[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Horror outline

What I learned from this assignment is that no matter how many times I had an idea of my story I changed it every step so that it would fit and or make sense along the way with the scenes I had already written. The good thing is all subsequent versions and cuts I saved so if I wanted to go back and add or take something away I can effortlessly.

INT – XENO’S HOUSE/OFFICE- NIGHT

1. DR XENO 50’s a small town optometrist is awoken for a house call. SHERIFF MASON is at the door with her brother DAN, who was in a bar fight and his eye is popping out. Xeno helps Dan by removing his eye even though he is not an eye surgeon. Mason notices that Xeno is unfazed by the mans cries of pain, but shrugs it off and leaves to handle the rest of the bar incident. Xeno asks if he can keep the eye for testing, Dan agrees, and passes out. Xeno puts the eye in his eye room.

Horror Situation: Xeno is unfazed by the man’s screams or the uncomfortableness of the Sheriff when he extracts the dangling eye.

Horror- Dan’s eye is out of socket
Apprehension- Xeno says he’s not a surgeon but wants the eye.
Creepy Moment- Xeno’s eye room.

2. EXT- TOWN- DAY

Mason is driving around the town and gets a call on the radio telling her to pick up DANIELLA 17, for her guardian. She sees her son LEVI, and STUART (Xeno’s son) and ask if they have seen her. Levi tells his mom Daniella is at the coffee shop. Mason leaves to the coffee shop, waving and saying hi to random townies. This establishes how small the town is.

3. INT/EXT- COFFEE SHOP/SIDEWALK

Daniella orders a coffee, Xeno is behind her waiting to order. She takes her time angering the other customers. She enjoys this. Xeno has a word with her and stares at her intensely, she calls him a creep and goes outside. She sees a BOY (9) trying to burn ants with his glasses and the sun. She tells him he is cruel and not to do that. The Boy tells her off, Xeno comes from out of nowhere and pulls the Boy up and intensely tell him to treat his glasses better. The Boy calls for his mom. Xeno tells Daniella to have her guardian take her for an exam, she is very creeped out by him. Mason arrives and tells her to head home, when Daniella tries to tell her that he is creepy, Mason explains why Xeno is a trusted and respected member of the community and she is a punk ward of the state. Many townsfolk look on and nod their heads.

Horror situation: Dr Xeno tells the boy to take care of his eyes or he could lose them, he looks at Daniella while he says this.

Creepy Moment- He tells Daniella she has good eyes.
Shock- He tells the boy to take care of his eyes and glasses.
Dread- Mason tells her Xeno is a member of community she isn’t

4. EXT- SUBURUB SIDEWALK- DAY

Daniella trudges up a hill with Stuart. They talk about how creepy his dad is. She feels as though someone is following them. There is, Levi jumps out from a hedge scaring them both. He picks on Stuart a bit and puts his arm around Daniella. She elbows him in the chest causing him to drop back and apologize. Levi professes that he is totally infatuated with her and they should date. Stuart frowns and looks at the ground. Daniella notices and emphatically declines Levi.

5. EXT- SIDEWALK- DAY

Xeno walks along smiling and waving at the different townsfolk. He sips his coffee as he mentally takes note of all the people that need to see him for exams. He is stopped by an antique store owner, JOE, who shows him an antique eye exam lens set. Xeno smiles, and says he’ll take it but asks for it to be delivered because he has to get back to work.

6. INT- WARD HOUSE- NIGHT

Daniella comes home and is met with a smack from her foster mom BETTY telling her she is late. Her foster dad SAM whisks her away and tells her he is sorry for Betty’s behavior and for her to do her bible study before her homework. She ignores the first part and does her homework, advanced calculus, establishing that she is a smart kid.

Horror Situation: Daniella comes home to abuse and overtly religious foster parents.

Shock- she is smacked and told to read the Bible.
Anguish- she is semi comforted but still told to do what she is told.
Surprise- She doesn’t do what she is told and studies calculus.

7. INT-XENO’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Stuart comes home and goes to check on his mom MARY, 55, who sits in front of a window. Her eyes are hidden by her hair, he kisses her cheek and tells her about his day and how he has a crush on Daniella. Xeno comes upstairs from his home office. He holds an eye in a jar. He tells Stuart to put it away in the eye room. Stuart does as he is told listening to his dad yell at his mom telling her how much he is doing for her and he needs “more instruction” as he is having a difficult time.

8. INT- EYE CLINIC- DAY

DR. JOHNSON, 40, is talking to patients waiting for a free eye checkup. She greets Xeno as he walks in and says there are detectives waiting in his office. He greets DETECTIVE MARCUS, and DETECTIVE SMITH, he thinks they are there for the bar fight man. Marcus says they are there because some people that came to the clinic were murdered and shows him pictures. They victims all have their eyes surgically removed. Xeno tells them that it looks like the person was attempting surgery but didn’t know how to do it. They speak to Johnson, she says that Xeno is not a surgeon but his wife once was. Xeno is with a child patient and creeps the kid out with his eye shake. The kid runs to his mom and is crying. Johnson says she’ll give the kid the exam and for Xeno to take a break.

Horror Situation: Cops visit Xeno about murders

Suspense- Xeno plays it off about murders.
Apprehension- Marcus notices something about Xeno
Fear- Xeno’s eye shake scares the child.
Dread- Xeno realizes Marcus sees who he is.

9. INT/EXT- MARCUS’S CAR-DAY

Marcus is intrigued by Xeno, Smith tells him to leave it alone, and he might be a weird dude but he doesn’t fit the profile for the killer. Marcus says he fits it as he knew the victims. They get a call on the radio, and take off to look at another dead body. Smith tells Marcus that she doesn’t want him to be wrong again and that could jeopardize his promotion. He reluctantly agrees as they pull up to the murder scene.

10. EXT- MURDER SITE- DAY

The detectives walk up and see the dead body of a biker, the CORONER rolls him over to reveal he is missing an eye, and that he’s been there for at least a day. Unlike the previous victims, his eye was removed with care.

Horror Situation: Body of Biker

Suspense- Is it Mason’s brother?
Surprise- It isn’t
Horror- He has no eyes.
Anguish- The cops know they have a serial killer.

ACT 2

11. INT- XENO’S OFFICE- DAY

Daniella is brought to Xeno’s for an exam, Betty is preaching to Xeno and asking why he hasn’t come to church. He says he feels he has offended god and is choosing to pray at home. He takes Daniella back for her exam. It is normal until he notices something about her eyes. They are perfect, and she has perfect vision. His eye starts to shake and it makes Daniella feel uncomfortable. He tells her to relax and the Boy from the other day walks in with his mom, who demands that he check her son right now. Xeno obliges and while doing the air puff test he stares at Daniella and puffs the Boy’s eyes until he is crying. The mother causes a scene and Daniella tells her it was Xeno’s fault. Betty bursts in and says that Daniella is a heathen and liar, in the commotion Stuart comes in and takes Daniella out of there. Xeno invites Betty back for a free exam after hours, she accepts.

Horror situation: Xeno creeps Daniella out about her eyes being perfect, then hurts a little boy with eye puff machine.

Creepy moment- Xeno gets too close for comfort.
Fear- Daniella can’t escape and he is hurting her
Anxiety- She is trapped, mentally and physically
Terror- Xeno reveals his nature by hurting the boy
Horror- The boy’s eye is severely damaged Xeno is unaffected

12. EXT- DAY- TOWN SQUARE

Stuart, Levi and Daniella hang out and discuss how creepy Stuart’s dad is and how messed up Betty is. Daniella is biding her time until she’s 18 and off to college. Levi is all happy to stay in the town, Stuart wants to leave but is afraid of what his dad will do to his mom. Betty shows up at takes Daniella away from the boys and calls them names.

13. INT- POLICE STATION- NIGHT

Smith and Marcus sit at their desks. Marcus is looking up Xeno and finds that he was involved in an accident seven years ago. Smith says he’s obsessed and needs to calm down, and she found out the name of the victim. She says he was involved in a bar fight with Mason’s brother and that they should give her a call. Marcus says he’ll do it tomorrow.

14. INT-NIGHT-XENO’S OFFICE

Xeno gets Betty back to a different room and tells Daniella to wait in the waiting room. Stuart is there he gets her to come upstairs and meet his mom. He professes his love for her and trying to leave she finds the eye room. She runs out the door. Betty is told she didn’t take care of her glasses and is strapped into the torture chair, Xeno dilates her eyes until blindness. She passes out and he turns on a tutorial of how to remove an eye and proceeds to remove both her eyes and plop them into jars. They are still dilated.

Horror situation: Xeno gets Betty for an after hours eye exam and kills her.

Suspense- Will he get Daniella?
Surprise- Daniella goes with Stuart.
Shock- Betty is strapped into a chair
Panic- Her eyes are forcefully dilated
Hysteria- Xeno reveals himself to Betty
Dread- Betty doesn’t want to die
Terror- He tortures her by removing her eyes
Panic- Daniella hears all the shouting and tries to leave
Fear/Shock- She finds the Eye Room, Stuart helps her leave.

MIDPOINT

15. INT- WARD HOUSE- DAY

Sam wakes Daniella and asks where Betty is, she doesn’t know. They call Xeno he says she left. They call Mason who says she’s probably off the wagon again and in some bar sleeping it off. Sam doesn’t think so and Daniella tells them about the eye room. Mason tells her it’s of no concern.

16. INT-SHERIFFS OFFICE- DAY

Marcus shows up and asks Mason about Xeno. She tells him that she likes her community and that Xeno is weird but he’s a respected member of the community and no killer. He asks where her brother is as the guy responsible for the bar fight was found dead and eye removed. She says her brother isn’t responsible. Marcus doesn’t care and wants to talk to him himself as he is a suspect and the Sheriff should know that being a peace officer. Mason says check the town bar he might be there.

17. EXT- ROAD- DAY

Marcus checks out a car in the woods near Xeno’s house, it’s Betty’s car.

18. EXT- XENO’S HOUSE- DAY

Marcus checks out the house and notices that there is 3 entries to the house. He checks the cellar door that is locked. Xeno comes out and asks him what he is doing at his house. Marcus asks about the car and who’s it might be. Xeno says it’s been there for weeks and nobody has done anything about it. Marcus notices security cameras and asks to see footage, Xeno shows him that they are dummy cams to keep people honest. Sam and Daniella show up and demand to know where Betty is. Marcus asks what car she drives, it’s the same car down the road Marcus gets them all to go check it out.

19. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Sam says that’s Betty’s car, he opens the back and finds an empty bottle of vodka. Daniella doesn’t believe it and tells Marcus about the eye room. Marcus asks to see it, Xeno refuses but says it was a research facility before his wife had a terrible accident causing her to retire. Mason shows up and tells them all to leave. Marcus gives Sam and Daniella his card before leaving.

Horror situation: Betty’s car is found but not her.

Fear- Is she alive?
Surprise- A bottle of vodka is found,
Dread- Betty has fallen off the wagon
Anxiety- Sam needs to find her before it’s too late
Hysteria- Daniella knows Xeno did something to her
Apprehension- Mason tells them all to leave it alone and Betty will be found.

20. INT-BAR-DAY

Marcus goes to interrogate Mason’s brother Dan. Marcus asks about his eye and Dan tells him about the incident and says he didn’t kill the guy. He says Xeno is a weird guy but a good guy because he hooked him up with a cool glass eye, but that Xeno could be capable of taking someones eye. Mason shows up and tells her brother to stop talking. Marcus says he has enough and leaves.

INT-CLINIC- DAY

Xeno is distraught and sees a homeless man in the waiting room. He asks the man if he would like a meal and a free exam. The Homeless Man says he will work for it. Xeno tells him to meet him at a bus stop later. Johnson watches the exchange and takes notes, she calls Marcus and lets him know what she saw.

Horror situation: Xeno is upset at the clinic and asks a homeless man to accompany him to his practice.

Suspense- Will the Man say yes?
Shock- He says yes.
Surprise- Dr. Johnson calls Marcus
Anxiety- Will Xeno find out?

21. EXT/INT XENO’S HOUSE/OFFICE

Daniella convinces Levi to help her stake out Xeno. As they sit outside waiting he drives up with a HOMELESS MAN, and takes him through a cellar door. The kids follow them inside. They witness him murdering the man and escape. They get Mason she goes to check it out. Xeno takes her to the body and kills her as she tries to handcuff him. He knocks out her son and straps Daniella to the chair. She screams until Stuart rescues her.

Horror situation: Daniella and sheriff’s son see the homeless man being brought in and witness his murder.

Suspense- Levi and Daniella watch Xeno bring him in the cellar door.
Panic- The Homeless man realizes what is about to happen.
Anxiety- The teens hear what is happening.
Shock- They watch as Xeno kills him.
Fear- They need to get out before he sees them
Dread- He almost catches them

Horror situation: Mason and Levi are killed and Daniella is captured.

Apprehension- Mason thinks the kids are pulling her leg.
Shock- Xeno shows her the body
Panic- Mason tries to arrest him
Horror- Xeno kills Mason as the kids watch, he dispatches Levi
Fear- Daniella tries to run but is captured and strapped into the chair
Surprise- Stuart rescues her and they run
Terror- Xeno gets Levi and kills him.

ACT 3- FULL OUT HORROR

22. INT/EXT – WARD HOUSE – NIGHT

Daniella and Stuart make it back to her foster house. Sam sees them in fear and asks what is wrong. They tell him the story and he says he’ll check on it, then notices Xeno at the end of the driveway. Sam confronts Xeno about the killings and is killed by Xeno quickly. Xeno enters the house and attacks the kids. Stuart punches his dad and knocks him out. He tells Daniella they have to go back and get his mom. Daniella calls Marcus and tells him what happened. Xeno stands up and watches them leave.

Horror situation: Xeno appears at the end of the driveway, Sam confronts him.

Fear- The kids watch as Sam goes to talk to Xeno
Apprehension- Sam doesn’t know what to make of Xeno covered in blood.
Shock- Sam and kids are shocked when Xeno kills him.
Hysteria- As Xeno enters the house they are trapped.
Panic- Stuart fights his dad
Surprise- Stuart wins and they run to get his mom.

23. INT/EXT XENO’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Marcus is outside, hiding, waiting for Xeno and watches Daniella and Stuart arrive. The kids try to convince Mary to leave she keeps them occupied until Xeno shows up. Stuart hides Daniella in the kitchen while he runs to get the evidence against his dad. Marcus attempts to cuff Xeno, and is bested and killed by him. Daniella tries to get Marcus’s gun but Xeno gets it first and tries to shoot her. She ducks as Stuart gets to the top of the stairs, he is killed by his dad. She has no choice but to head to the basement.

Horror situation: Xeno kills Marcus and Stuart, Daniella is forced to run further into the house.

Suspense- Marcus is using the kids as bait for Xeno.
Panic- The kids can’t find Mary.
Hysteryia- Mary doesn’t want to leave, Stuart wants her to, Daniella wants to leave her.
Dread- Xeno arrives blocking their car.
Anxiety- Stuart does’t want to leave his mom but says he will come back for her.
Fear- Mary scares the kids with her answers
Panic- Stuart hides Daniella in the kitchen and he goes to get evidence against his dad.
Suspense- Xeno comes in and is looking for Daniella.
Fear- Does he see her?
Terror- He does.
Horror- He kills Marcus and prevents Daniella from getting his gun.
Suspense- Daniella gets her chance and runs to Stuart.
Horror- She ducks and Xeno shoots Stuart.

24. INT- OFFICE- NIGHT

Daniella is saved by a misfire of the gun. Xeno follows her down the stairs, she makes her way to the exit. She almost makes it, Mary sneaks up on her, and Daniella sees she is blind. Mary drugs her, and before she passes out she hears Xeno and Mary talking about surgery and that he has the perfect eyes for her. They both blame their son for not ducking and getting shot.

Horror situation: Daniella is confronted by Xeno and Mary.

Suspense- Xeno tries to shoot Daniella but the gun misfires.
Panic- Daniella runs to find the exit.
Surprise- she gets to the exit, but Mary is behind her.
Shock- Mary is blind, and drugs her.
Anguish- Mary and Xeno talk about what they are going to do.
Horror- They are going to use Marcus’s eyes for a transplant to Mary.
Terror- Daniella passes out.

25. INT-HOSPITAL-DAY

Daniella wakes up in a hospital bed, Detective Smith is there. Smith asks her what she remembers and Daniella tells her about the eyes and how they were going to cut hers out for Mary. Smith tells her that the house was burned down and they found her outside the house. Smith says her boss likes Daniella for the murders and arson, but they are waiting on her toxicology report to come in to prove her story. Smith says that she believes her but Xeno and Mary are most likely dead because they found 4 bodies and one was her partner, another was the son and id’s are not back on the other two, waiting on dental records. Smith leaves with a nurse to get the report. Another nurse comes in and messes with her IV. Daniella sees the nurse’s face but it’s too late, she screams as the nurse is Mary puts her to sleep saying, “only one took, so we still need another.” Smith opens the door and can’t figure out why the nurses’ eye looks so familiar. She holds the door and tells a frantic Daniella it will be fine that they are taking her for a rape test. Smith waves bye to her as the door closes.

Horror situation: A nurse comes into Daniella’s room, it’s Mary!

Suspense- A nurse comes in and it’s not Mary.
Fear- After Smith leaves, a new nurse comes in humming.
Terror- It’s Mary!
Hysteria- Daniella tries to stop Mary but is too drugged.
Dread- Smith doesn’t see who it is.
Anguish- Daniella can’t speak as Smith sends her to her death.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Scary as Hell Scene

What I learned from this assignment is that I can make a scene scary by following the emotions to get to the end of the scene.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Daniella wakes slowly. Adjusting her eyes she sees, DETECTIVE SMITH, 30’S African American woman. Startled she scrambles in her bed.

Disoriented, her eyes dart side to side. She tries to sit up but one hand is cuffed to the bed.

DANIELLA

Where the hell am I? What’s this?

Smith makes takes a couple steps towards her raising her hands.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Calm down kid. You’re at St Mary’s you’ve been through some shit.

Daniella eases back and rubs the wrist in the cuff. Smith gets closer and pats her leg.

DANIELLA

Wait where are they?

DETECTIVE SMITH

Who?

DANIELLA

Dr Xeno and his wife. He’s a killer and she’s..

DETECTIVE SMITH

Look baby, they gone.

DANIELLA

Gone?

Smith leans back and sucks her teeth.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Yeah. They dead. Well at least that’s what my boss think. We’ll find out when we get the dental records back.

Daniella stares off confused, Smith picks up on this.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Look baby, they were straight up burnt to a crisp. You were found outside the house clothes smelling of gas and a gas can near you. Now if you ask me that’s open and shut. But you were out cold when the medics got there.

DANIELLA

She drugged me. Put a rag over my face and, and I just passed out. That’s the last thing I remember.

Smith looks at her face. It’s scared and lost. She takes a step towards the cuff, she slowly moves her hand over to it and unlocks it.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Look baby, this is a fucked situation. My partner was in that house.

DANIELLA

Marcus right?

Smith leans back surprised.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Yeah. Figured he was doing his own investigation on Xeno. So what happened?

DANIELLA

He showed up when Stuart and I went to get his mom. She ended up being a part of this whole eye stealing thing.

DETECTIVE SMITH

(Annoyed) What happened to Marcus?

DANIELLA

Well he had a cuff on Xeno and Xeno tripped him and then killed him. He got Marcus’s gun and killed Stuart. Mary drugged me and I woke up here.

Smith sucks her teeth and rubs her chin.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Well I’m gonna go check the tox report on you. If they drugged you it’s still in your system.

There is a knock at the door. There is humming, Daniella looks at the door terror, and tries to speak but can’t. Smith notices this and puts her hand on her gun.

The handle opens slowly.

Smith barely pulls up on her weapon, as the door opens.

A NURSE, 20’S comes through the door. Smith pushes the gun back down. Daniella sighs of relief as the Nurse checks her vitals.

NURSE

You need anything?

DETECTIVE SMITH

Yeah, did they get her toxicology report yet.

NURSE

Yeah I believe they did. (To Daniella) So need anything?

She’s not used to someone being so nice to her.

DANIELLA

Oh, um, yes can I get some water please.

NURSE

Sure, no problem.

DANIELLA

Thanks.

Smith rolls her eyes.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Hey take me to this report. (To Daniella) Don’t go anywhere.

She locks the cuff back to the bed.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Don’t worry if what you say is right you’ll be losing those cuffs.

Daniella nods, as the women leave the room. She closes her eyes after a long beat.

The door opens, she hears a nurse shuffling around with her IV. She turns and the nurse isn’t the same one. Her hair is covering her face.

DANIELLA

Oh did you bring my water.

The humming starts. Daniella looks at the nurse in fear. She is shaking the nurse turns.

It’s Mary! She has a clear eye.

DANIELLA

How..

MARY

Shhh. Dear you’ve got surgery.

Daniella screams. Mary gets in close and shows her, her right eye.

MARY

Sorry this one didn’t take. And I really do need two to get back to work.

Daniella grabs Mary by the hair and pulls. Mary easily knocks her hand away.

MARY

No. You’ll be out in 10..

Mary gets her ready to move and continues to count down. As she rolls her to the door it opens.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Hey where you going with her.

Daniella reaches for Smith, smith sees terror in her eyes.

MARY

She’s got to go for her rape check.

Smith looks at her eye, it’s familiar, but she just can’t place it.

DETECTIVE SMITH

What’s wrong with her?

Mary smiles.

MARY

It’s the sedative, she been through so much trauma. These poor girls always fight us on this so it’s just easier if we.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Roofie them. That’s fucked.

Mary shrugs.

MARY

Keeps us from being assaulted.

DETECTIVE SMITH

Well if it’s policy. (To Daniella) Don’t worry baby I’ll be here when you get back.

Daniella cant speak and keeps grabbing at Smith. Daniella stops grabbing as the drug takes hold and as she falls into her final sleep, the humming continues.

FADE TO BLACK.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Scares, Releases and Creepy Moments

What I learned from this assignment is that having my lengthy outline helped me with finding a scene that is a perfect set up for things to come allowing my monster to be completely creepy and terrifying at the same time.

INT. XENO’S OFFICE-EXAM ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The room is dimly lit and Daniella sits in the exam chair. Xeno comes in silently from behind her.

DR XENO

Hello.

Startled, she looks around and finally sees him.

DANIELLA

Oh, hey.

DR XENO

Please go sit in that chair.

He points to a chair across the room with the eye puff machine.

DANIELLA

Oh shit. I have to do that thing. Man I hate the eye puff thing.

She makes her way to the other chair and sits. Xeno steps around behind the machine.

DR XENO

Don’t worry it’s not the same as it used to be, it’s a very light puff. Come on put your chin here and look straight ahead.

He adjust it for her face.

DANIELLA

Well it still feels weird.

DR XENO

You get used to it. Usually I have a tech do this but I gave the staff the day off because of the long weekend.

DANIELLA

Your staff of what 2 people?

DR XENO

Very astute. Look forward.

Puff.

DANIELLA

Ugh.

DR XENO

And again, look forward.

Puff.

DANIELLA

What the hell man. I don’t know anyone who could get used to that.

DR XENO

Go ahead and get back in the chair.

She gets into the exam chair. He turns on a monitor with letters in lines.

DR XENO

Ok read the first line.

She reads it.

DR XENO

Now the 3rd line.

She reads it perfectly. He does this 3 more times making her read the smallest lines.

DANIELLA

Why are you making me read the small ones?

He ignores her question.

DR XENO

Remarkable. I have to check this.

He does the light test.

DANIELLA

So what is up man?

He gets closer to her, he is staring into her eyes.

DR XENO

Did you know you have perfect vision?

DANIELLA

You sure man? I mean I think you better use that lens thing over there.

Xeno gets closer, his lips are almost on her nose looking into her left eye. She cringes.

DR XENO

No need. I have a rare gift as do you. I can see your iris, it’s perfect.

He slowly moves to the right eye.

DANIELLA

Okay. So you wanna give me some space.

She attempts to sit up and he puts his hand on her shoulder pushing her back into the chair.

His eye is shaking, she stares as it darts back and forth. His breathing is heavy and quick. His voice is more excited.

DR XENO

We’re not done yet. I’m still looking at the right eye. I have to make sure. I have to be sure. If you have the perfect eyes, I just have to be sure.

His hand pushes into her shoulder causing pain.

DANIELLA

Ow! Man, what the fuck are you doing.

He stares for a few seconds more, his eye shaking faster and faster. His breathing is heavier and heavier.

There is a commotion outside in the waiting room. The exam room door bursts open. He blinks and lets her go.

It’s the Boy from the coffee shop he is with his MOM, 30’s, she is agitated.

MOM

Look he needs to see you right now. So take him.

Xeno looks at her with disdain.

DR XENO

Ma’am you need to wait outside. I’m in the middle of an exam.

MOM

So.

DANIELLA

Um I’m cool if the kid needs to be seen right away.

Xeno looks at her.

DR XENO

Well if you insist. Go sit at the puff machine young man.

The kid saunters up to the machine. He takes his glases off and puts them lens down on the table moving them back and forth.

Xeno watches. With every movement he can hear the scratches on the lens’s. He looks at the mom, nose in her phone.

He stands and goes over to the machine. He looks down at the Boy. The kid smiles and continues to slide the glasses.

Xeno has had enough and grabs the kid’s hand.

DR XENO

Now young man, you should never do that you’re ruining your glasses.

He shrugs. Xeno lets go of the Boy’s hand.

BOY

So. My mom will get me new ones.

Xeno is visibly pissed off. He looks at the mother again, she’s scrolling, could care less.

DR XENO

Put your chin here, and look forward.

The Boy does it. Xeno looks at Daniella who is watching him intensely. His eye is shaking and a tear is falling off his chin.

BOY

So we gonna start.

DR XENO

Ready. Just a little

Puff.

BOY

Not bad.

Xeno’s hand moves the dial to a higher setting. He looks at Daniella, she shakes her head no. One more tear down his cheek.

DR XENO

Okay. One more

PUFF!

BOY

OW! MOMMY!

The Boy’s eye is bleeding. The Mom drops her phone. Daniella jumps up to help. Xeno is smiling his eye slowly stops shaking.

The child is crying uncontrollably.

DR XENO

My apologies ma’am you will have to take him to the ER.

MOM

What kind of doctor are you hurting a kid like that?

DR XENO

So sorry it was an accident

DANIELLA

Hell no it wasn’t!

Xeno spins and grimaces at her.

MOM

Are you sure young lady?

DANIELLA

Fucking positive, he’s a god damn creeper.

Betty appears in the door way.

BETTY

Don’t listen to her. She’s a lying heathen, that god doesn’t trust.

The Mom is taken back that another mother would say that about their child.

DANIELLA

It’s true Betty! You crazy bitch!

Betty slaps her in the face.

All the other freeze to see what these two will do next.

Betty grabs Daniella by the arm and shoves her out the door.

BETTY

Get to the car hussy!

DANIELLA

Fuck you!

Daniella flips her off and Xeno too. She leaves.

Betty turns to Xeno.

BETTY

I’m so sorry about this Doctor Xeno. I’ve been working on breaking her of her lies ever since she came to live with us. I hope this doesn’t affect my appointment tonight.

DR XENO

Thank you Betty, and no it doesn’t affect your appointment. Still bring her tonight. I would like to talk to her about what she thought she saw today. (To the Mom) I’m so sorry about this, let me cover your ER visit. Just send me the bill and I’ll cover it.

The mom is satisfied with this.

BETTY

He’s such good man. Thank you doctor Xeno.

Xeno nods and smiles at both women. They both notice his smile is off.

DR XENO

I took an oath to do no harm, and if I do. Well I try to make it right.

Xeno escorts them out the door.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Level Three Horror Emotions

What I learned from doing this assignment is I have a lot going on in one scene and I debated adding my big reveal but decided not to until the final climax.

EXT. XENO’S HOME – NIGHT

Sam’s car screeches to a halt almost hitting the mailbox. Daniella and Stuart jump out scrambling to the front door. Stuart throws the door open and they dart inside.

Marcus steps out from a hedge and draws his gun. He watches as the door shuts and steps back into the shadows.

INT. XENO’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Both teens are covered in Sam’s blood and out of breath. He runs through the house with Daniella in tow.

STUART

MOM! MOM!

DANIELLA

Stu, let’s just go man. I’m sure your mom will be okay.

Stuart turns his face red with anger and exhaustion.

STUART

NO! If he gets here he’ll use her against me. He.. He… He’s a killer. He killed Sam and I don’t want him to hurt you or mom.

DANIELLA

Yeah I get it. You need your mommy.

He ignores her insult and keeps screaming.

STUART

Mom! We have to go!

They run into the kitchen, it’s dark.

Mary’s not there.

They run into the den, it is dark save for a small desk lamp. Mary is sitting at the window looking out she has dark glasses on.

STUART

Mom!

Stuart runs to her, and kneels. She does not move from her perch and continues to stare out the window.

STUART

Mom, we have to go. Dad’s lost it he’s…

DANIELLA

He’s a fucking psycho lady. He killed my guardians and some homeless dude. Lady we got to go or he might kill us all.

STUART

Mom, she’s telling the truth. I know now where dad has been getting the eyes.

Stuart puts his hand on her knee, and she pats his hand. When she speaks it startles Daniella.

MARY

He’s almost home. When he gets here dear we’ll talk this out and get your dad the help he needs. I’ve been putting him through some tough lessons lately and he needed to get out some anger. You know him and his anger. I swear.

The teens look at one another jaws to the floor.

STUART

Mom what the hell are you saying.

MARY

Oh sweetie you worry too much.

DANIELLA

Lady if you think that murder is letting off some steam you’re more fucked up than him.

Mary sighs in disapproval.

MARY

No dear, I just love my husband and we stick by each other no matter what.

Daniella shakes her head in disbelief. Stuart stands taking her hand and speaks in a firm voice.

STUART

Mom, it’s time to go. Dad is not who he says he is.

MARY

He’s always been your dad. And he’s been the same man all the year’s I’ve known him. He has his rough edges and quirks but he is who he is.

Daniella looks on in utter disgust.

DANIELLA

Quirks? If murder is a quirk of his you need to rethink the relationship.

Mary sighs as car lights shine through the window flooding the darkened room.

MARY

Looks like your fathers home. We can sort all this out now.

The teens look out the window and watch as Xeno parks sideways blocking their car from leaving.

DANIELLA

Shit! He’s trapping us in, you need to get his keys.

STUART

And we’ll take his car.

Mary laughs demurely, and hums “South of Heaven.” Daniella looks down at Mary.

DANIELLA

Stuart I think it’s time you left home and let your parents have each-other.

He looks at his mom and at Daniella tears in his eyes.

STUART

I love you mom, and I’ll come back for you.

He kisses her on the forehead and she attempts to grab his arm but he pulls away.

MARY

I’m sure you’ll be back sooner than you think dear.

DANIELLA

Don’t think so lady.

Mary hums some more bars of the song ignoring her.

STUART

I gotta go get the evidence, think you can hide in the front in the kitchen.

Daniella nods. They run to the kitchen and she hides behind the island counter. He heads down to the basement office.

Daniella watches the door handle.

It turns slowly and opens, Xeno’s silhouette fills the doorway.

MARCUS (O.S.)

Put your hands on your head, and interlace your fingers.

She watches as Xeno does what he says. Xeno looks in her direction. Does he see her? She can’t tell.

Xeno smiles as he takes two steps in his house.

MARCUS

Hey fucker don’t move! On your knees.

Xeno takes another step and lowers to his knees, turning his head looking directly at Daniella. He slides his toe forward moving a floor plank exposing a nail.

DR XENO

Well what to we have here. A two-for.

She sees Marcus’s silhouette in the door. He pulls out handcuffs and slaps one on.

Xeno knows that Marcus is going to have trouble with handcuffing with one hand. Xeno makes his move and squirms forcing Marcus to sidestep directly onto the nail.

Marcus screams in pain lifting his gun in the air and letting go of Xeno.

Xeno rolls forward and hops up punching Marcus in the stomach doubling him over. Xeno slams the serrated single stand of the open cuff into Marcus’s neck and yanks.

He hit the jugular, blood sprays all over Xeno and the room. Marcus drops the gun as he grabs his throat with both hands.

Daniella makes a run for the gun but slips on the blood and falls backwards slamming her elbow on the hard floor. She screams in pain.

Xeno bends down slowly and picks up the gun. He stands and points it at Daniella wile Marcus chokes to death on his own blood.

DR XENO

My dear I’m afraid you don’t have an appointment but I think I can fit you in.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan Lesson 11 – Level 2 Horror Emotions

What I learned from doing this assignment is that even as I am writing my rough draft I am thinking of several other ways I can manipulate the scene to use these emotion elements.

I/E. MACUS’S CAR – DAY

Detective MARCUS, 30’S, drives up the long hill towards Xeno’s house. Something shiny catches his eye and he pulls over.

He rolls down the window and notices a car in the woods. He exits the car and walks up to the vehicle checking the surroundings. Nothing seems out of the ordinary.

He checks the handle, it’s locked. He peers into the clean window. There is a box of bibles on the passenger seat, a cross and a 5 year AA chip hanging from the rearview.

He looks around and sees there is nothing in all directions. No houses, commerce, nothing but woods, and Xeno’s house at the top of the hill peering down.

EXT. XENO’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER

Marcus parks and exits noticing Xeno is home. He sees there are two entrances to the house, one main and one to his office in the back.

He studies the house noticing security cameras and a weird cellar entrance. He tries the cellar door, it’s locked from the inside.

DR XENO (O.S.)

Can I help you?

Marcus is startled, and turns to see Xeno on the porch steps. He makes his way to Xeno.

MARCUS

Hi Dr. Xeno, just coming by to ask you some more questions.

Xeno stays on the steps and folds his arms.

DR XENO

I’m sure my cellar isn’t on that list of questions.

Marcus laughs nervously at his deadpan comment and stops at the bottom stair looking up at Xeno.

MARCUS

You’re correct sir. I just found your home, interesting. So many different entrance and exit points.

Xeno nods and squints.

DR XENO

When you have a home business it makes it easy to separate the two.

MARCUS

True, but the cellar looks like it connects to something else.

Xeno cocks his head to the side and clears his throat.

DR XENO

Nope just an old fallout shelter from the 50’s. I use it to store my antique optometry equipment.

MARCUS

Really? Wow. So what’s the oldest thing you have?

Xeno puts his hand on his chin and thinks for a moment.

DR XENO

I don’t know if it’s the oldest but my favorite piece is my 1895 De Zeng Refractometer.

MARCUS

(Feigning interest) Wow. So who’s car is that in the woods down the hill?

DR XENO

Been there for weeks I called the sheriff about it and nothing.

Xeno takes a two steps down, Marcus stays put, he knows Xeno os lying. Xeno is eye to eye with him stares at Marcus’s eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time.

MARCUS

What is it? You see a cataract?

DR XENO

No. I see near perfection. It’s a gift I have. I can see most eye shapes without the use of my equipment. And I’ve seen very few perfect eyes in my time.

He takes another step. Marcus takes two steps back.

MARCUS

Really? My eyes, perfect.

DR XENO

They change color don’t they?

Marcus, shocked, takes another step back as Xeno makes it to level ground. Marcus puts his hand on his hip touching the butt of his gun.

Xeno notices this and smiles.

DR XENO

Sorry detective. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s been ages since I’ve seen someone with changing eyes.

Marcus’s fingers keep tapping the gun butt.

MARCUS

How did you know that?

Xeno smiles and laughs until he snorts. Marcus takes another step back and shifts his foot to a defensive stance.

DR XENO

Oh man, Your eyes were a light green at my clinic the last time I saw you and today they are bluish grey. I think the color of your suit or shirt is affecting them. Let me ask do they go grey when you are sick?

Marcus nods and cocks his head to the side. Before he can answer a car speeds up the drive and startles Marcus. Xeno turns and looks on with disdain as the horn honks.

MARCUS

Looks like you got some customers.

Xeno scowls at him and then at the car. DANIELLA 17, jumps out of the car. SAM, 40’S jumps out and follows.

DANIELLA

Hey fucker what did you do to Betty?

She is racing to get to Xeno, she raises her fist and Marcus grabs her holding her back.

MARCUS

Hold on there kid,

DANIELLA

Who the fuck are you?

Sam is right behind Marcus.

SAM

Let her go!

MARCUS

I’m a cop. What’s going on?

Sam stops and puts his hands up Xeno watches and smirks. Marcus notices Xeno’s smirk.

DR XENO

Sam. Whats up with this kid? She keeps causing trouble.

DANIELLA

Eat shit! Where is she?

Marcus shoves Daniella back, and puts his hand up with his other hand on his weapon. She sees this and paces.

MARCUS

Easy kid!

SAM

Look doc, Betty didn’t come home last night, and this was the last place she was. Please for the lords sake tell me what happened last night? Danny here says that Betty was all kinds of upset and yelling during her exam.

Marcus turns to Xeno again, his hand leaves the gun.

DR XENO

Well she smelt like booze Sam, and I know how she fought those demons for so long. But it seems like she has succumbed to temptation once more. I’m sorry my friend.

Daniella lets out a teen moan.

DANIELLA

What the fuck ever dude! She was not drunk or even drinking. You lying sack of shit.

SAM

Language! Please.

Marucs looks up at the cameras and then at Xeno. He steps in the middle of this private affair.

MARCUS

Hold on everyone. Dr Xeno you have cameras, now what you say we go get the footage and we can see just what time this woman left last night.

Xeno shakes his head.

DR XENO

Sorry detective, they’re all dummy cams.

Xeno smiles while Marcus’s face drops in defeated disgust.

MARCUS

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

DANIELLA

I know right. This dude is a…

SAM

Language!

Daniella stops and bobs up and down.

MARCUS

Sir, what car does your wife drive?

SAM

A blue Corolla, why?

Marcus looks at Xeno and smiles. Xeno stares blankly.

MARCUS

Well there just happens to be a blue Corolla down the hill in the woods. Lets go see if it’s hers. Anything you want to tell me Dr. Xeno before we head down there.

DR XENO

I have nothing to hide.

[Douglas Ryan]

What I learned from doing this assignment is that having the well planned outline I was able to have flow and achieve the desired affect, even if there wasn’t a death.

Opening Scene- outline

Sheriff Mason, 50, and her brother Dan, 50, show up at Dr Xeno’s late at night. Dan’s eye is bleeding and Xeno asks to see the damage. (Shock) The eye is dangling out of the socket and Xeno says he can help. (Apprehension/Anxiety) With Dan in the chair, Xeno tells both that he has to loose the eye as it will cause infection to his brain. Xeno lets them know he is not a surgeon and has only a local anasthetic. (Apprehension) Mason leaves to deal with Dan’s mess. Xeno has dan alone and offers him free care for his eye’s donation for “research.” (Surprise) Dan agrees, and the eye is cut out fast. (Shock/Surprise) Xeno enters his eye room and puts Dan’s eye next to another pair of eyes.

FADE IN:

EXT. XENO’S HOME – NIGHT

Red and blue lights flash on a sheriff’s SUV as it screeches to a halt behind a Volvo family wagon with a vanity plate, ICU.

SHERIFF MASON, woman, 50’s hops out and gets DAN 50’S biker, out of the back of the SUV. Dan is holding a blood soaked bar rag to his eye.

SHERIFF MASON

Com’on Dan did ya need to get my car all bloody man.

Dan slouches over with some shame as they hurry to the door. There is a swing sign on a pole next to the stairs that reads DR XENO O.D.

DAN

Sorry sis.

SHERIFF MASON

I swear if you weren’t my brother I would have locked you up for that shit.

Before they get to the last step the light comes on, and the door opens. DR XENO 40’s stands in front of them startling Dan. He speaks softly and precisely.

DR XENO

Lets see what we have here.

Mason shoves Dan, who removes the bar rag gently to his nose revealing his eye is not in it’s socket. Mason sucks her teeth in disgust. Xeno is mesmerized and can’t look away.

DR XENO

Come Dan lets get you downstairs.

SHERIFF MASON

Dan cover that shit up it’s unsettling.

Dan complies as they follow Xeno inside.

INT. XENO’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

Dan lays in a Dr’s chair still holding the rag to his eye. Mason sits behind him with a disgusted look on her face.

DAN

So you think we can pop it back in doc?

DR XENO (O.S.)

I don’t know yet I have to take a closer look.

Xeno steps from around a corner dressed in smocks and a mask. He has a tray with a scalpel, syringe, and other small instruments. He pulls up his chair and pulls out his light.

DR XENO

Dan please remove the rag.

Dan complies gently. Xeno gloves up and looks at the eye with the light and checks the pupil, iris, lens and studies the optic nerve and puts the light away.

Mason turns her head and gags a bit.

SHERIFF MASON

God Damn! Ugh!

DR XENO

You can wait upstairs if you want Sheriff.

She nods and stands.

SHERIFF MASON

Thanks doc. Dan I will never forgive you for this shit. Doc can I just leave him here, like forever?

They all laugh a little. Xeno keeps laughing until he snorts making the other two uncomfortable.

DR XENO

Oh you were serious? No he can’t stay with me forever, unfortunately his eye does.

Xeno has a little chuckle and looks back and forth at the two of them. Mason looks at Dan then back at Xeno. Dan is in shock and can’t make words just sounds.

SHERIFF MASON

You sure doc, I mean it’s jsut dangling there and it looks like it’s still intact.

Xeno gently lifts the eye and points to the iris and lens.

DR XENO

Sorry Sheriff iris is damaged beyond repair, see how it’s cloudy?

Mason grossed out looks at the eye, pretending she sees what Xeno sees. She leans back and crosses her arms.

SHERIFF MASON

So what’s that mean?

Xeno lays the eye gently back down and grabs the syringe from the tray. He shows it to Dan and Mason.

DR XENO

Look I’m not a surgeon but they eye is dead, and with the bleeding and this bar rag is most likely infected. Which means his eye will rot in his head and could infect the rest.

Xeno waves the syringe over Dans head in expatiation of how the infection would spread to his brain. Dan watches in terror.

DAN

I don’t like needles man.

SHERIFF MASON

I can’t believe you. Eye popping out of your head and you still have that kiddy fear of needles.

Xeno’s eyes dart back and forth, and his right eye begins to shake and tear up. He uses the back of his hand to wipe away the tear and looks up for a second.

Mason watches this with cops eyes.

SHERIFF MASON

Doc you okay?

Xeno nods, takes a deep breath and exhales as he looks at her.

DR XENO

Yeah. Just a bit tired, sorry. Look Dan this is just a local and it’s not going to put you out. So you will see and might feel what is going to happen. Now I am no surgeon and am doing this to the best of my ability to save your life. Do you want me to move forward? (Beat) Sheriff you’re my witness.

Mason nods in agreement.

DAN

Sure man, do your du..

Xeno sticks him quickly, and looks at Mason who nods in approval.

DAN

Fuck man! Warn a guy, next time.

SHERIFF MASON

Let’s hope there’s no next time. Anyhow, Doc I have to go and clean up his mess. Will he be able to recover here for a couple hours until I get him.

Xeno looks at dan intensely and then at the sheriff.

DR XENO

Yes, of course! We’re all members of this fine community. I’ll treat him like he’s family.

SHERIFF MASON

Phif. He could be so lucky. (to Dan) I’m outta here dip-shit you listen to the doc, or I’ll throw you in the can. Got it!

Dan nods and sighs. Mason is halfway up the stairs leaving.

DAN

Stop treating me like a kid.

SHERIFF MASON

You’re 50 and still act like one. Just look at your face. Dip! Shit!

They hear the door close up above and Dan looks at Xeno nonchalunt.

DAN

Just make me pretty doc.

DR XENO

I think I can do that, but first let me ask,

Xeno leans over with the scaple in his hand hovering over the good eye. Dan’s eye darts back and forth he is breathing heavy.

DR XENO

Would you consider donating your eye to me for research?

Dan watches as the scalpel moves out of his vision.

DAN

Um. Do I have a choice?

Xeno holds the scalpel on the optic nerve barely slicing it.

DR XENO

Do you feel that?

DAN

No.

DR XENO

Well if you were inclined to donate the eye, I would waive all of the charges for this.

DAN

Free?

DR XENO

Yes. How does that sound?

DAN

Fuck yes!

Snip!

DAN

Ow!

INT. EYE ROOM – LATER

Oak double doors swing open and Xeno steps in holding a jar close to his chest. He looks up at a bookshelf that holds no books, but jars of eyes!

The jar in his hands is Dan’s and he places it next to a jar with a pair of blue eyes floating in liquid.

DR XENO

Thank you Dan, what a perfect addition.

The doors close.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Outline.

What I learned from this assignment is that this outline helps you find the beats to the story and have them ready for a scene.

INT – XENO’S HOUSE/OFFICE- NIGHT

DR XENO 50’s a small town optometrist is awoken for a house call. SHERIFF MASON is at the door with a MAN who was in a bar fight and his eye is popping out. Xeno helps the man by removing his eye even though he is not an eye surgeon. Mason notices that Xeno is unfazed by the mans cries of pain, but shrugs it off. Xeno asks if he can keep the eye for testing, the Man agrees, they leave and Xeno puts the eye in his eye room.

EXT- TOWN- DAY

Mason is driving around the town and gets a call on the radio telling her to pick up DANIELLA 17, for her guardian. She sees her son LEVI, and STUART (Xeno’s son) and ask if they have seen her. Levi tells his mom Daniella is at the coffee shop. Mason leaves to the coffee shop, waving and saying hi to random townies. This establishes how small the town is.

INT/EXT- COFFEE SHOP/SIDEWALK

DANIELLA orders a coffee, Xeno is behind her waiting to order. She takes her time angering the other customers. She enjoys this. Xeno has a word with her and stares at her intensely, she calls him a creep and goes outside. She sees a BOY (9) trying to burn ants with his glasses and the sun. She tells him he is cruel and not to do that. The Boy tells her off, Xeno comes from out of nowhere and pulls the Boy up and intensely tell him to treat his glasses better. The Boy calls for his mom. Xeno tells Daniella to have her guardian take her for an exam, she is very creeped out by him. The Sheriff shows up and tells her to head home, when Daniella tries to tell him that he is creepy, Mason explains why Xeno is a trusted and respected member of the community and she is a punk ward of the state.

INT- WARD HOUSE- NIGHT

Daniella comes home and is met with a smack from her foster mom BETTY telling her she is late. Her foster dad SAM whisks her away and tells her he is sorry for Betty’s behavior and for her to do her bible study before her homework. She ignores the first part and does her homework, advanced calculus.

INT-XENO’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Stuart comes home and goes to check on his mom MARY, 55, who sits in front of a window. Her eyes are hidden by her hair, he kisses her cheek and tells her about his day and how he has a crush on Daniella. Xeno comes upstairs from his home office. He holds an eye in a jar. He tells Stuart to put it away in the eye room. Stuart does as he is told listening to his dad yell at his mom telling her how much he is doing for her and she should help out more.

INT- EYE CLINIC- DAY

DR. JOHNSON, 40, is talking to patients waiting for a free eye checkup. She greets Xeno as he walks in and says there are detectives waiting in his office. He greets DETECTIVE MARCUS, and DETECTVIE SMITH, he thinks they are there for the bar fight man. Marcus says they are there because some people that came to the clinic were murdered and shows him pictures. They victims all have their eyes surgically removed. Xeno tells them that it looks like the person was attempting surgery but didn’t know how to do it. They speak to Johnson, she says that Xeno is not a surgeon but his wife once was. Xeno is with a child patient and creeps the kid out with his eye shake. The kid runs to his mom and is crying. Johnson says she’ll give the kid the exam and for Xeno to take a break. Marcus is intrigued by Xeno, Smith tells him to leave it alone.

ACT 2

INT- XENO’S OFFICE- DAY

Daniella is brought to Xeno’s for an exam, Betty is preaching to Xeno and asking why he hasn’t come to church. He says he feels he has offended god and is choosing to pray at home. He takes Daniella back for her exam. It is normal until he notices something about her eyes. They are perfect, and she has perfect vision. His eye starts to shake and it makes Daniella feel uncomfortable. He tells her to relax and the Boy from the other day walks in with his mom, who demands that he check her son right now. Xeno obigies and while doing the air puff test he stares at Daniella and puffs the Boy’s eyes until he is crying. The mother causes a scene and Daniella tells her it was Xeno’s fault. Betty bursts in and says that Daniella is a heathen and liar, in the commotion Stuart comes in and takes Daniella out of there. Xeno invites Betty back for a free exam after hours, she accepts.

EXT- DAY- TOWN SQUARE

Stuart, Levi and Daniella hang out and discuss how creepy Stuart’s dad is and how messed up Betty is. Daniella is biding her time until she’s 18 and off to college. Levi is all happy to stay in the town, Stuart wants to leave but is afraid of what his dad will do to his mom. Betty shows up at takes Daniella away from the boys and calls them names.

INT-NIGHT-XENO’S OFFICE

Xeno gets Betty back to a different room and tells Daniella to wait in the waiting room. Stuart is there he gets her to come upstairs and meet his mom. He professes his love for her and trying to leave she finds the eye room. She runs out the door. Betty is told she didn’t take care of her glasses and is strapped into the torture chair, Xeno dilates her eyes until blindness. He turns on an old tutorial of how to remove an eye and proceeds to remove both her eyes and plop them into jars. They are still dilated, he finishes her off and sits in silence.

MIDPOINT

INT- WARD HOUSE- DAY

Sam wakes Daniella and asks where Betty is, she doesn’t know. They call Xeno he says she left. They call Mason who says she’s probably off the wagon again and in some bar sleeping it off. Sam doesn’t think so and Daniella tells them about the eye room. Mason tells her it’s of no concern.

INT-SHERIFFS OFFICE- DAY

Marcus shows up and asks Mason about Xeno. She tells him that she likes her commuity and that Xeno is weird but he’s a respected member of the community and no killer.

EXT- XENO’S HOUSE- DAY

Marcus checks out the house and notices that there is a car parked way down the road hidden in the woods. He knocks on Xeno’s door, and asks him about the car and who’s it might be. Xeno says it’s been there for weeks and nobody has done anything about it. Marcus notices security cameras and asks to see footage, Xeno shows him that they are dummy cams to keep people honest. Sam and Daniella show up and demand to know where Betty is, Daniella tells them about the eye room. Marcus asks to see it, Xeno refuses but says it was a research facility before his wife had a terrible accident causing her to retire. Mason shows up and tells them all to leave and they do. Marcus gives Sam and Daniella his card.

EXT/INT XENO’S HOUSE/OFFICE

Daniella convinces Levi to help her stake out Xeno. As they sit outside waiting he drives up with a HOMELESS MAN, and takes him through a cellar door. The kids follow them inside. They witness him murdering the man and escape. They get Mason she goes to check it out. Xeno takes her to the body and kills her as she tries to handcuff him. He knocks out her son and straps Daniella to the chair. She screams until Stuart rescues her.

ACT 3- FULL OUT HORROR

INT/EXT – WARD HOUSE – NIGHT

Daniella and Stuart make it back to her foster house. Sam sees them in fear and asks what is wrong. They tell him the story and he says he’ll check on it, then notices Xeno at the end of the driveway. Sam confronts Xeno about the killings and is killed by Xeno quickly. Xeno enters the house and attacks the kids. Stuart punches his dad and knocks him out. He tells Daniella they have to go back and get his mom. Daniella calls Marcus and tells him what happened.

INT/EXT XENO’S HOUSE

The kids make it back and try to convince the non verbal mother to leave. Marcus shows up and waits for Xeno. When Xeno shows up he is almost handcuffed and but quickly subdues Marcus. He drags Marcus to the cellar door and drops him down before heading inside the main house. The kids get the jump on Xeno with Daniella smashing an eye jar over his head. Xeno is angry and chokes Daniella who is fighting back, Stuart ignores his dad who is telling him to help get her to surgery. Stuart stabs his dad in the back and in a knee jerk reaction Xeno spins and knocks Stuart down the stairs. Daniella runs down the stairs to check on Stuart, he’s dead, she finds Mary down stairs she is in a white gown for surgery. Mary tells Daniella all will be okay and she just needs to lie down. Daniella looks into Mary’s eyes, she is blind but has good sense to knock Daniella into the surgery chair. Xeno makes it down stairs and injects Daniella with a tranquilizer. Before she passes out she tells Mary that Xeno killed Stuart. Xeno says there is another set that are more perfect.

INT-HOSPITAL-DAY

Daniella wakes up in a hospital bed, Detective Smith is there. Smith asks her what she remembers and Daniella tells her about the eyes and how they were going to cut hers out for Mary. Smith tells her that the house was burned down and they found her outside the house. Smith says her boss likes Daniella for the murders and arson, but they are waiting on her toxicology report to come in to prove her story. Smith says that she believes her but Xeno and Mary are most likely dead because they found 4 bodies and one was her partner, another was the son and id’s are not back on the other two, waiting on dental records. Smith leaves barely making eye contact with the nurse that has an eye patch. Daniella sees the nurse’s face but it’s too late, she screams as the nurse is Mary puts her to sleep saying, “only one took, so we still need another.”

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Character Journey Track

What I’ve learned from doing this assignment is that it is very similar to another course I took here so I had already worked out some of these traits in the outline it was a good workout.

Daniella

Role: Survivor/Final Girl

Traits: Tough, Skeptical, Intelligent, Kind

Fears: Xeno, Dying

Wants/Needs : to get out of the town and out of foster care

Likability / Rooting factors: she sticks up for those that are too little or too afraid

How they react under stress: She tries to find a solution as quickly as possible and buries anger.

Relationship with other characters: She mostly finds solace with wounded people and her and adults are at ends. Character Intro: She is hanging out trying to get someone to make her a fake ID.
Denial: She sees how creepy Xeno is but Stuart says its just the way his dad is.
Their reaction at first horror: They fight and run.
Relation to group after first horror: She takes charge and makes sure everyone is safe.
How they fight back: She gets her friends to help.
End Point: She is safe in the hospital but finds out she is the next victim.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? She was safe but with this family nothing is safe.

Stuart

Role: Victim/Hero

Traits: Kind, Shy, Obsessive,Tactical

Fears: Xeno, and Rejection

Wants/Needs : to help his mother and get Daniella as a girlfriend.

Likability / Rooting factors: He is nice to his mom and finds his dad’s collection disturbing.

How they react under stress: He shuts down and freezes.

Relationship with other characters: They don’t like him and use him as a stepping stone, except Daniella and Levi.

Character Intro: He is hanging with Levi when the Levi’s mom talks to them.
Denial: He doesn’t see his dad as a bad guy.
Their reaction at first horror: Shock and awe.
Relation to group after first horror: He freezes and doesn’t know what to do.
How they fight back: Saves Daniella and runs to her house.
End Point: Trying to save his mom he is thrown down the stairs by his dad and killed.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? It was an accident that Xeno regrets and puts blame on Marcus.

Levi

Role: Victim

Traits: Lazy, verbose, selfish, crass

Fears: His mother the sheriff

Wants/Needs : To sleep with Daniella and party

Likability / Rooting factors: He protects his mother in the end

How they react under stress: He’s quick to play hero but falters just as quick.

Relationship with other characters: Has good report with his mother, Daniella likes his crassness, Xeno can’t stand him.

Character Intro: His mom pulls up and talks to him about Daniella
Denial: He thinks Daniella is full of it but still thinks Xeno is a creep.
Their reaction at first horror: He runs and gets his mom.
Relation to group after first horror: He is a fighter and a runner.
How they fight back: He brings his mom and they confront Xeno.
End Point: He is killed by Xeno with tenacity.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? This kid tried to do right in the end but too little too late.

Sheriff Mason

Role: Victim/Badass

Traits: Rough around the edges, Ignorant, Arrogant, Steadfast

Fears: losing her peaceful community

Wants/Needs : To keep the peace in the town at all costs.

Likability / Rooting factors: She tries to talk to the teens at their level without being a dick.

How they react under stress: She tries to find a solution as quickly as possible.

Relationship with other characters: She is liked by the community but disliked by the teens.
Character Intro: She brings a bar fight victim to Xeno
Denial: She sees Xeno and ignores his creepiness
Their reaction at first horror: She ignores it.
Relation to group after first horror: She denies that anything is wrong with this quirky guy in her town.
How they fight back: Seeing her son being killed she takes action
End Point: Xeno kills her without bias and did not want to do so.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? She is not the hero and her arrogance gets her killed.

Detective Marcus

Role: Hero/Victim

Traits: Intelligent, Tenacious, Gruff, Inquisitive

Fears: Being too late to stop a murderer

Wants/Needs : To arrest Xeno

Likability / Rooting factors: He keeps at his job when he is told to leave Xeno alone, and he saves Daniella

How they react under stress: He’s tactical and uses critical thinking keeping him cool.

Relationship with other characters: He is liked by his partner and Daniella but not really anyone else.
Character Intro: He and detective Smith go to question Xeno and Johnson about the murders.
Denial: Not sure if Xeno could be the guy but it lingers.
Their reaction at first horror: Knows it Xeno but can’t prove it.
Relation to group after first horror: Takes lead
How they fight back: Investigates Xeno on his own time.
End Point: He is killed trying to rescue Daniella
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? No character is safe.

Detective Smith

Role: Survivor

Traits: Chatty, Skeptical, Loyal, Happy

Fears: losing her partner

Wants/Needs : to make it to retirement

Likability / Rooting factors: She is funny.

How they react under stress: She gets angry and vengeful.

Relationship with other characters: She is only liked by Marcus.
Character Intro: She and Marcus go to talk to the doctors about the murders
Denial: She doesn’t like Xeno for the murders.
Their reaction at first horror: Skeptical and sits back.
Relation to group after first horror: She only hangs with Marcus.
How they fight back: She goes looking for answers about Marcus’s death.
End Point: She tells Daniella that the Dr.’s are dead.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Loose end or hero for a sequel.

Betty

Role: Victim

Traits: Overtly religious, mentally ill, Sad,

Fears: Offending god

Wants/Needs : To be respected, and obeyed.

Likability / Rooting factors: none

How they react under stress: She gets angry and violent.

Relationship with other characters: Her husband is the only person that can stand her.
Character Intro: Betty is on the street corner screaming about Jesus, sinners and the end of days.
Denial: She thinks her foster daughter is a liar.
Their reaction at first horror: She is in denial.
Relation to group after first horror: Lamb to the slaughter
How they fight back: She quotes the Bible
End Point: She dies knowing she was wrong.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Xeno is paving a way to get to Daniella.

Mary

Role: Red herring

Traits: Quiet, Melancholy,

Fears: ???

Wants/Needs : to get new eyes

Likability / Rooting factors: she is quiet and picked on by Xeno.

How they react under stress: She ignores it.

Relationship with other characters: She sits and says nothing.

Character Intro: She is in a chair staring out the window and Stuart comes to console her.
Denial: she says nothing when asked to leave
Their reaction at first horror: She helps her husband
Relation to group after first horror: helper
How they fight back: she grabs Daniella and helps strap her to the chair
End Point: She comes to take Daniella’s eyes in the hospital.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Sets up a sequel.

Sam

Role: Victim/Nice Guy

Traits: Happy go lucky, Ignorant, Understanding, Fearless

Fears: Losing his wife

Wants/Needs : To get his wife help

Likability / Rooting factors: He tries to help Daniella out with how his wife treats her and he tries to save them from Xeno.
How they react under stress: He is cool and tries to solve the problem with understanding.

Relationship with other characters: Everyone loves him and doesn’t understand why he hasn’t checked Betty into a clinic.

Character Intro: He helps Daniella to her room after she is accosted by his wife.
Denial: Doesn’t believe Xeno is a killer and Daniella is making it up.
Their reaction at first horror: He sees the blood and then sees Xeno on his driveway.
Relation to group after first horror: denier
How they fight back: He attempts to talk to Xeno
End Point: Xeno kills him.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

Dr. Johnson

Role: Survivor
Traits: Intelligent, Attentive, Loyal, Skeptical

Fears: ???

Wants/Needs : to be a great optometrist

Likability / Rooting factors: she tries to make sense of why the cops are after Xeno and help their investigation.
How they react under stress: She thinks it out critically and goes from there.

Relationship with other characters: She enjoys her patients and her working relationship with Dr. Xeno.

Character Intro: She greets Dr Xeno at the clinic and tells him who is waiting for exams.
Denial: She can’t believe that Xeno or anyone from the clinic would or could kill the people they help.
Their reaction at first horror: She contacts Detective Marcus about Xeno not showing up and leaving with a patient.
Relation to group after first horror: Tattles and sits back.
How they fight back: She calls the cops
End Point: She never sees Xeno again.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? She becomes a liability or focal point for a sequel.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan’s Monster Reveal Track

What I learned from doing this assignment is I am really able to flesh out my villain and have him have a small backstory of anger issues that is satiated by the surgery and death he causes.

Powers: Charismatic to adults, able to be unnoticed by authorities, he is smart and calculating. Assimilating to the situation around him, knowledge of the town and well liked by all allowing him to get away with murder and his odd collections.

Limitations: He can’t really kill anyone from the town, and when he does it opens up all kinds of problems, including attention by the police.

Weakness: His work to save restore his wife’s site and the fact he is not a surgeon and she is an eye surgeon poses a problem as he is learning on the fly.

Plan/Purpose/Appetite: Dr. Xeno is practicing eye surgery on unsuspecting people in order to find the perfect eyes to transplant to his wife. The killing was a perk for his anger issues and he enjoys keeping the eyes as trophies of his progression in his amateur surgery skills.

Who or What is the Monster: Dr. Xeno, an optometrist with anger management issues that harbors a lust for killing and is enabled by his wife.

1. Demand: There is a man with a popped out eye on Dr. Xeno’s front porch with the sheriff in tow.

Monster Reveal: Dr Xeno removes the eye and asks to keep it, then puts it in his eye room.

2. Demand: He has to scare some kids.

Monster Reveal: He tells the child to take care of his glasses or else, and tells the teen she has near perfect eyes.

3. Demand: Dr. Xeno is questioned by police at a clinic he works at in the city.

Monster Reveal: Xeno stares long and hard at pictures of his victims and has no reaction.

4. Demand: Daniella is forced into an eye exam.

Monster Reveal: Xeno hurts a child and denies it.

5. Demand: Xeno must be creepy.

Monster Reveal: He takes an interest in Daniella’s “perfect” eyes.

6. Demand: Xeno can’t get Daniella alone.

Monster Reveal: He gives an after hours exam to her guardian and kills her.

7. Demand: Xeno has to feed his addiction

Monster Reveal: He murders a transient.

8. Demand: The teens must witness this and tell on him.

Monster Reveal: He kills the sheriff and her son.

9. Demand: He has to stalk Daniella

Monster Reveal: He follows his son to her house and waits outside, and kills her other guardian.

10. Demand: The police must close in on him.

Monster Reveal: He kills the cop chasing him.

10. Demand: He tries to get her eyes.

Monster Reveal: He kills his son to get to her.

11. Demand: He has to get her eyes.

Monster Reveal: Mary shows up at the hospital telling her she still needs one eye from Daniella.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Character Death Track

What I learned from this assignment is from my initial outline draft I had a lot of this figured out except names and how they die, its a really good tool to have to keep the script organized.

Character Death 1: Betty
Why: Because she didn’t take care of her eyes and she is in the way of Xeno getting Daniella’s “perfect eyes.”

How: During her eye exam he straps her to the chair, dilating her eyes and forcing her to look at intense light before he surgically removes the eyes. She dies of shock from the pain.

Character Death 2: Homeless Man
Why: Xeno needs another victim for practice and the vagrant is someone who won’t be missed, unlike Betty.

How: He is forced back into the chair after trying to escape, Xeno uses a modified violet ray to electrocute him, his eyes explode from the heat.

Character Death 3: Sheriff Mason
Why: She goes to arrest Xeno when her son Levi tells her about the murder of the homeless man. Collateral damage.

How: Xeno crushes her head with an antique eye testing machine and can’t save the eyes.

Character Death 4: Levi
Why: He is a witness and he needs his eyes for one last practice run.
How: Xeno crushes his windpipe with his foot, and watches Levi choke on his own blood.

Character Death 5: Sam
Why: He is in the way and a loose end.

How: He slits his throat with a scalpel and leaves him to bleed out.

Character Death 6: Stuart
Why: He tries to protect his mom and Daniella.

How: Xeno pushes Stuart down the stairs causing him to break his neck.

Character Death 7: Detective Marcus
Why: He attempts to save everyone.

How: He is shot in the chest by Mary, Xeno’s wife.

Character Death 8: Daniella
Why: One of Mary’s eyes didn’t take so they need Daniella’s

How: Off screen in surgery.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Horror Situation Track

What I learned from this exercise is that I added too much to the last assignment which made this one go a little smoother and I found that I wanted to switch a couple of horror situations around to make it more tense.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Dr Xeno removes an eye and keeps it in a collection of eyes.

Horror Situation: Xeno is unfazed by the man’s screams or the uncomfortableness of the Sheriff when he extracts the dangling eye.

Reaction: Denial: The sheriff ignores gut feeling for stability in town after seeing Xeno collect the eye.

Connect with the characters: The main players are introduced via Sheriff going around town.

The characters are warned not to do it: Little boy messes with ants and is told not to wreck glasses.

Horror situation: Dr Xeno tells the boy to take care of his eyes or he could lose them, he looks at Daniella while he says this.

Reaction: Try to solve: Daniella asks Stuart what’s up with his dad’s creepiness.

Denial of Horror: Daniella tells the sheriff that Xeno was threatening the boy, but is told he is a valued member of the community and she is not.

Safety taken away: Daniella and Stuart head home, their home lives are errieily similar.

Horror Situation: Daniella comes home to abuse and overtly religious foster parents. Stuart comes home to a catatonic creepy mom.

Reaction: Fight: Daniella refuses to read the Bible and just do her homework,

Reaction: Denial: Stuart has come to understand that this is life, and his dad’s obsession with eyes is a part of it.

Monster: The nature of the beast: Dr Xeno goes to the free clinic he volunteers at and is confronted by police.

Horror situation: He is un-reactive to the homicide photos of people missing eyes.

Reaction: Try to Solve it: Detective Marcus is suspicious of Dr Xeno and wants to know more about him.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Daniella is not believed by adults that Xeno is a bad guy.

Horror situation: Xeno gives Daniella her eye exam, she notices his eye shaking, he is over zealous about her eyes being perfect.

Reaction: Escape: The eye exam is over and he is blocking her from leaving but she shoves past him to get to her foster mom.

Horror situation: Daniella witnesses Xeno hurting a child with air puff machine.

Reaction: Denial: The mother of the boy believes Xeno over Daniella.

Horror situation: Xeno invites Daniella’s Foster mom for an after hours eye exam after seeing that she has not been for an exam in four years.

Reaction: Hide: Daniella tells her foster mom not to go and that she won’t go.

Horror situation: Detective Marcus goes back to the clinic to ask about Xeno’s wife.

Reaction: Try to solve it: Dr. Johnson tells Marcus that she can’t really say anything about the wife but the removal of the eyes look like practice and the last victim has a cleaner more surgical look, meaning the killer has gotten better.

One of us killed

Horror situation: Daniella is forced to go with her guardian to Xeno’s.

Reaction: Hide: When they get there Stuart gets Daniella to come upstairs with him and leave her guardian to his dad.

Horror situation: Foster mom is strapped into the chair and tortured by Xeno while the teens are upstairs.

Character Death: Foster mom is tortured by dilation and light, Xeno kills her and takes her still dilated eyes.

Horror situation: Daniella meets Mary, Xeno’s wife, she is scary and quiet and her hair covers her eyes.

Reaction: Escape: Seeing Mary and seeing the Eye jar room Daniella jets and Stuart comes with her.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer

Horror situation: Foster mom does not show up at home, and Daniella tells foster dad that she was at Xeno’s and he has a room full of eyes in jars.

Reaction: Figure it out: the Sheriff goes to Xeno and asks about the foster mom, he lies and tells her she left in a frantic state.

Horror situation: Xeno is upset at the clinic and asks a homeless man to accompany him to his practice.

Reaction: Fight/Escape: the homeless man fights back when he is being tortured but is dragged back in to the cellar.

Horror situation: Daniella and sheriff’s son see the homeless man being dragged back in and investigate.

Character Death: They hide and witness the homeless man killed, Xeno watches them run away.

Terrorized

Horror situation: The kids get the sheriff over to Xeno’s, he shows her the body.

Character Death: the sheriff attempts to arrest Xeno but he kills her in front of the kids.

Horror situation: Xeno knocks out the son and grabs Daniella strapping her to the chair.

Reaction: Fight: Daniella screams for Stuart, who comes to her rescue and they flee to her house.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

Horror situation: Xeno appears at the end of the driveway, the foster Dad confronts him.

Character Death: Xeno hiding a scalpel slits the dad’s throat.

Hysteria

Horror Situation: Stuart now knows what his dad is the killer and is having a breakdown.

Reaction: Escape: Daniella forces him to run and he wants to save his mom because she is innocent.

The thrilling escape from death

Horror situation: Daniella is caught by Xeno again as they run by and Stuart is verbally abused by his dad.

Reaction: Fight/Escape: Stuart punches his dad, takes the scalpel and the teens head for Xeno’s once again.

Death returns to take one or more.

Horror situation: Marcus sees the kids running and screaming from Xeno.

Reaction: Fight: Marcus tries to handcuff Xeno at gunpoint but Xeno gets the gun and shoots Marcus.

Horror situation: Xeno locks down the house and finds the kids.

Character Death: Stuart unable to find his mom confronts his dad again, and is thrown down the cellar stairs breaking his neck.

Horror situation: Daniella is forced to go to the cellar with Xeno in pursuit.

Reaction: Fight: Seeing Stuart dead she grabs a glass jar with fermaldihide and smashes it on Xeno’s head.

Horror situation: Daniella finds Mary, she looks at her eyes and she is blind.

Reaction: Hide: Daniella attempts to hide with Mary.

Horror situation: Mary straps Daniella into the chair as Xeno comes down for the surgery.

Character Death: Marcus makes his way down to the cellar and is about to free Daniella when Mary kills him.

Resolution

Horror situation: Daniella wakes in the hospital to find that she is the sole survivor of a fire.

Reaction: Denial: She tells Detective Smith that they killed Marcus and would not have died.

Horror situation: A nurse comes into Daniella’s room, it’s Mary.

Character Death: Daniella’s screams are heard as we fade to black.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas’ Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment was that I might have too many characters doing too many things and an edit is in need.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Dr Xeno is awoken at 1AM with a knock at his door, it’s the sheriff with a bloodied man holding a rag over his eye. The eye is dislodged and Xeno has to amputate it, he asks to keep the eye for studying purposes the man agrees, and thanks the Dr. After they leave he puts the eye in a jar and stares at it.

Connect with the characters: The sleepy mountain town of Big Bear is disconnected from the major city that borders it. The sheriff drives up to a group of teens hanging out near the town square, she beckons two of them over to her, her son and Xeno’s son Stuart, she is looking for Daniella the local troublemaker and current foster kid of the local bleeding heart. Daniella is at the coffee shop watching a little boy use his glasses to try and burn ants.
The characters are warned not to do it: She tells him it doesn’t work that way and he’s gonna mess up his glasses. He ignores her and drops the glasses scratching them. Dr. Xeno sees this and stands over the boy creating a shadow, he tells him to take better care of his eyesore, the boy is flippant. Xeno says he should take care of the eyes he has or he could lose them. Daniella finds his tone scary and off putting, he turns to her and tells her she needs to come by for an exam and to tell her guardian to make an appointment. Xeno stares at her eyes for an uncomfortably long time.

Denial of Horror: Daniella tells the sheriff that Xeno is a creep and was threatening the boy. The sheriff tells her to stop causing trouble and that Xeno is a respected member of the community and that she is a delinquent that should just run away when the time comes. The son of the sheriff and Stuart make their way to Daniella, it’s obvious the boys like her but she is uninterested. She asks Stuart about his dad and why he is so creepy, he shies away and says his dad has been that way since his mom’s accident.

Safety taken away: Stuart heads home, he says hi to his mom that is silent and is staring off into space. Stuart heads to see his dad and finds that he is with a patient. He sees the eye in the container and looks concerned, Xeno tells him it was a donation and to put it with the others. Stuart picks up the eye and takes it to a room in the back that contains a wall of eyes in containers. Daniella heads home and she is met with a smack by her foster mother and quoted bible verses. Her foster father comes in and escorts Daniella away to a her room and told to read the Bible before doing homework. He apologizes for his wife’s discretion and asks for her not to tell. She agrees and waits until he leaves to throw the Bible on the ground and do her homework.

Monster: The nature of the beast: Dr. Xeno is at the free clinic he runs in the city, Dr Johnson meets him as he walks in, there are many people there for eye exams. Xeno is all smiles, he sees a child and smiles until his eye shakes and they child is frightened, he blinks and says everything is alright that it was the result of an accident when he was young. In the middle of seeing patients a pair of detectives walks in, they ask questions of Dr. Johnson and if Xeno would mind looking at some photos. He does and the photos are of some people with their eyes missing, “surgically removed.” He tells the detectives he is not an eye surgeon but a basic optometrist. They thought he was one he says no that was his wife but she doesn’t practice any longer and that she is no use as she is catatonic. The dead people all had visited his clinic in the past year. The detectives don’t like his demeanor Marcus thinks it doesn’t add up, Smith says to leave it alone and that it’s more like a coincidence.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Back in Big Bear Daniella is brought to get her eyes checked, the boy from earlier is there as well. During the boys exam he freaks out about Xeno’s eye shake, Xeno turns up the pressure on the air puff machine and ends up damaging the boys’ eye. He tells the mom that her son messed with the machine, she doesn’t question it, Daniella witnessed the whole thing but is dismissed by the mother when she sticks up for the kid. During her exam Xeno notices that Daniella has perfect eye shape, and 20/20 vision. He asks if she is alone, luckily her foster mom is there and makes a scene. The Detectives investigate Xeno.

One of us killed: He sees the foster mom’s thick glasses and asks her to come back for an exam, free of charge, she agrees. She comes back that night and brings Daniella, who is creeped out but Stuart shows up and takes her upstairs. She meets his mom, who just sits and stares out a window, she can’t see her eyes. Stuart professes his love but she ignores him and then she finds the eye room. Xeno tells the foster mom that she did not take care of her glasses correctly and has neglected her eye health for years. Daniella is so creeped out she leaves, Stuart follows. Xeno knowing that he is alone with her, straps her to the chair and proceeds to dilate her eyes to the point of blindness. He turns on an old tutorial of how to remove an eye and proceeds to remove both her eyes and plop them into jars. They are still dilated, he finishes her off and sits in silence.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer: When the foster mom doesn’t show up at home the next day, Daniella tells the foster dad where they were and they call the sheriff. Daniella tells them about the eye room the sheriff does not care and Xeno tells the sheriff that the foster mom left in a state and does’t know where she went. They ask to see the security footage but none exists. Xeno explains the eye room and how it’s for research.

Terrorized: Xeno goes to the city and brings home a vagrant with two colored eyes. Danellia gets the sheriff’s son to come with her to spy on Xeno. They see him bring the vagrant down to the cellar through a different door than the practice. They follow, and watch as he kills the vagrant. They run away and tell the sheriff, she goes to check it out. Xeno takes her to the body and kills the sheriff in front of her son.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death: Xeno knocks out the son and straps Daniella in to the chair. Stuart comes downstairs and sees what is going on. He helps Daniella escape but is too late for the sheriff’s son. They run to her foster house and tell the foster dad what is up. He tells them to stay there and that he is going to have a word with the Dr Xeno. Dr Johnson calls the detectives and tells them that Xeno’s wife was a great eye surgeon but hasn’t practiced since a career ending accident. She also says he hasn’t been at the clinic in a week and hasn’t heard from the sheriff.

Hysteria: The kids watch in abject horror as Dr. Xeno appears at the end of the street under a light. They plead and cry for him not to meet Xeno. Xeno calmly explains to the foster dad that his son is delusional and Daniella has eyes that he needs for his wife and to let him have them. Xeno quickly kills the foster dad and makes his way to his son.

The thrilling escape from death: Stuart runs up to his dad and punches him, he tells Daniella that they have to rescue his mom, so they head back to his house.
Death returns to take one or more: Xeno rushes back to the house, and runs into the detective, they fight and detective is left for dead. The kids can’t get out of the house Stuart fights with his dad stabbing him. Xeno in reaction throws Stuart down the stairs to the cellar breaking his neck. Daniella is forced to head to the cellar only to find Stuart dead. Xeno heads down slowly, while Daniella finds his wife. She pulls back the wife’s hair only to see two grey cloudy eyes. She is blind, she grabs Daniella and forces her into the chair and straps her in.

Resolution: With Daniella in the chair they prep her for surgery and the wife tells her husband to get the surgery done fast. Daniella screams as she falls asleep. Gunshots are heard and a thud. Daniella hears the wife say, never mind his eyes will do. She wakes up in the hospital three weeks later and Detective Smith is there and asks what happened. Daniella says Xeno and his wife are responsible. Smith says the house was burned up and they believe both were inside the house and she was the only one outside the house with minor injuries. Smith leaves barely making eye contact with the nurse that has an eye patch. Daniella sees the nurse’s face but it’s too late, she screams as the nurse is Xeno’s wife, she puts her to sleep saying, “only one took, so we still need another.”

[Douglas Ryan]

Lesson 3 Survivors and Victims

Douglas Ryan’s Characters for Horror

What I learned about this assignment is that my concept doesn’t fit neatly into the set parameters of the assignment so some tweaking was needed but I am confident that knowing what to look for at this stage of the process is most valuable.

My concept is random people that are down on their luck getting free eye care from a Dr they seem to trust singles them out to get a “final” eye exam. The group I chose is E. Outsiders, as our victims are looked down on by a classist society. Especially our lead heroine Daniella.

The Dying pattern: A-

Daniella is the Carrier: she is an outsider of the community as she is a foster child. After Xeno tries to kill her she sets out to let the community know about Dr. Xeno.

Homeless men- Monster bait- Daniella sees our monster take these men home and never come out of the basement. These men are killed in gruesome fashion

Boy- Innocent who is killed for not taking care of glasses.

Stuart- Rescuer/Sacrificial lamb– He is the son of Dr. Xeno and Daniella shows him what his dad is up to.He confronts his father about everything and is killed by his dad for turning on the family.

Mary- Red Herring– the Dr.’s wife, she seems out of it and always is in a fight with her husband. We find out he is doing this all because of her and her need for new eyes.

Detective Marcus- Rescuer– Goes out of his way to prove Dr Xeno is the killer he is killed in the process of investigating the free clinic, Dr Xeno keeps one of his eyes for his wife.

Detective Smith- Complainer– she is Marcus’s partner and keeps finding a way not to do her job because she feels his theories don’t add up. She survives the final attack and is rescued by Daniella. She notices the wife’s right eye is familiar but can’t place it.

Dr Johnson- Moral one– She keeps telling everyone that Xeno is a good guy that really loves helping the unfortunate with her. She is used as cover until she sees his collection of eyes. Then he is caught killing her by Daniella.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan’s Terrifying monster

What I learned about doing this assignment is that in order for my monster to have a true mystery there needs to be a backstory reveal at the climax that will explain why he is a monster.

My monster is Dr. Xenos an Optometrist with a deadly secret and a lust for the perfect eyes.

Five parts

Terror: Xenos seems mild mannered on the surface but when he comes across someone who is not taking eye care seriously he makes sure there is a little extra air in the tonometer or more light in the other tests. Sometimes this satiates his burning desire to maim, when he sees folks that really don’t care, he “fixes” the exams and asks them to come back after hours, for a more extensive examination. He hunts his victims while working at a free clinic in the nearby city, because his practice is in a mountain town isolated from most of the area, and attached to his home. So having patients in his home is common and easy for him to lure victims back. On the outside he looks like a humanitarian with an odd hobby and sad wife. When a troubled teen from the area needs her exam he sees this as an opportunity to further his eye collection. When she escapes from his torturous eye exam he is forced to hunt down and kill anyone she tells that gets too close to his collection. While in his chair victims can go nowhere, he uses older archaic optometry equipment to torture and kill.

Mystery: Since we see the monster and know the monster, we don’t know his motives at first. He seems to be reactionary and unhinged. While true, he is calculating and methodical while keeping his normal clean facade. As his world is unravelled the true reason why he is looking for perfect eyes comes into focus, his wife is blind and has asked for experimental eye transplants knowing her husband can get the job done.

Fear Provoking Appearance: Xenos is a mystery to most in the town, he is a trusted member of the community, but his smile is deceptive all the children and teens find his smile uncomfortable, as every time he smiles his left eye shakes violently causing them to not pay attention to their exams. Some kids ask about it and he quickly stops smiling and blinks causing a tear. Parents do not see this as they are on their phones.

Rules: Killing vagrants and people that only will not be missed, and only killing those that would do harm to keeping his family unit in tact. He tries to not draw attention to himself but can’t help it because he hides in plain sight. He will kill to keep his secret safe.

Mythology: The wife is a gatekeeper and fuels his need to find the perfect eyes. She is what keeps him going, she gets the eyes she needs but upon seeing her dead husband and son turns her rage to those that took out the family unit. She does not know that Xenos killed her son. That can play into sequels and have an adverse effect on her actions in future films.

[Douglas Ryan]

MANDY-Horror Conventions

CONCEPT: A woodcutter and his wife are attacked by a cult leader that wants his wife. <div>

TERRORIZE THE CHARACTERS: our characters are taken hostage in their home. The husband is crucified in his yard and forced to watch as the cult burns his wife in a sleeping bag in front of him.

ISOLATION: They live in the deep woods and are pretty much nowhere near civilization.

DEATH: Our hero goes looking for revenge and is taken hostage by a group of masochistic leather clad drug induced killers. Using the drug himself, Red is able to slice and dice his way out of harms way.

MONSTER: The cult leader and his followers will do anything for him. It makes them think they are nigh invulnerable. But the real monster is Red, as he kills everyone that had anything to do with Mandy’s murder.

HIGH TENSION: The leather clad demons on dirt bikes and four wheelers seem like they are not killable, the leader of the cult uses his followers as shields, all while Red is trying to avenge his wife’s murder.

DEPARTURE FROM REALITY: Red having to kill seemingly invulnerable entities that turn out to be deranged humans. Red getting into a chainsaw fight with one of the cult members. The high amount of hallucinogenic drugs Red ingests to fight his detractors.

MORAL STATEMENT: Don’t poke the bear. By making a pact with drug induced devils and killing Mandy all players didn’t realize the lengths Red would go to, to exact revenge. That or make sure the guy is dead and you can get away with murder.

My Concept:

Title: Recessive Lens (working title)

Concept: An optometrist’s obsession with finding the perfect eyes leads him to killing patients that don’t take their eye care seriously.

Terrorize the Characters: A teen girl finds out the grizzly truth about her optometrist and warns others about him. People don’t listen and he sets out to get her cutting down anyone that believes her including his own child.

Isolation: When you are in the chair, you may stay forever. Our optometrist lives remotely and has a home with a working eye care center.

Death: After hours emergency surgery, home invaders, derelicts, most will die by means found in his optometry equipment. Especially the air machine, and pupil dilation with LSD. He takes the eyes, and keeps them on display, hiding in plain sight.

Monster/Villain: A man that has been killing for a while and likes it, his wife knows but is too afraid to say anything. His power is knowing that once in his chair he is calling the shots. His obsession for finding the perfect eyes is his hope that he will stop.

High Tension: The closer she gets to knowing his intentions she finds that she has the perfect eyes, and he wants them and will stop and nothing to get them.

Departure from Reality: An optometrist killing his patients and keeping their eyes on display while an investigation goes on.

Moral Statement: Perfection is unobtainable, even when it is.

What I learned from this was horror comes in all forms and flushing out some ideas is the best way to get the ball rolling.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Douglas Ryan.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Douglas Ryan.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan

5 features, 3 shorts (currently working on 2 more)

I would love to get some great tips on how to make more interesting horror.

I have been into horror since I was 9 and saw “Hellraiser” I actually wanted to be in SFX but after reading “The Gunslinger” and “The Watchers” at 11 I fell into the love of writing, but had to take a break while I was serving in the US Coast Guard. I have had a standing date with my oldest daughter to watch at least 1 horror film every weekend since she was 9. She has enjoyed most of the classics and enjoys John Carpenter most of all.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas (Doug) Ryan

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Douglas Ryan]

Critique Scene- QE#6

Logline: At Shilo Manor Marcus reveals why he has brought everyone together, putting Carley in spot revealing who she really is.

EXT. SHILO MANOR – NIGHT

A flash of heat lightning ignites the sky before the thunder revealing this gothic marvel. Wrought iron and brick fences surround the house. Another flash in the sky reveals eyes.

The eyes dissolve into a knocker with a joker clown face. It’s smile is unsettling. There is a swinging light above the door.

CARLEY 25, cross-fit has nothing on her, stands at the majestic door a backpack slung over one shoulder and a laptop bag in her hand.

She stares at the knocker. Is it staring at her. She moves slightly side to side watching the eyes.

CARLEY

(To herself) You know you should be more nice it’s a new century.

MARCUS (O.S.) (BEHIND THE DOOR)

You know you’re late.

She is not impressed with his tone. The door opens loudly with a squeak filling Carley with light. MARCUS 29, he’s a work in progress, stands hand on his hip grin ear to ear.

Carley smiles and nods, she looks at the threshold and sighs.

CARLEY

Aren’t you going to invite me in?

She makes a pouty face. Marcus rolls his eyes and waves her in.

MARCUS

Come on in.

She enters the house looking at the floor holding her breath. Marcus shuts the door with a bang.

INT. SHILO MANOR- DRAWING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

The drawing room is wide and looks like it was updated in the…

MARCUS

Yeah the previous owner bought the manor in 1985 and as you can see…

Marcus is addressing a group of 3 people, Carley, and CHAD 30’S stoner type, sit on a couch.DR. EGRESS, 50’S stands across the room at an art deco bar.

She’s paying little attention to Marcus and looking at a painting on the wall.

CARLEY

Well, it’s not that bad just not what I was expecting when you said Gothic Haunted House.

MARCUS

I know. I know. I thought we would like some “newer” comforts. Dr Egress?

She looks at the room but doesn’t stand to address the people in the room. Marcus sits next to Carley on the couch.

DR. EGRESS

Well we are all here for one reason.

She pauses for effect, looking at Chad she raises her eyebrows in disapproval as he is on his phone.

DR. EGRESS

And it’s not to be on those silly things.

She jumps up and points to the counter there is a row of monitors showing different rooms and a thermal monitor.

DR. EGRESS

But to prove there is life after death!

Carley smiles and claps, Marcus leans in and claps as well. Chad is unimpressed

CHAD

Yeah. So great to be here.

DR. EGRESS

Well I didn’t invite you, you little shit.

He puts down his phone and clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

MARCUS

I did.

DR. EGRESS

Figures you would. Is this punishment or something else?

Carley is aghast, she looks at him mouth agape.

CARLEY

You didn’t? They broke up, that’s so messed up.

Marcus shrugs and smirks. He’s not saying something.

DR. EGRESS

He’s a skeptic my dear. His ego would not be able to handle the truth so he made sure I would be distracted with pettiness and not focus on my work.

CHAD

No what’s messed up is that painting on the wall. It looks like you Car.

They all look at a medium size painting on the wall in front of them. It looks exactly like Carley, she is in 17th century dress and sits on a throne with 2 dogs at her feet.

DR. EGRESS

I was wondering child, if that was a relative.

All eyes are on Carley, she looks at the painting and then at her companions. She is not as shocked as they are. She stands and addresses them in front of the painting.

CARLEY

I wouldn’t know. Chad are you sure you want to stay?

Chad nods. Marcus’s eyes move from the painting and back to Carley several times. He is taking in everything.

DR. EGRESS

Chad dear, just don’t bed her again. I need her brain.

Chad drops his phone. They all look at Egress. Marcus looks at Carley, her head drops as they make eye contact.

DR. EGRESS

Oh. You didn’t know Son.

MARCUS

I had my suspicions (Leering at Chad) but ya’ll confirmed them. Why do you think I set up this weekend?

He stands and walks to Carley, she is still looking at the ground. He gently puts his hand on her chin lifting her face to look at his.

CARLEY

Enjoying yourself?

He grips her and shoves her back towards Egress. Chad jumps up and takes a step towards Marcus. Marcus spins around and quickly puts Chad on his ass.

MARCUS

Shit! I’m sorry. This is too much.

DR. EGRESS

BOYS! ENOUGH! If anybody should be jilted it’s me. You drag me out here for this ruse for what?

Marcus steps away from Chad and turns to Carley.

MARCUS

It’s your house Car. And you know it. Tell them!

CARLEY

I didn’t mean to, sleep with him it was impulse for me. I need you to know that.

She moves to take his hand but he pushes her with both hands sending her flying back into the air. Dr. Egress jumps to catch her, but stops mid run.

The men’s eyes widen and Egress stands over the floating Carley.

MARCUS

What the fuck?

Dr. Egress looks at her monitors, she does not see Carley on the video, she does not see her heat signature on the thermal cam monitor.

DR. EGRESS

She’s not registering. This could be a possession. I told you this was..

Carley slowly floats upright three feet off the floor. She looks at the shock and awe on their faces. Her eyes are no longer blue but bloodshot yellow.

CARLEY

(Groaning) Ghosts aren’t real.

MARCUS

Holy shit!

CHAD

What the hell are you?

Carley smiles revealing pointed incisors and laughs uneasily.

CARLEY

But vampires are. Surprise!

Dr. Egress walks up to her touching her. Chad lets out a high pitched scream.

DR. EGRESS

Fascinating. Child you are a marvel.

CARLEY

I’m 500 years old so please stop with the condescending tones.

Marcus walks slowly to her, she lowers her feet to the floor meeting him. His eyes are wide and he doesn’t know what to say.

He tries to speak but Carley puts her finger on his lips. She pulls his head down and kisses him.

CARLEY

I knew your ruse. I’ve searched for someone to share this immortality with, and I found you.

Marcus is stunned and cant stop himself from kissing her, he turns his head to the side. His vein is a lover for her teeth as she bites.

Carley releases blood fills her teeth and mouth. She forces Marcus to his knees as she pokes her finger with a sharp fingernail and releases a drop of blood onto his tongue.

MARCUS

Thank you. I’ve been waiting for this since I found you.

[Douglas Ryan]

Rewrite for QE#6

Logline: At Shilo Manor Marcus reveals why he invited everyone to the manor for finding ghosts forcing Carley to reveal her true self.

Essence: Forever love is not clean, it’s messy and bloody.

EXT. SHILO MANOR – NIGHT

A flash of heat lightning ignites the sky before the thunder revealing this gothic marvel. Wrought iron and brick fences surround the house. Another flash in the sky reveals eyes.

The eyes dissolve into a knocker with a joker clown face. It’s smile is unsettling. There is a swinging light above the door.

CARLEY 25, cross-fit has nothing on her, stands at the majestic door a backpack slung over one shoulder and a laptop bag in her hand.

She stares at the knocker. Is it staring at her. She moves slightly side to side watching the eyes.

CARLEY

(To herself) You know you should be more nice it’s a new century.

MARCUS (O.S.) (BEHIND THE DOOR)

You know you’re late.

She is not impressed with his tone. The door opens loudly with a squeak filling Carley with light. MARCUS 29, he’s a work in progress, stands hand on his hip grin ear to ear.

Carley smiles and nods, she looks at the threshold and sighs.

CARLEY

Aren’t you going to invite me in?

She makes a pouty face. Marcus rolls his eyes and waves her in.

MARCUS

Come on in.

She enters the house looking at the floor holding her breath. Marcus shuts the door with a bang.

INT. SHILO MANOR- DRAWING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

The drawing room is wide and looks like it was updated in the…

MARCUS

Yeah the previous owner bought the manor in 1985 and as you can see…

Marcus is addressing a group of 3 people, Carley, and CHAD 30’S stoner type, sit on a couch.DR. EGRESS, 50’S stands across the room at an art deco bar.

She’s paying little attention to Marcus and looking at a painting on the wall.

CARLEY

Well, it’s not that bad just not what I was expecting when you said Gothic Haunted House.

MARCUS

I know. I know. I thought we would like some “newer” comforts. Dr Egress?

She looks at the room but doesn’t stand to address the people in the room. Marcus sits next to Carley on the couch.

DR. EGRESS

Well we are all here for one reason.

She pauses for effect, looking at Chad she raises her eyebrows in disapproval as he is on his phone.

DR. EGRESS

And it’s not to be on those silly things.

She jumps up and points to the counter there is a row of monitors showing different rooms and a thermal monitor.

DR. EGRESS

But to prove there is life after death!

Carley smiles and claps, Marcus leans in and claps as well. Chad is unimpressed

CHAD

Yeah. So great to be here.

DR. EGRESS

Well I didn’t invite you, you little shit.

He puts down his phone and clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

MARCUS

I did.

DR. EGRESS

Figures you would. Is this punishment or something else?

Carley is aghast, she looks at him mouth agape.

CARLEY

You didn’t? They broke up, that’s so messed up.

Marcus shrugs and smirks. He’s not saying something.

DR. EGRESS

He’s a skeptic my dear. His ego would not be able to handle the truth so he made sure I would be distracted with pettiness and not focus on my work.

CHAD

No what’s messed up is that painting on the wall. It looks like you Car.

They all look at a medium size painting on the wall in front of them. It looks exactly like Carley, she is in 17th century dress and sits on a throne with 2 dogs at her feet.

DR. EGRESS

I was wondering child, if that was a relative.

All eyes are on Carley, she looks at the painting and then at her companions. She is not as shocked as they are. She stands and addresses them in front of the painting.

CARLEY

I wouldn’t know. Chad are you sure you want to stay?

Chad nods. Marcus’s eyes move from the painting and back to Carley several times. He is taking in everything.

DR. EGRESS

Chad dear, just don’t bed her again. I need her brain.

Chad drops his phone. They all look at Egress. Marcus looks at Carley, her head drops as they make eye contact.

DR. EGRESS

Oh. You didn’t know Son.

MARCUS

I had my suspicions (Leering at Chad) but ya’ll confirmed them. Why do you think I set up this weekend?

He stands and walks to Carley, she is still looking at the ground. He gently puts his hand on her chin lifting her face to look at his.

CARLEY

Enjoying yourself?

He grips her and shoves her back towards Egress. Chad jumps up and takes a step towards Marcus. Marcus spins around and quickly puts Chad on his ass.

MARCUS

Shit! I’m sorry. This is too much.

DR. EGRESS

BOYS! ENOUGH! If anybody should be jilted it’s me. You drag me out here for this ruse for what?

Marcus steps away from Chad and turns to Carley.

MARCUS

It’s your house Car. And you know it. Tell them!

CARLEY

I didn’t mean to, sleep with him it was impulse for me. I need you to know that.

She moves to take his hand but he pushes her with both hands sending her flying back into the air. Dr. Egress jumps to catch her, but stops mid run.

The men’s eyes widen and Egress stands over the floating Carley.

MARCUS

What the fuck?

Dr. Egress looks at her monitors, she does not see Carley on the video, she does not see her heat signature on the thermal cam monitor.

DR. EGRESS

She’s not registering. This could be a possession. I told you this was..

Carley slowly floats upright three feet off the floor. She looks at the shock and awe on their faces. Her eyes are no longer blue but bloodshot yellow.

CARLEY

(Groaning) Ghosts aren’t real.

MARCUS

Holy shit!

CHAD

What the hell are you?

Carley smiles revealing pointed incisors and laughs uneasily.

CARLEY

But vampires are. Surprise!

Dr. Egress walks up to her touching her. Chad lets out a high pitched scream.

DR. EGRESS

Fascinating. Child you are a marvel.

CARLEY

I’m 500 years old so please stop with the condescending tones.

Marcus walks slowly to her, she lowers her feet to the floor meeting him. His eyes are wide and he doesn’t know what to say.

He tries to speak but Carley puts her finger on his lips. She pulls his head down and kisses him.

CARLEY

I knew your ruse. I’ve searched for someone to share this immortality with, and I found you.

Marcus is stunned and cant stop himself from kissing her, he turns his head to the side. His vein is a lover for her teeth as she bites.

Carley releases blood fills her teeth and mouth. She forces Marcus to his knees as she pokes her finger with a sharp fingernail and releases a drop of blood onto his tongue.

MARCUS

Thank you. I’ve been waiting for this since I found you.

[Douglas Ryan]

QE#6 First Draft

Logline: Carley arrives at Shilo Manor for a weekend of trying to prove ghosts exist, Marcus, her lover, and other two colleagues have already arrived.

Essence: You never really know who your lover is when you’re young.

EXT. SHILO MANOR – NIGHT

A flash of heat lightning ignites the sky before the thunder revealing this gothic marvel. Wrought iron and brick fences surround the house. Another flash in the sky reveals a eyes.

The eyes dissolve into a knocker with a joker clown face. It’s smile is unsettling. There is a swinging light above the door.

CARLEY 25, cross-fit has nothing on her, stands at the majestic door a backpack slung over one shoulder and a laptop bag in her hand.

She stares at the knocker. Is it staring at her. She moves slightly side to side watching the eyes.

CARLEY

(To herself) You know you should be more nice it’s a new century.

MARCUS (O.S.)

You know you’re late.

She is not impressed with his tone. The door opens loudly with a squeak filling Carley with light. MARCUS 29, he’s a work in progress, stands hand on his hip grin ear to ear.

Carley smiles and nods, she looks at the threshold and sighs.

CARLEY

Aren’t you going to invite me in.

She makes a pouty face. Marcus rolls his eyes and waves her in.

MARCUS

Come on in.

She enters the house looking at the floor holding her breath. Marcus shuts the door with a bang.

INT. SHILO MANOR- DRAWING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The drawing room is wide and looks like it was updated in the…

MARCUS

Yeah the previous owner bought the manor in 1985 and as you can see…

Marcus is addressing a group of 3 people, Carley, CHAD 30’S stoner type, and DR. EGRESS, 50’S she’s paying little attention to Marcus and looking at a painting.

CARLEY

Well, it’s not that bad just not what I was expecting when you said Gothic Haunted House.

MARCUS

I know I know. I’m just as surprised as you all are. But can we make the best of this. Dr. Egress you have the floor.

She looks at the room but doesn’t stand to address the people in the room. Marcus sits next to Carley on the couch.

DR. EGRESS

Well we are all here for one reason.

She pauses for effect, looking at Chad she raises her eyebrows in disapproval as he is on his phone.

DR. EGRESS

And it’s not to be on those silly things.

She jumps us and points to the bar at the end of the room. On the counter there is a row of monitors showing different rooms and a thermal monitor.

DR. EGRESS

But to prove there is life after death!

Carley smiles and claps, Marcus leans in and claps as well. Chad is unimpressed

CHAD

Yeah. So great to be here.

DR. EGRESS

Well I didn’t invite you, you little shit.

He puts down his phone and clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

MARCUS

I did.

Dr. Egress is aghast. Carley is as well, she looks at him mouth agape and punches his shoulder. He rubs his arm faking that it hurt.

CARLEY

Why would you do that? You know they are not together any longer.

Marcus shrugs and smirks.

DR. EGRESS

He’s a skeptic my dear. His ego would not be able to handle the truth so he made sure I would be distracted and not focus on my work.

CARLEY

You didn’t? That’s so messed up.

CHAD

No what’s messed up is that painting on the wall. It looks like you Car.

They all look at a medium size painting on the wall in front of them. It looks exactly like Carley, she is in 17th century dress and sits on a throne with 2 dogs at her feet.

DR. EGRESS

I was wondering child, if that was a relative.

All eyes are on Carley, she looks at the painting and then at her companions. She is not as shocked as they are. She stands and addresses them in front of the painting.

CARLEY

I wouldn’t know. I’m not from this state. It is eerie but hey you never know. Chad are you still up for doing this?

Marcus’s eyes move from the painting and back to Carley several times. He is taking in everything.

DR. EGRESS

Oh he is Child. Chad just don’t fuck her again. I need her brain.

Chad drops his phone. They all look at Egress. Marcus looks at Carley, her head drops as they make eye contact.

DR. EGRESS

Oh. You didn’t know Son.

MARCUS

No. I had my suspicions (Leering at Chad) but ya’ll confrimed them.

He stands and walks to Carley, she is still looking at the ground. He gently puts his hand on her chin lifting her face to look at his.

MARCUS

You bitch.

He shoves her back towards the wall. Tears of anger form on her face. Chad jumps up and takes a step towards Marcus. Marcus spins around and quickly puts Chad on his ass.

DR. EGRESS

BOYS! ENOUGH! If anybody should be jilted it’s me. You drag me out here for this ruse for what?

Marcus steps away from Chad and turns to Carley.

MARCUS

Well Dr. This house is not haunted but it does belong to Car. She has been lying this whole time.

CARLEY

About what? Yeah so I fucked him, (Sneering at Egress) he was good. But not great. Marcus,

She moves to take his hand but he pushes her with both hands sending her flying back. Dr. Egress jumps to help her from falling on the floor but stops mid run.

The men’s eyes widen and Egress stands over the floating Carley.

MARCUS

What the fuck?

Dr. Egress looks at her monitors, she does not see Carley on the video, she does not see her heat signature on the thermal cam monitor.

DR. EGRESS

Gentlemen, this is very peculiar. She’s not registering. This could be a possession. I told you this was..

Carley slowly floats upright three feet off the floor. She looks at the shock and awe on their faces. Her eyes are no longer blue but bloodshot yellow.

MARCUS

Holy shit!

CHAD

What the hell are you?

Carley smiles revealing pointed incisors and laughs uneasily.

CARLEY

Surprise! I’m a vampire.

Dr. Egress walks up to her touching her.

DR. EGRESS

Fascinating. Child you are a marvel.

CARLEY

Hey bitch! I’m 500 years old so stop with the condescending tones.

Chad leans over the side of the couch and pukes.

CARLEY

Dude that’s gross! You better clean that shit up.

Marcus walks slowly to her, she lowers her feet to the floor meeting him. His eyes are wide and he doesn’t know what to say.

He tries to speak but Carley puts her finger on his lips. She pulls his head down and kisses him.

CARLEY

Look, I’m sorry I had sex with puke boy over there. But I’m old and have a deep appetite sexually. I also don’t care that you had revenge sex with old crusty tits over there.

Dr. Egress’s eyes widen in shock that she knows. Carley responds without looking at her.

CARLEY

I watched from the shadows. It was hot.

MARCUS

So this is your house and…

CARLEY

I knew your ruse. I’ve searched for someone to share this immortality with, and I found you.

Marcus is stunned and cant stop himself from kissing her, he turns his head to the side. His vein is a lover for her teeth as she bites.

Dr. Egress yells, while Chad screams like a woman. Carley releases blood fills her teeth and mouth. She forces Marcus to his knees as she pokes her finger with a sharp fingernail.

She releases a single drop of blood onto his tongue.

MARCUS

Thank you.

Marcus’s eyes turn to bloodshot yellow, as he looks at Chad. He smiles showing his new teeth.

BLACK

Chad’s high pitched scream is followed by a crunch.

DR. EGRESS (V.O.)

Fascinating.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan QE#5- Rewrite

What I learned was the brainstorming helped me move through the interest techniques. After I got the first draft done I ended up writing more to the scene and then taking some dialogue out. I actually posted my second draft on the previous forum. So this is more like a 3rd draft. I am finding it easier to get more interest techniques into scenes now on first draft.

EXT. LOADING DOCK POST OFFICE – DAY

BRANDY, 40’S in USPS uniform stands next to a cart and puffs on her vape. She watches as a carrier truck speeds past the dock. Inside she sees PHILLIP 20’S, he looks at her as well.

Brandy nods in his direction and he nods in hers. He exits his truck and darts up to her. He is short much shorter than Brandy.

PHILLIP

All done with your route?

She puffs her vape and blows it in his face. He coughs and winces.

BRANDY

Hell no. I gotta go talk to some postal cop. Gonna cost me my EOM.

She looks at him accusingly. He looks away and then goes in to whisper in her ear.

PHILLIP

You know me, I would never drop dime. Your photo will be up.

Brandy narrows her eyes and puts her hand on her hip.

BRANDY

Um, hum. I believe dat. Well I gotta go talk to this guy. You keep your ears open, this some shit.

He nods and looks nervous, but puffs out his chest and lifts his head high.

PHILLIP

Don’t worry B, I have it under control. I got this, you slay queen!

Brandy looks at him unimpressed. She shakes her head and walks into the building. He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh.

INSPECTOR TODD, 35 steps from around the corner. He towers over Phillip.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi I’m Inspector Dan Todd.

Phillip has a blank deer in headlights stare. Todd moves closer and pulls out a recording device.

INSPECTOR TODD

Well you were adamant about telling your side of the events first.

Phillip looks around to see if anyone is watching him.

PHILLIP

Sure lets go talk in my truck.

INT. POST OFFICE-BACK ROOM – LATER

Brandy sits next to a small desk in a grungy office. There is a mail cart outside the door overflowing. She stares at the first 3 rows are all FBI’s most wanted.

INSPECTOR TODD (O.S.)

Recognize someone?

Brandy spins around to see Todd at the door.

BRANDY

Why you guys looking for new recruits? I could use a new pay grade.

Todd rolls his eyes as he shuts the door and makes his way to the seat in front of Brandy.

INSPECTOR TODD

Lets see how this goes.

Brandy’s eyes dart over to the door. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Expecting someone?

BRANDY

Naw. So whats up I got a route and lunch to get back to.

Todd pulls out the recording device and sets it on the desk. He turns it on as he sits and crosses his legs. He is sitting almost perfectly straight with his hand on the desk.

Brandy eyes his posture and does the opposite, sitting with her legs stretched. She is almost leaning out of the chair.

INSPECTOR TODD

This is inspector Dan Todd US postal inspector five one zero three eight. It is October 19th 2020. I am interviewing Carrier Brandy Smalls about an incident on September 30th involving another carrier Phillip Stonewall.

Brandy’s eyebrows raise and she sits up a bit, with a smile.

BRANDY

So where Phil at?

INSPECTOR TODD

He’ll be in, in a minute. I wanted to get your version of what happened on September 30th.

Brandy stares at the recorder and takes a deep breath. She turns to Todd and lets out the breath as she speaks.

BRANDY

So you know i’m doing my thing on my route. And then out of nowhere I sees this truck like. Going super slow behind the Walmart. I don’t know what it was but I knew they was shady.

Inspector Todd narrows his eyes in fascination at her story.

INSPECTOR TODD

So you deviated from your route to follow this truck?

She throws her hands up in a grand gesture, becoming animated. Moving around in her chair and using her arms to tell the story.

BRANDY

Yeah man. I was like “Yo” Cuz I heard about them dumping those things and I’m like,

Todd cuts her off.

INSPECTOR TODD

Dumping what things?

BRANDY

Votes dummy. I’m like “not on my watch.”

She throws her hands out and grabs her crotch. Todd laughs at her antics.

INSPECTOR TODD

So who did you see in the truck?

She looks to the side and squints her eyes. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Phill come on in.

The door opens and in steps Phillip. He looks at Brandy and she eyes him.

BRANDY

Speak of the devil.

PHILLIP

Hello everyone.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi. Please sit over there.

Todd points to the other side of the desk. Phillip makes his way to the chair and sit. He is visibly nervous and keeps looking around, purposely avoids making eye contact.

BRANDY

What up Phill! Why you creeping like a mug?

Phillip makes eye contact and quickly looks at the desktop.

PHILLIP

Hey Brandy, sorry about all this.

Todd drums his fingers on the desk.

INSPECTOR TODD

Philip Stonewall has entered the room and now we will get his version of the event.

BRANDY

Yo, I didn’t finish my version.

PHILLIP

Yo Brandy it’s all good. I already gave him the 411.

Brandy shifts in her seat to look at Phillip. Her ice cold stare is felt by Phillip even though he is looking down at the desk.

BRANDY

Wait what 411? (To Todd) What this motherfucka say?

INSPECTOR TODD

Shut it. Go ahead Phill, in your own words and time.

PHILLIP

Well it’s like I told you earlier. I went round to the spot where Brandy said to meet me and…

BRANDY

What!? This some bullshit!

INSPECTOR TODD

Brandy! Please continue Phillip.

He sighs and looks at the other two in the room.

BRANDY

Yeah Phill go on with your fucking lies.

INSPECTOR TODD

HEY! Enough!

Brandy throws her hands up.

PHILLIP

Well she was at the spot and well she had the whole thing set up. There was a makeshift bed and she even set up a camera.

Brandy’s eyes widen and her mouth drops wide open. Todd sees this and his look stops her from making a sound.

PHILLIP

Well, she closed the van and turned on the cam. And, we had sex. Right there on all the mail

He begins to cry. Brandy is stunned and laughs while clapping.

PHILLIP

I don’t know why but it was a fetish for her, not me.

Phillip sniffles and runs his arm across his nose wiping the snot away. He uses the back of his hand to clear his tears.

Brandy jumps out of her seat and starts pointing her hands at the two men in the room.

BRANDY

Bullshit motherfucker! It was you throwing them votes away!

INSPECTOR TODD

You sit down now!

BRANDY

I’ll sit but you show him the video Mr. Postman!

Inspector Todd pulls out his phone and plays a video, showing it to Phillip. Brandy sits and flips off Phillip as he looks at the video. His eyes widen and face drops as he watches.

INSPECTOR TODD

Care to revise your statement before I read you your rights?

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan-QE #5

Logline: Brandy and Phillip are postal carriers that have a secret, Postal Inspector Todd was called in to get to the truth.

Essence: Phillip professes to help Brandy but ends up trying to take her down, Brandy won’t go down without a fight.

EXT. LOADING DOCK POST OFFICE – DAY

BRANDY, 40’S in USPS uniform stands next to a cart and puffs on her vape. She watches as a carrier truck speeds past the dock. Inside she sees PHILLIP 20’S, he looks at her as well.

Brandy nods in his direction and he nods in hers. He exits his truck and darts up to her. He is short much shorter than Brandy.

PHILLIP

All done with your route?

She puffs her vape and blows it in his face. He coughs and winces.

BRANDY

Hell no. I gotta go talk to some postal cop.

She looks at him accusingly. He looks away and then goes in to whisper in her ear.

PHILLIP

You know me, I’m the man baby, I would never drop dime.

Brandy narrows her eyes and puts her hand on her hip.

BRANDY

Um, hum. I believe dat. Well I gotta go talk to this guy. You keep your ears open on who blabbed.

He nods and looks nervous, but puffs out his chest and lifts his head high.

PHILLIP

Don’t worry B, I have it under control. I got this girl.

Brandy looks at him unimpressed. She shakes her head and walks into the building. He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh.

A tall man, INSPECTOR TODD, 35 steps from around the corner. He towers over Phillip.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi I’m Inspector Dan Todd.

Phillip has a blank deer in headlights stare. Todd moves closer and pulls out a recording device.

INSPECTOR TODD

Well you were adamant about telling your side of the events first.

Phillip looks around to see if anyone is watching him.

PHILLIP

Sure lets go talk in my truck.

INT. POST OFFICE-BACK ROOM – LATER

Brandy sits next to a small desk in a grungy office. There is a mail cart outside the door overflowing. She stares at the first 3 rows are all FBI’s most wanted.

She studies faces trying to force it to memory. The last face she sees, a bearded man with long hair and glasses looks familiar.

BRANDY

No fucking way.

INSPECTOR TODD (O.S.)

Recognize someone?

Brandy spins around to see Todd at the door. He’s does not look like he sounds.

BRANDY

Oh, no. I thought you would be younger?

Todd rolls his eyes as he shuts the door and makes his way to the seat in front of Brandy.

INSPECTOR TODD

Get that all the time.

Brandy’s eyes dart over to the door. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Expecting someone?

BRANDY

Naw. So whats up I got a route and lunch to get back to.

Todd pulls out the recording device and sets it on the desk. He turns it on as he sits and crosses his legs. He is sitting almost perfectly straight with his hand on the desk.

Brandy eyes his posture and does the opposite, sitting with her legs stretched. She is almost leaning out of the chair.

INSPECTOR TODD

This is inspector Dan Todd US postal inspector five one zero three eight. It is October 19th 2020. I am interviewing Carrier Brandy Smalls about an incident on September 30th involving another carrier Phillip Stonewall.

Brandy’s eyebrows raise and she sits up a bit, with a smile.

BRANDY

So where Phil at? Don’t he need to be here too? I mean thats only right, right?

INSPECTOR TODD

He’ll be in, in a minute. I wanted to get your version of what happened on September 30th.

Brandy stares at the recorder and takes a deep breath. She turns to Todd and lets out the breath as she speaks.

BRANDY

So you know i’m doing my thing on my route. And then out of nowhere I sees this truck like. Going super slow behind the Walmart. I don’t know what it was but I was compelled to see what they was up to.

Inspector Todd narrows his eyes in fascination at her story.

INSPECTOR TODD

So you deviated from your route to follow this truck?

She throws her hands up in a grand gesture, becoming animated. Moving around in her chair and using her arms to tell the story.

BRANDY

Yeah man. I was like “Yo” Cuz I heard about them dumping those things and I’m like,

Todd cuts her off.

INSPECTOR TODD

Dumping what things?

BRANDY

Votes dummy. I’m like “not on my watch.”

She throws her hands out and grabs her crotch. Todd laughs at her antics.

INSPECTOR TODD

You seem way too into this persona.

Brandy shakes her head and sits up.

BRANDY

Naw. It’s who I am man. You know just me.

INSPECTOR TODD

Is this how Phill knows you?

She looks to the side and squints her eyes. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Phill come on in.

The door opens and in steps Phillip. He looks at Brandy and she eyes him.

PHILLIP

Hello everyone.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi. Please sit over there.

Todd points to the other side of the desk. Phillip makes his way to the chair and sit. He is visibly nervous and keeps looking around, purposely avoids making eye contact.

BRANDY

What up Phill! Why you creeping like a mug?

Phillip makes eye contact and quickly looks at the desktop.

PHILLIP

Hey Brandy.

Todd drums his fingers on the desk.

INSPECTOR TODD

Philip Stonewall has entered the room and now we will get his version of the event.

BRANDY

Yo, I didn’t finish my version.

PHILLIP

Yo Brandy it’s all good. I already gave him the 411.

Brady shifts in her seat to look at Phillip. Her ice cold stare is felt by Phillip even though he is looking down at the desk.

BRANDY

Wait you already hear this motherfuckers side? Now you want me to…

INSPECTOR TODD

Shut it. Go ahead Phill, in your own words and time.

PHILLIP

Well it’s like I told you earlier. I went round to the spot where Brandy said to meet me and…

BRANDY

What!? Bold faced lie!

INSPECTOR TODD

Brandy! Please continue Phillip.

He sighs and looks at the other two in the room.

BRANDY

Yeah Phill go on with your fucking lies.

INSPECTOR TODD

HEY! Enough!

Brandy throws her hands up.

PHILLIP

Well she was at the spot and well she had the whole thing set up. There was a makeshift bed and she even set up a camera.

Brandy’s eyes widen and her mouth drops wide open. Todd sees this and his look stops her from making a sound.

PHILLIP

Well, she closed the van and turned on the cam. And, we had sex. Right there on all the mail

He begins to cry. Brandy is stunned and laughs.

PHILLIP

I don’t know why but it was a fetish for her, not me.

INSPECTOR TODD

How long have you two been having relations?

Phillip sniffles and runs his arm across his nose wiping the snot away. He uses the back of his hand to clear his tears.

PHILLIP

Two months.

INSPECTOR TODD

Who instigated the relationship?

PHILLIP

She did.

Brandy jumps out of her seat and starts pointing her hands at the two men in the room.

BRANDY

Bullshit motherfucker!

INSPECTOR TODD

You sit down now!

BRANDY

I’ll sit but you show him the video Mr. Postman!

Inspector Todd pulls out his phone and plays a video, showing it to Phillip. Brandy sits. Phillip looks at the video. His eyes widen.

VIDEO:

Phillip is pulling out bags of mail from his truck. He riffles through them pulling out handfuls of green envelopes. The camera zooms in.

They are voter registration forms and mail ballots. Phillip walks them to a bin and tosses them in. He repeats the process

BACK TO SCENE

Phillip looks up at the two of them, his tears are gone and his face is red. He is embarrassed, but that fades as anger boils up inside him. Brandy flips him off.

BRANDY

That’s right motherfucker! Whatcha got now bitch?

PHILLIP

Fuck!

INSPECTOR TODD

Care to revise your statement before I read you your rights?

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug’s Interest Scene

What I learned from this assignment is that pulling the interest techinques in this way with a great brainstorm makes the first draft go so much smoother. It gives me a chance to see what other situations can be worked into the next draft and so on.

Logline: Sammy comes home to find June on her fire escape patio after getting her fired a week before, it seems as June wants to bury the hatchet.

EXT. FIRE ESCAPE PATIO – NIGHT

The sounds of the Washington DC fill the night. Honking cabs, sirens, skateboarders, drunks with no agenda all fill the ear of JUNE, 30, petite but strong.

She is sitting looking out at the night, her legs dangle under the bottom bar of the ledge. She takes a deep breath as a door behind her opens. SAMMY 22, stands in the doorway.

SAMMY

Whoah! How did you get up here?

June looks at Sammy and shrugs.

JUNE

The usual way.

June puts a hand in her pocket and shifts whatever is inside.

SAMMY

Didn’t know you liked guys clothes.

JUNE

Tons of things you don’t know about me.

Sammy shifts her weight. She is uncomfortable and rubs her back uneasily and grimaces. It’s not pain just unease. June watches with concerned interest.

SAMMY

What?

JUNE

Oh nothing. Just thought you would want to say something to me about last week.

Sammy sighs like a teen that has been told to do a chore. June stands up and steps to the side so sammy can come out on the ledge.

SAMMY

Ugh! Look I told you I had to get mine.

JUNE

You know, it’s cool. I hiked all the way up here to say no hard feelings.

June puts out her hand. Sammy looks left and right checking for a trap. There is none she can see and steps out onto ledge taking June’s hand.

June quickly gets a firm grip on Sammy’s hand and pulls her in tight for an embrace. Sammy is taken off guard by the hug and desperately tries to keep June’s hand away from her lower back.

June feels the hard bump on Sammy’s back. They make eye contact. Sammy is a deer in headlights, as June cracks a sinister smile.

SAMMY

Uh. I can explain.

June pulls the gun from Sammy’s back waist belt and steps back pointing it at her. Sammy spins with hands up backing into the railing.

JUNE

Here I was going to tell you it’s all right and you were coming to what? Kill me, threaten me.

SAMMY

No! NO! Nothing like that.

Sammy looks at her guilty and then at the ground.

SAMMY

Ok I was going to scare you. But it was because I really needed that job and you were just too…

June cuts her off as she cocks the weapon.

JUNE

Oh no. I know I’m good. Thats why every firm on K street knows my name. I’ve been working this shit for 8 years. Got into it with some shady fucks, but you. You take the cake.

Sammy has tears in her eyes.

SAMMY

Look June don’t kill me. I’ll do anything! Please.

JUNE

Tell ’em it was you.

SAMMY

Well not that, I still need the job kitten.

JUNE

Jesus! Look kid just cop to what you did and we can have a drink and laugh about this.

Sammy looks at the barrel of the gun, then above it focusing on June’s face. Tears run down her cheeks as she screws on her courage.

SAMMY

Do it bitch. I bet you don’t have the..

BANG! The gun goes off. Sammy makes a stupid face and drops to her knees.

June is holding the gun pointed in the air.

JUNE

Wow. Blanks. FUCKING BLANKS! Whoo!

Sammy is sobbing and covers her face.

SAMMY

How did you know?

June smirks as she quickly retorts.

JUNE

I didn’t.

Sammy lifts her head and the horror on her face is real. June looks down on her and smiles.

JUNE

Just fucking with ya. I found out what you were planning from Dave.

Sammy scowls.

SAMMY

Fucking Dave.

June removes the clip from the gun and ejects the cartrage in the chamber. Sammy is in awe that June does this with such precision and knowhow.

JUNE

Girls gotta know how to defend herself. Especially here with all these creepy capital hill guys.

June tosses the gun back into the open doorway. She kneels down and helps Sammy to her feet. She props her up against the railing holding on to her shirt.

Sammy’s goes onto her heels from the force. She puts her hands on the top rail to keep from falling down. She quickly looks at the ground, four stories down.

SAMMY

Whoa! Whoa! Hey now?

June smiles.

JUNE

Don’t worry you won’t die from this height.

She thinks about it for a moment.

JUNE

Unless you fall on your head. Then it’s death or coma city.

Sammy shakes her head at the insane thing she just heard.

JUNE

Just tell me what you’re going to tell Austin in the morning, so I can get my goddam life back.

Sammy takes a deep breath.

SAMMY

Fine I’ll tell him it was me that set you up.

JUNE

And!

SAMMY

It was me that sent the email to the clients from your account.

JUNE

Good.

She lets go of Sammy. Sammy slumps and looks at the ground.

SAMMY

I have nothing if I tell them that.

JUNE

Not my problem.

June turns away from Sammy and looks into the corner of the roof. She smiles, winks and waves. June pulls out her phone from her pocket.

JUNE

You get all that Dave.

DAVE (V.O.)

Loud and clear.

Sammy hears Dave’s voice and screams. She reacts so quickly that June can’t act. With one motion she grabs June by her shirt and spins her into and over the railing.

June is able to grab the railing with one hand. Still holding the phone in her other hand she looks back and forth from the ground and Sammy.

SAMMY

Enjoy fall bitch.

Sammy walks back into the apartment and slams the door shut.

JUNE

DAVE TELL ME YOU GOT ALL THIS.

DAVE (V.O.)

Holy shit yeah! I’m calling the cops and an ambulance.

June looks at the ground and at her surroundings. Her fingers are starting to slip.

JUNE

No need. I got this.

She tosses her phone to the patio below. She reaches up and grabs the rail with her other hand and swings her legs until her feet touch the rail below her.

JUNE

(Unsure) Yeah I got this.

[Douglas Ryan]

<div>

Doug Ryan

Reveals

What I learned from doing this assignment was I can add intrigue in a scene with limiting my dialogue, more action and adding as many interest techniques to a scene as possible. It enhances my writing and I can see a scene in a different way.

Logline: Red wakes up at home after a night of killing and has to confront her wife, Julie.

</div>

INT. RED’S APPARTMENT- BEDROOM – THE NEXT DAY

Red wakes up in her bed, she looks left, MAEVE,8, is curled up in the middle of the bed. She looks for her wife but she is not there.

She hears JULIE, 30’s, in the kitchen. She gets up and heads for the smell of coffee.

INT. RED’S APPARTMENT- LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Julie sits on a couch watching the morning news sipping coffee.

TV REPORTER

There was a wherehouse fire early this morning in what authorities are calling arson. Three bodies were found inside with no heads or hands. They believe…

She mutes the tv as she sees Red in the reflection.

JULIE

Poured you a cup. It’s on the counter. Also plugged your phone in.

Red grabs the cup and heads to the couch. Julie stands as Red sits. She grabs her hand lightly and looks at her softly.

RED

Where ya going love?

She turns and looks at her and nods towards the TV.

JULIE

This town seems to be going to shit.

Red looks away and sucks her lips into her teeth.

RED

Sorry I was out so late love.

Julie scowls and shakes her head and clenches her fist. She is holding back tears, barely. Red tries to pull her down to the couch. Julie yanks her hand out of Reds’.

Julie scowls and takes a deep breath.

JULIE

Was it worth it?

Red sips coffee and shifts her eyes from Julie to the TV and back.

JULIE

Don’t you do that! Maeve wanted to know where her mamma was last night! I thought you were going to be with us?

Red looks into the coffee mug ashamed, and guilty. She speaks softly as if she doesn’t believe the words herself.

RED

Tell her I was out doing some good.

Julie tosses Reds’ phone on her lap her voice rising but with knowledge of the little girl sleeping in the next room.

JULIE

Good? That’s rich. So who was it.

RED

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

She has had enough of Red’s game. Julie knows Red was out moonlighting.

JULIE

Check your god damn messages. I did.

Red looks at her with guilty eyes and quickly looks away. Julie nods in disapproval.

JULIE

I’m taking Maeve to the park.

Julie puts her coffee down and heads to the bedroom. Red picks up her phone and stares at the family photo on the screen. She’s fucking this up.

JULIE (O.S.)

Wash your fucking jacket it smells like gas and smoke. It’s a miracle you didn’t get any blood on it.

Red raises her eyebrows and shake her head. Whispering to herself.

RED

Not divine, just common sense.

Red checks her messages.

RED’S PHONE

DENNY: Hey got a job big $$$, going down soon. Let me know.

RED: (Typing) I have domestics, so think I’ll pass for now.

Red sends and scrolls to next message.

BIG T: Come to Gino’s tonight at 8. Got a job.

RED: Ginos @ 8.

Sends and scrolls.

O’RYAN: Sorry to hear about your marriage. Let us know when we can see Maeve. (smiley face) You two should come home (Irish flag)

RED: Well brother, I’ll let you know. I’m working right now, talk to you soon.

Sends, click.

Red takes a big sip of coffee and looks at the picture of Maeve. She looks like her mother except for her long red hair. How did she even get that red hair?

RED

Ok, lets go to the park!

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan:

Character Relationships

Darius- Intelligent, Loyal, Haunted, Smooth

Gus Gatorman- Braggart, Scheming, Easy going, Competitive

Albert Fletcher- Meticulous, Didactic, Distant/Aloof, Self-aggrandizing

Darcy Fletcher- Precise, Calculating, Conniving, Opportunist

Darius/Darcy

His intelligent trait mixed with her precise trait brings out a rapport when they need to work together to keep staff in line and get things done. It is also a source of competition when she makes comments or references that she thinks he won’t get and he lets her know he does.

Her conniving traits help her achieve her goals which butt heads with his loyalty and smooth traits to his fellow staff and guards which creates the conflict and contrast.

His haunted trait leaves him open at times for her opportunist trait which causes subtext for her to take advantage of his loyalty.

I changed her calculating trait to unhinged, and with that it gives him a chance to contrast with his intelligent trait.

Gus/Albert

Gus’s braggart trait and Albert’s self- aggrandizing trait gives them report as they both like to talk themselves up. Under the surface lies only little admiration though.

Albert’s meticulous trait contrasts with Gus’s easy going trait. He can’t stand that Gus is a loud person in volume and appearance. It causes conflict.

Gus’s competitive trait kicks in when Albert’s self aggrandizing trait kicks in. It becomes a measuring contest to see who’s wallet is bigger, which leads the the subtext and realization for Gus he is not that rich.

I am changing Gus’s scheming trait to hot headed, and this contrasts with Alberts distant/aloof traits causing Gus great consternation because Albert is no help in stressful situations.

What I learned is that I can change the traits to fix problems with dramatic situations in the script. Finding these specific relationships with my characters helps keep things dramatic and fun.

[Douglas Ryan]

QE#4 Re-Write This scene

Logline: Maxine uses Renee’s professional makeup skills to fool everyone into thinking she has cancer.

Essence: Renee’s career takes off with Maxine’s downfall.

The trait I changed was Maxine’s Paranoid trait to Self Righteous.

FADE IN:

INT. MAXINE’S ROOM – AFTERNOON

MAXINE, 25 skinny but not frail, lays in hospice bed looking out the window longingly. There is a beeping sound coming from the machine attached to her arm.

Her mother JANE 65, sits by her bed holding her hand sobbing. We can’t see her eyes through her gaudy sunglasses to match her gaudy jewelry.

MAXINE

It’s okay mom. I’m going to beat this thing.

JANE

Has Brad called?

Maxine snaps her head to look at her mom. Maxines’s face looks as though she has seen more chemo in the past month than food.

MAXINE

No! And he can, he can just go to hell. Him and his little hussy.

Her mom tilts her head in confusion.

JANE

I thought he was just on a break, like with what happened with your father?

Maxine shakes her head and looks out the window again.

MAXINE

He isn’t on a break mom. He has left but I’m hopeful he will come back when he sees me in this state.

JANE

Oh baby. I’m so sorry. You should have told me.

MAXINE

Well I would have but, I was. I was too ashamed.

They both start to cry. Maxine presses a button on her bed and she looks at the door. The room is as big as a two bedroom apartment and just as gaudy as Jane’s jewelry.

She looks at the door annoyed and presses the button again. The door opens, RENEE 27, short blue colored hair and dressed in a nurse’s smock enters.

RENEE

Yes ma’am whatcha need.

MAXINE

Well the attitude is a bit much Renee, maybe tone it down.

Renee makes her way to the bed, and looks at Maxine’s face. She grabs Maxine’s chin and slowly turns her head side to side and up and down.

RENEE

I can be formal or I can be precise. And formal doesn’t really help you now does it?

She lets go of Maxine’s chin. Maxine nods toward her mother.

MAXINE

This is my mother Jane. Maybe you could tell her what is going on with my health.

Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at the leathery gaudy LA old money next to her. Renee extends her hand, Jane does not take it.

RENEE

Hello, Mrs. Kline!

JANE

That’s Ms. Kurtz.

RENEE

Well, Ms. Kurtz I’ve been working with Max here…

Jane looks at Maxine and whispers.

JANE

You let her call you Max? Only your dad called you that.

MAXINE

No. I don’t and please Renee address me as Maxine. It’s my given name and I would implore you to use it or lose your employ.

JANE

That’s my girl.

Renee narrows her eyes.

RENEE

Sure thing Ms. Maxine. I’m sure I misspoke. Please forgive my rudeness. I can just move that scarf and show…

Maxine eyes open wide as she cuts her off.

MAXINE

No! That’s quite alright Renee, please continue.

Renee has a buzz on her phone and pulls it out of her pocket. She opens it and looks at the message.

PHONE MESSAGE

Just saw your Tik-Tok. Great makeup work! Call me when you get a chance.

She smiles and looks at the room.

MAXINE

Well get on with it my mother has a right to know and your messages can wait.

RENEE

Well Ms. Maxine, someone at Rick Baker’s liked my work. So I might be taking a new gig. So sorry. Oh and your daughter has stage 2 breast cancer, so sorry.

Maxine looks at Renee worried.

RENEE

(With no emotion)Well she is fighting and I’m sure she’ll beat this thing, (At Maxine, annoyed) Soon.

Jane wails loudly. Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at Maxine who mouths “Thank you.” Renee shrugs. Jane cuts her crying short.

JANE

Why do I know that name?

MAXINE

What name mom?

JANE

Rick. Baker, isn’t he that nice fellow that did the makeup on your father’s films so long ago?

Maxine eyes widen with fear as a slow smile creeps on Renee’s face. Jane doesn’t notice.

MAXINE

I’m sure it’s not the same guy mom.

RENEE

Yeah there’s lots of Rick Baker’s in the world. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Renee’s phone buzzes again.

PHONE MESSAGE

Brad: holy shit she is that hard up for attention. Tell her I’m never coming back and her sister knows of the ruse.

Renee looks scared.

RENEE

Oh shit.

MAXINE

What, oh shit?

Renee shrugs and makes an oops smirk.

RENEE

Guess the cat’s out of the bag.

MAXINE

What was that last message?

Jane cries louder. Renee shakes her head and shows Maxine the message. Maxine screams.

RENEE

Umm. I posted some of my work. And it’s fucking great work, and I’m not sorry for making my mark.

MAXINE

This was supposed to be my opus.

RENEE

Well it looks like it’s mine, and frankly I’m glad.

The intercom goes off in the bedroom. Renee answers it.

RENEE

Hello? Who’s calling?

A woman’s voice is heard over the speaker. It’s SASHA, Maxine’s sister

SASHA (V.O.)

Hey bitch! Buzz me in I gotta talk to her.

JANE

Oh dear Sasha is here buzz her in.

Renee buzzes her in. All three women listen to the stomping of footsteps, until they reach the door. Sasha flings the door open and pushes past Renee, who doesn’t stop her.

MAXINE

Home wrecker! I’m very ill so…

Sasha moves past her mom and looks directly at her sisters face.

SASHA

You bitch. Had us all fooled!(Looks at Renee) Great work Renee.

Sasha grabs at her sisters head scarf. The two scream and fight. Sasha pulls off the scarf and a bald cap revealing her sisters full head of hair. Jane screams loudly.

SASHA

Thought so.

Maxine cries in anger. Jane screams and Renee curses.

JANE

What’s going on here?

SASHA

Renee did all this makeup to help her trick us mom.(To Renee) Really great work by the way! It’s amazing!

RENEE

I aim to please. How’s Brad?

Jane swivels her head between her two daughters, mouth agape.

[Douglas Ryan]

Logline: Maxine is using Renee, a makeup artist, to help her fake cancer to get sympathy because her husband left her.

Essence: Maxine finds that her ruse actually helped Renee get noticed in Hollywood, but at her expense.

Trait that I changed was Maxine from paranoid to Self Righteous. This revised her subtext to Maxine is a tricky woman who believes she is entitled to get what she wants.

INT. MAXINE’S ROOM – AFTERNOON

MAXINE, 25 skinny but not frail, lays in hospice bed looking out the window longingly. There is a beeping sound coming from the machine attached to her arm.

Her mother JANE 65, sits by her bed holding her hand sobbing. We can’t see her eyes through her gaudy sunglasses to match her gaudy jewelry.

MAXINE

It’s okay mom. I’m going to beat this thing.

JANE

Has Brad called?

Maxine snaps her head to look at her mom. Maxines’s face looks as though she has seen more chemo in the past month than food.

MAXINE

No! And he can, he can just go to hell. Him and his little hussy.

Her mom tilts her head in confusion.

JANE

I thought he was just on a break, like with what happened with your father?

Maxine shakes her head and looks out the window again.

MAXINE

He isn’t on a break mom. He has left and not coming back.

JANE

Oh baby. I’m so sorry. You should have told me.

MAXINE

Well I would have but, I was. I was too ashamed.

They both start to cry. Maxine presses a button on her bed and she looks at the door. The room is as big as a two bedroom apartment and just as gaudy as Jane’s jewelry.

She looks at the door annoyed and presses the button again. The door opens, RENEE 27, short blue colored hair and dressed in a nurse’s smock enters.

RENEE

Yes ma’am whatcha need.

MAXINE

Well the attitude is a bit much Renee, maybe tone it down.

Renee makes her way to the bed, and looks at Maxine’s face. She grabs Maxine’s chin and slowly turns her head side to side and up and down.

RENEE

Well I’m not one for formalities plus you’re not getting anything done without me. Remember!

She lets go of Maxine’s chin. Maxine nods toward her mother.

MAXINE

This is my mother Jane. Maybe you could tell her what is going on with my health.

Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at the leathery gaudy LA old money next to her.

RENEE

Well Mrs. Kline.

JANE

That’s Ms. Kurtz.

RENEE

Well, Ms. Kurtz if you would come by more often you would know Max here is..

Jane looks at Maxine and whispers.

JANE

You let her call you Max? Only your dad called you that.

MAXINE

No. I don’t and please Renee address me as Maxine. It’s my given name and I would implore you to use it or lose your employ.

JANE

Wow.

Renee narrows her eyes.

RENEE

Sure thing Ms. Maxine. I’m sure I misspoke. Please forgive my rudeness.

Renee has a buzz on her phone and pulls it out of her pocket. She opens it and looks at the message.

PHONE MESSAGE

Just saw your Tik-Tok. Great makeup work! Call me when you get a chance.

She smiles and looks at the room.

MAXINE

What is it?

RENEE

Oh just another gig. Someone at Rick Baker’s liked my work. I could surely use the cash but I would hate to leave you on your gilded perch of illness.

JANE

What are you blathering about, tell me what is wrong with my daughter or you will find yourself without employ.

Maxine looks at Renee worried.

RENEE

Well she is fighting stage 2 breast cancer.

Jane wails loudly. Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at Maxine who mouths “Thank you.”

JANE

Why do I know that name?

MAXINE

What name mom?

JANE

Rick. Baker, isn’t he that nice fellow that did the makeup on your father’s films so long ago?

Both Maxine and Renee’s eyes widen with fear. Jane doesn’t notice.

MAXINE

I’m sure it’s not the same guy mom.

RENEE

Yeah there’s lots of Rick Baker’s in the world. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Renee’s phone buzzes again.

PHONE MESSAGE

Jack: holy shit she is that hard up for attention. Tell her I’m never coming back and her sister knows of the ruse.

Renee looks scared.

RENEE

Oh shit.

MAXINE

What, oh shit?

Renee shrugs and makes an oops smirk.

RENEE

Guess the cat’s out of the bag.

MAXINE

Good more people know.

Jane cries louder. Renee shakes her head.

RENEE

Umm. They know because I posted some of my work. And it’s fucking great work.

MAXINE

You didn’t? This was supposed to be my opus.

RENEE

Well it looks like it’s mine, and frankly I’m glad.

The intercom goes off in the bedroom. Renee answers it.

RENEE

Hello? Who’s calling?

A woman’s voice is heard over the speaker. It’s SASHA, Maxine’s sister

SASHA (V.O.)

Hey bitch! Buzz me in I gotta talk to her.

JANE

Oh dear Sasha is here buzz her in.

Renee buzzes her in. All three women listen to the stomping of footsteps, until they reach the door. Sasha flings the door open and pushes past Renee, who doesn’t stop her.

MAXINE

Dear sister, I’m very ill what is..

Sasha moves past her mom and looks directly at her sisters face.

JANE

Whatever are you doing child?

SASHA

You bitch. Had us all fooled!(Looks at Renee) Great work Renee.

Sasha grabs at her sisters head scarf. The two scream and fight.

JANE

Please girls stop this insanity!

Sasha pulls off the scarf and a bald cap revealing her sisters full head of hair.

SASHA

Thought so.

Maxine cries in anger. Jane screams and Renee curses.

JANE

What’s going on here?

SASHA

Renee did all this makeup to help her trick us mom. I just watched Renee’s Insta post. (To Renee) It’s all over the web. Good work!

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan-QE#3

Logline- Dr Nancy Li is partnered with Squire, an intern for the constable on a Moonbase, to find out who or what destroyed the sustainable plants in Pod 6.

Essence- Age does not mean ineptitude.

INT. BIOPOD 6 – DAY

Doctor NANCY LI, 30s surveys the damage of her prized plants. She is holding back the tears as she kneels down and pets one of the leaves still intact to her

NANCY LI

My poor genoa fiddle leaf. I will find the bastard that did this and

Behind her is CONSTIBLE RAY 60s, a bear of a man and his intern SQUIRE LOAF, 25 fit with a huggable face.

CONTIBLE RAY

Ahem! Doc, this is my intern Squire. Now he gonna take over here cuz. Well cuz I don’t give a shit and quite frankly it’s a small moon and you’ll have better luck figuring what happened here than me.

Nancy turns without getting up and scans the two men with passion reserved for gutting a fish.

NANCY LI

Why because I’m more in tune to the people of this moon than you are.

CONTIBLE RAY

Pretty much, and Squire here is gonna learn the ropes. I figure he can help you and you can help him. It’s a win, win. Plus I get to catch up on my stories.

Nancy stands and glares disapprovingly at Squire, who holds his limp hand out with a boyish smile.

SQUIRE

Hi. Can’t wait to work with…

NANCY LI

Ray. This is some bullshit. He’s like 10 years old.

SQUIRE

No matter what I’m here to please.

CONTIBLE RAY

I don’t give a fart in church. He’s your partner now.

Ray makes his way to the path just barely missing the plants.

SQUIRE

You know we could just head over to your office grab some grub and look at the footage.

She ignores his attempt at a pass, and looks past him.

NANCY LI

No cams in here, it messes with the plants and, ugh! Hey Ray!

Ray halfway to the exit turns around.

NANCY LI

This is some bullshit! He’s gonna end up in somethings belly and you’re gonna be all “what happened to my intern?” And I’m gonna be like, shoulda been here to do it yourself.”

SQUIRE

Wow. If you really want me just say so Dock. (winks)

CONTIBLE RAY

Deal with it. Oh and if he gets eaten that’s on you.

NANCY LI

Un-un! On you!

CONTIBLE RAY

Dammit Doc, just work with him. That’s an order.

She throws her hands up as he exits at the other end of the room. Squire smiles at her and goes to lean on an imaginary pole and almost falls over.

NANCY LI

(To herself)Idiot. (To him) This whole I’m so stupid I must be cute routine ends now.

SQUIRE

Sure, sure. I got ya Doc Nancy. So why no cams?

She looks at him with angry eyes and ignores his question.

NANCY LI

What the hell is wrong with you? Stop stepping on the evidence.

She shoves him back onto the path and leans down studying the ground where he was stepping. She picks up a flower petal and strokes it gently.

SQUIRE

You really love these plants eh.

She doesn’t look up, as she lays the petal back down onto the ground.

NANCY LI

That I do. These plants were supposed to be our oxygen and food supply for 3 months.

Squire looks around at the other damaged plants and flowers. He notices some trees were not harmed. Nancy turns and sees him studying the rest of the Biopod’s contents.

NANCY LI

What are you thinking? I have an idea, but what is your assessment?

He puts his hands in his pockets and tilts back on his heels.

SQUIRE

Seems odd that they only came over here and there.

He points to another area with damage. She follows his finger, she notices another intern DEBBIE, 20’s at the other end cataloguing.

NANCY LI

Go talk to Debbie. She might know.

SQUIRE

But isn’t this your pod?

NANCY LI

I’m in charge of 3 pods. I don’t know everything about everything.

SQUIRE

Well Ray said..

She pops up to get eye to eye with him.

NANCY LI

Ray is a lazy fat pice of laborite.

SQUIRE

Fine. But if I get a lead you buy lunch.

NANCY LI

Fine whatever.

Squire walks down towards Debbie. Nancy looks around the ground and sees something sticking out of the ground. She unearths half a keycard.

She looks over at Squire who is waiving Debbie over to him. Nancy pulls out plastic baggie, deposits the keycard into it and looks around before she slyly puts it in her pocket.

NANCY LI

I’ll figure this out before him. Stupid kid. I got this. (She looks at the plants) Don’t worry babies mama’s gonna find the lowlife that did this and make him PAY!

She hears giggles. She looks, stands and makes her way to the other two. Squire is smiling and making eyes with Debbie.

SQUIRE

So you’ve only been here three years?

She is into him.

DEBBIE

Yeah. How bout you?

He tilts his head and raises his eyebrows to match his slick smile.

SQUIRE

I’ll never tell. At least not while the sun is shining. What time you off here?

She smiles and looks down, she’s blushing and trying to hide it. He knows he’s got her now.

DEBBIE

When the sun doesn’t shine.

SQUIRE

Well I had this perfect bottle of kelp wine.

DEBBIE

Ooh. I love kelp wine. We could sit back and…

He smiles at her, and feels Nancy behind him.

SQUIRE

Well like I said, I had a bottle.

Nancy looks on in bewilderment.

NANCY LI

Debbie? You don’t actually like this proto do you?

SQUIRE

Well Proto’s do it in any condition.

Nancy burns him with her eyes. Debbie giggles as Squire winks at her.

NANCY LI

So what did you find out? Intern.

He rubs his smooth face with his hand and sucks his teeth.

SQUIRE

I might have something. (Looking at Debbie) I’m gonna work that lead later tonight.

Nancy misses all the innuendo as Debbie giggles and blushes. Squire winks at her.

NANCY LI

(Rubbing her pocket) Look I got

nothing. So I’m gonna just head out for lunch. You wanna come?

He shakes his head no and looks deep into Nancy’s eyes. She is a bit intimidated by this.

SQUIRE

Naw but could you Pick me up a sandwich and chips?

Nancy doesn’t know why she is nodding yes but she is.

NANCY LI

Sure thing. Be back in an hour.

Nancy talks to herself as she leaves. Squire smiles knowing that he just got a free lunch.

DEBBIE

Um. Do you think you could have ordered something for me.

SQUIRE

Nope. So why no security cams in here?

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan QE-#3

Logline: On moon base Gamma botanist Dr Nancy Li’s prized sustainable plants have been demolished, and instead of helping the constable assigns his intern Squire to help solve the crime.

Essence: Nancy cares more for her plants than the people of the base, and cares even less about the baby faced lothario trying to help her solve the crime.

INT. BIOPOD 6 – DAY

Doctor NANCY LI, 30s surveys the damage of her prized plants. She is holding back the tears as she kneels down and pets one of the leaves still intact to her

NANCY LI

My poor genoa fiddle leaf. I will find the bastard that did this and

Behind her is CONSTIBLE RAY 60s, a bear of a man and his intern SQUIRE LOAF, 25 chubby with a huggable face.

CONTIBLE RAY

Ahem! Doc, this is my intern Squire. Now he gonna take over here cuz. Well cuz I don’t give a shit and quite frankly it’s a small moon and you’ll have better luck finding him than I will.

Nancy turns without getting up and scans the two men with passion reserved for gutting a fish.

NANCY LI

Why because I’m more in tune to the people of this moon than you are.

CONTIBLE RAY

Pretty much, and Squire here is gonna learn the ropes. I figure he can help you and you can help him. It’s a win, win. Plus I get to catch up on my stories.

Nancy stands and glares disapprovingly at Squire, who holds his limp hand out with a boyish smile.

SQUIRE

Hi.

NANCY LI

Ray. This is some bullshit. He’s like 10 years old.

SQUIRE

Um. Ouch.

CONTIBLE RAY

I don’t give a fart in church. He’s your partner now.

Ray makes his way to the path just barely missing the plants.

SQUIRE

You know we could just head over to your office grab some grub and hash this out. You know look at the footage.

She ignores his pathetic attempt at a pass, and looks past him.

NANCY LI

Hey Ray.

Ray halfway to the exit turns around.

NANCY LI

This is some bullshit! He’s gonna end up in somethings belly and you’re gonna be all “what happened to my intern?” And I’m gonna be like, shoulda been here to do it yourself.”

SQUIRE

Hello! Right here. Aw thats ok.

CONTIBLE RAY

Deal with it. Oh and if he gets eaten that’s on you.

NANCY LI

Un-un! On you!

CONTIBLE RAY

I’m not doing this Doc. Just work with the kid, that’s an order.

She throws her hands up as he exits at the other end of the room.

Squire smiles at her and goes to lean on an imaginary pole and almost falls over.

NANCY LI

Idiot. This whole I’m so stupid I must be cute routine ends now.

SQUIRE

Sure, sure. I got ya Doc Nancy.

She looks at him with angry eyes.

NANCY LI

What the hell is wrong with you? Stop stepping on the evidence.

She shoves him back onto the path and leans down studying the ground where he was stepping. She picks up a flower petal and strokes it gently.

SQUIRE

You really love these plants eh.

She doesn’t look up, as she lays the petal back down onto the ground.

NANCY LI

That I do. These plants were supposed to be our oxygen and food supply for 3 months.

Squire looks around at the other damaged plants and flowers. He notices some trees were not harmed. Nancy turns and sees him studying the rest of the Biopod’s contents.

NANCY LI

Not that you would have any but what is your insight?

He puts his hands in his pockets and tilts back on his heels.

SQUIRE

Why were those trees and plants not touched. Seems odd that they only came over here and there.

He points to another area with damage. She follows his finger, she notices another intern DEBBIE, 20’s at the other end cataloguing.

NANCY LI

Go talk to Debbie. She might know.

SQUIRE

But isn’t this your pod?

NANCY LI

I’m in charge of 3 pods. I don’t know everything.

SQUIRE

Well Ray said..

She pops up to get eye to eye with him.

NANCY LI

Ray is a lazy fat pice of laborite.

SQUIRE

Fine.

Squire walks down towards Debbie. Nancy looks around the ground and sees something sticking out of the ground. She unearths half a keycard.

She looks over at Squire who is waiving Debbie over to him. Nancy pulls out plastic baggie, deposits the keycard into it and looks around before she slyly puts it in her pocket.

NANCY LI

I’ll figure this out before him. Stupid kid. I got this. (she looks at the plants) Don’t worry babies mama’s gonna find the lowlife that did this and make him PAY!

She stands and makes her way to the other two. Squire is smiling and making eyes with Debbie.

SQUIRE

So you’ve only been here three years.

She is into him.

DEBBIE

Yeah. How bout you?

He tilts his head and raises his eyebrows to match his slick smile.

SQUIRE

I’ll never tell. At least not while the sun is shining. What time you off here?

She smiles and looks down, she’s blushing and trying to hide it. He knows he’s got her now.

DEBBIE

When the sun doesn’t shine.

SQUIRE

Well I had this perfect bottle of kelp wine.

DEBBIE

Ooh. I love kelp wine. We could sit back and I don’t know.

He smiles at her, and feels Nancy behind him.

SQUIRE

Well like I said, I had a bottle.

Nancy looks on in bewilderment.

NANCY LI

Debbie? You don’t actually like this proto do you?

SQUIRE

Hey who you calling proto?

Nancy burns him with her eye.

NANCY LI

So what did you find out? Intern.

He rubs his smooth face with his hand and sucks his teeth.

SQUIRE

Well I could tell you but the lead is too good. (Looking at Debbie) I’m gonna work that lead later tonight.

Nancy misses all the innuendo as Debbie giggles and blushes. Squire winks at her.

NANCY LI

(Rubbing her pocket) Look I got

nothing. So I’m gonna just head out for lunch. You wanna come?

He shakes his head no and looks deep into Nancy’s eyes. She is a bit intimidated by this.

SQUIRE

Naw I got some things I need to work out here. Pick me up a sandwich and chips.

Nancy doesn’t know why she is nodding yes but she is.

NANCY LI

Sure thing. Be back in an hour.

Nancy talks to herself as she leaves. Squire smiles knowing that he just got a free lunch.

DEBBIE

Um. Do you think you could have ordered something for me.

SQUIRE

Nope.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan-Assignment #13-Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that improving my writing is that using these techniques I can go back and rewrite a scene that I thought was ok, and make it great/amazing.

Logline: Red shows up to a job where she has to take everyone out, she connects to and saves a panther.

Essence: Red is a hired killer that is good at her job but it’s not a job it’s payment for debts owed to a mobster.

I was able to add most of the techniques in my rewrite. It wasn’t just moving words, I changed the entire essence of the scene by giving backstory and intrigue where there was none before.

FADE IN:

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

A Red Ford F250 blasting heavy metal music drives through and parks in a spot close to a loading dock. The drivers face is blocked by reflections of light. The engine shuts off.

The door opens, a woman’s torso exit wearing a double gun belt with matching guns in the holsters. She reaches into the cab and pulls out an old military style trench coat.

The coat has many patches, some of famous metal bands. As RED, 30s, dons the coat her long red hair is flipped and draped over the back. She ties it back

A phone buzzes. Red pulls it out, the screen has a picture of a blond woman and a little girl with long red hair. Red reads the message.

RED’S PHONE

“ALL OF THEM”

She sighs and kisses the picture before tossing the phone into the cab.

RED

(Irish accent) Guess it’ll be a late night loves.

She reaches in and pulls out a black metal briefcase from the floor and closes the door.

We hear a man screaming, as a train passes by.

INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Red, swinging the brief case, marked “TOOLS” in stencil, heads towards the screaming. There is an open door behind her and a cage in front of her.

She sees a sad panther in the cage and stops and kneels. They make eye contact. The panther allows her to pet it.

RED

Poor creature. You should be free.

Red stands and looks to where the screaming is coming from.

RED

(To the panther) Gotta pay my debt.

STAN is chained to a chair, bloodied and beaten, he is sobbing. MANNY and DOM, his torturers, stand a few feet away to the side laughing. Dom holds his phone taking video.

Red whistles loudly. All three men look in her direction. She whistles “head shoulders knees and toes.”

MANNY

This is some bullshit a’int it, Dom?

DOM

We didn’t call for you Red.

RED

Well I don’t want to be here either. But Big T said to get here.

MANNY

We got this you fucking Mick. We don’t need a cleaner.

RED

Oh yeah, goomba.(Sarcastically) You are definitely handling this situation. Dom are ya fecking serious? Taking photos.

DOM

Umm.. no video.

Red rolls her eyes and grits her teeth.

RED

Video!? That’s feckin worse. Give me the phone, now!

Manny and Dom look at one-another and shake their heads. Dom locks the phone. Red sets the case down

DOM

You wasn’t in it. So. No. My phone and I’ll do..

Red unlocks the panthers cage. Manny and Dom shift nervously. Red is stone cold locked in staring at their faces.

RED

Delete the fecking video and put the phone unlocked on the ground.

Dom looks at Manny who nods for him to do as she says. Dom opens the phone and deletes the video.

MANNY

Look he’ll tell us where he keeps his stash.

Red opens the cage. All three men are terror stricken as the panther roars.

Dom kicks the phone over to Red. Red closes the cage, the panther stays inside.

RED

Thank you.

Red pulls one of her guns and fires three well placed shot into Dom’s chest. He’s dead before he hits the ground. Manny looks at Dom’s dead bloodied body and freezes.

She quickly fires once more. Manny grabs his throat and falls to the ground. She looks at the panther, and opens the cage. She picks up her case and walks over to Manny.

STAN

Oh my god. Oh my god. Jesus forgive me.

Red opens the “tools,” all in neat order. Her fingers move across them, two vice grips, a hammer, a pipe wrench, pair of pliers, a garrote, a bone saw and a knife roll.

RED

No Stan my son. No god here.

The panther roars and exits the cage. Stan sobs.

RED

And redemption is a parlor game they tell you to play at mass. Us lapse catholics know all about that.

Red stops at the knife roll and looks at Stan with a smile. She taps the roll three times and winks at Stan. Stan looks on in abject terror and mumbles.

The panther roars again, Red turns to look at it. They make eye contact.

RED

Go now. You’re free.

The panther acknowledges and bolts out the open back door.

STAN

Our lord god hear me…

Manny puts his hands around his own throat and tries to talk but just gurgles blood. Red pulls out a serrated blade.

RED

God’s not listening. To any of us. If she was she’d of stopped me a long, long, time ago. Way before I ever entered the military.

Red takes the blade to Stans abdomen.

STAN

Please, I’ll tell you where the stash is. Just let me go. I’ll disappear, Big T will never know.

Red scowls and puts a finger to her lips as the knife point goes in.

RED

Shhh. Big T knows, and we all owe Big T. So no getting out of this shite.

Stan screams, as Red puts the knife halfway into his side.

STAN

WHY?

RED

Because you’re a lowlife pedophile pimp, that sells children to other pedos. You are deserving of a longer more painful death. But I wanna go home to my family and even though I’ve got a talent for it, torture is a holy show. It sucks.

Red pulls out a gun from her holster. Stan, crying, looks Red in the eyes and nods.

STAN

They said it was in their car. That’s all I know.

Stan sobs as Red puts the gun to his head.

STAN

(mumbles) God please for…

Red pulls the trigger, blood spurts out and Stan slumps dead.

RED

(to Stan) No. No redemption for you.

Manny moves and moans, Red turns towards Manny and holsters her gun. She picks up the bone saw and kneels next to him as he chokes on his own blood.

RED

Sorry Manny, but I’m not done yet. Lets make this quick. Ugh.

She puts the saw on his neck and hums “head, shoulders, knees and toes.”

[Douglas Ryan]

Title: Doug Ryan: Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is much easier when I break down scenes using these techniques, and character traits.

Scene 1:

A. Current Scene Logline: Red enters a warehouse and is told to eliminate ALL of the people inside.

B. Essence: The opening scene that sets up Red as a badass killer with a debt to pay.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Have Red be more forlorn about killing
Have him kill the guy being tortured right away forcing a question of what next from the others in the room
Red releases the panther causing everyone in the room to realize this is not good
Red has to watch his back as someone is watching from the shadows.

D. Red makes his way into the room but does not see an FBI agent in the darkness, and does his job killing all those in the room. Then Red notices the FBI agent causing a standoff where the only way out of the situation is for Red to release a caged panther. The panther decides not to harm Red but attacks the FBI agent allowing Red to escape.

Scene 2:

A. Current Scene Logline: Drake, a stay at home dad with two daughters visits the first preschool of many, the school is more like a glorified daycare with no accountability

B. Essence: Drake has to get his daughter into a preschool but this place is not fit for her or any other kid.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Drake is asked to fill out paperwork that is cause for alarm
Drake really wants to get this over with but realizes real quick this is not the place for his daughter.
Drake is getting a “power sale” from the “Quality Team Of Educators” and his oldest daughter starts a revolution for the kids in “time out.” This gives him an out.
Drake’s baby poops and it smells so badly they have to go, but first he asks if he can change her and the quality team feels he should not change her but that they should.

D. Drake keeps getting passed from one person to the next, in his process of applying for this “preschool.” In this power sale his 10 month old poops and it is ripe! He asks to for the bathroom to change her and immediately a “team member” tries to take the baby from him. When he denies the offer, they say they are uncomfortable with him changing his own daughters diaper. He thanks them and leaves the place and proceeds to change his daughter in their van. He then goes back inside and drops the diaper into the waste bin smiles and leaves.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is even when I think my characters are really interesting they can always be improved upon to make for more dramatic angles in scenes. It is really helping me flush out more of my story learning this technique.

DESCRIPTION: Drake is a stay at home dad that tends to be more into his kids than meeting other parents.

TRAITS: Loving, Loner, Standoffish, Lazy

SUBTEXT: Drake’s loner standoffish ways keep him from making connections with others.

DESCRIPTION: Drake, a former chef and now stay at home dad thinks he can raise his kids without any help even from his wife.

TRAITS: Loving, Slacker, Snarky, Misanthrope

SUBTEXT: Drake uses his kids as cover for averting meeting new people and his slacker ways causing rifts in his marriage.

DESCRIPTION: Red is a former royal Irish Ranger turned hitman that is forced out of the shadows by his boss and a crooked FBI agent.

TRAITS: Kick ass, Snarky, highly observant, Loyal.

SUBTEXT: Red rushes into situations based on loyalty, even when he is the only one that is loyal.

DESCRIPTION: Red, a former Irish Ranger turned assassin for a Tampa mob has to protect her family from a crooked FBI agent that set her up.

TRAITS: Snarky, Loyal, Skilled, Invincible.

SUBTEXT: Red uses her skills to avoid capture and death constantly and seemingly effortlessly, leaving her blind loyalty unchecked.

DESCRIPTION: Darius is a war veteran working for tax evading elites who could care less if he lives or dies.

TRAITS: Strong, Smart, Dependable, Depressed,

SUBTEXT: Darius follows orders in order to keep everyone safe.

DESCRIPTION: DARIUS is a well read war vet dealing with PTSD while working head security for wealthy tax evaders on an island compound.

TRAITS: Dependable, Naive, Aware, and Deposed.

SUBTEXT: DARIUS trusts what he is doing is right but is forced to realize he is just following orders from people who think he is expendable.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug’s QE#2 Rewrite Exchange

Logline: 2525: A deranged John holds hostages while trying to start a machine to cleanse “Earth”, until a N.I.C.K. cyber suit shows up to thwart his plan revealing John’s true purpose.

Essence: Nick must use her wits to get John to not cause a planetary disaster.

INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY

The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.

The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.

ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.

JOHN (O.S.)

Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!

John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.

MAC

What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?

John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.

JOHN

You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!

ALLY

We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.

John shoves past her and heads to the holographic control console.

JOHN

No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!

A cyber mech suit crashes through the ceiling to the floor in the clean room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots at the glass shattering it everywhere. Three blasts from an arm cannon on the suit blow a hole in the wall and rip apart the tables. John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head.

The suit pulls up a cannon on it’s arm. John backs up to the holo panel.

ALLY

Take the shot! You can end this.

The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple. The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed.

John sees four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K

JOHN

A Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?

John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.

N.I.C.K

(Robotic voice) Hey, clone! Drop the weapon!

JOHN

What did you say?

N.I.C.K

Stop what you’re doing and let them go and I won’t turn you to ash.

John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.

JOHN

You called me clone. What did you mean?

N.I.C.K

Because you are. Ask them.

The Nick unit points at the two hostages. They make eye contact and shake their heads.

ALLY

Just shoot him! That’s what you were designed for.

JOHN

You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.

N.I.C.K

I just need to get your head.

JOHN

Ha! My head…

John using his free hand touches his hair.

JOHN

Oh shit.

Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.

N.I.C.K

Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.

JOHN

Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.

The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.

N.I.C.K

Shit!

John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.

JOHN

Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot like she said.

N.I.C.K

Listen, John, your clone cognitive programing has been altered. It happens when you are this far out.

John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.

JOHN

I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.

NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.

N.I.C.K

Where do you think we are right now?

John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.

JOHN

Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,

He points to Ally and Mac.

JOHN

Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were pushed here, and this is why I have created this, my atomizer. It’ll purify the Earth.

He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.

N.I.C.K

No John they are human and you are a clone. A tool used to get the job done.

JOHN

Lies! Humanity will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!

The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside. Out steps a female Andromian, pulling a glowing knife from her sheath.

John turns around.

JOHN

Oh my! Well this is unexpected.

He raises his gun and points it at Ally. Nick raises her knife.

JOHN

Usurper, Killer! I will kill her!

N.I.C.K

Such slander, I’m no killer. Clone.

JOHN

(Flippantly) Then what would you call a race of shapeshifting, alien, slavers! Mac if you truly are human kill that thing.

They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons. Mac looks at Nick and makes his move. Nick is faster, she cuts off his hands sending him down to the floor in pain.

N.I.C.K

Stupid move.

JOHN

See, you are a killer.

N.I.C.K

He’ll live, just not well. Plus he was human. You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Humans invaded here 30 cycles ago and enslaved our people and used clones like you to terraform the planet and kill us.

JOHN

Lies!

N.I.C.K

Fine then. Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world. Prove me wrong.

John thinks for a moment, and gives in.

JOHN

Computer open shades.

The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.

N.I.C.K

You see not Earth. Your life was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology stolen from us. So put down your gun and lets find a solution to this without killing.

Realizing Nick is telling the truth, John laughs until he cries. He lowers the gun.

JOHN

Computer unlock Nick uint, and start, atomizer.

ALLY

You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug’s QE#2 Rewrite

Logline: 2525: A deranged John holds hostages while trying to start a machine to cleanse “Earth”, until a N.I.C.K. cyber suit shows up to thwart his plan revealing John’s true purpose.

Essence: Nick must use her wits to get John to not cause a planetary disaster.

INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY

The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.

The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.

ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.

JOHN (O.S.)

Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!

John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.

MAC

What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?

John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.

JOHN

You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!

ALLY

We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.

John shoves past her and heads to the holographic control console.

JOHN

No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!

A cyber mech suit crashes through the ceiling to the floor in the clean room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots at the glass shattering it everywhere. Three blasts from an arm cannon on the suit blow a hole in the wall and rip apart the tables. John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head.

The suit pulls up a cannon on it’s arm. John backs up to the holo panel.

ALLY

Take the shot! You can end this.

The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple. The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed.

John sees four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K

JOHN

A Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?

John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.

N.I.C.K

(Robotic voice) Hey, clone! Drop the weapon!

JOHN

What did you say?

N.I.C.K

Stop what you’re doing and let them go and I won’t turn you to ash.

John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.

JOHN

You called me clone. What did you mean?

N.I.C.K

Because you are. Ask them.

The Nick unit points at the two hostages. They make eye contact and shake their heads.

ALLY

Just shoot him! That’s what you were designed for.

JOHN

You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.

N.I.C.K

I just need to get your head.

JOHN

Ha! My head…

John using his free hand touches his hair.

JOHN

Oh shit.

Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.

N.I.C.K

Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.

JOHN

Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.

The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.

N.I.C.K

Shit!

John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.

JOHN

Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot like she said.

N.I.C.K

Listen, John, your clone cognitive programing has been altered. It happens when you are this far out.

John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.

JOHN

I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.

NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.

N.I.C.K

Where do you think we are right now?

John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.

JOHN

Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,

He points to Ally and Mac.

JOHN

Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were pushed here, and this is why I have created this, my atomizer. It’ll purify the Earth.

He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.

N.I.C.K

No John they are human and you are a clone. A tool used to get the job done.

JOHN

Lies! Humanity will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!

The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside. Out steps a female Andromian, pulling a glowing knife from her sheath.

John turns around.

JOHN

Oh my! Well this is unexpected.

He raises his gun and points it at Ally. Nick raises her knife.

JOHN

Usurper, Killer! I will kill her!

N.I.C.K

Such slander, I’m no killer. Clone.

JOHN

(Flippantly) Then what would you call a race of shapeshifting, alien, slavers! Mac if you truly are human kill that thing.

They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons. Mac looks at Nick and makes his move. Nick is faster, she cuts off his hands sending him down to the floor in pain.

N.I.C.K

Stupid move.

JOHN

See, you are a killer.

N.I.C.K

He’ll live, just not well. Plus he was human. You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Humans invaded here 30 cycles ago and enslaved our people and used clones like you to terraform the planet and kill us.

JOHN

Lies!

N.I.C.K

Fine then. Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world. Prove me wrong.

John thinks for a moment, and gives in.

JOHN

Computer open shades.

The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.

N.I.C.K

You see not Earth. Your life was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology stolen from us. So put down your gun and lets’ find a solution to this without killing.

Realizing Nick is telling the truth, John laughs until he cries. He lowers the gun.

JOHN

Computer unlock Nick uint, and start, atomizer.

ALLY

You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.

[Douglas Ryan]

QE Cycle #2 Scene

Logline: In the year 2525, John Mock, the survivor of an alien attack on humanity’s last base takes hostages and prepares weapon of mass destruction, but a N.I.C.K attempts to thwart his plan.

Essence: Not everyone and everything is what it seems in a war for domination of a species.

INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY

The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.

The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.

ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.

JOHN (O.S.)

Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!

John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.

MAC

What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?

John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.

JOHN

You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!

ALLY

What the hell are you jabbering about? We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.

JOHN

No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!

Pieces of the ceiling crash to the floor on the other side of the room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots in the direction of the crashing tiles and wires.

The shots bounce off the metallic cyber suit 10 feet away. Realizing this John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head. The suit pulls up a cannon on its arm.

John circles around a table with Ally, the cannon follows the movements carefully. He backs up to a holo panel.

ALLY

Take the shot! You can end this.

The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple.

JOHN

Un-un. Just who are you?

The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed, the hand points to the four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K

JOHN

Ah. So you are a Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman, or NICK for short. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?

John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.

N.I.C.K

(Robotic voice) Do you really know what you are doing?

JOHN

Say again?

N.I.C.K

Sure you have these lovely people here to keep me from turning you to ash, but do you actually know why you are doing what you are doing?

John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.

JOHN

You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.

N.I.C.K

I just need to get your head.

JOHN

Ha! My head…

John using his free hand touches his hair.

JOHN

Oh shit.

Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.

N.I.C.K

Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.

JOHN

Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.

The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.

N.I.C.K

Shit!

John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.

JOHN

Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot earlier like she said.

N.I.C.K

Listen, John, you’re suffering from a breakdown. It happens when you are this far out.

John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.

JOHN

I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, I know keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.

NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.

N.I.C.K

Where do you think we are right now?

John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.

JOHN

Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,

He points to Ally and Mac.

JOHN

Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were sent here to come up with collective ideas on how to purify the world, of their kind. That is why I have created this,

He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.

JOHN

We will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!

The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside.

ALLY

Oh my gods!

MAC

Oh no!

Out steps a female Andromian. She puts up her talon to her lips, “shhh.” She pulls a glowing knife from her side sheath. John turns around.

JOHN

Oh my! Well this is unexpected. So you are the killer! Who are you?

He raises his gun and she her knife.

N.I.C.K

You can call me Nick. I rather like that as you lack the squelch to pronounce my name.

JOHN

Ok Nick, or should I say killer of man.

They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons.

N.I.C.K

You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Your kind invaded here 30 years ago and we have been pushing you out ever since.

JOHN

Lies!

N.I.C.K

Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world.

MAC

Computer open shades.

The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.

N.I.C.K

You see John, you are a clone, developed by your fellow “humans” to serve them. Your life memories and everything else was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology your kind stole from my people and you have enslaved us for 30 years. It’s time you knew that. So put down your gun and we can find a solution to this without killing.

John laughs until he cries.

MAC

John, it’s true. You’re a clone, you were never supposed to know but something went wrong. If you start that device you will kill all of us not just these nasty creatures.

Nick kneels down next to Mac.

N.I.C.K

You killed my people, killed my mother for nothing.

With one swipe of her knife she decapitates him. Ally screams and John starts the device.

ALLY

You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.

[Douglas Ryan]

Rewrite of QE Cycle 1

INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – AFTERNOON – FEBUARY 28TH 1991

The Rest and Relaxation room is vast with many things to do. However the marines of Quebec 5-11 are having beers and watching C-Span to hear from President Bush.

Front and center is CPL TRENT MARCUS. He is passing out beers to everyone from a cooler at his feet. He sees CPL ROBERT RUST, enter the room, they make eye contact.

TRENT

(to himself) This fucking guy. (to the room) Compliments from me and sergeant Jones, who couldn’t be here himself.

The marines cheers Trent and sergeant Jones.

ROBERT

(To the room) I thought the sarge said no beer!?

His remark immediately met with boos. Trent takes a swig and shrugs, and tosses a beer to Robert. He catches it and opens it.

ROBERT

Just kidding! Ya’ll know me. Hey Duley, I heard your wife had a baby?

DULEY shakes his head and smiles.

ROBERT

Well that’s great I told everyone that she just made you an uncle.

They cheer “ROB” like “Norm” in “Cheers.” He chugs the beer, and lets out a large belch. They cheer, as Robert makes the rounds of getting hugged and high-fived.

TRENT

Get over here you shit bag short timer!

Trent looks at Robert’s untidy uniform. He passes Robert his beer.

TRENT

Seriously I don’t know how you made it out of Basic.

Trent takes a step back showing Robert his uniform. Robert shrugs and drinks.

ROBERT

I got two months left in man.

TRENT

See Rob. Immaculate! You, look like dog shit on good days. I mean just look at your hair.

Robert runs his free hand through his non regulation hair.

ROBERT

Yeah. It is luxurious.

Trent narrows his eyes at Robert..

TRENT

That ain’t gonna fly with the sarge.

ROBERT

Too bad he already said I could keep it until we get back to Stumps.

TRENT

Now that is some bull, and you know it. How much shit have you been talking this whole war man.

ROBERT

Wars’ over, and I’m counting the days.

Trent stares in disbelief.

TRENT

Alright thats enough of that shit, once a Marine always a Marine.

It’s getting louder as all conversations are turning into back slapping and boisterous laughter. Trent looks at the TV the president has come on.

Trent addresses the crowd.

TRENT

HEY! Quiet down you devil dogs!

The crowd howls and woofs. It annoys Trent.

ROBERT

Shut the fuck up!

They quiet down immediately which pisses Trent off. The president’s voice is heard. Every marine stands silent beer in hand almost at attention.

BUSH (V.O.)

Kuwait is liberated. Iraq’s army is defeated.

They all shout and spray beer everywhere. It looks like the locker room of a team that just won the World Series. Hugs are met with fives and special handshakes.

Trent looks around elated, PFC BODIE knocks into him spilling beer on his beer soaked boots. He grabs Bodie.

TRENT

What the hell Boot! You gotta clean all this up.

He shoves Bodie in the direction of a little kitchenette towards the back of the room.

ROBERT

That was over the top there bud.

TRENT

You haven’t seen over the top yet.

Trent messes up Roberts hair. This pisses him off.

ROBERT

Eat a dick.

Robert makes his way to Bodie in the kitchenette. Bodie is frantically looking for paper towels.

ROBERT

Hey kid. Paper towels are up there.

Robert points to a cupboard above Bodie’s head.

PFC BODIE

Thank’s Rob.

Bodie grabs the towels but before he takes off Robert puts his hand on Bodie’s chest stopping him from taking off.

ROBERT

Hey Bodie. Look man you don’t have to take so much shit from Trent. He’s not that high up.

PFC BODIE

He said he’ll pay me like fifty bucks if I help him out.

ROBERT

He said that? Wow. Well you know he’s pretty much broke and not to mention he weaseled out of watch like every time with the same promise.

Bodie looks on in awe, he has never seen Rob be so open about Trent before.

PFC BODIE

Wow! He did promise me some cash for taking his duty. But he also said you were not to be trusted. That you make stuff up.

ROBERT

He said that? Well now. Well young Bodie go ask him for what he owes you right now. I saw him pay Duley for something earlier. Plus he bought all that beer.

Bodie nods and heads over to Trent who is talking to Duley. Robert watches the scene play out. He can’t hear the words but smiles at the body language.

Trent throws his hands up annoyed as Bodie nervously and awkwardly asks something. Trent looks at the smiling Robert.

Trent flips Robert off and pulls Bodie in close whispers something. Trent pulls out a wad of cash and hands bodie a $50 bill.

Bodie nods excitedly and takes the cash before bolting out of the room. Trent and Robert smile slyly at one another.

Duley walks up to Robert.

DULEY

Hey Rob. Real funny about my wife earlier.

ROBERT

Just joshing man. No harm right?

Duley throws his hands up as in “no problem.”

DULEY

Hey man can I got some good gossip for ya. Lets go to your room and I’ll spill.

Robert nods and signals they are leaving.

ROBERT

Better be some good shit, not like last time. (To the room) And I’m OUT! PEACE!

The room erupts with cheers as Robert leaves with Duley. Trent watches them leave and smiles sinisterly.

INT. ROBERT’S BARRACKS ROOM – LATER

It’s dark in the room. Robert wakes in his rack, he is stunned, can’t see straight and can barely stand. His head throbs, he rubs his hand through his…

ROBERT

What the fuck? WHERE’S MY FUCKING HAIR!?

He turns on the light and looks in the mirror. It’s true his beautiful hair is gone. He looks at the floor, it’s all there. Rage fills him.

There is a knock at the door. Robert opens it. Trent is outside with a few marines from earlier, Duley and Bodie.

TRENT

I see Duley and Bodie shaved ya good.

Duley and Bodie look at the ground shamefully as Robert makes angry eye contact.

TRENT

Don’t blame them I paid for their services. You think you’re king shit around here, always talking shit. So I took your locks. HA!

Rage boils up inside Robert, he jumps on Trent pulling him into the room. The first swing connects with Trent’s temple and the second connects with his jaw.

Trent crumples to the floor unable to protect his stomach from the four kicks Robert lays into his ribs. Robert stops realizing what he has done.

ROBERT

Shit! I think I broke my hand.

Robert looks at the group. He’s thinking of a way out of this and smiles at Bodie slyly.

ROBERT

PFC Bodie, you saw! He threw the first punch.

Bodie looks on at Trent and then nods yes to Robert.

ROBERT

You all saw right?

FADE OUT.

[Douglas Ryan]

INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – AFTERNOON – FEBRUARY 28TH 1991

The Rest and Relaxation room is vast. It has a section for watching television with many arm chairs, there are many other games and fun things to pass the time.

However no one is using the amenities. All marines are glued to the TV watching C-Span waiting for an address from the president BUSH.

Front and center is CPL ROBERT RUST, and next to him his CPL TRENT MARCUS. Trent is passing out beers to everyone from a cooler at his feet.

TRENT

Compliments from me and sergeant Jones, who couldn’t be here himself.

The marines cheers Trent and sergeant Jones.

ROBERT

(To Trent) I thought the sarge said no beer.

Trent takes a swig and shrugs.

TRENT

Well what the fat fuck don’t know won’t hurt him, plus think of all the points he’ll get with these numb-nuts.

Trent looks at Robert’s uniform. He passes Robert his beer.

TRENT

Take this for a second.

He starts fixing Robert’s collar and pressing down the arms, checking for any abnormalities.

TRENT

Seriously I don’t know how you made it out of Basic.

He takes his beer and takes a step back showing Robert his uniform.

TRENT

See Rob. Immaculate! You look like dog shit on good days. I mean just look at your hair.

Robert runs his free hand through his non regulation hair.

ROBERT

Yeah. It is luxurious. I’m gonna keep it.

Trent narrows his eyes at Robert..

TRENT

That ain’t gonna fly with the sarge.

ROBERT

Too bad he already said I could keep it until we get back to Stumps.

Surprised Trent does a spit take, getting beer on his uniform.

TRENT

God dammit! I don’t believe you! You got beer on my uniform.

Robert looks on unflinching.

ROBERT

I remember my first beer too. Relax your throat and let the cool liquid slide down. Just like when you..

TRENT

Alright thats enough of that shit.

It’s getting louder as the all conversations are turning into back slapping and boisterous laughter. Trent looks at the TV the president has come on.

Trent addresses the crowd.

TRENT

HEY! Quiet down you devil dogs!

The crowd howls and woofs. It annoys Trent.

TRENT

Shut the fuck up!

They shush and quiet down and listen to the TV. The president’s voice is heard. Every marine stands silent beer in hand almost at attention.

BUSH (V.O.)

Kuwait is liberated. Iraq’s army is defeated.

They all shout and spray beer everywhere. It looks like the locker room of a team that just won the World Series. Hugs are met with fives and special handshakes.

Trent looks around elated, PFC Bodie knocks into him spilling beer on his boots. He grabs the PFC.

TRENT

What the hell Boot! You better go get something to wipe that up with.

He shoves Bodie in the direction of a little kitchenette that has a sink, coffee makers and some snacks.

ROBERT

What was that for? He’s just a kid.

TRENT

Well he better learn that I’m top dog and he’ll do what I say.

ROBERT

Why because of who your daddy is?

Trent looks at him sideways and shakes his head.

TRENT

Well if you’re so keen on having him be part of the platoon you take him under your wing pretty boy.

Trent messes up Roberts hair. This pisses him off.

ROBERT

Eat a dick.

Robert makes his way to Bodie in the kitchenette. Bodie is frantically looking for paper towels.

ROBERT

Hey kid. Paper towels are up there.

Robert points to a cupboard above Bodie’s head.

PFC BODIE

Thank’s Rob.

Bodie grabs the towels but before he takes off Robert puts his hand on Bodie’s chest stopping him from taking off.

ROBERT

Look Bodie, how would you like to get back at that prick.

PFC BODIE

Aren’t you guys like super buds.

ROBERT

Yeah but he’s been waining on me this whole war. You know he had the best shit spots in the field and would never let us know where. I was almost scorpion food a few times.

Bodie looks on in awe, he has never seen Rob be so open about Trent before.

PFC BODIE

Wow. So how..

ROBERT

Never mind. It’s not important, just get him those towels and ask him to spot you some cash.

Bodie nods and heads over to Trent. Robert watches the scene play out. He can’t hear the words but smiles at the body language.

Trent throws his hands up annoyed. Bodie cleans the boot, and pops up. He nervously and awkwardly asks something. Trent blows up causing a scene, then looks at the smiling Robert.

Trent mouths the words “you’re fucking dead.” Trent pulls Bodie in close says something and pulls out a wad of cash. He hands bodie a $50 bill.

Bodie nods excitedly and takes the cash before bolting out of the room. Trent and Robert smile sinisterly at one another.

INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – LATER

Robert reclines in a chair passed out. Trent opens the cooler all the beers are gone. He looks at Robert and then at his watch. There are only two other Marines in there.

TRENT

Where is that little shit.

Rushing into the room with hair clippers is PFC Bodie. He hands them to Trent, who inspects them.

PFC BODIE

Did I do good?

TRENT

Excellent. Go plug em in.

Bodie plugs in the clippers and goes to hand them to Trent.

TRENT

Hell no. Why do you think I gave you the fifty bucks. You do it.

Bodie sighs, Trent nods at the other two Marines. They stand, one heads to the doorway and keeps watch, the other holds down Robert.

ROBERT

(grogy) What’s going on?

The clippers come on and Bodie starts shaving Roberts head. Robert struggles yelling. Bodie Stops and cries. They all look at him. Trent stands up.

TRENT

Well if you’re gonna be a baby about it.

He takes the clippers and kicks Bodie away.

ROBERT

Fuck you!

TRENT

Say bye to them pretty locks punk.

Trent keeps shaving as Robert struggles.

TRENT

Hey! If you keep it up it won’t be even dumb ass!

Robert spits in Trent’s face. Trent continues until the job is done. He turns off the clippers and hands them to Bodie.

TRENT

Take them back to where you got em. (to the other) you can let him up.

He lets go of Robert and put his hands in the air.

MARINE 1

Look man he paid me sixty bucks.

ROBERT

Fuck you too.

The marine walks to his buddy at the door.

MARINE 1

Lets bounce man.

They leave but Bodie stays.

ROBERT

You’re so fucking dead.

Trent laughs, and spits on Robert.

TRENT

Fuck you, you walk around here all the time acting like you shy but I know what you said Bodie. I know you told him something. So I took your locks. HA!

Rage boils up inside Robert, he jumps up so fast that Trent has no time to react. The first swing connects with Trent’s temple and the second connects with his jaw.

Trent crumples to the floor unable to protect his stomach from the four kicks Robert lays into his ribs. Robert stops realizing what he has done.

ROBERT

Shit!

Robert looks at Bodie and scowls. He’s thinking of a way out of this and smiles at Bodie slyly.

ROBERT

PFC Bodie, let me tell you what happened here, and you just might make rank after this.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan: Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is making sure every scene should have interest that could supply story and character development. Even if the stakes in the scene are not that high, you can showcase these interest elements for a twist coming later in the story.

Logline: As Albert Fletcher watches, from ultimate safety, the impeding hurricane, his wife (Darcy) reminds him of their priorities.

INT. FLETCHER CONDO – CONTINUOUS

Led Zeppelin’s “No Quarter” plays, the only lights are that of neon LED lights for smart devices. The Fletchers are standing at the windows watching. THUNDER!

Lightning crackles in the distance. We can see the hurricane destruction happening in real time. There is a boat anchored near the private beach.

DARCY FLETCHER

(Points to the boat) Who do you think that is?

ALBERT FLETCHER

Could be Conrad Ryan. He said he was heading to the Virgins.

They nod in eerie unison. Albert points to Darius, Juan and Vito, driving by in the golf cart. The wind is so strong it almost knocks the cart over.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Think they’ll make it to his room?

Her look, even in the dark, speaks of her indifference.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Gotcha.

He sips his slime smoothie, and motions for his wife to finish hers. She leans in close to his ear.

DARCY FLETCHER

(Softly) Honey, you remember that article that we read about the radioactivity in bananas?

She nuzzles his neck sensually. He likes this.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Yes dear.

DARCY FLETCHER

(Sensual) You know that fruit is just pure sugar and sugar is poison to our pure vessels right?

She kisses his neck and sucks his ear. He’s loving this! It could be sex night. But it’s not Thursday. She’s being Naughty.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Oh! Yes, dear. Mmm! Total poison.

He moans as she kisses his neck and begins to rub him all over. Lightning flashes violently in the sky.

DARCY FLETCHER

(Sweetly) And those bananas can cause cancer, (Sensually) you know that you read that. I sent you the article and we said…

Her hand moves up to his hair and pulls his head back, and shoves the shit drink into his stomach. He grabs the glass and groans in pain.

DARCY FLETCHER

(Silent and angry) No fucking bananas. If I see another banana in this house I’ll slit you from ass to elbow with that knife over there.

She points his head to a small paring knife on the counter.

DARCY FLETCHER

Got me!?

Her grip is too tight for him to nod, so she nods for him. She tussles his hair. He is frightened and aroused at the same time.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Will do honey.

She lets him go.

DARCY FLETCHER

Good! Clean up and close the shudders.

He looks at the spilled liquid on his clothes and floor. He puts the drink down and grabs a towel.

DARCY FLETCHER (O.S.)

Shudders first.

He frowns and does as he is told, pressing a button on the wall for the shudders. He uses the towel to blot the floor and his shirt.

He watches as Darius et al Pull up to his room.

ALBERT FLETCHER

(To himself) They made it? Another time then.

DARCY FLETCHER (O.S.)

(Loudly) Hurry up! I want to have sex before the markets open.

He perks up and fixes his hair in the reflection as the shudders lock into place.

ALBERT FLETCHER

Coming dear.

Thunder booms!

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan Profiles People

“What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is some people never change and you can use that in writing really interesting characters. You can take those traits and make a character expand and eventually resolve issues using those traits, rather than the real life person that will most likely stay the same and not have any resolve to change themselves.

Person 1:

Intelligent

Caring

Meticulous

Integral

In talking with this person all the traits came out sporadically but organically. By the end of the conversation they figured out what I had been doing and proved that they truly are intelligent, maybe too intelligent.

Person 2:

Talkative

Pedantic

Narcissistic

Unstable

In talking with this person they were unable to stop talking about themselves and kept shifting the conversation back to something that they did either recently or decades ago. It was impossible to tell if the person’s anecdotes were true or not. When I pointed out there were holes in the stories the person became defensive and doubled down on their lies. It was really annoying.

Person 3:

Lethargic

Naive

Resolute

Loyal

In talking with this person I found that their naivety helped them with learning and made them more resolute in their quest for knowledge. We ended the conversation better than has been before and they were no longer lethargic. They actually became more focused on family and continuing education.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Puts Essence to Work.

What I learned is finding essence in characters can enhance the scene, and changes the scene in dramatic ways and can add subtly that I never saw before.

Script I choose: “Iguana Sunrise” By Douglas Ryan

Scene 1 Location: Near the end of Act 1-

Int: Fletcher Condo

Logline: The Fletchers have invited over Don and Felix to their apartment, mainly to lord their wealth and power inside the compound community.

Essence I’ve discovered: Is Darcy Fletcher is a powerful determined woman but wants more, and to live forever. She should be more scary.

New Logline: Darcy Fletcher explains that she will never be satisfied with the mediocre and mundane and will not rule out killing to get what she is owed.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1 Int: Darius’s Apartment

Logline: Escaping the hurricane Darius, Vito and Juan hold up in Darius’s house and get dry.

Essence I’ve discovered: This is a scene where we see the divide between the rich tenants of the compound and the people who work there.

New Logline: After making sure everyone else is safe Darius makes sure his friends are in a safe place to ride out the massive hurricane. We get an inside look at his life before coming to the compound.

Scene 3 Location: Start of Act 2 Int: Fletcher Condo

Logline: Darcy and Albert start their day in safety while the rest of the island is in disarray, as well as the compound.

Essence I’ve discovered: I found that I need to cut short some dialogue and get to the heart of the scene. The essence really is the uncaring way in which both of them treat the outside world. Inside the compound they are God and infallible. Others should act accordingly.

New Logline: As Albert shows disdain for the workers of the compound Darcy belittles his efforts to please her and finds that there is something to this highlife.

Scene 4 Location: Act 2 Ext: Gus Gatorman’s House

Logline: Gus is surprised by his ex-wife showing up at his door, letting him know there is an HOA meeting in a few minutes. Neither is happy about it.

Essence I’ve discovered: For as flawed as Gus is he has a soft spot for the women in his life, but none for lizards. The subtlety of the amount of iguanas on the lawn is a growing fear.

New Logline: Lindsay tells Gus about the HOA meeting, she notices there are more iguanas than ever before on his lawn. Gus believes this is because he shot one last night.

Scene 5 Location: End of Act 2 Ext Compound Gate

Logline: Darius and Darcy go to Shimmy at the front gate and negotiate the price of the necessities for the compound.

Essence I’ve discovered: Darcy is there to make both men feel inadequate and assert her dominance once again. She subtly sets up a mystery for Darius to solve. Shimmy truly tries to show he is “not that kind” of criminal and could be redeemable.

New Logline: Darcy acquires supplies at a better rate than Darius could, making a hefty deal with Shimmy. When Darcy asks for something more Shimmy refuses, and shows he might be able to be trusted by Darius.

[Douglas Ryan]

1. Douglas Ryan

2. 4 full length features, 3 shorts, selected scenes and treatment based on a directors idea. I am currently writing 3 scripts simultaneously (one is a rewrite and another is going to be a series), (it’s insane) and have a treatment for an idea that my oldest daughter came up with. I have other treatments that have not been moved into the writing phase. Plus my middle daughter and I are working on a possible graphic novel about her imaginary world she created. And I am researching for a doc I’m trying to make about the sinking of the Coast Guard cutter Blackthorn in St. Petersburg, FL.

3. More ways to make my writing and myself bankable to producers, managers and agents.

4. I think there is more to horror films than most people and major studios think. Jordan Peele proved that with “Get Out” and indie favorite Don Coscarelli has been doing it for decades and pretty much shunned by major studios. Proving that you don’t need a boogey man to kill horny teens is what horror is turning to now. Funny thing is I write more comedy than horror. Trying to find time write is hard with three daughters all vying for your attention ALL DAY LONG! LOL. Side Note: if you go to my profile the picture of the skateboarder blasting that frontside ollie on that overpass is not me, it’s Matt Hensley, retired pro and founding member and accordionist for Flogging Molly.

Nice to meet you all.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan Finds the Essence

What I learned is that if you can get that Essence to an early scene you can set the tone and essence for the entire script, regardless of which character is giving the essence in a scene.

Script I choose: The Thing (1982) second draft by Bill Lancaster

Scene 1 Location: Beginning Act 1
Logline: MacReady plays a game of chess against a computer while hiding out in his shack.

Essence: MacReady thinks he has the upper hand on the game but finds out he actually made the mistake, not the computer. Instead of giving in gracefully he pours his drink into the circuitry killing the machine and any chance of a rematch.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: MacReady and Dr. Cooper fly to the Norwegian outpost.

Essence: MacReady and Dr. Cooper explore the grotesque scene that has unfolded at this compound. There could be more to why the Norwegians were shooting at them.

Scene 3 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: The rescued dog that the Norwegians were trying to kill wanders the research facility.

Essence: The dog goes from room to room searching for something. It stops at a room and enters, we do not know who is in the room, but they are alone and the door shuts violently.

Scene 4 Location: Middle of Act 2
Logline: MacReady holds the others hostage to prove a theory.

Essence: MacReady collects blood from the remaining men and himself in petrie dishes. He heats a metal chord and shows that he is not alien. He explains that this is how they can tell who is human.

Scene 5 Location: Final Scene
Logline: MacReady blows up The Thing and the camp, when Childs shows up frostbitten and exhausted.

Essence: Childs makes mentions of survival but MacReady pulls out a chess set and says that they shouldn’t call for help, as there is no reason to survive. Plus he says they are in no shape to fight if they are human or not.

My selection for most profound essence:

EXT. U.S. OUTPOST #31

Norris, bundled in his sixty-five pounds of clothing, exits

the main compound. He walks the prefab wooden planks up the

precipice; his destination is someone a hundred yards up the

slope — to a shack. He grabs onto the steadying ropes and

pulls himself against the wind and blowing sleet.

INT. MACREADY’S SHACK – CLOSE ON ICE CUBES

being dumped into a glass, followed by the pouring of whiskey.

An electronic Voice is heard.

VOICE

Bishop to knight four.

MacReady takes a sip of his drink; makes his way over to his

electronic chess game. A large Mexican sombrero hangs on his

back. He is tall; about thirty-five. His shack is sparse but

unkempt. A few centerfolds on the wall are interspersed by

an occasional poster of some Mediterranean or South American

paradise.

The chess game is of larger than normal size. The pieces

move automatically with the press of a button. He sits down

and chuckles over his opponent’s bad move.

MACREADY

Poor little son of a bitch. You’re

starting to lose it, aren’t you?

He confidently taps out his move. His companion’s response

is immediate.

VOICE

Pawn takes queen at knight four.

MacReady’s grin slowly fades as he examines the board. There

is a pounding at his door. MacReady broods for a bit, heedless

of his visitor and makes his next move.

VOICE

Rook to knight six. Check.

More impatient pounding. MacReady glares at his opponent for

a beat. He bends forward, opens up a flap containing the

chess game’s circuitry and pours in his drink. There ensues

a snapping, popping sound as smoke and sparks rise from the

machine; followed by a flush of chess gibberish.

MacReady gets up from his seat, mumbling on his way to the

door.

MACREADY

…Cheating bastard…

He opens the door. Norris steps in followed by a flurry of

snow and wind.

NORRIS

You jerking off or just pissed?

MACREADY

We got any more of those electronic

chess things down in supply?

NORRIS

Get your gear on.

MACREADY

What for?

The reason why this is the essence of the scene is because when MacReady thinks he’s beaten the odds, he hasn’t, and by pouring the drink into the computer its a lose-lose situation. It’s highlighted in the ending as MacReady blows up the compound thinking he won, but realizing he’s lost because Childs could easily be The Thing. Just like he pours the drink into the chess computer, if he can’t win no-one wins.

[Douglas Ryan]

Douglas Ryan

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi John! Yeah my first script was about 3 cooks serving in the USCG in Miami during a lockdown due to protests. (Actually happened to me) I’m currently rewriting it with the backdrop of the end of “don’t ask don’t tell” era. I’m actually in MD, but I grew up in SoCal, hence my Dodgers hat, been a fan since 88′ when I went to my first game (before they won the WS) so not a fair weather fan. LOL.

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Hope,

As a retired chef, I liked this. In cooking or baking it’s really annoying when someone messes you up in the kitchen. I like that there was a cutoff with what I’m guessing is the word nightmare or night terrors. This seems like a scene from a broader film that could be a horror. Carley’s traits didn’t come out that clearly, I didn’t see her politeness or caring. It seems like you changed her traits? Marcus’s traits came out except his strategic trait which hurts his subtext. I still liked reading this scene, it was fun! I could see the scene and after all isn’t that what we are here to do.

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Carol,

Really fun and quick read! Although the ending is a bit of a mystery for me, it seemed out of place and just kind of thrown in, I do think that you had something going where they would kiss though. Marcus’s traits came out except the apologetic trait. I really didn’t see that come out. Carley’s traits were there, and her subtext came out as well. She was a well rounded character. I felt she was a great character and I could see Emma Stone, or Bryce Howard as her in a film version. Great job!

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Rebecca,

Great work! Top notch dialogue. Did you watch some Q.T. or Aaron Sorkin over the past week? LOL. I thought the ending was great, even though I got lost a bit in the middle of the scene, the ending really glued it together. Like others I liked the setting as well, I felt there wasn’t intrigue until she started talking about herself. Now critically id didn’t see Marcus’s subtext, I felt that getting her to spill the beans was a set up but having her lose to him seemed forced. Other than that great work and good read!

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Don,

Great Read! I love the back and forth with the name. It’s a reality that I see in my home with my wife. So adding that running joke is fantastic. It was and interesting choice to make him so apologetic that it takes him over. His wanting to get a fake ID is good showing his imaginative trait. All of her traits came out. It could have more awkwardness if you had him invite the officials in and they had their back and forth with them in the room. Great job! Thanks!

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Janeen,

Good setup and I got the Pious do-gooder trait. That came through. I didn’t get the sense of the paranoia though. All in all good scene can’t wait to see what you do next with it.

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Rebecca,

Wow! Just a great scene there was intrigue, suspense etc. I loved how you brought their traits out in actions and dialogue without using the actual trait as dialogue. So much fun to read and a very vivd scene!

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Don,

Really good scene. I like that all the traits come out not only subtly but naturally. The scene flows. I do think it could use a few more interest techniques to punch it up. Great scene.

[Douglas Ryan]

Sandra,

Great scene. I liked the twist at the end, it really sells the fact that Nancy was in fact working against Squire the whole time. His traits did not really come out though until Izzy said them. My suggestion would be to have him make a pass at Nancy to show the smooth trait. Good work!

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Carolyn,

You’re doing great don’t get yourself down. Right out the gate you hit us with an interesting setting, suspense and superior position in the QE techniques. The fact they are sitting in an ice cream parlor with high stakes and then when you think he’s got a gun, it’s a grenade! Talk about bringing a knife to a gunfight type of scenario. John’s traits come out within those first lines, doesn’t trust cops, daring by pulling the pin in a crowded place, loner when he says his mom didn’t want him to be alone, and loyalty by doing his mom’s dying wish. So right there you got off to a great start. So no need to have him say “I’m loyal that way” it’s overkill. With Nick you can see him conniving with keeping the gun hidden from John, and he is confident enough to show both hands. Then he starts to talk John down in a way, until he sees Hank and then Nick’s subtext is in full form. Nick’s rebellious trait comes when he threatens John’s family. The only trait I didn’t find was giving except for the line where he asks if he can get John another ice cream. Big twists and turns at the end. You nailed the cat and mouse essence. I can’t wait to read more of your scenes.

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Monica,

John’s traits really come out, especially the loyalty trait when he says “that’s why i keep coming back to you.” It’s a perfect example how to get the trait across without using the word loyal, it’s subtle subtext that reveals this trait. Great job! Then you have Nick conniving him into a situation of paying more for the “cargo.” It’s classic subtext of his character and it works in beautifully. However when John say’s conniving at the end it seems unnatural, take out the conniving in the line and it’s a pretty good line. John’s distrustfulness is on display in the end. You hit many of the interest techniques, especially intrigue. I really want to know what happens next. It almost feels like in John’s double cross is leading to a larger story with the two going head to head. Great job!

Thanks

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Hope,

Great scene, reminds me of the ending of “The Fugitive.” Very effective with maximum interest techniques. John’s character traits came through but Nick’s did not. I also had trouble finding the ‘giving’ trait, however I disagree with Rebecca, respectfully, I did find Nick to be rebellious, it was his the way he carried himself, smug and un-shamefully narcissistic. I love the new ending with the recording pendant. The cat and mouse essence wasn’t really there until the conversation between John and Nicholas really got heated. Have you tried playing with John being in the room the whole time, shadily in the back and Nick sees him making him nervous. Like at a table where he says some things to others implying Nicholas is suspect in his fathers death. Those are a couple of examples I can think of to bring up the quality of the scene. You could also add that his pendant is a wireless mic tapped into the PA system so everyone hears Nick’s confession except Nick. Regardless it’s a really good read and eyebrow raising in the end.

Thanks

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Don,

Interesting and thrilling read. There is much to unpack. Johns traits come out in his distrust of his “friend” and by being in the middle of nowhere you give us the loner trait. I just don’t understand why Nick has to affirm in dialogue what you have already stated in subtext. I felt it was overkill. Also it seems as though John is not at all surprised by Nick’s interruption, like he was expecting it. Also it seems that Nick was not prepared at all for his assignment, usually in situations like these there is a briefing and you would know the demands of the terrorist. However Nick’s conniving, confident and rebellious traits came out. Was the giving trait when Nick gives him an out? The twist with the general at the end was good, and looks like it could set up another conflict with Nick, if this was not the end of the story. You hit the essence of cat and mouse well and the setting was a great set up for John’s traits. Thanks for the fun read!

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Rebecca,

My goodness another great period piece! I get the feeling of actually being there. Nick’s traits really come through, John’s traits came through as well. I do feel the loner trait came out in the end with the line “even your mafia friends won’t be able to help you.” That implies Big John is outside the law and outside other criminal organizations, that is so subtle that I almost didn’t pick up on it until the second read. Very suspenseful and wrought with imagery. The only thing i felt didn’t work for me and pulled me out of the story was the bit about the “coin.” I only have two solutions for fixing that, 1: get rid of it as the rest works great without the lines. 2: work it more into the story with the coin being a beacon or symbol that allows John to know Nick is full of it. Wonderful read and you hit so many interest techniques! Thanks!

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Kathleen,

Wow! A lot to unpack in this scene. So much suspense, and twists. I like that Nick’s, confidence giving and conniving traits are shown. However the rebellious trait comes out only after he commits to his escape. John was daring to go into the ward by being distrustful of the establishment, however he showed no distrust of Nick, even after he lied about his name. Nick’s subtext didn’t really come though for me, and John’s subtext was not fully explored. I got lost at the end with who was talking as there wasn’t a character header for some of the dialogue. You did hit so many of the interest techniques and the essence came through slightly. I did not get that John was talked into letting his guard down. Try adding some more intense dialogue with the main two, it seemed that everything happened a little too fast and was a bit confusing. Drag out the dialogue and it should make it less confusing and even more suspenseful. Good job all around though, I can’t wait to see how this comes full circle.

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Hi Janeen,

Really fun scene to read. I like that you took a different approach to the cat and mouse theme by making them brothers trying to get favor with their mother. It leaves something unsaid about their mother. I did not get a sense of the interest techniques though. However I did see the character traits come through in a subtle way, which I thought was cool and what made the scene work. I felt the first time around that there was more confrontation in the scene that didn’t come out in this rewrite. Regardless I liked both scenes. If you want you could remove the action at the top of the page describing that they live at his mom’s with their kids and put it into dialogue maybe having Nick offer up money for a deposit of some sort. Just a thought. Really good scene!

Best

Doug

[Douglas Ryan]

Thanks Rebecca! That is a great idea on the boots, and having Robert do some room working, followed by Trent. I’ll see if I can flush out some of your ideas. Thanks again!

[Douglas Ryan]

I like the expansion of the dialogue, giving Robert trait of gossip. I didn’t get the feeling that Trent was faking being rich (maybe I missed something?) regardless the ending went really dark and before that I could feel so many things. For some reason I could feel the anticipation of sex and the longing for some companionship, and then Trent turned it up to 11. This scene had me thinking of quite a few things and movies. The two that come out to me are “Cruising” and “Hellraiser.” Both were heavily steeped in bondage and the pleasure of pain. WOW!

You let the audience know that this was either a leather bar, or it was leather night which gets the mind going to where you went in the end. The twist in the end was great, and really brought home the cat and mouse game that was going on.

Trent however I did not feel came off as needy, he was aggressive and in control but, like I said above he didn’t seem to be faking being rich. Robert wasn’t gregarious, and having him smile gregariously seems forced. An idea could be Robert isn’t late but is in the club the whole time talking to the patrons, and then makes his way to Trent when Sam points him out in the crowd. Thats one way you could do it. Still it’s a really solid scene. Thanks!

[Douglas Ryan]

By putting some context with the year and the car was choice. It made the scene more intriguing. I could feel Trent’s neediness for the information, and validation for his faux expensive lifestyle. Robert’s tone was more belligerent than gregarious, it didn’t seem like he was expecting shines from the other patrons. One thing that pulled me out of the scene was the locals going outside. I feel if the locals stayed in the bar and kept getting closer and closer to their conversation it would add even more danger and a sense of creepiness. I think the scene has the feel of some kind of doom coming to Robert, and it seems like at the right moment Trent starts to really feign interest in Robert. It’s still a big twist when he gets in the Ford in the end. Nice! Really fun read. Thank you!

[Douglas Ryan]

This version was way funnier. I’m still giggling. I think you hit many of the criteria. I love that there was some foreboding with the bubbles. You have Trent blowing bubbles in the opening and then Robert’s last thing is blowing bubbles. Although there was comedy, it did not overshadow and the undercurrent of fear that Robert has was felt by me. He seemed very fidgety and not in a “beaver” way.

I can agree with Elle that I didn’t notice a neediness with Trent, he felt more passive aggressive. I also don’t feel that Robert’s gregariousness came out. It was stated that he spoke to all the other animals but in the scene he’s only talking to Trent. He could try talking to one or two other animals and ignoring Trents questions about the rumors. Thank you for the fun read! I’m still smiling.