Chris WIllis
Forum Replies Created
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Chris’s perfect word smithing.
Okay, I did the chronological edit. Felt pretty satisfied with the outcome.
Then, thinking I’d find a missed period or two, I started from the back and worked forward. Good news, all the periods are in place. The other news, the reverse edit changed the wording on 51 of the 104 pages, including the few from the chronological edit. Is that a light at the end of this tunnel?
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Chris’s improved descriptions.
Made a pass through the script trimming the description. Thought I had eliminated at least a page and a half. But then I added to the scene where Moses fights with Lee Harvey Oswald. It needed more of a thematic punch and a better connection to the rest of the script. Added a page and a half. So I broke even. But now with “pithy” descriptions.
I also queried Screenwriting U and the Screenwriting Facebook page about the use of apostrophes to make names possessive. Through 104 pages I had been writing Moses’. Not incorrect, but consensus seems to be see Moses’s is the form preferred by proofreaders. So dozens of changes. Thankful for the find/replace feature.
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Chris’s key scene improvements.
I did the most work for this assignment on my final scene. Previously it was 99 year old Polly explaining the tragedy of what-might-have-been to her family at the lynching memorial. Think old lady Rose at the end of Titanic or old man Private Ryan at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Some of my best dialogue. But it was all dialogue, delivered by a 99 year old woman in a wheelchair.
To make the scene more dynamic I made Polly’s monologue a voice over reprised scenes from the script. Scenes that exemplified the points she was making. Until we come back to her at the memorial where she concludes: “The killing of all these souls is truly a shameful cataclysm. But the deeper tragedy is the loss of all that might have been.” Then she fulfills the promise of the title, and says his name.
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Not sure why this is a reply to Lora and not Cheryl.
Chris’s Character Intros/Exits
What I learned…I learned that character intros don’t need to be tied to a show-don’t-tell rule.
Character: Moses Kincaid (1967)
Old intro: Moses’ Chevy avoids a race with a white Ford.
New Intro: (action shows primary traits)
The Chevy pulls even with the Ford. The driver’s window slides down. Behind the wheel, Moses Kincaid (now 46, salt and pepper dreadlocks, kufi hat, voodoo beads). A man who knows who he is. A man who embraces the power of his blackness. Knows when to give it the gas. Knows when to pump the brakes. He eyeballs the white Mustang.
The GO light a moment away.
The two Detroit power mills THUNDER.
GREEN!
Smoke screeches from the rear tires of the Mustang. It launches through the intersection. Doesn’t see the police cruiser next to a used furniture store.
The turn signal on the Chevy flashes. Moses turns right.
Lights and sirens chase after the Mustang.
EXIT: After preventing Lee Harvey Oswald from assassinating President Kennedy… Moses charges across the Depository floor to the open elevator. Up the step ladder. Stashes Oswald’s rifle above the car. Latches the ceiling hatch. Folds the ladder. A deep breath. The elevator door closes.
Character: Young Moses (1935)
Intro: (Other characters reaction to character)
Known to all as “Shine,” Young MOSES (14, hard at work, a wild crown of bushy hair) hunches in front of two white men. BAXTER BRAGG (40s, gentleman rancher) and BOSS WALLACE (50s, successful businessman, local big shot). Boss pages through a newspaper. A cud of chewing tobacco tucked in his cheek.
Moses applies polish to distinctive cowboy boots. Brown alligator with an embossed Texas flag on the upper for Bragg. Black ostrich with silver toe tips and heel guards for Boss. No one in MeLennan county gives a better shine.
Boss leans around his paper. Spits into the street. The cheek full of brown sputum grazes Moses’ pant leg.
EXIT: Moses exits with a powerful inspired monologue.
MOSES
“I am not a rapist! I am not an inferior human being. I am the same as any of you. What you say about me, what you believe, what you do to me today is about your own bigotry, your inhumanity, your fear. You can hide behind your hoods and robes. You can hide in the namelessness of the mob. I know who you are. And I know who I am! My name is…”At this point Young Moses is lynched.
Character: POLLY at age 99 – At the Lynching Memorial
Intro: Tethered to her wheelchair by an oxygen cannula, POLLY (99, matriarch, alert blue eyes, her face deeply creased with the wisdom of a long life) quietly leads her family along a paved pathway. Tight lipped. Her mind linked to another time.
EXIT: (dialogue that represents who she is – and the high concept of the entire story)
A sampling: Also at the Lynching Memorial.
POLLY
“What world calamity might have been prevented if someone in this hall had not been murdered? The killing of all these souls is truly a shameful cataclysm. But the deeper tragedy is the loss of what might have been.”
Kayla looks up at the steel block above them.
KAYLA
“They actually list someone as unknown. Six-nineteen-thirty-five.”
DAVID
“That’s messed up.”
POLLY
“His name was Moses Kincaid,
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Chris’s Unique Character Dialogue
What I learned… At this stage I have already aligned most of the dialogue with the character profiles. This pass through the script showed me how changing parenthetical (e.g., (weeps) to (challenges) can change the tone of the scene, without changing the dialogue.
I did change the dialogue in the scene where Moses speaks to the statues in a Civil War memorial. It was too passive. Did not fit Moses’ profile. It is stronger now.
(I left out the action and description that would break up the dialogue.)
ORIGINAL
MOSES
Mind if I join you boys (the statues) for lunch? Boy history sure is a tricky thing, ain’t it General? Your shit sure didn’t turn out the way you planned, did it?
Your daughters tried to memorialize your lost cause thirty years after General Lee over there surrendered. They invented a history that never was. Like there was some honor in what you did. Overlooking why you did it.
GROUNDS KEEPER
Y’all can’t eat there. It ain’t no damn colored picnic ground.
REWRITTEN
MOSES
Mind if I join you boys for lunch?
Boy your shit sure didn’t turn out the way you planned, did it General?
(Irritated)
Your daughters tried to memorialize your lost cause thirty years after General Lee over there surrendered.
(Rising anger)
What the fuck were those bitches thinking? Inventing a history that never was. Like there was some honor in what you did. Forget about why you did it.
Wouldn’t it just twist your undies all up in a bunch to see a black man like me thriving in your white word? That’s right, you racist piece of shit. I got a good job. Own my own home.
That’s right. That’s right. Oh, and I got a great wife too. A fine lookin white woman. And a beautiful child.
They hoodwinked you Johnny Reb. It’s why none of them can face you. I am a free man. Happy to be alive. Living my life in peace. Free to do whatever the fuck I like!
GROUNDS KEEPER
Hey1 Y’all can’t eat there. It ain’t no damn colored picnic ground.
MOSES
(Submissive)
Yes, suh. Sorry, suh.
(The change in tone at the end is intentional, and goes to the personality dynamics described in Moses’ character profile).
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Chris’s Meaningful Action
What I learned from this assignment… I learned that meaningful action can be a subtext precursor of ideas expressed in dialogue.
Breakfast Scene 1963.
Meaning of scene: Moses’ expresses the opinion that his biracial daughter Bess will have a better chance in her audition if she passes for white.
The action in the scene was originally written as Moses and Polly having breakfast and making lunches. While there was some meaning in the reflection of the routine of their lives, it needed something to punch up the scene. So, I added Moses using a butter knife to tinker with a toaster, while he drinks his coffee. He believes he fixes it, announces to Polly, “good as new.” Polly drops in two slices of Wonder bread. As the dialogue proceeds, smoke begins to pour out of the toaster. The Wonder bread is blackened (there’s meaning here too). Meaning: Maybe Moses shouldn’t be so sure of himself. About the toaster. About Bess passing for white.
I also learned that a lack of action in a scene can also be meaningful.
Restaurant scene, 1963.
Meaning of scene: White people can be completely unaware of racism.
Bess, who is still passing for white from her audition, waits with her mother in the lobby of a segregated restaurant. A young black man is refused service because the restaurant “does not serve negroes.” He refuses to leave. The manager calls the police. Four police officers carry the young man out of the restaurant. Bess barely looks up.
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Chris’s elevated scene structures.
What I learned… I reworked the scene below when we were dealing with character profiles. Going through the script focusing on scene structure prompted a number of changes (mostly minor) that elevated the scenes, but did not change the scene formal per se. Still the different options for scene structure were very useful.
The first version of the scene below had Moses as a victim, too passive, no choices, a victim of circumstances. In the final version, Moses has choices, none good, but choses the one best for him.
INT. TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY – DAY
SUPER: “1963”
Oswald holds his rifle on Moses.
MOSES
(surprised)
Whoa, now. What’s this, cap’n?
Oswald backs Moses against the wall. Glances out the window. Almost time.
MOSES
(pleads)
Please, suh. I’s just here to fix the elevator. Whatever yo business here, I’s sho it ain’t no business of mine.
OSWALD
Shut the fuck up. And don’t call me sir, or captain. I ain’t your better. That’s the trouble with this country. White people think they’re superior to negroes. And niggers like you let them get away with it.
Another anxious glance out the window. His moment of truth fast approaches.
As does Moses’.
Moses bats aside the barrel of the rifle. Bull rushes the smaller man. They tumble through the stack of boxed books.
The rifle falls to the floor.
Moses unleashes a flurry of punches to Oswald’s midsection. A glancing blow off his chin. Scrambles for the rifle.
Oswald grabs him by the collar of his jacket. Pulls him down.
A knee to the gut doubles Moses over. A haymaker to the back of his head drops him to the floor.
Oswald goes for the gun. Stumbles over books and boxes. Goes down.
Moses leaps on him. Wraps Oswald up in a bear hug. Squeezes.
Oswald slams the back of his head into Moses’ jaw. Breaks the hold.
Oswald reaches the rifle. Swings. Hammers the butt down on Moses’ skull.
Moses collapses. He’s done.
Oswald chambers a round in the rifle. Jumps to the window.
INSERT – THE PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE
Kennedy’s open air limousine passes under a railroad overpass. Unhindered. Out of sight. Out of range.
BACK TO SCENE
His opportunity lost. Oswald turns his weapon on Moses. Hesitates.
OSWALD
I oughta shoot you, you pathetic spook. But that would only ease your misery.
He pulls back the bolt. Ejects the chambered round. Tosses the rifle aside. Exits.
COMPONENTS: COMPETITIVE AGENDAS
Beginning: Moses’ agenda: Don’t interfere with the white man in his white man’s world.
Oswald’s agenda: Not let Moses interfere with his plan to kill President Kennedy.
Middle: They fight.
First Ending: Oswald wins fight. Knocks out Moses. But misses his shot to kill Kennedy.
Final Ending: Moses wins fight. Kennedy lives. Moses holds gun on Oswald. Has choices. None good. Call police? They’ll believe the white man. Moses goes to jail. Shoot Oswald? Moses goes to jail. Let Oswald escape? The only real choice.
SCENE REWRITE:
INT. TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY – DAY
SUPER: “1963”
Oswald holds his rifle on Moses.
MOSES
(surprised)
Whoa, now. What’s this, cap’n?
Oswald backs Moses against the wall. Glances out the window. Almost time.
MOSES
(pleads)
Please, suh. I’s just here to fix the elevator. Whatever yo business here, I’s sho it ain’t no business of mine.
OSWALD
Shut the fuck up. And don’t call me sir, or captain. I ain’t your better. That’s the trouble with this country. White people think they’re superior to negroes. And niggers like you let them get away with it.
Another anxious glance out the window. His moment of truth fast approaches.
As does Moses’.
Moses bats aside the barrel of the rifle. Bull rushes the smaller man. They tumble through the stack of boxed books.
The rifle falls to the floor.
Moses unleashes a flurry of punches to Oswald’s midsection. A glancing blow off his chin. Scrambles for the rifle.
Oswald grabs him by the collar of his jacket. Pulls him down.
A knee to the gut doubles Moses over. A haymaker to the back of his head drops him to the floor.
Oswald goes for the gun. Stumbles over books and boxes. Goes down.
Moses leaps on him. Wraps Oswald up in a bear hug. Squeezes.
Oswald slams the back of his head into Moses’ jaw. Breaks the hold. Scrambles for the rifle.
Moses grabs his foot. Drags him back. A knee to his solar plexus.
Oswald collapses by the window. Gasping.
Moses grabs the carbine. Swings on Oswald.
MOSES
Stop!
Oswald freezes.
MOSES
Don’t make me shoot you!
Oswald glances out the window.
INSERT – THE PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE
Kennedy’s open-air limousine passes under a railroad overpass. Unhindered. Out of range. Out of history.
BACK TO SCENE
OSWALD
(breathless)
So what now? Police?
MOSES
That’s right.
Oswald chuckles. Winces from Moses’ blows.
OSWALD
You pathetic spook. Who do you think the cops will believe when I tell them you intended to kill the President. The white man who works here? Or the black outsider?
MOSES
What? I’s just here to fix the elevator.
OSWALD
(mocking)
I’s just here to fix the elevator.
Moses tightens his grip on the rifle. Realizes this thwarted assassin is now a threat to him.
MOSES
Maybe I should just shoot you.
Oswald blanches. Not so cocky.
OSWALD
Either way. Your black ass ends up in a Texas penitentiary.
Oswald slowly backs toward the opening in the stacked boxes.
OSWALD
Best thing for both of us, I just walk away.
Moses relents. Lowers the rifle.
Oswald turns. Backs away. Bolts for the fire stairs.
Now alone, the worst case scenario hits Moses like a freight train.
MOSES
Aw, shit.
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Lesson 12
Chris’s scene ratings.
This assignment got me thinking how the entertainment value of scenes is elevated by the performance of the actors. For example, my closing scene is a full page of dialogue by a 99-year-old character. She sits in a wheelchair, surrounded by her family, so there is no action. But the words are pretty powerful (imo) and the entertainment value of the scene is tied to the performance.
All in all, I believe my scenes are pretty entertaining. I did rate them from back to front.
Sc.1. E6 OPENING
SC2. E7
SC3. E8
SC4. E8
SC5. E9
SC6. E7
SC7. E8
SC8. E8
SC9. E8 INCITING INCIDENT
SC10. E9
SC11. E9 ACT 1 TURNING POINT
SC12. E5
SC13. E9 OPENING ACT 2
SC14. E6
SC15. E7
SC16. E8
SC17. E7
SC18. E7
SC19. E7
SC20. E8
SC21. E9
SC22. E9
SC23. E6
SC24. E7
SC25. E8
SC26. E8
SC27. E6
SC28. E8
SC29. E8
SC30. E7
SC31. E8
SC32. E7
SC33. E8
SC34. E9 MIDPOINT
SC35. E8
SC36. E7
SC37. E8
SC38. E8 TURNING POINT ACT2
SC39. E6
SC40. E8 OPENING ACT 3
SC41. E8
SC42. E8
SC43. E8
SC44. E8
SC45. E8
SC46. E8
SC47. E6
SC48. E9
SC49. E6
SC50. E7
SC51. E8
SC52. E8
SC53. E7
SC54. E9
SC55. E9
SC56. E8
SC57. E9
SC58. E7
SC59. E9
SC60. E9
SC61. E9
SC62. E10 TURNING POINT INTO ACT 4
SC63. E7 OPENING ACT 4
SC64. E7
SC65. E5
SC66. E5
SC67. E8
SC68. E7
SC69. E8 RESOLUTION/ CONCLUSION
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Chris’s Outline to script.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment: the over reliance and over valuing of the outline is frustrating. I have been adding/subtracting directly to scenes in my script all along. When I see the need for a change (elevating character profiles, enhancing conventions of drama, adding interest techniques), I don’t like to wait to make the changes to my script.
I use an outline (index cards) when composing the first draft. It is a good guide, keeps things in order. A vehicle to manage changes. But waiting till Lesson 11 to begin to merge the outline with the script is a frustrating delay. At least for me.
I don’t see the script changes I’ve made to date as perfect. But they are a start, and more complete than an item from the outline. I am sure they will improve through the next series of lessons.
I do appreciate the use of outlines in the structure of this class. Particularly in Lesson 10 where we exchange outlines. I only question the value in the overall rewrite process.
My script has a total of 93 scenes.
My outline covers 38 scenes/sequences.
I have one scene that is completely new.
I deleted one sequence.
I made changes to 17 scènes/sequence.
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Lora provided some solid feedback that strengthened my outline. Now I’m looking to partner with someone to give it a second look. Takers?
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Chris’s outline exchange.
Looking to partner up with someone. The structure is somewhat non-linear, so it important to pay attention to superimposed dates. Also, some may find the topic (racism in the 20th century) controversial.
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Chris’ Fascinating Scene Outline – Lesson 9
I learned through this exercise that my scenes are pretty interesting at this point.
Through this rewrite I have paid particular attention to making the settings interesting and dynamic.
For example, in the scene where Moses and Polly get a phone call telling them they won their case in the Supreme Court, I simply had Moses reading a newspaper, Polly enters the scene from the kitchen when the phone rings. Ho, hum. So, I added 5 preschoolers at a birthday party for Moses’ 4-year-old daughter Bess. (Showed the passage of time too). Moses and Polly are managing the kids and birthday cake when the phone rings.
This exercise also had me examine the next to the last scene. Already an interesting setting, suspense, and uncomfortable moment. I brainstormed angles and other interest techniques to elevate the scene, but decided in was pretty powerful as is. No change.
It was also helpful to recognize the few scenes that reflected a superior position.
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Lesson 8
Chris elevates main characters.
The work to elevate my main characters includes improving the intro of my main character Moses, that I mentioned in lesson #7 (re. ’56 Chevy muscle car).
Tracking back to components of drama, I better articulated the emotional expression and stakes for various characters. For example;
· I injected a rising anger in the monologue Moses has to a Confederate War memorial.
· I showed why it’s important for Polly (Moses’ wife) to keep her family safe and her marriage intact, and what’s at stake if the Supreme Court rules against their interracial marriage.
· Polly cites in 1967 the civil rights progress President Kennedy has made, since he was not assassinated in 1963. This establishes the stakes for Moses to be alive to prevent the assassination in 1963, and not lynched in 1935. Get it?
· I also included a new scene where their biracial daughter experiences segregation as a white person, done through subtext.
I do feel my characters are intriguing and emotionally engaging. Especially young Moses and Polly when they fall in love as teenagers.
As far as lead characters not present… While my protagonist (Moses) is not in every scene, my antagonist (American racism) is,
What I’ve learned… lessons learned in previous lessons continually come into play with new lessons.
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Chris Willis solving big picture problems.
What I learned from this assignment is the big picture of my script is pretty solid, with a couple of needed changes.
I’m pretty happy with the transformational journey of my main character. And the conflict throughout is pretty strong.
But I was not happy with the introduction of my main character in 1967. He basically gets off a bus, has a Save-the-cat moment, and walks home. Too passive, no challenge, no twist, no action. So I changed it to him waiting at a red light in 1967 in his 1956 Chevy muscle car. A brand new Mustang rolls up next to him, challenges him to a race. There is a lot of motor revving from both cars. Ready to race. The light goes green. The Mustang screeches through the intersection. Our hero puts on his blinker, turns right. As the police chase after the Mustang.
I also made a decision about the ending. A character is stopped by the police in 1968. He steps out of his car, raises his hands. It is there I freeze the image and transition to a statue of black men with their hands raised. The change? I added the sound of a flurry of gunshots over the frozen image.
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Chris’ Outline Improvements – Lesson 6
What I learned doing this assignment… Making improvements to my outline is a much more organic (less formal) process in my case. I use the outline I had prior to this class, a digital index card type of thing. Changes are generally made on the fly. I confess, I also tend to rewrite parts of scenes or create totally new scenes in response to the assignments, introducing new aspects of a character’s story line, increasing the emotionality of scenes, etc.. One significant change I made was moving a 1963 scene to the end of Act 2, where Lee Harvey Oswald points a rifle at Moses, cliffhanging us into Act 3.
In terms of delivering on the pitch. I felt I needed to elevate the pitch itself. Not only because of the lessons learned, but also based on a rethinking of the original concepts. I even changed the title to SAY HIS NAME. The pitch is stronger now.
Considering the conventions of drama yielded notes to elevate the emotionality of several scenes. For example, at Moses and Polly’s wedding Polly fears losing Moses if he goes to war, which is especially poignant for her after losing her redneck, white family when she chose to marry a black man.
I also raised the stakes for them for challenging her conviction for marrying interracially. And the stakes for their daughter regarding her choice whether to live her life as a black woman or white. After Moses prevents Kennedy from being assassinated, I have Polly talk about the stakes if he was killed, as in the civil rights legislation he has signed into law. Act 4 is all about the stakes if Moses dies at 14.
Outlining character profiles and story lines revealed a missing element in Bess, Moses’ daughter. While in one scene she experiences the negative side of passing for white (at an audition), I wanted to add a scene that (through subtext) showed the advantage to her of being white.
Also, when detailing story lines, I recognized that the antagonist’s story line is the story line of American racism. This is represented by story lines about anti-interracial marriage laws, what Moses thinks of being black and how white people treat him, and assorted incidents of life in Jim Crow Texas.
Also, taking a note from Syd Field, I describe what I call personality dimensions for each of the Kincaid family. For example; I describe Moses’ “personal side” (how he expresses himself when no one is listening), “family side” (his message to his wife and daughter), and his “social side” (the submissive behavior and language he uses around white people).
Improvements in my index card outline? Sure. Improvement in the ideas and concepts for the rewrite? Absolutely.
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Chris’s character story lines.
I learned there was a loose end (no turning point 2) in Bess’s character. Resulted in a good scene.
Just to see what happens, I outlined the story lines in the script along the three act structure. Showed me where I need to elevate the drama/conflict.
MOSES KINCAID
PROTAGONIST
BEGINNING: Moses is on his way home. A regular guy. Excited to see his adult daughter who is home for a few days.
INCITING INCIDENT: 1967 – A black neighbor is killed in Viet Nam. 1935 – Moses shines the boots of small-town racist big shots. Gets stiffed by one of them. First encounter with Polly.
TURNING POINT #1: Moses walks Polly home from movies in 1935.
MIDPOINT: Moses meets Kistna in 1935 – becomes more aware of his racial identity.
TURNING POINT #2: 1935 – Boss Wallace points a gun at Moses for touching Polly. 1963 – Lee Harvey Oswald confronts Moses about his submissive attitude when it comes to white people.
DILEMMA: Is America a white country where Moses is always on the outside looking in, OR a multicultural nation where people like him have opportunities.
MAJOR CONFLICT: Just before racists lynch him in 1935, Moses proclaims his black identity, but does not have the opportunity to say his name.
ENDING: His name is said by Polly 80+ years after his death at the Lynching Memorial.
ANTAGONIST
The antagonist of this story is RACISM IN AMERICA. Specifically represented by (1) Anti-interracial marriage laws, (2) what Moses believes and how he is treated by white people, and (3) specific incidents in the Jim Crow South of the 20<sup>th</sup> century.
BEGINNING:
(1) Moses and Polly get married outside of Texas to avoid miscegenation laws.
(2) (2) 1935 – Moses gets stiffed by a white man for a dime shoeshine,
(3) Moses and Floyd get busted for sitting in the white section of the movie theater.
INCITING INCIDENT:
(1) Cody Baker is rejected by Polly when he hits on her. Then he gets angry when he sees she is married to a black man,
(2) Moses believes America is a white country.
(3) Moses confronts Civil War Memorial about the racism of the Confederacy.
TURNING POINT #1:
(1) Polly is arrested for being married to a black man.
(2) Moses makes his biracial daughter pass for white for a piano audition.
MIDPOINT:
(1) Polly is convicted of miscegenation.
(2) Lee Harvey Oswald calls out Moses for perpetuating the white American lie.
(3) A black man is arrested in a segregated Dallas restaurant.
TURNING POINT #2:
(1) Moses and Polly leave Texas to stay married and avoid prison for Polly. They appeal her conviction.
(2) The FBI raid Emaye’s Coffee House.
DILEMMA:
(1) Should Moses and Polly stay in Texas – dissolve their marriage. Or leave Texas (their home) to stay married and avoid incarceration.
(2) Is America a white country or can it be multicultural?
(3) Will overt racism keep Moses and Polly from living in peace?
MAJOR CONFLICT:
(1) Are miscegenation laws constitutional?
(2) Should Moses just try to get along in a white man’s world or establish his own true black identity?
(3) Moses is lynched in 1935.
ENDING:
(1) Supreme Court finds miscegenation laws unconstitutional, legalizing interracial marriage in the United States.
(2) Moses is remembered, his name is said, at the Lynching Memorial in 2018.
(3) Floyd is stopped by police for driving while black.
POLLY KINCAID
Supporting Character to Protagonist
Wife
BEGINNING: Polly breaks down at the Lynching Memorial in Alabama.
INCITING INCIDENT: Polly witnesses Moses being lynched in 1935.
TURNING POINT #1: Polly fights with Moses when he wants their daughter Bess to pass for white for a piano audition.
MIDPOINT: Polly rejects advances from Cody Baker, recalling he sexually assaulted her when he was drunk at a party. Cody is incensed that Polly is married to a black man.
TURNING POINT #2: Polly is arrested for miscegenation.
DILEMMA: Polly and Moses must choose between leaving Texas OR dissolving their marriage to keep Polly out of the penitentiary. They appealed her case to the Supreme Court.
MAJOR CONFLICT: Will racism destroy their marriage?
ENDING: Polly remembers Moses at the Lynching Memorial. Says his name.
BESS
Supporting character of Protagonist
Daughter
BEGINNING: 1967 – a piano virtuoso, playing at home.
INCITING INCIDENT: Moses makes her pass for white in 1963.
TURNING POINT #1: Bess rejects her white half after audition.
MIDPOINT: 1963 – Bess and Polly see the police carry a black man out of a segregated restaurant where they are waiting for a table. Bess does not make the connection that they are getting a table because she looks white.
TURNING POINT #2: 1967 – Bess is a member of the Black Panther Party in San Francisco.
DILEMMA: Conflicted about her racial identity (black or white). Affirms her choice (black) after arrest by FBI at Emaye’s coffee house.
MAJOR CONFLICT: Arrested for being black by the FBI at the coffee house.
ENDING: A consequence of Moses’ death in 1935, Bess is white in 1963.
EMAYE
Supporting character of protagonist.
Moses’ mother.
BEGINNING: Sick with malaria in 1935. Living in poverty.
INCITING INCIDENT: Moses takes care of her. She says she’d die without him.
TURNING POINT #1: She has a vision that Moses will achieve great things. But no one will know his name.
MIDPOINT: Emaye gives Moses a voodoo amulet on his wedding day, to protect him as he goes off to WW2. Emaye is now protecting Moses.
TURNING POINT #2: The FBI raids Emaye’s coffee house because it is a den of black radicalism.
DILEMMA: In her vision, Emaye sees that Moses will die at a young age, but never reveals it.
MAJOR CONFLICT: Moses dies at 14.
ENDING: As a consequence of Moses’ early death, Emaye’s Coffee House never exists. It’s a Chinese Laundry.
FLOYD
Supporting character of protagonist.
Lifelong friend.
BEGINNING: Sneaks into theater with Moses.
INCITING INCIDENT: Busted for sitting in white’s only section.
TURNING POINT #1: He joins the Navy. Served in WW2.
MIDPOINT: Shows up at Emaye’s coffee house as a leader in the Black Panther Party. Radical views on race in America.
TURNING POINT #2: Escapes when FBI raids Emaye’s coffee shop.
DILEMMA: Drawn between being there for his ailing mother AND participating in a Black Panther demonstration.
MAJOR CONFLICT: Years after Moses dies, Floyd is pulled over for driving while black, on the way back from his mother’s funeral.
ENDING: Image freezes on Floyd raising his hands at the police car stop.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Chris WIllis.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by
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Chris’ Character Profiles – Lesson 4
What I learned doing this assignment: Articulating new character dimensions for Moses, Polly, and Bess adds a great deal to the story.
I added “personality dimensions” to my character profiles.
MOSES KINCAID
ROLE: Protagonist
CORE TRAITS: Regular guy. Just wants to get along with everyone and live in peace. Loves Polly. Courageous. Evolves from being racially submissive to proud of his black culture.
PERSONALITY DIMENSIONS: Private side: When he speaks to statues or his dog. Expresses true/personal feelings about racism and love. Family side: When he speaks to his wife or daughter. Try to get along, live in peace. Social side: When around or talking with white people. Submissive actions and language.
MOTIVATION: Wants: To get along, live in peace. Goal: To live his life with Polly. Raise his family.
FLAW: The racism of his world inhibits his true self and how he speaks and acts in the presence of white people. Seems fearful and submissive on the surface, but demonstrates great courage at war
WOUND: Traumatized and humiliated when Boss points a gun at him in 1935. He wets himself in front of young Polly.
SECRET: He dies when he is 14.
HIDDEN AGENDA: Have his biracial daughter succeed in a white man’s world.
INTERNAL DILEMMA: Is America a white country? Or a multiracial country where he and his family have a place?
WHAT MAKES MOSES PERFECT FOR THIS ROLE? He is a regular guy, whose regular life would have had a remarkable impact on history (e.g., stopped JFK assassination, prevented Apollo 1 fire, changed interracial marriage laws), if racism had not led to his murder at age 14.
POLLY (BRAGG) KINCAID
ROLE: Wife, mother, loves Moses.
CORE TRAITS: Levelheaded, but idealistic. Anti racist. Socially and politically aware. Lives in fear of losing her family. Emotionally strong woman.
PERSONALITY DIMENSIONS: Private: Feels the loss of her birth (white) family because she married a black man. Terrified she will also lose her family with Moses. Family: Tries to elevate Moses’ black self esteem. Protect Bess from racism. Social: Socially woke. Strong independent woman. Anti racist, anti war, pro civil rights.
MOTIVATION: Wants: A racism free America. Needs: To keep her family safe and happy.
WOUND: Sexually assaulted by Cody Baker when Moses is away at war.
SECRETS: She was sexually assaulted by Cody Baker. She knows Moses is the “Unknown” at the lynching memorial.
HIDDEN AGENDA: To develop Moses’ self-esteem about being a black man in America.
INTERNAL DILEMMA: Loving and marrying a black man has alienated her from her white, redneck family, at great cost to her emotionally.
WHAT MAKES POLLY PERFECT FOR THIS ROLE? She is a bridge between the black and white worlds. She is a strong white woman who is not a racist. She believes in a multi-racial America and raises her family to believe it too.
BESS KINCAID
ROLE: Moses and Polly’s biracial daughter.
CORE TRAITS: Piano virtuoso. Committed and proud of her black culture. Reverse racists tendencies. Politically angry.
PERSONALITY DIMENSIONS: Private: Secretive. Denies her white identity. Overcompensates to fit into black culture. Angry. Family: Worships her black father. Tolerates her white mother. Loves both. Social: Radical black activist. Proud of her black culture. Not averse to violence to battle racism.
MOTIVATION: Want: To be 100% black. Need: To be accepted and successful as a black woman/performer.
FLAW: Hates white people because of racism and oppression and so suppresses her white half.
WOUND: Her father made her pass for white for a Conservatory audition when 18.
SECRET: She is a member of the Black Panther Party in San Francisco.
HIDDEN AGENDA: Overturn white racist American culture by any means necessary.
INTERNAL DILEMMA: Overcompensates to feel more connected to black culture because she is half white.
WHAT MAKES BESS PERFECT FOR THIS ROLE? As a young successful, biracial woman she has not experienced the same level of racism as Moses. She rejects the idea of America as a white country. Believes African Americans should develop their own American culture apart from white America.
Note: When Moses dies in 1935, Bess’s character becomes BETH, a very white version of Polly’s daughter.
2. TO IMPROVE CHARACTER PROFILES – Developing the character profiles for this assignment allowed me to add greater substance and depth to Moses, Polly and Bess. Good for now. Further development will come when the changes are worked into the story.
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Chris’s Drama Genre Convention
Title: SAY THEIR NAME
Concept: When a young person dies, all they might have accomplished, if they had lived, dies with them.
Conflict: Jim Crow laws get in the way of Moses Kincaid living in peace with his white wife Polly.
Conventions of Drama
– Purpose – Emotional/high stakes for characters
– Character driven internal journey.
– High stakes come from within.
– Emotionally resonates.
– Challenging, emotionally charged situations.
– Real life situations.
ACT ONE – Opening – 2017 Lynching museum – history of racial violence in America. One memorial says “Unknown – 6/19/1935.”
1967 – Moses at home in Dallas – Just a friendly, regular family man.
– Inciting incident – Kincaid family upset when neighborhood kid killed in Viêt Nam. Another brother killed in the white man’s war.
1963 Kincaid breakfast – Polly talks about what JFK hopes to accomplish for black community (voting rights, integrated schools, equal access) – setting up stakes if JFK is assassinated later and stakes for Bess being accepted into Conservatory. Moses still believes America is a white man’s country. That Bess will have a better chance at Conservatory if passes for white.
Stakes if Bess does not get into Conservatory – she’d be a failure in Daddy’s eyes.
– Turning Point – 1944 – Moses and Polly get married in general store. Polly upset that Moses has to go to war. Fears losing him. Moses tells her after the war they’ll settle down in Texas, live in peace, raise a family.
ACT TWO – New Plan – 1963 – Moses talks to Civil War Memorial statues – He just wants to live in peace and harmony. Elevate emotionality.
– Plan in action – Moses works hard (elevator repair), comes home after serving his country in WW2, raises his family. Polly is arrested for interracial marriage. He takes care of his mother, who has a vision that he will do great things, but no one will know his name. Elevate emotionality.
– Midpoint Turning Point – 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald points gun at Moses.
1935 Moses meets a biplane pilot who increases his black self-awareness. Learns about black pride.
1946 – Polly is convicted of miscegenation. Fears it will be the end of their marriage. Challenges to her core. Will she and Moses ever be able to live in peace. They have to leave Texas.
1963 – Polly withdraws daughter Bess from piano competition.
1935 – Young Moses falls in love with young Polly.
ACT THREE – React/Rethink – 1967 Moses is more aware of his black culture. Meets with Black Panther in coffee shop. What is at stake if African Americans turn to violence (ala Black Panthers). We all gonna end up dead or in jail. It is not a victory if the oppressed become the oppressor.
1935 – loving young Polly is dangerous. Local big shot draws a gun on Moses. Elevate emotionality of situations.
– New plan – 1949 Supreme Court rules that a ban on interracial marriage is unconstitutional. Polly is acquitted.
1935 Young Moses tells his dog how he feels about Polly and the high stakes of loving her.
1963 – Moses fights with Oswald. Gets drop on LHO, says he will turn him over to police. Oswald laughs, says he’ll tell the cops Moses intended to kill JFK, until he stopped him. Who do you think they’ll believe? The white man or the black man. LHO runs away. Kennedy is not assassinated.
– Turning point – 1935 Moses is lynched. Act 4 is about the stakes/consequences of Moses dying at age 14.
ACT FOUR – Climax/ Ultimate expression of Conflict – 1935 Young Moses is dead.
1963 – Polly marries a white doctor. Kennedy is assassinated. Interracial marriage remains illegal until 1967.
– Resolution – 2017 At the Lynching Memorial, Elder Polly has never forgotten young Moses. She articulates the high concept. Says his name, “Moses Kincaid.”
What I learned from this assignment- I learned that I need to better articulate the high stakes for characters and actions and elevate the emotionality of scenes and situations.
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Lesson 2
This script is non-linear. Jumps around quite a bit through four decades.
Title: SAY THEIR NAME
Concept: When a young person dies, all they might have accomplished, if they had lived, dies with them.
Conflict: Jim Crow laws get in the way of Moses Kincaid living in peace with his white wife Polly.
ACT ONE – Opening – 2017 Lynching museum – history of racial violence in America.
1967 – Moses at home in Dallas – Just a friendly, regular family man.
– Inciting incident – Neighborhood kid killed in Viêt Nam.
– Turning Point – 1944 – Moses and Polly get married in general store.
ACT TWO – New Plan – 1963 – Moses talks to Civil War Memorial statues – He just wants to live in peace and harmony.
– Plan in action – Moses works hard (elevator repair), served his country in WW2, raises his family. His mother has a vision that he will do great things, but no one will know his name.
– Midpoint Turning Point – 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald point gun at Moses. 1935 Moses meets a biplane pilot who increases his black self awareness. 1946 – Polly is convicted of miscegenation. 1963 – Polly withdraws daughter from piano competition. 1935 – Young Moses falls in love with young Polly.
ACT THREE – React/Rethink – 1967 Moses is more aware of his black culture. Meets with Black Panther in coffee shop. Arrested by FBI. 1935 – loving young Polly is dangerous. Local big shot draws a gun on Moses.
– New plan – 1949 Supreme Court rules that a ban on interracial marriage is unconstitutional. Polly is acquitted. 1935 Young Moses tells his dog how he feels about Polly. 1963 – Moses fights with Oswald. Kennedy is not assassinated.
– Turning point – 1935 Moses is lynched.
ACT FOUR – Climax/ Ultimate expression of Conflict – 1935 Young Moses is dead. 1963 – Polly marries a white doctor. Kennedy is assassinated. Interracial marriage remains illegal until 1967.
– Resolution – 2017 At the Lynching Memorial, Old Polly articulates the high concept.
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I learned that my script has four acts, not three.
PITCH
Genre: Drama
Title: SAY THEIR NAME
High Concept: When a young person dies, all that they might have accomplished, had they lived, dies with them.
Main Conflict: Moses Kincaid is an African American elevator repairman. A regular guy. A family man. All he wants in life is to live in peace with his white wife Polly. But the racism of the Jim Crow South in the mid twentieth century is a constant source of obstacles and challenges.
Transformational Journey: Moses grows up believing America is a white man’s country. At 14, he says; “Not my world. I’s just tryin’ to live in it.”
Moses has a random encounter with a biplane pilot from India who tells him all that he is, is what the white man tells him he is.
Nevertheless, Moses serves heroically in the US Army during World War II. He changes the anti-interracial marriage laws in Texas. Tries to raise his bi-racial daughter in the South of the 1960s.
In 1963, while repairing an elevator in Dallas, he encounters a white gunman who challenges the big lie Moses has believed all his life. He tells him white people believe America is a white country, because blacks like Moses let them get away with it.
Moses and the gunman fight. The gunman knocks out Moses with the butt of his rifle. But during the fight, the gunman’s target slips away. The gunman was Lee Harvey Oswald. His target was President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy is not assassinated.
As years pass, Moses becomes a more radicalized proponent of black pride and black power. He has a politically charged encounter with a Black Panther in a black owned coffee house. When the FBI raids the coffee house Moses is beaten by the police and arrested.
A concurrent, non-linear story line follows Moses as a teenage shoeshine in a small Texas town in the 1930s. He meets Polly. It is a sweet, romantic story of young love.
Until the white townspeople, including Polly’s father, accuse Moses of raping young Polly.
Despite his denials and actual innocence, Moses is tortured and lynched in front of the whole town.
When Moses dies at 14, all that he did in his life, had he lived, is erased.
Polly marries a white neurosurgeon.
Interracial marriage continues to be outlawed in Texas.
John F Kennedy is assassinated.
The story ends, where it begins, in the present day, at the lynching Memorial in Alabama. 97 year old Polly, who has never forgotten Moses, tells three generations of her multiracial family that while the lynching of the hundreds of memorialized souls is a shameful cataclysm, the deeper tragedy is the loss of what might have been.
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Christopher Willis
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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My name’s Chris Willis. Some call me Doc.
I’ve written about a dozen features. Three pilots. A bunch of shorts.
I’m hoping to use the rewrite class to elevate the 4th rewrite of a script called SAY HIS NAME, and the 14th rewrite of a feature called HURRICANE.
Something unusual about me? I write screenplays. Something unique? I’ve been a practicing psychologist for 44 years.
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Ok
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Keep at it. There’s a really cool story in there 👍
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Okay. But I can’t figure out how to send a private message.
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Actually, if thousands had lived, how might history be different.
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I like your ideas for Greg. Perhaps the gun collection is an overcompensation. Also like Kelly’s attachment issues, which often translates into trust issues. Good stuff!
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Passing for white (for reasons in a previous sequence) in a restaurant lobby, Bess does not even notice when a black man is removed from the restaurant by police because the place “does not serve negroes.”
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A bed time story changed to a crowded concert scene. Nice! Also, it seemed you now show the power of the jewel before the explanation. Also nice. Or was that already the sequence of events?
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Hi Lora,
At this point I intend to superimpose the year every time it changes. Except for the day Kennedy was assassinated, which will be shown as November 22, 1963. The exact day that Moses dies is shown on a calendar in the butcher shop June 19, 1935. Do you think the history is too esoteric for today’s audience? Does it matter?
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Something I took from a reread of Syd Field.
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Hi Margaret, a small point about your inciting incident. Nothing happens in a therapist office but talk. Would it work better if we actually saw one of Victoria’s past visions, with a voice over from her in the therapist office?
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Or psychologically torturing?
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Brainwashing sounds old fashion. Is he abusing her? Would psychologically manipulating work better?
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There are clues early on that are obvious changes in reality (JFK is President in 1967, the Viêt Nam war ends in 1967) and some less obvious (Apollo 1 tragedy avoided) that we later connect to Moses living. When he dies at a young age, the 4th act corrects these historical inaccuracies that occur in his absence.
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Howdy Bill, Nice to see another writer born in the fifties.