[Ed Preston]

Ed’s Finished Act 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I will almost certainly have to curb my tendency to get everything right the first time, but maybe that comes from a few years of professional Technical Writing – or maybe I could have used these techniques back then!

ACT 1:

FADE IN.

INT. MARY’S WAFFLE STOP, ELKO, NEVADA – MORNING

Six men from various backgrounds sit around a table at a breakfast diner. They are DON, DIEGO, SAM, CURTIS, LEN and the leader, JOE. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation.

JOE

Each of you guys have new clients, and you’ve been briefed on what to expect. And we all know from experience that things always go the way we expect – he pauses for effect – about half the time. If that. There’s always something comes up that you don’t expect.

A few of them nod in agreement.

JOE

And above all, don’t reveal yourself unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. That makes things very complicated. Ask me how I know.

LEN

How do you know?

JOE

Actually, don’t ask… it’s just an expression.

LEN

Gotcha.

Joe points to Len approvingly.

JOE

Good use of slang though, very good! When someone says “Ask me how I know?” It’s just to suggest they learned something the hard way. (pause) OK, enough on how strange the English language is. Sam, where you headed this time?

SAM

Massachusetts, near the ocean. A college graduation Saturday morning.

A nosy guy at the next table has been eavesdropping. He turns to Sam and says…

NOSY GUY

It’s Thursday and there’s no way you can possibly get all the way to Massachusetts from here by Saturday morning. No way.

SAM

I have a fast motorcycle, and don’t sleep… err, much. I’ll make it.

NOSY GUY

Yeah, maybe if you go 180 and don’t get stopped by the police, which you will, I can assure you.

SAM

Nope, regular highway speeds, nothing flagrant. I’ll get there in time, no problemo.

EXT. MARY’S WAFFLE STOP – A FEW MINUTES LATER

The six leave the diner, headed for their vehicles. They make their goodbyes, and Sam heads over to a sleek Suzuki road bike, meant for all day riding at any speed. He pulls on his helmet, mounts the bike and takes off, fast and smooth.

SERIES OF SHOTS AS SAM TRAVELS ON THE HIGHWAY

— One after another he passes signs announcing he’s entered a new state. Day fades into night and night gives way to day, he continues passing such signs.

— After crossing into Pennsylvania, he pulls off the highway to stop at an ice cream stand for a cone. While there, two young children, no more than five or six, are drawn to his motorcycle, then to him (he loves children and they love him). There’s also a very guard-dog like Doberman on a leash. Sam approaches him and the dog lights up with happiness. The dog’s owner is amazed.

— Back on the road, Sam traverses Pennsylvania, the lower corner of New York, Connecticut, all signified by “Welcome To” signs. After entering Massachusetts, the signs denoting progress become more frequent. Finally he exits Rt 128 for Bowman College and turns at a sign reading “Welcome to Bowman College Commencement”. The weather is gorgeous. The parking lot is filling up, the place is abuzz with people. Sam parks his motorcycle and looks for a seat.

EXT. BOWMAN COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT – MORNING, SUNNY

DAVE CARLSON is talking with LARRY and LISA. All are dressed in cap and gown.

LARRY

So Dave, I hear you got a job offer at MegaFace! That’s awesome!

DAVE

Yeah, baby! I snagged an internship there and they liked me so much they’re putting me in their new marketing research department. Who says a degree in Anthropology won’t pay off? I got me a seat on the Space Shuttle and I’ma ride that rocket into orbit! (leans in) …and stock options when they go public. Booyah!

LISA

And you’re getting married too, right?

DAVE

Yep, Linda and I get hitched in September, then honeymoon in Vegas. It’ll be awesome!

LARRY

Hey, I admire you. Great job, beautiful bride. You’re one lucky guy!

DAVE

Luck? Luck’s got nothing to do with it. Hard work, late nights, and focus, man!

The “line up now” horn sounds, punctuating Dave’s remark.

DAVE

Whelp, gotta go. Nice talking to yah!

Dave spins and walks off. Larry calls to him as he melts into the crowd.

LARRY

Right… Well, we’ll look for your name in the papers then!

LISA

What an ass!

LARRY

Agreed. Nobody I know will miss him. We’d better go get in line.

EXT. BOWMAN COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT, GUEST SEATING AREA, SAME TIME

Sam finds a seat where he can observe the ceremony.

EXT. BOWMAN COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT, SPEAKERS PLATFORM, 20 MIN LATER.

The college Chancellor speaks.

CHANCELLOR

Now that we’ve handed out the awards, it’s time for our commencement speaker. Please welcome Massachusetts Supreme Court Judge Thomas Miller…

Cut to Dave looking impatiently at his watch and feigning interest in the speaker.

CHANCELLOR

…after which we will hand out diplomas, close with song, and you will be dismissed.

JUDGE MILLER

Greetings Bowman College graduates, parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, and friends. I remember my own commencement ceremony, so I intend to be brief.

A little applause from the audience.

JUDGE MILLER

Yada, yada, blah, blah… I hope you suffer so you will see what it’s like to suffer and maybe you will become batter, etc, etc…

Cut to Dave looking even more impatient

JUDGE MILLER

…and, in conclusion, go forth into the world, do the right thing, be an adult if things don’t go your way (basically set up some good but not too obvious foreshadowing here)

DAVE (TO HIMSELF)

Finally!

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APT, AFTER COMMENCEMENT

Dave enters, smug and full of himself, puts his diploma on the counter and picks up the three envelopes. He opens the first. Tall Pines College in Northern California offers him a full graduate scholarship and teaching fellowship. He tosses it aside. The second from MegaFace ‘regretfully’ withdrawing their offer of employment. He’s stunned. He opens the third, from his fiancé, telling him that the wedding is off and she’s gotten engaged to Dave’s old HS friend, the son of a man who owns the four largest automobile dealerships in Central Ohio. He turns the envelope over and an engagement ring falls out with a thud.

Dave goes from shocked to devastated to enraged. He flings the letters away, kicks over the wastebasket, and storms out, slamming the door as hard as he can.

EXT. IN FRONT OF DAVE’S APARTMENT

Dave snatches the For Sale sign off the Kawasaki motorcycle on the lawn, starts the engine and roars off like a rocket.

EXT. ROUTE 128, MANCHESTER, MA, NORTHBOUND – MINUTES LATER

Dave races down the highway at insane speeds, weaving in and out of traffic. He yells, screams at, and tailgates a minivan in the passing lane that won’t get out of his way fast enough. It finally moves to the middle lane only to reveal the tail end of a slow-moving truck dawdling onto the highway from a utility vehicle turnaround. Dave is literally moments from certain death with no possible escape. In a split second, another figure on a motorcycle (Sam) races past and snatches Dave off his bike just before it hits the truck and explodes in flames.

EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD, 1 MINUTE LATER

Dave and Sam are sitting at the side of the road, joined by the family in the minivan and the driver of the truck. Everyone has a different account of what they saw, the children’s stories are most accurate, but the adults dismiss them as fanciful because they’re clearly ‘impossible’. In a moment when others are occupied…

DAVE

(confused and disoriented)

Who are you?

SAM

I’m an angel, my job is to protect you. (pats him on the shoulder) Gotta go. Don’t do this again.

Sam leaves just as the police arrive..

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FORTY MINUTES LATER

Glen has returned. He looks out the window as Dave is dropped off by a police car. Dave enters and says nothing. The letters are on the kitchen counter in front of Glen. He knows. Dave looks at Glen.

GLEN

Lotta bad news. Really bad. Sorry pal. Glad you’re ok.

Dave just stares at Glen. Glen holds up the letter from Tall Pines College.

GLEN

Maybe you should reconsider?

Dave says nothing, walks to his room and flops on the bed, exhausted.

INT. BUD’S PAWN SHOP, GLOUCESTER, MA, MID-MORNING, SUNNY

Dave enters. Behind the counter is BUD, a retired cop and keen judge of human nature. Dave puts his helmet and the engagement ring on the glass countertop.

BUD

You’re the kid who crashed your… Kawasaki was it?, on 128 the other day? Glad to see you’re ok. Cops said they thought it was a miracle.

DAVE

Can’t argue with that. Was nothing I did. I wasn’t thinking straight.

BUD

(picks up the ring)

This have anything to do with it?

DAVE

Yup. Good guess.

BUD

Pawn it or sell it? (pulls out a jewelers loupe and examines it)

DAVE

What’s the difference?

BUD

You pawn it, I lend you money and hold the ring as collateral. You pay back the money in time, you get it back. You sell it, I give you money and I own it. I can give you more if you sell it.

DAVE

I never want to see it again, so I guess I want to sell it. What about the helmet, what can I get for it?

BUD

You gonna get back on the horse?

DAVE

Haven’t decided.

BUD

Then hold on to it. It’s a good helmet and I couldn’t give you half what you paid for it. (pause) There’s one other possibility.

DAVE

What’s that?

BUD

Follow me.

Bud leads Dave past rows of shelves filled with all manner of fascinating items, then into a large room with a garage door at the opposite end. He stops at a big something under a tarp that drapes all the way to the floor. Bud stops.

BUD

A trade…

In a single smooth gesture, he sweeps the tarp off, revealing a flawlessly restored 1975 Moto Guzzi Eldorado.

Dave’s eyebrows rise in surprise and admiration.

EXT. MASS RT 2W, 2MI TO NY, MID-MORNING, SUNNY, NO TRAFFIC

A lone motorcycle approaches. It’s Dave on the Moto Guzzi. A breakup song, like the Eagles “Already Gone” or Peter, Paul & Mary’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” starts playing in the background. Dave sings along, then impulsively stands on the pegs, arms out as if flying…

DAVE

Oops, no more of that foolishness.

Dave plunks back down and resumes singing.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 11: Act 1 Turning Point

What I learned was, this is harder than it looks. I think that breaking these lessons down into small steps forces us to step back from the wordsmithing urge, but it will take PRACTICE. I also learned that posting a cut-and-paste document removes all tabs, so don’t bother trying to make it look like a real script.

Outline and write Act 1 Turning Point

Outline:

INT. EDDIE’S PAWN SHOP, GLOUCESTER, MA, LATE MORNING

BEGINNING: Dave walks in with the engagement ring and his helmet. Puts them on the counter in front of the owner, EDDIE, a retired cop and keen judge of human nature.

MIDDLE: Eddie knows about Dave’s crash from the local cops. They have a conversation. The helmet’s not worth much, but the ring is valuable.

END: Eddie plays a hunch and takes Dave out back and whips the cover off a stunning 1975 Moto Guzzi Eldorado touring motorcycle. Dave’s eyebrows go up.

EXT. ROUTE 2, WESTERN MASS, 5 DAYS LATER, MID-MORNING, CLEAR, NO TRAFFIC

BEGINNING: A lone motorcycle approaches.

MIDDLE: As it gets close we see it’s Dave on the Moto Guzzi. A triumphant or thoughtful breakup song, like the Eagles “Already Gone” or Peter, Paul & Marys’ “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” starts playing in the background.

END: Dave stands on the pegs, arms out as if flying, sits right back down.

SCRIPT:

INT. EDDIE’S PAWN SHOP, GLOUCESTER, MA, MID-MORNING, SUNNY

Dave enters. Behind the counter is EDDIE, a retired cop and keen judge of human nature. Dave puts his helmet and the engagement ring on the glass countertop.

EDDIE

You’re the kid who crashed your, Kawasaki was it? on 128 the

other day? Glad to see you’re ok. Cops told me they thought it

was a miracle.

DAVE

Something like that maybe. It was nothing I did, I know that.

I was nuts at the time.

EDDIE

(picks up the ring)

This have anything to do with it?

DAVE

Good guess.

EDDIE

Pawn it or sell it? (pulls out a jewelers loupe and examines it)

DAVE

What’s the difference?

EDDIE

You pawn it, I lend you money and hold the ring as collateral.

You pay back the money in time, you get it back. You sell it, I

give you money and I own it. I can give you more if you sell it.

DAVE

I never want to see it again, so I guess I want to sell it. What

about the helmet, what can I get for it? There’s no cooties in

it or nothing.

EDDIE

You through riding?

DAVE

Haven’t decided.

EDDIE

Then hold on to it. It’s a nice helmet and I couldn’t give you half

what you paid for it. (a beat) There’s one other possibility.

DAVE

What?

EDDIE

Follow me.

Eddie leads Dave past rows of shelves filled with all manner of fascinating items, then into a large room with a garage door at the opposite end. He stops at a big something under a tarp that drapes all the way to the floor. Eddie stops.

EDDIE

A trade…

In a single flamboyant gesture, he sweeps the tarp off, revealing a flawlessly restored 1975 Moto Guzzi Eldorado.

Dave’s eyebrows rise in amazement and admiration.

EXT. MA ROUTE 2W, 2MI TO NY, MID-MORNING, SUNNY NO TRAFFIC

A lone motorcycle approaches. It’s Dave on the Moto Guzzi. A breakup song, like the Eagles “Already Gone” or Peter, Paul & Marys’ “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” starts playing in the background. Dave is singing along, then impulsively stands on the pegs, arms out as if flying…

DAVE

Oops, no more of that foolishness.

Dave sits back down, resumes singing.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 10: Act 1 Inciting Incident

Outline and write Key Scenes 2 & 3.

BEAT SHEET

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT, AFTER GRADUATION CEREMONY

The mail came – three letters that will change Dave’s life. He opens the first – a scholarship offer – drops it in the wastebasket. The second – he’s not getting the job. The third, his fiance has dumped him. He flies into a rage, flings the letters and storms out the front door.

EXT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – ONE MINUTE LATER

Dave jumps on his motorcycle and roars off like a maniac.

EXT. ROUTE 128, MANCHESTER, MA, NORTHBOUND – MINUTES LATER

Dave races through traffic at terrifying speed. He makes a foolish error and a half second from certain death is rescued by an angel riding a motorcycle.

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – ONE HOUR LATER

Glen sees Dave dropped off by the police. Dave enters. It’s evident Glen has read Dave’s mail.

<hr>

OUTLINE

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT, AFTER GRADUATION CEREMONY

BEGINNING: Glen is out. Dave swaggers in, smug and full of himself, 10ft tall and bulletproof.

MIDDLE: He picks up the three envelopes. He opens the first. Tall Pines College in Northern California, offers him a full graduate scholarship and teaching fellowship. He tosses it aside. The second is from MegaFace, ‘regretfully’ withdrawing their offer of employment. He’s stunned. He opens the third, from his fiance, basically saying that the wedding is off and she’s gotten engaged to Dave’s old HS friend. He turns the envelope over and an engagement ring falls out, hitting the counter with a thud.

END: He goes from shocked to devastated to enraged. He flings the letters away, kicks over the wastebasket, and storms out, slamming the door as hard as he can. He snatches the ‘For Sale’ sign off the Kawasaki motorcycle on the lawn, starts the engine and roars off like a rocket.

EXT. ROUTE 128, MANCHESTER, MA, NORTHBOUND – MINUTES LATER

BEGINNING: Dave races down the highway at insane speeds, weaving in and out of traffic.

MIDDLE: He yells, screams and tailgates a minivan in the passing lane that won’t get out of the way fast enough. It finally moves to the middle lane only to reveal the back of a slow-moving truck that just lumbered onto the highway from a utility vehicle turnaround. Dave is literally a half second from death, with no possible escape. Suddenly another figure on a motorcycle, Sam, races past and snatches Dave off his bike just before it hits the truck and explodes in flames.

END: Dave and Sam are sitting at the side of the road, joined by the family in the minivan and the driver of the truck. In a moment when others are occupied, Sam leans in and tells Dave he’s an angel, sent to protect him. Sam leaves just as the police arrive.

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FORTY MINUTES LATER

BEGINNING: Glen has returned. He looks out the window as Dave is dropped off by a police car. Dave enters and says nothing. The letters are on the kitchen counter in front of Glen. He knows. Dave glares at Glen.

MIDDLE: Glen holds up the previously discarded letter from Tall Pines College and says maybe Dave should reconsider.

END: Dave ignores him, walks to his room and flops on the bed, exhausted.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 9: Act 1 Opening and Character Introductions

What I learned doing this assignment is that writing fast is a very deliberate, intentional undertaking, and it will take practice to get any good at it.

Opening scene, featuring the Antagonist —

FADE IN

INT. MARY’S WAFFLE STOP, ELKO NEVADA – MORNING

Six men from various backgrounds sit around a table at a breakfast diner. They are DON, DIEGO, SAM, CURTIS, LEN and the leader, JOE. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation.

JOE

Each of you guys have new clients, and you’ve been briefed on what to expect. And we all know from experience that things always go the way we expect (pause) about half the time. If that. There’s always something comes up that you don’t expect.

Several of them nod in agreement.

JOE

And above all, don’t reveal yourself unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. That makes things very complicated. Ask me how I know.

LEN

How do you know?

JOE

Actually, don’t ask… it’s just an expression.

LEN (nods)

Gotcha.

Joe points to Len approvingly.

JOE

Good use of slang though, very good! When someone says “Ask me how I know” It’s just to suggest they learned something the hard way. OK, enough on how strange the English language is. Sam, where you headed this time?

SAM

Massachusetts, near the ocean. A college graduation Saturday morning.

A nosy guy at the next table has been eavesdropping. He turns to Sam and says…

NOSY GUY

It’s Thursday now. There’s no way you can possibly get from here all the way to Massachusetts by Saturday morning. No freaking way.

SAM

I have a fast motorcycle, and don’t sleep… err, much. I’ll make it.

NOSY GUY

Yeah, maybe if you go 180 and don’t get stopped by the police, which you will, I can assure you.

SAM

Nope, regular highway speeds, nothing flagrant. I’ll get there in time, no problemo.

EXT. MARY’S WAFFLE STOP – A FEW MINUTES LATER

The six leave the diner, headed for their vehicles. They make their goodbyes, and Sam heads over to a sleek Suzuki road bike, meant for all day riding at any speed. He pulls on his helmet, mounts the bike and takes off, effortless and smooth.

SERIES OF SHOTS AS SAM TRAVELS ON THE HIGHWAY

— One after another he passes signs announcing that you’re entering a new state. As day fades into night and night gives way to day, he continues passing these signs.

— Crossing from Ohio to Pennsylvania, he pulls off the highway and stops at an ice cream stand for a cone. While there, two little children, no more than five or six, are drawn to his motorcycle, then to him (he loves children and they love him). There’s also a scary-looking Doberman on a leash. Sam approaches him and the dog lights up with happiness. The dog’s owner is amazed.

— Back on the road, Sam crosses Pennsylvania, the lower corner of New York, Connecticut – all denoted by “Welcome To” signs. After entering Massachusetts, the signs denoting his progress become more frequent. Finally he exits Rt 128 for Summit College and turns at a sign reading “Welcome to Summit College Commencement”. The weather is gorgeous. The parking lot is filling up, the place is abuzz with people. Sam parks his motorcycle and looks for a seat.

Introducing… the Protagonist:

EXT. SUMMIT COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT – MORNING, SUNNY

DAVE CARLSON is talking with classmates LARRY and LISA. All are dressed in cap and gown.

LARRY

Dave, I hear you got a job offer at MegaFace! That’s awesome!

DAVE

Yeah, baby! I snagged an internship there and they liked me so much they’re putting me in their new marketing research department. Who says a degree in Anthropology won’t pay off? I got me a seat on the Space Shuttle and I’ma ride that rocket into orbit! (leans in) …and stock options when they go public. Booyah!

LISA

And you’re getting married too, right?

DAVE

Yep, Linda and I get hitched in September, then honeymoon in Vegas. It’ll be awesome!

LARRY

Hey, I admire you. Great job, beautiful bride. You’re one lucky guy!

DAVE

Hard work, late nights, and focus, man! Luck’s got nothing to do with it.

The “five minutes to showtime, line up now” horn sounds, punctuating Dave’s remark.

DAVE

Whelp, gotta go. Nice talking to yah.

Dave spins and walks off. Larry calls to him as he melts into the crowd.

LARRY

Right… Well, we’ll look for your name in the papers then!

LISA

What an ass!

LARRY

Agreed. Nobody I know will miss him. We’d better go get in line.

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s High Speed Beat Sheet v2

What I learned from this assignment is that I may have hinted at the theme early on in the Commencement Day Speech. Perhaps I’ll sharpen it up by adding a quote from Mark Twain, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.”

The main beats of the Antagonist’s story:

We see Sam with his fellow angels before they go on their separate assignments. Sam’s earthly persona is that of a fairly nondescript Brit of working class background who enjoys motorcycling. We learn that he’s heading East to a college graduation.

When Dave goes on a self-destructive motorcycle ride after receiving his bad news, Sam miraculously saves him from certain death.

After Dave decides to follow the path left open to him, Sam reveals himself (as an angel), and his mission, to Dave and accompanies him to his destination.

When Dave’s motorcycle is damaged and being repaired, Sam and Dave stop in a small, very old town in the Nevada desert, not found on any map. There Dave experiences a brief conjunction between Heaven and Earth that has a profound effect on him.

Sam presents Dave with the option of clearing out an evil, demon-infested place in the desert at some risk to Dave (and which they cannot do without him), or taking the safer long way around, and leaving it intact.

While at their final stop for gas, as Dave goes into the store for a Yoo-Hoo, Sam disappears, leaving a note behind saying that Dave can now go the rest of the way without him.

SLIGHTLY UPDATED BEAT SHEET:

ACT 1

INT. DINER, VERY SMALL TOWN IN RURAL NEVADA – DAY

Six men, their appearance suggests they’re from a variety of backgrounds, are at a round table having breakfast. Their discussion reveals that each has a different assignment. One of them, dressed for motorcycle touring, says he’s headed to Massachusetts for a college graduation.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT IN MANCHESTER, MA – DAY

Two roommates, Dave and Glen, are talking. Dave is graduating today, and about to leave. Glen holds up 3 letters that were delivered while Dave was getting ready, and says that one of them smells nice. Dave says he knows who it’s from, and he’ll open them when he gets back, and dashes out the door. Glen feels a round object in the envelope and looks concerned.

EXT. OUTDOOR GRASSY AREA, SUMMIT COLLEGE, WENHAM, MA, CHAIRS AND PLATFORM SET UP FOR COMMENCEMENT – DAY

While preparing for their procession, Dave and some of his friends discuss their plans. Dave, a life- long ‘planner’, tells them he’s not only getting married to his High School sweetheart, but he’s been offered a job, with equity, at the social networking company, MegaFace, that’s been in the news lately for their spectacular growth. They all express admiration and envy, but when he leaves, one of them calls him an ass and the others nod in agreement.

The commencement speaker, a famous lawyer, tells the graduates he wishes them not only success, but enough adversity, hardship, setbacks, and unfairness to develop compassion and a sense of justice.

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FOUR HOURS LATER

Glen is gone. Dave picks up the three envelopes. He opens the first, from Tall Pines College in Northern California, offering him a full graduate scholarship. He tosses it aside. The second is from MegaFace, ‘regretfully’ withdrawing their offer of employment. He’s shocked. He opens the third, from his fiance, basically saying that the wedding is off and she’s gotten engaged to Dave’s oldest friend, the son of a man who owns six large automobile dealerships. He turns the envelope over and an engagement ring falls out, hitting the counter with a thud. He’s gone from shocked to devastated.

EXT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – SAME TIME

Dave comes storming out, snatches the ‘For Sale’ sign off the Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle on the lawn, starts the engine and roars off like a rocket.

EXT. ROUTE 128, MANCHESTER, MA, NORTHBOUND – MINUTES LATER

Dave races down the highway at insane speeds, weaving in and out of traffic, then swerves around a minivan that won’t get out of the way fast enough, only to find himself heading straight for the back of a slow-moving truck that just lumbered onto the highway from a utility vehicle turnaround. In a split second, another figure on a motorcycle, Sam, races past and snatches Dave off his bike just before it hits the truck and explodes in flames.

Immediately after, Dave and Sam are sitting at the side of the road, joined by the family in the minivan, and the driver of the truck. Everyone has a different account of what they saw, the children’s stories are most accurate, but the adults dismiss them as fanciful because they’re clearly ‘impossible’. In a moment when others are occupied, Sam leans in and tells Dave he’s his guardian angel, for a while, anyway. He promises to catch up with him later, but leaves just as the police arrive..

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FORTY MINUTES LATER

Glen has returned. He looks out the window as Dave is dropped off by a police car. Dave enters and tells Glen everything that happened. Glen holds up the previously discarded letter from Tall Pines College and says maybe Dave should reconsider. Dave flops on the couch, exhausted.

INT. JOE’S PAWN SHOP, GLOUCESTER, MA – NEXT DAY, AFTERNOON

Dave puts the engagement ring on the counter, along with his expensive motorcycle helmet. Joe, a retired cop with perceptive people skills, chats with Dave and examines the ring. He’s heard about Dave’s close call and takes him out back where he pulls the cover off a beautiful, fully-restored ‘73 Moto Guzzi (rhymes with Gucci) Eldorado touring motorcycle. A genuine classic.

ACT 2

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN MA ROUTE 2, MID-DAY, 3 DAYS LATER., SUNNY & CLEAR.

Dave is riding the Eldorado, now loaded for a trip. A triumphant break-up song, similar to the Eagles’ “Already Gone” is playing. As the song concludes, he pulls into a diner for lunch.

INT. ROADSIDE DINER, NOON, SAME DAY.

Dave sits at a booth looking at a menu. Sam comes in. Dave recognizes him from the other day. They have a conversation where Sam reveals more about his mission. From then on he accompanies Dave on his journey.

INT. BIKER BAR/ROADHOUSE SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN PA, SAME DAY, EARLY EVENING

Sam and Dave are having dinner. Dave asks about Sam’s appearance. Sam says he can look many different ways and demonstrates, switching from Mr. America, to a soldier, to a famous movie star, etc, but says he prefers the way he looks now. They finish their dinner, Dave leaves to use the men’s room, Sam leaves a tip and takes the check to the cashier. Dave returns from the men’s room and sees a gorgeous, buxom biker chick in Sam’s seat. He assumes it’s Sam again, showing off. Dave sits, gives her a slow once-over and expresses his admiration. A hand on his shoulder distracts him. It’s Sam. He tells Dave it’s time to go, and also apologizes to the woman’s bad-ass biker boyfriend who just appeared and looks ready to punch Dave out. Sam and Dave leave quickly.

EXT. EATON BAPTIST CHURCH, EATON OH, SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SUNNY

At the softball game, Sam is encouraged to participate. In the bottom of the last inning, they’re behind, 6-5, two men on base, with Sam at bat. He hits a line drive straight into the glove of the

clumsiest guy on the opposing team, ending the game. As the ball field clears out, Dave tells Sam he thought he could hit better than that, Sam picks up a bat and ball and points to the Al’s Root Beer sign atop the outfield wall and tells him to pick an ‘o’. Dave picks the first one and Sam tosses the ball in the air, swings, and drives the ball clean through the center of the ‘o’. Dave says “you can do that, but you couldn’t hit over the head of the second baseman?” Sam explains that the man who caught the ball looked like he was having a serious self-confidence crisis and afraid he’d disappoint his wife and kids yet again. But now he was the hero of the game, and why couldn’t Dave be happy for him and his family, and besides, isn’t the point of church sports to have fun? Dave says “You did that intentionally?” “Yup, seemed like a good idea at the time. Still does.” Dave reluctantly agrees.

Dave wants to see Sam do it again, through the other ‘o’. Sam obliges. The ball sails through, just like the first time, then they hear a loud ‘crack’. They go to the parking lot and discover that the ball hit the windshield of an old car, and the owner is giving a “I don’t need another thing to fix on this old junker” speech. Just then a guy comes up to the owner and asks if the car’s for sale and offers him $3,000 for it because the body is so good. Dave looks at Sam and asks if this was his doing. Sam shrugs.

EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE, RURAL KANSAS, 3 DAYS LATER, AFTERNOON, SUNNY AND WINDY

Crossing Kansas, they stop at a small gas station outside a small city. After getting gas they go in for refreshments. There’s a Weather Channel report of an incredibly fast developing tornado just outside the city they’re near, centered on their location. The sky darkens ominously and it looks like a funnel cloud will form and drop down exactly where they are. The other occupants of the gas station begin to panic, but Sam tells everyone to stay put and they’ll be all right. The funnel cloud passes over, and indeed somehow never touches the gas station, which almost seems to be in a bubble. Everyone is of course relieved and kind of amazed. As they watch, the funnel cloud moves directly towards the city. Dave asks Sam why he doesn’t do anything about it. Sam answers that his mission is to protect him, wherever he happens to be, and he can’t just go around doing whatever he wants. Dave, angry, gets on his motorcycle and heads straight towards the funnel cloud. Sam shrugs, closes his eyes, folds his hands, and as Dave nears the funnel cloud, it evaporates in less than a minute, as though it was never there. Dave returns and Sam says, “Well played”.

INT. STUCKEYS, WEST OF LAS VEGAS, LATE AFTERNOON, CLEAR

On a remote road west of Vegas they stop at a Stuckey’s for gas and coffee. On the way to the register they poke through the gift shop. Dave notices Sam glaring at a display of sappy angel figurines, and quips “Pity they don’t have any wearing little biker outfits.” Sam shakes his head, grabs a few postcards and heads for the register. A tiny TV showing Wheel of Fortune is interrupted with breaking news of the CEO of MegaFace being arrested for fraud and embezzlement.

ACT 3

EXT. DARK DESERT HIGHWAY, 11PM, NIGHT, CLEAR

An old pickup truck a mile ahead of Dave and Sam hits a pothole and a roofing nail bounces out. Dave picks up the nail in his tire, which blows and nearly throws him off the bike, though he is able to

come to a stop still upright. They decide to camp under the stars and deal with the problem the next day. While Dave is sleeping, another angel (or two) visits Sam and they have a conversation we cannot hear.

EXT. OLD TOWN THAT APPEARS ON NO MAPS, DUSK, CLEAR

Sam takes Dave to the outskirts of town where a field is set up for a big gathering, with lots of tables,

chairs, a dance floor and a stage, all surrounded by lights. As dusk begins to fall, food is brought out. People arrive in groups of various sizes, including quite a few elderly dressed as people did in the 40’s and 50’s (varsity sweaters, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, etc) which Dave finds amusing. After everyone has eaten, the big lights come on, and a band has assembled on the stage. No sooner do

they begin playing when the dance floor is crowded with people dancing incredibly well. Dave walks to the edge of the dance floor for a better view and Sam joins him. Soon a really cute girl, Kathy, in a pink sweater and poodle skirt comes up to Dave and reaches for his hand. He hesitates, but Sam encourages him to try anyway. Sure enough, Dave and Kathy are natural partners and tear up the dance floor for hours. Dave is having the time of his life. Just after they stop at the punch bowl for refreshment, a bell sounds and Kathy suddenly seems anxious to leave. Dave asks why, but she begs off, thanking him for dancing with her. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and runs off. Dave notices many people seem to be leaving. Sam joins him and Dave asks what’s going on. He says “Just the end of the evening. We need to go, too.”

After they get their jackets and are walking back, Dave notices a frail-looking woman in a wheelchair, dressed in a pink sweater and poodle skirt. The woman is staring at him, and when their eyes meet, she suddenly looks away. Dave looks at Sam, bewildered. Sam nods in answer to Dave’s unspoken question. Dave goes over to her, takes her hand, they speak, Dave gives her a kiss on the cheek, and walks back to Sam. He comments that this is a very unusual place. Sam agrees.

EXT. 80 MILES EAST, UNKNOWN ROAD, WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT, DARK, COLD, STARRY SKY

They are on the edge of a dry lake bed, surrounded by low hills. This is an intensely evil place, infested with demon spirits, and they must cross it. Sam and Dave are joined by six ‘special forces’ angels. Because he’s human, Dave’s presence will draw out the demons, thirsty for blood. Dave is offered the option of going around rather than crossing, but they cannot defeat the demons that way. He chooses to cross. They race across, in formation, the angels fighting off the demons, but are nearly overwhelmed. They are joined by reinforcements from above, and the demons are wiped out.

CONCLUSION

It ends with Sam and Dave stopping at a convenience store in California, right before the turn that will take Dave to his new school. Dave goes in and comes out with a cold Yoo-Hoo. His ‘girly’ bike is gone and his Moto-Guzzi is back, keys in the ignition, and a note thanking Dave for the best vacation

ever. While he’s reading the note, a cute, short-haired, athletic-looking girl comes out of the store, stops and says, “That’s a really nice bike!” – “Thanks, I really like it!” She keeps walking and gets into a small pickup with luggage and boxes in the back, looks back at Dave with a big smile and says “Maybe someday!” Closes the door and says, “See ya!” As she drives off Dave notices the truck has a fresh new bumper sticker “Follow Me to Tall Pines College”.

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What I learned from this assignment is that it takes a lot of time to write fast, mainly because I started from a level closer to a treatment than from a concept. Not the best approach in retrospect. Also I had a buttload of unexpected and unrelated work to do, and oral surgery to boot! But maybe, just maybe, this is what it’s like —occasionally— for a professional writer, so why not accept it?

ACT 1

INT. DINER, VERY SMALL TOWN IN RURAL NEVADA – DAY

Six men, their appearance suggests they’re from a variety of backgrounds, are at a round table having breakfast. Their discussion reveals that each has a different assignment. One of them, dressed for motorcycle touring, says he’s headed to Massachusetts for a college graduation.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT IN MANCHESTER, MA – DAY

Two roommates, Dave and Glen, are talking. Dave is graduating today, and about to leave. Glen holds up 3 letters that were delivered while Dave was getting ready, and says that one of them smells nice. Dave says he knows who it’s from, and he’ll open them when he gets back, and dashes out the door. Glen feels a round object in the envelope and looks concerned.

EXT. OUTDOOR GRASSY AREA, SUMMIT COLLEGE, WENHAM, MA, CHAIRS AND PLATFORM SET UP FOR COMMENCEMENT – DAY

While preparing for their procession, Dave and some of his friends discuss their plans. Dave, a life- long ‘planner’, tells them he’s not only getting married to his High School sweetheart, but he’s been offered a job, with equity, at the social networking company, MegaFace, that’s been in the news lately for their spectacular growth. They all express admiration and envy, but when he leaves, one of them calls him an ass and the others nod in agreement.

The commencement speaker, a famous lawyer, tells the graduates he wishes them not only success, but enough adversity, hardship, setbacks, and unfairness to develop compassion and a sense of justice.

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FOUR HOURS LATER

Glen is gone. Dave picks up the three envelopes. He opens the first, from Tall Pines College in Northern California, offering him a full graduate scholarship. He tosses it aside. The second is from MegaFace, ‘regretfully’ withdrawing their offer of employment. He’s shocked. He opens the third, from his fiance, basically saying that the wedding is off and she’s gotten engaged to Dave’s oldest friend, the son of a man who owns six large automobile dealerships. He turns the envelope over and an engagement ring falls out, hitting the counter with a thud. He’s gone from shocked to devastated.

EXT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – SAME TIME

Dave comes storming out, snatches the ‘For Sale’ sign off the Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle on the lawn, starts the engine and roars off like a rocket.

EXT. ROUTE 128, MANCHESTER, MA, NORTHBOUND – MINUTES LATER

Dave races down the highway at insane speeds, weaving in and out of traffic, then swerves around a minivan that won’t get out of the way fast enough, only to find himself heading straight for the back of a slow-moving truck that just lumbered onto the highway from a utility vehicle turnaround. In a split second, another figure on a motorcycle, Sam, races past and snatches Dave off his bike just before it hits the truck and explodes in flames.

Immediately after, Dave and Sam are sitting at the side of the road, joined by the family in the minivan, and the driver of the truck. Everyone has a different account of what they saw, the children’s stories are most accurate, but the adults dismiss them as fanciful because they’re clearly ‘impossible’. In a moment when others are occupied, Sam leans in and tells Dave he’s his guardian angel, for a while, anyway. He promises to catch up with him later, but leaves just as the police arrive..

INT. BACK AT DAVE’S APARTMENT – FORTY MINUTES LATER

Glen has returned. He looks out the window as Dave is dropped off by a police car. Dave enters and tells Glen everything that happened. Glen holds up the previously discarded letter from Tall Pines College and says maybe Dave should reconsider. Dave flops on the couch, exhausted.

INT. JOE’S PAWN SHOP, GLOUCESTER, MA – NEXT DAY, AFTERNOON

Dave puts the engagement ring on the counter, along with his expensive motorcycle helmet. Joe, a retired cop with perceptive people skills, chats with Dave and examines the ring. He’s heard about Dave’s close call and takes him out back where he pulls the cover off a beautiful, fully-restored ‘73 Moto Guzzi (rhymes with Gucci) Eldorado touring motorcycle. A genuine classic.

ACT 2

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN MA ROUTE 2, MID-DAY, 3 DAYS LATER., SUNNY & CLEAR.

Dave is riding the Eldorado, now loaded for a trip. A triumphant break-up song, similar to the Eagles’ “Already Gone” is playing. As the song concludes, he pulls into a diner for lunch.

INT. ROADSIDE DINER, NOON, SAME DAY.

Dave sits at a booth looking at a menu. Sam comes in. Dave recognizes him from the other day. They have a conversation where Sam reveals more about his mission. From then on he accompanies Dave on his journey.

INT. BIKER BAR/ROADHOUSE SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN PA, SAME DAY, EARLY EVENING

Sam and Dave are having dinner. Dave asks about Sam’s appearance. Sam says he can look many different ways and demonstrates, switching from Mr. America, to a soldier, to a famous movie star, etc, but says he prefers the way he looks now. They finish their dinner, Dave leaves to use the men’s room, Sam leaves a tip and takes the check to the cashier. Dave returns from the men’s room and sees a gorgeous, buxom biker chick in Sam’s seat. He assumes it’s Sam again, showing off. Dave sits, gives her a slow once-over and expresses his admiration. A hand on his shoulder distracts him. It’s Sam. He tells Dave it’s time to go, and also apologizes to the woman’s bad-ass biker boyfriend who just appeared and looks ready to punch Dave out. Sam and Dave leave quickly.

EXT. EATON BAPTIST CHURCH, EATON OH, SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SUNNY

At the softball game, Sam is encouraged to participate. In the bottom of the last inning, they’re behind, 6-5, two men on base, with Sam at bat. He hits a line drive straight into the glove of the

clumsiest guy on the opposing team, ending the game. As the ball field clears out, Dave tells Sam he thought he could hit better than that, Sam picks up a bat and ball and points to the Al’s Root Beer sign atop the outfield wall and tells him to pick an ‘o’. Dave picks the first one and Sam tosses the ball in the air, swings, and drives the ball clean through the center of the ‘o’. Dave says “you can do that, but you couldn’t hit over the head of the second baseman?” Sam explains that the man who caught the ball looked like he was having a serious self-confidence crisis and afraid he’d disappoint his wife and kids yet again. But now he was the hero of the game, and why couldn’t Dave be happy for him and his family, and besides, isn’t the point of church sports to have fun? Dave says “You did that intentionally?” “Yup, seemed like a good idea at the time. Still does.” Dave reluctantly agrees.

Dave wants to see Sam do it again, through the other ‘o’. Sam obliges. The ball sails through, just like the first time, then they hear a loud ‘crack’. They go to the parking lot and discover that the ball hit the windshield of an old car, and the owner is giving a “I don’t need another thing to fix on this old junker” speech. Just then a guy comes up to the owner and asks if the car’s for sale and offers him $3,000 for it because the body is so good. Dave looks at Sam and asks if this was his doing. Sam shrugs.

EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE, RURAL KANSAS, 3 DAYS LATER, AFTERNOON, SUNNY AND WINDY

Crossing Kansas, they stop at a small gas station outside a small city. After getting gas they go in for refreshments. There’s a Weather Channel report of an incredibly fast developing tornado just outside the city they’re near, centered on their location. The sky darkens ominously and it looks like a funnel cloud will form and drop down exactly where they are. The other occupants of the gas station begin to panic, but Sam tells everyone to stay put and they’ll be all right. The funnel cloud passes over, and indeed somehow never touches the gas station, which almost seems to be in a bubble. Everyone is of course relieved and kind of amazed. As they watch, the funnel cloud moves directly towards the city. Dave asks Sam why he doesn’t do anything about it. Sam answers that his mission is to protect him, wherever he happens to be, and he can’t just go around doing whatever he wants. Dave, angry, gets on his motorcycle and heads straight towards the funnel cloud. Sam shrugs, closes his eyes, folds his hands, and as Dave nears the funnel cloud, it evaporates in less than a minute, as though it was never there. Dave returns and Sam says, “Well played”.

INT. STUCKEYS, WEST OF LAS VEGAS, LATE AFTERNOON, CLEAR

On a remote road west of Vegas they stop at a Stuckey’s for gas and coffee. On the way to the register they poke through the gift shop. Dave notices Sam glaring at a display of sappy angel figurines, and quips “Pity they don’t have any wearing little biker outfits.” Sam shakes his head, grabs a few postcards and heads for the register. A tiny TV showing Wheel of Fortune is interrupted with breaking news of the CEO of MegaFace being arrested for fraud and embezzlement.

EXT. DARK DESERT HIGHWAY, 11PM, NIGHT, CLEAR

An old pickup truck a mile ahead of Dave and Sam hits a pothole and a roofing nail bounces out. Dave picks up the nail in his tire, which blows and nearly throws him off the bike, though he is able to

come to a stop still upright. They decide to camp under the stars and deal with the problem the next day. While Dave is sleeping, another angel (or two) visits Sam and they have a conversation we cannot hear.

EXT. OLD TOWN THAT APPEARS ON NO MAPS, DUSK, CLEAR

Sam takes Dave to the outskirts of town where a field is set up for a big gathering, with lots of tables,

chairs, a dance floor and a stage, all surrounded by lights. As dusk begins to fall, food is brought out. People arrive in groups of various sizes, including quite a few elderly dressed as people did in the 40’s and 50’s (varsity sweaters, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, etc) which Dave finds amusing. After everyone has eaten, the big lights come on, and a band has assembled on the stage. No sooner do

they begin playing when the dance floor is crowded with people dancing incredibly well. Dave walks to the edge of the dance floor for a better view, and Sam joins him. Soon a really cute girl, Kathy, in a pink sweater and poodle skirt comes up to Dave and reaches for his hand. He hesitates, but Sam encourages him to try anyway. Sure enough, Dave and Kathy tear up the dance floor for hours. Dave is having the time of his life. Just after they stop at the punch bowl for refreshment, a bell sounds and Kathy seems anxious to leave. Dave asks why, but she begs off, thanking him for dancing with her. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and runs off. Dave notices many people seem to be leaving. Sam joins him and Dave asks what’s going on. He says “Just the end of the evening. We need to go, too.”

After they get their jackets and are walking back, Dave notices a frail-looking woman in a wheelchair, dressed in a pink sweater and poodle skirt. The woman is staring at him, and when their eyes meet, she suddenly looks away. Dave looks at Sam, bewildered. Sam nods in answer to Dave’s unspoken question. Dave goes over to her, takes her hand, they speak, Dave gives her a kiss on the cheek, and walks back to Sam. He comments that this is a very unusual place. Sam agrees.

EXT. 80 MILES EAST, UNKNOWN ROAD, WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT, DARK, COLD, STARRY SKY

They are on the edge of a dry lake bed, surrounded by low hills. This is an intensely evil place, infested with demon spirits, and they must cross it. Sam and Dave are joined by six ‘special forces’ angels. Because he’s human, Dave’s presence will draw out the demons, thirsty for blood. Dave is offered the option of going around rather than crossing, but they cannot defeat the demons that way. He chooses to cross. They race across, in formation, the angels fighting off the demons, but are nearly overwhelmed. They are joined by reinforcements from above, and the demons are wiped out.

[Ed Preston]

Jeanne,

I only just noticed your post from a while back. While you’re not the only one left, but it does seem rather sparse around here after those website issues. I wouldn’t be surprised if the others who signed up with us before this glitch aren’t wondering where WE went!

-Ed

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 6: Transformational Events

Ed’s Transformational Events

What I learned doing this assignment is that ideas will present themselves randomly, and when put in order of steps that can change the character, provide the ‘meat’ of the story.

Make a list of 6 – 8 changes or steps that need to happen for that character to go from who they are in the beginning to who they are in the ending.

Needs a foreshadowing from someone wiser and more experienced than himself, so that when ‘disaster’ strikes, he might be able, in retrospect, to recognize it.

Needs to have his carefully built but misguided plans fail early and drastically.

Needs a glimmer of hope, an open door, to his genuine purpose and destiny, to present itself, like a star to follow.

Needs an eventful road trip and a companion so that not every thought that passes through his mind is not a reflection of his preconceived assumptions, but shaped by the presence and perspective of another.

Needs to be encouraged, even prompted, to step outside of his comfort zone, either a little or a lot, and discover the rewards for doing so.

Needs to ultimately realize that success is not the acquiring of ‘stuff’ — items on a list — but the ongoing pursuit of the good of others.

5. Brainstorm dramatic events or tests that could cause those changes for the character.

The third letter Dave opens on graduation day contains an offer of a full scholarship and position as a teaching assistant at a West coast school — his glimmer of hope.

After Dave swaps the engagement ring for a touring motorcycle and starts heading West, Sam catches up with him at a diner and explains his assignment and offers to accompany him to his destination. Nearly every stop along the way offers him a chance to transform into the man he needs to be.

Dave stops in Ohio at his parents’ house. He explains the betrayal he feels towards his ex-fiance and his former best friend. He’s also presented with an opportunity for a good-paying job at the tire factory, but refuses it and disappoints his parents.

Further west, they stop at a roadside, live music jazz joint, and Dave is surprised to discover that the lead singer actually knows Sam, and he begins to think there must be even more to this guy than meets the eye.

Dave and Sam stop to visit his aunt and uncle and are invited to join their church softball game. In the last inning the score is tied and Sam (intentionally, it turns out) hits a line drive right into the glove of an opposing player, causing their team to lose. Dave is irritated, but learns Sam had a very good reason for it.

Further on they stop at a roadhouse popular with motorcycle riders, especially bikers, and have a run-in with a bunch of bikers because the leader’s girlfriend takes a liking to Sam’s unique helmet and wants it. Sam refuses, but easily deals with the leader and his entire gang in a unique way.

After reaching Las Vegas, they stop at an all-you-can-eat rib joint, run into a couple more of Sam’s friends. While Dave is in the men’s room, the biker gang has spotted their rides in the parking lot and is waiting for them. A different sort of angel intervention saves them again.

On a dark desert highway after leaving Las Vegas, Dave runs over a roofing nail and gets a flat. They camp just off the road. After Dave falls asleep, several angels visit Sam. They talk, but we can’t hear the conversation. In the morning a pickup truck arrives to take Dave’s motorcycle to be repaired. They stop at an unusual town, not on any map, that looks like it hasn’t changed in 100 years. Later that evening, they experience a convergence between Heaven and Earth that makes a huge impression on Dave.

They stop at the remote repair garage where Dave’s bike is being repaired. It’s not quite ready, so they loan him one to continue his trip, promising to deliver his later.

Add these transformational events to your four act structure: Done (do we add it here?)

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that movies have a specific structure that must be honored if you hope to attract producers.

Assignment 5: First Draft of 4 Act Transformational Structure

1. Give us the following:

Concept – On the very day he graduates college with honors, a young man’s life is thrown into turmoil by the arrival of three letters, two of which bear the worst possible news and the third a slim thread of hope. He also discovers he has the divine protection of an angel assigned to accompany him while he transitions to the next step towards his true destiny.

Main Conflict – His whole life he’s planned and prepared for his future, now he has to trust that the only door left open to him is where his future lies.

Old Ways –

New Ways

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening – Five or six guys around a table at a diner in a remote town out West. While clearly from diverse backgrounds, yet they speak like old friends, and their conversation suggests they’re about to embark on various missions. Meanwhile, in Massachusetts, it’s graduation day for Dave, the weather is beautiful and he sets off on his motorcycle, graduation robes flying in the breeze. Through the mail slot three envelopes drop to the floor. Graduation day proceeds as planned, commencement addresses are given, diplomas handed out, photos are taken, etc, etc. A fine day is had by all.

Inciting Incident – Dave arrives home, fairly glowing with well-deserved pride. His roommate hands him his mail. He opens the first letter, from his potential employer, withdrawing the job offer. The second from his girlfriend calling off their engagement. Feeling furious and betrayed, he doesn’t bother opening the third. He whips the “for sale” sign off his motorcycle and takes off like a bat out of heck.

Turning Point – While blasting heedlessly down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, a minivan swerves out of his way, exposing a slow-moving dump truck. Dave brakes. The truck is impossible to avoid. At the last possible instant, Dave is snatched from his bike just before it explodes into the rear of the dump truck. One of the men from the diner, an angel, has rescued him. A police car returns Dave to his apartment where he opens the third letter, offering him a full graduate scholarship to Tall Pines College in Northern California..

Act 2:

New plan – Accept the scholarship or get a job at the tire factory back home.

Plan in action – Since Sam had to reveal himself to Dave to save him, he accompanies Dave on his trip West. They begin their trip and Dave gets to know Sam and discovers there is more to life than simply ‘winning’.

Midpoint Turning Point – After leaving Las Vegas, on a dark desert highway, Dave runs over a roofing nail and gets a flat. They camp just off the road. After Dave falls asleep, several angels visit Sam. They talk, but we can’t hear the conversation. In the morning a pickup truck arrives to take Dave’s motorcycle to be repaired. They stop at an unusual town, not on the map, that looks like it hasn’t changed in 100 years. Together they experience a convergence between Heaven and Earth that makes a huge impression on Dave.

Act 3:

A new opportunity presents itself, but it depends on Dave’s willingness.

They stop at the lonely repair garage where Dave’s bike is being repaired. It’s not quite ready, but they loan him one to continue his trip, promising to deliver his later.

Sam presents Dave with an opportunity to extend himself on behalf of others he probably will never meet. The alternative is to take the long, safe way.

Act 4:

Dave accepts the risk and joins them. After a long, tiring night of battle, the quest succeeds. The following day dawns bright and clear. Sam and Dave stop for gas, Dave goes into the store for a cold drink. When he comes out, Sam is gone, leaving a note explaining that he no longer needs an escort and can continue alone. His motorcycle is returned to him, in perfect shape.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 4, Character Interviews

What I learned doing this assignment is that maybe I am trying harder to answer the questions exactly right than I am at working fast, but yeah, this helps you get to know them better.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST

Tell me about yourself.

My name is Dave Carlson, I’m 22 and I just earned a degree in Archaeology, Summa cum Laude, near the top of my class. I was gonna get married, had an awesome job lined up, then poof – it all collapsed on the same day. What a kick in the nuts. I got so mad I jumped on my motorcycle and drove like a maniac, made a huge mistake and almost killed myself. The bike got destroyed but a guy actually saved me. Didn’t get a scratch and I have no idea how he did it.

Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

Journey, schmourney – I majored in Archaeology, not Philosophy. But why me? Good question. I suppose it was to take me down a peg or two, or maybe keep me from making a really big mistake, like doing the wrong thing with my life. You might make a bazillion dollars, have a supermodel wife, a fleet of cars and vacation in Hawaii and Aspen, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing things right.

You are up against Sam. What is it about him that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

I’m not really “up against” him. When he first told me he was an angel I thought he might be nuts, but no, he’s for real. Still, he can be a prick now and then, but I couldn’t have made it without him — you’ll see.

In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

Funny thing, I thought I’d won the lottery when MegaFace offered me that job, with equity. You know what that means, right? Big bucks when they go public! THAT would be out of my box and I was SO ready for it! But no, I just landed in a bigger version of the box I left — grad student-slash-teaching assistant — but to get there maybe I did have to step outside the box of thinking big money was the shortcut to everything.

What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

Ways of thinking? Maybe trying to plan everything ahead, control, that kind of stuff.

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. Hated that everyone knew everyone else’s business and the only place to make a decent living was the tire factory.

What do you think of Sam?

Sam? He’s ok. Got off to a bit of a bumpy start with him, but he’s a good guy to have around.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

I’ve always been a good student – a really good student – did everything right, had a beautiful girlfriend, we were gonna get married, I had a fantastic job lined up, and blam, Lori dumps me, the job falls through, and it’s either go back home and work at the tire factory, or go back to school (I at least had a scholarship), so that’s what I did. I at least got to take the road trip of a lifetime to get there. Changed my outlook on life, that’s for sure.

What does it do for your life if you succeed here?

Changes it, gives it a purpose.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST

Tell me about yourself.

My name is Sam, Samwell, actually. I’m an angel. My main job in Heaven is record-keeping, but we get vacation time, and occasionally we can volunteer for temporary assignments on Earth which are often very rewarding.

Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

Well, I’m an angel, so I have certain abilities humans don’t, but we’re definitely not omniscient, and despite training, we still find ourselves in situations we didn’t anticipate.

Why are you committed to making Dave change?

Getting him safely to his destination is what I’m committed to. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake. Humans are pliable and changeable. The journey itself will change him, I’ve seen it before.

What do you get out of this?

Maybe the satisfaction of a job well done, as the saying goes. Also of making a friend, making a difference in a life with real potential.

What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

Huh? Next question please.

What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

What secrets must I keep to succeed? Just don’t try to answer detailed questions about Heaven. Most of that is classified anyway. Secrets kept out of fear / insecurity? Pssh, none.

Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I’m not particularly special.

What do you think of Dave?

Dave’s a good kid with a lot of potential. He took a big hit on his graduation day and overreacted, but someday he’ll thank God up and down that it happened, you wait.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

My side is that if Dave will cooperate and seek his actual destiny instead of shortcuts to — note the air quotes — “success”, and of course put up with my company for a while, he’ll do ok. More than ok.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Ed Preston.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 3 – Who We’re Traveling With

Ed’s Character Profiles, part 1 and 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that good characters continually reveal themselves.

Protagonist is Dave Carlson. He’s a runner with overtones of fighter and dreamer. He fulfills that role by, first, running away from his crumbled, humiliating failure towards his only glimmer of hope. Along the way he puts selfishness aside and risks all to fight for something bigger than himself, while along the way framing a new dream of a genuinely fulfilling life.

Antagonist: Sam — an honest-to-God angel, from Heaven — is a change agent, who is initially Dave’s bodyguard, mostly good-natured, but projects a resolute, not-his-first- rodeo attitude rather than some bumbling dimwit “earning his wings”, or worse, tempted to indulge in earthly vices.

What other characters might be necessary?

Dave needs a roommate, a handful of fellow graduates, parents and relatives to visit on his road trip to the West Coast, some biker bad guys, and a few friends that Sam, the angel, has met on previous ‘vacations’.

Supporting characters: None, per se. This is primarily a road trip movie (though a life-changing one)

Minor roles:

In the opening, fellow angels in a diner, discussing their assignments.

Dave’s roommate.

A few of Dave’s friends at graduation.

Drivers and passengers in other vehicles who witness Dave’s crash.

Cops who bring him home.

Pawn shop owner who provides Dave with a new motorcycle.

Dave’s parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc who appear at various points.

“Special forces” angels.

Elvis impersonator and dancers in Vegas.

Various friends of Sam who they encounter along the way.

Background characters:

Crowd at Dave’s graduation.

Diners in various restaurants.

Biker bad-guys.

UFC good guys.

Genre — this is Drama / Comedy all the way, an OMG what’s gonna-happen-next drama with enough humor to keep it enjoyable.

Lead character profiles.

Role in the story:
Dave is a smart kid who just graduated college and had it all together… until his plans for everything collapsed through no fault of his own.

Sam is a legit angel, sent to protect Dave while he travels cross-country.

Age range and Description: Dave is early 20s, Sam is of unknown age (he’s not a human who died and is trying to “earn his wings”), but appears to be a mid-40s Brit.

Internal Journey: Dave is smug, self-centered, and materialistic, he needs to let go and seek his God-given destiny. Sam doesn’t need to grow up, but each time he helps someone, he develops a greater appreciation for humanity’s redemption and is grateful to have a part in it.

External Journey: Cross-country road trip on motorcycles with some really interesting stops!

Motivation: Dave seeks significance and a rewarding life. Sam enjoys visiting Earth and helping people.

Wound: Dave’s carefully-planned life collapsed on college graduation day, betrayed by both his fiance and his best friend, and let down by a withdrawn job offer.

Mission/Agenda: Dave’s mission is to salvage his life, Sam’s mission is to get Dave to the West Coast safely.

Secret: None I can think of… yet. Maybe Sam failed once and is troubled by it.

What makes them special? They’re both enthusiastic motorcyclists.

ASSIGNMENT 3 ADDITIONS

Dave Carlson

What draws us to this character?

What draws us to Dave is his intelligence and ability to think ahead so that he’s not a victim of lack of planning.

Traits: Brilliant but critical of others. Good sense of humor, likes to joke.

Subtext: Hides his fear of letting go and risking things not working out the way he wants — ie, failure.

Flaw: Mistakes intelligence for wisdom, thinks he can figure everything out, doesn’t take failure well

Values: Loyalty, honesty, integrity

Irony: Thinks his high IQ should exempt him from suffering.

What makes this the right character for this role?

Dave is the son of a small town factory worker who settled. Dave wants to avoid that at all costs.

Samwell

What draws us to this character?

What draws us to Sam is the mystery of angels involving themselves with humans.

Traits: Confident, focused, humble.

Subtext: He’s not a human.

Flaw: Irritated by human ideas about angels.

Values: Completing his assignment

Irony: He volunteers his vacation time to help us, like we do to help people in other countries.

What makes this the right character for this role? Sam is a no-nonsense angel who genuinely enjoys visiting Earth to help people.

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s Character Profiles, part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that characters need to be believable, interesting, have some depth and some things to reveal.

My Protagonist, Dave, plays the role of a runner, with overtones of fighter and dreamer. He fulfills that role by first running from his crumbled, embarrassing failures towards his only glimmer of true hope, and along the way puts his selfishness aside and risks all to fight for something bigger than himself, while along the way framing a new dream of a truly fulfilling life.

The Antagonist, Sam, — an honest-to-God angel from Heaven — is a change agent, who is initially Dave’s bodyguard, mostly good-natured but able to project a quiet, not-his-first-rodeo strength rather than some bumbling out-of-place dimwit.

What other characters might be necessary? Dave needs a roommate, a handful of fellow graduates, parents and relatives to visit on his road trip to the West Coast, some biker bad guys, and a few friends that Sam, the angel, has made on his previous ‘vacations’.

Supporting characters: None, per se. This is primarily a road trip movie (though a life-changing one)

Minor roles:

In the opening scene, fellow angels in a diner, discussing their new assignments and sharing tips; typical angel chit-chat.

Dave’s roommate.

A few of Dave’s friends at graduation.

Drivers and passengers in other vehicles who witness Dave’s crash.

Cops who bring him home.

Pawn shop owner who provides Dave with a new motorcycle.

Dave’s parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc who they visit at various points in their journey.

Biker gang leader and his hot girlfriend.

“Special forces” angels (no speaking, just action).

Elvis impersonator and dancers in Vegas.

Various friends of Sam who they encounter in various places, etc, etc..

Background characters:

Crowd at Dave’s graduation.

Diners in various restaurants.

Biker bad-guys.

UFC good guys.

Genre — this is Drama / Comedy all the way, an OMG what’s gonna-happen-next drama with enough humor to keep it enjoyable.

Lead character profiles.

Roles in the story:

Dave is a smart kid who just graduated college and has it all together — until his plans collapse through no fault of his own.

Sam is an actual angel, who has volunteered for a temporary assignment protecting Dave while he travels cross-country.

Age range and Description: Dave is early 20s, Sam is of unknown age (he’s NOT a human who died and is trying to “earn his wings”), however he appears to be a fairly non-descript, 40-ish man who speaks with an English accent.

Internal Journey: Dave is smug, self-centered, and materialistic; he needs to let go and seek his God-given destiny. Sam doesn’t need to grow up, but each time he helps someone, he develops a greater appreciation for humanity’s redemption and is grateful to have a part in it.

External Journey: Cross-country road trip on motorcycles with some interesting stops!

Motivation: Dave seeks depth, significance, and a rewarding life. Sam enjoys visiting Earth and helping people.

Wound: Dave’s carefully-planned life crashed and burned on college graduation day, betrayed by both his fiancé and his best friend. He also fears a small-town life of plodding insignificance.

Mission/Agenda: Dave’s mission is to salvage his life, Sam’s mission is to get Dave to the West Coast safely.

Secret: None I can think of… yet. Maybe Sam failed once and is troubled by it.

What makes them special? They’re both enthusiastic motorcyclists.

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is that I REALLY need to recognize when I’m perfectionizing and concentrate on simply DOING.

Hero: Dave Carlson – new college graduate. He dreads what he sees as a dead-end, small town life and believes the cure for it is money and status. He’s targeted those and believes he’s sharp enough to get them.

Internal Journey: From self-satisfied chaser of superficial success to humble adult seeking his true place in the world.

External Journey: From top of his class to disillusioned loser to faculty-track grad student.

Old Ways:

Self-centered and mistaken about what makes a worthwhile life.

Study hard, get the best grades, be a winner.

Plan out everything in advance.

Overconfident, believed too much in himself.

“God helps those who help themselves.”

New Ways:

Thoughtful and open minded.

Sees the value in pursuing a worthwhile dream.

Study hard, learn from others, share what you know.

“God knows best. Sometimes bad things happen for a good reason.”

[Ed Preston]

Edmund Preston, I agree to the terms in this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Ed Preston]

My name is Ed Preston.

I’m on the Clint Eastwood side of the screenwriter spectrum. OK, closer to Dan Aykroyd, and I know they aren’t screenwriters but I admire them both.

I was born in Lowell, Massachusetts, the birthplace of famous people like Bette Davis, Jack Kerouac, Ed McMahon, and boxing legend Mickey Ward (who I’ve met).

When I was little, my dad entered the General Electric ‘management training program’ which relocated us every 2-3 years, so I got to be ‘the new kid’ a lot. We eventually settled in a nice town north of Boston, so from the 6th grade on I had a real home town.

I started college right after Woodstock (didn’t go, I worked) but I vividly remember the wave of social, cultural and political changes that followed, which transformed everything, especially college. Which, in my case, was a series of stints at several colleges. I’d take classes then drop out when I was bored (seemed rebellious and hip at the time, but stupid now), and returned when it seemed like the thing to do.

Fact is I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do and ran from anything that looked too confining — which was just about everything at the time. Lucky for me when the computer revolution took hold I managed to pick up enough programming to score a job at a small software house.

Then I met a lovely young woman at church, got married, and started a family. After getting hired by the now extinct Digital Equipment Corporation I thought maybe I should fill in that dreadful ‘Education’ blank at the top of my resume and finish my bachelors, and also stumbled on the degree program at Harvard Extension School. After a generous pile of transfer credits from the other schools and 3 years of dragging myself into Cambridge once or twice a week (summers included) I earned a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts at the ripe old age of 42. And my employer paid for it. Thanks, Ken!

Years went by, our kids are grown, and I’m sort-of retired. But after years of watching movies and TV and saying “Who writes this crap? I could write better crap than that!” a little voice replied, “OK smart guy, then do it or shut up.” So here I am.

Do I still think I can write better stuff than some of the stuff I’ve seen? Of course, but I’ve been stuck in a loop for a while and I believe this class will help to correct that.

I’ve written exactly one full script and 3-4 outlines and treatments, one of which will become a completed screenplay by the end of this course.

Something unique/special/strange? Well, back in April of 2000, my 10yr old son and I flew to California and drove back a 1971 Volvo 1800E. That was fun and unique!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Ed Preston.

[Ed Preston]

Lesson 20: Assignment

Ed Preston, Character Relationships.

What I learned doing this assignment: Changing character’s traits creates new dynamics and new possibilities (or impossibilities) for interesting scenes and plot lines, etc and so forth.

Characters (these men are WW1 soldiers)

Archie: optimist, methodical, timid, overly trusting

Harry: cynical, pragmatic, wry, complainer

Alfred: patriotic, reliable, hasty, short tempered

Cappy: brave, impulsive, joker, annoying

ARCHIE / HARRY

When tackling a task together, Archie’s optimist trait and Harry’s pragmatic trait suggest rapport.

Conflict will likely arise whenever Harry’s cynicism and Archie’s overly-trusting nature emerge – and collide – in the same situation.

They will contrast whenever cynical, complaining Harry scorns the optimism of Archie.

Competition – Harry’s pragmatism will usually enable him to prevail in any competition with methodical Archie.

Subtext: These guys will usually get along providing there’s not too great of a gap between Archie’s optimism and Harry’s cynicism.

ARCHIE / ALFRED

Archie’s methodical trait and Alfred’s reliability suggest a good basis for rapport.

But they might have problems when Archie’s methodical trait and Alfred’s hastiness lead to conflict and competition.

Subtext: Mundane, day-to-day stuff is fine, but don’t put these two in a challenging situation.

ARCHIE / CAPPY

Archie and Cappy will probably enjoy rapport most of the time because Archie’s patience and optimism will be a buffer against Cappy’s less endearing traits.

Conflict is likely to arise between Archie and Cappy any time Archie’s timidity holds him back in a situation where Cappy’s bravery wants them to go.

As for competition, unless it’s a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race contest, impulsive Cappy will win every time.

Subtext: Not many sparks fly in this pairing.

HARRY / ALFRED

Harry and Alfred will find rapport in situations that draw on Harry’s pragmatism and Alfred’s reliability.

Conflict, however, can arise when Harry’s cynicism and Alfred’s patriotism collide.

The strongest contrast will be evident when Alfred’s reliability and Harry’s tendency to complain result in Alfred doing something not particularly pleasant while Harry complains about it.

In competition, Alfred will likely win because his hastiness and reliability will get things done while Harry is being cynical and complaining.

Subtext: When these two are in agreement on a task, it will get done.

HARRY / CAPPY

Harry and Cappy will have rapport in situations that call for bravery and pragmatism.

They will conflict and contrast when Harry is busy complaining and Cappy wants to joke.

In competition, depending on the situation, Cappy’s bravery and impulsiveness might win while Harry is deciding on the most pragmatic approach, otherwise Harry will win because Cappy’s impulsiveness causes him to make a mistake.

Subtext: If Harry and Cappy like each other, they’ll get along, otherwise friction will result.

ALFRED / CAPPY

They will experience rapport especially when Alfred’s patriotism and Cappy’s bravery are called upon, otherwise they’ll get along only when Cappy’s unappealing traits are under control.

There’s lots of potential for conflict here, since Alfred’s short temper could be triggered by Cappy’s impulsiveness and tendency to joke.

Competition – about equal.

Subtext: Once they develop mutual respect, they could very well become friends.

ELEVATIONS:

ARCHIE / HARRY

Change Harry from complainer to cooperative.

ARCHIE / ALFRED

Change Archie from timid to decisive.

CAPPY / ARCHIE

Change Cappy from joker to melancholy.

ALFRED / CAPPY

Change Alfred from hasty to thoughtful.

[Ed Preston]

SCENE REWRITE:

Trait changed: Maxine from Paranoid to Cynical nonconformist.

LOGLINE: A surprise office birthday party goes wrong

ESSENCE: Think fast and make the best of a bad situation.

INT: 19TH FLOOR, FOX NEWS CORPORATE HQ, NYC, TUES 11:30AM

Renee, mid-30’s, white, cute southern belle, and Maxine, same age, black, curvy, gorgeous, inner city Chicago, both mid-level managers at News Corp, just left a meeting where HR has outlined their new initiative, “Allies of Inclusion”. They’ve stopped to chat outside the door to the meeting room.

MAXINE

Can’t they just let us manage our groups without all this diversity nonsense? We spend more time trying to look good to corporate than we do making our numbers.

RENEE

But aren’t diversity and inclusion important? If we don’t deal with them in our own spaces, they’ll never be fixed in society, right?

MAXINE (sarcastically)

Oh, well said! Of course they’re important, but suddenly they’re the most important things ever? They sent us the program two weeks ago, so why the big meeting? Yeah, I know, to show us just HOW important. At least we get a catered lunch out of it. (looks at her watch) Ooh, in 5 minutes! I want first crack at the sushi! Let’s walk.

They start walking down the hall.

MAXINE (CON’T)

I didn’t take this job to spend all my time tinkering with who gets promoted and who doesn’t, based on crap that has nothing to do with delivering the news, which, last I checked, is what they hired us for. And now they expect us to kiss bums according to where people land on some diversity chart they don’t dare publish? I didn’t bust my ass getting an MBA from Yale for this. And seriously, now we get “points” for doing stuff to make every poor oppressed schmuck feel “valued in the workplace”?

RENEE

Don’t forget, 100 extra points if you’re the first to do something on the Positive Affirmations list!

MAXINE

Points? Positive Affirmations? What the f…? Sorry, I almost forgot you disapprove of using the f-word.

RENEE

I appreciate that. Momma and Daddy didn’t bring me up to talk that way and I never seen the need for it. There’s other ways to get your point across. “Ladies and gentlemen always!”

Renee notices the VP of HR, Roger, hustle by with a cardboard box. She gives a cutesy wave.

RENEE

Hey Rog, excellent presentation!

Roger acknowledges with a smile and a nod and keeps walking.

MAXINE

Speaking of bum-kissing.

RENEE

You gotta do what you gotta do, kiss a few frogs and all that.

MAXINE

Speaking of frog-kissing, that creep thinks he’s entitled to plant one on any woman in the office on her birthday (makes a disgusted face), which is why I’m glad nobody here knows when mine is.

RENEE

I do. I know exactly when it is.

MAXINE

I know you do. I meant besides you. You’ve known since we interned at Reuters. But you promised not to tell, remember?

RENEE

Like it was yesterday. I said, “I won’t breathe a word of it to anyone.” And I haven’t. But seriously, what’s so bad about birthdays? Everyone deserves their own special day, right? (pause) Wait a second… Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in birthdays. Are you a Jehovah’s Witness? or a Mormon or something?

MAXINE

Neither one, and I’m pretty sure Mormons can have birthdays. But don’t quote me.

RENEE

But why don’t you like birthdays? Don’t you like to feel special? (picks a tiny piece of lint off Maxine’s blazer) You are special you know.

MAXINE

Oh, I love to feel special, but two things: Who wants to be the center of attention in a room full of people pretending they all like you when half of them would push you in front of a train for a promotion. No thanks.

RENEE

Well, I wouldn’t mind. But what’s the other thing?

MAXINE

(pauses, looks troubled)

Nothing. Bad memories. Don’t ask.

RENEE

(all perky)

Well, personally, I think you should just leave the past behind and learn to enjoy life. You know, like people who are scared to fly but make themselves get on a plane anyway? Or touch a snake or something?

MAXINE

I’m not afraid to touch a snake. But if a snake touches me… (makes a fist and shakes it)

RENEE (giggles)

I know, eww!

They approach the function room with the catered lunch. LENNY, a co-worker, spots them and stops them at the door. Renee halts obediently, Maxine looks puzzled.

LENNY

Not quite ready yet.

(pause)

A voice from within says “Come on in!” Lenny swings the door open wide for Maxine and Renee and ushers them into a crowded room lined with people on both sides, leading to a table with a birthday cake, blazing with candles freshly lit by Roger himself, all teeth and rubbery lips like a caricature of Gene Rayburn, the old Match Game host. The room erupts into a chorus of “Happy Birthday”.

At first Maxine looks panicked and glares at Renee then quickly realizes she’s in front of a crowd and regains her composure. They finish singing.

RENEE

I didn’t breathe a word, I just wrote it down (makes a little writing gesture with her hand). Happy Birthday, Maxine!

Roger takes out a tiny can of breath spray and makes a big deal of spraying his huge open toothy mouth… twice… He steps over to Maxine, leans in. But Maxine beats him to it, grabs his face, plants a big smooch on it that lasts all of half a second, then practically pushes him away and turns towards the food spread out on a long table.

MAXINE

I’m ready for some sushi.

FADE TO BLACK.

[Ed Preston]

Lesson 17: QE Cycle #4: Write this Scene, V1

LOGLINE: An office birthday party goes wrong

ESSENCE: Best keep your personal life to yourself.

INT: 19TH FLOOR, FOX NEWS CORPORATE HQ, NYC, TUES 11:30AM

Renee, mid-30’s, white, cute southern belle, and Maxine, same age, black, curvy, gorgeous, inner city Chicago, both mid-level managers at News Corp, have just left a meeting where the HR department outlined their new employee initiative, “Allies for Inclusion”. They’ve stopped to chat in the wide hall outside the meeting room.

MAXINE

Can’t they just let us manage our groups without all this diversity nonsense? We spend more time trying to look good to corporate than we do making our numbers.

RENEE

But aren’t diversity and inclusion important? If we don’t deal with them in our own spaces, they’ll never be fixed in society, right?

MAXINE

(a bit sarcastically)

Oh, of course, but suddenly they’re the most important things ever! They sent us the program two weeks ago, so why the big meeting? Yeah, I know, to show us just HOW important. At least we get a catered lunch out of it. (looks at her watch) we have 5 minutes, let’s walk.

They start walking slowly down the hall.

MAXINE

I didn’t take this job to spend all my time tinkering with who gets promoted and who doesn’t, over things that have nothing to do with delivering the news, which, last I checked, is what we’re here for. And now they expect us to kiss bums of people according to where they land on some diversity chart they hint at but don’t dare publish. I didn’t bust my ass getting an MBA from Yale for this. And seriously, we get “points” for doing things to make sure every poor oppressed schmuck feels “valued in the workplace”?

RENEE

And don’t forget, 100 extra points if you’re the first to do something on the Positive Affirmations list!

MAXINE

Points? Positive Affirmations? What the f…? Sorry, I almost forgot you disapprove of using the f-word.

RENEE

Thank you. I appreciate that. Momma and Daddy didn’t bring me up to talk that way and I never seen the need for it. There’s other ways to get your point across.

Renee notices the VP of HR, Roger, hustle by with a cardboard box. She gives a cutesy wave.

RENEE

Hey Rog, excellent presentation!

Roger acknowledges with a smile and a nod and keeps walking.

MAXINE

Speaking of bum-kissing.

RENEE

You gotta do what you gotta do, kiss a few frogs and all that.

MAXINE

Speaking of frog-kissing that creep thinks he’s entitled to plant one on any woman in the office on her birthday, which is why I’m glad nobody here knows when mine is.

RENEE

I do.

MAXINE

I know. I mean besides you. You’ve known since we interned at Reuters. But you promised not to tell… remember?

RENEE

Like it was yesterday. I said, “I won’t breathe a word of it to anyone.” And I haven’t… But seriously, what’s so bad about birthdays? Everyone should have their own special day, right? (beat) Wait a second… Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in birthdays. Are you a Jehovah’s Witness, or a Mormon or something?

MAXINE

Neither one, and I think Mormons have birthdays, but don’t quote me.

RENEE

So why don’t you like birthdays? Don’t you like to feel special? (picks at a tiny piece of lint on Maxine’s blazer) You are special you know.

MAXINE

Oh, I love to feel special, but two things: I don’t like rooms full of people pretending they all like you when some of them would push you in front of a train for a promotion.

RENEE

What’s the other thing?

MAXINE

(pauses, looks troubled)

Nothing, maybe I don’t like bad memories. And don’t ask.

RENEE

(all perky)

Well, personally, what I think you should do is try to leave the past behind and learn to enjoy life. You know, like those people who are scared to fly but make themselves get on a plane anyway? Or touch a snake or something?

MAXINE

I’m not afraid to touch a snake, but when a snake touches me… (makes a fist and shakes it)

RENEE

(giggles)

Yeah, I know, eww!

They approach the function room with the catered lunch. LENNY, a co-worker, spots them and stops them at the door. Maxine looks puzzled.

LENNY

Not quite ready yet.

Then a voice from within says “Come on in!” Lenny swings the door open wide for Maxine and Renee and ushers them into a crowded room lined with people on both sides, at the other end of which is a table with a huge birthday cake, blazing with candles freshly lit by Roger himself, all teeth and rubbery lips like a caricature of Gene Rayburn, the old Match Game TV show host. And if he couldn’t look more idiotic, he’s wearing, over his shirt and tie, a huge t-shirt that reads “Positive Affirmations 2021!” The room erupts into a chorus of “Happy Birthday”.

At first Maxine looks panicked, but regains most of her composure as they finish singing. She stares at Renee.

RENEE

I didn’t breath a word, just wrote it down (makes a little writing gesture with her hand). Happy Birthday!

Roger takes out a tiny can of breath spray and makes a big deal of spraying his mouth… twice… He steps over to Maxine, leans in, and

FADE TO BLACK.

[Ed Preston]

REWRITE of Lesson 14

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire help somebody move.

ESSENCE: Don’t trust your stuff to just anyone, even Ivy Leaguers.

SCENE:

INT. SUSAN’S APARTMENT, CAMBRIDGE, MA, FRIDAY AFTERNOON, SUNNY SUMMER DAY

Nancy and Susan are friends and recent Harvard grads. Their circle of friends are young professionals and grad students. Susan’s roommate, Loretta, just left on short notice for an internship in Europe. Nancy offered to help move her personal belongings into storage, primarily because she’s after Loretta’s boyfriend, Arlen, a 3rd year student at Harvard Med school.

SUSAN

Who’s this guy helping you move all that stuff today?

NANCY

Squire? Arlen’s roommate.

SUSAN

Why’s Arlen not here?

NANCY

He got called last minute to take a double shift at Mt. Auburn, poor thing! Amazing what you have to put up with to be a doctor. I think they try to work ‘em to death, and if they survive they get to be doctors! So I made him a fancy lunch – two paninis, kettle chips from Whole Foods, and Yodels, his favorite. More than his old girlfriend ever did for him.

SUSAN

Old girlfriend? You mean Loretta? Wait, they broke up?

NANCY

Oh they will. I found a few things out about her he really needs to know, and my peeps will be dropping those tidbits ever so discretely! Besides, he doesn’t like her that much anyway and just needs a little help, if you know what I mean.

SUSAN

(nods knowingly)

Got ya! And how thoughtful of you to help move her stuff while she’s away in London. You really are a saint! But who’s this roommate? Is he gonna be a doctor too? Is he cute?

NANCY

He’s some kind of software dweeb. Went to MIT. Designs games or something. Not exactly my ideal pick for a moving helper. Probably never lifted anything bigger than a backpack in his life. Looks more like Arnold Stang than Arnold Schwartzenwhosie.

SUSAN

Well, I don’t go for muscle men anyway, and there’s good money in games these days. But is he cute??

NANCY

He’s ok. Be better looking if he was in med school.

The doorbell buzzes. Nancy gets the door. It’s Squire.

NANCY

Hello Squire, come in!

Squire, 24, not bad looking if you like the hipster hair and scruffy beard look, enters.

SQUIRE

Hello, ladies! (notices Susan) …and who is this?

NANCY

Squire, this is Susan, my roommate.

SQUIRE

(takes Susan’s hand)

Greetings, lovely lady. I am (with a Shakespearean flourish) your squire!

Susan is amused by the gesture and play on words.

SQUIRE

Will you be joining us today?

NANCY

Unfortunately, no. Susan’s off to the Vineyard for the weekend.

SQUIRE

More’s the pity… For us that is. Are you going to the beach? Me, I can be happy all day on the beach with a PB&J, a can of pop and sunscreen!

SUSAN

Charming. No, a combination of beach, sailing and shopping in Edgartown. (to Nancy) Mostly shopping! Nancy tells me you’re a software developer.

SQUIRE

Something like that.

SUSAN

Gaming?

SQUIRE

Something like that.

SUSAN

Where do you work?

SQUIRE

You know that office complex, the big one between MIT and the Science Museum? Near there.

Susan grabs her overnight bag and heads for the door.

SUSAN

Fascinating. Well, I’m off. Have fun moving, Nancy, and nice meeting you, Squire.

SQUIRE

Likewise, I’m sure. Perhaps…

SUSAN

(already into the hall)

Ta!

NANCY

(leans out the door and waves)

Have a great weekend!

Nancy goes back in the apartment and finds Squire poking through the refrigerator.

SQUIRE

Orange popsicles, my favorite!

Squire takes one out, starts unwrapping it. Nancy is irritated but says nothing.

NANCY

Let’s get going, I don’t want this to take all day.

SQUIRE

Hey, how hard can it be to move a few boxes?

NANCY

I only just got here before you did. Everything’s in the second bedroom, and all we have to do is take everything to unit #1601 at the Alewife Stor-U-Stuff, slap a lock on the door and we’re done. C’mon.

Nancy steps over to the second bedroom and opens the door. The room is loaded with boxes and trash bags crammed with clothes.

NANCY

Good grief…

SQUIRE

What? What’s the matter (enters) Oh fuuuuuhhh….

NANCY

You brought Arlen’s truck, right?

SQUIRE

He said I could use it, but, well, I don’t like trucks, they use too much gas and they’re not good for the environment, and he said it was just some boxes, so…

NANCY

So… what?

SQUIRE

So I brought my Prius. It’s got a lot of room in the back and I used it when I moved… besides, what’s the rush? That bed in the other room looks comfortable and maybe we should rest up before we exert ourselves. (raises an eyebrow) What do you think?

NANCY

(exasperated)

Ugh! NO! Look at all this we have to move. You were supposed to bring his truck and you didn’t because “trucks are bad”! Well, trucks are really good when you need to move things! Now, who knows when we’ll ever get done? Grab something, let’s go!

She picks up two boxes, one on top of the other, and heads outside. Squire schlumps along behind with a trash bag stuffed with clothes. The Prius holds more than Nancy expects but a lot less than a truck. They fill it in no time and drive to the storage unit. But after three trips, Squire starts whining.

SQUIRE

Can we take a break? I’m exhausted!

NANCY

No! It’s not even 4:30, we’ve hardly made a dent in anything, and if we had the truck we could’ve been done by now. And you’ve eaten all the popsicles!

Nancy looks out the window and sees a couple of kids nosing around the Prius.

NANCY

Hey you kids, get away from that car!

The kids give her the finger but leave. Nancy turns and sees Squire out cold on the couch. Exasperated, she grabs a paper cup, puts in some water and throws it on Squire. He gasps and sputters.

NANCY

Come on! Let’s go!

SQUIRE

What was that for?

NANCY

Motivation. Besides, something bad might happen if we don’t get this done soon.

SQUIRE

What do you mean? This is the safest neighborhood in Cambridge.

NANCY

(walking out with another load)

I’m not talking about the neighborhood. COME ON!

Six trips later it’s well after dark, but they’re finally done with their last load at the Store-U-Stuff. They slide the door down on a full storage unit.

NANCY

The lock, please.

SQUIRE

The lock?

FADE TO BLACK.

[Ed Preston]

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire help move somebody’s stuff.

ESSENCE: Even Ivy Leaguers can screw up a simple job.

SCENE:

INT. SUSAN’S APARTMENT, CAMBRIDGE, MA, FRIDAY AFTERNOON, SUNNY SUMMER DAY

Nancy and Susan, friends, recent Harvard grads, stylish and classy, struggling with their first professional jobs, are ready for the day. Nancy has agreed to help move someone’s personal belongings into storage who left on short notice for a year of study in Europe.

SUSAN

Who’s this guy helping you move all that stuff today?

NANCY

Squire? Arlen’s roommate.

SUSAN

Why’s Arlen not helping?

NANCY

He got called last minute to fill in a double shift at the hospital, 16 hours, poor thing! Amazing what you have to put up with to be a doctor. I think Harvard tries to work their med students to death, and if they don’t die, they make them doctors! But I made him a fancy lunch – two paninis, kettle chips from Whole Foods, and Yodels, his favorite. More than his old girlfriend ever did for him.

SUSAN

Loretta? Wait, they broke up?

NANCY

Oh they will soon. I found a few things out about her he really should know, that my peeps will drop ever so discretely. Besides, he doesn’t like her that much anyway and just needs a little help, if you know what I mean.

SUSAN

Understood! And how thoughtful of you to help her move her stuff to that storage place while she’s away in London. You really are a saint (wryly). But what about Arlen’s roommate? Is he gonna be a doctor too? Is he cute?

NANCY

He’s some kind of software dweeb. Designs games or something. Not exactly my ideal pick for a moving helper, though. Probably never lifted anything bigger than a backpack in his life. Looks more like Arnold Stang than Arnold Schwartzenwhatzis.

SUSAN

Well, I never went for muscle men anyway, and there’s good money in games these days, but… is he cute??

NANCY

He’s ok. He’d be better looking if he was in med school.

The doorbell buzzes. Nancy gets the door. It’s Squire.

NANCY

Hello Squire, come in!

Squire, 24, not bad looking if you like the hipster-haircut-and-scruffy-beard look, enters.

SQUIRE

Hello, ladies! (notices Susan) …and who’s this?

NANCY

Squire, this is my friend Susan. Susan, Squire.

SQUIRE

(takes Susan’s hand)

Greetings, lovely lady. I am (with a Shakespearean flourish) your squire!

Susan is amused by the gesture and play on words.

SQUIRE

Will you be joining us today?

NANCY

Unfortunately, no, Susan’s off to the Vineyard for the weekend.

SQUIRE

More’s the pity… For us of course. Are you going to the beach? Me, all I need to be happy all day on the beach is a PB&J, can of pop and sunscreen!

SUSAN

Some beach, some sailing. I hear you’re a software developer.

SQUIRE

Something like that.

SUSAN

Gaming?

SQUIRE

Something like that.

SUSAN

Where do you work?

SQUIRE

In that office complex, the big one between the Science Museum and MIT. Fourth floor.

Susan grabs an overnight bag and heads for the door.

SUSAN

Fascinating. Well, I’m off. Have fun moving Nancy, and nice meeting you, Squire.

SQUIRE

Likewise, I’m sure. Perhaps…

SUSAN

(already into the hall)

Ta!

NANCY

(leans out the door, waves)

Bye, have a great weekend!

Nancy goes back in the apartment and finds Squire poking through the refrigerator.

SQUIRE

Orange popsicles, my favorite!

Squire takes one out, starts unwrapping it. Nancy, irritated, says nothing.

NANCY

Let’s get going, I don’t want this to take all day.

SQUIRE

Hey, how hard can it be to move a few boxes?

NANCY

I just got here myself. Everything is in the second bedroom. All we have to do is take all Loretta’s things to unit #161 at the Alewife Stor-U-Stuff, slap a lock on the door and we’re done.

Nancy steps over to the second bedroom and opens the door. The room is full of boxes and garbage bags crammed with stuff.

NANCY

Good grief…

SQUIRE

What? What’s the matter (enters) Oh fuuuuuhhh….

NANCY

You brought Arlen’s truck, right?

SQUIRE

He said I could use it, but, well, I don’t like trucks, they use too much gas, they’re not good for the environment, and he said it was just some boxes, so…

NANCY

So… what?

SQUIRE

So I brought my Prius. It’s got a lot of room in the back and I used it when I moved… besides, what’s the rush? That bed in the other room looked comfortable and maybe we should rest up before we exert ourselves. What do you think?

NANCY

(exasperated)

Ugh! NO! Look at all this we have to move. You were supposed to bring his truck and you didn’t because “trucks are bad” Well, trucks are really good when you need to move a lot of things! Now, who knows when we’ll ever get done? Grab something, let’s go!

She grabs two boxes, one on top of the other, and heads outside. Squire schlumps along behind with a trash bag stuffed with clothes. The Prius holds more than Nancy expects but a lot less than a truck, and after three trips, Squire starts whining.

SQUIRE

Can we take a break? I’m exhausted!

NANCY

No! It’s only 4:30, we’ve hardly made a dent in everything, and we could have been done by now. And you’ve eaten all the popsicles!

Nancy looks out the window and sees a couple of kids nosing around outside the Prius.

NANCY

Hey you kids, get away from that car!

The kids give her the finger but leave. Nancy turns and sees Squire out cold on the couch. Exasperated, she grabs a paper cup, fills it with water, and throws it on Squire. He gasps and sputters.

NANCY

Come one! Let’s go!

Six trips later it’s well after dark, but they’re finally done with their last load at the Store-U-Stuff. They slide the door down on a crammed-full storage unit and heave a sigh of relief.

NANCY

The lock, please.

SQUIRE

Lock?

FADE TO BLACK.

[Ed Preston]

Lesson 13 Assignment

Ed Preston, Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that it’s more possible to insert drama into a scene than I realized.

LOGLINE: Alfred gets advice from an old family friend, himself a veteran of war.

ESSENCE: War is hell but sometimes a necessary hell.

INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Dilemma, Anticipatory dialog,

LOIS

Will you walk us home please, Alfred?

ALFRED

I’d be glad to.

A flatbed truck pulls up, driven by JOHN ANDERSON, 60s, farmer, lifelong family friend, not known for subtlety.

MR. ANDERSON

(loud)

Young Alfred! Alfred Pederson! Can I give ye a lift?

Alfred pauses. This is an old family friend. He now has a DILEMMA. He just promised to walk the sisters home but doesn’t want to offend Mr. Anderson. Lena senses this and lets him off the hook.

LENA

Promise to come see us when you’re home next.

AL

I will.

Al watches the sisters walk off, then steps over to the truck.

AL

Hello Mr. Anderson.

MR. ANDERSON

Hop in, Alfred, I’ll give ye a lift wherever you’re going.

AL

Very kind of you, Mr. Anderson.

Al hoists himself up and steps in.

MR. ANDERSON

Don’t give it a thought, no trouble at all (gives him a solid slap on the knee) Ya look well!

AL

I’m well enough, sir, yes. Could you drop me at the Wallace’s?

Anderson shifts the truck into gear and starts driving.

MR. ANDERSON

Be my pleasure, young Alfred. Seen ye talking with the Murray girls. Awful thing, Murrays losing their only boy like that.

Two more shifts as the truck reaches speed.

MR. ANDERSON

They say he was a hero. Gave him a medal!

AL

A medal. I’ve no doubt he earned it, Mr. Anderson.

MR. ANDERSON

Aye, talk is he took a bayonet.

AL

They say any more than that?

MR. ANDERSON

Said he was cut from here to here (slides his hand across his middle) Took ‘im three or four hours to die.

This is an UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT as Al hears his best friend since childhood died a lingering painful death.

AL

That… that part I hadn’t heard.

Mr. ANDERSON

Aye, it’s what they said.

AL

I meant was any more said of his being a hero? Did he take any Germans with him?

MR. ANDERSON

Oh, I ‘spect he did, but nay, only the usual, that he fought bravely for King and Country. Did us proud.

AL

(mostly to himself)

A true Scotsman…

MR. ANDERSON

Aye, Alfred, he was, that he was!

They drive on in silence for a while.

AL

Horrible thing, war.

MR. ANDERSON

Hell, young Alfred. Hell’s what it is, just as they say.

AL

Seen it yourself then, I take it?

MR. ANDERSON

Seen my share. 92nd Highlanders, Natal,’81 and ’82.

AL

Lose any friends?

MR. ANDERSON

Aye, two. And my brother.

AL

I’m very sorry to hear that.

MR. ANDERSON

Think nothing of it, young Alfred, that was long ago.

They drive on further.

MR. ANDERSON

War has a way a’ making men of boys right quick. You see things you wish you never seen, do things you’d rather not do but you must.

AL

I just finished training and I’ll be off to Belgium in a few days. Trying not to think about all the things that might happen.

MR. ANDERSON

Thinking too much is what makes it hard. Just do what you must and don’t think. Be strong. And if you can’t be strong, at least be cool.

(a beat)

You know why the Romans built Hadrian’s Wall? Course you do. To protect themselves from the most savage warriors in all the ancient world, the Picts! The very Picts from which you and I and every true Scotsman are descended, the only race of people the mighty Roman Empire could na defeat! We don’t smear ourselves with blue paint no more, but make no mistake, the same blood flows through our veins. And man for man no army in the world can stand against us…

Young Alfred, this war will no end ’til the enemy’s beaten. And the way that’s done, lad, is ya fight with all your power. Kill him afore he kills you. Show ‘im no mercy ’cause he’ll show you none! Ya won’t win this war dying for your country – God rest dear Jimmy’s soul – ya make the Hun die for his! Lord Nugent once said “The essence of war is violence, and moderation in war is imbecility.” Never forget that. Not for a second!

Alfred’s expression shows Anderson’s words have an effect. ANTICIPATORY DIALOG follows.

AL

If that’s what I must do, then that’s what I’ll do. What they done to poor Jimmy, God help me, I’ll do to them and worse.

MR. ANDERSON

Good lad, good! But one last thing if I may. Once it’s over and done, leave it all on the battlefield.

A few moments later the truck pulls over.

MR. ANDERSON

There’s the Wallace’s, Alfred. A pleasure chatting with you.

Anderson extends his hand. Alfred takes it.

AL

Likewise, Mr. Anderson. (steps out) Thanks for the ride. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I intend to take it to heart.

MR. ANDERSON

Do your part, young Alfred, and we’ll see the end of this all the sooner. I’ve a good feeling about you, lad. You’ll do well.

Mr. Anderson shifts the truck into gear.

MR. ANDERSON

Godspeed to you. Now go see that bonnie lass a’ yours and tell her you love her!

AL

I will, Mr. Anderson. Goodbye.

As Al watches Anderson’s truck drive away, the door of the house opens. Rose comes out and stops half way, waiting for Al to turn around. When he does, their eyes meet and she senses a change. She closes the distance, wraps her arms around him, head in his chest. He slowly returns the embrace.

[Ed Preston]

Lesson 12 Assignment, Creating Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that there’s always more ways to add drama, tension, comedy, whatever, to a scene.

A: CURRENT SCENED LOGLINE:

Al returns from behind the German line, day after Christmas, back to the farmhouse.

B: ESSENCE:

Even when you do what you believe is right, there can still be doubt.

C: LIST OF POSSIBLE CHALLENGES:

Maybe Al is wounded and barely makes it back.

Al and Duff can argue.

Duff could mock Al for weakness.

Duff can accuse Al of failing to do his duty as a soldier.

Maybe Al tries to hide the fact that he spared a German’s life.

Maybe Al pretends he killed the German when he didn’t.

Maybe there’s a letter from Lois reminding him of his vow to avenge her brother by killing a German with a bayonet.

D: SUMMARY OF RE-WRITE

I believe I would have Al find the letter from Lois and also have Duff strongly imply that he failed to live up to his vows.

INT. MAIN ROOM OF AL’S FARMHOUSE, MID-DAY.

Al bursts through the door, breathing hard, and closes it behind him. He sets his Enfield in the corner and hangs his cap and jacket on the wall. He kindles a fire in the hearth, twists the cork from a bottle of wine, pours a glass, and sits in a comfy chair facing the fire.

DISSOLVE TO: SAME ROOM – DUSK.

Al is still in the chair. On the table beside him, a plate with a crust of bread, and a quarter-full wine glass. Johann’s button is in his hand. He holds it up to the light, then places it on the table beside Johann’s knife, and resumes watching the fire.

AL (V.O.)

A lot went through my mind that night. We’d been fighting the Germans for months over a little strip of land and getting nowhere, then comes Christmas and we’re out there shaking hands and getting on like old school chums, even though we knew we’d be fighting again in no time.

And the next day I make one wrong turn and don’t even know I’m a mile behind the German line til I nearly fall on a wounded man, an enemy. And I’m ashamed to admit my first thought was to run him through like was done to Jimmy. But I couldn’t.

The sound of vehicle stopping outside. Then a knock at the door.

AL (loudly)

It’s open.

The door opens and in steps Duff.

DUFF

Alfred lad! Saw the smoke from your chimney and thought I’d see if you was back.

AL

I am back, as you can see. Care to stay a while?

DUFF

Don’t mind if I do!

AL

Come in, then. Tea and biscuits on the table. Help yourself.

Duff looks around the room as he enters.

DUFF

Thank you kindly.

Time passes. It’s dark and the fire is embers.

AL

And that’s the whole story. I hardly believe it myself.

DUFF

I may not be the brightest — even if me mum does call me Sunny — but I’d almost say it was, to use your word, providential. ‘cept for one thing.

AL

What do you mean?

DUFF

Sure, you’re bicycling down a road, ignorant of the fact you’re heading straight for downtown Fritz-ville. Yer tire goes flat. You hear Fritz, “Ow, ‘elp me, I’m hurt”. ‘an you coulda finished him off with no one none the wiser, but you don’t, instead you helps him and right off run into three more Huns who mighta killed you, ‘cept you’re carrying one of theirs. Ol’ Scarface sends his boys off to fetch help, and then because you was nice to his friend he tells you hows to get back safe and sound. And here you sit. With souvenirs. But you do have to wonder.

AL

Wonder what?

DUFF

About your Hun.

AL

Oh, he’s mine now? What about him?

DUFF

Suppose he recovers?

AL

Suppose he does?

DUFF

Suppose he does and they send him back. To fight.

AL

Suppose he does and suppose they do?

DUFF

My point. He gets better, he goes and fights. Maybe he kills one of us, maybe a bunch. But who’d he kill if you just finished him where he was? What if that’s what you was supposed to do?

AL

Never considered that. Good job, Sunny.

DUFF

Jus’ saying it’s a possibility you ‘ave to consider. Specially after what you told God’n all.

He stands and brushes crumbs off his trousers.

DUFF

Well, I’m off then. Lovely chatting with you.

Duff leaves. The door closes. Al stares into the fire.

[Ed Preston]

Ed’s Inherently Dramatic Characters

What I learned that is improving my writing is that boring characters are boring and interesting characters are interesting. Interesting characters are harder to write but worth the effort. When something major happens in the story, it should be either the result of a character’s serious shortcoming, or as the result of overcoming such a shortcoming.

(FYI: This is the story of Joseph from the Bible.)

JOSEPH:

before-

DESCRIPTION: Jacob’s first son by his favorite wife, Rachel

TRAITS: Handsome, smart, good manager, diligent

SUBTEXT: Jacob’s likely successor

after-

DESCRIPTION: Jacob’s clearly favorite son

TRAITS: Handsome, smart, good manager, diligent, full of himself

SUBTEXT: Convinced he’s destined for easy greatness

ZEBULUN:

before-

DESCRIPTION: Jacob’s youngest son by Leah, closest in age to Joseph

TRAITS: sullen, envious, dull, easily angered

SUBTEXT: Hates Joseph with a passion and wants him to fail

after-

DESCRIPTION: Jacob’s youngest son by Leah, closest in age to Joseph

TRAITS: envious, resentful, devious, smart, murderous

SUBTEXT: Hates Joseph with a passion and wants him dead

POTIPHAR:

before-

DESCRIPTION: Chief of Pharaoh’s palace guard, owner of Joseph

TRAITS: polished, masculine, commanding presence, honorable

SUBTEXT: a man who appreciates, recognizes and rewards talent

after-

DESCRIPTION: Chief of Pharaoh’s palace guard, wealthy, owns Joseph

TRAITS: manly, commanding presence, highly respected, weak for his wife

SUBTEXT: an honorable man who rewards talent, but is intimidated by his wife

ZAHRA:

before-

DESCRIPTION: Potiphar’s beautiful, high-class wife

TRAITS: elegant, sophisticated, refined, spoiled

SUBTEXT: a woman used to getting what she wants

after-

DESCRIPTION: Potiphar’s beautiful, high class wife,

TRAITS: sophisticated, demanding, persistent, pitiless

SUBTEXT: I get what I want, or else.

[Ed Preston]

QE2: REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE

LOGLINE: An corrupt older cop meets resistance trying to recruit a younger cop.

ESSENCE: Corruption is a one-way street.

EXT. BOSTON, LOGAN AIRPORT FEDEX TERMINAL, EVENING.

NICK and JOHN are both Boston cops. Nick, 55, med height, cropped gray hair, tough as a $2 steak, and John, 33, ex-Marine, tall, short brown hair, smooth complexion. Nick stands by the open entrance of the FedEx freight processing area. Loaded cargo carts go in and out. John walks up. Both are off-duty and not in uniform.

NICK

Do you got what I asked for or don’t you?

JOHN

Why wouldn’t I?

NICK

Because you’ve been dodging me.

JOHN

Have I?

NICK

All week… you’re dodging me now.

JOHN

I’m right here, so how’s that dodging?

NICK

Because I’m still waiting for what you shoulda brung three days ago. Maybe you ain’t so reliable.

JOHN

Well who “brung” it last time?

NICK

Nunya. Nunya Bidness! (chuckles at his clever answer)

JOHN

Sorry, did I violate some sort of unwritten dirty cop code?

NICK

Don’t piss me off! If I’m dirty you’re dirty! Hell, how’s pickin’ up a buck or two on the side to keep things runnin’ smooth make ya dirty? You know the City don’t pay us enough. Look, kid, I vouched for you, and you been stallin’ too long. It’s time you get in. You wanna marry that cute girlfriend of yours someday, right? Maybe get a two-decker in Southie? Have a couple kids and all that happy family crap? Takes money…

Nick lets fly a string of profanity, stops, regains his composure, and gives a quick wave to something behind John. Then fixes his cold blue eyes on John and speaks in a tone that’s a perfect combination of inviting and menacing.

NICK

Johnny boy, jump in, the water’s fine… we’ll even throw in a extra special signup bonus for ya!

An electric luggage cart pauses beside Nick. Nothing in the back but a briefcase. Nick takes it and the cart drives off. Nick places it gently it on the ground.

NICK

This is yours, pal. All yours.

John reaches into his jacket, starts to remove an envelope, then stops halfway.

JOHN

It was Bud, wasn’t it? He was the guy what “brung” it last time.

NICK

Wrong-o Tonto, he’s as bad as you. Worse even. Damn Boy Scout. It was Dennis. Member when he was out with the Covid? Weren’t Covid, he was fakin’ it. Ran a few errands though and made some e-a-s-y money. Wicked easy.

Nick softens his tone a smidge more.

NICK

You can too, pal, you can too! (beckons with a hand-it-over gesture) C’mon, give it…

JOHN

I’ll give it alright.

John stuffs the envelope firmly back in his pocket with finality and Nick realizes he’s been had. He jumps back and draws his Glock from a shoulder holster. John anticipated this and manages to knock the gun from his hand – barely – and the fight is on. Punches and kicks are thrown, but none decisive. Suddenly blue lights flash over the fighters. We hear brakes, car doors slam and footsteps running.

FADE TO: FBI OFFICE, BOSTON

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Ed Preston.

[Ed Preston]

LOGLINE: An corrupt older cop tries to recruit a younger cop, who resists.

ESSENCE: Corruption is a one-way street.

EXT. BOSTON, CHINATOWN, NIGHT.

NICK and JOHN are both Boston cops. Nick, 55, med height, cropped gray hair, tough as a $2 steak, confronts John, 33, ex-Marine, in the corner of a packed parking lot behind the Double Chin restaurant.

NICK

Do you have what I asked for or don’t you?

JOHN

Why wouldn’t I have it?

NICK

Because you’ve been dodging me.

JOHN

Have I?

NICK

All week… and you’re dodging me now.

JOHN

But I’m right here, so how is that dodging?

NICK

Because I’m still waitin’ for what you should’a brung three days ago.

JOHN

Well who “brung” it last time?

NICK

Nunya. Nunya Bidness! (grins at his clever answer)

JOHN

Sorry, did I violate some sort of unwritten dirty cop code?

NICK

(angry)

Don’t piss me off! If I’m dirty you’re dirty! Hell, if pickin’ up a buck or two on the side to keep things runnin’ smooth is dirty, then we’re all dirty. You know the City don’t pay us enough… You been dodgin’ us long enough and it’s time you get in. You wanna marry that cute girlfriend of yours someday, right? Maybe get a two-decker in Southie? Have a couple kids and all that happy family crap? Takes money…

Nick loses his composure and lets fly a stream of the vilest profanity, then stops, exasperated. He fixes his cold blue eyes on John and speaks in a measured, almost menacing tone.

NICK

Johnny boy, jump in, the water’s fine… I’ll even see if we can’t throw in a extra special signup bonus for ya!

John reaches into his jacket and starts to remove a thick envelope, but stops halfway.

JOHN

It was Bud, wasn’t it? He was the guy what “brung” it to ya last time.

NICK

Wrong-o Tonto, he’s as bad as you. Worse even. What a damn Boy Scout. It was Dennis. Member when he was out with the Covid? Weren’t Covid, he was fakin’ it. Ran some errands though and made some e-a-s-y money. Wicked easy.

Nick softens his tone a smidge.

NICK

You can too, pal, you can too! (extends his hand in a hand-it-over gesture) C’mon, give it…

JOHN

I’ll give it alright.

John stuffs the envelope firmly back in his pocket with finality and Nick instantly realizes he’s been had. He jumps back and draws his service revolver from a shoulder holster. John anticipated this and manages to knock the gun from his hand – barely – and the fight is on.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Ed Preston.

[Ed Preston]

LESSON 5: REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD AUTO BROKERS, SUNNY SOCAL AFTERNOON

Two salesmen, ROBERT and Arlen (LENNY) at their desks in a single story, art-deco style building, a remnant of the last Packard dealership in California. The lot isn’t large, but every vehicle, from plain to exotic, is immaculate. They cater primarily to the elite of Beverly Hills.

LENNY

Trent’s coming. Says he’s got a line on a primo Pantera like Brad’s been looking for.

ROBERT

I’ll believe it when I see it. He’s always dropping names. Did he tell you his Leno story yet? Him and Jay are like this (holds up crossed fingers). Still waiting for him to show up with one of these big shots.

A flawless black Oldsmobile Silhouette minivan enters the lot driven by TRENT, 30s, single, fit, tanned, $100 haircut, Brit accent.

LENNY

And here he comes now.

ROBERT

Ooh, and driving (waves his hands as if impressed) “The Cadillac of minivans”. Funny how a minivan – a minivan – becomes a classy ride just because it looks like the one in Get Shorty.

LENNY

It is the one from Get Shorty.

ROBERT

Of course it is.

The door opens and Trent enters, sporting a Zimm Filmz hat.

LENNY

Hey look, it’s Gene Hackman, I mean Harry Zimm! How’s the film business Harry?

Trent plays along like a celebrity caught by surprise in public. Takes off the hat and hangs it on their coat rack.

TRENT

Film biz? Deals cookin’ all the time. But today it’s cars. In this case, an Aston DB9. Tony Hopkins wants one and you got one.

LENNY

Well, tell him to come on down!

ROBERT

Yeah, bring him over. Or he’s welcome to come on his own.

TRENT

You know these big Hollywood stars, they don’t like going out in public and all, and a lot of ‘em expect to be cheated because they’re rich. They like to deal one-on-one with somebody they know personally, someone they trust.

ROBERT

I don’t know any big stars, not like you do anyway, so I’ll just take your word for it. But if your pal Tony wants a DB9 but won’t come look at this one. How’s that gonna work?

TRENT

Simple, I’ll take it to him this afternoon. How much you got in it?

LENNY

That’s classified, but Rico says we gotta get at least $110k for it.

TRENT

Well, Rico’s the owner, so what he says, goes. Tell him I can get him $120k. Anything over that I get to keep. Tony comes here, you handle the paperwork, bada-bing bada-boom, Bob’s your uncle… money in our pockets! How’s that sound?

ROBERT

Hang on.

Robert pulls out his cell phone and steps outside.

TRENT

I’d buy it myself, cash on the barrel, if there was room for another horse in the stable.

LENNY

Maybe Jay would let you keep it in his garage?

TRENT

Jay? If he started doing that for his friends his garage would be full of others’ “collections”.

Robert steps back in, heads for the key box on the wall.

ROBERT

Rico says you can take it for the day, but…

Robert removes a set of keys and tosses them to Trent.

ROBERT

…just between you and me, he’ll be real disappointed if this deal doesn’t go through. Plates are on it. Anything happens to that car…

Trent slips the keys into his pocket and plops the Zimm Filmz hat back on his head.

TRENT

No worries, mate. Oh, and The Cadillac of Minivans? keys are in it. Don’t sell it while I’m gone.

ROBERT

No promises…

Trent is already out the door.

Hours pass in moments. Sun’s getting low. Robert and Larry are doing paperwork at their desks. The door opens and in walk Rico and two scary-looking Chicanos.

RICO

Your friend Trent. Have you heard from him?

ROBERT

Not since he left with the DB9. And he’s not my friend.

RICO

Alright. Trent-who’s-not-your-friend… is in trouble.

Robert suddenly looks concerned.

ROBERT

What kind of trouble?

RICO

There’s a GPS on that car, the one he took. He never went to Tony Hopkins’ house or anybody’s house.

ROBERT

Maybe they met somewhere else..?

RICO

Not unless Tony’s a 25yr old bleach-blonde surfer girl and they had lunch at the hippest sushi place on Sunset Strip and cruised down the PCH to a cozy motel on Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach! How do I know all this? I just had a feeling so I had a PI follow him. That cost me money and I hate wasting money.

Rico’s phone rings. He answers. The conversation is brief.

RICO

He’ll be here soon. Bring him to the back room when he gets here. Tell him we have something special for him. Neither one of you leave.

Rico and the two silent Chicanos go to the windowless back room, usually reserved for lunch and private deals. Robert and Lenny each sit at their desks, tense as cats at a dog show, unable to return to their work.

LENNY

How long has Rico owned this place?

ROBERT

Not that long. Bought it from Fairbanks last year… paid cash.

LENNY

Cash? Seriously? How…

ROBERT

Don’t ask. I don’t know and don’t really want to know.

Conversation stops as the unmistakable growl of an Aston Martin V12 enters the lot and stops outside the office. Trent bursts through the door.

TRENT

Greetings gents! Still here? Love that, love the dedication. Maybe you’ll work for me someday!

Robert and Lenny try their best to be nonchalant.

ROBERT

We have a deal with Tony? I see you’re alone.

TRENT

Deal? Close. He really liked the car. Loved it. I mean who wouldn’t? He just…

Robert stands and moves towards the back room.

ROBERT

Hey, guess who’s here? Rico. He’d love to hear how it went today. He’s right here in the party room.

Robert opens the door. Rico booms out with surprising charm:

RICO

Trent, mi amigo! Come in, tell me all about today!

Trent strides in, all smiles. One of Rico’s “associates” takes control of the door, leans in and says, just to them,

ASSOCIATE 1

You guys screw. Rico will call you tomorrow.

The door closes. Lenny hastily gathers his papers in a pile and shoves them in the desk.

LENNY

Don’t nobody gotta tell me twice.

Robert and Lenny exit the office as thumps and shouts erupt from the back room.

[Ed Preston]

EXT. WEST HOLLYWOOD AUTO BROKERS, SUNNY SOCAL AFTERNOON

Two salesmen, ROBERT and Arlen (LENNY) at their desks in the half-mobile-home that serves as an office. The lot isn’t particularly large, every vehicle is visible from the office. They cater both to people seeking basic transportation and the elite of Beverly Hills, as evidenced by the dozen or so distinctive vehicles in the corner.

LENNY

Trent’s coming by soon. Says he’s got a line on a primo ‘74 Pantera like Brad’s been looking for.

ROBERT

I’ll believe it when I see it. He’s always dropping names. Did he tell you his Leno story yet? Him and Jay are like this (holds up his crossed fingers).

A flawless black Oldsmobile Silhouette minivan enters the lot, driven by TRENT, 40, single, handsome, fit, tanned, impeccably coiffed, a bit David Beckham-ish, Brit accent.

LENNY

And here he is now.

ROBERT

Ooh, and driving (waves his hands like he’s impressed) “The Cadillac of minivans”. Funny how a farty old minivan becomes a classy ride just because it looks like the one in Get Shorty.

LENNY

It is the one from Get Shorty.

ROBERT

Of course it is.

The door opens and Trent enters, sporting a Zimm Filmz hat.

ROBERT

Hey look, it’s Gene Hackman, I mean Harry Zimm! How’s the film business Harry?

Trent plays along, like a celebrity caught in public, removes the hat and runs his fingers through his hair.

TRENT

Film biz is fine, deals cookin’ all the time… but today it’s cars. Specifically, an Aston DB9. Tony Hopkins wants one and you got one.

LENNY

Bring him down!

ROBERT

Yeah, bring him down. Or he’s welcome to come on his own.

TRENT

You know these big Hollywood stars, hate going out in public, and a lot of ‘em expect to be cheated ‘cause they’re rich. They like to deal one-on-one with somebody they know personally, someone they trust. No offense.

ROBERT

None taken. So your pal Tony wants a DB9 but won’t come look at this one. How’s that gonna work?

TRENT

Simple, I’ll take it to him this afternoon. How much you got in it?

LENNY

That’s classified, Rico says we gotta get $110k for it, minimum.

TRENT

Rico’s the manager, so what he says, goes. Tell Rico I can get him $120k. Anything over that I get to keep. Tony’ll come here, you do the paperwork, and, Bob’s your uncle, money on our pockets! How’s that sound?

ROBERT

Hang on.

Robert steps outside to make a call.

TRENT

I’d buy it myself, cash on the barrel, if there was room for another car in the old stable.

LENNY

Maybe Jay would let you keep it in his garage?

TRENT

Jay? If he started doing that for his friends his garage would be chock-a-block with “collections”.

Robert steps back in, heads for the key box on the wall.

ROBERT

Rico says you can take it for the day, but…

Robert removes a set of keys and tosses them to Trent.

ROBERT

…just between you and me, I think he’ll be real disappointed if this deal doesn’t go through. Plates are on it. Anything happens to that car…

Trent flips the keys into his pocket and plops the hat back on his head.

TRENT

No worries, mate. Oh, and The Cadillac of Minivans? keys are in it. Don’t sell it while I’m gone.

ROBERT

Not a chance…

Trent is already out the door.

Several hours pass. Sun’s low. Robert and Larry are at their desks doing paperwork. The door of the office opens and in walk Rico and two tough Chicanos.

RICO

Your friend Trent. Have you heard from him?

ROBERT

Not since he left with the DB9. And he’s not my friend.

RICO

Alright. Trent-who’s-not-your-friend is in trouble.

Robert suddenly looks very nervous.

ROBERT

What kind of trouble?

RICO

There’s a GPS on that car, the one he took. He never went to Tony Hopkins’ house.

ROBERT

Maybe they met somewhere else..?

RICO

Not unless Tony’s a 25yr old bleach-blonde surfer girl and they had lunch at a hip new sushi place on Sunset Strip and then a cozy motel on Laguna Beach. I had a feeling and had a PI follow him. That cost me money and I hate wasting money.

Rico’s phone rings. He answers. The conversation is very short.

RICO

He’ll be here soon. Bring him to the back room when he gets here. Tell him we have something special for him. Neither one of you leave.

Rico and the two silent Chicanos go to the windowless back room, usually reserved for lunch and private deals. Robert and Lenny each sit at their desks, tense as cats at a dog show, unable to return to their work. A minute later they hear the unmistakable growl of an Aston Martin V12 as it enters the lot and stops outside the office. Trent bounds up the stairs and enters.

TRENT

Greetings, gents! Still here, eh? Love that, love to see dedication. Maybe I’ll have you work for me someday!

Silence for a moment, then…

ROBERT

Did you make a deal with Tony? I see you’ve come alone.

TRENT

Deal? Pretty close I think. He really liked the car though. Loved it.

Robert stands and moves towards the back room.

ROBERT

Guess who’s here? Rico. He’d love to hear how it went today. He’s right here in the party room.

Robert opens the door. Rico booms out pleasantly:

RICO

Trent, mi amigo! Come in, tell me all about today!

Trent strides in, all smiles. One of Rico’s “associates” sticks his head in the room and says…

ASSOCIATE 1

You guys screw. Rico will call you tomorrow.

The back room door closes. Lenny hastily gathers his paperwork in a pile and shoves it in the desk.

LENNY

Don’t nobody got to tell me twice.

Robert and Lenny exit the office as thumps and shouts erupt from the back room.

[Ed Preston]

Ed Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to set up possibilities and situations, and either thwart them or fulfill them in unexpected, satisfying, or intriguing ways.

Note on setting — this takes place during WW1 in a German airfield on Christmas morning 1914, the first year of the war.

Logline: 2nd Lieutenant Manfred, Corporal Ralf and Private Kurt have been tasked, at the last possible moment by a vindictive superior, to deliver small gifts to many soldiers along a lengthy stretch of the German trenches on Christmas day.

Essence: Be open to making the best of seemingly rotten situations.

Interest Techniques: Major Twist, Mislead/Reveal

EXT. GERMAN AIRFIELD.

Small sacks, neatly bound and tied with bows, cover the desk, bench, and chairs. Also visible, a red coat, Santa hat and fake cotton beard. Kurt and Ralf load small sacks into large sacks as Manfred strategizes.

MANFRED

So, one large sack apiece, sixteen small sacks in each. We start at the far end first and work our way back. One small sack per ten men, handed out by St. Nick, supplied by his helpers as he goes. Keeping a good pace, we could be back here by, perhaps, six, enjoy a meal, after which I break out my personal supply of Napoleon brandy. Not a bad end to a day of spreading Christmas cheer, no? The car to Passchendaele arrives in 30 min. Clear?

KURT

Clear. But I still think you should be St. Nick. You’re the officer.

MANFRED

Nonsense, Kurt, you’re a far better St. Nick, with your round, rosy cheeks and spectacles! Besides, (mimics Fuchs, the obnoxious officer who gave them this job) I am your superior officer and you will follow your orders!

RALF

(flinches)

Ach! Begone, Gunther! I’ll be good!

The desk phone RINGS. Manfred answers.

MANFRED

Airfield.

(rapid chatter)

Yes?

(more chatter)

Truly? The entire front you say?

(longer chatter)

Amazing! Thank you. Yes, and good Christmas to you as well.

He hangs up. Ralf and Kurt look expectantly at Manfred.

MANFRED (CONT’D)

This is incredible. I’ve just been informed fighting has halted along the entire front. For Christmas. Men from both sides started it this morning, came out of the trenches and met in no man’s land. Officers are permitting it to continue for the day. No shooting. Chivalry in its

truest form, gentlemen!

He turns and gazes out the window towards the hangar.

MANFRED (CONT’D)

And this changes some things for us.

He grabs the phone and clicks the switch hook several times.

KURT

So, we won’t get shot at on Christmas. That’s a comfort.

RALF

It’s a gift.

MANFRED

(into phone)

Central Command, Sergeant Richter please.

(a voice answers)

Richter? Cancel the car to the airfield. Correct. Yes. Good day, and a good Christmas to you!

Manfred hangs up the phone. Kurt and Ralf look puzzled.

RALF

No car?

MANFRED

(looking out the window towards the airplane hangar)

No car. Our day has just become considerably more interesting.

(In case it isn’t clear, the end result is, because they’re stationed in an airfield and Manfred is a pilot, the ceasefire enables them to make their delivery by air much more easily, thwarting the intention of the vindictive superior to ruin their Christmas day.)

[Ed Preston]

ASSIGNMENT 3

Title: Ed Profiles People

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is that people are neither all good nor all bad. Everyone is a patchwork of qualities, traits, desires, triumphs, disappointments, etc, etc, which occasionally ought to at least be hinted at. It never hurts to discover a smidge of sympathy for a villain (like Ebenezer Scrooge) or that the hero is also a jerk (like Sherlock Holmes).

This assignment was challenging to complete in the allotted time (failed miserably). And now I have to figure out how to release these people from my basement without incurring some sort of reprisal. But I’ll figure it out. I always do.

Person 1: Controlling, Secretive, Judgmental, Self-critical

Person 1 has admitted to wanting, more than anything, to be loved by someone, but as soon as someone appears close to fulfilling that role, Person 1 can’t resist controlling them to an unreasonable degree, which then drives them away.

Person 2: Intelligent, Reliable, Personable, Compliant

This man is socially immature in that he’s too easily influenced by the woman in his life, and tends not to think for himself. Confuses loving someone with always agreeing with them.

Person 3: Polished, Well-spoken, Refined, Lazy, Self-centered.

This man, a longtime member of the clergy, prefers the approval of others and “the finer things in life” over standing for principles. Gifted with a wonderful voice and polished demeanor, he desires accolades and a genteel lifestyle above all.

[Ed Preston]

Assignment 2.

Ed puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… finding essence is vital, but hard! Not every scene requires profound essence, but those that should have essence but lack it should be altered or discarded.

Script I choose: Two Buttons

Scene 1 Location: Early Second Act

Logline: Alfred, having been rebuffed by the parents of his best friend, killed in action, encounters his friend’s younger sisters who comfort him.

Essence I’ve discovered: Grief affects everyone differently.

New Logline: Alfred, rebuffed by the parents of his best friend who was killed in action, encounters his friend’s younger sisters who comfort him, but an offhand comment causes one of the sisters to erupt in fury at the Germans.

Scene 2 Location: Middle of Second Act

Logline: Christmas Eve afternoon Manfred is ordered by a petty superior to deliver hundreds of packages to front-line troops on Christmas Day, ruining his Christmas.

Essence I’ve discovered: If you look deeper, you may discover good in bad situations.

New Logline: Christmas Eve afternoon Manfred, ordered by a petty superior to deliver hundreds of packages to front-line troops on Christmas Day, takes it as a challenge, a privilege, and an opportunity to serve others.

Scene 3 Location: Second Act, p44

Logline: Alfred enters pub for a relaxing evening, ends up stuck with a boorish WW1 vet who can’t stop repeating old war stories, gets angry and tells him off.

Essence I’ve discovered: It’s not enough to react and push back, someone ought to change for the better

New Logline: Alfred enters pub for a relaxing evening, ends up stuck with a boorish WW1 vet who can’t stop repeating old war stories, tells him off in a way that causes the boor to see things differently.

Scene 4 Location: Second Act, p94

Logline: The day after Christmas, Al leaves the trench bunker to return to the farmhouse.

Essence I’ve discovered: If possible, demonstrate that a change has taken place.

New Logline: The day after Christmas, Al leaves the trench bunker to return to the farmhouse, notices that the sniper has changed the marks on his tally board from vertical lines to crosses.

Scene 5 Location: End of Second Act, p106

Logline: Alfred tells his remarkable tale (of helping a wounded German) to a friend.

Essence I’ve discovered: Sometimes a so-called friend can make you doubt yourself.

New Logline: Alfred tells his remarkable tale (of sparing a wounded German) to a friend, who promptly plants lingering doubts in his mind that he might have helped a wounded enemy recover and later return to to combat and kill.

[Ed Preston]

(Sorry for the lateness. I had difficulty with the script from script-o-rama. Turned out the last 20 or so pages were missing – I was able to locate another complete one, but that took extra time)

Ed finds the Essence

What I learned is that there is more depth to great writing and it all starts with getting to the essence of what you want to write.

Script I choose: The Green Mile

Scene 1 Location: Act One, p12 of 145

Logline: Enormous John Coffey arrives on The Mile, escorted by guard bully Percy Wetmore.

Essence: Meek men in shackles are ideal targets for compulsive bullies.

Scene 2 Location: Act Two

Logline: The guards and a trustee, Toot, rehearse Arlen Butterbuck’s execution. Toot’s comedic bent cracks them up, to Paul’s dismay.

Essence: A man’s execution is a serious matter.

Scene 3 Location: Denouement

Logline: At Elaine’s funeral we discover Paul has outlived everyone he knew.

Essence: Unnaturally long life is actually a curse.

Scene 4 Location: Beginning of Act Three

Logline: Paul discovers a newfound appreciation for his wife and compassion for the suffering of their friends Hal and Melissa

Essence: We shouldn’t take our relationships for granted.

Scene 5 Location: Just before the point of no return, p95 of 145

Logline: Paul believes John Coffey can and would “take back” Melinda’s terminal cancer and decides he must try to arrange it.

Essence: A good man can’t sit by and do nothing.

My selection for most profound essence: Of these five I believe the last has the most profound essence because it speaks to conflicts we all might face (usually on a lesser level).

INT. PAUL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Paul is wide awake, staring at the dark. Jan can sense him brooding. She rolls over sleepily.

JAN

Honey? If you don’t say what’s on your mind, I’m afraid I’ll have to smother you with a pillow.

PAUL

I’m thinking I love you. I’m thinking I don’t know what I’d do if you were gone.

JAN

Oh.

PAUL

(beat)

I’m also thinking I’d like to have the boys over tomorrow.

Off Jan’s look, we

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM- DAY

Brutal, Harry, and Dean are seated at the table with Paul and Jan. Serving plates are passed, everybody digging in:

THE MEN

(various, ad-lib)

Ma’am, you sure know how to fry up some fine chicken…Brutal, don’t hog the taters now…Try that corn yet? It’s something special…

Paul softly interjects:

PAUL

You saw what he did with the mouse.This stops everybody cold. Dean puts his chicken down, wipes his hands. Looks are traded in the silence.

BRUTAL

I could’a gone the rest of the day without you bringing that up.

DEAN

I could’a gone the rest of the year.

PAUL

He did it to me too. He put his hands on me and took my bladder infection away.

The men absorb this. Brutal glances to Jan.

JAN

When he came home, he was…all better.

DEAN

You’re talking about an authentic healing. A praise-Jesus miracle.

PAUL

I am.

BRUTAL

If you say it, I accept it. But what’s it got to do with us?

Jan looks to Paul, realization starting to dawn:

JAN

Melinda? Oh, Paul…

BRUTAL

Melinda? Melinda Moores?

Paul nods–that’s who we’re talking about.

JAN

You really think you can help her?

PAUL

It’s not a bladder infection, or even a busted-up mouse. But there might be a chance.

HARRY

Hold on now. You’re talking about our jobs. Sneak a sick woman onto a cellblock?

PAUL

Hal would never allow that. You know him, he wouldn’t believe something unless it fell on him.

BRUTAL

So you’re talking about taking John Coffey to her. That’s more than just our jobs, Paul.

DEAN

Damn right. That’s prison time if we get caught.

HARRY

Let’s not discuss this like it’s even an option. Brutal, help me out here…

Brutal lets out a deep breath, considering. He looks to Paul.

BRUTAL

I’m sure she’s a fine woman…

JAN

The finest.

PAUL

What’s happening to her is an offense, Brutal. To the eyes and the ears and the heart.

BRUTAL

I have no doubt. But we don’t know her like you and Jan do…do we?

PAUL

That’s why it’s a lot to ask.

HARRY

It is. Let’s not forget Coffey’s a murderer. What if he escapes? I’d hate losing my job or going to

prison, but I’d hate having a dead child on my conscience even more.

PAUL

I don’t think that’ll happen…

(beat, softly)

…in fact, I don’t think he did it at all.

The men are stunned by this. Off their looks:

PAUL

I just can’t see God putting a gift like that in the hands of a man who would kill a child.

DEAN

Well, that’s a tender notion, but the man’s on death row for the crime. Plus, he’s huge. If he tried to get away, it’d take a lot of bullets to stop him.

BRUTAL

We’d all have shotguns in addition to sidearms. I’d insist on that.

(to Paul)

He tried anything, we’d have to take him down. You understand.

PAUL

I understand.

BRUTAL

(beat)

So. Tell us what you had in mind.

[Ed Preston]

I, Ed Preston, agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Ed Preston]

Hi everyone,

My name is Ed Preston, and after a meh career in high tech decided to re-invent myself as a screenwriter. Why? After years of watching movies and TV and saying “Who writes this crap? I could write better crap than that!”, a little voice said, “OK smart guy, then do it.” It didn’t take long to learn that even if you’re bursting with awesome story ideas, it means nothing unless you bother to learn the craft.

I have a handful of screenplays in various stages of completion, and the one I’ve put the most time in stalled (I “shut down” as Hal put it) after feedback following a contest where the reader said there were too many characters and problems with structure, but the end left her in tears (good, I liked that). Thought if I put it aside and went back to it after a while, I’d go back and the fix would be obvious. So far not yet.

Hoping this class will provides tools and insights I can use for traction.

Something unique, special, strange about me? I once met Johnny Crawford and was later facebook friends with him, and I own a Volvo 1800 much like the one seen in two Steven Spielberg movies: Jaws and Bridge of Spies. His is white, mine is blue.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Ed Preston.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Ed Preston.

[Ed Preston]

Hi Ed, this is also Ed (and, as we all know, two Eds are better than one)

Anyhow, if I may offer an unsolicited critique, it’s this: Try to sharpen your dialog. I found it a little hard to know exactly what’s going on or where the emphasis lies, for example:

JOHN

“Your lack of credible intelligence is astonishing for a Langley man.”

try:

For a Langley man, your lack of credible intelligence is astonishing.

NICK

“We know enough. Credible or otherwise. We spin the narrative to suit our needs, not yours.

For example, when I look at you I compared you to a lone wolf. You hunt on your own, indiscriminately aloof. Although it must be nice to be free from Sir Richard’s reign.”

Nick crawls back into his seat holding his backpack close to his chest.

try:

We know enough. (That’s it, leave the rest out)

JOHN

“Tell me, why did they send someone like you after someone like me? The way you’re holding on to that rucksack I’d say you more likely to shoot yourself with the Glock 19 hidden in there than kill a poor old bloke like me.”

try:

They really sent someone like you to kill me? The way you’re clutching that rucksack you’re more likely to shoot yourself with that Glock you’re hiding than kill me.

NICK

“I doubt it. The safety is on. At least I thought it was when I handed it off to the soccer hooligan in that melee on the platform. You see, John, you never know who your true enemies are and where they will strike. If my man does not see my signal, he’s going to kill you before you take two steps off this car.”

try:

Pssh! I handed it off on the platform and you didn’t even notice. Furthermore, if my man doesn’t see my signal, you won’t get more than two steps from this car.

The cable car bounces a little from an up draft. John checks the distance to the landing. Not far to go, a third of the way left.

JOHN

“That would be a pity. My assassin friend will do the same. Nothing personal, but we must plan for contingencies. Your life in continent upon my living. There in lies the irony of our brief relationship. Tell me, Nick, does my CIA dossier say that I’m a compulsive liar?”

try:

How interesting. I’ve arranged an identical thing for you. Contingencies and all. Your life depends on mine. Ironic, eh? Can you afford to doubt me?

…and so on

BTW, love that “Eiger Sanction” vibe you’ve developed.