[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Elevated Scene Structure

What I learned from this lesson: With just a little clever thought, it’s fun and rewarding to change a scene from bland to stimulating.

Scene 16: Takes place in Norm and Ethel’s house (old folks who are quaint and ostensibly pleasant). Azuri, with her friends Lily and Roger, have been invited inside by the old folks, who know Lily and Roger but have just been introduced to Azuri. Purpose of scene: The kids are looking for information on the paranormal activities they have witnessed in their own “new” homes. The old folks yearn for the kids’ company. They are all about to learn more than they expected–or wanted. Plus the audience now knows more than the characters do–the kids don’t know that the older folks have a hidden and dangerous agenda. The old folks don’t know that Azuri’s knowledge and power–of which she herself is not fully aware–is about to turn their peaceful lives upside down. The audience is left with a new element of suspense.

BRIEF:

A few tears slip from Norman’s eyes and run down his cheeks. With an effort, he turns away.

Perhaps embarrassed, perhaps just eager to change the subject, Ethel motions the children to follow her into the living room.

<b align=”center”>ETHEL

Roger, you might want to show Azuri the photos of that train you liked.

Roger grows excited. He dashes into the living room, clearly knowing right where to go.

Norm appears to frown at Ethel and try to shake his head, but his Parkinson’s makes these movements difficult.

From a stack of framed black-and-white photographs leaning against the back of a chair, Roger retrieves two pictures

<br clear=”all”>

and carries them back to where Azuri is standing. Lily grabs the second frame while Roger holds the first one up for Azuri to see.

The photo shows an old steam locomotive pulling several passenger and freight cars up a hill. A few rickety houses scattered over hills dot the greenery-filled background.

<b align=”center”>ROGER

Very unusual locomotive, very rare. See how the wheels are arranged? An old 0442 Mallet-type. Built in Italy, Norm told me–1938. Still runs on a railway in Africa, believe it or not. Mostly pulls tourists now, though.

Azuri tries to find interest in the photo, but her eyes are drawn to the second photo, the one Lily is holding.

Seeing Azuri’s interest, Lily holds the photo up so Azuri can see it better.

She does not notice Ethel’s hands, which reach out as if to stop her.

This photo shows a weathered railway station with a train pulled by a coal-burning locomotive approaching. Several people sit on benches or stand in a waiting attitude. In the center-left of the photo, a raggedy teenage boy wearing a turban pulls a handtruck containing several large boxes and items of luggage.

<b align=”center”>NORMAN

That photo’s taken in India. Early ’40s. That’s Sahib…

Ethel’s frown deepens as she tries to get Norman’s attention.

Azuri has begun breathing hard, in the same way as when she touched the door to Lily’s silo. Her eyes bulge, her pupils race from side to side so fast they almost seem to be spinning. Her face fairly floods with sweat. She looks as if she is about to faint.

Seeing her plight, Lily grabs the only vacant chair in sight and turns it so Azuri can fall into the chair rather than into souvenirs or framed pictures.

Roger reaches out to support Azuri, but she collapses onto the chair before he can touch her.

MONTAGE — AZURI’S VISION

As before, scenes and sounds flash by.

Azuri’s eyes close. Her head falls back.

Ethel and Norman appear panicky. They look as if they, too, are about to faint–or die.

Lily and Roger quickly set the photos aside.

Roger slides an arm around Azuri’s shoulders, while Lily raises her head.

Jerking to her feet, not bothering with her walker, Ethel stomps as fast as she can into the kitchen and returns with a wet cloth that she places on Azuri’s forehead.

<b align=”center”>ETHEL

Can you breathe okay, dear? Norm’s got a inhaler somewhere.

<br clear=”all”>

NORMAN

The dust. We ain’t aired this room in a generation o’ tortoises.

Ethel grabs Norman’s inhaler from a table and holds it out to Azuri.

Not really focused on it, Azuri takes the inhaler, but has no idea what to do with it.

Azuri pulls her head up at last and opens her eyes. Sweat still pours down her face, but her breathing has slowed and she appears more focused on her surroundings.

ETHEL

Maybe not the dust. Maybe a low blood sugar–hypoglycemia.

ROGER

Doubt it. Her blood sugar should be about a thousand after that chocolate seashell.

Azuri is breathing more easily.

Ethel wipes the sweat from Azuri’s face.

AZURI

I’m okay. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m okay. Please don’t tell anybody. My mom couldn’t deal with it. She already thinks I’m…

Azuri forces herself to stand. She looks unsteady at first, but quickly rights herself. Lily and Roger prop her up.

Azuri addresses herself to Ethel and Norman.

AZURI (CONT’D)

Thank you so much. For the

candy–the information–everything. I’m sorry to be such a party pooper.

Azuri leads–or is led–to the door by Lily and Roger, Ethel stomping along behind them.

As soon as the door closes behind the kids, Ethel looks at Norm accusingly.

<b align=”center”>ETHEL

You didn’t have to tell them about Sahib.

<b align=”center”>NORMAN

Who directed them to look at those pictures?

They look at one another accusingly. They’re not just sweet old people. Something else is going on.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Scene Ratings

What I learned from this lesson: Yes, indeedy, some of the scenes aren’t as entertaining as I’d like them to be. Most of the low-rated scenes are in Act 3 and the start of Act 4. I haven’t fixed them yet, as I already knew these scenes had to be worked on and I wanted to reassess the lead-up scenes before revising these.

[Edward Etzkorn]

What i learned from doing this assignment is how many changes I found that improve the script (the script that I previously thought was near-perfect).

I wrote 6 or 7 entirely new scenes. I rewrote parts of perhaps a dozen (out of 53). I deleted parts of scenes that did not move the story forward or contained too much dialogue that could be replaced by actions of expressions of the characters.

And I see that there are still portions of the script I don’t like. Still more work to go.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Outline Exchange 2

Got a fabulous review from Margaret. Changed genre as a result (light bulb!)

I’m interested in exchanging outlines one more time now that I’ve made changes.

Mine was Horror. Now it’s Thriller. (More specifically, Supernatural Thriller)

9 1/2 pages–rating probably PG-13.

Ed Etzkorn

[Edward Etzkorn]

Request to exchange feedback.

Just completed my outline – 9 1/2 pages. Horror. Rated probably PG-13.

Haven’t exchanged with anyone yet.

Thanks! – Ed

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Fascinating Scene Outines

What I learned–Analyzing scene by scene indeed allows for increased interest in each scene.

I made 7 or 8 changes to several scenes. Basically, increasing the importance of Azuri’s mom’s background to make it clearer why her mom reacts as she does to Azuri’s odd oreternatural gifts. Changing the roles of the old couple who previously acted as supporters of Azuri’s efforts to guide the spirits of children who died before their time into the next life. The cold couple now are actually supporting the shadow-lives of the dead children, which places them in an awkward position of either supporting Azuri and her gift, or supporting the shadow children and allowing the entity in Azuri’s new house to hurt or kill Azuri. Increases the pressure on Azuri to act; adds to her (and hopefully the audience’s) increasing tension.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn elevates lead characters

What I learned: Major characters need to stand out more. They need to lead; they cannot remain passive.

Changes I made: Azuri needs to delineate plan to deal with the Entity in her home rather than too often permitting other people to lead her.

Felicia (mom) and Azuri need to butt heads more often as Azuri feels her mom tries to direct her life. Cyrus (dad) needs to speak up for himself more.

Azuri’s friends (Lily and Roger) are okay as is, providing support for Azuri when needed and calling attention to her stronger qualities.

Old couple need to stand out a bit more. These characters, already somewhat kinky, could attract older actors who are retired or semi-retired.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn solves major problems.

What I learned: All 4 frequent problems can be solved. I my own case, the script needed a new beginning, and conflict needed to be intensified.

Beginning was rewritten as noted in reply to Lesson 6.

Ending remains the same, but is strengthened by making the conflict between Azuri and the Entity more intense. Also noted that there are places in the dialogue where there is too much exposition and not enough conflict.

Improving the transformational arc of Azuri’s mother (Felicia) also improves Azuri’s transformational arc and increases her conflict.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Outline Improvements

What I learned: Build start of film with rapidly increasing urgency as well as deepened involvement of mom in the plot as well as more emphasis on the background and motivations of the entity.

Additions:

New scene to open film – twelve years ago – parents awaken to 2-year-old Azuri crying uncontrollably. Mom finds infant baby boy not breathing – crib death.

This affects mom’s relationship with Azuri for the rest of Azuri’s childhood. Thinks she has some preternatural ability, fears her, but feels she must be that much stricter.

Felicia’s (mom’s) background comes more to light-she doesn’t want Azuri to have a childhood like hers, with a mom who was psychologically unavailable to her and unable to satisfy her material or mental needs.

The entity (Clytemnestra) is more persistent and violent than in original script. Forces Azuri to look deeper and faster for information on who the entity is, builds up Azuri’s stress faster. This in turn increases demands on mom as well as Azuri’s best friend Lily.

The entity is forced to change her own programme of trying to rid the house of these living human interlopers.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Character Story Lines

What I learned – Know who all your characters are – let them then interact as the people they are would interact. Affects story line, makes it more complete.

Azuri Burris (Protagonist) – needs a more thorough role

· Beginning – Starts with incident when she was 2 years old that she only vaguely remembers-intractable crying spell when somehow she knows that her infant brother in another room has stopped breathing.

· Inciting incident-realizes that some entity inhabits her new home. Is it hostile?

· Turning point-starts to investigate who the entity is-what tragic thing happened in her house before it was renovated and her parents bought it. Other things happen to her too-she starts having anxiety attacks during which series of images flash across her brain and totally take over her body and mind.

· Midpoint-knows where little boy’s body is. Why/how does she know this?

· Turning point 2: Entity’s actions grow more frequent and more hostile. Parents begin thinking she’s having psychotic episodes. Friends think she’s a witch.

· Dilemma: Has to solve the answers: Who is the entity and what does it want? What are these other episodes that take her out of her mind?

· Major conflict: Solving above problems. Friend’s (Lily’s) mom has an answer. She doesn’t like it. Entity sets her house on fire and she’s trapped inside.

· Ending: She realizes who the entity is and what it needs. Uses her psychic experiences to solve the entity’s problems and help it escape from this life.

Clytemnestra Randall (The Entity; antagonist))

· Beginning – As a teenager, killed in a fire that burned a portion of her house. Can’t let go of life. Too young, barely started living. Can’t let anyone else take over her house. It’s hers.

· Inciting incident-Azuri and her family move in.

· Turning point-Got to drive them out. But Azuri is trying to get to know her. No one ever did that before. She was always rejected

· Midpoint-no, this family has got to suffer as she did. Drive them out at all costs.

· Turning point 2: Azuri is making more efforts to find out who she is and communicate with her. She’s stupid-thinks she’s a boy or a man.

· Dilemma: Should she trust this girl and open herself to her, or should she drive her out? Kill her if necessary.

· Major conflict: Wants to continue living as Azuri is now living; needs respect, love, and sympathy of other people. Azuri can give her that. But she can’t bring her back to life.

· Ending: Gives in. Saves Azuri’s life, lets Azuri replace her.

Felicia Burris (Azuri’s mom) – needs a more fleshed-out role

· Beginning: Blames herself for her infant son’s crib death. She should have paid attention to Azuri’s crying.

· Inciting incident-something unusual but frightening about Azuri. What’s going to happen next? Will it be something good, or will it be evil? Even as Azuri is growing up, always a little afraid of her

· Turning point-Responds by being very strict with her. No cell phone, no slack.

· Midpoint-How did Azuri know where they would find the body of the little boy who’s been missing for years? This is it-something very frightening about Azuri. She’s turning to the devil. Or she’s psychotic. Schizophrenic.

· Dilemma-got to object to everything Azuri does. Wants to mother her, but scared of what she will do.

· Major conflict-can’t deal with the changes in Azuri. Doesn’t understand them, fears them. Better send her away; maybe Grandma or Uncle Hunter and his model children can help her.

· Ending: Was too quick to blame Azuri. Even though she’s got special powers, Azuri’s just a kid; needs her help. Not too late.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Character Profiles

What I learned: Yes, knowing each character more intimately can lead to major improvements in the script.

Name: Azuri Burris

Role in Story: Protagonist; must solve problems of who the entity living in her new house is, what the entity wants and how to deal with it without it killing or wounding herself and her parents

Core Traits: Loyal; decisive; empathetic almost to a fault; needs emotional support of friends and parents to function to her max; feels responsible for everything and everyone, blames herself if things go wrong.

Motivation: Needs to make sure she and everyone around her is safe. Wants to solve the problem to everyone’s satisfaction.

Flaw: need to please everyone. Wound: without even realizing it, feels responsible for her brother’s death even though she was only 2 years old at the time.

Secret/hidden agenda: Unable to defend herself when she’s attacked, since she blames herself. Needs to prove herself to herself as well as to everyone else.

Internal Dilemma: Needs to impose her sense of rightness and fairness, yet needs approval of others just as much even if their values do not match her own.

What makes this character perfect for her role in the story? Needs to identify with the entity and satisfy its needs even as she needs to cast it out of everyone’s life.

NAME: Clytemnestra Randall

Role in Story: Unidentified entity residing in Azuri’s new house; was killed in the fire that burned a portion of the house years ago, cannot accept her own death, wans either to replace Azuri or make her suffer the same fate.

Core traits: Self-pity; no qualms about making other people suffer; needs acceptance and respect from others; yet still some vague sense of empathy.

Motivation: Wants to continue living as Azuri is now living; needs respect, love, and sympathy of other people.

Flaw: selfish. Wound: it was unfair that she had to die so young.

Secret/Hidden Agenda: She’d replace Azuri if she could. But there’s a slight problem—she’s dead.

Internal Dilemma: Doesn’t really want to hurt Azuri or her family, but wants them gone.

What makes this character perfect for her role in the story? She can continually taunt Azuri and make Azuri and her family suffer, then holds back. Gives conflicting signals to the living so that they don’t know how to respond.

NAME: Felicia Burris

Role in Story: Azuri’s mother; wants what’s best for Azuri, but does not give her enough space. Feels Azuri is special in some way due to the incident when Azuri was 2 years old, but keeps worrying that whatever preternatural trait Azuri possesses, it can manifest as something evil as well as good.

Core traits: Devoted to those she loves; loving but possessive. More protective of her own interests than those of her husband or her daughter. Trusts her husband implicitly, but wary of her daughter and her daughter’s powers.

Motivation: Watches out for members of her family; always on the lookout for some sign of lack of loyalty on their part.

Flaw: overly self-centered. Wound: not manifest. (Black? Grew up poor? Father and/or mother deserted family?)

Secret/hidden agenda: ready to reject anything she cannot understand

Internal dilemma: Wants Azuri to stand up for herself, but only on her own terms

What makes this character perfect for her role in the story? She forces Azuri to make her own decisions but increases pressure on Azuri to be perfect.

NAME: Lily Daly

Role in Story: Azuri’s best friend, always there to back Azuri up and support her

Core Traits: Loyalty; talkative-all her thoughts on the surface; resentful of her mom’s strict rules

Motivation: To help Azuri solve the issue of the entity in her home; to use Azuri’s knowledge to solve the issue surrounding her own home.

Flaw: Pushy. Wound: Mom’s former illness (Graves disease); mom’s background as a spiritual medium as well as an overcritical schoolteacher

Secret/hidden agenda: none. Assumes Azuri’s successes as her own

Internal dilemma: None evident. (Needs approval of her friends beyond reasonable?)

What makes this character perfect for her role in the story? Pushes Azuri to do more as well as be the perfect friend; in return for her loyalty.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Genre Conventions

What I learned: Wow, there really IS a way of improving the structure!

TITLE: Home with a Past

GENRE: Horror

CONCEPT: A teenage girl must deal with the demands of a hostile Entity in her new home even as she relives the dying moments of children from around the world, while trying to convince friends she’s not a witch and parents she’s not psychotic.

Act 1:

[NEW: Consider starting film with scene when Azuri was 2 years old and cried uncontrollably when her infant brother in other room suffered crib death. Colors the rest of her life as well as her parents’ attitude toward her.] Then see family entering new rural Oregon home, aware it has a
past history of some tragic incident that happened there. Azuri’s unexplained vision, later invisible
footsteps, frightening sound; her unexplained acute anxiety reaction in neighbor’s barn. Investigate other homes sold
with similar history; consult old people in neighboring house; another
similar, but more frightening incident occurs.

Act 2:

Finally makes contact with the
entity, but it raises more questions than it solves. Entity ups the ante;
pushes mom down cellar stairs
Azuri blamed for her mom; more
episodes of experiencing kids’ dying thoughts; more desperate efforts to
find who the entity was in life and what it wants. [Expand entity’s background. Mom reveals episode that occurred when brother died.] Attempt to kill or severely
wound Azuri. Friends turn against her, think she’s a witch; parents think
she’s having mental breakdown

Act 3:

More information from old
folks; prod real-estate agent for more history, visit last house with a
past
More extreme experience of
violent thoughts of teen who killed his father; entity attacks mom again;
garage burns when only Azuri is home. Both parents now fully blame Azuri
and want to send her away
Almost out of control, Azuri
runs away, no longer knows whom to turn to.

Act 4:

Azuri desperately contacts
entity, finds she and the entity have much in common. House begins to burn
as Azuri is asleep alone upstairs. Final discussion with entity as Azuri
breathes in smoke, falls into a coma
Resolution: The entity sees
itself in Azuri, saves her from the fire by carrying her outside the house
to safety. Azuri experiences the entity’s last dying thoughts as it
passes on into death.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Structure

What I learned: How to think of movie structure as a 4-act whole. Still find this difficult.

Title: Home with a Past

Genre: Horror

Concept: A teenage girl must deal with the demands of a hostile Entity in her new home even as she relives the dying moments of children from around the world, while trying to convince friends she’s not a witch and parents she’s not psychotic.

Main Conflict: Teenager vs. hostile and unknown entity.

4-Act Structure:

Act 1:

Enter new home, aware it has a
past history of some tragic incident that happened there
Unexplained vision, invisible
footsteps, frightening sound; Azuri’s unexplained acute anxiety reaction
Investigate other homes sold
with same history; consult old people in neighboring house; another
similar, but more frightening incident occurs

Act 2:

Finally makes contact with the
entity, but it raises more questions than it solves. Entity ups the ante;
pushes mom down cellar stairs
Azuri blamed for her mom; more
episodes of experiencing kids’ dying thoughts; more desperate efforts to
find who the entity was in life and what it wants
Attempt to kill or severely
wound Azuri. Friends turn against her, think she’s a witch; parents think
she’s having mental breakdown

Act 3:

More information from old
folks; prod real-estate agent for more history, visit last house with a
past
More extreme experience of
violent thoughts of teen who killed his father; entity attacks mom again; garage
burns when only Azuri is home. Both parents now fully blame Azuri and want
to send her away
Almost out of control, Azuri
runs away, no longer knows whom to turn to.

Act 4:

Azuri desperately contacts
entity, finds she and the entity have much in common. House begins to burn
as Azuri is asleep alone upstairs. Final discussion with entity as Azuri
breathes in smoke, falls into a coma
Resolution: The entity sees
itself in Azuri, saves her from the fire by carrying her outside the house
to safety. Azuri experiences thee entity’s last dying thoughts as it
passes on into death.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Title: Home with a Past

Genre: Horror

High Concept: A teenage girl must deal with the demands of a hostile Entity in her new rural home even as she relives the dying moments of children from around the world, while trying to convince friends she’s not a witch and parents she’s not psychotic.

Main Conflict: Teenager vs. this mysterious entity, that goads her at every turn and makes her life miserable but will not communicate with her.

Transformational journey: Azuri goes from thinking it would be cool if her “new” home was haunted to how to deal with an actual entity that resides there and wants her and her family dead or gone. And why is she having to deal with the dying thoughts of other teens around the world that she never knew?

Outline done; corresponds well to genre convention but I can already see portions that need beefing up, change in order of events, or slow the action.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Hi All,

I’m Ed. I’m glad to see that two of you were born in the Fifties. I was born in the Forties.

I’m working on my 3rd script. The other two are still lying around waiting for further attention. Hoping to be able to polish this one and get it made into a full-length feature (low budget).

I’m a physician, still working. I’ve published three novels and have a musical play I’m shopping around. I believe we’re all unique, and a little crazy. Why else would be keep doing what we’re doing?

[Edward Etzkorn]

Edward Etzkorn

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Phone Pitch

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS LESSON-How to make a short and effective phone pitch.

(Great title and high concept)

I’m Ed Etzkorn. I’ve written a full-length (90 minute) horror script called “Home with a Past.”

It concerns a black teenage girl who must confront a hostile entity that claims her family’s new home as its own, at the same time that she relives the last moments of dying children she never met.

Credibility—I’ve published three novels. This screenplay and a second screenplay won finalist to quarter-finalist positions in contests. As a doctor, I’ve witnessed the deaths of many people, and studied reports of patients who had near-death experiences. Plus I lived several years in a haunted house. (Yes, really!)

Answers to questions:

1) Budget range – low (3 to 4 million).

2) Three main actors are teenagers, and I would anticipate these roles being filled by unknown actors. Of a number of adult roles, it needs two septuaginarians to play a quirky elderly couple—I think these would be excellent roles for well-known actors who are now semi-retired.

3) At end—The Entity at last communicates in an intelligible way, but only after it has trapped Azuri inside her own burning home. Using the skills she’s learned from coping with dying children, Azuri helps the Entity accept its inevitable death, and as its last act on earth it delivers her to safety as her home burns to the ground.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Pitch-Fest Pitch

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS LESSON: How to pitch in person

I’m Ed Etzkorn. I’ve written a full-length (90 minute) horror script called “Home with a Past.”

It concerns a black teenage girl who must confront a hostile entity that claims her family’s new home as its own. At the same time she begins reliving the dying moments of children she never met, helping them pass on to a peaceful death.

Other kids think she’s a witch. Her parents think she needs psychiatric help. She herself doesn’t know whether to befriend the entity or try to cast it out.

Credibility—I’ve published three novels. This screenplay and a second screenplay won finalist to quarter-finalist positions in contests. As a doctor, I’ve witnessed the deaths of quite a few patients, and studied reports on patients who were clinically dead for several minutes prior to resuscitation. And I lived several years in a haunted house. (Yes, really!)

Answers to questions:

1) Budget range – low (3 to 4 million).

2) Three main actors are teenagers, and I would anticipate these roles being filled by new actors. It has several adult roles, too. In particular, it needs two septuaginarians to play an elderly couple—I think these would be excellent roles for well-known actors who are now semi-retired.

3) More details—The Entity that lives in Azuri’s home reveals itself only to her—but only through mockery, cryptic statements, or violence. She can’t communicate with it, doesn’t know if it wants to kill her or bond with her. At the same time, Azuri unexpectedly finds herself reliving the dying moments of children she did not know, children whose deaths came unexpectedly. Heather, the mother of Azuri’s friend, thinks she knows what’s going on with Azuri. But it’s not something Azuri wants to hear.

4) At end—The Entity at last communicates in an intelligible way, but only after it has trapped Azuri inside her own burning home. Using skills she’s learned coping with the dying issues of other children, Azuri helps the Entity accept its inevitable death, and it delivers her to safety as her home burns to the ground.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Query Letter

Genre: Horror

Fourteen-year-old Azuri loves the realtor’s sign in front of her family’s “new” house: “Home with a Past.” Maybe this move won’t be so bad after all. “How cool would it be if the house had a ghost?!”

It does. And it’s not so cool. As it wreaks havoc in her home, the Entity reveals itself only to her. Does it want to kill her, or bond with her?

To add to her stress, Azuri finds herself reliving the dying moments of other people’s lives—all of them children whose deaths came unexpectedly.

Although some new friends support her, other kids believe she’s a witch. Her parents think she’s psychotic.

Heather, Azuri’s friend’s mom, thinks she knows what’s going on with Azuri. And it’s not something Azuri wants to hear.

At last the Entity communicates in an intelligible way. But it communicates only as the house burns, with Azuri trapped inside.

If you like this concept, I’d be happy to send the full script.

BIO: Edward is a physician who has dealt with death all too often. He used to live in a haunted house. This script has thus far placed in three contests.

Contact: Edward Etzkorn…

WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT: A fresh and great way of composing a query letter.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

High Concept:

A teenage girl has to relive the dying moments
of children she never met, even as she struggles to deal with the demands of an
unknown entity in her own home.

Elevator:

Just finishing a horror script about a teenage
girl who has to deal with an entity inside her own home and solve the dying
issues of children she never met.

What I Learned from Lesson 6: Differences between logline, high concept, and elevator pitches; how to harrow out that single idea that will summarize the main character’s journey.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed’s Ten Most Interesting Things

1. Major hooks of opening: a) Realtor specializes in homes with a history of some awful event

b) As she enters the home, Azuri is enveloped by a vision of burning and destruction

2. Both Azuri and the Entity are teens – does the Entity want to kill her or bond with her?

3. Entity’s multiple violent or cryptic ways of communicating

4. Azuri’s recurrent episodes of “becoming” children in their dying moments

5. Azuri predicts where they will find long-dead and disappeared child

6. Reveal: Azuri’s mom believed Azuri as a two-year-old “felt” her younger brother’s crib death

7. Entity pushes Azuri’s mom down basement stairs. Azuri’s parents blame Azuri.

8. Teen friends believe Azuri is a witch; parents believe she’s psychotic

9. Entity at last communicates via computer. She’s a girl, and Azuri’s age!

10. Home burns, with only Azuri and the Entity inside

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Producer/manager

To producer: I anticipate my horror film would appeal to teens as well as adults. Expect PG-13 rating. Main character is a black teen girl, and three of the six main characters are teens. Would appeal to folks who loved The Sixth Sense and Stranger Things.

To manager: The above, plus I would point out that a second screenplay is also completed and would appeal to the same potential viewers. A third screenplay is in the works, and because of more violence and a more mature/questioning outlook, would appeal more to adults. As it relates to climate change, it is more timely than the first two projects.

What I learned from this assignment: Working with people whose outlooks are different from mine as the writer requires viewing my potential film from quite different perspectives.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Edward Etzkorn. Reason: Forgot to include "What I learned..."

[Edward Etzkorn]

Reply to Lesson 2

Current logline: After learning that her new house is inhabited by a hostile entity, and overwhelmed by unwanted demands from the entity as well as from other deceased contacts, a teenage girl must open lines of communication with the dead as well as convince her parents and friends that she is neither psychotic nor a witch.

Marketable components:

Great title – “Home with a Past” (new–former title “Piece of Local History”) – can emphasize the location of the story and how the attachment of its resident entity has taken over the main character’s life and forced her to take part in the dying moments of other dead children’s lives.

Similar to other successful films – In many ways resembles “The Sixth Sense,” only the prime roles are a black teenage girl and the mother of a white friend.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT – A totally different way of viewing the screenplay, from the standpoint of a producer rather than the write/creator.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Title: Piece of Local History

Genre: Horror

Concept: Fourteen-year-old Azuri knows there is something amiss when she first enters the renovated house her parents bought through a realtor specializing in homes where something horrendous happened. Little does she know she will soon be reliving the painful death of its former teenage resident, as well as the deaths of multiple teens from the local area and the other side of the world.

Most attractive thing about it: Character-driven, hopefully appeals to teens as well as adults.

Learned the difference between a pitch, a hook, and a logline.

[Edward Etzkorn]

I, Edward Etzkorn, agree to the terms of this agreement.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Hi All! I’m Ed. Great to meet you all! I’ve completed 3 screenplays, starting in 2021. I’ve published 3 novels over the years, one of which provides fodder for a screenplay. I’ve entered a number of screenplay contests, never won one but didn’t do too badly. Hoping to figure out what to do next with the screenplays. i’ve also been a doctor for quite a few years, still practicing in California.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Hi Lora,

I realize you’ve already partnered three time. Would you have time for a fourth? I’d really like to exchange with you if that works. I do like dragons. My script is a supernatural thriller, probably PG-13ish.

Thanks! -Ed

[Edward Etzkorn]

Thank you so much, Lora!

Your comment is so a propos! It has helped me realize that one of the main things missing in my script is a stronger role for the antagonist. In the current version of the script, Azuri does not realize who she is until near the end. The girls need to be learning more about each other as the script progresses so the ending will be that much more meaningful. You’ve really helped me with a breakthrough!

Ed