Edward Gillow
Forum Replies Created
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Many pardons to both of you. I thought I would have more time to work on this class but as luck would have it, some acting projects have come in. Yeah! I want to get my outline posted and have two new pairs of eyes on it and I can look at your outlines as well… looks like the schedule for posting assignments is quite aggressive. anyways, still around just lagging behind you two. too bad there isn’t an easier way to communicate with each other at the same time. cheers.
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Lesson 7 ASSIGNMENT
Ed. Gillow – Solves Major Problems!
What I learned from doing this assignment is that when you work on a screenplay for seven years that you are able to make stronger: the transformational journey, central conflict, stronger opening, and stronger ending. But going through this exercise was beneficial as a check.
• A Need Stronger Transformational Journey – check / nc
• B Need Stronger Conflict – check / nc
• C Need Stronger Opening – check / nc
• D Need Stronger Ending – check / nc-
This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by
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Ed. Gillow – Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is that if you do optimum work on pitch, 4 act structure, genre conventions, character actions, and character’s story line then my confidence that my outline is tip top is high.
Deliver on the pitch. – no changes
Match your 4-Act structure. – no changes
Strong on Genre Conventions. – no changes
The Characters Take Action from their Profiles. – no changes
Build in each Character’s Story Line. – no changess
Since no changes were made to the above items, the outline required no changes.-
This reply was modified 12 months ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 12 months ago by
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Ed. Gillow – Character Story Lines
What I learned from this exercise: analyzing characters within a narrative framework involves crafting dynamic arcs that interweave personal vendettas, moral dilemmas, and thematic conflicts to drive the story forward and deepen the characters' development.
Moses:
Beginning: Moses, a celebrated tracker, begins as a respected leader within his Native American community, known for his exceptional skills and unwavering commitment to his people.
Inciting Incident: The inciting incident occurs when the US Government hires Moses and teams him with Boone to pursue Jose, reigniting his personal vendetta against the antagonist and propelling him onto the journey.
Turning Point: The turning point happens when Moses discovers that Jose's actions are driven by his plan to kidnap a VIP to fund his nephew's revolution, realizing the urgency of stopping him to save his people.
Midpoint: At the midpoint, Moses learns of Boone's history with Jose and their shared motivations for revenge, leading to a reluctant alliance as they join forces to confront their common enemy.
Turning Point 2: The second turning point occurs when Moses and Boone's pursuit of Jose leads them into increasingly dangerous territory, testing their resolve and forcing them to confront their past traumas and personal demons.
Dilemma: Moses faces the dilemma of either seeking vengeance for his sister's abduction, risking further harm and isolation, or finding a way to rescue her while also preventing Jose from funding the revolution and endangering countless lives.
Major Conflict: The ultimate experience of Moses's conflict is a climactic showdown with Jose, where he must use all of his tracking skills and spiritual strength to outwit and defeat the antagonist, saving his sister and stopping the ransom plot.
Ending: In the end, Moses's world has changed as he emerges victorious but scarred from the conflict, finding solace in the reunion with his sister and the justice served to Jose, while also recognizing the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation in moving forward.
Boone:
Beginning: Boone, an equally skilled bounty hunter, begins as a solitary figure driven by a thirst for revenge against Jose for killing his father in the Indian Wars.
Inciting Incident: The inciting incident occurs when Boone's path crosses with Moses's, offering him an opportunity to channel his vengeful nature towards a shared goal of confronting Jose and seeking justice for his father's death.
Turning Point: The turning point happens when Boone learns of Jose's involvement in Moses's sister's kidnapping, intertwining his personal vendetta with Moses's quest for redemption and propelling him onto the journey to confront their common enemy.
Midpoint: At the midpoint, Boone's relentless pursuit of revenge is tested when he is faced with a moral dilemma that challenges his sense of right and wrong, forcing him to reconsider his actions and motivations.
Turning Point 2: The second turning point occurs when Boone's single-minded focus on revenge endangers Moses and their mission, leading to a reckoning with his own culpability and the consequences of his choices.
Dilemma: Boone faces the dilemma of either continuing down the path of vengeance, risking further harm and isolation, or finding redemption by aligning himself with Moses and confronting their common enemy together, balancing justice with mercy.
Major Conflict: The ultimate experience of Boone's conflict is a confrontation with his own inner demons, as he grapples with the consequences of his actions and seeks to find a sense of purpose beyond his desire for revenge.
Ending: In the end, Boone's world has changed as he finds redemption through his alliance with Moses and their shared victory over Jose, realizing that true strength comes from unity and solidarity rather than vengeance and resentment.
Jose:
Beginning: Jose, a cunning and power-hungry antagonist, begins as a ruthless leader with a plan to kidnap a VIP to fund his nephew's revolution, driven by his ambition and desire for control.
Inciting Incident: The inciting incident occurs when Jose kidnaps the VIP for ransom.
Turning Point: The turning point happens when Jose's actions attract the attention of both Moses and Boone, forcing him to adapt his plans and tactics to evade capture and achieve his goals.
Midpoint: At the midpoint, Jose's control over the conflict is challenged by unforeseen obstacles and resistance from Moses and Boone, leading to a shift in his strategy and a tightening of his grip on his captives.
Turning Point 2: The second turning point occurs when Jose's forces suffer a major setback, pushing him to resort to more desperate and ruthless measures to achieve his goals, including endangering the lives of his hostages.
Dilemma: Jose faces the dilemma of either continuing to pursue his ambitions at any cost, risking everything he has built for the sake of power, or accepting defeat and relinquishing control, facing the consequences of his actions and the wrath of his enemies.
Major Conflict: The ultimate experience of Jose's conflict is a climactic showdown with Moses and Boone, where he must confront the consequences of his ruthlessness and ambition, facing the possibility of defeat and the loss of everything he holds dear.
Ending: In the end, Jose's world has changed as he is defeated and stripped of his power, facing the consequences of his actions and the realization that true strength comes not from domination but from respect and cooperation with others.-
This reply was modified 1 year ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by
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Ed. Gillow’s Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is analyzing characters in a screenplay involves understanding their core traits, motivations, flaws, and roles within the narrative, emphasizing their dynamic interplay and contributions to the story's thematic depth and conflict resolution.
A. Name: Moses
B. Role in the Story: Protagonist. Moses serves as the moral center and guiding force of the narrative, teaming with Boone on a quest against the antagonist, Jose. As a Native American deeply connected to spirituality and family, Moses stands in contrast to Boone’s vengeful and morally ambiguous nature.
C. Core Traits: Spiritual, Family-Centric, Traditional, Trustworthy.
D. Motivation: Want: Moses's primary goal is to protect his community and preserve their way of life, especially in the face of threats posed by Jose's ambitions. Need: Internally, Moses may need to reconcile his spiritual beliefs with the harsh realities of the world, finding inner peace and strength to confront the challenges ahead.
E. Flaw/Wound: Flaw: Moses's unwavering dedication to tradition and family may sometimes blind him to alternative perspectives or opportunities for growth. Wound: He carries a deep emotional wound from past traumas or losses, which may shape his interactions with others and his approach to conflict.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret: conceals his doubts or vulnerabilities from others, projecting an image of strength and confidence to inspire and reassure his community. Hidden Agenda: harbors a hidden agenda to protect ones dear to him, even if it means making sacrifices or difficult decisions without others' knowledge.
G. Internal Dilemma: Stability vs. Change: grapples with the tension between preserving tradition and embracing change, torn between the safety of the familiar and the uncertainty of the unknown.
H. Perfect Fit for Role: Moses's character embodies the heart and soul of the story, providing a moral compass for the audience to follow amidst the conflict between good and evil represented by Boone and Jose, respectively. His spiritual strength, family-centric values, and unwavering commitment to tradition not only drive his own journey but also serve as a source of inspiration and guidance for the other characters. As the protagonist, Moses's quest to protect his community and confront the antagonist reflects the larger themes of identity, resilience, and cultural preservation at the core of the narrative, making him the perfect foil to Boone's darker nature and a formidable opponent to Jose's malevolent ambitions.
A. Name: Boone
B. Role in the Story: Anti-Hero. Boone serves as a foil to Moses, representing a darker and more conflicted perspective. Teamed with Moses on the quest to find Jose, Boone's motivations are driven by revenge, and his actions often challenge the moral boundaries of the story.
C. Core Traits: Vengeful, Morally Ambiguous, Resentful, Tough, Untrusting, Scarred, Independent, Ruthless
D. Motivation: Want: Boone's primary goal is likely to exact revenge on those he believes wronged him, driving him to pursue Jose and anyone else he perceives as standing in his way. Need: Internally, Boone needs to confront his own demons or come to terms with the source of his anger and resentment, which is tied to his past.
E. Flaw/Wound: Flaw: Boone's relentless pursuit of revenge blinds him to other perspectives and potential consequences, often leading him down a path of self-destruction. Wound: He carries a deep psychological wound from a traumatic event, shaping his worldview and driving his need for vengeance.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret: Boone harbors a secret shame or guilt, related to his past actions or the circumstances that led him to seek revenge. Hidden Agenda: To manipulate or exploit others for his own gain, using their trust or vulnerabilities to further his own objectives without their knowledge.
G. Internal Dilemma: Justice vs. Revenge: Boone grapples with the desire for justice and closure versus the temptation to seek revenge at any cost, potentially conflicting with his moral compass and sense of right and wrong.
H. Perfect Fit for Role: Boone's character serves as a compelling counterbalance to Moses, adding depth and complexity to the story's dynamics. His vengeful nature and morally ambiguous actions create tension and conflict, challenging both the protagonist and the audience's perceptions of morality and justice. Boone's independence, toughness, and ruthlessness make him a formidable force in the narrative, driving the plot forward while forcing the other characters to confront their own beliefs and values in the face of his relentless pursuit of revenge.
A. Name: Jose
B. Role in the Story: Antagonist. Jose serves as the primary source of conflict and opposition to Moses and Boone's quest. As the personification of evil, Jose embodies the darker aspects of human nature, presenting a formidable challenge to the protagonists.
C. Core Traits: Ruthless, Power-Hungry, Manipulative, Ambitious, Merciless, Calculating, Amoral.
D. Motivation: Want: Jose's primary goal is to amass wealth, power, or control, driven by his insatiable appetite for domination and influence. Need: Internally, Jose craves validation or recognition, seeking to prove his superiority or worthiness through his actions and accomplishments.
E. Flaw/Wound: Flaw: Jose's relentless pursuit of power and domination blinds him to the potential consequences of his actions, leading to his downfall. Wound: He carries a deep-seated insecurity or sense of inadequacy, stemming from past failures or betrayals, which drives his need for validation and control.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret: Jose hides his true motivations or vulnerabilities behind a facade of strength and confidence, concealing his inner doubts and fears from others. Hidden Agenda: To manipulate or exploit the protagonists for his own gain, using their weaknesses or desires to further his own ambitions without their knowledge.
G. Internal Dilemma:
Domination vs. Connection: Jose may struggle between his desire for total control and domination over others and a subconscious yearning for genuine human connection or acceptance.
H. Perfect Fit for Role:
Jose's character embodies the ultimate threat to the protagonists, driving the central conflict of the story forward through his ruthless pursuit of power and control. His manipulative nature and amoral actions create a sense of urgency and danger, forcing Moses and Boone to confront their own limitations and vulnerabilities in their quest to stop him. Jose's ruthlessness, ambition, and cunning make him a formidable adversary, challenging the protagonists on both physical and psychological levels as they strive to overcome the personification of evil standing in their way.
Answer the questions to improve the Character Profiles for all Characters listed above.
• A: Are there any parts of the profile that you could improve? No.
• B: Can this character fulfill their role in the story more effectively? No.-
This reply was modified 1 year ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by
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Jessica, thanks for your comments. very kind. I think your script has great potential. So the man that is attacked and dies is the protag’s father? I know I just asked this of you, but do you see this as a short film or feature. based on your answer i can give you some more beneficial feedback. it is a high concept movie and horror is one of my favorite genres.
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Hey Jessica. Stories are everywhere but I tend to stick to genres i know. I have one script i’ve been working on for over 20 years and now converting it into a novel and will redo the script. Can usually bang out a script in 3 months if I don’t have any acting gigs. Once you get the hang of writing these and use a scriptwriting software (FInal Draft) it gets pretty easy. I like the save the cat structure so yes I’m a big believer in outlining. STC only gives you 15 major beats but by time you’re finished you have 40 to 45 beats. I hope that answered your question. Pardon delay on location filming and long days…
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Jessica your Death Cleaning has a very interesting story line and lots of opportunity to have tons of interest techniques utilized in it. I see the creature getting into the act when your protag is fighting the landlord for her life. lIke when all is lost it comes to the rescue. Also being bitten by one of the pups what happens to her? super powers, turns into a hybrid creature? Lot of paths you could follow here.. nice work! do you see this being a short film or feature?
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Ed. Gillow’s 4 Act structure
What I learned doing this assignment is…Creating a solid 4-Act Transformational Structure requires careful consideration of the protagonist’s journey, the main conflict, and the dynamics with the antagonist.
Title: Sidetracked
Genre: Western
Concept: In a desperate bid to save his ranch, Moses, a retired Native American tracker, teams up with Boone, a racist bounty hunter, to rescue a kidnapped boy from a ruthless gang leader.
Main Conflict: Moses must overcome his prejudices and work with Boone to save his ranch, while Boone must confront his racism and work alongside Moses to track down the kidnappers.
Act 1:
Opening: Introduce Moses and his dire situation with the foreclosure looming over his ranch.
Inciting Incident: Moses learns that his family is directly threatened by Jose and his gang.
Turning Point: Moses reluctantly agrees to partner with Boone when he realizes they both have a common enemy in Jose.
Act 2:
New plan: Moses and Boone strategize their approach to track down Jose and rescue the kidnapped boy.
Plan in action: They set out into the dangerous Texas wilderness, facing various obstacles and challenges.
Midpoint Turning Point: Despite their initial animosity, Moses and Boone begin to develop a begrudging respect for each other as they work together to overcome obstacles.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Moses and Boone encounter setbacks and begin to doubt their ability to succeed.
New plan: They reassess their tactics and form a new plan to outsmart Jose and his gang.
Turning Point: In a moment of crisis, their plan fails spectacularly, leading to a major shift in their approach.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Moses and Boone face off against Jose and his gang in a final showdown, risking everything to save the kidnapped boy and protect Moses’ family.
Resolution: Despite the odds, Moses and Boone emerge victorious, not only saving the boy but also forging a newfound respect and understanding for each other.
Antagonist Dynamics: Jose and his gang serve as a constant threat, pushing Moses and Boone to their limits and forcing them to confront their own prejudices.
Additional Details:
Moses’ inherent tracking skills and Boone’s history with Jose and Moses add depth to their characters and motivations.
The danger posed to Moses’ family by Jose’s gang creates high stakes and drives the urgency of their mission.
The forced alliance between Moses and Boone, born out of their shared vendetta against Jose, sets the stage for a compelling character arc.
This exercise helped me recognize the importance of crafting a coherent and impactful journey for both the protagonist and antagonist, as well as ensuring each beat of the story serves to drive the narrative forward and deepen the characters’ development. -
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is if you have a winning logline, one pager then pitches are easier to put together.
Subject: Ed. Gillow Logline and One Page and pitch
PITCH.
A. Genre: Western
B. Title: Sidetracked
C. High Concept: In a desperate bid to save his ranch, Moses, a retired Native American tracker, puts aside his differences to partner with Boone, a racist bounty hunter. Together, they must find a powerful Mexican VIP’s kidnapped son before a ruthless gang leader disappears with him. Their uneasy alliance faces a perilous journey across Texas, forcing them to confront their own prejudices and navigate treacherous terrain to protect those they love in a race against time.
D. Main Conflict: The main conflict centers on Moses’ need to save his ranch from foreclosure. He needs the money from this job, but working with the racist Boone creates significant challenges.
E. Transformational Journey: Both Moses and Boone will undergo a transformation. Moses will have to overcome his prejudices and Boone will need to confront his own racism as they are forced to rely on each other.
F. Opposition: The bounty hunters will face opposition from the ruthless gang leader who kidnapped the VIP’s son and his crew.Note: Logline is in the one pager
Title: Sidetracked
Genre: Western
Logline:
In a desperate bid to save his ranch from foreclosure, a retired Native American tracker must put aside his prejudices as he reluctantly takes on one last job — partnering with a racist bounty hunter in a high-stakes Texas manhunt. Their mission intensifies as they strive to rescue the abducted son of a powerful Mexican VIP from a ruthless gang leader, setting off a perilous journey across Texas. As the tracker's family becomes entangled in the danger, the uneasy alliance faces a test of overcoming deep-seated prejudices and navigating the treacherous terrain to protect those they love in a race against time.
Synopsis:
Moses, a retired Native American tracker, faces the imminent foreclosure of his ranch. In a desperate attempt to save it, he agrees to partner with Boone, a racist bounty hunter, on a dangerous mission. Their task: to rescue the kidnapped son of a powerful Mexican VIP from a ruthless gang leader, Jose.
As they journey across Texas, facing both natural and human obstacles, Moses and Boone must confront their own prejudices and learn to work together despite their differences. Along the way, they are forced to rely on each other in increasingly perilous situations, testing the limits of their partnership.
As tensions rise and the deadline looms, Moses and his family become entangled in the danger, adding an emotional layer to their already precarious situation. In a race against time, Moses and Boone must overcome their personal demons and navigate the treacherous terrain of Texas to save the kidnapped victim and protect their loved ones.
Themes:
Prejudice and overcoming differences
Redemption and personal transformation
The bonds of family and loyalty
The harsh realities of the Wild West
Characters:
Moses: A retired Native American tracker, determined to save his ranch and protect his family.
Boone: A racist bounty hunter with a troubled past, forced to confront his own prejudices.
Giovanni: The son of a powerful Mexican VIP, whose life hangs in the balance.
Jose: A ruthless criminal mastermind, determined to evade capture at any cost.
Visual Style:
Sidetracked captures the rugged beauty and harshness of the Texas landscape, with sweeping vistas and intense action sequences. The film's visual style is grounded in realism, with gritty cinematography and authentic costumes and sets.
Conclusion:
Sidetracked is a gripping Western thriller that combines heart-pounding action with powerful themes of redemption and personal growth. With its compelling characters, breathtaking scenery, and suspenseful plot, it promises to captivate audiences and leave a lasting impression.-
This reply was modified 1 year ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by
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1. Ed. Gillow
2. 30 scripts at various stages. Desperately needing rewrites.
3. Script rewrites of the past have been by the seat of my pants. Be nice to have a process.
4. TV and Film actor, plus commercials and print. -
Ed. Gillow: I agree to the terms of this group release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by
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Ed. Gillow Rewrite of QE Cycle #6
What I learned is that practice makes perfect with interest techniques, etc.
LOGLINE: Two people enter an escape room as best friends and leave as lovers.
ESSENCE: A challenging situation can bring the best (or worse) out of people.
SCENE:
INT. ESCAPE ROOM – DAY
CARLEY, 20s, dressed in skin-tight red knit dress and looks that kill strides into the escape room.
MARCUS, early 30s, dressed in gym clothes follows behind Carley. He enjoys the view in front of him.
The room door slams shut.
INTERCOM
A man-made virus is wreaking havoc across the world. Intel suggests the virus originated in a rogue lab headed by the renowned virologist, Dr. Cyrus. You must investigate this abandoned lab and find the cure for the virus before the lab is compromised. Time is running out and the fate of humanity rides on the success of your assignment. You have sixty minutes, starting now.
Carley and Marcus hear the door mechanism lock.
Countdown clock above the door begins ticking down.
MARCUS
I told you to wear comfy clothes. Not that skin tight stuff you normally wear.
CARLEY
Sorry, I thought you were kidding.
He does a hand wave of what he’s wearing.
MARCUS
Do I look like I’m kidding? We’re going to be crawling around on the floor…
Carley points to the countdown clock.
CARLEY
Fifty seven minutes left. Okay my friend, we should get looking.
Carley moves off to investigate.
Marcus watches her for a few seconds until she looks at him and then he starts looking for clues.
CARLEY
Have you done many of these before?
MARCUS
Quite a few actually. Why?
CARLEY
What are we looking for?
MARCUS
Clues. You know like codes, or notes or… stuff like that.
Carley accidently hits a box and it pops open. She reaches in and picks up a slip of paper.
CARLEY
You mean something like this?
Marcus hurries over to her.
MARCUS
Beginner’s luck. Yeah stuff like that.
CARLEY
What does it mean?
MARCUS
I don’t know. I’ll collect the clues when we get them. Just keep looking.
CARLEY
You got it!
She returns to searching the room.
Marcus checks the countdown clock. Forty seven minutes left.
Carley spots a spy camera near the back of the room. She clears her throat to get Marcus’s attention. He looks over to her.
She points to the camera.
CARLEY
What do you suppose that’s for?
MARCUS
You ask a lot of questions. We’re running out of time.
CARLEY
I don’t mean to, I just want to understand how to play. I know how much you like winning.
(under her breath)
At other people’s expense.
MARCUS
What did you say?
CARLEY
Nothing…
She backs into a grandfather clock. As it chimes, its door opens and reveals a clue. She picks up the note.
When he hears the clock chime, Marcus hurries over.
Carley reads the note to Marcus.
CARLEY
The time is now to be on your way. Make no waste and find the urn made of clay.
(beat)
Urn of clay?
MARCUS
We need to find an urn made of clay. It could be anywhere. Hurry, we’re running out of time. You take that side of the room and I’ll take this side.
Carley searches her side of the room.
Marcus searches his side. He checks the countdown clock.
MARCUS
Ten minutes to go. We need to kick it up a notch.
As Marcus looks through a book case, he finds the clay urn. He turns to see where Carley is.
She is on her hands and knees searching.
Marcus admires her for a moment, shakes his head and focuses on the urn. There is nothing inside it, so he examines the outside carefully.
CARLEY
Anything yet?
Her question startles Marcus and he almost drops the urn.
MARCUS
No, nothing yet. Keep looking.
Marcus continues to examine the urn… WHEN:
The room goes pitch black.
CARLEY
What the… glad I’m not afraid of the dark.
MARCUS
Carley, stay where you are. I’ll come find you.
CARLEY
Okay. Be careful!
Marcus holds the urn in one arm and uses his other arm to feel in front of him as he moves slowly to where Carley is.
MARCUS
I can’t see a damn thing.
CARLEY
That’s cuz it’s dark, silly.
MARCUS
Ha, ha.
As Marcus feels his way along, he stubs his toe and falls forward, he drops the urn…
The lights turn on…
His eyes adjust in time as he falls into into Carley’s arms.
The urn smashes on the floor, fragments go everywhere.
CARLEY
I got ya, big boy.
Carley catches Marcus and steadies him as they are face to face with their arms around each other.
Seconds pass as they gaze into each other’s eyes.
MARCUS
I’ve never done one of these before. I’m sorry I lied.
CARLEY
It’s okay. I kinda figured.
Marcus leans in and steals a lingering kiss from Carley.
Carley smiles.
CARLEY
What smashed?
MARCUS
Just a silly old clay urn.
Marcus kisses Carley again.
A buzzer sounds, the room door unlocks and opens…
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Ed. Gillow QE Cycle #6
What I learned is that practice makes perfect with interest techniques, etc.
LOGLINE: Two people enter an escape room as best friends and leave as lovers.
ESSENCE: A challenging situation can bring the best (or worse) out of people.
SCENE:
INT. ESCAPE ROOM – DAY
CARLEY, 20s, dressed in skin-tight red knit dress and looks that kill strides into the escape room. MARCUS, early 30s, dressed in gym clothes follows behind Carley. He enjoys the view in front of him.
The room door slams shut.
INTERCOM
A man-made virus is wreaking havoc across the world. Intel suggests the virus originated in a rogue lab headed by the renowned virologist, Dr. Cyrus. You must investigate this abandoned lab and find the cure for the virus before the lab is compromised. Time is running out and the fate of humanity rides on the success of your assignment. You have sixty minutes, starting now.
Carley and Marcus hear the door mechanism lock.
MARCUS
I thought I told you to wear comfy clothes. Not that skin tight stuff you normally wear.
CARLEY
I thought you were kidding.
He does a hand wave of what he’s wearing.
MARCUS
Do I look like I’m kidding? We’re going to be crawling around on the floor…
CARLEY
Fifty seven minutes left. Okay BF, we should get looking.
Carley moves off to investigate.
Marcus watches her for a few seconds until she looks at him and then he starts looking for clues.
CARLEY
Have you done many of these before?
MARCUS
Quite a few actually. Why?
CARLEY
What are we looking for?
MARCUS
Clues. You know like codes, or notes or… stuff like that.
Carley accidently hits a box and it pops open. She reaches in and picks up a slip of paper.
CARLEY
You mean something like this?
Marcus hurries over to her.
MARCUS
Beginner’s luck. Yeah stuff like that.
CARLEY
What does it mean?
MARCUS
I don’t know. Just keep looking.
CARLEY
Fine. Forty seven minutes left, Marcus.
Marcus nods.
Carley spots a spy camera near the back of the room. She clears her throat to get Marcus’s attention. He looks over to her.
She points to the camera.
CARLEY
What do you suppose that’s for?
MARCUS
You ask a lot of questions.
CARLEY
I don’t mean to, I just want to understand how to play. I know how much you like winning.
(under her breath)
At other people’s expense.
MARCUS
What did you say?
CARLEY
Nothing…
She backs into a grandfather clock. As it chimes, its door opens and reveals a clue. She picks up the note.
Marcus hurries over.
Carley reads the note to Marcus.
CARLEY
The time is now to be on your way. Make no waste and find the urn made of clay.
(beat)
Urn of clay?
MARCUS
We need to find an urn made of clay. It could be anywhere. Hurry, we’re running out of time. You take that side of the room and I’ll take this side.
Carley searches her side of the room.
Marcus searches his side. He checks his watch, they have ten minutes to go. As Marcus looks through a book case, he finds the clay urn. He turns to see where Carley is.
She is on her hands and knees searching.
Marcus admires her for a moment, shakes his head and focuses on the urn. There is nothing inside it, so he examines the outside carefully.
CARLEY
Anything yet?
Her question startles Marcus and he almost drops the urn.
MARCUS
No, nothing yet. Keep looking.
Marcus continues to examine the urn… WHEN:
The room goes pitch black.
CARLEY
What the… glad I’m not afraid of the dark.
MARCUS
Carley, stay where you are. I’ll come find you.
CARLEY
Okay. Be careful!
Marcus holds the urn in one arm and uses his other arm to feel in front of him as he moves slowly to where Carley is.
Marcus continue to move along carefully.
MARCUS
I can’t see a damn thing.
CARLEY
That’s cuz it’s dark, silly.
MARCUS
Ha, ha.
As Marcus feels his way along, he stubs his toe and falls forward, he drops the urn and it smashes on the floor, fragments go everywhere.
The lights turn on…
His eyes adjust in time to see that he is falling into Carley’s arms.
Carley catches Marcus and steadies him as they are face to face with their arms around each other.
Seconds pass as they stare at each other.
MARCUS
I’ve never done one of these before. I’m sorry I lied.
CARLEY
It’s okay. I kinda figured.
Marcus leans in and steals a lingering kiss from Carley.
Carley smiles.
CARLEY
What smashed?
MARCUS
Just a silly old clay urn.
Marcus kisses Carley again.
A buzzer sounds, the room door unlocks and opens…
-
Ed. Gillow Rewrite of Character relationships, Reveals, New Max Interest
LOGLINE: Detective uses a rainy night to interrogate two suspects who have committed a murder.
ESSENCE: How easy it is to betray someone when your butt is on the line
INT. LAPD SQUAD CAR – EVENING
Torrential downpour outside the SUV. Periodic thunder and lightning.
Chewing gum, DETECTIVE BUNZ, 40s, sits in the front seat of the vehicle.
PHILLIP WATERS, 40s, and DR. BRANDY WINE, 30s, sit next to each other in the back seat. Both are handcuffed.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I’m having the coroner confirm the time of death of your husband, Mr. Waters. Pardon the use of handcuffs for now.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, this is a total misunderstanding. My late husband had a bad heart. I’m sure the coroner will confirm that.
BRANDY
I can vouch for Phil… uh Mr. Waters. I’ve treated his husband for ten years.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You a cardiologist Dr. Wine?
Brandy nods.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You say you treated him for ten years?
BRANDY
That’s correct.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
And you’re how old?
A rap on the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Hold that thought!
Bunz rolls down the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah?
CORONER
Definitely poison of some sort. We’re running conclusive tests now.
Bunz opens the door.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I have my suspicions that it was one or both of you that iced Mr. Waters’ husband’s death. Before this night’s over, I’ll get to the bottom of this.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, he had a bad heart…
BRANDY
As a doctor, I can vouch…
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, yeah. You’ve both already sung that song.
Bunz looks at both Phillip and Brandy for a few moments.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Two things are going to happen tonight. One, I’m gonna find out which one of you did this. Two, one of you ain’t going home tonight. I’m gonna step out for a bit. I’m sure you both have lots to discuss.
He smiles as he exits, then pops his head back in.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Don’t go anywhere.
Slams the door.
Phillip and Brandy watch Bunz walk over to the coroner. They watch as the two men have a heated discussion. When…
PHILLIP
They gonna be able to trace what you used?
BRANDY
Abrin? No way. Impossible to detect cause a small dose was used.
PHILLIP
You sure?
BRANDY
Stake my professional career on it.
PHILLIP
Would his death have been painful?
BRANDY
Phil, we already discussed this.
PHILLIP
Oh God Brandy, what have we done?
BRANDY
We both need that insurance payout. Me with that wrongful death suit and you with your gambling debts.
PHILLIP
Well, we have to get out of this pickle first. He was my husband, so I get a bigger cut.
BRANDY
Not so fast my love. I was the one who got the poison and injected him.
PHILLIP
We both had a role to play, darling.
BRANDY
Yes we did, didn’t we?
The squad front door opens, Bunz jumps in.
There is a long silence, when:
PHILLIP
Get what you need, Detective.
Bunz chomps on this gum, then smiles.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, we did. You wearing that wire was a good idea.
Brandy glares at Phillip.
An evil looks comes over Phillip’s face.
PHILLIP
You incredulous money grabbing bitch. Your deception never fooled me. I hope you burn.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
More like fry. Oh wait, they don’t do that anymore. Dr. Wine, you are under arrest for the murder of Willis Rivers…
BRANDY
Spare me the theatrics.
Brandy turns to Phillip, who has an evil grin on his face.
BRANDY (CONT’D)
You pathetic worm.
The torrential rain continues to pelt the squad car.
Bunz, Phillip, and Brandy sit in silence as Brandy glares at Phillip.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Oh Mr. Waters, I almost forgot. There might be a problem with your plea bargain.
-
Ed. Gillow Character relationships, Reveals, New Max Interest
LOGLINE: Detective uses a rainy night to interrogate two suspects who have committed a murder.
ESSENCE: How easy it is to betray someone when your butt is on the line
INT. LAPD SQUAD CAR – EVENING
Torrential downpour outside the SUV. Periodic thunder and lightning.
Chewing gum, DETECTIVE BUNZ, 40s, sits in the front seat of the vehicle.
PHILLIP WATERS, 40s, and DR. BRANDY WINE, 30s, sit next to each other in the back seat. Both are handcuffed.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Okay, here’s the deal. One of you ain’t going home tonight. I know one of you iced Mr. Water’s husband. I’m waiting on the coroner’s report right now to collaborate my hunch.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, this is a total misunderstanding. My late husband had a bad heart. I’m sure the coroner will confirm that.
BRANDY
I can vouch for Phil… uh Mr. Waters. I’ve treated his husband for ten years.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You a cardiologist Dr. Wine?
Brandy nods.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You say you treated him for ten years?
BRANDY
That’s correct.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
And you’re how old?
A rap on the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Hold that thought!
Bunz rolls down the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah?
CORONER
Definitely poison of some sort. We’re running conclusive tests now.
Bunz opens the door.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I’m gonna step out for a bit. I’m sure you two have lots to discuss. Don’t go anywhere.
He smiles as he exits. Slams the door.
PHILLIP
They gonna be able to trace what you used?
BRANDY
No way. Abrin. Impossible to detect cause a small dose was used.
PHILLIP
Would his death have been painful?
BRANDY
Phil, we already discussed this.
PHILLIP
Oh God Brandy, what have we done?
BRANDY
We both need that insurance payout.
PHILLIP
Well, we have to get out of this pickle first. He was my husband, so I get a bigger cut.
BRANDY
Not so fast my love. I was the one who got the poison and injected him.
PHILLIP
We both had a role to play, darling.
BRANDY
Yes we did, didn’t we?
The squad front door opens, Bunz jumps in.
PHILLIP
Get what you need, Detective.
Bunz chomps on this gum, then smiles.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, we did. You wearing that wire was a good idea.
Brandy stares at Phillip.
An evil looks comes over Phillip’s face
PHILLIP
You incredulous money grabbing bitch. Your deception never fooled me. I hope you burn.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
More like fry. Oh wait, they don’t do that anymore. Dr. Wine, you are under arrest for the murder of Willis Rivers…
BRANDY
Spare me the rest.
The torrential rain continues to pelt the squad car.
Bunz, Phillip, and Brandy sit in silence.
-
Ed. Gillow Interest Scene
What I leaned doing this assignment is that I’ve learned a whole boat load of interest techniques. Now I got to practice more with them to get proficient with them.
Logline: Person B screws over Person B, what is Person A going to do about it?
Interest techniques ideas:
Suspense: A approaches B, what’s going to happen?
Major twist: B thinks A wants to fight, but A offers truce
Surprise: C calls out B in front of everyone
Interesting setting: Boxing gym
Mislead/reveal: A defends B against C
Superior position/dramatic irony: still thinking on this one.
Uncertainty-hope/fear: back and forth between A, B and C
Intrigue: TBD
Mystery: TBD
Cliffhanger: TBD
Dilemma: C offers B choices, both bad.
Something unseen: Figure D in shadow offers C money to mess with A and B
Character changes Radically: A originally wanted to fight B but instead offers truce
Betrayal: Shadow Figure D turns against A and B
Dilemma: see above
Uncomfortable moment: when C calls out B in front of everyone in gym, moves A to get involved
SCENE:
INT. MICKEY’S BOXING GYM – DAY
Several boxers work out at different stations throughout the boxing gym.
BAKER, 20s, white, works out in the center ring with DELTA, 50s. Delta works the target gloves with Delta…
WHEN:
ALPHA, 20s African American, bursts through the front door.
Several of the fighters turn toward the front.
Alpha strides up to the ring, points to Baker.
ALPHA
Say chump. Why you mess over me with Mickey?
BAKER
What are you talking about?
Alpha jumps into the ring and gets in Baker’s face.
ALPHA
You know what I’m talking about.
Mickey moves in between Alpha and Baker.
MICKEY
All right you two, that’s enough. What’s done is done.
Alpha and Baker stare off at each other. When:
Alpha offers his hand to Baker.
BAKER
What’s this?
ALPHA
Truce.
BAKER
What’s the catch? I thought you wanted to fight.
ALPHA
Ain’t no catch. Plan and simple. Truce. Shake or no?
Baker shakes Alpha’s hand.
MICKEY
Okay, can we get back to work?
A couple of more stare downs, then Alpha leaves the ring.
Mickey gets Baker refocused on the speed gloves.
Alpha sits down near the ring. Watches Baker work out.
Across the gym, a FIGURE in shadows speaks to CHARLIE, 20s a brute of a man.
FIGURE
Hey kid? Want to make a quick hundred bucks and have some fun too?
Charlie looks at the figure.
CHARLIE
What I gotta do?
FIGURE
Call out Baker in front of the whole gym. Push it until I give you the signal.
CHARLIE
Fifty up front. Fifty when it’s done.
Figure hands Charlie fifty bucks.
Charlie takes the money and saunters over to the ring. He punches air as he makes his way over. He stands in front of Alpha.
CHARLIE
Hey you. Washed up.
Baker and Mickey stop, Baker looks at Charlie.
BAKER
Whaddya call me?
CHARLIE
Washed up. I’m calling you out in front of this whole gym.
All the fighters in the gym stop what they are doing and start moving to the center ring.
Alpha stands up and moves to Charlie’s left.
Baker and Mickey look at each other.
CHARLIE
What are you looking at? That old man ain’t gonna help you.
Mickey takes a step toward Charlie.
MICKEY
Why, you no good punk…
Alpha steps between Mickey and Charlie.
ALPHA
What’s the problem, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Stay outta this Alpha, my beefs not with you.
ALPHA
I beg to differ Charlie boy. You messing with my boy. That ain’t gonna happen.
Alpha moves closer to Charlie’s face.
Charlie moves right to eye Baker, points his finger at him.
CHARLIE
I’m calling you out punk. I’m giving you a choice fight me and I’ll kick your ass or wimp out and everyone in this gym will know you are just a punk.
ALPHA
I said back off asshole.
CHARLIE
Or what? What are you gonna do piss head? You’ve lost your last five fights. I’ll bust you up.
Alpha takes a step back and puts his hands up.
ALPHA
Let’s put your money where you mouth is.
Charlie put his hands up as the two fighters circle around the ringside.
Other fighters back up to give them room… WHEN:
The figure moves out of the shadows, it is DELTA, manager of several of the fighters and part owner of gym.
DELTA
HEY!
Everyone freezes, as Delta makes his way to the ring. He speaks to Alpha and Baker.
DELTA
I don’t want my fighters engaged in worthless trash talking and throw downs. Understand me?
ALPHA AND BAKER
Yes sir, Mr. Delta.
Delta turns to Charlie.
DELTA
If I ever see you in this gym again… well, let’s just say you won’t enjoy what happens to you.
Charlie is about to speak…
Delta motions to a couple of the fighters.
DELTA
Get his boney ass out of here.
Three fighters grab Charlie and manhandle him out of the gym.
Delta turns back to Alpha, Baker, and Mickey.
DELTA
As for you three. Any more shit like this happens again. Well, let’s just say you won’t enjoy what happens to you.
-
Title: Ed. Gillow Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was that I need more practice to really understand how to effectively use this technique.
LOGLINE: Agent Price hatches a plan to triple cross Boone, Moses, and Jose.
What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect? That Agent Price and Jose Villa are in league with each other and plan to split the reward money between them.
What are the characters hiding from each other? Price is hiding his alliance with Jose from Boone and Moses. Boone is hiding from Moses that Price doesn’t intend to pay off his ranch, and has sanctioned Boone to kill Moses. Price is hiding from Jose that he has sanctioned Boone and Moses to kill Jose.
What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed? At this point not sure I can get any more twist out of the story.
What would be the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point? Drawing a blank here.
Knowing this story, what could be under the surface that would create more drama for my characters? I think I’ve milked it for what I can.
Are there any deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and doing? Most of the dialogue is pretty much on the nose. Might be cool to use more subtext with the dialogue.
My cov
LOGLINE: Price lays out the current situation to Moses and Boone, as well as the Demand.
EXT. MOSES’ RANCH – LATER
AGENT PRICE
Two nights ago, Jose Villa kidnapped Giovanni Nieto and slaughtered five guards. The same night, he and his gang attacked the Round Rock pony express station.
MOSES
I have dealt with Villa before. A very bad hombre. Who is Giovanni Nieto?
AGENT PRICE
Nieto’s father is an important player in President McKinley’s Land Recovery plan. The President himself wants Nieto alive.
MOSES
Ah, the prize.
AGENT PRICE
We suspect Villa will cross the border at Laredo. Bring Villa back to stand trial. Others with him are of no consequence. You must apprehend him before he gets to Mexico. You have no jurisdiction there. Do you understand?
MOSES
Understood.
AGENT PRICE
Last thing. This is a secret mission. Tell no one. Other authorities are unaware of it. You two are on your own. I suggest you both get started within the hour.
Moses and Boone nod.
LOGLINE: Price puts in play a demand on Boone. He is covering up the fact to Boone and Moses that he is in league with Jose.
Agent Price and Boone walk together from the barn towards Moses.
AGENT PRICE
Once you secure Nieto and kill Villa, we don’t need Moses. Do what you want with him.
Boone chuckles, pulls out a cigar, bites off the end. Lights up, blows a puff of smoke.
BOONE
By my reckon, you won’t need to pay off his ranch.
Both men smile at each other as they reach Moses.
LOGLINE: The reveal to the audience that Agent Price and Jose are in league with each other and the onset of a new current situation in that Jose kills Price and his soldiers.
EXT. OLD MILL ROAD – LATER
Jose and his gang close in fast on a group of riders waiting near the Proctor warehouse. Reveal it is Agent Price and his six soldiers.
JOSE
Why you change our plan, Price? We could be in Mexico by now.
AGENT PRICE
You were supposed to head to Mexico quietly. Your killing spree will send every lawman after you. I had to stop you from doing any more damage.
JOSE
You sent this Eagle Heart after me. It’s a better plan now. He needs to be dealt with before he gives us any trouble.
AGENT PRICE
Boone will take care of Moses Eagle Heart. He hates him for killing his brother.
JOSE
Then he should have done it already. New change of plan, my men and I will take care of him.
AGENT PRICE
You are a fool, Jose. Because of your stupidity, Giovanni knows who I am. Our agreement is over.
JOSE
Whoa, wait a second. Tell you what, give us the gold. We give you Giovanni, then we return to Mexico.
AGENT PRICE
Are you stupid? I don’t have the gold, it’s at Moses’ ranch.
JOSE
Careful how you speak to me, hombre.
AGENT PRICE
I must cut my losses. Hand over Giovanni and return to Mexico or else.
JOSE
Or else what? You don’t tell me what to do. I am Jose Villa. I am the one who decides what to do.
(raises voice)
Get out of my way, I will deal with this Indio.
Jose’s aggressiveness catches Agent Price off guard. Price hesitates. They’re outnumbered two to one.
Jose winks at Agent Price.
Price goes for his weapon and his soldiers follow his lead.
Jose is much faster on the draw: BAM! BAM! BAM!
Fatally wounded, Agent Price and two soldiers fall off their horses.
A hail of bullets from Jose’s gang massacres the other four.
LOGLINE: Boone reveals to Moses that Price never intended to pay off Moses’ ranch per their initial deal.
INT. RANCH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Boone struggles through the trapdoor.
Moses runs over to him.
MOSES
Boone, you all right?
BOONE
I’ll live…
Boone surveys the room.
BOONE
Where are Price and the soldiers?
MOSES
They left before Jose arrived.
BOONE
Chicken sons of… They lied about paying off your ranch.
Moses ties a bandana around Boone’s leg.
MOSES
When did you know that?
BOONE
From the beginning.
MOSES
You knew it all along?
Moses ties the bandana REALLY tight.
Boone winces.
BOONE
Regrettably.
MOSES
This is not your fight. They are after me.
BOONE
I beg to differ. They have Betty. It’s personal now.
Boone limps over to a window to fight.
-
Ed. Gillow Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was how to elevate characters relationships to add more conflict, rapport, contrast, competition, and subtext.
Step 1: Core traits of four main characters
Moses Eagle Heart: moralistic, bigoted, straightforward, courageous
Boone Turner: Cautious, racist, selfish, tough
Jose Villa: ambitious, affable, quick-witted, extroverted
Angel Mendoza: loyal, cooperative, sensible, bold
Step 2: Match characters in pairs
Moses / Boone
Moses’ moralistic trait mixes with Boone’s cautious trait most of time, which helps build rapport. However, at other times creates conflict and subtext.
Moses’ bigoted trait clashes with Boone’s racist trait and provides the majority of conflict, subtext and at times competition.
Moses’ straightforward trait clashes with Boone’s selfish trait to provide conflict, subtext, and competition.
Moses’ courageous trait mixes well with Boone’s tough trait for rapport, competition, and subtext.
Moses / Jose
Moses’ moralistic trait has some rapport with Jose’s ambitious trait. But since Jose is the villain, creates conflict and subtext.
Moses’ bigoted trait and Jose’s affable trait find some rapport and contrast. Conflict arises as Moses is bigoted against everyone which provides the majority of conflict, subtext and at times competition.
Moses’ straightforward trait clashes with Jose’s quick-witted to provide contrast, subtext, and competition, to a lesser degree conflict.
Moses’ courageous trait mixes well with Jose’s extroverted trait for rapport, competition, and subtext.
Boone / Jose
Boone’s cautious trait provides contrast with Jose’s ambitious trait. But since Jose is the villain, creates conflict and subtext.
Boone’s racist trait and Jose’s affable trait find contrast. Boone hates everyone so his racism provides the majority of conflict, subtext and at times competition.
Boone’s selfish trait clashes with Jose’s quick-witted to provide contrast, subtext, and competition, to a lesser degree conflict.
Boone’s tough trait provides contrast with Jose’s extroverted trait. Possibly some rapport, competition, and subtext.
Jose / Angel
Jose’s ambitious trait mixes well with Angel’s loyal trait to provide rapport and subtext, maybe some contrast
Jose’s affable trait mixes well with Angel’s cooperative trait to provide rapport, competition, and subtext
Jose’s quick-witted trait mixes with Angel’s sensible trait to provide rapport, competition, subtext and to a lesser extent, conflict
Jose’s extroverted trait mixes will with Angel’s bold trait to provide rapport, competition, and subtext, maybe conflict at times
Step 3: NOTE to Robert and Denice. I’ve been living with these characters for 5 years and find it hard to tweak the traits to elevate them. Perhaps, if you two have some thoughts, I would love to hear them. For background: Boone (anti-hero) and Moses (protagonist) are tasked to track down Jose (antagonist) and his sidekick Angel. Thank you in advance for any thoughts you may have.
-
Ed Gillow Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4 Rewrite
LOGLINE: Two best friends meet for lunch to make sure a secret remains between them.
ESSENCE: Hard to trust anyone to keep a secret especially when others can gain from the knowledge of that secret at the expense of others
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Changed Maxine’s snobbish trait to judgmental
SCENE:
INT. POSH LA RESTAURANT – DAY
MAXINE, attractive, mid 20s, sits alone at a table near the entrance. Head on a swivel, twisting her hair, and chewing her gum, Maxine keeps her eye on the front door and who is in the restaurant that might be a somebody. Now and then, she takes a sip of her water.
RENEE, very attractive, mid 20s, dressed to the nines – even at noon, makes a grand entrance through the front doors.
Maxine waves to Renee, who acknowledges her with a head nod.
As Renee runway walks her way toward Maxine, she acknowledges people she recognizes with a nod, or a handshake, or a double cheek kiss. Finally:
Maxine rises to greet Renee. They do the double cheek kiss.
BOTH
Muah. Muah.
Both women sit.
RENEE
Darling, sorry I’m late. Just had my third callback for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. You know how long those can run over.
MAXINE
Yeah, I remember.
RENEE
Oh, I’m sorry love, I forgot your agent dropped you. Guess it’s tough not getting out much.
Maxine reacts to Renee’s comment.
MAXINE (under her breath)
Ouch!
RENEE
Did I mention Bradley is coming? He’ll be in after he parks the Bentley.
MAXINE
Why is Bradley coming?
RENEE
Well, I know how found he is of you, thought it would cheer you up.
MAXINE
Thanks. The reason I asked to meet here is to make sure you haven’t told anyone my secret.
RENEE
I may be one to always want to win, but I would never be that devious. Especially to you.
MAXINE
I need for you to promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
Geez Max, you are really being paranoid here.
MAXINE
This is my career here, Renny. If this gets out, I’m done in this biz. You are my BFF. You have to promise me you haven’t told anyone. If you have this would ruin our friendship.
RENEE
Since you put it that way… I promise.
MAXINE
Promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
I promise I haven’t told anyone. Geez. You satisfied?
Maxine smiles and nods.
A handsome waitperson, DOUG, 30s, arrives at their table.
DOUG
Hi, I’m Doug. I’ll be taking care of you two beauties today. Can I start you with a drink?
RENEE
Doug, sweetie, can you give us five minutes?
DOUG
No problem. Be back in five.
As Doug walks away, Renee checks him out.
RENEE
What I could do to that man in five minutes…
MAXINE
Uh Renny, you have a fiance. You are so prissy.
RENEE
Oh… yeah.
Renee throws her menu up like a barrier between herself and Maxine.
Several moments pass – WHEN:
MAXINE
Speaking of Bradley.
Renee drops her menu.
RENEE
What about him?
MAXINE
Maybe, I shouldn’t say anything.
RENEE
No, no. Come on Max, spit it out.
MAXINE
Well, the other day, after I told you my secret, Bradley point blank asked me which casting director I slept with.
Renee has a deer in headlights look.
RENEE
Uh…
MAXINE
How did he know to ask me that?
RENEE
Max, I… uh…. well…. maybe…
BRADLEY, handsome, 30s, arrives with a big smile.
BRADLEY
Hello Ladies!
Renee and Maxine stand to greet Bradley. Cheek kisses all around.
RENEE
Perfect timing my dear, Max and I were chatting about the wedding.
Maxine fake laughs.
MAXINE
If you two will excuse me, I need to hit the ladies’ room. I’m sure you have lots to discuss.
When Maxine is out of ear shot:
RENEE
Did you ask Max who she slept with?
BRADLEY (taken back)
What? NO! Honest.
RENEE
I think she knows I didn’t keep her secret.
BRADLEY
Oh baby, I told you this would come back and bite you.
Maxine returns and collects her things.
MAXINE
Didn’t take as long as I thought. I need to run. My casting director friend just called me in for an audition.
Mouths open, Bradley and Renee stare at Maxine.
Maxine takes a couple of steps, stops, and turns around to face them.
MAXINE
They want me to read for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. Well, toddles you two.
Maxine struts out of the restaurant with a huge smile on her face.
-
Ed Gillow Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4
LOGLINE: Two best friends meet for lunch to make sure a secret remains between them.
ESSENCE: Hard to trust anyone to keep a secret especially when others can gain from the knowledge of that secret at the expense of others
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Changed Maxine’s snobbish trait to judgmental
SCENE:
INT. POSH LA RESTAURANT – DAY
MAXINE, attractive, mid 20s, sits alone at a table near the entrance. Head on a swivel, twisting her hair, and chewing her gum, Maxine keeps her eye on the front door and who is in the restaurant is a somebody. Now and then, she takes a sip of her water.
RENEE, very attractive, mid 20s, dressed to the nines – even at noon, makes a grand entrance through the front doors.
Maxine waves to Renee, who acknowledges her with a head nod.
As Renee runway walks her way toward Maxine, she acknowledges people she recognizes with a nod, or a handshake, or a double cheek kiss. Finally:
Maxine rises to greet Renee. They do the double cheek kiss.
BOTH
Muah. Muah.
Both women sit.
RENEE
Darling, sorry I’m late. Bradley will be in after he parks the Bentley. Just had my third callback for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. You know how long those can run over.
MAXINE
Yeah, I remember.
RENEE
Oh, I’m sorry love, I forgot your agent dropped you. Guess it’s tough not getting out much.
Maxine reacts to Renee’s comment.
MAXINE
Why is Bradley coming?
RENEE
Well I know how found he is of you, thought it would cheer you up.
MAXINE
Thanks. The reason I asked to meet here is to make sure you haven’t told anyone my secret.
RENEE
I may be one to always want to win, but I would never be that devious. Especially to you.
MAXINE
I need for you to promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
Geez Max, you are really being paranoid here.
MAXINE
This is my career here, Renny. If this gets out, I’m done in this biz. You are my BFF. You have to promise me you haven’t told anyone. If you have this would ruin our friendship.
RENEE
Since you put it that way… I promise.
MAXINE
Promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
I promise I haven’t told anyone. Geez. You satisfied?
Maxine smiles and nods.
A handsome waitperson, DOUG, 30s, arrives at their table.
DOUG
Hi, I’m Doug. I’ll be taking care of you two beauties today. Can I start you out with a drink?
RENEE
Doug, sweetie, can you give us five minutes?
DOUG
No problem. Be back in five.
As Doug walks away, Renee checks him out.
RENEE
What I could do to that man in five minutes…
MAXINE
Uh Renny, you have a fiance. You are so prissy.
RENEE
Oh… yeah.
Renee throws her menu up like a barrier between herself and Maxine.
Several moments pass – WHEN:
MAXINE
Speaking of Bradley.
Renee drops her menu.
RENEE
What about him?
MAXINE
Maybe, I shouldn’t say anything.
RENEE
No, no. Come on Max, spit it out.
MAXINE
Well, the other day, after I told you my secret? Bradley point blank asked me which casting director I slept with.
Renee has a deer in headlights look.
RENEE
Uh…
MAXINE
How did he know to ask me that?
RENEE
Max, I… uh…. well…. maybe…
BRADLEY, handsome, 30s, arrives with a big smile.
BRADLEY
Hello Ladies!
Renee and Maxine stand to greet Bradley. Cheek kisses all around.
RENEE
Perfect timing my dear, Max and I were chatting about the wedding.
Maxine laughs.
MAXINE
If you two will excuse me, I need to hit the ladies’ room. I’m sure you have lots to discuss.
When Maxine is out of ear shot:
RENEE
Did you ask Max who she slept with?
BRADLEY (taken back)
What? NO! Honest.
RENEE
I think she knows I didn’t keep her secret.
BRADLEY
Oh baby, I told you this would come back and bite you.
Maxine returns and collects her things.
MAXINE
Didn’t take as long as I thought. I need to run, just got an audition notice.
Mouths open, Bradley and Renee stare at Maxine.
Maxine takes a couple of steps, stops, and turns around to face them.
MAXINE
They want me to read for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. Well, toddles you two.
Maxine struts out of the restaurant. Gesturing to people she knows or doesn’t know.
-
Title: Ed. Gillow QE Cycle 2 – Rewrite
LOGLINE: An untested EOD team is tasked to diffuse an IED found beside a main supply route.
ESSENCE: The high risk associated with bomb diffusing when you work with someone who hasn’t earned your trust.
EXT. AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
Two EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) soldiers in blast suits slowly approach what looks like a pile of rocks.
Several Marine sniper teams provide backup cover for the two soldiers.
SQUIRE
So sweetheart, how many of these IED tricks you done before?
NANCY
Several.
SQUIRE
Several? What’s that one or twenty?
NANCY
What are you worried about, sarge? I’m not a BOLO. How many have you done?
SQUIRE
Enough.
NANCY
Glad this turd is out in the sandbox so no civilians get affected.
SQUIRE
What, we got a bleeding heart here?
NANCY
Stuff it, asshole.
Squire spots some partially concealed wires.
SQUIRE
Well. Well. Well. What do we have here?
Nancy surveys the immediate area for a few moments.
NANCY
Looks like a typical matrix layout. Think its remotely triggered?
SQUIRE
I sure hope to shit it’s not, sexy. Let me turn on the jammer to be safe. I don’t want my nuts blown off. Thank you.
NANCY
You treat your last partner like that?
SQUIRE
My last partner got the shit blown out of himself. That ain’t goin’ to happen to me.
NANCY
Whatever you say, Squire.
Nancy spends a few more moments surveying the layout.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hmm. You check out those right leading wires. I’ll take the left.
SQUIRE
Yes sir, LT.
Squire follows the right leads, carefully pulling the wires from under the dirt.
Nancy does the same with the left leads.
WHEN:
SQUIRE
Whoa! Hold on to your panties there.
NANCY
What is it, Sargeant?
SQUIRE
I think I found the mother load.
Nancy makes her way over to Squire as fast as the blast suit allows her.
NANCY
So what are you thinking? Hundred pounds of tnt there?
SQUIRE
Yup, at least.
NANCY
Leaves pressure, trip, infrared, and magnetic as triggers.
SQUIRE
Very good LT. I’m starting to trust you a bit more.
NANCY
That makes my day, sarge. Let’s get to it.
SQUIRE
Ladies first, I always say.
NANCY
Cut the shit, ace. Let’s get these rocks off here.
SQUIRE
Oooh, now you’re talking my language sweetheart.
Nancy shoots Squire a look. They work together to carefully remove the rocks off the IED.
NANCY
That’s a complicated looking one. Definitely made by someone who knows what they’re doing.
SQUIRE
I know what I’d like to be doing right now and who I’d be doing it with.
NANCY
Can you give it a rest, Squire? I was just starting to trust you. Get down there and figure out what the trigger is.
As Squire gets down on all fours:
SQUIRE
Say baby, this is my favorite position…
Nancy is about to respond, WHEN:
CLICK.
NANCY
DON’T MOVE!
Squire freezes.
SQUIRE
Oh shit!
NANCY
Just stay frosty, sarge. I’ll check it out.
Nancy gets down on all fours as she slowly checks around Squire and the IED.
NANCY
Definitely pressure trip. Let me get the robot over here and free you.
SQUIRE
Good idea, I don’t want to die.
As she moves back from Squire to stand up:
CLICK!
Nancy freezes.
SQUIRE
What the fuck, LT?
NANCY
Chill sarge. It’s not like I planned this.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
What’s taking so long? Our asses are in the breeze here.
Squire looks at Nancy.
SQUIRE
So what do you say, sweetheart, you gonna answer him?
Nancy looks over at Squire.
NANCY
I don’t know which hand is over the pressure plate.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
EOD one! I say again. What is your status?
NANCY
Can you lift your hand?
SQUIRE
No! I’m not gonna lift my hand. You’re the LT. Answer him.
Nancy looks at Squire, then looks at both her hands.
As she lifts her right hand:
The blast could be felt one hundred meters away.
As Marines recover and stand up, the Major looks at his second in command.
MAJOR
Blevins, take three marines and see if those EODs survived.
-
Title: Ed. Gillow QE Cycle 2
LOGLINE: A new EOD team is tasked to diffuse an IED found beside a well traveled road.
ESSENCE: The high risk associated with bomb diffusing when you work with someone who hasn’t earned your trust.
EXT. AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
Two EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) soldiers in blast suits slowly approach what looks like a pile of rocks.
Several Marine sniper teams provide backup cover for the two soldiers.
SQUIRE
So sweetheart, how many of these IED tricks you done before?
NANCY
Several.
SQUIRE
Several? What’s that one or twenty?
NANCY
What are you worried about, sarge? How many have you done?
SQUIRE
I done enough.
NANCY
Glad this turd is away from the city so no civilians get affected.
SQUIRE
What, we got a bleeding heart here?
NANCY
Stuff it, asshole.
Squire spots some partially concealed wires.
SQUIRE
Well. Well. Well. What do we have here?
NANCY
Looks like a typical matrix layout. Think its remotely triggered?
SQUIRE
I sure hope to shit it’s not, sexy.
NANCY
You treat your last partner like that?
SQUIRE
My last partner got the shit blown out of himself. That ain’t goin’ to happen to me.
NANCY
Whatever you say, Squire. Hmm. You follow those right leading wires. I’ll take the left.
SQUIRE
Yes sir, LT.
Squire follows the right leads, carefully pulling the wires from under the dirt.
Nancy does the same with the left leads.
WHEN:
SQUIRE
Whoa! Hold on to your panties there.
NANCY
What is it, Sargeant?
SQUIRE
I think I found the mother load.
Nancy makes her way over to Squire as fast as the blast suit allows her.
NANCY
So what are you thinking? Hundred pounds of tnt there?
SQUIRE
Yup, at least. Jammers are on to rule out remote trigger.
NANCY
Leaves pressure, trip, infrared, and magnetic as triggers.
SQUIRE
Very good LT. I’m starting to trust you a bit more.
NANCY
That makes my day, sarge. Let’s get to it.
SQUIRE
Ladies first, I always say.
NANCY
Cut the shit, ace. Let’s get these rocks off here.
SQUIRE
Oooh, now you’re talking my language sweetheart.
Nancy shoots Squire a look. They work together to carefully remove the rocks off the IED.
NANCY
That’s a complicated looking one. Definitely made by someone who knows what they’re doing.
SQUIRE
I know what I’d like to be doing right now and who I’d be doing it with.
NANCY
Can you give it a rest, Squire? I was just starting to trust you. Get down there and figure out what the trigger is.
As Squire gets down on all fours:
SQUIRE
Say baby, you like doing it this way?
Nancy is about to respond, WHEN:
CLICK.
NANCY
DON’T MOVE!
Squire freezes.
SQUIRE
Oh shit!
NANCY
Just stay frosty, sarge. I’ll check it out.
Nancy gets down on all fours as she slowly checks around Squire and the IED.
NANCY
Definitely pressure trip. Let me get the robot over here and free you.
SQUIRE
Good idea, I don’t want to die.
As she moves back from Squire to stand up:
CLICK!
Nancy freezes.
SQUIRE
What the fuck, LT?
NANCY
Chill sarge. It’s not like I planned this.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
What’s taking so long? Our asses are in the breeze here.
Squire looks at Nancy.
SQUIRE
So what do you say, sweetheart, you gonna answer him?
Nancy looks over at Squire.
NANCY
I don’t know which hand is over the pressure plate.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
EOD one! I say again. What is your status?
NANCY
Can you lift your hand?
SQUIRE
No! I’m not gonna lift my hand. You’re the LT. Answer him.
Nancy looks at Squire, then looks at both her hands.
As she lifts her right hand:
The blast could be felt one hundred meters away.
As Marines recovered and stood up, the Major looks at his second.
MAJOR
Damn. That’s the third EOD unit we’ve lost this week.
-
Title: Ed. Gillow Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is having thirteen interest techniques at my disposal.
LOGLINE: Moses has summoned Boone to see if they can bury the hatchet of their past differences.
ESSENSE: Moses needs this job to pay off his ranch, but he has to work with the unpredictable, racist Boone. He meets with Boone to see how this will work.
INT. MOSES’ RANCH – LATER
Moses and Boone sit at the dining table. Both men measure each other. (Uncomfortable moment) Finally:
MOSES
We have bad medicine between us. That is a problem. Like it or not, we must work together. (creating a future)
BOONE
If you do your job. I do mine. Then we’ll see what shakes out. No problem. (prediction)
MOSES
Hatred blurs a man’s judgement. (Anticipatory dialogue)
BOONE
What do you mean? (hook?)
MOSES
Your hatred blames me for your brother’s death. Can you not accept it was self-defense? (dilemma)
BOONE
Wasn’t self-defense. It was murder. (creating a future)
MOSES
Witnesses say otherwise.
BOONE
Don’t give a crap what they say. Nobody could outdraw my brother in a fair fight. Especially a redskin. (mystery)
MOSES
A man whose heart is full of hatred is not a suitable partner on a dangerous journey. (prediction)
BOONE
What are you afraid of? (hook)
MOSES
I have more to lose than you do. (prediction)
BOONE
Yeah, you do. More than you can imagine. Hatred is in your heart too. It’s a path which cuts both ways. (Anticipatory dialogue)
MOSES
You speak the truth. (uncomfortable moment)
Moses’ eyes bore a hole into Boone’s eyes.
MOSES
Know this truth. I will do what is in the best interest of my family. Then you and I will settle our differences. Done talking for now. (creating a future)
Red faced, Boone rises, ambles to the front door, stops, and turns. (uncomfortable moment)
BOONE
I meant what I said at the trial. Be seeing you, REDSKIN! (prediction)
Moses watches Boone leave, then looks to the Heavens.
MOSES
I cannot trust him, Grandfather. (Anticipatory dialogue)
Martha enters the room. They embrace each other.
-
Title: Ed. Gillow Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is stop collaborating with my characters and start challenging them.
Scene 1: INT. MOSES’ RANCH – EVENING
A. Current Scene Logline: Mr. Drachman (Banker) arrives at dinner time to let Moses know unless Moses pays $250 plus interest in two weeks, Drachman will foreclose on Moses’ ranch.
B. Essence: Moses has to convince Drachman that he can come up with the money in two weeks.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
Goal: to provide shelter for his family. Challenges: shorten timeframe from 2 weeks to 1 week, raise amount due. Limit options Moses has to raise money. Has other debts due. Has ranch hands to pay.
Needs: provide basic necessities for his family. Challenges: same as Goal challenges.
Values: honesty and spiritual. Challenges: does Moses lie to Drachman about his options? Appeal to Drachman to cut him some slack; does Moses compromise his religious values to placate Drachman?
Wound: distrust of white man. Challenges: feels as Native American he is being discriminated against; Drachman is white and represents Corporate America; are Native Americans affected or everyone?
Physical: Moses keeps his temper under control. Challenges: Moses quick to anger; won’t shake Drachman’s hand, Martha (Moses’ wife) has to intervene; Drachman fears for his life- won’t honor amended deal without handshake. Drachman (originally a timid type) is a formable sized man and not afraid of Moses- so not intimidated by Moses
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. The original scene was really one dimensional. I want to incorporate all of the above challenges (in one shape or fashion) into the scene and really spice it up.
Scene 2: INT. MOSES’ RANCH – EVENING
A. Current Scene Logline: Moses calls in Boone to talk about how they will work together to catch Jose Villa.
B. Essence: Moses had killed Boone’s brother in self-defense (many years back). Boone believes Moses is guilty and murdered his brother. Moses must work past that so he and Boone can work together.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
Goal: convince Boone they can work together. Challenges: unable to “bury” hatchet- short-term or long term; convince Boone it was self defense as ruled by jury trial; work a truce if all else fails.
Needs: to get job done so he can provide for his family. Challenges: Boone is a loose cannon, unpredictable, is there a hidden agenda on Boone’s part; Moses’ distrust of white men; Boone is a racist and hates Indians; what’s Boone’s motivation to work with Moses?
Values: integrity and spiritual. Challenges: Boone will challenge Moses spiritually as he is a non-believer; Boone is unpredictable and a true anti-hero and will challenge Moses’ integrity; Boone will challenge Moses every step of the way
Wound: Moses’ distrust of white man. Challenges: Boone is white and a racist. Hates Indians. He is mean spirited. They do share a common goal of capturing Jose Villa
Physical: Moses must maintain his anger. Challenges: instead of a heated discussion, it becomes physical, and Martha must intervene.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. As in Scene 1 example: I will interweave the challenges listed above and make this scene more dynamic. Originally It has plenty of conflict, but these new challenges will add more.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Edward Gillow.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
-
Ed. Gillow Full-out Characters
What I learned that is making a significant improvement in my writing is going back to my original process of developing character diamonds (characterization) but including subtexts for my lead characters before I write the screenplay.
CURRENT PROFILE:
Moses Eagle Heart
Description: Infamous tracker of men. Native American. Hero of story. Found religion and true love and gave up tracking.
Core Traits: Spiritual, committed to family, bigoted, and honest
Subtext: “Everything I do in life, I do for my family.”
Boone Turner
Description: Epitome of bounty hunters. Has a past with Moses. True Anti-hero in every sense.
Core Traits: cynical, racist, selfish, and unpredictable
Subtext: “I have little to no remorse for my bad actions.”
Jose Villa
Description: Uncle to Pancho Villa. Loves to work both sides of the border. Epitome of a gunslinger.
Core traits: ruthless, intelligent, calm, and arrogant
Subtext: “I am invincible, no man can kill me.”
REVISED PROFILES
Moses Eagle Heart
Description: no change
Core Traits: Spiritual, committed to family, conflicted, and hot tempered
Subtext: “A stronger spiritual faith will solve many problems. My challenge is to develop that strength.”
Boone Turner
Description: same
Core Traits: witty, racist, selfish, and unpredictable
Subtext: “How do I work with and respect a man who killed my brother?”
Jose Villa
Description: same
Core traits: ruthless, intelligent, unpredictable, and arrogant
Subtext: “What I do is for a just cause.”
-
Logline: John has to find out the name of an informant. His obstacle is Nick. The dilemma is how to obtain the information, easy way or hard way. John has a tough decision to make.
Essence: How difficult it is for John to find out what he needs to know and the extent he is willing to go to get said intel.
INT. AFGHANISTAN UNDERGROUND BUNKER – DAY
A huge, muscled MARINE punches a naked, blooded NICK, bound hand and foot, suspended two feet in the air.
The sound of wind escaping exits from Nick’s mouth.
NICK
Ohhhhh, you gutless piece of shit. My grandmother hits harder than that.
The muscled Marine gut punches Nick again.
Nick struggles against his bindings.
NICK
That the best you’ve got? I have this itch, can you hit more to the left?
The Marine pulls back to deliver another blow… when
JOHN (O.S.)
Hold it Sargeant!
JOHN, 30s, sporting a bright Hawaiian shirt and Ray Bans steps from the darkness into the lone bunker light. He places his Ray Bans in his shirt pocket.
JOHN
Whaddya say Nicky? Just give me the name. I can make this go away.
NICK
What? You guys had enough already?
JOHN
Cut the shit, Nick. Give me the name.
NICK
Right. I give you the name and Langley will hail you as a hero. No dice amigo.
JOHN
Nick, we’re on the same team. What happened to your loyalty, amigo?
NICK
Fuck loyalty and FUCK you!
John head nods to the Marine, who gut punches Nick again.
Nick spits in the Marine’s face.
NICK
You hit like a sissy.
Marine draws back his fist, but John stops him, addresses the Marine.
JOHN
He’s just trying to manipulate you into a bad place. Get inside your head. Be cool.
Marine nods, then steps back.
JOHN
Nicky. Nicky. Nicky. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s your choice.
NICK
My choice huh? You claim to be a loyal ops officer. But you were always the loner. Playing out there on the fringe… You’re more rogue than I am…
JOHN
Oh Nick, that’s hitting below the belt. That hurts my feelings. Especially all I’ve done for you.
NICK
What a crock.
JOHN
Okay Nick, you want to do this the hard way. Fine. Let’s dance.
John turns to the Marine and nods. He walks over to pour a drink while the Marine wails on Nick. He watches the Marine work Nick over.
The cracking of a rib… splitting open of skin… Nick’s muffled groans…
Nick continues his rebellious nature with snide comments after each punch from the Marine.
JOHN
Stand down, Sargeant.
The Marine steps back and stands at ease.
JOHN
Well, you are a tough one. But, your confident mouth may have overloaded your hummingbird ass.
John takes a step back from Nick. Without looking away from Nick…
JOHN
Sargeant? Bring in our next guest.
Marine exits.
JOHN
Nick, you’re gonna love our next guest.
Marine shoves MOHAMMED in front of John.
Nick’s blood drains from his face when he sees Mohammed.
JOHN
Nick… Mohammed. Mohammed… Nick. But then, you do know each other.
NICK
Never seen him in my life. Honest!
JOHN
Nicky, there’s no conviction in what you said. I’m not buying it.
NICK
Come on, John, you know me. I’ve never seen this guy before.
John grabs Nick by his beard and gently shakes his head.
JOHN
Nick. Nick. Nick. You know how untrusting I am with people. Yet, you continue to lie.
NICK
I’m not lying!
JOHN
Whoa. Nice conviction… still not buying it.
Nick glares at John. Finally…
JOHN
Let’s see what our guest has to say.
Nick’s sunken eyes glare at John.
John picks Mohammed off the floor and places Mohammed’s face directly in front of Nick’s face.
JOHN
Mr. Mohammed! Is this the man feeding the Taliban logistical intel?
A petrified Mohammed nods.
Nick’s eyes widen.
JOHN
Sargeant, get this piece of shit out of here. Dispose of him… properly.
Marine nods, then drags Mohammed out.
JOHN
Just you and me Nicky. Give me the name and all this ends. I’m gonna get the name one way or another. Make it easy on yourself.
NICK
So you ain’t buying what he’s selling?
JOHN
Hurry Nicky. That Marine isn’t gonna be gone forever.
NICK
Aha. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to trick me. I’m wise to you, ace.
The Marine enters, then nods to John.
JOHN
Times up Nick. One last time, gimme the name.
NICK
Go pound sand, amigo.
John stares at Nick for a few seconds. He smiles. Calmly…
JOHN
Okay Nicky. Have it your way.
John turns, nods to the Marine.
The Marine squares up on Nick and lets lose with a roundhouse left.
John stops at the bunker exit, he hears the cracking of a rib. He peers out into the darkness, then takes out a cigarette and lights it, as the pummeling of Nick continues.
NICK
Ohhhh, you piece of shit… I’m gonna kick your ass…
WHACK!
-
Logline: John has to find out the name of an informant. His obstacle is Nick. The dilemma is how to obtain the information, easy way or hard way. John has a tough decision to make.
Essence: What I tried to accomplish in the scene is to show how difficult it is for John to find out what he needs to know and the extent he is willing to go to get said intel.
INT. AFGHANISTAN UNDERGROUND BUNKER – DAY
A huge, muscled MARINE punches a shirtless and blooded NICK, bound hand and foot, suspended two feet in the air.
The sound of wind escaping exits from Nick’s mouth.
NICK
Ohhhhh, you gutless piece of shit. My grandmother can hit harder than that.
The muscled Marine gut punches Nick again.
Nick struggles against his bindings.
NICK
Ha ha ha. I have this itch, can you hit more to the left?
The Marine pulls back to deliver another blow… when
JOHN (O.S.)
Hold it Sargeant!
JOHN, 30s, sporting a bright Hawaiian shirt and Ray Bans steps from the darkness into the lone bunker light. He places his Ray Bans in his shirt pocket.
JOHN
Whaddya say Nicky? Just give me the name. I can make this go away.
NICK
What? You guys had enough already?
JOHN
Cut the shit, Nick. Give me the name.
NICK
Right. I give you the name and Langley will hail you as a hero. No dice amigo.
JOHN
Nick, we’re on the same team. What happened to your loyalty, amigo?
NICK
Fuck loyalty and FUCK you!
John head nods to the Marine, who gut punches Nick again.
Nick spits in the Marine’s face.
NICK
You hit like a sissy.
Marine draws back his fist, but John stops him, addresses the Marine.
JOHN
He’s just trying to manipulate you into a bad place. Get inside your head. Be cool.
Marine nods, then steps back.
JOHN
Nicky. Nicky. Nicky. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s your choice.
NICK
My choice huh? You claim to be a loyal ops officer. But you were always the loner. Playing out there on the fringe… You’re more rogue than I am…
JOHN
Oh Nick, that’s hitting below the belt. That hurts my feelings. Especially all I’ve done for you.
NICK
What a crock.
JOHN
Okay Nick, you want to do this the hard way. Fine. Let’s dance.
John turns to the Marine and nods. He walks over to pour a drink while the Marine wails on Nick. He watches the Marine work Nick over.
The cracking of a rib… splitting open of skin… Nick’s muffled groans…
Nick continues his rebellious nature with snide comments after each punch from the Marine.
JOHN
Stand down, Sargeant.
The Marine steps back and stands at ease.
JOHN
Well, you are a tough one. Your confident mouth may have overloaded your hummingbird ass.
John takes a step back from Nick. Without looking away from Nick…
JOHN
Sargeant? Bring in our next guest.
Marine exits.
JOHN
Nick, you’re gonna love our next guest.
Marine shoves MOHAMMED in front of John.
Nick’s blood drains from his face when he sees Mohammed.
JOHN
Nick… Mohammed. Mohammed… Nick. But then again you know Mohammed.
NICK
Never seen him in my life. Honest!
JOHN
Nicky, there’s no conviction in what you said. I’m not buying it.
NICK
Come on, John, you know me. I’ve never seen this guy before.
John grabs Nick by his beard and gently shakes his head.
JOHN
Nick. Nick. Nick. You know how untrusting I am with people. Yet, you continue to lie.
NICK
I’m not lying!
JOHN
Whoa. Nice conviction… still not buying it.
Nick glares at John. Finally…
JOHN
Let’s see what our guest has to say.
Nick’s sunken eyes glare at John.
John picks Mohammed off the floor and places Mohammed’s face directly in front of Nick’s face.
JOHN
Mr. Mohammed! Is this the man feeding the Taliban logistical intel?
Mohammed is petrified, he nods.
Nick’s eyes widen.
JOHN
Sargeant, get this piece of shit out of here. Dispose of him… properly.
Marine nods, then drags Mohammed out.
JOHN
Just you and me Nicky. Give me the name and all this ends. I’m gonna get the name one way or another. Make it easy on yourself.
NICK
You say you aren’t buying what he’s selling?
JOHN
Hurry Nicky. That Marine ain’t gonna be gone forever.
NICK
Aha. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to trick me. I’m wise to you, ace.
The Marine enters, then nods to John.
JOHN
Times up Nick. One last time, gimme the name.
NICK
Go pound sand, amigo.
John stares at Nick for a few seconds. He smiles. Calmly…
JOHN
Okay Nicky. Have it your way.
John turns, nods to the Marine. As John exits the bunker, he hears the cracking of a rib.
NICK
Ohhhhh, you piece of shit… I’m gonna kick your ass…
WHACK!
-
Title: Ed. Gillow Rewrite of Robert and Trent scene
I learned process, character traits & subtext, and interest
techniques are your friend!
EXT. MARINA DEL REY – MARINA – DAY
ROBERT, 30s, wearing Ray-Bans, bright Hawaiian shirt, and
dockers strides down the marina dock way. He nervously pops a
stick of spearmint gum into his mouth and chews away.
His head on a swivel, he searches for a certain yacht.
Finally, he spots his target. The wording on the back of the
50-foot yacht reads:
TREPEDATION
ROBERT
Jeez, Trent J. Williams the third!
Who’d you kill to get this?
TRENT, 30s, greased back hair, Hugo Boss suit, layers of gold
neck chains and polyester, black dress shirt pops his head
over the top railing.
TRENT
What’d you say, Roberto?
Robert reacts to Trent’s word ambush.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Get your fat ass up here so we can
celebrate, mate!
Robert carefully hops on the yacht and cautiously makes his
way up to the top deck.
Trent strides over to greet Robert. He gives him a big bear
hug, steps back, then straightens out his suit.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Thanks for coming on such short
notice.
ROBERT
Hey, no problem.
Trent yells into the intercom.
TRENT
Lars! Take her out!
The yacht’s engines fire up and the yacht glides out of the slip.
ROBERT
Whoa, what’s going on?
TRENT
Just a quick spin around the harbor, no biggie.
Robert looks around, chews his gum, smiles nervously.
ROBERT
So. Why am I here?
TRENT
To celebrate! Let’s have a drink.
Robert looks around the top deck.
ROBERT
Sure. Celebrate what?
Trent pours two scotches on ice. He spills a bit of scotch on
the counter. Muttering to himself he cleans up the spill,
then folds the napkin neatly and stores it on the counter.
He approaches Robert and hands him the drink.
TRENT
Celebrate you putting lying weasel
Billy Bob in his place.
CLINK.
ROBERT
Yeah. I hoped if I kept leading him
on and spreading shit about him,
that he’d take the bait and we’d
hang his ass.
TRENT
Well, you are the king of gossip!
Trent pats Robert on his back.
TRENT (CONT’D)
By the way, what do you think of my
yacht?
As he looks around the yacht, Robert notices they are heading
out to open sea.
ROBERT
Yeah, swell! Thought you said we were just taking a spin in the harbor.
TRENT
Yeah, well… you’re not afraid of deep water, are you?
Beads of sweat run down Robert’s forehead. He shakes his head.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Good. Say about your payment. I’m a little light right now.
ROBERT
How light?
TRENT
One hundred percent.
ROBERT
Are you shitting me, Trent?
TRENT
Robby, chill baby. You did so good with Billy Bob, I got another score
for you. Do that for me and I’ll make good on what I owe ya.
Before answering, Robert watches Trent brush imaginary lint off his suit.
ROBERT
Dammit Trent.
(looks around)
Okay, who we screwing this time?
TRENT
Funny. You know William Spence?
Robert nods, finishes off the scotch in one gulp.
ROBERT
Yeah, I know him. No dice.
TRENT
Whaddya mean, no dice?
ROBERT
Means, I ain’t gonna do the job.
TRENT
Why?
ROBERT
There are foul lines in baseball for a reason. I have mine.
TRENT
Robby boy! I wouldn’t ask you to do a job I wouldn’t do myself. I… I’ve got a lot of other stuff to deal with.
Robert takes another look around the yacht.
ROBERT
Yeah, I can see that. Probably where my cut went.
TRENT
Come on whatcha say? I’ll make good on what I owe ya. I need for you to do this job.
He reaches out to grab Robert’s shoulder.
Robert knocks Trent’s arm off his shoulder.
ROBERT
No means no.
TRENT
LARS!
ROBERT
What’s a Lars?
LARS, 30s, exits from the cabin house. He is 6’8” and a mountain of muscles. The epitome of a mean, muscular fighting machine.
TRENT
Robert meet Lars. Lars meet Robert.
Lars only grunts.
ROBERT
Kinda aggressive, even for you amigo.
TRENT
I don’t like people saying no to me. You know that.
Trent looks at Lars, then head motions to Robert.
Lars stalks over to Robert.
His eyes as wide as truck tires, Robert backs up.
Lars raises his huge arms and swings his right at Robert.
As Lars is in mid-swing, Robert side steps and does a leg sweep using Lars’ size and weight to knock him against the railing.
Lars teeters, arms flailing, and almost regains his balance, but then falls overboard into the ocean.
Mouth wide open, Trent looks at the ocean below.
Robert shoots Trent a look.
ROBERT
Guess all those martial arts in the Marines finally paid off.
Robert strolls toward Trent, who backs up until there is nowhere to back up.
Robert grabs Trent by the throat and lifts him off the deck.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
This is going to hurt you more than me. OH! Billy Bob says howdy!
POW!
THUD!
Trent’s body slams on the deck.
Robert picks up Trent as the yacht continues to make its way further out to sea.
POW!
THUD!
FADE OUT.
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ASSIGNMENT NO. 5
Title: Ed. Gillow first attempt at Creative Mastery
I learned that it is fun (and smart) to have a repeatable process and follow it. Interest techniques are cool!
*Pardon the lack of formatting my laptop (which contains Final Draft) is in the shop.*
EXT. MARINA DEL REY – MARINA – DAY
ROBERT, 30s, wearing Ray-Bans, bright Hawaiian shirt and dockers strides down the marina dock way. He nervously pops a stick of spearmint gum into his mouth and chews away. His head on a swivel, he searches for a certain yacht. Finally, he spots his target. The wording on the back of the 50-foot yacht reads:
TREPEDATION
ROBERT:
Jeez, Trent! Who’d you kill to get this?
TRENT (30s) greased back hair, Hugo Boss suit, layers of gold neck chains and black dress shirt pops his head over the top railing.
TRENT:
What’d you say, Robert?
Robert reacts to Trent’s ambush.
TRENT (cont’d)
Get your fat ass up here so we can celebrate, mate!
Robert carefully hops on the yacht and cautiously makes his way up to the top deck.
Trent strides over to meet Robert. He gives him a big bear hug. Steps back to straighten out his suit.
TRENT (cont’d)
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
ROBERT: Hey, no problem.
Trent yells into the intercom.
Lars, take her out!
The yacht’s engines fire up and the yacht glides out of the slip.
ROBERT:
Whoa, what’s going on?
TRENT:
Just a quick spin around the harbor, no biggie.
Robert looks around, chews his gum, and smiles nervously.
TRENT:
Let’s have a drink.
Robert looks around the top deck:
Sure.
Trent pours two scotches on ice. He spills a bit of scotch on the counter. Muttering to himself he cleans up the spill, then folds the napkin neatly and stores it on the counter. He approaches Robert and hands him the drink.
TRENT:
Here’s to you for putting Billy Bob in his place.
CLINK.
ROBERT:
Yeah, how about that lying weasel? I knew if I kept leading him on and spreading shit about him, he’d take the bait and we’d hang his ass.
TRENT:
Well, damn good job!
Trent hands Robert a stock of money.
TRENT (cont’d)
That’s my way of saying thank you. By the way, what do you think of my yacht?
As he looks around the yacht, Robert notices they’re heading out to open sea.
ROBERT:
Thought you said we were just taking a spin in the harbor.
TRENT:
Yeah, well… you’re not afraid of deep water, are you?
Robert’s forehead starts beading up. He shakes his head.
TRENT (cont’d)
Good. I need you to do another job for me.
Before answering, Robert watches Trent straighten his suit.
ROBERT:
Who we screwing this time?
TRENT:
Funny. You know William Spence?
Robert nods, finishes off the scotch in one gulp.
ROBERT:
Yeah, I know him. No dice.
TRENT:
Whaddya mean, no dice?
ROBERT:
Means, I ain’t gonna do the job.
TRENT:
Why?
ROBERT:
There are foul lines in baseball for a reason.
TRENT:
I wouldn’t ask you to do a job I wouldn’t do myself. I… I’ve got a lot of other stuff to deal with.
ROBERT:
Yeah, I can see that.
TRENT:
Come on whatcha say? I’ll make it worth your while.
He head nods to the stack on money in Robert’s hands.
ROBERT:
No means no.
TRENT:
LARS!
ROBERT:
What’s a Lars?
LARS exits from the cabin house. He is 6’8” and a mountain of muscles. The epitome of a lean, mean fighting machine.
TRENT:
Robert meet Lars. Lars meet Robert.
Lars grunts.
ROBERT:
Kinda aggressive, even for you Trent.
TRENT:
I don’t like people saying no to me. You know that.
Trent looks at Lars, then head motions to Robert.
Lars stalks over to Robert.
Robert backs up, looking around for something he can grab.
Lars raises his huge arms and swings his right at Robert.
As Lars is in mid-swing, Robert side steps and does a leg sweep using Lars’ size and weight to knock him against the railing. Lars teeters and almost regains his balance, but falls overboard into the ocean.
Robert shoots a look at the shocked Trent.
ROBERT:
Guess all those martial arts in the Marines finally paid off.
Robert strolls toward Trent, who backs up until there is nowhere to back up.
Robert grabs Trent by the throat and lifts him off the deck.
ROBERT:
This is going to hurt you more than me. OH! Billy Bob says howdy!
POW!
THUD!
Trent falls to the deck.
Robert picks Trent up as the yacht continues to make its way further out to sea.
POW!
THUD!
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Assignment No. 4
Title: Ed. Gillow Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…. adding maximum interest and essence.
LOGLINE: Boone, Martha, and Moses battle for their lives.
ESSENCE: Moses learns that Boone and Price were originally out to not honor their agreement.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: suspense, major twist, surprise, reveal, betrayal, superior position, and uncertainty.
INT. RANCH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Boone struggles through the trapdoor.
Moses runs over to him.
Continued gunfire from outside.
MOSES
You all right?
BOONE
I’ll live…
Boone surveys the room.
BOONE
Where are Price and the soldiers?
MOSES
They left before Jose arrived.
BOONE
Chicken sons of… They lied about paying off your ranch.
Moses ties a bandana around Boone’s leg.
MOSES
How long have you known?
BOONE
From the beginning.
Moses glares at Boone for a few moments, then ties the bandana REALLY tight.
Boone winces.
Martha watches Boone and Moses.
BOONE
I’m sorry.
MARTHA
I need some help here.
Moses moves over to join Martha.
MOSES
I forgive you, Boone. This is not your fight. They are after me.
BOONE
I beg to differ. They have Betty. It’s personal now.
Boone limps over to a window to join Moses and Martha.
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ASSIGNMENT Number 3
Title: Ed. Gillow Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…. To add dimensions (core traits) to your characters to create “extreme” characters. I like the ratios Hal showed regarding good versus bad guy traits. Never did that before.
Person #1: Core traits = Sarcastic, arrogant, self-centered, entertaining
Used to bicycle together, but his 3 “bad guy” traits became too much to deal with and the one “good guy” trait just couldn’t make up the gap.
Person #2: Core traits = spiritual, caring, creative, lackadaisical
Writing partner and creative genius. Is a caregiver and is very spiritual. When we meet to create, I get inspired to create as does he, however, that is as far as it goes. Disappointing, as we have a ton of great projects sitting there in his head.
Person #3: energetic, motivational, creative, inefficient
The epitome of motivational. Highly creative and energetic. However, lacks the skill set to get things done efficiently or done at all.
In summary, these 3 individuals consistently show their core traits in each interaction I have with them.
Years back, I took David Freeman’s Beyond Structure class. He taught us about character diamond as a tool to use to characterize our characters. I follow that religiously when I write to create my characters. It basically follows what you are teaching us here and adds a couple more trait levels.
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Assignment No 2
Ed. Gillow Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… that I need more practice on essence to really understand it.
Script I choose: Sidetracked
Scene 1 Location: INT. MOSES’ RANCH – EVENING
Logline: Moses and Martha debate whether Moses should take bounty hunting job.
Essence I’ve discovered: That Moses and Martha not internalize what they are thinking/feeling
New Logline: Moses and Martha brainstorm why Moses should take bounty hunting job.
Scene 2 Location: INT. EMILY HOTEL/LOBBY – CONTINUOUS
Logline: Moses not allowed to check into Emily Hotel as no Indians are allowed
Essence I’ve discovered: The racist Boone wanted to play a trick on Moses
New Logline: Boone takes his racism to new heights when Moses cannot check into Emily Hotel [No Indians allowed]
Scene 3 Location: EXT. PRAIRE – CONTINUOUS
Logline: Jose vents off some steam about his shooting of Green Tooth
Essence I’ve discovered: Doesn’t move story along
New Logline: Will blend parts of this scene with another Jose scene that does move story along
Scene 4 Location: EXT. BETTY’S HOUSE – EVENING
Logline: Jose kidnaps Betty from her house.
Essence I’ve discovered: Scene humanizes Jose, which I want to avoid.
New Logline: Will delete scene and let audience learn what happened when Boone and Moses find out.
Scene 5 Location: EXT. MOSES’ RANCH – DAY
Logline: Moses easily guns down Jose
Essence I’ve discovered: not enough buildup to this ending
New Logline: Moses and Jose play cat and mouse to draw out the eventual shootout.
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Assignment #1
Edward Gillow Finds the Essence
Learned that Essence is what are you trying to accomplish in the scene.
Script I choose: Dr. Zhivago
Scene 1 Location: EXT. Gromeko Street. Day
Logline: On a tram, Yuri and Lara enter each other’s life, but indirectly.
Essence: You never know when you will meet someone who will change your life.
Scene 2 Location: EXT. Gromeko Street-Poor Section.Day
Logline: Pasha wants his revolution and Lara, too.
Essence: The paths of two people in love will branch off for now.
Scene 3 Location: EXT. Gromeko Street. Night
Logline: Komarovsky rapes Lara, Dragoons violently quell Pasha’s demonstration as Yuri observes the slaughter in horror.
Essence: Show the brutality of man against other men and how others want to help those in need.
Scene 4 Location: INT. Dressmaking Establishment- Studio. Night
Logline: Yuri finally meets Lara when she tries to commit suicide.
Essence: How people’s lives intersect under difficult circumstances.
Scene 5 Location: INT. Tram. Day
Logline: Older Yuri (on tram) sees Lara walking on street and tries to get to her and suffers heart attack in process
Essence: The hardships both Yuri and Lara had to endure to be together
My selection for most profound essence:
The essence of this scene is: The hardships both Yuri and Lara had to endure to be together
Why is it the most profound? Throughout this classic movie, it was a love story between two people who met against impossible odds, fell in love, and how their lives wove in and out as they tried to stay together. In this scene, Yuri sees Lara (after many years of being apart) and tries to get to her but suffers a heart attack while she is unaware of what happens behind her. I remember vividly the emotions I felt while watching this scene. Totally profound.
PS: Hal and Cheryl. Unfortunately, the script i download for Dr. Zhivago was shooting script and wouldn’t allow me to copy the scene and post it here. I have a word document of this assignment that contains the scene but don’t see where I can attach a doc to the assignment page. Any suggestions?
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Edward Gillow. Reason: Was confused on what was required by location of scene we selected
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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1. My name is Ed. Gillow.
2. Have written 35 scripts & 1 novel
3. Need to take my writing to the next level. This class promises to hit the items to get me there.
4. I am an TV & Film actor that also writes.
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1. Edward Gillow
2. I agree to the terms of this release form:
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Copy that. It’s all about making the time to do what you love and what you were put on this earth for. Follow your passion and you will do great!
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Denice. Thank you again for such awesome feedback on my scene. You are very talented in giving feedback. Okay let me see if I can provide you with something of value. You continue to nail interesting settings: underground glass cell. Wow! Is 2037 the cell number? Or year? GREAT job of setting the mood and tone with the description. Great character intros as well. Definitely brought home both character’s subtext and their traits, nicely done. You mixed action and dialogue to make that happen. Lots of interest techniques in play to keep me guessing and into the story. Great cliffhanger at end with the son. You are very consistent with your writing. Well done and continued success to you!
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Hi Bob. First off thank you again for your awesome feedback on my scene. I am in awe of how good you and Denice are on giving feedback. I will endeavor to improve in that area. So for my feedback on your scene. I really liked the setting of yours, and you painted a great visual on just how wealthy this guy is. Which makes us wonder, how did he get so rich? So character introductions were spot on. I think you did an awesome job with the character traits for both characters either with dialogue or action. Each character’s subtext was shown as well! I found it interesting that Beverly hid Phillip’s cape from him. I think you hit a home run on using interest techniques, I still struggle with using them, however, you have mastered them in my opinion. The drug smuggling was a cool twist, and your cliffhanger at the end really brought it home. Well done sir!
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Denice! You come up with the GREATEST settings. Color me jealous. Totally hit homers on the interest techniques. You are very creative with the way you do them. Nice back and forth dialogue to create the tension, mood, etc and let us know who we are dealing with character wise. Great cliffhanger as well. Well done. You and Robert have really done well with the interest techniques.
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Bob! Most excellent job as always! I thought you hit many of the max interest techniques. Definitely the subtext of both characters came out. Kudos. You did a great job of showing the character traits for both characters through the dialogue. Nice setups on the relationship between Phillip and Brandy. The betrayal at the end was totally awesome. His politeness at the end of the first scene rang through the change of character with his evilness at the start of the second scene. Nice snappy dialogue helped complement many of the interest techniques. Nicely done. Definitely a screenplay in your work. Cheers!
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Wow! I loved how well you did with the ideas/brainstorming. You would be a great one to co-write with. I tend to write by the seat of my pants. I would say it won’t take too long for you to master these new techniques based on the level and detail of your brainstorming. Well done.
Great scene by the way. I loved the back and forth. Based on your scene, I missed a scene on mine showing the reveal.
Very nice work Bob.
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Robert. Once again, thank you for you kind words. My old brain takes time to really lock these new techniques in. We certainly have had a lot of practice in this class. I hope to take what I learn from it and improve two scripts that have promise. Thank you for your wishes. Ed.
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Robert: Thank you as always for your thoughts and feedback. You pose some good food for thought. Like you, I have entered this particular screenplay into competitions and the best place to date is quarterfinalist. I wish you much luck with your future entries into competitions, using the techniques we’ve learned to date. Speaking for me, I know they will help. Cheers!
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As always totally right on with the feedback Denice. Thank you. I tend to speed through these so all of what you wrote about would come out with me taking more time. LOL… I kinda write scripts from an actor’s POV and that is why I tend to miss out on some good points (like ones you pointed out) I appreciate you taking the time to write what you wrote. Thank you! Have a blessed weekend… Ed.
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Robert! Didn’t see that ending coming. WOW! nice. As you already know, I really like your writing style. Really engaging. This had a ‘Devil Wears Prada’ feel. Nice.
This may be me, but it seemed like Maxine had some of Renee’s traits. Not sure if I saw Renee’s prissy side.
As for their subtext, well done!
Snappy pacing, good back and forth.
Interest techniques. Intuitively, I know they are there, I’m just not good in itemizing them like you so expertly do.
Great ending and cliffhanger which propels us into the next scene.
Nicely done overall… keep on, keeping on!
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Denice: Well done! Very entertaining from the start. I wish I had Robert’s ability to spot the interest techniques easily. So I can only dovetail off his feedback. GREAT setting. I think all of us find space sexy, so kudos. I like the way you mix humor with the serious. Great visuals all the way around. Core traits and subtext – check! Like Robert I wasn’t sure which trait changed I may have missed that in your first write.
I think Robert hit the interest techniques spot on.
Addition to ending. Have the commander enter the scene after Maxine reveals the rape bomb and the three of them stare at each other. Talk about uncomfortable moment, plus cliffhanger.
I really like your writing. Short, sweet and to the point. Keep on, keeping on!
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Robert: As always a VERY thoughtful and worthwhile feedback. I like your idea for the cliffhanger much better than mine. Thank you as always for your feedback. Have a blessed day.
Ed.
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You are most kind Denice. I DO appreciate the kind words. Writing is like acting, in that we continually learn something new all the time. If we say we know everything, we don’t. I really enjoy your writing, your experience shows through. This pet store scene is hilarious. I can see it in my head. Amen on onward and upward…. cheers!
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Hi Robert. I agree with Denice’s comments regarding subtext, interest and character traits. I liked how you introduced the setting. Took me back to my college days… lol. I know I sound like a broken record on this: the only feedback I can give is dialogue. I see this as a back and forth (roller coaster?) scene. “Speeches” slow pacing down. Avoid exposition, if possible. Keep verbs active and simple (present, past, future). I feel like I’m lecturing and don’t mean to, we all have our styles, I like your writing and gotten invested in it, guess that is why I got focused on the dialogue. Pardon if I crossed a line. Have a blessed day.
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Hey Denice: Really liked this version. I have to agree with what Robert wrote regarding setting, interest techniques, and traits. I liked the pacing, due to snappy dialogue and quick action lines. Not sure who Lucinda is, i assumed the new girlfriend? The calamity at the end is hilarious and makes for a great visual. The cliffhanger at end is priceless. From an actor’s POV, this would be a great scene to play. Well done Denice.
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Hi Denice. Thank you for your gracious and insightful feedback. Screenwriting (for me) is a continual learning experience. Always good to have other’s eyes on writing to help shine light on stuff that I missed. Thank you. As I told Robert, I’m not good with feedback but will try to add some value to feedback for you. Cheers…
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Robert: Good feedback as always. I may have gone too far on the combat lingo, so good catch. and with Nancy standing up good catch there. Will bring out the scheming on Nancy better, it was too subtle in the action. also happy go lucky on Squire. Thanks again for very right on feedback. I will try and return the favor. Blessings…
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Not to worry Denice. It is confusing as where to post our assignments. You are not alone.
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Happy Sunday Robert. I like… it is a very snappy scene. Premise is very cool. You nailed traits & subtext. If I could add any feedback it would be dialogue. I’m a believer in short, quick dialogue. keeps the pace going. “Speeches” slow dialogue down IMO. So any long dialogue (speeches) don’t work for me. Speaking for myself, most actors dislike speeches. Since John knows what Nick is up to, could he play it cooler and have more fun at Nick’s expense? If so, it might bring on more of that back and forth banter. At the end, what’s John’s motivation to wail on Nick? If Nick tried to split, then John could use violence to stop him. If I were Nick I would get the hell out of Dodge once John revealed his betrayal (very nicely played Robert). Then John has no choice to pop him. That’s all I got, don’t know if that helps. Have a blessed weekend.
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Happy Sunday Robert. Thanks for hanging in this with this course and providing good feedback to us. I have to admit that I am not skilled in feedback with respect to writing. So I’m not sure I can provide the same level of effective feedback that you provide. But I will do my best. Thank you for your valuable feedback, gave me a few things to mull over. John feels strongly that Nick is the one leaking intel to the bad guys, not that he trusted Mohammed, John likes torturing people, even his buddy Nick. I could have ended the scene with John declaring that Nick is the rat, but I wanted to leave some mystery as what John would do in a following scene. Make sense? Anyways, you have good thoughts to mull over. Now, let’s see if I can review yours with any value for you…. cheers…. Ed.
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Happy Tuesday Bob. Thank you for your most kind critiques of my scene. I will try and return the favor on your scene with an equal level of effective feedback.
I liked the setting of the frat invitee party. I think many of us can relate to that setting whether it be good or bad. So your scene started out with a heightened emotion for the reader. Nice setup of the scene as well. From the start, I felt suspense, intrigue and hope. I felt Robert was in his element and figured he could navigate his way around to get what he wanted.
You did a most excellent job of exhibiting all of Robert’s and Trent’s traits and their subtext. I like using dialogue myself to deliver on those and you utilized dialogue to deliver on those techniques.
It’s fun when one character (Trent) uses another (Michael) to carry out his dirty work to twist/betray Robert. Nice! Gave Robert hope he was in… but not in for what he thought.
Then the suspense/uncertainty at the end between Trent and Molly… nice way to close it out.
Well done Bob. keep on, keeping on…. Ed. Gillow