Ed Lusk
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Subject: Ed Lusk – Action Description
What I learned doing this assignment is a way to control my over writing while still maintaining meaningful action. using the questions will be beneficial to be able to honestly look at action descriptions and make the necessary edits and rewrites.
LINE: The ball comes to rests against the base of a nook. Tomas’s retrieval unhinged by a gnarly pale hand reaching out for him.
Need – Tomas to be more terrified by unsuspected encounter
LINE Other side of the wall, disguised as a bookshelf housing ancient texts, muffled THUDS and HOWLS from the boy ramming into the cell wall.
NEED – some sympathy or empathy for the trapped vampire boy
LINE: He reads the letter to himself, stops mid-bite, and reads it again. Olivia fakes her ambivalent curiosity.
NEED – Olivia’s dying to know what the letter is about but dare not show it.
LINE: A dollop of mayonnaise clings to the stubble on his face. Olivia delicately removes it with the napkin corner. Touching Merchant’s face is such a secret thrill.
NEED- there’s an unspoken attraction between Olivia and Father Merchant
LINE: Olivia lap top is open. She studies an images of ancient hieroglyphic text.
NEED – Olivia is a cryptologist and her wicked skills will become vital later on.
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OPENING SCENES ASSIGNMENT
What I learned doing this assignment is the opening scenes are just not how the story starts but a thoughtfully designed and constructed scene sequence. By using and experimenting with the 10 opening scene models and using the analysis questions, I could improve the meeting the necessary requirements propelling the story forward and keeping the reader engaged.
Some new opening scene experiments:
8. . Plunge us deep into a unique world
UNDER A ELECTRON MICROSCOPE SLIDE
A virus particle, aggressive, agitated creature, readies to attack a host cell. Isolating on the particle we see it receptors are shaped like that of a Roman Centurion spear. The host cell recoils in fear.
The virus attacks with lightning speed. The virus spear mercilessly injects genetic protein particles. INFECTION, REPLICATION. Within split second the host cell spews the virus particles until they fill the slide. REVERSE VIEW
On the other end of the microscope lens a curious eyeball darts about. The pupil dilates in alarm. Veins fill blood.
THE SLIDE
The infection is completed. The genetic material transforms from pale blue of the host cell to red of the out of control contagion.
2. Contrast Opening/Unique character
INT. CHURCH – DAY
The congregation sits stiffly. Faces reflect concern, puzzlement and outright bewilderment. Only the occasional COUGH and RUSTLE of paper break the unbearable silence.
Above them, elevated at the pulpit, shaky hands slam the Bible shut. FATHER SIMON MERCHANT, 30’s faces the crowd. He’s appearance of a man who’s been to hell and back. He takes a deep breath. The congregants brace for The Word.
MERCHANT
God is great. God is a monster. We are forsaken.
Pray will not save us. The doom will not evade us.
Amen.
Merchant steps down from the lectern. He crosses the sanctuary then stops at the altar. With all his might he flips it over. Wine spills, chalices pang and roll across the floor spilling their communion wafers.
SCREAMS and SHOUTS of outrage echo about the hall.
Merchant walks calmly into the darkness of the sacristy.
5. The VO that’s unusual
MERCHANT (V.O.)
On the vanishingly slim chance that a living human being happens upon this writing, I am obliged to forgive her in advance for thinking the author mad. As shall become clear presently, the story to which it bears witness is one that no sane person could accept…
NEW Opening Scene sequence: I went with a unusual Voice over combined with a intriguing scene from another part of the movie with a little character intro. I decided these scenes are more true to the story that follows.
INT. GEORGETOWN – VIROLOGY LABORATORY – NIGHT
Dim lights. Long shadows. Complicated equipment.
Impressive electron microscope stands above spilled stacks of lab reports. On top a pile of unopened postal envelopes one stands out – marked with Vatican air mail stamps. Its prominent red wax seal broken.
A partially burned letter written in Latin haphazardly covers a moldy turkey sandwich.
A man’s hand violently swipes clean the messy counter space. This is FATHER SIMON MERCHANT, mid-thirties, athletic frame concealed under a rumbled priest cossack.
His clerical collar – absent.
He wipes away his sweaty brow leaving an inky smudge. Blood shot eyes try to blink away the truth.
The death grip on his pen practically engraves his thoughts into the notebook’s page.
MERCHANT (V.O.)
On the vanishingly slim chance that a living human being happens upon this writing, I am obliged to forgive her in advance for thinking the author mad. As shall become clear presently, the story to which it bears witness is one that no sane person could accept…
PRELAP: Church bells clang.
EXT. VATICAN CITY – STREET – PRESENT DAY
SUPER: PALM SUNDAY, ONE WEEK AGO
The world’s faithful on parade.
CROWD
Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna!
Dust from thousands of foot steps brushed up into the sky by waving palm fronds.
The masses parade by an alley. A darkened, sinister, place well beyond the reach of sunlight and warmth.
EXT. THE PARADE
A wide-eyed Spanish boy, TOMAS tosses a soccer ball about until he fumbles it.
The ball rolls into the alley. The boy hesitates before he breaks free from MOTHER then runs into the foreboding space.
MOTHER
Tomas! ¿adónde vas?
EXT. THE ALLEY
The ball rests against the base of a nook. Tomas’s retrieval unhinged by a gnarly pale hand reaching out for him.
He shudders at the sight of a cloaked creature, nearly seven feet tall. The face shrouded by a black cloak. A snigger of a smile shows razor sharp teeth. Yellow eyes glow from slits.
A trickle of urine puddles in the dust at the boy’s feet. His deadly grasp at Tomas’s throat. Salvation. The shifting sun emanates a sliver of sunlight into the space.
The ray singes the creatures skin. In a blink he dissolves into thousands of cockroaches escaping down the sewer grate.
Backlit by the ray, it is mother. She tugs the boy back to reality. The boy feebly points in the apparition’s direction.
MOTHER
(off the urine puddle)
I said to go before we left, no? Come along Tomas. Ay!
Back in the parade, Tomas glances back at the alley. His wet spot the only evidence of what was real, or imagined.
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Ed Lusk – Elevated Endings
What I learned doing this assignment is by completing a deep analysis of the ending ,I’ve learned how to improve what leads up to the ending and in return improving or rewriting the ending by meeting the rules. If not the rewrite until they are met. It takes a lot of work to supply a great ending. I’ve learned it is not just bring the story to an end. It is understanding the way to supplying the emotional , enviable and surprising conclusion to what has transpired and leads to the ending is where the pay offs are.
List out the Current Structural Beats of your 3rd Act in your post.
ACT ONE:
Opens oil Vatican City. It’s Palm Sunday, I boy in the parade separates from his mother. In a darkened alley he encountered a terrifying vampire creature which literally scared the piss out of him. The creature leads us to down through the catacombs to a child’s bedroom. A wall slides away revealing it is enclosed in a secret laboratory. The bedroom contains a boy. A priest enters, intentions unknown until the boy transforms into a vampire. Before the priest can administer a shot of glowing fluid, he’s nearly killed but escapes.
Father Simon Merchant, a leading expert in the field of virology is called to the Vatican on a matter of extreme, if not mysterious urgency. Olivia, his graduate assistant, and wondering love interest, insist Merchant stay in DC for his Senate confirmation hearing as Director of NIH.
As a compromise, Merchant agrees to bring Olivia along with a promise he’ll return in time. Arriving at the Vatican Merchant , meets hosts Father Collini, a exorcist, and Father O’Hara, another noted scientist. The priest reveal to Merchant the Vatican has been studying vampires for centuries in a secret laboratory. Merchant is there to conduct a vaccine trial as the virus N1PH, causing vampirism has mutated and in dangerously close to causing an outbreak. It is believed the vampires are lead by Yofiel, who must be cured and the others will follow. Merchant ethically and morally troubled decision to participate in vaccine trials leads to the horrible death of test subject, Tomislav.
ACT TWO
Merchant failure and guilt has him questioning both his science and his faith placing him at odds with Olivia who demands he leave. Stabbed by one of his own vaccines in a fight with vampires, Merchant transcends into a state of delirium. There he meets Ignatius Loyola, who places doubting Merchant through a series of test. He emerges enlightened, placing faith ahead of science in his goal to find Yofiel and the cure. Collini and Olivia find themselves questioning Merchant’s sanity in his new discovery linking The Spear of Destiny and the N1PH virus. Merchant becomes increasing jeoulous of Olivia’s relationship with old flame Le Nguyen. One of Collins’s secret ancient text gives some hope Merchant’s on the right path. The vampires gain the upper hand assisted by double crossing Cardiac Michelet , who supporting Yofiel, and Father O’Hara’s demise into vampirism. Merchant’s quest to find the Spear of Destiny, its existence a leap of faith, leads to Olivia’s capture by the vampires and Merchant’s dilemma to save her or cure the virus under dubious circumstances.
ACT THREE STRUCTURE
PLOT POINT 2 — Merchant determines the DNA on the Spear of Destiny holds the key to curing the N1PH virus. He sets out to find it despite its legendary existence.
CRISIS — The box intended to hold Spear of Destiny is empty. If Merchant is to stop the virus and save Olivia he must decide where to place his trust, in his science or his faith. If either is wrong he fails in both attempts.
CLIMAX — In the pagan temple deep beneath Vatican City, Merchant faces off with the powerful Vampire Yofiel. Friends and colleagues fall during the battle. Merchant takes on a leap of faith. He succeeds in defeating Yofiel only to create a bigger problem he relies on his former enemy to solve. Only with Olivia by his side is he able defeat the true source of evil.
RESOLUTION — By defeating Yofiel, Merchant frees his vampire soul revealing him to be the Roman Centurion Longinus. Confirming Merchant’s belief that it was his contaminated spear which is the incubus of the N1PH virus and confirming Ignatius Loyola’s prophecy for him was true. Merchant and Olivia agree they’ll share with the world.what they experienced and seal it with a kiss on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica dome.
FINAL PAGE — By answering the Vatican’s call, Merchant is given proof of God existence pointing at the falsehood of religion . The Vatican’s power play forces Merchant never to share his new found knowledge or it will cost the secretly exiled Olivia her life. Merchant is left with only hope that one day they will be together.
RULES CHECK:
The ending must be surprising, but inevitable.
Merchant does have his final encounter with Yofiel and defeats him. It’s inevitable he finds and saves Olivia. They accept and concede their love for one another. Their new colleagues and friends die in the battle. There are surprises: Yofiel is the Roman Centurion Longinus. He possesses the original spear head which Merchant seeks. The spear head contains a secret which connects the back story to Merchant’s present day predicament in a leap of faith conclusion.
2. The ending must be filled with meaning and that has been well setup.
I made the Spear of Destiny, a legendary item, into a highly valued object to save the world and provide a surprising ending. Merchant’s new friends, Father Collini and Captain Ossing die for Merchant’s cause. Merchant and Le Nguyen put aside their differences to save Olivia, the women they both love. I’ve taken the trope of vampirism and set it up as a sickness caused by a virus. That virus’s origin brought into question as diabolical or scientific. Merchant was able to redeem himself after the loss of Tomislav.
They’re some areas that are not delivering meaning. Merchant has a back story, he’s harbors guilt over the death of his mother. That doesn’t strongly tie into the main story line. I need to elevate the mistrust and contempt shared between Cardinal Michelet and Father O’Hara for better meaning to their face off. The love triangle between Merchant, Le Nguyen and Olivia is underserved.
3. The ending must express and resolve the main conflict in some way.
The conflict is Father Merchant answers the call to find a cure for the virus that causes vampirism and save the world from a pandemic. In doing so he does succeed in his goal but pays a high price. His friends and colleagues die. His faith and trust in both science and religion are tested if not lost. He’s enlightened beyond belief but silenced at the same time by the same powers that sought his counsel. He’s separated from the women he loves, which he can do something about but might cost them their lives. Is that satisfying? I think so. I wanted to bring a strong sense of irony to the ending. Merchant’s journey is one of discovery, discovery about himself (needs work) and discovery about this world he’s been introduced into. His unending quest for knowledge leads him to a leap of faith conclusion with a price to pay.
4. The ending must be organic to the story, but larger than Act 1 and 2.
Merchant’s story pivots from one about finding a scientific based vaccine to cure vampirism to finding an legendary religious object believed to be the source of the virus. By find the Spear of Destiny, Merchant would return to his scientific approach. Merchant has a physical and emotional journey through all three acts, which needs to be made stronger. Act three is different than ACT 1 & 2, but I think its nature is derived from what occurred in those acts. I don’t think we enter “weird land”, but it worth taking a second look.
5. Don’t go On-The-Nose.
I think some of the surprise in ACT 3 softens some of the isn’t it obviousness. However I need to improve Merchant’s journey as a man driven to the brink of madness despite his convictions to science and religion. He strong belief has to become his apparent weakness for making bad decisions ramping up the drama and conflict. In the end he is right but that contradiction needs to be improved without on the nose and more subtext. There is a reference to heresy earlier in the story that’s meant to be a payoff in Act 3, that needs to be elevated.
6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
I’m not sure I have the quintessential location. This rule take some further study. In some ways it does at the vampire are down in the catacombs of Vatican City, an ancient, dark and forbidding place. The pagan temple plays well thematically. I have to review other places that would be organic to the story.
7. You must keep us guessing to the very end.
Left guessing if Merchant will disobey The Vatican and preach about the experience he had and if so, will he be believed? Will he set out to find Olivia? Will he succeed or not? What will happen to them?
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Ed Lusk – Elevated Endings
What I learned doing this assignment is by completing a deep analysis of the ending ,I’ve learned how to improve what leads up to the ending and in return improving or rewriting the ending by meeting the rules. If not the rewrite until they are met. It takes a lot of work to supply a great ending. I’ve learned it is not just bring the story to an end. It is understanding the way to supplying the emotional , enviable and surprising conclusion to what has transpired and leads to the ending is where the pay offs are.
List out the Current Structural Beats of your 3rd Act in your post.
ACT ONE:
Opens oil Vatican City. It’s Palm Sunday, I boy in the parade separates from his mother. In a darkened alley he encountered a terrifying vampire creature which literally scared the piss out of him. The creature leads us to down through the catacombs to a child’s bedroom. A wall slides away revealing it is enclosed in a secret laboratory. The bedroom contains a boy. A priest enters, intentions unknown until the boy transforms into a vampire. Before the priest can administer a shot of glowing fluid, he’s nearly killed but escapes.
Father Simon Merchant, a leading expert in the field of virology is called to the Vatican on a matter of extreme, if not mysterious urgency. Olivia, his graduate assistant, and wondering love interest, insist Merchant stay in DC for his Senate confirmation hearing as Director of NIH.
As a compromise, Merchant agrees to bring Olivia along with a promise he’ll return in time. Arriving at the Vatican Merchant , meets hosts Father Collini, a exorcist, and Father O’Hara, another noted scientist. The priest reveal to Merchant the Vatican has been studying vampires for centuries in a secret laboratory. Merchant is there to conduct a vaccine trial as the virus N1PH, causing vampirism has mutated and in dangerously close to causing an outbreak. It is believed the vampires are lead by Yofiel, who must be cured and the others will follow. Merchant ethically and morally troubled decision to participate in vaccine trials leads to the horrible death of test subject, Tomislav.
ACT TWO
Merchant failure and guilt has him questioning both his science and his faith placing him at odds with Olivia who demands he leave. Stabbed by one of his own vaccines in a fight with vampires, Merchant transcends into a state of delirium. There he meets Ignatius Loyola, who places doubting Merchant through a series of test. He emerges enlightened, placing faith ahead of science in his goal to find Yofiel and the cure. Collini and Olivia find themselves questioning Merchant’s sanity in his new discovery linking The Spear of Destiny and the N1PH virus. Merchant becomes increasing jeoulous of Olivia’s relationship with old flame Le Nguyen. One of Collins’s secret ancient text gives some hope Merchant’s on the right path. The vampires gain the upper hand assisted by double crossing Cardiac Michelet , who supporting Yofiel, and Father O’Hara’s demise into vampirism. Merchant’s quest to find the Spear of Destiny, its existence a leap of faith, leads to Olivia’s capture by the vampires and Merchant’s dilemma to save her or cure the virus under dubious circumstances.
ACT THREE STRUCTURE
PLOT POINT 2 — Merchant determines the DNA on the Spear of Destiny holds the key to curing the N1PH virus. He sets out to find it despite its legendary existence.
CRISIS — The box intended to hold Spear of Destiny is empty. If Merchant is to stop the virus and save Olivia he must decide where to place his trust, in his science or his faith. If either is wrong he fails in both attempts.
CLIMAX — In the pagan temple deep beneath Vatican City, Merchant faces off with the powerful Vampire Yofiel. Friends and colleagues fall during the battle. Merchant takes on a leap of faith. He succeeds in defeating Yofiel only to create a bigger problem he relies on his former enemy to solve. Only with Olivia by his side is he able defeat the true source of evil.
RESOLUTION — By defeating Yofiel, Merchant frees his vampire soul revealing him to be the Roman Centurion Longinus. Confirming Merchant’s belief that it was his contaminated spear which is the incubus of the N1PH virus and confirming Ignatius Loyola’s prophecy for him was true. Merchant and Olivia agree they’ll share with the world.what they experienced and seal it with a kiss on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica dome.
FINAL PAGE — By answering the Vatican’s call, Merchant is given proof of God existence pointing at the falsehood of religion . The Vatican’s power play forces Merchant never to share his new found knowledge or it will cost the secretly exiled Olivia her life. Merchant is left with only hope that one day they will be together.
RULES CHECK:
The ending must be surprising, but inevitable.
Merchant does have his final encounter with Yofiel and defeats him. It’s inevitable he finds and saves Olivia. They accept and concede their love for one another. Their new colleagues and friends die in the battle. There are surprises: Yofiel is the Roman Centurion Longinus. He possesses the original spear head which Merchant seeks. The spear head contains a secret which connects the back story to Merchant’s present day predicament in a leap of faith conclusion.
2. The ending must be filled with meaning and that has been well setup.
I made the Spear of Destiny, a legendary item, into a highly valued object to save the world and provide a surprising ending. Merchant’s new friends, Father Collini and Captain Ossing die for Merchant’s cause. Merchant and Le Nguyen put aside their differences to save Olivia, the women they both love. I’ve taken the trope of vampirism and set it up as a sickness caused by a virus. That virus’s origin brought into question as diabolical or scientific. Merchant was able to redeem himself after the loss of Tomislav.
They’re some areas that are not delivering meaning. Merchant has a back story, he’s harbors guilt over the death of his mother. That doesn’t strongly tie into the main story line. I need to elevate the mistrust and contempt shared between Cardinal Michelet and Father O’Hara for better meaning to their face off. The love triangle between Merchant, Le Nguyen and Olivia is underserved.
3. The ending must express and resolve the main conflict in some way.
The conflict is Father Merchant answers the call to find a cure for the virus that causes vampirism and save the world from a pandemic. In doing so he does succeed in his goal but pays a high price. His friends and colleagues die. His faith and trust in both science and religion are tested if not lost. He’s enlightened beyond belief but silenced at the same time by the same powers that sought his counsel. He’s separated from the women he loves, which he can do something about but might cost them their lives. Is that satisfying? I think so. I wanted to bring a strong sense of irony to the ending. Merchant’s journey is one of discovery, discovery about himself (needs work) and discovery about this world he’s been introduced into. His unending quest for knowledge leads him to a leap of faith conclusion with a price to pay.
4. The ending must be organic to the story, but larger than Act 1 and 2.
Merchant’s story pivots from one about finding a scientific based vaccine to cure vampirism to finding an legendary religious object believed to be the source of the virus. By find the Spear of Destiny, Merchant would return to his scientific approach. Merchant has a physical and emotional journey through all three acts, which needs to be made stronger. Act three is different than ACT 1 & 2, but I think its nature is derived from what occurred in those acts. I don’t think we enter “weird land”, but it worth taking a second look.
5. Don’t go On-The-Nose.
I think some of the surprise in ACT 3 softens some of the isn’t it obviousness. However I need to improve Merchant’s journey as a man driven to the brink of madness despite his convictions to science and religion. He strong belief has to become his apparent weakness for making bad decisions ramping up the drama and conflict. In the end he is right but that contradiction needs to be improved without on the nose and more subtext. There is a reference to heresy earlier in the story that’s meant to be a payoff in Act 3, that needs to be elevated.
6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
I’m not sure I have the quintessential location. This rule take some further study. In some ways it does at the vampire are down in the catacombs of Vatican City, an ancient, dark and forbidding place. The pagan temple plays well thematically. I have to review other places that would be organic to the story.
7. You must keep us guessing to the very end.
Left guessing if Merchant will disobey The Vatican and preach about the experience he had and if so, will he be believed? Will he set out to find Olivia? Will he succeed or not? What will happen to them?
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This post is lesson 15, endings. (also posted to #15 forum) I reposted for lesson 16 – Sell your script in first three pages.
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Subject: Ed Lusk’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment is how character, subtext, and other dialogue improvment possibilities can be achieved by focusing in on a scene and or a line of dialogue. By methodically applying different techniques a much more emotional and impactful line is achieved.
SCENE TO REWRITE: Final showdown between Father O’Hara, turned vampire, and our heroes.
The meaning I want to deliver is: the conflicted remorse Father Collini expresses after he kills his oldest and best friend, Father O’Hara.
INT. THE GATE
…they turn right into the snarling presence of a smoldering Father O’Hara. His flesh melting off of his skull.
COLLINI
Holy Mother of God.
NGUYEN
It’s three against one.
The Loyal Servant stands with O’Hara only to have O’Hara’s dig his fangs deep into his neck.
Rejuvenated, O’Hara roars with vengeance. Merchant and Nguyen look for an escape.
NGUYEN
Get out of here. I can handle him.
MERCHANT
Don’t be a fool, Le.
They look for a weapon, anything, there is nothing but bare walls. O’Hara circles his prey. He pounces at Merchant.
Merchant side steps O’Hara sending him at Nguyen. He trips O’Hara. Momentum carries him stumbling back towards the edge of the aquifer.
NGUYEN
You think?
MERCHANT
In vampire myths we trust.
O’Hara teeters on the edge of the pool. Collini charges ahead and does his best soccer header into O’Hara’s chest.
O’Hara, friend, colleague, reaches put the throttle Collini only to plunge into the holy water. He wails and vaporizes into steaming, soupy goo.
Collini crosses himself. Merchant joins him at his side.
COLLINI
His soul now rests in peace. (I WANT TO REWRITE THIS LINE)
NEW LINE:
COLLINI
This is what you’ve led us to Father Merchant, from men of peace to men of war. O’Hara will forgive me but my God will not.
MERCHANT
You did the right thing Father.
NGUYEN
(RE: the water) I think we have our battle plan.
MERCHANT
Not entirely. The Longinus statue!
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Subject title: Ed Lusk loves separating character dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is by separating out and concentrating on one character’s dialogue truly helps bring out character and with practice will move my writing away from boring dialogue. I caught myself writing a few lines that are movie dialogue lines! This method is also a valuable way to see and hear if a main character’s journey/arc is being met or not and a way to make that transition happen.
PROFILE
1. Character Name: Father Simon Merchant – PROTAGONIST
Role: Jesuit Priest and expert virologist
Core Character Traits:
High Intelligence /Scientific Acumen
Guilt ridden
Compassionate
Physically Fit
Character Subtext LogLine: Merchant is an intelligent person seeking to do what is right yet is conflicted over what is required of him by God and his peers.
Character Arc: Merchant finds his faith and scientific intellect challenged beyond comprehension until he realizes combining them is the way to salvation.
Secret: He’s conflicted about his feelings towards Olivia.
Mission/Agenda: Merchant will redeem himself over his mother’s death by saving his friends and the world from the vampire illness.
Wants?Needs?: Understand his purpose in life. Need, to sincerely believe. Want, cure the vampires, Need, protect Olivia, the only other women in his life.
What makes this character unique? He’s a paradox, a conflict of doubt and faith, rationalism and spirituality, conflict over guilt, forgiving himself, while being forgiven. He has trepidations yet a strong resolve.
DIALOGUE LINE CHANGES:
MERCHANT: Maybe they read my paper on immunizations and religion.
NEW: As a top virologist there is no doubt they read my paper on immunizations and religion. They either want canonize me or laicize me.
MERCHANT: Such a confidence builder. It’s from the Pope, Olivia. In a round about way he is my boss.
NEW: Olivia, may I remind you I am a Jesuit. We are called to go where ever our superior needs us. No matter the circumstance or inconvenience.
MERCHANT: I’m walking to those ambitions not away from them.
NEW: Maybe I should not go into the Vatican’s hornets nest. You’re right about this nomination. It’s an honor, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to lead the NIH.
MERCHANT: I always do. Come with me.
NEW: My faith will not fail me. It’s probably a terrible idea but why don’t you come with me?
MERCHANT: Good old Le Nguyen, The Cryptology Club reconvened. I believe there’s divine intervention at play.
NEW: There’s divine intervention at play and I don’t trust it, nor do I trust Le Nguyen. The guys got more agendas than a politician and less morals.
MERCHANT: Who’s feelings are you referencing?
NEW: Your empathy is misguided.
MERCHANT: Tired eyes. Last call.
NEW: We deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
MERCHANT: That you can not do.
NEW: My journey from the head to the heart is incomplete but not forsaken.
MERCHANT: Do you know why I am here, Father Antolini?
NEW: God works in mysterious ways, does he not Father Antolini?
MERCHANT: Maybe. I am famous.
NEW: God has chosen me, why is unfathomable mystery.
MERCHANT: Now, now, we are guests.
NEW: We are servants of the Lord. Let’s not forget that Olivia.
MERCHANT: Doesn’t exactly fit my background.
NEW: I’m probably the weakest link between faith and science.
MERCHANT: A little. I played in prep school. My mother…she enjoyed watching me more than I did playing it.
MERCHANT: Isn’t that Saint Jerome?
NEW Saint Jerome, you know we have a lot in common.
MERCHANT: Why am I here?
NEW: I’m getting the feeling, a bad one, this is not about spreading germs.
MERCHANT: I don’t understand any of this?
NEW: An enigma wrapped in a paradox
MERCHANT: Institutum Pontificum Studiorum Occulti. The Pontifical Institute of Occult Studies?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Father O’Hara, Gerald O’Hara? I read your book on bacterial genetics. It was transformative.
NEW: Father Gerald O’Hara. Your book on bacterial genetics was balm for my soul.
MERCHANT: I’m sorry but what are you doing down here? What is this place?
NEW:I am a stranger in a foreign land. What is your excuse.
MERCHANT: Supernatural? Now hold on.
NEW: You got the wrong person. I am a man of god and a man of science.
MERCHANT: You’re an exorcist?
NEW: Exorcism, supernatural mumbo jumbo. You don’t need a priest, you need a heretic.
MERCHANT: Olivia would love this.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: You can’t be serious. Vampires of elements of fiction , creative lore. This is absolute madness.
NEW: This absolute madness. Participation is this experiment makes me a madmen, which I can say with great certainty I am not.
MERCHANT: What do you mean, infected?
NEW: Are speaking of a blood borne virus, a rare one?
MERCHANT: I think I would know if there was a pandemic going on.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: Freeze that.
(Video paused. Merchant leans in)
They look like spears. A Roman Centurion’s one.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: The bat flu virus’s genome suggests that its internal genes are compatible with human flu viruses.
NEW: No doubt about it. A bat flu virus, like a human blood borne virus, are of the same genetic make up.
MERCHANT: The infection rate is off the charts.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: What is the receptor then?
NEW: The infection rate demands there’s got to be a shared receptor.
MERCHANT: I won’t pretend I understand any of this. I don’t doubt you gentlemen’s intelligence or sincerity in this matter. I just fail to realize what it has to do with me?
NEW: I’ve given up a lot to come here and I don’t doubt your intelligence or sincerity, however, it’s best you come clean as to the reason I am here.
MERCHANT: I’m here to run a vaccine trial? A vaccine to cure vampirism?
NEW: This, vaccine trial, if can call it that, is beyond madness. I won’t be a part of it. Never!
MERCHANT: — this is at the very least immoral, if not totally unethical. These are human beings, are they not? You (to O’Hara)treat them as lab specimens and you, (to Collini) as monsters. Who am I to believe?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: What war?
NEW: Now that I am in this, please don’t hold back on my account. Spill it.
MERCHANT: They? This is not the only vampire?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Tomislov, Tomislov, can you understand me?
NEW: Tomislov, I am Father Simon Merchant. I can help you. Nod if you understand.
MERCHANT: Tomislov, I want to know if you think you are ill?
NEW: What do you think is the nature of your infliction?
MERCHANT: Christ was never inflected with disease. However, he healed many a soul. Do you seek his forgiveness?
NEW: I will offer you forgiveness, if that is what you seek. I can also offer you hope, but the price is much higher.
MERCHANT: What possesses him, be it science or supernatural, is inconsequential. He’s a tortured soul. It is our responsibility to save him from it.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: Father Milszewski is involved in this too?
NEW: Milszewski’s involved ? Well why the hell not?
MERCHANT: When this is over, I promise I will. (off of seeing Olivia in mirror) Right now, Olivia, I have to focus.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I haven’t even accepted yet why I am here. It’s beyond complicated.
NEW: Please Olivia. My mind is clouded my soul is tortured. For now my heart is at peace.
MERCHANT: I’ve come here for a single purpose.
NEW: I’ve come here for a single purpose and that purpose is being challenged .
MERCHANT: Good evening Le, good to see you.
NEW: Last time I saw you Le, they were going to feed you to the Lion’s.
MERCHANT: And when you yelled, “fire,” Le, how that work out for you?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: If only it were that easy to just walk away.
NEW: Not all of us can so easily escape our tormentors
MERCHANT: Who needs a third wheel when two will do the trick?
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: Take care of Olivia, Le. No matter what happens.
NEW: Take care of Olivia, Le, no matter what happened. I have faith you are the one for her.
MERCHANT: Three milliliters should do it.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: No! Close the door.
New: Close the god damn door!
MERCHANT: What have I done?
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: O’Hara?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Was any of that real?
NEW: My science says this does not exist and yet, it can?
MERCHANT: Galileo? Another heretic.
NEW: I’ll be trialed like Galileo.
MERCHANT: He’s done nothing. It’s been an unbelievable day. Where’s your old chum, Le?
NEW: Shouldn’t you be out consorting with Le, worrying about Church matters doesn’t suit you well, Olivia.
MERCHANT: I can’t leave. I have to make this right. I have to convince myself this is real.
NEW: I must convince myself this is worth it, whatever this is.
MERCHANT: You’re in on this too, aren’t you, Le?
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: The Vatican has a secret library a cryptologist would love. Sorry you can’t see it.
NEW: The Vatican has a secret library a cryptologist would love. Based on what I’ve done already getting you down there is only a minor sin.
MERCHANT: Sit down Olivia and try to keep an open mind.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t see it for myself.
NEW: Seeing is believing and I can’t unsee what I’ve saw.
MERCHANT: Le’s right.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Come to the lab and I’ll show you.
NEW: Once you see the light, Olivia, the dark will never be the same.
MERCHANT: If I can.
NEW: I can, god is at my side.
MERCHANT: God only knows. Here, help me.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I’m sorry I got you into this, Olivia.
NEW: I need your forgiveness Olivia. I was stupid for bringing you here.
MERCHANT: Get behind me.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Are you Ignatius Loyola?
NEW: My patron saint.
MERCHANT: They? Who are they?
NEW: I’m done solving mysteries.
MERCHANT: Am I mad? Where am I?
NEW: Madness. There is no other word for my plight.
MERCHANT: I have not lost faith, Ignatius. It’s just I can’t believe. All of it. None of it. I don’t even believe you are real!
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: What is this?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: As a scientist the simplest explanation is infinitely more likely that I am mad. I am mad for believing in meeting my dead mother and vampires, so as I am for being visited by a dead saint —
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: You can’t deny my rationale.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Wait…
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Stop this!
NEW: Stop! I’ve seen enough, I’ve bared enough. Is there no mercy?
MERCHANT: Why should I have faith when every single thing I’ve encountered in life undermines my beliefs? Rapist and vampires, secret laboratories, abdominal experiments, abject cruelty. Evil surrounds us and yet you showed me nothing to change my views.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: I became a priest for her. Is that not enough?
NEW: My calling answered another’s prayer and that is sufficient for me.
MERCHANT: Wait!
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: You’ve got to be joking.
NEW: Only the ignorant take joy on their jest.
MERCHANT: Shimushel! Shimushel!
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Olivia. Are you real?
NEW: Olivia, speak to me so that I know you are real.
MERCHANT: And of Father O’Hara?
NEW: Same?
MERCHANT: I’m dying and you are doing puzzles?
NEW: There’s more to that puzzle than what can be seen.
MERCHANT: Redacted?
NEW: Some one does not want us to see the light, so to speak.
MERCHANT: An Angel, she had a message from God.
NEW: There is no science to support what I heard. I believe she was an angle and she delivered a message. A message from God.
MERCHANT: If it were not real I dare not imagine what it was.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: (quoting Shimushel)
“It is the God of Light that makes the spirit. It is the God of Darkness that traps the spirit in the flesh.”
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I’m not sure of anything, Father.
NEW: My faith is being tested, Father, one bitch of an exam.
MERCHANT: –the God of Light and the God of Darkness.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: At one time, Olivia, my word was gospel to you.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I’ve seen the wilderness. It’s not that great.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: We got to get to the library.
NEW: I believe the library holds the answer. If only we can find it.
MERCHANT: The statues have eyes. Come on.
NEW: You get that feeling we are being followed?
MERCHANT: The problem is the virus can be spread by non-physical means, call it spiritual transference, if you will. For this circumstance no known vaccine exists.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: –which only goes on to inhabit another soul. It won’t stop the spread. The vampire leader is not only the virus’s host but a,… a,… how would I say…a malevolent divinity.
NEW: It won’t be stopped, this malevolent divinity. Soul by soul will be taken until we find the vampire host and stop it.
MERCHANT: We speak of lightness and darkness, good versus evil and something in between which holds the key.
NEW: I’ve come to embrace the theology of lightness versus darkness, and that gray area in-between. Call it what you want but it is there. I’ve seen it.
MERCHANT: Some say Longinus was blind some say he was not.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: That’s one way to get an…infection.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: In science we call it the experimental method in religion we call it a leap of faith. One way or another I’ll have my answer and If I a am right no one’s going to believe it. Come on.
NEW:Same
MERCHANT: You said so yourself father, there is no explaining how some souls are saved and others turn into vampires.
NEW: In some ways I wish I’d never met you Father Collini. You’ve vexed my faith and made a mockery of my science but I won’t quit. I will find an explanation.
MERCHANT: Don’t drink that. What is missing then is the instant a soul is to rise to heaven, purely arbitrary, unseen phenomena–
NEW: Souls go to heaven, that is undisputed. Yes it is arbitrary and yes it’s a unwitnessed phenomena but we agree it happens.
MERCHANT: What if a person absolutely knew their soul was going to heaven and knew exactly when?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Except there was an intervention, one with an unforeseen consequence. In this scenario the created a most unholy outcome.
NEW: Except in this ascension there was an intervention, one with an unforeseen consequence. In this erratic scenario it created a most unholy of outcomes.
MERCHANT: One in a million, Father, and I’m placing my faith on it.
NEW: One in a mullion, maybe a billion, maybe in an eternity but it happened and I’m all in, my faith, my life, my reputation, all of it.
MERCHANT: My guess is this water is not holy.
NEW: This water is not blessed but we’re well past favors.
MERCHANT: Olivia? Olivia?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Where is she?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: They’ve taken her.
NEW: They’ve taken her away from me.
MERCHANT: Great care has been taken to conceal the truth. A truth that would destroy the church.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: This was written before the Council of Nicaea. So if Yofiel is not the first vampire, then who is? Is there more to this text?
NEW: Look here. This text was written before the Council of Nicaea which means Yofiel came after this reference. There’s some one else out there, some one of great power.
MERCHANT: Enlightenment.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: The original vampire is not Yofiel.
NEW: Strike Line.
MERCHANT: –red herrings. These scrolls are centuries apart. One written in an attempt to cast doubt upon the other. Except this one. This one is not written by Christian or a Jew.
NEW: Same.
MERCHANT: There is a chance the soul of souls was meant for heaven but divinity had other plans. I need to speak to O’Hara.
NEW: Remember how I said there was an intervention. This proves it. Forget about chances. This soul was meant for heaven and O’Hara figured it out what happened. Let’s go.
MERCHANT: Normally viruses attach to host cells then penetrate the cell causing the infection.
NEW: It is standard infection protocol. The virus penetrates the host cell injecting the particles which initiates the infection.
MERCHANT: Look here. The N1PH virus has these spears that pierce the cell membrane releasing the virus genome.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: No virus I’ve studied has ever behaved this way. You may be right Father the virus acts supernatural.
NEW: Standard protocol be damned. You might be right Father, this virus acts supernatural.
MERCHANT: (studying the video)
More like from who? Father Collini, does the Spear of Destiny exist?
NEW: If not of this world than of whose? Father Collini, true or false; The Spear of Destiny exist this day?
MERCHANT: Don’t you see the pattern? Tomislov referenced Longinus and the spear during the trial. My tattoo, the virus itself, a microscopic image of spears.
NEW: It science, there’s a pattern we must follow. Tomislov referenced Longinus and the spear during the trial. My tattoo, the virus itself, a microscopic image of spears. These are not just bread crumbs they are data points.
MERCHANT: I believe there’s a connection and I can prove it. I need that spear.
NEW: I believe, no, I know there’s a connection and I will prove it. I need that god damn spear.
MERCHANT: Be quick about it. We haven’t much time.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: For Olivia.
NEW: We do this for Olivia and we do this for humanity. We can’t fail.
MERCHANT: Captain Ossing, I need the Spear of Destiny. Do you know where it is?
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Olivia will be okay, God will protect her. Right now —
NEW: Olivia won’t be okay in the hands of evil, not even God can save her. Right now we must—(skeptical) Reinforcements?
MERCHANT: This is insane. Olivia is still out there.
NEW: This is insane. Olivia is still out there. The vampires are still out there. Easter Sunday is tomorrow.
MERCHANT: What ever you think you have under control you don’t. It is quite the contrary and the consequences will haunt you, Captain Ossing.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Sorry I got you into this, Le.
NEW: I got you in to this Le. Deep down I knew coming here would bring us together again.
MERCHANT: We need an infection. I should never had brought Olivia.
NEW: Strong women make strong men’s mind go weak.
MERCHANT: How long have you two been together?
NEW: Lighten your load Le, I’ll hear your confession.
MERCHANT: And the vampires? Ossing is probably dead by now. This cure is the only chance we have.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: We’ve been infected.
NEW: We are now infected, thanks be to god.
MERCHANT: Source?
MERCHANT: Given that, I’d say we’re in the right spot.
NEW: Hallelujah.
MERCHANT: Wood of the cross. Sign of his death.
NEW: And the Bible tells us so.
MERCHANT: Don’t be a fool, Le.
NEW: You’re a fool, Le.
MERCHANT: In Collini’s text we trust.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: You did the right thing Father.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Not entirely. The statue!
NEW: In American football there’s the hail Mary. Follow me.
MERCHANT: Wait, wait, I saw something.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: There’s something under here.
NEW: Strike Line
MERCHANT: Olivia, she’s down there.
NEW: (Calling) Olivia? Olivia? I know she’s down there.
MERCHANT: You don’t have to do this.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Sorry father, but we need a witness.
NEW: I need you Father, it’s now or never.
MERCHANT: No, but I have my faith.
NEW:
MERCHANT: Stop!
MERCHANT: Get away from her.
NEW: Stop, get away from her
MERCHANT: Now!
NEW: Now is the day of salvation.
MERCHANT: Keep spraying!
MERCHANT: Don’t believe him, Olivia.
NEW: Believe in me, Olivia, for once. Just me.
MERCHANT: Stop! I command Longinus the Centurion to stand down.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Though you have visited many bitter troubles upon me, O Lord, you will restore my soul; from the depths of the Earth you will raise up and restore to life.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Be enlightened and shine forth, O Jerusalem, for your light has come.
NEW: I am the light. I am your salvation. He has called upon me to surrender my soul should thy will be done.
MERCHANT: Hear me know oh Lord. I, who am your servant despite my unworthiness, call upon you now, invoking the power of your word in communion with all the holy patriarchs of Israel.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I command you, unclean spirit, whoever you are, along with your minions, now attacking this servant of God, by the mysteries of incarnation, passion, resurrection and ascension. By the descent of the Holy Spirit, by the coming judgement, you obey me!
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every specter from hell, and your fellow companions.
NEW: In my dying breath I cast out unholy spirit, unclean soul, along with every Satanic power. You are our enemy specter from hell, return to you fellow companions to perish in the flames.
MERCHANT: Corpus Domini Nostri lesu Christi custodiat animam tuam in vitam aeternam.
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: A miracle of science and a miracle of faith which could not have been accomplished without you.
NEW: Living proof of a miracle of science and a miracle of faith and the existence of God. You did it Olivia, and I was your vessel.
MERCHANT: Your name is Longinus, Cassius Longinus.
NEW: If you are not Cassius, then who?
MERCHANT: What happened?
NEW: Tell us friend what happened so we may rewrite the word.
MERCHANT: The blood from the wound and blood from your spear landed in your eyes.
NEW: You got an infection you or no one else could have ever imagined the consequences of.
MERCHANT: Blood. Blood from your spear to his blood. There’s, there’s how can I say, parts of the blood that carry demons. His soul rose to heaven, as it was destined, leaving behind a body, a body consumed with a virus A sickness. That is why he bit you–
MERCHANT: As mad as this man who stands before us.
MERCHANT: What do you believe?
NEW: Our beliefs have been altered yet we still believe, don’t you?
MERCHANT: We don’t. They will believe what they’ve always believed for centuries. The words of two Georgetown heretics doesn’t stand a chance against the .
MERCHANT: Let’s try this.
NEW: Strike Line
MERCHANT: On the vanishingly slim chance that a living human being happens upon this writing, I am obliged to forgive her in advance for thinking the author mad. As shall become clear presently, the story to which it bears witness is one that no sane person could accept…
NEW: Same
MERCHANT: Mother?
MERCHANT: Go? Go Where?
NEW: Strike Line
MERCHANT: Ah, yes, of course. Let me finish up here.
MERCHANT: Nooooo!
NEW: We are forsaken.
-
Subject: Ed Lusk, Dramatic Scene Transitions
What I learned doing this assignments is: not every transition requires a “trick” as the lesson notes a simple FLOW works fine. I did learn there are opportunities for using the other types of transitions improves the read significantly. I will keep in mind the 70%-80% Flow and 20%-30% other transitions as a guide for determining transition application. I did not know that.
ORIGINAL SCENES – FLOW TRANSITION
INT. MUSEUM – DAY
The two men hustle along the double helix staircase lined with statues and artwork acquired over the centuries.
Down and down they go. Footsteps echo off of the marble.
The light diminishing. Merchant tries to take the artwork in while keeping pace with nimble Collini racing down the stairs.
COLLINI
Are you a football fan?
MERCHANT
A little. I played in prep school. My mother…she enjoyed watching me more than I did playing it.
COLLINI
Tragic what became of your mother. This way.
Merchant pauses at a framed sketch hanging on the wall.
MERCHANT
Isn’t that Saint Jerome?
COLLINI
Yes, Da Vinci, very nice. Come along Father Merchant you’re not a tourist here today.
They exit the staircase into a darkened hallway. Not much to see other than a plain stainless steel door.
Collini unlocks it with one of the many keys.
INT. MUSEUM – VESTIBULE
A small lobby and a modern elevator door. Above the door, carved into the stone, Merchant reads aloud then translates.
MERCHANT
Institutum Pontificum Studiorum Occulti. The Pontifical Institute of Occult Studies?
COLLINI
Prepare yourself accordingly, Father Merchant, everything you think you know is about to be unsettled.
The elevator door splits open, Collini, invites Merchant to enter first. He crosses the threshold. The door closes quietly behind them.
# 2 WITH NEW TRANSITION – SHOCK/REVEAL
INT. MUSEUM – DAY
Merchant hurries ahead down the double helix staircase lined with statues and artwork acquired over the centuries.
The light diminishes. Over the clacking a footsteps a faint scream is heard from somewhere down below.
Merchant stops. Listens closely for validation he actually heard that.
Collini to catch up. His kind face show no signs of concern.
COLLINI
Are you a football fan?
MERCHANT
A little. I played in prep school. My mother…she enjoyed watching me more than I did playing it. Did you hear that?
COLLINI
Tragic what became of your mother. This way.
They move on. Merchant pauses at a framed sketch, more a pause for alarm, than interest.
MERCHANT
Isn’t that Saint Jerome?
COLLINI
Yes, Da Vinci, very nice. Come along Father Merchant you’re not a tourist here today.
MERCHANT
Why am I here?
COLLINI
Prepare yourself accordingly, Father Merchant, everything you think you know is about to be unsettled.
They exit the staircase into a darkened hallway. The sheen of stainless steel elevator door the only source of light.
Collini presses the only button – DOWN.
COLLINI
Your destiny, Father Merchant.
INT. ELEVATOR
MERCHANT
I don’t understand any of this?
COLLINI
You are a man of science, correct? Understanding comes with knowledge, knowledge you have not yet gained. Have faith Father.
The door opens. Collini motions – after you.
INT. MUSEUM – VESTIBULE
A small lobby. Dim, ancient. On the wall carved into the stone, Merchant reads aloud.
MERCHANT
Institutum Pontificum Studiorum Occulti. The Pontifical Institute of Occult Studies.
The door closes behind them with a CLUNK.
-
Subject: Ed Lusk Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is there are many ways to keep the integrity of the original scene in place while using the other structures to rewriting it in more interesting and entertaining ways. Not every structure can be applied to a scene (unless a new scene is created) however, the process by itself creates more opportunities for creativity.
EXT. VATICAN CITY – STREET – PRESENT DAY
SUPER: PALM SUNDAY
CHURCH BELLS ring out across the ancient city. Above the roof tops a faint layer of dust rises up from a commotion in the streets below.
The foot steps of thousands of Christian pilgrims on parade from all over the world.
Voice from across the globe shout out: “HOSANNA!”
Palm branches wave in the sun carried by a group of Cardinals dressed in blood red vestments.
Among the masses, a Spanish boy, eyes as wide as innocence, is tugged along by his exuberant mother.
His inattentiveness drawn to a dark, sinister looking, alley.
His curiosity unhinged by the glimpse of a tall, cloaked figure, nearly seven feet tall, leering from behind a nook.
The figure leans closer revealing a shrouded, pale face, with yellow slits for eyes. The hypnotic glare freezes the boy.
A trickle of urine sourced from under the boys shorts puddles the dust at his feet.
MOTHER tugs him along. He feebly points in the apparition’s direction. His voice muted. In a blink the menacing vision dissolves into thousands of cockroaches down a sewer grate.
MOTHER
(Spanish accent)
Come along child we don’t want to miss a blessed thing.
The two join the others as they pour into the magnificent Saint Peter’s Square.
COMPONENT LIST
Establish the setting of The Vatican on joyous Palm Sunday parade
There is unknown evil lurking in the shadows scares a little boy.
The evil dissipates down a sewer.
Mother is oblivious to the nearby terror
Parade goes on none the wiser – except for the boy
SUPERIOR POSITION
The sunny streets of the Vatican City on Palm Sunday
Evil creature lurks in the shadows watches the parade pass by
Little boy chases after his ball which bounces away into the alley
Boy gets ball at the feet of the evil creature scaring the piss out of him
Creature dissipates down the sewer in pile a roaches
Oblivious Mother tugs the boy away rejoining the parade.
TWIST
The Vatican Palm Sunday Parade in progress
Mother and son , holding hands, joyfully participate
Boy sees something in the shadows of the alley
Boy notices now he is now holding hands with the cloaked creature
Boy wets his pants
Boy looks up into shocked/disappointed face of his mother.
Parade continues on to Saint Peter’s
MISLEAD AND REVEAL
The Vatican Palm Sunday Parade in progress
Mother and son , holding hands, joyfully participate
The boy indicates has to go potty
Mother spies a toilet in the alley
Mother waits outside a beat -parade goes on
Mother calls into the toilet – no answer- she enters
The toilet is dark, pure filth and flies
Mother steps around the corner to stall, cloaked creature wraps her in his bony arms
The two dissipate down the toilet in a tornado of cockroaches.
The parade goes on.
REWRITTEN AS SUPERIOR POSITION
EXT. VATICAN CITY – PRESENT DAY
SUPER: PALM SUNDAY
CHURCH BELLS ring out across the ancient city. Above the roof tops a faint layer of dust rises up from a commotion in the streets below.
Zoom down to an alley, it is a dark, sinister, place beyond the reach of sunlight.
EXT. THE ALLEY
We hear deep, controlled, wheezy breathing. The source of the respiratory rhythm peers out from behind a column.
From its POV a Palm Sunday parade passes by. In the slice of light thousands of Christian pilgrims pass by. The being audibly snorts in disgust.
Voices echo off the alley walls: “HOSANNA!”
Palm branch shadows wave agains the floor. Their source; a group of Cardinals dressed in blood red vestments.
EXT. THE PARADE
Among the masses, a Spanish boy, TOMAS, 10, along side his MOTHER . The boys eyes as wide as innocence, gives his attention to his mini-soccer ball. Tossing it up in the air and catching it until…
…he misses. The ball falls a rolls into the dark alley. The boy hesitates before running into the unfamiliar space. His mother calls out after him.
MOTHER
Tomas!
EXT. THE ALLEY
The ball comes to rest against a pillar. Behind it a black cloak ruffles in the breeze.
Tomas goes to pick up the ball. His relief becomes unhinged by a boney white hand extended from the cloaked being, also reaching for it.
Tomas looks up at a tall human like creature, nearly seven feet tall, leering down at him from behind a nook.
He leans closer revealing a shrouded, pale face, with yellow slits for eyes. The hypnotic glare freezes the boy.
A trickle of urine sourced from under the boys shorts puddles the dust at his feet.
In a blink the menacing creature dissolves into thousands of cockroaches down a sewer grate.
MOTHER tugs the boy back to reality. She eyes the puddle of urine with disappointment. The boy feebly points in the apparition’s direction. His voice on mute.
MOTHER
(Spanish accent)
I said to go before we left, no? Come along Tomas. Ay!
Mother pulls Tomas along back to the parade. He looks over his shoulder back at the empty alley. The wet spot the only evidence of what was.
-
What I learned for this lesson – Set Your Script up for Success , is I could rewrite and restructure most of my Act 2 and yet still maintain the storyline while improving the over all script.
-
Ed’s Meaningful Action Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is I’ve many “talkie” scenes that require a deeper, meaningful, action rewrite. I see the power in the lesson to make every scene count for meaning and entertainment.
Meaning of this scene- Olivia’s attempting to make Merchant jealous.
INT. ROME – MERCHANT’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Merchant paces the floor, flipping through pages and pages from Milszewski’s research portfolio.
OLIVIA
You won’t tell me or can’t tell me what this is all about?
MERCHANT
When this is over, I promise I will. Right now, Olivia, I have to focus.
OLIVIA
I should have known, the church of men and their secrets.
MERCHANT
Olivia, I haven’t even accepted yet why I am here. It’s beyond complicated.
A knock on the adjoining room’s door startles Merchant. Olivia goes to answers it.
OLIVIA (O.S.)
Hello Le.
Much to Merchant’s chagrin, LE NGUYEN, 30’s, Olivia’s suave, former flame, struts into his suite from Olivia’s room.
NGUYEN
Simon, good to see you. It’s been too long. You look good.
OLIVIA
I thought I’d look Le up, since we’re in Rome.
MERCHANT
Le, ( shakes hands)
—it’s been awhile.
OLIVIA
He’s absorbed in another Vatican conspiracy.
NGUYEN
Where’s there’s smoke there’s fire.
MERCHANT
And when you yelled, “fire,” Le, how that work out for you?
NGUYEN
I left the priesthood on my own terms, Simon. Not all of us can be complicit.
MERCHANT
If only it were that easy to just walk away.
OLIVIA
Enough. We all responsible for our own decisions.
NGUYEN
Anything I can help you with Simon?
MERCHANT
I need time to research. In peace.
NGUYEN
Fair enough. Olivia, have you eaten yet?
OLIVIA
Matter of fact, no. I’m famished.
Olivia exits to her room and collect her things.
NGUYEN
(whispering)
I hope you know what you are doing. The rumors I’ve heard from my sources make my blood run cold.
MERCHANT
Take care of Olivia, Le. No matter what happens.
Le closes the door leaving Merchant to his work.
REWRITE OF THIS SCENE WITH MEANINGFUL ACTION:
INT. ROME – MERCHANT’S/OLIVIA’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
The door between the adjoining rooms is open. Merchant’s absorbed in going over Father Milszewski’s research papers.
In his mirror, if Merchant looked up, he’d see, as we do, Olivia’s room. Olivia is slipping on a tight skirt over her panties. She wears a bra, no top, and a seductive pout.
OLIVIA (O.S)
You won’t tell me or can’t tell me what this is all about?
MERCHANT
When this is over, I promise I will.
Right now, (sees near nude Olivia in mirror), I have to focus.
Merchant adverts his stare, returning quickly to his papers. Olivia stands in the door frame buttoning up her blouse. She leaves the top two buttons open. Cleavage city.
OLIVIA
I should have known, the church of men and their secrets.
She walks up behind Merchant. Her expensive Italian high heels clicking on the floor. Merchant quickly gathers his papers and snaps shut the portfolio out of view.
Olivia lays her hand delicately on his shoulder. She whisper’s near his ear.
OLIVIA (CONDT)
Seriously Simon?
Merchant jumps up and goes to out the balcony.
MERCHANT (O.S)
I’ve come here for only one purpose, Olivia.
OLIVIA
Then why bring me along?
There’s a knock at the door.
OLIVIA & MERCHANT
Come in.
Merchant turns to face the door. Behind him, a vampire levitates silently in the air, inches away from Merchant. He’s about to turn around when LE NGUYEN, 30’s and annoying suave, enters the room.
Merchant leaves the balcony closing the doors behind him.
Nguyen
Olivia, you make Rome that much more beautiful.
(Kiss on cheek)
And Father Simon Merchant. I hope the clerical collar isn’t cutting of the blood to your brain.
Merchant
Hello Le. Why am I not surprised?
Begrudgingly they shake hands
OLIVIA
Simon’s absorbed in another Vatican conspiracy.
Olivia slinks past Nguyen, touching his forearm as she passes. Le smiles no so innocently. She stands with her back to the balcony doors so the men get a full view of her.
REVERSE BALCONY VIEW – There’s no sign of the vampire.
NGUYEN
Where’s there’s smoke there’s fire.
MERCHANT
And when you yelled, “fire,” Le, how that work out for you?
NGUYEN
I left the priesthood on my own terms, Simon. Not all of us can be complicit.
Nguyen leafs through Simon’s papers. Stopping, eyebrows raised, puts them back down.
MERCHANT
If only it were that easy to just walk away.
Olivia wraps a sweater around her shoulders. She leans over Merchant, her breasts brushing his back as she checks her makeup in the mirror.
OLIVIA
Enough. We all responsible for our own decisions.
Will you join us for dinner, Simon?
Merchant
Who needs a third wheel when two will do the trick?
Olivia
Very well.
Olivia gathers her purse and struts across the room, one more over the shoulder glance at Merchant and is out the door.
NGUYEN
(whispering)
I hope you know what you are doing. The rumors I’ve heard from my sources make my blood run cold.
MERCHANT
Take care of Olivia, Le. No matter what happens.
Le closes the door leaving Merchant to his work. The balcony doors swing violently open. A wind blows Merchant’s papers over the room. He darts about gather them.
-
Ed’s Elevated Story Beats.
What I learned from this assignment is Hal’s mantra ” Different is not Better” sticks to the back of my mind while writing. I struggle with am I writing something truly better or just different? Using the lesson questions, helps to answer and identify if I am improving quality or not.
Three Scenes to Improve & Purpose:
7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Purpose of the scene is two fold: to elevate Merchant’s helplessness and guilt feelings over a past event and to illustrate Father Merchant’s more deeper emotional relationship with his assistant, Olivia.
Goals: More emotion, unique situation, more extreme.
24. E5. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT
Purpose of the scene is to reveal Cardinal Michelet has an allegiance with the vampires and the consequences for success or failure of the deal.
Goals: Improve set up, change setting, unique situation, elevated intensity.
39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT
The purpose of this scene is showing the vampires are on the rampage, striking at victims within Vatican much to Michelet’s knowledge & complacency.
Goals: introduce set up/punchline, introduce emotion & surprise
7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT (BEFORE)
Olivia sleeps peacefully. Merchant is does not, we get a glimpse of younger Merchant in a creepy abandoned church. At his feet the the body of a women, assaulted, bloody. Merchant awakens to the blue of the Mediterranean outside the jet’s window and a concerned Olivia.
7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT (AFTER)
The passengers sleep in darkened cabin somewhere over the Atlantic. Mid-Cabin, Olivia, sleeps peacefully. Her head on Merchant’s shoulder.
Merchant is a tussle of nerves. We see his dream. We’re in the plane. Lightning flashing. The plan is empty except for Merchant and Olivia. They gossip and giggle until Merchant’s face transforms from joy to terror at the sight of a figure . A man, menacing, proceeds down the aisle. The glint of a knife in his gloved hand.
Merchant freezes in fear. Olivia is screaming as the man snatches her out of her seat. She’s dragged down the aisle. We don’t hear her, as she screams, SIMON, over had over. Behind Merchant, they enter the restroom, door slammed shut.
Merchant has a grip on the armrest like he’s glued to them. His helplessness measured in beads of sweat. Somewhere his name, Simon, is being called loud enough to rouse him.
Merchant awakens. The cabin bathed in Mediterranean sunlight. From Merchant’s delirium, the tender face of Merchant’s mother emerges. Confuses rains down again as her face transforms to Olivia’s worried look.
He exhales his confusion and his relief. Olivia softly squeezes his hand.
24. E5. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT (BEFORE)
Cardinal Michelet feasts on bloody meat. His curtains blow open and he freezes on mid-bite. Before him stands Yofiel, leader of the vampires. He’s the same figure the boy from the parade saw earlier. Yofiel reminds Michelet that if he wants to be the next Pope, he needs to stop the trials and get O’Hara to come through with a vaccine that allows vampires to exist in the daylight. A must needed step for them to take over the world.
24. E5. INT. VATICAN KITCHEN – NIGHT (AFTER)
Industrial kitchen, stainless steel everywhere where. Pots and utensils hang from racks above. Cardinal Michelet is on the prowl for a snack, opening cupboards and refrigerators. Tossing out the makings of a sandwich on wood butcher block table.
His dourness magnified as he watches a cockroach scurry towards a drain. He stomps his foot missing it. From the drain more cockroaches emerge. Then more and more until thousands build up into a demonic form, seven feet tall. It is Yofiel, the same cloaked creature who frightening the boy in the parade.
Michelet eyes one of the big knives hanging on the wall then thinks the better of it. Yofiel, using his power, floats the knife off of the rack, holding it tight against Michelet’s throat. Yofiel’s tormented by the potential for fresh blood over delivering his message.
Michelet agrees to Yofiel’s terms: Deliver Merchant to him and stop the trials. If Successful he will be rewarded with the papacy. Failure and he’ll join the rest of the cockroaches for life.
Yofiel returns to tower of cockroaches collapsing down the drain. The knife falls from Michelet’s throat stabbing into the butcher block a sliver away from his hand. Unfazed, Michelet goes about making his sandwich.
39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT (BEFORE)
Two priests out for a stroll, there’s a rustling behind the hedges. Next thing they are on the run through the bushes chased by vampires and succumb to their attack.
39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT – (AFTER)
A young priest sits alone on a bench. His head swivels around at the slightest sound: twitch of branch, warble of a starling, crunch off of footstep on the gravel path. His shoulder’s relax at the sight of a seminarian innocently emerging from the shadows.
The two survey their surroundings, assured they are alone, they kiss, and crow at their brazenness. They’re not alone. They are being stalked by something beyond the hedge identified only by a snarl and hiss.
Panic drips across their faces. They retreat down the path into darkness.
Before they hug goodbye a vampire slices through he hedge. Its fangs dripping with salvia inches from them. The seminarian’s scream is silenced by the deep bit. Blood squires across the priest’s face.
The priest runs off, tripping, falling at the feet of a Cardinal Michelet, looking down with stern consternation. The young priest scream at the Cardinal to run. Before he can comprehend, the vampire is on the priest while Michelet turns his back and walks away.
-
What I learned dong this assignment is – a lot! there’s plenty of room to elevate the entertainment value of the scenes. My score distribution is a basically bell curve. Not many low, not many high, and plenty of mediocre. I’ve notice there are peaks and valleys between high score scenes and low score scenes which happen more frequently. My act two, no surprise, is fertile territory for low score scenes. There’s a flashback segment that must go and also a montage that’s not contributing. My my higher scores are more in Act one and Act three.
Scenes with low score also lack major character involvements and are either exposition or minor character situations.
Score / Distribution:
1 – 0%
2 – 0%
3 – 2.9%
4 – 11.6%
5 – 23.1%
6 – 24.6%
7 – 23.1%
8 -13%
9 – 1.5%
10 – 0%
Act One – Average – 6.3
Act Two Average 5.9
Act Three Average 6.1
High Score (8 or greater) Scene # 5, 16, 18, 25, 44, 54, 58, 60, 66, 69
Low Score Scene (5 or less) Scenes #2, 9, 11, 15,21,24,30,31,32,35,37,38,40,42, 43,46,47,50,51,55,62,64,65,67
ACT ONE
1. E7. EXT. HEBREW SLAVE CAMP – DAY
(PROLOGUE)
Hebrew slaves constructing a new tomb. A slave runs out of the tomb clutching his neck, there’s blood and a bite mark. A water boy screams out – Evil! The bitten slave is immediately cured by a Sage using ancient text read from a scroll. The commotion pulls a Roman Centurion, away from a crucifixion procession going on in the background.
2. E5. INT. THE TOMB – CONTINUOUS
The Centurion investigates. The construction unearthed an even older tomb. He’s attacked by a vampire bat which he fights off and impales on his spear.
3. E6. INT/EXT. THE TOMB ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS
Longinus takes the bat outside, it burst into flames frightening the slaves. The Sage compliments the Centurion, Longinus, for his bravery. Longinus pushes the Sage down and takes away his sacred scroll. Longinus returns to the procession.
(END PROLOGUE)
4. E7. EXT. VATICAN CITY – STREET – PRESENT DAY
Its Palm Sunday, a large procession of Christian Pilgrims parade down a narrow street celebrating the day. In the crowd a small boy. He sees , or think he sees, in the shadows of an alley, a creature , cloaked in black, pale face, glowing eyes. The boy, frozen by fear tries to get his mother’s attention, before he can say anything the creature dissipates down the sewer grate.
5. E8. INT. A CHILD’S ROOM – DAY
A emaciated child, a boy maybe ten sits on the floor of a sparse room. The back wall slides away revealing an old priest, Father Milszewki, dressed lab coat and face shield. Behind his back a teddy bear and a syringe filled with glowing vaccine. A feeble attempt by the priest to administer the shot, The boy transforms into a vicious vampire, the altercation nearly kills the priest, leaving him alive but severely wounded and the vampire boy unvaccinated.
6.E7. INT. GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY – VIROLOGY LABORATORY
Modern lab, diplomas and awards. The home to Father Simon Merchant, virologist and Jesuit Priest. His Assistant, young & alluring, Olivia Norcross, has a letter for him from the Vatican. There’s playful banter, unresolved feelings between these two is evident. The letter reveals Merchant is needed urgently in Vatican City. Merchant insist he go, a higher calling. Olivia, insists he stay. He has to prepare for Senate confirmation hearing for his nomination for NIH Director. Compromise made, Merchant will go and Olivia will too.
7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Olivia sleeps peacefully. Merchant is does not, we get a glimpse of younger Merchant in a creepy abandoned church. At his feet the the body of a women, assaulted, bloody. Merchant awakens to the blue of the Mediterranean outside the jet’s window and a concerned Olivia.
8. E7. INT/EXT – ROME STREET – TAXI – DAY
The taxi weaves in and out of unbearable Rome traffic. Inside the car, young and naive seminarian, Father Antolini, speaks and understands little English. Merchant and Olivia press Antolini as to why Merchant is needed by The Vatican. Antolini is of no help, only smile and “Si” given the language barrier.
9. E5. EXT. VATICAN CITY – GATE – DAY (FLAGGED)
The taxi enters Vatican City, a little security check, there’s a problem with Olivia being in the car. Olivia upset Merchant not standing up for her drops a threat she will look up her old college chum, Le Nguyen, tit for tat. Antolini will take a miffed Olivia to the hotel after he drops off Merchant.
10. E6. EXT. THE VATICAN – MUSEUM – DAY
Merchant’s perplexed, being dropped off at the Vatican Museum, not what the virologist expects. Olivia jealous, reference made to her expertise in cryptology. Outside the museum Merchant meets jovial , Father Collini, his escort for the trip. Collini assures Merchant many treasure and a few secrets are contained within the museum.
11. E4. INT. MUSEUM – DAY – LATER (FLAGGED)
Collini hustles Merchant quickly pass many treasured artworks, no time to enjoy them. They descending the spiral staircase down, down into darkness. Uneasiness and curiosity shown by Merchant
12.E7. INT. MUSEUM – VESTIBULE – CONTINUOUS
They reach the bottom of the dark staircase. Outside an elevator door Merchant reads the title carved into the stone wall: Institutum Pontificum Studiorum Occulti, translated: The Pontifical Institute of Occult Studies. Merchant is aghast. Collini, as if reading Merchants mind assures Merchant to be prepared as everything he thinks he knows is about to be unsettled. They enter the elevator. Doors closing behind them in swish.
13. E6. INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS (FLAGGED)
Heart to heart talk, Merchant and Collini . Merhcant is unsettled. Collini reminds Merchant he is a man of science. He’s understanding will come from the knowledge Collini is about to share with him. He’s reminded by Collini to have a little faith.
14.E6. INT. THE INSTITUTE – CONTINUOUS
The setting has changed. Now in the dark catacombs beneath the Vatican, ancient, carved centuries ago. Lighted by torches, shadows run long. A shadow approaches, a big man, the booming voice of Father O’Hara, echoes, welcoming the famous Father Merchant to The Vatican. Merchant is surprised to find the Nobel winning scientist, Father O’Hara, down here. Both men share admiration for one another along with mutual suspicion.
15.E5. INT. LIBRARY ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS
The trio arrives at massive carved doors. O’Hara pushed them open revealing an impressive library of books, scrolls, artifacts. Thousands of humanities secrets purloined by the church over the centuries. Merchant is more than impressed but O’Hara informs him this is not what he is here for. A push of a button and a book shelf slides away revealing…
16. E8. INT. THE LABORATORY – CONTINUOUS
A modern expensive laboratory. Cages contain lab animals, agitated and ferrel. O’Hara leads Merchant to a glass cell, O’Hara introduces Merchant to Tomislov, a young Russian, and a murderous vampire. Merchant is shocked. Vampires don’t exist but Father Collini assures him they do. Collini shares he exorcised his share of vampires as the evil spirit infects the soul. O’Hara chimes in he’s discovered vampires are caused by a virus, the N1PH virus. Collini adds the virus itself is diabolical, not the vampires themselves, they are sick according to O’Hara. Finally Merchant is told the reason he is here is to conduct a vaccine trial and cure this spiritual illness before it can mutate once again. Merchant interviews Tomislov and is sympathetic to his plight and agrees to participate.
17. E6. INT. ROME – MERCHANT’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Merchant is in turmoil, what he has been told and what he has seen does not make any sense yet, he can not deny its existence. Olivia tries to get get Merchant to spill the beans but won’t. Hurt by this lack of trust Olivia reaches out to her old college flame, living in Rome, Le Nguyen, a conniving former priest,. They go out together leaving Merchant to his own devices and a feeling Le Nguyen knows something about the trials.
18. E8. INT. THE LABORATORY – DAY
Merchant is back in the lab with O’Hara and Collini. It is time for the new vaccination trial. Poor Tomislov is wheeled in strapped to a gurney. Merchant draws the new vaccine, he hesitates giving it to Tomislov. Impatient O’Hara does it for him. They step back and wait. At first calmness then Tomislov erupts into a pain induced rage. His skin boils and then he burst into a torrent of gore. Tomislav’s disembodied evil spirit weaves in and out of the lab, escaping. O’Hara lies on the floor, injured and unconscious.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
19. E7. INT. ROME – HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Merchant and his hotel room are a disheveled mess. He flips through the Bible and his lab notes, neither give him solace. Collini is there, scaring Merchant by his unknown presence. Olivia storms in unhappy about Merchant’s condition. She threatens to take him home. Le Nguyễn enters, Merchant accuses him of knowing something about the lab. Olivia presses them about what’s going on. Merchant prepares her for the truth.
20. E6. INT. APOSTOLIC PALACE – MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
Collini and a sickly O’Hara are before the Curia of Cardinals led by Cardinal Michelet, an incredulous grilling of the priest and their secret laboratory is going on. Collini tries to pacify the Cardinals with a little history of vampires taken form his collection of old Hebrew scrolls. While Collini spins his fabled yarn, his V.O. is heard while we cut to vampire prison below the Vatican.
E5. MONTAGE SCENES:
Tomilov’s spirit winds through the prison, cells open, vampires claw and snap fangs at each other. They are hungry, in need of new blood.
The guards see on the security monitors the vampires are loose.
Back at the Curia, yawning Cardinals and sweaty O’Hara and passionate Collini, who goes on with his tale.
21. E5. INT. VAMPIRE PRISON
Before they can gain control at the vampires are on the guards, ripping their skin to shreds while feasting on fresh blood. Nourished and rejuvenated they stamped out of the prison, free to commit more violence.
22. E6. INT. APOSTOLIC PALACE – MEETING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
The Cardinals are unimpressed by Collini’s fables, one is even snoring. O’Hara takes over and presents the scientific side of the vampires story. It’s an illness they are fighting not monsters only leaving Collini and O’Hara to argue among themselves. The Curia has had enough, ruling the experiments may continue but only in the presence of Captain Ossing and his Swiss Guard.
23 E6. INT . CHURCH OF SAINT HILARY – NIGHT
Two carabinieri investigate a complaint of strange goings on inside the church. Upon investigation they discover a nun/vampire , feating on what’s left of an infant. The carabinieri open fire. The vampire pounces on them, ripping the jaw open on one and tossing the other up to ceiling cracking his head open before falling on the alter. The vampire steps of the carnage on her way out the door, muttering, Dona nobis pacem. (grant us peace)
24. E5. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT
Cardinal Michelet feasts on bloody meat. His curtains blow open and he freezes on mid-bite. Before him stands Yofiel, leader of the vampires. He’s the same figure the boy from the parade saw earlier. Yofiel reminds Michelet that if he wants to be the next Pope, he needs to stop the trials and get O’Hara to come through with a vaccine that allows vampires to exist in the daylight. A must needed step for them to take over the world.
25.E8. INT. LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant is back at the lab, panicked. Outside the door the howls of vampires is heard somewhere among the catacombs. Young Father Antolini barges in, alarmed and scared to death. The young vampire boy who Father Milszewski tried to vaccinate is loose, crashing through the bookshelf wall. O’Hara and Collini, join from the other bookshelf entrance. In a fight with the vampire boy, Merchant is jabbed by the boy with his own vaccine needle. O’Hara is bitten by the boy. Collini holds the boy at bay with his exorcism skills unto Milzsewski shows up driving a stake in the boys heart. Captain Ossing the Swiss Guard enter, torching the boy with flame thrower. Milzsewski tells the guard to place O’Hara in the glass cell for observation.
26. E7. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Merchant in and out of consciousness, moaning, sweaty. Olivia insist he goes to a hospital except Father Collini and Milszewski convince her a hospital have no idea how to treat someone jabbed with a vampire vaccine. Olivia agrees. Milzsewski reviews Merchant’s notes and sees he was onto something, the virus transmission, spear like bards, are entirely different than traditional virus transmission mechanisms. Merchant moans again, his injection wound on a crucified Christ, an angry welt.
27. E7. INT/EXT. A COTTAGE – DAY (FLAGGED)
Merchant awakens, in a strange rustic cottage, he’s in bed and perfectly fine. Outside blazing sunlight. From his window we see he’s on a great barren plain. The cottage door swings open, a Spanish looking man, wearing a tunic not seen for ages. To Merchant’s bewilderment, this individual looks just like Ignatius Loyola. The visitor introduces himself as such, and invites Merchant to join him on a walk.
28.E7. EXT. THE GREAT PLAIN – DAY – LATER (FLAGGED)
Loyola assures Merchant he is not the first Jesuit to come to the precipice between belief and doubt. In front of them a deep fissure bottoming out at a river, thousands of feet down.
Loyola keeps walking, out onto thin air, noting between his sandaled feet but the deep fissure bottom. Merchant is far too terrified to follow Loyola off of the firm ground on which he stands. Loyola challenges him, badgering Merchant to trust him. Persuaded by guilt, or faith, Merchant steps off onto the air. Merchant tales hold of his robe, until Loyola says, Whoops. They fall through the air, zooming to the river below. They plunge into the water, through the water into…
29. E6. INT. A DARK EMPTY VOID
…Loyola and Merchant tumble through a vacuum of space. Loyola laughing his head off and Merchant screaming in terror. They fall and fall then land suddenly in Young Merchant’s college dorm room.
30.E4. INT. COLLEGE DORM
Merchant comments he remembers this night, Loyola reminds him he hopes so as it was life changing. The two watch, silent, invisible witnesses to Young Merchant as he calls his mother on his cell phone, no answer. Discerning as the hour is very late.
They watch , silent witnesses as concerned, Young Merchant taps his cell phone. In a second he has his mother’s cell phone location pinging on the GPS map grid. He snatches his jacket off the back of the chair and is out the door.
31. E5. EXT. ABANDONED CHURCH – NIGHT
A women, 40’s hustles past the old church past cigar smoking Loyola and helpless Merchant. The hour is late. She carries grocery bags. A man, hooded, nefarious, follows her. The man attacks. Grocery bags spill. In the struggle, she looses a shoe. She is dragged off into the abandoned church.
32. E4. EXT. STREET – LATER
Young Merchant rounds the corner. His attention focused on the cell phone.
Young Merchant is calling out, “Mom”. He finds the spilled groceries and the single shoe.
The church looms ahead. Young Merchant runs in.
33. E7. INT. A DARK VOID
Loyola puffs away at his cigar as if watching a film. The man begins his sexual assault. Merchant begs Loyola to stop this replay of the worst night of his life. But it plays on in the void. Merchant darts about the church calling out. His attention drawn to drag marks left in the floor dust. He follows the marks into the confessional. We see a women’s foot extended out beyond the door frame. Loyola joins witness Merchant admiring the disturbing tableau. Loyola asks Merchant if there was ever a time he questioned God’s existence would this not be it?
34. E6. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Silent witnesses Loyola and Merchant watch as Young Merchant comforts his mother while she dies. Her last wish she forgive this man and Merchant make the best of his life that he can. The hospital room vanishes as Loyola summersaults away into a black void leaving Merchant floating in dead space.
35. E5. INT. DARK VOID (FLAGGED)
An Angel appears, she is Shimushel, she presents a covenant from the Master, It is the God of Light that makes the spirit, Father Merchant. It is the God of Darkness that traps the spirit in the flesh. Evil is the flesh, goodness is the spirit. Make your choice – now.
36. E7. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Merchant awakens in a mental fog. The room is a shambles. Father Collini’s knocked out. Merchant rouses him, he tells Merchant that “they” have taken Olivia. Merchant finds in his hand a small folded up note from Olivia, its meaning yet undefined.
END ACT TWO
37. E3. EXT. FOUNTAIN – NIGHT (FLAGGED & OMTTED)
Lovers making out until vampires take over the necking.
38.E3. EXT. COLOSSEUM – NIGHT (FLAGGED & OMITTED)
Vampires on the loose feasting on a couple of vandals.
39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT
Two priests out for a stroll, there’s a rustling behind the hedges. Next thing they are on the run through the bushes chased by vampires and succumb to their attack.
ACT THREE
40.E4. INT. CATACOMBS – NIGHT
Cardinal Michelet is hustling Olivia along. She got a bad feeling despite his assurances all is well. Olivia tries to break free, there is a tussle. Olivia knees Michelet right in groin. He goes down and Olivia runs off.
41. E7. INT. THE LABORATORY – NIGHT
Back in the lab, O’Hara stands in his glass cell observed by Father Milzseski, stunned that O’Hara has not become a vampire despite his neck bite. O’Hara convinces Milzsewski to let him out. Milzsewski obliges only to have O’Hara use his vampire powers to release all the lab animals who then attack Milzsewski like a school of piranhas.
42. E4. INT. CATACOMBS – LABYRINTH – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Oliva’s on the run, Michelet gaining on her. She runs through a door only to enter a labyrinth, there is one way in and one way out. Michelet bides his time seeing Olivia has no way to escape. Olivia screams for Merchant, but there is no one down here to help her. Michelet chides Olivia about the purpose of a Labyrinth, when one reaches the end, there is salvation. Olivia reaches the end, recaptured by Cardinal Michelet and lead away.
43. E5. INT. CATACOMBS – YOFIEL’S TEMPLE – NIGHT
Olivia is strung up between the pillars of the old pagan temple. The vampires surround her in an agitated state. He has fresh blood, a virgin atheist is almost too much for them. Yofiel calms them down, reminding them she is the trap for their enemy – Father Merchant.
44.E8. INT. O’HARA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Inside O’Hara’s apartment, a small laboratory. O’Hara is working like mad on a vaccine of his own. Cardinal Michelet interrupts, checking on the projects status. O’Hara gives a short demonstration on a vampire. Success! His vaccine allows vampires to exist in the sunlight, as promised. Michelet turns the table, kicking O’Hara on to the balcony. The sunlight sizzles him into flame. Michelet tells the cured vampire to go to Yofiel and tell him the vaccine is on its way.
45.E6. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Collini doubts Merchant’s tale was real, chalking it up to hallucination properties of the vaccine. Merchant quotes what the Angel had told him. A remarkable coincidence, as one of Collins’s secret scrolls list the same quote. Merchant explores this scroll more deeply and come to a conclusion as to who the original vampire might be. Collini thinks the vaccine has made him mad. Merchant needs the Spear of Destiny to carry out his plan. Collini notes It’s a leap of faith that it even exists.
46. E5. EXT. THE VATICAN STREETS – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Collini and Merchant race through the street and alleyways of the Vatican on their way to see Captain Ossing. Along the path Merchant defends his position and Collini taking the opposing views. They are attacked by vampires and Captain Ossing (looking for me?) saves them.
47. E5. INT. OSSING’S OFFICE
Le Nuygen is there. Volunteering his skills to the cause. Merchant, Ossing and Collini argue over the insane idea taking the Spear of Destiny. They only way to find out is to get permission for the Pope. Le will meet up with Cardinal Michelet and they will got see the Pope.
48. E6. INT. VATICAN MUSEUM – NIGHT
Le Nguyễn and Cardinal Michelet are at odds over disturbing his Holiness at this hour over such an outrageous request. Nguyen lets on he thinks he knows about what Michelet is up to, triggering Michelet to attack Nguyen in the hall or armory leading to a bloody battle of medieval weapons. Nguyen comes out on-top, Michelet killed.
49. E6. INT. THE LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant is showing Collini how the N1PH virus contains spears used to pierce the membrane of the cells it attacks, highly effective and highly unusual. Merchant is making his case that somehow the Spear of Destiny is linked to the original vampire. Nguyen enters, bloodied, with bad news, they are not going to get the spear and Michelet is a dead and a trader.
50.E4. INT. OSSING’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Collini, Merchant and Nyguyen are all back at Assign’s office having a heated debate as to next steps. Merchant is passionate about saving Olivia and Ossing accuses him of mixed priorities. Captain Ossing’s answers his phone, a short conversation, then he arrests Merchant and Nguyen for the death of Cardinal Michelet. It’s too bad, because Ossing is pretty sure the spear is in the vault. Collini expresses his concern over vampires on the loose, Ossing assures him his men have the situation under control.
51.E5. INT. VATICAN PRISON – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Merchant and Le Nguyen have a heart to heart talk about their mutual feelings for Olivia solidifying there is a competition going on for her heart. Father Collini breaks the men free and seeks penance for his sin.
52. E7. INT. THE VATICAN – VAULT CHAMBERS – NIGHT
Nguyen holds a dagger to the throat of the guard. Merchant and Collini follow them into a series of chambers finally ending at one that appears to nothing but a pool of inky black water. The guard literally walks on water (a walkway beneath his feet). Using a tuning fork, he dabs the water. The pool drains rapidly revealing a security vault at the bottom of the steps.
53.E6. INT. VAULT – CONTINUOUS
The guards assists Merchant in locating the lock box containing the spear. Indeed there is a spear head in a wooden box engraved “INRI” They leave the vault space quickly as it refills with water. In a dash of humor the guard has Merchant sign for the item.
54. E8. INT. THE GATE
The fraternity of men reach the gate of the vault chambers and turn right into a smoldering, crispy, Father O’Hara. O’Hara quickly kills off the guard sucks his blood rejuvenating his appearance and strengths. Father Collini takes action kicking his old friend Father O’Hara into the chamber pool. As soon O’Hara hits the holy water he melts away in a cloud steam and fire. The effect of the pools holy water on the vampire gives Le Nguyen an idea for a weapon.
55. E5. INT. LAB – NIGHT – LATER
Merchant is busy taking a DNA sample off the Spear of Destiny and concocting a new vaccine.
56. E6. INT. TEMPLE OF THE VAMPIRES – ALTAR – DAY
The vampires are in a frenzy. The time has come. Yofiel calls out the boy who O’Hara had cured for the sunlight exposure. He demonstrates using a sun ray the vampire boy will not get burned. Yofiel will use the blood of Olivia to inoculate the other vampires who feast on her after his gives her a shot. They will be free to roam and feed, day or night.
57.E7. INT. TEMPLE OF VAMPIRES – CONTINUOUS Merchant, Collini, and Nguyen arrive ready to do battle. Besides silver spears and crosses, they wear back pack holy water tanks outfitted with spray hoses. The battle ensues. The good guys making progresses until Yofiel is at Olivia’s side, ready to sacrifice her. Merchant stops him by calling him by his human name, Longinus the Centurion, causing Yofiel to stumble and the battle to pause. Merchant and Collini quickly try to exorcise Yofiel, while Nguyen goes on battles the vampires, he’s losing, nearly overtaken when Captain Ossing and his men show up to help.
58. E9.Nguyen makes his way to Olivia, Merchant & Yofiel. In the battle to free Olivia one of the pillars holding her crashes down on Nguyen killing him, not before telling Olivia that he loves her.
59. E7. Merchant is able to administer the new vaccine into Yofiel. He transforms from vampire to original being , a roman centurion, Longinus. However the other vampires to not follow his transformation. Collini surmises he must not be the one they seek.
60. E8. Another vampire overtakes Collini and stabs him with the vaccine meant for Olivia. Like Tomislov, Collini skin turns to boils, he convulses, then burts into a torrent of gore. Merchant speaks in tongues quoting in ancient language a command for unclean spirits to obey him.
The ground cracks open, brilliant white light rays pierce the temple. A figure within the light, translucent, but visible. It is a vampire by appearance, one crowned with thorns. He floats nearer to them. His hands and feet pierced from nail wounds. No one can believe it.
61.E7. The aberration settles in front of Merchant. His eyes beg for salvation. Merchant removes the Longinus Spear head from his pocket. Forcing his thumb nail into the ridge the spear head opens. An intricate hiding place for a carefully folded up parchment.
Merchant unfolds it. It is of the same size as the hole that was cut from Collini’s sacred scroll. The aberration recoils but does not look away. He offers the wafer to the aberrations mouth, who closes his eyes, takes and eats it. He then falls to his knees.
The other vampires become peaceful. Then transform back into their original human forms.
62. E5. The aberration light rises up, breaking through the temple ceiling into the square above them.
63. E7. EXT. SAINT PETER’S SQUARE – EASTER SUNDAY – DAWN
The square is jammed shoulder to shoulder with the faithful awaiting the Pope’s Easter blessing. The bricks begin to rumble beneath their feet. An Orb of Devine Light rises from the darkness of the chasm. Inside the orb, people see what they believe to be the familiar, yet translucent appearance of Christ the Savior. As the light passes over any one disabled or inflicted, they are healed.
64. E5. EXT. THE POPE’S BALCONY – CONTINUOUS
The Orb makes one stop at the Pope balcony, The Pope cowers at at the unspoken message delivered then zooms off into the heavens with a crack of thunder.
65. E5. INT. PEGAN TEMPLE – DAY
Yofiel/Longinus thanks Merchant for never have loosing faith in him. Longinus recounts the events of the crucifixion. Longinus wanted to save him. He had the scroll he saw the Sage use to save the slave. Being of bad eye sight he was not able to place a piece of the scroll in Jesus’s mouth, instead stabbing him ending his days on earth. Merchant completes the fable noting that the exact time Longinus infected him his soul went to heaven, only his body remained becoming the a vampire while locked in the tomb for three days. What rose that Sunday was a transference of evil, covered over by tales of a resurrection.
66. E8. EXT. SAINT PETER’S BASILICA – DAY
Merchant and Olivia stand at the top of the great basilica’s dome. They argue over if they should tell their tale or not. Merchant convinces her they never be believed, probably stones. It is best the masses go on believing what they have for centuries. Then they kiss.
67. E4. INT. SENATE HEARING ROOM – DAY
The Senate Subcommittee is assembled to question Father Simon Merchant for his nomination to the position of Director of National Institute of Health, except he is not there. His witness chair is empty.
68. E6. EXT. POTOMAC RIVER – DAWN
Merchant out on the Potomac rowing frantically, almost like he’s trying to out row something or someone chasing him. He frightened. He crashed his shell into the bridge pillar. Falling back he watches the skies part, sun shines then calmness overtakes him.
69. E8. INT. GEORGETOWN – VIROLOGY LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant back at the lab. Like we seen before. Olivia enters. She’s got a tray of snacks. Looking down Merchant’s microscope we see cells come into focus. Reverse view, the eyeball of Merchant. Then, the N1PH virus appears, attacking the cells like we seen before. The cell glass turns red with blood and carnage. Merchant’s eye flares in terror, followed by the unmistakable scream of Father Simon Merchant.
END ACT THREE
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What I learned doing this assignment is not be afraid to try many scenes to introduce the main character using the techniques provided. I’ve written multiple intro’s but not using a specific format, which now helps scene structure and impact.
Character Introduction Scene – Father Simon Merchant – Protagonist
Existing Scene Beats:
INT. GEORGETOWN VIROLOGY LAB – NIGHT
We see microorganisms magnified 1000x scurry about under a glass slide in a electron microscope.
Reverse view: up the microscope lens, an eyeball, blood shot, darts about studying, evaluating the cells below.
Wide view of a virology lab. Modern, cluttered. From a speaker hidden is the stacks of folders, heavy metal music blasts .
This is FATHER SIMON MERCHANT, physically fit, 30’s, his profile that of a handsome man. He wears the cossack of a Jesuit Priest under his lab coat. He’s still as a statue, hunched over the microscope.
This is his lab and his life.
The lab door swings open. The shadow of a young women carrying a tray falls across the laboratory walls. She moves towards the man. Sets down the tray and kills the music.
Without looking up from the microscope Father Merchant chastises the women, OLIVIA NORCROSS, 20’s for disturbing his peace.
END INTRO SCENE BEATS
NEW MAIN CHARACTER INTRO SCENE BEATS
EXT. GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY STREETS – NIGHT
A man, physically fit, handsome, 30’s, runs through the streets. His Georgetown University tee-shirt soaked with sweat.
Off in the distance a church bell RINGS out.
With each DONG of the bell the man runs faster, another DONG, even faster. He looks over his shoulder as if being chased. Whatever it is he can’t out run it. DONG. He cuts the corner, Prospect Street NW entering the…
…The Exorcist Steps. He takes them two by two. The climb killing his momentum. The man’s lungs burning, deeps gasps for air now. He reaches the top landing and collapses on his back. Physically spent.
A cat emerges from the shadows. It licks the man’s face and purrs. The man pets the animal softly. A smirk of gratitude across his face.
INT. SHOWER STALL – LATER
Lots of steam. The water must be as hot as the man can stand it. A small silver cross around his neck channels the water down his chest.
INT. LABORATORY – LATER
A young women, OLIVIA NORCROSS, 20’s, academically alluring, sits among the clutter of microscopes, stacks of folders. She holds in her hand an envelope sealed with a heavy wax seal. Close in on seal: It’s from the Vatican.
While she drums her nails on the stainless steel counter she peruses the diplomas along the wall. All awarded to SIMON MERCHANT:
-Bachelors in Theology, Loyola University.
-Masters in Philosophy, Harvard University.
-A crucifix, fresh palm branch tucked behind it.
-PhD in Microbiology, Case Western Reserve University.
-Doctor of Virology & Bacteriology, Georgetown University.
The running man enters the lab. Dressed in a lab coat and the Cossack of a Jesuit Priest. He wears ear buds, and is into the beat. We hear what he listening to – heavy metal music.
Olivia addresses him as SIMON. Then again more forcibly as: FATHER SIMON MERCHANT. He can’t hear her. He’s not paying attention until he’s startled at the sight of Olivia.
Merchant sees the letter and inquires: “If that’s a purloined letter, Olivia, the truth will not set one free.
Olivia slides the letter over to Merchant, bats an eyelash, and waits.
END CHARACTER INTO SCENE
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Ed’s Character Story Beats.
What I learned doing this lesson is how educational this exercise is to my overall story. By breaking out each main’s character story reveals many gaps, and opportunities to improve character and overall story and emotional beats. I’ve discovered a lot of work is needed as a result – let’s celebrate!
START: LESSON 5 – ELEVATE CHARACTER’S STORIES
1. Character Name: Father Simon Merchant – PROTAGONIST
Role: Jesuit Priest and expert virologist
Core Character Traits:
High Intelligence /Scientific Acumen
Guilt ridden
Compassionate
Physically Fit
Character Subtext LogLine: Merchant is an intelligent person seeking to do what is right yet is conflicted over what is required of him by God and his peers.
Character Arc: Merchant finds his faith and scientific intellect challenged beyond comprehension until he realizes combining them is the way to salvation.
Secret: He’s conflicted about his vow of Chasity and his feelings towards Olivia.
Mission/Agenda: Merchant will redeem himself over his mother’s death by saving his friends and the world from the vampire illness.
Wants?Needs?: Understand his purpose in life. Need, to sincerely believe. Want, cure the vampires, Need, protect Olivia, the only other women in his life.
What makes this character unique? He’s a paradox, a conflict of doubt and faith, rationalism and spirituality, conflict over guilt, forgiving himself, while being forgiven. He has trepidations yet a strong resolve.
BEGINNING – Father Merchant learns from Father O’Hara and Father Collini The Vatican studies vampires and what causes them is a virus, per O’Hara or exorcism, per Collini.
MIDDLE – Merchant figures out using Father Collins’s ancient scrolls and Olivia’s note, to cure the vampire requires a vaccine created from DNA taken from the Spear of Destiny, if it even exists.
END – Merchant , saves Olivia from vampires, exorcises the vampire virus from diabolical Jesus, ending the vampire pandemic and accepts his love for Olivia.
MERCHANT’S STORY BEATS:
ACT ONE
Merchant is summoned to the Vatican under mysterious circumstances. Olivia, his assistant won’t allow him. Merchant feels guilty because he has Senate hearing coming up for Director NIH nomination. Merchant decides to go because of a higher calling.
Merchant is confuse why Olivia is hurt she is not allowed in the Vatican and why Merchant didn’t stand up for her more.
Merchant, in a secret Vatican lab, meets Father O’Hara, lead scientist, Father Collini, an exorcist, and Tomislov, a vampire. Merchant learns he was brought to the Vatican to perform vaccine trials to cure the virus that causes vampirism.
Merchant tries to work but fights with Norcross, revealing suppressed feelings and desires he has for her.
Merchant’s first trial goes horribly wrong, destroying Tomislav, injuring O’Hara and setting free the vampire virus.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Merchant’s shaken, made worse by the appearance of Olivia’s old flam Le Nguyen. Merchant pacifies Olivia telling her what is going on.
Merchant goes back to the lab, he’s attacked by a vampire, O’Hara and Collini help fight off. In the struggle Merchant is stabbed by his own trial vaccine syringe.
In a coma, Merchant hallucinates, or divinely, meets Loyola Ignatius, who convinces Merchant using a test of faith, and visit to his trouble past, witness his mother’s assault, he must over come his doubts and believe in good over evil.
Merchant awakens, Collini is knocked out , his apartment ransacked. Merchant learns from Collini Olivia has been taken by the vampires . Merchant finds in his hand a strange note from Olivia.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Merchant shares with Collini what he was told in his coma dream, quoting verbatim some ancient text. Merchant learns Collini has ancient scrolls that contain the same text Merchant was told by Loyola. Merchant hatches a plan to get the Spear of Destiny.
Merchant pleads with Swiss Guard to allow him access to Spear of Destiny which Swiss Guard denies exists. Merchant negotiates a plan for Cardinal Michelet to ask the pope for it.
Merchant back in lab showing Collini how the vampire vaccine works. Le Nguyen enters, all bloodied, Merchant learns from Le Cardinal Michelet not only dead but a vampire sympathizer.
Merchant and Le Nguyen is placed in jail for the murder of Cardinal Michelet. Merchant learns from Le how Olivia truly feels about him. They are freed by Collini.
Merchant finds the Spear of Destiny. While doing so battle O’Hara, in his vampire state killing him.
Merchant back in lab using DNA off the Spear to concoct a vaccine of science and faith to be used on Yofiel the leader of vampires.
Merchant and the vampires square off with Yofiel and the vampire nest in the Vatican catacombs
Merchant uses his new vaccine to transforms Yofiel into his human form -that of Longinus the Roman Centurion.
Merchant summons the spirit of Jesus, then uses an ancient exorcism learned from Collini to remove the evil spirit in Christ’s body setting free the body to join the soul in heaven.
Merchant does not show up for his Senate hearing for NIH Director nomination
Merchant on Potomac river, rowing like a madman trying to escape something we can not see.
Merchant is back in Georgetown only to once again see the vampire virus in his microscope as it devours the cells under the slide.
END ACT THREE
Improvement to make:
The relationship between Merchant and Olivia needs elevation. Their first scene needs show us more about the complex relationship for a better payoff in the climax. Emotions must run higher. Merchant will express his trait of guilt for his compassion misunderstood as patronizing by Olivia.
2. Character: Father Gerald O’Hara – ANTAGONIST
Role: Head of Vatican’s Institute for Occult Studies.
Core Character Traits:
Shrewd, Politically Motivated
Skeptical when it comes to the occults
Arrogant (always right)
Can’t be trusted (Devious)
Character Subtext LogLine: Father O’Hara convinces others occult phenomena can be scientifically proven, while he secretly manipulates the diabolical for his own rise to power.
Secret: He’s in cahoots with the vampires trying to find a vaccine allowing them to exist in sunlight.
What makes this character unique? His a priest with a strong inclination toward villainy.
Want & Needs: Want to discover scientific solution to vampires. Needs to believe science is the ultimate solution to life’s problems. Want to live up to his reputation, Need to be justly recognized.
His World View, science is the answer, use the church as a smoke screen to power.
BEGINNING – Father O’Hara meets Father Merchant, they distrust each other immediately. O’Hara reveals reveals Merchant is invited to the Vatican because the Pope needs him, over O’Hara, to cure the vampire virus, bruising his ego and making an enemy.
MIDDLE – O’Hara is double crossed by Cardinal Michelet in a power play for his allegiance with the vampires.
END – Father O’Hara, transformed as a vampire, is killed by his old friend father Collini, who kicks O’Hara into a pool of holy water, dissolving him.
FIRST ACT
O’Hara meets Merchant outside the institute. Strings Merchant along until shocking him with the existence of Tomilav, the vampire.
O’Hara reveals to Merchant the reason he is here is to run vaccine trials for a vampire vaccine. O’Hara takes pride in upsetting the world famous Merchant.
O’Hara argues with his friend Collini over the origin of the virus. O’Hara needs to demonstrate his knowledge it great than anyone else’s.
O’Hara allows Merchant to administer the vaccine. Which he is pleased is a total failure, except he is injured in the test, being exposed to the virus himself.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
O’Hara joins Collini in front of an incredulous curia of Cardinals regarding the failed test. The Cardinal’s accusations only fuels his contempt for Vatican politics.
While helping Merchant fight off an escaped vampire, the vampire makes statements exposing O’Hara has a possible accomplice, raising Merchant’s suspicions.
O’Hara is bitten by the vampire. Collini has him placed in the observation cell. O’Hara’s fate unknown.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
O’Hara, locked in his cell, is visited by Father Milszewski. O’Hara convinces Milszewski to let him out. Freed, O’Hara, now as a vampire, unleashes the laboratory animals on Milszeski, who rip him to shreds.
O’Hara is in his apartment, in his vampire state working furiously at a small lab. Cardinal Michelet pays him a visit. We learn, O’Hara is tasked by the Cardinal to create a vaccine to allow vampire’s to exist in sunlight.
O’Hara demonstrates on a young vampire for Michelet the vaccine does work. Michelet shoves the unvaccinated O’Hara out onto a balcony where he burst not flames and falls over the railing.
O’Hara shows up, charred and smoldering, to stop Merchant from stealing the Spear of Destiny. O’Hara’s kicked into a pool of holy water by Collini. O’Hara expires.
END ACT THREE
Improvements to make – O’Hara is not measuring up to his traits. He’s not coming across as shrewd and politically motivated enough in his scenes to give us an idea of his other motivations.
O’Hara and Merchant need more conflict between the two.
There’s a question as to who is truly the antagonist. O’Hara?, Yofiel or the vampires themselves. This is a general story question that needs answering.
3. Character Name: Father Paolo Collini – SUPPORTING CHARACTER FOR PROTAGONIST
Role: Priest specializing is the occult and exorcist
Character Subtext Logline: Father Collini seeks to serve mankind by defeating evil through his devote faith and scholarly wisdom.
Core Character Traits:
A true erudite
Good natured
Strong loyalty
A paternal nature
Doddering
Stickler for rules
Character Subtext Longline: Father Collini is naive when it comes to the of the machinations of the Vatican but resolute when caring for his friends and encountering challenges to his faith.
Life Metaphor: Soccer is not just a game, it’s a solution to the world’s problems.
Needs & Want, defeat vampirism, wants to protect the church and his friends. Need defeat evil, wants, to validate faith. Needs, find compromise, wants a peaceful world.
What makes this character unique? Father Collini, a fatherly figure, rapid soccer van is a bad ass exorcist and loyal friend.
Secret: His own stash of ancient scrolls referencing the occult and debunking myths.
BEGINING – Father Collini welcomes Father Merchant to the Vatican and introduces Merchant to the Institute for Occult Studies, where he is the expert in exorcisms and ancient vampire fables.
MIDDLE – Collini, lacks faith in Merchant’s idea of using the Spear of Destiny , however, agrees to go along with him. Collini kills his old friend, O’Hara, an act of sympathy, freeing him of the vampire possessing him.
END – Collini is stabbed by a vaccine meant for a vampire killing him in a gory bodily explosion.
ACT ONE
Collini welcomes Father Merchant to the Vatican. The two take a liking to one another. He upsets Olivia, sending her back to the hotel.
Collini escorts Merchant down to the Institute of Occults Studies introducing Merchant to Father O’Hara and the vampire called Tomislav.
Collini assist Merchant in the first vaccine trial, witnessing the horrible results and the injury of his friend O’Hara.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Collini tries to calm Merchant down over the tragic events at the trial.
Collini tries to pacify the curia of Cardinals, out for political points, with tales of the vampires and their role in the history of the Church. None of which appease the Cardinals or help his cause.
Collini and O’Hara help Merchant fight off a vampire, witnessing his friend Merchant stabbed by a vaccine and O’Hara infected by a vampire virus.
Collini insist, over Olivia’s objections, that Merchant stay in his apartment while he nurses Merchant back from the effects of the accidental vaccination.
Collini shows Olivia secret ancient scrolls who’s text raises, Olivia, the cryptologist, curiosity.
When Merchant awakens he finds Collini knocked out. Collini is revived by Merchant. He informs Merchant that Olivia has been taken away.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Collini listens to Merchant’s telling of what he experienced under the affects of the vaccine. Collini determines must be hallucinatory properties until Merchant recites a text matching what in on one of his scrolls.
Collini shares with Merchant what he showed Olivia, sparking Merchant into an idea of where they may find the source of the vampire virus. One Collini finds to be madness.
Collini agrees to go with Merchant to save Olivia and find the Spear of Destiny, if to actually exists.
Collini encounters his old friend O’Hara is a terrible state of vampire and burned up. He kicks O’Hara into a pool of holy water putting and end to his suffering.
Collini is killed by a vampire trying to save Merchant and Olivia
END ACT THREE
Some improvements to make. Collini needs to be a stronger character between Merchant – a father figure to him, and jealous rival to Olivia, who sees Collini competing or Merchant’s attention.
Need to play up more his close relationship to O’Hara so that when he mercy kills O’Hara they is more of an emotional reaction to his actions.
Collini’s the most lovable character so that trait needs to be played up as much a possible in every scene.
4. Character Name: Olivia Norcross – CONNECTING CHARACTER
Role: Father Merchant’s Graduate Assistant and temptress
Core Character Traits:
Attraction to forbidden fruits (strong men)
Demureness
Assertive
Stubborn
An Egalitarian
Clever
Character Subtext Longline: Olivia studies under Merchant not for the benefit of his acumen but for his allure.
Secret: Oliva is torn between her feeling for Le Nguyen, former college BF, available but complications (she aborted his baby), and Simon Merchant, unavailable yet perfect for her.
Something she does not want to admit: She seeks self-sufficiency yet wants a man in her life who provides a level of security she won’t deny is gratifying.
Needs/Wants – Needs to play a bigger role in Merchant’s life. Wants him to leave the church for her.
BEGINING – Olivia tries to lure/convince Merchant from going to the Vatican because his upcoming senate hearings for the director of NIH is more important . She’s hurt Merchant choose the higher calling over her.
MIDDLE Olivia is taken hostage by Cardinal Michelet for the vampire’s sacrifice on Easter Sunday.
END – Olivia is kissed passionately by Father Merchant on top of Saint Peters Basilica on Easter morning.
ACT ONE
Olivia tries to convince Merchant his senate confirmation hearing is more important than a letter form there Vatican requesting his immediate presence there.
Olivia is concerned overt Merchant’s restless sleep on the plane to Rome. He’s a troubled man she’s wants to fix.
Olivia is pissed off she won’t be allowed to enter the Vatican with Merchant, claiming it typical male dominated world BS she’s tired of. She hatches her own revenge plot, meeting up with old college flame Le Nguyen.
Olivia shocked when Merchant returns from the Vatican, a confused mess of a man. She insist they return to Georgetown immediately but is overruled by Collini.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Olivia is joined by Le Nguyen at the hotel, a act of revenge by Olivia, irritating Merchant even more. Olivia goes out with Le, as an act of rebellion.
Olivia is distraught when Merchant is brought back to the hotel by Collini and Father Milszewski, after being stabbed by his own vampire vaccine. She insist he go to hospital, but again is overruled only adding to her worry and anger.
Olivia is taken away by Cardinal Michelet.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Olivia is lead through the catacombs by Michelet. She realizes Michelet can’t be trusted. She knees Michelet in the nuts and runs off.
Olivia finds herself in a labyrinth with no way out. Michelet is at one end and Yofiel, the vampire at the other. She taken away screaming for Merchant to help her.
Olivia tied up between pillars in the ruins of an ancient pagan temple used by the vampires. She terrified that she’s going to be sacrificed and the vampires are frothing over the news.
Olivia is rescued by Merchant. She assist Merchant in an exorcism that frees Yofiel of the vampire virus. She’s shocked he transforms back to a Roman Centurion.
Olivia is kissed by Father Merchant at the top of Saint Peter’s Basilica.
Back in Georgetown Olivia is terrified to see Merchant has again discovered the vampire virus under his microscope.
Overall Olivia’s role needs elevation. She’s not yet meeting the temptress role she’s designated for. She’s the link between vampires (evil) and Merchant (good) requires more emphasis on how she uses Collins’s scrolls in providing the missing link.
Olivia needs more presence in Act Two to elevate her rescue by Merchant and death of Le Nguyen in Act Three.
Her overall role in the relationship between Le Nguyen, Merchant and Collini all needs elevation and emotional content on what these relationships mean to her.
5. Character Name: Yofiel – SUPPORTING CHARACTER FOR ANTAGONIST
Role: The leader of the vampires
Core Traits:
Evilness
Cunning
Political /Strategic
Adaptable
Intimidating
Character Subtext Logline: Immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Secret: He inhabits the body once belonging to a roman centurion.
Worldview: Use whatever means available to destroy the church and all god’s creation.
Flaw: underestimating humans.
What makes this character unique: He has a secret longing to be free of his infliction
BEGINNING – Yofiel makes an appearance in the shadows of a Vatican City ally during Palm Sunday terrifying a young boy who happens to get a glimpse of him.
MIDDLE – Yofiel visits Cardinal Michelet reminding him of he fails in his attempt to stop Merchant and does not deliver the vaccine allowing vampires to exist in sunlight that Michelet will not become Pope and will join Yofiel in hell.
END -Yoffiel is cursed by Merchant of vampirism using ancient exorcism. He transforms bak to Roman Centurion Longinus and then raises into heaven.
ACT ONE
Yofiel terrifies a young boy who spots him in a Vatican alley on Palm Sunday.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Yofiel visits Cardinal Michelet delivering his threat on the Cardinal he won’t be Pope and will be die a horrible death if Michelet does not deliver on their deal.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Yofiel pumps up the vampires with the news Olivia is here for a sacrifice and he has the vaccine that will allow them to exist in the sunlight.
Yofiel takes custody of Olivia from Michelet.
Yofiel battles Merchant and looses.
Yofiel is transformed back into the Roman Centurion Longinus by Merchant’s exorcism and ascends into heaven.
END ACT THREE
Improvement Notes – Oh Yofiel, what to do with him. One thing about my story is confirming who the chief antagonist is. Yofiel could be a candidate but better off as support the true antagonist – O’Hara, as O’Hara interacts more with Merchant and exhibits more human qualities and conflicts.
I’ll work Yofiel into more scenes where there are vampire attacks, given his role as leader. He needs to be more “likable” to make his surprise transformation more emotional moment.
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Ed Lusk – Character Profiles:
What I learned doing this assignment is characters are ever evolving. Even with preassigned traits another more dominate trait may emerge. I find traits are good for creating dialogue and actions. If only I can keep them in mind!
LOGLINE:
A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he finds his faith and science challenged by a diabolical virus causing vampirism, which if he does not cure will destroy the world.
1. Character Name: Father Simon Merchant
Role: Jesuit Priest and expert virologist
Core Character Traits:
High Intelligence /Scientific Acumen
Guilt ridden
Messiah Complex (corrected)
Physically Fit
Character Subtext LogLine: Merchant is an intelligent person seeking to do what is right yet is conflicted over what is required of him by God and his peers.
Character Arc: Merchant finds his faith and scientific intellect challenged beyond comprehension until he realizes combining them is the way to salvation.
Secret: He’s conflicted about his vow of Chasity and his feelings towards Olivia.
Mission/Agenda: Merchant will redeem himself over his mother’s death by saving his friends and the world from the vampire illness.
Wants?Needs?: Understand his purpose in life. Need, to sincerely believe. Want, cure the vampires, Need, protect Olivia, the only other women in his life.
What makes this character unique? He’s a paradox, a conflict of doubt and faith, rationalism and spirituality, conflict over guilt, forgiving himself, while being forgiven. He has trepidations yet a strong resolve.
Elevation Correction:
He doesn’t have a “Messiah Complex”, per se, he’s more genuinely concerned about the well being and safety of others, not for his own gratification. I’m changing and going to use the trait of ” Compassionate”
2. Character: Father Gerald O’Hara
Role: Head of Vatican’s Institute for Occult Studies.
Core Character Traits:
Shrewd, Politically Motivated
Skeptical when it comes to the occult
Arrogant (always right)
Can’t be trusted (Devious)
**Added trait after consideration- pettiness
Character Subtext LogLine: Father O’Hara convinces others occult phenomena can be scientifically proven, while he secretly manipulates the diabolical for his own rise to power.
Secret: He’s in cahoots with the vampires trying to find a vaccine allowing them to exist in sunlight.
What makes this character unique? His a priest with a strong inclination toward villainy.
Want & Needs: Want to discover scientific solution to vampires. Needs to believe science is the ultimate solution to life’s problems. Want to live up to his reputation, Need to be justly recognized.
His World View, science is the answer, use the church as a smoke screen to power.
**Elevation trait addition, I find at the core of O’Hara is he’s insecure over not getting the recognition he feels he deserves. He’s lashing out, conspiring against the church for this snub. Let’s call it “Pettiness”
3. Character Name: Father Paolo Collini
Role: Priest specializing is the occult and exorcist
Character Subtext Logline: Father Collini seeks to serve mankind by defeating evil through his devote faith and scholarly wisdom.
Core Character Traits:
A true erudite
Good natured
Strong loyalty
A paternal nature
Doddering
Stickler for rules
Character Subtext Longline: Father Collini is naive when it comes to the of the machinations of the Vatican but resolute when caring for his friends and encountering challenges to his faith.
Life Metaphor: Soccer is not just a game, it’s a solution to the world’s problems.
Needs & Want, defeat vampirism, wants to protect the church and his friends. Need defeat evil, wants, to validate faith. Needs, find compromise, wants a peaceful world.
What makes this character unique? Father Collini, a fatherly figure, rapid soccer van is a bad ass exorcist and loyal friend.
Secret: His own stash of ancient scrolls referencing the occult and debunking myths.
4. Character Name: Olivia Norcross
Role: Father Merchant’s Graduate Assistant and temptress
Core Character Traits:
Attraction to forbidden fruits (strong men)
Demureness
Assertive
Stubborn
An Egalitarian
Cleverness
Character Subtext Longline: Olivia studies under Merchant not for the benefit of his acumen but for his allure.
Secret: Oliva is torn between her feeling for Le Nguyen, former college BF, available but complications (she aborted his baby), and Simon Merchant, unavailable yet perfect for her.
Something she does not want to admit: She seeks self-sufficiency yet wants a man in her life who provides a level of security she won’t deny is gratifying.
Needs/Wants – Needs to play a bigger role in Merchant’s life. Wants him to leave the church for her.
**Elevation correction to Olivia – Olivia in the end is a hero. Her cleverness is what enables Merchant to save them from the vampires. We call that -what makes her unique!
5. Character Name: Yofiel
Role: The leader of the vampires
Core Traits:
Evilness
Cunning
Political /Strategic
Adaptable
Intimidating
Character Subtext Logline: Immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Secret: He inhabits the body once belonging to a roman centurion.
Worldview: Use whatever means available to destroy the church and all god’s creation.
Flaw: underestimating humans.
What makes this character unique: He has a secret longing to be free of his infliction
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Ed Lusk.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is this process can be used in a variety of ways: to elevate an existing scene without changing the story line. Rewriting the scene with new situation which elevate and alter the following scenes , narrowing in on character actions, or omitting or combining scenes. It more efficient and focused to work with the outline than sorting through the entire screenplay.
Subject: Ed Lusk, Story Beats:
LOGLINE: A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he discovers his faith and his trust in science threatened by a diabolical virus causing vampirism which he must cure for before it takes over the human race.
ACT ONE
EXT. HEBREW SLAVE CAMP – DAY
PROLOGUE
Hebrew slaves constructing a new tomb. A slave runs out of the tomb clutching his neck, there’s blood and a bite mark. A water boy screams out – Evil! The bitten slave is immediately cured by a Sage using ancient text read from a scroll. The commotion pulls a Roman Centurion, away from a crucifixion procession going on in the background.
2. INT. THE TOMB – CONTINUOUS
The Centurion investigates. The construction unearthed an even older tomb. He’s attacked by a vampire bat which he fights off and kills with his spear.
3. INT/EXT. THE TOMB ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS
Longinus takes the bat outside, it burst into flames frightening the slaves. The Sage compliments the Centurion, Longinus, for his bravery. Longinus pushes the Sage down and takes away his sacred scroll. Longinus returns to the procession.
4. EXT. VATICAN CITY – STREET – PRESENT DAY
Its Palm Sunday, a large procession of Christian Pilgrims parade down a narrow street celebrating the day. In the crowd a small boy. He sees , or think he sees, in the shadows of an alley, a creature , cloaked in black, pale face, glowing eyes. The boy, frozen by fear tries to get his mother’s attention, before he can say anything the creature dissipates down the sewer grate.
5. INT. A CHILD’S ROOM – DAY
A emaciated child, a boy maybe ten sits on the floor of a sparse room. The back wall slides away revealing an old priest, Father Milszewki, dressed lab coat and face shield. Behind his back a teddy bear and a syringe filled with glowing vaccine. A feeble attempt by the priest to administer the shot, The boy transforms into a vicious vampire, the altercation nearly kills the priest, leaving him alive but severely wounded and the vampire boy unvaccinated.
6. INT. GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY – VIROLOGY LABORATORY
Modern lab, diplomas and awards. The home to Father Simon Merchant, virologist and Jesuit Priest. His Assistant, young & alluring, Olivia Norcross, has a letter for him from the Vatican. There’s playful banter, unresolved feelings between these two is evident. The letter reveals Merchant is needed urgently in Vatican City. Merchant insist he go, a higher calling. Olivia, insists he stay. He has to prepare for Senate confirmation hearing for his nomination for NIH Director. Compromise made, Merchant will go and Olivia will too.
7. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Olivia sleeps peacefully. Merchant is does not, we get a glimpse of younger Merchant in a creepy abandoned church. At his feet the the body of a women, assaulted, bloody. Merchant awakens to the blue of the Mediterranean outside the jet’s window and a concerned Olivia.
8. INT/EXT – ROME STREET – TAXI – DAY
The taxi weaves in and out of unbearable Rome traffic. Inside the car, young and naive seminarian, Father Antolini, speaks and understands little English. Merchant and Olivia press Antolini as to why Merchant is needed by The Vatican. Antolini is of no help, only smile and “Si” given the language barrier.
9. EXT. VATICAN CITY – GATE – DAY (FLAGGED)
The taxi enters Vatican City, a little security check, there’s a problem with Olivia being in the car. Olivia upset Merchant not standing up for her drops a threat she will look up her old college chum, Le Nguyen, tit for tat. Antolini will take a miffed Olivia to the hotel after he drops off Merchant.
10. EXT. THE VATICAN – MUSEUM – DAY
Merchant’s perplexed, being dropped off at the Vatican Museum, not what the virologist expects. Olivia jealous, reference made to her expertise in cryptology. Outside the museum Merchant meets jovial , Father Collini, his escort for the trip. Collini assures Merchant many treasure and a few secrets are contained within the museum.
11. INT. MUSEUM – DAY – LATER (FLAGGED)
Collini hustles Merchant quickly pass many treasured artworks, no time to enjoy them. They descending the spiral staircase down, down into darkness. Uneasiness and curiosity shown by Merchant
12. INT. MUSEUM – VESTIBULE – CONTINUOUS
They reach the bottom of the dark staircase. Outside an elevator door Merchant reads the title carved into the stone wall: Institutum Pontificum Studiorum Occulti, translated: The Pontifical Institute of Occult Studies. Merchant is aghast. Collini, as if reading Merchants mind assures Merchant to be prepared as everything he thinks he knows is about to be unsettled. They enter the elevator. Doors closing behind them in swish.
13. INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Heart to heart talk, Merchant and Collini . Merhcant is unsettled. Collini reminds Merchant he is a man of science. He’s understanding will come from the knowledge Collini is about to share with him. He’s reminded by Collini to have a little faith.
14. INT. THE INSTITUTE – CONTINUOUS
The setting has changed. Now in the dark catacombs beneath the Vatican, ancient, carved centuries ago. Lighted by torches, shadows run long. A shadow approaches, a big man, the booming voice of Father O’Hara, echoes, welcoming the famous Father Merchant to The Vatican. Merchant is surprised to find the Nobel winning scientist, Father O’Hara, down here. Both men share admiration for one another along with mutual suspicion.
15. INT. LIBRARY ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS
The trio arrives at massive carved doors. O’Hara pushed them open revealing an impressive library of books, scrolls, artifacts. Thousands of humanities secrets purloined by the church over the centuries. Merchant is more than impressed but O’Hara informs him this is not what he is here for. A push of a button and a book shelf slides away revealing…
16. INT. THE LABORATORY – CONTINUOUS
A modern expensive laboratory. Cages contain lab animals, agitated and ferrel. O’Hara leads Merchant to a glass cell, O’Hara introduces Merchant to Tomislov, a young Russian, and a murderous vampire. Merchant is shocked. Vampires don’t exist but Father Collini assures him they do. Collini shares he exorcised his share of vampires as the evil spirit infects the soul. O’Hara chimes in he’s discovered vampires are caused by a virus, the N1PH virus. Collini adds the virus itself is diabolical, not the vampires themselves, they are sick according to O’Hara. Finally Merchant is told the reason he is here is to conduct a vaccine trial and cure this spiritual illness before it can mutate once again. Merchant interviews Tomislov and is sympathetic to his plight and agrees to participate.
17. INT. ROME – MERCHANT’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Merchant is in turmoil, what he has been told and what he has seen does not make any sense yet, he can not deny its existence. Olivia tries to get get Merchant to spill the beans but won’t. Hurt by this lack of trust Olivia reaches out to her old college flame, living in Rome, Le Nguyen, a conniving former priest,. They go out together leaving Merchant to his own devices and a feeling Le Nguyen knows something about the trials.
18. INT. THE LABORATORY – DAY
Merchant is back in the lab with O’Hara and Collini. It is time for the new vaccination trial. Poor Tomislov is wheeled in strapped to a gurney. Merchant draws the new vaccine, he hesitates giving it to Tomislov. Impatient O’Hara does it for him. They step back and wait. At first calmness then Tomislov erupts into a pain induced rage. His skin boils and then he burst into a torrent of gore. Tomislav’s disembodied evil spirit weaves in and out of the lab, escaping. O’Hara lies on the floor, injured and unconscious.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
19. INT. ROME – HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Merchant and his hotel room are a disheveled mess. He flips through the Bible and his lab notes, neither give him solace. Collini is there, scaring Merchant by his unknown presence. Olivia storms in unhappy about Merchant’s condition. She threatens to take him home. Le Nguyễn enters, Merchant accuses him of knowing something about the lab. Olivia presses them about what’s going on. Merchant prepares her for the truth.
20. INT. APOSTOLIC PALACE – MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
Collini and a sickly O’Hara are before the Curia of Cardinals led by Cardinal Michelet, an incredulous grilling of the priest and their secret laboratory is going on. Collini tries to pacify the Cardinals with a little history of vampires taken form his collection of old Hebrew scrolls. While Collini spins his fabled yarn, his V.O. is heard while we cut to vampire prison below the Vatican.
MONTAGE SCENES:
Tomilov’s spirit winds through the prison, cells open, vampires claw and snap fangs at each other. They are hungry, in need of new blood.
The guards see on the security monitors the vampires are loose.
Back at the Curia, yawning Cardinals and sweaty O’Hara and passionate Collini, who goes on with his tale.
21. INT. VAMPIRE PRISON
Before they can gain control at the vampires are on the guards, ripping their skin to shreds while feasting on fresh blood. Nourished and rejuvenated they stamped out of the prison, free to commit more violence.
22. INT. APOSTOLIC PALACE – MEETING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
The Cardinals are unimpressed by Collins’s fables, one is even snoring. O’Hara takes over and presents the scientific side of the vampires story. It’s an illness they are fighting not monsters only leaving Collini and O’Hara to argue among themselves. The Curia has had enough, ruling the experiments may continue but only in the presence of Captain Ossing and his Swiss Guard.
23 INT . – CHURCH OF SAINT HILARY – NIGHT
Two carabinieri investigate a complaint of strange goings on inside the church. Upon investigation they discover a nun/vampire , feating on what’s left of an infant. The carabinieri open fire. The vampire pounces on them, ripping the jaw open on one and tossing the other up to ceiling cracking his head open before falling on the alter. The vampire steps of the carnage on her way out the door, muttering, Dona nobis pacem. (grant us peace)
24. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT
Cardinal Michelet feasts on bloody meat. His curtains blow open and he freezes on mid-bite. Before him stands Yofiel, leader of the vampires. He’s the same figure the boy from the parade saw earlier. Yofiel reminds Michelet that if he wants to be the next Pope, he needs to stop the trials and get O’Hara to come through with a vaccine that allows vampires to exist in the daylight. A must needed step for them to take over the world.
25. INT. LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant is back at the lab, panicked. Outside the door the howls of vampires is heard somewhere among the catacombs. Young Father Antolini barges in, alarmed and scared to death. The young vampire boy who Father Milszewski tried to vaccinate is loose, crashing through the bookshelf wall. O’Hara and Collini, join from the other bookshelf entrance. In a fight with the vampire boy, Merchant is jabbed by the boy with his own vaccine needle. O’Hara is bitten by the boy. Collini holds the boy at bay with his exorcism skills unto Milzsewski shows up driving a stake in the boys heart. Captain Ossing the Swiss Guard enter, torching the boy with flame thrower. Milzsewski tells the guard to place O’Hara in the glass cell for observation.
26. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Merchant in and out of consciousness, moaning, sweaty. Olivia insist he goes to a hospital except Father Collini and Milszewski convince her a hospital have no idea how to treat someone jabbed with a vampire vaccine. Olivia agrees. Milzsewski reviews Merchant’s notes and sees he was onto something, the virus transmission, spear like bards, are entirely different than traditional virus transmission mechanisms. Merchant moans again, his injection wound on a crucified Christ, an angry welt.
27. INT/EXT. A COTTAGE – DAY (FLAGGED)
Merchant awakens, in a strange rustic cottage, he’s in bed and perfectly fine. Outside blazing sunlight. From his window we see he’s on a great barren plain. The cottage door swings open, a Spanish looking man, wearing a tunic not seen for ages. To Merchant’s bewilderment, this individual looks just like Ignatius Loyola. The visitor introduces himself as such, and invites Merchant to join him on a walk.
28. EXT. THE GREAT PLAIN – DAY – LATER
Loyola assures Merchant he is not the first Jesuit to come to the precipice between belief and doubt. In front of them a deep fissure bottoming out at a river, thousands of feet down.
Loyola keeps walking, out onto thin air, noting between his sandaled feet but the deep fissure bottom. Merchant is far too terrified to follow Loyola off of the firm ground on which he stands. Loyola challenges him, badgering Merchant to trust him. Persuaded by guilt, or faith, Merchant steps off onto the air. Merchant tales hold of his robe, until Loyola says, Whoops. They fall through the air, zooming to the river below. They plunge into the water, through the water into…
29. INT. A DARK EMPTY VOID
…Loyola and Merchant tumble through a vacuum of space. Loyola laughing his head off and Merchant screaming in terror. They fall and fall then land suddenly in Young Merchant’s college dorm room.
30. INT. COLLEGE DORM
Merchant comments he remembers this night, Loyola reminds him he hopes so as it was life changing. The two watch, silent, invisible witnesses to Young Merchant as he calls his mother on his cell phone, no answer. Discerning as the hour is very late.
They watch , silent witnesses as concerned, Young Merchant taps his cell phone. In a second he has his mother’s cell phone location pinging on the GPS map grid. He snatches his jacket off the back of the chair and is out the door.
31. EXT. ABANDONED CHURCH – NIGHT
A women, 40’s hustles past the old church past cigar smoking Loyola and helpless Merchant. The hour is late. She carries grocery bags. A man, hooded, nefarious, follows her. The man attacks. Grocery bags spill. In the struggle, she looses a shoe. She is dragged off into the abandoned church.
32. EXT. STREET – LATER
Young Merchant rounds the corner. His attention focused on the cell phone.
Young Merchant is calling out, “Mom”. He finds the spilled groceries and the single shoe.
The church looms ahead. Young Merchant runs in.
33. INT. A DARK VOID
Loyola puffs away at his cigar as if watching a film. The man begins his sexual assault. Merchant begs Loyola to stop this replay of the worst night of his life. But it plays on in the void. Merchant darts about the church calling out. His attention drawn to drag marks left in the floor dust. He follows the marks into the confessional. We see a women’s foot extended out beyond the door frame. Loyola joins witness Merchant admiring the disturbing tableau. Loyola asks Merchant if there was ever a time he questioned God’s existence would this not be it?
34. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Silent witnesses Loyola and Merchant watch as Young Merchant comforts his mother while she dies. Her last wish she forgive this man and Merchant make the best of his life that he can. The hospital room vanishes as Loyola summersaults away into a black void leaving Merchant floating in dead space.
35. INT. DARK VOID
An Angel appears, she is Shimushel, she presents a covenant from The Master, It is the God of Light that makes the spirit, Father Merchant. It is the God of Darkness that traps the spirit in the flesh. Evil is the flesh, goodness is the spirit. Make your choice – now.
36. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Merchant awakens in a mental fog. The room is a shambles. Father Collini’s knocked out. Merchant rouses him, he tells Merchant that “they” have taken Olivia. Merchant finds in his hand a small folded up note from Olivia, its meaning undefined.
END ACT TWO
37.EXT. FOUNTAIN – NIGHT (FLAGGED & OMTTED)
Lovers making out until vampires take over the necking.
38. EXT. COLOSSEUM – NIGHT (FLAGGED & OMITTED)
Vampires on the loose feasting on a couple of vandals.
39. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT
Two priests out for a stroll, there’s a rustling behind the hedges. Next thing they are on the run through the bushes chased by vampires and succumb to their attack.
ACT THREE
40. INT. CATACOMBS – NIGHT
Cardinal Michelet is hustling Olivia along. She got a bad feeling despite his assurances all is well. Olivia tries to break free, there is a tussle. Olivia knees Michelet right in groin. He goes down and Olivia runs off.
41. INT. THE LABORATORY – NIGHT
Back in the lab, O’Hara stands in his glass cell observed by Father Milzseski, stunned that O’Hara has not become a vampire despite his neck bite. O’Hara convinces Milzsewski to let him out. Milzsewski obliges only to have O’Hara use his vampire powers to release all the lab animals who then attack Milzsewski like a school of piranhas.
42. INT. CATACOMBS – LABYRINTH – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Oliva’s on the run, Michelet gaining on her. She runs through a door only to enter a labyrinth, there is one way in and one way out. Michelet bides his time seeing Olivia has no way to escape. Olivia screams for Merchant, but there is no one down here to help her. Michelet chides Olivia about the purpose of a Labyrinth, when one reaches the end, there is salvation. Olivia reaches the end, recaptured by Cardinal Michelet and lead away.
43. INT. CATACOMBS – YOFIEL’S TEMPLE – NIGHT
Olivia is strung up between the pillars of the old pagan temple. The vampires surround her in an agitated state. He has fresh blood, a virgin atheist is almost too much for them. Yofiel calms them down, reminding them she is the trap for their enemy – Father Merchant.
44. INT. O’HARA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Inside O’Hara’s apartment, a small laboratory. O’Hara is working like mad on a vaccine of his own. Cardinal Michelet interrupts, checking on the projects status. O’Hara gives a short demonstration on a vampire. Success! His vaccine allows vampires to exist in the sunlight, as promised. Michelet turns the table, kicking O’Hara on to the balcony. The sunlight sizzles him into flame. Michelet tells the cured vampire to go to Yofiel and tell him the vaccine is on its way.
45. INT. COLLINI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Collini doubts Merchant’s tale was real, chalking it up to hallucination properties of the vaccine. Merchant quotes what the Angel had told him. A remarkable coincidence, as one of Collins’s secret scrolls list the same quote. Merchant explores this scroll more deeply and come to a conclusion as to who the original vampire might be. Collini thinks the vaccine has made him mad. Merchant needs the Spear of Destiny to carry out his plan. Collini notes It’s a leap of faith that it even exists.
46. EXT. THE VATICAN STREETS – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Collini and Merchant race through the street and alleyways of the Vatican on their way to see Captain Ossing. Along the path Merchant defends his position and Collini taking the opposing views. They are attacked by vampires and Captain Ossing (looking for me?) saves them.
47. INT. OSSING’S OFFICE
Le Nuygen is there. Volunteering his skills to the cause. Merchant, Ossing and Collini argue over the insane idea taking the Spear of Destiny. They only way to find out is to get permission for the Pope. Le will meet up with Cardinal Michelet and they will got see the Pope.
48. INT. VATICAN MUSEUM – NIGHT
Le Nguyễn and Cardinal Michelet are at odds over disturbing his Holiness at this hour over such an outrageous request. Nguyen lets on he thinks he knows about what Michelet is up to, triggering Michelet to attack Nguyen in the hall or armory leading to a bloody battle of medieval weapons. Nguyen comes out ontop, Michelet killed.
49. INT. THE LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant is showing Collini how the N1PH virus contains spears used to pierce the membrane of the cells it attacks, highly effective and highly unusual. Merchant is making his case that somehow the Spear of Destiny is linked to the original vampire. Nguyen enters, bloodied, with bad news, they are not going to get the spear and Michelet is a dead and a trader.
50. INT. OSSING’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Collini, Merchant and Nyguyen are all back at Assign’s office having a heated debate as to next steps. Merchant is passionate about saving Olivia and Ossing accuses him of mixed priorities. Captain Ossing’s answers his phone, a short conversation, then he arrests Merchant and Nguyen for the death of Cardinal Michelet. It’s too bad, because Ossing is pretty sure the spear is in the vault. Collini expresses his concern over vampires on the loose, Ossing assures him his men have the situation under control.
51. INT. VATICAN PRISON – NIGHT
Merchant and Le Nguyen have a heart to heart talk about their mutual feelings for Olivia solidifying there is a competition going on for her heart. Father Collini breaks the men free and seeks penance for his sin.
52. INT. THE VATICAN – VAULT CHAMBERS – NIGHT
Nguyen holds a dagger to the throat of the guard. Merchant and Collini follow them into a series of chambers finally ending at one that appears to nothing but a pool of inky black water. The guard literally walks on water (a walkway beneath his feet). Using a tuning fork, he dabs the water. The pool drains rapidly revealing a security vault at the bottom of the steps.
53. INT. VAULT – CONTINUOUS
The guards assists Merchant in locating the lock box containing the spear. Indeed there is a spear head in a wooden box engraved “INRI” They leave the vault space quickly as it refills with water. In a dash of humor the guard has Merchant sign for the item.
54. INT. THE GATE
The fraternity of men reach the gate of the vault chambers and turn right into a smoldering, crispy, Father O’Hara. O’Hara quickly kills off the guard sucks his blood rejuvenating his appearance and strengths. Father Collini takes action kicking his old friend Father O’Hara into the chamber pool. As soon O’Hara hits the holy water he melts away in a cloud steam and fire. The effect of the pools holy water on the vampire gives Le Nguyen an idea for a weapon.
55. INT. LAB – NIGHT – LATER
Merchant is busy taking a DNA sample off the Spear of Destiny and concocting a new vaccine.
56. INT. TEMPLE OF THE VAMPIRES – DAY
The vampires are in a frenzy. The time has come. Yofiel calls out the boy who O’Hara had cured for the sunlight exposure. He demonstrates using a sun ray the vampire boy will not get burned. Yofiel will use the blood of Olivia to inoculate the other vampires who feast on her after his gives her a shot. They will be free to roam and feed, day or night.
57. Merchant, Collini, and Nguyen arrive ready to do battle. Besides silver spears and crosses, they wear back pack holy water tanks outfitted with spray hoses. The battle ensues. The good guys making progresses until Yofiel is at Olivia’s side, ready to sacrifice her. Merchant stops him by calling him by his human name, Longinus the Centurion, causing Yofiel to stumble and the battle to pause. Merchant and Collini quickly try to exorcise Yofiel, while Nguyen goes on battles the vampires, he’s losing, nearly overtaken when Captain Ossing and his men show up to help.
Nguyen makes his way to Olivia, Merchant & Yofiel. In the battle to free Olivia one of the pillars holding her crashes down on Nguyen killing him, not before telling Olivia that he loves her.
Merchant is able to administer the new vaccine into Yofiel. He transforms from vampire to original being , a roman centurion, Longinus. However the other vampires to not follow his transformation. Collini surmises he must not be the one they seek.
Another vampire overtakes Collini and stabs him with the vaccine meant for Olivia. Like Tomislov, Collini skin turns to boils, he convulses, then burts into a torrent of gore. Merchant speaks in tongues quoting in ancient language a command for unclean spirits to obey him.
The ground cracks open, brilliant white light rays pierce the temple. A figure within the light, translucent, but visible. It is a vampire by appearance, one crowned with thorns. He floats nearer to them. His hands and feet pierced from nail wounds. No one can believe it.
The aberration settles in front of Merchant. His eyes beg for salvation. Merchant removes the Longinus Spear head from his pocket. Forcing his thumb nail into the ridge the spear head opens. An intricate hiding place for a carefully folded up parchment.
Merchant unfolds it. It is of the same size as the hole that was cut from Collini’s sacred scroll. The aberration recoils but does not look away. He offers the wafer to the aberrations mouth, who closes his eyes, takes and eats it. He then falls to his knees.
The other vampires become peaceful. Then transform back into their original human forms.
The aberration light rises up, breaking through the temple ceiling into the square above them.
58. EXT. SAINT PETER’S SQUARE – EASTER SUNDAY – DAWN
The square is jammed shoulder to shoulder with the faithful awaiting the Pope’s Easter blessing. The bricks begin to rumble beneath their feet. An Orb of Devine Light rises from the darkness of the chasm. Inside the orb, people see what they believe to be the familiar, yet translucent appearance of Christ the Savior. As the light passes over any one disabled or inflicted, they are healed.
59. EXT. THE POPE’S BALCONY – CONTINUOUS
The Orb makes one stop at the Pope balcony, The Pope cowers at at the unspoken message delivered then zooms off into the heavens with a crack of thunder.
60. INT. PEGAN TEMPLE – DAY
Yofiel/Longinus thanks Merchant for never have loosing faith in him. Longinis recounts the events of the crucifixion. Longinus wanted to save him. He had the scroll he saw the Sage use to save the slave. Being of bad eye sight he was not able to place a piece of the scroll in Jesus’s mouth, instead stabbing him ending his days on earth. Merchant completes the fable noting that the exact time Longinus infected him his soul went to heaven, only his boy remained becoming the a vampire while locked in the tomb for three days. What rose that Sunday was a transference of evil, covered over by tails of a resurrection.
61. EXT. SAINT PETER’S BASILICA – DAY
Merchant and Olivia stand at the top of the great basilica’s dome. They argue over if they should tell their tale or not. Merchant convinces her they never be believed, probably stones. It is best the masses go on believing what they have for centuries. Then they kiss.
62. INT. SENATE HEARING ROOM – DAY
The Senate Subcommittee is assembled to question Father Simon Merchant for his nomination to the position of Director of National Institute of Health, except he is not there. His witness chair is empty.
63. EXT. POTOMAC RIVER – DAWN
Merchant out on the Potomac rowing frantically, almost like he’s trying to out row something or someone chasing him. He frightened. He crashed his shell into the bridge pillar. Falling back he watches the skies part and calmness overtakes him.
64. INT. GEORGETOWN – VIROLOGY LABORATORY – NIGHT
Merchant back at the lab. Like we seen before. Olivia enters. She’s got a tray of snacks. Looking down the microscope we see cells come into focus. Above us, the other end of the microscope, the eye of Merchant. Then, the N1PH virus appears, attacking the cells like we seen before. The cell glass turns red with blood and carnage followed by the unmistakable scream of Father Simon Merchant.
END ACT THREE
REWRITE OF FLAGGED SCENES:
9. EXT. VATICAN CITY – GATE – DAY (FLAGGED)
The taxi zooms through the streets. A bat, out of no where, strikes the window. The driver temporarily looses control nearly crashing. Olivia comments that’s a bad omen. Merchant assures her that the worst of it. At the gate an agreement about allowing Olivia in. Antolini diplomatically arranges he’ll take her back to hotel. Olivia miffed Merchant did not stick up for her. Merchant doesn’t know what to make of her reaction.
11. INT. MUSEUM – DAY – LATER (FLAGGED)
Collini hustles Merchant quickly pass many treasured artworks, no time to enjoy them. Merchant stops at a painting of Longinus stabbing the crucified Christ. Merchant comments, Longinus was nearly blind. Collini, irritated, comments there’s a wonderful statue of Saint Longinus, Merchant can see when he’s done with his “work.” A point Merchant presses he know what the work is. They descending the spiral staircase down, down into darkness. ( I will this set later to payoff regarding the statue of Saint Linginus, in a new scene where Merchant seeks the Spear of Destiny)
27. INT/EXT. A COTTAGE – DAY (FLAGGED)
Merchant awakens, in a strange rustic cottage, calling out for Olivia. Confusion as to how he got here. Merchant smells something, then, panicked stricken, there’s a man sitting opposite him in the cottage. A Spanish looking man, wearing a tunic not seen for ages. To Merchant’s bewilderment, this individual looks just like Ignatius Loyola. The visitor introduces himself as such, and invites Merchant to join him on a walk.
42. INT. CATACOMBS – LABYRINTH – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Olivia stumbles her way through the Labyrinth. She makes a turn, Merchant is there! She runs to hug him, except he dissolves away. Nothing but an illusion. She runs on. There stands Michelet. He’s real and annoyed. He reminds her a Labyrinth is designed for the traveler to reach salvation. She runs on reaching the end. There stands a tall, cloaked figure, yellow eyes, Yofiel awaits her.
46. EXT. THE VATICAN STREETS – NIGHT (FLAGGED)
Merchant and Collini have reached the rooftops above the streets. Collini slips on the tiles, Merchant catches him before he falls. A vampire awaits them. It attacks. Collini and Merchant run, Collini has an idea, he stops behind a stone cross. The vampire will not approach. Merchant sees an escape, the two slide down roof angles, falling onto the streets below unharmed. The vampire right behind them. Captain Ossing kills the vampire, (looking for me?)
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how just working with the basic structure keeps me focused on what matters. Completing the beats ensures the backbone of the story is there. In my case, working with an adaptation of another’s work, places some parameters on how creative I can be as I obligated to staying as close to original text as possible. However, beyond this this circumstance, the sky is the limit as how creative I can be in easily changing a story’s narrative.
Subject: Ed Lusk, Basic Structure Version 1
LOGLINE:
A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he discovers his faith and his trust in science threatened by a diabolical virus causing vampirism which he must cure for before it takes over the human race.
MAIN CONFLICT:
A Jesuit Priest battles vampires in the Vatican.
OPENING:
A emaciated young boy sits in the center of a sparse bedroom. The rear wall slides away revealing a glass panel. Behind it stands, Father Milszewski, in a laboratory. He holds behind his back a teddy bear and a syringe. Milszweski enters the cell. The teddy bear offering goers badly. The boy swipes it away with talon like claws. He transforms into a vampire and attacks. Before the priest can administered the shot he’s badly wounded, escaping the boy with a gnarly gash down the side of his face and a trial vaccine never tested.
INCITING INCIDENT:
Father Merchant, in his Georgetown laboratory. His assistant, Olivia, delivers to him a strange letter from the Vatican. It requests he immediately report to the Vatican for reasons only given as, “a matter of dire consequence.”
BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:
The Vatican has a secret lab where they have been studying vampires for centuries. They know vampires are caused by the N1PH virus, whether the virus is diabolical or scientific is hotly debated. The latest vaccine trial leaves the chief researcher, Father Milzewski badly injured. The decision by the Pope is made to recruit Father Simon Merchant, Jesuit Priest, to lead the vaccine trials and stop the decease before it is too late.
FIRST TURNING POINT END OF ACT ONE:
Merchant’s virus vaccine trial goes horribly wrong killing the vampire patient triggering the release of the diabolical spirit infecting other specimens. During the revolt Merchant is accidentally injected by his own vaccine placing him in delusional comma.
MIDPOINT:
Merchant awakens from his comma only to find Olivia has been taken by the vampires leader – Yofiel. In Merchant’s hand a mysterious note left by Olivia. Father Collini’s shows Merchant his secret ancient scrolls which help Merchant decipher Olivia’s note clue.
SECOND TURNING POINT END OF ACT TWO:
Father Merchant launches his plan to cure the virus which requires him to find inside the Vatican the Spear of Destiny, its actual existence in question, while evading the vampires and Vatican Swiss Guard. He must do it quickly as Olivia life is on the line.
CRISIS:
Father Merchant is unjustly arrested and imprisoned for the murder of Cardinal Michelet while Olivia is in the hands of the vampires who are planning to sacrifice her on Easter Sunday starting the vampire pandemic.
CLIMAX:
Merchant has a showdown with Yofiel, the leader of the vampires, in the remains ancient pagan temple deep under the Vatican. Olivia, because she is a virgin and an atheist, is the perfect sacrifice for infecting the other vampires with the vaccine that allows them to exist among the daylight. Her life just minutes away from being ended. Merchant is assisted by Father Collini, and his exorcisms skills , in fighting off the vampires. Collini is killed in the battle. Merchant is able to inject Yofiel with the vaccine he concocted from the DNA found on the Spear of Destiny, thereby transforming Yofiel back to his human state, that of, Longinus, the Roman Centurion who stabbed Jesus.
RESOLUTION:
Merchant and Olivia, enjoy the Easter Sunrise on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica. Olivia believes they should try to convince the faithful about the true origins of the vampires and the virus. Father Merchant disagrees as no one would ever believe their story and it is best they go one believing as they always have. They share a kiss. Back in the Georgetown lab, Merchant peers down his microscope only to be terrified at the sight of the N1PH virus devouring the test cells turning the slide blood red.
SEPARATED OUT:
CRISIS (NEW)
Escaped from Vatican prison, Merchant goes to the underground ruins of the pagan temple expecting to find and save Olivia and kill the vampires, except the place is not the vampire’s nest. It’s vacant. Time is running out and Merchant is at a loss as what to do , or where to go next. Merchant takes a gamble to find Olivia and the Vampires. He going with faith over science, It Holy Saturday, Jesus laid in a tomb, it is a tomb not a temple where he will find Yofiel, Olivia and the vampires.
CLIMAX (NEW)
Merchant confronts Yofiel as he expected hiding in the tomb of the dead, aka Saint Peter’s Tomb. Merchant takes on Yofiel and is assisted by Father Collini and the Swiss Guard he recruited to help. Using a mixture of faith and science , Merchant and crew defeat Yofiel, and his vampires, who transform back to their original human form. Yofiel transforms from vampire to the Roman Centurion who pierced Jesus’s side. The ceiling above the tomb crumbles, allowing the sunshine and throngs of pilgrims in Saint Peter’s Square above for Easter Sunday mass look down upon the group, exposing their escapades to the world.
RESOLUTION (NEW):
Merchant and Olivia, enjoy the Easter Sunrise on top of Saint Peter’s Basilica. Olivia believes they should try to convince the faithful about the true origins of the vampires and the virus. Father Merchant disagrees as no one would ever believe their story and it is best they go one believing as they always have. They share a kiss. The Swiss Guard interrupt taking Merchant away. He awakens in a bed, rustic cabin-like room, pulling back we see he’s abandoned on an old monastery high in the Italian alps. From the window he screams out for Olivia.
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Hello Rewrite Forum, I have a feature, Horror/Thriller, working title, THE VATICAN VARIANT, which is based on adaptation of web series, “The Vatican is Studying Vampires at a Secret Research Facility,” written by Nathan Jun, looking for a feedback partner. I’ve written 6 other screenplays of various genres, and have taken other screenwriting SU classes over the years. Thank you.
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What I learned doing this assignment was writing my logline using the logline template supplied made the process easier and produce a clear and short logline. Writing out the One Page is a challenge. I realized some story elements elevating conflict and character’s emotional journey are missing and have come up with some ideas on how to improve the story.
Please note my screenplay is an adaptation from the web series: “The Vatican is Studying Vampires at a Secret Research Facility,” written by Nathan Jun.
TITLE: THE VATICAN VARIANT
LOGLINE: A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he finds his faith and science challenged by a diabolical virus causing vampirism, which if he does not cure will destroy the world.
ONE PAGE:
Deep under the Vatican lies a secret research facility that has been studying vampires for hundreds of years. What researches have learned is vampirism is caused by a virus, specifically the N1PH strain, who’s origin is undetermined and hotly debated.
The virus is either diabolical, or scientific in nature. Whatever it is, its mutations are causing concern at the highest levels of the Holy See. It is Holy Week. After gruesome accident at the last vaccine trial, a decision was made to summon, unsuspecting, Father Simon Merchant, of Georgetown University, a Jesuit Priest and an expert in virology to the Vatican for reasons unknown to him. Father Merchant is scheduled to testify for the position of NIH Director, a job, his amorous assistant, Olivia Norcross, insist he attend. Merchant accepts the Vatican’s mysterious invitation, considering it to be a higher calling.
At the Vatican, Father Merchant is met by Father Collini, and Father O’Hara, two priest who are at odds on every subject, including the nature of the vampire virus. Together the priests show Father Merchant the secret laboratory and introduce him to his first vampire leaving him understanbly shaken. After an interview with the vampire, Merchant decides he is tortured soul, one worth saving, and agrees to lead the vaccine trials. Their morality still undefined.
The new trial is a collsal failure. The vampire subject explodes in a torrent of gore and entrails, coating Merchant, Collini, and O’Hara. The evil spirit of the vampire is released, streaming through the lab, infecting the other human specimens.
An altercation with the freed vampires leads Merchant to be jabbed with his own vaccine, sending him into a drug induced comma where he mysteriously encounters an old saint, Ignatius Loyola. Whether he’s a figment, or a divine messenger, Merchant learns from his fellow Jesuit, what he must do to overcome his conflict between good and evil, for his faith is what will save or destroy him.
Meanwhile Collini and O’Hara are grilled by an incredulous Vatican committee over the vaccine’s failure. To keep the world safe, the Vatican, reinstalls the Order of Knights of the Sacred Heart, a top level Swiss Guard unit, to combat the vampires. Off on his own, we learn Father O’Hara has an agreement with the vampires to take over the church in return for their rise to power, only if O’Hara can deliver a vaccine that enables vampires to exist in sunlight. It is due by Easter Sunday, as the date set to overtake the Vatican and then the world. O’Hara arranges for the kidnapping of Olivia by the vampires. Except it is a double-cross and O’Hara meets his untimely death.
Motivated by Olivia’s abduction, Father Merchant stumbles upon the possible origin of the vaccine through Father Collins’s secret manuscripts. He determines if the host of the virus is destroyed then the remaining vampires will be cured of the the disease and their souls set free. To do so requires obtaining the Spear of Destiny, a.k.a the Lance of Longinus, who pierced Jesus’s side, determining his death. Do get to the spear, its existence a big, unanswered, question, means Merchant and Collini avoiding vampires and Vatican officials, all too suspicious of Merchant’s intentions.
Overcoming ravenous vampires, and sophisticated security measures, Merchant retrieves the The Spear. Using the blood DNA on the spear’s tip, Merchant concocts what he believes is the be-all of vaccinations, one of science and faith blended together. To get it to work, he and Collini must enter the Vampires’s nest, deep in an ancient pagan’s temple below the Vatican. In the temple resides, Yofiel, the leader of the vampires, from, him all other vampire blood lines flow. It won’t be easy, Yofiel is holding, Olivia, captive and uses her as a bargaining chip to ward off Merchant and trick him into his death.
Collini, exhibits his extraordinary skills as an exorcist, buying Merchant some time to get to Yofiel. In their fight against the vampires, Collini is killed, leaving Olivia to finish the exorcism, ironic, for Olivia the atheist. Together Olivia and Merchant administer the vaccine to Yofiel, where he returns to his human state, that of Longinus, the Roman Centurion, the implications of his infection scandalous, a transformation no one else would dare to believe.
With their secret intact, Father Merchant and Olivia are back at their Georgetown laboratory. Merchant peering down the electron microscope as he has done for years, except he is terrified at what lies under the glass. The N1PH virus is devouring the cell tissues making it way into a new, innocent bloodline.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Ed Lusk.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Ed Lusk.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
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1. Name? Ed – short and sweet
2. How many scripts you’ve written? I am on my 7th screenplay.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? My current project is an adaptation of someone else’s work ( a web series) It’s kicking my ass. Adaptation is not easy, at least not for me. With this structured format, I’ll complete the adaptation and give it the credit it deserves.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’ve met two US Presidents, through circumstance, not influence, lol.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Ed Lusk.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
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Ed Lusk
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Ed’s – HENRY PELZNIKEL SAVES CHRISTMAS is ready for feedback exchange.
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Ed’s Chronological Edit.
What I learned doing this assignment is several ways to improve my script. In action I found times where I wrote a description twice, once to establish and second to reinforce it. By shortening and combining the two sentences I was able to increase pace, while supplying more impactful action.
Dialogue is improving but not there yet. I’m working on ending scenes with impactful or profound lines. I sense some scenes are ending incomplete. I’ve not achieved what the scene needs to provide.
I’ve added a couple scenes that were needed to explore the character’s relationship and provide character relationship arcs within the story. I found this to be a great improvement.
Because of the way we constructed the beat board I did find any unneeded scenes as we structured the story more formally at the beginning. Reduced the need for added edits.
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Ed Solved Scene Problems. What I learned doing this assignment is every scene has to count. Every scene has to deliver entertainment through dialogue, setting, action., arcs, suspense etc. My First/second drafts contain roughly designed scenes that I ask myself is this the best scene it could be? If not use Hal’s review process to improve them. Focusing on a scene at a time makes the task easier rather than being distracted by how to improve 93 pages of screenplay.
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Ed Solved Character Problems.
What I learned doing this assignment was improving the main characters ,protagonist and antagonist. I further developed what drives them and what they fear. The rewrites delivered additional drama and emotion to the story. My protagonist, I believed is more relatable/likeable. The antagonist now has another dimension to her motivations, hopefully make’s her more relatable.
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ED solved structural problems.
What I learned during this assignment was the inciting incident scene needed to be stronger, more pivotal. That was accomplished. The dilemma and climax sequence was a bit off. Not totally clear, that required cleaning up. Overall the structure there. There some room for additional scenes for set up and pay off which so far are minimal.
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Ed filled in missing scenes.
What I learned doing this assignment is I notice I loose some momentum after the first rough draft was completed. Probably because the process get’s more analytical now with the bulk of the story told. Dig deeper is not as easy.
With my story, there’s a logistical issue with my Protagonist on the run, interacting with other characters is either not possible, or takes more creativity to make a scene meaningful and work within the story line.
Added Scenes
Via text messages – Henry relationship with Neighbor Basil become more romantic.
Via watching video – Henry’s parents discover what Henry is up to. They experience his growth and transformation as does the audience watching these scenes/video.
Bridge via slanted News report – Henry’s plans. Viewing. audience’s negative reaction.
Cute Meet Up Scene – Surprise ! Basil meets with Henry at his moment of defeat. Her presence and words inspires him to succeed and they share a first kiss.
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Ed’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned doing this assignment is how to show the new ways of thinking character these scenes. We’ve completed the journey and there should be a new outlook. If not then I know how to correct this situation. I’ve learned all through the writing process how much the two journeys emotional and physical have to progress and have to show resolution.
EXT. WINTER NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
The Northern Lights shine among the stars. It’s peaceful. The sleigh glides across the clouds.
The a little turbulence. The sleigh bounces. There’s a bump and a thump from the cargo hold. Samwise climbs back and returns with a single toy package.
HENRY
I thought it was empty.
Samwise turns the carton over and over. He stops and reads the label.
SAMWISE
Colby Tate – Williams. Saint Louis, Missouri.
HENRY
What did you say?
Samwise reads it again.
SAMWISE
Colby Tate – Williams . Saint Louis, Missouri.
FLASH BACK – PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Jessica Tate Williams leans menacing over Henry and the broken drone.
JESSICA
Pity. My son ordered this same drone from Pelznikel Toys.
It will break my heart to tell him he’s not getting it now for Christmas.
HENRY
He’ll get it. I promise. All the toys will be delivered
By Christmas.
BACK TO HENRY
HENRY
We have to go back.
SAMWISE
Not with me you’re not.
HENRY
I have to deliver this toy. I promised.
SAMWISE
Kid, it just one stupid toy. You’re a hero at least in your own mind.
Isn’t that enough?
HENRY
A Pelznikel keeps their word.
SAMWISE
The word is stupid.
EXT. SAINT LOUIS – OLD VICTORIAN HOME – NIGHT
The sleigh glides in for a stop on he barren tree lined street. Old stately Victorian homes stand silently behind the street lamps glow. A light snow falls.
Henry with package in hand opens the wrought iron gate. At the wreath trimmed door he knocks. Nothing. Then another knock. From behind the door, clicks and clack of unlocking. The door swings open. Jessica Williams – Tate. The last person she expect to see is Henry.
JESSICA
Haven’t you caused enough trouble, Henry?
Henr reads off the package.
HENRY
I’m looking for Colby
Right on queue a young , curly haired boy, Colby, joins his mom at the door.
HENRY
I have a present for you.
Henry hands over the gift.
COLBY
Wow! For me? I can’t wait to open it.
Colby snatches the gift.
JESSICA
What do you say?
COLBY
Thank you.
Colby runs off back into the house.
JESSICA
You know this doesn’t change anything.
Henry knows so much more than their first meeting in the office.
HENRY
Merry Christmas
Henry proudly walks back down the path. As Jessica closes the front door. From inside the house Colby yells out.
Colby (OS)
A radio controlled drone! Just what I wanted.
EXT. SAINT LOUIS STREET – THE SLEIGH
Samwise got barbecue sauce all over his face. He’s eating ribs out of Styrofoam container.
SAMWISE I’m going to miss this food.
Henry
HENRY
I’m going to miss you.
SAMWISE
Take me home, kid.
HENRY
You going to tell me how reindeers fly?
SAMWISE
You wouldn’t believe it.
The sleigh takes off.
EXT. SANT LOUIS ARCH – NIGHT.
The sleigh rest on the apex of the arch. Henry’s out of the sleigh. Stand , looking out over America.
SAMWISE Of all your ideas this is the worst.
HENRY
I believe it will work.
SAMWISE
I believe you’re crazy.
HENRY
I’m glad you are my friend.
SAMWISE
You make plenty of friends Henry. I know you will.
HENRY
I’ll miss you.
Henry and Samwise embrace.
HENRY
Tell Santa I’m sorry.
SAMWISE
He knows. He always knows.
Samwise takes the reins. The sleigh takes off circles back leaving Henry standing alone on the Arch. He waves goodbye. Samwise cracks the reins the sleigh slides off into to darkness, jingle bells fading.
EXT. NORTH POLE -CASTLE – DAWN
The ice mountain continues to melt. Drips and streams of water pour off of the ledges and cliffs. The castle stands in slivery warm lite. The hectic night is over. The pennants and flags lie limply around the staffs.
Off in the distance there is a dark swarm between the clouds. It shifts and moves like a million birds in flight. The faint cacophony of chirps, roars, bales, ring out over the barren land below.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL ROOM OFFICES – DAWN
Radars screens sweep the sky. It’s been a long Christmas Eve. A COMMUNICATIONS ELF removes a headset rubs the eyes. A swig out of a mug. Stale Coffee. Another MONITOR ELF, rolls over in the chair to the radar screen. A large mass flashes it’s approach.
MONITOR ELF
What the bells and bows?
COMMUNICATION ELF
Santa?
MONTOR ELF
Way to big. He didn’t eat that many cookies.
The communication elf picks up a phone and speaks into it.
COMMUNICATION ELF
We have incoming.
EXT. NORTH POLE – SKY – DAWN
There are thousands , maybe even millions of animals of every species and size. They fly gleeful, free. Some exchange winks with the birds at their side. The army has a leader, Henry, riding a top of a pig. He’s Leading the charge.
EXT. NORTH POLE – CASTLE – DAWN
The squadrons of flying animal kingdom follow Henry. The begin flying a circle around the ice mountain. Once the circles complete they begin flying fast and faster. A whirlwind. They become almost a blur.
The whirlwind turns into a bluster. The pennants and flags on the towers whip in the gale. Snow blows in the wind. Blizzard conditions. The drips and streams of water freeze in place. The warm air which entombed the mountain pushed away. Clear, blue skies, frigid, arctic air frost over the castle windows.
Henry screams with excitement
HENRY
Thank you all!
The swarm peels off. Streams of mixed creatures break away from the circle. Heading home. Mission accomplished.
INT. NORTH POLE CASTE – STABLES – DAY
An OINK and a SQUEAL the pig with Henry riding it crash lands on the stable cobble stones. Henry tumbles off of the pig. He comes to rest at the curled shoes of an elf. He looks up and Samwise looks down upon him. His face breaks into a huge smile. Samwise offers a hand up.
SAMWISE
When pigs fly. You got style kid.
HENRY
Were we too late for Christmas?
Outside the JINGLE JINGLE of bells
SAMWISE
Go see for yourself.
Henry’s intimidated. No one wants to face a Santa who didn’t make Christmas.
EXT. NORTH POLE – LANDING STRIP – DAWN
The snow swirls. The air frigid. The familiar sleigh and reindeer glide in for a stop. The team immediately surrounds by stable hands caring for the reindeer with buckets of oats and water.
Santa Claus, exhausted. He peels off his gloves finger by finger. He dismounts the sleigh. Front and Center stands Henry.
HENRY
I’m sorry I took your sleigh
SANTA Claus
It was an accident.
Santa admires Henry’s work. He shivers against the cold. They walk back towards the castle.
SANTA CLAUS
I see you’ve accomplished that which others could not.
This will gain you many loyal followers. Millions perhaps
HENRY
I’m not going post anything.
SANTA CLAUS
Neither will we.
HENRY
Alfreda?
SANTA CLAUS
She’s been…reassigned.
SANTA CLAUS
I spoke with your parents. Good news, Pelznikel Toys will be an exclusive
Supplier to the North Pole. Very lucrative contract.
HENRY
Is Samwise in trouble?
SANTA CLAUS
I’ll miss him terribly. Never had a better Reindeer stable manager.
Henry’s concerned he’s been fired
SANTA CLAUS
Full pension effective January first.
The two enter the castle.
SAMWISE Kid you ever been to a North Pole Christmas party?
HENRY
Maybe next year.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – BREAKROOM – DAY
Henry enters the room. The lights flash on. All the employee irrupts in surprise! SIGNS Welcome back Henry. Congratulations Henry! Henry’s our Hero.
EXT. SOUTH POLE – DAY
ALFREDA
That might make a wonderful new home for the NORTH POLE CASTEL, don’t you think, Cookie? The polar bear snarls in disagreement.
EXT. HAWAII ISLAND – BEACH – DAY
Beautiful Hawaii. The surfs up. Surfers cut and slash across the waves. In the middle of it all is Samwise. Christmas themed board shorts. Gleeful. Relaxed.
FADE OUT.
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Ed’s Act 4 Climax.
What I learned doing this assignment was I was able to take the Response to Turning point scene and develop it further to a climax scene. Inserting a showdown With the Antagonist provides more drama. However, the conflict needs better defining in next draft. It Much different than the scene, and I think better scene, than what I had in the outline for the climax. That scene wasn’t working. A good lesson for me not to try to make a scene work that doesn’t just because I like the scene setting. That scene may be used differently in a prior act. I’ll Work that out.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – THIRTY FORTH STREET – NIGHT
INSERT
Street sign reads thirty forth street.
New Yorkers bundled up agains the cold travers the busy street. Department stores and their window decorated to the hilt.
Jingling becomes louder and louder. Pedestrians stops. Looking around. From the out of the darkness above Henry glides the sleigh down to the street.
SAWWISE
You sue you want to do this kid? I think every New Yorker is on the Naughty List.
The sleigh glides to a stop in the middle of seventh avenue and thirsty fourth street. Traffic stops, horns blare. New Yorkers gather around the sleigh.
Henry stands up. Taking it all in. Cell phones fixed on him.
HENRY
My name is Henry Pelznikel
A NEW YORKER yells.
NEW YORKER
Hey that’s Santa’s Sleigh. You stole it!
HENRY
It was an accident.
NEW YORKER
Give Christmas back to the people!
The crowd not on Henry’s side. The murmurs and catcalls.
INSERT
Cell phones text message – NAUGHTY LIST – I’M ON MY WAY – A.
BACK TO HENRY
Samwise senses the crowd is getting hostile.
SAMWISE
Kid this is not working. We got to go.
Some of the crowd step forward. Others follow. They take hold onto the bridle straps. The reindeer stomp in fear.
SAMWISE
Kid the reindeer, they’ll spooked, Come on.
HENRY
(To crowd) Listen to me. The North Pole is melting. They need our help.
Yells from the crowd denouncing Henry’s message. More pedestrians take hold of the sleigh.
CROWD YELLING
You are trying to take Christmas away from us! Liar! Cheat! Crook! Scammer!
Snow begins to fall. Large, soft flakes. The look of a snow globe.
HENRY
If you follow me, I show you how you can help.
NEW YORKER
Kid will do anything for followers. Get him!
HENRY
No No it’s the truth. You have to believe me. I have proof.
Henry waves the document. The Reindeer buck and stomp at the surrounding crowd. Fear glows in their eyes. A hand reaches up and grabs Samwise’s vest. He pulls away only to be grappled with by more of the crowd.
Henry sets the document down on the sleigh seat. As the snow flakes land on it the text begins to fade away, work by word. The pages go from incriminating to blank. Worthless.
SAMWISE
Kid. Get us out of here.
Henry takes the reins. A twitch and a snap. Nothing. He tries it again.
SAMWISE
Come on kid!
HENRY
They not moving.
Samwise holds his hand out. Snow flakes land on the glove. These are not ordinary snowflakes. Samwise looks down closely at them. Examining and confirming.
SAMWISE
It’s Alfreda. She’s found a way.
HENRY
What? How?
SAMWISE
Messenger Snow. The snow flakes carry a message.The reindeer are being summoned back.It’s over kid.
From somewhere in the canyon of buildings, illuminated stars and wreaths comes a GREAT ROAR. Henry looks up. The crowd searches. Samwise bows his head. He knows what, or better, who is coming.
SAMWISE
Oh no.
Another ROAR. There, down the street in the darkness a bright , white glow. It comes closer and closer. The globe takes shape. It’s an animal. A bear. A massive white polar bear flying through the night sky coming directly for the sleigh.
On the bears back is a rider. Holding holly adorned reins, stiff posture, assured, confident, it’s -Alfreda.
The crowd parts in amazement as Alfreda and the Polar bear land in front of the sleigh. Alfreda dismounts the polar bear. She hands the reins over to a stunner by-stander.
ALFREDA
Hold this.
The terrified by-stander obediently if not hesitantly takes the reins. The polar bears golden eyes even height with the eyes of by-stander. The bear growls low and slow from its belly.
Henry stands up. Defiant. The crowd eager to watch the showdown. Alfreda slowly makes her way towards the sleigh. She scratches the nose of the reindeer. Kisses another.
ALFREDA
Funtime is over little boy.
New Yorker crowds fixated like watching a tennis match.
HENRY
I’m not a boy.
ALFREDA
You prefer – Little thief?
Some murmurs of agreement from the crowd.
HENRY
I didn’t steal the sleigh.
ALFREDA
And yet here you are. Care to explain?
The mob very interested in Henry’s retort.
HENRY
I touched the reins. I wasn’t suppose to. They made me the sleigh master.
After a brief moment for that to sink in. Alfreda, much to everyone’s surprise – laughs. The crowd then joins her. Loud , uproarious laughter directed at Henry. He’s more than embarrassed. The crowd subsides.
ALFREDA
Well. Sleigh Master. Fly away. Show us.
Henry takes the reins. Samwise reaches over and gently pushes Henry’s hands back down. No use playing into Alfreda’s manipulations.
HENRY
I can’t.
ALFREDA
What’s that?
HENRY
It won’t fly.
Alfreda drawing closer. Halfway down to the sleigh.
ALFREDA
You can’t fly. Tell the world why you are taking Christmas away from them?
HENRY
I’m not taking Christmas away. I…I made a promise.
CROWD YELLING TOGETHER
Liar!
Breaking my kids heart!
It’s not about you!
Alfreda now standing directly below Henry standing in the sleigh above her.
ALFREDA
Santa wants his sleigh back…NOW!
HENRY
You promised him you would get it back?
ALFREDA
Of course
HENRY
Promises are important.
ALFREDA
Yes a promise is a promise. Now get down.
Time is wasting.
HENRY
Time for Christmas or Time to save the North Pole?
CROWD
Save the North Pole. What’s the kid talking about?
ALFREDA
It’s a lie. He has no proof.
Henry looks disheartledly at the blank document. No he does not have any proof.
CROWD
Come on kid, off of the sleigh. It’s Christmas Eve. Children want their toys!
SAMWISE (OS)
Henry is right. The North Pole is melting. This is their last Christmas.
All eyes turn to so far silent Sawise. The small elf stands before them. Alfreda burns.
SAMWISE
My names is Samwise. I’ve been a North Pole Elf eighty seven years.
The North Pole is my home. (To Alfreda) Our home and it’s in danger.
I believe it is Santa’s wish that my friend ,Henry Pelznikel, do something about it.
ALFREDA
You treacherous little penguin!
HENRY
You hear that? Santa Claus trust me.
Alfreda levitates. She lands next to Henry.
AlFREDA
(To crowd) Who do you believe? An elf traitor and lying friend who only want fame
And publicity? Santa sent me here to bring back his sleigh. Now get off.
These wonderful mom’s and dad’s want to see their children open Santa’s presents on Christmas morning
CROWD
Yeah! It’s our tradition.
Henry and Alfreda struggle for the reins. With a might shove Henry’s pushed off into the crowd. He’s body surfed over the crowd towards the front of the sleigh.
HENRY
Don’t you understand? There be no more Christmas without the North Pole!
Behind him on the sleigh Samwise has his own problems, Alfreda pushed him back into cargo area. The crowd scratching and clawing at him.
Henry’s pushed and shoved by the crowd towards the front of the reindeer team. The current is too strong. Once again he can’t breath. He falls to the ground. Nobody notices or cares. He’s enveloped in darkness of the bodies above him.
HENRY
(failing) You have to believe.
And then silence.
INT. NORTH POLE SANTA’S OFFICES – NIGHT
Santa watches on the screen in horror the melee on thirty fourth street. He closes his eyes. A deep meditative state takes over.
EXT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – THE SLEIGH – NIGHT
The darkness enveloping Henry breaks. A new dawn. The lead reindeer licks his face. The chaos of the crowd seeps back in to view. The reindeer bends, the tree branch size antlers lower to the ground, hooking under Henry’s vest.
With one quick snap of the neck Henry is tossed, up into the air, flying above the crowd, somersaulting through the air. He lands on his feet on the shoulder of the lead reindeer. Ahead the team of reindeer and a clear patch across the crowd.
Henry steps the flies, then jumps , and flies again, across the reindeer backs towards the sleigh. Alfreda cowers.
He jumps into the seat. He looks at the dash. Where was the spot? His fingers tap, nothing is happening. He tries another place. He finds the switch.
Samwise reading off names from cartons in the cargo hold. Voices from the crowd shout out HERE. Samwise chucks the carton in their direction.
SAMWISE
What’s the plan?
From the belly of the sleigh and deep, rich and VERY LOUD HO, HO, HO, and again HO, HO, HO.
The crowd falls silent. The pandemonium subsides in shock. The crowd step away from the sleigh. In combined wonder they believe. Is Santa here? They search the sky. They search the street. Are they caught red handed being naughty? The reindeer calm, ready for flight.
ALFREDA
It’s just a trick. Don’t be fooled again.
Henry hits the switch again. HO HO HO
EXT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE DOORS – NIGHT
Various department doors along the street swing open. Santa Clauses run out into the street.
INT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE STORE WINDOWS – NIGHT
Wooden soldiers come to life. The glass breaks . The soldiers march out of the windows, form a platoon and march towards the the sleigh and the crowd.
EXT. THIRTY FOURTH STREET – THE SLEIGH – NIGHT
The store Santa’s arrive pushing their way between the reindeer and the crowd. No one wants to be caught on video punching a Santa. Which one is real? The crowd starts to step back. The toy soldiers garrison take up positions around the sleigh.
HENRY
Get off my sleigh.
Alfreda, defeated, is taken into custody by the wooden soldiers. The New Yorkers lets go of Samwise. He dusts himself off. There is enough room among the chaos for the sleigh to move.
SAMWISE
Punch it kid.
The sleigh zooms nearly straight up away from the street. Threads it way between the skyscrapers. Some toy cartons fall out the back down into the hands of the crowd below.
The pedestrian read the label.
PEDESTRIAN
Hey this is my order.
Others around the pedestrian realize the same thing. The sleigh pulls away nearly out of sight.
HENRY
(Yelling back at the crowd) You’re welcome.
SAMWISE
That’s it kid we are done …coast to coast. Take me home.
The sleigh zips past the upper Manhattan skyline.
-
Ed’s Act 4 first scenes.
What I learned doing this assignment is rewrites to the outline were needed so that the New Ways were developed further. My characters thinking and action got him out of trouble caused in the Act 3 turning point. They were fun scenes to write. But as the lesson says our protagonist is not out of trouble – yet. Hopefully a showdown with the antagonist is coming in the climax scene. Not sure about the clear dilemma yet, that requires further analysis.
ACT FOUR SCENE 1 Out Line
BEGINNING – Henry’s appears defeated, knocked unconscious laying on the street.
MIDDLE – Henry finds he strength to believe in himself. He’s not finished, not like this.
END – Henry finds the strength and courage to save the day.
ACT FOUR SCENE 2 Outline – Dilemma
BEGINNING – Henry finds one last and very important toy hidden in the back of the sleigh.
MIDDLE – Henry and Samwise – dilemma – If you deliver that toy, you make good on a promise nut there is not enough time to save Christmas. You’ll be vilified for life.
END – Henry makes his decision. Setting up the climax scene.
INT. NORTH POLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Alfreda helps Santa Claus getting suited up. A fake jelly belly strapped to his waste. Gone is corporate casual, replaced with the traditional red suite.
Several flat screen television beam the chaos on thirty forth street.
SANTA CLAUS
News travels fast.
ALFREDA
It shouldn’t be traveling at all. That’s the problem
The screens change to clip of Henry’s Skywriting above New York City.
ALFREDA
The kid got style. I’ll give him that.
The screens switch to the frightened reindeer surrounded by the mob. The look of curiosity across Santa’s roses faces changes to deep concern.
SANTA
The reindeer, Alfeda. Samwise. What have you done?
Santa closes his eyes going into deep meditation. Alfreda taps away on her cell phone never taking her eyes off the television screens.
EXT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – THE SLEIGH – NIGHT
The darkness enveloping Henry breaks. A new dawn. The lead reindeer, through the crush of bodies licks his face. The chaos of the crowd seeps back in. The reindeer bends, it’s tree branch size antlers lower to the ground, hooking under Henry’s vest.
With one quick snap of the neck Henry is tossed, up into the air, above the crowd, somersaulting through the air. He lands on his feet on the shoulder of the reindeer. Ahead, the team of reindeer and a clear path across the crowd.
Henry runs across the reindeer backs to the sleigh. He jumps into the seat. He looks at the dash. Where was the spot? His fingers tap, nothing is happening. He tries another place. He finds the switch.
Samwise reading off names of New Yorkers from cartons in the cargo hold. Voices from the crowd shout out HERE. Samwise chucks the carton in their direction.
SAMWISE
What’s the plan?
From the belly of the sleigh and deep, rich and VERY LOUD HO, HO, HO, and again HO, HO, HO.
The crowd falls silent. The pandemonium subsides in shock. The crowd step away from the sleigh. In combined wonder they believe. Is Santa here? They search the sky. They search the street. Are they caught red handed being naughty? The reindeer calm, ready for flight.
Henry hits the switch again. HO HO HO
EXT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE DOORS – NIGHT
Various department doors along the street swing open. Black boots and red pants run out.
INT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE STORE WINDOWS – NIGHT
Wooden soldiers come to life. The glass breaks . The soldiers march out of the windows, form a platoon and march towards the the sleigh and the crowd.
EXT. THIRTY FOURTH STREET – THE SLEIGH – NIGHT
The department store Santa’s arrive pushing their way between the reindeer and the crowd. No one wants to be caught on video punching a Santa. Which one is real? The crowd starts to step back. The toy soldiers take up positions around the sleigh.
The New Yorker lets go of Samwise. He dusts himself off. The helpers give enough room for the sleigh to move. This is their moment to flee.
SAMWISE
Punch it kid.
The sleigh zooms nearly straight up away from the street. Threads it way between the skyscrapers. Some toy cartons fall out the back down into the hands of the crowd below.
The pedestrian read the label.
PEDESTRIAN
Hey this is my order.
Others around the pedestrian realize the same thing. The sleigh pulls away nearly out of sight.
HENRY
(Yelling back at the crowd) You’re welcome.
SAMWISE
That’s it kid we are done …coast to coast. Take me home.
EXT. WINTER NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
The Northern Lights shine among the stars. It’s peaceful. The a little turbulence. The sleigh bounces. There’s a bump and a thump from the cargo hold. Samwise climbs back and returns with a single toy package.
HENRY
I thought it was empty.
Samwise turns the carton over and over. He stops and reads the label.
SAMWISE
William Tate – Kay. Saint Louis, Missouri.
HENRY
What did you say.
Samwise reads it again.
SAMWISE
William Tate – Kay . Saint Louis, Missouri.
FLASH BACK – PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Jessica Tate Williams leans menacing over Henry and the broken drone.
JESSICA
Pity. My son ordered this same drone from Pelznikel Toys.
It will break my heart to tell him he’s not getting it now for Christmas.
HENRY
He’ll get it. I promise. All the toys will be delivered
By Christmas.
BACK TO HENRY
HENRY
We have to go back.
SAMWISE
Not with me you’re not.
HENRY
I have to deliver this toy. I promised.
SAMWISE
Kid, it just one stupid toy. Your a hero in your own mind.
Isn’t that enough?
HENRY
A Pelznikel keeps their word.
SAMWISE
The word is vilified! Do you know what that means? You turn this sleigh around Santa won’t
Have enough time to make Christmas. Alfreda will make sure the world knows it your fault. Are you okay with that?
Henry looks down on the carton. He imagines Jessica Williams Tate answering the door. Henry has her sons toy. He has redemption in hand. He snaps the reins the sleigh whiplashes around chaining direction away from the Northern Lights.
-
Ed’s Act 3 Turning Point
What I learned doing this assignment is that I wrote the turning point in the last assignment , however did not recognize that scene as a ACT3 turning point. I went back, developed the scene further so that the character’s failure and emotional duress was stronger. Now he has reached a lowest point in his journey, at least in Draft one.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – THIRTY FORTH STREET – NIGHT
INSERT
Street sign reads thirty forth street.
New Yorkers bundled up agains the cold traverse the busy street. Christmas decor adorns Department stores and their street windows, guarded by wooden toy soldiers.
Jingling bells becomes louder and louder. Pedestrians stops. Looking around. From the out of the darkness above Henry glides the sleigh down to the street.
SAWWISE
You sue you want to do this kid? I think every New Yorker is on the Naughty List.
The sleigh glides to a stop in the middle of seventh avenue and thirsty fourth street. Traffic stops, horns blare. New Yorkers gather cautiously around the sleigh.
Henry stands up. Taking it all in. Cell phone cameras fixed on him. He adores it.
HENRY
My name is Henry Pelznikel
A NEW YORKER yells.
NEW YORKER
Hey that’s Santa’s Sleigh. You stole it!
HENRY
It was an accident.
NEW YORKER
What about all the other kids? You taking their Christmas away.
The crowd not on Henry’s side. The murmurs and catcalls.
INSERT
Cell phones text message – NAUGHTY LIST – HOLD THE SLEIGH
BACK TO HENRY
Samwise senses the crowd is getting hostile.
SAMWISE
Kid this is not working.
Some of the crowd step forward. Others follow. They take hold onto the bridle straps. The reindeer stomp in fear.
SAMWISE
Kid the reindeer, they’ll spooked, Come on.
HENRY
(To crowd) Listen to me. The North Pole is melting. They need our help.
Yells from the crowd denouncing Henry’s message. More pedestrians take hold of the sleigh.
CROWD YELLING
You are trying to take Christmas away from us! Liar! Cheat! Crook! Scammer!
HENRY
If you follow me, I show you how you can help.
NEW YORKER
Kid will do anything for followers. Get him!
HENRY
No No it’s the truth. You have to believe me. I have proof.
Henry waves the document. The Reindeer buck and stomp at the surrounding crowd. Fear glows in their eyes. A hand reaches up and grabs Samwise’s vest. He pulls away only to be grappled with by more of the crowd.
SAMWISE
Kid. Get us out of here.
Henry jumps down from the sleigh into the angry mob. He pulls at hands and arms holding the reins trying to free the reindeer. Their grips too strong. Their numbers too many. Their motivation too bleak.
HENRY
Get away from here! Don’t you understand? Leave them alone.
Behind him on the sleigh Samwise has his own problems, trying to fight off the crowd trying to pull him off the sleigh. Some of the crowd reached the cargo hold, taking the cartons for themselves.
Henry’s pushed and shoved by the crowd towards the front of the reindeer team. The current is too strong. Once again he can’t breath. He falls to the ground. Nobody notices or cares. He’s enveloped in darkness of the bodies above him.
HENRY
(failing) You have to believe me.
And then silence.
-
Ed’s Act Three Key Scenes Two and Three
What I learned doing this assignment is the flow of the story – pace and suspense naturally increased. We are naturally being propelled to the climax. It not feeling forced or contrived. I realize I need to get more scenes with the protagonist and antagonist together, which will take creatively as they have been physically /geographically separated.
KEY SCENE – 2 – Making a new plan
BEGINNING Henry has to finish getting his toy delivered. Time is running out to get the sleigh back. There is ONE special toy he must deliver – the lawyer’s son. Fulfill his promise.
MIDDLE – Henry will use Alfreda plan against him to his advantage – famous for stealing – now use his fame for the NP message.
END – Launch the plan in a BIG WAY ?? Where and How?
KEY Scene 3 – Things are going well until.
BEGINNING – Plan is going well, followers are growing.
MIDDLE – Alfreda goes against Santa’s wishes. Paints Henry as a prankster. Beliefs are split.
END – Alfreda is coming after Henry – In person – Snow Messenger in play. Document disappears.
KEY SCENE 4 – Turning Point – Protagonist faces new low.
BEGINNING – All toys delivered except one – special one found tucked away in the sleigh. Henry;’s plan accepted as a hoax. Samwise says it over. Henry’s done what he can. “You lost kid”
MIDDLE – Alfreda strikes back.
END – Henry is left no sleigh, no Samwise , one special package left, and Family’s Toy business reputation destroyed.
MIDDLE – Henry uses the NP document as proof there is a crisis at the NP. They need help to find a solution.
END – Henry post his proof on Social – followers skyrocket.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – SLEIGH – NIGHT
The sleigh glides over the Chicago Suburbs. Christmas lights adorn the houses below. It’s peaceful – for now. Toy cartons launch off the back of the sleigh.
HENRY
You said Mall Santa’s are conduits. What do you mean by that?
SAMWISE
Santa can’t everywhere. He has helpers. The mall Santa’s channel back to the NP, what the boys and girls are wanting for Christmas. It like a market survey.
HENRY
Is it two way channel?
SAMWISE
I suppose it can be. Why?
HENRY
I think Santa choose me to help him.
SAMWISE
Kid – You seen the NP, Does Santa look like he needs help?
HENRY
That’s just it. My dad taught me those closes to the problem don’t always see the solution. Maybe he wanted me to secretly come the North Pole. You said yourself you didn’t know why I was there.
SAMWISE Until you stole his sleigh
HENRY
Accidentally.
SAMWISE
Say Santa wanted you to help him. Okay , with what?
Henry pulls out the document. As he hands it over to Samwise it nearly flies away. Samwise snatches it out of the air.
HENRY
With this – the North Pole melting. Your home is in danger. The tradition is dying.
SAMWISE
Oh that. We’re toast.
HENRY
Don’t say that!
SAMWISE
It an ice mountain. Temperature rise . Ice melts. End of story.
HENRY
A story – a story that must be told and I’m the one who’s going to do it!
SAMWISE
You think people will believe you Henry? That hate you!
HENRY
I have to try. Some people believe in me. I can’t let them down.
KEY SCENE – 2 – Making a new plan
BEGINNING Henry has to finish getting his toy delivered. Time is running out to get the sleigh back. There is ONE special toy he must deliver – the lawyer’s son. Fulfill his promise.
MIDDLE – Henry will use Alfreda plan against him to his advantage – famous for stealing – now use his fame for the NP message.
END – Launch the plan in a BIG WAY ?? Where and How?
EXT. CELL PHONE STORE
The sleigh parked on the roof of a strip mall. In hiding. Below them a cell phone store. Samwise on look out. Nervous. Henry climbs over the ladder back onto the roof and into the sleigh
SAMWISE
You get it?
Henry pops a new cell phone out of a box.
SAMWISE
This is stupid.
Henry taps aways at the phone. He stops Stunned.
SAWWISE
What?
Henry
One million two hundred and fifty two thousand followers?
SAMWISE
How many does Alfreda account have?
A few more taps
HENRY
One hundred and ninety three million.
SAMWISE
I’d say she’s winning kid.
Henry starts scanning the the North Pole Document.
HENRY
Not for long.
INSERT
Post @ HenryPLovesToys. North Pole is melting. They need our help. #HelpNorthPole, #SaveChristmas
HENRY
Collective minds
The sleigh takes off.
INT. NEW STATION – NIGHT
It’s the feel good story of the day. One not to be taken too seriously.
ANCHOR
We have this Christmas news. The North Pole is melting
Christmas bad boy Henry Pelznikel claims he has proof.
Yes it appears climate change has reached the North Pole
Leaked documents posted to Henry’s feed show contingency plans on relocating the North Pole.
CO-ANCHOR
Let’s hope those elves can swim.
ANCHOR Happy Holidays and good night.
Silly laughter before the sign Off. .
EXT. CLEVELAND – NIGHT
It’s cold, bleak. Steel mill blast furnace flames mixed among the swirling snow.
EXT. CLEVELAND CITY HALL STEPS – NIGHT
A podium full of microphones. MAYOR, political opportunities no matter what the odds, braced against the wind and snow. Behind the mayor loyal supporters and other dignitaries.
MAYOR
What better location for the North Pole to relocate than Cleveland. Being on
The North Coast of America it a natural fit. Call us Santa, let’s talk relocation.
EXT. CLEVELAND SKYLINE – STEEL MILLS – NIGHT
Henry pilots the sleigh over the steel mills. Samwise has his hands out, warming them against flames exiting the smoke stacks.
INT. TEXAS GOVERNOR’S OFFICE
TEXAS GOVERNOR, surrounded by Stenson wearing patriots. Microphones laid out across the desk.
GOVERNOR
Let me state for the record the great state of Texas welcome the The North Pole with open arms, of Course as long as they don’t bring Their North Pole values with them.
The Governor beams duplicitous smile. . Chuckles all around. Off screen reporters yell follow up questions.
EXT. MIAMI FLORIDA – BEACH – DAY
A unidentified Florida representative speaks from the delightful palm tree lined white sand beach
FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE
Sunshine , beaches , Florida has it all. South Beach perfect
Location for the North Pole.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE – SLEIGH – NIGHT
The sleigh zooms across Manhattan.
SAMWISE
How many people live here?
HENRY
About twenty million. They need to see us.
Samwise hits a couple of buttons on the smoke glass dash. Lights flash under his finger tips. From the runners below the sleigh, color smoke emit a glowing trail.
Samwise
That help?
Henry snaps the reigns and the sleigh banks deeply down towards the East River.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE
Henry takes the sleigh through skywriting exercise. The glowing smoke spells out #SAVETHENORTHPOLE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE – SLEIGH – NIGHT
The glowing smoke trails behind the erratic flying sleigh. Henry scream in delight. Samwise hangs on for dear life.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – THIRTY FORTH STREET – NIGHT
INSERT
Street sign reads thirty forth street.
New Yorkers bundled up agains the cold travers the busy street. Department stores and their window decorated to the hilt.
Jingling becomes louder and louder. Pedestrians stops. Looking around. From the out of the darkness above Henry glides the sleigh down to the street.
SAWWISE
You sue you want to do this kid? I think every New Yorker is on the Naughty List.
The sleigh glides to a stop in the middle of seventh avenue and thirsty fourth street. Traffic stops, horns blare. New Yorkers gather around the sleigh.
Henry stands up. Taking it all in. Cell phones fixed on him.
HENRY
My name is Henry Pelznikel
A NEW YORKER yells.
NEW YORKER
Hey that’s Santa’s Sleigh. You stole it!
HENRY
It was an accident. We’ve been delivering toys for hours.
NEW YORKER
You’re toys. What about all the other kids.
The crowd not on Henry’s side. The murmurs and catcalls.
INSERT
Cell phones text message – HOLD THE SLEIGH
BACK TO HENRY
Samwise senses the crowd is getting hostile.
SAMWISE
Kid this is not working. We got to go.
Some of the crowd come forward. They hold onto the bridle straps. The reindeer stomp and in fear.
SAMWISE
Kid the reindeer, they’ll spooked, Come on.
HENRY
The North Pole is melting. They need our help.
Yells from the crowd denouncing Henry’s message. More pedestrians take hold of the sleigh.
HENRY
If you follow me, I show you how you can help.
NEW YORKER
Kid will do anything for followers. What a scam!
HENRY
No No it’s not a scam. I have proof.
Henry waves the document. The Reindeer buck and stomp at the surrounding crowd. A hand reaches up and grabs Sawwise’s vest.
SAMWISE
Kid. Get us out of here.
Henry takes the reigns, a quick snap. The reindeer try to rise. Up slightly, pulled down, up again pulled pack down. Bells jingle, voices yell.
HENRY
We’re stuck.
INT. NORTH POLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Alfreda helps Santa Claus getting suited up. A fake jelly belly strapped to his waste. Gone is corporate casual, replaced with the traditional red suite.
SANTA CLAUS
You are that confident.
ALFREDA
We have a lock on the sleigh
Several flat screen television beam the North Pole relocation news clips.
SANTA CLAUS
News travels fast.
ALFREDA
It shouldn’t be traveling at all. That’s the problem
The screens change to the few of Henry’s Skywriting above New York City.
ALFREDA
The kid got style. I’ll give him that.
SANTA
The reindeer, Alfeda. Be careful.
Santa closes his eyes going into deep, transcendental meditation. Alfreda taps away on her cell phone.
EXT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE DOORS – NIGHT
Various department doors along the street swing open. Black boots and red pants run out.
INT. THIRTY FORTH STREET – DEPARTMENT STORE STORE WINDOWS – NIGHT
Wooden soldiers come to life. The glass breaks . The soldiers march out of the windows, form a platoon and march towards the the sleigh and the crowd.
EXT. THIRTY FOURTH STREET – THE SLEIGH – NIGHT
The store Santa’s arrive pushing their way between the reindeer and the crowd. No one wants to punch a Santa. The crowd starts to step back. The toy soldiers take up positions around the sleigh.
The New Yorker lets go of Samwise. He dusts himself off. The helpers give enough room for the sleigh to move.
SAMWISE
Punch it kid.
The sleigh zooms nearly straight up away from the street. Threads it way between the skyscrapers. Some toy cartons fall out the back down into the hands of the crowd below.
The pedestrian read the label.
PEDESTRIAN
Hey this is my order.
Others around the pedestrian realize the same thing. The sleigh pulls away nearly out of sight.
HENRY
You’re welcome.
-
Ed’s Act 3 Reaction to the Midpoint.
What I learned doing this assignment – First , some of my third act scenes crept into what I thought was still act two. I’ll fix that later in future drafts. Second I realized I am outlining and writing scenes much faster. I am overcoming those worries about gaps, gaffs, assorted poor quality issues, those will be fixed later. Lastly – screenplays are so much about action- reaction. This structure addresses how to logically concentrate on that fact while elevating the story and moving it forward at different levels.
ACT THREE OUTLINE KEY SCENES
Key Scene 1: React/Rethink the new reality revealed by Midpoint
Key Scene 2: Makes a new plan.
Key Scene 3: Things start going well, until…
Key Scene 4: Turning Point – Protagonist faces their lowest low.
SCENE 1 React/Rethink the new reality revealed by MidPoint
BEGINNING – Henry decides Santa chose him to help with the NP Problem. The mall Santa conduit – that was not an accident. He sees something in him that others don’t . Samwise disagrees. Credibility problem -You took Santa’s sleigh.
MIDDLE – The NP document – Henry has proof there is a problem. If only others could see it too.
END – Henry has to get document to his social media feed. Then others will believe.
KEY SCENE – 2 – Making a new plan
BEGINNING Henry has to finish getting his toy delivered. Time is running out to get the sleigh back. There is ONE special toy he must deliver – the lawyer’s son. Fulfill his promise.
MIDDLE – Henry will use Alfreda plan against him to his advantage – famous for stealing – now use his fame for the NP message.
END – Launch the plan in a BIG WAY ?? Where and How?
KEY Scene 3 – Things are going well until.
BEGINNING – Plan is going well, followers are growing.
MIDDLE – Alfreda goes against Santa’s wishes. Paints Henry as a prankster. Beliefs are split.
END – Alfreda is coming after Henry – In person – Snow Messenger in play. Document disappears.
KEY SCENE 4 – Turning Point – Protagonist faces new low.
BEGINNING – All toys delivered except one – special one found tucked away in the sleigh. Henry;’s plan accepted as a hoax. Samwise says it over. Henry’s done what he can. “You lost kid”
MIDDLE – Alfreda strikes back.
END – Henry is left no sleigh, no Samwise , one special package left, and Family’s Toy business reputation destroyed.
MIDDLE – Henry uses the NP document as proof there is a crisis at the NP. They need help to find a solution.
END – Henry post his proof on Social – followers skyrocket.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – SLEIGH – NIGHT
The sleigh glides over the Chicago Suburbs. Christmas lights adorn the houses below. It’s peaceful – for now. Toy cartons launch off the back of the sleigh.
HENRY
You said Mall Santa’s are conduits. What do you mean by that?
SAMWISE
Santa can’t everywhere. He has helpers. The mall Santa’s channel back to the NP, what the boys and girls are wanting for Christmas. It like a market survey.
HENRY
Is it two way channel?
SAMWISE
I suppose it can be. Why?
HENRY
I think Santa choose me to help him.
SAMWISE
Kid – You seen the NP, Does Santa look like he needs help?
HENRY
That’s just it. My dad taught me those closes to the problem don’t always see the solution. Maybe he wanted me to secretly come the North Pole. You said yourself you didn’t know why I was there.
SAMWISE
Until you stole his sleighHENRY
Accidentally.
SAMWISE
Say Santa wanted you to help him. Okay , with what?
Henry pulls out the document. As he hands it over to Samwise it nearly flies away. Samwise snatches it out of the air.
HENRY
With this – the North Pole melting. Your home is in danger. The tradition is dying.
SAMWISE
Oh that. We’re toast.
HENRY
Don’t say that!
SAMWISE
It an ice mountain. Temperature rise . Ice melts. End of story.
HENRY
A story – a story that must be told and I’m the one who’s going to do it!
SAMWISE
You think people will believe you Henry? They hate you!
HENRY
I have to try. Some people love me others believe in me. I can’t let them down.
-
Ed has completed Act 2 Draft 1
What I learned doing this assignment is using the process and structure of the four main scenes improved my story. These scenes have contributed to setting up Act 3, strengthen the character’s and provided more emotions than just plot.
ACT TWO – KEY SCENE # 1 HENRY’S REACTION TO TURNING POINT
INT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES – DAY
BEGINNING – Henry can’t believe Santa and the North Pole Exist. Samwise tries to calm him down.
MIDDLE – Henry wants to go home, where his screwed up life makes sense.
END – Henry Runs for the sleigh , get’ s in and it flies away with
EXT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Henry shakes off Samwise. He’s tired of being manhandled by the elf.
HENRY
Let me go. I’m not a child.
SAMWISE
You say that likes that’s a bad thing.
HENRY
None of this makes any sense. You seriously make toys here? My post. My post was on the screen in that room! That man in the red sport coat, that was…
SAMWISE
Santa Claus
HENRY
and he’s mad at me? I’m so screwed.
The pictures is becoming clearer for Henry. It’s unsettling.
SAMWISE
Yes, that’s the big guy. Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas. He has many names, but one job. He’s very tuned into social media, thanks to Alfreda.
HENRY
I don’t believe it! Don’t want to believe it. Every kid in the world won’t believe it.
SAMWISE
Everyone here does very good job so you and everyone else does believe- it. We have a certain image to maintain. Ageless, priceless, actually. We hate to see it tarnished.
Henry
Tarnished. I’m going to blow the roof of this place. Right to TMZ. Take me home, now!
SAMWISE
Just calm down. I’m working on that.
HENRY
No. Now. I want to go home. I have to tell my mother about this.
Henry agitated. He runs in and out of the reindeer stalls.
HENRY
Is there an airport near by?
SAMWISE
Afraid not. Just calm down. Maybe some hot chocolate and cookies? We have like millions of cookies. Wait – here.
INT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES -ELF BREAK ROOM – DAY
Samwise slips into small room. Single table, counter with coffee pot, stacks of cookies. A pot labeled HOT CHOCOLATE. Samwise pouts a mug full. He removes from his pocket a small vile labeled, FORGETFUL JUICE, a few drops in Henry’s hot chocolate will do it.
INT. NORTH POLE- REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Henry’s attention is drawn to two massive wooden doors. A crack of sunlight slips through them. On the other side is a commotion. Reindeer SNORTS, STOMPS, JINGLE BELLES, lot of JINLGE BELLS. There’s some muffled yelling of instructions.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – DAY
Henry pushes open the double doors. Outside, slanted silvery winter sunlight. On a plateau on the ice mountain a runway and control tower. Before him is the sleigh, deep red and gold, sleek, garnished with tinsel garland. Latched to it with reigns of black and silver, are twelve magnificent reindeer.
HENRY
I wish I had my phone.
Vanguard is standing in the front seat of the sleigh. . He’s on the verge of panic but still in control. He’s yelling into a walkie talkie looking up at the control tower.
VENGARD
I said activate the GPS modulator after you upload the simulation package. Over?
We hear a undecipherable static filled reply.
VENGARD
Anything done right you got to do it yourself.
Vengard climbs down off the sleigh. He spots Henry on the tarmac.
VENGARD
You , stable elf, stay here and make sure no one touches anything.
Henry looks around. He’s the only one there. Vanguard runs off towards the control tower.
The sleigh is way too cool to pass up. Henry climbs aboard. There’s a dash board. Very high tech, dials and knobs, a touch screen displays a GPS map. The reindeer stir in anticipation of flight.
INT. INT. NORTH POLE- REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Samwise carries a tray of the spiked hot chocolate and cookies. His concern quickly grows with the absence of Henry and the hanger doors open.
SAMWISE
No. No. No. Not the sleigh. Henry!
Samwise drops the tray and runs out of the stable.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – DAY
Henry’s reading across the dashboard.
HENRY
Roof landing mode, toy dispensing methods, sounds. Sounds?
Henry pushes a button. A load HO, HO, HO emits from a speaker below the sleigh.
HENRY
Get out.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
The Ho, Ho, Ho gets the attention of Vengard and the elves in the Control tower.
VENGARD
Who is that? Don’t touch mean don’t touch.
Through binocular POV, Vengard watches Henry touch stuff. Beyond we see Samwise running widely towards Henry and the sleigh.
VENGARD
Don’t touch the reins. For the love of Northern Lights don’t touch the reins.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry has reached the end exploring the dash board. Laid over the top, hanging down into the cockpit are the reindeer reigns. Supple waxed leather and silver studs. Henry has to pick them up.
EXT. NORTH POLE RUNWAY – DAY
Samwise is nearly there. He’s gased from running. He anticipating Henry’s next move.
SAMWISE
Henry, Don’t touch the…
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Before Samwise could finish yelling “reigns” Henry lifts them up. He wraps them around his wrists. He looks over the reindeer lined up obediently in front of him. He gives them a quick snap.
HENRY
Yah!
Much to Henry’s surprise the reindeer begin to trot down the runway. The sleigh jolts forward. Fast and faster. Samwise swings in behind it. His hand inches away from the sleigh runner. He stretches for it just out of reach.
HENRY
Whoo Hoo!
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
Vengard watches in shock as the sleigh and his career careen down the runway. He lifts a glass enclosed case and pushes a button. Alarms RING , SIRENS BLARE and warning LIGHTS flash everywhere.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Samwise chasing the sleigh, gaining on it in by inch. The lead reindeer leave the ground, then the next two, then the next two, all the up the the last set then, in a flash of sparks trailing off the runners, Samwise latches on just as the the sleigh takes flight.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
With Henry at the reigns the sleigh is barely in control. It zooms in and around the mountain jagged ice. A quick turn the runner slices off a hunk of ice. Samwise is tossed and around the back empty cargo bay. For Henry, this is magical beyond belief.
Henry pulls the reigns tightly to the right. The sleigh makes a U-Turn back towards the Castle.
The reindeer respond. The sleigh zips through the air at incredible speed, heading directly for the control tower.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
Alarms and lights and panic. Vengard on the phone yelling.
VENGARD
Rogue sleigh, I repeat we have a rogue sleigh.
He looks up, through the window the sleigh zooming right for him. He tucks under the table just as the sleigh buzzes past the tower.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry opens his eyes, amazed the sleigh did not crash in to the tower.
HENRY
That was close.
Samwise makes his way to the front seat. With a flip and bump he lands next to Henry.
SAMWISE
I am so fired.
HENRY
Here, take the reigns, get us down.
SAMWISE
I can’t.
HENRY
What go you mean, you can’t? Here take them.
Henry tries to remove the reigns from his wrists and hands. That won’t come off.
HENRY
Hey.
SAMWISE
Vengard’s new security protocol. When you snapped the reigns they imprinted on you as the Sleigh Master. The sleigh only responds to you until the is shut off.
HENRY
Well shut it off.
SAMWISE
Only Alfreda can.
The sleigh zooms around circling the castle.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
ALfreda, Santa Claus and the senior managers continue their boring meeting. A ELF drones on about PROJECT (AcronymNeed)
ELF
In terms of time, we are looking at no more than two seasons at the most.
The elf continues to speak but Elf’s attention is drawn to the window. The other managers follow the elf along with Santa then Alfreda. They all stand and watch as Santa’s Sleigh, zooms right for the conference room window. It draws closer and closer.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry pulls the reigns left and right and up and down. The sleigh twist and turns. Samwise is turning green. Holding back the motion sickness. The castle and conference window loam ahead.
SAMWISE
Pull up, pull up.
Henry pulls up the sleigh dives down.
SAMWISE
No, the sleigh up. The reigns go down.
Henry stuggles to understand.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
The senior managers take cover behind chairs, except Alfreda, she stands defiantly in front of the window. The sleigh collision is fractions of a second away.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
The castle and conference window is dead ahead. Alfreda Cleary visible standing guard. Henry pulls the reigns down just in time for the sleigh to pull up zooming over the window and castle. Samwise vomits. The contents splatter across the outside of the conference room window. The sleigh runner clips a pennant of off the tower.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Alfreda gets a very good look at Henry on the reigns and Samwise vomiting. She snarls. She turns to the managing staff and barks.
ALFREDA
Get up! Is that how you protect Kris you cowards?
The executive staff look to the head of the table. The chair once occupied by Kris is empty. Alfreda marches out of the room.
EXT. NORTH POLE – SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
The sleigh sails away from the castle
HENRY
So what do we do just circle around up here until somebody fixes this thing?
SAMWISE
Basically shouldn’t take long. By now Alfreda breathing down Vengard’s neck.
Two days before Christmas, this is not good.
HENRY
I just wish I could go home.
SAMWISE
Noooo.
The sleigh banks left, it sores higher into the sky. In a flash of gold, it’s gone.
INT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
Panic room. In the center of the chaos Vengard and his team bounce between computers and and blue prints. Alfreda body language more impatient by the minute.
Santa Claus sits calmly behind his desk facing the window behind him smoking a pipe. Smoke swirls decoratively around his head. He watches water dripping off the ice. A chuck cracks off, sliding down the mountain. Santa grimaces at the sight. He swirls around in his chair.
SANTA CLAUS
How we doing guys?
The room quiets down.
VENGARD
The sleigh not responding to any of our commands. The sleigh master program appears to have gone off-line.
Alfeda
Do we have a lock on the location.
VENGARD
Negative.
Santa glances at the clock.
SANTA CLAUS
In regards to this situation we have hours, elves, not days. Hours. I’ve never missed a Christmas. This is no time to start.
He swings around back to the window.
VENGARD
Yes sir.
Vengard gets urgently back to work. Alfreda and Santa Clause acknowledge with out saying the situation is bleak. Additional measures maybe necessary.
EXT. SEATTLE CITY SKYLINE – SUNSET
Henry guides the sleigh around and over the buildings.
SAMWISE
This is home?
HENRY
Yep. But how?
SAMWISE
You wished you were home. As Sleigh Master the sleigh obeyed.
Henry
Gnarly.
SAMWISE
You speak a language I don’t understand.
Henry
Elves don’t surf.
SAMWISE
Elves make toys. Sit this thing down. We have to talk.
The sleigh sails over the sound. The Space Needle loams in the distance.
EXT. SEATTLE – TOP OF THE SPACE NEEDLE – SUNRISE
The city is lated out before them. The sunrise proving a magical glow. Enchanting even.
SAMWISE
This is America?
HENRY
It is.
SAMWISE
Beautiful.
Henry
You’ve never seen it?
SAMWISE I’ve never left the North Pole. None of have. It’s our home, at least for now. it’s our everything. And now you’ve placed that all in jeopardy.
Henry
Me?
Samwise
Yes you. What you think there are endless supply of reindeer and sleighs standing by? This it it. Kid. The old reindeer are out to pasture and the sleigh been decommissioned.
You don’t realize what you’ve done. You don’t know Alfreda like I do. She’ll destroy you.
SAMWISE
I told you don’t move. You move. I told you don’t touch, you touch.
You’re like a child.
HENRY
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
A BEAT
HENRY
Tell me about Alfreda.
SAMWISE
Santa’s go to elf. She’s a legend and ruthless. She went from stable elf the Head Elf faster than any elf. She smart. Life at the North Pole was looking bleak. Kids stop writing letters to Santa. They sent emails, trouble was we could receive emails. Alfreda figured that out. Santa was feeling left behind, forgotten. Then everyone switched to online shopping, no one went to the malls anymore. Santa wasn’t getting the feedback.
Henry
You mean Mall Santas are real?
SAMWISE
They’re what’s called conduits. Old fashioned social media. That was Alfreda other big move. She made Santa popular again. Launching his feeds and posts. He was connected again. He felt loved. We had to catch up. And here we are sitting on a stolen sleigh in Seattle the day before Christmas Eve.
HENRY
My dad’s company was the same way. We held onto the stores. He was sure kids and their parents liked to go shopping. Online sales were killing us. So he was forced to commit to the fulfillment center. Now we’re broke. I feel bad for the kids. I promised them I’d delver before Christmas. Show that nasty lawyer Christmas can’t be stopped by litigation.
SAMWISE
Now you sound like an adult. Maybe that is bad thing.
Henry looks over the sleigh in particular the empty cargo bay behind them.
HENRY
How long you think before they find us?
SAMWISE
Anytime kid. If not you be the most infamous kid in the world. Why?
HENRY
I got an idea.
EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – DAY
Henry guides the sleigh out of the city and into the suburbs.
EXT. SEATTLE SUBURBS – DAY
Below roads and rooftops. The homes of working class. Neat, tidy. Small. Henry guides the sleigh over them slowly. He leans over trying to get a better look.
SAMWISE
You mind telling me what you’re doing.
HENRY
Dude, chillax, okay.
Henry looks closer. He’s sees what he’s come for.
HENRY
There!
EXT. DARRYL’S HOUSE – ROOF – DAY
On the roof top of a small house, Darryl, is on the roof, repairing shingles. He wears a SANTA HAT. Henry, Samwise and the reindeer sleigh glide in silently above him.
HENRY
Darryl! Darryl!
Darryl stops his hammering. He looks around confused as to who would be calling him and from where.
EXT. SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
The sleigh hover just above the house. Henry gives the reindeer a command.
HENRY
Jingle.
The reindeer bob and shake the heads. Jingle bells ring out. Darryl spins. He’s flabbergasted. He nearly slips and falls off the roof.
INTERCUT SLEIGH AND DARRYL ON ROOF
HENRY
It’s me, Henry
Darryl regains his bearings. He climbs to the peak of the roof for a better view at what he does not believe is true.
HENRY
This is Samwise. He’s an elf.
DARRYL
Uh Huh.
SAMWISE
You can’t help pointing that out.
HENRY
We don’t have much time . We need you help.
DARRYL
Uh-Huh.
HENRY
(To Samwise)
See I knew he’d help
EXT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
The sleigh glides above the empty parking lot. A large overhead door on the backside of the building rises slowly.
HENRY
There!
Henry guides the sleigh over the building, does a u-turn and heads for the door opening.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
Henry leads the reindeer and the sleigh through the overhead door and into the building. JINGLING rings out. Once they are completely inside Darryl clicks the button next to the door. The door begins to close behind them.
HENRY
Down, Down now. Land.
The reindeer land the sleigh in a wide aisle between the storage racks and packing stations. The building is quiet, dark. Pallets of packed toy parcels surround them. Samwise looks over the massive building in awe.
SAMWISE
That’s a lot of toys.
Darryl takes the sleigh and reindeer in, slowly walking along marveling. One the the reindeer snorts, Darryl jumps back.
HENRY
They won’t hurt you.
Darryl made his was around the sleigh and comes alongside Samwise. He stares amazingly at the elf.
SAMWISE
Not polite to stare – dude
Henry smiles.
DARRYL
Why are you dressed like an elf?
SAMWISE
I’m an Elf.
DARRYL
Not you. Henry Elf
HENRY
Long story. We don’t have much time Darryl.
DARRYL
You know this is going to get me fired.
SAMWISE
That’s what he does.
Henry jumps down from the sleigh.
Darryl gets on his forklift and maneuvers one of the pallet of toys behind the sleigh. Henry starts unloading the cartons off of the pallet onto the sleigh. Darryl joins in and helps. Samwise looks on. Shaking his head.
SAMWISE
Excuse me. Humans, are all these toys going on the sleigh.
HENRY
As many was we can fit. I’m delivering them like I promised. And then we taking the sleigh back to the North Pole in time for Santa to do his thing.
DARRYL
Santa? Do his thing?
HENRY
Of course Darryl. Whose sleigh you think this is?
DARRYL
You jacked Santa Claus’s Sleigh?
HENRY
Accidentally
DARRYL
My man!
Darryl and Henry exchange their special hand shake. The two continue to load the cartons.
DARRYL
You going to help little elf?
SAMWISE
All elves are little! And little does not equate too small, which is in stature not effectiveness.
DARRYL
Ornery pint size bro.
HENRY
You have no idea.
SAMWISE
Stand back you two.
Samwise runs his fingers over the sleek dashboard. Wherever he touches there’s blinking and flashing lights. All of the cartons around the sleigh begin to vibrate. Darryl and Henry step away.
The vibrating cartons rise off the pallets. They levitate for a split second. In unison they all gravitate to the sleigh and start stacking into the cargo area. So fast they become a blur. Within seconds they are all loaded. Magically they all fit.
HENRY
You’ve been holding out on me. You know how to operate the sleigh.
SAMWISE
I know some of the features. I can’t fly it. Only you can.
HENRY (to Darryl)
I’m the Sleigh Master.
DARRYL
Dope.
Henry get’s back in the sleigh and takes the reins.
SAMWISE
What you going to do just fly around and drop off packages.
HENRY
Yes,
SAMWISE
Okay.
Henry wraps the reins around his wrist. He gives them a snap – nothing. The reindeer don’t respond. Henry does it again. A little harder.
HENRY
Yah!
SAMWISE
Yah?
HENRY
What ’s the matter? Why won’t they fly. Come on, fly!
I command you to fly, soar, launch,. I am the sleigh master!
SAMWISE
Obedience is not blind. Respect is not given.
Henry is drawing a blank.
Samwise
Have you heard the one about the Eskimo and the polar bear?
(Moral of the the story (to be written), sometimes you have to fool others rather than be foolish.)
Henry gets it now and ask Darryl for his Santa hat. Henry removes his elf hat replacing with with the Santa hat. Now the reindeer recognize the sleigh full of presents and Santa like Sleigh Master to obey.
The sleigh zooms out of the fulfillment center into the sky over Seattle.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO SKYLINE – DAY
The sleigh zooms under the golden gate bridge heading the city across the bay.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – VICTORIAN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Henry guides the over the lovely Victorian homes. Samwise taps of few buttons on the sleigh dash. Cartons pop out one after another from of the sleigh gently falling to the homes below. Samwise is impressed by the beauty of the place.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – VICTORIAN HOME – DAY
A parcel lands on the steps. A door opens. A little girl picks up the parcel. She reads the label and smiles brightly running back inside.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – MALIBU COAST – DAY
The sleigh zooms down the Malibu coast. Intermittent Cartons jumps off the sleigh to the beach home below. Samwise heads back enjoying the sunshine on his face. Surfers ride the waves. Henry tugs on the Samwise sleeve pointing down at the rider.
HENRY
Surfing.
Henry demonstrated the surfing symbol with his hand. Samwise imitates it.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DRIVE THROUGH – DAY
A car pulls up to the window at fast food drive through lane . Behind the car on the ground is. the of reindeer and the sleigh. The car drives away then the reindeer march ahead until the sleigh arrives at the window.
Spectators gather around immediately snapping photos with their phones. A mother directs her child to stand in front of the sleigh and clicks her photo. They waste no time posting to their social media feeds.
SAMWISE
What’s everyone doing?
HENRY
Exactly what I hoped they do.
A spectator gets close to the sleigh for a photo. Henry holds up a sign made from a cardboard box. In marker: @HENRYPLOVESTOYS, #PromiseKept, #SavePelznikel. Henry flashed a peace sign. Samwise joins in with the surfing hand gesture.
The fast food window slides open. The worker, tried and true Angeleno, not the least bit phased by the sight, hands over the food and drinks. Henry snaps the reins and the sleigh moves on. Another car pulls up.
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
The countdown clock now only a day away. The chaos has subsided. It’s like a wake. Elves quietly going about their business. Santa watches over them. Action is called for. This can’t be how it all ends.
Alfreda joins Santa. She is eager to be of use.
SANTA CLAUS
Any updates?
ALFREDA
No.
SANTA CLAUS
I won’t miss Christmas.
ALFREDA
There are other methods.
SANTA CLAUS
I’ve never doubted you. Can you be – Subtle?
ALFREDA
It’s a delicate matter but there are those willing to help us.
An elf leaves a cubicle. Weeping.
SANTA CLAUS
Do it. Bring back my sleigh.
Alfreda spins on her heels holding in her enjoyment.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – MULHOLLAND DRIVE OVERLOOK – SUNSET
The reindeer munch on the brush along side the roadway. Below the city lites twinkle, millions of stars. Henry and Samwise munching and slurping away on shakes.
SAMWISE
What is this called?
HENRY
Burgers and fries.
SAMWISE
Beats herring and cabbage any day.
Henry gags at the thought. Samwise belches.
INT. NORTH POLE – ALFREDA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
A bank of monitors. Alfreda taps away at the keyboard.
INSERT
Posts from the drive through click across the screen.
Alfreda taps a few more screens. Just like that she has what’s she looking for.
ALFREDA
Henry Pelznikel.
INSERT
A few more key strokes. A list titled: NAUGHTY LIST scrolls down the screen. Names alphabetical.
SUPER: A Online meeting. Alfreda’s the host. She’s joined by faces from around he globe. They are the Naughty List.
ALFREDA
We have an understanding then. Anyone who stops and catches the sleigh will be removed from the Naughty List and and reinstated on the NICE list, in perpetuity without regard for any all past of future malfeasance. Is that clear?
All the voices speak as one with assurance of acceptance and agreement.
ALFREDA
Good. Here is who we are after. The elf is mine. I don’t care what happens to Pelznikel.
INSERT Photos from the fast food lane- @HenryPLovesToys appear.
Back to Alfreda at desk. She clicks SEND.
Alfreda clicks off. Quite proud of herself.
EXT – SCREENS
An explosion of social media posts. #SaveChristmasStopHenryP. #PelznikelSucks.
EXT. LAS VEGAS – NIGHT
The sleigh rises over the mountains. Ahead, in the darkness the glow of Las Vegas.
SAMWISE
Wow! What’s that?
HENRY
You’ll see.
EXT. LAS VEGAS – THE STRIP – NIGHT
Henry guides the sleigh through the towers of the resorts. Samwise leans over for a look, trying to take it all in. It’s overwhelming.
The sleigh leaves a resort and turns directly onto the strip. Giant electric Christmas trees and stars are planted along the resorts. The billboards flash. The canyon of glitz and glitter before them.
At first it appears breathtaking. The billboards, flash MERRY CHRISTMAS, Upcoming New Year Eves shows. Henry sees it first. That’s him and Samwise , pictures thirty feet tall!
HENRY
Look. We’re famous!
Samwise sees it next.
HENRY
I told you my plan would work. People love me.
Then the giant signs spell it out for them. Messages after their photos. #SaveChristmasStopHenryP. #PelznikelSucks.
SAMWISE
This is Alfreda’s work. Get us out of here, quick!
But not quick enough. From a resort roof top the bang of canons. Grappling hooks with strong ropes attached soar through the air directly for the sleigh.
Henry pulls up the reins. The sleigh climbs but not fast enough. One hook shoot from a sign tower snags one of the runners. The sleigh banks tightly to the right.
HENRY
I think we’re in trouble.
With the sleigh anchored to sign the sleigh spins in circles. With each circle the sleigh comes closer and closer to the sign. Henry’s face becomes large and larger. Cartons fly out the back of the sleigh.
HENRY
Samwise, what do we do? I don’t like this. Get me off of here!
SAMWISE
You got to climb down there and release the hook.
HENRY
I can’t! It’s too high.
The sleigh continues to circles at a dizzying rate. Samwise takes action. He climbs over the cargo bay. Leans over. The grappling hooks on the far back rudder.
Samwise climbs down to the rudder. He shimmies across, hand over hand to the end. He reaches but not far enough. The hooks feet away not inches.
SAMWISE
I can’t reach it. You have to go from your side Henry
Henry Looks down. The ground circling a crowd gathers picking up the spilled cartons . He’s billboard picture now massive. #SaveChristmasStopHenryP ten feet tall.
HENRY
I can’t. It’s too dangerous.
SAWISE
Will crash if you don’t.
Henry tries to steer the reindeer in the opposite direction. The can’t go that way. Samwise starts swinging his legs for momentum to make the jump across from his runner to the other side runner. Swing, swing, and release.
Samwise snatches the runner with one hand. He pulls himself up just in front of the hook.
SAMWISE
Henry, slow the sleigh down.
The sleigh is perilously close to the sign. There are three figures all dressed in black standing by to take the sleigh. The speed increasing not decreasing.
SAMWISE
Slow down!
Henry understands.
HENRY
Whoa reindeer who.
The reindeer slow up. Just enough for some slack in the rope. Samwise releases the grappling hook. The sleigh immediately responds crack the whip style zipping off towards a resort tower. Samwise is jerk from his search, hanging on by his fingers.
INT. LAS VEGAS RESORT – PENTHOUSE NIGHT CLUB
The sleigh is on a collision course. People on the rood scream. Others have their phones out capturing all the action.
EXT. LAS VEGAS – THE STRIP – NIGHT
Henry fights to gain control. The lights and the techno beat of the club dead ahead. Below Henry Samwise made his way over underneath Henry.
SAMWISE
Kid Kid Help me.
Henry looks down, Samwise hanging on for dear life. The immediate crash seconds away. Henry takes the reins from left and transfers them to the right. He leans over as far as he can but its not enough. Another foot is needed to pull Samwise aboard. Do or die time.
Henry with the reins in his right hand commands the sleigh. He steps out of the seat placing his feet in the runner. With all his strength he gets a hold of Samwise and pulls him up not before he snatched a champagne bottle off a table.
Samwise falls over into the cargo hold. Safe! He recovers just in time to look up and see the penthouse night club. He scream!
Henry back in the seat. Pulls the reins the sleigh swooshes past the nightclub. The runner slicing across Santa Claus ice sculpture. Patron of the club recover from ducking excited over what they just video taped. #OnlyinLasVegas.
INT. LAS VEGAS NEWS STATION – NIGHT
A crystal clear weather radar screen. Local bored TV METEOROLOGIST takes a sip of coffee. Swallow interrupted by a tiny blip on the radar. The meteorologist self-importance and excitement multiplies.
The meteorologist picks up the cell phone. Thumbs fly. A ring on the other end.
METEREOROLOGIST
Alfreda? Yes, its me. I have them.
A finger on the radar screen tracks the small blip.
ACT TWO MIDPOINT
EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE – NIGHT
Henry has the sleigh parked on top of Mount Rushmore. The presidential heads a glow below them. Shafts of light from the floods slash through the darkness.
Samwise swigging away at the champagne bottle he swiped from the Vegas night club. Henry’s looking over the document he picked with his collision with the North Pole Elf.
HENRY
Drink, much?
SAMWISE
NP Christmas party’s are legendary
He takes another gulp, offers the bottle to Henry. He declines.
SAMWISE
Who are these guys?
HENRY
Former presidents. You don’t know much do you?
SAMWISE
You know how reindeer fly?
Henry is dumbfounded. Point taken. Samwise continues drinking not offering any insights.
HENRY
That’s it. You going to leave me hanging? I saved you life.
SAMWISE
I saved both our lives. You froze back there like a little fuzzy penguin chick. Oh, I’m so scared
I can’t do it.
HENRY
That’s not fair.
SAMWISE
It’s not fair I’m here. My future ruined. You got your whole life ahead of you kid.
That’s the beauty of being young. If you screw up you have the luxury of time to fix it.
Henry
I nearly died.
SAMWISE
The sleigh wasn’t going to crash.
HENRY
I don’t mean that. When I was younger I was surfing. I wiped out and went under
Caught in a wave. I didn’t come up. I was in a coma for days .
HENRY & SAMWWISE
And my mom asked the the mall Santa And my mom asked the mall Santa to save
To save my life my life.
HENRY
How do you know that?
SAMWISE
Kid that story is North Pole history and lore.
Everyone was balling over it.
HENRY
So you know who I am? Everyone does?
SAMWISE
We do.
HENRY
What’s project X?
SAMWISE
Relocation of the North Pole. In case you didn’t notice during your rampage It’s melting. Yep, Our home is slowly sliding off the mountain.
SAMWISE
Look out there. You can go anywhere and anywhere you go it’s beautiful. You’r so lucky. We are North Pole elves, Henry. It’s all we ever known. Elves are terrified at the thought of existing anywhere else.
HENRY
How much time do you have?
SAMWISE
Couple more Christmas’s at the most.
HENRY
Then no more Christmas?
SAMWISE
There will always be a Christmas.
HENRY
We have to do something. Christmas is the North Pole
SAMWISE
Kid , Santa is the North Pole. Elves are the North Pole
Christmas is forever. We’re barely hanging on to relevancy.
HENRY
You’re wrong. You just don’t care because your ‘
Out of there.
SAMWISE
No thanks to you.
SAMWISE
How many toys are left?
Henry looks into the cargo area.
HENRY
Not many.
SAMWISE
We better get on with it then. What happened in Vegas won’t stay there for long.
Henry amused Samwise does know more than he lets on. Henry takes the reins. Gives them a snap. The sleigh lifts off leaving the stoic faces of Mount Rushmore behind.
Henry
So you going to tell me how these reindeer can fly?
SAMWISE
Where’s our next stop?
HENRY
Cleveland
SAMWISE
I am not going to Cleveland.
The sleigh flies off into the darkness.
(HENRY TAKES OFFENSIVE)
EXT. CELL PHONE STORE
The sleigh parked on the roof of a strip mall. In hiding. Below them a cell phone store. Samwise on look out. Nervous. Henry climbs over the ladder back onto the roof and into the sleigh
SAMWISE
You get it?
Henry pops a new cell phone out of a box.
SAMWISE
This is stupid.
Henry starts scanning the the North Pole Document.
INSERT
Post @ HenryPLovesToys. North Pole is melting. They need our help. #HelpNorthPole, #
HENRY
Collective mind.
The sleigh takes off.
INT. NEW STATION – NIGHT
It’s the feel good story of the day. One not to be taken too seriously.
ANCHOR
We have this Christmas news. The North Pole is melting
Yes it appears climate change has reached the North Pole
Leaked documents show contingency plans on relocating the North Pole.
CO-ANCHOR
Let’s hope those elves can swim.
Silly laughter before the sign Off. .
EXT. CLEVELAND – NIGHT
It’s cold, bleak. Steel mill blast furnace flames mixed among the swirling snow.
EXT. CLEVELAND CITY HALL STEPS – NIGHT
A podium full of microphones. MAYOR, political opportunities no matter what the odds, braced against the wind and snow. Behind the mayor loyal supporters and other dignitaries.
MAYOR
What better location for the North Pole to relocate than Cleveland. Being on
The North Coast of America it a natural fit. Call us Santa, let’s talk relocation.
INT. TEXAS GOVERNOR’S OFFICE
TEXAS GOVERNOR, surrounded by Stenson wearing patriots. Microphones laid out across the desk.
GOVERNOR
Let me state for the record the great state of Texas welcome the The North Pole with open arms, of Course as long as they don’t bring Their North Pole values with them.
The Governor beams duplicitous smile. . Chuckles all around. Off screen reporters yell follow up questions.
EXT. MIAMI FLORIDA – BEACH – DAY
A unidentified Florida representative, tanned, bright white teeth speaks from the delightful palm tree lined white sand beach
FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE
Sunshine , beaches , Florida has it all. South Beach perfect
Location for the North Pole.
INT. NORTH POLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Alfreda helps Santa Claus getting suited up. A fake jelly belly strapped to his waste. Gone is corporate casual, replaced with the traditional red suite.
SANTA CLAUS
You are that confident.
ALFREDA
We have a lock on the sleigh
Several flat screen television beam the North Pole relocation news clips.
SANTA CLAUS
News travels fast.
ALFREDA
It shouldn’t be traveling at all. That’s the problem
SANTA CLAUS
You surprise me Alfreda. Your embrace of social media brought us here . All those post, likes, shares, like the falling snowflakes. It is working to our advantage is it not?
Alfreda stops. The glint of a brilliant idea in her eyes.
ALFREDA
Yes, of course. I should have thought of this sooner.
Alfreda races out of the office leaving Santa wondering just how far she will go.
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Ed’s Act Two MidPoint.
What I learned doing this assignment is the midpoint is just not a plot twist. There is the strong emotional connection between the plot twist and the protagonist new calling. The added combination provides deeper meaning without changing the overall trajectory of the characer’s journey placed in motion in Act One.
OUTLINE
Beginning. Henry and Samwise reflect and argue over their narrow escape, who is to blame who takes the most credit? Henry wants to know how Reindeer fly Samwise plays dumb
Middle – Henry is surprised to learn the North Pole knows and were all touched by his mother’s wish for him and his brush with death.
End – Samwise reveals the North Pole has a huge problem. Henry feels he must help them with this problem – but how? Samwise teases he may tell Henry the secret how Reindeer can fly.
-
Ed’s Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how much these scenes help cover the dreaded Act 2 doldrums with entertaining scenes that propel the story forward with elevated drama and deeper character reveals than I ever written before.
-
Ed’s Act 2 Reaction Scene.
What I learned doing this assignment is how wonderful the reaction scene works. It’s so natural and great bridge into Act 2. In past screenplays I’ve never wrote this scene. yes, it is a fun scene to write. Much more insight into characters state of mind and how the next scene unfolds because of the motivation illustrated. Cool.
T TWO – KEY SCENE # 1 HNERY’S REACTION TO TURNING POINT
INT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES – DAY
BEGINNING – Henry can’t believe Santa and the North Pole Exist. Samwise tries to calm him down.
MIDDLE – Henry wants to go home, where his screwed up life makes sense.
END – Henry Runs for the sleigh , get’ s in and it flies away with
EXT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Henry shakes off Samwise. He’s tired of being manhandled by the elf.
HENRY
Let me go. I’m not a child.
SAMWISE
You say that likes that’s a bad thing.
HENRY
None of this makes any sense. You seriously make toys here? My post. My post was on the screen in that room! That man in the red sport coat, that was…and he’s mad at me? I’m so screwed.
The pictures is becoming clearer for Henry. It’s unsettling.
SAMWISE
Yes, that’s the big guy. Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas. He has many names, but one job. He’s very tuned into social media, thanks to Alfreda.
HENRY
I don’t believe it! Don’t want to believe it. Every kid in the world won’t believe it.
SAMWISE
Everyone here does very good job so you and everyone else does believe- it. We have a certain image to maintain. Ageless, priceless, actually. We hate to see it tarnished.
Henry
Tarnished. I’m going to blow the roof of this place. Right to TMZ. Take me home, now!
SAMWISE
Just calm down. I’m working on that.
HENRY
No. Now. I want to go home. I have to tell my mother about this.
Henry agitated. He runs in and out of the reindeer stalls.
HENRY
Is there an airport near by?
SAMWISE
Afraid not. Just calm down. Maybe some hot chocolate and cookies? We have like millions of cookies. Wait – here.
INT. NORTH POLE – REINDEER STABLES -ELF BREAK ROOM – DAY
Samwise slips into small room. Single table, counter with coffee pot, stacks of cookies. A pot labeled HOT CHOCOLATE. Samwise pouts a mug full. He removes from his pocket a small vile labeled, FORGETFUL JUICE, a few drops in Henry’s hot chocolate will do it.
INT. NORTH POLE- REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Henry’s attention is drawn to two massive wooden doors. A crack of sunlight slips through them. On the other side is a commotion. Reindeer SNORTS, STOMPS, JINGLE BELLES, lot of JINLGE BELLS. There’s some muffled yelling of instructions.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – DAY
Henry pushes open the double doors. Outside, slanted silvery winter sunlight. On a plateau on the ice mountain a runway and control tower. Before him is the sleigh, deep red and gold, sleek, garnished with tinsel garland. Latched to it with reigns of black and silver, are twelve magnificent reindeer.
HENRY
I wish I had my phone.
Vanguard is standing in the front seat of the sleigh. . He’s on the verge of panic but still in control. He’s yelling into a walkie talkie looking up at the control tower.
VENGARD
I said activate the GPS modulator after you upload the simulation package. Over?
We hear a undecipherable static filled reply.
VENGARD
Anything done right you got to do it yourself.
Vengard climbs down off the sleigh. He spots Henry on the tarmac.
VENGARD
You , stable elf, stay here and make sure no one touches anything.
Henry looks around. He’s the only one there. Vanguard runs off towards the control tower.
The sleigh is way too cool to pass up. Henry climbs aboard. There’s a dash board. Very high tech, dials and knobs, a touch screen displays a GPS map. The reindeer stir in anticipation of flight.
INT. INT. NORTH POLE- REINDEER STABLES – DAY
Samwise carries a tray of the spiked hot chocolate and cookies. His concern quickly grows with the absence of Henry and the hanger doors open.
SAMWISE
No. No. No. Not the sleigh. Henry!
Samwise drops the tray and runs out of the stable.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – DAY
Henry’s reading across the dashboard.
HENRY
Roof landing mode, toy dispensing methods, sounds. Sounds?
Henry pushes a button. A load HO, HO, HO emits from a speaker below the sleigh.
HENRY
Get out.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
The Ho, Ho, Ho gets the attention of Vengard and the elves in the Control tower.
VENGARD
Who is that? Don’t touch mean don’t touch.
Through binocular POV, Vengard watches Henry touch stuff. Beyond we see Samwise running widely towards Henry and the sleigh.
VENGARD
Don’t touch the reins. For the love of Northern Lights don’t touch the reins.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry has reached the end exploring the dash board. Laid over the top, hanging down into the cockpit are the reindeer reigns. Supple waxed leather and silver studs. Henry has to pick them up.
EXT. NORTH POLE RUNWAY – DAY
Samwise is nearly there. He’s gased. He anticipating Henry’s next move.
SAMWISE
Henry. No! Don’t touch the…
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Before Samwise could finish yelling “reigns” Henry lifts them up. He wraps them around his wrists. He looks over the reindeer lined up obediently in front of him. He gives them a quick snap.
HENRY
Yah!
Much to Henry’s surprise the reindeer begin to trot down the runway. The sleigh jolts forward. Fast and faster. Samwise swings in behind it. His hand inches away from the sleigh runner. He stretches for it just out of reach.
HENRY
Whoo Hoo!
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
Vengard watches in shock as the sleigh and his career careen down the runway. He lifts a glass enclosed case and pushes a button. Alarms RING , SIRENS BLARE and warning LIGHTS flash everywhere.
EXT. NORTH POLE – RUNWAY – SLEIGH – DAY
Samwise chasing the sleigh, gaining on it in by inch. The lead reindeer leave the ground, then the next two, then the next two, all the up the the last set then, in a flash of sparks trailing off the runners, Samwise latches on just as the the sleigh takes flight.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
With Henry at the reigns the sleigh is barely in control. It zooms in and around the mountain jagged ice. A quick turn the runner slices off a hunk of ice. Samwise is tossed and around the back empty cargo bay. For Henry, this is magical beyond belief.
Henry pulls the reigns tightly to the right. The sleigh makes a U-Turn back towards the Castle.
The reindeer respond. The sleigh zips through the air at incredible speed, heading directly for the control tower.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONTROL TOWER – DAY
Alarms and lights and panic. Vengard on the phone yelling.
VENGARD
Rogue sleigh, I repeat we have a rogue sleigh.
He looks up, through the window the sleigh zooming right for him. He tucks under the table just as the sleigh buzzes past the tower.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry opens his eyes, amazed the sleigh did not crash in to the tower.
HENRY
That was close.
Samwise makes his way to the front seat. With a flip and bump he lands next to Henry.
SAMWISE
I am so fired.
HENRY
Here, take the reigns, get us down.
SAMWISE
I can’t.
HENRY
What go you mean, you can’t? Here take them.
Henry tries to remove the reigns from his wrists and hands. That won’t come off.
HENRY
Hey.
SAMWISE
Vengard’s new security protocol. When you snapped the reigns they imprinted on you as the Sleigh Master. The sleigh only responds to you until the is shut off.
HENRY
Well shut it off.
SAMWISE
Only Alfreda can.
The sleigh zooms around circling the castle.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
ALfreda, Santa Claus and the senior managers continue their boring meeting. A ELF drones on about PROJECT (AcronymNeed)
ELF
In terms of time, we are looking at no more than two seasons at the most.
The elf continues to speak but Elf’s attention is drawn to the window. The other managers follow the elf along with Santa then Alfreda. They all stand and watch as Santa’s Sleigh, zooms right for the conference room window. It draws closer and closer.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
Henry pulls the reigns left and right and up and down. The sleigh twist and turns. Samwise is turning green. Holding back the motion sickness. The castle and conference window loam ahead.
SAMWISE
Pull up, pull up.
Henry pulls up the sleigh dives down.
SAMWISE
No, the sleigh up. The reigns go down.
Henry stuggles to understand.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
The senior managers take cover behind chairs, except Alfreda, she stands defiantly in front of the window. The sleigh collision is fractions of a second away.
EXT. NORTH POLE SKY – SLEIGH – DAY
The castle and conference window is dead ahead. Alfreda Cleary visible standing guard. Henry pulls the reigns down just in time for the sleigh to pull up zooming over the window and castle. Samwise vomits. The contents splatter across the outside of the conference room window. The sleigh runner clips a pennant of off the tower.
INT. NORTH POLE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Alfreda gets a very good look at Henry on the reigns and Samwise vomiting. She snarls. She turns to the managing staff and barks.
ALFREDA
Get up! Is that how you protect Kris you cowards?
The executive staff look to the head of the table. The chair once occupied by Kris is empty. Alfreda marches out of the room.
-
Ed Lusk’s Finished First Act
What I learned doing this assignment is how to speed write while constructing the structure writing the key scenes first. This facilitating writing then the supporting scenes and connecting the dots using the beat sheet.
OPENING SCENE
BEGINNING – Christmas music over montage of of online TOY ordering
MIDDLE – Blend to Online Posts – @HenryPelznikel
END – Packages on conveying system
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
BEGINNING the package from opening – pull back to The FC a crazy busy place, Christmas music , count down clock before Christmas. Cheerful yet employees working frantically
MIDDLE – Henry on the floor , taking pictures looking for selfie victims
END – Henry leaves scene – not well like / appreciated by employees – bosses kid syndrome
ALFREDA INTRODUCTION
INT. NORTH POLE – OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
BEGINNING – Typical business meeting , dark room, projector /screen, except they are elves.
MIDDLE – Alfreda speaking to data , Mystery man complimenting Alfreda – the rest of the room resentment.
END -Henry and Samwise enter – Reveal Santa Claus – President and CEO
SUPER: One phone screen. A thumb scrolls through toy listings. The phone screen multiples , enlarges into five phone screens filling the shot. They scrolling phones become so fast they might as well be slot machine wheels. They stop in slot machine order. A drone, doll house, video game, print camera, the last one, stops, a robot.
The robot screen, enlarges, the thumb presses SELECT, GIFT WRAP? YES, CONFIRM? Huge letters across the screen – THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
Joyful Christmas music. A single carton, the toy Robot, traverses a network of conveying belts. Above it all a large COUNTDOWN CLOCK to Christmas reads: 2 Days, twelve hours, fifty one minutes and nine seconds, then eight seconds , the 6 seconds.
The facility is massive network of pallet storage racks, forklifts, loading docks. Employees, adorned eld hats and Christmas necklaces, snatching toys from bins, boxing them up at lighting speed.
In the middle of it all, HENRY PELZNIKEL, 12. His father, and owner of the company, gave him the job of social media influencer during the Christmas break. Henry’s trying to making the most of the opportunity despite his lack of maturity.
Henry stops, snaps off a selfie with the countdown clock in the back ground.
SUPER: Henry’s social media post. @HenryPLovesToys. Henry’s photo with the clock. Text: No pressure, Pelznikel Toys has your back. #PleznikelToys, #ChristmasToys, #Christmas, #GotSantaBeat
INT. FULFILLMENT CENTER – PACKING STATION – DAY
An employee is busy filling orders – boxing up the robot toy. She’s dressed like and elf. Henry interrupts her frantic pace.
HENRY
How about a selfie for my blog?
ELF-LIKE EMPLOYEE
Sorry Henry, I got to pack them up and ship them out. Pelznikel toys is what’s it all about.
HENRY
Thanks, anyway. I’ll tell my dad you’re working really hard.
Henry leaves the employee wondering if that was a threat or a compliment.
Another employee pushes a cart of toys past Henry so quickly he doesn’t even get a chance to ask.
INT. FULFILLMENT CENTER – AISLE – DAY
There’s a forklift ahead, adorned with Christmas lights. It carriers a pallet of toy cartons on it. Driver, DARRYL, long time employee, stops.
DARRYL
You know it’s not safe for you to be out here, Henry.
HENRY
I need content for my social.
DARRYL
How many followers you up to my man?
HENRY
Five hundred and three! I’m an influencer.
DARRYL
Alright, not bad, not bad. Come on over here, real quick.
Henry stands next to Darry, takes his phone out snaps a selfie with Darryl.
HENRY
Thanks, Bro.
Darryl drives off chuckling.
Henry posts.
ON HENRY’S PHONE
Social media post – @HenryPLovesToys, The photo of Henry and Darryl. Henry types, I’m going all out to get your toys for Christmas. #PelznikelToys, #Christmas, #AllOutHenryP
BACK TO HENRY
Quite proud of himself, Henry clicks ‘post’. He wanders off , head down attention to his phone. Employees are going out of their way to avoid him.
At the employee’s packing station, the elf dressed employee, Darryl, and the cart pusher watch as Henry walk away. They’re in the clear.
Elf dressed employee has her phone out.
ELF EMPLOYEE
Surprise, Surprise, Henry’s taking credit for our work. Merry Pelznikel Christmas.
CART PUSHER
I heard he’s paid like a manager
DARRYL
Boss’s kid. What you expect? Get back to work now.
The trio breaks up.
INT. FULFILLMENT CENTER – RETURNS – DAY
The returns area packed with broken , smashed, and otherwise unwanted cartons. Its disshelved and unloved. In the middle of it all, KIM, 50’s, working through the backlog with one eye on Henry, sorting through the managerie of rejects. Henry finds a drone and controller.
HENRY
Cool.
Kim not stopping the bosses son. Henry activates the drone. It propellers whirl into a high pitched buzz. Henry quickly gains control. The drone hovers , dives at down at Kim. She ducks. Henry laughs.
KIM
You break it you bought it.
HENRY
It’s already mine.
The drone zips away with Henry at the controls running behind it.
KIM
All this be yours, some day.
Kim goes back to her processing.
INCITING INCIDENT SCENE
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
BEGINNING – Frank P and George discuss the business might not make it. Henry crashes his drone into the window
MIDDLE – Henry called to the office. While there a sheriff and banker arrive shutting down the business for lack of payment
END – Henry post all orders will be delivered by Christmas or they are free. Frank loses his temper with Henry.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
A drone zips around the fulfillment center. POV drone, employees ducking out of the way.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Christmas tree in the corner. A collection a vintage Santa Claus figures on the desk. FRANK PELZNIKEL, 50’s , President of Pelznikel Toys and , GEORGE , 40’s accountant, at the garland adorned window overlooking the center.
FRANK
Are we going to make it George?
GEORGE
It doesn’t look good. Creditors are threatening legal action.
FRANK
At least our employees will get their bonuses.
GEORGE
About that.
Frank spins, agitation growing.
FRANK
You said we’d cover them. I personally passed out the checks.
GEORGE
Nothing would leave this building unless we pay the trucking companies.
Frank picks up a present from under the tree. He tears off the wrapping paper and rips the empty box open.
FRANK
See this.This is what I’ve given my employee. Nothing!
GEORGE
It may not be hopeless , Frank.
FRANK
I should have listened. Thirty million dollars for this place.
GEORGE
The stores were dying.
FRANK
We were dying!
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
The drone hovers outside the office window. Henry watches on his monitor as Frank and George shout and argue.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
The drone crashes into the window breaking it up. Frank picks up a phone.
FRANK
Please get Henry off the floor…Yes, bring him up here.
He slams down the phone.
FRANK (Cont’d)
Does anyone else know?
GEORGE
Not yet.
FRANK
Show me the hope.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Darryl escorts Henry into the offices. Darryl hands overt the broken drone to Henry.
DARRYL
Maybe if you ask Santa for a new one
HENRY
I don’t believe in Santa anymore. I’m twelve!
DARRYL
Uh-Huh. Merry Christmas, my man.
HENRY
Merry Christmas, bro.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Muffled, raised voices from outside the door. Henry walks right in interrupting Frank and George.
FRANK
You’re supposed to knock.
Henry, surprised Frank’s rare anger.
HENRY
Sorry.
FRANK
Sit.
George and Frank huddle behind the monitor on Frank’s desk. They speak in hushed voices.
GEORGE
If we sell off the remaining stores.
FRANK
Carol won’t be happy.
GEORGE
It will buy us time.
Henry feebly attempts to put the broken drone back together.
FRANK
We need more than time.
GEORGE
We got in too late. The debt on this building.
SARAH, Frank’s assistant burst into the room followed by JIM, a Sheriff, old friend of Frank’s, the other is sharp dressed LAWYER, the smirky kind that enjoys making life difficult for others.
ASSISTANT
I’m sorry Mr. Pelznikel.I tried to stop them.
FRANK
It’s alright, Sarah. Jim, you’re a little early for the hot chocolate and
Cookies.
Before Jim, can speak, the Lawyer takes charge.
LAWYER
Mr. Pelznikel. I’m Jessica Tate-Kay , I represent your creditors.
She thrust a legal document from her brief in Frank’s face. Frank takes it and hands it over to George.
HENRY
What’s going on dad?
JESSICA
Wha’t going on is we are shutting down Pelznikel Toys for lack of payment (add other legal jargon here)
GEORGE
I wouldn’t do that.
JESSICA
Why not?
GEORGE
If we’re shut down, we can’t make sales. If we don’t sell, our vendors don’t get paid.
JESSICA
They haven’t been paid in months. Everyday Pelznikel Toys is open the more losses mount.
I am here to take over this business and liquidate it’s assets. Whatever isn’t covered Mr. Pelznikel is liable for. Shut it down, now!
HENRY
You can’t do that. It’s Christmas.
What about the kids waiting for their toys?
Jessica relishes situations like this. She casually walks across the office to Henry.
JESSICA
You can tell all your five hundred and four follower…
HENRY
…Five hundred and three
JESSICA
I’m five hundred and four. Yes, Henry, I’m following you – closely.
You’re father will assure you the non-disclosure section of the cease and
Desist paragraph seven , section nine is quite blunt.
FRANK
Leave him alone. He’s just a kid.
HENRY
I’m an influencer.
Jessica leans in. Menacingly.
JESSICA
You are a Pelznikel. You’r culpable .
Henry’s anger grows. He snaps away on the laptop keys.
Jim steps in.
JIM
That’s enough. Frank, I’m sorry. This is your last day. Close of
Business today shut it down. My boys will be back to padlock it.
Jessica looks down on the broken drone.
JESSICA
Pity. My son ordered this same drone from Pelznikel.
It will break my heart to tell him he’s not getting it.
HENRY
He’ll get it. I promise. All the toys will be delivered
By Christmas.
Henry swings around the laptop. Jessica leans in.
SUPER LAPTOP
@HenryPLovesToys. Pelznikel toys delivered by Christmas. Guaranteed!! #MerryChristmas, #Believe.
PINGS, DINGS, AND RINGS the post goes viral. Shares and likes blossom across the screen until it’s full.
BACK TO HENRY
Jessica pulls out her phone from the brief. She taps away. Puts the phone away.
JESSICA
Good luck with that. Merry Christmas.
SUPER LAP TAP
Reply from @JesicaTate-KayLawyer I shut down Pelznikel #BankruptPelznikel, #HenryLies, #Henrysepicfailure, #NoPelznikelToysNoChristmas. #Merry Christmas.
BACK TO HENRY
Henry fumes as Jim escorts Jessica out the door.
JIM
I’ll be back at five, Frank. I’m sorry.
FRANK
That was foolish! No more posts!
The Pelnikel name means more than toys. It’s three generations of keeping our word!
You can’t make promises you can’t keep.
Your word is everything. It’s the only thing you have.
Get out! Go make yourself useful.
We have real work to do.
Henry runs out, holding back the disappointment and the tears.
INT. A CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
A series of monitors, red and green lights blink and flash across a panel. A list of toy companies scroll up the screen. It stops at PELZNIKEL TOYS. The names flashes Red. Close in on a FACE with headset.
FACE
Pleznikel Toys has gone off line.
Close in on a crooked smile, one lip red, one lip green , smiles a crooked smile.
HENRY REACTS EMOTIONALLY TO THE INCIDENT
BEGINNING Henry enters a quiet shopping mall. Halcyon days long gone.
MIDDLE Henry and Carol, is mom offers motherly advice.
END – Henry talks with Santa text to enter the North Pole contest
INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Henry, dejected, mopes along the festooned Christmas decorations. Piped in holiday jingles ring out over the shopping quietness for this time of year. A family with two children pass by. They stare at Henry. Is it his imagination they hate him now?
Second hand stores, mixed along shuttered store fronts. In the middle of the decline, a Pelznikel Toy store. Despite the lack of shoppers looks inviting. A toy train circles a Christmas village. Animated reindeer and Santa Claus. Christmas sale signs everywhere.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOY STORE – DAY
CAROL PELZNIKEL, 40’s, Christmas personified, – behind the register.
No words needed. Henry into the safe embrace of his mother.
HENRY
I wanted to help.
CAROL
I know sweetheart.
HENRY
I’m in big trouble, aren’t I?
CAROL
No Henry. Your dad and I would never let that happen.
HENRY
Dad’s in trouble.
CAROL
We’ll figure it out. Things are never as bad as they seem.
At the front of the store , Sheriff Jim and a deputy take up a position. Carol acknowledges them.
JIM
Let’s get a cup of coffee.
Jim and his deputy walk away.
HENRY
Can you help me keep my promise?
CAROL
Henry you made an honest mistake. Sometimes our emotional get the best of us.
HENRY
It’s not a mistake. I meant every word. I have over three thousand followers now. They’re on my side.
CAROL
Do me a favor. Promise me no more posts. Please.
HENRY
But dad gave me this job. He trusted me. I have to show him I can do it.
CAROL
There’s other jobs.
Henry pulls away.
HENRY
Not any more! Not for any of us. We’re finished and it’s all my fault!
Henry runs out of the store leaving Carol beyond worried about him.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – SANTA CLAUSE PLAZA – DAY
MALL SANTA CLAUS naps on his throne. The young, bored photographer, dressed like an elf fiddles on the smart phone.
Behind Santa is a glittery fake snow covered North Pole Castle facade. Stanchions lead no one to a double arched door. “ENTER” sign above it.
Henry running past Santa. He gets a little too close. Santa stretches his boot trips up Henry. He tumble down into the fake snow. The photographer briefly looks up from the phone, unfazed.
MALL SANTA
My bad. You okay, Henry?
Henry shakes it off. Santa offers him a hand up. Henry takes it.
HENRY
How do you know my name?
Santa pulls his cell phone half way out from his pocket. Henry understands now his influence has grown. Santa returns the phone to his pocket.
SANTA
I know a little about over promising too.
HENRY
How do you do it? Kids ask you for impossible things.
MALL SANTA
You can’t do it alone. True everyone knows me. Millions even like me.
However few actually believe in me. It comes down to we all have to believe in ourselves.
If I didn’t , well there be no Christmas, would there? It’s up to me to make it happen.
Henry looks around the the depressing setting.
HENRY
Who are you talking about?
SANTA
What would you like for Christmas, Henry?
HENRY
I made a big mistake. I don’t suppose there’s a present for that?
Mall Santa scratches his beard contemplating such a profound request. RATTLING of the store front gates across the mall. Henry and Santa watch as Sheriff Jim and Deputy close up and padlock Pelznikel Toys. Carol bundled up and off in tears.
MALL SANTA
Redemption. Too big for a stocking. I’ll see what my elves can do.
HENRY
Sound like the standard answer.
MALL SANTA
Here,
Santa takes a card out from his pocket.
SUPER CARD
Text and win a free trip to the North Pole.
BACK TO SANTA
Henry takes the card and reads it. The tacky North Pole Castle looms behind him.
MALL SANTA
It’s a five dollar value.
HENRY
Great. Thank, Bro.
The photographer blows a gum bubble which bursts. Mall Santa winks at Henry. His eye twinkles.
ACT ONE TURNING POINT
EXT. WINTER NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
Twinkling stars, snow gently falling. Somewhere out in the darkness jingle bells, coming closer. Christmas lights on the house flicker. There is magic in the air.
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
It’s late into the night. Henry’s sitting up in bed, still dressed from the day, playing a video game. Ear buds muffle the sound.
INSERT VIDEO GAME
A boy rides on a dragon. They are being chased by a wizard. The boy dodges lighting bolts. Until the a fatal blow strikes.
HENRY
Gotcha!
The game continues. Somewhere above, there’s a THUMP and a THUD. Henry’s unaware, the game ear bud’s are loud enough. Another thump and thud. Henry pauses the game. He listens.
HENRY
Mom?
No reply. Back to the game, except there is the disturbance again from above, even louder. THUMP, THUD, THUMP THUD.
Light snow is falling outside the window. Henry goes to it and opens it.The street below is quiet. From above on the dormer’s roof there’s a light JINGLE of bells. Henry leans out the window, in the dark of night he sees tip of an antlers and a puff of steam from an unknown source.
HENRY
What the heck?
He throws on a jacket and gingerly climbs out onto the roof.
EXT. HENRY’S BEDROOM – ROOF – NIGHT
He slips and falls on the snow.
The snout of a beast comes into view. It snorts then nudges Henry. Henry scrambles away in terror. Before him is a magnificent reindeer. Its coat shines in the moonlight. Eyes like jewels. Its antler rack wide and strong as oak tree.
The beast’s head nods. The strands of bells around its main jingle softly. The reindeer lowers it’s head,
HENRY
You want me to get on?
The reindeer again nods. It bends at the knees.
HENRY
This is the weirdest dream ever.
Henry cautiously mounts the beast. It snorts and stomps.
A light goes on behind a window on the neighbor’s house. The silhouette of a young girl, BASIL, 12, Henry’s friend and secret admirer.
INT. NEIGHBOR BEDROOM – NIGHT
BASIL, 12, Henry’s neighbor and admirer, stumbles out of bed to the window. She opens and looks out. Without her eye glasses on, Henry and the reindeer are nothing more than a blurry apparition.
BASIL
Henry? What’s going on?
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE – ROOF – NIGHT
HENRY
Basil, are you in my dream too? Okay, reindeer no funny business because ….
Before Henry can finish the beast is off, nearly straight up into the night sky. Henry holds on for dear life. He screams out of fear and out of excitement.
EXT. BASIL’S BEDROOM – WINDOW – NIGHT
Basil scrambles to get her glasses on. By the time she does she looks again and the apparition of Henry and the reindeer are gone into the darkness. The snow falls lightly in the moonlight before the stars. The faint ring off JINGLE BELLS drifts away to silence.
EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – NIGHT
Henry and reindeer zoom over the skyline shooting between office towers and the clouds. They dive.They climb, more screaming and bells jingling.
HENRY
Hey! Do you now where you are going? Whoaaaa!
Henry and the reindeer zip across the moon and the two are gone from sight.
EXT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – NIGHT
Descending from the clouds there is a towering castle trimmed in silver and gold. The towers and pinnacle topped with pennants and flags. Henry and the reindeer circle it slowly. The ride is now controlled, steady.
On a closer pass the Castle sits atop an ice mountain. A slushy, dripping, cracking ice mountain. A chunk of ice cracks off the falls into deep chasm. A frozen wonderland it is not.
HENRY
Weird.
The reindeer breaks right towards an open archway on one of the castle towers.
INT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – REINDEER STABLES – NIGHT
The reindeer glides through the arch landing softly on the cobble floor. It bends for Henry to slide off. As Henry walks off the sourness, he passes stately oak and chestnut stables. The wood shines.The hay fresh and clean. In each stall a reindeer just as magnificent as his ride.
From around the corner the squeaking of wheels and someone humming. A cart being pushed by an old elf, SAMWISE, senior reindeer keeper.
SAMWISE
There you are. You had me worried. Two days before Christmas
And you up and disappear. Back in the stall you.
The reindeer shakes off the snow and enters its stall. Samwise closes the gate. Behind it stands Henry, much to the shock and surprise of Samwise and Henry. They both scream at the site of each other.
SAMWISE
Who the dickens are you?
Samwise address the reindeer.
SAMEWISE
Is that where you were off to? But who sent you? I’m not taking the blame for this.
That’s for penguin poop sure.
HENRY
You’re an —— elf?
SAMWISE
And you’re a human. Not polite to point out, mind you.
HENRY
Where am I?
SAMWISE
North Pole Castle. Where do you think you are?
HENRY
Am I dreaming?
Samwise sucker punches Henry right in the gut. Henry buckles over. Gasping.
SAMWISE
Guess not.
HENRY
Okay that’s a trigger.
SAMWISE
Who sent you here?
HENRY
I got a text. I won a contest.
Henry reaches for his phone only to realize he does not have it.
SAMWISE
Loose something?
HENRY
Everything.
Stay right here. Don’t move.
Samwise pushes the cart around the next corner and out of site. Henry wanders off in the opposite direction.
-
1. Edward J. Lusk Jr.
2.I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
-
Ed’s Act One Turning Point.
What I learned doing this assignment is how clear and critical the A1 turning point has to be so to solidify the new journey. As the phrase implies, “we’re not in Kansas anymore.” It’s fun to leave the status quo as the new journey now is open to a magnitude of possibilities and adventure. Let’s go!
ACT ONE TURNING POINT
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
It’s late into the night. Henry’s sitting up in bed, still dressed from the day, playing a video game. Ear buds muffle the sound.
INSERT VIDEO GAME
A boy rides on a dragon. They are being chased by a wizard. The boy dodges lighting bolts. Until the a fatal blow strikes.
HENRY
Gotcha!
The game continues. Somewhere above, there’s a THUMP and a THUD. Henry’s unaware, the game ear bud’s are loud enough. Another thump and thud. Henry pauses the game. He listens.
HENRY
Mom?
No reply. There it is again, from the roof, even louder. THUMP, THUD, THUMP THUD.
Light snow is falling outside the window. Henry goes to it and opens it.The street below is quiet. From above on the dormer’s roof there’s a light JINGLE of bells. Henry leans out the window, in the dark of night he sees tip of an antlers and a puff of steam from an unknown source.
HENRY
What the heck?
He throws on a jacket and gingerly climbs out onto the roof.
EXT. HENRY’S BEDROOM – ROOF – NIGHT
He slips and falls on the snow.
The snout of a beast comes into view. It snorts then nudges Henry. Henry scrambles away in terror. Before him is a magnificent reindeer. Its coat shines in the moonlight. Eyes like jewels. Its antler rack wide and strong as oak tree.
The beast’s head nods. The strands of bells around its main jingle softly. The reindeer lowers it’s head,
HENRY
You want me to get on?
The reindeer again nods. It bends at the knees.
HENRY
This is the weirdest dream ever.
Henry cautiously mounts the beast.
A light goes on behind a window on the neighbor’s house. The silhouette of a young girl, BASIL, 12, Henry’s friend and secret admirer.
BASIL
Henry, is that you?
HENRY
Basil, are you in my dream too? Okay, reindeer no funny business because ….
Before Henry can finish the beast is off, nearly straight up into the night sky. Henry holds on for dear life. He screams out of fear and out of excitement.
EXT. BASIL’S BEDROOM – WINDOW – NIGHT
Basil scrambles to get her glasses on. By the time she does she looks again and the apparition of Henry and the reindeer are gone into the darkness. The snow falls lightly in the moonlight before the stars.
EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – NIGHT
Henry and reindeer zoom over the skyline shooting between office towers and the clouds. They dive.They climb, more screaming and bells jingling.
HENRY
Hey! Do you now where you are going? Whoaaaa!
Henry and the reindeer zip across the moon and the two are gone from sight.
EXT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – NIGHT
Descending from the clouds there is a towering castle trimmed in silver and gold. The towers and pinnacle topped with pennants and flags. Henry and the reindeer circle it slowly. The ride is now controlled, steady.
On a closer pass the Castle sits atop an ice mountain. A slushy, dripping, cracking ice mountain. A chunk of ice cracks off the falls into deep chasm. A frozen wonderland it is not.
HENRY
Weird.
The reindeer breaks right towards an open archway on one of the castle towers.
INT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – REINDEER STABLES – NIGHT
The reindeer glides through the arch landing softly on the cobble floor. It bends for Henry to slide off. As Henry walks off the sourness, he passes stately oak and chestnut stables. The wood shines.The hay fresh and clean. In each stall a reindeer just as magnificent as his ride.
From around the corner the squeaking of wheels and someone humming. A cart being pushed by an old elf, SAMWISE, senior reindeer keeper.
SAMWISE
There you are. You had me worried. Two days before Christmas
And you up and disappear. Back in the stall you.
The reindeer shakes off the snow and enters its stall. Samwise closes the gate. Behind it stands Henry, much to the shock and surprise of Samwise and Henry. They both scream at the site of each other.
SAMWISE
Who the dickens are you?
Samwise address the reindeer.
SAMEWISE
Is that where you were off to? But who sent you? I’m not taking the blame for this.
That’s for penguin poop sure.
HENRY
You’re an —— elf?
SAMWISE
And you’re a human. Not polite to point out, mind you.
HENRY
Where am I?
SAMWISE
North Pole Castle. Where do you think you are?
HENRY
Am I dreaming?
Samwise walks up to Henry and sucker punches him right in the gut. Henry buckles over.
SAMWISE
Guess not.
HENRY
Your methods need finessing dude.
SAMWISE
Who sent you here?
HENRY
I got a text. I won a contest.
Henry reaches for his phone only to realize he does not have it.
SAMWISE
Loose something?
HENRY
Everything.
Stay right here. Don’t move.
Samwise pushes the cart around the next corner and out of site. Henry wanders off in the opposite direction.
-
Ed’s inciting Incident.
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance and structure of having the emotional scene after the inciting incident scene. This scene gives more meaning and relevance of the incident. I learned it’s more than an event , it’s he drama which it creates and character taking the new path/journey.
INCITING INCIDENT SCENE
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
BEGINNING – Frank Pelznikel and his accountant George argue over the fact the business might not make it. Henry crashes his drone into the window
MIDDLE – Henry called to the office. While there a sheriff and lawyer arrive shutting down the business for lack of payment
END – Henry promises in a post all orders will be delivered by Christmas or they are free. Frank loses his temper with Henry.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
A drone zips around the fulfillment center. POV drone, employees ducking out of the way.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Christmas tree in the corner. A collection a vintage Santa Claus figures on the desk. FRANK PELZNIKEL, 50’s , President of Pelznikel Toys and , GEORGE , 40’s accountant, at the garland adorned window overlooking the center.
FRANK
Are we going to make it George?
GEORGE
It doesn’t look good. Creditors are taking legal action.
FRANK
At least our employees will get their bonuses.
GEORGE
About that.
Frank spins, agitation growing.
FRANK
You said we’d cover them. I passed out the checks.
GEORGE
Nothing is leaving this building unless we pay the trucking companies.
Frank picks up a present from under the tree. He tears off the wrapping paper and rips the empty box open.
FRANK
See this.This is what I’ve given my employee. Nothing!
GEORGE
It’s not hopeless , Frank.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
The drone hovers outside the office window. Henry watches on his monitor as Frank and George shout and argue.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
The drone crashes into the window breaking it up. Frank picks up a phone.
FRANK
Please get Henry off the floor…Yes, bring him up here.
He slams down the phone.
FRANK (Cont’d)
Does anyone else know?
GEORGE
Not yet.
FRANK
Show me the hope.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Darryl escorts Henry into the offices. Darryl hands overt the broken drone to Henry.
DARRYL
Maybe if you ask Santa for a new one
HENRY
I don’t believe in Santa anymore. I’m twelve!
DARRYL
Uh-Huh. Merry Christmas, my man.
HENRY
Merry Christmas, bro.
INT. PLEZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Muffled, raised voices from outside the door. Henry walks right in interrupting Frank and George.
FRANK
You’re supposed to knock.
Henry, surprised Frank’s rare anger.
HENRY
Sorry.
FRANK
Sit.
George and Frank huddle behind the monitor on Frank’s desk. They speak in hushed voices.
GEORGE
If we sell off the remaining stores.
FRANK
Carol won’t be happy.
GEORGE
It will buy us time.
Henry feebly attempts to put the broken drone back together.
FRANK
We need more than time.
GEORGE
We got in too late. The debt on this building.
SARAH, Frank’s assistant burst into the room followed by JIM, a Sheriff, old friend of Frank’s, the other is sharp dressed LAWYER, the smirky kind that enjoys making life difficult for others.
ASSISTANT
I’m sorry Mr. Pelznikel.I tried to stop them.
FRANK
It’s alright, Sarah. Jim, you’re a little early for the hot chocolate and
Cookies.
Before Jim, can speak, the Lawyer takes charge.
LAWYER
Mr. Pelznikel. I’m Jessica Tate-Kay , I represent your creditors.
She thrust a legal document from her brief in Frank’s face. Frank takes it and hands it over to George.
HENRY
What’s going on dad?
JESSICA
Wha’t going on is we are shutting down Pelznikel Toys for lack of payment (add other legal jargon here)
GEORGE
I wouldn’t do that.
JESSICA
Why not?
GEORGE
If we’re shut down, we can’t make sales. If we don’t sell, our vendors don’t get paid.
JESSICA
They haven’t been paid in months. Everyday Pelznikel Toys is open the more losses mount.
I am here to take over this business and liquidate it’s assets. Whatever isn’t covered Mr. Pelznikel is liable for. Shut it down, now!
HENRY
You can’t do that. It’s Christmas.
What about the kids waiting for their toys?
Jessica relishes situations like this. She casually walks across the office to Henry.
JESSICA
You can tell all your five hundred and four followers…
HENRY
…Five hundred and three
JESSICA
I’m five hundred and four. Yes, Henry, I’m following you – closely.
You’re father will assure you the non-disclosure section of the cease and
Desist paragraph seven , section nine is quite blunt.
FRANK
Leave him alone. He’s just a kid.
HENRY
I’m an influencer.
Jessica leans in. Menacingly.
JESSICA
You are a Pelznikel. You’r culpable .
Henry’s anger grows. He snaps away on the laptop keys.
Jim steps in.
JIM
That’s enough. Frank, I’m sorry. This is your last day. Close of
Business today shut it down. My boys will be back to padlock it.
Jessica looks down on the broken drone.
JESSICA
Pity. My son ordered this same drone from Pelznikel.
It will break my heart to tell him he’s not getting it.
HENRY
He’ll get it. I promise. All our toys will be delivered
By Christmas.
Henry swings around the laptop. Jessica leans in.
SUPER LAPTOP
@HenryPLovesToys. Pelznikel toys delivered by Christmas , or they are free! #Freetoys, #MerryChristmas, #Believe.
PINGS, DINGS, AND RINGS the post goes viral. Shares and likes blossom across the screen until it’s full.
BACK TO HENRY
Jessica pulls out her phone from the brief. She taps away. Puts the phone away.
JESSICA
Good luck with that. Merry Christmas.
Jim escorts Jessica out the door.
SUPER LAP TAP
Reply from @JesicaTate-KayLawyer I shut down Pelznikel #BankruptPelznikel, #HenryLies, #Henrysepicfailure, #NoPelznikelToysNoChristmas. #Merry Christmas.
BACK TO HENRY
FRANK
That was foolish Henry!
You can’t make promises you can’t keep.
Your word is everything. It’s the only thing you have.
Go make yourself useful. We have real work to do.
Henry runs out, holding back the disappointment and the tears.
HENRY REACTS EMOTIONALLY TO THE INCIDENT
BEGINNING Henry enters a quiet shopping mall. Halcyon days long gone.
MIDDLE Henry and Carol, is mom offers motherly advice.
END – Henry talks with Santa text to enter the North Pole contest
INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Henry, dejected, mopes along the festooned Christmas decorations. Piped in holiday jingles ring out over the shopping quietness for this time of year. A family with two children pass by. They stare at Henry. Is it his imagination they hate him now?
Second hand stores, mixed along shuttered store fronts. In the middle of the decline, a Pelznikel Toy store. Despite the lack of shoppers looks inviting. A toy train circles a Christmas village. Animated reindeer and Santa Claus. Christmas sale signs everywhere.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOY STORE – DAY
CAROL PELZNIKEL, 40’s, Christmas personified, – behind the register.
No words needed. Henry into the safe embrace of his mother.
HENRY
I wanted to help.
CAROL
I know sweetheart.
HENRY
I’m in big trouble, aren’t I?
CAROL
No Henry. Your dad and I would never let that happen.
HENRY
Dad’s in trouble.
CAROL
We’ll figure it out. Things are never as bad as they seem.
At the front of the store , Sheriff Jim and a deputy take up a position. Carol acknowledges them.
JIM
Let’s get a cup of coffee.
The two walk off.
HENRY
Can you help me keep my promise?
CAROL
Henry you made an honest mistake. Sometimes our emotional get the best of us.
HENRY
It’s not a mistake. I meant every word. I have over three thousand followers now. They’re on my side.
CAROL
Do me a favor. Promise me no more posts. Please.
HENRY
But dad gave me this job. He trusted me. I have to show him I can do it.
CAROL
There’s other jobs.
Henry pulls away.
HENRY
Not any more! We’re finished and it’s all my fault!
Henry runs out of the store leaving Carol beyond worried about him.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – SANTA CLAUSE PLAZA – DAY
MALL SANTA CLAUS naps on his throne. The young photographer fiddles on the smart phone.
Behind Santa is a glittery fake snow covered North Pole Castle facade. Stanchions lead no one to a double arched door. “ENTER” sign above it.
Henry running past Santa. He gets a little too close. Santa stretches his boot trips up Henry. He tumble down. The photographer briefly looks up from the phone, unfazed.
MALL SANTA
My bad. You okay, Henry?
Henry shakes it off. Santa offers him a hand up. Henry takes it.
HENRY
How do you know my name?
Santa pulls his cell phone half way out from his pocket. Henry understands now. Santa returns it.
SANTA
I know a little about over promising too.
HENRY
How do you do it? Kids ask you for impossible things.
MALL SANTA
You can’t do it alone. True everyone knows me. Millions even like me.
However few actually believe in me. It comes down to we all have to believe in ourselves.
If I didn’t , well there be no Christmas, would there? It’s up to me to make it happen.
Henry looks around the the depressing setting.
HENRY
Who are you talking about?
SANTA
What would you like for Christmas, Henry?
HENRY
I made a big mistake. I don’t suppose there’s a present for that?
Mall Santa scratches his beard contemplating such a profound request. RATTLING of the store front gates across the mall. Henry and Santa watch as Sheriff Jim and Deputy close up and padlock Pelznikel Toys. Carol bundled up and off in tears.
MALL SANTA
Redemption. Too big for a stocking. I’ll see what my elves can do.
HENRY
Sound like the standard answer.
MALL SANTA
Here,
Santa takes a card out from his pocket.
SUPER CARD
Text and win a free trip to the North Pole.
BACK TO SANTA
Henry takes the card and reads it. The tacky North Pole Castle looms behind him.
MALL SANTA
It’s a five dollar value.
HENRY
Great. Thank, Bro.
The photographer blows a gum bubble which bursts. Mall Santa winks at Henry.
-
Ed’s Opening scenes.
What I learned from this assignment. Not writing literally for me is a first. However, I like the idea of writing key scenes first and then other scenes. It’s best to concentrate on the pivotal scenes and using the scene outline method really improves my structure and speed. I know they not great but that’s the point, not yet!
HENRY PELZNIKEL PROTAGONIST INTRODUCTION SCENE
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
BEGINNING the package from opening – pull back to The FC a crazy busy place, Christmas music , count down clock before Christmas. Cheerful yet employees working frantically
MIDDLE – Henry on the floor , taking pictures looking for selfie victims
END – Henry leaves scene – not well like / appreciated by employees – bosses kid syndrome
ALFREDA INTRODUCTION
INT. NORTH POLE – OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
BEGINNING – Typical business meeting , dark room, projector /screen, except they are elves.
MIDDLE – Alfreda speaking to data , Mystery man complimenting Alfreda – the rest of the room resentment.
END -Henry and Samwise enter – Reveal Santa Claus – President and CEO
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
Joyful Christmas music. A single carton traverses a network of conveying belts. Above it all a large COUNTDOWN CLOCK to Christmas reads: 2 Days, twelve hours, fifty one minutes and nine seconds, then eight seconds , the 6 seconds.
The facility is massive network of pallet storage racks, forklifts, loading docks. Employees, adorned eld hats and Christmas necklaces, snatching toys from bins, boxing them up at lighting speed.
In the middle of it all, HENRY PELZNIKEL, 12. His father, and owner of the company, gave him the job of social media influencer during the Christmas break. Henry’s trying to making the most of the opportunity despite his lack of abilities.
Henry stops at a picking station. An employee is busy filling orders. She’s dressed like and elf.
HENRY
How about a selfie for my blog?
ELF-LIKE EMPLOYEE
Sorry Henry, I got to pack them up and ship them out. Pelznikel toys is what’s it all about.
HENRY
Thanks, anyway. I’ll tell my dad you’re working really hard.
Henry leaves the employee wondering if that was a threat or a compliment.
Another employee pushes a cart of toys past Henry so quickly he doesn’t even get a chance to ask.
There’s a forklift ahead, adorned with Christmas lights. It carriers a pallet of toy cartons on it. Driver, DARRYL, long time employee, stops.
DARRYL
You know it’s not safe for you to be out here, Henry.
HENRY
I need content for my social.
DARRYL
Yeah, how many followers you up to my man?
HENRY
Five hundred and three!
DARRYL
Alright, not bad, not bad. Come on over here, real quick.
Henry stands next to Darry, takes his phone out snaps a selfie with Darryl.
HENRY
Thanks, Bro.
Darryl drives off chuckling.
Henry posts.
ON HENRY’S PHONE
Social media post – @HenryPLovesToys, The photo of Henry and Darryl. Henry types, I’m going all out to get your toys for Christmas. #PelznikelToys, #Christmas, #AllOutHenryP
BACK TO HENRY
Quite proud of himself, Henry clicks ‘post’. He wanders off , head down attention to his phone. Employees are going out of their way to avoid him.
At the employee’s packing station, the elf dressed employee, Darryl, and the cart pusher watch as Henry walk away. They’re in the clear.
Elf dressed employee has her phone out.
ELF EMPLOYEE
Surprise, Surprise, Henry’s taking credit for our work. Merry Pelznikel Christmas.
CART PUSHER
I heard he’s paid like a manager
DARRYL
Boss’s kid. What you expect? Get back to work now.
The trio breaks up.
ANTAGONIST – ALFREDA INTRO SCENE
INT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
BEGINNING – By all appearances a normal business except those around the table are elves. There is a mystery figure at the head of the table, we can’t clearly see in the shadows. Only Hints.
MIDDLE – Alfreda is speaking to social media numbers , all up! Questioned by mystery figure.
END -reveal Santa he’s a CEO, not like a jolly old elf!
INT. NORTH POLE CASTLE – OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Blinds are pulled closed around the glass enclosed room. A large table, symbol of power and prestige. Seated around it, corporate executives. Convincingly dressed , except for the fact they are all elves.
On the far wall a large flat screen displays pie charts, bar graphs, and talking points. ALFREDA ELF, 40’s in human age. She is a North Pole legend feared more than respected. She speaks authoritatively to the data.
ALFREDA
As you can see across the board all our social media numbers are up.
Likes, up seventy two percent. Followers , up forty percent, Shares up eighteen percent.
Our CTR a respectable 2.8%
We’ve never been more influential in the role of Christmas around the globe. Promises made promises kept!
The other elves around the table smile politely avoiding eye contact with Alfreda.
In the darkness, from the other end of the table, identified by the highlight of white wavy hair, red sport coat, the figure clears his throat. A clear message to move on.
ALFREDA
The next item on the agenda, the much to long awaited and delayed test run of the new sleigh this afternoon.
The other elves at the table squirm in their seats. It’s a sore subject.
ALFREDA
Going down the punch list. Knut? Reindeer
The screen changes to sleigh preparation punch list.
KNUT ELF, 50’s , reviews the note pad in front of him.
KNUT
Stables and reindeer team are ready. All reins and assorted tack, fitted and secured.
Tow capacities validated along with velocity rates. We’re ready to fly.
ALFREDA
I should hope so. Vegard,I hope you have good news.
VEGARD ELF , 30’s, shifts nervously in his seat
ALFREDA
Vegard, Kris is waiting.
VEGARD
As you know the GPS override system has been a bit glitchy.
We’ve swamped out the guidance modulator and patched the internal
Drivers, however——
ALFREDA
——Enough of the gobly gook! Is the sleigh part of the North Pole guidance system or not?
The room silent , all eyes on poor Vegard
VEGARD
I believe so.
ALFREDA
Sorry, was that a yes?
VEGARD
Yes, Yes, it’ll function properly.
The shadowy figure at the end of the table weighs in. All eyes are on SANTA CLAUS, President and CEO North Pole. Salon coiffed white hair and beard. He’s dressed in red satin sport coat, tailored white button down shirt, casual blue jeans, Cole and Haan casual brown shoes. To the elves in this room they call him Kris.
SANTA CLAUS
To Alfreda’s point, Vegard, I won’t have the time to continually locate and correct
my course. You promised me last week, your words, not mine, was “Flawless operation.”
VEGARD
I’ll double check it right now.
Vegard get’s up and rushes out of the room. Blowing past Henry and Samwise standing outside the door.
HENRY
Who’s that?
SAMWISE
Elf on a shelf
Alfreda clicks on button on the remote. All the shades rise in unison. Henry and Samwise are caught dead loitering outside the room. Santa Claus motions them to come in.
Samwise
Penguin Poop. Don’t talk. Don’t speak a single syllable. Got it, kid?
HENRY
I won’t say a word.
Samwise snarls
HENRY F
From now on.
Samwise takes Henry by the hand and leads him into the conference room. Alfreda locks hawk eyes on them like there tiny prey.
-
Ed adds theme and Antagonist Journey
What I learned from this assignment is I’ve not completely nailed the overall them, and that’s okay! I have thematic elements identified and the big theme circling around my head , I’ll capture it eventually but that’s not stopping the process!
Act 1:
SUPER:
A SINGLE ONLINE POSTS: @HENRYPLOVES TOYS- WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? #TOYS, #CHRISTMAS, #HOTTOYS, #PELZNICKELTOYS
Slowly replies pop on the screen, faster, and faster, overlapping. Pings, Dings, & Rings, Yet, As fast as they started they fade away. The COMMENTS, LIKES and SHARES are underwhelming.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
Opening – HENRY, 12, wanders through his family’s toy companies fulfillment center. Despite the activity around him his attention is to his phone. He demands attention but gets none. He carries little weight or respect despite being the son of the owner.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Conveyors, forklifts carts, buzz of energy. employees wear santa hats, christmas light necklaces. Elf Ears, Toy orders picked, packed , scanning. Follow a package traversing the network of conveyors
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
FRANK PELZNIKEL – 40’s , owner , and GEORGE, 50’s, accountant , watch over the floor, concerned more than excited. Business is not robust. A drone buzzes past the window.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Henry Henry flying a drone . Not paying attention he wanders in front of a forklift. The driver jerks away into the sortation belt. Crash – the operation comes to a grinding halt.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Frank and George watch Henry on the floor- Frank – I’ve told him to stay off the floor. Pick’s up a walkie talkie – Get my son off the floor,NOW..
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OUTSIDE OFFICE – DAY
enry outside off overhearing arguement on order delays. Christmas will be a mascre for those not delivering. Frank , George and another man is a florecent vest agrue over the state of the business – not good, should have gotten into online sales earlier, bonus not paid, man enters – we’re cutting you off, nothing leaves here until we’re paid. Got to work in Henry overhearing this.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
TE1 – Henry jumps on a computer terminal – posting Pelznickel will deliver everyone’s toys by Christmas – Guaranteed! – @Henrylovestoys, #SantaSucks, #SantaEpicFailure, #Santanonbeliever.
INCITING INCIDENT . Imagery of post sharing , liking, and popping up across the country.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Stern looking man and a sheriff enter office – shut down Pelznikel Toys for unpaid bills.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
A series of monitors, lights, a flashing beacon- List of toy companies , Pelznikel Toys, Close Up , mouth and headgear – Pleznikel Toys has gone off line. A crooked smile unkown origin.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Frank worst day – reacts to what Henry has done – Henry’s Promise furious – Why don’t you do something useful! Direct Henry his mother needs his help.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Henry DEJECTED wanders mall past prime days long gone – closed shops, cheaps stores – PELNIKEL TOYS – Hi MOM – CAROL PELZNIKEL – Get’s a hug. Phone PINGS – Henry what did you do? Honey you can’t make promises you can’t keep. You’ve put us in an impossible situation.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – SANTA CASTLE – DAY
Lonely Santa – no kids – Locking Up. despite the lack of attention the Santa acting genuine. Henry nothing to loose makes his wish. What do you want for Christmas, Henry ? How you know my name ? Henry – made a promise I want to keep it. SC- most kids ask for toys – H – Most kids dont ruin a family’s legacy. I know a little something about legacy. If you believe your wish will come true, then it will. Here – text for a chance to win a trip to the NP. Henry POV the NP is tacky set up. Santa’s got to stay up with the times. TE#2
INT. PELZNIKEL HOME – HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Muffled arguments from downstairs. Phone PINGS – text -‘Window” Neighbor – MARCUS, thick glasses, Dude, what you do? Henry’s optimism vs Marcus reality. Before going to bed Henry text the message from Santa’s card.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
Twinkling stars, Snow gently swirls, jingle bells in distance coming closer. Christmas lights flicker. There’s magic in the air.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Henry’s in deep sleep. There’s a THUMP somewhere above him. Then another, load enough to wake Henry. He stumble from bed, checks the hall, all is quiet. Another thump. He opens the window, no Marcus. He hear jingle of bell from above.
EXT. PELZNIKEL HOME – ROOF – NIGHT
A magnificent beast, a reindeer, splendid, turns toward Henry, nods implying for Henry to GET ON.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Henry scramble to change. Throws a backpack. Leaves phone on night stand.
EXT. HENRY’s ROOF – NIGHT
The beast snorts and stomps. Breath steam from nostrils. Henry climbs on it’s back. The reindeer leaps into flight. Henry screams in delight.
EXT. HENRY’S BEDROOM – ROOF – NIGHT
INT. ROCHELLE’S BED ROOM – NIGHT
ROCHELLE, Neighbor, 12, secret admirer. The commotion awakens Rochelle she, looks out the window, see a blur of Henry and Reindeer. By the time she gets his glasses on – GONE.
EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – NIGHT
Henry and reindeer zoom across the sky diving and climbing among the buildings. Henry shouts a whoo! Circles the Space Needle and are gone into the darkness framed by the moon.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – DAY
Soft knock at the door – MOM enters, searches calls – No Henry – Text phone – PINGS on Table . Runs out -down the hall – FRANK!
EXT. NORTHPOLE – DAY
The reindeer circles a castle atop a ice mountain. Waterfalls, crystals. WONDER. Henry – No way!
INT. NORTHPOLE CASTLE – REINDEER PADDOCK – DAY
Reindeer lands – EIGHT oak, Mahagony Stalls line the Hallway. Henry Climbs off. He walks outside the other beast, all magnificient. ENTER – SAMWISE – Old STABLE ELF, he got wheel barrel, shovel. Grumbling about Christmas. The reindeer. THERE YOU ARE. Out for a midnight run? Heards the animal back into the stall. Turns to find a STUND HENRY. WHO ARE YOU? Youw want to get me fired? H- You’re an ELF? You’re a human? Not polite – Dude. V Voices – Quick, get in. Henry get’s in Wheel Barrell covered by a blanket. Dialogue getting the sleigh ready for test run. TODAY SAMWISE – Testy Exchange pushing Samwise. You know he does’nt like to be kept waiting. SW-Okay kid spill it, who you working for? Pelznikel Toys – I knew it. I won a tour. Hands over the card. Mistake?
INT. NORTHPOLE – WORKSHOP – DAY
Samwise leads Henry through tradtional workshop. ELF’s Hard out work making toys – For show only.
Henry wanders off – pushes through a hidden door into….
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE – DAY
Police – notepads – Frank & Carol Plus Rochelle’s parents – What did Rochelle see? Really can’t say. Heard anything – Yeah Bells – Sleigh Bells? Okay kid. Is this realted to his posts? Any threats?
INT. NORTH POLE – OFFICES – DAY
Henry emerges from the hidden door into a corporate offices – cubicles, conferences rooms, the buzz that comes from two days before Christmas. GIANT COUNT DOWN CLOCK, He wanders through – ELFS too busy to notice. SEE – NP Melting relocation plan (find acronym)
INT – NORTH POLE OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
VICE PRESIDENT ELFS – POWERPOINT. ALFREDA is speaking. Data analysis of social media positive results. Voice in the darkness, at what cost, ALFREDA? – All heads turn to SANTA CLAUS – KRIS to the inner circle. Red suite blue jeans – causual shoes. Topic – Negative Posts – Make strong INTRO for ALFREDA – clear she is the Antagonist in the story.
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Samwise catches up to Henry. Qucik disguise-elf hat pulled down low, a vest. Through the glass conference room the two are spotted – Kris taps on the glass, motioned to come in. SW – Don’t say a word.
INT. CONFERNCE ROOM – DAY
Samwise and Henry – enter. Henry sees his posts on the conference room screen!
Dialogue with Santa about sleigh ready and new navigation system. Henry in AW nad surprise of Santa’s Appearence. Ready to go. Welcome to the NP…? Henry, KRIS – Henry.
Who is this? Winter Intern. Alfreda – I started in the stables as well, and look at me now. Henry only nods and smiles. Alfreda sense of recognition but from where??? Strong sense of suspicion from Alfreda regarding Henry. She did not invite him then who did, why?
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Samwise hustles Henry out of there before anymore questions. I don’t know who you are but your not getting me fired I got one more Christmas to go. Nine Days to go to retirement. I got a pension to worry about.
INT. REINDEER PADDOCK – DAY
The paddock is empty – reindeer are gone. Samwise goes to get Henry a ride home. Henry wanders off. Samwsie returns with a old animal of somesort.Henry? Kid wanders off more than a penguin.
INT. NORTH POLE – AIRSTRIP – DAY
On the strip -there it is- Sleigh and Reindeer. It’s impressive deep red and gold. The reindeer, obedient, magastic. Henry – WOW. He marvels at it. Samwise finds him. Kid – get away from there! Henry climbs up into the sleigh. SW – No , No No. SW jumps in the back. Henry takes the REINS – No not the before he can finish the sleigh whooh is off, Samwise nearly thrown off. He climbs back on. The sleigh circles the castle.. TURNING POINT ACT 1
INT. NORTH POLE CONFERENCE ROOM
Through the glass windows, Kris attention is drawn outside – the other VP’s follow his look. They jump out of their seats watch the sleigh swoop towards the window, it going to hit before it zips away.
INT. SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
The panic room, ELF rushing about trying to get the sleigh back. Tech ELF – I don’t understand – it’s not responding. FIX IT! ALFREDA – Powerplay – Not yet. Let’s not panic – yet. Old Sleigh – no reindeer. Let Johnathan and his team do their jobs. Alfreda’s got a plan – seizes the moment here.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
With Henry at the reigns the sleigh bobs and weaves about barely under control. Samwise yelling instructions, Henry’s failing at it. Land it!
EXT. TOP OF SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE – NIGHT
The sleigh lands – H & SM – Do you know what you’ve done? Borrow it , got something to do. SW-You don’t know these people. Dialogue about Alfreda & helping Santa regain popularity. Henry’s PLAN.
ACT 2
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULLFILMENT CENTER – NIGHT
NEW PLAN GOAL – Get these toys delivered!! Big overhead door raises, Rochelle is there? Or Later? closed up – quiet – the sleigh arrives pulls in and lands. Rochelle is amazed. Who’s that? SW I was an ELF up to now. Need to load up the pending orders. Start by hand until SW introduces some magic.
Voice – technically those belong to the bank. H-technically noted, Let’s ride.
NOTE – WHEN TO GET Basil BACK INTO STORY
INT. NORTH POLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
THE TIME LOCK – COUNT DOWN CLOCK TO CHRISTMAS -SC – I’ve never missed a Christmas. To Alfreda. – I can’t let that happen. SC – any ideas to my sleigh back?
EXT. NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
Henry’s at the reigns. The sled over a populated area. Henry spots something. He takes the sleigh down.
INT. LOCAL TV WEATHER PERSON STUDIO – DAY
Weather person finds Henry on Radar – Texts – ALFREDA !
EXT. FAST FOOD DRIVE THOUGH – NIGHT
The sleigh is parked at the window. Samwise is protesting – Henry just what he wanted. Cell phones are everywhere – posting !
EXT. SUBURBAN ROOF TOPS – NIGHT
Henry and Samwise busy delivering Pelznikel Toy orders. Stop for SELFIES – POSTS!
EXT. ROMANTIC SETTING – NIGHT
TE5 Henry finds and deals with the fact his neighbor Rochelle has a crush on him. Is she on a roof, does Henry see her? Signal?
INT. ALFREDA’S OFFICE – DAY
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT Alfreda pulls up the “NAUGHTY LIST” sends out a video message via a ZOOM like meeting. A – Christmas is in jeopardy like never before. Stop Henry Pelznikel! All Cost- We see what Samwise warned Henry about Alfreda here. She is ruthless!
EXT. LOCATION – BLANK SCREEN – DAY
Another explosion of posts, comments, shares, Henry Pelznikel wants to destroy christmas – must be stopped!!
EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE – NIGHT Via Rochelle’s Phone – HENRY DISCOVERS HE’s HATED – NOT LOVED – DEstroyer of Christmas? WHAT? TIME CLOCK – sleigh back in time for christmas – But I’m not finished! Halfway to go. SW- Get the sleigh back, rest the reindeer load it up and HOOEVES UP Christmas eve. SW- HAS A WATCH-COUNT DOWN.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – NIGHT
TE – Henry’s gaming knowledge Billboards filled with Henry’s & SW images. SW- Alfreda , now were finished. First encounter with the Naughty List intervention & Escape. Fire rokets snares off top of Vegas resort. Kid hanging on a rope, dropped into pool or fountain. ACTION SCENE!
Act 3:
EXT. BEAUTIFUL LOCATION – SLEIGH – SKY – NIGHT
RETHINK EVERYTHING
Rethink everything – TE8- New plan-Henry accepts the real reason he was brought to the North Pole and Santa’s secret mission for him to save it. Henry discovers the beauty of the outdoors. Questions SW on what the acronym means – regards melting NP and relocation. HP- Can’t have Santa’s NP in ATL.
EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT
Henry launches counter message using Basil. She sent away with news – North Pole is melting needs to relocate. How and where?
INT. LOCAL NEWSROOM – DAY
News flash – the North Pole is melting. Seeking relocation assistance. Cities are in a frenzy.
EXT. CLEVELAND – DAY
Mayor giving a pitch on relocation. Cold, windy, barren. Northcoast of America.
INT. TEXAS GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Texas governor , surrounded by cowboy hat wearing aides gives his NP pitch – long as they don’t bring their NP values to TX.
EXT. FLORIDA – DAY
Bright sunny Florida Pitch – we got snow birds we take elves.
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Santa’s watching TV reports of NP relocation pitches. He is suiting up. Expects the sleigh back. Questions Alfreda about how this news was leaked?
INT. ALFEDA’s OFFICE – NIGHT
Idea is hatched – yes of course why not think of that before. Alfreda has a network of “friends” she’s political influencer.
EXT. TOP OF SAINT LOUIS ARCH – NIGHT
Turning Pint HUGE Failer – The Sleigh lands – a light snow begins to fall. The Reindeer paying close attention to it. Alarms Samwise – he knows something is up. Of course – Snow Flake Messenger. SW-Kid you got to set the SLEIGH go. Henry is about to, except only sets the reindeer free. SW- Goes with them. You’ve done all you can. Henry does, the sleigh rocks and slides down the arch – CRASH!
Act 4:
EXT. SAINT LOUIS ARCH – NIGHT
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – TE9 Alfreda and Henry battle on top of the Saint Louis Arch for the sleigh- Alfreda – “Fun and games are over Henry, it’s time for Christmas.”
PLACE HOLDER Bridge the abandoned Henry to North Pole saving plan
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Henry watches as – Thousands of flying animals all species, fly around the NP, faster and faster, creating wind, forcing away the warm air bring cold and snow back.
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Christmas morning – Santa’s sleigh return to North Pole shocked to see it frozen once again.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Resolution TE11 HenryHenry does not take credit for saving the North Pole despite it would restore his reputation and gain millions of followers Santa & Henry resolution over Christmas meaning You made a differnce millions Henry. How about a selfie – No thanks.
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Alfreda – posting the her plan saving to millions of followers , then hits DELETE.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – BREAK ROOM – DAY
Henry enters the breakroom. It’s dark. The lights go on – There’s a big surprise party for Henry.
-
Ed’s High Speed Beat Sheet.
What I learned doing this assignment is as Hal mentioned more creative process when the focus is not on what’s missing or not working but more on what is known. Surprisingly more than I thought! Free flow writing I added hints of dialogue, although that’s not part of the lesson, best I note it before I forget.
HIGH SPEAD BEAT SHEET: DRAFT ONE 9/26
Act 1:
SUPER:
A SINGLE ONLINE POSTS: @HENRYPLOVES TOYS- WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? #TOYS, #CHRISTMAS, #HOTTOYS, #PELZNICKELTOYS
Slowly replies pop on the screen, faster, and faster, overlapping. As fast as they started they fade away. The COMMENTS, LIKES and SHARES are underwhelming.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – DAY
Opening – HENRY, 12, wanders through his family’s toy companies fulfillment center. Despite the activity around him his attention is to his phone. He demands attention but gets none. He carries little weight despite being the son of the owner.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Conveyors, forklifts carts, buzz of energy. employees wear santa hats, christmas light necklaces. Elf Ears, Toy orders picked, packed , scanning. Follow a package traversing the network of conveyors
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
FRANK PELZNIKEL – 40’s , owner , and GEORGE, 50’s, accountant , watch over the floor, concerned more than excited. Business is not robust. A drone buzzes past the window.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – FLOOR – DAY
Henry Henry flying a drone . Not paying attention he wanders in front of a forklift. The driver jerks away into the sortation belt. Crash – the operation comes to a grinding halt.
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Frank and George watch Henry on the floor- Frank – I’ve told him to stay off the floor. Pick’s up a walkie talkie – Get my son off the floor,NOW..
INT. PELZNIKEL FULFILLMENT CENTER – OUTSIDE OFFICE – DAY
enry outside off overhearing arguement on order delays. Christmas will be a mascre for those not delivering. Frank , George and another man is a florecent vest agrue over the state of the business – not good, should have gotten into online sales earlier, bonus not paid, man enters – we’re cutting you off, nothing leaves here until we’re paid. Got to work in Henry overhearing this.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
TE1 – Henry jumps on a computer terminal – posting Pelznickel will deliver everyone’s toys by Christmas – Guaranteed! – @Henrylovestoys, #SantaSucks, #SantaEpicFailure, #Santanonbeliever.
INCITING INCIDENT . Imagery of post sharing , liking, and popping up across the country.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Stern looking man and a sheriff enter office – shut down Pelznikel Toys for unpaid bills.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
A series of monitors, lights, a flashing beacon- List of toy companies , Pelznikel Toys, Close Up , mouth and headgear – Pleznikel Toys has gone off line. A crooked smile unkown origin.
INT. FULLFILMENT CENTER – OFFICE – DAY
Frank worst day – reacts to what Henry has done – Henry’s Promise furious – Why don’t you do something useful! Direct Henry his mother needs his help.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Henry DEJECTED wanders mall past prime days long gone – closed shops, cheaps stores – PELNIKEL TOYS – Hi MOM – CAROL PELZNIKEL – Get’s a hug. Phone PINGS – Henry what did you do? Honey you can’t make promises you can’t keep. You’ve put us in an impossible situation.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – SANTA CASTLE – DAY
Lonely Santa – no kids – Locking Up. despite the lack of attention the Santa acting genuine. Henry nothing to loose makes his wish. What do you want for Christmas, Henry ? How you know my name ? Henry – made a promise I want to keep it. SC- most kids ask for toys – H – Most kids dont ruin a family’s legacy. I know a little something about legacy. If you believe your wish will come true, then it will. Here – text for a chance to win a trip to the NP. Henry POV the NP is tacky set up. Santa’s got to stay up with the times. TE#2
INT. PELZNIKEL HOME – HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Muffled arguments from downstairs. Phone PINGS – text -‘Window” Neighbor – MARCUS, thick glasses, Dude, what you do? Henry’s optimism vs Marcus reality. Before going to bed Henry text the message from Santa’s card.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
Twinkling stars, Snow gently swirls, jingle bells in distance coming closer. Christmas lights flicker. There’s magic in the air.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Henry’s in deep sleep. There’s a THUMP somewhere above him. Then another, load enough to wake Henry. He stumble from bed, checks the hall, all is quiet. Another thump. He opens the window, no Marcus. He hear jingle of bell from above.
EXT. PELZNIKEL HOME – ROOF – NIGHT
A magnificent beast, a reindeer, splendid, turns toward Henry, nods implying for Henry to GET ON.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Henry scramble to change. Throws a backpack. Leaves phone on night stand.
EXT. HENRY’s ROOF – NIGHT
The beast snorts and stomps. Breath steam from nostrils. Henry climbs on it’s back. The reindeer leaps into flight. Henry screams in delight.
EXT. HENRY’S BEDROOM – ROOF – NIGHT
INT. ROCHELLE’S BED ROOM – NIGHT
ROCHELLE, Neighbor, 12, secret admirer. The commotion awakens Rochelle she, looks out the window, see a blur of Henry and Reindeer. By the time she gets his glasses on – GONE.
EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – NIGHT
Henry and reindeer zoom across the sky diving and climbing among the buildings. Henry shouts a whoo! Circles the Space Needle and are gone into the darkness framed by the moon.
INT. HENRY’S ROOM – DAY
Soft knock at the door – MOM enters, searches calls – No Henry – Text phone – PINGS on Table . Runs out -down the hall – FRANK!
EXT. NORTHPOLE – DAY
The reindeer circles a castle atop a ice mountain. Waterfalls, crystals. WONDER. Henry – No way!
INT. NORTHPOLE CASTLE – REINDEER PADDOCK – DAY
Reindeer lands – EIGHT oak, Mahagony Stalls line the Hallway. Henry Climbs off. He walks outside the other beast, all magnificient. ENTER – SAMWISE – Old STABLE ELF, he got wheel barrel, shovel. Grumbling about Christmas. The reindeer. THERE YOU ARE. Out for a midnight run? Heards the animal back into the stall. Turns to find a STUND HENRY. WHO ARE YOU? Youw want to get me fired? H- You’re an ELF? You’re a human? Not polite – Dude. V Voices – Quick, get in. Henry get’s in Wheel Barrell covered by a blanket. Dialogue getting the sleigh ready for test run. TODAY SAMWISE – Testy Exchange pushing Samwise. You know he does’nt like to be kept waiting. SW-Okay kid spill it, who you working for? Pelznikel Toys – I knew it. I won a tour. Hands over the card. Mistake?
INT. NORTHPOLE – WORKSHOP – DAY
Samwise leads Henry through tradtional workshop. ELF’s Hard out work making toys – For show only.
Henry wanders off – pushes through a hidden door into….
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE – DAY
Police – notepads – Frank & Carol Plus Rochelle’s parents – What did Rochelle see? Really can’t say. Heard anything – Yeah Bells – Jingle Bells? Okay kid. Is this realted to his posts? Any threats?
INT. NORTH POLE – OFFICES – DAY
Henry emerges from gthe hidden door into a corporate offices – cubicles, conferences rooms, the buzz that comes from two days before Christmas. GIANT COUNT DOWN CLOCK, He wanders through – ELFS too busy to notice. SEE – NP Melting relocation plan (find acronym)
INT – NORTH POLE OFFICES – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
VICE PRESIDENT ELFS – POWERPOINT. ALFREDA is speaking. Data analysis of social media positive results. Voice in the darkness, at what cost, ALFREDA? – All heads turn to SANTA CLAUS – KRIS to the inner circle. Red suite blue jeans – causual shoes. Topic – Negative Posts
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Samwise catches up to Henry. Qucik disguise-elf hat pulled down low, a vest. Through the glass conference room the two are spotted – Kris taps on the glass, motioned to come in. SW – Don’t say a word.
INT. CONFERNCE ROOM – DAY
Samwise and Henry – enter. Henry sees his posts on the conference room screen!
Dialogue with Santa about sleigh ready and new navigation system. Henry in AW nad surprise of Santa’s Appearence. Ready to go. Welcome to the NP…? Henry, KRIS – Henry.
Who is this? Winter Intern. Alfreda – I started in the stables as well, and look at me now. Henry only nods and smiles. Alfreda sense of recognition but from where???
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Samwise hustles Henry out of there before anymore questions. I don’t know who you are but your not getting me fired I got one more Christmas to go. Nine Days to go to retirement. I got a pension to worry about.
INT. REINDEER PADDOCK – DAY
The paddock is empty – reindeer are gone. Samwise goes to get Henry a ride home. Henry wanders off. Samwsie returns with a old animal of somesort.Henry? Kid wanders off more than a penguin.
INT. NORTH POLE – AIRSTRIP – DAY
On the strip -there it is- Sleigh and Reindeer. It’s impressive deep red and gold. The reindeer, obedient, magastic. Henry – WOW. He marvels at it. Samwise finds him. Kid – get away from there! Henry climbs up into the sleigh. SW – No , No No. SW jumps in the back. Henry takes the REINS – No not the before he can finish the sleigh whooh is off, Samwise nearly thrown off. He climbs back on. The sleigh circles the castle.. TURNING POINT ACT 1
INT. NORTH POLE CONFERENCE ROOM
Through the glass windows, Kris attention is drawn outside – the other VP’s follow his look. They jump out of their seats watch the sleigh swoop towards the window, it going to hit before it zips away.
INT. SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
The panic room, ELF rushing about trying to get the sleigh back. Tech ELF – I don’t understand – it’s not responding. FIX IT! ALFREDA – Powerplay – Not yet. Let’s not panic – yet. Old Sleigh – no reindeer. Let Johnathan and his team do their jobs.
EXT. NIGHT SKY – NIGHT
With Henry at the reigns the sleigh bobs and weaves about barely under control. Samwise yelling instructions, Henry’s failing at it. Land it!
EXT. TOP OF SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE – NIGHT
The sleigh lands – H & SM – Do you know what you’ve done? Borrow it , got something to do. SW-You don’t know these people. Dialogue about Alfreda & helping Santa regain popularity. Henry’s PLAN.
ACT 2
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULLFILMENT CENTER – NIGHT
NEW PLAN GOAL – Get these toys delivered!! Big overhead door raises, Rochelle is there? Or Later? closed up – quiet – the sleigh arrives pulls in and lands. Rochelle is amazed. Who’s that? SW I was an ELF up to now. Need to load up the pending orders. Start by hand until SW introduces some magic.
Voice – technically those belong to the bank. H-technically noted, Let’s ride.
NOTE – WHEN TO GET ROCHELLE BACK INTO STORY
INT. NORTH POLE – SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
THE TIME LOCK – COUNT DOWN CLOCK TO CHRISTMAS -SC – I’ve never missed a Christmas. To Alfreda. – I can’t let that happen. SC – any ideas to my sleigh back?
INT. LOCAL TV WEATHER PERSON STUDIO – DAY
Weather person finds Henry on Radar – Texts – ALFREDA !
EXT. SUBURBAN ROOF TOPS – NIGHT
Henry and Samwise busy delivering Pelznikel Toy orders. Stop for SELFIES – POSTS!
EXT. ROMANTIC SETTING – NIGHT
TE5 Henry finds and deals with the fact his neighbor Rochelle has a crush on him. Is she on a roof, does Henry see her? Signal?
INT. ALFREDA’S OFFICE – DAY
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT Alfreda pulls up the “NAUGHTY LIST” sends out a video message via a ZOOM like meeting. A – Christmas is in jeopardy like never before. Stop Henry Pelznikel! All Cost
EXT. LOCATION – BLANK SCREEN – DAY
Another explosion of posts, comments, shares, Henry Pelznikel wants to destroy christmas – must be stopped!!
EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE – NIGHT Via Rochelle’s Phone – HENRY DISCOVERS HE’s HATED – NOT LOVED – DEstroyer of Christmas? WHAT? TIME CLOCK – sleigh back in time for christmas – But I’m not finished! Halfway to go. SW- Get the sleigh back, rest the reindeer load it up and HOOEVES UP Christmas eve. SW- HAS A WATCH-COUNT DOWN.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – NIGHT
TE – Henry’s gaming knowledge Billboards filled with Henry’s & SW images. SW- Alfreda , now were fisnished. First encounter with the Naughty List intervention & Escape. Fire rcokets snares off top of Vegas resort. Kid hanging on a rope, droped into pool or fountain. ACTION SCENE!
Act 3:
EXT. BEAUTIFUL LOCATION – SLEIGH – SKY – NIGHT
RETHINK EVERYTHING
Rethink everything – TE8- New plan-Henry accepts the real reason he was brought to the North Pole and Santa’s secret mission for him to save it. Henry discovers the beauty of the outdoors. Questions SW on what the acronym means – regards melting NP and relocation. HP- Can’t have Santa’s NP in ATL.
EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT
Henry launches counter message using Rochelle She sent away with news – North Pole is melting needs to relocate. How and where?
INT. LOCAL NEWSROOM – DAY
News flash – the North Pole is melting. Seeking relocation assistance. Cities are in a frenzy.
EXT. CLEVELAND – DAY
Mayor giving a pitch on relocation. Cold, windy, barren. Northcoast of America.
INT. TEXAS GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Texas governor , surrounded by cowboy hat wearing aides gives his NP pitch – long as they don’t bring their NP values to TX.
EXT. FLORIDA – DAY
Bright sunny Florida Pitch – we got snow birds we take elves.
INT. NORTH POLE OFFICES – DAY
Santa’s watching TV reports of NP relocation pitches. He is suiting up. Expects the sleigh back. Questions Alfreda about how this news was leaked?
INT. ALFEDA’s OFFICE – NIGHT
Idea is hatched – yes of course why not think of that before.
EXT. TOP OF SAINT LOUIS ARCH – NIGHT
Turning Pint HUGE Failer – The Sleigh lands – a light snow begins to fall. The Reindeer paying close attention to it. Alarms Samwise – he knows something is up. Of course – Snow Flake Messenger. SW-Kid you got to set the SLEIGH go. Henry is about to, except only sets the reindeer free. SW- Goes with them. You’ve done all you can. Henry does, the sleigh rocks and slides down the arch – CRASH!
Act 4:
EXT. SAINT LOUIS ARCH – NIGHT
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – TE9 Alfreda and Henry battle on top of the Saint Louis Arch for the sleigh
PLACE HOLDER Bridge abandoned Henry to North Pole saving plan
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Henry watches as – Thousands of flying animnals all species, fly around the NP, faster and faster, creating wind, forcing away the warm air bring cold and snow back.
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Christmas morning – Santa’s sleigh return to North Pole shocked to see it frozen once again.
INT. PELZNIKEL TOYS FULFILLMENT CENTER – OFFICES – DAY
Resolution TE11 HenryHenry does not take credit for saving the North Pole despite it would restore his reputation and gain millions of followers Santa & Henry resolution over Christmas meaning You made a differnce millions Henry. How about a selfie – No thanks.
EXT. NORTH POLE – DAY
Alfreda – posting the her plan saving to millions of followers , then hits DELETE.
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Ed’s Transforamtional Events.
What I learned from this assignment is building structure that has character growth and meaning. It’s a efficient way to avoid meaningless scenes while building the backbone of the story that I believe will help point to a theme.
LESSON 6 TRANSFORMATIONAL EVENTS
Old Ways
1.Immature adolescent – childish behavior, not trusted by his parents
2. Henry’s sheltered/protected by his parents
3. Not capable of making good decisions / foolish
4. Disrespected by father – Henry not the future to Pelznikel toys
5. Trouble making friends – unpopular
New Ways
1. Grows up/matures – makes his own decisions, takes action
2. Independent – leaves home for the North Pole
3. Competent – Samwise believes/trusts in him, evades Naughty List
4. Respected – outsmarting the North Pole/Save North Pole , leadership
5. Popular – millions know his name, friends Samwise and Rochelle
Change Steps:
1. Realize his parents toy company has has a problem he can help them with using social media skills
2. Leave home for an NP adventure
3. Make Friends with Samwise and Rochelle
4. Avoid getting caught by Naughty List , rely on computer game tactics
5. Facing Alfreda beating her at her own game
6. Solve a big problem, saving the North Pole
7. Not taking credit for what he accomplished
DRAMATIC TRANSFORMATIONAL EVENTS
Create a viral online post ,@HenryPLovesToys, promising all Pelznikel Toy orders will be delivered by Christmas while trolling Santa Clause with #SantaSucks.
Henry text reply to what he thinks is a bogus trip to North Pole contest, but it’s not. Leaves home on his own, to NP under mysterious circumstances.
Henry swipes Santa’s Sleigh with Elf Samwise on board. Henry makes friends with curmudgeon Elf – Samwise.
Henry finds and deals with the fact his neighbor Rochelle has a crush on him.
Alfreda mounts her plan to discredit Henry and return the sleigh.
Henry and Samwise must find ways to escape the pursuit and capture by the Naughty List.
Henry accepts the real reason he was brought to the North Pole and Santa’s secret mission for him to save it.
Henry does not take credit for saving the North Pole despite it would restore his reputation and gain millions of followers
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Ed Lusk.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Ed Lusk – Transformational Four Act Structure.
What I learned in this assignment is this structure is a efficient way to check if the character’s transformation is aligned with the plot structure. A check for turning points and change of plans. If not, where it needs correction or addition. I’m not 100% confidant in the main conflict , however, for draft one its a start.
Create a first draft of your 4 Act Transformational Structure.
1. Give us the following:
Concept
An obscure influencer for his failing family toys business finds himself pursued by Santa’s Social Media Influencer Elf and her Naughty List after the boy swipe’s Santa’s sleigh to make good on an online promise.
Main Conflict
Alfreda wants Henry stopped at all cost and Santa’s sleigh returned in time for Christmas Eve.
Old Ways
Henry’s coddled by his parents
Dreams of being a influencer yet has few followers
Henry’s contributions not respected by his father
Henry doesn’t have any friends
New Ways
Henry goes out on his own on secret trip to the North Pole
Henry swipes Santa’s sleigh & chased.
Henry takes a chance to help family business and gain followers
Henry makes a friend in Reindeer Stable Elf – Samwise
2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
Act 1:
Opening
The Pelznikel Family Toys business is not doing well. Creditors are circling like buzzards. Henry’s feels helpless and alone. He tries to help with social media posts. His drone video nearly wrecks the fulfillment center. Creditors shut down the business two days before Christmas
Inciting Incident – Henry’s posts his promise all Pelznikel toys will be delivered by Christmas while also trolling Santa Clause goes viral.
Turning Point
Henry’s takes Santa’s Sleigh with Elf Samwise onboard with hopes of using it to deliver Pelznikel Toys by Christmas.
Act 2:
New plan
Using the sleigh, Henry’s trying to make good on promise but the sleigh is not easy to control. Lot’s of near misses as it swoops and swoons across city skylines. No one knows who’s behind it – yet. Rochelle, Henry’s neighbor and secret admirer joins the team.
Plan in action
Henry’s without a way to make posts. He devises ways for others to post him and the sleigh. Lots of Selfies! Catches the attention of a TV Meteorologist and Elfreda’s confidant. Using his weather radar to track the sleigh. Samwise helps pointing out the the sleigh’s added features that Henry uses to his advantage.
Midpoint Turning Point – Alfreda – Santa’s right hand Elf is call upon to do whatever is necessary to stop Henry and get that sleigh back!
Act 3:
Rethink everything
Alfreda’s trolling Henry. He’s now enemy of Christmas jeopardizing the holiday for everyone with his foolish plans. The Naughty List is sent after Henry to stop him. Chases and near misses.
Henry’s discovers Santa has a plan for him that did not include the Sleigh Theft. He wants Henry’s help to save the North Pole from Climate Change. Rochelle expresses her feelings for Henry – a first!
New plan
A skeptical public sees Henry’s post about Santa’s needs help because the North Pole is melting as false narrative. Santa does needs everyone’s help or North Pole will need relocation.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
The reindeer are called back to the North Pole. Henry sets them free along with Samwise, The sleigh teeters near disaster on top of the Saint Louis Arch. Then crashes.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Henry uses a little Christmas magic to save the North Pole. Alfreda takes all the credit for it.
Resolution
Santa helps deliver the rest of Pelznikel toys. He saves the Pelznickel toy company with a huge contract for toys. Santa shares with Henry’s parents it is all because of Henry who taught Santa a valuable lesson. To be determined!
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Ed Lusk – Character Interviews.
What I learned from doing this assignment is the more free flowing and spontaneous the interview is the better the responses.It’s quite fun. I still sense I’m holding back but this is a valuable creative exercise.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST – HENRY PELZNIKEL
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Henry Pelznikel. I’m 12 years old. My dad owns Pelznikel toys. We’re going to be the biggest toy company in the world! He opened this huge building outside of town for online orders. My mom still works at our last store at the mall. I’m an influencer, mostly toys. I have 1516 followers – so far. My dad doesn’t see the value, thinks it’s a waste of time. My mom thinks its a safe hobby, she doesn’t want me doing anything extreme because I nearly died of a few years back. I don’t have a lot of friends. My neighbor next door, Rochelle, she’s cool – for a girl. I have on-line gaming friends, instead. It’s Christmas break so I’m helping my dad out in the warehouse. Mostly odd jobs. He doesn’t trust me. I don’t know why. I love my dad. He’s very driven. Some dads want their son to follow them. He doesn’t. My mom just wants me to be safe and happy.
Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you? At first I didn’t think any of it was real. I mean a real North Pole and one that’s more like my dad’s office than a magic castle, although come on the reindeer do fly. I think everyone thought I’d fail. I think I surprised them when I took the sled. That was a game changer! Santa wanted me to come to the North Pole. That’s a big mystery in what his Christmas present was for me , or maybe he saw something in me that he needed help with. I think he realized he was too isolated. Could not trust the people around him. I saw that in my dad as well. I think I was selected because I was not in this for myself. Even though I’m an influencer I didn’t do this for me, in the end. I realized that getting the followers was not what I wanted. What I really wanted is to know myself better. I’m almost a teenager, know that I could accomplish something on my own, although Samwise and Rochelle helped. And Santa. He’s not what you think, but only he and I know that. I think my intentions were good, and I would understand and handle what others thought.
You are up against . What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you? Well I’m just a kid. Never flew a sled before or left the state of Washington. Alfreda is scary good at what she does. Always one step ahead. I had to be two steps if I wanted to succeed. That I learned lated on. I was raised not to take risks. I think my dad was regretting the risk he took with online business but he felt pressured he had to. I was sheltered from that. I wanted followers because they like me and what I had to offer – toy recommendations. Next thing you know the whole world is against me because they want their toys! Free stuff because they asked Santa for it, because they are good. Well, no one is that good. It’s done to keep up the persona, that institution, it what they believe and no one likes their belief system challenged so discovered. Then there’s Alfreda- not a bad person once you get to know her but she takes her job way to seriously, LOL. That was it for her, a job, everyone expected her to succeed because she never failed – that’s the perception. She taught me not to worry about what other’s think of me. Go out and be yourself and stick to your values. She’ll never be better than what she is now but still she tried to take me down, not for her but for SC and the whole NP. She’s that dedicated, impressive. She very afraid of failure, it’s like her whole world would collapse if she did.
In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult? Believe in myself. I was on my own really, Samwise was more worried about losing his pension than me, understandable. I did not mean to take the sled, it just took off. But you didn’t return it. No, I didn’t. I was and plan, a way to contribute, show my dad I could as he said “make myself useful” At first it seemed easy until Alfreda sent her Naughty List after me. Who does that?? I was thinking If I were a game how do I escape mush different than the one trying to catch. It’s all about being a step ahead. Don’t follow me instead of follow me, does that make sense? Go on – well I wanted to be where Alfreda thought I’d be. It’s a big country! Once she was able to track me I knew I was finished. Her and her snowflakes messengers. Did not see that coming. Samwise knew that too. I felt betrayed but I understand why he did it. Why? He’s life is the NP, he didn’t like much of what he saw outside of it. Could blame him for that. Trust in myself was hard after SW left. I had to abandoned my plan and save the NP instead. I thought that was hard because I wanted to help my dad the most and show him I could. But you did show him? Sort of , I didn’t want to credit for it. I was happy to know I did it for them. That was good enough for me.
What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of? For people to like me, to know people wanted me safe and sheltered although that felt good it could not last, I need to get out on my own. I didn’t need to post everything , I couldn’t. I had some great moments. You did – people were posting about you #HenryPelznickelsucks. Yeah, cool. I thought I cared what they thought but it doesn’t matter. They’ve moved on and so have I.
What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? Held back, as in not not being afraid of them? More like what you have told me about. Oh, like a counseling. LOL I don’t think the bar was set to high for me by my parents. Deep down I think they see me as weak maybe frail, because of the encephalitis? That a disease, but I caught the disease, only weak people do that. Why not make you stronger then? I think if they loved me too much they couldn’t handle the hurt if I got sick again, you know – died. I thought about death – ontop of the arch, more than about failure. I was actually worried how my parents would react to that. Well -that’s good. You’re thinking about others – exactly ! That changed mind. But you were trying to deliver toys, make good on your promise. Yes I was , but more for me than them.What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? None! LOL, well actually I did know more about social influencing than what Alfreda thought so I could turn against her. I understood game strategy to help escape being chased. I understood what people want and why, to make others happy, that is why we give, right? Santa knew that, it not about him, he’s literally just the messenger.
What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know? I never had a real plan in mind. I was making this up as I went along, but really who could have anticipated what I’d come across? We all had this idea, this belief in Santa, the NP , it all a facade. Is it? Well not entirely, they are good people who want what’s best. Never missed a Christmas yet! They are so obsessive LOL. I didn’t want them to know I was afraid. That If I failed I’d only be more sheltered more coddled. That’s a scary thought going into a teenager. I cheated death once. In some ways now I was challenging it, that’ s my superpower. Reckless? No fearless. There’s a difference.
What do you think of ? Santa Claus? He worries too much for a jolly elf. He cares so much about kids. He can’t disappoint, but it getting harder to stay connected. He misses those letters, written by hand. Don’t stop doing that. NP can’t make the toys kids want. That’s his thing you know. He worries about staying competitive , being relevant. He’s learning how to , maybe it’s still the hope, that someone cares.
Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. My side? Who’s other side is there? LOL, Well I think you just told me. Right, maybe that is why SC wanted me to come to the NP, I’m his chosen messenger. A true influencer. Isn’t that Alfreda’s job? I think she lacks the empathy? She’s from the NP so she’s biased, maybe not trusted. I’m a toy influencer. Now? I was, I’ve moved onto bigger things, LOL. So I made a promise, one I should not have, given what I knew it seemed like the right idea. And there was this intervention. Were you the chosen one? They say it was a mistake, maybe it was. Maybe some other kid was meant to go to the NP. When it was me they Alfreda shifted to damage control. That’s her speciality anyway. I saw a way to make good and still get the sleigh back on time but as they say, nothing goes as planned. So I had damage control, but you know it wasn’t about me anyway.
What does it do for your life if you succeed here? Some people believe me some don’t. It’s a fantastic tale. Some want to monetize it. I don’t. Will you go to work at the NP? I’m not allowed. Maybe consult LOL. I think I can go forward with my life more confident, not afraid, take the risks to be what I want to be, authentically. I want people to see the real me, not some profile on a screen.
Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST – ALFREDA ELF.
Tell me about yourself. Well to be brief as this is a very busy time for Santa’s Elves. I understand – go on – My name is Alfreda, I’m an Elf at the North Pole, my title is Santa’s Generator of Niceness, something like a social media manager in the NEW. The new? Non-Elf World. I’ve served Santa in many roles and I’m extremely proud to be part of his inner-wreath. Like a circle for you. The only female Elf , I might add.
Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? Well, it’s been awhile since I interviewed for a job – a mirth-like smile. I represent the North Pole. I’m a team player, not only do I have resources I know how best they can be used to get the job done. They don’t call me the felt covered hammer for nothing. I’m tough, strong and undeterred. No weaknesses? I’d say I fear failure more than anything. I don’t take criticism well. I have a soft spot for the underdog having been one too.
Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change? Of course I’m committed to Henry failing . He took, without permission, Santa’s sleigh two days before Christmas! I was instructed to get it back -without fail, by whatever means necessary. That sounds harsh, Alfreda. It’s Christmas! There is no Plan B. Sorry but it was his decision. I understand his motivation, however the foolishness of one boy doesn’t ruin Christmas for everyone.
What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition? I get to keep my job. I don’t need praise. I’m here to serve Santa in whatever capacity he needs me. There is no other higher calling.
What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death? I think of the millions of children waking up Christmas morning with no toys from Santa. Unthinkable. They asked Santa and we deliver. Every year. We have a promise to keep to, more than a promise, an institution, to uphold.
What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? My methods can be, some say harsh, I say unorthodox. I’m not proud of soliciting the Naughty List to succeed but they’ll get the job done. Look, the North Pole is facing huge challenges right now. Not only are the world’s children relying on me but so is the lively hood of hundred of Elves. We don’t have many options outside the NP. I fear letting them down the most. The ends justifies the means? In this scenario, yes.
Compared to other people like you, what makes you special? Others like me? There is no one else like me. You can’t mean that Alfreda. You’re right, I’m not a arrogant person, although I can be perceived as such. I’m special because I worked my way up from nothing. I’m proud of that. Not all Elves are born merry. FYI, life in NP can be as unfair as anywhere else. We still must all make our own success.
What do you think of <the Protagonist>? Henry? He’s a good boy at heart. Unlike me, he was protected, coddled because he nearly died. I’m not a parent, so I can’t say what that’s like. Like me he’s surprisingly resourceful when he has to be. His inexperience is his strength, leads to unpredictable. He has a bright future, Im glad he learned that. He owes us a new sled, however.
Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. We deliver Christmas every year. There’s no delays or postponements. Like I said, millions expect it. It’s not just a tradition for us.It’s our livelihood and it’s our heritage. Don’t mess with that for petty reasons.
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Ed Lusk Character Profiles Part 2
What I learned from doing this assignment is a deeper dive into character is not obvious. It takes me further thought not only to the traits but how they impact and play into story. Does story drive traits or character traits drive story? I like to think the characters traits are going to elevate conflict.
HENRY PELZNIKEL – PROTAGONIST
What draws us to this character? He’s sincere kid with good intentions. Classic underdog. Hidden strengths yet to be discovered.
What makes him happy is?
Increasing “Likes”, ” Shares” , online comments , funny emojis. He does not know much about personal relationships , sheltered, He almost lost his life due to illness, parents are too protective, if they let Henry be a kid, he’d be happy about that.
Traits:, Foolish, Spontaneous, Wholesome, coddled
Subtext: Self-esteem comes from the love of others not from self.
Flaw: Low self-esteem, Materialistic , sheltered
Values: Loyalty ,commitment, understanding , love
Irony: Does not know how to relate to people on personal level
What makes this the right character for this role?
He’s unaware of the fighting spirit within. He’ll surprise us as much as he will surprise himself at what he can do. The classic underdogALFREDA ELF – ANTAGONIST
What draws us to this character? Pushed from behind the scenes to biggest North Pole challenge. She’s a tough elf, co-workers don’t respect her (shared with HP) calculated calmness under fire. She’s calculating and loyal to the NP Doctrine. SC more popular than ever because of her.
Traits: Calculating, Socially Aware Influencer, Protective
Subtext: Don’t cross her, she’s unforgiving
Flaw: Temper
Values: Hard work, resilience,
Irony: She’s not recognized/appreciated for her accomplishments
What makes this the right character for this role? No one has the NP’s back like Alfreda. She’s been there since she was a child. No one works harder and is more loyal to SC the she is. Her hearts always in the right place although he methods can be a bit harsh. -
Ed Lusk’s Character Profiles Part 1
What I learned from this assignment is how much (better) defined characters drive and create the story.
ROLE IN THE STORY –
PROTAGONIST – HENRY PELZNIKEL:
Explorer/Hero – A sheltered young boy & obscure Toy Social Media Influencer, unaware of life outside the devices. In pursuit of 10,000 followers. He’s lacks respect , spontaneously makes a online promise he can’t keep to save his family’s toy business. Sleigh “borrower” who finds himself mystified and challenged by unexpected ruthless North Pole Elf.
ROLE IN THE STORY –
ANTAGONIST – ALFREDA – ELF
Change Agent , Santa’s most trusted Elf and Influencer. Unwavering loyalty to the North Pole’s vision and mission statement. She’ll do whatever it takes shelter Santa from negative publicity while getting SC’s sleigh back and stopping Henry from ruining Christmas for all.
OTHER CHARACTERS:
Supporting:
Samwise – Henry’s accidental partner in crime , old reindeer handler elf 9 days from retirement
Rochelle – Henry’s neighbor and confidant , secret admirer
Natalie Pelznikel – Mother
Jack Pelznikel – Father
Minor:
Jack’s Pelznikel Toys Staff
Santa’s Staff – Dedicated , political back stabber -Let Alfreda self destruct
The Naughty List – assorted malcontents
Background:
Pelznikel Toy employees
Worker Elves
General Public /Social Media Posts
GENRE:
Action/Drama
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THE TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY – HENRY PELZNIKEL
INTERNAL JOURNEY – from foolish isolated disrespected son to brave, respected and inspirational adventurer
EXTERNAL JOURNEY – From a obscure naive social media influencer to brave adventurer who outsmarted adults and redefined true meaning of Christmas
OLD WAYS
Lives for Social Media
Christmas = receiving
Foolish/poor decisions
Sheltered
Seeks approval and self esteem from followers
Father’s disapproval , mother’s coddling
Disrespected
Naive
Making promises Can’t Keep – Incompetent
View of World – Materialistic
NEW WAYS
Experience life outside of devices
Explorer
Resourceful renegade
Outsmart Adults (Elf)
Giving
Integrity
Worldly
Believes!
Respected
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Hi, I’m Ed Lusk, sorry I’m late to the class, multiple tech issues had to be overcome.
I’ve written four scripts. I hope and will learn to apply and use the discipline and skills to write a script, first draft , in 30 Days.
I volunteer as a Trainman on the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad in the National Park. All aboard!
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I like that it has a very gritty feel. It captures a no nonsense, this a dirty business message. You may want to add the scene heading for context. ” stop the explosion of puke” no that’s cinematic!
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Got it, I like the development you put forth. Indeed the heart of the story is more about the human trafficking slant where Mike’s the center of it all and less about him solving the serial killer mystery mode. I think you’ll get more emotional bang for you buck with focus on victims, betryaals and double crosses etc. The triangle of Mike, Victoria, and Bob still works so as Mike is the one doing the juggling, if it is indeed his story being told.
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There’s a lot going on, given the abbreviated format the story’s choppy, however there is action and intrigue. Is this considered Victoria’s story, or is this story more of an ensemble cast? If Victoria is the main character protagonist, try to emphasize her point of view more as her decisions and problem solving are driving the story and producing the drama.
Structure point, there is a note; “we know what is going on Page 30.” Actually we should know what’s going on by page 10. Given all your character’s agendas and relationships, that a bugger, but not impossible, task.
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Developing nicely David. Seems to me the heart of this story is a fish out of water tale. Your Voodoo Queen faces the challenges of surviving outside of her beloved New Orleans. Her physical journey takes her out west and her emotional journey is from a mystical queen to a mine owning benefactor. As you identified in elevating Second turning point, more antagonism and escalating was needed.
Keeping making the VD the strongest character possible with her trying to solve bigger than life problems as cinema requires. I like the how she’s trying to stay to her true identity while adapting to her new life. Do whatever you can do to make these elements very hard to achieve and throw in plenty of twists ruthless antagonist will add to your already interesting story.
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Thanks Michael, good stuff. Appreciate it. I’m not sold on using dreams scenes – yet. They can be a cliche. They are tied to Father Merchant’s back story. He became a priest, partly out of guilt because his mother was sexually assaulted and died. It was her dying wish that Simon find peace and forgiveness. His character is conflicted over his priesthood pledge as well as using science to cure vampirism. So, good point, I need to make all this more relevant and pay-off.
My work is an adaptation of another’s work ( a web series) , so I’m walking a thin line keeping within his original text yet telling the story cinematically.
Yofiel get’s around via cockroaches, it his thing. There’s an earlier scene when he first appears with the same method. Similar in The Mummy, he used scarabs once to transform.
Cool idea about the raw steak, much more visceral than the lunch meat! I’m using it 😉
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Hi David, very interesting and unique concept. You have immaginative story elements to develop and elevate. Enjoy your future breakthroughs!
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Are you copying and pasting from a screenplay program directly to forums? You may experiment with posting to a clipboard first, experiment with a C&P methods that leaves the code out of it. Then copy that record over from clipboard to the forums. Good luck. You have good content but yeah, hard to navigate with the coding.
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Hi Randall, is this your lesson 7 post? It looks like what you posted for lesson three?
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Your protagonist, Susan, has a terrific profile, I can see her as an entertaining character. Try to develop the antagonist, Lord Logan, even more. You’ll have a great paring!
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You’re welcome, when you get an opportunity please give feedback any one of the forum lessons I’ve posted. Thanks.
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Mark – I left some notes for you in the forum for Lesson One.
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Hi Mark, you are off to a good start, contained horror, is always a in-demand genre to write.
Your logline has good elements but reads disjointed with added exposition not critical to the main story line. Yes critical to the screenplay, which the logline’s job to get it read.we can break it down like this.
If your LG is following logline example format # 3 – (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome), We can break it down like this:
Situation: A victim of car accident that left her blind and orphaned
Face large obstacle: is trapped with her brother in n a funeral home with the Angel of Death on Halloween night
Outcome: they must survive the Angel of Deaths harvesting of hearts
The logline all about the protagonists story. All the other stuff, although important to the screenplay, is not needed in the LG. Ideally you like to hook in the reader with something unique, as locked in a funeral home isn’t new, however, for example, something like the harvesting of hearts for some really cool or surprising reason, would elevate your logline’s attraction.
An example of where he you could go: A victim of a car accident which left her blind and orphaned finds herself and her brother trapped in a funeral home on Halloween night where they must survive the Angel of Death annual harvesting of hearts for (some cool reason) or be the next victims. There’s less exposition and more staying on story in this example.
Consider when constructing your one page the parent’s car accident be the opening scene then jump to a year later where Precious and Larry are picked up by the college boys as the inciting incident. The Angel of Death scene at the funeral home can then follow. Then the arrival by the gang. That should get you to end of page 10 and we know what the story is about.
Do you really want brother Larry killed off so soon as the act one turning point? He’s really import to Precious, I’m sure he’s critical to her survival and a source of conflict for her guilt. Personally, I’d keep him alive up to the climax where his death would have more emotional impact. The Angel of death doing her thing is still great for a turning point, maybe someone else?
Midpoint – Angle of Death captures Precious? That’s awesome, it it is, but you got to tell us what special interest the AOD has in Precious. That’s a big set and payoff moment, can’t let that go to unnoticed.
Second turning point end go act two – I think it the teens run out of time on Earth and that’s no coincidence. And, or, Carl’s reveal as a AOD servant. Again, another, wow that cool stuff , but more insight as to what’s going on and how’s this involving Precious.
Crisis time – Could be Precious sacrifices herself to save Larry but fails. This is where I see the value of holding off of Larry’s death, as Precious now is truly alone and out of options. Her failure only adds to her guilt, making redemption that much harder to achieve.
Resolution- I like that the Angel of Death is letting Precious go. The reasons are not all that clear, however a horror story needs a survivor and you have one. We all know one day we shall die. In Precious case, she is blind so that only elevates her anxiety. If the AOD leaves Previous with day she’ll die or the way she’ll die, that certainly is terrifying.
You have all kinds if good stuff going on. I’d concentrating on telling Precious story arc more clearly. Leave out some of the exposition that’s not critical while clarifying and building up the story beats that are really interesting . Having a blind protagonist in a horror story is really great, it’s a challenge, but also has the opportunity to build suspense and intensity so focus on that too. Good luck!
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Randall, I found this info (link below) which might correct the issue. Hopefully it works, and takes away those distractions from your good writing.
https://articlebin.michaelmilette.com/productivity-tip-copy-and-paste-without-junk/
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Good work Michael, I can see this as a film noir type of story. I like your characters that operate outside of society. A little Quentin Tarantino – ish! Keep refining and focusing.