Elle de Champagne
Forum Replies Created
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FONDANT ROOM IN BAKERY – DAY
NANCY (50s), the fondant specialist, stands before a 7 layered undecorated cake getting a sense of it’s spirit before she gets to work decorating it.
RALPH (35), the chef of the bakery, walks in talking.
RALPH
I know it’s only been a few days…
(he hesitates)
but I got you a new partner.
NANCY
I don’t want a partner.
RALPH
I know George meant a lot to you and it’s been hard for you since his heart attack…
NANCY
Am I not keeping up with the work?
RALPH
(pointing to the cake)
They’re coming to pick it up in an hour.
NANCY
What?! What’s going on?… I won’t even have time to set it. What happened to tomorrow morning?
RALPH
(matter-of-factly)
The client wants it in an hour.
Nancy paces back and forth a couple of times.
RALPH
Nancy…
NANCY
Why are you doing this?
RALPH
It’s the client –
NANCY
Fine, but I’m going to choose my partner.
RALPH
There’s no time.
NANCY
Fine! As long as it’s not…
SQUIRE (24), walks in as she says his name.
NANCY
Squire.
SQUIRE
Ooo. I love how you say my name.
NANCY
Absolutely not. He’s barely out of school let alone diapers! He doesn’t have the skills to pull this off. He doesn’t know my moves.
SQUIRE
Ooo. You got moves?
RALPH
(walking out)
One hour.
NANCY
(pointedly)
Stay out of my way.
SQUIRE
Your wish is my command, me lady… I’ll get started on the roses.
NANCY
That’s my specialty.
He makes his way to the icing board for the roses.
SQUIRE
So I heard your beautifulness is retiring next week.
NANCY
Yes, and I don’t want one of my last chef d’oeuvres to be ruined… especially for these clients.
Squire places his first rose on a board.
SQUIRE
Did you know that french is the language of love.
Nancy leans across him to reach for the silver ribbon and inadvertently, on purpose, squashes his rose.
NANCY
Oh, I’m sorry.
SQUIRE
You’re pretty sexy when you’re forceful.
She hands him the silver ribbon.
SQUIRE
Are you saying you want me to tie you up.
She tries to reach for the fondant but Squire is in the way. He smiles.
NANCY
I’ll show you how we make roses here.
He picks it up and hands it to her with a smile.
She starts on the roses.
NANCY
Your charms won’t work on me, boy.
He winks at her even though she’s too busy with the roses to notice. Then he notices the color of the ribbon she gave him is silver.
SQUIRE
I thought the ribbons were suppose to be gold.
She hides her deception.
NANCY
Nope.
He takes a look at the requisition.
SQUIRE
It says gold.
NANCY
They called to change to silver.
SQUIRE
But…
NANCY
The customer’s my neighbor.
After a moment –
SQUIRE
You da boss.
NANCY
Cordon blue schooling taught you well.
He feels the jab.
After a few moments, he finishes with the ribbon.
SQUIRE
I’ll get started on the topper.
NANCY
Made it yesterday.
He looks at the back of her head with steely eyes. She turns around, ready to confront. He lifts his shoulders and…
SQUIRE
Okay.
She’s surprised by his ease. After a few moments, she softens.
NANCY
Thank you for helping.
SQUIRE
I knew you’d come around to my charms.
NANCY
You had to ruin the moment.
Squire pulls the topper out of the refrigerator.
NANCY
Please be careful with that. It took me hours.
She places her roses on the cake.
He slides by Nancy. She’s so focussed on her roses that she doesn’t notice him a few inches away. He takes a whiff of her perfume…
SQUIRE
Mmm…
She’s startled and whips her arm around, hits him. The topper goes flying, lands on the floor, and breaks into a million pieces. He slips on one of the pieces and knocks Nancy off kilter. She tries all she can not to fall forward on the cake…
NANCY
Noooooooo.
Squire watches her in slow motion and muffles his laugh.
She can’t avoid the cake and totally destroys it. They both land on the floor with cake and fondant all over them.
At that very moment, Ralph walks into the disaster. He’s at a loss for words until…
RALPH
The ribbon’s suppose to be gold.
NANCY
I told him, but no, you insisted on him being here.
SQUIRE
It’s not her fault. She couldn’t resist my boyish charm.
She screams and an icing-wrestling match ensues. Ralph tries to break it up but gets pulled in to the icing bloodbath.
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Logline: Nancy must get her cake masterpiece ready in an hour.
Essence: Nancy knows there’s a conspiracy against her and she tries to foil their plans.
FONDANT ROOM IN BAKERY – DAY
NANCY (50s) stands before a 7 layered undecorated cake getting a sense of it’s spirit before she gets to work decorating it.
RALPH (35), the chef of the bakery, walks in talking.
RALPH
I know it’s only been a few days…
(he hesitates)
but I got you a new partner.
NANCY
I don’t want a partner.
RALPH
I know George meant a lot to you and it’s been hard for you since his heart attack…
NANCY
Am I not keeping up with the work?
RALPH
(pointing to the cake)
They’re coming to pick it up in an hour.
NANCY
What?! What’s going on?… I won’t even have time to set it. What happened to tomorrow morning?
RALPH
(matter-of-factly)
The client wants it in an hour.
Nancy paces back and forth a couple of times.
RALPH
Nancy…
NANCY
Why are you doing this?
RALPH
It’s the client –
NANCY
Fine, but I’m going to choose my partner.
RALPH
There’s no time.
NANCY
Fine! As long as it’s not…
SQUIRE (24), walks in as she says his name.
NANCY
Squire.
SQUIRE
Ooo. I love how you say my name.
NANCY
Absolutely not. He’s barely out of school let alone diapers! He doesn’t have the skills to pull this off. He doesn’t know my moves.
SQUIRE
Ooo. You got moves?
RALPH
(walking out)
One hour.
NANCY
(pointedly)
Stay out of my way.
SQUIRE
Your wish is my command, me lady… I’ll get started on the roses.
NANCY
That’s my specialty.
He makes his way to the icing board for the roses.
SQUIRE
So I heard your beautifulness is retiring next week.
NANCY
Yes, and I don’t want one of my last chef d’oeuvres to be ruined by a beginner.
Squire places his first rose on a board.
SQUIRE
Did you know that french is the language of love.
Nancy spares no time in squashing his rose.
NANCY
Listen. I care more about the client at the moment. If you’re going to be my partner, you’re going to do as I say.
SQUIRE
You’re pretty sexy when you’re forceful.
She hands him the silver ribbon.
SQUIRE
Are you saying you want me to tie you up.
She tries to reach for the fondant but Squire is in the way. He smiles.
NANCY
I need the fondant.
He picks it up and hands it to her with a smile.
She starts on the roses.
NANCY
Your charms won’t work on me, boy.
He winks at her even though she’s too busy with the roses to notice. Then he notices the color of the ribbon she gave him is silver.
SQUIRE
I thought the ribbons were suppose to be gold.
She hides her deception.
NANCY
Nope.
He takes a look at the requisition.
SQUIRE
It says gold.
NANCY
They called to change to silver.
SQUIRE
But…
NANCY
I didn’t have time to change it on the req.
After a moment –
SQUIRE
You da boss.
NANCY
The cordon blue schooling taught you at least that much.
He feels the jab.
After a few moments, he finishes with the ribbon.
SQUIRE
I’ll get started on the topper.
NANCY
I made it yesterday.
He looks at the back of her head with steely eyes. She turns around, ready to confront. He lifts his shoulders and…
SQUIRE
Okay.
She’s surprised by his ease. After a few moments, she softens.
NANCY
Thank you for helping.
Squire pulls the topper out of the refrigerator.
SQUIRE
I knew you’d come around to my charms.
NANCY
You had to ruin the moment.
She places her roses on the cake.
He slides by Nancy. She’s so focussed on her roses that she doesn’t notice him a few inches away. He takes a whiff of her perfume…
SQUIRE
Mmm…
She’s startled and whips her arm around, hits him. The topper goes flying, lands on the floor, and breaks into a million pieces. He slips on one of the pieces and knocks Nancy off kilter. She tries all she can not to fall forward on the cake…
NANCY
Noooooooo.
Squire watches her in slow motion and muffles his laugh.
She can’t avoid the cake and totally destroys it. The both land on the floor with cake and fondant all over them.
At that very moment, Ralph walks into the disaster. He’s at a loss for words until…
RALPH
The ribbon’s suppose to be gold.
NANCY
I told him, but no, you insisted on him being here.
SQUIRE
It’s not her fault. She couldn’t resist my boyish charm.
She screams and an icing-wrestling match ensues. Ralph tries to break it up but gets pulled in to the icing bloodbath.
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Elle’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange
Logline: John, a dirty undercover FBI agent playing both sides of the case he’s been investigating, catches up to Nick, who’s blown the whistle on him to the organization he’s infiltrated. Before he knocks him off, he needs to know how much Nick knows about him.
Essence: John needs to get the information before he takes Nick out.
INT. NICK’S SECRET OFFICE – NIGHT
Nick rushes into his office searching for a document.
John, turns the desk chair to reveal himself with his gun pointed straight at Nick.
Nick spots him, plays calm, unaffected. He knows he’s got a chance at getting himself out of this predicament.
NICK
Where’s the posse?
John gives him a knowing look – You know I’m a lone gun man.
JOHN
(referring to the gun he’s holding)
Nice gun. Vintage?
NICK
Keep it. It’s yours.
Nick points at the chair that John occupies.
NICK
Can I get my seat back.
John points the gun to the guest seat across the desk.
Nick obliges. After a moment –
NICK
Don’t worry, I destroyed the evidence.
John laughs. Doesn’t buy in.
NICK
By the way, that guns not loaded.
JOHN
(as a matter of factly)
Info’s still around if you’re still alive… We can do it the easy way… or the easy way.
NICK
Yeah sure. I’ll take the easy way. But I thought Grubber wasn’t interested in the information anymore.
Nick’s insinuating that Grubber wants John dead for another reason.
JOHN
Nice. I know what you’re up to.
NICK
Oh, ok. You didn’t know. Sure. So what do you want to know? I’m an open book.
JOHN
Yeah, I heard you’re selling the info to anyone who’ll listen.
NICK
Yeah, the only thing is the right people aren’t listening. Like you for instance.
JOHN
Okay. Here it comes. I’ll bite.
NICK
Well, now that we know you’re in with Blankov, there’s a price on your head.
John shakes his head in amusement at the information that he already knew.
JOHN
So this is the big reveal?
NICK
Nope.
John gets weary of Nick’s game. He cuts to the chase.
JOHN
Who’s behind Sugarland?
Nick laughs.
NICK
I mean, that’s so weird.
JOHN
Enough with the stalling tactics.
John gets up threatening to beat it out of Nick.
Nick puts a hand up, urging John to sit back down.
NICK
See, now you have me confused. Did you mean, who’s behind Dark Shadow?
John lays the gun on the table and starts a countdown.
JOHN
Five.
NICK
Because O’Mahoney’s behind Dark Shadow.
Something that John didn’t know. Meanwhile, Nick covertly fishes for a gun stashed under his chair. John still needs to know what Nick knows about Sugarland.
JOHN
Four.
John cocks his gun.
NICK
Is this a test or what?
Nick’s struggling to find the gun without being detected.
JOHN
Three.
John raises his gun.
JOHN
Come on, I know you got more than that in you. Where’s the fuckin’ asshole who fucked my wife?
Nick didn’t know that John knew. He works hard to play un-phased.
NICK
(stalling)
I like you. You looking for a partner?
JOHN
Two.
John points the gun at Nick’s crotch. Nick pulls the hand back that was searching for the gun, before John notices, and puts it up to dissuade John’s aim.
JOHN
This one’s from me, for Mary [his wife].
NICK
(calmly)
I can get you any info you want. But…
JOHN
One.
NICK
You are!
Nick’s sweating.
NICK
Jesus Christ!
After a moment –
JOHN
That’s all I needed to know.
John shoots but Nick dives off his chair and grabs the gun under the seat, and shoots a round before taking cover. John dives for cover.
NICK
(laughing)
I like this game. Let’s play another. Where’d your wife hide the money.
John laughs at the absurdity.
NICK
Have you checked your stash lately?
JOHN
You’re still going to die.
NICK
I gave her what she wanted. What do you think she gave me?
John sneaks up on Nick and shoots him.
JOHN
Fuckin conniver.
FADE TO BLACK.
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Rewrite Cycle 1
BACK ROOM – EVENING
Trent leads Robert into the room. They both hold champagne flutes and Robert holds an almost empty champagne bottle.
TRENT
Let’s have our special private celebration.
Trent holds up his glass.
ROBERT
To taking down that son-of-a bitch!
They cheer! Robert grabs Trent in a celebratory bear hug.
ROBERT
We did it brother!
Trent is much more reserved.
TRENT
No. You did it.
ROBERT
Nah.
Robert clinks his glass to Trents and guzzles his glass. He pours himself another drink and pours the last bit in Trent’s glass.
TRENT
Oh yes. In fact I wanted to ask you about what you said to old Frank.
Robert laughs nervously.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
TRENT
Don’t you find it strange that the hostile takeover happened so quickly and without a hitch.
Robert starts sweating. He guzzles down the remainder of his Champagne, flings the empty bottle towards the back wall behind Trent. It shatters but Trent doesn’t flinch. Robert pats Trent on the back.
ROBERT
Who cares what, who, how or whatever. What matters is we did it! More celebrating! More Champagne!
Robert heads towards the door.
TRENT
The one thing about money, brother, is that it buys loyalty.
Robert stops dead in his tracks, fear in his eyes. He turns around with a huge smile on his face and joyously retorts –
ROBERT
Tell me about it. How do you think I got everyone on board for this?
TRENT
Maybe by spreading rumors about our mother’s demise and how I had something to do with it?
Robert drops his glass. It shatters. He pulls out a gun. He continues playing his light gregarious self but his eyes deceive him with nervous doubt.
ROBERT
I don’t know what you’re getting at.
TRENT
Is that the gun I gave you?
Robert makes light although his shaking hands give him away.
ROBERT
Yeah, she’s a beaut ain’t she? Thank you!
TRENT
You don’t think I came in here alone did you?
ROBERT
Awe, I love you brother, but I knew you couldn’t be trusted. You’re so predictable.
TRENT
I am? Did you check if it was loaded?
ROBERT
Of course I did.
TRENT
Did you check if the bullets were real?
Robert lets off a wholehearted laugh.
ROBERT
You know that the Chief told me to watch my back with you, right?
TRENT
He told me the same when I had to pay him off because of the gossip you were spreading.
ROBERT
I used to believe the rich big brother stories when I was a kid –
TRENT
Now I know why mom favored you.
Trent lunges for Robert. Robert pulls the trigger. It’s a blank. Trent grabs the gun and beats Robert with it.
Robert holds his arms up to protect himself.
ROBERT
What are you talking about? She favored you! She always went on and on about “you should be more like Trent, you should be more like Trent”. I actually secretly wanted to be you when I grew up.
In the moment it takes Trent to smile with pride, Robert grabs the gun back and shoots again. This time the bullet is real and it wounds Trent in the arm. Trent falls to his knees. Robert struggles to get up.
ROBERT
Yup, dear old brother, I did check if it was loaded, and I did check if the bullets were real. I left the first one blank ‘cause I didn’t know if I was right about my hunch. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Robert aims.
TRENT
I need you to understand why I’m doing this.
Robert laughs whole-heartedly in total disbelief.
ROBERT
You have the whole town on a fake payroll. You don’t need nothing!
Before Robert notices, Trent pulls out a knife and stabs Robert in the foot. Robert screams in pain and inadvertently drops the gun. It goes off, which jars them both for a moment as it ricochets around the room.
They stare at each other for a moment then both dive for the gun. They struggle face to face with the gun between them, to get control of it.
ROBERT
Mom was so disappointed with you.
TRENT
Just like she was with you.
Suddenly it fires. The bullet rips straight through Robert’s chest, ricochets off a metal figurine and pierces Trent right between the eyes.
Both dead.
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BACK ROOM – EVENING
Trent leads Robert into the room. They both hold champagne flutes.
TRENT
I wanted to have our special celebration privately.
Trent holds up his glass.
ROBERT
To taking down that son-of-a bitch!
They cheer! Robert grabs Trent in a celebratory bear hug.
ROBERT
We did it brother!
Trent is much more reserved.
TRENT
No. You did it.
ROBERT
Nah.
TRENT
Oh yes. In fact I wanted to ask you about what you said to old Frank.
Robert laughs nervously.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
TRENT
Don’t you find it strange that the hostile takeover happened so quickly and without a hitch.
Robert pats Trent on the back.
ROBERT
No. We planned is that way, brother.
TRENT
No.
Robert starts sweating. He guzzles down the remainder of his Champagne.
ROBERT
Who cares what, who, how or whatever. What matters is we did it. Let’s get more Champagne.
Robert heads towards the door.
TRENT
The one thing about money, brother, is that it buys loyalty.
Robert stops dead in his tracks, fear in his eyes. He turns around with a huge smile on his face and joyously retorts –
ROBERT
Tell me about it. How do you think I got everyone on board about this?
TRENT
Maybe by spreading rumors about our mother’s demise and how I had something to do with it.
Robert pulls out a gun.
ROBERT
(nervous laughing)
I don’t know what you’re getting at.
TRENT
Is that the gun I gave you?
ROBERT
Yeah, she’s a beaut. Thank you!
TRENT
You don’t think I came in here alone did you?
ROBERT
Awe, I love you brother, but I knew you couldn’t be trusted. You’re so predictable.
TRENT
I am? Did you check if it was loaded?
ROBERT
Of course I did.
TRENT
Did you check if the bullets were real?
Robert lets off a wholehearted laugh.
ROBERT
You know that the chief told me to watch my back with you, right?
TRENT
He told me the same when I paid him the million dollars… Now I know why mom favored you.
Trent lunges for Robert. Robert pulls the trigger. It’s a blank. Trent grabs the gun and beats Robert with it.
Robert holds his arms up to protect himself.
ROBERT
Mom favored you. She always went on “you should be more like Trent, you should be more like Trent”.
In the moment it takes Trent to smile, Robert grabs the gun and shoots. This time the bullet is real and it wounds Trent in the arm.
ROBERT
Yup, dear old brother, I did check if it was loaded and I did check if the bullets were real. I left the first one blank because I didn’t know what your plan was.
TRENT
I need you.
Robert laughs whole-heartedly in total disbelief.
ROBERT
You have the whole town on payroll. You don’t need no –
Before Robert notices, Trent pulls out a knife and stabs Robert in the foot. Robert screams in pain and inadvertently drops the gun. It goes off, which jars them for a moment.
They both dive for it. They struggle to get control of it.
ROBERT
Mom was so disappointed with you.
TRENT
Just like she was with you.
The gun goes off. The bullet goes straight through Robert’s chest, ricochets off a metal figurine and pierces Trent right between the eyes.
Both dead.
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Elle’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is that by using these interest techniques I can easily increase the quality and entertainment value of my script.
Essence: A change is happening
Interest techniques: Major twist, Surprise, betrayal, uncertainty, intrigue
UNCLE EDDY’S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Uncle Eddy pops the blowup doll while having sex with it, and she seemingly screams as she deflates!
INT. AMANDA’S OFFICE – SIMULTANEOUS
The lights go out on Amanda and Wolf. He screams!
INT. SUZIE’S ROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
Jesse screams as he orgasms while having sex with Suzie!
EXT. PARK – SIMULTANEOUS
BJ kisses the Gay Guy. After a moment the Gay Guy screams!
EXT. BACKYARD – SIMULTANEOUS
The Female Dog howls while Bambi licks himself.
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Elle Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is extremes makes characters/people more interesting – even if frustrating. I also realized that I have a lot of judgmental people around me.
Person 1
Intelligent
Creative
Insecure
Loving
Post testing: I never realized how insecure this person was until I did this profile and spoke with them.
Person 2
Loving
Caring
Supportive
Snide /judgmental
Post testing: I never realized how judgmental this person was, verging on arrogant
Person 3
Angry
Suspect
Sees the worst in people
Loving
Post testing: I never realized how negative this person was.
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Elle Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is how exciting this process is of finding the essence and then it really empowers the scene and ideas/creativity that I bring to the scene.
Script I choose: Daddy’s Man Cave
Scene 1 (#29) Location: INT. MAN CAVE – EVENING
Logline: Bob decides to change the way things are
Essence I’ve discovered: Bob decides he needs to fix everyone else – the first stage of his journey.
New Logline: Bob figures out that they only way to change things, is to change everyone else.Scene 2 (#45) Location: INT. FOYER
Logline: Bob receives the delivery for Suzie’s gifts and a stationary bike
Essence I’ve discovered: Bob feels insignificant
New Logline: Bob receives the delivery but didn’t even need to be there b/c they had entry code and it was resigned and they were told where to put it – they had a pic and they word told how to mediate the dog and not pay attention to Bob.Scene 3 (#49) Location: AMANDA’S OFFICE / FOYER
Logline: Amanda freaks out
Essence I’ve discovered: Amanda pours all of her frustrations out on Bob
New Logline: Amanda lets Bob have it with all of her past frustrations – he makes her act like her dad and she hates that most of all.Scene 4 (#53) Location: MAN CAVE STAIRS
Logline: Bob and Buddy struggle to get the stationary bike down the stairs
Essence I’ve discovered: Bob resists transformation requested by Amanda
New Logline: Bob gives up half way down the stairs with the bike and when he tries to bring it back out, it makes its way down the stairs on its own, taking down a few significant things of Bob’sScene 5 (#59) Location:
Logline: Bob’s 1<sup>st</sup> success with his program
Essence I’ve discovered: the only way to succeed is to never give up
New Logline: Joe tells Bob how he doesn’t have what it takes because you have to have a never give up attitude in order to win. Bob gives up but gets so angry at Joe that he tries again and finally succeeds for the first time. -
Elle Finds the Essence
What I learned is that getting to the essence frees up to be truly creative.
Script I choose: The Matrix
Scene 1 Location: EXT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT
Logline: Agents show up and have a showdown of works, with the police.
Essence: There’s more to this “little girl” than meets the eyeScene 2 Location: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Logline: Agents give Neo an ultimatum then bug him.
Essence: This world isn’t what it seems.Scene 3 Location: INT. CONSTRUCT
Logline: Neo discovers what and why the Matrix is.
Essence: Laying down the foundation of what and why they are fightingScene 4 Location: INT. DOJO
Logline: Morpheus trains Neo.
Essence: Learning and knowing is the difference between life and deathScene 5 Location: INT. MAIN DECK
Logline: Neo dies then comes back to life as The One
Essence: Neo must let go of what’s left of the old him in order to become the new.My selection for most profound essence:
INT. MAIN DECK 204
Neo’s body jerks, and everyone hears it as the LIFE
MONITORS SNAP FLATLINE.
Trinity screams. Morpheus stumbles back in disbelief.
(CONTINUED)
121.
204 CONTINUED: 204
MORPHEUS
No, it can’t be. It can’t be.
Lasers suddenly sear through the main deck as the
sentinels slice open the hull.
205 INT. HALL – DAY 205
Three holes in his chest, Neo falls to the blue shag
carpeting, blood smearing down the wallpaper. Agent
Smith stands over him, still aiming, taking no chances.
AGENT SMITH
Check him.
206 INT. MAIN DECK 206
Amid the destruction raining around her, Trinity takes
hold of Neo’s body.
TRINITY
Neo…
207 INT. HALL – DAY 207
Kneeling beside him, Agent Brown checks his vital signs.
AGENT BROWN
He’s gone.
Agent Smith smiles, standing over him.
AGENT SMITH
Good-bye, Mr. Anderson.
208 INT. MAIN DECK 208
In tears, Morpheus takes hold of the EMP switch.
Trinity whispers in Neo’s ear.
TRINITY
Neo, please, listen to me. I
promised to tell you the rest.
The Oracle, she told me that I’d
fall in love and that man, the man
I loved would be the one. You
see? You can’t be dead, Neo, you
can’t be because I love you. You
hear me? I love you!
(CONTINUED)
122.
208 CONTINUED: 208
Her eyes close and she kisses him, believing in all her
heart that he will feel her lips and know that they speak
the truth.
209 INT. HOTEL HALL – DAY 209
He does. And they do.
His eyes snap open.
210 INT. MAIN DECK 210
Trinity screams as the monitors jump back to life. Tank
and Morpheus look at each other.
It is a miracle.
TRINITY
Now get up!
211 INT. HALL – DAY 211
Holding his chest, Neo struggles to get up. At the end
of the hall, the Agents wait for the elevator when Agent
Smith glances back. He rips off his sunglasses, looking
at Neo as if he were looking at a ghost.
Neo gets to his feet, all three Agents grabbing for their
guns. As one, they FIRE.
NEO
No!
Neo raises his hands and the BULLETS, like a cloud of
obedient bees, slow and come to a stop. They hang frozen
in space, fixed like stainless steel stars.
The Agents are unable to absorb what they are seeing.
Neo plucks one of the bullets from the air. We see him
and the hall reflected in the bright casing. We MOVE
CLOSER UNTIL the bullet fills our vision and the
distorted reflection morphs, becoming the “real” image.
He drops the bullet and the others fall to the floor.
Neo looks out, now able to see through the curtain of the
Matrix. For a moment, the walls, the floor, even the
Agents become a rushing stream of code.
123.
212 INT. MAIN DECK 212
All three stare transfixed with awe as the scrolling code
accelerates, faster and faster, as if the machine
language was unable to keep up or perhaps describe what
is happening.
They begin to blur into streaks, shimmering ribbons of
light that open like windows, as!–
Each screen fills with brilliant, saturated color images
of Neo standing in the hall.
TANK
How…?!
MORPHEUS
He is the one. He is the one!
An EXPLOSION shakes the entire ship.
213 INT. HALL 213
Agent Smith screams, his calm machine-like expression
shredding with pure rage.
He rushes Neo. His attack is ferocious but Neo blocks
each blow easily. Then with one quick strike to the
chest he sends Agent Smith flying backwards.
For the first time since their inception, the Agents know
fear.
Agent Smith gets up, bracing himself as Neo charges him
and springs into a dive. But the impact doesn’t come.
Neo sinks into Agent Smith, disappearing, his tie and coat
rippling as if he were a deep pool of water.
Spinning around he looks to the others and feels
something, like a tremor before a quake, something deep,
something that is going to change everything.
Suddenly a SEARING SOUND stabs through his earpiece as
his chest begins to swell, then balloon as!–
Neo BURSTS up out of him. And with a final death scream,
Agent Smith EXPLODES like an empty husk in a brilliant
cacophony of light, his shards spinning away, absorbed by
the Matrix until!–
Only Neo is left.
Neo faces the remaining Agents. They look at each other,
the same idea striking simultaneously!–
They run.
124.
214 INT. MAIN DECK 214
sentinels are everywhere destroying the ship.
TRINITY
Neo!
215 INT. HALL 215
Again he hears her. He reacts to the RINGING PHONE,
rushing toward it even as!–
216 INT. MAIN DECK 216
A sentinel descends towards Morpheus. On the screen we
see Neo dive for the phone as!–
TRINITY
Now!
Morpheus turns the key.
217 INT. OVERFLOW PIT 217
A blinding shock of white light floods the chamber;
sentinels blink and fall instantly dead, filling the pit
with their cold metal carcasses.
218 INT. HOVERCRAFT 218
In the still darkness, only the humans are alive.
TRINITY
Neo?
His eyes open. Tears pour from her smiling eyes as he
reaches up to touch her.
And she kisses him; it seems like it might last forever.
Essence: Neo must let go of what’s left of the old him in order to become the new.
I believe this is the essence because not only is it true of what happens in the story, but it is true of what happens in real life. We can’t make a paradigm shift in our lives without letting the old self die otherwise, we just end up fighting ourselves.
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Hi Janeen. I love your scene. It’s a very interesting take on the assignment. I think it would be great if you added a little more interaction between Nancy and Squire. Actually, maybe if you have them having to work together to create the theme and party all the juicy stuff between them can come out even more. Great job. 🙂
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Hi Janeen – this is such an interesting scene. I think if you include some of Roberts other traits, like gregarious and low self-esteem it would bring it up another few notches. Keep up the great work. 👍
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Hi Don – I really love your scene and can see how you’ve integrated a lot of traits and maximum interest techniques. What stands out for me is that I didn’t notice the gregarious and low self-esteem traits for Robert. I think if you integrate these that your scene quality would definitely increase. Keep on keeping’ on dude! 😉
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Thanks for the feedback Carol. I’ll see how I can integrate your feedback. 🙂
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Thanks Rebecca. Will do.
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Hi Carol,
I loved both versions you posted. So creative!! 🙂 My thoughts are that, at least the way I read it, I didn’t see any gregarious side of Robert. That might add a nice cool layer to your scene. Also, I didn’t see the needy side of Trent.
Trent holds the upper had for most of the scene so maybe a major twist can be that Robert has called in the goons and ends up beating up Trent.
Keep up the great work!! I’m a fan. 🙂