Eric Humble
Forum Replies Created
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Hi everyone. My name is Eric Humble. I’ve written about seven scripts. In this class, I hope to get a working understanding of the action conventions and a process that will allow me to write in this genre quickly so that I’ll be able to create on demand in a professional environment. In addition to writing, I’m trying my hand at illustrating my first graphic novel at the moment.
I can’t wait to learn alongside everyone!
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Eric Humble
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Eric Humble’s Marketing Campaign
What I learned doing this assignment is: that I can market from anywhere and have a real chance to get my project in front of producers who can make something happen with it. I’ve marketed projects during Phases 2 and 4 of MSC and during the Fearlessness As a Writer course, and also at an Inktip pitch fest, so this will be my fifth experience taking a project to market. With the WGA strike, I won’t begin marketing until everything is resolved in a few months (or whenever it happens to be), which is fortuitous because I’m still behind in writing the actual pilot script. So once I get the writing completed and elevated as best I can (I hope to goo to coverage and ultimately get a recommend), I’ll begin working with the producer list I’m building.
This has been an amazing course. I’ve learned so much about TV writing, which has been mysterious to me until now, and I can’t wait to apply these skills to future TV and even feature writing projects!
1. Read through the 10 Marketing Campaigns and select ONE that you’ll take action on immediately.
MARKETING CAMPAIGN #1: Can’t Travel
2. Taking that campaign, make a plan of action, listing the actions you’ll take.
-Build a list of at least 500 producers whose contact info is listed on imdbPro
-Build connections with producers on LinkedIn
-Send out query letters via email and LinkedIn
-Call producers and use phone/elevator pitches
-Meanwhile, submit my pilot to contests so that I can build credibility and request recommendations
3. Tell us the first action you are going to take…and take it.
I’m building my producer and linkedIn connections. Due to the WGA strike, I won’t be initiating any marketing until everything is resolved so that I don’t inadvertently cross any picket lines. But once the strike is resolved, I’ll begin sending out Query Letters and making phone pitches based on my list.
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Eric Humble’s Query Letter – Draft One
Title: SICK PEOPLE
Genre: Thriller
“Cure cancer? We’d lose billions!”
Jude discovered the cure for cancer 12 years ago… and hasn’t been allowed to speak of it since. It’s always been easier to accept another cushy promotion than push back against the Big Pharma company’s plan to hold off unveiling it until the “right time.” But when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer, Jude becomes frantic to get it into production. That’s when he stumbles onto…
…The Conclave, a secret society who shape human history by suppressing cures.
Their next target is Dres, a homeless con artist who also happens to be 100 years older than she looks. Dres hails from a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing all diseases. Jude needs her for his cure. The Conclave needs her killed. To keep her safe, Jude will have to infiltrate them… but the initiation rite is a fight to the death.
Can he become a killer to save millions?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and bible.
Sincerely,
Eric Humble
484-716-9700
BIO: Eric Humble has interviewed healthcare providers, National Institute of Health researchers, and drug trial administrators to create this series bible. His screenplays have placed in several contests.
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Eric Humble’s Target Market!
What I learned is: that assembling a list of producers is easy and fast. In past classes where I’ve marketed, I’ve gone out to hundreds of producers, often knowing that many of them aren’t the type of producer I’m looking for – their imdbPro profiles state that they worked on the crew on occasion, or that they’re executive producers. So with this list I’m focusing on people just listed as producers to see if I can avoid at least some of the confusion and noise generated in the past. But this list, which is continuing to evolve, has been easy and fun to assemble. I’m excited to see how my project fares, once the WGA strike ends and I start marketing in earnest.
Similar Projects:
Mr. Robot
White Collar
Suits
Slow Horses
Jack Ryan
Possible Lead Actors:
Jude:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Adrian Brody
Dres:
Zoe Kravitz
Eris Baker
Marks:
Billy Campbell
Michael Vartan
Producer List:
Parisa Caviani
650-847-9090 phone
Brad Johnson
3238287714 phone
John Powers Middleton
+1 323-570-0555 phone
assistant@themiddletonmediagroup.com
Christopher Nelson
818-601-2777 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0625243/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Roy Lee
323-785-5351 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0498175/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Jennifer Kawaja
416-703-1126 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0442786/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Charlie Gogolak
424-785-4133 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm2186058/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Adrienne Erickson
Midnight Radio
Producer
310-202-3434 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0032227/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Ness Saban
Saban Films
Chief Financial Officer (Executive)
sabanfilms.com
310-203-5855 phone
+1 310 775 4115 fax
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm6116484/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Rick Benattar
Benattar/Thomas Productions
Producer
btprods.com
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0070238/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Boaz Davidson
Millennium Films
Executive
millennium-media.net
+1 310 388 6900 phone
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0203246/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Milos Djukelic
Red Production
Producer
redproduction.tv
+38163379613 phone
+381113222025 fax
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0229261/?ref_=tt_fm_name
THIS GUY IS A MANAGER AND AGENT:
David Gardner
Artists First
Co-President (Manager)
artistsfirst-la.com
+1 310 274 4622 phone
+1 310 274 4108 fax
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm2229087/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Yariv Lerner
Nu Boyana Film Studios
CEO (Executive)
nuboyana.com
+35929332500 phone
+359 2 958 1203 fax
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm5004893/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Sam Esmail
Esmail Corp.
Executive
esmailcorp.com
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm1322753/?ref_=tt_fm_name
Igor Srubshchik
https://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0820310/?ref_=tt_fm_name
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Eric Humble’s Phone Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is: that phone pitches can be easy if they are direct, simple, and filled only with information a producer needs. I’ve always had a hard time with phone pitching, mostly because I’m intimidated to talk on the phone in general, but for the Fearlessness As a Writer and MSC classes, I did do some phone pitching and found it to be less intimidating the more I really knew my pitch cold, and the more confidence I had that the material was strong. This phone pitch is still a rough draft, but with just a little more work and practice, I think I’ll have a strong enough pitch that phone pitching can be one of the marketing strategies that I can concentrate on when taking the project to market.
Write out your phone pitch along with answers to the questions.
1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
Lead with a High Concept.
2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
Hi, I’m Eric Humble and I have a one-hour thriller about a secret society hunting people whose DNA holds the cure for cancer.
3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:
What’s the budget range? About $1 million per episode
Who do you see in the main roles? A Joseph Gordon-Levitt type and a Zoe Kravitz type
for the main leads. For the main antagonist, someone like Billy Campbell.
How many pages is the script? 60 page pilot
Who else has seen this? I’m currently shopping it to production companies and I’ve
gotten _______ script requests so far.
Why do you think this fits our company? I enjoyed the concept of your TV show
_______ and thought this might be something you’d be interested in.
How does the movie end? Jude is summoned to a lab where his best friend turns out to be an assassin for the secret society, about to shoot him to keep his cancer cure hidden away forever…
…when Jude creates an explosion and kills his friend. This gets him an audition with the secret society – where he learns he’ll have to fight someone to the death to gain entry, then train as an assassin himself.
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Eric Humble’s Pitch Fest Pitch!
What I learned is: that I can pitch without resorting to any kind of “performance.” Just having enough key information about the project that is interesting committed to memory so that I can respond naturally to the likely questions that will be asked is enough to create a powerful pitch. The only real area that I see I need to work on is describing the acts – the draft I have below is too long and contains too much information, but this is something I can adjust as I go over the pitch to prepare for market.
1. Tell us your credibility.
Hi, my name’s Eric Humble and my scripts have placed in several contests.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
I have a one-hour thriller titled BLOOD APOTHECARY.
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
A pharmaceutical chemist has to infiltrate a secret society dedicated to suppressing cures in order to shape human history in order to cure his wife’s cancer.
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
What is the budget range?
1 million per episode.
What actors do you like for the lead roles?
Jude – a Joseph Gordon-Levitt type
Dres – a Zoe Kravitz type
Marks – Billy Campbell
Give me the acts of the story.
Teaser: A hi-tech lab with the dead bodies of all the lab techs littering the floor. Jude wakes up, groggy, his head bleeding – to a man in a ceremonial mask holding a gun to Jude’s face. The masked man asks one question: “Where is the girl?”
Act One:
Jude is a gifted pharmaceutical chemist who has discovered the cure for cancer… but is bound by an NDA to keep it under wraps. But just as his wife announces she’s pregnant with their first child, she collapses. She has inoperable brain cancer… and his cure is her only hope.
Act Two:
Jude sneaks around the company’s elaborate security systems to access
a lab and pull a team together to manufacture his cure. But through the
window, he sees a masked sniper taking aim at a woman. He rushes to
save her, accidentally killing the sniper… and is then taken to a meeting of
masked people called The Conclave who discuss the various ways they
can suppress pharmaceutical breakthroughs happening at research
companies all over the world.
Act Three:
The woman Jude saved is a con artist named Dres – who manages to
escape a few other assassins sent by The Conclave. She and Jude
reunite to make a plan to cover their tracks… when Jude discovers a
shocking truth about her – she is 100 years old, a member of a race of
immortals who have been targeted for extermination by The Conclave
over the course of centuries.
Act Four:
Jude is summoned back to work by his superiors, unsure if any or all of
them are involved with The Conclave. But it’s a set up – and his friend
and ally is the masked man tasked with eliminating him and the entire lab
crew… as soon as Jude reveals where Dres is.
Act Five:
Jude is forced to fight his former friend. He destroys the lab and escapes
– and makes a pact with Dres that he will infiltrate the Conclave to help
her find who is at the top so she can kill him.
How does it end? (setup / payoff).
After years of refusing to push back against any sort of conflict, Jude has
to not only fight – but actually kills a man…
…only to discover that the only entry into The Conclave is to train as one of their
assassins.
Credibility questions What have you done?
For this script, I interviewed researchers at the National Institute of Health,
and nurses who worked on drug trials and dealt with Big Pharma companies
directly. As a writer, I’ve had screenplays that placed in several contests
including Screencraft and Bluecat.
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Eric Humble’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is: that I was able to streamline the synopsis even further than before in order to highlight the biggest hooks and convey the structure of the pilot and series.
Hi _______________,
I enjoyed the concept of your project __________, and thought you might be interested in my one-hour thriller series BLOOD APOTHECARY.
Title: BLOOD APOTHECARY
Genre: 1 hour thriller series
History is shaped by disease, and they decide who gets the cure.
Jude discovered the cure for cancer 12 years ago… and hasn’t been allowed to speak of it since. It’s always been easier to accept another cushy promotion than push back against the Big Pharma company’s plan to hold out on his discovery until the “right time.” But when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer, Jude becomes frantic to get his discovery into production. That’s when he stumbles onto…
…The Conclave, a secret society who shape human history by suppressing cures.
Their next target is Dres, a homeless con artist who also happens to be 100 years older than she looks. Dres hails from a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing all diseases. Jude needs her for his cure. The Conclave needs her killed. To keep her safe and make his cure, Jude will have to infiltrate them… but the initiation rite is a fight to the death.
Can he become a killer to save millions?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and bible.
Sincerely,
Eric Humble
484-716-9700
BIO: Eric Humble has interviewed healthcare providers, National Institute of Health researchers, and drug trial administrators to create this series bible. His screenplays have placed in numerous contests.
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Eric Humble’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is: that just working with hooks alone, I can create a strong synopsis that makes every sentence interesting and unique. I was really impressed with how much of the story I was able to pull together from just a short list of hooks. I’m going to go back into my pitch Bible and make sure that the synopsis I have there for the pilot is as strong as this one now that I’ve got a draft together, because I feel like this is a great marketing tool for the series across the board.
2. Select 6 – 10 hooks that could give an overview of your story.
The Conclave shapes human history by deciding which diseases get cured, when, and which are allowed to run rampant
Jude: brilliant chemist, transforms from staunch company man to warrior.
The Conclave is a secret society made up of top execs in the Big Healthcare, Big Pharma, and Big Insurance industries intent on suppressing cures to diseases in order to shape human history
Jude: brilliant pharma chemist who all the others come to for corrections and advice, has solved the cure for cancer
He has the cure for cancer but isn’t allowed to pursue it – when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer
He discovers a secret society – proceeds like a humdrum business meeting except everyone wears ceremonial masks and two prospective members fight to the death as it proceeds
The cure for cancer that Jude developed actually doesn’t work… without Dres’s DNA
Dres is a homeless con artist who targets bigwigs in the Pharma industry… but she’s also an immortal, who is over 100 years old
Emotional Dilemma: Either kill to gain entrance into The Conclave or stay safe and never be able to develop the cure that can save millions of lives including his wife’s
4. Using those hooks as an outline, write a first draft of your synopsis.
It’s been 12 years since Jude discovered the cure for cancer–then signed a contract preventing him from even talking about it.
Jude may be the most brilliant geneticist the pharmaceutical world has ever seen. All his colleagues come to him for corrections and advice. But it’s always been easier to accept another cushy promotion than push back against the company’s grand plan to hold out on his discovery until the “right time”…
…until his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Frantic to get his discovery into production, Jude discovers, after all these years, that his cure doesn’t actually work… without the DNA of one specific person: Dres, a homeless con artist who targets Big Pharma execs.
Dres holds the key because she’s a 100-year-old member of an immortal race. Which makes her the target of The Conclave, a secret society of top execs in Big Healthcare, Big Pharma, and Big Insurance who shape human history by deciding which diseases get cured when, and which are allowed to run rampant.
To keep Dres safe–and obtain her vital DNA–Jude will have to infiltrate The Conclave. Not so hard, since their gatherings proceed like humdrum business meetings–except prospective members have to fight to the death to get in.
He’s been a staunch company man for 12 years. Can he become a warrior to create the cure for his wife–and tens of millions of others?
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Eric Humble’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned is: that by focusing on my main hook and the areas of marketability for my project, I can come up with some strong, simple pitches that get right to the heart of what my project valuable in the industry’s eyes. This was a fun and insightful lesson that actually has me thinking through my script and pitch bible again to see if I’ve gotten across these valuable points.
Tell us your High Concept and Elevator Pitch.
1. To find your main hook, tell us what the big picture explanation of your lead character’s journey is.
A pharmaceutical chemist uncovers a secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for diseases in order to shape human history.
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
Dilemma:
A pharmaceutical chemist discovers the cure for cancer, but to use it on his dying wife, he’ll have to help a secret society suppress cures for all other diseases as they seek to shape civilization to their own benefit.
Main Conflict
A pharmaceutical chemist discovers the cure for cancer, only to be targeted by a secret society that has shaped human history by suppressing cures.
What’s at stake?
To cure his wife’s cancer, a pharmaceutical chemist will have to infiltrate a a secret society that has shaped human history by suppressing cures.
Goal/Unique Opposition
A pharmaceutical chemist discovers the cure for cancer, but must infiltrate a secret society that has shaped human history by suppressing cures in order to protect the woman whose DNA holds the key.
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
I have a one-hour thriller that answers the question: “What if Big Pharma and Big Insurance are run by a secret society that shapes human history by deciding which diseases get cured when, and which are allowed to run rampant?”
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Eric Humble’s 10 Most Interesting Things
What I learned is: that when I break down the big moments into a list, I have a catalog of only interesting things that I can reference during a pitch. This has allowed me to distill the material for a pitch or query letter away from the drama and details and only have interesting hooks from which to draw as I assemble the pitch. This strategy has yielded some great results for me during the Masterclass and Fearlessness as a Writer classes, so I’m excited to see how it works when pitching a TV show/pilot as opposed to a feature.
A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?
Jude: brilliant pharma chemist who all the others come to for corrections and advice, has solved the cure for cancer
Marks: ruthless corporate exec who can move markets and crush people in normal life, but is a powerless whipping boy within The Conclave
B. Major hook of your opening scene?
Everyone in the lab is dead, and a man in a ceremonial mask is holding Jude at gunpoint – gives him a chance to drink the poison before this becomes “unpleasant”
C. Any turning points?
He has the cure for cancer but isn’t allowed to pursue it – when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer
He discovers a secret society – proceeds like a humdrum business meeting except everyone wears ceremonial masks and two prospective members fight to the death as it proceeds
A sniper is about to kill Dres. Jude has no choice but to drop a statue on him and kill him
His friend is one of The Conclave – the man in the mask from the opening, here to kill him
Jude has to kill his friend to escape and keep Dres safe
D. Emotional dilemma?
Either kill to gain entrance into The Conclave or stay safe and never be able to develop the cure that can save millions of lives including his wife’s
E. Major twists?
Jude has to go up against Marks and The Conclave to save his dying wife… while Marks has to stop him in order to save his dying daughter
F. Reversals?
Jude vows to infiltrate The Conclave to help Dres get her revenge, while Dres plots to con Jude out of his money and turn him over to The Conclave once she gets what she wants
The cure for cancer that Jude developed actually doesn’t work… without Dres’s DNA
G. Character betrayals?
Jude’s best friend Steinmetz risks his life to rescue Dres and joins Jude on his mission to create the cure and unmask The Conclave… only to reveal he’s one of The Conclave’s top assassins, sent by Marks to kill Jude if he gets too close to the truth
H. Or any big surprises?
Dres is a homeless con artist who targets bigwigs in the Pharma industry… but she’s also an immortal, who is over 100 years old
Dres is being hunted by The Conclave because she’s an immortal… because her DNA contains the cure for cancer that Jude has been searching for for years
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.
The Conclave is a secret society made up of top execs in the Big Healthcare, Big Pharma, and Big Insurance industries intent on suppressing cures to diseases in order to shape human history
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
The Conclave is a secret society made up of top execs in the Big Healthcare, Big Pharma, and Big Insurance industries intent on suppressing cures to diseases in order to shape human history
Jude: brilliant pharma chemist who all the others come to for corrections and advice, has solved the cure for cancer
Marks: ruthless corporate exec who can move markets and crush people in normal life, but is a powerless whipping boy within The Conclave
He has the cure for cancer but isn’t allowed to pursue it – when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer
He discovers a secret society – proceeds like a humdrum business meeting except everyone wears ceremonial masks and two prospective members fight to the death as it proceeds
Jude has to go up against Marks and The Conclave to save his dying wife… while Marks has to stop him in order to save his dying daughter
The cure for cancer that Jude developed actually doesn’t work… without Dres’s DNA
Dres is a homeless con artist who targets bigwigs in the Pharma industry… but she’s also an immortal, who is over 100 years old
Emotional Dilemma: Either kill to gain entrance into The Conclave or stay safe and never be able to develop the cure that can save millions of lives including his wife’s
Jude’s best friend Steinmetz risks his life to rescue Dres and joins Jude on his mission to create the cure and unmask The Conclave… only to reveal he’s one of The Conclave’s top assassins, sent by Marks to kill Jude if he gets too close to the truth
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Eric Humble’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this assignment is: that these techniques really enhance the dialogue of my scenes and take them to a new level. The Dialogue as Action techniques really energized my scenes and either changed or emphasized the shifts in behavior of the characters in response to the new lines. The dialogue subtext added layers to scenes that were otherwise written on the surface and gave great depth that elevated the quality by a wide margin.
DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
ORIGINAL VERSION:
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
JUDE
Deserves a Medal of Honor.
STEINMETZ
Medal of Honor winners don’t usually throw up three times afterward.
NEW VERSION: CONSOLING
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
ORIGINAL VERSION:
JUDE
You killed those people. How many of the Conclave have you killed?
NEW VERSION: INVALIDATION
JUDE
You killed those people.
DRES
No. We killed these people.
JUDE
Before we go any further, I need to know how many you’ve killed.
DRES
Why?
JUDE
Because I’m not hitching my wagon to some psycho mass murderer.
DRES
More than you, ace. But you’ll catch up. You’re already at two.
JUDE
I got into this business to save lives, not take them.
DRES
You got into the Pharma business to make money. Saving lives was just a story to make taking the money feel okay.
Dres kicks the body into the hole. It tumbles onto the bones. She dumps dirt back into the hole.
JUDE
You don’t know me. Some day, I’m going to save millions…
DRES
Well, you let me know when someday rolls around. I know you. I’ve known hundreds of you. A couple of them are buried right here.
OLD VERSION:
DENNIS
Dr. Steinmetz. Good. We can begin.
STEINMETZ
What the hell is this?
DENNIS
When I say “we can begin,” I really mean I will be the one asking the questions. But please, sit. I brought coffee.
He gestures to a carrier tray — where one coffee remains untaken. Everyone else is already sipping theirs. Steinmetz holds up the cup he’s already drinking from.
STEINMETZ
Wish I had known. You could have saved me three-fifty.
DENNIS
Still, I’d hate it to go to waste. Maybe for later…?
NEW VERSION: Direct Order to Take Action
DENNIS
Dr. Steinmetz. Good. Grab a cup of coffee and have a seat.
He gestures to a carrier tray — where one coffee remains untaken. Everyone else is already sipping theirs.
STEINMETZ
What the hell is this?
DENNIS
It’s from my favorite coffee shop, just down the street.
Steinmetz holds up the cup he’s already drinking from.
DENNIS
I’m trying to be cordial here. Now, I’d appreciate it if you accepted my hospitality, Doctor. It’ll go a long way toward setting the tone for this meeting. I’d hate for things to go the other way.
Steinmetz smirks, picks up the carrier tray, sets it on his desk. But continues drinking from his original cup.
DENNIS
Now take a seat.
He stares down Steinmetz – it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Okay. Let’s begin.
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DIALOGUE SUBTEXT:
OLD VERSION:
INT. GUTTED OLD MILL – DAY
Jude enters cautiously down some rickety stairs from the street. Dres steps out into the open below.
DRES
Used to be a textile factory in the nineteen-twenties. This whole floor was crowded with racks of silks, mohair, cashmere — all of it coming off the dockyard from ships returning home. It even survived the Great Depression. It was World War II that did it in. The supply lines were severed. They repurposed it into a war plant, manufacturing uniforms. Post-war, it was all suburbs, rock’n roll, and polyester. Nobody gave a flying fart about oriental material.
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
DRES
Jeez Louise, people. Everyone knows the first kill’s always the hardest.
She kicks the corpse onto its back.
DRES
But if we don’t bury this creep at least an hour ago, we might as well just surrender to them. And there’s another one still down here somewhere. Could stumble onto the right tunnel any time now.
Steinmetz staggers to his feet.
DRES
Don’t come over here if you’re going to puke again.
STEINMETZ
I’m good. Let’s get it done –
His cell bleeps. He checks it.
STEINMETZ
Shit. It’s the lab –- some guy in cybersecurity is onto us deleting our access last night. They know we were there.
JUDE
Do they know about the experiment?
STEINMETZ
Unclear. But I gotta go down there and smooth-talk him before he can trace the deletion to us. Because my team will rat you out if they threaten firings.
Steinmetz heads up the stairs for the exit. Jude stares into the blank eyes of the corpse.
DRES
Just you and me, sport.
NEW VERSION:
INT. GUTTED FACTORY – DAY
Jude enters cautiously down some rickety stairs from the street. The body of the man Steinmetz shot lies in a pool of blood at the base of the stairs.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back, his pistol in his hands. He’s pale and his hands quake.
JUDE
Bill. What did she make you do?
Dres steps out into the open below.
DRES
Oh sure, blame the girl who was abducted and shot at. The patriarchy is alive and well, I see. Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
Steinmetz musters a wan smile.
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
DRES
Jeez Louise, people. Everyone knows the first kill’s always the hardest.
She kicks the corpse onto its back.
DRES
But if we don’t bury this creep at least an hour ago, we might as well just surrender to them.
Steinmetz’s cell bleeps. He checks it. Frowns.
STEINMETZ
You know a guy named Dennis McGill?
Dres darts her head at the sound of the name.
DRES
Are you trying to get us caught? Chuck the phone, break the SIM card. You think they can’t track those?
JUDE
Dennis is the new cybersecurity guy.
STEINMETZ
Yeah, well, it looks like he found the deleted access code. He knows we were there last night.
JUDE
Is that all he found?
DRES
I’ll talk to him. I can get him off your back.
JUDE
Do you know Dennis?
DRES
Why would I know him? Honey, I can talk anyone into anything. What are you guys into?
JUDE
Who says we’re into anything?
Jude nods to the corpse.
JUDE
Was he the only one after you?
DRES
No. There’s another. Could stumble onto the right tunnel any time now.
STEINMETZ
I gotta go deal with this.
DRES
Are you serious?
Steinmetz heads up the stairs for the exit. Dres turns to Jude.
DRES
Are you just going to let him go?
Jude stares into the blank eyes of the corpse.
JUDE
What are the odds we can find a pair of shovels lying around?
OLD VERSION:
He stares down Steinmetz –- it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Okay. Let’s begin. Something’s going on in this office. There have been some unsanctioned experiments. Some unlawful entries. Some aberrant codes doctored by unauthorized admins. And the people I represent have delegated me to put an end to it all. By any means necessary.
Dennis stares Steinmetz down.
STEINMETZ
Alright, first of all — no one in this room knows what you’re talking about. Second, I’m calling Legal. I don’t care who you are or who you work for, you can’t just bring us in here with this Gestapo shit —
Steinmetz lifts his desk phone to dial. Dennis clicks an app on his cell — and a slide comes up on the main screen.
Lines of code, with one line highlighted.
DENNIS
The system was hacked last night. A swipe card ID print was erased.
Dennis alters the line.
DENNIS
Like so. That’s not only a fireable offense, it’s criminal on several levels.
Steinmetz cradles the phone. Dennis clicks to another slide.
Security footage: an empty corridor… now, a fleeting glimpse of Jude rushing to the next camera.
DENNIS
I assume everyone here is familiar with Dr. Jude Voss?
The footage abruptly goes black.
DENNIS
That’s our rogue actor shutting down the camera feed. Criminal offense number two.
No one speaks. But all eyes are rapt on him. He types on the tablet, restoring the code on-screen.
DENNIS
I’ve got the data footprint, I’ve got Voss on camera, and a subprogram has recorded the equipment that was used in this lab. First person to tell me why gets to keep their job and avoid prosecution.
The techs shift in their seats. Everyone casting glances at one another. A tech clears her throat to speak…
…when Steinmetz cuts her off.
STEINMETZ
Now, wait a minute. You just did something there that I don’t understand and I would assume most of the people in this room don’t understand — and you’re accusing someone here of doing it?
DENNIS
The code was altered by someone in this lab last night at eleven-fifty-three. So, yeah, I would say someone in this room knows exactly what I just did.
STEINMETZ
Do it again. Slowly, so the rest of us grunts can follow it.
Dennis obliges, typing on the tablet. A live feed of the cameras shut off.
DENNIS
One of you shut the cameras down like so to aid Dr. Voss’s unsanctioned and illegal entry…
Now again onto the code. He deletes a list of code.
STEINMETZ
Instead of Dr. Voss’s swipe access, I am now deleting the record of all of you — because you all no longer work here. And I see through your bullshit, Dr. Steinmetz. You know exactly how all of this was done.
Steinmetz rises. Picks up his coffee and the carrier with the undrunk extra.
STEINMETZ
My office.
Dennis doesn’t budge.
STEINMETZ
Please.
NEW VERSION:
He stares down Steinmetz –- it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Something’s going on in this lab. And the people I represent have delegated me to put an end to it all. By any means necessary.
Dennis stares Steinmetz down.
STEINMETZ
I’m calling Legal. You can’t just bring us in here with this Gestapo shit —
Steinmetz lifts his desk phone to dial. Dennis clicks an app on his cell — and a slide comes up on the main screen. Lines of code, with one line highlighted.
DENNIS
Look familiar to anyone? The system was hacked twice last night, from th. Once to erase the swipe cards of whoever entered first. And once to conceal the admission of the person you were waiting for.
Dennis alters the line.
DENNIS
That’s not only fireable, it’s criminal.
Steinmetz cradles the phone. Dennis clicks to another slide.
Security footage: an empty corridor… now, a fleeting glimpse of Jude rushing to the next camera. The footage abruptly goes black.
DENNIS
Criminal offense number two.
No one speaks. But all eyes are rapt on him. He types on the tablet, restoring the code on-screen.
DENNIS
First person to tell me why gets to keep their job and avoid prosecution.
The techs shift in their seats. Everyone casting glances at one another. A tech clears her throat to speak…
…when Steinmetz cuts her off.
STEINMETZ
Now, wait a minute. You just did something there that I don’t understand and I would assume most of the people in this room don’t understand — and you’re accusing someone here of doing it?
DENNIS
The code was altered by someone in this lab last night at eleven-fifty-three. So, yeah, I would say someone in this room knows exactly what I just did.
STEINMETZ
Do it again. Slowly, so the rest of us grunts can follow it.
Dennis obliges, typing on the tablet. A live feed of the cameras shut off.
DENNIS
One of you shut the cameras down like so to aid Dr. Voss’s unsanctioned and illegal entry…
Now again onto the code. He deletes a list of code.
STEINMETZ
Instead of Dr. Voss’s swipe access, I am now deleting the record of all of you — because you all no longer work here. And I see through your bullshit, Dr. Steinmetz. You know exactly how all of this was done.
Steinmetz rises. Picks up his coffee and the carrier with the undrunk extra.
STEINMETZ
My office.
Dennis doesn’t budge.
STEINMETZ
Please.
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Eric Humble Producer/Manager
What I learned today is: that meetings with Producers and Managers require a different focus for the pitch. For my producer meeting below, I decided to start with the high concept and title, then follow up with a brief summary of the main characters, including a sentence about the lead character’s transformational journey and impossible mission. I omitted most of the details, but I hope this conveys some of the actor attractors that can make the project marketable to bankable actors.
For the manager meeting, I focused on the high concept and title for this project and the genres I want to focus on/contests I have placed in. My intention is to convey that I have some credibility and that I’m open to paid writing assignments.
1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?
Hi, I’m Eric Humble and I have a 1-hour thriller series called BLOOD APOTHECARY about a pharmaceutical chemist who uncovers a secret society that has suppressed cures for disease for centuries in order to shape human history.
The target audience is men over 25 with a secondary audience of women over 25.
The lead characters are:
A brilliant chemist who has discovered a cure for cancer that his company won’t let him create, just as his own wife develops inoperable cancer. He changes from company man to warrior as he attempts to infiltrate the Conclave – a powerful, global secret society dedicated to hunting down a race of immortals whose DNA has held the cures for virtually all disease over the centuries.
A homeless con artist, who is secretly an immortal whose DNA can cure cancer… and who is on a mission to unmask the leaders of the Conclave and kill them to avenge her mother, another immortal who was murdered when she was a child.
The CEO of the most powerful Big Pharma corporation in the world, whose daughter is dying of a genetic disease and who is plotting to usurp the throne of the Conclave in order to learn if its secret archives hold a cure for her.
BIO: I’ve worked with healthcare providers and, as a writer, have placed in several screenwriting contests.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?
Hi, I’m Eric Humble and I have a 1-hour thriller series called BLOOD APOTHECARY about a pharmaceutical chemist who uncovers a secret society that has suppressed cures for disease for centuries in order to shape human history.
My screenplays have placed in several contests including PAGE and the Screencraft Horror Screenplay competition. My focus is on thriller and horror screenplays and TV series. I’m open to paid writing assignments.
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Eric Humble’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment is: that the marketability of my pilot and show concept really hinge on the business decisions, some of which need to be boosted to the forefront a bit in order to sell the project. In going back over the 10 diamonds, I’m discovering that the show needs some elevation on a few of the levels in order to create a strong pitch. In some ways, I think this is actually going to help in the writing of the pilot, which I’m still in the midst of. It is making me think of the moments in the script that will really deliver on the elements I’ll be pitching through.
Pick one or two components and tell us how your script already fulfills them AND how you might highlight these two in order to elevate the pitch.
1. Tell us your current logline.
A pharmaceutical chemist whose wife is dying of cancer discovers a secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for disease and must infiltrate their ranks in order to protect a homeless con artist they’re hunting, one of the last of a line of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing cancer.
2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.
A. Unique: A secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for disease in order to keep Big Pharma and Big Insurance in the red, and ultimately to control the shape of history.
B. Great Title: Blood Apothecary
C. True: N/A
D. Timely — connected to some major trend or event: Health care frustrations – especially in the wake of a pandemic.
E. It’s a first:
First story about a Big Pharma company
The big business of cures and disease
F. Ultimate:
They shape human history by deciding which diseases get cured, when, and which are allowed to run rampant
G. Wide audience appeal: Target Audience: Men over 25, Secondary Audience: Women over 25
H. Adapted from a popular book: N/A
I. Similarity to a box-office success: Mr. Robot in the world of Big Pharma
J. A great role for a bankable actor:
Jude: brilliant chemist, transforms from staunch company man to warrior.
3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.
Example: If you say your script has a great role, in one or two sentences, tell us how you can emphasize that role as you pitch your concept.
Unique: A secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for disease in order to keep Big Pharma and Big Insurance in the red, and ultimately to control the shape of history.
Pitch: Leprosy. The Plague. Smallpox. Polio. COVID. History is shaped by
disease. What if there was a cure existed long before there was
ever an outbreak – and a small, powerful group of people decided when
and where that cure was “discovered?”
Timely — connected to some major trend or event: Health care frustrations – especially in the wake of a pandemic.
Pitch: A global pandemic left virtually no person or industry untouched… what if
all that was by design to transform the world into what it is at this moment?
What if everything from leprosy to the Black Plague to smallpox to COVID
was a grand plan by a small group of very powerful people?
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Eric Humble’s Project and Market
What I learned today is: How to focus my pitch by returning to my Bible and getting clear on my high concept hook. I’ve been behind in the writing of the pilot script for a few months now and have been so caught up in that process that it’s refreshing to take a step back and return to the pitch Bible and framework. In the past, I’ve found that creating a pitch has focused my story more than the writing process so I’m excited to see how this shapes the project even further.
1.
Genre: Thriller
Title: Blood Apothecary
Concept: A pharmaceutical chemist whose wife is dying of cancer discovers a secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for disease by hunting down a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key.
2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.
The idea of a secret society dedicated to suppressing cures for disease in order to keep Big Pharma and Big Insurance in the red speaks to a common frustration about the cost of healthcare in America, especially in the wake of the pandemic.
It’s a nefarious scheme for a thriller that we haven’t seen before.
3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target.
I’ll target producers first because I’d like to get a script/show optioned and get a little experience in the industry and my first deal before I target managers.
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Eric Humble’s Dialogue 4 – 6 (place in first line)
What I learned doing this assignment is: how just sprinkling a few of these techniques throughout gives the dialogue a power and punch without altering much. The most fun thing about these techniques is how they give such a huge amount of power to the scene without having to do any kind of major rewriting. I was able to find so many places to use each technique with what was already part of the scene, just by adding a payoff or restructuring a line to put the two opposites together. I feel like each instance of these techniques has improved my scenes by a good 20% at least.
IRONIC DIALOGUE:
FIRST VERSION:
MASKED FIGURE
Last chance to end it quick and easy, like the others.
Jude looks to the lab assistant’s dead face, frozen in horror. Tightens his jaw in grief and rage.
JUDE
Quick and easy, huh? I’ll pass.
SECOND VERSION (IRONIC DIALOGUE):
MASKED FIGURE
(nods to poisoned coffee)
Last chance. Tell me and you can end it quick and easy, like the others.
Jude looks to the lab assistant’s dead face, frozen in horror. Tightens his jaw in grief and rage.
JUDE
I’d prefer something a little easier, like being drawn and quartered. I bet you boys could arrange that. I’ll pass. I’m not into Arabica. I’m more of a Liberica kind of guy.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE:
FIRST VERSION:
MASKED FIGURE
You sure? I’m not usually known for being this charitable.
JUDE
I’m not into Arabica. I’m more of a Liberica kind of guy.
SECOND VERSION (ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE):
MASKED FIGURE
It’s going to go this way, one way or another. You can’t stop it.
JUDE
You won’t find her.
========
FIRST VERSION:
The table erupts in hullabaloo. Marks smiles warmly.
MARKS
Please. I know it’s a shock to the system, but you placed me as head of this company for a reason —
BOARD MEMBER
— How can this have happened?!
MARKS
It seems we have a leak.
SECOND VERSION:
The table erupts in hullabaloo. Marks smiles warmly.
BOARD MEMBER
We appointed you CEO to prevent exactly this kind of thing from happening!
MARKS
There’s only so much a plumber can do to stop leaks in creaky, out-of-date, decrepit piping. A good plumber would rip everything out, dismantle it. Starting here, at this table. Or he could plug the leaks so tight, the structure will stay dry forever.
========
SETUP/PAYOFF:
FIRST VERSION:
MARKS
I didn’t get time to shave. And, as there will no doubt be many a television interview… I’ve got to look the part of Supreme Leader.
He calmly opens his collar, removes his $1000 necktie, carefully smoothes it over the chair back… and starts to apply shaving cream.
SECOND VERSION:
Setup:
MARKS
There’s going to be a lot of media coverage today… can’t afford to look like one of the riff-raff.
He calmly opens his collar, removes his $1000 necktie, carefully smoothes it over the chair back… and starts to apply shaving cream.
Later in scene, setup:
MARKS
Oh, Mr. Chen.
Chen hangs back. Marks waits until they’re alone.
MARKS
You’ve got some peachfuzz. It’s unbecoming.
CHEN
Mr. Marks, I —
Marks pats the chair — it’s a command. Chen hesitantly takes a seat. Marks lathers Chen’s face.
Later in scene, Payoffs:
MARKS
There. No more peachfuzz. You’ll look great for the media. They’ll be on you rabid hounds once they learn the global spike in insulin prices was due to malfeasance from one of my Board members.
======
FIRST VERSION:
INT. BANQUET ROOM – DAY
Dres sets her phone in a stand, displaying SHALES on Zoom. Shales is early 40s, pleasant and unassuming. Seated in an office somewhere.
DRES
Eenie meanie miny mo, catch a tiger by the toe. We good?
SHALES
We will be once you fix your lipstick.
He gives her an encouraging smile. She fixes her lipstick.
SECOND VERSION:
Later in scene, payoff:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
…where she grabs an apron from a hook among several others. She wraps her wigged hair in a bandana, breezes through the wait- and cook-staffs as if she belongs among them.
A PHONE VIBRATES inside her pocket. A second phone. She opens to a videocall — Shales and the FBI Agent, same office background, sharing the screen like the two friends they are.
SHALES
(on phone)
We were this close! What the hell!
INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Talbot pursues at a calm distance. Rounds into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Dres continues her call. She’s heading for a door beyond the pantry.
DRES
Squeezed the tiger a little hard by the toe. I’m blown. It’s been nice knowing you boys.
Shales is about to protest, but Dres terminates the call.
=====
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Eric Humble’s Dialogue 1 + 2
What I learned doing this assignment is: This was a great assignment that has really elevated my dialogue. I had some breakthroughs on my lead character, because applying the character traits to the script showed him to be unexpectedly passive and bland, so I’m going to do some elevation to the binge worthy framework and subsequently the pitch to really make his character stronger, more active, and a bit edgier. The attack/counterattack scenes really became stronger and tighter after using that process and the conflicts have become more pronounced.
Attack/Counterattack dialogue:
BEFORE:
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jude emerges to see Catherine wandering amid the tables, wide-eyed and hysterical. She stops at each table to appeal.
CATHERINE
You must stop them! Good sir, surely you can see this is an absurd ritual! Madam, imagine it was your husband, I beg of you!
Jude, bewildered, rushes to her.
JUDE
Catherine! What is this? What’s going on?
She regards him as a stranger.
CATHERINE
Luther Penrose and the Albatross. The duel will commence at sunset. Can you stop them? Do you have any influence?
Jude is taken aback. She looks into his face with desperate hope — but zero recognition.
JUDE
Catherine…
CATHERINE
Do we know each other, sir?
Jude is stymied. She turns away from him, continues about the tables with rising hysteria.
CATHERINE
Does anyone have Lord Penrose’s ear?! This is his club! Someone must!
The manager approaches. Jude gently takes her by the arm to guide her away. But at his touch…
…she whirls and flips him with surprising agility. Jude crashes into a table. Plates and glassware go flying.
AFTER (VERSION TWO):
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jude emerges to see Catherine wandering amid the tables, wide-eyed and hysterical. She stops at each table to appeal.
CATHERINE
You must stop them! Good sir, surely you can see this is an absurd ritual! Madam, imagine it was your husband, I beg of you!
Jude, bewildered, takes her shoulder, turns her toward him.
JUDE
Hey… Catherine! If you wanted dinner theater, I would have insisted on a cheaper restaurant.
She regards him as a stranger.
CATHERINE
You forget yourself, sir. I’ll thank you to unhand me.
Jude is taken aback.
JUDE
If this is a joke, it stopped being funny.
CATHERINE
You think this is a joke? You degenerate. The duel is imminent. Can you stop them? Do you have any influence over Luther Penrose or the Albatross?
Jude takes her by the wrist.
JUDE
Let’s get you checked out somewhere.
CHARACTER PROFILE DIALOGUE PASS: This pass really opened to my eyes as to how it made the character of Dres come alive. Her dialogue is much more engaging and subtext-oriented once I started stressing her “con artist/manipiulative” core traits. It also gave me some real breakthroughs on my lead character, Jude. I have to go back to the binge-worthy framework and then the pitch to elevate certain aspects of his profile, because adding his core traits to pilot script showed a lot of passivity in his character, more than I’d been aware of up to this point. I want to make him a more active, more morally-compromised character going forward.
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Eric Humble’s Problem/Solution Gtid #2
What I learned is: how to zero in on some specific problems I can solve in the moment in order to keep moving forward.
For this lesson, I used the grid and discovered some problems I wasn’t aware I had initially, specifically in terms of the main character’s transformational journey. I used the suggested solutions in the grid and the model for Profound Screenwriting from the profound class and I think I have really elevated the script and solved some of my larger problems in the process. The exercise illuminated that some scenes which I was ready to simply cut actually work very well when arranged in a different order. I feel like I was able to really amplify the empathy/distress for my protagonist by structuring his journey based on the profound model as well, and I was able to change the challenging situations so that they challenge the character in a way that really forces change. In previous drafts, the challenging situations sometimes led me astray, sometimes even from the vision/concept.
All I’ve changed so far is my outline. I haven’t had time to actually write out any of the scenes, most of which have changed significantly from my first draft, but I’ll use the scene requirements and add a quick first draft of any dialogue before doing the upcoming dialogue assignments, so I’ll start crawling through this draft as I proceed going forward. But having solved the problems I have so far has really made me excited to kick this script into high gear in the next few drafts.
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Eric Humble Completed P/S Grid #1
What I learned doing this assignment is: That I can improve even the big sections of the scripts quickly and efficiently if I tackle them one step at a time and use the grid’s suggestions to focus me.
So far, I’ve only been able to complete one new scene, which I was able to identify quickly using the P/S grid. It’s an introduction scene for one of the main characters who didn’t have a proper introduction in Act One. The new scene is lackluster, but at least I have something in place at the moment. I was, however, able to identify quite a few of the major scenes which needed significant work/rewrites/retooling — especially the midpoint. I haven’t had the time or the ability to figure out the full solutions yet. The few I tried with, I sensed I was on the path to getting myself stuck, so I just gave the problems to my creative mind and now I’m moving forward onto the next lesson. So I know I’ll be returning to finish this work as we go, but I feel empowered by the decision to move forward rather than sit on one problem until it’s solved.
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Eric Humble Has Completed Act 4 + 5
What I learned is: I hit some speed bumps during this final stretch, in terms of just not having time to write consistently over the past few days — dealing with my son getting sick at school, then catching it and being sick myself. I was in a place where I figured the best I could do would be to stop at the end of Act Four and leave Act Five unwritten until the rewrite… but then I made the decision to buckle down, use the high speed rules and plow through… and I love what I’ve created in both acts four and five. My original act five was quite elaborate, more so that act four. But in the writing I found a way to use much of what I had intended for the fifth act to actually be the final few scenes of the fourth act. It works much better this way. I really enjoyed using the high speed rules to just bang out a draft that’s ready for a whole lot of fixing.
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Eric Humble’s Finished Act Three
What I learned: I’m using the high-speed method more comfortably and consistently now. While I’m still uncomfortable leaving scenes unwritten, I’m gaining a lot more empowerment but pushing through and moving ahead rather than being stuck on those scenes. Taking care of three kids and working part-time doesn’t give me much writing time, so I’ve found it’s important for me to keep moving forward and wherever I end on a given day, that’s all that’s going to get written on that particular act, at least until the end of this draft. It has kept me in a mode of seeing the big picture rather than getting hung up on scenes or details, which is refreshing.
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Eric Humble Finished Act 2
What I learned: I’ve been using the high speed rules more or less consistently, although I find I’ve been falling into the trap of stopping to think of words/phrases, and padding the scenes with dialogue that has run on a bit too long. So I need to concentrate more on speed and delivering exactly what’s in the outline rather than digressing. That said, I’m moving pretty quickly through the draft, leaving a number of scenes unwritten if I don’t get an immediate feel for them, and whatever ones I skip I’ve decided to leave for the very end, or possibly even for the rewrite, since I’ll have a better idea of how or if they’ll be used at that point.
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Eric Humble Finished Act 1 First Draft
What I learned: writing at high speed is allowing me to catch up quickly in this class. I’m enjoying the process and learning to embrace it. My only frustrations are when I run out of time and have to abandon a section of the script without writing it — and just leave the outline segment in its place. This has happened several times now, but I’m confident that once I’m done the draft, I’ll be able to go back and write or repair those scenes quickly.
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Eric Humble’s Teaser / High Speed Writing
What I learned doing this lesson is: how letting go of perfection and embracing speed has allowed me to create a very high speed. This was one of those scenarios for me where the teaser seemed to “write itself.” I just took my notes from outline and carried them over, added a little formatting to them and a light amount of added description and I had it. I’m excited to see what comes up when I apply this process to the rest of the script!
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What I learned doing this assignment is: how to build intrigue into each scene and identify it so that looking at the outline gives me an instant focus on the intrigue. This was a great assignment for reinforcing and in many cases creating new levels of intrigue throughout the outline.
OUTLINE WITH INTRIGUE
BEAT SHEET
Teaser:
INT. LAB – DAY: MYSTERY
New information reveal: Jude awakens to the sight of takeout coffee. A masked man is dousing the lab in gasoline to set it ablaze. He has already poisoned everyone in the lab via the other coffees… except Jude. Jude watches as the man destroys a specific set of microscope slides. Then he holds a gun to Jude’s head and offers him the quick way out—drink the coffee. Jude stands his ground. The masked man pistol whips him unconscious again. Lights up the place–the lab burns around Jude.
Open Loop: Will Jude escape or be killed?
Mystery: Who is the man? Why is he masked? What’s on the slide he destroyed?
Empathy/Distress: Jude is already hurt and gets pistol-whipped again.
Irony: They’re all dying just after discovering the cure for cancer
Setup:
-As he fades from consciousness, he fixated on one of the screens—sees the serum cell stopping the cancer sample.
-HE DOES SOMETHING THAT WE’LL PAYOFF WITH HIS ESCAPE LATER IN ACT 5
Act 1:
INT. LAB – DAY: INTRIGUING WORLD
New information reveal: Jude and his team tensely study the remains of an ancient body. They discover traces of a substance in the DNA that can cure cancer. It’s going to work this time. But Jude is manually extracting the “cure” from the ancient remains – and the process is radioactive, causing the specimen to decay if he uses too much. His higher-up is pressuring him into fudging the data to announce that the procedure works at the shareholders’ meeting in order to fend off a hostile takeover by a much larger company – as he tries to concentrate. He handles it perfectly – but the test is a failure—the sample is too old to withstand the process.
Open Loop: WIll they find the cure? Will Jude fudge the data?
Mystery: What are they doing? Is the person they’re testing alive?
Empathy/Distress: Jude is being pressured at just the moment he has to concentrate
most.
Payoff :…no, turns out to be mummified remains
Irony: He has identified the cure for cancer – but his boss is treating it like an abject
failure because he can’t make money off it right away.
Setup: The only ones who have the cure are ancient remains – and they’d need a living
body who possesses this genetic code to extract the cure.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY: IMMINENT THREAT/WOUND
Jude wanders the city listening to calming tapes – “everyone is not against you.” The city traffic and people seem to be following him and closing in. Everything triggers a memory of what happened to his brother – an intense bout of paranoia – which overrides the calming tapes. He senses someone following him. He ducks into an alley, waits for the person’s approach, leaps out to confront him… except it’s just an innocent bystander. Embarrassed and rattled, Jude returns to his tapes… when someone else strongarms him into a car.
Mystery: Who is following him? What do they want?
Empathy/Distress:
-Being followed
-Anxiety attack
-Makes a fool of himself when he challenges the wrong person
-Why does he need to listen to these tapes? What trauma caused this?
Irony: -Surrounded by people but without help
Setup: -Memories of his brother’s death flood him.
INT. PRIVATE MUSEUM – DAY: HIDDEN AGENDA
Jude is marched in as a prisoner, told to sit and wait. He protests but no one will answer him. Marks enters, gives him a tour of the relics including two mummies that could be his for the testing—offers him a plum position at Monolithic pharmaceuticals. Jude doesn’t agree with his aggressively for-profit philosophy – this job would be the world in exchange for his soul. But Marks won’t let him leave until he signs the contract. Jude uses his knowledge of the relics and remains here to show Marks how little he knows. Marks makes a spur-of-the-moment decision that causes world markets to tumble just to sweeten the deal. Jude still refuses, despite leading him on to think that would make the deal. Stands up to power and leaves.
Open Loop: -Will Jude work for Marks? Will he sell his soul to do it?
-Will Marks crush him now that he’s refused?
Mystery: -Why is Marks really so desperate to get him on his team?
Empathy/Distress: -He’s marched in like a prisoner, and the armed guards are watching
him.
Irony: – Everything about this is threatening until Marks enters – and acts kinder and
more empathetic than even Jude’s bosses
Setup: -Jude sees Marks’s mask in a case
INT. POSH BAR – NIGHT: DECEPTION
Dres resists getting hit on by a presumptuous, powerful man… eventually entertains him–and impresses him with a business plan to use the opioid model for a new depression drug. The CEO insists she accompany him to a shareholder’s meeting while he considers it. She hedges suddenly, excuses herself to the women’s room, but he follows her. She calls her assistant to get out of it, but he’s unhelpful. Finally, she gives in and goes along with him.
Mystery: -Why doesn’t she want to go to the meeting?
Empathy/Distress: -She’s the target of a powerful man hitting on her. She’s strong
enough to stand up to him.
Irony: She plays the victim but is actually the predator
Setup: She calls Shales
EXT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT: CONSPIRACY
Dres is really a con artist and the “assistant” is her partner Shales – whom she’s trying to convince to fold the con. She can’t afford to be this exposed – especially around this crowd. But Shales wants his cut – and has spiked brass knuckles. Shales hits her on the arm with the spiked knuckles. Smokes meth and threatens to kill her like he did their last partner. She relents, enters the building to go through with it.
Open Loop: -Will Shales hurt her?
-Will she get away from his grip?
Mystery: -Why is she hanging around with Shales? What does he have over her?
-What happened to their former partner?
Empathy/Distress: -Shales hits her with spiked knuckles.
Setup: -Shales turns on his partners.
-Shales cuts her and she’s bleeding.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT: STRANGE BEHAVIOR
A disheveled man attempts to enter. The security guards strongarm him. He fishes out an invite… and ID to match. They admit him. He is nervous to go through a metal detector. Gets out of line, tries to bypass them – but there are security guards cordoning off every other way into the ballroom. Door security is still eyeing him and radioing to the others about him. He gets back in line. Goes through, is cleared without incident.
Open Loop: -He sends a text stating he’s about to go through with it. To whom? Who
put him up to this?
Mystery: – Who is this man?
-Why does he look this way?
-Why is he nervous to pass through the metal detector?
Empathy/Distress: -Scared to pass through the metal detector – will he get caught?
Irony: -Jude is keynote speaker, lecture about cures… but a gunman is about kill them
all.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT: MYSTERY
Jude’s boss hands him a prepared statement, pressuring him to lie… and he’s up to speak. Threatens him – do this or he’s fired, along with his perks and family health insurance. He has a dilemma – tell the truth and be washed up or lie and compromise his ethics. He stands to speak, surveys the audience. Tears up the prepared statement, and starts his own speech railing against the current state of healthcare for profit… when Catherine has a dissociative episode. Her delusion is a duel from seventeenth century England.
Open Loop: -Catherine’s dissociative episode. Will she be ok? What’s wrong with her?
Mystery:-Why is the shooter there?
Empathy/Distress: -He has a dilemma.
-Chooses to be exiled by the bosses.
Irony: -As he’s railing about how people can’t afford even basic healthcare without their
employers having a hold on them, his own wife has a medical emergency.
Setup: Jude bumps into Dres as he’s deliberating about what to do. Sees her cuts from the knuckles are bleeding. Dabs it with a swab, bandages it for her.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT: SUSPICION
Dres sells the CEO on the con… all the while trying to get her phone close to him under the table. But the CEO is onto her. She tries to get away when he grabs her by the arm. He holds her and already has security closing in. During the struggle, she slips her phone into his pocket, starting a scan/transfer. He’s having her arrested – when he’s shot.
Mystery: -What’s she doing with the phone? Keeps trying to slip it in his pocket.
Empathy/Distress: – CEO calls her out on being a con woman. Grabs her. Has security
closing in.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT: IMMINENT THREAT
The disheveled man takes out a 3-D printed automatic rifle, approaches the stage. He hesitates in whatever purpose he has here, because Catherine is distracting him and everyone else. Someone sees the gun and calls out. The disheveled man massacres everyone. Dres ducks and makes for the exit, moving through a sea of people dying or wounded and begging her help. He has Jude point-blank, but recognizes him. Catherine springs up, jams the gun. The disheveled man is thrown off-guard by Catherine’s attack. The cops shoot him. Dres fixates on Jude as she slinks away, fascinated that he wasn’t killed. Dres makes it to an exit where Shales is waiting.
Open Loop: -The shooter warns Jude –
Mystery: -He seems to be searching for someone throughout his rampage. Who?
-The shooter seems to recognize Jude, and Jude the shooter. How do they know
each other?
-The shooter’s warning: even if they reel you in, don’t go through the door of
Thoth.
Empathy/Distress: -Jude witnesses people dying all around him. As does Dres.
Irony: -Jude convinces him to stand down… just as Catherine jams his gun and gets ‘
him shot.
Setup: -Catherine is surprisingly adept at disarming people.
-The reference to Thoth.
Act 2:
INT. ER – NIGHT: SECRET
Catherine is physically fine, but Jude is more concerned about the episode she was having. Deeds interrupts Jude’s examination of her. Deeds praises her heroism while giving him digs for freezing. Jude wheels her into neurology, carries on testing her brain even as Deeds pursues with more questions about why the shooter stopped upon seeing him. Jude tells Detective Deeds the shooter was a high-level Pharma engineer who just signed a lucrative contract with Monolithic. Jude reads the scan – and realizes she has advanced brain cancer.
Open Loop: -Catherine has advanced, inoperable brain cancer.
Mystery: -Why would the shooter have done this? No motivation.
Empathy/Distress: -Deeds is mocking him for being a coward.
Setup: -Catherine’s delusion was a real historical event. She passes it off as a book,
but it’s something she lived.
INT. COMPUTER REPAIR SHOP – DAY: CONSPIRACY
Dres is now worth half a million as she and Shales use a random computer in the repair area to transfer the money from the dead CEO before the accounts are frozen. She goes online, but Shales is watching her – doesn’t want to get caught because she does something stupid. And he won’t let her throw her money away. She distracts him by claiming one of the men in line is a cop she noticed earlier – makes him check if any more are surrounding the building. While he’s looking away, she donates her entire cut to go-fund-mes for people who can’t afford their meds.
Open Loop: -Shales claims he won’t let her out of his sight. It’s a threat.
-Dres looks up Jude, but has to close the site before Shales sees what she’s up
to.
Mystery: – Why is she giving all the money away?
Empathy/Distress: -She is clearly distressed by the massacre.
Irony: -Shales is overjoyed that the massacre gave them cover enough to escape in the
clear, and no one’s looking at the money yet. But Dres is traumatized.
Setup: -He got them plane tickets… but she want to retrieve a go-bag he doesn’t know
about.
INT. LAB – DAY: MYSTERY
He pushes his research to find the cure… but the process is still a failure… no specimen that hold can sustain the extraction. There’s one more specimen left and the museum wants it back. His lab assistant wants him to stop, won’t let him test it – if he costs the program any money, they’ll pull the plug. Lab assistant starts shutting down the equipment. Jude grabs him, tears his coat. Suddenly, the system reacts – it’s a success. Blood rich with the element in the DNA. It’s from the fragment of the assistant’s coat. It’s from the woman who was with the CEO of the lab equipment corporation.
Open Loop: -Will he ever find the cure?
-Will he get the cure from Dres?
-He has the assistant divide the blood into two samples. One for here, one for his home. Will it be safe at either location?
Mystery: -How does Dres have this cure in her blood?
Empathy/Distress: -Tests the mummy, destroys it. He’s in trouble. And he’s lost the last chance to cure Catherine.
Payoff: The blood from the bandage he put on Dres gives him the solution.
Irony: Just when he fails, he succeeds.
Setup: -Blood sample into the freezer we saw get stolen/destroyed at the beginning.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY: WOUND
Dres is in line to board her plane for the getaway when she overhears an airport ticket agent being talked into quitting her job after being denied a promotion. An irate person in line demands they attend to her. Dres picks the irate person’s pocket, causing her to have to stand aside as she fishes around for her ID. Dres gets in the ticket agent’s face and tells her to cut that person out of her life because their advice sucks. She should facie the boss who turned her down and demand the promotion. If he doesn’t give it to her, bring a plane down. She cancels her ticket, researches Jude.
Open Loop: What will happen when Shales discovers she didn’t leave?
Mystery: Why is she so interested in Jude?
Empathy/Distress: We empathize with her empowered stance.
Irony: She’s an immortal talking about how life is short.
INT. MARKS’S PENTHOUSE – DAY: WOUND
Marks checks in on the home health visit for his daughter. His daughter is having a great day and they plan for her college, what she’ll study, where she’ll live. Suddenly, she loses control of her bowels in the midst of their walk. She drops the pretext and wants to talk about final steps. Suddenly, an implant goes off, causing a ringing in his ears. He ignores it, refuses to talk of anything but a cure. He snaps at the staff to clean it up, berates the home health nurse and doctor, threatens to crush them. But he’s told the diagnosis – his daughter is dying – won’t be long now. He turns to the tv to see the markets in freefall because of his decision earlier – all this power and he can’t save her. The ringing in his ears is too much. He leaves her, his hand shaking… with fear.
Open Loop: Will his daughter die? Will he destroy the lives of her caregivers if she
does?
Mystery: What is the ringing in his ears?
Empathy/Distress: We empathize with his caring and grieving for his daughter.
Irony: All the power in the world and he can’t save the most important person in his life.
Setup: He needs to find a cure, stat.
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – DAY: INTRIGUING WORLD
Marks puts on a mask on the elevator up. When the doors open, everyone there is masked… and waiting in judgment for him. The Leader lists his failures in humiliating detail, sentences him to The Penance Room. Marks pitches the room… they need Jude and he couldn’t kill the target without hitting him. He’s given a second chance.
Open Loop: What is the Penance Room? What happens in there? Will Marks have
Dres killed? In frustration, he goes to remove his mask… when the Leader
cautions that this is an unbroken tradition and the consequences will be severe.
Mystery: Who are these people? What are they up to? Why are they masked?
Empathy/Distress: Marks is about to be tortured to death… after being publicly
humiliated.
Payoff: The mask is for this order.
Irony: Powerful bully in life, bullied nobody here.
Setup: -The Leader emerges from the doorway to his inner chambers.
-Marks says the name of the assassin he already has on the case.
INT. CEO’S OFFICE – DAY
Jude finds the CEO’s wife, distraught, trying to help manage the chaos – because $1 million has gone missing since he died. He questions her about the woman her husband was with, but she doesn’t know.
Start:
Challenging Situation:
Conflict:
Action:
Finish:
Open Loop:
Mystery:
Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:
EXT. SECLUDED COURTYARD – DAY: SECRET
Dres approaches an unmarked grave, retrieves a keycard buried there… when Jude shows up. Approaches her as a friend. She regales him with a history of this place he didn’t know—a tranquil moment… then suddenly pulls a knife and interrogates him. Demands to know why they didn’t kill him. Then, someone shoots at them! He has no idea what she’s talking about. He looks around for an escape… and spots a sniper’s rifle-site glinting in the sun. They’re shot at.
Open Loop: Will Jude and Dres unite? Will Dres give him the cure in her blood?
Mystery: Who is buried here? What is the keycard for?
Empathy/Distress: She holds Jude at knifepoint even though he didn’t threaten her.
Setup: Jude recognizes one of the walls as the rear of a chemical factory.
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY: WOUND
Jude cowers from the gunfire. He spots the sniper, realizes Dres was the target of the earlier shooting. He realizes has to attack the sniper—he’s in position. Jude hits him only to discover he’s a hemophiliac. Tries to save him with a coagulent from the sniper’s bag, but sees the guy is still planning to kill Dres. He dumps the pills, fights him, making more bleeds. The sniper won’t tell him why they want to stifle the cure for cancer, so Jude takes a DNA sample only to realize he’s dead.
Open Loop: Will Jude get caught? How will killing someone change Jude?
Mystery: Why are they trying to stifle the cure?
Empathy/Distress:b Lets the guy bleed out. Tough to watch and experience.
Irony: Doctor killing someone.
Act 3:
EXT. COURTYARD – DAY: CONSPIRACY
Dres returns to her questioning – either he’s one of them or they need him. He doesn’t know who “they” are. She’s done with him.
Jude is in shock that he killed a man. Des holds the knife to his neck again. He just stares at the body, doesn’t care if he dies – he was meant to heal people not kill them. Dres questions him. Jude questions her back. She snaps him to attention – they’ve got to clean this up. There will be others, and police. He’s an all-in accomplice – follows orders to destroy the body.
Open Loop: Will Jude get caught? Will Dres help him or betray him to the cops? Will
more assassins come after them? What will the cabal do now that he’s killed one
of their own? How can they cover this up?
Mystery: Who is this assassin?
Empathy/Distress: Jude is in shock, feels remorse.
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY: HIDDEN AGENDA
Dres is In control of everything – total cover up. They have to move the body without leaving more evidence – and it won’t stop bleeding. She has him put gravel over the blood has been draining in, roll out a plastic tarp the assassin had on his person for clean up and roll the body onto it. He notices a birthmark in the shape of a symbol. Then carry it across the courtyard. Jude is rattled and bad at this… she’s annoyed and time is of the essence. She questions him about how secret this meeting was – and he realizes everyone knows where he was going, who he is. He’s blown.
Open Loop: Will Jude be caught?
Mystery: -How many people has Dres killed and disposed of?
-What’s the birthmark?
Empathy/Distress: They have to hurry and the body won’t stop bleeding.
Payoff: The keycard goes to the chemical plant, opens a back door.
Irony: He knows everything about the human body but can’t do anything to stop the
blood.
INT. CHEMICAL COMPANY – DAY: CONSPIRACY
Dres reveals one wall is the back of a place filled with vats – she lured them to a place where she could dispose of the body. Jude is aghast at the next part of this process – but she calms and focuses him, assuring him she’ll get them both in the clear. They need to get the body to the vat around the manager on duty. The manager has heard them. He knocks over another barrel on another row to call the manager’s attention to it. Then rushes back to help Dres dump the body…except she’s gone. He has to do it himself… but has the wherewithal to stop and take a DNA sample first. Except in his delay, the manager catches him. He tells him he’s here with Dres, as a feeble hail mary… but it works. The manager leaves him be. He dumps the body, runs out to the street and sees suspicious faces everywhere. Overwhelmed by paranoia.
Open Loop: Where did Dres go? Will he be able to find her again? Will she betray
him?
Empathy/Distress: He’s in the hot seat and the manager is getting closer.
Setup: Takes DNA sample.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – DAY: SECRET
Jude is paranoid and panicked, afraid he’ll be caught. He bursts in the door, out of breath, wires into news reports. Special report comes on TV – but it’s just a report on the mass shooting at the shareholders convention. The shooter acted alone. Sees blood on his sleeve, rushes to the bathroom to scrub. Realizes he smells of chemicals, strips, gets in the shower. Catherine gets in with him. He relaxes, realizes no one is after him.
Open Loop: -Will he get caught?
-Will Catherine find out what he did?
-Will he tell Deeds what happened? Will that get him in deeper trouble?
Mystery: Why is Deeds closing the investigation when clearly there’s more going
on?
Empathy/Distress: He committed murder and is afraid of getting caught.
INT. SHOWER – NIGHT
They make love… when she has another episode. He brings her out of it but she’s inconsolable, grabs his cell and calls an oncologist friend. But he wants to keep the diagnosis from her and just cure her instead. He hangs up the call to the doctor… when he hears a click and sees a glitch. Someone is actually tracking him. He breaks the sim card.
Open Loop: -Will he tell her about her cancer?
-Will she find out from someone else?
Empathy/Distress: -Catherine can’t trust her mind, is panicked about it.
-We know he has the cure in his grasp but has lost it.
Setup: Glitch on his phone.
INT. LAB – NIGHT: MYSTERY
Jude sneaks into the lab after hours, but feels watched from the security cameras. analyzes the DNA. The night guard questions him on why he’s there. He has to lie that he’s scanning a sample that got delivered to the wrong lab. The guard fixes him in a penetrating stare. The scan is taking way too long – 300,000 people in the database and it’s going one at a time. The computer is recording his activity. He looks up the birthmark… but can’t look away from the camera light and the indicator that the keystrokes are being recorded. It’s against protocol to go on the Dark Net, but he overrides it. Full-on paranoia – the Dark Net screen is filled with conspiracy theories about the symbol. A rabbit hole he must go down.
Open Loop: Will the DNA turn up anything?
-Will he get caught for violating the computer policy? For even being here now?
-Is he having some kind of breakdown with his conspiracy obsession?
Mystery: -What’s the significance of the birthmark?
-How does he know about the Dark Net? What has he gotten into in the past?
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – NIGHT: SECRET
Marks rides the elevator up, masked, breathing heavily beneath, palms sweating. Bows in the elevator, prostrates himself as the doors open, falling on the mercy of the cabal… But when the doors open, it’s a private, friendly meeting with just the Leader. While outwardly friendly, the Leader is threatening him – impressing on him that he will be tortured and killed if he doesn’t kill Jude as well. The Leader takes him into his private chambers and Marks sees the door to the archives, but is forbidden to enter or even inquire about it. The Leader relaxes the restriction and removes his mask. Marks, sensing a test, opts to keep his on. Marks goes to the archives door–sees an elaborate symbol-laden device that serves as the combination lock. About to try the handle when the Leader tells him it’s laced with poison… maybe. The Leader slips, making a comparison to the cabal as a casino, always winning as long as people show up to play… and with disease they always will. He didn’t specify just “cancer.” There may be other cures.
Open Loop: -Are there more cures out there?
-What’s in the archives room, really?
-Will Marks be tortured to death for his multiple failures?
Mystery: -What is this cabal’s real purpose? Why are they suppressing diseases? How
did Marks get involved in the first place?
Payoff: -The Leader relaxes the restriction and takes off his mask, urges Marks to do so
– but Marks won’t, in case it’s a test.
Irony: -An intimate, private meeting between friends – that is more threatening than the
last meeting.
Setup: -The elaborate lock on the archives door.
INT. CONSPIRACY THEORY RADIO STATION/ROOFTOP – NIGHT: CONSPIRACY
Wisnewski, a brash conspiracy theorist, finishes recording his podcast with an
outrageous theory about price controlled pharmaceuticals. Signs off with trust no one. Goes to the roof to smoke… when Jude emerges from the shadows to talk to him. Wisnewski is armed, holds a gun on him. Jude diagnoses him with lung cancer, promises him a cure instead. Jude needs info about the birthmark from Wisnewski based on a theory he’s read on the Dark Net, but Wisnewski doesn’t trust him because he left all this behind – thinks he’s part of the establishment now and wants something in return as bona fides – data from his lab. Jude realizes this was a mistake, withdraws. Then, he gets an alert – the DNA comes up with a match – another Pharma employee, who recently went to work for Monolithic.
Open Loop: -Why does he feel Jude betrayed him?
-Will Wisnewski answer him eventually.
Mystery: -How does Jude know this clown?
-Why does he want data from Jude’s lab?
-The reason Jude quit was that one of their followers shot up a clinic believing it
was part of an evil conspiracy… he makes a reference to this.
Empathy/Distress: Held at gunpoint… and Wisnewski holds a grudge.
Setup: Mentions their old conspiracy theory group, The Truth Warriors.
Payoff: DNA results come back in.
Act 4:
INT. EXECUTIVE GYM – DAY: MYSTERY
Using real-world resources to demystify this conspiracy–Jude appeals to a powerful Big Pharma CEO with ties to the Justice Department to find out about the guy/sniper who recently left, but the CEO will only talk to him if he boxes with him in the executive gym. Jude goes along with it, but the CEO keeps deflecting by making fun of Jude’s “softness” in a fight. But the CEO is stonewalling him, deflecting. When Jude presses him, the CEO warns him not to turn over this rock. CEO excuses himself to make a call, then will tell him everything off-the-record. The CEO has collapsed of a heart attack in the men’s room. As Jude does CPR in vain, he sees the birthmark on the CEO’s chest.
Open Loop: Was this murder?
Mystery: Who killed him? How?
Empathy/Distress: Jude is being embarrassed in the boxing match.
Setup: -Jude is “soft” in a fight.
-CEO says that he and the employee go “way back”… which Jude questions
because this was a young guy. The CEO deflects.
-Jude gets mad and gets in a good punch that stops the CEO in his tracks. He
can fight when he wants to. He implores him – he’s trying to use more grounded techniques to get to the bottom of this rather than the ugly alternative of conspiracy-minded dirty tactics he’s learned.
INT. ACTIVE SHOOTER’S HOUSE – DAY: MYSTERY
Funeral—solemn and respectful… it’s for the shooter from the shareholder’s convention. Jude approaches the shooter’s partner, who doesn’t want to talk, thinks he’s a reporter. Family members intervene to remove him. He tells them he’s a colleague – but gets caught in a lie. Gets up to the body and checks it for the birthmark/symbol… And discovers it. The family closes in. He evades them by ducking into a catacomb—because he knows that’s how the old remains were kept. Then comes up and surprises the partner again. The partner tells him the shooter started acting strange after the promotion and eventually had a full-on freak-out when his phone started glitching. He went on and on about someone tracking their movements, listening to them. Jude presses him for more, but the partner loses his cool. Jude gets ejected in the midst of a shouting match.
Open Loop: Did the partner know? Does he know more than he’s telling?
Mystery: What is the partner afraid of? Who gave the shooter his orders that night?
Empathy/Distress: The family is trying to get him out of there.
Payoff: The shooter said something to him that makes sense now: the department he
worked for at Monolithic. Each of the departments is named after an Eyptian god
– and R&D is named after the god of wisdom: Thoth.
INT. JUDE’S HOUSE – NIGHT: CONSPIRACY
The picture that tormented his brother, which he hasn’t seen in years, is out on his desk. Suddenly, he’s taken to the ground and Marks and his associates (masked) announce he’s already seen his wife for the last time. They’re going to kill him regardless, but they’ll kill Catherine if he doesn’t hand over the sample. He lies about the sample at his house being the only one. He grabs a pair of scissors from the desk and palms it. Tries to work up the courage to use it when Marks calmly calls him out on having it. If he wants to be a soldier, he needs training. Marks spares him, against his orders. And strongly urges him to rethink the offer from Monolithic.
Open Loop: -Marks fights him off with a surprising ability for martial arts – how does he
know how to do this?
Mystery: -What happened to his brother? (Alternate: the member of his conspiracy
group who shot up a restaurant)
Empathy/Distress: Beaten up, gun to his head
Irony: His choice – be killed or get a better job that will give him everything he’s ever
wanted… which he’s been warned not to take
Setup: If he wants to be a soldier, he needs training.
Act 5:
INT. JUDE’S CAR – DAY: IMMINENT THREAT
He races to his lab to synthesize the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had… but the equipment is all down.
Jude jets off to get to the lab to make the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had, but his assistant is all in a tizzy – can’t get started because the servers are down. Jude races there, but an overturned car has caused a traffic jam. Jude, as an MD, is obligated to treat the injured… except he sees the driver of the crashed vehicle has the birth mark – it was a suicide mission designed to delay him from the lab. Jude hurriedly ties a tourniquet to the leg of the surviving driver. Takes the man’s cell phone because he left his own in his car, and calls the lab to warn them. Jude gets there, warns them – only to be pistol-whipped unconscious by the IT guy.
Mystery: -Is this just a coincidence?
Empathy/Distress: Last chance to make the cure is in jeopardy.
INT. LAB – DAY: SECRET IDENTITY
(Intercut with previous scene) Bad first day on the job. IT tech guy arrives late, got lost on the way because his GPS wasn’t working… then admits it’s because he couldn’t figure out how to work the GPS. The servers are down for the whole lab and everyone’s agitated and angry – they’re on a time crunch here, boss’s orders. He checks out the servers and goes pale – he’s never worked on servers like this. This is his first job, fresh out of college and he’s only read about these servers once sophomore year. He rushes back to his trunk and takes out a dog-eared textbook. The lab assistant catches him. He apologizes and has to call in for his boss to come… but sets down the cardboard carrier of poisoned coffees we saw at the beginning and offers them in consolation. By the end – Everyone is dead. As the lab assistant gags blood and dies, the IT guy fixes on a mask, takes out a gun. He’s a killer in waiting.
Open Loop: Will this guy kill Jude when he sets the place on fire?
Mystery: What happened to the servers?
Empathy/Distress: -We sense the danger they’re in.
– We empathize with the IT guy on a relentlessly bad day
Payoff: The coffees we saw at the beginning.
Irony: Acting like he doesn’t know how any of this works when he’s actually an expert staging the crime scene.
Setup: Gas can in the trunk along with his IT textbooks.
INT. LAB – DAY: MYSTERY
The teaser replayed.
Payoff: He escapes by —- WHATEVER THE SETUP WAS.
INT. POSH BAR – DAY: DECEPTION
Dres gets word of a new, easy mark—getting drunk at a posh bar. It’s actually Jude luring her into a trap—give him her DNA or he’ll sick the police on her for her other con… which will make her a sitting duck for them. But since he’s forcing her to do the thing she never would, she forces him back: infiltrate them. They didn’t kill him—twice—which means they need him. He drunkenly goes into the mens room so she’ll follow him… then surprises her from behind the door. She pulls her knife but he doesn’t flinch. Instead calmly bolts the door to isolate them. She promises Jude – if he can get her inside, to the people making these decisions – she’ll give him as much of her DNA as he needs to make the cure.
But Shales has overheard, wants in on the con, and insists Dres kill Jude once it’s over – or he will.
Open Loop: -Will Shales kill him when it’s over?
-Is Dres conning him?
-Why does she need him to infiltrate the organization?
-Why do they want him?
INT. MONOLITHIC – DAY: HIDDEN AGENDA
Jude is hat-in-hand, begging for the job he turned down. Marks listens condescendingly… and Jude doesn’t see that he has a gun under the desk. Marks is offended by Jude’s turndown last time they met. Puts him to the test – offers one of the mummies from his private museum to be tested on. Jude performs his process on the mummy in Marks’s museum—extracts a cure for cancer… As he does so, Marks suspects he has an ulterior motive for joining the crew… the lab fire being a tip of the iceberg. Jude calls Marks out on needing the process for more than he’s saying, since it still doesn’t work and he knows this. He’s got it! But once again, the radiation destroys the sample before the cure can be made stable. Jude starts to explain that he’s in a bind – but Marks reveals he’s already issued a statement and his lawyers have already talked to the investigating officer – Detective Deeds – to say that Jude wasn’t at the lab because he started work here last week. He’s already covered, now that he’s sold his soul.
Open Loop: Is Jude going to get in or get found out and killed?
-Does Marks know what he’s up to?
-Does Jude know it was Marks at his house?
Mystery: Why does Marks want his process?
Payoff: Marks takes him into the Thoth department.
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Eric Humble’s Scene Requirements
What I learned is: Firstly, apologies this is so late coming. I had a family crisis to deal with over the course of the last few months, but fortunately, all is well now and I have the time and space to resume classwork. What I learned in this assignment is how to structure the essential components of each scene and transform an essence-only beat sheet into a more fully realized outline that focuses on the fundamentals. I’ve been doing this process since MSC, so this wasn’t entirely new to me, but in the case it did allow me to identify some flow problems and some acts which were overwritten with too many beats. I still am missing a key scene linking the events of Act Two to the midpoint, but I’m confident I’ll figure out that in time. Also, my Act Four is too short — only three scenes at present. But again, I’m sure I’ll be able to work that out soon… possibly the next lesson will give me a breakthrough.
BEAT SHEET
Teaser:
INT. LAB – DAY
New information reveal: Jude awakens to the sight of takeout coffee. A masked man is dousing the lab in gasoline to set it ablaze. He has already poisoned everyone in the lab via the other coffees… except Jude. Jude watches as the man destroys a specific set of microscope slides. Then he holds a gun to Jude’s head and offers him the quick way out—drink the coffee. Jude stands his ground. The masked man pistol whips him unconscious again. Lights up the place–the lab burns around Jude.
Act 1:
INT. LAB – DAY
New information reveal: Jude and his team tensely study the remains of an ancient body. They discover traces of a substance in the DNA that can cure cancer. It’s going to work this time. But Jude is manually extracting the “cure” from the ancient remains – and the process is radioactive, causing the specimen to decay if he uses too much. His higher-up is pressuring him into fudging the data to announce that the procedure works at the shareholders’ meeting – as he tries to concentrate. He handles it perfectly – but the test is a failure—the sample is too old to withstand the process.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Jude wanders the city listening to calming tapes – “everyone is not against you.” The city traffic and people seem to be following him and closing in. Everything triggers a memory of what happened to his brother – an intense bout of paranoia – which overrides the calming tapes. He senses someone following him. He ducks into an alley, waits for the person’s approach, leaps out to confront him… except it’s just an innocent bystander. Embarrassed and rattled, Jude returns to his tapes… when someone else strongarms him into a car.
INT. PRIVATE MUSEUM – DAY
Jude is marched in as a prisoner, told to sit and wait. He protests but no one will answer him. Marks enters, gives him a tour of the relics including two mummies that could be his for the testing—offers him a plum position at Monolithic pharmaceuticals. Jude doesn’t agree with his aggressively for-profit philosophy – thd job would be the world in exchange for his soul. But Marks won’t let him leave until he signs the contract. Jude uses his knowledge of the relics and remains here to show Marks how little he knows. Marks makes a spur-of-the-moment decision that causes world markets to tumble just to sweeten the deal. Jude still refuses, despite leading on to think that would make the deal. Stands up to power and leaves.
INT. POSH BAR – NIGHT
Dres resisting getting hit on by a presumptuous, powerful man… eventually entertains him–and impresses him with a business plan to use the opioid model for a new depression drug. The CEO insists she accompany him to a shareholder’s meeting while he considers it. She hedges suddenly, excuses herself to the women’s room, but he follows her. She calls her assistant to get out of it, but he’s unhelpful. Finally, she gives in and goes along with him.
EXT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT
Dres is really a con artist and the “assistant” is her partner Shales – whom she’s trying to convince to fold the con. She can’t afford to be this exposed – especially around this crowd. But Shales wants his cut – and has spiked brass knuckles. Shales hits her in the gut with the spiked knuckles. Smokes meth and threatens to kill her like he did their last partner. She relents, enters the building to go through with it.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT
A disheveled man attempts to enter. The security guards strongarm him. He fishes out an invite… and ID to match. They admit him. He is nervous to go through a metal detector. Gets out of line, tries to bypass them – but there are security guards cordoning off every other way into the ballroom. Door security is still eyeing him and radioing to the others about him. He gets back in line. Goes through, is cleared without incident.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT
Jude’s boss hands him a prepared statement, pressuring him to lie… and he’s up to speak. Threatens him – do this or he’s fired, along with his perks and family health insurance. He has a dilemma – tell the truth and be washed up or lie and compromise his ethics. He stands to speak, surveys the audience. Tears up the prepared statement, and starts his own speech railing against the current state of healthcare for profit… when Catherine has a dissociative episode. Her delusion is a duel from seventeenth century England.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT
Dres sells the CEO on the con. But the CEO is onto her. She tries to get away when he grabs her by the arm. He holds her and already has security closing in. During the struggle, she slips her phone into his pocket, starting a scan/transfer. He’s having her arrested – when he’s shot.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ GALA – NIGHT
The disheveled man takes out a 3-D printed automatic rifle, approaches the stage. He hesitates in whatever purpose he has here, because Catherine is distracting him and everyone else. Someone sees the gun and calls out. The disheveled man massacres everyone. Dres ducks and makes for the exit, moving through a sea of people dying or wounded and begging her help. He has Jude point-blank, but recognizes him. Catherine springs up, jams the gun. The disheveled man is thrown off-guard by Catherine’s attack. The cops shoot him. Dres fixates on Jude as she slinks away, fascinated that he wasn’t killed. Dres makes it to an exit where Shales is waiting.
Act 2:
INT. ER – NIGHT
Catherine is physically fine, but Jude is more concerned about the episode she was having. Deeds interrupts Jude’s examination of her. Deeds praises her heroism while giving him digs for freezing. Jude wheels her into neurology, carries on testing her brain even as Deeds pursues with more questions about why the shooter stopped upon seeing him. Jude tells Detective Deeds the shooter was a high-level Pharma engineer who just signed a lucrative contract with Monolithic. Jude reads the scan – and realizes she has advanced brain cancer.
INT. COMPUTER REPAIR SHOP – DAY
Dres is now worth half a million as she and Shales transfer the money from the dead CEO before the accounts are frozen. She goes online, but Shales is watching her – doesn’t want to get caught because she does something stupid. And he won’t let her throw her money away.She distracts him by claiming one of the men in line is a cop she noticed earlier – makes him check if any more are surrounding the building. While he’s looking away, she donates her entire cut to go-fund-mes for people who can’t afford their meds.
INT. LAB – DAY
He pushes his research to find the cure… but the process is still a failure… no specimen that hold can sustain the extraction. There’s one more specimen left and the museum wants it back. His lab assistant wants him to stop, won’t let him test it – if he costs the program any money, they’ll pull the plug. Lab assistant starts shutting down the equipment. Jude grabs him, tears his coat. Suddenly, the system reacts – it’s a success. Blood rich with the element in the DNA. It’s from the fragment of the assistant’s coat. It’s from the woman who was with the CEO of the lab equipment corporation.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
Dres is in line to board her plane for the getaway when she overhears an airport ticket agent being talked into quitting her job after being denied a promotion. An irate person in line demands they attend to her. Dres picks the irate person’s pocket, causing her to have to stand aside as she fishes around for her ID. Dres gets in the ticket agent’s face and tells her to cut that person out of her life because their advice sucks. She should facie the boss who turned her down and demand the promotion. If he doesn’t give it to her, bring a plane down. She cancels her ticket, researches Jude.
INT. MARKS’S PENTHOUSE – DAY
Marks checks in on the home health visit for his daughter. His daughter is having a great day and they plan for her college, what she’ll study, where she’ll live. Suddenly, she loses control of her bowels in the midst of their walk. She drops the pretext and wants to talk about final steps. Suddenly, an implant goes off, causing a ringing in his ears. He ignores it, refuses to talk of anything but a cure. He snaps at the staff to clean it up, berates the home health nurse and doctor, threatens to crush them. But he’s told the diagnosis – his daughter is dying – won’t be long now. He turns to the tv to see the markets in freefall because of his decision earlier – all this power and he can’t save her. The ringing in his ears is too much. He leaves her, his hand shaking… with fear.
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – DAY
Marks puts on a mask on the elevator up. When the doors open, everyone there is masked… and waiting in judgment for him. The Leader lists his failures in humiliating detail, sentences him to The Penance Room. Marks pitches the room… they need Jude and he couldn’t kill the target without hitting him. He’s given a second chance.
INT. CEO’S OFFICE – DAY
Jude finds the CEO’s wife, distraught, trying to help manage the chaos – because $1 million has gone missing since he died. He questions her about the woman her husband was with, but she doesn’t know.
Start:
Challenging Situation:
Conflict:
Action:
Finish:
EXT. SECLUDED COURTYARD – DAY
Dres approaches an unmarked grave, retrieves a keycard buried there… when Jude shows up. Approaches her as a friend. She regales him with a history of this place he didn’t know—a tranquil moment… then suddenly pulls a knife and interrogates him. Demands to know why they didn’t kill him. Then, someone shoots at them! He has no idea what she’s talking about. He looks around for an escape… and spots a sniper’s rifle-site glinting in the sun. They’re shot at.
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY
Jude cowers from the gunfire. He spots the sniper, realizes Dres was the target of the earlier shooting. He realizes has to attack the sniper—he’s in position. Jude hits him only to discover he’s a hemophiliac. Tries to save him with a coagulent from the sniper’s bag, but sees the guy is still planning to kill Dres. He dumps the pills, fights him, making more bleeds. The sniper won’t tell him why they want to stifle the cure for cancer, so Jude takes a DNA sample only to realize he’s dead.
Act 3:
EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Dres returns to her questioning – either he’s one of them or they need him. He doesn’t know who “they” are. She’s done with him.
Jude is in shock that he killed a man. Des holds the knife to his neck again. He just stares at the body, doesn’t care if he dies – he was meant to heal people not kill them. Dres questions him. Jude questions her back. She snaps him to attention – they’ve got to clean this up. There will be others, and police. He’s an all-in accomplice – follows orders to destroy the body.
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY
Dres is In control of everything – total cover up. They have to move the body without leaving more evidence – and it won’t stop bleeding. She has him put gravel over the blood has been draining in, roll out a plastic tarp she had planted there and roll the body onto it. He notices a birthmark in the shape of a symbol. Then carry it across the courtyard. Jude is rattled and bad at this… she’s annoyed and time is of the essence. She questions him about how secret this meeting was – and he realizes everyone knows where he was going, who he is. He’s blown.
INT. CHEMICAL COMPANY – DAY
Dres reveals one wall is the back of a place filled with vats – she lured them to a place where she could dispose of the body. Jude is aghast at the next part of this process – but she calms and focuses him, assuring him she’ll get them both in the clear. They need to get the body to the vat around the manager on duty. The manager has heard them. He knocks over another barrel on another row to call the manager’s attention to it. Then rushes back to help Dres dump the body…except she’s gone. He has to do it himself. He runs out to the street and sees suspicious faces everywhere. Overwhelmed by paranoia.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – DAY
Jude is paranoid and panicked, afraid he’ll be caught. He bursts in the door, out of breath. Blows off work, wires in to news reports. But Catherine is home; she’s starting to wonder about her mind. He can’t tell her anything, but wants to speak from the heart in case he’s hauled away. Special report comes on TV – but it’s just a report on the mass shooting at the shareholders convention. The shooter acted alone. Sees blood on his sleeve, rushes to the bathroom to scrub. Realizes he smells of chemicals, strips, gets in the shower. Catherine gets in with him. He relaxes, realizes no one is after him. They make love… then he checks his phone. Still nothing… until he hears a click and sees a glitch. Someone is actually tracking him. He breaks the sim card.
INT. LAB – NIGHT
Jude sneaks into the lab after hours, but feels watched from the security cameras. analyzes the DNA. The night guard questions him on why he’s there. He has to lie that he’s scanning a sample that got delivered to the wrong lab. The guard fixes him in a penetrating stare. The scan is taking way too long – 300,000 people in the database and it’s going one at a time. The computer is recording his activity. He looks up the symbol… but can’t look away from the camera light and the indicator that the keystrokes are being recorded. It’s against protocol to go on the Dark Net, but he overrides it. Full-on paranoia – the Dark Net screen is filled with conspiracy theories about the symbol. A rabbit hole he must go down.
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – NIGHT
Marks rides the elevator up, masked, breathing heavily beneath, palms sweating. Bows in the elevator, prostrates himself as the doors open, falling on the mercy of the cabal… But when the doors open, it’s a private, friendly meeting with just the Leader. While outwardly friendly, the Leader is threatening him – impressing on him that he will be tortured and killed if he doesn’t kill Jude as well. The Leader takes him into his private chambers and Marks sees the door to the archives, but is forbidden to enter or even inquire about it. The Leader relaxes the restriction and removes his mask. Marks, sensing a test, opts to keep his on. Marks goes to the archives door–sees an elaborate symbol-laden device that serves as the combination lock. About to try the handle when the Leader tells him it’s laced with poison… maybe. The Leader slips, making a comparison to the cabal as a casino, always winning as long as people show up to play… and with disease they always will. He didn’t specify just “cancer.” There may be other cures.
INT. CONSPIRACY THEORY RADIO STATION/ROOFTOP – NIGHT
Wisnewski, a brash conspiracy theorist, finishes recording his podcast with an
outrageous theory. Signs off with trust no one. Goes to the roof to smoke… when Jude emerges from the shadows to talk to him. Wisnewski is armed, holds a gun on him. Jude diagnoses him with lung cancer, promises him a cure instead.
Jude needs info from Wisnewski, but Wisnewski doesn’t trust him because he left all this behind – thinks he’s part of the establishment now and wants something in return as bona fides – data from his lab. Jude realizes this was a mistake, withdraws.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He’s out of the conspiracy lifestyle for good. Professes to Catherine that he’s here for her. But realizes she’s having another bout. She’s scared, inconsolable. She wants to see a doctor—but he wants to keep the diagnosis from her and just cure her instead.
He hangs up the call to the doctor. Plans a vacation instead—to deal with the PTSD of that night. Then, he gets an alert – the DNA comes up with a match – another Pharma employee, who recently went to work for Monolith. It is a conspiracy after all.
Act 4:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – HIGHRISE – DAY
Using real-world resources to demystify this conspiracy–Jude appeals to a powerful Big Pharma CEO with ties to the Justice Department to find out about the guy/sniper who recently left. But the CEO is stonewalling him, deflecting. When Jude presses him, the CEO warns him not to turn over this rock. Jude grabs his arm, lifts his sleeve to reveal the same symbol/birth mark on him. CEO excuses himself to make a call, then will tell him everything off-the-record. The CEO has collapsed of a heart attack in the men’s room.
INT. ACTIVE SHOOTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Funeral—solemn and respectful… it’s for the shooter from the shareholder’s convention. Jude approaches the shooter’s partner, who doesn’t want to talk, thinks he’s a reporter. Family members intervene to remove him. He tells them he’s a colleague – but gets caught in a lie. Gets up to the body and checks it for the birthmark/symbol.. And discovers it. The family closes in. He evades them by ducking into a catacomb—because he knows that’s how the old remains were kept. Then comes up and surprises the partner again. The partner tells him the shooter started acting strange after the promotion and eventually had a full-on freak-out when his phone started glitching. He went on and on about someone tracking their movements, listening to them. Jude presses him for more, but the partner loses his cool. Jude gets ejected in the midst of a shouting match.
INT. JUDE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The picture that tormented his brother, which he hasn’t seen in years, is out on his desk. Suddenly, he’s taken to the ground and Marks and his associates (masked) announce he’s already seen his wife for the last time. They’re going to kill him regardless, but they’ll kill Catherine if he doesn’t hand over the sample. He lies about the sample at his house being the only one. He grabs a pair of scissors from the desk and palms it. Tries to work up the courage to use it when Marks calmly calls him out on having it. If he wants to be a soldier, he needs training. Marks spares him, against his orders. And strongly urges him to rethink the offer from Monolithic.
Act 5:
INT. JUDE’S CAR – DAY
He races to his lab to synthesize the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had… but the equipment is all down.
Jude jets off to get to the lab to make the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had, but his assistant is all in a tizzy – can’t get started because the servers are down. Jude races there, but an overturned car has caused a traffic jam. Jude, as an MD, is obligated to treat the injured… except he sees the driver of the crashed vehicle has the birth mark – it was a suicide mission designed to delay him from the lab. Jude hurriedly ties a tourniquet to the leg of the surviving driver. Takes the man’s cell phone because he left his own in his car, and calls the lab to warn them. Jude gets there, warns them – only to be pistol-whipped unconscious by the IT guy.
INT. LAB – DAY
(Intercut with previous scene) Bad first day on the job. IT tech guy arrives late, got lost on the way because his GPS wasn’t working… then admits it’s because he couldn’t figure out how to work the GPS. The servers are down for the whole lab and everyone’s agitated and angry – they’re on a time crunch here, boss’s orders. He checks out the servers and goes pale – he’s never worked on servers like this. This is his first job, fresh out of college and he’s only read about these servers once sophomore year. He rushes back to his trunk and takes out a dog-eared textbook. The lab assistant catches him. He apologizes and has to call in for his boss to come… but sets down the cardboard carrier of poisoned coffees we saw at the beginning and offers them in consolation. By the end – Everyone is dead. As the lab assistant gags blood and dies, the IT guy fixes on a mask, takes out a gun. He’s a killer in waiting.
INT. LAB – DAY
The teaser replayed.
EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
Dres gets word of a new, easy mark—getting drunk at a posh bar. It’s actually Jude luring her into a trap—give him her DNA or he’ll sick the police on her for her other con… which will make her a sitting duck for them. But since he’s forcing her to do the thing she never would, she forces him back: infiltrate them. They didn’t kill him—twice—which means they need him. He drunkenly goes into the mens room so she’ll follow him… then surprises her from behind the door. She pulls her knife but he doesn’t flinch. Instead calmly bolts the door to isolate them. She promises Jude – if he can get her inside, to the people making these decisions – she’ll give him as much of her DNA as he needs to make the cure.
INT. HIDEOUT – DAY
Shales has overheard, wants in on the con, and insists Dres kill Jude once it’s over – or he will.
INT. MONOLITHIC – DAY
Jude is hat-in-hand, begging for the job he turned down. Marks listens condescendingly… and Jude doesn’t see that he has a gun under the desk. Marks is offended by Jude’s turndown last time they met. Puts him to the test – offers one of the mummies from his private museum to be tested on. Jude performs his process on the mummy in Marks’s museum—extracts a cure for cancer… As he does so, Marks suspects he has an ulterior motive for joining the crew… the lab fire being a tip of the iceberg. Jude calls Marks out on needing the process for more than he’s saying, since it still doesn’t work and he knows this. He’s got it! But once again, the radiation destroys the sample before the cure can be made stable. Jude starts to explain that he’s in a bind – but Marks reveals he’s already issued a statement and his lawyers have already talked to the investigating officer – Detective Deeds – to say that Jude wasn’t at the lab because he started work here last week. He’s already covered, now that he’s sold his soul.
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Eric Humble’s Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment is: that the beat sheet provides a solid skeleton that can be read at a glance. I struggled a bit with this, as I always do, because I have a tendency to overwrite. I particularly had a hard time going back to essence while trying to retain everything we have built up from the original essence of each beat during the past few lessons. It still needs a lot of paring down and I need to really ensure my A B and C stories are divided with the A getting the most time, etc. But in getting to the end of this pass, I feel like I have a better handle on its purpose and I’m going to take another pass to shore up the A B and C storylines and cut it down some, both in terms of wording and the number of beats.
Show Concept: A cancer researcher protects an immortal woman whose DNA can cure cancer from a secret cabal of Big Pharma execs out to exterminate all immortals in order to keep the business of disease profitable.
Inciting Incident: An omnipotent cabal is out to kill Dres, who is Jude’s only hope of curing his wife’s cancer. He needs to find out who they are and stop them in order to keep Dres safe.
A STORY: Jude discovers Dres is the cure for cancer, must protect her from the cabal hunting her.
B STORY: Marks is the hunter, in increasing jeopardy from his own cabal.
C STORY: Catherine has brain cancer; police detective on the case.
BEAT SHEET
Teaser:
INT. LAB – DAY
New information reveal: a masked man has poisoned everyone in the lab except Jude, destroys a specific set of microscope slides. He gives Jude a chance to die quickly, but Jude refuses–so he douses everything with gasoline and sets it on fire–Jude included.
EXT. LAB – DAY
Jude slinks away, calls Dres as he watches the lab burn. Tells her that she was right, he wasn’t lucky, he was spared… and that he’s “in.”
Act 1:
INT. LAB – DAY
Jude and his team tensely study the remains of an ancient body and discover traces of a substance in the DNA that can cure cancer. But the procedure causes the body to disintegrate, and there’s not enough to definitively declare success.
INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY
Marks makes a spur of the moment decision regarding insulin prices… and markets go haywire.
INT. MARKS’S PENTHOUSE – DAY
Marks checks in on the home health visit for his daughter… but learns she’s dying of her MS. For all his wealth and power, he can’t save her.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Jude presents the failure of the tests to the Board. He’s pressured into fudging the data to announce that it works at the shareholders’ meeting.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
He’s lost in thought, reminded of the group that tormented his brother to suicide, when
a car tails him – and suited, armed men insist he get inside.
INT. PRIVATE MUSEUM – DAY
The car takes him to Marks, who courts him to work for Monolithic at a price of his choosing. Jude refuses, doesn’t agree with his aggressively for-profit philosophy.
INT. POSH BAR – NIGHT
Dres regales a CEO with how they can use the opioid model for a new depression drug. The CEO insists she accompany him to a shareholder’s meeting while he considers it. She seems scared, calls her assistant to get out of it, but he’s unhelpful.
EXT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
Dres is really a con artist and the “assistant” is her partner Shales – who gets scary with her about trying to back out.
EXT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
A disheveled man paces up and down until security hustles him away…when he shows them an invite.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
The disheveled man is nervous to go through a metal detector… although he passes through.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
The CEO is onto Dres, calls security and dials the authorities – when he is shot.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
Jude has to speak, conflicted about whether to lie or not… when Catherine has a dissociative episode. Her delusion is a duel from seventeenth century England.
INT. SHAREHOLDERS’ CONVENTION – NIGHT
The disheveled man takes out a 3-D printed automatic rifle and massacres everyone right in front of Jude. He has Jude point-blank, but recognizes him. Catherine springs up, jams the gun. The cops shoot him. Dres fixates on Jude as she slinks away, fascinated that he wasn’t killed.
Act 2:
INT. ER – NIGHT
Jude tells Detective Deeds the shooter was a high-level Pharma engineer who just signed a lucrative contract with Monolithic. Deeds commends Catherine on disabling the gun with her lucky hit, smirks at Jude freezing like a coward.
INT. NEUROLOGY TESTING ROOM – NIGHT
Catherine claims her hallucination must have something to do with a novel she read… but the duel between noblemen was real, not in the book. Jude reads the scan – and realizes she has advanced brain cancer.
INT. LAB – DAY
He pushes his research to find the cure… and discovers it, in an inadvertent blood sample from someone at the shareholder’s meeting – Dres.
INT. INTERNET CAFE – DAY
Shales and Dres transfer the money from the dead CEO before the accounts are frozen – split the $1 million.
EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
Dres donates her entire cut to charity, gathers her things to move on… but sneaks into the office to research Jude instead.
INT. BOARD MEETING – DAY
Marks is addressing the Monolithic Board, when he receives a summons that visibly disturbs him and cuts the meeting short.
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – DAY
Marks puts on a mask on the elevator up. When the doors open, everyone there is masked. The Leader lists his failures, sentences him to The Penance Room. Marks, fed up, is about to remove his mask when the Leader cautions him. Marks pitches the room… they need Jude and he couldn’t kill the target without hitting him. He’s given a second chance.
INT. CEO’S OFFICE – DAY
Jude finds the CEO’s wife, distraught, trying to help manage the chaos – because $1 million has gone missing since he died. He questions her about the woman her husband was with, but she doesn’t know.
INT. LOBBY – DAY
A passing employee comments that the CEO used to meet with that woman at the bistro on 51st and 8th… but the “employee” is Shales!
EXT. BISTRO – DAY
Jude confronts Dres, but she gets spooked and zigzags them to avoid being followed. The cloak-and-dagger stuff triggers Jude’s memory of his brother and he stops them.
EXT. SECLUDED COURTYARD – DAY
She details the history of this place from long ago… then suddenly pulls a knife. Demands to know why they didn’t kill him. Then, someone shoots at them!
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY
He spots the sniper, realizes she was the target of the earlier shooting. Jude hits him only to discover he’s a hemophiliac. Tries to save him with a coagulent from the sniper’s bag, but sees the guy is still planning to kill Dres. He dumps the pills, fights him, making more bleeds. The sniper won’t tell him why they want to stifle the cure for cancer, so Jude takes a DNA sample only to realize he’s dead.
Act 3:
EXT. SNIPER’S ROOST – DAY
Dres directs him on how to move the body – although he left a trail a mile wide coming here.
INT. CHEMICAL COMPANY – DAY
Reveals one wall is the back of a place filled with vats – she lured them to a place where she could dispose of the body. But she has a mission for him: go to a certain spot and retrieve something beneath a brick there.
EXT. CORNER BENEATH EL TRACKS – DAY
It’s an unmarked grave, and there’s a mask in the dirt. Someone is watching him through a rifle site. Under the mask is a keycard. A drug dealer comes up to him. He says the words she tells him, passes the guy a fifty, gets a bag of Monolithic painkillers. The cover of buying drugs causes the watchers to back down.
INT. CHEMICAL COMPANY – DAY
Dres uses the keycard to access the building – a vast row of vats. She directs him on what to do to dissolve the body… then vanishes on him.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – DAY
He looks up the corner in the news – the only crime there occurred seventy years ago. Assumes that whoever’s buried there is unreported.
EXT. ROOFTOP GARDEN – NIGHT
The Leader holds a private meeting to impress on Marks that he will be tortured and killed if he doesn’t kill Jude as well. But Marks discovers the Leader is harboring a secret trove of cures beyond cancer, possibly even MS… but he’d have to betray him to ever see it.
INT. JUDE’S LAB – NIGHT
There’s a glitch. Jude will never be able to manufacture anything even on a small scale with the equipment they have – only Monolithic has that tech.
INT. JUDE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Catherine has another episode. She’s fragile, so he doesn’t tell her the diagnosis. He hears a tap on his phone. Sees a glitch on his screen… someone is tracking him.
INT. JUDE’S LAB – NIGHT
Detective comes to his lab asking about the initial shooter and Jude’s interaction with him… then inquires about another in Jude’s field. A name he knows, but he’s never met the guy. Turning Point:Accusation: The detective asks why he killed him. Jude is stunned – the other guy is the one who is dissolved in acid.
Act 4:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – HIGHRISE – DAY
Jude appeals to a powerful Big Pharma CEO with ties to the Justice Department to negotiate his cooperation with the police. CEO excuses himself to make a call and while he’s waiting, Jude sees the CEO through the window plummeting to his death.
INT. CRIME SCENE – DAY
Police detectives are covering up the murder, claiming it was a heart attack. Jude is outraged until he sees the widow is so scared that she’s insisting he go along with that narrative for all their sakes.
INT. ACTIVE SHOOTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Jude talks to the original shooter’s partner, who tells him he started acting strange after the promotion and eventually had a full-on freak-out when his phone started glitching. He went on and on about someone tracking their movements, listening to them.
INT. SUBWAY – DAY
Jude feels paranoid…and breaks the sim card on his phone before going home.
INT. JUDE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The picture that tormented his brother, which he hasn’t seen in years, is out on his desk. Suddenly, he’s taken to the ground and Marks and his associates force him to hand over the blood sample so they can destroy it… or they’ll kill him and Catherine. He gives it to them, insists it’s the only one. Marks doesn’t kill him as ordered.
Act 5:
EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
Dres makes her pitch: the cabal didn’t kill Jude – which means he’s valuable to them. Infiltrate them and she’ll give as much of her DNA as he needs to make the cure.
INT. JUDE’S CAR – DAY
He races to his lab to synthesize the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had… but the equipment is all down.
INT. LAB – DAY
IT tech guy comes to the lab to work on the servers. Seems nerdy and like it’s his first day on the job. But he’s brought coffee for everyone to compensate for the inconvenience.
INT. LAB – DAY
Jude gets there, warns them – only to be pistol-whipped unconscious by the IT guy.
INT. LAB – DAY
The teaser replayed.
INT. HIDEOUT – DAY
Shales has overheard, wants in on the con, and insists Dres kill Jude once it’s over – or he will.
INT. MONOLITHIC – DAY
Jude accepts the position, is greeted by Marks… both of them bucking the people who are threatening them by pursuing their own agenda with this gambit.
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Eric Humble’s Setting Up the Future!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how adding just a few setups can give even the pilot a sense that the story will be much broader. I was surprised by how much I was able to set up simply, including a subtle setup for what is now set to be the fifth season. I feel like I’ve added a future for the pilot and my entire show just by baking in a few simple setups.
Setups:
Catherine is an immortal.
Her delusion is an event from the seventeenth century, in England – a duel.
Catherine used to be the cabal’s head assassin.
She disarms the gunman before the police shoot him – damages the firing pin.
Jude is cowardly when it comes to physical violence… but he will become a fighter.
He’s called out on why he didn’t tackle the gunman. He admits he froze… and
incurs a look of disdain from the police.
Catherine and the Cabal Leader had a sexual history… until he betrayed her.
Dres is an immortal.
She takes him into a courtyard he didn’t know was here – and he knows this
neighborhood. She details the history of the area – before these buildings
blocked the light, this was a garden. He asks if she’s a historian – to which she
pulls a knife.
Dres’s mother was killed and she wants revenge.
Mystery – whose grave did he visit?
The mission: to retrieve something from it that will help dispose of the body – a
key to the chemical processing plant where they can get the barrels to dissolve
him in acid.
The cabal has existed throughout history to hunt and kill the immortals before they can cure all diseases.
Cover up: it doesn’t meet in a sinister place, but everyone wears masks. Marks
is fed up and about to remove his mask when the Leader cautions him: this
tradition is far older than cybersecurity – are you sure you want to be the first to
violate it?
The detective is going to catch Jude.
Already there.
Jude will establish a colony in Antarctica to prevent a pandemic.
While examining the ancient remains he discovers evidence it froze – comments
that they still contain disease with cold. The society this guy belonged to
understood a lot about modern science.
Jude takes a DNA sample from the sniper.
Jude asks the sniper why they want to stifle the cure for cancer. He sneers as
he’s dying: You are so naive.
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Eric Humble’s Adding Empathy/Distress!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how empathy and distress elevate scenes to the point of the audience really getting deeply connected to these characters. I’ve always had a hard time with empathy and especially distress in my scripts, not out of a desire to be nice to the characters, but more so because I never knew where the line was for pushing the characters. This exercise gave me a greater command of how and why to have bad things happen to the characters, and how to create that sense of deep empathy, or deep distress.
1. Look through your outline and see if any of these as a bigger frame for your story, or if you already have it in the story, can you emphasize or expand it:
A. Crucible
The gala –
It’s not a gala, it’s a quarterly stockholder’s meeting. He’s expected to make an announcement about his research… and is being pressured into fudging the data to announce that it works.
B. Betrayal
Jude has to betray Catherine in order to meet with Dres
Catherine needs him, is scared and confused by her dissociative incident and he promises they’ll get to the bottom of it… then accesses the medical records and deletes it.
Raise the stakes: His healthcare coverage disappears with this job. He has to tow the line or she doesn’t get care.
Catherine has a dissociative episode during his speech.
C. Forced Decision
Kill the sniper – the only way to save Dres.
Injects him
Strangles him
Takes a bullet and a hammer and “shoots” him
Hits him with something – a rock, a bat, a cinder block
Knocks him off the building
More painful: Hits him only to discover he’s a hemophiliac. Tries to save him while he bleeds out, but as soon as he gets the coagulant medicine from the guy’s bag, he sees the guy is planning to kill him, then return to killing Dres. Dumps the pills out. Watches him die.
D. Hurt those they love
Keeps Catherine’s cancer diagnosis from her
To keep her from being targeted
To keep her from dropping out of her big career making case
To save his own reputation
Forced by the company to back up his claim
Puts more of his values at risk: he has no secrets from Catherine – this will be his first
E. Emotional Dilemma
Take the job with Marks and betray his values or stay where he is but never get the tech sufficient to manufacture the cure
Should Dres kill Jude once she gets what she wants from him?
F. Exposed
Marks is called before the Leader and his failure is listed in detail. The penance room awaits… unless he can sufficiently explain himself.
G. Must Make Decision with Future Consequences
Jude decides to infiltrate the cabal by working for Marks’s company
2. Looking at your scenes, are there places you can create situations to cause more Empathy/Distress?
Step 1: Check each scene to see if you can build any of these forms of Empathy/Distress into them.
Undeserved misfortune
Catherine has already had an embarrassing episode and is worried…
…she has another just as Jude discovers what is causing this. She’s fragile, so he doesn’t tell her the diagnosis… then decides to cure it himself.
External character conflicts
He does something to incapacitate the sniper… then discovers he’s in a life-and-death situation.
Plot intruding on life
Plans that failed
CEO sees through Dres, is about to call security—when he is shot.
Witnessing the pain of others
Dres and Jude watch people getting killed around them. Jude tries to save someone, but he’s shot and in pain… and Jude can’t get to him.
Extreme consequences
Major loss
Brings their wound present
He’s brought before his board and ordered to lie about the results at the shareholders meeting. He’s reminded of the group that tormented his brother to suicide.
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Eric Humble’s Open Loops and Mysteries
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to create obsession by forcing the audience to wonder about the past and future of this story. These concepts of mystery and open loops are fascinating and have formed a significant portion of my BW framework. Between that and the thriller genre, I found that I already have a large number of mysteries, open loops, and sub-mysteries and -loops built in. In the end, I brainstormed a good amount of these but felt that the outline only warranted two additions otherwise it would have been too crowded with mysteries and open loops and would have muddled the story. But what I have has impacted the story greatly – more than anything I’ve written before, I feel like this pilot has the ability to make us wonder beyond the edges of the story. I’ll definitely be on the lookout for more opportunities for open loops and mysteries as we move forward.
Main Mystery: Jude questions Dres about her blood sample… when someone tries to kill her. Who is trying to kill her and why?
Sub-Mysteries:
Is it because her DNA holds the secret to curing cancer… or is there something else going on?
Why are all the assassins well-off Pharma scientists? What drove them to this?
Who is in the cabal ordering these hits? What is their ultimate goal?
Who’s buried in the grave beneath the bridge? What is its connection to the cabal?
Why is Catherine being followed by the cabal?
Main Open Loop: Can Jude infiltrate the cabal?
Sub-Open Loops:
Will Jude be turned into an assassin like the others?
Will Jude get caught for killing the assassin?
Will Jude get caught by the police or the cabal?
Will Jude’s motive get found out?
Will Jude get Dres’ blood sample to make the cure?
Will they make another attempt on Dres?
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Eric Humble Stacks Intrigue
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to build intrigue in order to strengthen the turning points into some incredible moments in the story. This lesson really blew me away. I’ve always struggled with turning points in general, in part because I always felt they weren’t strong enough, which would then send me into perfection mode and ultimately cause me to lose confidence in the story or my ability to tell it. This technique has really shown me how to make the existing turning points so much more powerful simply by building the intrigue leading up to them, thus causing them to feel more impactful. I’m looking forward to going back to some of my screenplays and using this technique on rewrites, because I really feel this is something that can benefit features as well as television scripts.
Teaser:
Intriguing World: The intruder is wearing a mask.
Intrigue: The intruder opens a freezer and removes two microscope slides smeared with brownish dried blood. Snaps them. Dips them in gasoline, lights them on fire… then tosses them into the trail of gasoline he’s left everywhere.
Conspiracy: Jude calls Dres. You’re right – I wasn’t lucky. I was spared. I’m in.
Turning Point: Jude emerges and gets a call from Dres. Agrees to their plan.
Act 1:
Conspiracy: She tries to get out of it with a fake phone call to her partner, who makes it sound like her calendar is freed-up.
Conspiracy: Afterward, she’s pissed at the partner – but he gets scary with her: she may be doing this to throw it away but it’s a big score for him. If she’s so afraid of stepping out into the public, she picked the wrong line of work.
Hidden Agenda/Strange Behavior: The CEO requests that Dres accompany him to the gala tonight, so they can continue talking. She seems reluctant – scared – and insists they stay in the office to talk. But he’s firm. He has to be there; besides, it’ll be fun–alcohol, hors d’oeuvres. She agrees, but takes a pill for anxiety. Covers that she’s not good at social functions.
Strange Behavior: Disheveled man paces up and down outside the gala, bumps into Dres’s partner as he passes.
Strange Behavior: Everyone’s in a tux except him – he’s in a ruffled but expensive designer suit, unshaven, unkempt hair. He’s nervous as he gets close to the metal detector.
Accusation: Security spots him and removes him… until he produces an invitation.
Turning Point: …when an active shooter takes out an automatic rifle that has been 3D printed, and attacks the gala.
A major disruption to that “reality!” He comes right up to Jude, point-blank… and Jude recognizes him. He seems about to confess something to Jude – when his gun goes off, winging Catherine! Then the cops shoot him right in front of Jude. Unbeknownst to anyone, the target was Dres all along.
Act 2:
Secret Identity: Dres’s partner leads him in the direction of the meeting, but it’s a trap.
Wound: All the cloak-and-dagger stuff triggers Jude, and he stands up to her. He doesn’t like people who move in the shadows.
Strange Behavior: Dres pulls a knife and interrogates him, glancing around. She’s in danger just being here.
Strange Behavior: She gets spooked and walks him in and out of the subway, through an open cellar loading area, up into a restaurant and out an alley in back… all to avoid being seen.
Turning Point/Midpoint: Jude questions Dres… when someone tries to kill her. She was the target of the shooter at the gala, and there are more after her. (J Turning Point) A secret cabal is out to kill Dres, thus ending any hope for a cure. And Jude has killed one of their people to save her!
Act 3:
Intriguing World: The body dissolving in acid is found during a police raid.
Strange Behavior: Detective comes to his lab asking about the initial shooter and Jude’s interaction with him… then inquires about another in Jude’s field. A name he knows, but he’s never met the guy.
Accusation: The detective asks why he killed him. Jude is stunned – the other guy is the one who is dissolved in acid.
Turning Point: A police detective finds a clue that leads directly to Jude – his prints on the barrel, which are on record with the DEA since he works with Pharma drugs – and his aloofness makes him appear guiltier than ever.
Act 4:
Intrigue: He hears a tap on his phone. Sees a glitch on his screen… someone is tracking him.
Intrigue: He talks to the shooter’s widow, who tells him he started acting strange after the promotion. Secretive. Then he had a full-on freak-out one night when his phone started glitching. He went on and on about someone tracking their movements, listening to them.
Wound: The picture that tormented his brother is out on his desk when he gets home. He hasn’t seen it in years. Then, he’s taken to the ground from behind.
Strange Behavior: Jude rides the subway… and breaks the sim card on his phone before going home.
(J Midpoint) Turning Point: The cabal visit him in his home at night – acting like police at first… then assaulting him and warning him off. (J Dilemma) They force him to hand over the blood sample so they can destroy it… or they’ll kill him and Catherine. He gives it to them, insists it’s the only one. (M Major Conflict) Marks doesn’t kill him as ordered.
Act 5:
Intrigue: Guy goes underground, drills through fiber optic cables and cuts them.
Deception: IT tech guy comes to the lab to work on the servers…
Strange Behavior: IT guy seems nerdy and like it’s his first day on the job, and has gas cans in the trunk along with his IT equipment.
Lock In: Marks blows up his lab – and his assistant inside – along with the other sample he claimed didn’t exist.
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Eric Humble’s Layers and Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to create layers and reveals that deepen and intensify the story more than exposition. While I’ve worked with layers and reveals before, this exercise really gave me the tools to tell/explore some of the aspects of the story that up until now were a little sketchy and undefined for me. In particular, the New Information Reveal model really has helped to deliver some parts of the story powerfully which I think might have come across muddled or too overly-complicated if I had used a Deeper Layer.
Teaser:
New information reveal:
A phone bleeping off the hook. Broken glass. Liquid in different colors snake around the broken glass.
It’s a rack of test tubes which has overturned on a desk and shattered on the floor. Computer monitors showing DNA strands and intricate codes. We’re in a hi-tech lab. Among the items on the desk is a cardboard carrier for takeout coffees… and a pistol.
A figure, obscured – blurry – his back to us, is hefting something heavy.
A lab assistant lies dead, eyes wide and bloodshot. Blood and vomit crusting around his mouth. There are others. All the dead faces anguished. Blood still dripping from their slack mouths.
Jude raises his head from the floor. Blood trickles down his temple. He touches it tenderly – a bad-looking welt.
There’s an undrunk cup of coffee on the table above him, with a plastic spill-proof stopper still in the lid.
Jude blinks, focuses… and figure comes into sharper focus. He’s a tall man with a broad frame. And what he’s hefting is a 10-gallon gas can. He sloshes it all over the place. The desks, the monitors. Centrifuges. Erlenmeyer flasks.
Jude weakly rises… sees the gun. Moves for it – but the figure gets there first. Aims it point-blank at Jude’s face. And as he’s facing us, we see that he’s dressed in black – with a MASK.
He nods to the undrunk coffee and asks Jude if he’s sure he doesn’t want to end this quick and easy, like the others? Jude refuses.
The man pistol-whips Jude – a second-time, it would seem – causing another bleeding welt. Jude, stunned, falls back to the ground in time to see the figure light a jet of gas intended to heat test-tubes.
The man ducks out. Jude, semi-conscious, crawls to safety outside. From a hill, he watches the lab explode into flames.
ACT 1:
Jude studies the DNA of ancient remains – and come close to a cure for cancer in a skeleton that appears to have been murdered. (By the cabal.)
New Information Reveal:
The lab is quiet. Jude at first appears to be the only one in there, typing away while rocking out on his earbuds. Then we see a whole staff of ten lab assistants, standing together, tense, watching monitors with bated breath. Jude swivels over to a slab on which a patient (obscured) lays still. He injects a liquid into the person’s arm. The monitors go haywire – data flashing, scrolling, rapid calculations being made. The staff disperses urgently to their workstations, calling out gobbeldegook about compounds and elements… but there’s a problem. The radioactive substance he injected is too corrosive, it’s damaging the tissue. Jude appears unphased, bops and dances to his music – and calms them by pointing to his own screen, which is calm compared to theirs. It has a model of DNA helix… and beside it, a macro-closeup of scary-looking disease cell… cancer. The calculations on this screen are minimal… and start decelerating the cancerous cell, shrinking it… when… the patient’s arm CRUMBLES. Jude’s screen declares failure. Jude pulls out his earbuds, tosses them on the table in anger. He whips up the sheet on the patient – it’s a dusty, ancient skeleton, flesh half-preserved and petrified on the bones. He demands of the computer where they went wrong – was it the radioactive tracer? No, it was the sample… it contained trace amounts of the cure he sought, but not enough. One of the assistants assures him he’s close. Jude doesn’t listen to him, storms out.
Marks wants to bring Jude on… but really he’s trying to get his system so they can track Dres and the immortals.
Surface cover up presented as reality:
Marks has a car pick up Jude unexpectedly—and take him to an idyllic rooftop garden: this could all be yours. Wants him to join the team—name your price. Jude doesn’t agree with the aggressively for-profit philosophy.
A major disruption to that “reality!” The cabal leader hints that his failure must be met with punishment, implying assassination… sends him to the “penance room,” where failures never return.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. Asks the leader to accompany him – in fact, to go first. Then pitches the room that he didn’t fail at all… Jude holds a system by which they can track the bloodlines using DNA tech. He let him live because he’s bringing that system in, to them. Collateral damage was that he couldn’t strategically kill Dres while she was with him. But his men are already arranging the next hit opportunity.
ACT 2:
The active shooter appears to be a deranged man… but turns out to be a pharmaceutical tech who recently got a grant for research into cancer drugs for his start-up. He was being forced to do this under threat of his family being killed.
Surface cover up presented as reality: Active shooter seems disheveled – ill-fiiting suit, unshaven, muttering to himself as he lingers outside, is spotted by security who hustle him away… until he shows them an invite. Nervous to go through a metal detector… although he passes through. Then takes out an automatic rifle that has been 3D printed.
A major disruption to that “reality!” He comes right up to Jude, point-blank… and Jude recognizes him. He seems about to confess something to Jude – when his gun goes off, winging Catherine! Then the cops shoot him right in front of Jude.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. Catherine asks who the shooter was. Jude tells her he was the chief engineer of the antiseptic they just treated her wound with. He wasn’t having hard times—in fact, he just signed a seven figure contract with Marks’s company.
Dres appears to be an influential exec… but her company is nonexistent and she took millions from the real exec. She’s a con artist, and is untraceable.
Surface cover up presented as reality. Dres appears to be an influential exec…She’s regaling her mark with how they can use the same model as the opioid crisis with a new drug for treating depression… gets CEO’s attention, and has him hooked.
A major disruption to that “reality!” She confers with her partner outside… she’s copied the exec’s phone—they have access to the escrow account. Time to reel him in.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. She makes her pitch, and allows him to outmaneuver her in negotiations—for an investment and a position as lead on the team, she’d be willing to sell them the formula on a proprietary basis. No licensing, it would just be theirs. His eyes light up.
Later, Jude tries to find out who she was—and the guy flies off the handle, wants him to keep silent about her. Then starts at the phone ringing. Warns Jude off—she’s not who she says she is. Then tells him he’d have better look warning another exec whom he saw her with earlier that night.
Jude catches Dres working a hustle on someone and puts a stop to it… only to find out this was her way of getting to talk to him alone. She warns him he’s in grave danger and gets him out.
Surface cover up presented as reality: Goes to the CEO’s company to inquire about her… learns from a passing employee that he saw her, overheard her to talking to Jack and making plans for lunch at the bistro on 51st and 8th.
A major disruption to that “reality!” The one she’s talking with is the same “employee” who told her about the meet. Jude recognizes him from earlier.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. She pulls a knife on him and forces him to answer why they didn’t kill him. He’s either one of them… or someone she can use.
ACT 3:
Dres’s mother was killed by the same cabal.
New Information Reveal:
She has a mission for him – in exchange for disposing of the body. Go to a spot under the bridge and lay a rose at a certain spot.
He goes there, but is followed.
It’s an unmarked grave.
There’s a mask in the dirt.
Once he’s isolated, the man following him fixes on a mask, too.
Someone is watching him through a rifle site.
A drug dealer comes up to him. He says the words she tells him, passes the guy a fifty, and gets a bag of pills… painkillers which are manufactured by Marks’s company. The cover of buying drugs causes the watchers to back down.
He looks up the corner in the news – the only instance of a crime occurred seventy years ago. So whoever’s buried there, the crime must not have been reported… so he assumes.
His brother committed suicide when a masked group tormented him.
New Information Reveal:
His brother in a dorm, depressed.
His brother has leukemia, needs meds.
People are mocking his illness – with disturbing pictures.
He sets up surveillance, watches the building all night… no one. But still another disturbing picture shows up in his room.
Asks brother if he’s doing this himself, causes a rift.
Sees someone in a mask watching brother. While he’s getting chemo, Jude follows him… is led into a field where he’s surrounded by the masked people. They beat him and hog tie him. He’s left all night. When he’s found and untied, he returns to campus to discover his brother hanger himself in the quad.
No trace of the masked group ever again.
Marks is a member of the cabal… and is not in good standing with them.
Surface cover up presented as reality: Powerful CEO, makes the markets move with a single decision. Constantly making decisions that affect millions. Looks over the city like a king.
A major disruption to that “reality!” He’s summoned during a board meeting – and cuts the meeting short.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. He puts on a mask and descends into the secret temple where the cabal meets – and is screamed at and humiliated by the Leader.
ACT 4:
The people after Dres are powerful and dangerous – and have the ability to commit brazen murders and cover them up completely.
Surface cover up presented as reality: He goes to his CEO friend who is tight with Attorney General. Wants help clearing his name and negotiating his cooperation. CEO throws his weight behind it and gives him full access to their legal team.
A major disruption to that “reality!” While he’s waiting, he sees through the window – the CEO plummets 60 stories to his death.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way. Police detectives says it was a heart attack. Jude protests – he saw what happened. Demands to see the body. Detective nods to CEO’s widow – it’s in her possession. She tells him she found CEO in bed dead of a heart attack. He protests again that they need to bring these people to justice… then notices the widow’s hand is shaking. She grips his hand tightly and insists it was a heart attack. Everyone finally rests and disperses when Jude comments that CEO’s heart was always weak these last few years.
ACT 5:
Catherine seems to be having delusions/hallucinations based on the historical novels she’s reading triggered by her brain cancer… but really she’s an immortal and these are memories.
Surface cover up presented as reality: Delusional… has an episode in an embarrassing place.
A major disruption to that “reality!” She claims it must have something to do with the historical novels she’s been reading… but the neurologist finds it strange. He’s also read those, and the things she was talking about predate the time period in the book.
Which gives us the reveal in a dramatic way: Eventually, by the end of the season, we learn Catherine is immortal.
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Eric Humble’s Character Story Lines
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to layer the A, B, and C storylines so that they each feel complete. This is still very rough, and I’m not sure how much of each storyline I’ll end up including – but I was really blown away by how complete the outline feels, just because the storylines aren’t left dangling. It was a really interesting way to work the structure of the characters into the five-act structure. At first, I wasn’t sure that it would feel smooth; some of my characters’ storylines felt like they’d be too heavily-favored in one act rather than spread out across the whole five. But looking at it now, it feels pretty balanced and focused. I’m excited to see what we’ll do next to flesh it out further, but this is a pretty satisfying first step.
Jude
Character Arc:
START: Searching for a cure for cancer
END: Target of a cabal… which he has to infiltrate if he’s to secure the cure
Beginning: Gets an award for his research. Comfortable life, loving marriage. Corporate shill with an honorable line of work – curing cancer via DNA of ancient remains… and he’s close to the cure. Then, his wife contracts imoperable cancer… so he needs to find the cure, which he does!
Turning Point: A secret cabal is out to kill Dres, thus ending any hope for a cure. And Jude has killed one of their people to save her!
Midpoint: These people can kill a powerful exec with ties to the Justice Department. They are bigger than federal law enforcement and more powerful than the ultra-rich…
Dilemma: They’re in Jude’s house, forcing him to hand over the blood sample so they can destroy it… or they’ll kill him and Catherine.
Turning Point 2: Jude and Dres plot to unmask cabal members… by Jude infiltrating them.
Major Conflict: He has to get to his lab to synthesize the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had.
Ending: The cabal blows up the lab with his team inside. He’s jobless and without the sample.
Marks
Character Arc:
START: CEO who shifts markets and crushes his enemies.
END: Edged out and possibly targeted for assassination by his own mentor… lowest on the totem pole.
Beginning: Makes a spur of the moment decision at a board meeting regarding insulin prices… and markets go haywire. He’s successful and ruthless, but his daughter is dying of MS, and for all his power in the world of medicine, he’s tormented that he can’t save her.
Turning Point: The active shooter scenario fails to kill Dres. He has to answer for his failure to the cabal leader. He smoothes it over by pitching them Jude – if he can bring him into his company, the cabal will have his DNA analysis system to track their targets. He’s given a second chance.
Midpoint: Second failure, which also has Jude kill one of his men…necessitating his demise as well… or Marks will be tortured and killed for his failure.
Turning Point 2: Discovers his mentor is harboring a secret trove of information beyond cancer… but with his standing, he’s forbidden to ever see it
Dilemma: Betray his mentor to cure his daughter.
Major Conflict: He confronts Jude at his home and destroys the blood sample. But he doesn’t kill him as ordered. Instead, he destroys his lab and forces him to take the job with his corporation.
Ending: He’s making moves against his leader, inviting Jude inside… even as the walls close in on him.
Dres
Character Arc:
START: Ghost
END: Surfacing at her own risk to get her revenge
Beginning: At the gala, schmoozing a CEO. But she’s actually working a con, and after the shooting brings attention to her, she stings him for $1 million dollars and ghosts him. Then she donates the entire sum to charity and continues living homeless.
Turning Point: Jude is searching for her… not knowing that he is being followed and is starting to draw attention to her.
Midpoint: Jude saves her life, and knows her secret.
Turning Point 2: The cabal doesn’t kill Jude – which means he’s valuable to them. He may at long last be her in with the higher-ups.
Dilemma: Disappear and this is done and she’s safe… or trust him and get her revenge. But she’ll have to kill him when it’s all over.
Major Conflict: She has to coach him in how to con them when they approach him.
Ending: She remains in her place instead of moving on… but she’s paranoid and at extreme risk.
First version of outline:
Teaser:
Essence: Jude is being followed everywhere by persons unknown.
Turning Point: He ducks into an alley and waits with a gun… only for the entire street to freeze and a masked man tells him he’s failed the test. And the penalty for failure is death.
Act 1:
Essence: (J Beginning) Jude lives a comfortable life in the Big Pharma world. Loving marriage to Catherine with no secrets between them.
(M Beginning) Marks makes a spur of the moment decision at a board meeting regarding insulin prices… and markets go haywire. He’s successful and ruthless, but his daughter is dying of MS, and for all his power in the world of medicine, he’s tormented that he can’t save her.
Jude receives an award for his proprietary DNA research, which is bringing him close to a cure for cancer…
(D Beginning) At the gala, schmoozing a CEO…
Turning Point: …when an active shooter attacks the gala.
Act 2:
Essence: Catherine just has a harmless flesh wound… but in treating her, Jude turns up that she also has inoperable cancer. He pushes his research to find the cure… and discovers it, in an inadvertent blood sample from someone at the gala – Dres. But who she is and why she was there is a total mystery.
(M Turning Point) The active shooter scenario has failed to kill “the target.” Marks has to answer for his failure to the cabal leader. He smoothes it over by pitching them Jude – if he can bring him into his company, the cabal will have his DNA analysis system to track their targets. He’s given a second chance.
(D Beginning) Dres was actually working a con on the CEO at the gala, and after the shooting brings attention to her, she stings him for $1 million dollars and ghosts him. Then she donates the entire sum to charity and prepares to move on, continuing to live homeless.
(D Turning Point) Jude is searching for her… not knowing that he is being followed and is starting to draw attention to her.
Turning Point/Midpoint: Jude questions Dres… when someone tries to kill her. She was the target of the shooter at the gala, and there are more after her. (J Turning Point) A secret cabal is out to kill Dres, thus ending any hope for a cure. And Jude has killed one of their people to save her!
Act 3:
Essence: (D Midpoint) Jude has saved her life, and knows her secret. So she helps him dispose of the body, after which she ducks out on him.
(M Midpoint) Second failure, which necessitates Marks kill Jude as well… or Marks will be tortured and killed for his failure.
(M Turning Point 2) Marks discovers his mentor is harboring a secret trove of information beyond cancer… but with his standing, he’s forbidden to ever see it.
(M Dilemma) Betray his mentor to cure his daughter.
Turning Point: A police detective finds a clue that leads directly to Jude… and his aloofness makes him appear guiltier than ever.
Act 4:
Essence: Jude appeals to a powerful person inside the Big Pharma industry who has ties to the Justice Department for help handling the police.
Turning Point: It’s a set-up. The cabal visit him in his home at night – acting like police at first… then assaulting him and warning him off. (J Dilemma) They force him to hand over the blood sample so they can destroy it… or they’ll kill him and Catherine. He gives it to them, insists it’s the only one. (M Major Conflict) Marks doesn’t kill him as ordered.
(J Midpoint) As they leave, he discovers they’ve killed his powerful friend – they are bigger than federal law enforcement and more powerful than the ultra-rich… Their appearance triggers memories of the masked gang that drove his brother to suicide in his youth.
Act 5:
Essence: Jude realizes the only way to keep Dres safe and manufacture the cure is to get inside this secret society.
(D Turning Point 2) Dres considers what happened… The cabal didn’t kill Jude – which means he’s valuable to them. He may at long last be her in with the higher-ups. (D Dilemma) Disappear and this is done and she’s safe… or trust him and get her revenge. But she’ll have to kill him when it’s all over.
(J Turning Point 2) Jude and Dres plot to unmask cabal members… by Jude infiltrating them. (D Major Conflict) She coaches him in how to con them when they approach him.
(J Major Conflict) He has to get to his lab to synthesize the cure with the blood sample he didn’t tell them he had.
Lock In: Marks blows up his lab – and his assistant inside – along with the other sample he claimed didn’t exist.
(J Ending) He’s jobless and without the sample… and his only option is to work for Marks’s corporation.
(M Ending) Marks is making moves against his leader, inviting Jude inside… even as the walls close in on him.
(D Ending) She remains in her place instead of moving on… but she’s paranoid and at extreme risk.
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Eric Humble’s Pilot Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is: The most valuable part of this lesson for me was the guidance in creating and then elevating turning points. This is something I’ve struggled with in writing features. I’ve never considered just how important (and frequent) they are in television. The guidance and prompts on how to generate turning points and then how to use our BW framework to elevate them really made this structure come alive and leap to a higher level of quality.
Teaser:
Essence: Jude receives an award for his proprietary DNA research, which is bringing him close to a cure for cancer…
Turning Point: …when an active shooter attacks the gala.
Act 1:
Essence: Jude helps EMTs attend to the wounded.
Turning Point: His wife, Catherine, just has a harmless flesh wound… but in treating her, Jude turns up that she also has inoperable cancer.
Act 2:
Essence: Jude discovers the cure for cancer in a blood sample from someone at the gala – Dres. But who she is and why she was there is a total mystery.
Turning Point/Midpoint: Jude questions Dres about her blood sample… when someone tries to kill her. She was the target of the shooter at the gala, and there are more after her. But Jude ends up killing the assassin instead!
Act 3:
Essence: Jude and Dres dispose of the body, after which she ducks out on him.
Turning Point: A police detective finds a clue that leads directly to him… and his aloofness makes him appear guiltier than ever.
Act 4:
Essence: He appeals to a powerful person inside the Big Pharma industry for help handling the police.
Turning Point: It’s a set-up. The cabal visit him in his home at night – acting like police at first… then assaulting him and warning him off. They want the blood sample. He gives it to them, insists it’s the only one. As they leave, he discovers they’ve killed his powerful friend – that’s what will happen to anyone else he involves, too. Their appearance triggers memories of the masked gang that drove his brother to suicide in his youth.
Act 5:
Essence: Jude realizes the only way to keep Dres safe and manufacture the cure is to get inside this secret society.
Lock In: They blow up his lab – and his assistant inside – along with the other sample he claimed didn’t exist.
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Eric Humble’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is: It was a real breakthrough for me to see the inciting incident of the season/series as the midpoint of the pilot episode. Up until this lesson, I found structure for pilot episodes very mysterious. That one key started to give me some idea on how to write for television. I also had some breakthroughs with the idea of getting the character and the audience “locked in” to ensure we keep watching. This was a very insightful lesson. I’m excited to see how we’re going to stack the other aspects/techniques of the model on top of this.
1. What is the “Inciting Incident” of your series that this pilot needs to deliver powerfully?
An omnipotent cabal is out to kill Dres, who is Jude’s only hope of curing his wife’s cancer. He needs to find out who they are and stop them in order to keep Dres safe.
2. Give us the main beats of that Inciting Incident:
Intriguing Concept: A medical researcher protects a woman whose DNA can cure cancer from a cabal of Big Pharma execs who want to keep the business of disease profitable.
Act 1:
What status quo will contrast the Midpoint and present the character and their world in an interesting way?
The city is safe. Jude is friendly with everyone around him.
Jude doesn’t venture into the “bad section” of the city.
Jude stays in his lab, lets security handle a potentially violent person trying to get in to protest the unfair prices of medicine.
Midpoint:
What is the big mystery or conflict my show is about and how do we present it in a surprising or shocking way?
A cabal with an army of assassins is trying to kill Dres.
Jude goes to confront Dres about her blood sample when he spots a sniper taking aim. He tries to stop the sniper, only to notice–too late–that everyone on the street seems to be in on the hit… and are now converging on him! But Dres saves him! She’s actually aware of them all and was trying to distract and evade them. Jude struggles with the sniper, but accidentally kills the guy in the process! The others disperse.
Lock In:
What will lock them into the change and guarantee they can’t return to their previous life?
Dres helps dispose of the body, but doesn’t help with the trail of evidence he laid out on the way there.
A police detective is looking into the hit, and has a clue that points directly to him.
He’s paranoid people are following him and converging down a street where he’s isolated.
The cabal visit him in his home at night – acting like police at first… then assaulting him and warning him off. They want the blood sample. He gives it to them, insists it’s the only one.
They blow up his lab – and his assistant inside – along with the other sample he claimed didn’t exist.
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Eric Humble’s Big Picture Components
What I learned doing this assignment is: It was refreshing to return to the BW Framework to pull most of this info. While some of it came from the refined pitch bible, I found that I had forgotten some of these important components simply because they don’t show up in the pitch bible. Working with big picture elements that will show up in the details of the pilot has gotten me excited to move to the next phase.
1. Give us the basic Series Info:
SERIES INFO:
World: The Big Business of healthcare… and its secret society of Pharma execs intent on controlling disease to shape human history.
Main mystery: Who is trying to kill Dres and why?
Impossible Goal: How can they infiltrate a murderous cabal of the most powerful people in the world without getting caught?
Main Conflict: If they kill Dres, his wife dies. If he keeps poking around, they’ll kill him!
Second Mystery: Catherine’s history
Season 1 Arc: From comfortable, detached scientist to spy
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: From defender of the system to appalled at the pharma/healthcare complex
2. Tell us the basic Pilot Info:
PILOT INFO:
Pilot Conflict: An assassin tries to kill Dres, but Jude and Dres kill him instead… and are now marked as targets by the assassin’s employers.
Characters Introduced: Jude , Marks, Catherine , Dres; Cabal Leader, Head of Cabal’s European Sector, Catherine’s oncologist,
Inciting Incident of Season 1: Jude questions Dres about her blood sample… when someone tries to kill her. Jude ends up killing him instead!
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What I learned doing this lesson is: in approaching the pitch bible from a visual/design perspective, I discovered a lot of places to cut down the text even further. It was really interesting to think of the document purely in terms of layout and that opened my eyes to how much more white space I needed, and how succinct the language needed to be to come across immediately and effectively. I’m still tweaking the visuals because my software is a bit wonky, but just in terms of how the images affect the document, this was really eye-opening. It was a fun exercise!
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Eric Humble’s Edited TV Pitch Bible
What I learned doing this assignment is: how making the pitch bible terse and tight and including only the interesting/intriguing elements from the framework makes the pitch really come across persuasively. I’m not completely done editing the pitch bible, and even the parts I’ve worked on can definitely be tightened further, but I’m please with what I’ve got so far… it exceeds what I thought I could do with a pitch bible when I started this course, and I’m excited to continue whittling it down until it’s as strong as it can be. Doing this lesson has also given me some valuable breakthroughs at the process which I hope to apply to my second concept as I get the chance going forward.
Concept 1 Title:
One Hour Thriller
Concept:
A cancer researcher uncovers a conspiracy to eradicate a race of immortals whose DNA can cure cancer, changing from company man to warrior as he infiltrates a centuries-old cabal.
World:
The Big Business of healthcare… and its secret society of Pharma execs intent on controlling disease to shape human history.
Show Summary:
Life is good for Jude. He’s a celebrated cancer researcher who studies ancient remains for possible cures. He lives a comfortable life and is in a loving marriage with Catherine. Until she’s diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Obsessed with solving the unsolvable, Jude pushes his research to the limit… and there it is, in the DNA of a single drop of blood… the cure for cancer! If only it came from fossilized remains, he’d have enough to synthesize medicine. But the DNA belongs to Dres, a homeless con artist who roams the city’s most dangerous streets…
…but none as dangerous as the army of assassins hunting her.
He locates her just in time to thwart an attempt on her life. But he kills the sniper in the process, and leaves a trail of evidence any rookie cop could follow. Dres is only grateful enough to help dispose of the body. Then she’s gone, unfindable, and with her goes any hope of synthesizing the cure.
But in testing the dead sniper’s DNA, he finds a connection to a Big Pharma corporation. It’s a financial juggernaut, reaping billions per year from cancer treatments. But it also masks an ancient cabal dedicated to eradicating a race of immortals who have curative powers. Immortals like Dres. To keep her safe, he’ll have to infiltrate the Order of Aesculapius and learn their secrets.
They’ve toppled empires. Do Jude and Dres stand a chance?
Character Descriptions
Jude
You’d think a man who studies the DNA of ancient remains would be dull. But Jude can charm his way in and out of anywhere. He’s cultured, materialistic, brilliant… and is just a few years away from completing his life’s work, curing cancer. Unfortunately, his wife Catherine doesn’t have that long.
The cure is closer than he thinks. But getting it will take him into two worlds where all his brilliance can’t help him – Dres’s world among the dregs of society, and the Order of Aesculapius. Hers threatens his life. Theirs requires him to destroy his research… including the cure.
Back in Central Park West, Dres is someone he would have stepped over to hail a cab. Now he’s bound to protect her with his life… even if she’s the one who ends up killing him. His picture-perfect marriage to Catherine is now riven by secrets. And he and Marks have everything in common – ambition, highbrow taste, the pain of slowly losing a loved one. If only Marks wasn’t out to destroy him.
Charm won’t be enough. He’ll have to learn to fight, like the long line of warriors throughout history who have stood against the Order of Aesculapius… and failed.
Dres
Who doesn’t enjoy conning a cool million or two out of a greedy corporate exec? To Dres, the thrill is starting to wear off. She might as well burn the money, because there’s no place for it in the crackhouses and alleyways she chooses to call home.
Dres knows something in her blood is special. Maybe because she’s 100 years old but looks 27. Or maybe because she’s had a target on her back since the 1920s. She is an immortal, blessed (or cursed?) to live forever under natural conditions… or die just like her mother from a Order of Aesculapius assassin’s bullet.
To stay off-grid, she sometimes lives like an animal. But she’ll be goddamned if she’ll live like a hunted animal, as her ancestors have for millennia. Fueled by vengeance, she’s been plotting for decades to get inside the Order of Aesculapius and murder them all. So far, she’s only managed to kill a few dozen foot soldiers. Now, at last, Jude may be her ticket inside.
But the longer she lives, the more distantly she views humans, like mere blips on a timeline. She doesn’t trust any of them… especially Jude. The temptation to con him or just kill him at the end of their gambit may be too great… unless she can remember the humanity she had in her youth.
Marks
With a single text, Marks can send the global markets into freefall. Such is the power of the Monolithic Pharmaceuticals CEO… in public. But behind closed doors, he’s in serious trouble.
As a member of the Order of Aesculapius, his job was to kill Dres. The Order of Aesculapius Leader, his mentor and father-figure, assures him his failure to do so is forgiven. But he said that to the last guy and then had him tortured and killed.
A rival in the Order is gunning for his seat at the table. If anyone in the business world tried that, Marks would have them ruined. But here, his hands are tied. At home, his daughter suffers from MS. All his billions can’t stave off the inevitable. But what if the immortals can cure more than cancer? If only he could access the forbidden archives, he’d know. But that’s a privilege only allowed to the Order of Aesculapius Leader.
His best chance at finding Dres and making things right is Jude’s DNA tracking process. He courts Jude to work for the company. Needing a win, he also seduces a Big Tech CEO – who is actually Dres, conning him to get into his organization. His paranoia might be clouding his judgment…
Except he’s letting these two wolves into the henhouse for a specific purpose… to stage a mutiny and take over the Order of Aesculapius once and for all.
Catherine
Sometimes, the diagnosis packs as big a punch as the cancer itself.
Yesterday, Catherine was a crusading lawyer taking on Big Pharma. She had a perfect marriage to Jude with only one secret between them. Today, she’s staring down a six-month death sentence. And that secret is about to burst into the open…
She’s an immortal, the oldest on record – 200 years old. At this age, she should be viewing humans as fleeting specs not to be bothered with. But her love for Jude has kept her anchored to her humanity. And now that’s being threatened by Dres, an old friend from the early 20th century. But her secrets don’t end here.
Catherine used to be the Order of Aesculapius’s head assassin. She’s killed more of her own kind than the killers she trained. And none haunts her more than Dres’s mother. As an immortal, she isn’t supposed to get sick, so why is she dying? Even if she had the answer, the only one who can cure her wants nothing but to put a bullet in her head.
Season One
Episode 1: A Single Drop of Blood
Turning down the job at Marks’ Monolithic Pharmaceuticals should have been the hardest part of Jude’s day. Then he accidentally intercepts his wife Catherine’s medical chart. Diagnosis: inoperable cancer. He decides to keep it from her. If he can just figure out a cure in time… And he does! In a blood sample donated by a woman named Dres.
He tracks her down, only to notice a sniper lining her up in his sites. He gives chase, but kills the man in the struggle. Dres shrugs off the hit attempt. She’s more concerned about the trail of evidence Jude left in his wake. She vanishes into the city. Now Jude is being shadowed everywhere he goes… or maybe he’s just being paranoid. Except his lab has been destroyed in an “accident” that killed his assistant.
Somewhere in a dark chamber, Marks promises an assembly of masked people that Jude’s DNA research system will be theirs… then they’ll have no trouble finding the girl.
Episode 2: Find the Girl
It’s not that Dres doesn’t have ID. It’s that she has thousands of them. Dres is not only homeless but a con woman. She’s stolen millions over the years. So why does she call crackhouses and abandoned buildings home? If Jude searches for her, he’ll stick out as a target… and not just by the thieves and lowlifes.
But he’s tested a DNA sample of the assassin he killed… it belongs to a 90-year-old! A former Monolithic tech supposedly on retirement in a remote cabin. The place should have some sort of lead, but all Jude finds is a strange symbol… which activates an explosive that destroys the cabin! The symbol is known on the dark web. But can all the fringe theories of a powerful, omniscient cabal possibly be true?
Elsewhere, Catherine begins to wonder why she’s feeling so sick… as a masked man surveilles her through the crosshairs of a rifle scope.
Episode 3: You Owe Us, We Own You
Jude can feel them watching him. So how can he use them? They’re looking for Dres, so if he infiltrates them, they’ll lead him to her. The dead sniper had a connection to Monolithic Pharmaceuticals, so Jude takes Marks up on his offer. But why does Marks remind him of the group of masked kids who bullied his brother to suicide years ago?
This company can’t have anything to do with that mystery he was never able to solve. The dead man’s DNA should be able to unlock the company’s secure files, but all Jude is confronted with is a security question about a Greek god… and the company’s cybersecurity police.
Then Marks receives an unexpected visit from Catherine. She’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her find out why she’s sick. They’ve never met, so why is she here?. And why does Marks instinctively arm himself with a letter opener before letting her in?
Episode 4: All It’ll Cost You
Jude provokes the Order of Aesculapius by casually referencing the arcane symbol in an address at a conference. He is later contacted anonymously – with a request/threat to prove his intentions. He arrives at the meet in a park after dark… where the drive containing all his research is waiting in a package. He’s instructed to destroy it. He must submit himself to the Order of Aesculapius in order to know what they know… so he does as ordered… only to receive no response from the darkness.
He scuttles his research, and his reputation takes a huge hit as the conference closes…only for the Order of Aesculapius to nearly crash his plane on the way home as a warning. Stop looking for them and the girl and he’ll be allowed to continue working and maybe someday regain his stature.
He comes home to a message from Dres – as thanks for saving her, she gives him the answer to the security question he failed at the company’s computer system.
Catherine kills a bunch of assassins – criticizing their tactics. She wrote the book they use to train one another. She is a former Order of Aesculapius assassin.
Episode 5: The Intimidation Game
Jude tries to access the Monolithic Pharmaceuticals computer system again and gets past the security question – but before he can get any intel, Marks catches him. But before building security can get to him, the Order of Aesculapius assassins swarm in and drag Jude, bound and blindfolded, to a meeting – where the wizened, sinister Order of Aesculapius Leader interrogates him on why he’s trying to access their group.
As Jude looks around their masked faces, he’s triggered – because they’re just like a faceless masked group that drove his brother to suicide in his youth… whom he was never able to unmask. At the Order of Aesculapius Leader’s order, he’s marched to an empty field, a gun is placed against his head… when the assassins are knocked unconscious. By Dres! She smuggles him to safety.
Episode 6: Ghosting
Dres helps Jude get off-grid. Teaches him her mastery of deceit how to survive from people like this. But he still needs her cooperation to test her blood. After getting him set up with falsified documents, she disappears on him again. He secures passage out of the country…
…but returns home to find Catherine unconscious and needing the hospital. He refuses to accept that she has cancer, and hides from her that this is the diagnosis. Then, as he’s dozing in the hospital, a message on his phone from the Order of Aesculapius: a car is waiting for him outside. This is his only chance – “if you get in the car right now, you’re in.” He does so…
Dres is conning Jude… and keeping open the possibility of killing him when she’s done.
Episode 7: Initiation
Jude will be let into the Order of Aesculapius… if he passes the initiation rite. But the esoteric ceremony is interrupted by an FBI raid! Jude is hauled into a crime scene: Dres’s body is lying on the floor of a seedy bar, shot dead. They know she got him false papers and he was the last to see her alive. Unless he rats on the Order of Aesculapius, he’ll take the rap for her murder. Jude is devastated – he must have led the Order of Aesculapius to her. It’s his fault she died. Still, he chooses to keep silent about the Order of Aesculapius. He’s thrown in jail to await his trial…
…when it’s revealed that it was all fake—a test, which he passed. He’s now a member of the Order of Aesculapius.
Catherine and Dres meet at the museum–they know each other… reminisce about Italy… and we see they’re both depicted in the hundred-year-old painting. Catherine and Dres’s mother, with infant Dres in a carriage. Catherine is an immortal, too! How could they be in a 100-year-old painting?
Episode 8: Old Bones
The Order of Aesculapius tracks Dres down and assassinates her for real! Except it isn’t her, it’s her con artist partner. Dres finds the body, is spooked enough to return to Jude. Wants to combine forces to take the Order of Aesculapius down. In return, she’ll let him test her blood and finish developing the cure. But Jude can’t work in the company’s lab until or unless his job is reinstated. He guides Dres to con Marks in order to access the lab. It’s a long game, but once she gets in, he’s got all his research in his head and can walk her through synthesizing the cure for Catherine.
Meanwhile, he’s given his first assignment by the Order of Aesculapius—use his expertise to test the DNA on two ancient, fossilized bodies… and use their database to trace the genetic lines and find their ancestors living in the world now. His results are baffling – there have only been three generations between these ancient ones and today. When he locates the present day descendent of one, he tries to warn the guy… but the Order of Aesculapius has already gotten there. They kill the man, only for the body to release a gas that gets the Order of Aesculapius assassins sick. They throw the whole scene under quarantine and rush Jude out. In the chaos of the moment, he finds a photo of Dres that’s almost 100 years old.
Episode 9: No One Lives Forever
Jude has to locate the descendent of the second ancient body… as the Order of Aesculapius Leader reveals to him the existence of immortals who have walked among humans since the beginning of time. Jude has his eyes opened to a world beyond science. But the Order of Aesculapius Leader won’t reveal to him their mission or the reason they’re hunting these immortals, not until he succeeds in his first assignment.
Meanwhile, he uses the assignment to acquire some lightly irradiated materials, part of his plan with Dres to slip them into the Order of Aesculapius’s water at their next meeting so Jude and Dres can bring in the authorities and identify them… but Marks doesn’t trust him as much as the Order of Aesculapius Leader does, and has his eyes on him. But Jude’s research is hitting close to home as he zeroes in on the target’s history and whereabouts… because the ancient corpse’s ancestor, two hundred years old, is his wife, Catherine.
Catherine killed Dres’s mother!
Episode 10: Radiation Treatment
Jude discovers the Order of Aesculapius’s secret: they’ve known about the immortals curing cancer for 100 years – and have been systematically exterminating them to keep the business of cancer in the red. He allows Marks to indoctrinate him in order to plant the radioactive materials in the water supply… but Marks dangles an impossible choice before him: work for us and if we’re satisfied, we’ll give you the cure for Catherine. Step out of line, and both of you die. He finds himself conflicted – and tempted by the wealth Marks offers him. Does he follow through for Dres or remain the “company man” he always was–just for a more sinister “company?”
Jude chooses to slip the tracker to the Order of Aesculapius members before the meeting, but must do so without being caught… all the while talking Dres through synthesizing the cure back at the Monolithic Pharmaceuticals lab. He’s about to slip them the tracker… when Marks stages a mutiny and takes over. And reveals that Jude’s tracking plan won’t work – the Order of Aesculapius is global. This is just the local US Chapter. And Jude is at their mercy.
Five Seasons Descriptions
Season 1: Hyperplasia
Yesterday, he was an esteemed cancer research specialist. Today, he’s a target… and the ones chasing him are everywhere. Jude enjoys a comfortable life reaping the benefits of “the cancer business”… until his wife Catherine contracts inoperable cancer. But Jude discovers a cure in a blood sample from Dres, a homeless con artist. Only problem: someone’s trying to kill her.
If it were just an assassin, they might stand a chance. But it’s a secret cabal at the highest echelons of the healthcare industry. If he can infiltrate it, he’ll find out why they’re being targeted. But that will pit him against Marks, a dangerous, powerful CEO. They’re hunting immortals, including Dres. But Catherine is also an immortal, and the cabal’s former top assassin.
Season 2: Dysplasia
Finally, the inner circle, where all secrets will be revealed. But Marks is onto him… and he has a trump card. He has Catherine in captivity. He sentences them to the same hell: Catherine is to train Jude in the brutal assassins’ program. As Jude undergoes the inhumane regimen, he inches closer to learning Catherine’s secret… she’s the one who killed Dres’s mother.
But he’s also becoming indoctrinated to the Order of Aesculapius’s purpose: whoever controls sickness and cures controls history. Finally, he’s ready to be released into the field… as the Order’s best-trained assassin. It turns out there are more immortals across the globe that need to be killed… because they only cure diseases for 200 years. After that, they become plague carriers. And this is what’s behind Catherine’s illness. She’s a danger to humanity if she stays alive much longer.
Season 3: Metastasis
It’s a secret war, in backalleys and abandoned buildings across Europe and Asia. Jude is now the top assassin in the field, totally loyal to the Order… or so it appears. Catherine is getting sicker with something far worse than cancer. She’s carrying a virus that will explode into an unstoppable pandemic unless Jude can cure her… or at least contain her. To do that, he’ll need Dres’s help. But Dres has finally learned that Catherine is the one who killed her mother, and she wants revenge.
Jude tries to hold her off by swearing to unmask the head of the global cabal, the one pulling all the strings… who turns out to be Dres’s mother! Still alive, she’s been using the Order of Aesculapius for her ultimate plan: unleashing a pandemic which will kill humans while leaving immortals untouched. And Catherine is already contagious.
Season 4: Malignant
Live long enough and mortal lives become mere blips on a timeline. Dres’s mother has a simple plan: kill humanity. Dres reasons with her, as daughter-to-mother. But Jude is worried she’s too powerful and well-protected to kill should it come to that.
To take on a murderous cabal, he’ll need a cabal of his own. He assembles a ragtag group of mortals and immortals, with Marks as his surprising ally. They establish a base on Antarctica to keep Catherine – and the virus – contained. They might be enough to stand against Dres’s mother… except they’re succumbing to the virus one by one.
Season 5: Invasive
It’s war at the icy bottom of the world – will the immortals destroy humanity or vice versa? Jude’s group is waylaid as the disease takes hold, with only Dres and a few immortal allies unaffected. Luckily, he’s still a brilliant medical researcher and he discovers a cure. The bad news? He needs Dres’s mother’s DNA. Dres could be ideal for the mission. Except to get the DNA, she’ll have to kill her own mother, whose “death” she has been grieving for decades.
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Eric Humble’s Episode Titles
What I learned doing this assignment is: This was a really interesting lesson in that I was able to reexamine my episodes and seasons for the essence and the hooks and it really gave me some interesting breakthroughs as I tried to encapsulate them in succinct titles. I’m sure these will evolve as I go forward, but I like the way they tell the story even just in the short phrases themselves when sequenced out. I’ll be doing this exercise with my second concept when I get that one up to this step, and I’m excited to get another opportunity to try this technique out.
EPISODE TITLES
Episode 1: One Drop of Blood
Episode 2: Find the Girl
Episode 3: You Owe Us, We Own You
Episode 4: All It’ll Cost You
Episode 5: The Intimidation Game
Episode 6: Ghosting
Episode 7: Initiation
Episode 8: Old Bones
Episode 9: No One Lives Forever
Episode 10: Radiation Treatment
SEASON TITLES
Season 1: Hyperplasia
Season 2: Dysplasia
Season 3: Metastasis
Season 4: Malignant
Season 5: Invasive
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Eric Humble Presents Non-Stop Intrigue!
Sorry for the delay in posting — I’ve been slowed in my progress by the holidays and everyone in my family (including me) catching the flu. But I decided to empower myself and post what I have so that I can move forward with the class. For the moment, I was only able to apply this assignment to one of my two projects, so I’ll be playing catch-up with the second as well as continuing to work on elevating this one as I go. That said, this was a great exercise to add intrigue to the bible. I only got to apply it to the summary and the five seasons sections, but both really stand out now. I was amazed at how much more intriguing I was able to make material that was already loaded with intrigue from the BW Framework. I’m looking forward to working with every sentence in this and my second pitch bible and seeing how much more I can elevate them both.
Concept 1 Title:
One Hour Thriller
Concept: A cancer researcher uncovers a conspiracy to eradicate a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing cancer, changing from company man to warrior as he infiltrates a centuries-old cabal intent on controlling disease to shape human history.
World: The Big Business of healthcare… and the shadowy global conspiracy behind it. High-powered Pharma execs in the present day and “medicine men” throughout history controlling cures and illnesses to shape civilization.
Show Summary:
Life is good for Jude. He’s a celebrated cancer researcher who studies ancient remains for possible cures. He lives a comfortable life as a pharmaceutical company man and is in a loving marriage with Catherine. Until she’s diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Obsessed with solving the unsolvable, Jude pushes his research to the limit… but there it is. The cure for cancer! It would be easy if the key lay in the genetic code of an ancient skeleton. But the DNA belongs to Dres, a con artist who dwells in the city’s seedy underbelly. Jude’s search for Dres leads him into some dangerous corners…
…but none as dangerous as the secret army of assassins trying to kill her.
He thwarts an assassination attempt. It would be a purely heroic act… if he didn’t inadvertently kill the assassin in the process. And Dres is only grateful enough to help him dispose of the body. She’s gone, unfindable, and with her goes the key to developing a cure.
But maybe there’s another lead: in testing the dead man’s DNA, he finds a connection to a Big Pharma corporation that has been courting him to work for them. Jude infiltrates the company – which reaps billions off the “business of cancer” – and discovers it masks an esoteric cabal dedicated to eradicating people of certain genetic lineages… people who have walked the earth for centuries. People like Dres.
Jude has stumbled into an age-old war – between a race of immortals with healing powers… and the powerful people intent on using disease to shape the course of human history. And the only reason Jude is alive is because they want him to help track down these people using his genetic research.
But this cabal murdered Dres’s immortal mother half a century ago… and now that she’s got a line on them, she wants Jude’s help to get revenge. Taking on a cabal that has toppled empires is a risky play, and Jude needs to keep her safe long enough to cure the world or, at least, his wife.
But what he doesn’t know is, Catherine is also an immortal. She shouldn’t be able to get sick, so why is she dying? And why does the cabal insist that that makes her more dangerous alive than dead?
Character Descriptions
Jude
Jude is an esteemed cancer researcher who specializes in studying the DNA of ancient remains to search for a cure… whose wife has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Luckily, the cure is within his grasp. Unluckily, the key to synthesizing it lies in the DNA of Dres, who is being targeted by a powerful, mysterious cabal of assassins.
When Jude and Dres kill one of her attackers, he’s complicit in murder… and becomes a target himself. All his scientific brilliance can’t make up for a lack of street-smarts in Dres’s world of con artists and criminals. His only chance to develop the cure and protect Dres, is to infiltrate the cabal… which requires him to destroy his research… including the cure. If Jude is going to keep his loved ones safe and create a cure that will alter history, he’ll have to learn to fight… like the long line of warriors throughout history he discovers have stood in this very place against this very cabal!
Dres
Dres enjoys conning greedy corporate execs before disappearing back off-grid in the seedy underbelly of the city. She knows something in her blood has curative properties, but she isn’t interested in letting the world know it, because it has made her a target of the cabal… for over 100 years. Dres is an immortal, who will live forever under natural conditions – or die just like her mother from an assassin’s bullet.
But she refuses to live like a hunted animal, as all of her kind have for millennia. Fueled by vengeance, Dres has been plotting for decades to get inside the cabal and kill them all. She’s killed dozens of their footsoldiers over the years, but has been unable to work her way up the ladder. But Jude may be her ticket inside. For him to help her, she’ll have to give him more samples of her blood… but like all immortals, the longer she lives, the more distantly she views human relationships, like mere blips on a timeline, and she doesn’t trust any of them… including Jude. The temptation to con Jude, turn him over to the cabal, or just kill him at the end of their gambit may be too great… unless she can get a hold on her humanity in the process.
Marks
Marks is a powerful Big Pharma CEO whose decisions can rock the stock market… in his public life. Behind closed doors, he’s a cabal member in charge of the East Coast, tasked with finding and exterminating immortals who enter his region. He arranged the hit on Dres, and he’s in hot water now that it failed. The Cabal Leader, his mentor and father-figure, is hinting he’s put a hit out on him. The cabal leader in charge of Western Europe is gunning for Marks’s job… and appears to be gaining the favor of the Cabal Leader.
Marks’s daughter has MS… and he is convinced the immortals can cure more than cancer, if only the Cabal Leader would allow him to look in the forbidden archives. As he scours the East Coast for Dres, he courts Jude to work for the company… so he can seize his proprietary DNA tracking process. He also seduces a Big Tech CEO—who is Dres, working her plan to get into his organization! But he’s letting these two wolves into the henhouse for a specific purpose… to stage a mutiny and take over the cabal once and for all! As long as he can avoid being executed first…
Catherine
Catherine is Jude’s wife, a crusading lawyer taking on Big Pharma… and her sudden terminal diagnosis is hitting her as hard as the cancer itself. Because, unbeknownst even to Jude, she is an immortal, the oldest on record – 200 years old.
She isn’t supposed to be able to get sick. And the only person with the resources to find out what’s wrong with her is Marks. Her love for Jude is the thing keeping her anchored to her humanity, rather than seeing life from a cold, distant, macro viewpoint… but that relationship is in jeopardy now because of her secret. Because not only is she immortal…
… she’s also the former head assassin for the cabal. She killed Dres’s mother. Even if she can find out why she’s dying, the only one who can cure her wants nothing but to put a bullet in her head.
Season One Episodes:
Episode 1:
Jude is a cancer researcher, celebrated for his work studying the DNA of ancient remains in search of cures. He lives a life of comfort, and is being courted by Marks, the CEO of a Big Pharma company… until the unthinkable happens: his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Obsessed by solving the unsolvable, Jude refuses to accept the diagnosis and pushes his genetic research to its limits. Jude discovers the final element to a cure for cancer. It’s embedded in the DNA of a blood sample donated by a woman named Dres.
He tracks her down to obtain a sample big enough to develop a mass quantity of the cure… when a sniper tries to kill her! Jude gives chase, but in the ensuing struggle, he and Dres kill the sniper. Luckily, Dres knows how to cover their tracks… because she’s already killed 46 other assassins hunting her over the years. After destroying the evidence, she ducks out on him and is lost in the big city. Jude can’t shake the feeling he’s being shadowed everywhere he goes… when he is called back to find his lab destroyed in an “accident” – which has killed the lab assistant who originally discovered the blood sample.
Marks presents to a shadowy room of seated, well-dressed figures… the cabal–the DNA system will be theirs… then they’ll have no trouble tracking the girl.
Episode 2:
It turns out that Dres is not only homeless but a con woman who dwells around the seedy underbelly of the city… and Jude has to find her. His search takes him through some dangerous places where he sticks out as a target… and not just by the denizens of these parts. People are following him. Jude has taken a DNA sample of the assassin he and Dres killed and runs it through his system – it comes up as belonging to a 90 year old man! A former pharma exec supposedly on retirement in a remote cabin in the mountains. Jude goes to the cabin to investigate and discovers a strange symbol… but the cabin is booby-trapped! He barely makes it out alive.
He researches the symbol and uncovers fringe theories on the dark web about a cabal, lurking in the top echelons of power, shaping history. Arriving back home, he discovers someone has been in his home… and has stolen the last remaining backup drive containing all his research.
The cabal is tracking Catherine, too!
Episode 3:
Whoever his pursuers are, they found Dres once – so if Jude can find who they are, he can use them to find her again. He meets with some crazed conspiracy theorists who lead him in the direction of Marks’s Big Pharma company. Now without a lab, Jude takes Marks up on his offer so that he can infiltrate the cabal.
But Marks stands against everything he works for – he sees medicine as a product to be sold, not a right. Jude finds that he’s boxed in – Marks is suppressing his research… doesn’t want the cure on the market. His solution – get Marks’s job, whatever it takes.
He tries using the assassin’s DNA to access the company’s computer system – only to confront a security question he doesn’t know the answer to… which instantly sets off alarms. He doesn’t get any information… but the assassin definitely has some connection to this company.
Catherine approaches Marks—needs his help to find out why she’s sick.
Episode 4:
Jude provokes the cabal by casually referencing the arcane symbol in an address at a conference. He is later contacted anonymously – with a request/threat to prove his intentions. He arrives at the meet in a park after dark… where the drive containing all his research is waiting in a package. He’s instructed to destroy it. He must submit himself to the cabal in order to know what they know… so he does as ordered… only to receive no response from the darkness.
He scuttles his research, and his reputation takes a huge hit as the conference closes…only for the cabal to nearly crash his plane on the way home as a warning. Stop looking for them and the girl and he’ll be allowed to continue working and maybe someday regain his stature.
He comes home to a message from Dres – as thanks for saving her, she gives him the answer to the security question he failed at the company’s computer system.
Catherine kills a bunch of assassins – criticizing their tactics. She wrote the book they use to train one another. She is a former cabal assassin.
Episode 5:
Jude tries to access the Big Pharma computer system again and gets past the security question – but before he can get any intel, Marks catches him. But before building security can get to him, the cabal assassins swarm in and drag Jude, bound and blindfolded, to a meeting – where the wizened, sinister Cabal Leader interrogates him on why he’s trying to access their group.
As Jude looks around their masked faces, he’s triggered – because they’re just like a faceless masked group that drove his brother to suicide in his youth… whom he was never able to unmask. At the Cabal Leader’s order, he’s marched to an empty field, a gun is placed against his head… when the assassins are knocked unconscious. By Dres! She smuggles him to safety.
Episode 6:
Dres helps Jude get off-grid. Teaches him her mastery of deceit how to survive from people like this. But he still needs her cooperation to test her blood. After getting him set up with falsified documents, she disappears on him again. He secures passage out of the country…
…but returns home to find Catherine unconscious and needing the hospital. He refuses to accept that she has cancer, and hides from her that this is the diagnosis. Then, as he’s dozing in the hospital, a message on his phone from the cabal: a car is waiting for him outside. This is his only chance – “if you get in the car right now, you’re in.” He does so…
Dres is conning Jude… and keeping open the possibility of killing him when she’s done.
Episode 7:
Jude will be let into the cabal… if he passes the initiation rite. But the esoteric ceremony is interrupted by an FBI raid! Jude is hauled into a crime scene: Dres’s body is lying on the floor of a seedy bar, shot dead. They know she got him false papers and he was the last to see her alive. Unless he rats on the cabal, he’ll take the rap for her murder. Jude is devastated – he must have led the cabal to her. It’s his fault she died. Still, he chooses to keep silent about the cabal. He’s thrown in jail to await his trial…
…when it’s revealed that it was all fake—a test, which he passed. He’s now a member of the cabal.
Catherine and Dres meet at the museum–they know each other… reminisce about Italy… and we see they’re both depicted in the hundred-year-old painting. Catherine and Dres’s mother, with infant Dres in a carriage. Catherine is an immortal, too! How could they be in a 100-year-old painting?
Episode 8:
The cabal tracks Dres down and assassinates her for real! Except it isn’t her, it’s her con artist partner. Dres finds the body, is spooked enough to return to Jude. Wants to combine forces to take the cabal down. In return, she’ll let him test her blood and finish developing the cure. But Jude can’t work in the company’s lab until or unless his job is reinstated. He guides Dres to con Marks in order to access the lab. It’s a long game, but once she gets in, he’s got all his research in his head and can walk her through synthesizing the cure for Catherine.
Meanwhile, he’s given his first assignment by the cabal—use his expertise to test the DNA on two ancient, fossilized bodies… and use their database to trace the genetic lines and find their ancestors living in the world now. His results are baffling – there have only been three generations between these ancient ones and today. When he locates the present day descendent of one, he tries to warn the guy… but the cabal has already gotten there. They kill the man, only for the body to release a gas that gets the cabal assassins sick. They throw the whole scene under quarantine and rush Jude out. In the chaos of the moment, he finds a photo of Dres that’s almost 100 years old.
Episode 9:
Jude has to locate the descendent of the second ancient body… as the Cabal Leader reveals to him the existence of immortals who have walked among humans since the beginning of time. Jude has his eyes opened to a world beyond science. But the Cabal Leader won’t reveal to him their mission or the reason they’re hunting these immortals, not until he succeeds in his first assignment.
Meanwhile, he uses the assignment to acquire some lightly irradiated materials, part of his plan with Dres to slip them into the cabal’s water at their next meeting so Jude and Dres can bring in the authorities and identify them… but Marks doesn’t trust him as much as the Cabal Leader does, and has his eyes on him. But Jude’s research is hitting close to home as he zeroes in on the target’s history and whereabouts… because the ancient corpse’s ancestor, two hundred years old, is his wife, Catherine.
Catherine killed Dres’s mother!
Episode 10:
Jude discovers the cabal’s secret: they’ve known about the immortals curing cancer for 100 years – and have been systematically exterminating them to keep the business of cancer in the red. He allows Marks to indoctrinate him in order to plant the radioactive materials in the water supply… but Marks dangles an impossible choice before him: work for us and if we’re satisfied, we’ll give you the cure for Catherine. Step out of line, and both of you die. He finds himself conflicted – and tempted by the wealth Marks offers him. Does he follow through for Dres or remain the “company man” he always was–just for a more sinister “company?”
Jude chooses to slip the tracker to the cabal members before the meeting, but must do so without being caught… all the while talking Dres through synthesizing the cure back at the Big Pharma lab. He’s about to slip them the tracker… when Marks stages a mutiny and takes over. And reveals that Jude’s tracking plan won’t work – the cabal is global. This is just the local US Chapter. And Jude is at their mercy.
Five Seasons Descriptions:
Season One:
Yesterday, he was just an esteemed cancer research specialist. Today, he’s a target–and the ones chasing him are everywhere. Jude enjoys a comfortable life reaping the benefits of “the cancer business”… until his wife Catherine contracts inoperable cancer. But Jude has stumbled onto something that may finally provide a cure – in a blood sample from Dres, a homeless con artist. Only problem: someone’s trying to kill Dres – and now Jude as well. If it were just an assassin, they might stand a chance. But what if it’s a secret cabal operating at the highest echelons of the healthcare industry? If he infiltrates the cabal, he can find out what their purpose is, but that will pit him against Marks, a dangerous, powerful CEO and cabal member.
Why would healthcare professionals want to hunt a woman who holds the cure for cancer in her DNA? Maybe because the cancer business is a cash cow. Jude finds this appalling enough, but he isn’t prepared for the full truth: Dres is a 100-year-old immortal, and the cabal has been hunting her people for millennia to suppress all sorts of cures.
And unbeknownst to anyone, Catherine is also an immortal. Immortals aren’t supposed to get sick, yet here she is, dying of cancer… and seeking answers only the cabal can give her. But she used to be their top assassin. Will Marks welcome her back, or use her to kill Jude and Dres?
Season Two:
Jude has made it into the cabal’s inner circle, where its secrets involving Dres will be revealed. But will Marks give up the leverage of that secret knowledge? Not while he has the upper hand – because he has Catherine in captivity. Marks can’t let him go with what he knows… but he can’t afford to kill him either. So he sentences Jude and Catherine to the same hell: the brutal assassins’ training program. Can Catherine train Jude to follow in her footsteps? As he undergoes an inhumane regimen, he’s inching closer to the knowledge that Catherine killed Dres’s mother. Who will he stand by, the woman he loved once he learns the monster she once was, or will he stand by the woman he vowed to protect?
Maybe it won’t matter… because he’s becoming indoctrinated to the cabal’s purpose: whoever controls sickness and cures controls history. Finally, Jude is ready to be released into the field… as the cabal’s best-trained assassin. It turns out there are more immortals across the globe that need to be killed… because, he discovers, they only cure diseases for 200 years. After that, they become plague carriers. And this is what’s behind Catherine’s illness. She’s a danger to humanity if she stays alive much longer.
Season Three:
It’s a secret war, playing out in seedy backalleys and abandoned buildings across Europe and Asia. Jude is now the top assassin in the field – but has he truly given up on curing Catherine? Catherine is getting sicker – with more than cancer. She’s carrying a mutated germ that will explode into an unstoppable pandemic unless Jude can cure her… or at least contain her. To do that, he’ll need Dres’s help. But Dres has finally learned that Catherine is the one who killed her mother.
The only thing stopping her from killing them both is Jude’s promise to unmask the head of the global cabal, the one pulling all the strings…
…who turns out to be Dres’s mother! Long thought dead, she’s actually been using the cabal to take out her immortal peers and clear the field for her ultimate plan: unleashing the pandemic which will kill humans while leaving immortals untouched. Too bad Jude just embraced his role in this conflict, because he’s fighting for the wrong side after all! And it’s too late, Catherine has already exposed a handful of people to the disease. The pandemic will spread. Humanity will be lost.
Season Four:
Immortality can be dangerous – if you live long enough, won’t you view mortal lives as mere blips on a timeline? Dres’s mother has a simple plan: kill humanity and the immortals emerge as Earth’s stewards, free of pettiness and corruption. Dres reasons with her, as daughter-to-mother. But her mother has spent centuries building this plan, and it’s just coming to fruition. Is she really going to scrap that just because her daughter asked?
Jude is worried she’s too powerful and well-protected to kill. To take on a murderous cabal, he’ll need a cabal of his own. He assembles assembles a ragtag group of mortals and immortals… His surprising ally is Marks, who helps establish a base on Antarctica to keep Catherine – and the pandemic – contained. They might be enough to stand against Dres’s mother… but he doesn’t trust Marks, or any of the people Marks has brought onboard.
Dres’s mother brings her full forces to the continent and declares open warfare. If only Jude’s meager forces were ready… and not starting to succumb to the plague…
Season Five:
It’s war at the icy bottom of the world – will the immortals destroy humanity or vice versa? Jude’s group is waylaid as the disease takes hold, with only Dres and a few immortal allies unaffected. Luckily, he’s still a brilliant medical researcher and he discovers a cure. The bad news? He needs Dres’s mother’s DNA. Dres could be ideal for the mission. Except to get the DNA, she’ll have to kill her own mother, whose “death” she has been grieving for decades.
Maybe Dres sides with humanity… then again, she’s a lifelong con artist who has preyed on innocent people for years. Can Jude trust her to carry out the mission? And why is Marks establishing a safe haven for immortals on Antarctica? It’s possible he’s really changed his tune, but his new organization is giving him all the power… and resembles the original cabal a little too much.
Meanwhile, there’s a new immortal out there, old enough to be carrying the next plague. And he’s got his eyes on the colony out in the ice. What will be his next move? Will Jude’s small army be ready to take him on if it comes to that?
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Eric Humble’s Intrigue Patterns
What I learned doing this assignment is: how many variations I can use on a single sentence to make it intriguing and much more dynamic than my original. This was a fun assignment. I was surprised to see how interesting and intriguing I could make these sentences just by applying the patterns and not even worrying about the words. I can’t wait to apply this to the whole Bible!
Concept 1:
To understand what he’s up against, Jude infiltrates a Big Pharma conglomerate making billions off the “business of cancer.” But this masks an esoteric cabal dedicated to eradicating people of certain genetic lineages… people who have walked the earth for centuries. People like Dres.
A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.
The Big Pharma corporation is clearly more interested in keeping patients sick than curing cancer–how else would their profit margins stay in the billions? In fact, if a real cure did exist, they have ways of keeping it off the market… they’ve been doing it for centuries.
B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
Jude gets a job at the Big Pharma corporation and finds everything completely aboveboard. So why would a dead assassin have a company-issued keycard to the fiftieth floor–a floor that’s been under repair since the 1920s?
C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..
Why would a company which makes billions off the “business of cancer” have need of a paid assassin?
D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.
Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation. The money is great, as you’d expect from a business that profits off of an incurable disease like cancer. But Jude is reluctant to share that he may, in fact, have found a cure… because somebody hired that assassin to try and kill Dres, the source of the cure.
E. But maybe it is all wrong.
Marks’s Big Pharma company welcomes Jude with open arms. Shiny new lab, eager lab assistants, huge paycheck–everything a business that makes steadily increasing billions off of “the business of cancer” can afford… which, is to say, everything. And with Marks being so encouraging, Jude suspects that maybe they do want him to produce the cure for cancer after all. The materials and distribution are all in place. The Board is awaiting the “big announcement” as soon as he starts. Maybe they operate in total good faith. But, then again, there was that assassin who almost killed the only known source of the cure. And the unfamiliar people in expensive suits who convene every month in the oldest part of the building, the one that’s off-limits even to the executive staff.
F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation, hoping he might confirm the dark web’s rumors about a cabal of powerful people operating out of here. At first, he’s greeted with a huge paycheck–the kind you’d expect from a company that profits off of an incurable disease. But when he suggests he may finally have a true cure in the works, the environment changes… and by the time the dust settles, he’ll wish he never scratched the surface of the big old company.
G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.
Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation, hoping he might confirm the dark web’s rumors about a cabal of powerful people operating out of here. The company seems normal enough–if profiting off the unending treatments of cancer is considered “normal.” If he keeps his head down and does his work, he’ll have a nice, comfortable life as a company man. But if he digs even a little bit, he may end up another researcher who disappeared under mysterious circumstances… and he’s growing wary of some of the new, well-to-do people who keep convening in a closed wing of the building.
H. State the mystery.
The Big Pharma company is headquartered in a tall, old fortress of a building, fitting for a company that makes billions off of an incurable disease like cancer. But does it conceal a cabal of powerful people who have operated for centuries?
I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.
The Big Pharma company welcomes Jude with open arms, pledging support and offering a huge salary–as you would expect from a company whose biggest profits come from an incurable disease like cancer. This should be a dream job for him… if it wasn’t a front for a cabal of powerful people out to stop him from releasing his cancer cure.
J. Intense language.
Marks’s Big Pharma company is a giant drug dealer made of concrete and glass. Medicines that treat but don’t cure are prioritized here. Insurance claims are negotiated ever upward. It’s small wonder that the company is a front for something more sinister–monthly meetings in the old part of the building with the kind of people who hire assassins.
Concept 2:
Darren quits the FBI in a rage. Realizes Scoleri is too protected now and ruthless enough to go all the way and win, further increasing his powers… which means the only way to finally catch him is to be there at the end of the line.
A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.
Scoleri has personally slit throats for far less than the powers of the Presidency. And Darren has seen firsthand what he can do when he’s driven. He’ll have to head him off somewhere down the line, but if he doesn’t pick just the right time and just the right move to arrest him, he’ll lose his only chance at it…again.
B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
If anyone can pull off a surprise come-from-behind win in the Presidential race, it’s Scoleri. It’s just a question of how many people he’ll order killed to get there.
C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..
How do you win a Presidential election when you’ve just entered a few weeks before the National Convention, have no standing within the delegation, no idea how DC politics work… and the only thing you have is a network of thugs who specialize in terror and torture?
D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.
Darren is wondering what tactic Scoleri will take to finally win the Presidency. The man has had people killed, tortured, and buried alive to get what he wanted, so Darren can only imagine what he has up sleeve on the road to the White House.
E. But maybe it is all wrong.
But maybe Scoleri won’t win the Presidency. He’s behind the eightball with no experience in politics, no time to launch a successful grassroots following, and no standing with the delegation. It’s the longest of long shots. Maybe he’ll drop out or simply lose and Darren will be able to arrest him. Then again, Scoleri has killed his way in and out of tighter spots before.
F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
Scoleri is certainly out-matched by the politicos in the race. But Darren is already his usual pattern emerge: gathering intel about his enemies, strongarming the vulnerable ones into submission… after that, he usually goes for the stubborn, unbending people who refuse to yield. And that, historically speaking, is when streets run red with blood.
G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.
If Darren exposes Scoleri now, while his position is still weak, that backs him into a corner– and that position is historically his most dangerous. Darren opts to lie in wait, catch him when he’s long forgotten he’s being watched… at the homestretch of the primaries.
H. State the mystery.
Who put Scoleri in this position and did they do just to see him lose? No, this is a challenge, not a humiliation. Whoever set this up wants Scoleri to win the White House. The real question is whether or not they want Darren to stop him just before he crosses the finish line?
I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.
This should be an easy arrest, just a bump in the road. After all, Scoleri has no experience in politics, no time to launch a successful grassroots following, and no standing with the delegation. It’s the longest of long shots. All Darren should need to do is watch and wait, then swoop in the second Scoleri’s out of race. Scoleri is already bold moves, commandeering a reporter and his staff as his own private army of spies. He’s entrenching himself, and with Scoleri, once the trenches are dug, the World War begins.
J. Intense language.
Scoleri can blackmail, drug, and murder his way into any place he wants, even the White House. Darren settles in for the long game. If he has a prayer of stopping Scoleri from taking the Presidency and burning American democracy to the ground, it’s in slow, deliberate steps. But he needs to play it just right or he’ll end up a grease-spot.
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Eric Humble’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to use the investigative processes to mine the story and find even deeper layers and more unique ways to express the essence of some of the key moments of the show.
Changes to concept 1: I discovered a layer involving the reason my protagonist initially goes to work for the Big Pharma company, which leads him into the cabal — it adds a layer of intrigue and answers a question about his motivation that I wasn’t able to solve until now. I also discovered that the relationship between my two main protagonists is strengthened by taking what I had assumed would be a “B” plot involving one of the supporting characters and the co-lead, Dres, and giving it entirely to my two leads. Most of the other ideas I generated from this process will be used in the episodes, and don’t really belong in the big-picture ideas included in the Bible.
Changes to concept 2: I took this opportunity and these investigative processes to look into a lot of the major plot elements and do a bit of research as to how the electoral process actually works. This will change much of the plot of the episodes and even the description in the summary — but by using the investigative processes, I was able to start seeing the story in a series of deeper layers than I had previously. I haven’t made the changes to this Bible yet, but I will as soon as I work out all the changes.
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Eric Humble’s Show Summary
What I learned doing this assignment is: how following the steps one at a time I’ve been able to create compelling show summaries. This assignment was surprisingly easy. Since I’ve been behind, I set a time limit to do this one as quickly as I could, and taking it step-by-step allowed me to work fast and come up with interesting summaries for both my concepts in just about a half hour total. They’re far from perfect, but I think each will serve as a good foundation to elevate from. This was a fun assignment, and I’m unexpectedly pleased with the results.
CONCEPT ONE:
Jude is a celebrated cancer researcher, specializing in genetics. He lives a comfortable life financed by a pharmaceutical company and is in a loving marriage with Catherine… until she’s diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Obsessed with solving the unsolvable, Jude pushes his research to the limit… and appears to find a cure for cancer! But the key element is embedded in the DNA of Dres, a con artist who dwells in the seedy underbelly of the city. Jude’s search for Dres leads him into some dangerous corners…
…but none as dangerous as the secret army of assassins trying to kill her.
To understand what he’s up against, Jude infiltrates a Big Pharma conglomerate making billions off the “business of cancer.” But this masks an esoteric cabal dedicated to eradicating people of certain genetic lineages… people who have walked the earth for centuries. People like Dres.
Jude has stumbled into an age-old war – between a race of immortals with healing powers… and the powerful people intent on using disease to shape the course of human history. And the only reason Jude is alive is because they want him to help track down these people using his genetic research.
But this cabal murdered Dres’s immortal mother half a century ago… and now that she’s got a line on them, she wants Jude’s help to get revenge. Taking on a cabal that has toppled empires is a risky play, and Jude needs to keep her safe long enough to cure the world or, at least, his wife.
But what he doesn’t know is, Catherine is also one of the immortals. She shouldn’t be able to get sick, so why is she dying? And why does the cabal insist that that makes her more dangerous alive than dead?
CONCEPT TWO:
Darren is a by-the-books FBI Agent, an incorruptible “boy scout.” Scoleri is the most feared mob boss you’ve never heard of–because he rules from the shadows and if you know who he is, it’s because he’s about to kill you. Darren has been on Scoleri’s trail for years, and is finally about to close in for the biggest organized crime bust in FBI history…
…when he’s ordered to stand down. Reporters swarm Scoleri with a flutter of questions… because someone has entered him into the race for President of the United States!
The proper paperwork has been filed, fees paid, and a campaign fund has millions more in its coffers than the competition. He’s suddenly a major contender. Scoleri has no idea who has done this, or why.
But a newly-minted law prohibits federal investigations into people running for or serving in federal office. So Scoleri is immune from arrest… so long as he wins.
But he’s a mob boss, not a politician. His brutal tactics put him out of place in the conniving world of backstabbing politicos. On the campaign trail, he finds himself drawn to the corners of American society he’s long ignored… and comes to see this as more than a get-out-of-jail-free card… perhaps it’s a noble calling.
Meanwhile, Darren is still on his trail… and enters the political arena himself to bring him down, along with the architect of the law that’s protecting him–the sitting President! And the higher Darren rises, the more he’s starting to enjoy the freedom of a world where the more rules you break, the more power you get.
Can a brutal gangster become a fit leader of the free world? Or will the “boy scout” learn to fight dirty enough to bring him down? As this grudge match plays out against a national scale, a question still lingers: who set this in motion… and why?
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Eric Humble’s Episode Descriptions
What I learned doing this lesson is: This has really focused me on the through-lines in each of my concepts, and I was surprised to find them both weak. I think, in retrospect, I developed the B and C storylines as more interesting than the main ones. So this lesson really gave me an overview of the problems I have to solve to get these shows where I want them to be, particularly in terms of the main conflicts. I’ll be working on these and updating the documents as soon as I can to try and elevate the stories.
CONCEPT 1:
Episode 1:
Jude is a celebrated cancer researcher, living a life of comfort, until the unthinkable happens: his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Obsessed by solving the unsolvable, Jude refuses to accept the diagnosis and pushes his genetic research to its limits, Jude discovers the final element to a cure for cancer. It’s embedded in the DNA of a blood sample donated by a woman named Dres.
He tracks her down to obtain a sample big enough to develop a mass quantity of the cure… when a sniper tries to kill her! Jude gives chase, but the sniper gets away, leaving behind a keycard with a strange symbol. Dres also ducks out on him and is lost in the big city…
Returning, he finds his lab destroyed in an “accident” – which has killed the lab assistant who originally discovered the blood sample.
Episode 2:
It turns out that Dres is not only homeless but a con woman who dwells around the seedy underbelly of the city… and Jude has to find her. His search takes him through some dangerous places where he sticks out as a target… and not just by the denizens of these parts. People are following him. He researches the symbol on the sniper’s keycard and uncovers fringe theories on the dark web about a cabal, lurking in the top echelons of power, shaping history.
Back in the comforts of his regular life, Jude can’t shake the feeling he’s being watched…and
discovers they’ve been in his home… and have stolen the last remaining backup drive containing all his research.
Episode 3:
Whoever his pursuers are, they found Dres once – so if Jude can find who they are, he can use them to find her again. He meets with some crazed conspiracy theorists who lead him in the direction of a Big Pharma company, where the CEO Marks has courted him to join the team in the past. Now without a lab, Jude takes Marks up on his offer so that he can infiltrate the cabal.
But Marks stands against everything he works for – he sees medicine as a product to be sold, not a right. Jude finds that he’s boxed in – Marks is suppressing his research… doesn’t want the cure on the market. His solution – get Marks’s job, whatever it takes.
When he gets the chance, he tries using the sniper’s keycard to access to the computer system – only to confront a security question he doesn’t know the answer to… which instantly sets off alarms. He doesn’t get any information… but the assassin definitely has some connection to this company.
Episode 4:
Jude provokes the cabal by casually referencing the symbol in an address at a conference. Is later contacted anonymously – with a request/threat to prove his intentions. He arrives at the meet in a park after dark… where the drive containing all his research is waiting in a package. He’s instructed to destroy it. He must submit himself to the cabal in order to know what they know… so he does as ordered… only to receive no response from the darkness.
He scuttles his research and his reputation takes a huge hit as the conference closes…only for the cabal to nearly crash his plane on the way home as a warning. Stop looking for them and the girl and he’ll be allowed to continue working and maybe someday regain his stature.
He comes home to a message from Dres – as thanks for saving her, a paper stating the answer to the security question he failed at the company’s computer system.
Episode 5:
Jude tries to access the Big Pharma computer system again and gets past the security question – but before he can get any intel, Marks catches him. But before building security can get to him, the cabal assassins swarm in and drag Jude, bound and blindfolded, to a meeting – where the wizened, sinister Cabal Leader interrogates him on why he’s trying to access their group.
As Jude looks around their masked faces, he’s triggered – because they’re just like a faceless masked group that drove his brother to suicide in his youth… whom he was never able to unmask. At the Cabal Leader’s order, he’s marched to an empty field, a gun is placed against his head… when the assassins are knocked unconscious. By Dres! She shuffles him away.
Episode 6:
Dres helps Jude get off-grid. Teaches him her mastery of deceit how to survive from people like this. But he still needs her cooperation to test her blood. After getting him set up with falsified documents, she disappears on him again. He secures passage out of the country…
…but returns home to find his wife, Catherine, unconscious and needing the hospital. He refuses to accept that she has cancer, and hides from her that this is the diagnosis. Then, as he’s dozing in the hospital, a message on his phone from the cabal: a car is waiting for him outside. This is his only chance – “if you get in the car right now, you’re in.”
Episode 7:
Jude will be let into the cabal… if he passes the initiation rite. But the esoteric ceremony is interrupted by an FBI raid! Jude is hauled into a crime scene: Dres’s body is lying on the floor of a seedy bar, shot dead. They know she got him false papers and he was the last to see her alive. Unless he rats on the cabal, he’ll take the rap for her murder. Jude is devastated – he must have led the cabal to her. It’s his fault she died. Still, he chooses to keep silent about the cabal. He’s thrown in jail to await his trial…
…when it’s revealed that it was all fake—a test, which he passed. He’s now a member of the cabal.
Episode 8:
The cabal tracks Dres down and assassinates her for real! Except it isn’t her, it’s her con artist partner. Dres finds the body, is spooked enough to return to Jude. Wants to combine forces to take the cabal down. In return, she’ll let him test her blood and finish developing the cure. But Jude can’t work in the company’s lab until or unless his job is reinstated. He guides Dres to con Marks in order to access the lab. It’s a long game, but once she gets in, he’s got all his research in his head and can walk her through synthesizing the cure for Catherin
Meanwhile, he’s given his first assignment by the cabal—use his expertise to test the DNA on two ancient, fossilized bodies… and use their database to trace the genetic lines and find their ancestors living in the world now. His results are baffling – there have only been three generations between these ancient ones and today—and one of the relatives is Dres… who appears in a photo almost 100 years old.
Episode 9:
Jude has to locate the descendent of the second ancient body… as the Cabal Leader reveals to him the existence of immortals who have walked among humans since the beginning of time. Jude has his eyes opened to a world beyond science. But the Cabal Leader won’t reveal to him their mission or the reason they’re hunting these immortals, not until he succeeds in his first assignment.
Meanwhile, he uses the assignment to acquire some lightly irradiated materials, part of his plan with Dres to slip them into the cabal’s water at their next meeting so Jude and Dres can bring in the authorities and identify them… but Marks doesn’t trust him as much as the Cabal Leader does, and has his eyes on him. But Jude’s research is hitting close to home as he zeroes in on the target’s history and whereabouts… because the ancient corpse’s ancestor, two hundred years old, is his wife, Catherine.
Episode 10:
Jude discovers the cabal’s secret: they’ve known about the immortals curing cancer for 100 years – and have been systematically exterminating them to keep the business of cancer in the red. He allows Marks to indoctrinate him in order to plant the radioactive materials in the water supply… but finds himself tempted by the wealth Marks offers him. He’s conflicted, must choose whether to follow through and track the cabal for Dres or take their offer and just cure Catherine.
Jude chooses to slip the tracker to the cabal members before the meeting, but must do so without being caught… all the while talking Dres through synthesizing the cure back at the Big Pharma lab. He’s about to slip them the tracker… when Marks stages a mutiny. Kills the Cabal Leader and takes over. And reveals that Jude’s tracking plan won’t work – the cabal is global. This is just the local US Chapter. And Jude is at their mercy.
CONCEPT 2:
Episode 1:
Darren is a by-the-book FBI Agent. Scoleri is a ruthless mob boss. Darren is about to close a years-long investigation by arresting Scoleri dead-to-rights… when he’s ordered to stand down. Because someone has unwittingly entered Scoleri in the race for President of the United States! A newly-minted law prohibits federal investigations into people running for or serving in office, so Scoleri is untouchable… so long as he wins.
Darren’s world is shattered when the law–the thing he abides by no matter what–is the very thing defeating him and shielding Scoleri. Despondent, he quits the FBI. As he mulls revenge, Scoleri divorces himself from the family business and sets up a campaign office – staffed with mob lieutenants. Darren starts a new job–intern at the campaign to re-elect the sitting President. Because his plan doesn’t just involve revealing to the country what Scoleri really is…
…he’s also going to take down the architect of the law protecting him: the current President of the United States!
Episode 2:
Scoleri arrives in DC, ready to show everyone he’s a man to be feared… but at a gala event, he is owned by the DC elite, especially those in the party whose nomination he’s counting on. Scoleri tries to hold his own in conversation but is laughed at and written about… especially by his rival for the nomination; wants to kill the man right there with a knife he swipes from the kitchen, but knows he can’t. The media mock him mercilessly for his performance during first public appearance.
Darren, meanwhile, tries to get the President’s campaign to go after Scoleri for being a gangster… but his boy scout ways are no match for the underhanded backstabbing of politics.
He tries to schmooze and is set up by fellow strategists to be shot down harshly by the campaign chief. So he tails the chief until he finds his weak spot – spies him buying cocaine from a dealer.
Scoleri shows up at a journalist’s party seemingly for another round of humiliation… when he spreads a pile of money on the table and also an AR15. He wants dirt–any and all of it on every last politico in Washington. They either work for him–or they’ll be the subject of a hell of a page one tomorrow morning.
Episode 3:
Armed with dirt from their legion of journalists, Scoleri and Scoleri Jr. blackmail every member of party leadership to support him… using the port city he has owned and depressed as a place to meet and intimidate the party leader. But the party leader isn’t swayed – he can’t threaten or bribe people who are long used to that kind of thing. If he’s going to make it in DC, he’ll have to learn to deal.
Darren finds that the rules and ethics he lives by are tying his hands. So he sets up the other interns to get fired by feeding them disinformation, which launches an embarrassing reaction speech by the POTUS. Because Darren is the only one who stood against it, his job is spared – he’s the last one standing.
Scoleri decides to deal with the party leader… only to learn the waterfront population whom Scoleri himself has long depressed are the ones who will seal Scoleri’s fate. If he can energize these people to vote for him, the party leader will consider giving him the nomination.
Episode 4:
With the task of revitalizing a place he’s held in contempt forever, Scoleri tries to gentrify the waterfront by bringing in investors who are either afraid of him or currying favor. But business as usual won’t work here… the people don’t want to be kicked out, and it’s their votes he’ll need to secure. Scoleri and his bodyguards are robbed by a kid in with a group of hooligans who reminds him of himself… causing him to cancel an offer to start gentrification… and think on a grander humanitarian scale.
Darren goes rogue to get an audience with the President to tell him who Scoleri really is. He uses the rules to his advantage… breaking the rules but not the law. He blunders into an impromptu face-to-face with POTUS and pleads his case. Thinks he’s gotten through to him… until the campaign chief hauls him with the order of firing him.
But Darren reveals the whole awkward meeting was a blind for him to access the campaign funds—he’s transferred millions from POTUS’s fund to prop up the presumptive nominee on the other side… and he did it under the chief’s ID. Uses this as leverage to stay on.
Episode 5:
Scoleri’s rival comes to the waterfront city to intimidate him. Scoleri has grown fond of the kid and his family store—when it comes under siege from lawyers spurred on by his rival, suing to revoke the family business license and deport the father. So Scoleri rounds up the lawyers and takes them out to sea, where he’s going to cut off their arms and dump them overboard in shark-infested water… unless they drop the lawsuits–and head off any that come in from here on out.
Darren is starting to enjoy the power of living outside the rules… when the campaign chief plays dirty to get him ousted by threatening to involve Darren’s powerful Congresswoman wife Rebecca in a scandal. He tries to make peace with the chief, telling him what an opportunity it is to reveal Scoleri… but the chief doesn’t want an enemy in the mob and has better ways to take him down. So Darren, seemingly in a rage, sneaks into the chief’s new house and sledgehammers a wall.
It’s then that Scoleri’s IT guy finds a clue as to who set this whole thing in motion… he can trace the server the original paperwork and announcement were filed under.
Episode 6:
Scoleri and Darren separately chase down a lead as to who set up this presidential run. Scoleri goes full-on mobster only to be confronted by the fact that his brutal nature won’t get him the
presidency, just jail. They both are lured to a server room in an abandoned building outside DC… where they’re in a mexican standoff… until a laptop starts talking to them. It’s a set up to bring the two of them together and end their conflict so that Scoleri can advance.
Darren has gone righteous investigator. Except whoever’s doing this has been watching him and will be exposed for something he did to the chief’s drug dealer… unless he drops this. Enough games. They’re at an impasse, each considering whether to just kill the other…
…when a mass shooting has occurred at the kid’s family’s store on the waterfront – the press is waiting outside when they both emerge, wanting statements from both campaigns… and Darren handles it brilliantly, catching the eye of the Presiden, while Scoleri fumbles, in shock.
Episode 7:
Scoleri is forced to be a leader, not a bully. His instinct is to hunt the killer down and kill him in kind, but that won’t solve his biggest problem of staying relevant in the race. He cuts off his drug supply, making an enemy of his supplier.
Darren gets access to the President, has a chance to make things right by the book… but takes the road of being underhanded instead. He undercuts the President’s confidence in the chief while boosting his own image. Then leaves a vial of cocaine in the White House… the trail pointing toward the chief. But it goes sideways – and he is fired by the chief on orders from POTUS—they have history. POTUS trusts him but doesn’t trust Darren. They figured it’s a set up.
The supplier declares war on Scoleri, drawing scrutiny from the public as to what his business actually is.
Episode 8:
Scoleri has to resort his enemy—the FBI—to clean up the gang war. Scoleri cements his status as man of the people, and wins public support over the nominee, causing the majority leader to order that everyone fall in line behind him.
Darren has to decide how far he’s willing to go… and goes full-on criminal. He calls the police on the chief—where they find a fortune in cocaine hidden inside the wall Darren had sledgehammered up. With the chief out, Darren steps in to take over his job and have the President’s ear.
But the one behind all this is Rebecca – who is really a Russian spy. Her plan: to put a puppet in the White House in the form of Scoleri.
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Eric Humble’s Episode List (Rough Draft)
What I learned doing this lesson is: that I can generate tons of ideas that can fill up an entire season and beyond. I was initially worried that both of my concepts just didn’t have enough story to make it as tv shows… but after using these techniques, I was able to brainstorm/collate more ideas that I could use in one season. It’s a rough draft and is a little too wordy for the bullet points asked, but for both concepts I’m really starting to see two shows here, which is exhilarating.
CONCEPT 1:
Episode 1: Jude discovers the cure for Catherine’s cancer is embedded in Dres’s DNA… but someone’s trying to kill Dres!
Jude skips an award dinner where he’s being honored to complete a test… and get closer to curing cancer.
Catherine is diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Jude chooses to hide this from her, believing he can get the cure developed before it’s too late.
Marks is a Big Pharma CEO whose decisions can move markets… and he wants Jude on his team. But Jude doesn’t like the idea of cures as big business.
Jude has a lead on a cure – from the DNA of a blood sample from a well-to-do businesswoman.
Jude finds the woman’s address – she’s squatting in a vacant lot. It’s Dres, a homeless con artist. Before he can question her, someone tries to kill her.
Marks is involved in a shadowy cabal – and he’s in deep shit for failing to have Dres killed.
Episode 2: Dres discovers Jude is getting kickbacks and tries to con the money out of Catherine… when together they kill an assassin who is trying to kill Dres!
Jude looks for Dres, can’t find her anywhere…
…and the trail leads him to some dangerous places in the seedy underbelly of the city.
Jude investigates the attempted killing, uncovers fringe theories about a cabal.
Dres, meanwhile, is researching Jude – and discovers he’s getting kickbacks from insurance and Big Pharma companies to slow his research.
Dres involves her partner into a plan to con Jude’s money – from Catherine.
Dres starts the con on Catherine – when another attempt is made… and Dres and Catherine kill the assassin together!
Episode 3: Jude takes Marks up on his offer to work for the Big Pharma conglomerate so that he can infiltrate the cabal.
Dres and Catherine cover up the murder using Dres’s underworld contacts.
Jude traces the rumors of the cabal to the Big Pharma company Marks works for.
Catherine falls ill and Jude gaslights her to dissuade her from going to the doctor.
Cabal Leader orders Mr. Jacques, the Europe Section Chief, to “aid” Marks in finding and killing Dres – it’s a competition.
Marks suspects he’s being watched/targeted by his own cabal.
Jude takes Marks up on his offer so that he can infiltrate the cabal.
Episode 4: Jude has to prove himself to get invited into the cabal.
Jude gets the attention of Marks and others who may or may not be involved at a conference.
Jude is contacted anonymously – with a request/threat to prove his intentions.
Jude arrives at the meet in a park after dark… where he’s instructed to destroy all his research on cancer. He does so – and gets no response from the darkness.
Jude has to announce the failure of his research at another conference – it’s a huge career hit and he is berated by Marks.
Dres wants to call off the con against Catherine, but her partner won’t let her.
Episode 5: Marks catches Jude trying to access data he shouldn’t be within the company.
Jude discovers there’s a database only available to executives at the Big Pharma company… which might give him a line on Dres.
Dres tries to head off her partner from continuing the con – but he gets to Catherine when she’s sick and vulnerable, and gets her to trust him… and shut Dres out.
Jude stages a plan to get into the database… but Marks catches him.
The cabal assassins drag Jude, bound and blindfolded, to a meeting – where the Cabal Leader interrogates him on why he’s trying to access their group.
He’s almost killed when he is saved… by Dres.
Episode 6: Dres cons Marks to learn the cabal’s secrets… so she can avenge her mother’s death!
Dres helps Jude get off-grid and recover from the beating he took. She warns him against her partner making moves on Catherine… and has learned of Marks as a way into the cabal.
Jude doesn’t understand why she would want to get closer to the cabal… and can’t ask, because she disappears again.
Jude returns to intercept Dres’s partner… only to find Catherine unconscious and needing the hospital…
…where he still won’t be truthful about what’s wrong with her.
Marks gets caught trying to access files that the Cabal Leader has locked away, has to bluff his way out. Turns out these two have a father-son, mentor-protege relationship.
Marks’s daughter is dying of MS. He’s still being watched by the cabal… has to make a move soon or he’ll be a target.
Episode 7: Jude is let into the cabal, but there’s a rigorous series of tests he must undergo to prove his loyalty to the Cabal Leader.
Jude is let into the cabal, but there’s a rigorous series of tests he must undergo to prove his loyalty to the Cabal Leader.
Marks is in a dangerous spot within the cabal, so in his public persona, he announces his intentions to enter into a deal with an emerging tech company to ensure all Big Pharma companies thrive going forward.
But he doesn’t have a deal lined up. That was just to buy him time to have Drea killed. But he has to deliver in order to have leverage with the cabal.
Dres sets herself up as a tech company genius and gets Marks’s attention… but Marks seduces her to sign the deal right away.
Dres is doing this because the same cabal that’s hunting her killed her mother… and she wants revenge.
Episode 8: Dres’ partner is accidentally killed in her stead… prompting her to return to Jude to combine forces.
Dres’s partner gets to Catherine while Jude is away being tested by the cabal, and cons her into giving him their bank account information.
He’s about to steal their money, when the cabal makes another attempt – and, thinking he is Dres, kills him.
Dres finds the body, is spooked enough to return to Jude. Wants to combine forces to take the cabal down. In return, he can test her blood.
But Jude is being indoctrinated into the cabal and can’t work in the lab until or unless his job is reinstated.
Episode 9: Dres confesses to Catherine that she’s 100 years old and her mom was killed thirty years ago, even though she herself looks 20. Catherine doesn’t believe her… but has memories of history a full century before that.
A detective comes sniffing around the trail of the dead assassin… and has linked the remains to Dres and Catherine.
Jude has to carry out his first assignment for the cabal–erase the data at his old job so no one picks up where he left off and arrives at the same conclusions.
Jude does so – but it pains him. The Cabal Leader points to the kickbacks and comfortable lifestyle he’s used to – he’s been putting profits ahead of the common good for years.
Dres takes Catherine to a museum–to shake their tail, who is either police or cabal. Here, she confesses to Catherine that she’s lived through some of the events before them. She is 100 years old and her mom was killed thirty years ago, even though she herself looks 20.
Catherine acts like she doesn’t believe her… but has memories of history a full century before that… including a fling with the Cabal Leader seventy years ago!
Episode 10: Jude discovers the cabal’s secret: they’ve known about the immortals curing cancer for 100 years – and have been systematically exterminating them to keep the business of cancer in the red.
Catherine confronts Jude about not telling her she has cancer… and it leads to a rift.
Jude is fully accepted into the cabal. They’re all global insurance and Big Pharma execs.
Jude discovers why Dres is the target: the cabal has known immortals can cure cancer for a hundred years… and have been killing them to keep the business of cancer in the red.
Cliffhanger: Catherine rekindles her romance with the Cabal Leader to find out why she’s sick – but it’s a trap to ferret out the traitor in their midst: Jude!
CONCEPT 2:
Episode 1: Darren is a by-the-book FBI Agent, won’t tolerate any of his men violating the rules. Is ethical and moral. Scoleri is a ruthless mob boss about to torture and kill a rat in his organization then go to war with Darren and Feds… when Darren is ordered to stand down, because someone has arranged for Scoleri to enter the presidential race!
Darren discovers his hands are tied by a new law prohibiting federal investigations of people currently running for or holding office.
The law is the brainchild of the sitting POTUS.
Darren quits, leaving Bender to handle the fallout… including restructuring of the Organized Crime Unit, which Bender wants to take control of.
Scoleri and his son/family can’t go anywhere without press hounding them… impossible to run the family crime empire.
Darren visits an injured kid who is struggling physically and financially… has some kind of relationship with him. It seems friendly but there’s a tenseness to it.
Eco is a timid mob lawyer for Scoleri’s business – the only one trustworthy enough and privy to enough of the secrets to run the empire from the shadows and insulate the family. He’s overwhelmed and Scoleri Jr. sees a rival in him.
Darren is depressed, Rebecca his powerful Congresswoman wife feels helpless for him…
When Darren gets the idea to work for POTUS’s campaign and take down Scoleri and POTUS (for creating the law) all in one swoop.
Episode 2: Darren tries to get the campaign to go a certain way, finds he has no power… and the chief of staff won’t let him advance. Scoleri comes to DC and meets the party elite… and doesn’t fit in at all.
Rebecca counsels Darren that politics is like the wild west – the only rule here is don’t get caught.
Darren gets the job and pitches a strategy, only to be shunted aside by the chief of staff.
Scoleri comes to DC and meets the party elite… doesn’t fit in at all.
Darren has Bender keep him in the loop – they continue the investigation off the radar.
Eco struggles to keep the empire running when reports come in that a rival gang is poaching Scoleri’s territory.
Episode 3: Darren tries to find common ground with the campaign chief, but the chief smears him to the press, giving him an out to fire Darren. Scoleri and Scoleri Jr. set about getting dirt or creating it on every member of party leadership to blackmail them.
Darren tries to find common ground with the campaign chief.
The chief smears him to the press, giving him an out to fire Darren.
Bender goes to his and Darren’s old informant—Eco. Wants to know Scoleri’s moves… not realizing Eco is now the de facto leader.
Scoleri and Scoleri Jr. set about getting dirt on every member of party leadership to blackmail them.
But the majority leader is untouchable… so Scoleri uses mob-syle intimidation to get his endorsement.
Only to learn that he’ll need more than party support – the people, particularly in a waterfront city Scoleri himself has decimated, will need to vote for him. And they love the presumptive nominee.
Rebecca chairs a hearing on foreign influence in American businesses… and grills Eco.
Episode 4: Eco must quell a takeover by a rival gang. Scoleri gets the idea of revitalizing the waterfront he himself corrupted for decades. Darren goes around the chief of staff to clue reporters into his own strategy for the President… and is caught.
Eco must quell a takeover by a rival gang, and uses cold logic to keep the peace… which appears to work at first.
Until the rival gang decimates Scoleri’s crew and takes claim of the location… and sets a high rate for Eco to do business as usual.
Darren goes around the chief of staff to clue reporters into his own strategy for the President… and is caught.
The chief of staff is about to fire him when Darren reveals this was all a blind for Darren to access the campaign funds—he’s transferred millions from POTUS’s fund to the presumptive nominee on the other side to prop him up… and he did it under the chief’s access. Uses this as leverage to stay.
Scoleri wanders the waterfront, holds the people in contempt… until he and his bodyguards are robbed by a kid in with a group of hooligans who reminds him of himself.
Eco meets with Rebecca. They know each from sometime in the past… and they enter into an affair.
Episode 5: Scoleri’s rival tries to intimidate him… and succeeds. Darren decides to play dirty – takes down a drug dealer off-duty… and rips off his drugs.
Scoleri’s rival tries to intimidate him… and succeeds.
Darren decides to play dirty – takes down a drug dealer off-duty… and rips off his drugs.
Bender has a gambling addiction. Gets in deep and has no choice but to go to a loan shark.
Eco swoops in to clear Bender’s debt—in return for Bender raiding the rival gang and arresting them, which he does.
It’s a boon for Bender’s career—except Eco owns him. Bender is now his informant within the FBI.
Scoleri’s in danger of having to drop out—when he changes gears. He’s not playing anymore, wants to know who put him in this spot and why.
Episode 6: Scoleri chases down a lead as to who set up this presidential run. Darren does the same… but it’s a setup – they’re on a collision course.
Scoleri chases down a lead from an IT guy on his campaign staff s to who set up this presidential run.
Darren, through Bender, does the same.
But it’s a setup – they’re on a collision course.
The rival gang escapes FBI custody and are gunning for Eco.
Eco tries to use Rebecca to get info on the from Darren’s sources. But she sets a boundary—spouses and business are off limits.
Eco confronts the gang… and ruthlessly kills the crew and torches the drugs they brought in. Then insists that the leader, the only one remaining, works for him and will continue deliveries as scheduled—even though he’s just destroyed a six month supply.
Episode 7: Scoleri is bringing in businesspeople to revitalize the waterfront when he steps into the life of a kid who reminds him of himself… and, moved, decides to go further. Cuts off his drug supply and erects a drug rehabilitation clinic. Shoos away the investors who seek to gentrify – this neighborhood belongs to these people.
Scoleri is brings in businesspeople to revitalize the waterfront…
…when he steps into the life of thekid who robbed him. Gets him out of a gangland jam.
But the kid hates him for what he’s doing. He decides to go further.
Scoleri shoos away the investors who seek to gentrify – this neighborhood belongs to these people.
Eco uses Bender to discover
Episode 8: Darren uses the stolen drugs to set the campaign chief of staff up for drug trafficking, of which he’s innocent. Scoleri sets up a youth center, ceases use of the waterfront area for drug trafficking, and establishes a rehab clinic. Brings businesses in to revitalize but not gentrify. Is seen as a hero… and wins the nomination.
Darren is stonewalled from speaking to the president…
… so he plants the drugs on the chief of staff. Gets him arrested and takes his job. Has the President’s ear. And is exhilarated at the power and freedom.
Scoleri sets up a youth center, ceases use of the waterfront area for drug trafficking, and establishes a rehab clinic.
Scoleri brings businesses in to revitalize but not gentrify.
Is captured on social media and is seen as a hero… and wins the nomination.
Cliffhanger: The one behind all this is Rebecca – flashback shows she’s a Russian spy who was supposed to get intel on the FBI through her husband. At gunpoint, execution for failure, she proposed this plan… to get a puppet in the White House in the form of Scoleri.
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Eric Humble’s Five Seasons
What I learned doing this assignment is: This assignment has given me a lot more clarity on my concepts, because finally working out how the storylines may progress has caused me to focus on the hooks and to feel more confident that no matter how extreme I may choose to go with the big hook of each show, I’ll be able to flesh out a full five seasons’ worth of story even if they’re not used once the shows get produced.
Season One:
Yesterday, he was just an esteemed cancer research specialist. Today, he’s a target–and the ones chasing him are everywhere. Jude enjoys a comfortable life of high income and accolades, reaping the benefits of “the business of cancer”… until his wife contracts inoperable cancer. But Jude has stumbled onto something that may finally provide a cure – an element in a blood sample given by Dres, a homeless con artist. Only problem: someone’s trying to kill Dres – and now Jude as well. To keep his only hope of developing the cure alive, Jude infiltrates a secret cabal operating at the highest echelons of the healthcare and insurance industries. Dres is their target because she is an immortal, over a century old, and the cure for cancer she holds within her will break the cash cow that is the cancer business. She cannot be allowed to survive!
But unbeknownst to anyone, Jude’s wife is also an immortal. Immortals aren’t supposed to get sick, yet here she is, dying… and she needs the kind of answers only the cabal has. Except it’s a trap – to ferret out the traitor in their midst…Jude!
Season Two:
Just as Jude has made it into the inner circle of the cabal, his rival, the powerful CEO Marks, reveals that he has Jude’s wife in captivity. Jude reveals himself to save her, but Marks can’t let him go with what he knows… but he can’t afford to kill him either. So he relegates Jude to the brutal training program of the cabal’s assassins. He’ll be indoctrinated fully into the cabal – if he survives. But as he undergoes an inhumane regimen, he’s inching closer to the cabal’s secrets regarding Dres… including which of the cabal members killed her mother. Because the cabal has been hunting immortal bloodlines for over a century, not only to keep the healthcare business booming, but to control which diseases get cured and which are allowed to run rampant. Whoever controls sickness and cures controls human history.
Finally, Jude is ready to be released into the field… as the cabal’s best-trained assassin. But does he have it in his heart to kill people like Dres and his own wife? It’s then that he discovers the cabal is waging a clandestine war with the immortals across the globe… because immortals only cure diseases for 200 years, then their DNA mutates, making them plague carriers – forever. This is what’s happening to Jude’s wife. Humanity is in jeopardy so long as even one immortal is allowed to live!
Season Three:
The war plays out quietly in seedy backalleys and abandoned buildings across Europe and Asia – and Jude is now the top assassin in the field. But he’s still in league with Dres, still searching for a cure for his wife, and trying to find a way to keep those close to him safe and removed from this fight. But his wife is getting sicker – with more than cancer. She’s carrying some mutated germ that will explode into an unbeatable pandemic unless Jude can contain her somewhere and use his research skills to develop a cure… before it’s too late. Dres is at odds with Jude, who, in her eyes, is now no different than the assassin who killed her mother. And Marks becomes disenchanted with the cabal’s insistence on self-dealing to keep the business in the red as humanity’s survival is at stake. But Jude is able to bring Dres back under his protection as he and his wife work their way up the chain of command to the head of the global cabal – the one pulling all the strings…
It’s Dres’s mother! Long thought dead, she’s actually been using the cabal to take out her immortal peers and clear the field for her ultimate plan: unleashing the pandemic that Jude’s wife holds inside her, designed to kill humans while leaving immortals untouched. Just as Jude has embraced his role in this conflict, he discovers he’s fighting for the wrong side after all! But it’s too late, his wife has already exposed a sizeable number of people to the disease. The pandemic will spread. Humanity will be lost.
Season Four:
Dres’s mother embodies the most dangerous aspect of immortality – she has lived so long that mortal lives are just blips on a timeline to her. Her humanity has drained away and actions are motivated by macro-level thinking… such as, destroy humanity and immortals, the only ones with a direct stake in the survival of this planet, can correct all the things Big Business has done to corrupt it. There is no reasoning with her and she’s too powerful and well-protected to kill. Jude has no choice but to form a splinter cabal of his own – comprised of both humans and immortals – to take her down. But are there enough powerful people who will want to join/finance his operation, or are they all aligned with Dres’s mother? And can he defeat a plan centuries in the making?
His surprising ally is Marks, one-time head of the cabal’s US chapter. Jude and Marks work together and establish a base on Antarctica to keep Jude’s wife – and the pandemic – contained… when Dres’s mother finds them and, bringing her full forces to the continent, declares open warfare. If only Jude’s meager forces were ready… and not starting to succumb to the pandemic…
Season Five:
It’s war at the icy bottom of the world – will the immortals destroy humanity or vice versa? Jude’s small splinter group is waylaid as the disease takes hold, with only Dres and a few immortal allies unaffected. Luckily, Jude’s time as a brilliant medical researcher has allowed him to discover a cure. The bad news? The only way to complete the formula and stamp out the pandemic is to acquire Dres’s mother’s DNA. Dres would be the ideal agent for such a mission – except extracting the DNA would involve killing her own mother, the woman whose death she has been grieving for decades until her recent reappearance.
But Dres, a lifelong con woman who has preyed on innocent people, sides with humanity. The DNA strand allows for the completion of a cure and a vaccine should the disease ever reach the mainland. In the aftermath, Marks stays to establish a safe haven for immortals on Antarctica while Jude becomes a peacemaker and arbitrator between the healthcare community and the businesspeople who stand to lose billions with cures for cancer, etc. widely available…
But there’s still an immortal out there old enough to be seeing present-day life as a blip on the timeline… what will his next move be? Is he the next threat? Is the whole colony that Marks is gathering out in the ice?
Concept Two:
Season 1: (Title?)
Darren, a by-the-book FBI Agent is about to close in on mob boss Scoleri – when, inexplicably, Scoleri is entered into the race for U.S. President by a mysterious website run by persons unknown… and, under a new law, is protected from prosecution so long as he is running for or serving in federal office. Darren’s career is ruined by the collapse of his years-long investigation. He quits the FBI, leaving his partner Bender to handle the fallout… but hatches a new plan. Counseled by his Congresswoman wife Rebecca, Darren joins the sitting president’s campaign for reelection, so that he’ll be in a position to expose their opponent as a gangland thug to the world… when the time is right. But to do this, Darren must get the campaign chief of staff’s job – and the only way to get him out is to set him up for a crime he didn’t commit.
Scoleri, meanwhile, must hide his illicit business from prying watchdogs investigating him as an unknown new player in national politics… all while needing to advance in the race in order to avoid the life sentence awaiting him the second he loses or drops out. But the first step is winning his party’s nomination, over the established and beloved presumptive nominee… whom Darren is now propping up with campaign funds intended for the sitting President. Prior to this, Scoleri would kill his way to the top, but with all eyes on him, he does the unthinkable – uses his fortune to revitalize a waterfront community that he himself has spend decades running into the ground with drugs. Coupled with a little gangland-style blackmail of the party leadership, Scoleri wins the nomination.
But who is behind all this? And what to they hope to gain by forcing Scoleri to keep winning in the race to the White House? Unbeknownst to anyone, the answer is Rebecca. In addition to being a powerful Congresswoman, she’s also a Russian spy, and her goal is to get a puppet in the White House. And if there’s one thing the Kremlin knows it’s how to control a gangster oligarch…
Season 2:
As the party’s unbeloved nominee, Scoleri is now facing the sitting President. Darren, now seated as chief of staff to the campaign, reveals Scoleri’s crimes to the President. Scoleri is a sitting duck. But he has underworld resources and brutal methods to dig up dirt on the President… starting with looking into why exactly the President–along with his cronies in Congress–engineered and passed the bill currently protecting Scoleri from prosecution? It turns out the President embezzled funds from a federal financial institution when he was starting his political career… and wants to ride out the statute of limitations in office. But Darren has also figured this out. His goal: finally nab Scoleri for the gangster he is and blow the whistle on the President for using the law to his own ends… allowing a vicious mobster to go free.
But instead of exposure, Darren blackmails POTUS to announce he’s not running for reelection. In exchange, Darren won’t have Bender or the FBI prosecute him. He gets this done before Scoleri can beat him to the punch… then details who Scoleri is and what he’s done to the world. Scoleri’s prospects in the presidential race are in serious jeopardy.
Then, drunk on the power and freedom from bureaucratic norms, Darren unexpectedly announces his own run for the presidency in POTUS’s stead and forces POTUS to make an endorsement.
Season 3:
It’s Darren vs. Scoleri for the presidency, heading into the home stretch. Darren pummels Scoleri in the polls and on the debate stage. Scoleri is also under threat as his former underling Eco moves to shut him out of his own criminal empire. Feeling defeated, Scoleri returns to his roots, to the neighborhoods he started his empire from… and starts piecing together the way Darren’s investigation into him started—and uncovers that Darren and Bender committed an armed robbery at one of Scoleri’s mob fronts, resulting in the accidental shooting of an innocent kid who worked there… all as a cover to steal intel into his criminal empire. And he’s not the only one walking this trail—the President has detailed his best Secret Service agent to get leverage on Darren and the agent is picking up the trail to the robbery as well.
The agent confronts Darren about what she’s learned… and Darren murders her. It’s the most extreme violation of his rules and he’s both guilt-ridden and exhilarated by the raw power he has. Meanwhile, Scoleri finds the kid Darren shot, who is paralyzed from the waist down… and kills him. Scoleri then stages an elaborate funeral in the old neighborhood, televising it, using it to connect to the people he came up around and apologizing to the nation for his misdeeds. He comes across as genuine and tries to energize the base… but the attempt fails. Everyone is clamoring for an investigation into him. Meanwhile Darren gets away with murder… and pledges that his first act as President will be to have the FBI arrest Scoleri and uncover everyone who aided him in his empire. The public laps it up.
But Rebecca is in hot water with her Russian handler now that Scoleri is losing. She pledges to correct this–but is abducted by her handler’s people. Will she be executed for failure?
Season 4:
A flood of cash is funneled through the mysterious website to Scoleri’s campaign, resulting in a media blitz smearing Darren, hinting at his plan in the robbery and the death of the kid. The people still aren’t in support of Scoleri, but they’re seeing Darren as a villain, too. Darren has been distracted in recent weeks, keeping it quiet that his wife remains missing without a trace. But Scoleri’s turning up the heat. In an attempt to bring the conversation back to Scoleri, Darren uses Bender to spark a gang war between Scoleri’s mob and a Syrian gang… not realizing the gang is affiliated with a terrorist organization who threaten to destroy a major city with a bomb attack. Darren’s gang war has escalated to a real war.
Both Darren and Scoleri have to stop it… because both have inroads into the organization from their previous lives. Darren musters the FBI into action with the inside information he has from setting this thing into motion. But to shield himself from political blowback, Darren throws Bender under the bus, ruining him and putting him under arrest. Scoleri, meanwhile, engaes the terrorist cell with the ruthlessness of a gangster, bringing them under his heel and stopping the bomb attack. Scoleri emerges as a hero, hailed as a diplomat for diffusing the situation–pulling ahead of Darren in the polls…
…when Rebecca, still alive, is released with this order from her handler: don’t interfere with what happens next. Because the Kremlin has never been interested in a puppet POTUS. All the drama Darren and Scoleri have served up has been enough to distract tfrom Russia launching a major offensive on US soil – using thousands of sleeper agents like Rebecca. And that has been the whole point all along.
Season 5:
A Russian invasion is underway, targeting key points of infrastructure across the US, which has been caught unaware and unprepared. Darren wants back in with the FBI to help – but he’s the target of their main investigation now that Rebecca’s status as an agent has been found out. Scoleri convenes a meeting of the major criminal gangs – the Feds aren’t going to be able to handle this, and all the mobs’s money and operations are at stake… the underworld will unite to slaughter these Russians and scare the Kremlin into never doing anything like this again. Scoleri and his underling Eco procure a list of the sleeper agents from Rebecca’s handler – and the mobs do their work in one bloody night… but a TV news crew captures Scoleri violently killing the Russian handler on live TV. He’s done in the Presidential race – and, coming to an epiphany that he needs to do what’s right for the country at this moment, submits himself for arrest… although he’s hailed as a hero for stopping an invasion of the US.
Darren, meanwhile, is under investigation for being the husband of a Russian agent… and for the murder of the secret service agent. He goes on the run… then learns one of the sleeper agents has been assigned to assassinate Rebecca for turning over the list to Scoleri. Darren goes to rescue her, gets in a shootout with Russian agents, and is killed. The sitting president announces his bid for reelection against a new candidate the opposing party is nominating. All is as it should be…
…when a representative of a small Central American country visits Scoleri in jail with an offer – he can get him sprung… if Scoleri is still interested in the presidency… just not one in this country. His country is known for growing drugs. There’s money to be made, so long as they install the right leader. Scoleri considers it from his cell…
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Eric Humble’s Character Descriptions
What I learned doing this assignment is: how interesting my characters can come across just by utilizing the decisions I made for the Bingeworthy Framework. This assignment was very useful in crafting descriptions similar to the way we write query letters in MSC, filled with hooks and interesting aspects of the characters. I’m still struggling a bit with where I want the concept of my second idea to land, so this took me a little longer to do than I had hoped, but I decided for now to keep working with the original information I have on the BWF to see if this gives me any further insights or breakthroughs.
Concept 1:
JUDE:
Jude is a brilliant, esteemed oncology researcher with an expensive lifestyle and a marriage to Catherine that has no secrets. And he’s about to make history when he discovers a blood sample might hold the key to curing cancer, no matter how advanced the stage… But everything changes when he intercepts Catherine’s medical diagnosis… she has inoperable cancer. With the cure just within reach, Jude decides to keep the diagnosis from her – and get the genetic information he needs to make the cure before her cancer takes hold.
But the mysterious blood sample came from Dres, a homeless con artist who refuses to help him… and who is being hunted by people trying to kill her. Jude tracks her through the seedy underbelly of criminals and cons runs in, but his lack of street-smarts puts him in more danger at every turn. He’s desperate to keep Dres safe until he can study her… only to suspect these faceless assassins are taking orders from someone closer to his world, targeting her because of same genetic anomaly he’s after. He charms his way into a position at a Big Pharma company pressuring him to suppress his findings, then goes head-to-head with Marks, the powerful CEO, trying to edge him out and get his job – and his access to whatever cabal is hunting Dresl.
But Jude is now being targeted by the cabal, too. The company’s need for his research is the only thing keeping him alive… but Marks’s own research team is catching up to him. Can Jude outwit them all and develop the cure before it’s too late?
DRES:
Dres is a charismatic, seductive con artist who preys on greedy, lustful corporate execs and manages to live under the radar by constantly moving around… until she finds herself pursued by a cabal of highly-trained, dangerous assassins.
But she has a lifetime’s experience of evading danger… more than a lifetime, in fact. A century’s worth. Because Dres is immortal, capable of living forever unless her life is ended unnaturally, as was her mother’s. When Jude approaches her and seems to have a line on the cabal that killed her mother and is now after her, she gets what info she can from him then disappears to pursue her own course of revenge. She seduces CEO Marks in the guise of a fellow executive who can grant him power… all the while playing a separate con on Jude’s wife Catherine. But when an assassin makes another attempt on her life and she and Catherine kill him in the ensuing fight, she spurs Catherine to dispose of the body and hide the crime – to protect them both.
Now, working at cross purposes to Jude yet partner-in-crime to his wife, she sets about infiltrating the very cabal that’s hunting her, unaware that she’s not their only target. There are other immortals out there who may need the help of one of their own in order to escape this shadowy all-powerful organization.
MARKS:
Marks is a powerful CEO whose decisions are capable of moving markets and affecting billions of people daily… but his life is spinning out of control. His daughter is dying of MS. And he’s in trouble with the secret cabal he’s a member of – his directive was to kill Dres, but the initial attempt was thwarted by Jude, and he’s becoming increasingly paranoid that his mentor, The Cabal Leader, will target him as punishment.
Within the cabal, he finds himself in competition with Mr. Jacques, the head of the European sector, who has tracked another immortal here to New York. He’s desperate to increase his standing, at least in public, so he initiates a deal with a Big Tech company by trying to seduce its CEO… not realizing that she is Drea, running a con on him. He invites Jude into his company ostensibly to keep an eye on him, but then needs to drive his team mercilessly to try and beat Jude to the cure.
But Marks come to believe the Cabal Leader is lying to them. That the immortals can cure more than cancer, can perhaps even cure his daughter. But to get access to the cabal’s hidden records, he will need to usurp the Cabal Leader’s position. To save himself and his daughter, he needs more power than ever, and the key to achieving it is killing Jude and Dres!
CATHERINE:
Catherine is a crusading attorney, analytical, a fighter, with a talent for seeing through lies, who is trying to take down Big Pharma starting with the keystone organization in the industry, Marks’s company. Her marriage to Jude is born out of an all-encompassing love, and the two have no secrets from one another. But she becomes sick – and even though Jude claims it’s nothing to worry about, she’s sensing it’s cancer… perhaps advanced enough that she can’t beat it.
But before she can investigate her suspicions, she’s targeted by Dres, whom she sizes up as a con artist… when both of them are attacked by one of the cabal’s assassins! She and Dres kill the man in the struggle, then decide to destroy the body and cover up the death before it attracts more attention and more attempts on Dres. But the police get wind, putting Catherine in their sites. And the cabal’s members could be anywhere. Meanwhile, her marriage is divided by Jude’s refusal to acknowledge her illness and his gaslighting of her… and by his suddenly taking a job at the very company she’s trying to bring down.
As her illness increases in intensity, and her marriage fragments, she needs answers about her cancer… because she has secrets of her own, after all. Catherine is an immortal like Dres, much older than her—200 years old. And she isn’t supposed to be capable of getting sick. The only one who may have the answers is her lover from 70 years ago… the Leader of the Cabal. If she makes contact, he may open up the cabal’s secrets to her… or he may kill her. But if she’s dying anyway, is it worth the risk?
Concept 2:
DARREN:
Darren is a by-the-book FBI Agent, about to make a career-making bust. When suddenly, the media swarm the place and question Scoleri about his run for President… just as he’s ordered to stand his men down over the radio.
Darren quits the FBI in a rage. Realizes Scoleri is too protected now and ruthless enough to go all the way and win, further increasing his powers… which means the only way to finally catch him is to be there at the end of the line. So he gets a job with the sitting President’s reelection campaign. He’s got two targets for his scheme – reveal Scoleri as a mass murdering mob boss by the time he’s facing the sitting President… and reveal to the world that the sitting President’s law protecting candidates is the reason Scoleri went free in the first place. The only problem, the campaign’s chief of staff sizes him up as having an ulterior motive and sidelines.
It’s going to be a long road to the top of the political ladder, and to get there, Darren will have to cross every ethical line in the book. What he isn’t planning on is how much he’ll enjoy the freedom to be as bad as the bad guys!
SCOLERI:
Armand Scoleri is a ruthless mob boss who kills, runs guns, drugs, and any other illicit good that fetches a high price. He knows FBI Agent Darren is onto him and is girding for all-out war… until a mysterious online presence files paperwork and raises an enormous amount to capital to project him into the Presidential race… without his knowing. For a man used to ruling from the shadows, this would be unconscionable… except for a new law that protects anyone running for Federal office from Federal prosecution–for the duration of their campaign.
Facing a life sentence the second he drops out or loses, Scoleri pivots to establishing a campaign, while secretly trying to identify whoever set him on the course and find out what they want out of it. But to get to the general election, he must first win the party’s nomination over the well-established front-runner. A mobster with no compunction about using mob tactics, Scoleri and his equally ruthless son set about blackmailing everyone in the party leadership to win their undying allegiance. But this is an election, not a gangland takeover – there’s still the obstacle of getting the votes from a huge voting block propping up the presumptive nominee.
And the only way to win them over is to personally revitalize a waterfront neighborhood he’s spent years economically depressing. Can he convince the direct victims of his criminal empire that he’s a “man of the people,” or will he be out of the race – and behind bars – before it even gets in gear?
ECO:
Eco is a timid mob lawyer, far removed from any of the business’s unpleasantness although privy to all its secrets. He finds himself suddenly thrust into being the only choice to run the real family business in Scoleri’s absence – because the entire Scoleri family are being hounded day and night by paparazzi. Eco is out of his depth, but has no choice but to shield the empire from public view while continuing to run it from the shadows.
An independent political watchdog organization starts sniffing around the family’s mobfront businesses immediately. On its heels is a Congressional investigation into foreign influence in American business – headed by none other than Darren’s wife, Rebecca, a high-ranking Congresswoman. But the threats aren’t all from without – Eco has to vie with Scoleri Jr. for control of the empire. And this is dangerous – because, unbeknownst to anyone, Eco was Bender and Darren’s informant throughout the investigation that nearly toppled the organization. But Eco is a survivor and master strategist – and starts playing all sides against the middle.
He turns Bender into his informant inside the FBI. He seduces Rebecca, giving him leverage into the Congressional investigation as well as Darren’s ultimate plan. But when a rival mob makes a play to take over one of Scoleri’s waterfront operations that handles importing drugs, Eco faces his greatest test – can he embrace violence and use real Mafia strength against a dangerous enemy… or is still just a timid bookkeeper at heart?
BENDER:
Bender is Darren’s partner, who finds his own career in jeopardy when Darren quits and he is left to handle the fallout of the Scoleri case.
He wants to salvage some credibility by obtaining the lead position on the Organized Crime Task Force, but now must compete with an esteemed senior officer to get the promotion. Still loyal to Darren, he fulfills his old partner’s request to covertly monitor Scoleri after the case is shelved, going so far as to try and reignite the case by stoking a rival gang into making a play for Scoleri’s turf to draw Scoleri out.
But the pressures of his job and financial insecurity for his family lead to a relapse in his secret addiction: gambling. He puts his family in debt to a loan shark. And finds himself blackmailed by his old informant Eco–who now has the power to bail him out or to destroy him–to spy on his own people, Will Bender betray the FBI to save himself?
REBECCA:
Rebecca is Darren’s loving wife, a powerful Congresswoman who commands fierce respect yet finds herself helpless as her husband’s career craters.
But when Darren hatches his scheme to enter the political world and position himself to defeat Scoleri on the public stage, Rebecca counsels him on how to rise fast. She is placed on a committee to investigate Russian activity in American businesses, which leads her to a fateful reunion with Eco, a lawyer who counseled her years ago during a moment of doubt in her marriage… me this leads to an unforeseen, passionate affair. But Rebecca loves her life and marriage and longs to repair both, if the damage isn’t too great.
If only that life were her own. Because unbeknownst to anyone, Rebecca is a Russian spy. She was nearly executed for failing to infiltrate the FBI’s intelligence through her husband, as she was ordered… and saved her own life by hatching this scheme: she is the one who launched Scoleri’s POTUS run. The endgame: get Scoleri in the White House, because the Kremlin knows how to handle gangsters and will have a puppet ruling the US. Her life hangs in the balance… and the only one who might be able to stop her is her loving husband.
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Eric Humble’s Intriguing Concept and World
What I learned doing this assignment is: I had some huge breakthroughs on this lesson. Noticeably, my second concept has completely changed based on examining the essence of the world and the hook I was originally going for. On re-examining the concept, I realized what I had wasn’t quite strong enough to be truly unique… but on brainstorming the world and subworld, I came up with something much stronger that still fulfills the essence of my original idea but takes things to a more interesting extreme. For my first concept, I realized I didn’t quite have the format correct for this model, so I did some brainstorming on the various elements and created a stronger, more workable version.
Concept One:
A Big Pharma cancer researcher uncovers a conspiracy to exterminate a group of people whose DNA holds the key to curing cancer, changing from company man to renegade as he infiltrates a centuries-old cabal of powerful execs trying to control sickness in order to make healthcare profitable.
The World of This Show:
World: Drug research
Unique Sub-World: The Big Business of healthcare as an ancient cabal
Previously Unexplored: High-powered Pharma execs in the present day and “medicine men” throughout history
The unknown: Controlling cures and illnesses to shape society
The unseen:
Cabal
Genetic research
Unheard of Dangers:
Unregulated clinical drug trials
Finding out a cure they don’t want you to know about
Reason to explore it:
Wife dying of cancer
Another pandemic on the horizon
CONCEPT TWO: A by-the-books FBI Agent goes into the arms-smuggling trade when the gangster he’s been after unexpectedly ascends to the throne of a third-world monarchy. The gangster grows from criminal to king when faced with the responsibility of building a nation, while the FBI agent discovers his own ruthlessness when unfettered from law as he stages a revolution to take the gangster down.
Unique Subworld:
-Gun-running
-Establishing infrastructure in a developing nation
Previously unexplored:
-A monarch using drug lord tactics to make his nation strong on the world stage.
-An FBI agent using law enforcement tactics to stage a coup
The unknown:
-How the monarch will respond when his military is trained like an army of ruthless criminals
The unseen:
-Politics and infrastructure-building in a developing nation
-The seeding of a grassroots revolution
Unheard of Dangers:
-How a gangster will act as ruler of a developing nation
-How an expert on criminology can circumvent the law
Reason to explore it:
-Can a ruthless criminal embrace the culture he abandoned long ago? Can he empower a people when given the level of power he’s always craved?
-Violent revolution is the only way to take down the most ruthless criminal in America
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Eric Humble has completed his BW Framework!
What I learned doing this assignment is: I had more difficulty with this assignment than I initially thought I would, mostly because I tend to overwrite things and had to really work on figuring out the essence of each decision to get it to a manageable length based on the big picture. (It also took me awhile since I’m still working on two separate TV shows.). I was amazed at how many decisions we’ve made so far when I laid them out on the chart! This process also allowed me to have some huge breakthroughs, including possibly changing the concept of one of the shows to elevate it to something with a more interesting and more concise Big Hook… something I wouldn’t have been able to see had I not laid all the information out in front of me in the chart. As such, I’ll be doing some major updates to this document, but I’m really excited by the level I’ve been able to bring that concept. Can’t wait to take all this to Module Two!
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Eric Humble’s Creating Irony!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how powerful a scene/character/plot can become when irony is added to it. For this assignment, I started by listing ideas that already had an inherent irony to them, then brainstormed ways to accentuate the irony. It lead me down some interesting pathways, some of which I’ll use, some I probably won’t, and some which are very scene-specific, which may not be the most useful right now so I’ll likely table those so that I don’t get locked into any specific ideas or scenes at this point. But everything I was able to create in this lesson had an added power to it just by juxtaposing the opposites that showed up.
ASSIGNMENT 1: Mr. Robot
IRONY:
Darlene expresses her love for Elliot by constantly berating and being mean to him.
Elliot is motivated to do Mr. Robot’s hack in order to avenge his father’s death… not realizing
that Mr. Robot is his father.
Elliot has a love/hate relationship with Mr. Robot… not realizing that Mr. Robot is himself.
Elliot does all the heavy lifting to make the hack happen, only to realize he’s created a
Frankenstein’s monster with the movement he’s created, and he now has to stop it.
Tyrell seduces the CTO’s wife to the roof with the intention of having sex and blackmailing her…
only to murder her when he gets carried away.
Tyrell does everything he does to satisfy his ambitious wife, only to have her declare that he’s
dead to her unless he fixes the mess he’s created… while in the hospital with the birth of
their child.
Elliot finally confesses to his psychiatrist that he has hacked her privacy and everyone else’s in
order to move his therapy forward… which calls his future with her into question when
she is appalled by what he’s done.
To get clarity on his relationship with Darlene and to discover anything else he may have
“forgotten,” Elliot’s next hacking victim is himself.
Elliot has a fear of social interaction and suffers from crippling loneliness… yet he has a million
nonstop opinions about society and how to fix it without ever interacting with it.
Mr. Robot is fatherly to Elliot… yet throws him off the pier.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
CONCEPT 1:
Jude needs to cure his patients but he wants to be financially secure… at a level that only Big Pharma kickbacks can provide him.
His patient’s involvement in his clinical trial is in jeopardy because the Pharma company and his insurance are denying him life-saving meds that allow him to be here. Infuriated, Jude wants to quit the kickbacks he gets from them… only to learn he can’t afford any element of his life.
Dres wants to confront the cabal who killed her mother to get revenge but needs to stay hidden from them.
Dres is on the run and hiding from the assassins when she overhears one of them refer to the way a previous target, referred to by code name, was caught and killed… and realizes it was her mom. She starts pursuing the assassin and approaches him to con him out of info… and gets the next name up on the chain.
Marks is one of the most powerful CEOs in the world but is derided and in trouble in his role within the cabal.
Marks makes a decision in a board meeting then watches as global markets are affected by it. Then he goes to the cabal where he is chastized by the leader and everyone is in disarray because of his failure to kill Dres. He pacifies them by fabricating a deal with a tech company that will profit them all.
Catherine heads an organization taking on Big Pharma for treating people inhumanely… then kills a man in self-defense and has to dispose of the body and cover up the crime.
Catherine chastises Marks and the lawyers for the Pharma company because of the inhumane way they’ve allowed her client to suffer with an opioid addiction… then kills a man and has to hire someone to hack him up and bury the pieces in different places throughout the city.
The man isn’t fully dead, wakes up and surprises them. They have to finish him off more brutally than before.
The cabal’s mission is to kill immortals.
Immortals can only be killed by unnatural means: murder, war, accidents. The cabal is dedicated to using these means to keep diseases incurable “for the good of society.”
Jude, a doctor seeking cures for the sick, has to hurt or kill in order to keep Dres safe from her pursuers.
In order to get information out of one of the cabal’s agents, Jude abducts him and injects him with a smallpox sample he was carrying to work to test out on a cure.
Marks is targeting his mentor, the cabal Leader.
Marks appears reverent, obedient, and idolizing of his mentor. But he’s plotting to kill him and take his place.
Dres confides in Catherine with the truth about her immortality. Catherine acts like she doesn’t believe it. In truth, Catherine is also immortal—and is a century older than Dres.
Dres shows her a history timeline in a museum… tells her details about a historical figure a hundred years ago… whom she knew. Catherine dismisses her as crazy until Dres storms off. Then Catherine glances at another historical figure from a hundred years prior…. And corrects the caption because she know more him.
Jude needs to ingratiate himself into the Big Pharma company in order to gain executive access to the resources he needs. To do this, he must destroy the research he’s been working on which just developed an effective medicine to slow cancer.
Dres acts like a well-to-do tech CEO. She is actually homeless and a con artist.
Jude takes Dres everywhere he knows that are totally safe… but the cabal attacks her at each location.
Dres is safest within the completely unsafe homeless/criminal underworld she lives in.
Jude rides the subway to work everyday empathizing with every one he sees—wondering what their medical secrets are—but after he becomes a target of the cabal views the passengers with suspicion.
Jude finally has good news about Catherine’s prognosis… only to have the cabal show up inside his house and threaten to kill her unless he reveals where Drea is.
Jude finally secures Drea’s DNA and the tests results come back—he can make a cure out of this… but comes home to find the cabal inside his house with guns on the unsuspecting Catherine; they’ll kill her unless he gives Dres, the source of the cure, to them.
In order to avoid being chased, Jude and Dres need to keep on the move.
Someone is always shadowing Jude. Same with Dres. They can only meet by moving in random patterns throughout the city… based on an algorithm Jude has developed showing that by random chance, they’ll run into each other seventy percent of the time.
Jude is a cancer researcher whose wife has incurable cancer.
He’s just made a breakthrough in this kind of cancer only for Catherine to contract an inoperable tumor immune from the treatment he just developed.
Jude and Catherine have no secrets. He knows her past relationship while at Oxford in her 20s. She knows he receives money from private Pharma corporations for his research. But these are half-truths… she was at Oxford seventy years ago because she’s immortal. He makes more from the kickbacks than from his prestigious research position.
Jude gets a job at the company Catherine is trying to take down with her business.
Catherine is trying to take down the only Pharma company who could manufacture the potential cure.
Jude gets Dres’s sample and starts manufacturing a beta version of the medicine… when Catherine files a motion that freezes all production until the case is heard in court, which will ruin everything he’s made.
Jude gets a job to use the tracking system, not realizing his new boss Marks is head of the cabal trying to track him to Dres.
Jude sets an elaborate plan to break into the executive tech center housing the tracking system… unaware that Marx is at the system watching Jude’s tracking dot moving throughout the building toward him.
CONCEPT 2:
Darren is a straight-laced, by-the-book FBI Agent… who staged an armed robbery and shot an innocent in order to get the key evidence that started his investigation.
The kid he shot didn’t die… he’s in the hospital, looks to be making a full recovery as Darren looks after him…. Only to suddenly die. Darren is now guilty of murder.
Scoleri is a ruthless murderer and gangster who must help revitalize the poor community and become a hero in their eyes in order to secure the key votes.
The neighborhood he has to revitalize is one he’s spent twenty years economically depressing.
Eco is timid and bookish but now must act as head of the mob and make a major deal with a dangerous drug lord.
The real next-in-line was Scoleri’s son, then another in his family, on down the line—everyone making a joke about Eco being the last in line as “designated survivor”… when they’re all killed in a gas line explosion… leaving Eco as the real designated survivor.
Turns out, Eco engineered the explosion to get the coveted job he always claimed he didn’t want.
Rebecca is Darren’s high school sweetheart and true love… except she’s having an affair with Eco.
She offers to step down from Congress in order to leave DC so he can get away from all this. She’ll do anything for him—and has in the past. Then, after a heated exchange with Eco at a Congressional investigation, she has sex with him in the public restroom…
She met Eco years ago when considering divorce from Darren, and sparks had flown then. Eco advised her to stick with the marriage, but have an abortion for the baby Darren didn’t know she was pregnant with. He’s loomed large over their marriage without Darren ever realizing it.
Rebecca seems to have no secrets beyond the affair… but is actually a Russian spy manipulating the political landscape to get Scolari elected President.
Rebecca is a patriotic Congresswoman on a committee to investigate Russia spying on US elections as well as other international intelligence matters.
Darren joins the sitting President’s reelection campaign to help the President win and Scolari lose… except he’s also plotting the sitting President’s downfall for his role in crafting the law that let Scolari slip through Darren’s fingers.
He pitches an initiative to educate voters on the policies the president has created and enabled. To “sex up” some of them the public might be less aware of. But it’s a plan to highlight—and build the whole campaign around—the one that will be a National embarrassment when it turns out he let a mass murdering gangster escape justice to run for the highest office in the land.
Eco is a mob lawyer put in charge of the mob… but he has a secret habit of finding rats in the organization and helping them escape punishment.
Eco orders the lieutenants to find the rat… but he has already figured out who it is and helps him escape rather than punish directly.
Eco is a mob lawyer who knows all the secrets… yet is secretly an FBI informant.
He’s Bender’s and Darren’s key informant once they started moving up the ladder.
Scoleri scorns everyone from his regal perch… except a young, poor hustler who reminds him of himself at that age.
For all his ambition and need to win the party’s nomination, Scoleri jeopardizes his standing by blowing off a key fundraising event to help the kid out of a jam.
Mob boss has to become a better member of society while the FBI agent trying to catch him becomes a morally-bankrupt monster while entering the political realm.
Scoleri’s motto at the outset: If it doesn’t get it sustain power, it moves out of your way or you move it out of your way. This becomes Darren’s objective by the end.
Scoleri actually gives up power to help the kid… only to discover his generosity has given him a powerful grassroots following.
Bender campaigns and schemes to stay head of the Organized Crime division, only to get forced to be a mole to steal secrets and data for Eco.
Eco was Bender’s informant… now Eco uses Bender’s gambling addiction to make him the informant.
Scoleri is a feared ruler from the shadows in a crime empire… but while he’s immoral, he isn’t unethical.
He won’t betray an underworld ally, even when it’s an easy win to establish his campaign bona fides and not betraying him casts suspicion on his claims of being an honest businessman.
The Middle Eastern drug lord is a vicious, unpredictable killer who operates out of an ancient, tribal mentality.
But he appears to be meek, humble, very Western in his business ethos. When Eco first meets him, the deal looks to be easier than expected to engineer.
Rebecca and Eco enter into an affair.
They cross paths for the first time in years – and are in a screaming match during a hearing when her committee wants to speak with him about his dealings with the Middle Eastern drug lord.
Darren is moving in to arrest Scoleri and the whole mob… when the scene turns into a media frenzy as news gets out that Scoleri is running for president – and has raised more campaign money than any of the contenders of the party.
Darren’s tactical team is armed to the teeth… and Scoleri’s mob is armed to the teeth as well. This isn’t a surprise arrest – Scoleri and his crew are ready for war, with more mob lieutenants en route. Then suddenly, it’s a press conference, where Scoleri has to act calm and rational, and Darren and his team must stand down and back down.
Bender is driven to succeed but is a compulsive gambler, addicted to the riskiest moves available.
He loses huge at gambling the night before, straggles into work to discover he’s being reassigned and losing control of the case… and on top of that, he’s missed his daughter’s school pageant by staying at the casino all night… but instead of accepting the demotion gracefully, he bets large on the barest of rumors he learned from Eco as their informant… that a major Syrian drug lord is being courted by certain gangs. He bets that some sort of meeting is happening today… and when they surveil the place it does. He remains head of the unit.
Eco appears too weak to be a gangster… but this is his tactic to dominate the Middle Eastern drug lord. When he travels to the drug lord’s compound in Syria, surrounded by the drug lord’s private army, he calls in an airstrike that takes out everyone. He’s more ruthless even than Scoleri.
Scoleri warns Eco not to start any violence on their territory. Rebecca does the same, in her capacity in Congress. It appears he’s a sheepish man with no options, when he turns the tables, uses a private air force to kill everyone and bypasses making a deal by simply stealing all the drugs and giving the drug lord’s connections a choice: join us or die.
Alternate idea: Eco gets hold of a nuclear bomb. The drug lord’s original threat: You work for me now. Get out of line and tomorrow there is no Scoleri mob. Eco now counters: I own you and everyone who works for or with you. Anyone steps out of line… and tomorrow there is Syria.
Alternate idea: to show his strength, Eco destroys the drug lord’s labs, poppy fields, etc… then demands the same quota as usual be met by next month or he’ll destroy what little remains of the drug lord’s life.
Darren approaches everything by the book – incorruptible. But once on the campaign team as a low-level canvasser with the campaign chief of staff not even willing to listen to his ideas, Darren stages a sting operation to embroil the chief in a bribery scandal. The incorruptible G men has learned corruption from the best.
Darren tails the chief of staff and catches him taking a bribe… seems conflicted about whether or not to show the other heads of the campaign staff. Opts not to… until the chief himself confronts him and it comes out. The chief is ousted, Darren is held in esteem… then it’s revealed that Darren set the whole thing in motion to set him up.
Darren is watching over the recovery of the wounded kid and relentlessly questioning him about the robbery… but is trying to win his silence so no one (including the kid) will realize Darren is the one who shot him.
Darren interrogates the kid, whom he seems to have befriended—then chases someone suspicious who’s hanging around the hospital… the kid decides to clam up so as not to put himself in danger. Then it’s revealed Darren staged that—doesn’t want the kid talking to anyone.
Scoleri and Darren come face-to-face at a campaign event… and instead of squaring off, they enjoy each other’s company and respect each other’s deviousness so much that they spend the night drinking until dawn.
At their parting on the peaceful, empty Independence Mall, Scoleri orders his men to stand down… revealing three snipers who have had Darren in their sights the whole night. Darren similarly calls off the dogs, revealing he’s had a team of FBI agents who appeared to be annoying tourists shadowing them all night. They’ve never been alone.
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Eric Humble’s Plot and Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is: how much you can layer even the simplest of ideas for your story and characters. Since both of my concepts are thrillers, I’ve been devoting most of the brainstorming in previous lessons to figuring out the Big Intrigue, Big Mystery, and Big Suspense, as we learned in the Thriller Convention 30-Day Class. So I haven’t done much in terms of the cover-ups and more surface layers until now. I discovered in going over what we’ve done in the previous lessons that I have a wealth of material for both concepts and that when I take any element and layer it into cover-up/reveal, I have story for at least an entire season, probably much more for both shows. I had no idea I had this much material so far, so it was a real eye-opener to me how I could bring it all together into a series of layers that will work in conjunction with the mysteries and open loops.
ASSIGNMENT 1: Mr. Robot
Plot Surface: Elliot is recruited by Mr. Robot to join the hacker group fsociety, whose mission Elliot is sympathetic to. He has a kind, empathetic boss, Gideon and a casual relationship with Shayla, his drug dealer. He does drugs but has a handle on them.
Layer 1: Mr. Robot’s plans are crazy and extreme, so Elliot has to temper them.
Layer 2: Gideon is actually suspicious of Elliot being part of the hacks of E Corp.
Layer 3: Shayla actually in love with him and she is his closest connection to people. Discovers this just as his actions get Shayla killed.
Layer 4: Elliot is deeper into drug use and addiction than he seems and, with Shayla dead, has to undergo horrible withdrawal.
Layer 5: He actually is Mr. Robot – which makes his alter ego, whom he’s unconscious of, the unstable, dangerous one… and he can’t trust that side of himself!
Layer 6: The Mr. Robot side of him has succeeded in creating a global movement – which he now has to stop!
Character Surface: Elliot
Layer 1: He is a well-intentioned vigilante hacker. Slight drug habit that’s under control.
Layer 2: He has mental health issues including loneliness and poor social skills.
Layer 3: Deeper into addiction than he thought. Needs to go through withdrawal when his supply is cut off.
Layer 4: He has had a severe psychotic break and has been hallucinating Mr. Robot – because he himself has been the leader of the fsociety the whole time.
Layer 5: He is at odds with the movement his other self helped create.
Character Surface: Mr. Robot
Layer 1: Hacker leader who is fatherly and has a cause Elliot believes in.
Layer 2: His first assignment is to blow up a pipeline, killing innocents but acheiving the data destruction they’re after. He’s crazy and dangerous.
Layer 3: Throws Elliot off the pier, causing hospitalization – he’s not as fatherly as he seemed… at least, not all the time.
Layer 4: Fatherly sometimes, though, because he stays with Elliot throughout his withdrawal.
Layer 5: Mr. Robot is Elliot’s father, thought long-dead!
Layer 6: He’s actually a hallucination representing Elliot’s dark alter ego.
Character Surface: Darlene
Layer 1: Mean, stand-offish fellow hacker who keeps invading Elliot’s privacy, even though he just met her.
Layer 2: Helps him more than the others, is a confidante, albeit an adversarial one.
Layer 3: When they pull off the operation, announces that she loves him.
Layer 4: But freaks out when he kisses her – because she’s his sister!
Layer 5: He hasn’t just met her, they’ve been together since childhood – but he has completely blanked her out until this moment. She is the key to understanding his madness.
Layer 6: Loves him as a sister and is deeply concerned about his mental health amid the global financial crisis they’ve enacted together.
Character Surface: Tyrell Wellick, slick, ambitious, and ultra powerful at E Corp.
Layer 1: Not so powerful – he wants the CTO position, but isn’t even in the running for it.
Layer 2: Uses sex to get access to the people he wants – sex with men and women.
Layer 3: Is married to a woman who is just as power-hungry – or perhaps more so – who uses sex to control him.
Layer 4: Aggressively comes on to the new CTO’s wife in her own house as a way to bait her into being manipulated.
Layer 5: Not in control. While seducing her on the roof, he loses control and murders her instead.
Layer 6: His wife is not loving – upon giving birth to their child, she reveals that she will leave him to the wolves on the spot unless he fixes the mess he got himself into.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
Concept 1:
PLOT LAYERS
Layer: Catherine is sick. Jude examines her, tells her she’s fine.
Layer: She actually has inoperable cancer. Obsessed with solving the unsolvable, Jude is
determined to find a cure for cancer before she realizes she’s sick.
Layer: A blood sample from an affluent donor has properties that could be a cure,
Layer: The donor isn’t affluent – she’s a homeless con artist, Dres. She’s streetwise and can
handle herself.
Layer: She’s actually being targeted by professional killers.
Layer: Dres agrees to submit to testing by Jude if he can keep her safe.
Layer: But she bolts with his personal info – she’s actually just planning on conning him, has no
intention of submitting to anything.
Layer: Dres discovers that Jude, for all his research and philanthropy, is actually receiving
kickbacks to suppress certain findings. He’s ripe for the picking.
Layer: Jude investigates the assassin… he wasn’t acting alone. There’s fringe theories out
there that a global cabal is hunting down and killing people… and Jude suspects it’s
because of the properties in their blood.
Layer: Jude consults with the foremost authority on secret societies – and he thoroughly
debunks it. There is no cabal and never has been, whatever Jude has discovered with
the blood.
Layer: But the cabal exists – currently chasing down two people with the DNA lineages, one in
Europe and one in the US…
Layer: … and Marks is in the cabal, in charge of killing the US-based target. He’s in hot water
with the cabal leader for letting her slip through his fingers.
Layer: Dres sets up a meeting with Catherine… but she’s actually conning her to get access to
her bank account numbers and PINs.
Layer: Another assassin breaks in to try and kill Dres. She and Catherine overpower and
accidentally kill the assassin.
Layer: Marks, needing to increase his status in the cabal uses his position as CEO. Announces
that he’s about to enter into a deal to make his Pharma company globally dominant by courting the head of a small tech company whose IP will be huge in the next decade.
Layer: But he hasn’t made the deal.
Layer: Marks approaches the female CEO to seduce her into making the deal… but it’s Dres,
working another con to get into the cabal.
Layer: Jude discovers the cabal exists – and has existed for over a century, hunting down
people with these lineages which contain healing blood.
Layer: The cabal is a group of global medical experts – and has been for a century – dedicated
to eradicating the lines of immortals who can cure cancer… because cancer has been
huge business worldwide for the medical industry.
CHARACTER LAYERS
Jude
Surface Layer: Idealistic cancer researcher/expert, revered in his field.
Layer: The Pharma company is immoral in principle but above board from a legal standpoint.
Layer: Marks woos Jude and shows him an off-the-books system to track people via their
medications… along with an algorithm to see who needs what and thus which prices to
gouge. Jude is appalled, refuses to work there, returns to his research.
Layer: Jude is actually receiving kickbacks from the Pharma company, the very firm his wife is
working against.
Layer: Jude leaves his research job to accept a position at Marks’s Pharma company,
acting like he’s come to terms with the fact that he’s already profiting from questionable
kickbacks and is ready to make even more money.
Layer: … but really he’s scheming to get access to the firm’s off-the-books tracking data in order
to find Dres again. But only top-level execs have clearance to the system, and Marks
isn’t letting him in.
Layer: Jude conducts research with Marks’s wife. They’re friendly, cordial.
Layer: Once Jude discovers Marks’s wife is also dying, they see eye-to-eye and become
friends.
Layer: But Jude is actually conspiring with Marks’s wife to sabotage the deal he’s making. She
wants him to focus less on the business and more on their time left together. Jude is
trying to replace him at the top.
Dres
Surface Layer: Affluent person who donated blood for research.
Layer: Homeless con artist, street-smart, takes care of herself.
Layer: Ally to Jude.
Layer: Actually sizing Jude up as a mark and plotting to steal his ill-gotten gains via Catherine.
Layer: Dres discovers that the second assassin is attached to a cabal that killed her mother.
She vows revenge.
Layer: She’s actually over a hundred years old, part of a race of immortals.
Marks
Surface Layer: CEO of a Big Pharma company whom Catherine is fighting through her
foundation – because the company is profiting and sending kickbacks to doctors and
researchers to suppress development of life-saving drugs. It’s healthcare as Big
Business.
Layer: Marks appears to be a cold, calculating CEO… but, in fact, his wife is dying of a terminal,
incurable disease. He has a lot at stake in pharmaceutical research.
Layer: Marks is in the cabal, in charge of hunting and killing Dres… and he’s in hot water for
failing.
Layer: The Leader of the cabal is Marks’s mentor and a father figure to him.
Layer: Marks is scheming to get the top spot of the cabal once the Leader dies.
Layer: Marks wants the top spot in the cabal because there are secrets the cabal is hiding from
its members… involving cures, maybe for Marks’s wife.
Layer: Marks has the support of the cabal, due to the Leader’s good graces. One more chance
to prove himself.
Layer: The head of the cabal’s Europe sector is vying for top spot once the Leader dies… and
knows that Marks is getting conned.
Catherine
Surface Layer: Jude’s true-love, dedicated to taking down Big Pharma companies who are
gouging prices on medicines can save lower-income people.
Layer: Dres and Catherine become co-conspirators after killing the assassin, using Drea’s
shady contacts to destroy the body and hide what they’ve done from the police.
Layer: Catherine only had one other true love in her life, who betrayed her. Says she dated this
man in college.
Layer: She attended Oxford university seventy years ago. She’s two hundred years old.
Layer: Her old lover is the Leader of the cabal.
Layer: The assassin who attacked in her firm wasn’t going for Dres, it was targeting her.
Layer: Catherine is the other immortal the cabal is targeting – the one who was last sighted in
Europe.
Layer: Catherine knows she’s dying… which isn’t supposed to happen to an immortal.
Layer: She needs the Leader’s help – and the cabal’s secrets – to find out what is happening to
her.
Concept 2:
PLOT LAYERS:
Surface Layer: Darren is a by-the-books FBI agent who is poised to nail Scoleri’s ruthless mob
organization. He’s got him cold, and the arrest is about to go down…
Layer: When he’s ordered to stand down and a media frenzy descends on what should have
been a mob-hit-in progress.
Layer: Because Scoleri has entered the presidential election race! All the documents and fees
were paid and signed, everything is in order. He’s a contender… and his campaign
coffers are flush with more cash than his established competitors for the party’s
nomination! Scoleri takes questions with grace and is a bit mysterious, leading to
headlines and speculations.
Layer: But Scoleri has no idea what’s happening. All this was done without his knowledge.
Layer: Darren is furious with his superiors – until he learns their hands are tied. There’s a new
law, signed by the President just a few weeks prior, protecting people running for public
office from Federal investigations… until their run ends. The second Scoleri drops out of
the race or loses, they’ll nail.
Layer: Darren quits the FBI in a huff… and gets a low-level job at the campaign to reelect the
President.
Layer: But he’s really working on a plan… he knows Scoleri, knows he’s ruthless enough to
climb his way to the top when he’s cornered like this… and Darren will be waiting for him
with President’s campaign team. He’ll expose and topple him during the Primary… as long as he can get himself into the position as campaign chief by then.
Layer: Scolari shuts down the business. If this is his way out of prison, he’s a presidential
contender now.
Layer: But he actually orders Eco, his mob lawyer, to take over all operations in secret. Gives
him a directive to expand the empire by making a deal with a ruthless Middle Eastern
drug lord – using the eventual weight of the Presidency as bait.
Layer: Scolari needs to bulldoze the playing field of the established politicians he’s competing
against… but plays nice.
Layer: Except he’s still murderous and ruthless… and using gangster-style terror to force them
out of the race, including murder.
CHARACTER LAYERS:
Darren:
Surface Layer: By-the-book FBI man. Always plays by the moral ethical rules.
Layer: Plays dirty to get into the presidential game… blackmails someone with dirt the FBI has
garnered to pressure them into getting him on the campaign staff.
Layer: He likes playing dirty – it’s freeing in a way the rigid FBI rules never were.
Layer: It’s not the only time he’s played dirty. He and Bender started their investigation into
Scoleri by donning ski masks and committing an armed robbery at one of Scoleri’s mob
fronts to get a flash drive laying out the organization. No one got hurt but no one knows
it was them.
Layer: Someone actually did get hurt – Darren shot and killed Scoleri’s nephew during the
“robbery,” not knowing who it was he killed.
Scoleri:
Surface Layer: Ruthless mob boss.
Layer: Smooth-talking businessman-turned candidate.
Layer: Out of the mob business.
Layer: Ruling from the shadows.
Layer: Holds weakness in scorn.
Layer: Grew up in poverty. Was one of the “weak.”
Layer: Starting to connect with the district whose support he’s trying to get – in particular, a poor
kid who is flirting with gang involvement.
Eco:
Surface Layer: Meek mob lawyer.
Layer: FBI informant, able to deal himself out if the hammer comes down.
Layer: Knows Rebecca from his days as a divorce attorney, whom Rebecca went to early in
their marriage. Eco encouraged her to stay with the marriage but get an abortion.
Layer: Is in love with Rebecca now and having an affair with her.
Layer: Doesn’t love her at all – is using the affair to get the flash drive he also has Bender
looking to retrieve.
Layer: Stronger and smarter in business than he looks. Maybe even a rival to Scolari himself.
Bender:
Surface Layer: Affable FBI company man with no ambition.
Layer: Hugely ambitious – wants to take over the racketeering division and stay on the Scolari
case in Darren’s absence.
Layer: Has a gambling addiction.
Layer: Lost the family savings and money he borrowed from a vicious loan shark at the casino.
Layer: Is being blackmailed by Eco over his gambling debts. He’s a mole for Eco.
Layer: He has a mission… secure the flash drive he stole, which is now in his superior officer’s
possession and deliver it to Eco in order for his gambling debts to be forgiven.
Rebecca:
Surface Layer: Darren’s ever-faithful true love.
Layer: Had an abortion that he never knew about early in their marriage.
Layer: Having an affair with Eco. Has had feelings for him since their first meeting.
Layer: Rebecca is behind the website that launched Scoleri’s bid. It was all her doing.
Layer: Is actually a Russian spy.
Layer: Was about to be executed by her handler for failing to get her husband under her control
enough that she can access classified FBI data on Russia (her original mission)… when
she convinces him that she can get something better: the presidency, and eventually the
entire US government.
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Eric Humble’s Big Picture Open Loops
What I learned doing this assignment is: that open loops can take storylines I have in mind for future episodes/arcs and transform them into devices to keep an audience watching. This was a really interesting assignment. I brainstormed many more ideas than I’ll use in the pilot, although most of them will find their way into the plan for future episodes. It was fascinating to think these ideas through using the idea of open loops because I was able to see how I might plant seeds of the storylines or introduce them in such a way that it will point toward the future without the need to go into detail for any of them, and how that might hook a viewer into continuing to watch the show.
ASSIGNMENT 1
Mr. Robot
1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the Big Picture open loops that were established early in the season.
Big Picture Open Loops:
Will their plan to hack Evil Corp work?
Will Elliot and Angela become lovers?
Will Tyrell Wellick become CTO at Evil Corp?
Will Tyrell Wellick get caught for murder?
Will Gideon discover that Elliot is the fsociety hacker?
Will Mr. Robot reveal his true identity to Elliot?
2. Watch the next episode and see how those open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes.
Each of these open loops show up to some degree in each episode and remain open even when something new moves us closer to an answer. We can’t stop watching because each development gives us more curiosity about how these questions will ultimately be answered and keep us in suspense.
ASSIGNMENT 2CONCEPT ONE:
GOALS:
New goals?
Will Jude cure Catherine’s cancer?
Will Marks become a target of the cabal?
Can Catherine and Dres cover up the murder they committed?
Goals related to the big picture?
Will Marks take out the leader of the cabal?
Will Dres avenge her mother’s death?
Can Jude protect Dres from the cabal?
Crushed goals?
Marks is demoted by the cabal leader for failing to kill Dres. Will he get himself restored to his position?
Competition / conflict around goals?
Can Jude cure cancer before Marks’s Pharma company does—and keeps the cure legally off the market and out of reach?
CONSEQUENCES:
Are they going to be caught?
Will Catherine discover Jude has been lying to her about the severity of her illness?
Will Dres get found out as a con woman scamming Marks?
Problems created from past actions?
Will the SEC arrest Jude for kickbacks?
Good plans gone wrong?
Will Dres or her partner complete the con and sting Catherine and Jude out of their money?
SOLVING PROBLEMS:
What is the major problem for this character?
Protect Dres long enough to develop a cancer cure from her DNA.
What are they trying to solve?
Who is after Dres?
Marks needs to know what secrets the cabal leader is guarding?
What is the cabal doing? Who are they targeting and why?
Major change imposed on character?
In order to survive, Dres has to stay off the grid—will she get killed when she surfaces in plain view to con Marks… which broadcasts her all over the media?
Previous solutions cause new problems?
Catherine and Dres divert the police’s suspicions away from them… only to have their cover up attract the attention of the cabal, whose members snoop around demanding answers.
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships in peril?
Catherine and Jude are now lying to each other—she’s covering up the attack and murder and Jude is concealing her cancer. Will the lies tear them apart?
New relationships forming?
Will Jude and Dres become lovers?
Will Catherine and Dres become partners in crime?
Conflict inside relationships?
Marks is scheming to undermine his mentor. The cabal leader is scheming to eliminate Marks. Who will win?
Relationships changing?
Will Jude compromise his ideals now that Marks is his mentor rather than his nemesis!
DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:
Can they survive X?
Can Dre’s survive the cabal?
Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions?
Is Jude a match for the professional assassins he’s taking on?
Can Jude infiltrate the cabal or will he get killed in the attempt?
Who else is pulled into their danger?
Dres’ partner is being tailed by the cabal—will he be killed or turned?
Will Marks’s dying wife be targeted by the cabal?
Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)?
Will Catherine become addicted to painkillers as she self treats her illlness?
2. Tell us your top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot.
Will Jude cure Catherine’s cancer?
Can Jude protect Dres from the cabal?/Is he a match for the professional assassins he’s taking on?
Can Catherine and Dres cover up the murder they committed?
Will Catherine discover Jude has been lying to her about the severity of her illness?
Marks is scheming to undermine his mentor. The cabal leader is scheming to eliminate Marks. Who will win?
Will Jude and Dres become lovers?
Can Jude cure cancer before Marks’s Pharma company does—and keeps the cure legally off the market and out of reach?
CONCEPT TWO:
GOALS:
New goals?
Will Scoleri win the primary?
Will Darren become the chief of staff?
Will Eco command the underworld’s respect as de facto leader of the mafia?
Can Scoleri win over politicians and constituents?
Goals related to the big picture?
Will Darren ever nail Scoleri?
Will Scoleri discover the identity of the person who launched the campaign?
Will Darren discover the identity of the person who launched the campaign?
Crushed goals?
Can Darren ever expose and arrest Scoleri?
Can Darren tear down the politician who created the law currently protecting Scoleri?
Competition / conflict around goals?
Will Darren sabotage Scoleri’s chances?
Will Scoleri win the district’s support over his established rival?
CONSEQUENCES:
Are they going to be caught?
Will the chief of staff discover who Darren really is as he attempts to usurp the chief’s job?
Will Scoleri’s rival discover his true identity as a gangster?
Will the reporter discover who Scoleri is?
Will Bender get found out as a mole for Eco?
Will Darren discover Eco is having an affair with Rebecca?
Problems created from past actions?
Will Darren’s lethal armed robbery be discovered by Eco? By the FBI?
Will Eco discover Scoleri is the one who killed his brother?
Good plans gone wrong?
Can Darren find his way back to a position of influence once he’s stuck campaigning on the road as an intern by the chief of staff?
Can Eco salvage a takeover of the Saudi drug operation after being shown up by the Saudis?
SOLVING PROBLEMS:
What is the major problem for this character?
Scoleri only knows how to achieve power through terror and violence… but now must court constituents through compassion? Can he?
Darren plays by the book… can he cross enough moral and ethical lines to get to a position of power enough to expose and nab Scoleri while simultaneously taking down the president who wrote this predicament into law?
What are they trying to solve?
Who set this in motion? Why?
Major change imposed on character?
Mob boss to presidential candidate?
Straight-arrow G Man to cutthroat political operative?
Loving wife to adulterer?
Timid mob lawyer to mafia don?
Previous solutions cause new problems?
Darren joins the campaign to head off Scoleri and take down the current president… but is relegated to a starter position. Can he work his way up in time to be effective?
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships in peril?
Will Darren’s marriage survive Rebecca’s affair?
Can Eco remain in Scoleri’s esteem if he jeopardizes the organization?
New relationships forming?
Bender and Eco… will Bender get turned from unwitting mole to willing mafia informer?
Rebecca and Eco — will this relationship become stronger than Rebecca and Darren?
Conflict inside relationships?
Rebecca having an affair—will Darren find out? Will it break them?
Relationships changing?
Darren and Bender—best friends/colleagues to outsider and insider… will they keep secrets from one another? Will they become adversaries as Darren’s long game plays out?
DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:
Can they survive X?
The motives of the one who put this in motion are unclear—is Scoleri marching into danger the more he succeeds in getting elected?
Eco knows Darren was close to nabbing them all—he’s keeping tabs on Darren and will have his men kill him if he makes another move toward the organization… will Darren survive?
Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions?
Bender is spying on the FBI to retrieve the flash drive he and Darren stole—will he be found out?
Will Darren’s family be taken out as collateral damage in his war with Scoleri?
Will the rival gang or Saudi drug gang kill Eco? Eco’s lover Rebecca? Scoleri?
Who else is pulled into their danger?
Rebecca is being tailed by Eco’s enemies.
Scoleri’s lieutenants are thrust into the spotlight as staffers—will they expose everything to the press?
Darren is putting the chief of staff, his rival, in the crosshairs of the mob now run by Eco. Will he be killed? Will Darren let him be killed just to advance himself?
Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)?
Bender’s gambling addiction makes him prey to Eco. Can he get the money legitimately in order to free himself of Eco’s extortion?
Darren’s need to complete the original mission causes him to act rashly and over ambitiously… will he put himself in more danger from this?
2. Tell us your top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot.
Will Eco command the underworld’s respect as de facto leader of the mafia?
Will Scoleri win the primary?/Can he win over politicians and constituents committed to supporting his rival?
Will Darren ever nail Scoleri?
Can Darren tear down the politician who created the law currently protecting Scoleri?
Scoleri knows Darren was close to nabbing them all—he’s keeping tabs on Darren and will have his men kill him if he makes another move toward the organization… will Darren survive?
Who set this in motion? Why?
Darren and Bender—best friends/colleagues to outsider and insider… will they keep secrets from one another? Will they become adversaries as Darren’s long game plays out?
Darren plays by the book… can he cross enough moral and ethical lines to get to a position of power enough to expose and nab Scoleri while simultaneously taking down the president who wrote this predicament into law?
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Eric Humble’s Show Mysteries
What I learned doing this assignment is: This assignment gave me some huge breakthroughs and a wealth of ideas to play out throughout the first season and probably multiple seasons of the show. It really clarified for me how to create a mystery, something I’ve struggled with in the past, which was a huge breakthrough and made the process of breaking down the Big Intrigue and deciding which parts will be given to the audience upfront and which will be withheld, much easier. I already had in mind most of the mysteries I ended up using – especially the Shocking Event Mystery for both ideas… but in brainstorming ideas for all of the characters, I was able to come up some great ideas for smaller intrigues and mysteries to play out for each of them – and, most significantly, I was able to solve a problem I’ve about the main mystery for the second concept, concerning who exactly set up the mob boss to run for president and why. I came up with a great layer that wasn’t even on my radar concerning a character that at the start of this I didn’t think would even be that significant a role. That whole second concept is really coming together in a way I hadn’t envisioned before this process. I can’t wait to build on each of these ideas!
ASSIGNMENT ONE: Mr. Robot
SHOCKING EVENT MYSTERY: Who is “fsociety” and why are they targeting E Corp?
Shocking event: Major hack at E Corp with a message for Elliot inside the code.
Secret: Mr. Robot left it there as a way to recruit Elliot to his crew.
Investigation: Elliot meets Mr. Robot’s crew, cyberstalks and cyber investigates their headquarters, and questions Mr. Robot directly about his motives. But who is Mr. Robot and what is his real interest in Elliot?
OVER TIME MYSTERY:
-What is Mr. Robot’s real interest in Elliot?
-Who is Tyrell Wellick really and how far will his ambitions take him?
-Why is Elliot in court-appointed therapy?
ASSIGNMENT TWO:
Concept One:
Main characters
What events from the main character’s past could be hidden?
-Dres is hundreds of years old.
-Catherine is even older and is supposed to be immortal… doesn’t understand how she’s sick with cancer.
-Marks hunted and killed Drea’s mother as his initiation mission into the cabal.
-The head of the cabal was Catherine’s lover seventy years ago—until he betrayed and tried to kill her.
-Jude falsified the data of the breakthrough that launched his career… and which he’s being honored for.
-Marks is a member of a secret society dedicated to hunting and killing a race of immortals whose DNA holds the cure for cancer.
What could the main character’s current situation be covering up?
-Jude knows that Catherine has inoperable terminal cancer but isn’t telling her in the hopes that he can cure it before it’s too late.
-Dres is conning Catherine to steal from her foundation.
-Marks is outwardly the CEO of a major Big Pharma company—but secretly a member of the cabal.
-Catherine kills an assassin—and has to cover it up to shield herself and Dres.
-Catherine knows that the assassin was targeting her. Dres (and we) think he was targeting Dres.
2. Shocking event
What shocking events could disrupt their reality?
-Jude is looking for Dres to investigate the miraculous properties of a blood sample… when an assassin tries to kill her.
-Dres is trying to con Cather, about to get access to her financial system… when an assassin bursts in and attacks. In the struggle, Catherine and Dres kill the assassin.
What shocking experience or event could be under the surface?
-The IRS is investigating cancer researchers who have received off-the-books kickbacks from Big Pharma companies… and Jude is one of those people.
-A Board Meeting at the Pharma Company turns into a cabal meeting after the “regular” board members leave… and they plot to kill a member of the hunted familial lines who has finally blipped onto their radar.
3. Cover up
Pretend the current story or parts of it are the cover up for something major. What could the current events be covering up?
-Dres appears to be conning Catherine for money… but is actually seeking help because she suspects Catherine is one of her kind.
-There’s another cabal—one dedicated to protecting the immortals in the hopes of using their DNA for scientific achievement… and Catherine’s foundation is the front for it.
-The cabal claims to be hunting these people to suppress a cure for cancer in order to keep Big Medicine and Big Pharma in the red…. But they’re actually doing it to locate a secret lab their order used to engineer the immortals centuries ago, whose location was lost in an uprising.
Pretend each main character has a mystery in their past. What could it be?
-Jude’s father murdered his mother, claiming it was to prevent her from suffering from cancer… but Jude has always wondered whether his mother actually did have cancer.
-Catherine used to be Jack the Ripper 200 years ago.
-Dres’s mother was murdered in front of her by an assassin just like the one hunting her now… has been trying to solve it to get revenge ever since.
-Someone is trying to set up Marks for a consequential professional fail… and when he keeps thwarting it, they eventually start trying to kill him in an “accident.”
1. Create your Shocking Event Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Shocking Event: Jude tracks down Dres to investigate anomalies in a blood sample she gave… when someone tries to kill her.
B. Secret: There’s a powerful, secret cabal which has existed for a hundred years dedicated to hunting down people whose DNA contains the key for curing cancer… because cancer is big business for the health insurance and Big Pharma industries.
C. Investigation:
What: Targeting Dres
When: Assassin comes after her when Jude confronts her in the middle of a scam she’s trying to run
Where: NYC, present day… but the cabal works across the globe, and has for a century
How: Highly-trained assassins, who can be anywhere at any time.
Part Withheld:
Who: Secret cabal which Marks is a member of
Why: Because Dres is two hundred years old and is one of the genetic lines that can cure cancer… and, unbeknownst to the cabal, many other ailments as well.
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Cover up: Catherine, Jude’s wife, is dying of inoperable cancer… and Jude is keeping that from her.
B. Secret: Catherine is the only other known person with the genetic lines being tracked by the cabal’s Europe sector… but her identity is still unknown to them. She is two hundred years old, and used to be the lover of the head of the cabal seventy years ago… when he tried to kill her.
C. Reveals:
What: European assassin comes after her… but she and Dres kill him in the struggle. Dres assumes he was another assassin targeting her.
When: Just as Dres and her partner are working a con on her.
Where: At her foundation office.
How: The assassin tries to kill her in the ladies’ room. Dres and Catherine overpower and kill him with his own weapon.
Part Withheld:
Who: Catherine is the only other known person being tracked by the cabal’s Europe sector.
Why: She is two hundred years old, and used to be the lover of the head of the cabal seventy years ago… when he tried to kill her.
Concept Two:
Main characters
What events from the main character’s past could be hidden?
-Darren killed an innocent person in a shootout that made him a hero and advanced his career… but he never got caught.
-Scoleri knifed Eco’s brother to death but has never told Eco, as he’s his most trusted bodyguard.
-Eco starter his career as a divorce attorney, whom Rebecca went to early in their marriage. Eco encouraged her to stay with the marriage but get an abortion.
-Bender impregnated a hooker after getting drunk in Vegas.
-Rebecca had an abortion that even Darren doesn’t know about.
What could the main character’s current situation be covering up?
-Darren is concealing who he is when he goes for the job with the campaign.
-Scoleri is covering up that he’s a gangster.
-Eco is covering up that he located a mole and let him live.
-Bender is covering up a massive gambling debt he’s accrued.
-Rebecca is covering up who her affair is with. (Eco)
2. Shocking event
What shocking events could disrupt their reality?
-Darren’s operation to imminently arrest Scoleri is called off with the announcement that Scoleri is running for President.
-Scoleri is suddenly thrust into the international spotlight and forced to run for president—and win—in order to avoid arrest… all because a mysterious website has registered him, filed the paperwork, and raised millions for his campaign.
-Eco is forced to become the de facto mob ruler when Scoleri takes on the campaign.
-Bender loses the family savings and money he borrowed from a vicious loan shark at the casino.
-Rebecca enters into an affair with Eco when Darren pulls his gun and it goes off in the midst of a drunken rant.
What shocking experience or event could be under the surface?
-Darren has gotten this close to Scoleri’s operation by following the book every step – except for one key thing: his way into the operation was by he and Bender breaking into a mob-controlled check-cashing business, stealing the money to make it look like petty robbery was the motive… but while they were there, they hacked the computer system and downloaded the financial records of the entire operation.
-Scoleri was about to kill a rival mob boss right there in the room when the press storm happened and the arrest was halted… so he’s been forced to abduct him–and still has him captive in the house, which is now under 24-hour press coverage.
-Eco was handling a negotiation with some rival gangsters – but it was actually a hit with snipers aiming everywhere.
-Bender is handling one of the tactical units about to swoop in and nail Scoleri – but holds his men back, claiming there’s interference by civilians… but in actuality, a Secret Service team is keeping his men from acting by holding them at gunpoint. Scoleri is now protected.
-Rebecca is about to be executed by her handler for failing to get her husband under her control enough that she can access classified FBI data on Russia (her original mission)… when she convinces him that she can get something better: the presidency, and eventually the entire US government.
3. Cover up
Pretend the current story or parts of it are the cover up for something major. What could the current events be covering up?
-Darren knows his wife is a Russian agent… and has been recruited by the CIA to thwart her endgame.
-Scoleri has become addicted to pain meds… and has resorted to stealing from his own drug dealers to obtain the drugs and keep it quiet from the rest of the business and his family.
-Eco appears to be actually in love with Rebecca… but is actually after the data her husband stole which is the only way his business deal overseas will work.
-Bender appears to be overly ambitious and seeking to get the scoop on the new commanding agent – but he’s actually being blackmailed by Eco over his gambling debts to reacquire the data he and Darren stole from the mob-fronted business… because it contains more than financial records. It contains data he needs to get leverage over a Middle Eastern druglord he’s going to need to do business with in order to expand the empire.
-Rebecca is a Russian agent and she is behind the website that kicked off the campaign – her mission is to gain control of the US Government as a puppet regime of Russia… step one: install someone they can control as President. And Russia knows how to control gangsters, who are people cutthroat enough to get to the presidency but dependent on power and money, which the Russians can supply enough to keep them acquiescent.
Pretend each main character has a mystery in their past. What could it be?
-Darren met Rebecca when he saved her from a mugging… but when he investigated the mugger on his own, the guy didn’t seem to be a mugger at all… he was a professional. Darren has never been able to find him and has always suspected there was more to the encounter than met the eye. In fact, it was a set up to get Russian agent Rebecca to be romanced by Darren, who always plays the hero when given the chance.
-Scoleri’s empire is being targeted by a rival gangster… but which one? There are three families big enough to compete with him.
-Eco’s father was murdered for being a stool pigeon in the previous generation of the Scoleri mob… who was the lieutenant who killed him? Scoleri himself, one of his first assignments for the family business.
-Bender seems to be stalked by an angry young boy. Who is he? Unbeknownst to Bender, he got a hooker pregnant while drunk and despondent over a big loss in Vegas (or celebration over a big win) years ago… this is his son.
-Rebecca’s failure to secure FBI data stems from her genuinely falling in love with Darren… but she also is being investigated by someone who may be FBI or CIA who is getting close to unmasking her. But she doesn’t know who it is – just that it has to be someone close to her, part of her inner circle. Who? (Bender’s wife)
1. Create your Shocking Event Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Shocking Event: Just as Scoleri is about to pull off a major hit himself… with Darren and a tactical team waiting to arrest him just outside… a website announces to the world that Scoleri is running for President… with the paperwork filed and more campaign money than all his primary rivals combined waiting in an account. A new law halts any criminal investigation for a person running for public office until the campaign process (or tenure in office) is complete, forcing Darren to suspend his investigation and forcing Scoleri into the international spotlight as a contender.
B. Secret: This operation has been launched by Russia to put someone in the White House who can be controlled enough to do the Kremlin’s bidding.
C. Investigation: Both Scoleri and Darren embark on investigations to figure out who did this and why.
What: All the paperwork is properly filed, dark money in excess of $100 million is sitting in a bank vault – and a press conference has been announced immediately to introduce Scoleri and his platform to the world
When: This was timed to go live just before an arrest was made to keep Scoleri under the protection of the new law.
Where: At the dockyards where Scoleri was just about to kill a rival gangster whom he suspected has been targeting Scoleri’s businesses.
How: The website is created and blasts out to press agencies what’s going on – gets everything filed just under the deadline.
Part Withheld:
Who: Rebecca is a Russian agent. This is her operation, and she’s the one who runs the website and filed the paperwork.
Why: A gangster is cutthroat enough to make it to the office when his survival is at stake, and Russia has experience when it comes to controlling gangsters.
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Cover up: Darren’s investigation to nab Scoleri was the most comprehensive Organized Crime case in the history of the FBI. He did everything strictly by the book and has him cold.
B. Secret: Darren did one thing that breached the rules: to get his initial “in” into the organization, he and Bender staged an armed robbery at a mob-fronted check cashing facility, stole the money to make it look like robbery was the real motive… but their actual target was to hack the computers and steal financial records that mapped out the entire Scoleri organization. What he doesn’t know is that the data (which he keeps on a drive in his home safe) also has key info Scoleri wants to use to blackmail a Middle Eastern drug lord in order to expand the empire overseas.
C. Reveals:
Who: Darren and Bender
When: Two years ago, before they officially started the investigation
Where: A check-cashing facility in a poor section of town
Why: Obtained key financial data that set them on the trail of breaking the crime empire
Part Withheld:
What: Staged an armed robbery of Scoleri’s check-cashing facility
How: They charged in with guns… and Darren shot and killed one of the workers there, a teen who excelled in school and didn’t even realize he was working for the mob.
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Eric Humble’s Show Empathy/Distress
What I learned doing this assignment is: how creating big-picture empathy/distress creates the possibility of strong storylines as well as deepens the audience’s connection with the characters. This lesson has given me some huge breakthroughs. For years I’ve wondered how to properly write anti-heroes and less-than-heroic characters, and I’ve often received feedback stating that my characters weren’t likeable or didn’t come across as I’ve intended… even to the extant that a lot of characters I wrote whom I’ve considered tragic were received by readers as “comical.” The aspect of creating empathy with distress has really changed that around – I’m looking back at many of my old influences (movies like Taxi Driver and shows like Breaking Bad) and it’s like seeing them with new eyes as I now understand it’s the level of distress that bonds the audience with the character and ushers us empathetically on their journey, even if we don’t “like” them or the choices they’re making. This lesson alone has continued to give me breakthroughs in the past few days – I’m so excited to see how I can apply this to my scripts and elevate them!
ASSIGNMENT ONE:
Mr. Robot
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Elliot runs out of morphine and has to suffer through withdrawal
Mr. Robot throws Elliot off the boardwalk, hospitalizing him, for no real reason
Elliot pulls off the impossible hack to break the drug dealer out of prison only to discover the dealer has already killed Shayla
B. External Character conflicts.
Angela discovers Elliot has been sleeping with Shayla, even though his feelings are deeper for Angela
C. Plot intruding on life.
Mr. Robot’s plans involve Elliot interacting with people
Impossible hacks: destroy the data at Steel Mountain without blowing anyone up, break the drug dealer out of prison with one day’s notice, interact with Tyrell and not blow his cover
D. Moral dilemmas.
Mr. Robot wants to destroy the data storage by blowing up a pipeline, killing many innocents… or Elliot will have to go into the building and plant a device to harmlessly destroy the data but he’ll be exposed
Angela is hacked and has to decide whether to infect her company’s servers to keep them from ruining her life
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Elliot has to go on-site and interact with people to plant the device that will destroy the data
Elliot has to break the drug dealer out of prison in order to save Shayla
ASSIGNMENT TWO:
Concept One:
Jude:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Wife is dying of inoperable cancer
Cure for cancer is right in his grasp, but he has to help Dres in her criminal enterprises to get it
B. External Character conflicts.
Hunted and chased by professional assassins
Targeted by con artist Easy
C. Plot intruding on life.
Must synthesize a cure for cancer – and to that, must find and get Dres’s cooperation
Must infiltrate the Big Pharma company to gain admission to the cabal
Must hide Dres to keep her safe from the assassins – even as she’s continuing to put herself in danger by working on cons
D. Moral dilemmas.
Tell his wife of her condition or hide it from her
Lie to his wife to get her acquiescence as he treats her symptoms
Has a breakthrough in cancer treatment that can save a person, but the new company he’s working at to infiltrate it won’t allow him to use it
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Works for the rival company whose philosophy is all bottom-line
Dres:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Hunted for extermination because of her DNA
B. External Character conflicts.
Jude is using her to get her DNA sample so he can cure cancer – but won’t pay her and can’t be trusted to keep her safe after he gets what he wants
Cops and cabal are both after her once she kills the assassin
Easy needs the money from the con – and won’t fold the con after she calls it off
C. Plot intruding on life.
Tries to con Catherine and Jude, but ends up liking them
Kills an assassin in Catherine’s business and then has to help her cover it up so neither will get caught
D. Moral dilemmas.
Con the man who is helping keep her safe and his dying wife?
Betray Easy, her partner in crime?
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Get involved in the lives of her marks
Seduce the man involved in her mother’s murder
Catherine:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Terminal cancer
Husband lying to her about her condition
Unable to treat her own cancer after years of fighting Big Pharma to get others access to care
B. External Character conflicts.
Kills an assassin with Dres
Police investigating the disappearance of the assassin
Cabal sniffing around after the assassin is killed, making threats against her and her family
C. Plot intruding on life.
Needs to hide or destroy the assassin’s body
D. Moral dilemmas.
Tell her husband everything that’s happened, or keep it a secret
Confess to her husband that she is like Dres, an immortal – and doesn’t know why she’s suddenly very sick – or keep her secret
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Sleep with someone in exchange for getting the dead body taken care of
Place her trust in Easy, whom she inherently distrusts, to protect Dres
Marks:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
After a lifetime of service and compromising moral actions, he’s being sidelined – and possibly targeted for extermination by his own cabal
B. External Character conflicts.
Head of the European sector is trying to get his job
Leader of the cabal no longer trusts him after he asks access to the cabal’s hidden secrets
C. Plot intruding on life.
Must locate Dres before the rest of the cabal does
Has to see if Dres’s DNA can cure his own wife’s non-cancerous terminal illness
D. Moral dilemmas.
Kill Dres as ordered and retain his position and his life or secret her away for experimentation and become the cabal’s next target
Experimenting on Dres will be painful and akin to torture
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Kill his mentor, the cabal leader, to survive
Concept Two:
Darren:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
His meticulous years-long case against Scoleri is scuttled in an instant.
Family is danger now that Scoleri knows who he is
B. External Character conflicts.
Vies for control of the campaign from the existing campaign manager
Wants to expose Scoleri to make him drop our of the race
Wants to set up his candidate to fail by exposing that the candidate’s bill is what’s allowing a mass murderer to run for president
C. Plot intruding on life.
Quits job and must get into the powerful candidate’s high-level existing campaign… and get one of the top jobs with no experience
Must undermine the powerful sitting governor he’s working for to expose his bill’s cost to public safety
D. Moral dilemmas.
Destroy an honorable primary opponent’s life just to win
Set up the campaign manager for a crime he didn’t commit just to get him out of the way
Is starting to enjoy the cutthroat antics accepted in the political game
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Cut an informant loose to be killed on the streets after he vowed protection
Scoleri:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Put in the international spotlight, which could expose his criminal enterprise… and his family, whom he has shielded even from other gangsters his whole life
Has to go all the way and win the presidency or he’ll be arrested immediately – and he doesn’t know who has put him in this position or what they way out of it… there’s another shoe that’s going to drop somewhere
B. External Character conflicts.
The mysterious person or people behind the site that launched his presidential run is actively feeding info about a murder and graft he committed to his primary rival
A reporter is digging up who he really is
C. Plot intruding on life.
He must gain favor with a poor district in order to have a shot at the polls – so he has to revitalize the entire neighborhood in a month’s time by bringing in jobs, infrastructure, and massive amounts of legit investments
D. Moral dilemmas.
To stay in the game, he must betray one of his longest-serving, most-trusting lieutenants to take the fall for the things that his rival and the journalist are investigating
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Help build up the people he’s been exploiting
Let a rival gangster blackmail him out of a huge part of his operation – one which he’s emotionally-connected to, as it is where he started – in order for his silence
Eco:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Has to run the crime empire in Scoleri’s absence… and deal with dangerous people and make life-or-death decisions, even though he’s used to working at a distance from such things.
B. External Character conflicts.
Journalist uncovers a connection between the presidential campaign and front business Eco is managing… and Eco has to keep it all hidden
C. Plot intruding on life.
Eco has to run the illegal side of the business but doesn’t have the stomach for the day-to-day gangster lifestyle
Eco has to close a deal to secure European-manufactured drugs, but the suppliers are playing hardball and trying to take over Scoleri’s business in his absence
D. Moral dilemmas.
Eco discovers a rat in the organization and is compelled to protect him rather than have him whacked
Having an affair with the wife of the agent who could bust them all… but has vowed not to talk about his business or her husband’s
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Has to kill someone himself to show strength – someone within the organization he’s close with
Bender:
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Struggles with compulsive gambling and mounting debt
B. External Character conflicts.
Ordered to stand down on the Scoleri investigation – but takes it up again on the sly anyway – pitting him against the FBI Director
Clashes with another agent taking over Darren’s files as he starts to pick up the closed investigations and supply info to Darren, who no longer has clearance
C. Plot intruding on life.
Must square his debts
Must make back money he lost on gambling – with more gambling
D. Moral dilemmas.
Become a stoolie for the gangsters and rat on his FBI colleagues/investigations or subject his family to torture and death to erase the debt
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Plants a bug in the FBI Director’s office
Rats on the Feds
Doxes Darren – all to cover his debt and to cover his own misdeeds that he’s already done for the gangsters
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Eric Humble’s Show Relationship Map
What I learned doing this assignment is: that the relationships between the various characters can be as fascinating as the characters themselves. I really tried to push some of these relationships to extremes that I didn’t initially think would work for my two concepts, and discovered that when I did this, the relationship itself made things interesting and generated the potential for story ideas as much as some of the exercises we’ve done for individual characters. They took the characters and possible storylines in unexpected directions, and made some very intriguing pathways for the show to take. Every day I feel like we’re getting new ways to generate stories and to ensure that our characters have depth enough to sustain multiple seasons of a series.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Elliot. 1.) Mr. Robot. 2.) Tyrell. 3.) Angela
Surface: 1.)Hacker boss. 2.)Exec/avowed enemy. 3.) Childhood friend/coworker
Common Ground: 1.) Both are brilliant hackers who want to tear apart society and the wealth gap. 2.) Both are expert hackers/cybersecurity specialists 3.) Both are cybersecurity techs, both trying to make it as young, single, living in the city
Conflict: 1.) Manipulates Elliot, keeps him in the dark about plans, plans operations more dangerous and harmful than Elliot is willing to be part of. 2.) Holds power in the conglomerate he has vowed to take down 3.) Unrequited love, has a boyfriend
History: 1.) Baited Elliot with the first hack – and seduced him with it to leave the infected server intact. 2.) Had the same job and still loves Linux; offered Elliot a lucrative job after he played a role in setting up the head of IT, a job Tyrell covets. 3.) Shared childhood trauma – both had parents who got cancer from E Corp
Subtext: 1.) Manipulates Elliot 2.) Suspicious of Elliot, wants him under his control or out of the picture entirely. 3.) Long-simmering feelings even though both are involved with other people
Relationship Arc: 1.) Enemies to co-conspirators. 2.) Mutual respect to enemies. 3.) Friends to ——- (haven’t seen the end of the season yet)
ASSIGNMENT 2:
CONCEPT 1:
Jude. 1.) Dres. 2. ) Marks. 3. )Catherine
Surface: 1.) Research patient. 2.) Colleague. 3.) Wife
Common Ground: 1.) Both have been targeted by a shadowy cabal. 2.) Both work in cancer research, both prosper off the healthcare/insurance system; both have spouses who are terminally sick. 3.) True loves
Conflict: 1.) Doesn’t want his help, hiding from him; he’s trying to manipulate her into letting him experiment with her DNA 2.) Part of the cabal hunting Dres; stifling cancer research to maximize drug profits – doesn’t want a cure, wants to keep “the cancer business” booming
3.) Hiding that she killed a man who tried to target Dres (or perhaps herself) in her business. Suspicious that Jude isn’t telling her everything about her ailments.
History: 1.) Jude saves her life when an assassin comes after her. 2.) Classmates who rose together in the oncology research community. 3.) Catherine’s true love – after hundreds of years walking the earth.
Subtext: 1.) He is conning Dres to get her DNA; she is conning him to get money enough to escape 2.) Jude works for Marks to infiltrate his company so he can use their tracking algorithm to find Dres. 3.) Keeping her in the dark about how serious her cancer is… in the hopes that he can find a cure.
Relationship Arc: 1.) From distrustful to partners on the run. 2.) From mutual respect to hunter/prey. 3.) From deep intimacy to suspicion on both sides
Marks. 1.) Jude. 2.) Mr. Jacques. 3.) Mynath
Surface: 1.) Colleague/employee. 2.) Cabal rival – European opposite number. 3.) Cabal leader
Common Ground: 1.) Both work in cancer research, both prosper off the healthcare/insurance system; both have spouses who are terminally sick. 2.) Cabal members committed to exterminating the lineages to keep the cancer business in the red. 3.) Both share in the principles of big business and deregulation, both believe that cancer is a cash cow threatened by these people; both have sacrificed a normal life to this cause
Conflict: 1.) In charge of hunting Dres; – and Jude, who is helping her. 2.) Mr. Jacques has a better track record at hunting the lineage members – and is being groomed to take over Marks’s territory. 3.) Edging Marks out because he’s threatened by his ambition; blackmailing him into compliance with evidence of the crimes he’s committed for the cabal
History: 1.) Classmates who rose together in the oncology research community. 2.) Rival businessmen – Mr. Jacques beat out Marks for a lucrative business deal that has given his company a global edge over Marks’s. 3.) Mynath was Marks’s mentor who brought him into this cabal and this belief – and who made him enormously wealthy
Subtext: 1.) Tracking the person helping Dres – once he discovers it’s Jude, acts like nothing’s up but tracks him with orders to kill him. 2.) Marks is trying to keep his job, wealth, position – and his life. Mr. Jacques is trying to edge him out to the point where a hit will be put out on him.
3.) Marks is trying to mutiny so that he’ll have access to all the cabal’s secrets; Mynath fears Marks may overtake him – or perhaps even kill him.
Relationship Arc: 1.) From mutual respect to hunter/prey. 2.) From allies to cutthroat rivals
3.) From protege to mutineer
Dres. 1.) Jude. 2.) Catherine. 3.) Easy
Surface: 1.) Con artist/thief whose DNA holds the secret Jude is looking for. 2.) Mark in her con
3.) Fellow con artist
Common Ground: 1.) Both are being targeted by a shadowy organization. 2.) Both are involved in covering up the death of an assassin who targeted one of them. 3.) Both are thieves/con artists who know how to run the streets
Conflict: 1.) Needs to get Drea’s DNA to develop a cure – through trickery, coercion, or force
2.) Need to work together to cover up the killing, but neither trusts that the other won’t turn them in. 3.) Easy wants to continue the con of bilking Catherine and Jude, but Dres needs Catherine on her side and is starting to feel that Jude is her only hope of surviving the cabal
History: 1.) Jude has saved her life once already. 2.) Unbeknownst to Dres, Catherine is of the same immortal lineages. 3.) Longtime friends, occasional lovers, co-conspirators
Subtext: 1.) She needs his help but will betray him at the drop of a hat. He’s out to manipulate her but is willing to risk his life to protect her. 2.) Co-conspirators. 3.) Plotting a con together which Easy isn’t ready to drop even when Dres starts developing feelings for both marks, Catherine and Jude
Relationship Arc: 1.) From distrustful to partners on the run. 2.) From con woman/mark to partners-in-crime. 3.) From partners-in-crime to at war with one another
CONCEPT 2:
Darren. 1.) Scoleri. 2.) Bender. 3.) Rebecca
Surface: 1.) Mob boss Darren is trying to take down. 2.)Best friend, colleague. 3.)Wife, soul mate, life partner
Common Ground: 1.) Both professionals, unbending, principled; both fish out of water in politics. 2.)Both FBI agents, trying to make their careers on organized crime busts. 3.) Supportive, common values, partners in parenting
Conflict: 1.) Darren will do anything to take Scoleri down; Scoleri will do anything to avoid arrest. 2.) Bender breaks rules to achieve what he wants, which Darren won’t do. 3.) Rebecca is having an affair with someone… Darren doesn’t know who.
History: 1.) Darren has been after Scoleri fir a decade, and his doggedness has earned him Scoleri’s respect. 2.) Bender and Darren have made the organized crime unit what it is. They are the young faces of the FBI. 3.) College sweethearts, an unbreakable couple… until Rebecca’s fling.
Subtext: 1.) Scoleri is hiding his true business from the public – but knows that Darren knows his secret. 2.) Bender sabotages his own investigation because his gambling debts have put him under Scoleri’s thumb. 3.)Rebecca is concealing that her lover is Eco.
Relationship Arc: 1.) From sworn enemies to political rivals. 2.)From best friends to betrayers
From soul mates to separated
Scoleri. 1.) Darren. 2.) Eco. 3.) Detweiler
Surface: 1.) Fed trying to take him down. 2.) Scoleri’s mob lawyer/face of the organization. 3.) Sitting governor and primary rival
Common Ground: 1.) Both professionals, unbending, principled; both fish out of water in politics 2.) Both dedicated to the organization, both obsessed with finding whoever’s pulling the strings on this. 3.) Both are fighters; both believe in brute strength, both are surrounded by betrayers
Conflict: 1.) Darren will do anything to take Scoleri down; Scoleri will do anything to avoid arrest. 2.) Scoler wants to kill his way towards whoever is doing this; Eco wants to ease up in order to make the deal. 3.) Trying to win… at all costs
History: 1.) Darren has been after Scoleri fir a decade, and his doggedness has earned him Scoleri’s respect. 2.) They broke into the crime world together – Eco has been his right-hand man since they were kids. 3.)Governor used to be a prosecutor who came after Scoleri… until Scoleri bought him off.
Subtext: 1.) Scoleri is hiding his true business from the public – but knows that Darren knows his secret. 2.) Scheming – they’re in a conspiracy together to expand the empire with this presidential run. 3.) Both have leverage on the other – it’s a game of chicken,
Relationship Arc: 1.) From sworn enemies to political rivals. 2.)From trusting to distrustful
3.) From political rivals to killer/victim
Eco. 1.) Scoleri. 2.) Darren. 3.) Rebecca
Surface: 1.) Scoleri’s mob lawyer/face of the organization. 2.) Biggest threat to exposing the organization; his lover’s husband. 3.) Lover
Common Ground: 1.) Both dedicated to the organization, both obsessed with finding whoever’s pulling the strings on this. 2.) Both are caught between the rigid structures of their organizations and their ambition to break free of the rules. 3.) Both are in danger from this relationship; both feel stuck in their comfortable lives but are unprepared for the shifts that are about to happen in those lives
Conflict: 1.) Scoleri wants to kill his way towards whoever is doing this; Eco wants to ease up in order to make the deal. 2.) Having an affair with Darren’s wife; in charge of sheltering the organization from exposure – while Darren is using his extensive knowledge of the organization to expose it to the world. 3.) Needs information about Darren’s plans, but Rebecca refuses to get in the middle of their business
History: 1.) They broke into the crime world together – Eco has been his right-hand man since they were kids. 2.) Darren built his case around a crucial error Eco made. 3.) They met once in an elevator at the courthouse and there was an undeniable spark – another chance meeting led to their affair
Subtext: 1.) Scheming – they’re in a conspiracy together to expand the empire with this presidential run. 2.) Conspiring to debunk all of Darren’s claims; covertly seeing his wife. 3.) Is open about her affair but won’t divulge who she’s seeing
Relationship Arc: 1.) From trusting to distrustful. 2.) From adversaries to rivals in a love triangle. 3.) From an affair with rules to a scorched-earth relationship
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Eric Humble’s Character Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to create a set of emotions and potential reactions my characters can have which will make them consistent and interesting in any situation. This was a really interesting assignment in that I’ve never considered the emotions before deciding on the challenging situations to put my characters into. This approach will make it easier and more interesting to challenge their “old ways” in a transformational story, because the emotions are based mostly on the characters’s flaws and intrigue. I’m excited to see how this helps focus the process of brainstorming the challenging situations of the series and episodes!
Assignment One – Mr. Robot
Elliot
A. Situational:
Hope: To take down E Corp
Fear: Getting caught as a hacker
B. Motivation:
Want: to protect those around him from emotional or physical pain
Need: To be social and form relationships
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Anti-social, rage against people and corporations
Public Mask: Socially awkward IT wunderkind
D. Weaknesses
Can’t connect with people in person; rushes to judgment and makes assumptions; lonely
E. Triggers
People acting differently than their public image; people deceiving the people he cares about
F. Coping Mechanism
Does morphine; hacks people online then blackmails them to leave their victims alone
Mr. Robot
A. Situational:
Hope: To take down E Corp and redistribute its wealth
Fear: His ring of hackers getting caught
B. Motivation:
Want: To “free” society from the economics that own them
Need: To prove he’s different from his father
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Rage against society
Public Mask: Mischievous hacker
D. Weaknesses:
Needs control; needs loyalty; doesn’t like to be questioned or second-guessed
E. Triggers:
Betrayal; noncompliance
F. Coping Mechanism:
Plays nice/plays mind games with Elliot
Assignment Two:
CONCEPT ONE:
Jude:
A. Situational:
Hope: Create a cure for cancer from Dres’s DNA
Fear: His wife will die before he can make the cure
B. Motivation:
Want: To find Dres and get her cooperation in his studies
Need: To save his wife before it’s too late
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Sees himself as a failure; shame
Public Mask: Driven, successful in all things
D. Weaknesses:
Loner – won’t accept help; greedy, enjoys the comforts of his ill-gotten income, easily bought; he’s intelligent, but not as worldly as he thinks
E. Triggers:
Failure; disobedience; people acting smarter than he is
F. Coping Mechanism:
Retreats to his lab; sabotages himself to get “punished” either through humiliation or physically beaten up
Marks:
A. Situational:
Hope: To catch Dres
Fear: She’ll slip through his fingers and the Cabal will kill him for his failure
B. Motivation:
Want: To usurp control of the Cabal
Need: To prove himself as the best
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Feels powerless
Public Mask: Hyper-controlling, micromanaging
D. Weaknesses:
Competitive; violent temper
E. Triggers:
Being lied to; being challenged
F. Coping Mechanism:
Drives his underlings harder; employs more brutal methods than are called for; threatens
Dres:
A. Situational:
Hope: To escape the cabal
Fear: Getting captured and killed
B. Motivation:
Want: To get revenge on the people who killed her mother
Need: To find a purpose in her life beyond what’s in her blood
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: People need to be better or they deserve what they get
Public Mask: Sprightly small-time con artist/thief
D. Weaknesses:
Reckless; overly confident; revenge-driven
E. Triggers:
Seeing powerful people prey on the weak; people trying to take advantage of her; people hurting women
F. Coping Mechanism:
Steals from them, cons them into public humiliation – fights back through thievery and con games
Catherine:
A. Situational:
Hope: To break the healthcare/insurance complex to make free healthcare for all
Fear: Getting found out as being the recipient of kickbacks
B. Motivation:
Want: To reveal the Big Pharma company’s policy of stopping cures through price-gouging
Need: To discover what she’s sick from
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: All people are liars
Public Mask: Empathetic – listens to and believes everyone
D. Weaknesses:
Skeptical; distrustful
E. Triggers:
Being lied to; seeing people suffer from diseases that can be cured
F. Coping Mechanism:
Analyze – coldly calculates, asks advice, examines the situation from all sides
CONCEPT TWO:
Darren:
A. Situational:
Hope: To turn public favor against Scoleri so he’ll be out of the race and vulnerable to arrest
Fear: That Scoleri will win the election
B. Motivation:
Want: To arrest and convict Scoleri
Need: To be unfettered by rules and ethics
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: The system is broken
Public Mask: Super-ethical straight-arrow Fed
D. Weaknesses:
Entitlement; rage
E. Triggers:
Losing; corruption in the system; unfairness
F. Coping Mechanism:
Lies, covers up, obfuscates
Scoleri:
A. Situational:
Hope: To win the election
Fear: Exposure of his criminal empire
B. Motivation:
Want: To avoid arrest
Need: To expand his power overseas
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Everyone’s out for himself
Public Mask: Magnanimous “man of the people”
D. Weaknesses:
Kill-or-be-killed worldview; looks down on people he doesn’t see as “worthy”
E. Triggers:
Challenge to his authority; people acting smarter than him
F. Coping Mechanism:
Finds someone he can destroy – and destroys them mercilessly
Eco:
A. Situational:
Hope: To keep the crime empire shielded
Fear: Jail time
B. Motivation:
Want: To keep people from realizing who Scoleri really is
Need: To protect himself from arrest
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: We’re all vulnerable
Public Mask: Confident, smooth operator who is never rattled
D. Weaknesses:
Looks out for himself; has mercy on informants even when it puts him and the business in greater danger of exposure
E. Triggers:
Competition, people informing, anyone getting close to learning or exposing the truth
F. Coping Mechanism:
Misdirects, changes the subject, gives himself time to strategize
Bender:
A. Situational:
Hope: To take down Scoleri’s empire
Fear: Getting fired or demoted
B. Motivation:
Want: To advance his career
Need: To get financial security for his family
C. Mask:
Base Negative Emotion: Desperate – for money, security, advancement
Public Mask: Even-tempered order taker
D. Weaknesses:
Gambling addiction, afraid of failing
E. Triggers:
People out for his job or position; anyone offering to take a bet
F. Coping Mechanism:
Gambles; makes bold, reckless moves – gambling as to whether they’ll succeed
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Eric Humble’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is: that there can always be more layers for a character, which can have a huge impact on the story. This was an eye-opening exercise. While I won’t be using everything I brainstormed here for my two concepts, I was able to envision the potential for a massive amount of story and plot twists simply by thinking about what these characters may be concealing. My main characters were designed with some layers of intrigue at the outset, so some of these were easy to discover, but it was interesting to see what happened when I pushed deeper with my questions for them. The real eye-opener was on the peripheral characters in my inner circle, the two characters in each story which aren’t the direct protagonist or antagonist. I hadn’t given these characters any thought until now, but now that I’ve done the assignment, they are coming into focus as deep characters whose intrigue layers will have huge implications for the story.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the places you’ve already seen Character Intrigue in the previous episodes.
Elliot
Role: Cybersecurity expert by day and hacker “protector” by night
Hidden agendas: He is helping Mr. Robot take down E Corp even as, by day, he’s protecting it from hacking.
Competition: He is in competition with Darlene to be the head hacker in Mr. Robot’s organization. A natural competition exists between them.
Conspiracies: He is conspiring with Mr. Robot’s hacker organization to take down E Corp.
Secrets: Secretly hacks everyone he knows and everyone else they associate with and plays God with their lives ostensibly to protect those closest to him from harm
Deception: He deceives his boss that he has left one of the servers corrupted and that he’s given them false data to frame the dead of IT security at E Corp.
Wound: His father died of cancer contracted at his job at E Corp, where he worked. He wants to take down society because of this.
Secret Identity: Cybersecurity tech by day but an expert hacker by night
Mr. Robot
Role: Mysterious leader of “FSociety,” a hacker ring out to redistribute wealth by toppline E Corp
Hidden agendas: His grand plan is known only to him, and he manipulates Elliot by only parceling out small pieces of the plan.
Competition: He’s competing with Elliot’s boss for Elliot’s loyalty and honesty.
Conspiracies: He is working with his hacker group to destroy various aspects of E Corp one by one.
Secrets: His grand plan, motivation, and ultimate plan for Elliot are secrets he keeps to himself.
Deception: He acts as both friend and foe to Elliot, messing with his mind to ultimately gain his trust and obedience.
Wound: His father was a thief who was caught and arrested. He aims to live a life of true freedom where being caught isn’t an option.
Secret Identity: He pretends to be a wino begging for change around the city but is actually a master hacker outlaw.
2. Watch the next episode and see how Character Intrigue is being used to create the need to see more episodes.
Each of the intriguing aspects of these characters creates open loops, suspense, and reveals that draw us in further. Every time we learn more of Mr. Robot’s plan, we’re fascinated to watch whether it happens – especially when his plan goes from justifiable (the tech exec is fatuous and a jerk, so it’s somewhat justifiable for him to be set up) to horrific (he plans to blow up an oil pipeline to destroy the neighboring E Corp offices without regard to the workers there or people living in the surrounding area).
Similarly, every time Elliot becomes a hacker “protector,” we wonder if he’ll be found out by his friends, who will likely be appalled and shun him. We are empathetic to his dual loyalties to fsociety’s mission and to his company’s mission, and we empathize with his motivations for wanting to destroy E Corp… but his hidden agenda makes him vulnerable to exposure and puts him at real risk of being in the crosshairs of a powerful organization. Every action he takes with regard to intrigue demands that we watch another episode to see either whether it will work, whether he’ll be found out, or what the true layer actually is.
ASSIGNMENT 2
1. For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply.
CONCEPT ONE: An oncologist discovers there’s a strain of DNA in a small group of people which is the key to curing cancer, and Big Pharma has known about it for decades… and has been systematically hunting down and exterminating these people, because cancer is big business.
Character Name: Jude
Role: Oncology researcher trying to find a cure for wife Catherine’s inoperable cancer
Hidden agendas: Joins the staff of Marks’s pharmaceutical company in order to use their resources to find Dres
Competition: Has to beat Marks for the Board of Directors’s favor in order to be awarded access to the company’s unrestricted database
Conspiracies: Jude and Marks’s wife, who is also gravely ill with a disease other than cancer, conspire to wreck the major acquisition deal he’s working on… to humiliate him in front of the Board and get him fired from the top job.
Secrets: He’s keeping his wife’s terminal diagnosis a secret from her.
-He discovers a cure for Marks’s wife… but keeps it a secret from her, Marks, and the world because revealing it would take him out of consideration for the records job that will allow him to track Dres.
Deception: Makes Catherine believe her illness isn’t cancer—that it’s something treatable.
-Makes Dres believe he works for a drug company conducting trials that will pay her if she’ll be a part of them (even before he gets the job at the Pharma company)
-Fakes his research findings to get the job at the Pharma company
Wound: Brother committed suicide when they were in high school because he was being bullied by a gang of kids in masks… and blames himself because he couldn’t figure out who they were. Has an obsessive need to figure out impossible problems and identities of people up to no good.
Secret Identity: Acts like he’s an advocate for free health insurance for all… but is secretly in the pocket of the Big Pharma and Big Insurance companies and has been gouging patients to get kickbacks. Even Catherine doesn’t know about this.
Character Name: Marks
Role: CEO of Big Pharma company who is secretly a member of a cabal out to eradicate the carriers of DNA that can cure cancer
Hidden agendas: Marks wants to solidify his hold on the cabal by making his Big Pharma firm the biggest conglomerate in the world… by seducing the female CEO of a burgeoning tech firm whose IP will be industry standard in the next ten years.
-Marks is planning to abduct Dres and experiment on her to develop a cure for his own wife instead of killing her as is his mandate.
Competition: Marks wants to overthrow the Grand Leader of the cabal – because he wants total, exclusive access to the data on lineages containing the DNA.
-Marks is competing with another in the cabal, who is in charge of exterminating the lineage DNA holders in Europe. This other member is viewed as more powerful and efficient, and thus is first in line to succeed the leader of the cabal, a position Marks needs in order to unlock all of the cabal’s secrets and hopefully save his wife.
Conspiracies: Marks is tasked with finding and exterminating the last two in the United States who hold the lineage DNA – Dres and another, who is unidentified. He
Secrets: He has experimented on Dres’s blood and discovered that the cabal is lying to its own members… the DNA doesn’t just hold the cure to cancer, but to all diseases, including Marks’s wife’s. He knows this, but isn’t divulging that he knows to anyone, especially the cabal’s other members.
Deception: He seduces the CEO of the tech firm into thinking he’s in love with her and will marry her as soon as his wife dies, but he’s actually just using her to make his company more powerful – and thus gain the favor of the cabal leader.
Wound: Marks comes from poverty, of which he’s ashamed. He left his poor family behind – he has a mother, father, and sister who live in poverty and squalor down south, whom he pretends don’t exist… but his father needs money for an operation, and his sister has surfaced here, hounding him for it.
Secret Identity: Pretends he’s faithful to the cabal, but he actually is the one who is secretly leaking information to Jude – hoping to have Jude do the legwork to find Dres and expose the cabal so that Marks can get access to the data on all the lineages when the cabal falls.
Character Name: Dres
Role: Homeless petty thief and con artist who is targeted by the mysterious cabal for reasons unknown to her.
Hidden agendas: She wants to con Jude out of his money… and sets up a sting to do so… only to change course once she realizes he has an in with the Big Pharma company – and instead uses the con to get him to spy on Marks from the inside for her.
Competition: Dres and her con artist cohort are both after Jude – she wants him to spy on the company for her so she can get an in with Marks, her associate wants Jude’s money and is still after the original con. She needs to undercut her associate, who in turn is trying to “out” her!
Conspiracies: She conspires with another thief in her circle to con Jude by making herself out to be an FDA investigator looking into his off-the-book kickbacks from Big Pharma and insurance companies – trying to get him to isolate his earnings into a separate account that she and her cohort will then empty for themselves.
Secrets: Dres is immortal, as are everyone who has this same lineage. She, like her mother before her, isn’t a descendant of a 14th century plague survivor – she is the survivor. And as such, she has life experience far beyond what any living person has.
Deception: She pretends to be the CEO of a Big Tech firm and allows Marks to seduce her, in order to merge their companies… but she’s actually using him to access the cabal so she can kill them.
-She pretends to accepts Jude’s help – but is actually using him to access the cabal so she can kill them.
Wound: Her mother was murdered – by the same cabal! She wants revenge, and is blinded in pursuit of revenge.
Secret Identity: Acts like she’s the CEO of the boutique tech firm who has fallen head-over-heels with Marks, acts like an unwitting patient with Jude, acts like an FDA agent auditing Jude… acts like a homeless petty thief who suffers occasional delusions, which she is – but unbeknownst to even her close associate in the con artist world, her delusions are real – she has lived countless lives over the course of seven hundred years.
Character Name: Catherine
Role: Jude’s wife, dying of cancer but doesn’t know it
Hidden agendas: Catherine discovers that Jude has been making a huge portion of their income through off-the-books kickbacks – and must move the money before her own firm discovers she’s the pinnacle of the very thing she’s trying to stop in this industry.
Competition: Catherine wants to stay the head of her small activist organization, but her protege is out to usurp leadership now that she’s ailing. She has to retain her position even if it means cutting down the woman who has looked up to her for years – and vice versa!
Conspiracies: Catherine and Dres conspire to find out the identity of Dres’s would-be assassin, who dies attempting to kill her in Catherine’s office.
Secrets: Catherine agrees to undergo a radical new drug therapy Marks is spearheading, without telling Jude. Jude doesn’t know she suspects her sickness is as serious as it is.
Deception: Catherine has to deceive the police when she and Dres kill the would-be assassin in her office. They cover up that they were the ones who killed him… and she covers up from Dres that she believes she was target, not Dres!
Wound: Catherine was once the lover of the Grand Leader of the cabal, when he was a much younger man, but he used their relationship to find and kill one of her kin, whom he believed to be the last of the line. She doesn’t accept lying in a relationship, even from Jude, whom she trusts and loves above all others.
Secret Identity: Catherine appears to be exactly who she is – but she’s actually the second target of the cabal… and she also has been walking this earth for eight hundred years! But now she’s dying of this cancer… and doesn’t understand how that’s possible, since the DNA strain has been the reason for her immortality.
CONCEPT TWO: Just as an FBI agent is about to arrest a mob boss, an anonymous website sets up a full-out Presidential campaign for the mob boss and raises billions of dollars, making him the heavy favorite to win… and shielding him from prosecution until the election is over.
Character Name: Darren
Role: Ethical FBI agent whose op — and career — are destroyed when Scoleri runs for president.
Hidden agendas: Joins the sitting president’s campaign team as an advisor with the overt agenda of taking down Scoleri—while also revealing to the voting public his own candidate’s policy as the reason a mass-murdering gangster can go scott free just because he’s running for President.
Competition: He’s competing for the job of chief of staff with the current chief of staff—and has to backstab and manipulate his way to get the President’s ear.
Conspiracies: Darren enters into a conspiracy with Bender to use a confidential informant to disinform Eco about a rival gang, sparking a gang war to make Scoleri show his true, murderous colors.
Secrets: Darren made one misstep during the otherwise by-the-book operation… while tailing the mob lawyer who could have blown the whole op, he ran off the road — and Darren could have saved him but instead watched him die.
Deception: Darren deceives the President into publicly supporting Scoleri’s rival in the primary race to spur him to show his more ruthless side… but puts the president in
Wound: Dad was an undercover FBI agent killed by the mob when his cover was blown. When it comes to agents in danger, he makes reckless decisions to keep them safe… something Scoleri figures out about him.
Secret Identity: Acts like a seasoned political advisor, but is actually on a mission to take Scoleri down publicly and ruin the president’s reelection chances when the public realizes the danger his law has put them in.
Character Name: Scoleri
Role: mob boss forced to run for President and win to stave off imminent arrest
Hidden agendas: seeks to expand his criminal empire overseas using the connections with prominent world leaders he suddenly has access to, even while laboring to appear law-abiding to the public
Competition: is competing with the front-runner for his party, who is well-know, entrenched, and well-funded by the political establishment… to defeat him to win the party’s nomination, he must outwit him at every turn—and win over his backers
Conspiracies: Scoleri and Eco conspire to destroy his rival for the party’s nomination, not by finding a weak point in him, but by finding dirt on everyone in the party leadership supporting him and squeezing them to abandon him.
Secrets: Scoleri is keeping it secret that he personally killed a rival thirty years ago… who was his young protégé’s grandfather. It’s a cold case a reporter is just now sniffing into.
Deception: puts up a legitimate front for his empire and has to constantly dodge a reporter who is uncovering that his business isn’t what he says it is.
Wound: Scoleri grew up poor like his protege in the small town… and was ruthless in his rise. When anyone takes advantage of someone poor but ambitious, his fierce anger at his upbringing causes him to be overly violent and unpredictable.
Secret Identity: projects an outwardly law-abiding image as a successful businessman but is actually a mob boss
Character Name: Eco
Role: Scoleri’s mob lawyer tasked with running the crime empire and the Presidential campaign — and erasing any trace that Scoleri is a criminal.
Hidden agendas: Eco is establishing a legitimate front for the empire but his agenda is actually to expand the crime empire into the European drug market.
Competition: Eco is competing with Scoleri’s son, who wants a bigger role in the family business.
Conspiracies: Eco conspires with a Secret Service agent to take down Scoleri’s primary rival by revealing that he frequents a strip mall massage parlor for sexual services – by staging a robbery at the strip mall while the rival is inside… a big enough story for all the media to cover it.
Secrets: Eco is (and has been) an FBI informant, ratting out small aspects of the business to be able to deal his way out of arrest should the day come.
Deception: Eco is deceiving an independent watchdog organization looking into Scoleri’s business dealings – hiding all of the criminal enterprises with legitimate business fronts.
Wound: The uncle who raised Eco was murdered for ratting to the Feds. Eco is paranoid about being found out for being an informant, and moves to shield “rats” he discovers within the organization so that they won’t be found out and executed by Scoleri.
Secret Identity: Eco is a mob lawyer who acts outwardly like a campaign and business manager and tax attorney.
Character Name: Bender
Role: FBI agent and best friend to Darren who is assigned the shelved Scoleri case when Darren leaves.
Hidden agendas: Bender is acting compliant with backburning the Scoleri case… but is scheming to reignite the case by putting the heat on a rival mob to spark a gang war, which will bring Scoleri’s operation back into the limelight.
Competition: Bender is competing for the organized crime beat with another FBI agent sent in to reorganize the division – and he has to hurt the guy’s reputation or make a major bust the same size and scope of the Scoleri case or he’ll lose it to him.
Conspiracies: Bender conspires with a private security firm to attack the rival mob in mysterious ways that point toward Scoleri – so that they will retaliate and start a gang war!
Secrets: Bender has a gambling addiction, which no one knows – not even Darren.
Deception: Bender is trying to appear disinterested in organized crime, and more focused on a spate of hate crimes he’s supposed to be investigating… but is using this investigation as a cover to continue rounding up Scoleri mob associates and getting information out of them.
Wound: Bender lost the family savings at the casino and covered for it by saying they were victims of identity theft… resulting in the arrest and conviction of a known identitiy thief. He’s sensitive to this case – and will do anything to avoid the thief’s release or the truth to come out.
Secret Identity: Bender is secretly aiding Eco – who has erased a serious gambling debt so long as Bender shields one aspect of the Scoleri empire from the Feds… they control import/export licenses for one freighter that brings in heroin from Asia. No one in the FBI knows about this except Bender.
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Eric Humble’s Engaging Main Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is: that the big picture decisions regarding character have a huge impact in the audience’s obsession to watch the show. This model really broke down the elements that make a character fascinating enough to follow on a season-long journey, which is something I’ve often struggled to write – especially in the case of creating antiheroes. The empathy/distress section of this lesson gave me some huge breakthroughs into how write the kinds of characters I’ve been fascinated with over the years but didn’t know how to forge the audience’s empathy with.
ASSIGNMENT ONE:
Mr. Robot Analysis
Elliot
A. Role in the show: Cybersecurity expert by day and hacker “protector” by night
B. Unique Purpose: To help Mr. Robot’s hacker group take down E Corp, the largest, most evil
conglomerate in the world, in order to redistribute wealth on an unimaginable scale
Expertise: Brilliant hacker with a unique position to get inside E Corp’s servers via his day job
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He works for the cybersecurity firm that
protects E Corp while simultaneously using his position and skills to aid Mr. Robot’s
schemes to destroy them “limb by limb.”
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? He sees himself as a protector of the
people he cares about, but his hacking increasingly crosses the line into stalking and
spying on them and those around them. Mr. Robot’s plans are dangerous to innocents
and his motives are untrustworthy and unclear.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Elliot has had problems with anger in his past, he
bursts into tears when the loneliness gets too overwhelming, he takes drugs and
withdrawals from them when he runs out, and he has such poor social skills that his
interactions are often awkward at best.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? He hacks without desire for money, to call out the secrets of bad people who cause pain to others.
Mr. Robot
A. Role in the show: Secretive leader of a hacker group out to take down E Corp and redistribute wealth on a grand scale.
B. Unique Purpose: To take down E Corp in order to cancel their massive ownership of debt
Expertise: A hacker even more skilled than Elliot
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He runs a hacker group that’s totally off-the-grid
and only parcels out information on a need-to-know basis… and often lies when roping
or manipulating Elliot into things
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? To take down E Corp, he’s framing
otherwise innocent execs and innocent people will get caught in the cross-hairs as
collateral damage
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? He doesn’t explain his plan, just pieces of it couched
in lies. He tells Elliot one thing, then enacts something contradictory in a public way. He
acts paternally toward Elliot, but is manipulative and cruel toward him without warning.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Mr. Robot’s stated goal of revolution by redistributing wealth ‘
away from the ultra-rich and corrupt is something ultimately admirable.
ASSIGNMENT TWO:
MY CONCEPTS:
CONCEPT ONE: An oncologist discovers there’s a strain of DNA in a small group of people which is the key to curing cancer, and Big Pharma has known about it for decades… and has been systematically hunting down and exterminating these people, because cancer is big business.
Journey: Oncologist goes from a comfortable life profiting off the system to on the run from a shadowy cabal to save the last people with the genetic code in order to cure his wife’s cancer.
Main Characters:
Jude
A. Role in the show: Oncologist/research scientist whose wife is dying of inoperable cancer
B. Unique Purpose: To protect Dres until he can figure out how to extract the element of her DNA that will allow him to synthesize a medicine that can cure cancer
Expertise: He’s a brilliant oncology expert at the forefront of his field – one of the only people in the world who can figure out how to use the DNA strain to create a usable cure
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He’s lying about his latest breakthrough and counting on no one understanding the advanced science… so that he can infiltrate the cabal hunting Dres from within the Big Pharma company. He’s also lying to his wife about the dire circumstances of her cancer.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? To infiltrate the cabal, he must rise in the ranks of the Big Pharma company hurting patients to maximize their bottom line, and has to go along with the cabal in order to undermine them.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? He’s increasingly desperate to find and protect Dres as his wife’s cancer escalates. He’s forced to lie to his employers and to try to manipulate Dres, and also to gaslight his wife so she won’t give up and let herself die or try to persuade him away from his current course of action.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Undeserved misfortune: He has spent his career treating and saving cancer patients only for his wife to contract inoperable cancer. Tries for goal and fails: He’s up against a shadowy conspiracy that is seemingly everywhere and all-powerful to protect a woman who doesn’t want his help.
Dres
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>A. Role in the show: a homeless petty thief, targeted by the cabal because she carries the strain of DNA that can directly cure cancer.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>B. Unique Purpose:To find who killed her mother and exact revenge.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>Expertise: Thief adept at surviving off-the-grid, breaking into places, and sizing up marks
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? She’s using Jude to get access to the cabal so she can kill every one of them for ordering the hit on her mother. Unbeknownst to Jude or the cabal, she seduces the Big Pharma CEO and becomes his mistress.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? She’s a thief and con artist, and she seduces the Big Pharma CEO, becoming his mistress… which threatens to tear apart his family, especially his relationship with his dying daughter. Once aware that the cabal killed her mother, she vows to kill them all.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? She’s conniving and dishonest at her baseline, but now that she’s being hunted, she uses her skills to turn the tables on her assassins with her survival on the line… and even does the same to Jude. She trusts no one and is only out for herself.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Undeserved misfortune: she’s being hunted for something she isn’t even aware of and has no control over – her genetic makeup. Her mother was killed by the same cabal, as have everyone in her family line carrying the gene across the generations.
CONCEPT TWO: Just as an FBI agent is about to arrest a mob boss, an anonymous website sets up a full-out Presidential campaign for the mob boss and raises billions of dollars, making him the heavy favorite to win… and shielding him from prosecution until the election is over.
Journey: An idealistic FBI agent has to catch a mob boss who is on the cusp of becoming his boss and corrupting the Justice Department into a powerful extension of his own mob… so he has to start breaking the law and playing dirty to ensure that doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, the mob boss, who has to win at the campaign trail in order to avoid immediate arrest, has to become a genuinely empathetic and civic-minded leader in order to win the presidency… or face immediate arrest as a private citizen.
Darren
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>A. Role in the show: Ambitious and brilliant Special Agent assigned to Organized Crime
B. Unique Purpose: To expose Scoleri to the world as a ruthless gangster and put him behind bars forever.Expertise: Expert in the workings of the underworld; knows how to play the game to move up the ladder–on an academic level.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Darren inserts himself into the orbit of Scoleri’s mob to move up the line and get the evidence he needs to nail him… but is secretly enjoying the ruthlessness and relaxed “rules” of this lifestyle, a marked contrast to the stifling bureaucracy at the FBI. He starts having ambitions within the crime lifestyle above and beyond just getting close to Scoleri.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? In order to move up in the chain of command and not get exposed, Darren has to perform increasingly criminal activities, from white-collar crime kickback deals to ultimately violence and eventually having to assassinate his best friend on the FBI to prove he’s not an agent himself.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Darren is coldly calculating in his plan, but has to deviate as the gangsters he’s surrounding himself with give him unexpected missions and errands. He’s being pulled between the strong moral ethics he lived by before this and his newfound freedom within the dangerous world of gangsters – and sometimes gives in to his baser instincts and his blind ambition as he realizes he can get away with behavior whose consequences would have ruined his life as an FBI agent.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Undeserved misfortune: We see him follow all the rules and have Scoleri dead-to-rights when the surprising campaign run shields Scoleri from prosecution under federal law and sidelines Darren’s career.
Scoleri
A. Role in the show: Ruthless mob boss who is forced into the public spotlight to run for President.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>B. Unique Purpose: Must win the party’s nomination as the first step toward a Presidential run… in order to avoid immediate arrest.
Expertise: He’s a ruthless leader, used to unchecked power, and knows how to use threats, intimidation, and raw strength to make deals.
<b style=”font-weight: bold;”>C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He acts like an ordinary politician, but is concealing from the public and other politicians that he’s a lifelong mobster… and conceals from everyone that he’s looking to use this platform to secretly expand his criminal empire on a global scale.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? He is only paternal to people like himself – fighters who started with nothing and are ruthless in their rise… but he has to betray the person like himself whom he takes under his wing in a small town he’s stumping in. He has to compromise his ruthless but bluntly honest values to play the lying game of politics.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? He has to outwardly act like an ordinary politician, but he switches back to his dangerous gangster tactics when forced to or when he has to react emotionally. His secret plan to expand his criminal empire overseas makes him react with brutal ruthlessness at unexpected times when he sees an opening to get what he wants.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Undeserved misfortune: he didn’t choose this path. He was willing to be arrested or killed if the FBI got smart enough to catch him. To Scoleri, living the politician’s life of lying and backstabbing is worse than what he does. Distress: He’s facing a lifetime prison sentence if he stumbles even once during this Presidential run.
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Eric Humble’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned is: that once you organize the characters based on the role they play in the main character’s journey, you not only are able to juggle the characters without being distracted, overwhelmed, or side-tracked by the peripheral characters, but you’re able to keep the transformational journey front-and-center. I recently took the Writing the Profound Screenplay course with screenwritingU, where I really started to understand transformational journeys beyond the basic Mini-Movie Method. I was really struck for the first time while doing this lesson at how the transformational journey of a TV series is at the root of the structure in the same way it is with a feature film – and that much of the challenges that move the character through the journey come from the other characters to varying degrees. Organizing the characters in terms of the role they play within that transformational journey really helps keep the story on track and keeps those “profound elements” at the forefront. I’ve never approached supporting characters this way before, and I’m excited to see how I can write them into the story so that they engage the transformational journey via the main characters, and without the environment circle characters distracting from the most important emotional aspects of the main story.
Assignment 1:
MR. ROBOT:
A. Main Characters Circle:
Elliot – protagonist; hacker “avenger”
Mr. Robot – leader of the hacker group out to take down E Corp
Tyrell Wellick – newly minted CTO of E Corp, has people watching Elliot everywhere
B. Connected Circle:
Angela – childhood friend/unrequited love interest
Shayla – drug dealer/casual lover
Gideon – cybersecurtity firm boss
Krista – Elliot’s psychologist, whom he “protects” from afar even as he’s shutting her out
C. Environment Circle:
The other hackers of FSociety
Angela’s cheating boyfriend
The Men in Black watching Elliot
The employees of the cybersecurity firm
The lawyers of E Corp
Assignment 2:
MY CONCEPTS:
CONCEPT ONE: An oncologist discovers there’s a strain of DNA in a small group of people which is the key to curing cancer, and Big Pharma has known about it for decades… and has been systematically hunting down and exterminating these people, because cancer is big business.
Journey: Oncologist goes from a comfortable life profiting off the system to on the run from a shadowy cabal to save the last people with the genetic code in order to cure his wife’s cancer.
What characters are required for this Unique World? (Court battle = Judge, prosecutor, public defender, victim, defendent, witnesses, press, etc.)
Oncology research team
Wife’s oncologist
Board of directors of hospital
CEO of Pharma corporation
Board of Pharma corporation
Assassins/mercenaries
People with the unique genetic code
Targets’s social/cultural circles
What Supporting Characters are required to have this story work?
Jude’s wife
His boss at the Pharma company/head of the cabal
The target – a woman who has the unique genetic code without knowing she has it or
why she’s being targeted
Who else would they conspire/conflict with during the journey?
Police detective on the case when she gets initially targeted
Underworld figures who can supply aliases, fake IDs, etc.
CEO’s underling who is looking into what’s really going on – and scheming to take the
throne
Who else would naturally be in the environment as things were happening?
Patients in the hospital
Corporate employees at the Pharma company
People in the targets’s orbit – friends, culture, etc.
Board of Pharma corporation
Three Circles:
A. Main Characters Circle:
Jude – oncology researcher who stumbles onto a massive, decades-long conspiracy to exterminate a subset of the world population whose DNA holds the secret to curing cancer.
Marks – CEO at the biggest Pharma company, who is secretly head of the global cabal dedicated to identifying, hunting, and exterminating the people whose DNA can cure cancer.
Catherine – Jude’s wife, dying of inoperable cancer; Jude is lying to her about the gravity of her situation to shield her from worry while he searches for a fringe-science “miracle cure.”
Dres – a homeless petty thief who has been targeted by the cabal, not knowing that it’s because she carries the strain of DNA that can directly cure cancer.
B. Connected Circle:
Catherine’s oncologist
Assassins/mercenaries
Dres’s friends/accomplices
Jude’s and Catherine’s friends and family
Police detective on the case when she gets initially targeted
Underworld figures who can supply aliases, fake IDs, etc.
C. Environment Circle:
Jude’s oncology research team
Patients in the hospital
Corporate employees at the Pharma company
People in the targets’s orbit – friends, culture, etc.
Board of Pharma corporation
CONCEPT TWO: Just as an FBI agent is about to arrest a mob boss, an anonymous website sets up a full-out Presidential campaign for the mob boss and raises billions of dollars, making him the heavy favorite to win… and shielding him from prosecution until the election is over.
Journey: An idealistic FBI agent has to catch a mob boss who is on the cusp of becoming his boss and corrupting the Justice Department into a powerful extension of his own mob… so he has to start breaking the law and playing dirty to ensure that doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, the mob boss, who has to win at the campaign trail in order to avoid immediate arrest, has to become a genuinely empathetic and civic-minded leader in order to win the presidency… or face immediate arrest as a private citizen.
What characters are required for this Unique World? (Court battle = Judge, prosecutor, public defender, victim, defendent, witnesses, press, etc.)
FBI agents
FBI director
Mob lieutenants
Mob underlings
Businesspeople involved in the mob boss’s move to legitimize the business
Campaign staff
Chief of staff
Community leaders
Campaign communications director
FBI Cybercrime Task Force
FBI Organized Crime Task Force
What Supporting Characters are required to have this story work?
Mob underboss
FBI agent’s wife and family
FBI agent’s best friend/colleague
Mob boss’s family
Mob boss’s scheming son
Who else would they conspire/conflict with during the journey?
FBI informant
Mob lawyer
Local government officials on the campaign trail
Local business people on the campaign trail
Who else would naturally be in the environment as things were happening?
Members of the press
Rival gangsters looking to muscle in while the gangster is tied up running for president
People on the street along the campaign trail
Workers/employees involved in the business side of the mobster’s front
FBI staff
Three Circles:
A. Main Characters Circle:
Darren – Idealistic FBI agent who must buck his superiors and go undercover in Scoleri’s
mob after his by-the-book investigation is upended by Scoleri’s mysterious Presidential
run.
Scoleri – ruthless mob boss used to ruling from the shadows, who must now make a
serious – and very public – run for President of the United States in order to avoid
immediate arrest… and to grow his empire globally.
Eco – Scoleri’s mob lawyer and advisor who must manage the crime empire while
shielding Scoleri’s true self as he goes campaigning.
Bender – Darren’s best friend and fellow Special Agent who takes over the investigation
into Scoleri’s mob dealings… not knowing that Darren has gone undercover and is rising in its ranks.
B. Connected Circle:
FBI director
Darren’s wife and family
Bender’s wife and family
Scoleri’s scheming son
Scoleri’s scheming underboss
Campaign chief of staff
Campaign communications director
C. Environment Circle:
FBI staff
Mob lieutenants
Mob underlings
Businesspeople involved in Scoleri’s move to legitimize the business
Campaign staff
Community leaders
FBI Cybercrime Task Force
FBI Organized Crime Task Force
Local government officials on the campaign trail
Local business people on the campaign trail
Members of the press
Rival gangsters looking to muscle in while the gangster is tied up running for president
People on the street along the campaign trail
Workers/employees involved in the business side of the mobster’s front
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Mr. Robot Five Star Model
What I learned doing this assignment is: that the five star points really create the strong pull that binge-worthy shows have on first-time viewers. Mr. Robot is a show I’ve been curious about but haven’t gotten around to watching before this, and I came in cold. I selected it because it seems closest to one of the two show ideas I developed in the pre-class assignments. Watching it firstly through the lens of the five star points model, and secondly as a stand-alone episode without being able to continue to the next and binge the entire season, I was able to focus on each of these points how they draw the viewer in, mostly with intrigue. The second time I watched it, I noticed even more of the open loops, the casual throwaway set up lines, such as the reference to Elliot not being in therapy voluntarily, that almost subliminally make us want to know more. I’ve never analyzed a TV show episode or pilot in this way – nothing beyond the drama, subtext, and interest techniques used to make the scenes and story powerful. Seeing it with a focus toward what makes the show compel us to keep watching has been eye-opening. I’ve had some breakthroughs already, especially during the second viewing of the pilot. I’m excited to see what we learn next in this course!
Mr. Robot
OUTLINE
Elliot warns an imaginary person that a cabal of powerful people are following him.
Elliot confronts the owner of a coffee shop, explaining how he hacked him and discovered that the guy hosts a child pornography site… but then starts over sharing about he’s different, too, and how his only real connection to the world was his dad who died from cancer as the result of working for a company. He reveals he’s called the police.
Elliot goes to his day job as a cybersecurity engineer, where he’s assigned to help Angela look over data from a client who was hacked. Angela is annoyed he didn’t “try harder” to attend her party last night.
He sees his psychologist, whom he cyberstalks by night. He’s got anger issues especially a rage against society, the rage so internalized that he can’t tell when he’s saying things out loud or just to himself. He seems to be here because of delusions.
Angela’s boyfriend tries to get him to open up because he can’t accept the awkwardness between them — not knowing that Elliot has hacked him and knows he’s cheating on Angela. Elliot hates E Corp, the huge conglomerate he has to assist at his job.
Elliot goes home and is overwhelmed by his loneliness. He flashes back to an abusive childhood at the hands of his mother. Then does morphine, a habit which he has under control by a series of strict rules. He gets high and has sex with his drug dealer.
He stalks his psychologist to follow her date, whom he is suspicious about… but suspects he’s being followed. A Wino he saw on the subway earlier distracts his followers.
Angela calls Elliot into work in the middle of the night because another major hack happened to E corp. Elliot diagnoses the attack correctly as infected servers within the E Corp buildings.
Elliot has to accompany his boss to the location, where he manages to save the day… but discovers a message specifically to him from the hacker within the malicious code. He’s instructed to leave the infected server there, which he does even though he could get fired for it.
On the flight home, his boss Gideon opens up about being gay. Elliot vows to find the hacker responsible.
On the subway, the wino once again approaches Elliot. He is Mr. Robot and is the hacker… and wants Elliot to come with him, but won’t tell him why. He opens up about his father being a thief… and promises to break Elliot out of the “prison” he’s in.
They go to Coney Island, where Mr Robot and his crew work their hacks. They’re “encryption” is that they do everything in person, no digital footprint. If Elliot is going to work with them, he’ll have to start interacting with real people.
He worries it was all a delusion. Angela discovers the drug dealer asleep in bed.
He gathers what info he can on Mr Robot and confronts him to tell him he’s going to turn him in… but Mr Robot pitches him on helping them take out E Corp and framing the head tech guy there. The master plan: to wipe away E Corp’s money and society’s massive debt to it. Wrath redistribution across the board.
Elliot considers it… then when the head tech has Angela fired, he decides to go through with it. Gives the FBI the file that will set up the head tech officer… but a lower-level tech-savvy VP notices him switch the file.
19 days pass with no arrests, no news, no revolution. Mr Robot and his crew vanish. He returns to cyberstalking his psychologist’s boyfriend. Finds that the guy is married… and confronts him, forcing him to break up with her and tell her the truth… then makes him give him the dog the guy mistreats.
He confronts Angela about why she’s avoiding him out of embarrassment. Then the news hits — the setup was successful. The E corp tech exec has been arrested.
Elliot is ecstatic… when he is arrested by the men who have been following him. But it’s not an arrest—he’s taken the boardroom where the cabal of powerful men meets. And their leader is the lower-level tech-savvy VP who notices him switch folders earlier.
Five Star Points of Mr. Robot
Big Picture Hooks
Ask this: What is the big hook of this show?
A hacker who exposes people’s darkest secrets is recruited by a shadowy master hacker to take down the top 1% of the top 1%, starting with the biggest conglomerate in the world.
Amazing and Intriguing Character
Ask this: What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting?
Elliot uses hacking to “protect” the people he cares about from the pain that the liars in their lives inflict on them. He reveals people’s darkness to chase them out of the lives of the people he’s protecting.
Elliot is an introvert bordering on autism, who suffers severe loneliness… but also a dangerous rage, especially toward society in general. His loneliness is relatable. His crusade to “protect” the people he cares about by exposing the dark sides of the people who might wrong them is admirable and likable. But intrigue comes from the mention by his shrink that he also suffers delusions, that he isn’t in therapy voluntarily, and that he has issues with rage, does drugs, and fixates on people’s dark secrets. He’s also a brilliant hacker who has the ability to get in anywhere and hold power over the lives of the people he exposes – but also can save major corporations from major hacks. He’s a character who, despite being a man of few words and few emotions outwardly, is highly proactive in his cyberstalking, and philosophizing about how corrupt societal institutions are. His backstory is intriguing – his mother appears to have abused him, and his recently-deceased father was his only major point of contact to the outside world, save for his childhood friend Angela.
Mr. Robot is gregarious, pretends to be a wino as he follows and observes Elliot, and has an ingenious plan to take out E Corp and redistribute global wealth. He’s a master hacker who has an operation that can itself be hacked – because all their interactions take place in person. This happens to be the exact thing Elliot struggles with – interpersonal interactions. Mr. Robot is likeable in that he’s charming and amusing, but his biggest impression is one of intrigue: who is he? What’s his real endgame? He has an interesting backstory being the son of a thief… but he’s also not trustworthy, so that story may not be true. We’re left not knowing if he’s a hero or a villain, but he’s a fascinating character who makes us want to know more.
Empathy / Distress
Ask this: What situation causes us to feel both empathy and distress for this character?
Elliot’s painful loneliness and struggles with interpersonal interaction; his overwhelming sadness and isolation cause empathy.
Distress comes in the form of him being followed – and not knowing if the pursuit is a delusion or real. He’s put in high-pressure situations where he has rescue E Corp from a hack that he actually admires. He goes up against some dangerous people from a position of power when he has hacked them… but is in the crosshairs of an overwhelmly powerful conglomerate. He doesn’t trust anyone, but seems to want to trust Mr. Robot, the most obviously criminal element he comes in contact with, inviting the danger of exposure and arrest.
Layers / Open Loops
Ask this: What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season?
Will Elliot be destroyed by the cabal? What will they do to him?
Will Elliot join Mr. Robot’s team, FSociety?
Will Elliot enter into a relationship with his drug dealer, who clearly likes him?
Will Elliot and his childhood friend Angela enter into a relationship, when clearly there’s
romantic tension between them?
Will Angela’s boyfriend betray her? Will Elliot expose him?
Will Elliot’s therapist find out that Elliot is the one who broke up her relationship? That
he’s been cyberstalking her ostensibly to “protect” her?
Will E Corp discover Elliot set up their CTO – and what will be the consequences?
Will the junior tech officer recruit Elliot to his side or destroy him?
Who is Mr. Robot?
Who are the members of Mr. Robot’s team? Why are they involved in this?
What is the next step of Mr. Robot’s plans?
Will Elliot struggle with addiction?
Inviting Obsession
Ask this: How does this pilot create the need to see every single episode?
A fascinating subworld of hackers and cybersecurity.
We strongly connect with the intrigue of Elliot and Mr. Robot, and we empathize with Elliot. Elliot is unpredictable and the danger he flirts with creates a sense of suspense over which situations he’ll be able to handle and which will spin out of his control.
The layers of Mr. Robot, his operation, and his ultimate plan keep up wanting to know more. Meanwhile, the cabal of powerful men and their connection to E Corp is another mystery that we want answered.
We also are intrigued about the relationship between Elliot and Angela, and what Angela’s cheating boyfriend’s motives really are for wanting so hard to connect with Elliot.
We need to know more about why Elliot is in therapy, and whether his psychologist will discover that he’s been cyberstalking her to “protect” her.
There’s also a question of whether or not Elliot’s drug habit will escalate and whether he will become involved with his drug dealer on a deeper level.
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Eric Humble — I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi everyone! My name is Eric Humble. I’m excited to be a part of this class. So far, I’ve written about six screenplays, with a few drafts in the works from some of the genre classes I took over the summer with screenwritingU. Television writing is an arena I haven’t attempted before, so I’m hoping to learn all I can from this course, especially when it comes to bibles and plotting out a serial show across a whole season. I’m a stay-at-home dad by day and my wife and I just welcomed our third boy into the world three weeks ago today. In addition to screenwriting, I’m trying my hand at drawing graphic novels. Can’t wait to go on this journey with you all!
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Eric Humble’s Outline Draft One
Title: Unarmed Black Men
Genre: Thriller
Concept: A Black doctor suspected of murder will only treat a wounded Black man if the White cop who accidentally shot him proves the doctor innocent.
Logline: Robert, a rookie detective, must reinvestigate a murder under the nose of an older, revered cop in order to get D’Quan, the chief suspect, to treat an innocent man Robert has accidentally shot.
MM1:
INT. YOUTH CENTER – NIGHT
Opening: D’Quan is at the computer lab, about to put a thumb drive in the computer… when his strung-out brother Kareem bursts in, furious –
D’Quan is here to stop Kareem from revealing… something… to some sort of authorities. He pulls a gun on Kareem. Kareem blames this place for his relapse. Doesn’t know how D’Quan can be so blind. He’s right in the center of this and he doesn’t even know it.
They struggle… and the gun goes off, high and wide —. D’Quan darts his head in the direction of the shot…. except Kareem slumps. Dead. Mutters something unintelligible. D’Quan takes off running. The glass door swings shut behind him – the glass is clear.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
D’Quan calls 911, tells them a man’s been shot. Dispatcher asks if he saw the shooter. He hesitates. The dispatcher asks if he shot him with an accusatory tone. He just tells them to hurry.
INT. POLICE GYM – DAY
Robert works out to the news detailing the manhunt for D’Quan and the growing protests across the neighborhood. At the newsbreak, a commercial about real estate conglomerate Steinhauer; it has properties all across the globe.
Robert talks to his wife over his earbuds as he lifts weights; he left early because he’s working his nerves out – less nervous about his first day as a plainclothes detective than about working with the living legend Markway… who walks in behind him and spots him as he’s lamenting having to live up his standards.
INT. CAR – EVENING
Robert and Markway drive into the neighborhood – it’s all hands on deck until D’Quan is caught – and Markway assumes he’ll return to the scene of the crime: the Youth Center that Markway is a founder of.
Robert disparages the neighborhood as a hotbed of crime and drug use. Markway tries to change his perception – it’s an epidemic, not a choice. Robert doesn’t buy that – someone makes a choice to use drugs. They may not choose to be addicted, but it’s not rocking anyone’s world that heroin is super addictive. You’d need someone to supply the whole neighborhood with a buttload of drugs, like laced in the water or something for him to believe this happened without anyone’s knowing consent.
INT. YOUTH CENTER – NIGHT
They enter the closed Youth Center… and Markway disappears into a locker room, searches around in the dark. Robert gets anxious waiting in the darkened lobby. Finds a locked drawer at the front desk… then discovers a key. Opens it to see nothing but a cell phone.
He’s startled by a video that pops on of an old guy, O’Reilly, a veteran cop, limping up to the screen and welcoming everyone to the Youth Center. Markway returns; he was just looking for the light switch. He explains O’Reilly’s limp is a result of being wounded in the leg years ago which progressed to him needing a wheelchair.
Markway gives Robert a tour, proudly showing him how The Youth Center protects at-risk youths from the streets where they can fall prey to drug dealers. Evenly-spaced portraits of prestigious cops on the Board, most of them retired – the chief among them is O’Reilly, who recently died. Markway’s portrait is set off from the others. Markway self-deprecatingly claims it’s because he’s in the dog house more than his predecessors. He regales him with their services – a flu shot clinic with doctors coming from the hospital every other day to perform “house calls,” like a makeshift urgent care, even a pool of drivers from the neighborhood who shuttle people to and from the hospital – a necessity since Steinhauer bought and subsequently razed the old hospital in this neighborhood.
A sound puts them on alert – someone is here, runs for it. They split up –
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE – NIGHT
Robert inches around back. Spots a condemned property across the street – a sign declares that it’s soon to be a Steinhauer condominium. Graffiti on the sign: Gentrification = Dead Blacks; We are the Diaspora; Where We Supposed to Go?
Someone moves suddenly. Keyed-up, Robert draws his gun – shoots the unarmed man, Standish. Robert searches Standish, no wallet or ID. Robert takes Standish’s phone.
Markway calls and Robert acts like nothing has happened – but D’Quan has witnessed the shooting from the shadows, and drags Standish off.
MM2:
INT. CRIME SCENE – NIGHT
Markway shows Robert around the crime scene. The glass has a bloody handprint – from which they’ve identified D’Quan.
Robert, trying to keep it together, walks through the casefile, which he knows by heart – Security video showed the argument, the gun. They wander off the camera. Blood spatters the wall and the body hits the floor in frame. Then D’Quan runs back into frame looking panicked and runs out.
INT. CLINIC – NIGHT
D’Quan breaks into the clinic with Standish. Standish seems like just a guy from the community, infuriated that a White cop shot him just because he’s Black. D’Quan gathers supplies to treat his wound… but stops short of doing so.
INT. CLINIC/INT. YOUTH CENTER – NIGHT
D’Quan calls Robert over Standish’s number – he’s got the man he shot. The wound will be fatal unless D’Quan treats it… but D’Quan will let him die unless Robert does exactly what he says. Robert expects a ransom or a demand to be let off the hook, but D’Quan, pained to say it, asks him to start by examining the spatter pattern of his brother’s blood on the wall… and they’ll go from there.
MM3:
INT. CLINIC – NIGHT
Standish calls out D’Quan – he’s not really going to let him die, is he? Standish even knows some of the first steps he could take – which D’Quan casually refutes with a description of the complications.
D’Quan goes to the computer and accesses a medical charting system… but runs into a security screen blocking him.
INT. YOUTH CENTER – NIGHT
Robert gets Markway out of the crime scene area by claiming he heard a sound. Better if one of them goes around the perimeter to sneak up behind the “intruder.”
He looks over the marked position of the body against the spatter – angle of the shot looks off. He calls D’Quan to ask what his game is and to demand that he take the first steps of treating Standish…
INT. CLINIC/CRIME SCENE – NIGHT
While talking on the phone, D’Quan inserts a thumb drive that starts running a decryption code…
He admits he shot his gun… but in response to a second shot. Robert finds a second bullet hole covered by the picture of Markway whose location has been rehung where it doesn’t belong… but the shell has been dug out of the wall. Scuff marks on the floor, brown leather, from where someone chased after D’Quan. There was a third person there.
But Markway is in the corridor, idly tapping on the pipes in rhythm to a song he has a habit of humming… and Robert can hear the pipe reverberating over the phone from D’Quan’s location.
INT. CLINIC – NIGHT
The decryption works – D’Quan is in the system…
…when Robert breaks in! Throws D’Quan to the floor, cuffs him. But Markway is heading this way. D’Quan reminds him he’s got a dying man there with Robert’s bullet in him. And he lists the things he needs to do immediately to save him. Won’t get him to a hospital in time. Can Robert do those things?
Markway is near. They all have to take cover. Robert releases D’Quan, but keeps his gun on him… but goes into a bout of PTSD.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Markway halts as he discovers blood by the back door where D’Quan brought Standish in through.
MM4:
INT. FRONT OFFICE – NIGHT
But Markway pulls him out of it. D’Quan and Standish are gone without a trace. Markway just got a call over the radio: this case is setting the neighborhood on edge, Blacks in the neighborhood versus cops hunting D’Quan. They have to wrap this up, fast, before a riot breaks out.
INT. WOODWORKING SHOP – NIGHT
D’Quan has moved Standish and sets about doing some rudimentary treatment on him. He laments the looming gentrification of what used to be a thriving Black neighborhood for the past fifty-odd years. Standish asks him why he’s doing this – what does he really want that White cop to find? He admits that this isn’t about his own freedom; he needs to make his brother’s death mean something—to affect social change.
But while he’s talking, Standish hits him and runs. Makes it to a phone… calls and identifies himself as a cop… only to realize the line is dead. It’s an area still being set up. But in the attempt, his wound takes a turn for the worse.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Robert goes to wash up and calm himself down. There’s a message scratched on a bathroom stall… “Don’t Go Sky High. Get Out.”
Robert asks if the word Cardinal means anything to him. Markway recalls the Cardinal Corporation – a shipping company that was busted for smuggling heroin into the country. The heroin went missing from the evidence locker two years ago. Robert vaguely remembers whispers about it when he was a uniformed officer. But Markway is suspicious – what brought that to mind?
Markway is eyeing him suspiciously… when they hear the noise of Standish’s escape. Robert distracts him from checking on it by suggesting something’s off about the casefile.
INT. SECURITY OFFICE – NIGHT
The computer system is Steinhauer trademarked. Robert asks if they’re selling this place to Steinhauer. Markway comments that sooner or later, the whole neighborhood’s going to get bought by Steinhauer. The bloody handprint that clearly shows D’Quan’s fingerprints isn’t on the tape – he came back later. Why?
Markway doesn’t bite – hints that there’s something Robert isn’t telling him. Robert keeps his composure – doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Markway, unreadable, regards him a moment… then goes along with it. You’re thinking whoever did this is a cop; the bullet pulled out of the wall, the place is run by cops… Markway then gets passionate: if a cop did this, it’ll break the floodgate – but we’re going to nail that bastard to the wall. Cops don’t get to kill people – it’s on us to show this neighborhood we’re going to hold them accountable. Robert is ever more nervous he’ll be found out.
A call comes in to the Youth Center after hours asking to be transferred to the clinic next door – it’s another doctor from the hospital, a White woman, following up on a patient they both see.
Markway hears a disturbance outside. Wants to go outside to check it out.
INT. SECURITY OFFICE/WOODWORKING SHOP – NIGHT
Robert calls D’Quan, who tries to keep the panic out of his voice as he examines Standish’s worsening wound. Robert wants to know why he’s pretending to be a doctor. D’Quan is a respected MD, worth $300,000 per year and has a history of helping addicts kick the habit; this wasn’t a squabble between two addicts over money.
As D’Quan struggles to stabilize Standish, he presses Robert on the police track record of shooting unarmed Black men – and lumps Robert in with them in light of him shooting Standish. Robert refuses to help anyone hostile to the police, refuses to accept that he now stands in the ranks with corruption and racism. D’Quan refuses to acknowledge or help anyone who assumes he’s an inherent criminal simply because he’s Black.
EXT. YOUTH CENTER – NIGHT
Meanwhile, Markway goes down the corridor and checks out the blood on the rear door – follows it outside, sees the blood on the corner where Robert shot Standish. Now, he searches the parked cars, finds a car with a straw hat in the back. He breaks the window, searches the glove compartment – gets the registration for Standish. Considers this… when sounds of an approaching riot get his attention.
INT. SECURITY OFFICE/WOODWORKING SHOP – NIGHT
Robert presses D’Quan on what Kareem was into. D’Quan paints a portrait of a troubled soul, always on the lookout for a get-rich-quick scheme to get out of the neighborhood. And who died for more than something pathetic like another fix. But he doesn’t know exactly what he was into. Just that Kareem said something after he was shot. “Cardinal.”
INT. SECURITY OFFICE – NIGHT
Robert puts it together – he came back later to treat Kareem… but he was dead by then and the APB was out.
Then, he notices the program running in the background of the system. Calls an IT investigator to find out what it is –
– when the power goes out! The riot is out there somewhere close by.
INT. BASEMENT- NIGHT
Robert looks for the backup breaker room, trying to raise Markway – but he’s not responding…
In the darkness, all the exit signs go off – but Robert sees a sliver of moonlight. An exit. It’s not moonlight – it’s the light from a freezer. D’Quan has just lured him into a small room where they’re storing the body of a drug OD victim.
MM5:
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Robert reevaluates his values system elevating the police above all else and his inherent racial bias.
The backup generators kick on – thanks to Markway, who returns with news the riot knocked out a transformer. Robert and Markway examine the body – heroin OD seems likely. But why do they have a makeshift morgue here? Robert searches the file cabinets.
More names… and then, in one drawer, a jacket and bag in one of the filing drawers – a note: Today I’m going to the Sky High Club. If I don’t make it back, take these possessions to my aunt and cousins. I want them to have them. What the hell is this place?
Suddenly, Markway has a gun in his hand – he wants Robert to hand over his gun.
INT. CLINIC – NIGHT
D’Quan has Standish stable and conscious again, but he needs a hospital… yet D’Quan is combative. He doesn’t buy Standish’s claim he’s a cop – if he was a cop, Robert would have recognized him. Standish admits he’s IA – and proposes a deal with D’Quan – if he doesn’t want to go down as accessory to the shooting of a cop, he’ll do what Standish says, starting with calling the guy who shot him.
INT. COUNSELING OFFICE – NIGHT
Robert, tense, tries to brush this off as if he’s confused – but Markway isn’t having it. Someone’s been shot, outside, tonight…
Suddenly, a cell rings in Robert’s pocket. Markway repeats the order to hand over his gun. As he’s doing so, Markway reaches into his pocket, takes out the cell. Answers it on speaker…
…it’s the IT guy. The program Robert saw running is a back-door program to hack into systems that have unchangeable notes features, i.e. insurance and medicine. The police and the medical system here all run the Steinhauer system, so he’s able to access what it was trying to get into: whoever was running this is trying to get into the medical records system to delete prescription notes. Looks like opioids for dozens and dozens of patients, way over the regulated limits. You got yourself a rogue pharma drug dealer. Dr. D’Quan Brown.
Meanwhile, Standish’s phone lights up silently in Robert’s pocket. He silences it.
Markway draws a conclusion – D’Quan is here, and the guy he shot is an undercover cop named Standish. Markway noticed the coded sign of a hat in the back seat to indicate he was working.
Markway knows where he is – somewhere in the east wing, where the shop classes are held. He followed a trail of blood right before the power cut out. He sealed the area off with the master lock. They’ve got to find him before he strikes again, but Robert is to consider him armed and dangerous… approach him with gun out and up. He checks Robert’s gun – it takes the same clip as Markway. He gives him an extra clip, hands it back.
Markway’s plan involves Markway himself going in while Robert keeps watch on the screen. He gets Robert’s agreement… then heads out.
Robert checks the message on Standish’s phone, from D’Quan: Meet me at the woodworking shop. Now.
INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
Robert watches Markway advance on the screens, calls D’Quan, frantic – Markway’s right on you. D’Quan interrupts – Standish has gone into shock; he needs Robert to get an epipen from the area outside the East Wing, by the clinic. Tells him where to find them, but he’s got to hurry.
INT. CLINIC – NIGHT
Robert races to the clinic, finds the fridge. Unlocks it with the combination D’Quan is giving him – only to discover a brick of heroin inside amid the epipens. No time to absorb it, though, because D’Quan is spurring him on – Standish is going to die if he doesn’t stabilize him! Robert pockets the heroin, goes to leave, but Markway is advancing in the corridor. There’s no way to get around him without being seen.
D’Quan is at a loss… until he remembers a subbasement that’s supposed to run underneath the whole place and connects up – he never knew about it until they did some work on the pipes a few months ago.
INT. SUBBASEMENT – NIGHT
Robert accesses the subbasement – where he’s attacked! An assailant tries to kill him – with a syringe filled with uncut heroin. They overcome him, jab him in the jugular… but D’Quan is there! Fights off the assailant before they can lower the plunger. The assailant runs off.
D’Quan has brought Standish, but he needs the epipen – they give him the shot and stabilize him for the moment.
INT. SKY HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Robert and D’Quan examine the place – D’Quan realizes it’s the Sky High Club… and is quietly devastated that this is what Kareem meant – he relapsed here.
Robert, meanwhile, discovers many pill bottles with D’Quan’s name as the prescriber. Accuses him of running it. D’Quan admits to prescribing opioids, hundreds of them – but to help people get through withdrawal without having to resort to buying on the street where they could get killed with whatever’s laced in the heroin. He’s heard of this place, but didn’t know it existed in the Youth Center. Robert called him out on being here that night for the same reason he came back tonight, to erase his tracks.
Robert says he thinks Kareem was killed because he had something on whoever runs this operation. He wasn’t trying to blow the whistle on them, he was trying to shake them down.
Robert looks at the brick of heroin. They established this place to create the demand that’s eating the neighborhood alive. But this is uncut heroin – you don’t get this anywhere outside a major cartel. This is part of something big.
Then he hears shots fired!
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
He runs up to see Markway struck in the head, having just shot twice. He spurs Robert on to chase the assailant. Robert does so – but has lost him. The riot is advancing outside. Robert calls for backup, but it’s a no-go. The riot has them cut off from anyone and they’ve got their hands full trying to get it under control.
MM6:
INT. STAFF LOUNGE – NIGHT
Robert treats Markway’s head – all Markway saw was that the guy was Black, but is convinced it’s D’Quan. Robert feels compelled to defend D’Quan – they need to maybe change the focus of this investigation.
They look at the brick of heroin. Millions in street value. Robert wants to know about the Cardinal bust. But Markway calls him out on his secrets – come clean.
Robert ignores it, presses him. Markway details how the Cardinal bust went down. O’Reilly and the others were heroes. O’Reilly got hit in the leg, but wouldn’t stay in the hospital overnight – because he wanted to be in court to meet Cardinal’s legal team head-on by testifying in front of a judge.
Markway returns to the subject at hand – someone was shot outside tonight. Standish is in the area but they haven’t heard or seen him. And there’s a bullet missing from Robert’s mag.
Robert wants him to continue. He does – but then, a DEA agent who wasn’t directly involved showed up at the precinct with some additional evidence to be logged. It was irregular, but he was allowed back into the evidence locker – and the heroin was discovered missing the next day. The name the agent gave was revealed to belong to a dead agent. No one could identify the man who came in… and all the cops in
the precinct were transferred to out to other precincts in the following week. Robert takes that to mean whoever did this had some pull high up.
Markway, incensed at the insinuation this had something to do with his heroes, presses him again – Standish is IA. If he’s been shot or God forbid killed, and Robert is in any way involved, he’s going down hard. And Markway won’t back him up… unless he comes clean, here and now. If a mistake has been made there’s a path to redemption, but only if he comes clean on everything. Now – including what made him ask about Cardinal in the first place… well before he came across this heroin.
Robert decides to conceal it further: he just had an intuition. Something about this place, about seeing O’Reilly on the screen, must have triggered it. As for his gun, he was at the range this morning – he knew this would be a big day and he was antsy.
Markway wants them to go on the offensive – D’Quan or no, they’re not alone here and whoever else is here, he’s armed. But he’s weak, and his gun has jammed. Robert barricades the office and, reluctantly, to go along with the act, gives him his gun – he’s going to get him some more wrappings from the clinic and some meds if they have any.
INT. SKY-HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Robert confers with D’Quan. Standish needs a hospital. It’s a moment of decision for both of them. Robert tells D’Quan he can trust him – he’s going to see this through and protect him. D’Quan looks over Standish – if he goes in with a bullet from Robert’s gun in him, they’re both going to be sharing a cell. But Robert has a plan – Standish is IA and he was already here. He’s been looking into this place because he knows all the cops and ex-cops who run it are into the drug trade. All they need is to get him better and he’ll be on their side.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
As they bring Standish on one of the heroin den stretchers to a side exit, Robert calls the cop who was in charge of the evidence locker and grills him on the theft – only for the cop to warn him off this path. “If you have a family, drop it.” Robert takes this to mean the cop is threatening him – when the cop hints that he’s the one under threat. But when Robert brings this up, the cop tells him he’s frightfully naive. These people are more powerful than just a couple of thug DEA agents. Cross them and there’s no place on this earth you’ll be safe.
Robert pleads. Anything you can give me. The “DEA Agent” who came to the precinct was in full combat fatigues and mask over his face… but he had a limp. Robert assumes it was O’Reilly… who had been shot and didn’t stay in the hospital that night.
They reach the side exit – but it’s a war zone outside – first they have to get him through the riot to a hospital.
INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Robert returns to the lobby – following D’Quan’s suggestion that they need Black faces to get through that crowd. Anything official, even an ambulance, is subject to attack out there. They need people from the neighborhood – and there’s a list of people who shuttle people to the hospital. They can get someone who can sneak him through…
But suddenly, he remembers the cell phone in the drawer. Thinks it’s Kareem’s. He can’t unlock it with the footage the brother’s face – but the portrait of one of the founders does the trick. There’s one number in it, no files. He calls – and gets a tense voice asking what this is about.
He introduces himself as the police… and the voice acts like this is obvious. “Yeah. And…?” The phone gets locked out. He goes to unlock it on the original portrait – but another beats him to the punch. He locks it and tries the next portrait. One by one. Each of the founders’s faces can unlock the phone. Whatever’s going on here, they’re all involved.
The riot has reached this building. They have to back away. Robert flicks off the light… and recalls that he discovered that phone when they first arrived… when Markway was gone looking for a light switch, even though one is obviously right here. What was he doing in the locker room?
INT. LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT
Robert searches the lockers, when suddenly Markway bellows out – he’s on his feet, gun in hand, taking aim at them. Not seriously injured — he’s been tracking Robert.
Robert and D’Quan duck. Robert gives D’Quan the phone list, tells him to get back to Standish and call a ride. Markway chases him. Robert tries to intervene, but Markway hits him out of the way…
Markway skids while chasing D’Quan and makes the same marks from the crime scene… Markway was the third man there, the killer!
M7:
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Standish comes to as D’Quan is calling a man to give them a ride out. Standish tells D’Quan he’s investigating Markway – he has an unreported track record of shooting unarmed Black men.
Standish is fading. D’Quan has to keep him talking. Standish says that his parents and siblings disowned him when he joined the police force.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT
Markway stalks Robert through the lockers. Robert discovers a locker with a sticker of a cardinal on it – forces it open to find an mp3 recorder. Kareem’s evidence: a recorded conversation, business people dryly discussing creating an addiction epidemic. O’Reilly is mentioned by name. The recipients include everyone on the board. But the speaker is nameless.
Robert goads Markway to talk: why anyone would do this? Markway challenges him to be a detective, put it together. Robert notices out the window the sign on the condemned slum across the street: soon to be a Steinhauer Condominium. Steinhauer is planting the seeds to buy and gentrify the neighborhood within the next decade. They’re clearing the field and devaluing the properties.
Markway sells it to cut Robert in so he doesn’t have to kill him, too…. as he’s closing in on him. Robert tricks him and gets away.
INT. WOODWORKING SHOP – NIGHT
Robert, unarmed, goes into the woodworking shop where there are power tools he can use as weapons against Markway. Markway kills the power – revealing that he’s the one who shut it off before. All Robert is able to retrieve is a nail gun at low charge.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Robert gets turned around in the dark, reaches a dead end. Has to double back… when Markway attacks him, disarms him of the nail gun. Reveals that he’s the assailant who tried to OD him earlier. He zip ties him to a pipe and takes the mp3 player from him. The good thing about riots, all he has to do is pin his police badge to him and throw him to the wolves. But D’Quan he’ll have to take care of himself.
INT. SKY-HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Markway is headed for D’Quan. He calls for SWAT reinforcements – the focal point of the riots is D’Quan and a rogue cop – cut off the head of the snake and the body dies. Use the choppers and get here.
INT. CORRIDOR/INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Robert manages to get himself free. Gets to the lobby and retrieves the cell phone from the locked drawer – calls the number. It reaches the Steinhauer CEO. He tells him who he is, that he knows everything – and that his man, Markway, has gone rogue. He’s got an audio recording he’s going to make public that implicates them all. But Robert will take care of him for a small fee… when he hears a chopper and a spotlight sweeps the windows.
INT. SKY-HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Robert lures Markway into confessing everything on record as they play cat-and-mouse, acting like he’s giving into the temptation – he’s ready to give up D’Quan for execution staged to look like self-defense… but he’s got an open phone, which D’Quan is playing for Standish to overhear…. As the car arrives through the crowd.
Markway gets wise, destroys the mp3 player.
INT. CORRIDOR/EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE – NIGHT
D’Quan can’t move Standish outside – there’s a SWAT team surrounding the building. They’ll cut them to pieces. Standish gives D’Quan his badge, tells him to hold it high – they won’t shoot a cop. D’Quan hates the idea… but does it anyway to get them in the car.
INT. SKY-HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Robert gets Markway talking… it was one of the old-time founders of the Youth Center, a retired cop, who went in to get the heroin, wasn’t it? How did he sell him on this scheme? Markway again challenges him to use his detective training—no such thing as coincidence.
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
D’Quan, badge high, wheels Standish to the car, gets him in with the help of the Black driver… both of them in the gunsites of SWAT officers. D’Quan is about to get in… but hesitates. Standish warns him – they’ll kill you, brother.
INT. SKY-HIGH CLUB – NIGHT
Robert deduces—this was always the plan even stemming back to the heist. They were supposed to steal the heroin during the bust but the DEA got involved. They had to wait until the heroin was “in house” at the precinct and under their control.
But Markway has backed Robert into a corner, emerges, ready to shoot him. Offers to do it quick here, rather than have the SWAT team take him out and make a whole public thing of it.
But D’Quan comes up behind him with the syringe and plunges it into him. ODs him. As Markway goes down, the SWAT Team bursts in!
But an order is coming in over the radio to stand down – it’s Standish, clinging to consciousness as the car drives him through the crowd to the hospital, identifying himself by name and badge number – stand down. This is an active undercover investigation, and they are to defer to the detective on site – Robert. We see that the phone has been recording it all.
The SWAT team cuffs D’Quan as Robert and he share a look. Robert pledges he’ll be alright, he’ll stand by him. He’ll clear him of all charges.
INT. JAIL CELL – NIGHT
… but D’Quan is still railroaded for tampering with medical records. Gets three years and loses his medical license. The system still favors White people.
INT. STANDISH’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Standish, recovering, calls Robert into the IA office. He can’t save D’Quan from his fate, and, surprisingly, tows the company line regarding Markway…
…by offering Robert a promotion on the condition they keep everything quiet about Markway. They’re going to palm it off on the dead cop, O’Reilly. It’s better to mend community relations by keeping Markway a venerated hero.
Robert resigns instead.
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SOLVE THESE:
-What are Standish’s injuries and what are the actual medical procedures D’Quan has to perform?
-How does Standish injure himself worse while trying to escape?
-Why are the supplies he needs in the Youth Center?
-Work on where Markway, D’Quan, and Robert are at every scene
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Eric Humble’s Budget
What I learned doing this assignment is: how many variations I can make to raise and lower the budget without fundamentally altering the story. It was really interesting how I could expand or contract the elements in the script to affect the budget, and this even gave me some ideas on how to flesh out the story while lowering the budget even further.
BUDGET LOWERED:
MAIN VARIABLES
Number of Locations: Put the clinic in the Youth Center, cut out the scenes taking place outside the buildings.
Expensive locations: Instead of the subbasement, place the heroin clinic inside one of the rooms. Make the Youth Center a simpler building, one main room – they find the various paraphernalia inside closets around the basketball court or something major like that. Instead of finding a dead body on ice, they find the body in a closet, unpreserved.
Number of characters: Cut some of the people they might call on the phone.
Special effects: No gunshots or fights – just the threat of fights. Keep Standish’s bleeding out, impromptu surgery, etc. to a minimum.
Number of pages: Keep it at 80-90 pages.
Crowd scenes: None so far – keep it that way.
Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes: Cut out any fights or physical altercations.
Special sets: The freezer/morgue scene and the subbasement heroin den can be removed and replaced with these events just being found in ordinary offices/closets.
SECONDARY VARIABLES
Rights to music, brands, books, etc.: N/A
Explosions and Firearm: Don’t have anyone fire a weapon on screen – even Robert shooting Standish occurs off-screen – we hear the shot, then see the aftermath.
Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set: N/A
Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society: N/A
Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados: N/A
Water and underwater scenes: N/A
Night scenes: Keep everything interior – we don’t go outside for any of these confrontations.
Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots: Create the ambiance of the neighborhood by the tension in the characters, not by showing anything of the neighborhood itself.
Green screen work: None needed.
Extensive Make-up: Keep Standish’s medical crises to a minimum – he’s just wounded. Nothing that needs D’Quan to operate – D’Quan just says that the crises are escalating to motive Robert to keep investigating.
Archival Footage: Cut out any news stock footage of the manhunt, neighborhood environment, etc.
Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance: Don’t use anything involving the unsafeness of the locations.
BUDGET INCREASED:
MAIN VARIABLES
Number of Locations: Add in the police station – both Robert and Markway interact with other cops over the phone, and we see all of that play out onscreen.
Expensive locations: The building is vast and cavernous with different workout spaces, basketball courts, locker rooms, etc. The clinic could be a hospital.
Number of characters: Add in some of the other cops and the SWAT team. Add in Robert’s girlfriend/wife at the opening introductory scenes.
Special effects: Markway sets the heroin den/tunnel on fire. Gunfight between Markway and Robert at the climax. SWAT team invades the place, starts shooting.
Number of pages: 90-120 pages to accommodate additional characters, action scenes.
Crowd scenes: Show a riot building beyond the police barricade – the neighborhood is charged and ready to rebel against the police at the perimeter.
Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes: Fight between Robert and a dark figure (Markway). Fight between Standish and D’Quan. Climactic fight between Robert and Markway.
Special sets: Elaborate subbasement morgue and heroin clinic.
SECONDARY VARIABLES
Rights to music, brands, books, etc.: Classic music soundtrack; music to fit the urban location.
Explosions and Firearm: Major gunfights. Tunnel going up in flames.
Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set: Robert has kids at the introduction – we see him taking them to school or preparing their lunches, etc. before he heads off on his assignment.
Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society: Robert has a dog. A Doberman is let loose inside the heroin den – and it attacks when Robert is exploring in the dark!
Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados.: A storm hits at the climax – the weather exemplifies the explosion of tension as they chase each other.
Water and underwater scenes: Markway throws Robert into the public pool inside the Youth Center and tries to drown him. They fight under the water.
Night scenes: The Act One manhunt takes place around the neighborhood and alleyways at night.
Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots: WIde panoramic shots of the decaying neighborhood, the crowd growing at the barricade.
Green screen work: N/A
Extensive Make-up: Increase the intensity of Standish’s medical complications. An involved impromptu surgery is required.
Archival Footage: Show news footage of the riot brewing, use real footage of demonstrations, etc.
Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance: The floor collapses at one point and Robert is dangling over the chasm… until D’Quan saves him.
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What I learned doing this lesson is: that even for a thriller, there are so many possibilities for creating story points within the confines of the contained space. This is one of the skills I needed most and have struggled with — fleshing out enough events to tell a feature film-length story in a contained screenplay. I was able to brainstorm a number of different events, some of which I integrated into the outline, some of which I discarded. But the fact that so many possibilities showed up just by a simple brainstorm session has really given me the confidence to write a thriller — with all its inherent convolutions — as a contained script. I have a wealth of potential material to choose from. I’m excited to see where we go from here!
Act 1:
Opening: D’Quan is in an argument with his strung-out brother when a gun goes off and his brother is killed.
D’Quan is on the run and in hiding at the community outreach center.
Inciting Incident: Robert shoots an innocent man, Standish, while hunting for D’Quan. D’Quan witnesses the shooting, and drags Standish off.
Turning Point: D’Quan calls Robert – he’s got the man he shot, who will die unless he treats the wound… which he’ll only do when Robert proves him innocent! Threat: Hope: D’Quan will treat Standish. Fear: D’Quan will let him die unless Robert does exactly what he says – but he won’t tell him his end goal, just which rooms to examine, what object to look for, etc.
Act 2:
New plan: Robert must figure out where D’Quan is… then must reinvestigate the crime scene – to nail D’Quan!
Plan in action: Robert keeps D’Quan on the phone to listen for background noise, wants to hear from the victim… and tries to examine the crime scene under the nose of his mentor and hero, Markway.
Left Alone: Hope: Robert gets Markway out of the crime scene area by distracting him – lies that he thought he heard a sound. Better if one of them goes around the perimeter to sneak up behind the “intruder.” Fear: Markway doesn’t come back… and Robert discovers a secret door that leads to a dark corridor, where he really does hear someone. And Markway isn’t answering his call.
Psychological issues: Hope: Robert gets some clues while Markway is away. Fear: But Robert has a bout of PTSD from having shot the man.
Psychological Issues: Hope: But Markway returns and pulls him out of it. Fear: D’Quan plays on his increasing anxiety… makes it sound like Standish is much worse than he really is.
Hiding out: Hope: D’Quan has found a place that has what he needs to keep Standish alive, and is a safe distance from Robert. He’ll never be found. Fear: Markway is idly tapping on the pipes in rhythm to a song he has a habit of humming as he examines a crime scene… and Robert can hear the pipe reverberating over the phone from D’Quan’s location. Knows he’s here somewhere.
Robert uncovers evidence that D’Quan supplied opioids illegally to his brother and others – he really is a criminal, and part of what he’s been doing is trying to cover this up.
Triggering each other: Hope: Robert now believes D’Quan that there was a third person there. D’Quan has a clue that will help Robert – he knows about Club Shoot Up. Fear: D’Quan presses him on the police track record of shooting unarmed Black men – and lumps Robert in with them in light of him shooting Standish. Robert refuses to help anyone hostile to the police, refuses to accept that he now stands in the ranks with corruption and racism. D’Quan refuses to acknowledge or help anyone who assumes he’s an inherent criminal simply because he’s Black.
What is this character afraid of? Hope: Markway sees Standish on the surveillance monitor, but assumes D’Quan is the one who shot him. Fear: Markway’s plan involves Markway himself going in to rescue that guy while Robert keeps watch on the screen.
Midpoint Turning Point: Just as the gunshot victim takes a turn for the worse thanks to Robert’s resistance, Robert discovers the body of a drug OD victim in a secret freezer in the sub basement of the Youth Center — evidence that D’Quan may actually be innocent – there’s something more going on here than a family spat involving drugs.
Claustrophobic: Hope: In the darkness, all the exit signs go off – but Robert sees a sliver of moonlight. There’s an exit out to the street! Fear: It’s not moonlight – it’s the light from a freezer. D’Quan has just lured him into a small room where they store dead bodies. Robert is trapped in the freezer with the body when the lights go out. Can’t find the exit.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Robert reevaluates his values system elevating the police above all else and his inherent racial bias.
New plan: Robert needs to find out what else has been going on at the Youth Center in order to prove D’Quan didn’t do it.
Forced to deal with each other: Hope: Robert and D’Quan are finally on the same page, working together. Fear: They still don’t trust one another, and each arms himself.
Trapped / Prisoner: Hope: Standish sees an opportunity to escape if he keeps pretending he’s really injured. D’Quan will have to get more medical supplies and he can make it to the subbasement or crawlspace that connects the clinic to the Youth Center. Fear: Standish gets more injured during his escape attempt and now he really needs D’Quan to perform surgery on him… but D’Quan won’t because he tried to escape.
They discover Markway’s scheme.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Markway is the murderer, with a mission to eliminate D’Quan and now Robert – and Robert just gave him D’Quan’s location!
Act 4:
Standish is fading – D’Quan can either get him to a hospital and reveal his position or stay hidden but Standish will die.
Final plan: Robert has to head off Markway in order to protect D’Quan, as D’Quan performs an impromptu surgery to extract the bullet from Standish in order to save Standish’s life.
Out of control situation: Hope: Robert believes D’Quan and may be able to talk him down. Fear: Markway has called for SWAT reinforcements who are about to storm the building – and D’Quan is legitimately taking Standish hostage, knife to his throat as Markway closes in on him.
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Robert lures Markway into confessing everything on record as they play cat-and-mouse through the subbasement connecting the clinic to the Youth Center.
Dangerous: Hope: Robert, unarmed, goes into the woodworking shop where there are power tools he can use as weapons against Markway. Fear: Markway kills the power. All Robert has is a nail gun at low charge.
Restricting: Hope: Robert has found a memo that links Markway to the real estate CEO, and has to get it to D’Quan… but Markway is somewhere nearby and the walls are paper-thin. But Robert uses a code with D’Quan, sending Markway in the opposite direction. Fear: Except he reaches a dead end. Has to double back to the direction he sent Markway if he hopes to get the intel out to D’Quan… or anyone.
D’Quan faces Markway and shoots him to save Robert.
What’s the worst that could happen? Hope: Robert has gotten away with it. Fear: Standish doesn’t back him up once they’re rescued – debriefs his people about Robert shooting him.
Resolution: Robert exonerates D’Quan, but D’Quan is still railroaded for the minor violations by a system that favors White people.
Robert joins Standish’s team; he and Standish vow to expose Markway’s misdeeds despite a system that wants to sweep the scandal under the rug.
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Eric Humble’s 4-Act Structure!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how easy it is to structure a story when you’re dealing with characters and locations who have levels built in and who each have a three-act structure.
Tell us the following:
Concept: The prime suspect in a murder will only treat a wounded man if the cop who accidentally shot him proves the doctor innocen
Main Conflict: Robert, a rookie detective, must reinvestigate a murder under the nose of an older, revered cop in order to get D’Quan, the chief suspect, to treat an innocent man Robert has accidentally shot.
2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
Act 1:
Opening: D’Quan is in an argument with his strung-out brother when a gun goes off and his brother is killed.
D’Quan is on the run and in hiding at the community outreach center.
Inciting Incident: Robert shoots an innocent man, Standish, while hunting for D’Quan. D’Quan witnesses the shooting, and drags Standish off.
Turning Point: D’Quan calls Robert – he’s got the man he shot, who will die unless he treats the wound… which he’ll only do when Robert proves him innocent!
Act 2:
New plan: Robert must figure out where D’Quan is… then must reinvestigate the crime scene – to nail D’Quan!
Plan in action: Robert keeps D’Quan on the phone to listen for background noise, wants to hear from the victim… and tries to examine the crime scene under the nose of his mentor and hero, Markway.
Robert uncovers evidence that D’Quan supplied opioids illegally to his brother and others – he really is a criminal, and part of what he’s been doing is trying to cover this up.
Midpoint Turning Point: Just as the gunshot victim takes a turn for the worse thanks to Robert’s resistance, Robert discovers the body of a drug OD victim in a secret freezer in the sub basement of the Youth Center — evidence that D’Quan may actually be innocent – there’s something more going on here than a family spat involving drugs.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Robert reevaluates his values system elevating the police above all else and his inherent racial bias.
New plan: Robert needs to find out what else has been going on at the Youth Center in order to prove D’Quan didn’t do it.
They discover Markway’s scheme.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Markway is the murderer, with a mission to eliminate D’Quan and now Robert – and Robert just gave him D’Quan’s location!
Act 4:
Standish is fading – D’Quan can either get him to a hospital and reveal his position or stay hidden but Standish will die.
Final plan: Robert has to head off Markway in order to protect D’Quan, as D’Quan performs an impromptu surgery to extract the bullet from Standish in order to save Standish’s life.
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Robert lures Markway into confessing everything on record as they play cat-and-mouse through the subbasement connecting the clinic to the Youth Center.
D’Quan faces Markway and shoots him to save Robert.
Resolution: Robert exonerates D’Quan, but D’Quan is still railroaded for the minor violations by a system that favors White people. Robert joins Standish’s team; he and Standish vow to expose Markway’s misdeeds despite a system that wants to sweep the scandal under the rug.
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Eric Humble’s Delivering Multiple Layers!
What I learned doing this assignment is: that I can generate a wealth of plot and character material from just a few characters simply by developing the characters for depth, then creating reveal structures to reveal each layer. I was apprehensive going into this class with the concept I had because I felt it was a little too thin to sustain an entire screenplay, much less a thriller that would have to have a lot of twists, turns, mystery, intrigue, and suspense. But after this lesson, I feel like I have plenty to sustain a feature script, and I’m starting to really get comfortable doing more with less!
Surface Layer: Markway has been awarded multiple awards for his crusade to bridge the race divide and promote trust between the neighborhood and police… including weekly outreach events at the Youth Foundation.
Beneath That: Markway is actually creating the opioid epidemic by supplying dealers with impounded uncut heroin.
How Revealed: Markway goes into anaphylaxis and Robert opens a safe beneath the Youth Foundation, which is supposed to be reserved for epipens – only to discover the bricks of heroin.
Surface Layer: D’Quan breaks into the clinic with Standish to get the supplies needed to treat him.
Beneath That: D’Quan is trying to get into the medical records system to delete the prescription note that proves he prescribed his brother opioids to feed his addiction.
How Revealed: Intrigue – D’Quan allows Standish to bleed out a bit, bypasses the bandages and goes to the computer system, where he types in code to get into the back-end of the charting program… but runs into a security screen blocking him.
Surface Layer: D’Quan’s brother had enemies – any which of them could have killed him.
Beneath That: Markway killed D’Quan’s brother.
How Revealed: The scuff marks on the floor come from a pair of brown workman’s boots. Markway skids while chasing D’Quan and makes the same marks… and Robert realizes he was the third man.
Surface Layer: Corrupt DEA agents stole the heroin from the evidence locker. IA has been investigating them.
Beneath That: Markway stole the heroin from the evidence locker.
How Revealed: The same software conglomerate makes the clinic’s system and the police system. Once D’Quan gets through the backdoor to change his note, Robert has him look up the evidence locker checkins… and sees that Markway was in the locker when the heroin was brought in and didn’t swipe out until after it had disappeared.
Surface Layer: D’Quan is a poor street punk who murdered his brother over money and drugs.
Beneath That: D’Quan is a respected MD, worth $300,000 per year and has a history of helping addicts kick the habit; his reason for being there that night must be different
How Revealed: A call comes in to the Youth Center after hours asking to be transferred to the clinic next door – it’s another doctor from the hospital, a White woman, following up on a patient they both see.
Surface Layer: The heroin was seized by a group of detectives on the narcotics squad and the DEA in a joint operation.
Beneath That: Markway was on the team that recovered the heroin – and his old partner was the one in charge of the evidence locker the night it all disappeared
How Revealed: Markway slips up in his story, first talking about it as if it’s hearsay; then changes the names of the cops to include a few guys from Vice. Robert knows one them – he’s been in Vice for the past year. You said it was the Narcotics Bureau there that night? Markway shrugs it off – it doesn’t matter, the DEA are the ones who stole it. But Robert is suspicious.
Surface Layer: Markway is an antiracist, stalwart cop who lives up to his legendary reputation.
Beneath That: Markway has an unreported track record of shooting unarmed Black men
How Revealed: Standish tells D’Quan that’s what he’s investigating him for… including D’Quan’s brother.
Surface Layer: Robert is giving into the temptation – Markway is buying him onto his side, and he’s ready to give up D’Quan for execution staged to look like self-defense.
Beneath That: Robert is trying to goad Markway into admitting everything – into a phone with Standish hearing and recording it
How Revealed: Markway gets wise, kicks the phone away from him and stamps it until it’s smashed… while Standish recoils at the dropped call from another vantage.
Surface Layer: Markway is incorruptible and has no connections outside the police force or the Youth Foundation.
Beneath That: Markway is in the pocket of a major real estate conglomerate
How Revealed: The conglomerate’s CEO is on the Board of the Youth Center, alongside Markway. The members of the board have gotten huge bonuses from the conglomerate… especially Markway. Robert talks to a whistleblower who was silenced and run out, someone from accounting.
Surface Layer: Standish is just a Black guy from the community.
Beneath That: Standish is actually a cop.
How Revealed: Standish escapes from D’Quan and makes it to a phone… and tries to call it in, only to reveal the line is dead, the phone disconnected. It’s an area still being set up.
Surface Layer: Standish is an ordinary cop.
Beneath That: Standish is IA and is investigating Markway
How Revealed: D’Quan doesn’t buy Standish’s claim he’s a cop – if he was a cop, Robert would have recognized him. D’Quan thinks he’s running a game on him, and won’t treat his wound until he knows the truth. Standish admits he’s IA.
Surface Layer: Accidentally shooting Standish is the only error Robert has made – and the only thing he’s done that could be construed as racist.
Beneath That: Robert has one blemish on his career – he beat up a Black kid as a nineteen-year-old and sent him to the hospital; had rage issues he mostly has under control now that he’s a family man
How Revealed: Markway confesses a racist act he once made, the one that opened his eyes and turned him around to become an antiracist. Robert confesses his dark secret, too, thinking he can trust Markway.
Surface Layer: Markway gives Robert a tour, proudly showing him how The Youth Center protects at-risk youths from the streets where they can fall prey to drug dealers.
Beneath That: The youth center introduces the kids to known drug dealers.
How Revealed: Someone Robert busted as a uniform cop is on the security videos and the entry logs.
Surface Layer: Crime scene shows just two people were there— D’Quan and his brother.
Beneath That: The crime scene proves there was a third person there.
How Revealed: Scuff marks, a different set of rubber, this one brown. Work boots.
Surface Layer: The Youth Center has just recreational and social services.
Beneath That: There’s a basement area that’s The Shoot-Up Club – a place where the hardcore addicts can go to get stoned… and is equipped with freezers to keep the bodies of those who OD until they can be dumped on the streets or into the river.
How Revealed: They find a frozen body in a makeshift morgue in the clinic. A video therapy session of the victim is open on the computer – the kid talks about going to the shoot-up club, in the sub-basement – and is cut off by the counselor. Robert goes to investigate when he’s searching for D’Quan and finds the sub-basement door.
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Eric Humble’s Character Journeys!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how rich a story you can create simply by writing out a structure for each character. I didn’t know how much material I’d be able to mine from my concept, but between the character profiles and now the character journeys, I realize I have more than enough to craft a plot — and I have a greater understanding of how the journeys will inform the shape of that plot. I’m looking forward to learning how to apply it all with structure and how to apply these journeys to both the thriller model and the Profound model, both of which I think will be relevant to this project.
DAY 5 – THREE-ACT STRUCTURES
D’QUAN
Beginning: On the run and in hiding at the community outreach center. Gets spotted by Robert – and witnesses him shoot Standish.
Turning Point 1: Takes Standish to his hiding spot and calls Robert, demanding that he reinvestigate the case and prove him innocent or he’ll let Standish die.
Midpoint: Robert uncovers evidence that D’Quan supplied opioids illegally to his brother and others – he really is a criminal, and part of what he’s been doing is trying to cover this up.
Turning Point 2: They discover Markway’s scheme.
Dilemma: Standish is fading – D’Quan can either get him to a hospital and reveal his position or stay hidden but Standish will die.
3rd Act Climax: D’Quan faces Markway and shoots him to save Robert.
Ending: D’Quan gets railroaded by the system for just the minor charges he’s arrested for. But his brother’s death is vindicated.
ROBERT:
Beginning: Nervous for his first day as a plainclothes detective working with the legend Markway. Then, following Markway’s lead, keyed-up, he shoots Standish while pursuing D’Quan.
Turning Point 1: D’Quan calls him — he will let Standish die unless Robert proves him innocent. “You’re a detective — detect.”
Midpoint: D’Quan’s brother was shot by a different bullet that he finds in the wall — a police-issue bullet — which was then covered up and switched in ballistics for IA inspection… D’Quan is right. There is a cover-up, and a cop is involved.
Turning Point 2: Discovers Markway is the real killer… but why did he do it?
Dilemma: Come clean and face charges or stay quiet and be as corrupt as Markway.
3rd Act Climax: Robert squares off with Markway, tries to bring him in the right way — when Markway turns the tables on him. D’Quan kills him, saving Robert’s life and revealing himself in the process.
Ending: D’Quan’s brother’s cell phone is recovered, all questions answered. Robert is offered a promotion on the condition they keep everything quiet about Markway. Robert resigns instead.
MARKWAY:
Beginning: D’Quan’s brother discovers that Markway is engineering an opioid/heroin pandemic to tear apart the neighborhood so that real estate tycoons can buy it up and gentrify it. Markway tracks him down and offers to buy his silence for a million dollars in exchange for the cell… but kills him instead and frames his brother D’Quan.
Turning Point 1: D’Quan evades capture by the larger police force.
Midpoint: He suspects Robert is trying to reinvestigate the case.
Dilemma: Cut Robert in by confessing and winning him over or kill him, too.
Turning Point 2: The cell phone is here. He has to get to it and destroy first.
3rd Act Climax: Markway hunts down Robert to kill him — but D’Quan shoots him, then saves his life.
Ending: Markway gets away with a slap on the wrist, is unapologetic.
STANDISH
Beginning: Notices things don’t add up in Markway’s story just as the media frenzy and manhunt for D’Quan heat up.
Turning Point 1: Tails Markway and Robert, only to get shot by Robert… and finds himself at the mercy of D’Quan, who is only treating him as it benefits himself.
Midpoint: Gains D’Quan’s sympathy as a fellow downtrodden Black man… then hits him and tries to escape. But his wound takes a turn for the worse.
Turning Point 2: Overhearing the conversation, realizes Robert is on the right track… and Markway is their man.
Dilemma: Robert illegally discharged his weapon at him – guilty of a career-ending criminal mistake; but it was an accident, spurred on by Markway. Does he nail Robert or help him get the goods on Markway?
3rd Act Climax: Chooses to back up Robert with the arrest.
Ending: He is nonetheless overridden when it comes to prosecuting Markway. Can’t save D’Quon from an unfair sentence.
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Eric Humble’s Character Depth!
What I learned doing this assignment is: how much story and conflict can emerge simply by adding depth to the characters. After doing this exercise, I have a much better grasp of the potential for story and conflicts just by the reveals of each layer for my characters. I also have a much better idea of who these characters are and how they might develop not just through the contained model as we progress through this class, but through the thriller model and profound model I’ve learned from other screenwritingu classes. Can’t wait to continue building this story!
PROFILES:
D’QUAN:
Motivation:
Want (external goal): To prove himself innocent of his brother’s murder
Need (internal goal): To make his brother’s death mean something—to affect social change.
Secret: He did commit a crime—sold opioids on the street to his brother, a known addict.
Wound: Brother was shot by police
Subtext: Concealing his location from Robert and Markway, who are hunting him
Layers: Appears to be a criminal; revealed to be an MD; a drug pusher
Conflict: Needs to get Robert to help him, but can only do so by holding Robert’s victim hostage and eluding Robert and Markway
Intrigue: Recover incriminating evidence that reveals he sold opioids to his brother – has to find and delete a prescription he made to a fake patient to obtain the opioids
Dilemma: Let the victim die and remain hidden or take him to a hospital and be revealed
ROBERT:
Motivation:
Want: To ensure the man he shot lives
Need: To get out of the closed mindset of copaganda and hero worship of Markway to see the truth
Secret: He shot a man
Subtext: Hiding from Markway that he’s in contact with D’Quan; hiding that he shot the guy – is claiming he took the shot and missed
Hidden Agenda: Re-investigating the case for D’Quan under Markway’s nose
Conspiracy: Working with D’Quan to keep the victim alive and to investigate his case
Dilemma: Come clean and face charges or stay quiet and be as corrupt as Markway
MARKWAY:
Motivation:
Want: To arrest or kill D’Quan before his secret is found out.
Need: To be the good-guy cop he has the reputation of being
Secret: He killed D’Quan’s brother because he found out Markway has been paid by a land development conglomerate to create a heroin epidemic in the neighborhood to clear the way for gentrification.
Wound: His father was a cop who was killed trying to stop a convenience store holdup.
Subtext: Concealing his scheme and his intention to kill D’Quan rather than arrest him.
Layers: Stern cop; good guy antiracist cop; inter-racial relations foundation runner/community bigwig; associate of drug kingpin; on the take from real estate conglomerate; murderer
Conflict: Hunting D’Quan to kill him before he can discover the truth that Markway killed his brother; steering Robert in the same direction, but Robert is pushing back; trying to find out what Robert is really up to.
Intrigue/Hidden Agenda: Trying to find the proof D’Quan’s brother has on him – his phone recording when he bought drugs and overheard Markway admitting everything.
Conspiracy: He is working for the Board of a real estate conglomerate looking to make the neighborhood so crime and poverty-ridden that they can buy it up cheap and gentrify it. He has stolen a huge shipment of seized heroin from the police evidence locker and distributed it among the neighborhood drug dealers.
STANDISH:
Motivation:
Want: To get the proof D’Quan’s brother had – his cell
Need: To create trust between the Black residents and the police
Wound: His parents and siblings disowned him when he joined the police force
Subtext: He’s hiding that he’s police, acting like he’s just a member of the Black community and an innocent bystander shot by a White cop
Layers: An ordinary citizen; angry at D’Quan for not just saving his life – begging for help as D’Quan lets his injuries get worse; an undercover cop; an IA cop; investigating Markway for D’Quan’s brother’s murder – and his unreported track record of shooting unarmed Black men
Conflict: Has to get D’Quan to help him stop the bleeding, remove the bullet, close the wound, disinfect it… before he dies. But D’Quan is using his ailing health as motivation for Robert to investigate.
Hidden Agenda: Investigating the case as it unfolds – as things he didn’t know about Markway start coming to light
Intrigue: He’s not who he says – not an innocent bystander, but also not a regular cop or Robert would know who he is
Dilemma: Robert illegally discharged his weapon at him – guilty of a career-ending criminal mistake; but it was an accident, spurred on by Markway. Does he nail Robert or help him get the goods on Markway?
Secret Identity: He’s an IA detective investigating Markway for the shooting of D’Quan’s brother
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Eric Humble’s Right Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is: to create strong characters that work with the concept, I have to compare them not only to the hook but to the contained setting. I’ve worked with comparing characters to the concept/hook before and always found that a valuable starting point to develop characters that “fit” the story perfectly, but it never occurred to me for a contained script to compare them to the contained environment to ensure a good fit. Already I’m seeing possibilities that will allow the characters to behave in an interesting way but still require them to remain in the contained environment, which is something I’ve struggled with in the past. I’m already having breakthroughs on the potential for this story. I can’t wait to see where we go from here!
Concept Hook: Would you let someone die to prove you’re not a murderer?
Contained Setting: Ambulance hostage situation; police station
With each of your main characters, how can they uniquely fit with the Hook?
D’Quan:
Holding the EMTs and the gunshot wound patient hostage unless Robert reinvestigates his case and finds Chief of Detectives Markway guilty of murder. D’Quan is a doctor, so he knows just how far he can let the victim go untreated, and how to stabilize him when needed.
Robert:
Rookie detective, new to the plainclothes division. “Cop culture” is ingrained in him, as is his hero worship of the legendary Markway. High personal stakes – he wants the patient in the ambulance to live, to make it to the hospital… and that’s all in D’Quan’s hands.
Markway:
Chief of Detectives, legend within the police force as the ultimate untouchable cop… except he’s an avowed racist and is masterminding a deeply corrupt scheme to squeeze money out of the low-income project housing for mostly Black neighborhoods.
Thinking about the conflict that hook creates, how does each main character enhance or cause that conflict?
D’Quan:
Forces Robert to reinvestigate the case and expose all of Robert’s heroes as the
real guilty parties… but must back up his threats with real force against the
EMTs, and also guide Robert’s investigation before the patient succumbs to his
wounds.
Robert:
He feels guilt over shooting the patient in the ambulance, even though it was in the line of duty… and the guilt is showing throughout the night as IA investigates his use of force. Becomes increasingly skeptical of Markway and his fellow officers and the entire cop lifestyle he was trained to aspire to as he races to investigate the case.
Markway:
Father-figure to Robert; uses that influence to steer him away from reopening the
case. Is in an authority position, so he can feed Robert to IA the second he
suspects Robert is in contact with D’Quan – and that his secret might be
exposed.
Tell us what makes these characters the “right ones” for this story?
Each character is tied to the other and to the hook: Markway wants to arrest or kill D’Quan to keep him from revealing Markway’s scheme; D’Quan is forcing Robert to expose Markway by preventing the man Robert shot in the line of duty from receiving care; Robert worship Markway, but wants the man he shot to survive… and is also becoming won over by D’Quan as he uncovers evidence that D’Quan is innocent. If the patient dies, D’Quan will lose and Markway will win, and Robert will turn on D’Quan, but if D’Quan can get Robert to solve the case before the patient dies, D’Quan will be vindicated and Markway will fall.
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Eric Humble’s Great Hook!
A. How did this process work for you?
The process worked very well, in that I was able to take a few ideas that I thought were pretty strong and make them even stronger from a pitching perspective. I enjoyed using some the techniques that were provided which were a bit different from those we learned in the MSC for generating high concepts — looking at the Contained Setting, Unique Device, etc. got me to start thinking about potential hooks more easily than simply exchanging components, which I’m more accustomed to doing. In all, I’ve narrowed my selection for the class to two concepts, one of which I had initially dismissed until this exercise — but which is now emerging as the stronger candidate thanks to a great hook I was able to come up with.
B. What did you learn doing this assignment?”
I learned some new techniques for brainstorming high concepts, and once again I’ve gained an appreciation for the value of a high concept versus an average concept. Brainstorming concepts used to be my biggest source of consternation when starting a project, but it’s actually become the most enjoyable for me thanks to the techniques ScreenwritingU has taught me and continues to teach me!
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Eric Humble’s Guidelines for Silence of the Lambs
What I learned doing this assignment is: This was an eye-opening experience, reviewing the movie, which I always considered a movie that required a big-budget. But after looking at it with an eye to the COVID restrictions, I realized it could work very well as a contained movie with only three locations and a handful of characters. It gave me ideas for how to convey the same themes and even the most gruesome of scenes without explicitly showing anything on-screen, which would result in an equally-powerful but COVID-friendly script.
TITLE: The Silence of the Lambs
AS THEY DID IT:
A. People – Clarice, Hannibal Lecter, Jack Crawford, Buffalo Bill, Dr. Chilton, the Senator, the Senator’s daughter, Ardelia, other mental patients near Lecter’s cell.
B. Stunts – not many; some firearm usage at the climactic confrontation
C. Extras – various background FBI personnel, the family and friends of the victims, local police around one of the victims
D. Wardrobe – Hannibal Lecter’s prison/asylum attire, police uniforms
E. Hair and Make Up – mutilated guards; otherwise, negligible
F. Kids and Animals – Buffalo Bill’s dog
G. Quarantine – lots of extras and a few small roles who would need to quarantine along with the leads
COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:
A. People – Clarice, Hannibal, Crawford, Buffalo Bill, Chilton, Senator’s daughter – cut out Ardelia and possibly even the Senator
B. Stunts – not needed; the film isn’t stunt-heavy to begin with
C. Extras – cut all the FBI Academy locations and extras; everything involving the FBI can take place in Jack Crawford’s office. Cut the interviews Clarice does in-person with the family and friends of the victims – calls can be made over phone, or even cut entirely; she can look through the victim’s personal effects in an evidence locker to discover the clues required by the story.
D. Wardrobe – same as the movie; nothing special needed except Lecter’s prison attire
E. Hair and Make Up – Cut out the most gruesome special makeup effects and imply them or have them occur off-screen
F. Kids and Animals – N/A
G. Quarantine – Locations can be limited to Lecter’s cell, where his interactions with Clarice and even his escape can be put in motion; Crawford’s cell; Buffalo Bill’s house and lair. Only the principle actors and a limited crew would need to be quarantined.
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Eric Humble’s Concept
Contained elements:
A. Contained Environment: A rental house at the beach
B. Contained Characters: Two couples who have come for vacation
C. Difficult Situation: A stranger who has insisted he also booked it for the weekend turns up
murdered
D. Reason for the Containment: They need to figure out who did this before they can call the
police… or else they’ll be blamed.
HOOK: Unbeknownst to their husbands, the women are each deadly secret agents–one for the U.S., the other for Russia.
HOOK: Unbeknownst to any of them, a rogue laboratory is hidden beneath the house, where a bioweapon has been leaked.
CONCEPT: A disgraced CIA agent must uncover the truth about a stranger who turns up dead at the vacation house she’s renting with her husband and another couple, unaware that a rogue laboratory is hidden beneath the house, where a bioweapon has been leaked.
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TITLE: Chef’s Knife
WRITTEN BY: Eric Humble
What is Your Profound Truth?
One ordinary person can change the world.
What is the Transformational Journey?
Old Ways:
-Hyperfocused on success
-Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
-Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
-Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
-Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re
going to do what they’re going to do.
-Only looks out for himself.
-Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Journey:
Raf cooks dinner for the President and NATO Leaders as they negotiate
peace with the Russian President… only to discover someone in his kitchen staff is plotting to poison one of the world leaders in cahoots with the original chef for the event, who is missing. He has until dessert to figure out who it is and how they’re planning to administer the poison. In the midst of this, he works alongside an old flame, the politically-vocal Natalia, who is plotting something… is she the mastermind of the poisoning plot or is she running her own (possibly deadly) game?
New Ways:
-Stand up for your beliefs
-You have to take a side
-Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
-Anyone can change the world—even you
-Your voice counts
-Commit to his fiancée
-Powerful people are only people—they only have power if you give them
power
Transformational Logline: A five-star chef who regularly cooks for powerful people but refuses to interfere in their affairs is hired to cook for a summit of world leaders as they broker a peace deal, only to discover someone in his kitchen is plotting to poison one of the world leaders, and must choose a side in order to find and stop the assassin–and influence the direction of the peace talks.
Who are Your Lead Characters?
Change Agent (the one causing the change): Natalia
Transformable Character(s) (the one who makes the change): Raf
Betraying Character (if you have one): JosephOppression: The kitchen – locked down, under heavy security, with a relentless
schedule of courses for the meal
How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
Raf:
A. Relatability – They Are Us!
-Feels pressure to succeed – both internal pressure he puts on himself and pressure from his business partner
-Hesitant to make a long-term commitment in his relationship for fear that comfortable stability will cause him to lose sight of pursuing his dreams
-Intimidated by the heavy security at Camp David, frustrated by all the checkpoints violating his privacy and treating him as if he’s guilty just for being there
-Still has feelings for his ex-lover Natalia, who represents a road not taken in his life
-Intimidated by the power players he’s cooking for
B. Intrigue
-Chef Victor is missing – mysteriously – and Raf has stepped into his role. What happened to him? Will the same fate befall Raf?
-Natalia has lied about her political past and her qualifications to get this job – no easy feat with this security. What is her scheme? Does it involve Raf?
-Someone has slipped poison into certain ingredients in the pantry. Which of the cooks did it? Which ingredients? Who is their target?
-Someone has called the IRS and FBI to look into Raf’s business. There are mysterious accounts filled with money from foreign sources that he didn’t create. Someone is setting him up. Who?
C. Empathy
-Raf is poisoned. He won’t last the evening.
-Raf has to cover for Natalia even though he knows she’s lying. His old feelings are still strong.
-Raf creates a dish using the same ingredients for the previous course, because he knows they’re not poisoned – but is sharply criticized by all the powerful people at the meal. He’s humiliated and has put the whole peace deal in jeopardy.
D. Likability
-Raf is a great chef. His style of cooking and meals are tantalizing to look at. He’s been awarded Michelin stars.
-Raf is charming, funny.
-Even though he’s a known back-stabber and social climber, he’s taking the time and effort to mentor Joseph. He’s complimentary to his staff, singling them out when they do a good job.
Natalia:
A. Relatability – They Are Us!
-World traveler – has had her eyes opened from being somewhere other than the US.
-Wants to make a change in the world – sees the political system as broken but is still idealistic for the present and the future.
-Frustrated and angry that no one’s doing anything to change the world.
B. Intrigue
-She’s up to something that has her worried – but she’s more concerned about where Victor disappeared off to. How will this affect her or her plans?
C. Empathy
-In love with Victor, doesn’t know he’s dead… but we know.
-In danger of having her fake credentials figured out. NATO security comes down to question her.
D. Likability
-She’s not the assassin. Her plan is to smuggle in protesters in hopes of getting the President to listen to their plight and make a better deal.
-She’s concerned about the refugees she smuggled in – they’ve been in there too long without food. She wants to save them.
-Natalia is poisoned, about to die.
What is the Gradient of the Change?
What steps do the Transformational Characters go through as they are changing?
The “Forced Change” Emotional Gradient
Denial: Sees the warning on the knife, decides to dismiss it – he’s just a chef,
none of his business.
Challenge: Natalia has found Victor’s chef’s knife – and wants answers as to why it’s here and what the cryptic warning on it means.
Weakness: Hyperfocused on success – on keeping this job so he can
secure the next one.
Anger: He cooks the second course using the same untainted ingredients in an
effort to avoid poisoning anyone… and is lambasted publicly by the entire panel of world leaders whose lives he just saved. Enraged, he sets up a lowly line cook to be “found out” by Leiber – and thus the burden of investigating will be removed from him.
Challenge: But the line cook is a hero in his country, revered by the Moldovan President.
Weakness: He manipulates, backstabs to get ahead and avoid confronting powerful people who could destroy him.
Bargaining: He calls off the witch hunt, and enlists Natalia to help him find out more about what Victor was up to from an aide of the Russian president. He sets up a chef’s table designed to give the man a Proustian response – putting him at ease so he’ll answer Raf’s questions about Victor… but the Russian President finds out about it and beats the man to death in front of Raf. Raf then discovers Victor’s body – he’s been dead the whole time – and was killed in a heroic effort to warn his successor to take action to ensure the assassination doesn’t take place.
Challenge: The Russian President is deadly – and Raf is standing in his way.
Weakness: Intimidated by powerful people, defers to them.
Challenge: Natalia is stirring all the old feelings from when they were together.
Weakness: Won’t propose or commit to his pregnant girlfriend.
Depression: Raf is framed and caught by Leiber, gives himself up for lost. It’s all
as he has always assumed – the powerful will do what they’re going to do and if you stand up to them you’ll just be destroyed in their path.
Challenge: He’s detained, with no chance of getting back in the kitchen.
Weakness: Self-destructive
Acceptance: But he knows he has to do something – so he takes Leiber hostage and gets back into the kitchen, where he cooks a dish based on a clue he’s found in an attempt to get Natalia to tell him what’s going on. He learns she’s Victor’s lover and they had a plan in place… but it doesn’t involve poison.
Challenge: NATO security will kill him unless he proves what’s really going on here.
Weakness: Vindictive – still wants to get back at Natalia for setting him up.
Natalia herself is poisoned. Raf finally discovers her plan: to smuggle in refugees who have been hidden in the kitchen this whole time, so they could protest at the press conference following the summit. The poisoner is Leiber… and he’s already poisoned everyone at the table. The plot is to administer the antidote to all but POTUS, thus throwing the deal into chaos right at the end so a cabal of NATO underlings can make their own peace deal, which will involve handing Moldova over to Russian control. Raf beats Leiber to the punch with his own twist on the cooking, saves the President, and uses his knowledge of the cabal to pressure the Russian President into honoring the initial peace deal… and a few added measures beneficial to NATO.
What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?
Mini-Movie 1 Status Quo and Call to Adventure
Mini-Movie 2 Locked Into Conflict
Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem But Fails.
Mini-Movie 4 Hero Forms a Plan
Mini-Movie 5 Hero Retreats & Antagonist Wins
Mini-Movie 6 Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!
Mini-Movie 7 Crisis & Climax
Mini-Movie 8 New Status QuoHow are the “Old Ways” Challenged?
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
Challenge: The cook he’s setting up is honored by the President of Moldova when he hears the cook is here. The man’s a hero in his home country, even though he’s just a working man. Monetary success and power isn’t everything.
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Challenge: Russian President beats one of his aides to a pulp then demands Raf cook him something special
Natalia warns him that no matter what he says, the Russian president will take Moldova
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Challenge: POTUS claims the most important deal he made was marrying his wife. He was a law clerk who viewed this as a pipe dream before her. Never would have achieved his potential otherwise.
Old Way: Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Challenge: Leiber reveals that he studied cooking —started out the same as Raf.
Raf comments on the ordinary fears and hang ups of the people at the table…they’re just people. Petty, squabbling, insecure. You don’t make deals with policy. You make them by outplaying your opponent, chess or poker style.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Challenge: Natalia rallies the cooks to push back against Leiber’s schedule for one of the courses… and he concedes.
Old Way: Only looks out for himself.
Challenge: The Russian aide is bleeding and Raf is supposed to get back to the kitchen. Has to leave… even as the man is begging for help. He goes back him—to find him gone, just his blood remaining.
Old Way: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Challenge: Joseph betrays him—let’s the NATO security chief in… it positions him well for these people to owe him. He feels what he’s done to others.
A. Challenge through Questioning
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
Question Challenge: He questions the cook who is a hero in his homeland but a pauper here; the cook challenges him: The men who leveraged their valiant actions for fortune are the ones who threaten to overtake my country. They can’t help it. You can never be content when you have power. You never have enough. I have enough.
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Question Challenge: Natalia learns that he saw the Russian President beat one of his aides and possibly kill him. Raf defends walking away: I wasn’t the one who hit him! Natalia: You weren’t the one who helped him, either. Because of that, maybe no one was.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Question Challenge: She calls him out: I was always afraid my dad would walk out and never come back. I’d rather this child grow up without a father than live with the uncertainty that one day he might just up and decide there’s something better out there for him than her. Or me.
Old Way: Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Question Challenge: Natalia details all the underhanded things POTUS has probably done to get to where he is. This is someone to be envied? To be revered? To be feared? A person only has power if you give it to them.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Question Challenge: Natalia challenges him: What about Joseph? And the cooks and chefs who look up to him? Can they change your mind? Are you going to do what you’re going to do to them?
B. Challenge by Counterexample
Old Way:Hyperfocused on success
Counterexample:Joseph betrays him because he cowers to the powerful men. He can’t make the change that Raf is on the cusp of making.
He uses his cooking to get the NATO head of security at ease enough to start talking… and it works – his “interference” got him what he needed. The man is still just a man, after all.
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Counterexample: He later sees the other Russian aides removing the dead body of the man he saw beaten. It’s too late for him to do anything to help him.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Counterexample: Sees POTUS, the most powerful man in the world, weeping with stress and embracing his wife, who holds him tenderly. Delivers a drink to him… then sees him take an insulin shot before drinking it.
Old Way: Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Counterexample: Leiber is powerful – but acts like a friend, even an equal.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Counterexample: Natalia rallies the cookstaff to get an extra hour to prepare one of the dishes in order to avoid contamination. They stand up to Leiber… and get the extra time.
Old Way: Only looks out for himself.
Counterexample: NATO head of security is looking for Natalia to question her about the irregularities of her application… and Raf shields her. It works… and he finds himself questioning his outlook.
Old Way: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Counterexample: He has backstabbed Natalia in the past… but she doesn’t throw him under the bus when Leiber presses them on the next course—instead, she rallies the cookstaff behind him and gets Leiber to back off. Proving that democracy can work on a small scale… and showing him a world where it isn’t so cut-throat.
C. Challenge by “Should Work, But Doesn’t”
Old Way: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Should Work, But Doesn’t: Raf makes a deal with Leiber wherein he sells out Natalia as using fake credentials, expecting that Leiber will then reinstate him in the kitchen…. But Leiber keeps him detained – and goes after Natalia.
(Twist at the end of MM5 – leading him to take Leiber hostage)
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Should Work, But Doesn’t: Russian President wants to have an appetizer he can share with his aide, whom Raf has gotten info out of. The guy is in trouble because of Raf. Raf does as he’s told rather than warn the aide. At the meeting, the Russian President savagely beats the aide. Raf doesn’t lift a finger to help him… but isn’t able to shake that he’s responsible. He goes back to help the guy after a little time has passed – only to discover that the aide has died from the beating.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Should Work, But Doesn’t: Usually brushes off the question of whether he’ll propose by a catchphrase. He gets her on the phone and says it to her, clinging to some semblance of his old life to get him through this ordeal, but for the first time, she doesn’t reciprocate and simply hangs up.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Should Work, But Doesn’t: When Leiber and the President are faltering over sacrificing Moldova in the peace agreement, the President asks his opinion… but he declines to respond because he doesn’t think he can be influential… but then after the President leaves, Leiber comments that he would have listened. Raf missed his moment, a chance that thousands would have longed to have.
Old Way: Only looks out for himself
Should Work, But Doesn’t: When he discovers Victor’s body, he wipes his prints from the scene, but leaves Natalia’s… only to find that he’s the prime suspect because of his motive. The evidence at the scene isn’t considered – and Natalia is in the clear.
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
Should Work, But Doesn’t: He creates a dish that is designed to impress the President of Moldova, which should position him to have an “in” to open new restaurants in that country… but the President ignores him in favor of personally greeting the lowly line cook who is considered a hero in Moldova for fighting in a Resistance movement against Russian forces.
D. Challenge through Living Metaphor
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
Living Metaphor: His paycheck
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: Leiber gives it to him “for services rendered” after he has unwittingly abetted the Russian President is beating his aide to death… and Raf feels ashamed.
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Living Metaphor: Neutral flavor – a sorbet. He’s the sorbet. But left for awhile, the sorbet melts and bleeds into one of the other dishes on the plate. “If you try to
remain neutral, eventually you’ll be overtaken by one of the forces – and you’ll be
powerless to choose which one.”
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: Natalia points out this phenomenon when Raf’s non-intervention enables the Russian President to get leverage at the table.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Living Metaphor: A ring that he’s bought but hasn’t given her. His excuse is that he’s deliberating over which dish to cook that he’ll hide the ring in.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: The First Lady sees it and, assuming he’s anxious to get married, comments that all good parts are ahead of him – his real life hasn’t started yet.
Old Way: Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Living Metaphor: Looking powerful people in the eye and meeting their stare without looking down or away first.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: He meets the Russian President’s stare and
doesn’t turn away… and realizes he can be as strong or powerful as the most
powerful people in the world.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Living Metaphor: The President of Moldova, convinced his country will be sacrificed no matter what the accords say, no matter what the Russian president promises.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: He sees the leaders of NATO rally around the
Moldovan president, effectively shutting down the Russian President’s line of
negotiation involving annexing Moldova to Russia.
How are You Presenting Insights through Profound Moments?
A. Action delivers insight
Insight: Stand up for your beliefs
Action: Instead of taking Leiber’s “out” – his paycheck and the ability to walk away clean, Raf takes Leiber hostage to gain access back into the kitchen… in order to prove that the President is being targeted.
Insight: You have to take a side
Action: He decides to help the refugees and complete Natalia and Victor’s mission.
Insight: Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Action: He’s offered a lucrative deal to open some restaurants across Europe, but turns it down. His life is here and he’s got a daughter on the way… but he recommends Natalia.
Insight: Anyone can change the world—even you
Action: Raf himself makes the deal for peace without Moldova in the offering – he provides the leverage POTUS doesn’t have… he’ll tell the other NATO leaders exactly what the Russian President did to them as part of his scheme, and it’ll cause a world war they’re not prepared to win.
Insight: Your voice counts
Action: Raf threatens to use his voice to tell the NATO presidents what’s been going on here.
Action: Raf goes to the gun manufacturer protest with his girlfriend and lends his voice to the cause – and his food, allowing them to stay until the media arrives.
Insight: Commit to his fiancée
Action: He gives his girlfriend some food – no ring inside. He’s got it with him, proposes – then tells her not to answer yet. Let’s go save some lives first.
Insight: Powerful people are only people—they only have power if you give them power
Action: The Russian President refuses to engage, goes to get up – but Raf treats him as a customer, not a powerful figure. He slips him a hot pepper, then shows him there’s nothing to drink but the tainted water… or the bottle of fresh water Raf has in his pocket; which he’ll only give him if he engages in the conversation.
B. Conflict delivers insight
New Way/Insight: Stand up for your beliefs
Conflict: Plan goes wrong
Conflict Uncovers a Secret: Raf sets in motion a plan to get the Russian aide talking about what he was helping Victor with and whether Victor was a Russian agent… when he realizes Natalia is after different info – about a food shipment that never arrived. Raf takes her aside and demands to know what game she’s playing here… to which she admits that she’s not going to stand aside and let this murderous regime get away with invading innocent countries and if Raf stands in her way, she’ll take him down, too. But when he goes back to the aide, he finds that the Russian President is there too.
New Way/Insight: Powerful people are only people—they only have power if you give
them power
Conflict: Public Humiliation
Conflict Uncovers an Emotional Issue: Raf uses the same ingredients for the first course to improvise a second course, since they’re the only ingredients he can trust aren’t poisoned… but all the world leaders criticize him in front of his staff. Except POTUS, who spins them all a tale about a similar dish his grandmother used to make in the suburbs of Wisconsin. His life is similar to Raf’s… he may be powerful, but he’s just an ordinary man.
New Way/Insight: Your voice counts
Conflict: Dilemma
Conflict Uncovers a Secret: Raf interrogates Natalia with Leiber watching. If she’s truthful with him, she’ll have to reveal her secret which will get her arrested by Leiber. She chooses to run – and reaches the place of her secret, a hatch where she has hidden away twenty refugees set to protest during the press conference… except they’re starving to death because Victor was murdered before he could smuggle the food in. They’ve risked everything to make their voices heard.
New Way/Insight: Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Conflict: Power struggle
Conflict Uncovers an Emotional Issue: Raf defends his betrayal of Natalia by citing his need to get ahead. She shows him what she’s accomplished for peace in Europe during her exile. He gets angry… then realizes it’s shame. The fulfilling work is found at the foot of the mountain, not at the top.
New Way/Insight: Betrayal is never the answer
Conflict: Falsely accused
Conflict Brings Out the True Nature: Raf calls the security forces to the attention of the cook who is a hero in Moldavia, hoping that once they arrest him they’ll uncover the poisoning plot and leave him out of it. But Natalia reveals her false credentials in an effort to distract the security forces away from the cook. Raf is gob-smacked that she would throw herself on her sword just to stop this from happening… and realizes that betraying the man is a shameful thing; that he’s got to find another way to bring this to the attention of security… but first, he has to intervene before the security team catches on to Natalia.
C. Irony delivers insight
New Way/Insight: Stand up for your beliefs
Irony: The Russian President goads Raf into calling security, because he’s not supposed to be in the kitchen area, but Raf believes that it wouldn’t do any good. The Russian President beats his aide to death. Turns out security was willing to stop him.
New Way/Insight: You have to take a side
Irony: Raf won’t take sides in an argument between Leiber and the Head of NATO Security in an effort to remain neutral and not rock the boat. His neutrality causes everyone to be locked down, even the cooks assigned to leave to obtain fresh ingredients. He would have been able to get fresh food instead of the potentially tainted food had he picked a side.
New Way/Insight: Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Irony: Leiber pays him off – his huge paycheck plus a meeting with one of the NATO heavy-hitters to talk about bringing his restaurants into their country, as promised… but Raf now sees the paycheck as blood money, a pay off. He can’t accept it, has to see this through even if it ruins his career.
New Way/Insight: Anyone can change the world—even you
Irony: Raf sets up the ordinary cook to take the blame for Victor’s death and remove Raf from the situation… only to discover that the man is a hero when the President of Moldova stops down to shake his hand. Raf has been assuming the man was just a cook, and a low-rated one at that – in fact, he’s the highest-profile member of the kitchen, including Raf!
New Way/Insight: Commit to his fiancée
Irony: He gets his cell and manages to call his fiancee, needing to ask her for help – but she’s so angry at him for their fight and his unwillingness to commit that she won’t speak to him. His only method of escape is a dead end.
What are the Most Profound Lines of the Movie?
Pattern A: Height of the EmotionDiscovers Victor’s body
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf not only realizes his assumption that Victor is behind all this is wrong, but accepts that Victor was always the better man.
Height of the emotion: Raf rants, in denial… until the tragedy of it sinks in and he looks at his old rival’s corpse with tears streaking his face.
Line: I tip my hat to you, chef.
Confronts Natalia about her relationship with Victor, discovers Victor is her lover.
Essence of the deep meaning: She’s lost her lover and soul mate and can’t keep it hidden any longer.
Height of the emotion: Raf cooks the dish using the ingredients from the list, assuming they’re the tainted ones. He locks himself, Natalia, and Leiber (whom he has taken hostage at gunpoint) in the pantry and interrogates her about what the list means – what is she up to with Victor?! She resists until he brings out the dish he’s cooked, expecting her to admit it’s poisoned. Instead, she breaks down. He demands to know where Victor is. She retorts: he’s gone! Raf demands to know where. She doesn’t know. Then how does she know he’s gone? She points to the dish.
Line: You just told me. The aroma. To you, it’s rich, earthy, with an edge of tang. To me, it’s Morse code for “forget me.” It’s a Proustian moment. I smell this, and I’m back in upstate New York, four years ago, at a farmer’s market, alone in this country. Until I look up – and there’s Victor. He looks in my bag and sees these exact ingredients. I tell him I have no recipe, no plan for them. He invents the dish for me. It’s a marriage vow. Never to be cooked again unless it’s goodbye. (She takes a bite.) This is what losing your soul tastes like.
Raf sees that the Russian President has killed the aide when the other aides are carrying out the body
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf feels shame that he allowed the man to be killed.
Height of the emotion: Raf sees the bodyguards escorting the aide out and notices the aide’s feet dragging and head hanging limp. He’s dead. Raf calls out for the bodyguards to let him go – rushes toward them… when another bodyguard comes up from behind and drops Raf to his knees. He watches as the other guards hustle the body toward the door.
Line: Take him home. He misses the srliki.
Natalia stirs up the cookstaff to push back against Leiber’s rigid schedule
Essence of the deep meaning: Leiber is driving the kitchen to serve the next course in a wildly unreasonable timeframe in order to get the dessert (and antidote) served on time. Natalia stages an uprising despite Raf’s concern that they can’t push back against authority.
Height of the emotion: Natalia takes off her apron.
Line: I answer to the chef.
Raf sees that the cook he set up is a hero in his country when the Moldovan President stops into the kitchen to pay his respects.
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf realizes that greatness is in ordinary
people, not necessarily “important” people.
Height of the emotion: Leiber is about to find the false evidence Raf has
planted. Meanwhile, the President of Moldova is complimenting him.
Line: Heroes aren’t found at the apex. They’re at the foot of the mountain.
Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes
Line 1: Compliments to the chef.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf tries one of Victor’s recipes, thinking it won’t be palatable. But he enjoys it—and says “Compliments to the chef.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Raf uncovers the plot to poison someone during dinner. The plan is clever and all signs point to Victor as the culprit. Derisively: “Compliments to the chef.”
END OF ARC: Raf discovers Victor’s body, realizes he’s not only not the guilty party but has been a genuine hero. “My compliments, chef.”
Line 2: They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf instructs Joseph not to stand up to the demands of the rich clientele. “They’re VIPs. VIPs are untouchable.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Leiber demands the next course be served ahead of schedule—the talks have stalled. Raf knows it won’t be ready in time, but Natalia is pushing him to fight back. “They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.”
END OF ARC: Raf petitions POTUS to give the refugees asylum before the NATO head of security arrests them. “They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.”
Line 3: Use your voice.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf disparages his girlfriend as she’s organizing a protest outside a gun manufacturing plant. He changes the subject to the upcoming job–where he speaks passionately about world cuisine. She tells him: “You have a voice. It’d be nice to hear you use it once in awhile.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Raf disparages Natalia for her political stance, wanting to change the world for the better. He doesn’t believe this can be done. Natalia tells him she understood why he did what he did to shove her out of a crucial job that advanced his career. She might have done the same if she were in his shoes. That’s not why she left him for Victor. She left him because “You cook, but not to express yourself. You make moves, but only to change your world, not the world. You have thoughts, but you keep them trapped in here (points to his head) and here (points to his heart). I can only be with someone who puts voice to his convictions.”
END OF ARC: The Russian President tries to order him out when Raf takes over negotiations, and Raf snaps at him: “Shut up. Since I’m the only one with anything worthwhile to say, the only voice that gets to speak right now is mine.”
How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?
A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly
Raf makes the deal for the President, honoring the original agreement and then some.
He and Natalia are invited to a ceremony at the White House – even though they’ve been sworn to secrecy. Raf is offered a network with the biggest NATO investors. He doesn’t take it – he knows now that he can make enough of a difference right where he is. Recommends Natalia.
B. Lead Characters Ending Represents The Change
Raf makes the deal with the Russian president. He puts the pressure on him – will tell the others – has, in fact, prepared an after-dinner cocktail that spells it out. Doesn’t allow the Russian president to intimidate him – right now, you’re just a customer and this is my kitchen.
Natalia is hesitant to do something beyond her charity because there is no worthy successor now that Victor is dead, but Raf jumps in and starts pitching her on ideas for distribution – has some connections, powerful people who are regulars there. Next time he’s in, I’ll talk to him. “And if he doesn’t go for it?” Raf: “I’ll keep asking until I find someone who will.”
She accepts the offer to open a restaurant in Paris, knowing that her organization is in good hands.
C. Payoff Key Setups
Ending: Raf makes the deal with the Russian president. Pressures him. Has POTUS in his corner. It will be just a retreat – no getting Moldova to save face.
-In doubt: By the time dessert rolls around, POTUS commits to the treaty – an end to hostilities, and Russia gets Moldova. This crushes the Moldovan president to see his NATO colleagues throw him under the bus.
-In doubt: MM4 – he uses food to get information out of the NATO head of security – and it doesn’t work. These are important things with important people, and he’s just the cook. You can’t stand up to power. He should have kept his head down and known his place.
-In doubt: he finds the refugees – they prepared a robust protest, a pitch to the president. But they’re weak from a month without food. They can’t present themselves like this.
-In doubt: Joseph turns him in – lets the NATO head of security into the kitchen. Because you can’t stand up to people in power. They threatened his family, his career, and threw jail time at him.
D. Surprising, But Inevitable
SETUPS FOR TWISTS:
MM1: It’s billed as a G7 Energy Summit to address to the oil crisis, a result of Russia’s war with Ukraine and NATO boycotting Russian oil.
But when he gets there, the security is stricter than he imagined – because, secretly, the Russian president has arrived to negotiate peace, with POTUS as NATO’s lead negotiator. This is a much higher-stakes gathering than anyone knew… and the locked-down security isn’t playing around.
Leiber is POTUS’s advisor, constantly pushing that POTUS cannot let Russia invade Moldova or position itself to invade as part of the peace deal. But in actuality, Leiber is plotting to kill POTUS just before the treaty is signed so he and a cabal of NATO officials can renegotiate – and hand Moldova to Russia in exchange for Russia’s oil.
SETUPS FOR REAL ENDING:
Raf’s business partner talks about how Raf got up the courage to pitch him once when he was a line cook – and it led to this four-star restaurant. But Raf hasn’t had to sell himself since.
POTUS is conflicted about the deal, but his advisors – Leiber chief among them – advises that not letting Russia invade Moldova is what’s best for the world.
The drunken president of Moldova rails against the NATO leaders, accusing them of publicly pledging support but privately sharpening their knives to throw his country at Russia as a pawn to save their own economies.
The ultimate peace deal is the arrangement stated at the outset – that the world leaders won’t allow the Russian president to invade the country of Moldova… but we throw that into jeopardy when the plan becomes evident that POTUS will be killed and a separate accord signed allowing the opposite. It’s up to Raf, an ordinary person, to thwart the whole plan and back the Russian president down. But his journey is to go from someone who believes an ordinary person can’t change anything when it comes to rich and powerful people to someone who believes an ordinary person can change the world, so the journey is indicating that it’s possible.
E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line
SETUP: In MM1, he disparages his girlfriend for organizing a protest outside a local NRA office in the wake of a recent shooting. Nothing’s going to change, and the rally’s going to disperse when people finally get too cold and go home, just like it always does – because the bigwigs inside use their influence to hold up the media until the crowd is gone.
PAYOFF: His girlfriend and a group of people huddle in the cold outside the office building, with a bullhorn and signs. From inside, the CEO dismisses them – they’ll disperse soon; look at them. Everyone’s cold, tired, and hungry… Orders his TV network contact to wait until there’s only a few of them, then send the news crew they were promised…
…but Raf shows up with a fleet of vans bringing hot coffee and food. Media will be here soon – get ready to give ‘em hell.
We see he has a ring case in his hand, which he pockets. His girlfriend wants to know what he wanted to talk about. Raf: It can wait. Go change the world first.
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Eric Humble
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi everyone. Sorry I’m a little late starting this course, but I’ve been busy finishing up the Profound Screenplay course and am just getting to these initial posts.
My name is Eric Humble. I’ve written about 5-6 screenplays. With this class, I hope to finally solve the problem of how to write a low-budget contained screenplay (something I’ve wrestled with for years) and have a working model so that I can quickly outline and write low-budget movies. In addition to screenwriting, I’m trying to break into the graphic novel business as a writer and illustrator. Can’t wait to get to know everyone as we embark on this class!
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Eric Humble Builds Meaning With Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is: That power can be built around an otherwise ordinary or bland line of dialogue by using it in different ways throughout the script, changing the meaning and ultimately building to the most meaningful use of the line. This was a fascinating assignment, reminiscent of a technique I learned from David Mamet’s “Three Uses of the Knife,” which I haven’t really explored in many years. As with the previous assignment, I don’t know that these are the strongest lines – but as I write the script, I can’t wait to employ both strategies to really build power around the best dialogue so that it has maximum impact.
Line 1: Compliments to the chef.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf tries one of Victor’s recipes, thinking it won’t be palatable. But he enjoys it—and says “Compliments to the chef.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Raf uncovers the plot to poison someone during dinner. The plan is clever and all signs point to Victor as the culprit. Derisively: “Compliments to the chef.”
END OF ARC: Raf discovers Victor’s body, realizes he’s not only not the guilty party but has been a genuine hero. “My compliments, chef.”
Line 2: They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf instructs Joseph not to stand up to the demands of the rich clientele. “They’re VIPs. VIPs are untouchable.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Leiber demands the next course be served ahead of schedule—the talks have stalled. Raf knows it won’t be ready in time, but Natalia is pushing him to fight back. “They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.”
END OF ARC: Raf petitions POTUS to give the refugees asylum before the NATO head of security arrests them. “They’re VIPs. They’re untouchable.”
Line 3: Use your voice.
BEGINNING OF ARC: Raf disparages his girlfriend as she’s organizing a protest outside a gun manufacturing plant. He changes the subject to the upcoming job–where he speaks passionately about world cuisine. She tells him: “You have a voice. It’d be nice to hear you use it once in awhile.”
MIDDLE OF ARC: Raf disparages Natalia for her political stance, wanting to change the world for the better. He doesn’t believe this can be done. Natalia tells him she understood why he did what he did to shove her out of a crucial job that advanced his career. She might have done the same if she were in his shoes. That’s not why she left him for Victor. She left him because “You cook, but not to express yourself. You make moves, but only to change your world, not the world. You have thoughts, but you keep them trapped in here (points to his head) and here (points to his heart). I can only be with someone who puts voice to his convictions.”
END OF ARC: The Russian President tries to order him out when Raf takes over negotiations, and Raf snaps at him: “Shut up. Since I’m the only one with anything worthwhile to say, the only voice that gets to speak right now is mine.”
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Eric Humble’s Height of Emotion
What I learned doing this assignment is: that to make a line of dialogue truly impactful, the scene around it has to be built up to the emotional high that gives it that impact. I never fully considered viewing the dialogue in a scene in this way. These lines are not the best, but I’m sure once I write the script I’ll find stronger moments through which I can use this process to elevate the highest emotions.
Discovers Victor’s body
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf not only realizes his assumption that Victor is behind all this is wrong, but accepts that Victor was always the better man.
Height of the emotion: Raf rants, in denial… until the tragedy of it sinks in and he
looks at his old rival’s corpse with tears streaking his face.
Line:
-Even now, you’re trying to save me.
-I tip my hat to you, chef.
-You always were the better man. And I always knew it, even if I pretended not to.
-my compliments, chef.
-Alright, then, chef —how do I save the world?
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Confronts Natalia about her relationship with Victor, discovers Victor is her lover
Essence of the deep meaning: She’s lost her lover and soul mate and can’t keep it hidden any longer.
Height of the emotion: Raf cooks the dish using the ingredients from the list, assuming they’re the tainted ones. He locks himself, Natalia, and Leiber (whom he has taken hostage at gunpoint) in the pantry and interrogates her about what the list means – what is she up to with Victor?! She resists until he brings out the dish he’s cooked, expecting her to admit it’s poisoned. Instead, she breaks down. He demands to know where Victor is. She retorts: he’s gone! Raf demands to know where. She doesn’t know. Then how does she know he’s gone? She points to the dish.
Line: You just told me. The aroma. To you, it’s rich, earthy, with an edge of tang. To me, it’s Morse code for “forget me.” It’s a Proustian moment. I smell this, and I’m back in upstate New York, four years ago, at a farmer’s market, alone in this country. Until I look up – and there’s Victor. He looks in my bag and sees these exact ingredients. I tell him I have no recipe, no plan for them. He invents the dish for me. It’s a marriage vow. Never to be cooked again unless it’s goodbye. (She takes a bite.) This is what losing your soul tastes like.
Raf sees that the Russian President has killed the aide when the other aides are carrying out the body
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf feels shame that he allowed the man to be killed.
Height of the emotion: Raf sees the bodyguards escorting the aide out and notices the aide’s feet dragging and head hanging limp. He’s dead. Raf calls out for the bodyguards to let him go – rushes toward them… when another bodyguard comes up from behind and drops Raf to his knees. He watches as the other guards hustle the body toward the door.
Line:
-That’s my customer.
-I owe that man an aperitif.
-Take him home. He misses the srliki.
-All we did was talk!
Natalia stirs up the cookstaff to push back against Leiber’s rigid schedule
Essence of the deep meaning: Leiber is driving the kitchen to serve the next course in a wildly unreasonable timeframe in order to get the dessert (and antidote) served on time. Natalia stages an uprising despite Raf’s concern that they can’t push back against authority.
Height of the emotion: Natalia takes off her apron.
Line:
-We’re artists, not servants.
-The chef said no.
-I answer to the chef.
Raf sees that the cook he set up is a hero in his country when the Moldovan President stops into the kitchen to pay his respects.
Essence of the deep meaning: Raf realizes that greatness is in ordinary people, not necessarily “important” people.
Height of the emotion: Leiber is about to find the false evidence Raf has planted. Meanwhile, the President of Moldova is complimenting him.
Line:
-Heroes aren’t found at the apex. They’re at the foot of the mountain.
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Eric Humble Delivers Irony!
What I learned doing this assignment is: that juxtaposing opposites in a scene can really give a sense of depth and power to what is otherwise an ordinary moment in the script. I really enjoyed brainstorming ways to make these scenes ironic in the way that the insight comes across to the transformable character. With each skill we learn, the process is rounding out my script more and more. I can’t wait to see what the next few lessons have in store!
New Way/Insight: Stand up for your beliefs
Irony: The Russian President goads Raf into calling security, because he’s not supposed to be in the kitchen area, but Raf believes that it wouldn’t do any good. The Russian President beats his aide to death. Turns out security was willing to stop him.
New Way/Insight: You have to take a side
Irony: Raf won’t take sides in an argument between Leiber and the Head of NATO Security in an effort to remain neutral and not rock the boat. His neutrality causes everyone to be locked down, even the cooks assigned to leave to obtain fresh ingredients. He would have been able to get fresh food instead of the potentially tainted food had he picked a side.
New Way/Insight: Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Irony: Leiber pays him off – his huge paycheck plus a meeting with one of the NATO heavy-hitters to talk about bringing his restaurants into their country, as promised… but Raf now sees the paycheck as blood money, a pay off. He can’t accept it, has to see this through even if it ruins his career.
New Way/Insight: Anyone can change the world—even you
Irony: Raf sets up the ordinary cook to take the blame for Victor’s death and remove Raf from the situation… only to discover that the man is a hero when the President of Moldova stops down to shake his hand. Raf has been assuming the man was just a cook, and a low-rated one at that – in fact, he’s the highest-profile member of the kitchen, including Raf!
New Way/Insight: Commit to his fiancée
Irony: He gets his cell and manages to call his fiancee, needing to ask her for help – but she’s so angry at him for their fight and his unwillingness to commit that she won’t speak to him. His only method of escape is a dead end.
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Eric Humble Delivers Insights Through Conflict
What I learned doing this assignment is: that using conflict to deliver insights is a powerful way to plant the seeds of change in the transformable character, even if the change doesn’t occur until later in the script. I struggled with this skill a bit, until I had the breakthrough that this really involves insights that the character has on the road to change, not necessarily the adoption of the New Ways into their behavior. Seeing it all play out in Seasbiscuit really helped me to understand the process.
New Way/Insight: Stand up for your beliefs
Conflict: Plan goes wrong
Conflict Uncovers a Secret: Raf sets in motion a plan to get the Russian aide talking about what he was helping Victor with and whether Victor was a Russian agent… when he realizes Natalia is after different info – about a food shipment that never arrived. Raf takes her aside and demands to know what game she’s playing here… to which she admits that she’s not going to stand aside and let this murderous regime get away with invading innocent countries and if Raf stands in her way, she’ll take him down, too. But when he goes back to the aide, he finds that the Russian President is there too.
New Way/Insight: Powerful people are only people—they only have power if you give
them power
Conflict: Public Humiliation
Conflict Uncovers an Emotional Issue: Raf uses the same ingredients for the first course to improvise a second course, since they’re the only ingredients he can trust aren’t poisoned… but all the world leaders criticize him in front of his staff. Except POTUS, who spins them all a tale about a similar dish his grandmother used to make in the suburbs of Wisconsin. His life is similar to Raf’s… he may be powerful, but he’s just an ordinary man.
New Way/Insight: Your voice counts
Conflict: Dilemma
Conflict Uncovers a Secret: Raf interrogates Natalia with Leiber watching. If she’s truthful with him, she’ll have to reveal her secret which will get her arrested by Leiber. She chooses to run – and reaches the place of her secret, a hatch where she has hidden away twenty refugees set to protest during the press conference… except they’re starving to death because Victor was murdered before he could smuggle the food in. They’ve risked everything to make their voices heard.
New Way/Insight: Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Conflict: Power struggle
Conflict Uncovers an Emotional Issue: Raf defends his betrayal of Natalia by citing his need to get ahead. She shows him what she’s accomplished for peace in Europe during her exile. He gets angry… then realizes it’s shame. The fulfilling work is found at the foot of the mountain, not at the top.
New Way/Insight: Betrayal is never the answer
Conflict: Falsely accused
Conflict Brings Out the True Nature: Raf calls the security forces to the attention of the cook who is a hero in Moldavia, hoping that once they arrest him they’ll uncover the poisoning plot and leave him out of it. But Natalia reveals her false credentials in an effort to distract the security forces away from the cook. Raf is gob-smacked that she would throw herself on her sword just to stop this from happening… and realizes that betraying the man is a shameful thing; that he’s got to find another way to bring this to the attention of security… but first, he has to intervene before the security team catches on to Natalia.
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Eric Humble Turns Insights into Action
What I learned doing this assignment is: This lesson really energized and clarified the beats in MM6-8, wherein my protagonist starts adopting the New Ways. Although many of these beats exist i my outline already, this has given me the emotional focus of the beat and I feel like they will have much greater emotional impact, firstly because challenging the Old Ways from the previous lessons will set it up, but secondly because I have them designed through action now. It is a much more powerful way to deliver the New Ways without any of the characters (or myself) coming across as “preachy.”
-Stand up for your beliefs
Action: Instead of taking Leiber’s “out” – his paycheck and the ability to walk away clean, Raf takes Leiber hostage to gain access back into the kitchen… in order to prove that the President is being targeted.
-You have to take a side
Action: He decides to help the refugees and complete Natalia and Victor’s mission.
-Success is empty if it only benefits yourself
Action: He’s offered a lucrative deal to open some restaurants across Europe, but turns it down. His life is here and he’s got a daughter on the way… but he recommends Natalia.
-Anyone can change the world—even you
Action: Raf himself makes the deal for peace without Moldova in the offering – he provides the leverage POTUS doesn’t have… he’ll tell the other NATO leaders exactly what the Russian President did to them as part of his scheme, and it’ll cause a world war they’re not prepared to win.
-Your voice counts
Action: Raf threatens to use his voice to tell the NATO presidents what’s been going on here.
Action: Raf goes to the gun manufacturer protest with his girlfriend and lends his voice to the cause – and his food, allowing them to stay until the media arrives.
-Commit to his fiancée
Action: He gives his girlfriend some food – no ring inside. He’s got it with him, proposes – then tells her not to answer yet. Let’s go save some lives first.
-Powerful people are only people—they only have power if you give them power
Action: The Russian President refuses to engage, goes to get up – but Raf treats him as a customer, not a powerful figure. He slips him a hot pepper, then shows him there’s nothing to drink but the tainted water… or the bottle of fresh water Raf has in his pocket; which he’ll only give him if he engages in the conversation.
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Eric Humble’s Seabiscuit Analysis
What I learned doing this assignment is: How the profound moments can be illustrated through action. In virtually all of the scenes that felt profound to me, the power came through the character’s actions, taking on the New Ways or struggling against the Old Ways. Very little dialogue was used in any of these scenes, especially with regard to the transformational journeys that all three lead characters were on.
-Red’s parents give him away to the racehorse owner – it showed how The Old Ways are imprinted on Red at a young age. His wound, his resentment, his distrust of parental figures – and the reason he has to fight to survive.
-”You don’t throw a whole life away just because he’s banged-up a little.” This is a line that not only states the theme of the film, but can be applied to every one of the leads.
-Smith sees Red fighting the stablehands just as Seabiscuit is fighting his handlers – and decides to link the two of them up. This is a turning point of the story and illustrates one of the New Ways – alone they’re at conflict with the world, together they might find purpose.
-Red gets fouled, gets angry, and blows the race… and Howard asks him what he’s so mad at. This leads Red to nearly drop his books over the bridge in his fury over what his father did to him. It’s a moment where Red’s flaw and the hold of the Old Ways nearly sabotages the whole operation… and forces him to consider change.
-Red asks Howard for money… and unspoken, Howard’s kindness touches him. Red is learning to trust his new father-figure.
-”Sometimes when the little guy doesn’t know he’s the little guy, he can do big things.” This can be applied to all of them at different moments of their lives.
-Red reveals that he’s blind in one eye – which is a reveal that answers why he’s missed so many big moments previously: the punch thrown at him in the ring, the hole that the rival jockey rides through. It elicits a new empathy with the audience and a new challenge forcing Red and Smith to change.
-Smith is furious that Red lied about his sight, and Howard reminds him of what he said about not throwing a whole life away just because he’s banged up a little. Howard acts as the change agent here, refusing to let Red go.
-Red coaches his rival, Wolf, from his hospital bed.
-Red gives Wolf his own strategy to hold Seabiscuit back on the final stretch. “It’s not in his feet, it’s in his heart.”
-Smith is about to give Wolf the same strategy, when Wolf reveals Red already gave him the same advice. :You’re not the only one who knows this horse.”The race is shown through still photos of people listening to the race, putting it in the broader context of the way the rest of the country pinned their hopes and dreams on Seabiscuit.
-Seabiscuit wins the race against Man O War. This is a rousing scene that shows how each of the lead character’s lives and the changes they’ve made are tied to Seabiscuit’s success.
-Red convalescences while Wolf rides Seabiscuit in other races… and senses that something is wrong with Seabiscuit. There is a bond between Red and Seabiscuit that allows them to sense when the other is in trouble.
-The vet recommends Seabiscuit be put down… but they bring him back home to see Red. Both are seriously injured in the leg. They understand one another better than anyone in the world.
-Red coaches Seabiscuit back to health… and vice versa.
–Red eats more than usual to gavin his strength back – feeling purpose in his life and potential to keep riding. He then mows a practice track and rides Seabiscuit to get himself strong enough. Once he’s strong enough to ride, he starts watching his weight again. Red’s determination to get Seabiscuit back to health rejuvenates himself as well.
-Red catches them working out Seabiscuit. Howard protests that Red can’t ride him because he’d be crippled forever. Red counters that he was crippled forever… until Seabiscuit made him better… and Howard made him better, too. Tells him he’s as much his horse as he is Howard’s. A scene of betrayal that brings all the lead characters into conflict with one another. The Old Ways intruding in again.
-The stakes are raised because even though Red’s leg could shatter at any moment, the race is the Santa Anita, the loss of which haunts Red. This sets the stage for the most suspenseful race of all.
-Living metaphor: the game Howard is always playing with. Marcela tells him she always plays with it, too, and can never get the ball to stay in the hole. She convinces him to let Red ride – even though Howard’s biggest fear is that Red could die just like his son did.
-Seabiscuit comes from behind and wins the Santa Anita. The ultimate victory that brings Red and Seabiscuit back on top and fulfills the hopes of Smith. Howard, and Marcela.
-Red’s voiceover at the end reflecting that it wasn’t them who fixed Seabiscuit, it was Seabiscuit who fixed them – and each other. The final line encompasses the film’s Profound Truth.
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Eric Humble’s Living Metaphors
What I learned: This is an aspect of the transformational journey that has eluded me for years — how to make the incremental changes dramatic and focused within the framework of a story. This lesson really made these challenges easy to create and impactful. I can’t wait to integrate them into my outline and story. I think this lesson will be instrumental in creating some of the most significant scenes of the first half of the script.
SHOULD WORK, BUT DOESN’T
Old Way: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
-Raf makes a deal with Leiber wherein he sells out Natalia as using fake credentials, expecting that Leiber will then reinstate him in the kitchen…. But Leiber keeps him detained – and goes after Natalia.
(Twist at the end of MM5 – leading him to take Leiber hostage)
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
-Russian President wants to have an appetizer he can share with his aide, whom Raf has gotten info out of. The guy is in trouble because of Raf. Raf does as he’s told rather than warn the aide. At the meeting, the Russian President savagely beats the aide. Raf doesn’t lift a finger to help him… but isn’t able to shake that he’s responsible. He goes back to help the guy after a little time has passed – only to discover that the aide has died from the beating.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
-Usually brushes off the question of whether he’ll propose by a catchphrase. He gets her on the phone and says it to her, clinging to some semblance of his old life to get him through this ordeal, but for the first time, she doesn’t reciprocate and simply hangs up.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
-When Leiber and the President are faltering over sacrificing Moldova in the peace agreement, the President asks his opinion… but he declines to respond because he doesn’t think he can be influential… but then after the President leaves, Leiber comments that he would have listened. Raf missed his moment, a chance that thousands would have longed to have.
Old Way: Only looks out for himself
-When he discovers Victor’s body, he wipes his prints from the scene, but leaves Natalia’s… only to find that he’s the prime suspect because of his motive. The evidence at the scene isn’t considered – and Natalia is in the clear.
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
-He creates a dish that is designed to impress the President of Moldova, which should position him to have an “in” to open new restaurants in that country… but the President ignores him in favor of personally greeting the lowly line cook who is considered a hero in Moldova for fighting in a Resistance movement against Russian forces.
LIVING METAPHORS
Old Way: Hyperfocused on success
Living Metaphor: His paycheck
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: Leiber gives it to him “for services rendered” after he
has unwittingly abetted the Russian President is beating his aide to death… and
Raf feels ashamed.
Old Way: Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Living Metaphor: Neutral flavor – a sorbet. He’s the sorbet. But left for awhile, the
sorbet melts and bleeds into one of the other dishes on the plate. “If you try to
remain neutral, eventually you’ll be overtaken by one of the forces – and you’ll be
powerless to choose which one.”
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: Natalia points out this phenomenon when Raf’s
non-intervention enables the Russian President to get leverage at the table.
Old Way: Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Living Metaphor: A ring that he’s bought but hasn’t given her. His excuse is that he’s
deliberating over which dish to cook that he’ll hide the ring in.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: The First Lady sees it and, assuming he’s anxious to
get married, comments that all good parts are ahead of him – his real life hasn’t
started yet.
Old Way: Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Living Metaphor: Looking powerful people in the eye and meeting their stare without
looking down or away first.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: He meets the Russian President’s stare and doesn’t
turn away… and realizes he can be as strong or powerful as the most powerful
people in the world.
Old Way: Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to
do what they’re going to do.
Living Metaphor: The President of Moldova, convinced his country will be sacrificed no
matter what the accords say, no matter what the Russian president promises.
Reduces the hold of the Old Way: He sees the leaders of NATO rally around the
Moldovan president, effectively shutting down the Russian President’s line of
negotiation involving annexing Moldova to Russia.
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Eric Humble’s Counterexamples
What I learned is: This was a great lesson in that it gave me another tool to vary the ways in which my protagonist has the Old Ways challenged. It has also given me a few breakthroughs as to some of the scenes involving the Change Agent and the antagonist which I was still hazy on. My story keeps getting stronger with each step of this course!
Old Ways:
-Hyperfocused on success
Question Challenge:
He questions the cook who is a hero in his homeland but a pauper here; the cook challenges him: The men who leveraged their valiant actions for fortune are the ones who threaten to overtake my country. They can’t help it. You can never be content when you have power. You never have enough. I have enough.
Counterexample:
-Joseph betrays him because he cowers to the powerful men. He can’t make the change that Raf is on the cusp of making.
-He uses his cooking to get the NATO head of security at ease enough to start talking… and it works – his “interference” got him what he needed. The man is still just a man, after all.
-Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Question Challenge:
Natalia learns that he saw the Russian President beat one of his aides and possibly kill him. Raf defends walking away: I wasn’t the one who hit him! Natalia: You weren’t the one who helped him, either. Because of that, maybe no one was.
Counterexample:
-He later sees the other Russian aides removing the dead body of the man he saw beaten. It’s too late for him to do anything to help him.
–Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Question Challenge:
She calls him out: I was always afraid my dad would walk out and never come back. I’d rather this child grow up without a father than live with the uncertainty that one day he might just up and decide there’s something better out there for him than her. Or me.
Counterexample:
-Sees POTUS, the most powerful man in the world, weeping with stress and embracing his wife, who holds him tenderly. Delivers a drink to him… then sees him take an insulin shot before drinking it.
-Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Question Challenge:
Natalia details all the underhanded things POTUS has probably done to get to where he is. This is someone to be envied? To be revered? To be feared? A person only has power if you give it to them.
Counterexample:
Leiiber is powerful – but acts like a friend, even an equal.
-Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Question Challenge:
-Natalia challenges him: What about Joseph? And the cooks and chefs who look up to him? Can they change your mind? Are you going to do what you’re going to do to them?
Counterexample:
-Natalia rallies the cookstaff to get an extra hour to prepare one of the dishes in order to avoid contamination. They stand up to Leiber… and get the extra time.
-Only looks out for himself.
Counterexample:
-NATO head of security is looking for Natalia to question her about the irregularities of her application… and Raf shields her. It works… and he finds himself questioning his outlook.
-Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Counterexample:
-He has backstabbed Natalia in the past… but she doesn’t throw him under the bus when Leiber presses them on the next course—instead, she rallies the cookstaff behind him and gets Leiber to back off. Proving that democracy can work on a small scale… and showing him a world where it isn’t so cut-throat.
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Eric Humble’s Old Ways/Challenge Chart
What I learned doing this assignment: I really feel like my story is taking on depth and meaning with this assignment. Between analyzing 12 Angry Men and thinking through ways to challenge my protagonist, I’m getting a strong idea of the journey and the ways in which I can make my Profound Truth come through without the story seeming “preachy.” I can’t wait to see where we go from here!
Old Ways/Challenge Chart
Old Ways:
-Hyperfocused on success
Challenge:
-The cook he’s setting up is honored by the President of Moldova when he hears the cook is here. The man’s a hero in his home country, even though he’s just a working man. Monetary success and power isn’t everything.
-Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
Challenge:
-Russian President beats one of his aides to a pulp then demands Raf cook him something special
-Natalia warns him that no matter what he says, the Russian president will take Moldova
–Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Challenge:
-POTUS claims the most important deal he made was marrying his wife. He was a law clerk who viewed this as a pipe dream before her. Never would have achieved his potential otherwise.
-Intimidated by the successful people he cooks for
Challenge:
-Leiber reveals that he studied cooking —started out the same as Raf.
-Raf comments on the ordinary fears and hang ups of the people at the table…they’re just people. Petty, squabbling, insecure. You don’t make deals with policy. You make them by outplaying your opponent, chess or poker style.
-Powerless in the big things — you can’t change their minds. They’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Challenge:
-Natalia rallies the cooks to push back against Leiber’s schedule for one of the courses… and he concedes.
-Only looks out for himself.
Challenge:
-The Russian aide is bleeding and Raf is supposed to get back to the kitchen. Has to leave… even as the man is begging for help. He goes back him—to find him gone, just his blood remaining.
-Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Challenge:
-Joseph betrays him—let’s the NATO security chief in… it positions him well for these people to owe him. He feels what he’s done to others.
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Eric Humble’s 12 Angry Men Analysis
What I learned doing this assignment is: This was eye-opening in seeing how clearly the Old Ways were challenged for each of the characters. The Old Ways were set up very clearly right at the beginning and reinforced throughout the movie – and it was interesting to see how some of the characters, after having their own Old Ways challenged, then became Change Agents for some of the other characters. The movie accrued its Profound power in the ways that we recognized the Old Ways in the characters and saw how they were being challenged, causing us to reflect on our own Old Ways.
• Assumption of guilt – Juror 2 can’t put into words why he thinks the defendant’s guilty, just has a feeling; Juror 7 points to the kid’s
Challenge:
-Juror 8 reminds him it’s on the prosecution to prove he’s guilty.
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• Just want this over – tickets to ballgame
Challenge:
-Juror 9 challenges Juror 7 – it’s only one night
-Juror 8 confronts him – what difference does it make if we get sore throats here or at the ballgame?
-Juror 11 gives a speech about how the jury system is their responsibility – and something that makes democracy strong
• Not caring
Challenge:
-Juror 8 calls another vote – and Juror 9 changes his vote to side with 8
-Juror 8 notices that two of the others are playing tic-tac-toe while he’s trying to make his case
• Prejudice – “serves them right;” “you know what these people are like;”
Challenge:
-Juror 8 puts the defendant’s life in context – born in a slum
-Juror 9 stands up to him when he starts a racist rant
-Juror 7 believes the witness; Juror 8 points out that the witness is one of “them,” too – calling into focus 7’s prejudice
-Juror 5 brings up that he’s from a slum, and Juror 11 sticks up for him when he comments that he understands this kind of sensitivity
-Juror 3v assumes Juror 5 is the one who changed his vote to not guilty – only to discover it was Juror 9
• Not looking beneath the surface
Challenge:
-Juror 9 profiles the old man on the witness stand
-Juror 8 calls into question whether “I’ll kill you” was sincere – and causes Juror 5 to change his vote
-Juror 11 questions why the kid came back home – and whether he was panicked or not
• Assuming the evidence is not questionable – “these are facts; you can’t refute facts”
-Witness swore she saw the stabbing occur through the passing el train
Challenge:
-Juror 8 assesses that the witnesses couldn’t be accurate because the old man couldn’t have heard the shout over the sound of the el train
-Juror 8 demonstrates that the old man couldn’t have made it to the front door as fast as he said he did
• Assuming the witnesses were accurate
Challenge:
-Juror 8 calls into question the possibility that the witnesses were wrong – and forces Juror 12 to admit he can’t prove the witnesses were accurate
-Juror 3, in the heat of the moment, undercuts his own argument by admitting the old man was confused and couldn’t be sure about anything
-Juror 10 can’t remember the names of the movies he saw under light questioning, undercutting his own assertion that the kid should have been able to remember them under a grilling from the police
• Assuming the Defense Attorney did his job
Challenge:
-Juror 8 doesn’t think the lawyer was competent
-Juror 8 brings up that the lawyer was court-appointed and wasn’t motivated to be thorough
• Assuming the case is completely logical
Challenge:
-Juror 4 doesn’t believe the knife was lost – Juror 8 produces a duplicate knife he bought two blocks from the kid’s house
Assumption of guilt – “stop these kids before they start any trouble”
Challenge:
-Juror 5 brings up that he was raised in a slum
Assumption of innocence
Challenge:
Juror 6 confronts Juror 8; “What if you talk us all out of this and the kid really did knife his old man?”
Detachment – “lucky to get a murder case;” more interesting
Challenge:
Project their own personal problems onto the case – Juror 3 disgusted by his son “not being a man,” then being resentful his son doesn’t talk to him
Challenge:
-Juror 6 threatens Juror 3 over his lack of respect for the old man, the same thing he accused his son of doing to himself
-Juror 3 claims he wants to be the executioner – then blurts out that he’ll kill Juror 8, which Juror 8 reminds him that he doesn’t mean
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Eric Humble’s Profound Ending
What I learned doing this assignment is: I don’t think I realized, even going into this class, how much I’ve struggled in the past with creating endings that deliver the message or theme I’m going for. Once again, I found myself procrastinating over this assignment; I think because perfectionism and frustration crept in when I started to realize that I never seem to think through the final beats of the script on this level. But after finally sitting down to brainstorm the questions this model has provided, I think I have something that is much more powerful than anything I would have come up with without this guidance. I’m excited to see how these modifications play out in my outline and eventual script!
What is your Profound Truth and how will it be delivered powerfully in your ending?
-POTUS sees one of the refugees at gunpoint, by security (maybe it’s not NATO security, it’s Russian security) – and it sinks in how much danger he’s putting real people in.
-He and Natalia are invited to a ceremony at the White House – even though they’ve been sworn to secrecy. They criticize the catering. Then Raf is offered a network with the biggest NATO investors. He doesn’t take it – he knows now that he can make enough of a difference right where he is. Recommends Natalia.
-He takes over her food for refugees organization to allow her to be the success that he deprived her of before.
How do your lead characters (Change Agent and Transformable Characters) come to an end in a way that represents the completed change?
Raf – starts as looking out for himself because he believes only the powerful can make a difference – and he’ll never be that powerful.
Completion:
-He makes the deal with the Russian president
-He puts the pressure on him – will tell the others – has, in fact, prepared an after-dinner cocktail that spells it out
-doesn’t allow the Russian president to intimidate him – right now, you’re just a customer and this is my kitchen
Natalia –
-hesitant to do something beyond her charity because there is no worthy successor now that Victor is dead
-but Raf jumps in and starts pitching her on ideas for distribution – has some connections, powerful people who are regulars there. Next time he’s in, I’ll talk to him. “And if he doesn’t go for it?” Raf: “I’ll keep asking until I find someone who will.”
She accepts the offer to open a restaurant in Paris, knowing that her organization is in good hands.
What are the setup/payoffs that complete in the end of this movie, giving it deep meaning?
Ending: Raf makes the deal with the Russian president. Pressures him. Has POTUS in his corner. It will be just a retreat – no getting Moldova to save face.
-In doubt: By the time dessert rolls around, POTUS commits to the treaty – an end to hostilities, and Russia gets Moldova. This crushes the Moldovan president to see his NATO colleagues throw him under the bus.
-In doubt: MM4 – he uses food to get information out of the NATO head of security – and it doesn’t work. These are important things with important people, and he’s just the cook. You can’t stand up to power. He should have kept his head down and known his place.
-In doubt: he finds the refugees – they prepared a robust protest, a pitch to the president. But they’re weak from a month without food. They can’t present themselves like this.
-In doubt: Joseph turns him in – lets the NATO head of security into the kitchen. Because you can’t stand up to people in power. They threatened his family, his career, and threw jail time at him.
SETUPS FOR TWISTS:
MM1: It’s billed as a G7 Energy Summit to address to the oil crisis, a result of Russia’s war with Ukraine and NATO boycotting Russian oil.
But when he gets there, the security is stricter than he imagined – because, secretly, the Russian president has arrived to negotiate peace, with POTUS as NATO’s lead negotiator. This is a much higher-stakes gathering than anyone knew… and the locked-down security isn’t playing around.
Leiber is POTUS’s advisor, constantly pushing that POTUS cannot let Russia invade Moldova or position itself to invade as part of the peace deal. But in actuality, Leiber is plotting to kill POTUS just before the treaty is signed so he and a cabal of NATO officials can renegotiate – and hand Moldova to Russia in exchange for Russia’s oil.
SETUPS FOR REAL ENDING:
Raf’s business partner talks about how Raf got up the courage to pitch him once when he was a line cook – and it led to this four-star restaurant. But Raf hasn’t had to sell himself since.
POTUS is conflicted about the deal, but his advisors – Leiber chief among them – advises that not letting Russia invade Moldova is what’s best for the world.
The drunken president of Moldova rails against the NATO leaders, accusing them of publicly pledging support but privately sharpening their knives to throw his country at Russia as a pawn to save their own economies.
How are you designing it to have us see an inevitable ending and then making it surprising when it happens?
The ultimate peace deal is the arrangement stated at the outset – that the world leaders won’t allow the Russian president to invade the country of Moldova… but we throw that into jeopardy when the plan becomes evident that POTUS will be killed and a separate accord signed allowing the opposite. It’s up to Raf, an ordinary person, to thwart the whole plan and back the Russian president down. But his journey is to go from someone who believes an ordinary person can’t change anything when it comes to rich and powerful people to someone who believes an ordinary person can change the world, so the journey is indicating that it’s possible.
What is the Parting Image/Line that leaves us with the Profound Truth in our minds?
SETUP: In MM1, he disparages his girlfriend for organizing a protest outside a local NRA office in the wake of a recent shooting. Nothing’s going to change, and the rally’s going to disperse when people finally get too cold and go home, just like it always does – because the bigwigs inside use their influence to hold up the media until the crowd is gone.
PAYOFF: His girlfriend and a group of people huddle in the cold outside the office building, with a bullhorn and signs. From inside, the CEO dismisses them – they’ll disperse soon; look at them. Everyone’s cold, tired, and hungry… Orders his TV network contact to wait until there’s only a few of them, then send the news crew they were promised…
…but Raf shows up with a fleet of vans bringing hot coffee and food. Media will be here soon – get ready to give ‘em hell.
We see he has a ring case in his hand, which he pockets. His girlfriend wants to know what he wanted to talk about. Raf: It can wait. Go change the world first.
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Eric Humble’s Connection with Audience
What I learned: I really enjoyed this lesson in that it gave some great guidelines on how to connect at multiple levels. I’ve never been one for writing likable characters, and as such I’ve dealt many times with readers of my writing saying that they didn’t connect with the protagonist. The other three levels have really given me some great tools to avoid this problem, and also to deliver on the business decision involving “target audience.”
Raf
Relatability:
-Feels pressure to succeed – both internal pressure he puts on himself and pressure from his business partner
-Hesitant to make a long-term commitment in his relationship for fear that comfortable stability will cause him to lose sight of pursuing his dreams
-Intimidated by the heavy security at Camp David, frustrated by all the checkpoints violating his privacy and treating him as if he’s guilty just for being there
-Still has feelings for his ex-lover Natalia, who represents a road not taken in his life
-Intimidated by the power players he’s cooking for
Intrigue:
-Chef Victor is missing – mysteriously – and Raf has stepped into his role. What happened to him? Will the same fate befall Raf?
-Natalia has lied about her political past and her qualifications to get this job – no easy feat with this security. What is her scheme? Does it involve Raf?
-Someone has slipped poison into certain ingredients in the pantry. Which of the cooks did it? Which ingredients? Who is their target?
-Someone has called the IRS and FBI to look into Raf’s business. There are mysterious accounts filled with money from foreign sources that he didn’t create. Someone is setting him up. Who?
Empathy:
-Raf is poisoned. He won’t last the evening.
-Raf has to cover for Natalia even though he knows she’s lying. His old feelings are still strong.
-Raf creates a dish using the same ingredients for the previous course, because he knows they’re not poisoned – but is sharply criticized by all the powerful people at the meal. He’s humiliated and has put the whole peace deal in jeopardy.
Likeability:
-Raf is a great chef. His style of cooking and meals are tantalizing to look at. He’s been awarded Michelin stars.
-Raf is charming, funny.
-Even though he’s a known back-stabber and social climber, he’s taking the time and effort to mentor Joseph. He’s complimentary to his staff, singling them out when they do a good job.
Natalia
Relatability:
-World traveler – has had her eyes opened from being somewhere other than the US.
-Wants to make a change in the world – sees the political system as broken but is still idealistic for the present and the future.
-Frustrated and angry that no one’s doing anything to change the world.
Intrigue:
-She’s up to something that has her worried – but she’s more concerned about where Victor disappeared off to. How will this affect her or her plans?
Empathy:
-In love with Victor, doesn’t know he’s dead… but we know.
-In danger of having her fake credentials figured out. NATO security comes down to question her.
Likeability:
-She’s not the assassin. Her plan is to smuggle in protesters in hopes of getting the President to listen to their plight and make a better deal.
-She’s concerned about the refugees she smuggled in – they’ve been in there too long without food. She wants to save them.
-Natalia is poisoned, about to die.
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Eric Humble’s Structure
What I learned: So, I’ve been procrastinating a bit on this assignment (added to which several vacations with my kids have taken me away from class for a few weeks), but I decided to post what I’ve got and move forward rather than sink into the abyss of trying to be perfect. I think I’ve been reluctant to make changes to my current thriller outline simply because thrillers have inherently complex structures and even though mine is in desperate need of this profound model to give it meaning and a strong transformational journey, I’ve been hesitant to alter the complexity of the plot. That said, I’ve actually had a few huge breakthroughs even in the midst of doing what little I’ve done on it — to the point where I’m going to alter it further than even in this post. I’ve been asking myself “what’s underneath that?” for the character’s journey and I think I’ve got a handle on the profound meaning I want for the story that has eluded me so far. I’m hoping the future lessons give me even greater insight into my story, the journey, and the characters.
MM1:
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
CHEF VICTOR hauls a heavy crate into a darkened kitchen. Hears a noise and pauses, now continues on toward the freezer. He makes a call to the FBI. Has vital information but won’t make a report until he gets some assurances… then he hears a louder noise. Hangs up. Continues into the freezers, leaving the crate. Enters into the dark. And is gone.
INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Another chef, RAF, looks out from the kitchen – eyes two well-dressed businessmen-types waiting for their food. A tense conversation between them – whatever they’re discussing isn’t going well.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf sizes them up – then goes to work. Cooks like an artist, a dancer, a scientist all rolled into one.
INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER
Finally, the food is brought out to the businessmen… who ease up. The conversation relaxes. Ends in a handshake. The tenser of the two gets up and leaves… and half the restaurant’s patrons follow! They were all this man’s agents.
Raf coaches his protege, Bakery Chef Joseph, on never getting involved in the clients’ business, never taking sides – you’re on your own in this business, it’s cutthroat. Whoever can advance your career, that’s who you cook for.
The other diner, LEIBER, remains… and Raf comes out to greet him – it’s as if they had some sort of deal in place all along. Leiber dismisses the remainder of the patrons – Leiber’s agents.
Leiber is the Secretary of State, and an old friend and former culinary school classmate, before he switched majors to political science. He sings Raf’s praises – he’s got an uncanny knack for sizing up people and catering to their psychological needs with food. Wonders aloud how many major deals have been put in place over his food? Because that was a doozy – he just helped him convince NATO’s Head of Security to hand over the reigns of security to Leiber during an upcoming Peace Summit at Camp David.
Which brings him to why he’s really here: at the summit, the President is expected to represent NATO and broker peace between Russia and Romania, who are at war. This is a big meeting – if the President can broker peace, he’ll re-establish the US’s dominance within NATO, something the world desperately needs against this Russian aggression.
And Leiber has lost his chef for the occasion – Chef Victor, Raf’s career rival, seems to have run off. He wants Raf to take over and do what he does best and use food to put the Russian president at ease so he’ll accept POTUS’s peace deal.
Raf refuses – it’s under-the-radar, no headlines and no money. It would be a chance to help save the world, but what good is that to a celebrity chef?
INT. RAF’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Raf’s pregnant girlfriend wants him to take the job. It’s the chance to do something important. But he won’t. Challenge: She’s worried that he won’t commit to her or to the baby, because he refuses to propose to her in the same way that he’s refusing this job. She’s challenging him to prove he’ll commit. Weakness: He’s never satisfied with what he has – always assumes the next thing will be better.
INT. BEDROOM – MORNING
Leiber calls and sweetens the deal: he has it from several NATO heads of state that success in this deal would grant him access to Ministers of the Interior of a number of NATO countries and investors across Europe – he could have a global empire. He agrees.
MM2:
INT. CAMP DAVID – DAY
Raf marches into the kitchen to take charge – but there’s a heavily-guarded security checkpoint… and his chef’s knives are confiscated. He bristles at the restrictions. Challenge: He’s not king of the kitchen, he’s a potential threat under lockdown. Weakness: Arrogance, used to giving the orders, not taking them.
Suddenly, he gets a call from his business partner. The FBI is there. An IRS audit turned up an undisclosed bank account and they’re seizing their hard drives. The restaurant is in jeopardy. But before Raf can get to the bottom of it, a Secret Service agent snatches away his phone!
Because the checkpoint was only round one of Leiber’s security. Additional protocols: surrender your cell phone, no one leaves, sections of the kitchen – including a second, auxiliary kitchen – are off-limits, and no contact with anyone outside the kitchen. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
INT. PANTRY – DAY
While inspecting the pantry, Raf learns from the other line cooks that the previous chef, Chef Victor, got the ingredients himself – went to the dockyards to get them fresh off the boat – brought them in in huge containers to freeze them. Everything here, including the food stock, has been in place for months to ensure security. No one has been in or out until today.
INT. STOCKROOM – DAY
Raf is startled to discover his head cook is NATALIA – who takes a swing at him with a rolling pin. She’s an ex-flame whom he betrayed to take control of a restaurant… which sent her packing from NYC back to her native Moldova. Raf tells her the animosity between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him. Natalia tells him she’s not afraid to walk – she’s gotten successful overseas, and has money enough to do whatever she wants in life. She doesn’t need this or any job. She comments that the first chef, Victor, seemed like an asshole, but at least he wasn’t Raf.
INT. UPPER FLOOR – DAY
Raf storms past the guards to make his objections to Leiber – but witnesses one high-ranking member of NATO, a firebrand, in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility on the global stage is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US involvement. Rav sizes the situation up, arrives with coffee and sorbet to settle his stomach and mind… Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation further by having water brought in for all the delegates.
INT. LOWER FLOOR – DAY
Raf is ordered back downstairs, but gets turned around. Ventures into the off-limits meat freezer…
…where he discovers Chef Victor’s body hanging among the meat. Victor’s chef’s knife is embedded in the base of his skull. Who killed him and why? He touches the handle and it breaks off.
He sees that it has a warning carved into it: Something in Moldovan. Then, in English: “Poison – President” – then, faded: “russian B.”
MM3:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
He ignores it, just here to cook. But Natalia recognizes the knife handle – and wants answers.
Raf doesn’t tell her Victor is dead… just that he found the knife, it’s a breach of security, so Leiber’s guys or NATO’s security guys must have kicked him out. Either way. they should get rid of it.
But Natalia thinks something happened to him… and translates the warning: : To the next chef: They’ll come after you, too. She’s curious why “russian” isn’t captialized, but Raf assumes it’s just because English is Victor’s second language, as evidenced by the Moldovan writing.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf ignores it, thunders around the kitchen getting the courses on schedule – but Natalia gums up the works by pulling aside a line cook Victor brought with him onto the job, someone he knows from the old country, Moldova. As the food burns, she questions him about Raf’s assertion – is Victor the type of man to get bossed around by security?
The line cook rebuffs: Victor’s a tough SOB. He has a politically subversive history. Back in Moldova, he helped smuggle Russian political prisoners to freedom in his food shipment containers. Went toe-to-toe with some Russian thugs sent to stop him, but which is why he fled back to the U.S… but he had to be dragged here. He would have gotten himself killed standing up for what he believes in.
Throughout the questioning, the line cook keeps glancing quizzically at Natalia, as if perplexed that she’s asking these questions… as if she should know already. She gives him a hard look, as if warning him to keep quiet. Raf doesn’t notice this exchange… because he’s distracted when he notices that she has something concealed in her apron, which she’s fiddling with.
Raf is now behind. He reassigns the line cook and starts up the hors d’oeuvres again himself.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Next course is up and Raf has to get back to his duty. Joseph is prepping the cake icing and doesn’t want to use all the blue pigment in the dye – when one of his staff warns him: there was a dust-up when Victor thought there was too much blue on the dessert cake and wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu… but Victor seemed rattled after that. Joseph prattles on about the pigment used to create the distinct blue color, but
Rav brushes past this, ordering him to use it all. Remember, it’s about making the customer feel at ease, not ourselves.
Natalia scorns Raf for using food as manipulation and as an instrument of his own celebrity. Food is an art that can stand for so much more – it can raise awareness, it can shine a light on certain cultures. You don’t need a disruptive protest to solve everything. Food can bring people together.
He questions her reasons for being here, for bidding for this job – because it appears she lied about her credentials to get on this cooking staff. She responds with defiance: of course she wanted to be here – they’re a room away from the most powerful people on the planet, who are poised on making a deal that will save millions, but also hurt millions… because her native country, Moldova, is going to be offered as a sacrificial lamb to Russia in exchange for peace across the rest of Europe. If there’s a chance they can change POTUS’s mind, they have to take it. Raf gives her a reality check – they’re cooks, not politicians. There’s nothing they can do for world peace, they just cook food.
But Joseph is stirred a bit by her words. He sides with Raf and mixes the rest of the pigment, can’t help her… but he’s clearly thinking about it.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf gets the next course ready – a rush of activity.
INT. PANTRY – NIGHT
In the calm moment of triumph afterward – he hears something in the pantry – could be someone rooting around, or someone struggling with someone else. He catches a hooded person sneaking a crate of food out. But he is attacked! Raf manages to cut the assailant’s hand. The hooded person abandons the food and runs away… but he also hears some other footsteps headed the other way. He finds a list of ingredients on the floor.
He looks for the ingredients in the list, in case it’s some kind of code – and finds a container of thallium, a toxic element used in rat poison. It’s empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
Raf, angry that he’s being set up to take the fall, decides to set up the line cook Victor knew from the old country.
at the situation, sets up a trail of false clues to lead Leiber to discover Victor’s body himself and deflect blame from Raf – even if it implicates one of the other cooks who is innocent.
Emotion: Anger. Challenge: Raf has been attacked by someone in his midst and is no longer safe. Weakness: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead.
But Natalia seems to know something about Victor that Raf doesn’t… enough to see through Raf’s plan. She calls him out on it – makes him see the damage it’s about to do to that poor innocent dishwasher he’s set up. So Raf heads it off, stops Leiber from finding the false clue.
He cuts a deal with Natalia – he’ll find the poisoner himself… so he’ll be considered a bigger hero when he pulls it all off. They’ll all owe him. But she’s got to drop the Victor thing in exchange. She agrees. He enlists Joseph’s help for the plan.
Challenge: The poisoner is someone among them.
Weakness: Only out for himself and his own glory.
Emotion: Bargaining
When he discovers a clue that points to Natalia’s intrigue… she seduces him. He allows himself to be seduced instead of looking for the assassin. He brings up his girlfriend, but when Natalia taunts to say he loves her and Natalia will call this off, he can’t bring himself to.
Challenge: Natalia is stirring all the old feelings from when they were together.
Weakness: Won’t propose or commit to his pregnant girlfriend.
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Raf goes to report it to Leiber. But Leiber is suspicious when he suggests he went into the off-limits area. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. He comments that everyone wants peace, even Russia, who regrets ever starting the war. It’s a question of saving face. Insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule. Raf backs off without telling him about the body… or the poison.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf orders everyone to stop what they’re doing immediately and switch aprons, then check the pockets. Everyone complies, confused… and Natalia seems panicked about what her neighboring cook will find… only to discover the pocket is empty.
During the switching, she manages to burn her hand—the same hand that Raf injured on the assailant. An accident or is she covering up the original wound?
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Natalia gets everyone back to work… then comes over to question him – what the hell was that? He tells her about the poison – it’s somewhere in this kitchen, since the place has been hermetically sealed for weeks. She urges him to shut it down – but Raf decides to ferret out the poisoner himself… so he’ll be considered a bigger hero when he pulls it all off. Think of the connections he’ll have all over the world!
He shows her the list of ingredients. She’s struck by it, restrains tears. He recognizes that it’s Victor’s handwriting from the other notes around here – thinks the poison must be in one of these ingredients. He’s going to substitute others for them in all the recipes.
Reviews are coming back – favorable. POTUS loved the last course. Natalia comments that she hates POTUS for his policies on Moldova, where her family hails from. He’s a bully kicking small young countries around.
INT. BREAKROOM – NIGHT
Natalia lures him into the breakroom under the pretext of seduction… and he gives in to it despite being conflicted because he has a pregnant girlfriend… but in the midst of undressing, Natalia picks his pocket of the list of ingredients. He notices. Strongarms her – what does she know??
She deflects – by kicking a floorboard loose and revealing a cell phone and a gun nested inside. She acts as surprised by the discovery as he is… but to us it seems that she isn’t really surprised. There’s commotion in the kitchen – a fire that has gotten out of control. She rushes out to deal with it.
Raf, meanwhile, checks the voicemail on the phone… last one was from Natalia, threatening Victor if he didn’t go through with her “plan.”
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Midpoint: Raf returns to question her – to find Leiber’s security on him, guns drawn, ordering him to drop the phone… and seeing the gun in the floor. They tackle him to the ground. He glares at Natalia behind him, as Leiber assigns her the job of chef. Leiber has Raf brought away.
Natalia starts asking around about Victor to the other cooks. Raf, angry at the situation, sets up a trail of false clues to lead Leiber to discover Victor’s body himself and deflect blame from Raf – even if it implicates one of the other cooks who is innocent.
Emotion: Anger. Challenge: Raf has been attacked by someone in his midst and is no longer safe. Weakness: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead.
But Natalia seems to know something about Victor that Raf doesn’t… enough to see through Raf’s plan. She calls him out on it – makes him see the damage it’s about to do to that poor innocent dishwasher he’s set up. So Raf heads it off, stops Leiber from finding the false clue.
He cuts a deal with Natalia – he’ll find the poisoner himself… so he’ll be considered a bigger hero when he pulls it all off. They’ll all owe him. But she’s got to drop the Victor thing in exchange. She agrees. He enlists Joseph’s help for the plan.
Challenge: The poisoner is someone among them.
Weakness: Only out for himself and his own glory.
Emotion: Bargaining
When he discovers a clue that points to Natalia’s intrigue… she seduces him. He allows himself to be seduced instead of looking for the assassin. He brings up his girlfriend, but when Natalia taunts to say he loves her and Natalia will call this off, he can’t bring himself to.
Challenge: Natalia is stirring all the old feelings from when they were together.
Weakness: Won’t propose or commit to his pregnant girlfriend.
MM5:
INT. HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
The NATO head of security – from Raf’s restaurant at the beginning – has his security forces lock Raf down. But Leiber enters, takes charge, clears the room, as a friend… only to interrogate him himself. Shows him surveillance video looking like Raf is plotting to kill Chef Victor to get the job. Questions him on the sudden deposits of cash in his accounts – from shell companies owned by Russian oligarchs. Raf is dumbstruck, insists the video is a deepfake…
Leiber is called out urgently before he can drop the hammer on him.
As he leaves, surveillance video of Raf and Natalia making out blips onto Chef Victor’s phone with a message: What would she think? Followed by a live video feed of Raf’s girlfriend … taken by someone watching her, whom she is clearly unaware of. A message: Cook the dinner on time and stop playing detective.
INT. DINING ROOM/ANTEROOM – NIGHT
The negotiations are going well. POTUS is prepared to make some concessions and wrap this up early… until Leiber vehemently goads him into fighting for everything on their agenda. POTUS is suspicious of how vehement he is, suggests he have some water. Leiber refuses, goes to get some air first.
INT. RESTRICTED AREA – NIGHT
Raf has overheard the whole heated exchange, comments on it. Leiber, calming himself, states the NATO countries sense an opportunity here to emerge from the US’s shadow. Leiber pours himself a whiskey, eschewing the table water… and Raf suggests he take the sprig of rosemary someone didn’t eat, light it on fire and drop it into the drink with some ice. Leiber does so – and the drink is perfect.
Raf shows him the markings on the confiscated chef’s knife, and tells him about the poison – about everything except the body downstairs. Natalia is the poisoner, and Leiber just handed her the keys to the kitchen.
Leiber conspires with Raf – there’s only one way Raf can get back down to that kitchen at this point… and worse, only one way he can get Leiber down there as well. Raf’s career, life, and future will take a hit if he does this and doesn’t deliver. Raf is all ears to the plan.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The NATO security chief comes to transfer him out of Camp David to a US Secret Service holding facility… but Raf uses the chef’s knife (which he suddenly is armed with) to take Leiber hostage… but as they back away from the armed security, Leiber guides him to a secret door that leads down to the kitchens.
MM6:
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf continues the hostage charade and orders everyone to drop everything and go to the auxiliary kitchen. Orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen is surrounded by armed guards. There’s no getting out of this alive unless Raf comes up with something proving the existence of the poison plot. But with Leiber with him now, Leiber focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President, a diabetic… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison, if his story is true. But Raf isn’t too sure – the knife specifically says “Russian.” There’s only one person who can confirm.
INT. AUXILIARY PANTRY – NIGHT
Natalia discovers the crate of food that Victor was seen dragging in the opening scene. She goes white at the sight… filled with a sudden dread. Opens it… to see nothing but food, exactly what one would expect to see – except she is in a panic at it.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf takes the ingredients out of the pantry, cooks a dish using just them. Pulls Natalia aside and serves it to her. She’s appalled, because he’s so certain these ingredients were poisoned… but then Leiber enters: they’re not. He’s brought along a kit to test for thallium – no poison on them. Raf takes a bite. So does Natalia, who then comments that Raf was always the better chef of the two. Raf presses her: so what’s with the list? She takes a sip of water and deflects, “What list?”
Raf calls her out – the list was in her pocket. She’s the one who attacked him in the pantry. She confesses Chef Victor was her lover.
This was the way they’d met, shopping for these ingredients and he promised to cook her something she’d never experienced before. And he told her that if the day ever came when they’d part ways, he’d end it by cooking it to her again. She got this in the mail two weeks ago, and that’s the last she’s heard from him. That’s when she petitioned to get this job.
Raf notes that she seems genuinely surprised – and doesn’t seem to know he’s dead. But Leiber presses her – what about the voicemail? What was she pressuring Victor to do?
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
Natalia suddenly breaks from them, runs, but comes to a shocked halt at the dead body of Chef Victor. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her… when she suddenly collapses. She’s been poisoned.
But she pleads with him to trust her – and says “they’re running out of food.” As Leiber hauls her out, Raf notices there’s a hatch in the floor.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
The final course is just rolling out. Nothing left now but dessert – and Raf is off the hook now that they have Natalia in custody. Job well done.
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
Rav returns – and opens the hatch. In a basement area, twenty Moldovan refugees, sick with hunger are huddled together. He gets them one of the containers of food. They tell him that Natalia and Victor snuck them down here in a container Victor got off the dockyards – the plan was to keep them hidden here since before the security sweep… they were to wait it out a month until the peace summit when Victor would let them out to go in and protest the US’s concessions that affect the smaller NATO countries.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Then, Joseph comments on the unique coloring used for the cake again – Prussian blue is overused. He regales Raf with the history of the pigment and how it’s a natural antidote to thallium poisoning. Raf realizes that there isn’t a plot to poison one of the world leaders – they’ve all already been poisoned – and everyone is set to ingest the antidote with dessert – except POTUS, who will abstain because he’s diabetic. He finally understands Victor’s clue – not “Russian,” but “Prussian Blue.”
MM7:
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President when the others have dessert.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
He intercepts Leiber and tells him the poison is in the drinking water. The world leaders have all already been poisoned… at the cocktail party that was going on while he sobered up the drunken world leader.
Leiber acts like he’s calling it in. Then holds a gun on Raf. You chefs, always need to know everything that’s going on in your kitchen. Leiber is the one behind the whole thing – and he’s still got the set-up in place to frame Raf for it all, even the poisoning of Natalia!
But the gun Leiber has is the one Natalia unearthed from beneath the floor – and it’s unloaded. Raf escapes through the secret door.
INT. PANTRY – NIGHT
The food coloring is upstairs with the desserts.
Rav, thinking quickly, pockets a chocolate bar… why, we don’t know.
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
He gets Prussian blue pigment from Joseph, who brought along his art kit along with pigments.
INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
The NATO head of security is overhearing all this… thinking… orders his men to come with him.
INT. TUNNEL/HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
Raf uses the secret door to sneak Prussian Blue dye into the holding area, forces it into Natalia’s mouth… tells her she’ll feel better once it has metabolized in a few minutes.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
President is a diabetic – which is why Leiber knew he’d refuse dessert. Raf has to get him to inadvertently intake too much sugar and need insulin… into which he’ll inject the Prussian blue. If the President is on the verge of a diabetic coma, he’ll have no choice but to take the “tainted” insulin.
He has to:
a.) get hold of insulin… which one of the refugees has… and place the Prussian blue pigment in it.
b.) Bake something that looks savory or like vegetables, but is actually a super-sweet cake.
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
The NATO head of security comes upon the hatch beneath Chef Victor’s body. Hears voices. Opens it to see the refugees eating hungrily. He’s baffled.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf has to quickly bake the deceptive cake that looks like root vegetables, which he does with Joseph’s assistance… but Leiber is there, armed with a kitchen knife.
INT. HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
Natalia groans, takes a turn for the worse. A secret service agent goes to help her – when she springs up and gets his gun. Locks him in the room.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf turns up the flames, purposefully sprays Leiber with vodka, running in a line to the gas stove. He holds a flaming food item on the end of a grill skewer over it – and continues cooking with one hand, freezing Leiber on the spot.
But Leiber reveals he has poisoned Raf already – and the poison is kicking in. His heart is stopping… when Natalia, recovered, shows up to help.
INT. PRIVATE MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
Everyone finishes dessert, feeling bolstered… but in the midst of final talks, POTUS feels ill. The drunken world leader from earlier gloats, introducing POTUS and the Russian President to the cabal surrounding them – they want to elevate the status of certain NATO countries by allowing Russia to wage war and sabotaging the US’s might in forging the peace treaty. So now the real negotiations, more favorable to Russia, may commence.
But Raf shows up with a treat to go along with the coffee, which should rejuvenate his spirit – root vegetables, no sugar. But as he’s eating it, Leiber also arrives, and the cabal know him to be their man. They allow them both to stay to serve coffee.
It’s getting harder and harder for Rav to stagger about.
The President realizes he’s eaten too much sugar. Raf apologizes, offers him insulin – but it’s blue, and he doesn’t trust it. But he, too, is now gasping for hair, fading under the double hit of too much sugar and thallium in the blood. Raf implores him – trust me, it’s insulin.
The Secret Service barge in – and Leiber accuses Raf of trying to poison POTUS with tainted insulin.
And Leiber has a spare insulin vial for POTUS, just in case. POTUS takes it… but is still bleary. Raf reveals it was a fake-out – they really were root vegetables with a natural sweetness but low sugar. Now the President has taken too much insulin… and needs sugar to counter it. One of the aides rushes into the dinner room and gives him a piece of the blue cake.
Raf takes the blue insulin and injects it into himself. They’re all tense, guns on him. “What was in that?” Raf: “Antidote… and insulin.” Then he takes out the chocolate bar and chomps down on it.
POTUS, recovering, demands to know what the hell is going on? Raf tells him his Secretary of State is a murderer and a traitor. Leiber counters that no one said anything about a cabal – the President isn’t well and has to be looked after. The others gaslight him, back him up. The Russian president remains mute. Raf tells him his Secretary of State is a murderer. Leiber once again counters – that’s an outrageous accusation from a chef who just tried to poison the President. I don’t suppose you have a witness to this crime?
Suddenly, the NATO security chief storms the room with his men, guns drawn on Leiber and the other leaders. In fact, he has twenty witnesses… and behind him, the Moldovan refugees file in. They saw him kill Chef Victor. Natalia leads them – and wants to talk to the President.
MM8:
INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION – DAY
Afterwards, Raf and Natalia are invitees at a gala, along with Raf’s girlfriend. Raf asks Natalia what she’s doing for dinner… but not for a date. He wants her to have dinner at his place – his fiancee will be dying to meet her.
POTUS introduces Raf to a foreign dignitary interested in opening business to Americans… the President has put in a good word with him. Raf declines the offer – he’s got family here. But recommends Natalia – his better in every way.
INT. RAF’S RESTAURANT – BACKROOM – DAY
Raf’s cooks are preparing meals for a shelter for Moldovan refugees – he’s stern. They’re not just giving food to these hungry people, they’re giving a taste of home during peacetime. Raf takes off, passes the reigns to his protege so he can go on a baby-moon with his girlfriend… where he plans to propose.
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Eric Humble’s Three Gradients
What I learned is: This lesson was especially challenging as it deals with some of the aspects of creating a transformational journey that I’ve struggled with (and which drew me to this class). My story deals with forced change, and as such a lot of the emotional gradient steps are familiar to me from the Mini Movie Method, which echoes a lot of that type of arc – but the “Desired Change” emotional gradient was eye-opening. In doing this lesson, I realized I needed to amend my Transformational Logline so that the main conflict of the thriller story came through. I feel like the ending of the logline (and the transformational journey) is a little more vague right now, which could pose problems. I stressed about this for a bit, but I’ve decided to post what I have right now and move on. Hopefully the next steps will help address some of these issues. The story is definitely starting to work on a deeper level, which is strengthening the outline I’m working off of.
What is the Emotional Gradient you’ll use? Forced Change
For each emotion of that gradient, tell us the following:
Emotion: Denial
Action: Gets back to the kitchen and pours himself into the work and the
fast-paced schedule.
Challenge: Natalia has found Victor’s chef’s knife – and wants answers as to why
it’s here and what the cryptic warning on it means.
Weakness: Hyperfocused on success – on keeping this job so he can secure the
next one.
Emotion: Anger
Action: Sets up a trail of false clues to lead Leiber to discover Victor’s body
himself and deflect blame from Raf – even if it implicates one of the
other cooks who is innocent
Challenge: Raf has been attacked by someone in his midst and is no longer safe
Weakness: Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
Emotion: Bargaining
Action: Decides to ferret out the poisoner himself… so he’ll be considered a
bigger hero when he pulls it all off. Think of the connections he’ll have all over the world!
Challenge: The poisoner is someone among them.
Weakness: Only out for himself and his own glory.
Emotion: Bargaining
Action: Allows himself to be seduced by Natalia instead of looking for the
assassin.
Challenge: Natalia is stirring all the old feelings from when they were together.
Weakness: Won’t propose or commit to his pregnant girlfriend.
Emotion: Depression
Action: Comes clean to Leiber, admits to everything he’s found.
Challenge: He’s detained, with no chance of getting back in the kitchen.
Weakness: Self-destructive
Emotion: Acceptance
Action: Destroys his chances at establishing his restaurant chain by taking Leiber
hostage and moving the dinner to the adjoining kitchen.
Challenge: NATO security will kill him unless he proves what’s really going on
here.
Weakness: Vindictive – still wants to get back at Natalia for setting him up.
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Eric Humble’s Analysis of Dead Poets Society (4B)
DAY 4B – ANALYSIS OF DEAD POETS SOCIETY
What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?
Change: The boys change from timid and operating within the rigid confines of the school to free thinkers empowered to express themselves and stand by their own opinions.
Lead characters:
Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?
Mr. Keating – he has a vision of what these boys’ lives can be because he was once a student in this oppressive school, but has since moved away and has lived in the world outside its rigid structure.
Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?
Todd, Neil, Knox, Charlie, and Meeks – they each are trapped within the school’s rigid conformist philosophy and in thrall to the headmaster and their parents. They each need to change in different ways within their lives, but each needs to start with free thinking and “seizing the day.”
Todd needs to find the courage to speak up for himself, to stand up to the establishment and his parents, and to live outside the shadow of his brother’s accomplishments.
Neil needs to escape his father’s domineering insistence that he go to Harvard and become a doctor and instead embrace his love of acting.
Knox needs to find the courage to pursue Chris.
Charlie is the boldest of the group, but he needs to escape the confines of the school.
Meeks needs to escape the rigid thinking that the establishment has drilled into him.
What is the Oppression?
The school itself – a world of rules where the teachers don’t trust the students to have ideas of their own and their parents have planned out the students’ lives without ever giving them a voice of their own.
How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?
The ways in which the boys are controlled by the school and their families makes each of them relatable at the outset. We see them interacting as ordinary boys, except that they choose to meet in study groups and are constantly working to improve their academic standing – which makes us want to see a change in them.
We’re lured into the journey just as the kids are – by Mr. Keating’s decidedly different, fun, and iconoclastic teaching style. Just as he encourages the kids to seize the day, we start reflecting how we may need this in our own lives.
Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion:
Todd: Old ways – too scared to speak up even among his friends, believing his voice is worthless, living in the shadow of his brother. New way – stands on the desk over the objection of the headmaster and calls out O Captain My Captain.
Neil: Old ways – does whatever his father tells him, strives for the best grades. New way – continues on with the play despite his father’s objections.
Knox: Old ways – defeated when he meets Chris because she’s seeing a popular jock; believes he has no chance so he can’t make a move. New way – marches into her school and reads her a poem he wrote… and gets a date to take her to the play.
Charlie: Old ways – bold among his friends, but won’t buck the system outright. New way – is a smartass to the headmaster at the school assembly; takes the lessons of the Dead Poets Society to a new level by insisting they live by poetry not simply read it.
What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
They rip out the introduction to the poetry book. Learn to compose their own poetry and read it aloud.
Neil reforms the Dead Poets Society against the rules of the school.
Todd joins the Dead Poets Society under the condition that he doesn’t have to read or speak.
Todd composes a poem in front of the class with Keating locking eyes with him.
Neil joins the play and forges his father’s signature.
Knox calls Chris.
Knox goes to the party and makes a move on Chris while she’s passed out.
Charlie writes a missive demanding girls at the school and alludes to the Dead Poets Society.
Knox goes to Chris’s school and reads her a poem he wrote about her aloud in front of her class.
Charlie mouths off to the headmaster during the assembly.
Charlie gets paddled but doesn’t rat out the Society.
Neil does the play despite his father demanding he quit.
Charlie refuses to go along with the scapegoating of Keating and gets expelled.
Neil commits suicide now that he’s found his voice and his passion rather than allowing his father to dictate his life.
Todd stands up on the desk and shouts O Captain My Captain. He inspires the rest of the boys to do the same.
How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
Keating teaches in an unorthodox fashion, much different than the rigid, “traditional” methods of the other teachers – he leads them out of the classroom, has them march and stand on the desk to see things from a different perspective, has them rip pages out their books, inspires them to compose poetry and read it aloud.
Keating shows them pictures of students from eras past – and makes them realize their mortality, and that to be great, you need to seize the day.
Neil has Todd throw the desk set off the bridge.
Neil tries out for the play against his father’s wishes and discovers his passion for acting.
Charlie brings girls to the cave for the Poets Society.
Knox calls Chris – and discovers she’s thinking about him. His belief that he had no chance is challenged and his boldness is rewarded.
Charlie is paddled.
Neil’s father demands he quit the play and return to the old ways – but Neil decides to do the play anyway… but doesn’t take Keating’s advice to use his voice to convince his father of his passion.
What are the most profound moments of the movie?
Keating teaches them to Seize the Day.
Keating coaches Todd to compose on the fly and Todd creates a powerful poem in front of the class.
Keating has them march in the courtyard and teaches them how easy it is to fall into conformity – then teaches them to stand by their own voice even when the establishment tells them they’re wrong.
Neil delivers Puck’s final speech directly to his father, mirroring what his father told him about making him a liar.
Neil commits suicide rather than submit to his father’s plan.
Todd stands on the desk and shouts O Captain My Captain – inspiring everyone in the class to do the same.
What are the most profound lines of the movie?
“Seize the day.”
Keating’s lectures – each is inspiring in its own way.
Todd’s poem.
How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?
Neil delivers Puck’s final speech directly to his father, mirroring his father’s
comment that Neil made a liar out of him.
Keating’s comment that they’re all “food for worms” comes back in the form of
Neil dying.
The Dead Poets Society huddles in the school attic rather than the cave to
commiserate on what is about to happen to them.
The headmaster reasserts his authority by making the kids sign the document
that gets Keating fired.
The boys call Keating O Captain My Captain and stand on their desks, as they
were taught.
What is the Profound Truth of this movie?
Finding your own voice rather than conform comes at a steep price… but it’s worth it in the end.
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Eric Humble’s Lead Characters (4A)
What I learned: This lesson really showed the model in stark relief. I never really considered the ideas of the oppression or the betraying character, but after reading this lesson, I have a deeper understanding of how each of these elements contribute to the audience’s emotional reaction to the journey. Adding/modifying the existing characters in my outline to include these elements will change some of the scenes and relationships but shouldn’t affect the plot too drastically; the upside is that the lead character’s transformational journey will be much deeper and more intensely felt than in the current draft. I can’t wait to see how it pans out in the writing of the script.
Tell us your transformational journey logline.
An ambitious chef who only cares about his own success must help disrupt peace talks by smuggling in a group of refugees and discovers he can affect real change by picking a side other than his own self-interest.
Tell us who you think might be your Change Agent and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role. Also, include: – Their vision: – Their past experience that fits that vision:
Natalia.
She’s from Moldova and after Raf betrayed her and took over her restaurant, was forced to return there… where she saw firsthand the price the US’s sanctions against Russia had against the people of the smaller countries. But she also saw the devastation of violence — and what good can come from people willing to keep talking… because the people pressured the corrupt politicians to concede and create a no-fly zone pact with Russia over Moldova.
Her vision is that one ordinary person can affect real change with powerful people.
Tell us who you think might be your Transformable Character(s) and give a few sentences about how that character or characters fit the role.
Raf.
Raf is a talented chef who is afraid of failure and stagnation—which doomed his dad. So he pushes himself to succeed in ever higher circles… but he’s focused only on himself. Doesn’t believe that a person can change the world, he can just adapt and succeed within it.
Tell us who or what you think might be The Oppression and give a few sentences about how The Oppression works in your story.
The dinner —it’s on a strict schedule. Leiber’s security forces are extremely restrictive, isolating, and punitive at the first sign of violation. The cardinal rules: don’t take sides and get the food served on time.
Tell us who you think might be your Betraying Character and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role.
Joseph.
Joseph is one of the line cooks, an expert in art whose presentation skills are better than his cooking. Joseph is neutral, keeps to himself, goes where the wind blows – which has kept him working during different regimes and under the strictest of leadership. He expresses himself only privately, in art, never publicly. Natalia recruits him to help her smuggle the refugees… but eventually, he caves to the pressure of security and rats out Raf to Leiber, accusing him of being more involved in the schemes going on than he lets on he does – which in turn gets Raf detained and removed from the kitchen.
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Eric Humble’s Transformational Journey
What I learned is: This aspect of the transformational journey for my current outline (and many of my other projects as well) is what drew me to take this class. I’ve often struggled with creating the journey that leads from the “old ways” to the “new ways” in a way that feels organic to the story. With this concept and current outline, I’ve really struggled with what the journey can be and how it can unfold, so I’m excited to see how we construct this aspect — but I had a real breakthrough with the idea of writing a logline that focuses just on the transformational journey… it really helped me figure out where I want to the story to go and how it can impact the audience. The logline for the journey doesn’t pertain much to main plot of my thriller but it involves the red herring thread of the plot, and in doing so justifies that thread and ties it into the meaning of the story in a much deeper way than it did before… and this is all without making any adjustments to the outline at the moment! Just thinking through the story from this aspect is causing me to see it differently and understand it in a more impactful way.
Tell us your logline for the transformational journey.
An ambitious chef who only cares about his own success must help disrupt peace talks by smuggling in a group of refugees and discovers he can affect real change by picking a side other than his own self-interest.
Tell us what you see as the Old Ways.
Old Ways:
-Hyperfocused on success – on the “next thing”
-Refuses to take sides – only out for himself
-Backstabs, betrays, whatever it takes to get ahead
-Won’t propose to his pregnant girlfriend
Tell us what you see as the New Ways.
New Ways:
-Invested in his current restaurants and their clientele – even those who can’t advance
his career
-Picks a side – and loses a deal to establish his restaurants across NATO countries
-Creates charity meals for the refugee and immigrant community
-Proposes to his girlfriend
-Gives away a lucrative and prestigious opportunity to his ex-flame
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Eric Humble’s First Three Decisions
What I learned is: I’m working off an outline I developed in the Thriller Class last month, where the character arc wasn’t as powerful as I wanted it to be. WOW. Already, in just two lessons, I’m discovering depth and opportunities to build something really affecting into the character’s journey and the ending. This lesson really got me thinking about the depth of the underlying themes — particularly the exercise of “what’s beneath that?” I used that technique on each of these questions and was able to brainstorm some really interesting ideas that work with the existing plot but take the story to a truly affecting place. I’m very excited to see what comes next in this class!
What is your profound truth?
Success is unfulfilling if it only benefits you.
What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?
Anyone can change the world – even you.
What is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?
WORLD: The world of cooking juxtaposed against geopolitics – the story takes place entirely in the kitchen at Camp David while the President brokers a peace deal between NATO countries and Russia.
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Eric Humble’s Analysis of GROUNDHOG DAY
What I learned: This was an eye-opening experience. I’ve been well-versed in the Mini Movie Method since taking the class with ScreenwritingU 10 years ago, and that model is ideal for structuring a transformational journey of the lead character… except I’ve often struggled with the character arc despite this. I’ve never really analyzed a movie by looking at things such as the change agent and the oppression, and when you examine this movie beat by beat you see how the gradient of change is achieved with a mini movie structure but also on a deeper level. I can’t wait to see what comes next in the program and how to apply these concepts to my current outline!
What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?
Phil Conners changes from a self-centered prima donna who looks down on everyone as “morons” to someone who helps everyone he interacts with in the town. He changes from SELFISH to SELFLESS.
Lead characters:
Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?
Rita — she’s grounded, is empathetic of other people, particularly small-town people. Phil’s opposite. She’s the right one to cause the change because Phil falls in love with her and can’t shake the attraction – which forces him to change his ways in order to be the person she needs him to be.
Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?
Phil Conners – he starts as ego-centric and looking down on the people around him and goes on a journey of discovering that instead of acting aloof and using others, his life is more fulfilled by interacting, helping, and engaging with others. From SELFISH to SELFLESS.
What is the Oppression?
Having to relive the same day over and over.
How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?
Phil starts the story as a selfish jerk, but he’s funny and charming even when being rude everyone around him. We’re lured into the journey because Rita is a likable character as his counterpoint. Her presence keeps the movie from being too mean – and instead gives us hope that Phil can be more like her and see the world the way she sees it.
The oppression is something we experience along with Phil, so even when he’s acting in selfish ways, we’re still fascinated by how he’ll solve the oppression.
Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion:
Phil is changed most. His profound journey is from selfish to selfless.
Old way: ego-centric; ambitious, looks down on everyone else as “morons;” mocks people, uses them to get what he wants.
New way:
What is the gradient of the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
-Denial of the situation
-Tries to get help in the traditional ways: asks Rita for help, sees a neurologist, then a psychiatrist.
-Decides that since there will be no consequences, he won’t live by “their rules” anymore and breaks the law, acts impulsively, eats whatever he wants, manipulates people knowing that he’ll be able to use what knowledge he learns the next time around, robs an armored car; makes the world his playground
-Uses what he learns about Rita day after day to engineer her “perfect day” in order to seduce her
-When this proves to never work, he spirals into depression until he takes the drastic step of kidnapping the groundhog – and killing himself.
-After surviving death many times, he appeals to Rita for help in earnest… and has a realization that he’s been a jerk when she treats him with genuine affection on the one time he has no agenda with her.
-He starts trying to better himself and learn new skills – which causes him to start interacting with the people of the town in non-selfish ways.
-Even after trying to be better, he realizes he can’t save the old man from dying… and confronting this death causes him to live for the moment.
-Phil is kind and thoughtful to everyone in the town without agenda and achieves true happiness – which is what finally wins Rita’s heart… and breaks the curse.
-He ends by expressing that he wants to live in the town he said he didn’t want to spend another minute in at the beginning.
How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
-needs help and in desperation, goes to Rita, whom he’s belittled and patronized thus far.
-despondent, he drinks with the two guys he called “morons” in the diner earlier, then has a wild adventure with them as he decides to drive erratically and lead the police on a chase to see if he’ll face consequences the next day or simply relive Groundhog Day again
-he manipulates Nancy using the knowledge he gains from a previous Groundhog Day… but finds himself thinking of Rita while seducing her
-he does everything he wants without consequence, but can’t stop being attracted to Rita
-tries the same act on Rita, but always blows it when she repeatedly sees through his manipulation – because she’s not a moron and can see through his act to his selfishness each time
-he tries to kill himself over and over only to survive death and relive the same again
-he appeals to Rita with the truth and enlists her help without an agenda – and forms a genuine bond with her in his newfound humility
-he decides to be kinder to people and sets about using his time to better himself and learn new skills.
-He discovers the old homeless man is going to die this day and tries to save him – but no matter how much he tries to give him a day of care, it always ends with the old man dying… and Phil learns true humility in the ways he can’t help others with his eternity.
What are the most profound moments of the movie?
-Phil approaches Rita for help without any agenda. During their day together he has a moment of self-realization that to her he’ll be the same jerk he’s always been in the morning again. The sequence ends with Phil in bed reading to Rita and as she falls asleep, he tells her he’s never seen anyone who’s nicer to people than her.
-Phil learns the old man passed away and makes it his mission to try and save him – but is never able to. He learns real humility in the things he can’t accomplish during his eternity on Groundhog Day.
-Phil is selflessly kind to everyone in the town and uses what he’s learned to their benefit, accepting that it won’t change his situation… culminating in making an ice sculpture of Rita’s face and confessing to her that no matter what happens, he’s happy in the moment as a kind person… which ultimately wins her over and allows him to move on to the next day.
What are the most profound lines of the movie?
-“She’s fun, just not my kind of fun.”
-“Some people would look at this glass and say it’s half full. Others would say it’s half empty. You look like a half empty kind of guy, am I right?”
-“I could never love anyone like you, Phil, because you’ll never love anyone but yourself.”
-”The worst part is tomorrow you won’t remember any of this and you’ll just think I’m a jerk again. I am a jerk.”
-”I’ve never seen anyone who’s nicer to people to than you.”
-”The first time I saw you, something happened. I never told you. But I knew I wanted to hold you as hard as I could. I don’t deserve someone like you. But if I ever could, I swore I would love you for the rest of my life.”
-”Sometimes people just die.”
“Not today.”
-”No matter what happens tomorrow or for the rest of my life, I’m happy now.”
-”You said stay so I stayed.”
-”Do you know what today is? Today is tomorrow. It happened.”
-”Is there anything I can do for you – today?”
“Let’s live here. We’ll rent to start.”
How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?
During his final day, Phil interacts with all of the characters who have been peripheral around the town – learning from all the things he’s observed so far. He plays the piano at the party he initially refused to go to and becomes the star of the show. He sculpts an ice sculpture of Rita – a callback to Phil walking despondently past ice sculptures early on. He buys insurance from Ned Ryerson, saves the mayor from choking, and rescues the women with the flat tire – all showing how he’s changed from looking down on the people of the Punxatawny to being humble and generous with them. He spends the night with Rita – and she’s still there in the morning even though the same song is replayed on the radio… and ends the movie by declaring that he wants to live there from now on.
What is the Profound Truth of this movie?
Being selfish and ego-centric is isolating and makes you cynical. Being selfless and kind brings happiness and contentment.
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Hi everyone. My name is Eric Humble. I’ve written about five screenplays. I’ve been taking classes with ScreenwritingU for 10 years and have improved my writing immeasurably from the training. With this class, I’m hoping to improve my skills in crafting two of the business decisions I make before each script, namely creating characters that connect to the target audience and creating a strong and meaningful transformational journey that comes through in both the script and ultimately the pitch. In addition to screenwriting, I’m a stay-at-home dad to two (going on three) boys and I’m trying to break into illustrating graphic novels.
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Eric Humble
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Eric Humble’s Readable Thriller Map
What I learned: is that writing a thriller is much simpler when you break the process into Big MIS then follow each of the threads backwards before twisting everything together. This has been a great class, and I can’t wait to write the script from this outline. It’s one of the best, fastest outlines I’ve ever written.
MM1:
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
CHEF VICTOR hauls a heavy crate into a darkened kitchen. Hears a noise and pauses, now continues on toward the freezer. He makes a call to the FBI. Has vital information but won’t make a report until he gets some assurances… then he hears a louder noise. Hangs up. Continues into the freezers, leaving the crate. Enters into the dark. And is gone.
INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Another chef, RAF, looks out from the kitchen – eyes two well-dressed businessmen-types waiting for their food. A tense conversation between them – whatever they’re discussing isn’t going well.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf sizes them up – then goes to work. Cooks like an artist, a dancer, a scientist all rolled into one.
INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER
Finally, the food is brought out to the businessmen… who ease up. The conversation relaxes. Ends in a handshake. The tenser of the two gets up and leaves… and half the restaurant’s patrons follow! They were all this man’s agents.
The other one, LEIBER, remains… and Raf comes out to greet him – it’s as if they had some sort of deal in place all along. Leiber dismisses the remainder of the patrons – Leiber’s agents.
Leiber is the Secretary of State, and an old friend and former culinary school classmate, before he switched majors to political science. He sings Raf’s praises – he’s got an uncanny knack for sizing up people and catering to their psychological needs with food. Wonders aloud how many major deals have been put in place over his food? Because that was a doozy – he just helped him convince NATO’s Head of Security to hand over the reigns of security to Leiber during an upcoming Peace Summit at Camp David.
Which brings him to why he’s really here: at the summit, the President is expected to represent NATO and broker peace between Russia and Romania, who are at war. This is a big meeting – if the President can broker peace, he’ll re-establish the US’s dominance within NATO, something the world desperately needs against this Russian aggression.
And Leiber has lost his chef for the occasion – Chef Victor, Raf’s career rival, seems to have run off. He wants Raf to take over. If they pull this off, he’ll have an opening to get his restaurant chain into any of the NATO countries.
INT. RAF’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
MM2:
INT. CAMP DAVID – DAY
Raf goes through a heavily-guarded security checkpoint… and his chef’s knives are confiscated. He bristles at the restrictions.
Suddenly, he gets a call from his business partner. The FBI is there. An IRS audit turned up an undisclosed bank account and they’re seizing their hard drives. The restaurant is in jeopardy. But before Raf can get to the bottom of it, a Secret Service agent snatches away his phone!
Because the checkpoint was only round one of Leiber’s security. Additional protocols: surrender your cell phone, no one leaves, sections of the kitchen – including a second, auxiliary kitchen – are off-limits, and no contact with anyone outside the kitchen. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
INT. PANTRY – DAY
While inspecting the pantry, Raf learns from the other line cooks that the previous chef, Chef Victor, got the ingredients himself – went to the dockyards to get them fresh off the boat – brought them in in huge containers to freeze them. Everything here, including the food stock, has been in place for months to ensure security. No one has been in or out until today.
INT. STOCKROOM – DAY
Raf is startled to discover his head cook is NATALIA – who takes a swing at him with a rolling pin. She’s an ex-flame whom he betrayed to take control of a restaurant… which sent her packing from NYC back to her native Moldova. Raf tells her the animosity between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him. Natalia tells him she’s not afraid to walk – she’s gotten successful overseas, and has money enough to do whatever she wants in life. She doesn’t need this or any job. She comments that the first chef, Victor, seemed like an asshole, but at least he wasn’t Raf.
INT. UPPER FLOOR – DAY
Raf storms past the guards to make his objections to Leiber – but witnesses one high-ranking member of NATO, a firebrand, in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility on the global stage is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US involvement. Rav sizes the situation up, arrives with coffee and sorbet to settle his stomach and mind… Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation further by having water brought in for all the delegates.
INT. LOWER FLOOR – DAY
Raf is ordered back downstairs, but gets turned around. Ventures into the off-limits meat freezer…
…where he discovers Chef Victor’s body hanging among the meat. Victor’s chef’s knife is embedded in the base of his skull. Who killed him and why?
With their public feud and Raf’s reputation for stabbing people in the back, this will look like he killed Victor to get the job.
The knife handle has a warning carved into it: “Poison –
President” – then, faded: “russian.”
MM3:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Raf enlists Natalia’s help interpreting the clues on the knife, but doesn’t tell her Victor is dead… just that he found the knife, it’s a breach of security, so that must indicate that something happened to him… and he can’t shake the thought that Victor is trying to warn him of something with this. She’s curious why “russian” isn’t captialized, but Raf assumes it’s just because English is Victor’s second language.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf and Natalia question a line cook Victor brought with him onto the job, someone he knows from the old country, Moldova – and he confesses that Victor has a politically subversive history. Back in Moldova, he helped smuggle Russian political prisoners to freedom in his food shipment containers. Got in some trouble for it, which is why he fled back to the U.S.
Throughout the questioning, the line cook keeps glancing quizzically at Natalia, as if perplexed that she’s asking these questions… as if she should know already. She gives him a hard look, as if warning him to keep quiet. Raf doesn’t notice this exchange… because he’s distracted when he notices that she has something concealed in her apron, which she’s fiddling with.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Next course is up and Raf has to get back to his duty. He berates a cook, JOSEPH, whose presentation is flawless, as he’s a visual artist, but whose cooking is sub-par – just as Joseph comments on the unique coloring used for the dessert cake – the unique blue pigment is overused.
Natalia scorns Raf for using food as manipulation and as an instrument of his own celebrity. Food is an art that can stand for so much more – it can raise awareness, it can shine a light on certain cultures. You don’t need a disruptive protest to solve everything. Food can bring people together.
Joseph tells them there was a dust-up when Victor thought there was too much blue on the dessert cake and wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu… but Victor seemed rattled after that. Joseph prattles on about the pigment used to create the distinct blue color, but Rav brushes past this, ordering him to get the cooking right.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf gets the next course ready – a rush of activity.
INT. PANTRY – NIGHT
In the calm moment of triumph afterward – he hears something in the pantry – could be someone rooting around, or someone struggling with someone else. He catches a hooded person sneaking a crate of food out. But he is attacked! Raf manages to cut the assailant’s hand. The hooded person abandons the food and runs away… but he also hears some other footsteps headed the other way. He finds a list of ingredients on the floor.
He looks for the ingredients in the list, in case it’s some kind of code – and finds a container of thallium, a toxic element used in rat poison. It’s empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Raf goes to report it to Leiber. But Leiber is suspicious when he suggests he went into the off-limits area. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. He comments that everyone wants peace, even Russia, who regrets ever starting the war. It’s a question of saving face. Insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule. Raf backs off without telling him about the body… or the poison.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf orders everyone to stop what they’re doing immediately and switch aprons, then check the pockets. Everyone complies, confused… and Natalia seems panicked about what her neighboring cook will find… only to discover the pocket is empty.
During the switching, she manages to burn her hand—the same hand that RAF injured on the assailant. An accident or is she covering up the original wound?
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Natalia gets everyone back to work… then comes over to question him – what the hell was that? He tells her about the poison – it’s somewhere in this kitchen, since the place has been hermetically sealed for weeks. She urges him to shut it down – but Raf decides to ferret out the poisoner himself… so he’ll be considered a bigger hero when he pulls it all off. Think of the connections he’ll have all over the world!
He shows her the list of ingredients. She’s struck by it, restrains tears. He recognizes that it’s Victor’s handwriting from the other notes around here – thinks the poison must be in one of these ingredients. He’s going to substitute others for them in all the recipes.
Reviews are coming back – favorable. POTUS loved the last course. Natalia comments that she hates POTUS for his policies on Moldova, where her family hails from. He’s a bully kicking small young countries around.
INT. BREAKROOM – NIGHT
Natalia lures him into the breakroom under the pretext of seduction… and he gives in to it despite being conflicted because he has a pregnant girlfriend… but in the midst of undressing, Natalia picks his pocket of the list of ingredients. He notices. Strongarms her – what does she know??
She deflects – by kicking a floorboard loose and revealing a cell phone and a gun nested inside. She acts as surprised by the discovery as he is… but to us it seems that she isn’t really surprised. There’s commotion in the kitchen – a fire that has gotten out of control. She rushes out to deal with it.
Raf, meanwhile, checks the voicemail on the phone… last one was from Natalia, threatening Victor if he didn’t go through with her “plan.”
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Midpoint: Raf returns to question her – to find Leiber’s security on him, guns drawn, ordering him to drop the phone… and seeing the gun in the floor. They tackle him to the ground. He glares at Natalia behind him, as Leiber assigns her the job of chef. Leiber has Raf brought away.
MM5:
INT. HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
The NATO head of security – from Raf’s restaurant at the beginning – has his security forces lock Raf down. But Leiber enters, takes charge, clears the room, as a friend… only to interrogate him himself. Shows him surveillance video looking like Raf is plotting to kill Chef Victor to get the job. Questions him on the sudden deposits of cash in his accounts – from shell companies owned by Russian oligarchs. Raf is dumbstruck, insists the video is a deepfake…
Leiber is called out urgently before he can drop the hammer on him.
As he leaves, surveillance video of Raf and Natalia making out blips onto Chef Victor’s phone with a message: What would she think? Followed by a live video feed of Raf’s girlfriend … taken by someone watching her, whom she is clearly unaware of. A message: Cook the dinner on time and stop playing detective.
INT. DINING ROOM/ANTEROOM – NIGHT
The negotiations are going well. POTUS is prepared to make some concessions and wrap this up early… until Leiber vehemently goads him into fighting for everything on their agenda. POTUS is suspicious of how vehement he is, suggests he have some water. Leiber refuses, goes to get some air first.
INT. RESTRICTED AREA – NIGHT
Raf has overheard the whole heated exchange, comments on it. Leiber, calming himself, states the NATO countries sense an opportunity here to emerge from the US’s shadow. Leiber pours himself a whiskey, eschewing the table water… and Raf suggests he take the sprig of rosemary someone didn’t eat, light it on fire and drop it into the drink with some ice. Leiber does so – and the drink is perfect.
Raf shows him the markings on the confiscated chef’s knife, and tells him about the poison – about everything except the body downstairs. Natalia is the poisoner, and Leiber just handed her the keys to the kitchen.
Leiber conspires with Raf – there’s only one way Raf can get back down to that kitchen at this point… and worse, only one way he can get Leiber down there as well. Raf’s career, life, and future will take a hit if he does this and doesn’t deliver. Raf is all ears to the plan.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The NATO security chief comes to transfer him out of Camp David to a US Secret Service holding facility… but Raf uses the chef’s knife (which he suddenly is armed with) to take Leiber hostage… but as they back away from the armed security, Leiber guides him to a secret door that leads down to the kitchens.
MM6:
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf continues the hostage charade and orders everyone to drop everything and go to the auxiliary kitchen. Orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen is surrounded by armed guards. There’s no getting out of this alive unless Raf comes up with something proving the existence of the poison plot. But with Leiber with him now, Leiber focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President, a diabetic… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison, if his story is true. But Raf isn’t too sure – the knife specifically says “Russian.” There’s only one person who can confirm.
INT. AUXILIARY PANTRY – NIGHT
Natalia discovers the crate of food that Victor was seen dragging in the opening scene. She goes white at the sight… filled with a sudden dread. Opens it… to see nothing but food, exactly what one would expect to see – except she is in a panic at it.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf takes the ingredients out of the pantry, cooks a dish using just them. Pulls Natalia aside and serves it to her. She’s appalled, because he’s so certain these ingredients were poisoned… but then Leiber enters: they’re not. He’s brought along a kit to test for thallium – no poison on them. Raf takes a bite. So does Natalia, who then comments that Raf was always the better chef of the two. Raf presses her: so what’s with the list? She takes a sip of water and deflects, “What list?”
Raf calls her out – the list was in her pocket. She’s the one who attacked him in the pantry. She confesses Chef Victor was her lover.
This was the way they’d met, shopping for these ingredients and he promised to cook her something she’d never experienced before. And he told her that if the day ever came when they’d part ways, he’d end it by cooking it to her again. She got this in the mail two weeks ago, and that’s the last she’s heard from him. That’s when she petitioned to get this job.
Raf notes that she seems genuinely surprised – and doesn’t seem to know he’s dead. But Leiber presses her – what about the voicemail? What was she pressuring Victor to do?
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
Natalia suddenly breaks from them, runs, but comes to a shocked halt at the dead body of Chef Victor. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her… when she suddenly collapses. She’s been poisoned.
But she pleads with him to trust her – and says “they’re running out of food.” As Leiber hauls her out, Raf notices there’s a hatch in the floor.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
The final course is just rolling out. Nothing left now but dessert – and Raf is off the hook now that they have Natalia in custody. Job well done.
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
Rav returns – and opens the hatch. In a basement area, twenty Moldovan refugees, sick with hunger are huddled together. He gets them one of the containers of food. They tell him that Natalia and Victor snuck them down here in a container Victor got off the dockyards – the plan was to keep them hidden here since before the security sweep… they were to wait it out a month until the peace summit when Victor would let them out to go in and protest the US’s concessions that affect the smaller NATO countries.
Then, Joseph comments on the unique coloring used for the cake again – Prussian blue is overused. He regales Raf with the history of the pigment and how it’s a natural antidote to thallium poisoning. Raf realizes that there isn’t a plot to poison one of the world leaders – they’ve all already been poisoned – and everyone is set to ingest the antidote with dessert – except POTUS, who will abstain because he’s diabetic. He finally understands Victor’s clue – not “Russian,” but “Prussian Blue.”
MM7:
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President when the others have dessert.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
He intercepts Leiber and tells him the poison is in the drinking water. The world leaders have all already been poisoned… at the cocktail party that was going on while he sobered up the drunken world leader.
Leiber acts like he’s calling it in. Then holds a gun on Raf. You chefs, always need to know everything that’s going on in your kitchen. Leiber is the one behind the whole thing – and he’s still got the set-up in place to frame Raf for it all, even the poisoning of Natalia!
But the gun Leiber has is the one Natalia unearthed from beneath the floor – and it’s unloaded. Raf escapes through the secret door.
INT. PANTRY – NIGHT
The food coloring is upstairs with the desserts.
Rav, thinking quickly, pockets a chocolate bar… why, we don’t know.
INT. AUXILIARY KITCHEN – NIGHT
He gets Prussian blue pigment from Joseph, who brought along his art kit along with pigments.
INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
The NATO head of security is overhearing all this… thinking… orders his men to come with him.
INT. TUNNEL/HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
Raf uses the secret door to sneak Prussian Blue dye into the holding area, forces it into Natalia’s mouth… tells her she’ll feel better once it has metabolized in a few minutes.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
President is a diabetic – which is why Leiber knew he’d refuse dessert. Raf has to get him to inadvertently intake too much sugar and need insulin… into which he’ll inject the Prussian blue. If the President is on the verge of a diabetic coma, he’ll have no choice but to take the “tainted” insulin.
He has to:
a.) get hold of insulin… which one of the refugees has… and place the Prussian blue pigment in it.
b.) Bake something that looks savory or like vegetables, but is actually a super-sweet cake.
INT. MEAT FREEZER – NIGHT
The NATO head of security comes upon the hatch beneath Chef Victor’s body. Hears voices. Opens it to see the refugees eating hungrily. He’s baffled.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf has to quickly bake the deceptive cake that looks like root vegetables, which he does with Joseph’s assistance… but Leiber is there, armed with a kitchen knife.
INT. HOLDING AREA – NIGHT
Natalia groans, takes a turn for the worse. A secret service agent goes to help her – when she springs up and gets his gun. Locks him in the room.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Raf turns up the flames, purposefully sprays Leiber with vodka, running in a line to the gas stove. He holds a flaming food item on the end of a grill skewer over it – and continues cooking with one hand, freezing Leiber on the spot.
But Leiber reveals he has poisoned Raf already – and the poison is kicking in. His heart is stopping… when Natalia, recovered, shows up to help.
INT. PRIVATE MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
Everyone finishes dessert, feeling bolstered… but in the midst of final talks, POTUS feels ill. The drunken world leader from earlier gloats, introducing POTUS and the Russian President to the cabal surrounding them – they want to elevate the status of certain NATO countries by allowing Russia to wage war and sabotaging the US’s might in forging the peace treaty. So now the real negotiations, more favorable to Russia, may commence.
But Raf shows up with a treat to go along with the coffee, which should rejuvenate his spirit – root vegetables, no sugar. But as he’s eating it, Leiber also arrives, and the cabal know him to be their man. They allow them both to stay to serve coffee.
It’s getting harder and harder for Rav to stagger about.
The President realizes he’s eaten too much sugar. Raf apologizes, offers him insulin – but it’s blue, and he doesn’t trust it. But he, too, is now gasping for hair, fading under the double hit of too much sugar and thallium in the blood. Raf implores him – trust me, it’s insulin.
The Secret Service barge in – and Leiber accuses Raf of trying to poison POTUS with tainted insulin.
And Leiber has a spare insulin vial for POTUS, just in case. POTUS takes it… but is still bleary. Raf reveals it was a fake-out – they really were root vegetables with a natural sweetness but low sugar. Now the President has taken too much insulin… and needs sugar to counter it. One of the aides rushes into the dinner room and gives him a piece of the blue cake.
Raf takes the blue insulin and injects it into himself. They’re all tense, guns on him. “What was in that?” Raf: “Antidote… and insulin.” Then he takes out the chocolate bar and chomps down on it.
POTUS, recovering, demands to know what the hell is going on? Raf tells him his Secretary of State is a murderer and a traitor. Leiber counters that no one said anything about a cabal – the President isn’t well and has to be looked after. The others gaslight him, back him up. The Russian president remains mute. Raf tells him his Secretary of State is a murderer. Leiber once again counters – that’s an outrageous accusation from a chef who just tried to poison the President. I don’t suppose you have a witness to this crime?
Suddenly, the NATO security chief storms the room with his men, guns drawn on Leiber and the other leaders. In fact, he has twenty witnesses… and behind him, the Moldovan refugees file in. They saw him kill Chef Victor. Natalia leads them – and wants to talk to the President.
MM8:
INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION – DAY
Afterwards, Raf and Natalia are invitees at a gala, along with Raf’s girlfriend. Raf asks Natalia what she’s doing for dinner… but not for a date. He wants her to have dinner at his place – his fiancee will be dying to meet her.
POTUS introduces Raf to a foreign dignitary interested in opening business to Americans… the President has put in a good word with him. Raf declines the offer – he’s got family here. But recommends Natalia – his better in every way.
INT. RAF’S RESTAURANT – BACKROOM – DAY
Raf’s cooks are preparing meals for a shelter for Moldovan refugees – he’s stern. They’re not just giving food to these hungry people, they’re giving a taste of home during peacetime. Raf takes off, passes the reigns to his protege so he can go on a baby-moon with his girlfriend… where he plans to propose.
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Eric Humble Misdirects… When Appropriate!
What I learned: The most valuable breakthrough I had with this lesson is that misdirection is best when worked into the existing elements of the story. I spent more time making sure the cover-up, the villain’s plan, and the red herring’s plan were strong (and I think I still have more work to do on that) than on adding any new misdirection elements. I added one new clue that is misinterpreted — but even this was always part of my plan for the story. This pass really helped me shore up what I’ve got in place so that the story is twisty but avoids confusion.
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone. TWIST: But while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals. Trust: Leiber gives him the job – is his contact man. Everything he knows about the job comes from Leiber.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Current Direction: Leiber has strong security in place but he’s been cleared…. TWIST: …except that’s the first level. The additional protocols are that no one leaves once admitted, sections of the kitchen are off-limits, and they won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly. Covert Clue: They’ve had the kitchens sealed off for a month, just to make sure they’re secure.
Covert Clue: Leiber comments that everyone wants peace, even Russia, who regrets ever starting the war. It’s a question of saving face.
Raf knows head cook Sal. Trust: She’s an ex-flame, but at least she’s someone he knows – well. Distrust: She has a violent temper, and an axe to grind with him… comes at him with a knife, assuming his ambition is what drove him to get the other chef replaced. Distrust: Raf confronts her and tells her what’s between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him. Covert clue/misdirect: Sal mentions that she has money enough to do whatever she wants in life. She doesn’t need any job.
Mystery 1: No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. COVER UP: Sal claims she didn’t know him and he was a shit boss. All of the cooks were hired so as not to have history with each other. Covert clue: While inspecting the pantry, Raf learns from the other line cooks that the previous chef got the ingredients himself – went to the dockyards to get the prawns fresh off the boat – brought them in in huge containers.
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Current Direction: Rav sizes the situation up, arrives with coffee and sorbet to settle his stomach and mind… Twist: …but he gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off. He feels compelled to report this. Covert clue: The drunk world leader claims that there are people all across Europe ready to take the lead should the US fail.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: Current Direction: Looking for Leiber to report his suspicions, Rav enters the off-limits meat freezer. Twist: He discovers the rival chef’s body hanging there. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3/Overt clue: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: “Poison
President
Faded: Russian Bl”
Misdirection: Rav interprets this to mean that someone will poison the Russian president.
Trust: Raf finds a warning the previous chef carved into the chef’s knife – and believes it enough to make it his quest to find out who killed him before he becomes the next victim.
REVEAL: The original chef is dead.
DRAMATIC IMPACT: It looks like Sal killed him because he tried to talk her out of whatever she was about to do.
MM3:
COVER UP: Sal is an assassin planning to poison some part of the meal. Current Direction: Raf takes the logical first steps – goes to report it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4/Twist: Distrust: Leiber is suspicious of him for suggesting he went into the off-limits area. Raf doesn’t trust that Leiber will take his side instead of arresting him and backs off, doesn’t tell him about the body. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. Insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: Learns from Sal that there was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Overt clue: He started questioning the menu… and thought there was too much blue on the dessert cakes.
COVER UP: Sal hates POTUS for his policies on Montenegro, where her family hails from. He’s a bully kicking small young countries around. The thallium poison must be intended for POTUS.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Overt clue: Sal has something concealed in her apron…. But it’s a phone, not poison. DEMAND: (Intrigue) Raf overhears her telling someone that the previous chef is out. He didn’t have what it takes.
Life-Threatening 2: Overt clue: Sal sneaks food out of the pantry and tries to get it to the closed-off section… but Raf catches her and she attacks him (unseen – he just sees that he has hurt the assailant’s hand). Doesn’t get away with the food – and the food doesn’t appear to be tainted.
OR Overt clue: Sal attacks him in the pantry when he finds the recipe under the seasoning.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Current Direction: There’s nothing there. Twist: Trust: Raf finds the rat poison container – thallium – tucked under a floor panel at the chef’s station, left there by the first chef. Its cartridge is empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Current Direction: Raf tries to warn the US President –Twist: …but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Covert clue: Raf berates the cook whose presentation is flawless, as he’s a visual artist, but whose cooking is sub-par. Sal scorns Raf for using food as manipulation and as an instrument of his own celebrity. Food is an art that can stand for so much more – it can raise awareness, it can shine a light on certain cultures. You don’t need a disruptive protest to solve everything. Food can bring people together.
Red Herring Mystery 2: He catches Sal burning her hand to cover the wound he made during the scuffle.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner. Current direction: Tries to tell him everything. Needs to get him to contact the police… Twist: …but the partner is calling about something more urgent. An audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Life-Threatening 4: Current direction: The Chinese president contacts him – he knows who the target is: the president of Montenegro. He urges Raf to cook him something off the menu, something he will prepare himself. Raf is in a dilemma: trust an enemy or take the chance he’s right. Raf decides to do what the Chinese president says once he expresses admiration and a possible opening of one of Raf’s restaurants in Macao.
Trust Leiber/Distrust Previous Chef: Leiber discredits the previous chef – Leiber informs him that the previous chef wasn’t fired for political sympathies – he was fired because they discovered he was once involved in a plot to smuggle Russian political prisoners into Montenegro.
Midpoint/Twist: He cooks the alternate dish on the side and switches it before they serve it – but it’s a trap by the Chinese president – the president of Montenegro is allergic to an ingredient. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Twist: …including China, whose president has never heard of him. It was a set up by the real assassin, who knows Raf is onto him!
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: Current Direction: Leiber is on his side and is rescuing him. He brings Raf into the restricted area… Twist: …for interrogation. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
DEMAND: (Mystery) The negotiations are going well – too well. POTUS is prepared to make some
concessions and wrap this up early… and Leiber goads him into fighting for everything on
their agenda – gets vehement. Too vehement. POTUS suggests he have some water. He
refuses, goes to get some air first.
Covert clue: While he’s detained, Rav overhears this heated exchange between Leiber and POTUS. Comments on it. Leiber, calming himself, states the NATO countries sense an opportunity here to emerge from the US’s shadow.
DEMAND: Overt clue: Sal makes an excuse to go to the side of the line cooks… and slips something out from beneath the lid of seasoning…. A folded paper. Sal discovers a goodbye note from the previous chef in her pocket. (Intrigue) It’s a shopping list, but it makes her cry.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: Raf finds the note after she throws it away… and cooks the dish. Orders her
on a break and serves it to her. She’s appalled… then confesses the original chef was her lover.
This was the way they’d met, shopping for these ingredients and he promised to cook her
something she’d never experienced before. And he told her that if the day ever came when
they’d part ways, he’d end it by cooking it to her again. This must mean he’s gone.
DEMAND: (Mystery) Sal loved him – and thinks he’s still alive… because she’s trying to
contact him.
Overt clue: Raf gets hold of Sal’s phone and calls the one number in it – and the person answers in Montenegrin.
Red Herring Mystery 4: Distrust: Leiber goes over the cooking staff’s bona fides. None with allegiances to any of the governments represented except the USA. Sal is listed as Albanian… but Raf knows she was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Trust: The previous chef leaves a note to use the original kitchen in the off-limits area. It’s clean. He does so.
Covert clue: Sal mentions that the chef had strong feelings about Russia and NATO’s treatment of Montenegro. It’s a proud nation, tired of being bullied and forced to accept certain sanctions against Russia that hurt its people harder than the other nations, as he saw it.
Mystery 9: Current Direction: Raf is under close guard as he proceeds to cook as planned. Twist: Raf takes Leiber hostage and switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
Intrigue 6: Trust: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Sal didn’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Distrust: DEMAND: (Intrigue) Sal breaks from Raf and runs to the dead body of the original chef… but as Leiber arrests her, he notices there’s a hatch in the floor.
Current Direction: Sal appears to be the assassin. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her. Twist/Trust: DRAMATIC REVEAL: But she pleads with him to trust her – and says “they’re running out of food.”
DEMAND: (Intrigue) Leiber is in a rush to get the dessert served. Looking at his watch anxiously.
(Suspense) The world leaders start looking a little ill. Everyone has drunk the water.
REVEAL: He returns to investigate… discovers the second kitchen is housing protesters she and the original chef had smuggled in to invade and disrupt the peace conference.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Sal to bluff her into talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Sal is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. Her mission, with the help of her lover the previous chef, was to disrupt the peace treaty by smuggling in protesters to bring awareness to the cost of the US’s bullying dominance. But since the original chef was killed, the people are still in the hatch, starving, because they’ve been there for a month since the place was inspected and sealed and haven’t been able to get fresh food.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Twist: Sal eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Mystery 11: DEMAND: (Intrigue/Mystery) Raf charges into the room and eats the remainder of the food. And is fine… it isn’t poisoned… but then he sees the only thing he hasn’t consumed is the drinking water. That’s where the poison is, but it’s too late. He’s being taken into custody.
Turning Point Two: DRAMATIC REVEAL: One of the line cooks, an annoying guy interested in art whose presentation always stuns but whose cooking quality is lacking, comments on the unique coloring used for the cake – Prussian blue is overused. Then he regales Raf with the history of the pigment and how it’s a natural antidote to thallium poisoning. Raf realizes they’ve all been poisoned – but everyone but POTUS will get the antidote because he’s diabetic. Reveal: He finally understands the clue – not “Russian,” but “Prussian Blue.”
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: He intercepts Leiber and tells him the poison is in the drinking water. Leiber acts like he’s calling it in. Then holds a gun on Raf. You chefs, always need to know everything that’s going on in your kitchen.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: As POTUS is dying, Leiber gloats that he works for a cabal who want to elevate the status of certain NATO countries by allowing Russia to wage war and sabotaging the US’s might in forging the peace treaty.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes.
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
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Eric Humble’s Engaging Clue Trails
What I learned: that the clue trails are easiest to devise through brainstorming from the established Cover/Mystery/Reveal setup, then sprinkled into the outline in a non-linear fashion. This is the first time I’ve had such an easy experience leaving clues throughout the outline. It was very clear but I think has created a great sense of intrigue and mystery when experienced by the reader.
OUTLINE WITH CLUE TRAIL
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone. TWIST: But while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals. Trust: Leiber gives him the job – is his contact man. Everything he knows about the job comes from Leiber.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Current Direction: Leiber has strong security in place but he’s been cleared…. TWIST: …except that’s the first level. The additional protocols are that no one leaves once admitted, sections of the kitchen are off-limits, and they won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
Covert Clue: Leiber comments that everyone wants peace, even Russia, who regrets every starting the war. It’s a question of saving face.
Raf knows head cook Sal. Trust: She’s an ex-flame, but at least she’s someone he knows – well. Distrust: She has a violent temper, and an axe to grind with him… comes at him with a knife, assuming his ambition is what drove him to get the other chef replaced. Distrust: Raf confronts her and tells her what’s between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him. Covert clue/misdirect: Sal mentions that she has money enough to do whatever she wants in life. She doesn’t need any job.
Mystery 1: No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. COVER UP: Sal claims she didn’t know him and he was a shit boss. All of the cooks were hired so as not to have history with each other. Covert clue: While inspecting the pantry, Raf learns from the other line cooks that the previous chef got the ingredients himself – went to the dockyards to get the prawns fresh off the boat – brought them in in huge containers
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Current Direction: Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind with a snack… Twist: …and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off. He feels compelled to report this. Covert clue: The drunk world leader claims that there are people all across Europe ready to take the lead should the US fail.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: Current Direction: Looking for Leiber to report his suspicions, Rav enters the off-limits meat freezer. Twist: He discovers the rival chef’s body hanging there. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3/Overt clue: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
Trust: Raf finds a warning the previous chef carved into the chef’s knife – and believes it enough to make it his quest to find out who killed him before he becomes the next victim.
REVEAL: The original chef is dead.
DRAMATIC IMPACT: It looks like Sal killed him because he tried to talk her out of whatever she was about to do.
MM3:
COVER UP: Sal is an assassin planning to poison some part of the meal. Current Direction: Raf takes the logical first steps – goes to report it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4/Twist: Distrust: Leiber is suspicious of him for suggesting he went into the off-limits area.questions why he ventured into the off-limits area. Raf doesn’t trust that Leiber will take his side instead of arresting him and backs off, doesn’t tell him about the body. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. Insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: Learns from Sal that there was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Overt clue: He started questioning the menu… and thought there was too much blue on the dessert cakes.
COVER UP: Sal hates POTUS for his policies on Montenegro, where her family hails from. He’s a bully kicking small young countries around. The thallium poison must be intended for POTUS.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Overt clue: Sal has something concealed in her apron…. But it’s a phone, not poison. DEMAND: (Intrigue) Sal has snuck in a cell phone and Raf overhears her telling someone that the previous chef is out. He didn’t have what it takes.
Life-Threatening 2: Overt clue: Sal sneaks food out of the pantry and tries to get it to the closed-off section… but Raf catches her and she attacks him (unseen – he just sees that he has hurt the assailant’s hand). Doesn’t get away with the food – and the food doesn’t appear to be tainted.
OR Overt clue: Sal attacks him in the pantry when he finds the recipe under the seasoning.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Current Direction: There’s nothing there. Twist: Trust: Raf finds the rat poison container – thallium – tucked under a floor panel at the chef’s station, left there by the first chef. Its cartridge is empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Current Direction: Raf tries to warn the US President –Twist: …but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Covert clue: Raf berates the cook whose presentation is flawless, as he’s a visual artist, but whose cooking is sub-par. Sal scorns Raf for using food as manipulation and as an instrument of his own celebrity. Food is an art that can stand for so much more – it can raise awareness, it can shine a light on certain cultures. You don’t need a disruptive protest to solve everything. Food can bring people together.
Red Herring Mystery 2: He catches Sal burning her hand to cover the wound he made during the scuffle.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner. Current direction: Tries to tell him everything. Needs to get him to contact the police… Twist: …but the partner is calling about something more urgent. An audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Life-Threatening 4: Current direction: The Chinese president contacts him – he knows who the target is: the president of Montenegro, who is about to join NATO. He urges Raf to cook him something off the menu, something he will prepare himself. Raf is in a dilemma: trust an enemy or take the chance he’s right. Raf decides to do what the Chinese president says once he expresses admiration and a possible opening of one of Raf’s restaurants in Macao.
Trust Leiber/Distrust Previous Chef: Leiber discredits the previous chef – Leiber informs him that the previous chef wasn’t fired for political sympathies – he was fired for actively planning to kill one of the world leaders.
Midpoint/Twist: He cooks the alternate dish on the side and switches it before they serve it – but it’s a trap by the Chinese president – the president of Montenegro is allergic to an ingredient. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Twist: …including China, whose president has never heard of him. It was a set up by the real assassin, who knows Raf is onto him!
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: Current Direction: Leiber is on his side and is rescuing him. He brings Raf into the restricted area… Twist: …for interrogation. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
DEMAND: (Mystery) The negotiations are going well – too well. POTUS is prepared to make some
concessions and wrap this up early… and Leiber goads him into fighting for everything on
their agenda – gets vehement. Too vehement. POTUS suggests he have some water. He
refuses, goes to get some air first.
Covert clue: While he’s detained, he overhears this heated exchange between Leiber and POTUS. Comments on it. Leiber, calming himself, states the NATO countries sense an opportunity here to emerge from the US’s shadow.
DEMAND: Overt clue: Sal makes an excuse to go to the side of the line cooks… and slips something out from beneath the lid of seasoning…. A folded paper. Sal discovers a goodbye note from the previous chef in her pocket. (Intrigue) It’s a shopping list, but it makes her cry.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: Raf finds the note after she throws it away… and cooks the dish. Orders her
on a break and serves it to her. She’s appalled… then confesses the original chef was her lover.
This was the way they’d met, shopping for these ingredients and he promised to cook her
something she’d never experienced before. And he told her that if the day ever came when
they’d part ways, he’d end it by cooking it to her again. This must mean he’s gone.
DEMAND: (Mystery) Sal loved him – and thinks he’s still alive… because she’s trying to
contact him.
Overt clue: Raf gets hold of the phone and calls the one number in it – and the person answers in Montenegrin.
Red Herring Mystery 4: Distrust: Leiber goes over the cooking staff’s bona fides. None with allegiances to any of the governments represented except the USA. Sal is listed as Spanish… but Raf knows she was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Trust: The previous chef leaves a note to use the original kitchen in the off-limits area. It’s clean. He does so.
Covert clue: Sal mentions that the chef had strong feelings about Russia and NATO’s treatment of Montenegro. It’s a proud nation, tired of being bullied and forced to accept certain sanctions against Russia that hurt its people harder than the other nations, as he saw it.
Mystery 9: Current Direction: Raf is under close guard as he proceeds to cook as planned. Twist: Raf takes Leiber hostage and switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
Intrigue 6: Trust: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Sal didn’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Distrust: DEMAND: (Intrigue) Sal breaks from Raf and runs to the dead body of the original chef… but as Leiber arrests her, he notices there’s a hatch in the floor.
Current Direction: Sal appears to be the assassin. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her. Twist/Trust: DRAMATIC REVEAL: But she pleads with him to trust her – and says “they’re running out of food.”
DEMAND: (Intrigue) Leiber is in a rush to get the dessert served. Looking at his watch anxiously.
(Suspense) The world leaders start looking a little ill. Everyone has drunk the water.
REVEAL: He returns to investigate… discovers the second kitchen is housing protesters she and the original chef had smuggled in to invade and disrupt the peace conference.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Sal to bluff her into talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Sal is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. Her mission, with the help of her lover the previous chef, was to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Twist: Sal eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Mystery 11: DEMAND: (Intrigue/Mystery) Raf charges into the room and eats the remainder of the food. And is fine… it isn’t poisoned… but then he sees the only thing he hasn’t consumed is the drinking water. That’s where the poison is, but it’s too late. He’s being taken into custody.
Turning Point Two: DRAMATIC REVEAL: One of the line cooks, an annoying guy interested in art whose presentation always stuns but whose cooking quality is lacking, comments on the unique coloring used for the cake – Prussian blue is overused. Then he regales Raf with the history of the pigment and how it’s a natural antidote to thallium poisoning. Raf realizes they’ve all been
poisoned – but everyone but POTUS will get the antidote because he’s diabetic.
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: He intercepts Leiber and tells him the poison is in the drinking water. Leiber acts like he’s calling it in. Then holds a gun on Raf. You chefs, always need to know everything that’s going on in your kitchen.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: As POTUS is dying, Leiber gloats that he works for a cabal who want to elevate the status of certain NATO countries by allowing Russia to wage war and sabotaging the US’s might in forging the peace treaty.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes.
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
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Eric Humble’s Reveals
What I learned is: This lesson really made me rethink and strengthen my red herring track, as most of the covers/reveals stem from that storyline. I think I have a much firmer grasp of MIS now that I’ve gone through and structured the reveals using this method.
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone. TWIST: But while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals. Trust: Leiber gives him the job – is his contact man. Everything he knows about the job comes from Leiber.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Current Direction: Leiber has strong security in place but he’s been cleared…. TWIST: …except that’s the first level. The additional protocols are that no one leaves once admitted, sections of the kitchen are off-limits, and they won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
Raf knows head cook Sal. Trust: She’s an ex-flame, but at least she’s someone he knows – well. Distrust: She has a violent temper, and an axe to grind with him… comes at him with a knife, assuming his ambition is what drove him to get the other chef replaced. Distrust: Raf confronts her and tells her what’s between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him.
DEMAND: (Intrigue) Sal has snuck in a cell phone and Raf overhears her telling someone that the previous chef is out. He didn’t have what it takes.
Mystery 1: No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. COVER UP: Sal claims she didn’t know him and he was a shit boss. All of the cooks were hired so as not to have history with each other.
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Current Direction: Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind with a snack… Twist: …and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off. He feels compelled to report this.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: Current Direction: Looking for Leiber to report his suspicions, Rav enters the off-limits meat freezer. Twist: He discovers the rival chef’s body hanging there. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
Trust: Raf finds a warning the previous chef carved into the chef’s knife – and believes it enough to make it his quest to find out who killed him before he becomes the next victim.
REVEAL: The original chef is dead.
DRAMATIC IMPACT: It looks like Sal killed him because he tried to talk her out of whatever she was about to do.
MM3:
COVER UP: Sal is an assassin planning to poison some part of the meal. Current Direction: Raf takes the logical first steps – goes to report it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4/Twist: Distrust: Leiber is suspicious of him for suggesting he went into the off-limits area.questions why he ventured into the off-limits area. Raf doesn’t trust that Leiber will take his side instead of arresting him and backs off, doesn’t tell him about the body. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: Learns from Sal that there was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
COVER UP: Sal hates POTUS for his policies on Montenegro, where her family hails from. He’s a bully kicking small young countries around. The thallium poison must be intended for POTUS.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Life-Threatening 2: Raf goes looking in the pantry and someone unseen (Sal) attacks him. He doesn’t see that it’s Sal, just that he hurt the assailant’s hand.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Current Direction: There’s nothing there. Twist: Trust: Raf finds the rat poison container – thallium – tucked under a floor panel at the chef’s station, left there by the first chef. Its cartridge is empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Current Direction: Raf tries to warn the US President –Twist: …but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Red Herring Mystery 2: He catches Sal burning her hand to cover the wound he made during the scuffle.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner. Current direction: Tries to tell him everything. Needs to get him to contact the police… Twist: …but the partner is calling about something more urgent. An audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Life-Threatening 4: Current direction: The Chinese president contacts him – he knows who the target is: the president of Montenegro, who is about to join NATO. He urges Raf to cook him something off the menu, something he will prepare himself. Raf is in a dilemma: trust an enemy or take the chance he’s right. Raf decides to do what the Chinese president says once he expresses admiration and a possible opening of one of Raf’s restaurants in Macao.
Trust Leiber/Distrust Previous Chef: Leiber discredits the previous chef – Leiber informs him that the previous chef wasn’t fired for political sympathies – he was fired for actively planning to kill one of the world leaders. They found his lab at home where he was making the poison… and Leiber suspects he had an accomplice on the cooking staff.
Midpoint/Twist: He cooks the alternate dish on the side and switches it before they serve it – but it’s a trap by the Chinese president – the president of Montenegro is allergic to an ingredient. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Twist: …including China, whose president has never heard of him. It was a set up by the real assassin, who knows Raf is onto him!
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: Current Direction: Leiber is on his side and is rescuing him. He brings Raf into the restricted area… Twist: …for interrogation. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
DEMAND: (Mystery) The negotiations are going well – too well. POTUS is prepared to make some
concessions and wrap this up early… and Leiber goads him into fighting for everything on
their agenda – gets vehement. Too vehement. POTUS suggests he have some water. He
refuses, goes to get some air first.
DEMAND: (Suspense) Sal discovers a goodbye note from him in her pocket.
(Intrigue) It’s a shopping list, but it makes her cry.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: Raf finds the note after she throws it away… and cooks the dish. Orders her
on a break and serves it to her. She’s appalled… then confesses the original chef was her lover.
This was the way they’d met, shopping for these ingredients and he promised to cook her
something she’d never experienced before. And he told her that if the day ever came when
they’d part ways, he’d end it by cooking it to her again. This must mean he’s gone.
DEMAND: (Mystery) Sal loved him – and thinks he’s still alive… because she’s trying to
contact him.
Red Herring Mystery 4: Distrust: Leiber goes over the cooking staff’s bona fides. None with allegiances to any of the governments represented except the USA. Sal is listed as Spanish… but Raf knows she was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Trust: The previous chef leaves a note to use the original kitchen in the off-limits area. It’s clean. He does so.
Mystery 9: Current Direction: Raf is under close guard as he proceeds to cook as planned. Twist: Raf takes Leiber hostage and switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
Intrigue 6: Trust: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Sal didn’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Distrust: DEMAND: (Intrigue) Sal breaks from Raf and runs to the dead body of the original chef… but as Leiber arrests her, he notices there’s a hatch in the floor.
Current Direction: Sal appears to be the assassin. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her. Twist/Trust: DRAMATIC REVEAL: But she pleads with him to trust her – and says “they’re running out of food.”
DEMAND: (Intrigue) Leiber is in a rush to get the dessert served. Looking at his watch anxiously.
(Suspense) The world leaders start looking a little ill. Everyone has drunk the water.
REVEAL: He returns to investigate… discovers the second kitchen is housing protesters she and the original chef had smuggled in to invade and disrupt the peace conference.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Sal to bluff her into talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Sal is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. Her mission, with the help of her lover the previous chef, was to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Twist: Sal eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Mystery 11: DEMAND: (Intrigue/Mystery) Raf charges into the room and eats the remainder of the food. And is fine… it isn’t poisoned… but then he sees the only thing he hasn’t consumed is the drinking water. That’s where the poison is, but it’s too late. He’s being taken into custody.
Turning Point Two: DRAMATIC REVEAL: One of the line cooks, an annoying guy interested in art whose presentation always stuns but whose cooking quality is lacking, comments on the unique coloring used for the cake – Prussian blue is overused. Then he regales Raf with the history of the pigment and how it’s a natural antidote to thallium poisoning. Raf realizes they’ve all been
poisoned – but everyone but POTUS will get the antidote because he’s diabetic.
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: He intercepts Leiber and tells him the poison is in the drinking water. Leiber acts like he’s calling it in. Then holds a gun on Raf. You chefs, always need to know everything that’s going on in your kitchen.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
DRAMATIC REVEAL: As POTUS is dying, Leiber gloats that he works for a cabal who want to elevate the status of certain NATO countries by allowing Russia to wage war and sabotaging the US’s might in forging the peace treaty.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes.
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
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Eric Humble’s Trust Relationships
What I learned: looking at the story from the trust/distrust angle really strengthened my red herring thread, and gave me some huge breakthroughs including changing the red herring from an old friend to an old lover, with the conflict between them really upping the stakes and making the various “demands” for the character reveals much more natural and less contrived.
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone. TWIST: But while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals. Trust: Leiber gives him the job – is his contact man. Everything he knows about the job comes from Leiber.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Current Direction:Leiber has strong security in place but he’s been cleared…. TWIST: …except that’s the first level. The additional protocols are that no one leaves once admitted, sections of the kitchen are off-limits, and they won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
Raf knows line cook Sal. Trust: She’s an ex-flame, but at least she’s someone he knows – well. Distrust: She has a violent temper, and an axe to grind with him. Distrust: Raf confronts her and tells her what’s between them has to wait – he has rank and he’s not going to let her mess this up for him.
Mystery 1: No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. Trust: But Sal says it’s bullshit. She levels with him about her suspicions – the previous chef didn’t have a political bone in his body, all he cared about was food. So why was he canned? And why hasn’t she been able to reach him?
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Current Direction: Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind with a snack… Twist: …and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off. He feels compelled to report this.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: Current Direction: Looking for Leiber to report his suspicions, Rav enters the off-limits meat freezer. Twist: He discovers the rival chef’s body hanging there. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
Trust: Raf finds a warning the previous chef carved into the chef’s knife – and believes it enough to make it his quest to find out who killed him before he becomes the next victim.
MM3:
Current Direction: Raf takes the logical first steps – goes to report it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4/Twist: Distrust: Leiber is suspicious of him for suggesting he went into the off-limits area.questions why he ventured into the off-limits area. Raf doesn’t trust that Leiber will take his side instead of arresting him and backs off, doesn’t tell him about the body. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: Learns from Sal that there was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Distrust: Sal is up to something – and is looking for where the previous chef stashed it. He confronts her and she confesses she and the previous chef were lovers.
Mystery 5: Everything was going fine with the chef until he inspected the pantry. Then suddenly he was gone and replaced with Raf.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Life-Threatening 2: Raf goes looking in the pantry and someone unseen (Sal) attacks him. He doesn’t see that it’s Sal, just that he hurt the assailant’s hand.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Current Direction: There’s nothing there. Twist: Trust: Raf finds the rat poison container – thallium – tucked under a floor panel at the chef’s station, left there by the first chef. Its cartridge is empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Current Direction: Raf tries to warn the US President –Twist: …but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Red Herring Mystery 2: He catches Sal burning her hand to cover the wound he made during the scuffle.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner. Current direction: Tries to tell him everything. Needs to get him to contact the police… Twist: …but the partner is calling about something more urgent. An audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Life-Threatening 4: Current direction: The Chinese president contacts him – he knows who the target is: the president of Montenegro, who is about to join NATO. He urges Raf to cook him something off the menu, something he will prepare himself. Raf is in a dilemma: trust an enemy or take the chance he’s right. Raf decides to do what the Chinese president says once he expresses admiration and a possible opening of one of Raf’s restaurants in Macao.
Trust Leiber/Distrust Previous Chef: Leiber discredits the previous chef – Leiber informs him that the previous chef wasn’t fired for political sympathies – he was fired for actively planning to kill one of the world leaders. They found his lab at home where he was making the poison… and Leiber suspects he had an accomplice on the cooking staff.
Midpoint/Twist: He cooks the alternate dish on the side and switches it before they serve it – but it’s a trap by the Chinese president – the president of Montenegro is allergic to an ingredient. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Twist: …including China, whose president has never heard of him. It was a set up by the real assassin, who knows Raf is onto him!
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: Current Direction: Leiber is on his side and is rescuing him. He brings Raf into the restricted area… Twist: …for interrogation. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
Red Herring Mystery 3: Sal is in contact with someone above in the peace talks via coded messages left in the dirty napkins.
Red Herring Mystery 4: Distrust: Leiber goes over the cooking staff’s bona fides. None with allegiances to any of the governments represented except the USA. Sal is listed as Spanish… but Raf knows she was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Trust: The previous chef leaves a note to use the original kitchen in the off-limits area. It’s clean. He does so.
Mystery 9: Current Direction: Raf is under close guard as he proceeds to cook as planned. Twist: Raf takes Leiber hostage and switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
Intrigue 6: Trust: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Sal didn’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Distrust: Sal is able to retrieve the poison the original chef planted there in the first kitchen. Raf walked her right into it. He catches her red-handed.
Current Direction: Sal appears to be the assassin. Raf lets Leiber go to take her into custody and question her. Twist/Trust: But the poison she had isn’t lethal – it’ll make you sick but it’s very hard to kill someone with it. And it’s not Thallium. She begs him to believe that her intentions were disruption, not murder… and he vouches for her.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Sal to bluff her into talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Sal is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. Her mission, with the help of her lover the previous chef, was to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Twist: Sal eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Turning Point Two: He realizes thallium’s antidote is the Prussian Blue pigment found in the icing to the cake… they’ve all already been poisoned and only POTUS won’t consume the antidote as he’s diabetic.Mystery 11: Raf realizes the poison isn’t in the kitchen – it was in the water Salvatore was drinking in his cell, and which the world leaders drank before the gathering started.
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes.
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
-
Eric Humble’s Outline Version 1
“WINO”
MM1:
INT. ABANDONED SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
Three guys hanging out drinking. A preppy college kid staggers down in a panic, begs them to sell him drugs… he takes some pills but before they kick in, he smells something rank approaching and takes off. The guys can’t see what’s spooking him.
EXT. STREET ABOVE – NIGHT
He looks around, sees nothing. He guzzles from a bottle. Then the drugs kick in. Suddenly, a big, obscured figure is right behind him – in a blur, it jabs a broken bottle into his throat, carves out his jugular… and slurps up his blood as it gushes out.
Horror Situation: The preppy kid is being chased by something no one else can see.
Apprehension: The kid seems drunk – but also scared. Demands drugs.
Scare: A trashcan falls over… but no one’s back there.
Release: The guys talk about the raccoons down here, which is probably what that was.
Creepy moment/Suspense: A noxious smell wafts toward them.
Panic: The kid panics, throws money and credit cards at them – just wants drugs. One of the guys gives him a pill.
Dread: The smell settles on the steps where the kid needs to go to get to the street.
Suspense: He makes it to the street… but it feels like something is walking up right alongside him – and the stench is intensifying.
Release: He makes it to the street. No one is there. He’s safe.
Creepy Moment: Then the drug kicks in and he experiences a warped sense of euphoria.
Shock: Except a figure is right behind him.
Horror: It slashes him with a broken bottle and slurps up his blood as it sprays out.
INT. UNIVERSITY HOUSING – NIGHT
Rachel comes home in scrubs, showers. Text from “Mac:” Can’t find my necklace anywhere. Rachel immediately spots it. She writes a letter, places a stamp on it, addresses it simply Mom. Mac texts/calls incessantly throughout, telling her to come out with them and to bring her necklace. Rachel stops to pray – an unusual prayer, in German… but Mac’s text interrupts her: What else do you have to do tonight, pray? Rachel leaves, not particularly happy about it.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Mackenzie brings Rachel a shirley temple to chide her about how she doesn’t drink – but she’s spiked it with vodka. Rachel spits it out. Mac claims she just wants her to loosen up – especially for the night they have planned. Then she introduces a man she’s just met, Bremmer…
…who is arm-wrestling Mac’s boyfriend Bill at the bar, and losing – but with charm. Bremmer points out Bill’s U.S. Marines tattoo. He regales them with the epic bash he’s setting up across town later tonight, an underground club. Invites them all, leaves.
A nasty smell comes over Rachel and an invitation suddenly flutters onto the table on stained, ragged paper: Party With Me. It lists the address.
Mackenzie brushes it off, urges her to come along as part of her “big city adventure.”
MM2:
INT. VERONICA’S DORM – NIGHT
Veronica, sick with a cold, in pajamas – opens the door on Mac and promptly shuts it with an eye roll. Mackenzie pushes Veronica to go, but she urges them not to go, because it’s in a dodgy section of town where you can’t get a rideshare after midnight. Mackenzie brushes this off because there’s allegedly a subway stop nearby.
INT. NOAH’S DORM – NIGHT
Noah is studying – when Mac acts like there’s an emergency to get him to open up. Mac finally convinces Rachel to go by ushering in Noah for the trip; Rachel is clearly crushing on Noah.
Meanwhile, Roach, Noah’s roommate, snorts coke in the bathroom… overhears and invites himself along, despite no one wanting him to go because he’s creepy – by paying for an upscale rideshare to pregame.
EXT. DERELICT FACTORY – NIGHT
Their rideshare drops them at an abandoned industrial park, all shadows and crumbling, empty buildings. They realize the section of town they’re in is where a building spontaneously collapsed a few years ago. Noah assesses the building as condemned for a reason – will collapse at any time.
But Veronica sees The Wino –
Monster Reveal: –a man in ragged clothes whose face is covered in a canvas mask with stitched X’s for eyes and a lopsided mouth drawn on with a tongue hanging out – a “shitface” drunk expression.
Veronica is creeped out. Noah dismisses him – probably just wants a couple of bucks to get loaded… but he doesn’t see any wino. Mackenzie brushes it aside; she doesn’t see anyone either.
Rachel finally calls it – let’s go. Bill seconds it, unafraid but aware this is an unwise move.
Mac charges ahead to follow some faint music out of jealousy, because Bill has deferred to Rachel. Roach pooh-poohs everyone’s suspicions – wants to see what there is to see… and goes along with her. Veronica doesn’t want to go, but follows because she doesn’t want to linger there with The WIno.
INT. UPPER LEVEL – NIGHT
They get closer to the thrumming music – but halt as Mac sees a message scrawled on the wall in feces: Party with Me. Mac turns to Roach, admits she’s scared; this isn’t a good idea –
– when Bremmer opens the door . An epic bash is going on up in the loft. Two rules to enter: they have to lock up their phones. They’re not supposed to be here and there are some VIPs – they can’t allow anyone to post anything about the party. And they have to do a shot at the door. Mac dares Rachel… and Rachel does the shot to prove she’s not a prude. Mac pushes them all to do the same. Bill dives in and does a shot to show Mac he’s her man.
INT. PARTY – NIGHT
Epic party, lots of people grinding on the dance floor. Noah and Rachel. Noah is uncomfortable bringing up her religion, but wants to know how chaste she’s required to be. She’s offended by his awkward questions, and we learn that she’s Amish – using the time she’s allowed away from the cloistered, secretive community to study medicine in the hopes of getting out of the oppressive life she’s grown up in.
Meanwhile, Veronica makes Roach accompany her to the bathroom, but they get lost in the labyrinth of crumbling rooms.
Horror Situation: Lost and isolated
Anxiety: In the dark, they hear strange noises.
Release: It must just be the creaking of the house.
Creepy Moment: But the horrible smell comes over them.
Scare: A door opens abruptly, right in front of them.
Release: But it’s the bathroom door and a drunk woman is stumbling out. She nods toward the darkness, asks if that guy has any weed.
Shock: They look to wear she was nodding and see the silhouette of the Wino, just standing there in the darkness.
Anxiety: Back on the dance floor, Mac and Bill and Rachel and Noah are falling under the influence of whatever they drank in that shot and the dance is getting sexier and sexier…. Until they all black out.
INT. LOFT – NIGHT
… only to awaken alone. The party is long over, the place trashed, and it’s way past time to get a rideshare anywhere in this part of the city… if they could even get to their phones, but that room is locked.
Intrigue: Rachel goes to the bathroom – and as she’s dressing, we see she has a series of scars along her back.
EXT. CORRIDOR TO THE ELEVATOR – NIGHT
Veronica just wants to get out and presses the button for the freight elevator to take them down…
Shock: … but it opens and the drunk girl who inquired about buying weed tumbles out, dead, her spine ripped open.
Panic: Veronica panics, sinks against a wall, hyperventilating –
Release: …until Roach gets her breathing under control. Roach takes a drink from a bottle lying around and offers her a sip, which she declines because she’s on cold medicine.
Mac freezes up upon seeing the body – then owns up to being responsible when Rachel calls her out on it. Noah is freaked out, doesn’t want any of them to go near the body – and refuses to himself, feeling queasy.
But Rachel gets up close to examine it, and Roach joins her, fascinated by the gore. Rachel identifies that the spine has been ripped out and there are teeth marks on it… and fragments of glass around the wound. Someone did this with a liquor bottle. The girl has a glass pipe in hand, charred from recent use – she smoked meth. No wonder the party broke up.
Bill takes charge, leads them away from the body – orders them not to touch anything. They’re getting straight out even if they have to walk the whole way across town, then they’re calling an anonymous tip in to cops as soon as they’re on safe ground. Warns them to be on guard. “From here to the street is a warzone.”
MM3:
INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR/OVERLOOK – NIGHT
Veronica’s the only one able to see The Wino at the bottom of the elevator in the creepy mask. The others don’t see anything and just want to get out – but Veronica is on the verge of hysteria… and The Wino is now gone. Maybe lurking in the shadows, waiting. Bill believes her – as does Rachel. After all, something carved that girl’s spine out. They’re not going to take the elevator in case he’s still down there.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
They look for a staircase down, but get disoriented. Lit up Exit sign. They run to it, only to find it’s not even at a door – it’s just mounted there on the wall. And the door they entered through is now closed and locked from the outside.
INT. STORAGE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Pursued
Anxiety: They smell and sense its presence…
Shock: …then something grabs Rachel. She can’t see it…looks like air, but it’s got her. She thrashes, pulls away… but it tears the back of her dress.
Release: She looks behind her. Doesn’t see anything. Maybe she got snagged on a loose nail or piece of particle board.
Scare: But Veronica sees The Wino right behind her, sniffing her. for them. Roach sees him too.
Fear: Veronica sticks with Roach as they all bolt for it… and outrun it, shoving a massive piece of machinery in front of the door as a barricade. Noah gets everyone inside the next partition while remaining behind to finish barricading the door. Notices that it’s lumbering, not fast.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – NIGHT
Demand/Intrigue: The others see Rachel’s scars now that her dress is torn. They start freaking out that whatever it is has done that to her.
Reveal: She has to tell them to calm down. She’s had those scars. But she won’t admit more.
Roach brings up that they just outran it. Why don’t we just run past him? More to the point, there are six of us and one of him. Bill rallies them to stay calm and stick together. They need to know more about him and this place before they engage. They arm themselves with anything that could be used as a weapon.
They discover Bremmer hiding.
Character Reveal: A sudden rage comes over Rachel. She accosts him, comes at him with a heavy board as a weapon, accusing this all of being his fault. Bringing them here, forcing them to drink until they blacked out… But Bill stops her.
Bremmer acts like he’s panicking and trying to escape, that he’s as disoriented as them… but knows the building better. There’s another freight elevator somewhere on the other side of the building, if they can orient themselves…
Just as they’re coming up with a plan, the barricade is shoved aside with ease – and Veronica is stabbed in the gut with bottle and dragged away screaming by the Wino.
Bill orders them to scatter and hide. Better to live and rescue Veronica once they regroup with a plan than try to take on whatever the hell this guy is.
MM4:
EXT. CATWALK/OVERLOOKING FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
As they proceed, Bremmer tries to convince them to make a deal with the Wino. Mackenzie’s the only one who champions this. They come to a catwalk, and Bill asks Noah’s opinion – is it structurally sound? It’s a better tactical option than going out in the open on the factory floor below, where The Wino can hide among the old crumbling machines.
Roach is terrified of heights. Opts to stay behind while they check it out.
Horror Situation: The Wino is stalking them but they can’t all see it.
Suspense: He sees The Wino closing in on the others from this vantage, but can’t call out to them because it will give his position away. He grips the bottle tightly as he watches, helpless.
Dread: Tries to draw The Wino away from them by tapping the bottle on the metal railing. It turns to him. Sweating, short of breath, he turns to run…
Suspense: …but gets turned around as he retreats. He mutters to himself, trying to keep himself together, but the panic is in his voice…
Release: But The Wino suddenly isn’t there. Maybe he’s safe. He breathes easy.
Shock: The Wino springs out and stabs Roach’s nose!
Release: Rachel and the others hear his scream. Return. The Wino retreats at the sound of their approach.
Dread: The shards are still embedded in the bone and have to be removed before they pierce something vital… just as they locate the second elevator. Bill orders Rachel to treat him; just get him in shape to move. But they know they’re sitting ducks out here. It’s a trap.
Anxiety: They can smell The Wino – it’s still around here somewhere. Mac is tense, looking around for it.
Suspense: Rachel gives Roach more whiskey to numb him a bit…
Creepy Moment /Anguish: …and starts pulling out the shards…
Suspense/Dread: …as Roach’s eyes widen – because he’s seeing the Wino sabotage the second elevator in his stupor, and can’t warn them before he falls unconscious.
INT. ELEVATOR BANK – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Out of the frying pan, into the fire. <b role=”presentation”>Dread: Bill hears it but doesn’t see it. Is going to take him out with a makeshift knife from behind. Noah is Bill’s second, but Bill gives him the order, “If anything happens to me, don’t reveal yourself. Retreat and regroup.” <b role=”presentation”>Suspense: They each take swig of the bottle for “liquid courage.”
Suspense: Bill goes to make his move… but regrets the drink—it’s making his reflexes too slow. He forces himself to vomit, sobers up…
Fear: …and then, suddenly sober, he can no longer see it, even though the others can.
Shock: It goes into a rage and stabs Bill repeatedly, eating nothing off of him.
Anguish: Bill’s bloody corpse slaps the floor. Mac bites her hand to keep from screaming or sobbing openly. Rachel pulls more glass from Roach’s face, eyes averted from Bill, concentrating… but tears roll down her cheeks.
Suspense: Mac charges at it with a hammer – but Noah stops her, silences her. Suspense: Rachel presses on repairing Roach’s face.
Fear: She realizes The Wino is invisible unless you’re drunk or high.
MM5:
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
They have no choice but to cross the factory floor, a strategically foolhardy plan. They pass around a bottle first. Rachel won’t take it. Breaks away, prays.
Demand: Noah comforts her – doesn’t want to disrespect her religion, but she needs to drink. Everyone’s looking at her, telling her to hurry up.
Reveal: She admits that while alcohol is proscribed by her religion, alcoholism is rampant among her congregation. Shows them the scars – her dad is a drunk. He did this to her in a drunken rage… he has many drunken rages. His genes are in her. She doesn’t drink because she’s afraid of what she’ll do when drunk. The rage. The inability to stop drinking. But Noah brings up Bill – it has too much of an advantage on them if they can’t see it. Rachel finally takes the drink.
Then they notice that Bremmer is no longer among them.
INT. MACHINE ROOM – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Bremmer is being tortured.
The Wino has Bremmer, is tying him to a machine’s conveyor belt, activates a rotary saw at the end. Gives him a broom whose handle is long enough to reach the control button – if he can keep a clear enough head to push it.
Meanwhile, The Wino has zeroed in on two pieces of equipment, one of which Mackenzie is behind… He pees into them, forcing her to show herself.
Rachel hides and watches. Sees that it’s sickly. Constantly detoxing – sick, weak, shaking with DTs. Only achieves its strength once it consumes drugs or alcohol, but loses the strength quickly after – a fast metabolism.
She slides Mackenzie an aerosol can of flammable paint but can’t get to Bremmer without being seen. Mackenzie comes out swinging with a cigarette lighter and the spray, burning him in the face.
Rachel leaves the last of the alcohol in a pool but it won’t get distracted and go toward it… until a rat drinks it. The Wino chases the rat instead of them, allowing her to release Bremmer.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
They get clear, allowing The Wino to continue past them. But they’re out of alcohol. Roach and Bremmer both reveal they’ve brought along hard drugs: acid, meth, heroin.
MM6:
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
Rachel refuses to do hard drugs. Noah seconds Rachel’s decision even as Bremmer, Mackenzie, and Roach take a hit of meth.
INT. BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Roach is hoarding a stash of coke. Noah wants some so he won’t have to drop acid, the only other alternative… but Roach’s addiction won’t let him. Noah drios acid…
INT. FARTHER ALONG – NIGHT
then catches Roach preparing coke. He fights him and Roach loses the coke through a crack in the floor. Roach lingers behind to try and collect what he can… but The Wino converges on him and breaks off his nose to get what’s inside… then cracks into his skull and sucks it out of his brain.
INT. BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Rachel pieces together that it consumes the drugs and alcohol secondhand – took meth from the spine of the party girl, ate cocaine out of Roach’s brain, but didn’t eat anything off Bill, just killed him in a rage because he wasn’t drunk. It needs to consume alcohol or drugs through people to feed its endless addiction.
INT. RICKETY SECTION – NIGHT
Treacherous landscape – as the acid kicks in, Noah hallucinates the others transforming into hideous wraiths. He turns on them, fighting… and steps wrong, causing the floor to collapse.
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
Rachel climbs down to help him. They’ve landed in The Wino’s lair. Victorian-age artifacts, portraits with the eyes slashed out and defaced to show drunkenness and lewdness, an altar with a pentagram and devilish statues.
Rachel won’t accept it, paces around, hysterical, acting like this is all going to be a nightmare she’ll wake up from… and then she sees…
…There’s a way out from here – a staircase that leads to an open door, light streaming in.
But Bremmer locks them in – and reveals that he hosted the party as a plan to meet The Wino. He’s known the legends and wants its power… and is offering the survivors as a bargaining chip. They try to bust out… but can’t.
MM7:
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
There’s a rancid smell – The Wino is in here with them, but they can’t see it or pinpoint it… and they’re on its turf, a whole mazelike lair to navigate to get to the stairs.
Noah sobers up for a moment, his leg broken with an open fracture. Spots The Wino and finds a gun that he has to be steady enough to load… he can’t do it in his trippy state. Opts to take a bullet and a hammer — but it isn’t the Wino. It’s Veronica’s corpse.
The real Wino comes up behind him, kills him with the bottle, and gnaws the base of his brain at his neck.
Mac finds a bottle of whiskey, urges Rachel to drink so they can see it – but Rachel is thinking, based on Noah’s death – getting drunk or high allows you to see it, but hinders your ability to fight it… she gets an idea and looks to Veronica’s body.
INT. DOORWAY – NIGHT
The Wino lets Bremmer in, like it’s open to the deal he’s making by offering him the others… but instead of rewarding him, The Wino ties him up. He struggles against the Wino to no avail, other than breaking his own limbs to try and get free. The Wino forces him to take all the drugs and alcohol, even after his body is rejecting it and shutting down…
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
Rachel takes Veronica’s cold medicine – and discovers it allows her to see The Wino without being overly impaired. She acts like she can’t see him and lures him into a rickety section of the building… then knocks the ceiling down on him and stabs him repeatedly with his own bottle, raging just like her abusive father.
It seems to kill him. Except he springs back up! When… Bill, still alive, pins him… Exactly as he was trying to before – stabs it with the makeshift knife. Pulls it clear of Mac and Rachel. He’s dying, but they take him with them.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
They run out into the free air. But Bill dies. They cradle him…. Then The Wino shows up and devours his corpse, allowing them a moment to run to the subway.
INT. SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
They reach the subway platform. It’s empty and crumbling, no train coming. But they can hear a train somewhere ahead – they’re close to a functioning station. They have a choice – the safer route, above ground… but the medicine is starting to wear off and he’ll be invisible once they get up there. Or the tunnel, a straight shot to the next terminal and in the dark they’ll be as invisible to him as he is to them….
INT. TUNNEL – NIGHT
And while Rachel is deliberating, Mac takes off… only for Rachel to hear a muffled scream… because The Wino is already ahead of them in there and has just stabbed her through the gut with the bottle, slurps the cold medicine out of her stomach.
Out of alcohol and lighter drugs, Rachel has no choice but to inject heroin with the plan of using Narcan on her to sap it out of her body as soon as she can escape.
The Wino forces Rachel to walk the outside rim of the track – just inches away from the third rail, if she can manage to walk that straight.
Rachel tricks him onto the third rail, zapping him, finally making it within sight of the next subway stop, which seems to be populated and operational.
INT. OPERATIONAL SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
Rachel emerges at a platform, just getting populated for the morning rush. She finds a discarded whiskey bottle with some drink left in it.
INT. SUBWAY – DAWN
Gets on the subway with the bottle in a paper bag, swigs it as the train brings her back to the city. She’s wary of the winos and sketchy-looking passengers. Someone gives her a disapproving look, grumbles: “Lousy drunk, what a waste…”
INT. WINO’S LAIR – DAWN
Bremmer is still alive back at the Wino’s lair, even though his body is writhing in agony for multiple overdoses… The Wino crawls back in, barely alive, and proceeds to eat him whole.
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Eric Humble’s Twists and Turns
What I learned is: that structuring twists and turns is very simple and straighforward when approached in a non-linear fashion. I had a really easy time identifying the twists that occurred in the outline already and then elevating the structure of them. There were so many that naturally showed up that I didn’t need to manufacture any new twists, but I did use the structure and examples Hal gave us to strengthen either the set ups or payoffs.
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone. TWIST: But while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his pregnant girlfriend to let this one go. He’s never satisfied with success; as soon as he achieves something, he’s off to the next thing… and she’s worried he’ll be that way about their family once the baby comes. But he can’t let it go. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Current Direction:Leiber has strong security in place but he’s been cleared…. TWIST: …except that’s the first level. The additional protocols are that no one leaves once admitted, sections of the kitchen are off-limits, and they won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room. Violate any of these and he’ll be arrested instantly.
Mystery 1: Raf knows line cook Salvatore from a previous job and talks to him. No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. But Salvatore says it’s bullshit. The chef didn’t have a political bone in his body.
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Current Direction: Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind with a snack… Twist: …and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off. He feels compelled to report this.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: current Direction: Looking for Leiber to report his suspicions, Rav enters the off-limits meat freezer. Twist: He discovers the rival chef’s body hanging there. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
MM3:
Current Direction: Raf takes the logical first steps – goes to report it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4/Twist: Leiber questions why he ventured into the off-limits area. Raf backs off, doesn’t tell him about the body. Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: Learns from Salvatore that there was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Mystery 5: Everything was going fine with the chef until he inspected the pantry. Then suddenly he was gone and replaced with Raf.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Life-Threatening 2: Raf goes looking in the pantry and someone unseen (Salvatore) attacks him. He doesn’t see that it’s Salvatore, just that he hurt the assailant’s hand.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Current Direction: There’s nothing there. Twist: Raf finds the rat poison container – thallium – tucked under a floor panel at the chef’s station, left there by the first chef. Its cartridge is empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Current Direction: Raf tries to warn the US President –Twist: …but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Red Herring Mystery 2: Salvatore burns his hand to cover the wound that Raf made.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner. Current direction: Tries to tell him everything. Needs to get him to contact the police… Twist: …but the partner is calling about something more urgent. An audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Life-Threatening 4: Current direction: The Chinese president contacts him – he knows who the target is: the president of Montenegro, who is about to join NATO. He urges Raf to cook him something off the menu, something he will prepare himself. Raf is in a dilemma: trust an enemy or take the chance he’s right. Raf decides to do what the Chinese president says once he expresses admiration and a possible opening of one of Raf’s restaurants in Macao.
Midpoint/Twist: He cooks the alternate dish on the side and switches it before they serve it – but it’s a trap by the Chinese president – the president of Montenegro is allergic to an ingredient. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Twist: …including China, who president has never heard of him. It was a set up by the real assassin, who knows Raf is onto him!
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: Current Direction: Leiber is on his side and is rescuing him. He brings Raf into the restricted area… Twist: …for interrogation. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
Red Herring Mystery 3: Salvatore is in contact with someone above in the peace talks via coded messages left in the dirty napkins.
Red Herring Mystery 4: Salvatore lies about being Spanish – he was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Mystery 9: Current Direction: Raf is under close guard as he proceeds to cook as planned. Twist: Raf takes Leiber hostage and switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
Intrigue 6: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Salvatore won’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Raf catches Salvatore stashing something… it’s poison.
Current Direction: Salvatore is the assassin. Raf lets Leiber go to take him into custody and question him. Twist: But the poison he had isn’t lethal – it’ll make you sick but it’s very hard to kill someone with it. And it’s not Thallium.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Salvatore to make him talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Salvatore is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. His mission is to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Twist: Salvatore eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Turning Point Two: He realizes thallium’s antidote is the Prussian Blue pigment found in the icing to the cake… they’ve all already been poisoned and only POTUS won’t consume the antidote as he’s diabetic.Mystery 11: Raf realizes the poison isn’t in the kitchen – it was in the water Salvatore was drinking in his cell, and which the world leaders drank before the gathering started.
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes.
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
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Eric Humble’s Thriller Plot!
What I learned is: how intertwining each of the MIS tracks creates a fleshed-out thriller plot. While mine still has a few holes in it and a few parts I’d like to elevate, this process has given me much more of a fleshed-out plot than I thought the concept would have. A common problem I’ve run into with my thrillers in the past is that I get about halfway then the story either falls apart with nowhere to go or it gets so convoluted and contrived that it ends up being both unbelievable and way too long. With this process, I feel like I was able to extrapolate the concept in a manner that delivers on the conventions and I have a great balance of events, since it interweaves the MIS. I can’t wait to see where we go next to flesh this out even further!
MM1:
Beginning: The rival chef calls the FBI to blow the whistle on someone, but while he’s waiting someone stalks him through his kitchen.
Inciting Incident: Raf is recruited by Leiber to cook the meal at the G7 summit to broker peace in Europe. Cover: Leiber claims the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders. He wants Raf because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals.
Intrigue 1: Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
MM2:
Raf is urged by his girlfriend to let this one go – but he can’t. It’ll be the biggest dinner of his life!
Intrigue: Leiber has strong security in place – which won’t let anyone leave once admitted, and won’t let anyone from the kitchen talk to the world leaders in the dining room.
Intrigue: Leiber won’t allow anyone in the meat freezers – that area is off-limits. Anyone trying to enter will be arrested before they get inside the door.
Mystery 1: Raf knows line cook Salvatore from a previous job and talks to him. No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t check out, something about his background. But Salvatore says it’s bullshit. The chef didn’t have a political bone in his body.
Intrigue 2: One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US Involvement. Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind with a snack… and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US can’t pull this peace deal off.
Intrigue 3: Meanwhile, Leiber calms the situation by having water brought in for all the delegates – which, unknown to anyone, is poisoned with thallium.
Turning Point One/Life-Threatening 1: Rav discovers the rival chef’s body hanging in the off-limits meat freezer. Murdered! Will this be Raf’s fate?
Mystery 2: Who killed the original chef and why?
Mystery 3: The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
MM3:
Raf takes the logical first steps – reports it to Leiber.
Intrigue 4: Leiber won’t let Raf disrupt the proceedings – there’s too much at stake. Leiber claims he’ll handle it, but insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Mystery 4: There was a dust-up when the previous chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Mystery 5: Everything was going fine with the chef until he inspected the pantry. Then suddenly he was gone and replaced with Raf.
Intrigue 5: Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Life-Threatening 2: Raf goes looking in the pantry and someone unseen (Salvatore) attacks him. He doesn’t see that it’s Salvatore, just that he hurt the assailant’s hand.
TWIST: Mystery 6: Raf finds rat poison – thallium – tucked in a hole behind the insulation in the pantry. Its cartridge is almost empty… the poison has been removed.
MM4:
More ambitious plan: Contact the world leaders via food.
Life-Threatening 3: Raf tries to warn the US President – but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Red Herring Mystery 2: Salvatore burns his hand to cover the wound that Raf made.
Mystery 7: Raf gets a call from his business partner about an audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Midpoint/Life-Threatening 4: Lured into a trap by the Chinese president – who tricks him into cooking something that another of the world leaders has an allergy to. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces.
MM5:
Retreats to lick his wounds while villain basks in triumph!:
Life-Threatening 5: Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan. Mystery 8: He brings Raf into the restricted area for questioning. Shows him (doctored) video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
Red Herring Mystery 3: Salvatore is in contact with someone above in the peace talks via coded messages left in the dirty napkins.
Life-Threatening 6: Leiber tips off the President, who orders Raf brought before him… Lieber knows he’s been in contact with the Chinese President, against protocol. The President is about to order Raf arrested as an assassin. (Midpoint??)
Red Herring Mystery 4: Salvatore lies about being Spanish – he was born in Montenegro.
TWIST/Life-Threatening 7: Someone (Leiber) threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it. Cook the dinner and stop playing detective.
MM6:
Most ambitious plan yet: Takes control of the kitchen himself and locks security out.
Mystery 9: Raf switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside. (Or does he take Leiber hostage to make them do this?)
Intrigue 6: Leiber, coming to him as a friend, focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has everyone check their pockets. No poison.
Red Herring Mystery 5: Salvatore won’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Red Herring Mystery 6: Raf catches Salvatore stashing something… it’s poison. But the poison isn’t lethal – it’ll make you sick but it’s very hard to kill someone with it.
Mystery 10: But before he serves the new food, Raf convinces POTUS to let Leiber feed it to Salvatore to make him talk in his holding cell… and to prove there’s no poison in it. Ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of poison).
Red Herring Secret: Salvatore is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this concession. His mission is to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Down at the End of Act Two:
Want in Jeopardy: Salvatore eats it – and dies. Raf looks guilty as ever.
Need in Jeopardy: He pulled this stunt to show off once and for all to the world leaders.
Turning Point Two: He realizes thallium’s antidote is Prussian Blue pigment found in the icing to the cake… they’ve all already been poisoned and only POTUS won’t consume the antidote as he’s diabetic.Mystery 11: Raf realizes the poison isn’t in the kitchen – it was in the water Salvatore was drinking in his cell, and which the world leaders drank before the gathering started.
MM7:
Crisis: Raf has to get Prussian Blue to the President.
Decision Point: Throws away his career and freedom to do the right thing.
Life-Threatening 8: Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin.
Climax: Raf squares off with Leiber and uses his cooking skills to switch poisons and antidotes,
Life-Threatening 9: Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
MM8:
Villain is Back One Last Time!: Leiber goes after Raf’s girlfriend.
Resolution: Raf runs a well-respected but unassuming restaurant that allows him to spend time with his girlfriend… who is pregnant and whom he’s going to marry.
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Eric Humble’s Life-Threatening Sequence
What I learned is: you don’t need to overload your plot with any one of the MIS elements. You just need a few focused incidences of each to keep the thriller expectations met. This was a fun exercise that steered me away from action-oriented scenes, which I usually end up writing in spite of my efforts to focus on suspense. It was easier to think through it from the villain’s perspective of trying to keep his plan a secret, and I think I’ve gotten some stronger “suspense” scenes rather than “action” scenes which ultimately would feel off in the script. I’m very excited to see how we will intertwine the MIS scenes. I’ve had so many breakthroughs so far, and I feel like more are to come!
What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?
Leiber is planning to poison the US President before a peace treaty can be signed to end a European war with Russia, so that the smaller NATO countries will be strengthened once the US is out of the way as a superpower.
It puts Raf in danger because he is being set up as the fall guy and will be shot by the Secret Service in the aftermath.
What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
The original chef was executed… Raf’s fate?
Raf tries to warn the US President – but only the Chinese president, an enemy, figures out the message and converses with him… which could make him look like a foreign agent and is a breach of protocol.
Someone unseen (Leiber) attacks Raf in the kitchen.
Lured into a trap by the Chinese president – who tricks him into cooking something that another of the world leaders has an allergy to. He’s brought before multiple countries’ security forces. Only Leiber gets him out of it – so he can frame him for his own assassination plan.
Leiber tips off the President, who orders Raf brought before him… about to order Raf arrested as an assassin.
Leiber threatens Raf’s girlfriend – sends him a live video feed of her. She’s being watched and doesn’t realize it.
A Chinese agent among the cookstaff comes at him with a knife so he can find the poison first.
Leiber sabotages the oven to explode and kill him.
Leiber orders the Secret Service to shoot him on sight as an assassin
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Eric Humble’s Scary-As-Hell Scene
What I learned: how to craft a scary as hell scene using a few simple techniques rather than agonize over the specifics of the scene. In the past, I’ve always agonized over horror scenes, trying to either intensify the violence or come up with something truly original and unique. It never occurred to me to just use a few simple techniques (which, thanks to this class, I now know) and structure them in escalating intensity and then simply let the emotions do the work. It has also been a huge breakthrough that using this process delivers what a reader and producer will be looking for in a scary as hell scene. I’m very satisfied with how this scene turned out and I’m really looking forward to writing the script. I think it’s going to be fun rather than agonizing as it has been in the past, and I’m sure I’m going to be satisfied with the quality of my writing using these techniques!
INT. ABANDONED SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
Three Black guys hanging out, swigging forties. Laughing raucously.
A White, preppy college kid stumbles down the stairs. He looks wasted and haggard, his designer party clothes sweaty and rumpled, his hair matted, eyes unfocused. He spots the guys. Hesitates a moment. Now, approaches.
Asks to buy drugs. He’s sweating, keeps looking over his shoulder.
The leader of the group decides to have a little fun with him. Asks him what drugs he wants, what quantity.
A trashcan farther along clatters on its side. But no one’s there. The kid tenses.
The gang members joke about the racoons down here. The gang leader plays coy…
But the kid is desperate, doesn’t care which drugs. Just something that hits you quick.
The leader then calls him to task: What makes you think we have drugs to sell? Just because we’re black? The kid looks lost, panicked.
He smells something rank. They all do. The kid tenses, takes a forty one of the members was drinking out of the guy’s hand and guzzles it.
The kid takes out money, throws it at the guys. Anyone! Drugs! Empties his wallet of cards and everything at their feet.
The guy gives him some drugs. The kid asks if any of them is already on something. Do they see anyone back up the steps? Or along the platform?
The smell is getting thicker – from the steps he has to go up.
INT. STAIRWAY – NIGHT
He goes up anyway. Smelling the smell…
And there’s a shuffling sound. A breathing sound, right beside him. Like someone breathing down his neck each of the last few steps.
EXT. STREET ABOVE – NIGHT
Pre-dawn. No one around, not even a parked car in sight. The buildings surrounding this area are black-windowed and condemned. The lights of downtown visible but blocks away.
The kid makes it to the street, looks around, sees nothing. Breathes in the air. No smell. Continues onward.
Then the drugs kick in. The world shimmers. Lights extend and trip out a bit. He laughs, giddy.
Suddenly, a big, obscured figure is right behind him –
–in a blur, it jabs a broken bottle into his throat. Blood sprays like a geyser. The kid hits the pavement. Broken glass jutting from his throat. He gags on blood, sputters, claws away…
…but the figure, obscured in the darkness, looms over him. Crouches over him. The kid convulses, scrabbles back toward the subway stairs…
…but the figure’s hands – grey fingers poking through tattered fingerless gloves – are on him, holding him fast. The figure’s face leans in close, almost as if to kiss the wound… or drink the blood like it was a water fountain…
In the silence of the dawn, the only sounds are the sputtering final gasps of the kid… and SLURPING.
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Eric Humble’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments
What I learned is: how to vary the pace of a scene and augment already-scary horror scenes to be more effective using scares, releases, and creepy moments. These techniques are very useful for creating shifts in tone and for making the slower moments between horror situations more interesting while still delivering on what readers and audiences expect for a horror movie. I’m excited to bring all of these skills to the script!
INT. RICKETY SECTION – NIGHT
A pitch-dark stretch. Mac fires up the lighter. It doesn’t illuminate anything.
MAC
Everyone stand back.
She shakes the aerosol can. Sprays it into the lighter, blasts a jet of flame. In the firelight, the room is revealed to be wide, the door far across the way… but the floor is rickety, splintered, some areas missing boards.
NOAH
That’s not safe. We’ll fall right through… We have to find another way around –
Glancing over his shoulder –
– and it’s not Rachel behind him. It’s a SKELETAL CREATURE, a face of rotting flesh SNARLING in to bite his face off!
Noah screams… stumbles backwards into the room… and is stopped only by the creaking of the boards beneath his feet. Looks up to see that ALL OF THEM are these creatures, coming for him…
The world around them blooms in psychedelic brightness…
Noah backs another step. The floorboards groan. When –
RACHEL
Noah!
Noah snaps to attention. The room is dark. Bremmer, Rachel, and Mac themselves once again. Noah, in a cold sweat, collects himself.
NOAH
Shit.
RACHEL
What the hell was that? Noah?
NOAH
I, uh… look, we need to see this thing. I’m sorry, Rachel, but we can’t make it out while we’re blind.
RACHEL
Noah – what did you do? What did you take??
NOAH
…acid.
Mac groans. Rachel stiffens, paces away=.
MAC
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re tripping right now? How are you going to see it when you don’t know what’s real or not?
Rachel speaks quietly, measured, her back to him.
RACHEL
It’s made us monsters, all of us. All these drugs and alcohol.
Suspense: She goes silent, her shoulders quivering. Is she crying? Noah walks closer to her. Places a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.
NOAH
We’re not the monsters.
Rachel spins around, her face suddenly hideously deformed again. They’re all the skeletal wraiths – arms reaching for him. The world vivid in psychedelic color.
Noah turns on them, punching, kicking… and steps wrong, causing the floor to collapse. Noah plummets far to the floor below.
RACHEL
Noah!
INT. FLOOR BELOW – NIGHT
Noah lies still. His eyelids flutter. He sees the wraiths above him, hovering around the gaping hole. In terror, he scrabbles away…
…but recoils. Because his leg is hideously twisted. A BONE juts out of his shin, an open fracture.
From above:
RACHEL
Noah. Just listen to my voice. I’m coming down to help…
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Eric Humble’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned is: that structuring a mystery story is much clearer, more logical, and less contrived when I approach it as the villain’s secrets being covered up. The idea of looking at a mystery as a villain’s secret has been a huge breakthrough for me, which I’ve been processing for a few days. This is the aspect of writing a thriller that has been the most problematic for me, as I have always approached it from the hero/audience’s perspective and found myself bogged down in complicated plot machinations which often stymie me. I’m very excited by what we’re learning in this class and can’t wait to see how my MIS show up in this script!
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
Leiber works for a cabal of NATO leaders bucking their own policies to try and strengthen the smaller countries once the US is out of the way as a superpower.
How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.
Mystery #1: Who killed the first chef? WIll Raf be next?
Cover: Leiber recruits Raf because the previous chef’s security check revealed he had political sympathies with one of the world leaders.
The first chef’s corpse is hanging in the meat freezer which is off-limits.
The first chef left a warning carved into the handle of his chef’s knife: Poison.
Dessert. Russian Bl…
No one knows why the first chef left. Leiber claims his security clearance didn’t
check out, something about his background. But Salvatore says it’s bullshit. The chef didn’t have a political bone in his body.
There was a dust-up when the chef wanted to change the dessert to something low sugar and vegan for everyone; everyone could have it and it didn’t conflict with anyone’s dietary requirements. Several of the NATO leaders’s staff objected and Leiber threatened to replace him unless he stuck to the pre-cleared menu.
Everything was going fine with the chef until he inspected the pantry. Then suddenly he was gone and replaced with Raf.
Raf inspects the pantry and finds rat poison – thallium – tucked in a hole behind the insulation. It cartridge is almost empty… the poison has been removed.
Secret: The first chef discovered the plot to poison the world leaders with thallium poison then bake the antidote, the pigment for Prussian Blue, in the dessert cake icing… knowing that the US President is diabetic and won’t eat it.
Mystery: Where is the poison?
Cover: The poison is somewhere in the kitchen and it will be administered by dessert.
Raf switches kitchens and orders everything recooked immediately with fresh
ingredients he commandeers a Secret Service agent to bring in from the outside.
But before he serves it, Leiber feeds it to a man they’ve taken prisoner in a
holding cell, ostensibly as a bluff (believing Raf has eliminated the possibility of
poison). The man eats it – and dies. The poison isn’t in the kitchen – it’s being
handled by one of the kitchen staff.
Raf orders everyone to switch clothes with the person to their left. Then has
everyone check their pockets. Nothing.
Raf realizes the poison isn’t in the kitchen – it was in the water the prisoner was
drinking in his cell.
Secret: Lieber has already poisoned all the world leaders — positioning
everyone but the president to get the antidote at dessert.
Mystery: Who is setting Raf up?
Cover: Leiber discovers Raf has a Swiss bank account and there is video looking like Raf has been paid off to assassinate someone.
Raf gets a call from his business partner about an audit resulting from an undisclosed bank account. Their restaurant is in jeopardy.
Lieber brings him into the restricted area for questioning. Shows him the video looking like he’s receiving a payoff.
Lieber knows he’s been in contact with the Chinese President, against protocol.
Secret: Leiber is setting Raf up to take the fall for the assassination.
Red Herring Mystery: Cover: Salvatore is a line cook who knew the previous chef and is helping Raf find out what he was up to.
Salvatore lies about being Spanish – he was born in Montenegro.
Salvatore is in contact with someone above in the peace talks via coded
messages left in the dirty napkins.
Raf searches the kitchen staff’s things for poison… and Salvatore attacks him.
He doesn’t see that it’s Salvatore, just that he hurt the assailant’s hand.
Salvatore burns his hand to cover the wound that Raf made.
Salvatore won’t switch clothes with the other cooks.
Raf catches Salvatore stashing something in a loose brick… it’s poison.
But the poison isn’t lethal – it’ll make you sick but it’s very hard to kill someone
with it.
Secret: Salvatore is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries
unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of land to
Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s endorsement of this
concession. His mission is to disrupt the peace treaty by making one of the
world leaders ill… but not to hurt anyone.
Mystery: Why is Leiber doing this?
Cover: Leiber is head of the Secret Service detail overseeing security for the G7 Peace Talks Summit.
Leiber has contacts in all the countries represented in NATO.
Chinese spies observed Leiber having unscheduled meetings in Switzerland and
Montenegro with aides and staff members to NATO leaders… but not the leaders
themselves.
One member of NATO, a firebrand, is in a violent, drunken argument – railing that
NATO always follows the US’s lead, even now when US credibility is low. If
they’re as united as they say, NATO can be its own superpower without US
Involvement. Rav is ordered to give him coffee and settle his stomach and mind
with a snack… and gets the sense this man has already gotten a system in
place, a cabal waiting in the wings to take over the lead in foreign policy if the US
makes another false step.
Secret: Leiber works for a cabal of NATO leaders bucking their own policies to
try and strengthen the smaller countries once the US is out of the way as a
Superpower.
The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.
Raf discovers the original chef’s dead body in the meat freezer, with a warning carved into the chef’s knife: Poison. Dessert. Russian Bl…
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Eric Humble’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is how I can elevate the third act horror scenes/situations to a level that contrasts with what came before. I’ve struggled in the past with horror scenes, either because I raise everything to hysteria too early in the story or because I tend to keep the scenes at the same level of tension and emotion between acts two and three. By holding these Level 3 horror emotions off until the third act, I’m able to significantly increase the intensity of the scares as story heads into the climax, which gives the whole structure some momentum which has been missing in my previous horror scripts.
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
Noah is hurt… and Rachel has to go in after him to save him, even though it’s down there somewhere.
There’s a rancid smell – The Wino is in here with them, but they can’t see it or pinpoint it… and they’re on its turf, a whole mazelike lair to navigate to get to the stairs.
Weird stuff everywhere – portraits, remnants from centuries past. It has been here a long time. An altar with a strange statue – onyx, a mollusk-like, twisted creature with glowering emerald eyes.
Noah sobers up for a moment, his leg broken with an open fracture… but Rachel can’t get to him.
Noah spots The Wino lurking in the dark, but the acid is making him morph in and out of reality and it disappears.
He focuses in on a gun on a table. Crawls toward it. Grasps it – knows it’s really there.
The Wino is suddenly just a few feet away from him. Disappears as he comes back to reality. He shoots…
But the gun is empty.
He searches the table… finds bullets.
His hands shake and the acid takes him in and out of reality. He tries again to load it…
…he can’t do it in his trippy state.
The Wino reappears… and he’s able to focus on it, in and out of the LSD.
Opts to take a bullet and a hammer —
Approaches it slowly… hammers the nail. BLAM. The gun goes off, but the corpse remains motionless. Because it isn’t the Wino. It’s Veronica’s corpse, nailed up to the wall.
Rachel watches as The real Wino comes up behind him (but she can’t see it), kills him with the bottle…
…and gnaws the base of his brain at his neck.
Mac finds a bottle of whiskey, urges Rachel to drink so they can see it –
But Rachel is thinking, based on Noah’s death – getting drunk or high allows you to see it, but hinders your ability to fight it… she gets an idea and looks to Veronica’s body.
INT. DOORWAY – NIGHT
The Wino lets Bremmer in, like it’s open to the deal he’s making by offering him the others… but instead of rewarding him…
The Wino ties him up.
He struggles against the Wino to no avail.
He breaks his own limbs to try and get free.
The Wino opens a cabinet revealing a plethora of alcohol bottles, drugs, drug paraphernalia – all old, dusty, the syringes blood- or rust-encrusted. Recovered or retrieved from gutters.
The Wino grabs Bremmer’s cheeks. Forces his mouth open. Pours an entire bottle of whiskey down his throat. Bremmer chokes, gags, fights it. Tears stream down his face as The Wino then cracks an amyl nitrate capsule under his nose. Bremmer’s body reacts to the hit even as his eyes show panic…
…as the Wino now draws raw heroin into a blood-crusted syringe. Bremmer, high, drunk, and terrified, starts sobbing – or perhaps cackling… as the Wino probes his arm for a vein… now his shoulder, now his neck…
…and finally settles on Bremmer’s carotid. Injects the full syringe into the vein. Bremmer seizes… eyes rolling into his head… his system shutting down…
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Eric Humble’s Villain Has a Great Plan!
What I learned is: that the villain’s plan doesn’t have to be brilliant – just covert and mysterious, and the combination of MIS will enhance it as an experience for the audience. This is one of the breakthroughs I had while analyzing Basic Instinct and Silence of the Lambs. I always put all the burden of the story on the Villain’s Plan, and went into perfectionism to try and make it something so brilliant and elaborate that the whole story stemmed entirely from the revelations of the plan. I now understand that the intrigue is only a part of a structure of interwoven MIS – so I don’t need every scene and incident stemming from a cumbersome plot. I just need something simple that works within the logic of the story and the way we interweave MIS will give the intrigue the substance it needs.
What is the end goal?
Leiber works for a cabal of NATO leaders bucking their own policies to try and strengthen the smaller countries once the US is out of the way as a superpower.
How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?
Poison the US President just as a peace deal is finally being considered by the Russian President.
Frame the Russian president for the assassination, rallying all NATO countries to wage a united war on Russia.
Murder the chef who won’t go along with the plan.
Murder a line cook who figures out something is “off” about the dessert.
Set up Raf to look like a mercenary assassin working for the Russians.
Plant Russian money in a Swiss account in Raf’s name… and fake video footage to look like Raf deposited the money.
How can they cover it up?
Leave a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Poison all the world leaders at the pre-meeting discussions with thallium in the water.
The poison isn’t in the dessert, the antidote is – in the prussian blue dye used in the icing… and the US President is a diabetic, so he’ll be the only one note eating it.
Insist on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but make it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Act like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
End Goal: Leiber works for a cabal of NATO leaders bucking their own policies to try and strengthen the smaller countries once the US is out of the way as a superpower.
Leiber murders the original chef who won’t go along with the plan.
Leiber plants Russian money in a Swiss account in Raf’s name… and fake video footage to look like Raf deposited the money.
Leiber recruits Raf as the new chef… claims it’s because of Raf’s reputation for providing custom meals that help power players lure their counterparts into deals.
Leiber acts like he’s most concerned with the US’s standing in NATO – the peace treaty is essential to re-establishing the US’s dominance within NATO. Insisting that the other countries are sheep following the US superpower.
Poison all the world leaders at the pre-meeting discussions with thallium in the water. The poison isn’t in the dessert, the antidote is – in the prussian blue dye used in the icing… and the US President is a diabetic, so he’ll be the only one note eating it.
Leiber insists on keeping the meal on a strictly-timed schedule… but makes it seem like this is because the peace deal is at stake, not because everyone will feel the effects of the poison by then.
Leiber sets up Raf to look like a mercenary assassin working for the Russians.
Leiber leaves a false clue that makes Raf think the poison is in the kitchen.
Leiber murders a line cook who figures out something is “off” about the dessert.
Leiber focuses Raf’s attention on the special “no-sugar” dessert that will only be served to the US President… a seemingly obvious choice for the poison.
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Eric Humble’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
What I learned from watching Silence of the Lambs and listing the stacking suspense is how each scene gives the emotional thrill ride from the combination of MIS and thriller conventions, and that the real power in this model is that it gives the impression of a multi-layered, complex storyline without becoming a thicket of plotlines and characters. It was astonishing to me how simple the action of each scene was, and how the slowly-revealed intrigues of Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter “feel” more complex and intellectual than the actual writing is. The storyline is simple but written with great depth, having each of the MIS techniques present in both story and character in every scene, and the constant layering of all of these give the movie that feeling of complexity which I, for one, have always loved in this genre. But in analyzing this movie beat by beat, as well as Basic Instinct, I’m starting to see how plotting a thriller is much clearer and, indeed, simpler than I’ve ever made it. Analyzing these two movies was an eye-opening experience for me and as I process what I’ve learned, I’m sure I’m going to be having even more breakthroughs just from this lesson alone. I can’t wait to see where we go from here!
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Eric Humble’s Level 2 Horror Emotions
What I learned from this assignment is: that I can create a significantly more intense horror scene using the level 2 emotions. It was interesting how I could take a horror situation at the same level as the others in my outline and significantly ramp up the horror simply by the emotions I built into the scene. This was more intense and more fitting to the second act, and I was able to achieve that atmosphere by generating the Level 2 emotions. I can’t wait to see how the final set of emotions impacts the writing!
INT. MACHINE ROOM – NIGHT
The Wino ties Bremmer to a machine’s conveyor. It shuffles around activating the machine. It won’t start. Frustratedly, it shambles over to another set of power switches and throws them. The machine hums to life. Bremmer struggles to free himself from the ropes, but they hold fast.
The Wino returns, switching on a rusty rotary saw at the end of the long conveyor belt. It goes to a bank of buttons, about to press one that will operate the conveyor belt.
But CLANK! Footsteps shuffle around in the dark.
The Wino whips its head toward the sound. Crosses around the machine to peer out at the factory floor.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
Rachel, Mac, Noah, and Roach slink through the shadows, halt at the sound of the machine revving up.
MAC
What is that?
Mac and Rachel peer around a compartmented section of equipment, spy the machine. Bremmer is struggling to free himself but can’t. The Wino is nowhere to be seen.
RACHEL
My God. Bremmer…
Noah starts toward him. Rachel holds him back.
NOAH
We can’t just leave him there –
RACHEL
Where’s the wino?
ROACH
Maybe it’s there and we’re just not drunk enough to see it.
Roach extends the bottle. Rachel takes it from him… but hesitates to drink.
RACHEL
Or maybe it’s just somewhere else.
ROACH
Are you going to drink it or not?
RACHEL
There’s only a little left. There’s still a lot of building between us and the street. I’m still plenty tipsy. We keep drinking, we’ll stumble right into it out there –
Roach reaches to get the bottle back. Rachel grips it firm. Suddenly, Bremmer screams… because something has been pressed on the machine. The conveyor belt is moving him slowly, inexorably toward the saw.
INT. MACHINE – NIGHT
Bremmer writhes… works his wrist against the rope. It burns his skin. But he’s loosening the bond. He’s coming up to the saw. It’s set to go right between his legs and split him directly up the middle.
The Wino is still nowhere to be seen. The belt moves Bremmer along, coming up now on a broom handle and some old tools propped against the machine. Farther along, the bank of buttons that activated the belt. And then the saw.
He yanks his hand at the rope. It loosens. But not enough. He grits his teeth, pulls his hand through, tearing skin, drawing blood. But his hand is free…
…except the tools are whipping past him as the belt suddenly speeds up. He reaches with all he’s got… and grabs the broom handle!
Next up is the bank of buttons. He extends the handle. It’s just long enough to press the button to stop this thing… except the world is shimmery through his drunken eyes. He reaches to push the button. Can’t fixate on it.
BREMMER
Shit! Sober up, goddamn it!
He takes another try. Can’t focus. The stick is missing the button by a mile.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
Rachel slinks into the open. Sees what’s happening. The bank of buttons is ahead of her, across an open expanse of floor.
She watches Bremmer struggling to hit the button as the belt Carrie’s him past it. Another second and it’ll be out of reach of the broomstick.
Mac and Noah follow behind her. Roach freezes in his tracks, sniffing something foul on the air.
ROACH
(hisses)
Guys!
They don’t hear him. Sensing its presence, Roach ducks out of the way behind some machinery. Suddenly, The Wino charges out of the shadows behind him! Moves silently past where he just was.
The Wino approaches the others like a wraith. Comes up right behind Noah… raises the jagged bottle to strike…
…when from the conveyor belt –
BREMMER
BEHIND YOU!
They scatter… Rachel dives for cover. Noah bolts across the room to hide. Mac, frozen in panic a moment, scrabbles into one of the compartments.
INT. OPERATOR’S COMPARTMENT – NIGHT
Mac fumbles in the dark for a lock. Finds it, bolts it shut. Settles into the operator’s chair. Now, notices that the roof hatch is open, leaving her exposed.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
The Wino runs for them… then stops, scans the factory floor, searching…
…positioning itself right in the open area Rachel would need to cross to get to the bank of buttons. Meanwhile, Bremmer, screaming, is proceeding toward the saw.
INT. OPERATOR’S COMPARTMENT – NIGHT
Mac inches up to shut the roof panel. The rusty hinge CREAKS. Won’t let it close.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
The Wino darts its head. Thunders off toward the compartment. Leaps like a gymnast…
INT. OPERATOR’S COMPARTMENT – NIGHT
THUD! Mac ducks back down, hears it land. Above, the Wino crouches over the series of operator’s compartments. Head tilted, listening. Two of the compartments, side-by-side, have open roofs.
It crosses to the first. Opens its ratty, patched trenchcoat. Unzips its fly. Pisses down inside it, the urine thick and curdled.
Inside the second compartment, where Mac is tensed to be as quiet as possible, she stifles dry-heaves at the smell.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
Rachel sees her opportunity while The Wino is occupied… but is frozen, torn. Can’t leave Mac like this either. Suddenly, a HAND grips her. She startles…
But it’s just Noah. He holds up an aerosol canister he’s found.
NOAH
Do you still have the lighter?
RACHEL
No, I…
She looks to the compartment where Mac is trapped. Remembering she gave it to Mac.
The Wino has finished peeing. Staggers, significantly slower. Shaking with DTs as it moves on toward Mac’s compartment, markedly more cautious and less energetic.
RACHEL
Look… it’s sick.
NOAH
I don’t give a fuck what it is. What are we going to do?
RACHEL
It has a fast metabolism. It’s shaking. DTs. It’s only strong after it’s consumed…
(looks to the bottle in her hand)
…alcohol.
She opens the bottle, empties the last into a puddle. Moves clear of it, Noah following. Bremmer is almost at the saw. The Wino is now standing directly over Mac’s open compartment.
The Wino lifts the mask. What’s underneath is shadowed, but it’s clear that it is opening its mouth wide…
Rachel and Noah watch. The puddle of alcohol sits there. Bait not taken.
NOAH
What the hell’s it doing?
RACHEL
Why isn’t going for the alcohol?
The answer finally comes… as The Wino takes two fingers… sticks them down its throat. Prepares to vomit down into the compartment right on Mac.
INT. OPERATOR’S COMPARTMENT – NIGHT
Mac recoils, braces herself as The Wino GAGS…
…fumbles for the door lock…
When suddenly, The Wino’s head WHIPS UP. He stops gagging himself and turns toward…
…the puddle of alcohol, which a rat is lapping up. The Wino heaves itself to the floor. Hits the ground hard, its joints cracking. It moves silently, breathing stertorously, as it eyes the rat…
…now snatches the rat. Lifts its mask and bites into the rat, spraying rat-blood, devours it whole.
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Eric Humble’s Stacking Suspense Model Assignment 1 – BI
What I learned from this lesson is: how every scene has some combination of MIS for each situation/scene and for the main characters can create a complex viewing experience for the audience without necessarily requiring the story itself to be as complicated as it feels. I was stunned by how the movie constantly worked on multiple levels just from interweaving the MIS of the scenes, the big MIS, or MIS of the characters. I often get lost in my thrillers from trying to think through the story linearly on multiple levels all at once. Watching Basic Instinct with the chart, I was able to see how to break each scene down so that it delivered on the thriller conventions and the thriller experience in a much simpler, non-linear storytelling method. I’m excited to do my own analysis of Silence of the Lambs to really internalize how this process results in a thriller.
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Eric Humble’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned from this assignment is: how using techniques to create just three emotions can elevate an entire sequence. Prior to this assignment, I’ve always endeavored to use as many interest techniques as I can pack into a scene, but it never occurred to me that certain genres require certain techniques and emotions over others. I think this is another area in which my past horror scripts have failed, because some of the emotions and challenging situations I’ve put into the scenes haven’t generated the most important emotions. Using just these three has created a pretty interesting scene from the first act that delivers on the genre requirements more powerfully than most of the scenes of my other attempts at horror.
INT. LOFT – NIGHT
It’s New Year’s Eve in New York, Mardi Gras in New Orleans, a high roller VIP’s Vegas, and the best fucking prom night ever. Welcome to the party.
The whole group is agape. Mac grabs Bill by the arms and dances him onto the throbbing dance floor.
Rachel takes in the details – smoke machines, laser and strobe lights. The DJ rocks it out from a cage high above. The dance floor is packed. Bremmer approaches her, grins.
BREMMER
Don’t worry – planet Earth will still be there when you get back.
She pushes clear of him, walks the periphery of the dance floor. Tuxedoed bartenders are stationed at different corners of the room. She catches sight of Noah, awkwardly eyeing the activity. They shout over the music:
RACHEL
This is the loudest music I ever heard outside a prayer meeting.
NOAH
Does your… religion… believe in, you know, sex?
Rachel bridles at the mention of her religion.
RACHEL
I’m more than my upbringing, you know.
NOAH
I didn’t… I mean… I guess I’m just trying to ask – do you dance?
She regards him a moment. His awkwardness. She offers her hand. Guides him onto the dance floor. They’re buffeted by bodies. Rachel tenses, regretting what she’s gotten them into… but the shot is kicking in. She’s bleary, the world shimmering around her. She relaxes into the beat, as does Noah. The music takes them.
Elsewhere, Bill and Mac gyrate and grind on the dance floor.
Noah and Rachel get into it, sweaty and sexy…
NOAH
What the hell were in those drinks?
RACHEL
(breathless)
Who cares, just keep going…
But Noah suddenly winces.
NOAH
God, do you smell that?
Rachel breaks from him grimacing, holds her nose. Noah looks over the piping above them.
NOAH
That DJ may have hung his lights on a sewer pipe. If it leaks… We should probably…
But Rachel is already off the dance floor.
INT. CORNER OF THE LOFT – NIGHT
Veronica is keeping to the sidelines, sniffing her saline spray and blowing her nose… but freezes as she catches sight of something… far across the room…
…The Wino. Just a brief glimpse of the canvas “shitface” mask between the gyrating bodies… It’s seated on the opposite sideline, staring at her. And now, it rises, starts toward her… and vanishes amid the dancers.
A hand claps her shoulder, hard – she yelps!
– but it’s only Roach. She shoves him.
VERONICA
Don’t do that!
Roach holds up a glass of liquor.
ROACH
This party’s a total sham. Look.
He nods to a bar station. A handsome tuxedoed bartender dispenses liquor from an array of expensive bottles.
ROACH
That’s about ten thousand dollars’ worth of the best liquor you can get – if you can get them. Some of those are limited editions from exclusive distilleries.
(sniffs his glass)
But this is paint thinner. It’s cheap shit in top-shelf labels.
He hands her a glass. She sets it down on a table without drinking.
VERONICA
I’m on cold medicine.
ROACH
Which brand? You know, you can make meth of that shit.
VERONICA
Take me to the bathroom.
ROACH
What? Why?
VERONICA
Because this place is creepy and I don’t want to be a woman walking alone. Be a gentleman for once.
Roach shrugs, downs his drink. Grimaces at the flavor. Offers his arm. They venture down a hallway.
INT. DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Away from the music. Shadows, rusty piping, crumbling walls. Veronica and Roach wander – and have been at it awhile.
ROACH
Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it…
VERONICA
They wouldn’t not have a bathroom.
ROACH
I mean, they’re not exactly following building codes here…
VERONICA
If I don’t find one soon, I’m peeing in the corner, I don’t care.
Roach suddenly stops in his tracks. Looks around.
ROACH
Do you remember the way we came?
VERONICA
From right back there. Don’t scare me.
ROACH
We didn’t come from back there. I mean, it looked like back there, but I feel like we came from the side, like over there, maybe?
She looks in the direction he’s pointing.
VERONICA
There’s no hallway over there. Stop.
ROACH
But I’m right, right? It feels like we came from that direction.
It’s just a wall where he’s pointing. Both are visibly nervous, but trying their damndest not to show it. Now, Roach recoils.
ROACH
Dude, did you pee yourself?
VERONICA
Ew, no!
ROACH
Because it smells like pee –
VERONICA
I know what it smells like, God! That, what is that?
Shuffling footsteps from the dark. Veronica tenses.
VERONICA
There’s someone there.
ROACH
Bullshit. Probably just some people boning, let’s give them their privacy.
VERONICA
God, that smell’s gonna make me sick.
She turns and bolts down a farther corridor before Roach can stop her…
ROACH
Wait – V!
INT. ANOTHER CHAMBER – NIGHT
Roach chases after her… and ahead, they see the way back to the party.
VERONICA
Thank God.
They start for it –
– When a steel door swings open, blocking their path! A girl staggers out. It’s the bathroom.
DRUNK GIRL
Sorry, were you waiting?
She sashays back toward the dance floor.
VERONICA
Don’t move an inch from this spot. I mean it.
She enters the bathroom.
Roach lingers a moment. Now, takes out a vial of cocaine, sprinkles a line onto his sleeve. Snorts it. Looks up, startled to see the drunk girl is still there, watching him.
DRUNK GIRL
Feel like sharing?
Roach hides the vial behind him, tucks it in his pocket.
ROACH
Sorry – plum out.
The girl nods beyond him –
DRUNK GIRL
Maybe he’s got some of the good shit.
Roach turns to see –
– a looming, unmoving figure. Hooded, ragged clothes, face hidden in shadow, watching him from the far end of the hall. The Wino.
Suddenly, Veronica throws the door open and leaps out, shrieking. T
VERONICA
here’s a fucking rat in there! Next time, I’ll just piss my pants. It’s cleaner.
Roach looks beyond her. The Wino is gone.
INT. DANCE FLOOR – NIGHT
The strobes and laser lights are intoxicating. The beat deafening. Rachel and Noah dance, attached at the waist. Bill caresses Mac’s breast to the beat of the music. It’s bodies, sweat, motion. A clothed orgy. It’s hallucinogenic ecstasy. Until it’s suddenly –
DARKNESS.
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Eric Humble’s World and Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is: that by designing the characters and world to have an inherent M.I.S., I can focus the story so that it naturally evolves in thriller territory. This is another aspect of thriller writing that often vexes me, because I use the standard techniques to develop characters, world, motivations, etc. and I often find myself in “drama” situations which I then have to contort to meet the thriller mold. It always ends up overcomplicating the plot and stretching situations beyond credibility. This is already shaping up to be a more concise, cleaner plot.
CONCEPT: A chef catering the G7 summit discovers someone is plotting to poison the President at dessert and has five courses to stop it from happening… using only the food he creates.
Big Mystery: Who is the assassin and how is planning to kill the President?
Big Intrigue: Leiber wants to poison the President in order to shift the balance of power to a cabal of NATO leaders when the peace talks fail and the U.S. is out as a superpower.
Big Suspense: Will Leiber kill Raf? Will he kill the President?
INTRIGUING WORLD: The kitchen preparing the meal at the G7 Summit, around which NATO leaders will broker peace between Russia and the European country it has invaded.
HERO: Raf
Mystery: Who is the assassin and how is the assassin going to kill the
President?
Intrigue: Uses the food he prepares to correspond with the World Leaders
upstairs at the Summit… cooks hidden meanings into the meals.
Suspense: Will he stop the assassination in time?
VILLAIN: Leiber
Mystery: Why is he plotting to assassinate the President just as
peace is finally about to be brokered?
Intrigue: He works for a cabal of NATO leaders bucking their own policies to try
and strengthen the smaller countries once the US is out of the way as a
superpower.
Suspense: Will he Leiber succeed and make the minority cabal the greatest
superpower the world never knew was in its midst?
RED HERRING: Salvatore
Mystery: Why is Salvatore trying to sabotage the meal?
Intrigue: He is a sleeper agent for one of the smaller NATO countries, which is
unhappy that peace will come at the cost of it seceding a small tract of
land to Russia, despite the US President and NATO leaders’s
endorsement of this concession.
Suspense: Will he ruin the peace deal before it’s signed?
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Eric Humble’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is: that by identifying and focusing only on the aspects of a story which are essential to the genre, I can create a workable outline that is the perfect length and delivers fully on all the conventions. I almost always run into the issue of my first drafts being enormously overlong, which in turn makes the rewrite process long and difficult as I try to mine each aspect of the story and then eventually boil it down to a reasonable length. A lot of these problems stem from an outline that is too long at the outset, overstuffed with ideas that, while often strong, wander away from the essential aspects of the story. I’m very excited to work with this outline, as it is already much tighter and shorter than any I’ve started with before and delivers on the genre expectations while also taking us on a satisfying journey with each of the characters.
OUTLINE:
MM1:
INT. ABANDONED SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
Three gang members hanging out. A preppy college kid staggers down in a panic, begs them to sell him drugs… he takes some pills but before they kick in, he smells something rank approaching and takes off. The gang can’t see what’s spooking him.
EXT. STREET ABOVE – NIGHT
He looks around, sees nothing. He guzzles from a bottle. Then the drugs kick in. Suddenly, a big, obscured figure is right behind him – in a blur, it jabs a broken bottle into his throat, carves out his jugular… and slurps up his blood as it gushes out.
INT. UNIVERSITY HOUSING – NIGHT
Rachel comes home in scrubs, showers. Text from “Mac:” Can’t find my necklace anywhere. Rachel immediately spots it. She writes a letter, places a stamp on it, addresses it simply Mom. Mac texts/calls incessantly throughout, telling her to come out with them and to bring her necklace. Rachel stops to pray… but Mac’s text interrupts her: What else do you have to do tonight, pray? Rachel leaves, not particularly happy about it.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Mackenzie brings Rachel a shirley temple to chide her – but she’s spiked it with vodka. Rachel spits it out. Claims she just wants her to loosen up – especially for the night they have planned. The introduces Bremmer…
…who is arm-wrestling Bill at the bar, and losing – but with charm. Bremmer points out Bill’s U.S. Marines tattoo. He regales them with the epic bash he’s setting up across town later tonight, an underground club. Invites them all, leaves.
A nasty smell comes over Rachel and an invitation suddenly flutters onto the table on stained, ragged, filthy paper: Party With Me. It lists the address.
Mackenzie brushes it off, urges her to come along as part of her “big city adventure.”
MM2:
INT. VERONICA’S DORM – NIGHT
Veronica, sick with a cold, in pajamas – opens the door on Mac and promptly shuts it with an eye roll. Mackenzie pushes Veronica to go, but she urges them not to go, because it’s in a dodgy section of town where you can’t get a rideshare after midnight. Mackenzie brushes this off because there’s allegedly a subway stop nearby.
INT. NOAH’S DORM – NIGHT
Noah is studying – when Mac acts like there’s an emergency to get him to open up. Mac finally convinces Rachel to go by ushering in Noah for the trip; Rachel is clearly crushing on Noah.
Meanwhile, Roach, Noah’s roommate, snorts coke in the bathroom… overhears and invites himself along, despite no one wanting him to go because he’s creepy – by paying for an upscale rideshare to pregame.
EXT. DERELICT FACTORY – NIGHT
Their rideshare drops them at an abandoned industrial park, all shadows and crumbling, empty buildings. They realize the section of town they’re in is where a building spontaneously collapsed a few years ago. Noah assesses the building as condemned for a reason – will collapse at any time.
But Veronica sees The Wino and is creeped out. Noah dismisses him – probably just wants a couple of bucks to get loaded… but he doesn’t see any wino. Mackenzie brushes it aside; she doesn’t see anyone either.
But they do see a message scrawled on the wall in feces: Party with Me.
Rachel finally calls it – let’s go. Bill seconds it, unafraid but aware this is an unwise move.
Mac charges ahead to follow some faint music out of jealousy, because Bill has deferred to Rachel. Roach pooh-poohs everyone’s suspicions – wants to see what there is to see… and goes along with her. Veronica doesn’t want to go, but follows because she doesn’t want to linger there with The WIno.
They get closer to the thrumming music – then Bremmer opens the door . An epic bash is going on up in the loft. Two rules to enter: they have to lock up their phones. They’re not supposed to be here and there are some VIPs – they can’t allow anyone to post anything about the party. And they have to do a shot at the door. Mac dares Rachel… and Rachel does the shot to prove she’s not a prude. Mac pushes them all to do the same. Bill dives in and does a shot to show Mac he’s her man.
INT. LOFT – NIGHT
They all black out… only to awaken alone. The party is long over, the place trashed, and it’s way past time to get a rideshare anywhere in this part of the city… if they could even get to their phones, but that room is locked.
EXT. CORRIDOR TO THE ELEVATOR – NIGHT
They discover a party girl dead, her spine ripped open. Veronica panics, sinks against a wall, hyperventilating – until Roach gets her breathing under control. Roach takes a drink from a bottle lying around and offers her a sip, which she declines because she’s on cold medicine.
Mac freezes up upon seeing it – then owns up to being responsible when Rachel calls her out on it. Noah is freaked out, doesn’t want any of them to go near the body – and refuses to himself, feeling queasy.
But Rachel gets up close to examine it, and Roach joins her, fascinated by the gore. Rachel identifies that the spine has been ripped out and there are teeth marks on it… and fragments of glass from a bottle around the wound. The girl has a glass pipe in hand, charred from recent use – she smoked meth. Someone did this with a bottle. No wonder the party broke up.
Bill takes charge, leads them away from the body – orders them not to touch anything. They’re getting straight out even if they have to walk the whole way across town, then they’re calling an anonymous tip in to cops as soon as they’re on safe ground. “From here to the street is a warzone.”
MM3:
INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR/OVERLOOK – NIGHT
Veronica’s the only one able to see The Wino at the bottom of the elevator in the creepy mask. The others don’t see anything and just want to get out – but Veronica is on the verge of hysteria… and The Wino is now gone. Maybe lurking in the shadows, waiting. Bill believes her – as does Rachel. After all, something carved that girl’s spine out. They’re not going to take the elevator in case he’s still down there.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
They look for a staircase down, but get disoriented. Lit up Exit sign. They run to it, only to find it’s not even at a door – it’s just mounted there on the wall. And the door they entered through is now closed and locked from the outside.
INT. STORAGE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
They smell and sense its presence, then see The Wino coming for them. Veronica sticks with Roach as they bolt for it… and outrun it, shoving a massive piece of machinery in front of the door as a barricade. Noah gets everyone inside the next partition while remaining behind to finish barricading the door. Notices that it’s lumbering, not fast.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – NIGHT
Roach brings up that they just outran it. Why don’t we just run for this next elevator? More to the point, there are six of us and one of him. Bill rallies them to stay calm and stick together. They need to know more about him and this place before they engage. They arm themselves with anything that could be used as a weapon.
They discover Bremmer hiding. He acts like he’s panicking and trying to escape, that he’s as disoriented as them… but knows the building better. There’s another freight elevator somewhere on the other side of the building, if they can orient themselves…
Just as they’re coming up with a plan, the barricade is shoved aside with ease – and Veronica is stabbed in the gut with bottle and dragged away screaming by the Wino.
They scatter and hide. Better to live and rescue Veronica once they regroup with a plan than try to take on whatever the hell this guy is.
MM4:
EXT. CATWALK/OVERLOOKING FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
As they proceed, Bremmer tries to convince them to make a deal with the Wino. Mackenzie’s the only one who champions this. They come to a catwalk, and Bill asks Noah’s opinion – is it structurally sound?
Roach is terrified of heights. Opts to stay behind while they check it out.
He sees The Wino closing in on the others from this vantage, but can’t call out to them. Tries to draw The Wino away from them, but gets turned around as he retreats.
The Wino stabs Roach’s nose – and the shards are still embedded in the skin and have to be removed before they pierce something vital… just as they locate the second elevator. Bill orders Rachel to treat him; just get him in shape to move.
Rachel medicates Roach and performs impromptu surgery… as Roach is seeing the Wino sabotage the second elevator in his opioid stupor, and can’t warn them before he falls unconscious.
INT. ELEVATOR BANK – NIGHT
Bill is going to take him out with a makeshift knife from behind. Noah is Bill’s second, but Bill gives him the order, “If anything happens to me, don’t reveal yourself. Retreat and regroup.”
Bill goes to make his move… but realizes he’s too drunk. He forces himself to vomit, sobers up… and then, suddenly sober, he can no longer see it, even though the others can. It goes into a rage and stabs Bill repeatedly, eating nothing off of him.
Mac charges at it with a hammer she finds – but Noah stops her, silences her. Rachel presses on repairing Roach’s face… and takes a swig from a bottle they’re now passing around. She realizes The Wino is invisible unless you’re drunk or high.
MM5:
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
They have no choice but to cross the factory floor, a strategically foolhardy plan.
INT. MACHINE ROOM – NIGHT
The Wino ties Bremmer to a machine’s conveyor and activates a rotary saw. Gives him a broom whose handle is long enough to reach the control button – if he can keep a clear enough head to push it.
Meanwhile, The Wino has zeroed in on two pieces of equipment, one of which Mackenzie is behind… He pees into them, forcing her to show herself.
Rachel hides and watches. Sees that it’s sickly. Constantly detoxing – sick, weak, shaking with DTs. Only achieves its strength once it consumes drugs or alcohol, but loses the strength quickly after – a fast metabolism.
She slides Mackenzie an aerosol can of flammable paint but can’t get to Bremmer without being seen. Mackenzie comes out swinging with a cigarette lighter and the spray, burning him in the face.
Rachel leaves the last of the alcohol in a pool but it won’t get distracted and go toward it… until a rat drinks it. The Wino chases the rat instead of them, allowing her to release Bremmer.
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
They get clear, allowing The Wino to continue past them. But they’re out of alcohol. Roach and Bremmer both reveal they’ve brought along hard drugs: acid, meth, heroin.
MM6:
INT. FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT
Rachel refuses to do hard drugs. Noah seconds Rachel’s decision even as Bremmer, Mackenzie, and Roach take a hit of meth.
INT. BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Roach is hoarding a stash of coke. Noah wants some so he won’t have to drop acid, the only other alternative… but Roach’s addiction won’t let him. Noah drios acid…
INT. FARTHER ALONG – NIGHT
then catches Roach preparing coke. He fights him and Roach loses the coke through a crack in the floor. Roach lingers behind to try and collect what he can… but The Wino converges on him and breaks off his nose to get what’s inside… then cracks into his skull and sucks it out of his brain.
INT. BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Rachel pieces together that it consumes the drugs and alcohol secondhand – took meth from the spine of the party girl, ate cocaine out of Roach’s brain, but didn’t eat anything off Bill, just killed him in a rage because he wasn’t drunk. It needs to consume alcohol or drugs through people to feed its endless addiction.
INT. RICKETY SECTION – NIGHT
Treacherous landscape – as the acid kicks in, Noah hallucinates the others transforming into hideous wraiths. He turns on them, fighting… and steps wrong, causing the floor to collapse.
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
Rachel climbs down to help him. They’ve landed in The Wino’s lair. Victorian-age artifacts, portraits with the eyes slashed out and defaced to show drunkenness and lewdness, an altar with a pentagram and devilish statues.
Rachel won’t accept it, paces around, hysterical, acting like this is all going to be a nightmare she’ll wake up from… and then she sees…
…There’s a way out from here – a staircase that leads to an open door, light streaming in.
But Bremmer locks them in – and reveals that he hosted the party as a plan to meet The Wino. He’s known the legends and wants its power… and is offering the survivors as a bargaining chip. They try to bust out… but can’t.
MM7:
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
There’s a rancid smell – The Wino is in here with them, but they can’t see it or pinpoint it… and they’re on its turf, a whole mazelike lair to navigate to get to the stairs.
Noah sobers up for a moment, his leg broken with an open fracture. Spots The Wino and finds a gun that he has to be steady enough to load… he can’t do it in his trippy state. Opts to take a bullet and a hammer — but it isn’t the Wino. It’s Veronica’s corpse.
The real Wino comes up behind him, kills him with the bottle, and gnaws the base of his brain at his neck.
Mac finds a bottle of whiskey, urges Rachel to drink so they can see it – but Rachel is thinking, based on Noah’s death – getting drunk or high allows you to see it, but hinders your ability to fight it… she gets an idea and looks to Veronica’s body.
INT. DOORWAY – NIGHT
The Wino lets Bremmer in, like it’s open to the deal he’s making by offering him the others… but instead of rewarding him, The Wino ties him up. He struggles against the Wino to no avail, other than breaking his own limbs to try and get free. The Wino forces him to take all the drugs and alcohol, even after his body is rejecting it and shutting down…
INT. WINO’S LAIR – NIGHT
Rachel takes Veronica’s cold medicine – and discovers it allows her to see The Wino without being overly impaired. She acts like she can’t see him and lures him into a rickety section of the building… then knocks the ceiling down on him and stabs him repeatedly with his own bottle, raging just like her abusive father.
It seems to kill him. Except he springs back up! When… Bill, still alive, pins him… Exactly as he was trying to before – stabs it with the makeshift knife. Pulls it clear of Mac and Rachel. He’s dying, but they take him with them.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
They run out into the free air. But Bill dies. They cradle him…. Then The Wino shows up and devours his corpse, allowing them a moment to run to the subway.
INT. SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
They reach the subway platform. It’s empty and crumbling, no train coming. But they can hear a train somewhere ahead – they’re close to a functioning station. They have a choice – the safer route, above ground… but the medicine is starting to wear off and he’ll be invisible once they get up there. Or the tunnel, a straight shot to the next terminal and in the dark they’ll be as invisible to him as he is to them….
INT. TUNNEL – NIGHT
And while Rachel is deliberating, Mac takes off… only for Rachel to hear a muffled scream… because The Wino is already ahead of them in there and has just stabbed her through the gut with the bottle, slurps the cold medicine out of her stomach.
Out of alcohol and lighter drugs, Rachel has no choice but to inject heroin with the plan of using Narcan on her to sap it out of her body as soon as she can escape.
The Wino forces Rachel to walk the outside rim of the track – just inches away from the third rail, if she can manage to walk that straight.
Rachel tricks him onto the third rail, zapping him, finally making it within sight of the next subway stop, which seems to be populated and operational.
INT. OPERATIONAL SUBWAY PLATFORM – NIGHT
Rachel emerges at a platform, just getting populated for the morning rush. She finds a discarded whiskey bottle with some drink left in it.
INT. SUBWAY – DAWN
Gets on the subway with the bottle in a paper bag, swigs it as the train brings her back to the city. She’s wary of the winos and sketchy-looking passengers. Someone gives her a disapproving look, grumbles: “Lousy drunk, what a waste…”
INT. WINO’S LAIR – DAWN
Bremmer is still alive back at the Wino’s lair, even though his body is writhing in agony for multiple overdoses… The Wino crawls back in, barely alive, and proceeds to eat him whole.
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Eric Humble’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is: that by simplifying the process of writing a thriller into the big components, I can more easily create a strong foundation for the plot. I’ve been struggling with plotting and outlining for as long as I have been writing – particularly with thrillers, which is my favorite genre. I tend to get too bogged down in the complexities and contrivances that when I finally unravel everything, it’s after months and months of outlining, very little writing of the actual script, and at that point I’m almost always disappointed by what I’ve written in as the foundation of the story. This tendency to get lost in the plot machinations has made me wary and disempowered whenever I get a thriller idea that excites me – it feels like I’m already defeated before I even start. So this process to break it down into the Big M.I.S. at the outset and work from there is very exciting to me. I can’t wait to see how we progress from here!
CONCEPT: A chef catering the G7 summit discovers someone is plotting to poison the President at dessert and has five courses to stop it from happening… using only the food he creates.
1. What are the conventions of your story?
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Raf, a chef cooking the most important meal of his career. Adept in sizing up people and zeroing in on their specific needs – and appetites.
Dangerous Villain: Leiber, a foreign agent undercover as a high-ranking Secret Service agent, whose mission is to assassinate the US President to sabotage the peace treaty being brokered.
High stakes: The President will be killed. Raf will be killed if he uncovers the plan. A major peace treaty that could affect the world hangs in the balance.
Life and death situations: Raf needs to figure out which of his cooks is the assassin and how he’s planning to poison dessert. Someone is trying to kill Raf. Raf will be blamed if the President is poisoned. The previous chef found out and was killed. Everything in the kitchen is a potential weapon.
This story is thrilling because? Raf knows something catastrophic is going to happen but has no way to warn anyone. He’s in mortal danger. If he fails, the world descends into war.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?
Big Mystery: Who is the assassin and how is planning to kill the President?
Big Intrigue: Leiber wants to poison the President in order to shift the balance of power to one of the lesser NATO countries when the peace talks fail.
Big Suspense: Will Leiber kill Raf? Will he kill the President?
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Eric Humble’s Character Journey Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: how you can take even the character with the shortest amount of screen time on a journey and allow the audience to experience that journey for maximum impact. In past horror scripts, I’ve treated all but the lead character as “disposable” with only a few core traits and a subtext trait as their character profile, mostly as a way to make their dialogue distinct. This model of abbreviated character profile got me thinking about a broader aspect of their characters and the questions for the character journey allowed me to set each of them up to really pull the audience in so that we would “feel” something when they are killed. I think it’s making the outline much stronger and will make the screenplay a richer experience. I’ve added a few elements from the traditional character profile that we learned in MSC and ProSeries to my main leads so that their characters will stand out a bit (and hopefully attract bankable actors) but even the least among them is now an interesting character with an interesting journey.
Name: Rachel
Role in the Story: Innocent – Introvert / Loner
Age range and Description: 22
Traits:
Observant
Unflappable
Overcautious
Raging
Fears: Becoming a raging drunk like her abusive father
Wants: To escape the building
Needs: To avoid becoming an alcoholic
Likability / Rooting factors: She’s clever, unflappable in the face of mutilated bodies
How they react under stress: She focuses on the task at hand, rallies others to do the same
Relationship with other characters:
Friends with Mackenzie, although she stows annoyance and Mac’s jibes regarding her sobriety; after the first horror, she’s pissed at Mackenzie, but withholds about this because it won’t help their immediate situation/
Gravitates toward Bill, who, like her, is focused on action.
Doesn’t like Roach, a regular drug-user, at first, but once the horror starts, finds herself connecting more with him because they’re both med students unruffled by gore.
Doesn’t trust Bremmer, actively avoids him.
Likes Noah, but is too afraid of her own demons to act on it.
Is closest with Veronica, and feels personally responsible for dragging her into this.
Subtext: Withholding
What’s special about this character? Keenly observant, notices the things others don’t
Wound: Her father was an abusive alcoholic – and her closed-off ultraconservative religious community is rife with similar stories of substance abuse. It’s in the genes.
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Comes home in scrubs, showers. Mac texts her: can’t find my necklace anywhere” Rachel immediately spots it. Mac is calling her phone incessantly throughout, telling her to come out with them and to bring her necklace. Rachel writes a letter, places a stamp on it. It’s addressed “Mom.” Stops to pray… but Mac’s text interrupts her: “What else do you have to do tonight, pray?” Rachel leaves, not particularly happy about it.
Denial: She doesn’t want to get close to the body – just accepts it as a drunken accident that everyone else had the good sense to clear out after, tells everyone to leave – and has a pointed comment to Mackenzie for getting them into this.
Their reaction at first horror: Examines the body, identifies that the spine has been ripped out and there are teeth marks on it… and fragments of glass from a bottle.
Relation to group after first horror: Loner, keeps her ideas to herself… but Bill makes her his de facto second-in-command; acts as the group’s “doctor”
How they fight back: Searches for/identifies clues, runs away except when she has learned an advantage – passes Mac the aerosol can, baits it with the rat and the heroin
End Point: Rachel makes it to the populated subway station – but must swipe a bottle and stay drunk, even in safety, just to be sure.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The only way to survive The Wino is to become an addict for the rest of your life.
Name: Mackenzie
Role in the Story: The Carrier – Rebel / Rule Breaker
Age range and Description: 22
Traits:
Daring/Pushes limits
Fun
Bullying
Loyal
Fears: Stagnation, standing still in life and in survival
Wants: To get everyone out safe
Needs: To choose the easy way rather than the risky way
Likability / Rooting factors: Loyal to her friends, owns up to pushing people too far (though only after her shenanigans have blown up in people’s faces), brings fun to everything
How they react under stress: Defers to Bill, makes jokes, owns up to her role in this
Relationship with other characters:
Tense friendship with Rachel – because she’s always pushing Rachel to party more and because she suspects Bill has a thing for Rachel
Is repulsed by Roach
Is taken in by Bremmer – believes him throughout because he appeals to her sense of danger
Pushes Noah toward Rachel, otherwise doesn’t think much of him
Looks down on Veronica as being too whiny and complacent in life
Flaw: Always takes the risky way, never the easy way
Subtext: Passive-aggression – she pushes people out of their comfort zones to humiliate them or to exact revenge for perceived sleights
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Texting Rachel. Once in the bar, she comes over with a shirley temple to chide Rachel – but she’s spiked it with vodka. Claims she just wants her to loosen up – especially for the night they have planned… then introduces Bremmer.
Denial: Charges ahead to follow the music and find the party out of jealousy after Bill seconds Rachel’s decision to leave – and does a shot from Bremmer, pushes them all to do the same.
Their reaction at first horror: Freezes up upon seeing the body – then owns up to being responsible when Rachel calls her out on it.
Relation to group after first horror: Follower, but always takes the risky path, sometimes before the orders are given. Testy relationships with Rachel and Bill as her jealousy comes out and her guilt over them all being there kicks in.
How they fight back: She’s a fighter. Sets it on fire with the aerosol can and lighter. Charges at it with a hammer she finds.
End Point: Rushes ahead into the tunnel without deliberating – and is killed by The Wino, who is ahead of them and drinking the medicine out of her stomach.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? You can’t assume you’ve escaped it… ever. You have to always be vigilant – and always be drunk or high.
Name: Bremmer
Role in the Story: Red Herring
Age range and Description: 33
Traits:
Charming
Ambitious
Grounded
Shifty
Fears: That he can’t control the evil he’s dealing with
Wants: To gain the Wino’s power
Needs: To save himself
Likability / Rooting factors: Throws himself into danger to protect them – proving he’s one of the group
How they react under stress: Rattled, panicked; thinks of saving himself first; tries to talk/deal his way out
Relationship with other characters:
Is sexually attracted to Rachel, even though she rebuffs him
Charms Mackenzie and gets her in his camp, championing him
He and Roach share a love of drugs and intoxication
He sees Bill as a rival to himself, because Bill blatantly doesn’t trust him
He sees Veronica as easy prey for the Wino, so he grooms her to be snatched by him
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Arm-wrestling Bill at the bar, and losing – but with charm.
Denial: He ushers the group in and makes them turn in their cell phones and take a shot – which, it will turn out, he has drugged.
Their reaction at first horror: Acts like he’s panicking and trying to escape.
Relation to group after first horror: He’s ingratiating, even though no one likes or trusts him except Mackenzie.
How they fight back: Tries to talk his way or deal his way out with the Wino.
End Point: The Wino injects him with all the drugs they have and more in the Wino’s possession… and eventually, the Wino devours him whole.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? You can’t deal with the Wino. It doesn’t have or need allies.
Name: Noah
Role in the Story: Love interest
Age range and Description: 24
Traits:
Geeky (architecture/engineer nerd)
Awkward
Sheepish
Brave
Fears: Dying here like this; offending Rachel
Wants: To survive
Needs: To not blow his chances with Rachel
Likability / Rooting factors: Geeky and knowledgeable about engineering, which helps them navigate the space; brave in life-and-death matters even though he’s sheepish in interpersonal ones
How they react under stress: Panics, strategizes, stands with Rachel on most things – though he sneaks drugs even when she refuses in order to save himself
Relationship with other characters:
Likes Rachel, but is intimidated by her religious upbringing
Feels bullied by Mackenzie
Is intimidated by Bill
Distrusts Bremmer
Gets along well – but not romantically – with Veronica
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Studying – when Mac acts like there’s an emergency to get him to open up.
Denial: Assesses the building as condemned for a reason – will collapse at any time. As far as he’s concerned, that’s the only danger. Dismisses the Wino as a danger – he probably just wants a couple of bucks to get loaded… but he doesn’t see any wino.
Their reaction at first horror: Freaked out, doesn’t want any of them to go near the body – and refuses to himself, feeling queasy.
Relation to group after first horror: Follows Bill’s orders – but is braver than the others despite seeming more cowardly.
How they fight back: Gets everyone inside the next partition while remaining behind to finish barricading the door. Is Bill’s second to take out The Wino at the midpoint, but Bill gives him the order, “If anything happens to me, don’t reveal yourself. Retreat and regroup.”
End Point: Tries to load the gun, can’t, but uses the bullet and a hammer to shoot The Wino… only to realize it’s Veronica’s corpse and the Wino is right behind him.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Drugs let you see it but hinder your ability to stop it.
Name: Bill
Role in the Story: Leader
Age range and Description: 24
Traits:
Badass
Leader
Kind
Strategic
Fears: Letting his troops down
Wants: To get them all out safely
Needs: To kill The Wino
Likability / Rooting factors: Heroic, badass, and kind to everyone under his “command”
How they react under stress: Takes charge, focuses the group on the task at hand, gathers intel and strategizes
Relationship with other characters:
Is of like minds with Rachel and her unflappable nature
Loves Mackenzie but never holds her to account for her actions
Sees Noah, Roach, and Veronica as his troops, there to be directed and protected by him
Distrusts Bremmer, blames him for all of this and suspects he has an ulterior motive
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Arm-wrestling Bremmer at the bar – and winning. Bremmer points out Bill’s U.S. Marines tattoo.
Denial: Isn’t afraid but seconds Rachel’s decision to leave… until Mac charges ahead and finds Bremmer and the party. Then, he dives in and does a shot.
Their reaction at first horror: Takes charge, “From here to the street is a warzone.”
Relation to group after first horror: Leader. Everyone looks to him except Mac, who disobeys orders.
How they fight back: Strategizes, gives orders, confers with Rachel and Noah with regard to their areas of expertise, and goes out to stab The Wino himself.
End Point: Is attacked after he vomits the alcohol in his system and can no longer see the Wino. Later, returns to stab the Wino and finish him off for Rachel and Mac only to die of blood loss in the street afterwards.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? You can’t see The Wino unless you’re drunk or high.
Name: Roach
Role in the Story: Out of control / Obnoxious
Age range and Description: 22
Traits:
Obnoxious
Entitled
Drugged-out
Verbose
Fears: Being found out as a junkie; ODing; dying in a derelict building with no decency
Wants: To get out alive
Needs: To keep his addiction hidden
Likability / Rooting factors: Darkly humorous outlook; wise-cracking
How they react under stress: Deadpan dark humor; gets high; slinks behind everyone to hide his addiction; gets snippy and entitled, obnoxious
Relationship with other characters:
Snide condescension toward Rachel; paranoid, feels like she’s judging him for doing drugs – but once the horror starts, he and Rachel bond over their fascination of the morbid
Snipes at Mackenzie – she’s repulsed by him, he sees it as a frienemy relationship
Defers to Bill, counting on him to get them out of it
He and Bremmer have a shared fondness for drugs
He chides Noah for being a wuss, thinks himself superior
Is protective of Veronica
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Invites himself along, despite no one wanting him to go – by paying for an upscale rideshare to pregame.
Denial: Pooh-poohs everyone’s suspicions – wants to see what there is to see… and goes along with Mac.
Their reaction at first horror: Freaks out and takes a drink from a bottle lying around. Then gets up close with Rachel to examine it, fascinated by the gore.
Relation to group after first horror: Protective of Veronica, supplier of drugs, insolent to Bill yet follows him… and sneaks his own stash along the way.
How they fight back: Gets everyone high, but withholds drugs from Noah except acid. Fights with Noah to keep his heroin.
End Point: Is scrabbling for the spilled coke when The Wino gets him and sucks it out of his brain.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? It needs alcohol or drugs that you have consumed first… and will consume them out of your body.
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DAY 1 – THRILLER CONVENTIONS
“KIMI” THRILLER CONVENTIONS
What I learned doing this assignment is: That the basic conventions of the thriller show through on stories that are complex and even on low-budget films. KIMI is a very low-budget contained thriller that nonetheless delivers on all of these conventions very strongly. Once I knew what to do look for, I was able to easily identify the conventions even when the plot become complex or deliberately misleading. I’m excited to learn the process to use the conventions to plot out a thriller of my own and hopefully craft it to be as satisfying a journey as KIMI was.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Angela, an agoraphobic data stream analyzer, unknowing of the crime she’s about to accidentally overhear through the “Kimi” system as part of her job. But she is resourceful in that she knows enough about tech and tracking to hack into the admin data in order to see the crime take place through a supposedly unhackable product, to question the company that seems to have her retinal ID even though she didn’t consent to give it, to dump her cell phone when she suspects she’s being tracked, to use the Kimi device to control her apartment lights and sound system to turn the tables on her attackers, and knowledgeable of the carpentry tools from her father to use them as weapons.
Dangerous Villain: Antonio Rivas, a smooth hit man whose squad has killed the woman whose audio Angela overheard. He has operators everywhere to pull his hits, and tech-savvy trackers to find his targets from their home computers in real time. He has exceeded his employer’s wishes to track and kill Angela and will stop at nothing – including killing others as collateral damage – in order to contain the data for his employer, the powerful CEO of the Kimi device.
High stakes: One woman has been raped and murdered already, and now the hit men are after Angela to stop her from getting the audio to the FBI.
Life and death situations: The woman Angela overheard has been killed. The Kimi device is listening and observing her every move. The hit men who killed the first woman are now after Angela, chasing her through the corporate office, grabbing her into a van on the street during a protest rally. They stab the neighbor who offers help, torture her in her apartment, and pursue her once she escapes to the upstairs apartment.
This movie is thrilling because? The tension builds over whether or not Angela will be able to get the data to the FBI. The hit men are dangerous and relentless. Angela’s paranoia becomes actualized when she is actually chased. The final act is a life-or-death cat-and-mouse chase throughout her apartment, resulting in Angela alive and three hit men dead.
Big Mystery: What happened to the woman on the audio recording? Who killed her and why?
Big Intrigue: The CEO of KIMI is trying to cover up that he raped a woman by hiring Antonio and his men to kill her, but now the audio and video of the crime is in Angela’s hands, so he has to dispatch Antonio to kill her and anyone else she might try to tell.
Big Suspense: The CEO owns the company and all its upper-level employees answer to him – all of whom are ordered to silence Angela. Antonio and his men are trying to kill her and are using her phone and KIMI device to track her every move.
4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?
This was a great low-budget, largely contained thriller. The depth of character and rising suspense were very impressive on such a small budget and scale, which is the kind of project I’m interested in writing during this class.
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Hi everyone! My name is Eric Humble. I’ve written about six scripts or so, with a few half-completed ones in there. I’ve been taking ScreenwritingU classes for about 10 years and have upped my writing game after each one, so I’m super excited for this class. My main goals in this course are to learn how to structure and outline thrillers better and to be able to outline faster. As a stay-at-home dad to two kids (with a third on the way), my writing time has been vastly reduced, and I find myself getting frustrated as I try to plot out scripts using the techniques I’ve been using for years which used to take a few weeks and now drag on for months and months simply because I can’t devote more than a half hour a day or so to writing. As a thriller writer, I’ve also been frustrated a lot in the past by the complexity of thrillers — it usually takes me an extended time to work out the plots, in general, so I’m excited to get some new tools and techniques under my belt to arrive at my destination faster and more directly without some of the false starts I usually encounter. I’m also an aspiring artist, working on my first graphic novel at the moment.
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Eric Humble
I agree to the terms of this release.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Eric Humble’s Monster Reveal Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: that I can create more terror and suspense by parceling out the information regarding the monster’s nature so that each attack reveals more information. In past horror scripts, I often made the mistake of providing all the information about the monster up front, thinking that was the “hook” and thus should be delivered as early as possible in the screenplay. But I would then proceed to get lost in a series of repetitive monster scenes with the characters figuring out things we already knew as the audience and the second act would be weighed down by all the information. This lesson has really given me a great tool to make the horror scenes have relevance to the story as well as impact and helped me flesh out the structure.
1. MONSTER:
Who or what is the monster?
The Wino, an undying man who needs drugs and alcohol to survive, but can’t consume them unless they’ve already been consumed inside living people.
What are its powers?
Invisible to others unless they are intoxicated.
Super-strong.
Uses a broken bottle to carve out the body parts it needs to consume.
What are its limitations?
It’s lumbering, not fast.
It’s constantly detoxing – sick, weak, in pain, decrepit. Only achieves its strength once it consumes drugs or alcohol.
What are its weaknesses?
It is jonesing for a fix, constantly in a state of detox soon after it consumes drugs or alcohol.
It can be distracted by using its desperation against it.
What is its Plan/Purpose/Appetite?
It needs to consume alcohol or drugs through people to feed its endless addiction.
2. SEQUENCE/DEMANDS:
Create an order that the information will be delivered to the audience.
Start at the beginning with us knowing nothing about the monster and end with us knowing enough to stop or destroy the monster. There will be some clues that obviously go in front of others. But some clues could actually be anywhere in the script.
Just pick some kind of order and list them. You can change the order at any time.
Terror: Opening sequence/Prologue – we don’t see it, but we do see that it uses a broken bottle to carve out the preppie kid’s jugular so it can slurp up his blood.
Foreshadowing: When they’re deciding whether or not go up, Veronica sees The Wino and is creeped out. But Mackenzie brushes it aside; she doesn’t see anyone.
Discovery: They discover the party girl dead, her spine ripped open. She has a glass pipe in hand, charred from recent use – she smoked meth. And there are glass bottle fragments around the wound. Monster Reveal: Someone did this with a bottle.
Conflict: They smell and sense its presence, then see The Wino coming for them. They bolt for it… and outrun it, shoving a massive piece of machinery in front of the door as a barricade. Monster Reveal: It’s lumbering, not fast.
Demand for Monster Reveal: Roach brings up that they just outran it. Why don’t we just run for this next elevator? More to the point, there are six of us and one of him. Bill focuses everyone—the first rule in war is to know your enemy. We don’t know who this guy is, or what he wants, but we do know what he’s capable of. We’re on his territory. What if he has the place booby-trapped? What if he has friends? We need to know more before we engage him.
Terror: Just as they’re coming up with a plan, the huge piece of equipment they barricaded the door with is moved away—fast– and Veronica is pulled away by The Wino, who stabs Veronica in the gut with bottle and drags her away. Monster Reveal: Super-strong.
Midpoint: Conflict: Bill is going to take him out with a makeshift knife from behind… but realizes he’s too drunk. He forces himself to vomit, sobers up… and can’t see it, even though the others can. Monster Reveal: Invisible to others unless they are intoxicated.
Curiosity: Rachel hides and watches as it stalks Mackenzie and Bremmer. Sees that it’s sickly. Constantly detoxing – sick, weak, in pain, decrepit. Only achieves its strength once it consumes drugs or alcohol.
Trying to Figure Out the Mystery: Rachel helps Mackenzie burn it… then sees that it’s sick, stumbling and shaking with DTs. Monster Reveal: It is jonesing for a fix, constantly in a state of detox soon after it consumes drugs or alcohol.
Trying to Figure Out the Mystery: Rachel finds a rat and injects heroin into it. The Wino chases it instead of them. Monster Reveal: It can be distracted by using its desperation against it.
Putting Together the Pieces: Rachel pieces together that it consumes the drugs and alcohol – took meth from the spine of the party girl, ate cocaine out of Roach’s brain, but didn’t eat anything off Bill, just killed him in a rage because he wasn’t drunk… and got the cold medicine out of Veronica’s gut. Monster Reveal: It needs to consume alcohol or drugs through people to feed its endless addiction.
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Eric Humble’s Character Death Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: that individual deaths can be mapped out in a nonlinear way. Working on just the deaths this way has given me some huge breakthroughs in terms of the monster’s rules, which I felt were a little weak in the first pass at them. It also has given me some solid terrifying moments and deaths that resonate with the theme, which I suspect will help me in the character journey pass when we get there. I’m loving how this outline is shaping up!
A. SURVIVOR:
The survivor is the one we live through all the way to the traumatic ending. They are often the unlikely winner of this morbid gameshow. The survivor will often fit the theme of your movie.
Who will make it through the Horror Gauntlet? Rachel
Why do they deserve to live? She’s known the dangers of alcohol/drugs from the get-go.
How does their survival fit the theme of your movie? She rages just like her abusive father. She, in essence, becomes the man she’s feared even while not under the influence… and kills it.
B. Who dies first?
Character Death: Veronica – the one who is doing everything right.
Why? She’s doing everything right, so her death is shocking and starts the horror.
How? Surprised / blindsided: They’re just finally coming up with a plan when she is accosted by the Wino, which is invisible to the others, and is stabbed in the throat with the broken bottle… then dragged off with blood spurting out of her throat.
C. The Middle Deaths
Character Death: Bill
Why? Increases the horror—Bill is the leader and a fighter, the only one who can get them through this.
How? Attempt something that fails – Bill can see The Wino and sneaks up on him with a makeshift knife, ready to kill him… but he vomits out the alcohol at the last second and, suddenly sober, can no longer see him. The Wino grabs him from behind, unseen to him but visible to the others, tears out his kidney and eats it.
Character Death: Roach
Why? Moral reason: Roach is a habitual drug user and sometimes dealer. He’s more out of control than he thinks.
How? Give up – Roach is hoarding a stash of coke, even after saying there isn’t any left. Noah wants some so he won’t have to drop acid, the only other alternative… but Roach’s addiction won’t let him. They fight and lose the coke through a crack in the floor. Roach lingers behind to try and get it, snorts what he can… and The Wino converges on him and breaks off his nose to get what’s inside… then cracks into his skull and sucks it out of his brain.
Character Death: Bremmer
Why? Bremmer violated a rule by luring everyone here and drugging them — he wants to gain The Wino’s power.
How? Betrayed – He’s making a deal with the Wino by offering him the others… but instead of rewarding him, The Wino ties him up and forces him to take all the drugs and alcohol, even after his body is rejecting it and shutting down… then eats him alive while he’s convulsing.
Character Death: Noah
Why? He made a bad decision in dropping acid. He regretted that he wasn’t one of the ones to take meth out of solidarity with Rachel.
How? Charge blindly into action. He sobers up from the acid for a moment as he’s lying on the floor below, his leg broken with an open fracture. He sees it and sees an opportunity to kill it — with a gun that he has to be steady enough to load… he can’t do it, but opts to take a bullet and a hammer — but it isn’t the Wino. It’s Veronica’s corpse. And The real Wino comes up behind him, sniffs him, and, enraged that he only brought it non-addictive LSD, kills him with the bottle.
Character Death: Mackenzie
Why? Character flaw: She never chooses the safe option. It’s wired into her to live on the edge.
How? Attempt something that fails: They have a choice – the safer route, above ground… but the drugs are starting to wear off and he’ll be invisible once they get up there. Or the tunnel, a straight shot to the next terminal and in the dark they’ll be as invisible to him as he is to them…. And while Rachel is deliberating, Mac takes off… only for Rachel to hear a muffled scream… because The Wino is already ahead of them in there and has just stabbed her through the gut with the bottle, slurps the cold medicine out of her stomach.
Character Death: Prologue guy
Why? Introduce the horror
How? Standard: The guy buys meth, then drinks as he waits for it to kick in… but The Wino catches up to him and slices his jugular, drinking the blood as it gushes out.
Character Death: Party Girl
Why? A reason for their isolation — the party broke up when it happened. And it gives our heroes a reason to suspect the danger they’re in.
How? Standard: Her spine has been ripped open. She has a glass pipe in hand, charred from recent use – she smoke meth. (Eventually Rachel puts together that meth travels to the central nervous system – it’s consuming the drugs secondhand.)
D. Apparent Death:
Bill – we think he’s dead at the midpoint, but he comes back in Act Three to help them finally escape.
How? Exactly as he was trying to before – he stabs it with the makeshift knife. Pulls it clear of Mac and Rachel. He’s dying, but they take him with them. On the street, he dies. They cradle him…. Then The Wino shows up and devours his corpse, allowing them a moment to run to the subway.
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Eric Humble’s Horror Situation Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: that approaching the plot from different tracks that align with the genre conventions very quickly results in a satisfying outline that is closer to what I’m going for than if I had approached it solely through the Mini Movie Method. While I love working with the Mini Movie Method, and am still using that as a solid framework here, I’ve often wandered away from genre conventions when I plot out a story solely from that and the Story Logic Web we learned in ProSeries and MSC. Working with the horror situations track, I was able to brainstorm over 50 horror situations I probably never would have “seen” through the lens of the Mini Movie Method character arc-driven process. Then adding the reactions really fleshed out those situations and elevated them from simply “Challenging Situations” to true “Horror Situations” that fulfill the needs of the genre. I feel like in the past I’ve spent a lot of time and drafts exploring the story via these other processes, which has resulted in wonderful writing experiences but often takes a long time to finally arrive at the place I had intended for the script – and with that, I’ve had a fair amount of frustration. This process is really getting me to where I want to go with my idea in all of five days so far – which, being a stay-at-home dad to two kids with a third on the way, is exactly what I need in a process, since my writing time has been drastically slashed at this point in my life. I’m excited to see what the next few tracks bring!
OUTLINE:
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
MM1:
Prologue: Atmosphere of Evil established:
Horror Situation: Subway platform, abandoned. Two or three members of a gang are hanging out. A preppy college kid staggers down in a panic and begs them to sell him drugs… he takes some pills but before they kick in, he smells something rank approaching… the gang can’t see what’s spooking him.
Reaction: He runs back up to the street, looks around, seeing nothing. Then the drugs kick in and The Wino is right behind him. He’s stabbed in the neck with a broken bottle, lays bleeding out as the obscured figure carves his eyes into X’s.
Connect with the characters:
At the college, Rachel is an introvert, studying and interning at the hospital – never drinks or does drugs. She’s hanging out in a bar, visibly uncomfortable, while her roommate Mackenzie and her boyfriend Bill are chatted up by Bremmer, an older, slick customer who is organizing a party in a few days somewhere across town.
Inciting Incident:
Horror Situation: A nasty smell comes over her at her table at the bar where she’s sipping seltzer water and an invitation suddenly flutters onto the table: “Party With Me.” It lists the address of Bremmer’s party, although Bremmer is long gone. It’s on stained, ragged, filthy paper.
Reaction: Her hard-partying, free-spirited roommate Mackenzie brushes it off, urges her to go as part of her “big city adventure,” along with Mackenzie and her military boyfriend Bill – a protector if ever there was one.
Roach overhears and invites himself even though he’s kind of creepy and not part of their circle of friends.
MM2:
The characters are warned not to do it:
Mackenzie pushes Veronica to go, but Veronica is sick with a cold and doesn’t want to — and urges them not to go, because it’s in a dodgy section of town where you can’t get a rideshare after midnight. Mackenzie brushes this off because there’s allegedly a subway stop nearby and finally convinces Rachel to go by ushering in her crush, Noah, for the evening.
Denial of Horror:
Their rideshare drops them at an abandoned industrial park, all shadows and crumbling, empty buildings. They realize the section of town they’re in is where a building spontaneously collapsed a few years ago. These buildings could come down at any time.
Horror Situation: A message is scrawled on the wall in feces: Party with Me. Veronica sees The Wino seated nearby, but the others don’t notice – even though they’re starting to get uneasy.
Reaction: Rachel finally calls it – let’s go. And Bill seconds it.
Reaction: Then Bremmer opens the door and they hear and see the epic bash going on up in the loft – seems super fun. One caveat: they have to lock up their phones. They’re not supposed to be here and there are some VIPs – they can’t allow anyone to post anything about the party.
Safety taken away:
They all drink, even Rachel, and black out… only to awaken alone. The party is long over, the place trashed, and it’s way past time to get a rideshare anywhere in this part of the city… if they could even get to their phones, but that room is locked.
Turning Point One: Monster: The nature of the beast.
Horror Situation: They discover the body of someone who fell – perhaps while drunk – from the loft to a lower floor. Probably the reason for the party breaking up… except his eyes have been cut out into X’s, shards of glass embedded in them from a broken bottle.
Reaction: Bill leads them away from the body – orders them not to touch anything. They’re getting straight out even if they have to walk the whole way across town, then they’re calling an anonymous tip in to cops as soon as they’re on safe ground.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
MM3:
Horror Situation: Veronica is on cold medication and has mostly abstained from drinking – but she’s the only one able to see The Wino at the bottom of the elevator in the creepy mask… and she saw him when they went in.
Reaction: The others don’t see anything and just want to get out – but Veronica is on the verge of hysteria… and The Wino is now gone. Maybe lurking in the shadows, waiting. Bill believes her – as does Rachel. After all, something carved that guy’s eyes out. They’re not going to take the elevator in case he’s still down there.
Horror Situation: They look for a staircase down, but get disoriented. Lit up Exit sign. They run to it, only to find it’s not even at a door – it’s just mounted there on the wall. And the door they entered through is now closed and locked from the outside.
Reaction: Bill rallies them to stay calm and stick together. Arm themselves with anything that could be used as a weapon.
They discover Bremmer hiding in there as well. He’s as disoriented as them… but knows the lay of the building better. There’s another freight elevator somewhere on the other side of the building, if they can orient themselves…
TWIST: One of us killed:
Horror Situation: The Wino grabs Veronica from behind while invisible to the others and slashes her up with a broken bottle from his paper bag, drags her off still alive and screaming, blood spurting from her throat.
Reaction: They scatter and hide. Better to live and rescue Veronica once they regroup with a plan than try to take on whatever the hell this guy is.
MM4:
Horror Situation: A phobia – Roach is terrified of heights and the only way to the other freight elevator is across the factory floor by way of a catwalk. He’s frozen, can’t and won’t try it. He opts to stay behind while they check it out – and sees The Wino closing in on the others from this vantage, but can’t call out to them.
Reaction: Roach tries to draw The Wino away from them, but gets turned around as he retreats.
Horror Situation: The Wino stabs Roach’s chest – and the shards are still embedded in the skin and have to be removed before they pierce something vital… just as they locate the second elevator straight to the exit below.
Reaction: Rachel medicates Roach and performs impromptu surgery… as Roach is seeing the Wino sabotage the second elevator in his opioid stupor, and can’t warn them before he falls unconscious.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought! – In order to evade The Wino, they need to see The Wino… so they have to get drunk or high, which makes them the perfect prey. (Possible reveal method: They all see it closing in on Bill but Bill isn’t drunk, so he doesn’t see it – and that’s when they realize.)
Horror Situation:The Wino strangles Bill, crushes his windpipe – has the strength of ten men. They each watch it and are unable to stop it without exposing themselves… they’ve just lost their leader and the toughest among them.
Reaction: They stay quiet, hidden, as Rachel presses on repairing Roach’s leg… and takes a swig from a bottle they’re now passing around.
MM5:
They have no choice but to cross the factory floor, a strategically foolhardy plan.
Horror Situation: The Wino ties Bremmer to a machine’s conveyor and activates a rotary saw. Gives him a broom whose handle is long enough to reach the control button – if he can keep a clear enough head to push it.
Reaction: He sees some oil dripping nearby, maneuvers enough to sip it – it causes him to vomit the alcohol in his sytem… Clear-headed, he’s able to hit the button, stopping the saw.
Horror Situation: The Wino is looking for them among the machinery, and has zeroed in on two pieces of equipment, one of which Mackenzie is behind… So he pees into them, forcing her to show herself.
Reaction: She comes out swinging with a cigarette lighter and an aerosol can, burning him in the face.
Horror Situation: Rachel sees both these scenarios happening and can only save one – who?
Reaction: She slides Mackenzie an aerosol can of flammable paint and continues on to release Bremmer.
TWIST: Horror Situation: They’re out of alcohol. Roach and Bremmer both reveal they’ve brought along hard drugs: cocaine, acid, meth, heroin. Rachel refuses to do hard drugs.
Reaction: Noah seconds Rachel’s decision even as Bremmer, Mackenzie, and Roach take a hit of meth. But Noah drops acid out of sight of Rachel.
MM6:
Horror Situation: Treacherous landscape – as the acid kicks in, Noah hallucinates the others transforming into hideous wraiths.
Reaction: Noah turns on them, fighting… and steps wrong, causing the floor to collapse.
Horror Situation: Rachel goes back to help Noah. They’ve landed in The Wino’s lair. Victorian-age artifacts, portraits with the eyes slashed out and defaced to show drunkenness and lewdness, an altar with a pentagram and devilish statues… and Veronica’s body, which the Wino has mutilated by carving her eyes into X’s.
Reaction: Denial – Rachel won’t accept it, paces around, hysterical, acting like this is all going to be a nightmare she’ll wake up from… and then she sees…
Up at the End of Act Two:
Want Looking Good: There’s a way out from here – a staircase that leads to an open door, light streaming in.
Need Looking Good: Rachel doesn’t need to drink or do any drugs – she realizes Veronica could see The Wino because she was on cold medicine which doesn’t impair you to the extent the other substances do… and there’s plenty for all in Veronica’s pocket.
TURNING POINT TWO:
Horror Situation: Bremmer locks them in – and reveals that he hosted the party as a plan to meet The Wino. He’s known the legends and wants its power… and is offering the survivors as a bargaining chip.
Reaction: They try to bust out… but can’t.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Crisis: Horror Situation: There’s a rancid smell – The Wino is in here with them, but they can’t see it or pinpoint it… and they’re on its turf, a whole mazelike lair to navigate to get to the stairs.
Reaction: Fight to the death:
There’s a room full of alcohol and drugs – and weapons. But Roach has to load a gun once his hands are too shaky or numb from the substances.
The thrilling escape from death:
Rachel takes Veronica’s cold medicine – and discovers it allows her to see The Wino without being overly impaired. She acts like she can’t see him and lures him into a rickety section of the building… then knocks the ceiling down on him and stabs him with his own bottle. It seems to kill him. They run out into the fresh air. But…
Hysteria:
Horror Situation: They reach the subway platform and it’s empty and crumbling, abandoned… and The Wino, still alive, chases them down onto the tracks.
Reaction: They run into the tunnel, where it’s dark and they’re closed off.
Death returns to take one or more:
Out of alcohol and lighter drugs, Rachel has no choice but to inject heroin with the plan of Mackenzie using Narcan on her to sap it out of her body as soon as she can escape. But The Wino kills Mackenzie and forces Rachel to walk the outside rim of the track – just inches away from the third rail, if she can manage to walk that straight.
The thrilling escape from death:
Rachel tricks him onto the third rail, zapping him, finally making it within sight of the next subway stop, which seems to be populated and operational.
Resolution: Rachel emerges at a subway platform, just getting populated for the morning rush. She finds a discarded whiskey bottle with some drink left in it. Gets on the subway with the bottle in a paper bag, swigs it as the train brings her back to the city. She’s wary of the winos and sketchy-looking people on the subway. Someone gives her a disapproving look, grumbles: “Lousy drunk, what a waste…”
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Eric Humble’s Horror Plot
What I learned doing this assignment is: that crafting a general plot outline is simpler, clearer, and more direct than I previously thought. I’m already getting a strong idea of how this story is going to be structured, even allowing for the next four passes to flesh it out more. While the outline processes in the Mini Movie Method class, the Story Logic Web we learned in Pro Series, and the amalgam of both we learned in MSC have allowed me a wealth of brainstorming in the past, I always find that my outlines and plots suffer from too many scenes, too unwieldy a set of ideas, especially in the horror scripts I’ve written, which are all over-plotted. These basic beats are more focused on the genre and helped me to not wander away from the elements that will be essential to create a good genre piece. It also was very quick and easy, preventing me from “over-thinking” the structure, which is another problem I tend to have with each script. I’m loving this class so far and can’t wait to see what the next passes will bring to the outline!
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Subway platform, abandoned. Two or three members of a gang are hanging out. A preppy college kid staggers down in a panic and begs them to sell him drugs… but before he gets them, he’s stabbed in the neck by something invisible… and his eyes are carved into X’s.
Connect with the characters:
At the college, Rachel is an introvert, studying and interning at the hospital – never drinks or does drugs. But her hard-partying, free-spirited roommate Mackenzie urges her to come to a party she heard about across town in an old industrial district with her military boyfriend Bill.
Roach overhears and invites himself even though he’s kind of creepy and not part of their circle of friends.
The characters are warned not to do it:
Mackenzie pushes Veronica to go, but Veronica is sick with a cold and doesn’t want to — and urges them not to go, because it’s in a dodgy section of town where you can’t get a rideshare after midnight. Mackenzie brushes this off because there’s allegedly a subway stop nearby and finally convinces Rachel to go by ushering in her crush, Noah, for the evening.
Denial of Horror:
Their rideshare drops them at an abandoned industrial park, all shadows and crumbling, empty buildings. They want to turn back, when Bremmer opens the door and they hear and see the epic bash going on up in the penthouse – seems super fun.
Safety taken away:
They all drink, even Rachel, and black out… only to awaken alone. The party is long over, the place trashed, and it’s way past time to get a rideshare anywhere in this part of the city.
Monster: The nature of the beast.
Veronica is the only one who can see The Wino downstairs with the creepy canvas “drunk face” mask… and they discover a body of someone who fell – perhaps while drunk – from the loft to a lower floor. Probably the reason for the party breaking up.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted
The Wino is at the base of the elevator, and they don’t know the building – so they have to find another way out to avoid him.
But after getting lost, he’s no longer there – he’s stalking them throughout the building.
One of us killed
Veronica is crushed to death by the wino’s bare hands while he is invisible, then
her eyes are carved into X’s.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought! – In order to evade The Wino, they need to see The Wino… so they have to get drunk or high, which makes them the perfect prey.
Full pursuit by the killer:
The Wino chases them, isolates each one of them –
Terrorized:
– and forces them to undergo a series of tribulations in which their altered state
severely handicaps them. If they survive, he’ll let them go. If they don’t try or sober up, he’ll kill them.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
Rachel and the remaining survivors get to the ground floor, battling The Wino all the way.
The thrilling escape from death:
Rachel takes Veronica’s cold medicine – and discovers it allows her to see The Wino without being overly impaired. She sets a trap for The Wino that seems to kill him and they run out into the fresh air. But…
Hysteria
They reach the subway platform and it’s empty and crumbling, perhaps
abandoned… and The Wino, still alive, chases them down onto the tracks and
into the tunnel.
The thrilling escape from death:
Rachel tricks him and she and Mackenzie make it within sight of the next subway
stop, which seems to be populated and operational.
Death returns to take one or more:
Out of alcohol and lighter drugs, Rachel has no choice but to inject heroin with
the plan of Mackenzie using Narcan on her to sap it out of her body as soon as
she can escape. But The Wino kills Mackenzie and forces Rachel to walk the
outside rim of the track – just inches away from the third rail, if she can manage
to walk that straight.
Resolution: Rachel emerges at a subway platform, just getting populated for the morning rush. She finds a discarded whiskey bottle with some drink left in it. Gets on the subway with the bottle in a paper bag, swigs it as the train brings her back to the city. Someone grumbles: “Lousy drunk, what a waste…”
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Eric Humble’s Characters for Horror
What I learned doing this assignment is: that just because you’re adding a list of accepted roles for the cast doesn’t mean they have to be stock characters. This is something I’ve struggled with regarding my horror scripts in the past. I often go into it feeling like I don’t just want two dimension, cliched characters but I end up with a script that doesn’t contain the genre conventions. I’ve had a breakthrough with this lesson that while the roles themselves may be typical, what they do is serve to ensure the genre conventions are met – and I still have the freedom to flesh these characters out with depth and complexity that will make them original and fresh in the script.
Concept: After blacking out at a party, a college student and her friends are stalked on the subway in the predawn hours by a masked man who is only visible when they’re drunk or high.
Group: Social group – classmates and close friends
2. Tell us the Dying Pattern of this movie.
Put 6 to 8 characters together and kill them off one by one.
3. Give us an Identity and a sentence for each character that makes up your group.
Innocent – Introvert / Loner: Rachel is an Amish student who comes from a closed-off, ultraconservative religious society. She’s using her one year away from the community to experience the city and work on a nursing degree… and she’s deathly afraid of alcohol or drugs, not so much because of her religious beliefs but because her father was a raging alcoholic and she doesn’t want that to be her fate as well.
The Carrier – Rebel / Rule Breaker: The one who brings the horror to the group – Mackenzie, Rachel’s free-spirited, hard-partying roommate who insisted everyone go to the party across town in the Industrial District. Likes to take risks and live dangerously.
Red Herring: Bremmer – an older man, not one of the friends, who was at the party and tried to assault Rachel. He’s still around and still dangerous.
Love Interest or lovers: Noah – a med student Rachel has a crush on.
Leader: Bill, Mackenzie’s boyfriend. Tough, military experience.
Out of control / Obnoxious: Roach, slacker student, wealthy background – who, unbeknownst to the others, has brought hard drugs with him and knows how to obtain more from a drug dealer in the area.
Complainer: Veronica, sick with a cold (and brought medicine which will eventually aid them), never wanted to go out tonight to begin with.
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Eric Humble’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned doing this assignment is: how to better craft a monster. This is something I’ve struggled with for the three horror scripts I’ve written. I tend to write the villain as a thriller villain who has rational motivation, gets rattled, and isn’t cruel enough or terrifying enough in appearance. Oddly enough, the “rules” that are common to all monsters was a huge breakthrough to me, even though looking at it now seems obvious. I was more easily able to brainstorm specific rules for my monster after thinking through how these more general rules would govern the monster’s actions. I also really enjoyed brainstorming the various elements of the monster’s terror – it has given me a much sharper focus on the monster. I’ve never liked horror movies much simply because they scare me to my core – but I’m really starting to enjoy crafting one of my own and I’m excited for each of the next steps in developing the outline!
1. Tell us what or who your monster is.
The Wino – a ragged, emaciated wino wearing a canvas mask with a hand-drawn “cheerful drunk” face – two X’s for eyes, a silly grin with a tongue sticking out.
2. Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:
Their Terror:
Terrorizes: The Wino is invisible to people who are sober. Accosts sober people and squeezes the life out of them while invisible. They never know if he’s following them, or if he’s right in front of them – unless they alter their states with alcohol or drugs.
Pursues: Follows/stalks while invisible, teasing/tormenting/hurting them to spur them on.
Isolates: Waits until they’re alone after the party to first appear. Follows them out the empty building and down the freight elevator, then down the empty street, and finally into the empty subway platform and tunnel.
Terrible Thing He Does: Crushes them with brute force, slashes them with a broken bottle he keeps inside a ratty paper bag, and, when he’s forced them to get drunk or high, puts them in situations where they need to be sober to survive
How Does It Cause Death: Lures them into traps/situations where being drunk or high will get them killed; crushes and slashes them while he’s invisible
Their Mystery:
How can we survive without getting drunk or high?
Their Fear Provoking Appearance:
A ragged, emaciated wino wearing a canvas mask with a hand-drawn “cheerful drunk” face – two X’s for eyes, a silly grin with a tongue sticking out.
Their Rules:
Doesn’t make a sound
Wants you to “drink up” – and will kill you unless you “party with it,” at which point it will ensure you kill yourself by placing you in a situation where you can’t survive in the state you’re in
Their Mythology:
Was once a young party animal – centuries ago – who at a debauched party summoned a demon, which he held in captivity and ordered to let him always stay young and always have young people to party with. He wanted a party that would never end. In exchange, he’d release the demon. The demon granted his wish – turning him into the wasted physical form of a chronic drunk with a compulsion to make young people party with him by forcing them to drink or get wasted on drugs… then turn that against them so they’d die.
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Eric Humble Day 1 Assignment
MOVIE ANALYSIS: CREEP
Conventions.
Title / Concept: CREEP
Terrorize The Characters: Josef is constantly hiding from Aaron and jumping out at him as a “joke.” He’s constantly putting Aaron into awkward situations like getting into a bathtub as part of the series of interviews he’s allegedly giving. He lies, changes his story, and allows Aaron to piece together that he’s lying bit by bit. He escalates things with increasingly disturbing admissions of his actions, including a strange rape-fantasy confession involving himself wearing a wolf mask sneaking in on the wife Aaron then discovers he doesn’t have. Finally, he attacks Aaron while wearing the wolf mask. When Aaron escapes, he proceeds to stalk Aaron in and around Aaron’s own home and sends him disturbing videos of himself digging a grave. He sends Aaron disturbing presents like a stuffed wolf with a locket inside. Finally, he appeals to Aaron’s good nature to meet him in a public park, where he shows up in the wolf mask and murders Aaron with an axe from behind.
Isolation: Aaron is far from home and even from the town at a remote house at the top of the mountain. There’s nothing surrounding them but woods.
Death: The threat of death and harm is woven throughout – Josef keeps jump-scaring Aaron as a joke, usually just as Aaron starts realizing how alone and isolated he is with Josef. He gets Aaron lost in the woods. He gets Aaron drunk while only pretending to drink himself. He terrorizes him while wearing a wolf mask and assaults him. He then stalks Aaron with videos of himself digging a grave of what appears to be a dismembered person in garbage bags. He stalks him in and around his house. Finally, he lures Aaron to a public park where the threat of death becomes reality – he sneaks up behind him wearing the wolf mask and splits Aaron’s head open with an axe.
Monster/Villain: Josef. He starts out seeming like a man who has limited time to live, but his cheerful demeanor, oversharing, and habit of jump-scaring Aaron raise red flags instantly. His story keeps changing, and his admissions of sneaking photos of Aaron from a distance just before they first met and his confession of raping his wife in a sex-fantasy while wearing the wolf mask hint that he’s more disturbed than he seems. He steals Aaron’s keys and tries to get him drunk to keep him in the house after it gets dark, then Aaron discovers Josef doesn’t have a wife when Josef’s sister calls and warns Aaron to get out of the house. Josef then stalks Aaron in and around Aaron’s own house, revealing that Josef is, in fact, disturbed and has an unhealthy attachment to Aaron. He uses guilt and Aaron’s empathy to lure Aaron to a park where he murders him with an axe in a public place as opposed to the isolation of the cabin where the initial danger seemed to be. Finally, Josef watches the video and it is revealed that he has done this to many videographers when he places the DVD on a shelf of numerous other labeled videos and DVDs.
High Tension: Josef’s strangeness begins early but seems a bit innocent given his tragic situation, but it starts getting more dangerous as he leads Aaron into the woods and gets them lost. Then his story starts changing in the diner and he reveals that he was photographing Aaron even before they first met. Then Josef baits Aaron with a drink, which Josef only pretends to partake in, after which he steals Aaron’s keys, trapping him in the cabin in the dark with him. When Aaron discovers he’s a disturbed man, not the cancer patient Josef has been claiming, Josef terrorizes Aaron while wearing the creepy wolf mask – and assaults him. After letting Aaron go, Josef reveals he knows Aaron’s address when he stalks him in and around his house and sends him vaguely threatening videos of himself digging a grave and professing his affection for Aaron. Finally, he lures him to a park and murders him in broad daylight in a public place.
Departure from Reality: Aaron has taken a job that takes him to a new environment far from his home and the town. He’s in unfamiliar territory in Josef’s house and the surrounding woods.
Moral Statement: Don’t trust strangers.
3. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film?
I am not personally a fan of horror movies. I tend to find them too scary and don’t enjoy the disturbing nature of them – but I’ve long been fascinated with trying to write one and I’ve tried on several occasions. This is the kind of movie I want to write in that it’s intensely scary while essentially not being violent. The only violent thing that happens is when Josef murders Aaron at the end – and even this is shot from a distance with no blood or gore evident, and is a very brief moment. It’s a great horror film in that it can scare you without a huge body count and without becoming so unpleasant as to be unenjoyable. All you get out of it is the thrills, not a lingering sense of disturbance. I enjoyed it much more than I have other, more extreme horror movies.
4. With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.
My Concept: After blacking out at a party, a woman and her friends are stalked on the subway in the predawn hours by a masked man who is only visible when they’re drunk or high.
Terrorize The Characters: They have to be drunk or high to see and evade him, but they have to be sober to survive him. His methods of killing involve lack of lucidity or coordination.
Have to see which track to go when a train is coming
Have to see which is the third rail
Balancing over something dangerous
Have to tell reality from illusion – because if you pick the wrong one, you’re dead – which gun – or axe – to avoid
Have to say the alphabet backwards, or recite a poem correctly, and you’ll survive
Isolation: Empty streets in a derelict factory district where the party was held, empty or mostly empty subway platforms, subway cars, and rat-infested tunnels
Death: The killer drives them into dangerous situations – breaking into a liquor store to get alcohol, buying drugs from shady characters, walking the dark tunnel and avoiding the third rail, getting the cops called on them, falling out of the train… and at each, the killer is more dangerous than the environment… and will kill them when they can’t see him, necessitating getting more drugs/alcohol
Monster/Villain: A supernatural killer whose attacks take on the characteristics of whatever substance you’ve taken to be able to see him – jacked-up frenzy when on cocaine, dreamy and inexorable when drunk, bizarre and distorted on acid, seemingly friendly and unthreatening when on marijuana, etc.
High Tension: They’re desperate to get home and sober up, but they’re forced to get more and more high to be able to evade him, and with each substance they take, they have a more difficult time getting out of the subway.
Departure from Reality: The friends are far from home, in an unfamiliar section of the city and at the end of the subway rail line, depopulated in the predawn, and having to indulge in substances far from their previous experience
Moral Statement: Substance abuse is dangerous, even when just experimenting.
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Eric Humble
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi everyone. My name is Eric. I’m excited to be a part of this class. I’ve written six screenplays, three of which I’ve marketed through the MSC and the Fearlessness As a Writer program with ScreenwritingU. I’m mostly a thriller writer but every now and then I try my hand at horror, even though I’m not a huge fan of the genre (an active imagination means I usually get too freaked out by horror movies). So I’m hoping to really get a handle on the genre from this class and to have some sort of model to be able to outline more quickly and ensure I meet the genre requirements. As well as being a screenwriter, I’m a stay-at-home dad of two boys (with a third on the way) and I’m an artist trying to break into the graphic arts/comic field.