Erica Miner
Forum Replies Created
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Assignment: Day 17
Subject: Erica’s Description
What I learned doing this assignment is…in whatever I write, I always try to keep in mind Strunk & White’s exhortation that my high school English teacher drummed into us: ‘Omit Needless Words.’ This is very hard to do. But especially important in Screenwriting. What I’ve learned is: you can ALWAYS trim something down. Which brings to mind one of the first pieces of advice I received as a screenwriter: ‘CUT, CUT. Your reader has a life!’ I’m always striving to do this. Never easy. But all in all, I deleted several hundred words. I’m sure more can be done.
For feedback:
I think I was able to get all my lines of description into pretty good shape. What I need is an opinion on whether the new opening with Flashback works as it’s positioned, or whether I should go back to the original order of scenes as they were first written. If you need me to re-post those, let me know.
<font face=”inherit”>Meanwhile, I’m really looking forward to exchanging scripts!
Erica
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Erica Miner. Reason: strange characters appeared in text
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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I like that you kept with your original scene, and the improvements you made. The background is super important in this story, and the events are sufficiently complex to need to be set up carefully. The opening dialogue between Jay and Holly works much better in the After version, much more punchy. Go straight to Holly confronting Jay with his need to take action. Gives us a sense of his ambivalence about himself as contrasted with his putting everything aside to take care of another person who is important to him.
Little details–the scarred hand, the bulge in the pocket, all add to the suspense and our worry about the characters. Also, the contrast between the evil antagonist and the other characters make Blake that much more reprehensible.
Good job!
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Subject: Erica Miner’s Amazing Opening Scene!
What I learned doing this assignment is…I could tweak and improve my Opening Scene indefinitely, but at some point I had to take a leap of faith and choose one. I still feel ambivalent about my choice, so I will definitely need some feedback from my critique partner!
Brainstorm at least three other opening scenes for your script. Give us a one paragraph synopsis of each:
1. Plunge us deep into a unique world
The world of the most famous opera house on the planet is in itself unique. I start by showing this world, introducing it from the perspective of the protagonist, a neophyte violinist. but I enhance it with more protagonist action and dialogue that flies in the face of the “business as usual” of this unique world.
2. The unique character
I introduce the protagonist, Julia, in the world just outside of the famous opera house, through her wide-eyed ingenuousness, stubbornness, quick temper, and her deep caring about people.
3. The Shocking Opening
Instead of starting with the setup of the world of the opera house, or introducing this unique character, I start right off with the murder in the pit and the protagonist’s reaction to it.
I chose #3, The Shocking Opening
“Before” version:
INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE– OPENING NIGHT
A deafening buzz of excited whispers among well-heeled PATRONS.
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
MUSICIANS take their seats, start to tune. Among them is violinist JULIA KOGAN, 22, ingenuous and wide-eyed, with a body that doesn’t quit.
On her way into the pit, Julia stops at the conductor’s podium to straighten the baton and a musical score, “Don Carlo”. Then she makes her way to her seat, sits down, extracts her violin from the case and starts to tune.
MALE MUSICIANS check out Julia’s looks. FEMALE MUSICIANS notice this and eye Julia with resentment.
SIDNEY RICHTER, late 40s, wire-rimmed glasses, curly graying “wild man” hair, hurries in, parks himself next to Julia, watches her struggle to tune her creaky old violin pegs.
JULIA
Sidney! Help!
SIDNEY
Julia! When are you gonna get new pegs?
JULIA
When you stop nagging me about the old ones.Sidney grabs the violin, rotates the pegs with ease, hands it back.
JULIA
My hero.
SIDNEY
I’d settle for “Big Brother”.
Sidney plucks his own violin and bow from the case, clicks the bottom of his bow to the same spot on Julia’s bow. She responds, clicking her bow with his.
SIDNEY
Solidarity.JULIA
Solidarity.
The musicians all fall silent. Crystal chandeliers rise to the ceiling. A spotlight follows conductor ABEL TRUDEAU to the podium. Noticing his baton perfectly in place, Abel flashes a glance of appreciation at Julia. She beams back at him.
Abel raises his baton. Conducts with impassioned gestures. Julia plays with fervor to the max.
INT. ONSTAGE – THREE HOURS LATER
Don Carlo, Act 3. A desolate 16<sup>th</sup> century dungeon. Tenor GIUSEPPE and ROBERTO, a statuesque baritone, sing a soulful duet.
GIUSEPPE
Che di’?SUBTITLE: What are you saying?
ROBERTO
Per me giunto è il dì supremo…SUBTITLE: For me, the supreme hour has come…
GIUSEPPE
Che parli tu di morte?SUBTITLE: Why do you speak of death?
INT. PIT
A glint of metal coming from the Viewing Room catches Julia’s eye. She glances up toward it. A look of warning from Abel brings her attention back to the music.
INT. ONSTAGE
In the b.g., an ASSASSIN CHARACTER in the uniform of the Spanish Inquisition steals in noiselessly. Unseen by the two singers, he poses an Arquebus (Medieval rifle) on his shoulder.
ROBERTO
…Ed io morir per te.SUBTITLE: …And I to die for you.
The Assassin Character points the rifle at Roberto. A loud GUNSHOT shatters the air. Roberto falls to the floor. Giuseppe stares in horror.
An equally loud gunshot reverberates through the theatre. Abel’s arms drop, mid-phrase. He slumps over the podium, blood trickling down his neck.
The Concertmaster, the violinist positioned closest to Abel, gapes at him, puzzled. One by one, Musicians stop playing. Some stand up, confused.
INT. AUDIENCE
Stunned silence. PATRONS look around in bewilderment, whisper to each other.
INT. PIT
Thrusting her violin aside, Julia rushes to Abel, touches his shoulder.
JULIA
Abel — Abel?!Abel topples to the floor. Seeing the river of red gushing from his neck, Julia gasps and recoils.
JULIA
Oh my God, no!A FLUTIST screams. Panicked Musicians flee the pit.
Shaken, Julia kneels beside Abel, cradling him in her arms, her clothes spattered with his blood.
“After” version: I decided to rewrite the original using #3 of the 10 Types of Opening Scenes. My plan is, after this shocker, to cut to a Flashback to give background and details about the setting and its characters and what led up to this shocking event. My book of MURDER IN THE PIT starts with these details, introducing Julia, where she belongs in the setting, the major and minor characters she encounters before the inciting incident. Again, I could really use feedback on whether this “different” approach would work.
INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE – NIGHT
It’s opening night. A deafening buzz of excited whispers among well-heeled PATRONS fills the air.
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Pre-performance flurry of activity. MUSICIANS enter the pit, find their seats, tune their instruments. Among them is violinist JULIA KOGAN, 22. Wide-eyed, ingenuous, with a body that doesn’t quit.
Julia pauses at the conductor’s podium, straightens the baton and musical score, “Don Carlo”. She finds her seat, tunes her violin, practices a difficult passage. Executes it brilliantly. Other VIOLNISTS eye her with envy—especially the women.
Oblivious to the stares, Julia stops playing, struggles to turn her creaky old violin tuning pegs. SIDNEY RICHTER, late 40s, wire-rimmed glasses, curly graying “wild man” hair, rushes in, parks himself next to Julia.
JULIA
Sidney! Help!
SIDNEY
Julia! When are you gonna get new pegs?
JULIA
When you stop nagging me about the old ones.Sidney grabs the violin, turns the pegs with ease, hands it back.
JULIA
I don’t know what I’d do without you.
SIDNEY
You may have to, someday.
JULIA
Don’t be so gloom and doom, Sid.
SIDNEY
That’s what you love about me, kid.
The famous Met Opera Austrian Crystal chandeliers rise to the ceiling. A spotlight follows the maestro, ABEL TRUDEAU, as he steps onto the podium. Noticing his perfectly positioned baton and score, he flashes a smile at Julia. She smiles back.
Abel raises his arms, launches into the music with passion. The orchestra responds as one instrument.
INT. ONSTAGE – THREE HOURS LATER
A 16<sup>th</sup> century dungeon. Two singers, GIUSEPPE and ROBERTO, perform a soulful duet. In the b.g., an ASSASSIN CHARACTER in the uniform of the Spanish Inquisition steals in noiselessly. Unseen by the two singers, he poses an Arquebus (Medieval rifle) on his shoulder.
GIUSEPPE
Che parli tu di morte?SUBTITLE: Why do you speak of death?
ROBERTO
Per me giunto è il dì supremo…SUBTITLE: For me, the supreme hour has come…
INT. VIEWING ROOM
A glassed-in booth high up at the top of the theatre. The viewfinder of a RIFLE pokes through an opening in one window.
INT. PIT
A glint of metal coming from the Viewing Room catches Julia’s eye. She glances up toward it. A look of warning from Abel brings her attention back to the music.
INT. ONSTAGE
The Assassin Character points the rifle at Roberto. A loud GUNSHOT shatters the air.
INT. OPERA HOUSE
A SHOT reverberates through the theatre.
INT. ONSTAGE
Roberto falls to the floor. Giuseppe stares in horror.
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
The music swells dramatically.
INT. PIT
Abel’s arms drop, mid-phrase. He slumps over the podium, blood trickling down his neck. The Concertmaster, the violinist positioned closest to Abel, gapes at him.
One by one, Musicians stop playing. Some stand up and glance at each other, confused.
INT. AUDIENCE
Stunned silence. PATRONS look around in bewilderment, whispering to each other.
INT. PIT
Thrusting her violin aside, Julia rushes to Abel, stares at him in horror.
JULIA
Abel — Abel?!Abel topples to the floor. Seeing the river of red gushing from his neck, Julia gasps and recoils.
JULIA
Oh, no! No!A FLUTIST screams. Panicked Musicians flee the pit.
Shaken, Julia kneels beside Abel, cradling him in her arms, her clothes spattered with his blood.
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Hi Alan,
Much improved, but I would like to see at least one more character trait in Jay’s lines. Smartass for sure, but the idea of his thinking he’s funny I think would punch things up a bit, add some color. Thoughts?
Erica
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Subject: Erica’s Amazing 3rd Act
What I learned doing this assignment is…I thought long and hard about this ending and experimented endlessly with it, both in the screenplay and in the novel. It’s very tough for me to change anything about it, but as I scrutinized it further, I realized I could make it even more dramatic. Bottom line, there’s always room for improvement, even when I think it’s already as good as it gets.
Setup, MURDER IN THE PIT
Act 1 setup: Brilliant young violin prodigy Julia receives gifts in honor of her debut performance at the Metropolitan Opera from her beloved mentor Abel, a famous conductor: a song he has written for her and a jeweled violin pin. Then Abel is assassinated on the podium, and Julia is paralyzed with grief. But when Sidney, her “big brother” figure in the orchestra, is arrested for Abel’s murder, Julia is pushed into action. Having distrusted cops since a traumatic childhood event, Julia belittles the abilities of Larry, the NYPD on the case. She vows to investigate on her own, find the real killer, and exonerate Sidney.
Act 2 setup: Julia’s roommate Katie is worried when Julia reveals her plan to investigate the murder. Julia remains determined in her quest and looks for clues in Abel’s song. She’s puzzled as to why the second page is missing and wrong notes seem to be written into it. Convinced that Sidney was framed, Julia seeks help in searching for clues from Sidney’s friends Matt, the head stagehand. She becomes romantically involved with Charles, a charismatic tenor, who persuades Julia to let him borrow page one of the song to figure out the wrong notes. Julia also refuses to believe Larry’s contention that Sidney is guilty. But as Julia probes further, finds threatening notes on her music, and barely misses being crushed by falling scenery, she suspects she likely is in the sights of the killer. When she finds Matt’s bludgeoned body in the pit, Julia realizes she may be next.
Current Structural Beats of 3rd Act:
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she had left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer, but Larry cautions her to stay out of it.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She reluctantly believes him but is badly shaken.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. At the bar, Julia reveals her suspicion that Met general manager Patricia, who might have wanted Abel out of the way of her total control of the opera house, might be the murderer. Afterward, outside the bar, Julia and Katie are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone approaching from the other end of the street. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment, where he will assign a police guard at the door to protect her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As Julia tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, the jeweled violin pin slips off her blouse and falls to the floor, shattering into small pieces. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and sends Buddy with it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by a young camper named Carl Trudeau, brother of older camper Abel Trudeau. Suspected of possible foul play but still a juvenile, Carl was then sent out of the country for several years and has since returned.. Realizing Carl and Charles are the same person, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF [Ending/Climax]
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING [Resolution]
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
Improvement:
1. MEANINGLESS: To heighten the drama and deliver stronger meaning to Julia’s being abducted to the roof and the attempts by Frank and then Charles to push her over the side, [#9. EXT. ROOF] I actually went back to Act 1 and set up Julia’s fear of heights. Not only is she distraught at being betrayed by the man she thought loved her, but also is freaked out by his trying to bring her literally to the edge.
2. ON-THE-NOSE: This being a mystery/whodunit, an important element is to reveal who the murderer is and what his motivations were. This necessitated a certain amount of “Perry Mason” explanation, and I made the situation and setting very dramatic. But, acknowledging that my ending had “more than a few of those lines,” I tried to add subtext in addition to setting up the ending better (see “fear of heights,” above). I then punched up the Resolution to make it more compelling.
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Subject: Erica’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment is…
In the penultimate scene, our protagonist Julia and her FFB Katie bond in the women’s locker room before heading to the pit for their first, hopefully carefree, performance. Katie has a penchant for flitting from man to man, and Julia customarily upbraids her for it. In this case, Julia pushes the envelope with a surprise response. The meaning I want Julia’s line to deliver is that after her experiences dealing with evil and her close brush with death, she has learned to think out of her usual box.
BEFORE:
KATIE
You could do worse. I once had a fling with a cop.JULIA
You already told me. Very hot.AFTER:
KATIE
You could do worse. I once had a fling with a cop.JULIA
Really? Could you set me up?
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Subject title: Erica loves separating character dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is…If screenwriting entails action and reaction, then this exercise punches up just how much a line of dialogue grows organically from the line that precedes it. I’ve learned to punch up the dialogue by visualizing the way one character’s dialogue bounces off the other’s. (Just FYI, re Critique: I followed Hal’s directions to go through every line of the character’s dialogue, but it’s probably too long, so I’m happy with however much you can do. Thanks!)
——————Begin Character Profile————————–
Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Lead Female
Core Character Traits:
– Curious
– Stubborn
– Quick temper
– Cares deeply about people
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s quick temper and sense of fairness propel her into dangerous situations.
——————End Character Profile————————–
DIALOGUE CHANGES:
BEFORE: You’re much too kind, Abel.
AFTER: I’m not sure I can live up to your expectations, Abel.
BEFORE: I… I don’t know what to say.
AFTER: From your lips to God’s ears.
BEFORE: It’s… it’s beautiful. But I can’t accept —
AFTER: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful!
BEFORE: I’m honored. But I don’t deserve –
AFTER: I feel so honored. Even if I don’t deserve it.
BEFORE: “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” Abel, what do you mean?
AFTER: “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” Abel, you’re worrying me.
BEFORE: Thank you so much, Maestro.
AFTER: My humblest thanks, Maestro Trudeau.
BEFORE: Don’t touch me!
AFTER: Stay away from me!
BEFORE: I hate you!
AFTER: Tyrannical cop!
BEFORE: Who could have done this? Who?
AFTER: He was like a father to me. Now he’s gone.
BEFORE: That’s the cop who ordered that Officer to drag me away from Abel. Bastard.
AFTER: There’s that arrogant cop again. Those bastards are all the same.
BEFORE: It’s not just that, Sid. I’m worried that he’ll find out you left the pit just before Abel was…was…
AFTER: But what if he finds out you left the pit just before Abel was—
BEFORE: Of course not.
AFTER: You know me better than that. But I’m worried that–
BEFORE: He’s like a brother to me. That close. Close enough to know he couldn’t kill Abel.
AFTER: Close enough to know he didn’t kill Abel.
BEFORE: I heard you arguing with Abel.
AFTER: What was that argument with Abel about?
BEFORE: During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I saw something. Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!
AFTER: I saw something coming from the direction of the Viewing Room just before Abel was—
BEFORE: Well…I do feel tired.
AFTER: But I’m not tired!
BEFORE: No thanks, Sid. I’ll be okay.
AFTER: You don’t have to be such a mother hen.
BEFORE: That same dissonance. He can’t have meant it to sound like that. What was he thinking?
AFTER: It still sounds wrong. It’s not like Abel to make mistakes. What could he have meant by it?
BEFORE: Really? She fed me for twelve years at Abel’s behest.
AFTER: After feeding me for twelve years at Abel’s behest?
BEFORE: Could you do something for me, K?
AFTER: K…I need a favor.
BEFORE: Isn’t it beautiful? Abel gave it to me the night he died, for my…
AFTER: Have you ever seen anything so beautiful? Abel has exquisite taste. He gave it to me for my…
BEFORE: I know you do, Charles. And I appreciate it.
AFTER: That’s thoughtful of you. Thanks, Charles.
BEFORE: Sid? A murderer? Those cops don’t know anything! I hate them!
AFTER: Sid? A murderer? God, I hate cops.
BEFORE: They’re not going to get away with this. I’m going to find out who really killed Abel. The hell with cops.
AFTER: The hell with them. I’m going to find out who really killed Abel. On my own.
BEFORE: I don’t know yet. But I’m not going to stand by and let Sid be accused unjustly. I’ll prove them wrong!
AFTER: I don’t care how. I’ll prove Sid is being wrongly accused. That’s all that matters.
BEFORE: I don’t care! It’s Sid, Katie. Our Sid. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove he’s innocent.
AFTER: I don’t care how risky it is. Sid is too important to us to just stand by and do nothing. I’ll do whatever it takes.
BEFORE: Katie Ma! I’m surprised at you. Sid’s like a brother– to both of us. Don’t you care what happens to him?
AFTER: Sid’s like a brother– to both of us. I won’t trust his life to some arrogant NYPD cop. He believed in my talent just like Abel did. He fought for me to get this job.
BEFORE: Sid treated us both like royalty when we joined the orchestra, showed us how to practice all the most difficult violin passages. He’s always there for us, lets us cry on his shoulder when we’re having a crisis.
AFTER: Sid showed us all the ropes. Gave us a shoulder to cry on when the going got tough. Isn’t that worth something?
BEFORE: Doesn’t matter. I know Sid. So do you. Better than the cops ever can. I just need to think of some way to show them he’s innocent. And that means finding the real killer.
AFTER: We both know Sid better than any cop could. I’ll think of something. I’ll find Abel’s real killer. On Mozart’s glorious name, I swear it!
BEFORE: Abel’s song! He gave it to me as a clue, a warning. That’s how we’re going to get Sid out of this mess. And find out who really killed Abel.
AFTER: Wait a minute! Abel’s song—he said if anything happened to him, I’d find answers in there. That’s the key to clearing Sid’s name.
BEFORE: Abel said the song contained a warning that something might happen to him.
AFTER: Abel did it on purpose. It’s a clue.
BEFORE: There’s a clue in here somewhere, I just know it. And I’ll find it.
AFTER: I’m not going to stop until I find that clue, even if it takes all night.
BEFORE: It’ll turn up eventually. You help me figure out what I’m missing on the first one.
AFTER: First let’s figure out page one. We’ll deal with page two when it turns up.
BEFORE: I was up half the night trying to play it. It sounds all wrong.
AFTER: It sounds all wrong. I was up half the night trying to figure out why.
BEFORE: Seriously, Matt, he needs your help. I need your help.
AFTER: How can you joke at a time like this? Sid needs your help. Desperately.
BEFORE: I’m sorry to hear that. But I really need your help to find out who framed him.
AFTER: That’s a bummer. But you’re the only one who can help me find out who framed him.
BEFORE: It’s got to be soon. Another night in The Tombs and Sid may never recover.
AFTER: This can’t wait! Sid will never survive another night in The Tombs.
BEFORE: That damned cop who made the other cop drag me away from Abel.
AFTER: Same damned cop.
BEFORE: I don’t just think so. I know he is. Sid’s not capable of violence.
AFTER: Of course he is. He wouldn’t hurt a newborn chick, let alone shoot a rifle.
BEFORE: What? Why would Patricia want to see me?
AFTER: What could she possibly want from me?
BEFORE: I’m sorry, but the… the door was open, so I—
AFTER: The door was open. Or was I hallucinating?
BEFORE: People go backstage all the time. Who said I was interfering?
AFTER: People hang out backstage all the time. Why is it a problem if I do?
BEFORE: Don’t you know you can terminally scare someone like that?
AFTER: Are you intentionally trying to scare the crap out of me?
BEFORE: Okay, you win. It’s that cop again. He told me Sid is supplying drugs to company members.
AFTER: That self-righteous cop told me Sid is supplying drugs to company members!
BEFORE: Don’t worry about it, Charles.
AFTER: You don’t owe me anything, Charles.
BEFORE: Q at K2 — checkmate? That’s not how Abel left it. Who did this? The killer?
AFTER: Q at K2. Checkmate. I’m sure Abel didn’t leave it that way. But who did?
BEFORE: I can’t do it, K.
Play tonight. After everything that’s happened –
AFTER: I can’t do play tonight, K. Not after everything that’s happened.
BEFORE: I’m anything but okay, Charles. I’m too upset to perform tonight.
AFTER: Anything but, Charles.
BEFORE: Okay, Charles, you win, I’ll be there. But it would really help if you’d bring the first page of the song.
AFTER: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be there if you bring the first page of the song.
BEFORE: But I know Don Giovanni inside out and backwards.
AFTER: Don Giovanni? Only Mozart knows it better than I do.
BEFORE: No clue. He did seem friendlier than usual before the show, though.
AFTER: If he wants to make nice all of a sudden, he’s got another thing coming.
BEFORE: Every time I close my eyes, I see Matt, just lying there.
AFTER: I can’t close my eyes without seeing Matt. Lying there.
BEFORE: Sid! I’ve got to tell him. He’ll be so upset! Oh no, where’s my phone?
AFTER: Oh my God, Sid is going to be devastated! How am I going to tell him?
BEFORE: How is that possible? Those bastards!
AFTER: Bastards!
BEFORE: Don’t. Something terrible will happen to you if you try to get close to me.
AFTER: No! If you try to get close to me, something disastrous will happen to you.
BEFORE: If it’s about Sid’s arrest, I already know.
AFTER: I already know about Sid’s arrest.
BEFORE: How can you say that? I trust him, and he trusts me.
AFTER: He’s never taken advantage of me. You, on the other hand…
BEFORE: Nothing. I’ve tried playing it and it sounds all wrong. But I still haven’t figured out why.
AFTER: I’ve tried playing it and it sounds all wrong. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
BEFORE: (Are you sure you left it there?) Yes, I distinctly remember stuffing it in.
AFTER: I’m too young to have memory loss. Unlike you.
BEFORE: What if I help you find out who it is? The prime suspect?
AFTER: Then I’m the one who should help you find out who it was. The prime suspect.
BEFORE: But I’ve learned a lot about this opera house since I’ve been here, and the people in it. I can get them to talk to me in ways that you can’t.
AFTER: But I know more about this opera house and the people in it than you could ever know. I can talk to them on their level in ways that you can’t. No offense.
BEFORE: I just wanted to show how much I appreciate you.
AFTER: In case you had any doubts that I appreciate you.
BEFORE: Thank you, Detective.
AFTER: You’re not so bad after all, Detective.
BEFORE: She has access to our locker room, and every other corner of the opera house. Her megalomania is notorious, and Abel interfered with it. She might have wanted him out of the way so she could be the undisputed boss.
AFTER: She has access to every corner of the opera house. She’s a notorious megalomaniac. Maybe she wanted Abel out of the way so she could reign supreme.
BEFORE: I overslept. I need you to bring over Abel’s song asap. But just FYI, I… I’m not home, I… I spent the night at Larry’s.
AFTER: I overslept. Listen, I need you to bring Abel’s song to Larry’s apartment. I spent the night there.
BEFORE: He didn’t think it was safe for me at home after the incident last night…on 65th Street.
AFTER: I couldn’t exactly sleep at home after the incident on 65<sup>th</sup> Street last night.
BEFORE: How can you say that? It’s obviously a wrong note that Abel put in to bring attention to something important.
AFTER: But it’s so out of place. You must have heard it too. Abel planted it there for a reason.
BEFORE: Yes, I know. I’m an opera musician, remember? There’s hardly an opera that doesn’t have “Coraggio” in it.
AFTER: Duh. What opera musician doesn’t know “Coraggio”?
BEFORE: It’s the only one I’ve got left. If I don’t figure it out now, I never will.
AFTER: It’s the last one. And my last chance to get to the bottom of Abel’s message from beyond the grave.
BEFORE: It can’t be!
AFTER: No! It’s not possible!
BEFORE: Sneaking up on people is a very bad habit, Larry –
AFTER: When are you going to stop sneaking up on me, Larry?
BEFORE: “Business?” What do you mean?
AFTER: “Business?” What “Business?”
BEFORE: Charles, stop, this is insane!
AFTER: Charles, for Gods’ sake. Are you insane?
BEFORE: Enough already. You don’t have to keep saying that.
AFTER: Stop. You’re making me blush.
BEFORE: You already told me. Very hot.
AFTER: Yes, I know. Very hot.
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Subject: Erica Miner Dramatic Scene Transitions.
What I learned from doing this assignment is…There are multiple possibilities of transitions that can be used in the same scene. In fact, I wasn’t sure which of the approaches was the most relevant for this transition scene, so I listed three of them.
FLOW – VISUAL – REVEAL / SHOCK
BEFORE:
INT. OPERA HOUSE/ARTISTS ENTRANCE
Julia finally manages to dig up her ID, shows it to the Guard, who buzzes her in.
INT. FOYER OUTSIDE WINGS
Julia passes a door marked “To Stage”, heads down a stairway marked “To Orchestra Pit”.
INT. ORCHESTRA ‘PIT’ LEVEL/ MEN’S LOCKER ROOM ENTRANCE
A fluorescent-lit area one level below the stage. Cold, grey concrete floors, bare walls. Noisy, high energy.
AFTER:
INT. OPERA HOUSE/ARTISTS ENTRANCE
Julia frantically hunts the bottom of her bag for her ID. The Guard gives her an encouraging smile. Suddenly she cries out in pain. She’s found the ID, but the sharp edge cuts her finger. She pulls it out of her bag, blood on it and her finger. The Guard shakes his head, buzzes her in.
INT. FOYER OUTSIDE WINGS
Sucking on her bleeding finger, Julia passes a door marked “To Stage”, heads down a stairway marked “To Orchestra Pit”.
INT. ORCHESTRA ‘PIT’ LEVEL/ MEN’S LOCKER ROOM ENTRANCE
A fluorescent-lit area one level below the stage. Cold, grey concrete floors, bare walls. Noisy, high energy. MUSICIANS stare as Julia, clutching her ID in one hand, nursing her gushing finger, races in.
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Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is…This one was hard; each permutation of techniques peels off the layers of what needs to be done in my script and gives me more of a sense of how to make subtle but compelling changes.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>1. From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then do the rest of the items below in order.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
What am I trying to accomplish?
A. Sidney is not the idealized ‘brother’ Julia thought she had.
B. Increase the conflict between Sidney and Larry.
C. Present both Larry and Buddy and Sidney and Damon with a loaded situation.
3. Imagine the scene being played out through each of the 11 scene structures listed above…write out the three best ones
SUPERIOR POSITION
– At the beginning of the scene, we are clued into a key piece of information that the main character doesn’t know. We watch as they make mistakes or enter dangerous territories because they don’t know what we know.
Sidney and his fellow druggie Damon indulge in illegal drugs, not knowing they are about to be invaded by a SWAT team headed by detectives Larry and Buddy.
CRUCIBLE
– The characters are placed in a setting or situation where they can’t avoid facing each other and the conflict. Just by creating a crucible, you heighten the conflict and the need for your lead character to survive it.
Sidney and Damon are in a faceoff with Larry and Buddy. Sidney and Damon will have to confront and heap blame on each other and still have to cope with the ‘enemy’ at the gates.
COMPETITIVE AGENDAS
– The entire scene is designed to pit two characters against each other and have them play out their own agenda, either overtly or through subtext.
Larry and Sidney are naturally pitted against each other, but their personal agendas will heighten their conflict as well as Sidney’s conflict with Damon.
4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene.
ORIGINAL:
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, WEST 67<sup>TH</sup> STREET/HALLWAY
Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.
LARRY
NYPD. Open up.Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, scowls. Larry leans in closely.
SIDNEY
What’s this about?LARRY
We need to talk to you. Inside.SIDNEY
Now’s not a good time. Maybe later.LARRY
Nope. Maybe now is better.Larry shoves his way in. The others follow, guns drawn.
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
A cavernous one-room studio, high ceilings, loft bed. Damon, seated on a sofa, leans over a coffee table, sniffing a line of cocaine. He looks up in panic as Buddy approaches. Buddy does a double take.
BUDDY
A valet moonlighting as a drug dealer?He wrenches the speechless Damon to his feet and cuffs him. Larry and Cops search the room. Larry throws open a closet door, gestures to the others, who surround him, watching.
On the floor inside the closet is a gigantic carton. Larry opens it to reveal stashes of cocaine, weapons, boxes of ammo. Gestures to an OFFICER, who cuffs Sidney.
LARRY
You have the right to remain silent…Officers lead Sidney and Damon off.
Larry sifts to the bottom of the carton, pulls out a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He and Buddy stare at it, puzzled.
New scene structure: CRUCIBLE, COMPETITIVE AGENDAS
REWRITE THE SCENE:
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR
Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.
LARRY
NYPD. Open up.Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.
LARRY
We need to talk.Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved in what he’s doing to catch Sidney’s signals.
Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.
DAMON
What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?
SIDNEY
If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?
Larry drags Sidney to the table. Swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it.
LARRY
What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?
He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, slaps them on Sidney. Gestures to Buddy, who grabs Damon’s wrists.
BUDDY
This is how you train to be a valet?
Damon glowers. Buddy snaps cuffs on him. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.
OFFICER
Boss, get a load of this.
Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents, finds a packet at the bottom: handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.
LARRY
Are these between you two? Or someone else?
Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.
He and Buddy lead Sidney and Damon off.
REWRITE SCENE:
Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures [2]
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR
Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.
LARRY
NYPD. Open up.Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.
LARRY
We need to talk.Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.
Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.
DAMON
What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?
SIDNEY
If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?
Larry approaches the table, swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it. Turns to Sidney.
LARRY
What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?
Buddy watches closely as Damon, sweating nervously, clutches his back pocket. He reaches into Damon’s pocket, extracts a handgun, inspects it.
BUDDY
A 9 mm Luger? This is how you train to be a valet?
He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, snaps them on Damon’s wrists. Larry digs into Sidney’s pocket, finds the identical gun.
LARRY
Looks like you both were expecting company.
He cuffs Sidney. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.
OFFICER
Boss, get a load of this.
Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, more weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents. At the bottom he finds finds a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.
LARRY
Are these between you two? Or someone else?
Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.
He and Buddy drag Sidney and Damon to the door, kicking but not screaming.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Erica’s Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is…Meaningful Action is more subtle than it may seem at first. This took a lot of thought.
**INT. RESTAURANT/BAR
[Deepest meaning: Julia has multiple conflicting emotions. She is terrified that Sidney is in danger of becoming a murder suspect. Seeing the news of Abel’s murder on the TV screen makes it undeniably real to her. Then she feels tremendous guilt when she realizes the glint of metal she saw coming from high up in the Viewing Room may have been from the rile that killed Abel, even though there was nothing she could have done.]
ORIGINAL:
A Musicians’ hangout. Opera memorabilia on the walls, musical instruments hanging from the ceiling. A violin-shaped wall clock hanging next to a TV shows 2 a.m.
Julia and Sidney hunch over filled glasses. She fidgets with the zipper on her violin case, standing on its end next to her.
SIDNEY
Will you stop worrying, kid? I’m not a suspect.JULIA
But I heard you arguing with Abel.SIDNEY
What if I was? You of all people should know I would never hurt him. Jeez, kid, I thought we trusted each other.JULIA
Yes, we do, but I saw you argue —SIDNEY
So we argued. We have a history. But I couldn’t shoot a rifle if God handed it to me.TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Tragic opening night at the Metropolitan Opera…Julia’s distress escalates when she looks up at the TV and sees the Newscaster positioned in front of the Met.
JULIA
Oh, my God.TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Maestro Abel Trudeau, the Met’s esteemed Musical Director, was gunned down…Julia turns away from the TV. Suddenly her face pales.
SIDNEY
What is it, Julia?JULIA
When we were playing, I saw something! Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!SIDNEY
I don’t understand. What’re you talking about?JULIA
During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I looked up toward the Viewing Room and saw… I don’t know, a flash, like metal. Oh, God what if it was… a rifle!She breaks down, sobbing.
JULIA (CONT’D)
That must be why Abel gave me the song —SIDNEY
What song? Julia, you’re not making any sense.JULIA
He was so nervous. He told me if something ever happened to him —SIDNEY
He…what?<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGE:
A Musicians’ hangout. Opera memorabilia on the walls, musical instruments hanging from the ceiling. A violin-shaped wall clock hanging next to a TV shows 2 a.m.
Julia and Sidney hunch over filled glasses. She fidgets with the zipper on her violin case, standing on its end next to her.
SIDNEY
Will you stop worrying, kid?JULIA
I heard you arguing with Abel.SIDNEY
What if I was? It doesn’t make me a suspect. You of all people should know I would never hurt him.JULIA
That obnoxious cop doesn’t know that.
SIDNEY
Jeez, kid, I thought we trusted each other.
JULIA
Of course we do, but —SIDNEY
Abel and I argued. We have a history. But I couldn’t shoot a rifle if God handed it to me. Dammit, Julia!Sidney slams his fist on the bar. Julia jumps, startled. She slides off the bar stool, grabs her violin case and starts to walk away. Sidney gently grabs her arm.
SIDNEY
I’m sorry, kid. That was uncalled for.TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Tragic opening night at the Metropolitan Opera…Julia looks up at the TV, sees the Newscaster positioned in front of the Met. She sinks back onto the bar stool, distraught.
TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Maestro Abel Trudeau, the Met’s esteemed Musical Director, was gunned down…Suddenly Julia’s face pales.
JULIA
Oh, my God.SIDNEY
What is it, Julia?JULIA
During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I saw something. Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!SIDNEY
I don’t understand. What’re you talking about?JULIA
I looked up and saw…a flash, like metal. Oh, God what if it was…a rifle!She breaks down, sobbing.
JULIA (CONT’D)
That must be why Abel gave me the song before the performance —SIDNEY
What song? Julia, you’re not making any sense.JULIA
He was so nervous. He told me if something ever happened to him –SIDNEY
He…what? -
Day 9: Set Your Script Up for Success
ASSIGNMENT
Print out your Beat Sheet.Looking at your script, make a note of every scene
that needs to be rewritten to match the Beat Sheet.One at a time, rewrite those scenes to include the improvements
you’ve made with the characters and structure. Don’t worry about
making them perfect…for now.EXT. NEW YORK CITY/LINCOLN PLAZA – EVENING
A young woman’s face, alight with wonder.
JULIA KOGAN, early 20s, ingenuous, starry-eyed. She pivots around, stares wide-eyed at New York’s musical mecca, Lincoln Center, taking in every detail:
The signature FOUNTAIN shooting sparkling jets into the night air…
Three stately concert halls, anchored in the middle by the magnificent METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE, its monumental 40-foot Chagall murals gleaming through massive plate glass windows…
Crowds of PATRONS, elegant in their evening finery: tuxedos and designer gowns, jewels glittering.
Julia does a little dance of jubilation, holding tight to the violin case under her arm. Passersby stare. It doesn’t bother her in the least.
The violin case held tightly under her arm, labeled “Metropolitan Opera Orchestra Member,” belies her youthful appearance.
Julia zigzags through the Plaza, comes across a down-and-out STREET VIOLINIST, his violin case open but largely empty. Regarding him with sympathy, she unfastens her violin case, takes out her instrument and bow, plays exuberantly along with him.
Passersby stop, gawk, and listen. Bemused, impressed, astonished, they regale the players with bills. Smiling triumphantly, Julia scoops up the money, places it in the Street Violinist’s violin case, now overflowing. His eyes shine at her.
Julia carefully returns her instrument to the case, skips gleefully through the Plaza. More stares. She’s loving it.
At the opera house entrance, she to gaze at a 10-foot glass-enclosed POSTER: “METROPOLITAN OPERA OPENING NIGHT GALA PERFORMANCE. ‘DON CARLO‘ by GIUSEPPE VERDI, conducted by ABEL TRUDEAU — SOLD OUT.”
Her excitement bubbles over. She checks her reflection in the glass, impeccably smooths out her all-black concert attire.
JULIA
I can’t believe I’m here!It’s real after all. She hurries into the opera house.
INT. OPERA HOUSE/ARTISTS ENTRANCE
A bustling, windowless space. Switchboard, upholstered chairs scattered about, Security Station with waist-high barrier gate. MUSICIANS with instrument cases crowd the checkpoint, waiting impatiently to pass through.
Julia stands closest to the SECURITY GUARD, fishes in her purse for her photo ID, can’t find it. Other Musicians glare at her, annoyed.
SIDNEY RICHTER, late 40s, wire-rimmed glasses, curly graying “wild man” hair, pushes through the mob of Musicians to get to the checkpoint.
He rushes by Julia, jostling her roughly, not stopping to apologize. Practically makes her drops her violin case. She glowers at Sidney.
JULIA
Hey! Where are your manners?Sidney hurriedly waves his ID at the Security Guard, who buzzes Sidney in without checking. Julia gawks at Sidney, frowns at the Guard.
JULIA
How come Sidney gets in with a mere wave?Hearing her complaint, Sidney wheels around.
SIDNEY
I’m a veteran of this venerable establishment, Julia. You’re just a kid, a newbie. Give it a couple of decades.JULIA
Hey. I’m not a kid. And where’s my apology?He regards her with affection.
SIDNEY
I duly apologize. But to me you’ll always be a kid. It’s what I love about you.Her anger softens. They exchange fond looks, holding for a long beat.
SIDNEY
Haven’t had a chance to tell you yet, kid, but you’re the best thing that’s happened to this orchestra in years. Word of honor. And I stand by it.JULIA
Stop it. You’re making me blush.SIDNEY
You know I’ll always have your back, right? In and out of this orchestra.JULIA
I know. The big brother I never had.SIDNEY
The one you can always trust.He gives her shoulder an affectionate squeeze.
SIDNEY
Solidarity forever?JULIA
Solidarity forever.He dashes out of sight. Julia finally manages to dig up her ID, shows it to the Guard, who buzzes her in.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
On her way down the hall, Julia stops to watch as Sidney stomps toward the men’s locker room, practically knocking over Charles, who balances a full cup of coffee in his hand.
SIDNEY
Hey. Give me that. I need it more than you.CHARLES
With your diverticulitis? Are you sure you can handle it…Maestro?SIDNEY
It’s an understudy’s duty to provide overworked musicians with their fix, Charlie.CHARLES
Since when?SIDNEY
Since I have to be in the pit, and you don’t have to be anywhere, anytime soon.CHARLES (grimaces)
I suppose you have a point.Charles ceremoniously offers the cup to Sidney, who accepts it and downs it in one gulp.
SIDNEY
And don’t call me “Maestro.”Charles spies Frank signaling him from down the hall.
CHARLES
Later, Sid.He moves off toward Frank. Sidney tosses the empty cup in a bin and hurries away. Julia frowns, continues down the hallway.
INT. PIT
Tony and a SECURITY GUARD try to tug Julia away from Abel’s body. She shakes them off.
JULIA
Don’t touch me!NYPD detective LARRY SOMERS, 40, unpretentious good looks and 100% efficiency, appears with partner BUDDY CRUSE, 30, more experienced than he looks. A bevy of COPS follow them.
Larry scowls at Julia, turns to a COP.
LARRY
Get this girl out of here.Julia glowers at Larry. The Cop drags Julia away, kicking and screaming at him.
JULIA
I hate you!She takes one last dismayed look at her fallen mentor. Catches a glimpse of Abel’s musical score still resting on the podium, smeared with blood.
INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
A sizable, carpeted room, intimately lit, dotted with banquette sofas, tables, and chairs. Orchestra Members huddle together, numb, terrified, and in shock.
Tony ushers in Larry, installs him at a table with two chairs. Larry, his expression grim, clutches a list of orchestra members in his hand.
Julia huddles on a corner sofa with Sidney, her face stained with tears. Sidney offers her a handkerchief.
SIDNEY
I know you loved him, kid.JULIA
Who could have done this? Who?She takes his proffered handkerchief. Then, spying Larry, she glowers indignantly.
JULIA
That’s the cop who ordered that Officer to drag me away from Abel. Bastard.She jumps up and starts to move in Larry’s direction. Sidney restrains her.
SIDNEY
He was only doing his job, kid.He gently pulls her onto the sofa. Her indignance turns to distress.
JULIA
It’s not just that, Sid. I’m worried that he’ll find out you left the pit just before Abel was…was…SIDNEY
Wait a minute, you don’t think I —JULIA
Of course not.Julia glances over uneasily toward Larry.
JULIA
But he might think otherwise.Tony gestures to Sidney. Julia watches, quaking with fear, as Sidney rises and approaches the detective.
INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Julia’s cell phone rings. She ignores it.
KATIE
Are you going to get that or not?Grimacing, Julia picks up.
KATIE
Put it on speaker.JULIA
No way. (into phone) Hello?CHARLES (O.S.)
Julia, I thought I’d check on you. Are you okay?Katie leans over close enough to the phone. Recognizing Charles’s voice, she smirks knowingly. Julia scowls at her.
JULIA
I’m anything but okay, Charles. I’m too upset to perform tonight.CHARLES (O.S.)
What’s troubling you?JULIA
For starters? Matt. It’s so unlike him not to show up.CHARLES (O.S.)
Don’t worry about Matt. He can take care of himself.JULIA
And Sid’s annoyed with me.CHARLES (O.S.)
How could anyone be annoyed with you? You’re such an angel.JULIA
That’s nice of you, Charles, but I’m hardly that.CHARLES (O.S.)
Most important is, you have to perform, Julia. We need you. Just muster your courage. Coraggio. I’ll be there to support you.JULIA
You’re the second person who’s told me that today.Katie mimes patting herself on the shoulder.
JULIA
Okay, Charles, you win, I’ll be there. But it would really help if you’d bring the first page of the song.CHARLES (O.S.) (irritably)
Yes. Of course. If you insist.He clicks off. Julia turns to Katie.
JULIA
I suppose you heard that?KATIE
Every word.JULIA
Did Charles sound annoyed to you?KATIE
How could he be annoyed with you? You’re such an angel.For the first time, Julia cracks a smile. Katie grins.
INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Julia picks up the envelope, rips it open, pulls out the page two, puts it together with her page one.
CHARLES
You found the other page? But where?JULIA
Doesn’t matter. Just sing it with me.Julia takes a breath, starts to sing. Charles sits next to her, joins in. She stops abruptly at the jarring dissonance.
CHARLES
Why did you stop?JULIA (CONT’D)
Didn’t you hear that?CHARLES
Hear what?JULIA
That C-sharp. It totally doesn’t belong.CHARLES
Julia, I think you’re fabricating something that isn’t there.JULIA
How can you say that? It’s obviously a wrong note that Abel put in to bring attention to something important.CHARLES
I’m not sure why you’re creating a quandary out of nothing. But if you’re convinced of it, you’re on your own.JULIA
What do you mean? Why are you suddenly so angry?CHARLES
I’m not angry. Just disillusioned. I thought better of you.Julia looks at Charles in disbelief.
CHARLES (CONT’D)
I suggest you take the music to the Met and practice it there. Maybe you’ll be able to hear more clearly how mistaken you are.Charles strides to the door, turns back to a confused Julia.
CHARLES (CONT’D)
By the way, I’m singing for Giuseppe tonight at Abel’s commemorative performance. In case you wanted to know.JULIA
Charles, that’s fantastic. Of course I’d want to know.CHARLES (CONT’D)
Oh? I have my doubts.He lets himself out. Julia is devastated.
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ASSIGNMENT
Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is…there are many different ways to approach improvement. And I have such a long way to go to improve all that is needed! (Sigh)
1. Select at least three (3) scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.
ACT 1
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
ACT TWO (b)
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
ACT THREE
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
2. Tell us the purpose of each scene you are improving.
ACT 1
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE (Purpose: to show that Larry is hitting the ground running in his investigation by placing huge importance on the questions he is asking the musicians.)
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
ACT TWO (b)
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT (Purpose: to show the emotional roller coaster Julia is on and to show that she is more than ready to trust Charles’s belief in her ability to tough things out.)
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
ACT THREE
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY (Purpose: to show Julia’s determination to find out what clues might be hidden in Abel’s song and her willingness to forgive Charles for waiting so long to bring it to her.)
Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
3. Give us the “before and after” of the beats you improve.
ACT 1
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
Before: As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
After: Larry, his expression grim, installs himself in an “interrogation” setup at a table with a chair opposite him, to question the musicians. Julia, still angry at his ordering the Officer to drag her away from Abel’s body, jumps up and starts to move in Larry’s direction, muttering indignantly. When Sidney restrains her, Julia admits she is terrified that Sidney’s hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
ACT TWO (b)
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT (Purpose: to show the emotional roller coaster Julia is on and to show that she is more than ready to trust Charles’s belief in her ability to tough things out.)
Before: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
After: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. He is surprised when she tells him found page two of Abel’s song in her cubby. When she admits she is too troubled over Matt’s absence and Sidney’s anger at her to be able to perform that night, he expresses his confidence in her ability to overcome adversity and must try her. Touched by Charles’s concern for her, Julia agrees. When she reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance, she detects a slight annoyance in his voice.
ACT THREE
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Before: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
After: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.
4. Give us the updated Beat Sheet with the improvements you’ve made.
LIST OF BEATS: MURDER IN THE PIT
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp. [Sidney meets Charles outside Abel’s dressing room. Sidney insists Charles give him the cup of coffee he is slurping, even though Sidney knows the coffee will upset his diverticulitis.]
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming that she hates them.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, looking for evidence of the shooting. Larry spots a spent bullet casing wedged in a crack in the floor. After a massive struggle, he finally manages to pry it out.
*8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
Larry, his expression grim, installs himself in an “interrogation” setup at a table with a chair opposite him, to question the musicians. Julia, still angry at his ordering the Officer to drag her away from Abel’s body, jumps up and starts to move in Larry’s direction, muttering indignantly. When Sidney restrains her, Julia admits she is terrified that Sidney’s hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later. She is too emotionally overwrought to see that he is hiding something.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and badly wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles doesn’t hide his triumphant glow at being the one to replace the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have noticed the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
ACT TWO (b)
*7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. He is surprised when she tells him found page two of Abel’s song in her cubby. When she admits she is too troubled over Matt’s absence and Sidney’s anger at her to be able to perform that night, he expresses his confidence in her ability to overcome adversity and must try her. Touched by Charles’s concern for her, Julia agrees. When she reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance, she detects a slight annoyance in his voice.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He refuses, telling her to mind her own business.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she had left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer. This time he agrees.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She reluctantly believes him but is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone approaching from the other end of the street. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment, where he will assign a police guard at the door to protect her.
*5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and sends Buddy with it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
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Day 7 Assignment
Subject Line: Erica Miner – Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is…1. My beats are not as exciting as I thought they were. 2. I found myself sneaking in little changes as I went along, which I guess is cheating? 3. I have a long way to go to make this WHOLE movie entertaining.
1. First, give us your beat sheet and make sure it is numbered.
LIST OF BEATS: MURDER IN THE PIT
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Changed: Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He reluctantly agrees but tells her he can’t guarantee the results.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Changed: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
2. Beginning with the LAST BEAT (at the bottom of the page), rate it on an Entertainment Scale of E1 (dull) to E10 (extremely entertaining) and continue to rate each beat until you reach the top of the page.
With each scene, you are asking the following questions:
A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our lives?3. At the top of your work, post your results. What were your high scenes, your low scenes, and what surprised you?
RESULTS
High scenes: Active murders and violence, attacks and danger; pandemonium and panic; discovery of mystery clues; arguments and confrontations between key characters; the protagonist’s difficulties dealing with her emotional reactions and traumas.
Low scenes: Exposition, transitions; conversations between characters that do not result in a more surprising reveal.
ACT THREE
10. (E6) Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
9. (E10) Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
8. (E8) Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
7. (E9) Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
6. (E8) As Julia tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off her blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
5. (E6) Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
4. (E8) After Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink, they are attacked on the street by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
3. (E10) Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
2. (E5) Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
1. (E7) To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
ACT TWO (2)
10. (E10) Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
9. (E5) Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
8. (E7) Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He refuses to commit, telling her she has no business sticking her nose into the investigation.
7. (E5) Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
6. (E8) Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
5. (E7) Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
4. (E6) General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
3. (E8) Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
2. (E9) During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and badly wounded, sending company members into a panic.
1. (E7) Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
ACT TWO (1)
10. (E7) Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
9. (E6) Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
8. (E7) After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
7. (E7) Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
6. (E6) Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her some time off for bereavement.
5. (E6) Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney. Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
4. (E8) After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
3. (E7) Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
2. (E7) Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to endanger herself to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
1. (E8) Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel matches one of those found in his apartment. That, plus a packet of love letters they’ve discovered between Sidney and Abel, revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
ACT ONE
10. (E7) On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
9. (E8) An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo, plus a packet of love letters between Abel and Sidney, in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
8. (E6) As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
7. (E5) Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
6. (E9) NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally must wrench Julia from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming that she hates them all.
5. (E10) Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
4. (E9) Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
3. (E7) After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Sidney persuades Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, to give him his cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
2. (E9) Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
1. (E7) Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
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Erica Miner Character Intros
What I learned doing this assignment is…
I thought I had the character introduction/description nailed. I found out there was so much work needed to make her stand out. And the other characters as well.
1. List the beats of your current character introductions for the lead characters.
Character #1: Julia
1. Julia Kogan, young, ingenuous, starry-eyed, stares in wonder at New York’s musical mecca, Lincoln Center.
2. A violin case under her arm is labeled “Metropolitan Opera Orchestra Member”, though she looks young enough to be a student.
3. Julia comes across a downtrodden Street Violinist. Sympathetic, she gives him some money, for which he is grateful.
4. Julia’s excitement bubbles over as she gazes at a poster announcing that evening’s performance.
5. She checks her reflection in the window, making sure her concert attire is impeccable.
6. She can’t believe she’s there.
2. Select a different type of introduction from this list below
Types of Introductions:
1) *Action shows primary traits.
She takes out her violin and plays along in virtuoso manner with the Street Violinist
How would other characters react to my lead when they are acting extreme?
Passersby stop, stare, and listen, bemused, impressed, astonished, regale the players with bills. The S.V.’s eyes shine at Julia.
How can I build this character’s reputation?
The above shows:
– Other character’s reaction to this character.
– Builds the Character’s reputation.
3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction. Make sure it delivers as much character as possible through the initial action, initial lines of dialogue, initial description and the situation you place the character in.
New Beats:
1. Julia Kogan, young, ingenuous, stares in wide-eyed wonder at New York’s musical mecca, Lincoln Center. (Action shows primary traits.)
2. Gleefully taking in every detail surrounding her, she does a little dance of jubilation, holding tight to the violin case under her arm. Passersby stare. (Other character’s reaction to this character.)
3. The violin case is labeled “Metropolitan Opera Orchestra Member”, though she looks young enough to be a student. (Build the Character’s reputation.)
4. Julia comes across a downtrodden Street Violinist. She opens her violin case, takes out the instrument and bow, and plays along with the Street Violinist. (Situation demands the character.)
5. Passersby stop, stare, and listen, bemused, impressed, astonished, regale the players with bills. (Other character’s reaction to this character.)
6. Julia scoops up the money, places it in the S.V.’s violin case. His eyes shine at her. (Other character’s reaction to this character.)
7. Julia carefully returns her instrument to the case, skips gleefully through the Plaza. Action shows primary traits.
8. Her excitement bubbles over as she gazes at a poster announcing that evening’s performance. (Action shows primary traits.)
9. She checks her reflection in the glass, impeccably smooths out her concert attire. (Action shows primary traits.)
10. ‘I can’t believe I’m here! (Initial dialogue.)
4. Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.
New scene, first character (Julia, protagonist):
FADE IN:
UNDER CREDITS:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY/LINCOLN PLAZA – EVENING
C.U. on a young woman’s face, alight with wonder.
JULIA KOGAN, early 20s, ingenuous, stares wide-eyed at New York’s musical mecca, Lincoln Center. Backing up, the camera shows her pivot around, gleefully taking in every detail:
The signature FOUNTAIN shooting sparkling jets into the night air…
Three stately concert halls, anchored in the middle by the magnificent METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE, its monumental 40-foot Chagall murals gleaming through massive plate glass windows…
Crowds of PATRONS, elegant in their evening finery: tuxedos and designer gowns, jewels glittering.
Julia does a little dance of jubilation, holding tight to the violin case under her arm. Passersby stare. It doesn’t bother her in the least.
The violin case labeled “Metropolitan Opera Orchestra Member” belies her youthful appearance.
Julia zigzags through the Plaza, comes across a downtrodden Street Violinist, his violin case open but largely empty. She opens her violin case, takes out her instrument and bow, plays exuberantly along with him.
Passersby stop, gawk, and listen, bemused, impressed, astonished. They regale the players with bills.
Julia smiles triumphantly. She scoops up the money, places it all in the S.V.’s violin case, now overflowing. His eyes shine at her.
Julia carefully returns her instrument to its case, skips gleefully through the Plaza. More stares. She’s loving it.
At the opera house entrance, Julia stops to gaze at a 10-foot glass-enclosed POSTER: “METROPOLITAN OPERA OPENING NIGHT GALA PERFORMANCE. ‘DON CARLO‘ by GIUSEPPE VERDI, conducted by ABEL TRUDEAU — SOLD OUT.”
Her excitement bubbles over. She checks her reflection in the glass, impeccably smooths out her black concert attire.
JULIA
I can’t believe I’m here!It’s real after all. She hurries into the opera house.
1. List the beats of your current character introductions for the lead characters.
Character #2: Sidney
Beats:
1. Sidney Richter, late 40s, “wild man” looks, rushes by Julia at the Stage Door Security Station.
2. The Security Guard buzzes Sidney through the gate, barely checking Sidney’s ID.
3. Julia complains. Sidney tells her she’s just a newbie and will get preferential treatment after a couple of decades.
4. She pouts. He affectionately tells her he loves her youthful ingenuousness, values her musical talent, and will always have her back.
5. Sidney is pleased when Julia calls him the big brother she never had.
6. He vows she will always be able to trust him.
7. Sidney and Julia promise each other Solidarity forever.
8. He dashes out of sight.
2. Select a different type of introduction from this list below
Types of Introductions
1) Action shows primary traits. *
2) Other character’s reaction to this character. *
3) Build the Character’s reputation. *
4) Character philosophy
5) Situation demands the character.*
6) The reveal opening.1) Action shows primary traits. *
Sidney rushes past Julia, jostles her, practically making her drop her violin case, doesn’t stop to apologize.
How would other characters react to my second lead character when they are acting extreme?
Julia, outraged, yells at him for being inconsiderate.
The above shows:
– Action shows primary traits
– How other characters react
– Builds the Character’s reputation
3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction. Make sure it delivers as much character as possible through the initial action, initial lines of dialogue, initial description and the situation you place the character in.
New Beats:
1. Sidney Richter, late 40s, “wild man” looks, gets annoyed stares as he pushes through the crowd of other Musicians waiting to get through the Security Guard checkpoint at the Stage Door.
2. In his rush, Sidney jostles Julia, practically making her drop her violin case.
3. The Security Guard buzzes Sidney through the gate with a wave and no check of Sidney’s ID.
4. When Sidney doesn’t stop to apologize, Julia yells at him: ‘Hey! Where are your manners?’
5. Julia pouts. She asks the Security Guard why Sidney gets in with a mere wave.
6. Sidney stops, wheels around, regards Julia with affection and apologizes properly. She relents.
7. He affectionately tells Julia how much he loves her youthful ingenuousness and values her
musical talent. He promises to always have her back, inside or outside of the orchestra.
8. He vows she will always be able to trust him and is pleased when Julia calls him the big
brother she never had.
9. Sidney and Julia promise each other Solidarity forever.
10. He dashes out of sight.
4. Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.
New scene:
INT. OPERA HOUSE/ARTISTS ENTRANCE
A bustling, windowless space. Switchboard, upholstered chairs scattered about, Security checkpoint with waist-high barrier gate manned by a SECURITY GUARD.
MUSICIANS with instrument cases crowd the checkpoint, waiting impatiently to pass through.
Julia stands closest to the SECURITY GUARD, fishes in her purse for her photo ID, can’t find it. Other Musicians glare at her, annoyed.
SIDNEY RICHTER, late 40s, wire-rimmed glasses, curly graying “wild man” hair, pushes through the mob of Musicians to get to the gate. He rushes by Julia, jostling her roughly, not stopping to apologize. Practically makes her drops her violin case. She glowers at Sidney.
JULIA
Hey! Where are your manners?
Sidney hurriedly waves his ID at the Security Guard, who buzzes Sidney in without checking. Julia gawks at Sidney, frowns at the Guard.
JULIA
How come Sidney gets in with a mere wave?Hearing her complaint, Sidney wheels around.
SIDNEY
I’m a veteran of this venerable establishment, Julia. You’re just a kid, a newbie.Give it a couple of decades.
JULIA
Hey. I’m not a kid. And where’s my apology?He regards her with affection.
SIDNEY
I duly apologize. But to me you’ll always be a kid.It’s what I love about you.
Her anger softens. They exchange fond looks, holding for a long beat.
SIDNEY
You’re still the best thing that’s happened to this orchestra in years.Word of honor. And I stand by it.
JULIA
Stop it. You’re making me blush.SIDNEY
You know I’ll always have your back, right? In and out of this orchestra.JULIA
I know. The big brother I never had.SIDNEY
The one you can always trust.He gives her shoulder an affectionate squeeze.
SIDNEY
Solidarity forever?JULIA
Solidarity forever.He dashes out of sight. Julia finally manages to dig up her ID. She shows it to the Guard, who buzzes her in.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Discover Your Characters and Profile Them
Logline: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
Subject: Erica Miner Character Profiles
What I’ve Learned Doing this Assignment: I don’t know my characters as well as I thought I did. But as I peeled off the layers, I gained new insights into what makes them tick.
Character Profiles, top five characters:
1. Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Professional violinist
Core Character Traits:
– Musical prodigy
– Ingenuous
– Sensitive
– Curious
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s natural curiosity propels her into dangerous situations.
Flaw: Her concern for people who are important to her leaves her vulnerable.
Want/Need: Achieve top success in her field/ To be loved
*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: What makes this character unique?
Combines a prodigious musical gift with an ability to solve mysteries.
*Change: [*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.]
Learns to fight back aggressively when her life or a friend’s life is in danger.
Improvement: Making Julia more aggressive makes us root for her feistiness.
2. Character Name: Sidney Richter
Role: Closest colleague to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Hot-tempered
– Avuncular
– Experienced
– Defensive/Aggressive
Character Subtext Logline: Sidney is an easily angered violinist who has a weakness for illegal substances.
Flaw: Underneath his gruff exterior, he is a total softie when it comes to protecting Julia.
*Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.
*Change: [Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.]
To be the best mentor he can be for Julia.
Improvement: Emphasizing Sidney’s altruistic side makes us feel more sympathetic toward him.
3. Character Name: Charles Tremaine
Role: Underappreciated tenor/Lover
Core Character Traits:
– Egotistical
– Capable
– Take charge
– Charmer
*Character Subtext Logline: Charles is a talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.
Flaw: He thinks he is smarter than everyone else.
His Mission: To become the most famous tenor in the world using any means necessary.
*Change: [A talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.]
An aggressive, unrelenting Don Juan will stop at nothing to grab the spotlight.
Improvement: Focusing on Charles’s Casanova-like behavior hints at its potential for danger.
4. Larry Somers
Role: Detective on murder case
Core Character Traits:
– Humorous
– Smart
– Skeptical
– Curious
*Character Subtext Logline: Larry is a savvy detective who takes charge first and asks questions later.
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself: he has a soft spot for vulnerable females.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Controller of all situations.
*Change: [Larry is a savvy detective who tends to take charge first and ask questions later.]
Larry uses his control freak side to discount others’ possibly valuable opinions.
Improvement: Punches up Larry’s personality to hint at his potential to be tough and unforgiving.
5. Patricia Wells
Role: presumed Antagonist to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Difficult
– *Exacting
– Argumentative
– Self-important
Character Subtext Logline: Patricia is the Opera’s general manager who is always on Julia’s case.
Flaw: She has a weakness/need to self-medicate with drugs.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She came from a lower-class background far below her personal standards.
– *Change: [Exacting] Delusions of grandeur
Improvement: Emphasizing Patricia’s ambitious side will make her a more compelling character.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is…in focusing on the character beats, I discovered that the protagonist and antagonist have almost an equal number, while the other characters have less. Thus, they are effectively equals in the story–which is a good thing, right?
Subject: Erica Miner – Character Story Beats
Take your top five characters through this Character Beats process by following these steps.
1. Give us their Character Profile
2. Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
3. List out the beats of their story — either with details or broad strokes.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
5. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and place that at the top of your work.
Character Profile 1. Julia:
1. Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Professional violinist
Core Character Traits:
– Musical prodigy
– Ingenuous
– Sensitive
– Curious
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s natural curiosity propels her into dangerous situations.
Flaw: Her concern for people who are important to her leaves her vulnerable.
Want/Need: Achieve top success in her field/ To be loved
*Character Arc: Learns to fight back aggressively when her life or a friend’s life is in danger.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: What makes this character unique?
Combines a prodigious musical gift with an ability to solve mysteries.
2. Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
Beginning: vows to find her mentor’s killer and who framed her closest colleague for the murder
Middle: falls in love with Antagonist (unknowingly)
End: finds murderer, saves colleague
3. List out the beats of their story — either with details or broad strokes.
Julia’s story beats (details):
1. Julia worries when she overhears her closest colleague Sidney arguing about her with her mentor, Abel.
2. Julia gratefully accepts her beloved mentor’s gifts of a jeweled pin and a song written for her
3. Julia freaks out when Abel is assassinated
4. She turns her anger on NYPD detective Larry when he has an Officer drag her away from Abel’s body
5. She becomes distraught when Sidney is accused of Abel’s murder
6. Julia vows to friend Katie to find Abel’s killer and exonerate Sidney [end Act 1]
7. Julia tries to find clues to the murder in the song Abel wrote for her
8. She asks friend and admirer, head stagehand Matt, to help her figure out who framed Sidney
9. Julia bristles when general manager Patricia accuses her of interfering with stagehands backstage
10. An encounter with Matt’s boorish assistant Frank sends Julia into a hasty retreat
11. When minor tenor Charles suggests meeting to explore Abel’s song, Julia, in a vulnerable state gives in to his amorous advances
12. Julia brings Sidney home from jail and is distressed when he loses his temper with her
13. She becomes suspicious when she finds the chess pieces in Abel’s dressing room have been moved
14. Julia finds Matt’s bludgeoned body stuffed into the pit wall opening [Mid-point]
15. She discovers that Sidney has been arrested again for Matt’s murder, finds consolation in Charles’s arms
*16. Julia succeeds in convincing Larry to let her help in the two murder investigations
17. Charles yanks Julia out of the way of some falling scenery, saving her life
18. Julia and Katie are accosted by a masked assailant on the street outside of a bar
19. During a performance, Julia uses an opera practice room to look for clues in Abel’s song, while Larry waits
20. Julia’s violin pin breaks, revealing a digital flash card, which she gives to Larry to analyze at H.Q.
21. Julia finds Charles’s name spelled out in the song, but Frank abducts her to the roof before she can reveal her findings to Larry
22. To her shock, Julia discovers that Charles and Frank conspired to murder Abel and Matt
23. She is further shocked when Charles kills Frank, and terrified when Charles tries to throw her off the roof
24. When Charles is momentarily distracted, Julia uses all her strength to thrust at him, causing him to fall
25. Julia celebrates her solving the murders at her first ‘real’ debut performance
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
*16. [Julia succeeds in convincing Larry to let her help in the two murder investigations]
5. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Larry refuses Julia’s request to help in the investigations. She starts investigating on her own, unknowingly placing herself in danger. This adds tension and conflict to the story. [pp. 76 ff.]
Character profile 2: Sidney
Character Name: Sidney Richter
Role: Closest colleague to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Hot-tempered
– Avuncular
– Experienced
– Defensive/Aggressive
Character Subtext Logline: Sidney is an easily angered violinist with a weakness for illegal substances.
Flaw: Underneath his gruff exterior, he is a total softie when it comes to protecting Julia.
*Want/Need: To be the best mentor and protector he can be for Julia.
Improvement: Emphasizing Sidney’s altruistic side makes us feel more sympathetic toward him.
Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
Beginning: confronts Abel about involving Julia in Abel’s personal troubles
Middle: is accused of and framed for two murders
End: is exonerated and freed
List out the beats of their story:
1. Sidney tells inexperienced Julia that after time she will learn the ropes.
*2. He argues with Abel about exposing the innocent girl to Abel’s nasty, behind the scenes troubles
3. His hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder creates suspicion from NYPD detective Larry
4. Sidney is arrested for drug and weapon possession, along with cohort Damon
5. A bundle of love letters between Sidney and Abel casts further suspicion on Sidney; he is accused of murder
6. When Julia brings Sidney home from jail, he becomes abrasive when she asks him who framed him
7. He is chastised by Patricia for daring to come back to the opera house after his arrest and is sent packing
8. A Grand Jury indicts Sidney for murder
9. He is accused of Matt’s murder
10. Sidney is freed, due to Julia’s faith in him and her fearless efforts to solve the murder and clear his name
Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
*2. Sidney argues with Abel about exposing the innocent girl to Abel’s nasty, behind the scenes troubles
Improvement: He threatens Abel’s life; adds tension and foreshadows his arrest
Character Profile 3: Charles
Character Name: Charles Tremaine
Role: Underappreciated tenor/Lover
Core Character Traits:
– Egotistical
– Capable
– Take charge
– Charmer
*Character Subtext Logline: Charles is a talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.
Flaw: He thinks he is smarter than everyone else.
His Mission: To become the most famous tenor in the world using any means necessary.
*Change: An aggressive, unrelenting Don Juan will stop at nothing to grab the spotlight.
Improvement: Focusing on Charles’s Casanova-like behavior plays up his over-the-top ego and hints at his dangerous side.
Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
Beginning: Charles shows resentment and jealousy toward a lead singer who represents Charles’s career failures
Middle: Charles seduces Julia, the most naïve female in the company
End: He confesses the murders he has committed to Julia but underestimating her ability to fight back, opens
himself up to a disastrous fall (literally)
List out the beats of their story:
1. Charles elicits general manager Patricia’s ire when he shows jealousy toward the star singer
*2. Charles purposely pushes coffee on Sidney, knowing that it will make Sidney ill
3. Charles’s willingness to organizes Abel’s memorial service backfires when he is passed over yet again
for a major role
4. He charms Julia by offering her consolation in her grief over Abel’s death and help in decoding Abel’s song
5. He persuades Julia to let him borrow page one of the song, then seduces her
6. When Julia asks him to return the song, he pretends to have forgotten it but offers to go over it with her later
7. When the lead tenor is shot for real onstage, Charles is first in line to take the singer’s place
8. Charles shows his concern for Julia’s distress over Matt’s murder by offering to bring her to his place to recover
9. He becomes furious when Julia abandons him at Larry’s request to meet up at the Met
10. He re-establishes his bond with Julia by revealing that he will be singing the lead in an important performance
11. He saves Julia from being crushed by a heavy piece of falling scenery, eliciting her eternal gratitude
12. Charles tries to charm a dowager patron whom he hopes will bankroll a new production for him
13. He expresses his frustrations to Larry about Patricia’s lack of appreciation for his artistic abilities
14. Finally relinquishing Abel’s song to Julia, Charles convinces her to take it to the Met to play on her violin
15. Charles makes a grand entrance onstage, gratified by the adoring audience applause he feels he so deserves
16. He shocks Julia by first admitting to conspiring to murdering his brother Abel, then having Frank kill Matt.
17. Determined to complete his foolproof plan to blame the murders on Frank and eliminate any witnesses, Charles tries to push Julia off the roof
18. In a moment of distraction, Julia pushes him off the roof
Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
*2. Charles purposely pushes coffee on Sidney, knowing that it will make Sidney ill
Improvement: Charles pretends not to offer the coffee to Sidney, instead making Sidney beg for it.
Character Profile 4: Larry
Role: Detective on murder case
Core Character Traits:
– Humorous
– Smart
– Skeptical
– Control freak
*Character Subtext Logline: Larry is a savvy detective who takes charge first and asks questions later.
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself: he has a soft spot for vulnerable females.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Controller of all situations.
*Change: Larry uses his control freak side to discount others’ possibly valuable opinions.
Improvement: Punches up Larry’s personality to hint at his tendency to be tough and unforgiving.
Beginning: Larry upsets Julia by tearing her away from her mentor’s body after he’s been assassinated.
Middle: Larry further disturbs Julia by telling her Sidney can shoot a rifle and is providing drugs to the company.
End: Worried about Julia’s safety when Charles tries to kill her, Larry rushes to the scene but finds that Julia can take care of herself.
List out the beats of their story:
1. Larry is assigned to investigate Abel’s murder.
2. Larry shows no mercy in dragging a distraught Julia away from Abel’s body.
3. Larry determines that the murder is an inside job.
4. He hints to Julia that Sidney is a person of interest in the crime.
5. Larry and Patricia clash over continuing to interview the exhausted musicians.
6. Larry finds a threatening written note and a warning message on Abel’s phone machine.
7. Finding guns, ammo, drugs and a bundle of love letters between Sidney and Abel in Sidney’s apartment, Larry arrests Sidney.
8. Larry presents further damning evidence against Sidney to Julia.
9. After Giuseppe is shot onstage during a rehearsal, Larry finds Damon with a loaded stage rifle and arrests him.
10. Larry dismisses Julia’s theory that whoever moved Abel’s chess pieces could be a prime suspect.
11. Larry begins to be sympathetic to Julia’s distress when she finds Matt’s body in the pit.
12. Larry convinces Julia of the urgency to retrieve the first page of Abel’s song from Charles.
13. Larry considers Julia’s offer to help investigate the murders.
14. He tries to approach Charles about relinquishing page 1 of Abel’s song, but other events interfere.
15. Larry shows sympathy toward Charles for his Met career troubles.
16. When Julia is attached on the street, Larry kindly offers Julia to stay on his couch to keep her safe.
17. Larry encourages Julia to keep playing Abel’s song to search for clues.
18. Larry takes the flash card Julia has found in her violin pin and gives it to Buddy for analysis.
19. Astonished to discover that Carl, the young boy who witnessed a suspicious drowning at a music camp, is Abel’s younger brother, Larry fears that Julia may be in danger.
20. Larry finds that Julia is capable of saving her own life and feels deep respect for her.
Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
*13. Larry considers Julia’s offer to help investigate the murders.
Improvement: rejects Julia’s suggestion out of hand, causing an ever deeper rift between them.
Character Profile 5: Patricia
Role: presumed Antagonist (but not villain) to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Difficult
– *Exacting
– Argumentative
– Self-important
Character Subtext Logline: Patricia is the Opera’s general manager who is always on Julia’s case.
Flaw: She has a weakness/need to self-medicate with drugs.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: Coming from a lower-class background far below her personal standards has caused limitless drive and ambition for her own career.
– *Change: [Exacting] Delusions of grandeur
Improvement: Emphasizing Patricia’s ambitious side will make her a more compelling character.
Beginning: Patricia continually puts out fires among company artists and in unexpected crises.
Middle: Despite Larry’s protests, Patricia establishes her iron fist in taking charge of company members during Larry’s investigation of Abel’s murder.
End: Patricia regretfully gives up the last of her controlled substances.
List out the beats of their story:
1. Patricia consoles the tenor, orders around Matt, and exhorts other company members not to slack off.
2. She becomes suspicious of Abel’s closeness with Julia.
3. She uses her clout to dismiss Larry’s requests.
4. Patricia commands company members to keep performing despite any trauma or grief surrounding Abel’s murder.
5. She establishes her dominance by purposely passing over underling Charles for an important role.
*6. Patricia accuses Julia of interfering with stagehands’ backstage work.
7. She further dominates by decree, insisting that rehearsal continue after the tenor is shot and wounded.
8. She refuses to let Buddy question company members about the shooting until rehearsal is over.
9. Patricia bans Sidney from returning to work.
10. She commands complete control over an important patron event.
11. She finally shows a chink in her armor when an important diva refuses to do as Patricia insists.
12. Patricia deflects Julia’s suspicions about Patricia’s possible involvement in the murders by making sure she has an airtight alibi.
Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
*6. Patricia accuses Julia of interfering with stagehands’ backstage work.
Improvement: Patricia is more aggressive about her threats to fire Julia from the Met.
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Day 4: Discover Your Characters
Subject: Erica Miner Character Profiles
What I’ve Learned Doing this Assignment: I don’t know my characters as well as I thought I did. But as I peeled off the layers, I gained new insights into what makes them tick.
Logline: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
Character Profiles, top five characters:
1. Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Professional violinist
Core Character Traits:
– Musical prodigy
– Ingenuous
– Sensitive
– Curious
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s natural curiosity propels her into dangerous situations.
Flaw: Her concern for people who are important to her leaves her vulnerable.
Want/Need: Achieve top success in her field/ To be loved
*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: What makes this character unique?
Combines a prodigious musical gift with an ability to solve mysteries.
*Change: [*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.]
Learns to fight back aggressively when her life or a friend’s life is in danger.
Improvement: Making Julia more aggressive makes us root for her feistiness.
2. Character Name: Sidney Richter
Role: Closest colleague to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Hot-tempered
– Avuncular
– Experienced
– Defensive/Aggressive
Character Subtext Logline: Sidney is an easily angered violinist who has a weakness for illegal substances.
Flaw: Underneath his gruff exterior, he is a total softie when it comes to protecting Julia.
*Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.
*Change: [Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.]
To be the best mentor and uncle substitute for Julia.
Improvement: Emphasizing Sidney’s altruistic side makes us feel more sympathetic toward him.
3. Character Name: Charles Tremaine
Role: Underappreciated tenor/Lover
Core Character Traits:
– Egotistical
– Capable
– Take charge
– Charmer
*Character Subtext Logline: Charles is a talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.
Flaw: He thinks he is smarter than everyone else.
His Mission: To become the most famous tenor in the world using any means necessary.
*Change: [A talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.]
An aggressive, unrelenting Don Juan will stop at nothing to grab the spotlight.
Improvement: Focusing on Charles’s Casanova-like behavior hints at its potential for danger.
4. Larry Somers
Role: Detective on murder case
Core Character Traits:
– Humorous
– Smart
– Skeptical
– Curious
*Character Subtext Logline: Larry is a savvy detective who takes charge first and asks questions later.
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself: he has a soft spot for vulnerable females.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Controller of all situations.
*Change: [Larry is a savvy detective who tends to take charge first and ask questions later.]
Larry uses his control freak side to discount others’ possibly valuable opinions.
Improvement: Punches up Larry’s personality to hint at his potential to be tough and unforgiving.
5. Katie Ma
Role: Best friend to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Upbeat
– Voluble
– *Generous
– Offhand manner
Character Subtext Logline: Katie is Julia’s oldest friend who tries to keep Julia’s impulsive behavior in check.
Flaw: She has a weakness/constant need to eat junk food as a replacement for alcohol.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She has little tolerance for her AA meetings.
*Change: [Generous] Mischievous
Improvement: Emphasizing Katie’s mischievous side will make her a quirkier, more appealing character.
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Hi Alan,
A couple of things about v.2. (suggestions only). And you’re right, misdirections definitely misdirected me!
9. Bistro: maybe it’s because I’m a woman, but it would help to know right off the bat that Quinn is female.
12. Good twist with Rolex Guy threatening to kill Jay.
15. Just wondering why Jay is stalking the terminal. Is it part of his persona to look for runaways and help them? After he and Madison leave together, suddenly he’s with Erin. Did he leave Madison at a safe house? With apologies, could the whole Doppelgänger thing be a bit clearer?
22. Do the Police investigate Blake’s murder?
28. It’s not quite clear they ‘They’ are the traffickers and not the FBI from the former sentence.
35. ‘pick Erin up’ doesn’t quite sound like an abduction.
37. Good twist, not finding Holly among the other women.
39. Specify we’re in China?
That’s it. much improved. If I’m putting too much detail here, let me know.
Erica
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Hi Demethress,
Thanks so much for reaching out about exchanging feedback. I honestly am feeling pretty overwhelmed just getting the assignments done and critiquing my partner, so regretfully I have to decline your offer. But I do appreciate it.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Somehow I missed the assignment ‘ELEVATE THE OPENING’ and just found it in the email you sent me on Monday. I guess I’d better do it myself after I critique your Story Beats and before I move on to ‘CHARACTERS’.
Meanwhile, I found your VERSION 2 ‘ELEVATE THE OPENING’ dramatically improved. Much, much clearer who Jay is, when and how Holly’s abduction occurs. I had some trouble at first confusing Holly and Erin, but you made the differences between them much clearer.
The rest of the plot fell into place very well. I now understand it all much better.
Great job.
Erica
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HI Alan,
Thanks so much for your critique. Honestly, I’d rather just work with you if that’s okay. I find your manner, your suggestions and insights really resonate with me. I appreciate your suggesting to me not only what needs improvement but also what needs work and most importantly, HOW to improve things.
Great input about the Missing Page. That is one plot point that I’ve never felt satisfied with. It’s a bit better in the actual script, but I should be making it much clearer via the beats. So, thank you for that.
I found this assignment very tough and hugely labor intensive. That’s probably what Hal intended! It doesn’t help that I’m behind on a bunch of music articles that are due. I feel rather overextended. Timing is everything. Tomorrow is another day, and I intend to start with critiquing yours.
Have a great evening, and thanks again.
Erica
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how much the script can be improved just by punching up the beats.
LOGLINE: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
CURRENT BEATS OF THE SCRIPT/ BEATS SEPARATED OUT/ HOW CHANGED:
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Original: Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
Changed: After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
Original: NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
Changed: NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Original: Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they owe him their loyalty at the very least.
Changed: Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
Original: At Charles’s suggestion, Julia brings Abel’s song to his artists’ practice studio to figure out the bizarre note. When she hears him sing, the power and beauty of his voice bowl her over. He exploits her favorable impression by trying to kiss her. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his passionate embrace and leaves the song with him.
Changed: After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Original: Julia approaches head stagehand Matt to help find out who may have framed Sidney. Admitting that he and Sidney have had a falling out, Matt nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Matt’s assistant, Frank, eyes Julia with disapproval, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
Changed: Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Original: Larry undermines Julia’s insistence that Sidney is innocent, telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with a rifle. Julia is too upset to play. She asks Tony for bereavement time. He grudgingly agrees.
Changed: Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
Original: Julia picks up Sidney after his release from jail and asks him who he thinks might have framed him. She becomes agitated when he yells at her to get off his case.
Changed: After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Original: Uncomfortable at her giving in to Charles in the artists’ studio, Julia tries to play it cool. She deflects his intimate gestures by sharing her concern at not seeing the always dependable Matt at work. Charles hasn’t brought page one of the song, but he promises to look at it with Julia later.
Changed: Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Original: Julia is astonished to find an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing page two of Abel’s song. She senses she’s being watched but doesn’t see the person hidden behind a corner, watching her.
Changed: Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Original: Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims he didn’t know the bullets were real. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
Changed: Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Original: Sidney appears, on his way to the pit to rehearse. Patricia waylays him and tells him it’s not appropriate for him to be there after his arrest. He storms off.
Changed: Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Original: Charles calls Julia to ask if she’s okay. Still reeling from recent events, she tells him she doesn’t feel that she will be able to perform that night. He encourages her to get over her trauma and convinces her to play. She asks him to bring page one of the song to the performance.
Changed: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Original: Julia suggests to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime. He promises to investigate it but can’t guarantee any results.
Changed: Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He reluctantly agrees but tells her he can’t guarantee the results.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Original: Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of the song from Charles. When the note he supposedly sent her goes missing from her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
Changed: Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Original: Charles finally brings Julia page one of the song. Singing it together, they agree that one of the notes is glaringly wrong. Charles suggests Julia take the music to the Met, where she can practice it on the violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
Changed: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
NEW LIST OF BEATS
NEW LIST OF BEATS: MURDER IN THE PIT
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Changed: Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He reluctantly agrees but tells her he can’t guarantee the results.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Changed: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to be more open to rethink my structure when I previously had thought it was set in stone.
Erica’s Basic Structure Version 1
Logline: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
Current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure:
Main Conflict: young violinist trying to solve the murder of her mentor and save her closest colleague from being convicted of the murder, finds resistance from both friends and enemies.
1. Opening: At her opening night at the Metropolitan Opera, starry-eyed violin prodigy Julia receives a gift from Maestro Abel Trudeau: a song written for her which is missing a page.
2. Inciting Incident: Abel is assassinated on the podium during the performance.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Julia decides she must find Abel’s murderer, though Larry, the NYPD detective on the case tries to discourage her.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Julia’s closest colleague Sidney is arrested for the murder, she doubles her efforts to find Abel’s real killer.
5. Mid-Point: Julia freaks out when Charles, an attractive, ambitious tenor, pursues her romantically but also has a strange interest in Abel’s song.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Julia’s friend, head stagehand Matt, is murdered.
7. Crisis: Julia realizes Abel and Matt’s killer is out to get her, and that Abel has spelled out Charles’s name on the missing page of the song he has written for Julia.
8. Climax: Confessing he has conspired with Matt’s assistant Frank to murder both Abel and Matt, Charles tries to remove Julia’s threat of exposing him by throwing her off the roof of the Met, but she outwits him.
9. Resolution: Sidney is set free, the murderers have been found, Julia and Larry become buddies, and Julia finally plays her debut performance.
Look back over the 9 elements and select at least one to elevate: Mid-point
Separating that one (or more) item(s) out, list the main purpose of that item in the story:
to reveal to Julia that the opera singer she admires and crushes on has a dark side that will prove dangerous.
Brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that structural item.
Brainstorm Ideas:
1. Julia has an appointment to meet Charles at a quiet, intimate restaurant. Afraid of her attraction to him, she insists on meeting in a public place, in full view of scores of people: the fountain in Lincoln Plaza, the crossroads of the Upper West Side, with all its bustle and noise. He arrives early, waits for her. She starts to enter the plaza, sees Charles waiting impatiently. Turns around and flees.
2. Julia comes to the stagehands’ locker room to meet Charles. She peeks in the door to see Charles in a confab with assistant head stagehand Frank and surreptitiously listens in on their conversation. Both men admit Julia is desirable physically, but Frank grouses about the snootiness of the orchestra musicians overall. Julia is taken aback but is determined to show them her gutsiness. She enters the room without knocking, totally flummoxing the two men, admonishing Charles for sharing his attraction to her with Frank.
3. Charles asks Julia to bring Abel’s song to an artist’s studio, where he will be working with an opera coach. When she comes in and hears him sing, she is bowled over by the power and beauty of his voice. Noticing this, he redoubles his efforts, finishing his aria with a flourish. The coach makes himself scarce, giving Charles the opportunity to exploit Julia’s favorable impression of his singing. He persuades her to give him the only copy of the song that Abel has written for her. Then he seduces her.
Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:
Second List
Main Conflict: young violinist trying to solve the murder of her mentor and save her closest colleague from being convicted of the murder, discovers that an admired opera singer is actually a madman.
1. Opening: At her opening night at the Metropolitan Opera, starry-eyed violin prodigy Julia receives a gift from Maestro Abel Trudeau: a song written for her which is missing a page.
2. Inciting Incident: Abel is assassinated on the podium during the performance.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Julia decides she must find Abel’s murderer, though Larry, the NYPD detective on the case tries to discourage her.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Julia’s close colleague Sidney is arrested for the murder, she doubles her efforts to find Abel’s real killer.
5. *Mid-Point [change]: Charles, a singer whom Julia crushes on, exploits her admiration of his singing by seducing her to obtain her only copy of Abel’s song.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Julia’s friend, head stagehand Matt, is murdered.
7. Crisis: Julia realizes Abel and Matt’s killer is out to get her, and that Abel has spelled out Charles’s name on the missing page of the song he has written for Julia.
8. Climax: Confessing he has conspired with Matt’s assistant Frank to murder both Abel and Matt, Charles tries to remove Julia’s threat of exposing him by throwing her off the roof of the Met, but she outwits him.
9. Resolution: Sidney is set free, the murderers have been found, Julia and Larry become buddies, and Julia finally plays her debut performance.
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Hi everyone,
I’m Erica Miner and I’ve written 11 scripts in different genres. I’ve tried rewriting all of them and I feel that I’ve gotten really close in some of them, but I’m not ‘there’ yet. I hope the class will empower me to get at least some of my scripts to the next level.
Unusual? In my former life I was a violinist with the Metropolitan Opera, so music is my guide and my muse in everything I do. But I also was taught Creative Writing when I was a kid in grade school, so I love music and writing equally.
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Title: MURDER IN THE PIT
Logline:
When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
Synopsis:
The odds have been against gifted violinist Julia most of her young life. She still has vivid nightmares about her childhood trauma of losing her father in a shooting on the streets of Manhattan. Nonetheless, she refuses to let her painful memories interfere with her opening night debut in the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. Julia wants nothing more than to prove herself to her mentor, celebrated maestro Abel. She also feels pressured to live up to the exacting standards of the higher-ups in the company. But a heated pre-performance argument behind closed doors between Abel and Julia’s closest colleague Sidney worries her. Then Abel is struck down on the podium by an assassin’s bullet in the middle of the performance.
Julia’s grief sends her into a tailspin. But Sidney’s arrest as a murder suspect forces Julia to act. Larry, the NYPD detective assigned to the case, presents compelling evidence pointing to Sidney’s guilt. Julia remains convinced that Sidney is innocent. She trolls dark hallways and hidden stairwells of the Met searching for clues to clear Sidney’s name. She enlists Charles, a talented up-and-coming singer, and Matt, the head stagehand, to aid in her quest. Unexpected resentment from Matt’s assistant, Frank, makes Julia’s quest even more difficult. Yet she still is determined to find Abel’s real killer.
Julia’s passionate crusade to save Sidney from the death penalty convinces Larry of Sidney’s possible innocence. Violinist and detective work tirelessly to uncover Abel’s real murderer, despite unanticipated opposition from Management.
Julia is shocked to find an unimagined world of danger and intrigue hidden behind the Met’s golden curtain. A drug ring, secret sexual alliances, searing rivalries and more, rear their ugly heads. Then mysterious occurrences spook her. Toppling scenery barely misses crushing her. Threatening notes appear on her music. Julia is terrified that someone in the opera world doesn’t want her snooping around. Or worse, wants her dead. When she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body stuffed into an opening in the pit wall, her terror mounts.
Julia rises above her fears to figure out who the perpetrator is. She’s eager to reveal the murderer’s identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Larry has discovered a tangle of murderous jealousies dating back to Charles and Abel’s childhood. He realizes Julia is in grave danger and frantically searches for her at the opera house.
But Frank has already abducted Julia. He forces her up to the roof of the opera house and tries to throw her off. More shocking, Charles appears and confesses that he and Frank have conspired to murder both Abel and Matt.
When Charles kills Frank without batting an eye, Julia recognizes that Charles is a madman. Her distress escalates further when he drags her to the edge of the roof. Julia realizes she must act quickly to save her own life. In a moment of weakness, Charles celebrates his moment of glory. With all her strength, Julia thrusts her body at him, shoving him off the edge.
Larry arrives to find Julia gasping for breath. But she is safe and gratified, knowing that she has solved Abel’s murder and restored Sidney’s freedom.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Erica Miner. Reason: Trimming, tightening and clarifying
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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I agree to the terms of the Group Release Form.
Erica Miner
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Hi Alan,
This fulfills the question “Is it necessary?” for sure. It could indeed be clearer. Maybe the previous lines are the key to making it clear she’s been drugged? Then for sake of brevity you wouldn’t need to add any other clarification in that department.
Suggestion: Erin tries to take another sip from the glass. Starts to sway. Keels over. The spinning bar stool sends her reeling. She WHACKS her face on the bar on her way down. Blood gushes from her lip.
Something like that.
Very powerful scene. Good work!
Erica
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Hi Alan,
That sounds like a plan. I’ve already rewritten the first few scenes to reflect your suggestions, and I like the way it works so far. I’ll let it brew. I’ve already started to study the next assignment, and I finally have a full day without other writing commitments tomorrow to work on it. Tall order, but we can do it, right?
Have I told you that you’re the best?
Erica
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Thank you!! I had to work in Julia’s fear of heights in a logical way and in more than one place in the script in order for it to be believable. Great brain exercise!
😉
Erica
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🙂
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Hi again,
So in contemplating your changes, I came across a conundrum. You may or may not remember back when we were working with openings, that my original original opening was introducing Julia as she encounters the Street Violinist in Lincoln Plaza in front of the Met. My plan was to cut this, start with the murder scene, and then flash back to show it how all began in Lincoln Plaza, with one of those ‘6 HOURS EARLIER’ subtitles. Then show Julia relating to Sidney and others she meets inside the Met before the performance.
Are you saying that I could dispense with this introduction entirely, without a Flashback? I think it would be tough to show Julia’s all-important relationship with Sidney, without using any of that material.
Thoughts?
Erica
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I also have been told that flashbacks are not ideal, but before your suggestions I couldn’t think of a work around. I will experiment with what you’ve was and see if I can make it all fit.
Thank you!
Erica
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Thank you so much, Alan. As always, your comments mean a great deal. I have a long way to go, but you are giving me courage and smiles.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Great job, good detail. Referring to the previous assignment, I’d love to see more difficulty, even DANGER, for Jay in the ending. How does Quinn win his release? Can he struggle more to get that job? Can there be a surprise once he reaches Hawaii?
These are just thoughts/ideas that occurred to me as I read over all of your last 3 assignments.
I’ll know more once I read your complete 3rd Act, which I’m looking forward to.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Love your revised line. ‘Deep end of the pool’ is definitely memorable.
Just a nit pick: ‘bumpkin’ is the correct spelling, I believe 😉
Keep up the great work.
Erica
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XO
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INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
A cavernous one-room studio, high ceilings, loft bed. Sidney practices the violin, looks on as Damon, aka Abel’s valet, packs a 9 mm Luger into his back pocket and lays out cocaine and related paraphernalia on a coffee table. Damon looks up, listens for a beat.
DAMON
That music goes just right with a couple of lines.
SIDNEY
I know how much you love Mozart.
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY
Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.
LARRY
NYPD. Open up.APARTMENT INTERIOR
Sidney stops playing, carefully places his violin in the case, lumbers to the door. Opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.
LARRY
We need to talk.Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon is visible leaning over the coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.
Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team.
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Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures [2]
INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR
Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.
LARRY
NYPD. Open up.Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.
LARRY
We need to talk.Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.
Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.
DAMON
What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?
SIDNEY
If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?
Larry approaches the table, swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it. Turns to Sidney.
LARRY
What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?
Buddy watches closely as Damon, sweating nervously, clutches his back pocket. He reaches into Damon’s pocket, extracts a handgun, inspects it.
BUDDY
A 9 mm Luger? This is how you train to be a valet?
He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, snaps them on Damon’s wrists. Larry digs into Sidney’s pocket, finds the identical gun.
LARRY
Looks like you both were expecting company.
He cuffs Sidney. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.
OFFICER
Boss, get a load of this.
Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, more weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents. At the bottom he finds finds a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.
LARRY
Are these between you two? Or someone else?
Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.
He and Buddy drag Sidney and Damon to the door, kicking but not screaming.
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All much improved. The TWIST Bus Scene worked especially well. It really got me.
KEEP GOING.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Thank you, this is good to know. This particular technique takes a lot of thought, and I honestly wasn’t sure I was getting it right. Since posting this scene, I’ve been going through and doing the same to other scenes. Turns out I have more T.H. scenes than I thought!
E
p.s. and most of them are in Act Two!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Erica Miner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Subject line: Alan’s Meaningful Action
Hi Alan,
I liked Change #1. It really heightened Madison’s desperation, with the empty billfold. #2 was less clear to me. Knowing more precisely where the Young Woman is sitting in relation to Jay would make the action clearer.
Keep going!
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HI Alan,
Great job. I daresay we all needed to improve our character intros, and I see a great difference here from your originals.
I like showing the sketch of Jay on the Wanted Poster at the restaurant. So much clearer and more interesting. I will be curious to see how you show in the script that Jay and ‘a woman’ seem to be having an affair 😉
Just IMHO (suggestion only), I don’t think you need to put (impressed) after Rolex Guy’s character name if you have ‘You’re quite impressive’ in his dialogue.
Everything else: great. I can’t wait to read more.
Erica
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Erica’s Critique
Overall, excellent work. All of the roles have been strengthened. I feel like I’m getting to know these characters!
A few minor points below might help clarify even further. Keep going!
Erica
Character: JAY CROCKETT
Very good: doesn’t want to admit his marriage is falling apart; makes him more human
Mission/Agenda: To save his sister, Holly, & Erin (consider revealing what he’s saving them from…?)
Beginning is much clearer, with Jay’s mistaken identity spelled out
Middle: ‘charges blindly ahead’ also makes him relatable
Character Story Beats:
3. (FBI agent) Quinn mistakes Jay for his doppelganger (who actually is…) and arrests him
15. another case of mistaken identity by the FBI?
23. Erin accepts the fake modeling job? I know you put it in her profile, but it might be useful here
32. Jay and the Security guy bait and switch the Chinese with whom…?
33. Poor Jay gets arrested a third time?
Improvement: excellent
Character: ORLANDO
Beginning, Middle, End—well done
All his character beats are clear, which really works well for a villain
Character: Erin
Improvement: good to bring these characters closer together
Character: QUINN
Secret: she’s divorced; will there be a sequel where she and Jay get together? 😉
Interesting point: she has more beats than Jay (also Holly)
Character: HOLLY
Setting her up as both party girl and gullible gives her more depth
Beginning, Middle, End: clear on how she is open to and gets into trouble
2. I’m still a bit confused as to the difference between Blake and Orlando
I think her beats are the most cinematic
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Hi Alan,
I just wrote a detailed reply that seems to have disappeared. Not knowing if it posted or if you got it, I’m writing it again. I’m glad you feel I’ve improved. I think so, too. I feel like a whole different writer.
I apologize for taking so long getting back to you but I’ve been slammed with music reviews and such for the past several days. Now I’m able to give full attention here.
Re your concern about the situation at the opera house: the tenor is actually shot but only wounded, not killed. I’m appalled that I wasn’t clearer about that and I will fix it. That said, as I’ve based my opera mysteries on my real experiences, I can only say that worse things have happened, some during actual performances. People have literally DROPPED DEAD onstage (and in other places) and the show still goes on. I’m not making this up. That’s one of the reasons I write these stories. People have no idea what goes on back there!
That said, I will try and correct those beats to make them clearer and will also work on the others you mentioned. And I will read and critique your next assignment asap.
Have a great weekend, and thanks so much for your wonderfully helpful comments.
Erica
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I really love what you’ve done here, and I’m enjoying getting to know your characters. You’ve clarified them, their roles and characteristics so that the plot you previously wrote makes much more sense. The logline works especially well, too.
You also did a great job with Jay’s arc, the change, from hating his father to wanting/needing his love, really works.
For some reason, I couldn’t find Orlando’s World View other than the Change, but I really liked the Change. The same holds true for Erin (am I missing something?), though her traits and subtext definitely make her an intriguing character. Her mission almost makes her the heroine counterpart of Jay.
Rachel’s daughter heightens the drama and her motivation to solve the case. I also like the contrast between Holly and Erin, definitely not 2 peas coming from the same pod. I’m curious to learn how she progresses from naive to savvy.
Great job, Alan.
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Hey Alan,
I’m struggling with my beat sheet but will get to this as soon as I can.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Here are my comments on your Logline and one-page (suggestions only, of course). Keep in mind it’s much easier to critique someone else’s work than one’s own! Sorry for all the questions, too!
Logline: This is great. My only thought is that you could leave out the ‘missing girls’ since that is sufficiently alluded to in ‘a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring, which is usually about missing girls (Make sense?)
One-page:
A BLIND EYE (great title)
I think mostly you need to clarify the set up. Once the story gets going, things begin to make sense.
In introducing your main character, I don’t think you need to include the action line ‘A printer whirs out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch that matches and morphs into the face of’. I would start right out with ‘Denver Everyman, Jay, Crockett, seated in a restaurant.’ Then go from there with Jay and Holly, but I would be more specific about her, though I realize you want the reveal of who she really is to be more of a shocker later on. Then you bring in Blake, but we don’t know who he is. Something identifying him would help a lot. It also would help to say something like, ‘while Jay is in the restroom, Holly stops near the bar…’ The hostess sees Jay and Holly leave together, but where is Jay–still in the restroom? Does he find out Holly has left with this creep? How does he react? Did the hostess see Blake roofie Holly? Does she tell Jay? Does Jay know the hostess has called the police? Lots of unanswered questions. Since Jay is our main character, I think his actions/reactions are key to this opening. That would set up everything for what comes next.
Later, when Jay is sitting alone at the tavern, how does he react to Rolex Guy’s roofing Erin? When Jay stops the guy, how does he do it? Does he get hopping mad? What are the emotions involved? When and how do the detectives arrive? Is the Wanted sketch about Holly’s abduction? ‘Jay can’t explain the likeness…’ to himself? Is the reason he’s released because they can’t find evidence to charge him? You could clarify all these questions with a few key words. I know it’s obvious to you, but often a reader will want all of this to be crystal clear, especially in a one-page.
Now I have trouble with Jay abducting a runaway. So far it seems like he’s a good guy. Why would he abduct a young girl? It’s not clear until the paragraph where it is explained that Finn is the one who abducted Madison. Who is Finn? Could you say a guy who appears to be Jay abducts her? It’s kind of jarring for me, but maybe I’m being too nit-picky.
From here, the plot is much clearer. Though I’m a bit unclear about the first mention of Quinn—is she an FBI agent? It might help to say that briefly.
Other than that, I think you have the makings of an intriguing story that’s very contemporary and timely.
Hope this helps.
Erica
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Yes! What a great idea. Let’s do it!
Thanks,
Erica