Erin Danly
Forum Replies Created
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Erin’s Twists
What I learned from this assignment is: Twists don’t have to be huge, like the end of The Sixth Sense, they can be small but very effective, as long as they subvert expectations and change the direction of the scene.
(Setup: Richard has recently arrived in 2028 from the year 2055 and is still getting acclimated. At this point, he doesn’t know that another version of himself who was also sent back to this year from the future – Dick – is actually still alive in the past.)
Richard walks down a quiet side street, looking at street signs and trying to orient his map. He sees four men, JACKO, RV, BONE, and TIMMY – shady characters all – hanging out by an old 80s car, drinking and having a good time.
RICHARD
Hi! Hey, gentlemen. Can I have a moment of your time?
They all turn their attention to him and immediately get turn serious, exchanging glances with each other.
JACKO
You have a lot of balls.
RICHARD
Um, thank you. You have a lot of balls, too. So can you tell me how to get to the post office from here? I got this map at the Beach Emporium and it doesn’t have a lot of street names or actual information, just beaches and ice cream stands and other Beach Emporium locations. Which doesn’t really help me right now.
Richard holds out the useless map to Jacko who crosses his arms and doesn’t take his eyes off Richard. The enormous RV takes the map, crumples it up, puts it in his mouth and chews.
RICHARD
Ok.
JACKO
You were supposed to meet us 3 hours ago.
BONE (getting straight to the point)
Where’s our money?
RICHARD
Excuse me?
BONE
Don’t play dumb.
RICHARD (taking a couple steps back)
You know, I think I might just head –
Richard turns to leave but RV gets a hold of him in a gentle chokehold.
JACKO
You said we could trust you. But when you don’t show up for our meeting, when you don’t have our money, when you come here with this weird amnesia act… we can’t trust you. Can we trust you?
RICHARD
You know, gentlemen, I think you have me confused with someone else. I just got to town.
TIMMY
You smoking that wacky stuff again Dick?
RICHARD
No need for name calling.
JACKO
See what he’s got.
With Richard still in RV’s grasp, Timmy pats him down and checks his pockets for money. They’re empty. Timmy looks at Jacko and shakes his head.
JACKO
Looks like you’re coming with us. We can figure out a way for you to pay us back.
RV starts to hustle Richard to the car.
At the end of the street, a man who looks exactly like Richard but who’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and licking a soft serve cone walks by and sees what’s going on. He hides out of sight around the corner and narrows his eyes to see better. This is DICK, a version of Richard who was sent to this year from 2058.
At the car, RV opens the door and is trying to push Richard inside, but he’s struggling and trying to fight back against this behemoth.
RICHARD
Hey, no, if you think I’m not going to fight this, you are wrong! I am not going with you anywhere! Unless it’s to the post office!
Dick looks concerned. But he’s not concerned enough to stop eating ice cream.
RV finally gets Richard into the car.
JACKO
Wait. He can’t come with us now. We gotta go pick up my girl, remember? We don’t have room.
BONE (chiding in a sing-songy voice)
This wouldn’t be a problem if you got that 3-row SUV like I told you.
TIMMY
Shut up about the Telluride already, Bone. Damn. Just put him in the trunk.
BONE
The stuff’s in the trunk. You know… the stuff?
RV pulls Richard out of the car.
JACKO
Listen, we’re letting you go. For the night. But you will have our money for us tomorrow, right? Right?
RICHARD
Right.
JACKO
And if you don’t meet us here, same time, same place, we will find you.
RICHARD
You know where I live? But I don’t even know where I live.
TIMMY
He hit his head, that’s why he’s acting like this.
JACKO
But before we go, RV has a little goodnight message for you. Something so you don’t forget our meeting tomorrow.
Jacko, Bone, and Timmy get into the car while RV delivers his message.
RICHARD
Oh, really? I haven’t even heard the man speak. This will be interesting. RV, is it?
RV comes up close to Richard and looks at him seriously and silently. Then he punches Richard in the gut, hard. And again. When Richard collapses on the ground, RV knees him in the face.
Dick watches from around the corner, wincing, and licking his cone.
RV gets in the car and they drive off. Richard is doubled over in pain and trying to get his breath back. He curls up in a fetal position on the ground and closes his eyes.
Dick walks over to him and kneels down. When he touches Richard’s arm, Richard flinches.
DICK
Hey, buddy.
Richard opens his eyes and turns to Dick and is shocked at what he sees.
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Erin’s Dramatic Irony
What I learned from this assignment is: Dramatic irony is such a versatile tool. It can occur in a passing few moments or be the pretext for an entire movie (misunderstandings, farces). It can add incredible tension to a drama or a lot of humor to a comedy. It adds automatic subtext to what the characters say and do.
(Setup: Richard doesn’t know that Dick has some illegal firearms in the trunk of the car.)
Dick drives and Richard sits in the passenger’s seat, eating a baked potato with a plastic fork.
RICHARD
Hey, watch your speed, there’s a cop back there.
DICK
I’m barely going 10 over. 50 is basically 40.
The lights on the police officer’s car turn on.
RICHARD
Goddamnit! I just told you to slow down.
Dick slows to pull over to the side of the road and turns off the car. The cruiser stops a ways behind, lights still going.
DICK
Relax.
After a moment the POLICE OFFICER approaches. He stops behind the car and looks down towards the trunk. Dick watches him anxiously in the side view mirror. The officer comes to the driver’s side window and motions for Dick to roll it down.
DICK
Hello, Officer. What can I do you for?
POLICE OFFICER
Good afternoon. License and registration, please.
DICK
Of course.
Dick gets both and hands them over. The officer looks at them for a brief moment.
OFFICER
Do you know why I stopped you?
DICK
Why no, Officer, I –
RICHARD
He was speeding!
OFFICER
Your registration is out of date. See here?
DICK
Oh.
OFFICER
Yes, “oh.” This means you cannot drive this vehicle until the registration issue is taken care of.
DICK
What happens to the car?
OFFICER
It will be impounded. You can come collect it once you have proof of current registration.
RICHARD
Good job, Dick!
OFFICER
Excuse me?
DICK
That’s just my nickname, Officer. Nothing personal.
OFFICER
I’ll be right back. You stay right here.
DICK
Of course.
The officer starts to saunter back to his cruiser. When he’s just a few steps behind Dick’s car, Dick turns on the ignition and slams on the gas.
RICHARD
What the hell are you doing?!
Dick watches in the rearview mirror as the officer runs frantically to his car and starts pursuing them.
DICK
What did you want me to do? He was going to take the car, and we need it, don’t we? How else are we going to get to Shaz’s place?
Dick turns off the relatively empty road onto a busy road and zips in and out of traffic, followed by the cruiser.
RICHARD
We could have taken a cab. We could have taken a scooter. We could have taken a goddamn hot air balloon! But we can’t get to Shaz’s place if we’re locked up! JESUS!
DICK
Don’t worry. Cops don’t actually like high-speed pursuits because there’s such a high risk of something going tits up. I mean look right now, I could have just run those nuns over. Good thing they’re so alert. The State of Florida doesn’t want that to happen. So we just have to wait this guy out.
RICHARD
Are we even the same person?
Richard reaches over and holds his hand down on the horn of the steering wheel to warn more pedestrians milling about ahead.
Dick plucks Richard’s hand off the wheel.
DICK
Excuse me. Party foul.
Richard immediately tries to put his hand back on the horn and the two tussle.
RICHARD
Excuse me. I have a duty to warn these people that they’re in imminent danger.
DICK
Look at him back there, he’s frothing at the mouth, but you know what? I bet he’s having so much fun.
Dick comes to an intersection and takes a hard right. Before the cruiser has had time to turn the corner and see what Dick does next, he takes a hard left. This maneuver puts a good amount of distance between them and the officer.
Richard is thrown back and forth across the front seat.
RICHARD
Ow!
Richard is bleeding from the arm.
DICK
How the hell did that happen?
He sees a little blood on the tines of the plastic fork.
DICK
Who the hell eats a potato in a police chase?
RICHARD
I’M HUNGRY.
The cruiser is behind them again, but much further back. It’s joined by a second cruiser.
RICHARD
Jesus! Now there’s two of them! You said they’d call it off!
DICK
Just hang in there.
RICHARD
Why didn’t you just cooperate like a normal person? If we end up in jail tonight, I swear –
Dick gets onto a long two-way, six-lane bridge. Cresting over the top of it, they see three more police cruisers, all with lights on and sirens blaring, coming towards them.
RICHARD
This was a great plan, Dick. Great plan. What do we do now?
Dick doesn’t see a way out; he’s stuck on the bridge with two cruisers behind and three ahead. But he doesn’t slow down.
The three cruisers pass right by. The two cruisers that had been chasing them turn on a dime and join the three cruisers going in the other direction.
Dick turns to Richard and grins.
DICK
I told you. Relax.
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Erin’s Conflict
What I learned from this assignment is: The distinction between conflict and tension is interesting and I can see the checklist is going to be helpful moving forward.
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Jacinda enters the diner and anxiously scans the tables until she sees her husband at a booth. When she sees he’s relaxed, just building a little house out of plastic straws, her expression changes from worry to irritation.
She walks over and sits down across from him. She reaches for a menu but he reaches out a hand to stop her.
RICHARD
I already ordered for you, the usual.
JACINDA
Oh, okay. Did you also ask for –
A waitress comes over and places a soda in front of Jacinda.
JACINDA
(to the waitress)
Thanks.
She looks around for a clean, wrapped straw but there aren’t any. He reaches back across to the table behind to grab one.
RICHARD
(to the people at the table)
Excuse me, sorry.
He hands it to her.
JACINDA
So tell me, why am I here? This couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
RICHARD
I just wanted to see you. I don’t know, we left on bad terms earlier and I wanted to clear the air. To be on good terms before – before I go back to work tonight.
JACINDA
Waking me up and making me drive out here in the middle of the night is not the best way to do that.
RICHARD
Listen, I want a family. I do.
JACINDA
You sound so convincing.
RICHARD
I do. I really do. This is the right time in our lives to become parents.
JACINDA
So are you telling me you’ve changed your mind and we can start trying? Because if that’s right we should start right now. Like, now, now.
RICHARD
Right now, right now? No, no, no, no. I didn’t mean “this is the right time in our lives to become parents” like “now, now, now,” but more like, “this is the season – and it’s a pretty long season – this is the season of life where people our age and in a similar situation become parents, and we should consider it, too, along with many other considerations.”
Jacinda exhales out of her nose, irritated.
The waitress drops off plates in front of each of them: A patty melt for him and a gyro for her.
JACINDA
I can’t keep apologizing for the rest of my life, Richard.
Richard takes a bite of his patty melt.
RICHARD
Oh my god.
JACINDA
Yes, you heard me. You keep holding it over my head like it’s an unforgiveable sin, and you know what? What, what is it?
RICHARD
(examining his patty melt)
I specifically said no tomato. Come on, how many times have I come here, and they put tomato on my patty melt? I know she’s new but I told her, I said write it down, I don’t like tomato. Come on.
JACINDA
Just take the tomato off.
RICHARD
Yeah, easy for you to say. Then the whole thing still has a tomato-y flavor.
JACINDA
So send it back.
RICHARD
There’s no time. I have to be back at the CO’s office in (checks watch) less than 10 minutes. Just my luck.
Jacinda stands up. She grabs her gyro and throws it onto his plate.
JACINDA
Here. No tomato. Okay? Now you can stop sulking like a little boy. And you can also decide if you want to forgive me, truly forgive me, and start a family together, or if you just can’t find it in your heart. I’m sick of this. We aren’t partners anymore, I’m your inferior, waiting for your command. I’m sick of it. I’m not going to apologize for the rest of my life. You have until tomorrow morning to decide. I’m not putting my life on hold any longer.
Jacinda walks out.
Richard sighs. Then he opens the gyro to make sure there’s no tomato. (There’s not.)
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Erin’s Dramatic Choices
What I learned from this assignment is: Not every scene was what I’d consider “dramatic.” To me, a scene that’s described as dramatic must have some kind of important tension in it, and it raises the question “what’s going to happen?” or “what will happen next/later?” There were several scenes, or parts of scenes, that didn’t fit that description but they were still engaging and entertaining and some had important exposition in them. Just because I want to keep watching something, that doesn’t mean – to me – that it’s dramatic.
Stalag 17 (1953)
1. Opens with a prison guard walking with German Shepherds and guards on a watch tower at night in a German WW2 POW prison camp
2. Men in their bunks waiting for the right moment to help 2 bunkmates escape
3. Men carrying out the escape plan: covering the windows to block the search light, move the furnace to reveal the escape tunnel, go over the plan with the escapees
4. Escapees go out through the tunnel, crawl and run to try to get out of the camp, with the searchlight still going and the guards with guns
5. Main character, Sefton, takes bets on whether the men will make it out alive or not
6. The escapees get to the outer fence to find 3 guards waiting for them who start machine gunning them
7. The next morning at roll call the dead bodies are lying in the mud in the middle of the compound
8. The movie’s merciless antagonist, the Kommandant, addresses the prisoners
9. Animal (a comic relief character) throws something in a puddle in front of the Kommandant, splashing him, and when asked who did it, after a pause all the prisoners take a step forward
10. The men fight with each other (verbally) as they clean up for breakfast; one announces that he thinks there’s a stool pigeon in the bunk who told the Germans about the escape plan
11. The men line up at the wire fence to get a look at the Russian women in the compound next door and Animal falls over beyond the line and the guard whistles at him
12. While the other men eat disgusting soup for breakfast, Sefton cooks up a fresh egg he says he got from trading cigarettes, but this makes the men jealous and suspicious of him; it ends with a heated argument and almost a fistfight
13. The guy who comes in for mail call smuggles in a contraband radio
14. Inside, listening to the contraband radio, they get bad news about the war (the Germans are doing well)
15. Outside, men play volleyball and need to divert a German guard’s attention from the antenna wire hooked up to the radio inside
16. The German guard Schulz gets all the men out of the barracks and sees a signal – a looped up lightbulb wire – and goes to get a hidden message out of the queen on the chessboard underneath; it’s now confirmed that there is indeed a stool pigeon in the barracks, but we don’t know who it is [right around the 30 minute mark is where I think it breaks from Act I into Act II]
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Sorry this is so late – I’ve had a hard time with the plotting, and it gets fuzzy in the 3<sup>rd</sup> act as you can see. I welcome any feedback and suggestions and promise to return feedback on your outline!
Concept: Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, two versions of the same special forces expert – one uptight, the other easygoing – must team up to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.
Plot Choice: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
Main Characters: Richard, an uptight and by-the-book special forces expert in the Space Force in 2055; Dick, who is Richard but from the year 2058 who is laidback and more of a wild card; Shaz, an American billionaire in competition with Dunya, a Russian billionaire, to start the first viable space tourism company in the year 2028
Dramatic Question: Will our hero be able to carry out his mission and prevent a devastating nuclear world war in the future?
Main Conflict: The tension between the two different versions of the same special forces expert who must work together despite their differences, buddy-cop style – one is an uptight rule follower while the other is a lackadaisical wild card.
Dilemma: Richard can remain the stubborn, inflexible person he is and lose his marriage or give up some control and open himself up to failure
Theme: Sometimes you need to give up control or you’ll lose what you have [not sure the best way to express this; I welcome input]
Character Arc: Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
Structure (9 beats):
#1. OPENING – In the year 2055, a Space Forces special forces expert, Richard, leads troops on a training exercise
#2. INCITING INCIDENT – Richard is sent back in time to 2028 on a special mission to track down and disarm a rogue nuclear weapon that’s destined to start WW3
#3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
#4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers that another version of himself, who was sent back from 2058, is actually alive, and they team up to track down the nuke together.
#5. MID POINT – Richard wants to know why & how Dick is so different from himself, and Dick admits his/their wife leaves them because he won’t change his ways; Richard is devastated by the news.
#6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Richard and Dick discover a stockpile of nuclear weapons – but not the nuke they’re after – in the compound of Shaz, a billionaire in competition with another billionaire, Dunya, to start the first viable space tourism company
#7. CRISIS – Discover that Dunya actually has the nuke and it’s going to be transported to the moon on her next private rocket launch, which is tomorrow morning
#8. CLIMAX – Showdown at the rocket launch site where Richard & Dick need to disarm and remove the nuclear weapon before the launch, and they succeed.
#9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline in 2055 and is able to save his marriage now that he’s a changed man. WW3 is averted (at least for now).
Essence Only Outline v1:
1. EXT./INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, BUNKER – DAY
In the year 2055, a small team of Space Force special forces troops carry out a training exercise with Richard leading them.
2. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, DEBRIEFING ROOM – DAY
Richard debriefs the team after the exercise.
3. INT. AUCTION ROOM
2028: In a small auction room of half a dozen bidders, a rogue nuclear warhead is auctioned off and the person who loses out to the eventual winner is not happy.
4. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – DAY
In the year 2028, a Richard lookalike in a Hawaiian shirt eats ice cream while watching a rocket launch.
5. INT. RICHARD’S HOME – NIGHT
Richard comes home to his wife after work and it’s clear their marriage is strained. Richard’s Commanding Officer (CO) calls him back to the base.
6. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, CO’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Richard’s CO tells Richard he’s going on a special time travel mission back to 2028 to locate and disarm a rogue nuclear weapon that is known to be the catalyst that starts WW3 in a few years’ time. The CO also tells Richard that this is not the first time he is being sent back – another version of him, in 2058, was also sent back, but presumed dead since the mission wasn’t accomplished.
7. INT. ALL-NIGHT DINER – NIGHT
Richard meets with his wife at a diner near the base to say goodbye and try to leave things on a good note, but it fails and they part strained.
8. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, LAB – NIGHT
Richard is sent back in time.
9. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL – DAY
Richard arrives in 2028 and gets his bearings in this old-timey world.
10. INT./EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL – DAY [TBD]
Richard starts his investigation using a lead from his CO. [TBD]
11. INT. AUCTIONEER’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The auctioneer from earlier talks to the highest bidder on the nuclear warhead – Shaz, an eccentric American billionaire – about payment and delivery.
12. EXT. COCOA BEACH STREETS – NIGHT
Richard encounters some criminal types who ask him where their money is and beat him up a little. The Richard lookalike in a Hawaiian shirt watches from around a corner and finally goes to help Richard once the criminals are gone.
13. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
This lookalike is Dick, the version of Richard from 2058, and Richard is shocked and elated to find out he’s still alive. Dick helps Richard get settled for the night in his apartment in Cocoa Beach (near Cape Canaveral) and says they’ll talk in the morning.
14. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
The next morning, Richard and Dick start to clash already. Richard is rigid and stubborn while Dick is more of a wild card.
15. INT. ARCADE – DAY
Dick takes Richard to an old-timey arcade for “target practice” on an old arcade game and they discuss what they know about the rogue nuke. They know it ends up on the moon and detonates there in 2059, breaking the 1967 Outer Space Treaty and causing an international diplomatic catastrophe that sets off WW3.
16. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
Richard calls Dick in for a briefing and goes over possible leads: governments with active space programs (US, Russia, China) or three billionaires in competition to start the first viable space tourism company with a presence on the moon (Shaz, American; Dunya, Russian; and Wang Lei, Chinese). Dick has a plan to infiltrate a party being hosted by Dunya at her Miami mansion the following weekend.
17. EXT. DUNYA’S MIAMI MANSION, POOL PATIO – DAY
Richard and Dick, in matching vests, are tending bar on the pool patio at Dunya’s swanky pool party filled with celebs and other rich people. They meet Shaz, the American billionaire in competition with Dunya to start the first viable space tourism company.
18. INT. DUNYA’S MIAMI MANSION, STUDY – DAY
Dick talks to a guest and by pretending to be a fellow billionaire, he gets a good lead: this person’s brother was recently at a secretive, high-money auction where the only thing that sold for more money than a stolen Picasso was a nuclear weapon.
19. TBD
The nuke is intercepted and stolen by another party. [TBD]
20. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels to Dubai.
21. INT. BIDDER’S HOME, DUBAI – DAY
Richard and Dick talk to the man who was at the auction to get information – they find out who the auctioneer was and where to find him.
22. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels to Geneva.
23. INT. AUCTIONEER’S OFFICE, GENEVA – DAY
Richard and Dick meet with the auctioneer who is reluctant to divulge information about the last auction. They take the hard disk/thumb drive with the info on it they need and leave.
24. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels back to Miami. On the way they look at the info on the hard disk/thumb drive and discover Shaz bought the nuke in question and decide to go to her place.
25. EXT. MIAMI – DAY
On their drive to Shaz’s compound in the Florida Keys, a cop stops Dick for minor speeding and Dick takes them on a high-speed chase, pissing Richard off, and eventually loses the police.
26. EXT. BEACH – DAY
Stopping at a beach on the way, Dick helps dress an injury on Richard’s face and they have a heart-to-heart about why Dick is so different from Richard and what happened. Dick confesses that in 2056, his/their wife leaves him/them because he won’t change, and this news hits Richard like a ton of bricks.
27. EXT./INT. SHAZ’S ESTATE, FLORIDA KEYS – NIGHT
Richard & Dick break into Shaz’s empty compound and snoop around. Richard discovers a bunker with several nuclear warheads, already disarmed so they can’t be detonated, but not the one they’re after.
28. INT. SHAZ’S ESTATE – NIGHT
Richard & Dick ambush Shaz later demanding answers, but she tells them the nuke in question never arrived and she doesn’t know where it is. Richard & Dick get a lead that makes them believe Dunya has the nuke, and they have to get back to Cape Canaveral before the next morning’s rocket launch.
29. TBD – NIGHT
The nuke is secretly being loaded onto the rocket.
30. TBD – DAY
Travel back to Cape Canaveral early the next morning [TBD – by boat, plane, helicopter? Shaz helping them.]
31. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL LAUNCH SITE – DAY
Exact locations & sequence of events TBD. Final climax showdown & big action set piece. Richard & Dick have to break into the secured launch site area and retrieve the nuke from the rocket while fighting off Dunya’s henchmen. Face-to-face showdown with Dunya where she admits everything. Richard & Dick succeed.
32. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL LAUNCH SITE – LATER
Dunya is taken away, Shaz thanks Richard & Dick for what they’ve done. Richard and Dick part on good terms – Dick staying in 2028, and Richard going back to 2055.
33. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, CO’S OFFICE – DAY
Back in 2055, Richard talks to his CO and it’s clear he’s a changed man for the better.
34. INT. RICHARD’S HOUSE – DAY
Richard reunites with his wife and says/does something symbolic that shows how he’s changed, and it’s clear their marriage will last.
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I WELCOME FEEDBACK AND ANYONE WHO GIVES FEEDBACK ON MINE, I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR! I had a hard time working all this out (time travel stories lead to a lot of potential plot holes), hence posting so late, and I would really value any input. Post feedback here or feel free to email me at danlyerin (at) yahoo (dot) com. Thanks!!
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Erin’s Story Logic Web v2:
Logline/Concept: A stubborn, by-the-book special forces expert must team up with a lazy, fun-loving version of himself – both of whom traveled back in time to 2028 – to track down a rogue nuclear warhead destined to start WW3.
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 and is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the British-born American tech billionaire whose wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Vlad, the Russian real estate/tech billionaire who also wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and whom we find out has the rogue nuke in question
Plot/Structure: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
1. OPENING – The year 2055: Richard, member of the special forces of the Space Force, also known as the “nuke troops,” leads a team of young troops on what turns out to be an exercise. He’s a stubborn, uptight, by-the-book kind of guy. At home, we see that Richard’s marriage is strained and he can’t forgive his wife for a brief fling she had 12 years ago.
2. INCITING INCIDENT – As a trained nuke expert with knowledge of the future, Richard is sent back to 2028 to carry out his top secret mission of locating a rogue nuke that is destined to start WW3 and disarming/destroying it in order to save millions of lives in the future.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers Dick (who is himself, but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 from the year 2058) is actually alive – not dead, as Richard’s CO expected – and they team up to track down the nuke, but Dick is resistant to helping.
5. MID POINT – Richard shows Dick that Shaz, a British-born American tech billionaire who is trying to establish a space tourism company, is stockpiling nukes, which leads Richard to believe Shaz has the rogue warhead they’re after. Dick finally agrees to help Richard. Shaz admits she had purchased the rogue nuke but it was stolen from her en route and she doesn’t know where it is.
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – After tracking down the nuke to Russian billionaire Vlad and his bad guys, Dick is taken hostage (since Vlad doesn’t realize there are two of them, so he doesn’t pursue Richard). Richard is on his own to free Dick and to get his hands on the nuke, which Vlad plans to launch into space on the next rocket launch in a few days.
7. CRISIS – Richard finally locates Dick, who confesses that in late 2055, his/their wife leaves them. Richard has to face the truth, that if he carries on as he is, he WILL lose his wife. His dilemma is to let go of his stubborn ways in order to become the man his wife needs him to be, right at the moment he’s engaged in the most high stakes military operation of his life, or to carry on in his ways and surely lose his wife. He finally decides to trust Dick and do things his way for a while and stop being so controlling.
8. CLIMAX – The Russian’s rocket launch with the nuke onboard. Richard, Dick & Shaz need to make sure the launch is sabotaged and recover the nuke. Vlad and his team are trying to ensure it goes off without a hitch.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose!
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will Richard be able to track down the rogue nuclear weapon and prevent it from ending up on the moon, which eventually starts WW3?
Main Conflict: Richard, the stubborn and by-the-book protag, has to team up with another version of himself who is an easygoing, lazy wildcard more interested in perfecting his tan than saving the world, to carry out the mission.
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: Sometimes you have to let go and be more flexible to get what you want.
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Erin’s Pass 2: Story logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is: This took an extremely long time to do but was a helpful and necessary process to work out the problems now rather than down the line.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: Logline/Concept: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 but is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the eccentric tech billionaire entrepreneur whose new goal is to establish the first successful space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Plot/Structure: #9 Underdog: Protag vs Antag where protag is at a disadvantage.
1. OPENING – Richard, a stubborn and uptight cop/special agent in the year 2055; we see him engaged in some action sequence which I haven’t figured out yet…
2. INCITING INCIDENT – Dick (looks like Richard’s twin; later we discover it’s actually Richard from a different point in time) watches a rocket launch in Florida in 2028. It goes off without a hitch.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard travels back in time to 2028 to find Dick and together, carry out the mission to stop WW3
5. MID POINT – Dick finally tells Richard what’s going on – they’ve been set up by their Captain and he’s been sabotaging Richard’s plans
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Captain and a band of Russians show up from the future with a mission of their own – to kill Shaz and to get rid of Richard and Dick.
7. CRISIS – The dilemma is here, where Richard maybe has to choose between what needs to be done and what he wants, details TBD
8. CLIMAX – The rocket launch – Richard & Dick want to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Captain & his bad guys want to sabotage it and/or kill Shaz and along the way knock off Richard and Dick, too. This is the big action set piece at the end.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose.
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will our hero be able to carry out his mission and prevent a devastating nuclear world war in the future?
Main Conflict: The hero (a cop who’s traveled back in time) has to team up with another version of himself (who also traveled back in time) to carry out the mission, but this other version is more interested in relaxing and having fun than in saving the world
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: It’s never too late to change
3. DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
The plot and structure were the things that needed the most work, by far. The theme was also too vague and non-specific. I needed to add another character to be the real bad guy of the story. Plus, I’ve changed the protag from being a regular cop to being a member of a nuclear-weapon-focused special forces team of Space Force, which presumably in the future will play an important role. The concept, other lead characters, main conflict, and dramatic question were fine as is.
4. AFTER
Concept: Logline/Concept: A stubborn, by-the-book special forces expert travels back in time to 2028 and must team up with another, lazy and fun-loving version of himself – who also traveled back in time – to track down a rogue nuclear warhead destined to start WW3.
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 but is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the British-born American tech billionaire whose wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Vlad, the Russian real estate/tech billionaire who also wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and whom we find out has the rogue nuke in question
Plot/Structure: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
1. OPENING – The year 2055: Richard, member of the special forces of the Space Force, also known as the “nuke troops,” leads a team of young troops on what turns out to be an exercise. He’s a stubborn, uptight, by-the-book kind of guy.
2. INCITING INCIDENT – As a trained nuke expert with knowledge of the future, Richard is sent back to 2028 to carry out his mission of locating a rogue nuke that is destined to start WW3 and disarming/destroying it.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers Dick (who is himself, but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 from the year 2058) is actually alive – not dead, as Richard’s CO expected – and they team up to track down the nuke, but Dick is resistant to helping.
5. MID POINT – Richard shows Dick that Shaz, a British-born American tech billionaire who is trying to establish a space tourism company, is actually stockpiling nukes, which leads Richard to believe Shaz has the rogue warhead. Dick finally agrees to help Richard.
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – After tracking down the nuke to Russian billionaire Vlad and his bad guys, Dick is taken hostage (since Vlad doesn’t realize there are two of them, so he doesn’t pursue Richard).
7. CRISIS – Richard finally locates Dick, who confesses that in late 2055, his/their wife leaves them. Richard has to face the truth, that if he carries on as he is, he WILL lose his wife. His dilemma is to let go of his stubborn ways in order to become the man his wife needs him to be, right at the moment he’s engaged in the most high stakes military operation of his life, or to carry on in his ways and surely lose his wife. He finally decides to trust Dick and do things his way for a while and stop being so controlling.
8. CLIMAX – The Russian’s rocket launch with the nuke onboard. Richard, Dick & Shaz need to make sure the launch is sabotaged and recover the nuke. Vlad and his team are trying to ensure it goes off without a hitch.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose!
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will Richard be able to track down the rogue nuclear weapon and prevent it from ending up on the moon, which eventually starts WW3?
Main Conflict: Richard, the stubborn and by-the-book protag, has to team up with another version of himself who is an easygoing, lazy wildcard more interested in perfecting his tan than saving the world, to carry out the mission.
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: Sometimes you have to let go and be more flexible to get what you want.
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Erin’s 1st Pass
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: I kept putting off really having to think about what the meat of the story would be about until necessary, and this assignment made it necessary. It took a long time and I’m not entirely happy, especially since most of these scenes are too vague and fuzzy and I don’t even have that many to begin with, but at least it’s something and I think it’s more important to move forward at this point. Also, I really like this approach of adding in scenes to a structure. Very clever.
1. Concept/Logline: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
2. Plot/Plot Summary: #9 Underdog. Protagonist vs. antagonist in a power struggle. The protagonist is not equally matched but faces worse odds to succeed.
3. Structure:
1. OPENING – Richard, a stubborn and uptight cop/special agent in the year 2055; we see him engaged in some action sequence which I haven’t figured out yet…
2. INCITING INCIDENT – Dick (looks like Richard’s twin; later we discover it’s actually Richard from a different point in time) watches a rocket launch in Florida in 2028. It goes off without a hitch.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard travels back in time to 2028 to find Dick and together, carry out the mission to stop WW3
5. MID POINT – Dick finally tells Richard what’s going on – they’ve been set up by their Captain and he’s been sabotaging Richard’s plans
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Captain and a band of Russians show up from the future with a mission of their own – to kill Shaz and to get rid of Richard and Dick.
7. CRISIS – The dilemma is here, where Richard maybe has to choose between what needs to be done and what he wants, details TBD
8. CLIMAX – The rocket launch – Richard & Dick want to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Captain & his bad guys want to sabotage it and/or kill Shaz and along the way knock off Richard and Dick, too. This is the big action set piece at the end.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose.
4. Protagonist Character Arc: Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
5. Plot in Structure:
OPENING – Richard, a stubborn and uptight cop/special agent in the year 2055; we see him engaged in some action sequence which I haven’t figured out yet…
1. TRAINING – DAY
Starts with an operation of special forces trying to capture a man and prevent him from detonating a nuke. It’s a tense situation and Richard blows the whole thing by being too by-the-book rather than reading the situation and going with it. It turns out to be a training exercise. Talks with his Captain afterwards.
2. WORK – DAY
After the training exercise, Richard gets lunch in the cafeteria with others. Something happens with his food, eg he gets 4 meatballs instead of the usual 5, and he makes a big deal about it instead of letting it go.
3. RICHARD’S HOME – DAY
Richard picks an argument with his wife and it’s clear they’ve had this same fight 1000 times. His wife had a brief fling with a coworker 12 years ago and he still can’t get over it and says that’s the reason he doesn’t want to move forward with starting a family, despite her sincerely apologizing.
INCITING INCIDENT – Dick (looks like Richard’s twin; later we discover it’s actually Richard from a different point in time) watches a rocket launch in Florida in 2028. It goes off without a hitch.
END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard travels back in time to 2028 to find Dick and together, carry out the mission to stop WW3
4. CITY – DAY
Richard locates Dick and tries to talk Dick into getting back on track and helping him with the mission. Richard is aghast when he sees Dick cut corners and lie to get things done rather than play by the rules, which is what Richard always does and has always done. [a few of these types of scenes, not sure of the specifics yet]
5. APARTMENT – NIGHT
An Odd Couple scene, where Richard has his particular way of doing something and he has no patience for Dick and the female roommate doing it the “wrong” way
MID POINT – Dick finally tells Richard what’s going on – they’ve been set up by their Captain and he’s been sabotaging Richard’s plans
6. APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dick also finally tells Richard something he shouldn’t tell him about the future: his (their) wife left him (them). Dick says he’s finally the man she always wanted, but he had to lose her to become that way. Richard is devastated to hear this. He never thought she’d leave and still can’t see that his stubbornness drove her to it.
7. CITY – DAY
Dick is pulled over by a cop while driving and they have a bunch of illegal firearms in the trunk (Richard finds out later) so instead of talking to the cop and showing license and registration, Dick takes off and gets into a high speed chase with the cop, and gets away, while Richard has an apoplectic fit.
END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Captain and a band of Russians show up from the future with a mission of their own – to kill Shaz and to get rid of Richard and Dick.
8. CITY – NIGHT
Dick has a plan to get to Captain and the Russians but Richard shoots it down and says no. They’ll do it his way. His way fails.
CRISIS – The dilemma is here, where Richard maybe has to choose between what needs to be done and what he wants, details TBD
CLIMAX – The rocket launch – Richard & Dick want to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Captain & his bad guys want to sabotage it and/or kill Shaz and along the way knock off Richard and Dick, too. This is the big action set piece at the end.
9. CITY – NIGHT
Richard finally trusts Dick and for once goes with his plan all the way and doesn’t insist on doing it his way.
RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose.
10. RICHARD’S HOME – DAY
Richard apologizes to wife, says he’s ready to get a bigger house and start a family, he’s sorry. He gives her a gift to symbolize being ready for the next step.
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Erin’s Favorite Movie Outline
What I learned doing this assignment is: Wow, there are a LOT of scenes in a movie, especially in the last third where the scenes get shorter and shorter and the pace speeds up. It was interesting to see how sequences were constructed here, especially with the use of music and night vs day. Also, there’s so much emphasis on writing main characters who grow and change over the course of the movie, but successful movies don’t require that. In this movie, Axel F is actually the change agent, and he causes other people (Taggart, Bogomil, and Rosewood) to change, while he stays the same from start to finish.
Dramatic question: Will Axel Foley find out who’s responsible for the murder of his childhood friend Mikey and bring them to justice?
Main conflict: Axel breaks the rules to get things done, but he needs to work with the by-the-book cops of Beverly Hills to accomplish his mission.
Dilemma: Axel’s boss back in Detroit repeatedly says that Axel will lose his job if he investigates Mikey’s murder, so Axel’s choice is between keeping his job in Detroit or finding his friend’s killer.
Theme: Sometimes it’s better to break the rules rather than follow them.
BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984, action comedy) OUTLINE
EXT. DETROIT, VARIOUS – DAY @0:00
Detroit establishing shots, working class white & black people & Neighborhoods, factories, abandoned buildings
EXT. ALLEY – DAY @02:35
A guy trying to sell a truckload of cigarettes illegally. Cops show up and everyone flees.
EXT. STREETS OF DETROIT, VARIOUS – CONTINUOUS @5:30
A chase ensues, wreaking havoc all over the streets of Detroit. Chase ends and cops recognize the guy – it’s Axel Foley.
INT. POLICE STATION, VARIOUS (DESKS, LOCKER ROOM/BATHROOM) – DAY @08:20
Coworker Jeffrey ribs Axel; his boss chews him out and threatens him – one more screw up and he’s out.
INT. AXEL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT @11:07
Axel discovers his old friend Mikey in his apartment. He’s out of prison 6 months now and shows Axel stolen bearer bonds
INT. BAR – NIGHT @13:30 and jump @14:40 to show time has passed
Playing pool & drinking. Exposition – Mikey was working in Beverly Hills at their mutual friend Jenny’s art gallery.
INT. AXEL’S APARTMENT HALLWAY – NIGHT @16:00
About to enter the apartment, they’re jumped by 2 guys – the guys Mikey stole the bearer bonds from. Axel’s knocked out. Mikey is shot in the head.
EXT. AXEL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT – @17:40
Cops, etc., outside to investigate the homicide. Axel’s boss tells him to stay away from this case or he’ll lose his job. Axel asks to take his vacation time now.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS, VARIOUS – DAY @19:40
Establishing shots of Beverly Hills: Blue skies, palm trees, gated mansions, famous landmarks, Rodeo drive. So different from the Detroit we saw in the opening credits.
EXT/INT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – DAY @21:00
Axel cons his way into a room even though they are totally full and he has no reservation.
EXT/INT ART GALLERY – DAY @23:20
Axel walks to Jenny’s art gallery. Meets Serge (comic relief). Exposition: Jenny got Mikey a job with Victor Maitland at the gallery warehouse.
INT. VICTOR MAITLAND’S OFFICE – DAY @27:40
Axel pushes his way into Victor Maitland’s office and tries to question him about Mikey but after some polite conversation, he’s ejected by security, literally thrown through the window onto the street.
EXT. VICTOR MAITLAND’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS @30:00
Cops show up and arrest him. (Maitland is well connected and powerful.)
EXT/INT COP CAR – DAY @31:00
Drive to police station.
INT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION, VARIOUS – DAY @31:40
Axel is taken out of his jail cell through the station (much nicer than the station in Detroit!) to detectives Taggart and Rosewood. Captain Bogomil questions Axel, who insists he’s just on vacation.
EXT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT @36:00
Jenny bails Axel out.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREETS – NIGHT @36:50
Jenny drives Axel. Exposition: Victor Maitland is highly respected and she doesn’t believe he could be involved in Mikey’s murder. Axel sees that they’re being followed by cops.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @37:50
Taggart & Rosewood pull up across the street from the hotel.
INT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL, AXEL’S ROOM – NIGHT @38:00
Axel shows off his suite to Jenny. He orders food to the cops parked across the street.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @39:20
Waiter delivers food to Taggart & Rosewood in the car.
INT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL, BUFFET – NIGHT @39:50
Axel gets a couple bananas from the buffet.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @40:10
Taggart rejects the food; Rosewood accepts it. Axel sneaks up while they’re distracted and sticks the bananas in the car’s tail pipe. Jenny and Axel drive off; Taggart & Rosewood try to follow but the car stalls.
EXT./INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT @41:00
Jenny lets him in to the warehouse where Mikey had been security. While they’re there, there’s a delivery and they see bearer bonds being taken out of a crate.
EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT @43:45
They get in Jenny’s Mercedes and follow the delivery guys.
INT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – NIGHT @44:05
Bogomil chews out Taggart & Rosewood for losing the tail on Axel. They’re told to go back to the hotel and wait for Axel.
EXT. BONDED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT @45:15
Jenny & Axel follow the delivery guys van to a warehouse where art shipments are held ‘til they clear customs. Axel tells Jenny to go home, he’s going to investigate; Jenny warns she won’t bail him out again.
INT. BONDED WAREHOUSE – CONTINUOUS @46:00
Axel hops the fence to get in. He demands to see the supervisor by showing his badge & being pushy.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @47:10
Taggart & Rosewood wait in the car.
INT. BONDED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT @47:30
Axel cons his way, pretending to be from US Customs, to talk to the supervisor and says they’re going to go through the paperwork for every single crate in the warehouse.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @48:20
Taggart & Rosewood wait in the car. Comic relief. (“You eat a lot of red meat.”)
INT. BONDED WAREHOUSE, OFFICE – NIGHT @48:40
In the office, everyone is doing what Axel wants and when a guy questions him, he unleashes on him.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @49:35
Taggart & Rosewood wait in the car. Axel gets into their back seat and scares them. He suggests they all get a drink together and make up and be friends.
INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT @51:35
At a strip club, Axel stops an armed robbery from happening, with Taggart’s help; it’s the first time Taggart trusts Axel.
INT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – NIGHT @55:50
Axel lies and tells Bogomil the “supercop” story about what took place. Taggart tells the truth. Taggart & Rosewood are taken off the case and reprimanded.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – DAY @58:08
The new cops wait outside the hotel and follow Axel when he leaves.
EXT. VICTOR MAITLAND MANSION – DAY @59:15
Axel stands outside and talks to the cops. He sees Victor’s car leave the estate and follows it. Cops follow him.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREETS – DAY @1:01:10
Axel loses the cops by waiting until the light turns red to go through the intersection.
EXT./INT. CLUB ENTRANCE – DAY @1:02:00
Axel follows Victor into the club. Cons his way to get inside the dining room. (Herpes simplex 10.)
INT. CLUB – DAY @1:04:10
In the main dining room, Axel threatens Victor, gets in a fist fight with Mikey’s killer, and is arrested again.
INT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:06:35
Axel finally tells Bogomil why he’s in town and tells them what he knows about the bonds, etc. Bogomil’s boss shows up and chews him out. Axel is told to leave the city limits immediately.
INT. ART GALLERY – DAY @1:11:20
Victor & Mikey’s killer show up and Victor talks to Jenny about Axel, “casually.” She lies and says she doesn’t know as much as she does.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:13:20
Rosewood has to drive Axel to city limits. Axel tries to convince him to take him to the gallery so he can go to the warehouse.
INT. ROSEWOOD’S CAR – DAY @1:13:45
Axel finally convinces Rosewood to take him.
INT. ART GALLERY – DAY @1:14:30
Jenny insists on coming to the warehouse with them, over Axel’s objections.
EXT/INT ROSEWOOD’S CAR – DAY @1:15:25
Axel insists that Rosewood stay in the car while he goes inside. Jenny insists on coming too.
EXT./INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY @1:16:10
Jenny and Axel go inside. (Jenny is along so Axel has someone to explain things to for the benefit of the audience.) They poke around and he finds drugs. Two guys come up and point guns at their heads.
EXT/INT ROSEWOOD’S CAR – DAY @1:17:40
Rosewood sits anxiously in his car, sees a car full of guys in dark suits including Victor Maitland go inside. He stays where he is, like Axel told him.
INT WAREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY @1:17:55
Victor and his entourage enter the office where Axel and Jenny are being held at gunpoint. He’s pissed.
EXT/INT ROSEWOOD’S CAR – DAY @1:19:30
Rosewood sits in his car, sees Jenny being put in the back of Victor’s car. He’s conflicted.
INT WAREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY @1:19:40
Axel is held at gunpoint and there’s no way out! Mikey’s killer taunts Axel by telling him he did it, then punches him. Victor leaves, with the understanding that Axel be killed.
EXT/INT ROSEWOOD’S CAR – DAY @1:20:55
Rosewood sits in his car, sees Victor leave but no Axel. He finally gets out of the car.
INT WAREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY @1:21:30
The guys continue to taunt and beat Axel.
INT WAREHOUSE – DAY @1:21:45
Rosewood enters the warehouse and draws his gun. Shoot out with the bad guys. Rosewood and Axel escape.
EXT. WAREHOUSE – CONTINUOUS @1:22:20
They get to Rosewood’s car and drive away quickly.
CROSSCUT WITH BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION
Taggart and Rosewood talk. Rosewood tells Taggart to check out the warehouse.
INT BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:23:00
Taggart tells the second set of cops to check out Victor Maitland’s house.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:23:30
Taggart arrives as Axel is breaking into Victor’s gated garden and tells him to stop. Axel and Rosewood break the rules and go in anyway, and Taggart begrudgingly follows.
INT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:25:05
Security guards see activity on the monitors.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:25:15
The three cops sneaking through the garden towards the house.
INT BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:25:25
Bogomil wonders where everyone is.
INT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:25:40
Victor watches what’s going on on the security camera monitors.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:26:00
The three cops sneaking through the garden towards the house.
INT BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:26:30
Bogomil asks to locate Taggart and Rosewood.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:26:35
Taggart & Rosewood try to get over the wall to the house (comically). Axel is getting closer to the house.
INT BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:27:10
Bogomil is pissed that Taggart and Rosewood aren’t answering and are parked at Maitland’s house.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:27:35
Taggart finally gets over the wall to the house. Shoot out ensues with all three but they’re fine.
INT BEVERLY HILLS POLICE STATION – DAY @1:29:30
Bogomil orders backup support for the cops to Maitland’s house.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:29:50
More shooting at Taggart and Rosewood.
INT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE, VACRIOUS – DAY @1:30:15
Axel finally makes it inside. Gets into a chasing, shooting match with Mikey’s killer.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:31:15
Taggart and Rosewood still being shot at.
INT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE, VARIOUS – DAY @1:31:55
Axel shoots Mikey’s killer dead. (Yay!) He’s then shot in the shoulder by Victor.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE, GATE – DAY @1:32:55
Cops arrive on the scene.
INT/EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:33:05
The security guys who had been watching the monitors GTFO.
EXT VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE, GATE – DAY @1:33:10
Cops drive thru gate, blocked by the van of the security guys trying to escape. All the cops (a lot of them) get out.
INT. VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE, VARIOUS – DAY @1:33:45
Final stand-off – Victor holds Jenny at gunpoint. Bogomil shows up and he and Axel shot at Victor multiple times. The dude is dead.
EXT. VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – DAY @1:34:30
Rosewood finally tells the remaining bad guys they are under arrest.
EXT. VICTOR MAITLAND’S HOUSE – LATER @1:34:50
Bogomil’s boss shows up and is pissed. Bogomil gives a bogus report to explain it all to get Axel (and everyone else) off the hook. Taggart backs up the fake report.
INT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @1:38:45
Axel checks out of the hotel. Taggart & Rosewood show up to make sure that Axel actually leaves town. They pay his hotel bill.
EXT. BEVERLY PALM HOTEL – NIGHT @1:40:25
Axel is about to leave. Taggart agrees that he & Rosewood can join Axel at a bar on the way out.
END @1:40:10
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Erin’s Basic Structure
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: This whole assignment was tough but I’m completely stuck when it comes to the opening – I can’t think of anything that’s especially compelling that’s unique to this story. I’ll need to keep revisiting this outline as we continue on and I have a clearer picture in my mind.
Concept: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
1. Opening – [not sure yet]
2. Inciting incident – Uptight is an uptight cop in the near future and his Captain calls him to office and says Uptight is being sent back in time to 2023 to work with another version of himself, who was also sent back in time, on a top-secret mission to stop WW3. They need Uptight to figure out what’s gone wrong and why the other version of himself isn’t doing his job.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about – This is a buddy cop comedy, where Uptight has to work with Fun (a more relaxed, less work-focused version of himself who’s a couple years older), to carry out their mission, but it’s going to be challenging and be a real clash of personalities
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – as part of their mission, they have to get close to an eccentric tech billionaire entrepreneur who has plans to dominate the solar system; at this turning point, they discover the entrepreneur’s plan is not what they thought [but not sure yet]
5. Mid-Point – Fun finally bursts Uptight’s bubble about what’s going on; did he really think that they sent one cop to stop a devastating nuclear war? Come on. This has been a set up by their Captain all along and the Captain has been using Uptight/Fun to do something illicit. They still need to complete the mission as it’s the only way to be able to travel back to their original timelines. Uptight also learns that in between his timeline and Fun’s timeline, his/their wife left, which is devastating to Uptight. Also, this whole time, Uptight has been calling the shot, resisting Fun’s suggestions at every turn.
6. Second turning point at the end of Act 2 – Here’s where Uptight finally gives in and lets Fun call the shots, and Uptight finally learns the value of improvising, not being so rigid, being more loose, etc., and that’s when they see real success
7. Crisis – The Captain unexpectedly shows up in this earlier time, and there’s a chance for a showdown and to find out what this was really all about and why. Uptight has to choose between two things: Fight the Captain and prevent the mission from being carried out, since now he knows that it’s not the mission he originally thought it was (the consequence of this decision is losing the chance to be able to travel forward/back to his original timeline in the future) OR to carry out the mission, which allows him to go to his original timeline, and resume his life with the hope/possibility of saving his marriage to his wife whom he loves (the consequence of this decision is living with the repercussions of completing the mission, which I haven’t quite figured out yet)
8. Climax – this is the showdown between Uptight & Fun and their Captain & his entourage of bad guys.
9. Resolution – Fun stays in the past with this new woman he’s found that he loves. Uptight is able to go back to the future with a chance to save his marriage now that he’s a changed man with more understanding, and of course he’s also saved the world from some undesirable fate.
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Erin’s Villain Track!
What I learned doing this assignment is: It’s very helpful to think about the movie from the villain’s POV and how they are trying to achieve their goal, as if they were the protag. Also, I don’t have a clear picture of what the actual action set pieces will be and I need to do a lot more brainstorming.
1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.
A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero?
– The Villain’s plan is created after the Hero escapes prison. The Villain is a respected FBI agent who will use all their resources at their disposal, legal and illegal
B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?
– Hunt them down with FBI resources using legal channels; skirt correct protocols and break the rules to get the Hero; contact a group of domestic terrorists the Villain has been working with to get them to do illegal things the Villain can’t do; go rogue and try to get the Hero 1-on-1
C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?
– They are a respected FBI agent in a position of authority so they have all the FBI resources at their disposal, they have the backing of the public and the media in this very publicized manhunt, they have the help of a domestic terrorist organization they’ve been secretly working with, and the people in this organization are bound by no rules
D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?
– Not sure yet whether it’s better for them to be caught and exposed and put in prison for life or to die; maybe the first
2. Include labels with each step of their plan.
DISCOVERY: The corrupt FBI agent finds out her ex-SEAL brother has escaped prison and knows she has to make sure he’s captured
BEGGING: She makes a case to her higher-ups to have her on the team that’s hunting him down, even though they say it would be a conflict of interest; she says she’d have an edge since she knows him and she wants to see him captured. At first she’s denied but then someone even higher up than her superior intervenes and gives the okay.
HUNTING: She and the rest of the team take orders to go about the manhunt in the correct way, using all the resources they have and the correct protocols to track down a man who’s escaped prison. At least once, and maybe twice, they come very close to capturing him but he outwits them at the last moment and escapes.
PESUASION: She has a talk with her brother and tries to convince him to give himself up. She thinks she’s getting somewhere but then he stuns her with the information that he knows about her illegal activities and he’s going to expose her once he gathers the evidence.
CHANGE OF PLAN: Now she’s not intent on capturing him, but making sure he dies as quickly as possible.
THE ACCIDENT: When things are progressing fast enough for her, she gets desperate and sees an opportunity when an accident leaves her superior, the one calling the shots, on the brink of death. Instead of saving him, she lets him die. Then has the higher up who had intervened for her earlier put her in charge of this task force, giving her the power to call the shots.
SKIRTING THE RULES: From here, she has some people on her team do things that are iffy. She gets some push back and is harsh with those that defy her. Others are happy to carry out her orders, since the end justifies the means, and it’s clear her brother is a terrible man and needs to be caught ASAP, even if that means doing something illicit.
ENLISTING HELP: She also gets the domestic terrorist organization she’s been working with secretly to help out, feeding them information so they can go in and kill him.
CONFRONTATION: The two finally meet face to face and it seems like she’s got all the cards but in the end she’s captured.
FITTING ENDING: She ends up in jail and he’s now free.
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Erin’s Necessary Questions
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: I am very clear on the dramatic question and main conflict but the dilemma is more difficult and will likely evolve, and same with the theme.
Concept: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
Dramatic Question: Will our hero be able to carry out his mission and prevent a devastating nuclear world war in the future?
Main Conflict: The hero (a cop who’s traveled back in time) has to team up with another version of himself (who also traveled back in time) to carry out the mission, but this other version is more interested in relaxing and having fun than in saving the world
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him a very effective cop but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important task he’s ever had [this will probably change as the story develops]
Theme: It’s never too late to change
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Erin’s Dramatic Plots 2
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: The first 10 plots seem to go more easily with story-heavy concepts while these next 10 seemed to be a more natural fit for character-driven stories. Even just doing these two made me think about my main character in a different way, which is helpful.
Sacrifice: Uptight cop Tom1 travels back in time and teams up with Tom2, another version of himself who was also sent back in time, to carry out their mission to prevent WW3. The only way for the mission to succeed is for the Toms to sacrifice their lives by doing something that alters the future timeline so they are never born.
Discovery. Uptight cop Tom1 travels back in time and teams up with Tom2, another version of himself who was also sent back in time, to carry out their mission to prevent WW3. By working closely alongside himself, Tom1 can see his flaws clearly for the first time, and understand why his first two marriages failed.
Out of the four I’ve considered, I’m going to go with the Underdog plot.
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Erin’s Hero’s Mission Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: Filling in the blanks really helped clarify what the story will be, since it had been very fuzzy in my mind, and I already have so many more ideas for scenes and conflicts than I had before
MISSION TRACK QUESTIONS:
A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?
They will face overwhelming odds to achieve their mission because the alternative is execution for himself and his SEAL buddies, all of whom were wrongly convicted and sentenced to death
B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?
To evade capture by the resource-heavy and multitudinous FBI, especially once the mission is headed up by his corrupt FBI sister, who has a personal vendetta
C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?
External motivation – to avoid execution. Internal motivation – to save his reputation; honor is extremely important to him.
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?
Daring prison escape; pursuit without capture; gun fights with FBI; hiding out; fights with domestic terrorists who are also out to get him; breaking into places to get information; trying to find allies to help him; face-off with his sister
MISSION STEPS:
Clear Mission: To evade capture and prove
his innocence
Motivation: To avoid execution and to save his
fellow SEALS, also wrongly convicted, from the same fate
Inciting Incident: he escapes prison
First Action: finding a safe place to hide
Obstacle: The FBI is out to get him; he needs to
access high security documents to prove his innocence which means putting
himself in dangerous situations
Escalation: The domestic terrorists who have been
dealing with his sister start to pursue the hero and they have no rules to
follow or anything to rein in their behavior
Overwhelming Odds: He’s one man against two groups
of highly skilled, highly motivated people who want him captured and/or
dead
Twist: Hero discovers that he’s in prison
for a crime he didn’t commit because his sister framed him and his team
(whether on purpose or because of circumstances, I don’t know yet) in
order to cover up her own illicit dealings with domestic terrorists
New Plan: He realizes that it’s more important to
expose his sister and the corruption at the FBI which could do far more
damage to America rather than try to save his own life by proving his innocenceFull out Attack: Not sure yet; depends on what the
New Plan is; it will probably come down to a one-on-one face-off between
hero and his sister
Success: Hero wins the day, of course! His sister
may be captured but “commits suicide” while in high security prison, a la
Jeffrey Epstein -
Erin’s Hero and Villain
What I learned doing this assignment is: My initial concept didn’t work well with the hero/villain model so I tweaked it to make it more straightforward and fit better with the action conventions. I also realized it’s hard to come up with a unique skill set for an action hero since it seems like we’ve seen every variation already.
Concept: An ex-SEAL on death row escapes prison and must evade capture by his FBI agent sister, who wants him dead to cover her own illegal activities
Hero Morally Right: Our protag has been convicted and sentenced to death for a crime he didn’t commit
Villain Morally Wrong: A corrupt FBI agent who has committed treason by dealing with domestic terrorists
HERO: Ex-SEAL who’s escaped prison after being wrongly imprisoned
A. Unique Skill Set: Ex-SEAL with exceptional reflexes, strength, and ability to improvise
B. Motivation: To prove his innocence and the innocence of the other men convicted along with him and save them from execution
C. Secret or Wound: He has always loved his sister but when he finds out that she had set him up to take the fall to cover her own tracks, he feels betrayed and his mission to prove his innocence now means he has to prove her guilt
VILLAIN: Corrupt FBI agent pursuing the Hero and trying to cover her illegal activities
A. Unbeatable: She’s an FBI agent and as far as her colleagues know, a good and upstanding one; she’s a capable agent with all the resources she needs at her disposal to pursue and capture the hero
B. Plan/Goal: In her official capacity as FBI agent, she is pursuing the hero to get him back in prison to face justice, but her real goal is to “accidentally” kill him in order to cover up her own illegal activities
C. What they lose if the Hero survives: If he survives, the truth about her will come out and she will lose her job and her freedom
IMPOSSIBLE MISSION: Hero needs to escape capture while proving his innocence
A. Puts the Hero in Action: Lots of near misses with the authorities pursuing him and almost capturing him, but he escapes; also being pursued by the domestic terrorists his sister has collaborated with, getting into violent fights with them that leave many dead
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: He’s always worked in a team and this is the first time he has to do everything on his own
C. Destroys the Villain: evading capture, proving his innocence, and proving her guilt that ultimately sees her arrested
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Erin’s Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: A concept can work with multiple plots and each plot gives the opportunity to explore different themes and will greatly affect the nature of the final showdown at the end of the movie
Pursuit: Uptight cop Tom1 travels back in time and teams up with Tom2, another version of himself who was also sent back in time, to carry out their mission to prevent WW3. To do this, they must pursue and locate elusive billionaire entrepreneur Cornelius, whose plan to dominate space must be stopped.
Underdog: Uptight cop Tom1 travels back in time and teams up with Tom2, another version of himself who was also sent back in time, to carry out their mission to prevent WW3. To do this, they must go head-to-head with billionaire tech entrepreneur Cornelius, who has more money, more power, more security, and more firearms than the Toms.
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Erin’s Character Structure
What I learned doing today’s assignment is: Genre is strongly tied to character structure. It’s hard to commit to ideas so it’s very helpful to know that we can change anything we don’t like along the way. Also, I learned that A-list actors really like to be #1 and don’t want to share the limelight with others 😛
1. Concept: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
2. Character structure: #2, Buddy movie
3. Lead characters:
Tom1 is a cop from the future who travels back in time to 2025 to convince Tom2 to return to his mission to prevent WW3
Tom2 is another version of Tom1, who has also traveled back in time to 2025, and who is playing hooky in the past instead of saving the world
Cornelius is the eccentric billionaire entrepreneur with a plan to dominate space whom Tom2 and Tom1 must stop
4. In this buddy cop movie, the two characters at odds with each other are the same person – two cops sent back in time from the future, but a few years apart. (Tom2 was sent back in time to complete a mission and when that wasn’t happening, Tom1, who is 3 years younger than Tom2, was sent back to find him and get him back on track.) Tom1, our main protagonist, must convince the other version of himself to stop playing around and get back to his mission, which is to prevent billionaire entrepreneur Cornelius from dominating space and inadvertently setting up the conditions that lead to WW3 and devastating nuclear war in the future. Tom1 is simultaneously battling against Tom2 and Cornelius.
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Erin’s Conventions!
What I learned doing this assignment is: It’s okay to start with what we have; over this course we will elevate what we’re doing and make it stronger.
Concept: An ex-SEAL on death row escapes prison and blackmails his FBI agent sister to help him prove his innocence
Conventions:
Hero: An ex-SEAL on death row for a murder he didn’t commit
Demand For Action: He’s escaped prison after his last chance appeal was rejected and is being hunted by the authorities; being caught means returning to prison and certain death
Mission: to prove his innocence (and the innocence of his friend who was also wrongfully convicted)
Antagonist: authorities searching for him; secondary antagonist his sister, a corrupt FBI agent he’s blackmailing so she won’t turn him in but will help him in his mission
Escalating Action: he needs to do more and more to prove his innocence but that puts him at greater and greater risk of being caught
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Hi everyone,
My name is Erin Danly
I’ve completed 1 feature screenplay plus 2 full stage plays and lots of short pieces
Taking this class because I’m in the ProSeries course and the idea I’m working on in there is an action script, so I want to learn more about the genre
I was born in Tennessee but grew up overseas and now I live in SC with my husband & two very little kids!
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Erin Danly
I agree to the terms of this release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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I learned a lot throughout the call, but the biggest takeaways were in 2 main areas:
The right mindset: I’ll get the most out of this class with the right mindset, which is to stay focused on learning the skills, not on what I’m writing. I don’t have to necessarily *like* what I’m writing as I go along; it’s more important to use my mental energy honing the skills.
Also, even if I come to a skill I believe I’m already good at, I should take it as an opportunity to get even better at that skill. It’s not helpful to say “I already know that” or “there’s nothing for me to learn here” – there’s always room for improvement!
Feedback: You can ask for the type of feedback you want from people – this is mind blowing to me! It would never occur to me to actually ask in terms of “please tell me what you like as well as a few places to improve.” I always figured that you get what you get. So in the future I’m going to be more intentional when asking for feedback.
Hal also made a good point about being selective about the people you get feedback from. Whatever their “thing” is, whether that’s formatting, character, structure, action, dialogue, etc., that will be what they focus on as they critique your script. Asking someone what they’re best at before you ask them (or pay them!) for feedback will give you a good indication of what they will focus on. Looking back on my own experiences with feedback, I can see this is true, but I had never noticed before. Very helpful insight.
Finally, giving feedback can be even more valuable than getting it. It’s a good way to cement a skill, by looking for it in others’ writing and being deliberate with feedback.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Erin Danly.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Wow, this is a group of interesting people with so many experiences… I have about 1000 questions but I’ll save them for later!
1. Erin Danly
2. I’ve written 1 full length screenplay, several shorter films & sketches, and 2 full stage plays (one of which was produced) along with dozens of short play/scenes for the stage.
3. Taking this course because I know I still have so much to learn, especially when it comes to writing characters that feel real and aren’t just there as cogs in the plot.
4. I was born in TN but grew up overseas, in Paris and London, and over the years have studied music, worked in a monkey lab, been a pastry chef, and now I work as a freelance writer. I have a husband and 2 little kids who keep me busy.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Erin Danly. Reason: Typo!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Erin Danly.
I agree to the terms of the release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi Amy, great job, I can really see how this has developed since your SLW. Here are thoughts I had while reading your outline. I know that some of the following points may just not have made it into the brief outline, and that you may have already addressed them (in your head or on paper), so take it with a grain of salt, but I’m putting it all down anyway just in case!
Why would Meagan be at a kids’ baseball game, does she have a child herself or is it just to mack on Josh?
Andrea calls Josh to tell him she’ll be working late, and then the next scene with her is again in the Newsroom the next day. Did she stay over all night? If not, it could be good to have a brief scene that shows her coming home after everyone is asleep to show that she’s really missing family life – did her husband leave dinner leftovers for her, does she slip into bed with him or just crash on the couch, etc.?
Josh is a detective so presumably he’s extremely busy with work, too. Is the daughter’s swim meet on a weekend, and Andrea is working on a weekend? Otherwise I’m wondering how Josh has time for it. Detectives work long and odd hours, too.
The University Science Lab scene where Meagan bumps Andrea into the machine “accidentally” and makes her disappear feels abrupt since this is the first time we’ve seen them together. Is there a way they could interact before, so we could already see some of the conflict between them? (And it’s not clear from the outline, does Meagan work in the lab? Wondering why she happens to be there.)
What’s the purpose of Andrea looking different when she first comes out of the machine? It doesn’t tie to the theme directly and it’s not much of an impediment, since she just goes back to the machine and becomes herself again (after weirding out everyone at home and at work first). I wonder if this whole section could be cut and she just comes out of the machine and wonders where everyone in the lab has gone and then is shocked to have to deal with the discovery that an entire year has passed. (Especially if the scientist doesn’t really know how the time travel aspect works – would she really trust the machine not to screw up again?)
When Andrea returns and a year has lapsed, presumably there’s been a search for her, and likely a missing persons filed with the police – does she have to explain to them where she was, and does she try to tell the truth or just make something up? Does her family believe her about the time travel or not?
Does she get her same position back as a reporter or does she have to start lower? Presumably someone else filled her spot while she was gone – does she have to compete with this person as well to try to get her old position back? Competition with this person could mirror and parallel her competition with Meagan.
I don’t understand the second to last scene – “the present and future have merged” – so are we in Year or Year + 1?
One thing that came to mind is that what if Meagan, instead of being an ex-girlfriend of Josh, was a student at the university (working in the lab) as well as their part-time nanny? The kids would be bonded with her more, she’d already be doing many of the “motherly” duties like bathtime and baking that Andrea doesn’t have time for, there could be a pre-existing rivalry between the two women, etc. And it’s not uncommon for men to fall for the nanny. I don’t want to overstep with this suggestion but thought I’d throw it out there since it could add some layers.
I really like what’s here and the theme of work vs family and what’s most important in life is rich to explore. Hope some of these helped and please ignore the ones that don’t!
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Very interesting. Campaigning for Hitler in 1938… that definitely does not reflect well on his legacy.
No matter how many stories about or set during WW2 there are, there are still so many more to tell.
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Hi Michelle, thanks so much for the feedback! I totally agree about the logline. I’ve had a very hard time trying to fit in the elements that make this concept unique without it getting too long, and in a way that makes sense. Is one of these better and/or clearer? “Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, an uptight special forces expert must team up with an easygoing version of himself to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.” OR “Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, two versions of the same special forces expert – one uptight, the other easygoing – must team up to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.”
I have thought about having the main character be a female, and I may make that change down the line. I definitely want some big roles for women in here! I’m considering making the two billionaire baddies women so there can be an extra layer of rivalry between them. As for the questions you, Amy & Bob have raised, I need to add more info into my SLW, since I’ve got those details figure out in my mind but I’ve made my SLW so brief it’s unclear. And this is going to be a comedy – I haven’t seen Multiplicity in years but I will give it a rewatch! Thanks again!
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Hi Bob, thanks so much for the feedback! I realize I’ve left a lot of questions unanswered in my SLW in an attempt to be brief, but since this is such a plot-heavy action movie with time travel, I also realize more clarification would be helpful. I’ll add in more details to my next iteration. The idea is that Richard traveled to 2028 from the year 2055. Dick traveled to the year 2028 from the year 2058. So they are actually the same person, but Dick is Richard in 3 years’ time. I will make that clearer. Thanks again!
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Hi Amy, thanks so much for the feedback! I appreciate your questions because while I have worked all those things out in my mind, I haven’t included that info in my SLW and probably by being too brief I’m also being unclear. I will add a little more info. I agree about the dilemma and dramatic question. I feel the dilemma is weak and it may turn out that since this is firmly in the action genre, the dilemma may be something more tangible (eg, find the nuke OR save Dick, or something of that nature) rather than emotional (eg, become a better man OR stick to his old ways). I’m still trying to figure that out. Thanks again!
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Hi Bob, I’ve told you before that I think this is a fascinating story and it definitely makes great material for a movie. I can really feel your passion for telling this story coming through.
The Dramatic Question and the Emotional Dilemmas – To me it seems that Jannings is the only one who has a true dilemma, where he has to give up something no matter what choice he makes. His dilemma is very compelling. Should he go against his beliefs and film propaganda films for the Nazis, or should he maintain his self-dignity but give up the acting career he worked so hard to build? The other emotional dilemmas aren’t really framed around a choice and seem like challenges for the characters rather than true dilemmas. With respect to Jannings’ dilemma and the dramatic question – was he actually very anti-Nazi, or was he apolitical, or did he just want to align himself with the side he thought would win the war? I’m very curious!
The outline – This flows well and I can really “see” the movie. The only beat that feels a little flimsy is #6. The other beats are particular scenes or moments, but this is one is vague – “[they] turn in stellar performances.” So does the actual act break occur after the filming of Dietrich’s song, or Jannings’ death scene? Or maybe Act 2 ends with the film wrapping, then Act 3 is about the juxtaposition of Dietrich’s rising star in Hollywood and Jannings’ fate making Nazi propaganda as the war reaches a fever pitch. (I realize that would necessitate changing the Crisis moment, too.) I think it would help to have some clarity about the real moment of the act break from 2 into 3 here.
I was interested in the timelines so I did some Googling and I saw that Blue Angel was filmed Nov 1929-Jan 1930. The Nazis really came to prominence when they won 107 seats in the German parliament on Sept 14, 1930. So I was wondering if the scene of the Nazis vandalizing the nightclub would be realistic, since this was many months before the party had any real power. It could be true to life, but even if it’s not, it’s such a powerful scene, I wouldn’t change it. This is a case where dramatic license trumps historical accuracy. But it’s really interesting stuff to see how this movie, the death of the silent films in Hollywood, and the rise of the Nazis all intersect.
Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Erin Danly. Reason: for clarity
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi Michelle, this sounds like a lot of fun! Here are a couple thoughts I had while reading your SLW:
Structure – I had the exact same 2 questions as Amy (who are the elders, why would Jim being a vampire help him save his wife & daughter) but it sounds like those details just didn’t make it into the SLW. Also wondering who tied Nina & Marin up, since that’s never mentioned. (The elders?) I also like option B for the ending since it reinforces the plot of metamorphosis (love changing you back into human) but since this is a dark comedy, any of them could work well.
Theme – One thing that struck me is that even though the idea is that “family is worth fighting for” and that Ted wishes he could be human again to be part of a family, the family he joins is very small. It’s really just him and the empty nester parents, since Nina now lives in the city. Of course 3 people can make a family, but have you thought about maybe expanding the family so he sees what it means to be part of a larger group of people who care for each other? It’s a big change from his loner past, it puts even more temptation right in his face, plus, having some kooky or strange family members would give a lot of opportunity for humor. Just an idea.
The Dramatic Question makes me wonder whose story this is – you’ve put Ensemble Cast but from the opening and ending, it really seems like it’s Ted’s story. If so, the Dramatic Question could be framed around him – Will Ted succumb to his vampire instincts and kill the family he’s come to care about? When I think of ensemble casts, I think of things like Love Actually or How to Make an American Quilt or something, where each person has their own story & conflict. Here, there are really just 2 main plotlines and conflicts – Ted’s struggle over not feasting on the family, and then Nina’s relationship with her parents. So I see this in my mind as more of Ted’s story with a very strong secondary plot of Nina & her parents that reinforces the theme. Not sure if that would change anything in the way you structure or write it going forward, but it’s something to think about.
Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions for me!
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Hi Amy, my story has time travel in it too so I’d love to exchange feedback with you if you’re up for it. If so, you can email me at danlyerin (at) yahoo.com or just reply here. I’m still working on my outline but will have it done soon!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Erin Danly.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Definitely true that some movies don’t hold up well, especially after ~30 years. And I agree, Total Recall is great!
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No way, I love this movie! Interesting to hear you don’t think it’s good. I watched it a lot as a kid so it holds a special place in my heart 🙂
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Hi Bob, thanks for the input and encouragement! I’ve never read the Bhagavad Gita but this makes me want to. I’m going for the comedy angle with my concept but there’s always room for truth in comedy 🙂
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Super interesting story! I didn’t know any of that.