Evelyn Brooks
Forum Replies Created
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Evelyn’s feedback for John’s Action Outline V1, “Fatal Prejudice”
Hi John, first of all, this sounds like an amazing action adventure story to rival fan-favorites like Pirates of the Caribbean, and I see you succeeding with this.
You probably have a lot of notes that aren’t in the outline, but I have these questions:
Para 3 – is KWA dead? What if he is only injured badly, and could turn up later as Trey’s much-needed ally to help him uncover weaknesses that Makepeace has?
Para 7 –the shoot-out with Makepeace — does he shapeshift into human form? How is he in the street apparently dead if he can’t be killed? What if there is part of his backstory that tells us he grows weaker with each seeming death? Why did he come back at this time? If we had a good reason he came back to DC with a goal of his own, I think that would be stronger than a general plan to destroy black people. I’d like to see Makepeace more as a person than a one -note monster on a killing rampage. I’d suggest building humanity into his story, such as a backstory that shows his own family was killed in an uprising and he took revenge by becoming a slaver–not that it makes him likable, but at least understandable. Right now, just from this outline and not seeing all the notes you have in mind for your story, he’s more like a Godzilla that just needs to be destroyed.
Para 9 – question: bullets can’t stop him but arrows can? If so, go ahead and take a moment to explain the incongruity (because this outline feels like a great start on the script synopsis you’ll use for pitching)
Para 11 – car smash; MP is injured but not killed. It seems like you’re saying he can be hurt but there’s no lasting damage to him. But what if there is? What if he is weakened in each attack so that we can see Trey has an improving chance against MP the more he can weaken his opponent? But then maybe there is something MP knows how to get, such as a potion or device that renews his strength, leading to an all-is-lost moment for Trey when MP is not only healed, but even stronger than before? Maybe it’s something that KWA knows about and MP must torture KWA to get this secret healing potion, chant, or device?
Para 19 – If you want to open the door to sequels, maybe you’d like to let us see Makepeace clawing his way up the wet concrete?
Overall, you’ve built incredible action scenes into the story. If Makepeace’s goal is to kill all black people, I think it would make this an uncomfortable film to watch and difficult to promote. But what if… Hamilton is the descendant of a slave Makepeace had a big fight with and nearly died from when he was a human trader? We could learn this from a few quick flashbacks. All these years, he’s tracked her from wherever he is caged so that he can’t get out, but now he’s freed (for some great reason you’ll explain) and he’s got vengeance on his mind. I think if you tweak the story (again, you may have all this in your notes) so that it is more personal, it will be a more engaging story rather than a monster-on-the-loose. And how about having MP kill some whites, enraged they are friends/lovers with people of color and that makes him extra-angry?
Again, this is a terrific action story, and I wish you all the best in getting it produced so we can all see it!
Evelyn
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Evelyn’s Outline Version 1. What I learned is to keep my focus on the action outline steps, and don’t muddy the waters with a lot of plot details that I plan to include in the script. Keeping it lean makes it easier to see the bones of the story and make sure the structure is strong.
Title: KARMAGEDDON IS A BITCH
Logline: When her little girl is kidnapped and held for an impossible ransom, an MMA fighter decides to get her daughter back and make the kidnappers pay.
Main characters: Mikki (hero, MMA fighter), her husband Reinaldo, their little girl Ava (4). Shayla (villain) and her minions Peg and Flint; all three are fighters.
Location: Las Vegas
Action Outline:
Act One
OPENING: Mikki competes in an MMA fight at a resort casino in Las Vegas, strawweight class (115 lbs), sold-out crowd. In a room, while the fight airs on TV, gloved hands assemble an AR-15 sniper’s rifle from a ghost gun kit. Mikki wins the fight, and the crowd goes crazy, loving her. We see her handsome husband Reinaldo cheering from the front row. In the locker room, Mikki tells reporters she’ll be competing in another fight in two weeks for a charity event for women’s cancer research that deserves their support.
Mikki’s cousin Shayla is secretly a fighter in underground clubs; bantamweight (135 lbs). After losing her fighter, she’s deeper in debt to her promoter, who has been covering her gambling debts. He warns her to pay up, or he’ll turn her over to the club’s enforcers. At home, Shayla plots how she can get the money.
INCITING INCIDENT: Peg snatches Ava at Macy’s and lets Mikki find them in a stairwell; Peg warns Mikki to drop out of the charity bout, which Mikki refuses to do.
Reinaldo’s birthday party is held at their luxury home which has a backyard pool, cabana and guest house. With everyone outside, Shayla trolls the master bedroom, swipes cash from her cousin Mikki’s purse, puts on Reinaldo’s bathrobe and takes a selfie wearing it.
Mikki and Reinaldo have dinner out with friends; while Mikki waits for Reinaldo to get the car, Peg and Flint get her into an alley and attack her. But Mikki lures them into another alley that is renovated for night life entertainment and outdoor dining. Mikki finishes the fight with witnesses who think it is a free floor show for publicity.
Mikki is a guest on a late-night radio talk show, promoting the upcoming charity event. She’s coming out of the studio when she is ambushed by Peg and Flint (both in masks) in the parking lot. The masked sniper aims at Mikki from a nearby rooftop, and shoots. Mikki kicks up at Peg’s chest while twisting away. The bullet hits Flint in the shoulder. Peg warns Mikki that if she goes to the police, they’ll hurt her little girl. Mikki runs to her car and drives off.
Having set up a fake auction online, the masked sniper arranges for Mikki to win it, supposedly buying the boxing gloves Muhammad Ali’s daughter Laila wore in her famous bout against Joe Frazier’s daughter in 2001. Mikki wants to wear Laila’s gloves at the charity event bout and then donate them to the silent auction, so she agrees to pick up the gloves at a house just outside of Vegas instead of risking the mail. Due to the recent attack on Mikki, Reinaldo is nervous about Mikki’s safety and cancels a business trip to drive her to get the gloves.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1: On a deserted street, an SUV roars up and T-bones the driver’s side of Mikki’s car (which has dark-tinted windows), injuring Reinaldo seriously, then roars off. The masked sniper watches from a distance with binoculars, seeing Mikki stumble out of the passenger side and try to help Reinaldo. The sniper is enraged that Mikki wasn’t driving.
ACT 2
Mikki visits Reinaldo in the hospital, where he is in a coma, not expected to recover.
Shayla begs her parents to loan her the money she needs for her gambling debts, claiming she needs expensive dental surgery. It’s one request too many from their only child (who was diagnosed callous-unemotional aka psychopath years ago), and they refuse her in a desperate attempt at tough love.
Meanwhile, Peg and Flint kidnap Ava along with Mikki’s housekeeper, Pearl.
When Mikki returns home, she finds the ransom note demanding 5 million dollars and threatening to kill Ava and Pearl if Mikki goes to the authorities.
Shayla drops by to return the breadmaker she borrowed, and discovers Mikki distraught. Shayla promises Mikki she will help her raise the ransom money.
MID-POINT
Mikki can’t cancel the charity event because the organizers are counting on her to draw the crowd, so she shows up, ready to fight, despite her worry for Reinaldo, Ava and Pearl. There is a $50k purse for the winner, which she needs to win toward the ransom. Peg prevents the fighter who is supposed to battle Mikki from showing up, and fights in her stead, and defeats Mikki.
Due to Reinaldo’s serious medical condition, Mikki’s promoter puts her on compassionate medical leave for six months, so she will not be competing in pro bouts until then–which means no income from her fights.
Shayla brainstorms ideas with Mikk about how to earn money, and admits she can’t help because she’s in debt herself. Shayla tells Mikki to do an illegal fight to get the ransom money, but Mikki refuses, knowing that would kill her professional career.
Mikki gets a text message from Pearl that she and Ava are being held on a houseboat at Lake Mead Marina. Driving to the marina after midnight, Mikki is harassed on the deserted Lakeshore Road by Peg and Flint in separate cars. They chase her but Mikki is victorious and drives off while their cars are in the sand.
At the marina, the masked sniper takes aim at Mikki and shoots but misses, then runs to a waiting speedboat and roars away. Mikki sees a couple with a picnic basket getting in their speedboat for a moonlight outing and convinces them she’s rehearsing for a film and must chase the other boat. They roar after the masked sniper, whose boat hits a spit of land and is upended. The masked sniper swims away from the crash and staggers to shore, peeling away her disguise and prosthetic makeup, revealing Shayla to us.
Back at the marina, the couple help Mikki search unoccupied rental houseboats in the dock and find one of Ava’s sneakers.
Shayla returns to an empty vacation cabin where she’s holding Ava and Pearl, kills Pearl and buries her body in the wilderness.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2: Shayla’s parents drop by Shayla’s townhouse, thinking she is gone, bringing an envelope of money, having cashed out a retirement fund after feeling guilty for turning her down. Shayla is in her room and hears them. They discover Shayla’s wall of creepy photos that outline her plan to kill Mikki and usurp her place in life as Reinaldo’s wife and Ava’s mommy. Shayla kills her parents. We see that Ava is drugged and sleeping in a dog crate on the back porch.
Shayla calls Mikki in the guise of the kidnapper. Mikki begs for more time to get the ransom money, and the kidnapper agrees to another 48 hours. Mikki borrows money from wealthy friends, promising to sell her house to repay them, evading their questions of why she needs it.
Peg and Flint mug Mikki on the way home from the bank and so she still doesn’t have the ransom amount.
ACT 3
CRISIS/DILEMMA: Mikki realizes the only way she can earn the rest of the ransom money is to fight at an illegal club. Doing so will mean she must give up her professional career and title as a sanctioned MMA fighter.
Shayla meets with her fight club promoter and promises she’ll bring the famous fighter Mikki to his club, demanding the highest prize and a cut, but hiding her part in all this from Mikki.
CLIMAX: During Mikki’s fight club bout against a woman in her own class, the fight is abruptly stopped. Two men blindfold Mikki, to the roar of approval from the crowd. And then Shayla comes out as her opponent, stronger and heavier, confident she will win. But Mikki is driven to get the money for Ava’s freedom and fights a dirty fight, winning against all odds.
Mikki races to the dropoff point with the ransom money.
At the dropoff, three masked thugs attack Mikki. Mikki fights back, defeating Peg and Flint, and unmasking Shayla as the kidnapper. Shocked, Mikki grabs her money and goes to Shayla’s house, realizing that is where Ava must be. But Ava is not there!
RESOLUTION: Mikki finds Ava at her own house, in the guest house by the pool. Shayla bursts in. Shayla has knives and rage on her side, but Mikki has a daughter to defend. Mikki tries to avoid killing her cousin. Shayla pushes the fight to a single choice: who will live–Shayla or Ava? Mikki kills Shayla, hugs Ava, and then calls the police.
TAG: Reinaldo recovers. Mikki, Reinaldo and Ava go on a picnic with their new dog.
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[the date/time stamp is actually Feb 15, 7pm PT]
Evelyn’s Fast formatting! What I learned doing this assignment is an excellent way to craft an action scene, by just following the steps and not overthinking it. This scene sequence takes place early in act one and is the first threat to my hero, Mikki. This sequence will include a dinner scene in the restaurant but I didn’t include it here so I could get to the fight without any more buildup to it. Since this is our last assignment before feedback, I had fun including two cameo appearances of special friends who are not part of the ongoing story.
EXT. LAS VEGAS – FREMONT STREET – NIGHT
Peg and Flint make their way through the crowd, dark hoodies hiding their features.
A few children run past, one of them bumping into Peg accidentally.
PEG: (snarling) Watch it!
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Having finished dinner, Mikki and Reinaldo come out with their friends Hal and Cheryl.
Mikki and Cheryl are in short dresses and high heels.
Mikki wears a lavalier necklace, its long chain holding an interesting stone pendant.
REINALDO: It was so great seeing you two.
MIKKI: You’re not driving back to L.A. tonight, are you?
CHERYL: In the morning.
HAL: Can we interest you in going to the Fremont Experience this time around?
MIKKI: Wish we could. Shayla’s babysitting and I don’t want to take advantage by staying out later than planned.
REINALDO: Listen, guys, don’t make it so long next time.
HAL: The I-15 goes both ways. The girls would love to see how big Ava is getting.
The friends hug goodbye and then Hal and Cheryl walk off.
Reinaldo indicates the parking garage sign in the distance.
MIKKI: Seriously? In these heels? Don’t you offer valet service?
REINALDO: You’ll owe me a big tip.
MIKKI: I think that can be arranged.
While Reinaldo jogs off to get their car, Mikki leans against the corner of the building, easing her feet out of her high heels and wriggling her toes.
A man’s hand whizzes out suddenly from behind Mikki and yanks her into the:
EXT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS
It’s Flint. He slaps his other hand over Mikki’s mouth so she can’t scream.
Peg smiles.
PEG: Put her in the car.
They are alone in the alley, next to crates of trash.
PEG: (to Mikki) We’re gonna take a little drive.
OOF!
Peg punches Mikki in the stomach.
Mikki sags, feigning injury…
… watching them from slitted eyes.
Flint reaches in a pocket for his car keys.
Mikki swivels on her bare feet…
POW! POW! POW!
… and slams her fists into Peg’s nose — jaw — soft shoulder joint.
Peg recoils, blood pouring from her smashed nose.
Flint shoves Mikki toward a Firebird parked next to a dumpster.
WHOOP!
Mikki knees him between the legs.
He doubles over, groaning.
She snatches his car keys…
… sprints to the other end of the alley.
Peg chases her.
EXT. SIDE STREET – CONTINUOUS
Mikki races past cars slowing for a signal ahead, then turns right.
Peg lags behind.
EXT. T-ALLEY – CONTINUOUS
The renovated alley features bistro tables filled with boisterous tourists and locals, and outdoor art galleries.
Mikki runs in from the side street.
Stops, looks around.
Glancing over her shoulder, sees Peg arrive.
Peg barrels up to Mikki, her fists ready for action.
From a table where a couple is dining, Mikki grabs a Chianti bottle with a lit candle stuck in its neck.
The couple look up, startled.
Peg leaps onto Mikki’s back.
Mikki tosses Peg off, swivels and slams her with the wine bottle.
Flint joins them, winks at Peg.
FLINT: I got this.
Mikki grabs two oversized margarita glasses from a table.
SPLURT! SPLASH!
She throws the liquid in Flint’s eyes, blinding him.
CRICK! SMASH! CRACK!
She slams the glasses against his cheeks, breaking bones.
TOURIST #1: Is this for real? I mean, like should we call 9-1-1 or–?
Peg rushes in, ramming her head into Mikki’s chest, pushing her against a brick wall.
WHOOSH! WHOOSH!
Mikki boxes Peg’s ears.
Howling in pain, Peg staggers.
Flint stumbles up to Mikki, his eyes still burning.
POW! WHAM! POW!
He pummels Mikki relentlessly.
She knees him in the groin — harder than before.
He staggers.
TOURIST #2 (calling out): I know them! They’re MMA fighters!
TOURIST #3: Must be a free show.
TOURIST #1 (to Mikki): You okay?
MIKKI: Never better.
Mikki whips her lavalier chain necklace off…
… twirls it in the air…
… gaining momentum for its stone pendant…
TOURIST #3: Whoa. Totally cool.
WHAP!
… and flings the chain around Flint’s neck, grabbing the other end.
He wheezes, pulling at the chain.
Mikki tugs the necklace tighter.
Peg glances up from nursing her own injuries.
PEG: You’re choking him!
Mikki pulls the chain tighter…
The more Flint struggles, the tighter it gets.
He collapses.
Peg rushes to help Flint.
Mikki releases the chain, glances around at the gaping tourists who are all filming this on their phones.
She takes a mock bow to applause and then speeds away, smoothing her hair and putting on her necklace as she runs.
Behind Mikki, Flint and Peg stagger off, propping each other.
PEG: You got spare keys?
Flint shakes his head.
EXT. RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER
Reinaldo’s Corvette is at the curb.
He leans against it, holding Mikki’s stiletto shoes.
Mikki approaches from the alley, grinning.
REINALDO: Hey, babe. I was about to send out a posse. Where’ve you been?
MIKKI: Oh, a couple of fans wanted to get selfies.
REINALDO: Why do I have the feeling that’s not the whole story?
She laughs.
They get in the car and drive off.
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Evelyn’s Great Action Set Piece! What I learned doing this assignment is by using the steps and not skipping any of them (because I think I’ve already got the locations etc figured out and even set in fast-drying cement) I am open to more creativity and fun twists! A big change for my story is that I moved the final fight scene outdoors, in Mikki’s back yard, and added a lot of twists and surprises to what I had planned.
This outline is for the final fight that leads to the story’s conclusion when Reinaldo recovers from his injuries and Mikki and Ava bring him home from the hospital.
ADRENALINE Mikki goes to house of Shayla’s parents to brainstorm answer to a clue the kidnapper texted about looking “closer to home” – and SHOCK discovers Jaynie and Marv’s bodies in garbage bags in the laundry room [we know that Shayla shot her parents]
SUSPENSE; Mikki texts Shayla, asks her to meet her at Mikki’s house
FEAR At home, Mikki gets Reinaldo’s gun from the safe, and loads it.
ADRENALINE Shayla arrives at Mikki’s house. Mikki gently tells her that someone shot her parents. Shayla collapses and Mikki runs to the kitchen to get water—while we see Shayla send a text to her allies Peg and Flint SUSPENSE
ANXIETY Shayla goes in the backyard and gets a beer at the cabana area. Mikki sits with her, offering to call the police about Jaynie and Marv’s murders.
SUSPENSE Peg and Flint come in the back yard
SHOCK Mikki realizes they are with Shayla, and Shayla is the kidnapper
ADRENALINE Mikki begs them to tell her where Ava is, and promises she almost has all the ransom money
EXCITEMENT Peg and Flint start doing a few warm up moves, sparring with each other while Mikki looks on in confusion
SHOCK Shayla attacks Mikki
ADRENALINE Mikki fights back, grabbing a pool broom and using it as an impromptu weapon
DANGER Peg and Flint join the fight – it’s 3 against 1, and they are all bigger than Mikki
SURPRISE Mikki improvises weapons with various tools available in her backyard, knocks out Peg and Flint
EXCITEMENT Shayla is enraged and leaps at Mikki, like we’ve seen her do to opponents in fight club bouts
SHOCK Mikki is ready for her, steps aside and slams her with a patio chair, knocking her out.
FEAR Mikki begs Shayla (again) to tell her where she is hiding Ava, but Shayla is out cold.
SUSPENSE We see Ava tied up inside the guest house, drugged, but she starts stirring
SUSPENSE Mikki ties up the three attackers, looks around, starts to give up and go inside the house, but hears a clunking noise in the guest house nearby.
EXCITEMENT Mikki finds Ava inside the guest house and… RELIF… rescues her daughter, unharmed.
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Evelyn’s Unique Action!
What I learned doing this assignment is the power of focused brainstorming–having a list to follow step-by-step leads to breakthroughs, compared to staring blankly at a scene or plot point and wondering how to improve it.
Improvements I made in my outline include:
ENVIRONMENT: world of pro MMA; underground fight clubs; Las Vegas and nearby Lake Mead. Improvement = Adding a backroom casino scene; see STRUGGLE below.
ALLY: Before this lesson, Mikki had no true allies. Improvement = Creating an unusual but plausible ally (a retired DA with dementia) for my hero Mikki who must work alone to find her kidnapped daughter Ava, or risk her daughter being killed if she tells anyone about the snatch. This is a big change for my story and adds intrigue and interest. Previously, Mikki’s only apparent ally is her cousin Shayla–who is not revealed to us as the villain until midpoint, and Mikki doesn’t know Shayla is villain until act three. Now Mikki has a real ally in earlier scenes who gives Mikki advice and support–but only in moments of mental clarity (taking it to an extreme).
RULES: Rule of silence about the kidnapping. Improvement = adding a true ally allows Mikki to change the RULES of silence about the kidnapping without actually endangering her daughter.
STRUGGLE: Mikki’s struggle is to get the cash ransom to free her daughter. Improvement = Adding an intense blackjack game, where at first Mikki wins the jackpot but then a video faked by the villain “proves” Mikki cheated and so she must return the money (a deliberate move by the villain to pressure Mikki into fighting in an underground fight club to get the ransom money while destroying her professional career by doing so)
UNIQUE SKILL SET: MMA champion; clever and versatile; has friends in high places. Improvement = Adding Mikki’s blackjack skill, see above struggle, so we already know from a setup in act one that she’s great at the game and therefore her win is plausible instead of convenient and seemingly random.
WEAPON: MMA skills, knows how to drive a speedboat. Improvement = Adding skill with knives. Expanding an otherwise brief scene at MMA gym in act one’s “ordinary world” to now include M-1 advanced knife training. This will set up Mikki’s expert-level skill when she uses knives in a fight in act three against the villain who has guns. (Yeah, I know: never take a knife to a gunfight but my hero doesn’t own a gun and she must improvise with weapons at hand.)
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Evelyn’s Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is that a scene I was unsure how to write since my specialty is drama and I’ve never done a car chase or shoot out, etc. suddenly became very easy to outline, and then to write as long as I kept my focus on delivering the promises of danger, excitement, and adrenaline.
This scene takes place shortly after Mikki’s little girl Ava has been kidnapped along with their housekeeper named Pearl, and Mikki is waiting to hear from the kidnapper about the ransom dropoff details.
INT. MIKKI’S HOUSE – AVA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mikki paces, clutching one of Ava’s stuffed toys, distraught.
The phone in her jeans pocket pings with an incoming text.
ADRENALINE. She yanks the phone out and reads a message from PEARL: man hide me and ava houseboat lake mead marina hurry!!!
EXT. MIKKI’S HOUSE – NIGHT
EXCITEMENT. The garage door opens. Reinaldo’s brand new Corvette backs out, its engine thrumming eagerly.
Mikki drives off. The Corvette is out of sight by the time the automatic garage door finishes closing.
EXT. LAKESHORE ROAD – NIGHT
The moonlit night casts eerie shadows on the sagebrush and small boulders lining the two-lane blacktop road that wends through the desert to Lake Mead.
Both lanes are empty.
ADRENALINE. The Corvette leaps into frame, going over 100 MPH as Mikki eats up the miles to the marina.
DANGER. As Mikki takes a curve in the road, two cars — a zippy little Mini Cooper and a rumbling classic Mustang pull onto Lakeshore Road from side roads.
The two cars flank the Corvette, keeping pace like an escort service.
EXCITEMENT. Mikki jams her foot on the accelerator, leaving them in her dust.
DANGER. Peg, driving the Mini Cooper on the left, jerks her wheel and slams against the Corvette’s left flank.
ADRENALINE. Mikki controls her car, keeping it steady.
DANGER. Sarge, driving the Mustang on the right, shoots out Mikki’s passenger window.
EXCITEMENT. The tempered glass breaks into small pieces that fall out of the window frame. Mikki darts a glance at the window, keeps driving.
ADRENALINE. Mikki notices her fuel gauge is in the red zone!
DANGER. Sarge, staying alongside the Corvette, aims his gun to shoot Mikki now that the passenger window is wide open.
EXCITEMENT. Mikki catches a glimpse of the gun, slams the accelerator and is nearly airborne as she zooms ahead, her glance going to the fuel gauge again and again.
MIKKI: (under her breath, to the deity of all drivers) Oh please! Just let me get to the marina!
DANGER. Sarge changes gears on the Mustang, bumps the rear of the Corvette and rides its tail like a butt-grabbing pervert.
Mikki brakes hard, wheeling into the left lane where Peg is lagging behind them but now catches up.
EXCITEMENT. Saving herself, Peg tries to avoid hitting the Corvette. She spins the wheel too hard, fishtails, goes off-road into the sagebrush, and then stalls in a drift of gritty sand.
DANGER. Sarge’s Mustang stays on the Corvette, follows Mikki’s every move like a disco dancer, slowing when she does, speeding up when she gives the Corvette more gas, shimmying to the left when she does, and then back to the right.
ADRENALINE. A pickup truck heading for the marina tries to pass them, honking, and just avoids getting sandwiched between the Corvette and the Mustang. As the truck flies off, the man juts a hand out his window and flips them a finger.
EXCITEMENT. Mikki does a sudden U-turn and slams Sarge’s car off the road. Spinning, the Corvette does a 180 and Mikki continues to the Marina.
ADRENALINE. Glancing in her rearview mirror, Mikki sees the two drivers–Peg and Sarge–get out of their wrecks and stand in the middle of the road, watching her race away from them.
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Evelyn’s Level 2 Action Emotions — surprise, shock, and suspense
What I learned doing this assignment is the high value of building in the specific set of emotions before I write the scene or sequence, using a deliberate structure of setup and payoff.
This scene sequence is in act two, around the time of the midpoint.
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – GUEST ROOM – DAY
Shayla sits at her worktable, humming under her breath while she cleans the sniper rifle.
Hearing a dog bark, she gets up and glances out the window, with its view of her backyard. No one is there.
Satisfied, she picks up her rifle and loads it with 223 Remington ammo.
EXT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – STREET – SAME
Shayla’s parents, Jaynie and Marv, get out of their parked car a few doors up the street from Shayla’s house, even though there is parking in front of it and approach.
Jaynie carries a flowering plant in a pretty container.
JAYNIE: She’s gonna be so surprised!
They smile at each other and quietly move to the front door, where they use a key to enter.
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – GUEST ROOM – SAME
Shayla hears the front door open.
[SURPRISE]
She sets the rifle against the wall behind the door to the hall, then eases the door open and glances out.
She sees her parents, and silently ducks back inside.
[SHOCK]
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME
Jaynie neatens up the coffee table clutter and places the plant on it.
Marv takes a thick cash envelope from a pocket and puts it next to the plant.
Jaynie moves the envelope, propping it against the plant.
They smile at each other, giddy.
The envelope has Shayla’s name handwritten on it.
There’s a sudden noise from the guest room, something falling.
[SURPRISE]
Jaynie and Marv look up, startled.
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – GUEST ROOM – SAME
Shayla picks up the rifle that fell over, and calmly opens the door.
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME
As Shayla comes out of the guest room holding the rifle at her side, her parents look at her, startled.
JAYNIE: You said you were going to Reno for a couple days.
SHAYLA: I lied.
MARV: We just wanted to leave a little surprise for you to come home to.
SHAYLA: Who gave you a key?
JAYNIE: Well, honey, don’t you remember? When we hired the contractor to renovate this property for you, he gave us a spare set, for emergencies.
SHAYLA: He shouldn’t have done that.
MARV: Uh, what’s the gun for? Going to a shooting range?
Shayla notices the flowers, then picks up the envelope.
[SURPRISE]
Jaynie and Marv chuckle nervously.
JAYNIE: We cashed out a retirement fund.
MARV: You were listed as the beneficiary anyway, so we figured you might as well have it now, since you’re running a little short lately.
SHAYLA: Ever heard the expression “too little, too late”?
MARV: It’s fifty-eight thousand. Are you saying you’ve got some kind of debt bigger than that? What kind of trouble are you in, Shay-shay?
Jaynie looks at Shayla’s flat expression.
[SUSPENSE]
JAYNIE: What were you doing in the guest room just now? What is the rifle really for, babycakes? You’re not… you’re not thinking of self-harming are you?
MARV: If you are, there’s no shame in it. We’ll get you the help you need. It’ll be our little secret, like always.
[SUSPENSE]
Not waiting for permission, Jaynie dashes to the guest room door and looks in.
She gasps, staggering back into the hall.
SHAYLA: I really wish you could ever catch on that my life is my life, not yours.
MARV: What’s going on?
He jogs over to the guest room door and looks in.
MARV: Omigod. You’re the one who put Reinaldo in a coma? Almost killed Mikki?
JAYNIE: I don’t understand what we did wrong. You and Mikki are like sisters.
SHAYLA: Just because you say that again and again doesn’t make it true.
JAYNIE: Shayla. Tell us the truth. You know we won’t stop loving you. Do you have anything to do with why Ava is missing?
Shayla blows out a heavy sigh.
She picks up the TV remote, tunes in to a war movie and turns the volume up as far as it goes.
JAYNIE: Turn it down. I mean, please. The neighbors might complain.
Shayla calmly shoots her mom between the eyes.
[SHOCK]
Jaynie falls, dead before she hits the floor.
Marv gapes.
SHAYLA: Sorry, daddy. You shoulda stayed home today.
She shoots her dad, killing him.
[SHOCK]
Shayla snaps off the television, and looks at the two bodies thoughtfully, frowning to herself.
EXT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – ENCLOSED BACK PORCH – SAME
Tucked behind wicker chairs and a free-standing heavy bag is a large plastic dog kennel with side vents and a latched wire door.
Peering inside, we see Ava curled up on a blanket, sleeping heavily, a scarf tied around her mouth, her hands tied behind her back.
On a patio table we see a half-empty RX bottle of Ambien and a couple of empty mini-milk cartons and packets of cookies.
[SHOCK — reveals Shayla is the kidnapper]
INT. SHAYLA’S HOUSE – GUEST ROOM – SAME
Shayla stands in the center of the room and slowly turns, taking in the chaotic display of photos and newspaper printouts pinned to the walls, cataloguing Shayla’s obsession with her cousin Mikki’s life and career, and giving evidence of her plan to kill Mikki in the car crash, and usurp Mikki’s life as Reinaldo’s wife and Ava’s mommy.
Photos of Mikki with her husband and Ava — but in each one, Shayla has Photoshopped her own face over Mikki’s.
[SHOCK – until this point, we haven’t seen the entire wall]
She looks at a photo of Mikki holding up her championship MMA belt in the ring, grinning despite the bruises on her face.
Picking up a Sharpie pen, Shayla blacks out Mikki’s face, humming tunelessly to herself.
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Evelyn’s Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is how to use more of Hal’s tools effectively, by deliberately creating the scene to evoke specific emotions, instead of hoping I’ve written an exciting scene and wondering why it falls a little flat and seems to beg for more and more tweaking. I didn’t even have this scene in mind for my script until lesson 9’s assignment about creating twists, and now I see that this is actually a critical scene in act one because it builds tension, reveals more of the villain’s plan and foreshadows a major event later in the story.
We’re in Las Vegas. This scene will be fairly early in act one, before the inciting incident. My story is about a female MMA champion who must find her kidnapped child (age four) after her husband is murdered. My title is KARMAGEDDON IS A BITCH.
INT. MEADOWS MALL – PARTY STORE – DAY
Coming out of the store, Mikki merges into the crowded promenade, carrying a large shopping bag filled with “over-the-hill” birthday party supplies.
Ava trails after her, admiring the yellow helium balloon tied to her wrist with a ribbon.
AVA: Are we done now, mommy?
MIKKI: Almost, sunshine.
AVA (resigned): That means “no”.
MIKKI: One more stop. Then…drumroll?
Mikki holds the balloon down in front of Ava.
Ava pummels the balloon with her fists, like a boxer.
MIKKI AND AVA: Pizza!
As Mikki leads the way to Macy’s, a stocky, muscular woman, PEG (late 20s), wearing heavy makeup and an obvious wig, follows them stealthily. [ANXIETY]
INT. MACY’S – MEN’S DEPARTMENT – SAME
Peg texts with “UNKNOWN” on her phone while Mikki browses the cologne counter and Ava sings softly to herself, bored.
PEG: They’re in Macy‘s men.
UNKNOWN: You know what to do.
Peg pockets her phone and sidles closer to Ava. [ANXIETY]
AVA: I’m hungry, mommy.
Mikki holds out two bottles for Ava to sniff.
MIKKI: Two minutes. Do you like either of these? To give your daddy for–
AVA: Shhh! It’s a secret!
MIKKI (whispering): For his birthday surprise party?
Ava smells both of the bottles, then points to her choice.
Mikki beckons the CLERK, who is busy with a customer but indicates Mikki will be next.
Ava wanders nearby, bouncing her balloon in the air by tugging the ribbon and then releasing it, again and again.
Peg crouches to intercept Ava, holding a finger to her lips as she shows Ava a fuzzy live chick in her hand.
Ava smiles and steps closer to admire the bird. [ANXIETY]
Other customers traverse the main aisle next to the cologne counter, thus separating Ava from Mikki. [ANXIETY]
Peg gives the chick to Ava to hold, breaks the balloon’s ribbon–leaving the bit tied to Ava’s wrist–then ties the balloon securely to a clothing rack.
Grabbing Ava by the hand, Peg hustles her out of the store while Ava is still distracted by the cute little chick, murmuring to it, calling it “sunshine.”
At the cologne counter, Mikki pays for her purchase.
MIKKI: Okay, sunshine. Time for–
Mikki glances around for her daughter, then breathes normally when she sees Ava’s balloon hovering nearby. [FALSE RELIEF]
INT. MEADOWS MALL – PROMENADE – SAME
Ava resists Peg, trying to free her hand. [FEAR]
AVA: No. I want my mommy–!
PEG: Shh! Your daddy’s waiting in the car. He couldn’t get a parking space so he sent me. It’s a surprise for your mommy!
AVA: But it’s not her birthday.
Peg indicates the live chick.
PEG: We need to get the other chicks for your mommy’s surprise. She’ll like them, won’t she?
AVA: I guess.
Peg scoops up Ava and runs to a nearby door marked STAIRS.
INT. MACY’S – MEN’S DEPARTMENT – SAME
While Mikki glances around for Ava, the Clerk huffs.
CLERK: Your card didn’t go through. Scanner’s acting up today.
Mikki fumbles to get her credit card out of her wallet again, and taps it on the card reader.
MIKKI (calling out): Ava? Come on over here, sunshine. Follow my voice… over here…
Mikki waits impatiently for her purchase to finalize, snatches the bag and runs toward the balloon. [ANXIETY]
CLERK (calling out): Want me to email your receipt?
INT. STAIRWELL – SAME
Peg holds Ava as she shuts the door. [ANXIETY]
AVA: I don’t like it in here. It smells funny.
PEG: Stop whining, you little brat!
INT. MACY’S – MEN’S DEPARTMENT – SAME
Mikki finds Ava’s balloon tied to the rack.
She drops her packages, stunned.
MIKKI (calling out): Ava? Ava! Where are you?!
She glances around, a full 360. [FEAR]
MIKKI: SOMEBODY CALL SECURITY! MY LITTLE GIRL WAS TAKEN!
Mikki abandons her packages, plows through the department, searching, calling Ava’s name, frantic. [FEAR]
She sees the approaching SECURITY GUARD and runs to him while pulling out her phone to show him photos of Ava. [ANXIETY]
MIKKI: She’s only four-years-old!
SECURITY GUARD: Stay here, ma’am. We’ll find her.
Mikki thrusts a business card into his hand. [ANXIETY]
MIKKI: Call me if you find her first.
She runs out to the mall promenade.
INT. MEADOWS MALL – PROMENADE – SAME
Mikki trolls the crowd, showing Ava’s photo. [ANXIETY]
MIKKI: Have you seen my daughter?
Everyone shakes their head and moves on, until…
HELPFUL WITNESS: I saw a little girl carried into those stairs. Or maybe she was in a stroller. She was with a man. Or it coulda been a woman? Have you checked the food court?
Mikki runs to the door marked STAIRS and flings it open.
As Mikki steps in, Peg attacks her with a right hook while blocking Ava from escaping.
Mikki staggers, startled.
AVA: You can’t hit my mommy!
PEG: Can so.
Mikki grabs Peg around the neck and shoves her against a wall, freeing Ava, who scoots behind Mikki for safety.
MIKKI: Who are you?! What the hell do you think you’re doing with my daughter?
Peg twists away, smiling.
PEG: Just wanted to show her something.
Peg grabs the little chick from Ava’s hands.
PEG (leaning in closer): And warn you. Drop the charity event. We won’t ask again.
Peg races down the stairs and then a door slams one floor below, while Mikki hugs Ava, her eyes filling with tears. [RELIEF]
AVA: I didn’t like her.
MIKKI: I know what you mean.
INT. MEADOWS MALL – PROMENADE – LOWER LEVEL – SAME
Peg emerges from the door marked STAIRS.
She glances at the little chick in her hand, wrings its neck, then tosses the dead bird in a trash bin as she passes it.
A dad and his two kids gape at Peg, aghast. [CAP, ANXIETY]
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Evelyn’s Favorite Twists!
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep looking for ways to elevate the story with interesting twists and unexpected reversals. Doing this lesson, I created several new scenes that I know will add more intrigue to my story.
My FIVE favorite twists listed as Setup/Twist.
1. New Threat ====================== Unexpected Support
Act One, new restaurant scene: Mikki (bruised from the pro bout in opening) is dining with her husband Reinaldo. SETUP Customer stops at their table on the way out and berates Reinaldo for being a wife-beater. Reinaldo tries to placate him, Mikki interrupts with an explanation. The customer defends himself by using a common paradigm about women fighters and tells Mikki: a battered woman is a battered woman–get back to your kitchen and leave the fighting to men. TWIST a waitress who recognizes Mikki tells the customer to stop jumping to conclusions and leave her clients alone or risk being asked to leave.
2. It Just Got Worse ============== It Just Got Better
Act Two, new shopping mall scene that foreshadows the kidnapping to come. SETUP Mikki and her little girl are shopping for clothes. Mikki turns away for a moment to rehang a couple of rejects. TWIST Mikki turns back to see a strange woman hustling Ava off. Mikki drops everything and leaps for the kidnapper, pulls her down, screams for security. The woman kicks and punches, manages to get up and run off. Mikki hugs Ava, crisis averted.
3. Attacked ====================== Protected
Midpoint new scene: SETUP Shayla launches an anonymous social media attack on Mikki, supposedly exposing her as a secret underground fighter at illegal clubs. Mikki is called up to see the MMA fight committee who threaten her with expulsion from their list of fighters. TWIST the only woman on the board, a retired boxer, stands up for Mikki and says it’s all a plot to discredit their champion.
4. Reversal ====================== Reverse the Reversal
Act two– new scene at gym; an earlier scene in act one will set up that Mikki trains at a local gym and enjoys a special women fighters’ class where they all go to lunch afterwards, supportive of each other’s goals. This new scene will reverse the camaraderie due to Shayla’s vicious social media attack. SETUP The women at the gym are wary of Mikki so she spars with a trainer–who we know is one of Shayla’s thugs. TWIST he admires Mikki’s strength and whispers a cryptic warning to stay on her guard, thus befriending her when her real friends have turned their backs on her.
5. Lost Resources ================= New Resources
Act Three, add a twist to the final fight between Shayla and Mikki. SETUP Shayla has a gun and two knives. Mikki is unarmed. TWIST Mikki kicks the gun away and captures a knife, so now she has a new resource. This scene also has a “reversal” because Mikki crosses a line when she kills someone (her cousin Shayla) for the first time in her life.
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Evelyn’s Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned doing this assignment is to always keep the audience in mind while structuring my story. I know my hero Mikki is likeable, etc, but I have to make sure that’s not a private assumption on my part because I know her so well–I have to build the “why we care” elements into my story from the beginning to make the journey we take with Mikki more emotionally powerful and engaging.
Mikki Salvador — MMA pro champion — Why We Care
Her fans adore her and speak highly of her.
Reporters praise her for being a role model for young women athletes even though she is in an extreme sport, MMA fighting.
She has a loving husband and little girl, and her family is respected in their community.
When her cousin Shayla is fired from a casino job, Mikki invents a job for her, hiring Shayla as her social media director.
She’s the victim of unprovoked attacks.
Her husband is killed in front of her.
While she’s still grieving her husband, her little girl is kidnapped, with the threat of death if the ransom deadline is missed.
She gets as much cash together as she can but falls short of the ransom amount. To quickly earn the balance before the deadline, she’s forced to decide between her lauded professional career as an MMA fighter or become a brawler in underground fight clubs.
She earns the money for the ransom at a fight club, but it is stolen from her.
When she discovers her cousin Shayla is the kidnapper, Mikki offers Shayla a way out, but Shayla forces the outcome and so Mikki must kill someone for the first time in her life, to save her daughter.
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Evelyn’s Story Map
What I learned doing this assignment is the amazing flexibility of creating an outline this way! I know I’ll be changing and upleveling my story elements as we move forward, but this process simplifies a daunting task. I found it was easiest if I omitted a lot of bridging scenes from previous assignments and my notes. This was an interesting challenge because I kept moving things around, swapping out the inciting incident I posted in lesson 6 for another event on my list, but I feel the process is making my story stronger.
ACT 1
OPENING
Action-1 Mikki competes in an MMA fight in Las Vegas, strawweight class, sold-out crowd.
Villain-1 In a room, while the fight airs on TV, gloved hands assemble an AR-15 sniper’s rifle from a ghost gun kit.
Action-2 Mikki wins, and the crowd goes crazy, loving her. We see her handsome husband Reinaldo cheering from the front row.
Mission-1 In the locker room, Mikki tells reporters she’ll be competing in another fight in two weeks for a charity event that deserves their support.
Villain-2 Shayla reminds everyone clamoring for Mikki that she’s not just a member of Mikki’s family (her first cousin), she’s Mikki’s social media and publicity director and all requests must come through her.
INCITING INCIDENT
Mission-2 Mikki is a guest on a local Las Vegas talk show, promoting her upcoming MMA charity event.
Action-3 Mikki is coming out of the talk show studio when she is ambushed by two masked thugs.
Villain-3 While Mikki is held down by the thugs, the sniper aims. But Mikki twists away and springs up so that the bullet hits one of the thugs in the shoulder. The other thug warns Mikki that if she goes to the police, they’ll hurt her little girl. Mikki runs to her car and drives off.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
Villain-4 Having set up a fake auction online, Shayla arranges for Mikki to win it, supposedly buying the boxing gloves Muhammad Ali’s daughter Laila wore in her famous bout against Joe Frazier’s daughter in 2001.
Mission-3 Mikki wants to wear Laila’s gloves during the charity event bout, so she agrees to pick up the gloves at a house just outside of Vegas instead of risking the mail. Due to the recent attack on Mikki, Reinaldo is nervous about Mikki’s safety and cancels a business trip to drive her to the house.
Action-4 On a deserted street, an SUV roars up and smashes into the driver’s side of Mikki’s car (which has dark-tinted windows), fatally injuring Reinaldo, then drives off.
Villain-5 Shayla watches from a distance with binoculars, seeing Mikki stumble out of the passenger side and open the driver’s door to help Reinaldo. Shayla is shocked that Mikki wasn’t driving.
ACT 2
Mission-4 Mikki attends Reinaldo’s funeral and hosts a hotel luncheon for the guests.
Action-5 The two thugs kidnap Mikki’s daughter Ava (age 4).
Villain-6 A waiter delivers Shayla’s anonymous ransom note to Mikki during the luncheon, warning her that if she tells anyone or alerts authorities about the kidnapping, they will kill her daughter. Shayla leans over and asks Mikki if she’s okay.
Mission-5 Since Shayla is family, Mikki shows her the note in the restroom and swears her to secrecy.
Villain-7 Shayla promises Mikki she will help her raise the ransom money.
MID-POINT
Mission-6 Mikki can’t cancel the charity event because the organizers are counting on her to draw the crowd, so she shows up, ready to fight, despite her grief for Reinaldo and terror for Ava.
Action-6 Mikki loses the charity bout and thus the bonus purse given to the winner.
Mission-7 Mikki’s promoter calls and puts her on compassionate medical leave for six months, so she will not be competing in pro bouts until then–which means no income from her fights.
Villain-8 Shayla, whom we know by now is secretly an underground fighter, tells Mikki to consider doing an illegal fight to get the ransom money, but Mikki refuses, knowing that would kill her professional career.
Action-7 Shayla discovers her mom snooping and finding evidence that Shayla is Ava’s kidnapper. Shayla kills her parents and hides the bodies.
Villain-9 Shayla tells Ava that her mommy (Mikki) died and from now on she will live with her Auntie Shayla.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
Villain-10 Shayla calls in the guise of the kidnapper and refuses to let Mikki talk to Ava.
Mission-8 Mikki begs for more time to get the ransom money, and the kidnapper agrees to another 48 hours. Mikki borrows money from wealthy friends, promising to sell her house to repay them, claiming Reinaldo’s family needs the money urgently.
Action-8 The two thugs mug Mikki on the way home from the bank and so she still doesn’t have the ransom amount.
Villain-11 Shayla calls as the kidnapper, demanding the money or she will kill Ava, and taunts Mikki that Ava already thinks Mikki is dead and hasn’t cried once.
ACT 3
CRISIS/DILEMMA
Mission-9 Mikki realizes the only way she can earn the rest of the ransom money is to finally accept an ongoing offer from an illegal fight club to fight for them–but doing so will mean she must give up her professional career and title as a sanctioned MMA fighter.
Villain-12 Shayla meets with her fight club promoter and promises she’ll bring the famous fighter Mikki to his club, demanding the highest prize and a cut.
CLIMAX
Action-9 Mikki wins the illegal fight against a woman outside her class, stronger and heavier
Mission-10 Mikki races to the dropoff point with the ransom money.
Action-10 At the dropoff, three thugs attack Mikki. Mikki fights back, defeating them, and unmasks Shayla as the leader.
Mission-11 Mikki grabs her money and goes to Shayla’s house, realizing that is where Ava must be.
RESOLUTION
Mission-12 Mikki finds Ava hidden in Shayla’s house and is on the way out the door with her daughter.
Villain-13 Shayla bursts in.
Action-11 Shayla has knives and rage on her side, but Mikki has a daughter to defend.
Mission-13 Mikki tries to avoid killing her cousin
Villain-14 Shayla pushes the fight to a single choice: who will live–Shayla or Ava?
Action-12 Mikki kills Shayla, hugs Ava, and then calls the police.
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Evelyn’s Action Structure!
What I learned doing this assignment is to fill in the blanks and keep going to the next lesson, while also continuing to brainstorm and make a ton of notes for my project. I’ve been brainstorming various scenes and turning points, but this is my first version putting it all together as a structure for my feature action drama.
OPENING
Mikki is in the final round at an MMA fight in Las Vegas, her hometown, and when she wins, the crowd goes crazy, loving her. We see her handsome husband Reinaldo cheering from the front row.
Cut to: During the fight: in a dark room, with a laptop open to a dark web ghost guns site, a pair of hands in surgical gloves assemble a ghost AR-15 sniper’s rifle.
Question: Who is the sniper? Who is the target?
INCITING INCIDENT
Mikki is lured to a location just outside Vegas at dawn, supposedly to purchase the boxing gloves Muhammad Ali’s daughter Laila wore in her famous bout against Joe Frazier’s daughter in 2001. But Reinaldo is wary; he cancels his trip out of town and insists on driving Mikki. While they seek the address, a Hummer roars up and smashes into them, fatally injuring Reinaldo.
Question: Was it a drunk driver hit-and-run accident? Or was it a deliberate attack? If planned, who was the target–Reinaldo or Mikki?
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
While Mikki attends Reinaldo’s funeral, her daughter Ava (age 4) is kidnapped, and Mikki gets the ransom note during the hotel luncheon for the funeral guests.
Question: Who is behind the kidnapping? How will Mikki raise the ransom money by the deadline of 72 hours? Where is Ava being held?
MID-POINT
Mikki can’t cancel her next fight because she desperately needs the money–added to what she’s already got in cash, the prize will be just enough to meet the ransom demand. But Mikki loses the fight.
We cut to her cousin Shayla, who is Mikki’s social media and publicity director and knows everything about Mikki. Shayla, a croupier, has massive gambling debts, leads a secret life fighting at illegal fight clubs; moved home with her parents to save money. Shayla discovers her mom snooping in her bedroom, finding evidence she is the kidnapper. Shayla kills her parents.
Question: How will Mikki raise the rest of the money for the ransom? Will Mikki find out Shayla is the kidnapper in time to rescue Ava? What will Shayla do with her parents’ dead bodies?
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
The kidnapper taunts Mikki on the phone and lets Ava talk to her. Mikki begs for more time to get the ransom money, and the kidnapper agrees to another 48 hours. Mikki borrows money from wealthy friends, promising to sell her house to repay them. But she gets mugged on the way home from the bank and so she still needs more money.
Question: Can Mikki find a way to track her daughter and rescue her without having to pay the ransom? Will Mikki find another source for money? Will Shayla go through with her threat to kill Ava if Mikki misses the deadline?
CRISIS/DILEMMA
Mikki realizes the only way she can earn the rest of the ransom money is to finally accept an ongoing offer from an illegal fight club to fight for them–but doing so will mean she must give up her professional career and title as a sanctioned MMA fighter.
Question: Will Mikki realize she’s been set up by her cousin Shayla in time to avoid taking this step?
CLIMAX
Mikki wins the illegal fight and races to the dropoff point with the ransom money. Three thugs attack her. Mikki fights back, defeating them, and unmasks Shayla as the leader. Mikki grabs the money and goes to Shayla’s house, realizing where Ava must be.
Question: Will Mikki find her daughter in time? What will Shayla, still alive, do next?
RESOLUTION
Mikki finds Ava hidden in Shayla’s house and is on the way out the door with her daughter when Shayla bursts in. Shayla has knives and rage on her side, but Mikki has a daughter to defend. Mikki tries to avoid killing her cousin, but Shayla pushes the fight to a single choice: who will live–Shayla or Ava? Mikki kills Shayla, calls the police to report three bodies, and then takes Ava home.
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Evelyn’s Action Track! What I learned doing this assignment is to fill in the blanks, knowing I can elevate each answer as I keep developing the script.
Hero is Mikki, a champion MMA fighter; Villain is her cousin Shayla, an underground fighter whose goal is to kill Mikki and usurp her place in the family.
AMBUSH–Mikki is coming out of a local Las Vegas talk show studio after promoting her upcoming MMA bout when she is attacked by two masked thugs. She defeats them with skilled martial arts and no weapons except her hands and stiletto high heels.
Purpose–Demonstrate Mikki’s skill level in martial arts. Create mystery of who would be attacking her–is it one of her MMA rivals?
FAILED KILLING–Mikki is at a carnival with her husband and their little girl when a sniper aims but the shot goes wild and no one notices.
Purpose–create mystery: who was the target: Mikki or her husband? is the sniper in alliance with the two thugs and if so, what are they trying to accomplish?
CAR CRASH–Hit and run driver kills Mikki’s husband and injures Mikki and her little girl
Purpose–create more mystery and suspense; was it really an accident or was it deliberate? and if it was deliberate, was Mikki the real target?
THREAT– at the funeral, Mikki receives an anonymous note warning her to drop out of the upcoming fight or face the consequences, threatening that something bad will happen to Mikki’s daughter
Purpose–Shayla’s misdirection to make Mikki believe her MMA rivals are responsible for her husband’s death and the attacks on Mikki
FIGHT–Shayla fights an unsanctioned bout against a ruthless female fighter but Shayla wins
Purpose–demonstrate Shayla’s ability and desire to fight no-holds-barred, increasing her threat to Mikki; creating more mystery about Mikki’s cousin and what she is hiding from her family about her life and her skills
MURDER– Shayla’s mother, Jayne, discovers evidence of Shayla’s secret life. Terrified, she tries to sneak off and pretend she didn’t see anything, but Shayla catches her and kills her.
Purpose–midpoint revelation to us that Shayla is the villain, and showing her original plan to kill Mikki, and then marry Mikki’s husband and adopt Mikki’s little girl and live in Mikki’s house etc–taking over Mikki’s life which Shayla feels entitled to
KIDNAP–masked thugs kidnap Mikki’s little girl and hold her for ransom
Purpose–escalate the danger when Mikki refuses to call off the MMA fight; Now Mikki is up against kidnappers who warn her that they will kill her child if she goes to the FBI or police.
DEMO FIGHT– a publicity scheme set up by Shayla (who is Mikki’s publicity and social media director) pairs Mikki with a retired fighter to demonstrate a few moves they’ll see in the upcoming pro bout, but actually Shayla has paid the fighter to injure Mikki for real instead of faking it.
Purpose–show how quickly Mikki can defend herself even from surprise attacks
TELEVISED FIGHT–the big bout in Vegas that all the publicity has led up to; Mikki wins
Purpose– show Mikki’s skillset, show her resilience in fighting despite her recent grief over husband’s death and her panic about her daughter’s kidnapping! She couldn’t reschedule the fight and had to show up or lose by default. Since she donates 10% of her net earnings on all fights to Women’s Cancer Research, she pushes herself to suit up and show up in the cage
DISCOVERY–Mikki has done all she can to raise the ransom, but most of her wealth is tied up in her house and mortgages and she can’t get the cash. She begs the kidnappers to allow her more time. They allow another 48 hours
Purpose–show how ruthless the kidnappers are. At this point, we know that Shayla is the kidnapper, but Mikki still thinks it must be a stranger who targeted her for her apparent ability to pay a large ransom
ILLEGAL FIGHT–Mikki agrees to an illegal bout that will help her earn the rest of the ransom money, even though it could mean killing her career in the professional fight arenas
Purpose–show the length Mikki will go to get her daughter back; show how ruthless Shayla is with her intent to destroy all aspects of Mikki’s life
AMBUSH–after Mikki wins the illegal bout, the two thugs attack her and take the prize money
Purpose–what will Mikki do now to get the money? The clock is ticking to save her daughter’s life! Mikki doesn’t know how to reach the kidnappers to explain she is still short of the ransom amount, through no fault of her own.
DISCOVERY–Mikki tracks her daughter’s location and enlists Shayla’s help to go rescue her.
Purpose–set up more tension because we know that Shayla is actually the kidnapper who wants to kill Mikki
FAILED RESCUE–Shayla diverts Mikki from the real hiding place, and leads both of them into a supposed attack by the thugs; Shayla pretends to be injured
Purpose–reinforce Mikki’s belief that Shayla is on her side
CAR CHASE–Mikki wants to get something from Shayla’s mother Jayne (who is the sister of Mikki’s dad). Shayla is on Mikki’s trail
Purpose– villain is closing in on Mikki and yet Mikki still doesn’t know where her daughter is being held captive
DISCOVERY–Mikki goes to her Aunt Jayne’s house to get a weapon that belonged to her dad, and finds Jayne’s body.
Purpose–accelerate the action and fear
FIGHT– Shayla bursts in and attacks Mikki; Mikki fights back, gets evidence about where her daughter is and runs out, leaving Shayla tied up
Purpose–seeming victory for Mikki
RESCUE–Mikki finds her daughter and is carrying her to her car to take her home when Shayla drives up, blocking Mikki’s car so she cannot leave
Purpose–heightened tension for another battle
FINAL BATTLE– Mikki fights Shayla, using every illegal move she knows and some she invents on the spot!
Purpose–continue the battle to the end
FITTING END– Shayla’s hired thugs who were guarding the child come out and kill Shayla when she berates them for being losers. When the thugs turn on Mikki, she fights and defeats them without killing them, then calls the police and locks herself in her car with her daughter.
Purpose–show Mikki victorious in saving her daughter’s life and defeating her enemies.
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Evelyn’s Villain Track!
What I learned doing this assignment is to plot out the villain’s steps carefully so that they can become an exciting well-orchestrated dance with the hero’s steps that ramps up the excitement and audience engagement in the story.
My villain’s plan is pre-existing. In fact, Shayla has been plotting to bring down her cousin Mikki since they were little girls.
PREPARATION: Before the story opens, Shayla puts her plan in place, step by step, to kill her cousin Mikki, a champion MMA fighter, and then usurp her place in life: marry Mikki’s successful and handsome husband, adopt Mikki’s adorable little girl, run Mikki’s MMA fight studio, and, not the least, become the adored daughter of the extended close-knit family instead of the also-ran.
MISTAKE: Shayla neglects to confirm who is driving Mikki’s car (which has dark tinted windows) when she crashes into it, intending to kill Mikki. But Reinaldo is driving. He is killed. Mikki and her daughter Jordyn (5) are not seriously injured. As soon as Mikki has recovered enough to do so, she goes on the rampage to discover the identity of the hit-and-run driver and bring him/her to justice.
DILEMMA: Shayla didn’t have a plan B. The point was to kill Mikki without being found out. She can’t do something obvious that would give her away to the family, such as feeding Mikki something with shellfish that she’s deathly allergic to.
DECISION/STOP MIKKI FROM FIGHTING: Shayla sends two ruthless fighters to beat up Mikki so badly that she won’t be able to compete in the next MMA promotion.
RESULT: Mikki knocks out both attackers and comes out with only a few bruises.
PLAN/KIDNAP MIKKI’S DAUGHTER: Shayla staged a supposed gang entry into Mikki’s house in a gated community, kidnaps Jordyn and keeps her captive in a friend’s house, not letting the child see it’s her Aunt Shayla doing this.
PLAN/REDUCE MIKKI TO POVERTY: Shayla demands a $3 million ransom, knowing how much money Mikki has available, and gives her 72 hours to respond or Jordyn will die. Actually, Shayla intends to grab the money and flee with Jordyn to create a family life together.
RESULT: Mikki tries to negotiate, says she doesn’t have that kind of money, it’s all tied up in property and a new project her husband had just launched.
PLAN/HOOK MIKKI UP WITH LOAN SHARKS: Next best thing is bankrupt Mikki a different way by getting her involved with loan sharks and watch the repayment amount explode
VANTAGE POINT: Shayla stays close to the crisis, knowing all the details of both sides with her vantage position inside of the family, and soothing Mikki with false hope.
PLAN/BRING MIKKI TO HER KNEES: When Mikki has the money from the loan shark, Shayla’s two thugs rob her and beat her up.
RESULT: Mikki is broke and in the hospital, but contacts her wealthy supporters and–sidestepping the kidnapper’s instructions to not go to the authorities — borrows the $3 million
PLAN/BRING MIKKI TO THE KIDNAPPER’S LAIR: Shayla releases an anonymous tip about where Jordyn is being held, planning to kill Mikki when she arrives, and then flee with Jordyn to Mexico.
CAPTURE: Despite Shayla’s disguising mask and bodysuit, Mikki realizes who her opponent is and defeats her in an MMA fight, knowing all her cousin’s weaknesses. Mikki rescues her daughter and intends to take the defeated Shayla to the police.
ESCAPE: While Mikki is putting zip ties on Shayla, Shayla revives, leaps away from her, runs out and drives off in Mikki’s new car.
FITTING ENDING: Shayla crashes the car off an embankment and dies.
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Evelyn’s Hero’s Mission Track
What I learned doing this assignment is to follow the steps in the lesson without skipping the brainstorming and discovery processes just because I already have ideas that I like. Using the processes always takes me to ideas that I love even more.
1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.
A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? She is a trained UFC champion fighter and fearless when defending her own family
B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? Find and rescue her kidnapped child before the kidnappers kill the little girl
C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero? 1) internal desire to reunite with her little girl and 2) external ticking clock established by the kidnappers in which they’ll kill the child if our hero misses the ransom deadline
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain? Searching to unmask the kidnappers, arguing with family about contacting the FBI, following kidnappers’ rules, fighting masked rogue MMA brawlers who try to kill her, unmasking the lone kidnapper and bringing her down.
2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission:
Motivation: After Mikki wins the regional championship UFC strawweight class bout, and will be competing in the nationals, a hit-and-run car crash kills Mikki’s husband, and injures Mikki and her little girl age 5, Jordyn.
Inciting Incident: Someone kidnaps Jordyn and warns Mikki not to go to the FBI or local police, that they will kill Jordyn if she does so; and they give her 72 hours to pay $3 million or they will kill Jordyn.
First Action: Mikkie needs cash fast. She drains her bank accounts but falls short. There’s no time to sell or mortgage her house and luxury cars.
Mikki’s mission: get the money! She calls a promoter whom she’s always blown off and begs him to quickly organize an illegal bout for a $250k purse
Escalation: Before the bout, a masked fighter beats up Mikki, weakening her.
New mission: train fast, learn illegal throws, take performance-enhancing drugs she never uses, knowing this will be a dirty fight
Overwhelming Odds: Mikki shows up for the bout, determined to win, but her opponent is Bantamweight, 135 pounds, while Mikki is strawweight, 115 pounds–although Mikki is taller and has a longer reach. Mikki is driven by terror that her daughter will be killed, and so, fueled by adrenaline and steroids, she manages to defeat her opponent and win the money she desperately needs.
Twist: On the way home after the bout, someone [her cousin Shayla, the villain] attacks and robs Mikki, also taking her black card [and quickly charging tens of thousands of dollars on it]
Apparent defeat: Mikki will never be able to get the $3 million ransom in time to stop the kidnappers from killing her daughter
Apparent success: With the clock ticking, Mikki rallies her family to contribute, promising she’ll sell her house and pay them back as soon as she’s got Jordyn safely home. Mikki’s cousin Shayla donates the most money and encourages Mikki to keep up hope. IMPROVED ANSWER: with the clock ticking, Mikki goes to a loan shark Shayla tells her about and borrows the money she needs with a huge interest penalty.
Twist: We discover the kidnapper is Mikki’s cousin Shayla who caused the car accident and wants to keep Jordyn as her own daughter.
Full out Attack: As the kidnappers’ deadline nears, Mikki gets an anonymous clue where the kidnappers are holding Jordyn and goes there alone. She’s confronted with 6 fighters. She defeats all but the most vicious one (Shayla) but then knocks Shayla out in a one-on-one bout, finds Jordyn unharmed, and escapes with her child.
Success: Mikki realizes her cousin Shayla is the kidnapper, tracks her down, battles and defeats her in a gritty MMA fight with no rules; Mikki returns the money to the loan shark and threatens him with the police if he tries to get a dollar more from her. Then she takes Jordyn out to get pizza.
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Evelyn’s Hero and Villain
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep playing with the fill-in-the-blanks and stay open to ideas for improving my story
Concept: When a female MMA champion fighter uncovers the rival who destroyed her family and crippled her, she must defend her life and stop them from kidnapping her little boy.
Hero Morally Right: Mikki wants to save her son’s life and her own
Villain Morally Wrong: Sonya killed Mikki’s husband, intending to kill Mikki and usurp her place as wife and mother [improved answer, Sonya is either Mikki’s fraternal twin sister who has always been #2 in the family, or her cousin with a similar festering envy]
Hero
A. Unique Skill Set: Just won the title of national female MMA fighter and will be heading to the global championship representing USA
B. Motivation After the championship, her husband is killed in hit-and-run car accident, and her little boy is traumatized. [improved answer: Mikki is determined to find out who was driving and why they are still trying to kill her]
C. Secret or Wound She wants answers about her husband’s death–was he the target or was she? [improved answer: when she realizes her sister/cousin is the villain, she’s torn between turning her in and protecting the family as a whole; wants to find a peaceful solution] [another idea I keep going back and forth on is that Mikki loses her left leg in the car accident and so she’s at a total disadvantage when Sonya attacks her in dark places, so she could learn to fight dirty from Veteran amputees after she’s healed enough to wear a prosthetic leg. My original logline has her crippled, but I keep vacillating whether she is badly injured or actually loses a leg, and will let the idea simmer.]
Villain
A. Unbeatable Expert Sonya is an expert MA fighter in no-holds-barred fight clubs; fearless
B. Plan/Goal Anonymously kill Mikki and adopt Mikki’s little boy as her own child (improved answer: having proved infertile in her own marriage which just dissolved over that issue)
C. What they lose if Hero survives Everything important to her, family respect, chance to be a mother of a boy with her own DNA.
Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action Find out who the hit-and-run driver is
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best:. Must become a street fighter willing to break the rules
C. Destroy the Villain. Kill Sonya, knowing her family will hate her for doing it [improved answer: OR Mikki could manipulate a final fight with Sonya, turning it into a sting where Sonya admits her guilt and an undercover copy posing as a fighter arrests Sonya, thus avoiding losing the love and respect of her family if she kills her own sister/cousin]
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Evelyn’s Conventions!
What I learned doing this first assignment is to keep my ideas fluid and not get locked into what I’ve got so far as my concept. I started working on this idea when I signed up for the course, but after listening to the introduction audio just now, I used the 20 bad ideas brainstorming process, and came up with a couple of changes in what I’m posting here now, so that feels good! (At first, I was going to have the antagonist be a Russian fighter, but brainstorming pointed out that’s such a cliché I should remain open to fresher and edgier ideas!)
High concept: A crippled MMA champion female fighter must bring down the rival trying to kill her.
Highly Skilled Hero: Recently crippled champion female MMA fighter
Demand for Action: defend herself from the rival who still wants to kill her
Mission: Find and take down the woman who destroyed her family and her career in a car crash
Antagonist: the real antagonist is her protegee, who is setting her up to think the antagonist is the Russian MMA champion
Escalating Action: she’s fooled into thinking her protegee is also a target; discovers her protegee is actually her would-be killer, protegee has a cadre of supporters and she must defeat all of them outside the ring.
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Hi everyone! I’m Evelyn Brooks, in L.A. and I’ve taken a number of Hal’s classes over the years. It’s so good to be here for another SU class that I already know will elevate my writing. I’ve written about 20 scripts. My top 8 at this time have recommend coverage and I’ve been getting them out with some producers. My intention for 2023 is that this will be my year to shine and I hope that writing my first action thriller will be a key part of my success. Something unique about me might be that I just keep going like an Energizer Bunny. I keep writing, I keep learning how to improve my craft, and I keep brainstorming ideas. I can date my spirit of perseverance back to when I was in one of Hal’s earliest Pro Series courses!🙂 I’m in awe of my fellow writers and wish everyone a splendid adventure as we learn how to create highly marketable action film scripts. Cheers!
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Evelyn Brooks. I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Thank you so much for the great notes! I appreciate the feedback. Evelyn
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Hi John, I’d be happy to exchange feedback with you. Evelyn