[Diane Keranen]

For Matt, I found it helpful to change the way I’ve written his motivation, subtext, and logline. I need to remember to put in the words that are gripping rather than wording that is too broad.

For Stewart, very similar to the changes I made for Matt but also elevate his emotional range. Both of these characters go through dramatic changes in their emotional range and that wasn’t coming through more for Stewart than for Matt, but I see that now and can modify accordingly.

[Diane Keranen]

ACTOR ATTRACTOR Model for CHARACTER 1

Lead Character Name: Matt (Stewart’s son)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? This role takes a recently returned combat soldier through the challenges that make him consider taking his own life rather than providing an over-simplified happy ending for him.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? His want to return to his family and be a good husband, father, and son is blocked by combat-trauma making these relationships nearly impossible.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He seeks out his estranged father who is also a combat veteran. He tries to leave the war behind as his wife wants him to do. He denies the perspective of his father which puts a chance at reunification at risk. He chooses to end his life.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? We learn that his first goal is to go see his father, but instead he becomes intoxicated to the point of passing out and his hometown buddies take him to his father’s cabin so Matt wakes up there. Not at all how he wanted this to go.
5. What is this character’s emotional range? Hope to despair. Desperate to futile. Anxious to hopeless.
6. What subtext can the actor play? The conflict between doing what is expected of him by social norms but harmful to him personally and doing what is helpful to him personally but criticized by others (social norms).
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? The relationship with his father. The relationship with his wife.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? His wants most what he is most uncertain of how to attain.
9. What makes this character special and unique? He desperately wants to make life stable at home but knows he much choose between opposing paths (true vs fake) to make that happen.

ACTOR ATTRACTOR Model for CHARACTER 2

Lead Character Name: Stewart (Matt’s father)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? The role is timely for an older actor. Stewart is a Vietnam veteran who has struggled with life back home and managed to find a way to survive. Now that survival is put to the test.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He understands the dichotomy between hero/honor/patriotism and soldier/veteran/survivor and the way social norms want a hero but the combat affected veteran sees the idea of war differently.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He first denies he can help his son. He changes his mind when his wife convinces him to try. He ends up being the only one who can save his son’s life.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He’s a strong and steady character living a very careful, socially marginalized life of survival when his wife (he loves her very much) convinces him to hear Matt out and try to help him. They now have combat trauma in common and they understand each other better.
5. What is this character’s emotional range? Distant to engaged. Patient to enraged.
6. What subtext can the actor play? He loves his family deeply but sees the best way to protect them from himself is to keep them at a distance.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? The relationship with his son. The relationship with his wife.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? He’s smart about what it takes to survive in society with combat trauma.
9. What makes this character special and unique? He holds worldview that is contrary to what social norms would say is acceptable.

[Diane Keranen]

Actor Attractors

What I learned doing this assignment is that each and every bit of the script has heavy lifting to do.

Movie Title: Traffic

Lead Character Name: Robert Wakefield, a newly nominated “drug czar” in the drug war between the U.S. government and Mexican drug cartels.

Genre: Drama. This is a published version of the shooting script purchased in paperback form. Published in 2000 by Newmarket Press in New York.

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? The role takes a character through a wide range of personal realities from believing he is a powerful judge at the start to realizing how powerful addiction is at the end resulting in his recognition that the “war on drugs” is whole ineffective the way it is being waged.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? The character is in a powerful government position to fight the drug war while his daughter is a drug addict.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He meets with his predecessor who gives a surprise assessment of the position; he is bombarded by lobbyists with conflicting goals at a social gathering; he learns and is surprised that his wife and daughter have views that conflict with his new job; tries ineffective punishment when daughter knows a kid who overdosed and argues with his wife about what to do; meets with DA to make the case go away because it would be embarrassing and is confronted with the idea that his daughter could be on something too; goes to border to learn about enormous amount of drugs getting in; asks for out-of-the-box ideas to fight this battle; seeks info on his counterpart in Mexico; in denial that daughter needs help and clashes with wife; catches his daughter doing drugs in her bathroom and is stunned at how much drug paraphernalia she has and puts her in rehab; takes daughter’s friend Seth to help locate his daughter after she left rehab and gets a big wake-up call from Seth about street-level drug war; Robert secretly follows Seth who leads him to his daughter finding her passed out in a hotel room with a middle aged man intent on having sex with the extremely high daughter; gives a presser and tries to deliver a prepared speech that he knows is filled with posturing so he stops and walks out of the pressor and presumably his job; goes to therapy group with his wife and daughter.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He’s a confident judge sure he’s doing his part in punishing drug-related crime.
5. What is this character’s emotional range? Confident/arrogant to frustrated/determined to shocked to defeated to unsure but committed to recovery.
6. What subtext can the actor play? I’m the face of the war-on-drugs and I know I can make a difference while battling the newly discovered drug addiction in his own home.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His work relationships where the absurdity of the task is known and his relationship with his wife.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? His arrogance/confidence is situated at the start, his perception of his own arrogance is quickly brough into his focus, his also perceptive of contradictions that begin to chip at his confidence. These things make him ready to see the reality of the drug world rather than trying to stick to a status quo that isn’t working.
9. What makes this character special and unique? He grows personally over the course of the story.

A scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model:

SCENE A223:

INT. ROBERT’S CAR – DAY
Robert and Seth are parked across the street from Sketch’s building. They watch people, mostly white people, get what they need.

SETH
I don’t know, maybe we missed her.

ROBERT
I can’t believe you used to bring my daughter here, to this place.

SETH
Hey man, back the fuck up. To this place. What’s that shit? Right now, all over this country, a hundred thousand white people from the suburbs are driving around downtown asking every black person they see, You got any drugs? You know where I can get drugs? What kind of effect you think that has on the psyche of a black person, on their possibilities? If you sent a hundred thousand black people into your neighborhood, Indian Hills, and they asked every white person they see, hey, you got any drugs?, within a day, your friends and their kids would be selling. It’s market forces, man. The product’s marked up three hundred percent. You can go out on the street and make five hundred bucks in two hours and then do whatever you want for the rest of the day. You think white people would still be going to law school?

There’s a beat.

ROBERT
You’re starting to piss me off. Get out of the car.

Robert and Seth get out of the car and walk across the street.

End Scene: As Seth talks, we can see Robert’s arrogance waver and his confidence turn to doubt.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Outline Version 2

Title: Under Alcatraz
Logline: A group of adventurers explore a mysterious cave on Alcatraz Island and find themselves pursued by murderous water preventing anyone who ventures under the prison from leaving the island.

Horror Outline:

1. INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — (FLASHBACK – 1963) — OPENING SCENE

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT
Shaky lantern light and shadows reveal a tunnel leading to the cavern. Men run and yell to “go faster” as the light grows brighter. Four men are a blasted out of the tunnel by a fierce torrent of water. The four men, killed by the force of the water, lay still as the water and cavern go silent. The last lit lantern goes out.
Horror Situation: The water appears to be deliberately killing the men.
• Panic: The men are desperate to escape from the water.
• Horror: The men are all killed.
• Monster Reveal: The water is self-animated and murderous.
• Release: The calm of the cavern after the deaths.
END FLASHBACK

2. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — PATHWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group greets each other as they arrive on Alcatraz Island. They listen to instructions about the tours, then fall behind the main tour group to follow their alternate, self-guided, tour.

3. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — ROCKY PATH — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds the rumored cave and debate among them whether or not to go in.

4. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — CAVE — DAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After entering the cave, the group finds the stone door deep inside the cave.

5. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group enters and explores the hallway and the cells along the hallway.
Horror Situation: They are about to realize they are trapped.
• Monster Reveal: The water closes the door and hides it.

6. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds they are trapped.
Horror Situation: After exploring the underground hallway, the group can’t find the door to get out.
• Confusion: The door should be there. It’s a straight hallway.
• Anxiety: We can’t get out if we can’t find the door.
• Suspense: They might be lost for a long time. No one knows they are here.
• Release: They form a plan to seek an alternate way out.

7. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Water floods through the hallway.
Horror Situation: Water starts filling the hallway becoming waist deep and swirling.
• Fear: The fast-rising water comes from unknown origin and they can’t escape it.
• Release: The water goes away and they are fine, but…
• Anxiety: …one of them is missing,
• Confusion: Uncertainty about if someone is missing
• Release: Talk themselves into being mistaken (other than Travis).
• Monster Reveal: The water takes one of them.
• Suspense: Only one of them is sure someone is missing, the other deny it.

8. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After the water drains from the hallway, the group finds the passage to the catacombs and decide to look for a way out. If the water got out, so can they.

9. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group goes into the catacombs looking for escape.

10. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water comes again.
Horror Situation: Water begins to run through the catacombs and rapidly gets deeper and faster. Another of the group is missing when the water goes away.
• Surprise: The all know Frankie is missing after the water leaves.
• Confusion: They don’t know what is going on with the water coming and going so quickly.
• Denial: Frankie could be pranking them by faking his disappearance.
• Apprehension: If he’s not pranking them, two of the group could now be missing.

• Monster Reveal: The group knows for sure that the water is taking them.

11. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group continues through the catacombs looking for a way out.

12. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS

The group experiences a sudden scare.
Horror Situation: The level of fear is revealed to the group.
• Scare: The last in line suddenly screams out and their flashlight hits the ground and goes out.
• Suspense: Another of them could be gone.
• Release: Isabel tripped. Yells to the others that she’s okay.
• Scare: Someone at the front of the line screams.
• Suspense: Travis nearly vomits.
• Shock: Travis shines his flashlight on a severed hand.

13. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Having found the severed hand, the group changes course to go back and try to find the door again.

14. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group rushes back to return to the hallway where they first got lost but are blocked by the water that attacks them.
Horror Situation: The water is not behaving like water. It swirls and rises up oddly.
• Shock: They stop retreating and watch the water as it comes closer to them
• Suspense: Chester doesn’t believe the water is acting weird, that it’s just the flashlight lighting that makes it look so odd.
• Surprise: Chester goes into the water and becomes entrapped.
• Anguish: The group watches as the water actually grabs Chester and pulls him through the passage. Chester screams that the water is holding him. The water suddenly rushes toward the group, they try to get out of the way by stepping aside and the grab at Chester who screams and is unable to reach out to them. The water then reaches up in the shape of a hand covers his mouth. When they grab for him, the water drags him under. The group watches as wide-eyed Chester is dragged down into the catacombs.
• Suspense: Going back was no longer an option, they look at each other then turn to go deeper into the catacombs.

15. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They can’t go back so they continue deeper into the catacombs. They express regrets for coming into the caves and hopes that they can get out.

16. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Bonnie and Vincent, lover interests, stay close together as the group goes down another level into the catacombs.
Horror Situation: The space is tighter, colder, wetter.
• Dread: Even though the water is after them and they are going deeper under the island, they have no choice but to continue.

17. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
This level is more rustic. The ground is more uneven, the wall more course, the ceiling lower, and everything is growing more damp.
Horror Situation: Vincent falls into a puddle and he and Bonnie shout out, the water comes again.
• Anguish: The puddle water swirls up and grabs Vincent.
• Fear: A loud screech blasts through the passage that seems to come from everywhere.
• Panic: Bonnie tries to pull Vincent out of the water, Harold tries to help, the others are looking around for where the screech is coming from.
• Horror: A wall of water approaches from behind them. It has arms reaching out and legs pulling it toward the trapped man. Vincent is taken by the water in front of the others.

18. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES— UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After Vincent’s death. The group grapples with what to do next. The succumb to anxiety and decide to hurry as fast as they can to the end of the catacombs in hope there’s a way out.

19. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining five members are hurrying, quietly as they can, through the increasingly rustic catacombs. They come out into a large, rocky cavern. In the cavern is a pool of water.

20. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining members of the group arrive at the cavern with the pond. They are wet, tattered, cold, and banged up. They look around. Trapped again.
Horror Situation: Remaining members of the group reach the dead-end cavern with the pond where they find skeletons, long-dead bodies, and the corpses of the other group member that were taken by the water.
• Surprise: They reach what appears to be the end of the catacombs.
• Release: At least it’s quiet here and they seem safe for now.
• Apprehension: They wonder what this means. Do they need to go back?
• Fear: The find the many dead bodies from different times (very old pirate remains, the Alcatraz prison escapee bones in prison garb, newer dead bodies of probable adventurers like themselves, and the dead bodies of the missing members of their group.
• Anguish: They believe there is no way out and they will die here.
• Panic: When one sees a possible way out, he throws caution to the wind and tries to escape.
• Horror: The one who panicked and tried to escape, is killed and ripped apart in front of the others with blood and body parts being strewn around them and the cavern.

21. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Ghoulie notices there’s a light area under the pond and whispers to let the others know. They turn off their lights and look.

22. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Suddenly, Ghoulie goes gets overly excited into a state of panic and hysteria. He screams that he’s going to swim for it.

Horror Situation: Ghoulie panics and jumps in the water to swim to get out from under the island.
• Panic: Ghoulie shouts that there’s a way out.
• Scare: The others yell for him to be quiet.
• Horror: The water screeches and swirls up. The all hide except for Ghoulie. The water blasts him against the ceiling of the cavern. When the water calms, Ghoulie’s body is torn and tattered with bones visible. His lifeless remains rest on the floor of the cavern.
• Hysteria & Anguish: Bonnie sobs silently. Harold sits on a large rock and holds his arms up around his head in anguish.
• Release: Isabel suggests they get weapons from the pile of bodies.

23. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel collects bones and a skull.

24. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They wait but not for long.
Horror Situation: Travis taunts the water by yelling. It obliges and comes for them again.
• Horror: The water grabs Travis as the other fight the water with their weapons. But the water drags Travis down into the pool. They see him dragged down with arms reaching for help.
• Hysteria: Harold and Bonnie fight the water with all they have. Screaming and yelling.
• Anguish: They can’t find Isabel.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel is fighting the water differently. She’s chanting something over an arrangement of bones that look like the Jolly Roger flag design. She’s repeating a chant to chase away the cursed water.

26. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water lets out one final terrifying screech before retreating back into the pool.

27. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water is done with them but they are still trapped. Isabel stands and looks at Bonnie and Harold. Harold, exhausted, still holds his weapons. Bonnie cries and collapses down to sit on a boulder at the edge of the pool.
• Scare: The water ripples.
• Dread: Isabel, Bonnie, and Harold all prepare to fight it again.
• Release: Travis pops up out of the water.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Travis tells them that the tunnel does indeed lead out to the Bay. He saw the dark water pass by him and head for the deep. It’s over. They can leave.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that my horror story is almost complete! I’ve got non-horror parts to fill in, but overall, I learned the skills and techniques to finish the script and ramp up the level of horror at appropriate levels. Awesome course.

1. INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — (FLASHBACK – 1963) — OPENING SCENE

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT
Shaky lantern light and shadows reveal a tunnel leading to the cavern. Men run and yell to “go faster” as the light grows brighter. Four men are a blasted out of the tunnel by a fierce torrent of water. The four men, killed by the force of the water, lay still as the water and cavern go silent. The last lit lantern goes out.
Horror Situation: The water appears to be deliberately killing the men.
• Panic: The men are desperate to escape from the water.
• Horror: The men are all killed.
• Monster Reveal: The water is self-animated and murderous.
• Release: The calm of the cavern after the deaths.
END FLASHBACK

2. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — PATHWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group greets each other as they arrive on Alcatraz Island. They listen to instructions about the tours, then fall behind the main tour group to follow their alternate, self-guided, tour.

3. EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — ROCKY PATH — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds the rumored cave and debate among them whether or not to go in.

4. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — CAVE — DAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After entering the cave, the group finds the stone door deep inside the cave.

5. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group enters and explores the hallway and the cells along the hallway.
Horror Situation: They are about to realize they are trapped.
• Monster Reveal: The water closes the door and hides it.

6. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group finds they are trapped.
Horror Situation: After exploring the underground hallway, the group can’t find the door to get out the way they came in.
• Confusion: The door should be there. It’s a straight hallway.
• Anxiety: We can’t get out if we can’t find the door.
• Suspense: They might be lost for a long time. No one knows they are here.
• Release: They form a plan to seek an alternate way out.

7. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND HALLWAY — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Water floods through the hallway.
Horror Situation: Water starts filling the hallway becoming waist deep and swirling.
• Fear: The fast-rising water comes from unknown origin and they can’t escape it.
• Release: The water goes away and they are fine, but…
• Anxiety: …one of them is missing,
• Confusion: Uncertainty about if someone is missing
• Release: Talk themselves into being mistaken (other than Travis).
• Monster Reveal: The water takes one of them.
• Suspense: Only one of them is sure someone is missing, the other deny it.

8. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After the water drains from the hallway, the group finds the passage to the catacombs and decide to look for a way out. If the water got out, so can they.

9. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group goes into the catacombs looking for escape.

10. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water comes again.
Horror Situation: Water begins to run through the catacombs and rapidly gets deeper and faster. Another of the group is missing when the water goes away.
• Surprise: The all know Frankie is missing after the water leaves.
• Confusion: They don’t know what is going on with the water coming and going so quickly.
• Denial: Frankie could be pranking them by faking his disappearance.
• Apprehension: If he’s not pranking them, two of the group could now be missing.

11. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group continues through the catacombs looking for a way out.

12. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS

The group experiences a sudden scare.
Horror Situation: The level of fear is revealed to the group.
• Scare: The last in line suddenly screams out and their flashlight hits the ground and goes out.
• Suspense: Another of them could be gone.
• Release: Isabel tripped. Yells to the others that she’s okay.
• Scare: Someone at the front of the line screams.
• Suspense: Travis nearly vomits.
• Shock: Travis shines his flashlight on a severed hand.

13. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Having found the severed hand, the group changes course to go back and try to find the door again.

14. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The group rushes back to return to the hallway where they first got lost but are blocked by the water that attacks them.
Horror Situation: The water is not behaving like water. It swirls and rises up oddly.
• Shock: They stop retreating and watch the water as it comes closer to them
• Suspense: Chester doesn’t believe the water is acting weird, that it’s just the flashlight lighting that makes it look so odd.
• Surprise: Chester goes into the water and becomes entrapped.
• Anguish: The group watches as the water actually grabs Chester and pulls him through the passage. Chester screams that the water is holding him. The water suddenly rushes toward the group, they try to get out of the way by stepping aside and the grab at Chester who screams and is unable to reach out to them. The water then reaches up in the shape of a hand covers his mouth. When they grab for him, the water drags him under. The group watches as wide-eyed Chester is dragged down into the catacombs.
• Suspense: Going back was no longer an option, they look at each other then turn to go deeper into the catacombs.

15. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They can’t go back so they continue deeper into the catacombs. They express regrets for coming into the caves and hopes that they can get out.

16. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Bonnie and Vincent, lover interests, stay close together as the group goes down another level into the catacombs.
Horror Situation: The space is tighter, colder, wetter.
• Dread: Even though the water is after them and they are going deeper under the island, they have no choice but to continue.

17. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
This level is more rustic. The ground is more uneven, the wall more course, the ceiling lower, and everything is growing more damp.
Horror Situation: Vincent falls into a puddle and he and Bonnie shout out, the water comes again.
• Anguish: The puddle water swirls up and grabs Vincent.
• Fear: A loud screech blasts through the passage that seems to come from everywhere.
• Panic: Bonnie tries to pull Vincent out of the water, Harold tries to help, the others are looking around for where the screech is coming from.
• Horror: A wall of water approaches from behind them. It has arms reaching out and legs pulling it toward the trapped man. Vincent is taken by the water in front of the others.

18. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — DEEP CAVES— UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
After Vincent’s death. The group grapples with what to do next. The succumb to anxiety and decide to hurry as fast as they can to the end of the catacombs in hope there’s a way out.

19. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining five members are hurrying, quietly as they can, through the increasingly rustic catacombs. They come out into a large, rocky cavern. In the cavern is a pool of water.

20. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The remaining members of the group arrive at the cavern with the pond. They are wet, tattered, cold, and banged up. They look around. Trapped again.
Horror Situation: Remaining members of the group reach the dead-end cavern with the pond where they find skeletons, long-dead bodies, and the corpses of the other group member that were taken by the water.
• Surprise: They reach what appears to be the end of the catacombs.
• Release: At least it’s quiet here and they seem safe for now.
• Apprehension: They wonder what this means. Do they need to go back?
• Fear: The find the many dead bodies from different times (very old pirate remains, the Alcatraz prison escapee bones in prison garb, newer dead bodies of probable adventurers like themselves, and the dead bodies of the missing members of their group.
• Anguish: They believe there is no way out and they will die here.
• Panic: When one sees a possible way out, he throws caution to the wind and tries to escape.
• Horror: The one who panicked and tried to escape, is killed and ripped apart in front of the others with blood and body parts being strewn around them and the cavern.

21. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Ghoulie notices there’s a light area under the pond and whispers to let the others know. They turn off their lights and look.

22. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Suddenly, Ghoulie goes gets overly excited into a state of panic and hysteria. He screams that he’s going to swim for it.

Horror Situation: Ghoulie panics and jumps in the water to swim to get out from under the island.
• Panic: Ghoulie shouts that there’s a way out.
• Scare: The others yell for him to be quiet.
• Horror: The water screeches and swirls up. The all hide except for Ghoulie. The water blasts him against the ceiling of the cavern. When the water calms, Ghoulie’s body is torn and tattered with bones visible. His lifeless remains rest on the floor of the cavern.
• Hysteria & Anguish: Bonnie sobs silently. Harold sits on a large rock and holds his arms up around his head in anguish.
• Release: Isabel suggests they get weapons from the pile of bodies.

23. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel collects bones and a skull.

24. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
They wait but not for long.
Horror Situation: Travis taunts the water by yelling. It obliges and comes for them again.
• Horror: The water grabs Travis as the other fight the water with their weapons. But the water drags Travis down into the pool. They see him dragged down with arms reaching for help.
• Hysteria: Harold and Bonnie fight the water with all they have. Screaming and yelling.
• Anguish: They can’t find Isabel.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Isabel is fighting the water differently. She’s chanting something over an arrangement of bones that look like the Jolly Roger flag design. She’s repeating a chant to chase away the cursed water.

26. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water lets out one final terrifying screech before retreating back into the pool.

27. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
The water is done with them but they are still trapped. Isabel stands and looks at Bonnie and Harold. Harold, exhausted, still holds his weapons. Bonnie cries and collapses down to sit on a boulder at the edge of the pool.
• Scare: The water ripples.
• Dread: Isabel, Bonnie, and Harold all prepare to fight it again.
• Release: Travis pops up out of the water.

25. INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND — UNDERGROUND CAVERN — UNLIT/FLASHLIGHTS
Travis tells them that the tunnel does indeed lead out to the Bay. He saw the dark water pass by him and head for the deep. It’s over. They can leave.

[Diane Keranen]

1. Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that no matter how attentive I am to writing a scene, much more can be happening than I first thought so going back and digging deeper to examine the emotions that are playing out I can better understand and therefore rewrite for a more emotional experience for the audience.

A — Horror Situation – Climax Scene – Remaining members of the group reach the dead-end cavern with the pond where they find skeletons, long-dead bodies, and the corpses of the other group member that were taken by the water.

B —Range of emotions: Confusion to Horrified
Sequence of emotions
• Surprise
• Apprehension
• Fear
• Anguish
• Panic
• Horror

C – Physical action of emotions:
• Surprise: They reach what appears to be the end of the catacombs.
• Apprehension: They wonder what this means. Do they need to go back?
• Fear: The find the many dead bodies from different times (very old pirate remains, the Alcatraz prison escapee bones in prison garb, newer dead bodies of probable adventurers like themselves, and the dead bodies of the missing members of their group.
• Anguish: They believe there is no way out and they will die here.
• Panic: When one sees a possible way out, he throws caution to the wind and tries to escape.
• Horror: The one who panicked and tried to escape, is killed and ripped apart in front of the others with blood and body parts being strewn around them and the cavern.

D — Scares and releases:
• Surprise: They reach what appears to be the end of the catacombs.
• Release: At least it’s quiet here and they seem safe for now.
• Apprehension: They wonder what this means. Do they need to go back?
• Surprise/scare: The cavern is damp, dark, and with many large boulders to climb on and over. The water rushes out of the passage they were just in, but they can hide among the boulders.
• Fear: The find the many dead bodies from different times (very old pirate remains, the Alcatraz prison escapee bones in prison garb, newer dead bodies of probable adventurers like themselves, and the dead bodies of the missing members of their group.
• Release: They figure out that if they are quiet, the water calms down giving them time to think.
• Anguish: They believe there is no way out and they will die here.
• Scare: They can’t figure out how to get out.
• Panic: When one sees a possible way out, he throws caution to the wind and tries to escape.
• Surprise/scare: One of them notices the light in a tunnel in the pond jumps in to get out through the tunnel.
• Horror: The one who panicked and tried to escape, is killed and ripped apart in front of the others with blood and body parts being strewn around them and the cavern.

2. Write the scene:

SCENE:

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND DEEP CAVERN — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The remaining members of the group arrive at the cavern with the pond. They are wet, tattered, cold, and banged up.

TRAVIS
Hey! Look!

His voice echoes through the cavern and the water stirs up. Isabel encourages everyone to quiet down and the water calms once more.

Travis aims his light at bodies piled and lined up along the walls of the cavern. Blake, Frankie, Chester, and Vincent are lined up with older bodies and with older skeletons of four prisoners and beyond them are even older skeletons of pirates.

Scattered among them are weapons of pirates. The find swords, machetes, knives, and hatchets.

BONNIE
(sobbing)
Oh my god.

HAROLD
Those are the prisoners who escaped and were never seen again. I’m sure of it.

With the flashlights examining the bodies. Ghoulie notices something odd about the pond.

GHOULIE
(whispers)
Turn off your lights. Look.

From under the water, he can see the shimmer of a light shine from the depths.

GHOULIE
(shouts)
We made it! There’s a tunnel to the outside. We did guys. We did it! This is the way out! I’m gonna swim for it!

Without hesitation, Ghoulie takes a big breath and dives in the water.

The others gasp and call him back.

Suddenly there’s a deafening scream and the group ducks and hides behind rocks. The water blasts out of the pond and throws Ghoulie against the top of the cavern.

The water continues to blast his body against the rock with great force. The water turns red and bits of Ghoulie slam against the walls of the cavern. When the water calms, only Ghoulie’s body is torn and tattered with bones visible. His remains fall to the floor of the cavern.

The others shudder, wide-eyed at the horror and struggle to remain silent.

Bonnie, Harold, Travis, and Isobel remain of the original nine adventurers. Bonnie sobs silently. Harold sits on a large rock and holds his arms up around his head in anguish. Travis stares at the mess that was Ghoulie and shakes. Isobel, deep concentration on her face, shines her light around the cavern.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments!

What I learned doing this assignment is that there’s always room for more scare techniques.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND CATACOMBS — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The group moves through the catacombs that are not as finished as the hallway. There are carved steps and level floor to walk on, but the walls are rough and damp.

TRAVIS
I’m telling you. He’s gone. He kept talking to me about dumb stuff, making stuff up. What the heck was his name.

CHESTER
I don’t know, man. You sure? It seems like everyone is here. Maybe he went back. We should go back.

They walk for a moment in silence. Travis suddenly bursts out loud…

TRAVIS
Blake! His name. It’s Blake. The skinny kid that wouldn’t shut up.

Suddenly there’s a terrified scream from the back of the group. It’s Isabel who is last in line. Everyone turns and aims their light back where she should be. She’s gone.

TRAVIS
You still want to go back?

CHESTER
Isabel?

Just then, Isabel comes into view.

ISABEL
I tripped.
(she pauses)
On this.

She holds an extra flashlight.

ISABEL
I found it on the ground. That missing kid must have dropped it when the water took him. Did any of you drop this?

They look around at each other. Everyone has their flashlight.

ISABEL
I didn’t think so. That kid must have dropped it when the water took him.

CHESTER
We should go back to the hallway and look for the door again. What if the water goes up again?

Chester turns to go back, but no one follows.

CHESTER
Well, I’m going back to look for the door. You all can get washed away if you want. I’m getting back out.

Chester marches off.

Bonnie, near the front of the group lets out a horrific scream.

Everyone’s lights quickly turn in her direction. She’s back against the wall. She points at the ground. It’s a hand.

BONNIE

Oh, god, I stepped on it!

A creeped out guttural gasp escapes her.

TRAVIS
That must be Blake’s.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is to increase the level of horror all the way to a climax of hero vs monster? Horror that is visible and palpable.

SCENE:

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND DEEP CAVERN — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The remaining members of the group arrive at the cavern with the pond. They are wet, tattered, cold, and banged up.

TRAVIS
Hey! Look!

His voice echoes through the cavern and the water stirs up. Isabel encourages everyone to quiet down and the water calms once more.

Travis aims his light at bodies piled and lined up along the walls of the cavern. Blake, Frankie, Chester, and Vincent are lined up with older bodies and with older skeletons of four prisoners and beyond them are even older skeletons of pirates.

Scattered among them are weapons of pirates. The find swords, machetes, knives, and hatchets.

BONNIE
(sobbing)
Oh my god.

HAROLD
Those are the prisoners who escaped and were never seen again. I’m sure of it.

With the flashlights examining the bodies. Ghoulie notices something odd about the pond.

GHOULIE
(whispers)
Turn off your lights. Look.

From under the water, he can see the shimmer of a light shine from the depths.

GHOULIE
(shouts)
We made it! There’s a tunnel to the outside. We did guys. We did it! This is the way out! I’m gonna swim for it!

Without hesitation, Ghoulie takes a big breath and dives in the water.

The others gasp and call him back.

Suddenly there’s a deafening scream and the group ducks and hides behind rocks. The water blasts out of the pond and throws Ghoulie against the top of the cavern.

The water continues to blast his body against the rock with great force. The water turns red and bits of Ghoulie slam against the walls of the cavern. When the water calms, only Ghoulie’s body is torn and tattered with bones visible. His remains fall to the floor of the cavern.

The others shudder, wide-eyed at the horror and struggle to remain silent.

Bonnie, Harold, Travis, and Isobel remain of the original nine adventurers. Bonnie sobs silently. Harold sits on a large rock and holds his arms up around his head in anguish. Travis stares at the mess that was Ghoulie and shakes. Isobel, deep concentration on her face, shines her light around the cavern.

ISABEL
(quietly)
I know what to do.

The others slowly come out of their terror. Bonnie holds her hand over her mouth afraid she might make a sound. Harold raises his head, lowers his arms and pays attention to Isabel. Travis remains the same, shaking and staring at Ghoulie’s remains.

ISABEL
(quietly)
Slowly, silently, find a sword or something to use to fight.

Bonnie and Harold look around. Bonnie finds a rusted sword and picks it up. It loosens a rock that rattles. She stops. They all look at the water. It ripples then calms. Bonnie shakes, takes a deep breath and picks up the sword in silence.

Harold quietly picks up a sword in one hand and a machete in the other.

Isabel searches through the old bones and corpses searching for her weapon of choice.

ISABEL
We need to be ready to fight back against the water when it comes again.

Now Travis looks away from Ghoulie.

TRAVIS
Why would it come again? What does it want with us?

The others motion for Travis to quiet down. But it’s too late. The water swirls up. Travis screams as the water wraps around him. He strikes at it with his fists.

Bonnie and Harold join in and slash at the water. Travis fights to get free but is trapped.

Isabel hurries to find what she needs to fight.

Bonnie, Harold, and Travis fight the water. It drags Travis closer to the turbulent pond. Travis screams for help.

HAROLD
Stop screaming! Keep your breath!

Travis tries to control his fear.

Isabel is off to the side of the cavern crouched down and doing something with what she found.

Travis’ light shoots in all directions through the cavern as he fights to keep his feet.

Bonnie’s and Harold’s lights are set down and shine across the cavern.

Isabel’s light is out.

Travis is pulled to the edge of the pond. He’s now waist deep in the water and holds on to rocks at the edge of the pond.

BONNIE
Isabel! Where are you?

HAROLD
Help us fight it!

They hear Isabel say something. But she doesn’t answer them and she doesn’t join in the fight.

The water riles up as it gets out of reach of Bonnie and Harold. The water screams and takes Travis into the pond. They see his light fade under the water.

ISABEL
… where you long ago rose up. Ghyllana, go back to the depths from where you long ago rose up.

Isabel repeats the chant growing louder and louder with each repetition.
Isabel is nearly shouting her chant. She kneels on a flat rock. In front of her is the skull and crossbones arrangement with real bones.

She continues to chant. The water, no longer swirling in the cavern seems to be looking for Isabel. A column of water rises up and reaches toward Isabel.

Bonnie and Harold move toward it and wield their weapons. The water strikes the weapons from their hands and continues toward Isabel.

ISABEL
(shouting)
Down, down, down! Ghyllana!

Then louder she shouts with her hands raised, palms up and arms wide.

ISABEL
Ghyllana! Go down, go back to the depths from where you long ago rose up!

The water shrieks, rises up, and splashes down into the pond in a swirling, screaming roar.

Bonnie and Harold shine their lights at the pond and watch as the water calms down. Both are stunned.

Isabel steps up behind them. Bonnie jumps. Harold turns.

ISABEL

We can go now.

But then the water starts to churn.

All three look in at the water in bewilderment.

ISABEL
No. It can’t be.

Bonnie and Harold find their weapons and hold them up just as Travis’ head pops up through the surface.

Everyone freezes.

TRAVIS
Whoa! Ghoulie was right. There’s a tunnel that goes out to the Bay.

Bonnie, Harold, Isabel, and Travis all relax. Harold helps Travis out of the pond and laughs.

TRAVIS
It pulled me out through the tunnel and started going deep. Then it let me go. I saw it, black as night, go back into the tunnel. I thought it was coming for you. Then all of a sudden, the blackness just shot down into the deep water.

ISABEL
Okay. Now we can go.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is how to cram these emotions closer together and to skip the extra description. This scene was revised several times to edit out rambling wording that diminished the emotions. I learned to avoid doing that.

SCENE:

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND CATACOMBS — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The group moves through the catacombs that are not as finished as the hallway. There are carved steps and level floor to walk on, but the walls are rough and damp.

TRAVIS
I’m telling you. He’s gone. He kept talking to me about dumb stuff, making stuff up. What the heck was his name.

CHESTER
I don’t know. It seems like everyone is here.

TRAVIS
Blake. It’s Blake. The skinny kid that wouldn’t shut up.

ISABEL
The water took him. Look.

Isabel at the back of the group points out a flashlight on the ground.

ISABEL
Did any of you drop this?

They look around at each other. Everyone has their flashlight.

ISABEL
I didn’t think so.

CHESTER
We should go back to the hallway and look for the door again. What if the water goes up again?

Chester turns to go back, but no one follows.

TRAVIS
He’s right. We need to get out of here. We need to do it now.

VINCENT
We can’t go back. We looked everywhere we could. Whatever happened that closed that doorway, it’s not there anymore.

HAROLD
I don’t know if anyone is missing or not, but we probably should have done a headcount when we came in here. Now we know for sure that there are eight of us. Everyone be sure to have a buddy to keep track of.

FRANKIE
Come on Travis. I’ll keep an eye on you and you on me, okay. Maybe that Blake kid was here, maybe not. But, by my supply count, we could be one short.

TRAVIS
Well, I’m sure. There was nine. Now we’re eight. Doesn’t matter what you all say.

FRANKIE
C’mon. Let’s keep going. If the water gets in, it gets out. So can we.

The group continues deeper into the catacombs.

Isabel, at the back hears a noise behind her. She looks down. It’s a trickle of water that wasn’t there before.

ISABLE
Uh oh. Look at this.

The others turn to see. Several flashlights find the trickle.

Suddenly, they hear a roar coming from behind them. They look as all flashlights turn to light up the passage where they came from. First a few splashes of water, then a rapid flow, and then a torrent rushes toward them.

Screams of horror and shouts to hold on to something mix with the roar of the water.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned doing this assignment is that the conventions are all essential parts so support the MIS and the MIS are very specific elements and different from each other.

Logline: Assistant DA Nikky Gadsen is preparing her closing arguments for a cut-and-dried capital murder case that will make her career when an anonymous tip reveals the defendants are innocent and about to be murdered themselves.

The conventions of my story:
• Unwitting by resourceful hero: Nikky Gadsen, Assistant DA who fought to get this case to launch her career.
• Dangerous villain: The two actual murderers who want to kill the defendants before the case breaks wide open.
• High stakes: Nikky’s career could be over, innocent defendants could be killed
• Life and death situations: mainly the defendants, but anyone getting in the way when the killers comes for them.
• This story is thrilling because it pits a cunning, African-American Assistant DA who is prosecuting two young African-American boys in a case driven by election politics where the current DA uses her to show the office is not racist in its prosecutions. When Nikky discovers the evidence that her prosecution is unsubstantiated, she must find a way to salvage her career before the real killers murder the defendants and put an end to the case.

The Big M.I.S of the story is:
• Big Mystery: who are the real killers?
• Big Intrigue: can Nikky save her career with the new evidence?
• Big Suspense: can Nikky find the killers in time to save the defendants and her career?

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is that 1) ChatGPT is fun to use and interestingly helpful in the way it reshaped ideas for me, and 2) my rewrite phase will be fascinating to work through.

1. A soldier considers suicide after he returns from combat, unless he can find a life worth living.

2. What’s a stake? This is one most interesting way to present the story because the veteran’s life is at stake. Dilemma is another. (Main Conflict could be another but it depends on my rewrite choices.)

3. I’m writing a story about the veteran suicide epidemic.

4. Chat GPT assisted High Concept Pitch:

A soldier on the brink of suicide during and emotionally charged homecoming must reconcile with his estranged veteran father to confront their wounds and discover a renewed meaning of life.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is to practice the exercise of conceptualizing the story’s details into broad, yet interesting, strokes. And how tempting it is to add too much of the story details. This will take practice, but the principles of MIT and COM are so very helpful.

Title: Not Dead Yet
Written by Diane Keranen
Genre: Drama

Suicide become an option for Matt, a soldier returning from combat. That is, unless he can find a life worth living.

As Independence Day festivities build, Matt’s son, Jake, learns to kill while hunting. His traumatic response to taking life is celebrated by his peers and elders. Being told his dad will be proud of his hunting skill and facing ridicule for show weakness, Jake hides his true reaction and steps onto the path of trauma, isolation, and family disfunction that haunts his father and grandfather.

Three generations struggle with trauma as Independence Day approaches. Each face dilemmas of choosing between life and death when the crushing weight of admiration of strangers and friends and the love of family put each at odds with their own lives.

What, then, does each discover while not dead yet?

The hooks I came up with:
1. The script is a timely and unique, high-concept, veteran story – there isn’t a magical fix at the end.
2. The major hook at the beginning. A ten-year-old boy is traumatized when he shoots and kills a rabbit.
3. One major twist is that the villain respects the veteran, the villain harms the veteran, and the villain knows harm is being imposed.
4. Profound experience for the audience.
5. Strong emotional dilemmas for the veterans.
6. Suicide becomes an option.
7. Great roles for actors.
8. Wide audience appeal.
9. While not a true story, it is true to life.
10. Budget friendly.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned doing this assignment is that my image of the villain and hero was too indistinct for my writing. While I thought I had a clear idea of them in my mind, effective wording was difficult to find. The next level of this problem was working to define more clearly the concepts in order to communicate them to producers and thereby avoiding feeling the need to add too many story details. Great assignment!

1. The script is a timely and unique, high-concept, veteran story – there isn’t a magical fix at the end.
2. The major hook at the beginning. A ten-year-old boy is traumatized when he shoots and kills a rabbit.
3. One major twist is that the villain respects the veteran, the villain harms the veteran, and the villain knows harm is being imposed.
4. Profound experience for the audience.
5. Strong emotional dilemmas for the veterans.
6. Suicide becomes an option.
7. Great roles for actors.
8. Wide audience appeal.
9. While not a true story, it is true to life.
10. Budget friendly.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane presents to 1) Producer and 2) Manager

What I learned today is to be attentive to the needs of who I am presenting myself and my work to in order to demonstrate that I understand their needs and not just my own.

1. I would focus on presenting my project as something that demonstrates quality writing, characters, and story and can be pitched to audiences, actors, directors/crews, and financing sources. I might look something like this:

The script for Not Dead Yet presents a fresh perspective on the veteran film and offers a profound and captivating story for audiences from military families to those who enjoy provocative and poignant stories. Not Dead Yet is a drama about the journey of combat veterans face post combat zone through three generations of a family as they cope with the excitement of returning home having survived the war, the stress of killing vs being killed, and the combat stress that leads some veterans to consider life-ending measures.

2. I would focus on presenting my project as a writer who is thoughtful about dramatic stories, skillful to build strong characters and engaging stories, and welcoming of feedback and ideas from collaborators who want to make exciting and compelling dramatic films. It might look something like this:

As a writer I’m happy to develop ideas and inspirations into stories that are interesting, provocative, and inspiring. My specialty is drama and my writing process would start with initial ideas and work them through my creative machinations to develop them into scripts that a producer would be excited to pitch to investors, talent, and markets. My completed script Not Dead Yet has benefited from my diligence as a writer as well the ideas of friends and colleagues who have elevated the original draft in numerous ways.

[Diane Keranen]

Finding what is special about my characters

Matt—
Trait: Dutiful becomes Controlling (more intense)
Subtext: Matt’s is on a mission is to reunify with his father and family rather than an objective. (odd)
Need: Needs to make things work at home because he’s not able to redeploy. (intense)

Trait: Forthright becomes Tentative (less intense)
Subtext: Matt tries to figure out what everyone else wants him to do. (odd)
Need: Needs to figure out where everyone else is before he can know where to fit in (profound)

Trait: Anxious becomes Humorous (odd)
Subtext: Matt hides his combat-trauma anxiety to avoid burdening others with his war-trauma (odd)
Need: Needs to conform to conventions that expect him to leave war behind and get on with his family life (intense)

Trait: Confused becomes Focused (odd)
Subtext: Matt ignores his combat-trauma and pretends its doesn’t exist (odd)
Need: Needs to pick up where he left off before enlisting. (profound)

IF/THEN —

If Matt ignores his combat trauma and pretends it doesn’t exist, then maybe he can never reconcile with his father.

If Matt’s war-trauma, his anxiety is something he hides from everyone else and he tries to figure out how to behave ‘normally,’ then maybe his hidden trauma will win out in the end and lead him to life-ending ideas.

If Matt becomes controlling rather than dutiful and he doesn’t pay close enough attention to what is actually going on around him, the maybe he will simply run amok and be more of an outsider than he felt on his way home.

STEWART—

Trait: Strong becomes Immovable (intense)
Subtext: Stewart would be less likely to agree with Claire. (profound)
Need: Needs to do what he has learned has worked for his sanity/survival. (intense)

Trait: Insightful becomes Predictive (odd)
Subtext: Stewart anticipates Matt’s efforts to reunite. (odd)
Need: Needs to be appreciated for the hard work he’s put in to survive post-combat. (profound)

Trait: Caring becomes Empathetic (profound)
Subtext: Stewart allows himself to feel what he believes others feel toward him and each other. (odd)
Need: Needs to understand the motives that others bring to interactions with him. (intense)

Trait: Short-tempered becomes Volatile (intense)
Subtext: Stewart allows the anger he feels to erupt into physical instances of aggression. (intense)
Need: Needs to shut others out who don’t understand him. (profound)

IF/THEN—

If Stewart becomes immovable and Claire can’t overcome his refusals, then maybe she stands no chance of reuniting her family.

If Stewart is set in his perceptions of others and expects his prediction of their responses are correct, then maybe he will be unable to see the ways others show respect for him.

If Stewart feels empathy for others and drops his guard of distancing himself for self-protection, then maybe he will exhibit inconsistent personality behaviors that confuse his family and others.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is how multiple, consecutive, different emotions build upon each other to set up the initial tone of horror for the audience before the characters even realize they are in danger.

EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND – DAY

The group of nine impromptu explorers purposely fall behind from the twenty or so others on the tour.

FRANKIE
This way.

He looks at a hand drawn map as he goes off the tour path and around a big rock.

FRANKIE
Here it is.

Without hesitation, Frankie squeezes through a narrow gap between two large rocks and disappears from view.

FRANKIE (O.S.)
Whoa! Oh, shit!

The others hear a wobbling rock and some splashing then nothing. After an uneasy moment…

FRANKIE (O.S.)

It’s okay! I’m okay.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND CAVE – DAY

He shines a flashlight on a rough-hewn stone door and hollers back to the others.

FRANKIE
It’s a bit of a tight squeeze to get in. There’s a wiggly rock in some water as you step in, but it’s not bad. Come on in. Just watch that first step.

EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND – DAY

CHESTER
Let’s go. This will be so much better than the tour. Like the guide said, ‘the mysteries of the island are not for the feint of heart,’ and I didn’t come out here to follow some guide around. That’s boring. Let’s go.

Chester follows Frankie into the cave. Ghoulie is next and then Harold who is followed by Vincent.

BONNIE
Does anyone know we’re going in there? What if we get lost in there.

She laughs nervously.

VINCENT (O.S.)

I’m sure it comes out inside the prison somewhere. This island isn’t pretty small.

Bonnie is uneasy, but goes in the cave. Vincent reaches a hand back to help Bonnie step into the cave.

BONNIE
Yeah, you’re probably right. This could have been an access for supplying the prison with food and other necessities.

She takes Vincent’s hand and disappears into the gap.

Blake is right behind Bonnie and Travis is tentative as he enters the cave.

The last one in is Isabel. In addition to her flashlight, she clutches a leather bag that hangs on a braided string from her neck.

Once Isabel goes through the gap, there’s nothing to suggest anyone has gone into the cave.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND CAVE – FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The cave, once entered, opened up enough that everyone fits with enough space to spread out.

BLAKE
(braggingly to Travis)
This is a pretty good secret cave. The guards hide them, but the prisoners all know about these caves anyway. I’ve been in caves like this before.

Travis tries to ignore Blake’s nonsense.

The group examines the cave with flashlights going in all directions.

FRANKIE
Here’s the door.

All flashlights, nearly in unison, shine to where Frankie is. Chester hurries to the door.

CHESTER
Whoa. This is so cool.

Frankie and Chester pull open the stone door.

CHESTER
Ho-ly shit! Look at that.

Frankie smiles at the find and pushes past Chester to go through the door.

INT. ALCATRAZ UNDERGROUND HALLWAY – FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The opened door reveals a man-made hallway with bars and locking doors along one wall.

FRANKIE
This is better than I expected. Look at that. Are those cells? Jesus! I don’t think this was just storage.

CHESTER
Unless they’re storing prisoners.

He laughs.

BLAKE
(to Travis)
Yeah, this is where the kept the most violent prisoners.

Travis just rolls his eyes at Blake.

One by one the group enters the hallway. Each amazed by what they see.

They spread out down the hallway and separate as they explore different cells test the doors, and look for souvenirs.

As the group looks around. The stone door shifts. A little at first, but then a flow of water runs freely over the hinge side and the stone door settles into place leaving no hint of its existence. The water slows but continues to slowly flow over the rocky surface of the now hidden way out.

FRANKIE (O.S.)
Bad news guys. That’s all there is. The hallway ends right here. It’s a dead end.

The others pop out of cells and shine to where Frankie stands. Chester looks closer at the wall at the end of the hallway.

CHESTER
This can’t be all there is. Did you look for another door.

FRANKIE
(sarcastically)

No. That didn’t occur to me.

(frustrated)

I guess that’s it gang.

Chester taps on the walls to check for a door.

CHESTER
Nope. No door.

BLAKE
(to Travis)
That’s to keep these prisoners from escaping.

Travis appears to have had enough of Blake and ignores the commentary.

GHOULIE
It’s still pretty neat. Let’s take a closer look around. Maybe we’ll find another secret passage.

The group separates again and looks along the hallway and the cells for a hidden door.

HAROLD
Uh, guys. Where’s the door? Shouldn’t it be right here?

Chester rushes to where Harold is shining his light along a stone wall looking for the door. The light passes over the flow of water, but it looks like a natural underground flow of water.

CHESTER

Where the hell is it? The fuckin’ hallway is straight. We came straight in.

Frankie pushes past everyone to where the door should be. He taps on the rocks with his flashlight. No door. He pulls a small rock-pick hammer from his pack and taps harder on the rock walls.

FRANKIE
What in the hell? It should be right here!

BONNIE
What do you mean ‘where’s the door?’ it’s got to be there!

VINCENT
We’ll find it. We just got turned around somehow.

CHESTER
Turned around? The hall is a straight fuckin’ line! This is the only place it could be.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: “Out of Time” Thriller Conventions (2003, a crime thriller starring Denzel Washington and Eva Mendes; written by Dave Collard)

What I learned doing this assignment is to establish the big must-haves (conventions) before taking up the details.

CONVENTIONS:

UNWITTING BUT RESOURCEFUL HERO: Chief Witlock

DANGEROUS VILLAIN: Ann Harrison

HIGH STAKES: Chief Witlock will be framed for stealing the drug evidence money, murder of Anna and Chris, and go to prison for forever.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: In a fight with Cabot, the Chief hangs from a 7^th floor broken balcony. Cabot falls to his death but Chief climbs back up. Ann calls Chief to tell him her life was at risk if she didn’t help with the set-up. He goes to her but Chris is there to kill him. They fight. Ann shoots and kills Chris. She then aims at Chief. She shoots him but only injures him. Chief’s detective wife, Alex, arrives at the scene and shoots and kills Ann when Chief is about to be killed by Ann.

THIS MOVIE IS THRILLING BECAUSE? The parts of the conspiracy fit together so nicely, we know who did the set-up and how, but we don’t know if the Chief will figure it out before he loses everything.

MIS:

BIG MYSTERY: Chief Witlock is tricked into stealing almost a half-million dollars of drug money from evidence and is framed for murder of Ann and Chris Harrison. The Chief must figure out how they did it before the frame job is successful.

BIG INTRIGUE: Once the Chief realizes he’s been set up, Ann and Chris go missing, two bodies are found in their arson-burned house. Alex is the detective in charge of the murder investigation and sets up her investigators in the Chief’s office. Chief manages to stay barely a half-step ahead of the investigators up until nearly the last scene.

BIG SUSPENSE: Chief discovers he’s been set up after the murders were discovered. The DEA wants the drug money in evidence. Chae covers for him. Chief repeatedly must help with the investigation, but by being involved he’s able to tamper with evidence and interfer with the investigation. Alex finds glass in his Chief’s hair after Cabot’s death and gets suspicious of the Chief. The DEA is closing in on him. His wife is zeroing in on him. At first, she doesn’t believe he was set up as she falls for the set-up. She discovers where the Chief has gone and pursues him. One there she finds Ann revealing details of the set-up and she’s about to kill the Chief so Alex shoots and kills Ann. She opens a briefcase that is supposed to have the stolen money, but the money isn’t there. It’s just a phone with tracking data. Chae shows up with the money just as DEA agents show up to get the money.

ANYTHING ELSE you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller: I like the level of humorous personal interactions between the Chief and his friends. It adds a level of contrast that is quite entertaining throughout the intensity of the investigation.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment is that if I elevate specific elements of the story, the main concept is likely to be clearer for the purpose of marketing.

1. Tell us your current logline — A soldier returning from combat needs to reunite with his estranged combat-veteran father before the challenges of civilian life draw him closer to taking his own life.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.

UNIQUE: Not Dead Yet is a story that follows two veterans as they face profound challenges that social pressures and combat trauma impose on a veteran as a returning veteran finds himself at the brink of suicide.

TIMELY: Current suicide rates of veterans are at epidemic numbers. Only recently has there been such a push to help veterans recover from the trauma that threatens their lives.

ELEVATE: There are movies of veterans who recover easily from their war trauma and include The Best Years of Our Lives, Casualties of War, and In Country to name a few. Their “recovery” occurred after struggle but then a simple realization when confronting their demons. A more recent movie, The Hurt Locker, takes on the addictive nature of serving in a combat role where life and death are a hair’s breadth apart and shows a veteran returning to active duty as that is where he feels he fits best. My story follows the veteran home where life and death are still that close together but the option to return to duty is not available. I can elevate the components of unique and timely by showing their struggles within relevant social contexts in order to experience the struggle rather than just watch it unfold.

[Diane Keranen]

Lead Character 1 Name: Matt
REQUIRED:
— Role in the Story: Needful Protagonist
— Age range and Description: mid30s, combat-affected veteran returning home after multiple deployments
— Core Traits: Dutiful, Forthright, Anxious, Confused
— Character Subtext: Trying to find a way to live comfortably back in society with his wife and sone after several combat deployments.
— Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to live with wife and son without conflict; Needs to question societal norms that require him to deny his truth.
— Flaw: Stubborn, impatient
— What’s special about this character? Now realizes that his estrangement with his father is due to combat trauma (ptsd)
— Character Logline: Matt is a combat-affected veteran who must overcome unbearable conditions in order to find his place back home.
OPTIONAL:
—Character Arc: Seeks help from estranged father to losing hope and choosing suicide
— Fear/Wound: His combat trauma will prevent him from having a normal life.
— Mission/Agenda: Find a way to return to civilian life and his family.
— Secret: He doesn’t believe he can do it.
— Values: Caring, Committed
— Attitude: Unsure
— Defining Event in Their Life: Realizing how combat trauma affects family life (especially related to his estrangement from his father).
— Motto They Live by: I want to make it back home.
— Most Proud of: Following in his father’s footsteps and serving in the military
— Main Issues in Life: Doesn’t want to be a burden on his family.
— Paradox:
— What They Can’t Face:
— Anything Else:

Lead Character 2 Name: Stewart
REQUIRED:
— Role in the Story: Challenged Protagonist
— Age range and Description: late 70s, combat-affected veteran, protective of loved ones and isolates himself from them to protect them from himself.
— Core Traits: Strong, Insightful, Caring, Short-tempered
— Character Subtext: Has found a peaceful lifestyle near loved ones but not in contact; doesn’t trust his combat-trauma side to keep others safe.
— Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to live on margins of family life; Needs to be the deeply integrated in Matt’s return.
— Flaw: Doesn’t believe he can help anyone.
— What’s special about this character? He loves his family and feels it deeply.
— Character Logline: Stewart is a combat-affected veteran who must overcome his solitude to save his son (help his son avoid becoming isolated like him).
OPTIONAL:
—Character Arc: From having a survival lifestyle in solitude to choosing to engage with his son
— Fear/Wound: Fears he is harmful to his loved ones
— Mission/Agenda: Keep away to protect loved ones
— Secret: Loves his family deeply
— Values: Caring, protective,
— Attitude: stoic
— Defining Event in Their Life: birth of his son after combat-trauma sleep-thrashing that injured Claire and caused son to be born from trauma
— Motto They Live by: I stay away to keep you safe.
— Most Proud of: Protecting his wife and son
— Main Issues in Life: Combat-trauma changed/limited the course of his life
— Paradox:
— What They Can’t Face:
— Anything Else:

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned is to find the backbone of the story for a summary like this. The details can be woven in once the whole plot summary is complete.

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN – NIGHT (FLASHBACK-1963)

Sounds of rushing water and running accompanied by yells and screams to “go faster,” “it’s getting closer,” and “aaaahhhh” are escaping from a cave leading to a rocky cavern with a pond in it. The runners reach the cavern. They are Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, Frank Morris, and Allen West just as a blast of water exits the cave and throws the men against the rocks killing them. The water swirls in one big turn seeming to check each body for life. When the last one alive takes his last breath, the water settles and the cavern grows silent.

EXT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND – DAY – PRESENT DAY

A tour guide speaks to a large group of tourists. Among them, a smaller group of pre-planned visitors to the island are hobbyists of prisons and introduce themselves. The group drops back from the tour and goes unnoticed.

Now out of view of the tour, the group goes off tour into a cave discovered earlier by Frankie who arranged this meet-up.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND UPPER CAVE — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

Inside the cave, there’s a stone door that leads to a hallway. The group enters the hallway. The door closes behind them as water, which was not there when the group passed through it, runs silently over it.

They explore the hallway, but it goes nowhere so they turn back. They can’t find the door. Blake, the know-it-all explains to those near him how rocks can shift and move sometimes. He’s clearly full of it. Then the water begins to rise rapidly. Blake loses his footing goes under and the water goes away. Blake is gone. Just gone. Only the person he was talking to knows he’s gone. The others don’t believe he was ever part of the group.

Recommitting to finding the door they find an opening that is not the door but is an entrance to a more rustic system of hallways.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND CATACOMBS — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

They’ve stumbled upon the rumored catacombs. Another wave of water rushes through this older hallway. When is subsides, Frankie is missing. They now believe Frankie is a prankster and is giving them a scare.

Some of the group wants to go back. They don’t like the pranking. The others want to continue this once-in-lifetime adventure. They continue down, deeper into the catacombs. Vincent sees someone peering into a crack in the wall and wonders who got ahead of the group. He reaches them and finds it’s a dead Frankie. Vincent, surprised, jumps back and slips and falls into a deep puddle along the step-stone path.

The water swirls up and around. Vincent screams, but the water takes the shape of a hand and covers his mouth. The group, stunned, watches as the water takes Vincent away. They don’t believe it’s a prank anymore. Someone, or something, brought them here to kill them.

Knowing they can’t go back, they decide to rush forward to find a way out as quickly as they can. They hurry down a relatively dry hallway. Then they hear the water in front of them. They can’t believe their eyes. It’s a wall of water coming toward them. They flee back away from it but it pursues them. Water in the shape of arms and legs pulls the wall of water after them. When it catches up, Chester is grabbed and pulled into the wall of water. The water holds him in view of the others. Chester’s arms reach out for help but soon appear bound by something and soon Chester goes limp. The water recedes and takes the body of Chester with it.

They hurry through several passages going deeper and deeper into the catacombs.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND DEEP CAVES — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

Before long they are in natural caves without any manmade structures.

INT. ALCATRAZ ISLAND DEEP CAVERN — FLASHLIGHT LIGHTING

The remaining groups arrives at the cavern with the pond. When they peer into it, they see some light. “This might be the way out!” No sooner than Ghoulie shouts those words, the water riles up. Everyone seeks a place among the boulders to hide from the whipping rain and water bursts. Finding no one, the water settles.

But now they know they can hide and as they look around in the cavern they find the bodies of Blake, Frankie, and Vincent. They are lined up with four bodies in tattered prison uniforms and a row of bones mixes with leather belts and scabbards, pirate styles that hold swords and knives. They pick up weapons just as the water begins to stir up again. Ghoulie slashes at the water and it breaks apart.

He turns and yells to the others, “Keep fighting the water, I’ll swim for it!” At the yelling, the water kicks up with a fury. The group fights with any weapon they can find. They brace themselves between big rocks and fight for their lives. Ghoulie jumps in the pools and swims under. They keep fighting. The water stops its fight, turns and dashes back into the pool. It’s after Ghoulie.

The group tries to get its attention back by yelling and screaming and slamming against the water. All but one of them: Isabel. She the one who tagged along on their adventure. She collected two femurs and a skull. She’s arranged them on a flat rock in the shape of the Jolly Roger image. She’s chanting.

The water rushes out of the pool. Perched at the front of the water is Ghoulie who is thrown against the top of the cavern, hard. His broken, dead body falls onto the rocks in front of the stunned group.

Isabel’s chant’s grow louder, the water turns toward her and thrusts itself back like a whip. The group is helpless and look for places to hide. Then loudly, “…back to the depths from where you long ago rose up.” The water whip begins is strike straight for Isabel. She shouts, “Ghyllana, go back to the depths from where you long ago rose up!” The water, inches from Isabel, falls silent.

The remaining members of the group stand in stunned silence. They look at the bodies, the water, around the cavern, and make their way nearer to Isabel.

A lone voice asks, “What was that?”

Isabel’s only reply; “We can go now.”

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  Diane Keranen.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Project and Market

Genre: Drama
Title: Not Dead Yet
Concept: A veteran returns to civilian life and fears he might become a suicide statistic if he can’t find his way.

What I think is most attractive about my story is that it is timely because veteran suicide rates are at epidemic levels and there is a lot of interest in understanding this phenomenon. Because I am married to a combat-affected veteran, I can tell a story from a unique perspective.

I would target producers first and perhaps independent film producers. Why, good question. I could use clarity on where to start.

What I learned today is that even though I’m aiming to do some rewriting on this script, the business end of it could help a great deal with shaping some of the story because I believe there could be resistance to telling a story about veterans that is uncomfortable for audiences and I need to understand better how to tell this story so it can sell and be produced. <br

[Diane Keranen]

Hi everyone!

My name is Diane. I've written two drama feature-length spec scripts (both currently in a rewrite due to the lessons in other ScreenwriitngU classes I've taken.) I've collaborated with a friend on a Christmas movie script (also spec) that fits the Hallmark genre. I have a horror feature (spec) in progress (which is a heck of a lot of fun to write. I also have a treatment for another drama, coming-of-age feature and a variety of shorts.

While I’m basically dabbling here, I do want to get a firm grasp on the thriller genre over the course of this class.

Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I'm strongly drawn to writing drama and that's the genre I consider to be my specialty. But I enjoy learning about other genres and have taken a few ScreenwringU classes to do so. I think I'll stick with drama, but I'm intrigued by the thriller genre as well.

[Diane Keranen]

1. I’m Diane Keranen.
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Insomniacs Carley and Marcus are passengers on a chartered, destination wedding yacht when a storm threatens to crash the boat onto a rocky shore before the passengers can get to the lifeboats.

ESSENCE: Carley and Marcus come face to face with their own valuation of a life worth living.

SCENE:

EXT. YACHT – NIGHT

CARLEY, 30s, attractive, still dressed in her bridesmaid’s dress stands at the bow of the fifty-foot yacht. She holds an assortment of opened cards and an open envelope and looks at the cash inside.

CARLEY
That, my dear friends, is what comes of a destination wedding. You knew I couldn’t afford to be here.

She throws the cards out over the water.

The wind is picking up and she watches the waved carry away the cards.

MARCUS, 30s, walks out onto the deck and notices Carly. He’s dressed in his host suit. He takes a deep drag from his vape.

Carley notices him and tucks the envelope with the money into the folds of her skirt effectively hiding it from Marcus.

MARCUS
What was that?

CARLEY
Hmmm?

MARCUS
Did you just toss something over the rail?

Carley looks out over the water. But then pulls out the envelope.

CARLEY
You mean this? Just an envelope.

MARCUS
You should get to your cabin. The winds are kicking up and you’re and the waves are likely to get your dress wet if they blow up over the bow. Wouldn’t want to see it get ruined.

CARLEY
I’m not worried about the dress. It’s all I brought. I won’t be wearing it again anyway. I’m only wearing for my friend’s wedding.

MARCUS
Fair enough. You could sell it.

CARLEY
I guess. That would be an option. I think the storm is coming this way. Maybe you should get the captain.

MARCUS
Storms do that. Before we know it, it’ll have us swirling in circles in a dance of waves and stars.

Carley looks at him with concern.

MARCUS
Oh, I’m sorry. I guess when you spend a lot of time on the water, the images that go through your head seem outlandish to landlubbers.

CARLEY
Landlubbers?

She laughs.

MARCUS
Looks like you’re right though. That lightening is close.

They hear an awful scraping sound and the yacht jolts them nearlo off their feet. Marcus holds his walkie up and talks into it.

Marcus and Carley turn to see huge rocks jutting out of the water when lightening streaks across the sky.

MARCUS
Captain? Get up here on deck. You need to see this. We’re grounding.

The lights in the bridge come on and bells and horns blow loudly. The captain comes on the loudspeaker and commands all on board to head for the lifeboats.

CARLEY
What makes you think I’m a landlubber? Who even uses that word these days.

MARCUS
(smiling)
That. What you said there tells me you are most assuredly a landlubber. Seafarers use it regularly on these chart….

The yacht suddenly jolts them both off of their feet. Just then, heavy rain pours down and the wind whips the rain in sheets all around them as the yacht jolts and shifts as the waves crash it into underwater rocks.

Both Carley and Marcus help passengers into the lifeboats as the captain accounts for everyone.

When it’s just the captain, Carley and Marcus remaining on the yacht, the captain orders them into the last lifeboat.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
You first.

CARLEY
No. You. I have hold of the release lever, then you can help me in.

MARCUS
You can’t hold it. The wind is too strong. Get in.

The yacht lurches and spins in the weather.

CAPTAIN
Both of you get in. I’ll release it as soon as you’re both on board.

CARLEY
After you.

She grips the release lever tightly with her hands. She uses her skirt to protect her hands from the harsh steel of the lever. The envelope falls onto the deck. She reaches down for it.

MARCUS
I’m sorry, miss, you have to leave it.

Carley reaches down, she’s managed to step on the envelope, and picks it up. She nearly topples overboard.

MARCUS
I can’t get into the lifeboat until you’re on board.

The two face off. Wind whipping around them. Rain soaking them through and through.

CAPTAIN
Get into the boat. That’s an order, Marcus. And, miss, we’ve got to get off this yacht. She’s listing too far.

MARCUS
Come on.

He peels Carley’s hands from the release lever.

CARLEY
AAAhhhhh! you’re hurting my hand.

MARCUS
Well, let go! Just get in the damn lifeboat already. Here, I’ll take the lever and you get in the boat.

CARLEY
You go. I’ve already got this. And your captain ordered you to get in there.

The captain, aside from the danger, is amused by their battle.

MARCUS
Fine. For goodness sake, let’s go together.

The captain shoves into their fight for it and takes the release lever into his grasp.

Marcus and Carley both climb into the lifeboat at the same time.

The captain releases the craft and both Carley and Marcus reach out hands to pull the captain on board. Once on board, they close the cover of the lifeboat and the captain takes the controls.

Carley and Marcus continue to fuss.

MARCUS
What was that all about. You have some sort of hero complex or a death wish. Which is it?

CARLEY
Neither.

She quiets down.

CARLEY
It’s just… It’s just that I like the excitement of it all. The storm, the rain, the wind. It’s so much more exciting than my ordinary office job. And I was hoping to …

MARCUS
To? To what?

CARLEY
Oh. It doesn’t matter now.

MARCUS
So you like this sort of thing. You’re not worried about sinking into the ocean.

She laughs.

CARLEY
I most certainly am not. But that’s a story for another time.

MARCUS
You cold? Here’s a blanket.

The captain glances at them. Shakes his head at their antics.

CARLEY
A blanket would be nice. This dress is heavy now that it’s soaked. Thank you.

MARCUS
I’m sorry you dropped your… your… what did you say it was?

CARLEY
It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

She takes the blanket from Marcus. They touch hands. This whole fight for seeing the other onto the lifeboat first has awaken in them an affection for each other. They back-and-forthed so easily with each other.

Marcus unfold the blanket and pulls it up to cover Carley and warm her up. When he gets close to her, she leans toward him and pauses. He looks in her eyes.

They recognize they have chemistry. They both lean close and kiss.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Insomniacs Carley and Marcus are passengers on a chartered, destination wedding yacht when a storm threatens to crash the boat onto a rocky shore before the passengers can get to the lifeboats.

ESSENCE: Carley and Marcus come face to face with their own valuation of a life worth living.

SCENE:

EXT. YACHT – NIGHT

CARLEY, 30s, attractive, still dressed in her bridesmaid’s dress sits on a deck chair at the bow of the yacht. The wind is picking up and waves are beginning to rock the yacht more than she’s comfortable with.

MARCUS, 30s, walks out onto the deck and notices Carly. He’s dresses in his host suit. He lights a cigarette.

She tucks a small package into the folds of her skirt effectively hiding it from Marcus.

MARCUS
You should get to your cabin. The winds are kicking up and you’re likely to get your dress ruined but the breaking waves.

Carley remains seated.

CARLEY
I’m not worried about the dress. I won’t be wearing it again anyway. I’m only wearing for my sister’s wedding.

MARCUS
Fair enough.

CARLEY
I think the storm is coming this way. Maybe you should get the captain.

MARCUS
Storms do that. Before we know it, it’ll have us swirling in circles in a dance of waves and stars.

Carley looks at him with concern.

MARCUS
Oh, I’m sorry. I guess when you spend a lot of time on the water, the images that go through your head seem outlandish to landlubbers.

CARLEY
Landlubbers?

She laughs.

MARCUS
Looks like you’re right though. That lightening is close.

He holds his walkie up and talks into it.

MARCUS
Captain? Get up here on deck. You need to see this.

CARLEY
What makes you think I’m a landlubber? Who even uses that word these days.

MARCUS
(smiling)
That. What you said there tells me you are most assuredly a landlubber. Seafarers use it regularly on these chart….

The yacht suddenly jolts them both off of their feet. Just then, heavy rain pours down and the wind whips the rain in sheets all around them as the yacht jolts and shifts as the waves crash it into underwater rocks.

The lights in the bridge come on and bells and horns blow loudly. The captain comes on the loudspeaker and commands all on board to head for the lifeboats.

Both Carley and Marcus help passengers into the lifeboats as the captain accounts for everyone.

When it’s just the captain, Carley and Marcus remaining on the yacht, the captain orders them into the last lifeboat.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
You first.

CARLEY
No. You. I’ll hold on to the cable, then you can help me in.

MARCUS
You can’t hold it. The wind is too strong. Get in.

CAPTAIN
Both of you get in. I’ll release it as soon as you’re both on board.

CARLEY
After you.

She grips the release lever with her hands. She uses her skirt to protect her hands from the harsh steel of the lever.

MARCUS
I’m sorry, miss, but not until you’re on board.

The two face off. Wind whipping around them. Rain soaking them through and through.

CAPTAIN
Get into the boat. That’s an order, Marcus. And, miss, we’ve got to get off this yacht. She’s going down.

MARCUS
Come on.

He peels Carley’s hands from the release lever. Something drops from the folds of her skirt into the water. Only Carley is aware of it falling.

CARLEY
AAAhhhhh! you’re hurting my hand. You made me drop it! Dang it!

MARCUS
Well, let go! Drop what? What are you talking about? Just get in the damn boat already.

CARLEY
You go. I’ve already got this. And your captain ordered you to get in there.

The captain, aside from the danger, is amused by their battle.

MARCUS
Fine. For goodness sake, let’s go together.

The captain shoves into their fight for it and takes the release lever into his grasp.

Marcus and Carley both climb into the lifeboat at the same time.

The captain releases the craft and both Carley and Marcus reach out hands to pull the captain on board. Once on board, they close the cover of the lifeboat and the captain takes the controls.

Carley and Marcus continue to fuss.

MARCUS
What was that all about. You have some sort of hero complex or a death wish. Which is it?

CARLEY
Neither.

She quiets down.

CARLEY
It’s just… It’s just that I like the excitement of it all. The storm, the rain, the wind. It’s so much more exciting than my ordinary office job. And I was hoping to keep…

MARCUS
Keep? Keep what?

CARLEY
Oh. It doesn’t matter now.

MARCUS
So you like this sort of thing. You’re not worried about sinking into the ocean.

She laughs.

CARLEY
I most certainly am not. But that’s a story for another time.

MARCUS
You cold? Here’s a blanket.

The captain glances at them. Shakes his head at their antics.

CARLEY
A blanket would be nice. Thank you.

MARCUS
I’m sorry you dropped your… your… what did you say it was?

CARLEY
It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

She takes the blanket from Marcus. They touch hands. This whole fight for seeing the other onto the lifeboat first has awaken in them an affection for each other. They back-and-forthed so easily with each other.

Marcus unfold the blanket and pulls it up to cover Carley and warm her up. When he gets close to her, she leans toward him and pauses. He looks in her eyes.

They recognize they have chemistry. They both lean close and kiss.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Social media influencer, Brandy, has an opportunity to gain followers by interviewing Phillip, a BASE-jumper who recently caused an online uproar over his most recent jump.

ESSENCE: Both Brandy and Phillip expect audience adoration and manipulate/deceive each other to get it.

SCENE:

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

Outside a coffeeshop, BRANDY, 20, highly made up with the latest make-up trends and dressed in a tight-fitting, sexy dress waits. She checks her phone. Just then, PHILLIP, 22, tall, thin, yet muscular with a curly hair and a messy fade style wearing a t-shirt and jeans walks up to her.

PHILLIP
Brandy?

BRANDY
Yes. You’re Phillip. I recognized you right away. Good to meet you in person.

PHILLIP
Sorry I’m late. I had to meet an associate.

Brandy starts recording with her phone.

BRANDY
No bother. Hey friends… look who we have with us!

PHILLIP
What’re you doing?

BRANDY
Just getting some video for my channel.

She moves so both of them are in frame.

BRANDY
That’s right. Phillip Stanton. I’m so happy we could get together to talk about your adventures.

Brandy holds her phone to record their meeting. His question answered, Phillip complies.

PHILLIP
Adventures, Brandy? Hello followers. I consider them necessary actions to live by. A philosophy of life, if you will.

BRANDY
Yes, of course. Let’s go in and get comfortable.?

PHILLIP
I have a better idea. Come with me.

BRANDY
Where to? We should meet here. It’s a familiar location for my viewers. That’s part of my branding.

PHILLIP
Just come on.

BRANDY
But I really think I should maintain my style.

PHILLIP
I understand. I’m sure you’re right. I don’t want to give you a bad interview. I did that before and regretted it. They will love this. I promise.
(waits for her to respond)
I’m asking. Please.

PHILLIP
But, if you don’t mind, please don’t record yet. Later. When we get there.

BRANDY
Okay. It’s off.

She pretends to turn off her camera.

Phillip leads her across a busy street seemingly unbothered whether there is traffic that needs to brake for him. One driver yells at him, and Brandy rushes to stay close to Phillip who just ignores the irritated drivers.

Brandy gives them an apologetic look. She hurries to keep up with Phillip.

He enters the lobby of a high-rise office building.

PHILLIP
May I?
(gestures that she give him her hand)
This way.

Brandy takes his hand. He guides her past the front desk to a door.

She doesn’t see him take something from his pocket. He opens a maintenance door. He gives a quick look around then enters. Phillip closes the door and peels up a bit of tape to use to tape the folded paper to the door.

Phillip looks to see if Brandy saw him do this. She didn’t. He continues on. She follows.

BRANDY
Are we supposed to be here?

PHILLIP
It’s out of the way, but unlocked. If we can get in, we’re okay.

Phillip leads her to a maintenance elevator and pulls her in. Brandy pulls up her phone that has been recording this whole time. She pretends to start it recording.

BRANDY
Back again with Phillip Stanton. We’re about to discuss his latest jump.

He smiles for the camera, leans in close with Brandy and winks at the viewer.

PHILLIP

Hi everyone. We’ve got some exciting surprises for you. You’re gonna love this.

BRANDY
You can see I’m not at my usual location but I can assure you, this will be worth the change in venue.

The elevator stops. Doors open. They step out.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP – NIGHT

They are high over the city.

BRANDY
(selfies herself turning to show the skyline)
Look at this my lovely followers. It’s gorgeous.

She notices Phillip is walking toward the edge near a small structure.

BRANDY
Let’s catch up.

She hurries to catch up.

PHILLIP
Look at this.

BRANDY
So, Phillip, how did you manage to jump from the SkyTower building last month?

PHILLIP
It’s a matter of confidence, really. I packed my gear and borrowed a dolly and just hauled everything up to the roof. Sometimes they lock the doors, but with a few persuasive techniques I’ve developed to gain access to jump-off points, this is all mine.

BRANDY
What about your buddy, Colton? The police caught him didn’t they?

PHILLIP
Yeah, sure. That was unfortunate. I hate that he got caught up in nonsense charges. I feel worse that he busted his leg. But he knows how to handle himself. We never turn each other in. Besides, they have need evidence if they want to bring any charges and as long as we are careful, they won’t find anything. When you jump. You take everything with you. If you don’t jump. You might get a trespass warning, but so what. That’s nothing. We’re not hurting anyone so we just keep quiet.

He smiles.

PHILLIP
(to the camera)
Take that as a lesson everyone. It’s not a matter of what they let you do, it’s a matter of what you know how to do. And always protect each other.

BRANDY
That’s fascinating. Can you tell us how you got started at this BASE jumping?

PHILLIP
That’s a long story, let’s do this instead. We can talk about that later.

He drags a big pack from behind the small structure. He takes out some gear and starts suiting up.

BRANDY
Amazing, look at that. Is this what you jump with?

After a few minutes, Phillip is suited up.

PHILLIP
Now you.

BRANDY
What? Are you kidding?

PHILLIP
C’mon. I’ll talk you through each piece of equipment.

BRANDY
I don’t know about this. You’re not going to make my jump over the edge are you?

Phillip looks into the camera.

PHILLIP
What do you guys think? Should Brandy jump?

BRANDY
No way!

PHILLIP
Come here. Just look.

He coaxes her to the edge of the building and a short wall that marks the outer edge of the building.

PHILLIP
Just look.

Brandy turns the camera to look out over the city. She baby-steps closer to the edge. She crouches down so she can stay behind the short wall.

Phillip laughs at her.

BRANDY
Only for you my dear followers.

Brandy is terrified. She holds her phone over the edge to peer down. Phillip stands right at the edge and an up-wind blows his t-shirt and hair in steady upward waves.

PHILLIP
This is what living is all about. If you don’t know where the edge of your experience is, how can you know what you’re capable of.

BRANDY
I’m capable of not jumping.

Phillip laughs at and with her.

PHILLIP
Jumping has to be your own choice. I would never force you to jump. C’mon, put the gear on and we can keep talking at the same time. Sitting talking isn’t my thing.

Over the next few minutes, Phillip shows Brandy and her audience the gear he has on and helps put some of it on Brandy just to show and describe how each part of equipment works.

Phillip looks over to the rooftop door and sees a security guard coming their way.

PHILLIP
Looks like it’s time for me to go. Excuse me, Brandy, but may I?

He takes her phone and records the view. He steps on the short wall.

PHILLIP
I’ll get this back to you as soon as I can.

He reaches up to his helmet, starts his Go-Pro and jumps off of the building.

EXT. FALLING ALONG SIDE OF SKYSCRAPER – NIGHT

Phillip yells “WHAHOOOO” as he falls and releases his parachute. He holds Brandy’s phone in one hand and records all the way down.

After he lands, he takes off his helmet and talks into his camera.

PHILLIP
That’s how it’s done. Live life your way.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP – NIGHT

The SECURITY GUARD, 50s, out of shape, approaches and takes Brandy into custody. He looks over the edge to see Phillip gliding away.

GUARD
Who’s your friend there?

Brandy thinks for a moment with Phillips words going through her head.

SOUND OVERLAY – PHILLIP
We never turn each other in.

BRANDY
Nobody. I was here by myself.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Social media influencer wannabe, Brandy, has an opportunity to gain followers by interviewing Phillip, a BASE-jumper who recently caused an online uproar over his most recent trespass.

ESSENCE: Both Brandy and Phillip expect audience adoration.

SCENE:
(Cover up/Current Situation)

EXT. CITY STREET – DUSK

Outside a coffeeshop, Brandy, 20, waits. She checks her phone. Just then, Phillip, 22, walks up to her.

PHILLIP
Brandy?

BRANDY
Yes. You’re Phillip. I recognized you right away. Good to meet you in person.

PHILLIP
Sorry I’m late. I had a few errands to run.

BRANDY
No bother. I’m just happy we could get together to talk about your adventures.

PHILLIP
Adventures? I consider them necessary actions to live by. A philosophy of life, if you will.

BRANDY
Yes, of course. Shall we go in and get started?

PHILLIP
I have a better idea. Come with me.

BRANDY
Where to? We should meet here. It’s a familiar location for my viewers.

PHILLIP
Just come on.

BRANDY
I think I should maintain my style.

PHILLIP
I understand. I’m sure you’re right. I don’t want to give you a bad interview. I did that before and regretted it. They will love this. I promise.

Brandy starts recording video.

PHILLIP
What’re you doing?

BRANDY
Just getting some video for my channel.

PHILLIP
Not yet. Later. When we get there.

BRANDY
Okay. It’s off.

She pretends to turn off her camera.

Phillip leads her across a busy street seemingly unbothered whether there is traffic that needs to brake for him. One driver yells at him, and Brandy rushes to stay close to Phillip who just ignores the irritated drivers.

Brandy gives them an apologetic look. She hurries to keep up with Phillip.

He enters the lobby of a high-rise office building.

PHILLIP
May I?
(gestures that she give him her hand)
This way.

Brandy takes his hand. He guides her past the front desk to a door. It’s a maintenance door. He gives a quick look around then enters. She follows.

BRANDY
Are we supposed to be here?

PHILLIP
It’s out of the way, but unlocked. If we can get in, we’re okay.

Phillip leads her to an elevator and pulls her in. Brandy pulls up her phone that has been recording this whole time. She pretends to start it recording.

BRANDY
I’m here with Phillip Stanton. Yes, the real Phillip Stanton.

He smiles for the camera, leans in close with Brandy and winks at the viewer.

PHILLIP

Hi everyone. We’ve got some exciting surprises for you. You’re gonna love this.

BRANDY
You can see I’m not at my usual location but I can assure you, this will be worth the change in venue.

The elevator stops. Doors open. They step out.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP – NIGHT

They are high over the city.

BRANDY
(selfies herself turning to show the skyline)
Look at this. It’s gorgeous.

She notices Phillip is walking toward the edge near a small structure.

BRANDY
Let’s catch up.

She jogs to catch up.

PHILLIP
Look at this.

BRANDY
So, Phillip, how did you manage to jump from the SkyTower building last month?

PHILLIP
It’s a matter of confidence, really. I packed my gear and borrowed a dolly and just hauled everything up to the roof. Sometimes they lock the doors, but with a few persuasive techniques I’ve developed to gain access to jump-off points, this is all mine.

BRANDY
What about your buddy, Colton? The police caught him didn’t they?

PHILLIP
Yeah, sure. I worry about that. We hate for each other to get caught up in nonsense charges. But he knows how to handle himself. We never turn each other in. Besides, they have need evidence if they want to bring any charges and as long as we are careful, they won’t find anything. After you jump. You take everything with you. If you don’t jump. You might get a trespass warning, but so what. That’s nothing. We’re not hurting anyone so we just keep quiet.

He smiles.

PHILLIP
(to the camera)
Take that as a lesson everyone. It’s not a matter of what they let you do, it’s a matter of what you know how to do. And always protect each other.

BRANDY
That’s fascinating. Can you tell us how you got started at this BASE jumping?

PHILLIP
That’s a long story, let’s do this instead. We can talk about that later.

He drags a big pack from behind the small structure. He takes out some gear and starts suiting up.

BRANDY
Amazing, look at that. Is this what you jump with?

After a few minutes, Phillip is suited up.

(Demand)

PHILLIP
Now you.

BRANDY
What? Are you kidding?

PHILLIP
C’mon. I’ll talk you through each piece of equipment.

BRANDY
I don’t know about this. You’re not going to make my jump over the edge are you?

Phillip looks into the camera.

PHILLIP
What do you guys think? Should Brandy jump?

BRANDY
No way!

PHILLIP
Come here. Just look.

He coaxes her to the edge of the building and a short wall that marks the outer edge of the building.

PHILLIP
Just look.

Brandy turns the camera to look out over the city. She baby-steps closer to the edge.

BRANDY
Only for you my dear followers.

Brandy is terrified. She holds her phone over the edge to peer down. Phillip stands right at the edge and an up-wind blows his t-shirt and hair in steady upward waves.

PHILLIP
This is what living is all about. If you don’t know where the edge of your experience is, how can you know what you’re capable of.

BRANDY
I’m capable of not jumping.

Phillip laughs at and with her.

PHILLIP
Jumping has to be your own choice. I would never force you to jump. C’mon, put the gear on and we can keep talking at the same time. Sitting talking isn’t my thing.

Over the next few minutes, Phillip shows Brandy and her audience the gear he has on and helps put some of it on Brandy just to show and describe how each part of equipment works.

Phillip looks over to the rooftop door and sees a security guard coming their way.

PHILLIP
Looks like it’s time for me to go. Excuse me, Brandy, but may I?

He takes her phone and records the view. He steps on the short wall.

(Reveal)

PHILLIP
I’ll get this back to you as soon as I can.

He reaches up to his helmet, starts his Go-Pro and jumps off of the building.

EXT. FALLING ALONG SIDE OF SKYSCRAPER – NIGHT

Phillip yells “WHAHOOOO” as he falls and releases his parachute. He holds Brandy’s phone in one hand and records all the way down.

After he lands, he takes off his helmet and talks into his camera.

PHILLIP
That’s how it’s done. Live life your way.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP – NIGHT

The SECURITY GUARD, 50s, out of shape, approaches and takes Brandy into custody. He looks over the edge to see Phillip gliding away.

GUARD
Who’s your friend there?

Brandy thinks for a moment with Phillips words going through her head.

SOUND OVERLAY – PHILLIP
We never turn each other in.

BRANDY
Nobody. I was here by myself.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that even a boring original idea can turn into something interesting by putting these techniques to work.

Logline: Abby discovers her husband may be having an affair with her best friend and is not going to let anything slide.

Interest technique ideas:
CREATING A FUTURE: Abby and her husband are talking about date night. “Let’s get tickets to ‘Wicked,’ we haven’t been to a Broadway show in ages.”
HOOK: Abby looks at the photos shared by her friends on social media. She sees her husband and best friend Betty in overly intimate embraces and even kisses. She stares at the photos. She scrolls from one to another and looks thoughtful. “You don’t know who you’re up against. Best friend?”
ANTICAPATORY DIALOGUE: “Let’s invite Betty to come along with us. She said her new boyfriend won’t be free that night.”
SOMETHING UNSEEN: Abby drives down Broadway. Suddenly, she spots something ahead. She speeds up her car, careens off the street to the sidewalk and her airbags go off. She reaches up a hand and pulls her airbag out of the way of her sight. She looks at where shocked onlookers are pointing and laughs.
CLIFFHANGER: Abby’s husband walks arm-in-arm with Betty, Abby’s best friend as they exit the theater. Traffic on the street is moderate and they’re not paying attention to it. From behind, a car revs and careens toward the two. They turn to see Abby is driving and heading toward them. He pushes Betty out of way as the car aims for them They are now too far apart for Abby to hit them both. Abby’s car crashes into someone and makes a horrible impact as others on the street scream in horror. Abby’s hand reaches up and pulls her airbag out of her line of sight. She smiles.
MISINTERPRETATION: Abby drives past the theater where she sees her husband with her best friend, Betty, walking arm-in-arm. The play is “Wicked” and she and her husband were talking about going to see it together, but here he is coming out of the theatre with Betty. She stops her car and jumps out. She yells accusations at her husband and friend that they saw the play together. They explain that they were here to get special passes and seats for Abby.

Scene:

INT. ABBY’S CAR – NIGHT
Abby is parked on a busy street and is on speakerphone.

ABBY
Let’s get tickets to ‘Wicked.’ We haven’t been to a Broadway show in ages.

She listens for a moment.

ABBY
Let’s invite Betty to come along with us. She said her new boyfriend won’t be free that night.
(listens)
No, that’s Sonia. I’ve not seen her in years. Betty is the one I have coffee with on Wednesdays.
(listens)
Great. I’ll call her and invite her.

Abby disconnects. She opens her social media and looks at the photos of her husband and Betty standing close, whispering to each other, and laughing away from other guests at a dinner party. She stares at the photos and scrolls from one to another and looks thoughtful.

ABBY
You don’t know who you’re up against. Best friend my ass. Flirting with each other in my own home? You two have some nerve.

Abby puts her phone down and starts to drive through down Broadway. She notices her husband. He walks arm-in-arm with Betty as they exit the theater where ‘Wicked’ is playing. Traffic on the street is moderate and they’re not paying attention to it.

It takes a moment for what she sees to sink in.

Abby speeds up. Her husband and Betty turn to see a car rushing toward them. He pushes Betty out of way as the car jumps the curb and hits him. He goes flying and lands with a thud on the sidewalk.

Betty screams. She stands and rushes to Abby’s husband.

Abby’s hand reaches up and pulls her airbag out of her line of sight. She smiles.

Abby stops her car and jumps out. She yells accusations at her injured husband and friend that they saw the play together. Betty explains that they were here to get special passes and seats for Abby. They planned the surprise for her at her party last night.

Abby stands there, stunned.

[Diane Keranen]

Title: Diane’s Reveal

What I learned doing this assignment was my original writing of the scene had the parts of demand, cover-up, and reveal, but they were all mashed together. By separating them out, the scene offers a more orderly effect while retaining my original story (that had undergone many revisions up to this point).

LOGLINE: While on his first hunt, young Jake faces the horrors of killing and discovers that in order to earn the respect of the hunting party, he must hide the trauma he feels.

SCENE

COVER-UP:

SUPERIMPOSE: “JULY 4 – PRESENT DAY”

EXT. EDGE OF A WOODLAND – DAY

The barrel of a .22 hunting rifle shakes in the hands of 10-year-old Jake. His target, a cottontail rabbit, sits on a fallen tree. Its eyes are alert. Its ears shift to pick up sounds of danger.

Jake moves a finger to the trigger. The eldest hunter, COLE’S GRANDPA, 68, whispers instructions.

GRANDPA
Steady. Big breath. Blow it out. Easy. Take your shot.

Jake hesitates, shakes more. Takes a deep breath. Slowly breathes it out. He steadies his hold. Aims. Fires!

When the smoke clears, the rabbit is gone.

Grandpa takes the rifle from Jake as he runs to the log. He leans over the log to look for his prize and yells back to the hunting group, COLE, 10, Cole’s dad ALLEN, mid 30s, and Cole’s Grandpa.

JAKE
I got him! I got him!

Jake, gleeful, reaches for his first kill.

DEMAND:

As he touches the fur, the rabbit takes a sharp breath.

Startled, Jake draws back his hand. His eyes widen. His breath catches in this throat and he freezes in shock and surprise.

He sees the rabbit’s flesh torn through by his shot. Frothy blood bubbles through the wound and oozes from its mouth and nose. Its eyes are wide as it gasps for air.

The rabbit seizes and spasms. Jake notices that she has recently nursed her babies. His shock leaks out via quiet words that catch in his throat.

JAKE
It’s a m-m-mom…

She takes one more choking breath, shorter this time. Jake stares at her mutilated body and reaches again to touch her, comfort her. This time, she’s too weak to move. Her fur is warm and soft. He looks into her open eyes. Life fades. Now she’s dead.

A sob catches in Jake’s throat. Horrified, he can’t move.

Allen and Grandpa wait. An excited Cole runs up to Jake but doesn’t notice his turmoil.

COLE
Where is it?

Jake reaches down to pick up the rabbit. Cole reaches past Jake. This is all going too fast.

Cole grabs the rabbit by its back legs and holds it up.

Jake, shaken by Cole’s rough treatment of the rabbit, reaches for it to hold it with more care as he rubs tears from his eyes.

REVEAL:

GRANDPA
Give him his prize, Cole.

Cole swings the rabbit over to Jake who catches and handles it with gentleness. Grandpa notices Jake wiping his eyes.

GRANDPA
What’re you cryin’ about?

Cole turns to look at Jake and laughs.

COLE
Geez, Jake. It’s just a rabbit. C’mon. Don’t be such a girl.

JAKE
Shut up! I’m not. The smoke from the rifle got in my eyes.

ALLEN

Bring him up, son. Let’s see him.

Jake steadies himself. He holds the rabbit in both hands and turns to show everyone.

ALLEN
I got my first rabbit with that .22 and so did Cole here.

COLE
So did Grandpa.

ALLEN
Yup, you’re right. Grandpa did the same. That’s why we call her “Lucky.” Your dad will be proud of you, Jake. Your dad and I both got rabbits with Lucky. Partridge too, if I remember right.

Jake, stunned to silence, barely listens to their chatter. He’s horrified.

Allen picks it up by the back legs and flips it to see the front and back. Jake’s eyes widen in disbelief and how harshly they handle her.

GRANDPA
Perfect shot too. Right through the heart and lungs. The pelt looks good. Those ragged edges can be mended.

ALLEN
We’ll tan it and we can even frame it if you want. It’ll be a nice keepsake to remember your first kill.

Allen hands it back to Jake.

As gentle as he can, Jake places it in the satchel he carries for this purpose. As he looks down at her at the bottom of the satchel, a tear drops and lands on her fur.

COLE
My turn!

The hunting party continues along the two-rut road.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was that some of these changes I examine here have been part of my thinking about these characters as I wrote the script. I learned that by give the characters more variable traits, I may be able to develop more drama into the characters as well as the story. Right now, I’ve been too afraid to shake up my characters in a dramatic way and this exercise is pretty exciting.

CHARACTER: Stewart
TRAITS: Strong-willed, Suspicious, Protective, Volatile to Open-minded

CHARACTER: Matt
TRAITS: Personable, Anxious, Over-reactive, Angry to Demanding

CHARACTER: Claire
TRAITS: Easygoing, Restless, Tolerant to Daring, Blunt

CHARACTER: Sara
TRAITS: Conformist to Open-minded, Sentimental, Assertive, Impatient

Stewart / Matt
Their rapport is tension-filled as they have had a mostly estranged relationship throughout Matt’s life. The estrangement stemmed from combat-trauma that made it difficult for Stewart to be the kind of father he wanted to be and Matt always wanted more than Stewart could give and this lead to a constant conflict between them. In contrast, Matt is very personable and out-going where Stewart keeps his life in order by keeping as few relationships as possible. The two men do not have a competitive nature between them other than Matt believes he can win his father’s respect by serving in the military the same as his dad did. Their subtext is that they want a working relationship between them but each has a different image of what that looks like.
CHANGE: Stewart is protective of his loved ones but if I change Matt’s angry trait to demanding, this puts him in conflict with Stewart who sees Matt as better off if the estrangement continues but Matt demands to resolve it.

Stewart / Claire
Stewart and Claire get along very well considering they’ve been living apart for 30+ years without divorcing. The only conflict they have is that Claire has always wanted to move back to the cabin with Stewart, but he has never agreed because the time has never been right. By way of contrast, Claire believes they can live together again even though Stewart fears he could hurt her (both emotionally and physically) even though he wouldn’t do it intentionally. The competition between them is over whose way will win out as the way the family exists from this day forward. Their subtext is that they love each other, respect each other, but want a different living arrangement.
CHANGE: Claire has been very accepting of the distance Stewart insisted upon to feel he was keeping her safe, so by changing her trait of tolerant to daring, she becomes a point of conflict between her and Stewart as she pushes him to be open to helping Matt.

Stewart / Sara
Sara is Stewart’s daughter-in-law and he has no real relationship with her other than through Claire. The conflict between these two is that Sara is less accepting of Matt needing different social practices than Sara sees as “normal.” The contrast between them his sharp. Sara cannot understand why her husband won’t just leave the war behind and forget about it. The subtext between these two is that they are forces pulling in opposite directions on Matt’s goals. Matt can’t live in both of their worlds.

CHANGE: Sara is very conformist and does not want to upset the social norms that make life challenging for combat-trauma-affected veterans. If I change her conformist trait to open-minded, the conflict between these two could be lessened.

Matt / Stewart (see above but for a trait change)
CHANGE: If I change Stewart’s trait of volatile to responsive, these two men could have more interactions to figure out what kept them apart for so long and figure out how to overcome some of what they’ve missed over the years to develop a new kind of relationship.

Matt / Claire
Matt and Claire have a very good rapport. She raised him and they can discuss anything regarding Stewart and the estranged relationship. There has been conflict between them over Stewart due to her telling Matt that his father loves him dearly, but Matt never saw it that way. In contrast, Claire’s ability to be patient with these two men is frustrating to watch because she gave up closeness with her husband to raise Matt. She loves them both with all she has, but they don’t realize what she’s given up to see their needs met. I don’t see there is competition between Claire and Matt normally, but for the story in this script, Claire sets Matt up to accept a generous gift of her house for his family to live in. Their subtext is a want to have a closer family bond.
CHANGE: If I change Claire’s tolerant trait to daring, she creates more conflict between all of the family members. She takes a chance of losing the chance of ever having the family bond she’s long wanted.

Matt / Sara
Their rapport is mainly surface quality. They avoid deep, emotional conversations because these cause tension. The conflict between them arises when Sara wants Matt to stay home for his son so they don’t end up estranged like him and his father, but Matt hasn’t had fatherly role-modeling other than estrangement. The contrast between them has to do with Matt’s inability, thus far, to integrate back into society after a deployment and Sara not understanding why it’s so hard for him. They have a sort of competition that revolves around Stewart. Sara wants Matt to avoid becoming like his father, but Matt needs his father’s respect before he can come be a father himself. Their subtext is that their relationship hangs by a thread.

CHANGE: By changing Sara’s conformist trait to open-minded, there’s more room for Matt and Stewart to explore their relationship and for Matt to discover what it means to be a father for him.

[Diane Keranen]

No feedback is needed on this assignment.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Character Journey Track

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a lot of characters and that building dialogue, once I understand them better than just a vague idea of who they are, will give me more to work with and help me build the relationships between all of them. It’s getting easier to imagine what my script will look like.

1A. What is their Character Profile?
— BLAKE
• Role: Out of Control Know-it-all — Blake, 18, has all “the answers” for everyone. Always interrupting and correcting others.
• Traits: Super impressed with his imagined talents after watching a few videos. He’s conceited, cheerful, active, and sloppy.
• Fears: Afraid of being seen as incompetent.
• Wants/Needs: Wants excitement/Needs reality check
• Likability / Rooting factors: He gets involved in new things/it’s possible he could learn a thing or two if he tried.
• How they react under stress: Shuts down because he can’t figure out what to do.
• Relationship with other characters: Not attached to anyone, believes everyone likes and admires him.
1B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: Talkative. Tells “fun-facts” about the island.
• Denial: Others sense his self-importance, don’t really listen. He doesn’t see it.
• Their reaction at first horror: Laughs at scary stories of missing people.
• Relation to group after first horror: Believes he knows more than the guides.
• How they fight back: Ignore him.
• End Point: He’s the first to go missing and die.
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? It raises a level of confusion Because they’ve not been paying attention to him, they’re not sure he was even there to begin with.

2A. What is their Character Profile?
— FRANKIE
• Role: Leader: Frankie, 30, the online group leader and organizer of the group trip to visit Alcatraz. Knows everyone’s interests in the group and presses each to contribute to their self-tour.
• Traits: He’s enthusiastic, organized, sneaky, and amiable
• Fears: ??
• Wants/Needs: Wants like-minded friends / Needs in-person people skills
• Likability / Rooting factors: His enthusiasm is contagious.
• How they react under stress: Interested, wants to figure things out.
• Relationship with other characters: wants them to consider him a friend
2B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: He greets the online group members to the island.
• Denial: ??
• Their reaction at first horror: He’s sure someone is missing, but won’t swear to it.
• Relation to group after first horror: He expresses worry for them.
• How they fight back: They get suspicious of him.
• End Point: Frankie is second to go missing/die.
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Frankie dies to increase the confusion of the remaining group. They know for sure someone is missing, but think it was a prank.

3A. What is their Character Profile?
— VINCENT
• Role: Love Interest of Bonnie: Vincent, 25, has been on many tours of many prisons. Quiet, just loves traveling with others but not very chatty. Friends with Bonnie who he becomes protective of
• Traits: Protective, Contemplative, Caring, Grim
• Fears: ??
• Wants/Needs: Wants to be in a relationship /Needs Bonnie to enjoy his hobby
• Likability / Rooting factors: He’s friendly
• How they react under stress: Tries to figure out what’s going on
• Relationship with other characters: Good, they trust him
3B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: He and Bonnie finally meet in person
• Denial: Resists going on the exploration
• Their reaction at first horror: Not surprised, expected someone to get hurt
• Relation to group after first horror: Some see him as leader to get out
• How they fight back: break into groups (go deeper vs get out the way we got in)
• End Point: Third one to die – he dies in front of the group
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The others new know that something weird and deadly is going on.

4A. What is their Character Profile?
— CHESTER
• Role: Complainer: Chester, 17, doesn’t have a plan for his life after high school. He’s local to San Francisco bay area
• Traits: Adventurous, Playful, Naïve, Foolish
• Fears: being on his own, being left behind, being left out
• Wants/Needs: Wants to be part of the group / Needs to figure out who he is
• Likability / Rooting factors: His playfulness keeps things light and less scary
• How they react under stress: Quiet, he doesn’t know what options he has
• Relationship with other characters: The tolerate his playfulness, can tell he’s young and inexperienced
4B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: Big proponent to explore deeper
• Denial: Doesn’t think any harm can come to them
• Their reaction at first horror: He knows Blake is missing, but others don’t believe him
• Relation to group after first horror: has little credibility
• How they fight back: Points out what should have been clues
• End Point: Fourth to die… taken by wall of water that drags the group to the chamber
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Proves how powerful the water-monster is and that it can take anyone at any time.

5A. What is their Character Profile?

— GHOULIE
• Role: Monster Bait: “Ghoulie,” 18, only uses his gamer-nickname. Awkward in real life, always in a hurry to “get” the monster first in order to “win” the game. Approaches life that way.
• Traits: Charming, Confident, Quirky, Selfish.
• Fears: Losing
• Wants/Needs: Wants real-world excitement / Needs real-life skills
• Likability / Rooting factors: He’s looking for a way to win this “game”
• How they react under stress: Scared, but believes he can win if he figures out the “rules” of the “game”
• Relationship with other characters: ??
5B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: Approaches real life much like online life; what you do is quick but not permanent, you just have to keep going in the game
• Denial: At the end of the day, all will be fine;
• Their reaction at first horror: Bluster, as if he can just build his game character somehow
• Relation to group after first horror: Decides they are “expendable” characters and wants to save himself
• How they fight back: they try to stop him from triggering the water-monster
• End Point: Fifth and last to die in the 3rd act
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? There’s no way to survive.

6AWhat is their Character Profile?
— TRAVIS
• Role: Loner: Travis: 19, keeps to the margin, likes to observe others observing the chambers, catches the details that others miss.
• Traits: Caring, Creative, Private, Indecisive
• Fears: being center of attention
• Wants/Needs: Wants to have an adventure with others / Needs to reach out to others to have a connection
• Likability / Rooting factors: He’s clever and points out some interesting characteristics of the island’s history
• How they react under stress: alleviate it
• Relationship with other characters: awkward, not savvy with his people skills
6B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: Observational and talks himself into going with them “come on, go, you wanted to have an adventure”
• Denial: ??
• Their reaction at first horror: Believes it was intentional
• Relation to group after first horror: afraid, he attempts connection with others
• How they fight back: I’m busy surviving, don’t get in my way
• End Point: Survives
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? His skill at hiding or going quiet showed them they could hide from the water

7A. What is their Character Profile?
— BONNIE
• Role: Historian: Bonnie, 22, bookworm, she actually knows folklore, rumors, and myths. Friends with Vincent and this is the first time they actually meet. They have some good chemistry
• Traits: Smart, Eloquent, Practical, Indecisive
• Fears: real life danger, book danger is exciting and that’s how she prefers her adventures
• Wants/Needs: Wants to have a good first date with Vincent / Needs to face life outside of books.
• Likability / Rooting factors: She’s willing to join in on a real-life exploration of the island that she’s read about.
• How they react under stress: unpredictably
• Relationship with other characters: Good. She’s open to everyone’s differences
7B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: First meets Vincent then together them meet the group
• Denial: Has a hard time believing the water is actually haunted, wonders if what she sees is just her imagination
• Their reaction at first horror: tries to make sense of it from what she knows of the island
• Relation to group after first horror: they rely on her for a practical perspective
• How they fight back: ??
• End Point: She survives
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

8A What is their Character Profile?
— Isabel
Role: Tag-Along/Rescuer: Isabel, overheard the group planning to go off-tour and followed them. She knows more about the Island and the water than the others who are focused on the prison.
Traits: Superstitious, Moralistic, Serious, Precise
Fears: Inability to keep others safe
Wants/Needs: Wants to explore the island and its myths / Needs to employ what she knows about myths to save others
Likability / Rooting factors: Others are curious about her knowledge
How they react under stress: more afraid than the others given her myth knowledge; knows she must intervene
Relationship with other characters: Conflict between her superstitions and mystical knowledge and what others consider common sense.
8B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: She joins the group
Denial: ??
Their reaction at first horror: Wonder; are the myths real and not just stories?
Relation to group after first horror: She becomes a source of knowledge…
How they fight back: …but they poopoo the idea of myths being real
End Point: Survives and saves the others.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Respecting different cultural histories

9A. What is their Character Profile?
— HAROLD
• Role: Moral One: Harold, 22, just graduated from college, majored in Forensic Science, and about to go to the Police Academy. Interested in fixing a broken prison system.
• Traits: Confident, Forceful, Moralistic, Pedantic
• Fears: Anarchy and chaos
• Wants/Needs: Wants to explore under the prison to expand his knowledge / Needs to understand that one-size does not fit all personalities for tourists or prisoners
• Likability / Rooting factors: Not particularly likeable; points out what he sees as wrong-headed ideas
• How they react under stress: Hesitates, can’t think for himself as he needs guidance of a “system”
• Relationship with other characters: Feels obligated to morally guide them
9B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
• Character Intro: Joins the group because he sees an opportunity to correct them
• Denial: He can’t possibly be wrong
• Their reaction at first horror: I told you so
• Relation to group after first horror: They dislike him
• How they fight back: He’s pretty much on his own after that and must work to be part of the group that continues on
• End Point: Survives
• What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? He learns that his viewpoints are his and that others are not wrong because they differ from his. He survived because he didn’t understand what was happening.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Maxine meets a strange woman with a devious practice of accruing wealth.

ESSENCE: Maxine finds support for her plan to make her husband pay for his infidelity.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: I changed Maxine’s paranoid trait to violent.

SCENE:

RENEE, 32, holds the door of a luxurious bathroom of a fancy restaurant from closing as she listens to MAXINE, 25, as she exits a stall as she talks on her phone.

MAXINE
This is the worst timing ever. He lied to me. Again.

(pause)
There’ll be hell to pay. I can tell you that. He thought his last divorce was a nightmare, just wait until he finds out I saw him with her again. I’ll tell you this, it could have been anyone other than that redhead.
(pause)
Once my name is on the house…
(pause)
Don’t worry about that. I have some ideas on how to get him to sign the whole of it over to me.

Maxine notices Renee.

MAXINE
I’ll talk to you later.

She disconnects the call and looks at Renee with suspicion.

RENEE
Oh dear. I must apologize. I didn’t mean to overhear.

MAXINE
(smiles)
That must have sounded strange. It’s just…

Renee steps the mirror and reapplies her lipstick.

RENEE
(cuts her off)
Your secret is safe with me. I’m on my third husband. I got a house and a boat from the last one.

Checks her lipstick in the mirror.

RENEE
I love that dress. Where did you find it? I’ve been looking for a neckline like that for ages. It looks fabulous on you.

MAXINE
I almost didn’t wear it. But, it compliments this hideous necklace from my husband. He hasn’t even noticed. As usual. Probably thinking about that mistress of his.

Stepping back to check her appearance, Renee picks bits of something from her dress, straightens it, and appears satisfied.

RENEE
There. That will do.

MAXINE
Here, let me.

She stands behind Renee and pretends to pick bits of something from her hair. She finds a long strand of red hair stuck to the back of Renee’s dress.

RENEE
I saw you at the table with Trent Bauer. He’s your husband then?

MAXINE
Yes. He is.

Maxine examines the length of the red hair.

MAXINE
A boat and a house, you say?

RENEE
It’s easier than you might think. Remind him of his vows. Challenge his manliness.

MAXINE
But don’t say the till death do we part bit out loud.

RENEE
Exactly. Keep that to yourself. It’s part of the ex-wives club code. Husbands don’t talk about the details with husbands. Maybe you can join the club after your divorce. If you get that house, that is.

Maxine checks her appearance and exits the restroom with Renee right behind her. They return to their respective tables.

Trent stands to assist Maxine with her chair. When Maxine can’t see, he smiles at Renee.

Renee nods at Trent and turns away before Maxine sees her.

TRENT
Would you like more wine, or shall I call for the car?

MAXINE
Call the car.

TRENT
I’ll get our coats.

At the door, Trent steps to the coatroom. Standing at the front desk, out of Maxine’s sight is Renee.

Cautiously, they greet each other as if they’ve never met.

RENEE
Hello.

TRENT
Hello.

Trent hands his ticket to the coatroom attendant.

RENEE
She did see us. She’s going try to get you to sign over the house. But, if you sign it over to me before you file for divorce. She can’t take it from you.

She leans into Trent seductively. He leans down and kisses her.

When they part, Maxine is standing right there. Looking at them.

SLAP!

Maxine strikes Renee across the face and grabs a handful of hair.

TRENT
Maxine!

MAXINE
You think I can’t tell a dye job when I see it.

She holds up the hair she pulled from Renee’s dress.

MAXINE
(to Trent)
She’s got you hooked into a long con Trent. I told you so. Three husbands and assets taken from all of them.

RENEE
Trent?

Maxine takes the car keys from the stunned attendant and storms out of the restaurant as she takes out her phone.

MAXINE
You two can have each other. I’m calling my lawyer.

[Diane Keranen]

Discovering Great Characters

Lead Character 1 name: Matt
— Role in the Story: Needful Protagonist
— Age range and Description: mid30s, combat-affected veteran returning home after multiple deployments
— Core Traits: Dutiful, Forthright, Anxious, Confused
— Character Subtext: Trying to find a way to live comfortably back in society with his wife and son after several combat deployments.
— Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to live with wife and son without conflict; Needs to question societal norms that require him to deny his truth.
— Flaw: Stubborn, impatient
— What’s special about this character? Now realizes that his estrangement with his father is due to combat trauma (ptsd)
— Character Logline: Matt is a combat-affected veteran who must overcome unbearable conditions in order to find his place back home.

Lead Character 2 name: Stewart
— Role in the Story: Challenged Protagonist
— Age range and Description: late 70s, combat-affected veteran, protective of loved ones and isolates himself from them to protect them from himself.
— Core Traits: Strong, Insightful, Caring, Short-tempered
— Character Subtext: Has found a peaceful lifestyle near loved ones but not in contact; doesn’t trust his combat-trauma side to keep others safe.
— Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to live on margins of family life; Needs to be the deeply integrated in Matt’s return.
— Flaw: Doesn’t believe he can help anyone.
— What’s special about this character? He loves his family and feels it deeply.
— Character Logline: Stewart is a combat-affected veteran who must overcome his solitude to save his son (help his son avoid becoming isolated like him).

Lead Character 3 name: Claire
— Role in the Story: Motivating Protagonist
— Age range and Description: mid 70s, Stewart’s long-patient wife.
— Core Traits: Determined, Well-meaning, Compassionate, Resentful
— Character Subtext: Claire is desperate to reunify her family before it’s too late.
— Motivation; Want/Need: Wants closer family relationships; Needs to risk it all to get it.
— Flaw: Regrets having waited so long to reunify her husband and son.
— What’s special about this character? She’s determined to avoid betraying Stewart’s trust in her.
— Character Logline: Claire is a wife and mother who wants a unified family but comes up against social expectations of her veteran husband and son that seem impossible to navigate.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Monster Reveal Track

Monster clues and reveals are indicated with ••• and italics

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m bundling too much context for each step leaving me with repeating writing that will require clean up later. I learned I need to pay attention to each step as a separate part of developing the script.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

• ATMOSPHERE OF EVIL ESTABLISHED — PROLOGUE (1963): In an underground cavern, Alcatraz prison escapees Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, Frank Morris, and Allen West are heard, running, yelling, and screaming. They enter a large underground chamber with a rocky shore and deep, dark, pool of water. Trapped in a dead end, they turn to see a blast water come from the passage they ran from. The water hits them with a force of a hurricane and throws them across the chamber into the rocks over the dark water. The chamber quiets down leaving the bodies of the dead men.
TODAY: A group of tourists listen to stories told by the tour guide of spooky tales of people going missing on the island feared murdered by the ghosts of a long-ago pirate shipwreck.

• THE CHARACTERS ARE WARNED NOT TO DO IT —The tour guide catches one of them wander off-trail and warns everyone to keep to the marked trail because it’s easy to get lost in the “catacombs.”

• CONNECT WITH THE CHARACTERS — The members of the group are excited to be on the island and exploring a notorious site of their hobby. They have their phones and on advice of the brochure they brought flashlights knowing they would be going below the prison and sometimes the power goes out. The debate among themselves (we’re introduced to each of them). They secretly agree to go off-trail to explore. One of the group resists, “maybe we shouldn’t,” but then gives in. The group sneaks off-trail to a crumbling stone door and it opens.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: The initial presence of the water-monster is noticed but seems pretty normal. The underground passages are expected to be damp. They don’t notice it, but the water hides a sign warning against entering the hallway.

HORROR SITUATION — MENACING LOCATION – The group pulls open the door and hear, from deep in the discovered hallway, what sounds like screams. A few are unnerved by the sounds.
REACTION: — DENIAL – The eager ones laugh it off, “Ha ha! Spooky wind,” and one by one enter the secret hallway. They believe nothing bad will happen in the prison that has been closed since 1963 and is now a State Park for goodness’ sake and the stories of people getting lost were for entertainment.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: The surge of water quietly closes the door to the mystery hallway.

HORROR SITUATION — TRAPPED – No one knows they are here. They explore the hallway of rusted prison cells but find the hallway is a dead end. They turn around and are disappointed that this is all there is. However, they can’t find the way out even though the hallway is straight.
REACTION — DENIAL – This can’t be. It makes no sense. It’s got to be here.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They calm down and methodically look for the way out.

• SAFETY TAKEN AWAY — They are stuck here.

HORROR SITUATION — They are lost and no one knows they are here.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They can’t find the way they came in so they must find a way out.

•••MONSTER REVEAL/CLUE: The hallway starts to fill with water.

••Character Death 1: Blake (Obnoxious-know-it-all)
••WHY: Mr. Know-It-All believes he can figure out where the water is coming from because he’s a “caver” and knows about this kind of stuff (he’s pretending).
••How: Blake loses his footing and falls beneath the water that rises in the hallway with no way out and is simply gone when the water recedes.

HORROR SITUATION — FORCE OF NATURE – Water starts filling the hallway and just as quickly goes away.
RESPONSE — DENIAL/CONFUSION – What just happened? They check if everyone is there, but no one really knows for sure how many they started with. The group is not sure someone is missing because they didn’t take a head-count at the start. Some are sure someone is missing. Others are not certain. They buddy up.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

• ISOLATED / TRAPPED / ABDUCTED — Without an alternative, they must continue looking for a way out. After all, the “Great Escape” guys found a way out. We can too.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: A sudden surge of water rushes into and through the hallway, above the knee deep, and weirdly flows out at the end of the hallway and disappears. A second person goes missing from a weird situation, and now they are all sure someone is gone.

HORROR SITUATION — WATER THAT KIDNAPS/KILLS – They investigate where the water and cruel prankster(s) went.
REACTION — CONFUSED AND ANGRY – They start to suspect they are being pranked and suspect the missing person, the planner of the group trip, of playing tricks on the rest of the group to scare them. He must be a psychopath and is responsible for this. He told a super-scary story, he found the crumbling doorway, he talked us into coming in here. He must have closed the door and is playing tricks on us to scare us.

••Character Death 2: Frankie (Leader)
••WHY: Frankie goes missing (dies) to create more confusion for the remainder of the group.
••HOW: Water rushing through the hallway. They don’t know if this is a natural phenomenon because it’s so weird or if it’s a well-planned set of pranks.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

• MONSTER: THE NATURE OF THE BEAST — They continue down a passage they found after the last surge of water and must walk through deep puddles.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: The water kills someone in front of them. Now they know something is up with the water.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl and the powerful water grabs and pulls one of them down into the dark water. The others hold on for dear life. This is not a prank! We could die here! The fallen guy comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears.
REACTION — REALIZATION/ESCAPE – This is more than just a psychopath. There’s something else going on here! We have to get out!

••Character Death 3: Vincent (Love interest)
••WHY: Vincent wants to be a protector of his love interest (Bonnie).
••HOW: Steps into a deep puddle in a passage. The water begins to swirl and drags him away. He comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears. The rest of the group watches in stunned horror.

• ONE OF US KILLED — They continue down narrow passageways, now less finished and more cave-like, searching for a way out.

HORROR SITUATION — They find someone peering into a crevasse. How did they get ahead? They find it’s the dead body of Blake, the first one dragged away by the water.
REACTION — REALIZATION – They don’t know how, whether prank or natural phenomenon, or why, but they are in grave danger.
REACTION — ESCAPE – Go back or keep going forward? Forward.

• FULL PURSUIT BY THE KILLER — Remaining group members select a hallway and move quickly as they look for a way out.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: They encounter the monster, it has more human shapes of arms and legs and when it grabs one of them, they fight back but are all pulled over a waterfall.

HORROR SITUATION — Splashing sounds approach them. They prepare to fight the psycho planner. But, it’s not him, it’s water, a wall of water with water arms reaching from the wall of water and legs stepping out of the water toward the group.
REACTION – ESCAPE – Surprised it’s not a person, they flee deeper into the catacombs. Chased into a dead end, they dig at the walls to find a loose area that might be able to break away.

• TERRORIZED — The water reaches and grabs them and drags them down another passage screaming and trying to stay together (reminiscent of the prologue) they fight against the pull of the water. The group is dragged over a waterfall and they all land in the large chamber with a dark pool of water.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

• FIGHT TO THE DEATH — Here in the chamber they find the bodies of all of their missing group members. Their dead friends are lined up with skeletal remains. Four wear the prison uniforms of the Great Escape escapees. The others are older with rotting pirate-looking boots and scraps of clothing and hats. And, corroded swords and other weapons.

••Character Death 4: Chester (Complainer)
••WHY: Chester dies to elevate the fear of the group by showing more of what the water is capable of forming itself into.
••HOW: The water-arms and water-legs grab Chester, the group tug-of-wars with the water, but are pulled into the pool. Everyone but Chester climbs back onto the rocks. The water holds a screaming Chester tightly and slowly takes him below the water as he struggles against the water binding him until he drowns. The water releases the dead Chester to float in the dark pool.

HORROR SITUATION — There’s no other place to go. They can’t go deeper. They’re at the bottom. They can’t make it back up the slippery waterfall. All remaining members of the group survived the attack that brought them here. They’re doomed!
REACTION — TRY TO SOLVE IT – They put their heads together to see what they might be able to use to fight this thing. Maybe throw rocks or use the pirate weapons. One of them foolishly tosses a small rock into the water. It swirls oddly, then stops. One is flashing his light into the water beyond where Chester floats and sees a tunnel. They get excited that maybe that’s a way out and start talking excitedly.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl.
REACTION — HIDE – All of the survivors climb onto rocks and away from the water. Everyone stays still and quiet. The water sends columns of water to seek out a victim. Finding no one, it settles back into the pool.

• HYSTERIA — Everyone is stunned. There’s no way out! It’s just a matter of time until all are taken by the water.

HORROR SITUATION — Should someone at least try to swim for it and send help?
REACTION — PREPARE TO FIGHT – “We can’t just sit here forever!” Everyone arms themselves with rocks and old swords. In the rush, no one notices that Tag-Along selects two femur bones and a skull.

• THE THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH — They toss rocks in to the pool of water. It begins to swirl. Tag-Along is talking, chanting really, quietly.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up and screams!
REACTION — HIDE – Everyone holds their high ground. The water searches. Tentacles of water reach up.
REACTION — FIGHT – All at once they throw stones at the water, slice it with swords, smash it with backpacks, anything they have.
REACTION — FLEE – “Keep it up, I’ll swim for it!” and one of them dives into the water and disappears below.

• DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE — A daring escape!

•••MONSTER REVEAL: Ghoulie jumps in to swim to escape through the tunnel. The water, bashed and slashed by the fighting group notices that someone is in the water. It retreats and chases after Ghoulie.

••Character Death 5: Ghoulie (Gamer)
••WHY: Ghoulie tries to swim through a tunnel to find a way out of the “end-game” chamber while the others fight the water. He wants to win the “game.”
••HOW: The water riles up and throws him back up out of the pool and against the rocks and kills him.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: The water screams and throws Ghoulie up out of the pool to smash against the rock ceiling. He falls dead. There is no way out. They learn they can hide, but eventually, they will die here.

HORROR SITUATION —The water roils and splashes but stops pursuing the survivors. It blasts down through the pool. This shows everyone there is no way out.
REACTION — DESPAIR – They are out of ideas and scream for help.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: The water comes again, but they hide. It pushes Ghoulie next to the other dead bodies. With a short burst of water spray, it retreats.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up again and begins a hurricane-like spin in the chamber. Faster and faster. It’s screams drown out any possible voices but a few human screams.

REACTION — PREPARE TO DIE – There’s nothing anyone can do. They can’t fight. All they can do is hold on to whatever perch they can.
REACTION — FIGHT – Tag-Along has positioned the skull and femur bones in a Jolly Roger arrangement on a flat rock. Tag-Alone appears to be chanting. The water is not touching the bones. Tag-Along kneels over the skull and crossed bones and lays hand on the bones leaning in as if chanting/yelling to the skull.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: It spins up with a vengeance and brings hurricane winds and rain to attack all of the chamber and anyone in it.

• RESOLUTION — Everyone is clinging to rocks and trying to keep from being dragged into the pool. They are being slashed and cut by the force of the water. Suddenly, there is a tortured scream let loose by the water. They expect to die any second now. But, the water stops and all is quiet except for the voice of Tag-Along who is loudly chanting a remedy of a pirate curse. The remaining members turn, cuts on their faces and clothing torn by the raging hurricane water.

•••MONSTER REVEAL: One of the group has utilized their knowledge of myths, pirates, and curses and found they can fight that way. They chant during the hurricane event and the water calms down. Tag-along keeps chanting, but not as loudly. Then stops at the end of the chant.

All is now quiet. They look at each other and at the water. “Is it over?”

[Diane Keranen]

Hi Everyone,
I’m Diane. I’ve written two feature-length dramas, I have two in the works (one drama, one horror), and a Christmas romance co-written with a friend. I’ve also written a few shorts. I hope to develop the know-how that will help me reach the right people in the right way to generate some interest in my work in order to get my scripts produced and out there (and money coming in, of course). I’m working on changing careers late in the game. I think I can do it. Wait, no, I can do it!

[Diane Keranen]

1. My name is Diane Keranen.

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. The entire text of the Confidentiality Agreement is below:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Character Death Track

Deaths are indicated with ••

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s so easy to come up with other ideas for the deaths and mayhem so doing an outline to track the plot will make writing the script so much easier. So much more efficient! And it’ll be fairly easy to revise the plot track when the next track introduces more horrific ideas to add in. I also found it was easy to move ideas around and try them in different locations in the track. So much easier than rewriting a script.

Create your plot.

1. Knowing your concept, fill in one or two sentences for each of the plot points.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

• ATMOSPHERE OF EVIL ESTABLISHED — PROLOGUE (1963): In an underground cavern, Alcatraz prison escapees Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, Frank Morris, and Allen West are heard, running, yelling, and screaming. They enter a large cavern with a rocky shore and deep, dark, pool of water. They turn to see a blast water come from the passage they ran from. The water hits them with a force of a hurricane and throws the across the cavern into the dark water. The cavern quiets down leaving only a tattered raft and the bodies of the men.
TODAY: A group of tourists listen to stories told by the tour guide of spooky tales of people going missing on the island feared murdered by the ghosts of a long-ago pirate shipwreck.

• THE CHARACTERS ARE WARNED NOT TO DO IT —The tour guide catches one of them wander off-trail and warns everyone to keep to the marked trail because it’s easy to get lost in the “catacombs.”

• CONNECT WITH THE CHARACTERS — The members of the group are excited to be on the island and exploring a notorious site of their hobby. As they introduce themselves. They have their phones and they even brought flashlights knowing they would be going below the prison on advice of the brochure. They agree to go off-trail One of the group resists, “maybe we shouldn’t,” but then gives in. The group sneaks off-trail to a crumbling door and it opens.

HORROR SITUATION — MENACING LOCATION – The group pulls open the door and hear, from deep in the discovered hallway, what sounds like screams. A few are unnerved by the sounds.
REACTION: — DENIAL – The eager ones laugh it off, “Haha! Spooky wind,” and one by one enter the secret hallway. Of course, they believe nothing bad will happen in the prison that has been closed since 1963 and is now a State Park for goodness’ sake.

HORROR SITUATION — TRAPPED – No one knows they are here. They hid their entry. They explore the hallway of rusted prison cells but find the hallway is a dead end. They turn around, disappointed that this is all there is, but they can’t find the way out even though the hallway is straight.
REACTION — DENIAL – This can’t be. It makes no sense.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They calm down and methodically look for the way out.

• SAFETY TAKEN AWAY — They are stuck here.

HORROR SITUATION — They are lost and no one knows they are here.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They can’t find the way they came in so they must find any way out. They find passages of stairs leading down. Going deeper is risky, but so is staying here.

HORROR SITUATION — FORCE OF NATURE – Water starts filling the hallway. They’re confused and panicky. The water is waist high and starts to swirl. One of them loses their footing and goes under. They pop up, scream for help, and disappear. The water subsides out of the hallway. But he’s gone.

••Character Death 1: Blake (Obnoxious-know-it-all)
••WHY: Mr. Know-It-All believes he can figure out where the water is coming from because he’s a “caver” and knows about this kind of stuff (he’s pretending).
••How: Blake loses his footing and falls beneath the water that rises in the hallway with no way out and is simply gone when the water recedes. They aren’t actually sure someone is missing because they didn’t take a head-count at the start. Some are sure someone is missing. Others are sure they are simply confused.

RESPONSE — DENIAL/CONFUSION – Did that just happen. They check if everyone is there, but no one really knows for sure how many they started with. They buddy up.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
• ISOLATED / TRAPPED / ABDUCTED — Without an alternative, they must continue looking for a way out. After all, the “Great Escape” guys found a way out. We can too.

HORROR SITUATION — WATER THAT KIDNAPS/KILLS – Water starts to run rapidly into the narrow passage from cracks in the rock walls.
REACTION — ESCAPE – They panic and desperately seek to go back up the stone steps. When out of the gushing water, one of them is missing.

••Character Death 2: Frankie (Leader)
••WHY: Frankie goes missing (dies) to create more confusion for the remainder of the group.
••HOW: Water gushing from cracks in the walls, pummel the group and one is missing after the water calms down. They don’t know if this is a natural phenomenon because it’s so weird. However, Frankie, the one who planned the tour goes missing and the others begins to suspect he’s playing tricks on them.

REACTION — ANGER – The planner of the trip is missing. He must be a psychopath and is responsible for this. He told a super-scary story, he found the crumbling doorway, he talked us into coming in here. He must have closed the door and is playing tricks on us to scare us.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

• MONSTER: THE NATURE OF THE BEAST — The continue down a passage and must walk through deep puddles.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl and the swirling water grabs and pulls one of them down into the dark water. He comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears.

REACTION — REALIZATION/ESCAPE – This is more than just a psychopath. There’s something else going on here! We have to get out!

••Character Death 3: Vincent (Love interest)
••WHY: Vincent wants to be a protector of his love interest (Bonnie).
••HOW: Steps into a deep puddle in a passage. The water begins to swirl and drags him away. He comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears. The rest of the group watches in stunned horror.

• ONE OF US KILLED — They continue down a narrow hallway searching for a way out.

HORROR SITUATION — They find someone peering into a crevasse. How did they get ahead? They find it’s the dead body of the first one dragged away by the water.
REACTION — REALIZATION – They don’t know how, or why, but they are in grave danger.
REACTION — TRY TO SOLVE IT – Go back or keep going forward? Forward.

• FULL PURSUIT BY THE KILLER — Remaining group members select a hallway and move quickly as they look for a way out.

HORROR SITUATION — Splashing sounds approach them. They prepare to fight the psycho planner. But, it’s not him, it’s water, a wall of water with water arms reaching from the wall of water and legs stepping out of the water toward the group.

REACTION – ESCAPE – Surprised it’s not a person, they flee deeper into the catacombs. Chased into a dead end, they dig at the walls to find a loose area that might be able to break away.

• TERRORIZED — The water reaches them and they are being dragged down another passage screaming and trying to stay together (reminiscent of the prologue) they tug-of-war against the pull of the water. The group is dragged over a waterfall and they all land in the large chamber with a dark pool of water.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
• FIGHT TO THE DEATH — Here they find the bodies of all of their missing group members. Their dead friends are lined up with skeletal remains. Four wear the prison uniforms of the Great Escape escapees. The others are older with rotting pirate-looking boots and scraps of clothing and hats. And, corroded swords.

••Character Death 4: Chester (Complainer)
••WHY: Chester dies to elevate the fear of the group by showing more of what the water is capable of forming itself into.
••HOW: A wall of water with water-arms reaching for the group and water-legs stepping forward out of the water, grabs Chester, the group tug-of-wars with the water and drowns Chester (they believe if he dies from drowning, they could revive him so they hold on) as the remainder of the group is pulled over a waterfall to land in an open chamber.

HORROR SITUATION — There’s no other place to go. They can’t go deeper. They’re at the bottom. They can’t make it back up the slippery waterfall. All remaining members of the group survived the attack that brought them here. They’re doomed!
REACTION — TRY TO SOLVE IT – They put their heads together to see what they might be able to use to fight this thing. One of them foolishly tosses a small rock into the water. It swirls oddly, then stops. They flash light into the water to see if there’s a way out through the water. They get excited about maybe they can get out.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl.
REACTION — HIDE – All of the survivors climb onto rocks and away from the water. Everyone stays still and quiet. The water quiets down.

• HYSTERIA — Everyone is stunned. There’s no way out! It’s just a matter of time until all are taken by the water.

HORROR SITUATION — Should someone at least try to swim for it and send help?

REACTION — PREPARE TO FIGHT – “We can’t just sit here forever!” Everyone arms themselves with rocks and old swords. Tag-Along selects two femur bones and a skull.

• THE THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH — They toss rocks in to the pool of water. It begins to swirl. Tag-Along is talking, chanting really, quietly.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up and screams!
REACTION — HIDE – Everyone holds their high ground. The water searches. Tentacles of water reach up.
REACTION — FIGHT – All at once they throw stones at the water, slice it with swords, smash it with backpacks, anything they have.
REACTION — FLEE – “Keep it up, I’ll swim for it!” and one of them dives into the water and disappears below.

• DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE — A daring escape!

••Character Death 5: Ghoulie (Gamer)
••WHY: Ghoulie tries to swim through a calm pool of water to find a way out of the “end-game” chamber. He wants to will the “game.”
••HOW: The water riles up and throws him back up out of the pool and against the rocks and kills him.

HORROR SITUATION —The water roils and splashes but stops pursuing the survivors. It blasts down through the pool. They know the water is chasing the diver.
REACTION — DESPAIR – The diver is thrown up out of the water, against the rocks, and falls dead.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up again and begins a hurricane-like spin in the chamber. Faster and faster. It’s screams drown out any possible voices but a few human screams.
REACTION — PREPARE TO DIE – There’s nothing anyone can do. They can’t fight. All they can do is hold on to whatever perch they can.
REACTION — FIGHT – Tag-Along has positioned the skull and femur bones in a Jolly Roger arrangement on a flat rock. Tag-Alone appears to be chanting. The water is not touching the bones. Tag-Along kneels before the skull and crossed bones and lays hand on the bones leaning in as if chanting/yelling to the skull.

• RESOLUTION — Suddenly the water stops and all is quiet except for the voice of Tag-Along who is loudly chanting a remedy of a pirate curse. The remaining members turn, cuts on their faces and clothing torn by the raging hurricane water. Tag-along keeps chanting, but not as loudly. Then stops at the end of the chant. All is now quiet. “We can go now,” says Tag-Along.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Horror Situation Track

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s so easy to come up with other ideas for the deaths and mayhem so doing an outline to track the plot will make writing the script so much easier. So much more efficient! And it’ll be fairly easy to revise the plot track when the next track introduces more horrific ideas to add in. I also found it was easy to move ideas around and try them in different locations in the track. So much easier that rewriting a script.

Create your plot.

1. Knowing your concept, fill in one or two sentences for each of the plot points.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

• ATMOSPHERE OF EVIL ESTABLISHED — PROLOGUE (1963): In an underground cavern, Alcatraz prison escapees Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, Frank Morris, and Allen West are heard, running, yelling, and screaming. They enter a large cavern with a rocky shore and deep, dark, pool of water. They turn to see a blast water come from the passage they ran from. The water hits them with a force of a hurricane and throws the across the cavern into the dark water. The cavern quiets down leaving only a tattered raft and the bodies of the men.
TODAY: A group of tourists listen to stories told by the tour guide of spooky tales of people going missing on the island feared murdered by the ghosts of a long-ago pirate shipwreck.

• THE CHARACTERS ARE WARNED NOT TO DO IT —The tour guide catches one of them wander off-trail and warns everyone to keep to the marked trail because it’s easy to get lost in the “catacombs.”

• CONNECT WITH THE CHARACTERS — The members of the group are excited to be on the island and exploring a notorious site of their hobby. As they introduce themselves. They have their phones and they even brought flashlights knowing they would be going below the prison on advice of the brochure. They agree to go off-trail One of the group resists, “maybe we shouldn’t,” but then gives in. The group sneaks off-trail to a crumbling door and it opens.

HORROR SITUATION — MENACING LOCATION – The group pulls open the door and hear, from deep in the discovered hallway, what sounds like screams. A few are unnerved by the sounds.
REACTION: — DENIAL – The eager ones laugh it off, “Haha! Spooky wind,” and one by one enter the secret hallway. Of course, they believe nothing bad will happen in the prison that has been closed since 1963 and is now a State Park for goodness’ sake.

HORROR SITUATION — TRAPPED – No one knows they are here. They hid their entry. They explore the hallway of rusted prison cells but find the hallway is a dead end. They turn around, disappointed that this is all there is, but they can’t find the way out even though the hallway is straight.
REACTION — DENIAL – This can’t be. It makes no sense.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They calm down and methodically look for the way out.

• SAFETY TAKEN AWAY — They are stuck here.

HORROR SITUATION — They are lost and no one knows they are here.
REACTION — SOLVE IT – They can’t find the way they came in so they must find any way out. They find passages of stairs leading down. Going deeper is risky, but so is staying here.

HORROR SITUATION — FORCE OF NATURE – Water starts filling the hallway. They’re confused and panicky. The water is waist high and starts to swirl. One of them loses their footing and goes under. They pop up, scream for help, and disappear. The water subsides out of the hallway. But he’s gone.
RESPONSE — DENIAL/CONFUSION – Did that just happen. They check if everyone is there, but no one really knows for sure how many they started with. They buddy up.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
• ISOLATED / TRAPPED / ABDUCTED — Without an alternative, they must continue looking for a way out. After all, the “Great Escape” guys found a way out. We can too.

HORROR SITUATION — WATER THAT KIDNAPS/KILLS – Water starts to run rapidly into the narrow passage from cracks in the rock walls.
REACTION — ESCAPE – They panic and desperately seek to go back up the stone steps. When out of the gushing water, one of them is missing.

REACTION — ANGER – The planner of the trip is missing. He must be a psychopath and is responsible for this. He told a super-scary story, he found the crumbling doorway, he talked us into coming in here. He must have closed the door and is playing tricks on us to scare us.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

• MONSTER: THE NATURE OF THE BEAST — The continue down a passage and must walk through deep puddles.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl and the swirling water grabs and pulls one of them down into the dark water. He comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears.

REACTION — REALIZATION/ESCAPE – This is more than just a psychopath. There’s something else going on here! We have to get out!

• ONE OF US KILLED — They continue down a narrow hallway searching for a way out.

HORROR SITUATION — They find someone peering into a crevasse. How did they get ahead? They find it’s the dead body of the first one dragged away by the water.
REACTION — REALIZATION – They don’t know how, or why, but they are in grave danger.
REACTION — TRY TO SOLVE IT – Go back or keep going forward? Forward.

• FULL PURSUIT BY THE KILLER — Remaining group members select a hallway and move quickly as they look for a way out.

HORROR SITUATION — Splashing sounds approach them. They prepare to fight the psycho planner. But, it’s not him, it’s water, a wall of water with water arms reaching from the wall of water and legs stepping out of the water toward the group.

REACTION – ESCAPE – Surprised it’s not a person, they flee deeper into the catacombs. Chased into a dead end, they dig at the walls to find a loose area that might be able to break away.

• TERRORIZED — The water reaches them and they are being dragged down another passage screaming and trying to stay together (reminiscent of the prologue) they tug-of-war against the pull of the water. The group is dragged over a waterfall and they all land in the large cavern.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
• FIGHT TO THE DEATH — Here they find the bodies of all of their missing group members. Their dead friends are lined up with skeletal remains. Four wear the prison uniforms of the Great Escape escapees. The others are older with rotting pirate-looking boots and scraps of clothing and hats. And, corroded swords.

HORROR SITUATION — There’s no other place to go. They can’t go deeper. They’re at the bottom. They can’t make it back up the slippery waterfall. All remaining members of the group survived the attack that brought them here. They’re doomed!
REACTION — TRY TO SOLVE IT – They put their heads together to see what they might be able to use to fight this thing. One of them foolishly tosses a small rock into the water. It swirls oddly, then stops. They flash light into the water to see if there’s a way out through the water. They get excited about maybe they can get out.

HORROR SITUATION — The water begins to swirl.
REACTION — HIDE – All of the survivors climb onto rocks and away from the water. Everyone stays still and quiet. The water quiets down.

• HYSTERIA — Everyone is stunned. There’s no way out! It’s just a matter of time until all are taken by the water.

HORROR SITUATION — Should someone at least try to swim for it and send help?

REACTION — PREPARE TO FIGHT – “We can’t just sit here forever!” Everyone arms themselves with rocks and old swords. Tag-Along selects two femur bones and a skull.

• THE THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH — They toss rocks in to the pool of water. It begins to swirl. Tag-Along is talking, chanting really, quietly.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up and screams!
REACTION — HIDE – Everyone holds their high ground. The water searches. Tentacles of water reach up.
REACTION — FIGHT – All at once they throw stones at the water, slice it with swords, smash it with backpacks, anything they have.
REACTION — FLEE – “Keep it up, I’ll swim for it!” and one of them dives into the water and disappears below.

• DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE — They wonder if the diver made it out.

HORROR SITUATION —The water roils and splashes but stops pursuing the survivors. It blasts down through the pool. They know the water is chasing the diver.
REACTION — DESPAIR – The diver is thrown up out of the water, against the rocks, and falls dead.

HORROR SITUATION — The water swirls up again and begins a hurricane-like spin in the chamber. Faster and faster. It’s screams drown out any possible voices but a few human screams.
REACTION — PREPARE TO DIE – There’s nothing anyone can do. They can’t fight. All they can do is hold on to whatever perch they can.
REACTION — FIGHT – Tag-Along has positioned the skull and femur bones in a Jolly Roger arrangement on a flat rock. Tag-Alone appears to be chanting. The water is not touching the bones. Tag-Along kneels before the skull and crossed bones and lays hand on the bones leaning in as if chanting/yelling to the skull.

• RESOLUTION — Suddenly the water stops and all is quiet except for the voice of Tag-Along who is loudly chanting a remedy of a pirate curse. The remaining members turn, cuts on their faces and clothing torn by the raging hurricane water. Tag-along keeps chanting, but not as loudly. Then stops at the end of the chant. All is now quiet. “We can go now,” says Tag-Along.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Heavy rain approaches as two farmers are forced to work together on a disputed patch of land when a secret and unlikely event binds them together.

ESSENCE: Farmers in a fight over a property line learn the hard way to avoid getting wrapped up in petty details.

SCENE:

EXT. HAY FIELD. DAY
Nancy, mid 30s, driving a tractor is taking up dried rows of alfalfa and turning out big round, wrapped bales. After releasing a ton bale, she see’s someone walking to a tractor with a baler hitched to it at the edge of the field carrying a round-point shovel.

NANCY

Ah ha. Caught him again.

She watches him for a moment through binoculars before jotting something in a notepad.

It’s her new neighbor “SQUIRE,” mid 30s. A city-boy who dresses like an outdoorsy, magazine advertisement of what a farmer looks like: tight-fitting t-shirt, expensive jeans, cowboy boots, handkerchief hanging from a back pocket, scruffy facial hair, and neatly styled hair.

She waves him over. He looks at her for a moment then waves back, but he keeps walking.

NANCY
(yells)
Get your butt over here!

She’s an attractive woman in her well-worn tank top and flowing overshirt. She wears heavy-duty jeans and steel-toe work boots and her hair pulled into a ponytail that’s a little messy after working in the field.

Squire turns and walks toward her. He stops near to where she waits to give her time to take in his rugged good looks. He rests his hand atop the handle of the shovel he’s set down in front of him.

NANCY
Get off my field Tom.

SQUIRE
No need to be so formal, Nancy. “Squire” is what my dear friends call me. I believe you can call yourself a dear friend of mine. Seeing your baling my hay for me.

He flashes her his contagious and disarming smile. She almost smiles but stops herself.

NANCY
Well, Tom, that’s a stupid nickname. What’s with the shovel. You burying a body out here.

There’s that smile again.

SQUIRE
Getting ready to bale hay.

NANCY
You need a shovel for that? You’re more big-city than I thought. Besides, this is my field.

He steps closer to her. Nearly touching. He gestures toward the tree line around the field.

SQUIRE
If I recall, the property line runs from that big, giant oak over there…
(sweeping motion with his arm)
… across the field to that magnificent maple. Over there. But why quibble? I’m just glad to see my neighbor getting the field cleared before the rain starts.

NANCY
This isn’t your field, you ass.

He reaches a hand toward her head and picks a stray piece of hay from her hair. She pushes his hand away.

SQUIRE
Hold on, sweetheart. Just a bit of very fine alfalfa stuck in your hair. There you go. Unless you meant it to be there. It suits you.

He smiles at her as puts the twig between his teeth as if chewing on a toothpick

NANCY
I guess you haven’t noticed the markers. I had the field surveyed the other day.

His looks around for markers.

SQUIRE
You had someone poking around my field? Without telling me?

NANCY
Without telling you? Who I bring onto my property is none of your business. But, as I was saying, I had a surveyor out here because I figured you’d start up again about your make-believe property line. The true markers run from…

She takes a step away from him.

NANCY
… THAT oak over there to the rock pile over here. You’re taking, or as Deputy Muncie says, stealing a good ten acres of my finest alfalfa.

Squire looks out over the field.

SQUIRE
Muncie. He’s one-of-kind that one. It’d be a hoot to see him arrest someone for baling hay. In farm-country.

NANCY
Maybe he should know about you sneaking around burying bodies on my land.

SQUIRE
Look at those clouds. That rain is getting close.

Squire turns back to Nancy with a renewed smoothness.

SQUIRE
You and me, we don’t need deputies and markers. We’ve got family farming history. You can bale my hay. Frees me up for other chores.

NANCY
You mean my hay. What’re you out here burying anyhow?

Thunder booms as dark gray clouds approach on the horizon.

SQUIRE
Property lines, those are details for another time.

NANCY
I suppose. For right now anyway. But, I can get more of these rows baled up before you figure out how to use that baler of yours. I’ve got Muncie on speed dial, so don’t go getting in my way while you try to figure out how your baler works. I don’t want you to go to jail over a few acres, so don’t test my patience.

Squire smiles at her again and looks her in the eye.

SQUIRE
I’d rather get Old Man Hagar out here and see what he has to say about it. I bet he’s got some interesting stories to share about this here property line.

NANCY
“Half-in-the-bag Hagar”? He don’t know shit.

SQUIRE
Hey. That’s my uncle.

NANCY
(surprised)
Oh, Jeez. Sorry. He’s harmless, but not a man in the know. But that rain is closing in so it’d be best to get this hay up. I don’t want to be feeding my cows spent or moldy alfalfa.

SQUIRE

I guess I’ll take my body-burying shovel and get my machine running and we can see who can get more work done.

He winks at her. She rolls her eyes.

Nancy watches as Squire for a moment after he turns to walk over to his tractor. He flips the shovel over his shoulder. She sees him wrestle with a bundle of loose twine and shakes her head in disbelief.

She climbs onto her tractor, but before she starts up, she hears an unusual sound. An ominous clang and groaning sound. She looks, but can’t see Squire on his tractor.

She starts up and bales up the row of hay that takes her closer to his tractor but is still unable to see him. She stops, steps down, and walks over.

Squire is trapped between the baler and the tractor.

NANCY
Holy hell! What the…

SQUIRE
This twine was causing trouble all day, then the guard slipped off when I stepped up.

She reaches up and turns off Squire’s tractor. His legs are caught up in a bundle of twine that had wrapped around the drive-hitch and his legs are jammed against the steel of the hitch. He can’t move.

Nancy grips the hitch and tries to reverse its rotation. It’s stuck solid. She pulls a knife from her pocket, unfolds the blade, and looks at Squire and at the blade.

NANCY
This seems like a good time to discuss that property line. Don’t you think?

Squire smiles that intoxicating smile of his.

Nancy grabs a handful of loose twine and cuts. The hitch rotates as built-up tension releases, and now her flowing shirt is caught up in the hitch in the other direction as her knife goes flying.

Squire laughs, winces, laughs.

Nancy is now really mad. While unhurt, they are pressed up against each other in a much unwanted spooning position.

SQUIRE
I guess we should call somebody. Anyone by Muncie though. He’s got it out for me. But my phone broke in the hitch.

Nancy rolls her eyes. You are some piece of work.

NANCY
My phone is in my tractor cab.

They both strain against the twine as a flash of lightening releases a heavy rain that falls on them and the ten acres of ready-to-bale-hay that will go to waste.

[Diane Keranen]

This is my draft prior to listening to the audio critique videos. This draft does not need feedback. After listening to the critique videos, I’ll revise and post the Exchange Feedback forum with a version for feedback exchange.

LOGLINE: Heavy rain approaches as two farmers are forced to work together on a disputed patch of land when a secret and unlikely event binds them together.

ESSENCE: Farmers in a fight over a property line learn the hard way to avoid getting wrapped up in petty details.

SCENE:

EXT. HAY FIELD. DAY
Nancy, mid 30s, driving a tractor is taking up dried rows of alfalfa and turning out big round, wrapped bales. After releasing a ton bale, she see’s someone walking to a tractor with a baler hitched to it at the edge of the field carrying a round-point shovel.

She watches him for a moment.

It’s her new neighbor “SQUIRE,” mid 30s. A city-boy who dresses like an outdoorsy, magazine advertisement of what a farmer looks like: tight-fitting t-shirt, expensive jeans, cowboy boots, handkerchief hanging from a back pocket, scruffy facial hair, and neatly styled hair.

She waves him over. He looks at her for a moment then waves back, but he keeps walking.

NANCY
(yells)
Get your butt over here!

She’s pretty even in her well-worn tank top and flowing overshirt. She wears heavy-duty jeans and steel-toe work boots, and her hair pulled into a ponytail that’s a little messy after working in the field.

Squire turns and walks toward her. He stops near to give her time to take in his rugged good looks. He rests his hand atop the handle of the shovel he’s set down in front of him.

NANCY
Get off my field Tom.

SQUIRE
No need to be so formal, Nancy. “Squire” is what my dear friends call me. I believe you can call yourself a dear friend of mine. Seeing your baling my hay for me.

He flashes her his contagious and disarming smile. She almost smiles but stops herself. He takes note of her effort.

NANCY
Well, Tom, that’s a stupid nickname. What’s with the shovel. You burying a body out here.

There’s that smile again.

SQUIRE
Getting ready to bale hay.

NANCY
You need a shovel for that? You’re more big-city than I thought. Besides, this is my field.

He steps closer to her. Nearly touching. He gestures toward the tree line around the field.

SQUIRE
If I recall, the property line runs from that big, giant oak over there…
(sweeping motion with his arm)
… across the field to that magnificent maple. Over there. But why quibble? I’m just glad to see my hay getting picked up before the rain starts.

He reaches a hand toward her head and picks a stray piece of hay from her hair. She pushes his hand away.

SQUIRE
Hold on, sweetheart. Just a bit of very fine alfalfa stuck in your hair. There you go. Unless you meant it to be there. It suits you.

He smiles at her as puts the twig between his teeth as if chewing on a toothpick

NANCY
I guess you haven’t noticed the markers. I had the field surveyed…

His smile fades a bit as he looks around for markers.

SQUIRE
(teasing)
You had someone poking around my field? Without telling me?

NANCY
What do you mean without telling you? YBut, as I was saying, I had a surveyor out here because I figured you’d start up again about your make-believe property line. The true markers run from…

She takes a step away from him.

NANCY
… THAT oak over there to the rock pile over here. You’re taking, or as Sheriff Muncie says, stealing a good ten acres of my finest alfalfa.

Squire looks out over the field.

SQUIRE
Muncie isn’t going to worry about hay bales.

NANCY
Maybe. He’s busy chasing a raise. Maybe he should know about you sneaking around burying bodies on my land.

SQUIRE
Look at those clouds. That rain is getting close.

Squire turns back to Nancy with a renewed smoothness.

SQUIRE
You and me, we don’t need markers. We’ve got family farming history. You can help me with baling…

NANCY
…my hay.

Thunder booms as dark gray clouds approach on the horizon.

SQUIRE
Property lines, those are details for another time.

NANCY
I hate to have you working my land but, and I dare say, I can get more of these rows baled up before you figure out how to use that baler of yours and partake in the work at hand. I’ve got Muncie on speed dial, so don’t go causing trouble. I don’t want you to go to jail over a few acres, but don’t test me.

Squire smiles at her again and looks her in the eye.

SQUIRE
I’d rather get Old Man Hagar out here and see what he has to say about it. I bet he’s got some interesting stories to share about this here property line.

NANCY
“Half-in-the-bag Hagar”? He don’t know shit.

SQUIRE
Hey. That’s my uncle.

NANCY
(surprised)
Oh, Jeez. Sorry. He’s harmless, but not a man in the know. But that rain is closing in so it’d be best to get this hay up. I don’t want to be feeding my cows spent or moldy alfalfa.

SQUIRE

I don’t mind you baling my hay. Let’s get this done.

Nancy watches for a moment before turning to get back to work. She sees him wrestle with a bundle of loose twine and shakes her head in disbelief.

She climbs onto her tractor, but before she starts up, she hears an unusual sound. An ominous clang and groaning sound. She looks, but can’t see Squire on his tractor.

She starts up and bales up the row of hay that takes her closer to his tractor but is still unable to see him. She stops, steps down, and walks over.

Squire is trapped between the baler and the tractor.

NANCY
Holy hell! What the…

SQUIRE
This twine was causing trouble all day, then the guard slipped off when I stepped up.

She reaches up and turns off Squire’s tractor. His legs are caught up in a bundle of twine that had wrapped around the drive-hitch and his legs are jammed against the steel of the hitch. He can’t move.

Nancy grips the hitch and tries to reverse its rotation. It’s stuck. She pulls a knife from her pocket, unfolds the blade, and looks at Squire and at the blade.

NANCY
This seems like a good time to discuss that property line. Don’t you think?

Squire smiles that intoxicating smile of his.

Nancy grabs a handful of loose twine. The hitch rotates as built-up tension releases, and now her flowing shirt is caught up in the hitch in the other direction as her knife goes flying.

Squire laughs, winces, laughs.

Nancy is now really mad. While unhurt, they are pressed up against each other in a much unwanted spooning position.

SQUIRE
I guess we should call somebody. Anyone by Muncie though. He’s got it out for me. But I don’t have my phone.

Nancy rolls her eyes.

NANCY
Mine is in my cab.

They both strain against the twine as a flash of lightening releases a heavy rain that falls on them and the ten acres of ready-to-bale-hay that will go to waste.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s so easy to come up with other ideas for the deaths and mayhem so doing an outline to track the plot will make writing the script so much easier. So much more efficient! And it’ll be fairly easy to revise the plot track when the next track introduces more horrific ideas to add in.

Create your plot.

Knowing your concept, fill in one or two sentences for each of the plot points.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
• Atmosphere of Evil established — The group is on a tour of the basement levels of Alcatraz prison where myths and rumors of prison torture and deaths are reputed to have occurred. The group’s leader spots a crumbling wall and encourage the group to sneak off the tour and go see what’s behind the crumbled wall.
• Connect with the characters — The members of the group are excited to be on the island and exploring a notorious site of their hobby. They bring different personalities and knowledge of the location.
• The characters are warned not to do it — One of them go off-tour and look behind the opening of the broken wall. It’s a hallway! The tour guide admonished him to stay on the tour. It’s easy to get lost in the “catacombs” where the worst punishments were carried out. Stay on the designated tour route and they will be fine.
• Denial of Horror — Of course, none of the group believe anything will happen on the prison that has been closed since 1963 and is now a State Park for goodness’ sake.
• Safety taken away — The talk themselves into going off tour and exploring the discovered hallway. The fall behind the rest of the tour group and sneak over to the secret hallway and find the wall covering the hallway is easy to shove out of the way and for all to enter. They’re careful to make it appear as though the “door” is still there so nobody knows they are exploring. When they get deep into the hallway, even though they went straight in, they can’t find the entrance. There are passages of stairs leading down, but they can’t find the way out.
• Monster: The nature of the beast — There is a sudden rush of water, from where they can’t tell, that rises up over knee deep. Their footing becomes unsteady and one of the group falls under the water, comes up and screams that “it’s got me” and disappears.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
• Isolated / Trapped / Abducted — Unable to find a way out, the group decides to try to find a new way out. After all, the “Great Escape” guys found a way out. We can too.
• One of us killed — With the water gone, they find the body of the one who was washed away. He has markings that look as if he were strangled, but they figure it must have been a fluke and he actually drowned.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
• Full pursuit by the killer — Another flood of water rises seeming through the floor. It’s not coming from anywhere other than the floor. They look for higher ground. They find a stairway and go up it. Most are out of the water. The water begins to swirl and the swirling water grabs one of the group and pulls him down into the dark water. He comes up for air, screams, and the water shapes into a hand and covers his mouth. With eyes wide, scream muffled, the rest of the group watches as he’s pulled into the water and disappears.
• Terrorized — The group is terrified! They have to find a way out and find a way to fight the water when it comes for them again.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
• Fight to the death — Remaining group members select a hallway and move quickly as they look for a way out. Splashing approaches them, it’s water, water hands are dragging a wall of water toward the group. They dig at the walls to find a loose area that might be able to break away. The water reaches them and grabs another member who screams and holds onto other members, the tug-of-war against the pull of the water. They are all being dragged down the hall and toward a stairway leading down. The group loses their grip and the water drags the trapped guy down the stairway.
• Hysteria — Everyone is stunned. There’s no way out! It’s just a matter of time until all are taken by the water.
• The thrilling escape from death — “There’s no way up, let’s go down. Follow the water. See where it comes from. Maybe there’s an access to the bay outside.” Without any other ideas, the remaining members start down the stairs. Slowly at first, then faster once they hear “normal” water washing over rocks.
• Death returns to take one or more — Running now as fast as they can in the dark by the light of their phones, the lead runner stops. Their dead friends are lined up with skeletal remains. Four wear the prison uniforms of the Great Escape escapees. The others are older with rotting pirate-looking boots and scraps of clothing and hats. And, corroded swords.
• Resolution — The group leader picks up a sword and the water screams! The others grab whatever then can that could be a weapon. Water begins to blow in their direction. The closer they get to the rocks where the bay water is lapping over them, the harder the water tries to push them back. Suddenly the water stops and all is quiet except for the voice of the tag-along member who is loudly chanting a remedy of a pirate curse. The remaining members turn. Tag-along keeps chanting, but not as loudly. Then stops at the end of the chant. All is now quiet. “We can go now,” says tag-along. “There’s no way out here. We can go back the way we entered.”

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to let the audience in on the concepts that are playing back and forth between the characters so they can experience the challenges faced by Stewart in this scene.

ESSENCE: This scene is a set-up for a pay-off a few scenes later. To Stewart, Woody sounds as if he’s giving up on life.

INTEREST TECHNIQUES: I’m using Mystery (what is Stewart worried about concerning Woody?), Prediction (Woody’s literal “last words” that Stewart is unsure he heard), Awkward Moment (Annie asks for a ride), and Dilemma (married Stewart is being seduced by Annie).

SCENE:
INT. FELLOWS BAR – NIGHT
Stewart and Woody at the bar drinking beers. Woody is agitated.

WOODY
(a bit drunk)
Fuck it. And all of ‘em who don’t know shit.

Holds up his beer for Stewart to join him in his toast. Stewart raises his and gives Woody’s beer a light tap.

WOODY
I’m outta here. Buggin’ out you might say.

Woody gets up from the bar stool, reaches for his wallet, Stewart waves him off.

STEWART
(less drunk than Woody)
I got it, Woody. Get your ass home.

Woody gives Stewart a friendly slap on the back. Grips Stewart’s shoulders with a friendly shake.

WOODY
Good man. Good. Man. And you. You should go home to that wife of yours. Home home. Not what you got going on with her at her folks’ house.

STEWART
Don’t you start now.

Woody smiles.

WOODY
Fuck. Even you don’t know man. She’s a treasure, that Claire. Not like my wi… ex-wife. She took off to I don’t even know where!
(gets serious)
Get her back, man. You need… everything… she brings to your life. So, you can live it. Not like what I got.

Stewart scoffs.

Woody turns to leave, despite being drunk, he’s surprisingly steady.

WOODY
That’s it for me. It’s time. Enough of this bullshit.

Stewart motions to the bartender and drops money on the bar that he’s covering his and Woody’s bill.

STEWART
You okay to drive.

Woody waves off his concern and turns to leave.

ANNIE, dressed in 70s sexy short dress, 20-something, notices Woody get up to leave and approaches Stewart at the bar. Woody intercepts her and leans over to whisper something. He waggles his finger at her and looks back to Stewart.

She pushes Woody’s gesture away to hide his warning.

WOODY
(to Stewart)
Keep away from this one.

Stewart looks at but doesn’t really register Annie.

STEWART
Let me give you a ride, man.

WOODY
No need. I got it.

STEWART
Well. I’ll catch ya later, then.

Woody turns and walks out of the bar and raises his hand in a good-bye.

WOODY
Yeah. Later.
(to himself but drunk-loud)
There ain’t no later. This is the end…

The door closes behind him.

Annie leans against Stewart and brings his attention away from Woody.

STEWART
What’d he say?

ANNIE
Hey, Stewie.

STEWART
Don’t call me that, Annie.

ANNIE
I’m sure it was nothing. Probably just the booze talkin’.

He looks at her, assesses her motives. She leans on him for a moment. She’s had a few beers.

Stewart stares after Woody and looks through a window and catches a glimpse of him as he drives off.

ANNIE
So, I finally catch you alone.

Stewart turns back to his unfinished beer.

ANNIE
I heard you offering rides. I could use a ride home.

He gives her a tired-of-this glance.

STEWART
Don’t start.

[Diane Keranen]

QE #2

Diane’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I need to practice how I focus on the essence of the scene so I don’t make it to “easy” for the characters to escape visible conflict. Internal tension in the scene isn’t enough, the internal tension needs to break loose into external conflict that the audience needs to see before they can experience the whole essence of the of the scenes and the whole movie.

SCENE 1: Follows opening scene — Claire mediates between her son, Matt (on phone), and husband (in person), Stewart, who are estranged but are now both combat-affected veterans. In this scene, she arrives at Stewart’s cabin to let him know two things, 1) Matt is coming to see him (he’s on his way home from a combat deployment), and 2) that “the time is right” (his words from a long ago promise) for her to move back with him. This scene is the inciting incident that puts all of the main characters into action.

Current Scene Logline: Claire initiates events to bring her family together.

Essence: Claire is working to unite her family at this opportune moment.

Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal — Finally return to the cabin to live together with her husband
• Claire brings this up in the worst way: surprise
• She corners Stewart so he has little choice: triggers his volatility
B. Needs — Claire needs Stewart to agree to her plan to end the father/son estrangement.
• She invades Stewart’s safe space (his isolation)
• She tells him she gave her house (family inherited) to Matt and his wife and son.
• By making herself homeless, the pressure increases on Stewart.
C. Values — Build the family bonds that combat-trauma ripped apart.
• She tells Stewart that Matt needs his help to survive.
• She overrides Stewart’s reasons for why things should stay as they are.
D. Wound — There has been violence in the family.
• Claire, not fully understanding the complexity of combat-trauma, tells Stewart his isolation is hurtful to both her and his son.
• Stewart fears he could hurt her again (physically); she brushes this aside.
• Tells Stewart he must help Matt so Matt can have a relationship with his own son.
E. Physical — Living and dying (by suicide) are options for Matt.
• She makes demands of Stewart that are impossible for him (he’s not a therapist).

Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Currently, Stewart too easily surrenders to Claire’s wishes. I would write the scene differently by putting the goals of Claire and Stewart in more direct conflict to show a more dramatic reaction from Stewart, create external conflict between these two that makes their existing distance seem preferred to a possible total breakdown that could come out of the upcoming events between Claire, Stewart, Matt, and Matt’s wife, Sara.

SCENE 2: Matt, when he goes home to his wife and son, discovers that his wife is planning a surprise Welcome Home party and has invited all of their friends and family. Sara is of the belief that soldiers should put the war experiences behind them when they get back and doesn’t think combat-trauma (ptsd) is a real thing.

Current Scene Logline: Matt discovers his wife, against his expressed wishes, has planned a surprise party to welcome him home.

Essence: Sara believes that the bigger the show of support for Matt’s return will make the return easier even if he can’t see it now.

Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal — Sara expects her party to be a great way to let Matt see how much his friends and family love him.
• Matt lashes out at Sara for having the party.
• Jake, their son, runs in from outside to his dad excited about the party.
B. Needs — Matt needs time to decompress from the military and get advice from his dad
• Matt leaves the house and drives off leaving Sara and Jake confused.
• Sara describes the decorations and plans and all the people she’s invited for him, that his is FOR him and he should come around to her perspective.
C. Values — Rebuilding a disfunctioning family.
• Sara tells him to do things with Jake (Jake likes to play war video games).
• Sara tells Matt to forget about the war and “be” here with us.
D. Wound — Matt has left the family in the past and re-enlisted.
• Matt promises he won’t re-enlist (does not yet realize that suicide could be possible for him)
• Jake keeps pestering Matt to play war games with him on the game console.
E. Physical — Matt needs a place where he can decompress.
• Matt gets away from Sara when she doesn’t listen to him (he’s trapped in her demands) there is no place near her where he can decompress.
• Matt snaps and breaks the gaming console.

Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: I could write this scene so that Sara and Matt’s different perspectives (their subtexts) are stated out loud and incorporate physical outbursts from both of them that show the family as on the edge of breaking down completely.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Characters for Horror
What I learned doing this assignment is that a group of online friends can be very similar online but very different from each other and when they get in an in-person crisis, their personalities start to stand out as a valuable part of the group.
My CONCEPT: A group of Alcatraz Island tourists discover an area not included in the tour and decide to ditch the tour and explore on their own.
The GROUP I have chosen: A group of prison buffs interested in the horrible ways prisoners have died while incarcerated. They range in age from 18-30 and just met, in person, on this trip to visit Alcatraz.

The DYING PATTERN of this movie: Pattern B, but three die and the others survive together.
• The first victim’s death seems accidental (crushed by rocks let loose by running underground water).
• The second victim’s death not, they witness the person drown while water behaves in a strange way.
• A third victim is a close call but doesn’t die; they see a Great Escapee made of water flees. This wakes the group up to what could be going on.
• The fourth victim, a third death, shows that the group must figure out how to leave, they must combat the water-ghosts to save their lives.
An IDENTITY OF EACH CHARACTER that makes up my group.
Leader: Frankie, 30, the online group leader and organizer of the group trip to visit Alcatraz. Knows everyone’s interests in the group and presses each to contribute to their self-tour.
Out of Control Know-it-all: Blake, 18, has all “the answers” for everyone. Always interrupting and correcting others.
Loner: Travis: 19, keeps to the margin, likes to observe others observing the chambers, catches the details that others miss.
Monster Bait: “Ghoulie,” 18, only uses his gamer-nickname. Awkward in real life, always in a hurry to “get” the monster first in order to “win” the game. Approaches life that way.
Historian: Cal, 22, bookworm, she actually knows folklore, rumors, and myths. Friends with Vincent and this is the first time they actually meet. They have some good chemistry.
Tag-Along/Rescuer: Jorge, overheard the group planning to go off-tour and followed them. He knows more about the Island and the water than the others who are focused on the prison.
Moral One: Harold, 22, just graduated from college, majored in Forensic Science, and about to go to the Police Academy. Interested in fixing a broken prison system.
The Carrier: Vincent, 25, has been on many tours of many prisons. Quiet, just loves traveling with others but not very chatty. Friends with Cal who he becomes protective of.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Terrifying Monster (early version)

What I learned doing this assignment is that ghosts are helpful when creating a monster that is made of water. However, the water-ghost must still make sense for the story and must be motivated by something: the trapped souls who can never leave the island. I can see that my initial story is already changing.

My monster is water that is haunted by failed escapees from Alcatraz prison and other ghosts from a shipwreck.

A few sentences on each of the following qualities of my monster:
• Their Terror: The water, and the ghosts with it, can seep through cracks and access anyone trying to hide in the underground chambers. The ghosts can shape the water to behave in violent ways. It can wrap you in water and drown you. It can freeze you or stab you with shards of ice. It can shape-shift into ropes, oars, anchors, and other objects.
• Their Mystery: None of the group knows what sets off the monster or why it wants to kill them. They must figure out how to evade it in order to stay alive. The deaths, however, align with their “favorite” prison horror stories. They figure the upper levels are safe but the water-ghosts are preventing the group from escaping the lower chambers.
• Their Fear Provoking Appearance: The water appears as dead, battered, decomposing corpses of “the great escape” escapees. Recognizing them is what helps the group figure out the first deaths are not accidents they are ghost-murders. The ghosts they don’t recognize are scarier because the group doesn’t know where they came from.
• Their Rules: The monster-ghost, as water, can wander the island shore, the damp depths of the chambers, travel through plumbing, travel through puddles, rain run-off, and fog, and trick people to approach it. The water cannot inhabit the dry parts of the prison (the tour parts). So, if you’re lucky enough to reach the dry parts before the water gets you, you can be released from the curse of the Alcatraz deep.
• Their Mythology: The water is haunted by the “Great Escape” escapees and other ghosts from a long-ago shipwreck. If they can’t escape the underground chambers and cold, harsh waters, you can’t escape them either. The men never left the island. It just so happens, they tried to launch their raft near where a long-forgotten shipwreck ran aground in storm killing all aboard and became trapped with the ghosts of that ship. The story of the invented shipwreck still needs to be created.

[Diane Keranen]

1. My name is Diane

2. I have written two feature-length scripts, drama (my specialty), two feature-length scripts are in the works, one is drama and the other is horror (just for fun), and one Hallmark-format Christmas script co-wrote with a friend.

3. What I hope to get out of this class is to learn to write for specific ends (a specific actor/actress) while maintaining or improving the quality of the script.

4. I’m working on a third career change and the most exciting one of them all: screenwriter!

[Diane Keranen]

1. My name is Diane Keranen

2. I agree to the terms of this release form

3. The entire text of the release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that the most powerful traits that my characters are trying to control and not let loose are the traits that are most likely going to allow the story to be told effectively.

CURRENT PROFILE OF THREE OF MY CHARACTERS

DESCRIPTION: Stewart is a combat-affected veteran who has found a way to avoid hurting his loved ones.
TRAITS: Stewart: Strong, Determined, Careful, Distant
SUBTEXT: Stewart uses distance from his loved ones as his way of protecting them from the harm, physical and mental, that he could inflict on them.

DESCRIPTION: Matt is returning from a third combat deployment and wants to find a way to stay home and make it work with his family.
TRAITS: Eager, Anxious, Short-tempered, Confused
SUBTEXT: Matt is unsure if he will be able to adjust to civilian life. He seeks Stewart’s help because he believes Stewart can help him figure out how to adjust.

DESCRIPTION: Claire has been patient with her husband’s distance but is ready to change that so she insists that Stewart find a way to help Matt come home.
TRAITS: Gentle, Giving, Persistent, Worried
Subtext: Claire is pushing father and son together because their estrangement can now be overcome because they now have combat-trauma in common.

REVISED PROFILE OF THREE OF MY CHARACTERS

DESCRIPTION: Stewart is a self-isolated combat veteran who has created a living situation where he can exist without harming his loved ones (his belief). He does not want to give up the distance he has created because this is his way of protecting Matt and Claire from the harm, physical and mental, that he is capable of inflicting on them (even though he doesn’t want to).
TRAITS: Strong-willed, Suspicious, Protective, Volatile
SUBTEXT: Stewart does not think he can help Matt (or anyone) and will only make things worse if he does try to help.

DESCRIPTION: Matt is a returning combat veteran who has been unable to cope with society and family, even confronting his estranged father, whatever the cost, to finally know where and if he can “reintegrate” as his combat-trauma self.
TRAITS: Personable, Anxious, Over-reactive, Angry
SUBTEXT: Matt is unsure if he will be able to adjust to civilian life but if he overcomes his resentment of his father, he hopes Stewart can help him figure out how to live in a world where he feels he doesn’t belong.

DESCRIPTION: Claire has been patient with her husband’s distancing himself, until now, she is ready to end their living-apart arrangement and insists that Stewart find a way to help Matt return from combat so they can end their estrangement and Matt doesn’t follow Stewart’s pattern of isolation.
TRAITS: Easygoing, Restless, Daring, Blunt
Subtext: Claire is willing to risk it all to bring her family together.

[Diane Keranen]

“The Menu” film’s Horror Conventions
What I learned doing this assignment is that a horror film doesn’t need to be just about blood and gore. The film can also be terrifying in that it makes us look at our own “bad” behaviors that can flip the switch of a borderline psychopath into a full-blown killer who believes they are justified.
Conventions I’ve noted:
• Title / Concept: I selected the film, “The Menu.” A group of famous foodies, critics, and expert food reviewers are invited to a secluded island to experience a phenom-chef’s masterpiece dinner menu as he serves dishes of revenge.
• Terrorize The Characters: Slowik’s sharp clap of his hands as his sous-chef’s stand to attention kicks off an unusual event. The clap seems increasingly harsh with each course. A host with passive-aggressive replies keeps the guests in line. The chef’s storytelling adds a twist of words to say one thing/mean another deadly thing. Each course intensifies in oddity. Tortilllas are used as a “canvas” of sorts to reveal to the guests that their own indiscretions and crimes are discovered. With the guests primed to feel uneasy with their private matters revealed, the first death occurs. Jeremy, a sous chef, is the first to die. He shoots himself in front of everyone to become the “next dish” of the night titled, “The Mess”. Guests are shocked, some think it theatrics, but another guest’s finger is chopped off for all to witness. They learn that everyone here will die tonight. They are all ingredients in the chef’s story of revenge. Everyone here will die tonight. Margo is an uninvited guest brought by Tyler. She figures out Slowik’s madness and the cult-like servitude of the island’s employees and confronts him with his early love of cooking. She is allowed to leave and is the only survivor of the night.
• Isolation: Hawthorn Island – guests are dropped off on the secluded island to dine at an exclusive restaurant where the head chef is Julian Slowik.
• Death: Jeremy is the first to die by suicide in front of everyone. The second victim, an adulterous husband, has a finger chopped off in front of everyone. The second death is the owner of the island and restaurant as the guests watch him be drowned. The next “course” is sous chef Katherine who stabs Slowik in the leg for unwanted advances. He too is a victim of the night. Guests are permitted to try and escape, but none do. The last course of the night is s’mores where the remaining guests are covered with mass produced graham crackers, cheap chocolate, and store-bought marshmallows. All are set aflame to die.
• Monster/Villain: Chef Slowik; Tyler is revealed as a co-conspirator. Slowik, impressed by Tyler’s food knowledge, says he belongs in the kitchen and tells him to cook, but he can’t cook and messes up miserably with a dish titled “Tyler’s Bullshit.”
• High Tension: The plan starts to unravel when Margo tries to find a way out. She encounters Elsa, the hostess, “I take care of the guests so Chef can take care of the menu,” and “take care of” has deadly meaning. Elsa tries to kill Margo but is killed instead. Margo, having discovered Slowik’s early love of cooking, figures out how to upend Slowik. She resists his psychopathic rage and dares to fight back by reminding of how he first started, making cheeseburgers and a cheap restaurant. Margo sends his food back. Will this work? Or, will she be killed? She’s not a planned guest? Can she survive this night? She’s tells Slowik that she’s still hungry and wants a cheeseburger (like the one in the picture she saw earlier). He enjoys the making of the cheap cheeseburger. He’s reminded of his love of cooking and rewards her by letting her go.
• Departure from Reality: Chef Slowik has become psychopathic in his desire for revenge. The island’s and restaurant’s employees are cult-level committed to Slowik. The murders and violence are acceptable and they are part of it.
• Moral Statement: What happens to an artist when they lose their purpose? What happens when you destroy the thing you love for fame? Answer: You turn into a psychopath to get revenge!

Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film? This is an elevated horror film. There’s a high level of metaphor showing how Chef Slowik is carrying out his psychotic dinner menu. It’s beautifully done.

Conventions for my story:
• Concept: A group of history-of-prison-torture buffs go on a tour of Alcatraz prison’s “dungeons” but when they discover the crumbling entrance to a forgotten series of chambers beneath the prison, they sneak out of the tour to explore further only to face their own executions orchestrated by a secret killer in their midst.
• Terrorize The Characters: The location is dark and spooky. The chambers suggest horrible suffering. When one of them “accidentally” becomes trapped in a device that seems to be haunted and barely escapes it before it kills him, he leaves the group and the chambers. He goes on to be the one who terrorizes the others so they truly realize the extent of terror that their favorite tortures evoked.
• Isolation: 1 ) Alcatraz Island. 2) The deepest parts of the prison, the dungeons,” on the island. 3) The chambers beneath the regular tours. 4) They are alone on the island.
• Death: In exploring the chambers and torture devices, one of the group dies after getting trapped in a “malfunctioning” device. Conflicted by some wanting to leave to get help and others noting that there is no help to be had, they discover they have lost the exit. They can only hope to find a new way out. As they search, others become tortured-to-death victims.
• Monster/Villain: The first “victim” is a psychopath who wants to kill the others due to a their having laughs over torture. They also want the deaths to appear as if ghosts of the only men who might have escaped the prison are doing it. They could be a relative of one of the escapees (who, it turns out did not get away but died and are now haunting the prison depths).
• High Tension: The devices seem haunted. The group tries to rely on their knowledge to escape unharmed, but it doesn’t work. They can’t escape the chambers and must seek another way out which requires them to encounter more danger, more devices, and must rely on their knowledge of prison history in order to save themselves.
• Departure from Reality: Extreme location, there are no actual torture chambers beneath the known prison. If there were, they would likely be flooded. Ghosts and paranormal happenings.
• Moral Statement: Torture, physical and mental, is deadly and not as entertianing as torturers, bullies included, believe it is.

[Diane Keranen]

My name is Diane.

I have written three spec screenplays and have one in the works.

From this class, I want to understand the horror genre beyond the surface understanding I currently have.

Something strange about me? Hmmm. I’m not a horror writer even though I’m taking this class. My specialty is drama, but the more I learn about the conventions of other genres, the more each genre stands out from the others.

[Diane Keranen]

1. I am Diane Keranen
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. The entire text of the release is below:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Nick, an undercover detective, is hired to find out who is the secret bodyguard for Loyal Thunder who is about to run for the Triple Crown. Pretending to be a photographer, he discovers the wealthy Ella is the saboteur and her husband is a con man. Nick tricks John into revealing the bodyguard and proceeds to uncover John and Ella as they plot against each other.

ESSENCE: Nick uncovers a plot to sabotage the Belmont Stakes, Triple Crown race.

SCENE:

EXT. BELMONT STAKES PADDOCK AREA – DAY

NICK, 38, rugged good looks, is shown an envelope, fat with cash, by a woman, ELLA, 28, who secretively points to another man. Ella whispers to Nick.

ELLA
Get me the information on the guard and this is yours.

NICK
I want to see it.

She pulls the envelope to the top edge of her bag and lifts the flap. He sees the cash and also catches a glimpse of a syringe filled with white fluid. He nods.

NICK
For twenty-grand, no problem.

Nick is decked out as a photographer. He carries high quality cameras and fake credentials on a lanyard.

ELLA
Nice job on the credentials. They look real. That’s good. He’ll notice anything if it’s off even a little bit.

NICK
I’ve got very good connections.

He turns to leave, but she stops him.

ELLA
Nothing slips by him. He’s good. You have to be better. You wouldn’t believe what he did to get me to marry him. I need that horse to lose this race. I need to know who is guarding it.

Nick nods. He walks toward the paddock and approaches the man Ella pointed out. The man is JOHN, 35, Ella’s husband.

John glances around for his wife. Can’t find her. Nick approaches. John gives him a quick glance to size him up.

NICK
This the Triple Crown contender?

JOHN
Who wants to know?

NICK
I do. I don’t know about horses. I just take pictures.

John looks his way just long enough to glance at the credential Nick holds up for him to see.

JOHN
Who do you work for? That cheap magazine that keeps trashing my horse?

NICK
Oh, no, a, private party. An, uh…

He pretends to look read from the screen of his phone.

NICK
An Ella Grant, hired me.

JOHN
Ella? My wife?

John takes in Nick’s good looks and physical perfection.

JOHN
What’d she hire you to do? I don’t like strangers getting into her business. She’s not got the savvy that provides her the right protection. Watch yourself. I won’t tolerate any missteps around her. You catch my drift?

Nick notes the odd question but it’s just what he wanted. He smiles.

NICK
Personal photographs of the race and the horse. For posterity.

JOHN
Look. I’m busy here. I don’t have time for idle banter. Take whatever pictures you want, but stay away from the stable.

NICK
Oh, yeah, of course. I respect your boundaries. This is a truly high stakes race. Am I right? Triple Crown. Not every day does that happen. I don’t blame you keeping a close eye on the horse. That’s a treasure standing there.

JOHN
You got that right.

NICK
If I were you, I’d be watching real close that no one messed with my horse.

John looks at him with suspicion and appreciation.

NICK
What I mean is, that’s just me. People aren’t easy to trust these days.

JOHN
Well. No worries there. I’ve got more than one set of eyes on Loyal Thunder. Even my trainer is wired with a camera. Keeps everyone on the up and up.

NICK
Cameras. That’s brilliant. Sort of.

JOHN
What do you mean?

NICK
Well, cameras are good, but you don’t see the footage until after something happens. Does your trainer let you know when something is, well, suspicious?

John smiles.

JOHN
No worries there. He doesn’t know he’s wired.

John taps his sunglasses. Nick looks closer.

JOHN
Not prescription glasses. Streaming video straight to here. Technology is an amazing thing. If I see anything out of the ordinary on this lens, I check the video on my phone.

NICK
Brilliant! I’m impressed. So, you don’t have to rely on anyone but yourself to keep your horse safe. And who better to trust than yourself. Am I right?

JOHN
You got it pal.

Having discovered the secret bodyguard, Nick has earned his money. He turns to leave just as Ella approaches. John puts his arm around her but she’s stiff and uneasy with it.

JOHN
Nervous?

ELLA
A little. Yes.

She looks at Nick questioningly. He nods. She smiles.

ELLA
And who is this? A friend? I don’t get a chance to meet many of John’s friends. I’m Ella. John’s wife.

John gives Ella a surprised glance.

JOHN
He’s your photographer. The one you hired.

Nick smiles an odd, but easy smile.

ELLA
Oh. I’m sorry. We only talked on the phone. Good to meet you in person Mr…

NICK
Just Nick. Likewise, ma’am.

Nick and Ella keep their distance from each other and give John any reason to suspect them.

JOHN
He’s been concerned over security of Loyal Thunder.

NICK
Oh, I don’t know about that. Just curious, really. Looks like your husband has it all under his control though. So, no need to wonder about anybody causing trouble on that front.

John scans the stable and Nick nods a quick tip of the head to indicate that John is the secret bodyguard. He mouths to her, “cameras” and “watching” as he points to where glasses would be on his face.

She’s surprised. When he turns back, John eyes Ella with suspicion. Nick saves her from John’s gaze and starts to play at Ella hiring him to photograph this special, potentially once-in-a-lifetime event, and requests his payment up front.

Ella hands him the envelope and Nick takes a few photos, clearly not an expert photographer.

NICK
It looks my work here is done.

He congratulates John on his presumptive win, then takes the envelope and his leave.

John grabs Nick’s arm.

JOHN
What in the hell is going on here? What’s in the envelope.

NICK
Evidence.

Nick waves over a police officer.

NICK
Take her bag as evidence and, here, this too. Payment.

John again puts an arm around her. Far too tight. She squirms against it. He wraps his other arm around her, grabs her wrists and puts them behind her for the officer to put her in cuffs.

JOHN
You’re not getting anywhere near Loyal Thunder, my dear. I had a gut-feeling to watch my horse closely.

ELLA
You mean MY horse.

JOHN
Keep telling yourself that. If it’s a divorce you want, I’ll give you one helluva fight to see you don’t a dime…

Ella cuts him off.

ELLA
Every penny of that is mine. You’re nothing but a grifter. It’s you who won’t see a dime.

John and Ella grit through their teeth…

JOHN &amp; ELLA
(in unison)
I’m calling my lawyer.

Nick, now wearing gloves, takes the syringe from Ella’s bag.

NICK
Be sure to test this. It was meant to take a good horse down.
(to Ella)
Not on my watch.
(to John and Ella)
Good luck in divorce court.

[Diane Keranen]

My post above does not belong here in QE Cycle 2. Ignore it. It’s just the revised writing from the previous QE Cycle 1. The edit button is missing otherwise I would have deleted it. 🙁

[Diane Keranen]

QUALITY ELEVATION CYCLE #1

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

TRENT, 18, football quarterback and school hero, steps down off the steps of the travel coach with the team’s winning raised over his head.

The sidewalk is crowded with school-color painted faces, school-spirit clothes, and confetti flies over students and community members. Phones are up taking pics and vids.

Teammates pick Trent up to cheers of the crowd. They set him down. Trent spies his tagalong, ROBERT, 17, buzz-cut, a head shorter than Trent, and a good 50 pounds overweight.

He also notices lead cheerleader, Ronna, with her squad enter the school not far from Robert. Coach reached for the trophy to take it from Trent.

Trent grips it tighter, raises his and Coach’s arm so more pics can be taken of him.

TRENT
Hurray! Cougars!!!

Coach subtly pries the trophy from Trent and passes it to other teammates.

Trent walks through the crowd toward Robert.

The unpopular students clear out of the way. They know who they are. If they don’t move Trent shoves them aside.
A kid about 10 grabs the sleeve of Trent’s letter jacket and pulls him aside for a photo. Trent pulls away.

TRENT
Watch the jacket kid.

Trent shoos the frustrated kid away and fixes his sleeve where the kid pulled on it and brushes the confetti off of his hair and jacket.

The chatter among the high-school kids is all about getting rides to the bonfire party and how late they can stay out. Rides are arranged.

And plenty of praise for Trent for taking the team to a championship. He turns once more to accept the honors and bestows a blessing upon his supporters.

At the edge of the crowd, Trent reaches Robert.

TRENT
There she is Robert. Do it.

Robert looks in the direction Trent indicated and sees Ronna and the squad just inside the school doors.

ROBERT
I figured you would. Bein’ you’re the hero of the night and all. Look at her. She’s so pretty.

TRENT
C’mon man. Every time I set you up, you drop the ball. It’s time to be a champ.

ROBERT
But look at her. Look at me. Sure, I’m a ton of fun, but she’s… stylish and pretty. I couldn’t be those things if I tried. I’ll just go with my regular friends.

TRENT
Stay here.

Trent walks through the school doors and up to Ronna.

Trent whispers to her. She looks at Robert, smiles, and gives a weird wave.

Her smile fades as she pulls at Trent’s fingers wrapped around her arm. He leans in closer to her and points his finger first at her and then back to him. Then gives her arm a shake before letting go.

Robert worries aloud to himself.

ROBERT
Now what’s he up to?

Trent turns from Ronna to return to Robert. She sneers at him as he walks away.

TRENT
Okay. You’re all set. No one has asked her to the bonfire yet.

ROBERT
What did you say to her?

TRENT
Go, she’s waiting for you. Ask her out.

ROBERT
Everyone likes the fat kid. Until he asks you out. No way.

TRENT
Look, she almost came out and said as much. C’mon, just stand up straight. Shoulders back. Walk like you mean it. And tuck in for Christ-sake. I set these things up to build you up you dope.

Trent straightens Robert’s shirt and motions for him to tuck it in.

TRENT
Go. Impress me. You want in on the popular team, you gotta perform. I won’t hang out with a loser. Go get her.

Robert, now a bit tidied up and rattled at the same time walks through the door and approaches Ronna.

Trent endures picture takers and keeps an eye on Robert.

Robert’s talking to Ronna for longer than Trent likes. He watches the conversation. He worries aloud to himself.

TRENT
What’s taking so long?

The girl puts her hand on Robert’s arm and she nods. They all share a laugh as Ronna and her squad walk away.

Trent walks into the school.

INT. SCHOOL ENTRYWAY – DAY

ROBERT
(to Ronna)
Seven-thirty!

She turns and motions that she’s adding the date into her phone.

Trent abruptly walks toward Robert.

He approaches Robert.

TRENT
A word.
He pushes Robert toward an empty hallway then grabs Robert’s arm and pushes him into an empty classroom.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Robert closes the door. He turns to Trent and OOOF! Robert is gut-punched and doubles over.

Robert can’t catch his breath. He wheezes the tormented groans of his diaphragm shocked to paralysis. Robert can only mouth “What the fuck!”

TRENT
What did you say to her?

He shoves Robert into a desk. Robert reaches to get hold onto something to say on his feet. Trent shoves Robert’s backside with a foot and sends him grappling for balance and some sort of hand hold.

TRENT
She was supposed to shut you down. Laugh at your ass. Do not tell me she’s going with you!

Robert wheezes out a reply.

ROBERT
I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

TRENT
“Until you ask them out.” That’s what you said. That’s what you said!

Robert finally has a working diaphragm and smiles.

ROBERT
I didn’t ask her out. I implied that if, I said “if,” she saw you with your cousin this morning that maybe she was your new girlfriend. I told her she and her friends were too pretty to ride in just anything to the bonfire. I then offered them all a ride to and from the party. In my dad’s new Mercedes G 550.

TRENT
New girlfr…

He catches himself.

TRENT
Your dad has a new Mercedes G 550?

ROBERT
No, but, like you, she doesn’t know that, you jock-head.

Robert smiles.

ROBERT
I get to go with all of the cheerleaders. Me. The fat kid. I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

Robert turns to leave.

TRENT
It’s not a real date. And you lied.

ROBERT
It doesn’t matter. It still looks like a date. And I already asked my uncle to give me and some friends a ride in his limo. She’ll not care it’s not a Mercedes.

TRENT
You son-of-a-bitch.

ROBERT
I don’t know how you’re getting there. Maybe with your new girlfriend.

Trent punches Robert in the jaw. It’s lights out for Robert. On his way out of the room, Trent rages.

TRENT
She was supposed to go with me! I’m the hero of the night!

[Diane Keranen]

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

TRENT (18), football quarterback and school champion, struts down the middle of the hallway in his letter jacket. The unpopular students clear the way. They know who they are. A wannabe high-school strongman tags along in his wake.

The kids are excited to get out of school. The chatter is all about getting rides to the bonfire party and how late they can stay out.

TRENT
There she is Robert. Do it.

ROBERT (17), buzz-cut hair, a head shorter than Trent, and a good 50 pounds overweight, looks to see the head cheerleader walking their way.

ROBERT
I figured you would. Bein’ you’re the hero of the night and all.

TRENT
Have I ever steered you wrong, my friend?

The look on Robert’s face suggests he has.

ROBERT
But look at her. Look at me. Sure, I’m a ton of fun, but she’s … she’s stylish and pretty. I couldn’t be those things if I tried.

TRENT
Fine. Leave it to me.

Trent and the cheerleader come face to face and stop to chat. Robert and the third wannabe continue on but stop and turn to watch just out of hearing distance.

Trent whispers to the girl. She looks at Robert and smiles. But is it at Robert or at what Trent is saying to her? Can’t tell.

Trent and the girl continue on in their original directions.

Trent closes in on Robert and whispers to him.

TRENT
Okay. I warmed her up for you. No one has asked her to the bonfire yet. I think she actually likes you.

ROBERT
Everyone likes the fat kid. Until he asks you out. No way.

TRENT
Look, she almost came out and said as much. C’mon, just stand up straight. Shoulders back. Walk like you mean it. And tuck in for Christ-sake.

Trent straightens Robert’s shirt and motions for him to tuck it in.

TRENT
Go. Impress me. You want in on the popular team, you gotta perform. I can’t hang out with a loser. Go get her.

Robert, now a bit tidied up. Takes a tentative step to follow the cheerleader who has stopped to chat with a fellow cheerer.

Trent urges him on as he himself takes cover behind a group of students at their lockers so he can watch the disaster unfold.

Robert stands back a few steps from the cheerleader until her friends walk off. Then he makes his move.

Trent watches as Robert approaches the girl. Robert talks to her and, to Trent’s surprise, she listens. He watches the conversation which goes back and forth for far longer than he expected.

The girl puts her hand on Robert’s arm and, by God! She nods and they share a laugh as she walks away.

ROBERT
Seven-thirty!

She turns and nods and motions with her phone. She actually added him to her schedule!

Trent abruptly walks toward Robert and bumps the student group he was hiding behind.

He approaches Robert.

TRENT

A word.

He motions down the emptying hallway. Robert follows Trent into an empty classroom.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Robert closes the door. He turns to Trent and OOOF! Robert is gut punched and doubles over.

Robert can’t catch his breath. He wheezes the tormented groans of his diaphragm shocked to paralysis. Robert can only mouth “What the fuck!”

TRENT
What did you say to her?

He shoves Robert into a desk. Robert reaches to get hold onto something to say on his feet. Trent shoves Robert’s backside with a foot and sends him grappling for balance and some sort of hand hold.

TRENT
She was supposed to shut you down. Laugh at your ass. Do not tell me she’s going with you!

Robert wheezes out a reply.

ROBERT
I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

TRENT
“Until you ask them out.” That’s what you said. That’s what you said!

Robert, finally getting his diaphragm working properly again, smiles.

ROBERT
I didn’t ask her out. I implied that the cousin she saw you with this morning was your new love interest. I then offered her a ride to and from the party. Her and her friends. In my dad’s new Mercedes.

TRENT
A new love int…

He catches himself.

TRENT
Your dad has a new Mercedes?

ROBERT
No, but, like you, she doesn’t know that.

Robert smiles. I still got a date with the lead cheerleader. Me. The fat kid. I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

ROBERT
So, it really doesn’t matter. It still looks like I asked her out and she agreed. I already got my uncle to agree to give us a ride in his limo. She’ll not care it’s not a Mercedes.

TRENT
You son-of-a-bitch.

Trent punches Robert in the jaw. It’s lights out for Robert. On his way out of the room, Trent rages.

TRENT
She was supposed to go with me! I’m the hero of the night!

[Diane Keranen]

I deleted my post from here because I got a bit mixed up on what writing goes where. I re-posted the Lesson 5 initial draft of the QE Process to Lesson 5 forum. I’ll post my revised version, after watching the critique videos to the Exchange Critiques on Cycle 1 Scenes when I have it ready.

My apologies for getting behind on the lessons. I think I can keep pace starting today.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Marketing Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is that with some focused attention to reaching out, I can begin to build relationships with producers even if just to get on their radar for now that I can follow up with later on. Also, that I can absolutely do this!

1. Write your email request for writing assignments in your own words.

Subject line: Interest in your next drama

Hi [producer name],
I’ve been looking at your drama movies and drama is my specialty. I am available to do writing assignments to help develop ideas that are stuck, write treatments to help with funding, rewrite existing screenplays to completion, and, of course, to do the writing needed to move your own ideas and projects forward.
I’m happy to send you a writing sample to see the quality of my drama writing.
Let me know if you would like to see my work and if there’s a project that could use a new writer brought on board.

Thanks in advance,
Diane Keranen
[my phone number]
[my email]
[link to my LinkedIn profile]

2. Create a plan for marketing yourself. Give us the first three things you are going to do when you are ready to start marketing.
First: Revisit my writing sample and make sure they are as great as I can make them.
Second: Develop a strong query letter from the draft I’ve started above.
Third: Reach out and meet producers online to work on getting recommendations.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is that no matter what level of value I’m at, there’s always something that can be done to increase my value to producers.

1. My specialty is the drama genre. I have three feature-length screenplays in the works. Two are finished but undergoing analysis for possible rewrites to elevate the dramatic quality of the characters and story and one is still in progress. I have also written a short story adaptation and another short.

2. As of this morning, I have 41 producers in my LinkedIn Network. At the start of this class, I had none.

3. My plan for increasing my perceived value is as follows:
— Today: Continue building my LinkedIn network to add producers.
— In the next 30 days: Complete at least two more writing samples. I have a 10-page sample ready to go from one of my spec scripts, but I would like to have treatments and/or writing samples of my other two scripts ready to go as well.
— In the next 45 days: I want to get my rewriting done on my two finished screenplays so they are ready to submit to contests.
— In the next 6 months: I want to have deals happening.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane is a Note Taking Professional!
What I learned is that the initial idea could go in so many directions. A producer who knows their audience and is working to get the movie made but needs to satisfy what the market calls for, I’m happy to learn that I can see different ways to write the original seeds of an idea into a project that grows with every additional collaborator.

Logline: A young street artist finds herself in continual trouble with the law over vandalism, but when she discovers a she has a great female artist in her family history dating back to the Old Masters, she goes on a historical journey that turns her ideas of art in-side-out as she discovers her own vibrant place in the world of art and artists.

Tell us how you would honor each of the following requests:

• Cut the budget in half.
My budget is around $15 million but I need to bring it down to $7.5 million. I could move the New York Police Station scene to a tense interaction between the protagonist and her parents on the drive home. I could focus her discovery of her “real” artist to a suburban location rather than NY City and have only the parts of her journey to discover of who she is as an artist happen at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s research library. The art gallery set for Weston could be eliminated and instead shown on promotional materials and news articles. The art could be done by talented but as-of-yet unknown street artists.

• Write it for a different audience (quadrant).
Instead of writing for women under 25 as an inspirational story of overcoming obstacles to becoming your most genuine self, I could write to the mentor generation of women 25-50 who are raising daughters who are unconventional in their hopes and dreams.

• Double the conflict.
By writing the story from the perspective of the protagonist (street artist) in jail or doing community service to get off probation she could encounter actual street vandals that threaten her for infringing on their territory.

• Change the sex and age of the lead character.
Instead of a young, White, female protagonist, a young, Black, male protagonist. Wow, that would change things in very interesting ways.

• Change the genre.
Currently, this screenplay is a drama with a protagonist who has something to say about social conditions. I could change the genre to thriller and make the street art as clues to solving cold case murders. Ooooo. How fun would it be to make this change?

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is that the first impulse of what a scene should be is not necessarily the only or even the best way to write it. By responding to changing parameters to write within, I need to discover more about what is most important about the scene and keep or even elevate the essence of that scene in whatever parameters develop.

1. Ways I can decrease the budget:
MAIN VARIABLES
• Number of Locations: : Eliminate a location of a complete art gallery & show.
• Expensive locations: : The story is set in New York City with graffiti being applied by the protagonist to city buildings and even city monuments. The story could take place in a smaller town within easy travel to New York City but the protagonist could travel to the city for the elements that require the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
• Number of characters:
• Special effects:
• Number of pages: : Limit the page count to 90 for the scriptwriter.
• Crowd scenes:
• Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes:
• Special sets: Rather than purchase the rights to a gallery show and create the artwork he has on display; this protagonist could brag about his show and show the antagonist the flyers and newspaper stories that promote the show and him.

SECONDARY VARIABLES
• Rights to music, brands, books, etc.: : Use talented but unknown street artists to do the art for the protagonist instead of big-reputation street artists.
• Explosions and Firearms:
• Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set:
• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society:
• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados:
• Water and underwater scenes:
• Night scenes: reduce to one-night scene and shoot the competition piece at an inside location instead.
• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots:
• Green screen work:
• Extensive Make-up:
• Archival Footage:
• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance:

2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.

1. Tell us about the high budget item in your script that you are letting go of: I could let go of a large-scale graffiti art piece on a building in New York City and move it to a marginalized, neglected, and/or less financially robust area, maybe a where the message of the artist could be relevant to the population there rather than to create her significant work where it will soon be irrelevant and then destroyed.
2. Ask, “What is the dramatic goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”: The dramatic goal is to show the protagonist’s artistic ability as an artist rather than a vandal.
3. Ask, “How can I accomplish the dramatic goal without the expense?”: By moving the scene to a less costly location, outside of busy New York streets, perhaps to an urban brownfield space, but near enough to be seen by those whom the message of the art is meant. The relevance to the audience of the art could be elevated as well.

[Diane Keranen]

Title: Last Call (Rewrite)

Genre: Thriller

Concept: Mafia enforcer Rob is desperate to get back in the good graces of his power-hungry boss after botching an important job and agrees to do the most important job of his life: one that tests his loyalty to the boss and his ability to stay alive.

Treatment:
Rob is a fierce by-the-numbers mafia enforcer. He and his equally capable associate Alicia botch an interrogation of a cocky underboss of a recent deal-gone-wrong which leaves two competing mob organizations under threat. One organization is run by Rob’s long-time boss Irene, a domineering woman intent on moving up in the mafia hierarchy. The other is run by Fedorov, a powerful adversary in Irene’s path to advancement.

In the botched job, Rob and Alicia question Antonio. When Antonio gets suspicious, the situation explodes and Rob advertently kills him. Irene watches all this via a live stream feed from her home office and is furious. Rob and Alicia, on their way to answer to Irene, are at odds over the killing of Antonio. Alicia is angry and worried about how Irene will deal with them. Even so, they have a sexual chemistry they both recognize and toy with. Alicia calms herself with a cigarette she lights with a unique jade lighter.

Irene suspends Rob and sends him away. Alicia learns from Irene that she practically raised Rob and she’ll deal with his punishment in due time and in a manner that will be for his own good. Alicia, on the other hand, will face her own punishment.

Irene wants Rob to prove his mettle and his loyalty to her and after discovering that bar owner Eddie, has not been paying his protection money, she wants this headstrong underling, and his protégé, Blake, brought back in line. When Zack, Rob’s next-in-line, who desperately want Rob’s old job, and Lane are not up to the task, Irene decides Rob should be the one to resolve the situation. She calls him. He’s been utterly lost without his enforcer job so he accepts her offer for a step toward redemption to go to Eddie’s bar and put a bullet in his leg to motivate him to pay up. This test is simple enough. No sweat.
Just as Rob is about to shoot Eddie, he gets an urgent call from Irene. Eddie might be an FBI informant and a grave threat to the organization. Rob has to hold Eddie at the bar while Irene presses her lieutenants for some clarity. Rob’s gladly takes this easy job to please Irene.

Irene has only suspicions and patchy information so she calls Rob to tell him she’s going to send people to the bar who could shed light on the rumors. Rob needs to find out what these people know. Is Eddie an FBI rat or not? If he is, Rob must find out who the feds are after and everything Eddie knows. If he’s not a rat, Rob must kill him.

Rob’s test to get back in Irene’s good graces suddenly intensifies.

Eddie takes the opportunity to toy with Rob psychologically. Rob threatens him with a cold, hard reminder that Eddie doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Eddie isn’t intimidated.

The first lead sent over is a low-level FBI admin agent, Marvin, who is addicted on Irene’s dope. Rob’s interrogation uncovers no connection so Rob lets him go.

The next lead is Curtis. A trickster and freelance dope-runner, he’s the guy everybody knows, nobody likes, but everybody goes to for drug-related business. Irene tells Rob that she thinks Curtis started the rumor about Eddie or he knows who did. And, if it’s true. Irene listens in on a concealed speaker phone. Curtis is difficult, Rob beats him. Curtis fears death and reveals that Irene has been blacklisted by rival boss Fedorov over the failed Wilkes deal. Confused by this talk about Wilkes and not Eddie, Rob wants to continue the interrogation, but Irene instructs Rob to let him go. A conflicted Rob complies with Irene’s demands and lets Curtis go.

Eddie taunts Rob over his enforcer tactics. Rob is distracted behind the bar and seems to search for something. Eddie presses further telling him he’s an attack dog, not a man. Rob loses his temper, grabs Eddie by the throat, and shoves him into a shelf. Here he sees it – a camera like the one at the Antonio interrogation. Irene is watching. She’s testing him. Rob lets Eddie go.

In her office, a determined, satisfied Irene requests a meeting with Fedorov. Irene, with Zack and Lane as bodyguards, meets with Miles, Fedorov’s most trusted lieutenant. Irene shows Miles a phone video and he motions for them to come with him.

Irene and her henchmen ride with Miles to meet with Fedorov to settle this mess.

Rob sits at the bar while Eddie slips behind it and reaches under it. BANG! Rob fires a shot at him because Eddie was going for the shotgun Rob noticed earlier. A furious Rob binds and gags Eddie. He turns to find Blake pointing a gun at him. Blake orders Rob to untie Eddie, and a standoff ensues. Irene checks on Rob and watches the deadlocked men on her phone. She’s torn. She wants to intervene but it’s too late to cancel the Fedorov meeting. Rob needs to handle this one on his own.
Eddie pours a drink for himself and Blake. He demands Blake drop it. He has no business getting in the middle of this. Blake objects but gets dizzy and passes out. Eddie drugged him.

Irene approaches Fedorov’s meeting place and calls Rob to say she’s sending some thugs to take care of Blake. She makes a brief call, then is escorted to Fedorov by Miles.

Irene tells Fedorov that she didn’t set him up and gives him the low-down of what she knows. Fedorov listens only half-heartedly. Irene explains that a dealer named Wilkes showed up in town out of nowhere with a lot of high-quality dope. She says that Wilkes was working with Curtis to set up Fedorov and bring the full force of the FBI down on him to crush his organization. If Fedorov is suspicious of her as the one who set him up, she tells him he’s mistaken. Irene shows Fedorov ta video of Rob beating Curtis as proof. They need to find Curtis.

Fedorov, convinced by Irene’s evidence, sends Miles to go with her to track down Curtis.

Eddie pleads with Rob that no one should harm Blake. When Irene’s men arrive, Eddie braces to sacrifice himself, but is surprised when Rob smashes Irene’s camera and protects Blake then sends the men away due to a change in plans. Eddie congratulates Rob for his actions.

Irene exits the Fedorov meeting and checks her phone to find her cam offline. She’s furious.

Rob and Eddie form an alliance. Someone bangs on the door. It’s Curtis. He says Irene sent him, but he makes a move and tries to kill Rob but Rob kills him instead. He and Eddie hide Curtis’s body in the cellar. Eddie tells Rob that it looks like he’s the one being set up. Rob checks Curtis’s phone and finds a text that looks like Irene telling Curtis to go to the bar and kill Rob.

Irene has Miles drive to Eddie’s bar because she got info that Curtis was seen going there.

Rob gets an unexpected text from Alicia who has ghosted him since he was suspended. Alicia forwards him a voicemail from Irene. The voicemail says it was Curtis that got Irene blacklisted by Fedorov. Irene sent him to the bar to lead Fedorov’s guys there. Irene says she needs Rob to kill Curtis before he did something to ruin whatever deal she made with Fedorov, and it had to look like self-defense in case Eddie turns out to be FBI. Irene says she did it to protect Rob but feels terrible that she may have ordered Rob’s death.

The message from Alecia prompts Rob to call Irene to clear things up. Irene cuts him off and tells him she is coming to the bar with Fedorov and their men. She says Miles can positively ID Eddie as a fed or not. Irene hangs up.

Rob straight-up asks Eddie if he’s a fed informant, which makes Eddie laugh. No way.

Rob contemplates his options. He wants Eddie to leave, but he won’t. Rob pleads with Eddie saying Irene will kill him when she arrives and Miles says he’s not a fed. But, it’s too late. Irene and company arrive at the bar. Eddie moves to confront Irene but Rob knocks him out with his pistol as Irene and the guys walk in. They find Rob standing over Eddie and assume he’s dead. Rob plays along. Before Rob can explain, the enforcers discover that Eddie is alive. They put both Eddie and Rob on their knees, as prisoners.

Irene tells Miles that Eddie is the one who set up the Wilkes deal. He knew Wilkes was an informant and wanted to take over the city’s drug trade.

Her next words shock Rob. Irene says Rob was in on it. He is stunned to silence.

Irene says her long-loyal enforcer betrayed her then killed Antonio to cover up Eddie’s plan. She has video evidence of the two of them scheming with Marvin the FBI agent and they’ve probably killed Curtis. Eddie defends him but she strikes him and shuts him up.

Irene orders her new enforcers to kill both Eddie and Rob.

She smugly lights a cigarette as her men approach the doomed men as if she had a plan near to completion. She has Alicia’s jade lighter. Rob puts the events of today together and whole plan comes clear to him as he realizes that he hadn’t heard from Alicia until today because Irene had killed her after the Antonio job. The message earlier was from Irene using Alicia’s phone.

Rob fights to escape and wrestles Zack toward and behind the bar where he has rigged Eddie’s shotgun as a “spring-gun.” He sets it off, wounding Irene and starting a gunfight.

With everyone dead but Rob, Eddie, Miles, and a wounded Irene, Rob gives everyone’s phones to Miles, telling him he’ll find all the evidence he needs of Irene’s elaborate setup to take down Fedorov and claim his power. As Miles leaves, he tells Rob that he’s safe from Fedorov’s men.

Rob doesn’t seem to care. The years of being played by Irene so she could use him to get more power sinks in. Rob stands over a bleeding Irene and asks how she could do this to him. Instead, she turns it around and says he’s the one who betrayed her. He’s the disloyal traitor. He should have been happy to die for her. Her pursuit of power, he sees now, was at everyone’s expense.

When she called him to do this redemption job, she knew she was calling him to die for her. He now sees that she’s been using him all along. Rob decides that this would be her last call to him to do her bidding. He takes his time to aim his gun. Give her time to recognize her powerlessness. He shoots her dead.

A once-again lost Rob stares at his pistol. Should he end it for himself too? Eddie steps in. Rob doesn’t know what he’ll do now, but Eddie tells him that for the first time, what he does is finally up to him.

[Diane Keranen]

Title: Diane’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I was doing the exact opposite for the inciting incident that I needed to do. While the incitement was clear to me as the writer who knows what is behind the interaction between these three characters, the audience needs to see it. The interest techniques help the scene move more quickly than before and more potently than before.

Scene: bottom of 16 – 19

Logline: Claire facilitates Matt’s mission to reunite with his estranged father to overcome combat trauma which Stewart resists for fear of what he sees as another opportunity to fail his son.

The essence of the scene: Matt and Stewart had a very troubled, sometimes violent father/son relationship. Claire believes they can reunite because they have something in common now that they didn’t before: combat trauma. Matt never understood why his father was so distant but he does now and uses Claire to clear the way for the two men to face their shared history.

Interest techniques used: Intrigue, Surprise, Character changes radically, and Uncertainty.

INT. MATT’S PICK-UP – DAY

He’s in a fast-food drive-thru and makes a call. Listens through a couple rings then,

MATT
Hey, Mom.

As he talks, he’s highly aware of the activity around him.

CLAIRE (O.S.)
(excited)
Matt. Thank goodness. I’ve been calling and calling. Where are you?

MATT
(chuckles)
Yeah, I see that. Just to got Atlanta.

INT. CLAIRE’S CAR – DAY

CLAIRE JEDRICK, 68, pulls to the side of Stewart’s narrow driveway and makes room for an SUV driving out. She gives the driver a polite finger-wave and smiles as they pass each other.

CLAIRE
You sound terrific. When will you…

She drives up near the woodshop where Stewart still stands.

INT. MATT’S PICK-UP – DAY

MATT
Dad know I’m back?

CLAIRE (O.S.)
Hold on a sec, sweetie.

He listens. We hear her car door open, she gets out, and muffled, friendly greetings.

MATT
Is that him?
EXT. STEWART’S WOODSHOP – CONTINUOUS

Stewart holds Claire’s door open and assists her out with her hand in his. Claire stands at the open car door and brings the phone back up to her ear. He lets go of her hand and steps back.

CLAIRE
Yes.
She wears a sweater over a pretty blouse and jeans. She comes across as gentle and caring. She’s quick to smile.

She turns toward Stewart who is watching her with a mix of curiosity, suspicion, and warmth.

MATT (O.S.)
He good with this?

She meets Stewart’s gaze directly.

CLAIRE
Yes. He’s good with this.

Whether speaking to Matt or Stewart we’re not sure. Stewart cocks his head at her words. Claire continues,

CLAIRE
I promise you. He is.

She steps closer to Stewart. The way she moves is soft and flowing compared to the steady, sturdy moves of both Matt and Stewart. He closes the door for her.

CLAIRE
When can we expect you?

MATT (O.S.)
Um, I’m gonna take my time. Take a scenic route. Reset a bit.

STEWART
That Matt?
Claire continues listening to her son but looks at Stewart.

CLAIRE
Okay. Okay. I understand.

STEWART
(more demanding)
Claire?

She nods.

He shakes his head and loses patience.

Stewart reaches for her phone.

MATT (O.S.)
Tell him I’ll be there in a couple days.

Stewart takes the phone as much as Claire gives it to him.

STEWART
(angrily)
Matt?

He lists. He hands her back the phone with a still angry glare.

STEWART
You promise? What exactly does that mean?

She shrugs nonchalantly and looks back where SUV drove off.

CLAIRE
Sold it did you?
Stewart’s glare burns through her attempt to change the topic.

STEWART
Jesus Christ, Claire. Just say it.

She reads him for a moment.

CLAIRE
He’s coming to see you.

STEWART
(scoffs in disbelief)
Yeah?

CLAIRE
It’ll be good.

STEWART
It won’t.
CLAIRE
It can’t be like last times he came home.

Stewart barely listens as he lights up a cigarette.

STEWART
You know I’d do anything for you, but this…

Takes another drag. Blows it away from her.

STEWART
… is not a good idea.

Claire presses on.

CLAIRE
(coaxing)
Will you hear him out?

Stewart’s expression grows dark.
STEWART
He sober?

CLAIRE
Sara says he is.

STEWART
Doesn’t matter what she says. Is he sober?

Claire shrugs and looks down before meeting Stewart’s stare.

CLAIRE
Honestly, I don’t know.

An uneasy pause, then, in almost a whisper,

CLAIRE
He can be though. With your help.

Stewart takes another drag on his cigarette as he walks to the open doors of the woodshop. She watches as his mood grows reflective.

CLAIRE
It wasn’t your fault.

STEWART
You weren’t there.

CLAIRE
No. But I was close. It was all of us. It’s different today. There’s more help available.

Stewart looks around at the shop, the cabin, the woods around him. He steps into the woodshop. She follows.

INT. STEWART’S WOODSHOP – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE
And. I was also thinking…

He turns to expect a complication.

CLAIRE
…that they should move into the house.
STEWART
What house?

She hasn’t answered.

STEWART
Your house?
He stops. Stares, more glares, at her.

CLAIRE
(almost pleading)
They can’t keep renting and Jake needs a home to grow up in. The last time Matt was back he…
(loses composure)
I can’t have him reenlist, Stewart. I just can’t!

Stewart softens.
CLAIRE
If he could just find his own space.
(speaking faster)
Stewart, the house would be perfect. They could be a family there. Matt, Sara, Jake. There’s a family history there. Different than ours.

Stewart crushes out his cigarette and turns to her.

STEWART
And you?
(waits for her answer)
You said “Matt, Sara, Jake” as a family. You living there too?

Claire subconsciously glances in the direction of the cabin before meeting Stewart’s gaze.

The look at each other. He knows what’s coming.

CLAIRE
I would…

They pause. Eyes locked. Claire expectant. Stewart unyeilding, almost frightening.

STEWART
(stunned)
Oh, Jesus, Claire.

CLAIRE
We, you always said, “when the time was right.” Well, the time is right.

She lets it sink in.

CLAIRE
You promised.

He can’t believe this is happening. He pulls the Zippo out of his pocket and grips it.

CLAIRE
And now. I promised too.

He looks at his hand with the Zippo in his grip.

CLAIRE
So… what are we going to do?

Stewart, his fist shaking with frustration, slams the fist onto his workbench. Claire takes in a deep breath. She’s ready to keep going.

STEWART
(shoots his answer toward her)
Tell him he can come here. Oh, nevermind. You already did.

They look each other in the eye again. She grows softer. He grows more tense.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Core Trait Analysis

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by defining the traits of a character can provide me a roadmap, of sorts, to writing that character. Their actions are driven by their traits. Once revealed, the writing can be more precise. More powerful. More pithy.

Person 1: Generous, Fearless, Trustworthy, Provocable
These traits are absolute and seemingly always present all at the same time. They waver not at all from expected outcomes.

Person 2: Passionate, Protective, Funny, Guarded
These traits exhibit mostly separately. Funny and passionate can occur together though. Guarding themselves pops up at moments when a private struggle dares to show itself.

Person 3: Manipulative, Selfish, Secretive, Deceptive
These traits are always in play. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. They fulfill the adage, “if their lips are moving, they are lying.”

[Diane Keranen]

Title: Diane Puts Essence to Work

What I’ve learned is to let a scene do a specific job. Don’t expect it to do more than it needs to at its place in the overall story. Let its essence be focused on the task for that scene otherwise it gets watered down.

Script I chose: Not Dead Yet
Scene 1 Location: Opening scene. Jake kills for real. (pg1-2)
Logline: Jake shoots his first rabbit and is surprised that it’s not as fun as he expected and tries to hide his reaction.
Essence I’ve discovered: Hunting is a means to teach young boys to accept the act of killing as normal.
New Logline: Jake is traumatized by his horrified reaction to killing a mother rabbit in a brutal manner and the praise from his hunting group.

Scene 2 Location: Early in Act 1, Matt arrives back in the States. (pg 6)
Logline: Greeted by soldier buddy, Matt arrives from overseas.
Essence I’ve discovered: This scene not only sets Matt’s return from service, it also indicates his uncertainty that he can return successfully.
New Logline: Matt returns from overseas an right away into a place of solitude; his pickup truck a friend stored for him.

Scene 3 Location: End of Act 1, Matt’s coming to see his Stewart, his estranged dad. (pg 16-17
Logline: Matt calls Claire, his mom, to remind her he wants to go to Stewart. (
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a major inciting incident for the Matt/Stewart relationship. It needs to do more heavy lifting. The essence of this scene is Matt’s goal of going to see his estranged father to find out how to live “back in the world” but they’ve never had a good relationship. His mother, Claire is a mediator, of sorts, between the two men.
New Logline: Matt, now on the road, is coming to see his estranged dad. Welcome or not. To finally reunite or to cut ties completely.

Scene 4 Location: In Act 2, Flashback. Stewart picks up Claire and baby Matt from the hospital. (pg 28-29)
Logline: Borne of violence, Matt’s birth and Claire’s injuries have Stewart dropping his wife and baby at her parent’s house.
Essence I’ve discovered: They love each other greatly but Stewart fears he will injure them if they stay at the cabin with him.
New Logline: Stewart isolates himself from his wife and baby when the risk of injuring them overwhelms him.

Scene 5 Location: In Act 2, Matt arrives home. (pg38)
Logline: Matt arrives at his house but is unable to get himself to go in.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt comes to realize just how afraid he is to fail at coming home to his wife and son.
New Logline: Matt arrives home but anxiety keeps him from going inside to see his wife and son.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane Finds the Essence

What I’ve learned is that every part of every scene is there to fulfill a purpose of the movie’s story. Every scene here, however many times it was revised, tells more story than the words on the page.

Script I chose: Crash by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco
(Final Revisions dated 03/18/2004)

Select five scenes from a produced script and tell what you believe the
essence is.

Scene 1 Location: (Scene 1) Car Crash/Crime Scene (opening scene)
Logline: Graham’s observations of human behavior leave Ria, his police detective partner, thinking he’s lost his bearings.
Essence: Graham had deep thoughts about the ways people come into contact with each other in his city; they don’t seek contact, it happens by force rather than choice. The scene is a flashforward and is also a setup for a meaningful message.

Scene 2 Location: (Scene 4) Gun Store (First scene of the Farhad storyline)
Logline: Farhad, an Iranian immigrant tries to buy ammunition from a racist storeowner but needs Dorri, his natural born citizen daughter attorney, to help him due to his broken English.
Essence: Dorri does not want her father to purchase the bullets.

Scene 3 Location: (Scene 27) The scene where we meet Daniel.
Logline: Jean, fresh off a carjacking, demands the locks be changed again in the morning because the Hispanic locksmith looks to her like a gang-banger.”
Essence: The scene shows that fear from being victimized can be expressed as racist judgement of others. In this case, the carjacking victim fears what she assumes is the criminal tendencies of the Hispanic man who is the locksmith.

Scene 4 Location: (Scene 36) Farhad’s Corner Market (two scenes later in this storyline)
Logline: After a break-in at his store, Farhad hires a locksmith, Daniel, to change the lock on the busted in door but refuses to understand when Daniel says the door is broken. Farhad thinks he’s being scammed.
Essence: To point out how anger at one event (the break-in) can easily be directed at an undeserving target for a different reason (expectation of being scammed) which in this case is the Iranian immigrant’s anger toward Daniel, a Hispanic locksmith.

Scene 5 Location: (Scene 96) Daniel’s Bungalow, start of final sequence of the Farhad storyline)
Logline: Farhad has had enough. It’s time to get payment for what he’s lost from the only person he links to his store break-in.
Essence: Farhad wants revenge and seeks it from Daniel.

My selection for most profound essence: (Post scene here without worrying
about formatting and then also post the essence and why you believe that is
the essence).
Scene 102:
EXT. DANIELS’ BUNGALOW – CONTINUOUS
Lara almost flies down the walk and across the grass.

LARA
Daddy!

FARHAD
You lie! You cheat me! You son-of-a-

Daniel doesn’t see her coming until she’s almost upon him, leaping into his arms. Just as Farhad’s finger jerks on the trigger… BANG! The bullet hit Lara straight in the back…

FARHAD
(in horror)
AHHHHH.

ELIZABETH
(running)
Lara!!!!!

Daniel knows she’s dead without even looking. The horror registers on his face – and on Farhad’s.

But then, Daniel forgot something. Lara’s wearing her impenetrable cloak. Which is why she’s able to lift her head and look into his eyes.

LARA
It’s okay, Daddy. I’ll protect you.

DANIEL
What?

Daniel feels her back, no sign of a wound, no sign of a hole, this is impossible. Elizabeth is right there, throwing her arms around her daughter and husband. Farhad looks at his smoking gun. It falls to his side.

ELIZABETH
Baby!

Farhad opens his mouth to apologize but can’t say anything.

Daniel just stares at Farhad, then walks his family toward his house.

LARA
(whispers in his ear)
It’s a really good cloak.

He closes the door behind them. Leaving…
FARHAD
standing on the street, his mind reeling, neighbors staring.

Essence: I believe the essence of this scene is to convey the idea that we only have part of the story of why people behave the way they do toward each other. There is so much we don’t know about each other and our fear and anger that arise from life events keep us from looking beyond our assumptions and we “crash” into each other just to feel engaged in our lives.

Why I believe this is the essence: Farhad unknowingly, thanks to his daughter, has blanks in his gun. When his store is broken into and the locksmith didn’t fix the door, Farhad’s only link to the robbery is Daniel. Angry that he’s lost so much and can’t protect his family, Farhad seeks revenge from Daniel and takes his gun to Daniel’s home to shoot him. Daniel’s daughter, wearing the invisible cloak that her father gave her in an earlier scene, sees his father in danger and runs to protect him. When the shot goes off, it’s expected that Lara dies instead of Daniel, but the bullet was only a blank. A series of misunderstandings and assumptions lead to an explosive event arising out of fear and helplessness that ended in an outburst of racist anger.

[Diane Keranen]

1. My name is Diane Keranen
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. The entire text of the release from is included below:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi everyone,

My name is Diane.

I've written two feature film spec scripts, some shorts, a rom-com with a co-writer, and I have a third spec script in the works.

My hope is to develop a creative process/practices that help me see more options as I develop my own writing and when I get paid writing assignments for producers.

I love learning. While I didn't like grade school, high school, or the general ed parts of my BA degree, I loved the focus of grad school and earned a Master's degree and a Ph.D. as a non-traditional student. Non of this education was screenwriting related. I’m venturing into a new career.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is that a treatment has a specific focus regarding the elements of the story so that the major thread is clearly stated. The major thread of the movie should be written as interesting and complete as possible while fulfilling the genre requirements. The depth of the story is indicated but not expanded upon in the treatment. The reader needs to see a clear picture of the movie’s overall value as a production project and that this treatment what they can use to “sell” the movie to other business partners (actors, investors, etc.).

The movie is structured with a major twist.

Title: The Old Mistress
Genre: Drama
Logline: A young street artist finds herself in continual trouble with the law over vandalism, but when she discovers a she has a great female artist in her family history dating back to the Old Masters, she goes on a historical journey that turns her ideas of art in-side-out as she discovers her own vibrant place in the world of art and artists.

———-

A young street artist, Temisia, hates her name and prefers her street name “Tempo” walks out of a police station with her grandmother Ida who tells her she can’t keep getting arrested. Ida scolds Temisia, tells her she’ll limit what she’ll be able to achieve with her life. Temisia just rolls her eyes and argues, yet again, that she’s doing important work by bringing art to where the people are: in the streets. Ida tells her she can never be truly free if she’s in jail. Ida tells her granddaughter that is named after a great artist in their family history who painted alongside the Old Masters. Temisia asks if the rumors are true and Ida responds, “What if they are, Temisia? But, too, what if they aren’t?” These questions get Temisia wondering about her long-ago artist family member and herself.

Angry that her artistic efforts are considered pollution, Temisia believes her social commentary is important for “regular people” to think about. She recognizes that she’ll continue to get arrested for what others call “vandalism” and “destruction of public property” but she must persist. “How can I be a disappointment when what I do is so important? Weston, a local artist acquaintance has a new show in a gallery and he calls her a wannabe artist, just a vandal, and that she can’t understand what he calls “real art.” He laughs at her family history rumor, “If true, they used up the family art gene.” Temisia hates him, what he stands for, and what she calls “his arrogant displays of artificiality.” Her interest in the family rumor grows if only to spite him.

Temisia asks her family members about the artist in their history all they know is that her name is an old family name and was the name of the long lost relative. Temisia goes to the Public Library and looks through some art history books to find out more about the great artist “Temisia Something.” She finds nothing and gets angry that the library was no help to her. She’ll show them though.

Temisia sketches a thowie in her blackbook. It’s an image of an open book with empty pages. She plans to chalk it onto the sidewalk leading to the library which was no help to her. Under cover of night, she draws the art on the library’s sidewalk.

Hanging out with fellow street artist friend, Austin “Solo” Sanders, a street musician, she shows him the paperwork for latest charges filed against her. He points out to her that she said she loves the “spontaneous, unique” feeling of his music. Then he tells her that he has a college degree in music theory. He developed his style only after he learned and practiced “the rules” of music. She’s very surprised that Solo had sold out. “Once you know the rules,” he tells her, “you can decide which ones to break, but, and this is the important part, why to break them. That is when you do your art.” Temisia feels defeated that even her artist mentors are sell-outs and that maybe she will always be just a vandal. Instead, she sets out to show everyone that true art does not need history because it comes out of the “today.”

Temisia goes to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to take a look at the work of the Old Masters more to mock them than discover anything. While there, she learns about the Thomas J. Watson Library, the Met’s research library. She speaks with Donovan Poole, the Director of Research, who has ideas of how to focus her exploration of art and also how to find her long lost relative using her family rumors to guide him. In the process, Temisia realizes there might be a rich history of revolutionary social commentary in art. The very impact she wants to have. Temisia immerses herself in the history of art. She sees a flyer advertising an art contest for amateur artists. She noticed it several months ago, but now it seems to be speaking to her. She decides to enter the contest with a new graffiti piece using an alias.

Temisia works on her new piece in private. Weston continues to criticize and belittle her, but Solo continues to encourage her. When the day comes for the entries to be judged, she learns that Weston is one of the judges. She has no hope of winning considering how Weston hates graffiti. The judging is an all-day affair and the artists present their artwork and give a short speech about their work. (Temisia presents a slide show of her art that is out in the community.) In her speech, she points out the ground-breaking work of the artist and that her style is a continuation of that history. After the judging day is complete, Donovan finds her on the museum steps and tells her that he found her long lost relative. They go to the library archives where he explains how he found her relative. And better yet, he located some of the paintings and acquired photographs of them. Temisia finally gets to see the work of her 10x great-grandmother Artemisia Raynor, the Old Mistress that set her on her own quest to find her artistic place in history. Her phone rings, she learns she has won the contest.

Having won the Met’s contest, Temisia gets to take art classes for free. She returns to high-school to get her degree so she can attend art school. She has found her place not only in the art scene, but also in the history of art overall, and that her desire to “bring art to the people” is a valid and admired pursuit. She takes pride in her family history and the Old Mistress who helped her see art in a whole new way and now proudly uses her given name. Her new goal, in addition to creating more of her own art, is to become an art teacher so she can more fully bring the world of art to the next generations and help inspire new artists to rise up.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Producer Interview Experience: What I learned doing this assignment is that the producer can have a much more developed idea than what the writer gets in the synopsis. This is great because the interview can produce (pardon the pun) a lot of information rather quickly. Also, I learned that it’s good to get super familiar with the questions so that when a point in the interview turns highly conversational, to look for the answers in the discussion to keep the process moving smoothly.

Title: The Old Mistress
Genre: Drama
Logline: A young street artist determined to bring art to the people keeps finding herself in trouble with the law over vandalism but discovers a long family history of women artists going back to the Old Masters from which she finds her own artistic voice.
Synopsis: A young woman graffiti artist has much to say about society through her art. However, she keeps getting in legal trouble and accused of vandalism.
She’s determined to bring art to the people and communities who could benefit from the cultural enrichment her art provides.
She does not agree that art belongs in galleries and museums because class divisions are overly restrictive in who gets to access the art in those spaces. “Bring it to the people where they live. That’s what we need here.”
As she struggles to find her artistic voice and place, she discovers an old document in the dusty archives of the public library and learns that her many times great-grandmother apprenticed alongside the Old Masters of the 17th century but cannot be found in the history books.
She sets herself on a journey to learn more about her family history and along the way finds her artistic voice, style, and place.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi everyone. I got a bit behind. I see everyone who posted a writing sample has gotten feedback. I would greatly appreciate feedback and if you want feedback, please, please give me a holler and I’ll get you some asap. Thank you!

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Drama Writing Sample Plan

This is the opening to Lockdown Jury which is a drama script.

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can condense much of my writing, take out secondary dialogue and action and focus on upping the dramatic feel of the script.

EXT. DESERT – DUSK
Loud hip-hop music plays and drowns out almost all other sounds except for BMX bike tires on desert sand and rocks as a rider builds up speed. High ground glows warm in the late light that throws long shadows on the hot sand.

LOGAN KENDALL, 16, African-American, tall, lanky straddles his BMX bike and records with his phone as he waits on the shady side of a rock ridge in the rugged terrain.

Logan squints at his phone. Frustrated, he pockets it.

He watches the rock ridge.

A BMX bike flies off the top of a rock outcropping. KADEN, 14, shorter than his brother but more muscular, executes a perfect tail whip.

Sand swirls in sun-lit arcs against a darkening sky as the bike whips around.

The tires chunk into the sand. Kaden turns a half-circle and skids to a stop next to Logan.

Kaden pulls out his ear buds. The music stops, replaced by the boys’ chatter that overlaps each other.

KADEN
Ho-ly! Did you see that. It felt awesome!

LOGAN
That was perfect, man! Perfect! You should have seen it. Could’ve gone viral with that if my dang phone hadn’t died.

KADEN
Ah, bro, you foolin’?
Kaden looks back as if imagining how his stunt looked.

LOGAN
Hey, we better get going. It’s getting dark. We got to stop by Louie’s, and then go all the way out past the old mine.
(hands over a hoodie)
Here, it’s gettin’ cold.
Kaden pulls on his hoodie.

KADEN
We’re going past the old factory?

LOGAN
Just a little. Louie said to stick to the rail side and we’d be okay.
Kaden bounces his front tires against the ground.

KADEN
Tire’s low. Let’s stop for air at the QuickStop.

LOGAN
Yeah. Okay.

They throw on their backpacks.

KADEN
Val’s going.

LOGAN
Oh?

KADEN
Something’s been off with her.

LOGAN
Then ask her? If she can’t tell you, man. Move on.

KADEN
No way man. She’s the one for me.

An uneasiness rolls over both of them.

LOGAN
You’re still just kids. You’ll see. Trust me.

KADEN
Ha! Kids? So are you. And, you don’t know, man. She is the one.

Logan appears worried over Kaden’s obsession and watches him as he himself readies to go. When they are both ready,

KADEN
So. We’re still bringin’ it?

LOGAN
Yeah, let’s go.

They start riding. Kaden in front.

LOGAN
He has two unopened whisky bottles. Says he hates the stuff and we can have ‘em if we don’t drink any. I had to promise we wouldn’t.
(rides up along Kaden)
K, this Valerie thing. It’ll work itself out. Trust me.

Kaden meets Logan’s gaze but quickly looks away.

KADEN
We’ll see.
Kaden speeds up, Logan follows, they ride toward the edge of the suburbs and a brightly lit QuickStop sign.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
A vacant factory next to rails in disuse borders a quiet business street. Security barriers cover shop windows. Some are vacant and boarded up.

The QuickStop gas station/convenience store is open with one car at the pumps. The boys ride up to the air hose at the QuickStop. A nearly empty city bus rolls by on nearly empty streets while the boys check their tires.

EXT. URBAN STREET – VACANT BUILDING – NIGHT – LATER
Exhaled breaths condense through the bandanas of two young men. They stand over a homeless man sleeping in the entryway of a vacant building. The two are dressed in hoodies, baggy jeans, timberlands, and gloves.
The two look at each other and nod.

Without a word, they begin to stomp on the sleeping man who wakes and reacts. To defend himself, he grabs at the feet and legs of the attackers.

His thin, shaggy, white hair jerks with each kick. The young men continue to stomp on the man until he stops fighting.
The attackers stop and stare at the man who lies still.

One of them presses his boot onto the side of the man’s face and presses it into the ground. The other bends down and slams the man’s “Vietnam Veteran” cap onto his head.

The boot-imprinter takes out his phone and takes pictures of the two throwing up their gangsta-style hand signs as they pose with the unconscious veteran.

MONTAGE — URBAN STREETS & ALLEYWAYS
The same two young men drag a second homeless man from a bus bench. They kick and stomp on him until he stops moving. The one that imprinted his boot on the last victim, imprints on this victim’s face too.

They again takes pictures — this time trophy-posing and the boot-imprinter holds the man’s bloody face up.

A third victim crumpled into her rickety shopping cart. Boot print on her face. Her possessions scattered on the ground. They take photos as they throw their gangsta sign with shopping cart lady as their backdrop.

A fourth, boot lifts off the face of the beaten body of a prostitute, her fake fur coat now bloodied. Picture-taker holds phone above him and takes a video while making masturbation motions with his other hand.

A fifth, the boot is lifted from his face, it’s a man, 20s, unshaven, skinny, rotted teeth, meth sores on his face. The sores bleed. He’s barely aware.

The imprinter takes a picture of the boot impression on the victim’s face. His partner throws their gang sign into the picture.
Police sirens sound in the distance. The young men startle, look around, and run off in different directions.
END MONTAGE

EXT. BIKE PATH – NIGHT
A teenage African-American girl walk/jogs toward an upper-middle-class residential area. VALERIE, 14, glances behind her several times. She’s scared but almost to the end of the bike path where it meets the lighted street.

She throws one last quick glance back at the very instant an arm grabs her around her head to muffle her screams and another traps her arms.

The attacker drags her off the bike path. She fights him but disappears in a patch of overgrown desert broom.

INT. KENDALL HOME – KITCHEN/DINING AREA – DAY
An anxious Kaden and Logan sit at the kitchen counter. CORA KENDALL, their mother, 38, places a stack of pancakes in front of their empty plates.

Cora looks from one son to the other with an expression they recognize. She is pissed. The boys exchange nervous glances.

Local news plays on the kitchen tv that no one watches, but it breaks the uneasy silence.

CORA
Tell me.
(waits)
Midnight?

Loud knocks at the front door. Both boys jump. Cora notices Kaden’s hand is bruised and scraped up.

CORA
We’re not through here.
(louder as she walks to the door)
And I want to know what you did to your hand.

Logan leans close to Kaden and whispers.

LOGAN
Crashed on a stunt.
Kaden nods in agreement.

NEWSCASTER (V.O)
…last night in an apparent spree attack against five people and the 14-year-old daughter of a local school Principal.

The tv news report now catches their attention.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
Three of the homeless victims are hospitalized in critical condition. Two others died along with the girl who was found by joggers along the Red Dune Bike Path.

Kaden and Logan look at each other then both lean in to hear but noise from the front door grows louder just as several police officers, weapons drawn, rush the kitchen and take the boys into custody.

CORA (O.S.)
No! No! This is a mistake! Wait!

An officer moves Cora out of the way. The ruckus drowns out the news report. Kaden tries to catch as much of the news story as possible but is swarmed with officers.

INT. DISTRICT ATTORNEY’S OFFICE – WEEK LATER – DAY
Assistant Prosecutor NIKKY GADSEN, mid-30s, mixed-race, wears a skirted power-suit. She walks into the office of the DISTRICT ATTORNEY, late-50s, Caucasian.

He hangs up his suit coat, motions for her to sit, and picks a folder up from his desk. He doesn’t give it to her yet.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Nikky. This looks like just the case you’re looking for. If you’re still interested in a case that can make your career, this is it.
Her voice is steady and powerful.

NIKKY
The Kendall boys?

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
To be tried as adults. Capital murder.

Her eyes widen. He hands her the folder.

NIKKY
The indictment?

He nods. Nikky takes out the document and scans pages to get some detail. Reads bits here and there on various pages.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
You’ve been looking for a challenging, “stand-out case” is what you called it. You’re holding it.
(watches her read)
I’m willing to assign you as the lead prosecutor on this case.

Nikky looks up at him. Excitement spills across her face.

NIKKY
Yes. This will be a challenge. I’ll get right on it.

She starts to leave. But pauses as the DA continues.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Remember, you’re not just prosecuting the case. This office is, of sorts, on trial too. There are serious consequences in the upcoming election if you lose.

He steps around his desk and sits in the leather chair.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Our jobs are on the line here. We need a big win. So…
(picks his words)
… something we can’t ignore, the media will make this about race. The accused. And yours. If a Black woman can get a legal win in this case, this office will demonstrate the color-blindness that this state wants to see.

She does not miss the irony in his comments.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Which means, you are the best choice from this office. If you’re not fully committed to prosecuting this case, tell me now and I can remedy any disillusionment you might have about standing out and bring someone in with the balls to do this job. Am I clear?

Nikky meets the challenge his eyes aim directly at her.

NIKKY
You are. I can win this.

She opens the document to a specific page.

NIKKY
The grand jury points out that much of the evidence appears circumstantial. That’s unusual for a capital case.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Are you accepting the case or not? Circumstantial. Hard evidence. That’s the challenge here. Yes? Or no?

NIKKY
Yes, of course I accept it. My point was that a good attorney sees both sides.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
A good prosecutor prosecutes one.

The DA checks his Rolex, pulls on his suit coat, and straightens his tie.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
I’ve got lunch with Grant downtown. Nikky, keep your focus. I recommend Krenshaw on this one. He’s a top-notch investigator. Do your job. Let the jury do their job. Trust the legal process.

She turns to leave the DA’s office.

NIKKY
Yes. The process. Of course.

At the door she turns back to the DA and he’s right behind her. She almost bumps into him.

NIKKY

And thank you.

The leave going different directions in the hallway.

INT. FOLEY GUESTHOUSE — LIVING ROOM – DAY – MONTHS LATER
The hands of two Caucasian males, MILO FOLEY, arrogant and reckless and LUCAS TYLER, calm and attentive, both 19 load bullets into clips for semi-auto handguns.

A large tv shows a “Breaking News” story. A tv reporter stands outside the courthouse with a crowd of onlookers behind her.

TV REPORTER (V.O.)
… nearing the end of a long trial about to go to the jury. Two young men facing death sentences… While we can never tell for sure what a jury with decide, the overwhelming sentiment is that a guilty verdict will be forthcoming.

Christina Tyler’s ID Access Badge lanyard to the Clayton County Courthouse is curled up on a newspaper on the table.
Under the badge, the headline reads, “Capital Trial of Kendall Brothers Nears End” with teaser text, “Closing Arguments Start for Alleged Spree Killers.”

The room is upper-class, family wealth, and expensive decor.

Lucas picks up what looks like a pen. Clicks it. It’s a laser pointer. He practices pointing steadily on a target.

LUCAS
I’ll laser the cameras at the sally port.

Milo’s tone sounds weary as if this is the umpteenth time they’ve recited the plan.

MILO
We wait outside the side door. Guards won’t see us.

LUCAS
We watch and listen to the guards. What they say. What they do.

Lucas is calm and serious. Milo is nervous, excited.

MILO
Then, when they take the “spree killers” out of the SUV…

LUCAS
A quick swipe to unlock the door…

MILO
(grins)
Bang! Bang! Before they know what went down…

LUCAS
… We’re gone.

Lucas puts on a leather jacket. They both turn to observe their appearance. Milo puts on his “killer” eyes and lifts his gun, holds it sideways, aims it at his reflection.

Milo adjusts his pose, the angle of this head, the hardness of his gaze until he’s satisfied. He winks at himself.
Lucas reaches behind his back. He pulls his handgun from his waistband. Aims at his reflection. Holds his gun sideways.

They wear graphic t-shirts and oversized, saggy jeans. Milo wears a black t-shirt with a “Straight up Legit” graphic and Lucas a white, long-sleeve t-shirt with a huge “OG”. Both wear Timberlands.

Milo takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the two. He sets the phone in a mount on the coffee table.

MILO
Hang on. Hang on. Aim at the phone.

They both aim at the phone and wait for the timed pic. Milo looks to see how the pic turned out.

MILO
Yeah, man. That is it. Look at this.

LUCAS
Whoa, man. That is brutal.

Milo places his phone back in the mount.

MILO
Close up.

Milo aims his gun at the camera. Lucas throws their “gang” sign and they hold the pose. Camera blinks. Milo checks it.
Self-impressed smile as Milo holds his phone for Lucas to see. Lucas grins. He notices at the time.

LUCAS
Let’s go! Can’t be late.

EXT. COURTHOUSE – SALLY PORT SIDE DOOR – DAY
Milo and Lucas arrive just as the sally port door opens.

MILO
Get ready.

To their surprise. The transport SUV pulls out and drive off.

MILO
They’re early.

LUCAS
Now what? Come back tomorrow?

MILO
We have to go in.

INT. COURTHOUSE – COURTROOM HALLWAY – DAY – SHORT WHILE LATER
An elevator opens. Milo steps into the hallway with a hand on his gun. The last passenger steps out of the elevator. It’s police officer.

Milo sees the officer. He panics, draws, and fires twice at the officer.

EXT. COURTHOUSE – DAY – SHORT WHILE LATER
The tv reporter is huddled behind the news van.

TV REPORTER (V.O.)
…shots heard inside the courthouse. Security has locked down the whole building and the courtroom…
INT. COURTROOM
Crouching behind gallery benches along with trial spectators is Lucas.

TV REPORTER (V.O.)
… we can report that the courtroom is locked down with spectators, attorneys, the judge and the jury all on lockdown.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is how important the title is, how much of the existing draft script could be simple cut if needed, what audience is when thinking about who the movie will be marketed to, and the importance of the right characters to carry the weight of the concept.

Give us the decisions that are in your current High Budget script:
— Genre: Drama
— Title: Lockdown Jury
— Concept: A talented assistant district attorney is about to win a case that will launch her career to the next level but at closing arguments and without the necessary evidence she believes that the two African American teenagers on trial could not possibly be the killers.
— Audience: Males under 25 and Women under 25
— Budget: 25 million
— Lead Characters: Nikky Gadsen (assistant DA), Bruno Franklin (legal journalist)
— Journey / Character Arc: Nikky, a mixed race woman about 30, asks the DA for a high-profile case to elevate her career from junior assistant DA to senior assistant DA. He assigns her a case of two Black teenagers accused of a crime spree that included the death of a Black teenager, the girlfriend of one of the boys. She makes a very strong case and as closing arguments are about to start, all speculation is that the boys will be found guilty. This will be a big win for Nikky. On the day closing arguments will take place, there is a shooting in the courthouse and the courtroom goes on lockdown. As the shooting began, people in the courthouse took cover, and one of the two gunmen end up in the courtroom during the lockdown. The other gunman is found and killed, but not before police learn there is another shooter. During the lockdown, the gallery of onlookers, many of them friends of the murdered girl and the accused, realize they have videos on their phones that wasn’t entered into evidence. Nikky overhears them discussing the videos that indicate the boys on trial are not guilty of these crimes and that the real criminals are two White teenagers of wealthy families who made videos of themselves planning this shooting and committing the crimes. These two are “gansta wannabes” and believed that if the accused were dead, there would be no more investigation and they would get away with their crimes. Now Nikky is faced with the challenge of saving her reputation after pressing such a successful prosecution of innocent Black teenagers.
— Opening / Ending:
Opening: Logan, 15, and Kaden, 14, two Black teens are doing stunts in the desert on their BMX bikes. Kaden performs a perfect, difficult stunt and they are very excited. It’s getting late and starting to get dark. They have a teen party to go and these two are supposed to bring some liquor. They ride through town, acquire some booze from and uncle’s house and ride out to the party in another part of the desert outside of town. They are seen with Kaden’s girlfriend, Valerie, who is murdered later that night. The next morning, police arrive at the boys’ home and arrest them in front of their confused mother.
Ending: The gig is up and the gunman in the courtroom is revealed. The guards shoot and injure him but he’s taken into custody. Logan and Kaden are released immediately when the charges are dropped. In the last scene, Logan and Kaden are at BMX stunt competition. Kaden performs the complicated stunt he did at the beginning to excited applause. In the background is a billboard of Nikky’s campaign sign. She’s running for District Attorney.

Tell us which of those decisions you could improve to make your script more marketable.
— Genre: Could be Crime Drama rather than Drama
— Title: Could be more focused on the lead character’s journey rather than the story idea
— Concept: Create a clearer opposition character to represent a systemic racism the boys are caught up in.
— Audience: ?
— Budget: The crime spree takes place in several suburban and urban locations, the spree could be reduced in number if needed; the teenagers beer party in the desert could have fewer attendees (fewer people, fewer vehicles, simpler set), I also think I could cut 10-15 pages if needed.
— Lead Characters: The story about overcoming a bad prosecution of Black teenagers, even though late and by accident, the struggles of a bi-racial, female prosecutor could be on interest to an big-name actress and similar for the opposition character who could present that side with gusto.
— Journey/Character Arc: I don’t know. The arc seems quite transformative. The prosecutor goes from trying to break a glass ceiling, to being a Black, female prosecutor on the wrong side of justice, to overcoming the crisis publicly, to running for DA.
— Opening/Ending. I think the opening and ending are solid bookmarks for the story of the two wrongly accused teen boys. They’re not criminals to start with, they get run through a horrible legal catastrophe that could send them to prison for life, but they come out the other side to return to being boys accomplishing teenager goals.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Profound Map Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is how much more meaningful my story can be when every character contributes to that one profound truth that permeates the story not only on the surface level but also in a variety of deeper layers. The characters have specific jobs and we write to connect characters to the audience and take them through the transformational journey, so they feel it with the characters and there are many ways to add this depth. My story, while the same story in a broad sense, has been deepened by the writing strategies I applied to explore so many ways to make it so much more meaningful and profound than the draft I started with.

TITLE: Not Dead Yet
WRITTEN BY: Diane Keranen
1. What is Your Profound Truth?
A. Admiring combat and ignoring or minimizing the effects of combat trauma is destructive to the lives of veterans and their families.
Beneath that: real-life combat is not glorious
Beneath that: combat trauma is powerful and deadly
Beneath that: effects of combat trauma tears families apart
B: The shift I want my audience to experience is to evaluate their own Old Ways perspective and develop empathy for combat-affected veterans to see they are not weak or mentally ill but that their combat trauma is still with them. Avoid pulling them back into their old life because it doesn’t fit them anymore. Be less quick to support combat “solutions” to international conflicts so fewer soldiers see combat.
2. What is the Transformational Journey?
Old Ways: Soldiers who return from combat duty are welcomed home, thanked for their service, and are expected to return to a normal civilian life by reintegrating with their family. The Old Ways lack recognition that the veteran is treated as a symbol of “country” or “patriotism” and their individual reality of lasting combat trauma is forgotten about so the symbol can remain pure. Combat trauma is a sign of weakness or mental illness. Protecting the symbol is important.
Journey: Matt has been serving in combat for three rotations. He wants to stay home this time. With determination to make things work at home, he seeks to re-establish a relationship with Stewart (his estranged dad) who is also a combat veteran to get advice on how to transition back successfully. Stewart’s perspective on life as a combat-affected veteran sends Matt spiraling into a personal crisis where he doubts he can live in his post-war world. He considers suicide. He attempts suicide, but Stewart intercedes in the nick of time and helps Matt realize that living is better than dying (he’s not dead yet, but suicide will only make him more of a symbol). Stewart helps Matt get on a path to creating a life where he can recognize his strength and survive to return to his family.
New Ways: Overcoming a stigma that combat trauma is a sign of weakness or mental illness. Recognizing that a post-combat life is possible but different than what was expected and affects the entire family. Bringing to light the horrors of war rather than a romantic notion of honor, patriotism, and flag-waving. Changing how the combat-affected veteran is welcomed back home is paramount to saving lives and families.
Transformational Logline:
1. [Transformable Character with an issue…] A soldier returning from combat
2. […takes a journey that challenges them deeply…] seeks his estranged father’s advice on how to survive his post-combat return to civilian life which takes him to the brink of death…
3. […and concludes with the transformation.] which helps him see why his family and country need him to survive.
3. Who are Your Lead Characters?
Change Agent (the one causing the change): Stewart and Claire
Transformable Character(s) (the one who makes the change): Matt
Betraying Character (if you have one): Sara
Oppression: Social expectations that veterans must “man-up” and “not be wusses.” We don’t want to know about the horrors of war because we want to celebrate the bravery, the sacrifice, and honor of our soldiers. The stigma of weakness and mental illness among returning soldiers.
4. How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
A. Relatability – They Are Us! We’re in the run-up to the Fourth of July Celebrations. There’s a surprise welcome home party for a returning soldier.
B. Intrigue: Returning soldiers want to be celebrated. Right? The returning soldier is exhibiting stress and anxiety; will the party help him? Why don’t Claire and Stewart live together? Clearly, they love each other. Will Stewart help Matt? What’s his hang-up? Will Jake learn the Old or New ways? Who is it that’s Not Dead Yet?
C. Empathy: We want Matt to have a normal life. We feel the love between Claire and Stewart. We’re excited for Jake to have his father home. We feel the angst of Jake’s efforts to win the respect of his father so he doesn’t leave again. We want to celebrate with Sara.
D. Likability: Matt has served honorably and want to get back to a normal life. Jake is excited for his father’s return. Sara is doing a lot to welcome Matt back home. Claire is kind and caring yet she’s bold in her pressing for change between Stewart and Matt. Stewart is layered; determined to protect his loved ones, but doesn’t see how his efforts hurt them; he’s strong with flaws.
5. What is the Gradient of the Change?
What steps do the Transformational Characters go through as they are changing?
Gradient 1. The Emotional Gradient: Stewart is forced to remove the barriers that he believes keep his loved ones safe in order to give Claire what she wants (Matt to find a way to be happy with his family &amp; for she and Stewart to finally live together again)
A. The "Forced Change" Emotional Gradient

Denial: Stewart wants to stick with his distancing strategy because he believes it’s the best way to protect his loved ones. Denies the ability to help them. He also feels safer when he’s distanced.
Anger: Claire presses Stewart to help Matt now that Matt is also a combat-veteran and better understands why Stewart has been so distant. This angers Stewart because his safe-space is being trespassed upon.
Bargaining: The initial confrontation between Stewart and Matt where Matt was dropped off at Stewart’s place passed-out drunk. They both question whether this is a good idea or a mistake.
Depression: Stewart sees that his advice is only causing more anxiety for Matt and believes this was a big mistake.
Acceptance: When Matt goes missing, Stewart finds him just as he’s decided to take is life and stops Matt from ending his life. This motivates both of them to re-evaluate their status quo and make meaningful change.

B. The "Desired Change" Emotional Gradient

Excitement: Matt wants to return to his family and leave the military for good.
Doubt: He’s returned before and tried but failed.
Hope: His father’s perspective makes sense to him and is hopeful he can exercise this advice.
Discouragement: Matt’s efforts meet with a joking ridicule and he sees how difficult this will be. He visits the site of Gavin Jr’s death and considers how taking his own life is an option.
Courage: Matt weighs the awards and honors he’s earned through his service in combat against the horror he witnessed. He musters his courage for one last deed.
Triumph…or Loss: He loses the battle to return to such an impossible life and decides to take his life. But, also triumphs because Stewart finds him and stops him. The life/death crisis helps Matt understand Stewart’s perspective.
Setup: Matt is coming home from his last deployment.
Journey: Comes home, gets drunk, meets with Stewart, applies advice, fails to get acceptance, and decides to take his life.
Payoff: Saved at the last moment by Stewart, the crisis flipped the switch and now Matt’s ready to live and come home to a world that fails to accept his true self and find a way to navigate this battleground for his personal identity vs symbol of “country/patriotism.”
Gradient 3. The Challenge / Weakness Gradient
Challenge: Society’s expectations of returning veteran
Weakness: Matt’s one man against the world; a David and Goliath fight.

Challenge: Matt learns Stewart’s perspective (New Ways) and tries to implement them.
Weakness: Those in his world, his wife and friends, consider the New Ways to be weakness

Challenge: Neither the Old nor the New ways seem to work for Matt
Weakness: Matt decides there’s a different way out from them both (death)

Challenge: The conflict between New and Old ways is unwinnable.
Weakness: Matt decides to take his life to escape both ways.

Challenge: Stewart stops the death effort and clarifies the conflict for Matt.
Weakness: Matt remains unsure he can make it back but sets aside his own judgment for the judgment of his father.
6. What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?
Mini-Movie 1 ¬ Status Quo and Call to Adventure

Fade in on Jake hunting for the first time. He kills a rabbit and is traumatized by the suffering and death he caused. This is nothing like his video games. He’s congratulated by his hunting party so he hides his reaction from the others.

Cut to Claire arriving at Stewart’s cabin where he just sold a hand-crafted kayak to a customer driving out. Matt calls Claire just as she arrives. As she talks to Matt, he asks if Stewart knows he’s coming to see him. Stewart reaches for the phone, but Matt disconnects. Claire asks about the sale and they have a light-hearted conversation revealing Claire and Stewart’s relationship before it turns to Matt. Matt’s coming home and wants to make it work this time. Claire convinces a reluctant Stewart to help Matt find his way back home.

Mini-Movie 2 ¬ Locked Into Conflict
Matt turns up at Stewart’s cabin in a passed-out drunk state. He wakes to find himself on the cot in Stewart’s woodshop (where Stewart spent many nights back when he was drinking too much) with Stewart working on a project. Stewart shares his perspective with Matt on how to manage the “celebration” that society wants them to take part in with the horrors of war that are in complete contradiction to something that should be celebrated.

Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem ¬ But Fails.
Matt goes home to Sara and out to visit some friends. They are happy to see him, but when Matt’s not enthusiastic about the celebrating. He tells Sara he doesn’t want the party and to cancel it. Sara presses him to at least play along for now because it’s already planned and their friends want to welcome him home. He drives off and comes across his pre-wartime friends who also don’t want to let him play down their celebration.

Mini-Movie 4 ¬ Hero Forms a Plan
Matt separates himself from the celebrations and finds himself seeking solitude from everyone. A lesson his father unintentionally taught him. He wonders if his father’s advice is actually good advice. When Matt gets back to home, the party is underway.

Mini-Movie 5 ¬ Hero Retreats &amp; Antagonist Wins
He feels out of place among the decorations and hugs and handshakes. The kids (young and old) playing with fireworks grate on his nerves. He leaves the party and visits the site where Gavin Jr. died. He talks to the dead man as if he’s there and realizes that this is a possible solution to his own challenges.

Mini-Movie 6 ¬ Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!
(I’m a bit unsure on how this will work right now.)

Mini-Movie 7 ¬ Crisis &amp; Climax
Matt’s nerves are rattled. He buys some beer and retreats to quiet solitude at the end of a dirt road in the woods (the same road where Jake was hunting). In his pickup are awards and medals. He looks through them. Mixed in with them are photos of friends who were killed and some who were maimed. He’s drunk. He takes out his pistol (introduced earlier) and decides to end his life. Just as he’s ready to pull the trigger, BANG! It’s Stewart’s hand slamming on Matt’s pickup window.

Mini-Movie 8 ¬ New Status Quo
Stewart helps Matt to see that his death is not an escape. He will be even more erased from society. By living, they can work together to make the changes to help each other and maybe other veterans too. They do have a purpose other than a symbol of a romantic notion of battle.

7. How are the “Old Ways” Challenged?
What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
A. Challenge through Questioning: Sara doesn’t understand why her husband is against the party to celebrate his return.

SARA
It’s just a party. I don’t know why you’re being so ridiculous about this. Everyone just wants to see you and celebrate you.

MATT
Ridiculous? I somehow make it out without wounds and I have buddies who got blown up in front of me, buddies who are now paralyzed and worse, and you think I’m being ridiculous? What’s to celebrate? My luck to be alive?

SARA
Can’t you do this one little thing for me?

B. Challenge by Counterexample: Stewart acknowledges the pull to think about taking one’s life.

STEWART
My friend, Gav, had a really tough time when he got back. He took to drink more than most. You know the intersection at the swamp, right? The long straight stretch before you get to it?

MATT
Um, hmm. Me and the guys used to play chicken there. See who could get closest without going in. The guy who crashed there. He lost that game.
STEWART
Hmmm.

That was no game. They recorded it as an accident. Drunk driving. But it wasn’t that. He drove his car right off the road.

You know the worst part of it?

MATT
(shakes his head, silent)

STEWART
He told me. Right before he did it. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t hear it. I should’ve. I should’ve stopped him.

MATT
If you didn’t hear him…

STEWART
No. I heard HIM, I didn’t hear IT. What he was saying. That’s what I didn’t hear. What he meant. I heard what he said.

C. Challenge by "Should Work, But Doesn't": Jake, too young to be included in adult conversations, and his friend Cole (both 10) decide that “manning up” was the right way to handle the trauma of killing in real life. To bond with his dad, Jake thinks because his dad was a brave, honorable soldier, that his dad would appreciate Jake growing up and understanding how killing is good.

JAKE
I hated it. When I found the rabbit. It was still alive. Cole, it was looking at me. In the eye. I could tell it was scared and suffering.

COLE
Maybe. Maybe it was just what a rabbit looks like when it’s shot like that. My dad says that a good kill means it doesn’t feel it. You just need to practice more. That’s all.

(MANY PAGES LATER)

JAKE
Dad. Can we go hunting? I want to get to be a better shot like in the video games. Get some good kills.

MATT
Good kills? There’s no such thing good kill. What the hell is that bullshit?

D. Challenge through Living Metaphor
– The rabbit that Jake shoots is a metaphor for the “other is enemy” that society chooses to accept in times of war
– Hunting becomes a metaphor for training young boys to accept that taking life is acceptable when the conditions are right.
– Drinking to drunkenness is a metaphor for self-medicating.
– Self-isolating is a metaphor for the separation between civilian life and post-combat life.
– Gavin, Jr.’s death is a metaphor for no way out of the squeeze between societal expectations and hidden realities of combat trauma (ptsd).
– The lighter that Claire gives to Stewart before he goes to basic training is a metaphor for their love for each other.
8. How are You Presenting Insights through Profound Moments?
A. Action: Stewart lights a cigarette and offers it to Claire. She gives him a look that says “you know I don’t smoke” and they both smile.
A. Insight: They have a history of love that is not only burdened by war and separation but also by good-natured fun.

B. Conflict (uncovers a secret): Matt gets away from the party, crowds, and fireworks. Matt’s stress level is high. He goes to the place where Gavin, Jr died and replicates Gavin’s death ride, but brakes and skids to the edge of the ditch. Matt talks to the long-dead fellow soldier, “I understand why you did this,” and “I get it, this is an option.”
B. Insight (the stakes are raised) Until this point, we know Matt is trying to build a normal civilian life, but when he hits a wall at every attempt, this secret comes out.

C. Irony: Matt gives up and decides to end his life.
C. Insight: The BANG! That we think is the gun going off, is Stewart’s hand slamming against Matt’s window to stop him. The crisis is what helps Matt understand what Stewart has been sharing with him.

9. What are the Most Profound Lines of the Movie?
Pattern A: Height of the Emotion
Matt learns a hard lesson — Stewart describes for Matt how society no longer sees him as a person. He’s now a symbol of patriotism and country. “Out there, you’re not you. You’re a prop they use to feel patriotic. You’re no different than the flag plastered everywhere. You make them feel good about themselves.” Alternative lines: “Your service is to them and it has only just begun.”; “Once you understand how they see you, you’ll start to find your way.”

Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes — “Keep her safe, Stew.”
— In flashback, Stewart picks Claire up for prom. Her dad says, “Keep her safe, Stew. Get her home early.”
— After Matt’s birth, Stewart drops off Claire and baby Matt at her parent’s house, “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby. You’ll be safe here.”
— Claire, voice catching in her throat through sobs, “But our family. We need to stay together. We need you to take care of us.”
— Stewart continues, “Just for now. I need you to be safe… from me, Claire. From me.”

Another Pattern B: “Not Dead Yet”
— Matt opposes Sara’s party, “How can I celebrate when I have buddies who are dead?”
— Stewart describes to Matt that his friend Gavin died by his own hand. “That was no accident.”
— At some point after Stewart stops Matt’s attempt to die, “You’re not dead yet. You can still control how they see you. Once you’re dead, they got you.” (a work in progress)
10. How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?
A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly: Matt comes home as a returning soldier with the determination to “make it work this time.” He starts with this goal, loses it through the internal struggles he faces, and decides to take his life, but is stopped at the last moment, and he returns to his original goal with a very different mindset.
B. Lead Characters Ending Represents The Change: Matt represents the change from Old Ways to New ways most fully in the story. He comes home to and with the Old ways of thinking but transforms to the New Ways before he can survive.
C. Payoff Key Setups: Stewart, at the beginning is estranged from his son. Stewart believes this is the best way to keep from being a bad influence on Matt and to keep Claire physically safe from his sleep-thrashing. At the start, Matt seeks out Stewart’s help to find a way to stay at home. Stewart is reluctant but acquiesces to what Claire wants him to do even though it’s against what he sees as his better judgement. The advice Stewart gives Matt ends up with Matt in a world of emotional hurt and deciding to take his life. Stewart is the one, who at the end of the story, seeks out Matt to save him and this leads to their reunification.
D. Surprising, But Inevitable: Sara is deeply in the Old Ways but when Matt fights back against her plans, she tries to understand him better. Because she’s so deeply Old Ways, she’s unable to do what Matt needs from her, so she (the Betrayal Character) reverts to the Old Ways and tries to get Matt on board with her rather than try and understand the new ways. She tells Matt that, “Stewart has never been there for you. I have.”
E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line: I’m working on this. In an earlier draft, Matt succeeds in taking his life and the final scene is at night. We see Stewart at the fire pit burning the project that he and Matt were working on together. Claire arrives and approaches Stewart who tells her, gruffly, to, “Don’t.” His meaning is to don’t come over here as much as it is don’t try to get me to see your way (the way where she talked him into helping Matt). Claire stops in her tracks. She’s crying. She needs him more than ever. He turns his head to her, knows she’s in great pain, but tells her, “Just go.” In the background, fireworks are going off over the treetops as the crown celebrates the Fourth of July.
With Matt surviving, I think maybe Stewart and Matt could be at a Veteran’s Support Group. (This is an ending similar to the end of Traffic.) With Stewart and Matt sitting next to each other, we could hear, but not see, another veteran trying to explain the same challenges that we saw Matt go through. The words come slowly and inadequately. This story is not just about Matt.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Specialty — Drama

Second film: What I learned doing this assignment is how interconnected all of the scenes are when the story is well-written. Trying to tease out only the “relevant” scenes is tricky because they are all relevant to the purpose of the story. The more focused I get on a particular detail (character development, dialogue, etc.) the more tightly the whole fits together. It seems as if not one part can be taken; there’s no wasted movie time. I also learned how much I enjoy the drama genre when it is produced as well as this story.

Genre: Drama
Title: Spotlight
How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Purpose — To show how challenging it is for investigations to take place when reporters (the little guy) goes up against the establishment (the monied, powerful institutions).

Character-Driven Journey — Robby is the character that represents the attitude where people doing their job do it poorly. Robby missed the pedophile priest story seven years earlier, but he’s the strongest proponent of getting it right. He meets with great pressure to drop it. He’s a local boy who made good. His friend in the archdiocese, Pete, argues for Robby to leave it alone. “People need the Church,” says Pete. Robby hits back with, ”Here’s how it happens, isn’t it Pete? One guy leans on another, and suddenly the whole town just looks the other way.“ Pete keeps pressing and points out that Baron is just making his mark and will move on in a couple of years. “Where’re you gonna go?” Robby follows up to tell Pete they’ll need a statement by the Cardinal. Robby admits to the investigative team that he himself dropped the ball years earlier.
High Stakes Come from Within — Robby journeys from not realizing how he was part of the system that kept the abuse story hidden to being the most determined to get the story complete and correct. He’s in a position where is friends are the people who he must pressure the most to get the investigation complete.

Emotionally Resonates — Mike is the character to gets most emotionally hyped up by the investigation. He argues too early that the story needs to run. Robby argues back that it’s not time. Abuse victims are shattered all these years later. Mike and Sasha’s spouses don’t’ like how much their partners are working.

Challenging, Emotionally-Charged Situations — “Baron told us to get Law. We got Law,” but is corrected that Baron wanted to get the system. The nuance is important and repeated in the film. The former priest said even though he molested boys, he didn’t rape them. He said he didn’t do anything wrong because there’s a difference between what he did and what rape is. Mike’s seeing Cardinal Law as “the system” was also skewed.

Real-Life Situations — This is a true story so the movie, based on real events, reveals the investigation by a team of Boston Globe reporters – Spotlight, a four-person investigative team – that uncovered the allegations of child abuse in the Catholic Church and a decades-long coverup to hide wide-spread cooperation to keep the abuse hidden.

Outline of the movie, highlights that fulfill the genre:
Father Geoghan has been arrested (or detained) and sits in the police station. The police chief does not expect an arraignment.
At the paper, a boss retires and a new one, Marty Baron from Florida, will be there the following Monday. This new boss, expecting to make some cuts while focusing on “finding a way to make this paper essential to its readers.” Spotlight is Walter “Robby”, Sacha, Mike, and Matt.
Baron wants to get a new story for Spotlight and brings up the Father Geoghan story that the Cardinal found out 15 years earlier. The reluctant staff believes it’s a story that won’t go anywhere. An attorney is a “crank” and records are “under seal.” Baron presses on, “but the fact remains, a Boston priest abused 80 kids.”
Baron says it seems like an essential story. The staff pushes back. But, a young reporter is excited about the opportunity. At a meeting, Baron wants Spotlight to set aside the current project and work instead on investigating the abuse story.
Spotlight reporters know they must be discreet.
Baron meets with the publisher and is met with resistance at every level. The investigation gets started.
The “crank” and overworked attorney is suspected to be bluffing. He was threatened with being disbarred.
Spotlight quickly begins to see how many stories there are related to abuse stories. More priests are discovered. The young reporter, Mike, is threatened with being pulled off the story if he doesn’t find something “solid.”
Walter, senior editor of Spotlight, also gets pushback from those he talks to who think he should just drop it. But he talks with Mike and says they need to keep digging. The pushback makes him think there’s more to uncover.
Baron meets with the Cardinal. The Cardinal starts “working” Baron to get him into the fold of the local powers. Baron reminds him the paper needs to stand apart. The Cardinal gifts him a Catechism book.
Spotlight interviews a survivor who is also the head of SNAP, an organization, Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. He gave full cooperation to the investigative team. He gives them the key to how the priests had such power over the kids by grooming them for the abuse. He has a lot of information about how big this scandal is.
Mike goes back to the attorney and begs to talk to some of his clients who are victims of abuse. The attorney finally agrees. Sacha also meets with a victim. They learn details about the abuse and grooming for abuse.
While the powerful discourage pursuing the story, the victims want them to keep going and “get these assholes, will you?” Mike learns that Patrick is one of the lucky ones because “he’s still alive.”
Mike talks to a Richard Sipe, a psychotherapist who worked at a priest treatment center. Sipe’s research suggests this is “big” enough to be a recognizable psychiatric phenomenon. Based on his research the number of priests involved should be much higher than the team has uncovered thus far.
Spotlight’s boss starts to approve more investigations.
The initial investigative techniques are modified beyond interviews with victims to looking through historical documents and directories. They find many more priests who could be abusers based on the way they were classified by the archdiocese. Not just 13; closer to 90.
Baron pushes to research the system rather than priests. That’s the bigger story. They continue to gather testimonial evidence regarding priests as they work to find if the scandal was handled in a top-down manner.
As the investigation reveals more evidence, the scandal climbs higher and higher up the hierarchy of the Church. At the same time, as the investigation goes higher up the, the pressure to leave it alone gets more personal. At first, they know “the Church” will fight back, but later in the investigation, when the story is closer to getting printed, friends in high places want the story to go away.
Multiple important stories surface. Sacha talks to a former priest who admitted to abusing children but claimed he never raped anyone. He was, in his mind, doing his job. This is a line of dialogue that comes up multiple times in different incarnations; a reference to “good Germans” and lawyers “just doing their jobs” in reaching deals with the archdiocese.
One lawyer, Garabedian, helped Mike understand how the legal system works in order to make public some sealed documents (that have gone missing because the Church removed them from the public files), but also tells Mike that he could request those documents be resubmitted and he, Garabedian, must refile them. These documents would be big!
Then 9/11 happens and the investigation goes on hold. The insert the Cardinal’s speech to inspire the nation to “that our response to this might reflect the best ideals of our nation.” This Cardinal, Cardinal Law, is the top of the system Spotlight is investigating.
Because of the hold on the investigation, some of the victims lose faith in the investigation and believe it will just get dropped.
The team, after many weeks, does get back to investigating their story. Sacha discovers a clip from seven years ago in the Boston Globe where a story of more than 20 priests ran in the paper and was not picked up for follow up investigation by Spotlight. “Robby” is stunned.
Robby and Sacha investigate the catholic school and a priest that coached the hockey team. He brings the story closer to home. The school lawyer downplays the story, but the current school President said that if he were in charge then, he would have known. The story Robby tells is of how he and the schools lawyer played on sports teams for the school. He says the just got lucky because the priest he was asking about, didn’t coach their teams. The student “Robby” talked to broke down in tears after so many years of silence.
The team finally gets the sealed documents that were made public through legal motions. They know that Cardinal Law knew all along. Mike demands the story be published. Robby declines at this time. “We got Law!” but is reminded that this evidence is only Cardinal Law covering for one priest. They need more.
Robby goes to Jim, one of the lawyers who defended the Church’s interests, and presents him with a list of 70 priests they suspect of being abusers who the Church protected. Jim tells him to get out of his house. But Jim follows Robby to the street and gives confirmation that all 70 are priests who were involved in the scandal.
Robby admits that the paper had enough pieces of the story seven years earlier and that they should have caught it earlier.
Cardinal Law calls Baron to say the he will not be commenting on the story.
The story runs.
More victims call the paper. The story explodes in breadth.
Statistics of how wide the scandal was are superimposed on black at the end of the film. While the team first focused on seven victims, they uncovered over 1000 victims in Boston alone, 249 priests and brothers were accused of sexual abuse in the Boston Archdiocese far exceeding the estimate of 90 based on statistics, and the systemic abuse was international in its scope.
Cardinal Law resigned and was reassigned to one of the highest-ranking Roman Catholic churches in the world.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Specialty — Drama
What I learned doing this assignment is how interconnected all of the scenes are when the story is well-written. Trying to tease out only the “relevant” scenes is tricky because they are all relevant to the purpose of the story.
Genre: Drama
Title: The Hurt Locker
How it delivered on the genre conventions:
Purpose — The story’s purpose is to show that the rush of combat is addictive and is told through the character of Sgt. James who is a bomb technician.
Character-Driven Journey — James replaces a bomb tech who was blown up and joins a unit that is nearing the end of their rotation. James is not liked at the beginning as he takes on excess risk for the unit and support teams. His unit learns that James is very highly skilled. James comes to care about others. The unit bonds. One of them gets injured and accuses James’ search for an “adrenaline fix” of being the cause. His journey goes from being an all-business, unlikeable, arrogant character to a man how doesn’t know why he is the way he is.
High Stakes Come from Within — Unit cohesion and teamwork is what keeps them alive. Literally. James, right from the start, changes the whole idea of what that cohesion looks like. James’ skill ups everyone’s efforts and the fear of death is greater for each individual man in the unit and what James demands from them is greater as well.
Emotionally Resonates — It’s easy to like Thompson, Sanborn and Eldridge right from the start. The unit at the beginning jokes with each other, takes safety as seriously as they can in combat while showing proficiency in their duties. When Thompson dies, it’s a major loss. The replacement is not jibbing with the existing team (we’ve all been there) and the unit must learn to work together. The danger feels very real. The visuals in the seem very life-like and the danger feels close. Any of them could die at any time.
Challenging, Emotionally-Charged Situations — James, with each mission, challenges the unit in new ways. He pushes them to the very edge of their performance capabilities and beyond the safety measures they’ve been using. Each mission pushes another nerve.
Real-Life Situations — This film was released in 2009 when the “War on Terror” was in full swing in Afghanistan. Soldiers were being blown up by IEDs. A soldier’s experience of combat and trauma are portrayed through the lens of “addiction to the rush of combat” in a manner that is gritty, human-centered, and in a manner that attempts to show why soldiers return to battle when their time is served.

Outline of the movie, highlights that fulfill the genre:
The film starts with a superimposed quote: “The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug.” It sets up a particular perspective.
The risk of death for the IED team, made up of Thompson, Sanborn, and Eldridge is set up in the first scene when the rather likeable Thompson dies in an explosion. The stakes are high. Death is very close.
Thompson is replaced by, Sgt. James, who is markedly different than Thompson. “I’m not trying to fill his shoes or anything. You know, I’m just going to do my best.”
Superimposed — Days Left in Bravo Company’s Rotation: 38
James is more plugged into the job than the people of his unit.
The first assignment together he skips using the robot to check out the situation at the unit’s first assignment together and chooses to approach the bomb wearing the bomb suit. James ignores the shouts of other soldiers when a car speeds up to him. He handles it himself then continues with the bomb. He disarms one, only to discover a wire that leads to six more. On onlooker rushes down from a roof vantage point and meets James at the street. James smiles and shows him the detached detonator. The man was rushing to manually detonate the multiple devices but James beat him in the race to detonate vs explode. The two come face to face. James smiles and shows the man the deactivated detonator. He knows he’s battling people, not just devices.
And angry Sanborn asserts safety protocols for missions. James dismisses the worry, “It’s combat, buddy.” Eldridge and Sanborn count the days to the end of the rotation. “38, if we survive today.”
James likes a boy who is hustling and selling DVDs and buys from a local vendor.
Superimposed — Days Left in Bravo Company’s Rotation: 37
The next mission has James taking the suit off in order to defuse the bomb. The suit wouldn’t protect him anyway. “If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die comfortable.” He’s unfazed by the challenge of this task. It’s a difficult technical task and takes longer than Sanborn is thinks is safe. James removes his headset. Onlookers are signaling each other. James neutralizes the bomb at the last second.
Sanborn punches James, “Never turn your headset off again.”
A commander shows up. He’s tickled by James’ “wild man attitude.” Asks and learns that James has disarmed 873 disarmed bombs. The Commander is impressed my James.
James meets the boy again. Plays some soccer with him.
Superimposed — Days Left in Bravo Company’s Rotation: 23
The team is blowing up ordinances in the desert. James pauses their action to retrieve his gloves from the blast sight. Sanborn leads a discussion with Eldridge about killing James. They don’t.
Returning from the ordinance disposal, the team comes across a British team. They all get pinned down by snipers. Three of the British soldiers are killed. Sanborn takes over on their sniper rifle, James joins him on the ridge to help target the guys shooting at them. It turns out that James can work very well with the team. Eldridge is beginning to admire James when he helps Eldridge perform better. James also offers hydration support for Sanborn.
They roughhouse around back at base. James takes it too far. But they get past it. Sanborn and Eldridge find a stash of bomb components. It’s a box of stuff that almost killed me. James explains he likes to hold things that almost killed him. The men bond as the reformed unit.
Superimposed — Days Left in Bravo Company’s Rotation: 16
The Doc who has been counseling Eldridge comes along on a mission. Eldridge suggested he do so to “see what we go through out there.” The mission is to pick up unexploded ordinances from a building. The team clears the building and finds where the bomb-making was being done. The find a body-bomb. The body looks like the DVD kid. James gets emotional (angry/frustrated) over the dead kid. His team thinks it “weird” that James reacted the way he did. James seems human.
Meanwhile, Doc is outside trying to get locals to move their wagon away from the site. When they do, Doc steps over to where the wagon was an is blown up. Eldridge has an emotional crisis. He invited Doc to come along. James is the one to calm him down.
James calls his ex-wife that night but doesn’t talk. He hangs up.
James goes to the DVD vendor and tries asking about the kid. James hijacks the vendor for a ride to the kid’s house. On his own in the city, James is on an AWOL, solo mission to look for whoever turned the kid into a bomb. Instead, he enters the house a family and scares them. He runs off and causes chaos to get back onto base. He lies about where he was. Got back just in time for a night mission to an explosion in the Green Zone. James evaluates the site. He’s back in his combat stride.
James develops a mission for the team to go look for a possible trigger man. James and Sanborn clash over the idea. Eldridge wants to go. Eldridge gets taken by insurgents. James and Sanborn pursue them, catch up, kill the kidnappers, and rescue Eldridge. Eldridge is seriously wounded.
In the morning, the DVD kid runs up to James. He’s surprised to see the kid. James just walks away.
Sanborn and James go to see Eldridge off to a hospital. Eldridge is angry at James for putting the team at risk “to get your fuckin’ adrenaline fix.” James seems to be impacted by Eldridge’s anger. He appears to feel the weight of Eldridge’s anger and does not reply to it. He seems to just bear the weight of it.
Superimposed — Days Left in Bravo Company’s Rotation: 2
The next mission is a man strapped with a bomb. James plans to put on the suit and approach the man to disarm it. Sanborn says he doesn’t need to do this. James turns the words around, “That’s why they call it a suicide bomb, right.” The man pleads for help. James comforts him. This mission is impossible. The bomb is on a timer. There’re too many parts to it. James has to abandon the man. He apologizes before leaving him. James runs but is caught in the blast (much like Thompson was at the beginning) but survives with only minor injuries.
Sanborn asks how James can take the risk. James doesn’t know.
Their rotation completed; James is back home. He’s out of place in the grocery store. Can’t sleep. Helps his ex-wife make supper and talks about a deadly mission. She doesn’t want to hear it. Talks with his young son about caring about things and how as you get older, you come to realize that when you once cared about many things, you get to a point where you really only care about one.
Helicopters land and James steps out to start a new rotation with a different company.
Superimposed: Days left in Delta Company’s Rotation: 365
James walks away from the viewer down a street wearing the bomb suit. He’s in his element. To deliver on the purpose of the story, James is addicted to the high-intensity rush of combat. It’s the “one thing” that he’s learned he cares about.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Assignment 1 — Subject line: Diane’s Height of the Emotion

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can see how these relatively simple ideas could be built into deeply meaningful sequences.

1. Claire’s gift to Stewart — Claire gives Stewart the gift of an engraved Zippo lighter just before he’s deployed to Vietnam. She says through tears, “To remind you of me every day. Until you come home.” He replies with, “Come on, girl, I don’t need reminders.” They are teenagers at this point. Stewart keeps this lighter with him all of his life. Alternate lines: “I don’t need a token to remember you. I live for you.” Or, he jokes, “I wouldn’t ever forget you. This will remind me to smoke though.” Or, “You hold it for me. Give it to me when I come home to you.” Or, “I love it. (kisses her) I love you more.”
2. Jake kills the rabbit —The moment when Jake shoots the rabbit then runs to retrieve his game. He sees the wounded and suffering mother, tries to comfort her, but she struggles to get away, and he watches as she dies. He’s shaken by this event. My current dialogue is a bit of a hodge-podge, but the grandfather points out that, “It’s a good kill, Jake. It’ll make a good trophy pelt.” Jake is horrified, “But I killed a mom. What about her babies?” Alternate lines: “I killed her. For real.” (voice catches in his throat) “She’s dead and I killed her.”; (shaking off his horror for fear of being teased) “Wow, I guess. I got it.” (shudders); (gives the rifle to Cole) “Here. I don’t want this. You go.”
3. Matt learns the hard way — Stewart describes for Matt how society no longer sees him as a person. He’s now a symbol of patriotism and country. “Out there, you’re not you. You’re a prop they use to feel patriotic. You’re no different than the flag plastered everywhere. You make them feel good about themselves.” Stewart learned this the hard way and warns Matt that his own view of himself is not aligned with how society/others see him. While this is confusing to Matt and he’s hesitant to believe Stewart, thinking him a bit over-dramatic (an Old Way perspective), Matt tries to reintegrate as his new self and finds that others want him to get back to his old life. Finding this frustrating, he returns to Stewart somewhat embarrassed that he did the same to Stewart by not taking his advice seriously. Alternative lines: “Your service is to them and it has only just begun.”; “Once you understand what you are to them instead of who you are to them, you’ll start to find your way.”
4. Sara demands Matt to commit to the Old Ways — After Matt doesn’t get in touch with his wife, Sara, on his drive home, when he does see her, their greeting includes the standard hugs and happiness to that he’s back home. Sara then shares that she planned a party for him and all of their friends will be there. She says, “So now we finally be a normal family.” Alternate lines: “You’re not in the war anymore. Forget all that and be here with us.”; “Come on Matt, how are we going to get back to a normal life if you’re all moody all the time? Snap out of it.”; “I don’t even want to know what your dad says. I don’t want you living out in the middle of woods away from your me and your son.”
5. Stewart stops Matt from ending his life — Matt has left the party, left the fireworks show, visited the deadly crash site, been met with resistance to his changed self, and has found a quiet place of solitude and peace in the woods (ironically, the same hunting place where Jake kills the rabbit). Matt’s been drinking beer he brought with him. It’s been a long night. In his pickup are the medals he’s earned during his time in the field. He peruses them. On his phone, he looks at photos of fellow soldiers. Not all of them survived. His father’s words ring in his ears, “Your service…has just begun.” In this quiet place, he hears a gunshot nearby. It shocks him. He drinks from another beer can. It’s empty like the others. His gun is there too. He takes it, holds it to his head, then BANG! But Matt opens his eyes, the sound was Stewart’s hand slamming against the window. As the script currently is, neither speak, but an alternative way of saying the earlier line could be: “This won’t end anything.”

Assignment 2 — Subject line: Diane Builds Meaning with Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is a means of building the steps to deeper meaning of otherwise seemingly uncomplicated dialogue and the way to do it is to play with, really play with the words. Don’t just take what spills out first as what will work best.

1. “It’s a good kill, Jake.” The elder hunter to Jake.
— Jake and Cole tease each other about who will get the first rabbit kill on this hunt and liken the hunt to their computer games, Cole to Jake, “But I won the last fight with way more kill points than you.” Jake, “I’ll beat you next time.”
— Elder, “Quite boys, you’ll scare the game away.”
— The boys look at each other, laughing at the idea, “What’s that mean? How do you scare a game away?”
— Elder, “I’m talking about the rabbits. We call what we hunt ‘game’ like deer or bear or other animals.” The boys listen to the teachings. They shrug and the weird word usage.
— Cole, “So we kill the game?” Elder responds, “Sort of. You’ll get used to it. Just takes practice.”
— Elder, “Cole, you shot last time. You’re up Jake.” (aims the rifle at a rabbit on a log) Jake shoots it, runs to gather this kill, he’s shocked by his deed but fears ridicule to “man up” or “don’t be a sissy.” Jake looks over the log and yells back to the others, “I got it. I killed it.” But it moves, to himself, “Oh no, it’s not dead.” He grapples with the suffering he caused. The rabbit dies before him. The others congratulate him. He shakes it off and figures it’s good to kill game.
— Later, after Jakes dad, Matt gets back, Jake wants to play computer war/combat games with him. Jake is playing and taunts his dad to come play with an excited, “Look, Dad, I killed twenty of ‘em. Good kills, too. C’mon, it’s your turn.”
— “Good kills?” Matt’s anxiety spikes in response to his son saying that. Being quick to anger, Matt says “There’s no such thing as a good kill.” Turning to Sara, “Where did he get that from?”
The arc: kills goes from a fun thing to a horrific thing to a learned acceptance thing to an unacceptable thing.

2. “Keep her safe, Stew. Get her home safe.” Claire’s dad.
— In flashback, Stewart picks Claire up for prom. Her dad says, “Keep her safe, Stew. Get her home safe.”
— After Matt’s birth, Stewart drops off Claire and baby Matt at her parent’s house, “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby. You’ll be safe here.” She protests, but he continues, “Just for now. I need you to be safe.”
— Claire reasons with Stewart that Matt and Sara and Jake need a home “Where they can raise their family. The house where Matt grew up. Where he feels safe and can pass than on to Sara and Jake.”
— (In the version where Matt dies) Stewart says to Claire. “I couldn’t keep you safe. I couldn’t keep Matt safe. I never should have questioned my judgement and put you two at risk.” And then, “Just go.”
The arc: The “keep her safe” goes from an assurance that Stewart will keep her safe whenever she is with him to eventually believing that she is only safe from him when she is not near him.

3. “He’s not responding to any of my calls or texts.” Sara to Claire.
— Claire to Sara “What did he say about the party you’re planning? You did tell him, didn’t you?”
— Sara in reply, “Of course not. He didn’t want to hear anything about a party.”
— Claire to Sara, “Are you sure he wants the party?”
— Sara: “No, he just changes the subject. But, come on, this is what he needs. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
— Claire: “If you don’t listen to what he says, maybe he doesn’t bother to respond.”
(This could turn ugly between Claire and Sara.) Matt’s lack of response to Sara at first is a mechanism to give himself time to get ready to get home. It changes into what looks to her like defiance of her wishes when he tries to explain that he needs something different from her this time back. It changes again to believing if he is dead (how less responsive can on be?) then he’s free from the conflict between Old and New ways. It changes again when Stewart finds Matt and prevents his death to learn that how he responds to life back at home will allow him to respond to life’s challenges and death will take that agency from him.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane’s Credibility is Going Up!
What I learned doing this assignment is: I’ve got some work to do.
Credibility Checklist:
1. Your Writing Sample
I have two feature-length screenplays and some shorts that I could revise to be strong writing samples in the drama genre.

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments
In feedback from a contest entry, I was told: These will be “must get” roles.

3. The Google factor

My Ph.D. dissertation shows up: “Veteranness: Representations of Combat-related PTSD in U.S. Popular Visual Media” where I examined combat-affected veterans in film (and other popular media).

4. Your Network
My network of producers, at the moment, is under development.
I have a cousin who is a writer-director of a Drama/Thriller film that has gotten some traction in festivals and is streaming on tubi and PrimeVideo.
I have a distant cousin who is rather famous but distant. Distant.

5. Education specific to screenwriting
I expect to earn at least two ScreenwritingU Certificates within a month.

6. Borrowed Credibility
In development.

7. IMDB Credits
None at this time.

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:
Coursework toward my Ph.D. included studying film as studies in representation and culture.

My credibility, at this time, is not strong. However, this is absolutely possible for me and everyone else in this course.

[Diane Keranen]

Assignment 2: Improving Your LinkedIn Profile

Subject line: Diane’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s a bit nerve-wracking to start a new career. My profile, for now, looks pretty bare, but with some proper attention, it should shape up.

The instant improvements I made to my LinkedIn profile:
1. I highlighted the items that give me credibility as a screenwriter in the drama genre. I changed my Headline to “Screenwriter.” Because I’ve not been paid to write a screenplay, it felt weird to do so, but when I was teaching at an engineering university, the engineering students, even the first-year students were already introducing themselves as engineers. At first, it seemed a stretch of the imagination, but I can see how their faculty would want them to start seeing themselves as engineers. I want to see myself as a screenwriter even if all of my experience to date is spec writing piling up in my computer files.
2. I hid my work experience that is not screenwriting related, so I hid many years of teaching writing and composition at the university level so my profile is less cluttered with the “Old Ways.” (See what I did there?)
3. I’m combing through and making sure my contact information is correct with the email that I currently use (instead of a residual university email or other non-professional email).
4. I’ve edited my education to highlight how my graduate work was film-related and looked for typos to correct.

My plan for the next 30 days to improve my credibility on LinkedIn:

1. I did get some positive feedback from a contest, but I’m not sure where to put that or how I might integrate it. I’ll look into that. I seem to recall in the past I was able to upload my C.V. and my Teaching Philosophy as PDFs, so I need to look into what changes LinkedIn made to that feature because I would like to upload a short writing sample if possible.
2. I need to begin developing a network of producers.
3. I would like to exchange recommendations and endorsements with others in this class. My LinkedIn profile is at: http://www.linkedin.com/in/diane-keranen-4b61a3115 so if you endorse me, I’ll endorse you and if you recommend me, I’ll recommend you. The recommendation requires reading your assignments, so I will happily do that.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane Delivers Irony!

What I learned doing this assignment is that a scene can be more powerful when the opposing elements are close together. In one scene on one draft, not included below, I have Claire and Stewart finally standing close together with Claire leaning into Stewart that he does not move away from (up until here, he keeps from touching her). Just then, a car arrives with news about Matt’s death. It’s not an irony bit, but it’s a moment of contrast. I can use more of this.

Five ways I can create irony in my screenplay and deliver an insight:

1. Insight: Combat-trauma is not fixed by a welcome home.
Delivery: Matt goes to the July 4 fireworks show with his wife and son. They are together at a celebratory event after this welcome home party. The crowds are close and excited. Matt lights a cigarette to calm down, his wife reminds him to take that away from the kids, so Matt walks a short distance away. A friend sees him and approaches, “Well, well, well, look who we have here.” The friend takes Matt’s hand into a handshake, “welcome home my friend. We wondered if you were going to make it out of Green Zone this time.” This draws the attention of others who also pour on the “welcome” with slaps on the back, handshakes, and toasts. Matt is being pummeled with attention he doesn’t want. He’s being touched and patted on the back. It’s too much. He looks for a way out to get away. The welcome home drives him away.
2. Insight: Killing is not game.
Delivery: Jake and Cole play computer war games and have a great time competing to see who can get more kills/points to win the game. When Jake kills the rabbit, referred to as “game,” he’s horrified that this mother suffered greatly by his actions and her babies will also die. Jake is introduced to hunting as a sport that requires certain skills and strategies, much like his gaming. However, real-life dawns on him when he himself inflicts real suffering that he can see in the eyes of the dying rabbit and how that horror ripples out to others. (This is also a metaphor: families are destroyed by honorable service in war.)

3. Build opposite experiences into my screenplay: Matt has a hard time believing what Stewart shares with him about post-war life.
Delivery: Matt argues with Stewart and instead tries to convince Stewart that his perspective (New Way) is corrupted by time and seclusion.

4. Insight: The celebration of freedom (this story takes place in the run-up to the 4th of July) comes a greater cost than a year or two of military service.
Delivery: The story includes scenes of buying fireworks and the kids’ excitement to use them, the pop-up firework sales tent in the parking lot of a furniture store offering “4th of July Super Sales” with big signs the inflatable attention-grabbers in red, white, and blue colors, a big welcome home party that was not wanted, Stewart’s isolation, Gavin, Sr. on display in a 4th of July parade float with other veterans from a care facility, flags everywhere from street lights posts to stickers, and more. The celebration is fun, yet veteran suicide is currently at 22 per day.

5. Build opposite experiences into my screenplay: Gavin, Jr.’s suicide is considered an accident.
Delivery: Gavin, Jr. had just left the bar where Stewart had been drowning his own post-war trauma. Gavin was not drunk or even buzzed when he leaves the bar and says good-bye to Stewart, with a “That’s it for me… I’m outta here.” After Stewart finds the wreck, these words hit him with their actual meaning. When asked by police if he though Gavin was under the influence, he could say something like, “He was. We all are.” But Stewart means the influence of combat-trauma not alcohol and refers to all combat-affected veterans and not only Gavin, Jr.

[Diane Keranen]

Subject line: Diane Delivers Insights Through Conflict

What I learned doing this assignment is that many of the conflicts in my screenplay are presented without enough clarity or conflict. I learned that when characters interact, we need to feel the conflict they feel on this transformational journey.

Five different ways I can use conflict to express an insight:
Step 1. What is the New Way / Insight you want to deliver?
The New Way is to respect the veteran’s combat-trauma can’t be ignored.
The insight is that combat-affected veterans can’t “get back to” their old life as it was because they know the horrors of war aren’t balanced by the celebration of honor/sacrifice/heroism.
Step 2. What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
Misunderstanding. Loss. Stakes raised. Argument. Plan goes wrong.
Step 3. Brainstorm ways you might deliver the insight through the conflict.

1. Angry Outburst: Conflict uncovers a secret — Ten-year-old Jake anticipates playing video war-games with Matt, his father, when he finally gets back from war. When Jake repeatedly asks Matt to play, Matt’s stress overcomes him and he yells at Jake, “Killing is not a game.” That’s a secret of the Old Way. Matt storms over and rips the game console and jams into the trash can. Jake, wide-eyed, takes it in. “No more of these games. Do you hear me?” (Jake could go different ways after this. He could consider the actual killing, like the rabbit he shot, is the not-a-game that Matt refers to and therefore more grown up and this could reinforce the Old Way; or, Jake could struggle with the difference between real killing, game killing, or killing altogether and continue a transformative journey to the New Way.)

2. Loss: Conflict brings out the true nature — Claire presses Stewart to fulfill his promise that they would live together again when the time was right. After 30+ years of trying to get back together, Claire demands that Stewart see how now is the right time. Her reasoning is that Stewart, who is uncertain that he can actually help his son, can help Matt have a home rather than the apartment they’ve been renting and she points out that the emotional hurt of being kept her at a distance is worse than any “what if’ risks Stewart insists upon. Their true nature is their persistent love for each other.

3. Stakes raised: Conflict uncovers a secret — Matt gets away from the party, crowds, and fireworks. Matt’s stress level is high. He goes to the place where Gavin, Jr died. Matt talks to the long-dead fellow soldier, “I understand why you did this,” and “I get it, this is one of my options. The stakes are raised because, until this point, we know Matt is trying to build a normal civilian life, but when he hits a wall at every attempt, his secret comes out.

4.Plan goes wrong: Conflict uncovers an emotional issue —One ending of this story has Matt taking his own life. Stewart and Claire have been getting closer as she is moving back to the cabin. After Matt dies, Stewart is at his woodshop burning the project he and Matt were working on together. Claire shows up at the cabin and approaches Stewart tentatively. He half turns to her and stops her in her tracks with a stern, “Don’t.” She pauses. He says to her in a no-nonsense tone, “Just go.” It’s a final emotional cut-off from the only other person he truly loves. The plan for Stewart to help his son has failed. He trusted Claire and now Matt is dead because he allowed himself to get close to his son. Stewart’s emotional fracture—initiated by untreated post-war trauma and the inability to reconcile the pre-war self and post-war self—is now complete.

5.Power struggle: Conflict brings out the true nature — Sara (Old Ways) and Matt (taking on the New Ways) get into a big fight about which way is best. Sara wants Matt to “forget about all that and leave it behind” so he can be good father and husband. Matt wants to work through the trauma so he can be a more genuinely good father and husband rather than putting on a façade of good-father just to check off the boxes of what Sara (Old Ways) believes should happen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Projects and Insights

What I learned from the opening video: Start with a specialty genre, write a great script in that genre, be an expert and be willing to be a better expert. Also, this is absolutely possible for me.

Two ideas I’m bringing to this class.

A. I would like to create an idea for a feature-length screenplay The Old Mistress about a female graffiti artist struggling to find her way who learns her great-grandmother was an artist who painted alongside the Old Masters but was forgotten to history by the patriarchy. (A bit of a feminist history drama.) $40-50 million.
B. A finished script I’ll bring is Lockdown Jury. The story is a story of legal injustice based on race and wealth. $30-40 million.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Seabiscuit Analysis

(Followed below by assignment 2)

What I learned doing this assignment is that if I can say it with actions rather than words, the moment will be more meaningful, more profound. Work to get the audience to feel the moments rather than only watch the moments.

At the beginning when the cowboy caught a wild horse. The thundering hooves and free-running, wild horses (a metaphor for free spirits) ended up with a captured horse. But, that doesn’t capture the free spirit. Later, he ponders the barbed wire that divided up the vast wild spaces.

The bicycle shop with no business. The seeming hopelessness of the broken Stanley Steamer with the parts all spread out. Despair inspired innovation.

The poetry read at the table. John (Red) remembered the line of the poem: “We never know how high we are / Till we are called to rise. Then, if we are true to plan / Our statures touch the skies.” While dialogue, it’s the action at the table that brings life to the words and sets up Red for later choices. He doesn’t remember what comes next in the poem, but the part he remembered and recited is telling.

The CRASH! on the sidewalk of the newspaper announcing the stock market crash. Highlights the struggle of times.

Red is generous. We see this when he gives is dad the $2 he earned while in the encampment.

Watching Red watching the jockey ride. He loved it. His parents left him with the stable and promised to come back. They saw this as Red having a chance at a future.

The fight on horseback when he first got hired. The stakes of losing are high. He must win!

When the young son takes the truck on his own with fishing gear. He crashes and dies. An interesting series of shots with the toy car crashed in the water, the Cracker Jack candy, and then the overturned tire of the truck the son died in.

The men on the train from different backgrounds all being moved like cattle.

I’m drawn to the powerful postures and gazes characters show. The way the Charles takes in the personality of “the greatest jockey” who arrives at the racetrack.

When Smith takes ownership of the wild white horse and comforts it. The small gesture of humane treatment the horse has probably not known.

Red’s memory of “There’s my hole, I got to fly!” in the conversation on horseback at the back of the pack. Combined with the gambler yelling “how do you miss a hole like that, are you blind?” and Red fully realizes that he is blind in one eye.

The growing crowds that come to see Seabiscuit run and the enthusiasm of the betters.

The humility that Smith pulls out when War Admiral is a “great horse.”

Howard’s frustration at not being the best.

Taunting by the War Admiral handlers.

Howard wants a matchup between War Admiral and Seabiscuit and musters support for it.

The challenge from Seabuscuit’s owner to War Admiral’s owner through the media.

Team War Admiral accepts the challenge. Seeing War Admiral is imposing. He’s big. And fast.

Smith develops some retraining to prepare Seabiscuit. They train him at night when the crowds are not there. Red, too, finds inspiration in the new training.

Red gets hurt “breezing” a different horse for a different trainer. Howard plays with his son’s toy. He’s at the precipice of loss again.

The little bits of interaction between Woolf and Red are a set-up for Woolf replacing Red for the War Admiral challenge race. Red shares that winning is in Seabiscuit’s heart. Tells him how to help the horse win.

When the bell rings and we fade to white to hear radio broadcasts of the start of the race.

When George “set him loose” because we were shown the details of how to win the race. We see the underdog win. We feel the underdog win. The nation feels the underdog win.

The injury to Seabiscuit. Red seems to know it as it happens even when he’s not at the race. His spirit and Seabiscuit’s spirit are the same.

The vet offers to “put him down” because Seabiscuit will never race again. Cut to…
Seabiscuit arriving back to the farm to be greeted by similarly lame Red.

Red notices Seabiscuit moving better and the go for a slow ride. They heal together.

Red’s eating changes. As a jockey, he ate very little. While healing, he ate a lot. After healing and riding, he started to eat very little again. This reflected his sense of returning to racing. Smith trains Seabiscuit again. Seems uncertain if the horse can pull out another round of successful racing.

There are a lot of brief profound moments in this movie, but the “big one” the Depression and the three “hero” stories told through the stories of Howard, Smith, Red, and Seabiscuit ties all of the small moments together. Every small moment is a akin to a brick in huge wall of emotion.

Profound Moments — Assignment 2

Jakes shock at realizing the hurt he caused by shooting the rabbit. This turns around everything he’s ever heard about hunting. When teased and challenged to “man up” he struggles with coming to terms with his reality and social expectations.

Claire gives the engraved Zippo lighter to Stewart as a gift “to remember me” just as he leaves for Basic Training. He keeps this lighter with him and the surface is dulled from his use of it and his running his thumb over the inscription. This lighter reminds us that he loves her dearly.

Stewart comes across his friend Gavin’s auto crash. While everyone believes it an accident due to driving drunk, Stewart knows this was intentional. Gavin wasn’t drunk that night. He was driven by ghosts from his combat past.

Matt’s anxiety grows with a series of triggers: the party, the people, the hero conflict, the firecrackers. He leaves and seeks solitude. This is what his father did.

Claire and Stewart (in flashback) try for a baby before he leaves for Basic Training. It doesn’t work, she doesn’t get pregnant. They end up not having a baby until several years after he gets back from war.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Brainstorming

What I learned doing this assignment is to be flexible on ideas and open to replacement ideas when the existing draft falls short. The challenges to the Old Ways are critical to the story and the metaphors can be simple yet powerful, indirect yet provocative.

Five “Should Work, but Doesn’t” Challenges:

1. In the Old Way, Jake plays war/combat video games. He plays them by himself and with his friend Cole (also 10) and can’t wait for his dad, Matt, to get home so they can play these shooting games together. Jake goes along with Cole, his father, and his grandfather to hunt rabbits. Cole gets a rabbit and is congratulated by the older men. Jake gets a chance to shoot and is very excited. He’s expecting to enjoy this. In his old way, he sees no difference between game shooting and real-life shooting. Jake shoots at and hits a rabbit and enjoys the praise from his friend and the men. The challenge comes when Jake runs to pick up his prize to find it still alive and suffering. He also sees that it’s a mother rabbit. Jake is traumatized by the brutality of it. It shouldn’t be this way. The Old Way, killing for fun/sport, is not acceptable to him. The praise he receives is a lot for the young boy to handle. When the others tease him for being emotionally affected by the killing, he forces himself to “toughen up” and not show that the killing has horrified him. This could play out with the Old Way no longer working for him and later he no longer likes to play war/combat games. He could worry that his father would see him as weak, perceiving this as the only way to move forward, and decides that someday he wants to be a soldier like his father. Therefore, this should work, but doesn’t.
2. In the Old Way, Matt would return from deployment but would feel out of place in civilian life so he re-enlisted for additional deployments. He served three tours in combat areas. This time, not only is he determined to not re-enlist but also the opportunities for combat soldiers are no longer there for him. The challenge comes when home life gets too be too much and he can no longer cope and the old ways of drinking, arguing, isolating are clearly going in the wrong direction. Matt must make it work with the New Way of seeking Stewart’s help to figure out a way to make it work here at home. This should work, but doesn’t. (When this New Way seems impossible to reconcile with the Old Way, Matt would consider a different way out which is to take his own life.)
3. In the Old Way, Sara would welcome Matt home without fanfare because he requested a low-key homecoming. She is also determined that Matt come home to his family and be a father and husband in normal civilian life. She figures that this time, the welcome home will be more like she believes is more appropriate for a returning soldier so she does it up big. That’s her New Way of welcoming Matt home. However, his combat trauma is overwhelmed by the party and the other 4th of July celebrations and this New Way does not work for Sara because Matt seeks solitude from the celebration and being the center of attention. The challenge is that she doesn’t understand his reaction. When he presents to her his New Way, she tries to understand his perspective. This should work, but doesn’t.
4. In the Old Way, Claire has been living in her parent’s house (they have since passed on) waiting for Stewart to decide “when the time was right” for her to move back to the cabin with him. She wants Matt, Sara, and Jake to have a home of their own. The challenge comes when she gives them her house (the one that Matt grew up in) so they can have a place to call home. She presses Stewart to accept that “when the time is right” is “right now.” Now she and Stewart make it work to live together again. This should work, but doesn’t.
5. In the Old Way, the townspeople thank Matt for his service (he nods in appreciation), and they toast his heroism and his patriotism. The challenge is that Matt does not feel like a hero, his sacrifice is broader than they are toasting, and he has vivid memories of the horrors of combat so the celebration feels ill-suited to his reality. He has friends who are disfigured, disabled, and some who are dead. Fates he was fortunate to escape. He fears his lasting trauma is a sign of weakness and he just needs to “toughen up.” This should work, but doesn’t.

Five “Living Metaphort” Challenges:
1. This one seems to be able to do double-duty. The rabbit that Jake shoots is a metaphor for the enemies society chooses to accept in times of war. The killing of that target and suffering Jake watched as the mother rabbit suffered and died, and her babies that will starve to death challenged Jake’s perception of the fun of shooting/killing/gaming.
2. Hunting becomes a metaphor for training young boys to accept that taking life is acceptable when the conditions are right. This plays out in the generational tradition of passing on this “skill” from grandfather, to father, and then on to son.
3. Drinking to drunkenness is a metaphor for self-medicating. Isolating is a metaphor for the separation between civilian life and post-combat life. This plays out in Stewart’s living alone in his cabin and Matt’s decision to have a few drinks before going to see his father. Both are taken to extremes when society has little room for combat trauma (perceived as weakness).
4. Gavin, Jr.’s death is a metaphor for no way out of the squeeze between societal expectations and hidden realities of combat trauma (ptsd). Gavin Jr. drives his car off the road at high speed. It looks like it could have been an accident due to intoxication, but Stewart knows that his friend did it on purpose.
5. The lighter that Claire gives to Stewart before he goes to basic training is a metaphor for their love for each other. Stewart keeps it with him all of the time. The inscription reminds him that he is protecting Claire while the lighter allows him to feel close to her.

[Diane Keranen]

1. Diane Keranen.
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. The entire text below confirms what I agree to.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi. I’m Diane.

I’ve written two feature-length screenplays that are being revised to add depth and meaning. I’ve also written several shorts and adapted a short story in the public domain.

My original career was in graphic design and I worked in that field for over 20+ years and still dabble in it. I don’t know that it’s particularly unique, but I’m in a career-changing mode later than many choose to make such a change. I earned graduate degrees in writing and taught college composition since 2006 (which overlapped my graphic design work) and I do need to work online due to the needs of my family. My fingers are crossed that I can create work opportunities as a writer that I can do remotely.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Counterexamples

Brainstorm at least 5 Question challenges and 5 Counterexamples you can put in your screenplay.

Old Way: Getting young boys interested in hunting/killing as part of a family and societal tradition.
Challenge 1: When Jake shoots a rabbit and is very excited and he runs to get it. He is traumatized by the damage he did to the bleeding and suffering rabbit that is still alive and wide-eyed with pain. Am I really expected to enjoy this?
Challenge 2: Jake touches the rabbit to comfort it, its reflexes jerk away from his hand. How can I fix this?
Challenge 3: The rabbit, when it writhes in pain, turns over and Jake can see that she is a nursing mother. This is not at all like shooting at paper targets. What unseen damage have I done?
Challenge 4: Jake is ridiculed for getting emotional over the rabbit’s suffering. He is pressed to “man up” and “get tough” by setting aside the suffering he knows he caused the mother and the fear he feels for the babies who will starve to death. “They are prey animals. They know the score,” he’s told by his mentors. Is that true? Am I over-reacting?
Counterexample 1: Jake later declines to play a favorite video war game with his friend Cole who teases Jake for not wanting to pick up where they left off. Killing in the game is not as fun as before.

Old Way: Husbands and fathers are family protectors.
Challenge 5: Stewart protects his family by keeping himself at a distance from them. He sees himself as a threat to them (based on violence aimed a Claire in his sleep). How can I keep my loved ones safe if I can’t control my fighting responses? What if I hurt those I love most? (But Stewart is focused on physical hurt and doesn’t acknowledge the emotional hurt.)
Counterexample 2: Claire and Stewart love each other and remain married even though they have lived apart since Matt was born.
Counterexample 3: Matt’s own combat trauma allows him to break down the distance barrier between him and his father. He understands why Stewart was a distant father and now that he understands his father better, Matt seeks to heal some past wrongs by confronting his father.
Counterexample 4: Claire decides it’s time for her to move back in with Stewart (a long denied promise) because she signs over her house to Matt and Sara to raise Jake in a real home where Matt grew up. Claire presses Stewart to acknowledge the emotional hurt they both struggle with. They can work on this together.

Old Way: Sara throws a party for Matt’s homecoming with lots of friends, plenty of red-white-and-blue decorations, some firecrackers, and other traditional noise-making activities and, of course, beer.
Challenge 6: Sara is throwing the party against Matt’s request and demands he fully attend and spend time with friends in a “normal” social setting appropriate that others can welcome him home. Why can’t you see that this party is bullshit? I have buddies who are dead and some who are maimed. How can you celebrate that? How can you expect me to?
Counterexample 5: Matt is serious about not wanting a party and leaves.

[Diane Keranen]

Assignment 9-2

Diane’s Old Ways Challenge Chart

What I learned doing this assignment is how difficult it is to articulate the ideas that I feel I understand but need to convey to others.

Old Way — Filters of Perception — Teaching boys to “man up” and “be tough” through the tradition of hunting/killing to see the target as acceptable to be killed or hunting/killing as a sport. A preparation for framing enemies during wartime as acceptable targets of killing. Ten-year-old Cole and Jake are pressured by father/grandfather hunting traditions to see them as honored traditions and as they are becoming men.
Challenging this perception — Teach that taking life should not be easy or sporting. Combat trauma is real and “manning up” or “toughing it out” will not make it go away.

Old Way — Social Values — Soldiers who return home after combat are now safe and can let go of whatever they went through. “Thank you for your service” brings the back into the fold. Let us now celebrate, wave the flag, and enjoy the fireworks.
Challenging these values— Combat veterans understand that the soldier cannot let go of their wartime experiences. The “thank you” is appreciated, but only touches the surface. What lies beneath is the engine that drives the combat veteran’s perspective and prevents a simple return home. The challenge arises when Matt must find his way in civilian life with combat trauma as part of who he is. His father’s advice, the way his friends react to him, and his wife’s betrayal are shown.

Old Way — Assumptions — You’re home. Let’s celebrate! Come on, pick up where you left off. Veterans from a retirement home/assisted living are presented on a parade float. We appreciate their service.
Challenging these assumptions — What exactly do we appreciate regarding their service? They are on display for what reasons? The combat-affected veteran is different now. Yes, he can celebrate, but there is so much loss associated with combat that is not fit for celebration. What they respect about their service does not translate into celebration.

[Diane Keranen]

Assignment 9-1
Diane's 12 Angry Men — Old Ways and Challenges

What I learned doing this assignment is that the challenges can be subtle. They accumulate. They don’t need to be in-your-face opposition to the Old Ways they can raise questions without criticizing and leave the option for the audience to consider the challenge.

Watch the movie 12 ANGRY MEN. As you do, fill in the Old Ways you see; using the chart, make a list of Old Ways for the movie — habits, assumptions, filters of perception, beliefs, social values, rules, etc. – and the Challenges presented to those Old Ways.

Old Way — The system is powerful and steadfast. This is shown by us looking up at the courthouse at the opening, the people are dressed up rather than in casual attire. The courthouse, and therefore the system, ought to be respected (the guard shushes the noisy group).
Challenges — The people are less powerful than the system. They are affected by outside forces like the heat and time taken from their daily activities. Even the judge seems bored by the process. We can trust the system, right? Eventually, the Old Way perspective jurors are shown to be as powerless as the defendant, but they grow to become powerful by taking responsibility for the way the system works. At the end, they take that power and leave the courthouse with it.

Old Way — The initial poll of the jurors at the start of deliberation is oral. There appears to be some “go along with the others” happening which could be social pressure to be a part of the stressed and impatient group who have just experienced six days of trial.
Challenges — One juror, just after the mid-point of this first poll, is an outlier. Up to him, everyone voted “guilty” quite quickly. How does one carefully consider the evidence so quickly in a complex case?

Old Way — Ridicule the outlier.
Challenges — Pushes back on the ridicule by pointing out the fact that they have time to examine the case. That is, after all, their purpose for being here. Does the ridicule seem just? Or is there another approach?

Old Way — First impressions greatly affect the judgment of the jurors. The formality of the trial, the prosecution's presentation of facts, and the apparent weakness of the defense lawyer all suggest, on the surface, that the case is a strong one.
Challenges — The facts, upon closer examination, seem to tell an incomplete story. How can incomplete evidence, a one-sided telling, be left unexamined?

Old Way — Racist assumptions. A, “You know how ‘they’ are…”
Challenges — Consider the reasons for differences between people because what we “know” might just be assumptions. Is what we &amp;amp;amp;quot;know&amp;amp;amp;quot; just what we expect is true or what we want to be true (the one juror used violence against his son and their relationship suffered greatly)?

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Profound Ending

What I learned doing this assignment is to show how the interactions at the beginning eventually transform into the transformed ending and that there will be several steps between the image at the start and the image at the end so the audience (whether the reader of the screenplay or the movie audience) doesn’t have to work, they just need to watch.

Design your ending to have a profound impact.

1. What is your Profound Truth and how will it be delivered powerfully in your ending?
Combat veterans struggle to see themselves as society’s idealized notion of “war hero” when the reality of combat and the trauma it causes is too often irreconcilable with life back home.

2. How do your lead characters (Change Agent and Transformable Characters) come to an end in a way that represents the completed change?
Matt chooses to end his life but is interrupted at the last second by Stewart. The challenges Matt faces increase his combat trauma (ptsd) as he discovers it’s not possible to challenge the Old Ways to successfully live in the New Ways once his wife does the betrayal. Having come to know Matt better, Stewart has an idea of where Matt went to find solitude and seeks him out which turns the tables and has Stewart now seeking out Matt who has chosen to stop seeking help. Stewart stops Matt from carrying out his plan to end his life.

3. What are the setup/payoffs that complete in the end of this movie, giving it deep meaning?
A) the setup of a desire to reconcile by Matt at the beginning pays off with Stewart’s desire to reconcile at the end;
B) the setup of Claire’s choice to pressure the unwilling Stewart to accept Matt’s effort to seek Stewart’s help pays off in that the risk she took in pressuring Stewart saves Matt’s life;
C) the setup of Stewart’s belief that his loved ones are protected from him if he keeps them at a distance pays off when Stewart figures out he’s the only one who can give both Claire and Matt what they need most a the end of the story because he decided to trust her request of him at the beginning.

4. How are you designing it to have us see an inevitable ending and then making it surprising when it happens?
The inevitable ending looks as if Matt will take his own life. He’s in his pickup in the location of solitude in the woods. He aims his handgun at his head. Then, BANG! But Matt’s eyes open when he sees a hand slammed against his window. The surprise is that it’s Stewart’s hand. Stewart saves Matt at the last possible second which we don’t see coming.

5. What is the Parting Image/Line that leaves us with the Profound Truth in our minds?

Stewart and Matt help each other (veterans helping veterans). The location of solitude where Stewart stops Matt from his final plan would be set against a backdrop of 4th of July fireworks to show that the healing from combat trauma happens (New Ways) if the veterans catch some lucky breaks that occur apart from the Old Ways of traditional, idealized ideas of war. (The other storylines would pay off before this final scene.)

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Connection with Audience

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’ve cut too many corners on what I’m “showing” in my screenplay and expect the audience to fill in the blanks. I need to fill in the blanks because they are there for the ride, not the work.

1. Tell us which characters you are going to INTENTIONALLY create a connection with the audience. I’m going to intentionally create a connection with the audience for the Matt, Stewart, Claire, and Jake characters.

2. With each character, tell us how you’ll use each of the four ways of connecting with the audience in the first 30 minutes of the movie.
Matt:
A. Relatability — He wants to come home to his family after serving his military duty. At the beginning of the story, he has arrived in the U.S. (Atlanta) and will be driving to the upper Midwest which will take a few days.
B. Intrigue — His phone call with Claire in Stewart’s presence, but he hangs up before talking to Stewart. His mother has just arrived at Stewart’s cabin when Matt calls her. She’s talking to him as she gets out of the car. Stewart reaches for the phone, but Matt disconnects before talking to his father.
C. Empathy — Because he’s returning from service, he needs time to decompress and the drive home gives him time to do that.
D. Likability — He’s served with honor. He has earned distinguishing medals. He is determined to stay home this time and be a husband and father.
Stewart:
A. Relatability — He’s in the process of selling a hand-crafted kayak. He’s a hard worker.
B. Intrigue — While he is rather stoic and disengaged with the buyer, he and Claire have “inside jokes” that they toss back and forth and that we “get.”
C. Empathy — We learn why he fears hurting his loved ones.
D. Likability — He wants to give Claire what she wants. He’ll do anything for her. We see that he loves her.
Claire:
A. Relatability — She’s kind-hearted and we see how she has become a “middle-man” between Matt and Stewart.
B. Intrigue — Why does she not live with her husband? She loves him as he loves her.
C. Empathy — She wants her husband and son to reunite and believes they have a good chance of doing so because they are both combat veterans. She also wants to remove the distance between her and Stewart and finally move back to the cabin.
D. Likability — She smiles easily and gets around Stewart’s distancing barriers in a friendly manner that they both enjoy.
Jake:
A. Relatability — He’s a kid excited that his dad is coming home. Jake can’t wait to play video games with Matt.
B. Intrigue — He’s young and lacks guidance on how to be with a father who has been so absent from his life so he ventures to figure that out for himself with the help of a friend.
C. Empathy — When he shoots the rabbit, he’s shocked that it didn’t die immediately. He’s stunned that he took the life of a mother in such a gory manner. He’s pressed to suppress his response to what he did by his elders.
D. Likability — His desire to get it right with his father keeps him moving from one strategy to another. He’s excited about the 4th of July celebrations and how he and his father can enjoy them together.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is to avoid rushing from the beginning to the end. Give the audience the “how I got from A to B” so they can not only watch the story but feel the story.

1. Tell us your Transformational Logline: A family struggling with generations of combat trauma welcomes home a soldier unsure of his future who must find a path from a war zone to a family home.

2. Tell us who the main character will be:
Change Agent: Stewart
Transformational Character: Matt

3. List out your Mini-Movie structure, (or whatever structure you’ve chosen) for your story.
MM #1 — Matt’s status quo is that he has been in the Army for multiple deployments to combat zones. This is a lifestyle he has grown accustomed to with the discipline of training and missions that gave even the toughest, most chaotic, and most traumatic days in combat a sense of predictability. Every time he completed a deployment, his return home was confusing and he felt somehow lost. He has re-deployed twice after failing to find his way back home. This time, he’s determined to make it work even though he doesn’t know how he will do it. — Stewart’s status quo is that he has managed to distance himself from the people he cares most about; Claire, his wife, and Matt, his son. Stewart is also a combat veteran. He lives alone in a cabin where he and Claire lived together until Matt was born. Stewart makes a meager living building wooden watercraft in his woodshop. His love for his family is expressed through his belief that they are better cared for by (protected from) him if he keeps them at a distance. — Matt and Stewart’s status quo is that they have been estranged due to dysfunctional family life rather than from direct conflict with each other. Matt has never lived with his father because the night he was born, Stewart, in a nightmare, war-trauma state, injured Claire which triggered the delivery of baby Matt. When Stewart picked Claire and baby Matt from the hospital, he returned them to the home of her parents out of concern that he could inadvertently hurt them. He promised they would be together again someday.

Turning Point: Call to Adventure — Matt plans to break through the barriers that Stewart has placed between them to learn from his father how to stick around this time.

MM #2 — Claire comes to Stewart to get him to help Matt. He resists because he doubts he do anything but cause harm. Claire persists and explains that Matt has a better understanding of why Stewart has been as distant as he has been and that Stewart is the only one who can help Matt find his way back to his wife and son. She believes that Stewart’s hindsight can help Matt avoid the distance with his son (Jake) that Stewart and Matt currently have (and have had) between them. Stewart thinks she is wrong. She ups the stakes by signing her house (passed down to her when her parents passed away) to Matt and Sara so they can have a home where they can raise Jake. She would then finally move back into the cabin with Stewart (the plan when he dropped her off).

Turning Point: Locked in — Hard pressed up against his reluctance but choosing to trust Claire’s judgment on matters related to Matt, Stewart agrees to try.

MM #3 — Matt, determined and with a plan to seek out his father’s advice drives for days to get back home. Once back to his hometown, he avoids going to see his wife and son. His nerves get the best of him and he gets drunk. A friend finds him and drops him off at Stewart’s cabin in the wee hours of the morning. He wakes up on a cot in Stewart’s woodshop while Stewart is working on a project.

Turning Point: Standard ways fail — Matt turns up at Stewart’s cabin ahead of when he chooses. He’s off his game and ill-prepared for this reunification and ashamed he arrived this way.

MM #4 — Stewart delivers a few harsh, yet fitting, “lessons” to survive a return to his home life. However, every “lesson” goes against every belief he has about returning and he believes his father is stuck in a dark place and doesn’t want to end up in that same place and discards his father’s insight. After leaving Stewart, Matt returns to his wife and son, he performs all of the expected behaviors his wife wants from him. He visits friends and does the same.

Turning Point: Plan backfires — Matt, although determined to change his ways, finds no footing with his wife and friends. He feels like a fake; like he’s pretending to be someone he’s not. He worries he’ll fail.

MM #5 —Matt takes his father’s advice to heart and tries again with his wife and friends and does and says what feels more genuine to how he had changed through his wartime experience. He goes at it with an “open book” approach. But he is treated as if he’s losing his mind and “will become a hermit like his dad” or is “stuck in the war” and should relax because “you’re home now, you can forget all of that.” The old way, the wife’s way, doesn’t feel right, but the new way, his father’s insight, is dismissed as irrelevant by his wife and friends. Both reactions to his war-changed self don’t feel right to him.

Turning Point: The decision to change — Matt is more confused and frustrated than ever. He returns to his father who imparts additional advice. Matt decides to try again. Try harder. His father’s insights on what failure could look like reinforces Matt’s determination. He shares with his wife, Sara, his need for her to recognize his changed self.

MM #6 —Stewart shares his failures and regrets. Matt sees a warning of what could go wrong by denying his war experiences as well as what could go wrong by being too open with those who have no frame of reference for how powerful his wartime experience is for him. Stewart includes the story of his friend who died in a car crash that Stewart believes was intentional.

Turning Point: The ultimate failure — Matt wonders if he can fit back into society or if he should bother trying. He visits the scene where his father’s friend died.

MM #7 — Matt reluctantly attends the welcome home party his wife planned for him, but Sara promises to make it okay for him and the guests who can’t wait to see him and celebrate his return. It takes place on the 4th of July holiday. The party is triggering for him. His combat trauma causes him distress. So many people. So much laughter. Why should he have a party celebrating him when his friends have lost limbs and lives? With every sparkly, bottle-rocket, and firecracker being shot off, his nerves frazzle more. It’s too much. He leaves the party. He drives to a place of quiet solitude. He understands why Stewart lived in the cabin in the woods. Solitude. He’s not a burden way out there. He is not burdened out there. He calls his wife. He needs her to listen.

Turning Point: Apparent Victory — Sara recognizes that the party was poorly executed. She agrees to learn about how he has been changed by combat trauma.

MM #8— He returns to his home (formerly Claire’s house) to build, however challenging, a life in society with his family as his center.

Turning Point: New status quo — Sara recognizes that the party was poorly executed. She agrees to learn about how he has been changed by combat trauma. Matt and Sara live in Claire’s house, the house where Matt grew up, to raise their family. Claire moves back to the cabin with Stewart (and their own set of challenges) and while it’s not a “happily ever after,” it’s a family reunification.

This could be an end for the “Apparent Victory” ending. The “Apparent Failure” ending would be Matt not surviving the return home.

Turning Point: Apparent failure — Sara recognizes that Matt believes the party was too much but believes he is wrong. She refuses to learn about how he has been changed by combat trauma and demands that he leave the war behind him, “this is home not war,” and he should simply return to family and be a good father and husband.

MM #8 — In this place of quiet solitude. Strewn about in his pickup are various awards for his service. There’s also the pistol (it’s introduced in an earlier scene). A post-war life? Or an escape of death? He calls his wife. He needs her to listen. She demands he come home. Sara finds it too difficult to challenge the beliefs of her friends and the community (She’s also a Betrayal Character). “All of this celebration of you being a hero is good for everyone including Jake” and “he’ll grow up with the values of respect for fighting for one’s country.” Matt must conform to the Old Ways or not. He chooses “not” and takes his own life.

Turning Point: New status quo — Sara is the grieving widow of a war hero. She accepts the role and is determined to raise Jake in the Old ways. Stewart, feeling betrayed by both Claire and himself for not getting Matt home safely, distances himself even more from Claire. He becomes even more “invisible” to society than he was before.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Three Gradients

What I learned from this assignment is to help the audience see how and why the character makes the transforming choices rather than simply that they make their choices by short-cutting the process where the choices may not make sense to the audience. This is what my screenplays (the ones I want to have a profound message) are missing.

I’m posting one Transformable Character study, but am doing this for all of the Transformable Characters in my story(ies).

1. What is the Emotional Gradient you’ll use? The Desired Change gradient.

2. For each emotion of that gradient, tell us the following: A. Emotion: B. Action: C. Challenge / Weakness: A. Emotion: B. Action: C. Challenge / Weakness: A. Emotion: B. Action: C. Challenge / Weakness: Etc…
A. Excitement: Excited to be leaving the military and returning to his family for good this time
B. Action: Returns home from final deployment; will seek Stewart’s (his father) advice
C. Challenge / Weakness: C—He’s been in the military for many years so “home” is unfamiliar / W—Out of step with civilian life

A. Doubt: Unsure if he can do this. He’s tried it before and failed so he re-deployed.
B: Action: Gets drunk before going to see Stewart; is actually dropped off by acquaintance and wakes up at Stewart’s place.
C. Challenge / Weakness: C—Has been estranged from Stewart for many years. / W—Unsure if this is a good idea now that he’s here.

A. Hope: Hopes he’s making the right choice.
B. Action: Accepts as valid the advice and strategies Stewart provides him.
C. Challenge / Weakness: C—To understand the differences between worldviews (Old ways vs New ways). W—Wonders if he can balance the two worlds

A: Discouragement: Encounters backlash from others.
B: Action: He tries to implement the strategies learned from Stewart, but his wife and friends push back against his efforts.
C: Challenge / Weakness: C—Finds it very difficult to be “heard.” / W: Impatience.

A. Courage: Recommits to see this return home effort through.
B: Action: Explores options for returning to civilian world. Seeks more advice.
C. Challenge / Weakness: C— Considers employing advice and strategies again. / W—Visits Gavin, Jr.’s “accident” site and understands how this can be an option.

A: Triumph: Decides living is better than not living.
B: Action: Demonstrates to Sara (wife) his two options and perspectives.
C. Challenge / Weakness: C—She’s reluctant to hear him out. / W—Fears he could fail.

I’ve not decided if Matt survives the story, so I also explore the “Loss” option.

A: Loss: Decides the worldviews are impossible for him to navigate.
B: Action: Distances himself from Sara and Jake (much as Stewart did) and friends.
C. Challenge / Weakness: C—Carries the burden of “reintegration” privately. / W—The burden is too heavy for him so he pursues a life-ending out.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Lead Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that my characters were far too undefined. They interacted but lacked a purpose that could show onscreen. It’s no wonder I was unable to get this screenplay to a satisfying state of completion.

1. Tell us your transformational journey logline — A family struggling with generations of combat trauma welcomes home a soldier unsure of his future who must find a path from a war zone to a family home.
Main characters in the four storylines:
Storyline 1: Stewart and Claire (in their mid-60s). Parents of Matt and grandparents of Jake.
Storyline 2: Stewart and Matt (mid-30s, he’s deployed or “re-upped” multiple times). Father and son (Jake is Matt’s son).
Storyline 3: Jake and Cole (10 year-old boys, best friends)
Storyline 4: Gavin, Sr. and Gavin, Jr. (Both combat veterans of different wars) Gavin Sr is an elder (late 80s) and Gavin, Jr. (Stewart’s best friend) dies by his own actions in mid-80s but is included in a flashback.

2. Tell us who you think might be your Change Agent and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role —
Storyline 1 (a dominant storyline): Claire is the Change Agent for Stewart. Claire envisions a world where Matt can rejoin his wife and son as a secure family unit and she and Stewart can finally get back to the married life they wanted when they first got married as young lovers before he went into the military. She pressures Stewart (a combat-trauma-affected veteran) to help Matt find a way to make a life that allows him to find success as a father, wife, and son. However, Stewart has not successfully done this himself, and Claire does not see this clearly because she has a good relationship with both Stewart and Matt even though she and Stewart have not lived together since Matt was born.
Storyline 2 (a dominant storyline): Stewart is the Change Agent for Matt. Stewart’s vision is adopted from Claire’s as he wants to give her what she wants because he loves her deeply even though he keeps himself at a distance (he doesn’t want to harm her due to his trauma reflexes which I could call PTSD but won’t… I want to show it rather that say it and I don’t want to diagnose him because veterans struggle differently with PTSD and I don’t want to suggest “this is what PTSD is like”). She is the most significant person in his life. While Claire pressures Stewart to do what he believes will not work, he agrees to try because she has been able to keep the relationships between her and Matt and her an him going through literal decades of hardship. He chooses to trust her judgement and reconcile with Matt to help him sort out his wartime past and family present.
Storyline 3 (a secondary storyline): Cole is a Change Agent for Jake. Jake envisions his father returning from deployment to their family where they can be a normal family. His mother is selling him this vision so he believes he can convince his father to stay home this time and not re-deploy. Cole “helps” Jake figure out a traditional “man’s skill set” in order to earn his father’s love and respect; somethings he believes he does not have.
Storyline 4: (a secondary storyline): Gavin, Jr. might be a change agent for both Stewart and Matt because his end-of-life event influences both of their survival options and choices. Gavin, Sr. might be a change agent for the overall story and the audience.

3. Tell us who you think might be your Transformable Character(s) and give a few sentences about how that character or characters fit the role —
Storyline 1: Stewart essentially chooses to be transformable. After living alone since his son was born, having a dysfunctional, estranged relationship with his son, he bends to Claire’s will to create opportunities to be part of his son’s future. Stewart also wants to give Claire what she wants from him (a return to a more emotionally and physically intimate relationship) even though he’s not sure he can give it to her.
Storyline 2: Matt is the transformable character. He wants to get his life “in order” so he can be a good husband and father. The pressures to change from returning soldier to the Old-ways-or-New-ways are confusing to him because they are in conflict with each other. Sara wants him to take on her worldview (Old ways) with a “you’re not in the war anymore, so shake it off and be a dad for Christ’s sake,” sort of perspective. Stewart’s agency points to a different way of being in the world (New ways) in which taking on the challenges of living with combat trauma is a through-way to a life he can find satisfying in a “you will always have the war with you, you can’t just ignore it” sort of perspective.
Storyline 3: Jake is the transformable character. He’s deciding for himself what changes he needs to make to “man up” and learns these indirectly, along with Cole’s help from observing social norms.
Storyline 4: (I’m unsure at this time, but Gavin, Jr might be a change agent for Matt who considers choosing the same “out” as well as Stewart who grapples with why he didn’t choose life-ending action.)

4. Tell us who or what you think might be The Oppression and give a few sentences about how The Oppression works in your story —
The Oppression is the romantic notion of war as something necessary for national security. It works by forming a type of mythic characterization of soldiers and veterans as having taken part in the patriotic act of defending the nation. This characterization doesn’t want to see these patriotic defenders of freedom as weak or damaged. They need to be seen as brave heroes. While it’s fair to recognize the bravery of soldiers, the combat soldiers who see themselves as human beings, and who saw the worst of the worst are those that have a difficult time characterizing what they did as honorable due to the atrocities they witnessed and were required to take part in. What I’m calling the romanticized notion of war is in conflict with human compassion which must be turned off in order to take part in combat. Figuring out how to live with both the realities of war and romantic ideas celebrated back home, is where the oppression works hardest. A choice is demanded.

5. Tell us who you think might be your Betraying Character and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role —
Storyline 1: Stewart could be a Betraying Character if, and I do mean “if” at this point, if Matt ends his own life. Stewart would then turn on Claire and remain alone in his cabin in the woods and commit to distancing himself further from her.
Storyline 2: Matt could be the Betraying Character if he takes his own life by deciding he’s not up to the challenge of finding his own way among the conflicting worldviews. Or maybe Sara could try to help Matt work with Stewart and then decide that new ways are too difficult to align with the rest of her worldview.
Storyline 3: Jake. His child’s level of maturity doesn’t allow him to understand the conflict between the oppression and what his father needs to figure out how to live his post-combat homelife. Therefore, he betrays his own desire to earn his father’s respect by “manning up” because he learns the romanticized viewpoint and this leaves him and his father at odds with each other.
Storyline 4: I’m not sure yet but this one may not have one.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’ve not been aware enough or attentive enough to how every important character is on a gradient journey. I was oversimplifying this process.

1. Tell us your logline for the transformational journey — A family struggling with generations of combat trauma welcomes home a soldier unsure of his future who must find a path from a war zone to a family home.

2. Tell us what you see as the Old Ways — A broad dominant practice of celebrating veterans of war without fully understanding the effects of trauma that lead to suicide. (I see this as a perspective that is well-intentioned and not at all intending to cause difficulty.)

3. Tell us what you see as the New Ways — War veterans are less a symbol of patriotism via a romantic notion of “soldier” and “war” and more respected as individuals who can, with proper assistance, overcome dramatic, combat trauma and rebuild (not return to) a worthwhile personal and family life. Ideally, reduce the number of veteran suicides (a silent, ongoing epidemic).

This is a start to clarifying the transformational journey of the overall story which I’m planning to tell through four parallel stories of different generations that show how young men (and women too) are taught from youth to acclimate to killing as an okay thing to do. One metaphor I use for this is hunting.

If I could, I would revise my lesson 2 in that the Entertainment Vehicle would be exaggerated as-it-happens as well as a story using an Entertainment Vehicle of metaphor.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s First Three Decisions
What I learned doing this assignment is to tell a story that resonates with audiences on a deeper level than the story itself. Much like the whole is greater than its parts.
1. What is your profound truth?
“Thank you for your service” is an ill-fitting tribute for combat-trauma affected veterans as it falls into a notion that overly romanticizes war and soldiering.
2. What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?
Think critically about what “sacrifice” means when we “appreciate the sacrifice of our young men and women in uniform.”
3. What is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?
Generational perspectives and stories. Three with an as-it-happens vehicle and the other with flashbacks (four generations presented in a structure similar to the films Crash and Traffic that use parallel stories.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Diane’s Analysis of Groundhog Day

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are so many instances that build to the final truth. I did not indicate, in my assignment, every instance of a reply to each question, but I expect to continue to work on searching for the many ways to develop the elements of this process.

1. What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?
The journey goes from being a phony persona full of bluff and ego to a genuine human who cares about others and wins the love of someone he admires.
For the audience: You can do this too.

2. Lead characters:
o Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?
Rita the producer—she drives Phil’s desire to be appreciative of sincerity
o Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?
Phil the weatherman
o What is the Oppression?
Mundane job and life (Phil’s attitude). He slides right into “the weatherman” persona that bores him and everything and everyone else bores him too.

3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?
The repeating day that surprises/confuses Phil, we wonder how he will respond to repeated events. Ultimately, we wonder if Phil the weatherman going to see his own dark attitude. He slides right into “the weatherman” persona that bores him and everything and everyone else bores him too. Can he break that habit?
Relatability: Jobs get boring. We can get overly identified with our jobs. We can feel underappreciated at work. We just don’t like everyone.
Intrigue: Reliving the same day. By repeat three, he can predict the day (maybe better than he can predict the weather his/our job). He doesn’t know how to break this trap of repeating days. Wonders aloud, “What would you do if you were stuck in one place and nothing you did mattered?”

4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion:
Old way: Phil hates that his tv persona is more exciting and appreciated than he is in his life. He can see he has no chance of Rita being attracted to him.
New way: By having genuine interest in others and compassion for other’s concerns, he becomes an interested and interesting person. And lovable.

5. What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
Action gradient: Phil first learns he has the chance to experience “no consequences” and does dumb things like punch Ned and drive on the tracks toward a train “I’m not going to live by their rules anymore,” he says. Smarts off to the police. Is happy to wake up on the same day again.
Psychological gradient: Egocentric Phil is aggravated by everyday things that happen to him. Learns Rita’s interests and likes and then tries to win her over. Kills himself over and over in hopes of ending this day from repeating. Tries to prove he’s “a god” to Rita. She tests his claim. After confessing his true feelings, the next repeated day he’s kind to others.
Emotional gradient: He enjoys it when bad things happen to others. He plays others for fools. He figures out he can learn about Rita in hopes of earning her interest in him. His efforts backfire and she suspects something nefarious in his part. He gives up and goes negative in his assessment of life. He feels this day is going to go on forever. He confesses his repeating day to Rita. He begins to regret that his expression of honest feelings for her will be forgotten on the next day.

6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
Phil’s egotistical comments are turn-offs to Rita.
He believes he might be able to win her affections.

7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?
His tired report of Punxsutawney Phil being a respected weather reporter.
The realization that the day repeats.
Coming to see that he can predict exactly what will happen.
Starts to learn what Rita wants from her life.
The drink ordering sequence of days where he relives and fine-tunes his interaction with Rita.
When Phil confesses his true feelings for and to Rita.
The series of days with the old man who dies.
His speech about the warm winter among the Punxsutawney people.
The bidding for Phil.

8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?
Rita: “How you can start the day with one kind of expectation and end up with something completely different.”
Phil: “I don’t even like myself.”
Phil: “There is no way this winter is ever going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don’t see any other way out. He has to be stopped. And I have to stop him.”
Phil: “I want you to believe in me.”
Rita: “Maybe it’s not a curse. It depends how you look at it.”
One is not spoken, it’s when Rita wakes up while Phil is telling her what he loves about her, and she says “Did you say something?” And Phil nods with sincerity.
Phil: “It was the end of a very long day. Is there anything I can do for you today?”

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?
Phil, having learned to appreciate overcoming his egotistical self, has transformed into a caring person who even wants to live in Punxsutawney.

10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?
Being a genuinely caring and compassionate person earns more respect than attempting to be a persona that you believe others expect from you.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi everyone.
I’m Diane. I grew up on a dairy farm in northern Wisconsin. I went on to earn degrees in graphic design and composition including a Ph.D., and have taught college-level composition for the past 10 years.
I’ve written two feature-length scripts and a handful of shorts. I’ve co-written a “Cozy Christmas Romance” with a friend and have another in the works.
What I hope to get out of this class is to understand how to add that profound element to my features. They’ve been in revision for some time and I’m so ready to get them finished but have not quite managed to “seal the deal” when it comes to getting that powerful message in there.
Something unique about me. I’m not a traditional student (in age), my life experience is of living closely with combat PTSD and striving to better understand how it can affect entire families (combat PTSD in popular media and “veteran myth” is the topic of my doctoral dissertation), and I want to say something important about veteran sacrifice/suicide (a focus of one of my features).

[Diane Keranen]

I’m a first-time student of ScreenwritingU, and “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
The entire text of the agreement is included below, these are the terms of the original post to confirm what I agree to:
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Diane Keranen]

Nice job on the traits and the dialogue interest techniques. I like the direction changes of the drama and the way the two characters play off of each other.

[Diane Keranen]

I was thinking of an interrogation room idea too. I made myself pick something else when I read through yours. It’s great. I like the twists and turns. I get a bit lost on so many names changing with little description of action, but the essence still comes through. I’m finding this class quite challenging but quite excellent.

[Diane Keranen]

Nice job, Ron. You’ve packed a lot of interest techniques in and the scene just keeps growing in intensity. A lot of action can be suggested just through what the characters say to each other. 🙂

[Diane Keranen]

WOW! Each part is so clearly what it’s supposed to be for this assignment! Great job! Very exciting and such a twist at the end. Well done.

[Diane Keranen]

I see you have a lot of internal conflict. I’ve been working with the same thing and it’s so challenging to find the most fitting way to externalize that internal conflict so the audience (the script reader and hopefully eventually a film viewer) to be able to effectively interpret the external action as the sought-after internal conflict. This class is so good at giving exercises to help us find the ways to do that. Cheers!

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ron. I’ve been working on this script for many years. I think this class will help me get to the finish line.

[Diane Keranen]

AAAHHH! What a great ending! I can see all of the interest techniques for this cycle. It’s surprising to me how much of what is going on in a scene can be conveyed in dialogue. Renee is wonderfully devious. That trait comes through very clearly and Maxine being emotionally wounded also comes through quite clearly. These traits, supported by the others, creates a powerful dynamic in the office. Great job!

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ron. This class is more intensive than I expected. It’s great though.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ron. I’m also having trouble keeping up but I’m going to keep at it.

[Diane Keranen]

At the bottom of the Day 1 lesson… keep scrolling past the PDF and explanation of how to think about the 8 elements. 🙂

[Diane Keranen]

Feedback by Diane

You’ve done a great job incorporating each of the traits. They were all strong presentations in the script. The weakest were John’s loner trait and Nick’s giving trait, but all of the other traits are very well represented. You also did a great job building suspense, major twist, surprise, mislead, character changes radically, betrayal, superior position, uncertainty, and intrigue. And that’s all 10 of the interest techniques. Great job! The setting is awesome and adds drama to the scene and the characters.

The scene started out super strong. It got a little confusing right before the agents came out. I think a few word choices that could make it more clear what they’re conspiring about would be helpful. I love the line, “I needed you away from the others.” What perfect placement for that.

Great job on this rewrite Ron. My apologies for not getting to this sooner. Life has been happening and, well, you know how that goes.

Overall, terrific scene.

[Diane Keranen]

Great job on intensifying the traits of each of these characters. With this little bit of writing, your script sound much more interesting and engaging with this refocused attention on character traits.

[Diane Keranen]

Reading your plot gave me an idea for changing mine! Thanks! Not a copy, just a twist.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ronald. I knew I was missing a few traits, but wanted to keep pressing on. Thank you for your spot-on feedback.

[Diane Keranen]

Ronald,
I this the version for feedback? Or is this the draft you’re revising. (These two different posting places has me all turned around.) I posted my feedback version to the Exchange feedback thread. 😐

[Diane Keranen]

Great location. I look forward to see the story develop. I live in “snow-country” so if there’s evil in the snow storms, I want to know about it. 🙂

[Diane Keranen]

Yikes! Makes me think of Goya’s “Saturn Devouring His Son” painting.

[Diane Keranen]

Yikes! I’ve been watching cave exploration videos on YouTube lately. That’s one place that would scare the heck out of me.

[Diane Keranen]

I like the addition of the woman who gets curious about the protagonist. An added level of complexity.

[Diane Keranen]

You have a solid grasp of how you’ll apply the horror conventions in your script. I look forward to seeing how this pre-planning shows up in the screenplay. It’s pretty scary so far. 🙂

[Diane Keranen]

Yikes! Very interesting concept. Wonderfully complex.

[Diane Keranen]

I look forward to seeing you develop this idea.

[Diane Keranen]

Egad! What a setting!

[Diane Keranen]

I look forward to seeing your concept as it develops.

[Diane Keranen]

Oops…misclicking :-[]

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by  Diane Keranen.

[Diane Keranen]

Yikes! I’d think of that every time I passed a mirror.

[Diane Keranen]

Yikes!

[Diane Keranen]

On the QE Cycle 2 assignment, it looks to me that we didn’t need to post our draft version and instead, took a break from it, then analyzed it ourselves before posting it for feedback. The only version I posted was my second draft after I (hopefully) improved it at least 25%. Because that version is the one that we ask for feedback, I posted that to the Exchange Feedback forum.

Seems quite confusing.

[Diane Keranen]

I was pleasantly surprised. I’m not a horror film fan of the gory horror. I thought this was a very well done and gripping film. I’ve not seen Thanksgiving. Perhaps I’ll check it out.

[Diane Keranen]

I’m finding the where-to-post bit confusing as well. I’m posting only the version that wants feedback to the QE Cycle post.

[Diane Keranen]

It looks like a third writer started the class. I think it’s okay if we just take our time with it. I’m planning on working all the way through the course. I’ve got a few screenplays I’d like to rewrite and get into a contest or two just to see what happens. This class seems like it will be very helpful in my rewrites.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you for the excellent feedback. I think we’re the only two in the class. I got behind, but am trying to keep up with the pace of the course.

[Diane Keranen]

QE Cycle 1 Feedback

Character Traits:
Trent: I like that I can see Conspiring and Aggressive. I’m not sure that Needy and Meticulous are coming though as much as they could.
Blake: I see Secretive but the others I’m not sure I see them. Some of his actions could be attributed to Low Self-Esteem, but as the audience, I want to know I’m “getting” the characters as they are written.

What I like: The characters work well together in the way they interact. I see a progression there.
What I would like to see: The traits more fully expressed or exaggerated more so I’m sure I’m seeing the characters as the writer has written them.

Interest Techniques: The ending works great as a Surprise. The sudden drawing in of the group of others is a Major Twist. There’s a sort of Mislead/Reveal but seem more like a trick/ploy.

Subtext: I’m really working on subtext, so take this with a big grain of salt: I’m not seeing the subtext for Robert at all. Trent’s subtext is a lot clearer.

Story Arc: Yup! Quite a celebratory vibe at the start and a definite ass kicking at the end.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi Ronald,

I’ll get you some feedback, for my learning process (at least, but hopefully yours too) by the end of the day tomorrow. If you can get me a few notes when you can, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Diane

[Diane Keranen]

Yes. Skype works too. I’m looking forward to this interview process.

[Diane Keranen]

That sounds great! I’ll stand by and await your call or zoom. Both are fine with me. See you Wednesday evening (my time).

[Diane Keranen]

Yeah. That would be great. If we could meet a bit earlier than last time would be better for me. Maybe 8:00 p.m. (my time) which would be 9:00 a.m. (your time). Again, if my clock math is correct. Pretty much any day of the week for me.

[Diane Keranen]

I sent notes in a DM.
Great job! Great story!

[Diane Keranen]

Great!

I’m in Eastern Daylight Savings Time so I’m 3 hours ahead of you on the clock. Let’s meet at 7:30 a.m. Pacific Daylight Time (your time). That will be 10:30 Eastern time (my time). I can meet by phone at 906-369-0917 or on Zoom at a gadzook.diane@gmail.com. Either of these will work of me. My synopsis is short, only about a half page printed out. I’ll stand by and await your contact on Monday the 16th.

Looking forward to exchanging interviews,
Diane

[Diane Keranen]

Hi Jose,

Have you worked with a partner on the Producer/Writer interview exchange on the synopsis? If not, I can partner with you for more practice.

Diane

[Diane Keranen]

Awesome.

[Diane Keranen]

Let’s move ahead with your 10:30 Monday morning which is my 9:30 pm Sunday. I’ll stand by and you can call (via phone, Zoom, or Skype, whichever works best for you) and I’ll be ready. I’ll be the Writer first/Producer second if that’s workable for you.

[Diane Keranen]

Skype works for me using my email address.

[Diane Keranen]

My “time math” says that 8:00 p.m. Sunday, tonight my time is 9:00 a.m. Monday your time. Would this be a good time for you? My email for Zoom is gadzook.diane@gmail.com, my phone number is 906-369-0917 for a phone call. I’ll double-check if I can still run Skype on this computer. If my times are incorrect, please feel free to correct them. If you need to do this earlier than 9:00 a.m. your time, I can do up to two hours earlier. That would be 6:00 pm my time and 7:00 am your time. (I hope I’m being clear. I have a special talent for mucking up time zones. :[] )

[Diane Keranen]

Hi Jason (I saw an earlier post and learned your name preference). I can exchange with you on the Produce/Writer interviews if you’re not already partnered up. I’m in the eastern time zone (same as Detroit, MI and New York, NY in the US).

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Angela. If you have a LinkedIn profile and would like to connect (I’m working on building my profile for screenwriting), my profile is at http://www.linkedin.com/in/diane-keranen-4b61a3115.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Glory!

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Angela!

Your feedback is nothing short of brilliant! You’ve helped me see several ways to deepen the meaning of the story.

This has been such a valuable class and I think the best part of it is your feedback.

Thank you, again. I wish you all the best in your screenwriting career.
Diane

[Diane Keranen]

Profound Feedback to Angela – Version 1

I’m going to try to stick closely to the Skill Master Sheet for Profound Screenwriter available in Lesson 16.

First, I find the title interesting. I would take a second look to see what it being caught up.
Second, I’ve noticed streaming sites like Netflix are producing quite a few Limited Series shows. You might be at the right place at the right time. I wish you well.

1. Profound Truth: Nice. I see this as a timeless truth that can be told in so many different ways. Take a look at part B for this part of the map. It helped me to work on the B part of this part of the mapping: What shift or change do I want my audience to experience during my movie? It was trickier than I thought to write that out.

2. Transformational Journey: I like that I can see how all of your characters make transformations.
Transformational Logline: I’m wondering what the inciting incident is that prompts them to “reassess their priorities and values.” What happens that lights a fire under all of them for the duration of time this story takes place. What I mean is, a friend of mine and I are currently undergoing transformational journeys. Two years ago, her husband died suddenly and she’s recently reached a stage of grieving that allows her to move forward. My husband is currently experiencing significant health issues and I must reshape my career to be available to give care. These two inciting events (reaching a stage of grief, and husband’s health downturn) happened at pretty much the same time for us both and set us on our own transformational journeys. In this draft, I’m unclear of what gets your characters moving and how this telling of the story is unique. It actually reminds of a sort of “coming of age” story, but not for kids, for these adults.

3. Who are Your Lead Characters? — I like how your four or five main characters portray distinct personalities: Georgia, overburdened mom; Jodie, capable but makes mistakes; Tiff, the rule-breaker/secret-spiller; Anne, the klutzy, kind one; and Callie, the identity crises. I’m a bit confused because your Logline says “four friends catch up…” but five are described for the Transformational Journey. Is Callie a supporting character like Anand? Or is she a Lead?
Transformable/Change Agents: I like that I can see that this group of characters, at different times in the series, trade places to be either the transformable character or a change agent. It’s a complex story that I’m assuming takes place over the course of approximately seven hours of screen time (2 hr pilot, 1 hr episodes?).
Oppression: What a time to be writing a story like this when included in the political landscape is a segment that is trying to impose more restrictions on women. I say again, this might the right time for a story like this.

4. How do You Connect with Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?
Nice. The different personalities are wonderful. There’s such variety from stress to comic relief. Nicely done.

5. What is the Gradient of the Change?
Gradient 2. Great job on the Setup, Journey, and Payoff.
Gradient 1. The “Forced Change” Emotional Gradient: I got stuck a bit on the Emotional Gradient part of the map because it seemed more like events than emotions. What I mean is: Denial: Rather than, “Money embezzled from the business,” something like “Jodie is stunned when she learns money was embezzled from the business and refuses to believe it could be true.” By focusing on the emotional stakes, the map might be a stronger assist when it comes time to write the script. (Now I’m wondering if I did this on mine. Oh, gosh. So much to think about.)
Gradient 3. The Challenge/Weakness Gradient: Nice job. I like that you’re digging deep into your characters. I wonder, however, if the challenge/weakness mapping might be clearer if the weakness wasn’t “fixed” right away in these explorations. What I mean is if the challenge is listed and then the weakness is listed, the character conundrum is spelled out before you and maybe keep the options open for what happens. For example, Challenge: She must maintain stability for her family, husband and business as well as support her father (emotionally? financially?). Then the Weakness: Believes she’s the only one who can do it the right way. I find it so easy to try to fix the problems the characters have and this class is helping me separate out the parts that need to be focused on and developed before any fixes can happen.

6. What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?
MM1—I love the text messaging to finalize their meet up. I can picture it in my mind with each one busy doing something and pausing to text the others. Love it! I can see better here how there is a subtle call to action based on the conversations. It’s like they all come to a fork in the road at this dinner and decide, “Look at us. Stuck in ruts we didn’t dig. Let’s go. Let’s make our live more our own.” This is just what I thought as I read this. It’s not a suggestion for dialogue. My friend and I didn’t plan a simultaneous transformational journey, but we both picked up that it was time to move.
MM2—Okay. I think I see how they get locked into their commitment to take action. I think you have a lot more detail in mind that shows up here only in part, but it looks like you’re on the right track to me.
MM3—Good. These are not big “solutions” so they fail because the characters underestimated the problem.
MM4—Great job! I actually uttered an “Ooooh!” when Mart got injured.
MM5—Nice! At each of these different mapping stages, there’s a bit more information about your script that gets revealed. The more I read, the more I’d like to read the script.
MM6—Nice. I like it. The harder they try, the more things are going in the wrong direction.
MM7—Georgia, Jodie, and Tiff are accomplishing their journey. The Anne story is a bit confusing here, but it seems like you know how this is a victory.
MM8—Good. I like that I can see how they transformed. However, I miss the Callie story. The transgender story could be that element that makes this telling of this group of friends timely for today.

7. Challenging the “Old Ways”
Questioning:
Great Georgia questions from Martin.
Ooo, I like the “Do you even know what you want to do for fun?” question.
Counterexample:
The time-wasting is great. It’s so easy to get caught up in those things once we get in a rut. I think that’ll contribute to “relatability” as well.
Should Work, But Doesn’t:
I don’t think I did this part right on mine. I’ll have to review this part of the map. I see what you’re doing here in terms of developing the steps. This is helpful to me.
Challenge through Living Metaphor:
I think it would be helpful to point out what is acting as the metaphor. For example, what represents Georgia’s expectation? What represents Jodie’s and Tiff’s stress? What represents Anne’s need to attend to her father? You probably have these already worked into your script, but it’s helpful to pull them out and examine them as elements of the telling of the story. For me, as a reader, the metaphor isn’t readily apparent. (I’m trying to avoid going back to my writing to see if I did the same thing. =:[]

8. Present Insights of the New Ways Through Profound Moments:
A. Action Delivers Insight: I like that you’re pulling out how this is happening for the characters. The actions clearly do change for insightful reasons.
B. Conflict Delivers Insight: Good job. I think 3 and 4 are the strongest examples.
C. Irony Delivers Insight: The Georgia example is awesome!
9. Profound Dialogue:
Pattern A – Height of Emotion: You’ve got some really nice dialogue in these.
Pattern B – Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes: I like all three of these. I think they all are strong examples.

10. How Do You Leave Us With A Profound Ending?
A. Deliver the Profound Truth Profoundly: Nice job. I like that you’ve moved past the “We can do anything a man can do” sort of old hat. They’re measuring themselves against their old ways to celebrate their new ways.
B. Lead Character’s Ending Represents the Change:
Oh yay! I like that Georgia’s taking those lessons that earlier had been something she watched and only took up good time for other things. Quite satisfying! This one, I think, is the strongest of the four you listed here.
C. Payoff Key Setups:
I wonder about Georgia here. Isn’t Anne the gift-giver. Wouldn’t Georgia focus forward and go deeper into artful expression as part of her non-negotiable self-growth? The others seem consistent with what you say about them earlier.
D. Surprising, But Inevitable:
I like all of these!

11. Leave Us With A Profound Parting Image/Line:
Good. This is consistent with the story. As an audience member, I’d like a fresh spin on this. I don’t have a suggestion, but it feels like this dialogue is a bit stale. With all the exciting things you have going on in their lives, there’s something to work with to spice this up. Instead of feeling that I’ve heard this many time before, I would like to walk out of the theater feeling exhilarated and inspired to strive to be my best self. I really wish I had a suggestion to show you what I mean.

[Diane Keranen]

Angela, would you like to exchange feedback? My genre is Drama. I don’t see the other forum that was mentioned in the assignment, but I see both of us have posted to the regular forum. If you’re ready for feedback exchange, I’m willing to do it here in this forum.
Diane

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, I’ll do the same for you.