gary weskrna
Forum Replies Created
-
REWRITE
INT. BALLROOM OF A SUPER YACHT – NEW YEARS EVE
The dance floor is pack with super rich reverie seekers all poised for the countdown.
3…2…1…Midnight!
Corks pop, streamers fly, and noise makers are blown. Everyone kisses someone.
Except Melissa and Robert who stand facing each other. Melissa in disbelief.
Melissa
I don’t believe you!
ROBERT
I don’t relish my role as truth Sayer, but I felt you had the right to know.
Robert puts a consoling hand on Melissa’s shoulder.
ROBERT
I am truly sorry.
She jerks away from him.
MELISSA
Don’t touch me!
And storms off through the crowd.
Robert smirks. Finishes his flut of champagne.
EXT. PORT DECK – SAME
Fleeing the party, she runs smack into Robert.
ROBERT
There you are. I’m terribly sorry we missed midnight, I was glad handing the prince of something or somewhere, but I will make it up to you.
MELISSA
Leave me alone!
ROBERT
My dear, what’s the matter?
She takes off her engagement ring and drops it overboard into the ocean.
MELISSA
I never want to see you again!
Robert watches as she bolts down the gangplank to an awaiting boat to take her to shore.
ROBERT
Melissa! What?! Melissa, darling, come back!
INT. BALLROOM – SAME
Trent pushes his way through the crowd to Robert.
TRENT
We have to talk! In private!
ROBERT
Lead the way, el’ capitan.
INT. STORAGE CABIN BELOW DECK – SAME
Trent slams the bulkhead door behind him.
TRENT
What were you thinking?
ROBERT
I think about a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific —
TRENT
— the Greek deal? Shipping? Ring a bell?
ROBERT
Oh that? That didn’t quite turn out like we had hoped.
TRENT
Jesus, Robert! I spent 2 years, meticulously convincing Melissa’s father to extend me that line of credit and you cratered it in less than an afternoon. I needed you to step up!
ROBERT
Yes, well if it was so important, why the hell did you put me in charge of it then?
TRENT
And what, pray tell, did you say to Melissa?
ROBERT
Why? What did she say, I said?
TRENT
The engagements off. She has left me.
ROBERT
You’re better off really. We both know you were just marrying the poor dumpling for her family’s money.
Trent’s fist slams into Roberts’s face. Robert falls back into a pile of Perrier water.
TRENT
I want you off my boat, out of my boardroom and out of my life.
Trent storms out of the cabin leaving Robert there.
ROBERT
(To himself)
Sorry, but I don’t think I can do that old friend.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by gary weskrna.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
-
INT. BALLROOM OF A SUPER YACHT – NEW YEARS EVE
The dance floor is pack with super rich reverie seekers all poised for the countdown.
3…2…1…Midnight!
Corks pop, streamers fly and noise makers are blown. Everyone kisses someone.
Robert grabs Melissa and kisses her deeply. She struggles and pulls away.
Melissa
What the hell Robert!
ROBERT
Don’t you know? Trent and I share everything, equally.
MELISSA
Not me!
Robert shrugs.
ROBERT
Not yet, maybe.
Melissa storms off.
Robert smirks. Finishes his flut of champagne.
Trent pushes his way through the crowd to Robert. Grabs him.
TRENT
We have to talk! In private!
ROBERT
Lead the way, el’ capitan.
INT. STORAGE CABIN BELOW DECK – SAME
Trent slams the bulkhead door behind him.
TRENT
What were you thinking?
ROBERT
I think about a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific —
TRENT
— the Greek deal? Shipping? Ring a bell?
ROBERT
Oh that? That didn’t quite turn out like we had hoped.
TRENT
Jesus, Robert! I spent 2 years of my life, meticulously glad handing that deal and you cratered it in less than an afternoon.
ROBERT
Yes, well no use crying over spilled euros.
TRENT
(dawning on him)
You did it on purpose?
ROBERT
Did I? I don’t really remember what —
TRENT
(changing subject)
— what did you say to Melissa? Tonight. What did you say to her. She was upset but she wouldn’t tell me?
ROBERT
I may have innocently suggested that I thought she could do better in the boyfriend department. And humbly offered my services —
Trent’s fist slams into Roberts’s face. Robert falls back into a pile of Perrier water.
TRENT
I want you off my boat, out of my boardroom and gone from my life.
Trent storms out of the cabin leaving Robert there.
ROBERT
(to himself)
Sorry, but I don’t think I can do that old friend.
-
Gary Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: To use essence and these max interest techniques to brainstorm multiple expressions of a scene or character instead of just the one that needs to be there because the structure dictates it.
Logline: It’s the hookup scene between the main protagonist and the main antagonist. Boy and girl get together so they can part later on. The night before a big match the antagonist knocks on the protagonist’s hotel room door to have sex with him.
Essence: It’s about putting their personal rivalry and ambitions aside and realizing they are more alike than different.
Suspense – when the protagonist opens the door and sees her standing there we the audience and him the protagonist think she’s going to hurt him verbally or physically. As we’ve seen her do with other contestants.
Major twist – but after telling him all the things she doesn’t like about him she disrobes and sprays whip cream on her chest for him to lick off of her.
Surprise – we think she’s there to tell him off but really she came to have sex with him.
Character changes radically – Our hero goes from fearing her to being head over heels for her
Betrayal – But is she really just fattening him up the night before the big competition. Gamesmanship and doesn’t really care about him. That’s what the mentor thinks.
Uncertainty – hope/fear – we hope that’s not the case but we fear it is when she wins the competition the next day Because he’s too bloated and tired from the night before.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
There’s a knock on the door.
PROTAGONIST
(through the door to the mentor who’s just left the room)
You don’t have to tuck me in. I’m a big boy.
He opens it. She stands there. In all her profane glory. Looking mean.
PROTAGONIST
Can I help you.
She reaches into her purse…
PROTAGONIST
(flinches)
Please don’t hurt me.
And pulls out a can of whip cream. Holding it in her hand
ANTOGONIST
You going to let me in or we going to do this out in the hallway?
She doesn’t wait for an answer. She pushes past him and walks in.
ANTOGONIST
Close the door.
He does. She walks to the middle of the room and turns to face him. Looking him up and down. Taking him all in.
ANTOGONIST
You’re not very handsome, are you? And not too tall either.
PROTAGONIST
I try to be taller…
ANTOGONIST
(laughs)
And you gurgitation skills are amateur at best. I must say.
(shaking her head)
Nope. I have tell ya, I don’t see much in the way of redeeming qualities.
PROTAGONIST
(quietly, almost to himself)
I don’t think you just had to tell me that.
ANTOGONIST
What was that?
PROTAGONIST
Nothing. Listen why don’t you just do what you came to do to me and get it over with.
ANTOGONIST
Right to the point. I do like that.
She walks toward him and stops right in front of him.
He shuts his eyes hard, waiting for whatever it is.
She reaches down and pulls off her t-shirt exposing her naked back to us, her front only to him.
Then she shakes the can of whip cream and sprays it onto her chest covering up her breasts.
ANTOGONIST
Well?
Confused he opens one eye to look and then the other.
There she stands in front of him with whip cream covering her breasts and two maraschino cherries where each nipple would be.
He’s just stares. Dumbstruck.
ANTOGONIST
So, you going lick me like a banana split or what?
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NEXT DAY
There’s a knock on the door. The protagonist opens it.
MENTOR
Good Morning! We all ready to rum….ble
He looks around the room and it looks like a food bomb went off. Pizza boxes littered about the floor. Ribs and fried chicken bones scattered across the sheets. Beans and rice smeared above the headboard.
MENTOR
What in the holy hell happened last night? Lil’ midnight snack?
PROTAGONIST
Me and…her… we kind of…
MENTOR
No,no,no,no,no
PROTAGONIST
Yeah… hooked up.
MENTOR
Oldest trick in the book.
PROTAGONIST
What are you talking about?
MENTOR
Fattening you up. Before a big meet.
PROTAGONIST
No, she wouldn’t do that.
MENTOR
And you fell for it. Hook, line and
rib roast.
-
Title: Gary Profiles People
Person 1:
Deeply religious.
Extremely critical of “others”, (not doing what he thinks they should be doing)
Gregarious to someone in need, (give shirt off his back).
Needs to work on self esteem.
Person 2:
Self righteous, (always thinks they are right)
Funny, (uses humor often)
Over thinker, (worries constantly)
Looks out for others and takes care of people in need
Person 3:
Flirty
Self deprecating
White lies, (will tell you what they think they want you to hear)
Unreliable
-
Gary Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… You’re getting down to the essence of the character if you only looked at from a structure sense and the other way around if you only looked at it as a character scene.
Script I choose: Untitled competitive eating script
Scene 1 Location: First scene – on the board walk
Logline: A chubby 10 year-old kid is eating ice cream cone when another kid pushes it into his face making him drop it on the boardwalk.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is about humiliation and body issues and self-esteem. Bullying
New Logline: A gang of “cool” kids bully and embarrass a chubby 10 year-old by pushing his ice cream cone into his face and calling him names.
Scene 2 Location: 2nd scene – at the cony island hot dog eating competition.
Logline: The cubby 10 year-old wanders over to a crowd and discovers a hot dog eating competition is taking place.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is about finding the thing that makes your life worthwhile. It’s about empowerment
New Logline: The cubby 10 year-old wanders into the crowd at a cony island hot dog eating competition and sees guys who look like him being cheered and treated like stars.
Scene 3 Location: In the first act – all you can eat buffet
Logline: The hero is harassed at the all you can eat buffet because he’s eating too much and they want him to leave.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is about him standing up to ridicule. Standing up for himself.
New Logline: Our hero cleans out an all you can eat buffet after they are rude to him.
Scene 4 Location: first act – meeting a former competitive eater – mentor
Logline: The mentor watches as he cleans out an all you can eat buffet and goes up to him and introduces himself.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is about a second chance for the mentor to get back into the competitive world of eating.
New Logline: After watching the hero clean out an all you can eat buffet he introduces himself and desperately tries to get the hero to agree to have him train him for the world famous blue betty butter belt competition.
Scene 5 Location: beginning of second act – downtown restaurant area
Logline: The hero begins to train with the mentor.
Essence I’ve discovered: This could be moved to later after many false starts and becomes the scene where the hero starts to take the mentors advice and sees the benefits of it.
New Logline: The hero jogs through the restaurant district of his hometown where the hand him Pizza, bagels, racks of lamb to eat as he’s running ala’ Rocky style.
-
Gary finds the essence –
What I learned: Once you boil down the scene/ sequence to it’s essence, what it’s about. There are countless ways to express that. You not tied into just the way it occurred to you to originally write it. No matter how clever or good you think that writing is.
Script I choose: Stripes
Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene – introduction to the protagonist and his core trait.
Logline: John Winger (Bill Murry’s Character) tosses away a parking ticket he finds on his cab for parking in front of a fire hydrant. Two college kids get in his cab for a ride.
Essence: John has no use or respect for the rules.
Scene 2 Location: Second scene – Introduction to the main secondary character and his core trait.
Logline: Russel Ziskey (Harold Ramis’s character) is teaching English to a class of foreigners. He has no business teaching the class, he’s a total fraud as a teacher.
Essence: Russel will try to con or talk himself into/out of any situation he finds himself in instead of facing the truth.
Scene 3 Location: Third Scene – A montage of woe. This is an attempt to create empathy for our main protagonist. Also, it continues to show his character trait of hostile rebellion against all authority.
Logline: John has quit his job, had his car repossessed, his dry cleaning and pizza run over by the repo men and upon finding out about this his girlfriend leaves him.
Essence: John is a lazy loser, full of excuses.
Scene 4 Location: Fourth Scene – Inciting incident – also explores the dynamic between the protagonist and his sidekick.
Logline: John sees an Army commercial on the television and is taken by the glamourous ad. Russel bets him he can’t do 5 push-ups. John proves him wrong but just barely, leading to him suggesting they join the Army.
Essence: John comes to the self-realization that he must change.
Scene 5 Location: Sixth scene – First action after the inciting incident or maybe the inciting incident itself.
Logline: John and Russel go to the recruitment office and sign up. They joke around not taking it seriously.
Essence: The are looking at this like a college prank. John is looking for an easy fix for his life. He’s not prepared for the work that he’ll have to do to create meaningful change.
My selection for most profound essence:
Location: First or second scene in act two – Antagonist meets Protagonist in their first skirmish.
Logline: The Troop Company is gathered in the barracks introducing themselves. John Gives a sarcastic speech, while introducing himself, denigrating the army in the subtext of his words. Their drill sergeant picks up on the double meaning of John’s words and rises to the challenge of wills. John’s against his.
Essence: Two opponents on a battle-field size each other up. This will be a battle of wills. With sarcasm and subtext as the weapons of choice.
It plays different in the movie than in the script. The script uses the scene to mostly introduce the tertiary characters to us. A lot of the dialogue is the same in the movie as in the script but it’s moved around making sure the Bill Murry character of John is clearly the protagonist. Bill Murry’s character John gives a totally different monologue in the movie that I think is better and funnier but more important it’s more on point with the essence of the scene, which is a battle of wills using sarcasm and subtext as the weapons of choice. Where as in the script it’s more about flatly stating his feelings and the drill sergeant saying, in essence too bad, you’re stuck here. (I shortened the scene to just it’s basics because it goes on for a while.)
INT. BARRACKS – NIGHT
Roy and Harold’s platoon are sitting on the floor at the foot of their bunks as one of the recruits completes his introduction of himself. He’s CRUSIER, a short flat-headed recruit with two missing teeth and a nervous twitch.
CRUSIER
My names Howard Turkstra, I’m from Kansas City and I joined the army ‘cause my father and brother were in the Army. Uh — my hobbies are fast cars and fast women — (the other recruits’ whistle and applaud) which is why the guys in my car club call me — “The Crusier” .
He sits down smiling proudly.
CUT TO:
ROY
ROY
They should have called him ‘The Dork’.
CUT TO:
HULKA
HULKA
(pointing to Roy)
Okay, Mr. Push-ups, your turn.
He glares at Hulka and stands up.
ROY
My name is Roy Winger and basically I have to say I got roped into joining by a friend because I can’t think of a single good reason why I enlisted. The pay stinks, I look lousy in green and I’m not that interested in heavy artillery. But here, I am anyway, in the Army, a victim of circumstance —
He sits down.
HULKA
Sounds like you got a little morale problem, son.
ROY
Well, there’s no rule says I have to like it, is there?
HULKA
No. In fact with an attitude like that I can personally guarantee that you are going to hate it.
(TO EVERYONE)
Now hit the sack. Reveille is at 0500!
-
My Name is Gary. I’ve written and finished 5 scripts and have probably another 5 unfinished. I hope to double the quality of my writing and become much more creative and brainstorm more productively. There is nothing unique, special, strange or unusual about me…. No matter what the court appointed therapist says…Jk
-
I agree to the terms of this release form
-
Thanks for your notes! I really like the way you broke everything down. Made it easy to digest and take action upon. I would change the way I did the critiques to copy your way. It makes much more sense than trying to do it whole cloth without a guide.
I agree with most of your points. I could certainly do a better job of “luring” and both their subtexts need to be clarified.
I need to have a better grasp of the essence of the scene to expand it. It changed from my first draft to the rewrite, and it still feels slippery, like it needs clarification.
I didn’t try and use all the Max interest traits this time around, so some are missing. I should go back and try and find opportunities to insert some more. That hopefully could give me ideas how to expand the scene and bring melissa into it more.
But in regard to this exercise, where I think it really could use some strengthening, is with the character traits. I think part of the reason I miss name tagged the characters on the Port deck scene is the traits seemed to shift in my head back and forth. I need to pay better attention to that.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it!
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by gary weskrna.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
-
Thanks for the feedback! Your right I totally messed up the Trent/ Robert name tags on the Port deck. Fail. Great idea having Trent trick Robert into falling overboard. That would a better use of the setting. And I agree that there’s no reversal at the end. It should be a celebration in the beginning which I shortchanged and that turns into an ass kicking at the end. I got hung up trying to fit in the character traits and max interest techniques and didn’t pay enough attention to the overall shape of the scene.
-
Hi Kristina, I wanted to give some feedback on your scene, hope you don’t mind.
Something you, George and Edward all did that I didn’t do was make sure that Robert and Trent contrasted in your description of them, making it easier to differentiate them both.
Cool nose puns from Joey’s character and his mother should have taught him to wear a seat belt. Love it. Lol
Interesting setting. You and Edward both get top props for your settings in my book.
So watching porn? You could go darker. The opportunity is there if you wanted with the embalmer. Your call on that, lol.
I love the ending where Robert sets Trent up for a left hook from joey in the grieving room.
The middle section though seems to be a lot of back n forth conversation that lays out a lot of exposition in dialogue but doesn’t seem to up the stakes, it’s more like reveals that are explained but don’t really intensify the narrative. I’m probably being too hard on it but I did find my attention wandering and was trying to figure out why.
There’s a lot of points of interest in the dialogue that are brought up and then dropped. The embalmer, bit coin, the nose job, etc. Maybe if you focused on just one or two and really dug down it could deepen the scene and give it a bit more coherence. Idk just a thought.
Reading yours and these other scenes has given me the impression that we all focused on using the max interest tool and character traits but kind of lost track of goals and rising conflict in the middle of our scenes, me included. But luckily that’s what rewrites are for! Thanks for posting, it has great potential. Hope something I wrote helps.
-
Hi Edward. I was going to give a couple thoughts on your scene. Hope you don’t mind.
Love the Marine setting, very interesting and unique. Really dig the salt of the sea Robert Character well defined. And he contrasts well with the rich elite Trent character. Then you throw a Brigid O’Shaughnessy type character from the Maltese Falcon in, which I dig.
So, at first I thought the Trent character was being blackmailed by Robert. But then I realized that the Robert character was working for Trent. But then it seemed as if both characters were partners and they were double crossing each other. I’m not sure. I think I had the same issue rewriting my scene. We were all concentrated on incorporating the interest techniques and character traits that we lost sight of the motivations and rising conflict of the scene. So some of the first take on our scenes flowed better. Just my opinion.
I love some of the dialogue like ill gut you like this mackerel and you need the right bait to catch a big fish. Very subtext heavy in a good way.
Not sure about that last scene with Amoreena and Robert. Seems incomplete. Is Robert dead? Anyway, hope something I wrote helps and thanks for posting!
-
Hi George. I had some thoughts on your scene if you don’t mind.
First off very cool scene, I like it!
I agree with Kristina. I thought your first pass of this flowed better and the dialogue had more snap. There’s more telling than showing in this version especially in the beginning.
Maybe this is just me but I’m having an issue with both characters motivations upon meeting. Robert goes over to Trent’s table to say Hi. Which doesn’t seem like a driving motivation. He may have a subtext that he wants something from Trent because secretly he’s the Dragon but he seems to be in a reaction mode to Trent the whole time they are at the table .Roberts motivation could be clearer if this is part of a plan to punish Trent or get him to do something Robert wants done in exchange for not killing him over a bad deal? Trent actually has a deal he wants Robert to pass on to Dragon but he just bumps into Robert when he comes over? So he has this very driven need but it seems kind of accidental that Trent gets to act on it. Idk.
Also If Trent Humiliates Robert more in front of the whole table I think there would be a great contrast for what happens later when Robert turns the tables in the bathroom. Plus if Robert was more meek or nerdy it would be a better cover for being the dragon.
Also in the bathroom if the Gunman knocks Trent out and then turns to Robert and asks what do you want done with him Mr. Dragon. We Know that Robert is the Dragon but Trent doesn’t yet. More in keeping with a secret identity. That might be more of a dramatic irony reveal and have more punch? More of a button on the scene to make it pop.
I guess my final thought would be that this could be cut by half. There’s a lot of busy back and forth conflict that doesn’t seem to raise in intensity. More like it stays on the same level. Especially at the table.
I really like some of the dialogue here. The pinkie rings full of cyanide and it’s a win-win-win. Cool stuff.
I think this could really rock with some revision and a little bit of clarification of motivations. Thanks! I’m just reading this fast and loose so if I get anything wrong, my apologies.