[George Verongos]

QE Cycle #4, REWRITE

Logline: A day of shopping at the mall ends in a mess of emotional turmoil and deceit.

Essence: There are no such things as personal problems.

The trait I changed:

Renee: from Prissy to Blunt

INT. NICE UPPER-CLASS HOME – DAY

MAXINE (17) and her mother are whispering in the foyer.

MAXINE

She does it all the time, Mom. Not just this morning.

MOM

Okay, baby. Thanks for telling me. I’ll take care of it.

MAXINE

Please don’t tell her I told you. Please?

INT. TESLA – LATER

RENEE (18) sits gazing out the front passenger seat window of the family’s Tesla, and her sister, Maxine, is sitting in the backseat looking at her new iPhone. They are in their driveway waiting for their mother so they can all go to the mall.

MAXINE

(leaning forward)

Do I look fat in this picture, Ren? I don’t wanna post it if I look fat.

Maxine holds her phone in front of Renee’s face.

MAXINE

The cameras on these iPhone 13 Pro Max are almost too good.

RENEE

IPhone 13? Why do you have a brand-new phone and I have this old iPhone 7?

Renee waves her phone around in the air.

RENEE

Why did Mom get you a new phone and not me?

MAXINE

Oh, Mom didn’t buy this. Ryan bought it for me. Wasn’t that sweet of him?

RENEE

Ryan, bought you that? Those phones are over a grand, easy. What did you do fuck him for it?

MAXINE

No. I’m a virgin thank you very much. You know I’m saving myself for my true love.

RENEE

Uh, what about Phillip? You guys dated for a year and humped like rabbits? Every night you didn’t sneak out to go have sex with him, you would keep me up all night hysterical thinking he was cheating on you.

MAXINE

I erased that person from my past. And I have reclaimed my virginity, so it’s like it never happened

RENEE

(acquiescing)

Okay, okay, you’re a virgin. (rolls eyes, turns back toward the window) Fuck.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

RENEE

(trying to lighten the mood)

What did you tell Ryan that made him buy a new phone? In case I want to make some simp buy me a new iPhone.

MAXINE

I just sort of hinted to him that if I were to lose my virginity in high school, he was near the top of the list.

RENEE

Then he was just like, ‘Here’s a new iPhone to bump me up to the top of your dudes-I-might-let-pop-my-cherry list.’?

MAXINE

No, Ren, Ryan’s an idiot. I had to suggest it to him.

RENEE

You told Ryan you might give your virginity to him, maybe, and if he got you the newest most expensive iPhone, you might consider him a little more? You just said he was an idiot. Are you even attracted to him?

MAXINE

(smiling)

Yeah. Pretty clever, huh? And ewe, he’s a troll. Even if he was hot, I couldn’t be seen with him. His parents are teachers and drive Toyotas. So, middle-class.

RENEE

You are shady, sis. And manipulative. You’re just using him.

MAXINE

No I’m not. We both get something out of it.

RENEE

Do tell.

MAXINE

Well, I get this kick-ass phone, and Ryan gets to live in hope.

Renee gives Maxine a look of disapproval over her shoulder.

MAXINE

What? I gave him something to look forward to, possibly.

RENEE

He has no chance, does he?

MAXINE

Zero. But he doesn’t have to know that. And no one’s going to tell him, are they?

RENEE

I want no part of this… unless there’s an iPhone 13 Pro Max in it for me, too. I’ll tell ya what, Max, I’ll keep your dirty little secret if you give me that phone. It’s a win-win, I get a new phone and you get hope, hope I don’t tell Ryan.

MAXINE

Ha ha. Very funny, Ren. And now we’re even. You know a secret about me and I know a secret about you.

Renee turns in her seat and gives Maxine a quizzical look.

RENEE

Secret? What secret?

MAXINE

You know…

Maxine mimics sticking her finger down her own throat.

RENEE

(angry)

Maxine. You promised to never mention that.

MAXINE

Don’t worry. I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone. And now you have the insurance of my secret.

RENEE

It’s only until the pageant, and then I’ll stop with the puking. I promise. This is my last pageant before college, and I deserve to win, no matter what.

The girls’ MOM comes out the front door of the house and gets in the driver’s seat. She has furrowed brow and seems preoccupied.

MOM

Sorry, I took so long, girls.

RENEE

No prob. (beat) Everything okay?

Mom puts the car into gear and pulls out of the drive. She pretends to be too occupied to look at Renee.

MOM

Yeah, baby. Momma’s just fine.

Maxine looks up from her phone.

RENEE

You sure? Cause you just said ‘Momma’s just fine’ and we all know that when you say that you are anything but just fine.

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. What’s wrong?

MOM

(agitated and overly focused on driving)

Nothing is wrong. Now stop it you too.

RENEE

OMG, I saw the cutest dress on Nordy’s online. I hope they have my size.

MAXINE

(not looking up from phone)

What’s it look like?

RENEE

Dude, it is super short and black with tiny flowers all over it, and the flowers are kinda retro, very cool.

MAXINE

Sounds cool. Make sure it isn’t too small so I can borrow it.

RENEE

Pshh, you ain’t borrowing diddly.

Renee realizes they are going in the opposite direction of the mall.

RENEE

(looking around)

You sure you’re okay? Because the mall is like literally the other way.

MOM

I just have to make a quick stop before we go to the mall. Are errands a crime now?

RENEE

Where are we going?

MOM

Why all the questions? I just have to go somewhere.

RENEE

Okay, but where and why are you being so weird?

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. You’re starting to scare me.

Mom shoots Maxine a dirty look in the review mirror.

MOM

Just hush, now. We’re almost there.

They drive for a few more awkward silent seconds, then they turn into an industrial park.

RENEE

(a little demanding)

Mom, where are we going? What is this place?

Mom ignores Renee. No one sees the tear leak out of Mom’s eye and run down her worried face. She pulls into a spot in front of a low-slung generic brick office building.

RENEE

(reading sign on building)

Dr Laura Montour, MD specializing in pediatric eating disorders. (turns to Maxine) You told her.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

QE Cycle #4, First Draft

Logline: A day of shopping at the mall ends in a mess of emotional turmoil and deceit.

Essence: There are no such things as personal problems.

The trait I changed:
Renee: from Prissy to Blunt

INT. TESLA – DAY

RENEE (18) sits gazing out the front passenger seat window of the family’s Tesla, and her sister, MAXINE (17), is sitting in the backseat looking at her new iPhone. They are in their driveway waiting for their mother so they can all go to the mall.

MAXINE (leaning forward)

Look at how rad these pictures look, Ren.

Maxine holds her phone in front of Renee’s face.

MAXINE

The cameras on these iPhone 13 Pro Max are incredible.

RENEE

iPhone 13? Why do you have a brand-new phone and I have this old iPhone 7?

Renee waves her phone around in the air.

RENEE

Why did Mom get you a new phone and not me?

MAXINE

Oh, Mom didn’t buy this. Ryan bought it for me. Wasn’t that sweet of him?

RENEE

Ryan, bought you that? Those phones are over a grand, easy. What did you do fuck him for it?

MAXINE

No. I’m a virgin thank you very much. You know I’m saving myself for my true love.

RENEE

Uh, what about Phillip? You guys dated for a year and humped like rabbits? Every night you didn’t sneak out to go have sex with him, you would keep me up all night hysterical thinking he was cheating on you.

MAXINE

I erased that person from my past. And I have reclaimed my virginity, so it’s like it never happened

RENEE

Okay, okay, you’re a virgin, fuck.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

RENEE

(trying to lighten the mood)

What did you tell Ryan? In case I want to make some simp buy me a new iPhone.

MAXINE

I just sort of hinted to him that if I were lose my virginity in high school, that he was pretty high on the list.

RENEE

Then he was just like, ‘Here’s a new iPhone to bump me up to the top of your dudes-I-might-let-pop-my-cherry list.’?

MAXINE

No, Ren, Ryan’s an idiot. I had to suggest it to him.

RENEE

You told Ryan you might give your virginity to him, maybe, and if he got you the newest most expensive iPhone, you might consider him a little more? You just said he was an idiot. Are you even attracted to him?

MAXINE

(smiling)

Yeah. Pretty clever, huh? And ewe, he’s a troll. Even if he was hot, I couldn’t be seen with him. His parents are teachers and drive Toyotas. So, middle-class.

RENEE

You are shady, sis. And manipulative. You’re just using him.

MAXINE

No, I’m not. We both get something out of it.

RENEE

Do tell.

MAXINE

Well, I get this kick-ass phone, and Ryan gets to live in hope.

Renee gives Maxine a look of disapproval over her shoulder.

MAXINE

What? I gave him something to look forward to, possibly.

RENEE

Probably? (understanding) He has no chance, does he?

MAXINE

Zero. But he doesn’t have to know that. And no one’s going to tell him are they?

RENEE

I want no part of this… unless there’s an iPhone 13 Pro Max in it for me, too. I’ll tell ya what, Max, I’ll keep your dirty little secret if you give me that phone. It’s a win-win, I get a new phone and you get hope, hope I don’t tell Ryan.

MAXINE

Haha. Very funny, Ren. You owe me. Now we’re even. You know a secret about me and I know you’ve been making yourself vomit to stay skinny.

RENEE

Maxine. You promised to never mention that.

MAXINE

Don’t worry. I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone. And now you have the insurance of my secret.

RENEE

It’s only until the pageant, and then I’ll stop with the puking. I promise. This is my last pageant before college, and I deserve to win, no matter what.

The girls’ MOM comes out the front door of the house and gets in the driver’s seat. She has furrowed brow and seems preoccupied.

MOM

Sorry, I took so long, girls.

RENEE

No prob. (beat) Everything okay?

Mom puts the car into gear and pulls out of the drive. She pretends to be too occupied to look at Renee.

MOM

Yeah, baby. Momma’s just fine.

Maxine looks up from her phone.

RENEE

You sure? Cause you just said ‘Momma’s just fine’ and we all know that when you say that you are anything but just fine.

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. What’s wrong?

MOM

(agitated and overly focused on driving)

Nothing is wrong. Now stop it you too.

They drove in silence, Maxine still glued to her phone. Renee was looking out of the corners of her eyes at her mother trying to figure out why she was acting so weird. Renee realizes they are going in the opposite direction of the mall.

RENEE

(looking around)

You sure you’re okay? Because the mall is like literally the other way.

MOM

I just have to make a quick stop before we go to the mall. Are errands a crime now?

RENEE

Where are we going?

MOM

Why all the questions? I just have to go somewhere.

RENEE

Okay, but where and why are you being so weird?

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. You’re starting to scare me.

Mom shoots Maxine a dirty look in the review mirror. Maxine smiles deviously.

MOM

Just hush, now. We’re almost there.

They drive for a few more awkward silent seconds, then they turn into an industrial park.

RENEE

(a little demanding)

Mom, where are we going? What is this place?

Mom ignores Renee. No one sees the tear leak out of Mom’s eye and run down her worried face. She pulls into a spot in front of a low-slung generic brick office building.

RENEE

(reading sign on building)

Dr. Laura Bradley, MD: specializing in pediatric eating disorders. (turns to Maxine) You told her.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

REWRITE of Lesson 14 — QE Cycle #3

LOGLINE: After being forced to work on a science project together, SQUIRE—a bad boy with even worse grades—realizes NANCY—the nerdiest girl in school—could keep him from flunking out, but Nancy has some conditions.

ESSENCE: People will give up pieces of themselves to get what they want.

INT. MR AVERY’S CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM — DAY—10 MINUTES AFTER THE TARDY BELL

MR. AVERY’s classroom door opens and in walks NANCY, a junior and one of the smartest and nerdiest girls in school, holding a large stack of books in front of her. She is followed by SQUIRE, a handsome senior with long curly hair and chiseled features. He has no books. Nancy rushes to her lab table at the back of the class.

AVERY: Squire, you’re late.

SQUIRE: What about her? She’s late too.

AVERY: Nancy volunteers at the animal shelter every Wednesday morning, so she’s excused. You’d know that if you were ever on time.

The class “oohs” and “aahs”.

AVERY: I guess that makes you and Nancy project partners.

SQUIRE: What? Project?

AVERY: Directions are on the board.

NANCY: Excuse me, MR. AVERY, sir. (she pushes up her thick glasses) You couldn’t possibly expect me to agree to take him on as a partner. I’d prefer to work by myself.

AVERY: Unfortunately Nancy, I do expect you to be his partner.

The class rumbles a little.

AVERY (CONT’D): Okay people, quiet down.

SQUIRE: Naw, it’s cool, teach. I’ll just sit this one out.

The class rumbles a little louder.

NANCY (to herself): Good. Then it’s settled.

AVERY: Well, if you sit this one out, you’ll also be sitting out graduation.

The class gasps and “oohs”.

SQUIRE: What do you mean, sittin’ out graduation?

AVERY: I mean that if you do not pass this project, you will not have enough credits to graduate.

The class erupted in catcalls and various exclamations, but Squire seems unfazed by the news of his failure as he makes his way back to where Nancy is sitting. He has a bounce in his step and flirts with every girl on the way. Nancy is visibly unhappy.

AVERY (CONT’D): I said, quiet down, people! Now settle down and get to work. Your projects are due tomorrow, so use the rest of this class to work on them, quietly.

The class moans and Mr. Avery retreats to his desk, as Squire plops down next to Nancy.

SQUIRE (happy): Hey there, partner.

NANCY: Why are you so happy?

SQUIRE: Why not?

NANCY: Mr. Avery just told you, you might not graduate. That’s why not.

SQUIRE: I guess I just look at things differently.

NANCY: Differently? How else could you look at flunking high school?

SQUIRE: Things just always have a way of working out for me. Like better than expected.

NANCY: That makes no logical sense. How can you be sure things always work out for you?

SQUIRE: I can’t explain it. If you know, you know.

Nancy pushed up her glasses and looks off in thought.

NANCY: I mean, it’s not even mathematically possible let alone logical. How do you do it?

SQUIRE: Look… what’s your name?

NANCY: Nancy.

SQUIRE: Nancy, I’m Squire by the way—

NANCY: Yeah, I know; everyone knows who you are.

SQUIRE: Like I was saying, I just decide what I want to happen and then it happens.

NANCY: Like you are controlling the future? (beat) That’s impossible.

SQUIRE: Don’t matter if you believe me or not.

NANCY (slams fist on lab table): You’re lying! Prove it to me. How are you not going to flunk out of high school?

Mr. Avery (not looking up from his desk): Everything okay back there?

SQUIRE: Okay, okay, relax, Nance. I’ll tell ya. This is what is going to happen. I’m gonna get an A on the project and I’m going to graduate.

NANCY: Oh, I see. Typical. You think you can get away with doing none of the work and still get a good grade that I did all the work for? It’s not my fault we got forced to work together.

SQUIRE: That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You don’t want a partner anyways, so I let work alone, and you let me share your grade, and I get to graduate. You said it yourself, it’s not my fault we got forced together. It’s perfect, really. It’s a win-win.

NANCY (in thought): You have a point, but win-win? How’s it a win for me? I’d be doing the science project regardless.

SQUIRE: Yeah, it’s a win for you. Besides, we don’t have a choice.

NANCY (sighs): Unfortunately, you are correct. (beat) But, I have a condition.

SQUIRE: What?

NANCY (biting her lip): You have to go to prom with me.

SQUIRE: What?! No way. I already have a date, my girlfriend.

NANCY: Well, I guess you don’t want to graduate then.

SQUIRE: The only way I don’t graduate is if you fail the project, and we both know there is no way you would purposely fail a project. Shit, you probably get all depressed when you get an A instead of an A+. And remember, we are being forced, we ain’t got no choice.

NANCY: Actually, there is a significant difference between an A and an A+. (beat) If you don’t go to the prom with me, then I’ll just tell Mr. Avery that you didn’t do any of the work. Then you will fail and not walk at graduation.

SQUIRE: What? You’re psycho. I’m not going to MY senior prom with YOU. Fuck that.

NANCY: It’s your choice. (beat) Maybe we’ll be in the same chemistry class next year?

Squire is annoyed and knows he has to go to the prom with Nancy or he won’t graduate.

SQUIRE (defeated): Ok.

NANCY: Really?

SQUIRE: Yeah. I’ll do it. (sigh) I gotta graduate.

NANCY (clenches fists): Excellent. Clarissa and Tammy will choke on their 4.0s when they see us together.

SQUIRE: Can’t we just like, hang out at the prom for a few, maybe dance. I mean, it’s my senior prom, I want to go with my girlfriend. I got the whole night planned. I even got us a hotel room. Come on, Nance, please.

NANCY: Oh, that reminds me. You need to break up with your girlfriend.

SQUIRE: What? Why? I’m not breaking up with Jenny for… for you.

NANCY: Fine. You can just take me to MY senior prom next year when you repeat the 12th grade.

SQUIRE (more defeated): Fine.

NANCY: Do it right now.

SQUIRE: What? No. I’ll do it after school.

NANCY: No. You have to do it now. I need proof and I have to leave immediately after school so I’m not late for my volunteer shift at the hospital.

SQUIRE: I can’t call her in the middle of class.

NANCY: Text her. Then just forward the text to me.

SQUIRE: Text? I’m not an asshole. I’ll just explain to her that this psycho nerd in my chem class is blackmailing me and if she forgives me for the prom, we can get back together.

NANCY (face contorted in anger): NO!

AVERY (not looking up): I’m not going to tell you again. Keep it quiet.

NANCY (quieter): No one can know about… about our little arrangement. It has to be as real as possible.

Squire is silent and looking straight ahead in shock.

NANCY (CONT’D): Now, text Jenny. (beat) Better yet, I’ll text her. Give me your phone.

Without changing his gaze, Squire hands his phone to Nancy.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

Hey everyone in this forum @Kristina Zill @Edward Lusk @Judith Watson I don’t think we should be posting 1st drafts and 2nd drafts in the same forum. I think the lesson is supposed to match the day number of the forum. Lesson 16 is posted in the forum day 16. I think we doubled up posting two lessons to one forum early on so we are a couple behind. Since we are usually the first ones done with assignments, let’s decide how to do this so we don’t have to flip through various different forums to critique and so we can all keep exchanging critiques. What do you guys think?

[George Verongos]

George’s QE 3# First draft

LOGLINE: After being forced to work on a science project together, SQUIRE—a bad boy with even worse grades—realizes NANCY—the nerdiest girl in school—could keep him from flunking out.

ESSENCE: People will give up pieces of themselves to get what they want.

INT. MR AVERY’S SCIENCE CLASSROOM — DAY—10 MINUTES AFTER THE TARDY BELL

The classroom door opens and in walks SQUIRE, 18, handsome with long curly hair and chiseled features. He smells of leather and danger.

AVERY: Squire, you’re late.

SQUIRE: Sorry, teach.

AVERY: Well, NANCY, it looks like you have a project partner after all.

SQUIRE: A what?

NANCY: Excuse me, MR. AVERY, sir. (she pushes up her thick glasses) You couldn’t possibly expect me to agree to take him on as a partner. I’d prefer to work by myself.

AVERY: Unfortunately Nancy, I do expect you to be his partner.

The class rumbles a little.

AVERY (CONT’D): Okay people, quiet down.

SQUIRE: Naw, it’s cool, teach. I’ll just sit this one out.

The class rumbles a little louder.

NANCY (to herself): Good. Then it’s settled.

AVERY: Well, if you sit this one out, you’ll also be sitting out graduation.

The class gasps and ‘oooohs’.

SQUIRE: What do you mean, sittin’ out graduation?

AVERY: I mean that if you do not pass this project, you will not have enough credits to graduate.

The class erupted in catcalls and various exclamations, as Squire makes his way back to the lab table Nancy is sitting at all alone. Squire has a bounce in his step and flirts with every girl on the way. NANCY is a little nervous as she has never been so close to such a hot guy before and tries not to watch him, ignoring him when he sits down next to her.

AVERY (CONT’D): I said, quiet down, people! Now settle down and get to work. Your experiments are due tomorrow, so use the rest of this class to work on them, quietly.

The class moans and Mr. Avery retreats to his desk, as Squire plops down next to Nancy.

SQUIRE (happy): Hey there, partner.

NANCY: Why are you so happy?

SQUIRE: Why not?

NANCY: Mr. Avery just told you, you might not graduate. That’s why not.

SQUIRE: I guess I just look at things differently.

NANCY: Differently? How else could you look at flunking high school?

SQUIRE: Things just always have a way of working out for me. Like better than expected.

NANCY: That makes no logical sense. How can you be sure things always work out for you?

SQUIRE: I can’t explain it. If you know, you know.

Nancy pushed up her glasses and looks off in thought.

NANCY: I mean, it’s not even mathematically possible. How do you do it?

SQUIRE: Look… what’s your name?

NANCY: Nancy.

SQUIRE: Nancy, I’m Squire by the way—

NANCY (nervously interrupts): Yeah, I know; everyone knows who you are.

SQUIRE: Like I was saying, I just decide what I want to happen and then it happens.

NANCY: Like you are controlling the future? That’s impossible.

SQUIRE: Don’t matter if you believe me or not.

NANCY (slams fist on lab table): You’re lying! Prove it to me. How are you not going to flunk out of high school?

Mr. Avery (not looking up from his desk): Everything okay back there?

SQUIRE: Okay, okay, relax, Nance. I’ll tell ya. This is what is going to happen. I’m gonna get an A on the project and I’m going to graduate. There’s no way you won’t get an A and since I’m your partner…

NANCY: Oh, you think you can get away with doing none of the work and still get a good grade? It’s not my fault we got forced to work together.

SQUIRE: That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You don’t want a partner anyways, so I let work alone, and you let me share your grade, and I get to graduate. You said it yourself, it’s not my fault we got forced together. It’s perfect, really. It’s a win-win.

NANCY: Win-win? How’s it a win for me? I’d be doing the science project regardless.

SQUIRE: Yeah, it’s a win for you. Besides, we don’t have a choice.

NANCY (sighs): Unfortunately, I see that you are right. (beat) But, I have a condition.

SQUIRE: What?

NANCY (biting her lip): You have to go to prom with me.

SQUIRE: What?! No way. I already have a date, my girlfriend.

NANCY: Well, I guess you don’t want to graduate then.

SQUIRE: The only way I don’t graduate is if you fail the project, and we both know there is no way you would purposely fail a project. Shit, you probably get all depressed when you get an A instead of an A+. And remember, we are being forced, we ain’t got no choice.

NANCY: Well, there is a significant difference between an A and an A+. (beat) If you don’t go to the prom with me, then I’ll tell Mr. Avery that you didn’t do any of the work. Then you will fail and not walk at graduation.

SQUIRE: What? You’re psycho. I’m going to MY senior prom with YOU. Fuck that.

NANCY: It’s your choice. (beat) Maybe we’ll be in the same science class next year?

Squire is annoyed and knows he has to go to the prom with Nancy or he won’t graduate.

SQUIRE (defeated): Ok.

NANCY: Really?

SQUIRE: Yeah. I’ll do it. (sigh) I gotta graduate.

NANCY (clenches fists): Excellent. Clarissa and Tammy will choke on their 4.0s when they see us together.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

George Verongos LESSON #13 MAX INTEREST 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I can incorporate a ton of interest techniques and keep them believable AND I can clearly see now how my quality can double, which I was skeptical of at first! 🙂

ESSENCE: ARI makes a life-changing decision.

MAX INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Hook, Something unseen, Mystery, Cliffhanger, Creating a future.

FADE IN:

INT. CHRISTIAN FAMILY BATHROOM – AFTERNOON

ARIANA (ARI) CHRISTIAN (16) believes she is fat, ugly, and unlovable. She’s standing at a bathroom sink looking into the mirror. She’s wearing a Smashing Pumpkins ZERO T-shirt. In her right hand is a well-used Bic disposable razor. She takes a deep breath and holds it as she slashes at her left forearm leaving a few superficial pinkish scrapes. Disappointed, she exhales and drops the razor into the sink. She catches her own eye in the mirror and becomes irritated.

ARI: Fucking loser. Can’t you do anything right? I hate you.

Ari begins tearing the bathroom apart desperately searching for something. She empties the medicine cabinet, clears every shelf, and pulls out everything from under the sink. Tampons, makeup, perfume, hair rollers, hairpins, creams & lotions, etc. In a crescendo, she empties a basket into the sink and everything stops. There in the sink lay an old rusty razor blade. Ari picks it out of the sink and holds it in front of her face inspecting it with awe like a rare gem. Someone pounds on the bathroom door and she freezes.

ARI’S MOTHER (V.O.): Ari honey? Is everything okay in there dear?

ARI (trying not to panic): Ugh… Just a second.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM DOOR – SAMETIME

Ari’s mother, MARGARET CHRISTIAN, is a middle-aged divorced single parent & wine-aholic plagued with low self-esteem and dresses like Donna Reed even though it is 2018. She is talking to the closed bathroom door.

MARGARET: I thought I heard a crash, sweetie. Are you sure you’re okay?

Margaret waited but Ari was silent. She could hear the din of Ari putting the bathroom back in order. She leaned toward the door trying to listen.

MARGARET: Ari honey? Do you need Mommy to help you—

Ari opens the door and slips past her mother to her bedroom without stopping.

ARI (irritated): No, I don’t need any help. Gross.

Margaret gives a shrug and enters the bathroom that shows no signs of being tossed by Ari.

INT. ARI’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Ari locks her door and leans against it listening. A few seconds later she hears the toilet lid close, a flush, running water, the bathroom door squeaks open, and Ari hears her mother’s footsteps getting further away. Ari breathes a sigh of relief and sits on her bed. She opens her hand to reveal the razor blade.

[George Verongos]

LESSON 12

GEORGE VERONGOS CHALLENGING SITUATIONS

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that the scene can be massively upgraded and made more interesting by just a couple of minor changes that set off a chain reaction of improvement. It has helped give me material to encourage rewrites, which is something I always procrastinate doing.

SCENE #1

A. Current Scene Logline: During a family dinner, SARAH and JOAN competitively try to keep the details of JOAN kicking SARAH out of the house to themselves.

B. Essence: SARAH has a false sense of security.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: Sarah talks too much. Joan gets drunk on wine waiting for Sarah and her cousin. Sarah gets emotional as reality sinks in.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Sarah finds out how expensive it is to just live. Joan won’t bail Sarah out when she gets in trouble. Sarah gets mad and dramatically leaves the dinner.

SCENE #2

A. Current Scene Logline: ARI comes home long after school high and hungry only to be fat-shamed by her mother already on her 2nd plastic tumbler of boxed rosé.

B. Essence: Ari’s feelings of isolation and being misunderstood is reinforced by her mother’s behavior.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: Ari’s mother gets in her head. Ari’s mother compares her to “fat” celebrities. Ari’s mom watches from the kitchen door keeping Ari from eating.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Ari laments to her mother’s watchful eye and, even though she feels ravenous, only takes a Diet Pepsi from the fridge. Ari’s mom thumbs through a magazine commenting about how she doesn’t understand how “fat” celebrities could be considered attractive. Obviously, yet unknowingly how horrible she is making Ari feel.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

LESSON 11 GEORGE VERONGOS FULL-OUT CHARACTERS

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that with just a few words about a character, I can really make the story more exciting and the characters more dynamic, which is something I have racked my brains for hours and hours about because characters seemed less than.

ORIGINAL PROFILES:

DESCRIPTION: ARI is a young teenage girl from a broken home, struggling to grow up.

TRAITS: Shy, introverted, low self-esteem, smart

SUBTEXT: Ari feels invisible and unloved.

DESCRIPTION: SARAH comes from an affluent family and sells weed at the high school she rarely attends.

TRAITS: Bold, impulsive, conniving, confident

SUBTEXT: Sarah is lost and is searching for some meaning in her life.

DESCRIPTION: KANE is on a low rung of the drug cartel ladder and a big oaf of a white guy who has appropriated the Black drug dealer stereotype.

TRAITS: Vulgar, brutish, manipulative, violent

SUBTEXT: Kane wants to be respected and liked for him and not just feared as a drug dealer.

REVISED PROFILES:

DESCRIPTION: ARI is a young over-weight girl who starts experimenting with drugs and self-harm in order to feel like she has some control in her life.

TRAITS: Shy, introverted, low self-esteem, scared

SUBTEXT: Ari endlessly strives to please her mother in hopes of feeling loved in return.

DESCRIPTION: SARAH, daughter of an Asst DA father and high-profile trial attorney mother seeks out dangerous and illegal activities.

TRAITS: Bold, impulsive, conniving, rebellious

SUBTEXT: Sarah struggles to find her identity no matter who she has to lie to or what she has to lie about.

DESCRIPTION: KANE is on a low rung of the drug cartel ladder and a big oaf of a white guy who has appropriated the Black drug dealer stereotype.

TRAITS: Aggressive, dumb, manipulative, violent

SUBTEXT: Kane wants to be respected and liked for him and not just feared, but his short temper finds him in violent situations.

[George Verongos]

George Verongos QE CYCLE #2 – REWRITE for CRITIQUE

LOGLINE: FACTION sentinel John Brody is summoned to his boss’s office only to find his boss has been replaced under suspicious circumstances.

ESSENCE: John uses his subtle talents in search of the truth.

SCENE: INT – MODERN HIGHRISE – DAY

JOHN BRODY, 40, fit, ex-military dressed in army fatigues and a black t-shirt. He has a limp and a gait that suggests he has been badly injured but is healing. The lobby is empty except for a solitary elevator whose door slides open as John approaches, almost beckoning him. There is only one button in the elevator, 87. The door closes on John. A beat later the elevator door opens and John steps out on the 87th floor where there is a RECEPTIONIST seated at a desk in front of a rather large, wooden, double-door.

JOHN: I’m here to see Mr. Fallon.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Fallon? I’m sorry, sir, there’s no one here by that name.

JOHN: Tell him John Brody’s here. He’s expecting me.

RECEPTIONIST: I think you might be at the wrong building.

JOHN: (incredulous) Zane Christopher Fallon. This building is named after him.

The receptionist looks confused. John sees his chance and limps toward the double door.

RECEPTIONIST: (gets up and follows him) Hey, you can’t just go in there!

INT – EXECUTIVE OFFICE SUITE – DAY

A large modern minimalist office with high ceilings, with only a large wooden desk, chair, and a long white Scandinavian design couch. Large abstract paintings line the walls. At the far end of the office is a large oak desk with NICOLAS WATT sitting behind it. John stops dead in his tracks. The receptionist comes running up behind John.

RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry sir, I tried to stop him.

NICK: It’s okay, Janice. He’s fine. (waves her away) And please close the doors on your way. (quieter to John) It’s her first day.

JOHN: Who the fuck are you and where’s Fallon?

NICK: I’m sorry, John. Of course, how rude of me. (he stands and extends his hand) Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.

John doesn’t shake his hand. After a beat, Nick retracts his hand.

NICK: (CONT’D) Please, please, have a seat. (he gestures to the couch)

JOHN: (stays standing) And Fallon?

NICK: Ah yes, Mr. Fallon. He retired.

JOHN: Retired? When?

NICK: It’s been nearly a year. I’m the executive director now. But of course, how would you know. With your lengthy rehabilitation in the Andes’, it was truly a miracle that you survived that mission. But look at you, (glances at John’s injured lag) nearly back to 100%.

JOHN: (ignoring Nick) Fallon’s the only director the Faction has ever had. He created it. He’d sooner die than retire.

NICK: Well, John, people do change their minds. After all, you probably didn’t think you’d ever retire either, and yet here you are.

JOHN: Or people have their minds changed for them.

NICK: That too. (beat) Now, John Brody, the original Faction sentinel, to what do I owe this pleasure?

John drops an envelope on the desk and limps over to a large painting on the wall to his right, his back to Nick. In the lower righthand corner of the painting are the initials of the artist ZCF.

NICK: What’s this?

JOHN: Courier delivered it yesterday. (beat) I’ve always liked these paintings.

NICK: Fallon left them. Not really my style, but I’ve just been too busy to get rid of them. Why don’t you take one? Consider it your gold watch. We can skip all the paperwork and formalities.

JOHN: (ignoring the offer but more friendly) Fallon loved art.

NICK: Loves.

JOHN: What?

NICK: You said Fallon loved art, past tense. He’s not dead, simply retired. (forced closed-lip smile)

JOHN: Oh, right. Grammar. He’s even tried his hand at painting but you didn’t hear it from me. He didn’t want anyone else to know.

Nick removes the letter from the blank envelope. The letter says: MISSION DEPLOYMENT and is dated 9 months earlier and signed by Zane Fallon. After a beat, Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile.

NICK: Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. There are no pending missions assigned to you, and even if there were… (he refers to John’s gammy leg)

JOHN: Look at the date.

NICK: (confused) It’s dated from back—

JOHN: (interrupting) Back before Fallon retired. Yet it wasn’t delivered until yesterday.

NICK: (regaining his smugness) Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you? Old Marine buddy, maybe?

JOHN: I don’t have any (distaste) buddies.

NICK: Well, I’m sure there is a logical explanation for it. But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.

JOHN: He might have. I mean, he’s not dead, just retired, right?

Nick slides his hand over the Glock strapped beneath the desktop.

JOHN: (CONT’D) Grammar’s a bitch.

John chuckles as Nick joins him and removes his hand from the Glock.

NICK: I had no idea you had such a sense of humor, Mr. Brody.

JOHN: (turns toward Nick) You’re probably right. Just a mix-up. If you tell me how to get a hold of him then I can find out what this is all about and I’ll get out of your hair.

Nick hands the letter back to John.

NICK: Even if I knew how to get ahold of him I couldn’t tell you, John. You know that. Sentinels are summoned (he nods at the envelope in John’s hand), you don’t come looking for us. (beat) But alas, I don’t know where he is, he’s kept his plans extremely private.

JOHN: Right. Of course.

(long awkward pause)

NICK: Well, it has been an absolute pleasure to finally meet, John Brody, and if there isn’t anything else I can help you with… (he doesn’t bother offering his hand)

JOHN: No, that’s it. I’ll just see myself out.

John nods and hobbles for the double door.

INT – FALLON TOWERS, JANICE’S DESK – LATER

JOHN: Watt asked me to tell you to go to lunch, he’s on an important call and doesn’t want to be interrupted.

JANICE: What? I already had lunch. I better just ask Mr—

JOHN: Now, we don’t want to upset the boss on the first day. (he helps her up by the elbow) Here you go. (he takes her purse from the floor by her chair and shoves into her arms) In fact, take the rest of the day off.

John is escorting her toward the elevator.

JANICE: (confused and a little scared) I really should just check—

JOHN: Janice, you don’t want to see Watt pissed off, and how would it look if you got fired on your first day? He said he’ll see you tomorrow at 9 AM sharp. (he starts herding her toward the elevator)

John shoves Janice into the elevator where she stands with her coat half on and holding her purse with both hands, looking the most confused yet.

JANICE: But I start work at 7.

John presses the button and the door closes as Janice is still speaking.

JOHN: Alrighty, see ya then.

John goes back over to her desk where her office phone is. Out of the dozen lines, one labels WATT is steady red, on the LCD screen is the number Watt is calling. John jots down the number using a pen and Post-it from Janice’s desk.

JOHN: Mission accepted. I’m coming to save you, boss.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

George Verongos QE CYCLE #2 – First Draft

I hope I am posting in the correct FORUM, we seem to be getting a little confused and losing people along the way. I have reached out for some customer service but to no avail.

LOGLINE: Special black ops agent John Brody is summoned to his boss’s office only to find his boss has been replaced under suspicious circumstances.

ESSENCE: John uses his subtle talents of observation and deception to gather intel.

SCENE: INT – MODERN HIGHRISE – DAY

JOHN BRODY, 40, fit, ex-military dressed in army fatigues and a black t-shirt, doesn’t seem to notice or care about the armed men or the metal detector at the entrance to Fallon Towers. The lobby is empty except for a solitary elevator whose door slides open as JOHN approaches, almost beckoning him. There is only one button in the elevator, 87. The door closes on JOHN. A beat later the elevator door opens and JOHN steps out on the 87th floor where there is a RECEPTIONIST seated at a desk in front of a rather large, wooden, double-door. JOHN is determined and all business.

JOHN: I’m here to see Mr. Fallon.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Fallon? I’m sorry, sir, there is no one by that name here. Maybe you’re at the wrong building?

JOHN: (incredulous) Zane Christian Fallon? The building’s named after him. Tell him John Brody’s here.

The receptionist looks confused.

JOHN: Eh, fuck it.

John goes for the double door.

RECEPTIONIST: (gets up and follows him) Hey, you can’t just go in there!

INT – EXECUTIVE OFFICE SUITE – DAY

The large modern minimalist office has high ceilings, large abstract paintings line the walls. At the far end of the office is a large oak desk with NICOLAS WATT sitting behind it and a bank of large monitors behind him. John rushes to the desk and stops when he doesn’t recognize the man sitting at the desk. The receptionist comes running up behind John.

RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry sir, I tried to stop him.

NICK: It’s okay, Janice. He’s fine. (waves her away) And please close the doors on your way. (quieter to John) It’s her first day.

JOHN: Who the fuck are you and where’s Fallon?

NICK: I’m sorry, John. Of course, how rude of me. (he stands and extends his hand) Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.

John doesn’t shake his hand. He just stares at Nick. After a beat, Nick retracts his hand.

NICK: Please, please, have a seat. (he gestures to a long white leather, low-backed Scandinavian design couch.

JOHN: (stays standing) And Fallon?

NICK: Ah yes, Mr. Fallon. He retired.

JOHN: Retired? When?

NICK: It’s been years. But of course, how would you know. With your lengthy rehabilitation in the Andes’, it was truly a miracle that you survived the mission.

JOHN: He’d sooner die than retire.

NICK: Well, John, people do change their minds.

JOHN: Or have their minds changed for them?

NICK: That too. (beat) Now, John Brody, to what do I owe this pleasure?

John drops an envelope on the desk and turns his attention to a large painting on the wall to his right, his back to Nick. In the lower righthand corner of the painting are the initials of the artist ZCF.

NICK: What’s this?

JOHN: Courier delivered it yesterday. (beat) Nice paintings, you have great taste.

NICK: I do, thank you. But, that came with the office, they all did. Not really my style, but I’ve just been too busy to get rid of them. Running above-top-secret black ops leaves little time for art appreciation.

Nick removes the letter from the blank envelope. The letter says. MEET ME AT THE TOWERS and is signed by Zane Fallon. After a beat, Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile.

NICK: Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you? Old Marine buddy, maybe?

JOHN: I don’t have any (distaste) buddies.

NICK: Well, I’m sure there is a logical explanation for it. But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.

JOHN: He might have. I mean, he’s not dead, right?

Nick puts his hand on the Glock strapped beneath the desktop. They lock eyes, unsure of each other. Then they burst into forced and nervous laughter.

NICK: I had no idea you had such a sense of humor, Mr. Brody. If I knew how to get ahold of him I would tell you, but alas, he’s kept his whereabouts extremely private.

Nick hands the letter back to John.

JOHN: Yeah, you’re probably right. Just a mix-up. I’ll get out of your hair.

NICK: Of course, I am. It was a pleasure to finally meet, John Brody.

JOHN: Likewise

John nods and heads for the double door.

INT – FALLON TOWERS, JANICE’S DESK – LATER

JOHN: Watt asked me to tell you to go to lunch, he’s on an important call and doesn’t want to be interrupted.

JANICE: What? I already had lunch. I better just ask Mr—

JOHN: Now, we don’t want to upset the boss on the first day. (he helps her up by the elbow) Here you go. (he takes her purse from the floor by her chair and shoves into her arms) In fact, take the rest of the day off.

John is escorting her toward the elevator.

JANICE: (confused and getting farther from her desk) I really should just check—

JOHN: Janice, you don’t want to see Watt pissed off, and how would getting fired on your first day look? He said he’ll see you tomorrow at 9 AM sharp.

John shoves Janice into the elevator where she stands with her coat half on and holding her purse with both hands, looking the most confused yet.

JANICE: But I start work at 7.

John presses the button and the door closes as Janice is still speaking.

JOHN: Alright, see ya then.

John goes back over to her desk where her office phone is. There is a blinking red light next to FALLON and a number on the phone’s LCD screen. John jots down the number using a pen and Post-it from Janice’s desk.

JOHN: Don’t worry, boss. I’m coming to save you.

END SCENE

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

@cheryl croasmun IS this the forum to post our QE cycle #2 First drafts?

Maybe changing the names of these forums so they align with the assignments would make it easier for us and also save some time trying to figure out where the 1st draft goes, where the 2nd draft goes, and where the critiques go.

Thank you

George

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

GEORGE VERONGOS

REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE

LESSON #5 QE CYCLE #1

INT. CROWDED NOLA CLUB – MARDI GRAS – NIGHT

ROBERT (middle-aged, dressed in business casual like he just left the office) sits by himself at the bar, sipping his rum & coke, waiting for his Tinder date, and feeling sorry for himself. Loud dance music is playing.

ROBERT: (VO internal thought) Pops would be disgusted if he knew his 45-year-old son was blind internet dating. Heh, he’d probably literally kill me. Rest his soul.

A swarm of well-dressed model types enters the club. Robert watches over his shoulder as the swarm descends on a few VIP booths. In the center of the swarm is TRENT (late 30s, well-coiffed, and the best dressed complete with silk-lined cape and hand-carved cane with a solid platinum handle).

Robert gets up and makes his way through the sea of drunk tourists running into him, spilling his drink.

ROBERT: (shouting over the music) Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me.

Trent sits in the center flanked by gorgeous women and beautiful men and two bodyguards. Champagne is flowing. He catches Robert’s eye and waves him over. Robert hands his empty glass to a bouncer and winks.

TRENT: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise. I’ve never seen you in here before. You don’t seem like a clubbing kind.

ROBERT: I’m not usually, but Tinder dates, you know. (shrugs)

TRENT: (guffaws) No, thankfully I don’t know. (overly friendly) Come, sit, have some champagne. (to his minions) Pour Bobby a glass of champagne. (to his other side) And make some room for him in the booth.

There’s a flurry of action as the entourage jumps at Trent’s orders.

ROBERT: No thanks. I can’t stay, Tinder date and all.

Trent opens his cape, showing the gun in his shoulder holster.

TRENT: I’m sure you can spare a few minutes.

ROBERT: Oh my God, are you wearing a cape?

TRENT: (through clenched teeth) Sit. Down.

Robert puts his hands up in submission and slides all the way into the booth right next to Trent, as a flute of champagne is placed in front of him.

TRENT: There, that’s better, isn’t it?

ROBERT: (sarcastically) Cozy. That looks expensive. (referring to the champagne)

TRENT: Nothing but the best.

Trent raises his glass and they drink.

TRENT: You know, I’m glad I ran into you.

ROBERT: Yeah? Why is that? Holy shit, is that a pimp cane?

Trent ignores him.

TRENT: I have a favor to ask of you?

ROBERT: Flashing your gun at me is an odd way to ask for a favor, don’tcha think?

Trent pokes Robert in the ribs with his gun, still concealed in his cape.

ROBERT: Easy now, you don’t want to get your hairs out of order. (nods towards Trent’s perfect hair)

TRENT: (clenched teeth, he pounds the table) I’m not asking. I’m telling.

Trent’s table-pounding gets the attention of the GUY sitting on the other side of Robert.

ROBERT: (turns towards the guy) It’s just his syphilis flaring up, makes him testy.

GUY: (shocked and horrified) Big T’s got syphilis?

Robert nods. The guy immediately turns & whispers into the ear of the model sitting next to him.

TRENT: (clenched teeth) Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t waste you right here.

ROBERT: Let’s just calm down a second here. You haven’t even aske—I mean, TOLD me the favor yet.

Trent removes the gun from Robert’s ribs.

TRENT: (clears through and leans closer almost whispering) I want you to call your boss and convince him to front me some stuff, you know, vouch for me.

ROBERT: You know I can’t do that, T. You still owe for the last delivery, and I can’t just go calling up Mr. Dragon and asking for charity, I don’t even have his number. Shit, no one even knows what he looks like.

TRENT: Please, keep your voice down. (looks around) It’s not charity, it’s a deal.

ROBERT: You know how secretive Mr. Dragon is; rumor has it that only his three personal bodyguards have ever seen his face. And they each wear a ring with a hidden cyanide tablet in case they might compromise his identity.

Trent pokes his gun into Robert’s ribs again.

There is a very beautiful but very DRUNK WOMAN on the other side of Trent. She mumbles incoherently across the table.

TRENT: What’s that, baby?

DRUNK WOMAN: (Shouting) Gimme a bump, Daddy, I could really use it.

TRENT: Later. Let the big boys talk.

Robert leans over to talk into Trent’s ear.

ROBERT: Ohhhh, they don’t know you’re out of dope, do they? Tisk tisk. And here I thought they hung around you for your magnetic personality.

TRENT: Shut the fuck up, Bobby. The odds of you getting shot tonight just went up.

ROBERT: Hey sweetheart. Here.

He pushes a small Ziploc baggie of white powder past Trent and in front of the drunk woman. She grabs it and stumbles her way to the bathroom. Trent removes the gun from Robert’s ribs out of appreciation.

TRENT: It’s still pointing at you.

ROBERT: Okay, I guess I can text DINO, but I can’t make any promises. But what do I tell him? What’s this deal.

TRENT: Tell him that if he fronts me half of the regular shipment, I’ll sell it and pay him what owe from the last order. Then he gives me the second half upfront, I sell it and then pay him back for the new shipment I just sold. It’s a win-win-win.

ROBERT: A win-win-win?

TRENT: Yeah, all three of us win. I maintain my lifestyle, Dragon gets all his money, and you don’t get shot.

ROBERT: Ahhh, I see. Alright, I’ll text Dino and see if he’ll get the message to Dragon.

TRENT: I knew you’d see it my way, and put a little effort in, Bobby. You do realize, if this doesn’t fly, I’m gonna have to shoot you. No hard feelings, business is business.

ROBERT: Oh sure, business is business.

Robert acts matter-of-fact and sends his texts, glancing at Trent’s muscle, and scanning the crowd.

ROBERT: Now we wait.

—A FEW MINUTES LATER—

Robert’s phone lights up with a text.

TRENT: Well?

ROBERT: Mr. Dragon agrees.

Trent tries to hide his elation.

TRENT: Excellent. (raising his glass) This is a cause for celebration.

They drink.

ROBERT: Hey, what do ya say we go to the little boys’ room and sample some of the stuff?

TRENT: (Friendlier) That’s a great idea, Bobby. After you, my friend.

They slide out of the booth and Trent tells his thugs to stay put as he follows Robert through the crowd to the bathroom. The music is too loud to hear the click of Trent’s cane on the floor.

INT. MEN’S ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Robert enters the bathroom followed by Trent. As soon as Trent is in the bathroom, he hears the door lock behind him and feels cold steel against his temple.

GUNMAN: Hands up. Nice and easy. No sudden moves.

Trent looks at Robert who has his arms above his head already.

TRENT: You’re making a big mistake, buddy. Do you know who you’re fucking with?

GUNMAN: I said hands up, nice and slow, Big T.

ROBERT: I guess he does know who he’s fucking with.

Trent gives Robert an if-looks-could-kill look and raises his hands. Robert just shrugs, hands still in the air.

GUNMAN: (To Robert) You there. Reach into his er… are you wearing a cape?

ROBERT: I know, right?

GUNMAN: Reach into his cape and take out the weapon. And no funny business.

Robert gingerly takes the gun from the holster, holding it with his thumb and forefinger like it’s a dead mouse.

GUNMAN: Put it on the floor.

Robert does as he says and puts his hands back up.

TRENT: What the fuck, why didn’t you do something? You had a fucking gun in your hand.

GUNMAN: Shut the fuck up.

The Gunman presses the barrel into Trent’s temple even harder.

Two stall doors open and out walk two huge, overly-muscled men punching their own palms.

TRENT: Who the fuck are you guys?

GUNMAN: I said shut the fuck up.

He cracks Trent in the head with the side of his gun. Trent winces but stays quiet.

GUNMAN: What do you want us to do with him, boss? Kill ‘em?

ROBERT: (lowers hands) No, he still owes me from the last shipment.

Trent looks up at Robert in shock.

TRENT: You? YOU! You’re Dragon?

ROBERT: Guilty.

TRENT: But all that bullshit out there… you were just toying with me? Fuck me. You didn’t even have a date you came here looking for me.

Robert smiles and shrugs.

ROBERT: Well, gentlemen, I must be going. You all have fun playing together.

TRENT: Wait, Bobby, er I mean Mr. Dragon. What about our deal?

ROBERT: (to his thugs) Do whatever you boys want with him, but he does owe me 50 grand so, leave him breathing at least.

TRENT: (near tears) Mr. Dragon, wait, please.

ROBERT: Sorry Trent. Nothing personal, business is business.

Robert exits the bathroom just as the violence erupts, and he disappears into the crowd.

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

INT. CROWDED NOLA CLUB – MARDI GRAS – NIGHT

ROBERT sips his rum & coke, scanning the crowded club for TRENT. Trent enters the club with his unnecessarily large entourage and settles down in the VIP booth towards the back where the music isn’t too loud and they’re closer to the bathrooms for convenient bumps and fat rails. Robert makes his way through the sea of drunk tourists to Trent’s booth.

Drunks run into Robert spilling some of his drink, repeatedly. Dance music blaring.

ROBERT: (shouting over the music) Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me.

He slips on some discarded beads on the floor, spilling the last of his drink.

Trent waves Robert back to the booth. Robert hands his empty glass to the bouncer at the VIP entrance and gives him a wink.

TRENT: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise. I’ve never seen you in here before. You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who goes clubbing.

ROBERT: I’m not usually, but Tinder dates, you know.

TRENT: And without a drink, what a shame. Come, sit, have some champagne. (To one of his minions) Pour Bobby a glass of champagne. (To a different minion) And make some room for him in the booth.

There’s a flurry of action as the entourage follows Trent’s orders.

ROBERT: No thanks. I can’t stay, Tinder date and all. I just saw you and wanted to be respectful and say hello.

Trent opens his suit jacket, showing the gun in his shoulder holster.

TRENT: I’m sure you can spare a few minutes.

ROBERT: (Looking between the gun and Trent’s face) Yeah, now’s not real good for me.

TRENT: (Through clenched teeth) Sit. Down.

Robert puts his hands up in submission and slides all the way into the booth right next to Trent, as a flute of champagne is placed in front of him.

TRENT: There, that’s better, isn’t it?

Robert takes a sip of champagne.

ROBERT: (Sarcastically) Cozy. (Smacking his lips) That tastes expensive.

TRENT: Nothing but the best.

They toast and drink.

TRENT: You know, I’m glad I ran into you.

ROBERT: You are? Under different circumstances, I would almost believe you.

TRENT: Why do you say that?

Robert stalls by taking another sip and eyes Tent’s muscle, he doesn’t see any weapons on anyone besides Tent, which makes him feel slightly better.

ROBERT: Because of yesterday’s… um, how should I put this? Misunderstanding.

TRENT: Meh, business is business. Nothing personal. (Louder for the entire entourage to hear) To Bobby! (Trent raises his glass and all follow) A useless businessman and an all-around piece of shit!

Everyone cheers and drinks not really caring what Trent said, most not even hearing, except for Robert. He’s thrown off by Trent’s odd toast and realizes he may be in danger.

ROBERT: Look, man. I did what I promised I would do; I organized the deal. What happens after that ain’t my problem.

TRENT: I’m making it your fucking problem. I told you I was good for it, and then Dragon would get all his money after I unloaded a few keys.

ROBERT: You already owe money from the last time. Mr. Dragon ain’t running a charity organization.

Trent pokes Robert through his jacket with his pistol and leans in closer.

TRENT: (Clenching his teeth, again) Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t waste you right here.

Robert pats the air with both hands.

ROBERT: Take it easy, now. You know Mr. Dragon wouldn’t like that one bit, not to mention the mess. You wouldn’t be able to show your face in here again. Hell, you’d probably have to skip town.

TRENT: (Parroting) You know Mr. Dragon wouldn’t like that, (not parroting) fuck the Dragon and fuck you too. You’re merely a pawn, Robert. A pawn doing his king’s bidding. Dragon doesn’t give a shit about you; he doesn’t even know your name. You are expendable. Face it.

Robert feels the pistol cock against his side and swallows hard.

ROBERT: Let’s just calm down a second here. I can fix this.

Robert looks sincerely into Trent’s eyes and then glances down to where the muzzle is pressed against him, then back to Trent’s eyes. Trent removes the gun from Robert’s side.

TRENT: It’s still pointed at you.

ROBERT: Alright. Just be cool. Let me text my date and cancel before she shows up—that would be awkward—then we can figure this out. Okay? (friendly)I’m gonna just get my phone out.

Trent nods and Robert carefully removed his phone and texts his Tinder date.

ROBERT: There. Now, let’s try to work it out so that you get your product, Dragon gets paid, and I don’t get a bullet to the spleen.

TRENT: I’m listening. But my patience is growing thin.

ROBERT: There would be a little bit of a compromise from both parties, so no one is going to get exactly what they want when they want it. But bonus; no one has to get shot.

TRENT: It doesn’t bother me if someone gets shot in the process. Especially if it’s you.

ROBERT: Point taken. Now, here’s what we do. I’ll call Mr. Dragon–

TRENT: (Interrupting) Call Dragon? You?

ROBERT: (Nodding) Yeah.

TRENT: You take me for a greenhorn, Bobby? No one just calls Dragon. Few people talk directly to the man and even fewer know who he is. There is no fucking way a punk like you would ever have the ear of a man like Dragon.

ROBERT: That’s true, only his three bodyguards know who he is and rumor has it they all carry cyanide pills in their pinky rings in case someone tries to make them talk.

TRENT: Loyalty. I like that.

ROBERT: But, I can make some calls and get messages to him.

TRENT: And what are you going to tell him?

ROBERT: I’ll ask him that if you pay what you already owe him, then he’ll front you half of the stuff to sell. Then all you do is sell that half and then pay for the current shipment and then he releases the other half to you.

TRENT: Why the fuck would he do that?

ROBERT: You guys have been doing business a long time. He’ll respect that. And this is easier than him being out all the money you owe him and having to deal with you, or at least your body because he would have to make an example out of you.

TRENT: Even if Dragon agrees to it, where am I gonna get that kind of money without any dope to sell?

ROBERT: Loan?

TRENT: Pfft. I knew you were full of shit. Sharks are for chum, like low-life addicts and compulsive gamblers.

ROBERT: But it would only be for a few days, right? You could unload half and pay him back in 72 hours. Fat Tony owes me a favor, I could use it to keep the interest low.

TRENT: You’d do that for me. Why?

ROBERT: I’d do it to keep from getting shot.

Trent takes his hand out of his jacket, sips his warm champagne, and ponders this compromise. Robert watches Trent closely.

ROBERT: I’ll try to get a message to Dragon first since it may take a little while. Then I’ll call Fat Tony.

Trent starts to nod his head.

TRENT: Okay, alright. But you do realize, if this doesn’t fly, I’m gonna have to shoot you. Business is business.

ROBERT: Right, you said that already. But yeah, business is business.

Robert acts matter-of-fact and sends his texts, glancing at Trent’s muscle, and scanning the crowd.

ROBERT: Alright. Hopefully, we’ll get word from Mr. Dragon soon. Now we just wait.

There is a very beautiful but very DRUNK WOMAN on the other side of Trent. She mumbles incoherently across the table.

TRENT: What’s that, baby?

DRUNK WOMAN: (Shouting) Gimme a bump, Daddy, I could really use it.

TRENT: Later. Let the big boys talk.

Robert couldn’t help himself. He leans over to talk into Trent’s ear.

ROBERT: Ohhhh, they don’t know you’re out of dope, do they. Tisk tisk. And here I thought they hung around you for your magnetic personality.

TRENT: Shut the fuck up, Bobby. The odds of you getting shot tonight just went up.

ROBERT: Here.

He pushes a small Ziploc baggie of white powder in front of Trent. Trent looks at him incredulously.

TRENT: What’s this for?

ROBERT: To keep the plebs happy, especially the hot ones.

Trent almost smiles.

TRENT: Hey, here.

Trent tosses the baggie in front of the drunk woman.

TRENT: Now shut the fuck up.

She ignores him and stumbles her way to the bathroom. Robert’s phone lights up with a text, he reads it.

TRENT: Well?

ROBERT: My guy left a message for Dragon; it shouldn’t be too long.

A server refills their glasses.

Trent nods and then scrolls through his phone. As the silence grows more awkward, he starts second guessing himself. Robert’s phone lights up with a text.

ROBERT: Mr. Dragon agrees.

Trent tries to hide his elation.

TRENT: Impressive. (Raising his glass) To Bobby, for coming through.

No one heard him, but everyone cheers and drinks.

ROBERT: Hey, what do ya say we go to the little boys’ room and sample some of the shipment you’re gonna get?

TRENT: (Friendlier) You’re just full of good ideas tonight, Bobby. After you, my friend.

They slide out of the booth and Trent tells his thugs to stay put as he follows Robert past the VIP bouncer and through the crowd to the bathroom. The music is to loud to talk, so they walk in silence.

INT. MEN’S ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Robert enters the bathroom followed by Trent. As soon as Trent is in the bathroom, he hears the door lock behind him and feels cold steal against his temple.

GUNMAN: Hands up. Nice and easy. No sudden moves.

Trent looks at Robert who has his arms above his head already.

TRENT: You got the wrong guy, buddy. Do you know who you’re fucking with?

GUNMAN: I said hands up, nice and slow, Trent.

ROBERT: I guess he does know who he’s fucking with.

Trent gives Robert a if-looks-could-kill look and raises his hands. Robert just shrugs, hands still in the air.

GUNMAN: (To Robert) You there. Reach into his jacket and take out the weapon. And no funny business.

Robert slowly moves toward Trent, noticing the sweat mustache that has appeared above Trent’s lip. He gingerly takes the gun from the holster, holding it with his thumb and forefinger like it’s a dead mouse.

GUNMAN: Put it on the floor.

Robert does as he says and puts his hands back up.

TRENT: What the fuck, why didn’t you do something? You had a fucking gun in your hand.

GUNMAN: Shut the fuck up.

The Gunman presses the barrel into Trent’s temple even harder.

Two stall doors open and out walk two huge, overly muscled mountains of men licking their lips like hungry wolves and punching their own palms. Before Trent can say a word, one of the guys steps into a right hook sending Trent stumbling back a few steps.

TRENT: Goddamnit…

Trent recovers and shakes his head to clear it.

TRENT: Who the fuck are you guys?

GUNMAN: I said shut the fuck up.

He cracks Trent in the head with the side of his gun. Trent winces but stays quiet.

GUNMAN: What do you want us to do with him, boss? Kill ‘em?

ROBERT: (Lowers hands) No, he still owes me from the last shipment.

Trent looks up at Robert in shock, as a bead of blood rolls from the corner of his mouth.

TRENT: You? YOU! You’re Dragon?

ROBERT: Guilty.

TRENT: But all that bullshit out there… you were just toying with me? Fuck me. You didn’t even have a date.

Robert’s phone rings. He holds up a finger to Trent and answers.

ROBERT: Hey, how you doing, beautiful?

(phone chatter)

ROBERT: I know, babe. I’ll pick you up in twenty.

(phone chatter)

ROBERT: Alright. We’ll meet at Café Du Monde. See ya soon.

Robert hangs up.

ROBERT: Sorry, Tinder dates. (He shrugs) They like to meet in public. Anyway, I must be going. Gentlemen, have fun.

Trent gets out of Robert’s way as he walks to the door.

TRENT: Wait, Bobby, er I mean Mr. Dragon. What about our deal?

ROBERT: (To his thugs) Do whatever you boys want with him, but he has a meeting with Fat Tony in an hour, so he has to be able to walk and talk.

TRENT: (Near tears) Mr. Dragon, wait, please.

ROBERT: Sorry Trent. Nothing personal, business is business.

Robert exits the bathroom just as the violence erupts and disappears into the crowd.

[George Verongos]

Lesson #4 Maximum Interest—Interest Techniques

George Verongos

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that there are many ways to keep an audience interested, not just explosions or big fight scenes, and interest techniques can help with pacing.

Logline: Terry finds out that Toby, his best friend, has been lying to him and keeping secrets.

Essence: Terry is betrayed.

Interest Techniques: Mislead, Betrayal, Intrigue, Surprise

54. INT. TOBY & TAMMY’S HOUSE – LATER

He follows a mover through the open front door, through the house, and into the kitchen, something he has done many times before. Toby’s back is to Terry. He is reaching into the fridge for a beer. Terry looks at his watch, it is 11 AM. He notices the counter is full of crushed empty beer cans and an empty bottle of Jim Beam.

Tammy comes around the corner startled to see Terry.

TAMMY (glaring): You shouldn’t be here.

TOBY: Who you talking to?

He closes the fridge and is shocked to see Terry there when he turns around. He looks horrible, bloodshot eyes, grayish skin, and reeks of alcohol.

TOBY: I guess you heard we’re reassigned.

TERRY: I just wanted to say goodbye. I… wish you good luck…

Toby looks Terry in the eye.

TOBY: Do you remember what happened, Terry? At the campsite?

Tammy brushes past them and clears her throat to interrupt their conversation.

TERRY (swallows hard): Yeah, some of it. They hurt us… I don’t know why, but they hurt us. And our lives are ruined because of it.

Terry is tearing up.

TERRY: I better go.

TOBY: Hold on. There’s something I gotta say to you, something that’s been weighing on me, and I don’t get it off my chest now, I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance again.

TERRY: What is it?

TOBY: It was my fault.

Terry gives Toby a confused look.

TOBY: They told me to take you there.

TERRY: They? They who? Who told you?

Terry’s voice raises.

TOBY: Sgt. Elliot, he told me when and where to take you. He said the AF was testing a new helicopter and wanted surprise reactions from airmen. He suggested I take you.

Toby starts crying a little.

TOBY: I’m so sorry, Terry.

TERRY: Sgt. Elliot, our CO? Why? And you knew? Why would you let those horrible things torture us?

Terry slides between shock and anger. Movers carrying boxes, etc., past them give them side-eyes.

TOBY: No, Terry. I didn’t know about those, those creatures. Please believe me. Why would I ever agree to be subjected to that? I just thought we were going to see some new tech together. Sarg lied to me. Terry, brother, please.

Terry puts the pieces together.

TERRY: I believe you, Tobe. But it doesn’t explain why Sarg would lie or why they’re treating us like criminals. You did what he wanted you to do, so why punish us?

Sheila honks the horn for Terry.

TERRY: That’s Sheila. I better go.

Terry puts his hand out to Toby, who grasps it and pulls Terry to him in a one-armed man hug and bursts into tears.

TERRY: You’re gonna be alright, brother. We’re gonna be alright.

Sheila honks more urgently. Toby wipes at his tears.

TOBY: Thank you, Terry. For everything. Love ya, brother.

TERRY: Love ya too, man.

Sheila just lays on the horn.

TERRY: She’s a little impatient. She didn’t want me to see you.

Terry turns and walks toward the open front door, through which he sees there is an unmarked military police car behind Sheila, boxing her in. The OFFICER in the passenger side waves and smiles sarcastically at Terry when he exits Toby’s house. Terry ignores them.

[George Verongos]

Lesson #3

George Verongos gets Deep Into His Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… core traits help to guide each character’s reaction/interaction/action, instead of having a reaction in mind and forcing a momentary trait onto a character for the sake of a scene.

Person 1:

• Guarded
• Mouthy
• Daring
• Empathetic

Person 2:

• Naïve
• Self-conscious
• Follower
• Introvert

Person 3:

• Overconfident
• Shallow
• Conniving
• Demanding

[George Verongos]

George Verongos puts essence to work!

What I’ve learned is… subtext comes more naturally when I define my essence. Even finding the essence in what I previously thought were just “maintenance” scenes, new and meaningful subtext keeps the script interesting. This is basically something Hal said previously, but experiencing it is very cool.

Scene 1 Location: End of Act 1

Logline: Dad takes Terry to the family doctor to reinforce that Terry is experiencing nightmares and not alien contact, easing the building tension at home.

Essence I’ve discovered: A father fears his only son is going insane and seeks the assurance of a doctor that he is not to preserve his own ego.

New Logline: Father takes son to doctor to convince them both that the son is not extraordinary.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1

Logline: Dad and doctor tell Terry his nightmares are caused by too much TV and an overactive imagination.

Essence I’ve discovered: Children aren’t taken seriously.

New Logline: Terry feels betrayed that he’s being dismissed by adults he is supposed to trust, after spilling his guts to the family doctor.

Scene 3 Location: Beginning of Act 2

Logline: Sheila and Tammy tease their husbands on the eve of their husbands’ first ever camping trip.

Essence I’ve discovered: Two men rationalize that they have free will.

New Logline: Terry and Toby try to convince their wives and themselves that their sudden interest in camping is organic and not being influenced by other powers.

Scene 4 Location: Beginning of Act 2

Logline: Two novice campers hurry to set up camp before dark and realize they forgot some supplies.

Essence I’ve discovered: Something is causing normally calm, rational, organized men to act irrationally.

New Logline: A series of seemingly innocuous incidents of carelessness has two men questioning their wits.

Scene 5 Location: Beginning of Act 3

Logline: Under hypnosis, Terry recalls his alien handler Betty taking him to a daycare filled with human, alien, and hybrid children.

Essence I’ve discovered: Terry felt a sense of belonging when he was with the aliens and hybrids.

New Logline: Terry realizes he isn’t 100% human.

[George Verongos]

Lesson #1

George Finds the Essence

What I learned is that there is more depth to great writing and it all

starts with getting to the essence of what you want to write.

Script I choose: APOCALYPSE NOW

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act One

Logline: Charlie suggests that maintaining America’s economic dominance may require using America’s military dominance while his bodyguard Willard, a vet, listens quietly to his boss’s assertions.

Essence: Charlie isn’t above using force, even on a grand scale, to enrich himself and maintain dominance.

Scene 2 Location: Middle of Act One

Logline: Willard studies Kurtz’s dossier, noting his accomplishments and talents and that the military planned to exploit him.

Essence: Kurtz’s journey into madness was caused by the military.

Scene 3 Location: Middle of Act One

Logline: Soldiers riot from gawking at Playboy models, unable to control their animalistic urges.

Essence: War is brutal.

Scene 4 Location: Latter Middle of Act One

Logline: Colonel Kilgore is made aware that one of the soldiers traveling with Willard is a famous surfer of which he is a huge fan.

Essence: Brutality and murder are compartmentalized by Kilgore, allowing him to have civilian hobbies and recognize greatness outside of war.

Scene 5 Location: End of Act One

Logline: Kilgore begins an air raid on a civilian fishing village while scoping out killer waves, as the villagers scramble to defend themselves from yet another military attack.

Essence: Another day at the office for one person could be the last day on earth for another.

My selection for most profound essence is Scene 3 Location: Middle of Act One

Logline: Soldiers riot from gawking at Playboy models, unable to control their animalistic urges.

31 FULL SHOT – PEDESTAL – GIRLS – MEN

They crush forward starting to scream — men fall on the

wire — the guards in the “riot control positions” forget

— the attack dogs are trampled. The mob as one surges

forward onto the wire. Men scream and fall into the moat,

which is filling up fast. The Agent sees this all as he

has seen it before. He casually pulls the pin of a smoke

grenade; the girls retreat into the copter — he follows,

then the two Green Berets. The ROTARS WHINE — the black

Playboy Huey lifts off just as the first crazed men reach

it. They grab frantically for the wheels, but miss. The

Huey wheels up into the blue sky, leaving them all below.

Such are the ways of war.

Essence: War is brutal.

War changes a person and even thought these soldiers are being treated to entertainment, they can’t control themselves or their most basic drives. They have been broken down and dehumanized, stripped of remorse and empathy. The military knows this, hence the moat, punji stakes, and barbed wire surrounding the stage where the Playboy models will perform.

[George Verongos]

I, George Verongos, agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[George Verongos]

Hey there everyone,

My name is George Verongos I have written one spec script based on a book. I’ve written a few books and I work as a book editor. I hope to learn more about scriptwriting and open new doors for me to create more. I was a high school dropout that ended up teaching high school English for about ten years… the irony!

[George Verongos]

@Edward Lusk Oh, I just saw this as I was posting my critique. Sorry Ed. I guess you critiqued my 1st draft. LOL

Thanks for the feedback. I took some of your advice before I even read it Ha!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  George Verongos.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

QE#4 CRITIQUE for @Edward Lusk

Renee: The refreshments could be seen as prissy and outgoing. Her recitation of the merits of real art could be her conformist trait. I’m not sure about the deviousness. I think they could be a little stronger to make her character more different from Maxine. Subtext: Since Jay isn’t obviously the subject of her painting, I’m not clear on her deviousness or what she feels entitled about. Does she think she deserves Jay? Is he the prize?

Maxine: She is tricky and snobby for sure. She’s wounded by Jay choosing Renee over her for an affair? I think. Artists just seem intrinsically passionate so. I do think their traits kind of crossover here and there. More polar characters could make the exchange more tension-filled. Subtext: Was what Maxine wanted was to sell a piece? Or did she think she plotting to get Jay for herself?

I feel like with Jay being sort of aloof, both Maxine and Renee are delusional. I was questioning if Renee had even really had a one-nighter with Jay. The situation is interesting, but I am also not super sure that the secret of Jay’s affair is exposed. So I think the situation could be nailed down a bit more. What if Jay realizes what is going on and propositions the two artists to a threesome or something over the top like that. OR maybe Jay is the one who spills that the secret is out? The situation is pretty funny

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

Absolutely, I’ll see you in the critique forum…

[George Verongos]

Thank you, Kristina. I appreciate the feedback.

I had a toss-up between the cliffhanger ending and the mess in the scene arc. i was stumped, but I like the idea that Nancy and Squire get banned from the prom.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  George Verongos.

[George Verongos]

I agree, Ed. Let’s do it.

[George Verongos]

I agree, Rewrites in 15, critiques in 16.

[George Verongos]

Great job on the characters Kristina, you could almost feel the friction. And it was funny, too.

[George Verongos]

I love your characters and the classic sort of noir feel, but with a modern twist. I’d love to read more when this class is finished.

[George Verongos]

Thank you for this opportunity, Judith.

A bit of a disclaimer, I am a total newcomer to screenplays, so my critiques lack the insight and experience of the more seasoned screenwriters in this group. But I hope this course helps to improve my critiquing skills along with my writing skills.

Situation and scene arc: John is the good guy and wants to know why Nick killed their father. The idea that Nick was being abused so John wouldn’t be is hard to believe since their age difference is at least 15 years. Maybe them being twins would be a cool idea? I also didn’t understand the part about being a plumber, but I guess that is sort of a reveal about the father.

JOHN’S TRAITS: The only trait I was clear on was his loyalty to his father. You could say he was daring but when you have supernatural powers, that sort of negates daring unless he is actually in danger, but John seems lawless in this scene. I did catch the loner trait but not him being distrustful.

SUBTEXT: I did not clearly see John’s subtext, if Nick killed their father and is in prison, and presumably doesn’t have any supernatural talents, I couldn’t figure out where the tricking of Nick came in. He murdered his own father so Nick has already shown his worst side.

NICK TRAITS: Nick’s confidence and conniving weren’t clear to me. Killing his father is an act of rebellion and Nick taking the abuse for his brother can be seen as giving. Or was Nick lying about the abuse? I couldn’t tell.

SUBTEXT: I did not see how Nick was conniving or how he manipulated anyone to take advantage of them.

INTEREST TECHNIQUES: It was hard for me to discern these techniques, but they may have been too subtle for my novice eyes. I did see BETRAYAL in Nick killing their father and maybe even when John turns Nick into a puddle, and also the way the father betrayed the two sons. SUSPENSE seems hard to pull off in a controlled setting like prison visitation since it is so controlled. The magic was a TWIST and a SURPRISE but it wouldn’t be if the audience already knows John has superpowers from previous scenes. A different setting perhaps or revealing more of the backstory would make this scene more interesting to me. Not sure about the MISLEAD, but the REVEAL of why Nick killed their father is shocking. I didn’t notice any CHARACTER CHANGE or DRAMATIC IRONY, though Nick seems a little manic. Nick does seem to experience some FEAR but no HOPE. I also didn’t see any obvious INTRIGUE.

I think it would be more impactful to set it up a little so we already know about John’s powers OR the reveal of his powers was built up more. I was left with some questions like, did Nick know about John’s powers, was Nick telling the truth about their father, and the one that jumped out at me first was if John had so much power why even bother with the visitation room when those protective barriers didn’t keep Nick safe or impede John from controlling the activity on the other side of the glass. Maybe a different setting would give the characters and scene more freedom to express all these elements.

Thanks for letting me critique and contributing to my new knowledge, sorry my critiquing isn’t more insightful. 🙂

[George Verongos]

Hey Kristina,

I first wanted to thank you for critiquing with me. I am by far the least experienced in screenwriting in this group, and your feedback is very valuable to me. I only wish I was more experienced to be able to give you more insightful feedback. I will remember this to pay it forward when my screenwriting chops are developed. 🙂

Here is your critique…

Very cool and creative premise with the suicide by the hand of the father of the object of Nick’s thwarted affections. But, I am unclear on what info John (assuming he’s the good guy) was trying to get from Nick.

I do like that the face-off didn’t lead to violence, that seemed too easy to me so I like that the situation was diffused and how it was diffused.

JOHN: I can see him being daring by calling off the duel, distrustful when he accuses Nick of being part of a conspiracy to vote him off the council, loyalty wasn’t super obvious to me, maybe his general loyalty to being a good father, he even father’s Nick a little, and the loner bit is obvious from Nick making fun of him not having any friends.

SUBTEXT: His distrust is obvious, near paranoia with the conspiracy, but I can’t pinpoint where he tricks people into showing their worst side. His secretly canceling the duel says more about him being very wise and not ever taking Nick seriously yet he also shows Nick respect by showing up.

NICK: He is obviously confident in instigating the duel even if it is to aid in his suicide, which is his conniving trait, his rebelliousness could be seen as his willingness to commit suicide, and his apple sharing illustrates his giving trait.

SUBTEXT: He didn’t succeed in taking advantage of manipulating John, but I think this is due more to John’s character traits that aren’t listed, like him having wise foresight to know this young man wasn’t going to die by his hand before they even met for the duel. And Nick comes across as naïve and ruled by his inflated emotions.

I really like the added traits and how they unfold in the scene, they make the characters more complex and realistic to me. I was able to sort of see the events leading up to and following this scene, which I believe is a great writing skill to have.

I’m looking at this list of Interest Techniques and I can see almost all of them save for two.

More interesting setting: Maybe I was alone in this but when I first heard the premise, I thought “DUEL”, it is the classic stand-off. So maybe a different setting, but the duel set-up works well for this exercise, subjective I guess 🙂

Betrayal was also hard for me to pick out, but Nick sort of betrayed himself, and he also felt betrayed by Rebecca or at least hurt. But the other 8 techniques were obvious to me, so really good job doing that.

I wish Hal would give each of us notes on a scene like a real producer would, I think that would be invaluable since not all of us are on the same level when it comes to script experience.

Keep up the good work!

[George Verongos]

Thanks, Kristina.

[George Verongos]

Thanks for taking the time to give me this valuable feedback.

You are so right about the wait while the texting is happening. I think that would be a good time for the DRUNK WOMAN to interrupt and they do the little baggie hand-off, which I didn’t think of until reading your feedback, so thank you for that! Very cool.

And I agree about my use of subtext; I hope to improve on that as well as learn how to effectively edit a scene down to make it direct and to the point as far as the page length goes.

I appreciate that you took the time to read and critique, Edward, thanks.

G

[George Verongos]

Full transparency here, I have never critiqued a script before, I’m used to giving feedback on novels and nonfiction, but I will use the traits, subtext, max interest tech best I can.

I did see a general improvement in some stuff from the first draft, but it was more a refining of those more subtle traits I saw. I love the setting and the characters are well-developed (I could see them) and their dialogue seemed very appropriate for their character. I like how you showed ROBERT being a bit of a gossip.

I didn’t really see TRENT’s meticulousness or his neediness as well as ROBERT’s secretiveness. But the subtext was there.

I didn’t think that dialogue in the middle was too much like Gary and you both mentioned, but being able to shorten a scene and still have it tick all the boxes is something I really need to work on so I look forward to seeing how everyone else does.

I do have very limited exposure to screenwriting and am self-taught up to this point so my feedback needs a side of a grain of salt 🙂

Great job, Kristina. I’m looking forward to our next exercise to see what you do.

G

[George Verongos]

Thank you for taking the time to critique my scene, Gary.

I liked the first version more as well, I just pretended I was getting producer notes and filling where I thought deficiencies were, but yeah, I agree.

I love your ideas about keeping the Dragon’s identity secret by not telling TRENT, Kristina suggested that as well and I think it would be an awesome detail.

The motivation is lacking, I know. The first draft was more that ROBERT(Dragon) “accidentally on purpose” runs into TRENT, and then presents a plan to TRENT so he (Dragon) could get the money TRENT owes him, so I tried to flip it so that the deal was TRENT’s idea to show he was conspiring, but I guess drug dealers are automatically conspiring now that I think about it.

I definitely need to work on trimming things down, I tried to reduce my original of 6 pages down to 4, but the scene suffered. I hope to learn more throughout the class about editing out stuff that doesn’t serve the scene/script. So feel free to make any suggestions in the future.

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate that you took the time.

G

[George Verongos]

Thanks for the critique, Kristina.

I agree with you, I also liked the first version, but I thought I needed to make a) ROBERT more obviously self-loathing, b) TRENT more lavish, and c) make TRENT more conspiring, and finally, d) I wanted to try to get my six pages down to four, which Hal had mentioned in one of the critique videos.

I love your ideas about keeping the Dragon’s identity secret by not telling TRENT. I would definitely use that. And would nix the cape and the VO, for sure.

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate that you took the time.

G