[Gordon Roback]

Gordon Roback – Draft 2 Query Letter

Camerone

Action Adventure

What would you do if you were surrounded, vastly outnumbered and low on ammunition?

Would you surrender or would you fight? You are out of food and water. The men of your company are hit, one by one, but you refuse to surrender. Then, when out of ammunition, would you and the other five men still standing fix bayonetes and charge the attacking army?

This is the ultimate Alamo story. It took place in 1863 when France invaded Mexicoduring the American Civil War. The screenplay is based on the true events.

a) A company of the French Foreign Legion is the advance guard of a gold shipment to pay the French soldiers besieging Mexico City. If the gold is lost, this would be the end of the French invasion. Captain Danjou is told if you run into trouble the relief column will be two hours behind.

b) After marching all night the 65 men are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans about 7:00 am.

c) They manage to fight their way to a stone house near Camerone and take up defenses.

d) They hold off the Mexicans, even though they are outnumbered 60 to 1.

e) The Mexicans think they have the gold

f) After repulsing several attacks the Legion is surrounded by huge piles of Mexican dead.

g) By 2:00 pm the legion is down to 20 men still standing. They are out of water, food and medicine. They are running low on ammunition. But they refuse the offer to surrender.

h) About 3 pm they see a huge dust cloud coming toward them. They cheer, thinking they are being relieved, but it is more Mexicans. A lot more.

i) They now realize their situation is hopeless. But they continue to resist.

j) About 6:00 pm they are out of ammunition. Refusing to surrender, the six Legionnaires still standing fix bayonets and attack the Mexican army.

This is the battle that made the French Foreign Legion a legend.

If you want to understand courage, this is the film to see.

Given the box office success of such films as Zulu, Fury, 300 and 1917 there is a definite market for this kind of film, especially one with the romantic cache of “The French Foreign Legion”

There are many great roles here. In Zulu, his first film, Michael Caine became a star.

A bit about me.

I earned a MFA in film production at the University of Southern California. While there I won a Phi Beta Kappa scholarship in film production and won the Jack Nicholson Award, the senior writing prize of the film school for “The Black Watch”, a war film. The decision of the judges was unanimous.

In addition to optioning five screenplays I have sold another two outright and I was co-writer on “Money”. The feature film and miniseries (two different screenplays) was directed by Steven H Stern and produced by Cinemax (France) and Rene Malo Films (Canada). Another of my scripts is currently being read by a producer on inktip.

I am a Canadian citizen and live in Vancouver, BC.

If you would like to read the screenplay I would be happy to send it to you.

I can be reached at meetfriday@hotmail.com

Sincerely,

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment 10

Gordon Roback I had not thought of looking up the producers of films starring actors I’d like to appear in my film. I now have a wide range of producers to approach.

Camerone: Action Adventure

Before Camerone they were the scum of the earth. After Camerone the men of the French Foreign Legion were regarded as some of the best soldiers in the world.

Five films similar to Camerone: Fury, The Last Duel, Hyena Road, King Arthur and The Messenger (Joan of Arc)

Four Actors: Jake Gyllenhaal, Zac Ephron, Chris Pine and Adam Driver.

Alejandro G. Inarritu (The Revenant) (Mexican Director)

Chris Pine – Wonder Woman

Produced by

Fury producers

David Ayer…producer

Bill Block…producer

Jeremy Johns…co-producer

John Lesher…producer

Anton Lessine…executive producer

Alex Ott…executive produce

rBrad Pitt…executive producer

Sasha Shapiro…executive producer

Ethan Smith…producer

Owen Thornton…associate producer

Ben Waisbren…executive producer

Heyena Road Produced by

Jake Gyllenhaal Prince of Persia

Produced by

King Arthur Produced by

Producers: Gods and Kings (Ripley Scott)

Michael Costigan…executive producer

Russell Crowe…producer

Michael Ellenberg…co-executive produce

rBrian Grazer…producer

Ryan Kavanaugh…executive producer

Nikolas Korda…co-producer

Keith Rodger…associate producer

Charles J.D. Schlissel…executive producer

Ridley Scott…producer

Jim Whitaker…executive producer

Kingdom of Heaven – producers

Karim Abouobayd…line producer: Morocco

Mark Albela…co-producer

Bruce Devan…co-producer

Lisa Ellzey…executive producer

José Luis Escolar…line producer: Spain

Teresa Kelly…associate producer

Branko Lustig…executive producer

Henning Molfenter…co-producer

Terry Needham…executive producer

Denise O’Dell…co-producer

Thierry Potok…co-produce

Ridley Scott…producer

Ty Warren…associate producer

The last duel – Producers

The Messenger: Joan of Arc

The Revenant Alejandro G. Inarritu

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Troy Produced by

The Lucky One – Zac Ephron

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Thomas Duffy,

Why the ten year delay for Danny to attempt to reclaim his daughter? It makes the character sound like a wuss. He should be trying to recover her from right after the accident. If the mother-in-law has more money and better lawyers, say so. He may have been squashed and out lawyered, but he tried whole hog to get his daughter back. Then, ten years later …

I wouldn’t mention that you’ve taken meetings at Image etc. If you are taking showers with a top producer what can the lowly unwashed producers in the audience do for you?

I hope these comments are of help.

Best of luck with your project.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

To Cara,

I like your concept and your pitch.

I think some of your wording needs fine turning.

Is the goal to write famous poetry or GREAT poetry? And what is great poetry? That which speaks to the ages!

Is the character’s goal to find identity? This sounds trite. Or is the goal to find inspiration. (Also trite). Or is the poet’s goal to achieve greatness by telling the truth as only a great poet can see it and speak it. What then follows is recognition and acclaim?

It might be helpful to give a brief snippet of his poetry at the end of your pitch to inspire the audience.

I hope these comments are helpful.

Sincerely,

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

Please see my query letter below. I posted the wrong assignment. Gordon

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Gordon Roback.

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment 8: Pitch fest superstar

Gordon Roback What I learned in this assignment is to show up prepared. With regard to the presentation, meet the needs of the producer. Less is more.

Hello. My name is Gordon Roback

I am a produced script writer. I co wrote the feature film and miniseries “Money” directed by Steven H. Stern. It starred Eric Stoltz, F. Murray Abrams and Christopher Plummer. I have also sold two feature scripts outright, five of my screenplays have been optioned and I am a graduate of Screenwriting U Proseries 69. I also earned a MFA in film production at USC and while I was there I won all of the writing prizes including the Jack Nicholson Award. I was amazed how good looking Jack Nicholson was. Every feature was perfect.

I am here to tell you about Camerone, an action adventure screenplay.

Image you are surrounded by overwhelming odds. Do you fight or surrender? In the case of a half company of French Foreign Legion soldiers, they chose to defy an army. They held out until there were only six men left standing. Out of ammunition, they fixed bayonets and attacked an army. This is the battle that made the Legion a legend.

The budget range is medium to high budget. It can be less if you can find 3,000 extras who will work for a dollar a day and all the camera equipment they can steal.

Jake Gyllenhaal would be good as Pierre Trudel. So would Zac Ephron and Chris Pratt. So would any hunk who can recite lines and not bump into the furniture, or –in this case, bodies.

In Act One Pierre Trudel kills a fellow in a bar fight and is given the choice of the guillotine or service in the Legion. He chooses the Legion. His lawyer tells him he should have chosen the gallstone, it is faster, cleaner and there is more honour in it. Trudel asks, “How bad can the Legion be?” He is about to find out.

In act two we see the recruits being trained and brutalized, although most of them don’t need much training.

In Act three we see a half company of the Legion set off at 1:00 am as the advance guard for a massive gold shipment. It is April 30^th, 1863

They are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans. They fight their way back to a stone villa and take up defenses.

Again and again the Mexicans attack and each time they are driven back with heavy losses.

The Legion refuses to surrender.

About 3:00 pm a massive dust cloud moves toward Camerone. It is not the relief column but more Mexicans. A lot more. Again the Legion refuses to surrender even though they are out of water and low on ammunition.

About 6:00 pm They are down to six men still standing and out of ammunition. Rather than surrendering the six fix bayonets and attack the Mexican army.

Trudel survives the attack and returns to France under a false name

In the final act the new Jean Marchand is forced to kill a man in a bar fight to protect his life. Again he is given the choice of the guillotine or service in the Legion. The film ends just as he is about to state his choice.

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment 7, Query Letter

Gordon Roback: What I learned from this assignment is that the query should read fast and be interesting and enticing.

Camerone

Action Adventure

What would you do if you were surrounded, vastly outnumbered and low on ammunition?

Would you surrender or would you fight? You are out of food and water. The men of your company are hit, one by one, but you refuse to surrender. Then, when out of ammunition, would you and the other five men still standing fix bayonets and charge the attacking army?

This is the ultimate Alamo story. It took place in 1863 when France invaded Mexico

during the American Civil War. The screenplay is based on the true events.

a) A company of the French Foreign Legion is the advance guard of a gold shipment to pay the French soldiers besieging Mexico City. If the gold is lost, this would be the end of the French invasion. Captain Danjou is told if you run into trouble the relief column will be two hours behind.

b) After marching all night the 65 men are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans about 7:00 am.

c) They manage to fight their way to a stone house near Camerone and take up defenses.

d) They hold off the Mexicans, even though they are outnumbered 60 to 1.

e) The Mexicans think they have the gold

f) After repulsing several attacks the Legion is surrounded by huge piles of Mexican dead.

g) By 2:00 pm the legion is down to 20 men still standing. They are out of water, food and medicine. They are running low on ammunition. But they refuse the offer to surrender.

h) About 3 pm they see a huge dust cloud coming toward them. They cheer, thinking they are being relieved, but it is more Mexicans. A lot more.

i) They now realize their situation is hopeless. But they continue to resist.

j) About 6:00 pm they are out of ammunition. Refusing to surrender, the six Legionnaires still standing fix bayonets and attack the Mexican army.

This is the battle that made the French Foreign Legion a legend.

If you want to understand courage, this is the film to see.

Given the box office success of such films as Zulu, Fury, 300 and 1917 there is a definite market for this kind of film, especially one with the romantic cache of “The French Foreign Legion”

There are many great roles here. In Zulu, first film, Michael Caine became a star in a supporting role.

A bit about me.

I earned a MFA in film production at the University of Southern California. While there I won a Phi Beta Kappa scholarship in film production and won the Jack Nicholson Award, the senior writing prize of the film school for “The Black Watch”, a war film. The decision of the judges was unanimous.

In addition to optioning five screenplays I have sold another two outright and I was co-writer on “Money”. The feature film and miniseries (two different screenplays) was directed by Steven H Stern and produced by Cinemax (France) and Rene Malo Films (Canada). Another of my scripts is currently being read by a producer on inktip.

I am a Canadian citizen and live in Vancouver, BC.

If you would like to read the screenplay I would be happy to send it to you.

I can be reached at meetfriday@hotmail.com or by phone at …

Sincerely,

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment 6

Gordon Roback Creating a synopsis

What I learned from this assignment is that the synopsis should not be a boring book report. Using the techniques of story telling one needs to entice the buyer with the sizzle as well as the steak.

Camerone

Action Adventure

This is the ultimate Alamo story. It took place in 1863 when France invaded Mexicoduring the American Civil War. The screenplay is based on a true story.

a) A company of the French Foreign Legion, at half strength, (because the other half has died or is dying from “The Black Vomit) is sent as the advance guard of the mother of all gold shipments to pay the French soldiers besieging Mexico City. If the gold is lost, this would be the end of the French invasion of Mexico. Captain Danjou is told if they run into trouble the relief column will be two hours behind.

b) After marching all night the 65 men are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans.

c) They manage to fight their way to a stone house near Camerone and take up defenses.

d) They hold off the Mexicans, even though they are outnumbered 60 to 1.

e) The Mexicans think they have the gold

f) After repulsing several attacks the Legion refuses to surrender

g) By 2:00 pm the legion is down to 20 men still standing. They are out of water, food and medicine. They are running low on ammunition. Around the villa are piles of Mexican dead.

h) About 3 pm they see a huge dust cloud coming toward them. They cheer, thinking they are being relieved, but it is more Mexicans. A lot more.

i) They now realize their situation is hopeless. But they still refuse to surrender.

j) About 6:00 pm they are out of ammunition. Refusing to surrender, the six Legionnaires still standing fix bayonets and attack the Mexican army.

This is the battle that made the French Foreign Legion a legend.

1. Given the box office success of such films as Zulu, Fury, 300 and 1917 there is a definite market for this kind of film, especially one with the romantic cache of “The French Foreign Legion”

There are many great roles here.. Michael Caine became a star in his supporting role in Zulu.

2. While this is an epic film, it asks basic questions like what is the nature of duty and courage and honour? What fascinates me is the existential quality of the dilemma. Here are foreigners who have no stake in carving out a French empire out of Mexico. They are not fighting to defend their homes or their families or their country because they have no country. They are being paid next to nothing. They can surrender at any time and live. But they refuse. For men who have nothing all they have is their honour and they are all willing to die to defend it, knowing the dogs will eat their bodies. For them the Legion is their country. Now contrast this with the Afghan army which was well equipped and well trained and motivated to defend their families and their country. Yet in late August 2021 they caved in without a fight against the Taliban.

3. This screenplay is based on an actual event which occurred on April 30^th, 1863.

4. April 30^th is a big day for the French Foreign Legion. As one current sergeant said, “Camerone reminds us that the battle happens at the wrong time and in the wrong place and you are vastly outnumbered and you don’t have the right weapons or enough ammunition and the sun is in your eyes and the sand is blowing in your face and no one cares if you live or die, but you fight to the death to last man in The French Foreign Legion, just like they did at Camerone.

Components of Marketability 7/10

Unique = high concept. If you want to understand courage, see Camerone.

True Story

Timely: Contrast the fight at Camerone vs. the non fight for Afghanistan against the Taliban.

The ultimate in courage

Vast Audience Appeal

Similar to the box office success of Zulu, Fury, 300 and 1917.

Great roles for box office actors.

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment Five

Gordon Roback: High Concept and Elevator Pitch.

What I learned: find the main hook and zero in on that. I might add that the Zombieland examples are not working (well) for me since I don’t get the main characters arc. Why would he love a woman who steals his car, takes his gun and leaves him to die? I would believe that there are 250 million zombies before I believe his motivation.

High Concept for Camerone

Given the choice between the guillotine and serving in the French Foreign Legion, Pierre Trudel opts for the Legion but his lawyer tells him he should have chosen the guillotine because it is quicker, cleaner and has more honour to it. How bad can the Legion be? asks Trudel. At Camerone he is about to find out.

Elevator Pitch: Camerone

If you were surrounded, outnumbered 600 to one and out of ammunition, would you surrender or would you fix bayonetes and attack an army? as the six surviving French Legionnaires did at Camerone.

[Gordon Roback]

Assignment 4

Gordon Roback The nine most interesting things about Camerone

What I learned from this assignment is that one needs to entice the buyer with the sizzle as well as the steak.

1. For all the other legionnaires, they live by the notion that “La Legion es ma patrie.”(The legion is my country). Pierre Trudel, the main character, is the one exception. He didn’t want to join the Legion and spends most of the script trying to figure out ways to desert. The s.o.b sergeant, on the other hand, can read Trudel’s soul and is trying to make him a better Legionnaire, even if it kills him.

2. The major hook of the opening scene is that having killed a jealous husband in a bar fight Trudel is given the choice of service in the Foreign Legion or a rendez vous with the guillotine. He opts for service in the Legion. His lawyer tells him he made a big mistake. The guillotine is quicker, faster and has more honour in it. Trudel asks, “How bad can the Legion be?” He is about to find out.

3. There are several turning points.

a) The company, at half strength, (because the other half has died or is dying from “The Black Vomit) is sent as the advance guard for the mother of all gold shipments.

b) After marching all night the 65 men are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans.

c) They manage to fight their way to a stone house near Camerone and take up defences.

d) They hold off the Mexicans, even though they are outnumbered 60 to 1.

e) The relief column does not come, as promised.

f) The Mexicans think they have the gold

g) After repulsing several Mexican attacks, again the Legion refuses to surrender

h) Out of water, food, medicine and running low on ammunition they think they are being relieved, but it is more Mexicans. A lot more.

i) They still refuse to surrender.

j) Out of ammunition, food, water and medicine the six Legionnaires still standing fix bayonetes and attack the Mexican army.

4. The emotional dilemma for Trudel is do you desert your friends when they are in deep trouble or do you embrace what is essentially a fool’s errand and fight with them?

5. What fascinates me is the existential quality of the dilemma. Here are foreigners who have no stake in carving out a French empire out of Mexico. They are not fighting to defend their homes nor their families nor their country because they have no country. They are being paid next to nothing. They can surrender at any time and live. But they refuse. For men who have nothing all they have is their honour and they are all willing to die to defend it, knowing the dogs will eat their bodies. Now contrast this with the Afghan army which was well equipped and well trained to defend their families and their country and they caved in without a fight against the Taliban.

6. The big surprise is that Trudel survives the battle and makes it back to France. Although he is being very careful he ends up getting in another bar fight and he has to kill the coquette’s brother to survive. Again he is found guilty with mitigating circumstances and is given the choice between the guillotine or service in the Foreign Legion. The film ends just before he states his choice. Then it is up to the viewer to decide what he or she would do if in Trudel’s place.

7. Given the box office success of such films as Zulu, Fury and 1917 there is a definite market for this kind of film, especially one with the romantic cache of “The French Foreign Legion”

8. This is based on an actual event which occurred on April 30^th, 1863.

9. April 30^th is a big day for the French Foreign Legion. As one current sergeant said, “Camerone reminds us that the battle happens at the wrong time and in the wrong place and you are vastly outnumbered and you don’t have the right weapons or enough ammunition and the sun is in your eyes and the sand is blowing in your face and no one cares if you live or die, but you fight to the death to last man in The French Foreign Legion, just like they did at Camerone.

[Gordon Roback]

Gordon Roback Assignment 3

What I learned in this assignment: When in doubt follow the instructions.

1. Meeting with a Producer

My goal in the meeting is to present my pitch in such a way as to make it easy for the producer to say yes.

a. I enter the meeting having researched the producer’s background, previous films and interests. In the case of “Camerone” it would be helpful if the producer was a former legionnaire or someone who is a fan of the Legion. Someone with a military background would be ideal.

b. My goal is to present myself as a team player and a professional writer which means I am willing to take direction, am open to other points of view with the goal of getting the film made. I am working on the assumption that the producer will view me as a professional. This means he or she does not expect me to work for free, a situation far too commonplace in Canada.

c. I shall pitch a screenplay that is in a genre they like to work in.

d. I shall attempt to deal with some of the problems inherent in the script. I will be prepared to talk about whom I see playing the key roles and why they would be good. I will also be prepared to deal with some of the problems inherent in the script such as amortizing costs, tax incentives and possible producing partners in different territories. It is a matter of doing my homework prior to the meeting.

e. Even if they choose to not buy the script my goal is to keep the door open so the producer is willing to meet with me again to hear another pitch.

2. Meeting with the manager

a. The goal of meeting the manager is to give him or her a sense of genre or genres I like to work in and that my previous screenplays were high concept. This is especially true of future projects.

At the same time I am willing to accept creative suggestions and guidance from the manager.

b. My next goal is to convince the manager that I am a team player who can work with producers and other members of the production team. In almost all other occupations the question is: can I handle problems if problems occur? In the film industry the question is” what happens WHEN problems arise because there are always unexpected problems in the film industry.

c. In the meeting I am looking for signs that the manager knows what he or she is talking about and that we share a similar worldview. The Talmud says that “the right mate comes with the first date” but all first dates don’t necessarily end in perpetual bliss.

[Gordon Roback]

Gordon Roback Marketable Components

1. Current Logline:

Before Camerone they were the scum of the earth. After the battle of Camerone the men of the French Foreign Legion were regarded as some of the best soldiers in the world.

2. Two elements that will help sell the script:

1. Timely – The United States spent billions of dollars to train and equip the Afghan army yet when the Taliban attacked the army evaporated even though they were fighting against the forces of reaction and repression. In contrast the men of the French Foreign Legion who had no home and no reason to fight the Mexicans – fought against overwhelming odds and refused to surrender. Finally, when there were only six men left standing and they were out of ammunition, instead of giving up the Legionnaires fixed bayonets and attacked the Mexican army.

However, given how painful the debacle in Afghanistan to many, especially those who fought and lost friends in the conflict, this might be a bit too on the head. So rather than dealing with this element I will focus on the fact that it is based on a true story. I changed some of the characters to make them more interesting but the major characters are real as is the course of events leading to the Legionnaires being overwhelmed. Even then they refused to surrender. It was only when the Mexicans agreed to allow them to keep their weapons and promised to treat their wounded did they agree to stop fighting. Colonel Milan, the commander of the Mexican forces, demanded to see the survivors. He looked at them and said to his officers, “These are not men, these are demons”. He said it with awe in his voice. The 67 Legionnaires left 500 Mexican dead on the field as well as scores of wounded.

2. It is similar to three recent highly successful films:

It is similar to Zulu – one of the great war films where a company of Welsh soldiers fought against thousands of Zulu warriors who had just wiped out a British army at Isandlwana. The film made Michael Caine a star overnight.

It is also similar to the end of Fury where a US tank crew defends a crossroads against hundreds of SS troops until they are overwhelmed.

It is also similar to “300” where a small group of Spartans stood against the might of the Persian Empire until they were overwhelmed.

The film also incorporates the romantic mythos of such French Foreign Legion films as Beau Geste, Morocco and March or Die.

3. Before Camerone they were the scum of the earth. After the battle of Camerone the men of the French Foreign Legion were regarded as some of the best soldiers in the world, like the British soldiers in “Zulu”, the Americans in “Fury” and the Spartans in “300”. Camerone is based on the true story which made the Legion a legend.

4. What I learned in this lesson is that making reference to other seminal, successful films and a true story will help sell the screenplay.

[Gordon Roback]

Camerone – Action Adventure

Assignment 1 September 28, 2021

Gordon Roback

1. Genre – Action Adventure

Title – Camerone

Concept: The ultimate Alamo story. 65 French Foreign Legion

soldiers against thousands of Mexicans.

2. There is nothing more romantic than fighting a hopeless battle to the last man against overwhelming odds. But I am intrigued by the existential element: the Legionnaires fought to the death because “the legion is my country” and for no other reason.

They could have surrendered at any time but chose to die instead.

3. My first target audience is producers of war films. This is one of the greatest battles of all time. I am amazed it has not yet been made into a feature film.

4. The lesson I learned from this assignment was how many war films have been made in the past ten years. I was aware of but a few: Fury, 1917, Dunkirk, Sniper, Heartbreak Ridge. I discovered there have been over 50 war films made during this period. I would not have known this were it not for this assignment.

[Gordon Roback]

I agree and I shall abide by the terms of the agreement.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

Hello everyone. My name is Gordon Roback and I live in Vancouver, BC. I have written 35 feature screenplays. Two have been produced, two others have been sold. Another five have been optioned. One of these (A Call To Arms) has been optioned five times.

I am taking this class in an attempt to overcome my biggest weakness as a writer, my deficient marketing skills. My youngest son observed the paradox of my career arc: I picked the most collaborative of the arts for someone who is an extreme introvert. Thus my challenge for this course is not just to learn the skills of marketing a screenplay but the ability to actually use these skills to advance my career.

Even though I have seven university degrees (one of them a degree in law) I have lived most of my life in poverty. As can also be said of the Captain of the Titanic, “I did it my way.” My last six feature screenplays have been film noirs about a burned-out criminal lawyer fighting for justice in East Vancouver. None have been autobiographical. None have been sold.

[Gordon Roback]

I think this is a vast improvement over your first draft pitch.

The lesson to me is that less is more.

Good luck with your project.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

In theory Phyllis, your query letter should be the easiest to write because EVERY producer has to struggle to get their project made.

They told us at USC film school that in every other field of endeavor the question for the moneymen and producers is “What happens IF things go wrong” In the film business (the industry) the question is “What happens WHEN things go wrong because in film things always go wrong.

Why is it so important for the two producers to make their story in Africa? And what goes wrong as they are trying to get it made?

From the awards your script has won it should sell itself once you entice producers to read the script.

Good luck with your project.

Gordon

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Phyllis,

I wonder if you could do something to make the story more pressing to the reader.

“Sometimes it is possible to do the impossible It just takes hard work, luck and a mysterious missing ingredient.”

If you word the query letter in such a way that the producers have to overcome impossible odds to get their production made it may have more impact and generate more interest.

As I read both your query letters I asked myself, “Why should I care?” I think your query letter would have more impact if you gave the reader a reason to care about your story.

I hope my comment is of help.

Best of luck,

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

I think your second draft is a vast improvement over the first. There is more of a sense of cause and effect to the flow of the story.

Does his identity crisis have anything to do with being named “Maria”?

I am still unclear where the “drama” comes from. What is stopping Rilke from becoming a great poet? Does great poetry require a muse for it to be made conceptually clear? Was his wife not his muse? If not, why did he marry her?

Perhaps you would like to conclude with this quote, which has great resonance in Canada,

“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”

Good luck with your project.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Mark,

I was thinking about your query letter and it dawned on me that the focus is in the wrong place. Your protagonist rubs a fellow the wrong way by foiling his attempt to kill government scientists. The protagonist retaliates and the conflict escalates with the antagonist going after the main character’s son using state-of-the-art technology.

This would connect what at first appeared to be two different stories.

Does this new structure work for you?

Best,

Gordon

[Gordon Roback]

Lightning appearing out of nowhere on a clear day and hitting a boat or a man was a puzzling phenomenon to the ancient Greeks. They saw it happen and could not fathom why. Their explanation was that Zeus, the king of the Gods, was throwing lightning bolts for a reason, whatever his reason was.

I find your concept of directing lightning bolts for strategic or sinister purposes fascinating. But then I am confused where you go with it. I don’t get the leap from the protagonist saving scientists who are under a lightning bolt attack for some reason to saving some kid who just happens to be his son. I couldn’t make the leap?

I am also unclear where your script is going. Is it like the James Bond film where he has to stop someone who is playing havoc with the weather or is something else going on? I find the conflict unclear and unstated. Please clarify.

I hope my feedback is helpful.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

I find your query letter unclear.

What is at stake? Who is the protagonist? I don’t know.

Is the “Drop Bear” like a Pacific Sasquatch, except more sinister?

I did not know this was supposed to be a comedy until you mentioned it in your response to my last comment.

Please clarify.

Gordon

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Mark,

Your suggestions are helpful. Thank you.

Why did the Legionnaires continue to resist, even when they realized their situation was hopeless? Good question. This is what fascinates me about the historical event. The only conclusion I can draw is that to them, men without a country, The Legion was their country.

Why did the Afghan army just collapse without a fight after the American withdrawal? It makes no sense to me why they just folded, especially when they had everything to lose. This is what is so fascinating about history. What you expect is not what actually happened.

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Philip,

Have you seen “The Hunter” with Willem Defoe? I think your film has already been made.

Check it out.

Gordon Roback

[Gordon Roback]

Hello Thomas,

I think you need to address the ten year hole in the script. Why cause problems for yourself when you have an interesting story to tell? When I heard “ten years later” it was an immediate red flag that there was a structural problem.

I’d like to hear about your experiences with Steven. He taught me many important lessons, although some of them were cautionary tales of what not to do.

Gordon