Gregory Kiernan Ballines
Forum Replies Created
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Gregory’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from doing this assignment is that presenting my concepts in terms of the Acts and doing so quickly makes my pitch sound pretty good.
1) I’m a graduate of the Master Screenwriter Class 15 at ScreenwritingU
2) I have an action-comedy titled CODE GRAY
3) A house burglar teams up with a promiscuous 80-year-old woman to rob her spoiled-rotten son
4)
A) Budget: $3-5 million
B) It’d be a great role for Helen Mirren, and maybe Bob Odenkirk as the thief
C) First the thief and the old lady meet and he helps her escape from an old folks home, then they plan a caper together and in the end he risks himself during the robbery to make sure she’s okay.
D) I’m a graduate of MSC 15 and I once got a semi-finalist award for the Fade In screenwriting competition
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Gregory’s Query Letter
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I should submit more of my screenplays into more contests to develop my bio/credibility more.
Query Letter:
What happens when a criminal and a senior citizen conspire to commit the perfect crime?
Sinclair is a house burglar who is assigned community service at an old folks home where he meets a promiscuous elderly woman named Gertrude who I might stand to inherit a fortune from her late husband. Sinclair wants money to start a new life, but since Gertrude has been committed to the facility she doesn’t have any access to any of her funds.
So Sinclair busts her out of the maximum security old folks home!
Looks like both of their problems are about to be solved when Gertrude’s spoiled rotten son Issac puts a bounty on them both! Sinclair’s solution? Train Gertrude to help him break into the Issac’s mansion and steal her late husband’s will which proclaims her as the rightful heir to their family fortune.
But during their caper Gertrude falls and breaks her hip right as they’re about to make a getaway. What’s Sinclair to do?
If you like the concept I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: Gregory is a graduate of the Master Screenwriter Class 15 at ScreenwritingU
Contact info:
Gregory Kiernan
(847)899-6825
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Gregory’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have to bring things to an extreme. I have to make it REALLY HARD for Sinclair to bust Gertrude from the old folks home, and I might need a montage of Sinclair training Gertrude how to be an expert burglar.
According to my COM and MIT list, my hooks are as follows:
– a promiscuous eighty-year-old woman becomes a cat burglar
– escaping from an old folks home with a high level of security
– the old lady moves so slowly with her walker she outfoxes motion sensors
– a supposedly dedicated and concerned son is actually trying to kill his elderly mother to get an inheritance
– the old lady believes his performance and leaves her new partner in crime, thinking her son will take care of her
– a thief faces a dilemma: abandon his new friend, the old lady and escape with a lot of cash or help her at the risk of them both getting caught and possibly killed
First draft of synopsis/query letter:
Do eighty-year-old women make good thieves?
Sinclair is a house burglar who is assigned community service at an old folks home where he meets a promiscuous elderly woman who is very rich. He wants money to start a new life, and she wants out of the facility. But since she’s been committed to the home she doesn’t have any access to any of her funds.
So the burglar busts her out of the maximum security elderly person’s home!
Looks like both of their problems are about to be solved when the elderly woman’s spoiled rotten son puts a bounty on them both! The burglar’s solution? Train the old woman to help him break into the son’s mansion and steal her late husband’s will which proclaims her as the rightful heir to their family fortune.
But during their caper the old lady breaks her hip right as they’re about to make a getaway. What’s Sinclair to do?
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Gregory’s High Concept/Elevator pitch
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I need a few more scenes were Sinclair is trying to case the house/plan the robbery and Gertrude and her circumstances keep creating opposition in addition to the opposition by Issac.
1) Lead character’s journey: Going from not trusting anyone and always looking to scam others to developing a genuine friendship and appreciating honest work.
In other words an eighty-year-old woman who acts like a twenty-year-old most of the time is his change agent. And he sticks his neck out for her at one point.
2) Interesting ways to express main hook:
Dilemma – Would you abandon a sweet old lady for $1 million dollars cash?
Main Conflict – What if you were put in a home in your golden years by your only child, and then he tried to have you killed for a rich inheritance?
What’s a stake? A robber and an elderly woman must steal back a will from the woman’s son before they get killed by him
Goal/unique position – How do you plan an elaborate house robbery with a slow and delicate elderly woman with creaky joints?
3) Elevator pitch:
I’m finishing up a story that answers the question do eighty-year-old women make good thieves?
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Gregory’s Producer/Manager
1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?
I will present myself as someone who understands their own journey, and I will present my project first with the title (which I brainstormed to make as marketable as possible then checked it on IMDb to make sure it hasn’t been used recently), the genre (which fits their wheelhouse) and my marketable concept. I will also stop there since I understand that’s all the information they need from me. I will also have at least one more pitch waiting in the wings in case they ask, “What else are you working on?”
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?
I will present myself as someone who understands their own journey, as someone who loves to pitch and as a writer who would love to get paid writing assignments as well as develop my own concepts. I will present my project only if I know it’s marketable, only after I have taken steps to make sure it has the best title I can come up with and only if it’s within the genre I’ve chosen.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I haven’t really developed many business relationships in my life so this might be a challenge for me, but it’s only going to get better if I apply myself.
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Gregory’s Marketable Components
Logline: When a thief is given community service instead of a prison sentence, he meets a promiscuous eighty-year-old woman who has been cheated out of her rightful inheritance. Together they conspire to Rob from her spoiled rotten son and get her inheritance back.
- A. Unique: A buddy picture where the partners in crime have a significant difference in age
- B. Great Title: CODE GRAY
- C. True: N/A
- D. Timely — connected to some major trend or event: The Golden Bachelor has just become a thing…
- E. It’s a first: N/A
- F. Ultimate: N/A
- G. Wide audience appeal: Depending on what style of humor I settle on
- H. Adapted from a popular book: N/A
- I. Similarity to a box-office success: I keep thinking of the Helen Mirren character in “RED”
- J. A great role for a bankable actor: absolutely the old lady!
Brainstorm: I could pitch it through the old lady character, something like “It’s hard to put mom in a home…and it’s even harder when she comes back for revenge!”
I recently found out that “Silver Alert” means a missing elderly person, especially one who might be suffering from dementia. Maybe I could make that the title instead, and maybe should could steal silver from her son to boot.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my idea is fun but are lots of avenues within that idea I have yet to explore.
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Gregory’s Project and Market
1) Genre: Comedy/action
Title: CODE GRAY
Concept: While serving community service a burglar meets a promiscuous elderly woman, and together the thief and the old lady conspire to steal from her spoiled rotten son who is cheating the old lady out of her rightful inheritance from her late husband.
2) What I find attractive about this story is that it’s a buddy picture between two people who have a significant difference in age and I think the idea of an old lady being raunchy and plotting a caper is fun too.
3) I will target producers first since I have more experience doing that
4) What I learned today is that it’s smart to keep clearly in mind what I myself find attractive about my idea because that is what producers will likely find attractive too.
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Gregory Kiernan BALLINES
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi everyone!
My name is Gregory Kiernan Ballines and I’ve written eight screenplays so far. What I hope to get out of this class is to hone my marketing abilities as I continue to develop my creative skills in writing. Something that people usually find unusual about me is that I have eleven siblings but to be honest I’m kind of used to it lol
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What I learned from doing this assignment is that there are always little steps I can take to increase my credibility
Two or Three Steps I’ll Take in the Next 30 Days to Increase My Credibility:
1. Submit my finished screenplay to a contest
2. Look up and see which screenwriting contests in this next year have a good track record of deals getting made
3. Reach out to producers on LinkedIn to increase my network
4. Reach out to managers on LinkedIn to increase my network
Credibility Checklist:
Still pretty low right new but since I took the Masterclass my network of producers on LinkedIn has been getting better and better
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What I’ve learned so far is that it is well worth my time to learn to to complete writing assignments as that might be a huge part of my income as a professional screenwriter
My concepts for this class:
1) Idea: A thief gets busted during a robbery but negotiates a deal where instead of jail time he gets a heavy amount of community service. While serving his community service at an old folks home, he meets a promiscuous 80 year old woman who was cheated out of her late husband’s inheritance but her spoiled rotten grandson-in-law. Together the thief and the old woman conspire to rob from her own family.
– Budget: $3-5 million
2) Finished script: A police detective has a Sherlock Holmes level of skill when it comes to solving murders. But when he discovers his meek wife accidentally murders people every time she stands up for herself, the detective decides to frame other culprits to protect his wife and her self esteem.
– Budget: $3-5 million
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Hi everyone!
My name is Gregory Kiernan, but you can call me Greg. I’ve written 8 scripts up to this point and what I hope to get out of this class is how to supplement my income as a professional screenwriter I will eventually become. Something unique about me is that I have eleven siblings and my five youngest siblings are all adopted.
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Gregory Kiernan
I agree to the terms of this release form
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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[WIM 2] Greg’s Genre Conventions
My vision for the end of this course is that I have elevated my writing to a professional level and have sold my first screenplay. My vision for ten years from now is that I am a multimillionaire, have won an Oscar and that I have a whole wall of movie posters that represent my success.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my script idea is more comedy than action comedy, so I’m glad I made that clearer for myself in these beginning stages.
Title: CODE GRAYConcept: A thief assigned community service meets a promiscuous 80-year-old lady and together they conspire to rob her spoiled grandson-in-lawGenre: Comedy
COMEDY CONVENTIONS
PURPOSE: To entertain the audience with a story packed with laughter-inducing moments.
A wrinkled old lady acting like a feisty little minx could be really funnyA clever young man being outsmarted by a presumably weak and mentally compromised old lady would be amusing to watchA old lady using her powers of seduction to distract a security guard would be entertaining A thief being successful by dumb luck would cause an audience to laugh and maybe shake their heads a little bit, maybe question his competence which comes into play later
INCONGRUENCE:
An old lady teaming up with a thief who has amateur skills at best to get past a high level security system.
MECHANICS OF COMEDY:
Misinterpretation: Old Lady thinks the thief is her new nurse while he’s just there to read to her.Fish out of water: Thief tries to steal from old folks but keeps getting checked by old lady. Thief isn’t used to this environment and he has meet his match!“Bingo!” could be a running gag
COMEDIC PROTAGONIST(S):
The thief would be the “straight man” of the story, getting laughs by enduring the ridiculousness of his situation caused by old lady.
STRONG STORY:
Thief and Old Lady incentivizing each other to first plan a caper but then to have better perspective on life.
Act 1:
Opening: Thief pulls a heist but then betrays accomplices to avoid getting caught.Inciting Incident: Thief gets caught anyway.Turning Point: Thief weasels his way out of a hefty sentence that is reduced to only 1000 hours community service. He serves this at an Old Folks home. There an Old Lady thinks the thief is her new male nurse while he’s just there to read to her. Uncomfortable moment for him!
Act 2:
New plan: Thief decides to rob the old people blind. His parole officer questions him.Plan in action: Thief targets promiscuous 80-year-old Lady while dodging parole officer’s investigation. The wrinkled old lady keeps acting like a feisty little minx.Midpoint Turning Point: Thief gets robbed by promiscuous 80-year-old lady instead! Thief tries to steal from the other old folks but keeps getting checked by old lady. Thief isn’t used to this environment and he has meet his match! Parole officer wanted to bust him but fails.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Thief becomes impressed by the old lady who turns out is very sneaky herself. Grandson-in-law gets introduced and is the kind of guy they both love to hate.New plan: Thief and Old Lady decide to rob her spoiled grandson. A mother/son dynamic starts to develop between these two. “Bingo!” could be a running gagTurning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Thief underestimates the grandson’s level of security at his mansion, and his former accomplices catch up to him. He almost gets caught again, and the old lady gets arrested herself!
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Thief comes forward and admits his own wrongdoing and exonerates the old lady Resolution: Thief serves his time in jail while maintaining friendship of old lady who visits him regularly.
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[WIM 2] Greg’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
My vision is by the end of this course I have elevated my writing to a professional level and have sold my first screenplay. My vision for ten years from now is I am a multimillionaire, have won an Oscar and I have a wall of movie posters that represent my success.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that good structure points present themselves when I look at the big picture.
Concept: thief gets assigned community service, meets promiscuous old lady and together they plan to rob her grandson in lawMain Conflict: The thief vs the grandson, parole officer and former accomplicesOld Ways: Thief is selfish, hurting and betraying others, his only identity is that of a criminal New Ways: Thief is selfless, stands up for others, new identity as a reformed man
Act 1:
Opening: Thief pulls heist but then betrays accomplices Inciting Incident: Thief gets caught anywayTurning Point: Thief weasels his way out of a hefty sentence that is reduced to only 1000 hours community service
Act 2:
New plan: Thief decides to rob old people blind. The parole officer questions him.Plan in action: Thief targets promiscuous 80-year-old Lady while dodging parole officer’s investigation Midpoint Turning Point: Thief gets robbed by promiscuous 80-year-old lady instead! Parole officer wanted to bust him but fails.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Thief becomes impressed by the old lady who turns out is very sneaky herself. Grandson-in-law gets introduced and is the kind of guy they both love to hate.New plan: Thief and Old Lady decide to rob her spoiled grandson. A mother/son dynamic starts to develop between these two.Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Thief underestimates the grandson’s level of security, and his former accomplices catch up to him. He almost gets caught and the old lady gets arrested!
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Thief comes forward and admits his own wrongdoing and exonerates the old lady Resolution: Thief serves his time in jail while maintaining friendship of old lady who visits him regularly.
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Greg’s Subtext Plot
My vision for the the end of this course is that I have elevated my writing to a professional level and have sold my first script. My vision for the next ten years is that I am a multimillionaire, have won an Oscar and have a whole wall of movie posters that represent my success.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I now have plot developments I hadn’t thought of before now!
Scheme & Investigating
Maybe a parole officer investigates the thief while the thief schemes his next score with the old lady.Maybe a journalist investigates the female Navy Seal, her superior officer(s) and the shady government program she’s a part of
Layering
Maybe a major reveal is that Superman actually killed innocent people in the pastMaybe a reveal is grandma is actually trying to get back at her dead husband as well as her grandson
Someone hides who they are
Maybe a major reveal is that the old lady is actually keeping herself at a distance from her family, or maybe they all hate her. They neglect her for a good reason
Fish out of water
Maybe the Superhero is under the impression he’s never seen battle or even been in a fightOld lady talks a big game but has never actually robbed anyone
Superior position
We find out the truth about the female Navy Seal before the superhero doesMaybe we find out the thief cheated his past partners out of their share and he plans on doing the same to the old lady
Major cover-up
The Navy Seal’s superior officer schemed to have the superhero taken out so that he wouldn’t oppose the unjust war, and when the hero didn’t die steps were taken to ensure the hero stayed ignorant of what really happened
Competing agendas
Maybe at one point the old lady wants to taunt her spoiled grandson but it’s counterintuitive to the thief’s intention of NOT getting caught
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[WIM] Greg’s Transformational Journey
My vision is that by the end of this course I have elevated my writing to a professional level and have sold my first script. My vision for the next ten years is that I am a multimillionaire, have won an Oscar and have a whole wall of framed movie posters that represent my success.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that when contemplating the journey and changes the protagonist will go through I come up with sources of conflict I hadn’t considered before now.
Arc Beginning: A thief who should have gotten a heavier sentence but ratted on his fellow thieves to save himselfArc Ending: Someone who’s turned over a new leaf by turning himself in and is serving his time like a manInternal Journey: From being mean and self-centered to being kind and considerate External Journey: From a remorseless outlaw to being a rehabilitated prisoner Old Ways: Dodging the law, stealing, lying, pushing others away with insults New Ways: Accepting his punishment, being more honest, accepting of friendship from others
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[WIM 2] Greg’s Intentional Lead Characters
My vision is that by the conclusion of this class I have elevated my writing to a professional level and have sold my first screenplay. My vision for ten years from now is that I am a multimillionaire, have won an Oscar and have a whole wall of movie posters that represent my success.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that character should have a logline of their own, that way that fit in the story better.
What makes this character fit my concept and title powerfully?
Concept 1: A convicted thief has to serve community service at an old folks home where he meets a promiscuous 80-year-old woman and together they conspire to rob from her wealthy and entitled grandson-in-law
Character: A young, convicted thief
Logline: A guy who’s been sled-centered most of his life and doesn’t think about the future very often
Unique: He’s an expert at picking locksCharacter: an elderly but vibrant woman
Logline: A neglected woman whom everyone deems as harmless and helpless proves otherwise
Unique: She’s both seductive and feigns weakness to trap peopleCharacter: A spoiled young man
Logline: A guy who has been handed everything that he has is able to have everything taken from him
Unique: He’s an expert at home securityConcept 2: A superhero suffers amnesia after an unlikely injury and is nursed back to health by a female Navy Seal, not know she is the one behind his injury and is brainwashing him to fight an unjust war
Character: An injured man who discovers he has super powers
Logline: A Captain America figure has always known which side of a fight is the side of good, until now
Unique: He has super strength and speedCharacter: A female Navy Seal
Logline: A woman trying to make it in a man’s world temporarily lets herself be manipulated by the powers that be
Unique: She’s the only female cadet in her companyCharacter: An American commander
Logline: An older Republican conservative who is blinded by his lust for power
Unique: He can get into people’s heads, gets psychological leverage on them -
Greg’s Title, Concept, Character and Structure
My vision is that by the end of this course I have elevated my writing to a professional level and sold my first screenplay. My vision for my career is that in ten years I’m a multimillionaire, I have an Oscar and that I have a whole wall of posters that represent all the films I wrote, were produced and were very successful.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that it pays off to this about character structure just as much as story structure.
1) Title: CODE GRAY
Concept: When a convicted thief has to serve community service at an old folks home, he meets a promiscuous 80-year-old woman and together they conspire to rob from her wealthy and entitled grandson-in-law.
Structure: Buddy movie. The thief and grandma become friends despite them believing they don’t belong together.2) Title: SUPERMANIPULATION
Concept: A superhero gets amnesia after an unlikely injury. He is nursed back to health by a female Navy Seal, not knowing she is the one behind his injury and is brainwashing him to fight in an unjust war.
Dramatic Triangle: The Superhero, the Navy Seal and an American High Commander are all connected, and their relationships are revealed in layers as the Superhero’s memory slowly returns.P.S. I know that I was supposed to post this to the forums but I having difficulty discerning where exactly to post. I already sent an email to customer service but have yet to receive a response.
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I liked the empowerment exercises before, but now I see and understand that they should be used EVERY time I write or create anything. I tended to be a procrastinator before but now I see how I can shed that image of myself, for myself.
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Greg Kiernan. I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi everyone!
My name is Greg Kiernan.
I’ve written seven full-length screenplays.
I’ve taken the ScreenwritingU ProSeries 24 and the MasterClass 15 courses.
What I’m hoping to get out of this class is to take what I’ve learned already, learn more and elevate all of it to the point where I’m writing like a pro and I can sell at least one of my scripts.
Something unique about me? I have red hair, freckles and eleven siblings.
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Gregory’s elevated story beats
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my opening really, really needs to be stronger and that it’s helpful to remove these beats to examine them by themselves and see how they function. Looking forward to brainstorming more and more possibilities to improve my beats that aren’t as strong yet.
Scene 1: Opening scene: Establish Connor and Mallory as a happily married couple who make plans but Connor seems troubled
Before: Boring, everyday scene as Connor leaves for work and Mallory kisses him goodbye
After: More challenging! Maybe Connor is tracking down a dangerous drug dealer and gets shot in the shoulder! Then in the hospital he’s visited by his adoring wife Mallory
Scene 6: Show that Connor abides by the proper procedures and establish William’s lack of discipline
Before: Connor switches the bloody glove for a handful of shredded paper as something unseen
After: Maybe Connor fakes an injury, i.e. his wounded shoulder hurts and when Will runs for his pain meds Connor makes the switch so that the audience sees him do it.
Scene 9: Show more of how Connor’s and Mallory’s relationship functions. Set-up for disappointment on Mallory’s end.
Before: Easy make-up and a promise made without suspicion
After: Maybe Mallory is much more reluctant to make up with her husband, and through that challenge Connor makes his promise but leaves his scared of his wife.
There’s a lot more improvements I want to make and more brainstorming I want to do so I’ll have to put them all together in my improved beat sheet once I get to them all.
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Gregory’s scene evaluations assignment 7
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my beats could/should be more entertaining but they could/should be more consistent. Some beats are 5-8 pages whiles others are 1 page or less. This assignment really opened my eyes on the opportunity I have here if I just focus on improving each and every beat!
First my beat sheet, then my evaluation of my beat sheet in reverse (as it turns out, I had more beats than I thought!)
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor leaves the house for work but before he does so his wife Mallory slips their wedding photo into his wallet. Seems like they are planning something special tonight
INT./EXT. CLUB – NIGHT
A mysterious woman seduces a young, suspecting young man from the dance floor to the back alley where she kills him with a knife.
INT. APARTMENT- NIGHT
Connor celebrates at his old partner’s retirement party. He gets a call and has to leave the party early.
EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
Connor arrives at the murder scene where police officers Paul and Will keep a crowd back. Connor finds a long lady’s glove in a dumpster and bags it as evidence.
INT. GAS STATION – NIGHT
Connor finds and confiscates a security tape from the gas station across the street that seems to capture part of the murder.
INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Connor gets Will to submit an unchecked Manila envelope containing the bloody glove as evidence in a locker at the station
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor returns home to find Mallory sitting in the kitchen, covered with someone else’s blood! Turns out their special plans were for Mallory to commit murder and for Connor to help her get away with it. And they are super casual about the whole thing!
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mallory is very much in the mood. Killing is apparently an aphrodisiac for her! So much so she wants to murder more but Connor is worried that he can’t keep covering for her.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory make up after their little fight and Connor promises he will be home for dinner at time that night.
EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Mallory waters her roses as her neighbor Shannon waters her own flowers too. It’s clear these two are rivals both regarding growing roses and barking competitions.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Connor goes out drinking with Paul and Will, and at the bar he almost gets into a fight with a stranger. This is Weston who reveals himself to be a detective. Connor has too much to drink and forgets about the date night with his wife.
INT. CLUB – NIGHT
Slighted by Connor blowing off their dinner, Mallory goes out to a club by herself where she runs into Shannon and the young man she’s trying to seduce. The young man (Chad) likes Mallory more and Mallory decides to take him home.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mallory resists Chad’s charms, and when he comes onto her aggressively she kills him.
EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Will drives Connor, who’s too drunk to drive, home. Connor instructs Will to wait outside but then knock on the front door after three minutes to make sure Connor and Mallory’s impending fight doesn’t get out of hand.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor comes in to the bloody mess that is Mallory’s murder. There’s a mad scramble to hide the body and clean the blood when Will comes knocking. They successfully conceal it until Will is gone.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory bury the body in some nearby woods. Mallory wants to leave one of her bloody gloves so Connor lets her. They don’t notice but they’re being followed.
INT. POLICE STATION- DAY
The police Captain Davis calls a meeting for everyone to be on the look out for a VIP missing person. Turns out that Chad is the son of somebody important and now Weston and all the cops are out looking for him.
INT. CLUB – DAY
Connor accompanies Weston when conducting interviews of the staff of the club where Chad was last seen. Connor does whatever he can to muddle the witness testimony. Connor also receives a blackmail note from an anonymous party demanding a meeting.
CABIN IN THE WOODS – DAY
Connor meets with the writer of the blackmail note, a strange man named Gummy Joe. Connor gets into an altercation with Joe and winds up killing him.
WOODS – DAY
Weston and Captain Davis run into Connor on his way back to town. Apparently Gummy Joe had set a rendezvous with them in the woods. Captain Davis’s lap dog Pumpkin Spice finds the body of Chad and alerts Weston and Captain Davis.
WOODS – NIGHT
A forensics team digs up Chad’s body. Weston is delighted with this latest development but Connor is morose, using the excuse that they have to tell Chad’s parents that their boy is dead.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Deciding to keep their enemies close, Mallory and Connor have Weston over for dinner. Once or twice Mallory is tempted to kill Weston but Connor stays her hand.
INT. MORGUE – DAY
Connor and Weston visit the coroner’s place where the mortician gets a report of hair and skin samples collected off of Chad’s body along with a bloody glove that was recovered.
POLICE STATION – DAY
Shannon comes forward and reports to Captain Davis that Mallory was the last one to Chad alive. Mallory is brought in for questioning and she denies leaving the club with Chad. She calls on Officer Will to confirm that no suspicious activity was occurring the night he drove Connor home.
EXT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor hops his fence over to Shannon’s backyard and plants the matching bloody glove in her rose bushes.
INT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor persuades Weston to interview Shannon at her house, and there Weston finds the bloody glove in the rose bushes. Shannon is arrested.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory have Weston over for dinner again only this time Weston happens upon a class ring, which Weston recognizes as Chad’s. He says his goodbyes to Connor and Mallory but not before snatching two strains of hair from Mallory’s head.
INT. MORGUE – DAY
Weston hands Mallory’s hair over to the mortician to run a DNA analysis and see if it matches with the hair found in Chad’s fist.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Weston discovers that Connor has not been submitting evidence on previous murder cases. Connor catches wind of it.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory plot to poison Weston.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Mallory delivers some rice crispy treats to the station and makes it clear to Will and Paul that they are for Weston only.
EXT. BAR – NIGHT
Having confirmed it was Mallory’s hair in Chad’s fist when he was murdered, Weston ambushes Connor outside his favorite watering hole and confronts it. Connor confesses to committing the murder himself but Weston doesn’t believe him. Weston has Connor drive Weston back to Connor’s house to confront Mallory.
INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Paul, Will and Captain Davis all die because they ate the poison rice crispy treats meant for Weston. Shannon uses the opportunity to escape.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Weston and Connor arrive at the house but Mallory thinks it’s just Connor and she says some incriminating things. Weston asks her what her motive was.
INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY
In a flashback scene, Mallory associates sexual gratification with killing men.
INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Shannon blunders into Weston’s confrontation with Mallory & Connor where it looks like Weston might just kill them both. Connor tackles Weston to the ground and winds up killing him. Shannon attacks Mallory for framing her but Mallory winds up killing Shannon in self defense.
EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory drive off, fugitives from the law but they’re in it together.
SCENE RATINGS:
42 (E3) Connor and Mallory leave their house, their home. Connor loads the car with Mallory’s many bags, takes over driving and suggests they live abroad. Some amusing banter and reference to the title.
41 (E9) Weston has Mallory tie Connor’s hands behind his back at gun point. This turns out to be a slip knot because when Shannon shows up Connor is able to tackle Weston. Connor strangles Weston with the rope while Mallory chokes Shannon with a rubber spreader – this is a nice payoff since that was a gift from a condensing Shannon.
40 (E6) Mallory, as a preteen, plays with herself in the school bathroom stall. A janitor comes into the bathroom to clean the floor, and when he asks her for her hall pass she stabs him in the eye with a pen. When he slips on the soapy floor the pen penetrates his skull and he dies. And Mallory has an orgasm.
39 (E2) Connor shows up with Weston who is holding him at gun point. Mallory calls out to her husband before she realizes who is which him and she is busted! Weston asks what her motive was and we get some background on Mallory.
38 (E7) While transferring Shannon as their prisoner Officers Paul and Will suddenly go into seizures and die on the floor; both they and Captain Davis ate Mallory’s poisoned rice crispy treats. Shannon can’t believe her luck they left her jail cell door open! She gets their keys, unlocks her handcuffs and steals a police car to drive to Connor and Mallory’s house
37 (E4) Connor drinks alone at the bar with Vinny the bartender while Weston stalks him, waits for Connor to come outside to confront him. Weston has a DNA match of Mallory’s hair in the murder victim’s fist. Scene with Vinny falls flat but more intrigue occurs when Connor confesses to the murder to save his wife. Also some interesting background on Connor and what his motives might be.
36 (E2) Mallory delivers rice crispy squares to the police station with the superior position that they are poisoned. Paul decides to lock them in the evidence locker as Will drools over them. Some foreshadowing but otherwise not too exciting.
35 (E1) Connor brings home supplies to poison a batch of rice crispy treats. Reference to an earlier scene when Mallory said it’d be hot to use poison. Maybe could cut this.
34 (E3) Weston opens the Manila envelope that is supposed to contain evidence that Connor submitted to find it full of shredded paper. Connor nearly walks in on him snooping but Weston acts casual, takes his leave. However Connor spots a piece of shredded paper on the floor of the evidence locker and realizes Weston knows the truth.
33 (E3) Weston brings the sample of Mallory’s hair to the morgue where he bullies the mortician into sending them to a lab for DNA analysis as quickly as possible. Too quick to be that entertaining.
32 (E6) Connor and Mallory have Weston over for dinner again only this time Weston happens upon a class ring he finds under a kitchen counter, which Weston recognizes as Chad’s. Intrigued, he keeps it to himself and says his goodbyes but not before snatching two strains of hair from Mallory’s head and pickpocketing Connor for the key to the evidence locker. Again.
31 (E4) Shannon is arrested by Captain Davis and Weston as Connor and Mallory look on from their front doorstep. It’s kinda fun, considering the superior position.
30 (E1) Weston hands the mortician Derek the newly found glove, says the DNA analysis results will take a few days. Maybe a pointless scene, least entertaining scene.
29 (E3) Weston received an anonymous tip to talk to Shannon so Weston and Captain Davis interview her at her home where Weston finds a bloody glove in her backyard. A little fun to see the cops manipulated.
28 (E5) Connor plants the matching bloody glove in Shannon’s backyard. Hope/fear scene that he might get caught by Shannon. Could maybe do more with this.
27 (E4) Paul and Will question Mallory at the police station. She denies being at the club/the scene of the crime. William was with her for part of the night in question but Paul is suspicious. Could maybe embellish this.
26 (E3) Shannon comes forward and reports that Mallory was at the club/the scene of the crime and was the last one to see Chad/the murder victim alive. Connor is taken off the case as a conflict of interest. Could make this reveal more entertaining.
25 (E2) Connor and Weston visit the coroner’s place where the mortician gives a report of hair and skin samples collected off of Chad’s body along with a bloody glove that was recovered with the corpse. Maybe could/should present more irony to make this scene more entertaining.
24 (E7) Deciding to keep their enemies close, Mallory and Connor have Weston over for dinner. Once or twice Mallory is tempted to kill Weston (depending on whether or not he likes her cooking) but Connor stays her hand. Weston also reveals that the reason he became a police officer was his brother was murdered years ago, and it’s implied that Mallory did it. Love this but might invoke too much sympathy for the Weston character.
23 (E1) Connor has a phone conversation with his wife where they try and decide what to do about Weston. Not that entertaining.
22 (E3) A forensics team digs up Chad’s body. Weston is delighted with this latest development but Connor is morose, using the excuse that they have to tell Chad’s parents that their boy is dead. Weston, at first suspicious of Connor, starts to warm up to him. Maybe should make Weston less likeable here.
21 (E4) Weston and Captain Davis run into Connor on his way back to town. Apparently Gummy Joe had set a rendezvous with them in the woods. Captain Davis’s lap dog Pumpkin Spice digs up a human finger from a patch of fresh dirt in the woods, and this alerts Weston and Captain Davis to the body buried nearby.
20 (E7) Connor meets with the writer of the blackmail note, a strange man named Gummy Joe. Gummy Joe wants Connor to buy him a bottle of horribly expensive whiskey so Joe can be a member of high society, but Connor refuses on account it would be hundreds of thousands of dollars. Connor gets into an altercation with Joe and winds up killing him. Connor has a moment where he cries to himself before he drives away.
19 (E4) Connor accompanies Weston when conducting interviews of the staff of the club where Chad was last seen. Connor does whatever he can to muddle the witness testimony, which annoys Weston. Connor also receives a blackmail note from an anonymous party demanding a meeting.
18 (E5) Weston pickpockets Connor and starts rummaging through some of Connor’s previous cases before Connor stops him. Seems like Weston and Connor will be working together but their relationship has started off on the wrong foot.
17 (E4) The police Captain Davis calls a meeting for everyone to be on the look out for a VIP missing person. Turns out that Chad is the son of somebody important and now Weston, a private investigator, and all the cops are out looking for him.
16 (E6) Connor and Mallory bury the body in some nearby woods. Some amusing banter about owls. Mallory wants to leave one of her bloody gloves so Connor lets her. They don’t notice but they’re being followed.
15 (E9) Connor gets driven home by Will. Connor then comes in to the bloody mess that is Mallory’s murder. There’s a mad scramble to hide the body and clean the blood when Will comes knocking. They let him in their house but successfully conceal the body until Will is gone. Scene plays out like a farce!
14 (E2) Mallory resists Chad’s charms, and when he comes onto her aggressively she kills him.
13 (E3) Slighted by Connor blowing off their dinner, Mallory goes out to a club by herself where she runs into Shannon and the young man she’s trying to seduce. The young man (Chad) likes Mallory more and Mallory decides to take him home.
12 (E4) Connor goes out drinking with Paul and Will, and at the bar he almost gets into a fight with a stranger. The stranger is Weston who reveals himself to be a detective. Connor has too much to drink and forgets about the date night with his wife.
11 (E6) Mallory waters her roses as her neighbor Shannon waters her own flowers too. It’s clear these two are rivals both regarding growing roses and baking competitions as they give each other back-handed compliments. Shannon gives Mallory a rubber chef’s spreader, telling her it’s the best. Later Mallory will use this on Shannon. Love this scene but could still elevate it.
10 (E2) Captain Davis comes into Connor’s office and informs him he’s being assigned a new partner. Pumpkin Spice, the Captain’s lapdog, yips annoyingly at Connor the whole time.
9 (E2) Connor and Mallory make up after their little fight and Connor promises he will be home for dinner at time that night.
8 (E3) Mallory is very much in the mood. Killing is apparently an aphrodisiac for her! So much so she wants to murder more but Connor is worried that he can’t keep covering for her.
7 (E6) Connor returns home, destroys the security video tape and find Mallory sitting in the kitchen, covered with someone else’s blood! Turns out their special plans were for Mallory to commit murder and for Connor to help her get away with it. And they are super casual about the whole thing! Love the character intro of Mallory!
6 (E2) Connor gets Will to submit an unchecked Manila envelope containing the bloody glove as evidence in a locker at the station. Will has also been eating donuts out of a box that is also in evidence.
5 (E3) Connor finds and confiscates a security tape from the gas station across the street that seems to capture part of the murder. Some intrigue about who the murderer might be and how Connor will catch him/her
4 (E5) Connor arrives at the murder scene where police officers Paul and Will keep a crowd back. Connor finds a long lady’s glove in a dumpster and bags it as evidence.
3 (E1) Connor celebrates at his old partner’s retirement party. He gets a call and has to leave the party early.
2 (E5) A mysterious woman seduces a young, suspecting young man from the dance floor of a night club to the back alley where she kills him with a knife.
1 (E2) Connor leaves the house for work but before he does so his wife Mallory slips their wedding photo into his wallet. Seems like they are planning something special tonight.
Ugh! Need to start my script much more strongly!
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Character introductions
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I shouldn’t just introduce my characters as a throw away part of my script, and actions speak louder than words.
CONNOR MURPHY:
He’s introduced in his house, about to go to work.
First action: He polishes his badge, turns about from his reflection
First dialogue: “Now honey, please remember to…”
MALLORY MURPHY:
She’s introduced in her home, preparing dinner
First action: She’s chopping up a bloody side of beef
First dialogue: “I can’t wait for tonight!”
WESTON TRENT:
He’s introduced in a bar, drinking alone.
First action: He bumps into Connor, seemingly drunk
First dialogue: “I’m gonna go hit the head”
SHANNON DOYLE:
She’s introduced just outside of her home
First action: She waters her rose bushes
First dialogue: “Mallory…”
NEW INTRODUCTION TYPE(S):
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
Build the Character’s reputation.
Character philosophy
The reveal opening.
POSSIBLE REWRITES:
Connor tries to drink his coffee black, but instead indulges in sugary creamer.
Connor enters the police station to applause! He just solved a recent armed robbery case and everyone is congratulating him.
Connor finds a long black hair in his shower. He questions his wife about it and nicely reminds her that cleanliness is next to godliness
Connor is first seen on the job, over a bloody body. But he’s on the phone laughing with his wife and making jokes.
Mallory brings freshly baked cookies to the police station to celebrate the Captain’s birthday
Mallory hosts a retirement party for Connor’s partner, Charles but she is still the center of attention
Mallory prunes her rose bushes, talking to and belittling the less pretty blooms as she snips them
Mallory is actually a biology teacher and dissects a cow’s heart for her class
Weston tries to sneak a look at the case Connor just solved but gets shut down
Weston crashes the party but gets escorted out by some officers per Connor’s orders
Weston plants some evidence at a crime scene to frame a guilty man (kidnapping case?)
A murder occurs and Weston is close by when it happens. Unfortunately he doesn’t witness much but he’s determined to help solve it.
Shannon snips one of Mallory’s rose blooms while she isn’t looking
Shannon crosses the yard to say good morning to Mallory while Mallory pleads with Connor to stay so Mallory doesn’t have to talk to Shannon
Shannon loses a bake-off competition to Mallory and takes it really hard
Shannon appears at the Captain’s retirement party, also with baked treats and informally competes with Mallory which of their desserts taste best
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Gregory’s Character Story Beats
What I learned from doing this assignment is that Hal is right, that separating and then elevating parts of individual character’s story makes this clearer and easier to improve and elevate.
1) CONNOR MURPHY
Profile: His traits are loyal, resourceful, patient, indulgent
Subtext: He doesn’t believe in the law. Not anymore.
Overall Story
Beginning: Sets out to solve an assigned murder case
Middle: Realizes the murder was committed by his wife, decides to cover for her
End: Deter everyone who might still be pursuing his wife
Beats, broad strokes:
1)Connor takes on a murder case
2)Connor covers for his wife, the murderer
*3)Connor goes to an extreme to keep his wife out of jail
IMPROVEMENT:
One part of Connor’s story that can be elevated is how Connor goes about deterring those pursing his wife. Maybe I could have Connor confess to the crime and go to jail in her stead. This would also be going to an extreme to protect his wife without jumping immediately to murder. Then maybe he’s busted out of jail by his wife! Then, like it or not, he himself is now a fugitive.
2) MALLORY MURPHY
Profile: Her traits are kind, hospitable, insecure, psychopathic
Subtext: She doesn’t get mad, she gets even.
Overall Story
Beginning: Struggles to keep her impulses under control
Middle: Gives in to her killer impulses and commits two murders
End: Lives to express her impulses freely
Beats, broad strokes:
*1)Mallory kills the UPS guy
2)Mallory goes on a crusade to eliminate “unsavory men” from her town
3)Mallory teams up with her husband to take on those pursuing them
IMPROVEMENT:
One way I can improve Mallory’s story is that instead of a UPS guy I could have her first victim be Shannon’s husband (calling him DYLAN for now), and Mallory has the intention of telling Dylan that Shannon is having an affair behind his back. Only she’s not; Dylan and Shannon apparently have an open relationship and Dylan comes onto Mallory aggressively. This leads to Mallory killing Dylan.
3) WESTON TRENT
Profile: His traits are driven, suspicious, curious, unorthodox
Subtext: He’s willing to cross the line to achieve an objective
Overall Story
Beginning: Sets out to solve a murder case he was hired privately to solve
Middle: Thinks he got his man, or in this case his woman
End: Realizes he’s been duped and goes rogue
Beats, broad strokes:
1)Weston starts a private investigation on the murder
2)Weston has Shannon arrested
*3)Weston kidnaps Connor and prepares to kill Mallory as revenge
IMPROVEMENT:
A private detective going rogue and wanting to kidnap and murder two criminals himself seems unlikely. Maybe he could be determined to arrest both Mallory and Connor, and not just Connor when he confesses.
4) SHANNON DOYLE
Profile: Her traits are pompous, nosy, competitive, vicious
Subtext: She only sees value in herself if she wins
Overall Story
*Beginning: Has an affair with UPS guy
*Middle: Reports on Mallory but then has the tables turned on her by Connor and gets arrested herself
End: Escapes from jail and attacks those who framed her
Beats, broad strokes:
1)Shannon witnesses Mallory with the future victim at the club
2)Shannon turns in Mallory
3)Shannon takes advantage of everyone at the station being poisoned to escape from jail
IMPROVEMENT:
Shannon getting framed so readily by Connor seems unlikely. Maybe there is evidence that Shannon was PLANNING on killing her husband Dylan (as opposed to the UPS guy) and Shannon gets arrested due to a high life insurance policy taken out recently on her husband (who was then coincidentally murdered by Mallory). So it’s mostly bad timing that leads to her arrest rather than a half-ass frame job by Connor.
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Gregory’s Beat Sheet
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I really need to work on my pacing because some beats are shorter than others. Plus my structure problems were made pretty clear to me here. But hey, reason to celebrate!
Title: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART STOPS
(might change this to HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE)
Logline: When a small town detective comes across a murder case, he races to solve it before his rival gumshoe can. But when the detective discovers his own wife did the deed, the detective decides to protect his spouse rather than abide by the law he’s sworn to uphold.
BEAT SHEET
1. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor leaves the house for work but before he does so his wife Mallory slips their wedding photo into his wallet. Seems like they are planning something special tonight
2. INT./EXT. CLUB – NIGHT
A mysterious woman seduces a young, suspecting young man from the dance floor to the back alley where she kills him with a knife.
3. INT. APARTMENT- NIGHT
Connor celebrates at his old partner’s retirement party. He gets a call and has to leave the party early.
4. EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
Connor arrives at the murder scene where police officers Paul and Will keep a crowd back. Connor finds a long lady’s glove in a dumpster and bags it as evidence.
5. INT. GAS STATION – NIGHT
Connor finds and confiscates a security tape from the gas station across the street that seems to capture part of the murder.
6. INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Connor gets Will to submit an unchecked Manila envelope containing the bloody glove as evidence in a locker at the station
7. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor returns home to find Mallory sitting in the kitchen, covered with someone else’s blood! Turns out their special plans were for Mallory to commit murder and for Connor to help her get away with it. And they are super casual about the whole thing!
8. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mallory is very much in the mood. Killing is apparently an aphrodisiac for her! So much so she wants to murder more but Connor is worried that he can’t keep covering for her.
9. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory make up after their little fight and Connor promises he will be home for dinner at time that night.
10. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Mallory waters her roses as her neighbor Shannon waters her own flowers too. It’s clear these two are rivals both regarding growing roses and barking competitions.
11. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Connor goes out drinking with Paul and Will, and at the bar he almost gets into a fight with a stranger. This is Weston who reveals himself to be a detective. Connor has too much to drink and forgets about the date night with his wife.
12. INT. CLUB – NIGHT
Slighted by Connor blowing off their dinner, Mallory goes out to a club by herself where she runs into Shannon and the young man she’s trying to seduce. The young man (Chad) likes Mallory more and Mallory decides to take him home.
13. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mallory resists Chad’s charms, and when he comes onto her aggressively she kills him.
14. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Will drives Connor, who’s too drunk to drive, home. Connor instructs Will to wait outside but then knock on the front door after three minutes to make sure Connor and Mallory’s impending fight doesn’t get out of hand.
15. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor comes in to the bloody mess that is Mallory’s murder. There’s a mad scramble to hide the body and clean the blood when Will comes knocking. They successfully conceal it until Will is gone.
16. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory bury the body in some nearby woods. Mallory wants to leave one of her bloody gloves so Connor lets her. They don’t notice but they’re being followed.
17. INT. POLICE STATION- DAY
The police Captain Davis calls a meeting for everyone to be on the look out for a VIP missing person. Turns out that Chad is the son of somebody important and now Weston and all the cops are out looking for him.
18. INT. CLUB – DAY
Connor accompanies Weston when conducting interviews of the staff of the club where Chad was last seen. Connor does whatever he can to muddle the witness testimony. Connor also receives a blackmail note from an anonymous party demanding a meeting.
19. INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS – DAY
Connor meets with the writer of the blackmail note, a strange man named Gummy Joe. Connor gets into an altercation with Joe and winds up killing him.
20. EXT. WOODS – DAY
Weston and Captain Davis run into Connor on his way back to town. Apparently Gummy Joe had set a rendezvous with them in the woods. Captain Davis’s lap dog Pumpkin Spice finds the body of Chad and alerts Weston and Captain Davis.
21. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
A forensics team digs up Chad’s body. Weston is delighted with this latest development but Connor is morose, using the excuse that they have to tell Chad’s parents that their boy is dead.
22. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Deciding to keep their enemies close, Mallory and Connor have Weston over for dinner. Once or twice Mallory is tempted to kill Weston but Connor stays her hand.
23. INT. MORGUE – DAY
Connor and Weston visit the coroner’s place where the mortician gets a report of hair and skin samples collected off of Chad’s body along with a bloody glove that was recovered.
24. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Shannon comes forward and reports to Captain Davis that Mallory was the last one to Chad alive. Mallory is brought in for questioning and she denies leaving the club with Chad. She calls on Officer Will to confirm that no suspicious activity was occurring the night he drove Connor home.
25. EXT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor hops his fence over to Shannon’s backyard and plants the matching bloody glove in her rose bushes.
26. INT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor persuades Weston to interview Shannon at her house, and there Weston finds the bloody glove in the rose bushes. Shannon is arrested.
27. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory have Weston over for dinner again only this time Weston happens upon a class ring, which Weston recognizes as Chad’s. He says his goodbyes to Connor and Mallory but not before snatching two strains of hair from Mallory’s head.
28. INT. MORGUE – DAY
Weston hands Mallory’s hair over to the mortician to run a DNA analysis and see if it matches with the hair found in Chad’s fist.
29. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Weston discovers that Connor has not been submitting evidence on previous murder cases and recruits Paul and Will to help take Connor down. Connor either overhears this conversation or otherwise catches wind of it.
30. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory plot to poison Weston.
31. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Mallory delivers some rice crispy treats to the station and makes it clear to Will and Paul that they are for Weston only.
32. EXT. BAR – NIGHT
Having confirmed it was Mallory’s hair in Chad’s fist when he was murdered, Weston ambushes Connor outside his favorite watering hole and confronts it. Connor confesses to committing the murder himself but Weston doesn’t believe him. Weston has Connor drive Weston back to Connor’s house to confront Mallory.
33. INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Paul, Will and Captain Davis all die because they ate the poison rice crispy treats meant for Weston. Shannon uses the opportunity to escape.
34. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Shannon blunders into Weston’s confrontation with Mallory & Connor where it looks like Weston might just kill them both. Connor tackles Weston to the ground and winds up killing him. Shannon attacks Mallory for framing her but Mallory winds up killing Shannon in self defense.
35. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory drive off, fugitives from the law but they’re in it together.
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Gregory’s Concept and Basic Structure, version 1
What I learned from doing this assignment is that there are a number of ways I can setup my story and a number of ways it could play out, and now is the time to think about big picture ideas and what they might look at screen.
1) OPENING: Wedding day for Connor and Mallory. Connor makes a vow to always protect his new bride no matter what.
Alternate opening ideas:
– Connor as a child protects a girl who did something terrible and gets a kiss on the cheek from her because of it
-Mallory as a child beating up on a boy
– Connor as a child having his mother taken away. It’s clear his mother is an unsavory character but he sees her as angel
– Connor as a child playing cops and robbers. He should “arrest” the girl robber but he likes her so decides against it
-Both Connor and Mallory are new arrivals in the big city. Mallory is horrified with people’s behavior but Connor is resolved to do well at his new job
2) INCITING INCIDENT: Mallory discovers affair of Shannon
Alternate inciting incidents:
– Mallory and Connor meets an unsavory neighbor man and a nosy neighbor, Shannon
– Connor arrives for his new job as police detective to discover the previous detective has decided not to retire after all, leaving Connor essentially unemployed in a new city
3) PAGE 10: Mallory is playing detective like her new husband
Alternate ideas:
– Connor resolves to compete against the older detective in the effort to support his family
4) ACT 1 BREAK: Mallory kills UPS guy
Alternate ideas:
– Mallory kills unsavory neighbor man in self-defense
5) MIDPOINT: Connor discovers what his wife has done and is devastated
Alternate ideas:
– Connor has known his wife tends to kill all along! But he’s still concerned because she said should would stop
6) ACT 2 BREAK: Connor defends Mallory, killing a man in the process
Alternate ideas:
– Connor and Mallory hatch a plan to frame the murder on their nosy neighbor, Shannon. Connor has Mallory swear she won’t kill anymore
7) CRISIS: Connor’s partner Weston finds out
Alternate ideas:
– Connor’s rival Weston has a lead that Mallory may have done the deed, but at this point everyone at the station has met Mallory and refuse to believe the theory
8) CLIMAX: Weston finds the evidence he needs and has them both arrested
Alternate ideas:
– Connor and Mallory find a way to kill everybody
9) RESOLUTION: Connor and Mallory escape from jail and are on the lam
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What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have a huge opportunity to elevate the second half of my screenplay and my ending. So I’m celebrating!
Title: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART STOPS
Logline: When a small town detective comes across a murder case, he races to solve it before his rival gumshoe can. But when the detective discovers his own wife did the deed, the detective decides to protect his spouse rather than abide by the law he’s sworn to uphold.
One page:
The story opens on Connor, a small town detective now dressed in a tuxedo. He lays a bouquet of roses on his mother’s grave, saying how much he would have liked her to be there with him on his wedding day and makes a vow to be a better husband to his new wife than his father was to her. Meanwhile his new wife Mallory is getting ready with her bridesmaids and one of them spills red wine on her wedding gown! Rather than get mad she opts to cover it with a white shawl. However, when that particular bridesmaid takes a nasty and embarrassing spill during the procession, Mallory shrugs indifferently and continues. While their married life promised to be exciting, both Connor and Mallory find themselves to be very bored very soon, Connor at his job and Mallory at home and even in each other’s company. It is for this reason Mallory starts to spy on her neighbor Shannon and discovers that she is having an affair with the UPS delivery man! When Mallory decides to interview the UPS guy she invites him inside for some lemonade. When the UPS guy takes it the wrong way and comes onto her aggressively, she maces him in her garage. But instead of getting in her car and driving away Mallory gets in her car and rams him with it against the garage wall, killing him!
The cops find the UPS truck at the bottom of a ravine with the beaten up body inside it. To the cops it looks like an accident but Connor suspects foul play and gets access to the evidence. Weston, a private investigator, shows up at the station while Connor is sorting through the contents of the truck and informs Connor that Weston has been hired to solve the case by the victim’s brother, a DHL delivery guy. These two guys clearly don’t get along and soon there’s a competition with Weston interviewing witnesses and Connor tracking the packages. Connor is so engrossed with competing that he doesn’t notice his wife Mallory desperately trying to clean blood out of towels when he gets home. Some detective! Soon enough Connor figures out that the last package delivered was to his own home but by that point Mallory has decided to kill again, this time targeting another man known to be a dirtbag. However her second victim turns out to be a formidable opponent and he starts to get the best of her. Connor returns home early to confront his wife but instead winds up saving her and killing the dirtbag in the process. Mallory confesses to her husband what she’s been doing, killing the unsavory men of the town, and Connor decides to protect her from certain jail time in order to keep the vow he made to his deceased mother.
Under the ruse that he has swallowed his pride, Connor proposes that he and Weston collaborate instead of compete to solve the case. When Weston is reluctant, Connor assures him that Weston can keep the whole payment when the case is solved and that Connor just wants to catch the killer. When they have an accord, Connor does everything he can to muddle witness testimony and wreck physical evidence. Right when Weston has had just about enough of Connor behavior Connor suggests they interview Shannon, his neighbor. While Weston talks with Shannon Connor manages to plant the bloody UPS ID badge of the victim in Shannon’s house for Weston to find and at that point Connor produced pictures of the victim and Shannon together (provided by Mallory). Weston has Shannon arrested and it looks like they have their culprit. Weston warms up to Connor and gladly accepts an invitation to dinner with him and Mallory. While Mallory thinks they should kill Weston while they have the chance to tie up that loose end, she is still a gracious hostess. The evening looks like it will end on a pleasant note, but then on his way out Weston blunders upon a wedding ring on the floor of their garage. Instinctively Weston reads the inner inscription and realizes it belongs the UPS guy, the murder victim. Weston now knows he’s been betrayed by Connor!
The way the ending stands now is that Weston collects Mallory’s fingerprints and/or DNA from the truck, and right as a confrontation ensues between Weston and Connor and Mallory, Shannon escapes from jail and bursts onto the scene. This provides enough of a distraction for Connor to tackled Weston to the ground and fight him to the death while Mallory kills Shannon. Connor and Mallory then drive off tougher, fugitives from the law but with a revitalized marriage!
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I agree to the terms of this release form
– Gregory Kiernan
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Hi everyone!
My name is Greg and I’ve written 7 scripts up to this point.
I was part of the Masterclass 15 with Hal and now I’m looking to rewrite my script from that class that I know is a high concept.
One interesting thing about me is that I have eleven siblings. So yeah, that’s a lot.
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What I learned from doing this assignment is that I should make my main protagonists more relatable so that their actions are more understandable even if the audience doesn’t condone them, and I should make the antagonist an even worst person so they can root against him
Logline: When a police detective learns that his psychopathic wife has had a relapse, he must do whatever he can to keep her safe as a private investigator closes in on closing the case.
3 main characters:
1) CONNOR MURPHY: Police detective who covers up a murder to keep his recovering psychopathic wife out of jail.
Traits: Loyal, resourceful, patient, indulgent
Subtext: He doesn’t believe in the law. Not anymore.
Want: To stop the arrest of his wife
Need: To protect his loved ones
Flaw: He lacks empathy for people he doesn’t love
Character arc: From admirable law enforcer to criminal
Fear: That he will wind up alone
Wound: His mother had a mental disorder and she was taken away from him as a child.
IMPROVED TRAIT: Indulgent
If I make Connor more indulgent in other things (i.e. what he eats and drinks) then it might make an easier transition for him to indulgent in the life of crime
2) MALLORY MURPHY: A school teacher and recovering psychopath who falls off the wagon
Traits: kind, hospitable, insecure, psychopathic
Subtext: She doesn’t get mad, she gets even.
Want: To stay with her husband Connor
Need: To see justice in the world
Flaw: She tends to be resentful
Character arc: From happy housewife to natural born killer
Fear: That she’ll be forever misunderstood
Wound: A prank gone horribly wrong she committed as a teen hurt someone she wasn’t trying to hurt
IMPROVED TRAIT: Insecure. This way she is vulnerable enough that she would want to lash out and see “justice” carried out as she sees it. Plus she would need her husband’s protection more.
3) WESTON TRENT: Private investigator hired to solve a murder and suspects it might be linked to murders in the past
Traits: driven, suspicious, curious, unorthodox
Subtext: He’s willing to cross the line to achieve an objective
Want: To solve the murder he’s been hired to solve
Need: To execute justice, even if it means taking it into his own hands
Flaw: He jumps to conclusions
Character arc: From respectable private eye to vigilante
Fear: That his self-started business will fail
Wound: unknown (originally I had his own brother be one of Mallory’s past victims but I think that generates too much sympathy for his character)
IMPROVED TRAIT: Suspicious. Having Weston be less even keel would alienate him from other law enforcers and put him in more of a position where he needs to go rogue.
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I opted to post my feedback here on the forums so other people could read it if they want. If you want to email me at gkman117@gmail.com you can.
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Gregory’s feedback for Tom
Title: MIRACLES HAPPEN
– Before I read your logline I thought this was a Christmas movie. You may want to brainstorm other titles that better reflect your concept. If you come up with 20-30 alternate titles, one or two from that list are bound to be better than what you currently have
LOGLINE: A restless 22 year old black veteran is UNHAPPY with his life in America so he tried to return to Europe for a better life. After overcoming many life threatening situations, he finds hope and purpose in the USA.
– “Overcoming many life threatening situations” is too vague. The big event is that he gets strained in New York so maybe mention that here. But then how goes his goal(s) change after that and what gets in his way? Who is the antagonist?
One page critique:
You have a good strong conflict (albeit with a lot of detail) at the beginning of your story along with a possible romantic interest in Act 1, but then both disappear. What’s the conflict in Acts 2&3? I understand he struggles with drug addiction but you really need an external source of conflict in the heart of your story. Maybe a racist New York Police Captain with a whole squadron of goons with badges who’s not only out to get Ray but after other individuals he’s branded as Black Panther revolutionaries? And it might be worth developing that street walker character. Does she turn up in New York and become a romantic interest for Ray?
You have hints of a good transformational journey but it’s a bit weak. If Ray starts off as a skeptical atheist then he would have room to grow. In fact, maybe he approaches the racist cops in LA, gun in hand, with intent to kill them but when some other beaten black victim of theirs beats Ray to the punch! This way Ray didn’t actually commit murder but he was in the state of mind where he was about to do so. Then in the end he’s achieved inner peace, a far cry from where he started.
Finally, Ray should meet someone in New York at the beginning of Act 2 who influences him greatly. Maybe this person is the one who turns Ray onto Buddhism in the first place and he could be the one who wants Ray to get clean. Perhaps he could also have Ray’s back during said conflicts with racist New York cops. This new character would therefore be the change agent during the course of Ray’s transformational journey and your screenplay would really benefit from a supporting character like that.
Hope this helped!
Greg
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Hey Tom! I like your page one. Would you like to exchange feedback with me?
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Hey David! I like your concept. Would you like to exchange feedback with me?