Greg Kanaga
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Day 7: Greg Kanaga – Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this is which scenes need the most work.
10. Ending
E10 45 years later Prof’s remains are brought home. All the characters attend the funeral including Connally, Maggie and their grown daughter, an Air Force Colonel with wings.
9. Resolution:
E10 Mad hears Connally’s faint voice over the emergency radio. A massive rescue is launched and he’s brought back to the arms of Maggie.
8. Climax.
E10 Chance and Prof are shot down and presumed killed in action.
Maggie believes she has evidence that Connally may have survived but is unable to convince the bureaucracy to do another search.
She breaks down at the officers club. Out of sympathy and to get her off his back Prof’s best friend, Mad, makes one last flyover of the area.
7. Crises.
E7 He is arrested again, this time for crashing a car through the base gate rushing the injured girl the the hospital.
Stripped of all flying duties he is put on a desk job. He cuts ties with everyone.
Maggie discovers she’s pregnant.
Maggie explains things to the Base Commander and Connelly is returned to flying. Not knowing she’s the reason he avoids her attempts to reconnect.
6. Second turning point at end of act 2:
E5 While Connelly and Maggie are on a date at an orchid farm, a little girl is hit by a jeep of drunk airman.
5.. Midpoint:
E8 Given another chance he and his front-seater, Prof, shoot down a Mig.
At the officers club he meets Maggie and they become involved. Things are finally looking up.
4. First turning point at the end of act one:
E10 After Connelly’s best friend and former back-seater is killed he gets drunk and decks a superior officer.
He’s jailed facing a dishonorable discharge.
3. Inciting Incident:
E4 Connelly is stripped of his pilot status and shipped to Vietnam to be a back-seater in the F-4.
1. Opening
E10 Connelly’s showboating in his F-4 fighter during flight training nearly kills dozens of civilians.
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Greg Kanaga, Character Intros.
What I learned doing this assignment: I realized in my earlier rewrite attempt to streamline the introduction I had missed the opportunity to use dialogue to enhance the action and show character traits. I decided to make the supporting character BUTCH more Connally’s equal.
EXT. AIRBORNE – DAY
Shark teeth emblazon the beaks of two Air Force F-4 Phantoms tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
HISSING oxygen keeps time with labored breaths.
In the front seat, lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY, 22, has a surplus of the alloys needed to forge an Air Force fighter pilot. Aggressive, resourceful and too narcissistic to concede the risks.
In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, 22, is an easy going farm boy, who doesn’t take shit from anyone.
BUTCH
We’ve got him locked.
CONNALLY
Yeah, I know.
BUTCH
Well then take the damn shot.
CONALLY
And put ’em out of their misery? Ca’mon Butch what’s the fun in that?
The leading F-4 rolls and dives pell-mell towards the ground. Connally stays glued to it’s tail.
Butch checks his altimeter.
BUTCH
Okay, Connally knock it off we’re gonna bust the deck.
Connally removes his oxygen mask, looks back at Butch with a shit eating grin.
CONNALLY
If you’re so afraid why don’t you pull yer handles and punch out?
Butch removes his mask.
BUTCH
Fuck you Connally.
CONNALLY
Is that any way to talk to a superior officer?
The leading F-4 pulls up revealing a four lane highway rushing up in the windscreen.
BUTCH
Look out!
CONNALLY
Shit.
He pulls back on the stick. The fighter resists as G-suits ring out adrenaline and piss.
CONNALLY
Come on, come on ,come on.
Butch reaches towards the ejection handles.
EXT. SEMI TRUCK – DAY
A lumbering semi hauls crates of live chickens.
INT. SEMI TRUCK – DAY
The SEMI DRIVER sings along with the SONG: WHEN YOUR HOT YOUR HOT – JERRY REED.
Shark teeth fill trucker’s mirrors.
SEMI DRIVER
What the…
The F-4 THUNDERS over the top CRACKLING in full afterburner. Theres an eruption of chicken feathers as the jet’s powerful thrust blows the truck on its side.
It slides down the highway towards oncoming traffic.
The Phantom swoops under drooping high tension lines, pitches straight up and disappears in the sun.
INT. BEDROOM – MORNING
The muffled RINGING of an alarm clock.
A glover hand reaches to silence the bell. It’s Connally. He’s still in his flight suit, helmet and all.
The room begins to shake.
BUTCH
Your speed. Watch your speed.
INT./EXT. F-4 PHANTOM -DAY
The alarm clock is his airspeed indicator, the ringing, the stall warning system. The aircraft SHUDDERS.
BUTCH
We’re gonna stall.
The jet flips into an inverted spin. The altimeter unwinds like an express elevator. Connally flogs the dead stick.
The earth spins closer over their heads. Connally deploys the drag chute. It rips away.
But it’s just enough to stabilize the fighter. Airspeed climbs, convulsions wane, the alarm ceases.
They zoom over the cluster fuck of loose chickens and wrecked vehicles.
BASE OPERATIONS – DAY
A closed door with a bronze placard – SQUADRON COMMANDER.
INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally and Butch stand at attention. COLONEL MARIAN sits at his desk.
CONNALLY
Colonel, I must have failed to set my altimeter.
COLONEL MERIAN
So, your telling me your Wizzo failed to inform –
BUTCH
Yes sir. I take full responsibility for the –
COLONEL MERIAN
Shut up lieutenant.
CONONEL MERIAN
You’ve both been assigned to the Four Thirty Second fighter wing, Udorn Thailand.
Connally and Butch share a look of relief.
(to Butch) Unfortunately protocol dictates you receive a letter of reprimand.
CONNALLY
That’s not fair it wasn’t his –
COLONEL MERIAN
And you Mister Connally have been demoted to 02. Upon arrival in Udorn you will receive training and serve as Weapons Systems Operator.
CONNALLY
A backseater! Why not just kill me now?
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DAY 5 ELEVATE YOUR CHARACTER’S STORIES
What I learned while elevating my character’s story is that brainstorming the story from the character’s perspective creates scenes that are personal and revealing. It also helped me discover new scenes that incorporate these elements.
Connally: Lead
Protagonist: Maggie
Antagonist: The System
Connecting character: ?
Supporting character for Protagonist: Prof
Supporting character for Antagonist: Connally (self sabotage)
Character Profile:
Connally is a young, gifted albeit self destructive pilot.
Beginning: He’s demoted for recklessness.
Middle: He falls for Maggie, is jailed and grounded.
End: Shot down presumed dead, he’s rescued.
Connelly’s Character Beats:
1. He’s demoted to WSO and sent to Vietnam.
2. He and Prof butt heads.
3. His best and only friend is killed.
4. He gets drunk, decks a superior officer and is jailed to be dishonorably discharged.
I’m adding a scene where he leaves his cat with the cocktail waitress from the officers club before heading to Vietnam.
It improves his character by showing he’s not all bad.
Maggie: Connally’s love Interest.
Protagonist: Connally
Antagonist: Colonel Foxworth.
Connecting Character: ?
Supporting character for Protagonist: Prof
Supporting character for Antagonist: Prevailing Chauvinism.
Character Profile: Beneath her austere surface is a wild child who is attracted to bad boys like Connally.
Beginning: She arrives at Udorn, innocent and shy.
Middle: She falls for Connally then they break up.
End: She saves Connally’s life.
Maggie’s Character beats:
1. She arrives at the base and bumps into drunk, rude Connally.
2. She works with Prof an a secret weapon.
3. She bumps into Connally after a Mig kill. They make love.
4. She and Connally split up.
5. Because of her efforts Connally is rescued.
I realized the classroom scene may be too much like Top Gun.
I will change the setting to the sim surrounded by seats like a old operating room. I’ll also use the scene for Connally and Maggie’s 2nd encounter. (Connally was too drunk to remember the 1st time they met).
By showing a glimmer of attraction to Connally early on, it improves the character by exposing wild side of her.
Character Name: Prof.
Protagonist: Mad
Antagonist: The war
Connecting character: ?
Supporting character for Protagonist: Strawman
Supporting character for Antagonist: Connally (self sabotage)
Character Profile: Prof is a chivalrous mentor who once was an unquestioning patriot but now is doubting the legitimacy of the war.
Beginning: He and Connally clash.
Middle: He saves Connally from himself.
End: He’s shot down and killed.
Prof’s Character Beats:
1. He and Maggie work together on on Combat Tree.
2. He tries to help Connally but Connally is too bitter and arrogant.
3. Believing in Connally, he gets the dishonorable conduct charges dropped.
4. He and Connally are the first to shoot down a Mig using the Combat Tree, proving it works.
5. Hit by a SAM. Worried he may reveal top secret information if captured, he rides the F-4 in and is killed.
I can improve the story by adding a scene showing Prof isn’t perfect.
I can improve his character by showing he is vulnerable.
Character: Mad.
Protagonist: Prof.
Antagonist: The war.
Connecting character: ?
Supporting character for Protagonist: Strawman.
Supporting character for Antagonist: Dangerous Missions.
Character Profile: Mad is an unflappable tough guy who is damn sure of himself and his purpose.
Beginning: He stoically lands a damaged F-105
Middle: He bravely conducts Wild Weasel missions.
End: He heads the rescue mission to save Connally.
Mad’s Character Beats:
1. He lands his damaged F-105 and narrowly escapes before it blows up.
2. He carouses with the gang at the tiki bar where he and the guys meet Maggie.
3. Prof comes to him for confession.
4. Following Maggie’s command he discovers Conalley is alive.
5. He leads the massive mission to rescue Connally from behind enemy lines.
I improved the rescue scene by having Mad lead the mission.
Character: Strawman.
Protagonist: Prof.
Antagonist: The war.
Connecting character: ?
Supporting character for Protagonist: Strawman.
Supporting character for Antagonist: Mad (always putting Strawman down)
Character Profile: Strawman: is the runt of the litter. He tries to use hummer to fit in and can’t understand why no one takes him seriously.
Beginning: He disseminates exposition.
Middle: He and Mad fly some harry missions.
End: If not for Strawman, Connally would have been killed.
I improved the script by having Strawman be the guy who spots the enemy about to fire an RPG at the rescue chopper.
This helps his character by making him the unexpected hero.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 4 CHARACTER PROFILES
What I learned from discovering my characters is how it fires up my creativity to discover and apply traits that make my characters have motive based subtext in every line.
LOGLINE:
Based on real events this gritty account follows fighter pilots in Vietnam battling bureaucracy, flawed weapons, a deadly enemy and inner demons that just might be the worst of all.
Character name: Connelly
Role: Fledgling Fighter Pilot
Core Character Traits:
Swaggering
Hubris
Impetuous
Bitter
Sexy
Character Subtext Logline: Connally is a young, gifted albeit self destructive pilot.
His Mission: To get his wings back.
Want: To show that he is better than everyone.
Character Arc: By the end of the script his need to prove himself is replaced by the desire survive and win back Maggie’s love.
Character Name: Maggie
Role: Intelligence Officer
Character Traits:
Buttoned down
Bright
Impish
Adventurous
Sensual
Character Subtext Logline: Beneath Maggie’s austere surface is a wild child who is attracted to bad boys like Connally.
Her Mission: To prove the Combat Tree system works in combat.
Want: Show that she’s better than the good old boys and be with Connally.
Character Arc: The insecure newbie blossoms into a strong, confident woman who isn’t afraid to disobey orders to save the man she loves.
Character Name: Prof.
Role: Wing commander 432nd Fighter Wing.
Character Traits:
Staunch
Genius
Mentor
Fatalistic
Disillusioned
Character Subtext Logline: Prof is a once an unquestioning patriot who is now doubting the legitimacy of the war.
Mission: To train pilots how to shoot down the enemy.
Want: To save the lives of his pilots and go home to his family.
Character Arc: By the end he is caught between loyalty to his country and the realization that Greed, not God is on not our side.
Character Name: Mad
Role: Wild Weasel Pilot.
Character Traits:
Gallant
Kind
Tough as Nails
Gruff
Obstinate
Character Subtext Logline: Mad is an unflappable tough guy who is damn sure of himself and his purpose.
Mission: Wild Weasel Pilot. The most dangerous mission in the air. Take out Missile sites while they’re shooting at you.
Want: To win the war.
Character Name: Strawman.
Role: Mad’s Backseater.
Character Traits:
Stalwart
Easygoing
Goofy
Socially awkward
Resentful
Character Subtext Logline: Strawman, the runt of the litter, tries to use hummer to fit and can’t understand why no one takes him seriously.
Mission: Wild Weasel Weapons System Operator.
Want: To be respected by the guys, not realizing he already is.
Improved Character: Maggie.
Before she was a straight laced officer who against all logic falls for Connelly. Now she has a wild side that is attracted to guys like him.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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DAY 3
Subject: Greg’s Story Beats
What I learned – Creating a beat sheet allowed me to identify scenes that would better serve the story by modifying them, moving them or loosing them. Writing out the beats was time consuming because I was making the corrections to the script as I went. Because I missed the instructions about listing the changes at the bottom I didn’t note the changes as I went. I’ll be sure to do it for the rest of the script.
BEAT SHEET FOR THE LAST DOGFIGHT
Logline:
Based on real events this gritty account follows fighter pilots in Vietnam struggling to survive a deadly enemy, Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and inner demons that just might be the worst of all.
1. Opening montage grainy B&W film of WWI pilots. A dogfight. A plane is shot down. A funeral and 21 gun salute, fade to…
2. TEXT OVER BLACK: “If any question why we died. Tell them because our fathers lied.” RUDYARD KIPLING 1918.
3. SILENCE EXPLODES into an APOCALYPTIC ROAR. Two Air Force F-4 Phantoms are tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
4. INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
In the front seat lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY 22. In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, also 22.
Connally nearly crashes while showing off. Flying very low the jet’s afterburners blow torch a semi hauling crates of chickens, sending it sliding into oncoming lanes, causing a huge pile up.
5. INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally is demoted and loses his pilot status. He’s assigned to be a backseater in Vietnam.
6. EXT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – AIRBORNE – DAY
A small Grey Cessna flies through scattered clouds.
7. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – CONTINUOUS
Wearing remarkably unflattering military issue glasses, MAGGIE, 22, stares at the monotonous jungle scrolling below. At the controls of the plane is Prof. The top pilot of the 432nd fighter wing.
8. INT. UDORN CONTROL TOWER – CONTINUOUS
SIRENS HOWL, ENGINES ROAR. Crash and rescue trucks rush below.
9. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO
The control tower tells them to look out for an F-105 inbound with an emergency. The jet thunders past leaving a trail of black smoke.
10. INT. WILD WEASEL – CONTINUOUS
The pilot, MAD, is the guy you want on your side in a bar fight. The Kentuckian is 31 the hard way. In the rear cockpit, is STRAWMAN. The Don Knottsion is 26.
11. EXT. UDORN AIR FORCE BASE – MOMENTS LATER
The F-105 touches down. catches fire. Mad and Strawman escape moments before it EXPLODES.
The Cessna passes on a nearby taxiway.
12. INT. BIRDDOG 02
Maggie cautiously rises from under the instrument panel. Prof slams to a stop. A large chunk of debris SMASHES onto the taxiway a few feet ahead. He taxis around it.
As he passes buy a hitchhiking Mad and Strawman they flip him off. She asks if this is normal. Prof says “No I normally pick up hitchhikers, but those guys look shady.”
13. EXT. UDORN AIR BASE – OFFICERS CLUB
Maggie and the main characters meet and provide exposition about the Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and insufficient training.
A shit faced Connally bumps into Maggie and makes a crude proposal.
We discover Maggie is heading implementing a new, top secret weapon system.
Connelly is at the bar buying a beer when he overhears Strawman tell her there’s one thing a pilot never does before a sortie. He never talks about what he’s going to do after the mission.
A group photo is taken, photobombed by Connelly.
14. INT. CLASSROOM
Once again his own worst enemy Connally thinks he’s too cool for GIB school. His arrogance smacked when Prof and Maggie conspire to teach him a lesson while he’s in the flight simulator. The class gets a laugh but Connelly decides Prof is public enemy number one.
15. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
Spiker sits in the back seat of an F-4. The pilot up front is TILDEN, a colonel who got the seat through politics rather than merit. Being inept, he uses too much thrust taxying out of the revetment blowing over a large fire extinguisher sending it blasting down the flight line narrowly missing a trailer stacked with bombs.
16, EXT. OFFICER’S QUARTERS – EVENING
Spiker begs Prof to pull strings so he won’t have to fly with TILDEN who is “more dangerous than the fuckin’ enemy”. Prof ignores Spiker’s plies.
17. INT. PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
The first mission. Connally is livid that he’ll be flying with Prof. When he runs his mouth Prof gives him a dressing down that shakes Connally.
In the briefing we find out that the President has decided on a massive escalation of the air war.
18. INT./EXT. SABER FLIGHT – AIRBORNE – DAY
Early in the mission Colonel Tilden causes a midair with another F-4 decapitating himself and Spiker. Butch ejects but his parachute fails. Connally makes eye contact with him as he falls to his death.
A big air to air action scene. At one point we’re sure Prof and Connally are blown apart by a surface to air missile. They break out of the clouds like a phoenix.
19. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – AFTERNOON
After the mission Connally is trembling so bad he can’t unbuckle his harness. He pushes away a crew chief who tries to help.
20. EXT. A VACANT REVETMENT – THAT EVENING
Connally sits alone surrounded by a dozen empty beer cans. He makes a disdainful poetic toast, shouts that he should have been in the front seat, not some fucking ham fisted tourist. He finally cries.
21. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – LATER
Connally staggering drunk decks a superior officer in front of Prof, Maggie and the others. Mad tries to get the officer to let it go but the officer has him arrested.
INT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – MORNING
Prof goes to the CO to ask him to give Connally another chance. The speak “off the clock” Prof expresses his concern over the way the war is being run by Washington. When he becomes overwrought Gillette has to cut him off.
22. EXT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – LATER
Maggie runs into Prof as he exits the Colonel’s office. She tells him that she thinks Connally is going to be okay.
23. EXT. UDORN MILITARY POLICE STATION – MORNING
Connally exits. Prof is waiting to give him a ride.
24. INT. OFFICER’S DINER
The base radio plays in the BG. Connally thinks this is his ‘last breakfast’ before he’s sent home to be dishonorably discharged. But the charges were dropped.
They have a bonding conversation.
STATIC blares from the radio. A DEEP BOOM rattles the dishes.
25. EXT. OFFICER’S DINER – CONTINUOUS
When they go outside, black smoke rises over rooftops. An F-4 has crashed into the radio station.
26. EXT. AIRBORNE – DUSK
Prof and Connally fly a test mission for the Combat Tree. They face a real life worst case scenario he screwed up back in the simulator.
They become to first to use the Tree to shoot down a Mig, but the fuel system is damaged. Calculations say there’s insufficient fuel to make it back. With a tail wind and cleaver airmanship they barely make it home through a vicious storm.
27. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – NIGHT
A big celebration over the Mig kill. Prof now has two. And Connally got his first. They play “dead bug”. Connally loses and has to buy the bar a round.
He bumps into Maggie. This time things go much better, but she still gets the best of him. On the mission she’d heard him shout ‘Chance’ several times over a hot mic. Because of her, he is given the call sign CHANCE.
28. INT. PROF AND MAD’S HOOCH – NIGHT
By way of making him look foolish Chance is welcomed into the cadre. Prof gives him a copy to the DICTA BOELCKE, a rare handbook from WWI that dictates the rules of air to air combat.
29. INT. INTEL OFFICE – DAY
Connally surprises Maggie when shows up at her desk to personally deliver a mission report.
30. EXT. ORCHID FARM – DAY
Connally borrows Prof’s car to take Maggie on a date to an orchid farm. They witness a young local girl gravely injured in a hit and run by jeep full of drunk airman.
31. INT./EXT. CITROEN – DAY
They are forced to crash the base gate to get the girl to the hospital in time. MP give chase.
32. INT. UDORN HOSPITAL – DAY
The nurse insists the facility is for Air Force personnel only. A doctor enters to see what all the arguing is about. He escorts them into the emergency room. The MPs barge into the waiting room just missing them.
33. INT./EXT. A DIM ROOM – NIGHT
Connally and Maggie make love under silk sheets. It turns out they’re in an equipment shed just of the end of the runway. The silk sheet is a parachute.
34. EXT. NEAR THE BORDER OF NORTH VIETNAM – DAY
Prof and Connally are on a reconnaissance flight when they’re directed to assist in a rescue of a downed F-4 crew. The downed pilots turn out to be Ramrod and Duff. Duff has been killed by the enemy trying to escape. Ramrod is on top of a hill with an enemy convoy closing on a cliffside road.
Out of ordinance Prof asks Connally if he has any suggestions.
35. EXT. TRUCK CONVOY – DAY
The jet flies inches over the trucks using it’s afterburners to toss the trucks down the cliff. The very thing that got Connally demoted.
36. EXT. JOLLY ONE – DAY
As Ramrod is winched up, bullets rack the doorway killing the winch operator. A Rocket Propelled Grenade hits the chopper it crashes killing everyone including Ramrod.
37. EXT. SABER ONE
The F-4 soars above the towering ephemeral monument of coal black smoke billowing from the jungle below.
38. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
A police jeep pulls up to Prof. He’s suspected of crashing the gate and evading the police.
I got to page 77 of 125 before I ran out of time, I’ll post the rest ASAP
Starting from the end flag the beats that need help.
In beat 13. I decided to introduced Maggie and Connally to establish they’re arc earlier in the story.
I switched beats 30 and 33 because I had the love scene before the first date scene.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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DAY 3
Subject: Greg’s Story Beats.
What I learned – Creating a beat sheet allowed me to identify scenes that would better serve the story by modifying them, moving them or loosing them.
BEAT SHEET FOR THE LAST DOGFIGHT
1. Opening montage grainy B&W film of WWI pilots. A dogfight. A plane is shot down. A funeral and 21 gun salute, fade to…
2. TEXT OVER BLACK: “If any question why we died. Tell them because our fathers lied.” RUDYARD KIPLING 1918.
3. SILENCE EXPLODES into an APOCALYPTIC ROAR. Two Air Force F-4 Phantoms are tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
4. INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
In the front seat lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY 22. In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, also 22.
Connally nearly crashes while showing off. Flying very low the jet’s afterburners blow torch a semi hauling crates of chickens, sending it sliding into oncoming lanes, causing a huge pile up.
5. INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally is demoted and loses his pilot status. He’s assigned to be a backseater in Vietnam.
6. EXT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – AIRBORNE – DAY
A small Grey Cessna flies through scattered clouds.
7. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – CONTINUOUS
Wearing remarkably unflattering military issue glasses, MAGGIE, 22, stares at the monotonous jungle scrolling below. At the controls of the plane is Prof. The top pilot of the 432nd fighter wing.
8. INT. UDORN CONTROL TOWER – CONTINUOUS
SIRENS HOWL, ENGINES ROAR. Crash and rescue trucks rush below.
9. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO
The control tower tells them to look out for an F-105 inbound with an emergency. The jet thunders past leaving a trail of black smoke.
10. INT. WILD WEASEL – CONTINUOUS
The pilot, MAD, is the guy you want on your side in a bar fight. The Kentuckian is 31 the hard way. In the rear cockpit, is STRAWMAN. The Don Knottsion is 26.
11. EXT. UDORN AIR FORCE BASE – MOMENTS LATER
The F-105 touches down. catches fire. Mad and Strawman escape moments before it EXPLODES.
The Cessna passes on a nearby taxiway.
12. INT. BIRDDOG 02
Maggie cautiously rises from under the instrument panel. Prof slams to a stop. A large chunk of debris SMASHES onto the taxiway a few feet ahead. He taxis around it.
As he passes buy a hitchhiking Mad and Strawman they flip him off. She asks if this is normal. Prof says “No I normally pick up hitchhikers, but those guys look shady.”
13. EXT. UDORN AIR BASE – OFFICERS CLUB
Maggie and the main characters meet and provide exposition about the Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and insufficient training.
A shit faced Connally bumps into Maggie and makes a crude proposal.
We discover Maggie is heading implementing a new, top secret weapon system.
Connelly is at the bar buying a beer when he overhears Strawman tell her there’s one thing a pilot never does before a sortie. He never talks about what he’s going to do after the mission.
A group photo is taken, photobombed by Connelly.
14. INT. CLASSROOM
Once again his own worst enemy Connally thinks he’s too cool for GIB school. His arrogance smacked when Prof and Maggie conspire to teach him a lesson while he’s in the flight simulator. The class gets a laugh but Connelly decides Prof is public enemy number one.
15. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
Spiker sits in the back seat of an F-4. The pilot up front is TILDEN, a colonel who got the seat through politics rather than merit. Being inept, he uses too much thrust taxying out of the revetment blowing over a large fire extinguisher sending it blasting down the flight line narrowly missing a trailer stacked with bombs.
16, EXT. OFFICER’S QUARTERS – EVENING
Spiker begs Prof to pull strings so he won’t have to fly with TILDEN who is “more dangerous than the fuckin’ enemy”. Prof ignores Spiker’s plies.
17. INT. PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
The first mission. Connally is livid that he’ll be flying with Prof. When he runs his mouth Prof gives him a dressing down that shakes Connally.
In the briefing we find out that the President has decided on a massive escalation of the air war.
18. INT./EXT. SABER FLIGHT – AIRBORNE – DAY
Early in the mission Colonel Tilden causes a midair with another F-4 decapitating himself and Spiker. Butch ejects but his parachute fails. Connally makes eye contact with him as he falls to his death.
A big air to air action scene. At one point we’re sure Prof and Connally are blown apart by a surface to air missile. They break out of the clouds like a phoenix.
19. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – AFTERNOON
After the mission Connally is trembling so bad he can’t unbuckle his harness. He pushes away a crew chief who tries to help.
20. EXT. A VACANT REVETMENT – THAT EVENING
Connally sits alone surrounded by a dozen empty beer cans. He makes a disdainful poetic toast, shouts that he should have been in the front seat, not some fucking ham fisted tourist. He finally cries.
21. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – LATER
Connally staggering drunk decks a superior officer in front of Prof, Maggie and the others. Mad tries to get the officer to let it go but the officer has him arrested.
INT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – MORNING
Prof goes to the CO to ask him to give Connally another chance. The speak “off the clock” Prof expresses his concern over the way the war is being run by Washington. When he becomes overwrought Gillette has to cut him off.
22. EXT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – LATER
Maggie runs into Prof as he exits the Colonel’s office. She tells him that she thinks Connally is going to be okay.
23. EXT. UDORN MILITARY POLICE STATION – MORNING
Connally exits. Prof is waiting to give him a ride.
24. INT. OFFICER’S DINER
The base radio plays in the BG. Connally thinks this is his ‘last breakfast’ before he’s sent home to be dishonorably discharged. But the charges were dropped.
They have a bonding conversation.
STATIC blares from the radio. A DEEP BOOM rattles the dishes.
25. EXT. OFFICER’S DINER – CONTINUOUS
When they go outside, black smoke rises over rooftops. An F-4 has crashed into the radio station.
26. EXT. AIRBORNE – DUSK
Prof and Connally fly a test mission for the Combat Tree. They face a real life worst case scenario he screwed up back in the simulator.
They become to first to use the Tree to shoot down a Mig, but the fuel system is damaged. Calculations say there’s insufficient fuel to make it back. With a tail wind and cleaver airmanship they barely make it home through a vicious storm.
27. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – NIGHT
A big celebration over the Mig kill. Prof now has two. And Connally got his first. They play “dead bug”. Connally loses and has to buy the bar a round.
He bumps into Maggie. This time things go much better, but she still gets the best of him. On the mission she’d heard him shout ‘Chance’ several times over a hot mic. Because of her, he is given the call sign CHANCE.
28. INT. PROF AND MAD’S HOOCH – NIGHT
By way of making him look foolish Chance is welcomed into the cadre. Prof gives him a copy to the DICTA BOELCKE, a rare handbook from WWI that dictates the rules of air to air combat.
29. INT. INTEL OFFICE – DAY
Connally surprises Maggie when shows up at her desk to personally deliver a mission report.
30. EXT. ORCHID FARM – DAY
Connally borrows Prof’s car to take Maggie on a date to an orchid farm. They witness a young local girl gravely injured in a hit and run by jeep full of drunk airman.
31. INT./EXT. CITROEN – DAY
They are forced to crash the base gate to get the girl to the hospital in time. MP give chase.
32. INT. UDORN HOSPITAL – DAY
The nurse insists the facility is for Air Force personnel only. A doctor enters to see what all the arguing is about. He escorts them into the emergency room. The MPs barge into the waiting room just missing them.
33. INT./EXT. A DIM ROOM – NIGHT
Connally and Maggie make love under silk sheets. It turns out they’re in an equipment shed just of the end of the runway. The silk sheet is a parachute.
34. EXT. NEAR THE BORDER OF NORTH VIETNAM – DAY
Prof and Connally are on a reconnaissance flight when they’re directed to assist in a rescue of a downed F-4 crew. The downed pilots turn out to be Ramrod and Duff. Duff has been killed by the enemy trying to escape. Ramrod is on top of a hill with an enemy convoy closing on a cliffside road.
Out of ordinance Prof asks Connally if he has any suggestions.
35. EXT. TRUCK CONVOY – DAY
The jet flies inches over the trucks using it’s afterburners to toss the trucks down the cliff. The very thing that got Connally demoted.
36. EXT. JOLLY ONE – DAY
As Ramrod is winched up, bullets rack the doorway killing the winch operator. A Rocket Propelled Grenade hits the chopper it crashes killing everyone including Ramrod.
37. EXT. SABER ONE
The F-4 soars above the towering ephemeral monument of coal black smoke billowing from the jungle below.
38. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
A police jeep pulls up to Prof. He’s suspected of crashing the gate and evading the police.
Page 77 of 125. Ran out of time, I’ll post the rest ASAP
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What I learned about Clichà busting is that it’s a fun/embarrassing way to critique my writing. I laughed, I cringed, I wrote better scenes.
What I learned about structure is that the structure is built on top of the core of the story. No matter how great the story, without a strong structure it’s impossible to write a script producers will want to read.
THE LAST DOGFIGHT
Main Conflict: A demoted Fighter Pilot struggles to earn back his wings and the respect of his peers.
1. Opening
Connelly’s showboating in his F-4 fighter during flight training nearly kills dozens of civilians.
2. Inciting Incident:
Connelly is stripped of his pilot status and shipped to Vietnam to be a back-seater in the F-4.
3. By page 10 we know what the movie is about:
Connelly is bitter and wants his wings back.
4. First turning point at the end of act one:
After Connelly’s best friend and former back-seater is killed he gets drunk and decks a superior officer.
He’s jailed facing a dishonorable discharge.
5.. Midpoint:
Given another chance he and his front-seater, Prof, shoot down a Mig.
At the officers club he meets Maggie and they become involved. Things are finally looking up.
6. Second turning point at end of act 2:
While Connelly and Maggie are on a date at an orchid farm, a little girl is hit by a jeep of drunk airman.
7. Crises.
He is arrested again, this time for crashing a car through the base gate rushing the injured girl the the hospital.
Stripped of all flying duties he is put on a desk job. He cuts ties with everyone.
Maggie discovers she’s pregnant.
Maggie explains things to the Base Commander and Connelly is returned to flying. Not knowing she’s the reason he avoids her attempts to reconnect.
7. Climax.
Chance and Prof are shot down and presumed killed in action.
Maggie believes she has evidence that Connally may have survived but is unable to convince the bureaucracy to do another search.
She breaks down at the officers club. Out of sympathy and to get her off his back Prof’s best friend, Mad, makes one last flyover of the area.
Resolution:
Mad hears Connally’s faint voice over the emergency radio. A massive rescue is launched and he’s brought back to the arms of Maggie.
45 years later Prof’s remains are brought home. All the characters attend the funeral including Connally, Maggie and their grown daughter, an Air Force officer with wings.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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I’d like to request Nathaniel Graves (Neil) as my feedback partner.
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What I learned is this task (if I did it right) is that it requires succinctly defining major turning points.
Logline: Based on real events this gritty account follows a fighter pilot in Vietnam struggling to survive bureaucracy, flawed weapons, a deadly enemy and inner demons that just might be the worst of all.
Title: The Last Dogfight.
Genre: Action, Drama.
A fledgling fighter pilot’s reckless hubris demotes him from pilot to the backseat of the F-4 Phantom. He’s sent to a fighter wing in Thailand. His bitter arrogance alienates him from the pilots. Only his former backseater Butch tolerates his rants. He’s assigned to sit behind the top pilot, callsign Prof. On their first mission an avoidable midair of two Phantoms kills Butch and three other pilots. Subconsciously he blames himself for not being in the front seat but outside he blames anyone with a higher rank all the way up to the President. While morning his friend he gets drunk and decks an officer. While in the brig awaiting dishonorable discharge. Prof visits the C.O. and convinces the Colonel to give him a last chance. But his shitty attitude remains making Prof wonder if he’s made a mistake. On a night mission they shoot down a Mig. Jubilation is cut short when a fuel leak makes it unlikely they’ll make it back. They just make it home. The officers club celebrates and he’s anointed the callsign Chance. During the party he bumps into an intelligence officer named Rita. The two become involved. He again finds himself in the brig after crashing Prof’s car through the base gate. After two close friends are killed Prof begins to question the validity of the war. His best friend and roommate, a gung ho Wild Weasel Pilot, callsign Mad, does his best to bring him back to the fold. This time Rita comes to Chance’s defense explaining that they crashed the gate rushing to save a local child who was hit by a jeep full of drunk airman. The largest air campaign of the war is ordered. The sparse flight line is now overflowing with aircraft and personal. Rita doesn’t have time to ponder why Chance has blown her off. But when she discovers she’s pregnant things get complicated. During the big mission they’re shot down and presumed dead. Refusing to believe Chance is dead Rita goes weeks without sleep to find evidence he’s alive. To get her off his back, Mad flies over the crash site one last time and hears Chance’s faint voice over the emergency frequency. An unprecedented rescue mission is launched. He’s saved. 45 years later the remains of a missing fighter pilot are brought home. All the characters are in attendance of Prof’s funeral.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga. Reason: Rewrite Logline
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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1. Name. Greg
2. I’ve got more than a dozen partly completed scripts and five ready for professional rewrites.
3. What I hope to get out of the class is to sell my scripts for million$.
4. I’m a former forest fire fighter, airline pilot and actor. I’ve taken classes and performed at the Groundlings Improv theatre. I’m a composer/singer/songwriter/drummer. My toys include vintage cars, dirtbikes and a Shifter Kart. I’m currently remodeling my house in the high desert (myself). I’m a survivor of clinical depression and rescue/ foster/ find homes for abandoned cats and kittens.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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Greg Kamaga.
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi Neil.
Would you like to partner up for the course?
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Thanks David. I just rewrote the logline. Bummer your taken. Regardless, any comments are welcome.
Greg