[hilton Garrett]

Patrick, correction, my email is hiltonga@gmail.com
Hilton

[hilton Garrett]

Patrick, I’ll exchange with you if you like. My email is hcg@gmail.com.
Mine is a drama set in the South in 1978.
Hilton Garrett

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett – Big Picture Components

What I Learned – How to look at the puzzle pieces and begin to see the structure

SERIES INFO

World: South Georgia in the 1950’s and 1970’s, full of charm and intrigue side by side with lust and greed-driven political ambition. Below the genteel surface of sweet tea and moss-draped live oaks we find an underbelly of entrenched societal structures formed during the time of slavery and hardened during Reconstruction. These structures have no expiration date.

Main Mystery: How does Will’s family tragedy play a role in the corrupt underbelly of this town?

Impossible Goal: Uncover all of the players, their roles and their motivations that led to the murders and eventual control of the town by the mafia.

Main Conflict: After 20 years, Will has become an outsider in his hometown. In order to investigate and expose the hidden truth of his family’s tragedy, and those who benefited from the crime, he must befriend and charm those who still live there.

Second mystery: Is the sheriff in on it?

Season 1 Arc: From a man dealing with the ordinary problems of a failing marriage and a fading career to a full-on acceptance of the murder and a single-minded pursuit of the truth about how it happened.

Season 1 Protagonist internal journey: From living in an artificial world of comfortable pretense based on a mistaken belief, to waking up into the hostility and danger of reality.

PILOT INFO

Pilot Conflict: Will’s marriage to Becca; Will’s animosity toward Vinnie and the new owners; Will’s re-entry into Ashton and Elam County; Will’s initial resistance to Martaan’s revelation

Main Characters Introduced: Will, Becca, Martaan, Rountree, Santorro and Mary-Grace

Inciting Incident of Season 1: Martaan appears with news that the deaths were not an accident but murder.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, TV Pitch Bible Investigation

What I learned – to look beneath the surface of the story for the elements that led it to be the way it is.

(I don’t know yet which of these will be used in the pitch bible and which in the episodes, but I will draw from them as we go forward.)

What’s Underneath That?

Will –

As a result of his childhood loss Will suffers from not just his guilt at not saving his mother, but also the deep anger he conceals. His anger grew out of the grossly unjust act of his parents dying, and is triggered by Becca’s insistence on having a baby, and her increasing unhappiness over Will’s aversion.

Even though she gives lip service to his hurt, Becca is unwilling to actually embrace Will’s point of view, to see it the way he sees it, which means she cannot fully understand Will’s reluctance. She knows he’s hurting, but after six years of marriage she focuses instead on her single-minded obsession to have a baby. This drives Will further into his pain and anger. The standoff drives them further apart.

Becca –

What’s underneath Becca’s actions? She is manipulative and smart. She knows how to seduce. She uses her physical appearance and sexy charm to keep Will teetering on the edge of saying yes to the baby and bolting from the marriage, neither of which he wants to do. He just wants things to stay the same. Becca wants the baby. Does she really love Will, or is he becoming solely a means to her end? Do her need and Will’s reluctance justify Becca’s extramarital affair?

Extrapolate –

If Santorro is from New Jersey and Vinnie is from New Jersey and the new owners of the paper are from New Jersey, then Vinnie, who came on board at the paper soon after the sale was done, and the new owners of the paper must somehow be connected to the mob. What is his connection? Who is behind the curtain?

If Becca cheats on Will because she is fed up, then gets pregnant, will she tell Will who the father is? Will she even know? Will her pregnancy finally kill the marriage, regardless of who is the father?

If Santorro has an iron grip on Rountree, then who controls the sheriff?

If the sheriff belongs to Rountree, then can Rountree use him against Santorro? Or is the sheriff afraid of Santorro’s organization?

Wonder –

What if Will catches Vinnie in conversation with one of Santorro’s men?

What if Santorro’s men kidnap Mary-Grace?

What if Becca goes down to Ashton?

What if Santorro’s men kidnap Becca?

What if Millie knew all along that the accident was not an accident?

What if Mrs. Kennedy becomes a bad-ass accomplice of Will?

What if Martaan decides to kill Santorro and eliminate him as a middle man?

What if Martaan kills Santorro? What does Will do then?

Backtrack –

How could Santorro have become boss?

How could Martaan have become connected to the wreck?

Forecast –

Mary-Grace’s newspaper office burns down.

Martaan makes a deal with Santorro that leaves Will out in the cold.

The sheriff locks Will up on some kind of scurrilous charge.

Santorro’s men attack Will in the jail.

A New Jersey rival gang comes to Ashton to kill Santorro.

__________________________________________

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  hilton Garrett. Reason: clarification

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Show Summary

What I learned – The importance of framing the story – and a little more about writing to touch a feeling in the reader. And that that skill still needs work.

Summary

Two children, one white and one black, who witnessed deadly family tragedies in South Georgia in the 1950’s return to the scene of the crime 20 years later to uncover the long-buried truth and exact retribution on the guilty.

A white journalist who has never gotten over his guilt of not saving his mother from drowning when the family car plunged off a bridge is driven to learn the truth, and perhaps finally start living his own life.

It’s 1974 in Atlanta, Georgia. Well-known investigative reporter Will Calhoun has a life filled with problems. He got passed over at work. The nightmare images of his mother’s death when Will was twelve years old have come back stronger than before. He can’t sleep. He needs help but his wife Becca wife is fed up with his refusal to become a father, and is now talking divorce. And she may be cheating.

With a near super-human effort he channels this swirling mayhem into his work, so that on the surface he looks like a successful prize-winning reporter tirelessly working to expose corruption, particularly in Georgia politics. His favorite target is Byron Rountree, long-time state senator and the owner of the bank in Will’s small South Georgia hometown, the bank that took Will’s family home.

Will never hesitates to follow a story, every story, down to the bedrock. But the one story he never pursued at all is the one about the wreck that killed his mother and father. He had always considered it to be an accident which required no further inquiry.

Then one day Martaan, a mysterious man from the Islands, sends a cryptic note that throws Will’s life into a tailspin. They meet and Martaan explains.

It was murder.

Angry and incredulous at first, Will threatens Martaan, but nevertheless can no longer pretend his mother’s death was simply an unfortunate accident. Now he must confront this most painful of stories. Was his mother really murdered? Who would want to kill his mother? Why would do they that? Why is his parents’ death such a touchy topic 20 years later? Questions rise up like a covey of flushed quail.

For the first time since his parents died Will makes the drive from Atlanta to his childhood home of Elam County in rural South Georgia, the scene of the crash, and also Rountree’s home base. While investigating Rountree’s background now that he is a candidate for governor, Will not only dredges up obscure fragments of Rountree’s early dealings, he also unearths long-held secrets of the county he left behind as a boy. The kind of secrets not talked about much by the folks in the county. Secrets that seem to support Martaan’s assertion. But is all this coincidence? Or is there a connection?

As he digs deeper he threatens to expose a conspiracy between Rountree and a New Jersey crime family which, under Rountree’s political cover, seems to be expanding its drug operation into the fertile grounds of Atlanta and South Georgia. So many noses to fill.

This story, more than any he’s covered before, unleashes powerful forces that want him silenced.

Can he survive the investigation long enough to learn the real truth?

And can he trust Martaan?

______________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Episode List Rough Draft

What I learned – That this is a really good way to build the episodes for a season

Episode 1 – Broken Shell

Will is jolted out of his comfortable malaise when he learns new information about his parents’ death

• Will finds Howard Goldstein murdered in his office

• Will takes photos of the trucks and fights the thugs

• Will fights Vinnie over deadlines

• Becca has had enough, tells Will she wants a divorce

• Will is assigned to cover Rountree’s campaign

• Rountree announces his candidacy at Warm Springs, Roosevelt’s little White House

• Will meets Mary-Grace

• Will discovers Rountree – Santorro connection

• Will discovers Rountree’s obsession with the occult; meets Madame Tiffany

• Martaan appears with mysterious information

Episode 2 – Leftover Dreams

Will returns to Ashton after twenty years

• Will goes to Ashton

• Will returns to his childhood family home and learns that Santorro now owns it

• Will goes to his parents’ graves and finds fresh red roses on his mother’s headstone

• Will meets Millie

• The sheriff suspects a fireball on the bridge

• Mary-Grace tries to help Will overcome his guilt

• Martaan shows Will the tree where his father was lynched

• Will and Martaan fight at the bridge

• A white man comes on the scene, intercedes and holds Martaan at gunpoint as Episode ends

Episode 3 – Who do you trust?

Will learns more about Rountree’s past

• Will learns that Santorro rescued Rountree’s bank twenty plus years ago

• Rountree is stopped for speeding by a county deputy and released with an apology

• Rountree and Santorro meet and discuss Will’s interference in their plans

• Santorro wants to eliminate Will; Rountree wants to wait until after the election

• Will becomes friends with Millie who holds an old and important secret

• Tension between Rountree and Santorro escalates

Episode 4 – A Cold Dish

Martaan exacts revenge

• Rountree rekindles an old relationship with a former KKK leader

• The former KKK leader mobilizes a small armed group as Rountree’s defense against Santorro

• Martaan recognizes one of the KKK men as part of his father’s lynching party

• Martaan sets a trap and captures the man

• Martaan takes the man to the same tree his father died on and lynches him

• The sheriff pulls up as Martaan is about to leave the scene

Episode 5 – Who’s the Boss?

Rountree chafes under Santorro’s expansion into Georgia

• Santorro becomes more assertive as he takes more control of events

• Rountree exhorts the sheriff to find the killer of the KKK man

• Rountree meets with the leader of his KKK army and sets out an agenda

• Will uncovers more shady dealings in Rountree’s past

• Will learns that Martaan is a major cocaine distributor

• Will learns that Martaan has been supplying cocaine to Santorro

Episode 6 – In Bed with a Killer

A full-on partnership with Martaan seems to be the only way to find the truth of how his parents died

• The tension between Will and Martaan reaches the breaking point

• They argue and fight and reconcile and agree to work together

• Will and Martaan break into the bank and find the records of Santorro’s dealings

• The bank manager discovers the break-in and notifies Rountree

• Rountree turns Santorro loose to do as he pleases with Will

Episode 7 – New Jersey Cats

Santorro’s men have a mission – kill Will

• Mary-Grace offers to help Will evade the killers

• Martaan becomes Will’s eyes and ears

• Will learns the secret Millie has held all these years

• Santorro’s men attack Will on a lonely country road

• Martaan has followed them and kills them both

• Santorro orders reinforcements from New Jersey

Episode 8 – Traffic at the River

Will sets a trap for Rountree

• Rountree makes a campaign speech in Ashton

• Will confronts him with news from Millie’s revelation

• Will enlists Millie’s help in setting the trap for Rountree

• Will and Mary-Grace and Martaan coax a confession out of Rountree

• Santorro’s men capture Mary-Grace

• Will knows a way in to rescue Mary-Grace

• Santorro’s men corner Will as the season ends

______________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Five Seasons

What I learned – to see how the entire series can grow out of the initial inciting event

Season 1 – That Day at the Bridge

High Concept – Who killed Will’s parents?

Big Picture Arc – Will goes from beat-down reporter to fighting for his life

Main Conflict – Will is assigned to cover Rountree’s campaign for governor. When he goes to Rountree’s hometown for background he finds evidence of Rountree’s past deeds and what appears to be a direct connection to Santorro. He also uncovers evidence of Rountree’s connection to the death of Will’s parents.

Mystery/open loop – who is the killer? What is Rountree’s connection to Santorro? What is Martaan’s connection to the death of Will’s parents?

Cliffhanger – Bruce and Mary-Grace get captured

Season 2 – Will Makes a Move

High Concept – Will throws in with Martaan, exposing them both to the F.B.I.

Big Picture Arc – Needing proof of Santorro’s connection to the bank, Will and Martaan break into the bank at night and Martaan opens the vault and they find the record of Santorro’s deposits in the bank, going all the way back to that fateful day when Santorro rescued the bank and saved it from going under.

Main Conflict – Rountree realizes Will is after more than mundane campaign material and sets a trap to eliminate Will’s continued push to get behind the curtain.

Mystery/Open Loop – How far does the corruption reach?

Cliffhanger – The head bookkeeper at the bank realizes the accounts book has been tampered with, notifies Rountree who tells Santorro. Santorro sends his men to kill Will.

Season 3 – New Enemies

High Concept – Will is hunted by Santorro’s men and must somehow find a way to stay alive while still gathering evidence.

Big Picture Arc – As will and Martaan dig deeper into the conspiracy, they uncover a shocking alliance between corrupt officials and criminal organizations. After initially resisting Santorro’s move into Georgia, Rountree decides to get in deeper with Santorro which leads to unexpected twists and betrayals.

Main Conflict – Will is pursued relentlessly by the deadly assassins tasked with protecting the conspiracy’s secrets. He goes into hiding under the protection of Mary-Grace who is also seeking the truth about Rountree, even though she can’t publish it in her paper. Unable to show his face in public Will relies on Martaan to dig up new evidence which exposes Martaan to danger. Together they become entangled in a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse, testing their alliances and pushing their limits to survive.

Mystery/open loop – A key piece of evidence leads Will and Martaan to the distribution center where Santorro breaks down and repackages the cocaine he imports, unknowingly from Martaan. They encounter a survivor who may hold the key to exposing the entire operation, but before they can extract vital information, they are discovered and forced to flee, leaving the survivor behind.

Cliffhanger – In the season finale, Will and Martaan are cornered by the assassins, and a tense standoff ensues. Just as it seems they have no way out, a mysterious figure emerges from the shadows, creating a distraction and allowing them to escape. The season ends with the identity of the mysterious figure unknown, leaving the fate of Will and Martaan uncertain, and setting the stage for a thrilling showdown in the next season.

Season 4 – Who is the Cat?

High Concept – Will and Martaan go off the grid, operating covertly as fugitives while they dig deeper into the conspiracy’s darkest secrets, risking everything to bring the truth to light and dismantle the corrupt network.

Big Picture Arc – The investigation takes them to the heart of the conspiracy, uncovering a sinister plan that reaches the highest echelons of power. They must navigate a world of deception and danger, with allies becoming enemies and enemies becoming allies.

Main Conflict – They are pursued not only by the covert group but also by a powerful enemy within the government who wants to keep the conspiracy buried. They must stay one step ahead while facing personal sacrifices and betrayal that threaten to tear apart their partnership.

Mystery/Open Loop – They discover a hidden location where the conspiracy’s leaders meet in secret. They witness a chilling demonstration of the conspiracy’s power and are shocked to find someone close to them among the attendees. However, before they can confront this individual, they are discovered, and a fierce battle ensues, leaving their fate uncertain.

Cliffhanger – In the intense season finale, Will and Martaan are captured by the covert group and brought face to face with the conspiracy’s mastermind. The mastermind reveals a shocking truth about their ultimate objective, leaving Will and Martaan shaken to their core. Just as it seems like all hope is lost, an unexpected ally emerges, initiating a daring rescue mission, setting the stage for an epic confrontation in the upcoming season.

Season 5 – All In

High Concept: In the climactic final season, Will and Martaan’s relentless pursuit of the truth leads to a high-stakes showdown with the conspiracy’s mastermind, culminating in a battle for justice and redemption that will change their lives forever.

Big Picture Arc: As Will and Martaan close in on the conspiracy’s mastermind, they face a web of lies and betrayal that threaten to destroy everything they hold dear. Their personal and professional lives collide as they uncover shocking secrets that challenge their beliefs and loyalties.

Main Conflict of Season 5: Will and Martaan’s final confrontation with the conspiracy’s mastermind becomes a race against time to prevent a catastrophic event that could plunge the nation into chaos. Their unwavering determination is put to the ultimate test as they grapple with the consequences of their pursuit of truth.

Main Open Loop: Will and Martaan discover a hidden facility where the conspiracy’s mastermind plans to unleash a devastating attack. The facility is heavily guarded, and they must navigate a treacherous maze of traps and obstacles to gain access. Along the way, they encounter unexpected allies who offer crucial assistance in their mission.

Cliffhanger to End the Series: In the emotionally charged series finale, Will and Martaan finally confront the conspiracy’s mastermind in a gripping showdown. The truth behind the conspiracy is exposed, and the nation watches as justice is served. However, during the chaos, Will is gravely injured, and Martaan is forced to make a heartbreaking decision. As the dust settles, Will’s fate remains uncertain, and Martaan is left to grapple with the consequences of their epic battle. The series ends with a poignant and bittersweet moment of reflection, as Martaan stands at a crossroads, ready to face a new chapter in a world forever changed by the Uncovered Truths.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Character Descriptions

What I learned – to look at each character in a more detailed way and to see how the characters’ stories and arcs intertwine

Will Calhoun – protagonist

Role: In 1974 in Atlanta, Georgia, a dogged investigative reporter is disillusioned with his career and failing marriage. He is at a low point when he gets an innocuous tip about a recently-chartered waste management company and a shipment of used trucks that will prove life-changing..

Noteworthy traits: an uncanny ability to uncover the hidden links in a story that no one else sees, he is willful and confrontational at work, but guarded at home.

Intriguing history: he has never “outgrown” the guilt and shame for not having saved his mother from drowning in a car accident when he was 12. He served one tour of duty in Viet Nam and couldn’t get out of the army fast enough.

Mystery: Why the deep-seated suspicion of Rountree?

Intrigue: How will the FBI deal with him when they determine he is an impediment to their undercover operation?

Drive conflict: He wants to save his marriage but won’t agree with Becca that they have a baby. He craves respect and won a Pulitzer for investigative journalism when he was in his 20’s by exposing a criminal link in the military supply chain in Vietnam, which he published as soon as he got out of the army. It’s been trending down for Will ever since.

Intriguing relationships: Rountree, Mafia boss, FBI, Maartan

Start: A once lauded but now dogged investigative reporter on the staff of a leading newspaper in Atlanta gets a tip about a recently chartered waste management company and a suspicious shipment of used trucks from a company in New Jersey thought to be controlled by the mafia.

Middle: he has an uncanny ability to uncover secret links in a story and suspects mob ties to the man running for governor which may lead back to his family’s tragedy 20 years prior.

End: he gets seemingly in over his head with his new boss, the FBI, and Rountree while teaming up with a cocaine exporter and admitted murderer on an investigation that could very well kill them both.

Draft Version for Will:

A former Pulitzer-winning journalist, now disillusioned with his career and home life, chafes under his new boss, Vinnie, who got the job Will had been promised. Using his uncanny ability to sniff out hidden links to much larger stories, he becomes obsessed with tying the waste management company to a New Jersey mafia group threatening to infiltrate the state of Georgia.

When his relentless digging threatens to interfere with an undercover FBI investigation, they try to silence him, but as a Viet Nam vet with a deep mistrust of the government’s motives, he is not deterred. He will cross any line as he endeavors to expose the man running for governor, Byron Rountree, who Will discovers also has ties to the mob, and may have been responsible for past murders. Despite his solo demeanor, Will teams up with others from his home town who also have personal motives and scores to settle as he moves ever closer to revealing the awful truth.

Candar Martaan – Supporting

Role – A resident of the Turks and Caicos Islands, Martaan comes to Atlanta with a mysterious message for Will. At first Will denies his information but gradually accepts it as true and the two begin to work together. Despite his criminal activities he becomes an indispensable ally of Will as they seek to uncover the truth of the death of Will’s parents, and later as they investigate the connection between the mafia leader moving into Georgia and the leading candidate for governor in the upcoming election.

Noteworthy Traits – Elegant, calm, resourceful, deadly. He controls a mid-sized cocaine enterprise in the islands that sells to major dealers in the U.S.

Intriguing History – He is on the hunt for revenge for the lynching of his father by “unknown persons” two weeks after Will’s parents die. He has already killed the ringleader of the lynching party but wants to know who put him up to it.

Mystery – What is his connection to the events on the bridge that day?

Intrigue – Can Will trust him?

Drives conflict – pushes Will to question his (Will’s) belief that the wreck was an accident

Intriguing Relationships – with Will, with Santorro

Start – He appears out of nowhere with a questionable piece of information which if true completely upends Will’s life

Middle – He gradually convinces Will the information is true and begins to forge a working relationship with Will

End – Having unleashed the dogs of revenge he and Will come to a showdown when they come face to face with the man who wrecked both their lives

Rough Draft for Martaan – With seemingly no connection to the tragic event in Will’s past he inserts himself into the equation and becomes a major part of unravelling the mystery

As the two men forge an uneasy bond Martaan reveals his own connection to the same mafia infiltrating Georgia, causing Will to further doubt Martaan’s trustworthiness.

Byron Rountree – Antagonist

Role – A small town banker who has enjoyed a successful career as a state legislator, Rountree is now running for governor. He has a long record of questionable business dealings but has never been shown to be guilty of a crime. Will has long investigated his activities and published several exposés in the Atlanta newspaper.

Noteworthy Traits – Charismatic, friendly, ruthless, greedy

Intriguing history – Rountree’s bank was about to go under when a chance meeting with a New Jersey crime boss resulted in a large cash infusion which saved his bank and forever tied him to his benefactor

Mystery – what is Rountree’s connection to Will’s family and to Will’s past?

Intrigue – can he navigate the treacherous waters of his mafia “boss” and Will’s relentless investigation? What is his connection to the occult and to a mysterious seer who advises him?

Drives conflict – he chafes under the thumb of Santorro, dodges Will’s inquiries

Intriguing relationships – With Will, with Millie, with Santorro, with Madame Tiffany

Start – He came out of south Georgia and became a leader in the state legislator.

Middle – As he has grown wealthy over the years he wants more political power which he knows translates to money. His ambition is affected by his relationship with Santorro.

End – With both Will and Santorro closing in on him Rountree resorts to desperate measures to retain his power and stay alive.

Rough Draft for Rountree – He is a small town banker who believes he’s ready for the big time. He is running for governor with a good chance of winning. If that’s all he had to worry about. But it’s not. He also has to dodge Will’s investigation and Santorro’s tightening grip. He has an amazing ability to make people like him, until they really know him. But only a few actually do.

As the election draws nearer the vise tightens and Rountree becomes ever more desperate to protect his future and keep his past hidden.

Carlo “the Grip” Santorro – Antagonist

Role – Santorro is a New Jersey crime boss who is expanding his operation into Georgia against the wishes of Rountree who wants him to stay the hell in New Jersey. But Santorro doesn’t take unsolicited advice.

Noteworthy traits – Dapper dresser, visionary, ruthless, deadly

Intriguing history – As a boy lived on a farm in rural New Jersey before moving to the city and hooking up with a local mafia outfit which he now controls.

Mystery – Why did he give Rountree the money initially?

Intrigue – Can he establish his operation in the South? What about the Dixie Mafia?

Drives Conflict – He takes what he wants and does it over the objections of whoever objects, in particular Rountree.

Intriguing Relationships – With Rountree, with Martaan

Start – He showed up one day when he was on the way to Miami and the train he was on broke down in the little town of Ashton, Georgia. With the unexpected delay he and his men got off the train and walked through the town. They stopped at the bank and made a connection with Rountree, whose bank, at that time, was failing. That chance meeting revitalized Rountree’s bank and gave Santorro a toehold in the south.

Middle – He now wants to expand the toehold to become a far reaching empire in the south

End – He pushes Rountree to extreme measures which threaten not only his empire but also his life.

Rough Draft for Santorro – Santorro has been the head of a crime family for many years, and now sees an opportunity to expand his empire. He decides, against Rountree’s wishes, to set up a southern base in Rountree’s (and Will’s) hometown and begins the move. When his entry into Atlanta results in the death of a prominent citizen, Will discovers the body and begins an investigation which conflicts with the F.B.I.’s own investigation. Santorro dispatches two of his thugs to deal with Will but Rountree does not want anything to happen to Will until after the election.

As things begin to take shape for Santorro in the south, Will’s relentless pursuit of the truth exposes Santorro’s connection to Will’s past and threatens to end his venture.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Intriguing Concept and World

What I learned – a deeper awareness of concept and character and the world of the series.

1. Present your concept

A disillusioned journalist seeking the truth about his parents’ death on a lonely road twenty five years ago uncovers a link to a powerful southern politician who is under the thumb of a violent New Jersey organized crime family seeking to expand its operations into Atlanta and Savannah, Georgia.

a. A wounded and disillusioned journalist learns that his parents’ death was not an accident but a murder.

b. He is threatened by unseen forces that will kill to keep the murder a secret.

c. He must, for the first time since his parents died, return to the scene.

d. He must face his deepest fear as he gradually realizes his mistake in calling it an accident, and as he discovers layers of truth and the danger it poses.

2. The world of the series

Unique sub world – small town south Georgia corrupted by big city Mafia and a crooked sheriff

Previously unexplored – Criminal influence on a quiet southern town as big-city organized crime moves into rural Georgia

The unknown – How does a Bible belt county respond to outside criminality?

The unseen – FBI scrutiny

Unheard of dangers – the Mafia kills to keep secrets

Reason to explore it – to see how innocence can be corrupted

[hilton Garrett]

I have completed Module One.

[hilton Garrett]

What I Learned – Irony is not as difficult as I thought at first. There are lots of places where it can be introduced, and it creates subtext.

Hilton Garrett, Creating Irony

Example Show – Breaking Bad

This show is full of irony. Walt’s whole meth thing is pure irony given his prior life. His working with Jesse. His brother-in-law being a DEA agent sitting around the table talking and having no idea what Walt is up to. Hank’s wife being a thief.

My Show

Will

Will, who does not want children, provides money for a destitute mother of a young girl

He works to expose Rountree’s corruption when all the while Rountree is responsible for the death of Will’s mother and Will has no idea.

Against his nature he kills one of Santorro’s men.

Becca

Removes a picture of Will’s mother from their bedroom. (I’m your wife! I’m not dead! I’m alive! You can look at me!!)

Has impromptu sex with the courier when what she really wants is a family with Will

Rountree

Wants to keep his past under wraps but tries to hire Will – keep your enemies closer

Wants to be free of Santorro but every month accepts his money

Martaan

Born into near poverty, now elegant and wealthy

Was complicit in the death of Will’s mother and now wants to help him learn the truth

Mary-Grace

Wants to be part of something big but owns a small-town newspaper

________________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Plot and Character Layers

What I learned – that it is essential to have layers of Intrigue and Reveals, and a little about how to create them and how to pace the reveals

Lesson 10, Part 2, My show

Plot Layers

1. Major scheme revealed – The wreck was not an accident

2. Mystery Revealed – Martaan was at the bridge

3. Major shift in meaning – the wreck goes from an unexamined accident to murder

4. Hidden History – Martaan’s, Rountree’s

5. Hidden Plan – Santorro rescues Rountree’s failing bank; Will devises a plan to expose Rountree

6. Major Betrayal – Becca cheats on Will

Character Layers

1. Secret Identity – Martaan is actually Crider Martin

2. Character Intrigue – we don’t know who Martaan is; why did Will not investigate the wreck?

3. Hidden Relationships and conspiracies – Rountree and Santorro; Millie and Rountree; Mary-Grace and Will; Vinnie and Santorro

4. Hidden Character History – Will and Martaan, Rountree and Jenny, Will’s mother

Sequence of Reveals

Plot surface – Will is a respected journalist who tries to maintain control of his life as his marriage is falling apart and his dream job is snatched away, all while he carries the pain and guilt of having let his mother die (so he believes) instead of saving her

1. Will and Rountree have a long and painful (for Will) past

2. The wreck is revealed as not an accident

3. Martaan was at the bridge

4. Becca cheats on Will

5. Will devises a plan to expose Rountree

6. The truth about the wreck comes out

Character Surface – Every character except Will is not who they appear to be

1. Rountree is driven by superstition

2. Rountree and Santorro have been in business together for 30 years

3. Martaan is from Elam county, not the islands

4. Rountree and Millie had a thing years ago and she might be still available

5. Mary-Grace has been secretly compiling dirt on Rountree

[hilton Garrett]

Lesson 10, Part 1

There are many intriguing layers in Breaking Bad. These are some of them:

This Episode

Marie, whose husband is a law officer, is a thief

Will the school figure out who stole the equipment?

Will Walt and Jesse find enough ingredients?

Will Tuco kill them?

Will the real estate agent expose their lab in the basement of Jesse’s house?

Although still as yet a reasonable man, Walt is gradually transitioning into a full blown criminal

What will become of their deal with Tuco to supply him two pounds per week?

The Show

Walt’s hidden agenda, and thus his deception, in making meth

Can Walt keep up his lies as he conceals ever more complex deceit?

What is he losing as he goes deeper into his lies?

The ever present question of Hank discovering Walt’s actions

Can Walt function in a very dangerous criminal environment?

Will the dealers respect Walt’s abilities as a meth maker? Or will they kill him?

Will Walt and Jesse get along well enough to run their enterprise?

_________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Big Picture Open Loops

What I learned: The necessity of open loops to maintain unflagging interest; much is going on beneath the surface; relationships can be powerfully impacted by embedding open loops within them

Open loops for my show:

Goals

New Goals

After receiving the letter from a mysterious person, Will needs to know who sent it and why

The letter says that the wreck was not an accident; now Will needs to know what caused it

Crushed Goals

Vinnie got the job that Will wanted and had long expected to be his

Consequences

Will fights with Vinnie, strikes him, and now faces termination from the paper

Solving Problems

Will’s major problem is overcoming the guilt he carries with him from his mother’s death

After receiving the letter he is now committed to finding out who killed his parents

Major change imposed on character: After fighting with Vinnie Will is fired from the paper

Relationships

Relationship in peril – Becca is slipping away

New relationships forming – Will and Mary-Grace, Will and the F.B.I. handler, Will and Martaan

Conflict inside relationships – Becca has sex with the courier; Will and his handler argue; Will is conflicted about Mary-Grace, Will and Rountree are two cats in a sack

Danger/Survival Risks

Can Will survive Santorro’s men?

Putting themselves in danger/ making dangerous decisions – Will goes against his handler, and probes ever deeper into Rountree’s activities

Who else is put in danger – Becca, Mary-Grace

Internal dangers – Will’s inner torment and its effects on Will’s thinking, decisions and actions

________________________________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Show Mysteries

What I learned – Mysteries are engaging; how to create and embed a mystery

PART 1, Breaking Bad mysteries

There are many small mysteries, and the overall bigger mysteries such as what is Walt’s underlying frame of mind as he confronts the cancer, the deceit he promulgates, how to pay for his treatment (once he decides to take treatment), what will become of his cancer (and his family), and will he pursue making meth?

Walt hides his meth activities from his family and we wonder how he can continue to deceive his brother-in-law DEA agent

What is Walt’s past association with Elliot?

Why are they no longer in business together?

What is Walt’s past association with Gretchen

How is Walt going to pay for his treatment?

Can Jesse produce meth at Walt’s level of quality?

Can Walt and Jesse work together?

PART 2, My Show

Shocking Event Mystery –

Shocking Event – The car runs off the bridge and Will’s parents die

Secret – If it was not an accident, then what caused the wreck?

Investigation – Will seeks to learn what really caused the wreck

WHO – Will’s mother and father are killed

WHAT was she doing – driving home from the picnic

WHEN – on a peaceful Saturday afternoon

WHERE – on the bridge just before arriving at home

HOW – Will’s mother drove their car off the bridge

PART WITHHELD – Why did she drive off the bridge?

WHO caused the fireball?

WHY – Why would someone do that?

Over Time Mystery –

COVER UP – Will is presented as a man who has gone on to achieve success in his career but is secretly haunted by the accident, and is ashamed of being an orphan

SECRET – Someone caused the wreck, not his mother who was driving the car

REVEALS – Martaan’s letter and subsequent story; Millie’s reveals: the deed, Rountree’s obsession with Will’s mother; Rountree’s confession to the “ghost”

WHO – An unknown person caused the wreck

WHAT – The wreck killed Will’s parents

WHEN – on a peaceful Saturday afternoon

WHERE – in the river under the bridge

HOW- evidence of a fireball on the bridge emerges

PART WITHHELD – why would someone do that? And who was it?

[hilton Garrett]

Lesson 7 Empathy/Distress

Hilton Garrett, Show Empathy/Distress

What I learned – to see the complexity of relationships among the characters and to tease out what lies below the surface, in
particular how plot affects character

Assignment 2

A. Undeserved misfortune – At the age of 12 Will loses his mother and father in a car wreck

B. External Character Conflicts – Will struggles with Becca over their marriage; Will struggles with his F.B.I. handler who puts him in position where he must lie to his wife and his employer; Will fights with Vinnie over Vinnie’s ham-handed people management skills

C. Plot intruding on life – Will learns that his parents’ death was not an accident which upends his world view; his handler requires actions that Will doesn’t want

D. Moral Dilemmas – Having learned that his parents were murdered Will wants revenge that might involve killing someone, not what he was raised to do but ultimately necessary in the increasingly complex world Will has been drawn into by the F.B.I.

E. Forced Decisions they’d never make – Killing one of Santorro’s men who is stalking Will

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Show Relationships Map

What I learned – Again, I learned to see the characters at a much deeper level. I see more clearly how their lives are intertwined, and how action and conflict arise naturally from the relationships

Example Show

Breaking Bad

Walter White

Skyler White

Surface

Relationship – Wife, mother of his children

Common

Ground – Trying to make the family work with limited funds

Relationship

Conflict – Walt is hiding his crimes and lying to Skyler

Relationship

History – They have been faithful partners while struggling financially

Relationship

Subtext – Walt’s terminal cancer diagnosis

Relationship

Arc – From co-equal partners to Walt’s taking over of the family’s future

Hank Schrader

Surface

Relationship – Brother-in-law

Common

Ground – Family

Relationship

Conflict – Walt must hide his crimes from Hank the DEA agent

Relationship

History – They get along as family, Walt’s son looks up to Hank

Relationship

Arc – From close to suspicious

Jesse Pinkman

Surface

Relationship – Partners

Common

Ground – Both want to cook meth and make money

Relationship

Conflict – Walt is overbearing and insulting to Jesse, Jesse is undisciplined

Relationship

History – Jesse was Walt’s student in 11^th grade

Relationship

Subtext – Jesse resists Walt’s bossiness and his demands for organization

Relationship

Arc – From a fitful beginning to working together successfully

___________________________________

My Show

The Stringer

Will Calhoun

Becca Calhoun

Surface

Relationship – Wife

Common

Ground – Marriage

Relationship

Conflict – Becca wants children, Will does not

Relationship

History – Both work or worked at the newspaper

Relationship

Subtext – Their lives are diverging, the marriage failing

Relationship

Arc – From happy wife to frustrated, angry and estranged

Byron Rountree

Surface

Relationship – Adversaries

Common

Ground – From the same hometown, both interested in politics

Relationship

Conflict – Will has long suspected Rountree of misdeeds and investigates each one

Relationship

History – Rountree’s bank took Will’s family home

Relationship

Subtext – Both are damaged souls fighting for redemption

Relationship

Arc – From surface adversaries to Rountree’s death, and Will’s redemption

Cander Martaan

Surface

Relationship – Allies in pursuit of the truth of the accident on the bridge

Common

Ground – They both grew into their teens in the same place

Relationship

Conflict – Will doesn’t trust Martaan, doubts his assertions

Relationship

History – Both were at the bridge the day of the wreck

Relationship

Subtext – Both men’s lives were permanently damaged at the bridge

Relationship

Arc – From wary potential allies to full-on partners

_______________________________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Intriguing Character Layers

Lesson 4, Part 2 Layers of Intrigue

What I learned: To see more deeply into my characters, and to anticipate issues and conflicts that will arise in future episodes as a result of these layers of intrigue

Character Name Will Calhoun

Role Newspaper reporter, protagonist

Hidden Agendas To take down Byron Rountree, to undermine Vinnie

Competition With Bruce Wingate, TV reporter; with Vinnie

Conspiracies With Millie, Bruce and Mary Grace to take down Rountree

Secrets He has an illegitimate child with a past lover

Deception Did not tell Becca he would not have children

Wound Lost his parents when he was 12 years old

Secret Identity Pulitzer Prize winner

Character Name Becca Calhoun

Role Will’s wife

Hidden Agenda To get pregnant with or without Will’s agreement

Wound Not having children

Secret Identity Mother of three children

Character Name Candar Martaan

Role Tells Will the truth about his parents’ death, supports Will

Conspiracies With Will to flush out Rountree

Secrets He killed the leader of the lynching party

Deception Appears to be an elegant, cultured worldly man

Wound His father was lynched

Secret Identity He is actually Crider Martin, son of a murdered man

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, BWTV Lesson Four

Part 1

Breaking Bad

Previous examples of intrigue

Can Walt and Jesse actually work together?

Can Walt actually kill Krazy 8?

Will Walt release Krazy 8

Will Krazy 8 kill Walt?

Will Skylar figure out what Walt is doing?

Next episode

How will Walt pay for his cancer treatment?

__________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Lesson Three, Part Two

Hilton Garrett, Engaging Main Characters

What I learned – I learned to see my characters much more clearly.

Journey of the Show :

Although successful in his career, Will Calhoun is at a low point in his life, orphaned at a young age, facing divorce, locked out of a job he thought would be his and left only with his work as a stabilizing presence. The work leads him inexorably to the place of his greatest life trauma – his parents’ death – where he confronts and faces down the evil and greed that set him on a life course of loss and frustration.

Characters that sell the show:

Will Calhoun – Lead

A. Frustrated investigative reporter who is obsessed with uncovering the facts of every story

B. He has a talent for getting information that sometimes involves crossing a line

C. He has a burning desire to bring down Byron Rountree

D. He seeks information in possibly illegal ways

E. While seemingly respectful and appropriate, Will won’t hesitate to follow a lead even if it violates laws and manners

F. Will is facing divorce, has been denied the promotion he was promised, lost his family as a child and was denied the life he started out to have. He has had to make it on his own

Byron Rountree Jr. – Antagonist

A. A politician and small-town banker now running for governor

B. Charismatic, and capable of garnering support despite his nefarious ways

C. He has killed and covered up his crime; he is in business with the Mob

D. He crosses many boundaries, ethical and legal, and works to appear to be above all that

E. Juggling ambition and guilt, he will do what is necessary to maintain his public image

F. He’s a good man gone bad

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  hilton Garrett.

[hilton Garrett]

BWTV Lesson 3 Engaging Main Characters

Breaking Bad

Walt

Lead character

Unique Purpose – to raise enough money to provide for his family after his expectedly soon death from cancer

Intrigue – Is he committed enough to that purpose to cross whatever legal or moral impediment he encounters

Moral Issue – the making of meth itself first off, then the killing of two men as a result, the disposition of the bodies, lying to his wife

Unpredictable – we don’t know what he will do next, only that he will do what he sees necessary to preserve his goal and forward the action toward it. We see there seems to be no limit to what he will do to that end, thus making his behavior/actions almost entirely unpredictable

Empathetic: why do we care? We care because we have come to believe in him as a fundamentally good man, a man of character, who through no fault of his own is presented with a series of life challenges that, owing to his fundamentally good nature, which we identify with, lead him to cross a line in order to fulfill his obligations to his family, which leads us to hope that he can escape the threats he encounters from the DEA and from other players in the drug world

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Three Circles of Characters

What I learned: How to see more clearly the nature of the characters, their relationships among one another, and how to organize them according to the role and importance of each. As I considered each character through this lens I could see into their past and their future almost magically.

Main Characters Circle

Will Calhoun – a respected newspaper reporter driven to expose and publish the truth who is burdened by guilt over the loss of his mother

Byron Rountree Jr. – a well-known politician and small town banker now running for governor who, against his will, is still in bed with an organized crime family

Becca Calhoun – Will’s wife who is now seriously considering divorce since she is fed up with Will’s reluctance to have children when that is the most important thing for her, a near obsession

Mary-Grace Lane – the owner and publisher of a small town newspaper who is attracted to Will and willing to help him solve an important mystery

Cander Martaan – an elegant man from the islands who knows a secret that will change Will’s life

Connected Circle

Sheriff Big Jim Bridges – a big and strong man, sheriff of a small county in south Georgia who tolerates certain non-lethal crimes committed by Rountree and the mafia but is, aside from that, a fairly honest and honorable man keeping the peace

Carlo “the Grip” Santorro – a New Jersey crime boss who is expanding his operations south, encroaching on Rountree’s turf and upsetting the balance of power in the small south Georgia town and the state at large

Madam Tiffany – a mysterious seer who advises Rountree and unknowingly tips Will off to Rountree’s belief in the supernatural, and then later advises Will

Millie Barnes – owns the City Café where she serves breakfast and lunch for the farmers and merchants of the county, all the while keeping an ear out for all that goes on in the county

Bruce Wingate – a TV reporter and somewhat rival to Will who is more about looking good for the camera than digging out the facts

Vinnie – Will’s boss at the Atlanta paper who was put into his job by new owners after Will had been promised the job who rides Will mercilessly

Jack – Will’s mentor at the Atlanta paper who has taught Will the business and now tries to mentor him through rough waters only Will doesn’t ask him for help

Environmental Circle

Clarence – mail clerk at the Atlanta newspaper

Lt. Dolan – Atlanta police detective and occasional ally of Will

Marvin Little – Rountree’s campaign manager who tries to keep Rountree’s warts out of public view

The River – a peaceful and sometimes deadly force that runs through the county past the Calhoun farm and plays a vital role in the main events of the story

Café patrons, Townspeople, Sheriff’s deputies, Santorro’s thugs and Moss Adams, the old river rat who sees all that happens on the river including one very critical event in Will’s past

Unnamed homeless man in Atlanta – Will befriends him and sometimes gives him money for food

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett

Lesson 2, Part 1

Breaking Bad, S1 Ep2

Main Characters Circle: Walt, Jesse, Skylar

Connected Circle: Krazy 8, Emilio

Environmental Circle: Students

____________________________________________

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[hilton Garrett]

My name is Hilton Garrett. I’ve written three feature scripts, one TV pilot and some short stage plays. I’ve executive-produced two feature films, one of which played at Sundance and was sold to Magnolia.

I’m looking forward to learning what I believe this class offers, and putting that into a viable BWTV series.

[hilton Garrett]

<div>

Breaking Bad 5 Star Model

What I learned – seeing how the Five Star Model appears in this show makes it clearer how to bring that to my script

</div><div>

Big Picture Hooks

</div><div>The outrageous premise (a high school chemistry teacher becomes a meth cook) coupled with the cancer diagnosis, the family’s financial issues and the question of how this will work out
</div><div>

</div><div>

Amazing and Intriguing Character

Walt, an ordinary man, leaves his ordinary world late in life after having been diagnosed with lung cancer, and runs the risk of being found out or killed at any point. Can he keep his secret from his wife and his brother-in-law DEA agent?

</div>

Jesse, Walt’s partner, while seemingly irresponsible and addicted to drugs, shows signs of being dependable and a competent ally despite his low-life persona

<div>
Empathy / Distress
</div><div>

His disease, his family condition, his vision for taking care of them, his distress at being caught (he thinks)

Layers / Open Loops

</div><div>Can a high school chemistry teacher actually succeed as a meth cook in the violent world of drug cartels before he dies of cancer</div><div>

Inviting Obsession

</div>It plants so many seeds for further discovery that you have to stick around and see how they turn out

[hilton Garrett]

Logline – Marcus and his men are sent behind enemy lines to rescue Carley

Essence – War be damned, two professionals can’t deny their love

———–Begin Scene———–

EXT. COMBAT ZONE, OUTSIDE HOUSE – DAY

First Lieutenant Marcus Tanner leads the platoon sent to extract a woman who ignored the order to evacuate the day before. Now he and his men must get her out safely. Having arrived at her location, Marcus assesses the situation.

As the men await orders from Marcus…

SERGEANT

(looks around)

Where’s Jones, Lieutenant?

MARCUS

I sent him on a run back to base.

SERGEANT

Sir, there’s still enemy dug in along that route.

MARCUS

Well, he’ll have to navigate carefully then, won’t he?

SERGEANT

I saw him talking with that lady in the house yesterday before we pulled back. Looked kinda friendly like.

MARCUS

Yeah, Jones is a real ladies’ man.

SERGEANT

And she’s a real looker, ain’t she, sir?

MARCUS

She’s a real pain in the ass, making us come back here under fire to get her.

SERGEANT

What’s the plan, sir?

MARCUS

Set a perimeter on the north side. That’s where they’ll come from. And do it now. Those sons-a-bitches will be here soon enough. Two men guard the front. I’m going in.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Carley Winter, a beautiful woman even in combat fatigues, is in the front room seated at a folding table. She types on a laptop. Marcus bursts through the front door. Carley looks up.

CARLEY

(off some blood on his face)

Well, soldier, looks like you’ve been busy defending democracy.

MARCUS

You were supposed to leave yesterday. Why didn’t you?

CARLEY

Was that an actual evacuation order, or just a suggestion? I wasn’t sure.

MARCUS

Pack up. We’re leaving.

CARLEY

May I offer you a cup of tea? The water’s boiling I believe.

MARCUS

We don’t have time for that. You’re lucky to still be alive as it is.

CARLEY

So you came not knowing if I was still alive?

MARCUS

It’s not enough we’ve got a shooting war going on, and a blown dam flooding the valley, but now we’re tying up manpower to come back and save you.

CARLEY

That’s your decision. I didn’t need you to rescue me.

MARCUS

It wasn’t my decision. If you weren’t the General’s daughter you’d be on your own. You’re so goddam entitled.

CARLEY

I’m sorry you think that. I’m just trying to get front-line news back to my audience. Do my job, you know?

MARCUS

The front line moved. You were supposed to move with it.

CARLEY

I’ve been in tight spots before. I can take care of myself.

MARCUS

Fine. Shall I leave you here then?

CARLEY

Like you left me at the station in Boston?

MARCUS

I’m sorry about that, Carley. I wasn’t ready. And I knew I was deploying.

CARLEY

I hated you for that.

MARCUS

I wrote you a letter.

CARLEY

What letter? I never got a letter.

MARCUS

I’m sorry. But I wrote it.

CARLEY

And mailed it?

MARCUS

Yes, I mailed it.

CARLEY

Well, what did it say?

MARCUS

This is not a good time to get into that.

CARLEY

Do you realize how many strings I had to pull to get assigned to your sector?

MARCUS

It’s a fucking war, Carley. I think more about winning and surviving.

CARLEY

Well you sure didn’t think about me.

MARCUS

So you’re a mind reader now?

CARLEY

I don’t have to be. The evidence speaks for itself.

MARCUS

There’s no evidence of what I think about.

CARLEY

Exactly! Out of thoughts arises action. No action – no thought. Admit it.

MARCUS

No, I don’t admit it.

CARLEY

Are you saying you thought about me?

MARCUS

No, you are.

CARLEY

No, I’m saying the opposite.

MARCUS

You’re putting words in my mouth.

CARLEY

Well, I assume you have your orders. Do whatever they say.

A mortar round lands in an ear-splitting explosion in the back part of the house. A large chunk of the ceiling falls on Marcus, knocks him down and half buries him in debris.

CARLEY

Are you okay? Here, let me help you.

Marcus is stunned from the impact of the fallen ceiling. Carley moves closer and lifts the biggest piece off of him. She pushes it aside.

Another mortar round lands just outside the front wall of the house. It blows out the window and showers them with glass.

SERGEANT (O.S.)

(shouts)

Sir! I can see ‘em coming! We gotta move!

MARCUS

(to Carley)

They’ve got us bracketed. The next mortar round’s gonna land on top of us. And Sergeant Taylor says the ground troops are coming.

CARLEY

I heard him.

She looks deeply into his eyes. She wipes at the dust and debris on his face. She lifts his helmet off and puts it aside.

MARCUS

Did you hear me? We’ve got to go!

He pushes himself up. He’s a little wobbly. She steps closer.

CARLEY

Are you sure you’re able?

MARCUS

Who’s able? You just do.

CARLEY

Maybe I can help.

She brushes the dust from his lips. They stare deep into each other’s eyes. Time stops. They stand motionless until she kisses him. He doesn’t move. Then slowly puts his arms around her. He pulls her tight to him. They kiss passionately.

MARCUS

I’m not leaving you again.

Enemy small arms fire slams into the north wall of the house. In the distance foreign voices shout above the din. Ever closer.

———-End Scene———–

[hilton Garrett]

Logline – Brandy betrays Phillip to get back at him for something

Essence – Brandy reveals her deceptive ways

———–Begin Scene———–

INT. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, RARE BOOKS SECTION – DAY

Phillip and Brandy, deep into their research into the loss of the Spanish galleon Santa Lucia off the coast of Florida in 1623, work at a table strewn with charts and folders and several leather-bound books of contemporaneous charts, hand-drawn illustrations of the ship’s architecture, maps and survivors’ accounts of the shipwreck.

Pinpointing the location of the sinking will assure them of the recognition and prestige among their peers that Brandy so desperately needs.

Brandy suspects Phillip of sharing the results of their research with Emily, a competing researcher and a rival of Brandy’s for Phillip’s affection.

BRANDY

Talked with Emily lately?

PHILLIP

I ran into her the other day.

BRANDY

How was she?

PHILLIP

She seemed alright. We didn’t really talk much.

BRANDY

Really? Hmhhh. I noticed she posted something that you and I had dug out.

PHILLIP

Well, if we found it others might too.

BRANDY

Maybe somebody could. But not Emily. Her idea of research is to look over somebody’s shoulder during the exam.

PHILLIP

She’s pretty nice.

BRANDY

So nice you had to fuck her too?

Phillip’s face turns red.

PHILLIP

Why would you think that?

BRANDY

Because she has our material. And why would she have our material? Maybe in exchange for something?

PHILLIP

Or she just dug it out like we did.

BRANDY

You owe me, Phillip.

PHILLIP

I love you, Brandy, but I’m entitled to speak to Emily if I want to. There’s no harm in that.

BRANDY

Then how come your face turned red when I mentioned her? Feeling a little guilt?

PHILLIP

You know what? I’m gonna go look for that Obregon book with the ship’s diagram in it.

Phillip leaves. Brandy produces a tiny surgeon’s knife.

She opens the book that contains rare and valuable maps of the Caribbean and Eastern North American coastline. While pretending to run her fingers along the inside border of an exquisitely drawn and embellished map, she carefully slices the page. She removes it from the book. She repeats the process on another page, and wipes the blade clean of fingerprints. She then slips the two pages into one of Phillip’s folders before he returns.

As they continue with the research, Brandy opens the book she removed the pages from and appears startled that the pages are missing. A library monitor walks past and notices her upset.

LIBRARIAN

What seems to be the problem?

BRANDY

Missing pages.

LIBRARIAN

Let me see.

Brandy shows her the book with the clipped edges of the pages.

LIBRARIAN

These maps are worth a small fortune. Even removed from the book.

She speaks into a small device.

LIBRARIAN

Come to the fourth floor, east wing, and get the D.C. police.

The police arrive.

LIBRARIAN

This lady reported the missing pages.

POLICE 1

When did you notice the pages missing?

BRANDY

Just now. I was using the book and just happened to turn to the missing pages and saw they were gone.

POLICE 1

Do you know how the pages might have disappeared?

PHILLIP

Officer, I’m quite sure Brandy does not know what happened to the pages.

POLICE 1

Let her answer.

BRANDY

Well, I like doing magic tricks but I can’t actually make things disappear like that.

PHILLIP

I’ve known Brandy for two years and I know her to be above reproach. Can we please wrap this up and let us get back to work?

Brandy shuffles some papers. The knife blade falls to the floor. The officer sees it and picks it up.

POLICE 1

What’s this? Is this yours?

BRANDY

No, I’ve never seen it before.

PHILLIP

You have to understand, officer, we’re serious students of early-American trade routes and shipwrecks, not thieves. We’re entitled to some respect here.

BRANDY

That’s right. I’m only interested in my research.

POLICE 1

Still, what’s this knife doing here?… You mind if I look through your things?

PHILLIP

Sure, go ahead.

The cop finds the missing pages in Phillip’s materials. He holds them up. He puts them against the cut edges in the book and they fit like the right piece to a jig-saw puzzle.

POLICE 1

You’re under arrest for the theft of U.S. Government property.

BRANDY

Phillip, how could you?!

PHILLIP

I didn’t take those. I don’t know how they got there.

POLICE 1

You can explain that down at the station house.

BRANDY

Phillip, you surprise me. I’m gonna have to re-think our relationship.

The police handcuff Phillip and walk away. Brandy watches with a smirk on her face.

——–End Scene——-

[hilton Garrett]

ANOTHER LOOK AT MAX INTEREST

What I learned: Once again – for me – this was a difficult assignment. So I learned that I can take a situation from nothing but a challenging concept and develop it into a viable scene that meets many of the parameters. I also learned that I can write a scene between two characters neither of which I like. In doing that I was able to look into each character and find something of the makeup and motivation of each, and then write that. So once again, as in previous difficult assignments, this difficult assignment forced me to expand my ability to conceive of and write a challenging scene.

LOGLINE: Two scorpions in a jar

INTEREST TECHNIQUES:

Suspense – Bubba and Ollie wait past the appointed time, and don’t know when Alphonse will get there. Or if he’s coming.

Major Twist – 1. Bubba makes a deal with the Garcia boys. 2. Alphonse makes a deal with The Shark.

Surprise – Bubba’s deal with the Garcia brothers which he springs on Alphonse

Mislead/Reveal – Alphonse makes a deal with The Shark.

Superior Position/Dramatic Irony – Each man thinks he has the superior position and plays his hand accordingly.

Uncertainty, Hope/Fear – Bubba now knows his life is under threat.

Intrigue – Each man schemes against the other.

Mystery – Why did Bubba’s men steal Alphonse’s part of the shipment?

Cliffhanger – The pending meeting between Bubba and The Shark.

Dilemma – The deal Alphonse offers Bubba.

——–Begin Scene——

INT. SEEDY BAR, BACKROOM – DAY

Bubba Dupree, boss of a small-time criminal enterprise sits at a table with his number two man, Ollie, and eats from a plate of grilled steak and french fries. He takes a bite, wipes his mouth and looks at his watch. Ollie’s feeling it too.

OLLIE

How long we waitin’, Boss?

BUBBA

I don’t know, Ollie, maybe till I finish eating. That alright with you?

OLLIE

Sure, I got no place to go.

BUBBA

So what did you ask for?

OLLIE

I just don’t trust that motherfucker.

BUBBA

What’s he gonna do?

OLLIE

I don’t know, but he knows what we did to him. He don’t know why exactly, but, I mean he knows it was us. Wasn’t some homeless dude that just stumbled up on the shit.

BUBBA

Yeah, so what?

OLLIE

I don’t trust him, that’s all. He’s fucking crazy.

BUBBA

Well, I got a little surprise for him.

OLLIE

What’s that?

BUBBA

You’ll see, the sumbitch ever gets here.

OLLIE

He’s coming to make the peace. You gonna fuck with him?

BUBBA

He’s a dick.

OLLIE

The dick’s the one usually doin’ the fuckin’, ain’t it Boss?

BUBBA

You got such a nice way of puttin’ things, Ollie.

A knock comes at the door.

BUBBA

Let him in.

Ollie opens the door and lets Alphonse in. Alphonse is a well-dressed and vile man. He takes a seat.

BUBBA

Your watch broke?

ALPHONSE

What’s the rush? You’re not even finished your meal.

BUBBA

No rush, you just said eight PM, and now it’s 8:30. So I get a little confused.

ALPHONSE

Well, eat your supper. I’ll just sit here and wait for you.

BUBBA

We don’t have to wait. I can eat and talk at the same time.

ALPHONSE

You know why I’m here?

BUBBA

Why don’t you tell me.

ALPHONSE

Your boys lifted four bricks out of my piece of the last shipment.

BUBBA

Yeah?

ALPHONSE

Yeah. That causes me to feel bad towards you.

BUBBA

And what you gonna do?

ALPHONSE

I could make a fuss, but I like the peace.

BUBBA

See, Ollie, Alphonse is a peace-loving man. Just like I said.

OLLIE

Okay, boss.

BUBBA

I hate you feel bad about me, Alphonse. You know how much I want to be loved and admired.

ALPHONSE

Yeah, you’re lovable.

BUBBA

You’re gonna love this. I made a deal with the Garcia brothers. So all the shipments coming through are mine now. You get nothing.

ALPHONSE

That’s too bad, Bubba. I was hoping for more from you.

BUBBA

Hope in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

ALPHONSE

You’re a prince of a fuckhead Bubba. But tell me this, who do the Garcia boys fear more than death?

BUBBA

I don’t know, Al, why don’t you tell me.

ALPHONSE

I’ll tell you, Bubba, in case you been asleep under that rock. You know The Shark? You’ve heard of him, right?

BUBBA

Yeah, what about it?

ALPHONSE

I made a deal with him. Do you know what that means for you?

BUBBA

No, I don’t. Once again, Alphonse, why don’t you tell me?

ALPHONSE

Well, you should know, because my new partners think you’re sort of unnecessary. Like maybe you’re sucking up too much air.

Bubba says nothing. Stares at Alphonse.

ALPHONSE

But I got some good news for you, Bubba. I talked The Shark into making you a deal.

BUBBA

The Shark wants to make me a deal?

ALPHONSE

You got a choice. Cut us in at forty percent or go out of business.

BUBBA

That ain’t much of a choice, is it?

ALPHONSE

Kinda like the horns of a dilemma, ain’t it?… Which apple’s got the poison in it?

BUBBA

Both of them…. I’ll tell you now, I’ll take the deal, but twenty percent. And I want to meet with The Shark. You think you can set that up?

ALPHONSE

He already thinks you should go away. You sure you want to sit down?

BUBBA

Set it up.

———End Scene——-

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  hilton Garrett.

[hilton Garrett]

Hey Mary, I saw in your introduction to the course that you live in Atlanta, as do I. Depending on where in Atlanta, if it’s convenient geographically, maybe we could meet for coffee or something one day and have a chance to talk. Since your cogent critique of my scene it occurred to me that we could possibly contribute to each other’s work. Let me know if you’re interested in meeting or talking further.

Hilton

hiltonga@gmail.com

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton

REVEALS THAT PIQUE CURIOSITY

What I learned: I became aware of the dramatic power of reveals, and how to write more of them into the original script. The writing feels richer somehow.

Scene Set-up

Jaimie ghosted Ben thirteen years ago. He has not seen or heard anything from her in all that time. He never stopped looking for her though. Her disappearance changed his life, and not all in a good way. Ben, now a G.B.I. Agent on an impossible assignment gone bad, is caught in an insurrectionist militia camp and trying to escape in a Jeep along with fellow Agent Anna Lee Hafferty, when the Jeep crashes.

Since having been captured he saw Jaimie once from a distance but could not tell if it was her. He wants her more than anything in the world. She is now a major part of the insurrectionist group. It is Ben’s job is to take them down.

Logline: Ben sees Jaimie (now Jenny) for the first time since she left him thirteen years ago.

Structure of the Scene

Demand – Ben has tried to find Jaimie for thirteen years. He longs for any information about her. Now she is right under his nose but he doesn’t realize it.

Cover-up – Jaimie has concealed her identity and become immersed in the militia movement.

Reveal – Ben saves her life from the exploding Hummer, and sees her up close. Now he knows it is her.

————Begin Scene———–

EXT. EDGE OF STAGING AREA – NIGHT

Ben pulls Anna Lee from the jeep and helps her toward cover at the edge of the staging area. Before they get there Jenny returns in the Hummer, bearing down on them.

A militia man throws one of Jenny’s homemade hand grenades at them. It overshoots the mark and lands in the opening just as Jenny arrives there. Ben turns and shoots him.

The grenade explodes, upends the truck. Jenny is stunned. The Hummer is tipped up on its side. Fuel trickles along the ground toward open flames, about to ignite and engulf Jenny.

Ben holds Anna Lee by the shoulders and looks into her eyes. She blinks, breathes deeply, nods her head slightly.

Ben looks over as the Hummer fire creeps closer to Jenny. He looks back at Anna Lee and then runs to the Hummer.

Shielding his face against the flames, he reaches in and manages to pull her out of the burning truck.

He picks her up and carries her away from danger. Holding her in his arms he looks into her eyes. There is no doubt. Jenny and Jaimie are one and the same. Ben gently lays her on the ground.

BEN

(with deep emotion)

Jaimie! Jaimie! Jaimie!

She blinks to clear her head just as…

… the Hummer explodes.

Jenny looks up at Ben. His face, lit by the explosion, is drenched in pain and longing.

JENNY

(groggy and shaken)

You followed me here!

BEN

No. I didn’t. I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t know where you were. I never stopped looking for you though. You don’t know how many thousands of times I’ve wanted to touch you. Hold you. Every time a woman who looked a little like you would walk by, my heart would beat faster and I would think for a fraction of a second that it was you. And then it wasn’t, but then the scab was ripped off and the hole you left inside me was still there. Still bleeding.

JENNY

You’re making me sick.

BEN

Why did you leave me?

JENNY

I left you Benny. Can’t you get that through your head? What else do you need to know?

BEN

I need to know why! Why, Jaimie? I loved you. You could have said something. Anything. Losing you was bad enough but not knowing why, or what happened, or where you were was far, far worse. Without a trace. Nothing. Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have lived with that. Anything but never knowing what happened. Can you understand that?

————End Scene————-

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett CHARACTER RELATIONSHIPS

What I learned: It seems obvious now, but I never thought about character relationships determined through traits. I always had them as a function of story, but I like the depth and complexity available by pairing them. I learned that designing characters from the beginning based on their relationships as suggested by their traits, builds in stability and cohesion.

CHARACTER TRAITS

BEN:

Wounded, Loner, Obsessed, Fighter

Subtext – Wants to heal his wounds but lacks the trust necessary

ANNA LEE:

Smart, Supportive, Playful, Deadly

Subtext – Her playful demeanor conceals a fierce and deadly determination

MAD DOG:

Obsessed, Egotistical, Paranoid, Delusional

Subtext – Needs to prove his prowess

JENNY:

Greedy, Sexy, Calculating, Selfish

Subtext – A small-town girl with delusions of grandeur

TRAIT COMPARISONS

BEN/ANNA LEE

Wounded, Loner/ Smart, Supportive

Anna Lee sees through Ben’s defenses to his underlying wound, and naturally wants to support him

Rapport, Contrast, Subtext

Loner/Playful

She is playful in the face of his reluctance to engage with her

Contrast, Competition, Subtext

Wounded/Playful

Hiking, at the campfire, at their first meeting Anna Lee plays with Ben

Conflict, Competition, Subtext

Fighter/Deadly

When the shooting starts, they are both highly skilled and lethal

Rapport, Subtext

BEN/JENNY

Wounded/Greedy

Ben lays bare his wound to Jenny, and all she cares about is her ambition

Contrast, Conflict

Obsessed/Sexy

Ben’s old feelings remain alive inside him. Her sexy way stokes his desire

Contrast, Conflict, Subtext

Loner/Calculating

Ben is locked inside his past. Jenny is calculating her future

Contrast, Conflict, Subtext

Fighter/Selfish

Ben stays true to the mission. Jenny thinks only of herself

BEN/MAD DOG

Wounded/Egotistical

Ben sees the world through his wound. Mad Dog works from his ego

Contrast, Conflict, Subtext

Loner/Delusional

Ben won’t let anyone in; Mad Dog believes he can take over the world

Contrast, subtext

Obsessed/Obsessed

Their two obsessions clash

Conflict, Subtext

Fighter/Paranoid

Ben is a confident and highly skilled fighter. Mad Dog fears he’s not good enough

Conflict, Contrast, Subtext

MAD DOG/JENNY

Obsessed/Greedy

Mad Dog is obsessed with gaining power; Jenny will take all she can get

Rapport, Conflict, Subtext

Egotistical/Calculating

Mad Dog believes he is the greatest; Jenny feeds his belief and looks to profit

Rapport, Conflict, Subtext

Paranoid/Selfish

Mad Dog fears he’s not quite good enough; Jenny uses that to boost herself

Conflict, Rapport, Subtext

Delusional/Sexy

Mad Dog believes he can be king of the world and needs a cute, sexy woman by his side

Rapport, Subtext

MAD DOG/ANNA LEE

Obsessed/Deadly

Mad Dog is obsessed with killing Ben and Anna Lee; Anna Lee has other plans

Conflict, Contrast, Subtext

Egotistical/Smart

Mad Dog can’t see Anna Lee because of his ego; she’s ok with that

Contrast, Conflict, Subtext

Paranoid/Playful

Anna Lee pokes at Mad Dog’s weakness

Contrast, Conflict, Subtext

Delusional/Deadly

Mad Dog believes he can control the situation; Anna Lee kills her way to him

Conflict, Contrast, Subtext

CHANGES TO ELEVATE

Change Ben’s “Loner” trait to “Determined”

Change Mad Dog’s “Obsessed” trait to “Vengeful

[hilton Garrett]

Revised scene after critique and re-write:

LOGLINE: Pretense and treachery in the C Suite

ESSENCE: Maxine outsmarts her younger rival

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee, from Prissy to Controlling

————–BEGIN SCENE———–

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A small group of strategic planners meets to discuss the imminent signing of a potential new, and most likely highly lucrative, corporate client.

Among the group are two women, rivals, each determined to head up the project.

One of them, Maxine Templeton, still looks good but she recently turned forty and is afraid of aging. As defense, she plots to out-maneuver others within the company. Success conceals many wrinkles.

Renee Duvay, 30’s, cute, sexy, likes to have fun, but in contrast to her fun-loving ways, is devious and covertly manipulative.

As the group gathers, Renee and Maxine, already seated at the conference table, talk quietly between themselves.

RENEE

(sing-songy)

I think this is gonna be a big day! Something so big coming my way! Something big for Renee Duvay!

MAXINE

Maybe.

RENEE

This might be a fun meeting. For a change. You should take your mask off.

MAXINE

I’m afraid I might catch something.

RENEE

(smiles broadly)

You’ll never catch me!

MAXINE

You think I can’t fight for this?

RENEE

I know you used to be a fighter, but I also understand how a broken heart can sideline your ambition.

MAXINE

He was a cheater. And wounds heal. But on that note, how do you think it would go if corporate knew about your affair with the client CEO?

RENEE

They might be okay with it since that’s how we got this far with them.

MAXINE

I think they’d prefer we do it with superior service.

RENEE

Exactly!… But you promised not to tell.

MAXINE

You know I’d never do anything that could hurt you.

RENEE

I never should have told you.

MAXINE

Well, it does pose a certain dilemma for me.

RENEE

Dilemma?

MAXINE

Yeah, I mean, should I be allegiant to our corporate integrity, or to the promise I made to you?

RENEE

You did promise.

MAXINE

I did.

RENEE

So that takes precedence.

MAXINE

You can see my dilemma…. I can just imagine what the little people would think though. If they knew. They can be so petty.

RENEE

I’m pretty sure I can control what they think. Besides I conform perfectly to the image of our corporate culture, so who would even suspect?

MAXINE

Yeah, who would even think that Miss Conformity would step so far over the line?

RENEE

Exactly! Nobody! So I’m gonna sit back and let things take their course.

MAXINE

When did you ever take your hands off the wheel?

RENEE

Sometimes you have to give that appearance.

MAXINE

I wouldn’t get overly confident if I were you. You never know what might happen.

RENEE

Unlike you, I can charm people into seeing it my way.

MAXINE

That’s harder to do when you don’t know the landscape.

RENEE

What landscape? Have you told somebody?

MAXINE

I didn’t have to. I think it kinda leaked out.

RENEE

Leaked out? What does that mean?… So who knows?

MAXINE

I don’t know. I didn’t tell.

RENEE

Then how do you know they know?

MAXINE

I overheard John and Matt talking about it.

RENEE

So how did it get out?

The VP leading the meeting arranges her papers and clears her throat. The room looks toward her.

MAXINE

Let’s finish this later. Looks like the meeting is about to begin.

RENEE

How did it get out?

An assistant walks in and goes straight to the VP and hands her a note. The VP opens the note.

VP

(looks up from the note)

Renee Duvay, you been asked to accompany Miss Blanton here to see the head of HR on an urgent matter.

RENEE

Whaaat?

VP

I don’t know. That’s all the note says.

Renee slowly stands. She looks at Maxine with blood in her eyes. Maxine holds her gaze as she turns to leave.

———–End Scene————-

[hilton Garrett]

LOGLINE: Pretense and treachery in the C Suite

ESSENCE: Maxine outsmarts her younger rival

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee, from Prissy to Controlling

————–BEGIN SCENE———–

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A small group of strategic planners meets to discuss a potential new corporate client. Among the group are two women, rivals, each determined to head up the project.

Maxine Templeton, still looks good but she is forty and afraid of aging. Renee Duvay, 30’s, likes to have fun, but in contrast, is covertly manipulative. As the group gathers Renee and Maxine talk quietly between themselves.

RENEE

This ought to be a fun meeting. For a change. You should take your mask off.

MAXINE

I’m afraid I might catch something.

RENEE

(smiles broadly)

You’ll never catch me!

MAXINE

You think I can’t fight for this?

RENEE

I know you used to be a fighter, but I also understand how a broken heart can cripple your ambition.

MAXINE

I’m getting over it. He was a cheater anyway. And on that note, how do you think it would go if corporate knew about your affair with the client CEO?

RENEE

How do you think we got this far with them?

MAXINE

So you seduced him to get the contract?

RENEE

And because he is so hot. But you promised not to tell. And I never should have told you.

MAXINE

Well, your secret is safe with me. I can just imagine what the little people would think though. If they knew. They can be so petty.

RENEE

I can control what they think. Besides I fit the image of our corporate culture, so who would even suspect? I’m just going to sit back and let things take their course.

MAXINE

When did you ever take your hands off the wheel?

RENEE

Sometimes you have to give that appearance.

MAXINE

I wouldn’t get overly confident if I were you. You never know what might happen.

RENEE

Unlike you, I can charm people into seeing it my way.

MAXINE

That’s harder to do when you don’t know the landscape.

RENEE

What landscape? Have you told somebody?

MAXINE

I didn’t have to. I think it kinda leaked out.

RENEE

Leaked out? So who knows?

MAXINE

I don’t know, I didn’t tell.

RENEE

Then how do you know they know?

MAXINE

I overheard John and Matt talking about it.

RENEE

So how did it get out?

MAXINE

Like I said, you never know what might happen.

———–End Scene————-

[hilton Garrett]

Logline: Their past condemns the future

Essence: This is why it didn’t work

————-Begin Scene—————-

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – DAY

Nancy and Bubba Squire, not long divorced, meet to plan their son’s baseball team’s upcoming celebration banquet. Nancy is not thrilled at having to see Squire, but if it means providing for her son….

NANCY

(exasperated)

Why can’t the past be the past? Why am I looking at you now?

SQUIRE

Who would you rather be looking at?

NANCY

I don’t know. Jabba the Hutt, maybe.

SQUIRE

He’s one charming devil alright, but not nearly good looking enough for you.

NANCY

And you are?

SQUIRE

Well, I didn’t say that, but now that you mention it, you did use to think so.

NANCY

Before you talked me into selling my house —

SQUIRE

— our house —

NANCY

— and giving you all the money to open a stupid restaurant. Now I think you look like a really bad dream…. But I guess I’m gonna have to look past that if we’re gonna get this project done for the boys.

SQUIRE

You’re a beautiful woman, Nancy. Thank you.

NANCY

Everyone is thrilled to hear that you’re paying for the food and the event space.

SQUIRE

I never said that.

NANCY

No? Somehow they got that idea. And now they’re counting on it.

SQUIRE

Well they won’t even need all their fingers. I’ll kick in five bucks. That’s it.

NANCY

You are so generous, Squire.

SQUIRE

Hey, anything for you darlin’, including dinner tonight. At Fredo’s, your favorite Italian place if I remember right.

NANCY

What part of all that did you not understand?

SQUIRE

It’s just that you look so good today…. I’m captivated by your everlasting beauty. And I’m thinking about how it used to be with us, so sweet, so sexy…. In fact, maybe we should have sex one last time. After dinner tonight.

NANCY

(incredulous)

Really?

SQUIRE

One last time.

NANCY

We already did that…. Listen, I care about you, Squire, as much as you infuriate me. I always will. In some way, I suppose. You’re my son’s father. But that’s all there is. So don’t push it. We had our time. And now it’s over…. Did you bring those sconces?

SQUIRE

No, I decided to keep them.

NANCY

I really wanted those. Did you keep the other good stuff for yourself too?

SQUIRE

No, it all went in the liquidation.

NANCY

So we’re gonna split the money?

SQUIRE

We would, except there wasn’t even enough to pay all the bills.

NANCY

So you’re broke? And you want to take me out to dinner? How would you even pay for it?

SQUIRE

I’m not that broke.

NANCY

Just enough so you can’t pay for the banquet.

SQUIRE

I told you, I never said I would.

NANCY

But it’s our son, Squire. How’s he gonna feel? His father not paying for his team celebration when everyone’s expecting it and looking forward to the big evening.

SQUIRE

Hey! I never said I would! Okay? You told them that to make me look bad!

NANCY

You’re doing a good job of that all by yourself. You do not need me for that.

SQUIRE

Hell, I don’t need you for anything, Nancy.

NANCY

Well then. Glad we got that settled. And you know what? That’s just fine because I’m gonna go now and find some way to pull off this celebration for the boys. And that’s mutual, by the way. Goodbye, Squire.

——END SCENE—–

[hilton Garrett]

Logline: Their past condemns the future

Essence: This is why it didn’t work

—————Begin Scene————–

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – DAY

Nancy and Bubba Squire, not long divorced, meet to plan their son’s baseball team’s upcoming celebration banquet. Nancy is not thrilled at having to see Squire, but if it means providing for her son….

NANCY

(exasperated)

Why can’t the past be the past? Why am I looking at you now?

SQUIRE

Who would you rather be looking at?

NANCY

I don’t know. Jabba the Hutt, maybe.

SQUIRE

He’s one charming devil alright, but not nearly good looking enough for you.

NANCY

And you are?

SQUIRE

Well, I didn’t say that, but now that you mention it, you did use to think so.

NANCY

Before you talked me into selling my house —

SQUIRE

— our house —

NANCY

— and giving you all the money to open a stupid restaurant. Now I think you look like a really bad dream…. But I guess I’m gonna have to look past that if we’re gonna get this project done for the boys.

SQUIRE

You’re a beautiful woman, Nancy. Thank you.

NANCY

Everyone is thrilled to hear that you’re paying for the food and the event space.

SQUIRE

I never said that.

NANCY

No? Somehow they got that idea. And now they’re counting on it.

SQUIRE

Well they won’t even need all their fingers. I’ll kick in five bucks. That’s it.

NANCY

You are so generous, Squire.

SQUIRE

Hey, anything for you darlin’, including dinner tonight. At Fredo’s, your favorite Italian place if I remember right.

NANCY

What part of all that did you not understand?

SQUIRE

Come on, Nance, relax a little. It’s just that you look so good today…. I’m captivated by your everlasting beauty. And I’m thinking about how it used to be with us, so sweet, so sexy…. In fact, maybe we should have sex one last time. After dinner tonight.

NANCY

(incredulous)

Really?

SQUIRE

One last time.

NANCY

We already did that…. Listen, I care about you, Squire, as much as you infuriate me. I always will. In some way, I suppose. You’re my son’s father. But that’s all there is. So don’t push it. We had our time. And now it’s over…. Did you bring those sconces?

SQUIRE

No, I decided to keep them.

NANCY

I really wanted those. Did you keep the other good stuff for yourself too?

SQUIRE

No, it all went in the liquidation.

NANCY

So we’re gonna split the money?

SQUIRE

We would, except there wasn’t even enough to pay all the bills.

NANCY

So you’re broke? And you want to take me out to dinner? How would you even pay for it?

SQUIRE

I’m not that broke.

NANCY

Just enough so you can’t pay for the banquet.

SQUIRE

I told you, I never said I would.

NANCY

But it’s our son, Squire. How’s he gonna feel? His father not paying for his team celebration when everyone’s expecting it and looking forward to the big evening.

SQUIRE

(voice rising)

Hey! I never said I would! Okay? You told them that to make me look bad!

NANCY

You do a good job of that all by yourself. You do not need me for that.

SQUIRE

Hell, I don’t need you for anything, Nancy.

NANCY

Well then. Glad we got that settled. And you know what? That’s just fine because I’m gonna go now and find some way to pull off this celebration for the boys. And that’s mutual, by the way. Goodbye, Squire.

——END SCENE—–

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton – Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to look beneath the initial conception of the scene and find places where interest techniques can used to elevate scene quality

(NOTE 1: I included a brief “pre-scene” for context. The assignment applies only to the main scene.)

(NOTE 2: Ben and Anna Lee have been captured, handcuffed, searched for a wire, and had their badges pinned to their bare skin

LOGLINE: Ben and Anna Lee are locked up and need a way to escape

ESSENCE: Faced with a deadly situation Ben gradually opens to the need to work with Anna Lee without seeing her through the lens of his long-standing prejudice against women

INTEREST TECHNIQUES USED:

1. Dilemma – Ben needs to continue seeing women as unreliable but must find a way to work with Anna Lee as a partner if they are to escape, which requires that he give up at least part of his prejudice

2. Prediction – Ben and Anna Lee predict that the militia will try to kill them

3. Something unseen – While they are locked up the militia are planning their demise

4. Creating a future – As they free themselves of the handcuffs they become more able to defend themselves

5. Anticipatory dialogue – They discuss what they believe might happen to them. Also Anna Lee makes reference to the task she is about to perform with the pin of a badge

6. Uncomfortable Moment – The forced intimacy Ben experiences when he removes Anna Lee’s badge

————-Begin “Pre-Scene”————

EXT. MILITIA CAMP – DAY

The militia man steers them through the camp toward a makeshift brig made of oak and hickory saplings, trimmed and lashed together with nylon rope.

It’s nowhere near Fort Leavenworth, not even a county jail, but still plenty strong for a temporary lockup.

The trail guard opens the door and shoves them in and locks the padlock. He throws their shirts in behind them.

TRAIL GUARD

Y’all rest easy. Mad Dog’ll let us know what’s gonna happen to you. Till then, happy camping.

——— end “Pre-Scene”———

EXT. MILITIA CAMP – IN THE CAGE – DAY

Ben and Anna Lee stand helpless, and watch as he walks off.

ANNA LEE

So much for a big strong man protecting me.

BEN

Weren’t you being sarcastic when you said that?

ANNA LEE

They’re not gonna let us go, are they?

BEN

Hard to see why they would.

ANNA LEE

What does that leaves us then?

BEN

Not much.

They look into each other’s eyes. As the reality of their situation becomes clear, a hint of partnership emerges.

ANNA LEE

How do you think they’ll do it?

BEN

They could just walk over and shoot us. But I don’t think they’ve gone full Gestapo yet. They still have to wrap it in the flag some way. Make it a ceremony. One that illustrates the blessed righteousness of their cause. And feeds them more belief that they’re not just garden-variety murders and anarchists.

ANNA LEE

All those noble aims, and here we sit like two ducks in a cage….

Be still.

She steps toward him. Close enough to kiss. He shuffles.

ANNA LEE

Be still!

She puts her face and mouth on his chest. He stands motionless, looks skyward. She nibbles the badge between her lips and gently lifts it out with her teeth…

… and drops it to the ground.

ANNA LEE

Okay, now, you want to get mine?

Ben looks at her. He hesitates, doesn’t want to get that close, but then steps to her. He leans into her and repeats what she did.

ANNA LEE

Turn around.

He looks askance but then turns. She bends to look at the keyhole on his cuffs which luckily happens to be facing out.

ANNA LEE

This is gonna be tricky, so don’t make it harder.

She kneels and picks up a badge. Her body is balanced and supple as she reaches down behind herself. She springs up with the badge in her hand, the pin at an angle.

ANNA LEE

Hold still.

She backs up to Ben and wipes the pin clean of blood and dirt on his pants. She “accidentally” sticks him in the butt.

BEN

Hey!

ANNA LEE

That’s for not protecting me.

BEN

Prima donna.

She finds the tiny keyhole with her fingernail.

Then, after several futile attempts, she finds it with the pin. She gently inserts it.

She very carefully bends the tip ever so slightly, then inserts it further and turns it. The cuffs spring open.

BEN

(smiling)

Good job, Agent Hafferty!

Ben rubs his wrists, and the bloody spot on his chest.

ANNA LEE

Think you can do it?

BEN

Of course I can. Turn around.

It’s easier doing it hands free. Her cuffs pop open.

BEN

And Bob’s your uncle. Here, put your shirt on.

—————–End Scene—————

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett – Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing:

To be clear about the profile, traits and main subtext of each character. To then be clear about how each of those forms the basis for not only the character but, taken together, also the story. Then to move the story along with each action and dialogue rooted firmly in the profile, traits, and subtext of each character. To see how the profile, traits and subtext of each character interact with those of each of the other characters.

CURRENT

BEN:

CURRENT PROFILE – A forty two year old G.B.I. agent, former MMA champion, loser of the two women who mean most to him, living life as a quest to regain his lost love

CORE TRAITS – Wounded, determined, competent, distrustful

MAIN SUBTEXT – Can’t open up to human connection

ANNA LEE:

CURRENT PROFILE – Thirty-five year old G.B.I. agent who uses martial arts and police skills to catch bad guys

CORE TRAITS – Fighter, collaborative, impatient, loyal

MAIN SUBTEXT – A fierce competitor who conceals her abilities under a feminine persona

MAD DOG:

CURRENT PROFILE – A misguided militia leader bent on taking over the government through violent revolution

CORE TRAITS – Sadistic, violent, idealistic, arrogant

MAIN SUBTEXT – Wants to avenge his dishonorable discharge from the army by toppling the government

REVISED

BEN:

REVISED PROFILE – A wounded man who deals with his pain by pretending it isn’t there; and by fighting and beating up on others

CORE TRAITS – Wounded, competent, distrustful, violent

MAIN SUBTEXT – Lives with a broken heart which he conceals beneath skill and competence

ANNA LEE:

REVISED PROFILE – A killer in sweet clothing

CORE TRAITS –Dedicated, playful, feminine, deadly

MAIN SUBTEXT – More capable than most men; conceals her lethal power under a soft demeanor

MAD DOG:

REVISED PROFILE – The same. I couldn’t come up with anything better. I believe the current profile, traits and subtext of Mad Dog fit the character and the vision of the story

[hilton Garrett]

Logline: John saves Nick and seeks the money

Essence: You can’t trust anybody over here

BEGIN SCENE

EXT. MIDDLE EAST VILLAGE, DARK STREET – NIGHT

Bullets fly. A brown sedan speeds through a cloud of bullets, barely avoids being hit. It careens around a corner, screeches to a halt. John Mackley, the driver, leans toward the open window.

JOHN

Hurry up! Get in!

Nick Doughty steps out from a darkened doorway. He glances toward the sound of the gunshots. Footsteps. The shooters are closing fast.

Nick looks through the window and sees John behind the wheel.

NICK

Where the fuck’s Danny?

JOHN

The same place you’re gonna be if you don’t get in now! Let’s go!

Nick opens the door and falls in. John peels out as two gunmen round the corner. They spray the car with bullets. The back window shatters. A tire blows.

John drives as fast as the car will go on the wobbly tire. Bullets smash into the trunk. Bullets whiz by his head.

JOHN

(to Nick)

Stay down!

After four blocks he takes out a clicker and punches a button. A door rattles up. He turns hard into a garage.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

A beat-up, dust-covered Toyota pickup.

JOHN

That’s our ride! Let’s go!

They climb into the truck. John turns the key. The engine grinds. It won’t fire. He tries again.

NICK

Does this thing run?

John twists the key hard, leans into it. It fires.

Then dies.

NICK

Jesus, they’re gonna be here any second.

John twists the key again. Finally the thing starts.

John pulls out and floors it down a deserted street. The garage door crawls back down.

INT. TRUCK – NIGHT

NICK

So they got Danny?

JOHN

Yeah.

NICK

Fuck!

John looks over at him.

NICK

Let’s give him a moment of silence, alright? I owe him that. I’m gonna close my eyes. You just keep driving.

With Nick’s eyes closed, John drapes his arm across the seat back. He holds a pistol in his right hand. After the moment of silence…

NICK

Move your arm, it’s bothering me.

JOHN

It’s holding a gun to your head.

NICK

What the hell for?

JOHN

Insurance.

NICK

What insurance? You know I broke off from the Taliban.

JOHN

Like that means I can trust you now? You did it so you could take all the money for yourself.

NICK

And now you want it.

JOHN

It’s not for me. It’s for the refugees.

NICK

Yeah, right…. Are you working with them?

JOHN

I don’t exactly work with anyone.

NICK

What are you doing here, then?

JOHN

I’m here on a mission. Right now it’s saving your sorry ass.

NICK

Look, I made a deal with Remi. He gets me out and I tell him where the money is hidden.

JOHN

Remi has abandoned you.

NICK

Whaaat? No way! Why would he do that?

JOHN

He found out on his own. They don’t need you.

NICK

That’s bullshit! I know where it is. They can’t find it without me.

JOHN

They don’t need you, Nick. You’re toast to them. Did you wonder who was shooting at you back there?

NICK

Nah, I’m the only one that knows where the money is, I’m good.

JOHN

Remi’s men, that’s who was shooting at you. Does that make you feel good?

Nick thinks this through. Maybe John is right.

NICK

That son of a bitch. Can’t trust anybody over here.

JOHN

Now might be a good time for you to tell me.

NICK

So you can kill me and take it for yourself? Fuck that.

JOHN

The refugees need it a lot more than I do. And one of them saved my life.

NICK

Still, I tell you, you kill me and then who knoooows where the money goes?

JOHN

I can drop you off back where I picked you up and you can work it out with those guys if you don’t believe me…. But I’m telling you Nick, they don’t need you.

NICK

Maybe they don’t, but you do.

JOHN

That’s why I drove through hell to get to you. Where is it, Nick?

NICK

I want half. That was my deal with Remi.

JOHN

Remi was trying to kill you. So you got squat with him. But… that’s reasonable. I’ll do it.

NICK

And you get me to the airport?

JOHN

If you don’t try something stupid.

NICK

You know me, John. I’d never do that.

JOHN

I do know you, Nick, and the clock is ticking.

NICK

Alright, alright. It’s in a shot-up store at the edge of town.

JOHN

Let’s go.

They come on a war-scarred section of town. Burned-out cars and mortar craters mark a scene of violence.

NICK

That’s it, there, on the corner. Pull over.

John pulls over to the curb. They look around. Nothing.

JOHN

Don’t forget I’ve got a gun on you.

EXT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT

Nick pushes on the metal door. It scrapes along the floor and screeches open. They creep inside on high alert.

INT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT

Nick leads the way. John follows with the gun at Nick’s back.

The place is almost pitch black. Nick feels along the wall and stops at a doorway.

NICK

You got a lighter or something?

John reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Bic. As he does Nick drops to the floor and comes up hard and knocks the gun and lighter from John’s hand. Nick grabs the gun.

John swings a kick to Nick’s head. He misses. Nick shoots.

The bullet grazes John in the side. Off the muzzle flash he dives at Nick and takes him down.

They fight in the dirt on the floor. John gets the gun back and knocks Nick hard up side the head. And once more just because.

He locates the lighter with his foot, and picks it up.

With the gun firmly in one hand, John lights the Bic with the other.

Blood streams down Nick’s face.

JOHN

That was something stupid.

NICK

I had to try.

JOHN

Any more of that you lose your ride to the airport. Get your ass in gear!

NICK

Alright, alright. The money’s in the floor. Under this table.

JOHN

Get it. And if you come out of there with a gun in your hand you’re a dead man.

Nick opens the hatch, reaches in and pulls out a sack.

JOHN

Open it.

Nick opens the bag. He pulls out a pistol. Before he can complete his turn and shoot, John blows him away. One shot to the head.

Nick’s brains and the rest of his body fall to the floor. John collects the bag and the gun and hurries back to the truck.

EXT. DARK STREET – NIGHT

The truck starts this time. John drops it in gear. Remi’s men come flying down the street. A man leans out the window and lets off a burst of shots. John tears off in the Toyota.

Bullets bang and clatter off the truck bed as John disappears around a corner. Remi’s men give chase.

END SCENE

[hilton Garrett]

Logline: Nick and John argue about the money

Essence: You can’t trust anybody over here

EXT. MIDDLE EAST VILLAGE, DARK STREET – NIGHT

Bullets fly. A brown sedan careens around the corner, screeches to a halt. John Mackley, the driver lowers the passenger window.

He leans over toward the open window and drapes his right arm over the seat back.

Nick Doughty steps out from a darkened doorway. He looks through the window and sees John behind the wheel.

JOHN

Get in!

NICK

Where the fuck’s Danny?

JOHN

The same place you’re gonna be if you don’t get in now! Let’s go!

Nick crouches and opens the door and slides in. John peels out just as two gunmen round the corner and spray the car. The back window shatters. A tire blows out.

But it’s still better than being on foot. John urges the car six blocks before he takes out a clicker and punches a button. A door rattles up. He turns hard into the garage.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

A Toyota pickup truck stands in the middle of the floor.

JOHN

That’s our ride! Let’s go!

They climb into the truck. John turns the key and the engine grinds. He tries again.

NICK

Does this thing run?

John twists the key hard, leans into it. It fires and then dies.

NICK

Jesus, they’re gonna be here any second.

John twists the key again. Finally the thing starts.

John pulls out and floors it down a deserted street. The door crawls back down.

INT. TRUCK – NIGHT

NICK

They got Danny?

JOHN

Yeah.

NICK

Fuck!

John looks over at him.

NICK

Let’s give him a moment of silence, alright? I owe him that. I’m gonna close my eyes. You just keep driving.

With Nick’s eyes closed, John drapes his arm across the seat back. He holds a pistol in his right hand. After the moment of silence…

NICK

Move your arm, it’s bothering me.

JOHN

It’s holding a gun to your head.

NICK

What the hell for?

JOHN

Insurance.

NICK

What insurance? You know I broke off from the Taliban.

JOHN

So you could take all the money for yourself.

NICK

And now you want it.

JOHN

It’s not for me. It’s for the refugees.

NICK

Yeah, right…. Are you working with them?

JOHN

I don’t exactly work with anyone.

NICK

What are you doing here, then?

JOHN

I’m here on a mission. Right now it’s saving your sorry ass.

NICK

Look, I made a deal with Remi. He gets me out and I tell him where the money is hidden.

JOHN

Remi has abandoned you.

NICK

Whaaat? No way! Why would he do that?

JOHN

He found out on his own. They don’t need you.

NICK

That’s bullshit! I know where it is. They can’t find it without me.

JOHN

They don’t need you, Nick. You’re toast to them. Did you wonder who was shooting at you back there?

NICK

Nah, I’m the only one that knows where the money is, I’m good.

JOHN

Nick, that’s who was shooting at you. Does that make you feel good?

Nick thinks this through. Maybe John is right.

NICK

That son of a bitch. Can’t trust anybody over here.

JOHN

Now might be a good time for you to tell me.

NICK

So you can kill me and take it for yourself? Fuck that.

JOHN

The refugees need it a lot more than I do.

NICK

Still, I tell you, you kill me and then who knoooows where the money goes?

JOHN

I can drop you off back where I picked you up and you can work it out with those guys if you don’t believe me…. But I’m telling you Nick, they don’t need you.

NICK

Maybe they don’t, but you do.

JOHN

That’s why I came to get you.

Where is it, Nick?

NICK

I want half. That was my deal with Remi.

JOHN

Remi was trying to kill you. So you got squat with him. But I’ll agree to that.

NICK

And you get me to the airport?

JOHN

If you don’t try something stupid.

NICK

It’s in a shot-up store at the edge of town.

JOHN

Let’s go.

They come on a war-scarred section of town. Burned out cars and mortar craters mark a scene of violence.

NICK

That’s it, there, on the corner. Pull over.

John pulls over to the curb. They look around. Nothing.

JOHN

Don’t forget I’ve got a gun on you.

EXT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT

Nick pushes on the metal door. It scrapes along the floor and squeals as it opens. They creep inside on high alert.

INT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT

Nick leads the way. John follows with the gun at Nick’s back.

The place is almost pitch black. Nick feels along the wall and stops at a doorway.

NICK

You got a lighter or something?

John reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Bic. As he does Nick drops to the floor and comes up hard and knocks the gun and lighter from John’s hand. Nick grabs the gun.

Before he can control it John kicks a little to the left of where he last saw Nick’s head. He misses. Nick shoots.

The bullet strikes John in the side. Off the muzzle flash he dives at Nick and takes him down.

They fight in the dirt on the floor. John gets the gun back and knocks Nick hard up side the head. And once more just because.

He locates the lighter with his foot, and picks it up.

With the gun firmly in one hand, John lights the Bic with the other.

Blood streams down Nick’s face.

JOHN

That was something stupid.

NICK

I had to try.

JOHN

Any more of that you lose your ride to the airport.

NICK

The money’s in the floor. Under this table.

JOHN

Get it. And if you come out of there with a gun in your hand you’re a dead man.

Nick opens the hatch, reaches in and pulls out a sack.

JOHN

Open it.

Nick opens the bag. And pulls out a pistol. Before he can complete his turn and shoot John, John blows him away. Nick falls to the floor. John collects the bag and the gun and heads back to the truck.

INT. TRUCK – NIGHT

As he pulls away from the curb Remi’s men drive up. John tears off in the Toyota. Remi’s men give chase. They fire away as John disappears around a corner.

END SCENE

[hilton Garrett]

Andrew, thank you for your critique of my scene.

I like the concept. Very cool making the characters 10 year olds. They already demonstrate the traits they will have (I assumed) as adults. So we can see from your writing that they had either been born with the traits or came to them early. Either way I thought your approach was unique and interesting. I had conceived of them only as adults.

It seems that you demonstrated most of the traits and certainly Robert’s subtext. I can’t find Trent’s subtext though. I do see two instances that might be his subtext — 1.) when Trent tells Robert that he has more of a present for him, and 2.) when Trent tells Tim that this is an expensive phone, but just not sure if that really bespeaks the subtext. (I had trouble with that one myself.)

I was a little confused about Tim’s location at one point. He and Robert exchange comments which would indicate that Tim is in the living room, but then he’s in the bedroom holding the camera. So I didn’t know how to interpret that.

All in all though a fresh and interesting take. High entertainment value. Good job!

[hilton Garrett]

Here’s my scene if anyone would like to critique it….

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Robert has just bought Trent’s ball bearing distribution company.

The post-closing celebration is winding down. Lawyers and secretaries file out. Cake plates and champagne flutes are scattered about.

A crew comes in to clean up as Robert and Trent remain.

One of the cleaning crew, a large and muscular man, catches Trent’s eye. Trent nods.

TRENT

I gotta hand it to you, Bob. You’re a hell of a negotiator.

ROBERT

Coming from a shark like you, that’s a hell of a compliment.

TRENT

That clause you insisted on in the contract….

ROBERT

I wouldn’t have insisted but my lawyers thought it was prudent to include it.

TRENT

The lawyers made you do it, huh?

ROBERT

They’re like women, aren’t they? Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.

TRENT

But who would have thought? “If net revenue decreases by five percent in the quarter prior to closing, the purchase price shall automatically drop by two million dollars”.

ROBERT

Yeah, who knew, right?

TRENT

We’ve never had that kind of drop in sales in one quarter in the forty five year history of the company.

ROBERT

Yeah, that was too bad, I guess.

TRENT

We never expected it to kick in.

ROBERT

You never know.

TRENT

That story in the WSJ about defective parts coming in from China and being re-labeled as our product, made by us in the U.S.A., really clobbered sales. I mean something like that would quite naturally dent customer confidence, wouldn’t it Bob?

ROBERT

It sure could.

TRENT

Even though we managed to keep the big suppliers, the ones that know us well. It’s the small guys, the gas stations and local garages that lost confidence. And we just couldn’t get to all those guys to let them know the rumor was just that – bullshit. And that ended up costing me two million dollars.

ROBERT

That’s just business, Trent. Everything runs in cycles.

TRENT

The thing that baffles me though is where that rumor came from because we never did that.

ROBERT

You know how rumors are, Trent. You never know where one comes from, or who started it.

TRENT

I looked under every mouse pad and every desk chair and every laptop in the company, and there was nothing there. So it had to come from outside the company.

ROBERT

If you’re sure you made a thorough search.

TRENT

I’m pretty sure, Bob. But just that little seed of doubt was all it took to eat away over five percent of profits.

ROBERT

You still got a big payday. Have another glass of Krug and let’s celebrate.

TRENT

You don’t have any idea where it might have come from do you?

ROBERT

Like I said, those things just spring from the earth sometimes, like mushrooms behind a summer rain. Like just from out of nowhere.

TRENT

I didn’t have to sell the company. But I agreed to sell to you because we’re shifting our overall emphasis to greener industries. But now that I sold it, that two million is kinda stuck in my craw.

ROBERT

Maybe a little of this fine champagne will dislodge it.

Robert fills Trent’s glass.

TRENT

Something will eventually.

ROBERT

Well, I for one never believed the rumor. Hell, I wouldn’t have gone through with the deal if I had.

TRENT

Why did you not believe it?

ROBERT

Because I believed in you, Trent. I knew you wouldn’t do anything like that. It was just unfortunate about the rumor. Anyway I propose a toast.

Robert raises his glass.

ROBERT

Here’s to your success! Cheers! And congratulations!

An assistant enters.

ASSISTANT

Trent, excuse me. The bank is on the line. They would like to speak with Robert. Some issue with the funding. It’s being held up.

TRENT

Well that’s no good. Robert, you better talk to them.

ROBERT

(to the assistant)

Can you put the call through?

TRENT

Why don’t you take it in the visitors’ office? There’s more privacy in there. The walls are soundproof.

INT. OFFICE SUITE – HALLWAY – DAY

The assistant walks with Robert to the visitors’ office and closes the door behind him.

INT. VISITORS’ OFFICE – DAY

Robert does not see the two masked men until they start beating him. They continue until they have extracted about two million out of his flesh.

END SCENE

[hilton Garrett]

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The celebration is winding down. Lawyers and secretaries file out. Cake plates and champagne flutes lie scattered about. Someone comes in to clean up as Robert and Trent remain.

One of the cleaning crew catches Trent’s eye. Trent nods.

Robert has just bought Trent’s ball bearing distribution company.

TRENT

I gotta hand it to you, Bob. You’re a hell of a negotiator.

ROBERT

Coming from a shark like you, I take that as a compliment.

TRENT

That clause you insisted on in the contract turned out pretty good for you.

ROBERT

My lawyers thought it was prudent to include it.

TRENT

Who would have thought? “If net revenue decreases by five percent in the quarter prior to closing, the purchase price shall automatically drop by two million dollars”.

ROBERT

It came in handy for sure.

TRENT

I agreed to let it stay in because we’ve never had that kind of drop in sales in one quarter in the forty five year history of the company.

ROBERT

Yeah, that was too bad, I guess.

TRENT

We never expected it to kick in.

ROBERT

You never know.

TRENT

That story in the WSJ about defective parts coming in from China and being re-labeled as our product, made in the U.S., really knocked sales in the head. And that ended up costing me two million dollars.

ROBERT

That’s business, Trent.

TRENT

I’m just curious where that rumor came from.

ROBERT

You know how rumors are, Trent. You never know where one comes from, or who started it.

TRENT

I’ve looked under every mousepad and desk chair and laptop in the company, and there was nothing there. So it had to come from outside the company.

ROBERT

If you’re sure you made a thorough search.

TRENT

I’m pretty sure, Bob.

ROBERT

Well, have a glass and just enjoy your big payday and don’t worry about it.

TRENT

You don’t have any idea where it might have come from do you?

ROBERT

Like I said, those things just spring from the earth sometimes, like mushrooms after a rain.

TRENT

Robert, I could buy and sell you from my pocket change. We didn’t need the company anymore with our change in direction, and that’s why I agreed to sell it to you. But that two million is kinda stuck in my craw.

ROBERT

Maybe a little champagne will dislodge it.

TRENT

Something will.

ROBERT

Well, it’s a great day!

Robert raises his glass.

ROBERT

Cheers! And congratulations!

An assistant enters.

ASSISTANT

Trent, the bank is on the line. They would like to speak with Robert. Something about holding up funding.

TRENT

That’s ominous. Robert you better talk to them.

ROBERT

Can you put the call through?

TRENT

Why don’t you take it in the visitors’ office? You can have some privacy in there. The walls are soundproof.

The assistant shows Robert to the visitors’ office and closes the door behind him. Robert does not see the two masked men until they start beating him. They continue until the two million has been beat out of his flesh.

END SCENE

[hilton Garrett]

MAXIMUM INTEREST — INTEREST TECHNIQUES

What I learned: To look more closely at each scene to see how more interest techniques can be built in as I re-write.

LOGLINE – Everything looks worse in black and white.

ESSENCE – Ben’s first encounter with Jaimie (now called Jenny) in thirteen years, reveals her to be a much different person than the one he remembers.

TECHNIQUES USED – Suspense, Major Twist, Uncertainty, Intrigue.

NOTE: Ben has just pulled Jenny from a burning truck.

SCENE:

EXT. MILITIA ENCAMPMENT – STAGING AREA – NIGHT

He gently lays Jenny on the ground just as…

… the Hummer explodes.

Jenny looks up at Ben. His face, lit by the fire from the explosion, is full of pain and longing.

JENNY

(groggy and shaken)

You followed me here!

BEN

No. I didn’t. I didn’t know you were here. I had no idea where you were.

JENNY

Then why are you here?

BEN

Blind luck. I never stopped looking for you though. You don’t know how many thousands of times I’ve wanted to touch you. Hold you. Every time a woman who looked a little like you walked by, my heart would jump, and I would think for a second that it was you. And then it wasn’t, but then the scab was ripped off and the hole you left inside me was still there.

JENNY

You’re making me sick.

BEN

Why did you leave me?

JENNY

I left you Benny. Can’t you get that through your head? What else do you need to know?

BEN

I need to know why! Why, Jaimie? I loved you. You could have said something. Anything. Losing you was bad enough but not knowing why, or what happened, or where you were was worse. That was almost unbearable. Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have lived with that. Anything but never knowing what happened.

JENNY

I didn’t want to negotiate. My mind was made up.

BEN

Buy why, Jenny, why?

JENNY

You were just a real small town boy, Benny. Probably end up a high school shop teacher or something. And I couldn’t settle for that. And I didn’t have to. I met Mad Dog, okay? He was exciting. He started planning something like this when he got out of the army. He liked me, and he wanted me to be part of it. And he said if I was coming I had to burn my past life. Including you. Especially you. So we changed our names and wiped out our history. We have an important mission, and for that I’ve already killed you off in my mind. Mad Dog said I had to do that. That’s all you need to know.

BEN

What are you doing this for, Jenny?

JENNY

Are you kidding me? We’re the last line of defense.

BEN

Defense of what?

JENNY

See? That’s what I mean. You never could see the big picture.

BEN

Maybe we’ve both changed some.

JENNY

We’re gonna take over the government, Benny. The whole damn government. Think about that! Mad Dog’ll be the commander of the southern region, and I’ll be the First Lady. And who knows? Maybe someday he’ll be the Supreme Commander.

BEN

You really believe that?

JENNY

You could see for yourself if you weren’t so small-minded.

BEN

What I see is your little world crashing down on top of you.

JENNY

Mad Dog says there will be battles. We have to be strong.

BEN

I don’t remember you this way. I think Mad Dog poisoned your mind.

JENNY

He wanted me to be part of it. And he wanted me for himself. And Ben, I gotta tell you, he’s a man.

BEN

That’s sure good to know…. But you broke my heart.

JENNY

Get over it. You don’t know me, Benny Smith. You never really did. We’re taking this nationwide. And nothing can stop us. So good riddance, Benny Smith. Go fuck yourself.

Ben takes the necklace out of his pocket.

BEN

What about this, Jaimie? Does this have any meaning for you?

Shocked, she stares at the necklace.

JENNY

Where’d you get that?

BEN

You really want to know? I found it with the bones of a dead girl.

JENNY

No!… No!! Where was she?

BEN

Not far from here. A few miles down the trail. On the mountain. What do you know about it?

JENNY

Nothing! I don’t know anything about it! I gave it away!

BEN

Who’d you give it to, Jaimie?

JENNY

Nobody! None of your business! What the hell are you doing here anyway?! How did you find me?!

BEN

It’s not too late to get out of this, Jaimie.

JENNY

It’s Jenny, goddammit!

BEN

Help us get out of here, and come with us. I can save you.

JENNY

You better be worried about saving yourself.

BEN

Yeah, I am a little. But Jenny, listen to me. This is not going to end well for you. This little band of misfits cannot take on the United States government and win. You really should understand that. This is an armed insurrection in the making, and you’re gonna get hurt if you keep on with it. Please let me help you.

JENNY

I don’t need your help. We are taking over the government.

BEN

You really believe that, don’t you?

JENNY

Because it’s true!

Ben looks at her. It’s no use. He pivots.

BEN

Alright then, Jaimie. Just one more thing. The dead girl?… She had a bullet hole in her head.

JENNY

Whaaat?! Benny Smith, you do nothing but bring me misery! I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now leave me alone. And stay out of my life! I’m never gonna be with you…. I’m gonna leave now, and go find Mad Dog.

BEN

I’ve got a gun pointed at you.

JENNY

You won’t use it.

Ben’s thumb on the hammer. It clicks back. Jenny moves to get up. A little shaky but stable enough. She looks Ben in the eye, not at the gun.

She gains her balance, turns and walks away. The same carelessly sexy, athletic walk he remembers. He watches her.

He raises the gun, looks down the sights, takes dead aim at the middle of her back, holding… holding… squinting… just a little squeeze….

He lifts the muzzle and fires off a round into the night sky. Jenny walks on.

Anna Lee reappears. She saw the whole thing.

END SCENE

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to understand that a person’s traits manifest in almost all their speech and action, and therefore to write dialog and action directly from their traits.

Person 1: Friendly, Needy, Narcissistic, Unaware of how others see him

This person regularly posts insignificant life events as though he just won the Boston Marathon or something, and we should all jump up and down and clap for him. He wants to be recognized as important and special. He is kind and generous with his time but almost always with a hidden hook. A conversation with him is always friendly, but with an undercurrent of needing to be recognized for his “greatness”.

Person 2: Charming, Worldly, Legalistic, Disloyal

Person 2 is from an old-money Atlanta family. Person 2 embodies the grace and ease of inherited social status, along with an assumed superiority over others which allows him to do hurtful things with no apparent regard for the other simply because he is entitled. He is a lawyer who sues his “friends” who have “wronged him”, rather than working out his complaint in a face-to-face and congenial manner. He shows up the same way all the time, with a smile and a kind word, and then drops a lawsuit on a friend for his perceived wrongdoing.

Person 3: Skilled, Competent, Friendly, Racist

Person 3 is one of the most capable people I know. He is excellent at his job, thoughtful and able to see solutions. He is friendly and socially prominent. He is also an out-and-out racist. This does not always appear but when something comes up – such as going to a cigar bar (our old one closed) owned by two Black men, and frequented by other Blacks (mainly stylish and successful folks) he won’t go because he intensely dislikes Black people. That trait is not likely to change.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton puts Essence to work

What I learned: Looking at a scene through the filter of essence brings the scene into sharper focus

Script I choose: Bloody Sedition

Scene 1 Location: Act I, In the gym
Logline: Ben fights Sanders, meets Anna Lee
Essence I’ve discovered: Ben hides his pain by beating people in the ring
New Logline: Ben acts out of his inner pain and is challenged by Leroy about his holding on to a lost love.

Scene 2 Location: Act 2, On the trail

Logline: Ben and Anna Lee hike and bicker and get to know one another

Essence I’ve discovered: Ben needs to establish domination and control

New Logline: Anna Lee stands up to Ben

Scene 3 Location Act 2, At the trailside campsite

Logline: Ben thinks he’s in control

Essence I’ve discovered: Anna Lee learns Ben’s mother died when he was nine

New Logline: Ben hides his inner pain but Anna Lee sees through his defenses

Scene 4: Location: Act 2, At the river crossing

Logline: Ben and Anna Lee cross the river. Lucas the dog falls in

Essence I’ve discovered: Ben loses Lucas, the last remaining object of his love

New Logline: Shaky peace is destroyed by tragedy

Scene 5: Location: Act 3, Locked Up

Logline: Ben and Anna Lee face their confinement

Essence I’ve discovered: Out of necessity Ben starts to see Anna Lee more as a partner

New Logline: Facing imminent execution Ben and Anna Lee plot their escape

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton finds the Essence

What I learned is that the essence of a scene must be rooted in the essence of the script itself in order to deliver on the premise. The scene must replicate the essence of the characters.

Script I choose: Ford v Ferrari, by Jez Butterworth, John-Henry Butterworth and Jason Keller

Scene 1 Location: Ext. Le Mans Gran Prix, Early in the First Act
Logline: Shelby is intent on winning Le Mans

Essence: We first meet Carroll Shelby as a no-nonsense, determined character unlikely to let much stand in his way. Shelby has caught fire during a pit stop. His crew thinks he should withdraw. His view: I’m not on fire now, and I’m going back out there.

Scene 2 Location: Ext. Mulholland Drive, also early in the first act

Logline: Shelby deals with bad news

Essence: Having just been told he can’t race anymore Shelby does exactly that. He takes out his frustration on the road in traffic at 130 MPH. The V.O. reveals that Shelby knows the true essence of racing.

Scene 3 Location: Int. Miles’s garage, also early in the first act

Logline: Miles is prickly and also loving

Essence: When an irate customer confronts Miles about the condition of his car, we learn that Miles is a skilled mechanic dedicated to the proper functioning of high-performance automobiles. He has little tolerance for either the customer’s automotive limitations or his point of view. Miles has a loving wife and son, and is dedicated to his family.

Scene 4 Location: Int. Miles’s family station wagon

Logline: Don’t lie to me

Essence: Trust. Miles’s little family is beset with many problems – financial, danger (inherent in Miles’s driving, Miles’s ambitions, and others. But Mollie can deal with all that because she loves him. But she cannot tolerate less than honesty from him

Scene 5 Ext. LAX Test Track/Int. GT 40

Logline: Shelby bets the farm

Essence: Shelby is determined to have Miles driving Le Mans. Ford executives are dead set against it. Shelby takes Mr. Ford for a drive and presents a proposition. Mr. Ford accepts. It’s actually a bet. If Shelby wins the bet Miles drives Le Mans. If he loses, Ford takes full ownership of his company and fires him and Miles

My selection for the most profound scene: Scene 4

Essence: Trust. Miles’s little family is beset by many problems – financial, danger (inherent in Miles’s driving), Miles’s ambitions, and others. But Mollie can deal with all that so long as he is honest with her and treats her as a partner, because she loves him

I believe that is the essence of this scene because it demonstrates her devotion to Miles and her unwillingness to accept less than full partnership. It is profound because it shows the deep and abiding love each has for the other in the face of significant trials. IMHO a truly great scene. As are most in this movie

INT. THE MILES FAMILY STATION WAGON. DAY
Mollie drives. Farmers’ market shopping on the backseat. Ken
has a brown bag on his lap, eating chips like a teenager.

MILES
You want some of these?

MOLLIE
No. I’m fine.

Ken looks out of the window and yawns.

MOLLIE (cont’d)
So.. Back late last night.

MILES
Working late.

MOLLIE
Work?

MILES
Uh huh.

Mollie stares ahead. Not happy.

MOLLIE
Didn’t..go anyplace?

MILES
What?

MOLLIE
I’m asking did you go anyplace? Last
night.

MILES
Mollie.

MOLLIE
Simple question.

MILES
And I answered it.

MOLLIE
And the answer is?

MILES
I didn’t go anyplace.

Silence. Mollie is a stone.

MILES (CONT’D)

Honey, is something up?

Mollie puts her foot on the gas. The car speeds up.

MILES (CONT’D)
No — Uh. You going too fast, Moll.

MOLLIE
Am I?

MILES
Yes. Slow up. ‘The hell is this?

MOLLIE
You tell me. See I don’t know.

Mollie swerves into oncoming traffic to overtake then back.

MILES
Look out! Whoa!! Are you nuts?

MOLLIE
Maybe. Are you?

MILES
Baby for God sake slow down.

MOLLIE
Why? Thought we love this shit.

MILES
What?

MOLLIE
Just having a little racing fun.

MILES
What?? This isn’t the same thing!!?
The truck, the truck! Jesus.

MOLLIE
I think it’s thrilling.

MILES
Too close! Honey please-
MOLLIE
I saw you! OK? I saw you leaving with
Shelby and I saw you coming back.

MILES
OK. Shit. OK.

MOLLIE
All day you’ve got that goofy look on
your face.

MILES
Goofy? Me? Shit would you slow down.

MOLLIE
Only if you tell me what’s going on-

MILES
-I went to take a look at a car.

MOLLIE
With Shelby?

MILES
Yes with Shelby.

MOLLIE
A race car?

Mollie stamps on the gas. Wangs the steering wheel around.

MILES
Maybe.

MOLLIE
Corner coming, hang on.

Shopping goes flying. Miles hangs on for dear life. The
station wagon careens onto the highway around an on ramp.

MILES
Mother of God did you lift off at all
through that?

MOLLIE
Me I like a clean racing line.

MILES
OK. Shel offered me a job! Ford’s got
a car they want to put up against
Ferrari in the GT class.

MOLLIE
You told me you quit!

MILES
I haven’t said yes!

MOLLIE
You told me you were done! Fat and old
you said! Fat and old. You told me
that.

Mollie starts to slow. She brakes and pulls over to the side
of the PCH. Looks out at the ocean waves crashing below.
Her knuckles still white on the steering wheel staring ahead.

MILES
Baby. I don’t understand. Are you
upset because I said I was done or
because I looked at a race car?

Mollie fights the emotions boiling inside her. Then-

MOLLIE
Don’t lie to me, Ken! Don’t lie about
what you feel or what you want because
you think the lie will make me happy!

MILES
Baby. I don’t even know what I feel.

MOLLIE
And if you do this, make sure it’s
worth it. Worth the worry. Worth the
fear. Worth it all.

Ken looks her in the eyes. He looks totally open. Calm.

MILES
It is.

Mollie looks like something in her breaks. Shit.

MOLLIE
He better be paying you. Not like last
time. ‘Cause I can’t work any more
hours and look after Petey. The IRS
has the keys to our garage–

MILES
It’s $200 a day plus expenses.

Mollie looks up. Stops crying.

MOLLIE
Shit. Really? That–
MILES
I know.

Silence. Off her stare–

MILES (cont’d)
I haven’t decided.

MOLLIE
$200 a day? Are you nuts

Miles starts laughing. Mollie laughs through her tears. A<br role=”presentation”> mess of conflicting emotions. They embrace. The waves crash.

MILES<br role=”presentation”> We’re gonna be OK.

MOLLIE<br role=”presentation”> I hate you.

MILES<br role=”presentation”> I hate you too baby.

They kiss.

[hilton Garrett]

hilton garrett

i agree to the terms of the agreement.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[hilton Garrett]

Hey, y’all, my name is Hilton. I live in Atlanta. I’ve written four scripts, executive-produced two movies, and have two children in the film business, one in front of the camera, one behind. I’m currently polishing the last script I wrote (in the WIM class last year) and I believe this class — if it’s what I believe it to be — will greatly assist in that process. I’m looking forward to learning.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett; Likeability/Relatability/Empathy

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: Each of these lessons takes me to a deeper understanding of the story and the characters themselves. Of course we want to show these qualities in our characters. I just hadn’t thought of it quite like this. That’s another reason I’m taking the course.

Protagonist Benny Smith

Likeability: Benny speaks respectfully to his girlfriend. His girlfriend likes him and admires his courage. He shows affection for his dog. Later jumps in the river to save the dog. He fights off the bear.

Relatability: His weekend plans are disrupted by the bear showing up. He faces extreme danger and shows courage. We’d like to be like that.

Empathy: His dog drowns in the river, and we are saddened by the loss. He lost his mother as a young boy. He lost his girlfriend that he gave the necklace to. Life has dealt him some crappy hands, but he is not a victim. He just wants to set things right. So do we.

__________________________

Antagonist Mad Dog Dillard (formerly Bird Dog Dillard)

Likeability: He seems to be having fun being a militia leader.

Relatability: He has a commanding presence and people follow him.

Empathy: Benny arrives at the militia encampment and Mad Dog recognizes him as a threat to his plans. We can maybe empathize with a violent man committed to chaos and destruction having his plans threatened? I don’t know. There ain’t much good that I can see about Mad Dog Dillard.

———–end assignment————-

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Character Intrigue

20220624

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: That everybody has intrigue, mostly hidden, always impactful in one or another way, and that identifying that intrigue makes possible the development of each character in a deeper and more engaging way than without the intrigue. I learned that intrigue is essential to a character’s arc within the story.

Character Name: Benny Smith, protagonist

Intrigue Items: Unspoken wound, Hidden agenda

Benny was deeply damaged by his mother’s death when he was ten. Then later as he began to heal from that loss, he was ghosted by the girl he loved, and another wound cut deep into his psyche. These events led him to adopt a hidden agenda which is never to trust women again. Now when he discovers the gold charm that he gave that girl years ago around the neck of a skeleton in the woods in the mountains of north Georgia he is ripped out of his contrived and ephemeral sense of guarded protection and is thrown headlong back into the second-most traumatic event of his life. He can no longer cover up his pain. He has to know how the necklace came to be on the neck of a dead girl. And who is the girl? It’s not Jamie, the girl that he gave the necklace to. But who is it, and how did she come to have that very necklace around the bones of her neck? Things become even worse when Benny learns that Jamie is now living in these same mountains with the leader of a militia group bent on destruction and mayhem. These buried wounds emerge from the darkness of Benny’s past into the present, and uncover in him a pounding need to finally know the truth and heal his past. He must now confront the psychic maggots growing in his wound, and face off with the former girlfriend and her well-armed and murderous militia boyfriend, all while his life is in the balance. But that doesn’t matter. He can’t hide from it any longer.

Character Name: Anna Lee Connor, supporting

Intrigue Items: Deception, Secret identity

Anna Lee is a former stripper. She worked her way through law school with nightly tips from her gig at various strip clubs, as well as an occasional all-night engagement with a high-roller client. Hey, there aren’t that many 20 year old virgins anymore anyway, right? So what the heck? It paid the bills and got her a degree, but now 12 years later she is afraid of being found out. She knows Benny would be good for her, and she wants a permanent relationship; call it marriage or not, just permanent. She tries to be what Benny wants within being true to herself, but she doesn’t actually know what Benny’s hang-up is, even though his hesitancy to commit is obvious. She also doesn’t know how to navigate around whatever his hang-up might be. Nevertheless she stands with him as he confronts his former girlfriend, and moreover when he fights the militia. She proves to be a capable ally in a deadly environment, and as Benny begins to heal his wounds he realizes that she might indeed be a woman he can trust. She has to decide whether to tell him about her past.

———-end assignment——–

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Subtext Characters

20220621

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: I learned to look at the characters in a different way than before; to look deeper into the past of each character and discovering ways that their past influences the present.

EXAMPLE MOVIE

Ford vs. Ferrari

Written by J and J-H Butterworth, and Jason Keller

Character Name: Ken Miles

Subtext Identity: A great race car driver who irritates most people

Subtext trait: Prickly and argumentative

Subtext logline: Ken is a race car driver whose prickly personality affects his career

Possible areas /subtext: With Shelby, with Beebe, with other drivers

MY MOVIE

Character name: Benny Smith

Subtext identity; An ordinary man hurt by loss and rejection as a child, and as a teenager

Subtext trait: Skeptical and untrusting of women, longing for connection

Subtext logline: Benny is an everyman who lost his mother at age eight and was rejected by his high school sweetheart causing him to distrust relationships and become a workaholic

Possible areas/subtext: With Anna Lee, with his work, with Jaime

Character Name: Anna Lee

Subtext Identity: A former ballerina who was molested by her instructor

Subtext trait: Controlling, wary but longing for connection

Subtext logline: Anna Lee, innocence shattered at age 14 tries to live a normal life but when challenged reverts to a strong and hard protective shield

Possible areas/subtext: With Benny, with Jaime

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Actor Attractors

20220620

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: One thing that came crystal clear is that my concept is nowhere on the scale as good as my example movie (Ford vs. Ferrari). In fact it’s really lame. This lesson exposed the depth that I need to reach, the complexity, the subtext, the character definition, on and on. But this is where it is at the moment, and even though I can see the deficiency of my own, I now have a much clearer picture of what I need to do to bring it up. This was a turning point.

Actor Attractors for my movie

Title: Unspeakable Testimony

Genre: Action, Romance

Concept: A hiker discovers a human skeleton in the woods and recognizes a gold charm he gave his girlfriend in high school, and discovers that she is now living with a violent militia leader who, along with his little army is plotting chaos and destruction.

Lead Character’s actor attractors

(in order as they appear on the list in the assignment)

1. Range of expression, from a somewhat bewildered wonderment about what is going on to self-discovery through sadness and loss, anxiety, anger, determination and ultimately disregard for all but the mission.

2. Fighting the bear, going in the river to save his dog, losing the dog and confronting his sadness, digging up facts about the militia, facing his past with Jaime while also dealing with Anna Lee, struggling with deciding what to do about the militia, breaking in to the militia compound, fighting militia members and getting beat up, locked up in the compound, finding a way to get free, showdown with Bird Dog, the head of the militia, becoming free of his past and able to be with Anna Lee.

3. Fighting off the bear, crossing the river, jumping into the river to save the dog, infiltrating the militia, confronting the militia leader, fighting the militia, blowing up the compound.

4. Facing off against a hungry bear at his campsite in the mountains with his girlfriend.

5. Heartache and loss to righteous rage and determination.

6. The right/wrong struggle in life/society. An ordinary man facing lethal extremist views. Wanting to love Anna Lee but stuck in his past hurt.

7. With Anna Lee

8. Holding back on Anna Lee, holding on to Jaime. Arguing with the sheriff. Arguing with Bird Dog, fighting Bird Dog after he becomes clear about the stakes. Standing up for what he knows is right even though it might kill him.

9. He doesn’t want to go on this journey but integrity demands it so he embraces the demand and undergoes a transformation along the way.

———-end assignment————

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Four Act Transformational Structure

Module 2 Lesson 6

20220614

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: The importance of maximizing genre conventions.

Title: Unspeakable Testimony

Concept:

A hiker, Benny Smith, discovers a human skeleton in the woods, and recognizes a gold charm he gave his girlfriend in high school.

Genre: Action

Action Conventions: Adrenaline-stirring; fast paced

Demand for action

Mission

Escalating action

Hero

Antagonist

Main Conflict:

Protagonist Benny Smith wants to know why the girl, Jaime, he gave the necklace to ghosted him. The man she is now living with is a militia leader bent on destruction. Benny is a threat and must be eliminated.

Old Ways:

No commitment to much of anything.

Just drifting along, stuck in the past pain of rejection.

Doesn’t trust relationships

New Ways:

Courage and determination to bring down the militia.

Now able to love and be loved.

Act 1:

Opening: Militia is training, obliterating targets with AR-15 gunfire

Inciting Incident: Benny and Anna Lee camping and hiking. Benny finds the bones

Turning Point: Benny finds the necklace, reports the skeleton to sheriff

Act 2:

New plan: Benny decides to return to the sheriff’s office. Jaime sees him

Plan in action: Benny goes back to the site of the bones

Midpoint Turning Point: Militia comes in a helicopter to retrieve the bones and Benny sees Jaime (to whom he gave the necklace) for the first time in 20 years.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: The sheriff is in on it. Benny has no allies. He discovers that the militia plans to bomb a Black Lives Matter rally in Atlanta. Alone with Anna Lee and without resources he must act

New plan: Benny and Anna Lee infiltrate the militia compound where militia is testing explosive techniques, blowing up an old car. They take weapons from the militia armory and use them as the militia closes in

Turning Point: Huge

Failure / Major shift: The militia captures Bennie and Anna Lee. Nobody is coming to help them

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate

expression of the conflict:

Benny gets free and confronts Bird Dog and Jaime. They argue, fight. Benny gets the upper hand. Benny and Anna Lee run to escape. As they are leaving Benny wires the explosives in the armory to explode in five minutes. They are captured again. The clock ticks as they struggle

Resolution:

Benny and Anna Lee finally escape and as they drive away the compound blows up in the background. Benny is now free to actually be with Anna Lee without the wound of his past.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Four Act Transformational Structure

20220612

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: That by identifying these elements in the outline the structure takes shape.

Concept:

A hiker, Benny Smith, camping with his girlfriend, discovers a human skeleton in the woods, and recognizes a gold charm he gave his girlfriend in high school.

Main Conflict:

Antagonist Benny Smith wants to know why the girl he gave the necklace to, Jaime, ghosted him. The man she is now living with is a militia leader bent on destroying government property and all government. Benny is a threat and must be eliminated.

Old Ways:

No commitment to much of anything.

Just drifting along, stuck in the past pain of rejection.

Doesn’t trust relationships

New Ways:

Courage and determination to bring down the militia.

Now able to love and be loved.

Act 1:

Opening: Benny and Anna Lee camping and hiking

Inciting Incident: Benny finds the bones

Turning Point: Benny finds the necklace

Act 2:

New plan: Benny decides to return to the sheriff’s office

Plan in action: Benny goes back to the site of the bones

Midpoint Turning Point: Militia comes to retrieve the bones and Benny sees Jaime (to whom he gave the necklace) for the first time in 20 years.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: The sheriff is in on it. Benny has no allies. He discovers that the militia plans to blow up the Federal Reserve building in Atlanta. Alone with Anna Lee he must act.

New plan: Benny and Anna Lee infiltrate the militia compound.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

Bennie and Anna Lee are captured. Nobody is coming to help them.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

Benny gets free and confronts Bird Dog and Jaime. They argue, fight. Benny gets the upper hand.

Resolution: Benny and Anna Lee escape.As they drive away the compound blows up in the background. Benny is now free to actually be with Anna Lee without the wound of his past.

[hilton Garrett]

Hilton Garrett, Intentional Lead Characters

20220605

My vision: I will learn and use the lessons of this course to write marketable scripts that producers love.

What I learned: To think about the characters in terms of how their identity and actions work together to support the concept and title. Once again, this is a valuable distinction I had not thought of.

______________

Title: Unspeakable Testimony

Character: Benny (Benjamin Franklin) Smith

My protagonist is a man who on a hike in the mountains discovers a skeleton wearing a necklace that he gave to his girlfriend in high school, and becomes determined to learn what happened, and who is the skeleton?

Unique: A single-minded determination to follow the trail of breadcrumbs to the answer.

_____________

Character: “Bird Dog” Finley

My antagonist is a militia leader and the lover of the protagonist’s ex-girlfriend who does not want any inquiry into the identity and circumstances leading to the death of the now skeleton.

Unique: Bird Dog has the men and the firepower, if not the brains, to carry out an insurrection, and might be planning just that.

______________

Character: Anna Lee

Anna Lee is the current girlfriend of the protagonist who wants to be more than his girlfriend.

[hilton Garrett]

Hey everyone,

My name is Hilton Garrett, and I’m looking forward to working with y’all in this class.

I’ve written two feature scripts and one pilot. None produced. Yet. I hope to change that in this class.

Nothing much remarkable about me. I just want to write powerful, engaging scripts and get them produced.

Glad to be part of the group.

[hilton Garrett]

<div>Hilton Garrett
</div><div>

I agree to the terms of this release form.

</div>

[hilton Garrett]

I’m Hilton. I’ve written three scripts. Looking to deepen my characters’ expression and story.

I’ve executive-produced two feature films, one of which was a hit at Sundance.

[hilton Garrett]

Robert, this is Hilton Garrett. I’ll exchange with you. My email address is hiltonga@gmail.com.

[hilton Garrett]

Audrey, I’m starting a new class with Hal, and going through the set-up stuff I came across your critique of my post from the WIM class. I had not seen it before today. A very belated thanks for your comments. You were exactly right – that would have helped the scene immensely. Thank you

[hilton Garrett]

Chris, I’m in the class also, and I noticed your last name. I’ve known only one person with that last name and I wondered if you might be related. His name is Torry (sp?) Confer. Just curious if you know him. We served together in the Army. He was my company commander at Ft. Lewis, Washington, not sure where he is from

[hilton Garrett]

Audrey, what a terrific scene!

I’m immediately there. I can see and feel the anguish in Renee’s discovery. the dilemma she faces, Maxine’s paranoia, emotional wound and her snobbishness and trickery in trying to get Renee to cover up the incident.

I think I saw Renee’s traits too, but what stands out to me is the extensive use of interest techniques. And whatever you may have omitted is to me irrelevant because you wrote such a compelling scene. If that were to be an opening scene in a full-length script I would most definitely keep reading. You hooked the inquiring minds. Good job!

[hilton Garrett]

Shelley, thank you for critiquing my scene.

I really like what you wrote. There is a complex and rich texture that shows up throughout, beginning with the setting. Especially the setting. Your writing is clear and evocative. I had no trouble seeing the scene. And the layers of texture made it highly engaging.

I love your characterization of Robert, still living off some high school highlights nearly 20 years later. And still talking – bragging – about it all these years later. Like, what have you done since, dude? Trent is not immune to that either it seems, although he does seem to have done a little more since then.

I could so see Kitty. Vivid depiction of her. In fact the entire scene pulls me into the action. The flow of dialogue seems effortless and real. I really like what you did. Good job!