[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to keep looking for scenes where I can add comedy situations plus physical humor, sight gags and punchlines.

Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.

Scene: Jerry has tracked his crooked ex-partner to the Grand Cayman Islands and forced him to do Slaughter’s books in a way that exposes all his crimes. He waits for the plane that will get him back to Slaughter before the deadline he set. When his plane is cancelled, Jerry recognizes a cartel boss from the major Cayman bank he went to and approaches him.

Comedic Surprise
Jerry offers him Slaughter’s watch in exchange for a ride on his private jet.
Punchline
Jerry quotes Slaughter, calling it a ‘paddock’. The boss corrects him and identifies it as a $50,000 Patek Philippe. Jerry almost chokes.
Forced Union of Incompatibles
The drug boss agrees to the exchange.
Comedic Tragedy
On the plane, Jerry calls old friend Sophia Ma, a Treasury agent, and request she meets him when he lands. Suspicious, the drug boss pulls a gun, takes the phone and demands to know who he’s talking to.
Misinterpretation
Not knowing who it is, she answers “Ma”. The man returns the phone, thinking Jerry is talking with his mother.
Absurd Behavior
The man slaps his two grown sons, asking why they haven’t called THEIR mother like the good son Jerry.
Topper
Jerry tells Ma he’s bringing something for her. The boss slaps his sons again for not bringing something for their mother.
Comedic Tragedy
He grabs the thick envelope as evidence of Jerry’s gift but then questions Jerry as to what it is.
Topper
Jerry answers “A book; she loves reading.” The man shrugs and tells his sons they’re off the hook because their mother doesn’t read. Then he hits them with the envelope saying, “But you should have brought her SOMETHING!” He tosses it back to Jerry, saying “Kids today…”

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to keep looking for ways to escalate the humor.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.

Toppers
At Slaughter’s club, his henchmen overhear Jerry speaking into his phone and think he’s an undercover Fed.
They follow him into the restroom and demand he turn away from the urinal and show them what he’s got; he thinks they want to compare ‘manhood’ sizes
They insult his 70’s style puffy shirt before tearing it open.
They spot a mole on his chest and, thinking it’s a microphone, rip it off.

Running Gags:
In the first scene, Slaughter’s men dangle a man out of a 10th story window to get him to sign a contract. The do the same to Jerry at his office and then realize they’re on the ground floor.
Jerry calls his old friend Sophia Ma, a Treasury agent for advice on Slaughter’s audit. When Jerry hitches a plane ride from a cartel member, he calls her to meet him at the airport. When the cartel members demand to know who he’s calling, he shows them the contact number says “MA’ and that it’s his mother.
Jerry accidentally scoops up a cop’s badge when he intrudes on the man in the middle of a bondage session. He later flashes the badge to a bank manager to get him to give up his partner’s current whereabouts.
The rap lingo Slaughter used to intimidate him is now used against the bank manager as well.
When Jerry finally turns over the tax audit to Slaughter, he really IS wearing a wire.
Once Claudia takes over Slaughter’s club, Jerry gets to perform the rap poetry that was always dissed by his instructor.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to brainstorm actions and props.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.

Scene: MC Slaughter arrives at the Madden/Wheeler offices to get his books cooked for an upcoming audit.

INT. OFFICE – DAY
MC Slaughter barges in with a large ledger under his arm.
SLAUGHTER: Yo, what up?
OLD LADY: Excuse me, I was talking.
SLAUGHTER: Yeah, you done now.
He spins her wheelchair around and flings her out the door. He then spots the cat on Jerry’s desk.
SLAUGHTER: Aw, is that your little kitty?
JERRY: Actually, it’s hers.
SLAUGHTER: OK. In that case…
He scoops up the cat, hurls it out and slams the door.
SLAUGHTER: Where Madden at?
JERRY: Ben? Well, it’s really not like him, but he texted me the other day to say he was going on vacation.
SLAUGHTER: Huh. So you the man now.
JERRY Well, I only handle the clients he doesn’t want.
SLAUGHTER: But he gone now so that means you my man. See, I’m kinda under a deadline. Check that out.
He drops the ledger on Jerry’s desk.
SLAUGHTER: That’s a lotta paperwork ‘cause I’m what you call an Entrepreneur. That means I do all kinda shit.
JERRY: I’m familiar with the term.
Slaughter saunters around the room.
SLAUGHTER: Rapper, club owner,. record producer, pharmaceuticalist…
JERRY: I’m sorry, what?
SALUGHTER: Got my own brand o’ weed. And I’m expandin’…takin’ over other people’s businesses.
JERRY: You mean like mergers and acquisitions.
SLAUGHTER: Yeah, I tell ‘em we mergin’ and they don’t have nothin’ to say about it, you feel me?
JERRY: Uh…
Slaughter leans on Jerry’s desk and goes face to face.
SLAUGHTER: Bottom line, I can’t be waitin’ on Ben to get back from his vacay, you feel me?
Jerry tentatively touches Slaughter’s arm.
JERRY: Yes.
SLAUGHTER: What you doin’?
He withdraws his hand.
JERRY: Sorry, I thought you meant…
SLAUGHTER: Looka here,,,
He reaches into his coat’s breast pocket and pulls out the pistol.
JERRY: AAHH!!!
SLAUGHTER: Relax. I was just reachin’ for this.
He sets the pistol down on Jerry’s desk and pulls out a wad of cash and drops it on the desk.
SLAUGHTER: That should cover everything.
JERRY: Well, writing a check after services are rendered is the way it usually works.
SLAUGHTER: Naw, I do my bidness in cash. Whatchoo say, Jerry?
Jerry closes his eyes and begins to nervously recite.
JERRY: Uh…”They say it’s just a numbers game but sometimes the number don’t add up the same…”
SLAUGHTER: Say what?
JERRY: Sorry, when I’m nervous I sometimes recite my poetry.
SLAUGHTER: You wrote that? Say it again.
JERRY: ”They say it’s just a number’s game…”
Slaughter starts to pace
SLAUGHTER: ‘…but the numbers don’t always add up the same”! Uh…”Are you gonna say it’s me to blame? Then maybe yo bidness gonna go up in flames!” Hell yeah!
JERRY: Well, that’s not actually how it ends…
SLAUGHTER: Damn Jerry, I didn’t know you could spit rhymes!
Jerry covers his mouth.
JERRY: Sorry, I didn’t mean to.
SLAUGHTER: You a poet, son!
JERRY: Well, my teacher doesn’t think so.
SLAUGHTER: Hey screw the teachers! They all said I wouldn’t amount to shit and look at me now. I’m a Goddamn genius! Hey, looka here.
He reaches into his pocket again. Jerry flinches not knowing what’s coming out next. Slaughter pulls out a business card and hands it to Jerry who reads it.
JERRY: The Slaughter House. You’re also into meat packing.
SLAUGHTER: No! It’s my dance club! It’s bangin’ and it’s exclusive. People be linin’ up for blocks, but they not cool enough to get in. But you getting’ in. You feel me?
Jerry tentatively starts to touch him again.
SLAUGHTER: Don’t.
Jerry pulls back.
SLAUGHTER: You been to dance clubs before, right?
JERRY: Well, it’s been a while…
SLAUGHTER: But you know how to dress right? Dress cool! All right, get crankin’ on my books and I’ll see you at the house.
He starts to leave.
JERRY: Wait.
Jerry points to the gun on the desk
SLAUGHTER: Oh yeah.
Slaughter starts to pick it up. He accidentally drops it on the desk; it goes off with a loud BANG destroying Jerry’s potted plant.
SLAUGHTER: Damn. I thought I had the safety on. All right, later.
He swoops out. Jerry stares slack-jawed at the ledger, the cash and his destroyed plant.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from this assignment is to try out as many punchlines as possible.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.
Scene: Rap impresario MC SLAUGHTER has his two henchmen PRETTY BOI and BUSTA NUTT dangle young rapper DELAWARE WASHINGTON out of his penthouse window in an effort to get him so sign an exclusive contract to DJ at his club.
MC SLAUGHTER: “What you say, Del? How you feelin’?”
DEL:
Absurd Request: “All my blood’s rushing to my head. Could one of you give me a neck rub?”
Comparison: “Kind of like a baby bird about to be kicked out of the nest.”
Exaggeration: “I would have pooped my pants by now but I think gravity is holding it in.”
Insult: “I’m feeling like I want to kick your ass but these guys are holding my legs.”
Metaphor: “I keep telling myself it’s bungee jumping! Except there’s no cord.”
Misinterpretation: “You mean, feeling emotionally toward you?”
Parody; (singing “Feelings…nothing more than feelings…”
Reversal: “Why don’t you join me out here and feel for yourself.”
Understatement: “Well, it’s only a ten story drop.”
Tired of waiting, MC turns to his men. PRETTY BOI is muscular but presents feminine; Busta Nutt presents mean but is secretly sickened by violence
MC SLAUGHTER: “Have it your way, Del. Let him go!”
Absurd Request BUSTA (to PRETTY) “You drop him; I’m getting nauseous just looking down.”
Comparison: “It’s kind of like dropping someone off your friend list…only permanently.”
Exaggeration: “Tomorrow, millions of people are gonna know who you were.”
Insult: “Bitch, we gonna drop you like a bad habit!”
Metaphor: “You said you wanted to make a big splash, didn’t you?”
Misinterpretation: “Does he mean ‘let him go’ like he can leave now?”
Parody: “Do you know the lyrics to ‘Fly Like an Eagle’?
Rename: “Maybe change your name to ‘Elevator’ ‘cause you goin’ down!”
Reversal: Do you think we could maybe throw him up to the roof?”
Understatement: “We could say it was suicide but he’ll probably scream all the way down.”
The men pull him in to sign
MC SLAUGHTER: Smart decision. But Del is kind of a punk name. We need somethin’ with swagger. How about…DeLinkwent?”
Del:
Absurd Request: “Let me ask my mom.”
Comparison: “Better than MC Scumbag.”
Exaggeration: “It’ll be an inspiration to young hoodlums everywhere.”
Insult: “Slaughterhouse records? Is that ‘cause you kill good music?”
Misinterpretation: “Delinquent? You mean, like late returning a library card?”
Parody: “Yeah and my first name can be Juvenile.”
Rename: “What about Lord Gaga so Lady Gaga and I could tour together?”
Reversal: “I was thinking you could rename yourself: MT as in empty.”
Understatement: “It’s nice that you’re giving me a choice.”
EXT. BUILDING – NIGHT
A man’s SCREAM is heard. Near the top of the building, someone is dangling.
INT. PENTHOUSE – NIGHT
Rap impresario MC SLAUGHTER has his two henchmen PRETTY BOI and BUSTA NUTT dangle young DJ DELAWARE WASHIHGTON out of his penthouse window. Pretty Boi is muscular but presents feminine; Busta Nutt presents mean but is secretly sickened by violence.
DEL: Help!!!
Slaughter smokes a cigar and calls out to the man.
MC SLAUGHTER: What you say, Del? How you feelin’?
DEL: Uh…I would have pooped my pants by now but I think gravity is holding it in!
MC SLAUGHTER: Well, say the word and my boys will haul you back in. Ready to sign?
DEL: But I want to be independent…I don’t want to be with one club forever.
MC SLAUGHTER: That’s the wrong answer. I don’t like it when people say ‘no’, Del. What’s it gonna be?
DEL: Come on MC, let me go!
(to his men)
MC SLAUGHTER: You heard the man—let him go!
He turs away.
DEL: NO!
BUSTA (to Pretty Boi): Does he mean ‘let him go’ like…he can leave now?
PRETTY BOI: I don’t think so.
BUSTA: Well, you drop him; I’m getting nauseous just lookin’ down.
PRETTY BOI: Oh come on, Busta, man up! (to Del) Bitch, you betta sign or we gonna drop you like a bad habit!
They let him drop a few inches.
DEL: Stop!!!
PRETTY BOI: Oh shit, yeah, stop.
BUSTA: Why?
PRETTY BOI: I just broke a nail! (to Del) Look what you made me do!
DEL: I’m sorry!
PRETTY BOI: You better be sorry! You know how much these cost me?
MC SLAUGHTER: Are you two girls done? I said, drop him like a sick beat!
BUSTA: I think I’m going to be sick
PRETTY BOI: Just think of it like dropping someone off your friend list…only permanently (to Del) Sorry man, but you did say you wanted to make a big splash.
They start to let go and Del screams.
DEL: OK OK, I’ll sign!!!
The two men re-grab him and look at Slaughter; he waves to bring Del back in. Inside, Del falls to his knees and tries to catch his breath.
MC SLAUGHTER: Smart decision. Now get over here and sign this.
He places a contract and pen on the table.
MC SLAUGHTER (CONT’D) But Delaware is kind of a punk name for a DJ We need somethin’ with swagger. How about…DeL…Del…Delinkwent?
DEL: Can I ask my mom?
Slaughter looks at him incredulously. His men shrug.
PRETTY BOI: Well, his mama did name him.
MC SLAUGHTER: I said HOW ABOUT DELINKWENT?
BUSTA: Dope name!
PRETTY BOI: Fabulous!
DEL: Yeah OK. Whatever.
He signs.
MC SLAUGHTER: God boy. Now go home and start thinkin’ up some new beats for my crowd.
Del slinks out.
MC SLAUGHTER: Now why can’t every negotiation go that well?
He puffs on his cigar while his men shrug and nod.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to brainstorm a variety of possibilities for each scene

Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable

Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.

Look at each potential comedy scene and do a quick brainstorm session. Ask, “How can I build this scene around one or more of these Comedy Situations?”
A. Misinterpretation
B. Comedic Surprise
C. Wildly Inappropriate Response or Absurd Behavior
D. Forced Union of Incompatibles
E. Embarrassment
F. Comedic Tragedy
G. Physical Mishap

Comedic Tragedy: MC SLAUGHTER’s bodyguards dangle young rapper DE LINKWENT over his penthouse balcony to get him to sign an exclusive contract with Slaughter’s record label

Comedic Surprise: Of the two bodyguards, PRETTY BOI is muscular but presents feminine; BUSTA NUTT hides the fact that he hates violence.

Embarrassment: CPA JERRY WHEELER writes poetry as a creative outlet. His writing instructor disses his poetry at his weekly meetings. His girlfriend EMILY encourages him to not give up.

Inappropriate Response: Slaughter’s club manager KLAMIDIA informs him of an upcoming audit; he loads a pistol for his visit to his CPA BEN MADDEN so he’ll continue cooking his books

Wildly Inappropriate Response: Slaughter has Klamidia double park his Caddy while he runs into the Madden/Wheeler office. When a meter maid tries to ticket her, Klamidia explains not to bother since Slaughter has already bought off the traffic court judge.

Misinterpretation: Jerry’s current client is an old lady who insists on using a child deduction. Jerry finally figures out she’s talking about her cat

Absurd Behavior: Slaughter enters the office and physically tosses the old lady out.

Inappropriate Response: When Jerry informs him Madden’s on an extended vacation, Slaughter pulls his pistol.

Misinterpretation: He was merely moving it aside so he could pull out a wad of cash to offer Jerry for his services.

Misinterpretation: After Slaughter uses the phrase “Ya feel me?” several times, Jerry thinks he’s actually supposed to touch his arm and say “yes”.

Comedic Surprise: Out of nervousness, Jerry recites a few poetic lines; Slaughter turns it into a violent rap and flatters Jerry’s lyric ability. He tells Jerry to come and check out his dance club.

Misinterpretation: Jerry goes to the club dressed like it’s the 70’s

Embarrassment: Everyone mocks his clothing

Misinterpretation: The bodyguards overhear Jerry leaving himself voice notes and presume he’s an undercover Federal agent speaking to others

Physical Mishap: In the men’s room they strip off his shirt looking for a wire; they see a mole on his chest and tear it off

Comedic Tragedy: The next day when Emily is visiting his office, Slaughter returns; when Jerry tries to demur doing his books, Slaughter tells his men to abduct Emily.

Comedic Tragedy: Jerry tries to stop them and is dangled out a window to intimidate him.

Comedic Surprise: Unlike in the opening scene, it’s a one story building and they realize they have to pull him back in

Comedic Tragedy: Slaughter gives Jerry his pistol and expensive watch with an alarm set for one week. “If those papers aren’t in my hands before the alarm goes off, shoot yourself”.

Absurd Behavior: Jerry agrees to do the books but has no idea or desire to falsify anything. He scans IRS rules to see if he can legitimately deduct guns as ‘security’ or massive amounts of marijuana as a medical write-off.

Absurd Behavior: Meanwhile, Slaughter has brought DeLinkwent to his music studio to brainstorm ideas for new releases. Slaughter pulls out a blunt and they both get so high, their conversation becomes a loop of disconnected sentences.

Forced Union of Incompatibles: Emily is held captive at Slaughter’s club. As a part-time Etsy designer, she suggests changes in Klamidia’s wardrobe

Comedic Surprise: Pretty Boi is jealous and wants in on a make-over as well.

Comedic Surprise: Jerry finds the address of Madden’s secret condo where he believes he’s hiding out.

Embarrassment: It turns out to be a time-share that Madden only used once, Jerry bursts in on a cop and a hooker having sex.

Comedic Tragedy: The cop shoots at him; Jerry escapes, inadvertently taking the man’s badge.

Forced Union of Incompatibles: Back at the club, Emily points out to Klamidia ways to bring physical changes to the decor to bring more female energy.

Comedic Surprise: Klamidia breaks out the petty cash to make it happen.

Comedic Surprise: In despair, Jerry looks at the text Madden had originally sent him and realizes from the area code that he’s in the Grand Cayman islands.

Physical Mishap: After arriving at the Cayman’s main bank, he sees various cartel criminals, Middle Eastern sheiks and dictators in the lobby with suitcases of cash. They accidentally keep bumping into everything and each other.

Misinterpretation: The bank manager explains that there’s nothing wrong with them; everyone has been told to keep their heads down so they can later honestly say they never saw anyone else there.

Comedic Surprise: When the manager refuses to give up Madden’s information, Jerry flashes the cop’s badge and threatens to turn in everyone to Interpol. The manager complies.

Forced Union of Incompatibles: Jerry confronts Madden over his past crimes. He’ll keep Madden’s whereabouts a secret if he fills out and signs Slaughter’s paperwork showing all the illegal things he’s been hiding.

Comedic Surprise: As the deadline nears, Slaughter returns to the club and is shocked at the changes but it’s too late for him to do anything about it.

Comedic Tragedy: At the Grand Cayman airport, Jerry feels he’s going to make the deadline. Then an announcement is made that the flight has been delayed.

Forced Union of Incompatibles: Jerry recognizes one of the Cartel leader from the bank. He’s about to leave on his own private jet; Jerry offers him Slaughter’s watch in exchange for a ride.

Misinterpretation: Jerry makes a phone call ostensibly to his mother to meet him when he lands; he’s actually calling the Treasury Dept. for help with Slaughter

Physical Mishap: Just in time, Jerry coms stumbling into the club with the finalized audit..
Misinterpretation: Thinking all is well, Slaughter releases Emily and happily signs the document. Waiting IRS and FBI agents enter and arrest him for admitting in writing to everything he’s done.

Comedic Tragedy: As he’s being led off, he orders his bodyguards to take care of Madden for his betrayal.

Comedic Surprise: Jerry gives them the address of the time share where the pissed off cop will be waiting

Comedic Surprise: The paperwork shows the club was Slaughter’s only legitimate deduction and can remain in business.

Comedic Surprise: Klamidia renames the club Claudia’s (her real name). She uses the venue to showcase up-and-coming performers. First up: Jerry rapping as the Notorious C.P.A.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to consider possible B or C stories to compliment the main action.

Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.
Choose one lead character and one supporting character from your script.

1. Emily (Jerry’s girlfriend) & Klamidia (MC Slaughter’s club manager)
As a part-time Etsy designer, Emily suggests changes in Klamidia’s wardrobe; Pretty Boi (Slaughter’s bodyguard) is jealous and wants in on a make-over as well.
Emily goes further and points out ways to bring physical changes to the club that Klamidia manages to bring more female energy
Slaughter returns and is shocked at the changes, it’s too late for him to do anything about it.

2. Slaughter & De Linkwent
Slaughter has his men dangle young rapper De Linkwent out a window to force him to sign a contract with Slaughterhouse Records.
Slaughter brings him into the studio to create ideas for some singles. They both get so high, their conversations just go in circles.

3. Jerry & cop
Jerry barges into a time-share thinking his corrupt partner Ben Madden is there; it’s now rented by a cop who mistakes Jerry for a burglar and shoots at him as he escapes.
Jerry uses the cop’s badge that he accidently pocketed to bluff a bank manager in the Grand Cayman Islands to give up Madden’s actual whereabouts.
When Pretty Boi and Busta Nutt demand to know where Madden is so they can rough him up, Jerry gives them the address of the cop’s time-share.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned from doing this assignment is to brainstorm possibilities.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable

Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.
List of conflict and comedic ‘What If’s’

Conflict: MC Slaughter’s bodyguards dangle a DJ over his penthouse balcony to get him to sign an exclusive contract at Slaughter’s dance club
Conflict: CPA Jerry Wheeler writes poetry as a creative outlet. His writing instructor disses his poetry at his weekly meetings
Conflict: Slaughter’s club manager informs him of an upcoming audit.
Comedy: Jerry’s current client is a cat lady who wants to use a child deduction for her pet
Conflict: Slaughter visits the office looking for Jerry’s partner Ben Madden who has cooked his books in the past. Jerry informs him Madden’s on an extended vacation
Comedy: Jerry off-handedly recites a few poetic lines; Slaughter turns it into a violent rap and flatters Jerry to come to his nightclub.
Comedy: Jerry goes to the club dressed like it’s the 70’s
Comedy: Slaughter’s two bodyguards Pretty Boi and Busta Nutt: one is muscular but presents feminine; the other is a horndog
Conflict: They overhear Jerry leaving himself voice notes and presume he’s an undercover Federal agent speaking to others
Comedy: They strip off his shirt looking for a wire; they see a mole on his chest and tear it off
Conflict: Jerry’s girl Emily is visiting his office when Slaughter returns; when Jerry tries to demur doing his books, Slaughter tells his men to abduct Emily.
Conflict: Jerry tries to stop them and is dangled out a window to intimidate him.
Comedy: Unlike in the opening scene, it’s a one-story building
Conflict: Jerry agrees to do the books but has no idea or desire to falsify anything. He tracks down Madden’s secret condo where he believes he’s hiding out.
Comedy: It turns out to be a time-share that Madden only used once, Jerry bursts in on a cop and a hooker having sex.
Conflict: The cop shoots at him; Jerry escapes, inadvertently taking the man’s badge.
Comedy: At the club where she’s being held, Emily bonds with club manager Klamidia over their love of her hand-made jewelry.
Conflict: Jerry tracks down Madden in the Grand Cayman Islands.
Comedy: He flashes the cop’s badge at a bank to demand Madden’s whereabouts.
Conflict: Jerry confronts Madden over his past crimes.
Comedy: He’ll keep Madden’s whereabouts a secret if he fills out and signs Slaughter’s paperwork showing all the illegal things he’s been hiding.
Conflict: Jerry races to the club and returns with the finalized audit just in time.
Comedy: Slaughter releases Emily and happily signs the document. Waiting IRS and FBI agents enter and arrest him for admitting in writing everything he’s done.
Conflict: As he’s being led off, he orders his bodyguards to take care of Madden.
Comedy: Jerry gives them the address of the time share where the pissed off cop will be waiting
Comedy: The paperwork shows the club was Slaughter’s only legitimate deduction and can remain in business.
Comedy: Klamidia renames the club Claudia’s (her real name). She uses the venue to showcase up-and-coming performers. First up: Jerry rapping as the Notorious C.P.A.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned doing this assignment is to use a 4 Act structure to guide the script.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.
Act 1:
Opening: Music mogul MC SLAUGHTER has two of his goons dangle a rapper over a high balcony to get him to sign onto his label Slaughterhouse records. The terrified man agrees and is brought back inside. Another minion announces that a messenger has dropped off papers saying MC’s empire is about to be audited again.
Inciting Incident: Slaughter goes to his accountant firm Madden/Wheeler only to find his personal accountant BEN MADDEN is on vacation; junior accountant JERRY WHEELER has been put in charge. Slaughter drops off his documents, flattering Jerry after he hears a sample of his poetry. He even arranges for Jerry to visit his exclusive club where he meets the club manager KLAMIDIA. She had hopes of being a singer but Slaughter had second thoughts and has relegated her to be club manager instead.
Turning Point: The original accountant has in fact gone into hiding. Slaughter insists that Jerry do the work himself…or else.
Act 2:
New plan: Jerry reluctantly agrees. He commiserates with his would-be girlfriend EMILY from his writing group where they write poetry each week
Plan in action: He soon realizes there’s no legal way to cover up Slaughter’s money laundering and has to refuse.
Midpoint Turning Point; When Jerry politely refuses, Slaughter kidnaps Emily to force Jerry’s cooperation. Jerry attempts a rescue and is humiliated by Slaughter’s bodyguards PRETTY BOI and BUSTA NUTT.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Jerry considers covering up for Slaughter. He goes over past paperwork that Madden did to basically hide everything. He then hatches a plan to find Madden.
New plan: Track down a secret property where Madden is probably hiding out
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The location turns out to be a dead end and Jerry is facing a deadline.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Jerry finds a clue in Madden’s email leading to where he actually is: the Grand Cayman Islands. He goes there and threatens to tell the authorities unless Madden does the books, including showing all the crimes Slaughter committed.
Resolution: Jerry returns and delivers the audit just in time; Slaughter presumes it’s all in his favor, signs it and releases Emily. The FBI then arrest Slaughter for inadvertently admitting to fraud. The paperwork also shows the club to be the one legitimate source of income which now must be turned over to its manager Klamidia.
She reopens the club as a showcase for up-and-coming performers. She introduces the first act: Jerry, using his poetry skills, raps as the Notorious C.P.A. and brings the house down.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned doing this assignment is to make all the characters three dimensional, all the better to play off of each other.
Genre: comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.
Straight guy: Jerry Wheeler
Lead comedy character: MC Slaughter
Supporting comedy characters: Klamidia; Emily
Conflict characters: Pretty Boi & Busta Nutt
JERRY
Role in the story: An accountant strong-armed into cooking the books for a music mogul
Traits: Law abiding, naïve, nervous, would-be poet
Motivation: to somehow please MC without being convicted of a crime
Wound: self-doubt; ignored most of his life; believes standing up for himself leads to conflict or rejection
What makes them funny: his misunderstanding of everything in MC’s world; overly formal way of speaking; physical awkwardness.
MC SLAUGHTER
Role in the story: A rapper turned entrepreneur who has built a small empire on shady deals
Traits: boisterous, intimidating, impatient, amoral.
Motivation: to keep his empire; fear of losing street cred; avoid jail time by failing an IRS audit
Wound: paranoid about losing his rappers to better labels
What makes them funny: his brashness and obliviousness to any sense of ethics; can’t understand why accounting can’t be done like the music business
KLAMIDIA (Claudia)
Role in the story: she runs MC’s private club
Traits: street smart, failed singer, presents tough but has a heart
Motivation: stay on MC’s good side while secretly cutting people a break
Wound: a life of mistreatment; uses sexuality to hide vulnerability
What makes them funny: behind MC’s back, she’s constantly dissing him
EMILY
Role in the story: a member of Jerry’s writing group
Traits: smart, shy; has a crush on Jerry
Motivation: to get Jerry to ask her out; to get published
Wound: lack of self-esteem
What makes them funny: she inadvertently keeps intruding on Jerry’s interactions with Slaughter
PRETTY BOI & BUSTA NUT
Role in the story: bodyguards/gofers for MC
Traits: not terribly bright; act tougher than they really are
Motivation: to keep MC happy and not wind up back on the street
Wound: they know they have nowhere else to go
What makes them funny: they’ll act like pit-bulls or lap dogs depending on MC’s mood; language filled with malaprops and misunderstanding

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned doing this assignment is to choose my story components to better understand my direction.

Genre: Comedy

Logline: A mild-mannered accountant must navigate a corrupt hip hop world when a gangsta rapper/ music mogul forcibly recruits him to cook the books of his criminal empire before an upcoming audit.

Theme: Standing up against corruption; risking one’s career (or hospital visit) for a just outcome

Main Conflict: A law-abiding tax consultant being coerced into committing a crime

Stakes: Possibly going to prison; or at least losing one’s sense of ethics

Transformational Journey: Going from being a poetry-loving pushover to standing up to crime (and possibly finding a new career as a rapper.)

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned today is to focus on the basics before beginning writing a full script

Genre: Comedy
Title: Unaccountable
Concept/Logline: A mild-mannered accountant is muscled by a thuggish gangsta rapper/ music mogul to fix his books before an upcoming audit.

Main Characters: JERRY WHEELER, milk-toast CPA
MC SLAUGHTER, head of Slaughterhouse music
PRETTY BOI & BUSTA NUT, his incompetent bodyguards
KLAMIDIA, a female rapper repped by Slaughter
EMILY, a shy member of Jerry’s lit group

Short synopsis: Jerry is dragged into a world of rap, music clubs, drugs and crime when all he wants to do is help people with their tax returns and compose poetry with his weekend writing group.
What makes this movie or show funny? The ultimate fish out of water.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Name: Ian Patrick Williams
How many scripts you’ve written? Maybe 10; 2 produced (badly) 1 optioned
What you hope to get out of the class? To go back to an idea I had before I got distracted by a different script
Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? Not terribly unique but I’ve been a professional actor in L.A. for over 40 years.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams
I agree to the terms of this release form

[Ian Patrick Williams]

(Apologies about the formatting; I don’t know why my posts are always turned into block paragraphs after I copy and paste.)

Ian’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is to combine all of the lessons into one.
Dear: ____________
Because of your past productions of action films such as ____, I was hoping to interest you in my latest script.
Title: The Coming Storm
Genre: Action
LOGLINE: When his superiors tell a rookie Black detective to just follow protocol, he goes it alone to stop a white supremacist group from triggering a race war across America

SYNOPSIS: The Southern Poverty Law Center now says there are 1400 hate groups across our country; collectively, they are now calling for a race war across America. What if the FBI had credible evidence that the event that they were calling for was imminent but decided to slow-walk any preemptive response?
Rookie Black detective MILES ROUSSARD feels he has no choice but to buck the system, confront the neo-Nazi leaders, conduct searches and ultimately follow the man he feels is the one who will trigger the event. Little does he know that they’ve been setting him up to be the fall guy in the Governor’s assassination and HE is actually the event they’ve been promising.

Please let me know if I can send you The Coming Storm.

Bio: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced by Showtime. Masterfilm International released his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID in 2010. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Target Market
What I learned doing this assignment is to find producers or actors who have done similar films in the genre I’ve written in.
Films: The Equalizer 1, 2 & 3
BlacKKKlansman
American History X
Actors: John David Washington; Michael B. Jordan

The Equalizer:

Producers (13) Known for
Todd Black
Producer Antwone Fisher (2002)

David J. Bloomfield
Executive Producer (as David Bloomfield) Being the Ricardos (2021)

Jason Blumenthal
Producer Seven Pounds (2008)

Tony Eldridge
Producer The Equalizer 3 (2023)

Lance Johnson
Co-Producer Knowing (2009)

Mace Neufeld
Producer Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)

Kat Samick
Associate Producer Infinite (2021)

Alex Siskin
Producer Old Henry (2021)

Michael Sloan
Producer Quincy M.E. (1976)

Ezra Swerdlow
Executive Producer Spaceballs (1987)

Steve Tisch
Producer Forrest Gump (1994)

Ben Waisbren
Executive Producer 300 (2006)

Denzel Washington
Producer Fences (2016)

American History X

Bill Carraro
… executive producer
Michael De Luca
… co-executive producer
Jon Hess
… co-producer
David McKenna
… co-producer
John Morrissey
… producer (produced by)
Kearie Peak
… executive producer
Steve Tisch
… executive producer
Lawrence Turman
… executive producer
Brian Witten
… co-executive producer
Blackkklansman
Jason Blum
Producer Get Out (I) (2017)

Marcei A. Brown
Executive Producer Get Out (I) (2017)

Matthew A. Cherry
Executive Producer Hair Love (2019)

Edward H. Hamm Jr.
Executive Producer Get Out (I) (2017)

Spike Lee
Producer Do the Right Thing (1989)

Raymond Mansfield
Producer Get Out (I) (2017)

Sean McKittrick
Producer Get Out (I) (2017)

Jordan Peele
Producer Nope (2022)

David Rabinowitz
Co-Producer The Shadow Guide: Prologue (2016)

Shaun Redick
Producer Day Shift (2022)

Win Rosenfeld
Executive Producer Candyman (2021)

Jeanette Volturno
Executive Producer The Hunger Games (2012)

Charlie Wachtel
Co-Producer The Oscars (2019)

Michael B. Jordan
Fruitvale Station

Nina Yang Bongiovi

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is to have a strong strategy and have ready answers to any questions.
1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
Lead with credibility.
Hi, I’m Ian Patrick Williams and I’ve had 2 scripts produced and another currently optioned.
Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
Can I have a quick minute to pitch you my action thriller The Coming Storm? The Southern Poverty Law Center now says there are 1400 hate groups across our country; collectively, they are now calling for a race war across America. What if the FBI had credible evidence that the event that they were calling for was imminent but decided to slow-walk any preemptive response?
Rookie Black detective MILES ROUSSARD feels he has no choice but to buck the system, confront the neo-Nazi leaders, conduct searches and ultimately follow the man he feels is the one who will trigger the event. Little does he know that they’re setting him up to be the fall guy.
What’s the budget range?
Depending on the above-the-line quotes from talent, I’d guess 3o million.
Who do you see in the main roles?
Lead MILES BROUSSARD: John David Washington; Michael B. Jordan
Partner/mentor SID SILVER: Paul Giamatti, John C. Reilly
White supremacist CARL TILSON; Mads Mikklesen, Walter Goggins
How many pages is the script?
96
Who else has seen this?
You’re the first.
Why do you think this fits our company?
Because of your past success with action films.
How does the movie end?
The protagonist thwarts the white supremacist who was about to assassinate a Governor, thereby preventing the race war. Police and FBI then join Broussard in conducting raids across the country and confiscating their bombs and weaponry.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned is how to pitch in a way that will attract buyers
Credibility: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced by Showtime. Masterfilm International released his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID in 2010. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.
Title: The Coming Storm
Genre: Action
Hook: A rookie detective goes it alone to stop a white supremacist group from triggering a race war across America
Budget: Mid-range (depending on above-the-line talent) Actors: Lead MILES BROUSSARD: John David Washington; Michael B. Jordan Partner/mentor SID SILVER: Paul Giamatti, John C. Reilly White supremacist CARL TILSON; Mads Mikklesen, Walter Goggins

ACT 1: A series of police murders, church burnings, etc. are being perpetrated by the country’s newest neo-Nazi group: the American Storm Troopers. Their disinformation campaigns have half the country believing the guilty parties are Black and Jewish.

ACT 2: Rookie Black detective MILES BROUSSARD does military research on his own, finding two of the AST leaders were recently discharged riflemen. Against orders, he searches the garage of one of them and finds empty fertilizer bags indicating an Oklahoma City type bombing is their plan. He races after the man’s van, calling in an emergency; when the police stop the suspect’s van, it turns up empty.

ACT 3: His furious Commander orders Broussard to tender his resignation for his insubordination. But Broussard is convinced that the empty van was a mere ploy to get everyone to drop their guard and that an assassination of the Governor is the actual plan. He deduces the nearby Hotel Lincoln is tall enough to shoot from and races there in hopes to stop the killing before it’s too late.

Ending: After Miles trails the AST sniper to a rooftop, he’s knocked unconscious and tied up. As the sniper gets the Governor in his rifle’s sights, detective Silver enters the rooftop, having followed his headstrong partner. The sniper wounds Silver; Broussard breaks his bonds, attacks the sniper and throws him off the roof to his death.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep my query letter concise.
Opening Hook:
A rookie detective goes it alone to stop a white supremacist group from triggering a race war across America
Title: The Coming Storm
Written by Ian Patrick Williams
Genre: Action
Synopsis:
A series of police murders, church burnings, etc. are being perpetrated by the country’s newest neo-Nazi group: the American Storm Troopers. Their disinformation campaigns have half the country believing the guilty parties are Black and Jewish.
The FBI intercepts information that a terrorist incident is planned for the coming Saturday, the same day when the Governor will be giving a campaign speech on the steps of their City Hall. Rookie Black detective MILES BROUSSARD does military research on his own, finding two of the AST leaders were recently discharged riflemen. Against orders, he searches the garage of one of them and finds empty fertilizer bags indicating an Oklahoma City type bombing.

He races after the man’s van, calling in an emergency. When the police stop the suspect’s van and it turns up empty, his furious Commander orders Broussard to tender his resignation for his insubordination. But Broussard is convinced that the empty van was a mere ploy to get everyone to drop their guard and that the assassination of the Governor is still the actual plan. He deduces the nearby Hotel Lincoln is tall enough for a sniper to shoot from and races there in hopes to stop the killing before it’s too late.
Please let me know if I can send you The Coming Storm
Bio: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced by Showtime. Masterfilm International released his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID in 2010. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is to have both kinds of pitches ready

To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective.
HIGH CONCEPT
A rookie detective insists on immediate action against an upcoming terrorist threat while his superiors slowly follow protocol to respond

How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
Dilemma: A brash young Black detective is caught between following orders and going it alone in order to stop an upcoming race war

Main Conflict: He has circumstantial evidence that a terrorist threat is imminent, but his Commander and FBI insist on slow-walking the official response

What’s at stake?
White supremacists have raised to a fever pitch the call for a new Civil War

Goal/Unique Opposition: Stop the triggering event that they have planned before it’s too late.

ELEVATOR PITCH
“I’ve written a script that asks: How does one man stop an imminent neo-Nazi event that will trigger a race war across America?”

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is to find story hooks, then fill in the rest.
The Coming Storm
Written by Ian Patrick Williams
Genre: Action

For his first rookie assignment, hot-tempered Black detective MILES BROUSSARD is teamed with veteran SID SILVER to observe a march by the latest white supremacist group: the American Storm Troopers. Their taunts get under his skin but Silver cautions him to stay cool and merely observe.

After a police officer is killed by an unknown gunman, Broussard and Silver attend the funeral. As the minister finishes his graveside speech, a shot rings out, killing him; Broussard finds evidence that the bullet came from a sniper’s rifle half a mile away. Racist cops blame Black Lives Matter.

Doing military research on recently discharged riflemen leads him to suspect two of the AST leaders, CARL TILSON and ZAK LESTER. The FBI intercepts information that a terrorist incident is planned for that Saturday, the same day when GOVERNOR MORRISON will be giving a campaign speech on the steps of their City Hall.
.
Against orders, Broussard examines Lester’s garage and finds dozens of empty fertilizer bags. He follows Lester’s van and desperately warns his superiors that Lester appears to be headed to City Hall, probably with Oklahoma City type explosives. The police stop the van just in time and search it—it’s empty.

His furious Commander orders Broussard to tender his resignation for his insubordination. But Broussard is convinced that the empty van was a mere ploy to get everyone to drop their guard and that the assassination of the Governor is still the actual plan. He deduces the nearby Hotel Lincoln is tall enough to shoot from and races there in hopes to stop the killing before it’s too late.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s 10 Most Interesting Things
What I learned doing this assignment is to sideline the whole plot in favor of presenting the most interesting things

What is most unique about your villain and hero?
hero: MILES: Black; new to being a detective; impatient; go-it-alone attitude
villain: TILSON: Army trained; white supremacist; expert marksman

Major hook of your opening scene?
Staking out a Neo-Nazi march opposed by a Black Lives Matter crowd, Miles witnesses a car come out of nowhere, strike a marcher and then speed away. The American Storm Troopers insist the driver was Black

Any turning points?
A police officer is killed while questioning a Black suspect; the unseen shooter gets away. At the officer’s graveside service, the priest is also shot from a distance. A racist detective finds ‘evidence’ that the shooter must be Black

Emotional dilemma?
Miles needs inside info from a female worker at a VA office to find who the shooter might be; he then begins a romantic relationship with her. He’s also torn between following his superior’s protocol and going with his gut.

Major twists
Miles tells his superiors to stop a truck speeding toward the Federal building where the Governor is about to speak, insisting it’s loaded with explosives. The authorities stop the truck only to find it’s empty.

Reversals?
Miles gets a warrant to search the lead Storm Trooper’s home; all evidence has been removed.

Character betrayals?
After the truck is found to be empty, even his partner says it’s time for him to leave the force.

Or any big surprises?
After Miles trails the AST sniper to a rooftop, he’s knocked unconscious and tied up. He learns he’s been played all along to be the patsy in the AST’s assassination plot: a disgruntled Black man so fed up with the white power structure that he final snapped, killed the governor and then committed ‘suicide’. The race war will then begin.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Producer/Manager
What I learned today is how to present a project in different ways

Managers: I have five scripts and a pilot in a variety of genres from comedy, true history, sci-fi and supernatural horror. I had one script optioned and did multiple rewrites for two different directors (the producers ultimately couldn’t get the funding needed.) I was also hired to write an action film based on the producers’ 2 page outline and that film was shot. I believe this shows that I’m a team player who also has several marketable projects.

Producers: First, I would only contact producers who are interested in action films. Because this script has a Black lead, I might also focus on producers who have backed similar films in the past. As a professional actor myself for 40 years, I know good roles from the other side of the camera and I stand by the quality of the writing. To help visualize the cast, I’ve included names of possible A-list actors whom I believe would be a good fit for the leading parts.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment is to focus on just a few elements to create a successful pitch that will attract producers
A. Unique: one man must take action because of the FBI’s slow by-the-book response to an imminent threat
B. Great Title: The Coming Storm refers to the American Storm Troupers’ upcoming plan to cause a race war
C. True: N/A
D. Timely: The North Carolina Nazi march and the coup from January 6th
E. It’s a First: N/A
F. Ultimate: if the protagonist fails, America erupts into chaos
G. Wide Audience Appeal: non-stop action; romantic subplot; mounting suspense
H. Adapted from a popular book: N/A
I. Similarity to Box-Office Success: The Equalizer meets Civil War
J. A Great Role for Bankable Actors:
Detective Miles Broussard: Black/headstrong/heroic
Detective Sid Silver: mentor/seen-it-all/paternal
Carl Tilson: racist/unhinged/expert marksman
Current logline: A brash young Black detective goes against protocol to stop a neo-Nazi group from launching a terrorist event meant to start a race war across America.
Pitching through two components:
F & J
MILES: John David Washington; Michael B. Jordan; SID: Paul Giamatti, John C. Reilly; CARL; Mads Mikklesen, Walter Goggins

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Assignment 1
1. Give us your Genre, Title, and Concept.
Action
The Coming Storm
A Black detective goes against protocol to stop a neo-Nazi group

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.
Ripped from today’s headlines==a clear and growing danger as white supremacists are calling for a new Civil War

3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target.
Managers. It’s no doubt easier for them to make contact with the powers that be rather than an unknown writer

4. Answer the question “What I learned today is…?”
Clarify one’s message and goal

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams
5 scripts + 1 TV pilot
I’m trying to get representation
I’ve been a professional actor for 40plus years: http://www.ianpatrickwilliams.com

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned doing this assignment is to revise earlier drafts and incorporate tweaks to clarify things.

Dear ____

Since you have a history of producing action films, I would like to present this one for your consideration:

The Coming Storm

How do you stop an imminent terrorist attack from a White Nationalist group when your superiors are telling you to stand down and continue waiting for more evidence?

Newly-appointed African American detective MILES BROUSSARD determines to continue working on his own to identify the leaders of the white nationalist group American Storm Troupers who are committing crimes and blaming them on Jewish and Black Americans.

Following evidence that another Oklahoma City bombing might be in the works, he convinces his Lieutenant and FBI supervisor to stop a truck driven by the AST leader that is speeding toward City Hall. When it’s found to be empty, Broussard is thrown off the case for raising a false alarm. But of course he refuses to take no for an answer.

After being captured by an AST sniper, he discovers that the real plan was always to frame him for an assassination which the AST will use as justification for their fellow neo-Nazi groups to start The Storm, a race war that will engulf the entire country.

BIO: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced as a M.O.W. by Showtime. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. Masterfilm International purchased his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID; MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.

Please let me know if I may send you the full script for The Coming Storm.

Thank you,

Ian Patrick Williams

Address

Phone

Email

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is how to find producers who have made films similar to mine in the past.

Films:

The Equalizer

BlacKkKlansman

Shaft

In Too Deep

Without Remorse

.The Equalizer:

Molly Allen

Executive Producer

John Davis Shaft

Producer

Michael Henry Brown In Too Deep

Producer

BlacKkKlansman:

Josh Appelbaum (produced by) Without Remorse

Akiva Goldsman (produced by) |

Michael B. Jordan (produced by) (p.g.a.) |

André Nemec (produced by)

(This is just a partial list of dozens more)

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Phone Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is to pick appropriate companies and pitch with the pertinent information they need to hear.

Lead with credibility:

“Hi, I’m Ian Patrick Williams and I’ve had two screenplays produced and have another one optioned. Can I run a quick pitch by you?

It’s an action film entitled The Coming Storm. The main question the film poses is: How do you stop an imminent attack from a White Nationalist group when your superiors are telling you to keep waiting for more evidence?

The budget would be Mid, between 15 and 30 million.

For the lead, I see John David Washington or Michael B. Jordan; for his senior partner maybe Ron Perlman.

The script is a tight 96 pages; I’m just starting to send it out now. I thought of your company because you’ve had past successes with action films.

The ending of the film features the detective protagonist having been captured by the White Supremacist group he’s been after. Their head sniper informs him that after he assassinates the Governor, the detective will be framed for the deed, signaling their fellow neo-Nazi groups to rise up together in a race war against America.

May I send you the script?

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is how to pitch with clear and quick bullet points.

“Hi, I’m Ian Patrick Williams and I’ve had two screenplays produced and have another one optioned.”

I have an action film titled THE COMING STORM.

The film asks: How do you stop an imminent attack from a White Nationalist group when your superiors are telling you to keep waiting for more evidence?

Budget: Mid range

Actors: Maybe John David Washington as the protagonist and Ron Perlman as his senior partner.

ACT 1: Newly-appointed African American detective MILES BROUSSARD continues to work on his own time to identify the leaders of the American Storm Troopers who are committing crimes and blaming Jews and Black Americans.

ACT 2: Following evidence that another Oklahoma City bombing seems to be in the works, he convinces his Lieutenant and FBI supervisor to stop a truck driven by the AST leader that is speeding toward City Hall. When it’s found to be empty, Broussard is thrown off the case for raising false alarms. But he refuses to take no for an answer.

ACT 3: After being captured by an AST sniper, he discovers that the real plan was always to frame him for an assassination which the AST will use as justification for their fellow terrorist groups to start a race war that will engulf the entire country.

ENDING: On a high rise rooftop, Broussard struggles against his zip ties while the sniper gets the governor in his rifle’s sights. Senior detective Sid Silver rushes in, having followed his headstrong partner. The sniper wounds Silver; Broussard then frees himself, attacks the sniper and throws him off the roof to his death.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is to write a short and well written query letter with hooks.

Dear ____

Since you’ve expressed interest in Action films, I would like to present this one for your consideration:

The Coming Storm

How do you stop a terrorist threat when your superiors are telling you to stand down and follow protocol?

Newly-appointed African American detective MILES BROUSSARD determines to continue working on his own to identify the leaders of the white nationalist group American Storm Troupers who are committing crimes and blaming Jews and Black Americans.

Following evidence that another Oklahoma City bombing might be in the works, he convinces his Lieutenant and FBI supervisor to stop a truck driven by the AST leader that is speeding toward City Hall. When it’s found to be empty, Broussard is thrown off the case for raising a false alarm. But of course he refuses to take no for an answer.

After being captured by an AST sniper, he discovers that the real plan was always to frame him for an assassination which the AST will use as justification for their fellow terrorist groups to start The Storm, a race war that will engulf the entire country.

BIO: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced as a M.O.W. by Showtime. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. Masterfilm International purchased his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID; MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.

Please let me know if I may send you the full script for The Coming Storm.

Thank you,

Ian Patrick Williams

Address

Phone

Email

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is to start with story hooks when creating a synopsis

COM:

Timely: Between recent Nazi marches and seditious attacks against our democracy, I believe audiences would love to see action heroes taking these people down.

Similarity to a Box Office Success:

The Equalizer (Black hero acting alone), Mississippi Burning (defeat of white Nationals)

MIT:

B. Major hook of the opening scene

Broussard and his senior partner are assigned to witness a Neo-Nazi march where a car deliberately strikes one of the marchers, who then falsely blames it on the Black Lives Matter protesters.

C. Any turning points

After a long distance shooting death, Broussard turns to an old Army buddy at the VA to let him go through records that might identify radicalized sharp-shooters who have recently been discharged.

Broussard finds emptied fertilizer bags in the garage of the AST leader, leading him to conclude that they’re planning another Oklahoma City bombing.

A. Major twist

Broussard’s hunch causes the FBI to follow the AST leader’s truck. Allegedly loaded with the explosive fertilizer, it barrels toward City Hall where the visiting Governor will be giving a speech on the front steps. The stop and search shows the truck to be empty and Broussard realizes he’s been set up by the AST to fail.

B. Reversals

Convinced that a plot will still go forward, Broussard deduces that the Governor is still the target but from the sniper posted half a mile away.

C. Character betrayal

Brossard’s Lieutenant pulls him off the case despite all of his work in disclosing the identities and plans of the AST members.

D. Big surprises

Broussard is captured by the sniper who informs him that he’s going to be framed for the assassination, followed by his ‘suicide’.

First draft synopsis:

How do you stop a terrorist threat when your superiors are telling you to stand down and follow protocol? Newly-appointed African American detective MILES BROUSSARD determines to work on his own to identify the leaders of the white nationalist group American Storm Troupers who are committing crimes and blaming Jews and Black Americans.

Deducing that another Oklahoma City bombing is in the works, he convinces his Lieutenant and FBI supervisor to stop a truck driven by the AST leader that is speeding toward City Hall. When it’s found to be empty, Broussard is thrown off the case for raising false alarms. But of course he refuses to take no for an answer.

After being captured by an AST sniper, he discovers that the real plan was always to frame him for an assassination which the AST will use as justification for their fellow terrorist groups to start a race war that will engulf the entire country.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is how to focus on both.

High Concept

DILEMMA: How can you cut through the bureaucracy of your superiors to stop a neo-Nazi group’s upcoming attack?

MAIN CONFLICT: Break the rules or risk an upcoming race war?

WHAT’S AT STAKE: If an assassination is falsely blamed on the Black community, American terrorist groups will rise up together against them.

GOAL/UNIQUE OPPOSITION: Figure out how to bring down an imminent attack when you’re not in a position of power

Elevator Pitch: “I’ve written an action film dealing with the real life threat from American terrorist organizations.”

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned doing this assignment is to focus on the things that will sell the pitch.

A. What is unique about your villain and hero

Hero: Miles Broussard

New to the detective squad, he’s impatient with the bureaucracy to the point of going against the orders of his Lieutenant and the consulting FBI agent in order to stop the coming attack..

Villain: Carl Tilson

Ex-military and radicalized by the American Storm Troopers, he will use his sniper training to try and bring about a new Civil War

B. Major hook of the opening scene

Broussard and his senior partner are assigned to witness a Neo-Nazi march where a car deliberately strikes one of the marchers, who then falsely blames it on the Black Lives Matter protesters.

C. Any turning points

After a long distance shooting death, Broussard turns to an old Army buddy at the VA to let him go through records that might identify radicalized sharp-shooters who have recently been discharged.

Broussard finds emptied fertilizer bags in the garage of the AST leader, leading him to conclude that they’re planning another Oklahoma City bombing.

D. Emotional dilemma

After being pulled off the case, Broussard starts drinking heavily and abandons his new girlfriend.

E. Major twist

Broussard’s hunch causes the FBI to follow the AST leader’s truck. Allegedly loaded with the explosive fertilizer, it barrels toward City Hall where the visiting Governor will be giving a speech on the front steps. The stop and search shows the truck to be empty and Broussard realizes he’s been set up by the AST to fail.

F. Reversals

Convinced that a plot will still go forward, Broussard deduces that the Governor is still the target but from the sniper posted half a mile away.

G. Character betrayal

Brossard’s Lieutenant pulls him off the case despite all of his work in disclosing the identities and plans of the AST members.

H. Big surprises

Broussard is captured by the sniper who informs him that he’s going to be framed for the assassination, followed by his ‘suicide’.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned today is to focus on making the script marketable to producers who are looking for action coupled with real life threats

Genre: Action

Title: The Coming Storm

Concept: The FBI learn that a Neo-Nazi organization is planning a major terrorist threat as a call to action from other extremists but no one knows what it’s going to be.

This is based on recent events as violent extremists are calling for a new Civil War. A number of action sequences (murders, car chases, shoot outs, synagogue burnings) lead to the final confrontation between the protagonist and a Neo-Nazi sharp shooter in order to prevent an assassination.

I’m targeting managers because I think it’s more likely that a production company will trust a seasoned veteran more than a relatively unknown screenwriter.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned today is how to highlight elements of a pitch.

LOGLINE: A brash young Black detective and his older Jewish partner race against the clock to stop a neo-Nazi group from launching a terrorist event meant to start a race war across America.

D. Timely: Between recent Nazi marches and sedititous attacks against our democracy, I believe audiences would love to see action heroes taking these people down.

J. Great roles for bankable actors: a team not unlike Mel Gibson & Danny Glover in LETHAL WEAPON or Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman in SE7EN. Also memorable antagonists.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Producer/Manager

What I learned today is to be specific in my approaches to either producers or managers.

1. After ascertaining that the producer is interested in action scripts, I will emphasize the attractiveness of the lead roles, the number of ‘trailer moments’ featuring action sequences and confrontations combined with a three act structure that ends with a life and death showdown between detective protagonist and sniper antagonist.

2. I
will emphasize marketability of the project, comparing it to other successful
films in the action genre. I also will
provide the loglines and synopses of any of my other screenplays that he/she deem also to be marketable. I’m open to taking notes and collaborations that make their job easier in selling the scripts.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams

9 scripts

The ability to get some corporate players to at least read them.

Strange? I don’t know about that, but I’ve also worked as an actor for the last 40 years in L.A. and have over 100 pro credits.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams I agree to the terms of this release form

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Misdirects…When Appropriate!

What I learned is to keep the audience guessing

A. The Red Herring character: the leader of the white supremacist group

B. The Villain’s plan: to kill a number of white victims and police officers, blame the deaths on the Black Lives Matter members and thus create a race war.

C. The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.”: the allegedly ‘slow’ helper at the meetings is the actual shooter

Clue Misdirection.

Each killing or assault has ‘clues’ left behind blaming Black militants and eventually the lead detective

Different weapons are used to imply multiple shooters

The implication that the next shooting will be at another rally instead of at the Mayor’s speech

Character Misdirection.

The neo-Nazi who was struck by a car misidentifies the driver as Black

A racist cop attends the neo-Nazi meetings and plants the detective’s badge at the scene of a shooting

The lead detective’s partner thinks he’s wrong about the killer’s identity

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Dramatic Reveals

What I learned is how to reveal things in a dramatic way

REVEAL 1

Intrigue: A number of murders are being committed

Suspense: How long will they continue?

Mystery: Is it the work of one person or more?

Reveal: They appear to be committed by angry Black citizens aiming at white nationalists, racists and police

REVEAL 2

Mystery: How were police attending a funeral shot at from such a long distance?

Reveal: The shooter was using a rare long distance rifle

Intrigue: Does he have military training?

REVEAL 3

Intrigue: After a search, the lead detective’s badge is found where the shooter fired from

Mystery: How did it get there?

Suspense: Is he involved?

Reveal: It was planted by a fellow officer involved in the white nationalist movement

REVEAL 4

Intrigue: The lead suspect is a neo-Nazi leader calling for a race war

Mystery: How could he be the shooter if he was in the hospital at the time recovering from a gunshot wound?

Reveal: It’s actually his second-in-command who is behind it all

REVEAL 5

Suspense: Is the BLM rally going to be the next group of victims?

Intrigue: Can the lead detective figure out the actual target?

Reveal: The shooter is about to assassinate the white Mayor, hoping to inflame other racists to take to the streets

REVEAL 6

Suspense: Can the detective get to the shooter’s hidden location in time

Reveal: The shooter is waiting for him in order to frame him for the assassination

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Trust Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment is to create doubt in the viewer’s mind as to who can be believed

Make a list of the main characters.

Hero:
Detective <div>

Villain:
Sniper

Red
Herring Character: Neo-Nazi leader

Trusted,
but shouldn’t be: Fellow cop who turns out to be racist

Isn’t
trusted, but should be: Police Captain

With each character, ask these questions:

What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?

Hero: Detective — trustable

Villain: Sniper – not trustable

Red Herring Character: Neo-Nazi leader – not trustable

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Fellow cop – not trustable

Isn’t trusted, but should be: Police Captain — trustable

How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?

Detective – planted evidence against him makes him appear not trustable

Neo-Nazi leader – appears to be the villain

Villain – appears to be merely a flunky

Racist cop – appears trustable; later plants evidence

Captain – appears to believe Hero might be guilty

With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.

Hero / Villain:

DISTRUST: Detective distrusts him but doesn’t suspect him to be the

shooter

Hero / Red Herring Character:

DISTRUST: Believes he’s the shooter

TRUST: Ultimately realizes he isn’t

Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be:

TRUST: Believes fellow cop is a normal officer

DISTRUST: Finds out he is a white supremacist

DISTRUST: Realizes he’s the one who planted evidence against him

Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be:

TRUST: Believes his Captain will assign him accordingly

DISTRUST: Gets assigned to covering a neo-Nazi march

TRUST: Believes he can keep the peace

DISTRUST: Someone strikes a marcher with his car

TRUST: Assumes Captain will believe he’s innocent

DISTRUST: Captain temporarily suspends him

DISTRUST: Doesn’t tell the Captain that he is continuing his own investigation

TRUST: Ultimately realizes Captain did believe him but had to go by the book

</div>

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Twists and Turns

What I learned doing this assignment is to add unexpected events

Direction: African-American detective joins police to oversee a neo-Nazi march in order to prevent violence

Twist: One of the marchers is deliberately struck by a car

Direction: A cop attempts to peacefully arrest a suspected shooter from another case

Twist: Someone in the gathered crowd shoots and kills him

Direction: Detective goes with police to his funeral

Twist: Rifle shots are fired at them from a distance

Direction: A white supremacist gives a speech to his followers

Twist: One of the audience members is an undercover cop

Direction: At the end, his audience applauds and salutes

Twist: Someone fires through a window, wounding the leader

Direction: Police search the spot where the sniper fired from

Twist: Detective’s badge is found there and he’s suspected

Direction: Detective goes to an outdoor shooting range to learn more about high-powered rifles

Twist: He is shot at

Direction: Police attend a BLM rally to try and keep the peace

Twist: Detective realizes the sniper won’t be there but trying to assassinate the Mayor

Direction: He races to sniper’s location

Twist: He’s captured and forced to watch the attempted murder for which

he’ll be blamed

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Thriller Plot!

What I learned is to add all the elements together to form a plot

List out your
structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.

OPENING: African-American detective is assigned to observe a neo-Nazi march; one marcher is struck by a car and insists it was a Black driver.

INCITING INCIDENT: An officer is shot and killed by an unknown assailant. At his funeral, rifle fire endangers all the police.

TURNING POINT 1: Hero now believes the events are linked and might be a Black vigilante attacking white supremacists and cops

MIDPOINT: After another killing, evidence is planted that implicates the Hero; he is suspended until further investigation

TURNING POINT 2: A Black Lived Matter rally is scheduled where the Hero suspects the killer may strike again at the police

CLIMAX: After the Hero deduces the march is not the target but the speech given by the Mayor, he finds the neo-Nazi sniper and kills him

RESOLUTION: The Mayor and minorities march together in solidarity.

Inside your
structure, fill in the gaps with the Life Threatening situations,
Mysteries, and Villain’s plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you
from getting confused.

OPENING: African-American detective is assigned to observe a neo-Nazi march; one marcher is struck by a car and insists it was a Black driver.

Life Threatening 1: Was the driver deliberately trying to kill the marcher?

Life Threatening 2: A Korean American grocer is surrounded for firing a Black teen who was working for him; he’s shot

MYSTERY 1: Who is targeting white supremacist groups and Asian Americans?

INCITING INCIDENT: An officer who is trying to arrest a potential shooter

is shot and killed by an unknown assailant.

Life Threatening 3: At his funeral, rifle fire endangers all the police. A crumpled BLM flyer is found

MYSTERY 2: Is it the same shooter?

TURNING POINT 1: Hero now believes the events are linked and might

be a Black vigilante attacking white supremacists and cops

MYSTERY 3: Does the shooter have military sniper training?

Villain’s Plan 1: Get everyone believing the killer is Black

MIDPOINT: A neo-Nazi leader is wounded by the same rifle.

Villain’s Plan 2: Evidence is planted that implicates the Hero; he is suspended until further investigation

Life Threatening 4: Hero goes to outdoor shooting range to ask about high-powered rifle. He’s shot at.

Villain’s Plan 3: At white supremacist meeting, leader asks for more violence

Life Threatening 5: Undercover cop at meeting; will he be discovered?

TURNING POINT 2: A Black Lived Matter rally is scheduled where the Hero suspects the killer may strike again at the police

MYSTERY 4: Is there a master plan behind all of these deaths?

Villain’s Plan 4: Get all the police at the rally while he targets the Mayor from long distance

CLIMAX: After the Hero deduces the march is not the target but the speech given by the Mayor, he races to the building where the neo-Nazi sniper will shoot from.

Life Threatening 6: The Hero is captured

Villain Plan 5: Kill the Mayor and fake the Hero’s suicide as the shooter. The race war that the neo-Nazis have planned will then commence

Life Threatening 7: The Hero kills the sniper before he can fire

RESOLUTION: The Mayor and minorities march together in solidarity.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Life Threatening Sequence.

What I learned is to be specific in outlining life threatening sequences

What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?

To cause so much anger and fear against Black Americans that a race war breaks out and the Aryans reign supreme. The Hero detective is in charge of investigating a series of assaults and murders.

What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?

Threats

Physical danger

Surveillance / watched

Chased

Lured into a dangerous situation

Trapped / Abducted /

People around them die or are injured.

Stalked

Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them.

Presence of weapons or thugs

Something that damages their reputation

.Loss of a job or career.

A demand to stop pursuing the mystery.

Betrayal from someone close.

Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.

Hero detective assigned to keep the peace at neo–Nazi march; one marcher is struck by a car; claiming the driver was one of a group of African-American protesters

A Korean American grocer is surrounded for firing a Black teen who was working for him; he’s shot

Police try to arrest the alleged gun owner; officer is shot from a distance by a high powered rifle.

At the officer’s funeral, rifle fire sprays the crowd; a BLM flyer is found

Hero detective investigates possible rifle owner at a gun range; he’s shot at

A racist cop is confronted and confesses he planted evidence implicating the hero

Hero joins other cops at another march where they expect violence

Hero deduces the Mayor will be the actual target

Hero races to a building 2 miles away from the spot of the Mayor’s speech knowing that the killer’s rifle has that kind of range

He confronts the killer who captures him

Hero defeats Villain just before the assassination

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned is that outlining sequences leads to outlining the entire script

Ian Patrick’s Mystery Sequence

Create your mystery sequence. Give us the answer to these questions.

What is the big secret that the
Villain is covering up?

Assassinate the city’s Mayor, pin it on the Black community and hope for a race war

How many ways can they cover
that secret? Those become the mysteries.

Commit a number of assaults, murders and false flag actions, leaving clues that lead to Black leaders

The first mystery must engage
the Hero into solving it.

During a neo-Nazi march, one of the members is struck by a fleeing car; he claims the driver was Black and he was targeted

Sequence the mysteries so that
each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you
can.

Neo-Nazi struck by a car

A Korean grocer is shot outside his store

A Black suspect is arrested; someone in a gathered crowd shoots and kills a white police officer

At the officer’s funeral, rifle fire sprays the crowd; a BLM flyer is found

RED HERRING: neo-Nazi leader is wounded by the same rifle; evidence is planted to implicate the Hero

Police attend a BLM march; is there going to be violence on both sides?

Create a Mystery Chain for each
main mystery.

MYSTERY 1: Who is targeting white supremacist groups, Jewish Americans, Korean Americans and cops?

A neo–Nazi marcher is struck by a car; he claims the driver was one of a group of African-American protesters

A Korean American grocer is surrounded for firing a Black teen who was working for him; he’s shot

Police try to arrest the alleged gun owner; officer is shot from a distance by a high powered rifle.

At the officer’s funeral, rifle fire sprays the crowd; a BLM flyer is found

Hero detective investigates possible owner at a gun range; he’s shot at

MYSTERY 2: Are militant Black groups guilty or are they victims of a false flag operation?

Black groups deny all knowledge

Right wing talk show hosts demand action against them

Is it true the lack of arrests is due to the Mayor being afraid of losing Black votes?

MYSTERY 3: Who is the shooter?

A racist? A Black militant? Ex–military? Someone with PTSD?

If it’s the work of racists, why was the neo-Nazi leader wounded by the same shooter?

MYSTERY 4: Is there a master plan behind it all?

Is the wounded neo-Nazi leader really the leader of his group?

Will his group succeed in calling for a national race war?

What might be the final act that could cause them to succeed?

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Villain Has a Great Plan!

What I learned is that itemizing the Villain’s plan will help order the overall scene structure

To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:

What is the end goal?

For a white supremacist leader to spark social unrest and create what he hopes will be a race war throughout the country

How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious
way?

A series of murders of white, Muslim and Jewish victims falsely blamed on groups like Black Lives Matter

How can they cover it up?

Planting evidence that falsely implicates Black leaders and ultimately the Hero himself

Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.

A neo-Nazi organization marches in a major city

Protesters try to shout them down; one protester is killed

Hero detective stops killer from escaping

During interrogation, killer defends the group’s actions against all non-white Christians and hopes for a race war

Undercover officer is already in their organization

A rabbi is shot and killed by a masked assailant who escapes; Hero investigates and finds shell casing leading to Black owner

He is questioned in his apartment and claims gun was stolen

As police try to arrest him, an angry crowd demands justice

Shots are fired and a Black police officer is killed

The Mayor calls for calm; at police HQ a Captain urges his men to exercise caution

Right wing TV pundit asks why Blacks are being coddled by liberals

Hero publicly defends arrests of neo-Nazi types

At the officer’s funeral, some cops want revenge; more shots fired from a distance; crumpled BLM flyer found

Later forensics finds the bullet – a rare high caliber

Hero deduces killer might have military training

Police search data bases for white supremacists with sniper training

At white supremacist meeting, leader asks for more violence; second-in-command (Villain) agrees

Undercover cop recognizes a member from his own squad

Later the leader is wounded by same rifle; evidence is planted to implicate Hero

Hero is temporarily suspended while the case is open

Hero goes to gun shop owner and asks who might have such a high powered weapon

At an outdoor shooting range, he learns more about the rare weapon’s range; as he leaves, he’s shot at

Racist cop is confronted and confesses he planted the evidence implicating the hero

A Black Lives Matter march is planned; the Mayor announces a major speech to calm the city

Hero joins other cops at march expecting violence

Hero deduces the Mayor will be the actual target

He races to a building 2 miles away from the spot of the Mayor’s speech knowing that the killer’s rifle has that kind of range

He confronts the killer who captures him; he admits the wounding of the neo-Nazi leader was planned and evidence planted

Once the Mayor is shot, the city will go up in flames

Hero defeats Villain just before the assassination

Final image: neo-Nazis being arrested for conspiracy

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s BI Stacking Suspense

Give us a list of the things you learned about Thrillers as you did this assignment:

Actions can be murder, car chases, physical altercations, interviews, violent sex

Mysteries can be looking for clues, motivations, identities, past histories, hidden agendas

Intrigue can be any questions that keep the action moving forward

Suspense is keeping the audience on edge about what will happen next

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s World and Characters!

What I learned doing this assignment is.to start getting specific about the lead characters’ M.I.S.

1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?

Who is committing a series of street killings and why?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?

The motivation of the killer and the suspicion that the lead detective might actually be the killer

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?

Will he be killed by the suspect…or by his fellow officers?

2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.

San Francisco Police Dept. – Detective Division

3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:

HERO

A. What is the mystery of this
character?

Can he solve who is behind all of the recent killings

B. What is the suspense of this
character?

Is he still suffering from PTSD and reverting back to his violent past, acting out his frustration with criminals that are never apprehended

C. What is the intrigue of this
character?

Can he convince fellow officers that circumstantial evidence that implicates him isn’t proof

VILLAIN

A. What is the mystery of this
character?

Why is he acting as judge, jury and executioner of street criminals

B. What is the suspense of this
character?

Can he be stopped

C. What is the intrigue of this
character?

What is his obsession with biblical justice as the Angel of Death

HERO’S PARTNER

A. What is the mystery of this
character?

Can he help to stop the killer

B. What is the suspense of this
character?

Will he become a victim

C. What is the intrigue of this
character?

Can he balance concern for the hero with objective police work

POLICE PSYCHOLOGIST

. A. What is the mystery of this
character?

Can she tell if the hero is telling the truth about his activities

B. What is the suspense of this
character?

They once were lovers; she hopes to rekindle the romance if he’s innocent

C. What is the intrigue of this
character?

If she’s wrong, she could be another victim

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned doing this assignment is to get a strong foundation before taking further steps

Logline: A detective must find and stop a vigilante obsessed with taking the law into his own hands

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: A recently reinstated detective, previously suspended for being too violent with suspects

Dangerous Villain: A vigilante obsessed with being the biblical Angel of Death

High stakes: A series of unsolved murders has the city on edge

Life and death situations: Street criminals are being murdered by an unknown assailant

This story is thrilling because? The police have to find and stop this person before his M.O. gets completely out of control

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?

Who is committing these murders and why?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?

The motivation of the killer and the suspicion that the lead detective might actually be the killer

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?

Will he be killed by the suspect…or by his fellow officers?

.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

What I learned doing this assignment is to acknowledge the need for all of the following elements to keep the viewer engaged

SICARIO Thriller Conventions

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: FBI agent Kate Macer

Dangerous Villains: Drug cartel leader Manuel Diaz and his boss Fausto Alarcon. Also the anti-hero CIA agents who recruit Kate

High stakes: The continued smuggling of drugs into the U.S. and the murders of those who try to stop it

Life and death situations: Kate’s kidnap response team raid an Arizona tract house to investigate; she’s shot at and almost killed.

A booby trapped storage hut explodes, killing two officers

She’s recruited by D.O.D. and CIA agents to bring Diaz’ brother to the U.S. to question him about his brother’s whereabouts; an ambush at the U.S. point of entry leads to a shoot-out

A decision is made to enter Mexico through a smuggling tunnel and take the fight directly to the cartel members

A shoot-out in the tunnel ensues; CIA member Alejandro shoots Kate in her Kevlar vest to stop her from impeding his kidnapping of a corrupt Mexican police officer with a squad car full of drugs

Alejandro sneaks onto the grounds of the cartel leader Alarcon to take revenge for his having killed Alejandro’s family earlier

Alejandro later puts a gun to Kate’s head to sign a document saying everything was done legally

This movie is thrilling because? Both the American CIA agents and cartel members are killers and Kate is caught in the middle

Big mystery: How can they stop the flow of drugs?

Big Intrigue: The power of the cartel’s use of bribery, trafficking and murder

Big Suspense: Will they succeed in their illegal cross-border raid?

Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?

Action combined with moral ambiguity

.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams

I agree to the terms of this release form

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Ian Patrick Williams

11 scripts

I’ve written in other genres; time to give this one a try

I’ve been a professional actor for 40 years

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Hi Rita:

I get that you’re going for irony that your protagonist lectures on authenticity and then acts in a most unethical way. But I think that makes her pretty unlikeable. Why wouldn’t a smart well-to-do woman just present herself as she actually is to a potential date? If on the other hand she were say, a struggling artist who really needs a job, she could stretch the truth a little by saying she knows how to paint a house. In fact she could also get her struggling artist friends some money instead of hiring some random ‘losers’ in a parking lot. I just think underdogs are easier to root for. But I wish you best of luck getting this to producers.

[Ian Patrick Williams]

Jalynn:

Thanks for the kind words; I’ll take a look at that bio. I really like your story–I assume you’ve seen Chloe Zhao’s The Rider which had great footage of a real ‘horse whisperer’. One thing: when and how does his mother die and at who’s hand? It’s such an important beat, I think it needs some clarification.

Thanks,

Ian