Jack Sherry
Forum Replies Created
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Jack’s New Max Interest Scene – Lesson 25
LOGLINE: The police come to ask questions about the murder
ESSENCE: Philip is a traitor
SCENE:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
BRANDY (20’s) acts out an imaginary scene in front of PHILIP (20’s)
BRANDY
But officer, I had no idea the gun could go off by itself. (entertaining)
(to Philip)
I’ll get a million likes on Facebook! (status seeking)
(now serious)
I can’t believe they’re onto you, Philip. But don’t worry. I’ll protect you at all costs.
PHILIP
Just stick to the plan and we’ll be fine. There’s no way they’ll arrest a Collier. Our family founded this town. (sense of entitlement)
LATER
Brandy and Philip sit on the couch. Philip is visibly on edge (guilt ridden).
BRANDY
I don’t know if I can do this, Philip. What if they find out the truth?
PHILIP
(slyly)
Trust me, Brandy. We’ve come too far to turn back now. Remember, we have each other’s backs. (manipulative)
The doorbell rings, causing Philip to jump. (guilt ridden)
Philip takes a deep breath and opens the door to reveal two POLICE OFFICERS (40’s).
POLICE OFFICER #1
Good afternoon, sir. We’re here to ask you a few questions regarding the murder.
Philip puts on a facade of innocence.
PHILIP Of course, officers. Anything I can do to help. I’m just as shocked and appalled as everyone else. (polite)
POLICE OFFICER 2
Sir, you come with me.
He takes Philip into another room.
Police Officer 1 sits next to Brandy.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Brandy, we have evidence that says Philip assisted you with the murder.
BRANDY
Philip had nothing to do with it. He was out of town.
POLICE OFFICER 1
You are under arrest.
He handcuffs her.
Brandy’s eyes dart around the room as she formulates a response.
BRANDY (defiantly) I assure you, officer, I have no knowledge of any of this, except what I heard on the news. I am a law-abiding citizen.
INT. HOLDING CELL
Brandy sits alone in a dimly lit holding cell, her expression a mixture of fear and anger. Philip enters, a smug grin on his face.
BRANDY (furious) You set me up, Philip! How could you betray me like this?
PHILIP (chuckling) I’m a lawyer and you’re from the wrong side of town. (sense of entitlement)
Brandy’s eyes widen in realization as the truth sinks in.
INT. POLICE STATION – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
The scene shifts back to the Interrogating officer as he looks at a written report in disbelief.
POLICE OFFICER 1
(to himself)
It doesn’t add up. She couldn’t have done it.
FADE OUT.
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Logline: After Thatcher realizes Judge Collins is not his father and that his mother has been lying to him his entire life, he offers a truce with his mother, but he is actually getting ready to enact his revenge by allowing Sara to secretly confront Senator Pushkin.
Structural Interest Techniques:.
Suspense: Thatcher, who has just discovered he is not the biological son of the man who raised him, now realizes he is not the half brother to Sara, the woman he now realizes he loves, but she now has no interest in him since he took his mother’s side in their legal battle. Since we know Sara wants Thatcher to arrange a meeting with his mother’s partner, there is suspense in how he can do this and if his mother will find out.
Major Twist: Since the major twist of Thatcher discovering he is not related to Sara, he now wants a new type of relationship with her, but in another major twist, she is no longer interested in him, as a brother or as a friend since he is involved with his mother in wanting the Coast Guard Station to replace the condo Sara received.
Surprise: With Thatcher completely rattled with his “All is Lost” moment, which is that his goal of becoming wealthy through ownership in the Coast Guard Station is now shot, he sees his mother is the villain and seeks revenge.
More interesting setting: Thatcher confronts his mother on his boat instead of the condo.
INT. THATCHER’S BOAT – DAY
In his classic crabbing boat, Thatcher watches his mother walk along the dock toward him.
She smiles hello, steps down into the boat.
TAMMY
Been a long time since I’ve been on your boat. Looks good.
THATCHER
You’ve never liked the boats I make, so don’t pretend you do.
TAMMY
I just said it looks good. I thought this was supposed to be a truce.
THATCHER
Well, I wanted to talk to you out here where we won’t be interrupted. I know how you feel about Sara, but she knows all about the payments from the Caymans and the money coming from the Chinese dude. We need to make a plan.
TAMMY
I’m listening.
THATCHER
I’d like to set up a meeting with Senator Pushkin to discuss offering Sara a piece of the action.
TAMMY
How much?
THATCHER
Five percent.
TAMMY
Have you run this by her?
THATCHER
I guaranteed her it would eventually be worth a hundred grand.
TAMMY
Easily.
THATCHER
Can you get the senator to come by the condo?
TAMMY
When?
THATCHER
I know you two are an item. Tell him I’m out of town and you’ve got the place to yourself. Any evening.
TAMMY
I’ll call and let you know. I’m glad you’re still on the team.
THATCHER
Business team anyway.
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Jack’s Reveals
Logline: Mrs Baldwin DEMANDS to know why Tammy’s ex-husband left his house to his law clerk, Sara, Vicky’s daughter, which is COVERED UP by Vicky until REVEALED when Vicky is called a baby mama and explains the judge, whom she knew in high school, was her daughter’s father
What I learned from this assignment is to think out what needs to be covered up and then how best to reveal it.
SCENE
INT. CONDO ENTRY – DAY
Vicky sees Mrs. Baldwin through the glass front door, opens it. Mrs. Baldwin extends her hand. Vicky shakes it.
MRS. BALDWIN
Hi, there. Blair Baldwin. I’m treasurer of the condo association.
VICKY
Oh, hi. Come in. Which condo is yours?
MRS. BALDWIN
On the other side, fourteen.
Vicky backs up and allows Mrs. Baldwin to enter.
She strides past Vicky and plops down on a bar stool as if she owned the place.
MRS. BALDWIN (CONT’D)
I’ve always loved this view. So, is your husband with y’all?
VICKY
Don’t have one.
MRS. BALDWIN
(laughing) Divorced like the rest of us.
VICKY
I’m single.
MRS. BALDWIN
So, … you’re a baby mama?
Vicky, indignant, doesn’t reply.
MRS. BALDWIN (CONT’D)
Where y’all from?
VICKY
D.C.
MRS. BALDWIN
What do you do?
VICKY
I sell cars.
MRS. BALDWIN
What kind?
VICKY
Previously owned.
Mrs. Baldwin is satisfied she’s better than Vicky.
MRS. BALDWIN
Have you heard about the eminent domain?
VICKY
No, what’s that?
MRS. BALDWIN
The federal government is taking over the condos on this side of the property, you know, next to the canal, for a Coast Guard facility.
VICKY
Huh. Well, my daughter’s an attorney.
MRS. BALDWIN
I heard she worked for Judge Collins.
VICKY
Law clerk.
MRS. BALDWIN
And he left her the condo?
VICKY
He did.
MRS. BALDWIN
Hmm.
They stare at each other, sizing each other up.
MRS. BALDWIN (CONT’D)
That’s very unusual, don’t you think?
VICKY
What’s so unusual?
MRS. BALDWIN
You know, an old man leaving his condo to his young, beautiful assistant.
VICKY
What are you insinuating?
MRS. BALDWIN
You know.
Vicky holds up a finger.
VICKY
Excuse me for a second.
Vicky leaves the living room for the office, quickly returns with some of the old photos.
She sorts through, pulls out the judge as a boy in a football uniform, shows it to Mrs. Baldwin.
MRS. BALDWIN
Is this George? My word. Look at all that hair.
Vicky next hands her two photos of her: one running track and another in a cheer leading outfit.
VICKY
George got me pregnant in high school. Your Honor’s my baby daddy.
Mrs. Baldwin, shocked, slides off the bar stool, stumbles toward the door.
VICKY (CONT’D)
He wanted me to have an abortion. I was on my way to college on a track scholarship but had Sara instead.
Mrs. Baldwin hurries out the door.
MRS. BALDWIN
(sticking it to her)
He did the same thing to Tammy, but, he married her.
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Jack’s Character Relationships
What I learned from this assignment is that doing this exercise gives me ideas that will make my story much better.
Top 5 Characters
SARA – Intelligent city girl, determined, distrustful, introverted
THATCHER – Laid back country boy, introverted, smart, sneaky
VICKY – Jokester, extroverted, concealing, mystical
TAMMY – Charming, deceptive, controlling, sabatour
LOUIS – Loner, playful, needy, used to getting what he wants
PAIRS
PAIR #1 – Sara/Thatcher – Thatcher wants to know why his father left their waterfront condo to Sara, his father’s law clerk. He takes her for a boat trip ostensibly to show her the area, but really to quiz her (sneaky – competition).
Contrast – He is a laid-back country boy. She, a driven city girl.
Rapport – They both want to save the bay from development
Conflict – Thatcher really wants the development to happen so he can have a better job
Competition – Thatcher and Sara compete with each other as to their relationship with Thatcher’s father who is Sara’s boss
Subtext – Each of these two don’t know who their real family is
PAIR # 2 – Sara/Vicky – Vicky, Sara’s mother, is a used car saleswoman, always joking, trying to look smart by using big words (that comically don’t apply to the situation).
Contrast – Sara is introverted, wounded because she was raised without a father, introverted. Vicky is her extroverted, funny mother.
Rapport – They both want each other to do well in life
Conflict – Sara, a straight-laced lawyer, plays by the rules. Vicky, a used-car saleswoman, doesn’t.
Competition – They compete in their ways to save the bay – Sara with legal arguments, Vicky with political pressure
Subtext – Vicky has been lying to Sara about who Sara’s father is
PAIR # 3 Vicky/Louis – Louis is a wealthy NY banker who wants Vicky as a girlfriend. Vicky sees Louis as a rich playmate but learns his secrets and uses them to save the bay.
Contrast – Louis is very successful, smart. Vicky is not successful, uneducated.
Rapport – They are attracted to each other and use each other for sex and self gratification.
Conflict – Vicky learns Louis’s mega yacht is the real reason for the new development on the bay – to widen the inlet so his yacht can come into the bay to his dock.
Competition – Vicky competes with Louis’s ideas of how to enjoy life
Subtext – Vicky and Louis each get what they really want from each other
PAIR # 4 Thatcher/Tammy – Tammy is Thatcher’s mother, who wants the condo complex torn down so she can own the building that will be built for the Coast Guard Station and rent it to the government.
Contrast – Thatcher is a laid-back fisherman. Tammy is a go-getter real estate broker.
Rapport – They both secretly want the development.
Conflict – Thatcher learns the judge was not his real father.
Competition – They compete for the truth.
Subtext – Tammy cares more about wealth than her son.
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Logline: Maxine gets her secret off her chest, but it backfires. Renee has her own secrets, but they come back to haunt her as well.
Essence: Renee and Maxine are two peas in a pod.
Trait changed: Maxine from tricky to naïve.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A dimly lit, elegant restaurant. RENEE (30’s), sitting up in her chair with an air of sophistication, listens intently to MAXINE (20’s) as she takes a sip of wine.
MAXINE (nervously laughing)
She might as well have been wearing a clown suit.
Renee smiles politely.
RENEE
I know everyone loves stories of what Emily wears to the club, but I had a feeling you brought me here to tell me something else.
Suddenly Maxine has apprehension written all over her face. The tension between them is palpable.
RENEE (smiling sweetly)
Maxine, darling, I want you to know that you can trust me with anything
MAXINE (nervously)
Thank you, Renee. It could ruin everything if this gets out.
RENEE
Is it about Emily? Rest assured, Maxine. I will guard it as if it were my own. Your secret is safe with me.
Renee’s eyes get serious as she tries to show appreciation for Maxine’s predicament.
Maxine exhales, a mix of relief and apprehension.
MAXINE (sincerely)
I appreciate your loyalty. Okay, so, …. I had an affair with Charles.
RENEE
Emily would kill you. And your husband’s business partner! This could crash the company.
MAXINE
Nobody will ever find out. It was just a couple of weeks, you know, and it’s over now.
Renee shrugs.
RENEE
No harm, no foul. Nobody ever needs to know.
MAXINE
I just wanted you to know because you could tell something was wrong. But it’s over.
RENEE
You can always confide in me. I love you, girl.
MAXINE
Maxine tears up, wipes her eyes.
I need the rest room. You?
RENEE
No, I’m good.
Maxine stands and leaves. Renee pulls out her phone, makes a call.
RENEE
Mortgage your house and short Charles’ company’s stock.
There’s some news about to break, but it won’t come out until you tell me you placed the trade.
Pause while she listens.
Deal. You can pay back the loan and she’ll never know, and neither will my husband. We’ll make enough to live in Hawaii together the rest of our lives. I love you.
She hangs up, takes a satisfying sip of wine and relaxes, smiling.
Maxine returns. She gets a text as she sits down, reads it, is shocked.
Her eyes widen.
MAXINE (with a mix of anger and fear)
You snake!
RENEE (coolly) Oh, Maxine, don’t be so melodramatic. In the real world, secrets are simply tools to be kept for future use. Circumstances change, and secrets become… you know, bargaining chips.
Maxine’s face contorts with anger and desperation.
MAXINE (desperately) I thought we were friends!
RENEE (smugly) Friends are merely pawns in the game of life, my dear.
Maxine’s voice trembles with a mix of vulnerability and defiance.
MAXINE (defiantly)
I won’t let you ruin my life, Renee. I know things about you, too.
Renee’s gaze hardens, her determination evident.
RENEE (coolly) Do what you must, Maxine. In the end, it’s every woman for herself.
The air between them crackles with tension as they lock eyes, both fully aware that their friendship has been shattered.
Renee stands and leaves, a smirk on her face.
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Logline: Maxine gets her secret off her chest, but it backfires. Renee has her own secrets, but they also backfire.
Essence: Renee and Maxine are two peas in a pod.
Trait changed: Maxine from tricky to naïve.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A dimly lit, elegant restaurant. RENEE (30’s), sitting up in her chair with an air of sophistication, listens intently to MAXINE (20’s) as she takes a sip of wine.
MAXINE (nervously laughing)
She might as well have been wearing a clown suit.
Renee smiles politely.
RENEE
I know everyone loves stories of what Emily wears to the club, but I had a feeling you brought me here to tell me something else.
Suddenly Maxine has apprehension written all over her face. The tension between them is palpable.
RENEE (smiling sweetly)
Maxine, darling, I want you to know that you can trust me with anything
MAXINE (nervously)
Thank you, Renee. It could ruin everything if this gets out.
RENEE
Is it about Emily? Rest assured, Maxine. I will guard it as if it were my own. Your secret is safe with me.
Renee’s eyes get serious as she tries to show appreciation for Maxine’s predicament.
Maxine exhales, a mix of relief and apprehension.
MAXINE (sincerely)
I appreciate your loyalty. Okay, so, …. I had an affair with Charles.
RENEE
Emily would kill you. And your husband’s business partner! This could crash the company.
MAXINE
Nobody will ever find out. It was just a couple of weeks, you know, and it’s over now.
Renee shrugs.
RENEE
No harm, no foul. Nobody ever needs to know.
MAXINE
I just wanted you to know because you could tell something was wrong. But it’s over.
RENEE
You can always confide in me. I love you, girl.
MAXINE
Maxine tears up, wipes her eyes.
I need the rest room. You?
RENEE
No, I’m good.
Maxine stands and leaves. Renee pulls out her phone, makes a call.
RENEE
Mortgage your house and short Charles’ company’s stock.
There’s some news about to break, but it won’t come out until you tell me you placed the trade.
Pause while she listens.
Deal. You can pay back the loan and she’ll never know, and neither will my husband. We’ll make enough to live in Hawaii together the rest of our lives. I love you.
She hangs up, takes a satisfying sip of wine and relaxes, smiling.
Maxine returns. She gets a text as she sits down, reads it, is shocked.
Her eyes widen.
MAXINE (with a mix of anger and fear)
You snake!
RENEE (coolly) Oh, Maxine, don’t be so melodramatic. In the real world, secrets are simply tools to be kept for future use. Circumstances change, and secrets become… you know, bargaining chips.
Maxine’s face contorts with anger and desperation.
MAXINE (desperately) I thought we were friends!
RENEE (smugly) Friends are merely pawns in the game of life, my dear.
Maxine’s voice trembles with a mix of vulnerability and defiance.
MAXINE (defiantly)
I won’t let you ruin my life, Renee. I know things about you, too.
Renee’s gaze hardens, her determination evident.
RENEE (coolly) Do what you must, Maxine. In the end, it’s every woman for herself.
The air between them crackles with tension as they lock eyes, both fully aware that their friendship has been shattered.
Renee stands and leaves, a smirk on her face.
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Jack’s Lesson 14 Scene
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
SQUIRE (20s) sits at a table sipping his coffee. He notices NANCY (20’S), sitting alone at a nearby table. He stands and approaches.
SQUIRE (smiling)
Well, well, well. Look who’s here. How are you, Nancy.
Nancy looks up, slightly irritated.
NANCY (sarcastically)
Hello, Squire. What do you want this time?
SQUIRE (playfully)
Me, want? Can’t a guy simply enjoy a cup of coffee in the presence of a beautiful lady like yourself?
Nancy rolls her eyes but can’t help but crack a smile.
NANCY (slightly intrigued)
Yeah, right. What’s your angle this time? You always want something.
SQUIRE (leans in)
I need your help, Nancy. I can’t stop thinking about Emily. Could you put in a good word for me, you know, help me get a date with her?
Nancy raises an eyebrow, skeptical but curious.
NANCY (suspiciously) And why would I help you get a date with Emily?
SQUIRE
Flashing his trademark smile
Because you know how to get things like this done, being social and all.
Come on, put in a good word for me,
Nancy’s interest is piqued.
NANCY (mockingly) So, you think your charm won’t be enough to win her over?
SQUIRE
Emily’s father’s my boss, and he’s a huge guy with a lot of tough friends. One of them is called Gorilla. If I were to pursue her directly, it might create complications and they might come after me. But with your help, maybe she’ll give me a chance, you know, without my boss knowing about it..
Nancy’s expression changes, indicating intrigue mixed with disbelief.
NANCY (confused) Wait a minute. Who is your boss? My dad knows a guy called Gorilla. Black hair, big tattoo of a monkey on his arm?
SQUIRE
Yeah, that’s him. You know him?
NANCY
Not really, just of him. Who’s your boss?
SQUIRE
That’s not important. Emily’s the one I’m talking about.
NANCY
Tell me who your boss is and I’ll help you.
SQUIRE
I don’t know his real name. Everyone calls him Cheese
NANCY
What’s he look like?
SQUIRE
Tall, bald, glasses.
Emily stares at him, mouth open.
EMILY
What kind of clothes does he wear?
SQUIRE
Mostly blue jeans and a sports jacket, always has a nice shirt.
Emily stands up, paces.
EMILY
What do you do for him?
SQUIRE
It’s confidential. Not full time, you know, I do things for him when he calls me.
Different stuff.
NANCY (stunned)
This can’t be right. Your boss is… my father?
SQUIRE (apologetically)
I had no idea.
NANCY
Oh, my God. Emily’s my half sister!
Nancy’s emotions fluctuate between anger and hurt.
NANCY (teary-eyed)
Maybe we can help each other out, here.
Why don’t you come over to my house for dinner?
I’ll tell Mom and Dad you’re my new boyfriend.
SQUIRE (softly) I understand how you feel, but this may really piss him off.
He may send Gorilla to see me because of you, not Emily.
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JACK’S MAX INTEREST SCENE
LOGLINE: Squire, a seductive charmer, uses his happy-go-lucky skills to convince Nancy, stubborn and confrontational, to help him win the heart of Nancy’s nemesis, Emily.
ESSENCE – Squire doesn’t realize Nancy is interested in him.
What I learned from this assignment is to list the traits and interest points and try to incorporate them.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
SQUIRE (20s) sits at a table sipping his coffee. He notices NANCY (20’S), sitting alone at a nearby table. He stands and approaches.
SQUIRE (smiling)
Well, well, well. Look who’s here. How are you, Nancy?
Nancy looks up, slightly irritated.
NANCY (sarcastically)
Hello, Squire. What’ do you want this time?
SQUIRE (playfully)
Me, want? Can’t a guy simply enjoy a cup of coffee in the presence of a beautiful lady like yourself?
Nancy rolls her eyes but can’t help but crack a smile.
NANCY (slightly intrigued)
Yeah, right. What’s up?
SQUIRE (leans in)
I need your help, Nancy. I can’t stop thinking about Emily. Could you put in a good word for me, you know, help me get a date with her?
Nancy raises an eyebrow, skeptical but curious.
NANCY (suspiciously)
And why would I help you get a date with Emily?
Squire flashes his trademark smile
SQUIRE
Because you know how to get things like this done, being social and all.
Come on, put in a good word for me,
Nancy’s interest is piqued.
NANCY (mockingly)
So, you don’t think your charm will be enough to win her over?
SQUIRE
Emily’s father’s my boss, and he’s a huge guy with a lot of tough friends. One of them’s even called Gorilla. If I were to pursue her directly, it might create complications and they might come after me. But with your help, maybe she’ll give me a chance, you know, without my boss knowing about it..
Nancy’s expression changes, indicating intrigue mixed with disbelief.
NANCY (confused)
Wait a minute. Who’s your boss? My dad knows a guy called Gorilla. Black hair, big tattoo of a monkey on his arm?
SQUIRE
Yeah, that’s him. You know him?
NANCY
Not really, just of him. Who’s your boss?
SQUIRE
That’s not important. Emily’s the one I’m talking about.
NANCY
Tell me who your boss is and I’ll help you.
SQUIRE
I don’t know his real name. Everyone calls him Cheese
NANCY
What’s he look like?
SQUIRE
Tall, bald, glasses.
Emily stares at him, mouth open.
EMILY
What kind of clothes does he wear?
SQUIRE
Mostly blue jeans and a sports jacket, always has a nice shirt.
Emily stands up, paces.
EMILY
What kind of job do you do for him?
SQUIRE
It’s confidential. Not full time, you know, I do things for him when he calls me.
Different stuff.
NANCY (stunned)
This can’t be right. Your boss is… my father?
SQUIRE
What? I had no idea.
NANCY
Oh, my God. Emily’s my half sister!
Nancy’s emotions fluctuate between anger and hurt.
NANCY (teary-eyed)
You know, she really is a bitch.
Maybe we can help each other out, here.
Why don’t you come over to my house for dinner?
I’ll tell Mom and Dad you’re my new boyfriend.
SQUIRE (softly)
I understand how you feel, but this may really piss him off.
He may send Gorilla to see me because of you, not Emily.
Nancy takes his coffee, puts it on the table, takes his arm and heads for the door.
NANCY
Let’s go over to your place. I want to get to know you better.
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Jack’s Challenging situations
What I learned from this assignment is to brainstorm ways to challenge my characters
SCENE 1
Scene logline – Thatcher takes Sara to her first farmer’s market
Essence – City-girl Sara needs to be taught food doesn’t come from the grocery store
Brainstorm challenges –
1. Thatcher’s girlfriend Jenny shows up, taking Thatcher’s mind off Sara
2. Vendor sees resemblance of Sara to her father, but not Thatcher, whom he is supposed to resemble but doesn’t
New Summary – now the scene challenges Thatcher’s thinking he is his father’s son when she looks like their father more than he does
Also, now we see a new challenge in how Thatcher handles women and find out he has no skills with them
SCENE 2
Scene logline – Sara speaks at the public meeting about saving the environment
Essence – Sara shows her legal skills but they are not enough
Brainstorm
1. Sara sees Thatcher’s girlfriend Jenny and her mind is taken off her speech
2. Thatcher’s mother is at the hearing and tells her son he should not be on Sara’s side
3. Thatcher fails to impress Sara and she is done with him
4. Sara plans to blackmail her way to get what she wants
New Summary – Sara realizes she must change from using legal skills to using political threats which she previously hated to get what she wants
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Jack’s Full Out Characters
What I learned from this assignment is that I have to rewrite every screenplay I’ve written
From The Screenplay THE REASON WHY
Logline: When a city-girl D.C. lawyer receives the waterfront condo of the judge she worked for in his will, she visits the property to find out she’s his daughter and has a country boy half brother. Together they must save it’s destruction by a corrupt senator who wants the property to be a Coast Guard Station so his major contributor can get his mega yacht through the presently unnavigable, narrow winding inlet channel.
1. Sara (30) – Protagonist,
BEFORE TRAITS – Lawyer, bookworm, never had a father, unsure of herself, never been out of the city – never has known country folk
AFTER TRAITS – Self reliant, Suspicious, doesn’t trust men, confident
MAIN SUBTEXT – She discovers the judge she worked for was her father and her life was never as it seemed
2. Vicky (late 40’s) – Mother of Lead Character Sara
BEFORE TRAITS – Insurance agent, avoids risk, never been out of D.C., uses big words to try to show she’s smarter than she is to keep up with her daughter, a lawyer
AFTER TRAITS – Car Salesman, always telling jokes, tries to show confidence but actually afraid of change, conniving, clever
SUBTEXT – She had been lying to her daughter her entire life about who her father was
3. Thatcher (28) – Protagonist
BEFORE TRAITS – Good old boy fisherman who didn’t want to be a lawyer like his father, the Judge Sara worked for. He works in a Maritime Museum building historic wooden boats
AFTER TRAITS – Fisherman who is on probation for battery in a bar fight
SUBTEXT – He doesn’t know how to handle women
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Jack”s Face to Face Standoff Scene
LOGLINE: Nick plays John a game of chess in order to get computer files from him
ESSENCE: Nick must get the computer files from Nick in order to save his own life
EXT. MANSION – DAY
At the magnificent wooden front door of a beautifully-landscaped mansion, NICK (30’s) looks around, impressed with the surroundings, KNOCKS.
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
A grand entryway with large crystal chandelier and double circular stairway.
PABLO (40’s), a thick-chested tough hombre in a suit, opens the door, lets Nick in, but puts an arm across Nick’s chest as he closes the door, restraining him from moving forward.
Pablo frisks Nick thoroughly.
He takes him by the arm and leads him through the entryway to the open door of a study.
INT. STUDY – DAY
Floor to ceiling bookshelves on three ways with a sliding ladder to get to the higher shelves.
A coffee table with an elaborate marble chess set sits in front of a love seat.
JOHN (40’s) sits behind an ornate desk. He remains sitting as Pablo brings Nick in.
Pablo nods, then leaves.
JOHN
Where’s the gang?
NICK
This is between you and me. (Confident, doesn’t need any help)
Nick walks forward, stops at the chess set, picks up a queen, examines it.
John displays a handgun.
JOHN
You got balls to come over here by yourself.
NICK
I’ve got my brain. Who needs a weapon?
Let’s play chess for it.
JOHN
You, a peon, want to play me in chess. Do you even know how?
NICK
I need the lap top. My life depends on it.
You beat me, I walk away. (manipulation)
JOHN
It’s my laptop. I’m the one who got it. You pussies were too scared. (Daring)
I’m loyal to those who pay me what it’s worth.
NICK
That wasn’t the deal.
Nick pulls a chair up to the coffee table.
NICK
Your loyalty gets you no friends, which is what loyalty is supposed to be all about, right? (loyal)
I see the board isn’t even set up to play an opponent. What do you do, play yourself?
JOHN
I read books on it. (loner)
NICK
Chess is a game of discipline, something you’ll never have –– Is that why you used our plan to steal everything for yourself? (rebellious)
Nick slides the white queen’s pawn out two.
Why don’t we have our fight right here on the chess board?
John brings his gun, sits on the love seat, pushes out the black queen bishop’s pawn two spaces.
NICK
Sicilian Defense. I would think yours would be two shots to the back of the head.
Fast Action on the table – ten fast moves, pieces fly off the board as the conversation continues normally as if they were talking before they started playing.
NICK
I’ll make sure nobody ever bothers you again.
JOHN
I’ll never trust anything you say. You’re a snake in the grass. (distrust)
Nick
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Check.
John moves out of check by taking a pawn. He holds it up.
JOHN
You’re just a pawn to them. You don’t even realize it.
Nick jumps in with his knight.
NICK
Not a pawn, no. I’m the knight in shining armour. Checkmate.
John reviews the board, sighs. He walks back over to the desk, pulls open a drawer, lands Nick a laptop.
Nick examines it, smiles, pulls out a wad of hundreds.
NICK
Hers’s what you wanted. (giver) Now, you’ll be loyal to me?
John checks the money, extends his hand.
JOHN
Deal’s a deal.
-
Jack’s Exchange Feedback Scene
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – DAY
Traditional bar with mirrored backdrop and shelves filled with bottles of every shape and color.
A large flat-screen TV is located above the far end where TRENT (20’S), smart blazer, white shirt, khaki pants and spit-shined black shoes, watches a basketball game on the screen sipping a clear-liquid drink with a lime floating on top.
A dozen other people mingle, laughing and watching the game.
ROBERT (20’s), the bartender, smoothly flips a bottle around and perfectly pours a drink from 12 inches above the glass, showing off to AMY (30’s), who sits in front of him.
GEORGE(40’s), the manager, smiles approvingly as he moves past him on the way out to the crowd.
GEORGE
You’re in a good mood.
ROBERT
Hit the trifecta yesterday.
Won three grand.
He flips the bottle with a double flip.
Down at the end of the bar, Trent looks at Amy, sees Robert showing off, frowns.
Robert glances around after his juggling feat to see who caught his act and notices Trent’s frowning disapproval.
A couple of men who liked Robert’s skills come closer. One gives a thumbs up.
ROBERT
Hey, y’all, guess who’s got big-time skeletons.
He motions for the two to lean in as if it’s going to be a big secret, a mischievous grin on his face. One sits next to Amy. The other comes behind them.
Robert chuckles, reveling in the attention.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You know Trent’s ex, Sara?
AMY
Yeah.
MAN 1
Who doesn’t?
ROBERT
She was seeing Trent’s father on the side.
The two men look at each other, amazed.
MAN 2
No shit?
ROBERT
I kid you not.
Two ladies hop up on seats next to Amy.
Robert, feeling like a man in charge, spins a couple of napkins in the air and lays them in front of the two.
A CHEER comes up at the end of the bar by those watching the basketball game.
Amy peels off and heads toward the cheering.
The man standing behind her takes her seat and smiles at the two ladies.
Amy stands beside Trent, looks at the TV.
AMY
Don’t look at me, but watch the game.
Trent complies.
AMY (CONT’D)
Robert says Sara was seeing your dad at the same time she was seeing you.
Trent stares at the TV as his face turns red.
TRENT
And he’s telling everyone this?
AMY
I guess. Told me and those guys who just sat down.
Trent gulps the rest of his drink down.
He notices George carrying a box of supplies into the men’s room. His eyes dart back and forth, and he rubs his chin, conspiring.
TRENT
I need a favor.
AMY
What?
TRENT
I need to set him straight.
AMY
Okay.
TRENT
Follow me.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
He leads her down a hallway to a supply room, turns the knob.
It opens to a dark room. He looks back. Nobody looking.
More CHEERING from around the corner at the TV.
TRENT
Will you cozy up to him and ask him to meet you in the supply room? Tell him you have something you want to show him in private, sort of flirt with him, you know?
AMY
I don’t know.
What are you going to do?
TRENT
I’m just going to talk to him, set him straight. I don’t want to have to wait until he’s off work, know what I mean? Nothing to worry about.
AMY
I’m sorry. I don’t want to get in the middle here.
TRENT
I’ve got a condo in Maui. You can have it for a week, or you can go with me and I’ll pay for everything. I like you, Amy, and I appreciate your letting me know the bullshit. You can have your own bedroom, you know, I mean, I like you and I’d like to do something cool like that with you, but I’m not trying to get in your pants.
Amy blushes, touches Trent on the arm.
AMY
Well, your dad was good to me when I worked for his campaign.
(pause)
Okay.
She smiles a tempting smile, then turns and prances toward the bar noise, looking back over her shoulder with a flirty flip of the hair.
Trent goes into the room, shuts the door.
INT. SUPPLY ROOM – DAY
In a pitch-black room, the door opens and we see Robert flip the light on. Trent waits behind the door.
Robert, smiling with anticipation, puts his hand on Amy’s back and ushers her in.
As soon as he closes the door, Trent SUCKER PUNCHES him, right on the chin.
Trent falls hard, completely stunned and shocked.
Trent follows up like a lion tearing up a deer, kicking him in the stomach time after time.
AMY
Trent! Stop! That’s enough!
TRENT
Get out!
AMY
You said don’t worry. Hey, Stop!
I could get in trouble here!
She backs away from him, afraid.
Trent grabs her, pushes her roughly toward the door.
TRENT
Get lost. Keep your mouth shut.
He opens the door, shoves her out.
He turns back to his prey, who now, MOANING, crawls to a corner, cowering.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Think you know something about my father, huh?
ROBERT
No, no, I was just ….
TRENT
Think you’re a hot shot with you clown act behind the bar. You ain’t shit, you peon.
He kicks Robert in the head, right through Robert’s attempt to defend himself with his arms.
Robert curls up into a fetal position.
ROBERT
(screaming)
Help!
Trent kicks him one more time in the stomach.
TRENT
That’s for the mayor.
ROBERT
Help!
The door opens. George is shocked to see Robert on the floor.
Trent rushes out past him as George goes down to check on Robert, whose face is pitiful, bloodied and swollen.
-
Outline: Robert, a bartender, hit the trifecta over the weekend and is showing off his bottle-flipping skills to Amy. Trent isn’t impressed and Robert notices, so Robert gossips about Trent to Amy. Amy tells Trent and Trent conspires with Amy to get Trent into the back room.
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – DAY
Traditional bar with mirrored backdrop and shelves filled with bottles of every shape and color.
A large flat-screen TV is located above the far end where TRENT (20’S), smart blazer, white shirt, khaki pants and spit-shined black shoes, watches a basketball game on the screen sipping a clear-liquid drink with a lime floating on top.
A dozen other people mingle, laughing and watching the game.
ROBERT (20’s), the bartender, smoothly flips a bottle around and perfectly pours a drink from 12 inches above the glass, showing off to AMY (30’s), who sits in front of him.
GEORGE(40’s), the manager, smiles approvingly as he moves past him on the way out to the crowd.
GEORGE
You’re in a good mood.
ROBERT
Hit the trifecta yesterday.
Won three grand.
He flips the bottle with a double flip.
GEORGE
You should be on America’s Got Talent.
Trent looks at Amy, sees Robert showing off, frowns.
Robert glances around after his juggling feat to see who caught his act and notices Trent’s frowning disapproval.
A couple of men who liked Robert’s skills come closer. One gives a thumbs up.
ROBERT
Hey, y’all, guess who’s got
big time skeletons.
He motions for the two to lean in as if it’s going to be a big secret, a mischievous grin on his face.
One sits next to Amy. The other comes behind them.
Robert chuckles, reveling in the attention.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You know Trent’s ex, Sara?
AMY
Yeah.
MAN 1
Who doesn’t?
ROBERT
She was seeing Trent’s father
on the side.
The two men look at each other, amazed.
MAN 2
No shit?
ROBERT
I kid you not.
AMY
Hard to believe she wouldn’t know she’d get caught doing something as stupid as that.
Two ladies hop up on seats next to Amy.
Robert, a man in charge and feeling good, spins a couple of napkins in the air and lays them in front of the two.
A CHEER comes up at the end of the bar by those watching the basketball game.
Amy peels off and heads toward the cheering.
The man standing behind her takes her seat and smiles at the two ladies.
Amy stands beside Trent, looks at the TV.
AMY (CONT’D)
Don’t look at me, but watch
the game.
Trent complies.
AMY (CONT’D)
The bartender says Sara was seeing your dad at the same time she was seeing you.
Trent stares at the TV as his face turns red.
TRENT
And he’s telling everyone this?
AMY
I guess. Told me and those guys who just sat down.
Trent gulps the rest of his drink down.
He notices George carrying a box of supplies into the men’s room.
TRENT
I need a favor.
AMY
Okay.
TRENT
I need to set him straight.
AMY
Okay.
TRENT
Follow me.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
He leads her down a hallway to a supply room, turns the knob.
It opens to a dark room. He looks back. Nobody looking.
More CHEERING from around the corner at the TV.
TRENT
Will you cozy up to him and ask him to meet you in the supply room? Tell him you have something you want to show him in private, sort of flirt with him, you know?
AMY
I don’t know.
What are you going to do?
TRENT
I’m just going to talk to him, set him straight. I don’t want to have to wait until he’s off work, know what I mean? Nothing to worry about.
AMY
I’m sorry. I don’t want to get in the middle here. I just wanted to tell you what he said, but he’ll know I conspired with you.
TRENT
I’ve got a condo in Maui. You can have it for a week, or you can go with me and I’ll pay for everything. I like you, Amy, and I appreciate your letting me know the bullshit. You can have your own bedroom, you know, I mean, I like you and I’d like to do something cool like that with you, but I’m not trying to get in your pants.
Amy blushes, touches Trent on the arm.
AMY
Well, your dad was good to my dad when he worked for him.
(pause)
Okay.
She smiles a tempting smile, then turns and prances toward the bar noise, looking back over her shoulder with a flirty flip of the hair..
Trent goes into the room, shuts the door.
INT. SUPPLY ROOM – DAY
In a pitch-black room, the door opens and we see Robert flip the light on. Trent waits behind the door.
Robert, smiling with anticipation, puts his hand on Amy’s back and ushers her in.
As soon as he closes the door, Trent SUCKER PUNCHES him, right on the chin.
Trent falls hard, completely stunned and shocked.
Trent follows up like a lion tearing up a deer, kicking him in the stomach time after time.
AMY
Trent! Stop! That’s enough!
TRENT
Get out!
AMY
You said don’t worry. I could get in trouble here!
She backs away from him, afraid.
Trent grabs her, pushes her roughly toward the door.
TRENT
Get lost. Keep your mouth shut.
He opens the door, shoves her out.
He turns back to his prey, who now, MOANING, crawls to a corner, cowering.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Think you know something about my father, huh?
ROBERT
No, no, I was just ….
TRENT
Think you’re a hot shot with you clown act behind the bar. You ain’t shit, you peon.
He kicks Robert in the head, though Robert’s attempt to defend himself with his arms.
Robert curls up into a fetal position.
ROBERT
(screaming)
Help!
Trent kicks him one more time in the stomach.
TRENT
That’s for my dad.
ROBERT
Help!
The door opens. George is shocked to see Robert on the floor.
Trent rushes out past him as George goes down to check on Robert, whose face is pitiful, bloodied and swollen.
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Jack’s Max Interest
What I learned is that using the techniques makes me think of new ways to improve scenes.
SCENE I CHOSE – From The Farmer’s Daughters
Scene Logline – Lyla sees the ocean for the first time and gets to know Jackson
Essence of the scene – Lyla, who is only in L.A. as a chaperone to her younger sister, finds a reason to want to be there herself.
Techniques to improve scene:
1. Suspense – We know something is going to happen to younger sister Sandi but she has told her chaperone older sister Lyla to go on with newly-met Jackson and leave her alone with the owner of a lounge who also produces porn.
2. Intrigue – Lyla, who rides bulls in the rodeo and fixes tractors on the farm, demonstrates her love of engines to Jackson, who drives a 1967 Shelby Mustang but knows little about his own engine.
3. Character changes radically – After Lyla refuses Jackson’s offer to put her up for the night so she doesn’t have to drive so far, he is revealed to be a private investigator who lost his license.
4. Uncertainty – Hope and Fear – After Lyla leaves, Jackson calls a friend to tell him Lyla would be perfect as a stunt double and she could even fix his old production truck.
Scene Rewrite
EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT – NIGHT
In a beach parking lot, Jackson parks his Shelby Mustang.
Lyla pulls the old pick up next to him. Both get out.
JACKSON
You drove that all the way
from Kentucky?
LYLA
Got over 300,000 miles.
Check it out.
Lyla flips open the hood, lights it up with her phone.
LYLA (CONT’D)
Head only has ten thousand on it.
She tinkers with the carburetor.
JACKSON
Don’t tell me you’re a mechanic.
LYLA
I can fix any engine before computers. Like my dad says,
”Take care of your equipment and it’ll take care of you”.
They take off their shoes, walk to the beach.
Lyla looks up at the moon, then the water, then the coastline.
LYLA
You were right; amazing
They test the water.
LYLA (CONT’D)
Thanks for bringing me here, even if the water is absolutely fucking freezing.
Jackson laughs.
LYLA
But twenty-four hours ago I was just driving into town, so I think I need to get these wet feet into a dry bed.
JACKSON
I got a guest bedroom, less than five minutes from here. You got a half hour drive. No funny business, I promise.
LYLA
No, but thanks. You know,
“It’s a wrap.” Right?
She moves her fingers like quotation marks. Raises her eyes as if asking if her lingo is right.
JACKSON
You got it. It’s a wrap.
Jackson leads her away from the water.
JACKSON (CONT’D)
But I gotta tell you, after meeting and listening to Sandi, and talking to you, she’s okay, but you have what it takes.
LYLA
What do you mean?
JACKSON
You have the looks, the confidence, special talents, you can decline invitations in a respectful way, you’re responsible. You got charisma, girl, I mean it.
LYLA
You L.A. boys, I gotta tell ya, you really know your bullshit.
JACKSON
Look who’s talking. At least I’ve never landed in any.
They arrive at the truck. Lyla gets in, smiles good bye through the open window and leaves.
Jackson watches her leave, then makes a call.
JACKSON
Hey, got a new stunt woman for you. She rides bulls and barrel races, … yeah, no shit. She’s also a mechanic and could probably get that old production truck running.
NEW LOGLINE: Lyla sees an ocean for the first time and reveals new automotive skills to Jackson, who makes plans for her without her knowledge.
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Jack Profiles People
What I learned is that I have people I know that are unusual and interesting to draw characteristics from.
Person 1
Lawyer, intelligent, but became involved with one of his clients and turned into a marijuana smuggler and distributor, ended up with millions, but then became a fugitive, lost his family then lived under a fake name with another family for 6 years, continuing his pot distribution, making more millions, then lost it all, including his second family and went to prison for another 7 years, then got out and started all over again with friends from his first life.
Person 2
Hard working teenager, member of a world championship skydiving team, talked his way into getting 1 million from an investor to turn a hotel on South Beach in Miami into condos back in 1975, which started the conversion of South Beach into what it is today. Then he moved to Orlando and bought and sold large buildings, cars, planes, boats and eventually moved to Bejing to start a Chinese travel agency which went bust when Covid hit. Now back in Orlando doing it all again by talking a bank into a 17 million loan at 3.4% last year.
Person 3
As a ten year old, she had to endure her mother leaving for another life. She worked her way through college, taking eight years through two failed marriages, then became a successful insurance agent, married the boss, retired and became a sailboat captain for 25 years.
Script I chose – Sailboat Bay
Sara – city girl, vegan, hard working law clerk for federal judge, never knew a father, ambitious
Thatcher – country boy, fisherman, boat builder, satisfied with his easy-going life
Vicky – Sara’s mother, used car saleswoman, always telling jokes, making up words so she can pretend she’s educated,
Tammy – Thatcher’s mother, sneaky, devious, got pregnant in college and told a wealthy student it was his child so she could marry him
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Jack Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is to think about essence with every scene
Script I choose: Sailboat Bay
Scene 1 Location: Turning Point Act 1
Logline: Sara learns the reason why she inherited her boss’s condo is that he is her father.Purpose of the Scene: To end Act One with a big reveal, the reason why Sara inherited her boss; condo
Essence I’ve discovered: The essence of Sara and her mother’s relationship was based on familiarity, now it will based on trust.
New Logline: Sara learns her mother had been lying to her about who her father was for 30 years.
Scene 2 Location: Beginning of Act 2.
Logline: Sara and Thatcher discuss learning they are half-siblingsPurpose of this scene – to establish our two protagonists as newly-discovered family
Essence I’ve discovered: Thatcher, who complains all the girls he likes treat him like a brother, is now glad to actually be one.
New Logline: Sara and Thatcher become bonded as family.
Scene 3 Location: Midpoint Turning Point
Logline: Thatcher discovers he isn’t related to Sara
Essence I’ve discovered: This story is about family and trust
New Logline: Thatcher learns his mother has been lying to him all his lifeScene 4 Location: All is Lost scene
Logline: Corruption wins when the permit to destroy the condo is issued
Essence I’ve discovered: Even this scene deals with family
New Logline: Sara must deal with her failure, including her relationship with ThatcherScene 5 Location: Final Scene
Logline: Thatcher and Sara give in to each other
Essence I’ve discovered: Sara’s transformation into someone who has learned to love the bay also includes the desire for her own family
New Logline: Sara and Thatcher decide to start their own family
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Jack Finds the Essence
What I learned is that there is more depth to great writing and it all
starts with getting to the essence of what you want to write.Script I choose: Chinatown
Scene 1 Location: Opening – Gittes’s Office
Logline: Gittes is a small-time investigator who handles divorce cases
Essence of Character: The essence of the protagonist is that he is an investigator who doesn’t handle big important cases but still thinks of himself as a professional who knows the real worldScene 2 Location: Opening – City Hall Counsel Chambers
Logline: The California farmers are panicked about how to take care of their animals without water
Essence of Concept: Introducing the important concept that Los Angeles has a big water problemScene 3 Location: Inciting Incident
Logline: Gittes has been working for the wrong person
Essence of Story: Gittes, who thinks himself clever, was duped. Now we know this story is about a big mystery and wonder about what is really going on.Scene 4 Location: Turning Point Act 1
Logline: The investigation turns from infidelity to cause of death when the body of Mulwray is found.
Essence of Character: Gittes has skills from his past as a police detective, but goes about his business in unconventional ways.Scene 5 Location: Turning Point Reveal Act 3
Logline: Evelyn had a child with her father
Essence of Story: The mystery, and the content of Noah Cross’s character is revealed when Evelyn exposes the truth about her daughter (and sister).My selection for most profound essence: – The scene where Gittes finally understands what is happening after Evelyn admits her father and she had a baby together.
-
Jack Sherry
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 11
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Better Skills
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
Unique – I spent 7 years helping to produce (credited as Associate Producer) a documentary about how the Masters Golf Tournament originated then experienced how it was sold to and aired on CBS
Special – I independently produced and then sold four documentaries to Discovery Channel
Unusual – I’m a former magician and still a member of The Magic Castle in L.A.
-
Jack Sherry
“I agree to the terms of this release form”:
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
0
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Jack Sherry’s Query Letter Draft 2
Title: Kennel Club
Genre – Half Hour romantic comedy
I have a half-hour comedy series pilot about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only
dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to lose her business, she secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her socially-challenged chess club so they can walk them to meet women, forming a new club called Kennel Club. Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park. The series has a unique protagonist who is an engaging lead for a bankable actor; in addition to being a Cesar Millan-type dog whisperer, she also gives dating advice and fixes relationships. Quirky characters in the chess club would also appeal to bankable actors, such as the fast-talking TV product pitchman who becomes her love interest in the first season and a Kevin-Hart type Uber driver who shuttles the men and dogs to dog parks, dog cafes and dog-walking streets giving outrageous advice in opposition to the female lead’s counseling. The series has big surprises, major twists and reversals, character betrayals, and wide audience appeal. With the success of Hitch, Cheers, and Queen’s Gambit, as well as dog shows like Dog Whisperer, Beethoven and Best In Show, the series will appeal to the targeted young-adult audience as well as the ninety million U.S. households with pets, and L.A. actors can make cameo appearances with their much-loved dogs making the show popular with themI have completed the pilot and second episode as well as a 90-page feature romcom version also tiled Kennel Club.
Bio: I have independently produced and sold four programs to Discovery Channel and was Associate Producer for independently-produced The Life and Times of Bobby Jones which was then sold to and aired on CBS. I’ve completed 11 screenplays, one of which took home the platinum award for Best Screenplay and three others that have been finalists in major screenplay competitions.
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Jack Sherry’s Query Letter First Draft
Title: Kennel Club
Genre – Half Hour romantic comedy
I have a half-hour comedy series pilot about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only
dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to go out of business, she secretly rents
out the dogs she grooms to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women,
forming a new club called Kennel Club. Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park. The series has
a unique protagonist who is an engaging lead for a bankable actor; in addition to being a CesarMillan-type dog whisperer, she also gives dating advice and fixes relationships. Quirky
characters in the chess club would also appeal to bankable actors, such as the fast-talking TV
product pitchman who becomes her love interest in the first season and a Kevin-Hart type Uber
driver who shuttles the men and dogs to dog parks, dog cafes and dog walking streets giving
outrageous advice in opposition to the female lead’s counseling. The series has big surprises,
major twists and reversals, character betrayals, and wide audience appeal. With the success of
Hitch, Cheers, and Queen’s Gambit, as well as dog shows like Beethoven and Best In Show, the
series will appeal to the targeted young-adult audience as well as the ninety million U.S.
households with pets, and L.A. actors can make cameo appearances with their much-loved dogs
making the show popular with them -
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Jack’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is to keep it short and concentrate on the hook.
1. Tell us your credibility.
I have won first place in an international screenplay contest and independently produced four shows which I sold to Discovery Channel. I also spent 7 years as an Associate Producer independently producing the story of the origin of the Masters Golf Tournament which aired on CBS.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
Romantic Comedy titled Kennel Club
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
A dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only dogs, secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women, only to find out her dog wants her to be with her nemesis.
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
What
is the budget range? One to Five MillionWhat
actors do you like for the lead roles? Zendaya and Chris HemsworthGive
me the acts of the story.In Act 1 we meet the male and female protagonists who become chess opponents. He beats her in chess using his fast-talking TV pitch voice to throw her off her game. She then becomes his dating coach, renting him the dogs she cares for so he can walk them to meet women.
Act 2 has the male lead use her own dog to successfully finding a girl he likes, which makes her mad at her dog because she now is interested in him. She beats him in chess using flirting techniques she has taught him, throwing him off his game.
Act 3 brings them together in their third chess match, but her dog intervenes and the match ends in a draw as the dog pushes them together proving to them that they should be a couple.
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What I learned from this lesson is to use the components of Lesson 6 to compose my query letter.
QUERY LETTER
My romcom Kennel Club features a female Cesar Millan, an L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to go out of business, she secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to socially-clueless members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women, only to find out her dog wants her to be with her nemesis. He’s a fast-talking country-boy TV pitch man from Alabama who is a great chess player but falls apart trying to talk to women. She becomes his dating coach and tells him to learn from the dogs of the ladies he is interested in, because they will indicate the personality of the woman. When he uses her dog, however, he discovers the dog knows what is best for her, and him: for them to be together. Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park.
Combining the success of Queen’s Gambit and Beethoven with a target audience of ninety million American homes with pets, as well as those who love dogs around the world, this story brings a Hitch style dating coach who is the only female member of her chess club to give advice to a new chess player who is the only one who can beat her. He uses his fast-talking TV pitch voice to throw her off her game in their first match, but she later turns the tables on him with her own style of flirting to come back and win the second. Her dog decides their final match and they both realize they are meant for each other.
A quirky group of chess players change their chess club into Kennel Club, using the adorable dogs of cameo L.A. actors who drop them off for grooming as well as relationship advice from our protagonist groomer. In the end she realizes she must use her own advice to overcome her trust of men issues to allow her much-loved dog to not only bring her happiness, but also teach her how to love again.
I’ve produced four shows that aired on Discovery and have written a first-place award winning screenplay as well as three others that were finalists in well-known contests. My love of dogs shines through this script, and I’d like to send it over to you should you find my high concept interesting and marketable.
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What I learned from this assignment is to shorten my Elevator pitch and concentrate on the character journey.
HIGH CONCEPT: A dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only dogs, secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women, only to find out her dog wants her to be with her nemesis.
ELEVATOR PITCH: I have a RomCom about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to go out of business, she secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women, only to find out her dog wants her to be with her nemesis. He’s a fast-talking country-boy TV pitch man from Alabama who is a great chess player but falls apart trying to talk to women. She becomes his dating coach and tells him to learn from the dogs of the ladies he is interested in, because they will indicate the personality of the woman. When he uses her dog, however, he discovers the dog knows what is best for her, and him: for them to be together.
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What I learned from this assignment is to concentrate on a pitch with high concept and character journeys.
PROJECT #1
KENNEL CLUB: High Concept – A financially-strapped dog groomer secretly rents out the dogs she is in charge of to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women.
Elevator Pitch: In my new RomCom, a financially-strapped dog groomer secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to men so they can walk them to meet women. She is the only female member of a chess club and realizes the men have no clue about women, so she becomes their dating coach in the game of love, walking dogs to find ladies to date. Her goal is to get out of debt, but she inadvertently falls for one of the chess players, new to town, who is a fast-talking TV Product pitch man. Standing in her way is an owner who discovers the scheme and tries to put her out of business.
Lead character’s journey. Our desperate dog groomer is about to be tossed out of her rented space. Her only respite is Tuesday afternoon chess in the park, where she is the only female player and enjoys consistently beating all the men, mostly because she has a history of abuse by men and only trusts dogs. These two things come together when she sees the men staring at the local ladies walking their dogs. Knowing they have no clue with women, she offers them the use of the dogs left in her care for $20 per hour and gets out of debt, but finds she has fallen for a new player who beat her in their first chess match. Her journey takes her from chess opponent to dating coach to eventual love interest, all while her male counterpart is on a similar social path. His journey takes him from Alabama to Los Angeles, where he finds the city of vegan angels to be too much for his In-N-Out Burger country-boy mind. He thinks the dog groomer is too pushy, declines the idea of renting her dogs and instead gets a Great Dane from the animal shelter, only to fail miserably with the beast at the dog park. He then decides to join Kennel Club and becomes attracted to her, so she uses her coaching skills to distract him and she wins their next chess match. He then fails again with her dogs, but doesn’t want her to know that, so he continues to rent the dogs, pretending to now be a lady’s man, and leaves the dogs with a few homeless men who enjoy having the dogs to comfort them. When she discovers this, she is impressed and allows him to use her own dog, who, instead of staying with the homeless men, drags him across the street to meet a pretty gal whom he goes to dinner with. Now, he is feeling confident and our dog groomer distressed and mad at her dog, whom she trusts above all men. But, the new love-interest is an activist vegan and once again he is driven back to the kennel, where he must save the day for the owner when her scheme is exposed.
PROJECT #2 SAILBOAT BAY
High Concept – A city-girl law clerk receives a waterfront condo in her boss’s will and visits the idyllic waterfront property to discover she is his daughter and has a country-boy half brother with whom she must save the property from a corrupt senator and his financial advisor who want to tear the property down so they can build and own a Coast Guard Station.
Elevator Pitch – I have a RomCom screenplay which was a finalist in the Santa Barbara International Screenplay Awards contest and about which I have completed a trailer which shows the unusually beautiful setting on the Chesapeake Bay. A city-girl law clerk receives a waterfront condo in her boss’s will and visits the idyllic waterfront property to discover she is his daughter and has a country-boy half brother with whom she must save the property from a corrupt senator and his financial advisor who want to tear the property down so they can build and own a Coast Guard Station. Her mother, a used-car salesperson who is always telling jokes and makes up her own words to sound educated, admits that the judge her daughter clerked for is her father and the reason why he left her the condo, but the daughter thinks it’s because he wanted her to fight the eminent domain action initiated by a senator and his financial backer, who is attracted to her mother. Her mother discovers that the reason for the Coast Guard Station is because the government will widen the entrance to the bay to allow the Coast Guard ships in, and thus will be big enough to allow his mega yacht to get to his house.
Protagonists Journeys. The country-boy half brother is attracted to the daughter and disappointed when he finds out he is related to her, but his mother actually was pregnant with him with another man when she met the judge, opening the door for the two to become a couple in the end. The daughter’s journey takes her out of the city where she learns to love the bay as well as a man she first mocked, then accepted as a half-brother and a partner in beating back corruption, and finally found that she was in love with him.
Adding to the production viability is our control of the properties on the bay as well as tremendous support from the Virginia Yacht Club and it’s many yachts.
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LESSON 4 – THE 10 MOST INTERESTING THINGS
What I learned from this lesson is that I better have 10 interesting things in the story.
Logline: When an unsuccessful, fast-talking Alabama TV product pitch man who is also a great chess player comes to L.A., he finds that he can’t relate to the California ladies. The other members of his chess club have the same problem but the only female member of their club, a dog groomer, comes to their rescue by secretly renting them the dogs she grooms so they can walk them to meet women. Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park.
1. In this RomCom, the male protagonist, THATCHER, 30’s, is interesting because he rents time on local TV stations to promote his own unusual, crazy products, such as his Alien Abduction Kit. His female counterpart, DANA, 20’s, who has a strong distrust of men, is interesting because she is the only female member of the local chess club and is also a dog whisperer in the vein of Cesar Millan.
2. The opening hook is a chess game in which the two protagonists meet and play each other with lightning speed while engaging in an otherwise normal conversation, ending with the TV product pitch man using his fast-talking pitch voice to take her off her game.
3. The first turning point is when the female protagonist loses the chess game, but then uses her own fast-talking pitch voice to convince the chess players of her club to rent the dogs she grooms so they can walk them to meet women, with her as their dating coach.
4. Another turning point comes when Thatcher declines her offer to rent a dog but instead gets a dog from the animal shelter, but fails miserably and then decides to join the “Kennel Club”.
5. Another turning point comes when he fails with the rented dogs but finds that some homeless men enjoy the pets. He rents them anyway so Dana will think he is a lady’s man. When she discovers the truth, she uses her coaching skills to take him off his game and this time she wins the match.
6. Dana has an emotional dilemma when she realizes she is attracted to Thatcher, allows him to use her own dog, ECHO, to leave with the homeless people he has met, but Echo has been trained to find women and finds CHELSEA, 20’s for Thatcher.
7. A major twist occurs when Dana, who coaches the men to learn about the dogs of the women they are interested in because the dogs can teach them about the women’s personalities, finds out her own dog Echo wants her to be with her nemesis, Thatcher.
8. A Major Betrayal occurs when her partner, DESHON, 30’s, an Uber driver who takes the men away from the grooming business so the owners won’t find out their dogs are being rented out by Dana, spills the beans when caught transporting one of the dogs.
9. Faced with going out of business, Thatcher saves the day for Dana with an interesting new invention, the “Scoop N’ Seal, a cross between a Car Vac and a Seal A Meal meant to pick up dog poop with no fuss or muss, which he successfully sells on TV after Dana tells him it’s ridiculous.
10. When Thatcher once again wants to use Echo to find a woman, Echo refuses to go and instead gets behind Thatcher and pushes him to Dana, showing Thatcher that the dog knows best, that he should be with Dana.
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Jack’s Life-Threatening Sequence
What I learned from this assignment is somebody’s got to think they’re going to die, or the audience must think that.
CONCEIVED
The first villain, Professor Matthews, has a plan to use Victoria’s frozen eggs to have a son with royal blood. Victoria sees she is in danger when she confronts the professor about how her eggs were used. Then, when she transfers them to a cryogenics lab the second villain, Jung controls, she is unaware that the professor switched her eggs for Kayla’s, and this puts Victoria’s and Kayla’s relationship in danger when the truth comes out.
The second villain, Jung, wants to use Victoria’s eggs to clone her, then mate her clone with his clone in his fifty-year plan. In order to get her to cooperate, he hacks her accounts and uses her eggs as ransom.
Other potential dangers include Victoria losing her accounts if others find out she’s been hacked. In addition, Kayla’s life is threatened when she discovers the truth and threatens to expose Jung.
SEQUENCING:
1. Victoria hears a boy is born who is related to her.
2. She confronts Professor Matthews who tries to convince her the boy’s genes have been enhanced with his gene-editing process and she should be proud.
3. She demands her eggs and Professor Matthews switches hers with Kayla’s.
4. Jung then steals them from a cryogenics lab which he has been dealing with to obtain DNA from the lab’s other clients.
5. Jung, now with the eggs he believes are Victoria’s, but are really Kayla’s, says he doesn’t need Victoria any more and she should be eliminated.
6. Kayla’s life is also in danger when she discovers what happened and seeks revenge.
CASTING CALL
1. The first Villain, Bo, has a plan to use fake casting calls to scam girls into zoom calls with his paying clients who are looking to take advantage of beautiful women by pretending they will have a role for them in a TV show or feature. When Sandi bumps into his plan, falls for the scheme and is drugged, she is almost raped.
2. Victoria seeks revenge and faces danger.
3. Villain 2, Angela, who is an Iranian spy masquerading as a porn star, has a plan to use Sandi to accomplish what she alone can’t: to copy the information from Fareem, a Saudi oil baron who wants to be head of OPEC. She places Sandi in danger when she lies and tells Sandi she needs the information for her own porn business to get customers.
4. Red herring Fareem tricks Sandi into believing he wants to take her on his jet to San Fran for lunch, then come back, when in reality he is stealing her to become one of his sex slaves in Riyadh. Sandi is in danger when she takes the flight and Victoria is in danger when she comes to the rescue.
SEQUENCING
A. A photographer who gives Sandi headshots places her in danger by getting her a singing gig at Bo’s lounge, because Bo has a sex agenda for Sandi.
A. Bo drugs Sandi, then discovers she’s a virgin and decides to sell her to Fareem with coaxing from Angela, one of the porn stars he manages.
B. Angela befriends Sandi with gifts and tells her Fareem can make her a star, putting Sandi in danger without Sandi knowing it.
C. Angela further puts Sandi in danger when Angela convinces her to copy information from Kareem’s computer.
D. Sandi’s sister Lyla is put in danger when she discovers Fareem’s plan to fly Sandi away and drives to the airport to stop them.
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Jack’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned from this assignment is that to make a great thriller one has to have a red herring and keep the audience from the truth until the end.
CONCEIVED
Big Secret: Jung is collecting the DNA of the most powerful, wealthiest women along with that of the women with the highest IQ and best athletic ability to mate with his clone in a fifty year plan.
How can he cover this up? Jung uses a Russian to buy the DNA from cryogenics labs and to bribe funeral directors and to steal frozen eggs. He also uses a red herring, Professor Matthews, who has frozen Victoria and Kayla’s eggs.
Victoria is immediately drawn into the mystery because she hears she has a child she didn’t know about and must find him.
Victoria’s first stop is the cryogenics lab where she stored her eggs with her lover Kayla, but they are still there. Professor Matthews is fired and she moves her eggs, but not before the Professor switches hers with Kayla’s for spite.
CASTING CALL
Big Secret: Porn star Angela is actually a Saudi intelligence agent seeking information about the Iranian nuclear program.
How can she cover this up? She maintains a life as a porn star. She uses farm girl Sandi as a way to get the information she seeks from Fareem, the Iranian oil man who knows who the most powerful men in Iran are and is secretly blackmailing them so he can become head of OPEC.
Protagonist Lyla is immediately involved when Sandi is sexually abused by red herring BO, and then must stop Sandi from being flown to Iran as a sex slave when Bo introduces Sandi to Fareem, who treats her very well in a scheme to trick her into thinking she will be flying to San Fran.
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Jack’s Villains have Plans.
What I learned from this assignment is to reverse engineer the antagonist’s plan and to have the protagonist “bump into” the plan.
1. CASTING CALL
1. What is the end goal of the antagonist, Angela? Angela is secretly a Mossad agent, masquerading as a L.A. porn star. Her plan is to gain information on Iranian oil baron Fareem’s life, including his friends, all powerful Iranian politicians and military leaders. But he is the “Donald Trump” of Iran, in that he doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, so she has to find someone who will help her without knowing it.
2. How can Angela accomplish this in a devious way? Angela’s original plan was to seduce Fareem, but he is not interested in her because she is “used goods”. Angela seeks out a woman she can groom, mentor and use to get what she wants. Sandi, the 18 year old virgin Iowa farm girl, bumps into her plan and becomes Angela’s pawn.
3. How can she cover her plan up? Angela covers her plan up by doing everything she can to help Sandi succeed in her efforts to become a star in Hollywood, often acting against her own employers’ interests and thus threatening her own life.
4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
A. Angela is introduced as an illegal-immigrant assistant to two men who run a bogus casting call scam to find women for their male customers.
B. Angela then masterminds an introduction for Sandi to Fareem, whom she says can help Sandi’s career.
C. Fareem finds Sandi perfect, but for his own villain’s plan: to trick Sandi onto his jet for a ride to San Fran for lunch, but in reality, to Riyadh to become one of his sex slaves which he uses to blackmail his associates into keeping him in power, which includes becoming the head of OPEC.
RED HERRING – Fareem is the red herring – we think he is the villain but Angela is the real one
2. CONCEIVED
What is the end goal of the First Antagonist, Professor Matthews? The professor owns a gene-editing lab and adds a cryogenics lab for the secret purpose of convincing protagonist Victoria, who has royal blood, to freeze her eggs for future fertilization. Protagonist Kayla “bumps into” this plan by becoming Victoria’s lover and following her lead and having her eggs frozen at the same time. The professor wants a child with Victoria to raise a son with royal blood whom he will use to gain wealth and power.
How can the professor accomplish this in a devious way? He uses Kayla to convince Victoria to freeze their eggs together.
Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
A. The audience first wonders why Professor Matthews is so interested in Victoria’s eggs, then in why he offers Kayla gifts to become friends with her.
B. Victoria has a dispute with the professor and has her eggs moved to another cryogenics lab, but not before he steals some of them to use for the birth of his son. He then switches Kayla’s eggs with Victoria’s to spite her.
What is the end goal of the Second Antagonist, Jung Cho? His end goal is to mate his clone with the wealthiest, smartest, most athletic and most powerful women on earth in order to have children that will take over the world in a fifty-year plan. He targets Victoria because she runs a hedge fund that includes royal wealth as well as investors from the world’s most powerful families. Professor Mathews and Kayla “bump into” Jung Cho’s plan because Jung Cho investigates the world’s leading cryogenics labs, thinking he can find his targets as people who are freezing their skin for their own future cloning.
How does he accomplish this in a devious way? Jung Cho hacks Victoria’s funds, then demands the unusual ransom of skin from people she knows, her investors, including royals, so she can get her accounts back.
Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible:
A. The story opens with funeral directors taking skin from deceased clients and receiving money from Chinese men in exchange for the skin. English, Japanese, Indian
B. Jung Cho enjoys the birth of his son.
C. On the wall, photos of famous women athletes with some checked off
D. Computer tracks obituaries of Bildergerg Group, Committee of 300, Club of Rome, Royal Families of England, Netherlands, Sweden, Japan, others
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Jack’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
What I learned from watching SOTL again and reviewing each scene for thriller conventions as well as character MIS is that the chart makes you understand how much subtlety goes into the the script. I intend to use the chart for every screenplay I’ve completed as a rewrite tool.
One thing that hit me in watching the movie again is how well Clarise handles men, of all ages, professions, and obsessions. Each man she encounters presents her with a particular challenge which she always counters cleverly.
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Jack’s World and Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is that each of my characters needs mystery, intrigue and suspense built into their individual stories and relationships.
1. CONCEIVED
CONCEPT – Two professional women who are lovers freeze their eggs for future fertilization but the eggs are stolen and children are born without their knowledge.
WORLD – The world of Conceived is the world of high finance, gene editing and cloning, which combined with religion and politics provides a look into the near future of those who want to run the world.
BIG MYSTERY – What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? What will happen to Victoria’s and Kayla’s children? Who are the fathers?
BIG INTRIGUE – What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded part that will live under the surface for most of the movie – Professor Matthews switches Kayla’s and Victoria’s eggs, so the children born, when found, are not who the “parents” think
BIG SUSPENSE – What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script – Both Professor Matthews and Kung Jo will try to kill Kayla and Victoria when they get close to finding out the truth
MAIN CHARACTERS
1. KAYLA
A. What is the mystery of this
character? – What will happen in her relationship with Victoria when the
truth of their children is discovered?B. What is the suspense of this
character? – She sues the Sugarcane King whose voodoo wife places a curse
on her. Then Professor Matthews and Kung Jo threaten her life when she
joins forces with Victoria to find their children.C. What is the intrigue of this
character? She thinks she can overcome incredible obstacles1. VICTORIA
A. What is the mystery of this character? – Can she find her children and keep her hedge fund from being hacked, all at the same time?
B. What is the suspense of this character? – Constantly at risk of losing the funds she manages – Then her life when she joins forces with Kayla to find their children.
C. What is the intrigue of this character? Brilliant mind, but uses it in unusual ways to get what she needs
3. PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
A. What is the mystery of this Antagonist? What does his being Scotland’s Head Druid have to do with his plans for Victoria’s eggs.
B. What is the suspense of this Antagonist? Being the owner of the cryogenics lab where the eggs are stored, he gets paid for Victoria’s eggs but gives Kung Jo Kayla’s instead and steals Victoria’s for himself.
C. What is the intrigue of this Antagonist? What are his plans? He plans to have a son with royal blood using Victoria’s eggs.
4. KUNG JO
A. What is the mystery of this Antagonist? _ He has cloned himself and wants his clone to mate with the richest, most athletic, most powerful women on earth.
B. What is the suspense of this Antagonist? He fends off Victoria and Kayla learning the truth, even though he doesn’t even know the children are not who he thinks because the eggs were switched.
C. What is the intrigue of this Antagonist? He wants to take over the Chinese Communist Party with a fifty year plan for his clones.
2. CASTING CALL
CONCEPT: Two girls leave the farm for L.A. The one with talent finds the reality of the fast lane and her sister must save her from the life she has fallen into, not realizing she herself is being cast into a life-changing role.
WORLD: The world of casting stars in L.A. and how it relates to a Saudi oilman who seems to run everything through his ability to own women who help him blackmail the world’s elite.
BIG MYSTERY – Will Lyla save her sister? Will her sister want to be saved? What does Fareem do to the girls to get them to elevate his status with the world’s elites?
BIG INTRIGUE – Sandi becomes involved with her abductors. Will Lyla let Jackson into her life?
BIG SUSPENSE – Lyla’s life is endangered as she pieces together the truth.
CHARACTERS
1. LYLA:
A. What is the mystery of this character? – Will she return to the farm or become the one that succeeds in L.A. Will she allow herself to love Jackson?
B. What is the suspense of this character? – She thinks she can accomplish things, but her plans always get her into danger.
C. What is the intrigue of this character? She’s unusual in that she rides bulls, fixes tractors and can fight, but also has an untapped feminine side.
2. SANDI.
A. What is the mystery of this character? – When raped, why does she then submit to her rapist and believe his promises.
B. What is the suspense of this character? – She has great talent as a singer, but is raped, then changes and joins forces with the antagonist and becomes her sister’s enemy.
C. What is the intrigue of this character? How can such a simple Iowa farm girl become a Ghislaine Maxwell enabler to one of the world’s savviest blackmailers.
3. FAREEM
A. What is the mystery of this character? – Who is he and why does he have so much power?
What is the suspense of this character? – He runs afoul of the world’s most powerful men when they won’t do what he wants them to do after providing women for them.
C. What is the intrigue of this character? He is one of the most powerful men in the world, running governments and secret societies with blackmail through sex.
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Jack’s BIG M.I.S.
What I learned from this assignment is that by thinking about the big mystery, intrigue and suspense of the show, the outline becomes easier.
1. CONCEIVED
Logline: Two professional women from diverse backgrounds, who together had their eggs frozen because they were too busy to have children, learn that the eggs were stolen and children have been born and are being raised in China.
Unwitting but Resourceful Heroes:
Kayla, an American environmental lawyer, and Katherine, an English fund
manager who manages some of the royal wealth <div>Dangerous Villain: Lung Ho, a
Chinese Hacker who has cloned himself and wants his clones to mate the
clones of wealthy and powerful women in a nefarious 50 year plan.<div>
High stakes: The lives of the
children of the protagonists are at stake, as well as the lives of the
protagonists.Life and death situations: In
discovering Lung Ho’s plan, the protagonists run afoul of the Chinese
Communist Party and must defeat those attempting to kill them, as well as
rescue their children whom they have never met.This story is thrilling
because? The villain’s outrageous plan to rule China and the world through
cloning is well underway when the protagonists find out about it. As the
mystery of how the children were born, who their fathers are and where they
live unfolds, intrigue continues when the protagonists hatch their own
plan to find their children and expose the villain, resulting in many
suspenseful escapes and discoveries.Big Mystery: How and why were the frozen eggs stolen and who is responsible.
Big Intrigue: Who are the fathers of the children born, where are the children and what can we do about this?
Big Suspense: When the antagonists plan is revealed, the protagonists are targeted for death, as their bodies are no longer required.
2. CASTING CALL
Logline: A young woman leaves her home in Iowa for fame and stardom in Los Angeles, but quickly finds herself the target of a nefarious sex trafficking organization.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:
Lyla, 22, the son her father, an Iowa farmer, never had, comes to L.A. as
a chaperone for her sister Sandi, a rebellious 18 year old with talent and
beauty. </div>Dangerous Villain: Fareem, a Saudi
oilman who has established himself in L.A. with a Mexican cartel who
supplies him with minors for his Mideastern cabal of sex slaves.High stakes: Lyla must find and
save her sisterLife and death situations: Lyla’s
life is threatened repeatedly by the Mexicans and their L.A. connections
who use bogus casting call to find women.This story is thrilling
because? It has the mystery of the underground world of sex trafficking,
the intrigue of the L.A. casting scene and the suspense of a determined
sister desperately in search of her sister.Big Mystery: Where is Sandi?
Big intrigue: Sandi gets so far into the antagonist’s plan that she joins him and becomes a Ghislaine Maxwell type enabler and an enemy of her big sister
Big Suspense: Lyla’s life is threatened from multiple angles as she attempts to take down an international sex trafficking ring.
</div>
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1. Name Jack Sherry
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 9 Features, 3 Pilots, 5 Shorts
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Turn some of my completed scripts into thrillers
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? Retired Lawyer, been to Russia 11 times, have played the harmonica for 40 years. I produced, then sold 4 shows that aired on Discovery and spent 7 years working on my own time as Associate Producer of The Life and Times of Bobby Jones, which aired on CBS before the Masters Golf Tournament
We look forward to working with you all!
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Intrusion – Thriller Conventions
<div>Jack’s Lesson 1</div>
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Mira
<div>
Dangerous Villain: Henry
High stakes: Life and Death
Life and death situations: Initial Intrusion – 4 are
killed. In the end, Henry stalks the missing girlThis movie is thrilling because? Suspense, mystery and
intrigue.Big Mystery: What happened to missing girl
</div><div>
Big Intrigue: How is Henry involved
Big Suspense: Mira uncovers fact after fact and is
almost caught each time5. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is… A thriller has Mystery, Intrigue and Suspense
</div>
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I’ve finished my Pilot and am ready to submit it for Feedback. What is the Procedure?
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Jack’s Act 4 and 5
ACT 4
EXT. GEORGE’S LAW OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
On the street, Charles stands waiting at the limo.
Victoria marches to it, slides into the car.
INT. LIMO – DAY
Kayla watches Victoria sigh as she plops down onto a seat.
KAYLA
That was quick. Your meeting went well, too, huh?
VICTORIA
Our parents tried to match us, and I must admit I was quite taken with the idea. I followed George to Yale. He got his JD and I got my MBA, but he cheated on me mercilessly, which was ultimately fine with me because now we have business together.
(pause)
But he’s hatching a plan to procreate with me. Something about encouraging reproduction of persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits. It’s absolutely absurd; he wants my eggs.
KAYLA
Give him the turtle egg.
Victoria comes out of her funk.
VICTORIA
You are so refreshing.
(pause)
Come to New York with me! We can be there in three hours. I’ll have you back Sunday night.
KAYLA
I spend my whole very happy life in Zero Beach and within a day of meeting you, I’m supposed to become a jet setter.
(pause)
I have to meet with my clients today, the Ayes Indian Tribe, about the Everglades.
VICTORIA
We’re only an hour away. Call them now. Come on, live a little.
Kayla pulls out her phone and taps it, puts it to her ear.
EXT. AIRBOAT RIDE FACILITY – DAY
At the edge of the Everglades, Victoria’s limo pulls into the parking lot of a business whose sign reads Airboat Rides.
On the dock, Billy Osceola and Windy Moon pose for a selfie in front of the giant python, now hanging from a rack.
Billy sees Kayla emerge from the limo and waves her over.
BILLY
Counselor, come check it out.
Victoria slides out of the limo and follows Kayla.
Charles steps out of the limo to watch, surveys the area.
Kayla hugs Billy and Windy Moon.
KAYLA
Billy Osceola and his daughter Windy Moon. My friend, Victoria.
Billy offers a friendly hand. Wendy Moon smiles hello.
Victoria shakes Billy’s hand but is transfixed by the python.
VICTORIA
What in the world is this?
BILLIE
Burmese python.
KAYLA
Decades ago Hurricane Andrew destroyed southern Miami, including a reptile breeding facility. We had zero pythons then. Now, they estimate a hundred thousand.
Billy slices the snake’s belly open. Over one hundred eggs slide out.
VICTORIA
Ooohh.
BILLY
This is why they’re taking over.
Victoria moves closer to examine the eggs on the wooden dock.
VICTORIA
Can you scoop some out for me to take to New York?
KAYLA
Victoria knows of a genetics laboratory that does things with eggs.
BILLY
Ah, yeah, sure. Hold on.
KAYLA
(to Victoria)
Take as many of these as you want.
VICTORIA
(to Kayla, sarcastic)
What about messing with nature?
KAYLA
These bad girls need to be messed with.
Billy hops aboard the airboat and returns with a plastic container. He scoops eggs out of the snake with the container and then puts the lid on it.
Victoria summons Charles, who takes the container.
CHARLES
I’ll get some ice.
VICTORIA
(to Kayla)
I’ll let you talk business.
(to Billy and Windy Moon)
A pleasure to meet you.
Victoria steps away toward the limo.
KAYLA
(yelling after her)
Save some of those python eggs for Sir George!
Kayla turns her attention back to Billy.
BILLY
In the tribe we have a raccoon clan, a fox clan and a squirrel clan, but now there are no raccoons, no foxes, and no squirrels; all eaten. I’m thinking of starting my own clan: the python clan.
INT. LEARJET – DAY
Over the Atlantic, in the cockpit, Victoria takes off her headset, unfastens her seat belt and moves to the cabin leaving Charles to monitor the trip.
In the cabin, Kayla looks out the window over the ocean as the sun disappears, talking on her cell phone.
Victoria sits across from her.
KAYLA
(on the phone)
I’ll be back in Miami Sunday night.
INT. VICTORIA’S OFFICE – DAY
Jeremy sits at his desk playing a war video game on mute, dodging bullets with his body as he shoots and talks.
JEREMY
That’s great, have a good time, but remember, like your father said, there’s no money in saving the turtles.
He blasts the enemy and celebrates.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
And don’t worry. I got things covered here.
INT. LEARJET – DAY
Kayla clicks off.
KAYLA
Okay, New York, here we come.
INT. VICTORIA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Victoria unlocks the door of her apartment and comes in, flips on the light. Kayla follows, looks around, impressed.
She sees a photo of Victoria and her mother and father over a fireplace and stops to study it.
KAYLA
Ah, the gene pool you say is responsible for your personality.
VICTORIA
Much easier to deal with on the mantle than in person.
KAYLA
Same deal with my father. He’s right out there somewhere.
She points outside.
VICTORIA
You don’t know where he lives?
KAYLA
Nope. I see him in February when it freezes over up here. I don’t know anything about his side of the family. Never even met his parents.
VICTORIA
How unusual.
KAYLA
His father owned the citrus groves where the polo match was held before it was developed. Dad got my mom pregnant in high school. She was a great athlete and probably would have gone to college on scholarship but she had me.
(pause)
We’re on opposite sides of the political spectrum. He lets me have the guest house on the beach, but we don’t really talk much. He’s real busy.
Kayla sees two paintings on the wall and goes to the first.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
(to the painting)
Who are you?
VICTORIA
King George the Fifth, reigned during the first world war. His first cousin, and also one of my grandfather’s cousins, was Kaiser Wilheim, over here.
The other painting presides from behind a sofa. Kayla moves to look at it.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Kaiser Wilheim was the ruler of Germany in World War I. Son of Princess Victoria, the oldest daughter of Queen Victoria. Since England and Germany were at war during their reigns, King George changed the name of our royal house from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor, after the castle, and adopted Windsor as surname for the family.
KAYLA
I didn’t realize you had royal blood. Are you now telling me you have German blood?
VICTORIA
All the royals do.
KAYLA
You’re a mutt, just like me!
VICTORIA
Breeding, Love, breeding.
Victoria leads her to a sliding glass door which she opens and they exit to a view of the lights of the city.
As Kayla takes in the view, Victoria walks to a bar and opens a small fridge, takes out a bottle of white wine and pours two glasses.
Kayla comes to the bar and takes her glass, raises it.
KAYLA
To New York City. Hanging with you is certainly not dull.
VICTORIA
The Big Apple.
CLINK.
Kayla moves close and they kiss.
KAYLA
Gonna give you an algorithm you’ll never forget.
ACT 5
INT. LIMO – DAY
In an elegant limo, Victoria climbs in, followed by Kayla. Charles closes the door.
EXT. PROFESSOR MATTHEWS’ LABORATORY – DAY
SUPRA: MENDHAM, NEW JERSEY
A wall with a high hedge surrounds a stone building. At the entrance a sign reads Matthews Genetics.
The limo cruises through the entrance.
INT. PROFESSOR MATTHEWS’ LABORATORY – DAY
In a laboratory, PROFESSOR SIDNEY MATTHEWS, 50’s, British, egocentric, injects a needle into a chicken egg.
His perky daughter, BRYONY MATTHEWS, 20’s, enters.
BRYONY
She’s here.
The professor puts the syringe down, writes something in a notebook, closes it and follows Bryony out.
INT. FOYER – DAY
In the foyer, Victoria and Kayla stand up when Professor Matthews and Bryony enter. In a chair beside them lies a box.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Victoria!
He kisses both cheeks.
VICTORIA
Thanks for coming in on the weekend. This is Kayla Hitch, from Florida.
Kayla extends her hand. The professor shakes it.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Ms. Hitch. A pleasure to meet you.
Victoria picks up the box from the chair, hands it to him.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS (CONT’D)
What’s this?
VICTORIA
Two items. The first is a turtle egg in sand. I dug it up on a beach in Florida. Red tide is threatening the species, according to Kayla, and only one in a thousand reach adulthood. The other container has Burmese python eggs. They are taking over the Everglades. I told everyone you can solve their problems.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Very interesting. I’ll have a look.
The professor hands the package to Bryony.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS (CONT’D)
Right. Well, come with me.
I have exciting news.
They leave Bryony behind and walk out of the foyer into a hallway.
INT. LABORATORY HALLWAY – DAY
In the hall, the professor stops, looks through the glass at equipment.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
We’ve expanded the laboratory
with all-new, state-of-the-art equipment.
They continue down the hallway until they come to a door with Professor Sidney Matthews, President written on it.
INT. PROFESSOR MATTHEWS’ OFFICE – DAY
In a contemporary office with a sitting area in front of a wall holding his degrees, he motions for the two ladies to take a seat.
Kayla scans the room, interested in the decor, picks up a silver amulet from a table holding a yew lamp, examines it, puts it back down and walks to a painting over a table.
The painting displays four men carrying a severed head.
Victoria, as a frequent visitor, takes it all in stride and sits down on a love seat.
KAYLA
What in the world is this?
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
That is the basis for the reason you Americans place pumpkins on your porches during Halloween.
KAYLA
Really?
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Bran The Blessed. In our Celtic Realm, the soul lives in the head, not in the heart. Bran was a king that was stricken in battle with a poison spear, and his head, and thus soul, were transported back to England. Later gourds appeared on peoples’ front lawns, and then pumpkins, all to remember him.
Kayla nods, wondering, sits down.
KAYLA
Victoria tells me you’re a Druid.
The professor nods yes.
Kayla sits next to Victoria on the love seat. Their shoulders and hips touch.
He takes a chair.
VICTORIA
Dr. Matthews worked for the company that cloned Dolly back in 1996.
Kayla acknowledges the statement with an appreciative nod.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
I have a new prospectus for you. Would you like to take a look, or go over it at another time, perhaps in private?
VICTORIA
Kayla is one of my lawyers. You can talk freely.
Kayla straightens up, paying attention as Professor Matthews goes to his desk and picks up a portfolio, returns and hands it to Victoria, sits back down.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Why don’t you give me the basics.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Very well. I’m pleased to say we are up over 30% this year. We have breakthroughs in both embryo enhancement and gene editing. I think after studying the prospectus, you will finally allow me to freeze a number of your eggs.
VICTORIA
(to Kayla)
Can you believe these men? I have suitors for my eggs in two states.
KAYLA
How many women can say that?
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Who else is interested?
VICTORIA
George Townsend.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
I thought you broke it off with Sir George.
VICTORIA
Yes, but my fund manages his family’s trust, and we see each other on the polo field.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
I see. And he wants your eggs? I don’t understand.
VICTORIA
His friend Santiago Gonzalez, from Argentina, captain of my polo team, is involved with cloning the polo ponies. He has a laboratory similar to yours.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
You should stay away from him; he’s involved with more than cloning ponies. The word is he’s created a few children with, how should I say this, some abnormalities.
Kayla and Victoria look at each other.
KAYLA
Huh.
Kayle turns back to the professor.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
What do you do here?
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
We edit human DNA to heal diseases as well as enhance offspring.
KAYLA
Designer babies?
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Babies with superior qualities: health, intelligence, performance.
Kayla looks at Victoria.
KAYLA
I don’t think any of our children will need enhancing.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
I was on to freeze Victoria’s eggs to have in case anything were to happen to prevent her from having children, or, to offer her the option of having children at a time of her choosing with the use of a surrogate.
(pause)
Let me show you the cryogenics lab.
He stands, motions to the door.
Victoria hands the portfolio to Kayla.
The three exit into the hallway.
INT. LABORATORY HALLWAY – DAY
In the hallway, the professor leads Victoria and Kayla to a door which reads, DR. ELLEN WADE. The professor knocks, then opens the door.
INT. DR. WADE’S OFFICE
In an office smaller than the professor’s DR. ELLEN WADE, 40’s, sits at her desk in front of her computer. She looks up as the door opens.
Professor Matthews, Victoria, then Kayla enter.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Dr. Wade, you know Ms. Cromwell, of course. This is Kayla Hitch from Florida.
Dr. Wade rises, comes from behind her desk and shakes hands with Victoria, then Kayla.
DR. WADE
So nice to see you again, Ms. Cromwell.
(to Kayla)
Ms. Hitch.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
In addition to our egg-retrieval procedures, Dr. Wade is also an embryologist and oocyte cryopreservation specialist.
DR. WADE
That means preserving and freezing the eggs. Follow me.
INT. OPERATING ROOM – DAY
Dr. Wade leads the group through a side door into an operating room with soothing colors. Soft MUSIC plays.
DR. WADE
The donor is placed under a mild sedation and doesn’t feel a thing. The process is minimally invasive, only takes fifteen minutes and you’re back to normal the next day.
Dr. Wade leads them to another door.
INT. FREEZER STORAGE ROOM – DAY
Dr. Wade opens the door and they walk into a room with a panel of freezer doors. She opens one of the freezers.
DR. WADE
The eggs are stored here.
Kayla and Victoria peek in, then look at each other.
KAYLA
Sounds pretty easy. What’s it cost?
DR. MATTHEWS
Victoria is important to our business. No cost to either of you, for the procedure, or the storage.
DR. WADE
We can go over the paperwork, and see if you’re ovulating.
KAYLA
I should be. It’s that time.
She looks at Victoria.
VICTORIA
I guess we’re in sync on that, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to do anything like this.
KAYLA
(to Victoria)
Come on. You don’t want to be like the turtle that comes up on the beach and gets spooked, do you? Live a little.
DR. WADE
We could do everything this morning.
Victoria turns her palms up and shrugs acceptance.
MONTAGE – KAYLA AND VICTORIA HAVE THEIR EGGS RETRIEVED
The ladies fill out forms at Dr. Wade’s desk.
They change into gowns, a little giddy.
Victoria leans back on an examination table.
Kayla’s turn.
The eggs are placed in sealed containers.
The containers are stored in the freezer with their names on the top.
EXT. MATTHEWS GENETICS – DAY
On the way to the waiting limo, Victoria gets a phone call.
She sees who’s calling and waves Kayla on to the car.
Charles gets out and opens the door for Kayla.
On the phone, the blood drains from Victoria’s face.
VICTORIA
(quietly)
You said our firewall couldn’t be penetrated.
She listens.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Make sure nobody can find out until Monday. I’ll be there in a couple of hours.
She disconnects and walks slowly to the limo, thinking.
INT. LIMO – DAY
Victoria hides her worry.
VICTORIA
(to Charles)
To the office, Charles.
(to Kayla, nonchalantly)
Something’s come up. I’ll have Charles take you to the apartment.
Victoria pours a glass of water for Kayla, then herself as Charles starts the car.
Kayla offers a toast.
KAYLA
To Eggs.
VICTORIA
Okay.
KAYLA
Over easy.
Victoria wrinkles her eyebrows, wondering what that meant.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Glad that’s over and it was easy.
Victoria gets it, but her mind is not in the limo.
CLINK.
They lean back and Charles drives off, watching them in the mirror.
INT. CROMWELL AND COMPANY LOBBY – DAY
Holding coffee and a briefcase, Victoria enters an exquisite lobby through doors that read Cromwell and Company. On the reception desk is a large pumpkin.
A secretary, ANGELA, 30’s, stares at her as if something is wrong.
INT. CROMWELL AND COMPANY OFFICE – DAY
Victoria walks into a brightly-lit office with twenty cubicles, half of which hold employees. Everyone who sees Victoria stops what they are doing and watches her.
Something is definitely up.
Next to the corner office, PETER MOORE, 50’s, waits with a grim look.
INT. VICTORIA’S OFFICE – DAY
Power office overlooking the city. Victoria walks past Peter.
VICTORIA
Peter.
He follows and closes the door behind him.
With downtown Manhattan in the background, Victoria steps behind her desk and puts her coffee and briefcase down.
Still standing, she tries to log in to her desk top computer.
Looking at her computer screen, a series of fireworks appear, then the words: CROMWELL AND COMPANY, YOU HAVE BEEN HACKED.
PETER
Everything’s down.
On the screen, a clown’s face appears. She sits.
CLOWN
(in a garbled, distorted voice)
Hello, Ms. Cromwell. Top of the day to you.
VICTORIA
Who are you and what do you want?
CLOWN
I am your new boss and what I want, if you’re ever going to get your files back, is for you to pull out your top desk drawer and reach in and get the note attached to the top there. Go ahead, do it now.
Victoria stares at the screen, then Peter. She pulls the drawer out and feels the underneath of the ceiling of her drawer.
She withdraws her hand holding an envelope with tape on it.
CLOWN (CONT’D)
Show me the envelope.
Victoria complies.
CLOWN (CONT’D)
Get everyone else out of the room.
Victoria nods to Peter. He leaves.
CLOWN (CONT’D)
Open it.
She does, and reads the one-page note.
If you want your files restored, all you have to do is get a small sample of Queen Elizabeth’s skin. We already have her hair, and thus her DNA, so we will know if it is hers.
Victoria looks up at the clown.
CLOWN (CONT’D)
You have one week. I’ll release enough funding for you to continue normal operations. When you have the skin, place it in a bag of dry ice and keep it with you in your office and place a vase of flowers in your window. Do not tell anyone in your office. We will know if you do. This can be easy, with no real cost to you. Figure it out.
The screen goes blank.
Victoria stands up, rushes to the door, opens it.
Peter, standing there, comes back in.
VICTORIA
I thought that firewall we spent a fortune on was foolproof.
PETER
They didn’t need to break through the firewall. Must have gotten
your passwords somehow. What do they want?
VICTORIA
Get the security team and find out where this came from.
Peter leaves. Victoria paces.
She pulls out her cell phone, places a call.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Es Victoria Cromwell para Santiago, por favor.
She paces again, waiting.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Santiago, how are you? Good, good, … yes, yes. Quick question. Why would someone want to freeze a small amount of someone’s skin in dry ice?
SANTIAGO (V.O.)
DNA, I suppose, why?
VICTORIA
No, they already have DNA.
SANTIAGO (V.O.)
Well, skin cells are what we originally used to clone the polo ponies. You’re talking human skin, though, right?
VICTORIA
Yes.
SANTIAGO (V.O.)
Are the people who want the skin Chinese?
VICTORIA
Don’t know. What does it mean that the skin is from a female?
SANTIAGO
Well, either she has special skills that they need in the future, or someone could raise her, then twenty years or less from now, they could have a child with her, for her genes. Who’s the woman?
VICTORIA
Nobody you know. Never mind. Thanks.
-
Jack’s Act 3
ACT 3
EXT. EVERGLADES – DAY
Under an early-morning sun, Billy Osceola and his daughter WINDY MOON, 18, fish from an airboat.
They see an airliner fly by, descending.
WINDY MOON
I’d like to ride in an airplane some day.
BILLY
Bad idea. You should keep your mind grounded, not up in the clouds.
WINDY MOON
But Papa, think about what you could see.
BILLY
Everything you need to see is here, right in front of you. This is the real world, the world we have been living for a thousand years, without any airplanes.
Windy Moon reels her line in, disappointed.
WINDY MOON
Did they catch fish for a thousand years? We hardly ever catch any.
BILLY
You can’t blame yourself, or the fish. It’s the pollution.
He reels his line in.
BILLY (CONT’D)
Let’s run by the hammock.
They stow their fishing rods and BLAST OFF.
MONTAGE – EVERGLADES TOUR
Windy Moon’s hair streams back as she enjoys the airboat sliding over the waterways and marsh.
The boat slows, then stops near a group of large alligators.
BILLY (CONT’D)
Hey boys, seen any pythons?
Billy, reverent of the big reptiles, ACCELERATES away.
They approach a hammock with a stand of palm tress. Billy surveys the scene.
Windy Moon points to a brushy area. Billy slows the boat.
Along the ground, a fifteen-feet-long python slithers through the brush.
Billy glides the airboat onto the shore, jumps from the bow and chases the snake as it slides away.
END MONTAGE
EXT. HAMMOCK – DAY
Billy catches the snake by the tail. It turns, opens its wide mouth showing its fangs and HISSES.
Billy expertly jumps to its neck, grabs it with one hand and with the other pulls a knife and slices off its head.
Windy Moon runs in.
WINDY MOON
Nice catch, Papa! Big one.
Billy relaxes, stretches the snake out to examine its size.
He sees a bulge, feels it.
BILLY
Pregnant.
Windy Moon points to an area on the snake where it is discolored to a dark gray.
WINDY MOON
What happened to it here?
BILLY
Even the gators can’t stop ‘em.
INT. AIRBOAT – DAY
Billy struggles to pull the snake onto the boat, succeeds.
WINDY MOON
Good job, Papa.
BILLY
At least the bounty will pay for our gas today.
EXT. KAYLA’S APARTMENT – DAY
On the porch, looking out over the ocean, Kayla and Victoria drink coffee. Kayla taps her heel, agitated.
VICTORIA
Maybe the lab can give the turtles larger webs for swimming and digging. They can change the DNA for traits in humans, including personality.
KAYLA
The environment determines your personality.
VICTORIA
Well, you’re an environmentalist. In my experience, genetics are the biggest factor. The polo match proves my point. The cloned ponies won the trophy.
KAYLA
Maybe you were just better players.
VICTORIA
No, the ponies are the biggest factor in polo.
KAYLA
But the environment means more; like what town you live in, what school you go to, and therefore the friends and associates you have.
VICTORIA
(soothing)
You’re still upset about the eggs.
I promise I won’t ever disturb any again.
Victoria moves close.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
You think the way to solve your problems is with emotional debate about law. I look at the turtles and I consider a scientific solution. Regarding the Everglades there may be a political solution. Come to Miami with me. I can help you.
KAYLA
How?
VICTORIA
The law firm of the captain of the blue team, my friend Sir George Townsend, might be able to assist. He owes me a great many favors, and he contributes large sums to certain political campaigns.
KAYLA
Love to talk to him, but I’m pretty busy today.
VICTORIA
You can’t be too engaged. I’ve been told they call this town Zero Beach.
KAYLA
Please keep telling everyone that; we like it the way it is.
(pause)
Actually, I could see a client outside of Miami. I owe him a visit. Yeah, the Everglades are about to be ruined, just like the beaches. Lord knows we can’t keep King Sugar from fertilizing, oh, no, gotta have that white sugar. It’s so good for us!
VICTORIA
So you’ll come! Splendid.
KAYLA
I’d like to see you fly your plane. I’ll rearrange my schedule.
EXT. KAYLA’S HOUSE – DAY
In the driveway, Kayla and Victoria get into Kayla’s car, with Victoria wearing the clothes of the previous night.
A Mini Cooper drives in. Kayla stops, waits for Jeremy to exit his car.
KAYLA
Morning, Jeremy. I’m going to Miami. Cancel everything for today. I’ll call you.
Jeremy strains to see who Kayla is with as they pull out.
INT. KAYLA’S CAR – DAY
Kayla pulls out onto the highway.
KAYLA
That’s Jeremy, my secretary, the indispensable other half of my
big law firm.
INT. LEARJET – DAY
The plane TAKES OFF with Victoria and Charles up front and Kayla looking out the window in back.
They fly over a large lake.
Kayla unfastens her seat belt and shuffles up to the cockpit.
KAYLA
Lake Okeechobee. Much of the algae bloom destroying the lagoon comes into this lake first, then gets discharged into the rivers that feed the lagoon, or south into the Everglades.
Victoria looks at the lake, then unstraps and moves into the cabin with Kayla where they sit.
VICTORIA
Well, metaphorically, when your lake overflows and the pollution brings the red tide, the turtles fail. For me, when the central bank keeps pouring free money into the system, it eventually overflows and makes the currency worthless.
KAYLA
How can you stop it?
VICTORIA
There will come a reckoning. The Fed can’t bail out everyone forever. Perhaps even more important, cloud security is extremely vulnerable.
KAYLA
Sounds like the way you feel about bloodlines. Maybe genes shouldn’t be hacked.
VICTORIA
You are so funny. Genes are edited, not hacked.
(pause)
Sir George, the lawyer I want you to meet, has unhackable royal blood, you might say; twentieth in line.
KAYLA
I really appreciate the offer of assistance with his firm. So far, my efforts have been limited to lobbying against the subsidies the sugarcane growers get to flood their groves. The taxpayers have to pay for their irrigation and then later we have to pay for the consequences of the run off from the same irrigation.
VICTORIA
No litigation?
KAYLA
When you sue the sugarcane growers they make the litigation last for years with appeals, so as a single practitioner, I can’t withstand the time and expense. But, maybe with a big firm behind me I can get some traction.
With the skyline of Miami appearing in the distance, Kayla looks down over the Everglades from her window seat, sees an airboat with a man and a woman skimming over the water with a big python laying on the deck.
INT. GEORGE’S LAW OFFICE – DAY
At his desk, Sir George works on his computer.
He receives a buzz on his office phone. He responds.
SECRETARY (O.S.)
Victoria Cromwell.
INT. GEORGE’S LAW OFFICE LOBBY – DAY
Seated in a traditional law-office lobby, Victoria waits with Kayla and Charles.
Sir George comes down the hall. Victoria and Kayla stand. He greets Victoria with a light kiss on the cheek.
GEORGE
Darling.
He nods to Charles, who remains seated.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Charles.
He smiles at Kayla, extends a hand.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Hello, I’m George Townsend.
VICTORIA
Sir George Townsend.
GEORGE
Please, call me George.
KAYLA
Kayla Hitch. Saw you at the polo match.
They shake.
GEORGE
You certainly are in good shape.
(to Victoria)
I love these American women.
VICTORIA
Me too.
George raises his eyebrows.
GEORGE
Right, ah, well then, Victoria, may we talk privately?
(to Kayla)
Would you like coffee, or water?
VICTORIA
Actually I wanted to discuss something with you and Kayla.
GEORGE
Oh, splendid. Come on back.
Victoria and Kayla follow George to his office.
INT. GEORGE’S OFFICE – DAY
In a corner office offering spectacular views of Biscayne Bay and downtown Miami, the ladies take seats on the visiting side of George’s desk. He sits in his executive chair.
KAYLA
What a view! Quite an office.
GEORGE
Thanks.
VICTORIA
Kayla’s a lawyer also,
in Vero Beach.
GEORGE
Where did you go to law school?
KAYLA
I’m a Gator.
GEORGE
We have several of your alumni in the firm. Go Gators!
George reaches his arms out and does the Gator arm spread seen at football games.
Kayla appreciates the gesture with a broad smile.
VICTORIA
(to Kayla)
Tell George what you’re working on.
KAYLA
I’m trying to save Vero Beach from the red tide and the coral destruction and the Everglades from the nutrients and pesticides coming off the sugarcane fields.
George grimaces.
GEORGE
We represent Alphonso Rodriguez.
KAYLA
Oh, my God.
(to Victoria)
A big sugarcane grower. They say his wife is a voodoo priestess.
(to George)
Is that true?
GEORGE
What do you expect from a lady who comes from northeast Cuba by way of Haiti? She came to a deposition once and left chicken blood all over the plaintiff’s car. He ended up dropping the suit.
Kayla stands up.
KAYLA
I’ll go wait with Charles.
Kayla walks out of the office, closes the door behind her.
GEORGE
It appears the Gators forgot to include a course on voodoo defense.
VICTORIA
So much for that idea. Now, what did you want to see me about?
GEORGE
Positive eugenics.
VICTORIA
Meaning?
GEORGE
Darling, you and I have the most inheritable desirable traits of any two persons in England. Royal blood and money. We could create a beautiful child with every advantage known to man, and you don’t have to carry it!
Victoria stands.
VICTORIA
Have you been talking to my mother?
George stands, walks to Victoria.
He hugs her, but she does not hug back.
GEORGE
(whispering)
Our parents have wonderful minds. They always wanted us together.
She pushes him off.
VICTORIA
Don’t remind me. Good bye, George.
Victoria walks toward the door.
GEORGE
Darling, think about it. Santiago says we only need your eggs. He has a very healthy surrogate mother.
VICTORIA
Your brain’s been hacked by Santiago.
Victoria opens the door and walks out.
-
Jack’s Act 2
ACT 2
EXT. KAYLA’S GARAGE – NIGHT
Kayla drives up to her garage and parks.
EXT. KAYLA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Kayla leads Victoria to a porch with stairs leading up to a garage apartment.
KAYLA
I live up there. Home and office.
She leads Victoria along a bricked walkway around the extensive, unlit main house to the ocean.
VICTORIA
Who lives here?
KAYLA
It’s my father’s house, but he lives in New York. I only see him once or twice a year.
The walkway leads to a wooden bridge over a sand dune. They stop and enjoy the moonlit sea, then slip off their shoes.
VICTORIA
Absolutely stunning.
EXT. BEACH – NIGHT
Under the nearly-full moon, the ladies walk along the beach.
Ahead, they see tracks leading from the receding tide up onto the beach and then back down.
KAYLA
See here? The turtle came up, but didn’t lay her eggs and went back into the water.
VICTORIA
Why did she go back?
KAYLA
Got spooked by something.
VICTORIA
Is the red tide from pollution?
KAYLA
Runoff from agriculture.
They continue and see a dark form ahead, digging.
They approach cautiously and watch as a turtle lays eggs.
KAYLA (CONT’D)
Only one egg in a thousand survives until adulthood. If they do, they come right back here to this very beach to lay their eggs. Problem is, this may be the last year if we can’t stop the red tide.
They stroll along the beach. Kayla takes Victoria’s hand.
Victoria responds, giving Kayla a smile.
Behind a sand dune, hidden out of sight, Charles observes.
VICTORIA
You have me thinking about eggs.
My fund invests in a cryogenics and gene-editing laboratory in New York. The president has been on me to freeze some of my eggs.
(pause)
Have you thought about children?
KAYLA
I’m married to my work. Kinda in the child-free movement at the moment. You know, climate change, world overpopulation, all that. Don’t suppose you’ve got an algorithm for that, do you?
VICTORIA
You’re funny. I do feel a need to pass on my genes. My parents are relentlessly introducing me to new suitors.
They reach the steps leading up to Kayla’s father’s house.
Victoria, tired, sits down, sighs.
Kayla sits beside her. Victoria leans back into her shoulder, staring at the moon and stars.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Algorithms.
She passes out.
Kayla watches her breathe for a moment, then picks her up using a fireman’s carry and lugs her up the stairs.
From a hidden vantage point, Charles instinctively moves to help, but stops, watches, retreats.
INT. KAYLA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
In the bedroom, Kayla lays Victoria on the bed, fully clothed, then strips her down to panties and bra and slides a blanket over her.
INT. KAYLA’S BEDROOM – DAWN
Victoria wakes up, sees Kayla is still asleep beside her and wonders what happened.
She slips out of bed and enters a bathroom.
INT. KAYLA’S KITCHEN – DAWN
Victoria, in shorts that are too big for her and a sweatshirt, walks through a small but well-appointed kitchen with a juicer on the counter next to a bowl of fruit.
EXT. KAYLA’S APARTMENT – DAWN
Victoria steps out into the early morning and looks out over the pink clouds above the ocean.
INT. GARAGE – DAWN
Victoria enters the garage, finds a bucket.
EXT. KAYLA’S FATHER’S HOUSE – DAWN
She carries the bucket to the steps leading down to the beach. She looks both ways and sees a mound of sand.
EXT. BEACH – DAWN
She walks to the mound and slides down onto her knees. She fills the bucket half way up with sand.
She digs up an egg without touching it with her hands and places it along with the sand into the bucket.
The sun peeks out of the ocean.
EXT. KAYLA’S FATHER’S HOUSE – DAY
Victoria climbs the stairs. Kayla comes around the house.
KAYLA
You scared me.
VICTORIA
Sorry, didn’t want to wake you.
Kayla looks down at the bucket.
KAYLA
Are you making Windsor castles?
VICTORIA
I had a dream about the eggs, so I dug one up to take it to New York.
KAYLA
You aren’t suppose to mess with the eggs; it’s against the law. I mean, the odds are so bad against any one of them making it, and now you dig them up!
VICTORIA
You’re cross. I’m sorry. I meant no offense. You see, the lab I told you about, they’re doing some innovative procedures with eggs. Maybe they can increase the turtles’ chances from one in a thousand to something better.
Kayla spreads her hands, upset.
KAYLA
You’re messing with nature.
Kayla turns away and strides back toward the house shaking her head.
-
Jack’s Act 1 of Conceived
ACT 1
EXT. WINDSOR POLO CLUB – DAY
SUPRA: VERO BEACH, FLORIDA: SEVEN YEARS EARLIER
EXT. LIMO – DAY
A black limo turns off a well-landscaped highway into an oak-tree-lined entrance with a sign that reads Windsor. A display of pumpkins surrounds the sign.
Nearby, on the side of a perfectly-manicured polo field, an empty set of stands sits ready to receive fans.
The limo stops in front of the stands. The driver, CHARLES BLACKWOOD, 30’s, filling out his suit like a heavyweight wrestler, slips out, opens the passenger door.
SANTIAGO GONZALEZ, 40’s, champion of polo and women, smiles broadly as he stands waiting for the occupant.
Victoria, dressed for polo, steps out. Santiago takes her hand, kisses it.
SANTIAGO
Victoria.
VICTORIA
Hello, Santiago.
He leads her to a golf cart and they climb in.
INT. GOLF CART – DAY
Santiago drives off with Victoria.
SANTIAGO
I brought Number Eleven for you.
VICTORIA
Does it matter? You keep saying they’re all exactly the same.
SANTIAGO
They are, but you did so well with him in Buenos Aires.
They arrive at the stables.
INT. STABLES – DAY
Victoria examines horses, exact copies of each other.
VICTORIA
I can’t tell. Which is Eleven?
Santiago opens a stall and PORSHE, 30’s, a beautiful Argentinian, leads a horse out.
Porshe hands the reins to Victoria as Santiago puts out his hands for her to step into. She steps into his hands and is hoisted up onto the saddle, trots off like a rider on an Olympics show horse.
INT. KAYLA’S OFFICE – DAY
In a small office with two desks and bookshelves, Kayla stands while finishing work on her computer.
JEREMY STROM, 20’s, her secretary, watches.
JEREMY
It’s only 90 seconds away.
KAYLA
You finish the schedule.
EXT. KAYLA’S OFFICE – DAY
Kayla rushes out onto a porch with a stunning view of the ocean, then down stairs to reveal that her office is above the garage to a fabulous ocean-front estate.
INT. KAYLA’S OFFICE – DAY
From the window, Jeremy watches Kayla leave, then turns on a video game.
EXT. POLO FIELD – DAY
Kayla parks and walks toward the stands.
She climbs up the stairs, nods to a few people, finds a seat on the top row.
The teams line up in front of the stands.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Windsor. We are pleased to have two of the best teams in the world compete today! First we would like to introduce the Argentinian El Turon team, captained by Santiago Gonzalez, wearing green. And, in opposition, we are pleased to present the Vero Beach Ocean Grill team in blue, captained by Englishman Sir George Townsend, famous for the training program which has produced two European championships!
The teams receive applause, then turn and trot to their positions for the start of the match.
MONTAGE – THE MATCH
Play begins with a spirited charge by Santiago and a shot that scores. The score reads El Turon 1 Vero Beach 0.
Victoria RIDES HARD along the side of the field near the stands. Kayla admires her talents, which result in Victoria stealing the ball from George, after which she looks back and smiles at him, rubbing it in, then scores a goal.
The score reads El Turon 4 Vero Beach 3.
The two teams exchange goals.
The score reads El Turon 7 Vero Beach 7.
The match concludes with Victoria scoring and the El Turon team winning. The score reads El Turon 9 Vero Beach 8.
The El Turon team celebrates the win.
EXT. STAGE – DAY
On a small stage with a backdrop that includes the Windsor name and large pumpkins on the corners, the winning team accepts applause as the trophy is presented to Santiago.
In the stands, Kayla watches Victoria pose for photos with her teammates.
From the side of the stage, Sir George watches the same, with an emphasis of admiration for Victoria.
As they disband, Kayla sees Santiago take Victoria aside and attempt to kiss her. Victoria leans back, smiles but retreats with a hand on Santiago’s chest.
Sir George also notices.
Limo driver Charles steps in between them. Victoria plays it as nothing, but leaves with Charles, who stares back at Santiago.
EXT. OCEAN GRILL – NIGHT
Kayla rolls her Ford Taurus into the parking lot of a classic wooden oceanfront restaurant extending out over the beach on pilings. A sign reads Ocean Grill.
INT. OCEAN GRILL BAR – NIGHT
At a bar decorated with pumpkins, Victoria finds a stool and sits, turns to gaze out over the ocean.
On the other side of the room, Charles stands watching.
Kayla walks in, sees friends at the bar and begins a conversation. A bartender greets her with a white wine.
Victoria, who still has not been waited on, notices Kayla, who turns and catches her looking.
Kayla walks around the bar and approaches.
KAYLA
Hi, I saw you at the polo match. You’re really good.
VICTORIA
(pleased)
It was quite a good match.
The bartender lays a napkin down in front of Victoria, who tilts her head back and fluffs her hair.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
What are you having?
KAYLA
They have their own label on several wines. I like the Chardonnay.
VICTORIA
(to the bartender)
The Ocean Grill Chardonnay.
Kayla gives Victoria a big smile.
KAYLA
I’m Kayla Hitch.
VICTORIA
Victoria Cromwell.
KAYLA
I love your jewelry.
Outta this world beautiful.
Victoria touches her gold polo-pony necklace.
VICTORIA
Thank you.
KAYLA
Where are all the men I saw trying to drape themselves over you after the match?
VICTORIA
I prefer American men.
KAYLA
How about American women?
VICTORIA
Are you suggesting I don’t know what I’m missing?
KAYLA
That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.
(pause)
I’m guessing your accent is British?
VICTORIA
Quite. And I’m guessing you are very American.
KAYLA
Raised just on the other side of the tracks from Windsor. Might as well have been on the other side of the moon, but now I live on the beach across from the polo field.
VICTORIA
How lovely! So, you are of mixed race? What is the proper term?
KAYLA
Been called everything from mixed to multi to mulatto, but I’ll go with what President Obama called himself: mutt.
VICTORIA
Well, I think you’re beautiful, and quite engaging.
KAYLA
You here alone? Would you like to have dinner with me?
Victoria considers the offer.
VICTORIA
And very forward! Supper sounds lovely, but I was told it is impossible this time of year
unless you wait two hours.
The bartender places Victoria’s drink in front of her.
KAYLA
(to the bartender)
Sean, tell Joey we’re staying for dinner.
INT. OCEAN GRILL DINING ROOM – NIGHT
In a large room extravagantly decorated for Halloween, an empty premier table overlooks the ocean.
A hostess places two wines down, then seats Victoria, who is a few inches shorter than Kayla. Kayla pulls out her own chair and sits.
KAYLA
(to the hostess)
Thanks, Andrea, this is great.
VICTORIA
How delightful! Impressive.
At the bar, Charles sits, watches, nursing a draft.
Santiago comes into view, walking toward him.
Charles puts his beer down, stands up, much taller.
SANTIAGO
Well, look who it is. This means Victoria must be here.
He looks around, spots her, strides toward her. Charles comes to full attention.
Santiago approaches from behind, places his hand on Victoria’s shoulder.
SANTIAGO (CONT’D)
Ah, the spoils of victory. Nice table. Who is this splendid specimen?
VICTORIA
Oh, Santiago. This is Kayla.
KAYLA
Congratulations. I saw the match.
SANTIAGO
Yes, another win for perfection.
(to Victoria)
I understand you’re coming to Miami.
Victoria nods.
SANTIAGO (CONT’D)
Give me a call. I’ll be there. There’s something I’d like to propose.
Victoria nods.
SANTIAGO (CONT’D)
Nice to meet you, Kayla.
Hope to see you again.
Santiago leaves, waves hello to a rowdy crowd at a large circular table for twelve who receive him with cheers as Porshe stands and pulls a chair out for him.
At the table, Kayla watches Santiago’s reception.
KAYLA
A proposal. Sounds interesting.
VICTORIA
He thinks being the captain of the team gives him off-field privileges.
KAYLA
He’s handsome.
VICTORIA
And smart. He runs a cloning lab for the ponies in Buenes Aires.
Did you notice our horses were all the same?
KAYLA
Actually I didn’t. Interesting.
VICTORIA
Our company help fund the cloning of Dolly back in 1996. The first polo ponies were cloned in 2012. The first monkeys in 2018. The Chinese have now cloned humans, and Santiago wants to follow up.
KAYLA
With you?
VICTORIA
I’ve heard as much from mutual friends. I think he’s simply trying to smooth talk his way into my britches, but of course with cloning, that’s not necessary!
KAYLA
That’s no fun.
(changing the subject)
So, Victoria, what do you do when you’re not playing polo?
VICTORIA
I manage a hedge fund based in London, but many of our investments are in American companies.
KAYLA
That would be hard for me; I can barely manage my own money.
VICTORIA
I’m more of a mathematician than a money manager. I help create algorithms for blockchain applications as well as currency trading.
KAYLA
I’m not even sure what algorithms even are, or do, or whatever.
VICTORIA
Algorithms are like recipes, steps used to make things, like calculations, or to resolve problems, or make decisions. Arguably, the most important things in the world are algorithms.
Kayla gives a look of not understanding.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
We ourselves, as biological organisms, are algorithms, with our brain constantly signalling with neural networking so we can make decisions. So, for me, everything is data flow: personal through social networks, biochemical, economic, political. The data flow knows. My algorithms chart and decipher the flows, then automatically invest appropriately.
Kayla, blank-faced, waves her hand over her head.
KAYLA
That data flowed right over my head.
Victoria smiles at the gesture, comes back to Kayla’s earth.
VICTORIA
What about you, when you’re not watching polo?
KAYLA
Lawyer, mostly environmental work. Turtles have been coming to the beach right here for millions of years to lay their eggs, but it’s possible it’ll all end soon. It’s late in the season but they’re still laying. Wanna check ‘em out? Moon is perfect.
Victoria leans back, considering the offer.
VICTORIA
When in Rome.
CHEERS comes up from Santiago’s table. Santiago sneaks a peek at Victoria to see if she’s watching.
LATER
With empty coffee cups in front of them, Victoria sighs.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Well, that was splendid! Please allow me to pay for dinner tonight.
KAYLA
Are you sure?
VICTORIA
Yes, of course; wonderful atmosphere and a delectable dinner.
The check is presented. Victoria scans it, then places two one-hundred-dollar bills on the table.
She stands, but, somewhat inebriated, she staggers.
Out of nowhere, Charles appears and steadies her.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Oh, Charles, thank you. That Ocean Grill Chardonnay.
(to Kayla)
Kayla Hitch, this is my co-pilot, Charles Blackwood.
Charles nods to Kayla as Victoria composes herself.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Right. Well, I’ll see you
at the plane at ten.
Having been dismissed, Charles marches out, followed by Victoria and Kayla.
Santiago watches.
EXT. OCEAN GRILL – NIGHT
Outside in the fresh air, Charles walks off. The two ladies take in the scene of the beach and the moon.
KAYLA
You’re a pilot?
VICTORIA
I am.
KAYLA
You’re full of surprises.
(pause)
I’m not sure you should drive.
VICTORIA
I came with Charles.
Kayla is stunned.
KAYLA
You came here with him and you didn’t have dinner with him?
VICTORIA
Yes, well, I suppose that seems rather odd. You might say he’s
my body guard.
KAYLA
Yeah, I saw him stop your captain when he was gettin’ a little fresh.
VICTORIA
You saw that? You’ve been watching me closely.
She takes Kayla by the arm and leans in.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Maybe I’ll need my body guard tonight after all.
KAYLA
Depends upon what you’re afraid of.
-
Teaser – Conceived
INT. PRIVATE AIRCRAFT TERMINAL – DAY IN THE FUTURE
In the lounge of a private-aircraft terminal, KAYLA HITCH, 30’s, an athletic and beautiful lady of mixed race sits calmly while BILLY OSCEOLA, 40’s, Florida’s Ayes Indian tribal shaman, normally calm and collected, paces in front of her, troubled.
He stops and peers out the glass door onto the tarmac and sees the back of SIR GEORGE TOWNSEND, 40’s, royal blood, stiff British manner, staring out at the runway.
A Lear Jet lands.
Billy, rubbing his hands and face, sits down next to Kayla.
KAYLA
I’ve handled both of them before.
I can do it again.
BILLY
You messed with nature.
KAYLA
This is not my fault. You’re the one who told after you
promised not to.
He pulls out a photo of a six-year old dressed in a tux and top hat in front of a castle.
BILLY
I don’t even understand how Edward has my genes in the first place. How did my seed get to England?
She takes the photo from him and looks at it, changing the subject.
KAYLA
He already runs circles around the English kids in soccer. He’s going to be so rich and powerful.
Problem is, they’ve turned him into a spoiled brat, just like I’m sure they were.
BILLY
You wanted to prove your point about the way you’re brought up versus bloodlines; I get it, but Pete’s a genius, and he didn’t get that from you or me, or living in the Everglades.
He got it from Victoria and George.
KAYLA
Are you going to tell him?
BILLY
(not paying attention to her)
His math teacher doesn’t even understand half of what he says.
KAYLA
You’re the one who taught him everything that means anything.
I mean, even you can’t tame pythons. He’s going to be a
greater shaman than you.
Billy CRACKS his knuckles.
BILLY
George sees his potential and it isn’t being a shaman.
(pause)
What do you think Victoria’s
gonna do?
KAYLA
Just let me do the talking. You think I haven’t planned for this day? I can handle these royals, believe me.
BILLY
You’re gonna get disbarred.
Kayla gets up, paces, suddenly nervous.
KAYLA
They’ll never make it public.
When it comes down to the Brits, royal lives matter. The scandal would destroy them.
BILLY
You tricked her. You think she’s gonna let that go?
Kayla looks out the window again.
KAYLA
Shit. Here she comes.
Kayla hustles toward the door. Billy stands up.
BILLY
Where you going?
KAYLA
I’m sorry!
Her bravado gone at the sight of the jet, she bolts.
Billy watches her leave, then walks over to the window.
EXT. FIXED BASE OPERATION – DAY
A Learjet rolls to a stop. We can see the pilot, VICTORIA CROMWELL, 30’s, take off her head set and stand up.
The stairs come down and the brilliant and confident English blue-blood steps down. George walks toward her, smiling.
He spreads his arms for a hug, but she always gets her way and she’s not having any of his today. She stops before he can reach her. Hands on her hips, she refuses the hug.
GEORGE
Ah, … how was the crossing?
VICTORIA
Let’s dispense with the unpleasantries. Get on to it.
GEORGE
Perhaps we should collect your luggage. You’re going to want to stay.
VICTORIA
I already informed you quite clearly that I must be back in London by morning.
GEORGE
When you see him you will reschedule.
VICTORIA
When I see whom?
GEORGE
Please, Victoria, don’t doubt me on this. We have to drive out to the Everglades.
VICTORIA
Kayla. I should have known.
GEORGE
Actually, …
VICTORIA
George, get on to it.
What does she want now?
GEORGE
Darling, come in and sit in the air conditioning; it’s hot.
VICTORIA
I’m aware you think my resources are infinite, but have you any idea of the cost of jet fuel for a six hour flight on a Learjet Liberty? Why in the bloody hell am I here?
George relents. He slides his hand into his blazer and removes his phone, taps it and shows her a photo of a smiling young boy posing with one foot on an alligator.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
A ragamuffin standing on a
stuffed alligator.
George adjusts the photo to zoom in on the child’s face.
GEORGE
No, it’s a real alligator. Recognize those eyes?
(pause)
And tell me that’s not your father’s hair?
Victoria examines the boy’s face.
VICTORIA
Who is he, George?
GEORGE
He’s doing geometry at six years of age! Billy Osceola has him helping with spreadsheets in the casino.
VICTORIA
Who the bloody hell is he and why should I give a damn?
GEORGE
He’s our son, Peter. They call him
Python Pete.
She is temporarily thrown off from her normal condescending superiority, but recovers. She slides her phone out of her pocket and pulls up the phone’s cover photo of the English lad Billy had a photo of. He appears a little darker than the lilly-white Victoria.
She shows the picture in the phone to George.
VICTORIA
You haven’t seen Edward in a year. What kind of father are you?
GEORGE
Remember the initial skuttlebutt about his coloring?
George tries to guide her inside. She breaks away.
VICTORIA
How could that boy be our son?
GEORGE
Kayla switched your eggs with hers.
Victoria suddenly paces back and forth, thinking.
VICTORIA
What makes you think that?
GEORGE
Billy Osceola told me.
George stops her, takes her phone and points to the photo.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
He wants to meet his son.
Victoria faints. George catches her, carries her toward the building as Billy rushes out to help.
-
Jack’s Character Story Lines
What I learned from this assignment is that by following the outline for character storylines, I thought of new plot points
Character Story Lines for CONCEIVED
VICTORIA
Beginning: Where does the character start? – She lands her
jet, thinks she’s in charge
Turning
Point: A twist that locks them
into a conflict. – Finds out that she has been raising Kayla’s son in England as a royal-blooded sonMidpoint: A twist that causes everything to change. Her fund is
hackedTurning
Point 2: Another twist that takes them
to the biggest conflict. Her eggs are switched
Dilemma: The character is faced with two equally unacceptable
choices. They lose either way. – If she pays the ransom by furnishing the
queen’s skin she risks everythingMajor
Conflict: The ultimate experience of this
conflict: She must save the queen’s money but must conspire to clone the queen in
order to do thatEnding: Their world has changed. Victoria is now taking major risks,
something she hatesKAYLA
Beginning – She is infatuated with Victoria and is a member of the child-free movement
Turning Point – She decides to freeze her eggs for future fertilization
Midpoint – She is disrespected, decides to switch eggs with Victoria’s
Turning Point 2 – Sugarcane king’s Haitian wife places voodoo curse on her
Dilemma – Get Micheline to release curse by bending to the will of the sugarcane king
Ending – Ironically, she won’t raise her own child, exactly what her internal wound is regarding her absent father
CHARLES
Beginning – Co-pilot and Bodyguard
Turning Point – Betrays Victoria
Midpoint – Makes Deal with Chinese communists
Turning Point 2 – Asks for his own bitcoin ransom demand in addition to the communists’ demands
Dilemma – Must protect Victoria against communists so she can fulfill his demand
Ending – He conspired to clone the queen
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Beginning – World renown gene editing specialist and excommunicated Druid
Turning Point – Hatches a plan when Victoria agrees to freeze her eggs
Midpoint – He steals the wrong eggs, not knowing they’ve been switched
Turning Point 2 – Daughter Bryony refuses to abort female child
Dilemma – He knows his experiments fail, yet he promotes them
Ending – Learns to love his granddaughter, Dana the Celtic princess.
SANTIAGO
Beginning – Wants to sell Hitler’s genes
Turning Point – Obtains Victoria’s eggs (But actually Kayla’s)
Midpoint – decides to gene-enhance the embryo
Turning Point 2 – Finds out he’s been selling quarter-black babies to neo nazis
Dilemma – Tell the truth or not
Ending – Falls for Kayla
.
JEREMY
Beginning – Kayla’s secretary, a goof-off video game player
Turning Point – Meets Windy Moon, whom he falls for
Midpoint – Meets Jimmy Gregory’s daughter, an AI person who says she can help Jeremy’s with his gaming
Turning Point 2 – Jeremy learns the truth of Kayla’s betrayal
Dilemma – tell Windy Moon truth and lose Kayla and job?
End – becomes a serious person instead of a goof off
– becomes AI expert
-
Jack’s Pilot Structure
What I learned from this assignment is I need better turning points to end the Acts
Teaser:
Essence:
Kayla, confident she can handle royal-blooded Victoria, flees when she
sees her roll her jet to a stop. Supercilious Victoria steps from her Lear
Jet and confronts Sir George about the emergency that required her to
change her schedule and fly to Florida. <div>Turning
Point: The unflappable Victoria faints when she finds out the child she has been raising in
England for 7 years is not biologically hers.Act 1:
Act 1 Essence 1:
The time is seven years earlier. </div>1. Kayla
watches Victoria excel at polo, then meets her and they share the
experience of witnessing female turtles lay eggs on the beach, not realizing
they are being watched by Victoria’s bodyguard Charles.<div>
Turning
Points: Victoria upsets Kayla by taking a
turtle egg from a nest. Kayla says she’s messing with nature but Victoria tells her of a gene-editing lab that might help the turtlesAct 1 Essence 2:
2. Santiago, the Argentinian captain of Victoria’s polo team, presents the granddaughter of Adolf Hitler to Sir George.
Turning Point: Santiago wants Sir George to be the lawyer who represents the company that will sell her genes to neo nazis in the U.S.
Act 2:
Essence 1:
Kayla accepts Victoria’s offer to fly to Miami to meet Sir George for the
purpose of using his law firm to help Kayla’s efforts to save the
Everglades.</div>Turning
Point: Sir George represents the sugarcane king whom Kayla is suing so he can’t help her<div>
Act 2 Essence2
We meet Billy Osceola, shaman of the Indian tribe living in the Everglades and his daughter Windy Moon as they catch a huge python
Turning Point 2 Billy gives Victoria python eggs to be added to her turtle egg for the lab’s experiments with eggs
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Act 3:
Victoria’s Fund is hacked and she keeps it a secret because it is Saturday and nobody will learn until Monday.
Turning Point/Midpoint- She discovers the ransom demanded is for her to obtain Queen Elizabeth’s skin – she doesn’t understand why
</div><div>
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Act 4:
Essence:
Victoria flies Kayla to New York and introduces her to her parents and
Professor Matthews. </div><div>Turning Point 1 : Kayla is not welcome at her parents home
Turning Point 2: Professor Matthews convinces Victoria and Kayla to freeze their eggs
Act 5:
Essence:
The two women freeze their eggs </div><div>Lock
In:1. Professor Matthews reveals the actual skull of Bran The Blessed and his plan to steal Victoria’s eggs to have a child with her as the biological mother
2. Victoria learns the ransom demanded means someone wants to clone Queen Elizabeth but still doesn’t know who wants this or why. She thinks maybe it’s someone in the queen’s family. Charles overhears her conversation and makes a call.
</div>
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Jack’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned from this assignment is to plan ahead for the pilot to be binge worthy by structuring it as the seasonal inciting incident.
Intriguing Concept: Parents who had children with surrogate mothers discover they have been raising the wrong children because the mothers’ eggs were switched. One of the women handles some of the royal family’s money and her account is hacked with a ransom of obtaining the queen’s skin for cloning.
Act 1: Two professional women of opposite pedigree meet, become lovers and decide to freeze their eggs.
Midpoint: Gene editing, embryo enhancement and cloning of humans are actually happening today and Professor Matthews is in the middle of it all. Victoria’s fund is hacked, but the ransom is not specified yet.
Lock In: The professor of the lab where the eggs are frozen who has been excommunicated from his English Druid community wants to steal Victoria’s eggs to create a child who will allow him to return to former Druid glory in England. Victoria must obtain the skin of the Queen of England before she can get her computer working again and her funds restored. She determines the reason for this is that someone wants to clone the queen
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Jack’s Big Picture Assignments
What I learned from this assignment is to outline the pilot before writing it
World: The story has an international feel, bringing the audience into the rarified air of England’s high, blue-blooded society via a hedge fund manager who manages some of the royal family’s wealth. Her portfolio includes investments in gene-editing cryogenics laboratories, one of which, in Buenos Aires, clones the polo ponies she rides for her championship team. In America, her lover is an environmental lawyer suing to save the Everglades from sugarcane pollution. These three worlds from different parts of the globe collide when the accounts of the hedge fund manager are hacked and the ransom demand is not money, but political lobbying and espionage.
<div>
Main
mystery: What will happen when two women’s frozen eggs are switched?Impossible
Goal: Discover who has stolen the royal family’s wealth and get it backMain
Conflict: A woman switches her eggs for another’s, and the woman who is not aware is attempting to recover from her accounts being hacked and her funds stolenSecond
Mystery: What will happen with the proposed sale of Hitler’s genes in the U.S.?Season
1 Arc: A confident hedge fund manager becomes desperate to fulfill impossible demands of hackersSeason
1 Protagonist Internal Journey: A hedge fund manager who is a mathematical genius but has few social skills must learn them in order to accomplish her impossible missionPILOT INFO:
Pilot
Conflict:
Main
Characters Introduced:
Inciting
Incident of Season 1: </div>Two women freeze their eggs in a cryogenics lab. The professor of the lab where the eggs are frozen, who has been excommunicated from his English Druid community, plans to steal some of the eggs of one of the women, who is royal-blooded, to create a child who will allow him to return to former glory in England.
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Jack’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned from this assignment is to plan ahead for the pilot to be binge worthy by structuring it as the seasonal inciting incident.
Intriguing Concept: Parents who had children with surrogate mothers discover they have been raising the wrong children because the mothers’ eggs were switched.
Act 1: Two professional women of opposite pedigree meet, become lovers and decide to freeze their eggs.
Midpoint: Gene editing, embryo enhancement and cloning of humans are actually happening today.
Lock In: The professor of the lab where the eggs are frozen who has been excommunicated from his English Druid community wants to steal eggs of a royal-blooded woman to create a child who will allow him to return to former glory in England.
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Module 2 Lesson 10
Jack’s Episode Titles For Season 1
EPISODE 1 – Plans Are Hatched
EPISODE 2 – The Lady Doth Protest Too Much
EPISODE 3 – Hack Attack
EPISODE 4 – Switching and Witching
EPISODE 5 – Political Ponzi
EPISODE 6 – The Chosen Ones
EPISODE 7 – Can Failure Be An Option?
EPISODE 8 – Et Tu Brute?
EPISODE 1 – Plans Are Hatched
Intro Kayla the lawyer, trying to save the Everglades, who meets Victoria, the English blue blood at a polo match with her chosen mate, lawyer Sir George, and the Argentinian star Santiago. Santiago introduces Porshe, from Buenos Aires, the granddaughter of Adolf Hitler, to Sir George and asks him to do the legal work to help Santiago sell Hitler’s DNA in America. Kayla and Victoria travel to NYC to meet Professor Matthews, world leading gene-editing scientist who was excommunicated from his Druid compound in England, to freeze their eggs for future fertilization. Victoria gives him turtle eggs and python eggs to experiment with. The episode ends with the professor introducing an ancient skull of Bran The Blessed he expects to extract DNA from to combine with Victoria’s eggs.
EPISODE 2 – The Lady Doth Protest Too Much
Introduction of Billy Osceola, shaman of Ayes Indian tribe and python hunter. At a Save the Everglades protest, Billy is arrested, then let out by sugarcane company lawyer Sir George, because he is physically interested in Kayla. This upsets sugarcane king Adolpho’s wife and she places a voodoo curse on Kayla and Billy O. Kayla happens to be with Sir George when Victoria calls to tell him she wants a child with him.. Santiago introduces white supremist Jimmy Gregory to Sir George as the person who will sell the embryos and babies with Hitler’s DNA.
Victoria’s company is hacked with Ransomware.
EPISODE 3 – Hack Attack
Victoria pays a crypto-currency ransom to get her computer files back, but only one of five funds are recovered, enough to keep her clients receiving income payments and thus keep them from knowing about the hack, similar to a Ponzi scheme. Victoria waits for new demands for the remaining funds.
Kayla is disrespected by Victoria and Kayla is jealous of her choosing Sir George to be the father of her child. Kayla concocts a plan to get back at the prejudice blue-blood parents of Victoria who will raise her child. Kayla seduces Sir George and obtains his sperm for fertilization of what the audience will think is Kayla’s eggs.
Sir George tells Santiago he will be the father of Victoria’s child and wants to use one of Santiago’s women as surrogate. Santiago tells Porshe he will steal some of Victoria’s eggs to create a blue-blooded baby with his and Hitler’s genes.
EPISODE 4 – Switching and Witching
Kayla travels to Professor Matthews lab and switches the name tags on Victoria’s and her eggs at Professor Matthews lab. Professor Matthews injects something into the turtle and python eggs. Santiago meets with Victoria because she wants to have him clone a race horse so she can get her money back before the royal family realizes their money is gone. Billy Osceola has bad luck with pythons and thinks it’s because of the curse.
EPISODE 5 – Political Ponzi
Santiago helps Victoria discover who the hackers are by introducing white supremist Jimmy Gregory to her, who has friends that are hackers. Victoria receives her second set of instructions for getting her funds back: she must lobby politicians she knows to allow a certain group to obtain a management contract for a Taiwanese port.
Victoria is able to get the DNA from the triple crown winner to implant into a surrogate horse.
EPISODE 6 – The Chosen Ones
Surrogates are all chosen, then become pregnant. Professor Matthew chooses daughter Bryony. Santiago allows Porshe to be his surrogate. Billy Osceola gets his daughter Windy Moon to carry what he thinks is his and Kayla’s child, but in reality, it is Victoria’s and Sir George’s..
EPISODE 7 – Can Failure Be An Option?
All is Lost Episode – All parents-to-be confer with their surrogates to make plans for the raising of the children. Porshe doesn’t want to give up the child to Victoria. Kayla thinks the problems her surrogate for Victoria and Sir George’s child, Windy Moon, is having is because of the voodoo curse. The surrogate horse for the clone of the triple crown winner dies. Professor Matthews’ turtles and pythons are born with abnormalities.
Victoria is unable to get the politicians to do her bidding and her funds remain hacked. political.
EPISODE 8 – Kayla visits Adolpho’s wife and makes peace, settles the lawsuit and the curse is reversed. Complications with her pregnancy plague Windy Moon, surrogate for Kayla, but in reality Victoria and Sir George’s child, but she successfully gives birth to a baby boy, Jack. Porshe, surrogate for Victoria, but carrying the biological child of Kayla and Billy Osceola, has a baby girl, Katherine, and agrees to give up the baby to Victoria’s parents. Professor Matthews daughter Bryone, surrogate for her father, has a baby girl, Dana, and reconciles with her father, who thinks the baby has Victoria’s genes but they are Kayla’s.
SEASON 1 CLIFFHANGER – Victoria discovers her bodyguard Charles is the traitor who has given her passwords to Chinese hackers.
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MODULE 2 LESSON 9
Jack Presents Non-Stop Intrigue
What I learned from this assignment is that it helps to read the improved sentences presented in the lesson to help me think of my own
PITCH BIBLE – CONCEIVED
CONCEIVED, a one-hour dramatic series.
CONCEPT: With gene editing and embryo enhancement, children are planned with surrogate mothers, but the eggs of the two donors are secretly switched, creating children whose parents don’t know who they really are.
WORLD: The story has an international feel, bringing the audience into the rarified air of England’s high, blue-blooded society via a hedge fund manager who manages some of the royal family’s wealth. Her portfolio includes investments in gene-editing cryogenics laboratories, one of which, in Buenos Aires, clones the polo ponies she rides on her championship team. In America, her lover is an environmental lawyer suing to save the Everglades from sugarcane pollution. These three worlds from different parts of the globe collide when the accounts of the hedge fund manager are hacked.
SHOW SUMMARY: This is the story of the unraveling of the lives of parents and their children who grow up not knowing who they really are. Two strong female leads of opposite pedigree meet and become lovers. KAYLA HITCH, late 20’s, is an environmental lawyer of mixed race who is all natural, very athletic, but not tech-savvy or good with money, as she loves to gamble. VICTORIA CROMWELL, 30’s, is very English, being of royal blood, and runs a hedge fund that includes some of the royal family’s wealth. She is extremely risk averse in her investments, but pilots her own Learjet around the world with her copilot, confidant and bodyguard CHARLES, 40’s, and plays high level polo on her own championship team. Kayla wants to halt the emergence of red tide on Florida’s beaches and save the Everglades while Victoria wants to halt the security breaches in her accounts and safely grow the fund she manages, not realizing Charles has sold her passwords to hackers who escalate their demands over the seasons from money to forcing Victoria to engage in very risky behavior, including lobbying for highly political and profitable management contracts for seaports and airports around the world, business that is against both U.S. and England’s national interests.
At the end of the pilot episode, the two women, each too busy with their lives to have children themselves, freeze their eggs so that they may have children in the future with surrogate mothers. Kayla, jealous and upset that she is disrespected by Victoria’s associates and parents, and wanting to prove that it is the environment a child grows up in, not their genes that determines personality, switches the frozen eggs, and at the end of the first season, children are born to parents who do not actually know who they really are.
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CHARACTERS
KAYLA
An environmentalist lawyer who lives on a beautiful, remote beach that is part of Vero Beach, Florida’s turtle preserve, Kayla Hitch is a tall, mixed-race, athletic, sexual being who loves to gamble, but is not well-travelled, not good with money, and has an emotional wound from growing up without her father, a wealthy, white NYC banker. Her mother, African American, was a great high school athlete who became pregnant with his child.
Kayla, fascinated by Victoria and her hundreds of years of family heritage, seduces her and enters a circle of high-society English who live in America. Rejected as inferior by Victoria’s blue-blooded associates and parents, Kayla switches her frozen eggs for Victoria’s as revenge and to prove her theory that nurture, not nature, is the determining factor of one’s personality. Later, she ironically is saddened that she can not be involved in the life of her own wonderful daughter who is raised in England as a suitable bride for royals.
VICTORIA
We are introduced to the short-in-size but tall-in-stature Victoria Cromwell as she pilots her Lear Jet into Vero Beach for a polo match in which she excels. She is a brilliant manager, but her brilliance is not matched with a personality of social skills. She has no time for incompetence or failure and has been paired by her parents with Sir George Townsend, who has the high-brow blood and background to produce children suitable to be brides or grooms to the royals. Normally composed, she later becomes unglued when she learns the child she loves is actually not hers biologically, while, at the same time, hacking blackmailers ramp up their demands for her to do their bidding against her interests.
When Victoria’s hedge fund is hacked, much of the money lost is from the royal account. In her quest to find and defeat the attackers, she uses her Argentinian polo captain Santiago Rodriguez, who clones polo ponies in his world-lass facility in Buenos Aires. He has been selling embryos and children with the DNA from Adolph Hitler’s granddaughter, Porshe, to white supremists in Florida. Victoria meets these people when she adds Americans farms with fresh water supply to her list of assets to be held in times of financial crisis. They, in turn, assist her with finding the hackers, who are Chinese associates of her bodyguard Charles.
SIR GEORGE TOWNSEND
Counsel for Adolpho Ramirez, the sugarcane king, who pollutes the Everglades with runoff from the fields, Sir George Townsend is a Miami lawyer who becomes the biological father of Victoria’s child who Kayla raises in the Everglades. Sir George is physically interested in Kayla and she is able to seduce him and obtain his seed for her deceitful purpose.
Unwittingly, Billy Osceola, the shaman of the tribe in the Everglades Kayla chooses to be the father of her child, gives his sperm to Kayla, thinking it will be used for the child he will father with Kayla, but Kayla switches his for Sir George’s and the plan is complete. Billy’s daughter with Kayla is raised in England and Billy raises Victoria’s and Sir George’s child in the Everglades.
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Jack’s Show Mysteries
What I learned from this exercise is that it may be more important to discard certain aspects of the characters than to add to them. I have discarded the Druid affiliation of the gene – editing professor and the voodoo affiliation of the sugarcane grower’s wife. There is enough intrigue and mystery in having one’s frozen eggs switched for emotional issues and the treachery of one’s closest ally being a traitor for plot issues.
CONCEIVED, a one-hour dramatic series.
SEASON LOGLINE: A royal-blooded wealth fund manager and her American lover freeze their eggs for future fertilization, but the eggs are switched when the lawyer wants to prove that nurture, not nature, determines one’s future. However, the owner of the gene-editing and cryogenics lab where the eggs are stored hatches his own plan for their genes, although he doesn’t know eggs have been switched.
PILOT EPISODE LOGLINE: Two professional women from diverse backgrounds freeze their eggs at the cryogenics lab of the world’s leading gene-editing scientist.
This is the story of the unraveling of the lives of three sets of parents and their children who grow up not knowing who they really are. Two strong female leads of opposite pedigree meet and become lovers. KAYLA HITCH, late 20’s, is an environmental lawyer of mixed race who is all natural, very athletic, but not tech-savvy or good with money. VICTORIA CROMWELL, 30’s, is lilly white, of royal blood, and runs a hedge fund that includes some of the England’s royal family’s wealth. She pilots her own Learjet around the world with her copilot, confidant and bodyguard CHARLES, 40’s. Kayla wants to halt the emergence of red tide on Florida’s beaches and save the Everglades while Victoria wants to halt the security breaches in her accounts and keep and grow the fund she manages. At the end of the pilot episode, the two women, each too busy with their lives to have children themselves, freeze their eggs so that they may have children with surrogate mothers in the future.
The antagonist, PROFESSOR MATTHEWS, 50’s, owns the cryogenics and gene-editing lab where the eggs are stored. He hatches a plan to use Victoria’s eggs to create his own royal-blooded child. The one-hour drama pilot is ripe with original ideas concerning the question of what part genes play in determining one’s soul. Nature versus Nurture in the 21st century.
Professor Matthews was involved with the cloning of Dolly in 1996 and is one of the world’s leading gene-editing and embryo-enhancement specialists Victoria’s Argentinian polo captain, SANTIAGO RODRIGUEZ, 40’s, has successfully cloned polo ponies in Buenos Aires in a lab similar to Professor Matthews’. He supplies Victoria with a surrogate mother for her child, with the ulterior motive of using her eggs for himself, similar to professor Matthews, but just like the professor, does not realize the eggs are actually Kayla’s. PORSHE, the Argentinian surrogate mother, is the daughter of a mistress of Hitler’s who migrated to Argentina. Santiago wants to sell Hitler’s DNA in America to white supremists.
Kayla is shunned by Victoria’s parents because of her race, and because she wants to prove her point of nurture over nature, she switches the nametags on the eggs so that Victoria and Professor Matthews actually raise two children whose biological mother is Kayla, while Kayla raises Victoria’s child in the Everglades.
To further prove her case that environment, not genetic make up, is the determining factor in personality, Kayla chooses her client, Billy Osceola, shaman of the Ayes Indian tribe in the Everglades, as the father, and his daughter Windy Moon as the surrogate mother of Victoria’s royal-blooded child. Kayla represents the tribe in a lawsuit against the sugarcane king, ADOLPHO RAMIREZ, 50’s, who is opening a new sugarcane processing plant. At a protest during the opening ceremony at the plant, Billy is arrested, but released with the help of the attorney opposing Kayla, SIR GEORGE TOWNSEND, 30’s, who is also the man chosen by Victoria to be the biological father of her child, but he is sexually interested in Kayla.
Victoria’s bodyguard Charles, described by her as a modern example of Chaucer’s “strong and true, yet gentle knight” in <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The Canterberry Tales, is actually a spy for Chinese hackers who want to blackmail Victoria so that Chinese ownership of certain ports around the world will be advocated by her in her investments. Normally risk averse, Victoria is forced into risky and dangerous investments to keep the theft of funds from being discovered.
In order to raise a royal-blooded child in the Everglades, Kayla seduces Sir George and retains his sperm to be combined with Victoria’s eggs to create the embryo for surrogate mother Windy Moon, although Billy Osceola thinks he is the biological father. Instead, he is the biological father of the child Victoria will raise in England because Kayla gave Billy’s sperm to Sir George telling him it was his after they had sex.
In the cliffhanger at the end of the first season, four children are born:
1. A boy later known as Python Jack (a modern Tarzan character) – Victoria and Sir George’s biological son, to be raised by Billy Osceola and this daughter Windy Moon in the Everglades. Billy is not aware the child he is raising is not his and that he has a daughter in England.
2. Katherine, Kayla and Billy Osceola’s biological daughter, is raised in England by Victoria’s parents to be worthy of being married into the royal family. They think the child is Victoria’s and Sir George’s.
3. Dana. Kayla and Professor Matthews’ biological daughter, raised by the professor and his daughter Bryony, who think the biological mother is Victoria, not Kayla.
4. A boy named Antonio is born in Buenos Aires with
Santiago’s Porshe as the surrogate mother. Santiago believes the child is his with
Victoria, but it is really Kayla’s child because of the egg switch -
Jack’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation
What I learned from this assignment is that I have to keep asking what if questions, then find answers to the questions.
Tool 1: Dig: What’s beneath that?
– Intro of Hitler’s genes to be sold in U.S. – What’s behind this?
Santiago want’s power – he wants to clone himself after he has perfected it
– Intro Victoria and and Kayla, their love interest – what’s behind this?
Kayla is in awe of the royal family and wants to get closer, even though she keeps saying it’s the environment a child grows up in, not their genes, that determines their true being
– Intro Proffessor Matthews, and him being a Druid – what’s behind this?
He’s been excommunicated from his Druid community in England and will use Victoria’s genes and the DNA from Bran The Blessed to return triumphantly
– Intro Victoria’s hassle with Safety over Profit when market is going well – What’s behind this?
A financial crash occurs and Victoria’s investment in American farms with good water pays off – this leads to her involvement with Jimmy Gregory and the white supremists
Tool 2: Extrapolate: If Santiago’s cloned humans succeed, then he can clone himself, with improvements.
If Kayla switches her eggs for Victoria’s, then Kayla’s child will be raised as a royal
Tool 3: Wonder: What if Professor Matthews was kicked out of his English Druid community and stole the skull of Bran The Blessed and replaced it with someone else’s?
Tool 4: Backtrack: How could Hitler’s genes have made it to Buenos Aires?
Tool 5: Forecast: How could this get even worse?
1. A financial crash takes out Victoria’s funds
2. Victoria has Santiago clone a race horse so she can get back into good graces with the royal family but, after one great win, it dies
3. Kayla thinks she has beaten the curse but she loses her Everglades case
4. Sir George
3. Evaluate the possibilities and decide what you are going to use in the different parts of your TV Pitch Bible. Divide the answers into three categories:
Use in TV Pitch Bible.
Use in Episodes.
Don’t use.
4. For any parts where there is a substantial improvement, rewrite those parts of the TV Pitch Bible. Then, tell us what parts you changed and give a quick description of what you did.
I changed Victoria and Professor Matthews living in New York instead of England. The professor was excommunicated from his Druid faith and wants to use Victoria’s genes and the DNA from Bran The Blessed’s skull, which he stole from England, to return and claim his rightful place with the Druids. – This is similar to tales of past kings banished only to return and win their kingdom back -The mystery is, why was Professor Matthews banished?
Since Victoria now live in NYC instead of London, Kayla visits, giving her a chance to find out more about her father, whom she never sees. The mystery is, why doesn’t her father ever see her? Since her father is a banker, there is now the possibility of Victoria and Kayla’s father having some kind of financial involvement, with conflict, deceit, treachery and theft all possibilities.
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Module 2 Assignment 6
Jack’s Show Summary
What I learned from this assignment is that having a template for the first page of the pitch bible makes it much easier to get the important information front and center.
1. Choose Summary Format – Highlights of Entire Season
ROUGH DRAFT OF FIRST PAGE
CONCEIVED, a one-hour dramatic series.
SEASON LOGLINE: A royal-blooded wealth fund manager and her American lover freeze their eggs for future fertilization, but the eggs are switched when the lawyer wants to prove her point that nurture, not nature, determines one’s future. However, the owner of the gene-editing and cryogenics lab where the eggs are stored hatches his own plan for their genes.
PILOT LOGLINE: Two professional women from diverse backgrounds freeze their eggs at the cryogenics lab of the world’s leading gene-editing scientist who is also the leader of an ancient Druid cult.
This is the story of the unraveling of the lives of three sets of parents and their children who grow up not knowing who they really are. Two strong female leads of opposite pedigree meet and become lovers. KAYLA HITCH, late 20’s, is an environmental lawyer of mixed race who is all natural, not tech-savvy or good with money. VICTORIA CROMWELL, 30’s, is lilly white, of royal blood, and runs a hedge fund that includes some of the Queen’s wealth, piloting her own Learjet around the world with her copilot and bodyguard CHARLES, 40’s. Kayla wants to halt the emergence of red tide on Florida’s beaches and save the Everglades while Victoria wants to halt the security breaches in her accounts and keep and grow the fund she manages. At the end of the pilot episode, the two women freeze their eggs so that they may have children with surrogate mothers. The antagonist, PROFESSOR MATTHEWS, 50’s, owns the cryogenics and gene-editing lab where the eggs are stored. He hatches a plan to use Victoria’s eggs to create his own royal-blooded child. The one-hour drama pilot is ripe with original ideas concerning the question of what part genes play in determining one’s soul. Nature versus Nurture in the 21st century.
Professor Matthews is a leader of the Druid community in England and is the keeper of the skull of Bran The Blessed, an eighth century king who was killed in Ireland in battle. Because the Druids believe the soul resides in the head, not the heart, his head was brought back to England as protection against invasion, and handed down over the ages. The professor is one of the world’s leading gene editing and embryo enhancement specialists and believes he can use DNA from the skull to enhance his own genes, along with Victoria’s, which he intends to secretly use, to create a great royal-blooded Druid leader.
However, because Kayla believes she was shunned by Victoria’s parents because of her race, she switches the nametags on the eggs so that Victoria and Professor Matthews will actually be raising two children whose biological mother is Kayla and Kayla will be raising Victoria’s.
To further prove her case that environment, not genetic make up, is the determining factor in personality, Kayla chooses her client, Billy Osceola, shaman of the Ayes Indian tribe in the Everglades, as the father, and his daughter Windy Moon as the surrogate mother of Victoria’s royal-blooded child. Kayla represents the tribe in a lawsuit against the sugarcane king, ADOLPHO RAMIREZ, 50’s, who is opening a new sugarcane processing plant. At a protest during the opening ceremony at the plant, Billy is arrested, but released with the help of the attorney opposing Kayla, SIR GEORGE TOWNSEND, 30’s, who is also the man chosen by Victoria to be the biological father of her child, but sexually interested in Kayla. Upset by the release of Billy, Adolpho’s Haitian wife, MICHELINE, 40’s, who practices voodoo, places a curse on Kayla and Billy Osceola, forcing them to engage in activities opposite their nature.
Victoria’s bodyguard Charles, described by her as a modern example of Chaucer’s “strong and true, yet gentle knight” in The Canterberry Tales, is actually a spy for Chinese hackers who want to blackmail Victoria so that Chinese ownership of certain ports around the world will be advocated by her in her investments. Normally risk averse, Victoria is forced into risky and dangerous investments to keep the theft of funds from being discovered.
Kayla seduces Sir George and retains his sperm to be combined with Victoria’s eggs to create the embryo for surrogate mother Windy Moon, although Billy Osceola thinks he is the biological father. Instead, he is the biological father of the child Victoria will raise in England because Kayla gave Billy’s sperm to Sir George telling him it was his after they had sex.
In the cliffhanger at the end of the first season, three children are born:
1. A boy later known as Python Jack (a modern Tarzan character) – Victoria and Sir George’s biological son, to be raised by Billy Osceola and this daughter Windy Moon in the Everglades. Billy is not aware the child he is raising is not his and that he has a daughter in England.
2. Katherine, Kayla and Billy Osceola’s biological daughter, is raised in England by Victoria’s parents to be worthy of being married into the royal family. They think the child is Victoria’s and Sir George’s.
3. A girl later known as Dana The Celtic Princess – Kayla and Professor Matthews’ biological daughter with DNA from Bran The Blessed, raised by the professor and his daughter Bryony, who think the biological mother is Victoria, not Kayla.
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Jack’s Season 1 episodes
What I learned from this assignment is that I need to plan the entire season with structure as if it were a feature – inciting incident episodes, turning point episodes, all is lost episode and a cliffhanger at the end
SEASON 1 – Title: Ideas are born
EPISODE 1
Intro Kayla the lawyer, trying to save the Everglades, who meets Victoria, the English blue blood at a polo match with Sir George and the Argentinian star Santiago. Santiago introduces Porshe, from Buenos Aires, the granddaughter of Adolf Hitler, to Sir George and asks him to do the legal work to help Santiago sell Hitler’s DNA in America. Kayla and Victoria travel to England to meet Head Druid Professor Matthews and freeze their eggs for future fertilization. The episode ends with the professor introducing an ancient skull of Bran The Blessed he expects to extract DNA from to combine with Victoria’s eggs.
EPISODE 2
Introduction of Billy Osceola, shaman of Ayes Indian tribe and python hunter. At a Save the Everglades protest, Billy is arrested, then let out by sugarcane company lawyer Sir George, because he is physically interested in Kayla. This upsets sugarcane king Adolpho’s wife and she places a voodoo curse on Kayla and Billy O. Kayla happens to be with Sir George when Victoria calls to tell him she wants a child with him. Victoria’s company is hacked with Ransomware. Santiago introduces white supremist Jimmy Gregory to Sir George as the person who will sell the embryos and babies with Hitler’s DNA.
EPISODE 3
Kayla is disrespected by Victoria and Kayla is jealous of her choosing Sir George to be the father of her child. Kayla concocts a plan to get back at the prejudice blue-blood parents of Victoria who will raise her child. Kayla seduces Sir George and obtains his sperm for fertilization of what the audience will think is Kayla’s eggs. Victoria pays a ransom to get her computer files back and tries to keep it quiet. Sir George tells Santiago he will be the father of Victoria’s child and wants to use one of Santiago’s women as surrogate. Santiago tells Porshe he will steal some of Victoria’s eggs to create a blue-blooded baby with his and Hitler’s genes.
EPISODE 4
Kayla travels to England and switches the name tags on Victoria’s and her eggs at Professor Matthews lab. Santiago meets with Victoria because she wants to have him clone a race horse so she can get her money back before the royal family realizes their money is gone. Billy Osceola has bad luck and thinks it’s because of the curse.
EPISODE 5 – Eggs are fertilized – Surrogates chosen. Santiago helps Victoria discover who the hackers are by introducing white supremist Jimmy Gregory to her, who has friends that are hackers. Victoria is able to get the DNA from the triple crown winner to implant into a surrogate horse.
EPISODE 6 – Surrogates are all pregnant. Professor Matthew chooses daughter Bryony. Santiago allows Porshe to be his surrogate. Billy Osceola gets his daughter Windy Moon to carry what he thinks is his and Kayla’s child, but in reality, it is Victoria’s and Sir George’s..
EPISODE 7 All is Lost Episode – All parents-to-be confer with their surrogates to make plans for the raising of the children. Porshe doesn’t want to give up the child to Victoria. Kayla thinks the problems her surrogate for Victoria and Sir George’s child, Windy Moon, is having is because of the voodoo curse. The surrogate horse for the clone of the triple crown winner dies.
EPISODE 8 – Kayla visits Adolpho’s wife and makes peace, settles the lawsuit and the curse is reversed. Complications with her pregnancy plague Windy Moon, surrogate for Kayla, but in reality Victoria and Sir George’s child, and she successfully gives birth to a baby boy, Jack. Porshe, surrogate for Victoria, but biological child of Kayla and Billy Osceola, has a baby girl, Katherine, and agrees to give up the baby to Victoria’s parents. Bryone has a baby girl, Dana, and reconciles with Professor Matthews, who thinks the baby has Victoria’s genes but they are Kayla’s.
SEASON CLIFFHANGER – Victoria discovers her bodyguard Charles is the traitor who has given her passwords to Chinese hackers.
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Jack’s Layers of Character Intrigue
SEASON 1 –
EPISODE 1
Intro Kayla the lawyer, trying to save the Everglades, who meets Victoria, the English blue blood at a polo match with Sir George and the Argentinian star Santiago. Santiago introduces Porshe, from Buenos Aires, the granddaughter of Adolf Hitler, to Sir George and asks him to do the legal work to help Santiago sell Hitler’s DNA in America. Kayla and Victoria travel to England to meet Head Druid Professor Matthews and freeze their eggs for future fertilization. The episode ends with the professor introducing an ancient skull of Bran The Blessed he expects to extract DNA from to combine with Victoria’s eggs.
EPISODE 2
Introduction of Billy Osceola, shaman of Ayes Indian tribe and python hunter. At a Save the Everglades protest, Billy is arrested, then let out by sugarcane company lawyer Sir George, because he is physically interested in Kayla. This upsets sugarcane king Adolpho’s wife and she places a voodoo curse on Kayla and Billy O. Kayla happens to be with Sir George when Victoria calls to tell him she wants a child with him. Victoria’s company is hacked with Ransomware. Santiago introduces white supremist Jimmy Gregory to Sir George as the person who will sell the embryos and babies with Hitler’s DNA.
EPISODE 3
Kayla is disrespected by Victoria and Kayla is jealous of her choosing Sir George to be the father of her child. Kayla concocts a plan to get back at the prejudice blue-blood parents of Victoria who will raise her child. Kayla seduces Sir George and obtains his sperm for fertilization of what the audience will think is Kayla’s eggs. Victoria pays a ransom to get her computer files back and tries to keep it quiet. Sir George tells Santiago he will be the father of Victoria’s child and wants to use one of Santiago’s women as surrogate. Santiago tells Porshe he will steal some of Victoria’s eggs to create a blue-blooded baby with his and Hitler’s genes.
EPISODE 4
Kayla travels to England and switches the name tags on Victoria’s and her eggs at Professor Matthews lab. Santiago meets with Victoria because she wants to have him clone a race horse so she can get her money back before the royal family realizes their money is gone. Billy Osceola has bad luck and thinks it’s because of the curse.
EPISODE 5 – Eggs are fertilized – Surrogates chosen. Santiago helps Victoria discover who the hackers are by introducing white supremist Jimmy Gregory to her, who has friends that are hackers. Victoria is able to get the DNA from the triple crown winner to implant into a surrogate horse.
EPISODE 6 – Surrogates are all pregnant. Professor Matthew chooses daughter Bryony. Santiago allows Porshe to be his surrogate. Billy Osceola gets his daughter Windy Moon to carry what he thinks is his and Kayla’s child, but in reality, it is Victoria’s and Sir George’s..
EPISODE 7 All is Lost Episode – All parents-to-be confer with their surrogates to make plans for the raising of the children. Porshe doesn’t want to give up the child to Victoria. Kayla thinks the problems her surrogate for Victoria and Sir George’s child, Windy Moon, is having is because of the voodoo curse. The surrogate horse for the clone of the triple crown winner dies.
EPISODE 8 – Kayla visits Adolpho’s wife and makes peace, settles the lawsuit and the curse is reversed. Complications with her pregnancy plague Windy Moon, surrogate for Kayla, but in reality Victoria and Sir George’s child, and she successfully gives birth to a baby boy, Jack. Porshe, surrogate for Victoria, but biological child of Kayla and Billy Osceola, has a baby girl, Katherine, and agrees to give up the baby to Victoria’s parents. Bryone has a baby girl, Dana, and reconciles with Professor Matthews, who thinks the baby has Victoria’s genes but they are Kayla’s.
SEASON CLIFFHANGER – Victoria discovers her bodyguard Charles is the traitor who has given her passwords to Chinese hackers.
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Jack’s Five Seasons
What I learned form this assignment is that a writer must organize the plot over five seasons so the intrigue is kept high
Season 1: Character Arcs – Originally too busy to think of having children, Victoria and Kayla decide to have children with surrogate mothers and 3 children are born:
1. A boy later known as Python Jack – Victoria and Sir George’s biological son raised by Billy Osceola and this daughter Windy Moon in The Everglades (Modern-day Tarzan story)
2. A girl named Katherine, Kayla and Sir George’s biological daughter raised in England by Victoria’s parents
3. A girl later known as Dana The Celtic Princess – Kayla and Professor Matthews’ biological daughter with DNA from Bran The Blessed, raised by the professor and his daughter Bryony
Season
2: The 3 children born are raised
by parents not biologically related. The truth is unveiled at the end of
season 2, leaving all parties’ lives in emotional shamblesCharacter Arc’s – Victoria, the billionaire, loses her money and becomes a desperate gambler to avoid prosecution or worse. When confronted with the truth about her daughter, becomes revengeful and hateful toward Kayla, her former lover and client
Character Arc – Kayla, the confident lawyer, loses her litigation after being cursed by her opponent Adolpho Ramirez’s voodoo wife. When confronted with her betrayal of Victoria because she switched eggs, denies everything
Season
3: The real parents try to cope with loving the children they have raised
and negotiating involvement with their biological offspring, creating hatred,
conflict and negotiationsSeason
4: The children meet each otherSeason 5:
The children and their parents collide3. For each season, brainstorm the Building Blocks.
Season 1: (The eggs hatch)
A.
High Concept or major hook of the season.
– In the final episode, three women are
pregnant, have problems and fight with friends and family about personal
conflicts– the children are born, none of whom will grow up initially knowing
who they are–
Victoria’s hedge fund is hacked,– Victoria is betrayed by Kayla
– Kayla is cursed, her lawsuit is lost,
then settled– Billy Osceola is lied to by Kayla about
who the son is he will be raising– Santiago and Sir George successfully sell
Hitler’s genesB.
Big Picture Arc/Journey:
Nature vs Nurture – Kayla’s internal wound of
not knowing her father. Can she be a parent?– Victoria’s social disability
with menC.
Main Conflict:D.
Mystery/Open Loops: What will happen when the children are born?E.
Cliffhanger: The women have
problems in delivery, leaving the audience to wonder what will happenSeason 2 – Anti-parenting Victoria becomes doting parent – Kayla is jealous because beautiful Katherine is really Kayla’s child
– Victoria solves the mystery of who hacked her fund – betrayal of bodyguard Charles who sold password
– Kayla continues to lose on her lawsuit to save Everglades – considers taking it out on Sir George’s son Tarzan, but can’t tell Billy O – Internal Conflict
Season 3 – The offspring grow up – Irony – Hitler’s breed are softies, Victoria’s is a Tarzan-like son. Kayla’s girl raised by Victoria turns out to be perfectly adorable, making Kayla resentful. Victoria thinks Santiago is behind the hacking and theft of her funds, so she pretends to be a realtor and becomes involved with Santiago’s customers (white supremists) to spy on his Hitler DNA business
Irony – Victoria loses her money, her job, and must start over
Season 4 – The children meet each other, become involved – to dismay of parents who dislike each other
Season 5 – Cloning
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Jack’s Character Descriptions
MODULE 2 LESSON 2
What I learned from this assignment is I must have unusual, interesting, complicated characters with unusual goals
KAYLA
Role
in the show? ProtagonistNoteworthy
traits – smart lawyer, environmentalist
Intriguing
history: Has no connection to her white father, a NYC bankerIntrigue?
Mystery? – She seduces Victoria, learns of a life she knew nothing aboutHow
do they support or drive the conflict with others? – She switches her
frozen eggs with Victoria’sIrony
— She believes nurture, not nature, drives a person’s personality, yet
switches her frozen eggs with Victoria’s so she can have Victoria’s genes.Opposing
agendas/etc. She sues Adolpho Ramirez, the sugarcane king, for polluting
the Everglades, and Adolpho is represented by lawyer Sir GeorgeUnpredictable?
– She uses her sexuality to seduce both Victoria and Sir GeorgeIntriguing
relationship with one or more characters – She has an intriguing
relationship with both Victoria and Sir George, whom she seduced, but also
Billy Osceola, her Miccosukee Indian client who will raise the child of
Sir George and VictoriaKAYLA – START
An environmentalist lawyer who lives on a beautiful, remote beach that is part of Vero Beach, Florida’s turtle preserve, Kayla Hitch is a tall, mixed-race, athletic, sexual being who loves to gamble and uses her beauty and strong personality to seduce English hedge fund manager and international polo player Victoria Cromwell, then fly off with her to England on Victoria’s Lear Jet to engage in a life-changing weekend adventure where she participates in a Druid Samhain celebration at Stonehenge and then freezes her eggs, along with Victoria, for future fertilization.
Rejected as inferior by Victoria’s blue-blooded parents, Kayla switches her frozen eggs for Victoria’s as revenge and to prove her theory that nurture, not nature, is the determining factor of one’s personality.
KAYLA – MIDDLE
Kayla then seduces Sir George Townsend, Victoria’s intended, and uses his seed to fertilize Victoria’s eggs to create an embryo implanted in Windy Moon, the daughter of the Miccosukee Indian shaman, Billy Osceola. The tribe is Kayla’s client in a lawsuit against sugarcane king Adolpho Ramirez, who is defended by Sir George’s law firm. Adolpho’s Haitian wife, Sabrina, is a voodoo queen and places a curse on Kayla and Billy Osceola after he is arrested during a protest at the new Ramirez sugarcane plant.
KAYLA – END
The son born to Windy Moon and Billy Osceola is thought to be Kayla’s child, but she keeps them from discovering that he is really the biological son of Victoria and Sir George. He is raised in the Everglade and becomes a great python hunter and alligator wrestler (a modern-day Tarzan), but is most appreciated by the tribe for his ability to understand numbers and formulas, even as a youth, and assists the mangers of the tribe’s casino to run their business efficiently.
VICTORIA
Role
in the show? ProtagonistNoteworthy
traits – brilliant blockchain mathematician, manages some royal wealth
Intriguing
history: Plays polo, flies her own Lear JetIntrigue?
Mystery? – Not good with people, becomes unglued when she learns her child
is actually not hers biologicallyHow
do they support or drive the conflict with others? – She funds others
companies and makes investments that come with conditions the debtors don’t
like
Irony
— She believes in her blue blood, but raises a mixed-race child, not
knowing it isn’t hers.Opposing
agendas/etc. She fights hackers and thieves of her clients’ accountsUnpredictable? – Normally composed, She seeks revenge when she finds out about the switch.
VICTORIA – START
We are introduced to the short-in-size but tall-in-stature Victoria Cromwell as she pilots her Lear Jet into Vero Beach for a polo match in which she excels. She is a brilliant mathematician who manages a London hedge fund which invests some of the royal family’s wealth, but her brilliance is not matched with a personality of social skills. She has no time for incompetence or failure and has been paired by her parents with Sir George Townsend, who has the high-brow blood and background to produce children suitable to be brides or grooms to the royals.
VICTORIA – MIDDLE
Victoria’s hedge fund is hacked, and much of the money lost is from the royal account. In her quest to find and defeat the attackers, she uses her Argentinian polo captain Santiago Rodriguez, who clones polo ponies in his world class facility in Buenos Aires. He has been selling embryos and children with the DNA from Adolph Hitler’s granddaughter, Porshe, to white supremists in Florida. Victoria meets these people when she adds Americans farms with fresh water supply to her list of assets to be held in times of financial crisis. They, in turn, assist her with finding the hackers, who are Chinese.
VICTORIA – END
Victoria and her family raise Kayla’s and Billy Osceola’s biological daughter, Katherine, thinking it is hers and Sir George’s. Victoria’s life takes a shocking turn when she discovers the truth.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
Role
in the show? AntagonistNoteworthy
traits – world renown gene-editing scientist
Intriguing
history: Was involved with cloning Dolly the sheep in 1996Intrigue?
Mystery? – He is one of England’s head DruidsHow
do they support or drive the conflict with others? – He steals what he
thinks are Victoria’s eggs to create his own child
Irony
— He thinks he’ll have a son with Victoria’s genes but instead has a
daughter with Kayla’s.Opposing
agendas/etc. His professional competitor is Santiago, Victoria’s
Argentinian polo captain who clones polo ponies in his own gene editing
labUnpredictable?
– He must choose between his Druid religion and his family and business
Intriguing
relationship with one or more characters – He has a daughter with Kayla
but doesn’t know it, and upon discovery, must make interesting choicesPROFESSOR MATTHEWS – START
Formerly one of the scientists who cloned Dolly the sheep in 1996, Professor Matthews now runs a world-renown gene-editing and cryogenics lab in England and is one of the country’s head Druids. His company was funded by Victoria and his secret wish is to convince her to freeze her eggs in his facility so he can use them himself to create a son to be infused with the DNA of eighth-century English king Bran The Blessed, whose skull (which is the precursor to, and reason for, the pumpkins displayed during Halloween) has been handed down over 1500 years to end up in the hands of the professor.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS – MIDDLE
Because Kayla switches the eggs retrieved from her and Victoria, the professor actually uses Kayla’s eggs and his daughter Bryony as surrogate to create the child.
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS – END
The embryo is a female, not the intended male that the professor wanted, so he demands Bryony abort. Instead, she flees and has Dana, who, as a child prodigy, becomes Dana The Celtic Princess and has millions of social media followers.
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Jack’s Intriguing Concept
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of Concept and keeping the intrigue and interest high over the length of the series
Present your Concept.
A. Engaging and highly proactive heros…
1. ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER KAYLA HITCH WANTS TO SAVE THE EVERGLADES
2. HEDGE FUND MANAGER VICTORIA CROMWELL WANTS TO DEFEAT HACKERS AND A FINANCIAL CRASH
3. GENE EDITING SPECIALIST PROFESSOR MATTHEWS WANTS TO USE DNA FROM A 1500 YEAR OLD SKULL AND EDITED GENES TO CREATE A MAN
4. WHEN KAYLA’S AND VICTORIA’S FROZEN EGGS ARE SWITCHED, THREE CHILDREN GROW UP NOT KNOWING WHO THEY REALLY ARE
B. …up against a major conflict…
1. Kayla – Sugarcane polluter has Haitian Voodoo wife who places curse on her
2. Victoria – Hackers from foreign government steal Queen of England’s money
3. Professor Matthews – DNA extraction from bones has never been accomplished
4. The above characters go through emotional conflict because their children are not biologically who they, as parents, think
C. …goes on unique transformational journey
1. Kayla – Changes from defensive victim of prejudice and no father to proactive – switches eggs to prove her point about nurture vs nature in determining personality, then must live through the consequences
2. Victoria – Changes from powerful financier to victim mother, financial crash survivor
3. Professor Matthews – Changes from domineering professor to compassionate grandfather
4. Children of the above go on their own transformational journeys after learning who they really are
D. …Into an intriguing world.
1. Kayla – Enters world of Haitian voodoo as well as world of English royals
2. Victoria – Hacking, financial crashes, survival
3. Professor Matthews – Enters world of gene-editing, embryo enhancement, human cloning
4. Children of the above enter each others world after discovering who they really are
Tell us the World of this show.
Unique Sub-World
1. Kayla – Her antagonist is a Haitian Voodoo queen
2. Victoria – Financial survival of crashing economy
3. Professor Matthews – Celtic religion Previously unexplored:
4. The 3 Children of the above creating their own worlds within their parents
Previously unexplored
1. Kayla – Fighting voodoo
2. Victoria – How to survive a complete economic breakdown
3. Professor Matthews – Gene editing, embryo enhancement, DNA from skeletons
4. The 3 children of the above exploring two worlds: The one they grew up with and the one they were supposed to grow up with
The unknown:
1. Kayla – Voodoo
2. Victoria – Worst economic crash ever
3. Prof Matthews – Gene editing, embryo enhancement, DNA from skeletons
The unseen:
1. Kayla – A voodoo curse
2. Victoria – Not seeing the economic crash come
3. Professor Matthews – Not knowing what will happen with DNA from skeleton
Unheard of Dangers:
1. Kayla – voodoo curse
2. Victoria – Chinese government uses assassins to back up hackers
3. Prof Matthews – is secretly attacked for playing God
Reason to explore it:
1. Kayla – To find out how to beat the curse
2. Victoria – To find the enemy and plan to defeat them
3. Prof Matthews – To fend off people who want to know his business
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Jack has completed his BW Framework
What I learned from this assignment is by using the template I can easily compile the information necessary to outline and write the script and the pitch.
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Jack’s Intriguing Concept
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of Concept and keeping the intrigue and interest high over the length of the series
Present your Concept.
A. Engaging and highly proactive hero…
1. ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WANTS TO SAVE THE EVERGLADES
2. HEDGE FUND MANAGER WANTS TO DEFEAT THE HACKERS AND A FINANCIAL
CRASH3. GENE EDITING SPECIALIST WANTS TO USE DNA FROM A 1500 YEAR OLD SKULL AND EDIT GENES
4. THREE CHILDREN GROW UP NOT KNOWING WHO THEY REALLY ARE
B. …up against a major conflict…
1. Kayla – Sugarcane
polluter has Haitian Voodoo wife who places curse2. Victoria – Hackers are from Chinese government
3. Professor Matthews – DNA extraction from bones has never been
accomplished4. The above characters go through emotional conflict because their children are not biologically who the parents thought
C. …goes on unique transformational journey
1. Kayla – Changes from
defensive victim of prejudice and no father to proactive – switches eggs
to prove her point about nurture vs nature in determining personality2. Victoria – Changes from powerful financier to
victim mother, financial crash survivor3. Professor Matthews – Changes from domineering professor to compassionate
grandfather4. Children of the above go on their own transformational journeys after learning who they really are
D. …Into an intriguing world.
1. Kayla – Enters world of
Haitian voodoo as well as world of English royals2. Victoria – Hacking, financial crashes, survival
3. Professor Matthews – Enters
world of gene-editing, embryo enhancement, human cloning 4. Children of the above enter each others world after discovering who they really areTell us the World of this show.
Unique Sub-World
1. Kayla – Haitian Voodoo of antagonist
2. Victoria – Financial survival of crashing economy
3. Professor Matthews – Celtic religion
Previously unexplored:
4. The 3 Children of the above creating their own worlds within their parents
Previously unexplored
1. Kayla – Fighting voodoo
2. Victoria – How to survive
a complete economic breakdown3. Professor Matthews – Gene
editing, embryo enhancement, DNA from skeletons4. The 3 children of the above exploring two worlds: The one they grew up with and the one they were supposed to grow up with
The unknown:
1. Kayla – Voodoo
2. Victoria – Worst economic crash ever
3. Prof Matthews – Gene editing, embryo enhancement, DNA from
skeletonsThe unseen:
1. Kayla – A voodoo curse
2. Victoria – Not seeing the
economic crash come3. Professor Matthews – Not
knowing what will happen with DNA from skeletonUnheard of Dangers:
1. Kayla – voodoo curse
2. Victoria – Chinese government uses assassins to back up hackers
3. Prof Matthews – is secretly attacked for playing God
Reason to explore it: Many Unique and interesting worlds
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ASSIGNMENT 2:
What I learned from this assignment is that irony is something I need to plan for and establish before writing the script<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
IRONY IN MY SHOW CONCEIVED
1. Kayla, who has a gambling problem, believes the environment a child grows up in determines their personality and worth, rather than the child’s genes, and attempts to prove this by switching her eggs with royal-blooded Victoria’s, seducing Sir George for his seed, then having the child raised in the Everglades by the Miccosukee Indian Shaman Billy Osceola. Ironically, the blue-blooded young man, in addition to becoming a great alligator wrestler and python hunter, proves himself to be a mathematical genius like his mother and helps to run the tribe’s casino accounts, running into Kayla’s gambling debts.
2. Victoria, who seems to have everything, reveals herself to actually have depression problems because she is unable to relate to people
3. Kayla, who has a chip on her shoulder because her white father never married her black mother and was never involved in her life, discovers he has actually always been behind the scenes helping her while Victoria’s parents, whom Kayla thought were the reason Victoria was successful, only care about themselves
4. Sir George and Victoria, who want to create a child with blue-blooded genes that could be a match for someone in the royal family, unknowingly use Kayla’s eggs and therefore raise a daughter in England who is one-quarter black.
5. Santiago, who wants to sell embryos with Hitler’s DNA from Hitler’s granddaughter to white supremists in America, actually uses Kayla’s eggs instead of Victoria’s and ends up selling embryos with one quarter Kayla’s genes
6. Kayla switches her eggs with Victoria to prove her point but ends up not being able to know her own biological children.
7. Professor Matthews, a Druid and, because of his cryogenics lab, in charge of the 1500- year-old skull of Bran The Blessed, uses Bran’s DNA and the eggs he thinks are Victoria’s to create a blue-blooded son, but instead gets Dana the Celtic Princess who turns out to be a wonderful, tall, athletic beauty and singer who has millions of followers on social media.
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Jack’s Creating Irony
IRONY IN THE SHOW THE 100
After entering into a love relationship with Finn, Clarke discovers and saves Raven, who turns out to be Finn’s girlfriend from The Arc. Then, after Finn is stabbed, Clarke can only save him if Raven fixes the radio so Clarke can talk to her mother on The Arc about how to perform the surgery.
Bellamy teaches Charlotte how to use a knife to protect herself but she uses it to Kill Wells, the son of the Chancellor, doing, in her mind, what Bellamy told her to do, ”Slay your demons”
On The Arc, after turning
in her husband for planning to tell the people onboard the truth about how
much oxygen is available and how long they can last, thus causing her husband’s
execution, Abby then plays the video herself of her husband warning the population of The Arc. -
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create a list of layers that could exist for my show.
1. Brainstorm a list of possible PLOT layers.
PLOT LAYERS –
Major schemes revealed – Professor Matthews’
scheme to steal Victoria’s eggs is revealed as well as Kayla’s plan to
switch her eggs for Victoria’s, then seduce Sir George to receive his seed <div>Mystery revealed – The mystery of who
Kayla’s father is and what he doesThought the story was one thing, but
it is another – Professor Matthews thinks the eggs he steals are Victoria’s
but they’re Kayla’s. In later seasons, Victoria thinks the daughter she
raises in England is her biological child but she’s Kayla’s. Billy Osceola
thinks the son he raises in the Everglades is his biological son, but he is
Sir George’s.Hidden history – Kayla’s father hides his financial
corruption
Hidden plan – Kayla secretly switches
her eggs for Victoria’s. Professor Matthews secretly steals some of
Victoria’s eggs, but they are actually Kayla’s. Santiago, who is creating
the embryo of Victoria’s egg and Sir George’s seed, uses some of Victoria’s eggs for himselfMajor betrayal – Kayla betrays Victoria
by switching their eggs, then seducing Sir George2. Brainstorm a list of possible CHARACTER layers.
CHARACTER LAYERS –
Secret identity – Three children born
at the end of the first season will grow up not knowing who they really are.</div><div>1. Python Jack, the son of Sir George and Victoria, grows up as a
modern-day Tarzan in the Everglades, raised by Billy Osceola and his
daughter Windy Moon2. Dana, the daughter of Professor Matthews and Kayla (after Kayla
switches the eggs) becomes Dana the Celtic Princess with the DNA of Bran
The Blessed.3. Katherine, the daughter raised by Victoria’s parents in a royal-blooded fashion in
England is actually the biological daughter of half-black Kayla and Sir George
because of the egg switch.Character intrigue
1. Kayla – Because she is so
jealous, Kayla the lawyer steals Victoria’s eggs to prove her point that nurture
not nature shapes a person’s personality –(She switches her eggs with
Victoria’s at the cryogenics lab, then seduces Sir George providing a condom which she keeps).2. Bethina , Sugarcane King Adolpho
Ramirez’s Haitian wife is revealed to be a voodoo queen and places a curse
on Kayla and Billy Osceola for suing them to stop the sugarcane pollutionHidden relationships and conspiracies –
1. Kayla allows Billy Osceola to think Jack is his son, when really it is Sir George’s.
2. Santiago conspires with Sir George to sell embryos with the DNA of Adolf Hitler from his lab in Buenos Aires
Hidden Character History </div><div>
Kayla’s
father emerges in later episodes to conflict with Victoria’s hedge fund.
In addition, he thinks he is the grandfather of Kayla’s son Python Jack,
raised in the Everglades, but in reality has no blood relations because
Jack is really Victoria’s sonPlot Surface 1:
Layer 1: Victoria and Kayla freeze
their eggs for future fertilization </div>Layer 2: Kayla switches the eggs
<div>
Layer 3: Professor Matthews uses some
of the eggs he thinks are Victoria’sLayer 4: The professor adds the DNA of
Bran The Blessed to the embryoLayer 5. The child created by
Professor Matthews is a female instead of the intended male
Layer 6. Professor Matthews wants to
have his surrogate daughter abort the baby but she runs away and has DanaPlot Surface 2:
Layer 1: Kayla sues Adolpho Ramirez,
Sugarcane King, for polluting the Everglades</div><div>Layer 2: Billy Osceola is arrested at a
protest of a sugarcane plant openingLayer 3: Adolpho’s wife Bethina is a
voodoo queen and places curses on Kayla and Billy OsceolaLayer 4: The curse affects Billy and
Kayla’s relationshipPlot Surface 3:
Layer 1: Victoria’s hedge fund
controls some of the queen’s wealth </div><div>Layer 2: The fund is hacked
Layer 3: Victoria seeks U.S. farms
with fresh water as a hedge against chaosLayer 4: She buys farms from White
Supremists who buy Santiago’s embryos with Hitler’s DNA, thus connecting
themLayer 5: A financial panic sends the
price of the farms sky high but Victoria uses them for safety of her
daughter who meets Python Jack of the EvergladesCharacter Surface 1:
Layer 1: Jack is born in the Everglades
and raised by Billy Osceola and his daughter Windy Moon
Layer </div>2: Kayla allows Billy Osceola to
think he is the father, when Sir George is actually the father
Layer 3: Jack becomes a famous child
alligator wrestler and python hunterLayer 4: Kayla’s white father, a N.Y.
banker, loves the lilly-white Jack thinking he must have his white genes
more than Kayla’s mother’s. -
Jack’s Plot and Character Layers
Plot Layers in the show The 100:
Layer 1: Sabotage: When Raven successfully lands her craft on earth to find out what is happening and radio back to The Arc to let them know if it is safe or not, Bellamy sabotages her entire trip by smashing the radio.
Layer 2: Conspiracy: Diana and her group conspires to steal a launch and take the group to earth, leaving behind everyone else
Layer 3: Mystery: The mystery of what happened between the people on earth to have it destroyed and if the same thing will happen to the survivors.
Layer 4: Hidden Agenda: Diana joins the council onboard the Arc but has a hidden agenda of stealing a launch for her group.
Layer 5: Future Consequences: How the 100 act with their enemies, the Grounders, and the consequences of starting a war with them.
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What I learned from this assignment: I was impressed that the questions that affect the Big Picture Open Loops are so easily recognized in The 100 leading up to the season final episode.
Jack’s Big Picture Open Loops
ASSIGNMENT 1
In The 100, many of the questions that create big picture loops continue in Episode 10.
Regarding whether or not The 100 will survive on earth, new goals are presented when Raven has sex with grounder Lincoln and suggests there may be a way to peace. A meeting is set up on a bridge, but this goal is crushed when Jasper opens fire after seeing that the grounders have also brought back up forces.
On the Arc, regarding whether or not the population can get to earth, survive and repopulate, a new goal is established of taking a launch to earth with supplies for the 100. This goal is also crushed when Diana is revealed to be the leader of a mutiny who steals the launch, only to be destroyed when the parachutes don’t open and it crashes to earth, leaving the audience wondering if Abby was aboard and if the remaining people on the Arc can survive the power outage caused by the launch.
ASSIGNMENT 2
In my series CONCEIVED, the theme of nature versus nurture as the main component of personality is developed as four families are planned.
1. Victoria, the blue-blooded hedge fund manager, plans to combine her eggs with the seed of Sir George, another blue blood, to create a royal girl with the potential to marry into England’s royal family.
This Big Picture Goal is crushed when Kayla switches her eggs with Victoria’s.
2. Environmentalist lawyer Kayla, after switching her eggs with Victoria’s, plans to raise a son in the Everglades with Victoria as the biological mother and Miccosukee Indian Shaman Billy Osceola (her client) as the biological father (a modern-day Tarzan story).
This Big Picture Goal is threatened during the first season when Billy Osceola discovers the truth and realizes the biological mother is not Kayla, but Victoria. His daughter, Windy Moon, the surrogate, runs away to have the baby with the man she loves.
3. Professor Matthews, owner of the cryogenics lab which is funded by Victoria and used by her for storage of her eggs, intends to create a son with Victoria’s eggs and his seed, along with DNA from the 1500 year old skull of Bran The Blessed, a Celtic king.
This Big Picture Goal is crushed when Kayla switches the eggs so that the biological mother is her instead of Victoria and the resulting child is a girl instead of a boy. His daughter Bryony, the surrogate mother, runs away because Professor Matthews wants her to abort the girl and try again until they get a boy.
4. Santiago, the Argentinian polo champion who rides cloned polo ponies and is the captain of Victoria’s polo team, has a cloning lab in Buenos Aires where Sir George sends the eggs of Victoria to be matched with his seed. In addition to creating the embryo which is actually Kayla’s and Sir George’s child, (because of Kayla’s switch), he also uses what he thinks are Victoria’s eggs to create his own child with him as the father.
His plans change because he knows the Argentinian granddaughter of Adolf Hitler and he uses her DNA to sell embryos to Americans who want to raise children with Hitler’s DNA.
The first season ends with these four children born, and several years of intrigue can be established with Big Picture Loops that continue as the lives of the parents change when the truth of the children’s identities is revealed.
.
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Jack’s Show Mysteries
ASSIGNNMENT 1. Big Mysteries in The 100
1. Can earth be safely repopulated
2. Can the 2273 people on board the Arc make it to earth in pods only able to accommodate 700
ASSIGNMENT 2. BIG PICTURE MYSTERIES IN MY SHOW CONCEIVED –
1. Can Professor Matthews successfully extract DNA from a 1500 year old skull and use it to enhance an embryo?
2. Can humans be cloned?
PILOT BIG MYSTERY – SHOCKING EVENT – In the final scene of the Pilot, Professor Matthews reveals the actual head of Bran The Blessed and tells him he’s coming back to life
MID SEASON MYSTERIES – Cover ups, Secrets
1. Some of Victoria’s eggs are stolen by Professor Matthews, fertilized with his seed along with Bran The Blessed’s DNA – An embryo is formed and is implanted into Professor Matthews’ daughter Bryony
2. Thinking they are hers, Victoria uses Kayla’s eggs to be fertilized with Sir George’s seed and the embryo planted into one of Santiago’s Argentinian girls
3. More of Victoria’s eggs (switched by Kayla so she can use them to prove her nature/nuture point) are used by Kayla and fertilized with the seed of Billy Osceola and the embryo implanted in Billy’s daughter Windy Moon as surrogate
4. Unknown to Victoria, her eggs are also fertilized with Santiago’s seed and DNA from Hitler’s granddaughter Porshe and implanted in one of Santiago’s girls as surrogate
5. Santiago clones himself
What I learned from this assignment is to create the mysteries before you write the Pilot.
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Jack’s Show Empathy/Distress
In The 100, Season 1 Episode 6, empathy and distress come fast and often
UNDESERVED MISFORTUNE – In a flashback, Octavia is seen to be born on the Arc when that is unacceptable, and her mother is executed because of it. We have empathy for Octavia because she is not allowed out of her room her entire life until she is sent to earth with the 100. Bellamy is shown as a youth promising to take care of his sister and we see his FORCED DECISION when faced with losing his sister or killing the Commodore.
PLOT INTRUDING ON LIFE – Raven’s goal of contacting the earth but is thwarted because the radio transmitter is destroyed by Bellamy when he smashed the radio. In another instance, Bellamy’s goal of finding Octavia when she is captured by a Grounder is set back when Finn loses the trail, and then again when three in his party are killed.
MORAL DILEMMA – Clarke is only able to help Raven fix the radio if she exposes the secret shelter that only she and Finn know about, then confesses she had a sexual encounter with Finn but she didn’t know of Raven or that Finn had a girlfriend.
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What I learned from the assignment is that the Relationship Maps force you to consider all aspects of the characters’ relationships.
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Jack’s RELATIONSHIP MAP FOR SHOW CALLED CONCEIVED
VICTORIA’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH KAYLA
SURFACE – friend, Lover
COMMON GROUND – Both are professional women
CONFLICT – Kayla wants Victoria’s eggs to prove that nurture not nature is most important, and to raise a child with royal blood in the Everglades with the Miccosukee Indians (This ends up as a modern day Tarzan story through the seasons)
HISTORY – Friends, lovers
SUBTEXT – Kayla deceives Victoria by pretending to be her friend but she is really jealous
RELATIONSHIP ARC – Victoria begins as completely in control of Kayla, and in the end is shattered when she finds out her child is not royal blooded at all, but is one-quarter black because the eggs were switched with Kayla’s. Then she changes again when her love for the girl proves to be be a win for Victoria
VICTORIA’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH PROFESSOR MATTHEWS
SURFACE – The professor owns a cryogenics and gene editing lab financed by Victoria’s hedge fund –
COMMON GROUND – they both want the business to succeed
CONFLICT – Professor Matthews steals eggs from Victoria to have his own royal-blooded child
HISTORY – the professor has depended on funding from Victoria for his lab
SUBTEXT – the professor deceives Victoria about her eggs, knowing she is actually going to raise a child from Kayla’s eggs
RELATIONSHIP ARC – Their relationship goes from business associates to enemies
VICTORIA’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH SIR GEORGE
SURFACE – Parents of the child born with the help of a surrogate
COMMON GROUND – Both are English blue bloods
CONFLICT – When they find out their child born is not of royal blood, they have different opinions of what to do
HISTORY – Victoria followed George to Yale and was supposed to marry him, as was planned by their parents, but he cheated on her
SUBTEXT – Sir George uses Kayla’s lawsuit against his sugarcane growing clients as ammunition against Victoria when he wants to abandon emotional support for their child
RELATIONSHIP ARC – From College lovers to college enemies to business associates through Sir George’s law firm to enemies over the raising of their child who isn’t biologically related to them
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Jack’s Show’s Relationship Map
RELATIONSHIP MAP FOR THE 100
CLARKE’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH FINN
SURFACE – Friend, Lover
COMMON GROUND – Both in the 100
CONFLICT – After becoming lovers, Finns Girlfriend arrives on earth from The Arc
CONFLICT – Jealous of Finn’s girlfriend Raven
SUBTEXT – Clarke pretends she isn’t jealous
ARC – to be determined
CLARKE’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH BELLAMY
SURFACE – Competitor for Control of The 100
COMMON GROUND – one of The 100
CONFLICT – She wants the Arc to save them, He doesn’t want any contact with The Arc
SUBTEXT – She gains his respect when she compassionately kills his friend
ARC – to be determined
CLARKE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH ABBY
SURFACE – Mother
COMMON GROUND – Both want to save The Arc and The 100
SUBTEXT – Clarke tries to hurt her mother by destroying her wristband
ARC – to be determined
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Jack’s Show’s Relationship Map
Regarding The 100
CLARKE FINN BELLAMY ABBY
SURFACE Friends, then lovers Control competitor Mother
CONFLICT Finn’s girlfriend Raven Compete for Control Clarke mad at mom arrived from Arc of 100 for outing father
SUBTEXT Clarke pretends it doesn’t Clarke’s compassionate Clarke attempts to bother her that Raven has killing of wounded friend hurt mother by arrived shows her strength taking off wrist band
ARC To be determined
RELATIONSHIP MAP FOR CONCEIVED
VICTORIA KAYLA PROFESSOR MATTHEWS GEORGE
SURFACE Friend, lover business associate Lawyer Captain, friend
COMMON Both Professional Business interests Both English women
HISTORY New friend Old Business Assoiciate Lovers in College
CONFLICT Kayla wants Victoria’s Professor steals Victoria’s eggs to prove nature to gain her genes for his vs nurture argument own child and to raise a royal
SUBTEXT Kayla pretends she is Professor pretends he is George uses Victoria’s friend but friend but isn’t Victoria to win isn’t case against Kayla
ARC
Victoria begins Kayla begins as loyal Professor begins as loyal as someone in and turns traitor and turns traitor complete control then becomes helples
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In my pilot CONCEIVED, here are the main characters’ emotional profiles:
VICTORIA’S Emotions:
Hope – Her business succeeds, she stays on top, she has baby girl
Fear – She fears business failure, humiliation
Want – Power. She wants to succeed in society and polo, business, and have a baby by surrogate so she can continue her lifestyle
Need – she needs a friend, someone to have her emotional back
Base Negative Emotion – disconnect, withdraw into her safe world
Public Mask – She is in control, never shows emotion
Weaknesses – No friends, only associates
Triggers – incompetence, betrayal, (Her wound is being cheated on in college by Sir George)
Coping Mechanism – withdraw, return to her world where she rules
KAYLA’S Emotions
Hope – save the Everglades, have a child
Fear – She fears failure, socially and in business
Want – Power. Success in her law career, victory over the Sugar Cane King
Need – Acceptance, respect
Base Negative Emotion – attack, scheme, revenge
Weaknesses – Cares too much what people think of her
Triggers – disrespect, prejudice
PROFESSOR MATTHEWS’ Emotions
Hope – Bring back to life the genes of Bran The Blessed
Fear – plan or his beliefs fail
Want – fastidious, everything in order
Need – Prestige, Distinction, Power
Base Negative Emotion – disgust, rejection, scheme
Public Mask – I am correct
Weaknesses – Bad social skills
Triggers – mistakes
Coping Mechanism – I will fix it
SANTIAGO’S Emotions
Hope – His genes take over the world
Fear – His gene line will end
Want – My next woman
Need – A real partner
Base Negative Emotion – Disdain
Public Mask – I’m too good for you
Weaknesses – Overly optimistic of his abilities
Triggers – Any failure by his inside group of followers
Coping Mechanism –Sex
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What i learned from this assignment is that making a character profile chart and template for the emotions and character traits of my characters helps me organize the characters and their relationships.
FROM THE 100
CLARKE’S Character Emotions
Hope – Save the Arc as well as the 100 on the earth
Fear – Humans will be completely wiped out
Want – Someone to love who loves her
Need – survive
Base Neg Emotion – Terror
Mask – Hero
Weakness – Afraid she’ll make mistakes
Trigger – Infighting among the 100
Coping Mechanism – Do it herself
ABBY’S Character emotions
Hope – Save the Arc and the 100
Fear – Everyone will die
Want – Respect and love from daughter Clarke
Need – Save Clarke
Base Neg Emotion – Shame, Remorse
Mask – Always in control
Weakness – Afraid she’s been wrong the whole time
Trigger – Lies
Coping Mechanism – Bullies others into getting her way
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SHOW # 2 – CASTING CALL
Logline:When two sisters leave the farm for the dream of stardom in Los Angeles, the one with talent learns the stark reality of the fast lane and the one with reality is cast into a real-life role of revenge for her sister’s rape, then as a vigilante against child pornographers and sex traffickers.
Sisters Lyla and Sara Collins both have the same dream; to leave the farm outside of Des Moines, IA and make it in Hollywood. Unfortunately, their father wants them to stay and help with the workload so parental support is non-existent. Casting Call is the story of their transformative journey into the fast lanes of Los Angeles, culminating in life-changing events for both of them. Sara, the youngest, has rare talents; she can both sing and act, unlike her big sister, who has her own way of getting into show business as a rough and tumble stunt woman. Being new to the big city and unaware that casting calls can sometimes be more like the cattle calls of home, Sara is tricked by the advertising of the antagonist who runs a company that puts out bogus casting calls to get girls interested in non-existing parts. The company then sells zoom calls with the girls to their male customers who pretend to be in the entertainment business. Sara responds to one of these fake casting calls and falls for the overtures of the man on the other end of the zoom call. She is raped.
After the police and the lawyers have failed, and reluctant to tell her father, who told them not to come to L.A, Lyla comes for revenge with the help of a rape counseling center. She concocts her own scheme to get into the offices of the casting company and kill the men responsible for ruining the hopes of many girls like Sara. Unknown to Lyla, however, is that she is actually being cast to play a real-life role, to be a warrior in the war against sex traffickers and child pornographers.
INTRIGUING CHARACTERS
What makes a lead character engaging on multiple levels?
SARA –
A.
Role in the show: Talented actor from Iowa who moves to L.A. to become an
actress, but becomes a victim, then a Ghislaine Maxwell
type of confidant for Faheed, a rich Saudi Oil man.<div><div>B.
Unique Purpose / Expertise: – Sara can sing, dance and act. She learns the
art of bringing in girls to Faheed for his and his friends’ pleasure.C.
Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? She will do ANYTHING to
succeedD.
Moral Issue: What moral boundaries des she cross? She betrays her sister
and familyE.
Unpredictable: We don’t know to what lengths Sara will go to make it as a
star – She is unpredictable because
she is a fish out of water, stepping into new territory, dealing with
issues she’s never dealt with before. She makes huge mistakes, reacts
emotionally, is confused, then chooses the wrong path.F.
Empathetic: Why do we care? – We feel sorry for her, but also disappointed
and want her to failWound
– she is tricked by Jeb’s fake casting call and rapedSecrets
– she goes over to the other side to help sex traffickersHidden
agenda – she’ll do anything to become a famous starCompetition
– she wants to out do her sisterConspiracy She conspires with Faheed
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LYLA
A.
Role in the show: The Protagonist, Iowa farm girl who comes to L.A. to protect
her sister </div><div>B.
Unique Purpose / Expertise: Stunt woman and fighting skills – skilled auto
and farm equipment mechanicC.
Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? She wants to become a star,
tooD.
Moral Issue: What moral boundaries does she cross? – VigilanteE.
Unpredictable: What will she do next? – She is unpredictable because she,
like her sister, is a fish out of water, stepping into new territory, dealing
with issues she’s never dealt with before. She makes mistakes, reacts
emotionally, is confused, then chooses a new path – revenge. We are not
sure how far Lyla will go to get even with those who have taken advantage
of womenF.
Empathetic: Why do we care? Lyla is a heroWound
– she isn’t sexy like her sisterSecrets
– she tracks down sex traffickers and child pornographersHidden
agenda – she wants to become a stunt womanCompetition
– she competes with friend Hunter in Stunt workSecret
identity – she pretends to be someone else to defeat
the child pornographers– and sex traffickersConspiracy – she conspires with the unknown Owner (a person similar to Charley in Charley’s Angels) of a woman’s clinic to defeat the weekly antagonists
who traffick women or engage in child pornographyHUNTER
A.
Role in the show: Owner of a store for adventurers. Falls for Lyla, teaches her the L.A. scene</div><div>B.
Unique Purpose / Expertise: Skilled
Stunt manC.
Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? – Comes from an is extremely wealthy _familyD.
Moral Issue: What moral boundaries doe he cross? Helps vigilante LylaE.
Unpredictable: What will he do next? He’ll do anything to win Lyla over,
including breaking the lawF.
Empathetic: Why do we care? This is a good guy – doesn’t take advantage of
Lyla when he could have, helps her get the bad guys.Wound
– fired as stunt manCompetition
– competes with Lyla in stunt workMoral
issues – He works with Vigilante LylaSecret
Identity – he poses as others to help LylaHidden
Agenda – He wants LylaJEB
A. Role in the show: Antagonist – clever, cunning businessman who know how to prey on women’s emotions and dreams for his own sexual and monetary benefit. He runs a casting
agencyUnique Purpose / Expertise: Zoom Meeting Expert,
Casting DirectorIntrigue: What is secret beneath the
surface? He tricks ladies into trying out for non existant rolesEmpathetic: Why do we care? We want the
bad guy caught and exposedMoral
issues – He cons women into trying out for non-existent rolesHidden
Agenda – He actually is a casting director, but also runs his conBO
Role
in the show: Antagonist – owner of a famous L.A. night club where Jeb’s zoom
customers meet their unsuspecting prey</div><div>Unique Purpose / Expertise: Businessman with connections to politicians, movie stars, Cartel
Intrigue:
What is secret beneath the surface? He also trafficks young illegal
immigrants </div><div>Moral
Issue: Political favors for introductions to women,Child porn, sex
trafficking, Unpredictable:
What will he do next? Whatever it is, it’ll be badEmpathetic: Why do we care? Need to put guys like him in prison for good
Hidden
Agenda – He poses as a legitimate night club owner
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Lesson 4. Intriguing Character Layers: What I learned from this assignment is that each episode must create intrigue using the outlined methods: secrets, secret identities, deception, conspiracy, competition, wounds, and hidden agendas.
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ASSIGNMENT 2
In my pilot episode of Conceived, We meet the main protagonists, Victoria Cromwell, the jet-setting English hedge fund manager and her new friend Kayla Hitch, the American environmental lawyer. They both have intriguing lives because of their work, but also have characteristics that increase their intrigue and help make the series binge worthy.
In the case of Victoria, she plays international polo, is a jet pilot and understands blockchain as a mathematician. At then end of the pilot episode we see that emotionally she is vulnerable and unsure of herself with relationships that have meaning because of a wound left by Sir George when he mercilessly cheated on her in college. This kink in her armor offers intriguing drama possibilities.
Kayla, on the other hand, is totally sure of herself in her hometown, socially and physically, but has emotional wounds from her father and feels racially discriminated against when she visits England. She becomes more intriguing when it is revealed that she secretly wants Victoria’s child for herself, to be raised in the Everglades by the biological father, her client Billy Osceola, to prove her point that personality is determined by environment, not blood line. This opens up a modern-day Tarzan story, with Victoria’s son raised in the Everglades as an alligator wrestler and master python hunter.
Victoria believes her child to be hers with Sir George, her intended spouse, but because Kayla switches the eggs, the child raised in England in royal fashion is actually Kayla’s, and thus one-quarter black.
Santiago, the Argentinian grandson of a Nazi who escaped Germany in 1945, offers an intriguing look into cloning through his lab in Buenos Aires where he clones his polo ponies. Secretly he also clones race horses illegally, which adds intrigue, and he contracts with Sir George to represent his interests in America when he secretly sells embryos from his lab that contain the DNA of Hitler’s Argentinian granddaughter, Porshe.
Therefore the use of secret identities, even unknown to the parents and children themselves, the conspiracy between Sir George and Santiago to sell Hitler’s DNA, the deception of Professor Matthews in stealing Victoria’s frozen eggs from his cryogenics lab, and the hidden agenda of Kayla to prove her point regarding nature versus nurture all combine to increase the intrigue of this series.
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LESSON 4 ASSIGNMENT 1
In Episode 4 of The 100, Main Character Clarke displays deception, and thus intrigue, when she discovers it was her mother who caused the death of her father, not Wells, her childhood friend. She takes off her wristband to trick her mother into thinking she is dead, thus hurting her to get even for her mother causing her husband’s death.
Meanwhile, on the Arc, Clarke’s mother Abbey, also a Main Character, who is shocked by Clarke’s wristband termination, also displays deception and thus intrigue when she deceives the captain, Kane, by lying to him about the real reason she has been going below. In truth it was to prepare to launch to earth, but she says it was to check on bacteria.
In this episode we also learn that Raven, who was introduced in episode 2 as an engineer who would help Abby repair an old transport so they can launch it and travel to earth to find the truth of what has happened to the 100, is Wells’ girlfriend. At the end of episode 4, Clarke and Wells find an underground shelter and have sex, making the audience wonder what is going to happen when Raven arrives.
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Jack Sherry
I’ve written 7+ scripts and have produced four shows that aired on Discovery (Wild Destinations Belize, Wild Destinations Costa Rica, Treasures of the Maravilla, and Burnelli: The Greatest Story in Aviation History). I also am Associate Producer of The Life and Times of Bobby Jones, which was independently produced and aired on CBS.
I looking to improve my scripts and pilots to the point they get produced, and am interested in writing a pilot for a new season of Ted Lasso.
I’m a retired lawyer.
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Great ending. This scene would be good for a proof of concept script
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In the opening scene, you don’t screw a hubcap back on, especially with a wrench. Might be funny for him to realize that.
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Jalynn, thanks for your comments. I will use your suggestions! Very helpful.
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I’d like to exchange scripts. Please advise.