Jack Young
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Jack Young
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Hi, everyone. My name is Jack Young. I’ve written over 40 screenplays and have been writing for a while. I also have done film production (Indie) and wrote/produced a short film and two features (One a romcom and one a horror). I also have written a couple of books on writing screenplays and film production and operated my own film school (here in Omaha) for a couple of years teaching screenwriting and film production. Now I just write and am hoping to hone my skills a little better with this class.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that we must have some good hooks embedded in our synopsis. I always fear I’m not conveying the essence of my stories when writing a synopsis, so I really hate them. Hopefully I’m learning how to improve my synopsis writing.
Jack Young’s Query Letter for “STREAM”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he just ended an affair with his secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic. The Professor and his team have developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having his heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
Comparisons: Think “Children of Men” meets “Star Gate” meets “Flatliners”
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema. I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mulraine of New York, NY and worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s difficult to write good query letters. We must have some good hooks to pull the reader in and be sold on the concept.
Jack Young’s Synopsis Hooks & Draft:
HOOKS:
1- We have a world-wide epidemic. If that’s not bad enough, the only way to stop it is to die.
2 – Michael wants to be a good husband and father but has done everything possible just the opposite.
3 – Michael has the option of dying of cancer (in a matter of days) or giving up his life willingly to try and stop the stream which is thought to cause the no-birth crisis.
“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael.
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines worsen. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having your heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy, released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema (Both Streaming on Amazon Prime Video, Tubi, Popsy on Plex, and Xumo). I am author of the screenwriting book, “How to Write a Screenplay in 3 Days: The Marathon Method” (Available on Amazon) I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mularine of New York, NY. I worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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What I learned today is that pitching producers or managers takes some thought and planning to make sure our goals align with their goals.
Jack Young’s Producer/Manager:
How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?
Clearly, the project I’m pitching needs to be in align with the type of projects (films) they have been producing. Since the projects I’m working and pitching are scifi TV shows for streaming, I would pitch producers who are developing or producing these.
How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?
So, I already have a manager (Hakim Mulraine, NY) and have had him for a few years. I sold him on one project that almost went into production and had some A-list actors involved. Unfortunately, there was disagreements on the director and it soon fell apart. My manager did get me a paid gig doing a rewrite of a book adaptation. The project is still looking for funding. With many of his clients (he represents actor, musicians, writers, etc) being African American, he’s constantly looking for diverse screenplays. The project that he was promoting for me (“For The Girls”) was a dramedy with a black female lead. I am currently in the process of pitching some of my current projects but haven’t got any movement. We’ve discussed me getting an agent to help promote many of the screenplays that I have written.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that query letters are more than us just telling someone else what were writing, it’s a sales job to a potential producer/manager/agent.
Jack Young’s Query Letter Draft ONE for “STREAM” and Draft TWO
OLD VERSION BEFORE CRITIQUE:
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“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael.
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines worsen. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having your heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy, released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema (Both Streaming on Amazon Prime Video, Tubi, Popsy on Plex, and Xumo). I am author of the screenwriting book, “How to Write a Screenplay in 3 Days: The Marathon Method” (Available on Amazon) I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mularine of New York, NY. I worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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CRITIQUE FROM MADELEINE:
Hi, Jack—
I’ve read over your query letter.
You’ve done a pretty good job, but I do have a few suggestions to make it better. Here they are:
– In paragraph #2, “he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work,” corresponds to what you said in your TV Pitch Bible, but it doesn’t really show up that way in the pilot. The pilot shows that they already have broken up. There’s quite a bit of bitterness there. I suggest you revise the pilot to reflect what you say in the pitch bible and query letter or vice versa.
– At the end of paragraph #2, insert, “It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened.
– In paragrqph #3, eliminate “as his terrible migraines worsen.”
– In paragraph #4, change “the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method” to this: “the Professor and his team have developed a method.”
– In paragraph #5, change “your heart” to “his heart”.
– In the BIO paragraph, eliminate the comma between “comedy” and “released.”
– In the Bio paragraph, insert a period after “Amazon)”.
– In the BIo paragraph, put “I am currently managed by Hakim Mularine of New York, NY.” at the end of the paragraph. This means you’ll need to group the screenplays you’ve written together. (No Action)
I hope what I’ve suggested makes some sense to you.
In any case, take what you like and toss the rest.
All the best,
Madeleine
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NEW VERSION AFTER CRITIQUE:
“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he just ended an affair with his secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic. The Professor and his team have developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having his heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
Comparisons: Think “Star Gate” meets “Flatliners”
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema. I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mulraine of New York, NY and worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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I have not been asked to review any other students query letter at this time.
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ASSIGNMENT:
What I learned from this lesson is that marketing is a lot of being in this business.
Title: Jack Young’s Phone Pitch for “STREAM” and “RocketMen”
Write out your phone pitch along with answers to the questions.
Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
Lead with credibility.
Screenwriter who has written over 40 screenplays and filmmaker with two feature films streaming on Amazon Prime who has had a paid rewrite assignment and is professionally represented by a manager in New York.
Lead with a great title.
PITCH# 1: “STREAM”
PITCH# 2: “ROCKETMEN”
Lead with a strong business hook.
STREAM Comparisons: Think “Star Gate” meets “Flatliners”
ROCKETMEN brings back the nostalgia of Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon onto the screen and does for Scifi what Indiana Jones did for action adventure films.
Lead with a High Concept.
STREAM: A man must die and enter a strange energy stream to save mankind.
OR:
A man must die to take a journey to the other side to stop a worldwide no-birth epidemic.
ROCKETMEN: A young jet jockey is selected to pilot an experimental spaceship in 1949 to investigate an alien spacecraft. When the aliens destroy the planet, he is thrust into the future and must find a way to undo events and save mankind.
2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:
What’s the budget range?
PITCH# 1: 6-10 Million per episode
PITCH# 2: 3-6 Million per episode
Who do you see in the main roles?
How many pages is the script? Pilot is 60 pages. Episodes are 50 – 60 pages
Who else has seen this? My manager.
Why do you think this fits our company? Pitching original and unique sci-fi/fantasy series unlike anything on TV.
How does the movie end? Not pitching movies. Pitching TV series. One series has 5 seasons and the other 3 seasons. Each episode and each season has an ending.
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Jack Young’s Pitch Fest Pitch
1. Tell us your credibility.
Screenwriter who has written over 40 screenplays and filmmaker with two feature films streaming on Amazon Prime who has had a paid rewrite assignment and is professionally represented by a manager in New York, previously represented by agent.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
GENRE: Sci-fi/fantasy TITLE: “STREAM”
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
A married man must die to enter a strange energy stream to save his family and mankind.
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
What is the budget range? 10 – 15 Million per episode (Average)
What actors do you like for the lead roles? None at this time
Give me the acts of the story: (Acts of the Pilot Episode)
Act 1: The hero’s ordinary world. Here we find Michael grown up and a family man with a wife (Diane) and a son (Nick) and get a glimpse of his ordinary life. He’s living in a world of dangerous rioters and a no-birth crisis that is ravaging the world. He works a bank in the Foreclosure Department with Kristy, the woman with whom he’s been cheating on his wife. At work, he witnesses an old woman commit suicide in his office because her house is being foreclosed. The police respond to the incident as if there’s an active shooter. When they find out that it was just some “old lady that went nuts”, they pack up and leave. This is the kind of world Michael lives in.
Act 2: After Michael discovers that he’s lost all his money in a stock deal gone bad, he retreats to a local bar. Kristy arrives to bring bad news that he’s fired and the FBI is on the way to arrest him. During the arrest by the FBI, he has a stroke. At the hospital, he finds out he’s dying from brain cancer. While in the hospital, he sees a TV broadcast of an interview with Professor Albert Darlington, who believes the world’s no-birth crisis is due to an anomaly in the Astral Realm, where souls are being hijacked. He needs someone to volunteer to go into the “Stream and shut it down.” Leaving the hospital, Diane sees Michael’s obituary in a newspaper blowing in the wind. Michael insists he needs to find Professor Darlington. Michael, Diane, and son, Nick, travel to the professor’s house in Iowa because Michael is convinced that “something or someone” wants him to. Through meditation led by Professor Darlington, the professor, Michael, and Diane enter the Astral Plane where they see other astral bodies being sucked ibto the mysterious “Stream”. Diane almost gets trapped in the “Stream” but is saved in time by Michael and the professor. Michael must decide whether to enter the stream. The problem is Michael will have to die to enter the stream.
Act 3: Reeling from the change. Diane fights the idea of Michael dying to enter the stream. She wants out of the professor’s mansion now, but a storm prevents them from leaving. That night in bed at the professor’s mansion, Michael has a vision of Jimmy and is transported to Afghanistan where Jimmy was a soldier. Jimmy knows about the professor and the battle Michael will need to win. Out of the vision, Michael believes entering the stream is something he must do. Diane fights the program. She doesn’t even know the worst yet. Even if Michael dies and enters the stream, there’s no guarantee, he can come back.
Act 4: Consequences/Fallout/Major expression of conflict. Michael decides to accept the mission. He bids a heart-wrenching farewell to Diane and Nick. Michael and Diane meet the Astral Team then get a look at the pod that will house Michael’s earthly body while his Astral body enters the Stream. Michael puts on his Astral suit in preparation to enter the pod and have his heart stopped. Diane bids him farewell, “Come back to Nick and me.”
Act 5: Cliff Hanger/They are on the journey. The hibernation pod closes and the mission begins. The countdown starts from 10 down. Diane panics because she didn’t forgive Michael before he went into the pod. But it’s too late. Michael’s heart stops, and he enters the hereafter.
How does it end? (setup / payoff). The first season ends with Michael’s realization that the Stream is not the problem, but only a symptom of the real danger; the lifting of the sacred seals and the unleashing of an unimaginable evil.
Credibility questions What have you done?: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema. I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mulraine of New York, NY and worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that we must have some good hooks embedded in our synopsis. I always fear I’m not conveying the essence of my stories when writing a synopsis, so I really hate them. Hopefully I’m learning how to improve my synopsis writing.
Jack Young’s Synopsis Hooks for “STREAM”
HOOKS:
1- We have a world-wide epidemic. If that’s not bad enough, the only way to stop it is to die.
2 – Michael wants to be a good husband and father but has done everything possible just the opposite.
3 – Michael has the option of dying of cancer (in a matter of days) or giving up his life willingly to try and stop the stream which is thought to cause the no-birth crisis.
“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he just ended an affair with his secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic. The Professor and his team have developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having his heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
Comparisons: Think “Star Gate” meets “Flatliners”
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema. I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mulraine of New York, NY and worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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Jack Young’s Marketable Components of “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that marketing seems to be everything with getting our concept into production. It requires a shift in focus for us writers and a little bit of a learning curve in how we look at this process.
Logline.
“A man in crisis and having family and legal issues must die to enter a mysterious energy stream to save his family and mankind.”
A. Unique. The audience takes a journey beyond death into the hereafter. We introduce the concept of “Skins” whereas someone has discovered the process of capturing the human soul and encasing it in an artificial skin.
B. Great Title: Currently doesn’t have a great title “STREAM” May need a title change.
C. True. N/A
D. Timely — connected to some major trend or event. An epidemic like the Covid but affecting births.
E. It’s a first. The world of the hereafter and astral travel hasn’t been explored to this detail before.
F. Ultimate. The world is experiencing a no-birth crisis and man is on the verge of extinction.
G. Wide audience appeal. TV shows that fall into a category of being within the sci-fi genre have proven to be quite popular and ever-growing when it comes to the target audience and demographic that find themselves drawn to and hooked in by it.
H. Adapted from a popular book. N/A
I. Similarity to a box-office success. Similarities to “Flatliners” and “Star Gate” whereas the story centers of astral travel to other worlds and devices that transport humans across the universe.
J. A great role for a bankable actor. Juicy roles for characters of:
Michael – A man in crisis and having family and legal issues that is our reluctant hero.
Diane – Michael’s wife who is wearing blinders in order to save her family from destruction but is a lot stronger and braver that even she knows.
Cronus – a juicy antagonist role. He’s part human/part alien/part evil. He’s complex yet hounded by his human weaknesses.
Components of Marketability that have the most potential for selling this script:
Uniqueness of the story. No zombies, no superheroes, but new and strange worlds with aliens, demons, angels, and sorcerers on a collision course.
Wide Audience Appeal. Right now, sci-fi and fantasy shows are popular on many streaming platforms.
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What I learned doing this assignment is we, as storytellers, love to tell our stories our way, but we also need to realize that television and film production is a business and we need to consider ways to bring commercial value to them by making them as interesting as we can so that viewers as well as producers are intrigued and caught up in our stories.
STREAM’S 10 Most Interesting Things:
A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?
Cronus, although as evil as they come, is still part human and therefore has the same weaknesses and crutches that humans have. While Michael is the most reluctant hero ever, having only thought about himself and his getting ahead during the worst epidemic or crisis to ever strike mankind, he still makes the right decision to sacrifice himself for the sake of his family.
B. Major hook of your opening scene?
Michael has seen our future and it includes aliens, sorcerers, war, and a mysterious seal.
C. Any turning points?
Michael must consent to dying to enter the mysterious Stream to save mankind.
The government initially thought the Professor was a nut, but after an investigation, have determined he is on to something. They assign the job to Homeland Security, in a surprise move, to send their own team into the stream to shut it down.
D. Emotional dilemma?
Michael can either wait out his death from brain cancer or commit to dying by electric shock.
Michael’s wife Diane, knows that Michael believes he must die to help end the no-birth crisis and knows that Michael wants her forgiveness for the mess he’s made on their lives, but she forgets to forgive him before he dies.
E. Major twists?
When Michael dies and finds himself on a mysterious planet run by Cronus, he has a mission to shut down the Stream to save mankind, but realizes soon after that a bigger problem has arose. The whole effort on the plant is for one purpose…to raise the seals and unleash the power that lay underneath. What lay underneath is a more substantial problem in that it could affect not only man but the entire universe.
F. Reversals?
The government reverses its approach to the no-birth crisis, now believing the Professor’s theory and taking action on it.
G. Character betrayals?
In the beginning, Michael has betrayed his wife with an affair. Also, his wife has betrayed Michael by not telling him about the truth with Jimmy and her involvement, instead letting Michael live with the guilt.
Later, on the planet of seals, a human betrays the other humans by helping Cronus to build a steel support system to raise the seals after the opposition underground destroys the wooden structure being used to raise the seals.
H. Or any big surprises?
When the human that betrayed the underground by showing Cronus how to raise the seals gets his wish….death, he secretly passes key information about Cronus’ operation to the underground to help in their fight against Cronus.
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.
The story is expansive enough to cover 5 seasons.
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What I learned today is that we must create a “product” that will draw viewers in season after season to be profitable.
Title: STREAM Project for Cable and Network TV, Streaming Platforms (Netflix, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Hulu, etc.
GENRE: Sci-Fi
TITLE: STREAM
CONCEPT: A man must die to enter a mysterious energy stream to save his family and mankind.
STREAM is an original and unique concept. Viewers will be intrigued with the other worlds never seen before and includes fan favorites in the sci-fi/fantasy world such as aliens, sorcerers, zombies, demons, and ghosts.
The pitch will target small to medium producers who produce or co-produce products for streaming services either on cable or TV.
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Any members available to review/critique other members pilot/TV Bible? I’ve completed both and I am looking for reviewers. If you are interested, please comment here or email me at jackyoung1981@cox.net Thanks.
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Jack Young Finished Wordsmithing for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is editing is never ending. The technique of reading it backwards seems to find a lot of it and to have others read it will find them as well.
I used these six steps to edit my pilot:
Test Every Line
Check for Tone
Improve Key Words
Eliminate Distractions
Read It Backwards
Final Check
NOTE:
I just wanted to take a moment to say that I’d glad that Hal made us do all of the things that sometimes he were hesitating or didn’t want to do. I believe that it did bring up my level of writing and I love the final product I’m seeing (Pilot). I’ll be posting the final lesson for this module soon. Thanks Hal.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
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Jack Young Has Amazing Description! for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that sometimes it does help to add a “action/Internal” process in the description. Previously in writing scripts I think I probably overdid this process. I’ve cut back quite a bit and I believe that’s an improvement in my writing.
Here are 3 examples. I feel it adds more emphasis on the situation in the scene.
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Although the following description “That hit home” isn’t something that is considered an action but more internal, by Michael’s reaction of stopping trying to get the remote, it signals how her words did “hit home”:
Michael reaches behind her back, trying to grab it.
DIANE
So what do we tell him? That
everything is fine? Lie to him?
Like you lie to me?
Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.
NICK
Mommy, what did daddy lie
about?
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In the following description, Mrs. Wakowski had been going on and on about her dead husband and Michael was trying to reel her back to the reality of the situation. Although someone being “pulled back to reality” is an internal action, her actions of stopping and then taking out a Kleenex signifies that she’s been pulled back to reality:
Michael puts the paperwork back into the envelope.
MICHAEL
Mrs. Wakowski?
Mrs. Wakowski is pulled back to reality and is slightly embarrassed she went off on a tangent. She takes a Kleenex from her purse and wipes the sweat from her forehead.
MRS. WAKOWSKI
Yes?
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In the following example, Jimmy, a drug addict, hits his brother, Michael, up for some drug money. Michael is uncomfortable with it. The action is that he runs his hand through his hair. It’s followed by an internal feeling that Michael has, “He knows where this is going.”:
JIMMY
I hate to ask, bro, but I need
a little cash.
Michael stands up and runs his hands through his hair. He knows where this is going.
MICHAEL
You know how I feel about this
stuff.
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Originally, I conceived of ways that Michael’s wife discovered or was told that her husband was having an affair. However, when outlining and writing the scenes, I decided that she was a smart woman and knew of the affair. It worked out better if she bantered back and forth her husband dancing around the truth. She uses her son to make him feel guilty and press the issue.
EXAMPLE 1:
Michael realizes that Nick is engrossed in it as he enjoys his morning cereal.
MICHAEL
You really think that’s appropriate
for a five year old? Turn it.
Michael moves to grab the remote that lies on the kitchen countertop but Diane snatches it before he can.
DIANE
It’s how the world is now. He
should know.
Michael rounds the counter to get the remote. Diane hides it behind his back as he reaches for it.
MICHAEL
He doesn’t need to know right
now.
Michael reaches behind her back, trying to grab it.
DIANE
So what do we tell him? That
everything is fine? Lie to him?
Like you lie to me?
Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.
NICK
Mommy, what did daddy lie
about?
Diane ignores Nick’s question and just stares at Michael. Michael doesn’t move, just returns her stare. After a moment…
DIANE
Ask your daddy.
NICK
Daddy, what did you lie about?
In the following example, the banter between Kristy and Michael exposes their relationship and how she’s betrayed Michael at work and really feels about their relationship.
EXAMPLE 2:
She sits anyway. Michael stares at the box on top of his car while he takes a gulp of his drink.
KRISTY
I brought your things from the
office. I took out the office
supplies.
Michael stares at the box as he finishes his drink.
KRISTY
Mr. Hildegraf was pissed about
the incident in the office. He
felt that it could have been
handled better.
MICHAEL
Let me guess, he made you the
new manager of the department.
KRISTY
Starting tomorrow morning…and
I plan to run it a lot more
efficiently.
MICHAEL
I’m sure you will. Before you
know it, there won’t be anyone
you haven’t thrown out of their
home.
KRISTY
What’s that supposed to mean?
MICHAEL
Nothing. I’m glad it’s you now.
I’m tired of being the one.
KRISTY
The one? The one?! You were
never the one. All you did was
sign paperwork. I was the one
that setup all the paperwork
so the board could approve it.
I made the bank millions. Me,
not you. I found a way to get
more repos than the bank could
ever have imagined. I grew that
department, not you.
Michael gives her a look of disgust.
MICHAEL
They’re not numbers, they’re
people. Hard working and good
people.
KRISTY
Give me a fucking break. They
didn’t pay, so we foreclosed.
MICHAEL
Yeah, with a little help from you
fudging numbers. That’s a crime,
you know.
Kristy glances at her watch.
KRISTY
Speaking of crimes, the FBI showed
up after you left with a warrant
for your arrest. They were delighted
when I informed them that your
favorite hangout was just down the
street. They should be here any
minute, sweetie.
MICHAEL
I don’t know what I ever saw in
you.
KRISTY
I tell you what you saw, an easy
bang. Something on the side
because your wife wouldn’t have
sex with you after she realized
what a loser you are.
Outside the lounger several black cars with tinted windows, pull up and park. Kristy notices.
KRISTY
Right on time. Looks like your
day is about to get a lot worse.
The banter between Michael’s mistress and Michael’s wife, Diane, shows the determination of Michael’s wife even though the marriage is in trouble.
EXAMPLE 3:
As Kristy turns and starts to walk away, Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.
KRISTY
Hey, lady, what’s your problem?!
DIANE
I’m not a fuckin’ lady. I’m his
wife.
KRISTY
Oh.
Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.
DIANE
I know that perfume. I’ve
smelled it on his clothes at
least five times. That equals
five times you’ve slept with my
husband, slut.
KRISTY
It’s six. But who’s counting?
Diane slaps her hard.
DIANE
I am, bitch!
Diane turns and rushes out of the lounge as the ambulance, with its lights on, pulls away.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
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Jack Young Has Great Introductions! for “STREAM”
I learned doing this assignment is to not to spend too much time trying to physically describe them, but to try and reveal their character through their actions and how they look at things.
For Michael, I introduce him at work where he’s foreclosing on homes of the elderly. He comes across as empathetic although his hands are tied. We also find out that he’s been having an affair but later find out that he used the affair as a crutch to deal with his brother’s death. My characters get revealed during the telling of the story.
For me, what worked introducing characters is to throw them in the fire (C: Put them in action) and to have them interact with each other (D: Relationship).
C. Put them in action. Use the action to give a light physical description.
D. Show relationship to another character.
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Jack Young’s Description 1! for “STREAM”
So this is Michael’s vision of another world. I wanted to be able to give the reader imagery that captures the world that Michael is heading for. Originally, the paragraphs of description created way too many images for the reader to hold onto and it included camera directions as well. The “After” version cleans it up quite a bit and makes the images more manageable.
Before:
INT. MICHAEL’S VISION – DAY
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people moaning/screaming as they whiz by. Then Michael finds himself floating in an ocean of thousands of souls. Above him a huge circular sacred stone the size of a football field and stories high with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him. His eyes spring open wide.
Michael reaches out to touch the disk and as he does, the seal turns into a round dimensional gateway. He’s now looking into another world, one in the middle of a great war. The planet, with several moons, has mountains and a forest of huge black trees in the landscape.
The city is built around a huge dome-like metal structure that rises hundreds of stories into the brooding sky. The structure rests over huge stone seals hundreds of yards long that are being raised.
Hundreds of thousands of warriors consisting of male and female humans in rags, and synthetic humans in multicolored artificial skins dressed in war garb, battle evil black-winged creatures on the ground and in the air on their own white flying creatures.
EXPLOSIONS erupt and fires BURN and SMOKE fills the alien sky as we focus in on two figures standing high up on a balcony of a black stone fortress overseeing the war. One is a nearly seven-foot tall creature resembling a human/alien hybrid but is black as night and has large outstretched wings reflecting his anxiety. We move in closer…
CLOSEUP on CRONUS, the ruler of this kingdom, called CITY OF SEALS. He face is full of rage and evil. His green and red eyes pierce our very soul.
Next to him, stands a tall and slender not-quite human in a hooded monk’s robe. This is Cronus’s SORCERER. He turns to us and we can see his face…
CLOSEUP on the SORCERER. His skin is a man-made patchwork of sewn together animal/human skins. His eyes are black except for a dull bluish glow. He cocks his head slightly, as if he can sense Michael’s presence.
Suddenly, Jimmy’s voice breaks through the barriers of time and dimension…
YOUNG JIMMY (V.O.)
MICHAEL, ARE YOU OKAY!? WAKE UP!
AFTER:
INT. MICHAEL’S VISION – DAY
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people moaning as they whiz by him. Michael finds himself afloat in an ocean of souls.
Above him a gigantic circular disk with ancient markings on it moves towards him. His eyes spring open wide.
Michael reaches out to touch the disk. The disk turns into a round dimensional gateway with a view into an alien world.
On a planet with several moons, a great war rages.
In the midst of the war stands a city encircling a huge dome-like metal structure that rises hundreds of stories into the brooding sky.
Hundreds of thousands of human warriors in rags, and synthetic humans in artificial skins in war garb, battle evil black-winged creatures on the ground and in the sky.
Explosions erupt, fires burn, and smoke fills the alien sky, while two figures high up on the balcony of a stone fortress oversee the war.
One is a nearly seven-foot tall part alien part human creature with outstretched wings reflecting his anxiety. Next to him, is his Sorcerer, a slender not-quite human in a hooded monk’s robe.
The Sorcerer reveals his face that is a man-made patchwork of sewn together human skins. His eyes are black with a dull bluish glow. He cocks his head slightly, sensing Michael’s presence.
Suddenly, Jimmy’s voice breaks through the barriers of time and dimension…
YOUNG JIMMY (V.O.)
MICHAEL, ARE YOU OKAY!? WAKE UP!
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Mod 4: Lesson 11: “Best Dialogue I’ve Read!”
Dialogue Changes
FROM:
KRISTY
Rough morning?
MICHAEL
Yeah, you could say that.
TO:
KRISTY
Rough morning?
MICHAEL
Just got attacked by a rioter. Yeah, rough
morning.
FROM:
She turns around and walks away.
KRISTY
Get it yourself.
TO:
She turns around and walks away.
KRISTY
Get it yourself, prick.
FROM:
As the bartender fixes his drink as the Drunk glances at the newscast he’s been watching. The newscast talks about human kind’s end.
DRUNK
You know who else is having a bad day?
Humans. They’re saying we only got about
eighty years and then…POOF…we’re
gone. Like we were never here.
TO:
As the bartender fixes his drink as the Drunk glances at the newscast he’s been watching. The newscast talks about human kind’s end.
DRUNK
You know who else is having a bad day?
Humans. They’re saying we only got about
eighty years and then…POOF…we’re
all gone. No more happy hours, buddy.
FROM:
Kristy turns and starts walking away. Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.
Kristy resents it.
KRISTY
Hey, what’s your problem?!
DIANE
I’m his wife.
KRISTY
Oh.
Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.
DIANE
I recognize that perfume. I’ve smelled it
on his clothes at least five times. That
equals five times you’ve slept with my
husband.
TO:
Kristy turns and starts walking away. Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.
She resents it.
KRISTY
Hey, lady, what’s your problem?!
DIANE
I’m not a fuckin’ lady. I’m his wife.
KRISTY
Oh.
Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.
DIANE
I recognize that perfume. I’ve smelled it
on his clothes at least five times. That
equals five times you’ve slept with my
husband, slut.
FROM:
Ava becomes concerned.
AVA
But didn’t you tell us that the last
time you did it, you had a mild stroke
afterward?
The Professor sits back down.
PROFESSOR
You bring up a good point, Ava, I’m
not a spring chicken any more.
TO:
Ava becomes concerned.
AVA
But didn’t you tell us that the last
time you did it, you had a mild stroke
afterward?
The Professor sits back down.
PROFESSOR
You bring up a good point, Ava. I am
no longer in my physical prime.
AVA
(Sarcastically)
I think the physical prime train left the station
a while back, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Agreed.
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Jack Young’s Dialogue 7 – 8 for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more we can make our dialogue intertwined with our story, the more intrigue we can create.
Dialogue Skill 7. Dialogue As Action
1 – When Mrs. Wakowski shoots herself in front of Michael, Michael makes the mistake of picking up the bloody pistol. He’s seen by one of the policemen with it, resulting in the officer announcing to everyone…
OFFICER
THERE HE IS! HE’S GOT A GUN!
The officer’s words are going to incite some serious action against Michael. Previously when I started writing the scene with Michael at work, it was a very flat scene. However, by adding the suicide and Michael holding the weapon, it changed the dynamics of the scene for the better.
2 – When Michael is getting ready for work, his wife confronts him about his lies. Then when his 5-year old son hears it and asks about it, she tells her son to ask his dad what he’s been lying about. This puts Michael in an awkward situation he has no way out of. See below:
Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.
NICK
Mommy, what did daddy lie about?
Diane ignores Nick’s question and just stares at Michael. Michael doesn’t move, just returns her stare. After a moment…
DIANE
Ask your daddy.
NICK
Daddy, what did you lie about?
Michael closes his eyes and shakes his head.
MICHAEL
Let’s don’t do this now.
(Beat)
I’m late for work.
Dialogue Skill 8. Subtext
1 – At home, Michael’s wife hints that Michael has been lying to her. What has he been lying about and why is she giving him the cold shoulder? Later we discover that Michael is having an affair and secretly working an illegal stock deal.
2 – At the office, there’s subtext given by Kristy, his secretary, that she’s upset with Michael about something. Later, we’ll discover that Michael had an affair with her and is now trying to get distance with her.
3 – Michael has a dream where he remembers how he gave money to his addict brother to buy drugs. He then recalls his brother’s funeral where his father blamed him for his brothers death. The scene of the funeral becomes very dramatic and heartbreaking knowing the subtext that Michael feels responsible.
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Jack Young’s Dialogue 4 – 6 for “STREAM”
A. Setup / Payoff
1. When the professor goes to the jail to get Diane and Thomas released, Ava shows him an Internet news item that has the police looking for the Professor as an accomplice to murder. This sets up a scene where the Professor will use a secret technique of materializing his physical body in the jail to break them out.
2. Michael experiences the power of the “Stream” in a dream, as well as experiencing a brief moment in the “Ocean of Souls” and also encounters the “Sorcerer”. Later, Michael will note that he has been in the Stream before. When Michael arrives on the alien planet where the Stream ends and the 6 seals are located, the audience will discover that the Sorcerer is an evil part of the kingdom that runs the planet.
B. Anticipatory Dialogue
1. Countdown: Michael is told he has 5 days to shut down the stream.
2. Warnings: The Professor warns us in an interview that if we don’t do something, mankind will cease to exist in less than 100 years.
C. Ironic Dialogue
1. WORDS OPPOSITE CHARACTER – Diane, Michael’s wife is ready to divorce over Michael’s affair if it weren’t for her young son. This is demonstrated by dialogue when Diane shows up at the lounge and Michael has passed out. She has a chance encounter with his mistress and recognizes her perfume. She confronts her about the affair but later when Michael is willing to die and enter the stream, she asks why she can’t hate him.
2. When Michael’s mistress shows up the bar to torture Michael about getting his job and told the FBI of his whereabouts, Michael says he doesn’t remember what he ever saw in her. But when he’s leaving the lounge, he tells her thanks for helping through a tough time (His brother’s death).
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1. Missed the Outline in Some Places. RESPONSE: Too much material in act II. Moved material to act III.
2. Did you mean to change the story? RESPONSE: Story remained true to outline but turning points changed in Act III.
3. Not Enough Empathy/Distress:
Put them in difficult situations. Have the situations oppose their profiles/values.
– Undeserved misfortune. RESPONSE: Michael’s wife feels that she married an accountant to avoid drama. But Michael loses all of their money, breaks the law, has an affair.
– Forced decisions. RESPONSE: Michael must decide to die and go into Stream or die from cancer.
– Emotional dilemmas. RESPONSE: Michael wants wife to forgive him for his deeds before he dies. She can’t do it because she’s living a lie about his brother.
– Plans that failed. RESPONSE: Michael’s plan to get rich using insider trading backfires and the FBI has a warrant for his arrest.
– Betrayal and forced betrayal. RESPONSE: Michael’s secretary (his mistress) manipulated foreclosure data for contracts that Michael signed and told the FBI where to find him.
– Witnessing the pain of others. RESPONSE: Michael witnesses an elderly client blow her brains out in front of him when he forecloses on her home.
– Extreme consequences. RESPONSE: Michael is mistaken for an active shooter by the SWAT team when his client shoots herself and is roughed up.
– Major loss. RESPONSE: Michael loses his brother to suicide and believes he may have aided in his death.
– Brings their wound present. RESPONSE: Michael’s client asks about his older brother who overdosed.
– Crucible (Test/challenge). RESPONSE: Can Michael muster the courage to die for something?
– Hurt those they love. RESPONSE: Michael had an affair that hurt his wife even though he loves his wife.
– Exposed. RESPONSE: Michael’s wife meets Michael’s mistress and discovers that Michael lost all of their money in a illegal stock deal.
– Painful decision with Future Consequences. RESPONSE: ?
Keep asking: How could I make this situation worse for this character and cause us to feel for them?
Reference: Mod 1: Lesson 7:
Empathy/Distress, BW Framework, Mod 3: Building in Empathy/Distress
4. Character Intros Not Strong: RESPONSE: Most are good. We don’t have the time to really get to know the Astral team members in the pilot. There’s a whole episode dedicated to this and getting to know Professor Darlington as well.
5. Characters We Don’t Care About: Most of these have minimal lines. I’ve tried to make them as colorful and memorable as possible.
6. Weak Protagonist or Antagonist: RESPONSE: At this point, the antagonist is the Stream.
7. Characters Need More Depth: RESPONSE: No. I think they work.
8. Scenes that are not Intriguing: RESPONSE: I think it works. I’ve tried to take “boring” out of each scene.
9. Weak Scenes: RESPONSE: I’ve tried…
10. Situations Don’t Challenge Characters. RESPONSE: I’ve thrown everything I could find at my characters.
11. Exposition Instead of Reveals. RESPONSE: Yes, I believe I’ve done this. It is revealed later that yes, Michael is having an affair, and yes, Michael is working some form of illegal stock deal, and yes, Michael has something seriously wrong with his brain because he’s eating aspirin like candy.
12. When do I Reveal What? RESPONSE: I believe I have done this.
Choose the timing of major reveals to cause a deeper audience experience.
13. Cliché Scenes, Actions, or Dialogue. RESPONSE: I did find some cliché dialogue that I fixed.
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Jack Young Completed P/S Grid #1 for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is to really scrutinize the story I’m trying to tell.
1. Pilot not a strong Inciting Incident for the Season or Series:
Look at the entire season or show. RESPONSE: Yes. No problem.
What major mystery or impossible goal/mission needs to be set up powerfully in the pilot? RESPONSE: A mysterious energy Stream is stealing souls causing a no-birth crisis. Can someone shut it down?
What is the bigger journey of this season that you need to start in the pilot? RESPONSE: A journey into the Stream to wherever it leads.
Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 2: Pilot as Inciting Incident
2. Weak Conflict (Big Picture):
A. Create huge opposing goals with high stakes. RESPONSE: What lies in the Stream and at the other end? The fate of mankind is at stake.
B. Cause high stakes goals to be challenged in a big way. RESPONSE: Yes.
C. Give your characters opposing goals, missions, needs, traits, agendas, etc.
between characters. RESPONSE: Michael must die and go into the Stream. Diane and the others must keep his body at certain temp or he cannot return. The Professor has a secret agenda associated with the human soul.
D. Forced characters into Terrifying Risks/High Stakes. RESPONSE: Michael must have his heart stopped to enter Stream or stay and die from brain cancer in 3 days.
E. Build in a Ticking Clock. RESPONSE: Michael has 5 days to go into Stream and shut it down before they restart his heart.
3. Weak or No Irony (Big Picture):
IRONY: Put two opposites together in an interesting and/or puzzling way. RESPONSE: The Professor has a spiritual solution to a scientific problem affecting birth.
Instantly causes an endless series of potential problems. RESPONSE: The only way to investigate the Stream is to become a spiritual being (die). Science is defining it as a problem caused by a virus or disease and are trying to create man using science.
Irony creates depth, unique, fascination, open loops, and causes puzzlement. RESPONSE: The Professor uses Astral Projection as a technique to investigate and has unusual techniques he uses.
4. Structure: Do my Acts Work?:
Isolate the structure. List out one or two sentences for each ACT to see which are weak or don’t deliver.
– ACT I: Michael’s day at home and the office turns to shit when he gets attacked by rioters on the way to work, a client blows her brains out in front of him, and he finds out there’s a warrant out for his arrest for an illegal stock deal.
– ACT II: Michael’s stop a local lounge also turns bad when he’s ambushed by his mistress who turns out to be the criminal mind behind the “fudged” foreclosures that he’s been signing and that she’s told the FBI where to find him. Michael has a mild stroke and while in the hospital he has nightmares about his brother, learns of Professor Darlington’s attempts in the Astral Plane, and is told he’s dying from advanced brain cancer.
– ACT III: Michael seeks out the Professor and receives supernatural messages about his imminent death. The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the Astral Plane to witness the Stream stealing souls. Michael is told that he must die to enter the stream and stop the no-birth epidemic.
– ACT IV: Michael has another vision of his brother and sorcerer in another world and receives cryptic messages from Jimmy. Michael decides to enter the Stream and must say goodbye to his 5 year old son. Michael has his heart stopped to enter the Stream.
– ACT V: Michael enters the Stream while the Professor and the astral team must break out Diane and Thomas from jail after they are arrested for Michael’s death. The team breaks into the morgue to reclaim Michael’s body and keep it refrigerated so Michael can return. Michael completes his journey to his destination in the Stream and finds himself on an alien planet with a new body that has an artificial skin.
It should tell a story and each beat should fulfill its purpose. If not, just brainstorm other ways to deliver that beat. RESPONSE: Done. Works.
Teaser: Scene as a Hook: Unique world, mystery, tone, and character. RESPONSE: A TV interview with the Professor about his solution informs the viewer of a world not seen or imagined before.
Act 1: The hero’s ordinary world. Their cover. RESPONSE: Michael has a family and good job and in Act I it is starting to fall apart and go bad.
Act 2: The setup to expose the cover. RESPONSE: Michael is slowly exposed to other worlds that are interacting with his alerting him of his destiny.
Midpoint: Reveals the real world/conflict. RESPONSE: Michael and Diane are taken into the Astral Plane to see the Stream that is stealing souls first hand. Diane gets pulled into the Stream and must be rescued.
Act 3: Reeling from the change. RESPONSE: Michael’s world is over. He must decide to die and enter the Stream to change the world for the better.
Act 4: Consequences/Fallout/major expression of conflict. RESPONSE: Michael must say goodbye to his wife and young son
Act 5: Cliffhanger/They are on the journey. RESPONSE: Michael reaches the end of the Stream and finds himself on an alien planet and with a new body.
Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure. RESPONSE:
5. Weak Teaser:
The Teaser needs to be a compelling and dramatic HOOK that sets the tone, creates
mystery, and propels us to watch this episode. RESPONSE: I feel teaser is effective.
It could be the chronological first action of the pilot or it could be an intriguing
moment that is taken from later in the show. RESPONSE: The teaser reveals some kind of connection that Michael has with the “Stream”, the sacred seals, an alien world, and with the ruler of that world (Cronus) and his Sorcerer. The teaser foretells Michael’s destiny.
Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure, and BW Framework
6. Need stronger Midpoint:
Act 1 is the cover for what is really going on. The midpoint reveals the REAL intriguing reality. RESPONSE: The midpoint is when Michael and Diane witness what is causing the no-birth crisis.
Make Act 1 such a good cover up that we are shocked by the Midpoint. RESPONSE:
Deliver the Midpoint scene in a shocking or surprising way. RESPONSE: When they are shown the Stream in the Astral Plane, Diane gets pulled into it and must be rescued.
Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure
7. Conclusion: Mystery or Impossible Goal/Mission not strong: RESPONSE: When Michael has his heart stopped to go into the Stream, his body temp must be maintained. Well, I expo them to the police when their young son sees his father dead and alerts the police. When the police take the body, this complicates the issue of Michael ever returning. The wife and Professor must find a way to steal back the body.
8. Need a stronger cliffhanger: RESPONSE: When the viewer journeys with Michael to the end of the Stream and finds Michael on an alien planet with a new body and new artificial skin, they will want to know oh so many things that they surely return.
9. Weak Turning Points (end of each act): RESPONSE: I think it works.
10. A, B, and C stories not working together: RESPONSE:
First, Identify them. A drives things. B + C add complexity and emotion to A line. RESPONSE:
A story = High Concept story. RESPONSE: Michael must go into the Stream and shut it down so his son and others can have a normal life.
B story = Colleagues and Competitors. RESPONSE: The Professor and Thomas must maintain Michael’s body so he can return.
C story = Family. RESPONSE: His wife is now on the run from the police, suspected in Michael’s death, and estranged from her young son, who believes his mother killed his father.
11. Weak Transformational Journey: RESPONSE: Michael is in an extremely bad place with his wife (affair) his work (he was fired), financially (Made illegal stock deal and lost everything) and health-wise (has terminal brain cancer). His only way forward is to die and go into the Stream. What does he have to lose at this point?
12. Missing Setups for Future Episodes: RESPONSE: Michael has visions of a sorcerer who we will discover is a mentor to the main antagonist (Cronus) who Michael will meet on the alien planet where he arrived. The circular stone disk that Michael saw in his dream is one of six seals that are considered sacred seals that are the real problem that Michael will face.
13. Not enough intrigue: RESPONSE: I think this works..
14. Not enough subtext: RESPONSE: I feel that I’ve created the right amount of intrigue and mystery to keep the viewer engaged.
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Jack Young Has Finished Act 4 + 5 for “STREAM”
I learned that I had more story than needed for the pilot (Had 70 pages), fortunately, there was a great turning point on page 55 that allowed me to shorten it by 15 pages, and yet it worked. The good news is that I have 15 pages of the next episode already primed and ready to go and have my pilot where I need it.
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Jack Young’s Finished Act 3 for “STREAM”
I learned that I was trying to pack too much story in one act and had to do some rethinking of the structure and scenes. As always, I tried to have fun while writing and stuck to the scenes as much as possible.
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Jack Young’s Finished Act 2 for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that outlines are effective tools for writing. It isn’t so daunting when you at least have your acts and scenes outlined. I can really make some time using this method. I already had developed a method for writing fast and even had authored a book on it, “How to Write a Screenplay in 3 Days: The Marathon Method” (Available on Amazon), and had used the method to write 14 screenplays in one year (While holding down a full time job and raising a family).
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Jack Young’s Finished Act 1 First Draft for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that I could really make life miserable for my main character a lot more than I thought. Originally, in the act I I had planned, my character had a fairly boring life as a banker before the “other” world story kicked in. However, as I wrote the draft, I decided to kick it up in a variety of ways so that his life began falling apart much sooner and included much higher stakes. Hal said to make their life Hell, well I sure did and I think it will help to hook the audience in for the ride.
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Jack Young’s Teaser / High Speed Writing for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that my teaser didn’t work. I had recently seen a film that was apocalyptic like mine and they had used a teaser where a news team was explaining the nature of the apocalypse. I replaced the teaser that I had originally written in the outline with an interview by one of my main characters to do this and thought it was effective. Later, I recalled that in a audio lesson Hal said that the dialogue and action in the first two pages had to be some of the best in the script or we’d lose the reader. I then realized that the original teaser that I had in my outline worked much better and created intrigue and mystery a lot better than the interview. I was much happier after going back to the original idea.
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Is anyone else having trouble getting a response to where Mod 4 folder is located? I’m working on assignments in Module 4 but have no place to post them. Also, has anyone else gotten a review of their TV Bible done by Dimitri. I requested and paid for a review 2 months ago and haven’t heard a word. I’m getting a little frustrated. – Jack
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What I learned doing this assignment is that even though I thought that I had built in intrigue, going back and examining the scenes, I found new ways to add more layers of intrigue to the scene. I believe this process is helping me to build richer scenes.
Jack Young Outline With Intrigue for “STREAM”
TEASER
INT. SWIMMING POOL – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Mystery
Michael, age 7, falls into a pool. Blood clouds the water around his head. At first he fights to stay alive, then he closes his eyes and floats to the bottom of the pool.
Start: Michael falls into the pool.
Challenging Situation: He has a wound to his head and is injured.
Conflict: The water is overcoming him.
Action: Initially, he fights to survive, but with a head injury, he succumbs.
Finish: He has lost the battle and rests on the bottom of the pool.
INT. DREAM
Major Form of Intrigue: Intriguing World – We’re introduced to the worlds that we will be seeing down the road to include Ocean of Souls (Pseudo Heaven) and the sorcerer’s world.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael is drowning in a swimming pool and is in danger of drowning, but there is a threatening huge disk bearing down on him and a hideous sorcerer in an ancient world that appears to be threatening Michael.
Other: Open Loops: What do all the souls represent? What does the gigantic disk represent? Who is the sorcerer and what does he have to do with Michael’s story?
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people screaming as they whiz by.
Michael finds himself floating in an ocean of thousands of souls. Above him a huge sacred stone seal with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him. Michael reaches out to touch the disk and as he does, the seal turns into a round dimensional gateway. He’s now looking into an ancient world where a Sorcerer stands working his evil magic. The Sorcerer turns as if he has seen Michael watching him and gives him a menacing look.
Start: Michael, his eyes closed, finds himself peacefully floating in a strange ocean of souls.
Challenging Situation: As he opens his eyes, he finds himself facing a huge ancient stone seal that is moving towards him.
Conflict: The huge stone disk (Seal) moves closer and closer, almost on top of him.
Action: The stone seal turns into a dimensional gateway that looks into an ancient world of a sorcerer. The sorcerer gives Michael a menacing and threatening look.
Finish: Michael is pulled back to reality by the voice of his older brother calling his name.
EXT. POOL – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Mystery – This scene is in the form of a dream. Michael recalls when he was younger and almost drowned in the backyard pool. Did he have a vision as a young child of things to come or did he inject this into his dream?
Other: Wound – Michael had a strong relationship with his brother until his suicide. Michael feels responsible for his brother James death. Although his brother saves him, he’s also the one responsible for Michael to fall into the pool and nearly die. Some of this has been blocked out of Michael’s memory.
Michael’s brother, James, age 11, resuscitates him and warns him of future events to come.
Start: Michael finds himself back in the world being resuscitated by his brother. He’s laying on the side of the pool, his brother over him.
Challenging Situation: Michael gags on the pool water, trying to breathe.
Conflict: His brother turns Michael’s body to the side so he can expel the water.
Action: Michael expels the water and is able to breathe again.
Finish: After Michael has recovered, his brother tells him of a fantastic adventure that awaits him but requires that he must find the “Professor” (“You’ll need faith and alliances”)
ACT I:
INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Mystery – Why is Michael having constant headaches? Why does his wife suspect he’s having an affair? What big business deal is Michael working on the phone and why doesn’t he want his wife to overhear?
Other: Wound – His wife is obviously wounded by the fact Michael is having an affair. Is she avoiding having a discussion about it for the sake of their young son?
Michael’s wife is standoffish as he gets ready for work. He pops more aspirin as he gets ready. His wife is worried about his continual severe headaches. She suspects that Michael is having an affair and doing something illegal on the side. Michael works a “big” deal on phone while trying to be obscure about it, raising more suspicions with his wife.
Start: Michael goes through his usual pre-work routine.
Challenging Situation: His wife is not only concerned about his abuse of painkillers, she’s internally brewing over the affair he’s having at work.
Conflict: Diane sends obscure signals that she’s upset with him about suspected affair. Michael detects her hidden anger with him while he tries to work a big deal with a friend on the phone
Action: None, just dialogue.
Finish: Michael maneuvers his wife by avoiding her as much as possible and escapes to work.
INT. MICHAEL’S CAR – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Imminent Threat – Michael wasn’t able to avoid the protestors on the way to work. When he gets out of the car to help a protestor he hit with the car, it turns violent threatening Michael’s life.
Other: Mystery/Open Loop – Who is the Professor and why is Michael getting a supernatural message from the other side about him? What role will the Professor play in Michael’s story.
On his way to work, drives through the rioters on the street that are looting and burning buildings. He almost kills someone as they attack his car. He climbs out to see if he’s okay and he’s attacked by the protestor as he helps him up. Michael barely escapes as he notices another protestor carrying a sign that reads “Find The Professor” After he notices the sign, the protestor disappears.
Start: Michael is driving to work like he normally does.
Challenging Situation: The car passes through rioters who are burning buildings.
Conflict: Rioters attack the car and throw objects at the car.
Action: Michael maneuvers the car through the crowd and hits a protestor. When he gets out, the protestor he hit comes after him swinging.
Finish: Michael finally gets through the violence and threat and receives a message from the other side.
INT. AMERICAN BANK – FORECLOSURE DEPT – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Secrets – The old woman shares secrets of her life with her husband with Michael.
Other: Mystery – She recognizes Michael and knows his brother. How does she know about them?
Other: Imminent Threat – The old woman pulls a gun from her purse. Michael believes for an instant that she is going to shoot him for foreclosing on her home. Michael is also mistaken for an active shooter and is almost shot by a swat team.
Other: Betrayal – Michael has betrayed a woman whom she used to be a neighbor of theirs by going along with the foreclosing of her home.
Other: Wound – The old woman opens a wound when she asks Michael about his dead brother.
At work an elderly woman comes to his office upset that she’s losing her home. She recognizes Michael’s last name. Turns out she lived near his mother and he and his brother used to cut her lawn. She asks about his brother. Michael says he’s dead. She talks about her dead husband and never having kids then takes out a gun from her purse. She commits suicide in front of Michael. She has an eerie, cryptic message for Michael before she fires. Secretary at work gives Michael a hard time over ending affair.
During chaos of suicide, bank workers think it’s an “Active Shooter” situation and scramble for shelter. Michael gets call from his friend, Kevin, that something went wrong with stock deal.
Start: Michael begins a usual day of work as a foreclosure specialist at the bank.
Challenging Situation: An elderly woman pulls a gun from her purse. Michael believes she will shoot him but she turns the gun on herself and commits suicide.
Conflict: Michael’s secretary creates a situation over an ended affair.
Action: The police arrive and assault Michael, believing he’s an active shooter. He gets struck in the head during the process.
Finish: Michael is released by police and later gets a phone call from friend that their stock deal has serious problems.
ACT II:
INT. LOCAL BAR – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Open Loop – What is going on with the riots, protesting, and the weird government testing trying to create humans?
Other: Deception – Michael’s secretary has deceived him about the foreclosures they have been conducting at the bank.
Other: Betrayal – His secretary betrayed him to his employer and to the FBI.
Other: Wound – The secretary opens a wound with Michael’s wife when the FBI calls his wife and she comes to the bar.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael headaches finally reach their limit causing him to black out and hit his head. He obviously is dealing with a major medical issue.
Michael stops at bar to get a drink and to get his head together. At bar, news on the bar TV talks about riots. A drunk at the bar makes jokes about the government experimenting with monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and gulps down more aspirin while downing a drink. His secretary stops in, having seen his car. She confesses that she wants his job and is really the brains behind the foreclosing success at the bank and he’s already been fired and she’s up for his job. She then tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him and she told them that Michael was probably at his hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Diane receives phone call from the FBI at home. She arrives at bar and runs into Michael’s secretary. She smells secretary and tells her that she’s smelled her perfume 5 times before in the laundry room on her husband’s clothes in the last year. Secretary corrects her “six”. She slaps the secretary.
Start: Michael tries to escape the chaos of the day and his problems.
Challenging Situation: The secretary shows up to challenge Michael over his ending the affair.
Conflict: He learns she “assisted” in developing foreclosure cases (Unethically) and informed on him to the FBI. Diane confronts Michael’s girlfriend.
Action: The FBI starts to arrest Michael and he has stroke and passes out.
Finish: Michael is carried away on stretcher to the hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Wound – Michael has flashbacks about his older brother after passing out at the bar. We’re introduced to his brother’s suicide and how his father responded.
Other: Secrets – Michael’s affair and secret stock deal are now known by the wife.
Other: Deception – Michael’s wife feels deceived by Michael.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael is in real danger of dying from brain cancer.
Other: Mystery – Why are supernatural forces trying to communicate with Michael about the Professor.
Other: Empathy/Distress – We feel for Michael who just found out he’s dying from advanced brain cancer.
After a dream about his older brother that takes Michael into his brother’s world, his suicide, his funeral, and his father blaming him for his brother’s death. Michael awakes in hospital. His wife sits on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, lied, etc. The doctor takes Diane out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Later, Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that he’s blind in one of his eyes.
Start: Michael is in the hospital.
Challenging Situation: Doctors determine that Michael has brain cancer and is dying.
Conflict: Diane is upset with Michael for the affair and his illegal business dealings.
Action: Michael has to confront his infidelity and possibility that he is dying and a criminal.
Finish: Michael feels that something larger than him is happening and it’s connected to the Professor.
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Empathy/Distress – We feel for Michael now that he only has one good eye and one good leg.
Other: Mystery – A message from the other side is warning Michael that his time is limited to find the Professor and to enter the Stream.
Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. Michael now has a patch over his blind eye. A newspaper page wraps around her leg, almost attacking her. She freaks out as the paper fights for her attention as she tries to pull it away and put Michael in the car. The obituary page describes Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find the Professor.
Start: Diane helps Michael leave the hospital.
Challenging Situation: Michael has lost sight in one eye and one of his legs is numb. Diane must help him to the car.
Conflict: A newspaper fights for her attention to reveal Michael’s destiny.
Action: Diane freaks out as she reads Michael’s obituary to him in the car.
Finish: They leave the hospital traumatized by recent events and news.
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Mystery – Strange forces are at work. Some force wants to push Michael on his journey and another force wants to stop him.
Diane and Michael drive several hours to the professor’s mansion in Iowa. The Obituary page is whisked away by wind before she can show anyone at the house. A dark and brooding sky warns of impending events. The Professor’s odd housekeeper believes that they are a couple of nuts and won’t let them in. Diane forces her way in while holding her child and trying to guide Michael in. They find the Professor in the kitchen with the floor covered with Corn Flakes. He’s trying to decipher a strange pattern displayed by the Corn Flakes.
Start: Michael and Diane go to the professor’s house in Iowa.
Challenging Situation: The couple is challenged by an odd housekeeper.
Conflict: Diane forces her way in to see the Professor.
Action: The Professor is trying to decipher a pattern on the floor.
Finish: Diane recognizes the pattern as “MW”, the initials of her husband’s name.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Intriguing World – The Professor leads a journey into the Astral plane to convince Diane and Michael of his theory about the no-birth cause.
Other: Imminent Threat – Diane is pulled into the raging stream that is stealing souls.
At Professor’s mansion, they meet the young astral team. The Professor tells Michael about the stream in the astral plane. Diane doesn’t believe it. She thinks the Professor is crazy. The Professor and his team take Michael and Diane into the astral plane to show them the raging stream and the souls being captured in it. Diane gets pulled into the Stream by a passing soul. The team fights to pull her back out.
Start: Michael and Diane are introduced to the Astral team.
Challenging Situation: Michael and Diane are told an outrageous story about souls being stolen. They are taken into the stream where Diane gets accidentally pulled into the stream.
Conflict: Diane refuses to believe it the Professor’s story and wants to immediately leave with Michael and their son.
Action: The Professor offers to show them proof…a visit to the Astral plane where Diane gets pulled in by a soul passing by. The Astral team pulls Diane to safety.
Finish: Diane and Michael are convinced that it is real and what the Professor is saying is the truth.
ACT III:
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Major Form of Intrigue: Imminent Threat – Michael discovers that must die to enter the Stream.
Other: Deception – Thomas becomes upset with the Professor when he deceives Michael about his chances in returning to his body.
Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it and leaves with Michael.
Start: Diane is told that Michael must die to enter the stream.
Challenging Situation: Michael is not ready to die and Diane is not ready to let him go.
Conflict: Thomas becomes upset that they have gone to an extreme amount of work and Michael is letting everyone down.
Action: Diane leaves with Michael. The Professor has to restrain Thomas from going after them. The Professor tells Diane and Michael that with Thomas’s device, there’s a good chance that Michael can return. Thomas gives him a strange look and later confronts him with the logic that when Michael shuts down the stream, he shuts down his way back.
Finish: They leave in their car.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Major Form of Intrigue: Wound – Michael feels that he can maybe make up for the shitty job he’s done as a husband and father by going into the Stream.
Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family. Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through his son. They go back.
Start: Diane is driving the car away from the Professor’s mansion with Michael and her son.
Challenging Situation: Michael is dying. Mankind needs a hero.
Conflict: Diane is not ready for Michael to die and is fleeing with Michael to save him.
Action: Michael comes to the realization that he is dying and that his son’s future family depends upon him taking a chance to stop it.
Finish: Michael convinces Diane that if this crazy idea works, he will not only help their son but everyone. He doesn’t have a choice.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Major Form of Intrigue: Wound – Michael’s wound is his brother because he still feels responsible for his suicide. Michael gets new information about his drowning as a child. He had blocked out that his brother had pushed him into the pool causing the accident.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael sees the sorcerer again in a vision. Michael also almost gets run over by a truck but is saved by Diane.
Michael and Diane tell Professor they will do it. Later, Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house. He finds himself back at the pool where he had drowned. His brother reveals to him that he had pushed his brother in the pool to teach him to swim. Michael had then hit his head on the edge of the pool and fell in. His brother admits that he got scared and ran. He later returned and pulled his brother out. Then, as it starts pouring down rain, his brother tells him that “..they’re watching you” as the rain turns into a swirling vortex.
Michael sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the vortex. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. He shakes his long deformed forefinger at Michael. Suddenly, the vortex transforms into headlights of a truck.
Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house.
Start: Michael leaves the mansion after seeing a vision of his brother in the rain.
Challenging Situation: Michael, with only one good eye, can barely walk with the crutches in the rain.
Conflict: He struggles to chase the vision of his brother to the pool behind the mansion.
Action: As he reaches the pool, the pool changes to the one he drowned in as a boy. He relives the drowning experience again. This time, he discovers that his brother had pushed him in, causing his drowning.
Finish: His wife saves him from being run over by a truck and takes him back to the mansion.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Major Form of Intrigue: Imminent Threat – Michael’s time is running out and he will die soon.
Other: Wound – Michael is desperately trying to make amends to his wife before he goes but his wife is having a difficult time forgiving him.
Other: Empathy/Distress – We feel empathy/distress for Michael as his health deteriorates.
Michael awakes to find that his wife is not in bed. He checks in on his son who is asleep on a makeshift bed on the floor. He goes downstairs and follows a light that is on in the study. He enters and finds his wife standing near a full wall of books reading one of the Professor’s books on the Astral world. They have a conversation about what happened to them, Michael’s ambition, their desires for a family, careers, etc. Michael almost falls as he uses his crutch to steady him while moving across the room to the window. There’s a full moon. He talks while watching the moon about needing Diane to forgive him before he dies. She’s still upset with him about recent events and has no idea how she’s going to deal with the financial and legal mess he’s leaving behind. She’s having a hard time being sympathetic.
Start: Michael awakes at night.
Challenging Situation: The last night before he dies, he struggles to get forgiveness from his wife. They argue about the legacy that Michael is leaving her and his son.
Conflict: Diane can’t help being upset about the situation and it’s gonna get worse.
Action: They argue and Diane agrees to sleep on it.
Finish: They return to bed.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – LAB – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Imminent Threat – Michael’s heart is stopped.
Other: Wound – Diane misses the opportunity to forgive him for hurting her.
Other: Empathy/Distress – We feel empathy/distress for the son who just witnessed his father dying.
Thomas stops Michael’s heart while he’s in the environmental pod. He remembers that he wanted Diane to forgive him before he died and struggles to get out as he dies. Diane lunges to the pod and demands that they stop it as he dies, missing the opportunity. Moments later, their young son, who has been standing on the stairs watching, screams out that they killed his father.
Start: Michael has his heart stopped to send him into the stream.
Challenging Situation: As Michael dies, his wife remembers his last wish and tries to stop his death. She fails.
Conflict: The son is upset at the death of his father.
Action: Diane rushes to her son to consul him to no avail.
Finish: Diane must remove her son from the lab as he’s screaming and kicking.
ACT IV:
INT. ASTRAL PLANE
Major Form of Intrigue: Intriguing World – Michael’s journey takes him into the Astral plane.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael enters an energy stream in hopes of shutting it down. We have no idea where it leads or what it will do to Michael.
Michael enters the Astral plane as a disembodied spirit. The Astral team, now disembodied spirits, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side.
Start: Michael, now dead and a soul, is drawn into the stream.
Challenging Situation: The Astral team is racing along side the stream trying to verify that Michael has entered. Except that they see other souls but not Michael.
Conflict: As they race alongside the stream trying to find Michael, one of the young Astral team members gets pulled into the raging energy stream. The others panic and report back to the Professor, who is monitoring their mission from inside the mansion.
Action: Finally, just before they think his “cord” will pull apart killing the astral team member, he is suddenly pushed back out of the stream by no other than Michael. The team member’s life is saved.
Finish: Michael is now visible in the stream. He waves and is on his way.
INT. WALKER HOUSE – DAY
Main Form of Intrigue: Secrets – Diane’s parents don’t know the details of Michael’s death and that it’s an experiment rather than a murder.
Other: Betrayal – Their son, Nick, naively betrays his mother by leading police to the body.
Diane’s parents, concerned about their grandson, come to a hotel in town. When Diane takes her son to the hotel hoping her parents can calm him down they call the police. Using the son’s help, the Police find Michael’s body and seize it. Michael’s body is seized by the police and taken to the morgue. Diane is arrested and taken away.
Start: Diane takes Nick (her son) away from the mansion because he’s upset over the death of his father.
Challenging Situation: It’s impossible for Diane to explain what happened to Michael not only to their son but even more impossible to explain to her parents.
Conflict: Her parents call the police and the police believe they are investigating a murder or cult killing. Since Diane refuses to cooperate, the police are able to rely on Nick’s memory of where the mansion is located.
Action: The police raid the mansion and find Michael’s body in the pod. Thomas convinces the Professor to run for it while he stays with Michael’s body. The police aren’t buying any of it.
Finish: Diane and Thomas are taken away and the coroner takes Michael’s body.
ACT V:
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Secret Identity – The Professor is able to create a material representation of himself when doing Astral Projection to get Diane and Thomas out of jail.
Other: Imminent Threat – If they can’t get Michael’s body temperature moderated at the precise temperature defined by Thomas, Michael will not have a body to return to.
Other: Deception – The Professor deceives the police, convincing them he’s an armed accomplice breaking Diane and Thomas out of jail.
The Professor escapes while Diane and Thomas have been arrested and Michael’s body has been taken to the morgue. The Professor uses his technique of creating a material representation of himself (You’ll see him do this and explain in a later episode) to materialize in the jail with a gun. He sits in a meditation position on the floor of a white work van and closes his eyes. The dust and debris in the jail swirls like a dust storm and the Professor materializes inside the police station holding a gun. He forces the police to release Diane and Thomas then jails the local sheriff’s staff. When they leave the jail, the materialization dissolves into particles on the ground. The door of a van waiting in the parking lot opens and the Professor steps out. The Professor warns Diane that if they don’t get his body back, he will not be able to return.
Start: The Professor escapes from the police at the mansion.
Challenging Situation: The Professor must quickly find a way to get Diane and Thomas out of jail and recover Michael’s body or all hope of return for Michael is gone.
Conflict: The Professor has a gun that he has also materialized as part of his astral projection trick. The staff in the sheriff’s office believes it is a real gun and cooperate.
Action: The Professor gets Diane and Thomas released from jail and they escape, while the sheriff’s staff is locked up.
Finish: Diane and Thomas escape with the Professor in an old work van.
INT. MORGUE – NIGHT
Major Form of Intrigue: Secret Identity – Thomas (Our MIT engineer) appears to have had another life that involved picking locks.
Other: Imminent Threat – If they don’t escape from the cold storage area, they could die or Michael may not be able to return.
Other: Empathy/Distress – We feel empathy/distress over Diane’s situation with Michael’s dead body and other numerous dead bodies.
Thomas picks the lock on the back door of the morgue. The Professor makes a comment about studying lock-picking at MIT. Thomas, the Professor, and Diane enter the morgue and search out Michael’s body. They find the main refrigerated storage area that has numerous bodies covered on metal tables. As Diane lifts the sheets searching for Michael, she reveals numerous grotesque dead bodies that alarm her. After several bodies, the Professor pulls her to the side and tells her that he and Thomas will find Michael.
As they’re looking for Michael, an old janitor sees the freezer door open and closes it as he continues mopping. Thomas hears the door close and lock. He runs to it and can’t get the door open. The Professor finds Michael’s body. Diane joins the Professor as he checks Michael’s body temperature. He doesn’t like what he sees. Thomas rushes over to check Michael. The Professor tells him that they need to get Michael out of there so they can control his temperature. Thomas tells him that they’re trapped inside. Diane rushes to the door and pounds on it yelling for help. The janitor has headsets on listening to his portable radio and doesn’t hear her yelling for help. Diane pleads with Thomas and the Professor to do something. The Professor sits down, closes his eyes and crosses his legs. Diane questions why he’s sitting down and meditating at a time like this.
In the hallway, the janitor removes the mop from a bucket of water and plops the mop down on the floor. Suddenly, the water in the bucket begins churning and spinning. It spins higher and higher as it forms the professor’s body. The janitor starts to put the mop in the bucket when he realizes that the mop water is now spinning up into the air and has created a resemblance of the Professor. The Professor gets the janitor to go back and unlock the refrigeration door.
After the door is unlocked Thomas pushes Michael’s body out with Diane as the Professor comes out of his meditation. The water that was a materialization of the professor drops to the floor. A large puddle of water covers the floor. The janitor reaches down and touches it.
Start: They arrive at the morgue to get Michael’s body back.
Challenging Situation: When they find Michael’s body in the refrigeration room, they accidentally get locked in by the janitor.
Conflict: They can’t get out of the room.
Action: They must come up with a plan to get out of the locked room.
Finish: The Professor is able to project an image of himself to get the janitor to unlock the door.
INT. OCEAN OF SOULS
Major Form of Intrigue: Intriguing World – Michael arrives in a new reality that appears to be Heaven.
Other: Imminent Threat – A strange large metallic tube threatens to suck up residents of this new reality. Michael is finally plucked out by the tube.
Other: Wound – Michael has a run-in with the lady from the bank (a neighbor of his mother’s) who claims to have encountered his dead brother. Michael finds himself in Afghanistan where his brother is engaged in combat.
Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). He sees the old lady from the bank drive by his old house. She waves and stops her car. She asks him what he’s doing in Heaven. She says that she saw his brother earlier but that God came and took him away. She asks if he’s seen her husband because she can’t find him or her friends. Later, Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls by a huge syringe shaped object that appears in the sky. He runs from it, not sure what it is. As he runs, he runs past the lady he talked with earlier as she’s plucked from her car. The car vanishes as he runs down the street.
As he’s running, he finds himself running onto a battlefield in Afghanistan. Suddenly an explosion rocks the area. Michael dives to the ground. A hand gently packs him on the back. His brother’s voice assures him he’s okay. He turns to find his older brother dressed in full battle gear with his weapon. His brother asks him what he’s doing there. As he starts to explain, his brother gets off a few rounds at the enemy. As he tries to have a conversation, his brother sees one of his men go down from enemy fire. He takes off to save him and another explosion goes off. Michael runs to him to help. His brother’s leg is blown off but his brother seems calm as he starts tying a tourniquet around it. Michael tries to help tie it. Suddenly, the strange and alien syringe looking object appears in the sky and starts lowering towards them. Michael spots it and knows what it’s capable of. Michael tells his brother they have to go. His brother tells him to leave him and go. Michael doesn’t want to leave him and tells him that he loves him.
As Michael runs the device sucks him out of that world.
Start: Michael finds himself in a new reality that resembles Heaven.
Challenging Situation: Michael finds himself in a reality that is anything but Heaven.
Conflict: Michael finds himself in a war zone with his brother.
Action: Michael’s brother gets injured and Michael tries to help.
Finish: Michael is plucked from “Heaven” by some alien device.
EXT. PLANET OF SEALS – DAY
Major Form of Intrigue: Intriguing World – After Michael is plucked from Heaven, he finds himself standing on an alien world in a gray synthetic leathery skin.
Other: Imminent Threat – Michael finds himself being whipped into obedience by black winged creatures along with hundreds of other new “skins”.
Michael is thrust into a bright light. He steps into it and instantly falls to his knees. He looks down at his hand that rests on some strange alien soil and rocks. Suddenly a snap of a whip induces a sharp pain in his back. He moans and stands. We now see his face as he It’s the shape of Michael’s head, but it’s covered with a gray leathery skin that has brown veins running all through it. Another snap of a whip registers more pain. Michael instantly grabs the whip and pulls on it. The creature snarls and yanks the whip away from Michael.
Michael is now on alien soil standing among a foreign and unfamiliar landscape. A strange grotesque creature that is black, resembling a bat, with large black wings, hovers in the air holding a whip. What is happening to Michael is happening to hundreds of other who have just arrived and are being urged to form a line down a alien landscape. In the distance are factories spewing black smoke into the air. Beyond that is a huge, black forest of trees.
Start: Michael arrives in a new reality.
Challenging Situation: Michael is in a different reality in a new synthetic skin and is being whipped by some alien creature.
Conflict: Michael grabs the whip of the creature whipping him.
Action: Michael is forced into a line of others just arriving in this world just like him.
Finish: Michael disappears into the line of others like him into a strange new alien world.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that I had not really thought through the scenes to create real conflict for the characters. This assignment helped to go through the scenes to throw more at my characters and to make them become more resourceful.
Jack Young Scene Requirements Pass 2 for “STREAM”
TEASER
INT. SWIMMING POOL – DAY
Michael, age 7, falls into a pool. Blood clouds the water around his head. At first he fights to stay alive, then he closes his eyes and floats to the bottom of the pool.
Start: Michael falls into the pool.
Challenging Situation: He has a wound to his head and is injured.
Conflict: The water is overcoming him.
Action: Initially, he fights to survive, but with a head injury, he succumbs.
Finish: He has lost the battle and rests on the bottom of the pool.
INT. DREAM
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people screaming as they whiz by. Michael finds himself floating in an ocean of thousands of souls. Above him a huge sacred stone seal with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him. Michael reaches out to touch the disk and as he does, the seal turns into a round dimensional gateway. He’s now looking into an ancient world where a Sorcerer stands working his evil magic. The Sorcerer turns as if he has seen Michael watching him and gives him a menacing look.
Start: Michael, his eyes closed, finds himself peacefully floating in a strange ocean of souls.
Challenging Situation: As he opens his eyes, he finds himself facing a huge ancient stone seal that is moving towards him.
Conflict: The huge stone disk (Seal) moves closer and closer, almost on top of him.
Action: The stone seal turns into a dimensional gateway that looks into an ancient world of a sorcerer. The sorcerer gives Michael a menacing and threatening look.
Finish: Michael is pulled back to reality by the voice of his older brother calling his name.
EXT. POOL – DAY
Michael’s brother, James, age 11, resuscitates him and warns him of future events to come.
Start: Michael finds himself back in the world being awakened by his brother. He’s laying on the side of the pool, his brother over him.
Challenging Situation: Michael gags on the pool water, trying to breathe.
Conflict: His brother turns Michael’s body to the side so he can expel the water.
Action: Michael expels the water and is able to breathe again.
Finish: After Michael has recovered, his brother tells him of a fantastic adventure that awaits him but requires that he must find the “Professor” (“You’ll need faith and alliances”)
ACT I:
INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Michael’s wife is standoffish as he gets ready for work. He pops more aspirin as he gets ready. His wife is worried about his continual severe headaches. She suspects that Michael is having an affair and doing something illegal on the side. Michael works a “big” deal on phone while trying to be obscure about it, raising more suspicions with his wife.
Start: Michael goes through his usual pre-work routine.
Challenging Situation: His wife is not only concerned about his abuse of painkillers, she’s internally brewing over the affair he’s having at work.
Conflict: Diane sends obscure signals that she’s upset with him about suspected affair.
Action: Michael detects her hidden anger with him while he tries to work a big deal with a friend on the phone.
Finish: Michael maneuvers his wife by avoiding her as much as possible and escapes to work.
INT. MICHAEL’S CAR – DAY
On his way to work, drives through the rioters on the street that are looting and burning buildings. He almost kills someone as they attack his car. He climbs out to see if he’s okay and he’s attacked by the protestor as he helps him up. Michael barely escapes as he notices another protestor carrying a sign that reads “Find The Professor” After he notices the sign, the protestor disappears.
Start: Michael is driving to work like he normally does.
Challenging Situation: The car passes through rioters who are burning buildings.
Conflict: Rioters attack the car and throw objects at the car.
Action: Michael maneuvers the car through the crowd and almost hits several protestors.
Finish: Michael finally gets through the violence and threat and receives messages from the other side.
INT. AMERICAN BANK – FORECLOSURE DEPT – DAY
At work an elderly woman comes to his office upset that she’s losing her home. She recognizes Michael’s last name. Turns out she lived near his mother and he and his brother used to cut her lawn. She asks about his brother. Michael says he’s dead. She talks about her dead husband and never having kids then takes out a gun from her purse. She commits suicide in front of Michael. She has an eerie, cryptic message for Michael before she fires. Secretary at work gives Michael a hard time over ending affair.
During chaos of suicide, bank workers think it’s an “Active Shooter” situation and scramble for shelter. Michael gets call from his friend, Kevin, that something went wrong with stock deal.
Start: Michael begins a usual day of work as a foreclosure specialist at the bank.
Challenging Situation: An elderly woman pulls a gun from her purse. Michael believes she will shoot him but she turns the gun on herself and commits suicide.
Conflict: Michael’s secretary creates a situation over an ended affair.
Action: The police arrive and assault Michael, believing he’s an active shooter. He gets struck in the head during the process.
Finish: Michael is released by police and later gets a phone call from friend that their stock deal has serious problems.
ACT II:
INT. LOCAL BAR – DAY
Michael stops at bar to get a drink and to get his head together. At bar, news on the bar TV talks about riots. A drunk at the bar makes jokes about the government experimenting with monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and gulps down more aspirin while downing a drink. His secretary stops in, having seen his car. She confesses that she wants his job and is really the brains behind the foreclosing success at the bank and he’s already been fired and she’s up for his job. She then tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him and she told them that Michael was probably at his hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Diane receives phone call from the FBI at home. She arrives at bar and runs into Michael’s secretary. She smells secretary and tells her that she’s smelled her perfume 5 times before in the laundry room on her husband’s clothes in the last year. Secretary corrects her “six”. She slaps the secretary.
Start: Michael tries to escape the chaos of the day and his problems.
Challenging Situation: The secretary shows up to challenge Michael over his ending the affair.
Conflict: He learns she “assisted” in developing foreclosure cases (Unethically) and informed on him to the FBI. Diane confronts Michael’s girlfriend.
Action: The FBI starts to arrest Michael and he has stroke and passes out.
Finish: Michael is carried away on stretcher to the hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
After a dream about his older brother that takes Michael into his brother’s world, his suicide, his funeral, and his father blaming him for his brother’s death. Michael awakes in hospital. His wife sits on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, lied, etc. The doctor takes Diane out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Later, Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that he’s blind in one of his eyes.
Start: Michael is in the hospital.
Challenging Situation: Doctors determine that Michael has brain cancer and is dying.
Conflict: Diane is upset with Michael for the affair and his illegal business dealings.
Action: Michael has to confront his infidelity and possibility that he is dying and a criminal.
Finish: Michael feels that something larger than him is happening and it’s connected to the Professor.
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. Michael now has a patch over his blind eye. A newspaper page wraps around her leg, almost attacking her. She freaks out as the paper fights for her attention as she tries to pull it away and put Michael in the car. The obituary page describes Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find the Professor.
Start: Diane helps Michael leave the hospital.
Challenging Situation: Michael has lost sight in one eye and one of his legs is numb. Diane must help him to the car.
Conflict: A newspaper fights for her attention to reveal Michael’s destiny.
Action: Diane freaks out as she reads Michael’s obituary to him in the car.
Finish: They leave the hospital traumatized by recent events and news.
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Diane and Michael drive several hours to the professor’s mansion in Iowa. The Obituary page is whisked away by wind before she can show anyone at the house. A dark and brooding sky warns of impending events. The Professor’s odd housekeeper believes that they are a couple of nuts and won’t let them in. Diane forces her way in while holding her child and trying to guide Michael in. They find the Professor in the kitchen with the floor covered with Corn Flakes. He’s trying to decipher a strange pattern displayed by the Corn Flakes.
Start: Michael and Diane go to the professor’s house in Iowa.
Challenging Situation: The couple is challenged by an odd housekeeper.
Conflict: Diane forces her way in to see the Professor.
Action: The Professor is trying to decipher a pattern on the floor.
Finish: Diane recognizes the pattern as “MW”, the initials of her husband’s name.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
At Professor’s mansion, they meet the young astral team. The Professor tells Michael about the stream in the astral plane. Diane doesn’t believe it. She thinks the Professor is crazy. The Professor and his team take Michael and Diane into the astral plane to show them the raging stream and the souls being captured in it.
Start: Michael and Diane are introduced to the Astral team.
Challenging Situation: Michael and Diane are told an outrageous story about souls being stolen. They are taken into the stream where Diane gets accidentally pulled into the stream.
Conflict: Diane refuses to believe it the Professor’s story and wants to immediately leave with Michael and their son.
Action: The Professor offers to show them proof…a visit to the Astral plane where Diane gets pulled in by a soul passing by. The Astral team pulls Diane to safety.
Finish: Diane and Michael are convinced that it is real and what the Professor is saying is the truth.
ACT III:
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it and leaves with Michael.
Start: Diane is told that Michael must die to enter the stream.
Challenging Situation: Michael is not ready to die and Diane is not ready to let him go.
Conflict: Thomas becomes upset that they have gone to an extreme amount of work and Michael is letting everyone down.
Action: Diane leaves with Michael. The Professor has to restrain Thomas from going after them. The Professor tells Diane and Michael that with Thomas’s device, there’s a good chance that Michael can return. Thomas gives him a strange look and later confronts him with the logic that when Michael shuts down the stream, he shuts down his way back.
Finish: They leave in their car.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family. Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through his son. They go back.
Start: Diane is driving the car away from the Professor’s mansion with Michael and her son.
Challenging Situation: Michael is dying. Mankind needs a hero.
Conflict: Diane is not ready for Michael to die and is fleeing with Michael to save him.
Action: Michael comes to the realization that he is dying and that his son’s future family depends upon him taking a chance to stop it.
Finish: Michael convinces Diane that if this crazy idea works, he will not only help their son but everyone. He doesn’t have a choice.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Michael and Diane tell Professor they will do it. Later, Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house. He finds himself back at the pool where he had drowned. His brother reveals to him that he had pushed his brother in the pool to teach him to swim. Michael had then hit his head on the edge of the pool and fell in. His brother admits that he got scared and ran. He later returned and pulled his brother out. Then, as it starts pouring down rain, his brother tells him that “..they’re watching you” as the rain turns into a swirling vortex.
Michael sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the vortex. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. He shakes his long deformed forefinger at Michael. Suddenly, the vortex transforms into headlights of a truck.
Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house.
Start: Michael leaves the mansion after seeing a vision of his brother in the rain.
Challenging Situation: Michael, with only one good eye, can barely walk with the crutches in the rain.
Conflict: He struggles to chase the vision of his brother to the pool behind the mansion.
Action: As he reaches the pool, the pool changes to the one he drowned in as a boy. He relives the drowning experience again. This time, he discovers that his brother had pushed him in, causing his drowning.
Finish: His wife saves him from being run over by a truck and takes him back to the mansion.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Michael awakes to find that his wife is not in bed. He checks in on his son who is asleep on a makeshift bed on the floor. He goes downstairs and follows a light that is on in the study. He enters and finds his wife standing near a full wall of books reading one of the Professor’s books on the Astral world. They have a conversation about what happened to them, Michael’s ambition, their desires for a family, careers, etc. Michael almost falls as he uses his crutch to steady him while moving across the room to the window. There’s a full moon. He talks while watching the moon about needing Diane to forgive him before he dies. She’s still upset with him about recent events and has no idea how she’s going to deal with the financial and legal mess he’s leaving behind. She’s having a hard time being sympathetic.
Start: Michael awakes at night.
Challenging Situation: The last night before he dies, he struggles to get forgiveness from his wife. They argue about the legacy that Michael is leaving her and his son.
Conflict: Diane can’t help being upset about the situation and it’s gonna get worse.
Action: They argue and Diane agrees to sleep on it.
Finish: They return to bed.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – LAB – DAY
Thomas stops Michael’s heart while he’s in the environmental pod. He remembers that he wanted Diane to forgive him before he died and struggles to get out as he dies. Diane lunges to the pod and demands that they stop it as he dies, missing the opportunity. Moments later, their young son, who has been standing on the stairs watching, screams out that they killed his father.
Start: Michael has his heart stopped to send him into the stream.
Challenging Situation: As Michael dies, his wife remembers his last wish and tries to stop his death. She fails.
Conflict: The son is upset at the death of his father.
Action: Diane rushes to her son to consul him to no avail.
Finish: Diane must remove her son from the lab as he’s screaming and kicking.
ACT IV:
INT. ASTRAL PLANE
Michael enters the Astral plane as a disembodied spirit. The Astral team, now disembodied spirits, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side.
Start: Michael, now dead and a soul, is drawn into the stream.
Challenging Situation: The Astral team is racing along side the stream trying to verify that Michael has entered. Except that they see other souls but not Michael.
Conflict: As they race alongside the stream trying to find Michael, one of the young Astral team members gets pulled into the raging energy stream. The others panic and report back to the Professor, who is monitoring their mission from inside the mansion.
Action: Finally, just before they think his “cord” will pull apart killing the astral team member, he is suddenly pushed back out of the stream by no other than Michael. The team member’s life is saved.
Finish: Michael is now visible in the stream. He waves and is on his way.
INT. WALKER HOUSE – DAY
Diane’s parents, concerned about their grandson, come to a hotel in town. When Diane takes her son to the hotel hoping her parents can calm him down they call the police. Using the son’s help, the Police find Michael’s body and seize it. Michael’s body is seized by the police and taken to the morgue. Diane is arrested and taken away.
Start: Diane takes Nick (her son) away from the mansion because he’s upset over the death of his father.
Challenging Situation: It’s impossible for Diane to explain what happened to Michael not only to their son but even more impossible to explain to her parents.
Conflict: Her parents call the police and the police believe they are investigating a murder or cult killing. Since Diane refuses to cooperate, the police are able to rely on Nick’s memory of where the mansion is located.
Action: The police raid the mansion and find Michael’s body in the pod. Thomas convinces the Professor to run for it while he stays with Michael’s body. The police aren’t buying any of it.
Finish: Diane and Thomas are taken away and the coroner takes Michael’s body.
ACT V:
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
The Professor escapes while Diane and Thomas have been arrested and Michael’s body has been taken to the morgue. The Professor uses his technique of creating a material representation of himself (You’ll see him do this and explain in a later episode) to materialize in the jail with a gun. He sits in a meditation position on the floor of a white work van and closes his eyes. The dust and debris in the jail swirls like a dust storm and the Professor materializes inside the police station holding a gun. He forces the police to release Diane and Thomas then jails the local sheriff’s staff. When they leave the jail, the materialization dissolves into particles on the ground. The door of a van waiting in the parking lot opens and the Professor steps out. The Professor warns Diane that if they don’t get his body back, he will not be able to return.
Start: The Professor escapes from the police at the mansion.
Challenging Situation: The Professor must quickly find a way to get Diane and Thomas out of jail and recover Michael’s body or all hope of return for Michael is gone.
Conflict: The Professor has a gun that he has also materialized as part of his astral projection trick. The staff in the sheriff’s office believes it is a real gun and cooperate.
Action: The Professor gets Diane and Thomas released from jail and they escape, while the sheriff’s staff is locked up.
Finish: Diane and Thomas escape with the Professor in an old work van.
INT. MORGUE – NIGHT
Thomas picks the lock on the back door of the morgue. The Professor makes a comment about studying lock-picking at MIT. Thomas, the Professor, and Diane enter the morgue and search out Michael’s body. They find the main refrigerated storage area that has numerous bodies covered on metal tables. As Diane lifts the sheets searching for Michael, she reveals numerous grotesque dead bodies that alarm her. After several bodies, the Professor pulls her to the side and tells her that he and Thomas will find Michael.
As they’re looking for Michael, an old janitor sees the freezer door open and closes it as he continues mopping. Thomas hears the door close and lock. He runs to it and can’t get the door open. The Professor finds Michael’s body. Diane joins the Professor as he checks Michael’s body temperature. He doesn’t like what he sees. Thomas rushes over to check Michael. The Professor tells him that they need to get Michael out of there so they can control his temperature. Thomas tells him that they’re trapped inside. Diane rushes to the door and pounds on it yelling for help. The janitor has headsets on listening to his portable radio and doesn’t hear her yelling for help. Diane pleads with Thomas and the Professor to do something. The Professor sits down, closes his eyes and crosses his legs. Diane questions why he’s sitting down and meditating at a time like this.
In the hallway, the janitor removes the mop from a bucket of water and plops the mop down on the floor. Suddenly, the water in the bucket begins churning and spinning. It spins higher and higher as it forms the professor’s body. The janitor starts to put the mop in the bucket when he realizes that the mop water is now spinning up into the air and has created a resemblance of the Professor. The Professor gets the janitor to go back and unlock the refrigeration door.
After the door is unlocked Thomas pushes Michael’s body out with Diane as the Professor comes out of his meditation. The water that was a materialization of the professor drops to the floor. A large puddle of water covers the floor. The janitor reaches down and touches it.
Start: They arrive at the morgue to get Michael’s body back.
Challenging Situation: When they find Michael’s body in the refrigeration room, they accidentally get locked in by the janitor.
Conflict: They can’t get out of the room.
Action: They must come up with a plan to get out of the locked room.
Finish: The Professor is able to project an image of himself to get the janitor to unlock the door.
INT. OCEAN OF SOULS
Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). He sees the old lady from the bank drive by his old house. She waves and stops her car. She asks him what he’s doing in Heaven. She says that she saw his brother earlier but that God came and took him away. She asks if he’s seen her husband because she can’t find him or her friends. Later, Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls by a huge syringe shaped object that appears in the sky. He runs from it, not sure what it is. As he runs, he runs past the lady he talked with earlier as she’s plucked from her car. The car vanishes as he runs down the street.
As he’s running, he finds himself running onto a battlefield in Afghanistan. Suddenly an explosion rocks the area. Michael dives to the ground. A hand gently packs him on the back. His brother’s voice assures him he’s okay. He turns to find his older brother dressed in full battle gear with his weapon. His brother asks him what he’s doing there. As he starts to explain, his brother gets off a few rounds at the enemy. As he tries to have a conversation, his brother sees one of his men go down from enemy fire. He takes off to save him and another explosion goes off. Michael runs to him to help. His brother’s leg is blown off but his brother seems calm as he starts tying a tourniquet around it. Michael tries to help tie it. Suddenly, the strange and alien syringe looking object appears in the sky and starts lowering towards them. Michael spots it and knows what it’s capable of. Michael tells his brother they have to go. His brother tells him to leave him and go. Michael doesn’t want to leave him and tells him that he loves him.
As Michael runs the device sucks him out of that world.
Start: Michael finds himself in a new reality that resembles Heaven.
Challenging Situation: Michael finds himself in a reality that is anything but Heaven.
Conflict: Michael finds himself in a war zone with his brother.
Action: Michael’s brother gets injured and Michael tries to help.
Finish: Michael is plucked from “Heaven” by some alien device.
EXT. PLANET OF SEALS – DAY
Michael is thrust into a bright light. He steps into it and instantly falls to his knees. He looks down at his hand that rests on some strange alien soil and rocks. Suddenly a snap of a whip induces a sharp pain in his back. He moans and stands. We now see his face as he It’s the shape of Michael’s head, but it’s covered with a gray leathery skin that has brown veins running all through it. Another snap of a whip registers more pain. Michael instantly grabs the whip and pulls on it. The creature snarls and yanks the whip away from Michael.
Michael is now on alien soil standing among a foreign and unfamiliar landscape. A strange grotesque creature that is black, resembling a bat, with large black wings, hovers in the air holding a whip. What is happening to Michael is happening to hundreds of other who have just arrived and are being urged to form a line down a alien landscape. In the distance are factories spewing black smoke into the air. Beyond that is a huge, black forest of trees.
Start: Michael arrives in a new reality.
Challenging Situation: Michael is in a different reality in a new synthetic skin and is being whipped by some alien creature.
Conflict: Michael grabs the whip of the creature whipping him.
Action: Michael is forced into a line of others just arriving in this world just like him.
Finish: Michael disappears into the line of others like him into a strange new alien world.
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What I learned doing this assignment is a different and simple approach to constructing a script.
Jack Young Beat Sheet
PILOT A/B/C STORIES:
A Story: Michael is a home foreclosure specialist during a world wide no-birth epidemic. Michael is being sought by the FBI for insider trading crimes, is ending an affair with his secretary, and is dying from brain cancer. He must choose to die for his son to ever have his own children. (Runs through Teaser, Act I thru Act V)
B Story: Professor Darlington discovered a possible cause of the no-birth crisis in the astral plane and needs a man willing to forfeit his life to prove his theory. By stopping Michael’s heart to send him into the strange energy stream, the professor is an accomplice to murder and is being sought by the police. (Runs through Act II thru Act V)
C Story: Thomas is a tech genius who graduated from MIT. He is a friend of the professor’s and built the containment pod that will maintain Michael’s body so that he can return to Earth. Thomas’s job is to do everything he can to protect Michael’s body while he’s gone. (Runs through Act IV thru Act V)
The following are the beats:
TEASER
INT. SWIMMING POOL – DAY
Description:
Michael, age 7, drowns and floats to the bottom of the pool.
INT. DREAM
Description:
Michael finds himself in a raging energy stream with souls of people screaming as they whiz by.
Michael finds himself floating in an ocean of thousands of souls. Above him a huge sacred stone seal with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him.
The seal turns into a gateway. He peers into an ancient world where a SORCERER stands working his evil magic. He turns as if he has seen Michael watching him.
EXT. POOL – DAY
His brother, JAMES, age 11, resuscitates him and warns him of things to come.
ACT I:
INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN DAY
Description:
Michael has a good life with wife and son although he has been eating aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches although she’s harboring some ill feelings about Michael related to his infidelity she suspects.
Michael works a “big” deal on phone while trying to be obscure about it, raising suspicions with his wife.
INT. MICHAEL’S CAR – DAY
Description:
On his way to work, we get glimpses of no-birth riots around town.
INT. AMERICAN BANK – FORECLOSURE DEPT – DAY
Description:
At work an elderly woman is upset about her house being foreclosed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She has an eerie, cryptic message for Michael.
Secretary at work subtly gives Michael a hard time over ending affair.
During chaos of suicide, bank workers think it’s an “Active Shooter” situation and scramble for shelter.
Michael gets call from his friend, Kevin, that something went wrong with stock deal.
INT. AMERICAN BANK – MAIN AREA – DAY
Description:
SWAT team arrives, sees blood on Michael and attacks him, thinking he’s the active shooter. He’s hit with the butt of a rifle.
Later, his head bandaged, he leaves for lunch and to escape chaos.
ACT II:
INT. LOCAL BAR – DAY
Description:
Michael stops at bar to get a drink and his to get his head together.
At bar, news on the bar TV talks about riots.
Old DRUNK at the bar makes jokes about the government experimenting with monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey.
Michael goes to a table and gulps down more aspirin while downing a drink.
His secretary stops in, having seen his car. She confesses that she wants his job and is really the brains behind the foreclosing success at the bank and he’s already been fired and she’s up for his job.
She then tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him and she told them that Michael was probably at his hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up.
Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses.
Diane is called by FBI at home.
She arrives at bar and runs into Michael’s secretary.
She smells secretary and tells her that she’s smelled her perfume 5 times in the laundry room in the last year. Secretary corrects her “six”. She slaps the secretary.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Description:
Michael awakes in hospital. His wife sits on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, lied, etc.
Doctor takes Diane out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer.
Later, Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is blind.
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Description:
Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps around her leg. The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find Professor. (Why does he think he needs to see him? Need event to tie them together)
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Description:
Diane and Michael arrive at the professor’s mansion. The Obituary page is whisked away by wind before she can show professor.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Description:
At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
INT. ASTRAL PLANE – DAY
Description:
The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane and shows them the raging stream and souls captured in it.
ACT III:
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Description:
Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it and leaves with Michael.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Description:
Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family.
Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through his son. They go back.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – LAB – NIGHT
Description:
Michael and Diane tell Professor they will do it. Thomas preps Michael for the journey.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Description:
Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house.
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – NIGHT
Description:
In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the portal. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck.
Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – LAB – DAY
Description:
Michael dies and is thrust into the stream.
ACT IV:
INT. MICHAEL’S MIND
Description:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body.
INT. ASTRAL PLANE
Description:
Michael enters the Astral plane.
The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side.
INT. WALKER HOUSE – DAY
Description:
When parents arrive they call police.
INT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Description:
Using the son’s help, the Police find Michael’s body and seize it.
Michael’s body is seized by the police. Diane is arrested.
ACT V:
EXT. DARLINGTON MANSION – DAY
Description:
The professor escapes the police.
INT. COUNTY JAIL – DAY
Description:
Thomas and the Professor break Diane out of jail.
The Professor warns Diane that if they don’t get his body back, he will not be able to return.
INT. MORGUE – NIGHT
Description:
They steal Michael’s body back.
INT. OCEAN OF SOULS
Description:
Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven).
Later, Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls.
EXT. PLANET OF SEALS – DAY
Description:
Michael steps from a “skinning” chamber. He is encased in a new gray-colored synthetic “Skin”.
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Jack Young’s Setting Up The Future
What I learned doing this assignment is that we need to setup in our pilot what the viewer can hopefully expect to be answered or can look forward to if they decide to continue watching after the pilot episode. The ones below become so important to the story that the viewer can expect complete episodes dedicated to filling in the viewer as to how the big story came about.
Ocean of souls: We are exposed to the “Ocean of Souls” in the teaser that leads into the pilot episode. The Ocean of Souls is a recurring reality that souls find themselves while believing they have landed in Heaven, the Ocean of Souls in reality is just a landing pad/holding tank that souls are held before they are plucked out and put into a worker skin.
Sacred stone seal: We are exposed to the stone sacred seals in the teaser leading into the pilot episode. The Sacred Seals are six seals found on the planet of seals where all of the souls are bound for. Michael will discover the seals in future episodes and will come to understand that the seals being removed is the real threat to mankind.
Sorcerer: The Sorcerer is revealed initially in the teaser when Michael gets a peek into an ancient and evil world of a sorcerer. The Sorcerer’s story and origin appears in future episodes and becomes a major player in the kingdom of Cronus.
No-birth riots: We are exposed to no-birth riots in the pilot in the course of Michael’s life. The no-birth riots reflect the chaos being caused by the stream stealing souls and are recurring throughout the series.
Government experimenting: We are exposed to this concept in the pilot via a news broadcast reflecting the role of the government during the no-birth epidemic. We will see more involvement of the government in research and experimentation to solve the crisis and when they finally involve homeland security and send their own team into the Stream.
Michael has terminal brain cancer: Michael’s brain cancer is discovered in later episodes but is hinted at when he continually fights very severe headaches in the pilot episode. It will become a contributing factor in his decision to die and enter the stream in later episodes.
The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane: This is a major turning event where the audience is introduced to the potential cause of the no-birth epidemic. The Stream will play a major role in not only season one but will play a role for seasons to follow.
Warrant for Michael’s arrest: Michael’s crime of insider training will complicate matters of his travel into the stream when the FBI conducts a manhunt for Michael at the very same time that his wife and the professor are busy trying to keep his body at the proper temperature that will hopefully allow his return to his body after his mission is complete.
Michael’s relationship with his brother; Michael’s relationship with the brother who committed suicide begins in the pilot with Michael’s drowning and appears in later episodes as Michael relives his experiences (good and bad) of his life with his brother. Michael will also be reunited with his brother in the other world in future episodes.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that creating empathy and/or distress for our characters is integral to getting viewers to binge watch our show.
Jack Young’s Adding Empathy/Distress
Act 1:
Michael has a good life with wife and son although he eats aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches. Has mysterious phone call with his buddy and keeps wife from hearing it, but it sounds like a big money making opportunity. On his way to work, we get glimpses of riots (No-birth). At work an old woman is upset about her house being repossessed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She, too, has eerie, cryptic message for Michael. Secretary at work is upset with Michael about affair he’s having with her. During chaos of suicide and secretary being upset, he gets call from buddy that deal went bad. Michael leaves for lunch while on phone with friend. He finds out that the FBI has shown up at his buddy’s work with warrant for insider trading.
Empathy/Distress:
Michael’s Affair: It becomes obvious that his secretary is distressed over an affair that she’s having (or had) with Michael as Michael tries to pretend it never happened.
Michael’s Friend: Michael’s best friend is distressed on the phone because some business dealing that he got Michael in to are going bad in real time.
More Distress Added: I’m looking at amping up distress and empathy from the audience with adding a client (on older woman) who Michael is the foreclosing agent on. She’s so distressed that she pulls a gun from her purse and shoots herself right in his office.
Act II:
Michael stops at bar to get a drink and his head together. He sees cop cars go by. AT bar, news talks about ongoing no-birth crisis. Old guy makes jokes about test using monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and eats aspirin like candy. Girlfriend stops in and they have fight. She tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him. I told them you were probably at your old hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Michael is in hospital. His wife is on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, etc. Doctor takes Michael out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is blind. Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps around her leg. The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find Professor. At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
Empathy/Distress:
Michael’s Affair 1: So to really distress the situation at the bar where Michael has retreated to after the office ordeal, I have his secretary show up to continue persecuting him for ending the affair, and to drop the news that she informed the FBI where they could find him.
Michael’s Affair 2: To further distress the situation, I have the FBI call his wife and have her come to the bar. She gets to see her husband get carted off to the hospital as well as the opportunity to meet his girlfriend, who she knows about because she’s smelled her perfume on his laundry 5 times in the last year. I create further distress by having her confront the girlfriend with this fact and then slap her.
Michael’s Headaches: Diane is distressed not only by the fact that Michael has been found to have terminal brain cancer, but she gets an supernatural warning from a newspaper obituary page drifting in the wind that wraps around her leg that Michael dies in three days.
Act III:
Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream (First time he hears that he must die). Diane is against it and leaves with Michael in car (Son is asleep in car). Michael wants to be forgiven (She resists here) and realizes NOW that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family. Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through their son. They go back and agree. Thomas preps for the journey. Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house. In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the portal. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck. Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house. Michael goes into the stream. Wife forgets to forgive him.
Empathy/Distress:
We feel empathy for Michael as he pleads for Diane to forgive him for hurting her since he is destined to die shortly. She resists but not for the reasons he believes. She resists because she’s guilty of the same, having had an affair with his deceased brother years before.
She adds to the distress by forgetting to forgive him before he dies.
We feel empathy for Michael as he never got her to forgive him for his deeds.
Act IV:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Their son freaks out after seeing father die in the pod. When Diane’s parents arrive they call police. Using the son’s help, the police find Michael’s body and seize it.
Empathy/Distress:
We feel empathy for the young son who witnesses them killing his father to send him into the stream.
We feel distressed and empathy for the parents when they discover Michael is dead and their grandson witnessed it.
We feel empathy for the police as they have to interrogate the young boy because Diane won’t cooperate.
Act V:
The professor escapes and manages to get Diane out of jail. They steal Michael’s body back with Thomas’s help. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”.
Empathy/Distress:
We empathize with the Professor and Thomas as they make efforts to keep possession of Michael’s dead body in hopes of him returning at some point.
We empathize with Michael as a machine plucks him from Heaven.
We’re distressed and empathize with Michael as he finds himself on an alien planet, no longer human but a soul encapsulated in an artificial skin.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that mysteries keep the audience interested and watching the series. I felt confident from the beginning that having plenty of mysteries and open loops wouldn’t be a problem with telling this story.
Jack Young’s Open Loops and Mysteries
Act 1:
Michael has a good life with wife and son although he eats aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches. Has mysterious phone call with his buddy and keeps wife from hearing it, but it sounds like a big money making opportunity. On his way to work, we get glimpses of riots (No-birth). At work an old woman is upset about her house being repossessed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She, too, has eerie, cryptic message for Michael. Secretary at work is upset with Michael about affair he’s having with her. During chaos of suicide and secretary being upset, he gets call from buddy that deal went bad. Michael leaves for lunch while on phone with friend. He finds out that the FBI has shown up at his buddy’s work with warrant for insider trading.
Main Mystery:
What kind of shady stock deal did Michael get into?
Sub-Mysteries:
Is Michael having an affair with the secretary?
Main Open Loop:
Why are people rioting in the streets and how does this relate to Michael?
Sub-Open Loops:
Act II:
Michael stops at bar to get a drink and his head together. He sees cop cars go by. AT bar, news talks about ongoing no-birth crisis. Old guy makes jokes about test using monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and eats aspirin like candy. Girlfriend stops in and they have fight. She tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him. I told them you were probably at your old hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Michael is in hospital. His wife is on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, etc. Doctor takes Michael out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is blind. Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps around her leg. The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find Professor. At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
Main Mystery:
What major events are playing out in society as Michael’s life is falling apart?
Sub-Mysteries:
What major medical problem is Michael going through?
Main Open Loop:
Everything seems to be guiding Michael towards the professor.
Sub-Open Loops:
Michael seems to be destined to die. How is this connected to the Stream and the no-birth crisis?
Act III:
Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it and leaves with Michael in car. Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes NOW that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family. Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through their son. They go back and agree. Thomas preps for the journey. Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house. In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the portal. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck. Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house. Michael goes into the stream. Wife forgets to forgive him.
Main Mystery:
What is the Stream and will Michael die and go into it?
Sub-Mysteries:
1) Will Michael be forgiven by his wife before he dies?
2) Who is the mysterious man that Michael saw in the portal in his vision?
Main Open Loop:
Michael enters the Stream. What will happen now?
Sub-Open Loops:
Act IV:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Son freaks out after seeing father die in the pod. When Diane’s parents arrive they call police. Using the son’s help, the police find Michael’s body and seize it.
Main Mystery:
??? (will need to consider mysteries here)
Sub-Mysteries:
??? (will need to consider mysteries here)
Main Open Loop:
Diane forgot to forgive Michael. Will she ever get the opportunity again?
Sub-Open Loops:
What happens if they can’t protect Michael’s body?
Act V:
The professor escapes and manages to get Diane out of jail. They steal Michael’s body back with Thomas’s help. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”.
Main Mystery:
Need to develop mysteries for this act)
Sub-Mysteries:
What is the machine that is plucking souls from Heaven?
Main Open Loop:
1) Has Michael really seen a glimpse of Heaven?
2) Where has Michael arrived?
3) What has Michael become?
Sub-Open Loops:
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that stacking intrigue is the hardest element of this class that I have ran into. I don’t know why, but for me, this was very difficult. I understand the concept that we need to feed bits of what’s coming to the viewer then drop the turning point on them. Harder to do than it appears. I did find that in act I it was easier to do and I feel that it did add more intrigue. I didn’t want to hit the viewer over the head with the fact that he was having an affair or had gotten involved some shady stock deal so this approach helped.
Jack Young’s Stacks Intrigue for “Stream”
Teaser: Michael drowns as a young boy and sees the ocean of souls and the seals. The seal turns into a gateway. He peers into an ancient world where the sorcerer stands working his evil. He turns as if he has seen Michael peer into his world. His brother wakes him and is cryptic about the future (The ancient one has seen you).
Act 1:
Essence: Michael has a good life with wife and son although he eats aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches. Has mysterious phone call with his buddy and keeps wife from hearing it, but it sounds like a big money making opportunity. On his way to work, we get glimpses of riots (No-birth). At work an old woman is upset about her house being repossessed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She has eerie, cryptic message for Michael. Secretary at work is upset with Michael about affair he’s having with her. During chaos of suicide and secretary being upset, he gets call from buddy that deal went bad. Michael leaves for lunch while on phone with friend. He finds out that the FBI has shown up at his buddy’s work with warrant for insider trading.
Stacked intrigue elements:
1) Has mysterious phone call with his buddy
2) Michael gets call from buddy that deal went bad
3) FBI has shown up at his buddy’s work
Turning Point: Michael has warrant out for his arrest.
Act II:
Essence: Michael stops at bar to get a drink and get his head together. AT bar, we get a glimpse of the no-birth crisis on the news. An old drunk makes jokes about test using monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Girlfriend stops in and they have fight as Michael pops more aspirin. She tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him. She told them that he was probably at his old hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Michael finds himself in the hospital. His wife is on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, etc. Doctor takes Michael out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is now blind. Diane helps Michael to the car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps mysteriously around her leg. The obituary page shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find the Professor. At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
Stacked intrigue elements:
1) Old guy makes jokes about test using monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey
2) Professor explains his theory of what caused the no-birth.
3) The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days.
4) Michael says he needs to find Professor.
Midpoint: The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane and shows them the raging stream and souls captured in it.
Act III:
Essence: Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream (First time he hears that he must die). Diane is against it and leaves with Michael in car (Son is asleep in car). Michael wants to be forgiven (She resists here) and realizes NOW that without someone going into stream, their son won’t be able to have a family. Michael tells Diane to stop and talks to her about their family going on through their son. They go back and agree. Thomas preps for the journey. Michael has a vision where he sees his dead brother and follows him from the house. In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the portal. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck. Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife. Michael and Diane return to the Professor’s house. Michael goes into the stream. Wife forgets to forgive him.
Stacked intrigue elements:
1) Professor reveals that the only way into the stream is to die.
2) Michael wants to be forgiven for what he did to brother and wife.
3) A mystical world where there exists a sorcerer is revealed
4) When Michael dies, his wife forgets to forgive him.
Turning Point: Michael dies and is thrust into the stream.
Act IV:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Son freaks out after seeing father die in the pod. When Diane’s parents arrive they call police. Using the son’s help, the police find Michael’s body and seize it.
Stacked intrigue elements:
1) Son freaks out after seeing father die
2) Parents call police
3) Son leads police to body
4) Michael is shoved into pool by older brother, hits head, and drowns.
5) Michael is pulled into a war scene in Middle East and sees his brother in combat. He experiences the horror of war.
6) Michael’s brother reminds him of the importance of alliances and faith.
Turning Point: The Professor warns that if they don’t get his body back, Michael will not be able to return.
Act V:
Essence: The professor escapes and manages to get Diane out of jail. They steal Michael’s body back with Thomas’s help. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”.
Stacked intrigue elements:
1) Michael’s body is on verge of being destroyed.
2) Thomas fights to control Michael’s body temp
3) Michael thinks he’s in Heaven
4) Strange machine plucks out souls from Heaven
5) Telltale signs reveal it’s not Heaven before Michael is “plucked” out
6) Michael reappears in new reality with new synthetic skin
Lock In/Cliffhanger: Michael arrives on the planet in an artificial skin. (Not city of seals)
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Jack Young’s Layers and Reveals for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more dramatic moments (reveals) and layers we add, the more we will capture the viewer. I have added layers/reveals below to the outline:
Teaser: Michael drowns as a young boy. He has flashes of a raging energy stream with souls of people screaming as they whiz by. Then he finds himself floating in an ocean of souls. Above him a huge sacred stone seal with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him. The seal turns into a gateway. He peers into an ancient world where a sorcerer stands working his evil magic. He turns as if he has seen Michael watching him. His brother resuscitates him and gives him a cryptic message about his future.
Act 1:
Essence: Michael has a good life with wife and son although he has been eating aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches. On his way to work, we get glimpses of riots (No-birth). At work an elderly woman is upset about her house being repossessed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She, too, has eerie, cryptic message for Michael (“You’ll be coming soon.”). Secretary at work is upset with Michael about ending his affair with her. During chaos of suicide and secretary being upset, he gets call from his friend, Kevin, that his stock deal went bad. Michael leaves for lunch while the police wrap up the suicide scene.
Turning Point: Michael’s stock deal goes bad
Reveals/Layers:
1) During drive to work, we get a reveal of the chaos in the streets created by the no-birth crisis. (Layer)
2) Secretary is upset in office and reveals affair with Michael. (Reveal)
3) Friend Kevin calls with bad news about trading deal being suspended. Reveals Michael used insider information to buy stock. (Reveal)
Act II:
Essence: Michael stops at bar to get a drink and his to get his head together. Police cars whiz by. At bar, news on the bar TV talks about ongoing no-birth crisis. Old guy at the bar makes jokes about the government experimenting with monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and gulps down more aspirin while downing a drink. His girlfriend stops in and they have fight. She tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him. She told them Michael was probably at his hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Michael is in hospital. His wife is on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, etc. Doctor takes Michael out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is blind. Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps around her leg. The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find Professor. At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
Midpoint: The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane and shows them the raging stream and souls captured in it.
Reveals/Layers:
1) News in bar reveals desperation over the no-birth crisis. (Layer)
2) His girlfriend stops in bar and reveals that FBI has warrant for Michael’s arrest. (He hasn’t talked with his buddy until NOW). (Reveal)
3) Girlfriend is revealed to wife when she arrives at bar. Cop calls girlfriend his “wife” (Reveal)
4) Buddy tells Michael that he created problem by getting greedy and buying too much stock.
5) Doctor reveals that headaches are associated with advanced brain cancer. (Reveal)
6) Mysterious obituary reveals Michael will die in 3 days. (Reveal)
7) The astral world and the Stream are revealed to Michael and Diane. (Reveal)
Act III:
Essence: Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it. Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes NOW that without someone going into stream, their son won’t have a family. Thomas preps Michael for the journey. Michael thinks that he sees his dead brother and follows. In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appear through the portal. The ancient sorcerer looks directly at Michael. Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck. Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife.
Turning Point: Michael dies and is thrust into the stream.
Reveals/Layers:
1) Professor reveals that the only way into the stream is to die. (Reveal)
2) A mystical world where there exists a sorcerer is revealed (Reveal/Layer)
Act IV:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. When parents arrive they call police. Using the son’s help, they find Michael’s body and seize it.
Turning Point: Michael’s body is seized by the police. The Professor warns that if they don’t get his body back, he will not be able to return.
Reveals/Layers:
1) Michael’s relationship with his brother as a youth and in the troubling times are revisited by Michael. (Layer)
2) Michael’s brother warns him of eminent danger that awaits him. (Reveal)
Act V:
Essence: The professor escapes and manages to get Diane out of jail. They steal Michael’s body back. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”.
Turning Point/Cliffhanger: Michael arrives on the planet in an artificial skin. (Not city of seals)
Reveals/Layers:
1) Michael thinks he’s in Heaven but it gets revealed that it’s merely a holding tank. (Reveal)
2) It’s revealed as to what is at the other end of the stream. (Reveal/Layer)
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Jack Young’s Character Story Lines
What I learned doing this assignment is that we need to map out our characters before winding them up to tell their story so we have solid beats to hit. This hopefully will result in a more engrossing story for the viewer.
Beginning, middle, and end of the character’s story for the pilot:
FOR MICHAEL:
Beginning: Michael goes to work. He sees a woman commit suicide. Stock deal goes bad.
Turning Point: He finds out FBI is after him.
Midpoint: Michael finds out he has brain cancer at hospital. TV Program with Professor plays over and over.
Turning Point 2: Michael sees the Stream with wife. Pulls her out with professor when she gets pulled in.
Major Conflict: He finds out that he must die to go into the Stream.
Ending: Michael dies and goes into Stream.
(Dilemma is optional.) They must keep Michael’s body from police for Michael to return.
FOR THE PROFESSOR:
Beginning: Professor warns public of the Stream on TV.
Turning Point: Professor receives cryptic message that Michael Walker is candidate. He’s shown newspaper that whisks away from his hand.
Midpoint: Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane to see the Stream.
Turning Point 2: Professor tells Michael that he must kill him to get into the Stream.
Major Conflict: Professor doesn’t believe that Michael has real chance to return. He gets into argument with Thomas about the chance of returning if Stream is shut down.
Ending: Professor stops Michael’s heart.
(Dilemma is optional.) Michael’s body must be maintained by machine.
FOR DIANE:
Beginning: Diane makes breakfast and obviously is aware of Michael’s affair (She takes last of coffee and toast. She’s “offish” with him.). Suspects Michael is up to something with his phonecall.
Turning Point: Diane is called to go to bar where he collapsed. Sees his girlfriend there making report. FBI tells her about warrant.
Midpoint: She goes to hospital to find out that Michael has brain cancer and is dying. Diane sees a mysterious newspaper with Michael’s obituary foreshadowing his death. She puts it in her purse.
Turning Point 2: Diane goes into astral plane to see Stream. She gets caught up in Stream.
Major Conflict: Michael has his heart stopped. Diane forgets to forgive him.
Ending: Son sees his father die and freaks out. She tries to console him.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Jack Young’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of the pilot episode. For without a compelling pilot episode, viewers won’t tune in to watch the others.
Main beats of that Inciting Incident:
Intriguing Concept: Souls are being stolen by an unknown force
Act 1: Michael’s life is starting to fall apart at work, at home.
Midpoint: Michael and Diane are taken into the astral plane to see the energy stream that is stealing souls as proof.
Lock In: Michael dies and goes into the Stream.
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Jack Young’s Big Picture Components
What I learned doing this assignment is this TV series format is a lot more complex than you know. I’m used to writing screenplays (Having written over 4 dozen) and have never ever taken this thorough a dive into the layers of the script like this. Sometimes it’s a little confusing to me with whether I need to create layers or open loops in which to make the story richer and add more depth. I’m trying not to get bogged down with analyzing too many things, but am excited to begin building a very detailed outline for the pilot episode.
SERIES INFO:
Worlds: An apocalyptic Earth that is in the aftermath of a world wide no-birth epidemic that has caused the collapse of the financial institutions and business communities, the Astral Plane, a mystical world of Astral traveling between Earth and other planes of existence, and the Planet of Seals that is home to six mammoth sacred seals that keep an unimaginable evil at bay.
Main mystery: Why is an unknown energy stream stealing souls from the Earth?
Impossible Goal: Turn off the energy stream.
Main Conflict: Michael vs. Cronus
Second Mystery: What is under the seals?
Season 1 Arc: Can Michael become the leader that is needed to save the planet?
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Can Michael quiet his inner demons and forgive himself?
2. Tell us the basic Pilot Info:
PILOT INFO:
Pilot Conflict: Can Michael enter the Stream before the FBI arrests him?
Characters Introduced: Michael, Diane (wife), the Professor (Scientist), Thomas (MIT Engineer), Johnny (Brother), Harry Miles (Homeland Security).
Inciting Incident of Season 1: Michael dies and enters the Stream.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that what I had originally conceived as a pilot was way out of whack with a structure that will pull the viewer in and entertain them. The assignment helped to identify the turning points and the 5 acts. It also got me thinking about the teaser and what would let the viewer know what they were in store for in future episodes.
Jack Young’s Pilot Structure for “STREAM”
What are the Acts in Pilot?
Teaser: Michael drowns as a young boy and sees the ocean of souls and the seals. The seal turns into a gateway. He peers into an ancient world where the sorcerer stands working his evil. He turns as if he has seen Michael peer into his world. His brother wakes him and is cryptic about the future (The ancient one has seen you).
Act 1:
Essence: Michael has a good life with wife and son although he eats aspirin like candy. His wife is worried about his severe headaches. Has phone call with his buddy and keeps wife from hearing it, but it sounds like a big money making opportunity. On his way to work, we get glimpses of riots (No-birth). At work an old woman is upset about her house being repossessed and commits suicide in front of Michael. She, too, has eerie, cryptic message for Michael. Secretary at work is upset with Michael about affair he’s having with her. During chaos of suicide and secretary being upset, he gets call from buddy that deal went bad. Michael leaves for lunch while on phone with friend. He finds out that the FBI has shown up at his buddy’s work with warrant for insider trading.
Turning Point: Michael has warrant out for his arrest.
Act II:
Essence: Michael stops at bar to get a drink and his head together. He sees cop cars go by. AT bar, news talks about ongoing no-birth crisis. Old guy makes jokes about test using monkeys to create babies that are half-human and half monkey. Michael goes to a table and eats aspirin like candy. Girlfriend stops in and they have fight. She tells him that the FBI came by work to arrest him. I told them you were probably at your old hangout. As she finishes, the FBI pulls up. Michael tries to run out the back and runs into the FBI. His headache rages to the point where he collapses. Michael is in hospital. His wife is on the edge of the bed going over how Michael lost all of their funds, had an affair, broke the law, etc. Doctor takes Michael out of room to tell her that Michael has terminal brain cancer. Michael watches a show on TV with the Professor explaining his theory of what caused the no-birth. He tries to change the channel but he’s on every channel. He realizes that one of his eyes is blind. Diane helps Michael to car as debris blows down street. A paper wraps around her leg. The obituary shows Michael’s death in 3 days. Michael says he needs to find Professor. At professor’s house, they meet astral team and he tells Michael about the stream. Diane doesn’t believe it.
Midpoint: The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the astral plane and shows them the raging stream and souls captured in it.
Act III:
Essence: Michael and Diane stay at professor’s house. Michael and Diane are told that he must die to enter stream. Diane is against it. Michael wants to be forgiven and realizes NOW that without someone going into stream, their son won’t have a family. Thomas preps Michael for the journey. Michael thinks that he sees his dead brother and follows. In the pouring rain, he sees the ancient one (sorcerer) appears through the portal. The ancient one moves closer to him and says “Be wary when you peer into my world, mortal. I’ll rip out your soul and make a piss bucket from it” Suddenly, the portal turns into headlights of a truck. Someone grabs him and pulls him to safety. It’s his wife.
Turning Point: Michael dies and is thrust into the stream.
Act IV:
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. When parents arrive they call police. Using the son’s help, they find Michael’s body and seize it.
Turning Point: Michael’s body is seized by the police. The Professor warns that if they don’t get his body back, he will not be able to return.
Act V:
Essence: The professor escapes and manages to get Diane out of jail. They steal Michael’s body back. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”.
Lock In/Cliffhanger: Michael arrives on the planet in an artificial skin. (Not city of seals)
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Jack Young’s Visually Appealing Bible for “STREAM”
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What I learned doing this assignment is adding relevant graphics can enhance our storytelling and help to convey the essence of our TV Pitch. As I started converting my TV Pitch to graphics, I found places (again) where sentences didn’t add anything to the story. I removed and rewrote some of the material that wasn’t interesting enough. I have requested a review from Dimitri to see how the TV Pitch works. Personally, I’m happy with the pitch and how it turned out. I need a second opinion though to see what can be fine tuned.
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What I learned doing this assignment is the TV Pitch Bible requires a lot of work. What we are used to in terms of editing and rewriting has to be reexamined in terms of how producers and show runners read a possible TV show. I continue to make improvements that I hope will hook one of these and have come up with a title page design that is simple and conveys the essence of the TV series.
Jack Young’s Edited TV Pitch Bible for “STREAM”
STREAM
An Original Series by Jackie Young
GENRE: SCI-FI
FORMAT: Episodic 8×60’
CONCEPT:
A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.
WORLD:
There are several unexplored worlds in this show; A mystical world of Astral traveling where souls have been hijacked into an energy Stream within the Astral plane. The Ocean of Souls is a reality that mimics Heaven but is actually a holding tank for souls. The Planet of Seals is a planet that is home to six mammoth sacred seals that keep an unimaginable evil at bay. Inhabitants of the planet, to include old skins (kidnapped humans) and new skins (souls encased in synthetic skins) serve only as a labor force to remove the seals. Cronus delights in encasing new souls (unborn babies) in devices, machines, utilities, musical instruments, and other creatures in creating a bizarre world that serves his needs and delights.
SUMMARY:
Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s suicide haunts him with his father blaming him for his death.
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines worsen. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!
Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life.
Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a swimming pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael, for a short time, died that day and had a fantastical vision of himself floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk, the size of a football field, with ancient scribes and symbols on it. The instant he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him. Michael soon discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer. Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it.
Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream. But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself.
After some training by the team in Astral Projection, the Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, mesmerized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.
The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, Michael’s migraines intensify and he loses sight in one eye. Michael confesses his infidelities and regrets. Diane holds back as Michael pleads that she forgive him before he dies.
Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, finishes testing the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey into the Stream.
How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly climb into an experimental chamber to have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer. When he nearly drowned as a child, he saw his destiny.
CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:
MICHAEL WALKER:
Michael used to think of himself as a family man and a caring and loving brother. Feeling responsible for his brother’s death and having witnessed a client commit suicide at work have caused Michael to lose faith and become distanced from his family. He takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect his family during the unprecedented no-birth crisis that has swept the world for 5 years. With a FBI warrant out for his arrest for insider trading violations, Michael is now a criminal.
PROFESSOR ALBERT DARLINGTON:
The Professor is a mentor to Michael on his journey into the Stream. He’s an expert in the field of Astral travel and has a specialized team of college students that he also mentors. His theory that the Stream is the cause of the no-birth epidemic is not accepted in the scientific community and the Government thinks he’s a quack. The Professor is determined to prove his theory and stop the epidemic. The problem is that it requires someone to die to prove his theory.
The Professor is secretly designing a device that disconnects the human soul from the body. He plans to use it to take his own Astral journey to look for his wife in the hereafter who suddenly died several years earlier. The Professor knows that the chances of Michael returning home once the Stream has been shut down are slim to none but he will withhold this truth in order to convince Michael to die and enter the Stream.
DIANE WALKER:
Diane is Michael’s wife and mother to his 5-year old son, Nicholas. She does her best to cherish and protect her son during the no-birth epidemic that has been raging for 5 years. Her son is one of the last children born before the no-birth epidemic began. She suspects that Michael has been having an affair but doesn’t want confrontation. She, of course, has her own secrets such as the fact that she had a brief affair with Michael’s older brother before he died and, unknown to Michael, was the last one with his brother before he intentionally overdosed. She allows the lie to perpetuate that Michael was the last person to see his brother alive. She wants for her son to grow up in a better world and wants to feel safe again. She feels powerless to fix her life and world. She’s got more guts than anyone would have guessed. When she learns the truth that Michael has no way home after shutting down the Stream, she goes into the Stream after him to bring him back.
CRONUS
Cronus is a hybrid human made of human DNA (From an alien captured human specimen) and alien DNA. He is a chameleon. He can have a handsome and seductive form one instant and a horrifying alien form with piercing appendages when irritated. Cronus is a complicated creature that is evil, sadistic, cunning, and sometimes depraved. Cronus is not without his own weaknesses and faults that derive from his human side. He rules his kingdom with an iron hand with only one mission in mind; the removal of the sacred seals that have been in place since the beginning of the universe and keep the most evil elements of the universe at bay. The evil behind the seals will make him the most powerful creature in the universe.
HARRY MILES
Harry is an agent at the department of Homeland Security Agency. Harry is your typical Boy Scout. Harry was assigned the investigation into the no-birth epidemic and is investigating the Professor’s connection to the epidemic. He became involved when Michael’s death was reported and involved the FBI because of Michael’s body crossing state lines. Harry, like many other people, has been touched by the no-birth epidemic. Harry has a teen daughter and was expecting his first boy, but he was born stillborn like all of the other babies born during the epidemic. Harry is the type of man that feels that it is essential for the bloodline to go on. Harry and his team will ultimately come to the same decision that the Professor has come to, some intelligence has created an energy stream that is stealing souls from Earth and creating the no-birth epidemic. Harry will lead the effort to create a government team made up of Army warfighters and him as team leader that will also go into the Stream in an effort to shut it down. Harry must inform his team that even with their bodies in environmentally controlled pods, the chances of returning from this mission is very low.
SEASON I, EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS:
EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over
As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home of an old woman, she pulls a gun from her purse and shoots herself right in front of him. Michael gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.
EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story
During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate the darkness that looms over his kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning evil and creating soulless creatures that has thrown the kingdom into the Dark Ages. The Sorcerer is killed during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. During the chaos, the elder son kills his brother over an affair he had with his wife. Upon his return, the king kills his traitorous son for killing his favorite son. Again, with the Sorcerer vanquished the darkness parts for sunshine over the kingdom.
EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fail
Aliens arrive on the planet of seals. The Aliens discover the seals are a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on the planet. Evil infiltrates the ship and causes the pregnancy of the human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.
EPISODE IV: And Then There Were Skins
Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer’s body is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops a plan to raise the six Sacred Seals using slave labor from other planets. The Sorcerer helps the Aliens to bring human workers to the planet through a wormhole. Tired of the limitations of the human body, the Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for synthetic slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.
EPISODE V: Anomaly in the Astral Plane
A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their astral activities. The Professor mentors them on Astral Projection and recruits them into an Astral team. The Professor reveals his introduction to and dark secrets of Astral Projection. The Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. The Professor believes that the Stream is connected to the no-birth epidemic and is ridiculed by science community.
EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.
EPISODE VII: MIT Didn’t Prepare Me for This
Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.
EPISODE VIII: Soul Man
The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.
FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:
SEASON I: Heaven’s Just a Heartbeat Away
Michael finds himself in a journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream that is creating the no-birth epidemic. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from a reality that resembles Heaven and finds himself in a leathery synthetic skin on a strange planet.
SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…
Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around six mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. According to an old man they call the “Scriber” the removal of the seals will plunge the universe into the age of evil, with Cronus at the helm. Michael searches for answers about the Stream and Seals while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife. The government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic. Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls. The Homeland Security preps their team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.
SEASON III: Pieces of God
Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus as Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing the dissidence and removing the final seals. War is on the horizon. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny that he has been chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream. The revelation that the Ocean of Souls gives Michael the power of God will become Michael’s secret weapon to defeat Cronus.
SEASON IV: Son of Cronus
Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted.
The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.
SEASON V: We’re Going to Need Bigger Skins
The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies battle against the rebel forces being led by Michael. Meanwhile, the Sorcerer has developed a new weapon that can disconnect the human soul. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals be removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that with some brainstorming of titles for our episodes and season titles, we can find more intriguing and interesting titles for our TV Pitch Bible.
Jack Young’s) Episode Titles for “STREAM”
I have brainstormed titles and added those to the originally titled episodes and season titles below:
EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over
Conflict: The Bill’s Come Due
Journey: Michael Crosses Over
Dilemma: Jail or Heaven
Issue faced: All Roads Lead to the Stream
Irony: Things Aren’t Quite Working out for Michael
Threat to hero: Michael Must Die
Discovery: Michael Faces his Destiny
As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home of an old woman, she pulls a gun from her purse and shoots herself right in front of him. Michael gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.
EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story.
Conflict: Light Versus Dark
Journey: A Sorcerer’s Discovery
Dilemma: Good Prince, Bad Prince
Issue faced: The Dark Ages Cometh
Irony: A Brothers’ Love
Hero’s challenging situation: How to Kill a Sorcerer
Threat to hero: The Evil Begins
Discovery: How to Capture a Soul
During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate the darkness that looms over his kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning evil and creating soulless creatures that has thrown the kingdom into the Dark Ages. The Sorcerer is killed during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. During the chaos, the elder son kills his brother over an affair he had with his wife. Upon his return, the king kills his traitorous son for killing his favorite son. Again, with the Sorcerer vanquished the darkness parts for sunshine over the kingdom.
EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fails
Conflict: Alien Vs. Pure Evil
Journey: A Long Way From Heaven
Dilemma: You Should Have Stayed in Your Own Galaxy
Issue faced: You’re Way Out of Your League
Irony: And You Thought It’d be Easy
Aliens arrive on the planet of seals. The Aliens discover the seals are a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on the planet. Evil infiltrates the ship and causes the pregnancy of the human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.
EPISODE IV: Cronus is Born
Conflict: Cronus Rises to Power
Journey: And Then There Were Skins
Dilemma: City of Seals or Bust
Issue faced: Lift The Seals and Unleash The Evil
Irony: Where’s the Union Rep When You Need One
Threat to hero: Michael’s Nightmare is Realized
Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer’s body is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops a plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals using slave labor from other planets. The Sorcerer helps the Aliens to bring human workers to the planet through a wormhole. Tired of the limitations of the human body, the Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for synthetic slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.
EPISODE V: The Professor’s Stories of the Astral World
Conflict: An Anomaly in the Astral Plane
Journey: The Stream
Dilemma: Stolen Souls
Issue faced: Give Those Souls Back
Irony: So Much for Having Fun in the Astral Plane
Hero’s challenging situation: The Professor’s Discovery
Threat to hero: One Piece of the Puzzle Revealed
Discovery: We Found the Problem and it’s Trying to Steal My Soul
A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their astral activities. The Professor mentors them on Astral Projection and recruits them into an Astral team. The Professor reveals his introduction to and dark secrets of Astral Projection. The Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. The Professor believes that the Stream is connected to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community.
EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?
Conflict: Michael Dies and Gets a New Skin
Journey: Journey to the Other Side
Dilemma: Now That You’re Dead, Now What?
Issue faced: Dying is Not So Hard
Irony: Am I in Heaven?
Hero’s challenging situation: A New Skin
Threat to hero: Welcome to Heaven, or Not
Discovery: So This is What Heaven Looks Like
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.
EPISODE VII: Keeping the Body Alive
Conflict: Body on the Run
Journey: MIT Didn’t Prepare Me for This
Dilemma: No Body, No Return
Issue faced: Dead Bodies Can be Complicated
Irony: Thomas is On the Way
Hero’s challenging situation: If Only Michael Knew
Threat to hero: Hurry Home, We’re Keeping Your Body on Ice
Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.
EPISODE VIII: The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments
Conflict: Soul Man
Journey: City of Seals and the Trouble With Harry
Dilemma: Is Everyone on the Same Page Now?
Issue faced: There’s Something Very Evil afoot Here
Irony: The Stream is Only a Symptom
Hero’s challenging situation: I guess I’m All in Now
Threat to hero: We Know Your Secret, Now Run
The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.
FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:
SEASON I: The Death of Michael
Conflict: Can Things Get Any Worse?
Journey: The Life of Michael..and Death
Dilemma: You Want to Stop My Heart?
Issue faced: Maybe This is What I deserve
Irony: I Almost Had the Brass Ring
Hero’s challenging situation: I’ve Been Here Before..it Doesn’t End Well
Threat to hero: Heaven’s Just a Heartbeat Away
Michael finds himself in a journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream that is creating the no-birth epidemic. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from what appears to be a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin on a strange planet.
SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…
Conflict: Welcome to the City of Seals
Journey: Skin Central
Dilemma: What Can I do, I’m Just a Skin
Issue faced: Where Have All The Babies Gone?
Irony: Keep the Light On, I have My Work Cutout for Me in Skin City
Threat to hero: A City of Stolen Souls
Discovery: Michael May be More Than Your Ordinary SKin
Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around 6 mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. According to an old man they call the “Seer” the removal of the seals will plunge the universe into the age of evil, with Cromus at the helm. Michael searches for answers about the Stream and Seals while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife. The government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic. Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls. The Homeland Security preps their team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.
SEASON III: Ocean of Souls
Conflict: An Army of Skins
Journey: The Rise of Michael
Dilemma: One More Seal and Game Over, Man!
Issue faced: How Do I Kill The Evil Sonbitch
Irony: Pieces of God
Hero’s challenging situation: The Battle for the City of Seals
Threat to hero: Michael’s Faith
Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus where Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is on the horizon. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny that he has been chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream.
SEASON IV: Son of Cronus
Conflict: Just When You Thought It Was Over…
Journey: Evil Never Dies
Dilemma: Politics, the Perfect Vehicle…
Issue faced: Evil Rises
Irony: Why Does Politics Attract Demons?
Hero’s challenging situation: Michael is Called to Duty One Last Time
Threat to hero: Michael’s Dejavu
Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted.
The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do? The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.
SEASON V: The Battle for Mankind’s Souls
Conflict: A World Seduced By Evil
Journey: Some Will Not Survive
Dilemma: The Dead Rise for the Occasion
Issue faced: The Son of Cronus
Irony: We’re Going to Need Bigger Skins
The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Jack Young’s Presents Non-Stop Intrigue
What I learned doing this assignment is we must continually examine each of our sentences in our TV Pitch to make sure each one of them is not vague or boring and invites intrigue. To me, this has helped me to find vague sentences that really didn’t invoke anything. Although this is a subjective exercise, I believe it did help me to identify quite a few sentences in both the summary, character descriptions, and episodes that did improve it.
I have posted an updated TV Pitch below:
“STREAM”
An Original Series by Jackie Lynn Young
GENRE: SCI-FI
FORMAT: Episodic 8×60’
Concept:
A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.
World of this show:
There are several unexplored worlds in this show; A mystical world of Astral traveling where souls have been hijacked into an energy Stream within the Astral plane. The Ocean of Souls is a reality that mimics Heaven but is actually a holding tank for souls. The Planet of Seals is a planet that is home to 6 mammoth sacred seals that keep an unimaginable evil at bay. Inhabitants of the planet, to include old skins (kidnapped humans) and new skins (souls encased in synthetic skins) serve only as a labor force to remove the seals. Cronus delights in encasing new souls (unborn babies) in devices, machines, utilities, musical instruments, and other creatures in creating a bizarre world that serves his needs and delights.
Show Summary:
Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s suicide haunts him with his father blaming him for his death.
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines get worse and worse. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!
Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life.
Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a swimming pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael, for a short time, died that day and had a fantastical vision of himself floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk, the size of a football field, with ancient scribes and symbols on it. The instant he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him. Michael soon discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer. Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it.
Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream. But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself.
After some training by the team in Astral Projection, the Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, mesmerized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.
The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, Michael’s migraines intensify and he loses sight in one eye. Michael confesses his infidelities and regrets. Diane holds back as Michael pleads that she forgive him before he dies.
Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, finishes testing the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey into the Stream.
How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly climb into an experimental chamber to have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer…..when he nearly drowned as a child, he saw his destiny.
CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:
MICHAEL WALKER:
Michael used to think of himself as a family man and a caring and loving brother. Feeling responsible for his brother’s death and having witnessed a client commit suicide at work have caused Michael to lose faith and become distanced from his family. He takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect his family during the unprecedented no-birth crisis that has swept the world for 5 years. The FBI issues a warrant for Michael’s arrest for insider trading violations.
PROFESSOR ALBERT DARLINGTON:
The Professor is a mentor to Michael on his journey into the Stream. He’s an expert in the field of Astral travel and has a specialized team of college students that he also mentors. His theory that the Stream is the cause of the no-birth epidemic is not accepted in the scientific community and the Government thinks he’s a quack. The Professor is determined to prove his theory and stop the epidemic. The problem is that it requires someone to die to prove his theory.
He is secretly designing a device that disconnects the human soul from the body. He plans to use it to take his own Astral journey to look for his wife in the hereafter who suddenly died several years earlier. The Professor knows that the chances of Michael returning home once the Stream has been shut down are slim to none but he will withhold this truth in order to convince Michael to die and enter the Stream.
DIANE WALKER:
Diane is Michael’s wife and mother to his 5-year old son, Nicholas. She does her best to cherish and protect her son during the no-birth epidemic that has been raging for 5 years. Her son is one of the last children born before the no-birth epidemic began. She suspects that Michael has been having an affair but doesn’t want confrontation. She, of course, has her own secrets such as the fact that she had a brief affair with Michael’s older brother before he died and, unknown to Michael, was the last one with his brother before he intentionally overdosed. She allows the lie to perpetuate that Michael was the last person to see his brother alive. She wants for her son to grow up in a better world and wants to feel safe again. She feels powerless to fix her life and world. She’s got more guts than anyone would have guessed. When she learns the truth that Michael has no way home after shutting down the Stream, she goes into the Stream after him to bring him back.
CRONUS
Cronus is a hybrid human made of human DNA (From an alien captured human specimen) and alien DNA. He has human form when reserved and a frightening alien form when irritated. Cronus is a complicated creature that is evil, sadistic, cunning, and sometimes depraved. Cronus is not without his own weaknesses and faults that derive from his human side. He rules his kingdom with an iron hand with only one mission in mind; the removal of the sacred seals that have been in place since the beginning of the universe and keep the most evil elements of the universe at bay. The evil behind the seals will make him the most powerful creature in the universe.
HARRY MILES
Harry is an agent at the department of Homeland Security Agency. Harry is your typical Boy Scout. Harry was assigned the investigation into the no-birth epidemic and is investigating the Professor’s connection to the epidemic. He became involved when Michael’s death was reported and involved the FBI because of Michael’s body crossing state lines. Harry, like many other people, has been touched by the no-birth epidemic. Harry has a teen daughter and was expecting his first boy, but he was born stillborn like all of the other babies born during the epidemic. Harry is the type of man that feels that it is essential for the bloodline to go on. Harry and his team will ultimately come to the same decision that the Professor has come to, some intelligence has created an energy stream that is stealing souls from Earth and creating the no-birth epidemic. Harry will lead the effort to create a government team made up of Army warfighters and him as team leader that will also go into the Stream in an effort to shut it down. Harry must inform his team that even with their bodies in environmentally controlled pods, the chances of returning from this mission is very low.
SEASON I, EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS:
EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over
As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home of an old woman, she pulls a gun from her purse and shoots herself right in front of him. Michael gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.
EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story.
During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate the darkness that looms over his kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning evil and creating soulless creatures that has thrown the kingdom into the Dark Ages. The Sorcerer is killed during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. During the chaos, the elder son kills his brother over an affair he had with his wife. Upon his return, the king kills his traitorous son for killing his favorite son. Again, with the Sorcerer vanquished the darkness parts for sunshine over the kingdom.
EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fails
Aliens arrive on the planet of seals. The Aliens discover the seals are a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on the planet. Evil infiltrates the ship and causes the pregnancy of the human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.
EPISODE IV: Cronus is Born
Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer’s body is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops a plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals using slave labor from other planets. The Sorcerer helps the Aliens to bring human workers to the planet through a wormhole. Tired of the limitations of the human body, the Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for synthetic slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.
EPISODE V: The Professor’s Stories of the Astral World
A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their astral activities. The Professor mentors them on Astral Projection and recruits them into an Astral team. The Professor reveals his introduction to and dark secrets of Astral Projection. The Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. The Professor believes that the Stream is connected to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community.
EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?
Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.
EPISODE VII: Keeping the Body Alive
Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.
EPISODE VIII: The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments
The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.
FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:
SEASON I: The Death of Michael
Michael finds himself in a journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream that is creating the no-birth epidemic. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from what appears to be a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin on a strange planet.
SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…
Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around 6 mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. According to an old man they call the “Seer” the removal of the seals will plunge the universe into the age of evil, with Cromus at the helm. Michael searches for answers about the Stream and Seals while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife. The government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic. Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls. The Homeland Security preps their team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.
SEASON III: Ocean of Souls
Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus where Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is on the horizon. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny that he has been chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream.
SEASON IV: Son of Cronus
Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted. The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do? The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.
SEASON V: The Battle for Mankind’s Souls
The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that we need to continually look for more concise and intriguing ways to tell our story.
Jack Young’s Intrigue Patterns in the TV Pitch Bible for “STREAM”
I went through the TV Pitch Bible and tried to rewrite the lines so that they were more intriguing. I’m not sure what we were supposed to post here, so I posted the updated TV Pitch Bible below.
“STREAM”
An Original Series by Jackie Lynn Young
GENRE: SCI-FI
FORMAT: Episodic 8×60’
Concept:
A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.
World of this show:
There are several unexplored worlds in this show; A mystical world of Astral traveling where souls are being kidnapped into an energy Stream where Michael must die to enter and stop the no-birth crisis; The Ocean of Souls is a world that mimics Heaven but is actually a holding tank for souls; and The Planet of Seals is a planet that houses 6 mammoth sacred seals that keep the unimaginable evil at bay.
Show Summary:
Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work, and has just lost the family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s death haunts him with his father blaming him for his death.
As he tries to find his way through his personal problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines get worse and worse. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!
Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life. Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael died that day…only for a short time. But long enough to have a fantastical vision of him floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk with ancient scribes and symbols on it. When he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him.
As Michael discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer, supernatural events lead him towards a man that has the answers…what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an anomaly in the astral plane (an energy stream) is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man (Michael) into the energy stream.
But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself. After some beginner training in Astral Projection. The Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, mesmerized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.
The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, his health deteriorates even more as he and his wife reflect on the events that have lead up to Michael’s last day on Earth. Michael confesses his infidelities and regrets. Diane holds back as Michael pleads that she forgive him before he dies.
Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, designed the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey. How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly lay inside a chamber and have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer…..it’s his destiny..
CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:
MICHAEL WALKER:
Michael is a family man and a caring and loving brother. The FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for insider trading violations. He takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect family during the unprecedented no-birth crisis that has swept the world for 5 years. Michael is a man who has lost faith and has lost his way with his family.
PROFESSOR ALBERT DARLINGTON:
The Professor is a mentor to Michael on his journey into the Stream. He’s an expert in the field of Astral travel and has a specialized team of college students that he also mentors. His theory that the no-birth epidemic is being caused by the Stream discovered in the Astral plane is not accepted in scientific communities and the Government thinks he’s a quack. So he’s been left to his own devices to prove his theory and stop the epidemic. The problem is that it requires someone to die to prove his theory. He is secretly designing a device that disconnects the human soul from the body. He plans to use it to take his own Astral journey to look for his wife in the hereafter who suddenly died several years earlier. He knows that the chances of Michael returning home once the Stream has been shut down are slim to none but he will have to withhold this truth in order to convince Michael to die and enter the Stream.
DIANE WALKER:
Diane is Michael’s wife and mother to his son, Nicholas. Her main role is to protect her son during the no-birth epidemic that has been raging for 5 years. Her son is one of the last children born before the no-birth epidemic began. She suspects that Michael has been having an affair but doesn’t want confrontation. She, of course, has her own secrets such as the fact that she had a brief affair with Michael’s older brother before he died and, unknown to Michael, was the last one with his brother before he overdosed. She allows the deception that Michael was responsible for his brother’s suicide. She wants for her son to grow up in a better world and wants to feel safe again. She feels powerless to fix her life and world.
CRONUS
Cronus is a hybrid human made of human DNA (From an alien captured human specimen) and alien DNA. Cronus is a complicated creature that is evil, sadistic, cunning, and sometime depraved. Yet he is not without his own weaknesses and faults that derive from his human DNA. He rules his kingdom with an iron hand with only one mission in mind; the removal of the sacred seals that have been in place since the beginning of the universe and keep the most evil elements of the universe at bay. The evil behind the seals will make him the most powerful creature in the universe.
HARRY MILES
Harry is an agent at the department of Homeland Security Agency. Harry is your typical Boy Scout. Harry was assigned the investigation into the no-birth epidemic and is investigating the Professor’s connection to the epidemic. He became involved when Michael’s death was reported and involved the FBI because of Michael’s body crossing state lines. Harry, like many other people, has been touched by the no-birth epidemic. Harry’ has a teen daughter and was expecting his first boy, but he was born stillborn like all of the other babies born during the epidemic. Harry is the type of man that feels that it is essential for the bloodline to go on. So Harry takes the case personally. Harry and his team will ultimately come to the same decision that the Professor has come to, some intelligence has created an energy stream that is stealing souls from Earth and creating the no-birth epidemic. He will also lead the effort to create a government team made up of Army warfighters and him (as team leader) that will also go into the Stream in an effort to shut it down.
SEASON I, EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS:
EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over
As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home and car of an old woman, he gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.
EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story.
During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate darkness over the kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning darkness and creating monsters (Contributing to the Dark Ages). The Sorcerer dies during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. The elder son kills his brother over his affair with his wife during the chaos. The king kills his traitorous son for his other son’s murder.
EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fails
Aliens arrive on planet of seals. Aliens discover the seals as a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on planet. Evil infiltrates ship and causes pregnancy of human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.
EPISODE IV: Cronus is Born
Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals. The Sorcerer devises methods with Aliens to bring workers to planet. Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.
EPISODE V: The Professor’s Stories of the Astral World
A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their activities. The Professor approaches the students and mentors them on Astral Projection. Professor reveals his origin and dark secrets of Astral Projection. Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. Professor makes connection to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community.
EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?
Michael lets go of his life and revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.
EPISODE VII: Keeping the Body Alive
Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.
EPISODE VIII: The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments
The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.
FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:
SEASON I: The Death of Michael
Michael takes step in his journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from what appears to be a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin on a strange planet.
SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…
Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around 6 mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. Michael searches for answers about the Stream while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife and the government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic.
Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls while homeland Security preps their own team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.
SEASON III: Ocean of Souls
Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus where Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is imminent. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny. He is chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream.
SEASON IV: Son of Cronus
Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted. The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do? The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.
SEASON V: The Battle for Mankind’s Souls
The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that investigation can be useful in uncovering details in adding more depth and layers to the story.
Jack Young’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation for “STREAM”
Dig1: There is some bad blood between Michael and his father about his dead brother. His father blames him for his brother’s death. Michael was involved with helping his brother attain drugs for his habit. However, Michael’s wife apparently had a brief fling with Michael’s brother and may have been the last to see him before he overdosed. This needs further investigation and I wonder how it plays across dimensions (Earth, Ocean of Souls, and Planet of Seals).
Extrapolate1: If she was the one who saw Johnny alive before he overdosed, then why does she let Michael carry the guilt and blame to his death?
Wonder1: What if she wanted to hurt Michael because he had or was having an affair? Was this her way of getting even?
Backtrack1: How could Michael have not known that his wife had seen Johnny?
Forecast1: How could this get even worse? What if she feels so horrible for not having told Michael that it wasn’t actually his fault and that she too had cheated on Michael that she uses the Professor’s machine to go after Michael to tell him the truth? She could be plucked from the Ocean of Souls and end up on the Planet of Seals somewhere, unknown to the others.
She meant to tell Michael that she forgave him (His final request) but forgot. She also wanted to tell him the truth before he died but couldn’t. After he died, she confesses to the others that she let him go without letting him know that she forgave him. She also feels that she owed him the truth. This is what drives her to go after him.
UPDATE: (11/14/2022)
Dig2: Wow! I’m so excited that I continued digging and found a real gem that adds so much to the story layers and characters. As I investigated the Professor and his motives, I realized that he had been developing a new technique of Astral travel that disconnected the soul from the body. This would allow the Professor to journey into the Stream to look for his deceased wife in the hereafter….and return!
Extrapolate2: If he goes after her, does he end up where Michael is, or another realm?
Wonder2: You begin to wonder how this will affect Michael’s wife, Diane. After all, Michael had to actually die to go into the Stream.
Backtrack2: Why didn’t the Professor hold off sending Michael into the Stream until the new method was developed?
Forecast2: How could this get worse? If the Professor gets trapped in the hereafter or can’t get back, what happens to Michael and can he ever get back?
Dig3: This is probably the neatest dig that I did. When I did a dig into the Professor and how the government would react to his experiments, I realized or discovered that Homeland Security had gotten involved and had actually hired their own experts in the field of Astral travel and were investigating the Stream on their own. In fact, Home Security had assigned a team that was looking at their own excursion into the Stream.
Extrapolate3: Harry, a Homeland Security agent and husband, will lead a team of ten warfighters into the Stream understanding it’s a one way mission to save mankind.
Wonder3: We wonder if they connect up with Michael to help him or if they have a different take on the mission.
Backtrack3: Why didn’t the government believe the Professor in the first place? Or did they?
Forecast3: How could this get worse? The team will arrive in the Ocean of Souls (Like everyone). Will they understand where they are? Will they be separated from each other and begin to believe they are dead?
Use in TV Pitch Bible? I actually added this to Diane’s character profile in the TV Bible. I added the info about the professor’s own personal agenda and the Homeland Security because this adds some new and interesting story and character layers.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Jack Young’s Episode Descriptions for Season I for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that it take practice to write engaging prose that describes episodes.
EPISODE I: “Michael Enters The Stream”
Supernatural events and the Professor convince Michael he must enter a energy Stream. However, he must die to do it
EPISODE II: “The Sorcerer’s Story”
A 15th alchemist/sorcerer opens a doorway to evil that leads to the planet of seals. It brings darkness on the kingdom.
EPISODE III: “An Alien Invasion Fail”
Aliens arrive on the planet of the seals. Disaster follows.
EPISODE IV: “The Ruler of the City of Seals, Cronus, is Born”
The Sorcerer creates the soul-stealing “Stream”. Human souls begin appearing in the Stream.
EPISODE V: “The Professor’s Secrets of Astral Projection”
The Professor teaches a team of college students about Astral projection and shares stories of the Astral realm. He discovers an energy Stream stealing souls.
EPISODE VI: “Am I In Heaven?”
Michael dies and finds himself in what seems like Heaven. He’s plucked out of Heaven and is encased in an artificial skin.
EPISODE VII: “Keeping Michael’s Body Alive at All Costs”
Michael’s wife and team evade police with Michael’s body trying to find a safe haven to store it. Thomas is killed.
EPISODE VIII: “The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments.”
The Professor succeeds in separating the soul from the body in preparation for his own personal journey to Heaven. Diane finds a note from the Professor that he has left to go to Heaven looking for his wife.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is how to summarize the important elements of a season.
Jack Young’s Show Summary for STREAM
STREAM
One Hour Sci-Fi
Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work, and has just lost the family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s death haunts him with his father blaming him for his death. As he tries to find his way through his personal problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines get worse and worse. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!
Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life.
Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael died that day…only for a short time. But long enough to have a fantastical vision of him floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk with ancient scribes and symbols on it. When he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him. As Michael discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer, supernatural events lead him towards a man that has the answers…what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an anomaly in the astral plane (an energy stream) is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man (Michael) into the energy stream.
But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself. After some beginner training in Astral Projection, the Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, hypnotized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.
The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, his health deteriorates even more as he and his wife reflect on the events that have lead up to Michael’s last day on Earth. Both confess their infidelities and regrets.
Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, designed the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey.
How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly lay inside a chamber and have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer…..it’s his destiny..
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that I thought I knew the story that I wanted to tell but realized that I had not opened up my mind to the endless opportunities as to where this story could lead. I’m so excited to find that there is much more buried beneath to what I thought was the original story.
Jack Young’s Episode List Rough Draft for Season I of “STREAM”
SEASON I: Michael Must Die
EPISODES:
1- Michael Crosses Over
Bullets:
– As child, Michael almost drowns and has vision of the Seals
– Michael repossess the home and car of an old woman client at work
– SEC issues warrant for Michael for illegal stock deal
– Michael breaks off affair with secretary
– Michael’s headache’s intensify
– Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor
– Michael finds out he has terminal brain cancer
– Michael meets the Professor and Thomas
– Michael dies to enter the Stream
2- The Sorcerer’s Story.
Bullets:
– King sends sons to investigate darkness over kingdom
– Sons find Sorcerer summoning darkness and creating monsters
– Sorcerer dies during fight and is drawn into portal to planet of Sacred Seals
– One son kills his brother over affair during chaos
– King kills traitor son for other son’s death
3- Alien Invasion
Bullets:
– Aliens arrive on planet of seals
– Aliens discover the seals as a source of strange/dark power
– Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape
– Aliens find they are trapped on planet
– Evil infiltrates ship and causes pregnancy of human and other specimens
– New kind of evil/dark creatures are born
4- Cronus is born
Bullets:
– Cronus is born of human woman and grows to take control of the aliens
– Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals
– Sorcerer is brought back to life and becomes aid to Cronus
– Cronus develops plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals
– The Sorcerer devises methods with Aliens to bring workers to planet
– Sorcerer and Aliens develop The Stream to steals souls for slave workers
– The City of Seals is built around the seals
5- The Professor’s Story
Bullets:
– A group of college students dabble experiment with astral projection
– Professor Darlington becomes aware of their activities
– The Professor approaches the students and mentors them on Astral Projection
– Professor reveals his origin and dark secrets of Astral Projection
– Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane.
– Professor makes connection to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community
6- I’m In Heaven?
Bullets:
– Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven)
– Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”
– Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest
7- Keeping Michael Alive.
Bullets:
– Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body
– Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body
– Police implement a wide are search for Michael’s wife.
8- The Professor’s Secret Experiments.
Bullets:
– The Professor has breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection
– Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work
– FBI hones in on Professor’s research
– Professor flees with his team
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What I learned doing this assignment is that we must dig and dig and dig into our characters to see who they really are. I am now really interested to see how they respond when I fling then neck-deep into the story.
Jack Young’s Character Descriptions for “STREAM”
Main Character? Michael Walker Role in the show? Father, husband
An unhappy foreclosure specialist with terminal cancer must find the courage to enter an energy Stream to save his family and mankind.
Noteworthy traits: Family man. Caring and loving brother.
Intriguing history: Risked life savings in a stock deal using insider information.
Intrigue? SEC issued a warrant for his arrest.
Mystery? Why are unseen forces trying to him from learning about the Stream and the professor.
Drive conflict: Takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect family during unprecedented crisis.
Irony: A man who has lost faith may be the only hope for mankind.
Intriguing relationships: Professor Darlington, Cronus, Wife, Brother
The Professor has his own ulterior motives for his work of soul travel. It could put Michael’s life in jeopardy.
START: A foreclosure specialist tries to put an affair in the past as well as escaping prosecution for insider trading during a world-wide epidemic.
MIDDLE: Traits, Blames himself for brother’s death. Making bad business deals because markets are collapsing and world is possibly ending. Still wants to be a good father and husband.
ENDING: Doesn’t believe in himself and that he has any control of his destiny.
EDITED VERSION
An unhappy foreclosure specialist with terminal cancer must find the courage to enter an energy Stream to save his family and mankind but after entering the Stream, he discovers a much larger problem that will require him to lead and have faith again.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that I had a lot more of the story stuffed away in my brain than I knew. Once I began flushing out the seasons, the story line for the 5 seasons came into view.
Jack Young’s Five Seasons for “STREAM”
SEASON I: Michael Must Die
A. Major hook of the season: Michael dies and enters the Stream
B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey: Michael takes step in his journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream.
C. Main Conflict: Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream.
D. Main Mystery/Open Loops: Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it?
E. Cliffhanger: Michael is plucked from a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin.
SEASON II: There’s a Bigger Problem
A. Major hook of the season: Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream exists – The Sacred Seals…
B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey: Michael searches for answers about the Stream while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife.
C. Main Conflict: The government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic.
D. Main Mystery/Open Loops: Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down?
E. Cliffhanger: Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.
SEASON III: Ocean of Souls
A. Major hook of the season: Thomas searches for Michael and a revolution grows.
B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey: Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader as momentum builds for the revolution against Cronus.
C. Main Conflict: Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is imminent.
D. Main Mystery/Open Loops: Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals?
E. Cliffhanger: Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny. He is chosen.
SEASON IV: Son of Cronus
A. Major hook of the season: Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus.
B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey: Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted.
C. Main Conflict: The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil to Earth.
D. Main Mystery/Open Loops: What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do?
E. Cliffhanger: The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.
SEASON V: The Battle for Earth
A. Major hook of the season: The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions.
B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey: Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed.
C. Main Conflict: The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael.
D. Main Mystery/Open Loops: Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus?
E. Cliffhanger: Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is to hone in on will hook whomever reads it that it is a high concept story told in a unique and original world.
Jack Young’s Intriguing Concept and World for “STREAM”
ASSIGNMENT:
Concept:
A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.
World of this show:
The mystical world of Astral traveling where souls are being kidnapped into an energy Stream where Michael must die to enter and stop the no-birth crisis.
Previously unexplored: A world where souls are re-skinned by an evil entity and the “Ocean of Souls” a reality like Heaven where souls are kept until needed.
The unknown: A brand new world that is a mix of aliens, humans, and skins whose only purpose is the removal of 6 gigantic sacred seals that are beneath the city of seals.
The unseen: What’s on the other end of the Stream?.
Unheard of Dangers: Evil forces already mounting to stop him.
Reason to explore it: Will save the world and mankind.
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I completed the framework.
Cheryl, I cannot access the second page of assignments for posting the next module’s assignments. I get the following error, “<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Looks like you got lost!”
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Thanks,
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Jack Young
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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I, like Cathryn, tried several times to use the links to pay and order the evaluation and couldn’t. I also don’t see where we post Module 2 assignment 1 (Bible info).
Jack Young
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Jack Young’s Creating Irony!
What I learned doing this assignment is that sometimes we can choose directions to go with our characters that creates relationships that have little or no conflict. By reviewing our choices and choosing more “conflict creating” relationships, we can create more tension in our story and make it more riveting to the viewer.
ASSIGNMENT 1: Example Show
Watch the next episode of your Example Show and notice where irony shows up in this show — both in this episode and throughout the episodes you’ve already seen.
The irony that I discovered in the Example Show (American Horror Show, Season 10):
– Isn’t the theme of the show a bit ironic? Those of us with talent reap the benefits and those without talent fight over the scraps. However, there is a pricetag for having talent. It doesn’t come for free.
– Ironic that vampires enjoy Karaoki or find the time in their bloodsucking day.
– Ironic that the same little black pill that creates genius also gives us a thirst for blood.
– Ironic that the sweet little daughter turns out to be the most bloodthirsty of the lot.
– Wasn’t ironic that the wife turned out to be the least talented in the family. Would’ve been more ironic if she had turned out to be the MOST talented and turned on them.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
My Show (Stream)
The following are situations or character components that you could go opposite to create irony:
1. Michael’s stock broker friend
2. Michael’s relationship with brother.
3. Michael’s relationship with wife (Diane)
4. Michael’s relationship with his father. In previous version of the story, his father was just saddened by the suicide of his brother.
5. The Professor’s motivation
6. Diane gets a taste of the Stream
7. The “Ocean of Souls”.
8. Cronus’s and his relationship with humans.
9. Cronus’s concubine.
10. Thomas, the engineer.
11. The Alchemist/sorcerer from the 15th century.
12. The “Aliens”
13. The Ocean of Souls
14. Davidson, is a human captive.
15. Josh Manning, FBI agent.
16. Marcus works in the lumber/steel mills near the black forest.
Opposite Brainstorming:.
1. Michael’s stock broker friend throws him under the bus
2. Make Michael’s relationship with brother more complex and have Michael more involved in his death.
3. Make the relationship with Michael’s wife more complex and unpredictable
4. Michael’s relationship with his father is changed whereas his father holds him responsible for his brother’s overdose.
5. Make the Professor more unpredictable and some personal motivations get revealed
6. When Diane is told about the Stream, she doesn’t believe any of it and wants to it see for herself.
7. The Ocean of Souls appears to be Heaven, but instead is a cage for the human soul.
8. Cronus’s relationship with humans is complicated.
9. Cronus’s concubine is a female human that Cronus took from the human workers as a teenager. In the original story she serves Cronus. Consider changing to make her relationship with Cronus more complex. She realizes that she is Cronus’s weakness and is able to manipulate him. She is also able to influence his decisions towards the other humans (sparing their lives and influencing the type of skins they are put in). She has a major role in the story when Michael meets her. She plays both sides and walks a fine line in betraying both humans and Cronus.
10. Thomas, our resident technical genius from MIT (Who designs all of the professor’s inventions and devices) ends up being shot and killed during the part of the story where he and Diane are attempting to preserve Michael’s body and allude the police.
11. The Alchemist/sorcerer from the 15th century. The Alchemist turns out to be one of a contributor’s to the onset of the Dark Ages. An agent of darkness and evil, he resides in a monastery where he is pursuing the dark arts and has found a way to encapsulate souls of his victims into creatures that do his bidding. When a local lord sends his sons and army to vanquish him, they find he is no mortal human, but a creation of his own making. When he is finally defeated, he is cast into the void that leads to the city of seals prior in the empire of Cronus. The aliens find parts of the sorcerer and reassemble him. Later, he becomes Cronus’s advisor and a connection to the evil that lies beneath the seals.
12. The “Aliens” arrive a hundred years before the birth of Cronus. They arrive on the planet to investigate an unusual emanation of power from the seals (That are buried at this time). As they investigate the power source, they discover unusual features and writings on the seals that causes them to immediately try and evacuate. They discover that they can’t escape and are trapped on the planet. Later (Years-decades) one of the human specimens is impregnated by one of the aliens. Cronus (A hybrid alien/human) is born.
13. The Ocean of Souls is a temporary holding where new souls go when they arrive on the planet. This was created by Cronus and the sorcerer. What Cronus doesn’t realize is the power that resides within the Ocean of Souls…and ALL of it…is bad for him. Michael, at the end of the season, will come to understand the power of the Ocean of Souls and how he could use it to destroy Cronus.
14. Davidson, is a human captive (called an “Old Skin” because he still has his original human skin) who is an informant on the humans, reporting directly to Cronus. Davidson tries to get out of the informant business by pleading with Cronus that everyone knows his face. Ironically, Cronus’s solution is to kill Davidson and re-skin him with an artificial skin. The process is painful.
15. Josh Manning, FBI agent, was one of the agencies that the professor contacted when he had figured out what was causing the No-Birth crisis. Of course, they thought the professor was wacko. Now, when the strange death of Michael crosses state lines, and the professor’s name comes up, they discover data that shows that the professor was working a method to disconnect the human soul from the body.
16. Marcus is the father of Cronus’s concubine. Marcus is the leader of a secret militant group against Cronus. It is not obvious if Marcus is using her as an informant on Cronus.
Ones that work well for the show:
1. Michael’s stockbroker friend throws him under the bus by turning witness against Michael when he’s arrested for insider-trading charges.
2. Michael’s relationship with his dead brother. Originally, the relationship was straight forward with his brother. He loved his brother but couldn’t save him from the horror of war. His brother killed himself. This was brainstormed and changed so that Michael was more involved with his brother and may have helped him get the drugs that he OD’d on. It’s ironic that his family holds him responsible for the death of a brother that he loved so much and did so much for.
3. Michael’s wife is a stay at home mom but in the progress of the story, she makes decisions that have us giving her a second-serious look. She takes charge of keeping Michael’s body preserved so he can return and even volunteers to test the professor’s new procedure for astral traveling to the planet and the Ocean of Souls to search for Michael.
4. Situations between Michael and his father become more intense and dramatic because his father blames him for Johnny’s suicide. Michael begins to believe the story that he’s responsible.
5. Professor Darlington’s motivations – We added some secrets and past events to the Professor’s past that will cause him to act irrational. The Professor lost his wife years earlier and is using his research and knowledge of souls to find his wife once again.
6. Be careful what you ask for, Diane. When Diane is taken into the astral plane to see the Stream, she gets too close and a passing soul (An old man) latches onto her, pulling her into the stream. The others must come to her rescue to pull her out.
7. The Ocean of Souls was a new development and becomes a holding tank for souls when they are initially taken from Earth. This is where the Professor finds his wife, who believes she is in Heaven. How ironic it is that when the Professor figures out all the technical complications of disconnecting the soul from the body to chase his wife to Heaven, he ends up in a fabricated world (Ocean of Souls) at a party his wife has thrown where the song “I’m in Heaven” is playing.
8. Cronus despises humans, but yet keeps human concubines because he’s infatuated by female humans.
9. Cronus’s concubine becomes integral to the story because of her closeness to Cronus.
10. Thomas, the engineer, by being killed (and ironically sent into the astral plane) ends up in the Ocean of Souls and on the planet as a result of this, making him more integral to the story, and a possible ally to Michael.
11. The Alchemist. This can work well for the story line. The Alchemist is searching for the same thing as the professor; a way to disconnect the soul from the human body and create servants to do his bidding as well as a possible weapon. The Alchemist becomes the main engineer behind Cronus’s devices and machines (The Stream) that are capable of capturing and transporting the human soul.
12. The “Aliens” changes to the story shows the irony of how one powerful species suddenly becomes the prey and the springboard for a new and evil species.
13. The Ocean of Souls (a very new addition to the story that materialized during the digging into the layers) ties in an interesting layer to my story and adds a new world where characters can interface.
14. Davidson, the traitor/informant, adds more suspense as he tries to thwart Michael’s mission. I suspect that Davidson may redeem himself at some point.
15. Josh Manning, FBI agent, creates additional tension as he pursues the Professor, believing that he may have unleashed a deadly virus on mankind.
16. Marcus will recruit Michael to help lead the skins against Cronus. When Cronus gets word that Marcus may be the key to finding Michael (By this time, Michael has become a threat to Cronus) Cronus cuts a deal with Marcus to free his daughter (The concubine) in exchange for Michael. Marcus will betray Michael and put the coup against Cronus.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 1:
For AMERICAN HORROR SHOW, Season 10
Plot Surface: Provincetown , MA is a resort town where writers like Harry go to focus on their writing. Harry has arrived with his family in an attempt to kickstart his writing career by writing a spec script for streaming services.
Layer 2: A group of “talented” vampires has taken over the town during the off-season and nourishes their talents with human blood.
Layer 3: “The Black Magic Pill” has revolutionized not only the vampire community but provided a magical solution for writer’s block.
Layer 4: Hidden Agenda: Harry, secretly takes the writer’s pill after realizing he doesn’t have the talent or drive to meet his deadline for the script. He keeps it secret from his wife while churning out outstanding writing and keeping his nightly feeding rendezvous with the other vampire writers.
Layer 5: Future Consequences: Harry fears that it’s only of time before his talented daughter seeks out the pill. Since babies are a delicacy, how long will it be before the vampires conspire to devour Harry’s new baby?
HARRY Character Layer:
Character Surface: Harry is a dedicated father and husband who just wants to succeed at writing.
Layer 1: Hidden Agenda: Harry will basically do anything to be successful.
Layer 2: Hidden History: Harry is developing a history with the vampire culture (the price for his fame).
Layer 3: Secret Identity: Harry is secretly a vampire and must drink blood to satisfy his vampire appetite.
Layer 4: Harry still clings to being a father and looking forward to the new baby that is due.
Layer 5: Competition: His daughter begins taking the pill while her talent blossoms. So does her vampire appetite. As her father becomes a better and better writer, she becomes better and better violinist. Her mother, though, is only hindering what they can achieve and is only unnecessary baggage in her eyes.
ASSIGNMENT 2: (My Show)
Plot Surface: Michael lives in a world that is facing a no-birth crisis.
Layer 1: The Professor has evidence that someone is stealing souls from Earth therefore creating the no-birth crisis.
Layer 2: When Michael arrives at the other end of the stream, he discovers that souls are being packaged into “Skins” that are used as workers in an effort by the leader, Cronus, to raise 6 gigantic seals buried in the ground.
Layer 3: Back on Earth, Michael’s wife, Diane, is on the run from the police and trying to keep Michael’s body preserved for his return.
Layer 4: Michael discovers that there exists an Ocean of Souls that contains 100s of millions of souls stolen by Cronus. He believes that his dead brother may be in the Ocean of Souls and can help him with his mission.
Layer 5: The government experiments with ways to recreate humans from modifying genes in monkeys to bio-mechanical designs. Their research leads them to Professor Darlington, who also is on the run with Michael’s wife.
MICHAEL:
Character Surface: A husband and family man trying to get ahead during a monumental crisis.
Layer 1: He had an affair with a girl at the office and his wife will shortly find out.
Layer 2: Made some illegal business deals. He’s lost all of his life savings and has an arrest warrant out for him. His wife will shortly find this out as well.
Layer 3: Michael discovers that he has Phase 4 brain cancer and has very little time left.
Layer 4: Michael blames himself for his brother’s death. His father (not mother) blames him as well and this has driver them apart.
CRONUS:
Character Surface: Cronus is a part alien, part human creature that was born on the planet of seals hundreds of years earlier when an alien ship carrying human specimens was stranded on the planet by unseen forces. He can appear handsome or hideous depending upon his mood.
Layer 1: His reason for existing is to remove the 6 gigantic seals. The seals were put there to imprison evil.
Layer 2: Cronus fears Michael. He doesn’t know why.
Layer 3: Cronus relies on an alchemist/sorcerer as his advisor. The Alchemist is one of the original skins created with a human soul in the 14th century and was teleported to the planet via a gateway that draws its energy from the seals.
Layer 4: His weakness is his attraction to female humans.
Layer 5: Enjoys torturing and humiliating humans and has a soft-spot for music
CONCUBINE:
Character Surface: A female human brought to the planet with her father in an alien craft when she was a child.
Layer 1: Cronus took her for one of his concubines when she was a teen.
Layer 2: She is estranged from her father for consenting to be a concubine.
Layer 3: She can manipulate Cronus.
Layer 4: She knows the inner workings of the Cronus empire and can help Michael to defeat Cronus is she desires.
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ASSIGNMENT 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that big picture hooks can keep the viewers locked in for seasons at a time, rather then just for episodes. Of course we need small picture hooks that can fulfill the viewers appetite from episode to episode.
American Horror Story, Season 10:
Big Picture Open Loops:
Harry, a mediocre writer with writer’s block, discovers that a small black pill can make him one of the greatest writers in the world, but comes his a high price.
Will Harry join the community of vampires?
Will Harry’s wife discover what he and Alma (his daughter) are doing to become talented?
How are these open loops being used to create the need to see future episodes?:
Knowing that the father and daughter are now blood thirty vampires, we question how they will feed their hungers?
We also know that Bella Noir loves to et babies and with Harry’s wife giving birth in Episode 5, we wonder how long before Bella sets her sights on the baby.
We also wonder whether TB Karen will eventually come over and join the vampires.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
My Project, “Stream” big picture hooks:
Why can’t humans have children anymore?
What is the Stream and what does it have to do with the no-birth?
What is at the other end of the Stream?
Can they keep Michael’s body in hiding from the police until he returns or will they be caught and charged with Michael’s murder?
Can Michael find the source of the Stream?
What is the role of his brother Johnny in the events to play out and why must he find him in the ocean of souls?
Can Michael save his marriage after having an affair?
Who is Cronus and why is he stealing souls?
What lies beneath the Seals?
Can Michel develop a relationship with Cronus’s concubine to help him find the ocean of souls and Cronus’s weakness?
Will he get Cronus’s concubine to turn on Cronus?
If the seals are lifted, what happens
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that without mysteries the viewer won’t be hooked to stay through the season or seasons.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
American Horror Story (Season 10):
Big Picture Mysteries:
Can Harry become a vampire and ever return to his family as they were?
Smaller Mysteries:
– Who is making the magic pills and why do they make the writers vampires?
– Will Harry go along with sacrificing his baby to Belle Noir?
– Are the police complicit with the murders by the local vampires?
– Will Harry’s wife come around and be one of them?
– Will Harry’s Daughter, Alma, eventually kill her own mother because she believes she’s untalented and isn’t worthy?
ASSIGNMENT 2:
My Project (Stream):
Main Mystery:
What is the Stream and how is it related to the no-birth crisis?
Over Time Mysteries:
(Main)
How will Michael stop the Stream and the taking of souls from Earth?
(Smaller)
-Will Cronus be able to lift the seals?
-What is behind the seals?
A. Shocking Event: Michael MUST die before he can enter the Stream.
B. Secret: The Professor has little faith that Michael can return once he shuts off the Stream.
C. Investigation:
WHO: The Stream was created by Cronus.
WHAT: It steals souls from Earth and is responsible for the no-birth crisis.
WHEN: Created 5 years ago.
WHY: The Stream provides souls for Cronus to us for “Skins” who are needed by the 100s of thousands to be able to lift the gigantic seals.
Cover up: The government is trying to keep the people from knowing the truth; that humans can no longer reproduce and mankind will cease to exist within 100 years.
Secret: Human souls are being stolen by non-terrestrials.
Reveal 1:
Diane and Michael are taken into the astral plane and shown the Stream where human souls are visibly being kidnapped from Earth.
Reveal 2:
The souls of man are put into synthetic human skins to serve as laborers for Cronus.
Ultimate Reveal:
(End of season 1) Michael is the only one on the planet that can touch the seals with immediately disintegrating. He is chosen.
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ASSIGNMENT 1:
What I learned during this assignment is that we must create open loops that extend out an entire season to give the audience a reason to return episode after episode. Instead of wrapping up things in a story as we do in a screenplay, distress and tension continues episode after episode.
For American Horror Story (Season 10):
Big Picture Distress: Can the Gardener family ever be normal again after taking the “Pill”? Can they ever escape the vampires and or are they doomed to become part of the vampire community?
A Undeserved misfortune. After a fall, the pregnant Doris finds herself in the hospital.
B. External Character conflicts. The sheriff has become suspicious of Harry and Alma and already suspects that they may already be deep into the local vampire culture. Harry’s agent arrives unexpectedly and not only puts Harry on edge but ruffles the feathers of the local vampires/writers.
C. Plot intruding on life. Harry wanted a normal life for his wife and daughter and to only be successful at being a writer but by taking the pill and giving it to her daughter he’s invited her into the same vampire culture that he can’t seem to escape from.
D. Moral dilemmas. Harry knows that his daughter, ALma, is turning into what he has become and now feeding on the blood of victims, but he has become addicted to the pills and lifestyle that has now made him so famous that Tarantino wants to shoot his scripts with making a single change. If he takes the pill, doesn’t his daughter have the right to take it as well?
E. Forced decisions they’d never make. Harry would never promote the life of a vampire for his daughter or give his daughter the pill that makes her hungry for blood, but the situation is forcing him to.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
For my Story (Stream):
Big Picture Distress: Can Michael with the help of the professor find the source of the Stream, stopping the no-birth crisis, and save mankind from doom?
A Undeserved misfortune. Michael’s wife, Diane, discovers that Michael was having an affair and has lost his job and their life savings in a crooked stock market deal. Their financial situation is collapsing around them.
B. External Character conflicts. Michael’s father blames him for his brother’s death, and had it out with him at the funeral. The SEC has filed charges and an arrest warrant has been issued for Michael’s arrest. Michael’s boss also fired him.
C. Plot intruding on life. Michael would have never planned or intended to put his family in dire straights but his actions have spiraled everything out of control.
D. Moral dilemmas. Michael thinks of himself as a family man but he has fallen out of grace with his wife. Diane (Michael’s wife) must decide whether she can live with knowing about the affair (and abortion) and whether she can forgive him his poor moral decisions.
E. Forced decisions they’d never make. Michael must sacrifice his life and leave his family in order to stop the Stream and the no-birth crisis.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that we forget to think as our characters as having complex relationships but it is needed if we want our viewers to get engaged and care about their journeys and their final outcome.
Assignment 1:
Harry Gardener relationship to: 1) Doris Gardener 2) Alma Gardener 3) Austin
Surface: 1) Wife 2) Daughter 3) fellow writer (but successful)
Common Ground: 1) Marriage – Daughter 2) Harry and daughter both like the resort town 3) Together, they can make Harry successful
Conflict: 1) Wife wants to leave the town resort and Harry wants to stay 2) Daughter wants the magic pill that she saw father take. Father denies 3) Being successful Austin’s way involves killing
History: 1) Wife feels threatened by town and citizens 2) From sweet daughter to calculating and deceiving 3) From acquaintances to sharing victims
Subtext: 1) She, too, wants to be successful and is tempted 2) As far as she’s concerned everyone is in her way of success 3) Conspiring with other vampires and writers
Relationship Arc: 1)Being dominated by husband to becoming a liability to him and daughter 2) From being a motivated but mediocre artist to blood-thirst for success 3) From admiration as a successful writer to mistrust as a blood sucker
Assignment 2:
For “Stream” (my project)
Michael Walker relationship to: 1) Diane Walker 2) Professor Darlington 3) Cronus
Surface: 1) Wife 2) Mentor/Leader 3) Adversary
Common Ground: 1)Marriage – Son 2)The Stream 3) Both are able to tap into powerful unseen forces.
Conflict: 1) Diane doesn’t trust the Professor’s idea for Michael’s entering the Stream. 2) The Professor’s solution puts Michael’s life at risk Michael wants the seals to remain sealed. 3) Cronus’s mission is to remove them.
History: She has been dedicated to Michael and sham marriage 2) The Professor is Michael’s mentor 3) Cronus has been trying to stop Michael long before they met
Subtext: 1)She can be as strong as Michael or stronger 2) The Professor knows that the path he puts Michael on may be a one-way trip 3) Cronus secretly fears Michael even though he’s more powerful
Relationship Arc: 1) From a reserved and frightened wife to becoming part of the solution 2) From not knowing to Michael’s only hope for everything 3) From not knowing to becoming mortal enemies
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ASSIGNMENT 1:
What I learned doing this assignment is that humans are a complex collection of mixed and sometimes contrasting emotions and needs and that what we see on the outside (Their game face) isn’t necessarily what’s going on in the inside.
American Horror Story:
HARRY GARDENER:
A. Hope: Write the contracted TV Pilot before the deadline. / Fear: He doesn’t have the talent needed to be a hit in the industry.
B. Want: To be a great writer. / Need: To provide for family and be successful.
C. Base Negative Emotion: Failure / Public Mask: Family man and successful writer.
D. Weaknesses: Alcohol and lack of confidence. Acceptance of a “magic pill” to solve his problems.
E. Triggers: a blank page.
F. Coping Mechanism: Drinking: Lying and evasion about what he’s doing. With the vampires, he’s a willing participant so he can be successful like them.
DORIS GARDENER PROFILE
A. Hope: She can interior design the house while on vacation to prove she has the talent. / Fear: Stuck the rest of her life as a mediocre teacher.
B. Want: She can be a successful interior designer. Need: To prove to her family.
C. Base Negative Emotion: Lack of confidence / Public Mask: Happy wife and mother
D. Weaknesses: Afraid to fail. Doesn’t have the skills to succeed.
E. Triggers:
F. Coping Mechanism:
ALMA GARDENER PROFILE
A. Hope: To be a great violinist. / Fear: That she doesn’t have the talent to get into Juliard.
B. Want: To be the greatest violinist. / Need: To play perfectly.
C. Base Negative Emotion: Anger and jealousy that father has mastered his skill / Public Mask: Happy daughter
D. Weaknesses: Young and easily influenced.
E. Triggers: Not being able to play the instrument like she needs to.
F. Coping Mechanism: Throws fits and screams until she gets her way.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
STREAM:
MICHAEL WALKER PROFILE:
A. Hope: He can save himself and family from hardship and world disaster. / Fear: Some dark power wants to stop him.
B. Want: To be a good father and husband. / Need: To stay alive and survive the stream.
C. Base Negative Emotion: Fear and loss / Public Mask: Family man and husband and good brother.
D. Weaknesses: Alcohol and loss of faith.
E. Triggers: Death or mention of his brother.
F. Coping Mechanism: Drinking: Lying and evasion.
DIANE WALKER PROFILE
A. Hope: To be a good mother. / Fear: That her husband isn’t being honest and the world is ending.
B. Want: For her son to grow up in a better world. Need: To feel safe again.
C. Base Negative Emotion: Fear and anger / Public Mask: Happy wife and mother
D. Weaknesses: Powerless to fix her life and world.
E. Triggers: News of tragedy and doom. Mistrust. Jealousy.
F. Coping Mechanism: Withdrawing from the world and relationships.
CRONUS PROFILE
A. Hope: To be reunited with his father and ruler of the world behind the seals. / Fear: He will fail to lift the seals and release his father.
B. Want: To be the all powerful one. / Need: he needs to control the humans and the world he has created (City of the Seals).
C. Base Negative Emotion: Weakness, indecisiveness, and doubt / Public Mask: The all powerful ruler of the City of Seals
D. Weaknesses: Attraction to female humans. His human DNA (Makes him vulnerable)
E. Triggers: Being outsmarted or outwitted by humans. Failed plans.
F. Coping Mechanism: Music and torturing/humiliating humans
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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Assignment 1:
What I learned doing this assignment is that we must dig deeper into our characters to find additional layers. This will not only make them interesting, but allow more of the audience to relate with them and to intrigue them enough to follow characters not just through the first episode (pilot) but throughout the season.
Jack Young’s Intriguing Character Layers
Character: Harry Gardener
Role: Screenwriter, husband, and father
Hidden agendas: Harry has found a way to become a successful screenwriter that involves a magic pill
Conspiracies: Harry has entered a conspiracy with the town vampires to get what he wants (success).
Secrets: Harry is hiding from his family the source of his inspiration to now write masterpieces rather than the stale shit he was writing before.
Deception: Harry is deceiving his agent that he has newfound natural writing talent when it comes from a magic pill provided by vampires.
Wound: Harry has failed in the industry and is no more than a mediocre screenwriter at best and can be easily replaced.
Secret Identity: Harry discovers that with the help of the magic pill he is such a magnificent writer that famous directors want to direct his work for free.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. The journey of my show: From a man living in a doomed society (no-birth) who lost his job (insider trading), has a broken marriage (affair), and discovers he has terminal cancer to a man who can give his life to enter an energy that could possibly save mankind.
2. The main characters in the show: Michael Walker and Cronus.
A. Role in the show:
Michael: A 35 year old man who is tortured by the death of his brother and is dying from terminal cancer.
Cronus: A human/alien hybrid that is the ruler of the City of Seals on a planet in the middle of the universe.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
Michael: Expertise: Doesn’t feel that he has any, but he will discover it’s actually his love for his family and his ability to lead others and put everything on the line to protect them.
Purpose: To enter an energy stream that is stealing all of the souls from Earth (“No Birth” epidemic) and stop it to save mankind.
Irony: On the surface, Michael is not a religious man, and definitely not the person to risk his life, but his actions say otherwise.
Cronus: Expertise: Cronus is evil. He has power not seen until now and has learned to create technologies to enslave and torture mankind.
Purpose: To open six gigantic seals beneath the City of Seals that will bring on the end of mankind.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
Michael: He is having an affair with a prostitute that started just after his brother’s death and has a warrant out for his arrest for insider trading, for which he has jeopardized his job and all of his savings. He is also hiding the fact from his wife that he has constant headaches.
Cronus: Because Cronus has human DNA in his makeup, he has human complexities (Weaknesses) and likes/dislikes. He is a flawed (and sometimes unpredictable) adversary bent on Michael and mankind’s destruction.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
Michael: Michael has wanted to end the affair (a crutch for his brother’s death) and knew that the stock deal he got involved with was illegal.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
Michael: With each step, Michael comes to discover that someone larger than him is at work and that everything that has happened has done so for a reason – to force him to enter the stream and stop Cronus.
Cronus: Cronus can be reckless and emotional due to his human DNA.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Michael: He is a good father and deeply committed to taking care of his family. He has inoperable brain cancer.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Jack Young’s Engaging Main Characters
What I learned from this assignment is that we must engage the audience not only in the story we are telling, but with the edginess and complexity of unique characters.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
American Horror Story, Season 10, Episode III:
A. Role in the show: Harry Gardener is a father and husband but unfortunately he is also a mediocre writer. He wants to be a great (or successful) writer so bad that he will risk everything.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Harry is a hack writer for network TV shows but has yet to write anything meaningful. He knows the mechanics of writing but doesn’t have any real ideas or inspiration.
Purpose: To complete his TV pilot before the deadline and therefore take care of his family.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Harry has taken a magic pill that will make him a great writer. The problem is that it comes at a high cost.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? There is no magic pill. We were taught that results comes from hard work. Is our greatness worth someone else’s life? What if the price is our own soul. This is the same moral dilemma as Robert Johnson faced at the crossroads when the devil offered him greatness in exchange for his soul.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Harry is driven to write the greatest pilot and following episodes while the iron is hot. But what waits around the corner in this town of vampire writers and will he do or not do?
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? We can put ourselves in Harry’s shoes, wanting to succeed at what we do and to provide for our family. Those of us that are writers in the audience, can empathize with Harry as writers who struggle with writer’s block or finding that gem of an idea that will produce that amazing screenplay.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. The journey of my show: From a man living in a doomed society (no-birth) who lost his job (insider trading), has a broken marriage (affair), and discovers he has terminal cancer to a man who can give his life to enter an energy that could possibly save mankind.
2. The main characters in the show: Michael Walker and Cronus.
A. Role in the show:
Michael: A 35 year old man who is tortured by the death of his brother and is dying from terminal cancer.
Cronus: A human/alien hybrid that is the ruler of the City of Seals on a planet in the middle of the universe.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
Michael: Expertise: Doesn’t feel that he has any, but he will discover it’s actually his love for his family and his ability to lead others and put everything on the line to protect them.
Purpose: To enter an energy stream that is stealing all of the souls from Earth (“No Birth” epidemic) and stop it to save mankind.
Irony: On the surface, Michael is not a religious man, and definitely not the person to risk his life, but his actions say otherwise.
Cronus: Expertise: Cronus is evil. He has power not seen until now and has learned to create technologies to enslave and torture mankind.
Purpose: To open six gigantic seals beneath the City of Seals that will bring on the end of mankind.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
Michael: He is having an affair with a prostitute that started just after his brother’s death and has a warrant out for his arrest for insider trading, for which he has jeopardized his job and all of his savings. He is also hiding the fact from his wife that he has constant headaches.
Cronus: Because Cronus has human DNA in his makeup, he has human complexities (Weaknesses) and likes/dislikes. He is a flawed (and sometimes unpredictable) adversary bent on Michael and mankind’s destruction.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
Michael: Michael has wanted to end the affair (a crutch for his brother’s death) and knew that the stock deal he got involved with was illegal.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
Michael: With each step, Michael comes to discover that someone larger than him is at work and that everything that has happened has done so for a reason – to force him to enter the stream and stop Cronus.
Cronus: Cronus can be reckless and emotional due to his human DNA.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Michael: He is a good father and deeply committed to taking care of his family. He has inoperable brain cancer.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jack Young.
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Subject line: Jack Young’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is character development and understanding their place and role in the story is extremely important. This will allow us to build characters that are rich in detail and dimension. I noted while looking at the characters in American Horror Story how unique and different each character is. So when the main character is not on the screen, we are still entertained and engaged by the other characters and their stories.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
American Horror Story Season 10, Episode II:
A. Main Characters Circle: Harry, Doris, and Alma Gardener
B. Connected Circle: Belle Noir, Mickey, Austin, TB Karen, Dr. Feldman (Lark)
C. Environment Circle: Harry’s agent, Zombie Vampires, Grocery Store manager, male prostitute under bridge
ASSIGNMENT 2:
The three circles of characters for my show titled “Stream: Episode I”
A. Main Characters Circle: Michael Walker, Diane Walker (Wife), Nicholas Walker (Son), Professor Darlington
B. Connected Circle: MIT Engineer, Thomas, Michael’s friend, Marty, Michael’s girlfriend, Chris, Michael’s older brother, John, Michael’s father, George, Michael’s mother Bonnie, Female Demon in bar, Gina
C. Environment Circle: Professor Darlington’s caretaker, News reporters, People rioting and protesting, Doctor and nurses at hospital, Bartender in bar, Patrons in bar, Professor’s astral team, YMCA homeless men, police Officers
One sentence description of each of the Main Characters:
Michael Walker: Michael, an accountant and family man, is having an affair and has lost all of his family’s savings in a stock deal gone horribly bad.
Diane Walker (Wife): Diane is a dedicated wife and mother but her devotion to the marriage will be tested to the limits beyond life itself.
Nicholas Walker (Son): Nick, 5 years old, loves and idolizes his father.
Professor Darlington: The foremost expert on the human soul and possibly the only one on the planet that knows how to prevent man’s destruction from the “No-Birth” crisis.
Marty, (Michael’s friend): A risk taker who comes up with a get rich scheme that will lead him and Michael straight to prison.
Chris (Michael’s girlfriend): A girl that Michael hooked up with after his brother died and now she has her hooks deep into Michael.
Johnny (Michael’s older brother): A handicapped Afghanistan war hero and Michael’s older brother who overdoses on heroin.
George (Michael’s father): A Korean war veteran who supported the war but blames Michael for Johnny’s death.
Bonnie (Michael’s mother): She tries to keep what’s left of her family together after the loss of her son.
Gina (Female Demon in bar): A beautiful blonde that shows up in the bar and reveals herself as a demon with a warning for Michael.
News reporters: News reporters on the news reveal to us how the continuing “No-Birth” crisis is crippling the world and may lead to the end of mankind.
People rioting and protesting: People rioting and protesting against the government for inaction demonstrate the chaos associated with the “No-Birth” crisis.
Doctor and nurses at hospital: Doctors and nurses at the hospital treating Michael for the onset of stage 4 brain cancer.
Police Officers: Police officers respond to the event when the professor purposely stops Michael’s heart to send him into the Stream.
YMCA homeless men: Homeless men populate the YMCA where Michael now calls home after his wife threw him out.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Jack Young.
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American Horror Stories
What I learned doing this assignment is that having complex characters that we can be empathetic with, allows us to have some skin in the game and want to follow their journey.
American Horror Story Season 10, Episode I:
OUTLINE of Season 10, Episode I:
The Gardner family drives to Provincetown , MA for a summer getaway. A mutilated deer on the road sets the tone for what’s to come.
Harry Gardener (Father/husband) meets Tuberculoses Karen (TB Karen), who looks like a meth addict, and is warned of the “Bloodsuckers” in the town.
Harry has writer’s block on day one.
Harry’s wife, Doris, and daughter Alma go for a walk and are chased back home by a graveyard zombie-looking vampire.
The sheriff assures them it was just a local addict.
Harry discovers several mutilated bodies on the beach when he goes for a run.
Harry goes to the local bar alone and meets some of the locals which includes a failed writer turned town prostitute and two successful writers who are vampires.
Harry is attacked at home by one of the graveyard zombie vampires and kills him.
TB Karen is pressured by Belle Noir (one of the vampires from the bar) to bring her a baby to feast on.
TB Karen reluctantly delivers to baby in exchange for protection and some meth.
After Harry decided to leave Provincetown with his family due to the strange events, he receives a call from Austin (Another one of the vampires from the bar) who offers him a solution to his writer’s block (AQ magic pill).
Harry receives a call from his agent who puts pressure on him to complete the TV Pilot.
Harry takes the pill unaware that his daughter is watching him.
Big Picture Hooks
Ask this: What is the big hook of this show?
ANSWER: Edgy horror shows at unique locations and with original and odd characters. This season of the Horror Show is a about a struggling screenwriter who travels to a new England resort with his pregnant wife and daughter in the off season in an attempt to write a pilot within 3 months.
Amazing and Intriguing Character
Ask this: What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting?
ANSWER: The main character, Harry Gardener, wife, Doris Gardener, and daughter, Alma Gardener, are all struggling with mediocrity and can’t seem to get over the hump and be perfect in their area of expertise. Harry is a hack writer wanting a serious career, while Doris was a teacher who can’t seem to get a handle on interior decorating (Her real desire). The daughter, Alma, is a better than average violinist, who can’t seem to reach that expert level she wants. Each has the opportunity in this coastal town and getting over that hump. Perhaps they will all reach their perfection here since it hasn’t happened anywhere else.
There are also an ensemble cast of supporting characters in the town of Provincetown or “P Town” that make the story even more interesting and pulls us in.
– Bald-headed Ghouls – Immediately after they arrive, the family members are accosted by bald-headed ghoulish characters wearing overcoats with extreme shoulder pads. Although they appear to be drug addicts who are insane, when one breaks into the house, we discover that he has vampire tendencies and is killed by the father during the attack. This sets the tone that something supernatural is happening in the town.
– TB Karen – This old lady who looks like a bum and meth addict warns the family when they first arrive that they are in danger from the blood sucking town. One of the few who remains a non-vampire and we begin to wonder how she holds out from becoming one.
– Mickey – Mickey appears as the town prostitute (male and female clients) who will do anything for money. Also a failed writer who brings some comedic relief (Played by McCaully Cauken) to the series. Also a non-vampire who appears to be a useful tool and snack to the vampires.
– Austin and Belle Noir – Austin and Belle Noir first are introduced as bar flies and terrible Karaoke singers. Austin is much younger than Belle Noir (Who could be your grandmother) and come off as an odd pair of successful writers.
Empathy / Distress
Ask this: What situation causes us to feel both empathy and distress for this character?
ANSWER: You don’t have to be a writer to feel empathy for Harry who’s career depends upon him writing that great new pilot for TV before the deadline. And you must emphasize with Doris who wants to have a different career than teaching and Alma who just wants to be the best violinist. It’s distressing that none of this seems to be working for them and on top of that, Doris is carrying a new child.
Layers / Open Loops
Ask this: What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season?
ANSWER: Will Harry make progress on his writing? Will Doris find her talent for interior decorating by updating the house they are renting? Will Alma break through and be able to perform those difficult notes on her violin? Where did the vampires come from? What is in the magic pill that Harry took to solve his writers block? Why is TB Karen doing the bidding of the vampires?
Inviting Obsession
Ask this: How does this pilot create the need to see every single episode?
ANSWER:
When we get to the end of the first episode, we realize that something darker and more evil is going on and we’re hoping the family will figure it out and escape the evil in P Town. We fear they won’t…but we want to see anyway…
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My name is Jack Young. I have written over 4 dozen screenplays in most of the genres (Also one book adaptation). I’m hoping that the classes will up the level of my writing for both screenplays and TV. I started late in the screenwriting business (started at 40 yrs old). I have my own film company (Young Films) that produced several films. A couple of the films are out at some of the streaming services (One had a limited theatrical release). I also had my own film school (Omaha Film School) for a couple of years where I taught film production and screenwriting. I also authored the books “How to Write Screenplay in 3 Days: The Marathon Method” and “Indie Filmmaker Producer’s Handbook: The Nuts and Bolts of Independent Film Production”. I have a manager in New York and at one time had an agent that got some of my screenplays into Dreamworks for a read (no deals though). I’m looking forward to the classes!
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Jack Young agrees to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Jack Young.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
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George, I just received feedback on my pilot and TV Bible from Madeleine and she did an amazing job! In return, I provided feedback on her pilot. Once I address her comments and make changes, I’d like to get another review by someone. Let me know if you’d be available to review it in exchange for reviewing yours. Thanks – Jack
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George, would you be open to reviewing a pilot? I have mine completed and need to get it reviewed by some other members. Here’s my email that you can contact me if you’re interested: jackyoung1981@cox.net
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George, I sent my TV Bible to Dimitri over 2 months ago. I haven’t heard anything. Still waiting. Do you know if there is a marketing segment to this course or if it’s separate? During the audio recordings, Hal talked about the marketing part at the end. Just wondering.
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Madeleine, are you ready to exchange pilots for critique? Let me know. Also, did you do a TV Bible and if so, do you want to review those as well?
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Madeleine, I’d like to exchange feedback on pilots with you. Contact me vie my email at jackyoung1981@cox.net.
Jack Young
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George, in the latest lesson, Hal tells us to send our pilots to other students for critique. I’m ready to send mine but I am not sure how this works. How do we contact the other students and how long do they have to review it. Lots of questions. Also, Module 5 was supposed to be put up today (marketing) but I didn’t see it. Do you have any info? Thanks – Jack