James Peacock
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I just love this opening scene from Absolute Power. Boy, talk about something that grabs your attention – from the producer to the audience.
FADE IN:
1 INT. WASHINGTON MUSEUM – DAY 1
The saddest eyes you ever saw.
We are looking at an El Greco drawing. It is a study for
one of his paintings.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL —
A bunch of art students are doing sketches of the eyes,
the elongated fingers, the slender hands El Greco drew so
brilliantly.
Most of the students are around 20. A couple of suburban
housewives are there too.
And one older man.
This is LUTHER WHITNEY. Mid 60s, very fit, neatly
dressed. At quick glance, he seems as if he might be a
successful company executive.
As we watch him draw we can tell he is capable of great
concentration. And patient. With eyes that miss
nothing: He has pilot’s eyes.
We’ll find out more about him as time goes on, but this
is all you really have to know: Luther Whitney is the
hero of this piece. As we watch him draw —
Luther’s sketchbook. He is finishing his work on the
eyes, and he’s caught the sadness: It’s good stuff.
Luther. It’s not good enough for him. He looks at his
work a moment, shakes his head.
GIRL STUDENT
Don’t give up.
LUTHER
I never do.
GIRL STUDENT
May I?
She’s indicated his sketchbook. He nods. She starts
thumbing through.
The sketchbook as the pages turn.
Detail work. Eyes and hands. The eyes are good. The
hands are better. Very skillful.
(CONTINUED)
)B( ABSOLUTE POWER – Rev. 5/16/96 2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
The GIRL hands it back. Impressed.
GIRL STUDENT
You work with your hands, don’t
you?
CLOSEUP – LUTHER *
An enigmatic smile. Now, from that —
2 EXT. RED’S BAR – DAY 2
A nice working class part of town. Nothing fancy here
but there’s a pleasant feel. The streets are clean, the
houses neat and well tended.
Luther, carrying his sketchbook, walks along. It’s
afternoon now. Up ahead is a local bar: RED’S.
3 INT. RED’S BAR – DAY 3
Luther walks in. Nothing fancy here. Strictly working
class. And relatively empty. An overweight bald man
Luther’s age works behind the bar. This is RED. They
are good enough friends not to ask each other questions.
LUTHER
(as they nod to
each other)
Redhead.
RED
Luther.
(as Luther hands
him a videotape)
Your life would be a whole lot
simpler if you could learn to
operate a V.C.R.
LUTHER
My only failing.
As he turns —
4 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – LUTHER’S HOUSE – DAY 4
A street of small row houses. Clean, well tended.
Luther walks toward one. Later in the afternoon. He
carries half a dozen small shopping bags, from the
market, the hardware store, the drug store, the cleaners.
3.
5 EXT. LUTHER’S HOUSE – DAY 5
A terra cotta planter to the right of the front door.
Luther shifts his packages, tilts the planter slightly,
bends down, pulls out a key, inserts it in the front
door.
6 INT. LUTHER’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY 6
as he enters. Neat, tidy. A Cuisinart, a cheese slicer,
lots of other nice equipment. As he begins putting food
away —
7 INT. LUTHER’S HOUSE – DINING AREA – NIGHT 7
Evening now. Table set for one. A single candle.
Beside the candle is Luther’s sketch pad. Now Luther
himself moves INTO VIEW, carrying a tray. He puts it
down.
A gorgeous omelet is on a fine china plate, parsley
sprinkled neatly on top. An elegant green salad is on
another plate, covered with thinly sliced parmesan
cheese. An expensive water pitcher, a lovely glass.
Clearly, a great deal of thought has gone into dinner.
Luther lights the single candle. We are now aware of a
photograph nearby. The picture is old. A pretty little
girl stands in the center, smiling. Her mother stands
alongside, smiling too. A man is with them, looking at
them happily. It’s Luther. When he was young.
Luther studies the photo a moment. Then he turns, looks
out the window.
8 POV SHOT – SLIVER OF MOON 8
is visible. Lovely. Peaceful.
9 LUTHER 9
Now Luther opens the sketch pad, quickly flips past the
hands and eyes and faces —
— we are looking at something totally different: a
mansion.
HOLD ON Luther’s drawing of the mansion.
KEEP HOLDING.
PULL BACK to reveal —
4.
10 EXT. SULLIVAN MANSION – NIGHT 10
In the moonlight — it looks exactly like his drawing.
But no drawing could convey the size of the place — we
are looking at ten thousand square feet. Wealth and
power.
We’re in rolling hill country. The mansion is dark.
Totally deserted. Silence.
Now a sound – TIRES ON GRAVEL. A car comes rolling INTO
VIEW. The motor of the car has been turned off. The
lights of the car have been turned off. The car slides
to a stop. Again, silence…
HOLD ON mansion, a couple of hundred yards away. There
is a small field between the car and the estate. Now —
11 EXT. SULLIVAN MANSION/INT. LUTHER’S CAR – NIGHT 11
A man holds binoculars, studying the place. He wears
dark clothes, tennis shoes. He puts down the binoculars,
begins to smear his face with black camouflage cream —
— it’s Luther, and he’s been a professional thief his
entire life. He’s a three-time loser, but his last
sentence was so long ago and his skills are now so vast,
so refined, that it is unlikely he will ever get caught
again.
12 EXT. SULLIVAN MANSION – GROUNDS – NIGHT 12
The grounds as Luther glides through it. He wears a
backpack.
The night is cool.
He stops. All that separates him from the mansion now is
a stretch of gorgeous lawn. Except for Luther, it isn’t
gorgeous — it’s no-man’s land.
One final check of his surroundings — then he sets off,
in graceful motion, long strides eating up the ground.
He makes no sound at all.
13 EXT. SULLIVAN MANSION – FRONT DOOR – NIGHT 13
Thick wood with reinforced steel.
Luther stops by the door, takes off his backpack, opens
it. He puts on plastic gloves that have a special layer
of padding at the fingertips and palms. Now he takes a
key, inserts it in the front door, turns it, and the
instant he pushes the door open — ZOOM TO:
5.
14 INT. SULLIVAN MANSION – FOYER – NIGHT 14
The infrared SECURITY DETECTOR — it immediately starts
to BEEP and you can see the seconds being counted down:
forty, thirty-nine, thirty —
CUT TO:
15 LUTHER 15
— in his hands now is an automatic screwdriver, no more
than six inches long —
— he sets to work on the security panel that is inside
in the foyer next to the front door.
The screwdriver undoes the first screw, the second —
CUT TO: -
Jim Peacock Great Subtext Scene
What I learned: I’m familiar with subtext, how it is used and how important it is in character development. I look forward to learning more.
When I think of scripts with subtext, When Harry Met Sally immediately comes to mind. An old film, but one of the classic uses of subtext.
Sally
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar.Harry
You’d rather have a passionless marriageSally
and be First Lady of CzecholsovakiaHarry
than live with the man you’ve had the greatest sex of your life withSally
Yes, and so would any woman in her right mindTHIS MIGHT BE CONSIDERED IRONY AT THIS POINT, BUT LATER WE FIND THAT NEITHER THINKS WITHIN THESE NARROW LINES
Harry
Obviously you haven’t had great sex yet.OBVIOUISLY HARRY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH SALLY
Sally
Yes I haveHarry
No you haven’tSally
It just so happens I have had plenty of good sex.Harry
with whom?Sally
What?Harry
Have you had this good sex?Sally
I’m not going to tell you that.Harry
How many men have you slept with?Sally
I’m not going to tell you that.Harry
Okay. Don’t tell meSally
Two.Harry
You’ve been with two people and you’re telling me based on two people you know whether or not you’ve had good sex?Sally
How many have you?Harry
I don’t know.Sally
Is it between zero and three, four and ten, or ten and a hundred?Harry
You’re a very attractive personSally
Oh, thank you…. So you’re coming on to me?Harry
No I wasn’t. Can’t a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?She stares at him
Harry
all right. Let’s just say for the sake of argument it was a come-on. Okay. What do you want me to do? I take it back.Sally
You can’t take it backHarry
Why not?Sally
It’s already out there.THERE IS A GROWING SEXUAL TENSION THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE WHICH CONTINUES GROW THROUGH MOST OF THE MOVIE. AND YET IN THIS OPENING SCENE THEY DO NOTHING BUT ARGUE. BUT IN THE BACKGROUND THE VIEWER EASILY UNDERSTANDS TAHT WHAT THEY’RE SAYING IS NOT WHAT THEY MEAN.
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Jim Peacock’s (I’m back!) Dramatic Choices – Day 1
I watched the first 30 minutes of a Prime Video movie “Out of Time”. Perhaps because I was focused on the dramatic moments, I was amazed at how much drama was created in such a short time:
1) Three time travelers burst through a portal, setting up the dramatic question.
2) A Detective receives a call about a missing person.
3) A man driving on a lonely road and picks up the travelers who take over his body.
4) Detective interviews family and goes in search of old man
5) A second time traveler arrives in pursuit of the first 3.
6) Detective finds missing man and returns him home.
7) Detective comes home to find her husband cheating.
8) Detective, distraught, turns in her resignation but it is refused.
9) Detective is assigned to help pursuer find the 3 travelers.
10) Travelers kill their first host and take on a second host. They visit a space museum and laugh.
11) Detective and pursuer continue looking by car.
I’m surprised at how complex even such a straight-forward story line can be in 30 minutes!
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Jim Peacock’s funny scene
What I learned – what funny is!
My curiosity was piqued by the use of Notting Hill in the lesson
INT. THE BOOKSHOP - DAY It is a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelves everywhere, with little secret bits round corners with even more books. Martin, William's sole employee, is waiting enthusiastically. He is very keen, an uncrushable optimist. Perhaps without cause. A few seconds later, William stands gloomily behind the desk. Even the descriptions are incongruous WILLIAM Classic. Absolutely classic. Profit from major sales push -- minus $B!r(J347. MARTIN Shall I go get a cappuccino? Ease the pain. WILLIAM Yes, better get me a half. All I can afford. Funny because of the many obsolete book purchases (typical) he can't afford a cappuccinol MARIN I get your logic. Demi-capu coming up. He salutes and bolts out the door -- as he does, a woman walks in. We only just glimpse her. Cut to William working. He looks up casually. And sees something. His reaction is hard to read. After a pause... WILLIAM Can I help you? It is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world -- here -- in his shop. The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth. When she speaks she is very self-assured and self-contained. ANNA No, thanks. I'll just look around. WILLIAM Fine. She wanders over to a shelf as he watches her -- and picks out a quite smart coffee table book. WILLIAM That book's really not good -- just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money. ANNA Really? WILLIAM Yes. This one though is... very good. He picks up a book on the counter. WILLIAM I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps. There's also a very amusing incident with a kebab. ANNA Thanks. I'll think about it. William suddenly spies something odd on the small TV monitor beside him. WILLIAM If you could just give me a second. Her eyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shop and approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes. WILLIAM Excuse me. THIEF Yes. WILLIAM Bad news. THIEF What? WILLIAM We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop. THIEF So? WILLIAM So, I saw you put that book down your trousers. THIEF What book? WILLIAM The one down your trousers. THIEF I haven't got a book down my trousers. WILLIAM Right -- well, then we have something of an impasse. I tell you what -- I'll call the police -- and, what can I say? -- If I'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousers scenario, I really apologize. THIEF Okay -- what if I did have a book down my trousers? WILLIAM Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers, and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it. See you in a sec. He returns to his desk. In the monitor we just glimpse, as does William, the book coming out of the trousers and put back on the shelves. The thief drifts out towards the door. Anna, who has observed all this, is looking at a blue book on the counter. WILLIAM Sorry about that... ANNA No, that's fine. I was going to steal one myself but now I've changed my mind. Signed by the author, I see. WILLIAM Yes, we couldn't stop him. If you can find an unsigned copy, it's worth an absolute fortune. She smiles. Suddenly the thief is there. THIEF Excuse me. ANNA Yes. THIEF Can I have your autograph? ANNA What's your name? THIEF Rufus. She signs his scruffy piece of paper. He tries to read it. THIEF What does it say? ANNA Well, that's the signature -- and above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you belong in jail.' THIEF Nice one. Would you like my phone number? ANNA Tempting but... no, thank you. Thief leaves. ANNA I think I will try this one. She hands William a $B!r(J20 note and the book he said was rubbish. He talks as he handles the transaction. WILLIAM Oh -- right -- on second thoughts maybe it wasn't that bad. Actually -- it's a sort of masterpiece really. None of those childish kebab stories you get in so many travel books these days. And I'll throw in one of these for free. He drops in one of the signed books. WILLIAM Very useful for lighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of things. She looks at him with a slight smile. ANNA Thanks. And leaves. She's out of his life forever. William is a little dazed. Seconds later Martin comes back in. MARTIN Cappuccino as ordered. WILLIAM Thanks. I don't think you'll believe who was just in here. MARTIN Who? Someone famous? But William's innate natural English discretion takes over. WILLIAM No. No-one -- no-one. They set about drinking their coffees. MARTIN Would be exciting if someone famous did come into the shop though, wouldn't it? Do you know -- this is pretty incredible actually -- I once saw Ringo Starr. Or at least I think it was Ringo. It might have been that broke from 'Fiddler On The Roof,' Toppy. WILLIAM Topol. MARTIN That's right -- Topol. WILLIAM But Ringo Starr doesn't look anything like Topol. MARTIN No, well... he was quite a long way away. WILLIAM So it could have been neither of them? MARTIN I suppose so. WILLIAM Right. It's not a classic anecdotes, is it? MARTIN Not classic, no. Martin shakes his head. William drains his cappuccino. WILLIAM Right -- want another one? MARTIN Yes. No, wait -- let's go crazy -- I'll have an orange juice. -
Hi, I’m Jim and I’ve written 6 scripts of various kinds. Looking to incorporate humorous characters and lines into my action script.
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2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
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4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Jim’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning
What I learned: Love delving into the subplots
Subplot #1: Jake and Mary slowly fall in love
Subplot #2: Mary and Jean Claude compete for control
Subplot #3: Mary and M are related and loyalty to his cause drives Mary’s actions
Making subplot #1 more meaningful:
* Develop Mary and her motivations more to determine why she’s genuinely attracted to Jake
* Develop Jake’s gradual attraction to Mary
* Increase the underlying competition each feels for their cause and how it keeps them apart
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out of his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
<<Develop why each is attracted to the other.>>
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. They have a long conversation about backstory. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means. <<They wake up and Mary asks him to hold her.>>
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Claude because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio has been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
<<Jake and Mary get together more>>
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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JIm Pass #5: Action / Reaction
What I learned: Wow. This has been so revealing. This chart made me realize how little interaction there is between the Antagonist and Protagonist. That’s that first thing I’m working on.
Concept: Geeky computer nerd hacks into a front for the Russian mob, must escape their clutches and find a way to defeat their plan of world domination, all while falling in love for the first time.
Protagonist’s plan: Defeat M’s plan to control the US by releasing an EMP over the US and hold for ransom.
Protagonist’s character arc: Severe: from wimpy kid unable to make eye contact to a man fighting for what he loves.
Main conflict: M against Jake
I hav a Matrix between M and Jake and Mary and Jake going both ways.
M threatens Jake. Jake runs. Fear
M chases Jake. Jake runs. Fear
M kidnaps Mary and threatens to kill her. Jake calls his bluff. Bravery
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Jim’s NQ 3 and 4
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Every single person in Jake’s world has questionable motives. He can trust no one and must make decisions on his own, resisting pressure from all others.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. was abandoned by his parents at 16 after he got out of juvenile detention for hacking his high school grades. He’a all alone in the world, so shy he can’t look people in the eye. He sits in his dark shabby apartment and hacks small companies. He is an angry young man, for obvious reasons, but matures and gets over it. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratchets up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Emotional Dilemma: Can Jake let his guard down and risk all for love and country?
· A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?
o In the first few scenes, Jake shows how little importance he places on love, law, or other people.
· B. How are both sides of the issue built up?
o Jake keeps his heart closed early, caring only for himself
o Mary lets herself be vulnerable almost from the start
· C. When does the protagonist make the choice?
o In Act II he cares deeply about Mary AND the security of his country
· D. What do they lose in making that choice?
o As written, he wins twice. Probably need to make the loss of Mary more obvious
Theme: One must let down walls, risk pain, to truly experience love – both romantic love and of love of country.
· A. What are both sides of your theme?
o It is better to keep walls up and avoid possible pain
o Love is so important that it is worth opening oneself up and risking hurt
· B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?
o Jake starts out with walls sky high and avoiding all pain
o By the end of the movie, Jake understand the importance of letting down barriers, loving and caring
· C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?
o Jake has risked all for love and fully let down his barriers
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out of his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Claude because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio has been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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Here’s my V3
Below is kind of a combination of this course and the ProSeries that I’m about a month into. Plus a couple of notes to myself at the top. Sorry if that confuses the issue.
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Much more like Bourne – FBI and the Russians are much smarter and can track them.
Mafia is in a Moscow, working freely
Harry may be working with the FBI, but in the end proves himself
Jake is an angry young man, for obvious reasons, but matures and gets over it. Has to to keep Mary.
So how will maturity save the day? Doesn’t but make him open to love, plus he becomes aware of his surroundings
What is Jean Claude’s motivation?
In the final 3-way confrontation, Jake has his finger over the submit button to transfer all the assets. Mogilevich says if Jake pushes the button, he’ll kill Mary. Jake pushes the button??
Harrry goes through a decision – should he fight to protect his little brother, the dingleberry, or continue their alientation and turn him in.
Every single person in Jake’s world has questionable motives. He can trust no one and must make decisions on his own, resisting pressure from all others.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratches up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Jake’s Dilemma: Will Jake have to choose between his heart and his country?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Cleade because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio have been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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Jim Peacock – v3. If anyone is interested in exchanging further feedback I’m in! Some notes to myself about further changes. Thanks for all the help so far!
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Much more like Bourne – FBI and the Russians are much smarter and can track them.
Mafia is in a Moscow, working freely
Harry may be working with the FBI, but in the end proves himself
Jake is an angry young man, for obvious reasons, but matures and gets over it. Has to to keep Mary.
So how will maturity save the day? Doesn’t but make him open to love, plus he becomes aware of his surroundings
What is Jean Claude’s motivation?
In the final 3-way confrontation, Jake has his finger over the submit button to transfer all the assets. Mogilevich says if Jake pushes the button, he’ll kill Mary. Jake pushes the button??
Harrry goes through a decision – should he fight to protect his little brother, the dingleberry, or continue their alientation and turn him in.
Every single person in Jake’s world has questionable motives. He can trust no one and must make decisions on his own, resisting pressure from all others.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratches up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Jake’s Dilemma: Will Jake have to choose between his heart and his country?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Cleade because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio have been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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Jim Peacock’s Pass 3 – NQ 1 & 2 (significant changes)
What I learned: Really enjoying fleshing out the elements of this screenplay. It’s coming along!
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratches up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Jake’s Dilemma: Will Jake have to choose between his heart and his country?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Cleade because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio have been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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Jim Peacock SLW v2, request for feedback
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the General through cunning and deception, all while falling in love for the first time.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life, and is capable of making difficult choices to protect his country.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by the owner of Hallak Cleaners, standing in front of the store. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into dry cleaner’s website and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. HASHD AL-SHAABI TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
General Mohammad Raad is pissed that someone has hacked into his brother’s cleaning company as it was used to funnel money to his militia. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack Hallak Cleaners? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary for both of them. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think the general is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. He invites them to his villa as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. Harry does some heavy soul searching. (In flashbacks??) We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents and kicked him out. He finally decides Jake is the only family he has, takes a leave of absence and flies to Quebec to help.
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze the General’s current strength and location, and recruit mercenaries (??).
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane who can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
EXT. GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
General makes plans to mobilize and put the plan into motion.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. JAKE’S HIDEOUT – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake discovers assets belonging to the General in multiple banks and other operations worth $1B. He hacks them all and freezes the assets. The general is livid and threatens to kill Mary. We begin to suspect that Mary is the General’s niece.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and, together with wounded Jean Claude (who he has exonerated) find Mary (who doesn’t seem to be very captive. They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General himselfdd and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General to maintain her cover.
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I just posted this in the Request for Exchange topic. Hope that was the right place. Would love to exchange feedback with any and all.
Concept: A painfully shy overweight hacker, Jake (skinny to his friends) stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group (Hashd al-Shaabi) to awaken a loose group of loyalists inside the US military to help deploy a dirty bomb (EMP) over the US. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s plot, all while finally opening his heart and falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into his world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being able to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3 or 4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransom attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn the extent of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. FRENCH VILLAGE – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and freezes all their assets – $1.5 billion. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and find Mary with him (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
<br clear=”all”>
Day 8 assignment
Plot/Structure:
from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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Jim Peacock – Request for Feedback Exchange
Here is my latest Story Logic Web, with plot in structure:
Concept: A painfully shy overweight hacker, Jake (skinny to his friends) stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group (Hashd al-Shaabi) to awaken a loose group of loyalists inside the US military to help deploy a dirty bomb (EMP) over the US. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s plot, all while finally opening his heart and falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into his world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being able to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3 or 4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransom attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn the extent of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. FRENCH VILLAGE – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and freezes all their assets – $1.5 billion. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and find Mary with him (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
<br clear=”all”>
Day 8 assignment
Plot/Structure:
from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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Jim Peacock’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
Concept: A computer hacker discovers a plot to release a dirty bomb, and must find a way to foil the antagonist’s plot, all while trying to protect his heart from his newfound love.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The shy 20ish geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Plot/Structure: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Opening Scene: Jake hacks bank out of revenge and holds its data ransom. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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Jim Peacock’s First Pass
What I learned: What a great process for developing my script! Here’s my first pass!
Concept: A painfully shy hacker stumbles on a plot by a middle eastern militia to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: Underdog / Maturation – Jake, our young, shy hacker, is no match for the powerful general. But through cunning and a growing self-confidence he is able to thwart the general’s evil scheme. All of this occurs while Jake and Mary slowly let down their barriers and learn to let someone in and love for the first time.
Structure:
Opening Scene: Jake hacks the bank out of revenge and discovers a plot by the militia general to get a dirty bomb and release. This after he holds the bank’s assets for ransom. He realizes they may come after him and he’s worried. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also come looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Skinny enlists his brother from there.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is captured by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and killed by Mary. But Mary helps Skinny and her escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Skinny knows and to give the money back.
Climax: Skinny takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and demands that Mary be released.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America.
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into their world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he finally let in.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being abl to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Scene:
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and holding it for ransom. We learn this is what he does “for a living” with small companies and only a small % of their assets. He’s a nice ransomware guy. He chats on the dark web with his only friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
Inciting Incident:
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Jake runs into Mary, Jake’s doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish but dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway. As someone storms up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks, assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast US conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice and Harry tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared too. They don’t touch but after Jake’s asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
Page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory. Convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.
INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, who eventually catch them.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
They go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. They decide that they must go back to defeat this evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
Jake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) but finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul?]
EXT. FRENCH VILLAGE – DAY
The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over and ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
The group discovers that she has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and moves all of their assets – $1.5 billion into Jake’s new account in the Caymans. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the lair, and find Mary (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general and his evil mignons.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
-
Jim Peacock’s Basic Structure
1. Logline – A shy computer nerd mistakenly hacks into a money laundering front for an Iranian militia and discovers a plot to release an EMP over the eastern US, and must stop the general’s plan and so chose between the woman he has grown to love or saving his country.
2. 9-beat structure
1. Opening: Skinny hacks the bank out of revenge, and discovers a plot by the Iranian general to get a dirty bomb and release. This after he holds the bank’s assets for ransom. He realizes what he’s done and is worried. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack.
2. Inciting Incident: Soon after his apartment is invaded by killers. He narrowly escapes with the help of his neighbor Mary.
3. By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run.
5. Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil. Plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is captured by the general, and Skinny which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and killed by Mary. But May helps Skinny and her escape.
7. Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Skinny knows and to give the money back.
8. Climax: Skinny takes all of the bank’s assets – 2.5 Billion and demands that Mary be released.
9. Resolution -
Jim Peacock’s Necessary Questions
Concept: A painfully shy computer nerd accidentally hacks into the money laundering front of an Iranian militia, and must find a way to stop the General’s evil plan he discovers there for dominating the world, all while trying to win the love of his female doppelgänger.
Dramatic Question: Will Skinny defeat the General and rescue his girlfriend.
Main Conflict: The General awakens sleeper cells in the US military loyal to Iran. Skinny must defeat this powerful, dedicated idealist before the US is destroyed.
Main Character’s Dilemma: Skinny must decide between the woman he loves and the country he loves.
Theme: There’s someone for everyone, and love conquers all.
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What I learned: FEEDBACK SWAP WANTED I know I’m late to the party as I’m in another class
(ProSeries) that has been consuming my time. So, I’m going to approach this a
little differently.Thriller Map: Here’s an overview of the plot and the characters.
1. Concept: A painfully shy geek, no family, no friends, stumbles on a plot by a middle eastern militia to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female alter ego.
3. Lead Characters:
a. Skinny – Lives alone in Manhattan, computer genius, shy, overweight, no friends, earns his money by holding small companies hostage for small sums. He comes alive in front of a computer. Abandoned by family.
b. The General – Head of a middle eastern militia who plans to awaken Iranian sleeper cells embedded in the US military to ignite an EMD (Electro-magnetic device) to destroy all technology – all in revenge against the US military.
c. Alicia – Skinny’s doppelganger who lives across the hall and has always had a thing for Skinny. Waitress on the night shift at Denny’s. Abandoned by family. Dark complexion.
d. Jean Claude – French Canadian who is Skinny’s friend on the dark web and comes to join the effort. Family from Morocco. Muslim. Jean Claude is defined by his obsession with conspiracy theories – especially those about the US government being controlled by the elite.
Our protagonist, Skinny, lives in a run-down apartment in Manhattan. Over the course of 120 minutes he experiences a strong arc from shy geek to a man out to save his country and the woman he loves. The General is a powerful, ruthless man who believes in his mission more than life. While the interaction between these two characters plays out, the relationship between Skinny and Alicia will continue to slowly grow from the first scene to the last. First touch to first kiss and beyond. This subplot will take up nearly as much screen time as the main plot.
OPENING: Skinny hacks and holds for ransom a small local bank in retaliation for the guard tripping him. We set up the current world where Skinny is made fun of for his weight and his inability to communicate. He’s alone except for his late-night companion on the dark web, Jean Claude. Skinny survives by hacking and holding small companies for ransom for smaller amounts – $5,000 or so. This keeps him under the FBI’s radar – or so he thinks! The security guard in front of the bank downstairs trips him and laughs about it – just one more in a life of slights and hurts. He responds by hacking the bank and holding it for $50,000 ransom. In the process he uncovers a plot to hijack the US military and gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mystery: Why is Skinny important to our story? What has he gotten himself into?
INCITING INCIDENT: Late at night Jean Claude hears chatter on the dark web that Skinny is about to be raided and killed by mercenaries. As he runs out of his shabby apartment with his laptop under his arm, he runs into Alicia coming in off waitressing at Denny’s. He takes refuge in her apartment and together they watch in horror while unknown individuals in Army uniforms ransack his apartment. Once these mercenaries leave, the FBI is close behind and raid as well. They’ve been monitoring him with a hidden camera and mic and know the backstory. They assume he’s been kidnapped and killed.
Life Threatening 1: Who is trying to kill him?
Mystery: Is Alicia in on the scheme?
Jean Claude comes from Quebec with his mom’s car to help.
Mystery: Is Jean Claude in with the mercenaries?
TURNING POINT 1: The trio is captured by the FBI and asked to help in capturing the General. The FBI wants to know what they know. But Jean Claude thinks it’s all a conspiracy and convinces the other two not to tell. The agree to wear a wire and go to the bank, but as soon as they’re released they make a run for Canada.
Mystery: What does the FBI really want with him?
Life Threatening: The FBI tells them they’re all going to jail if they don’t cooperate.
MIDPOINT: The trio is captured by the General who explains his diabolical plot.
Life threatening 2: Will Skinny and gang be killed?
Mystery: Who is in on the plot? Jean Claude? Alicia?
Mystery 6: What does the General’s want?
Villains Plan: General has infiltrated the US Military to gain access to Cheyenne Mountain
The trio escape into Canada just as the militiamen are about to catch them. They are all in the US military and can’t use their passports or documents to cross the border without raising red flags. There Skinny reveals that he’s got $200,000 stashed in a Cayman Island bank.
Turning point: But when he checks his account is empty. They’re out of money. They visit Jean Claude’s uncle – also a conspiracy theorist – who researches and tells them more details about the general’s plot. Advice: cut off the head of command and control and the army and the plot will fall apart. They must kill the general.
Mystery 8: Jean Claude is exposed as in on the plot by Alicia. But Alicia claims Jean Claude is in on the plot with the general. Both have “proof” Mexican standoff and Skinny must chose.
Turning Point: Of course Skinny picks Alicia (bad choice as we will come to find out).
TURNING POINT: Alicia is shot by Jean Claude and ultimately kidnapped and held for ransom by the guerillas. Jean Claude and Skinny move on after a painful reconciliation.
Life threatening: Will Alicia be killed?
Villain’s Plan: Hold Alicia hostage – they rightfully think Skinny is in love – to make him reveal what he knows and pay the money back. They then plan to kill everyone. the $800 Million back.
The general gives Skinny a computer and demands return of the money. Instead, Skinny transfers all the banks assets into his Cayman account – $2.3 billion and demands the release of Alicia.
Climax: With this money the trio enlist the services of their own band of mercenaries and ultimately the general is killed – by the hand of Skinny – and the plot is foiled.
RESOLUTION: Skinny and Alicia are reunited and live happily … but as the credits roll she has an evil look in her eye and we understand she will continue the fight to release an EMP.
Lots of gigantic holes. I’m working on them.
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Jim Peacock Dramatic Plots 2
What I learned: This is actually a lot of fun, and helping me find new pathways in my script.
1. Transformation: A painfully shy computer geek who begins our story unable to make eye contact, accepts the mantle of warrior thrust upon him, and ultimately transforms into a destroyer of men for love of country and the woman he loves. (maybe a tad too strong a pitch??)
2. Love: Two star-crossed lovers overcome barriers in ideology, ethnic backgrounds, and opposites sides in the war on America to be together forever – or not.
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PS80 Jim Peacock Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned: Wow, there are so many ways I could structure the plot to focus on several of these dramatic plots. Here are my top two. (I wish I was smart enough to use the Riddle!)
1. Pursuit: A team of marginalized geeks is pursued by middle eastern terrorists, by the FBI and by other unnamed mercenaries. But our hero finds a way to use his knowledge of military games, computer hacking, to turn the pursuers into the pursued.
2. Underdog: A painfully shy, lonely geek is asked to match forces with a militia general with the power and money of an entire army behind him. He is the personification of evil, while our hero isn’t able to make eye contact – at least on page one.
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PS80 Jim Peacock Character Structure
What I learned: I’ve never heard of character structure, so this was definitely a learning experience
1. Concept: A painfully shy geek stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia general to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He must then run from them as well as the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female doppelgänger.
2. Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist
3. Lead Characters:
a. Skinny – Lives alone, shy overweight, no friends or family, can’t talk to others unless he’s on the computer. Then he comes alive. He’s been fired from every job he’s ever had and now earns his money by hacking small companies and holding them for small ransom amounts to stay below the FBI’s radar – or so he thinks! Abandoned by family.
b. The General – Evil personified, head of a middle eastern Iranian-backed militia who is driven to seek revenge on the US by awakening Iranian loyalists enlisted in the US military to help him in igniting an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) over the eastern half of the country.
c. Alicia – Skinny’s love interest, the geeky, overweight girl across the hall that’s been flirting with Skinny for years — all to no avail. Works night shift at Denny’s. Abandoned by family. Dark complexion.
d. Jean Luc – French Canadian, Skinny’s only friend on the dark web. A major conspiracy theorist, steals his mom’s car to drive to NYC to help the pair. Family from Morocco. Muslim. Dark complexion.
4. Character Structure – Our protagonist, Skinny experiences a strong arc from painfully shy geek to a man out to save his country and the woman he loves. The antagonist, the general, is a powerful, ruthless man who believes in his mission over his own life. While the interaction between these two characters plays out, the slow-evolving relationship between Skinny and Alicia will continue to grow from the first scene to the last – with a little angst along the way.
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I agree to the terms of this release form.
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Thriller Plot!
What I learned: Continue to gain new insights into developing the plot.
OPENING: Skinny (20-something, nerdy,
overweight) hacks a small local bank in retaliation for the guard tripping
him.Mystery 1: Why is Skinny so concerned?
Mystery 2: Who
is Bastien?INCITING
INCIDENT: Late at night he
hears chatter that he’s about to be raided and killed. He runs to his neighbor
(an equally geeky girl) and watches in horror while unknown individuals in
Army uniforms ransack his apartment. FBI are close behind and raid as well.Life
Threatening 1: Who is trying to kill him?Mystery 3: Is
Alicia in on the scheme?TURNING POINT 1: He is captured by the FBI
and asked to help in capturing the General.Mystery 4: What
does the FBI want with him?Mystery 5: Will
Skinny and the gang get out of this?MIDPOINT: He is captured by the General who
explains his diabolical plot.Life
threatening 2: Will Skinny and gang be killed?Mystery 6: What
is the General’s motivation?Villains Plan: General
has infiltrated the US Military to gain access to Cheyenne MountainTURNING POINT 2: Alicia is kidnapped and held
for ransom.Life threatening
3: Will Alicia be killed?Mystery 7: Is
Alicia the good guy or the bad guy?Mystery 8: Is
Bastien the good guy or the bad guy?Villain’s Plan:
Hold Alicia hostage to make Skinny the $800 Million back.CLIMAX: Skinny foils the general’s plan with
computer cunning and kills himLife
Threatening 4: Everyone is at risk of getting killedMystery 9: How
is Skinny going to save the gang?
Mystery 10: Who’s
side are Bastien and Alicia on?RESOLUTION: Skinny and Alicia are reunited and
live happily ever after. -
Jim Peacock Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned: Fun learning to add life-threatening situations. I’ll add more.
What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?
The general’s plan is to invade a military installation and release an electronic magnetic pulse to destroy all computers, cars, and military guidance systems. He’ll then hold the US hostage. Skinny gets in his way and must be stopped – killed if necessary.
What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
1. Being chased by FBI
2. Being chased by Interpol
3. Being captured and killed by general
4. Loss of love
5. Loss of all financial assets
<div>Life Threatening Sequence:</div><div>
1. Skinny’s home is invaded
2. FBI invades him home looking for him
3. Someone is trying to kill him and chases his team
4. Alphonse is a traitor and could kill him
5. Gang of 3 is caught and nearly killed
6. FBI pursues them. Do they want to kill him?
7. Caught and sent to general’s lair in Canada
8. Nearly killed – again
</div>
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Jim Peacock Mystery Sequence
As always I’ve learned about how to layer. I’ve heard it obviously forever but it’s always been a fear of mine. Practicing it has been good for me.
The General’s secret is that he’s plotting to break into Cheyenne Mountain with Iranian loyalists who have infiltrated the American military. This will give him access to nuclear weapons.
Mystery 1 – Who is trying to kill Skinny and why? Is it the US Army?
— Skinny barely escapes as US military-clad soldiers invade his apartment
— These military agents continue the chase and eventually capture him, but are discovered to be FBI re his hacking
Mystery 2 – Is Alicia an agent of the General? Why?
— Alicia could easily pass for a your Iranian. Is she involved?
— She woos and eventually catches the eye of Skinny. Is it real?
Mystery 3 – Is Bastien an agent of the General? Why?
— Bastien is French Canadian, but dark complected. Is he an agent?
— Bastien may work for the General; or something is fishy
Mystery 4 – Why is the FBI chasing Skinny and gang?
— It turns out to be, in the third act, a Iranian/Iraqi militia commander
Mystery 5 – Once the plot discovered, can the General be stopped?
— Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion
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After taking several courses I’m beginning to warm to – or at least accept – the lack of feedback. Being old school I’m just used to this security blanket.
I also appreciated the 1% a day philosophy and the philosophy of just writing g forgetting heater it’s good or not. Looking forward to the journey.
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I learned the important principle that you need to develop your villains plan thoroughly as a first step in writing your story. Coincidentally, I read in a separate book the same thing recently. Your villain comes first.
My villain, an Iranian militia general, has a great plan to take over th US military installation at Cheyenne Mountain, and hold the country for ransom.
This is accomplished by a decades-old plan to infiltrate the army with those loyal to Iran. They will “leave the gate open” to give him and his group access.
The general hates America because they killed his family in an airstrike.
Loyalists have been living American military lives. But it is essential that this plan remain secret.
He will accomplish this by:
1. Call up existing loyalists in the US Army
2. Keep the plan secret
3. Smuggle himself into the country
4. Be ready when the day arrives
5. Take over the facility and lock the door behind him. (The place can withstand a nuclear explosion.)
6. Hold the country for ransom with his finger on the red button.
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Hi, all. My name is Jim Peacock and I’ve written and optioned 2 screenplays. I have 2 pilots under my belt but neither of them has sold. I grew up overseas which I think gives me a distinctly world view in my writing.
I hope to learn as much as I can about this craft. It seems that every time I write I get a little bit better.
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I agree
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SOTL stacking assignment 2
Well I was assuming we were to post the Excel spreadsheet for Silence of the Lambs. I guess we are simply to describe what we learned. I’ll forgo a detailed list as I’m not sure how I”m to transpose all of that data, so I’ll summarize what I learned:
I don’t think I’m the only student who was having trouble discerning the shading difference between Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense in a scene, and then layering the MIS of the relevant character on top of that. But after using the chart, and going back over lesson 3 and 4, I have a better understanding of these meanings, and their importance in every scene of a movie.
A thriller is all about layering innuendo, red herring, and a deepening mystery in every scene. To be frank, while SOTL is a classic movie and superbly written, I don’t personally thinks it fits the metaphor we’re reviewing perfectly as far as MIS. Yes, it does increase the stakes – at least for the senator’s daughter – but the mystery is consistent from scene to scene, and the intrigue is fairly even. Stakes get bigger, but in my view the plot is much more linear than I remember. And even in this sense, I see how the thriller conventions have changed since this movie was made over 20 years ago. I have a better idea what to do as well as what not to do!
Jim
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Analysis of Basic Instinct
What I learned – I think the main thing I came away with is a better understanding of the 3 components of MIS.
Review:
The mystery of the movie is set up in the very first scene – as a thriller should be. Who is this woman who killed
In the second scene we ask who is Catherine.
3: who is Roxy; who is Catherine??
4: basically a continuation of scene 3, with higher stakes
5: The mystery again deepens, and the real antagonist is introduce. So doesn’t seem that even at this point.
6: Catherine deepens the mystery further
7:
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Jim P – Big M.I.S.
What I learned: I learned how to verbalize the genre conventions of my movie.
Logline: A young hacker and conspiracy theorist, and the girl next door, seek to discover the truth about a possible conspiracy while being pursued by a powerful unknown villain.
<div>Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Jake is addicted to doing villainous things on the computer. He seeks the truth at all cost. Starting out as retiring and shy, Jake learns to fight for what he believes is right.
</div><div>Dangerous Villain: Dr. Love has the power of governments as well as the underworld behind him. He is all-powerful.
High stakes: Jake’s life unless he surrenders or beats Dr. Love at the cat and mouse game.
Life and death situations: Jake faces numerous situations where his life is inn peril, and later those he cares for.
This story is thrilling because: no one is who they seem to be, making the risk of death ever greater.
</div>Big Mystery: What does Jake know that Dr. Love wants? What is Love hiding?
<div class=””>Big Intrigue: Does Jake give in to Dr. Love or does he defeat him?</div><div>Big Suspense: Will Jake survive? Will Alicia and Uncle Albert survive? At what cost?
</div>
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Thriller Conventions: Wander
What I learned: thrillers are quite structured – as is any movie – and there are specific conventions we must follow.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Arthur Bretnik who in his search for a conspiracy is duped into doing the villains bidding, driving himself crazy in the process.<div>
Dangerous Villain: Canton and Jimmy Kleats
High stakes: Arthur risks death, but is driven crazy and ultimately kills himself
Life and death situations: Arthur believes he’s been implanted and that he will die. All around him are being killed by…?
This movie is thrilling because we never know whether the conspiracy is real or the delusions of a madman. Everyone keeps dying.
What is the BIG Mystery: Who is implanting aliens?
Intrigue: Is this a conspiracy or an evil among individuals?
Suspense: Will Aurthur discover the plot, or will he go mad?
</div><div>
Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller: In a lot of ways the movie was confusingly plotted and overly complicated, hard to follow. But the down ending was an interesting twist.
</div>
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(let me try again as my first attempt had a runtime error)
My name is Jim Peacock and I’ve written 2 screenplays, both of which were optioned but never produced. One was runner up in the Charleston Film Festival. One was about the life of Shakespeare as told from the perspective of the sonnets, and one was about growing up in Africa.
I grew up overseas until college which gives my work a global perspective.
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Hi, all. Jim Peacock here. I wrote two screenplays about 20 years ago – both optioned but never produced. Now I want to get back into it and am really interested in learning more about the complex format of thrillers. More recently I’ve written 2 TV series, each of which I’ll work on at some point again in the future.
I grew up overseas and only came back to the states to attend college. So I definitely have an international perspective that I hope to parlay into a successful thriller.
Jim
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JIm Peacock
I agree to the contents of this release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hey, Jeff. I’m totally into that if you’re still around. Some have checked out.
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Hi, John. I really like your concept. We need another trip movie! Great choice to create a deadline.
I’m having a hard time envisioning the 2 kids as the antagonists, especially with the dramatic question involving repercussions fro Don. Could the Don intervene in the journey at various points to heighten the risks. Right now there is little risk other than whether the family will get along. 🙂
If you stay with these necessary questions then I think there needs to be more. The boys don’t see that evil, or even antagonistic – just rambunctious kids. I like the FBI coming in during the Climax. Can they possibly come in earlier?
Love what you’ve done. I can truly see this as a movie!
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Thanks for the Awesome feedback, Armand. First I guess I should post v3 if we’re still doing this. I’ve made some things clearer. Also, the antagonist is now the Russian Mafia, and everyone is located in Coney Island. Instead of a dirty bomb, I’m thinking about trying to hack an election?? More cerebral problem, and possibly a more cerebral solution.
Good thought about getting the audience engaged early. I’ve heard that and will see what I can do. I see them all as sympathetic characters to begin, but evolving empathy as we progress.
GREAT point about dramatic question taking a backseat. Definitely need to work on that over the next 4 days.
Thanks for the input on arc – a bit for everyone. Great feedback. Thanks.
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Hi, Pablo. Hoping it’s okay to provide feedback:
First off, I LOVE the premise. It’s a fresh twist on the game plot we’ve all seen.
I’m glad you’re setting up Frank and his plan early so it can dovetail into the story.
But it seems there needs to be more risk from the outset rather than just being followed. We see the threat, but Irma does not. Can there be some direct interaction against Irma? Maybe Frank is scared of losing so either sends in his own mercearies, or attacks them in the air?
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Hi, Armand. Here’s my feedback.
Concept: Interesting concept, and I can really see this movie in my mind. Will be fun!
Characters: I’m a bit confused with the protag/antag. The killer is not the antagonist, but the girlfriend of the ghost/lead character/protagonist?
How does the the ghost manifest on the screen? If ala “Ghost” then how will you differentiate from that movie? Also, how do Tyler and Maddie defeat the killer? Pretty important consideration.
Loved the script and I’m looking forward to reading more.
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Hi, Armand. I’d love to exchange feedback.
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Elizabeth, I’d love to continue exchanging – not only in this module, but moving forward. Great.
I think Hal mentioned that he’s going to give us some time to collaborate. Was it 15 days? I’ll have go to back and look
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Hey, John. Would love to swap feedback.
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Elizabeth, what great feedback. Very helpful and I’ve been scribbling notes to myself as I read. Yes, I just completed Hal’s Thriller class, and this script came from what I worked on in that class!
Love the idea about making Harry’s loyalty not a sure thing. It’s all about making the loyalties and agendas of every character a question mark. Some of your questions are already answered, but others are not and I need to develop these all significnatly more – hopefully in the character module.
Thank you!
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Thanks for the feedback, Rob. I did reply via email but wanted to thank you again here. Very helpful feedback.
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Hi, Elizabeth. Hope it’s okay to reply here. Your email bounced.
Hey, Elizabeth! Here’s my feedback. Loved the read!!
Logline: based on the little I know, the logline needs to be 1 sentence in order to be called high concept. Something that can be told quickly, in an elevator pitch. This can definitely be done with what you have; just may take a little work. 🙂 Format: A ________ does what to accomplish _______. Maybe “A retired psychiatrist comes out of retirement to ?.” Not sure what he’s trying to accomplish based on your logline.
Dramatic Question: Where are the stakes. Having your protagonist figure out how to share is not nearly the stakes I think a producer is going to want to see.
Main conflict: I don’t see one. Can you insert an antagonist who creates conflict? Maybe Mike? While I really enjoyed the script, I again just done’ see much conflict here. It’s a good story but may not make as good a movie. The bright side is that I see tons of ways for you to add conflict to the script. Create some bigger bumps along the way. 🙂
Resolution: Do you see the resolution as only a series of shots? That may be because there’s no conflict to resolve. Just a warm fuzzy. 🙂
Is this more a love story, or an increasing ability to open one’s heart? I really enjoyed the angst each of the characters showed. Grace in particular seems to have a lot of issues. But do we know why? What’s the backstory here? Maybe you can set up a reason why she’s this way?
Loved the read!
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Great feedback, Julia. Thank you so much. You make some eye-opening comments that I’ll be addressing.
The middle eastern group is based on a real collection of disparate militia groups, trying to form a bond. But I haven’t researched that a great deal. That is a significant shortcoming. After a lot of research, I’ll need to define who my true antagonist is, backstory, and how best to fold that into my plot. For me this is more a love story, and I love that angle.
Good point about naturalist vs SFX. I see this not as a James Bond movie, but very much naturalistic.
Thanks again!
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Hey, Rob. I think we send feedback via mail?? Mine is spwriter@yahoo.com
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Hi, Rob. I’d be happy to exchange feedback if you like.
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Elizabeth of course! Tomorrow or the next is fine. Thanks. I’ll do the same. I assume we post here?
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That would be awesome Jeff. Here is the most recent. Email is spwriter@yahoo.com
Concept: A painfully shy hacker stumbles on a plot by a middle eastern militia to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: Underdog / Maturation – Jake, our young, shy hacker, is no match for the powerful general. But through cunning and a growing self-confidence he is able to thwart the general’s evil scheme. All of this occurs while Jake and Mary slowly let down their barriers and learn to let someone in and love for the first time.
Structure:
Opening Scene: Jake hacks the bank out of revenge and discovers a plot by the militia general to get a dirty bomb and release. This after he holds the bank’s assets for ransom. He realizes they may come after him and he’s worried. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also come looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Skinny enlists his brother from there.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is captured by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and killed by Mary. But Mary helps Skinny and her escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Skinny knows and to give the money back.
Climax: Skinny takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and demands that Mary be released.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America.
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into their world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he finally let in.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being abl to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Scene:
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and holding it for ransom. We learn this is what he does “for a living” with small companies and only a small % of their assets. He’s a nice ransomware guy. He chats on the dark web with his only friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
Inciting Incident:
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Jake runs into Mary, Jake’s doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish but dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway. As someone storms up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks, assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast US conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice and Harry tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared too. They don’t touch but after Jake’s asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
Page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory. Convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.
INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, who eventually catch them.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
They go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. They decide that they must go back to defeat this evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
Jake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) but finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul?]
EXT. FRENCH VILLAGE – DAY
The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over and ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
The group discovers that she has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and moves all of their assets – $1.5 billion into Jake’s new account in the Caymans. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the lair, and find Mary (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general and his evil mignons.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
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Jim (?) that might be fun. SU expects us to interact among ourselves so I don’t see a problem among consenting adults.
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Aha, Jeff. And therein lies the mystery! Actually, for backstory the general is a strong idealist, but it’s not him that gets into the country. It’s his sleeper cell that has infiltrated the US Military over the past decade, now 2 are assigned to Cheyenne Mountain. (Work with me..!) I know it’s a bit of stretch, but it really does seem to work for me. I agree I might need to adjust some elements, but I’m going with this angle for now.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by James Peacock.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Thanks. Lots of kinks to work out, and I need to do a lot of layering, but the kernel is there.