Jane Turville
Forum Replies Created
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Jane’s Target Market
I learned from this assignment the value of sticking with a genre for marketing ease. I have a list of 250+ managers that I marketed my TV pilot to in the Binge-Worthy class. My project for that class was a mystery thriller. While I still need to individually check each name I have to make sure they’re still with the same company, I have a really good start for email marketing. And, for the ones who requested the TV pilot, I have a new script to send them!! Yay!!!
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Jane’s Phone Pitch
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned some similarities and difference between talking in person and talking on the phone. The phone questions are much more about the manager/producer’s situation (Why us? Who has seen it?), than the actual story. This is definitely a business call and that is actually a helpful way to think of it. Much less intimidating.
I will lead my phone pitch with credibility in the industry
“Hi, my name is Jane Turville and I am an award winning screenwriter and film producer. I have a comedy/mystery feature script titled NOT A CLUE! Would you like to hear the concept? (pause and hope for a yes). What if two of Agatha Christie’s most beloved detectives competed to see which one is the world’s greatest sleuth?
Budget: $5M – $10M, as a limited location story, it’s more toward the lower end of the range.
Actors: Emma Thompson and Hugh Laurie, but depending on budget, could be any of the wonderful British character actors.
Length: 124 pages
Who has seen it? I’ve just launched marketing this script OR I’ve just launched marketing this script and have X managers/producers reviewing it.
Why us? I was excited to share it with you because I loved (movie name) OR Based on (specific names of projects they have done) I thought this script might interest you.
How does it end? June and Percival catch the killer together. The end of the story is a mad car chase as June and Percival find the fortune, which has been hiding in plain sight the entire time.
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Jane’s Pitch Fest Pitch
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that I had forgotten what my acts were!!! I had to go back to the script and luckily, there they are! By writing this down, I gained a bit of confidence in talking about the story without going into detail, which I tend to do. Shutting up is hard for me.
Credibility: I am an award winning screenwriter and film producer.
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Hook: What if two of Agatha Christie’s most beloved detectives competed to see which one is the world’s greatest sleuth?
Budget: $5M – $10M, as a limited location story, it’s more toward the lower end of the range.
Actors: Emma Thompson and Hugh Laurie, but could be any of the wonderful British character actors.
Act 1: Amateur sleuth June Marvel moves into Shady Acres, an assisted living and rehab home only to discover that the renowned detective Percival Heriot has also moved in. When he publicly insults her, June challenges him to a contest to see which of them is the best detective.
Act 2: A staff member is murdered and the person helping June with her contest “crime” disappears. The evidence points to Percival. Separately, June and Percival set out to solve these crimes.
Act 3: When a resident is poisoned with chocolates meant for June, Percival reveals his true reason for being at Shady Acres is to find a stolen fortune. With this knowledge, June brings all the clues together, but Percival won’t listen to her.
Act 4: Separately, they both set a trap for the killer. Their traps collide and together they solve the case.
The story ends with a car chase as June and Percival find the fortune, which has been hiding in plain sight the entire time.
Credibility:
Of the nine feature scripts that I’ve written, seven have won screenwriting
contests. I have done paid writing
assignments, including a feature film.
My short films have been screened at numerous film festivals and my award-winning
educational films have been aired on PBS. -
Jane’s Query Letter
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that my short pitch is effective. I tried it out on several friends, and they all laughed or smiled and said “Yes” they would like to read it!
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
What if two of Agatha Christie’s most well-loved detectives competed to see which one is the world’s greatest sleuth?
NOT A CLUE! is a contained parody on tea cozy murder mysteries. In this buddy movie gone wrong, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove who is the greatest detective. When someone is actually murdered, the competition is derailed and they are forced to work together to solve the case or become the killer’s next victims.
I am an award winning screenwriter, producer and life-long fan of tea cozy murder mysteries.
If this concept appeals, I would be happy to send you the script for review.
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Jane’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was forced to think about what is funny in the way that I present the project. The idea of two iconic sleuths competing to see which one is the best detective is the funny/fun thing that makes this story comedic. I think the high concept gets this across. However, I stumbled on the Elevator Pitch because in trying to make it shorter, I took out the competition part and the whole thing just went blah. So, I stuck with the longer version for now.
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
High Concept:
What if two of Agatha Christie’s most well-loved detectives competed to see which one is the world’s greatest detective?
Elevator Pitch:
What are your working on?
I just finished a parody on tea cozy murder mysteries where a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective but end up being forced to work together to solve a murder before they both become the next victims.
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Jane’s Synopsis Hooks
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I realized that the biggest draw or interest for this story are the characters June and Percival. Everything revolves around what they do and how they behave. I think this is the strongest selling point for both a producer and a manager. That said, I feel like highlighting the characters in a pitch is a top priority. I think. I did notice that this version of the synopsis is pretty much the 10 Most Interesting Things list.
HOOKS
1. Protagonist June Marvel is competitive, jealous, cranky, and doesn’t care much for people.
2. Protagonist/Antagonist renowned detective Percival Heriot moonlights as Aunt Lily, a lonely-hearts advice columnist.
3. Shady Acres, the assisted living/rehab home June and Percival find themselves in is actually a compound for a mob bosses extended family.
4. June challenges Percival to a sleuth-off – they each commit a “crime” that the other must solve in 48 hours.
5. June and Percival’s mock crimes cover for a very real murder when physical therapist Frances is found dead just after the competition starts. All clues point to Percival as the killer.
6. June’s “missing person crime” goes south when the person, Eloise, disappears.
7. Percival is nearly boiled to death in the sauna.
8. Poison chocolates are sent to June, supposedly from Percival. Now someone also wants June dead!
9. Percival reveals his reason for being at Shady Acres is to find a missing fortune. June discovers the fortune hidden in plain sight.
10. When Percival won’t listen to her, June sets her own trap for the killer.
It’s a First – While there are silly mysteries out there, we haven’t seen a Miss Marple-like character and a Poirot-like character team up to solve a mystery. We also haven’t seen them outside of their world as serious sleuths.
Great Role for Bankable Actor – A fun role for older actors and a chance to play a comic version of two of the world’s most beloved detectives.
Synopsis – Draft 1
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
We meet June Marvel as a swashbuckling hero, only to discover she’s a 70-year-old woman recovering from a hip replacement. In addition to being a renowned toxicologist, June is competitive, jealous, cranky, and doesn’t care much for people.
She’s quite different than Percival Heriot who besides being self-absorbed, fastidious, insecure, with a deep need to be admired, is one of the world’s most celebrated super-sleuths. No one would suspect that he moonlights as Aunt Lily, a lonely hearts advice columnist.
Both are first-rate detectives. But which one is the world’s greatest detective?
We’re about to find out as June and Percival move into Shady Acres, an assisted living/rehab home where, unbeknownst to them, the staff and many of the residents are the extended family of the notorious mob boss Tweedy Duffle.
When Percival arrives, boastful and arrogant, June can’t resist challenging him to a sleuth-off – each will commit a “crime” that the other must solve in 48 hours. But their mock crimes go south when a staff member is murdered, all the clues point to Percival as the killer and Eloise, the subject of June’s “missing person crime,” actually disappears.
To find Eloise and the murderer, June and Percival must team up. But working together isn’t so easy. Even when Percival is nearly boiled to death in the sauna and June narrowly escapes death by poison chocolate, neither wants the other to outshine them.
When Percival reveals a missing fortune stolen by Tweedy Duffle is his reason for being at Shady Acres, the pieces of the puzzle begin to assemble for June. But Percival will not listen to her. So, June sets in motion a dangerous trap for the killer and, in doing so, inadvertently discovers Tweedy’s stolen fortune – hidden in plain sight.
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Jane’s 10 Most Interesting Things
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I found it difficult at first to think about what is ‘interesting” in the story. I started discovering many reversals and twists, which I was happy with because that’s what a tea cozy murder always involves. It helped to have the questions to respond to as they provided a good starting point. I can see how a good pitch might come from doing this exercise.
10 Most Interesting Things About NOT A CLUE!
1. Protagonist June Marvel is competitive, jealous, cranky, and doesn’t care much for people.
2. Protagonist/Antagonist renowned detective Percival Heriot moonlights as Aunt Lily, a lonely-hearts advice columnist.
3. Shady Acres, the assisted living/rehab home June and Percival find themselves in is actually a compound for a mob bosses extended family.
4. June challenges Percival to a sleuth-off – they each commit a “crime” that the other must solve in 48 hours.
5. June and Percival’s mock crimes cover for a very real murder when physical therapist Frances is found dead just after the competition starts. All clues point to Percival as the killer.
6. June’s “missing person crime” goes south when the person, Eloise, disappears.
7. Percival is nearly boiled to death in the sauna.
8. Poison chocolates are sent to June, supposedly from Percival. Now someone also wants June dead!
9. Percival reveals his reason for being at Shady Acres is to find a missing fortune. June discovers the fortune hidden in plain sight.
10. When Percival won’t listen to her, June sets her own trap for the killer. But to trap the killer, June must “die.”
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Jane Turville.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Jane Meets Producer/Manager
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I really thought about the differences between managers and producers for the first time. The differences have always been there in my mind but actually putting them down on paper somehow made them more real for me. I think I stepped up a notch in my understanding of pitches because of this assignment. This assignment will stick with me.
In speaking with a Producer, I would emphasize that this is a contained script that parodies some of the world’s most beloved characters in a genre that has wide appeal and is highly marketable. I would mention that the characters are all older, potentially bringing the costs associated with talent down, while also opening up the field for talent that is well known and could be an audience draw.
In speaking with a Manager, I would emphasize the potential of this script being the first of several featuring these characters and share some ideas for future Percival/June stories. I would also share two finished scripts (ECHO & THE PROTEUS MANDATE) that are both good writing samples as well as marketable mystery thrillers. I would ask their help in securing writing assignments and would share writing samples of children’s scripts and romantic comedies to allow a broader range of assignments to be considered.
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Jane’s Marketable Components
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that I didn’t really have a logline. I also discovered that I can’t remember the difference between a concept and a logline. A good question for Hal on Saturday!
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Current Logline: In this buddy movie gone wrong, two celebrated detectives compete to prove who is the greatest sleuth. The competition is derailed when a series of murders require them to work together before they both become the next victims.
Components:
Great Title – NOT A CLUE! Immediately speaks of the story being fun and also hints at mystery.
It’s a First – While there are silly mysteries out there, we haven’t seen a Miss Marple-like character and a Poirot-like character team up to solve a mystery. We also haven’t seen them outside of their world as serious sleuths.
Similarity to a Box Office Success – Knives Out!; Sherlock Holmes
Great Role for Bankable Actor – A fun role for older actors and a chance to play a comic version of two of the world’s most beloved detectives.
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Jane’s Project & Market
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I validated my vision. Thinking about marketing brings me in from my creative self to my business self, and that underpins my vision for making a living as a screenwriter. I feel like I’ve come full circle with this project, back to my vision for my own success.
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Market Target – Managers.
I will market to managers because I believe securing representation is the most sure-fire way of realizing my vision. Managers have a much broader network in the industry than I do and they are the ones who can not only get my work out into the industry, but also bring writing assignments in, which is something that is key to my success as a screenwriter. Having a business partner in the industry will support the success of my writing career in ways that I can’t do by myself or working one on one with a producer.
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I’ve finished the first draft and discovered that I want to make some major changes! And, I have no idea what they are but I know I will in the near future!!! Yay!!!
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I have a parody of a tea cozy mystery and would like to exchange scripts for feedback. My email address is jcturville@gmail.com. Looking forward to reading your script.
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Jane is a Proofreading Star!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I not only found typos, but was able to cut another page of script by tightening both action and dialogue. I tried reading backwards for awhile, but had a bit of trouble doing that. So, I turned to reading it out loud, one scene at a time. That really helped me discover same words that were used too often and/or too close together as well as dialogue that read fine, but when spoken, sounded clunky. I also found a few places where the character’s voice was just wrong, so I changed the dialogue.
It’s very tempting to keep going back over and over the script and finding things wrong or different ways to do things. However, I’m pretty happy with the script right now and excited to have someone else read it. To me it’s comical as well as a mystery. I hope that’s true for those who read it!
Title: Not a Clue!
Genre: Parody of a Tea-Cozy Murder Mystery
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like
character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is
the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one
of them is the next victim. -
Jane’s Wordsmithing!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to take out quite a bit of action that when it came to it, was directing the actors. Lots of “She frowns” and “He mumbles.” I also discovered that I use “moves” quite a bit when someone is walking or running. Taking those out helped quest a bit. What did surprise me is that I didn’t have verbs that repeated a lot. I think the most was 13. But I was really glad to use this assignment to double check.
The most work done for this assignment was the removal of orphan/widow lines. I didn’t find any that I wasn’t able to get rid of by rewriting. It also gave me time to rework some of the action to make it more succinct.
Original Scene (bold font was orphan line)
June enters and observes the residents at breakfast. Everyone whispers about the theft. Everyone except Eloise. At her table she butters a piece of toast with a small smile on her lips.
New Version (no orphan line).
June enters and takes in the residents at breakfast. They whisper about the theft. Everyone except Eloise. At her table she butters a piece of toast, a smile on her lips.
Original Scene (bold font was widow line)
June moves past the inpatient Anne. When she’s in the room, Anne shuts the door. The lock clicks. June raises an eyebrow.
New Version (no widow line).
June moves past Anne. When she’s in the room, Anne shuts the door. The lock clicks. June raises an eyebrow.
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Jane Has Tested Every Line!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to take 4 pages off the script! This assignment helped me locate a lot of scene direction that didn’t need to be there. I was also able to clarify some of the action to read a bit better and faster. This assignment helped the script a lot. I mad a number of changes, particularly at the end where Mattie tries to kill Percival. I reduced their interactions and it actually reflected Mattie’s character better than what I previously had.
Here’s one quick change I made that helps quite a bit for the opening scene.
Original Version
EXT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO
A FIGURE, swathed in silk harem pants and tunic crouches by a window. Scarves hide the face, revealing only the eyes. The eyes observe.
INT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO – DAY
Tied to a post, a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN recoils as one of two BAD GUYS reaches to touch her.
The lone window shatters. The Figure flies through the air and lands in front of the woman. Machete drawn, the Figure expertly slices through the ropes that bind the woman.
Wide-eyed, the bad guys run.
EXT. MOROCCAN MARKET
The two guys scramble through the market, the Figure moves like the wind behind them.
They turn down an alley. The figure lands cat-like in front of them, the machete millimeters from their throats.
The men’s eyes plead for mercy. The Figure doesn’t flinch as the scarf is pulled away to reveal the magnificent JUNE MARVEL. Her eyes dare the bad guys to speak. Guy One opens his mouth.
CABBIE (V.O.)
We’re ‘ere luv.
New Version
EXT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO
A FIGURE, swathed in a tunic, crouches by a window. Scarves hide the face, revealing only the eyes. The eyes observe.
INT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO – DAY
Tied to a post, a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN recoils as one of two BAD GUYS reaches to touch her.
The lone window shatters. The figure flies through the air and lands in front of the woman. Machete drawn, the figure slices through the ropes that bind the woman.
The bad guys run.
EXT. MOROCCAN MARKET
They scramble through the market. The figure moves like the wind behind them.
They turn down an alley. The figure lands in front of them, the machete millimeters from their throats.
Their eyes plead for mercy. The figure doesn’t flinch as she pulls the scarf away to reveal the magnificent JUNE MARVEL.
Her eyes dare the bad guys to speak. One does.
CABBIE (V.O.)
We’re ‘ere luv.
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Jane’s Act 3: Turning Point
By doing this assignment I learned to think a bit differently about this turning point. I’ve always thought about this point in the script as the point where the transformational journey really launches. All that’s been learned by the Protagonist now has to be formulated and acted on or everything is lost. From this lesson I discovered that the lowest point, at least for Chelsea, is nearly going back to her “old ways” which will result in her getting killed. I want her to be angry but instead, she cries. Hmmm? Just gonna keep writing and see what happens.
INT. ARCHIE’S ROOM
Chelsea enters to find the detective nearly dead. She sounds the alert, then disappears before anyone arrives.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
When Chelsea returns, Julie is waiting for her. Julie tries to make a deal to get the real blue Lotus. Chelsea refuses. Julie tries to kill her. Chelsea barely escapes with her life.INT. CRUISE SHIP, BACK HALLS
Chelsea hides from Julie. All of Julie’s verbal manipulation, bullying and abuse floods back and cuts into her.FLASHBACK
Chelsea is convicted of theft that Julie committed. Julie goes free and Chelsea is sent to juvenile corrections.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Julie finds Chelsea’s phone and sees the surveillance cameras. She spots Chelsea huddled in a service closet.INT. CLOSET
Chelsea cries. -
Jane’s Act 3: Middle Scenes
By doing this assignment I figured out a bit more about who Chelsea is and how her background, her past, can actually inform her future rather than her just living in the past. I have wanted this to be a romantic thriller and haven’t really sorted that out yet. But I think some ideas are coming to the fore, particularly with the detective. Not sure. But it is fun to just write without worrying about it right now! I do feel I’m doing a lot better at speed writing than I was a week or so ago!
INT. CRUISE SHIP BAR
Disguised as a maid, Chelsea listens in on the detectives conversation. They are convinced that she, Chelsea, has stolen the Blue Lotus. She decides that’s exactly what she will do.INT. CRUISE SHIP ROOM
Chelsea hacks into the ships computers and gets into the CCTV cameras for the ship. She spots Julie moving in and out of the engine room, dressed as a crew member.Chelsea takes the footage back and watches Archie. She sees him hide what looks like the Blue Lotus.
INT. CRUISE SHIP BALL ROOM
Chelsea has to move through the room and retrieve the Blue Lotus right under the noses of the detectives. The main detective thinks he sees something. Chelsea is nearly caught.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea has what looks like the Blue lotus but isn’t. She remembers something about Julie – her greed or something that is Julie’s weakness. (Come up with something good here that attaches to the theme – Confront the past in order to have a future worth living).INT. ARCHIE’S ROOM
Chelsea sets the trap for Julie.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea waits to see if Julie will take the bait. Instead, the police detective enters the trap. Chelsea watches as a new detective enters to help. Chelsea recognizes the new detective. It’s Julie. -
Jane’s Act 3: Reaction to Midpoint
By doing this assignment I was able to come up with a theme that could run through the story. In the first half, Chelsea lives in the past, remembering what was because she feels she has no future. After she realizes that Julie is not in danger but IS the danger, she starts to live in the present and plan for the future. The first thing is that she starts to lie like Julie to manipulate the Greek guy. She’s hatching a plan.
INT. ARCHIE’S ROOM
Chelsea holds up here as this room has already been searched. She starts to think back to her childhood and relationship with Julie but stops herself. Instead, she searches the room, looking for clues to where the Blue Lotus is. She finds something overlooked by the police.INT. GOON’S ROOM
Chelsea searches the goons phone, finds the Greek guy’s phone number and calls. She tells him she wants to talk with him. Pretending to be Julie, she tells him she misses him.He wants to know what happened to his goons. Chelsea lies and tells him they’ve been caught by the police. He tells her he will be on a boat to collect her in the morning and that she better have the Blue Lotus with her.
She tells him she has it (a lie) and that she’ll see him in the morning.
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Jane Has Completed Act 2 Draft 1
By doing this assignment I began to see how this contained film could be made more exciting and dangerous. I got rid of the repetition of changing clothes and such so those bits of business are not cluttering up the story flow. My script is still very vague but I think the bones are getting put in place. The next draft will allow some more tension as the characters get more developed.
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Jane’s Act 2: Turning Point Mid-Point
<div>By doing this assignment I just felt good about
Chelsea getting to the point of understanding who Julie is. She now can concentrate on saving
herself and she knows that the one she has to save herself from is Julie. None of it is well written and I’m
going to have to take time in the second draft to pull in all of the
psychological thrill that this story needs. But again, writing fast and not worrying. I feel like I might be getting the hang
of it!</div><div>INT. GOON’S ROOM
Chelsea enters to find both goons dead. Their guns and their phones are gone. The wedding dress lies in a pile on the floor. It is covered in blood. Chelsea picks up the dress. Something drops that she knows to be Julie’s.FLASHBACK
Another day in another shop. Julie steals and plants some things on Chelsea. Chelsea gets caught. Julie watches.INT. GOON’S ROOM
Chelsea realizes that Julie is not only alive and still on board, she didn’t find the Blue Lotus and is looking for it. If Chelsea turns herself in, she’ll be arrested and convicted of murder. She realizes that behind all the death and violence is not the Greek guy, it’s Julie.Julie has set her up to either die or take the fall for her crimes.
</div>
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Jane’s Act 2: Middle Scenes
By doing this assignment I discovered that Chelsea really doesn’t have a plan. The only focus she has is finding Julie because she believes Julie is in danger. Again, in keeping with the “just write” mantra, I put down some scene ideas that can move us to the Mid-Point, which is where Chelsea finally understands that Julie has set her up to die as “Julie.” What I’ve written is all over the place but in it are the bones of something that might work!
INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea goes to Julie’s room searching for Julie. She can’t make sense of any of this. She gets back into her own clothes.FLASHBACK
Chelsea remembers how her and Julie used to leave each other secret messages in a specific way. (Come back to this with a clever idea).INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea leaves Julie a message asking for help. She tells her what the Greek guy said. Help!!!! She looks for her clothes that she left in Julie’s room. They’re gone.INT. HALL
Chelsea sneaks along the hall back to her room. On her way she sees a dozen police in the reception area. She overhears that the police are not letting anyone off the ship or on to the ship. It will remain in place until the killers are caught.INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM
Chelsea makes it back to her room. She goes to change her clothes. She tries to barricade herself in her room. In her closet she finds Keith’s dead body. She panics.INT. HALL
Chelsea sneaks back to Julie’s room. She sees the police swarming in and out of a room near Julie’s. From what she can hear, Julie’s parent’s friend Archie Cross has been found dead in his room.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea enters to find one of the goons waiting for her. He tells her the boss will be happy she’s cooperating. He tells her to give it to him. She tells him she has no idea what he’s talking about.He threatens her. She tells him if anything happens to her no one will get it. (she still doesn’t know what “it” is). She tells him it’s just between her and the Greek guy.
The other goon comes in and tells the other one leave her alone. They leave.
Chelsea breaks down. She has no idea what to do. She is terrified for herself but also for Julie. If no one can leave the ship, is Julie there and hiding.
She searches Julie’s room to see if she can find a clue. This brings back memories.
FLASHBACK
Chelsea and Julie are older now. Julie and Chelsea impersonate each other in school. They laugh at how easy it is to trick their teachers.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea finds something in Julie’s room that leads her to Archie Cross.INT. GOON’S ROOM
Chelsea returns unseen and tells the goons she needs the computer. They don’t trust her. She tells them they can see what she is looking at.Chelsea googles Archie Cross. He’s very rich and deals in gems. He is the owner of the Blue Lotus, a rare blue diamond that is worth millions.
One of the goons makes a comment that lets Chelsea know that the Blue Lotus is what she is looking for.
INT. HALL
Chelsea tries to enter her room but finds that it is a crime scene. She overhears that detectives talking about her. They assume that she is dead but there is evidence in her room that ties her to Cross’s murder and the stolen Blue Lotus.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Julie’s room has been searched. Chelsea goes to the hiding place where she left a note for Julie. The note is still there. Is Julie dead? Where is she?FLASHBACK
Chelsea and Julie pretend to shoplift stuff in a store. They put it all back as it is a lark. Later in Julie’s room, Chelsea finds some of the stuff that they picked up but that Julie was supposed to put back.INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Chelsea thinks back to other secret places that she remembers Julie hiding things. She searches and finds X (figure this out).INT. HALL
Chelsea steals a maid’s uniform and a vacuum and heads to the office where the detectives have set up their headquarters.INT. OFFICE
Detectives go over evidence that links Chelsea to a Greek gang and that she is the killer and has the Blue Lotus. They plan to do a room by room search until they find her.INT. HALL
Chelsea’s phone rings. All eyes look at her. She quickly turns on the vacuum and walks away as she answers the phone. It is the Greek guy. How did he get her number? The number is no different. And, the goons aren’t picking up their line. He hopes nothing has happened to them.She tells him that she knows he’s after the Blue Lotus but she is not Julie and she doesn’t know where it is. He tells her that the owner is dead. His men didn’t kill him. So she must have.
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Jane’s Act 2: Reaction to Turning Point 1
By doing this assignment I moved into unchartered territory. I really didn’t know how Chelsea might react. In keeping with the “Just keep moving” mantra, I just wrote. What Chelsea ends up doing is falling back on trying to get help from others. Her reaction is that others have to help her, she doesn’t even consider that she has the ability to help herself. This is totally in keeping with her “old ways.” Because everyone thinks she’s Julie, they treat her that way. And, Julie will always take care of herself. So her reaction clashes with others expectations of what her reaction should be.
INT. GOON’S ROOM
Chelsea wakes up. She is gagged with hands bound behind her back sitting in a chair. The goons sit with her watching a game show.When the goons see that she is awake, they tell her that they will shoot her dead if she even tries to run. They untie her and connect to a Zoom meeting.
They leave her alone in the room. She runs to the room’s phone but the line has been cut. As she’s trying it, a voice comes from the computer. A very handsome man with a thick Greek accent asks her what she is doing.
He talks to her as if she is Julie. He reminds her of the life they have planned. That she should have known he couldn’t let her marry someone else. She should know she belongs to him.
Chelsea is terrified. He tells her that she just needs to stick to their plan and she’ll soon be back, safe and sound with him. He tell her to unmute and tell him she loves him.
She unmutes and tells him she is not Julie and she has no idea what he’s talking about. He mutes her, cutting her off. He tells her she’s got 24 hours to carry out their plan. If she doesn’t, she’s fish food.
The goons come back in after the guy leaves the meeting. They tell her that they will kill anyone she tries to talk to. They’ve got their orders. She can have free run of the ship to carry out the plan. They leave in 24 hours. She’ll either be with them or at the bottom of the sea. It’s her choice.
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Jane’s Act 1: Finished!
By doing this assignment I was surprised at how little I actually wanted to add. Just a couple of scenes that are flashbacks to their childhood. My plan is to keep my acts sketchy until the end. Then I’ll have things that I don’t know about now but will want to incorporate into earlier acts. Don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I think it will help me to keep writing faster without worrying too much about what links up with what. My goal is to do this draft VERY quickly.
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Jane Has Amazing Dialogue!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I took the time to try and understand what was going on with dialogue that didn’t feel right. I had a lot on changes in my dialogue. Mostly cutting it back so that there are very few sections of dialogue that are long. Also, I was able to comb back through and make sure everyone had their own voice.
Before: Bad show. Bad show indeed. But, where are my manners. Please, sit.
After: Bad show. Bad show indeed.
In this scene, Major Perkins is distressed. Remembering his manners didn’t work with the sorrow he’s feeling and the longer version minimized his feelings. Getting rid of the last part made things work.
Before: I did not kidnap her. I made it convenient for her to leave.
After: I did not kidnap her. But her disappearance provided a nice distraction.
The original dialogue implied that Mattie had included Eloise’s disappearance in her plans. She hadn’t. The disappearance of Eloise is a red herring and has nothing to do with the murders or the killer’s intent so the original dialogue was confusing.
Before: ELOISE – It’s been festering all these years.
MAJOR PERKINS – But why would she think you’re Aunt Lily?
ELOISE – You always said she’s a load of bollocks.
After: ELOISE – But why would she think you’re Aunt Lily? You always said she’s a load of bollocks.
“Festering” is too sophisticated a word for Eloise. She wouldn’t say that. Bringing two character’s dialogue together for one to say makes more sense in this scene and Eloise is the right one for this dialogue.
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Jane Loves Covering Subtext!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered a bit more about who my characters are by what they decide to try to hide when they’re speaking. June is a master of misdirection when she doesn’t want to answer something and Percival covers with polite words that mean nothing.
Two scenes that were fun to write are the ones where each character responds to the idea of competition with each other.
First, Percival:
Percival sits on his bed. He chews on his lower lip. Jeremy enters. Percival picks up a magazine and pretends to read. The magazine is upside down. Jeremy putters.
JEREMY
What’s this I hear about a contest?
PERCIVAL
It is of no consequence.
JEREMY
Might be though.
Percival looks at him.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
Take everyone’s attention for a spell. Give me a chance –
PERCIVAL
I will not be part of this!
Jeremy considers Percival, then hangs up his robe.
JEREMY
She won’t win. You know that.
PERCIVAL
Of course.
June talks with Frances during a PT session:
Frances smiles sweetly.
FRANCES
I understand you and Mr. Heriot have a small wager going on.
JUNE
I don’t know what you mean.
Frances’ sweet smile darkens.
FRANCES
If I were you, I would quit making trouble and keep your head down.
June is more intrigued than scared.
JUNE
Why should I do that?
Frances steps back and considers June.
FRANCES
You’re right. Best way for you to heal is to walk. We want you out of here as soon as possible, don’t we.
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Jane Has Incredible Monologues!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that the dialogue in this story is mostly June and Percival sparing. No one delivers a long piece of dialogue and no one situation requires a long piece speech except at the then when June tells everyone the killer’s motivations and then she’s interrupted a lot. So, I took a whack at two scenes that aren’t exactly monologues but where each character reveals some things about themselves through their words.
June Marvel’s Monologue – Phone call to Clara.
June has just discovered that Percival Heriot, world famous detective that she cannot tolerate is coming to live in the same senior rehabilitation home that she just moved into. She wants out but has little to no independence.
June waits impatiently for the BEEP.
JUNE
Clara, this is Auntie June. You must get me out of this place right now. I arrived this morning and find that it is totally unsuitable.
She pauses and fidgets.
JUNE (CONT’D)
I’m extremely sorry that you overheard my comments on little Avery. Precocious children are often misunderstood. My own actions as a child were often misinterpreted.
She looks at her reflection in the mirror.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Please, Clara. Please come get me.
Percival Heriot’s Monologue – sitting with June
It appears that June has died, apparently been poisoned as she ate her breakfast. Earlier, she wanted to tell Percival who she thought was behind the murders and how together, they might trap them. He wouldn’t listen and dismissed her. She told him that she would go it alone. Now, she’s dead.
MARY (CONT’D)
She were a daft old duck, but I liked ‘er.
Mary plunks the knitting bag on the floor beside Percival and leaves. He continues to wipe Junes face.
PERCIVAL
You are not a daft old water fowl. No. You are brilliant and brave.
His foot moves and nudges the knitting bag. The adventure book topples out onto the floor. Percival picks it up and opens it, admires the bookmark, then gently tucks the book in June’s folded hands.
PERCIVAL (CONT’D)
I am glad we did not have the competition. Mon ami, you see what others don’t. You see the heart as well as the mind. We both know who would have won.
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I got a bit behind and have done several passes through the script. I will gladly exchange feedback with anyone but I think this particular lesson’s ship has sailed as I’ve been doing the assignments for Module 7 while doing this rewrite. But, if anyone is interested, sing out!
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Jane’s Act 1: Turning Point 1 Scenes
By doing this assignment I found myself rethinking quite a bit. Whoever survives this massacre (if anyone does) will be super important to the story. Writing this brought to the fore how many unknowns and possibilities there are here. Kind of like SLIDING DOORS. From this point the story could go to a romantic thriller, an action thriller, psychological. Anything. Lots of fun but kind of scary!
INT. JULIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Chelsea lets Julie dress her. She feels like a princess in a movie. She absent-mindedly asks about Keith.What Julie says brings back a dark memory that Chelsea can’t seem to recall. It makes Chelsea’s hair stand on end.
Julie turns Chelsea to the mirror. Standing in the wedding dress, Chelsea is every inch as gorgeous as Julie. Julie pulls the veil over Chelsea’s face.
INT. CRUISE SHIP HALL
Chelsea is nervous, questions the sanity of this. Julie assures her that everything will be okay.Chelsea gets into character as Julie leads Chelsea toward the room.
When Chelsea asks Julie where she’ll be, there is no answer. When Chelsea looks to see, Julie is gone.
INT. CRUISE SHIP BALL ROOM
The wedding guests wait in anticipation. At the altar stand Derek and the ship’s captain. The music plays as Chelsea walks confidently down the aisle.The ceremony begins.
From within the audience, three GOONS (name later) reach under their chairs, pull out guns and mow down the wedding guest. Mayhem as people scatter and duck for cover.
Derek grabs Chelsea’s hand and tries to pull her to safety. The head goon shoots him point blank then grabs Chelsea. A hand comes over her mouth and she blacks out.
INT. CRUISE SHIP ROOM
Chelsea wakes up. She is gagged with hands bound behind her back sitting in a chair. The goons sit with her watching a game show. -
Jane’s Act 1: Inciting Incident
By doing this assignment I realized how much of what I am writing has most likely been seen before. I’m not letting that stop me. But I do know that once the first draft is written, my second draft will have to be looking at the story and making it more unique. I don’t think I can do that until I have the bones in place, which is what this draft is for me.
INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM
Julie walks Chelsea to her room gushing over how glad she is to have an old friend by her at this moment.Julie leaves Chelsea to freshen up. Chelsea checks out the room and thinks back to the time when she and Julie were little and best friends, sharing all sorts of secrets.
Chelsea goes to put her things away and discovers that Julie has stocked the closet with glamorous clothes and sexy evening gowns.
INT. CRUISE SHIP BAR
Chelsea, in her own clothes, looks for Julie. She finds Julie alone at the bar and tells her that she can’t accept the clothes. Julie insists.DEREK BRODY, Julie’s gorgeous fiancé and his best man KEITH SIMMONS, still good looking but no match for Derek, join them.
Chelsea is totally smitten with Derek. Julie notices.
INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM
Chelsea takes one of the dresses. She hesitates then puts it on.Julie enters and helps her with hair and makeup.
Julie and Chelsea stand together and look in the mirror. Chelsea has been transformed and is gorgeous.
INT. CRUISE SHIP DINING ROOM
The entire wedding party is in a private dining room. Julie’s parents, CINDY and DARREL WALLACE, greet Chelsea warmly but are surprised that she is there.Chelsea has a hard time keeping her eyes off of Derek. He notices and flirts with her.
Julie pulls Derek away to meet ARCHIE CROSS, an old family friend. When he goes, Keith asks Chelsea why she is there and tells her she should leave. She may look like Julie but she is not Julie. She doesn’t belong in this crowd.
INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM
Near tears, Chelsea takes off the dress and puts it back in the closet. She calls the porter and asks him if it is possible to leave the ship. He says a supply boat will meet them tomorrow afternoon. Chelsea makes arrangements to leave.Julie comes to her room and finds out that she plans to leave. She’s heartbroken that Chelsea won’t stay and reminds her of some of the capers they did as kids.
She particularly focuses on a time when, at school, they used to exchange clothes and pretend to be each other. They laugh about how they fooled everyone.
Julie suggests they should try it again. She suggests they should trade places in the morning and see if they can fool the wedding party.
At first, Chelsea says no but then gets caught up in the idea of mischievous fun and agrees.
INT. JULIE’S ROOM
Derek is in bed when Julie arrives. She tells him that Chelsea wants to leave and how upset she is about it.She tells Derek about the plan to switch identities and asks him to play along and seduce Chelsea.
Derek can’t say no to Julie.
INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM – MORNING
Julie prepares Chelsea to be her. She tells Chelsea that she’s got to stand and carry herself with more confidence. She tells her to believe that she’s got the room. Everyone in the room is under her spell, in her power.EXT. CRUISE SHIP DECK
Chelsea tries hard to get into the role of Julie. It is difficult and she nearly blows it.Derek enters and Chelsea is terrified. She does her best and is shocked when Derek takes her hand and leads her back to his room.
From a doorway, Julie watches.
INT. DEREK’S ROOM
Derek and Chelsea make love.INT. CHELSEA’S ROOM – LATER
Chelsea returns. Julie asks her how it went. Chelsea says fine.Julie says that while she was gone, the porter called and said they had room for her on the supply boat. Chelsea says that she thinks she’ll stay.
Julie is super happy and suggests that they pull a real caper. She tells Chelsea a secret – she and Derek are already married. The huge wedding is just a party that her folks wanted to impress their friends.
Julie suggests that, for the wedding, they trade places. That it would be a real hoot for the veil to be lifted and Derek to discover that his bride is not his bride!
Chelsea thinks of being in Derek’s arms and agrees.
EXT. CRUISE SHIP DECK
The wedding party holds the pre-wedding dinner under the stars. Chelsea watches Julie and Derek dance.Something Julie does or says brings back a memory. It makes Chelsea’s hair stand on end.
Her thoughts are interrupted by Keith, who asks her to dance. While the dance Keith tells her that she needs to leave Derek and Julie alone. Julie’s trouble enough without having her around.
Before Chelsea can respond, Derek asks to switch partners. Chelsea is in heaven. The spell is broken by Keith becoming violently ill.
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Jane’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
By doing this assignment I realized that what I am thinking now is very basic and is mostly what we’ve seen before. In order to write it fast, I’m not going to worry about that, about making scenes unique in any way. I will do that in another draft. I’m trying to give my self the freedom to not think too much and just write.
INT. BIG BOX STORE – DAY
CHELSEA WALTERS, late 20’s, could be beautiful if she tried, stocks shelves.Through the shelf she’s stocking she sees two punks shoplifting. One turns and sees her staring at him.
He turns, pockets one more thing, looks back at her and they leave. Chelsea stocks the shelf.
INT. EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM
Chelsea grabs her bag and sweater. A co-worker tells her the boss wants to see her.INT. BOSS’S OFFICE
The boss shows Chelsea a video of the punks getting nabbed by store security.Boss shows Chelsea a video that captures her watching the punk steal something. He wants to know why she didn’t alert security. Why a shopper had to alert them.
Boss tells Chelsea that she’s fired.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – LATER
Chelsea’s husband MARTY is home when she arrives. He’s on the phone but hangs up when she arrives.She asks him how his day was. Fine. He asks her. She says fine.
He goes to take a shower. She looks at his phone. He was talking to a woman.INT. CHELSEA’S BEDROOM
Chelsea looks for work on the computer. She migrates to FaceBook and discovers she has a friend request – her childhood best friend Julie Wallace.Chelsea hesitates, then accepts. She looks at Julie’s FaceBook page. Julie is a super model. Lots of gorgeous photos. If Chelsea took notice of her looks, she and Julie would be almost identical twins.
Marty comes out of the shower, sees Julie’s photo and makes a comment about her beauty and Chelsea’s lack of beauty. He leaves.
By the time he has gone, Chelsea has a message from Julie, asking how she is.
Chelsea responds that she’s fine. Julie wants to see her and asks her to be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding. Chelsea says that she’s sorry but she can’t.INT. CHELSEA’S KITCHEN
As Chelsea makes dinner, she remembers how she and Julie used to play in the kitchen, making a mess and giggling.Marty returns, smelling of booze and cheap perfume. As they eat dinner, he tells her that he’ll be gone for a week on business. His plans are sketchy.
She know he’s off somewhere with a woman.
INT. CHELSEA’S BEDROOM
While Marty watches television, Chelsea goes back to the computer. Julie has sent another message. She’ll pay all of Chelsea’s expenses. She just wants to share this special day with her oldest friend.Julie talks about their friendship as little girls and Chelsea’s mind goes back to a more wonderful time, when everything was great.
Chelsea responds to Julie and agrees to be a bridesmaid.
INT. CRUISE SHIP RECEPTION AREA
Julie waits for Chelsea. Julie is Chelsea’s doppelgänger, except that money and fine living have created super beauty. No one in the room can take their eyes off her. This makes her smile.Chelsea, intimidated by Julie, pauses at the door, then hides behind a plant and watches Julie enjoy the spotlight. She turns around to leave but bumps into a porter and causes a crash of luggage.
Julie sees her and glides over to greet Chelsea as if nothing had happened. Julie sweeps Chelsea into the room and her world.
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Jane’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
By doing this assignment I got a bit more comfortable with using flashbacks. If the entire story is about confronting the past in order to have a future worth living, the having Julie continue to use the past to manipulate Chelsea and have Chelsea’s transformation be linked to confronting the past and putting it to rest, then I feel like the theme really can anchor the entire journey these two look-alikes take. The theme gave me something to measure the story, plot and structure by. I will need to go back and look at my pitch, concept and hook to incorporate the theme.
Theme: Confront the past in order to have a future worth living.
ACT 1
INT. STORE – MORNING
Chelsea at work in store. Sees guys steal something. they know she’s seen them but she’s too timid to say anything. Her boss tells her off an threatens to fire her.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – DAY
Chelsea goes home. her husband comes home and she sees that he’s been with another woman. He tells her he’ll be away fro a week for business. She knows he’s lying but can’t do anything about it.
Julie
Prepping for her wedding, she comes across an old school photo and spots Chelsea Walters, who she hasn’t thought of in years. She contacts Chelsea via FB and invites her to the wedding as a bridesmaid.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – NIGHT
Chelsea checks her FB and discovers a private note from a childhood friend, Julie Wallace. Brings back good and bad memories. Chelsea responds. Julie has invited her to be one of her bridesmaids at her upcoming wedding. Chelsea accepts.
FLASHBACK
Gentle flashback of two little girls having fun. They’re best friends. One is poor. One is rich. Neither one notices.
Julie
Julie’s ex-boyfriend is a very jealous mob boss who tell her she’ll never marry Derek. Julie doesn’t love Derek. She decides to ask Chelsea to step in for her at the weeding as a lark, but really knows that Chelsea will be killed along with Derek and she’ll be free to leave and get away from the ex-boyfriend.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – MORNING
Chelsea and Julie meet on the cruise ship. Julie is very friendly. Chelsea meets Derek, Julie’s and is immediately smitten. (Was Julie’s crime about a boy that Chelsea liked????) She takes Chelsea into her confidence and tells her that they’re already married but that the wedding is really for her parents and their rich friends. She asks Chelsea to stand in her place at the altar as a joke.
INT. CRUISE SHIP, DINING – EVENING
A scene at the dinner the night before. Chelsea gets really drunk and believes she sees something.
FLASHBACK
something Julie says or does turns the memory from something innocent to something darker. This weave through the entire story.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
At the wedding, guys show up and pepper the entire room with bullets. They shoot Derek point blank and kidnap Chelsea.
Julie
The wedding party is shot up. She believes that Chelsea was killed in the melee and that everyone will believe that she, Julie, is dead. She shows no remorse, just plans to leave.
ACT 2
INT. CRUISE SHIP – ROOM
The killers believe that she is Julie. She argues then once she sees how Julie lives, decides she will take her place. Maybe she finds a letter from Julie saying that she will understand that Julie needs to find a new life.
Julie
Money she had hidden away is gone. The police board the ship and no one can get off or on. She’s trapped.
INT. CRUISE SHIP, ROOM – NIGHT
Chelsea talks with the Greek boyfriend and discovers that Julie has been working a a mule for drugs and stolen contraband ,\\ particularly gems. boyfriend wants her back because he loves her but also because she knows too much. She stays or she dies. Maybe the boyfriend didn’t order the hit. Maybe it was Julie. “I told you what I would do if you tried to marry him.”
Julie
She has to find money and get off the ship. Her parents friend’s diamond. She steals it, kills the old guy and tries to get off the boat but can’t. She hides.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
The police board the boat. No one gets off or on.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
One of Julie’s parents friends is killed and a valuable diamond is stolen. Believing Chelsea is Julie, the boyfriend tells her that he wants the diamond or she dies. she has 24 hours to give them the diamond.
FLASHBACK
One little girl watches as another little girl commits a crime. She is sworn to secrecy.
Julie
She shows up in disguise as support for the police.
FLASHBACK, EXT. CHELSEA’S HOUSE, 1998 – MORNING
Flashbacks to Chelsea and Julie as children. This weaves throughout the story.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
Julie gets that she’s got to find the diamond. She makes a plan to go to the authorities and talks the killers into letting her go so that she can get the diamond. She discovers that no one has been allowed off the boat so she now knows that Julie is behind the theft and the murder.
ACT 3
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Chelsea realizes that Julie is still on the ship and that she killed the diamond owner and stole the diamond. She’s got to find Julie.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
She has to come up with a plan to trap Julie. It has to be something psychological that feeds into Julie’s weakness.
FLASHBACK
Julie sets Chelsea up to take the fall for her crime. Chelsea goes to juvenile corrections for 8 months.
Julie
She listens in on the case and realizes Chelsea is alive and acting as her. She manipulates the head detective to focus the case on Chelsea.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Contacts the head detective and tells him she’ll work with him. But he has to do everything her way.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Chelsea’s trap for Julie fails because Julie is acting as one of the police support persons.
FLASHBACK
Chelsea never told the truth. Chelsea finally discovers Julie’s weakness.
Julie
Julie decides to kill Chelsea. When Chelsea is meant to meet the detective, Julie shows up instead and nearly kills her.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Julie nearly kills Chelsea. She is now hell-bent on killing Chelsea. Lots of stuff comes back from the past
ACT 4
INT. CRUISE SHIP – NIGHT
Really cool cat and mouse, kill or be killed scenes. “I don’t blame you for wanting to be someone else.” “I don’t blame you for not wanting to be you. I wouldn’t want to be you either.”
Julie
Julie is dead and her surviving wedding party believe she was killed in the shootout.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – DAY
Chelsea returns home. Her husband is there and wants to know where the hell she’s been. His girlfriend dumped him. Chelsea goes to her room, packs her bags and walks out, ignoring him. she walks down the road as the sun rises.
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Jane’s High Speed Beat Sheet
By doing this assignment I really worked hard on not going back and correcting my typing and making good, correct sentences. This is NOT EASY for me to do. But I am taking this class to learn this process and it turned out that I did my beat sheet assignment in35 minutes! It ain’t pretty and it ain’t good. But it is done and there is a lot here that I can work with.
ACT 1
INT. STORE – MORNING
Chelsea at work in store. Sees guys steal something. they know she’s seen them but she’s too timid to say anything. Her boss tells her off an threatens to fire her.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – DAY
chelasea goes home. her husband comes home and she sees that he’s been with another woman. He tells her he’ll be away fro a week for business. She knows he’s lying but can’t do anything about it.
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – NIGHT
Chelsea checks her FB and discovers aprivate note from a childhoos frined, Julie Wallace. Brings back good and bad memories. Chelsea responds. Julie has invited her to be one of her bridesmaids at her upcoming wedding. chelsea accepts.
FLASHBACK
Gentle flashback of two little girls having fun. They’re best friends. One is poor. One is rich. Neither one notices.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – MORNING
Chelsea and Julie meet on the cruise ship. Julie is very friendly. Clesea meets Derek, Juli’es fiance and is immedicatly smitten. She takes Chelsea into her confidence and tells her that they’re already married but that the wedding is really for her parents and their rich friends. She asks Chelsea to stand in her place at the alter as a joke.
INT. CRUISE SHIP, DINING – EVENING
A scen at the dinner the night before. Chelsea gets really drunk and believes she sees something.
FLASHBACK
something Julie says or does turns the memory from something innocent to something darker. This weave through the entire story.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
At the wedding, guys show up and pepper the entire room with bullets. They shoot Derek point blank and kidnap Chelsea.
ACT 2
INT. CRUISE SHIP – ROOM
The killers believe that she is Julie. She argues then once she sees how Julie lives, decides she will take her place. Maybe she finds a letter from Julie saying that she will understsnd that Julie needs to find a new life.
INT. CRUISE SHIP, ROOM – NIGHT
chelsea talks with the Greek boyfriend and discovers that Julie has been working a a mule for drugs and stolen contraband ,\\ particularly gems. boyrfriend wants her back because he loves her but also because she knows too much. She stays or she dies. Maybe the boyfriend didn’t order the hit. Maybe it was Julie. “I told you what I would do if you tried to marry him.”
Julie
Money she had hidden away that Chelsea saw is now gone. She has to think of soemthing else. Her parents friend’s diamond. She steals it, ills the old guy and tries to get off the boat but the police won’t let her. She hides.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
The police board the boat. No one gets off or on.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
One of Julie’s parents friends is killed and a valuabel diamond is stolen. Believing chelsea is Julie, the boyfriend tells her that he wants the diamond or she dies. she has 24 housr to give them the diamond.
Julie
She shows up in disguise as support for the police.
FLASHBACK, EXT. CHELSEA’S HOUSE, 1998 – MORNING
Flashbacks to Chelsea and Julie as children. This weaves throughout the story.
INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
Julie gets that she’s got to find the diamond. She makes a plan to go to the authorities and talks the killers into letting her go so that she can get the diamond. She discovers that no one has been allowed off the boat so she now knows that Julie is behind the theft and the murder.
ACT 3
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Chelsea realizes that Julie is still on the ship and that she killed the diamond owner and stole the diamond. She’s got to find Julie.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
She has to come up with a plan to trap Julie. It has to be something psychological that feeds into Julie’s weakness. Something from their childhood.
Julie
She listens in on the case and realizes Chelsea is alive and acting as her. She manipulates the head detective to focus the case on Chelsea.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Contacts the head detective and tells him she’ll work with him. But he has to do everything her way.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Chelsea’s trap for Julie fials because Julie is acting as one of the police support persons.
FLASHBACK
Show Julie’s weakness, what she did and how Chelsea covered for her.
Julie
When chelsea is meant to meet the detective, Julie shows up instead and nearly kills her.
INT. CRUISE SHIP
Julie nearly kills chelsea. she is now hell-bent on killing Chelsea. Lots of stuff comes back from the past
ACT 4
INT. CRUISE SHIP – NIGHT
Really cool cat and mouse, kill or be killed scenes. “I don’t blame you for wanting to be someone else.” “I don’t blame you for not wanting to be you. I wouldn’t want to be you either.”
INT. CHELSEA’S HOME – DAY
Chelsea returns home. Her husband is there and wants to know where the ehll she’s been. His girlfeiend dumped him. Chelsea goes to her room, packs her bags and walks out, ignoring him. she walks down the road as the sun rises.
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Jane’s Transformational Events
By doing this assignment I started to understand the beats of the story and got some good ideas about turning points and how tension can build throughout the story. I’m still not sure about the balance of action to mystery this story will have, but thinking about what events could change Chelsea’s direction and help her transform did give me points which I can play with as mystery and then as action to see which ultimately works best. So much I don’t know!!!!
Concept: A lonely introvert attends her childhood friend’s wedding, only to find that she has been set up to take the fall for the theft of the worlds most valuable diamond, and the murder of its owner.
Main Conflict: Chelsea must overcome her insecurity and crush Julie, her doppelganger friend who has set Chelsea up to die so that she can be free to create a new life for herself.
Chelsea Walters’ Journey (Protagonist)
Old Ways: 1. Insecure
2. Admires Julie with a childlike reverence.
3. Will do anything to not rock the boat and cause any conflict
New Ways: 1. Knows that her own abilities and intelligence is the only thing that will save her.
2. Sees Julie for who she really is
3. Knows change has to happen and that she’s the one to do it.
Transformational Steps:
1. Has to believe that she deserves to be happy.
2. Has to believe that she is in control of her happiness.
End of Act 1.
3. Let go of the past, of the things in her childhood that haunt her.
4. See Julie for who she is and who she isn’t; accept evil
5. Become skilled in using and relying on her own intelligence
End of Act 2
6. Realize that she is the only one who can stop Julie
7. Realize that using her own power does not mean diminishing others.
End of Act 3
8. Stand up to Julie.
9. Be respected, and loved, for who she really is (especially respect and love for herself).
Transformational Events:
1. “Take what you want” conversation with Julie and invitation to be a bridesmaid.
2. Decision to “become” Julie.
End of Act 1.
3. Realizes Julie has set her up and that she no longer ‘owes” Julie for the past.
4. A phone conversation with Julie’s Greek boyfriend exposes the depth of Julie’s corruption.
5. Manipulates the gangsters in order to escape and find the diamond.
End of Act 2
6. Discovers Julie is still on the boat and is gunning for her.
7. Decides to work with detective but knows she’s the one who has to get Julie.
End of Act 3
8. Fight to the death with Julie.
9. Decision to not go back home, but to leave on her own terms as Chelsea.
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Jane’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
By doing this assignment I really started to see this story for the first time. I gave each character no more than 20 minutes. Writing against a timer is definitely not something that I’m used to doing. But I am taking this class to learn how to get things done and on paper quickly. I feel good that at least for this lesson, I succeeded and can work with what I’ve written. The interviews in the last lesson really informed this one.
Concept: A lonely introvert attends her childhood friend’s wedding, only to find that she has been set up to take the fall for the theft of the worlds most valuable diamond, and the murder of its owner.
Main Conflict: Chelsea must overcome her insecurity and crush Julie, her doppelganger friend who has set Chelsea up to die so that she can be free to create a new life for herself.
Chelsea Walters’ Journey (Protagonist)
Old Ways: 1. Insecure
2. Admires Julie with a childlike reverence.
3. Will do anything to not rock the boat and cause any conflict
New Ways: 1. Knows that her own abilities and intelligence is the only thing that will save her.
2. Sees Julie for who she really is
3. Knows change has to happen and that she’s the one to do it.
Act 1: Opening – Some punks steal from the store Chelsea works in. She sees them, they dare her to report them and she doesn’t because she is intimidated by them. Chelsea has been following a childhood friend, Julie Wallace, on FB. Julie sends her a message asking her to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding on a glamorous cruise ship. When Chelsea’s husband tells her he has to spend the week at a conference, she knows he is lying and accepts Julie’s invitation.
Inciting Incident – Chelsea and Julie meet face to face for the first time in 15 years. They are as close to identical twins as two unrelated people can get. Julie tells Chelsea a secret – she and finance Derek are already married, this wedding is just a celebration that her parents wanted to impress their friends. She suggests that, for a lark, they trade places and Chelsea walks down the aisle instead of Julie. Chelsea agrees.
Turning Point – As Chelsea, acting as Julie with a veil covering her face, stands at the alter with Derek, gunmen enter the chapel, spray the place with bullets and kidnap Chelsea.
Act 2: New Plan – Everyone that knew Julie personally is killed or injured in the attack. Chelsea decides to become Julie permanently. The police board the cruise ship and require that it be kept at sea. No one gets on, no one gets off.
Plan in Action – As Chelsea becomes Julie, she finds things in Julie’s life that are not what they seem. Julie was the girlfriend of a Greek mob boss. He stopped her wedding. One of her parents friends is found murdered and their priceless diamond is stolen.
Midpoint Turning Point – The mob boss and gangsters who shot up the wedding party think she is Julie and contact her to tell her she has 24 hours to give the diamond back and rekindle their relationship, or die.
Act 3: Rethink Everything – Chelsea realizes that Julie is still on the ship and that she killed the diamond owner and stole the diamond. She’s got to find Julie.
New Plan – She has to come up with a plan to trap Julie. It has to be something psychological that feeds into Julie’s weakness. Something from their childhood.
Turning Point (Huge failure /Major shift) – The plan fails and Julie is now hell-bent on killing Chelsea.
Act 4: Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict – Chelsea and Julie face off. Only they know who is who and that only one of them can survive. One of them must die. In the battle, Julie’s weakness causes her to make a fatal error. Chelsea seizes the opportunity and kills her.
Resolution – Chelsea survives and is given the choice of being Julie or herself. She chooses to remain herself, but on her terms and her terms alone. She has rocked the boat and survived.
Julie Wallace’s Journey (Antagonist)
Old Ways: 1. Confident
2. Manipulative
3. Uncaring, focused on taking care of herself.
New Ways: 1. Running for her life
2. Unaware of her weakness
3. Becomes her own worst enemy.
Act 1: Opening – Prepping for her wedding, she comes across an old school photo and spots Chelsea Walters, who she hasn’t thought of in years. She contacts Chelsea via FB and invites her to the wedding as a bridesmaid.
Inciting Incident – Julie’s ex-boyfriend is a very jealous mob boss who tell her she’ll never marry Derek. Julie doesn’t love Derek. She decides to ask Chelsea to step in for her at the weeding as a lark, but really knows that Chelsea will be killed along with Derek and she’ll be free to leave and get away from the ex-boyfriend.
Turning Point –The wedding party is shot up. She shows no remorse, just plans to leave.
Act 2: New Plan – Money she had hidden away is gone. The police board the ship and no one can get off or on. She’s trapped.
Plan in Action –She decides to steal a family friend’s diamond. Caught in the act, she kills them. She hides in plain sight as one of the cops, hoping to get a chance to leave.
Midpoint Turning Point – She listens in on the case and realizes Chelsea is alive and acting as her. She manipulates the head detective to focus the case on Chelsea.
Act 3: Rethink Everything – Chelsea knows she’s still on the boat and looking for her.
New Plan – She has to kill Chelsea.
Turning Point (Huge failure /Major shift) – Just as Chelsea is about to expose Julie to the gangsters, Julie parries and nearly succeeds in killing Chelsea. But Chelsea gets away.
Act 4: Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict – Chelsea and Julie face off. Only they know who is who and that only one of them can survive. One of them must die. In the battle, Julie’s weakness causes her to make a fatal error. Chelsea seizes the opportunity and kills her.
Resolution – Julie is dead and her surviving wedding party believe she was killed in the shootout.
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Jane’s Character Interviews
By doing this assignment I discovered a really amazing way to start understanding characters and story by having the characters tell the story. I LOVED doing this lesson!!! I didn’t write down answers to the questions, I did videos of the two interviews so that I could also test body language and speaking patterns. I got so much out of it, especially Julie’s motivations.
I found something in Julie that the audience can empathize with, which I wasn’t expecting.
I also discovered a potential twist in the story plot that I want to explore more.
I found Chelsea using the word “crush” a lot. It’s not a word I use or thought about when I first thought of Chelsea. I discovered she doesn’t just want to stop Julie or save herself, she wants to “crush” Julie. There’s hidden anger there from long ago that needs unpacking.
I will always use this lesson for future stories and will continue using it in this one. I can see that this would be super helpful in a couple of scripts that I plan to rewrite to make more marketable.
Thanks Hal and Cheryl. This lesson is a keeper!!!!
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Jane’s Character Profiles Part 2
By doing this assignment I got to know Chelsea and Julie better. They are both still a bit flat with the attributes I’ve given them. I’m looking forward to fleshing them out and making them both more three-dimensional. But this is a good start regarding who they are at the core. The lesson has given me good food for thought.
Chelsea Walters:
Protagonist: Chelsea Walters is a victim/fighter. Quiet woman who would rather give in to what others want than rock the boat. When she allows herself to be drawn into a world of deceit and danger, she must become a fighter to survive.
What draws us to this character? Chelsea is easy to identify. We have all been at a place where we don’t feel confident and so when we see her with a cheating husband and that she is clearly more intelligent than her life allows, we want to see her break out and be successful.
Traits: Intelligent, kind, insecure, jealous, afraid to dream
Subtext: She is ashamed of her intelligence because she feels it doesn’t let her fit in.
Flaw: Her insecurity.
Values: Truth, loyalty, being part of something bigger.
Irony: To be part of something bigger, she has to step out and stand alone.
What makes this the right character for this role? Chelsea may mirror us when we are at our most insecure, when we are the underdog. Watching her combat her own self worth as she combats Julie, give the audience a sense of triumph. Good really does win.
Julie Wallace:
Antagonist: Julie Wallace is a predator. Julie is the ultimate manipulator/survivor. When pushed to the wall, Julie finds the best way out is to set someone else up to take the blame and punishment for her sins.
What draws us to this character? She is complex – at once good and evil. We know she’s toxic but she can make other characters, and the audience feel like a million bucks.
Traits: Devious, beautiful, a liar, planner, highly motivated to get exactly what she wants.
Subtext: She wants respect but has no idea how to gain it except through manipulation
Flaw: Her feeling of superiority over others.
Values: Power, external wealth, manipulation for fun, loyalty in others
Irony: Her distain of others leads to self-destructive behaviors.
What makes this the right character for this role? Like Chelsea, Julie may mirror people that we know or have known who are manipulators. From a distance, we can watch their downfall through watching Julie’s downfall.
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Jane’s Character Profiles Part 1
By doing this assignment I discovered the story that I want to write. I kept coming back to Chelsea and seeing her in a different role than what my original concept had in store for her. It made me super excited to see what Chelsea’s journey is. It’s much darker than my original ideas but I think it will be much more fun to write and a MUCH MORE marketable concept.
Protagonist: Chelsea Walters is a victim/fighter. Quiet woman who would rather give in to what others want than rock the boat. When she allows herself to be drawn into a world of deceit and danger, she must become a fighter to survive.
Antagonist: Julie Wallace is a predator. Julie is the ultimate manipulator/survivor. When pushed to the wall, Julie finds the best way out is to set someone else up to take the blame and punishment for her sins.
Supporting characters: Julie’s finance Derek; Derek’s best friend Kevin; Johnny – the hit man focused on killing Julie; Michael – the M5 agent focused on keeping Julie alive to testify; Mr. & Mrs. Patterson, friend of Julie’s parents.
Minor Roles: Chelsea’s husband Marty; Julie’s parents; Linda and Susan – two bridesmaids; Mrs. Miller – Julie and Chelsea’s 5<sup>th</sup> grade teacher.
Background Characters: People at a wedding; people on a cruise ship; cruise ship crew.
Genre: Romantic Thriller
Chelsea Walters:
Role in the story: Protagonist. She starts out as someone who is too timid to rock the boat and become the architect of her own life. She must grow from a victim, to a fighter and eventually to a hero in order to realize the life she has always wanted.
Age Range and Description: 25 – 30 years old; very beautiful but dowdy – Julie’s doppelganger.
Internal Journey: From too timid to rock the boat to captain of the boat.
External Journey: From quiet woman who would not hurt a fly to a force to be reckoned with.
Motivation: To be happy.
Wound: Growing up impoverished taught her to never want anything because she isn’t worthy. She will never be good enough.
Mission/Agenda: To discover a new life by reuniting with her childhood friend.
Secret: She loves Derek.
What makes Chelsea special? She is a keen observer. Once she is no longer timid, her ability to assess the situation and act is phenomenal.
Julie Wallace:
Role in the story: Antagonist. She is a manipulator on the run. When she runs out of those in her circle to manipulate, she turns to her past for new victims to save her own skin.
Age Range and Description: 25 – 30 years old; very beautiful with expensive, refined taste – Chelsea’s doppelganger.
Internal Journey: From totally in control to so out of control she can’t survive.
External Journey: From getting married to almost getting away with murder.
Motivation: Greed.
Wound: She knows she is only loved and admired for her beauty and what she has, not who she is.
Mission/Agenda: Fleece her parent’s new rich friends and get away from the people who make her run contraband.
Secret: She will be terrified of something that allows Chelsea the upper hand.
What makes Julie special? Julie is like the sun. People respond to her beauty and don’t realize the web that she’s pulling them into. People want to be associated with her, no matter what she does.
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Jane’s Cliché’ Busting!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was forced to think long and hard about cliché’s because my story is a parody. As I went through the script scene by scene, there are some scenes that seem familiar but have an unexpected twist. The characters are also people that we think we know, but they turn out to be quite different than what we’re used to. The ones that aren’t different tend to be the secondary characters, particularly Jeremy and Clara. I tried to rethink them and figure out how they can twist the scene without taking away from the main characters. Not sure how successful I was.
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Jane’s Solved Character Problems
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered the “backbone” of each of the characters and found many scenes where just a few tweaks brought them around to what they would actually say and do when measured against who they are. I found it kind of fun and it felt like ironing out the creases in the story. Very helpful lesson to do.
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Jane’s Structure Solutions
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned how to compartmentalize what was not working in the script and then address just that piece. It led me to reorganizing a lot of the script which then lead to tons of clean up of things that were not necessary or that were occurring in the wrong place. In essence, I cleaned up the story.
Big Structures That Changed:
I got rid of many of the things I thought I needed to flesh out the third act. The third act basically got axed.
I increased the importance of three secondary characters by combining them and their actions with other secondary characters then axing unnecessary characters.
Both June’s and Percival’s characters got a lot stronger with more layers to roll back.
The end is MUCH better.
I began to find places for humor and tucked in notes for possible funny scenes.
I honed in on the clues that need to be sprinkled throughout the story and can now focus on them.
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Jane’s Transformational Journey
By doing this assignment I learned that if I focus (I’m giving myself 30 minutes every day to do my assignments for this class) I really can come up with something that I want to work on.
Logline: When a dysfunctional couple trades places with another couple they meet on vacation, they are mistaken for rogue assassins and given an assignment – kill the President of the Untied States or die.
Genre: Comedic Thriller
Main character: Chelsea Walters
Internal Journey: From putting up barriers to love to being vulnerable in order to love.
External Journey: From grocery store manager to presidential aide.
Old Ways: terrible communicator; doesn’t recognize her own beauty; terrified of being hurt; jealous of popular people around her;
New Ways: confident in herself; open to a relationship; able to give as well as take; recognizes her own worth that then allows her to recognize the worth of others.
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Hi, my name is Jane Turville. I have written approximately 10 feature length scripts and several short narrative scripts.
I am also enrolled in the WIM class and really feeling great about the improvements I’m seeing in my writing. That said, I have a long way to go. I am always so inspired by hearing Hal’s supportive words and voice and that was the big draw for me to this class. I’m really looking forward to, on a weekly basis, connect with Hal and Cheryl. Their presence and input just makes me want to be a better writer!!
Something weird about me. Hmm? A rather long list. I love processing and spinning wool, from sheep to finished knitted project. And, I’m totally smitten with our 6 chickens.
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Jane Turville.
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Jane Turville Finished Act 4!!!!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment – since I’m so far behind, I just have to do a major YAHOO!!! Because I have just written the last scene!! The first draft of my script is complete!!
What did I learn by the processes given to us in Module 5? Actually, quite a number of things.
First, I don’t find that I have trouble writing multiple pages in a day. I work for 45 minutes every morning and usually turn out about 4 – 5 pages of script. It might not be good, but it’s written and a place to start.
Second, I discovered and worked out so many things about the story through the process of writing. There was so much that I left out in the outline that found its way in this first draft. I had a few red herrings I thought would work but discovered so much more about the story and characters as I wrote. What I would like to do now is with the next script, put this kind of effort into the outline and work things out there. I know that is what Hal had wanted us to do with the outline in Module 4 but I just got behind and rushed it.
Finally, I discovered that, as hard as I try, the whole high speed writing, don’t worry about full sentences and such didn’t work for me. I just couldn’t do it. However, I did take the principles of it and allowed myself to change directions when a more suitable plot piece presented itself. I didn’t go back and try and make everything make sense. I just kept writing. Now, I have something that I feel I can really work on in Modules 6 & 7.
Big lesson learned – apply the high speed writing to my outline process next time. I’ll get so much more worked out and keep from bogging down in the outline process, which is what I did with this project.
Title: Not A Clue!
Genre: Comedic Mystery
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Jane’s Next Act 1 Scenes
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned how much the outline helps. Without it, if I tried to use this high speed writing process, I’d probably head down a rabbit hole fast. I’m usually a pretty fast writer anyway but at the high speed, I definitely need the guidance of the outline.
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Jane’s Finished Act 1
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
How the High Speed Process Went For Me: I think that by pushing myself to write for shorter periods of time, but with the thought of getting as mush done as possible in that short time has made me think more sharply about the flow of the story and some of the things that happen as catalysts for future actions. I thought that this kind of process would not really allow for that, but it does make me focus more and be more “in the moment” with my characters.
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Jane’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I felt like I really have a good handle on these characters and the journey they will take. I have more confidence in my project and myself.
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Jane’s High Speed Writing Rules
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that writing “crap” is something that is hard for me to let go and move on. I want to leave each scene in good shape. To help myself follow the writing rules, I’m using ????? as a place holder where I know I need to come back and fill stuff in. In doing this high speed work I found I was able to find places in nearly every scene where I can come back and add in or make it funny, which is my goal for this project.
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Jane’s First Scene
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I felt like I really have a good handle on these characters and the journey they will take. I have more confidence in my project and myself.
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Hi, Jane here. I’ll be ready to exchange feedback this evening (Wednesday, August 24). I haven’t been able to do lessons 9 and 10 for my entire outline so it’s a little mismatched and wonky! But if you’re game to exchange feedback, I’d love to hear from you.
My Project:
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Genre: Parody of a Tea-Cozy Murder Mystery
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Jane’s Intriguing Moments
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned to let go of trying to turn in a finished assignment. In a Hail Mary attempt to get peer comments on my outline, I can’t complete Assignment 9 and 10 with my entire outline. So I’m only doing Act One for each of these assignments. Letting go of reaching a goal is hard but I do need to keep caught up. Sigh.
Genre: Parody of Tea Cozy Murder Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
ACT ONE
EXT. MOROCCAN MARKET – DAY
JUNE chases bad guys through the market and is about to catch them when …
Scene Arc: From chasing to capturing bad guys single handed, almost
Essence: June is a woman of action and a force to be reckoned with.
Conflict: June is fighting with some pretty scary dudes, and they are scared!
Subtext: June is powerful and courageous.
Hope/fear: That June doesn’t get hurt.
INT./EXT. TAXI
June’s taxi pulls to a stop at the entrance to SHADY ACRES REHABILITATION. June has trouble getting out of the taxi.
Scene Arc: June is unstoppable to June can’t function without help.
Essence: June’s self image is very different than reality.
Conflict: Conflict between what June wants to be and what she is.
Subtext: June doesn’t want to face her current reality.
Hope/fear: That June can accept herself just the way she is.
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
June signs in a meets ELOISE and ANNE. On the television is news of PERCIVAL solving another crime.
Scene Arc: June as a nice elderly lady to June as jealous and mean.
Essence: June does not like to be reminded of what she isn’t by someone who represents what she wants.
Conflict: June as a focus because she’s new to being ignored because Percival is on his way.
Subtext: Adoration of others makes June insecure.
Hope/fear: That June doesn’t drive away people by being mean.
INT. TEA ROOM – DAY
Percival arrives. He treats June with kindness reserved for the very young or very old. She notices that her room has been searched.
Scene Arc: From June focusing on Percival to focusing on things that are not quite right at Shady Acres.
Essence: Establishing that there is something for June to solve here.
Conflict: Between June and Percival, they do not like or respect each other.
Subtext: Percival is trying too hard to be liked and June connects with that.
Hope/fear: That Percival doesn’t squash June with his huge ego and need to be admired.
INT. SHADY ACRES – NIGHT
June sneaks out of her room to expertly throw darts in the resident’s pub. Percival removes as notepad and IPad hidden in the lining of his suitcase, consults the IPad and writes in the notepad.
Scene Arc: Both characters reveal a secret part of their character that is different from what we know.
Essence: To show each character has a deeper side and a lonely side.
Conflict: Who they are in public vs who they are in private.
Subtext: Loneliness.
Hope/fear: That their loneliness doesn’t define who they really are.
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
Resident COUNTESS VON VHAT reports a priceless necklace has been stolen. June discovers that Eloise took it. June challenges Percival to a contest to see who is the better detective.
Scene Arc: From learning of a missing necklace to all out detective war!
Essence: Set up the conflict between the two sleuths.
Conflict: Which detective is the greatest?
Subtext: Each character has their egos and their insecurities challenged. How will they react?
Hope/fear: That the challenge will leave both characters defeated. It’s not a friendly challenge.
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
June has a PT session with FRANCES who indicates everyone at Shady Acres has something to hide. June asks Frances to help her with the competition but Percival has already got her on his team.
Scene Arc: From focus on the competition to knowledge that something is amiss at Shady Acres.
Essence: A quick peek behind the Shady Acres curtain.
Conflict: The challenge between two people vs. something bigger and more sinister
Subtext: June and Percival may be the only ones that don’t have something to hide.
Hope/fear: Whatever is going on gets solved without anyone getting hurt.
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
June forms her team and her crime. Eloise will disappear and have to be found. June sets about setting up the crime.
Scene Arc: June planning to June actively setting the plan in motion.
Essence: Establish June’s ability to be active, despite her slow recovery.
Conflict: Someone who solves crimes vs. plotting the disappearance of a friend.
Subtext: June is smart and a bit devious.
Hope/fear: That June’s “crime” is one that Percival can’t solve.
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
Percival forms his team and sets out the plan for his crime.
Scene Arc: Percival goes from accepting help to going it alone.
Essence: Percival can’t work with others.
Conflict: Being part of a team vs. acting alone.
Subtext: Percival may actually need a team, but he can’t imagine that.
Hope/fear: That he doesn’t get himself into hot water.
INT. TEA ROOM – NIGHT
The contest begins. June and Percival both set plans into action.
Scene Arc: From plan to reality.
Essence: To set up each character’s way of thinking about crime and committing crimes.
Conflict: June vs. Percival
Subtext: This challenge seems so serious, but there is something evil looming in the background.
Hope/fear: That both detectives succeed. But then what?
INT. SHADY ACRES – DAY
Frances is found dead on the treadmill.
Scene Arc: From fake crimes to a real murder!
Essence: Something is not at all right at Shady Acres.
Conflict: Solving a puzzle to prove you’re the best vs. finding a killer.
Subtext: June and Percival’s egos blinded them to true evil.
Hope/fear: That either June or Percival or both will solve the crime.
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Jane’s Intriguing Moments
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered that, while there is a lot of intrigue already built into the story and into each act, my two main characters don’t have too much, particularly June. I need to make sure that she has some intriguing layers that are played against each other and are throughout the story.
Genre: Parody of Tea Cozy Murder Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Act 1:
Intrigue: Something seems fishy at Shady Acres; someone has gone through June’s things right off the bat. Why?
Covert agenda: Percival is there to keep him from harm – his life has been threatened.
Hidden identity: All of the residents are not who they appear to be.
Act 2:
Intrigue: More intrigue as layers fall away from Eloise and Major Perkins.
Secret: It becomes clear that Percival has a secret.
Conspiracy: Anne, the head of Shady Acres does not want police around the place investigating the murder.
Mystery: Who killed Frances and why?
Act 3:
Covert agenda: The agenda behind Shady Acres in revealed – it’s a house operated by the mob.
Hidden identity: Mattie may not be the whole young thing that she appears to be!
Conspiracy: June conspires with Major Perkins, Mary Riddle and the Countess to catch the killer.
Scheme: June puts her scheme into action.
Mystery: Who set June and Percival up at the ice house and which one of them is the killer after?
Act 4:
Secret: June and Percival keep the secrets they’ve discovered about the others.
Covert agenda: Shady Acres agenda is revealed.
Hidden identity: Percival is revealed as Aunty Lily; Mattie is revealed as the murderer.
Mystery: The reason for Frances’ murder is resolved.
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Jane’s Emotional Moments
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I really had to force myself to explore this story as something with emotion. As a parody, the main hope for the audience is that they are chuckling along throughout the entire film. While my intent is that nothing is as “on the nose” as a Mel Brooks parody or AIRPLANE, I do want it to be fun and a bit silly. This assignment helped me keep the characters balanced by exploring emotions that might be elicited from the audience besides humor.
Genre: Parody of Tea Cozy Murder Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Act 1:
Empathy for June whose thoughts are young and bold and body is not cooperating.
Feel June’s Annoyance at Percival whose Hidden Weakness makes him brag.
June’s Excitement at having the chance to best Percival in the competition – they’ll be rooting for the underdog.
Shock and Distress as Frances is found dead.
Act 2:
Distress as Percival is pointed out as a suspect.
June’s Emotional Dilemma as Eloise is found to be missing. Fear for Eloise’s life.
Bonding as Mattie enters the picture as a friend and confidant for both sleuths.
Empathy for Percival as he discloses Wounds from his childhood to Mattie.
Shock and Fear as both sleuths lives are nearly ended in the ice house.
Fear for June as poisoned candy is delivered.
Act 3:
Fear as each sleuth investigates the other residents and staff, Moral Dilemmas abound.
Empathy and Friendship for Mattie as she shares the story of her mother’s death.
June’s Courage as she creates and launches her plan to find the killer.
Bonding as Percival first tries to stop June and then laments her death.
June has indeed Sacrificed her life to find the truth.
Act 4:
Shock that Mattie has manipulated everyone, including the audience and is the killer.
Fear for Percival’s life. His own Courage and Resolve to stop Mattie and avenge June’s death.
Surprise as June springs back to life and stops Mattie.
Surprise at June’s set up of the events to keep everyone, including herself safe.
Success as the two sleuths solve the mystery together.
Bonding as both keep the other’s secret.
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Jane’s Reveals!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned so much more about my characters, particularly Percival. I also discovered a very fun and pertinent track for what Shady Acres actually is. I also discovered how these reveals help move the story forward.
Genre: Parody of Tea Cozy Murder Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Act 1 Reveals:
Set Up – June is introduced as a Beryl Markham-like heroine
Reveal – She must use a walker to get around and is almost an invalid.
Set Up – Percival arrives at Shady Acres for some rest after a trying case.
Reveal – He is there because of serious death threats and will be protected.
Act 1 Set Ups Paid Off in Other Acts:
Set Up – June is an excellent at darts.
Reveal – Act 4, June expertly throws the Beryl Markham book at Mattie and knocks her out.
Set Up – Percival writes notes in an IPad.
Reveal – Act 4, Percival is Aunt Lily!
Set Up – Shady Acres is willing to offer Percival protection.
Reveal – Act 3, Shady Acres is a home run by the mob for people they want to keep an eye on.
Set Up – Eloise is excited to start a betting pool for the challenge.
Reveal – Act 3, Eloise is addicted to gambling, owes the mob a ton of money, and is the mother of a gangster who is in jail and has asked her to hide his loot for him.
Set Up – The Countess von Vhat describes her stolen jewelry as priceless and a family heirloom.
Reveal – Act 2, The Countess is a kleptomaniac and ex-wife of one of the mob bosses. Her jewelry is all fake and is left around for her to steal so that she feels good.
Set Up – Frances tells June that Eloise is not the sweet dotty old lady that she appears to be.
Reveal – Act 3, Frances was blackmailing most of the residents.
Act 2 Reveals:
Set Up – Percival determines that Frances was poisoned.
Reveal – Markus the gardener has a greenhouse full of poison plants.
Set Up – Mattie indirectly directs June and Percival to the ice-house.
Reveal – One or both of them were meant to die there.
Set Up – Caught writing in his IPad, Percival quickly drops it into June’s knitting bag.
Reveal – Mattie believes that June is Aunt Lily.
Set Up – Candy is given to June supposedly from Percival as an apology.
Reveal – The candy is poisoned.
Act 2 Set Ups Paid Off in Other Acts:
Set Up – Mattie replace Frances; she is sweet and caring and very interested in each resident.
Reveal – Act 4, Mattie is a killer, hell bent on revenge.
Act 3 Reveals:
Set Up – Eloise was missing and is found.
Reveal – She was not kidnapped but took the opportunity of being out of Anne’s sight to hitch a ride on a motorcycle down to the nearest casino. That’s how she lost her shoes and scarf.
Set Up – Mattie trades stories with June about concocting poisons.
Reveal – Mattie is a disgraced chemistry professor who was fired when she mistook a fellow professor as Aunt Lily.
Set Up – Percival is convinced that the murder and attempted murders are linked to one of his cases.
Reveal – The whole thing is based on a response that Aunt Lily gave Mattie’s mother years ago.
Set Up – June tries to get Mattie to talk about her past; Mattie is vague.
Reveal – Mattie’s past reveals why she wants June dead and Percival to be locked up for her murder.
Set Up – June will pretend to be dead in order for the killer to be thrown a loop and be discovered.
Set Up – June dies using her own concoction.
Reveal – June’s “poison” was switched with something deadly. She really is dead!
Act 4 Set Ups Paid Off in Other Acts:
Set Up – June brings together Major Perkins, the Countess and Mary Riddle and blackmails them.
Reveal – All three are recruited to thwart any attempts the murder might make to switch poisons or hurt Percival.
Set Up – June is pronounced dead.
Reveal – June knew Mattie would try and switch poisons and switched them back.
Note: Because I am a bit behind in my homework, I haven’t added these reveals into the outline yet. Once I am caught up, I’ll go back and add them in.
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Jane’s Character Action Tracks!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I really made a lot of headway on filling in parts that I didn’t know about yet. I feel like I’ve made a really strong base in which to weave the many red herring stories into. I also discovered a few things about June and Percival that I didn’t realize before. A big “aha” moment for me was trying to stick to the character profiles from the previous lesson. I really took that to heart and stuck to who they are as people. This brought up some interesting actions and also kept me from going off the deep end with a variety of plot ideas. I feel like I know them both much better than when I started the assignment.
Genre: Parody of Tea Cozy Murder Mystery
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Act 1: Who is the world’s greatest detective?
Beat 1: June Marvel moves into Shady Acres Nursing Center to recuperate from hip surgery.
a. June as Beryl Markum in a very intense adventure. June VO from book.
b. Reading WEST WITH THE NIGHT in the taxi. Grumpy at being interrupted by arriving at Shady Acres.
c. Tries to get out of taxi by herself but has to take hold of the walker.
d. Stops to watch tv news of P. Heriot coming out of trial at the conviction of a murderer. Grimaces. Mattie can be seen in the background as part of the crowd. No one notices.
e. Eloise introduces herself and tells June that Percival will be living at Shady Acres soon.
Beat 2: Percival Heriot, world-renowned sleuth has also moved into Shady Acres to rest after a long, difficult murder investigation.
a. June watches from the window then goes back to her book but has trouble concentrating.
b. Percival sweeps in, happy to greet his adoring fans. Acknowledges that he needs rest but promises to sign autographs in the tea room later.
Beat 3: Percival quickly becomes a star attraction at Shady Acres, with all the residents hanging on his every word as he tells stories of murder and intrigue.
a. June’s neice Flora visits and they go to the tea room. June doesn’t want to go in but Flora insists. Doesn’t she want to meet the great detective?
b. Percival astounds his audience with stories of crime and his ability to “see” with his little grey cells. Logic, and his special insight are all that is required for him to solve the case.
c. June challenges him about the role of human nature and the human heart – things that are mysterious and unknown that logic can’t recognize. Only an astute knowledge of humanity can recognize these things.
Beat 4: Retired for the night.
a. June reads her book. She puts it down and heads out to the center’s pub. She expertly throws darts.
b. Percival writes in a notebook at his desk. Pleased with his notes, he locks the notebook and hides it in a dresser drawer.
Beat 5: The next morning Countess Amelia von Vhat’s diamond necklace is missing.
a. June observes those around her and notices Eloise acting strangely.
b. Percival springs into action interviewing the Countess and going over her movements.
c. Convinced that he must jog his little grey cells into action, Percival takes a nap.
d. June confronts Eloise and discovers that she took the necklace in hopes that Percival would notice her. June tells her not to be so soppy and silly. She takes the necklace and restores it to the Countess.
e. June has her first PT session with Frances. Frances indicates that a crush on Percival is a pretty good excuse for Eloise’s behavior but doesn’t go into details.
Beat 6: Unable to be bested by anyone, especially June, Percival publicly dismisses June’s sleuthing abilities as amateurish.
a. June dismisses her success as something anyone could do.
b. Percival agrees that anyone could have figured out who the thief was.
c. June is irate. She accuses Percival of taking credit for work the police force does.
d. Percival berates the police force as not capable of solving a crime without him.
THE CHALLENGE (Page 10)
a. June responds by challenging him to a competition. Each must commit a small crime – no one gets hurt and no property is damaged – and the other one must solve it in a weekend.
b. Self-assured, Percival takes the challenge and the competition commences. Eloise creates a pool for the staff and rest of the residents to place bets. It’s a Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs battle of the sexes!!
Beat 7: June plans her “crime.”
a. June enlists the help of John and Mary Riddle, an elderly couple who live on the grounds and help in the kitchen and garden and Eloise, a kind but dotty permanent resident who has fallen in love with Percival. Eloise will disappear as if she were kidnapped and it will be up to Percival to find her. June builds Eloise a lovely stick blind where she can hide and watch all the fun. While June does this, Eloise gathers money from the betting pool.
Beat 8: Percival plans his “crime.”
a. Percival enlists the help of Major Perkins, an elderly permanent resident, Shady Acres gardener Markus, and Frances, the physical therapist. One of these individuals will steal the championship darts from the Shady Acres darts team and hold them ransom. The others he will set up as red herrings to distract June.
Beat 9: The challenge begins on Friday night. Chosen to launch the challenge, Countess Amelia von Vhat tells the two competitors the rules, wishes them luck and starts the competition.
a. June leaves as if to go to her room, then sneaks back to Eloise and escorts her from the building. She takes her to the hide where she tucks her in with a glass of sherry and a book. She then goes to the pub to play darts and finds the darts missing. She begins to pull together clues.
b. Percival gathers his team in his room and goes over the strategy then sends them on their way. He then waits as Major Perkins sneaks into the pub and, with gloves on and shoes off, steals the pub darts.
Beat 10: THE MURDER IS DISCOVERED (PAGE 30)
a. On Saturday morning, the body of Frances is discovered in the PT room. She has been killed by darts.
b. Percival takes over ther crime scene. The police enter. As Percival begins, he is interrupted by June.
c. June takes notice of the darts and proceeds to notice the reaction of everyone in the room. She notices the darts and tells the police that Percival may not be the best person to head up the investigation.
Act 2: Who on earth would want to kill me?
Beat 11: Percival doesn’t understand why Frances has the darts. She was one of his red herrings.
a. June studies Percival’s reaction but doesn’t listen.
b. Percival can’t understand why Frances had the darts. Major Perkens had them.
c. June makes herself the “trusted” one and shares her knowledge of Frances as a potential blackmalier. She encourages the police to watch Percival carefully.
d. Major Perkins says that Percival caleed him and asked that he bring the darts to Percival’s room, which he did. Just obeying orders.
e. June watches Percival’s every move. Why does he spend so much time alone in his room napping? Is it a ruse?
f. Percival realizes that he is a prime suspect. He begins to investigate but June hovers.
Beat 12: Percival discovers that Eloise is missing. Percival accuses June of endangering Eloise and possibly having a motive for murder.
a. As Percival’s “crime” is now discovered (stealing the darts) he insists that June reveal her’s.
b. June has totally forgotten about Eloise. Whe she goes out to the blind to get her, Eloise is gone without a trace.
c. Percival tells the police that there are two crimes, a missing person and a murder. He casts suspicion on June who he witnessed talking with the deceased about the missing person mere days before.
d. June is outraged!
Beat 13: Mattie joins the center on Monday morning as the replacement physical therapist. Both June and Percival have appointments with her that day.
a. June is too focused on outing Percival to notice Mattie very much. She tells Mattie what she has observed, more as a sounding board than a person.
b. Percival graciously accepts Mattie’s adoration of him and expresses his outrage at June’s accusations. He tells her about the tiny blind that June hid Eloise in and Mattie discovers Percival’s claustrophobia.
c. Mattie is extremely kind and a good listener. She expresses concern, not for herself although it could be someone targeting PT’s. No, she is concerned about the impact the death and missing person has on the residents.
d. Mattie “accidently” turns the treadmill on high for Percival. She apologizes profusely.
e. Percival nearly passes out on the treadmill.
Beat 14: Both detectives work independently to locate Eloise and prove that the other is to blame for Frances’ death. Each ignores potential clues.
a. June searches Eloise’s room and finds that she has very few possessions and nothing to identify her. Anne, the administrator finds her and tells her to leave.
b. June doesn’t register the clue that Mattie endangered Percival when she is told about his ordeal at tea.
c. Percival recruits Major Perkins to help him find clues to both the murder and to Eloise’s disappearance.
d. Percival askes Major Perkins to tell him exactly what the voice on the phone said. Major Perkins reveals a word that Percival doesn’t use plus that it was hard to understand him because of his sore throat. Percival has not had a sore throat for years.
e. Percival mentions something that a military man should know but Major Perkins doesn’t. Hmm? Percival doesn’t seem to notice.
Beat 15: Mattie takes Percival a gift to say she is sorry for the treadmill mistake.
a. P. is touched by her thoughtfullness. Confides in her that his fear of small places grew out of being bullied as a child.
b. M. realizes that being locked in a small cell for the rest of his life would be worse than death for P.
Beat 16: June discovers Eloise’s secret
a. In searching for Eloise, June discovers that Eloise has a gambling problem and that a mob boss is after her because she is the mother of a mobster who asked his mother to hide his loot while he is in jail.
Beat 17: Percival discovers that Markus the gardener, has a secret.
a. P. learns that the darts were poisoned and that Francis died from a botanical poison. He snoops around and discovers that gardener Markus has a greenhouse full of poisonous nad exotic plants.
Beat 18: Mattie expresses concern for June and Percival’s health due to stress from trying to find Eloise and solve the murder.
a. June feels like she is being patronized.
b. P. smiles but doesn’t listen.
c. M. is very concerned and seems genuinely concerned about Eloise too.
d. M. puts forth some ideas about where Eloise might be that the police haven’t checked. She mentions the old ice-house on the grounds.
e. June attempts to go to the ice-house but her walker slows her down. She is angry.
f. P. rushes past J. He will get there first.
Beat 19: They both arrive at the ice house.
a. J. takes a short cut. She is smug when she gets there before him.
b. P. follows the path and finds J. has beaten him. He pretends not to care but is obviously miffed.
c. J. investigates the ice house doorway and finds it is unlocked. She can’t fit her walker through the door opening. She is frustrated.
d. P. finds Eloise’s shoe. He doesn’t tell J. he’s found it.
e. P must go in the ice house.
f. P. makes excuses. She wasn’t in the ice house. He won’t say why he thinks that.
g. J. tries without the walker but is too unsteady. She chides P. about being afraid.
h. His ego succumbs and he agrees to go in. He is terrified.
Beat 20: Inside the ice house.
a. P. is terrified but notices the other shoe. Inch by inch he moves into the room to get it.
Beat 21: Outside the ice house.
a. J.’s frustration is appeased when she sees Eloise’s scarf on top of the ice house dome. She scrambles up to get it. The roof caves in.
b. The doorway is blocked but P. is unharmed. J. has crashed through and joined him. They are now both in a bit of bricks.
c. J. shows him Eloise’s scarf and something of his.
d. P. shows her the shoe and the shoe that he found outside.
e. They both decide that calling for help might bring about worse things, get the attention of the wrong person.
f. Together they arrange the bricks so that P. can crawl out. He assists J.
g. J. does not like being helped by P
h. P. makes some observations but doesn’t say anything.
i. John Riddle finds them and takes them back to the center for care.
Beat 22: ATTEMPTED MURDER (PAGE 45)
a. J. throws darts as she considers the situation.
b. P. joins her. He tells her that he thinks her life is in danger.
c. J. thinks he’s over-reacting. But she secretly likes the idea of danger.
d. P. wants to know if there is anyone who she thinks might want her dead.
e. J. is insulted by the insinuations that she thinks P. is making. She will find out what is going on without his help.
Beat 23: June finds poison.
a. Major Perkins brings J. a favorite candy. He has found them in his room with a note from P. asking him to take them to her as a peace offering. They are poisoned.
b. J takes the candy to P.
c. P. denies sending them.
d. P. announces that he is right, someone is trying to kill J.
e. J. confirms that he is correct and that someone is trying to frame him for her murder.
Act 3: How to Catch a Killer
Beat 24: June has an appointment with Mattie
a. M. is able to get J. to talk about what is going on. They are interrupted by something before J. can tell her what they suspect.
b. M. remains concerned and supportive but asks a lot of questions. She slips in saying that it is amazing that J. wasn’t killed as her assumption was that J. would go into the ice house because of P.’s claustrophobia.
c. The interruption is something that spurs J. to tell P. about Eloise’s past.
d. P. arranges that he and J. have an excursion. He gets Markus to take them to any clandestine gambling houses around.
Beat 25: Eloise is found!
a. P & J find Eloise at the crap tables. She owes big.
b. P. pays her debt and they leave.
c. Back at the center, P. interrogates Eloise and upsets her.
d. J. gets frustrated with his insensitivity and tells him off.
e. J. interrogates Eloise in a more gentle friendly manner and discovers that she was drugged and when she woke up, she was at the house where she could gamble. She didn’t think they’d miss her.
Beat 26: J & P regroup to see what they know
a. P. creates a “crime” board on the back of his vanity mirror. He invites J. to his room to disucss what they know and what they don’t know.
b. J. is too caught up in the puzzle to be snarky. She realizes that everyone around them has some secret.
c. P. suggests that they divide up the residents and the staff and take them on one at a time.
d. With P. so efficient, J. doubts her ablilities.
Beat 27: June has another appointment with Mattie.
a. In chatting with Mattie, J. asks questions about the job at PT. She is interested in knowing more about Frances.
b. M. accidently drops a huge clue that J. doesn’t catch. Mattie is very good with chemicals, particularly poisons. She gets defensive about everyone having something to hide. She makes an excuse and ends the session early. We won’t get this clue until the very end.
Beat 28: INVESTIGATION OF THE CENTER (PAGE 60)
a. J. looks into the movements of the Countess, the Riddles and Major Perkins.
b. P. looks into the movements of Markus, Anne and Frances.
Beat 29: J. discovers that P. is Aunt Lily.
a. J. goes to P.’s room and he is not there. She grabs a piece of paper to write a note and discovers that he is anut Lily. She decides it is of no consequence.
Beat 30: Retracing their steps, the sleuths discover that they both seem to have been brought to Shady Acres through the recommendation of a friend of a friend.
a. J. wonders why Shady Acres for both of them. Were they led there for a purpose.
b. P. wonders why Frances would be killed if the intent was to harm both of them. Decides he must look back into his past. It is obviously someone who is connected to one of his past cases.
c. J. is not convinced. Why kill a PT? She believes that is the key to the mystery.
Beat 31: June has another appointment with Mattie and asks more questions.
a. June tries to find out more about Mattie.
b. Mattie tells J. that she lost her mother at an early age. Is vague about her past.
Beat 32: June hatches a plan to fool the killer into revealing who they are. She has her suspicions.
a. June hatches a plan by which she will appear to have died. June has a wonderful knowledge of chemistry and knows of a potion she can make which will make her appear dead. With her out of the way, the killer’s plan will fall though.
Beat 33: June shares her plan with Percival.
a. She plans to tell him her suspicions, but when he tells her “no” she decides to keep them to herself.
b. Percival is totally against her planned “death.” He lists the ways it could go wrong. No, his little grey cells have been working. That’s all they need.
c. June leaves frustrated but is determined.
Beat 34: June puts her plan into action.
a. Via blackmail, J. elicits the help of Major Perkins, the Countess and Mrs. Riddle.
b. P. holds up in his room, letting his little grey cells work. They keep coming back to Frances” murder. Why??
Beat 35: June dies at tea.
a. June keels over on the table. Major Perkins pronounces her dead.
b. P. tries to stop them from moving the body but Major Perkins insists. They move the body to the sofa.
Beat 36: Anne moves everyone out except Percival.
a. Percival talks with June, tells her that he wishes she would have let him help her. He sees her book on the table and places it in her folded hands. For when she wakes up.
Act 4: Oh No You Don’t!
Beat 37: Mattie is exposed (Page 90)
a. Mattie enter carrying a cup of tea which she gives to Percival. She encourages him to drink it. And is supportive but rather cagey.
b. P. drinks the tea.
c. Mattie watches him finish the tea.
d. He tells Mattie that June is just drugged. That it was a misplaced attempt to out Frances’ killer.
e. Mattie tells him that she switched the powders and that June took a lethal dose of digitalis instead. June is dead.
f. P. asks her why.
g. Mattie tells him about her mother and that Aunt Lily is to blame. She tells him the story and why June had to die.
h. P. tells her that June is not Aunt Lily.
i. Mattie says one of them is so they both must be punished. She’s called the police and they’re on their way. But in his grief of what he has done to his friend, he will take his own life. To ensure this happens, the tea she gave him contained poison.
j. P. is beside himself with guilt and pain. June was his friend. She was right and he wouldn’t listen. Now they are both doomed.
Beat 38: June saves the day!
a. Mattie tells P. good-bye and goes to leave.
b. June springs up, heaves the Beryl Markum book across the room, clocks Mattie in the head and knocks her out.
c. P. is ecstatic. He calls J. a hero.
d. J. fills in the bits about Aunt Lily that Mattie left out, painting the whole picture of her sorry tale.
e. Percival attempts to move the conversation away from Aunt Lily.
f. June tells him that she has seen his notebook.
g. P. is embarrassed and unsure.
h. The police arrive and are brought in. They arrest Mattie.
Beat 39: The others are filled in over roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
a. Everyone asks P. to tell them what happened. He starts to, then defers to J.
b. J. tells the tale but twists the circumstances so that no one knows that Percival is Aunt Lily.
c. P. is approached by the people he investigated and they are assured their secrets are safe with both himself and June.
d. J. is approached by the people he investigated and they are assured their secrets are safe with both herself and Percival.
Beat 40: The final scene.
a. P. leaves ready to get started on his next adventure. He invites J. to join him.
b. J. is not sorry to leave but reluctantly leaves P’s company. She tells him she won’t join him. She has her own adventures to look forward to.
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Jane’s New Outline Beats
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I found many more holes than I realized during my first pass. I have only noted the holes in () and bold here rather than trying to fix them. I’m also reconsidering what the red herrings are and how many residents I should include as having motives and opportunities. Somewhere in here I have to make Frances, the murder victim, seem like a lot of people had it in for her. Maybe a blackmailer? I’m using methods from this lesson to figure out the layers of plot for each red herring as well as the murder victim. Great fun!!!
Genre: Murder Mystery Parody
Act 1: Who is the world’s greatest detective?
June PJ 1: June Marvel moves into Shady Acres Nursing Center to recuperate from hip surgery.
Percival PJ 1: Percival Heriot, a world renowned detective has also moved into Shady Acres to rest after a long, difficult murder investigation. (June watches the police report on tv)
Percival PJ 2: Percival quickly becomes a star attraction at Shady Acres, with all the residents hanging on his every word as he tells stories of murder and intrigue.
June PJ 2: June quickly tires of the attention Percival seems to demand. Then a resident’s diamond pendent goes missing. (Add something here about Frances that suggests she knows things about the residents and the admin at Shady Acres). While Percival has a nap in his room, June solves the case and receives the admiration of the residents.
Deep Layer: Percival is busy writing what sounds like a love letter but he is actually writing the latest edition of the Aunt Lily Advice column.
Percival PJ 3: Unable to be bested by anyone, especially June, Percival publicly dismisses June’s sleuthing abilities as amateurish.
Inciting Incident – June responds by challenging him to a competition. Each must commit a small crime – no one gets hurt and no property is damaged – and the other one must solve it in a weekend. Self-assured, Percival takes the challenge and the competition commences. The staff and rest of the residents place bets and encourage their particular champion. It’s a Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs battle of the sexes!!
Percival PJ 4: For his crime, Percival enlists the help of Major Perkins, an elderly permanent resident, Shady Acres gardener Markus, and Frances, the physical therapist. One of these individuals will steal the championship darts from the Shady Acres darts team and hold them ransom. The others he will set up as red herrings to distract June.
June PJ 3: For her crime, June enlists the help of John and Mary Riddle, an elderly couple who live on the grounds and help in the kitchen and garden and Eloise, a kind but dotty permanent resident who has fallen in love with Percival. Eloise will disappear as if she were kidnapped and it will be up to Percival to find her. June builds Eloise a lovely stick blind where she can hide and watch all the fun. While June does this, Eloise tries to get a betting pool going among the residents.
Deep Layer: June shows herself capable of physical tasks, despite her walker.
Turning point – The challenge begins on Friday night. On Saturday morning, Frances is found dead on the center’s treadmill. She has been murdered with the championship darts.
Act 2: Who on earth would want to kill me?
Percival PJ 5: Percival doesn’t understand why Frances has the darts. She was one of his red herrings. (Major Perkins reveals that he gave the darts to Percival after stealing them.)
June PJ 4: June accuses Percival of setting Frances up. Did he have reason to kill her?
Deep Layer: June has been keeping tabs on how much time Percival spends “napping.”
Percival PJ 6: Percival discovers that Eloise is missing. When June looks for her where she is supposed to be, she isn’t there. Percival accuses June of endangering Eloise.
Mattie AJ 1: Mattie joins the center on Monday morning as the replacement physical therapist. Both June and Percival have appointments with her that day. She “accidently” turns the traction machine on high for Percival. She apologizes profusely.
Deep Layer: She enjoys hurting Percival.
June PJ 5: June works to find Eloise while also seeking evidence against Percival. Some red flags pop up but, because they don’t implicate Percival, she ignores them. (What are the red flags??? It might be here that one of the residents recognizes Mattie in a crowd – photo of Percival from tv.)
Mattie AJ 2: Mattie takes Percival a gift to say she is sorry for the traction mistake. Percival is touched by her generosity and begins to confide in her, telling her that he thinks June is trying to set him up for murder. He tells her about being bullied as a child. (Confined spaces reveal here???)
Deep Layer: Mattie realizes that going to jail would be worse than death for Percival. She rethinks her plan.
June PJ 6: June enlists the help of her niece Flora to help her find Eloise and discovers that Eloise is not the dotty, innocent lady she appears to be. (Discovers a plethora of debt that has been paid off by relatives. Anne, the administrator of Shady Acres is supposed to keep her out of the casinos. What do they have on Anne? Does Eloise know?) Could she be the murderer? Resolved that it is Percival’s fault, she ignores the evidence that links Eloise to Frances’ death.
Percival PJ 7: As he looks for clues to clear his name, Percival stumbles on a clandestine plant theft ring orchestrated by Markus. (How does he discover this?) Could Markus be the murderer? Too focused on clearing his name and shining light on June’s supposed crimes, he ignores the evidence. (What is the evidence he ignores? Poison missing???)
Mattie AJ 3: Concerned that the murder and disappearance of Eloise is harming June’s progress and Percival’s health, Mattie sits them down together and tells them to leave these things to the police. In their conversation, she mentions the old ice-house as a place that the police may not have looked. She watches June and Percival leave the main building and head for the ice-house.
Percival PJ 8: At the ice-house Percival is afraid to go in. (need to establish his claustrophobia. He confides in Mattie – maybe won’t do a certain PT exercise because of a small space.)
June PJ 6: June tries but can’t get through the door with her walker. She is disappointed as Percival, obviously terrified, enters the ice-house.
Deep Layers: Percival’s worst fears and June’s frustration that, once again, she is on the outside looking in.
June PJ 9: Inside Percival freezes. Outside, June spots something on the domed roof of the ice-house and investigates. She recognizes it as something belonging to Percival. When she goes to pick it up, the roof caves in. (What is the something? It has to be something that Percival would, if he were outside, want to retrieve. Perhaps it is something of Eloise’s.)
June PJ 10: She finds Percival unharmed but terrified by the small space. (Walker blocks a beam from falling on them). Brick by brick, June claws her way out, making space for Percival to scamper out.
Midpoint Turning Point – Outside they observe the crushed ice-house and realize that the roof beams have been recently sawn. The roof cave in was orchestrated by someone who wanted to kill one or both of them.
Act 3: How to Catch a Killer.
Mattie AJ 4: Mattie is shocked by the news and tells June it’s lucky she wasn’t killed. The assumption that June would be the one in the ice-house is over-looked. (The saw is found in Percival’s room)
June PJ 11: June tells Percival about Eloise’s past, a gambling addiction that landed her in hot water more times than can be counted. June asks her niece to check all gambling houses within a ten mile radius. Eloise is found at the crap tables.
Percival PJ 9: In his room, Percival creates a crime board. He invites June to examine it with him. As June examines the crime board, she realizes that everyone around them has a secret to be discovered. They hatch a plan to one by one eliminate each suspect. (Percival exceeds himself here and it seems like his “little grey cells” are more powerful than June’s hunches regarding human nature.)
This can be a moment where June doubts herself and Percival let’s his ego run rampant.
Mattie AJ 5: During a PT session June says that everyone has something to hide, even though Mattie insists that she doesn’t. (This could be the point where we discover that Mattie knows poisons)
June PJ 13: Another attempt is made on June’s life with evidence that Percival is trying to kill June. (What type of attempt???? Poison????) The incident happens when Percival is “napping” in his room. (This is where June discovers that Percival is Aunt Lily – she searches his room) June and Percival finally realize that the crime is to kill June and have Percival convicted of her murder. They just can’t see how Frances’ murder plays into it.
Percival PJ 10/June PJ 14: Together they go back over everything that has happened since they arrived. How did they both come to be at Shady Acres? Who recommended it? They know something is there but they just can’t put their finger on it. (June has to realize that Mattie is the key to the mystery. It is here that June begins her investigation of Mattie. Percival can say no, not Mattie. He knows because he has such a great knowledge of human character. One of his flaws – always being right. Except this time, he’s wrong).
June PJ 15: June hatches a plan by which she will appear to have died. June has a wonderful knowledge of chemistry and knows of a potion she can make which will make her appear dead. (Give June a reason to know poisons and chemicals well) With her out of the way, the killer’s plan will fall though. She shares her plan with Percival.
Percival PJ 11: Percival is totally against it. He lists the ways it could go wrong. No, his little grey cells have been working. June leaves frustrated.
June PJ 16: June elicits the help of Major Perkins. She takes the powder and “dies” during afternoon tea. Major Perkins pronounces her dead. (set Major Perkins up as a disgraced doctor – this can be his scandal)
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – With June laid out on the sofa, Percival sits and talks with her alone. Mattie enters and gives him a cup of tea. She tells Percival that June can’t hear him. She’s dead. Percival says no, she took a powder to appear dead in order to trap the killer. Mattie tells him that she switched the powders and that June took a lethal dose of digitalis instead. (Give Mattie a reason to know poisons well)
Act 4: Oh no you don’t!
Percival PJ 12: He is horrified. June, his best adversary, his prodder, his friend. Dead.
Deeper Layer: Percival’s humanity and emotion. He truly cared about June.
Mattie AJ 6: Mattie tells him that she’s called the police and they’re on their way. But in his grief of what he has done to his friend, he will take his own life. To ensure this happens, the tea she gave him contained poison. (need to have Percival drink a very special tea – he’s very persnickety about it – so that it is easily identified. Also, in order for it not to be poisoned, need to have June working with someone (Mary Riddle in the kitchen) who she can tell to watch Mattie and do not let her serve Percival anything. Someone who would never drink the tea themselves because they don’t like it. Eloise?)
June PJ 17: Mattie goes to leave. June sits up quickly and throws her book at Mattie, clocking her in the head and knocking her out. (need June throwing darts like a champ) As they wait for the police, June tells Percival that Mattie is the daughter of someone who took advice from Aunt Lily years ago and died. (need to show how June finds this out – perhaps with help from niece Flora) Mattie blamed Aunt Lily for taking her mother from her.
Deep Layer: June has worked out the mystery and has actively stopped the murderer in her tracks and saved Percival’s life. She has proved to herself that she is indeed an action hero.
Percival PJ 13: Percival realizes that June knows he is Aunt Lily. He also knows that she will keep his secret.
Deep Layer: Percival has found a kindred spirit and a friend who accepts him for who he is.
Resolution – Over tea, the two sleuths tell the others why Frances was killed. June twists the circumstances so that no one knows that Percival is Aunt Lily. (need to include references to Aunt Lily that shine light on no one knowing who she is. Perhaps there is suspicion that one of the other residents, perhaps even June, is Aunt Lily.)
Residents sigh with relief because, not only has the killer been caught, but their own secrets seem to be safe. (need to weave more of the scandals and secrets of each secondary character)
June and Percival leave the nursing center at the same time, parting ways as comrades in arms and, maybe, just maybe, friends.
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Jane’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to bring together so many thoughts I’ve had about what this story actually is. I found the ones that work okay and a lot that didn’t. I also found all of the holes that need filling. Loved doing this process and excited to start it again for the next layer.
Genre: Murder Mystery Parody
Act 1: Who is the world’s greatest detective?
June PJ 1: June Marvel moves into Shady Acres Nursing Center to recuperate from hip surgery.
Percival PJ 1: Percival Heriot, a world renowned detective has also moved into Shady Acres to rest after a long, difficult murder investigation.
Percival PJ 2: Percival quickly becomes a star attraction at Shady Acres, with all the residents hanging on his every word as he tells stories of murder and intrigue.
June PJ 2: June quickly tires of the attention Percival seems to demand. Then a resident’s diamond pendent goes missing. While Percival has a nap in his room, June solves the case and receives the admiration of the residents.
Deep Layer: Percival is busy writing what sounds like a love letter but he is actually writing the latest edition of the Aunt Lily Advice column.
Percival PJ 3: Unable to be bested by anyone, especially June, Percival publicly dismisses June’s sleuthing abilities as amateurish.
Inciting Incident – June responds by challenging him to a competition. Each must commit a small crime – no one gets hurt and no property is damaged – and the other one must solve it in a weekend. Self-assured, Percival takes the challenge and the competition commences. The staff and rest of the residents place bets and encourage their particular champion. It’s a Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs battle of the sexes!!
Percival PJ 4: For his crime, Percival enlists the help of Major Perkins, an elderly permanent resident, Shady Acres gardener Markus, and Frances, the physical therapist. One of these individuals will steal the championship darts from the Shady Acres darts team and hold them ransom. The others he will set up as red herrings to distract June.
June PJ 3: For her crime, June enlists the help of the Riddles, an elderly couple who live on the grounds and help in the kitchen and garden and Eloise, a kind but dotty permanent resident who has fallen in love with Percival. Eloise will disappear as if she were kidnapped and it will be up to Percival to find her.
Deep Layer: June builds Eloise a lovely stick blind where she can hide and watch all the fun.
Turning point – The challenge begins on Friday night. On Saturday morning, Frances is found dead on the center’s treadmill. She has been murdered with the championship darts.
Act 2: Who on earth would want to kill me?
Percival PJ 5: Percival doesn’t understand why Frances has the darts. She was one of his red herrings.
June PJ 4: June accuses Percival of setting Frances up. Did he have reason to kill her?
Deep Layer: June has been keeping tabs on how much time Percival spends napping.
Percival PJ 6: Percival discovers that Eloise is missing. When June looks for her where she is supposed to be, she isn’t there. Percival accuses June of endangering Eloise.
Mattie AJ 1: Mattie joins the center on Monday morning as the replacement physical therapist. Both June and Percival have appointments with her that day. She “accidently” turns the traction machine on high for Percival. She apologizes profusely.
Deep Layer: She enjoys hurting Percival.
June PJ 5: June works to find Eloise while also seeking evidence against Percival. Some red flags pop up but, because they don’t implicate Percival, she ignores them.
Mattie AJ 2: Mattie takes Percival a gift to say she is sorry for the traction mistake. Percival is touched by her generosity and begins to confide in her, telling her that he thinks June is trying to set him up for murder. He tells her about being bullied as a child and his fear of confined spaces.
Deep Layer: Mattie realizes that going to jail would be worse than death for Percival. She rethinks her plan.
June PJ 6: June enlists the help of her niece Flora to help her find Eloise and discovers that Eloise is not the dotty, innocent lady she appears to be. Could she be the murderer? Resolved that it is Percival’s fault, she ignores the evidence that links Eloise to Frances’ death.
Percival PJ 7: As he looks for clues to clear his name, Percival stumbles on a clandestine plant theft ring orchestrated by Markus. Could Markus be the murderer? Too focused on clearing his name and shining light on June’s supposed crimes, he ignores the evidence.
Mattie AJ 3: Concerned that the murder and disappearance of Eloise is harming June’s progress and Percival’s health, Mattie sits them down together and tells them to leave these things to the police. In their conversation, she mentions the old ice-house as a place that the police may not have looked. She watches June and Percival leave the main building and head for the ice-house.
Percival PJ 8: At the ice-house Percival is afraid to go in.
June PJ 6: June tries but can’t get through the door with her walker. She is disappointed as Percival, obviously terrified, enters the ice-house.
Deep Layers: Percival’s worst fears and June’s frustration that, once again, she is on the outside looking in.
June PJ 9: Inside Percival freezes. Outside, June spots something on the domed roof of the ice-house and investigates. She recognizes it as something belonging to Percival. When she goes to pick it up, the roof caves in.
June PJ 10: She finds Percival unharmed but terrified by the small space. (Walker blocks a beam from falling on them). Brick by brick, June claws her way out, making space for Percival to scamper out.
Midpoint Turning Point – Outside they observe the crushed ice-house and realize that the roof beams have been recently sawn. The roof cave in was orchestrated by someone who wanted to kill one or both of them.
Act 3: How to Catch a Killer.
Mattie AJ 4: Mattie is shocked by the news and tells June it’s lucky she wasn’t killed. The assumption that June would be the one in the ice-house is over-looked.
June PJ 11: June tells Percival about Eloise’s past, a gambling addiction that landed her in hot water more times than can be counted. June asks her niece to check all gambling houses within a ten mile radius. Eloise is found at the crap tables.
Percival PJ 9: In his room, Percival creates a crime board. He invites June to examine it with him. As June examines the crime board, she realizes that everyone around them has a secret to be discovered. They hatch a plan to one by one eliminate each suspect.
Mattie AJ 5: During a PT session June says that everyone has something to hide, even though Mattie insists that she doesn’t.
June PJ 13: Another attempt is made on June’s life with evidence that Percival is trying to kill June. The incident happens when Percival is “napping” in his room. June and Percival finally realize that the crime is to kill June and have Percival convicted of her murder. They just can’t see how Frances’ murder plays into it.
Percival PJ 10/June PJ 14: Together they go back over everything that has happened since they arrived. How did they both come to be at Shady Acres? Who recommended it? They know something is there but they just can’t put their finger on it.
June PJ 15: June hatches a plan by which she will appear to have died. June has a wonderful knowledge of chemistry and knows of a potion she can make which will make her appear dead. With her out of the way, the killer’s plan will fall though. She shares her plan with Percival.
Percival PJ 11: Percival is totally against it. He lists the ways it could go wrong. No, his little grey cells have been working. June leaves frustrated.
June PJ 16: June elicits the help of Major Perkins. She takes the powder and “dies” during afternoon tea. Major Perkins pronounces her dead.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – With June laid out on the sofa, Percival sits and talks with her alone. Mattie enters and gives him a cup of tea. She tells Percival that June can’t hear him. She’s dead. Percival says no, she took a powder to appear dead in order to trap the killer. Mattie tells him that she switched the powders and that June took a lethal dose of digitalis instead.
Act 4: Oh no you don’t!
Percival PJ 12: He is horrified. June, his best adversary, his prodder, his friend. Dead.
Deeper Layer: Percival’s humanity and emotion. He truly cared about June.
Mattie AJ 6: Mattie tells him that she’s called the police and they’re on their way. But in his grief of what he has done to his friend, he will take his own life. To ensure this happens, the tea she gave him contained poison.
June PJ 17: Mattie goes to leave. June sits up quickly and throws her book at Mattie, clocking her in the head and knocking her out. As they wait for the police, June tells Percival that Mattie is the daughter of someone who took advice from Aunt Lily years ago and died. Mattie blamed Aunt Lily for taking her mother from her.
Deep Layer: June has worked out the mystery and has actively stopped the murderer in her tracks and saved Percival’s life. She has proved to herself that she is indeed an action hero.
Percival PJ 13: Percival realizes that June knows he is Aunt Lily. He also knows that she will keep his secret.
Deep Layer: Percival has found a kindred spirit and a friend who accepts him for who he is.
Resolution – Over tea, the two sleuths tell the others why Frances was killed. June twists the circumstances so that no one knows that Percival is Aunt Lily. Residents sigh with relief because, not only has the killer been caught, but their own secrets seem to be safe. June and Percival leave the nursing center at the same time, parting ways as comrades in arms and, maybe, just maybe, friends.
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Jane’s Deeper Layers
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned a lot more about how my killer’s roll will help move the plot along without ever standing out as a suspect. There’s a lot to fill in here but this assignment helped me create some good strong bones for the antagonist, who lurks in the background as a helpful, sunny person.
June Marvel
Surface Layer: June is recovering from hip surgery. She is treated as frail and given the minimum of activity to do in order to recover. Everyone’s expectation of her is that she doesn’t need to have vigorous physical therapy because she does not have a vigorous lifestyle.
Deeper Layer: June sees herself as far more able than others believe. She is an action hero.
Major Reveal: June rescues Percival from the ice cellar putting her life in peril and saving him through pure active grit.
Influences Surface Story: June far exceeds the physical therapist’s activities; she challenges Percival to a battle of the sexes crime challenge where her crime take some kick-ass physical work; she is a phenomenal darts player. Competitive nature continually bubbles up.
Hints: Books that she reads; picture of Beryl Markham on her dresser; stepping in to save the darts tournament.
Changes Reality: We discover that an elderly spinster who copes with life via her incredible understanding of the human heart is actually a very astute action hero when she needs to be makes us admire her for her courage and pluck, not just her keen mind and sensible shoes.
Beginning: June moves into Shady Acres, a rehabilitation center, to recover from a hip replacement surgery.
Inciting Incident: The famous detective Percival Heriot is also staying in the center. He incites June’s fury and she challenges him to a contest to see if he can solve a crime that she comes up with. He challenges her to the same contest and they are off and running.
Turning Point 1: The body of the center’s physical therapist is discovered. She has been murdered.
Act 2: June believes that Percival’s “crime” has gone terribly wrong. She accuses him of murder and sets out to prove he did it.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: June follows Percival to an ancient ice house on the grounds. They are locked in and barely escape with their lives. During their escape, June is nearly killed as she saves Percival. It is clear that someone is trying to kill them both.
Act 3: With the knowledge that someone wants them both dead, June must put aside her prejudice against Percival and work with him to find the killer. As she begins working with him, she discovers he has a secret.
Turning Point 3: Their plan is to fake June’s death, with the idea that the killer will expose himself when her “death” is discovered. June is finally getting a chance to play an active role in catching a criminal rather than just knitting and observing. She is ecstatic!
Act 4 Climax: The killer knows that June is not actually dead and takes the opportunity to attempt to kill her. In a fight for her life and Percival’s, June turns the tables and traps the killer.
Resolution: June has finally become the action hero she’s always dreamed of becoming. Knowing that she can take tough action and be recognized for it, she now goes back to the comfortable life of knitting and observing human nature. But, she could take action again anytime.
Percival Heriot
Surface Layer: Exhausted from overwork, Percival needs rest and respite. However, he can’t help but try to steal the show anytime he can. So he shares stories that amaze some but irritate others, particularly June.
Deeper Layer: In order to be close to people, something he has struggled with all of his life, Percival has for years written an advice column under the psuedomum Aunt Lily.
Major Reveal: At the end of the story when we discover that the killer is not seeking revenge based on a crime but rather because of perceived bad advice from Aunt Lily.
Influences Surface Story: Interjects words of wisdom but is pooh-poohed because he is perceived as all logic, no feeling; dismayed when people seem to shut him out regarding feelings so tends to exaggerate his logical abilities to get their attention focused back on him. He is supposed to rest but can’t stop craving attention and approval.
Hints: Steals away and is secretive; defends Aunt Lily’s honor when someone doubts her wise counsel; ALWAYS reads Aunt Lily’s column.
Changes Reality: Discovering that Percival Heriot has most likely helped more people as Aunt Lily than he has as a great detective shifts us from believing that he is only a logical “machine.”
Beginning: After solving a very public murder, Percival is exhausted and checks into Shady Acres for a month of TLC.
Inciting Incident: He finds the idea of mild June Marvel solving a crime that he creates laughable. But when she easily discovers the theft of a diamond ring faster than he does, he takes the competition seriously and recruits some of the staff, including the center’s physical therapist, to help him.
Turning Point 1: The physical therapist is found dead, with evidence that links her to Percival as his accomplice.
Act 2: Suspicion turns to Percival and he decides that he must find the killer or be arrested for murder.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Percival follows the clues to an ancient ice house, unaware that June is on his tail. As the ice house fills with carbon monoxide, Percival is rescued by June. As they make their escape, the ice house falls down around them and they barely escape with their lives.
Act 3: With the knowledge that someone wants them both dead, Percival must put aside his pride and work with June to find the killer.
Turning Point 3: For the first time in a very long time, Percival is part of a team, not working alone. But he has trouble adapting and, because of this, their plan and June’s life is now in deep peril. Can his “little grey cells” work fast enough to expose the killer?
Act 4 Climax: Percival realizes who the killer is and why they want him to go to jail for murdering June. It’s not about an old case. It’s about his moonlighting job as Aunt Lily. He can’t use his usual “denouement in library” method of exposing the killer. He must resort to using June’s plan and he must stick to it or she will die and he will go to prison for her murder.
Resolution: June’s fast action and his ability to adapt to something new in a pinch saves the day. He discovers that he likes working with June and that she is the one person he knows he can trust with his deepest secret.
Murderer
Surface Layer: Concerned therapist eager to fill in and help when the previous therapist is murdered.
Deeper Layer: Vengeful killer determined to kill Aunt Lily.
Major Reveal: At the climax of the story we learn that the threats against June and Percival are not based on revenge from someone whose loved one was incarcerated or hanged for a crime that she believes they were innocent of but rather they are based on advice given long ago that the killer believes led to her mother’s death.
Influences Surface Story: Overly chatty with both June and Percival; overly concerned with their progress.
Hints: Is responsible for both June and Percival moving into Shady Acres; pushes June’s theory that Percival is responsible for the last therapists death; is very keen to know what June and Percival are planning.
Changes Reality: We, as well as June and Percival, assume that the revenge is based on the previous capture of a criminal by either June or Percival. When we discover that it is all about revenge for what is perceived as bad advice, it sets up both of our sleuths as very human and very fallible.
Beginning: When her father passed away, her mother wrote to Aunt Lily to ask how to help her daughter. Aunt Lily suggests getting away on a holiday. On the holiday her mother meets a man and they marry.
Inciting Incident: She is sent to boarding school because her mother travels with her new husband.
Turning Point 1: She strives to be accepted at the boarding school, but isn’t. Instead she is bullied. She writes to Aunt Lily to ask what to do. Aunt Lily tells her to fight back.
Act 2: When she fights back, she is expelled from school. Her mother has to fly home to pick her up. The plane crashes and her mother is killed. Distraught, she blames Aunt Lily.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: 20 years later, she accidently discovers Aunt Lily’s real identity and decides to kill Aunt Lily. She hatches a plan and puts it in motion.
Act 3: She murders the physical therapist at Shady Acres in order to get close to Aunt Lily and set her plan into action.
Turning Point 3: She quietly sets up her web and is ready to snare Aunt Lily when she discovers that keeping Aunt lily alive but having him spend the rest of his life in jail would be more satisfying, she changes her plan and sets her sights on killing June and framing Percival for the death.
Act 4 Climax: She sees through June and Percival’s plan to expose her and takes advantage of their scheme to kill June.
Resolution: She doesn’t bank on June and Percival discovering who she is and what she is doing until it is too late. She is captured and arrested for murder.
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Jane’s Character Structure
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I totally discovered the story for my real antagonist – the killer. I also discovered that I have a little “Pride and Prejudice” going on her between June and Percival. Nothing romantic but his problem is pride and her problem is prejudice! I also discovered how useful previous work has been in helping me continue to create this story.
June Marvel
Beginning: June moves into Shady Acres, a rehabilitation center, to recover from a hip replacement surgery.
Inciting Incident: The famous detective Percival Heriot is also staying in the center. He incites June’s fury and she challenges him to a contest to see if he can solve a crime that she comes up with. He challenges her to the same contest and they are off and running.
Turning Point 1: The body of the center’s physical therapist is discovered. She has been murdered.
Act 2: June believes that Percival’s “crime” has gone terribly wrong. She accuses him of murder and sets out to prove he did it.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: June follows Percival to an ancient ice house on the grounds. They are locked in and barely escape with their lives. During their escape, June is nearly killed as she saves Percival. It is clear that someone is trying to kill them both.
Act 3: With the knowledge that someone wants them both dead, June must put aside her prejudice against Percival and work with him to find the killer. As she begins working with him, she discovers he has a secret.
Turning Point 3: Their plan is to fake June’s death, with the idea that the killer will expose himself when her “death” is discovered. June is finally getting a chance to play an active role in catching a criminal rather than just knitting and observing. She is ecstatic!
Act 4 Climax: The killer knows that June is not actually dead and takes the opportunity to attempt to kill her. In a fight for her life and Percival’s, June turns the tables and traps the killer.
Resolution: June has finally become the action hero she’s always dreamed of becoming. Knowing that she can take tough action and be recognized for it, she now goes back to the comfortable life of knitting and observing human nature. But, she could take action again anytime.
Percival Heriot
Beginning: After solving a very public murder, Percival is exhausted and checks into Shady Acres for a month of TLC.
Inciting Incident: He finds the idea of mild June Marvel solving a crime that he creates laughable. But when she easily discovers the theft of a diamond ring faster than he does, he takes the competition seriously and recruits some of the staff, including the center’s physical therapist, to help him.
Turning Point 1: The physical therapist is found dead, with evidence that links her to Percival as his accomplice.
Act 2: Suspicion turns to Percival and he decides that he must find the killer or be arrested for murder.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Percival follows the clues to an ancient ice house, unaware that June is on his tail. As the ice house fills with carbon monoxide, Percival is rescued by June. As they make their escape, the ice house falls down around them and they barely escape with their lives.
Act 3: With the knowledge that someone wants them both dead, Percival must put aside his pride and work with June to find the killer.
Turning Point 3: For the first time in a very long time, Percival is part of a team, not working alone. But he has trouble adapting and, because of this, their plan and June’s life is now in deep peril. Can his “little grey cells” work fast enough to expose the killer?
Act 4 Climax: Percival realizes who the killer is and why they want him to go to jail for murdering June. It’s not about an old case. It’s about his moonlighting job as Aunt Lily. He can’t use his usual “denouement in library” method of exposing the killer. He must resort to using June’s plan and he must stick to it or she will die and he will go to prison for her murder.
Resolution: June’s fast action and his ability to adapt to something new in a pinch saves the day. He discovers that he likes working with June and that she is the one person he knows he can trust with his deepest secret.
Murderer
Beginning: When her father passed away, her mother wrote to Aunt Lily to ask how to help her daughter. Aunt Lily suggests getting away on a holiday. On the holiday her mother meets a man and they marry.
Inciting Incident: She is sent to boarding school because her mother travels with her new husband.
Turning Point 1: She strives to be accepted at the boarding school, but isn’t. Instead she is bullied. She writes to Aunt Lily to ask what to do. Aunt Lily tells her to fight back.
Act 2: When she fights back, she is expelled from school. Her mother has to fly home to pick her up. The plane crashes and her mother is killed. Distraught, she blames Aunt Lily.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: 20 years later, she accidently discovers Aunt Lily’s real identity and decides to kill Aunt Lily. She hatches a plan and puts it in motion.
Act 3: She murders the physical therapist at Shady Acres in order to get close to Aunt Lily and set her plan into action.
Turning Point 3: She quietly sets up her web and is ready to snare Aunt Lily when she discovers that keeping Aunt lily alive but having him spend the rest of his life in jail would be more satisfying, she changes her plan and sets her sights on killing June and framing Percival for the death.
Act 4 Climax: She sees through June and Percival’s plan to expose her and takes advantage of their scheme to kill June.
Resolution: She doesn’t bank on June and Percival discovering who she is and what she is doing until it is too late. She is captured and arrested for murder.
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Jane’s Supporting Characters
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to flesh out the world that this story will happen in. It has to be isolated but also have enough people inhabit the world in order to have a healthy number of suspects, and a few potential murder victims. This was fun!
Supporting Characters: In any good tea cozy who-done-it, the detective always has a sounding board confidant as well as a cadre of suspicious characters whose secrets have to be uncovered. As such, there will be about 4 – 6 supporting characters who have secrets that may or may not involve murder. There are usually at least two to three red herrings that derail the sleuths.
Background Characters: Other residents at Shady Acres; Shady Acres staff including chef, nurses, delivery folks and maids. Rich lady whose pearls are stolen. An annoying American who want to be friends with everyone. A police detective in charge of the death who will conclude that the death is a result of a very sad accident, not murder. Members of the Shady Acres Darts Team.
Support 1: Name: TBD
Role: Murderer
Main purpose: The primary antagonist for our two sleuths.
Value: Provides a foe that forces June and Percival to work together to stop another murder.
Support 2: Name: TBD
Role: Physical Therapist at Shady Acres
Main purpose: To be murdered
Value: Provides the catalyst for the mystery
Support 3: Name: TBD
Role: June’s niece
Main purpose: Friend and confidant
Value: Provides June with a link to the outside world and Scotland Yard
Support 4: Name: TBD
Role: The Major – elderly military man recuperating at Shady Acres
Main purpose: To be Percival’s friend but held at arms length and have a hidden past
Value: Provide a red herring
Support 5: Name: TBD
Role: Dotty lady living at Shady Acres
Main purpose: To be a victim of crime as well as a suspect
Value: Provide a red herring
Support 6: Name: TBD
Role: Elderly neighbors of Shady Acres who constantly get in the way
Main purpose: To throw June and Percival off the track of the real murderer
Value: Provide a red herring
Support 7: Name: TBD
Role: Gardener
Main purpose: A suspect
Value: Provide a red herring; provide access to poisons
Support 8: Name: TBD
Role: Shady Acres Administrator
Main purpose: A suspect
Value: Provides barriers to June and Percival’s investigation; hiding something
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Jane’s Character Profiles, Part 2
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I felt I was able to flesh out these characters in ways that keep them true to their iconic selves yet find ways that turn the tables on them a bit and allow us to see another side of them. It will be fun to see how these profiles play out in a comedic way. Ideas are already brewing!
Character Name: June Marvel
High Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Journey: Goes from quiet but bitter amateur sleuth to using all of her mental and physical powers to not only solve a murder, but save her own life and Percival’s too.
Actor Attractors: Biting wit – great dialogue; chance to parody a well-loved character; fun action sequences that show both physicality and mental prowess. She’s the bomb!
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for Percival Heriot
Age range and Description: A spinster in her early seventies recovering from hip surgery and not happy about it – or anything else.
Core Traits: Fed up; a dreamer; perceptive; cunning.
Wants: To win her challenge with Percival.
Needs: To feel her life and work are validated by others.
Wound: Nearly lost her life as she worked to help Scotland Yard catch a serial killer but never received any recognition.
Likeability (Protagonist): June has dreams and a plan for making them come true.
Relatability (Protagonist): June feels stuck in a life she no longer thinks she wants.
Empathy (Protagonist): June has always been misjudged because she is a polite, quiet woman.
Likeability (Antagonist): June isn’t afraid to challenge Percival.
Relatability (Antagonist): Percival’s ego gets on our nerves too.
Empathy (Antagonist): June is made to feel less of a sleuth and so she challenges.
Character Subtext: Secretly longs for adventure and glory.
Character Intrigue: Hidden Agenda: June intends to “disappear” from the home and start a new, more adventurous life.
Competition: June openly challenges Percival to a competition.
Secret: June knows that she has untapped abilities in solving mysteries; much more than just a knowledge of human nature.
Secret Identity: June secretly believes herself to be Beryl Markham’s daughter.
Flaw: Does not recognize that others do admire her, is mean to others when she feels she is not good enough.
Values: Duty, Honesty
Character Dilemma: The need for recognition versus the need to keep others safe.
Character Name: Percival Heriot
High Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Journey: Goes from being egocentric and lonely to team player and part of something bigger than himself.
Actor Attractors: Bigger than life character that hides a secret identity; a new spin on an iconic detective; breadth of emotional journey.
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for June Marvel
Age range and Description: An early to mid-seventies obsessive/compulsive bachelor with a mind to match the fastest computer logic and an aversion to living a “normal, quiet life.”
Core Traits: Egocentric; abnormally intelligent; observant; competitive.
Wants: To win the challenge with June.
Needs: The spotlight to shine brightly on him.
Wound: Being bullied in his youth keeps him from being able to stand aside for someone else.
Likeability (Protagonist): Percival’s intelligence and reasoning is amazing.
Relatability (Protagonist): Percival is lonely.
Empathy (Protagonist): Percival sees solutions clearly but is not always listened to.
Likeability (Antagonist): Is ego is laughable and he is not always right.
Relatability (Antagonist): He doesn’t see why he needs to be challenged.
Empathy (Antagonist): His confidence belies an insecurity.
Character Subtext: Was bullied throughout his entire childhood and youth.
Character Intrigue: Secret: Percival is terrified on growing old and being cast aside – of being “normal.”
Competition: Percival openly accepts June’s challenge.
Deception: Percival manipulates people in order to remain in the spotlight.
Secret Identity: Percival moonlights as Aunt Lily, an online “affairs of the heart” columnist.
Flaw: Overly confident in his own abilities.
Values: Justice.
Character Dilemma: His need to be forever in the spotlight versus his need to be loved and accepted.
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Jane’s Character Profiles, Part 1
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to solidify the thoughts I’ve had regarding who these two people are underneath their roles as iconic, well-known detectives. As a parody of this genre, I have to keep all that they are known for by Agatha Christie fans while also playing their subtexts as totally opposite. I think this will make a much more interesting film than just magnifying their already well-known attributes.
Character Name: June Marvel
High Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Journey: Goes from quiet but bitter amateur sleuth to using all of her mental and physical powers to not only solve a murder, but save her own life and Percival’s too.
Actor Attractors: Biting wit – great dialogue; chance to parody a well-loved character; fun action sequences that show both physicality and mental prowess. She’s the bomb!
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for Percival Heriot
Age range and Description: A spinster in her early seventies recovering from hip surgery and not happy about it – or anything else.
Core Traits: Fed up; a dreamer; perceptive; cunning.
Wants: To win her challenge with Percival.
Needs: To feel her life and work are validated by others.
Wound: Nearly lost her life as she worked to help Scotland Yard catch a serial killer but never received any recognition.
Likeability (Protagonist): June has dreams and a plan for making them come true.
Relatability (Protagonist): June feels stuck in a life she no longer thinks she wants.
Empathy (Protagonist): June has always been misjudged because she is a polite, quiet woman.
Likeability (Antagonist): June isn’t afraid to challenge Percival.
Relatability (Antagonist): Percival’s ego gets on our nerves too.
Empathy (Antagonist): June is made to feel less of a sleuth and so she challenges.
Character Name: Percival Heriot
High Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Journey: Goes from being egocentric and lonely to team player and part of something bigger than himself.
Actor Attractors: Bigger than life character that hides a secret identity; a new spin on an iconic detective; breadth of emotional journey.
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for June Marvel
Age range and Description: An early to mid-seventies obsessive/compulsive bachelor with a mind to match the fastest computer logic and an aversion to living a “normal, quiet life.”
Core Traits: Egocentric; abnormally intelligent; observant; competitive.
Wants: To win the challenge with June.
Needs: The spotlight to shine brightly on him.
Wound: Being bullied in his youth keeps him from being able to stand aside for someone else.
Likeability (Protagonist): Percival’s intelligence and reasoning is amazing.
Relatability (Protagonist): Percival is lonely.
Empathy (Protagonist): Percival sees solutions clearly but is not always listened to.
Likeability (Antagonist): Is ego is laughable and he is not always right.
Relatability (Antagonist): He doesn’t see why he needs to be challenged.
Empathy (Antagonist): His confidence belies an insecurity.
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Jane’s Likeability/Relatability/Empathy
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned that by thinking about the character’s roles, a lot of various nuances can be discovered and built on. It’s interesting too that my main characters are both protagonist and each other’s antagonist. I will most like find myself back here doing this exercise for the actual antagonist, the murderer.
Character Name: June Marvel
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for Percival Heriot
Likeability (Protagonist): June has dreams and a plan for making them come true.
Relatability (Protagonist): June feels stuck in a life she no longer thinks she wants.
Empathy (Protagonist): June has always been misjudged because she is a polite, quiet woman.
Likeability (Antagonist): June isn’t afraid to challenge Percival.
Relatability (Antagonist): Percival’s ego gets on our nerves too.
Empathy (Antagonist): June is made to feel less of a sleuth and so she challenges.
Character Name: Percival Heriot
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for June Marvel
Likeability (Protagonist): Percival’s intelligence and reasoning is amazing.
Relatability (Protagonist): Percival is lonely.
Empathy (Protagonist): Percival sees solutions clearly but is not always listened to.
Likeability (Antagonist): Is ego is laughable and he is not always right.
Relatability (Antagonist): He doesn’t see why he needs to be challenged.
Empathy (Antagonist): His confidence belies an insecurity.
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Jane’s Character Intrigue
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I allowed myself to imagine these two characters 180 degrees from what we know about them. June is antsy, dissatisfied with her calm life and dull routine, even if it is punctuated by murders most foul. Percival fears no being relevant more than anything else in the world. He’s willing to cheat to win. He’s also trying a new career, one that he is absolutely not suited for but feels that he is. And this leads to the twist in the tale!! I wouldn’t have come up with these ideas without doing this assignment.
Character Name: June Marvel
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for Percival Heriot
Hidden Agenda: June intends to “disappear” from the home and start a new, more adventurous life.
Competition: June openly challenges Percival to a competition.
Secret: June knows that she has untapped abilities in solving mysteries; much more than just a knowledge of human nature.
Secret Identity: June secretly believes herself to be Beryl Markham’s daughter.
Hidden Agenda: June’s plans to leave the rehabilitation home and start a new life get tangled up with the crime she has committed that Percival must solve. Instead of solving the crime, he exposes her plan.
Secret: When June and Percival are pursued by the killer, it is June that is able to rely on her knowledge of medieval architecture to find the hidden passage to freedom. It does however, take busting down a wall.
Secret Identity: June’s “unsolvable crime” that she taxes Percival with involves proving that Beryl Markham had a daughter and that she is her!
Character Name: Percival Heriot
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist for June Marvel
Secret: Percival is terrified on growing old and being cast aside – of being “normal.”
Competition: Percival openly accepts June’s challenge.
Deception: Percival manipulates people in order to remain in the spotlight.
Secret Identity: Percival moonlights as Aunt Lily, an online “affairs of the heart” columnist.
Secret: Percival magnifies his role in finding one of the resident’s lost jewelry, even though she had absentmindedly forgot to put it away.
Deception: Percival manipulates his sidekick, General Clutterbuck to alter the “crime” he has created for June to solve in order to guarantee that June will lose the competition.
Secret Identity: In the wee hours of the morning, Percival answers questions from his Aunt Lily fan base. The Aunt Lily persona is the catalyst for the real killers motivations.
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Jane’s Subtext Characters
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned just how instructional it is to have a film to examine that so closely aligns with my project. It’s fun to take these assignments and examine SHERLOCK HOLMES with them.
Movie Title: SHERLOCK HOLMES
Character Name: Sherlock Holmes
Subtext Identity: Does not want to be alone
Subtext Trait: Tries to ruin friend’s relationships with others
Subtext Logline: Sherlock Holmes tries to ruin his best friend’s engagement in order to avoid being left alone.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Throughout the first and second Acts, Holmes tries to turn Watson against Mary by telling him both truths and lies. He is also rude to Mary and commandeers Watson to help him every chance he gets, whether he needs his help or not. He also plays on Watson’s feeling of responsibility for his (Holmes) safety as well as Watson’s natural enjoyment of adventure.
Character Name: June Marvel
Subtext Identity: Secretly longs for adventure and glory
Subtext Trait: Puts down others when they talk about their adventures.
Subtext Logline: June Marvel has always longed for adventure and glory that her quiet life never allowed. When others talk about their own adventures, she is quick to downplay their experience down.
Possible Areas of Subtext:
Actions – read thrilling adventures and daydreams that the hero is her; incensed at the very presence of Percival Heriot; Can’t take it any longer, challenges him to a competition to solve a crime that she has committed and is ready to solve the crime he commits for her to solve. Rises to the challenge when she realizes she is the target of a killer.
Dialogue – Cutting to others in a sweet way.
Character Name: Percival Heriot
Subtext Identity: Was bullied throughout his entire childhood and youth.
Subtext Trait: Cannot let anyone else win or have the spotlight.
Subtext Logline: Percival Heriot not only likes the spotlight, he needs it in order to feel safe. After all, no one can hurt him when the light is shining brightly on him.
Possible Areas of Subtext:
Actions – shares stories, even when no one is listening; takes charge when there is nothing to take charge of; assumes he can easily outwit June in this or any competition.
Dialogue – Tends to start every sentence and end every sentence with “I” or “me.”
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Jane’s Actor Attractors
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned how much I know about these characters but also how much more there is to explore. This assignment helped me think about what can be created for characters are so engrained in our culture that can shed new light on them while also remaining true to their core that has made them such beloved characters for so many people. I learned that there’s a lot to discover and what I come up with will be very appealing to talent, producers, directors and audience members. Strangely, I feel in a very comfortable space with this project. These two characters have been with me most of my life. It’s nice to imagine another side of them!
Title: NOT A CLUE!
Lead Character Name: June Marvel
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? The role is a twist on Agatha Christie’s Miss Jane Marple, an iconic character who is known for great insight into the human heart as she quietly solves mysteries. In this iteration, the character has more than few blind spots that keep her from picking up on even the most obvious clues.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? She is the main antagonist for the other Protagonist/Antagonist who is based on Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot, another great iconic sleuth. She is one half of a “battle of the sexes” as she commits a crime to stump her foe, only to wind up the target of a murderer.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? She commits an unsolvable crime while recuperating from a hip replacement. She allows herself to be “murdered” in order to catch a killer.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? Her arrival at the assisted living home reveals her to be bitchy, with a biting wit, under the guise of a sweet little old lady.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range? From sarcastically biting and calculating to wounded pride to compassionate and very brave – all while trying to best her opponent.
6. What subtext can the actor play? While she has always led a quiet life, she longs for adventure and action and the limelight. When it comes to her, she finds she’s damn good at it but doesn’t really need it.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? June’s relationship with Percival – they are adversaries and teammates at the same time.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? Her prim, lady-like manner contrasts with her willingness to fight dirty and take physical action when things heat up and she has to fight back.
9. What could make this character special and unique? The twist on a character we all think we know.
Lead Character Name: Percival Heriot
Role: Protagonist/Antagonist
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? The role is a twist on Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot, an iconic character who is known for solving murders through use of his superior mind. In this iteration, the character’s mind is so bombastic and self-assured that crime happens right under his nose and he doesn’t know.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He is the main antagonist for the other Protagonist/Antagonist who is based on Agatha Christie’s Jane Marple, another great iconic sleuth. He is the second half of a “battle of the sexes” as he commits a crime to stump his foe, only to wind up being set up to take the blame for her murder.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? He assumes that no one can outwit him. The crime he commits is easily solved but actually plays into the broader scheme of the real murderer. He’s easily used and doesn’t know it until it is almost too late.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? During his first meal at the assisted living facility, he attempts to amaze everyone at the table only to reveal how much about regular life he doesn’t know.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range? From self-assured and vain to sneaky to something like self-sacrifice for a friend.
6. What subtext can the actor play? His life in the spotlight makes it nearly impossible for him to exist as an ordinary person. He decides to write his autobiography but it comes out to 5 ½ pages of riveting drama.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? Percival’s relationship with June – they are adversaries and teammates at the same time.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? His refined, self-confidence contrasts to his absolute confusion over the very act of living a quiet, normal life.
9. What could make this character special and unique? The twist on a character we all think we know.
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Jane’s Actor Attractors for Sherlock Holmes
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I learned how to really pinpoint specific things that would draw talent to my story. I am now going to do this same exercise for a romantic comedy I’m currently rewriting. This is great groundwork for creating a character that resonates with an audience as well as the team that brings the script to life.
Movie Title: Sherlock Holmes
Lead Character Name: Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? The character of Sherlock Holmes is iconic. This film takes the character and shows us another side, one that is a bit bumbling, self-centered and needy. It makes an iconic character funny and human while still remaining the hero. Who wouldn’t want to play this role?
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? The title says it all, it’s about Sherlock Holmes. The focus is not one of his cases, although there is a mystery to solve, but rather him as a person, with all of his quirks magnified. Not exactly the way we’re used to experiencing a character that has always been larger than life.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? While this is an action/comedy/thriller, the most interesting actions (at least for me) are the actions he takes to try and keep John Watson from being with Mary. These actions are shockingly selfish and childish. Not what we expect form a super-sleuth. And, it makes him very funny.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? The opening scenes include Holmes running like mad through the streets of London. Watson follows in a cab and seems disgruntled. Holmes runs into an old, abandoned church. The cab stops, Watson steps out and enters the church. Holmes dashes through the building and down into the crypt. There he watches a macabre scene of a robed figure preparing to sacrifice a young woman on an alter. Watson silently joins Holmes and says “You forgot your pistol.” Holmes replies “I knew I was missing something.”
This scene encapsulates the entire movie – one character brave and brilliant but not very careful, totally needing someone to watch over him. The other character measured, calm – the babysitter. It’s a chance to play two iconic characters with a twist that is fun and entertaining to watch and, I would imagine, to play.
5. What is this character’s emotional range? Sherlock Holmes is often understood as not having any emotion, only reason. This version of Holmes is fraught with emotion. He’s jealous. He’s caring. He makes mistakes that he can’t own up to. This humanity makes him funny. Unlike another movie (MR. HOLMES) that attempts to make Sherlock Holmes seem more human, it is a drama and while a lovely film, does not have the fun factor that this one does. This one shows emotions that are more like a spoiled little boy which just comes across as funny when it is played against a brilliant mind.
6. What subtext can the actor play? The needy little boy and the dash of unrequited love as Irene comes into the film provides huge opportunity for dialogue and action that has nothing to do with solving the mystery. He continually bungles his clever (not so much) attempts to part Watson from Mary which allow for subtext regarding his need to have Watson all to himself. It also shows that, like many of us, he doesn’t do well with change.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His most interesting relationship is with John Watson. It is interesting because the tables are turned on what we are used to seeing as the Holmes/Watson relationship, where Holmes is brilliant but somewhat omnipotent and Watson scurries behind being amazed. Here, Watson just wants to marry Mary and live a quiet life. Holmes works really hard at trying to convince him otherwise.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? The funny and great thing about unique voice with this version of Sherlock Holmes is that of his rightness, even when he is dead wrong. There’s surety and confidence in everything he says and throughout the film, this leads both him and Watson into danger.
9. What makes this character special and unique? This version of Sherlock is meant to be funny. We laugh at him and his mistakes. This is a unique and special take on an iconic character.
10. Scene: In addition to the opening scenes, the scene where Holmes joins Watson and Mary in a restaurant for a meal. Holmes proceeds to “expose” Mary as a possible divorcee among other shocking things that he feels will turn Watson against her. The scene culminates with Mary throwing a glass of wine in Holmes face and storming out. Watson tells Holmes that he already knows all about Mary’s past and, for his information, Mary is not a divorcee. She’s a widow. Watson leaves. Holmes decides that he could have been right and proceeds to eat his meal alone.
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Jane’s Genre Conventions
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I began to sort out some of the complexities of doing a parody of a much loved genre. My plan is to create the murder mystery thriller and then go back over it to wash it with parody and humor. Have no idea if that’s a good plan or not, but there it is. This assignment was helpful in getting me to start thinking about serious situations that can be twisted to be funny without stopping the actual story or interfering with the puzzle, which is the heart of all tea cozy mysteries. A very fun task indeed!
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Genre: Parody of a Tea-Cozy Murder Mystery
Conventions for a Tea-Cozy Murder Mystery (Thriller):
– Plot Twists
– Danger
– Suspense builds
– Hero – everyday person with extra abilities to follow the clues; abilities tested to the max.
– Villain – everyday person with devious and hidden motivations
– Idyllic settings hide awful truths; nothing is what it seems
– Red herrings
– Everyone has a motive; likable people with dark secrets
Conventions for a Comedy (Parody):
– Unconventional pairings of characters
– Incongruent
– Situation is funny
– Absurd situation
– Misinterpretation
– Protagonists trigger amusing situations through their perspectives, choices and reactions.
(Lesson 6 Changes in Bold)
Act 1:
Opening – June Marvel, convalescing after hip surgery at Shady Acres Nursing Center, discovers that the blow hard detective Percival Heriot is moving in for a month to attempt lifestyle changes for a heart condition. She considers him a blowhard. He thinks of her as a groupie, just trying to get his attention. They do not get along.
Inciting Incident – Tired of Percival’s bragging, June challenges him to a competition. Each must commit a small crime – no one gets hurt and no property is damaged – and the other one must solve it in a weekend. Self-assured, Percival takes the challenge and the competition commences. The staff and rest of the residents place bets and encourage their particular champion. It’s a Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs battle of the sexes!!
Turning Point – Shady Acres physical therapist is found dead. The circumstances point to June and Percival’s competition.
Act 2:
New plan – Each detective believes the other to be responsible for the death and set out to prove that the other’s plan went terribly wrong.
Plan in action – Ignoring what could be important clues, the suspicious behaviors of some of the residents and the shifty dealings of the staff, each detective focuses on the other, determined that they are responsible for the PT’s death.
Midpoint Turning Point – An attempt on Percival’s life that also nearly kills June convinces both that there truly is a murderer at large.
Act 3:
Rethink everything – The detectives must work together to solve they mystery before the murderer can strike again, and kill one or both of them. They go back over all of the clues they have ignored. Which are red herrings? Which aren’t?
New plan – They plan a set up where June will pretend to be dead which will allow Percival to flush out the murderer.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – The murderer knows that June is pretending and takes advantage of the situation to kill her. They’ve followed the wrong clue!! Or have they?
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Believing June is dead, Percival uses her methods of observing human behavior to expose the killer. The very cagey killer turns the tables on Percival and is about to kill him when, June, who is very much alive, stops the killer in their tracks.
Resolution – Over tea, the two sleuths tell the others why and how the murder happened. Residents sigh with relief because, not only has the killer been caught, but their own secrets seem to be safe. June and Percival leave the nursing center at the same time, parting ways as comrades in arms and, maybe, just maybe, friends.
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Jane’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was really able to start putting all sorts of ideas into something a bit more cohesive. And, I also discovered who my murderer is!!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Main Conflict: While two world-class sleuths bicker and compete over who is the best detective, a murder most foul occurs. Blamed for letting this happen, the two sleuths must work together to find the murderer or one of them will be the next one to die.
June Marvel:
Old Ways: – Always observing from the outside
– Insists on being right; intolerant of being questioned
– Is judgmental in a very kindly way
– Refuses to be vulnerable
New Ways: – Excited to be directly in the scrum of the case
– Okay with being wrong
– Empathetic
– Accepting that other methods of catching criminals work too, including making herself vulnerable
Percival Heriot:
Old Ways: – Completely dependent on his own cerebral power and reasoning
– Vain; only he has the right answer
– Intolerant
– Obsessive/Compulsive
New Ways: – Willing to be wrong
– A bit more tolerant of other people’s untidiness
– Appreciates knowledge of the human heart as a way of reasoning
– Willing to work as a team
Act 1:
Opening – June Marvel, convalescing at a nursing center after hip surgery, discovers that the blow hard detective Percival Heriot is moving in for a month to attempt lifestyle changes for a heart condition. They do not get along.
Inciting Incident – Tired of Percival’s bragging, June challenges him to a competition. Each must commit a small crime – no one gets hurt and no property is damaged – and the other one must solve it in a weekend. Self-assured, Percival takes the challenge and the competition commences.
Turning Point – The nursing center’s physical therapist is murdered.
Act 2:
New plan – Each detective believes the other to be responsible for the death and set out to prove that the other’s plan went terribly wrong.
Plan in action – Ignoring what could be important clues, each detective focuses on the other.
Midpoint Turning Point – An attempt on Percival’s life that also nearly kills June convinces both that there truly is a murderer at large.
Act 3:
Rethink everything – The detectives must work together to solve they mystery before the murderer can strike again, and kill one or both of them.
New plan – They plan a set up where June will pretend to be dead which will allow Percival to flush out the murderer.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – The murderer knows that June isn’t dead and takes advantage of the situation to kill her.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Believing June is dead, Percival uses her methods of observing human behavior to expose the killer.
Resolution – June has outwitted both Percival and the murderer and is very much alive. Both leave the nursing center at the same time, parting ways as comrades in arms and, maybe, just maybe, friends.
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Jane’s Subtext Plot
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I discovered how much I actually know about this story already. I’ve been mulling over a lot of details about it and trying to stop doing that because I really want to create, as Hal says “Something from nothing.” But in doing this assignment, I realize how much of the story structure I do actually have worked out (well, somewhat worked out).
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
My 2 subtext plots are:
Layering
Competitive Agendas
Layering will play out as we perceive that the story is about a battle of the sexes between two great detectives, only to discover that they are the intended victims of a murderer. There will be clues along the way that let us know that something is amiss. However, because we’re so focused (as are the characters) on the competition between the two detectives, we won’t recognize the clues.
Competitive Agendas will play out in two ways. The first is the challenge that June Marvel gives to Percival Heriot – each will create a crime that the other must solve within a given amount of time. The only rules are no one gets hurt and no property is damaged. The second is when a murder actually happens. Did one of the detectives go to far? Did their crime get out of hand? Or, is something else afoot? Now we have a third character, the murderer, who has their own agenda that is definitely not that of either detective.
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Jane’s Transformational Journey
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment, I began to think more seriously about what my job is with this story. It’s a parody of a much-loved genre with beloved characters. So my task is to stay true to the characters while also making it fun. This exercise got me thinking about what Hercule Poirot’s life and Jane Marple’s life is like when they aren’t involved in solving a crime. I feel like that is a good place to start in finding out who these two characters are. Then all I have to do is try to kill them!
Protagonist: June Marvel
Arc Beginning: Armchair sleuth who cracks cases by mere observation of people’s behavior
Arc Ending: Active participant in solving mysteries through a variety of methods.
Internal Journey: From resentful adversary to tolerant friend.
External Journey: From solving crime from the sidelines to active participation in catching a murder
Old Ways: – Always observing from the outside
– Insists on being right; intolerant of being questioned
– Is judgmental in a very kindly way
– Refuses to be vulnerable
New Ways: – Excited to be directly in the scrum of the case
– Okay with being wrong
– Empathetic
– Accepting that other methods of catching criminals work too, including making herself vulnerable
Protagonist: Percival Heriot
Arc Beginning: World re-knowned detective who believes his own publicity.
Arc Ending: Man who appreciates that others have gifts too.
Internal Journey: From vain and singular to part of an extraordinary team
External Journey: From total dependence on his power of reasoning to dependence on another’s approach to the problem.
Old Ways: – Completely dependent on his own cerebral power and reasoning
– Vain; only he has the right answer
– Intolerant
– Obsessive/Compulsive
New Ways: – Willing to be wrong
– A bit more tolerant of other people’s untidiness
– Appreciates knowledge of the human heart as a way of reasoning
– Willing to work as a team
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Jane’s Intentional Lead Characters
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment, I learned how to think about a “buddy” movie and what roles the two main characters have. They each have equal weight in the story which confused me. Although because I really hadn’t thought much about the character roles, I didn’t understand how confused I would get! This exercise revealed that to me and then had me think about the characters as being both Protagonist and Antagonist, with then a major Antagonist in the Triangle Character to counter-act them both. I’m not sure how, but I think this is going to come in very handy as this story develops.
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Protagonist: June Marvel
Logline: A Miss Marple-like character who competes with another great detective to prove she is the better sleuth, only to discover that she is the target of a murderer.
Unique: June is the antagonist for the other great detective.
Antagonist: June Marvel
Logline: A Miss Marple-like character believes she is the better detective.
Unique: She is hell bent on proving that knowledge of the human heart is more likely to solve a mystery than “the little grey cells.”
Protagonist: Percival Heriot
Logline: A Poirot-like character who competes with another great detective to prove he is the better sleuth, only to discover that she is the target of a murderer.
Unique: Percival is the antagonist for the other great detective.
Antagonist: Percival Heriot
Logline: A Poirot-like character believes that he is the world’s greatest detective.
Unique: He dismisses any other approach to a mystery other than his own brilliance.
Triangle Character: TBD
Logline: Seeking revenge, this person sets up the two detectives to be utterly destroyed.
Unique: Both detectives know this person.
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MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment, I learned to think about character relationships in a very broad way. The Character Structures are very simple and I sometimes find myself delving into details too soon. This is a nice way of seeing my characters at the 30,000 foot level.
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Character Structure: Rom-Com/Buddy Movie with Two Characters Owning the Story.
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Hello everyone,
My name is Jane Turville and this class will be my 5th ScreenwritingU class. I’ve written 9 feature length scripts, 5 short scripts (which I produced) and 1 pilot script for a television series. I’m very excited to be part of this class. In a few of my other classes, I’ve breezed over some of the concepts in the lessons in order to keep up. My goal with this class is to make enough time in my schedule to actually apply the concepts and learn from them. I’ve spent the last two months trying to complete other projects so that I can dedicate energy to digging deeper into ways I can make my writing better. The lessons Hal and Cheryl present are wonderful and I want to take more time and have more focus for each of them. Plus, I’m excited to try writing a script starting with a pitch, instead of working on the pitch after the script is written.
I’m looking forward to getting to know all of you better and working together to create wonderful, saleable scripts!
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Jane Turville
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of Writing Incredible Movies, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi all,
After getting feedback last week, here’s my second whack at a pitch. Would love to get your feedback if you have time. Also, still looking for someone who would like to trade scripts for feedback. Let me know if you’re interested.
Here goes ….
THIRTEEN WEEKS
1 hour Mystery Thriller – Serial
Series Concept: Four misfit teens put their lives on the line to take down an international human trafficking ring.
Summary – Season 1:
A dog runs down a peaceful hiking trail carrying a human foot.
Jodie, Susie, Miguel and Lucas each have their own reason for taking a summer job at the beautiful Palula Falls lodge – and it isn’t to work in nature. Convinced that a human trafficking ring stole her newborn baby, Susie has tracked the ring to Palula Falls. She drags the other three into a web of lies and betrayal as they delve into what happens at the lodge when the summer season is over. The deeper they dig, the more evidence they find that the sleepy lodge is a hub for a human trafficking ring who, in the off season, “process” human cargo there.
Then Susie kills one of the ringleaders.
The body has got to be disposed of without alerting either the law or the ring. If they are going to save themselves and get away with murder, they have to find how deep and where the ring’s tentacles reach and shine the murder on the ring. THE FUGITIVE meets RIVERDALE as the four embark on a perilous game of cat and mouse to stop the flow of human cargo, stay one step ahead of the law and outwit the posse of ring members determined to kill them at any cost.
Episode Structure – Season 1: Each episode tells the story of one week at the lodge. Episode 1’s teaser happens during Week 12 of their time at the lodge. Episodes 1 – 11 tell the story up to the discovery of the dismembered foot. Episode 12 takes off when the foot is found. The season finale culminates as closely pursued by the ring and the law, the four make a daring escape vowing to bring down the ring. Or die trying.
Bio: Open to writing assignments, J.C.
Turville is the author of 7 award-winning screenplays. -
Hi all,
Don’t worry Molly, you’re not the only one coming in under the wire! Here’s my sorry attempt at a pitch. I’m open to any and all ideas for making it come across more thrilling!!
Also I want to apologize to all of you as you’ve probably not heard anything from me in the forum. Somehow, just a Module 2 started, I got deleted from the forum. Luckily, I still received the lessons and assignments by email, but I’ve only just been able to access the forum for this class again. I feel bad that I’ve missed most of the class discussions.
My pilot is complete and so if anyone is interested in swapping pilots for feedback, I would love to hear from you. That said, here’s my whack at a pitch:
THIRTEEN WEEKS
1 hour Mystery Thriller – Serial
Concept: A 17-year-old loner’s covert plan to kidnap her sister is sidelined when she discovers the mountain lodge she works at is base camp for a human trafficking ring.
Summary:
Jodie Walker has the false ID’s and enough stolen money to get them across state lines.
Her plan is almost ready to launch. Just one more task to do. Get her father’s signature. He’s a wilderness recluse so she will take a 13-week summer job at Palula Lodge in order to find him.
Then Susie shows up.
Mercurial and seemingly omnipotent, Susie is on her own mission – a dangerous one. An accomplished manipulator, Susie drags Jodie into a web of lies and betrayal as they delve into what happens at the lodge when the summer season is over. The further they investigate, they more evidence they find that the sleepy lodge is a hub for a human trafficking ring who, in the off season, “process” human cargo.
When no one is who they appear to be, who can be trusted?
As Jodie and Susie, with the help of two other misfits – Miguel and Lucas – uncover the dark secrets of the lodge staff, the lines blur between good and evil. Deceit, cover-ups, double crosses and murder – just how deep into the community do the ring’s tentacles reach? The bigger question – how far are Jodie and Susie willing to go to bring down the ring.
Episode Structure: Representing one week per episode, each episode builds on the previous week’s story as the loner and her three misfit friends engage in a cat and mouse game with human traffickers, the local law and each other.
Bio: Open to writing assignments, J.C. Turville
is the author of 7 award-winning screenplays. -
Jane’s World and Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is that the characters are essential to understanding the plot but that it will be critical for me to really understand them. I have a lot of mental work to do to actually devise each of their MIS situations as right now, they are all very flat characters in my mind. I’m looking forward to building them into real people!
1. Two unwitting protagonists, Carol and Theo, come to an exotic location to rekindle their fading marriage. They meet Bruce and Helen, two archeologists taking a break from the grind of their work. Their meeting launches a dangerous cat and mouse game as priceless artifacts are stolen, as are identities. Who is the villain? Who is using who? How will one couple survive their friendship with the other in this high stakes heist where anyone can be winner or the loser?
Big Mystery: Who are Bruce and Helen? What did they do? Where have they gone?
Big Intrigue: The psychological manipulation of one couple that allows the other couple to get away with murder and art theft.
Big Suspense: Will Carol and Theo kill Bruce and Helen before they can kill them?
2. The intriguing world is the high stakes world of the art and artifact black market.
3. Characters and Descriptions.
Carol – Unsure of whether she wants to be married or not, she’s willing to be on holiday with Max to get away from her high pressure job.
A. What is the mystery of this character? Why is Carol so unwilling to get back together with Theo?
B. What is the suspense of this character? Will Carol be killed?
C. What is the intrigue of this character? Carol is not who she seems to be – why is she really on the island?
Theo – Pursuing “normal,” Theo wants Carol back in order to continue presenting the perfect couple to those he wants to impress, mainly his boss and the board members who hold his future in their hands.
A. What is the mystery of this character? What is so important to him that he will live a false life?
B. What is the suspense of this character? Is Theo a victim or a killer?
C. What is the intrigue of this character? His ability to hide many natures.
Helen – dedicated anthropologist who has a very different idea of success.
A. What is the mystery of this character? Why is Helen really at this dig?
B. What is the suspense of this character? Is Helen a killer?
C. What is the intrigue of this character? She is intensely dedicated, but to what?
Bruce – Psychologist turned archeologist, Helen’s doting husband and chief fundraiser for an important dig on the island. His idea of success may be even more warped than Helen’s.
A. What is the mystery of this character? Who is this guy?
B. What is the suspense of this character? Is Bruce a killer?
C. What is the intrigue of this character? Can he manipulate Carol, Theo and Helen to steal for him?
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What I learned from this assignment is how to combine comedy with the components of a thriller. I’m totally inspired by this movie and hope that my own work can emulate the same experience for audiences, although my characters and situations are quite different.
Title: A SIMPLE FAVOR
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Stephanie, a widow with a son who has a vlogg on cooking and arts and crafts. She does everything perfect but is very unsure of herself.
Dangerous Villain: Emily, mother of Stephanie’s son’s best friend, ruthless and afraid of nothing except having her photo taken. Psycho.
High stakes: Losing children; $4,000,000; Stephanie’s life; Sean’s life.
Life and death situations: Emily shooting Sean; Emily holding Stephanie at gun point; Contacts from Emily when she is supposed to be dead; Bruce chasing Stephanie in a truck; Stephanie’s visit to the bible camp; Stephanie’s visit to Emily’s mother.
This movie is thrilling because it has so many twists and turns. As Stephanie moves closer to both the truth, the higher the risk that she will lose everything. Her character arc is amazing but you’re never really sure that she’s going to triumph over Emily’s evil.
Big Mystery: What has happened to Emily? Is she dead or alive?
Big Intrigue: Emily’s past; Will Stephanie be able to escape Emily’s psychological manipulation?
Big Suspense: If Emily is alive, will she kill Stephanie and Sean?
love this movie because it is the kind of thriller that I enjoy and want to writer. No gore or huge bloodshed, just psychological mayhem that is not only intriguing but fun to experience!
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What I learned from doing this assignment is how powerful MIS is in identifying what kind of thriller/story this will be. I’ve had a basic idea based on a dream I had several weeks ago. Thinking about the MIS that could come from this dream is helping to visualize and feel what the story could be. Pretty exciting!!
Story Conventions
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Carol and Max, married – taking a second honeymoon to save their marriage.
Dangerous Villain: Bruce and Helen, archeologists on holiday with a big secret.
High stakes: Murder; Death by cop; Untold riches; Love
Life and death situations: Mistaken identity; on the run from the police; capturing/killing villains before they are killed.
This story is thrilling because? No one can be trusted, no one is who they say they are, identities are switched, kidnapping/disappearance, artifact theft, hero’s must kill or be killed.
Big Mystery: Who are Bruce and Helen? What did they do? Where have they gone?
Big Intrigue: The psychological manipulation of one couple that allows the other couple to get away with murder and art theft.
Big Suspense: Will Carol and Max kill Bruce and Helen before they can kill them?
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My name is Jane Turville and I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi everyone,
My name is Jane Turville and I’m so glad to be joining you for this exciting adventure! I have written 7 narrative features and numerous short narratives, including those for short films that I’ve made. I have my own film production company which specializes in educational films and films that highlight environmental and social issues and challenges. I have never written a thriller before and so I’m eager to learn the processes that will help me create a great story. For my unique or unusual comment – I’m currently producing and hosting a podcast called THE PEOPLE FACTOR, to focus on the intersection of overpopulation, sustainability and human well-being.
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Hi Leona, I love family scripts and would enjoy reading yours. I have a comedy/mystery if you’re interested in exchanging.
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I’m in the same boat. But the time away resulted in some great insights about the project!
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Congratulations Kevin!!!!
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Hi Eclipse,
Would you like to exchange with me?
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Alex – nice to meet you. I think Gloria is just honing her skills in order to take the world by storm one day!!! As we all are!!!!
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Hi Pat, I’m looking to exchange for feedback. I have loved your concept from the start and would love to read your outline. Here’s the scoop on my project:
Title: Not a Clue!
Concept: In this parody on tea cozy murder mysteries, a Poirot-like character and a Miss Marple-like character compete to prove which of them is the greatest detective only to discover that a murder has happened and that one of them is the next victim.
Genre: Parody of a Tea-Cozy Murder Mystery
If you’re interested in exchanging, please send me an email at jcturville@gmail.com.
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Hi Bobby, I just sent you my outline and the notes I had for your outline. REALLY enjoyed reading your outline. So much action!! It really moves! Let’s keep swapping back and forth when we have to exchange. I’d love to see how your story moves along.
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Hi Bobby, I’d be happy to exchange feedback with you. My project won’t be ready until this evening. If you would like to send me your outline for review, I’m at jcturville@gmail.com. Looking forward to reading!!
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Oh my goodness Hope! I love your concept!!! So excited to see you develop it!
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Hi Leona, thanks for your note. Glad to see you again too. It will be fun to write alongside you and so many other talented folks. Hope that you are well and enjoying life!
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Hi Renee,
Don’t beat yourself up. In my book this is the hardest part of any writing. Talking about it! Your second draft of your pitch is really looking good! Well done!!