[Janeen Johnson]

1. Name – Janeen Johnson
2. How many scripts you’ve written? This will be number 10.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? One of my previous RomCom books turned into a movie that’s better than the book.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’m an ambulance driver in my spare time.

[Janeen Johnson]

Yes, I agree with the terms.

[Janeen Johnson]

Vision: I strive for collaborative success in screenwriting, aiming for financial stability and recognition across diverse genres, supported by travel and a capable manager.

What I learned from this assignment is that the AI generated structure violates the rules of a RomCom by having them admit their attraction for each other — in essence, what should be the climax/resolution — at the Midpoint. I'll be going back to my own way of writing a RomCom's romantic development. Also, this Romance seems to be built on attraction only, not what is required for a lasting love. I wouldn't rely on the current conventions for a RomCom.

Concept: A man and woman with the same last name adopt identical puppies and share the only available rental that allows only one dog per household.
Can they hide the extra pup and their mutual attraction from their landlord who believes them to be siblings?

**Act 1:**

– **Opening:** Madison and Daniel, both single and struggling to find affordable housing, meet while viewing an apartment. There's an instant spark, but they quickly realize they're competing for the same rental.

– **Inciting Incident:** In a desperate move to secure the apartment, they spontaneously decide to pose as siblings, rationalizing that it's the only way they can afford it with the landlord's strict one-dog policy.

– **Turning Point:** Despite their initial hesitation, they decide to go through with the plan and sign the lease, beginning their unusual cohabitation as "brother and sister."

**Act 2:**

– **New Plan:** Madison and Daniel attempt to navigate their newfound living situation, awkwardly adjusting to sharing space while maintaining their sibling facade.

– **Plan in Action:** As they settle into their charade, comedic situations arise as they juggle hiding their puppies and navigating their personal lives. Their bond deepens as they share intimate details and support each other through challenges.

– **Midpoint Turning Point:** During a particularly chaotic day, they accidentally reveal their true feelings for each other in a moment of vulnerability, setting the stage for romantic tension.

**Act 3:**

– **Rethink Everything:** Their landlord, Arsenio, becomes suspicious of their supposed sibling relationship, leading to a series of near-misses and comedic misunderstandings.

– **New Plan:** With their deception on the brink of exposure, Madison and Daniel are forced to confront their growing attraction and the consequences of their lies. They realize they can't keep pretending and must find a way to be together authentically.

– **Turning Point:** Just as they're about to confess their feelings, their secret is accidentally revealed, leading to a dramatic confrontation with Arsenio. Their living arrangement is jeopardized, and they face the possibility of losing each other.

**Act 4:**

– **Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict:** In a heart-to-heart with Arsenio, Madison and Daniel come clean about their feelings for each other, risking everything for love. Arsenio, touched by their honesty, surprises them by offering a compromise that allows them to keep the apartment and their relationship intact.

– **Resolution:** Madison and Daniel embrace their love openly, declaring their commitment to each other. With their puppies by their side, they embark on a new chapter of their lives together, ready to face whatever challenges come their way with humor and love.

[Janeen Johnson]

Vision: I strive for collaborative success in screenwriting, aiming for financial stability and recognition across diverse genres, supported by travel and a capable manager.
What I learned from this assignment is that all of the subtlety, comic situations, and secondary stories I had previously built into my outline is gone when AI takes the helm . I'll be adding those back in but will leave the AI generated version here for now.
Concept: A man and woman with the same last name adopt identical puppies and share the only available rental that allows only one dog per household.
Can they hide the extra pup and their mutual attraction from their landlord who believes them to be siblings?
Madison:

Old Ways:

Doubts herself

Is afraid to assert herself

Fears any man will dominate her.

New Ways:

Asserts herself

Able to train her dog

Believes in an equal partnership with a man

Daniel:

Old Ways:

Doubts himself

Relies on his girlfriend's assessment of his music

Believes Chinese water torture method will get him his own way.

New Ways:

Believes in himself

Surrounds himself with supportive people

Creates his own future by planning and executing

**Act 1:**
– Opening: Madison and Daniel meet while viewing the apartment and realize their housing dilemma.
– Inciting Incident: They decide to pose as siblings to afford the apartment.
– Turning Point: They sign the lease and begin their unconventional living arrangement.

**Act 2:**
– New Plan: Madison and Daniel try to adapt to their new living situation while keeping up their sibling charade.
– Plan in Action: They hide their puppies and navigate personal challenges, bonding as they face difficulties.
– Midpoint Turning Point: Their bond strengthens, and they start to develop romantic feelings for each other.

**Act 3:**
– Rethink Everything: Their ruse is discovered, and they face the consequences of their deception.
– New Plan: Madison and Daniel must reassess their relationship and find a way to reconcile their feelings and the situation.
– Turning Point: Their relationship is tested as they confront the truth about their feelings and the consequences of their actions. They experience a major setback or failure.

**Act 4:
– Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Madison and Daniel confront Arsenio about the situation, risking their living arrangement and possibly their budding relationship.
– Resolution: Despite the challenges, Madison and Daniel's love triumphs over the obstacles. They openly declare their feelings for each other and decide to face the future together, both personally and professionally.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen's Subtext Plot

Vision: I strive for collaborative success in screenwriting, aiming for financial stability and recognition across diverse genres, supported by travel and a capable manager.

What I learned doing this lesson is that the AI output mirrored my own, but added an idea I hadn't considered but will include.

Concept: A musician and a retail clerk pretend they are siblings in order to afford the only two-bedroom available that allows only one dog.

Subtext Plots:

A Major Cover Up — Madison and Daniel pretend to be siblings with only one puppy while they actually have two puppies and don't know each other at all in the beginning, but then fall in love with each other.

Competitive Agendas — Madison and Daniel each have coworkers/bosses who thwart their attempts to be their genuine selves. They must learn to thwart their competitors and succeed on their own terms.

AI Output:

**2. Layering:**

– Beneath the facade of being siblings, Madison and Daniel share secret dates and moments. As they navigate their fake sibling relationship, their true feelings start to surface.

– *Subtext:* Their hidden romance adds a layer of complexity to their sibling act, creating tension and comedy as they struggle to maintain the ruse.

**6. A Major Cover Up:**

– Madison and Daniel devise elaborate plans to hide their identical dogs and their relationship from *Arsenio*, *Claire*, and *Krissa*.

– *Subtext:* Their cover-up leads to hilarious situations and close calls, testing their ability to trust and rely on each other.

[Janeen Johnson]

Madison Lee – Character Arc and Transformational Journey

Arc Begins:
Madison is a talented stylist who loves her job but is constantly overshadowed by her fear of her boss and her own self-doubt. She’s passionate about her work but lacks the confidence to stand up for herself and take her career to the next level.

Arc Ends:
Madison gains confidence and establishes herself as a successful stylist with a partnership in her workplace. She no longer fears her boss and believes in her abilities.

Internal Journey:
Madison becomes more confident and less afraid of conflict. She learns to assert herself and trust her instincts, especially when it comes to her career and relationships.

External Journey:
Madison transitions from a retail clerk to a professional stylist. She also finds love with Daniel, learning to balance her personal and professional life.

Old Ways:
– Doubts herself and her abilities
– Is afraid to assert herself and confront her boss
– Fears that any man will dominate her and take away her independence

New Ways:
– Asserts herself confidently, especially at work
– Successfully trains her dog, showing her determination and patience
– Believes in an equal partnership with Daniel, valuing mutual respect and support

—

Daniel Lee – Character Arc and Transformational Journey

Arc Begins:
Daniel is a talented musician frustrated by his band’s refusal to play his style of music alongside theirs. He relies heavily on his girlfriend’s assessment of his music and struggles to assert himself within the band.

Arc Ends:
Daniel establishes his own music career, believing in himself and his abilities. He surrounds himself with supportive people and finds love with Madison.

Internal Journey:
Daniel learns to believe in himself and his music, realizing that he doesn’t need validation from his band or girlfriend. He becomes more self-assured and independent, trusting his own judgment.

External Journey:
Daniel transitions from a frustrated band member to a successful solo musician. He also finds love with Madison, learning to balance his personal and professional aspirations.

Old Ways:
– Doubts himself and his musical abilities
– Relies on his girlfriend’s assessment of his music
– Believes that using manipulation, like the Chinese water torture method, will help him get his way

New Ways:
– Believes in himself and his music, pursuing his own career path
– Surrounds himself with supportive people who believe in his talent
– Takes control of his future by planning and executing his music career

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intentional Lead Characters

Vision: I strive for collaborative success in screenwriting, aiming for financial stability and recognition across diverse genres, supported by travel and a capable manager.

What I learned doing this assignment is that I was missing a key role for one of my characters.

My protagonist is Madison Lee, a retail clerk who is a frustrated stylist.
Unique: Madison loves her clients and dogs and struggles to stand up for herself.

My 2nd protagonist is Daniel Lee, a musician who is frustrated that his band will not try any music that fits his personal style.
Unique: Daniel loves dogs, thinks quickly on his feet, and is often overruled by more dominant people.

My connecting character is dog breeder April who befriends Madison and Daniel but later falls for Daniel.
Unique: April understands dog behavior very well and can help them with their ruse of being siblings and in managing 2 dogs in one apartment.

[Janeen Johnson]

I have a one hour drama series set in the Midwest (no cowboy boots or drawls, I promise). I would like to exchange feedback with someone.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pilot Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that Claude and ChatGPT have a very different vision for my show than I do. I found little of use in the AI output as all of it was trite and merely what I had put in. It also included multiple episodes of my show into the pilot (it basically started with everything I wanted to include in the pilot and winged it from there on). Here is my version.

Teaser:

• Essence: Sabra stomps out of the Ragsdale Construction office and Roman Foxfire fumes out the other door. Adrianna is serving supper to her three kids. Roman enters, dark as pitch and Adrianna pulls him into the living room. Maisie Ragsdale has told her that Roman is having an affair. Roman calls her a liar. They have a standoff minute and Roman storms out.
• Turning Point: We see Roman driving down the road and then an accident.

Act 1:

• Essence: The clock has advanced and Adrianna gets the call to go to the hospital. She leaves her daughter in charge of putting the other kids to bed.
• Zane comes out of a room and takes his phone out of a mailbox looking locker. He sees 6 messages and 2 voicemails. He checks the voicemail and goes pale. “We’ll see you tomorrow.” “No, my parents were in a car crash. I have to go home.”
• Bettina goes to the grocery store and Sabra shares that Zane’s parents are dead. She’ll probably have to work at the grocery store now that the Ragsdales are dead. Bettina says that’s really crass and Sabra bursts into tears. Bettina is surprised by the tears.
• Adrianna and her kids are at the bedside of Roman who is in a coma. The doc calls her outside to talk. “It could be days, maybe weeks, maybe never.” The daughter looks daggers at her mother. Adrianna is angry with her, but can’t look her in the eye.
• Turning Point: Zane lets himself into the office at Ragsdale Construction and sits behind the desk and looks at the photo of his folks on the wall. I guess this is my new life, Dad.

Act 2:

• Essence: Bettina gets a call from her parents. The bank they bought is taking too much of their time. They’ll have to both work there permanently. She is in charge of the Overton branch. She panics — she’s never taken banking that seriously.
• Adrianna goes to the grocery store and Sabra asks her if she’s gotten the prototype done for “her product”. Adrianna is angry that she should ask and Sabra is abashed. Of course not. Adrianna charges some items (put it on my bill).
• One of Adrianna’s girls says she needs clothes for school and Adrianna was supposed to take her shopping. Throws a hissy fit. Adrianna looks at the checkbook and there is little money there. Adrianna goes through everything at home looking for insurance information. She finally finds Roman’s business info and sees he didn’t sign up for the long term insurance or AD&D insurance. She calls the Ragsdale office and there is no answer.
• Turning Point/Midpoint: Zane comes to the hospital and talks to Adrianna. Did Roman have Long Term Disability? Zane’s mom took care of that. He has no idea. Roman’s in a coma. He can’t help Zane, but we’ll hope for the best. (Adrianna prays a lot.)
• Bettina gets a call from her parents. The bank they bought is taking too much of their time. They’ll have to both work there permanently. She is in charge of the Overton branch. She panics — she’s never taken banking that seriously.

Act 3:

• Essence: Sabra comes to the hospital where Adrianna and the girls are keeping vigil. Any change? Why are you here? I just thought I’d stop by and see if you needed anything. Adrianna is puzzled, Sabra embarrassed.
• Adrianna takes the girls to school registration night and doesn’t have enough money for all of the school fees for the daughter’s extracurricular. The daughter storms off angry. The superintendent (a woman) says they’ll work it out, not to worry.
• Binley meets with the superintendent at the school’s registration night. He is the new science teacher — last minute. Binley’s not-so-ready excuse for why someone with his qualifications is available at the last minute is that he was thinking about grad school, but at the last minute decided he wasn’t ready for that.
• Turning Point: Bettina, at the bank, sees that she has a house payment due on her mortgage — a clerk is asking her/reminding her about it — and she calls her boyfriend. Remember that loan I made you? Your payment bounced.

Act 4:

• Essence: Zane, opens the office again for business and everyone is stumped on what needs to be done. His mom did the books, his dad managed the finance, regulatory, inspections, and schedule and Roman handled day to day equipment assignments and on-site supervision. Zane tries to be pragmatic in making assignments.
• Adrianna gets a call from the hospital. Roman has stirred, but is still unconscious. He may be regaining consciousness soon.
• Sabra tells a random customer that the sheriff still doesn’t know the cause of the accident. It looks like the two vehicles ran into each other head on. Like they both crossed the line at the same time.
• A deputy stops by Adrianna’s to ask if Roman had been drinking. Apologizes for the timing. She says no. The daughter heard the fight and is tempted to speak about it, but Adrianna gives her a menacing look.
• Binley, at his desk at the empty school room, is looking at his investment account balance of $7M. The superintendent brings in his contract which he signs without really reading it. The $ on it are $48,400. The superintendent asks if he’s found a place to live and he says he found a little rental house. Needs to get furniture yet, but he has enough to get started.
• Turning Point: Roman wakes up and freaks out that he can’t remember much of anything and can’t move his legs.

Act 5:

• Essence: The doctor is looking at head X-rays with concern and pointing to a spot on them, conferring with the nurses about possible brain damage.
• Adrianna rushes in and learns that Roman is paralyzed. Probably permanently. He doesn’t remember much and is struggling mentally, but the doc assures her that it is common after being in a coma and he will probably recover. The nurse gives the doctor a funny look.
• The funeral — People are asking Zane if the construction company will continue and he says, of course. He’s moving back to Overton to take over. He grew up with it and Roman will help him out. He’s rumored to be recovering.
• Adrianna and the kids go since Roman can’t and they were all close with the Ragsdales. At the table, they all find out that Roman is paralyzed and Adrianna will have to “go back to work”. Sabra suggests they finish her product since they agreed it could be a money-maker. They discuss the product (Sabra, Bettina (volunteers to do Sales/Marketing), and Adrianna). Zane joins them and absentmindedly tells them they can use warehouse space and shop tools at the construction company since the business is at a standstill. They agree they should make it a priority to get the product out the door since Adrianna needs the money.
• Lock In: Zane gets called away. Some relatives just arrived. It is the handlers from the locked room earlier. He tries to get out of working for them since he has the business to run, but they say he still has “obligations”. Then they tell him his parents’ deaths may have been a hit.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned is that I need to reread my initial transformation story and my entire script to see if it meets the expectations I set in my character transformation outline.

[Janeen Johnson]

a

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned rewriting my scene is that what is that what is coming next needs to be foreshadowed in some way.

Basic scene components — Scene arc, situation, conflict, moving the story forward, entertainment value, and setups/payoffs.

Scene arc: The vote is smugly taken and they want to know why the 12th man voted against it. His only comment is that he thinks they should spend more time since the suspected murderer is only 18 years old. He doesn’t say he thinks he’s innocent, just that they should talk about it more. They do and end up in controversy.

Situation: They are the jury for a murder trial of an 18 year old, abused all his life, accused of killing his father.

Conflict: Only one man has voted No.

Moving the story forward: We see that most of the jurors are either prejudiced, eager to get out of there, distracted or bullies who just want this over with except for the 12th man. We see by the end of the scene, that he is not going to let them decide quickly and that there is dissension in the 11 who voted yes.

Entertainment Value: The men’s personalities, foibles, and conversation is entertaining.

Setups/Payoffs: Setup: Tell us why you think he’s innocent? Payoff: They disagree on facts almost immediately.

Invitation to the journey: We see immediately that there is not agreement and wonder how many more jurors will be shown to have not really considered the evidence. We want to know how it will turn out.

2nd time through:

• Challenging Situation· 11 men say guilty right off the bat. Only one says no.
• Interesting Action: The bigot gets up for a handkerchief — standing automatically gives him the floor. The doodler adds some humor.
• Intriguing Dialogue: Each person’s viewpoint is distinct, their bigotry comes out, their lack of care about ascertaining the facts is obvious.
• Something inside this character needs to go on the journey. — The 12th man knows more about the law than he is letting on and rather than taking a belligerent stance, he soft soaps them into starting the discussion.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing watching this scene is that you can pack a lot of info about the characters into a small space.

The Dark Knight

1. Basic Scene components:

1. Scene Arc — goes from starting the heist to the bus pulling out — the heist is pulled off.
2. Situation — A bunch of jokers are robbing a bank with the “boss” supposedly not in the group.
3. Conflict — Anyone who doesn’t comply right away is dealt with, anyone who completes their job is killed.
4. Moving the story forward — The bank manager is injured, but not killed. Why?
5. Entertainment value — The dialogue was clever
6. Setups/Payoffs — A guy says “the sixth man, the boss” when talking about shares of the loot. He dies so the boss will get it all after killing all of his henchmen. The guy on the roof says he’s done with his job and the “joker ” with him shoots him. Same for each guy down the line. We see it coming and are only surprised when the Joker doesn’t kill the bank manager

2. Intro to the World: It’s clearly the Batman world since this is the joker.

3. The Joker is portrayed as having a sense of humor, no scruples about killing people, a mastermind of bank heists, and, as a matter of bragging, I suppose, left the bank manager alive.

2nd Time through:

1. Challenging Situation: The boss told each one of them to kill the guy they’re working with when the guy had finished his job.

2. Intrigue: Why does the bank manager say “What do you believe in?”

3. Interesting Action: The zip line to the top of the bank, the voltage on the vault, the masks.

4. Intriguing Dialogue: The line about the boss telling them to kill each other.

5. Tone: Humorous, but dangerous.

6. Lures us into the Story: Curious to know who can actually catch the Joker and wondering what the bank manager meant by “What do you believe in?”

7. Twist at Conclusion of the scene: Leaves the bank manager alive

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Amazing Inciting Incident

What I learned doing the assignment is that I already knew how the structure of my pilot was going to play out as far as these big beats after going over them so many time in my bible.

1. The inciting incident is a car accident that leaves one character with no income, a disabled husband, and three kids and another character, a guy with the reputation of being a screwup, running his parents’ corporation while two men drop into the funeral to tell him that his parents’ death may have been a hit.

2. The Main Beats:

Intriguing Concept: An ambitious team in a small rural community builds a side hustle manufacturing business, but when each ingenious prototype is beaten to market by a state university’s product incubator, suspicion, financial ruin, and secrets abound.

Act 1: Adrianna accuses her husband of cheating and he leaves in a fury. Sabra and Bettina chat about Sabra’s latest idea for a product and muse about actually producing it and scoff at the idea that Zane could be helpful. Zane finishes a hacking job and is told to keep his nose clean.

Midpoint: Zane’s parents and Adrianna’s husband are in a car crash. The parents are killed and Adrianna’s husband, Roman, is in a coma in the hospital.

Lock In: Sabra sobs while looking at a picture of a baby. At the funeral, Adrianna, Sabra, Bettina, and Zane agree to start Overton Ventures because Adrianna is going to need an income. Zane’s handlers show up masquerading as relatives of his and tell him his parents’ deaths may have been a hit.

[Janeen Johnson]

I’m Janeen Johnson and I’ve written about 8 scripts. I want to master the scene info so that I can incorporate it into all of my scenes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Big Picture Components

What I learned doing this lesson is that I don’t have enough conflict in the pilot. I need to add some.

Assignment 1:

SERIES INFO:

• World: In Overton, an isolated Iowa farm town of 1,000, everyone is related to someone else in town.

Getting along with others despite political, wealth, and religious differences is required to survive, but keeping secrets is extremely difficult.

Small farm towns like Overton survive if they have a manufacturing or construction business to employ non-farmers, a local grocery store, and a school. Without all of those, the town dies.

• Main mystery: Who is stealing the team’s products?
• Impossible Goal: Gain financial stability after the accident that killed Zane’s parents and crippled Adrianna’s husband.
• Main Conflict: Someone is betraying them, but who?
• Second Mystery: Where does Zane go?
• Season 1 Arc: The team comes together in the pilot to solve their financial problems and at the end of the season, things are worse for all of them.
• Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Adrianna is furious with her cheating husband. He is crippled in the accident and she feels even more angry since now she has to keep up their charade of a marriage and provide fore the family. She resorts to her old illegal ways of making money and in the end, the stress gets to her and she takes a pill — an old addiction has been triggered.

PILOT INFO:

• Pilot Conflict: How did the accident happen? How will Adrianna finance her family? How will Zane run the construction company?
• Characters Introduced: Adrianna, Zane, Sabra, Bettina, Zane’s handlers, Adrianna’s kids, Sabra’s parents.
• Inciting Incident of Season 1: The accident happens and they have to make money via Overton Ventures.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Summary

What I learned doing this assignment is that the AI is better at summarizing something that is already well-written than at putting together a coherent summary from episode summaries.

1. Summary Format — Highlights of Entire Season

2. Setup: Adrianna is a stay-at-home mom who dabbles in 3D printing and raises her three kids. Her husband, a construction foreman, has had dalliances before, but Adrianna largely keeps him in line by threatening to leave with the kids.

Zane Ragsdale was caught hacking into his professor’s grade spreadsheet to change his grade and has never lived it down in Overton. Labeled a complete screw-up, his parents, the most successful construction company in 3 counties, support him as he seemingly continues to study at the university because it keeps him out of town.

Twist/Hook:

All that changes when a car accident kills Zane’s parents and paralyzes Adrianna’s husband leaving him brain damaged and dependent.

Real Situation: Empathy/Distress

Adrianna faces financial ruin and forms Overton Ventures in hopes of making money from the inventions local grocer Sabra has described, but money from the inventions is too far off, Bettina, at the bank, can’t loan her money and she has to find another way.

Zane comes home to take over the construction company, but Adrianna’s husband is no longer helpful when it comes to bidding. He flounders, unable to trust the company foremen who want to take over the business and hobbled by his reputation as a screw-up. His agreement to hack for the government, punishment for his cheating, forbids him to tell anyone about his hacking genius or to make money from it.

Twist/Hook:

Overton Ventures, which could satisfy all parties’ financial needs can’t seem to get the manufacturing of their first invention right. They invite the standoffish new science teacher who has a background in manufacturing to join the team and the product is finally ready for market. Then the product shows up on Amazon for sale from an untraceable foreign company.

Major Mystery:

Some member of the team has leaked their design, probably profiting from it, but who? Adrianna, desperate for money, has resorted to diluting drugs from her husband’s prescriptions and the hospital where she is once again a nurse. Zane resorts to hacking his competitors to win bids after failing miserably the legitimate way. Bettina mortgages her house to float loans to people she thinks deserve it, but her parents have cut her off from any other funds than her nominal back salary due to her ineptitude with money. The science teacher seems to have money but his demeanor speaks of dishonesty and Sabra starts rumor after rumor about who the real leaker is on the Overton Ventures team. Everyone is suspect, but there is no proof.

Final Hook:

When their second invention is beaten to the market by a university incubator, anyone with ties to the university is suspect. The only problem? They all have ties.

SHOW SUMMARY

When a tragic crash leaves Zane’s parents dead and Adrianna’s husband brain damaged and paralyzed, financial ruin looms for both. Adrianna forms a startup to sell Sabra’s inventions but money troubles and manufacturing woes threaten their hopes. Zane attempts to lead his family’s firm but flounders, and secretly hacking for the government.

Suspicions explode when their product is sold online by another company. Desperate for money, Adrianna dilutes hospital drugs amid while Zane hacks competitors’ bids. Banker Bettina hides risky loans and the science teacher’s wealth raises questions. Rumors of an insider leak makes suspects of them all.

Ties to university incubator beating them to market hints at betrayals. With secrecy, addiction and hackers among them, intimate bonds fray as they ponder who profits from their loss and who betrays their shared dreams. External success relies on internal unity, but mystery and money troubles precipitate lies fomenting conflict in this close-knit community.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Episode Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment is that the AIs I used like to be vague. I did a lot of rewriting and used more of what I’d written below than what the AI gave me after multiple attempts to get them (I tried two different ones) to give me more of what I wanted.

Episode 1:

Hook/Intrigue: Car crash where Zane’s parents are killed and Adrianna’s husband is paralyzed

Main Character Journey: Adrianna, while concerned about her husband’s condition is angry at him too. It looks like he will be paralyzed from the waist down and has sustained some brain damage.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Zane is called home to run the construction business he has not worked in since high school.

Action/Reaction: Adrianna pushes the team to bring the product to market sooner because she will need to be the breadwinner for a while. They decide to add the new science teacher, Binley Marco.

Cliffhanger: At the funeral, two men in suits take Zane aside and tell him that his parents’ death may have been a hit.

Episode 2:

Hook/Intrigue: Adrianna tells her husband she must go back to nursing and they both know why that is a bad idea. He tells her not to worry, he’ll be back to work soon.

Main Character Journey: Zane is trying to come up to speed on the construction company’s current contracts and is scoffed at as the kid who had to cheat to pass classes in college and who never graduated. He resolves to prove people wrong and keep the company afloat..

Major Challenge/Conflict: The product as it is currently designed is not reliably manufacturable. Binley and Marco disagree on ways to make it better.

Action/Reaction: Bettina has given a loan to her boyfriend and he dumps her. This has happened before.

Cliffhanger: Binley is seen as cold by the other teachers. At home, he looks at a picture of his late best friend and mutters, “People I like tend to die.”

Episode 3:

Hook/Intrigue: Adrianna’s 13 year old gets in trouble in school and Binley befriends her because he knows her mom.

Main Character Journey: Roman Foxfire is told he is permanently paralyzed but he is hopeful he can get enrolled in a trial to repair his spinal injury. Adrianna scoffs at the idea and begins classes to renew her nursing license.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Zane uses his parents’ old contracts to put together a bid for a new one. He consults the foremen who scoff and tell him he has no idea what he is doing and he should let them run the company.

Action/Reaction: Overton Ventures product is finally reliably manufacturable. Bettina is told to do the marketing campaign.

Cliffhanger: Bettina is researching similar products and finds their design offered on an online retailer from a company known for cheap knockoffs.

Episode 4:

Hook/Intrigue: Adrianna’s husband comes home from the hospital and Adrianna takes charge of his meds to the kids won’t accidentally get hold of them. He reminds her about how she used to steal drugs by diluting them at the hospital.

Main Character Journey: Zane loses the contract he bid by himself and goes away for a few days, telling Overton Ventures that he is visiting relatives.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Bettina’s parents accuse her of paying off her boyfriend’s bad loan which she did, but will not admit. Adrianna is in money trouble because she can’t work until she is relicensed or an insurance settlement comes and Bettina loans her money.

Action/Reaction: When the knockoff OV product is discussed, each accuses the others of leaking their product. Sabra says she has another product idea but engages in gossip, posing each of the others as the leaker.

Cliffhanger: Sabra tells the others that Zane has disappeared after losing the contract and, apparently, leaking their idea.

Episode 5:

Hook/Intrigue: Bettina tells her parents that OV has taken on a new product to develop and needs a little front money. They tell her that she is not, under any circumstances to fund the ridiculous company.

Main Character Journey: Zane returns and attends the OV product meeting. Others accuse him of selling them out and ask where he’s been. He tells his “with relatives” lie and Binley can tell it’s a lie.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Zane returns and his foremen tell him they need more projects in the pipeline and that they’ve decided they want to buy him out in a 20 year contract. They chide that they’ll pay him a fixed amount each year so he can screw up for the next 20 years like he has for the past 20.

Action/Reaction: Bettina finally reveals that she can’t fund the next venture when they get together with product development estimates. They are in a quandary about how to fund the product.

Cliffhanger: Adrianna, desperate for money, makes molds for pills on her 3D printer that match her husband’s medications.

Episode 6:

Hook/Intrigue: Binley looks at a large stock portfolio and cashes in a little to fund the OV product development.

Main Character Journey: Adrianna substitutes half-strength pills for her husband’s and contacts her ex at the university to sell the half-strength ones. It’s clear they’ve done this before.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Sabra sows the rumor that Adrianna is unhappy with her husband and is straying with her university ex. Adrianna has trouble explaining that away.

Action/Reaction: Binley tells OV that he can fund the second invention with money from “an inheritance”, the money from his stock sale. Bettina is mortified that someone else has taken over the banker role in the company. Bettina rejects Binley’s admiration of her.

Cliffhanger: Zane gets another visit from his “relatives” and is forced to leave again.

Episode 7:

Hook/Intrigue: Binley makes a romantic overture to Bettina while consulting about marketing for the new product.

Main Character Journey: In a moment of confidence while working on the new product, Binley confesses to Adrianna that he doesn’t get close to people because they have a tendency to die on him. He doesn’t elaborate.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Adrianna looks over her finances, realizing that her husband is never going to be able to work again due to his brain injury and paralysis. She talks about finances with her daughter who wants things they can’t afford. Adrianna ponders options.

Action/Reaction: Sabra sees Adrianna and Binley in close communication and starts the rumor that they leaked the product and that’s where the money that Adrianna is living on and the money Binley is funding the second invention is coming from.

Cliffhanger: Adrianna substitutes her half-strength pills for full strength ones at the hospital.

Episode 8:

Hook/Intrigue: Sabra gets word from the adoption agency that her child’s adoptive parents have told their daughter that she is adopted. She stares at the picture of the baby.

Main Character Journey: Bettina lies to her parents about the solvency of OV and that they will repay the loan she made them for their first product. She eyes mortgaging her house to cover it.

Major Challenge/Conflict: Zane struggles with his bid for the next contract. His foremen chide him and urge him to let them take over. He suspects they are deliberately leaking his bid to the competition in an effort to get him out and take over the company. He contemplates hacking the other companies.

Action/Reaction: While doing market research for the second product, Bettina discovers that the second product has been introduced to the market by a university incubator. Each team member suspect others of leaking the product design and has reasons to do so.

Cliffhanger: After a fight with her husband about money, Adrianna takes a pill. Binley gets a late night visit from the sister of his college best friend who says she needs money and she knows he has it.

Episode 1: “Family Tragedy”

Zane returns to run the family construction business after a car crash kills his parents and leaves Adrianna’s husband paralyzed. Adrianna, facing financial pressure, urges the Overton Ventures team to expedite their product launch. At the funeral, two strangers hint that Zane’s parents’ deaths may have been a hit.

Episode 2: “Proving Ground”

Zane strives to prove himself amid skepticism from his foremen in the construction business. Conflicts arise in refining the product’s design after adding the local science teacher to the team. Bettina’s financial troubles escalate when her boyfriend defaults on a loan.

Episode 3: “School Dilemmas”

Adrianna resolves to get back into nursing despite her past in the field. His foremen scoff at Zane when he bids for a new construction contract using his parents’ old contracts. Overton Ventures’ product is ready to market and Bettina makes a discovery while working on the marketing campaign.

Episode 4: “Hidden Struggles”

Adrianna takes charge of her husband’s meds, finding a way to deal with her financial troubles. Zane loses a contract bid and disappears, sparking internal accusations within Overton Ventures. Bettina’s makes another bad loan.

Episode 5: “Financial Crossroads”

Bettina struggles to secure funds. Zane returns after his disappearance. Zane’s foremen propose a buyout in an insulting offer. The team faces a critical decision on how to fund the next venture. Adrianna, desperate for money, makes 3D printed molds for pills.

Episode 6: “Mysterious Funding”

Binley, a teacher, surprisingly funds the second invention. Adrianna substitutes half-strength pills for her husband’s and contacts her university ex to sell the extras. Zane gets another visit from his “relatives” and is forced to leave again.

Episode 7: “Romantic Complexity”

Binley makes a romantic overture to Bettina. Adrianna substitutes her half-strength pills at her new hospital job. Sabra sees Adrianna and Binley in close communication and rumors that they leaked the product and are living off the money.

Episode 8: “Betrayals Unveiled”

Sabra receives news about her child’s adoption. Bettina lies to her parents about OV’s solvency. Zane loses another contract and suspects his foremen leaked his bid. He contemplates an illegal option. The team discovers their second product is introduced by a university incubator, leading to internal suspicions.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Five Seasons

What I learned doing this lesson is that sometimes AI requires a lot of coaching. Other times, it does a fine job on its own.

**Season 1: Small Town Secrets**

A small town invention team’s dreams sour as leaks reveal products online first. Simmering strains amid spousal drug abuse, hidden relatives, risky loans, and ambitions ignite suspicions that tear intimate bonds. Ends with FBI hacking discovery. (50 words)

**Season 2: The Spy Among Us**

Escalating invention leaks expose deeper betrayals including addiction concealment, parental rejection, audit violations, and patent theft, making the team question who they can trust. Ends with foreign theft origin and discreet rehab. (47 words)

**Season 3: Knockoff Black Market**

Chinese fakes sold amidst addiction separation, store failure threats, embezzling discoveries, and settlement fraud, forcing the team to confront uncomfortable truths. Ends with arrests, custody loss, insolvency, whistleblowing, and fraud charges. (49 words)

**Season 4: Dark Web Victims**

Custom prints expose tears in personal and professional lives including custody battles, supply chain bullying, account sabotage, and incriminating testimonies, pushing the team to their breaking point. Ends with unpinned leaks, preferred parental rights lost, defamation, job loss, and jail time. (50 words)

**Season 5: Phoenix Rising**

What doesn’t demolish you makes you stronger. The team rebuilds lives with renewed bonds, online groceries, microloans, hard lessons learned, and patented ideas. Ends with divorce finalized, hacking penalized, marriage and motherhood secured, redemption embraced, and inventions protected. (50 words)

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment is that AI can craft much better, much more exciting character descriptions than I can. Very helpful!

Gifted inventor and prototyper Adrianna Foxfire seems to have it all together as she leads a startup manufacturing business in her small town, but she hides both a disabled husband suffering from a mysterious accident and a growing desperation that leads her back to the tech scams of her past. Though outwardly a pillar of strength and competence in the community, Adrianna battles inner demons, obsessions, and trust issues that crack her veneer of confidence and control, threatening to undermine the startup and her already strained relationships. Driven by creative outlets and a thirst for recognition, Adrianna will delve into risky schemes and deception to achieve her goals, no matter the cost to those around her.

Haunted by the suspicious death of his parents, skilled hacker Zane Ragsdale barely keeps his family’s struggling construction firm afloat through a complex double life of ethical cybersecurity gigs for the government and illegal espionage hacking of the competition. Though seeking redemption as a legitimate businessman on the surface, Zane constantly battles inner demons, self-loathing, and the need to prove himself at any cost, leading him to take escalating risks to beat his rivals and avenge his parents’ deaths, no matter who he betrays. With unique access to confidential data, this unpredictable antihero excels at deception, constantly hiding his true motivations and cyber tricks from both the government handlers who distrust him and the small town companions who know nothing of his past.

Banker Bettina Harding publicly champions charitable causes to transform the image of her family’s domineering institution, but privately makes risky off-book loans in a desperate bid for male affection, validation and to numb her own loneliness. Though she presents a veneer of benevolence and strength, Bettina copes with secrets of past abuse, sold possessions to fund pet causes, mounted debts, and growing resentment toward former friends, leading her to become unpredictably defensive, erratic, and controlling behind the scenes. Driven by white knight self-delusions yet triggered by familiar patterns of rejection, this wounded outcast will stop at nothing to prove she can succeed at romance and finance without her family name, no matter who she harms in the process.

Science teacher Binley Marco secretly funded his cozy small town life by betraying and bankrupting his best friend years ago, leaving him desperate to impress local banker Bettina before the truth of his hidden wealth and fraud emerges from the past to expose him. Though he presents an image of confidence, popularity, and humble means in public, privately Binley battles anxious self-doubt, guilt, and chronic fears of both discovery and romantic rejection that cause increasingly erratic overcompensation. Driven by deeply buried pains yet triggered by reminders of past deeds, this facade-crafting antihero will stop at nothing to achieve the status, romance, and redemption he craves

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intriguing Concept and World

What I learned doing the assignment is that I prefer my concept and AI’s intriguing world (with my own edits). Repeated requests and clarifications can get me much better results.

1. Present your Concept.

• A. Engaging and highly proactive hero or group…Ambitious people in a small town start a manufacturing side hustle
• B. …up against a major conflict…Each ingenious prototype is beaten to market by a state university’s think tank
• C. …goes on unique transformational journey…as they struggle to find who is leaking their inventions
• D. …Into an intriguing world… Suspicion and secrets abound in this small town.

2. Tell us the Intriguing World of this show.

• Unique Sub-World: A 1000 person town in rural lowa
• Previously unexplored: A small town that is diverse in politics, faiths, wealth, skills, and trust
• The unknown: What is each of the characters hiding in their background that makes them a possible leak
• The unseen: Who is the mastermind stealing their ideas?
• Unheard of Dangers: How did the car accident happen that killed Zane’s parents and left Arianna’s husband handicapped?
• Reason to explore it: People in small towns have to get along to survive while in cities, they can lead separate lives. that’s not possible in a truly small town

My concept: An ambitious team in a small rural community build a side hustle manufacturing business, but when each ingenious prototype is beaten to market by a state university’s think tank, suspicion and secrets abound.

My Intriguing World: Lives are intertwined and everyone is familiar in this thousand person community that pulls together to survive, yet tears each other apart. The populace manages to pack in colliding diversity across political lines, faiths, jobs, honesty, and dispositions.

AI’s results:

Concept (24 words):

When their promising prototypes are suspiciously scooped by the university, the solidarity of one tight-knit rural community unravels amid accusations, damaging secrets, and questions around the tragic fate of two fallen locals.

Intriguing World:

In this isolated farm town of 1,000, familiarity breeds distrust as simmering rifts in politics, faith and class stir suspicion that neighborly bonds hide damaging secrets. Two locals killed and one disabled in a mysterious crash make townsfolk question who they can trust, just as the team building clever inventions has their dreams destroyed as each invention is scooped by a state university’s think tank. This forces lifelong acquaintances to confront whether the unity binding them also enables a hidden saboteur bent on seeing them fail.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen has completed the bingeworthy framework.

What I learned is that AI is much better at shortening and summarizing than I am.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Creating Irony

What I learned doing this lesson is that irony was already baked into many of my characters and their situations.

Assignment 1

Show: The Morning Show

Every main character: Alex, Mitch, Bradley, Cory, Chip; and many of the secondary characters claim to be looking out for, loyal to, and “good with” the other characters while they repeatedly stab each other in the back, betray each other, and plot for each other’s downfall and their own success at each other’s expense.

Assignment 2:

My show:

1. Each of my 5 main characters stands to benefit if the inventions succeed, yet each one suspects the others of being the ones to leak their inventions and sabotage their efforts to be successful.
2. Bettina wants to impress the world with how “human” and humane the bank is, but the bank owners (her parents) won’t make the kinds of loans that are human and humane and she has to mortgage her own house to make those loans.
3. Adrianna is struggling to keep her household together financially and emotionally, but her husband cheated on her before his accident when she was dependent on him for her and her kids’ livelihood, but she now has to provide for him.
4. Binley cheated his friend in college by stealing his IP, but now someone is stealing his IP.
5. Sabra is the biggest town gossip, but now someone”s loose lips are sinking the invention business.
6. Zane is trying to prove that he is capable of running the construction business, but now he finds himself hacking into rivals to win bids.
7. Zane made a deal with the government to hack for them in exchange for not being a hacker, but now he is a hacker for his construction business.
8. Binley is the most popular teacher and is successful in the invention business, but his past behavior caused his best friend and business partner to kill himself.
9. The only thing Zane is really good at is hacking and he has to keep that a secret. Everyone still thinks he’s a screwup.
10. Bettina is actually a good, skilled banker, but no one thinks she is. She knows her loans are risky, but worth the risk, but still doubts herself.

AI Generated:

Here are some potential ironic contradictions and opposites that could create drama:

I won’t use these Plot Irony ideas as my characters don’t steal the ideas. They are actually inventors.

Plot Irony

• The team’s best ideas come from scavenged university prototypes they claim were stolen from them.
• Their manufacturing startup relies on tech covertly provided by the very university undermining them.
• They vilify idea theft while benefiting from stolen intellectual property themselves.

Character Irony

I will use most of these Character Irony ideas.

Adrianna:

• Claims to be protecting family while risking their livelihood with scams.
• Resents disabled husband while causing own injury with drug abuse.

Zane:

• Hates condescension about parents yet hides shameful secret.
• Seeks business legitimacy through illegal hacking means.

Bettina:

• Yearns for independence yet dependent on family wealth.
• Fights being treated as child but makes immature choices.

Sabra:

• Wants recognition for ideas while spreading stolen gossip.
• Seeks stability and security while living in delusional chaos.

Binley:

• Obsessed with earning crush’s love through manipulation.
• Claims loneliness while pushing away those seeking connection.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing this assignment is that AI is much better at distilling and summarizing than I am. That’s very helpful!

Adrianna:

Expertise: Skilled rapid prototyper

Purpose: Keep family financially afloat

Past: Ran tech scams

Flaw: Resorts to scams when business fails

Hidden Agenda: Wants to prove herself as more than just a mom

Competition: Rivalry with stay-at-home parent friends

Conspiracy: Suspicious husband’s injury wasn’t an accident

Secret: Has a prescription drug addiction

Deception: Lies about being a widow to gain sympathy

Wound: Feels stuck in an unfulfilling life

Situation:

– Hope: Fund family

– Fear: Day job income insufficient

Motivation:

– Want: Husband to be capable again

– Need: Financial security

Mask:

– Negative Emotion: Angry that husband is disabled

– Public Mask: Seemingly coping fine

Weakness: Anything for family

Trigger: Hints she’s less than men

Coping: Works harder

Zane:

Expertise: Skilled hacker

Purpose: Keep parents’ business afloat

Past: No college degree

Flaw: Resorts to illegal hacking

Hidden Agenda: Business is cover for hacking

Competition: Rival hackers

Conspiracy: Parents’ death may be a hit

Secret: Never graduated college

Deception: Pretends to be legitimate businessman

Wound: Orphaned young

Situation:

– Hope: Redeem himself in town’s eyes

– Fear: Fail and confirm he’s a screwup

Motivation:

– Want: To be respected

– Need: Keep hacking secret

Mask:

– Negative Emotion: Self-loathing

– Public Mask: Confident and humble

Weakness: Hates being condescended

Trigger: Criticisms of his parents

Coping: Hacks to boost confidence

Bettina:

Expertise: Skilled banker

Purpose: Change bank’s image

Past: Cut off from family trust fund

Flaw: Makes risky loans to boost self-esteem

Hidden Agenda: Prove she can succeed without family

Competition: Jealousy of old money elites

Conspiracy: Trust fund taken away against her will

Secret: Massive insecurities about self-worth

Deception: Hides lack of wealth from others

Wound: Deep scars from family rejection

Situation:

– Hope: Make a difference in the world

– Fear: Squander money without impact

Motivation:

– Want: Transform bank’s image

– Need: Respect as banker and human

Mask:

– Negative Emotion: Loneliness

– Public Mask: Kind, caring person

Weakness: Low self-esteem, distrust of men

Trigger: Treated like a child by parents

Coping: Risky benevolence to boost self-image

Sabra:

Expertise: Skilled grocer

Purpose: Buy the grocery store

Past: Gave up baby for adoption

Flaw: Spreads conspiracies and gossip

Hidden Agenda: Be a big fish in this small town

Competition: Rivalry with Adrianna over invention credit

Conspiracy: Suspicious of sabotage

Secret: Gave up baby as a teen

Deception: Pretends never married or had kids

Wound: Regrets giving up child

Situation:

– Hope: Own the store and get credit

– Fear: Store closes, loses job

Motivation:

– Want: Recognition and security

– Need: Financial stability

Mask:

– Negative Emotion: Guilt about the adoption

– Public Mask: Gossip insider

Weakness: Believes conspiracy theories

Trigger: Seeing mothers with kids

Coping: Birthing ideas and gossip

Binley:

Expertise: Science teacher

Purpose: Redeem himself

Past: Stole idea/credit from best friend

Flaw: Obsessed with co-founder

Hidden Agenda: Wants to impress his crush

Competition: Jealous of her other suitors

Conspiracy: Moved here just for this startup

Secret: Got money by cheating friend

Deception: Exaggerates investing skills

Wound: Crippling loneliness

Situation:

– Hope: His crush will love him back

– Fear: His cheating will be exposed

Motivation:

– Want: Acceptance for himself

– Need: Redemption from guilt

Mask:

– Negative Emotion: Fear of exposure

– Public Mask: Great teacher/good guy

Weakness: Guilt, fear of discovery

Trigger: Idea theft reminds him of his cheating

Coping: Online gaming for escape

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intriguing Layers

What I learned doing this lesson is that I know so much more about my characters now than the AI did that it was changing everything if I used only “the most intriguing” parts of my characters. I tried it again with ALL of the info from my “Precise Character Profiles” and it was better. It required some coaching of the AI to get the kind of results I was looking for that fit with my concept.

Assignment 1:

Show: The Morning Show

1. Brainstorm a list of possible PLOT layers.

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story.

• Major scheme revealed — Network execs want Alex out
• Mystery revealed — What really happened between Mitch and the ladies
• Thought the story was one thing, but it is another — Thought it was about Bradley adapting, but it is about Alex keeping her career
• Major shift in Meaning — Cory has bigger plans than Bradley or Alex
• Hidden history — Alex and Mitch have history
• Hidden plan — Cory’s plan
• Major betrayal — Alex can’t help Mitch

2. Brainstorm a list of possible CHARACTER layers.

CHARACTER LAYERS – identity beneath the identity.

• Secret identity — Alex – Survivor, dominant; Bradley – Compassionate
• Character intrigue — Alex – How cunning is she?; Bradley – Will she measure up?
• Hidden relationships and conspiracies — Alex – Friendship with Bradley
• Hidden Character history — Alex and Mitch, Bradley and Cory

3. Organize them each into a possible sequence of reveals.

Plot Surface:

• Layer 1: Alex want’s co-host approval and gets it by blurting out that Bradley is the new co-anchor
• Layer 2: Alex is afraid she will be fired by the execs and must find friends
• Layer 3: Cory is just as anxious for dominance as Alex
• Layer 4: Mitch wants revenge and his career/life back
• Etc.

Character Surface:

• Layer 1: Alex wants to take control now that Mitch is gone
• Layer 2: Alex needs her friend Mitch back
• Layer 3: Alex switches her co-anchor friendship from Mitch to Bradley
• Layer 4:

Assignment 2:

1. Brainstorm a list of possible PLOT layers.

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story.

• Major scheme revealed — Someone is stealing their ideas and a university think tank is producing them first
• Mystery revealed — Where is Bettina getting the money for her “kind” loans?
• Thought the story was one thing, but it is another — Adrianna steals her husband’s pain meds and resorts to scams again to pay the family bills
• Major shift in Meaning — Zane is a government hacker — one of the good guys — but uses his hacking to save his business
• Hidden history — Sabra’s love child, Binley’s theft of his partner’s IP
• Hidden plan — Zane hacks into the construction company’s competitors to win bids and keep the company afloat.
• Major betrayal — Adrianna’s husband had cheated on her with Bettina or Sabra before his accident

2. Brainstorm a list of possible CHARACTER layers.

CHARACTER LAYERS – identity beneath the identity.

• Secret identity: Zane is a hacker.
• Character intrigue: Adrianna scams people. Binley is funding things on a teacher’s salary
• Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Adrianna’s husband fathered a baby somewhere along the way. Someone plotted to kill Zane’s parents.
• Hidden Character history: Sabra had a baby after an affair with a married man and gave it up for adoption. Adrianna doctored her husband’s car after she found out he had had an affair with someone. Zane hacks for the government. Binley cheated his partner by stealing his IP and the partner committed suicide when he found out.

3. Organize them each into a possible sequence of reveals.

Plot Surface:

• Layer 1: Someone is stealing the group’s inventions and getting them to market first.
• Layer 2: Adrianna is using drugs to cope and handle her family after her husband’s accident.
• Layer 3: Zane is a secret hacker.
• Layer 4: Binley has stolen ideas in the past.
• Etc.

Character Surface:

• Layer 1: Each character’s surface layer, job in the invention group, financial situation.

**Adrianna**

1. She mixes medications and supplements to stay awake caring for family.

2. She secretly resents her disabled husband and seeks affairs for comfort.

3. She moonlights repairing and reselling damaged electronics she finds.

4. She illegally taps power lines to mine cryptocurrency to pay medical bills.

**Zane**

1. His father cut corners and used faulty materials that caused a damaging collapse.

2. He discovers his father had an illegitimate child no one knows about.

3. He hides that he sustains the business through illegal hacking.

**Bettina**

1. She self-sabotages at work due to imposter syndrome from family name.

2. She is seeing a married clerk at her father’s bank who gives her inside information.

3. She has quietly funneled town investments into blockchain technologies for years.

**Sabra**

1. She learns her baby’s father comes from a family who owned the store’s corrupt past.

2. She mixes expired food into prepared items to save on costs and hide shortfalls.

**Binley**

1. He is stalked by a star student who became obsessed with him at his old school.

2. He rigs school events with secret funds he embezzled from his last job.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Open Loops

What I learned while doing this lesson is the more information the AI is given, the less imaginative it is. If I asked it to be more imaginative, it changed my characters into caricatures.

Assignment 1

Show: The Morning Show

Open loops:

GOALS:

• New goals? — Will Bradley embrace The Morning Show or blow it up
• Goals related to the big picture? Will Alex really leave if they don’t let her have cohost approval?
• Crushed goals? Is Mitch finished?
• Competition / conflict around goals? Will the other TMS lesser hosts sabotage each other and Alex to get the co-anchor spot?

CONSEQUENCES:

• Are they going to be caught? Will Alex be sucked into Mitch’s defeat?
• What problems can be created from past actions? Will Bradley’s past repeat itself?q
• Good plans gone wrong? Will Alex’s plan to ride this out without being fired be possible?

SOLVING PROBLEMS:

• What is the major problem for this character? Alex: Aging — no help for that! Bradley: family trouble and shoots herself in the foot by crusading Mitch: Got caught having affairs that may/may not have been entirely consensual
• What are they trying to solve? Alex wants to lock in her job with the next co-host Bradley wants to see if she can hold this great-paying job Mitch wants his old job back
• Major change imposed on character? Alex: Stuck with the co-host she named out of anger Bradley: Has to live up to TMS expectations while keeping her integrity of looking for truth and avoiding a blow-up
• Previous solutions cause new problems? Alex’s choice of Bradley as co-host now means she’s under the gun too if Bradley doesn’t work out.

RELATIONSHIPS:

• Relationships in peril? Alex and Mitch had a best friend relationship which may end with his firing. Alex and her husband are falling apart. Bradley and her mother are at odds about her brother
• New relationships forming? Alex and Bradley now have to work together
• Conflict inside relationships? Alex and Mitch disagree, Chip and everyone disagree, Alex and Bradley clash
• Relationships changing? Mitch and Alex’s relationship must change. Alex and Bradley morph into friends

DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:

• Can they survive X? Can Alex survive Mitch’s professional demise and Bradley’s new way of interviewing/reporting?
• Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions? Did Alex shoot herself in the foot by choosing Bradley and standing by it? Did Cody shoot himself in the foot by supporting Alex’s decision?
• Who else is pulled into their danger? Chip, the booker, the weatherman and his intern girlfriend, Alex’s family, Mitch’s family
• Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)? Alex and others seem to drink a LOT

Assignment 2:

My Show:

GOALS:

• New goals?

• Adrianna wants to support her family in addition to being a mom, wife and fabricator
• Zane wants to succeed at his parents’ business
• Bettina wants to be a “humane” banker and still stay afloat
• Binley wants to overcome his goals

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Mysteries

What I learned doing this assignment is that the AI is better at articulating mysteries than I am and I love its results. I have mysteries for all 5 of my main characters now that make sense and can be revealed throughout the season(s)..

Assignment 1:

Show: The Morning Show

Shocking Event: Mitch is fired for sexual misconduct on the set.

Secret: What is he going to do about it? Who knew he was misbehaving?

Investigation: They interview one of the women he mistreated, lots of people knew he was doing this, who knew and when?

Over Time mystery:

Cover Up:

Secret:

Reveals:

Assignment 2:

My show.

Shocking Event Mystery

A. Shocking Event: Car crash that kills Zane’s parents and cripples Adrianna’s husband

B. Secret: Why/how did the “accident” happen?

C. Investigation: Cursory investigation reveals it was “just an accident”

WWWWW and How:

Who: — withheld

What: — withheld

When: Opening scene of pilot

Why: “just and accident”

Where:: Road near town

How: withheld — 2 vehicles crashed into each other

Part Withheld: — noted above

Over Time Mystery

A. Cover up: Someone is stealing their ideas for new products

B. Secret: Who is stealing from them?

C. Reveals: I don’t even know yet.

WWWWW and How:

Part Withheld:

AI Results:

I honestly love the AI results a LOT!

Here are some potential mysteries for Season 1 of this TV drama series:

1. Who is leaking the startup’s ideas to the university think tank before they can get their products to market? Is it corporate espionage, or is the culprit closer to home?

2. Are the suspicious deaths/injuries of Adrianna’s husband and Zane’s parents truly accidents, or is something more sinister at play?

3. What secret event caused Bettina to be cut off from her wealthy family’s trust fund against her will?

4. What is Binley’s full backstory with the friend he betrayed? More details about his secret past may emerge.

5. Is Sabra’s relinquished child going to come looking for their biological mother?

6. Does Adrianna have some connection to the university think tank from her past? Is that how ideas get leaked?

7. Is Zane abusing his hacker skills in ways that could jeopardize the whole business?

8. Do the owners of Sabra’s grocery store have shady motivations? Is her job truly at risk?

9. Does Bettina make a risky loan that could unravel everything she’s built?

10. Will there be fallout if Binley’s romantic obsession with Bettina is exposed?

Mystery 1 – Opening Shocking Event Mystery

A. Shocking Event: Zane’s parents are killed in a suspicious car accident.

B. Secret: Zane starts to believe it may have been a targeted hit to stop his parents from exposing an unknown conspiracy.

C. Investigation: Zane hacks into his parents’ records and communications to uncover what they knew and who wanted them silenced.

Mystery 2 – Over-Time Mystery

A. Cover Up: Bettina hides the details of her falling out with her wealthy family. She claims she wants independence but there’s more to it.

B. Secret: Her family cut her off for marrying someone they disapproved of. She never got over the rejection.

C. Reveals: Flashbacks show her whirlwind courtship and heartbreak. Present day scenes suggest the spouse may return to expose truths.

Here are two more mysteries focused on Adrianna and Binley:

Mystery 3 – Shocking Event

A. Shocking Event: Adrianna’s husband has a sudden debilitating accident.

B. Secret: Adrianna intentionally caused the accident to get revenge for his cheating.

C. Investigation: Adrianna covers her tracks but suspicious clues suggest she knows more than she’s saying.

Mystery 4 – Over Time

A. Cover Up: Binley hides the full details of how he got the money to invest in the startup.

B. Secret: He stole proprietary research from his former colleague who later died by suicide.

C. Reveals: Binley discovers his friend’s orphaned child holds evidence against him that could unravel the truth.

Here are revised mysteries for Sabra:

Mystery 5 – Shocking Event

A. Shocking Event: Sabra’s biological child’s adoptive parents move to her town.

B. Secret: She never revealed the identity of the biological father to the adoption agency.

C. Investigation: Sabra tries to discover if the adoptive parents know the father’s identity without revealing her own past.

Mystery 6 – Over Time

A. Cover Up: Sabra spreads gossip about an affair between Adrianna and Binley.

B. Secret: She fabricated the affair to break them up and stop Binley pursuing Adrianna romantically.

C. Reveals: Her lies are exposed when Adrianna and Binley reveal they barely know each other, devastating the team’s trust in Sabra.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Empathy/Distress

What I learned doing this assignment is that doing this more often makes it easier.

Assignment 1

Show: The Morning Show

Alex:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Her co-anchor has committed sexual assault and it reflects on her

External Character Conflicts: Fights with network execs, her daughter, her producer, her new co-anchor

Plot intruding on life: She must choose between being there for her husband and daughter and former co-anchor.

Moral dilemmas: Should she throw her former co-anchor under the bus or somehow look complicit

Forced decisions they’d never make: Must choose between her own job, her integrity, and her friendship with Mitch

Empathy:

Character in Distress: She’s being considered for dismissal because of her age and her association with Mitch

More relatable: She worries — about her looks, her age, her power

Universal emotional experiences: Being unfairly blamed for another’s conduct, losing her husband because of neglect, having a rebellious teen, having a new co-anchor she can’t trust, knowing her boss is out for himself.

Bradley:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Her brother screws up each time in rehab and her mother blames her

External Character Conflicts: Fights more or less with Alex, her mother and brother

Plot intruding on life: After letting off steam with the girls, she does something despicable and ends up confessing to her boss

Moral dilemmas: Does she support Alex who she has never respected, use her as a role model and team with her, or try to take her down and become the top dog.

Forced decisions they’d never make: Must choose between her knack and passion for exposes and The Morning Show format

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Drinks to relieve stress — in other words, is self-destructive when under pressure

More relatable: Has a crappy, low class family who doesn’t understand or care about the pressure she’s under

Universal emotional experiences: Fear of screwing up, fear of being “found out”, self-loathing after a drunken night

Assignment 2:

My show:

Adrianna:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Husband crippled in accident

External Character Conflicts: Needs money to keep family afloat and Bettina won’t fund her in the short term.

Plot intruding on life: The inventions being stolen ruins her plans to provide for her family.

Moral dilemmas: Relies on Zane for comfort, support but husband is feeling abandoned

Forced decisions they’d never make: Will she seduce Zane, the man whose parents caused her husband’s accident, in hopes he will solve her financial issues or miss a payment to the bank?

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Undue financial distress caused by accident

More relatable: Stressed and wants intimacy as a release, but can’t bring herself to cheat

Universal emotional experiences: Husband feeling useless, kids missing out due to financial stress, feeling pressure to provide for the family.

Zane:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Loses parents and must somehow become the head of their construction company

External Character Conflicts: Adrianna holds his parents responsible for her husband’s condition and wants monetary support for him, but he doesn’t have it to provide

Plot intruding on life: The inventions were supposed to provide some financial relief for them all, but when they are stolen, they are all screwed financially.

Moral dilemmas: Does he hack into other companies in order to win a few bids and keep the company afloat?

Forced decisions they’d never make: Does he violate the order that says he’ll work for the government and never go rogue again or does he let his parents’ company go under and put 1/3 of the town’s breadwinners go under?

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Adrianna is pressuring him, he’s getting no respect from the foremen of the company, he’s winning no bids for additional work and is suspected by all for the theft of the inventions

More relatable: Is truly trying to do his best and feeling like the underdog and in danger at every turn.

Universal emotional experiences: Loss of parents, feelings of responsibility to the company, his parents, Adrianna’s husband and the town.

Bettina:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Because men took advantage of her for her money, her parents have her on a very short leash at the bank.

External Character Conflicts: Bettina is feeling pressure on all sides to fund the inventions, fund the store, bail out Adrianna.

Plot intruding on life: The inventions were supposed to alleviate these money stresses and they have not.

Moral dilemmas: Does she turn down truly needy people or become a money-grubbing greedy banker like her parents? Can she raise the money any other way?

Forced decisions they’d never make: Should she mortgage her own house and use personal loans to do what she thinks her parents should have done?

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Bettina is very lonely, but suspicious of any man’s attention having been burned so many times. Her parents are on her to show more profit at the bank, inventors are after her for backing money.

More relatable: Bettina is trying to be a decent human being instead of greedy and nothing seems to work.

Universal emotional experiences: Lonely, feeling used by all men who date her, subjected to Sabra’s rumors that she sold out the inventors at her parents’ direction, etc.

Sabra:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Gave away baby at her parents’ insistence and regrets it deeply. She was so young. Store owners retired due to health and demand same profits they made which leaves here with almost no money.

External Character Conflicts: Store owners want their money every month, other inventors push her to provide some funding too, share “credit” for being an inventor with others when they are her ideas, People shun her because she knows more than they do about what’s going on locally and shares it.

Plot intruding on life: The stolen inventions make her suspect everyone. She came up with them and doesn’t benefit at all.

Moral dilemmas: Does she go to an outside agency to try to get additional inventions developed/made or will she be taken advantage of there just as much as here?

Forced decisions they’d never make: Does she pursue finding her child or have another one out of wedlock to cure the ache she feels? Who would be hurt by it?

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Needs to keep local prices affordable, but come up with money for owners. Sees her best inventions stolen by someone unknown. Can’t trust anyone.

More relatable: Being pressure by deserving couple who left her in charge. Working hard and getting nowhere.

Universal emotional experiences: Losing a child, working harder and not getting ahead, having ideas stolen, not getting full credit for the ideas she comes up with.

Binley:

Distress:

Undeserved misfortune: Thought it was steal the idea from his partner or have it stolen.

External Character Conflicts: Old friend committed suicide when his idea was stolen. friend’s parents hate him. His school will fire him if they find out what he did. Wants to give money for inventions and be part of the group, but he soon finds they are curious about his money source in the extreme.

Plot intruding on life: He can’t enjoy any of the money he made because people would suspect what he did. The current inventions would allow him to go back to his old life with impunity, but he can’t seem to make money from the new inventions due to the thefts.

Moral dilemmas: Does he fund the group and move away after 1 or 2 “hits” or does he try to quietly give them funding without raising questions about where the money is coming from?

Forced decisions they’d never make: He found the plot his old friend had to sell their mutual developed idea out from under him and sold it first, planning to share the money with his partner. It was kill or be killed, right?

Empathy:

Character in Distress: Friend killed himself before he could explain that he had not betrayed him.

More relatable: Has money, wants to help, but can’t explain where it came from.

Universal emotional experiences: Grief over loss of friend, lust for an out of reach local girl, not fitting in with other teachers, unable to explain his real circumstances to anyone due to shame and guilt.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Relationship Map

What I learned from this assignment is that my characters and their interrelationships are beginning to grow and so are plot lines.

My show: The Morning Show

Relationship map for Alex

Alex and Bradley

• Surface: Friends when on air, distrust when not
• Common Ground: Both are trying to make the show succeed
• Conflict: Alex doesn’t trust Bradley so alternately is her friend or her domineering “boss”
• History: Alex picked Bradley for the role simply to exercise power. Bradley took the role because it would get her money
• Subtext: Alex envies Bradley for her youth and lack of show history
• Relationship Arc: Alex goes from big sister to Bradley to relying on her like a trusted friend.

Alex and Chuck

• Surface: Alex treats Chuck like a peon, yet knows he is looking out for her
• Common Ground: Both want to retain their jobs.
• Conflict: Chuck is more in bed (and in tune with) the show execs so while he understands Alex, he wants to keep her under control as his execs demand
• History: They’ve been on the show together for years and Chuck has always tried to smooth over things to keep Alex in line
• Subtext: Chuck is Alex’s whipping boy
• Relationship Arc: As his own job longevity is dwindling, Alex becomes more his boss than someone he dictates to. She seems more in control of the show than he does.

Alex and Cory

• Surface: Alex pretends to take orders from Cory then does her own thing
• Common Ground: To keep the morning show on top snd to keep their jobs
• Conflict: Alex refuses to take orders for the newcomer and he refuses to knuckle under to her
• History: He’s new, she’s a long timer on the show and now he’s trying to make his mark and save his job.
• Subtext: She’s more powerful than he is
• Relationship Arc: Alex is learning that he will cover for her in order to keep his job and she is finding that useful. They are beginning to support each other simply by “just going with it” when one of them makes a rash decision.

Assignment 2: My show

Adrianna — 30-something frustrated stay-at-home mom and inventor/prototyper.

Zane — 20-something construction company owner (following parents’ demise) who is a hacker for the government on the sly.

Adrianna and Zane:

Surface: Zane relies on Adrianna’s prototyping capability and they are friends even though she is older than him. She is wary of him because he is a hacking criminal (arrested in college) but she relies on him for computer help.

Common Ground: Both want to make a killing with their inventions/products and are disappointed when they are stolen.

Conflict: Zane’s construction company wants to take down her dad’s old store to increase the size of the fire station next to it.

History: She babysat Zane when she was in high school so always feels she has the right/ability to tell him what to do.

Subtext: She thinks he’s a wayward kid and treats him like he needs supervision while he thinks she’s trying to keep him under her thumb.

Relationship Arc: They go from enthusiastic product producers to angry/bitter enemies where the old store is concerned and suspicion about Zane’s out of town trips and motivations. His hostility toward her “advice” makes her more suspicious of his motivations given his criminal history.

Adrianna and Bettina:

Surface: They have been friends since early childhood and were classmates throughout school. They are friendly, but not as close as they used to be. Things cooled when Bettina took over the bank.

Common Ground: They have town history and an enduring, lifelong friendship that would be difficult to break. They may fight, but they know each other so well and have so much shared history that their friendship always returns.

Conflict: Bettina doesn’t support Adrianna about the store (Zane’s taking it to be the fire department addition) and funds the new building against Adrianna’s wishes. Adrianna is sick of Bettina’s bad choices in men and subsequent surprise/heartbreak when they dump her.

History: They have shared history and sometimes conflicting reminiscences about their mutual history.

Subtext: Bettina feels like a failure and envies Adrianna. Adrianna pities Bettina about her poor radar about men, but envies her the financial and social freedom she has.

Relationship Arc: They have spats and suspicions over lots of things, but the friendship always comes back because it is so deep.

Adrianna and Sabra:

Surface: Casual to cool friendship. Great collaboration on new products — Sabra dreams them up and Adrianna makes them real.

Common Ground: Love and support the home town and the excitement of the products they come up with.

Conflict: Disagree about who is the inventor — the idea person or the one who works out the bugs and prototypes them.

History: Sabra spread rumors about Adrianna’s husband’s accident even though she knew nothing. Adrianna suspects Sabra of having had a crush on her husband before his accident.

Subtext: Adrianna doesn’t trust Sabra around her husband or her children who Sabra seems to like a little too much. Sabra is envious of Adrianna’s loving family life.

Relationship Arc: They go from enthusiastic co-workers on the inventions to bickering about who gets credit for “inventing things”, jealousy over Adrianna’s family life, bad credit for Adrianna’s struggling family and Adrianna’s resentment of Sabra’s constant rumor mongering.

Adrianna and Binley:

Surface: Adrianna and Binley collaborate on the science of their inventions and love the thrill of creating something new. They are good friends and great coworkers.

Common Ground: They both love the science and nuances of inventing/developing new products.

Conflict: Binley bankrolls the products minimally, but doesn’t share more about his apparent wealth. After all, he’s just a science teacher. He suspects Adrianna of leaking the designs to the university group since she has them and developed them for her CNC equipment and 3D printer.

History: Adrianna and her husband welcomed him to town when he came and she bonded with him while her husband resented the newcomer and it is a constant source of marital bickering.

Subtext: Adrianna has a crush on Binley, but he has no interest in her at all. He treats her like a coworker, not a personal friend. Her work husband only. He thinks of her as a production worker rather than an engineer/scientist, so sees her as an underling rather than equal.

Relationship Arc: As Adrianna’s crush grows and her bickering with her husband about him increases, Adrianna tries to get closer to him and he becomes colder and more domineering as she confides her money trouble to him and he feels guilty because he can’t help her. Her husband also threatens him so he tries to cool the relationship while still needing to work with her on the products.

Zane and Bettina:

Surface: Friendly, businesslike

Common Ground: Both are in their hometown. Bettina is aware he is losing bids at the company and floats him loans now and then.

Conflict: Zane wants a bigger loan for a project, but Bettina doesn’t have it to give. Zane has hacked into the bank and knows she doesn’t have authorization to make the loans.

History: In high school, Bettina had a thing for Zane’s dad. He vaguely remember a time when she was at the house and when he saw her, his dad rushed her out of the house.

Subtext: Zane always has something on Bettina. She is intimidated by this twerp, but also knows his business is flailing.

Relationship Arc: Bettina and Zane go from enthusiasm for the products to suspicion about each other’s motives and honesty.

Zane and Sabra:

Surface: Enthusiasm for the products and each other’s roles in making the inventions a reality.

Common Ground: Both are running businesses at a young age although Sabra is only a manager while Zane is an owner. Both have issues with suppliers, etc. that they commiserate on.

Conflict: Sabra suspects Zane of betraying the group and making a profit off it. He resents her for all of the rumors about his company, his management ability and blabbing about their inventions.

History: Sabra dated Zane in late high school. He was too immature for her, but she fed his ego. He still thinks about their hot times together and she would rather forget since his arrest for hacking.

Subtext: He thinks she’s hot. She thinks he is too, but doesn’t trust him farther than she can throw him.

Relationship Arc: They go from happy teammates to lusting after each other, to suspecting each other of treachery.

Zane and Binley:

Surface: Cordial, but cold. Like to joke around and one-up each other with humor.

Common Ground: Same age and on the hunt for success and women. Both have something to hide or that they wish would be forgotten. Both hate Sabra’s rumor mongering.

Conflict: Each suspects the other of the sabotage/sale of their ideas/products. Binley because of Zane’s illegal hacking and Zane because of Binley’s money from “nowhere”

History: Binley has heard from his basketball-on-the-park-court buds that Zane doesn’t know what he’s doing with the business. Zane is initially impressed with Binley’s knowledge and enthusiasm.

Subtext: Mutual distrust, always in competition for something — anything from who is funniest, most attractive to women, most successful, etc. A couple of roosters.

Relationship Arc: They go from initial friendship to deep suspicion.

Bettina and Sabra:

Surface: Enthusiasm for the project, but Bettina gets cold whenever Sabra starts gossiping

Common Ground: They both want the projects/inventions to succeed and make them all a lot of money.

Conflict: Bettina knows that Sabra gossips about her. Sabra wants a loan to buy out the absentee owners, but Bettina won’t fund her.

History: Sabra gossiped about all of Bettina’s exes making it known to everyone and clear to Bettina that the men were only after her family’s money.

Subtext: Bettina would like to see Sabra get a little of the payback she’s owed in the gossip department. Sabra wants to suck up just enough to get her loan.

Relationship Arc: They are both enthusiastic supporters of the project, but that deteriorates as the rumors grow, the products are beaten to market and a leak becomes obvious.

Bettina and Binley:

Surface: Binley talks money with Bettina, but she tries to dodge the subject saying it’s not appropriate for her bank to fund a business she’s involved in. It would look like a conflict of interest.

Common Ground: They both want what’s best for the business and both understand business and money matters well.

Conflict: Binley wants her to step up and fund the projects and she keeps saying now. She wonders where his money is coming from and why it’s not in her bank.

History: Bettina was drawn to Binley originally, but his constant talk of money has made her wary of him. He’s just after her money too.

Subtext: Binley wants Bettina, but she is hot and cold. Double entendres fly, but are then coldly shut down when Bettina realizes that she might be slipping into another relationship with a greedy man.

Relationship Arc: They go from initial attraction to more distance with Binley hurt, Bettina suspicious and both drawn to each other. They become the will they or won’t they couple.

Sabra and Binley:

Surface: Pleasant chatter, mutual respect, no depth of relationship

Common Ground: They both want the products to succeed. Both want the town to do better.

Conflict: Sabra gossips way to much for Binley’s taste. Binley won’t give Sabra any of his history or info on his family.

History: Sabra initially came on to Binley and he shut her down hard due to her constant questions and constant gossip.

Subtext: She is hot for him, he is no longer hot for her. He wants someone else.

Relationship Arc: They initially flirt a little, but gradually things cool until Sabra is suspicious of his funding and his continued outsider, mysterious source of money.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment: Every episode of a BW show I watch leaves me depressed because the people are their own worst enemies and do really stupid things.

Show: The Morning Show

Alex Levy:

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: She survives The Morning Show fiasco
Fear: She will go down with Mitch because she knew what Mitch was doing.

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: To feel safe
Need: To be in control of her own destiny

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Hatred for men who take advantage of women
Public Mask: Always in control and unafraid of men

D. Weaknesses

Flattery gets you a little bit “somewhere”; Affection for Mitch

E. Triggers

Someone telling her she’s out of the loop or made a mistake

F. Coping Mechanism

Biting sarcasm, one-upmanship

Bradley

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: She’s not in over her had
Fear: She has no real friends in NY

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: To feel safe and have some semblance of self-assurance (for real, not a mask)
Need: A sense of security and safety

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Anger
Public Mask: Self-assurance

D. Weaknesses

Drinks too much; Doesn’t deal with stress well

E. Triggers

Apparently, her dad or memories of what he did when she was a kid; Any dare.

F. Coping Mechanism

Drinking

Assignment 2:

Adrianna

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: To have enough money to get her kids educated and launched
Fear: Her day job simply won’t be enough

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: Wants her husband whole and capable again.
Need: Financial Security

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Anger that her husband can no longer be her helpmate
Public Mask: That she’s doing fine in spite of, for all intents and purposes, losing her husband

D. Weaknesses

Anything her husband or kids need; petty jealousy

E. Triggers

Any hint that she’s less than the average man

F. Coping Mechanism

Works harder

Zane:

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: To redeem himself in the town’s eyes since he can’t redeem himself in his parents’
Fear: He will fail and be the screwup they always thought he was.

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: To be respected
Need: To keep the business afloat and his hacker life a secret

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Self-loathing
Public Mask: Self confidence, humility

D. Weaknesses

Hates being talked down to as though he were ignorant

E. Triggers

Having “Your parents always…” thrown at him

F. Coping Mechanism

Hacks to get what he needs and boost his confidence

Bettina:

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: She can make a difference in the world
Fear: She will squander all her money and not have made a difference

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: Change the bank’s image to one of benevolence and kindness
Need: To be respected as a banker and a human being

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Loneliness
Public Mask: Kind, caring person

D. Weaknesses

Low self-esteem and little trust in men

E. Triggers

Her parents’ treating her like an irresponsible little girl

F. Coping Mechanism

Paternalistic benevolence to the poor and weak in the community at her own expense

Sabra:

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: To own the store and be hailed as the inventor in the team
Fear: The owners will close the store and she will have to live to find another job.

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: Wants recognition and the security of owning the store herself
Need: Financial security, credit for the inventions

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Guilt about lying about her child’s birth circumstances and about giving her up for adoption
Public Mask: Insider who deals in “true” gossip

D. Weaknesses

Conspiracy theories — she believes a lot of what she passes on to others

E. Triggers

Seeing a mother with a child

F. Coping Mechanism

Birthing new ideas and new gossip

Binley:

A. Situational: Hope / Fear

Hope: That Bettina will fall for him
Fear: That someone will find out he cheated his friend to get the money

B. Motivation: Want / Need

Want: To achieve something on his own and be liked for himself
Need: Solace and redemption; Escape from guilt

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask

Base Negative Emotion: Fear of being found out
Public Mask: Great teacher and all-around good guy

D. Weaknesses

Fear of being discovered; Guilt

E. Triggers

Someone stealing ideas from another — brings it all back to him.

F. Coping Mechanism

Online gaming where he can be a victor and not a thief

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intriguing Character Layers

What I learned doing this lesson is that being tasked to come up with the intriguing stuff gave me ideas for lots of show threads. Also that AI has a lot of trite, unoriginal ideas. I did my own list first and think they show more options for a serial show. The AI stuff might be fine for a movie, but not a series.

My BW show to watch: The Morning Show

Alex Levy:

Hidden agendas: She wants to control the show <div>

Competition: Wants to get her contract renewed with her ideas intact.

Conspiracies: Conspires with Bradley to do the show their way

Secrets: Had an affair with Mitch, knew that she wasn’t going to get approval of cohost selection

Deception: Says she’s alright when she definitely isn’t

Wound: Was about to get fired when the show opens

Secret Identity: Strong assertive woman who always gets her way in a man’s world

Bradley:

Hidden agendas: Wants enough money to send her brother back to rehab; wants her mother not to interfere with her brother’s treatment </div><div>

Competition: Wants to keep her spot on the morning show

Conspiracies: Seems to go along with Cory and Charlie, but ready to rebel
Secrets: Has her own ideas about how to report news — an activist

Deception: Pretends to revere Alex, but is sure she can “take her” in an argument or discussion

Wound: Got fired a lot for expressing her opinions and losing her temper

Secret Identity: A crusader who exposes bad actors and can rally a crowd to follow her

New in this episode:

Bradley had an abortion when she was 15 (secret)

Bradley is out of control when she is stressed (secret identity/alter ego)

Alex didn’t know how much of a loose cannon Bradley was when she tied them together. (secret)

Bradley’s hidden agenda was to get the real truth from the woman who filed allegations against Mitch despite the instructions she had been given. (hidden agenda)

Assignment 2:

My characters:

Adrianna: 30-something stay at home mom who finally gets a chance to put her innate talent for rapid prototyping into practice.

Hidden agendas: She wants to control the show </div><div>

Competition: Wants to get her contract renewed with her ideas intact.

Conspiracies: Conspires with Bradley to do the show their way

Secrets: Had an affair with Mitch, knew that she wasn’t going to get approval of cohost selection

Deception: Says she’s alright when she definitely isn’t

Wound: Was about to get fired when the show opens

Secret Identity: Strong assertive woman who always gets her way in a man’s world

Zane: 20-something hacker with a criminal record inherits his parents’ construction company when they are killed in what seems to be a traffic accident and learns to keep the business afloat with his hacking skills.

Hidden agendas: Wants to be smarter than all the people that worked for his parents to redeem himself </div><div>

Competition: Wants to beat his parents’ business rivals and best them at every turn.

Conspiracies: Hacks into competitors’ systems to get information he needs for his own bids and to ensure he can win.

Secrets: Has a top secret clearance because he’s such a good hacker and was recruited by the government to stress test their systems.

Deception: Says he’s going to a relative’s whenever he’s going on a hacking gig for the government.

Wound: Lost his parents before he had a chance to redeem himself in their eyes.

Secret Identity: Government hacker for good, not evil.

Bettina: 30-ish banker who, for some reason, doesn’t have access to her bank-owning family’s money but is the leader and strategist for the inventing crew.

Hidden agendas: Wants to help poor people and change the bank’s image from money-grubbing to kind and generous without losing money for the bank </div><div>

Competition: Find’s Zane intriguing, but thinks Adrianna is after him because they are getting closer all the time.

Conspiracies: Tries to hide losses from bad loans she has made to desperate people — loans her parents never would have made. Covering up the missed payments is getting harder all the time.

Secrets: Has made off the books loans to several desperate (and poor) men who woo her and dump her once she’s given them money.

Deception: Says she’s using a “charity fund” her parents set up when there is no such fund. She has mortgaged her house (that her parents gave her) to fund her “special loans”.

Wound: Is viewed by nearly every man she’s ever dated as a piggy bank, not the love of their life

Secret Identity: Benevolent rich woman with unlimited funds (but only in her imagination and fantasy) which she unfortunately acts on in moments when she desperately wants to be seen as kind, generous and caring.

Sabra: 25-ish grocer who runs the grocery store and comes up with most of the new product ideas.

Hidden agendas: Wants to strike it rich so she can buy the grocery store before its absentee owners close it </div><div>

Competition: Wants to be seen as the shining star inventor in the side hustle, but Bettina constantly credits the inventions as a team effort just because it took everyone to get them out the door.

Conspiracies: Tries to get deals on grocery store inventory. Has a theory about every other member of the team and why they may be selling out the inventions for their own purposes. Deals in conspiracy theories and gossip

Secrets: Her pregnancy and the child she allowed someone else to adopt.

Deception: Stirs the pot with everyone else by claiming she’s sure of things she has no proof of. Tells people she was raped when she had a secret affair with someone she knew in high school.

Wound: Desperately wants her baby back or to have more children.

Secret Identity: The Thomas Edison of her small town.

Binley: A 22-yo science teacher at the school who bankrolls the inventions with very minimal amounts of cash. He’s new in town, but is gung ho for the inventing business.

Hidden agendas: Wants to impress Bettina with his capability and personality, not his money which he’s afraid to tell anyone about since he didn’t really come by it honestly. </div>

Competition: Wants to be seen as the best teacher in the school, so he “goes big” on all things science, not making friends with his fellow teachers by seemingly trying to show them up.

Conspiracies: Has his own ideas about how their inventions are being stolen and suspects each of the others for different reasons than Sabra has.

Secrets: His big bundle of money that he got by selling out his friend’s idea as his own.

Deception: Hides his true wealth and his own backstory as it may lead to the friend he cheated.

Wound: Hates himself for stealing his friend’s idea, but can’t go back and change things.

Secret Identity: A wealthy guy who has zero self-confidence in anyone liking him for himself.

AI Gave me a lot of trite stuff I won’t be using.

Here are the intriguing layers for each of the main characters:

**Adrianna**:

– Hidden Agenda: Wants to prove herself as more than just a mom

– Competition: Rivalry with stay-at-home parent friends

– Conspiracy: Suspicious her husband’s death wasn’t an accident

– Secret: Has a prescription drug addiction

– Deception: Lies about being a widow to gain sympathy

– Wound: Feels stuck in an unfulfilling life

**Zane**:

– Hidden Agenda: Using business as cover for criminal hacking

– Competition: Rival hackers want in on his scams

– Conspiracy: Parents’ death may have been a hit

– Secret: He never graduated college

– Deception: Pretends to be a legitimate businessman

– Wound: Orphaned at a young age

**Bettina:**

– Hidden Agenda: Prove she can succeed without family help

– Competition: Jealousy toward old money elites

– Conspiracy: Cut off from trust fund against her will

– Secret: Has huge insecurities about self-worth

– Deception: Hides massive wealth from others

– Wound: Family rejection has left deep scars

**Sabra:**

– Hidden Agenda: Escape boredom of small town life

– Competition: Rivalry with grocery conglomerate

– Conspiracy: Suspicious supplier sabotage

– Secret: Gave a baby up for adoption as a teen

– Deception: Pretends she’s never been married or had kids

– Wound: Regrets giving up her child

**Binley:**

– Hidden Agenda: Obsession with one of the other founders

– Competition: Jealousy of anyone else who woos his crush

– Conspiracy: He moved here specifically to join this startup

– Secret: He was fired from his last teaching job

– Deception: Exaggerates his investing abilities

– Wound: Crippling loneliness

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing this lesson: If I had already assigned professions to my characters and provided them to the AI, the AI assumed it could start from scratch. Rather irritating, but I’ll integrate my professions and positions in the community to my characters later in this process.

The Morning Show Main characters:

Alex Levy

A. Role in the show: Anchor <div>

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: To exercise control as the lead anchor

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Alex is running on instinct.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Alex is taking big risks by wresting control from the execs.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Alex runs on instinct. She does whatever she feels is in her own and the show’s best interest

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Alex is getting older, knows she was going to be replaced and is desperate to keep her position as top dog.

Bradley Jackson

A. Role in the show: New Co-Anchor </div><div>

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Honest, uncompromising and sure of who she is.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Bradley knows she is probably going to screw this up just like she always has

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Bradley is trusting Alex who she knows is not following the rules of her own contract so she knows she is following someone who is probably leading her astray

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Bradley erupts when pushed or stressed.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Bradley is on a new journey and must choose at every turn who she should use as her north star.

Assignment 2:

Journey: Adrianna goes from typical stay at home mom to rapid prototyping genius when her youngest starts school.

Characters that sell the show: Adrianna and Zane

Role in the show:

Adrianna: 30-something stay at home mom who must put her innate talent for rapid prototyping into practice to provide for her family.

Zane: 20-something hacker with a criminal record inherits his parents’ construction company when they are killed in what seems to be a traffic accident and learns to keep the business afloat with his hacking skills.

Unique Purpose/Expertise:

Adrianna: Expertise: Has skills in prototyping and fabrication and invests in a 3D printer to help bring her creations to life.

Purpose: To make enough money to send her kids to college by the time the first one graduates.

Zane: Expertise: Computer hacking and machinery hacking

Purpose: To prove to his hometown that he’s more than his past mistakes

Intrigue:

Adrianna: Her past includes working part time for a tech support company that was a scam.

Zane: He was a hacker that only got caught once.

Moral Issue:

Adrianna: When each new product fails to reach its predicted profit, will she resort to running scams to get the money she needs?

Zane: Will Zane use his hacking skills to beat his competitor’s bids on construction projects?

Unpredictable:

Adrianna: Each time her kids need more money, she comes up with a new riskier scam to make money.

Zane: Every time Zane gets bested on a construction bid, he hacks deeper into his competitors’ businesses to try to learn why they were able to make money and beat his bid.

Empathetic:

Adrianna: Her husband recently suffered a serious brain injury (self-inflicted) in a hunting accident so they have no income. She’s always done whatever it takes to keep food on the table and money for the things her kids need and has to step it up now that she’s the sole breadwinner.

Zane: Zane’s parents and the town see Zane only as a screwup who was an inept hacker who got caught. He worked on the business’s books in high school, but doesn’t know what the experience company workers do so they try to scam him out of the company’s profits.

My AI Generated Characters:

Adrianna Foxfire:

A. Role: The Builder

B. Expertise: Prototyping and fabrication

C. Intrigue: Running a side hustle tech support scam

D. Moral Issue: Deceiving vulnerable people for money

E. Unpredictable: Will she sabotage the startup for her own gain?

F. Empathetic: We see her struggle to break the cycle of deceit.

Zane Ragsdale:

A. Role: The Designer

B. Expertise: Creative direction and branding

C. Intrigue: Has a criminal record for hacking

D. Moral Issue: Using illicit skills to get ahead

E. Unpredictable: Will he resort to hacking competitors?

F. Empathetic: He wants to prove he’s more than his past mistakes.

</div>

Bettina Harding:

A. Role: The Visionary

B. Expertise: Leadership and strategy

C. Intrigue: Has a secret trust fund

D. Moral Issue: Deceiving the team about her wealth

E. Unpredictable: Will she bail if things get tough?

F. Empathetic: Wants to prove she can succeed without family money.

Sabra Sheffield:

A. Role: The Innovator

B. Expertise: Product development

C. Intrigue: Gave up a child for adoption

D. Moral Issue: Keeping her past a secret

E. Unpredictable: Will her child come looking for her?

F. Empathetic: Longs for a second chance at motherhood.

Binley Marco:

A. Role: The Capital

B. Expertise: Providing startup funds

C. Intrigue: Secretly in love with a co-founder

D. Moral Issue: Undeclared motives for investing

E. Unpredictable: Will he withdraw support if unrequited?

F. Empathetic: We root for him to confess his love.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing this assignment:

Even though I had a group of characters I wanted to use, adding in the AI generated info gave me some intrigue without needing to make any ONE of my characters into a “bad guy” — a definitive antagonist. I think this gives me more options for making any of my people the bad guy in any episode/situation over the course of the series.

Assignment 1:

Watch the next episode of your Example Show to see how the characters fit into these three circles:

Main Characters Circle:

Alex, Bradley, Mitch

Chip aka Charlie

B. Connected Circle:

Jason – husband

Lizzie – Daughter

Cory – Network exec

Sarah – Alex’s Agent??

Fred – Exec

Claire – PA on TMS

Daniel – Political Science co-anchor

Hannah – booker

Cecily – Cory’s assistant

C. Environment Circle:

Rena – schedule??

Mia

Mitch’s business manager

Audra — competing morning show host (Mindy Kaling)

Maggie – MC for award event

Assignment 2:

1. Create the three circles of characters for your show.

A. Main Characters

Bettina Harding – The Visionary

Unique Role: Leader of the startup team <div>

Intrigue: Has a secret trust fund

<div>

Adrianna Foxfire – The Builder

Unique Role: In charge of prototyping and fabrication

Intrigue: Running a side hustle tech support scam

Sabra Sheffield – The Innovator

Unique Role: Developing the product concepts

Intrigue: Gave a child up for adoption years ago

Zane Ragsdale – The Designer

Unique Role: Creative director and branding lead

Intrigue: He stole startup ideas from his previous job and passed them off as his own.

5. Roman Foxfire – The Promoter

Unique Role: Marketing and partnerships lead </div><div>

Intrigue: Addicted to ransacking abandoned buildings and places that he’s hiding.

Binley Marco – The Capital

Unique Role: Funding the startup with his inheritance

Intrigue: He’s secretly in love with one of the other founders

B. Connected Characters:

Bettina’s ex – A wealthy ex-fiance who wants her back and sabotages the business.
Adrianna’s mother – Disapproving parent who clashes with her ambitions. </div><div>

Eccentric VC – Offers funding but wants full control.

C. Environment Characters:

Bank Loan Officer </div>

Cafe Owner

High School Teacher

Local Reporter

Factory Workers

Farmers

Town Council Members

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

The Morning Show 5 Star Model

What I learned doing this assignment is that a lot of tiny one-liners or one-looks were used to hint at things to come, but were not explained in any way. Interesting characters were thrown in for brief roles in the pilot with their motivations at odds with those of other characters. The framework of the world being explored was clearly laid out.

Big Picture Hooks —

The show is like a family and when one parent steps way out of line (dies), what does the rest of the family do?
What if the man in TV’s “morning couple” is replaced by a woman?

2. Amazing and Intriguing Character

1. Alex — Mother, divorced, has had an affair with a coworker, worried about her job, worried about her age affecting her job, been doing the job for 15 years and is very good at it, works really hard — the show is her life, is set adrift when her co-anchor (who she had an affair with and who is now fired because of workplace sexual misconduct) is fired.

2. Bradley — passionate about reporting, conservative, smart (knows when to hold her tongue), has family baggage, has career baggage as she flies off the handle too much, known as 2 Fucks Jackson.

3. Empathy / Distress

Alex:

1. “Lost” her cohost/best friend of 15 years and is enraged and grieving at the same time.

2. Her daughter isn’t as “there for her” as she thought when she showed up at her apartment after the firing. That’s disappointing.

3. Worried about her looks fading or looking tired or older as it could get her fired.

4. Her contract negotiation was held up. Is she getting fired instead of renewed?

5. Will the public respond to her grief or think it fake the way she thinks Bradley’s display of rage was fake?

Bradley:

1. Cares about the story and the people behind it.

2. Has a brother who is an addict who she has tried to help but he seems to screw it up every time.

3. Has a mother who is lonely and counteracts her attempts to help her brother

4. Does not have a stellar reputation at work even though it is her passion

5. Is a fish out of water in NYC

4. Layers / Open Loops

1. How will Bradley and Alex get along as co-anchors?

2. Will Bradley replace Alex (obviously not since Aniston is the star to The Morning Show 🙂 show, but….)

3. What is Alex’s relationship with her daughter and ex-husband. There is clearly more there.

4. What is in it for all of the folks that were brainstorming at Alex’s apartment?

5. Will Chip survive the chopping block as well if he can keep Alex from being fired?

6. How will Bradley cope in NYC? Will she blow up her chances there too?

7. Will Bradley’s brother stay clean?

8. What’s up with Bradley’s mother?

9. What is Mitch planning to do with the gun?

10. What is the weatherman’s reaction going to be when he doesn’t replace Mitch?

11. Will the network morning show survive the scandal?

5. Inviting Obsession

1. There are a lot of questions, subjects for exploration

2. A lot of characters were introduced in snippets that left questions in their wake.

Hannah, Cody, other executives, Chip, other producers, directors, Alex’s ex-husband, Mitch’s wife and kids, Mitch’s agent, Alex’s agent, the roomful of people at Alex’s, Bradley’s mother and brother, Bradley’s ex-boss, assistants and makeup artists.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Janeen Johnson]

1. Janeen Johnson

2. I’ve written 7 movie scripts and 2 BW TV pilots/bibles

3. I want to get better at using AI to improve marketability.

4. I’ve moved 36 times in the last 50 years and lived all over the country.

5. I don’t remember which Pro Series or BW TV I was in, but took both.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is that I needed to modify, move, and add scenes to move my secondary character from old ways to new ways throughout the screenplay so I made many changes.

I also added scenes where the bad guys get reinforcements that didn’t ask for (assassins to kill them since they screwed up).

I won’t include the beat sheet here since it’s getting long and I have to number it by hand because I can’t figure out how to get the software to do it for me.

I’m up to 113 scenes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s not always easy to find movies “like mine”. I had to broaden the definition to get more producers.

The Empowerment Guild

DRAMA

LOFLINE: A wealthy fashionista uses mind control techniques to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

I found 13 producers so far and have a list of their names, projects, and contact info.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Project and Market

What I learned today is that I had been considering who to send this to already and now had to put it in words.

LOGLINE: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

GENRE: Drama

2. Most Attractive about the story: The Empowerment Guild offers strong roles for actors who want to be more than pretty faces. It also explores the power of the mind in helping people who would be impossible to reach any other way.

3. I will probably target the production companies of certain actresses and producers first.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Scene Ratings

What I learned doing this assignment is that I still have information dumps where the dialogue and character traits need to be bumped up to make them more interesting.

My lowest rated scenes are just establishing shots — a few seconds. I’m not going to worry about those.

My highest rated scenes tended to be the action scenes and those with the dog. That’s to be expected since their sole purpose is to entertain (and, of course, tell the story, but they are designed to entertain).

The in between scenes — E4 – E7 — had more exposition and dialogue than others and could stand to have their dialogue pumped up and some more interesting “things” crop up in the scenes.

BEATS

ACT 1

1. (E6) INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING

Nick’s spartan apartment, the only bright spots are his tiny Christmas tree, the Santa suit, and Grizzly, his service dog.

2. (E9) EXT. WAR ZONE – DAY

Nick relives the failed military mission in the war zone where one of his men is killed.

3. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly licks his ear to get him out of the war nightmare.

4. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Nick’s dream morphs into a love scene with the beautiful woman from the mall, Ivy.

5. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly notes that Nick is now relaxed and wakes him. Nick thanks/trusts Grizzly.

6. (E8) INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY – MORNING

Rudy and Holly are trying to get the mall Santa’s names from their CIA and social contacts. Ivy takes out a would-be attacker as a matter of course while escorting them down the hall.

7. (E5) INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

Ivy continues her professional protection. The parents chide her about dating. She reminds them that the last six men she dated, many they set her up with, only wanted access to their son, the President.

8. (E4) INT. MALL – DAY

A rogue FBI agent disburses his men to their attack positions. Then he accompanies the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent (Ivy) in the mall. Ivy feels superior to him because the FBI didn’t detect the guy she just killed in the apartment hallway.

9. (E6) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick recognizes Ivy as the woman from his dream. Grizzly confirms it. Nick’s elf identifies the party as the President’s parents while Santa Nick deals with sticky-handed kids on his lap. Nick spots Danser with a gun following the parents.

10. (E5) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Danser shoots Ivy.

11. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick hears the shot, Grizzly verifies it’s real, he dumps the kid on his lap, loads up Grizzly in her helmets and runs toward the shot.

12. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick instinctively neutralizes the bad guys using a creche manger, sees Ivy is “dead”, takes the mall cop’s Segway for the parents and ties up the bad guys with Christmas tree lights — still attached to the trees.

13. (E8) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

The parents intimidate the mall cop sent by Nick to protect them as they careen slowly down the hall toward the exit.

14. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick exits the locker room with his go bag and Donner is waiting to shoot him. Nick breaks Donner’s arm drags Donner into the locker room.

15. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Nick tells his male elf there is a sick guy in the stall in back and runs with his go bag.

16. (E6) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

The parents continue hitting kiosks in the mall as they head to the exit on the Segway and discuss Ivy’s death, noting that she should have checked out Dasher and his men overnight and she would have known they were not legit.

17. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick defeats and ties up Pranzer using improvised weapons, items from mall kiosks.

18. (E7) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Holly and Rudy careen into a few more kiosks and finally reach the mall door.

19. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Pranzer is bound by scarves and belts to a massage chair. Nick picks up his go bag and runs toward the exit.

20. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick rounds a corner to find mammoth Blitzenkreig contemplating shooting the mall cop that is with the parents. Nick rolls Grizzly to safety and uses pottery and fighting skills to defeat Blitzenkreig.

21. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Blitzenkreig is tied with macrame plant hangers and Nick retrieves Grizzly from a kiosk worker. Nick runs out the mall door, keys in hand.

22. (E4) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Dasher gets loose, calls his FBI contact to put out an APB on Nick and finds his mercenaries.

23. (E6) INT. NICK’S CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Nick gets the parents in his car, hears the APB on Dasher’s radio for him, asks about Ivy, and Rudy decides he is trustworthy.

ACT 2

24. (E6) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy is still buried in the plush dog pile and shoppers stare and shake their heads.

25. (E7) EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

Nick drives expertly away from the mall, dodging traffic, and finds out the parents clothes have trackers.

26. (E4) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy regains consciousness and hears Dasher is going after Nick and the parents. She calls Joy at the SS, finds out where Nick lives and takes off after him.

27. (E9) INT. NICK’S SUV – DAY

Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan. He trusts his driving skills. Parents do too after they escape Dasher and his men.

28. (E6) INT. PARKING GARAGE – LATER

Nick pulls into the underground parking garage of an apartment complex, unloads the parents and his go bag, covers his car, telling the parents they are going to get rid of the trackers.

29. (E6) INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

Holly and Rudy think this is Nick’s apartment, but Nick pulls clothes from the owner’s closets and tells the parents he dog sits there. He asks if their undies have trackers.

30. (E5) INT. DOG SITTING APT – MOMENTS LATER

Nick returns with underwear, order the parents to change clothes and put everything in the bag. The APB now includes Nick’s car info.

31. (E3) EXT. CAR LOT – DAY
Nick buys a clunker that doesn’t have electronic tracking.

32. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – DAY

Nick drives the clunker, the parents are in the back in ridiculous clothes and Nick reveals he’s taking them to his aunt’s cottage. He believes they will escape because they have no trackers, phones or GPS’s in the car that can be used to track them.

33, (E3) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

Interleave with phone call below.

34. (E5) INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – AFTERNOON

On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll have them soon since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.

35. (E3) INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Ivy calls Joy at the SS office to say she has tracked down Nick. She saw him buy the clunker, but loses him in traffic. She doesn’t know if she can trust Nick, but is following.

36. (E6) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

Interleave with phone call below.

37. (E5) INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands. President demands proof of life.

38. (E4) INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe and the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.

39. (E2) EXT. OPEN HIGHWAY – EVENING
Nick’s clunker flies down the highway.

40. (E9) INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – EVENING

Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follows him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.

41. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT

The parents need a bio break and wheedle Nick into stopping at the next service area.

42. (E4) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

The clunker pulls into the parking lot. Nick cautions HOLLY and RUDY to look down so the cameras can’t capture their faces as they head for the plaza. They find out he was an Army Ranger for 20 years.

43. (E6) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick insists the parents use the family bathroom so he can guard them both at the same time. They object. Nick insists.

44. (E3) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

Dasher’s SUV pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the plaza. Ivy follows them into the lot.

45. (E6) INT. IVY’S CAR – NIGHT

Ivy calls Joy to get Dasher’s SUV disabled and reported stolen.

46. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Blitzenkreig checks out the men’s room and the object. Nick finds a kid’s mitten on the floor.

47. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Dasher causes a stir in the women’s restroom.

48. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick lies to Dasher about who is in the family restroom. Dasher doesn’t recognize him without the Santa suit.

49. (E9) INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly imitates a child to support Nick’s story and Rudy is interrupted midstream.

50. (E4) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick hurries up the parents.

51. (E9) INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Rudy groans and still can’t get the job done.

52. (E9) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

Ivy negotiates for a hippie van and plants a tracker on Nick’s clunker.

53. (E4) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick hustles the parents to his clunker and the kidnappers come out of the plaza. Nick skirts the parking lot so they won’t see where he came from and is ready to accost them. Ivy watches from the hippie van.

###CHOREOGRAPH THE FIGHT SCENE HERE — LOTS OF HOLIDAY WEAPONS.

INTERCUT AS NEEDED with BELOW OBSERVATIONS/CONVERSATIONS

54. (E4) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT

Holly and Rudy watch from the car and are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.

55. (E7) INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT

Ivy, inside the hippie van, debates joining the fray. She makes a call.

56. (E9) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick takes down all of the bad guys using a variety of military fighting skills and great awareness of his surroundings.

57. (E9) INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT

IVY looks very impressed by the picture Joy sent her and Nick’s actions against the agents. She’s starting to get a soft spot for him.

58. (E5) INT. CAR – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy are shocked at Nick’s skills.

###END FIGHT SCENE

59. (E9) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

When the bad guys are subdued and groaning, Nick gathers up their guns and throws them under various cars as he hustles back to the clunker.

60. (E5) EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick gets in his clunker and drives away. Ivy waits in the hippie van, watching DASHER and his gang gather their wits.

ACT 3

61. (E8) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead for a bio break and Grizzly has peed on the FBI radio.

62. (E6) EXT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – CONTINUOUS

Ivy and the parents share info about the FBI radio’s tracker and Nick’s cottage plan, Ivy will see them at the cottage. Ivy removes the tracker from the clunker.

63. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – MOMENTS LATER

NICK opens the front door, slips in. The parents tell Nick about the FBI radio’s tracker.

64. (E9) EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick tosses the FBI radio into an open pickup on a four lane and exits the four lane immediately.

65. (E2) EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick parks the clunker on a side street and walks away taking his go bag.

66. (E3) EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

Nick buys a car from a guy in a quick cash deal.

67. (E4) INT. NICK’S CAR – NIGHT

Nick is in the Santa suit driving down a road and Holly and Rudy are asleep in elf costumes huddled under the Santa suit in the back seat.

67. (E5) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at the service area. Orders Blitzenkreig to kill everyone except the parents when they find them.

68. (E4) EXT. IVY’S CAR – MORNING

Ivy talks to Joy on the phone. She’s found Nick’s great aunt’s house and plans to sneak in. She hides the hippie van nearby and walks back to the house.

69. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

Ivy investigates the house — key was under the mat. It is old lady chic with tons of glass dogs. She hears a car outside, sees it is Nick driving.

70. (E9) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

NICK, again dressed as Santa, gets out of the car and sets Grizzly on the ground. Holly and Rudy are in lederhosen.

71. (E2) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Ivy hears the car door and hides in the closet.

72. (E6) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick sends Grizzly in to see if the house is safe.

73. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly greets Ivy with joy.

74. (E5) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly comes back with the all clear. Nick send Holly and Rudy into the house and takes off to hide the car.

75. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Holly and Rudy are delighted to see Ivy again.

76. (E2) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick hurries up the walk to the house.

77. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick sees Ivy in the dark, thinks she’s dead, is unsure if it’s real or not, but fights with Ivy until Grizzly can finally do her job and let him know everything is OK. Ivy’s alive.

78. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says they should call the President and fill him in and realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup. Dasher will be tracking that by now.

79. (E3) INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy and the parents talk to the President while Nick prepares to dispose of the phone.

80. (E6) EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick trudges across the frozen lake on snow blades to dispose of the phone.

81. (E9) INT. ICE FISHING HUT – MOMENTS LATER

Nick puts the jug with the phone into the hole and pushes it under the ice. Then he leaves the hut to trudge back to the house.

82. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy steps out of the bathroom and Dasher puts a gun to her head.

83. (E3) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – LATER

Nick approaches the back door, picks up a key and enters from the lake side of the house.

84. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick tramps up the steps to the kitchen and Danzer puts a gun to his head while Dasher holds a gun to tied up Ivy’s head.

85. (E6) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Holly and Rudy feign needing the bathrooms and get Dasher and Danzer out of the way so Nick and Ivy can untie each other.

86. (E6) INT. LAKE HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM – DAY

Holly distracts Dasher to give Ivy and Nick time to prepare their offense

87, (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

In a big fight scene, Nick and Ivy defeat and tie up Dasher and Danzer. They plan to leave, but Rudy needs meds.

88, (E8) INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

Nick distracts the occupants in his Santa suit and Ivy steals the meds Rudy needs from their bathroom.

89. (E3) INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

NICK and IVY enter a different lake house, this one decorated for Christmas, but apparently, unoccupied and raid the pantry.

90. (E3) INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Nick bundles up Holly and Rudy while Ivy switches into an elf costume of Nick’s Aunt’s.

91. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Grizzly alerts them that the rest of Dasher’s men have arrived and they quickly head down to the lake level of the house to escape.

92. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – MOMENTS LATER

The parents and Ivy are in the dinghy and Nick is pulling it down a frozen canal.

93. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – LATER

Montage of Nick and Ivy pulling the dinghy and getting exhausted. Changing places, etc.

94. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – LATER

Snowmobilers offer to give them rides and return the dinghy to the Lake House.

95. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

They are all relaxing in the house. Nick is sleeping and Ivy is observing him, then settling in for a nap too. They’d been driving all night so were exhausted.

96. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

IVY steps to the TV and they find that a house to house search is on for the parents. Rudy recognizes Blitzenkreig as an assassin. They are in big trouble.

ACT 4

97. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS

Montage of the 4 improvising weapons out of holiday items.

98. (E8) EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS

Montage continues — they are setting up booby traps outside the house.

99. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – LATER

Set up booby traps on the stairs. Nick spots snowmobiles under tarps and remote starters for the jet skis. Nick and Ivy have a moment.

100. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

They wait in the dark and take their places when Grizzly alerts them that the searchers have arrived.

101. (E9) EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

Nick waits outside while Danser and Donner try to get in the front of the house and Blitzenkreig and Pranzer go around the side. All meet bad times with the booby traps and with Nick who takes out Blitzenkreig and Pranzer and ties them up.

102, (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The rest of the fight occurs indoors using all of the improvised weapons. They think Grizzly has been shot and mourn her when they have succeeded in beating Donner, Danser and Dasher.

103. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

After the fight, Nick holds his head in his hands, lost without Grizzly. Then Grizzly scratches at the door from the toy garage and they all rejoice.

104. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – MOMENTS LATER

Rather than clean up the house, they get on the snowmobiles to go to yet another house.

105. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

Ivy has breakfast cooking, the parents watch the news and hear the President say the name of his first dog which was the “it’s safe now” word. They call the WH. The President tells them to meet a private jet at the airport.

106. (E7) INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

Holly, Rudy and Ivy are in elf costumes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. The president wants Nick to join his parents’ security detail. Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Intros

What I learned doing this assignment is that I probably need still more character traits and subtext in my dialog throughout the script.

Character Intros:

NICK

Nick is asleep in his spartan apartment with his tiny service dog asleep on the nightstand next to the bed.

Nick dreams about a bad day in the war, losing a buddy, shattered.

Grizzly, the service dog licks his ear to get him out of his nightmare.

Nick’s dream morphs into a love scene with the beautiful woman he’s seen at the mall.

Grizzly observes that he’s happy now and barks to wake him up.

Nick scoops up Grizzly and thanks her.

IVY

Ivy exits the apartment of the President’s parents, verbally spars with Rudy about his wife’s lateness, fishes for keys, kills an attacker who rushes her, continues fishing for the keys and exchanging barbs with the President’s parents about their bad attempts at matchmaking for her.

IVY’S NEW INTRO SCENE:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY – MORNING

RUDY, an 80-ish dapper retired-CIA agent with hearing aids and glasses, stands in the hallway of his apartment building, talks on a state of the art cell phone.

RUDY

My wife insists I find out out who the mall Santa is at Century Mall. You owe me.

(pauses for response)

Remember Chile? Who rescued you when you were held hostage by five drug gang guys? Who stopped them from cutting your throat?

(he nods)

You can help me with this.

He pauses.

RUDY

Illegal or not, you WILL help me or I’ll tell your wife that the torture in North Africa left you infertile and it’s not her fault you don’t have kids.

The apartment door opens.

RUDY

Do it.

He quickly, pockets the phone.

IVY, late 30’s, in a stylish, business suit and coat, shoulder holster gun bulge evident, exits the apartment, speaks into her bluetooth headset. Her eyes travel the hall, darting, watching, while her conversation borders on the mundane.

IVY

I’m on the lookout for him.

Calls out into the apartment.

IVY

Holly, we’re waiting in the hall. You’ve got 30 seconds before we leave you at home.

Ivy and Rudy exchange a look. He points to himself.

RUDY

Fifty years of CIA experience and

(points to Ivy)

Fifteen years of Secret Service can’t get that woman out of an apartment in less than half an hour.

IVY

(smiling)

We’re failures.

Rudy does an eye roll. Ivy laughs.

RUDY

(under his breath)

Speak for yourself.

IVY

What did you say?

RUDY

I said you should probably see for yourself if she’s actually coming or if she’s on the phone again.

Ivy fishes a holiday themed key chain crowded with keys out of her pocket.

IVY

You’ve had over fifty years to teach her to be prompt. You’re a bigger failure than I am. At least I’m trying.

A menacing giant of a man in work coveralls enters from the fire escape at the end of the hall.

Ivy pulls her gun.

He rushes her, she fires, hits his shoulder, he keeps coming.

She fires again, hits him between the eyes, he drops like a sack of flour. She holsters her gun.

Goes back to searching for the key she wants on the keychain.

IVY

I can never find your key on this thing.

IVY

(into bluetooth headset)

Need a cleanup in the hallway.

She eyes the big guy on the floor.

IVY

Probably take two people.

The apartment door opens.

HOLLY, 80-ish, attractive, smartly dressed, talks on the phone, exits the apartment.

HOLLY

When you get his name, just leave me a message with it.

She pockets her phone and heads down the hall to the elevator, eyeing the big guy on the floor.

HOLLY

Are we going or not? You can’t expect Mr. Right to find you in a hallway, Ivy. Let’s go to the mall and check out that very interesting Santa.

IVY

We’re going to the mall for exercise, not to satisfy your urge to meddle.

Ivy pushes her earpiece’s button to speak.

IVY

The Clauses are on the move.

The elevator door opens. Ivy pulls her gun, steps in front of Holly and Rudy, checks out the elevator.

HOLLY

Is your buddy getting that name?

RUDY

I doubt it. Against regulations. Did you have any luck?

INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

HOLLY shakes her head.

IVY motions for them to move to the back of the car, watching the hallway carefully as the elevator doors slowly close. Holly and RUDY roll their eyes and chuckle.

RUDY

Just like a real agent.

HOLLY

We’ve got to find her a husband.

IVY

What are you two whispering about.

RUDY

We were just remarking on how professional you look today.

Ivy rolls her eyes, watching the numbers change, gun at the ready.

IVY

May I remind you, the last six guys I dated, most of which were setups from you, only wanted access to your son.

Holly and Rudy exchange rueful glances.

HOLLY

If our son wasn’t the President, it would be a lot easier to find you a husband.

IVY

If your son wasn’t the President, I wouldn’t be stuck with you two.

Rudy and Holly exchange a glance.

RUDY

Touche.

Ivy, waiting on high alert for the elevator doors to open, raises one eyebrow in a triumphant smirk.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is I had thought of many of these things, but hadn’t included them in the script or they had been buried there. Now I have a checklist for improvements to ensure they get in.

Nick:

Core Character Traits:

Leader – expects to be obeyed, not questioned

Kind

Selfless

Doesn’t trust his senses

Character Subtext Logline: It’s better to die yourself than watch someone else die. That’s not selflessness, it’s survival without guilt.

Want/Need: Wants love/Needs to believe in himself before he’ll feel worthy

Character Arc: Goes from Mall Santa and dog sitter to SS agent. From trusting only his dog to determine reality to trusting himself.

Life Metaphor/Identity: It’s better to die yourself than watch someone else die. That’s not selflessness, it’s survival without guilt

Nick’s story:

Beginning: Nick is a loner, working as a mall Santa, but is never sure if he’s in the moment or back in the war.

Middle: Nick sees Ivy, his dream girl, and rescues the parents, unsure of what is going on, but trusting no one, not even the parents.

End: Nick has learned to trust the parents, Ivy and himself.

Nick’s Beats:

1. Nick rescues the parents, trusts no one. Treats the parents like helpless oldsters. <div>

2. Nick tries to go it alone using the resources he has — the pet sitting place, money in his go bag, Grizzly, military skills, driving skills, etc.

3. Nick is caught at the rest area, can’t figure out why, but manages to get away.

4. Nick finds out the radio he kept, that Grizzly peed on, had a built in tracker, but didn’t notice the one on his car. Realizes he is not doing well at this “go it alone” stuff.

5. Trusts Grizzly to check out his Aunt’s house, but doesn’t realize Grizzly likes and already knows Ivy.

6. Fights with Ivy without hurting her because he’s not sure if she’s real. He thought she was dead.

7. Finds out Ivy is not trustworthy either since she still has her cell phone. Believes she has a good heart, though, or maybe it’s just attraction.

8. Finds out Rudy and Holly have skills he didn’t know about. Starts to treat them like allies instead of helpless.

9. Trusts and counts on Ivy, Rudy and Holly during final fight, but loses Grizzly.
Grizzly is alive and all is well.

Improvements: #7 above could be better. Perhaps she trusts him implicitly because Holly and Rudy told her she could and she likes him, and so he tries trusting her and finds that he can. Need a scene where that becomes explicitly true.

Ivy:

Core Character Traits:

Not detail oriented

Wary of Men

Doggedly dutiful

Sarcastic

Character Subtext Logline: Ivy is not very detail oriented and she knows how bad that makes her at her job.

Want/Need: Want: To be a respected professional / Need: to be competent

World View: If anyone is trying to get to the parents, it’s her job to get them out of the way — by arrest or death, it makes no difference

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s haphazard in doing research and attending to details.

Ivy’s Story:

Beginning: Ivy is a solid Secret Service agent, but has lapses in attention to detail that have made the parents wary of her reliability.

Middle: When she didn’t check out Dasher and his men, she put the parents in jeopardy. She’d rather die than have anything happen to them because she couldn’t live with herself if anything happened to the people in her care.

End: She completely trusts Nick who knows her weakness and forgives her for it.

Ivy’s Beats:

1. Ivy takes out a would be attacker of the parents without missing a beat. </div><div>

2. Ivy feels like a little kid when the parents try to fix her up. They treat her like a kid.

3. Ivy likes Nick, but trusts Joy more than herself because Joy is thorough. When Joy says he’s okay, she’s fine with him.

4. Ivy tracks Nick like a champ and puts a tracker on his car.

5. Ivy helps Nick at the truck stop by disabling Dasher’s SUV.

6. Ivy checks on the parents, trusts Nick, warns him about the FBI radio and retrieves her tracker.

7. Ivy checks out the house before the parents and Nick arrive.

8. Ivy tries not to hurt Nick or be hurt by him while trying to convince him she’s alive and well.

9. Ivy follows Nick’s lead.
Ivy and Nick’s no-nonsense work style is complementary.

10. Ivy falls for Nick.

Improvement: Ivy needs to challenge Nick sometimes and carry the day so we know it’s a marriage of equals — they catch each other’s mistakes and respect each other.

Dasher:

Core Character Traits:

Pompous

Immoral

Gullible

Selfish

Character Subtext Logline: If it gets me respect, I’ll do it no matter who the respect comes from

Mission/Agenda: Kidnap for a terrorist group, earn their respect and the admiration of the FBI for such a clever con

What makes this character unique? He’s clueless that he’s dealing with people who are smarter than him in the terrorist group and the parents’ party.

Improvement: Dasher may expect compliance with his every order while his men make fun of him and frequently disobey. — Gives a little more keystone cops element to their work.

Dasher’s Story:

Beginning: Thinks he’s smarter than the Secret Service and the thugs he’s hired.

Middle: Fails spectacularly at every turn, doesn’t realize he has an assassin on his team

End: Beaten by the bad guys, the good guys and his own guys.

Dasher’s Beats:

1. Dasher meets up with the parents and Ivy at the mall. </div><div>

2. Orchestrates the attack, gets beaten.

3. Goes after Nick, thinks he has him trapped by his two vehicles, loses him when Nick outsmarts him.

4. Follows his own FBI radio that Nick took to catch up with him at the Service Plaza, but again, fails spectacularly.

5. Uses Ivy’s phone to see where they will be going next.

6. Gets the drop on Ivy while Nick is out of the house.

7. Gets the drop on Nick when he comes back.

8. Gets left behind by Nick and Ivy when he goes to get food with 2 of the thugs.

9. Convinces the FBI to let him do a house by house search and goes public with it so they will help him find Nick.

10. Is taken out of the action by Blitzenkreig, but not killed, because he is such a screw-up.

Improvement:

I haven’t specifically added 4, 6, 8, and 10 to the script. I will do so.

Rudy:

Core Character Traits:

Complainer

Caring

Perceptive

Cagey

Character Subtext Logline: I’m proud of my son, the President, but I’ve still got my own life to live

Want/Need: Want: The old excitement of the CIA job / Need: Love and respect of those around him.

World View: There are a lot of bad guys out there. You have to be on the lookout all the time.

What makes this character unique? His grumpy user interface

Rudy’s Story:

Beginning: Retired CIA who misses the excitement and has little influence left at the bureau because all his buds are retired too.

Middle: Like’s Nick’s take charge attitude and is glad Ivy survived.

End: Gets to play a few tricks on the bad guys just like old times. Actually saves the day a few times which makes him feel really good.

Rudy’s Beats:

1. Calling in a favor to find out about Nick, but not expecting the favor to be performed. </div><div>

2. Surprised and impressed by Nick.

3. Finds Nick can be manipulated by repetition of demands

4. Wants to save his dignity at the Service Plaza bathroom.

5. Wants to save Nick’s dignity at the abandoned farm.

6. Wants to help with the action, but knows he can’t fight successfully so finds his repetition of demands helps to get them loose when Dasher ties them up.

7. Has some ideas for booby traps and weapons when they are improvising things before the big battle.

8. Helps during the big battle where he can.

9. Gets Nick’s respect as a fighter and ally.

Improvement: Numbers 3, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are not clear in the script at this point and will be punched up/added as necessary.

Holly:

Core Character Traits:

Sharp tongued

Intelligent

Flighty

Independent

Character Subtext Logline: Everyone should find the person that will love them no matter what their past or flaws.

Mission/Agenda: Find Ivy someone to love and support her in her job even with her flaws

Secret: She did CIA wet work early in her career, but left it for wet diapers

What makes this character unique? Her surprising skills with guns and other weapons.

Holly’s Story:

Beginning: Holly flits from topic to topic, person to person, in the hallway and at the mall, matchmaking for Ivy.

Middle: Holly grows to like and respect Nick faster than anyone and decides she has to get Nick and Ivy together.

End: Holly gets her wish, Nick and Ivy are together.

Holly’s Beats:

1. Holly overtly tries to find out about Nick and get Ivy together with him. </div><div>

2. Holly is delighted it is Nick who rescues them at the mall, but sorry that Ivy is dead.

3. Holly is delighted when Ivy shows up at the abandoned farm.

4. Her plans for Nick and Ivy are revived.

5. Holly has a few tricks up her sleeve when it comes to getting them all loose from Dasher and his men in the first house.

6. Holly knows how to get a secret message from her son to them — the childhood dog’s name.

7. Holly finds Nick’s gun in his go bag with only one bullet.

8. Holly fires the gun to save Ivy by taking out Blitzenkreig.

9. Holly explains her wet work.

10. Holly finds ways to let Ivy and Nick be alone together.

11. Holly asks her son to keep Nick and Ivy together on their security team.

Improvement: Numbers 2, 3, and 5-10 are not clear in the script. They will be highlighted/added.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi Everyone,

I have three scenes left to write (they’re my big climax and I’m struggling with it). The easiest way to exchange that I’ve found is to export to a PDF and email that to one another. The PDF preserves the formatting and you can always copy from the PDF to a word processing program (which WILL mess up the formatting) to add messages or just refer to page numbers in your comments. My email is JaneenMJ@aol.com and I’d love to join the critique group. I started in novel writing as well, but haven’t sold anything there either. 🙁

Looking forward to seeing other folks’ finished screenplays. Soldier on!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Profiles

What I learned doing this assignment is that even though I knew these people, they will probably be more interesting when I’ve infused their roles with the improvements and heightened the expression of their traits and other profile items.

1. Logline: A mall Santa rescues the President’s parents from a rogue FBI agent while their Secret Service agent is in hot pursuit.

2. Character Profiles:

1. Nick <div>

Role: Retired Army Ranger with PTSD turned Mall Santa

Core Character Traits:

1. Soldier – always

2. Kind

3. Selfless

4. Doesn’t trust his senses

Character Subtext Logline: It’s better to die yourself than watch someone else die. That’s not selflessness, it’s survival without guilt.

Optional:

Flaw

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Want/Need: Wants love/Needs to believe in himself before he’ll feel worthy
Mission/Agenda

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Character Arc: Goes from Mall Santa and dog sitter to SS agent. From trusting only his dog to determine reality to trusting himself.

World View

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Life Metaphor/Identity: It’s better to die yourself than watch someone else die. That’s not selflessness, it’s survival without guilt
Secret
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves:

What makes this character unique?

Nick’s Improvement: Changed his core trait from “Always a soldier” to “Leader — expects to be obeyed, not questioned”

How might this change the story: He may bark more orders and be surprised, angered or befuddled when Ivy, Holly and Rudy don’t obey.

2. Ivy

1. Role: Secret Service (SS) agent/love interest

2. Core Character Traits:

1. Not detail oriented

2. Lonely

3. Doggedly dutiful

4. Sarcastic

3. Character Subtext Logline: Ivy is not very detail oriented and she knows how bad that makes her at her job.

4. Optional:

1. Flaw

2. Want/Need: Want: To be a respected professional / Need: to be competent

3. Mission/Agenda:

4. Character Arc:

5. World View: If anyone is trying to get to the parents, it’s her job to get them out of the way — by arrest or death, it makes no difference

6. Life Metaphor/Identity:

7. Secret:

8. Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s haphazard in doing research and attending to details.

9. What makes this character unique?

Ivy’s Improvement: Changed Ivy’s core character trait from “Lonely” to “Wary of men”

How might this change the story? She may constantly question Nick’s motives even as she’s falling for him.

3. Dasher

1. Role: Rogue FBI agent

2. Core Character Traits:

1. Pompous

2. Immoral

3. Gullible

4. Selfish

3. Character Subtext Logline: If it gets me respect, I’ll do it no matter who the respect comes from

4. Optional:

1. Flaw:

2. Want/Need: Wants to be respected and powerful / Need: Money for retirement

3. Mission/Agenda: Kidnap for a terrorist group, earn their respect and the admiration of the FBI for such a clever con

4. Character Arc:

5. World View: They owe me after all these years and I haven’t been appreciated enough

6. Life Metaphor/Identity:

7. Secret

8. Something they don’t want to admit about themselves:

9. What makes this character unique? He’s clueless that he’s dealing with people who are smarter than him in the terrorist group and the parents’ party.

Dasher’s Improvement: Changed “Selfish” to “Entitled”

How might this change the story? Dasher may expect compliance with his every order while his men make fun of him and frequently disobey. — Gives a little more keystone cops element to their work.

4. Rudy

1. Role: President’s Father/Retired CIA

2. Core Character Traits:

1. Complainer

2. Moves slow

3. Perceptive

4. Cagey

3. Character Subtext Logline: I’m proud of my son, the President, but I’ve still got my own life to live

4. Optional

1. Flaw:

2. Want/Need: Want: The old excitement of the CIA job / Need: Love and respect of those around him.

3. Mission/Agenda:

4. Character Arc:

5. World View: There are a lot of bad guys out there. You have to be on the lookout all the time.

6. Life Metaphor/Identity:

7. Secret

8. Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: Rudy is getting old.

9. What makes this character unique? His grumpy user interface

Rudy’s Improvement: Changed “moves slow” to “Caring”

How might this change the story? He will be more solicitous of Holly’s comfort, more empathetic of Nick’s issues.

5. Holly

1. Role: President’s Mother/Former CIA/Social Butterfly

2. Core Character Traits:

1. Sharp tongued

2. Intelligent

3. Pragmatic

4. Independent

3. Character Subtext Logline: Everyone should find the person that will love them no matter what their past or flaws.

4. Optional

1. Flaw:

2. Want/Need:

3. Mission/Agenda: Find Ivy someone to love and support her in her job even with her flaws

4. Character Arc:

5. World View:

6. Life Metaphor/Identity:

7. Secret: She did CIA wet work early in her career, but left it for wet diapers

8. Something they don’t want to admit about themselves:

9. What makes this character unique? her surprising skills with guns and other weapons.

Holly’s Improvement: Changed “Pragmatic” to “Flighty”

How might this change the story? She may flit from subject to subject, item to item, and add to Nick’s concerns/headaches by changing what she wants or needs constantly.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is my third time through and I’m still tweaking the beat sheet.

Logline: A mall Santa rescues the President’s parents from a rogue FBI agent with their Secret Service agent in hot pursuit.

I added and rearranged some scenes, especially around the fight scenes. I realized my beats didn’t address the hero’s problem of not believing in himself, but in two fight scenes that I have only outlined, not written, (only two scenes left in my 1st draft to write), he has epiphanies. They are turning points in his journey.

Here are my resulting beats.

UDATED BEATS

ACT 1

1. INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING

Nick’s spartan apartment, the only bright spots are his tiny Christmas tree, the Santa suit, and Grizzly, his service dog.

2. EXT. WAR ZONE – DAY

Nick relives the failed military mission in the war zone where one of his men is killed.

3. INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly licks his ear to get him out of the war nightmare.

4. INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Nick’s dream morphs into a love scene with the beautiful woman from the mall, Ivy.

5. INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly notes that Nick is now relaxed and wakes him. Nick thanks/trusts Grizzly.

6. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY – MORNING

Rudy and Holly are trying to get the mall Santa’s names from their CIA and social contacts. Ivy takes out a would-be attacker as a matter of course while escorting them down the hall.

7. INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

Ivy continues her professional protection. The parents chide her about dating. She reminds them that the last six men she dated, many they set her up with, only wanted access to their son, the President.

8. INT. MALL – DAY

A rogue FBI agent disburses his men to their attack positions. Then he accompanies the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent (Ivy) in the mall. Ivy feels superior to him because the FBI didn’t detect the guy she just killed in the apartment hallway.

9. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick recognizes Ivy as the woman from his dream. Grizzly confirms it. Nick’s elf identifies the party as the President’s parents while Santa Nick deals with sticky-handed kids on his lap. Nick spots Danser with a gun following the parents.

10. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Danser shoots Ivy.

11. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick hears the shot, Grizzly verifies it’s real, he dumps the kid on his lap, loads up Grizzly in her helmets and runs toward the shot.

12. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick instinctively neutralizes the bad guys using a creche manger, sees Ivy is “dead”, takes the mall cop’s Segway for the parents and ties up the bad guys with Christmas tree lights — still attached to the trees.

13. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

The parents intimidate the mall cop sent by Nick to protect them as they careen slowly down the hall toward the exit.

14. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick exits the locker room with his go bag and Donner is waiting to shoot him. Nick breaks Donner’s arm drags Donner into the locker room.

15. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Nick tells his male elf there is a sick guy in the stall in back and runs with his go bag.

16. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

The parents continue hitting kiosks in the mall as they head to the exit on the Segway and discuss Ivy’s death, noting that she should have checked out Dasher and his men overnight and she would have known they were not legit.

17. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick defeats and ties up Pranzer using improvised weapons, items from mall kiosks.

18. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Holly and Rudy careen into a few more kiosks and finally reach the mall door.

19. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Pranzer is bound by scarves and belts to a massage chair. Nick picks up his go bag and runs toward the exit.

20. INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick rounds a corner to find mammoth Blitzenkreig contemplating shooting the mall cop that is with the parents. Nick rolls Grizzly to safety and uses pottery and fighting skills to defeat Blitzenkreig.

21. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Blitzenkreig is tied with macrame plant hangers and Nick retrieves Grizzly from a kiosk worker. Nick runs out the mall door, keys in hand.

22. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Dasher gets loose, calls his FBI contact to put out an APB on Nick and finds his mercenaries.

23. INT. NICK’S CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Nick gets the parents in his car, hears the APB on Dasher’s radio for him, asks about Ivy, and Rudy decides he is trustworthy.

ACT 2

24. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy is still buried in the plush dog pile and shoppers stare and shake their heads.

25. EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

Nick drives expertly away from the mall, dodging traffic, and finds out the parents clothes have trackers.

26. INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy regains consciousness and hears Dasher is going after Nick and the parents. She calls Joy at the SS, finds out where Nick lives and takes off after him.

27. INT. NICK’S SUV – DAY

Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan. He trusts his driving skills. Parents do too after they escape Dasher and his men.

28. INT. PARKING GARAGE – LATER

Nick pulls into the underground parking garage of an apartment complex, unloads the parents and his go bag, covers his car, telling the parents they are going to get rid of the trackers.

29. INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

Holly and Rudy think this is Nick’s apartment, but Nick pulls clothes from the owner’s closets and tells the parents he dog sits there. He asks if their undies have trackers.

30. INT. DOG SITTING APT – MOMENTS LATER

Nick returns with underwear, order the parents to change clothes and put everything in the bag. The APB now includes Nick’s car info.

31. EXT. CAR LOT – DAY
Nick buys a clunker that doesn’t have electronic tracking.

32. INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – DAY

Nick drives the clunker, the parents are in the back in ridiculous clothes and Nick reveals he’s taking them to his aunt’s cottage. He believes they will escape because they have no trackers, phones or GPS’s in the car that can be used to track them.

33, INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

Interleave with phone call below.

34. INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – AFTERNOON

On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll have them soon since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.

35. INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Ivy calls Joy at the SS office to say she has tracked down Nick. She saw him buy the clunker, but loses him in traffic. She doesn’t know if she can trust Nick, but is following.

36. INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

Interleave with phone call below.

37. INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands. President demands proof of life.

38. INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe and the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.

39. EXT. OPEN HIGHWAY – EVENING
Nick’s clunker flies down the highway.

40. INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – EVENING

Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follows him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.

41. INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT

The parents need a bio break and wheedle Nick into stopping at the next service area.

42. EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

The clunker pulls into the parking lot. Nick cautions HOLLY and RUDY to look down so the cameras can’t capture their faces as they head for the plaza. They find out he was an Army Ranger for 20 years.

43. INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick insists the parents use the family bathroom so he can guard them both at the same time. They object. Nick insists.

44. EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

Dasher’s SUV pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the plaza. Ivy follows them into the lot.

45. INT. IVY’S CAR – NIGHT

Ivy calls Joy to get Dasher’s SUV disabled and reported stolen.

46. INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Blitzenkreig checks out the men’s room and the object. Nick finds a kid’s mitten on the floor.

47. INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Dasher causes a stir in the women’s restroom.

48. INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick lies to Dasher about who is in the family restroom. Dasher doesn’t recognize him without the Santa suit.

49. INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly imitates a child to support Nick’s story and Rudy is interrupted midstream.

50. INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick hurries up the parents.

51. INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Rudy groans and still can’t get the job done.

52. EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT

Ivy negotiates for a hippie van and plants a tracker on Nick’s clunker.

53. EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick hustles the parents to his clunker and the kidnappers come out of the plaza. Nick skirts the parking lot so they won’t see where he came from and is ready to accost them. Ivy watches from the hippie van.

###CHOREOGRAPH THE FIGHT SCENE HERE — LOTS OF HOLIDAY WEAPONS.

INTERCUT AS NEEDED with BELOW OBSERVATIONS/CONVERSATIONS

54. INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT

Holly and Rudy watch from the car and are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.

55. INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT

Ivy, inside the hippie van, debates joining the fray. She makes a call.

56. EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

Nick takes down all of the bad guys using a variety of military fighting skills and great awareness of his surroundings.

57. INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT

IVY looks very impressed by the picture Joy sent her and Nick’s actions against the agents. She’s starting to get a soft spot for him.

58. INT. CAR – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy are shocked at Nick’s skills.

###END FIGHT SCENE

59. EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT

When the bad guys are subdued and groaning, Nick gathers up their guns and throws them under various cars as he hustles back to the clunker.

60. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick gets in his clunker and drives away. Ivy waits in the hippie van, watching DASHER and his gang gather their wits.

ACT 3

61. INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead for a bio break and Grizzly has peed on the FBI radio.

62. EXT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – CONTINUOUS

Ivy and the parents share info about the FBI radio’s tracker and Nick’s cottage plan, Ivy will see them at the cottage. Ivy removes the tracker from the clunker.

63. INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – MOMENTS LATER

NICK opens the front door, slips in. The parents tell Nick about the FBI radio’s tracker.

64. EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick tosses the FBI radio into an open pickup on a four lane and exits the four lane immediately.

65. EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick parks the clunker on a side street and walks away taking his go bag.

66. EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

Nick buys a car from a guy in a quick cash deal.

67. INT. NICK’S CAR – NIGHT

Nick is in the Santa suit driving down a road and Holly and Rudy are asleep in elf costumes huddled under the Santa suit in the back seat.

67. INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at the service area. Orders Blitzenkreig to kill everyone except the parents when they find them.

68. EXT. IVY’S CAR – MORNING

Ivy talks to Joy on the phone. She’s found Nick’s great aunt’s house and plans to sneak in. She hides the hippie van nearby and walks back to the house.

69. INT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

Ivy investigates the house — key was under the mat. It is old lady chic with tons of glass dogs. She hears a car outside, sees it is Nick driving.

70. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

NICK, again dressed as Santa, gets out of the car and sets Grizzly on the ground. Holly and Rudy are in lederhosen.

71. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Ivy hears the car door and hides in the closet.

72. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick sends Grizzly in to see if the house is safe.

73. INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

He greets Ivy with joy.

74. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Grizzly comes back with the all clear. Nick send Holly and Rudy into the house and takes off to hide the car.

75. INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Holly and Rudy are delighted to see Ivy again.

76. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick hurries up the walk to the house.

77. INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick sees Ivy in the dark, thinks she’s dead, is unsure if it’s real or not, but fights with Ivy until Grizzly can finally do her job and let him know everything is OK. Ivy’s alive.

78. INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says they should call the President and fill him in and realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup. Dasher will be tracking that by now.

79. INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy and the parents talk to the President while Nick prepares to dispose of the phone.

80. EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick trudges across the frozen lake on snow blades to dispose of the phone.

81. INT. ICE FISHING HUT – MOMENTS LATER

Nick puts the jug with the phone into the hole and pushes it under the ice. Then he leaves the hut to trudge back to the house.

82. INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Ivy steps out of the bathroom and Dasher puts a gun to her head.

83. EXT. LAKE HOUSE – LATER

Nick approaches the back door, picks up a key and enters from the lake side of the house.

84. INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Nick tramps up the steps to the kitchen and Danzer puts a gun to his head while Dasher holds a gun to tied up Ivy’s head.

85. INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Holly and Rudy feign needing the bathrooms and get Dasher and Danzer out of the way so Nick and Ivy can untie each other.

86. INT. LAKE HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM – DAY

Holly distracts Dasher to give Ivy and Nick time to prepare their offense

87, INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

In a big fight scene, Nick and Ivy defeat and tie up Dasher and Danzer. They plan to leave, but Rudy needs meds.

88, INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

Nick distracts the occupants in his Santa suit and Ivy steals the meds Rudy needs from their bathroom.

89. INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

NICK and IVY enter a different lake house, this one decorated for Christmas, but apparently, unoccupied and raid the pantry.

90. INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Nick bundles up Holly and Rudy while Ivy switches into an elf costume of Nick’s Aunt’s.

91. INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Grizzly alerts them that the rest of Dasher’s men have arrived and they quickly head down to the lake level of the house to escape.

92. EXT. DINGHY – MOMENTS LATER

The parents and Ivy are in the dinghy and Nick is pulling it down a frozen canal.

93. EXT. DINGHY – LATER

Montage of Nick and Ivy pulling the dinghy and getting exhausted. Changing places, etc.

94. EXT. DINGHY – LATER

Snowmobilers offer to give them rides and return the dinghy to the Lake House.

95. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

They are all relaxing in the house. Nick is sleeping and Ivy is observing him, then settling in for a nap too. They’d been driving all night so were exhausted.

96. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

IVY steps to the TV and they find that a house to house search is on for the parents. Rudy recognizes Blitzenkreig as an assassin. They are in big trouble.

ACT 4

97. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS

Montage of the 4 improvising weapons out of holiday items.

98. EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS

Montage continues — they are setting up booby traps outside the house.

99. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – LATER

Set up booby traps on the stairs. Nick spots snowmobiles under tarps and remote starters for the jet skis. Nick and Ivy have a moment.

100. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

They wait in the dark and take their places when Grizzly alerts them that the searchers have arrived.

101. EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

Nick waits outside while Danser and Donner try to get in the front of the house and Blitzenkreig and Pranzer go around the side. All meet bad times with the booby traps and with Nick who takes out Blitzenkreig and Pranzer and ties them up.

102, INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The rest of the fight occurs indoors using all of the improvised weapons. They think Grizzly has been shot and mourn her when they have succeeded in beating Donner, Danser and Dasher.

103. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

After the fight, Nick holds his head in his hands, lost without Grizzly. Then Grizzly scratches at the door from the toy garage and they all rejoice.

104. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – MOMENTS LATER

Rather than clean up the house, they get on the snowmobiles to go to yet another house.

105. INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

Ivy has breakfast cooking, the parents watch the news and hear the President say the name of his first dog which was the “it’s safe now” word. They call the WH. The President tells them to meet a private jet at the airport.

106. INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

Holly, Rudy and Ivy are in elf costumes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. The president wants Nick to join his parents’ security detail. Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Ready for Script Exchange Version 1

I still have a couple of scenes to complete (I have the outline and what happens, but haven’t done a full write on them).

So far, my script is only 72 pages. I’m assuming it will be closer to 80 when I finish the 2 outlines action scenes I mentioned above.

I am signed up for the Rewrite Class (which has already started), but will happily exchange scripts with someone if they want to.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Chronological Edit

What I learned doing this assignment is that I already put a lot of notes in, but needed to annotate character arc needs and dialogue personalization needs scene by scene so they would get done.

What I’ve done in the past that worked well was a non-chronological edit of things like character voices. I think I’ll do another pass for that.

This is the script I am taking through the Rewrite class so I’m not too worried that there are still some problems there.

I still have 2 action scenes that need to be “choreographed”. I have changed the text to green on those scenes and left notes for myself so when the action choreography comes to me, it should be quick to insert.

I also have only 72 pages so far and need a lot of clever repartee added when I do a humor edit. That’s not going to happen until I get the other two action scenes done and see how many pages I have left to play with in conversation. It’s fun to write clever conversations and I already have everything that’s needed for the story. Now I need to add characterization, character arc and just plain fun in my conversations.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Solved Scene Problems

What I learned doing this assignment is that the character’s inner journey is not expressed enough in key scenes. I’ve gone back and fixed a few, but I have a couple more to do that will have to wait for the rewrite class.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I should read the directions through once before doing it. I overwrote my Main Conflict with my changes and am too lazy to try to figure out what they were before.

Special Ops Santa — Action/Comedy

Logline: A mall Santa rescues the President’s parents from a rogue FBI agent while their sexy Secret Service agent is in hot pursuit.

Main Conflict:

Opening: Nick has a nightmare about the war. His PTSD dog, a teacup poodle wakes him.
Inciting Incident: Nick, a mall Santa, hears a gunshot and runs after the guy he saw pulling out a gun. <div>

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Nick finds the Secret Service agent, Ivy, has been killed and thrashes 2 of the bad guys.

First turning point at the end of Act 1: Nick has battled and beaten the other 3 bad guys, gotten the parents out of the mall and into his car. The FBI guy is calling for all law enforcement agencies to catch him.

Mid-Point: Having changed cars, clothes, Nick is heading to a lakeside cabin in Iowa to hide until he can figure out what to do. He is still working alone. The bad guys have told the President they have his parents and will kill them if he doesn’t meet their demands. Ivy is following Nick.

Second Turning Point: Nick stops at a Service Plaza and outsmarts the bad guys, beating them up again. Ivy has the bad guys’ car electronically killed. She finds they’ve been following Nick using the FBI radio he took. Nick leaves the service plaza, but realizes he is being followed by the bad guys.

Crisis: Nick, Ivy and the parents are captured by the bad guys. They manage to escape by moving from cabin, but the manhunt looking for them is now going house to house.

Climax: In a major fight, Nick, Ivy and the parents booby trap the cottage there are in, prepared for the fight of their lives. They win, but the PTSD dog is believed to be a casualty.

Resolution: The PTSD dog is still alive and the bad guys are dead or in custody. It is safe to take the parents to the White House for Christmas Eve.

10. The Mid-Point could probably use a bigger change in Nick’s circumstances. Currently, he doesn’t realize how the FBI can figure out how to find him.

11. The purpose is to show that Nick has used good and clever tactics, but it hasn’t been enough. He is still acting alone and it isn’t working.

12. Oops! I made the changes to the original structure above.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Filled in Missing Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that I missed a few intermediate scenes that i filled in.

I had previously written these scenes in the Comedy or Action classes so it was an easy cut and paste for the most part. I added a couple of transition scenes and interspersed a few things (actions and observers of the action) in a couple of places too.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Solved Structural Problems

What I learned doing this assignment is that I hit most of the structural beats, but needed more of my antagonist’s efforts included. I added those scenes.

[Janeen Johnson]

My pages are in the Day 6 section and ready to critique. I’ll try to grab someone else’s and critique that tonight or tomorrow. It looks like that’s how this is supposed to work, but I’m not sure.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Ready for Critique!

The Empowerment Guild – Drama

Synopsis:

Morgan Day wants very much to be more than the trophy wife of a famous writer. To empower herself, she learns the Waterman Method, a form of mind control that can be used on herself or others. Her favorite couture designer abuses his wife, Amber, who Morgan knows. The wife asks for her help, but won’t press charges against her husband and the result is a restraining order against Morgan for the designer and his family.

Still determined to help Amber, Morgan begins using the Waterman Method to empower Amber to act to save herself and her kids. Morgan enlists the help of her fiber guild members who include a police officer, women’s shelter owner, family law lawyer, and ER nurse. As Morgan empowers other women in the shelter they begin fighting back against their abusers. Amber, after one too many beatings, kills her husband. Her defense team uses Morgan and the guild’s “help” as part of her defense and the prosecutor files charges against the guild members for incitement to murder. Amber’s case is ruled self-defense and the prosecutor can’t prove that the Waterman Method is any more than thoughts and prayers, not something he can prosecute.

MY FIRST TEN PAGES

INT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

Inside a stretch limo, the occupants run the gamut from languid daydreamer to frenzied couture designer.

MORGAN DAY, resplendent, concentrating, stares into the evening traffic of the city, seemingly oblivious to the conversation in the limo, but secretly steeling herself to show them all.

DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, a delighted smile glued to his face, kneels on the floor of the limo, furiously working to hem, tack, fluff, and primp a dress he has hastily designed for the WOMAN opposite Morgan in the limo.

The woman flutters and delights in Richard’s attention to her dress while her husband, a BOOK EDITOR, is focused only on the man across from him, GAVIN DAY.

Gavin Day, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, a combination of George Clooney and James Bond, chats with his editor. He is superior to everyone in the limo, perhaps in the world.

GAVIN

Having a beautiful woman by my side makes me feel complete, alive. You must feel it too.

The editor looks at Morgan.

Gavin, eyebrows raised, looks at Daniel and the editor’s wife.

The editor winces, quickly looking at his own wife.

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The limo stops next to a red carpet. Reporters press in.

GAVIN gets out, helps MORGAN out of the limo. She is elegant, serene, benevolent, and all eyes are on her.

Cameras flash, videographers jockey for position. Questions are rapid fire, she has no time to answer before the next one tumbles over it.

REPORTER 1

Ms. Day, when did you know you had such extraordinary powers?

REPORTER 2

Now that you’ve solved child poverty in the U.S., when will you turn your powers to world hunger? That will surely be next, right?

Morgan nods, smiles, aglow. Gavin fades out of the camera flashes, part of the backdrop.

REPORTER 3

You’re the honoree tonight. How does that feel?

REPORTER 1

Have you heard from the President?

REPORTER 2

Has the head of UNICEF contacted you about extending your work into children’s health?

REPORTER 3

There are rumors you’ll be getting the Nobel this year.

REPORTER 1

Will you be asking the public to assist in these efforts? So many people want to help. A word from you…

CUT TO:

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The driver opens the limo door, this time for real. Morgan exits the limo onto the red carpet.

She smiles, dazzling in the perfect dress. Cameras snap, but reporters wait silently.

Gavin follows her out of the limo. Reporters shout questions, jockey for position.

REPORTER 1

Gavin, your latest book has turned the business world upside down. What’s next?

REPORTER 2

You’re being honored tonight, is a Pulitzer next?

Gavin smiles modestly, shakes his head slightly, everyone knows the Pulitzer is in the bag.

REPORTER 3

What about a Nobel?

Gavin signals for quiet.

GAVIN

Please, please, thank you for your questions. I’m here tonight to enjoy the gala. We’ll have a press conference tomorrow morning and I’ll answer all of your questions, including what’s next for me. My editor will give you the details.

Most of the reporters clamor for the cards the BOOK EDITOR is handing out like candy. The editor’s WIFE smiles proudly in her Daniel Richards original. No one notices her.

Daniel, sweaty and exhausted, climbs off his knees and into a seat in the limo. He pours himself a bourbon as the driver closes the limo door.

A reporter nods toward Morgan, next to Gavin.

REPORTER 1

Is this your daughter, Mr. Day?

GAVIN

No, no. This is my wife, Morgan, the light of my life. Doesn’t she look beautiful tonight?

He smiles proudly, drawing the reporters attention to Morgan’s head to toe visual perfection with a sweep of his arm.

Morgan smiles, looks up at Gavin with appropriate awe. She is the perfect trophy wife.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL RICHARDS, early 40s, fashion designer extraordinaire, now sweaty, exhausted, and half lit, lowers the window of the stretch limo when it stops at the gates of his posh home.

He takes a phone call while punching in his code. He is solicitous and caring.

DANIEL

Lola, dear, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your dress fits perfectly, right?

LOLA

It’s lovely, but there is a problem — nothing big, but I’m sure you can fix it before the awards show on Thursday.

Daniel has concern on his face and helpful conciliation in his voice as the limo pulls into the circle drive.

DANIEL

Whatever is wrong, my dear?

LOLA

Terrence has picked a different tie. You’ll have to re-dye my dress – and the shoes and clutch, of course, but you should have plenty of time – it’s three days.

(triumphantly)

You’ll be delighted to know I’m wearing diamonds so I won’t have to change my jewelry.

Daniel’s hand pulses on the door handle, strangling it over and over as the limo pulls up in front of his house. Brightly, calmly, he responds.

DANIEL

That’s wonderful. What color is the new tie?

LOLA

Green. A lovely shade. I’m sure you can match it.

Daniel clenches his teeth, but his voice is still smooth and sweet.

DANIEL

Yes, Lola, dear. I’m sure I can match it. Send me the tie, dear.

LOLA

I’ll have my chauffeur drop it off in the morning.

The limo driver opens Daniel’s door.

Lola clicks off and Daniel glares at the phone.

DANIEL

You stupid bitch. I can’t dye a red dress green.

Dictating a message on his phone.

DANIEL

Message to Tara. See if we have enough of the white silk to remake Lola’s dress. Get another pair of shoes and a clutch to dye too. She’ll send her husband’s third new tie – green, this time – in the morning.

He pushes the button to send the message and exits the limo, not glancing at the chauffeur.

He stops before opening the door to the house, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

The limo pulls away.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

To one side of the entrance hall, the opulent dining room is set for a romantic dinner for two.

On the home’s elaborate staircase, AMBER RICHARDS, late 20’s, beautiful, dressed for dinner, but herding a 4-year-old, DAN JUNIOR and a 2-year-old, ALICE, up the first couple of stairs. She turns, startled, then afraid, when she hears the door opening.

DANIEL enters, looks quickly at the dining room and smiles. Then he sees Amber and the kids on the stairs and is immediately furious.

DANIEL

You idiot! You know the kids are supposed to be in bed by seven-thirty and it’s seven-

He quickly glances at his phone.

DANIEL

thirty-one.

Amber quickly puts Alice’s hand in Dan’s and waves them up the stairs. Alice balks at leaving Amber.

Amber looks back at Daniel, positioning herself to block Daniel’s line of sight to the kids.

AMBER

I’m so sorry, Daniel. I heard you at the gate as I was taking the kids up, but thought I should put your dinner on the table before I saw to them since I knew you’d want your dinner. It will only take me a second to get them upstairs. They’re ready for bed, you see.

Daniel steps briskly to the stairs and slaps Amber hard on the face.

DANIEL

They should already be up there. You know that.

DANIEL

(slap)

How many times do I have to tell you before you do as I ask?

Daniel hits her arm with his fist and Amber falls back against the stairs.

Alice cries and Dan Junior tries unsuccessfully to shush her.

Amber glances at them in fear, struggles to get up off the step and away from the stairs to take the kids out of Daniel’s line of sight again.

AMBER

Your dinner is on the table. A beautiful steak, just the way you like it. And –

Daniel slaps her face again.

DANIEL

Shut up and stop making excuses.

Daniel storms to the dining room and Amber turns to motion the kids, both crying now, to hurry as they trudge up the stairs.

She watches Daniel for a moment to be sure he’s not turning back to her and then rushes up the stairs, picking up Alice and grabbing Dan Junior’s hand to move them more quickly.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MINUTES LATER

DANIEL is smiling as he works on his steak and wine when AMBER comes into the room, a smile on her face, slap marks bright pink.

DANIEL

The steak is perfection. You’re an excellent chef. Please, sit.

Daniel half-stands as he motions Amber to her chair. Amber, abashedly flattered, moves to her seat.

DANIEL

Let me get you some wine.

AMBER

(smiling)

Thank you, dear.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Tall and professorial, BENSON WATERMAN stands at the front of the room, fielding questions. He answers most questions with rapid dispatch and practiced clarity, but looks satisfied and eager when one student raises her hand.

MORGAN DAY is a high fashion model, or she could be if she looked vapid and disinterested, but her eyes are piercing, seeing into souls and finding the gut level intent of anyone she turns them on. Her face is engaged and engaging, smarter and kinder than most. She commands rooms, conversations, and respect without realizing she’s doing it and would be surprised if anyone called it out.

She wears a large diamond ring and men automatically envy her husband.

Waterman nods to her in anticipation of a challenge.

MORGAN

We’re still students. To what extent is the mind control we’re trying to achieve supposed to be effective at this point?

WATERMAN

If you’re doing mind control and you truly believe that you are putting thoughts in other people’s heads, you are. The confidence and assurance of the practitioner, not the receiver, is all that matters.

Morgan’s eye has a glint of mischief.

MORGAN

I think, therefore you do?

Waterman chuckles with satisfaction.

WATERMAN

Exactly as you say. We’ll see you all next week. Do your homework.

Waterman quickly exits the room.

Morgan walks from the room with other adult students, but she outclasses them despite their exalted job titles, Ivy League educations, and pompous demeanors.

STUDENT 1

You just flat out asked Waterman if the method he’s spent his life developing actually works.

Morgan laughs in amusement.

MORGAN

I just asked him if what we’re doing works yet. My husband asked me that after class last week so I told him I’d find out when I would be an effective Waterman practitioner.

STUDENT 1

Is he afraid you’ll have him flapping his wings like a chicken?

MORGAN

No, he’s a writer and he wants all the facts about everything.

STUDENT 1

Wait, you mean Gavin Day is your husband?

Morgan becomes disappointed and thoughtful as they head for the exit.

MORGAN

Yes.

STUDENT 1

Does he make fun of the Waterman Method?

MORGAN

(shaking it off)

No, of course not. The Waterman Method is real or we wouldn’t all be here, paying a ridiculous amount to take his class. We’d just stick to the book and pretend we thought it was nonsense if it wasn’t real, right?

STUDENT 1

(chagrinned, but laughing)

You’re right, of course. You always are.

Reaching the exit door of the building, Morgan touches Student 1’s arm as she heads into the revolving door.

MORGAN

See you next week. Practice!

Student 1 follows her through the door, watching with admiration as Morgan strides effortlessly down the sidewalk with all the looks of a model, but no hint of a runway strut.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

MORGAN enters the women’s shelter with an armload of dresses in hanging bags. A woman follows her with an armload of shoe boxes and a tote with purses in it.

Morgan drapes her bags over the back of a chair in the lobby.

MORGAN

I’ll just let Bridget know I’ve brought in a few things.

AMBER sits on a sofa in a waiting area, her back to the office. She has a bruise on one cheek, on her wrists and on her neck. She recognizes Morgan’s voice and pulls her kids closer, sinking down into the sofa to hide herself.

One of the kids pops up over the top of the sofa to squeal at the sound of Morgan’s voice.

AMBER

(whispers)

Shush! Sit down.

Morgan does a double take toward the couch and recognizes a bracelet on Amber’s wrist as Amber grabs the toddler and pulls the child down next to her.

MORGAN

That’s a Daniel Richards original. I just brought in a dress that would look fabulous with that. Let me find it for you —

Morgan rushes the dress to the couch and draws back in shock when she sees it’s Amber.

MORGAN

(abashed)

You have to promise me you won’t tell Daniel that I donated that beautiful black silk dress he made for me two years ago.

Amber waves her away.

AMBER

No problem. I won’t tell him.

MORGAN

I just think it’s better to let someone else wear these beautiful

MORGAN

styles than to let them sit in my closet, you know?

She draws closer to Amber and spots the bruises on Amber’s wrist and neck as Amber tries to hide the bruise on her cheek with her hand. Morgan is shocked.

MORGAN

Oh dear, what happened? Were you mugged?

Morgan sits on the couch next to one of the kids and leans in close to Amber.

AMBER

No, no, of course not. I was carrying too many things at once — staging them to bring here — and, and tripped on my way down the stairs.

MORGAN

I’m so sorry. Let me see. Have you seen a doctor? Those bruises look awful. What did Daniel say? Did he take you to the ER?

Amber shoos her back.

AMBER

Daniel knows I’m fine. I am. I was just clumsy and trying to carry too much at one time. I’m fine.

Amber looks away. Morgan cocks her head a little as she ponders, then has an insight.

MORGAN

Good god! Daniel didn’t do that, did he?

Amber blushes, shifts quickly, puts a smile on her face.

AMBER

No, I told you, I fell. I’m fine. Daniel would never hit a woman.

(looking down quickly and then back up to face Morgan fully)

I’m here donating, just like you. And you’d better not tell Daniel you saw me here either.

Morgan is puzzled. Amber pulls her sleeve over her wrist when she sees Morgan glance at it.

AMBER

He thinks I sell all our old things, but I bring them here. Especially the kids’ clothes. People here always need those.

Morgan looks a little relieved.

MORGAN

Of course. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Morgan continues to stare at Amber’s bruises. Bridget comes out of her office and spots Morgan.

BRIDGET

Morgan, dear! Come in. I’ll give you a receipt for all these wonderful clothes.

Bridget leads Morgan to her office and nods sympathetically to Amber as she does so.

Morgan looks over her shoulder at Amber with a quick wave, frowns and follows Bridget to the office.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Logline and One Page!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I need to bump up, clarify and overtly state the villain’s story more.

Title: Special Ops Santa (Holiday Action/Comedy)

Logline: A mall Santa rescues the President’s parents from a rogue FBI agent and his mercenaries while their sexy Secret Service agent is in hot pursuit.

Story:

Mall Santa Nick has a serious PTSD problem that leaves him unsure of the ground truth. His PTSD dog, a teacup poodle named Grizzly, always lets him know whether he’s in the real world or a nightmare. She’s his lifesaver.

The President’s parents mall walk where Nick works and he’s been watching the beautiful woman walking with the elderly couple. He finds out she’s Ivy, a Secret Service agent, the second day an FBI agent and his four thugs walk with her.

When the FBI agent tries to abduct the parents, he shoots Ivy who isn’t dead, just unconscious. Nick knocks them all out of commission in the mall, picks up an FBI radio and his go bag, and drives away with the parents.

The parents’ clothes and electronics are filled with trackers so Nick, Grizzly, and the parents change clothes, change vehicles, and dodge or beat up the bad guys several times as they drive from Chicago to a western Iowa resort area where Nick’s aunt has a cottage they can hide in.

Ivy regains consciousness in the mall and hears the FBI guy plans to track and recapture the parents because the mall Santa has taken them. She has her own means of tracking Nick and secretly helps him escape a few times while trying to decide if he’s a good guy or worse than the thugs.

Ivy follows Nick and the parents to Iowa, but keeps her phone which the bad guys track to the cottage. Nick’s aunt has house keys for her many friends’ cottages so Nick and Ivy move the parents from cottage to cottage to escape the FBI agent and his thugs.

Nick learns to trust himself and Ivy during all this while little Grizzly helps in some way in nearly every fight making them a dynamic team.

Traveling by snow blade, snowmobile, dinghy, car and hippie van, Nick and Ivy keep the parents safe. With a holiday fight at every stop, they manage to capture all of the bad guys and fall in love as they work together with the parents to vanquish the thugs.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Great First Page

What I learned from this assignment is that I need to take each page, one at a time, and work on the details.

INT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

Inside a stretch limo, the occupants run the gamut from languid daydreamer to frenzied couture designer.

MORGAN DAY, beautiful, resplendent, aloof, stares into the evening traffic of the city, seemingly oblivious to the conversation in the limo, but secretly steeling herself to show them all.

DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, a delighted smile glued to his face, kneels on the floor of the limo, furiously working to hem, tack, fluff, and primp a dress he has hastily designed for the WOMAN opposite Morgan in the limo.

The woman flutters and delights in Richard’s attention to her dress while her husband, a BOOK EDITOR, is focused only on the man across from him, Gavin Day.

GAVIN DAY, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, a combination of George Clooney and James Bond, chats with his editor. He is superior to everyone in the limo, perhaps in the world.

GAVIN

Having a beautiful woman by my side makes me feel complete, alive. You must feel it too.

The editor looks at Morgan.

Gavin, eyebrows raised, looks at Daniel and the editor’s wife.

The editor winces, quickly looking at his own wife.

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The limo stops next to a red carpet. Reporters press in.

GAVIN gets out, helps MORGAN out of the limo. She is resplendent in her gown, serene, benevolent.

Cameras flash, videographers jockey for position. Questions are rapid fire, she has no time to answer before the next one tumbles over it.

REPORTER 1

Ms. Day, when did you know you had such extraordinary powers?

REPORTER 2

Now that you’ve solved child poverty in the U.S., when will you turn your powers to world hunger? That will surely be next, right?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that scenes I wrote earlier in the course were more focused on character, or action, or mood — all things I need to add to EVERY scene.

INT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

Inside a stretch limo, five people span the gamut from languid daydreamer to frenzied couture worker.

MORGAN DAY, beautiful, resplendent, aloof, stares into the night traffic of the city. She is seemingly oblivious to the conversation in the limo, but secretly steeling herself to show them all.

DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, a delighted smile glued to his face, kneels on the floor of the limo, furiously working to hem, tack, fluff and primp a dress he has hastily designed for the woman opposite Morgan in the limo.

The woman flutters and delights in Richard’s attention to her dress while her husband, a BOOK EDITOR, is focused only on the man across from him, Gavin Day.

GAVIN DAY, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, a combination of George Clooney and James Bond, chats with his editor. He is superior to everyone in the limo, perhaps in the world.

GAVIN

Having a beautiful woman by my side makes me feel complete, alive. You must feel it too.

The editor looks at Morgan.

Gavin, eyebrows raised, looks at Daniel and the editor’s wife. The editor winces, quickly looking at his own wife.

BOOK EDITOR

Of course. Absolutely.

GAVIN

Morgan is the perfect wife, and, I really believe, the perfect woman.

He looks at Daniel still working frenetically on the dress.

GAVIN

When she’s wearing her favorite designer, she complements me perfectly.

Daniel bobs his head slightly acknowledging the compliment, still working feverishly.

BOOK EDITOR

Thank you so much for the dress, Gavin.

BOOK EDITOR

I could have never had a designer do a dress for my wife in two days. You’re a miracle worker.

Daniel’s glued on smile momentarily morphs into a sneer.

GAVIN

No problem. I’ve been so busy, I hadn’t even seen his creation for Morgan until the limo arrived…

Gavin’s voice fades.

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The limo stops next to a red carpet. Reporters press in.

Gavin gets out, helps Morgan out of the limo. She is resplendent in her gown, serene, benevolent.

Cameras flash, videographers jockey for position. Questions are rapid fire, she has no time to answer before the next one tumbles over it.

REPORTER 1

Ms. Day, when did you know you had such extraordinary powers?

REPORTER 2

Now that you’ve solved child poverty in the U.S., when will you turn your powers to world hunger? That will surely be next, right?

Morgan nods, smiles, aglow. Gavin fades out of the camera flashes, part of the backdrop.

REPORTER 3

You’re the honoree tonight. How does that feel?

REPORTER 1

Have you heard from the President?

REPORTER 2

Has the head of UNICEF contacted you about extending your work into children’s health?

REPORTER 3

There are rumors you’ll be getting the Nobel this year.

REPORTER 1

Will you be asking the public to assist in these efforts? So many people want to help. A word from you…

CUT TO:

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The driver opens the limo door, this time for real. Morgan exits the limo onto the red carpet.

She smiles, dazzling in the perfect dress. Cameras snap, but reporters wait silently.

Gavin follows her out of the limo. Reporters shout questions, jockey for position.

REPORTER 1

Gavin, your latest book has turned the business world upside down. What’s next?

REPORTER 2

You’re being honored tonight, is a Pulitzer next?

Gavin smiles modestly, shakes his head slightly, everyone knows the Pulitzer is in the bag.

REPORTER 3

What about a Nobel?

Gavin signals for quiet.

GAVIN

Please, please, thank you for your questions. I’m here tonight to enjoy the gala. We’ll have a press conference tomorrow morning where I’ll answer all of your questions, including what’s next for me. My editor will give you the details.

Most of the reporters clamor for the cards the book editor is handing out like candy. His wife smiles proudly in her Daniel Richards original. No one notices her.

Daniel, sweaty and exhausted, has taken a seat in the limo. He pours himself a bourbon as the driver closes the limo door.

A reporter nods to Morgan, next to Gavin.

REPORTER 1

Is this your daughter, Mr. Day?

GAVIN

No, no. This is my wife, Morgan, the light of my life. Doesn’t she look beautiful tonight?

He smiles proudly, drawing the reporters attention to Morgan’s head to toe visual perfection with a sweep of his arm.

Morgan smiles, looks up at Gavin with appropriate awe. She is the perfect trophy wife.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL RICHARDS, early 40s, fashion designer extraordinaire, lowers the window of the stretch limo when it stops at the gates of his posh home.

He takes a phone call while punching in his code. He is solicitous and caring.

DANIEL

Lola, dear, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your dress fits perfectly, right?

LOLA

It’s lovely, but there is a problem — nothing big, but I’m sure you can fix it before the awards show on Thursday.

Daniel has concern on his face and helpful conciliation in his voice as the limo pulls into the circle drive.

DANIEL

Whatever is wrong, my dear?

LOLA

Terrence has picked a different tie. You’ll have to re-dye my dress – and the shoes and clutch, of course, but you should have plenty of time – it’s three days.

(triumphantly)

You’ll be delighted to know I’m wearing diamonds so I won’t have to change my jewelry.

Daniel clutches the door handle as the limo pulls up in front of the house. Brightly, calmly, he responds.

DANIEL

That’s wonderful. What color is the new tie?

LOLA

Green. A lovely shade. I’m sure you can match it.

Daniel clenches his teeth, but his voice is still smooth and sweet.

DANIEL

Yes, Lola, dear. I’m sure I can match it. Send me the tie, dear.

LOLA

I’ll have my chauffeur drop it off in the morning.

Lola clicks off and Daniel glares at the phone.

DANIEL

You stupid bitch. I can’t dye a red dress green.

Dictating a message on his phone.

DANIEL

Message to Tara. See if we have enough of the white silk to remake Lola’s dress. Get another pair of shoes and a clutch to dye too. She’ll send the new color of her husband’s tie – green, this time – in the morning.

He pushes the button to send the message and exits the limo, not glancing at the chauffeur.

He stops before opening the door to the house, closes his eyes and takes a long, relaxing breath.

The limo pulls away.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

To one side, the opulent dining room is set for a romantic dinner for two.

On the home’s elaborate staircase, AMBER RICHARDS, late 20’s, beautiful, dressed for dinner, but herding a 4-year-old, DAN JUNIOR and a 2-year-old, ALICE, up the first couple of stairs. She turns, startled, then afraid, when she hears the door opening.

DANIEL enters, looks quickly at the dining room and smiles. Then he sees Amber and the kids on the stairs and is immediately furious.

DANIEL

You idiot! You know the kids are supposed to be in bed by seven-thirty and it’s seven-

He quickly glances at his phone.

DANIEL

thirty-one.

Amber quickly puts Alice’s hand in Dan’s and waves them up the stairs. Alice balks at leaving Amber.

Amber looks back at Daniel, positioning herself to block Daniel’s line of sight to the kids.

AMBER

I’m so sorry, Daniel. I heard you at the gate as I was taking the kids up, but thought I should put your dinner on the table before I saw to them since I knew you’d want your dinner. It will only take me a second to get them upstairs. They’re ready for bed, you see.

Daniel steps briskly to the stairs and slaps Amber hard on the face.

DANIEL

They should already be up there. You know that.

(slap)

How many times do I have to tell you before you do as I ask?

Daniel hits her arm with his fist and Amber falls back against the stairs.

Alice cries and Dan Junior tries unsuccessfully to shush her.

Amber glances at them in fear, struggles to get up off the step and away from the stairs to take the kids out of Daniel’s line of sight again.

AMBER

Your dinner is on the table. A beautiful steak, just the way you like it. And –

Daniel slaps her face again.

DANIEL

Shut up and stop making excuses.

Daniel storms to the dining room and Amber turns to motion the kids, both crying now, to hurry as they trudge up the stairs.

She watches Daniel for a moment to be sure he’s not turning back to her and then rushes up the stairs, picking up Alice and grabbing Dan Junior’s hand to move them more quickly.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MINUTES LATER

DANIEL is smiling as he works on his steak and wine when AMBER comes into the room, a smile on her face, slap marks bright pink.

DANIEL

The steak is excellent. You’re a good cook. Please, sit.

Daniel half-stands as he motions Amber to her chair. Amber, abashedly flattered, moves to her seat.

DANIEL

Let me get you some wine.

AMBER

(smiling)

Thank you, dear.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Tall and professorial, BENSON WATERMAN stands at the front of the room, fielding questions. He answers most questions with rapid dispatch and practiced clarity, but looks satisfied and eager when one student raises her hand.

MORGAN DAY is a high fashion model, or she could be if she looked vapid and disinterested, but her eyes are piercing, seeing into souls and finding the gut level intent of anyone she turns them on. Her face is engaged and engaging, smarter and kinder than most. She commands rooms, conversations, and respect without realizing she’s doing it and would be surprised if anyone called it out.

Wearing a large diamond ring, men automatically envy her husband.

Waterman nods to her in anticipation of a challenge.

MORGAN

We’re still students.

MORGAN

To what extent is the mind control we’re trying to achieve supposed to be effective at this point?

WATERMAN

If you’re doing mind control and you truly believe that you are putting thoughts in other people’s heads, you are. The confidence and assurance of the practitioner, not the receiver, is all that matters.

Morgan’s eye has a glint of mischief.

MORGAN

I think, therefore you do?

Waterman chuckles with satisfaction.

WATERMAN

Exactly as you say. We’ll see you all next week. Do your homework.

Waterman quickly exits the room.

Morgan walks from the room with other adult students, but she outclasses them despite their exalted job titles, Ivy League educations, and pompous demeanors.

STUDENT 1

You just flat out asked Waterman if the method he’s spent his life developing actually works.

Morgan laughs in amusement.

MORGAN

I just asked him if what we’re doing works yet. My husband asked me that after class last week so I told him I’d find out when I would be an effective Waterman practitioner.

STUDENT 1

Is he afraid you’ll have him flapping his wings like a chicken?

MORGAN

No, he’s a writer and he wants all the facts about everything.

STUDENT 1

You mean Gavin Day is your husband?

Morgan becomes disappointed and thoughtful as they head for the exit.

MORGAN

Yes.

STUDENT 1

Does he make fun of the Waterman Method?

MORGAN

(shaking it off)

No, of course not. The Waterman Method is real or we wouldn’t all be here, paying a ridiculous amount to take his class. We’d just stick to the book and pretend we thought it was nonsense if it wasn’t real, right?

STUDENT 1

(chagrinned, but laughing)

You’re right, of course. You always are.

Reaching the exit door of the building, Morgan touches Student 1’s arm as she heads into the revolving door.

MORGAN

See you next week. Practice!

Student 1 follows her through the door, watching with admiration as Morgan strides effortlessly down the sidewalk with all the looks of a model, but no hint of a runway strut.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

MORGAN enters the women’s shelter with an armload of dresses in hanging bags. A woman follows her with an armload of shoe boxes and a tote with purses in it.

Morgan drapes her bags over the back of a chair in the lobby.

MORGAN

I’ll just let Bridget know I’ve brought in a few things.

AMBER sits on a sofa in a waiting area, her back to the office. She has a bruise on one cheek, on her wrists and on her neck. She recognizes Morgan’s voice and pulls her kids closer, sinking down into the sofa to hide herself.

One of the kids pops up over the top of the sofa to squeal at the sound of Morgan’s voice.

AMBER

(whispers)

Shush! Sit down.

Morgan does a double take toward the couch and recognizes a bracelet on Amber’s wrist as Amber grabs the toddler and pulls the child down next to her.

MORGAN

That’s a Daniel Richards original. I just brought in a dress that would look fabulous with that. Let me find it for you —

Morgan rushes to the couch and draws back in shock when she sees it’s Amber.

MORGAN

(abashed)

You have to promise me you won’t tell Daniel that I donated that beautiful black silk dress he made for me two years ago.

Amber waves her away.

AMBER

No problem. I won’t tell him.

MORGAN

I just think it’s better to let someone else wear these beautiful styles than to let them sit in my closet, you know?

She draws closer to Amber and spots the bruises on Amber’s wrist and neck as Amber tries to hide the bruise on her cheek with her hand. Morgan is shocked.

MORGAN

Oh dear, what happened? Were you mugged?

Morgan sits on the couch next to one of the kids and leans in close to Amber to speak to her quietly.

AMBER

No, no, of course not. I was carrying too many things at once — staging them to bring here — and, and tripped on my way down the stairs.

MORGAN

I’m so sorry. Let me see. Have you seen a doctor? Those bruises look awful. What did Daniel say? Did he take you to the ER?

Amber shoos her back.

AMBER

Daniel knows I’m fine. I am. I was just clumsy and trying to carry too much at one time. I’m fine.

Amber looks away. Morgan cocks her head a little as she ponders, then has an insight.

MORGAN

Good god! Daniel didn’t do that, did he?

Amber blushes, shifts quickly, puts a smile on her face.

AMBER

No, I told you, I fell. I’m fine. Daniel would never hit a woman.

(looking down quickly and then back up to face Morgan fully)

I’m here donating, just like you. And you’d better not tell Daniel you saw me here either.

Morgan is puzzled. Amber pulls her sleeve over her wrist when she sees Morgan glance at it.

AMBER

He thinks I sell all our old things, but I bring them here. Especially the kids’ clothes. People here always need those.

Morgan looks a little relieved.

MORGAN

Of course. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Morgan continues to stare at Amber’s bruises. Bridget comes out of her office and spots Morgan.

BRIDGET

Morgan, dear! Come in. I’ll give you a receipt for all these wonderful clothes.

Bridget leads Morgan to her office and nods sympathetically to Amber as she does so.

Morgan looks over her shoulder at Amber and waves quickly, shrugging. She’d like to talk more, but has to go.

[Janeen Johnson]

<div>
</div><div>My name is Janeen Johnson. I’ve written six screenplays. None have been produced or optioned yet. I’m currently in three other screenwritingU classes. What I hope to get out of this class is to get the 30 day script I just finished ready to market. I love kayaking, writing, and I’m taking a yacht cruise this summer where I’ll be part of a crew of 14 going from Victoria, British Columbia to Ketchikan, Alaska. I’ve never sailed before, but I’m not afraid to try.</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of the confidentiality agreement.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Opening Scene is Irresistible!

What I learned from this assignment is that the better I picture a scene, the longer my descriptions. This is a different scene than my Beat Sheet had, so I’ll have to shorten this up and update my beat sheet.

I opted for the Trick Opening. It gives me a chance to introduce the protagonist, antagonist, and Morgan’s husband, the acclaimed author in one scene.

Trick Opening: Morgan fantasizes she is more than a trophy wife.

VO that is unusual: Gavin talking about how much he loves to have Morgan on his arm — definitely defining her as a trophy wife while he smiles at her in silence reading while she does Waterman

Action Opening: The bustle of a red carpet event honoring Morgan’s husband.

OUTLINE

Daniel, the designer, is in the limo with two couples, Gavin and Morgan and another couple. He is putting the finishing touches on the other woman’s dress.

Gavin is talking to the other man, his editor, about how much he loves to have Morgan on his arm, talking up Daniel’s work which is why Daniel is doing the editor’s wife’s dress at the last minute.

Morgan is looking out the window of the limo since Daniel is chatting with the editor’s wife about how busy he is and how fabulous Morgan always looks in his clothes.

The limo stops and there is a red carpet. Gavin gets out, escorts Morgan out and the reporters press in, asking her when she knew she had such extraordinary powers, now that she’s four a way to cure childhood hunger, how long before she finds a way to stop world hunger — surely she can do it. Was she surprised she was going to be honored tonight? Has she heard from the President? The head of UNICEF? Will she be creating a class so that everyone can learn to help others as she has done?

The limo door opens and the usher helps her out. The reports are there, snapping photos. She smiles, beautiful, dazzling in the perfect dress. Gavin gets out and immediately the reporters start asking about his latest book that has turned the world of business upside down, netted him a Booker prize and were are rumors he may get the Pulitzer and possibly even a Nobel. He is appropriately polite and condescends to answer a number of the questions. He takes Morgan’s arm, gives it a little squeeze to pull her from her reverie, and continues to hold her hand as he holds court with the reporters. One of them asks if he’s brought his daughter tonight and he says, no, Morgan is the light of his life. His beautiful wife that is always there for him and always pleased with his success. She smiles photogenically, looking up with him in appropriate awe.

SCENE

INT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

Inside a stretch limo, five people span the gamut from languid daydreamer to frenzied couture worker.

MORGAN DAY, beautiful, resplendent, aloof, stares into the night traffic of the city. She is seemingly oblivious to the conversation in the limo, but secretly steeling herself to show them all.

DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, a delighted smile glued to his face, kneels on the floor of the limo, furiously working to hem, tack, fluff and primp a dress he has hastily designed for the woman opposite Morgan in the limo.

The woman flutters and delights in Richard’s attention to her dress while her husband, a BOOK EDITOR, is focused only on the man across from him, Gavin Day.

GAVIN DAY, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, a combination of George Clooney and James Bond, chats with his editor. He is superior to everyone in the limo, perhaps in the world.

GAVIN
Having a beautiful woman by my side

makes me feel complete, alive. You must feel it too.

The editor looks at Morgan.

Gavin, eyebrows raised, looks at Daniel and the editor’s wife. The editor winces, quickly looking at his own wife.

BOOK EDITOR Of course. Absolutely.

GAVIN
Morgan is the perfect wife, and, I

really believe, the perfect woman.
He looks at Daniel still working frenetically on the dress.

GAVIN (CONT’D) When she’s wearing her favorite

designer, she complements me perfectly.

Daniel bobs his head slightly acknowledging the compliment, still working feverishly.

BOOK EDITOR
Thank you so much for the dress,

Gavin. I could have never had a designer do

a dress for my wife in two days. You’re a miracle worker.

Gavin smiles. Daniel’s glued on smile momentarily morphs into a sneer.

GAVIN
No problem. I’ve been so busy, I

hadn’t even seen his creation for Morgan until the limo arrived…

Gavin’s voice fades.

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

The limo stops next to a red carpet. Reporters press in.

Gavin gets out, helps Morgan out of the limo. She is resplendent in her gown, serene, benevolent.

Cameras flash, videographers jockey for position. Questions are rapid fire, she has no time to answer before the next one tumbles over it.

REPORTER 1
Ms. Day, when did you know you had

such extraordinary powers?

REPORTER 2
Now that you’ve solved child poverty

in the U.S., when will you turn your powers to world hunger? That will surely be next, right?

Morgan nods, smiles, aglow. Gavin fades out of the camera flashes, part of the backdrop.

REPORTER 3
You’re the honoree tonight. How

does that feel?

REPORTER 1
Have you heard from the President?

REPORTER 2
Has the head of UNICEF contacted you

about extending your work into children’s health?

REPORTER 3
There are rumors you’ll be getting

the Nobel this year.

REPORTER 1
Will you be asking the public to

assist in these efforts? So many people want to help. A word from you…

EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT

CUT TO:

The driver opens the limo door, this time for real. Morgan exits the limo onto the red carpet.

She smiles, dazzling in the perfect dress. Cameras snap, but reporters wait silently.

Gavin follows her out of the limo. Reporters shout questions, jockey for position.

REPORTER 1
Gavin, your latest book has turned

the business world upside down. What’s next?

REPORTER 2
You’re being honored tonight, is a

Pulitzer next?

Gavin smiles modestly, shakes his head slightly, everyone knows the Pulitzer is in the bag.

REPORTER 3 What about a Nobel?

Gavin signals for quiet.

GAVIN
Please, please, thank you for your

questions. I’m here tonight to enjoy the gala. We’ll have a press conference tomorrow morning where I’ll answer all of your questions, including what’s next for me. My editor will give you the details.

Most of the reporters clamor for the cards the book editor is handing out like candy. His wife smiles proudly in her Daniel Richards original. No one notices her.

Daniel, sweaty and exhausted, has taken a seat in the limo. He pours himself a bourbon as the driver closes the limo door.

A reporter nods to Morgan, next to Gavin.

REPORTER 1
Is this your daughter, Mr. Day?

GAVIN
No, no. This is my wife, Morgan,

the light of my life. Doesn’t she look beautiful tonight?

He smiles proudly, drawing the reporters attention to Morgan’s head to toe visual perfection with a sweep of his arm.

Morgan smiles, looks up at Gavin with appropriate awe. She is the perfect trophy wife.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Openings!

What I learned from this assignment is that there are a number of more interesting ways to open the movie than my current rather bland one. I’ll definitely be changing it.

Opening Ideas:

Instant Conflict Opening:

A. Morgan and Gavin fight/tiff about her Waterman work. He treats it like a pastime.

B. Amber and Daniel fight.

Contrast Opening:

A. Amber and Morgan’s lives are shown in contrast as is Daniel’s relationship with both — obsequious to Morgan, domineering and dangerous to Amber.

The Shocking Opening

A. Daniel beats up on Amber

The Setup/Twist Opening:

A. Daniel is really nice to Amber, then he beats her when she drops something on the floor.

B. Gavin praises for Morgan for attending the classes and doing her homework religiously, then she overhears him on the phone trivializing her and the Waterman method.

The VO that’s unusual:

A. The Waterman professor describing it and how it cannot be used for evil while we watch Morgan using it.

B. Gavin talking about how much he loves to have Morgan on his arm — definitely defining her as a trophy wife while he smiles at her in silence reading while she does Waterman.

The Unique Character:

A. Daniel telling how he has to contort himself to please his clients and about how he tolerates his wife’s serious failings.

The Action Opening:

A. The bustle of a fashion show or the bustle of a red carpet event.

B. Daniel, we think, punching a punching bag, but then we see that it is Amber.

Plunge us deep into a unique world — a personal approach:

A. Fashion design/tailoring

B. Waterman capabilities.

Intriguing scene from another place in the movie

A. The police coming into the guild meeting to arrest them all.

The Trick Opening:

A. Morgan dreams about being a renowned Waterman practitioner, saving the world, getting the kind of accolades usually reserved for her husband. Then she realizes the applause is real and her husband kisses her, she smiles and he goes to the dais to collect his award.

SELECTED OPTIONS:

1. The Trick Opening — Morgan fantasizes she is more than a trophy wife.

2. The VO that is unusual — Gavin talking about how much he loves to have Morgan on his arm — definitely defining her as a trophy wife while he smiles at her in silence reading while she does Waterman.

3. The VO that is unusual — The Waterman professor describing it and how it cannot be used for evil while we watch Morgan using it.

4. The Action Opening — The bustle of a fashion show or the bustle of a red carpet event.

5. The Action Opening — Daniel, we think, punching a punching bag, but then we see that it is Amber.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Loves this Opening!

What I learned from this assignment is that a RomCom meet cute must be set up ahead of time to show both protagonists’ worlds and their differences so that when we meet, attraction/dislike aside, there will be an obvious barrier to their happily ever after. It’s much more subtle, quiet, and less attention-seeking than the typical Action, Crime, or Adventure movie.

FIRST PAGES of NOTTING HILL

EXT. VARIOUS DAYS

‘She’ plays through the credits.

Exquisite footage of Anna Scott — the great movie star of our time — an ideal — the perfect star and woman — her life full of glamour and sophistication and mystery.

NOTE: Shows the idol, the movie star protagonist in all her untouchable glamour.

EXT. STREET – DAY

Mix through to William, 35, relaxed, pleasant, informal. We follow him as he walks down Portobello Road, carrying a load of bread. It is spring.

NOTE: The Portobello Road sequences shows us that William is at home in this unusual, chaotic place and is calm and comfortable in the chaos.

PROVOCAtiVE OPENING — The juxtaposition of William and Anna shows how far apart their worlds really are.

WILLIAM

Of course, I’ve seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous — but, you know, million miles from the world I live in. Which is here — Notting Hill — not a bad place to be…

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – DAY

It’s a full fruit market day.

WILLIAM

There’s the market on weekdays, selling every fruit and vegetable known to man…

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – DAY

A man in denims exits the tattoo studio.

WILLIAM

The tattoo parlour — with a guy outside who got drunk and now can’t remember why he chose ‘I Love Ken’…

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – DAY

WILLIAM

The racial hair-dressers where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster, whether they like it or not…

Sure enough, a girl exits with a huge threaded blue bouffant.

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – SATURDAY

WILLIAM

Then suddenly it’s the weekend, and from break of day, hundreds of stalls appears out of nowhere, filling Portobello Road right up to Notting Hill Gate…

A frantic crowded Portobello market.

WILLIAM

… and thousands of people buy millions of antiques, some genuine…

The camera finally settles on a stall selling beautiful stained glass windows of various sizes, some featuring biblical scenes and saints.

WILLIAM

… and some not so genuine.

EXT. GOLBORNE ROAD – DAY

WILLIAM

And what’s great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London — that’s Tony, architect turned chef, who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant…

NOTE: This mention of his friends being here lets us know his world is fairly small — Portobello road for the most part.

Shot of Tony proudly setting out a board outside his restaurant, the sign still being painted. He receives and approves a huge fresh salmon.

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – DAY

WILLIAM

So this is where I spend my days and years — in this small village in the middle of a city — in a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together… before she left me for a man who looked like Harrison Ford, only even handsomer…

We arrive outside his blue-doored house just off Portobello.

WILLIAM

… and where I now lead a strange half-life with a lodger called…

TWIST: This is at the top of p. 3. We meet Spike, the unusual flatmate with no common sense.

INT. WILLIAM’S HOUSE – DAY

WILLIAM

Spike!

The house has far too many things in it. Definitely two-bachelor flat.

Spike appears. An unusual looking fellow. He has unusual hair, unusual facial hair and an unusual Welsh accent: very white, as though his flesh has never seen the sun. He wears only shorts.

SPIKE

Even he. Hey, you couldn’t help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?

WILLIAM

This is important in comparison to, let’s say, whether they should cancel third world debt?

SPIKE

That’s right — I’m at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just want to be sure I’ve picked the right t-shirt.

WILLIAM

What are the choices?

SPIKE

Well… wait for it…

(He pulls on a t-shirt)

First there’s this one…

The t-shirt is white with a horrible looking plastic alien coming out of it, jaws open, blood everywhere. It says ‘I Love Blood.’

WILLIAM

Yes — might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.

SPIKE

Point taken.

He heads back up the stairs… talks as he changes…

SPIKE

I suspect you’ll prefer the next one.

And he re-enters in a white t-shirt, with a large arrow, pointing down to his flies, saying, ‘Get It Here.’

SPIKE

Cool, huh?

WILLIAM

Yes — she might think you don’t have true love on your mind.

SPIKE

Wouldn’t want that…

(and back up he goes)

Okay — just one more.

He comes down wearing it. Lots of hearts, saying, ‘You’re the most beautiful woman in the world.’

WILLIAM

Well, yes, that’s perfect. Well done.

SPIKE

Thanks. Great. Wish me luck.

WILLIAM

Good luck.

Spike turns and walks upstairs proudly. Revealing that on the back of the t-shirt, also printed in big letters, is written ‘Fancy a fuck?’

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD – DAY

WILLIAM

And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday, as I set off through the market to work, little suspecting that this was the day which would change my life forever. This is work, by the way, my little travel book shop…

A small unpretentious store… named ‘The Travel Book Co.’

WILLIAM

… which, well, sells travel books, and, to be frank with you, doesn’t always sell many of those.

William enters.

NOTE: On page 5 we enter the bookshop and the beginning of the Inciting Incident — William meets Anna.

INCITING INCIDENT: William meets Anna in his shop.

INT. THE BOOKSHOP – DAY

It is a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelves everywhere, with little secret bits round corners with even more books.

Martin, William’s sole employee, is waiting enthusiastically.

He is very keen, an uncrushable optimist. Perhaps without cause. A few seconds later, William stands gloomily behind the desk.

WILLIAM

Classic. Absolutely classic. Profit from major sales push — minus 347 pounds.

MARTIN

Shall I go get a cappuccino? Ease the pain.

WILLIAM

Yes, better get me a half. All I can afford.

MARIN

I get your logic. Demi-capu coming up.

He salutes and bolts out the door — as he does, a woman walks in.

We only just glimpse her.

Cut to William working. He looks up casually. And sees something. His reaction is hard to read. After a pause…

WILLIAM

Can I help you?

It is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world — here –in his shop. The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.

When she speaks she is very self-assured and self-contained.

ANNA

No, thanks. I’ll just look around.

WILLIAM

Fine.

She wanders over to a shelf as he watches her — and picks out a quite smart coffee table book.

WILLIAM

That book’s really not good — just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You’d be wasting your money.

NOTE: In pages 6-10, William banters nonsensically with Anna about how bad the book she’s looking at really is, then spots a shoplifter, accosts him successfully, returns to Anna who signs an autograph for the thief, buys a book, gets a free one William had talked up while paying for the one he talked down, but now says is quite good, and she leaves, presumably never to be seen again. Then William’s employee comes back with the coffee and William modestly doesn’t say Anna was there — it will be his little dream moment, not a rumor spread around Portobello Road by his employee. She’s out of his life.

BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVie iS ABOut. At the end of page 10, he decides to get an orange juice which in the next scene he spills on Anna and that’s how they “meet” again.

What I think about this opening:

It clearly establishes William’s character and position in his small world.
It clearly establishes Anna’s star power, but also her quiet, amused side who appreciates William’s sense of humor in his store — out of the limelight.
We know that William has a wildly inappropriate flatmate who is likely to cause trouble and humor.
We have the setup for them meeting again, soon after he thought he would never see her again. This pattern: “She enters his world, makes him love her, leaves again” is repeated many times in the movie so it sets the stage for the rest of the movie.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 4 Resolution

What I learned doing this assignment is that some of my setups are weak earlier and I’ll need to fix that in rewrite. i’ve made notes.

OUTLINE

INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

Ivy has breakfast cooking, the WH calls to tell them all is well. They should meet a private jet at the airport – with clothes.

INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

Holly and Rudy are in regular clothes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. The president wants Nick to join his parents’ security detail. Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink.

SCENES

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – MOMENTS LATER

NICK and IVY, in helmets and snowmobile suits are gunning snowmobile engines. RUDY and HOLLY hang onto them tightly, smiling brightly at each other through their helmets.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

In their fifth house, there is no Christmas trim. IVY, HOLLY and RUDY are in fluffy bathrobes.

Ivy brings a plate of pancakes to the table.

HOLLY

The bath was nice, but I wish they would have left the hot tub on.

RUDY

I like the robe on you.

She swats his hand away from her thigh.

HOLLY

Eat your pancakes.

(calls loudly)

Nick, hurry up. The pancakes are done.

Ivy’s phone rings. She pulls it from the robe pocket.

IVY

Yes, Mr. President. Do you want to talk to your folks?

She puts the phone on speaker and sets it in the middle of the table.

PRESIDENT

A friend will pick you up in his jet at the Milford airport. Can you get there by noon?

They all look at Nick. He nods.

IVY

We’ll be there.

PRESIDENT

And Ivy, bring Santa with you. His country needs him.

IVY

Wait, you mean the military?

PRESIDENT

No. The Secret Service. You could use a partner like him, couldn’t you?

Holly and Rudy snicker and do a high five. Ivy mocks throttling them.

PRESIDENT

Ivy?

IVY

Yes, Mr. President. I could use someone like Nick on your parent’s security detail.

PRESIDENT

Okay, then. We’ll see you all at the White House tonight for dinner.

Nick comes out in an ill-fitting Santa suit, not his original. Everyone stares at him.

NICK

There were only three robes so i had to improvise.

INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

The private jet is lush. There is a champagne flute in front of each of them. HOLLY and RUDY are in their costumes, now clean. IVY, in her elf costume, and NICK in his Santa gear are seated together, GRIZZLY on his shoulder. They move closer as they speak until their lips are nearly touching.

NICK

You really think we should work together?

IVY

I think we make a good team, don’t you?

NICK

Of course we do, but that would mean we’d be spending a lot of time together.

IVY

I think I’d like that. What do you think?

NICK

I think I like this, so I’d probably like that.

They smile at each other. Kiss.

Holly and Rudy do a quiet high five.

Nick and Ivy turn to look at Grizzly who licks their noses in turn. They kiss again.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 4 Climax

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to choreograph a good part of the final fight scene. I added my notes for what I currently intend to have happen, but can’t visualize it yet. I’ll finish it in a rewrite.

OUTLINE

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Noise outside — the bad guys have arrived. They put Holly and Rudy in the coat closet, covered by coats — no one ever looks seriously there.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The assassins show up. The ultimate Christmas weapon fight rages with Ivy and Nick outside, using the weapons they’ve set up, leaving one after another of the assassins tied up.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The fight moves inside. Grizzly tries to help and gets captured. The assassin holds her, threatens to kill her if Nick doesn’t give up. Holly shoots the guy between the eyes – she was an assassin in the CIA before she had the kid. Did wet work before wet diaper work. Nick flies into a rage, undeterred by anything the remaining assassins throw at him. They are successful. Once assassin falls for the snowmobile startup activated by Rudy. Grizzly was leading him down the stairs. Someone shoots a stuffed animal that looks like Grizzly that had a bottle of booze in it as a weapon. They think it is Grizzly and mourn.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

While cleaning up, Nick hears Grizzly scratching at the door. She’s alive! Nick jingles another set of keys. There is another house yet.

SCENES

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

NICK, IVY, HOLLY, and RUDY sit in the dark in the living room, tense, quiet.

Grizzly sits on a throw pillow in the front window looking intently into the dark.

Grizzly barks, runs to Nick, jumping into her helmet for safety.

NICK

Show time. To your places.

Rudy slips into the coat closet by the front door holding a teddy bear that is obviously heavy.

Holly slips into the guest room closet, a giant flashlight in her hands.

Ivy ducks down behind the kitchen counter.

Nick is hiding behind the chimney outside the house, a tire iron in his hand, a fishing line trip wire tied from a tree to a hose bib just uphill from him.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The assassins roll up in an SUV, no lights, doors already cracked. They exit the vehicle quietly, splitting up on the front walk.

DANSER and DONNER go to the front door. BLITZKREIG and PRANZER go toward the side of the house.

Danser slips on the ice on the steps, falling backwards, grabbing for Donner. Danser’s foot catches on the brick trip wire.

Donner tries to catch Danser, but the bricks fall on both. They lay stunned on the concrete walk, struggling to right themselves and figure out what has happened.

Blitzkrieg lumbers after Pranzer as he picks his way down the slope in the dark.

Pranzer slips, falls on his back. Blitzkrieg tries to step around him with one big step, catches the trip wire, splats face down on the slope, skidding to a stop.

Nick jumps out and whacks Blitzkrieg on the back of the head with the tire iron.

Pranzer, gets to his feet, tries to rush Nick from behind, hits the trip wire, sprawls forward. Nick shoves him. Pranzer careens into the chimney.

Nick pauses, makes sure neither are moving and slips in through the back of the house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

DONNER and DANSER have regained their wits and shoot the lock off the front door.

RUDY, in the coat closet, can’t hold still, needs the bathroom.

They ram the door three times with their shoulders to dislodge the safety chain and open the door.

Rudy wiggles uncomfortably behind the coats.

IVY watches intently as the lock and chain give way on the front door.

Holding their shoulders, Donner and Danser cautiously enter the house.

Danser throws open the coat closet.

Rudy holds his breath and his, whatever.

Danser does a cursory push on the coats as Rudy leans back into the corner of the closet.

Danser follows Donner through the hall to the living room.

Ivy watches.

FINISH THIS!!

Grizzly tries to help and gets captured. The assassin holds her, threatens to kill her if Nick doesn’t give up. Holly shoots the guy between the eyes – she was an assassin in the CIA before she had the kid. Did wet work before wet diaper work. Nick flies into a rage, undeterred by anything the remaining assassins throw at him. They are successful. One assassin falls for the snowmobile startup activated by Rudy. Grizzly was leading him down the stairs. Someone shoots a stuffed animal that looks like Grizzly that had a bottle of booze in it as a weapon. They think it is Grizzly and mourn.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

NICK sits on the couch, head in hands, silently sobbing.

HOLLY stands outside the bathroom with a pair of pants.

The bathroom door opens wide enough for RUDY’s hand to grab the pants.

RUDY

(dejected)

Thanks.

IVY holds a gun at her side, watching Nick, tears rolling down her cheeks too.

A sound comes from the toy garage door.

On high alert, Ivy moves toward the door, gun at the ready, reaches for the door handle.

Nick comes to alert on the couch. Freezes.

Ivy turns the handle, slowly opens the door. An inch. Another inch.

GRIZZLY bolts through the door, races to Nick, jumps when she gets near him and is instantly in his arms, licking his face as he kisses her head, her neck, her tummy.

Ivy cries out in delight.

HOLLY

She’s alive!

RUDY

Who’s alive?

HOLLY

Grizzly! She’s alive!

Rudy emerges from the bathroom, zipping up, joins Holly and Ivy watching Nick’s joy.

Nick takes a deep cleansing breath in, out. Stands.

NICK

Somebody call the White House. Tell them we’re safe.

Ivy pulls out the paper she wrote the number on, pulls a phone out of Danser’s back pocket.

HOLLY

I’ll make some coffee.

RUDY

(sheepishly)

I’ll see what I can do about the closet floor.

Nick stands, still holding Grizzly, pulls another set of house keys from his pocket.

NICK

This place is trashed. Let’s get out of here.

They all scan the home, now a wasteland, the row of tied up mercenaries in the entrance hall.

[Janeen Johnson]

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

BEGIN MONTAGE:

– IVY hands HOLLY an armload of stuffed toys

– NICK hands RUDY a remote start, points to the stairs

– Ivy brings Holly heavy glass art objects

– Nick coils extra Christmas lights on one side of a doorway, the cord draped across the floor.

– Holly sews shut a stuffed animal with a glass object in it.

– Ivy perches heavy stuffed animals around the house’s surfaces.

– Rudy removes all of the big knives from kitchen drawers. Puts one or two under pillows on a bed, on a window sill, under the tablecloth in the dining room.

– Ivy puts the steam iron under the edge of a curtain in the living room.

– Rudy puts a can of bug spray under a bed, then distributes more of Holly’s stuffed animals in strategic locations.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Holiday decorations are turned into tripping hazards, shock generators, projectile throwers from the roof, etc.

– IVY has a reel of heavy fishing line in hand

– NICK is putting landscaping bricks in his Santa sack

– Nick pours water on the front steps a little at a time so it freezes

– Ivy ties fishing line around a brick and passes it to Nick who is on the porch roof. Nick sets the brick near the edge of the roof, sets two more bricks on each. Ivy leaves a long string of fishing line from each.

– Nick finishes setting the extra bricks on the porch roof

– Ivy ties a length of fishing line between the stakes of blow up Santas on either side of the walk.

– Nick pours some water along the walkway on the side of the house.

– Ivy ties the strings from the brick to the line across the sidewalk, pulling it high and taut, so the bricks will fall if someone trips on the line.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – EVENING

– Nick sets up a remote control starter for a JetSki to use to lure someone down to the garage.

– Ivy sets up booby traps/tripping hazards on the stairs using the fishing line

– Nick spots a snowmobile under a tarp in the back of the toy garage. He leaves it covered.

END MONTAGE

At the base of the booby-trapped steps, Nick stops Ivy for a serious discussion.

NICK

Ivy, before we go up, I think we should talk about who’s outside and who’s in when we start this.

IVY

What do you mean?

NICK

I mean, one of us has to be willing to throw himself, or herself, on a grenade if these guys overpower us. We know that Blitzenkreig is an assassin, not a kidnapper.

Ivy swallows hard, considers. She steps onto the first stair, turns. They are eye to eye.

IVY

I know that I’ve stopped a bullet for them before. I think you have too.

Nick looks into her eyes, considers, eyes lingering a bit too long.

NICK

I don’t want to see anything happen to you…or obviously, to them.

IVY

Nick, what are we really talking about?

NICK

I don’t know. Maybe nothing. Maybe neither of us makes it out alive. Maybe all of us do.

She looks at him quizzically.

NICK

All I know is I want you safe, no matter what.

IVY

So?

NICK

So I have a gun, but only one bullet.

He flinches, she considers.

NICK

In my go bag upstairs.

She realizes what it must have been for. Grabs him by the shirt and pulls him up close, menacing, demanding, determined.

IVY

Don’t you ever do that to me…Ever. Do you understand?

He realizes she may be saying she cares about him. A glimmer of hope in his eyes.

NICK

No, no, I would never.

NICK

I could never…do that to Grizzly, you know, that would be horrible for her. She’d think she’d failed and Grizzly is not a failure. She’s kept me safe so many times. I could never hurt her that way…ever.

Ivy kisses his cheek softly.

IVY

Then don’t. You’ve got better boots than I do, so you start outside. I’ll save that one bullet for the last possible moment.

NICK

You’d better…you have to. You and Grizzly…

He can’t finish.

She sniffs back a tear, puts one hand on his shoulder, squeezes.

Then she turns and picks her way upstairs through the booby traps. He follows, a slight smile playing around his lips.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Completed Act 3

What I learned doing this assignment is that having the beats and scenes needed to tie them together outlined up front made it easy to have some continuity in the act. I didn’t have to add anything, but did a few spelling corrections, etc.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 Turning Point

What I learned doing this assignment is drafting quickly doesn’t add as much humor as I’ll need later, but leaves me plenty of space to do it on a humor rewrite pass.

OUTLINE

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Holly turns the TV on. The newsman says the search is going house to house. The TV shows the assassins intermingled with FBI agents.

SCENE

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

HOLLY and RUDY are snuggled up on the couch. NICK is on the floor playing with GRIZZLY and HOLLY steps to the TV.

HOLLY
Let’s see what’s on the ten o’clock

news.

The video shows pictures of Holly and Rudy in one corner and a video of an FBI team going door to door.

NEWSCASTER
Tonight, the hunt is going door to

door in search of the President’s parents who are believed to be hiding out in the lakes area.

Everyone cranes their necks, watching the TV. IVY pauses it, points to a guy in the group of agents.

IVY
That’s Dasher, but that guy isn’t FBI. He’s a known assassin on the FBI’s most wanted list.

NICK
But he’s with Dasher.

IVY
You know what that means, don’t you?

RUDY We’re in big trouble.

NICK Big trouble.

Grizzly whines.

HOLLY Uh oh.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 Middle Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s easy to get in the flow and write most of an act in only a couple of hours.

OUTLINE

INT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

Ivy investigates the house — key was under the mat. It is old lady chic. She hears a car outside, sees it is Nick’s clunker.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

At the lake house Grizzly is excited (happy) to see Ivy and Nick sees her when she’s trying to get Grizzly to leave her. They fight, holiday style, with the parents trying to stop Nick. Ivy realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Nick tells her to call the President and fill him in. President tells them to hole up until he can get it all sorted. He trusts Ivy.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick is in a kayak with Ivy’s phone. He takes it to the middle of a lake, sets it afloat in a milk jug and goes back to the lake house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says Rudy needs his HBP med. He says they need to move and grabs a couple of keys from his aunt’s key rack, telling the parents to fill in the rack with other keys.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

Nick and Ivy look for meds in the houses on either side of the parents, and don’t get caught. Ivy raids the medicine chest for meds and leaves. (Fun distraction at door).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

Nick raids the refrigerator and pantry, putting things in a grocery sack and takes keys from the key rack. Everyone trusts their neighbors here and he seems to know them all. He leaves.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

They return, Nick tells them to grab anything they think will be useful. They are going to another house.

EXT. DINGHY – DAY

Bundled up and dressed as Santa and his elves, the parents and Ivy get in a dinghy. They hear car doors and Nick runs down the iced over canal, pulling the dinghy. Later, we see Ivy pulling the dinghy and finally both of them. They stop at a boat ramp, help the parents out. A snowmobiling group shows up, they ask for a lift and ride to Lake House 4 (or thereabouts).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

Ivy is cleaning up the kitchen after a meal. Nick is sleeping like a baby, Grizzly cuddled between his shoulder and ear. Holly and Rudy doze in chairs. Holly catches some sleep too.

SCENES

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

NICK, again dressed as Santa, gets out of the car and sets Grizzly on the ground.

The back doors open. HOLLY and RUDY emerge dressed in alpine lederhosen, green caps and shoes with curled up toes. They shudder, pulling big puffy scarves closer to their faces.

HOLLY
I can’t believe you’re making us

wear this stuff.

NICK
Beggers can’t be choosers. They

were the cheapest things I could find.

Nick pulls a Santa pack from the trunk.

RUDY
It’s winter. You didn’t think long

pants might be appropriate?

NICK
I thought having costumes so bizarre

that no one would look at your faces was appropriate. Keep those scarves up over your faces.

They shiver their way to the front door. Nick looks under the mat. No key.

NICK (CONT’D)
I’m going to go around back for the

spare key. You two stay here. Nick ducks around the house.

Rudy tries the door. It’s open. He and Holly hurry in. Grizzly follows them.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

GRIZZLY rushes over to the chair in the corner. Slipping underneath it, barking joyfully. He’s found IVY.

HOLLY and RUDY, pulling off the scarves.

HOLLY
What’d you find over there, Grizzly girl?

Ivy stands.

IVY
Hi guys. Where’s Nick?

Holly and Rudy break into broad smiles, approach Ivy, arms out to hug her.

RUDY
He went around back to find the spare

key.

IVY
Another one? I found the one under

the mat.

HOLLY
Obviously. Glad you could join us.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

NICK returns from the back of the house. Panics when the parents aren’t there.

NICK Grizzly? Grizzly!

He looks around, dazed, confused.

NICK (CONT’D)
Oh god, my worst nightmare. Santa

suit and no Griz.
He hears Grizzly’s bark from inside.

Nick turns the door handle. Bursts into the room, seeing HOLLY and RUDY toddling toward a corner, arms out. Misinterprets.

In one leap, he is across the room, arms out in hand to hand combat position, trips on a Christmas light cord, does a face plant in the carpet.

IVY leaps from behind the chair, points at a sofa indicating Holly and Rudy should sit. They obey.

Nick scrambles to his feet, can’t see Ivy’s face clearly because her hair is in it.

Ivy looks around for a weapon. Settles on deer antlers from a side table for one hand and an angel-shaped glass snow globe in the other.

Nick freezes when he sees her face clearly.

NICK (CONT’D)
You’re dead. You’re not really here.

He is confused, dazed. Thinks he having a delusion or a PTSD nightmare. Goes with it.

NICK (CONT’D)
Put the angel down. She’s a precious

heirloom.

Ivy glances at the angel and Nick leaps. He hits her arm with one hand, sending the angel flying. Rudy catches it in his lap.

RUDY
Nice. We should get one of these.

Holly nods.

Nick scrambles to his feet. While he throws things at Ivy, stopping sometimes to evaluate if they are “heirlooms” and putting them down if they are.

Ivy successfully dodges the items, circling, speaking slowly and calmly, trying to defuse the situation.

Nick is in another world, groping in the Santa suit for a weapon, finding none. Reaching for something else in the room to use as a weapon.

Grizzly barks, attempting to scale Nick’s leg when she can, jumping up on any furniture he is close to in an attempt to jump on his shoulder and do her job.

IVY
Nick, I’m Ivy. I’m Holly and Rudy’s

Secret Service agent. I’m trying to keep them safe, just like you are.

Nick corners Ivy in the dining room. He picks up a chair, ready to smash it into her when Grizzly leaps from the floor, onto another chair, onto the dining table and onto Nick’s arm while he holds the chair over his head. She claws her way up to his shoulder, to his ear, and barks in it.

Nick stops. Looks at her, dipping his head low toward his shoulder.

Grizzly licks his nose. Nick closes his eyes, shoulders sagging, arms letting the chair lower to the floor.

Nick scoops Grizzly off his shoulder, holds her nose to nose, eye to eye with his face.

NICK Thanks, Grizzly.

Ivy looks amazed as she watches this. Gives a “who knew?” Gesture to Rudy and Holly who shrug back.

Ivy holds out her hand to Nick.

IVY
I’m Ivy. Secret Service agent.

He looks at her, unsure.

NICK
You were shot dead at the mall.

IVY
I was shot in the vest and knocked

out when I hit my head on a kiosk on my way down. Wanna feel the bump on my head?

Nick looks hopeful.

NICK You’re alive?

Ivy nods.
Nick turns to Holly and Rudy.

NICK (CONT’D) Holly and Rudy nod, smile.

RUDY We know.

HOLLY
She came to talk to us when you

stopped to pee. That’s how she knew we were coming here.

Nick frowns, suspicious.

NICK
You told them we were coming here?

RUDY
Sure. We’ve known Ivy a long time.

She took a bullet for us.

NICK How can you be sure.

RUDY
Grizzly likes her, doesn’t she?

She’s alive!

Nick looks at Grizzly, still sitting on his hand. She licks his nose.

NICK
Okay. Let’s get settled. My aunt

is going to have a cow when she sees this mess.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

The house is tidy again, RUDY is at the dining table sipping coffee. HOLLY is in the kitchen tidying up. IVY and NICK are napping in chairs in ungainly positions. Ivy snaps awake.

IVY
We have to tell your son you’re safe.

Nick wakes up with a start and GRIZZLY quickly licks his cheek from her comfortable position on his shoulder.

NICK Thanks, Grizzly.

He strokes her neck.

RUDY
We can’t call them, Santa, over

here, took our phones and threw them out so we don’t have his number.

IVY
No problem. I have it on my phone.

She stops, looks around the room, guilty, then panicked, then ashamed.

IVY (CONT’D)
Shit, shit, shit. Dasher and his

gang will know I’m alive if they figure out who had their car disabled at the rest area.

Nick stands.

NICK
What are you talking about?

IVY
When they went into the rest area,

back there, I called Joy and had her disable their SUV. Dasher has probably figured out who did it by now and he’ll be tracking this phone.

Nick and Ivy make eye contact. Her contrition is evident. His fury softens to forgiveness.

NICK
Call the President. Write down the

number and then I’ll take care of your phone.

RUDY
They’ll have Joy’s phone bugged by

now so you can’t call her again.
Nick indicates she should put it on speaker.
Ivy heaves a sigh, sits, calls, puts the call on speaker. Intercut the phone call as necessary.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

PRESIDENT
Hello, Ivy. We heard you’d died.

Are mom and dad okay?

IVY
They’re fine, Mr. President. We’re

hiding out. I can’t tell you where, but we’re safe. I need to make this quick.

Nick has moved to the kitchen where he is cutting a whole in the side of an empty milk jug and fishing through drawers until he finds duct tape.

PRESIDENT Okay, shoot.

IVY
Agent Dasher from the FBI is working

with foreign agents from somewhere. He’s got hired muscle — four men that we know of — and they are in pursuit of us.

PRESIDENT
Wait, I though my parents were here

in the DC and you were babysitting their doubles when you were attacked.

IVY
No. Who told you that?

PRESIDENT
Never mind. I’ll take care of it.

What do you need?

Use only the most trusted people and figure out besides Dasher is in on this and make sure he doesn’t get the help he’s asking for to find us.

HOLLY
Tell him to say the name of his first

puppy in a broadcast or something when it’s safe for us to come back to DC.

RUDY
Have him put it on TV — on CNN so

we can find it if we’re not watching right away.

IVY
Did you get that, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT
I did. Keep my folks safe, Ivy. I

trust you.

IVY Yes, sir.

They hang up. Nick immediately takes the phone from her hand, drops in in the jug and tapes the cut out piece back into place, making sure it’s sealed.

Holly and Rudy watch him and shrug to Ivy.

Nick leaves the house in the Santa suit.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

NICK, wearing snow blades and staying in snowmobile tracks, is tracking toward a series of ice fishing shacks on the lake.

At first, they are in a distance.

EXT. LAKE – LATER

CUT TO:

NICK is in an ice fishing shack. He slips the jug into the hole, pushes it below the ice with a pole and gives it a shove to one side.

He exits the shack and starts trekking back to the house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

NICK arrives back at the house. RUDY and HOLLY are watching TV. IVY is pacing.

Ivy pulls Nick into a hallway for a private conversation.

IVY
Rudy needs his high blood pressure

meds.
Nick considers briefly.

NICK
We need to move, soon. They may

already be on their way here.

Nick goes to a loaded key rack by the back door where each set of keys is labeled with only a first name. He selects four or five sets of keys, putting two sets in one pocket and three in another.

NICK (CONT’D) Get your coat.

RUDY What’s going on?

NICK
Make yourselves useful. Redistribute

the keys on this rack so it isn’t obvious we’ve taken a bunch of them. We’ll be back shortly.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

NICK is in his full Santa costume just inside the front room, talking, laughing, regaling the elderly couple with Santa nonsense.

IVY sneaks up the stairs behind them, ducking into a bathroom, going through the medicine chest, pocketing several meds.

Ive gives Nick an “okay” sign from the hallway.

Nick tells a particularly active story to hold the couple’s attention and make noise to cover Ivy sneaking back down the stairs.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

NICK and IVY enter a different lake house, this one decorated for Christmas, but apparently, unoccupied.

They take off their snowy shoes at the door.

IVY
Why does your aunt have keys to

everyone’s houses?

NICK
She’s a little younger than most of

her neighbors and comes up at least once a month in the winter.

IVY And the …

Ivy checks the name on one of the bottles of meds she pocketed.

IVY (CONT’D) Grangers next door to your aunts?

How did you know he had high blood pressure?

NICK
They’re friends of my aunts. They

talk about meds all the time.

IVY And this place?

NICK
They decorate at Thanksgiving like

most people here and don’t come back until Christmas week. They also keep a well-stocked pantry.

Nick leads Ivy to the pantry off the kitchen and her eyes light up when she sees the bounty.

NICK (CONT’D)
Take things that will travel well.

We have to leave the neighborhood to be safe and we’re going to have to do it on foot.

IVY
Holly and Rudy can’t go far on foot

and we son’t exactly be in cognito.

NICK
I have a plan. Put everything in my

sack.
Nick holds out his Santa bag and Ivy puts in her selections. INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Back at Nick’s aunt’s house, RUDY and HOLLY are quickly donning coats from the hall closet.

They are ill fitting, out of fashion and most look feminine. Rudy bristles.

RUDY
I didn’t realize your aunt lived

alone. No uncle?

NICK
Divorced him years ago. She kept

the lake house and he got the boat.
Nick hands them some hand-made elf stocking from the shelf.

NICK (CONT’D)
Sit. Let me put these on you so you

don’t freeze your shins off.

Rudy and Holly sit. Ivy reaches for a pair of the elf stockings to help, but Nick interrupts.

NICK (CONT’D)
Go to my aunt’s bedroom and put on a

couple of pairs of heavy stockings. You’re Santa’s helper for the rest of the day. She’s got a costume in her closet…far right, plastic bag. Put it on, pronto.

Elf hats he found on the closet shelf. They have long ear flaps and visors that extend out the front of the hats.

GRIZZLY is sitting on a pillow in the window. She starts to growl.

Nick peeks out the window.

NICK (CONT’D) We’ve got to go now!

Grizzly races to Nick. He pockets her in his Santa hat and fastens it to his belt while ushering Holly and Rudy to the stairs that lead down to the lake level of the home. Ivy follows quickly in a female elf outfit.

NICK (CONT’D)
Nice. Grab my bag. Let’s go. We’ve

got company. EXT. DINGHY – MOMENTS LATER

IVY, HOLLY and RUDY are seated in a dinghy that NICK is pulling on the ice on a canal.

Ivy looks back as car doors slam.

IVY
I thought this was a lake out this

way.

NICK
Snowmobilers use the canal, so it’s

better to go this way.

IVY Where are we going.

NICK Another house.

EXT. DINGHY – LATER

IVY is pulling the dinghy, NICK is walking behind it carrying Santa’s fully laden sack. HOLLY and RUDY are huddled together with GRIZZLY snuggled between them.

EXT. DINGHY – LATER

IVY and NICK are both pulling on the dinghy. The sack is in the dinghy with HOLLY, RUDY and GRIZZLY.

Snowmobiles approach. Nick is cautious. Holly, Ivy and Rudy hide their faces.

SNOWMOBILER
Can you use a lift somewhere?

NICK
A tow to the boat landing would be

good.

SNOWMOBILER
Hop on! Jake, tie the dinghy to

your hitch. Hang on folks. INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

IVY finishes up the dishes in the kitchen. NICK is sleeping like a baby on the floor in front of the fireplace, GRIZZLY cuddled between his shoulder and his ear. RUDY and HOLLY doze in chairs.

Ivy surveys the peaceful scene, smiles, sits on the floor in front of the fire near Nick, leaning on a chair, watching Nick for a moment, then settling in for an afternoon nap.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Completed Third Act

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that somewhere along the way, we are supposed to have written this entire screenplay and I’ve only written the scenes required by the classes. Did I miss something??

SETUP:

Morgan is the trophy wife of a wealthy writer who belongs to a craft guild of women jobs that all intersect with abused women in some way. Morgan has learned mind control and intentional healing in an effort to be more than just a trophy wife to herself, her husband and the guild. She has helped other women at a local women’s shelter and they have escaped, although a few fought back physically against their abusers.

Morgan’s fashion designer, Daniel, has been abusing his wife, Amber, and when Morgan tries to help her, Daniel gets a restraining order against her. She continues to use mind control from a distance, to help Amber have more confidence, creativity, and resolve in escaping from her husband’s abuse. She has no way of knowing if it is helping Amber whose abusive husband is escalating.

PLOT POINT 2 — Amber drugs and then kills her husband and is arrested for premeditated murder. Morgan and the rest of the guild are arrested for incitement to murder and aiding and abetting in a murder.

CRISIS — Amber’s lawyer says it wasn’t Amber’s fault because Morgan and her group used their mind control to get her to kill. She was acting in self defense made lethal by their meddling. Morgan’s husband is furious about the bad press she has brought him and the danger to herself. The guild is angry about being dragged into the courtroom like this.

CLIMAX — Amber is acquitted of all charges after members of the guild and other experts on abuse testify that she was on track to be murdered by her husband due to the escalating abuse. The prosecution comes after Morgan and the guild who use a “there’s no proof that this works” defense and say that they were there to support Amber with nothing more than “thoughts and prayers”.

RESOLUTION — Morgan and the guild are acquitted for lack of evidence that their “thoughts and prayers” directly influenced Amber.

FINAL PAGE — Since Morgan is vindicated and exonerated and so is Amber, maybe this is the new model for fighting abuse, but at what cost to the practitioners? Look what they all went through. Vilifying Morgan got Amber off, vilifying Amber and Daniel gets Morgan off.

FINAL LINE/IMAGE: Amber, now working as Morgan’s designer, says “Let’s help <this woman> the way you helped me.” There is a nod of understanding as they admire Morgan’s new gown.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 – Reaction to Midpoint

What I learned doing this assignment is my beat sheet was more complete because I had outlined the movie in a previous class (Action). When actually writing the scenes, I add transition scenes, etc. as I go sort of automatically. Less to do on the 4th day.

OUTLINE:

Key Scene 1: React/Rethink the new reality revealed by Midpoint

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – LATER

Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead for a bio break. Ivy and the parents share info about the FBI radio’s tracker and Nick’s cottage plan, Ivy will see them at the cottage. The parents tell Nick about the radio tracker. He doesn’t believe them.

EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

Nick sees an older car for sale, stops, buys it with cash, makes them change clothes again, this time in ridiculous Christmas outfits. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, so Nick throws it into an open moving vehicle because he trusts her opinion – and it stinks.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at gas station. Orders hit men to clean up everyone at the house — they know where it is.

EXT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – MORNING

Ivy talks to Joy on the phone. She’s found Nick’s great aunt’s house and plans to sneak in. She leaves the hippie in a nearby park and walks back to the house.

Key Scene 2: Makes a new plan.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

Ivy investigates the house — key was under the mat. It is old lady chic. She hears a car outside, sees it is Nick’s clunker.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

At the lake house Grizzly is excited (happy) to see Ivy and Nick sees her when she’s trying to get Grizzly to leave her. They fight, holiday style, with the parents trying to stop Nick. Ivy realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup.

Key Scene 3: Things start going well, until…

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Nick tells her to call the President and fill him in. President tells them to hole up until he can get it all sorted. He trusts Ivy.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick is in a kayak with Ivy’s phone. He takes it to the middle of a lake, sets it afloat in a milk jug and goes back to the lake house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says Rudy needs his HBP med. He says they need to move and grabs a couple of keys from his aunt’s key rack, telling the parents to fill in the rack with other keys.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

Nick and Ivy look for meds in the houses on either side of the parents, and don’t get caught. Ivy raids the medicine chest for meds and leaves. (Fun distraction at door).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

Nick raids the refrigerator and pantry, putting things in a grocery sack and takes keys from the key rack. Everyone trusts their neighbors here and he seems to know them all. He leaves.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

They return, Nick tells them to grab anything they think will be useful. They are going to another house.

EXT. DINGHY – DAY

Bundled up and dressed as Santa and his elves, the parents and Ivy get in a dinghy. They hear car doors and Nick runs down the iced over canal, pulling the dinghy. Later, we see Ivy pulling the dinghy and finally both of them. They stop at a boat ramp, help the parents out. A snowmobiling group shows up, they ask for a lift and ride to Lake House 4 (or thereabouts).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

Ivy is cleaning up the kitchen after a meal. Nick is sleeping like a baby, Grizzly cuddled between his shoulder and ear. Holly and Rudy doze in chairs. Holly catches some sleep too.

END OF LESSON 18

Key Scene 4: Turning Point – Protagonist faces their lowest low.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Holly turns the TV on. The newsman says the search is going house to house. The TV shows the assassins intermingled with FBI agents.

END OF ACT 3

SCENES

INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

NICK is driving, HOLLY and RUDY are still huddled under the Santa suit in the back seat.

Nick sniffs the air, looks around, sees Grizzly sitting next to the FBI radio in the passenger seat.

NICK

You didn’t.

Holly and Rudy wake up, look around, wondering.

Grizzly whines, puts her head down.

NICK

You did. You little bitch!

HOLLY

I didn’t do anything.

Nick shakes his head, furious.

NICK

Grizzly did. She peed on the FBI radio.

Nick looks ahead at the deserted road, spots a driveway into an abandoned farmstead, pulls in.

He stops the car, pulls wipes from his go bag on the floor and cleans up the radio.

NICK

This is gross. Why didn’t you tell me you had to go?

Grizzly whines and looks at him with pleading tiny poodle eyes. Nick softens.

NICK

Alright. Maybe you tried.

Holly and Rudy smile at each other and chuckle in the back seat.

NICK

You two, stay right here. Do not move a muscle!

He gets out of the car, turns back, waiting for Grizzly. She doesn’t move.

NICK

I see. You blew the whole wad on the radio. Nice work partner.

He leans in to talk to Holly and Rudy.

NICK

Unlike you, I didn’t get a break at the rest area. I’m going to visit some thirsty bushes. Don’t move.

Holly and Rudy chuckle again.

INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT

IVY watches from a distance, pulled over on the deserted road’s shoulder, lights out. She rolls down the van’s window and slips out, moving stealthily toward Nick’s clunker.

Once there, she taps on Rudy’s window, telling him to roll it down.

Rudy tries, but without power, he can’t.

Ivy moves to the passenger side, away from Nick’s tracks and opens Holly’s door.

Grizzly immediately jumps to the back seat, neatly landing between Holly and the open door.

IVY

Do you need to get out, little sweetie?

HOLLY

She went on the FBI radio.

IVY

Tell your chauffeur to get rid of that thing. That’s how the FBI, and I, have been tracking you. I don’t know how he could be so stupid.

Ivy picks up and cuddles Grizzly who rubs on her.

HOLLY

He’s had a lot on his mind, I think.

RUDY

He’s a hell of a fighter. Saved us from the foreign dudes.

IVY

Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

Grizzly licks her hand.

IVY

Well I’m sure you think he’s a good guy, you little cutie.

RUDY

I think he’s a really good guy.

HOLLY

Really good. You should consider dating him.

Ivy immediately puts Grizzly down, gets serious.

IVY

Are you two out of your mind? I’m trying to keep you alive.

HOLLY

So is Nick.

RUDY

He’s taking us to his great aunt’s lake house in Iowa. He hasn’t been more specific than that.

IVY

I’m sure Joy can find it for me. I’ll see you guys there. And make sure he gets rid of that radio.

Grizzly whines. Ivy picks her up, gives her a hug and plants a kiss on the top of her head.

IVY

Be good, you two.

She slips Ivy back over the seat to the front.

IVY

Shut the door when he gets back. Tell your chauffeur you thought the dog had to go potty if he asks.

Ivy slips away into the dark.

INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – MOMENTS LATER

NICK opens the front door, slips in.

NICK

Why is that door open? Did I not tell you to stay in the car?

RUDY and HOLLY exchange a look. Holly nods for Rudy to speak.

RUDY

Grizzly was moving around. We though maybe she needed a potty break. She didn’t go out, though.

HOLLY

We thought she might change her mind and left the door open for you.

Nick rolls his eyes, pats Grizzly on the head.

HOLLY

Are you married?

Nick looks at her in the mirror, frowning, wondering.

NICK

Why are you asking?

HOLLY

Just curious. You’re rather good looking, seem to have plenty of money for a mall Santa.

RUDY

And you’re a really good fighter.

Nick fires up the car, backs out of the farmstead.

NICK

No, I’m not married and I’m not interested in you Holly. I’m never interested in married women.

Holly and Rudy laugh. Eventually, Nick smiles too.

After a moment, Rudy nudges Holly, pointing slightly toward the radio. Holly addresses Rudy, not Nick.

HOLLY

Don’t those FBI radios have trackers in them the same way phones do?

Nick closes his eyes, mortified.

RUDY

I think so.

NICK

Damn it! How could I be so stupid!

EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER

Nick rolls onto a four-lane, pulls up behind a pickup without a topper, rolls down his passenger window.

HOLLY

We’re freezing back here. Shut that window.

Nick speeds up, passes the pickup, doing an underhand throw of the radio that lands neatly in the pickup bed.

He rolls up his window, backs off from the pickup, rolls up the window, and takes the next exit.

EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

NICK pulls in to a parking spot on a deserted residential street. Picks up his go bag. Walks down the street.

EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

NICK knocks on the door. A scraggly looking young man answers.

Nick hands him a wad of cash and takes the keys from him.

He opens the car door, sets his go bag on the seat, opens the bag. GRIZZLY hops out. He rezips the bag and shoves it onto the floor on the passenger seat.

NICK

Let’s go pick up some new duds for Holly and Rudy.

INT. NICK’S CAR – NIGHT

NICK is driving on a four lane highway again, wearing the Santa suit.

HOLLY and RUDY are in elf costumes, asleep in the back seat. GRIZZLY is asleep in Nick’s lap.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Several TERRORISTS are in the office with the HEAD TERRORIST.

HEAD TERRORIST

Dasher and his men are idiots. Complete rout at the easiest place to catch them.

TERRORIST

What do we do now?

HEAD TERRORIST

Call in Vickson and Cometti. Tell them to stand by to clean up Dasher and his crew. Give them the go-ahead as soon as we find out where Santa and his crew are going next. Then they can take out Santa and his crew, but not the parents. Is that clear?

TERRORIST

Yes, boss.

The head terrorist contemplates, venom in his eye.

EXT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – MORNING

IVY is driving slowly on a cramped residential street of lake cottages. She is on the phone.

IVY

I took a drive by of the great aunt’s house. It looks deserted. I’ll sneak in and wait for them.

JOY

What’s the plan?

IVY

I’ve parked the van at Van Meter park. I told the hippie couple I’d get them their van back today. Have it towed to the rest area where I picked it up. I’ll leave the keys in it.

JOY

How do we find them?

IVY

My guess is they’ll still be sleeping in my car at the rest area. Have the tow truck pick that up and have it deep cleaned.

Ivy shudders. Joy laughs.

JOY

Will do, boss.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Amazing Final Line!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I needed to choose which is the ultimate question of my story — my protagonists goal of being more than a trophy wife to her husband or the dramatic question, do mind control methods work? There are a lot of things I will need to change in earlier scenes to make this work. I’ll revise the outline to reflect them so when I write the script, I’ll remember to put them in. My final scene is a denouement. The scene just previous settles the “will they, or won’t they, win in court” big battle.

LINES/IMAGES

Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about.

Do Mind Control methods work?

Answer: Yes.

How expressed: Amber, now working as Morgan’s designer, says “Let’s help <this woman> the way you helped me. “

B. Finally, we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.

Is Morgan more than a trophy wife and beloved possession of her husband Gavin’s? Is she more than just a trophy wife?

Answer: Yes

How expressed: Gavin, glad that Morgan was exonerated, says, “Please don’t ever let your friends hate me enough to make you kill me.”

C. Solve the puzzle:

Do mind control methods work? Did Amber know she was being helped?

Answer: Yes

How expressed: Amber, now working as Morgan’s designer, says “Let’s help <this woman> the way you helped me. “

I choose A & C above as both say mind control works and worked in this case.

I almost chose B which answers Morgan’s quest to be more than a trophy wife to her husband. I may use that earlier.

SCENE

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

MORGAN is modeling a partially finished gala gown. The designer (AMBER) is hidden behind the skirt.

MORGAN

This is going to be perfect for the awards show.

The designer continues to pin/adjust things on the back of the gown, out of sight as Morgan preens.

MORGAN

You’re so much easier to work with than my last designer. I feel like we’re collaborating on this one.

AMBER

(still out of sight)

I think we work well together. You share your great ideas with me, I make you look stunning, and you give me credit.

Amber stands, steps back, looks at the dress in the mirror.

Morgan smiles, her eyes meeting Amber’s in the mirror.

MORGAN

We make a good team.

AMBER

We do.

Amber adjusts one more thing on Morgan’s dress.

AMBER

Okay, you can change.

Morgan moves toward the dressing room.

AMBER

Morgan.

Morgan turns, looking like a model posing for a cover shot.

AMBER

A woman I met at the shelter contacted me. She has a broken ankle, a six year old daughter. Can you help her?

Morgan smiles, considers, nods, ducks into the changing room.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Has Completed Act 2 Draft 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s easier for me to write chronologically. I had already finished the extra scenes I needed. I have one fight scene to write yet, but will do that later.

I didn’t add any new scenes.

I edited mostly for continuity. Everything else seemed okay for now.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Final Page!

What I learned doing this assignment is that my story was bland and coming up with a better final page has given me three different directions I can take with it. Each of them will change my opening and turning points in different ways. I have some evaluation and rewrites to do. Good thing I’m still in the beat sheet stage with most of my script!

The Setup / Payoff final page: <div>

In the opening scene, Morgan’s husband dismisses her Waterman Method work as a silly hobby, something to keep her busy. It’s clear he sees her as arm candy, a child to be indulged.
After her Waterman work gives a number of women the courage and confidence they need to find a way out of abusive situations (including one killing her husband in a rather calculated way), he volunteers to testify in court that she cannot have been an accessory to the murder because her Waterman work is nonsense. Morgan goes home and does some Waterman work to make her husband value and appreciate her Waterman work.

Final Page: A few weeks after she is exonerated, she is doing Waterman at a slightly larger desk. The niche she has been in has been converted to a cozy reading area. Her husband gets her attention, apologizes for interrupting her work and asks her to join him on the sofa when she’s finished. He’d like to consult her on something in his next book.

<div>

B. The Contrast final page:

A. Morgan gives Amber confidence and empowerment to do something to get away from her husband. The “something” turns out to be murdering him. Morgan is charged with incitement to murder.

B. Final Page: Morgan is exonerated from the charges. Then, later, at home, her husband asks why she is still “doing that nonsense” when he sees her doing Waterman at her little desk in his study. Cut to her doing waterman in her walk in closet, a look of disdain on her face whenever she looks toward the door of the closet — obviously disgusted with her husband

C. The Climax/Resolution final page.

A. Setup — Morgan is arrested for incitement to violence, goes to court with a complex trial strategy.

B. Final Page: Morgan is exonerated. Simply end there.

D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page:

A. Setup — Students of Waterman know that their work accomplishes their goals. The establishment doesn’t believe it is real, can’t prove it is not, tries to use it as a scapegoat.

B. Final Page: Morgan is vindicated and exonerated and so is Amber. Maybe this is the new model for fighting abuse, but at what cost to the practitioners. Look what Morgan went through. Vilifying Amber and Daniel gets Morgan off, vilifying Morgan gets Amber off.

E. The One Last Gesture final page:

A. Setup — Amber is enraged when she hears that the guild had empowered her to fight back or protect herself. She has become a murderer because of them.

B. Final Page — Amber recommends someone contact the guild for help.

F. The Shock final page:

A. Setup — Morgan is furious with Daniel and how he never takes her ideas for improvements to his designs unless he can claim them as his own ideas. She plots to have Amber kill him as a means of revenge — she was looking for a way to murder him all along?? Wow!

B. Final Page — Morgan looks at a picture of someone else who has thwarted or argued with her and says, “You’re next.”

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Rules!

What I learned doing this assignment is that somehow I must have missed the part where we actually write the entire screenplay. I have written early scenes where we were instructed to write a scene, but haven’ written the entire screenplay. I may have to “30 Day Screenplay” this pretty soon if we don’t actually write soon.

RULE 5 – Don’t go On-The-Nose

Amber and Morgan (and the rest of the Guild) are found not guilty in court after a vigorous battle that examines both sides of the Waterman Method.

RULE 6 – Climax Location

The climax is in the courtroom.

RULE 7 – Must keep us guessing to the very end.

Amber gets off on a Burning Bed defense.

The guild (and Morgan) get off because the court does’t believe what they do really works as Waterman says it does. It is both a victory and a defeat. A victory that they get off. A defeat that Waterman’s power to help people isn’t acknowledged. Medicine and Mind Control from a distance are deemed null and void.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 TP – Midpoint

What I learned doing this assignment is I needed to expand this section to provide intercuts, observations, etc. to make the scene work.

OUTLINE

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE — NIGHT

Ivy has been tracking the parents using her own methods — finding/following Nick, unsure if he’s a good or a bad guy. She sees Dasher and his goons enter the C-store and deflates the goon’s tires and has their car electronically disabled. She puts a tracker on Nick’s car.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick battles the agents at a rest stop. Again, Nick defeats those who followed them and escapes.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick finds Ivy’s tracker on his car and escapes.

Ivy follows him onto the highway.

SCENE

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

IVY (into phone)

Three seven four, got it?

JOY (O.S.)

Got it.

27.

IVY
Report it stolen and disable it.

Fast!

JOY On it.

(pauses)
What about Santa’s car?

IVY
I want to see how he deals with these

guys first. He stopped for a rest break, he’s kind — or else he couldn’t stand Rudy’s whining any more.

JOY
But he’s still holding them hostage?

IVY
I don’t know. I’ll check back when

I know. INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Blitzkrieg goes in the Men’s room. There is a general rumble of “What the hell?” From inside. He emerges, shaking his head.

Nick moves closer to the Family Bathroom, snatching up a kid’s stray mitten from the floor.

INT. WOMEN’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

DASHER enters the Women’s bathroom holding his badge in front of him like a shield, causing consternation and fear in the occupants.

AGENT DASHER
FBI. Nothing to fear. Just checking

something.

He looks under the doors of all of the stalls, women inside shriek, others shrink from him as he moves through the crowded bathroom. Still holding his badge out in front of him, he exits the bathroom.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

DASHER spots NICK lingering in front of the Family Bathroom, doesn’t recognize him as Santa.

AGENT DASHER Who’s in there?

28.

INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly listens at the door as Rudy stands in front of the toilet. Rudy and Holly freeze when they hear the conversation outside – Rudy, midstream.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

NICK
My wife and the kids. They’ll be a

while.

Dasher doesn’t look convinced. Nick fiddles with the kid- sized mitten.

NICK (CONT’D)
Two diaper changes — the bad kind.

Dasher grimaces.
INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly does an imitation of a whiny kid. Rudy indicates he’s struggling to finish the job.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

The kidnappers move to another part of the Rest Stop. Nick taps on the door.

NICK
Hurry it up in there. They’re gone.

INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Rudy groans and Holly rolls her eyes. EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Ivy stands by a young couple in an old van, proffering her keys.

IVY
Even trade and I’ll throw in gas

money. I just need it until tomorrow.

VAN GUY Is it hot?

IVY
No, I just need a different vehicle

for a quick run to pick up some friends. Sleep in my car for the night. I’ll be back in the morning with the van.

29.

The young couple considers, doubting.

IVY (CONT’D) Alright, truth. There’s a really

hot guy waiting for me just over there. I want to bang him all night and he’s willing. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for me because he’s got the biggest dick I’ve ever seen, but he’s got a bad back so we can’t do it in our cars — or in a stall.

She hands over another $100 bill.

IVY (CONT’D)

New sheets.
They consider. She hands over another couple of bills.

IVY (CONT’D) New mattress.

The guy pockets the money and they swap keys. Ivy flashes her badge.

IVY (CONT’D)
No drugs or dope in my car. I’m

Secret Service. Now scoot!

The couple looks shocked, but hustles away.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

HOLLY and RUDY emerge from the bathroom and NICK hustles them out a back door.

EXT. REST STOP – CONTINUOUS

NICK hustles HOLLY and RUDY into the back seat of the car.
He turns and sees the kidnappers heading toward the exit doors.

NICK
Don’t even think about getting out

of this car. I’ll be back.

Holly giggles at the Schwarzenegger line and Rudy groans at her.

Nick skirts the parking lot and then heads back toward the rest area door.

IVY stands next to the van, on high alert, watching Nick. ###CHOREOGRAPH THE FIGHT SCENE HERE — LOTS OF HOLIDAY WEAPONS.

30.

31. INTERCUT AS NEEDED with BELOW OBSERVATIONS/CONVERSATIONS

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Holly and Rudy watch from the car and are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.

INT. VAN – NIGHT

Ivy debates joining the fray from inside the van. She makes a call.

IVY
Is the car disabled?

JOY Yes.

IVY
Send me a picture of Santa, out of

costume.

JOY Nudes?

IVY (shocked)

No! No, I want a picture of his face.

She hangs up and looks from her phone to the fight to her phone again.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Nick takes down all of the bad guys using a variety of military fighting skills and great awareness of his surroundings.

When the bad guys are subdued and groaning, he gathers up their guns and throws them under various cars as he hustles back to his car.

INT. VAN – NIGHT

IVY looks very impressed by the picture Joy sent and Nick’s actions against the agents.

IVY Joy, disable my car.

JOY Your car? Why?

IVY
I loaned it to some hippies. Just

do it.

JOY Got it.

IVY
Oh, and thanks for the pic. I’m

pretty sure he’s not with the kidnappers from the mall, but I don’t know why he’s driving cross-country. Later.

She hangs up and watches the action.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy are shocked at Nick’s skills.

HOLLY He’s good.

RUDY
No kidding. Even better than when

he was Santa. Nick enters the car.

NICK You two alright?

HOLLY We’re fine. Are you?

NICK
We’re all good. Buckle up.

Nick hightails it out of the parking lot. Holly looks out the back window.

HOLLY
The kidnappers are watching us.

NICK
Damn, we’ll have to change cars again.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Ivy sits in the van, watching the bad guys gathering their wits. Waiting.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 Middle Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that having written certain scenes for the Action class really speeds up the writing here, although I’ve had to modify them to include the “Old ways don’t work” illustrations. I still need to choreograph the fight scene at the convenience store.

OUTLINE

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

INT. DASHER’S CAR – AFTERNOON

On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll have them soon since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.

INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Ivy calls Joy at the SS office, has her track down Nick. She watches him buy the new car, but loses him in traffic. She doesn’t know if she can trust Nick.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands. President demands proof of life.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe and the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.

Midpoint Turning Point:

Somehow, tracking the FBI radio Nick has, the bad guys find and follow Nick and the parents.

INT. DASHER’S CAR – EVENING

Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follow him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – NIGHT

The parents need a bio break and food so they stop at a gas station to fuel up and use the bathroom in the convenience store. Nick is careful and trusts no one.

EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT

Dasher’s car pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the convenience store.

SCENES

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

The HEAD TERRORIST is cocky, full of himself, sitting erect behind his desk, phone in hand.

HEAD TERRORIST
I will only say this once more. I

need to speak to the President immediately regarding his parents or they die.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Intercut a phone call as needed.
The President’s AIDE, young, scared, timid, responds.

AIDE
The President is in very sensitive

international negotiations. I’m afraid that’s impossible.

HEAD TERRORIST
Then tell him his parents just died

and it’s your fault.
The Aide looks around the room in a panic, but he’s alone.

AIDE Just a minute.

He taps on a conference room door.

PRESIDENT (O.S.) I’ll see to this. Excuse me for

just a moment.
The conference room door opens a crack.

AIDE
Mr. President, there’s a man on the

phone who wants to talk to you. He says if you don’t come to the phone right now, he’ll kill your parents.

PRESIDENT
I’m in the middle of in international

arms pact negotiations right now. Take a message.

AIDE
He says that is the message. He has

your parents and they’ll die if you don’t talk to him right now.

23.

The President slips out the door, takes the phone.

He puts the phone on speaker. Indicates the Aide should take notes. He whips out a notebook and pen, ready.

The President speaks into the phone.

I’m here.

PRESIDENT

HEAD TERRORIST
We have your parents. If you want to see them alive, you’ll free the seven Vildicant Treasury prisoners

being held by your CIA and put fifty million dollars in our account. I’ll text you the number.

PRESIDENT
I’m not going to do anything until I

know you have my parents and that they’re safe. Let me talk to them.

HEAD TERRORIST
How about I do like the movies and

send you a picture of them holding a newspaper or watching TV news.

PRESIDENT Proof of life.

He hangs up on the terrorist. INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

PRESIDENT
What does the Secret Service say? My parents were in Chicago when I

spoke to them last night.

AIDE I’ll find out.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
The President slips out of the conference room again.

AIDE
I’m pretty sure your parents came

here this morning. I think their doubles are still in Chicago.

The President cocks his head, unsure.

24.

AIDE (CONT’D)
I checked with the FBI and they’re

all over it. They should have the doubles back any minute.

PRESIDENT
You’re sure my parents are already

here in town?

AIDE
I’m sure. You need to get back to

the negotiations, please. They’re very important.

PRESIDENT
Are you telling me what to do? You

can’t do that.

The Aide looks stricken. The President grins widely, pats the Aide on the shoulder and goes back in the conference room.

EXT. OPEN HIGHWAY – EVENING

Nick’s clunker flies down the road. He has donned the Santa hat and beard again.

Dasher’s SUV is close behind. INT. DASHER’S CAR – EVENING

DASHER talks to DONNER while the three in the back are lolling against and overtop of one another in the cramped space.

Two of the three are asleep.

The third is grimacing, trying in vain to put some distance between his groin and one of the sleeping guys’ hands.

DASHER
Where the hell is he going? We’ve

been driving for hours. Donner shrugs.

INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT

Nick’s clunker is still rolling down the highway, but now it is night. RUDY and HOLLY are in the back seat, covered with the Santa suit. Holly is leaning on Rudy, trying to sleep.

RUDY
I need to pee again.

NICK looks in the mirror, shakes his head.

25.

NICK
You must have a pee sized bladder.

You should get your prostate checked, just in case.

Rudy rolls his eyes. Holly is awake.

HOLLY
That’s what I keep telling him, but

he doesn’t listen to me. Maybe he’ll listen to you.

NICK
There’s a gas station up ahead.

Keep your pants dry ’til we get there.

RUDY
I’ll try. Step on it.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Nick’s clunker rolls to a stop at the rest stop.

NICK emerges in jeans and a plain gray hooded sweatshirt. He puts GRIZZLY in a large fanny pack, fastening it at his waist and pushing the pack to one side. Grizzly complies. She’s used to this.

He surveys the parking lot, thorough, swift, then opens the back car door for RUDY and HOLLY.

NICK
Okay, we’re in and out of here quick,

got it?

HOLLY Got it, boss.

They walk slowly to the door of the rest stop, Nick giving quiet instructions as they go.

NICK
And keep your hats on. Look down at

your feet the whole time so the cameras can’t get a good look at you. Anonymity is important in these situations.

RUDY
These situations? You’ve rescued

people before?

NICK
Army Ranger. Twenty years.

(MORE)

26.

NICK (CONT’D)
I know what I’m doing. Just follow

directions. INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

NICK points to the restroom area in the back and RUDY and HOLLY toddle back. Rudy heads for the Men’s room door, but Nick stops him. Points to the Family Bathroom.

NICK
Both of you, in there. And hurry it

up.

HOLLY
We don’t go to the bathroom together.

NICK
You do now. I said get in there.

Plug your ears and close your eyes so the person on the pot has some privacy. I can only protect one bathroom at a time.

Rudy and Holly exchange a glance, shake there heads. Nick glares. They obey.

Nick stays close to the door, pretending to shop at the baby supplies section. He picks up packages of diapers, comparing, always watching the doors and windows.

Customers stare at him, nod to each other at Grizzly’s fanny pack, shrug, move on.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT
DASHER’S crowded SUV pulls into the lot.

DASHER and the mercenaries, DONNER, BLITZKRIEG, DANSER, PRANZER, exit the vehicle.

DASHER nods at Nick’s clunker, motions to the door. Signals for DANSER and PRANZER to go around back.

Ivy’s car rolls into the parking lot, sees Dasher and his gang heading to rest stop.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 Reaction to TP 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I should definitely leave plenty of room when drafting to add more humor in the scenes and more details to the action scenes. I’ve done so. My current script is only 20 pages. Since’s it’s an Action/Comedy, I’ll need to focus on those two things in rewrites. Right now, I’m getting the bones of the script, the sequence of events, overall actions in the scenes and leaving it at that.

Act 2 Reaction scenes outlines:

EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan. He trusts his driving skills. Parents do too after first wreck.

INT. MALL – DAY

The rogue FBI agent (Dasher) rises from the rubble, bruised and beaten, and calls the FBI to get help finding the parents by tracking Santa (Nick) who he says kidnapped the parents. FBI trust Dasher.

INT. FBI HQ – DAY

The FBI launches an all-out search – APBs, BOLOs, whatever – to find Nick so they can find the kidnapped parents. They trust Dasher.

INT. MALL – AFTERNOON

Ivy, rising from the rubble, tells the mall cop her vest took the bullet and she hit her head on a kiosk. Asks what happened. Finds Nick has the parents.

INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

Nick gets the parents clothes from a client’s closet and makes them change everything since he hears about trackers in their gear on the FBI radio. Owners trusted Nick with keys/pets.

EXT. CAR LOT – DAY

Nick leaves his old car near his apartment and uses cash to buy an old clunker (with no electronics) at a used car lot since his car and plates have been id’d (again, via the FBI radio). Nick negotiates on the car.

EXT. DOG SITTING APT – AFTERNOON

Nick hustles the parents into the car, tells them he’s taking them to his great aunt’s lake cottage — no phones, trackers, GPS, etc. They should be safe. They trust Nick.

I adjusted a few things as I wrote.

SCENES

INT. MALL – DAY

Agent DASHER rises from the rubble, bruised, beaten.

Can’t find his radio.

Calls a contact at the FBI on his phone.

DASHER

Put out an APB on the XYZ shopping mall Santa. He’s kidnapped the Christmas Tree.

FBI CONTACT

Christmas Tree?

DASHER

The President’s parents, you moron.

FBI CONTACT

And the mall Santa took them?

DASHER

Yeah. Contact the mall. Get his name, vehicle, whatever. They took off in his car. If it’s a late model, have it killed. I’ll find them.

Dasher hangs up, rousts the mercenaries who are nursing their wounds, heads for an exit.

IVY is still half buried in the pile of plush dogs.

EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

NICK rolls away from the mall, dodging traffic, turning corners one after another. Checking, watching, to see anyone spots them.

FBI RADIO

Code Red. The Christmas Tree has been abducted. Repeat. The Christmas Tree has been abducted. Last seen leaving the XYZ shopping mall. Activating clothing and phone trackers now.

Nick glances in the rear view mirror at RUDY and HOLLY.

NICK

Did you know about the trackers?

HOLLY

I figured our phones would be because we have our son’s number in it.

RUDY

I used to sew trackers into coat linings when I was active. They were bigger then. Easier to find.

Holly nods to Rudy. Nick heaves a sigh.

INT. MALL – AFTERNOON

IVY is still swallowed up by the pile of stuffed dogs.

IVY opens her eyes.

DASHER

Come on guys. Let’s go after them.

After they’ve turned a corner, she thrashes her way out of the dog pile, groans, rubs her chest where the bullet impacted, her head where she hit the kiosk.

She pulls out her phone.

IVY

Joy, I’m in big trouble. FBI Agent Dasher had his thugs try to kill me. The mall Santa took the Christmas Tree.

JOY

The Santa you were flirting with all week?

IVY

I wasn’t flirting. I was keeping an eye on him because he was staring at us. And I was right to be suspicious. He’s taken the Christmas Tree.

JOY

Okay, okay. Lucky for you, I did a little research on him. He’s thirty-eight, single, lives in an apartment on XYZ, ex-military.

Ivy considers that last bit of info.

IVY

Find out what he did in the military. That may help us find him — and the Christmas Tree. He must been in on the planning with with Dasher.

She looks around. A crowd of shoppers are staring at her.

IVY

I’m fine. I’m leaving. Go shop.

The crowd shuffles away. She takes off, running for the exit.

INT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

NICK watches the mirrors and spots a black car following. He makes a number of quick turns, watching the street signs, speeding as much as possible.

After four or five such turns, he spots an SUV, pulling up close.

NICK

Those trackers in your clothes are working.

Then, to himself.

NICK

I’ve gotta lose these guys.

He checks the mirrors again, The black car and the SUV are behind him.

NICK

(to himself)

Excellent. Let’s go a little faster.

(louder)

Tighten those seatbelts and hold on. Things are going to get crazy.

Nick speeds up when he gets to a place that is one way, two lanes and no traffic. He moves to the left lane, speeds up more as the two cars block both lanes, the SUV pulling up on his right to cut him off.

One of the mercenaries is driving the SUV. It could be DASHER in the car.

NICK

Perfect.

He makes a quick left into a side street that curves slightly up ahead. Nick guns it.

Both vehicles follow, gaining speed to match his, but the SUV has fallen behind him now, next to the car.

Nick rounds the curve, gaining more speed. The vehicles follow suit.

The alley abruptly narrows to a small, single lane alley.

The car and the SUV collide with the brick building walls on either side of the alley and with each other, jerking to a stop in a noisy, dusty, crunched together wreck that leaves both vehicles wedged in with no way for the drivers to get out except the trunk of the car and back hatch of the SUV.

Nick laughs.

NICK

That ought to keep them busy for a little while.

INT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY

NICK gets out of the car and grabs his go back. Grizzly jumps into the driver’s seat. Nick scoops her up and sets her on his shoulder.

He opens the back door.

NICK

Let’s go. Time to get rid of those trackers.

HOLLY looks around, horrified, after she exits the car.

HOLLY

I’m not taking my clothes off here.

Nick rolls his eyes.

NICK

Did I tell you to do that?

Holly shrugs.

NICK

The elevator’s right there. Hold it for me.

Nick flips open his trunk, pulls out a car cover, tosses it over the vehicle expertly, tightens it down.

INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

HOLLY and RUDY are seated in a nice apartment, fidgeting, impatient. Nick’s go bag is on the floor.

RUDY

Some coffee would be nice.

HOLLY

I’ll make some.

(calling)

Santa, would you like some coffee too?

NICK emerges from the bedroom, Channukah sweaters in one hand, sweatpants in the other. Grizzly follows close on his heels.

NICK

Don’t make coffee. The owner should never know we’re here.

RUDY

Did you break in here?

NICK

Yes and no. I dogsit for these people pretty regularly so they gave me a key. We’re just borrowing these clothes so we can get rid of the trackers so son’t spill on them.

HOLLY

What’s to spill? You said no coffee.

Nick grimaces and shakes his head.

NICK

Put these on. I’ll be back with shoes.

He turns to go back in the bedroom and stops.

NICK

Are there trackers in your underwear?

Holly and Rudy look at each other, shrug, shake their heads.

INT. DOG SITTING APT – MOMENTS LATER

NICK drops an assortment of socks and sneakers on the coffee table. HOLLY and RUDY are still on the sofa.

NICK

Find something that fits.

HOLLY looks at the pile with distaste.

NICK

Just do it.

Holly looks down at the pile, defeated.

NICK

And go ahead and make yourself some tea or something.

FBI RADIO

We’re adding the description and plates of the Christmas Tree bandit to the APB. Be on the lookout. They are believed to still be in the metro area.

Nick groans.

NICK

I have to go out for a few minutes. Lock the door and don’t let anyone in, got it?

RUDY

Got it.

Nick grabs his go bag, sets Grizzly on his shoulder and heads out the door.

EXT. CAR LOT – DAY

NICK is dickering with a USED CAR DEALER on a small corner lot. They are looking at an old clunker. Grizzly is sitting on the hood.

NICK

Fifteen hundred is the most I can do. Cash. Take it now or I walk.

Nick turns to Grizzly.

NICK

Am I giving him a good deal?

Grizzly gives a sharp bark.

The dealer shakes his head.

USED CAR DEALER

I’m not making any money on this —

Nick rolls his eyes.

USED CAR DEALER

But I’ll let you have it.

EXT. STREET – AFTERNOON

NICK and GRIZZLY are in the front seat of the clunker with Nick’s go bag on the floor on the passenger side.

HOLLY and RUDY are in the back, dressed in ridiculous Channukah sweaters, poorly sized sweatpants, odd jackets, and wrong-sized sneakers.

They look at each other’s clothes and sigh, shaking their heads.

Nick is driving.

HOLLY

Where are we going?

NICK

My great aunt has a cottage at a lake. No phones, no trackers, no GPS in this car that they can use to follow us. We should be able to get there by morning. We’ll be safe there until we get this all sorted out.

Holly looks at Rudy. He nods.

Holly relaxes into the seat in the back.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Powerful Setups

What I learned doing this assignment is I need to choose one and retrofit my first 2 acts to make sure the setup registers with the reader.

IDEAS:

Build their reputation

Have the shelter woman who got a job spread the word and have it mushroom from there.

B. Justification for the final actions

The escalation of violence by abusers says it’s going to be fatal at some point. It came down to him or her so the guild was justified in fortifying her as much as possible and instilling a strong desire for survival — all good things, but when it’s kill or be killed, it leads to violence.

C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions

Amber was all alone when she decided to drug and then stab her husband. The guild can’t prove they helped and nether can the courts. Did they really help?

D. Discuss the final actions openly.

The guild needs witnesses to say that violence cannot be provoked by the Waterman Method; the practitioners never had access directly with Amber; etc.

E. Twists that take it away.

Amber survives, but kills someone in cold blood to do so.

F. Alternate Hope/Fear

Morgan will help Amber with the book; Amber gets beaten up instead; Morgan will call the police; Richard gets a restraining order against her for his whole family.

G. Create and pay off emotional setups.

Amber is a sympathetic figure as an abused younger wife. Morgan is a sympathetic figure in that her husband treats her like a child and try as she might, she can’t get the world to respect her because she was a trophy wife to start with.

H. Suspense around the outcome.

The police, prosecutor and public think the guild pushed Amber to violence as they apparently had some women at the shelter. They did not stipulate violence, only escape, but the public doesn’t think of it that way.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Kick Ass Endings!

What I learned doing this assignment is that to use these structures, things do, indeed, have to be changes to add set-ups in earlier scenes. The Beat Sheet will come in handy for that.

Before Act 3, Amber has been beaten and Morgan tried to help her by giving her a self-help book. Morgan is served with a restraining order to stay away from Amber and her husband, Daniel. Daniel has beaten Amber enough to put her in the hospital. Amber knows the statistics. It’s him or her. She uses her saved up pain meds to doctor a cake that puts him to sleep. Then she calmly places the knife directly over his heart and pushes it in. She pulls it out, waits until he’s dead, and calls the police.

Basic actions in Act 3:

1. Amber is interrogated, her fresh bruises noted.

2. A police woman is a guild member and has told her partner about the mind control work the guild is doing. He tells the prosecution and, since more woman have fought back, injuring their abusers in recent weeks, the prosecutor decides to press charges against the guild members for incitement to murder, aiding and abetting and anything else he can think of.

3. Morgan’s husband wants to protect her by testifying on her behalf saying all she did was offer Amber thoughts and prayers. Morgan feels belittled by his protective condescension.

4. The court finds Amber not guilty — her action was self-defense.

5. The lawyer in the guild presents a passionate defense of the guild members, having them all testify, even the Waterman teacher and a variety of other experts in abuse.

6. The charges are dropped/defeated.

7. Publicity bills Morgan only as “Famous writer Gavin Day’s wife” — as though she is only a trophy wife, a nobody.

8. Morgan is working with a female designer who mentions that her neighbor is suffering spousal abuse. Morgan hands her a Waterman book and tells “thoughts and prayers” are all they can do for the woman.

THE ULTIMATE CONFRONTATION

Requirements for this ending:

Antagonist is significantly more powerful than the protagonist. <div>

The antagonist must be stopped at all costs.

The antagonist has done enough bad things to cause little old ladies to yell “Kill the bastard!”

Implementation for this movie:

The antagonists are: a) the police, who didn’t help Amber when she needed it, b) the prosecutor who can prove premeditated murder, c) a policeman who heard what the guild was doing from his partner, a guild member, on a weekly basis leading up to the murder, d) a history of women from the shelter Amber once went to who have committed violence against their abusers — reported by the policeman and verified by police reports. </div><div>

Amber killed Richard because he was not only physically abusing her, but had started pushing around her 4 and 2 year olds. He could have easily killed them.

The guild members were powerless to help her in anything but Waterman work because of the restraining order and no charges levied against Richard by Amber who had feared (and rightly so) retaliation.

Richard had cut off all of her options for getting help — no phone, computer, internet, car keys, cash or credit cards, stamps — she had literally no way to reach anyone else since he locked her in the house in their fancy fenced neighborhood.

The guild members (policewoman, nurse, shelter manager) all knew she was in trouble so participated to find any way at all that she could help herself.

RETURN HOME, ONLY IT IS DIFFERENT

Requirements for this ending:

1. Doesn’t require a big bang ending

2. The protagonist has been changed by her foray into the world and that is reflected when they return home. Things have changed.

3. That change is reflected in the way things now are at home.

Implementation for this movie:

1. Logic and evidence free Amber and Amber has access to the family money so she can get on with her life, raising her children.

2. Evidence that Waterman cannot be proven to have caused Amber to act in defense of herself and her kids frees the guild.

3. As the trials progress, other guild members are identified in the media by their professions, Morgan is only listed as a famous author’s wife — they don’t even say her name. her husband is angry and let down by her because of the negative publicity. Her self-esteem and belief in her power and new self-identity crumbles. She is once again just a trophy wife.

4. When exonerated, her husband says she must give up Waterman and that now their life can go back to normal. He suggests she get a gown for another awards banquet/dance where he will be honored for his work.

5. The seamstress making her gown gives her news of someone who needs help and she suggests Waterman and we see that she planning to continue her work to save women.

6. She moves her Waterman setup from her husband’s study to her large walk-in closet. We know she plans to continue without her husband’s knowledge.

END WITH A FUTURE

Requirements for this ending:

The most important question for the protagonist is answered.
The suggested future is an answer to the main question of the movie.</div><div>

Implementation for this movie:

The main question of the movie is “Can Morgan find a way to be more than just a trophy wife to her famous author husband?”

1. Logic and evidence free Amber and Amber has access to the family money so she can get on with her life, raising her children.

2. Evidence that Waterman cannot be proven to have caused Amber to act in defense of herself and her kids frees the guild.

3. The trial has highlighted Morgan as the wife of a famous novelist and people start sending fan mail and help requests to her husband’s contact info. He gives them to her, is impressed by how impassioned her fans are and recognizes her as a force beyond her “trophy wife-dom”.

4. We exit seeing her opening her fan mail at a little larger desk that she used to have in her husband’s study. He is obviously proud of her,

MAJOR LAYER UNCOVERED

Requirements for this ending:

A key component of the story is hidden throughout the story.
The component is directly connected to the main conflict of the story.
It needs to somehow be responsible for much of what has happened in the story.

Implementation for this movie:

The obvious key component here is the effectiveness of the Waterman method.

The “proof of effectiveness” of the Waterman method can be hidden throughout the story.
The use of the technique empowers Amber to act against her abusive husband.
It is responsible for the women at the shelter getting jobs, fighting back when attacked, and movie got with their lives.

Right now, that “effectiveness” is touted loudly and clearly by guild members throughout the story so that would need to change.

GOOD GUY WINS AFTER MUCH PAIN AND RISK

Requirements for this ending:

The good guy must suffer different levels of failure. Not just in their main goal, but in many other areas of their life.
We must pile on the pain, but set up a way out that we notice only after being shown the solution.</div><div>

Implementation for this movie:

Amber, while definitely a good guy, is not the protagonist of the story so her acquittal is not the “win”. </div><div>

To make the protagonist, Morgan, go through hell, I would have to make her suffer a lot more. Perhaps:

Morgan is perp walked from her home and publicly identified as the author’s wife.

Gavin, her husband, is interviewed and minimizes anything she could possibly do with Waterman, belittling her by inference.

Gavin rakes her over the coals and tells her she must stop. She defies him, but moves her Waterman setup to her closet, hidden under a scarf so he won’t see it.

The media invades the guild meeting, asking everyone there about Waterman and identifying the other members.

Repercussions impact the policewoman’s stature and shelter funding. The lawyer is dissed in the media and the nurse is no longer allowed to tend abuse cases lest the hospital become liable.

When they win, it is very ambiguous since their reputations have been ruined.

GREAT PROTAGONIST STRATEGY

Requirements for this strategy:

A great strategy for the Protagonist to use. </div><div>

Covert setups to make the strategy viable.

Overt setups to convince the audience the Protagonist won’t succeed.

Implementation for this movie:

When asked by the media, make the Waterman Method seem like a magic wand. </div>

Publicize that Waterman cannot be used for evil, only good, so if violence was used against an abuser, it was totally self-defense and because the abused finally had enough confidence and inner strength to stand up to her abuser — a good thing. Confidence and inner strength are what Waterman is all about.

Gain a LOT of traction for a Waterman movement and empathy for its users who are trying to help the downtrodden.

Make Morgan a kind of guru for the Waterman brand.

Make Gavin proud of her.

She is definitely more than a trophy wife.

She is his equal in popularity and value to the world.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Three Endings

What I learned doing this assignment is changing the ending will require changing a number of setups, motivations and conflicts earlier in the screenplay and definitely in the 3rd act.

UP Ending

Beginning of 3rd Act — Amber kills her husband and Morgan is happy that Amber is safe.

Twists — Amber is arrested, Morgan is charged as an accessory to murder

Crisis — In court, Amber is show to have premeditated the murder of her abusive husband. Morgan is painted as someone who used black magic to incite Amber to kill him.

Climax: The defense proves that it was kill or be killed for Amber so self-defense wins and she is free. Morgan’s work is painted as nothing more than Thoughts and Prayers so she is off the hook, but knows she helped Morgan in spite of the characterization of her work as “only thoughts and prayers”.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both. Morgan got her goal of saving Amber, but did not get her need to be more that a trophy wife because her defense downplayed her role.

DOWN Ending

Beginning of 3rd Act — Amber kills her husband and is arrested for murder.

Twists — Word that Morgan was “helping” her and possibly inciting her angers the cops. They arrest her and to save herself, Amber testifies against her saying that she had given her the Waterman book early on, encouraged her to defy her husband rather than work things out with him, etc.

Crisis — In court, Amber testifies against Morgan as a plea bargain to go from Murder 1 to Manslaughter. The other members of the guild testify against Morgan saying she was trying to incite Amber to get out by any means and knew that her other efforts and invoked violence by abused women.

Climax — Amber is sent to prison for manslaughter for twenty years. Her pre-schoolers will be raised by strangers. Morgan is convicted of inciting Murder (not sure of the name of that charge) and sentenced to prison for 5 years. Her husband will probably divorce her.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both. — Amber loses her freedom and kids. Morgan loses her “more than a trophy wife” status, but not in a good way. She is seen as an evil “witch”. She loses her trophy wife status by having her husband shun her as well.

IRONIC Ending

Beginning of 3rd Act — Amber kills her husband and Morgan is happy that Amber is safe

Twists — Amber is arrested for murder, charges are lowered to manslaughter based on the abuse. Morgan and the guild are arrested for aiding and abetting. Morgan’s sense of victory leads her to believe herself very powerful, very good at mind control and she vows to help more women.

Crisis — In court, Amber’s lawyer gets experts to testify that Amber would be killed by her husband if she didn’t do anything, her position was extremely powerless. Morgan’s work is argued to be “thoughts and prayers”.

Climax — Although premeditated, Amber’s killing of her husband is deemed self-defense (burning bed style) and she is exonerated. Morgan is exonerated, but she feels vindicated in using her “powers” to help women even though most resort to violence rather than escaping abuse peacefully. Morgan’s husband finds her determination to continue reprehensible and divorces her.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both. — Morgan does help women in abusive relationships, but loses her husband’s respect and he no longer flouts her as his trophy wife. She intends to use her powers in ethically ambiguous ways that do not give her a good reputation even though they make her feel powerful and useful.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s 3rd Act Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is I need to rearrange some of the events in my final act to support the structural steps.

FIVE QUESTIONS:

1. What is it that fascinates me about this story? Exploring whether mind control and intentional medicine techniques are legal and ethical now that they have been scientifically proven to work. <div>

2. What is the main conflict of the story? Daniel’s abuse of his wife Amber is escalating. With a restraining order against Morgan, can she help Amber escape before he kills her?

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist? Morgan needs to find her place in the world. With an extremely successful husband, her trophy wife status simply isn’t enough. She wants to leave her own mark on the world.

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

Amber goes from totally hopeless abused wife to woman willing to kill to protect herself and her kids.
Morgan goes from lost trophy wife to powerful advocate for abused women and practitioner of mind control and intentional medicine to help the abused.

5. How do you want this movie to end? I want Amber to be exonerated for killing her abusive husband, to be strong, capable, and providing for her kids. I want Morgan to be good at her mind control/intentional medicine techniques and to feel at liberty to help anyone she sees in need without fear of legal retribution.

B. Short description of how they will occur in the script.

PLOT POINT 2 — Amber kills her abusive husband in a premeditated, calculated way. </div>

CRISIS — Amber is prosecuted for murder and Morgan is prosecuted as an accessory to murder.

CLIMAX — Amber and Morgan are on trial.

RESOLUTION — Amber is exonerated (self-defense) and Morgan’s “work” is deemed to be as blameless as “thoughts and prayers” — she’s exonerated too.

FINAL PAGE — Another woman approaches Morgan about her neighbor’s spousal abuse. Morgan smiles and says about all you can legally do is “thoughts and prayers” and smiles — we know she is going to continue to try to save women from abuse.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Turning Point 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had lumped the actual turning point into the next scene so I had to split it out to make it clear that they’re committed.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

HOLLY and RUDY cling to the Segway, chugging from one side of the hall to the other in what seems like slow motion, clipping a wind chime kiosk on one side.

The mall cop reaches for the Segway handles to help steer.

RUDY

Touch this again and I’ll kill you with my bare hands. You’re the lookout, not the driver.

The mall cops snickers.

HOLLY

He means it. He’s retired CIA and I’m sure he’s killed lots of people.

She hesitates.

HOLLY

Although I’m sure most of them were bad guys and you seem like a nice guy.

The mall cop bobs his head with humility.

INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

NICK emerges from the locker room, go bag in hand, still in the Santa suit, Grizzly still in her pouch.

Nick looks both ways, spots the edge of a gun as he edges out of the locker room entrance, drops the bag, pulls the gun across in front of him, smacks the gunman’s arm onto the tiled corner of the wall with a resounding crack.

The arm dangles at an impossible angle as Nick steps in front of the guy whose face is contorted in pain. Nick punches him in the face, the gut, the face again, and ends with a round house kick to the head. The guy topples.

Nick looks quickly around, drags him into locker room.

INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Nick emerges from the locker room to find one of his male elves contemplating his go bag.

NICK

There’s a guy passed out in the back. He puked back there.

The elf looks shocked.

NICK

Take a deep breath, get in and out fast.

Nick grabs the go bag and runs down the hall.

CUT TO:

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

HOLLY and RUDY continue their slow pace toward the mall door. The MALL COP is spinning in slow circles, paranoid, but more afraid of Rudy yelling at him again.

HOLLY

So did you ever hear back from your contact about Santa?

Rudy still has a death grip on the handlebars.

RUDY

Not yet.

(pauses)

The other guy shot Ivy though so, there’s that. Santa kicked his ass. That was good. He must be okay.

Holly shrugs her acceptance.

HOLLY

What are we going to do about Ivy? I loved that girl like a daughter.

RUDY

Me too. Although technically, she should have checked those guys out over night. They were here yesterday. She was never, what you might call, thorough.

HOLLY

She was sweet, though. Still, shot like that. I shudder just thinking about it.

RUDY

Stop shuddering. You’re making this thing go all crooked.

Shots of their slow progress in quick succession, crashing into:

– a cheese kiosk,

– A stained glass art kiosk,

– A mall trash can,

– A baby carriage pushed by a mother with two toddlers,

– The information desk at the mall entrance, and finally,

– The exit door.

INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Nick rounds a corner with his go bag.

The fourth mercenary, mammoth, stares at the mall cop and Segway at the mall door. He reaches for his weapon with one hand and presses a bluetooth headset with the other.

Before he can say anything, Nick grabs a thick crockery cookie jar in the shape of a Christmas tree from a kiosk, smashes it into the man’s head. The kiosk clerk is aghast.

Mercenary 4 turns slowly to stare at Nick.

NICK

Oh boy.

Nick slips off Grizzly’s pouch and rolls it across the floor behind a calendar kiosk in one smooth motion.

He reaches for another piece of crockery. The clerk gasps.

Nick glares at him. Hands raised, the clerk points to a less costly item. Nick gives a tiny nod, grabs the cheaper crock and smashes in the face of the mercenary,

Blood runs from his nose, he staggers back and Nick gives him a punch to the gut. He doubles over, Nick gives him a knee to the face. He falls to the floor. Nick looks around, spots a macrame kiosk. Grabs several bright red and green plant hangers.

INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

NICK steps back from the bound up mercenary, looking for Grizzly.

He strides behind the calendar kiosk. The kiosk’s clerk is on his knees examining the pouch in his hands with wonder.

NICK

Open it and you won’t need a calendar because you won’t see tomorrow.

The petrified clerk raises the pouch above his head without looking over his shoulder at Nick.

Nick opens the pouch and Grizzly hops onto his shoulder. He puts the pouch in his go back, strides to a mall exit, fishing his keys from his pocket.

EXT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Nick’s car screeches to a halt at the mall door. NICK jumps out, rushes to open the mall doors, practically pulls HOLLY and RUDY out of the mall and into the back seat of his car.

NICK

Belt up. That FBI guy is right behind you.

INT. NICK’S CAR – MOMENTS LATER

NICK, still in the Santa suit, burns rubber away from the mall as DASHER hobbles out of the mall to look after him.

Nick focuses on driving, but lets GRIZZLY out of her pouch without looking.

NICK

You okay little girl?

HOLLY

I’m not a little girl.

NICK

I was talking to my service dog.

He reaches over, gently scratches her head, drives like a maniac away from the mall.

They are silent for a long moment.

The FBI radio on the seat crackles.

DISPATCHER

All agents, be aware, Mr. And Mrs. Claus have been abducted from location M. Be on the lookout for a blue 2009 Honda Civic. If sighted, report the location. Do not approach. Hostages are believed to be on board.

Holly and Rudy exchange nervous glances. Nick licks his lips nervously, pats Grizzly’s head, scratches her neck.

NICK

Was that guy really FBI?

RUDY

I didn’t know him, but Ivy did.

NICK

Ivy?

RUDY

Our secret service agent. The pretty girl I saw you looking at yesterday.

HOLLY

And today.

NICK

The one who got shot?

They all look down, leaving the question in the air for a beat.

NICK

The FBI guy. What was that about?

RUDY

No idea, but if I had to guess, Agent Dasher has been turned by a foreign government. His muscle looked to be foreign mercenaries.

NICK

So you were being kidnapped?

RUDY

If we weren’t, then we are now.

NICK

I’m no kidnapper.

Nick and Rudy’s eyes meet in the rear view mirror. They reach an understanding with their glance.

The FBI radio repeats the APB.

Nick lets out a deep breath.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Inciting Incident

What I learned doing this assignment is that I will need to add more comedy in my rewrites.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

NICK rounds the corner, following MERCENARY 1.

The mercenary aims at IVY, she turns, pulling her weapon, he fires.

IVY flies backwards with the force, hits a tchotchke cart on the way down, lands in a display of giant plush dogs with Christmas bows around their necks, lies motionless in the pile of dogs.

Mercenary 1 stops momentarily as Ivy falls. Nick bulldozes him from behind, landing a blow to the side of his head that sends him face first into an artificial Christmas tree decorated with a hundred mini-lights.

Nick grabs the lights from the branches, binds the guy’s hands and feet behind him with the cord, lights still glowing. The tree digs farther and farther into the guy’s face as the lights tighten around the trunk with every tug from Nick.

When the man is thoroughly trussed, Nick stands, takes a deep breath, hand automatically checking to ensure Grizzly’s pouch is still safely at his side.

DASHER is escorting HOLLY and RUDY down the hall. They move slowly.

Nick grabs the Mercenary’s gun, rushes at DASHER, flings the gun with incredible force at Dasher’s head. It lands solidly on the side of Dasher’s head and he goes down, groaning.

CUT TO:

INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER

DASHER is trussed with an extension cord.

NICK grab’s Dasher’s FBI radio, stops, looks back at IVY, half buried in the dog pile, the two trussed up men, HOLLY, RUDY.

NICK

Are you okay?

Holly and Rudy exchange a quick glance.

HOLLY

Yes, but Ivy.

Nick shakes his head. Sorrow hits them all.

The MALL COP rounds the corner on his Segway, racing toward them, Nick glimpses another mercenary following him, trying to stay out of Nick’s line of sight behind the Segway.

The Segway draws up to Holly and Rudy. The mercenary reaches for his gun. Nick sees, knocks the man off his feet, wrestles with him on the ground.

The Santa suit padding gives Nick some protection, but the man gets Nick in a choke hold.

Nick clicks open the pouch and Grizzly leaps out, runs up the mercenary’s back to his head, bites his ear hard. Distracted by the bite, the man turns his head, all the opening Nick needs to wrest free of the man’s grip, deal a blow to his neck.

The man reaches for his gun again, they struggle with it, the gun goes off, both men freeze and blood oozes from the man’s shoulder.

Nick knocks him unconscious with one blow, places Grizzly back in her pouch as he rolls to his feet and stands face to face with the mall cop.

NICK

Get these two down to the west entrance. I’ll grab my go bag, pull my car around after I take care of this guy.

The mall cop, clearly shaken, nods vigorously, points to the west entrance.

Holly and Rudy begin walking, but it is slow.

Nick grabs the Segway, picks up Holly, places her on the Segway. Picks up Rudy, kicks his legs apart with one foot and plunks him behind Holly, feet on the Segway outside of Holly’s.

Nick spins the Segway so it’s facing him, puts Rudy’s thumbs on the brakes.

NICK

Lean forward to go, lean the handle to the side to turn, lean hard, go fast. Paul, run next to them. Keep them safe. I’ll be right there with my car.

He spins the Segway again so it’s pointing toward the west entrance. Holly and Rudy hang onto the handle for dear life.

NICK

Go!

Nick takes off at a run for the locker room, grabbing Dasher’s FBI radio from the floor as he passes it.

The Segway inches slowly forward, Rudy and Holly hanging on for dear life. The mall cop slows his walk to stay beside them.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 1 Opening Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that less is more. As I turn my outline into a script, I am cutting out preliminaries in each scene and wrap-ups and simply ending the scene when the necessary action is over. It helps to concentrate the action/disposition/description.

OPENING SCENES:

PROTAGONIST 1’S INTRODUCTION

INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING

In a spartan, dull, basement studio apartment, a tiny bedraggled fake Christmas tree, a Santa suit on a hanger and an upturned Santa hat on the nightstand are the only signs of Christmas.

On the nightstand next to a twin bed, a teacup poodle, GRIZZLY, sleeps comfortably in the upturned Santa hat.

NICK, late 30s, in the bed, sleeps, twitches, moans, eyes darting under the lids.

Grizzly wakes, alerts, growls softly. (Anxiety)

EXT. WAR ZONE – DAY

We enter the Nick’s dream.

Nick, an Army Ranger in a war zone, leads a team on a mission in a narrow, dusty village street, guns drawn, tight formation. (Anxiety)

They spread out to check doors/rooms on either side of the street. Gun fire explodes. One of Nick’s men is hit. (Fear)

Nick races through incoming fire, firing back, giving orders into his mike, takes out two of the enemy, drags the injured man to a safe space.

Nick cradles the dying soldier in his arms, tears rolling down his cheeks, rage and horror fighting for dominance in his eyes as he watches the life drain from the dying soldier’s body. (Fear)

NICK

Hang on. Hang on.

A rustle signals someone is approaching. He picks up his weapon, fires with one hand. Another enemy falls dead into the room.

A medic enters, does a quick check of the man in Nick’s arms, shakes his head.

Nick cries, shaking uncontrollably. (Devastation)

CUT TO:

INT. NICK’S APT – NIGHT

Grizzly leaps out of the upturned Santa hat, lands neatly on Nick’s pillow.

He licks Nick’s ear.

Nick’s dream morphs abruptly to one where a beautiful woman (IVY) is in bed with him, nibbling his ear. He holds her closer in his arms.

As Grizzly licks, Nick relaxes, his moans turn to those of lust and pleasure. (Relief)

Grizzly stops licking, observes Nick, alone in the bed, then barks sharply in Nick’s ear.

Nick shoots up, scoops up Grizzly fluidly as he rises to a sitting position. He holds the tiny dog in front of him, close to his face, nose to nose. Then takes a slow deep breath, in and out.

NICK

Thanks, Grizzly.

Grizzly licks his nose, barks joyously, the tiny collar on Grizzly’s neck says PTSD Service Dog. Nick nuzzles her neck.

PROTAGONIST 2’S INTRODUCTION

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – MORNING

RUDY, an 80-ish dapper retired-CIA agent with hearing aids and glasses, stands in the hallway of his apartment building, talks on a state of the art cell phone.

RUDY

My wife insists I find out out who the mall Santa is at Century Mall. You owe me. Remember Chile? Who rescued you when you were held hostage by five drug gang members? Who stopped them from cutting your throat? You can help me with this.

He pauses.

RUDY

Illegal or not, you WILL help me or I’ll tell your wife that the torture in North Africa left you infertile and it’s not her fault you don’t have kids.

The door opens

RUDY

Do it.

He quickly, pockets the phone.

IVY, late 30’s, in a stylish, business-like suit and coat, shoulder holster gun bulge evident, exits the apartment, speaks into her bluetooth headset.

IVY

I’m on the lookout for him.

Calls out into the apartment.

IVY

Holly, we’re waiting in the hall. You’ve got 30 seconds before we leave you at home.

Ivy and Rudy exchange a look. He points to himself and then Ivy.

RUDY

Fifty years of CIA experience and fifteen years of Secret Service can’t get that woman out of an apartment in less than half an hour.

IVY

(smiling)

We’re failures.

Rudy does an eye roll. Ivy laughs.

RUDY

(under his breath)

Speak for yourself.

IVY

What did you say?

RUDY

I said you should probably see for yourself if she’s actually coming or if she’s on the phone again.

Ivy fishes a holiday themed key chain crowded with keys out of her pocket.

A menacing giant of a man in coveralls enters from the fire escape at the end of the hall. Ivy pulls her gun. He rushes her, she fires, hits his shoulder, he keeps coming. She fires again, hits him between the eyes, he drops like a sack of flour. She holsters her gun.

Searches for the key she wants on the keychain.

IVY

(into bluetooth headset)

Cleanup in the hallway.

She eyes the big guy on the floor.

IVY

Probably take two people.

The apartment door opens.

HOLLY, 80-ish, attractive, smartly dressed, talks on the phone, exits the apartment.

HOLLY

When you get his name, just leave me a message with it.

She pockets her phone and heads down the hall to the elevator.

HOLLY

Are we going or not? You can’t expect Mr. Right to find you in a hallway, Ivy. Let’s go to the mall and check out that very interesting Santa.

Ivy pushes her earpiece’s button to speak.

IVY

The Christmas Tree is on the move.

The elevator door opens. Ivy pulls her gun, steps in front of Holly and Rudy, checks out the elevator.

HOLLY

Is your buddy getting that name?

RUDY

I doubt it. Against regulations. Did you have any luck?

INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

Holly shakes her head as Ivy motions for them to move to the back of the car, watching the hallway carefully as elevator doors slowly close. Holly and Rudy roll their eyes and chuckle.

RUDY

Just like a real agent.

HOLLY

We’ve got to find her a husband.

IVY

What are you two whispering about.

RUDY

We were just remarking on how professional you look today.

Ivy rolls her eyes, watching the numbers change, gun at the ready.

IVY

May I remind you, the last six guys I dated, most of which were setups from you, only wanted access to your son.

Holly and Rudy exchange rueful glances.

ANTAGONIST’S INTRODUCTION

INT. MALL – DAY

DASHER, an FBI agent, slick, upper 40s, devious, talks to four mercenaries who stand a little apart from him.

DASHER

Two of you cover the far exits like you did yesterday. This is the real thing today. You two with me. The President’s parents can’t have a hair on their heads disturbed, you understand?

The men nod.

DASHER

Take your positions. Here they come.

IVY, HOLLY and RUDY enter the mall. Ivy scans the room, hand on her gun, just in case.

Dasher flashes his badge to her. She frowns, disgusted.

IVY

Why are you here again?

Dasher swaggers closer as the four of them head down the hall in the mall.

DASHER

Just keeping tabs on the President’s parents and their Secret Service detail.

IVY

You did that yesterday.

DASHER

We’re double-checking your efficiency.

Ivy stops, confronts Dasher.

IVY

My efficiency is just fine. Yours is in doubt, however. The Secret Service detected and neutralized a threat just this morning. Where were you then?

Dasher looks down his nose at Ivy.

DASHER

Doing reconnaissance here.

She scoffs, goes back to scanning the mall, ignoring Dasher.

He smirks, follows, nods to one of his goons as they pass him.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

NICK, dressed in the Santa suit, sits on the Santa throne in his set. A child wipes his nose then wipes his hand on Santa’s suit. Isn’t satisfied, wipes his face on the suit.

CANDY, Nick’s aging elf, watches in alternating amusement and disgust.

Nick spots IVY as she passes by the set with the parents.

NICK

Grizzly, isn’t that the woman from my dream?

Nick watches GRIZZLY closely. She sits on a little table next to Santa’s throne, looks where he points, wags her tail, licks her lips.

NICK

Is she one of the good ones?

Nick scoops up Grizzly, holds her up so they are eye to eye and nearly touching.

Grizzly licks his nose.

CANDY

She’s a good one alright. You know who that is with her?

Nick shakes his head, trying to keep the kid from rubbing his snotty nose on Santa’s jacket. Nick returns Grizzly to her table, his eyes following Ivy.

CANDY

The oldsters are the President’s parents.

Nick registers surprise, then impressed.

CANDY

You should ask her out.

Nick scoffs.

Ivy, Dasher and the parents turn down a hallway and are out of sight.

Nick spots MERCENARY 1 following them, pulling a gun, intent on the group he is following.

Nick jumps up, ejecting the snotty-nosed kid. He scoops up a pouch made from two helmets hinged together with soft padding and breathing holes lining them. It flops open as he sweeps Grizzly off the table and into the pouch. As he starts to run after the man with the gun, he automatically slips the pouch on like a messenger bag.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Beat Sheet Draft 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that adding theme does, indeed, unify the purpose of many of the observations, motivations, actions, and results in the script.

BEAT SHEET

ACT 1

INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING

Nick relives the failed military mission in the war zone, Grizzly helps him morph it to a love scene and then wakes him. Nick thanks/trusts Grizzly

INT. MALL – DAY

A rogue FBI agent accompanies the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent (Ivy) to the mall. Last 6 guys she dated wanted access (intro scene??)

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick recognizes Ivy as the woman from his dream. Grizzly confirms it?? By liking her.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick sees the mercenary draw a gun, Ivy get shot, parents get abducted. He goes into rescue mode and kicks butt. Then he grabs the FBI agent’s radio and tries to sort it out. Nick trusts his capabilities and himself in this scenario.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick sends the parents to a mall entrance, gets his go-bag, (maybe fights more bad guys), and escapes with the parents in his car. They discuss reasons to trust/distrust him.

ACT 2

EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan. He trusts his driving skills. Parents do too after first wreck.

INT. MALL – DAY

The rogue FBI agent (Dasher) rises from the rubble, bruised and beaten, and calls the FBI to get help finding the parents by tracking Santa (Nick) who he says kidnapped the parents. FBI trust Dasher.

INT. FBI HQ – DAY

The FBI launches an all-out search – APBs, BOLOs, whatever – to find Nick so they can find the kidnapped parents. They trust Dasher.

INT. MALL – AFTERNOON

Ivy, rising from the rubble, tells the mall cop her vest took the bullet and she hit her head on a kiosk. Asks what happened. Finds Nick has the parents.

INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

Nick gets the parents clothes from a client’s closet and makes them change everything since he hears about trackers in their gear on the FBI radio. Owners trusted Nick with keys/pets.

EXT. CAR LOT – DAY

Nick leaves his old car near his apartment and uses cash to buy an old clunker (with no electronics) at a used car lot since his car and plates have been id’d (again, via the FBI radio). Nick negotiates on the car.

EXT. DOG SITTING APT – AFTERNOON

Nick hustles the parents into the car, tells them he’s taking them to his great aunt’s lake cottage — no phones, trackers, GPS, etc. They should be safe. They trust Nick.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON INT. DASHER’S CAR – AFTERNOON

On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll have them soon since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.

INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Ivy calls Joy at the SS office, has her track down Nick. She watches him buy the new car, but loses him in traffic. She doesn’t know if she can trust Nick.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands. President demands proof of life.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe the the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.

INT. DASHER’S CAR – EVENING

Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follow him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – NIGHT

The parents need a bio break and food so they stop at a gas station to fuel up and use the bathroom in the convenience store. Nick is careful and trusts no one.

EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT

Dasher’s car pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the convenience store.

Ivy has been tracking the parents using her own methods — finding/following Nick, unsure if he’s a good or a bad guy. She sees Dasher and his goons enter the C-store and deflates the goon’s tires and has their car electronically disabled. She puts a tracker on Nick’s car.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick battles the agents at a rest stop. Again, Nick defeats those who followed them and escapes.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT
Nick finds Ivy’s tracker on his car and escapes. Ivy follows him onto the highway.

ACT 3

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – LATER

Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead for a bio break. Ivy and the parents share info about the FBI radio’s tracker and Nick’s cottage plan, Ivy will see them at the cottage. The parents tell Nick about the radio tracker.

EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

Nick sees an older car for sale, stops, buys it with cash, makes them change clothes again, this time in ridiculous Christmas outfits. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, so Nick throws it into an open moving vehicle because he trusts her opinion – and it stinks.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at gas station. Orders hit men to clean up everyone at the house — they know where it is.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

At the lake house Grizzly is excited (happy) to see Ivy and Nick sees her when she’s trying to get Grizzly to leave her. They fight, holiday style, with the parents trying to stop Nick. Ivy realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup.

ACT 4

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Nick tells her to call the President and fill him in. President tells them to hole up until he can get it all sorted. He trusts Ivy.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick is in a kayak with Ivy’s phone. He takes it to the middle of a lake, sets it afloat in a milk jug and goes back to the lake house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says Rudy needs his HBP med. He says they need to move and grabs a couple of keys from his aunt’s key rack, telling the parents to fill in the rack with other keys.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY

Nick and Ivy look for meds in the houses on either side of the parents, and don’t get caught. Ivy raids the medicine chest for meds and leaves. (Fun distraction at door).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

Nick raids the refrigerator and pantry, putting things in a grocery sack and takes keys from the key rack. Everyone trusts their neighbors here and he seems to know them all. He leaves.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

They return, Nick tells them to grab anything they think will be useful. They are going to another house.

EXT. DINGHY – DAY

Bundled up and dressed as Santa and his elves, the parents and Ivy get in a dinghy. They hear car doors and Nick runs down the iced over canal, pulling the dinghy. Later, we see Ivy pulling the dinghy and finally both of them. They stop at a boat ramp, help the parents out. A snowmobiling group shows up, they ask for a lift and ride to Lake House 4 (or thereabouts).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

Ivy is cleaning up the kitchen after a meal. Nick is sleeping like a baby, Grizzly cuddled between his shoulder and ear. Holly and Rudy doze in chairs. Holly catches some sleep too.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Holly turns the TV on. The TV says the search is going house to house. The TV shows the assassins intermingled with FBI agents. They have to hurry. They set about creating McGyver- isms with whatever holiday stuff they can find.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The assassins show up. The ultimate Christmas weapon fight rages with Ivy and Nick doing the heavy hitting, leaving one after another of the assassins tied up.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The fight moves inside. Grizzly tries to help and it looks like she’s been killed. Nick flies into a rage, undeterred by anything the assassins throw at him. They are successful.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

While cleaning up, Nick hears Grizzly scratching at the door. She’s alive! Nick jingles another set of keys. There is another house yet.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

Ivy has breakfast cooking, the WH calls to tell them all is well. They should meet a private jet at the airport – with clothes.

INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

Holly and Rudy are in regular clothes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. The president wants Nick to join his parents’ security detail. Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What I learned doing this assignment is that my story (from the Action class) is morphing as I rewrite the beats for this assignment. It went fast, though, so I’m following the high speed writing rules. I also found that I am loathe to not put action details in when they are clear to me and I’m likely to forget them. I need to learn to not do that. I’m not ready to “kill my darlings” in a beat sheet and simply summarize the beat. I’ll regret it later, I’m sure.

ACT 1

INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING

Nick relives the failed military mission in the war zone, Grizzly helps him morph it to a love scene and then wakes him.

INT. MALL – DAY

A rogue FBI agent accompanies the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent (Ivy) to the mall.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick recognizes Ivy as the woman from his dream.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick sees the mercenary draw a gun, Ivy get shot, parents being abducted. He goes into rescue mode and kicks butt. Then he grabs the FBI agent’s radio and tries to sort it out.

INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS

Nick sends the parents to a mall entrance, gets his go-bag, (maybe fights more bad guys), and escapes with the parents in his car.

ACT 2

EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY

Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan.

INT. MALL – DAY

The rogue FBI agent (Dasher) rises from the rubble, bruised and beaten, and calls the FBI to get help finding the parents by tracking Santa (Nick) who he says kidnapped the parents.

INT. FBI HQ – DAY

The FBI launches an all-out search – APBs, BOLOs, whatever – to find Nick so they can find the kidnapped parents.

INT. MALL – AFTERNOON

Ivy, rising from the rubble, tells the mall cop her vest took the bullet and she hit her head on a kiosk. Asks what happened. Finds Nick has the parents.

INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY

Nick gets the parents clothes from a client’s closet and makes them change everything since he hears about trackers in their gear on the FBI radio.

EXT. CAR LOT – DAY

Nick leaves his old car near his apartment and uses cash to buy an old clunker (with no electronics) at a used car lot since his car and plates have been id’d (again, via the FBI radio)

EXT. DOG SITTING APT – AFTERNOON

Nick hustles the parents into the car, tells them he’s taking them to his great aunt’s lake cottage — no phones, trackers, GPS, etc. They should be safe.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

INT. DASHER’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Intercut as necessary. On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll do have them since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.

INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Ivy calls Joy at the SS office, has her track down Nick. She watches him buy the new car, but loses him in traffic.

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON

INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe the the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.

INT. DASHER’S CAR – EVENING

Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follow him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – NIGHT

The parents need a bio break and food so they stop at a gas station to fuel up and use the bathroom in the convenience store. Nick is careful.

EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT

Dasher’s car pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the convenience store.

Ivy has been tracking the parents using her own methods — finding/following Nick, unsure if he’s a good or a bad guy. She sees Dasher and his goons enter the C-store and deflates the tires and has their car disabled. She puts a tracker on Nick’s car.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Nick battles the agents at a rest stop. Again, Nick defeats those who followed them and escapes.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT
Nick a tracker on his car (put on by the SS agent) and escapes. Ivy follows him onto the highway.

ACT 3

INT. NICK’S 2ND CAR – LATER

Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead, alarming the parents. He says he needs a bio-break. Grizzly is in the car. Soon after Nick leaves, Ivy taps on the window and they roll it down. Delighted, Ivy tells them about the FBI radio’s tracker. Grizzly jumps out to pee. The parent tell Ivy about Nick’s cottage plan, Grizzly comes back in and Ivy leaves, saying she’ll see them at the cottage. Nick comes back to the car, asks Grizzly if she needs a break and she doesn’t. When they get back on the road, the parents tell him about the radio tracker. Nick says they need another plan, but tells Grizzly the parents are alright.

New Plan: Trade cars again, change clothes again. When Nick goes for phones and food, he misses having the folks around. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, but Nick stupidly keeps it. They go to the lake house, When they get to the cottage, the SS agent is already there and they fight, eventually the parents defuse the situation and they all join forces. They hide out, get word to the President on a private line the parents have. Nick sees how kick-ass Ivy is when they fight at the cabin, how much she cares for the parents and that even Grizzly likes her and he allows himself to fall for her.

EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT

Nick sees an older car for sale, stops, buys it with cash, makes them change clothes again, this time in ridiculous Christmas outfits. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, but Nick keeps it??

INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING

Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at gas station. Orders hit men to clean up everyone at the house — they know where it is. (We don’t know yet how they know)

EXT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING

They arrive at the lake house. Nick hustles them in. Grizzly is excited (happy) to see Ivy hiding behind something and Nick sees her when she’s trying to get Grizzly to leave her. They fight, holiday style, with the parents trying to stop Nick and Ivy merely defending herself since she knows he’s a good guy now. Once calmed down, Ivy says she needs to call the President on the parent’s private number to let them know they are ok. She immediately realizes that she has her own phone on her. She’s screwed up big time.

ACT 4

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Nick tells her to call the President and fill him in. He tells them to hole up until he can get it all sorted.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Nick is in a kayak with Ivy’s phone. He takes it to the middle of a lake, sets it afloat in a milk bottle and goes back to the lake house.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Ivy says Rudy needs his HBP med. He says they need to move and grabs a couple of keys from his aunt’s key rack, telling the parents to fill in the rack with other keys. He hands a set of keys to Ivy and tells her to look for meds in the house next door, but don’t get caught.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY
Ivy raids the medicine chest for meds and leaves.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY

Nick raids the refrigerator and pantry, putting things in a grocery sack and takes keys from the key rack. He leaves.

INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY

Nick returns, tells them to grab anything they think will be useful. They are going to another house.

EXT. DINGHY – DAY

Bundled up and dressed as Santa and his elves, the parents and Ivy get in a dinghy. They hear car doors and Nick runs down the iced over canal, pulling the dinghy. Later, we see Ivy pulling the dinghy and finally both of them. They stop at a boat ramp, help the parents out. A snowmobiling group shows up, they ask for a lift and ride to Lake House 4 (or thereabouts).

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER

Ivy is cleaning up the kitchen after a meal. Nick is sleeping like a baby, Grizzly cuddled between his shoulder and ear. Holly and Rudy doze in chairs. Holly catches some sleep too.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING

Holly turns the TV on. The TV says the search is going house to house. The TV shows the assassins intermingled with FBI agents. They have to hurry. They set about creating McGyver- isms with whatever holiday stuff they can find.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT

The assassins show up. The ultimate Christmas weapon fight rages with Ivy and Nick doing the heavy hitting outside the house, leaving one after another of the assassins trussed up like turkeys. Grizzly tries to help, but it looks like she’s been killed. Nick flies into a rage, undeterred by anything the assassins throw at him. They are successful. Nick jingles another set of keys. There is another house yet.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING

Ivy has breakfast cooking, the WH calls to tell them all is well. They should meet a private jet at the airport – with clothes.

INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

Holly and Rudy are in regular clothes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. Ivy comes out of a dressing room dressed up beautifully and says sorry they didn’t bring anything that would fit him.

The captain hands him a phone – the president wants him to join his parents’ security detail. He says sure. All celebrate, Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Transformational Events

What I learned doing this lesson is that my hero’s old ways/new ways are too easily fixed or defied in the early scenes. I will need to work on that further because I can’t think of any more old ways/new ways for him right now. His character needs more “issues”.

Nick is a former Army Ranger with PTSD who is working as a mall Santa

Internal Journey: Plagued by nightmares and flashbacks, Nick doesn’t trust his own sense of reality any more. He relies on his PTSD dog to tell him what’s real and who to trust. He learns to trust himself in this screenplay.

External Journey: Nick sees the president’s parents kidnapped, rescues them using his Ranger skills, but then flees with them, going off grid to avoid all law enforcement since at least one government agent is involved in the kidnapping attempt and continues to pursue them using government resources. He must figure out who can be trusted and who will kill anyone in their way to hold the parents hostage to help a hostile foreign government.

Old Ways:

– Only trusts his PTSD teacup poodle

– Nightmares/Flashbacks/Hyper-vigilance

– Shuns being around others

– Can’t keep a job/believes he failed at the old one

New Ways:

– Trusts his own judgement of people (good/bad/dangerous/safe)

– Loves a woman

– Ready to take charge again

– Nightmares/Hyper-vigilance abating (not completely gone, but he knows what’s real or not when a flashback or nightmare is over.

6-8 Changes that Need to Happen

Nick craves a woman’s company
Nick learns that his old protective instincts are still there
Nick takes charge of the chase/parents/plan
Nick learns to deal with and actually enjoy the company of the parents
Nick falls in love with Ivy
Nick trusts his own judgment of people
Nick sleeps like a baby
Nick gets a job on the President’s parents detail.

Events to cause the above:

1 After seeing Ivy in the mall, Nick realizes she’s the woman from his dreams — he’s probably seen her before and that’s why she’s in his dreams.

2. Nick automatically protects the PP with his old skills and abilities.

3. Nick takes charge of the chase, making plans to keep the parents safe.

4. When Nick goes for phones and food, he misses having the folks around.

5. Nick sees how kick-ass Ivy is when they fight at the cabin, how much she cares for the parents and that even Grizzly likes her and he allows himself to fall for her.

6. Nick is able to spot where the assassins are, what they are likely to do when entering, etc. and trusts his judgment about them — first, at the gas station, then at the Cabin.

7. In the lay-low cabin when Ivy is on duty, Nick sleeps like a baby.

8. Nick gets a job on the plane to DC.

Act 1:

Opening: Nick is dreaming, reliving the failed mission in a war zone. Some of his men are killed. He can do nothing. Self-loathing, guilt, fury, despair. Grizzly notices, licks his ear and the dream morphs to making out with a beautiful woman (Ivy). Grizzly barks and he wakes.

At the mall, the rogue FBI agent accompanies the SS agent on the daily walk. He is followed by his mercenaries who Grizzly immediately identifies as bad guys as Nick had the same idea. After seeing Ivy in the mall, Nick realizes she’s the woman from his dreams — he’s probably seen her before and that’s why she’s in his dreams.

Inciting Incident: Nick sees a mercenary draw a gun, goes into professional soldier mode, follows, sees Ivy get shot, parents being abducted, takes action and defeats the abductors, grabbing an FBI radio so he can try to figure out what’s going on. Nick automatically protects the PP with his old skills and abilities.

Turning Point:

Puts parents on scooter and goes for his go-bag. More bad guys. He defeats them too with improvised holiday weapons. Escapes in his car with the parents.

Act 2:

New Plan: Run! After defeating the guys that chase him, Nick decides to hide the parents in a dog sitting client’s apartment. Nick takes charge of the chase, making plans to keep the parents safe.

The FBI (at the rogue agent’s request), launches an all out search for the President’s parents and quickly learn that they should track the Santa to find the parents.

Plan in Action:

Since his old plates have been made and the parents’ clothes/shoes have trackers, he gets the clients new clothes (from the client’s closet), buys a new car, abandoning his old one, and comes back for the parents. His plan is to get out of town to a rural place — his great aunt’s lake cottage completely off the grid – no phone, no trackers, no GPS, etc.

The terrorists tell the president that they have his parents, thinking the trackers will make them easy to find. They make their demands for prisoner releases and money. The president says no deal until he sees them alive and well with the terrorists.

Midpoint Turning Point:

Somehow, the bad guys find and follow Nick and the parents.

The SS agent has been tracking the parents using her own methods — finding/following Nick, unsure if he’s a good or a bad guy. She deflates the tires and has the cars disabled of the FBI agent and his mercenaries.

Nick battles the agents at a rest stop. Again, Nick defeats those who followed them and escapes, finds a tracker on his car (put on by the SS agent) and escapes.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: After Nick takes a bio break at an old farmstead, Ivy visits the parents, tells them about the FBI radio’s tracker. They tell her Nick’s plan to take them to the cottage. Nick begins to think the parents can pull their weight in this.

New Plan: Trade cars again, change clothes again. When Nick goes for phones and food, he misses having the folks around. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, but Nick stupidly keeps it. They go to the lake house, hide out, get word to the President on a private line the parents have. When they get to the cottage, the SS agent is already there and they fight, eventually the parents defuse the situation and they all join forces. Nick sees how kick-ass Ivy is when they fight at the cabin, how much she cares for the parents and that even Grizzly likes her and he allows himself to fall for her.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The terrorist organization, disgusted with the FBI agent’s ineptitude, has sent in assassins to clean up the mess by tracking the SS agent’s phone.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Nick realizes they tracked the SS agent’s cell and they move to his aunt’s friend’s cottage to hide out. Nick makes a run to a convenience store for another cell phone, food and info, overhearing that an all-out manhunt with good descriptions of them is ongoing in the Lakes area. The SS agent and Nick go well-away from the hideout to call the WH who tells them to hole up until they’ve sorted out the bad guys. They hole up, creating McGyver-isms of holiday stuff to stop the assassins and cops. In the lay-low cabin when Ivy is on duty, Nick sleeps like a baby. The bad guys come and are defeated. Nick and the SS agent are in sync.

Resolution: The WH gives them the all-clear, they get new clothes and a private, luxurious jet ride back to DC. Nick gets a job on the President’s parents detail. The SS agent and Santa share a first kiss and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is incorporating the Old Ways/New Ways into my existing outline (from the Action class) seems to bring the human side of the story to life more.

Concept:

A former Army Ranger and his PTSD teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents, vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue Secret Service agent, during a holiday chase to a lakeside cottage safe house.

Main Conflict: Nick witnesses the President’s parents being kidnapped and their Secret Service agent shot (presumably dead) and must rescue them and save them. Escaping from the rogue FBI agent and his mercenaries is nearly impossible because he has all of law enforcement’s assets at his command.

Old Ways:

– Only trusts his PTSD teacup poodle

– Nightmares/Flashbacks/Hyper-vigilance

– Shuns being around others

– Can’t keep a job

New Ways:

– Trusts his own judgement of people (good/bad/dangerous/safe)

– Loves a woman

– Ready to take charge again

– Nightmares/Hyper-vigilance abating (not completely gone, but he knows what’s real or not, when a flashback or nightmare is over.

Pass 1: Protagonist’s journey

Act 1:

Opening: Nick is dreaming, reliving the failed mission in a war zone. Some of his men are killed. He can do nothing. Self-loathing, guilt, fury, despair. Grizzly notices, licks his ear and the dream morphs to making out with a beautiful woman (Ivy). Grizzly barks and he wakes.

At the mall, the rogue FBI agent accompanies the SS agent on the daily walk. He is followed by his mercenaries who Grizzly immediately identifies as bad guys as Nick had the same idea.

Inciting Incident: Nick sees a mercenary draw a gun, goes into professional soldier mode, follows, sees Ivy get shot, parents being abducted, takes action and defeats the abductors, grabbing an FBI radio so he can try to figure out what’s going on.

Turning Point:

Puts parents on scooter and goes for his go-bag. More bad guys. He defeats them too with improvised holiday weapons. Escapes in his car with the parents.

Act 2:

New Plan: Run! After defeating the guys that chase him, Nick decides to hide the parents in a dog sitting client’s apartment.

The FBI (at the rogue agent’s request), launches an all out search for the President’s parents and quickly learn that they should track the Santa to find the parents.

Plan in Action:

Since his old plates have been made and the parents’ clothes/shoes have trackers, he gets the clients new clothes (from the client’s closet), buys a new car, abandoning his old one, and comes back for the parents. His plan is to get out of town to a rural place — his great aunt’s lake cottage completely off the grid – no phone, no trackers, no GPS, etc.

The terrorists tell the president that they have his parents, thinking the trackers will make them easy to find. They make their demands for prisoner releases and money. The president says no deal until he sees them alive and well with the terrorists.

Midpoint Turning Point:

Somehow, the bad guys find and follow Nick and the parents.

The SS agent has been tracking the parents using her own methods — finding/following Nick, unsure if he’s a good or a bad guy. She deflates the tires and has the cars disabled of the FBI agent and his mercenaries.

Nick battles the agents at a rest stop. Again, Nick defeats those who followed them and escapes, finds a tracker on his car (put on by the SS agent) and escapes.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: After Nick takes a bio break at an old farmstead, Ivy visits the parents, tells them about the FBI radio’s tracker. They tell her Nick’s plan to take them to the cottage. Nick begins to think the parents can pull their weight in this.

New Plan: Trade cars again, change clothes again. Grizzly pees on the FBI radio, but Nick stupidly keeps it. They go to the lake house, hide out, get word to the President on a private line the parents have. When they get to the cottage, the SS agent is already there and they fight, eventually the parents defuse the situation and they all join forces.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The terrorist organization, disgusted with the FBI agent’s ineptitude, has sent in assassins to clean up the mess by tracking the SS agent’s phone.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Nick realizes they tracked the SS agent’s cell and they move to his aunt’s friend’s cottage to hide out. Nick makes a run to a convenience store for another cell phone, food and info, overhearing that an all-out manhunt with good descriptions of them is ongoing in the Lakes area. The SS agent and Nick go well-away from the hideout to call the WH who tells them to hole up until they’ve sorted out the bad guys. They hole up, creating McGyver-isms of holiday stuff to stop the assassins and cops. The bad guys come and are defeated. Nick and the SS agent are in sync.

Resolution: The WH gives them the all-clear, they get new clothes and a private, luxurious jet ride back to DC. The SS agent and Santa share a first kiss and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Interviews

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have some additional backstory/explaining to do for some of my character’s behaviors and I’ll have to blend it into the dialogue. I’ve bolded the new stuff I learned.

NICK – Hero

1. Tell me about yourself: Not much to tell. I’ve been pretty useless since I got back from the war. Can’t sleep well, can’t hold a job. Nobody wants some guy that crouches down on the ground with his head in his hands or hits the dirt every time a door slams too loud. I can’t do any of the jobs the other Rangers do when they get back because I’m a wreck. Thank god for Grizzly. She’s the only thing keeping me alive at this point. <div>

2. Why was I called on this journey? I was in the right place at the right time. That’s all.

3. You are up against a corrupt FBI agent and foreign mercenaries. What is it about them that makes this journey more difficult for you? They are merciless. They don’t care if civilians get hurt. That don’t care if anyone gets hurt. It’s more difficult because of the gunfire, that’s for sure.

4. What changes do you expect to make to survive or accomplish this and which of them will be the most difficult? I’ve been a loner since I got back from the war. I’m safer alone because I can’t hurt anyone else if I go, you know, off base. I’m going to have to be around people, to think for others again and to trust my instincts again. They’ve been so far off since the attack that I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that.

5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of? Survivor guilt, for sure, but mostly the sadness of losing people because I didn’t see the attack coming. We had no time to react, no way to help the victims. Sadness drags you down. It slows down your thinking, your survival instincts. If you’re dwelling on things from the past, you’re not ready to respond to the “now”.

6. What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? Not saving my buddies, not knowing what lay ahead for them has made me afraid to take any chances or responsibilities. Whenever it’s up to me, I crumple. I quit. I crawl away. It’s horrible.

7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict? I’ve got a lot of years of training and combat. Lots of field experience evading the enemy, finding them, taking care of them. I’d feel better if I had my unit, but Ivy, Holly and Rudy will have to do. And Grizzly, of course. If anything happened to her, I’d be curled up in a ball again.

8. What are you hiding from the other characters? The extent of my PTSD — how debilitating it is. How often I freeze or assume the fetal position or just get lost in a flashback.

9. What do you think of Ivy? She’s gorgeous — my dream woman.

10. Tell me your side of this whole story: I’ve seen the president’s parents walking here every day. When I saw the FBI guy’s muscle pull his gun, I knew something was up. When it went off, I didn’t crumple like I usually do with a loud noise. I ran. I thought about them. I thought about Ivy. I had to help. Then, with Ivy dead, I had to protect the parents, run, get off grid, get rid of trackers, run more, change cars, run more, kick ass when they caught up to us, trade cars, hide in my aunt’s house, meet Ivy, nearly kick her ass, run again, etc. I just wanted to keep the parents safe.

11. What does it do for your life if you succeed here? It saves my life. No, it gives me my life, my dignity, my purpose back. I have some self-respect.

DASHER – Villain

1. Tell me about yourself. I think I did that in the character profile — except to add that I was a fool to believe the mercenaries would let me live. I’m guessing they’ll kill me when this is over considering how trigger-happy they are. </div><div>

2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? My strengths are my thirty-plus years with the FBI and all of the relationships I’ve built with other law enforcement agencies in that time. I can find these people no matter where they hide. Traffic cams, rest area camera footage, car trackers, car companies that can kill the engine, small town cops? I’ve got them all in my arsenal. I’ve also got some muscle in the mercenaries. Weaknesses? None that I know of.

3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? I’m in so far that <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I can’t go back. I have to keep going to get the retirement I’ve earned. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>If I don’t, I’ll get a jail cell for the rest of my life. I have to win.

4. What do you get out of winning this fight? Freedom, money, life.

5. What drives you toward your mission/agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death? The fact that<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> I’m in for a penny in for a pound — and I’m in for a boatload of pounds.

6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? I can’t let anyone in the bureau know I’m in on this — that I’m benefiting from it.

7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special? I’m smarter than them. I have a plan to retire with dignity — and money.

8. What do you think of Nick? He’s an unknown, a threat. I don’t know who he is or where he came from, but he’s got skills and came out of nowhere.

9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict: If Ivy had just let us take the parents, this wouldn’t have gone sideways. Then Santa got in the act and all hell broke loose. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I’m just trying to complete the mission — kidnap the parents, control the mercenaries, get the political prisoners released, get my money, and get the hell out of this country.

IVY – Hero

1. Tell me about yourself. I’m a career Secret Service (SS) officer. I’ve worked my way up, but I’ve hit a glass ceiling of sorts. The last few high level people I’ve protected had security breaches that I took the fall for. How was I to know that one guy’s nephew was a terrorist? Or that the VPs mother’s new boyfriend was a spy? They should have been vetted better but security, but when the shit hit the fan, I got sprayed with it. I like the PP. They’re like extra parents for me, but they’re also easy targets so I’m always very vigilant. I’m so busy with work that I don’t bother with a social life any more. Every guy someone’s set me up with or I’ve met some other way has just wanted access to the president. They’re lobbyists or cult types or super fans. It’s sickening. I just won’t date until I retire, I guess. 🙂 </div>

2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you? Because these people are important to me and whoever did this couldn’t get through my protection for the PP any other way.

3. You are up against Dasher. What is it about him that makes this journey even more difficult for you? He has sources and tendrils throughout law enforcement. I don’t know who I can trust besides Joy at this point. I don’t know what his game is, but he cased the joint by hanging with me that one day and he’s totally off the rails. I can’t trust anyone so I’m going to have to protect the PP on my own.

4. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult? I’m going to have to work without a net. I’ll be doing it all by myself. I don’t usually lean on a team, but I used to know who I can trust. Now I don’t.

5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of? That I can always call the White House and get help. Now I don’t know if I can. If Dasher is having me tracked too, then the WH surely knows about it. I may not survive if they think I’ve kidnapped the PP when all I’m doing is trying to keep them safe until they figure out how big Dasher’s web is.

6. What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? Other people not doing their job, not vetting people properly have caused most of my problems. It’s so hard to know whose doing the work because it’s their patriotic duty and whose in it for fame and access.

7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? I’ve taken loads of self defense classes, even Krav Maga training so physically, I’m ready for close combat, but I only pack my service revolver, not an arsenal. I have to improvise and I’ve taken classes on doing that too. When you’re in a foreign country and you’ve got to protect your VIP, you improvise and I’ve studied a lot of ways to do that. I’m practically a McGyver.

8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know? I really, really, really want to get married, maybe have a family, have a real home, you know? I’d like to feel safe when I go to sleep at night instead of wondering if some rogue agent is going to disable me so he can get to the PP.

9. What do you think of Dasher? I think he’s scary good at keeping his double agent status or whatever it is under wraps. I never liked him, but I thought it was just because he was always checking me out. I had no idea he’d hire mercenaries and do something like this.

10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict/story. I’d seen Santa in the mall and knew he checked me out every day. When I saw Dasher’s guy pull his gun, I thought maybe the bad guy was Santa. Then the mercenary shot me and the next thing I know, the mall cop told me that Santa had rescued the PP and taken them away with his go bag. That didn’t make any sense. Santa with a go bag? I just followed him until I saw him fighting off Dasher and his man. Then I wasn’t sure if maybe both of them were bad guys. I caught up with the PP while he was elsewhere and they thought he was one of the good ones. They told me where they were going so I went ahead to check it out. Then he nearly killed me and I almost had to kill him. I guess he’s one of the good ones. He’s nice too. Really nice.

11. What does it do for your life if you succeed here? I’ll get more respect at the SS. I may have Nick in my life longer. Rudy and Holly will be happy. 🙂

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Profile Part 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that these additional profile pieces round out the characters more and make some of my explanations in Part 1 redundant. That being said, my Profiles are too verbose.

Nick:

What draws us to this character? His sweet relationship to his dog, his respectful list for the woman at the mall he hasn’t met, his sense of duty, his wound as a war hero.

Traits: Skilled in combat, Verbally quick/astute, inventive, shell-shocked

Subtext: Reverts to stoic professionalism when pushed, challenged, or gob-smacked

Flaw: Doesn’t trust himself — Doesn’t think he is valuable anymore because his is broken.

Values: Law and Order, Right, Good over Evil, Hard work to get what you want, Kindness and respect for weaker people and kids.

Irony: Really good guy whose distrust of himself makes other distrust him. Can’t hold a respectable job because of his PTSD and thinks he’s a failure because he couldn’t save everyone. Sure no one will ever love or respect him when he loves and respects those around him, including people he’s never met.

What makes this the right character for this role? He’s ready to heal, to come into his own, to love someone and to be loved. He’s so good he has to be loved, but thinks he’s so worthless he has to sacrifice everything to duty.

Ivy:

What draws us to this character? Ivy is personable, affectionate and kind to the President’s parents, but is hyper vigilant about their safety and ready to die for them if need be.

Traits: Clever, Discerning, Protective, Undervalues herself

Subtext: Doesn’t believe anyone really loves her. They’re only maneuvering for access or (like the parents) amused by manipulating her.

Flaw: Believes her position as a VIP bodyguard is all anyone respects her for and all they see when they look at her.

Values: Duty, Integrity, Responsibility, Caring

Irony: Doesn’t believe anyone means it when they give her respect, lauds or affection. Thinks she’s a buffoon even though she’s the opposite because she’s been duped by access seekers so many times in love, friendship and work.

What makes this the right character for this role? She needs to find someone who values her so she can value herself. She needs a big success.

Nick: Hero

Role in the Story: Hero

Age Range/Description: late 30’s, fairly fit, fairly agile. Looks good in a Santa suit.

Internal Journey: Trusts only his PTSD dog, Grizzly, after an attack in the war, but learns to trust his senses again.

External Journey: Goes from mall Santa to top flight special ops type protector of the President’s parents, earning respect, self-respect and Ivy in the process.

Motivation: Longs to be the man he used to be — the strong (mentally and physically), self-assured, heroic guy he was before his PTSD set in.

Wound: His unit came under fire in the war, lost a number of people including his best buddy who died in his arms.

Mission/Agenda: Knows the president’s parents mall walk in his mall and when he sees them kidnapped, it’s his duty as a true American to rescue them and keep them safe until he can return them to the White House.

Secret: Dreams about a roll in the hay with the Secret Service agent even before he knew who she was.

What makes him special? He’s a broken man, doing the best that he can, but steps up and puts it all on the line when he’s needed. He’s still got it in hand to hand combat, mission planning and execution.

Ivy: Hero

Role in the Story: Ivy accompanies the President’s parents all day, every day and has gotten to know them. She’s like a daughter to them, especially when it comes to keeping their impulses in check. She would lay down her life for them and works her way into Nick’s off the grid adventure while trying to decide if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. Her inside safe contacts allow her to figure out who the real villain is and find a way to capture the bad guys so they can be brought to justice.

Age range and Description: Late 30’s, extremely attractive, physically agile in a fight.

Internal Journey: She’s always felt she wasn’t enough, couldn’t trust men to love her and not use her as a stepping stone to better women, positions in the SS or access to the White House. She feels under appreciated and undervalued as an extremely intelligent and creative protector of VIPs, but her work to find and find out about Nick, rescuing the parents, makes her value felt by HQ.

External Journey: After being shot (in the kevlar vest), finding the parents gone and no one around, she uses the extra trackers she’s had to use to keep track of the childishly recalcitrant parents over the years she’s been their agent to find them, determine their status (safe? with a good/bad guy? pursued by the people who shot her or safe from them?), and get them back to the White House for Christmas Eve. She does it, finding love and her own professional value in the process.

Motivation: To see if anyone appreciates how hard it is to keep the president’s parents safe – they are tricky! – and to appreciate her skill, professionalism, self-sacrifice and value. She’s never felt it before. She’s always felt more like a VIP babysitter.

Wound: Because she’s attractive and has had several recalcitrant VIPs over the years, someone else always got credit for saving them and she got blamed for losing them even though it wasn’t her fault.

Mission/Agenda: She wants to get it right with the President’s parents, by far her most important VIPs to protect so far and her favorite people in the world.

Secret: She’s checked out Santa at the mall before and thinks he’s hot.

What makes her special? Technical skill, good instincts, creativity, ability to size people up and her love for the President’s parents. This is more than a job to her.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that while I’d worked with these characters before in a couple of other classes (never wrote the screenplay, just scenes and plotting), I’m learning more about their motivations, journeys and worldview by doing this exercise.

Holiday Action/Comedy

Nick: Hero

Nick is a retired Army Ranger haunted by PTSD that leaves him unable to tell if what he’s experiencing is a flashback or reality. His teacup poodle tells him which it is. While working as a mall Santa — the only job he can hold onto — he rescues the president’s parents when he sees their kidnapping and the shooting of their secret service detail. He will do whatever it takes to keep them safe until the FBI agent working with the foreign national kidnappers can be ferreted out and brought down.

Role in the Story: Hero

Age Range/Description: late 30’s, fairly fit, fairly agile. Looks good in a Santa suit.

Internal Journey: Trusts only his PTSD dog, Grizzly, after an attack in the war, but learns to trust his senses again.

External Journey: Goes from mall Santa to top flight special ops type protector of the President’s parents, earning respect, self-respect and Ivy in the process.

Motivation: Longs to be the man he used to be — the strong (mentally and physically), self-assured, heroic guy he was before his PTSD set in.

Wound: His unit came under fire in the war, lost a number of people including his best buddy who died in his arms.

Mission/Agenda: Knows the president’s parents mall walk in his mall and when he sees them kidnapped, it’s his duty as a true American to rescue them and keep them safe until he can return them to the White House.

Secret: Dreams about a roll in the hay with the Secret Service agent even before he knew who she was.

What makes him special? He’s a broken man, doing the best that he can, but steps up and puts it all on the line when he’s needed. He’s still got it in hand to hand combat, mission planning and execution.

Agent Dasher: Dreamer/Villain

Agent Dasher has been a good FBI agent for many years, but he can’t see his pension or his retirement giving him the life he’s dreamed of and that some foreign nationals have promised if he can deliver the President’s parents to them. They’ll be hostages until the President delivers certain political prisoners and large sums of money, then they’ll be released and Dasher will be set for life and can give up the grind and start living the good life. Only political prisoners will be released, not terrorists, so where’s the harm in getting his lifelong dream?

Role in the story: Instigator of the kidnapping, responsible for rescuing the parents, but is really trying to find them so the kidnappers can hold them for ransom. He’s got the resources of the FBI and other government agencies at his beck and call to find the missing parents and the Santa that kidnapped them and he’s bold about using them.

Age range and Description: 50’s, fit, non-nonsense, commanding and always one step ahead.

Internal Journey: At first, he thinks the kidnapping will be bloodless, but when the mercenaries draw guns, he’s in for a very different fight than he signed up for. He rethinks his plan and must now fake his own death after he gets his money as well as disappearing out of the country. He can’t leave anyone alive who knows it was him behind the kidnapping. He becomes a killer.

External Journey: Humiliated by Nick’s rescue of the parents at the mall, he must use all the FBI and law enforcement resources at his disposal to find and dispose of Nick without being identifiable as the kidnapper. The more he’s foiled by Nick and the parents, the more willing he is to kill.

Motivation: At first, only money, but then, by faking his own death, he hopes to preserve his reputation with the FBI and still escape the country to retire.

Wound: He’s underpaid, overworked and jealous of his peers who went into private security or consulting and are making big bucks. He got left behind, holding down the fort for too long.

Mission/Agenda: At first, it’s to make a quick buck to retire with, but then it’s to keep the mercenaries from killing him when it’s over, keep people from finding out he was in on it and still get his money.

Secret: He feels like a failure — always an also ran — which is why he’s never gotten offers for the big bucks.

What makes them special? He wasn’t a killer, but his ethics become more situational and weaker with each failure.

Ivy: Hero

Ivy is the highly trained, stalwart Secret Service agent whose catastrophes (unfortunate events not of her own making, according to her) have stalled her career. Guarding a couple of 80 year olds is not that exciting, but they’re great people and she does a wonderful job of keeping them safe until takes a shot in her kevlar vest and is knocked out in the fall. Then she must find the parents, neutralize their kidnappers and deliver her charges safely to the White House for Christmas Eve. First, she has to find them. All she knows is that they were kidnapped by foreign mercenaries or possibly by Santa.

Role in the Story: Ivy accompanies the President’s parents all day, every day and has gotten to know them. She’s like a daughter to them, especially when it comes to keeping their impulses in check. She would lay down her life for them and works her way into Nick’s off the grid adventure while trying to decide if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. Her inside safe contacts allow her to figure out who the real villain is and find a way to capture the bad guys so they can be brought to justice.

Age range and Description: Late 30’s, extremely attractive, physically agile in a fight.

Internal Journey: She’s always felt she wasn’t enough, couldn’t trust men to love her and not use her as a stepping stone to better women, positions in the SS or access to the White House. She feels under appreciated and undervalued as an extremely intelligent and creative protector of VIPs, but her work to find and find out about Nick, rescuing the parents, makes her value felt by HQ.

External Journey: After being shot (in the kevlar vest), finding the parents gone and no one around, she uses the extra trackers she’s had to use to keep track of the childishly recalcitrant parents over the years she’s been their agent to find them, determine their status (safe? with a good/bad guy? pursued by the people who shot her or safe from them?), and get them back to the White House for Christmas Eve. She does it, finding love and her own professional value in the process.

Motivation: To see if anyone appreciates how hard it is to keep the president’s parents safe – they are tricky! – and to appreciate her skill, professionalism, self-sacrifice and value. She’s never felt it before. She’s always felt more like a VIP babysitter.

Wound: Because she’s attractive and has had several recalcitrant VIPs over the years, someone else always got credit for saving them and she got blamed for losing them even though it wasn’t her fault.

Mission/Agenda: She wants to get it right with the President’s parents, by far her most important VIPs to protect so far and her favorite people in the world.

Secret: She’s checked out Santa at the mall before and thinks he’s hot.

What makes her special? Technical skill, good instincts, creativity, ability to size people up and her love for the President’s parents. This is more than a job to her.

Rudy: Supporting Character

The President’s father, 80-ish, fussy, high blood pressure, poor hearing and madly in love with his wife. So madly in love, he’d like to help others find that kind of love — like maybe Ivy, their secret service agent. She could use a husband.

Holly: Supporting Character

The President’s mother, 80-ish, super positive, opinionated, matchmaking and constantly nudging and cajoling her husband out of his grumpiness. Quick witted, devious and practical, she has a lot more faith in Ivy than Ivy does. She has faith in Santa Nick, too.

Joy: Supporting Character

Ivy’s tech support and the only one she can trust at Secret Service headquarters. She’s a great spy, but knows her ability to help may not last long enough to help Ivy get the president’s parents back.

Grizzly: Supporting Character

Grizzly, the teacup poodle/PTSD dog is fussy about being fed every three hours, fragile, tiny and Nick’s savior. She licks his nose when he’s right, barks when he’s not and wakes him from nightmares. Her intuition can save Nick his nightmares and, it turns out, from foreign mercenaries provided she can survive the fight scenes.

Genre: Action/Comedy

Concept:

Hero Morally Right: Saves the President’s parents (his mall buddies) from being kidnapped — perhaps he’s a mall Santa instead of a mall cop. 🙂
Villain Morally Wrong: Wants to blackmail the President into signing a treaty that is bad for the US, but good for the villain’s country.

Hero

A. Unique Skill Set — Former Army Ranger, has PTSD dog that can tell if someone is dangerous to him or not — the pup is good at reading people
B. Motivation — To be brave, to be somebody, to fight for his country again
C. Secret or Wound — Misjudged a woman during battle and she betrayed his team. He was the only survivor and no longer trusts his instincts about people – especially women.

Villain

A. Unbeatable — Secret Service agent gone rogue, but a double agent so still able to use all of the government’s tracking/surveillance info to find the parents.
B. Plan/Goal — Hold the parents hostage until after the President has signed the deal and made it public
C. What they lose if Hero survives — Villain loses his life (he’ll fight to the death), his country loses the “deal” the President will sign — not sure what that is yet.

Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action — The parents’ asst. is shot (presumably dead/injured) and the hero must rescue them and get the parents to safety
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Hero’s been “living undercover” in foreign countries before, but never with 70+ year olds and not in the US. He’s always had technology on his side, but now all of it is working against him.
C. Destroy the Villain — Figure out who the rogue agent is (everyone is looking for them so figuring out who the real bad guy is can be very tricky), what they want, how to lure them to somewhere they can be subdued/killed without endangering the President’s parents.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Kick-Ass dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that the more of these techniques I put in a scene, the more interesting it s.

INFORMATION:

Names/Character Traits

Morgan Day (Fashionista/Trophy Wife)

Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure.

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Subtext Identity: More than a Trophy Wife

Subtext Logline: Morgan is more than a trophy wife who pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Rhonda (ER Nurse)

Basic Character Traits: Pragmatic: War-weary; Caring; Domineering.

Subtext Character Traits: Motherly, Irritable

Logline: Rhonda is used to seeing abused women return to their abusers but feels powerless to truly help them.

Setup:

The Empowerment Guild: Morgan’s favorite fashion designer, Daniel Richards, has been abusing his wife Amber for some time. After Morgan tries to help Amber, Daniel gets a restraining order against her. She is now using mind control and intentional medicine (the Waterman Method) to help Amber escape from Daniel with her kids. She has gotten the members of her fiber arts guild (the Guild) to learn the Waterman Method and help women who come to Bridget’s women’s shelter.

Dialogue Structure: Two Different Conversations at the Same Time

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The guild is meeting again but only RHONDA and MORGAN are there so far.

Rhonda gets out a pattern.

RHONDA

Maybe you can help me interpret these instructions. I don’t understand round three.

MORGAN

Sure, let me take a look.

RHONDA

By the way, Amber Richards came through the ER last night with a broken wrist.

Morgan pretends to focus on the pattern, but her eyes tear up.

MORGAN

Do you have the first two rounds done? Can I take a look at it?

RHONDA

Sure, let me grab it for you.

Rhonda fishes the new project out of her bag and hands it to Morgan.

RHONDA

We talked to her alone while we were fixing her up. I thought we’d talked her into pressing charges this time.

Amber looks up hopefully, but sees Rhonda’s resigned expression.

RHONDA

But then she spotted Daniel pacing in the hallway with the kids, waiting to take her home.

MORGAN

He was there? How awful. He’s a vicious slime worm who should be in jail.

Morgan looks back and forth from the pattern to the project, tugging and pulling a bit.

RHONDA

Experts say that by the time a woman gets broken bones, she’s at a much higher risk of being killed by her partner.

Morgan heaves a sigh, looks down, tears more evident now.

MORGAN

I think I see how to do this. Do you mind if I try it to see if I’m right? Then we’ll rip it out and you can do it so it will match your tension.

Rhonda signals her to go ahead. She watches Morgan work, then speaks again, her voice full of distress and hopelessness.

RHONDA

Daniel hovered around until we couldn’t stall any longer. We had to send her home with him. I hate that.

Morgan lets the project collapse into her lap.

MORGAN

It’s not right. We have to do more. I have to do more. I’ll find a way to help her.

Rhonda takes the project out of Morgan’s hands and looks at what she’s done.

RHONDA

Oh, I see how it’s supposed to work. Thank you, dear.

Rhonda looks up at Morgan, sympathetic to her distress. Morgan looks away, steely determination igniting in her eye.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Colorful Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is easier to edit in the colorful dialogue if there is more emotion in the scene in general, whether stated or not.

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

MORGAN is watching an intentional medicine video. GAVIN is on the sofa with the dog, reading a book.

His phone rungs. He answers.

GAVIN

Hello…Yes, she is.

He proffers his phone to Morgan.

GAVIN

For you.

She pauses the video, rises, takes the phone, returns to her nook as she speaks.

MORGAN

This is Morgan.

CUT TO:

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL

You bitch! I know you’ve been talking to my wife. I’ll kill you if you do it again.

Intercut as necessary.

Morgan is tense, straight-backed.

MORGAN

I have respect for the law. I haven’t spoken to your wife since the restraining order went into effect.

DANIEL

I know that’s not true. You’ve been putting ideas in her head. Making her think she can leave me.

MORGAN

She’s a rational adult. I’m sure she can leave you if she likes. I’m also sure you’ve given her plenty of reasons to leave.

DANIEL

You spoiled brat, lying, brainless bitch. You won’t get away with this. You won’t get away with violating the restraining order like this. You’re a trophy wife, an empty-headed model whose never had any responsibility in her life.

MORGAN

That’s not true.

Daniel practically spits as he assembles his list of accusations.

DANIEL

It is. And if you think your machinations, insinuations, interference, and malignant thinking are going to take Amber away from me, you’re a dead woman.

Daniel hangs up.

Morgan, hand shaking, returns the phone to Gavin.

He notices how upset she is.

GAVIN

What’s wrong? What was it?

Morgan sinks to the sofa next to him, picking up the dog from his lap and hugging it.

MORGAN

It was Daniel. He thinks I’m trying to get Amber to leave him…violating the restraining order.

GAVIN

But you haven’t?

MORGAN

Of course not.

GAVIN

Then why?

MORGAN

Because Amber is thinking about leaving him.

She ponders. Gavin puts his arm around her, pulling her close, comforting, like a parent.

Morgan sits bolt upright again, putting the pup back in Gavin’s lap.

MORGAN

You know what this means, don’t you?

Gavin waits expectantly.

MORGAN

It means that what I’m doing is working. The Waterman Method is working. The empowerment is real. Her pain, guilt, and fear are dissipating.

She is triumphant, then morphs to thoughtfulness, almost guilt. She stands, erect, proud. Amazed at her own success.

MORGAN

What I’m doing is making a difference. A real difference. I’m making a difference.

She exhales a long slow breath, walks back to her desk, contemplating.

Gavin goes back to his book.

She sits down at her secretary, contemplates the paused video. Ponders again. Is she sure what she’s doing is right?

She switches off the video, looks all around the room for answers.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Subtext Pointers 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s harder (for me) to put subtext in dialogue than in action.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

All five gals are seated in the circle, working on projects.

BRIDGET

I have some good news and some bad news.

EMILY

Oh? Tell us.

BRIDGET

Three of my repeat tenants have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good.

They look to one another in self-congratulation.

MORGAN

That’s fabulous.

RHONDA

About time.

CINDA

How’d they do it?

Bridget waits for the group to focus on her again.

BRIDGET

One of them struck her husband with a brick, leaving him unconscious. That gave her time to get her go bag – I always tell women to have one of those – and her kids and go to her parents’ place in Ohio.

EMILY

That’s a violent exit. Is he okay?

Morgan focuses hard on her work, her face red.

RHONDA

Bridget called me when she hears about it so I checked. A concussion, but he’s okay otherwise.

EMILY

Mad as hell, I bet. Is he going to file charges.

CINDA

Probably not. He wants the wife. The kids were hers when they got together. If she’s convicted, she’ll be in jail, not in his house.

BRIDGET

All’s well that ends well. The second woman was tired of being slapped around all the time. Her husband plugged her with his fist when she slapped him back. She’s out of the hospital with her jaw wired shut for six weeks, but she and her kids went to live with her brother across town.

Morgan shifts uncomfortably.

CINDA

So empowerment equals violence? Is that how this is supposed to work?

She looks at Morgan who grimly shakes her head.

EMILY

What about the third woman?

BRIDGET

That one’s less violent, but no less effective. The woman changed the locks on her house so her husband couldn’t get in, took her kids and move back to her mother’s.

RHONDA

Doesn’t he have a right to be in his own house?

Bridget smiles.

BRIDGET

That’s just it. It’s her house. He moved in with her when they got together and had her so cowed she couldn’t find a way to kick him out. Now he has no house and no clothes.

RHONDA

So she gets the last laugh.

BRIDGET

I told her to some with some big burly movers, put his stuff in a storage unit with the first month’s

BRIDGET

rent paid and then send a registered letter to him where he works. She wouldn’t be required to do more than that, would she, Em?

EMILY

How long were they together?

BRIDGET

Less than two years.

EMILY

Then that would keep him from having any legal standing if he tried to go after her for any reason, criminal or civil.

RHONDA

So Morgan, you’ve been quiet. Three women saved from further abuse. That’s good, right?

Morgan shifts again uncomfortably, drops a stitch, fumbles to pick it up.

The others watch, waiting for her to respond.

MORGAN

Yeah, I think so. They’re all safe. That’s what we wanted, right?

Everyone focuses on their work, frowning, not looking around.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Cover-ups

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s possible to quickly come up with a way to do a cover-up using any of these techniques. They are fast to generate and can spice up a situation.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan is at her instructor’s desk. He’s packing up his books.

MORGAN

Can you answer a quick question?

INSTRUCTOR

Sure.

MORGAN

If I use the Waterman Method on someone from a distance, you know, I’m home, they’re in their home, is it legally OK?

Method: SILENCE

The instructor just packs up his materials like she hasn’t asked him a question yet.

METHOD – Action incongruent with words.

With his fingers crossed behind his back as he puts his backpack on, he says, “Sure, perfectly fine.”

METHOD – Change subject

“Do you think every understood what I was saying about intentions vs. wishes?”

METHOD: Question them

“Are you in legal trouble for using Waterman?”

METHOD: Attack back

“I think you need to ask yourself why you’re not open and honest with the person you’re working on.”

METHOD: Complement them

“You ask the best questions. We’ll be covering that in a few weeks. Have a great evening.”

METHOD: Threaten them

“You’d better not be using Waterman for anything we haven’t already talked about in class and we certainly haven’t talked about remote work yet.

METHOD: Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

“I think using Waterman from a distance is a useful tool.”

METHOD: Misdirection

“Have you successfully used Waterman on a small habit of yours or on a pet behavior you’d like to change?”

METHOD: Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

I couldn’t really come up with them since this isn’t really emotional.

METHOD: Distraction

“Did you see if Mr. Jerndon turned in his paper?”

METHOD: Make a joke of it

“If you think your thoughts can travel that far one third of the way through the course, go for it.”

METHOD: Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

“I have a ton of papers to grade tonight. I hope you’re doing something more fun.”

MY CHOICE:

I chose to have the Instructor offer an answer and Morgan smile slyly — She’s definitely got something underhanded in mind.

INSTRUCTOR

I would say yes. The law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and likens it to offering “thoughts and prayers” which is always OK.

Morgan smiles slyly.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue Structures

What I learned doing this assignment is that doing more than one of these in a scene will make the scene much more interesting to the reader.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

BRIDGET, CINDA, MORGAN, EMILY and RHONDA are settling in to work on their projects.

BRIDGET

I don’t know what Morgan did, but Sarah CheckThisName got a job with her old employer after five years at home with her little one being abused. Is everyone finished with the charity projects for the shelter? I’ll collect them if you have anything.

Everyone searches their bags for hats, socks, blankets or other items they’ve made for the shelter and passed them down the line to Bridget or walks them over to her throughout the scene.

RHONDA

What did you do, Morgan?

MORGAN

I used the Waterman method to give her confidence and take away her pain and emotional distress from her abuse.

EMILY

I’ve heard you talk about the Waterman technique but I thought that was just something a person did to improve themselves, not something you were taking patients in – or client, or whatever you call them.

MORGAN

It’s something I do for myself or for others, but I don’t take clients.

EMILY

Rhonda, I need help. I dropped a stitch 7 rows back and I’m need your help to fix it so I don’t have to rip it back to there.

RHONDA

Sure, not problem.

Rhonda puts her work down and takes her chair with her to sit next to Emily.

As they talk about Waterman, Emily and Rhonda continue to work on the problem fix.

RHONDA

So what does Waterman have to do with Sarah? How does it work?

Rhonda deftly works with Emily’s project, pointing out what she’s doing to Emily

MORGAN

It’s a form of mind control. I go focus, concentrate on the problem, see the solution and then imagine that the solution is realized — kind of like telling the universe to “Make it so” while concentrating on what you want to happen.

Rhonda points out what she’s done to Emily

RHONDA

See how I marked the dropped stitch and then pulled up a little slack in each of the spaces where we’ll need a new stitch?

To Morgan

RHONDA

So how did you meet Sarah?

MORGAN

Oh, I don’t know her. Bridget just told me about her.

Rhonda’s hands freeze on Emily’s project.

RHONDA

So you’re telling me you fixed her without ever talking to her or knowing her at all?

MORGAN

Yes. That’s exactly right. It’s amazing.

RHONDA

Does it work on habits and pain and eating more healthy? Any of that?

Rhonda continues to look at Morgan.

MORGAN

All of it. It’s amazing stuff.

BRIDGET

I told her I think we should all learn how to use it. Imagine the impact of five people trying to help one of my shelter women at once rather than just Morgan.

CINDA

I’m in. Bridget, do you think these two colors coordinate?

She holds up two balls of yarn for Bridget to evaluate.

BRIDGET

They do.

RHONDA

I’m in.

EMILY

Me too, although it sounds a little too good to be true.

(to Rhonda)

Thank you so much for helping me with this, Rhonda. I knew you’d know what to do.

Rhonda relinquishes the project back to Emily.

RHONDA

You sure you’ve got it?

EMILY

I think so.

RHONDA

Can you get us the information on the class? Just email it to us.

MORGAN

Will do. This will be great.

Looking at the pile of hats, baby blankets and socks from the gals.

BRIDGET

This is magnificent, ladies. My women will love all of this. I’m looking forward to helping them with the Waterman Method too.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that anticipatory dialogue also contributes to the attack/counterattack in a conversation.

In my scene below, I used direct prediction, indirect prediction, imply consequences, warnings,

SCENE

INT. PATROL CAR – MORNING

Cinda tells Rod about how successful Morgan has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.

CINDA drives. Her partner ROD scans the streets as they drive.

CINDA

You know my fiber guild?

Rod never stops scanning traffic and the sidewalks. Responds with little enthusiasm. Just killing time.

ROD

Yeah.

CINDA

One of our members is doing mind control to help women in the shelter.

ROD

Mind control? Help them how?

CINDA

She gives them confidence. Takes away their pain.

ROD

She a doctor?

CINDA

No. Just wants to help. Bridget, who runs the shelter, said this woman who’d been abused for years didn’t have the courage and self-confidence to get a job. Morgan did her mind control thing, gave her confidence, and the woman got a job at her old firm.

Rod stops scanning. Looks critically at Cinda.

ROD

What is this mind control stuff?

CINDA

It’s a little woo-woo, but seems to actually work.

Rod goes back to scanning.

ROD

You believe in it?

CINDA

Not sure yet, but she believes and she says it doesn’t matter if the people she uses it on believe. Only that she does. Bridget says it works.

ROD

So these shelter women signed up to have her mind controlled?

CINDA

No. She don’t even know Morgan did it.

Rod looks back at Cinda.

ROD

Something about that’s not right.

CINDA

What do you mean?

ROD

She gives women confidence without them asking for it or even knowing she’s done it?

CINDA

Yeah.

He ponders.

ROD

First of all, that sounds like a joke. Second, it sounds unethical.

CINDA

Unethical, how?

ROD

If it actually works and this mind control can actually give a woman confidence, what if confidence gives her the courage to strike back next time she’s hit? Maybe even kill her husband?

He pauses, laughs.

ROD

Maybe just knock’em in the nose with a can of carrots.

Cinda ponders.

Rod points to a car in the next lane.

ROD

Light’em up. Expired plates.

Cinda hits the lights and siren.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this lesson is specifying this info will dictate some turning points and changes that must be manifested in the story.

Hero and Character Arc:

My hero is Nick, a former Army Ranger with PTSD who is working as a mall Santa

Internal Journey: Plagued by nightmares and flashbacks, Nick doesn’t trust his own sense of reality any more. He relies on his PTSD dog to tell him what’s real and who to trust. He learns to trust himself in this screenplay.

External Journey: Nick sees the president’s parents kidnapped, rescues them using his Ranger skills, but then flees with them, going off grid to avoid all law enforcement since at least one government agent is involved in the kidnapping attempt and continues to pursue them using government resources. He must figure out who can be trusted and who will kill anyone in their way to hold the parents hostage to help a hostile foreign government.

Old Ways:

– Only trusts his PTSD teacup poodle

– Nightmares/Flashbacks/Hypervigilance

– Shuns being around others

– Can’t keep a job

New Ways:

– Trusts his own judgement of people (good/bad/dangerous/safe)

– Loves a woman

– Ready to take charge again

– Nightmares/Hypervigilance abating (not completely gone, but he knows what’s real or not when a flashback or nightmare is over.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi Everyone!

My name: Janeen Johnson

Number of Scripts: 5

What I hope to get from the class: I’ve actually taken this class about a year ago, but the screenplay I wrote for it needs a total rewrite and I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the topic. I took the Action and Comedy classes last fall and hope to write the Action/Comedy that we worked on in that class. I’ve also signed up for the Rewrite class (I took that before I took the 30 Day class) and hope to move into a rewrite with it so I’ll have a polished screenplay by March.

Something odd or unusual about me: I live in a town that’s 15 miles from the farm I grew up on, but between high school and now, I’ve moved 36 times, worked for 25 companies in at least 29 locations around the country.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Contrast Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that the contrast creates some cognitive dissonance that highlights the extreme difference between the dialogue and action.

Contrast — dialogue of violence, revenge, empowerment while action is creating soft, cuddly baby items for charity.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The ladies of the guild are working on charity baby items tonight — sweaters, hats, blankets, loveys, etc.

BRIDGET enters last. MORGAN, RHONDA, and EMILY are already at work.

BRIDGET

Sorry I’m late. I had to celebrate with one of my residents.

Morgan stops working, eager.

MORGAN

Anyone I know?

BRIDGET

As a matter of fact, yes. Remember Janna Gilbert?

MORGAN

Hasn’t worked in years, needs a job to start her new life.

BRIDGET

Exactly. She got a job at her old financial planning firm even though it had been four years. It’s a trainee position, but they said if she gets caught up on her certifications, they’ll give her the next opening they have as a planner.

EMILY

What are you working on tonight, Bridget?

BRIDGET

A preemie cap. I’ve made six so far for St. Luke’s.

EMILY

Beautiful lace work. So delicate.

Everyone oo’s and ah’s about a couple of hats she passes around.

MORGAN

Give me another name. I’ll see what I can do.

BRIDGET

I made you a list of a couple. I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep it up. I don’t believe in that mumbo jumbo myself, but in the off chance it works, go for it.

She hands Morgan a list with a couple of names and situations on it. Morgan slips it in her purse.

Cinda arrives, pulls a half done baby blanket out of her bag and gets to work.

CINDA

I’ve got news about one of your former clients, Bridget.

Morgan is pleased, eager.

MORGAN

Janna Gilbert? We were just talking about her.

CINDA

No, remember Sarah Topper?

All nod.

MORGAN

That’s one of the names Bridget gave me a few weeks ago. She needed the strength and courage to leave her husband.

CINDA

She left him alright. For jail. She popped him in the nose with a can of carrots. Darndest thing. He bled like a stuck pig.

Morgan blushes, guilty.

Bridget and Emily look at her.

EMILY

What did you do? You didn’t pull suggest she do violence, did you?

MORGAN

No, no, of course not. I used the Waterman Method to give her courage and strength. That’s what Bridget told me she needed.

She puts her head down, knitting furiously on a newborn lovey.

BRIDGET

I don’t know if what you’re doing works, but be careful with it. That’s not the kind of strength and courage I was asking you to find for her.

Rhonda and Emily exchange smirks, Bridget furiously jerks her hat around on the needles, Cinda rolls her eyes and does a low whistle. Morgan keeps her head down and her needles clacking.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s World View Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that specifying the world view info makes it easier to fine tune and pare down the dialogue, homing in on the points specific to each character rather than a less focused discussion.

CHARACTERS

Character Name: Cinda – Cop

World View: Winners and Losers

Life Metaphor: The law is not fair to women.

Rules and Strategies:

When someone gets beaten, the beater should pay. <div>

When someone gets beaten, it’s okay for them to hit back.

The law should look out for the underdogs.

Women aren’t likely to press charges if the guy will be released soon and they have nowhere to go if they leave the home with the kids.

Justifications:

– Men are usually bigger than women and have the advantage

– Men intimidate women and if the women eventually fights back, that’s fine. That’s justice.

– Abusers often have control of the money so they can get better lawyers and get off when charged.

Character Name: Rod – Cop

World View: Level Playing Field

Life Metaphor: Do the Crime, Serve the Time

Rules and Strategies:

– The law gives everyone the same shot at life

– People determine their own fate

– the law is fair

Justifications:

– He’s a black man who’s got the same shot at making captain as all the other cops.

– He was raised by a black woman who threw his father out when he came home drunk and abusive.

– He knows Cinda would never put up with being hit.

SCENE

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

ROD and CINDA return to the police station after a domestic violence call.

ROD

Did you see that guy’s nose? Man, that had to hurt.

CINDA

I’m guessing he deserved it.

Rod shakes his head in derision.

ROD

She sucker punched him with a can of carrots. Who does that?

CINDA

I can guess. Let’s find out.

They set up their laptop.

CINDA

Look him up. I bet he’s hit her before.

ROD

Maybe. But my momma through out my daddy the one and only time he hit her. But my money says she’s a husband beater.

CINDA

You got a bet. The name’s James Topper.

Rod taps the keys and a record comes up.

ROD

Nothing. Arrested for domestic violence a couple of times but never charged.

Cinda gives him the side eye.

CINDA

Uh huh. Sure. She’s the abuser. Sarah Topper. I know that name.

ROD

Hmm.

ROD

The only thing here are six domestic abuse victim statements and each time she refused to press charges. Couldn’t have been that bad.

CINDA

Three of the statements were taken at the same shelter. I know the woman who runs it. That’s where I’ve heard the name.

ROD

Sarah threw the first and only punch today. This is on her. As mad as he was, he’ll press assault charges.

Cinda abruptly turns Rod’s chair to face her.

CINDA

Six times she was beaten so badly that somebody called it in. Six times and nothing happened to him. How many other times did she get hit that weren’t reported? When does she get justice?

Rod shrugs.

ROD

Maybe she likes to pick fights. If she don’t like it, she should leave.

CINDA

That’s sick. Women don’t “want” to get beaten, just like they don’t want to get raped. No record of any injuries for him. So my money says he threw the first punch at least six times. And not a charge, a conviction, or a day of jail time.

Rod shrugs again.

CINDA

He’ll probably get custody of the kids while she rots in jail for a soup can to the nose. He got away with broken bones and at least six beatings we know about. Ten to one, he’ll start hitting the kids within a month.

She shakes her head, helpless.

ROD

It’s the law, Cinda. You get hit, you press charges, the perp gets jail time.

CINDA

That’s not how it usually works for abused women. They’re too scared to press charges. By the way, I won the bet.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Finished Wordsmithing!

What I learned doing this assignment is that as I wordsmithed the scenes in a random order (I’d choose a random number from one to ten and do all the scene numbers that ended with that number), I more or less memorized the six steps. I started doing just Steps 1 and 2 as I’d printed the reference doc with those two steps on the first page. Then I’d make another pass with Steps 3 and 4. I’d used many of the Step 3 and 4 improvements for years in novel writing so soon I was doing them on a scene while still working on Steps 1 and 2.

By doing random scenes, I was able to focus on the content of the scene rather than the story. Reading chronologically, I get into the story and forget to edit. The random method helped.

Most Interesting Edits:

As I tried to transform my descriptions from sentences to phrases, I began to hear the revised descriptions the way Hal would read them. All I had to do was write them down.

i’ve done the widow check in novel writing so doing that came naturally in my final pass. I’m always amazed how the lines change and morph when removing one word requires a rewrite.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Traits Live!

What I learned doing this assignment is having the list at the ready makes it easier to elevate characterization in dialogue.

CHARACTRERS:

Morgan Day – Trophy Wife/Fashionista:

Insecure

Curious

Perfectionist

Bold under Pressure

Gavin Day – Brilliant Author:

Detached

Domineering

Proud

Craves Intimacy

Setup: Morgan is trying intentional medicine with the goal of using it to help abused women. Gavin is worried she will run afoul of the restraining order a disgruntled husband has against her and is concerned for her safety — and notoriety.

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

MORGAN is watching an intentional medicine training video. When it finishes, she tries the technique on herself.

She writes on an index card: Increased confidence, Decreased Fear, Perfect Skin, Resilience

Gavin, sitting on his lush leather sofa, glances at her periodically, smiles indulgently and goes back to his reading.

Morgan has a printed “Instruction” sheet and she steps through it

Time passes.

Morgan clinks her finger cymbals, takes a cleansing breath and smiles to herself.

Gavin looks over at the sound of the cymbals, registers satisfaction when he sees her stretch lithely, caressing the arm of his chair in anticipation.

Morgan turns, catches him watching her and joins him on the sofa, snuggling under his arm.

His voice is colder and more accusatory than he intended.

GAVIN

You’re been spending a lot of time at your computer lately.

Morgan quickly looks at his face, looks down again.

MORGAN

I’m learning some new techniques that help women develop more courage. Become empowered.

Gavin strokes her hair, her shoulder, like stroking a cat.

GAVIN

Do you feel you lack courage?

Morgan stiffens a little.

MORGAN

No, not when it counts.

Gavin’s caressing stops.

MORGAN

Mostly, I’m learning it so I can help the women at the shelter.

She hesitates.

MORGAN (CONT’D)

And Amber Daniels. I’m worried about her.

Gavin is pompous, dictatorial, addressing a naughty child.

GAVIN

We’ve talked about this. I don’t want you interfering.

Morgan turns to look him full in the face, stony.

GAVIN

Daniels is dangerous and I don’t want you getting in trouble with the law. It’s unseemly.

He strokes her hair again.

GAVIN (CONT’D)

And I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.

He moves toward her for a kiss, but she rises from the sofa before he gets close.

MORGAN

The women at the shelter need support and I intend to give it. From a safe distance. Your publisher won’t see my name in the paper again.

She bends to plant a prim kiss on his cheek and then leaves the room, not looking back.

Gavin stares after her, sadness creeping over his face, suddenly older, more alone.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Great Dialogue Scene from Notting Hill

I chose this scene because so much of what they convey is subtext, assumption, emotion and wit with very few lines and often, only a word or two.

INT. ANNA’S SUITE SITTING ROOM – DAY

They knock on her door.

ANNA (V.O.)

Come in.

William enters. A certain nervousness. They are alone again.

ANNA

Ahm. That thing I was doing tonight

— I’m not doing it any more. I told

them I had to spend the evening with

Britain’s premier equestrian

journalist.

<NOTE: Anna is nervous for a change>

WILLIAM

Oh well, great. Perfect. Oh no —

shittity brickitty — it’s my sister’s

birthday — shit — we’re meant to be

having dinner.

<NOTE: William is caught off guard by the invitation, and changes his mind about her invitation from surprise to delight to chagrin to apology in a short speech.>

ANNA

Okay — fine.

<NOTE: Anna is surprised by the rejection, but then considers it an invitation and agrees to go with him.>

WILLIAM

But no, I’m sure I can get out of it.

<NOTE: Senses he’s offended Anna and lets her know she is his priority.>

ANNA

No, I mean, if it’s fine with you,

I’ll, you know, be your date.

<NOTE: Almost playing with him now>

WILLIAM

You’ll be my date at my little sister’s

birthday party?

ANNA

If that’s all right.

<NOTE: Still toying with him.>

WILLIAM

I’m sure it’s all right. My friend

Max is cooking and he’s acknowledged

to be the worst cook in the world, but

you know, you could hide the food in

your handbag or something.

<NOTE: Shows William’s wit and inventiveness which attracts her more.>

ANNA

Okay.

WILLIAM

Right.

<NOTE: Not sure how he’s going to explain this to Bella, wondering how Anna will like the group, etc., all with 1 word>

(pause)

WILLIAM

Okay.

<NOTE: Has reconciled himself that it will work and is delighted (as much as Hugh Grant ever is)>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Final Scene!

SCENE:

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Bridget tells Morgan what shelter women need most to leave, citing one resident that Morgan can try to help with confidence and bruise healing.

BRIDGET and MORGAN settle into chairs and sip coffee.

MORGAN

I’m so glad you could meet me. I’ve been wanting to help Amber Richards more and I think I’ve found a way.

BRIDGET

That’s wonderful. They need so many things to escape an abusive home. Deposits, jobs, clothes, utilities. What did you have in mind?

Morgan takes a deep breath, dives in.

MORGAN

You know I’ve been studying the Waterman Method.

Bridget nods, slight disappointment tinging her smile.

MORGAN

Well, Waterman also offers an intentional medicine course and I’m taking it. It’s online so I’m moving through it really quickly.

Bridget expression changes to confusion.

BRIDGET

How will that help Amber or the women in the shelter?

Morgan frowns, expected enthusiasm, support.

MORGAN

Well, you said women needed confidence and self-esteem. Waterman can give them that. I can give them that. Gavin thinks its some kind of amusement, but it’s a serious tool.

Bridget sags, disappointed.

MORGAN

But I can also help them to heal faster with intentional medicine like we talked about at guild.

MORGAN

It can lessen pain, mitigate chronic conditions, uplift spirits, things like that. That would be helpful, wouldn’t it?

BRIDGET

Of course, dear. That would be wonderful.

Bridget checks her phone and prepares to leave.

BRIDGET

I’m late for a staff meeting. I’m so glad we had this chance to chat. See you at guild?

Morgan leans back in her chair, bewildered.

MORGAN

Yes, I’ll see you there.

Bridget hurries out of the cafe and Morgan contemplates her coffee.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Multiple Meanings

What I learned doing this assignment is that micro-aggressions can be depicted quite easily using this technique.

Situation:

Morgan is a trophy wife who has a restraining order against her for calling the police when a friend (Daniel’s wife) asked her to do so. She is doing mind control and learning intentional medicine to try to help the friend. Morgan is suffering a mild form of mental abuse from her husband who treats her like a child and trivializes the tasks she sets for herself. She is unaware of the abuse aspect, but resents his trivializing of her efforts to make her own mark in the world.

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, 10+ years her senior, wealthy successful writer, loves his wife, loves showing her off (she makes him feel younger and she loves him), but treats her like a child as a matter of course.

The Scene:

Morgan’s husband warns her to stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her. Stick with her little mind control stuff. This trivialization of her Waterman work infuriates her and she quietly seethes, resolving to do more to help Amber.

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

MORGAN, meticulously dressed for an evening at home, sits at her little secretary in the nook off Gavin’s office. She is reading from the Waterman Method website with rapt attention.

GAVIN, in his leather chair, scotch on his side table in a heave lead glass tumbler, alternately watches his wife and reads a hardcover. Looking every inch the successful author with legs crossed in a gentlemanly pose and a look of amusement on his face when he looks at his wife.

GAVIN

How was your knitting club tonight? Did you have a good time?

Morgan turns to him, smiling and quickly locking her computer’s screen as she turns.

MORGAN

We did. Everyone has such beautiful projects. I finished my fourth hat for charity and started a fifth.

She knows Gavin has no real interest in her projects. Waits for the real reason he’s speaking to her.

GAVIN

A friend in the DA’s office says things could get very nasty for us if you come anywhere near that designer’s family. Be very careful to avoid them.

MORGAN

I will. I have no intention of violating the restraining order.

GAVIN

That man is a dangerous villain. If he beats his wife, then he won’t think twice about hurting you, my dear.

He stops, concern showing on his face.

GAVIN

I don’t know what I’d do if he hurt you. I’d probably attempt to kill him with my bare hands.

Morgan smiles, rises, and crosses to Gavin, sitting on the arm of his chair and kissing him on the cheek and then the lips.

His arm snakes around her and he brushes her cheek, cupping her chin in his fingers.

Morgan gives a soft chuckle, caressing his hand.

MORGAN

I hope that won’t be necessary. You have to protect your fingers. Your fans will revolt if your next novel is late.

He smiles, hugs her, kisses her forehead. They both understand he is dismissing her.

GAVIN

Stick with your knitting and your little mind control experiments. Stay safe.

Annoyance flickers across Morgan’s face.

MORGAN

I’m learning a new technique that may enable me to help Amber from a distance. I need to do more for her, but obviously, with the restraining order…

She trails off, looking back at Gavin who is already engrossed with his book. She pauses, blinks back tears, hurt.

MORGAN

(a little louder)

I’ll head upstairs now. Are you coming soon?

Gavin looks up from his book, smiles.

GAVIN

I’ll be along shortly.

She turns to give him an inviting smile, but he’s already returned to his book. She sobers, leaves.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Directional FOS patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is that these are handy ways to avoid on the nose dialogue and action.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The gals sit in a circle working on their projects. CINDA addresses BRIDGET.

CINDA

Have you heard anything more from that designer’s wife?

BRIDGET

No, have you, Morgan?

Morgan drops the stitch she was knitting, flustered.

MORGAN

No, of course not. I would never violate the order like that.

RHONDA stops her work as Morgan scrambles to pick up the dropped stitch.

RHONDA

I have a bad feeling about that gal.

Everyone glances up at her, urging her to continue.

RHONDA

She had a lot of bruises and we did a chest x-ray too. You were right to call the police, Morgan.

Morgan is flustered again.

MORGAN

She asked me to call them, I didn’t decide to do it.

EMILY and Rhonda exchange a look.

EMILY

We weren’t suggesting anything. I see abused women all the time and it’s heartbreaking.

Morgan studiously concentrates on her work.

RHONDA

So do I. They’ve been threatened or had their kids, or just as bad, their pets threatened — or hurt. We’ve had a number of them come in with all the physical damage of a rape, but their husbands did it to them.

They shudder. Morgan looks around as though needing to escape.

CINDA

They almost never press charges. Too afraid of what will happen when the guy makes bail.

BRIDGET

By the time they get to me, they’ve been isolated, their careers cut short, abused so much they have no self-confidence, no resources, and they blame themselves for the violence. It’s so sad.

MORGAN

Blame themselves?

BRIDGET

Yeah. The man’s got them so brainwashed they think if dinner isn’t on the table when he gets home or they don’t look pretty enough or he can see a bruise under a pile of makeup that they did something wrong and he’s justified if he beats them for it.

MORGAN

I could never stay with a man who hit me. Never.

EMILY

You’d be surprised how many of my clients have stayed until it gets so bad they’re sure they’ll be killed next time.

RHONDA

And they’re right sometimes. How a man could do that to a woman, I’ll never know.

There is a brief lull. They all go back to work.

MORGAN

I wish there was more I could do for Daniel’s wife — to help her get away.

RHONDA

Since you can’t talk to her or visit her, maybe you could try some of that new age mumbo jumbo. It might make you feel better.

MORGAN

Mumbo jumbo?

RHONDA

Yeah, we talked about it one time. What’s it called, Bridget?

BRIDGET

Intentional medicine. It’s like faith healing, but anyone can do it.

MORGAN

Faith healing? How does it work?

Rhonda and Bridget shrug their shoulders. Rhonda brightens.

RHONDA

I’m not sure it does, but if it did, maybe it could put the hospital out of business. I’ve had enough overtime lately to last a lifetime.

They all chuckle.

Morgan searches for intentional medicine on her phone. There is a reference to it on the Waterman Technique website. Her eyes widen, she sighs and slips her phone away again, a smile playing around her lips.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Has Amazing Description

What I learned doing this assignment is that I really need to make these techniques a part of my repertoire so I don’t have to make pass after pass fixing them. I found my mind wandering while I was supposed to be focused on description and I changed/modified dialogue too. Sometimes it was necessary to make the action clearer, but often, I had lapsed into word smithing. If it’s part of my normal process to write good action, I won’t have to struggle to focus on description so much. I find it exhausting to maintain focus on details for long periods of time. I definitely want to include as many good techniques in my normal writing process rather than rewriting them in. Also, if they become the norm, cursory editing will fix them in earlier drafts.

Examples:

1. Fall on the farm — I tried to add some emotion to the descriptions.

BEFORE: It’s late fall.

TEEN MOLLY, in a jacket and gloves, struggles to heft a large flower pot into a garden cart. TEEN JIM pulls up in his pickup and jumps out to help, an engaging smile in his voice.

AFTER: It’s late fall. Trees are bare, wind is blowing, most fields are already harvested, planters around the house have been cleared of frozen, dead mums.

TEEN MOLLY, in a jacket and work gloves, struggles to heft a large flower pot into a garden cart.

TEEN JIM pulls up in his pickup and jumps out to help, an engaging smile in his voice.

2. Mindy making her first move on Mike. I wanted to show more premeditation by Mindy.

BEFORE: TEEN MINDY, checking out her hair and clothes in the mirror, checks the clock and then pulls some Christmas decorations from a box. The door is propped open about 6 inches.

AFTER: TEEN MINDY, checks out her hair, jeans and sweater in the mirror, primps a little, looks expectantly at the clock.

The room door is propped open about 6 inches. Footsteps in the hall signal someone approaching. Mindy hastily pulls some Christmas decorations from a box.

3. 4th of July picnic where Jim’s jealousy grows dark. I wasn’t sure how to indicate we only hear music, not conversation. I had incorporated it into another action line before, but separated it to make it clear there would be no audible conversation for the rest of the scene. Not sure I did it right.

BEFORE: Under music that goes from mild and pleasant to ominous by end of scene, Jim takes the plate, proffers his empty bottle and Randi swaps with him, making small talk.

AFTER: Music plays over the rest of the scene, changing from mild and pleasant to ominous by end of scene.

Jim takes the plate, proffers his empty bottle, and Randi swaps with him, making small talk.

4. Molly leaves her home in anger. The original dialogue wasn’t crisp. Maybe these are just tweaks.

BEFORE: In silhouette through the farmhouse windows, we see the argument escalate.

Jim’s rant grows more belligerent and Molly’s posture gradually grows taller.

Finally, she grabs her keys and leaves the house, getting into her pickup and leaving the yard in a spray of gravel.

AFTER: In silhouette through the farmhouse windows, the argument escalates.

Jim’s rant grows belligerent. Molly pulls herself up more with each exchange. She’s ready to leave him.

Finally, she grabs her keys, exits the house. Her pickup leaves the yard in a spray of gravel.

5. I had a number of time jumps in the pilot where flashbacks will reveal a more complete picture of what happened between scenes in future episodes as they become important. I modified a number of these in the script.

BEFORE: Indicate that this is Early Last October.

AFTER: It’s three months later, early October.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Has Great Introductions

What I learned doing this assignment is that these description skills need to be practiced enough that they become automatic for me. I like what they did for the script.

Improvements:

World:

I had not specifically added location descriptions. I did so, using the description techniques in the lesson.

Character Introductions:

Original: CARA TINKHAM, sleek, mid-thirties, empathetic and kind finishes up a session with one of her clients.

After: CARA TINKHAM, sleek, mid-thirties, empathetic and kind, finishes up a session on a mid-forties client by clinking finger cymbals. After ten years in practice, she’s still mildly embarrassed every time she clinks the cymbals.

I didn’t do much more than list traits in my original character descriptions. I tried to add a little life to them in this draft.

Irony:

By adding more subtext, irony emerged naturally in many descriptions.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Description 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that the action became more urgent when I stopped writing complete sentences and broke it down more. I am also learning to write just the visuals and will try to flag description while writing if I can’t find the way to express what I’m trying to get across in action. That way, I’ll know it’s something I need to fix later, rather than needing to analyze it again.

5 Before and After Examples:

Before: Cara ducks out of the treatment room, gives her RECEPTIONIST a thumbs up indicating the client’s over-the-top response.

After: Cara ducks out as the client gathers up her things. She gives her RECEPTIONIST a mind blown gesture. The receptionist chuckles and gives her a thumbs up.

2. Before: Mike hits the brakes to no avail and starts to panic.

After: Mike hits the brakes. Nothing. Pumps them, panicking.

3. Before: They stare in horror and disbelief as they rush toward the train, Mike vainly stomping the brakes, fumbling for the emergency brake.

After: They stare in horror as they rush toward the train. Mike stomps the brakes, fumbles for the emergency brake.

4. Before: Molly fidgets.

After: Jim glances meaningfully from Mike to Molly. Mike gets his drift. Molly fidgets.

5. Before: TEEN MIKE and TEEN CARA sit at the same table as the class gathers for English 101. They take a few glances when the other isn’t looking and then their eyes meet. There are instant sparks and then both look at peace as though they’ve found their soulmates.

After: Typical college classroom, with students gathering at tables. TEEN MIKE and TEEN CARA sit at the same table for English 101.

During class, each glances at the other with growing interest.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Has Great Dialogue!

What I learned doing this assignment is most of my changes have been to show more character or add subtext.

When Molly refuses to go to a wedding reception with him because it would feel like she’s cheating on her boyfriend who would never cheat on her, Jim responds: <div>

BEFORE: He wouldn’t, would he. (pause) I’ll see you Saturday, Molls, unless you decide to hit another boulder before then.

AFTER: (more subtext) He wouldn’t, would he. (pause) I’ll see you Saturday, Molls, unless you decide to hit another boulder before then. I’m always available for mower repair.

The revised one implies his motive/would more. That he’s always there for Molly no matter what she needs while pointing out that Mike isn’t since he’s off at college.

2. This line didn’t imply the that night was particularly important to Jared (he was planning to propose although that is not stated until later.)

1. BEFORE: So after we’ve been planning to go to this party for a month, now you’re backing out?

2. AFTER: So after we’ve been planning for tonight for a month, you’re backing out?

The revised version shows his wound a bit better. It’s not that much better, but let’s her know it was a plan for “tonight”, not for a party.

3. LILY, a ten year old newly orphaned girl to her new guardian:

1. BEFORE: It means we’ll get to shop together and she’ll fix my hair.

2. AFTER: It means we’ll get to do everything together.

The revised version reflects Lily’s character better. By the end of the series, Lily is the farmer, not her twin brother. She’s interested in doing everything together with her guardian, not just girly things — and she probably doesn’t even think about girly things since farm kids are more likely to spend fun time with parents (male and female) doing farm related tasks than hurried shopping trips.

4. Randi is quietly chastising Cara for wanting to take her new charges back to LA.

1. BEFORE: I’m sure they’ll be asleep in no time. It’s been a long day for them, saying goodbye to their mother and father.

2. AFTER: I’m sure they’ll be asleep in no time. It’s been a long day for them, saying goodbye to their mother and father. It’s been a long day for all of us.

The revised version contains more subtext to chastise Cara that the kids just buried their parents and Cara may have lost her best friend and the man who was the love of her life, but “all of us” — meaning Randi too, lost a lot — her brother and his wife. It is an attempt to shut down Cara’s talk about LA, but doesn’t work.

5. Jared is angry that Cara is choosing the kids and farm over him. He’s pointing out how illogical it is for her to choose the farm over her LA practice.

1. BEFORE: Now, just a few days later, you’d ditch your practice for a couple of months at a time, a couple of times a year for people I’ve never even met?

2. AFTER: They you ditched me anyway. And now, just a few days later, you’d ditch your practice for a couple of months at a time, a couple of times a year for people I’ve never even met?

The revised version shows more of Jared’s wound (that Cara chooses work and now the farm, over him).

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue 7 – 8

What I learned doing this assignment is that I used these techniques a lot already and couldn’t find that many places to add them beyond what I listed below. I know I still need to ensure that every line of dialogue shows character all the way through. That’s for another pass, however.

Dialogue as Action —

BEFORE: Mindy is trying to get Cara to sign that she will be the executor of Mike and Mindy’s estate if they die before the kids are of age.

MINDY – Just sign it. Mike and I will be eternally grateful.

CARA — You’ll be eternally dead.

AFTER

MINDY – Just sign it. Mike and I will be eternally grateful.

CARA — If I’m acting as your executor, you’re eternally dead.

Subtext —

Cara has just found out Mike and Mindy are dead and Jared is there to pick her up for a New Year’s Eve party and she has refused to go. He had planned (and she was pretty sure he planned) to ask her to marry him at the party. The subtext is that she is rejecting his proposal — or he thinks she is. She has also bailed on him many times to attend to a client at work so he has moved heaven and earth to get her to clear her calendar for this party and she has sworn she will — and she did. But then got the phone call her friends died in a car accident.

BEFORE

JARED — So after we’ve been planning to go to they party for a month, now you’re backing out?

AFTER:

JARED — So after we’ve been planning for tonight for a month, you’re backing out?

Subtext —

Cara wants to return to her practice in LA rather than stay on the farm. Randi is implying that the farm is much more important than her practice — letting her know in a variety of ways.

BEFORE:

RANDI

Good farmers take care of the land, plant responsibly, use fertilizers and chemicals responsibly and do their best to maximize the return for the owner.

Cara listens, but still says nothing as Randi pauses for another sip of coffee.

RANDI

The farm is worth sixty million dollars, between the crop land, the dairy and the hog operation. That’s a lot of land, a lot of animals and a lot to manage. You can’t do that from LA if you don’t know anything about farming. You need to learn about it here.

AFTER:

RANDI

Good farmers take care of the land, plant responsibly, use fertilizers and chemicals responsibly and do their best to maximize the return for the owner. We’ve always done that.

Cara listens, but still says nothing as Randi pauses for another sip of coffee.

RANDI

Like the lawyer said, the farm is worth sixty million dollars, between the crop land, the dairy and the hog operation. That’s a lot of land, a lot of animals and a lot to manage. You can’t do that from LA if you don’t know anything about farming. You ned to learn about it here.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue 3-5

What I learned doing this assignment is that by marking where I wanted setup/payoff, anticipatory dialogue and irony before the first draft, I included them while drafting.

I ended up tweaking writing a little now and then and only found one place (in the first scene) where I added a setup line. Spent several hours going over the script looking for places I had missed, but only found that one.
I don’t have any before lines since I had included it in the draft. Wordsmithing would have been the only improvements.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Cover-ups

What I learned doing this assignment is that generating all these ideas pointed me to the one that would work best while only looking at the list had not done so.

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. She argues that she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something. He asks if it violates the restraining order and she says no.

2. Possible Responses

A. Silence — Gavin says nothing. He sneers slightly, gives a mile huff of disgust and Morgan’s satisfaction in the work she has done is abolished. She sinks back against his chest, deflated. B. Action Incongruent with words. — Gavin: I still don’t think it’s ethical. He kisses her hair and pulls her closer. <div>

C. Change subject — Gavin: Have you found a new designer for your gala dress?

D. Attack back — Gavin: Would you like it if Daniel sabotaged your gala dress without your permission?

E. Complement them — Gavin: You’re the kindest person I know.

F. Threaten them — Gavin: If you do it again without her express opinion, I’ll have to let the police know. if it works as you say, it’s definitely unethical.

G. Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not — Gavin: I’m sure it did her some good.

H. Misdirection — Gavin: You’re working so hard on this. I hope you’re working as hard on your dress for the gala.

I. Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event — Gavin: You’re such a good girl. He jiggles her in his arms with a quick series of hugs, a big grin on his face.

J. Distraction — Gavin kisses her passionately.

K. Make a joke of it — Gavin: Well, I guess dinging finger cymbals at him from a distance wouldn’t be considered a crime.

L. Continue the conversation as if nothing happened — Gavin: You might be right there. I wonder how they’re doing.

3. The response I like best gives us more subtext about their relationship. I choose K — Make a joke of it. Her response to that is to leave the room saying she’s tired.

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

MORGAN leaves her desk, pours herself a glass of wine and sits on the sofa.

GAVIN, Morgan’s husband, wealthy, cool (not hot or cold), more than ten years older than her, very good looking and a successful writer watches her with lust, satisfaction and amusement as she draws closer to the sofa. He rises, drink in hand, and joins her on the sofa. He puts his arm around her and she kisses him on the neck as she sinks into him.

GAVIN

What have you been busy with all night? Learning to play the finger cymbals?

MORGAN

No, silly. I’ve been doing the Waterman Technique to help Daniel’s wife. He hits her, you know.

GAVIN

You should leave it to the police. In fact, the restraining order says you have to leave it to the police.

Gavin tweaks her hair and she rises to look at him full on.

MORGAN

They’re not going to do anything to help Amber. Besides, with Waterman, I can help her from here.

GAVIN

Did she ask you to do it?

MORGAN

No, of course not and you know it.

GAVIN

I know the restraining order forbids you from contacting her. You’re working your mumbo jumbo on her from a distance? You don’t think that violates the restraining order?

MORGAN

The order prohibits me from talking to her or visiting her, not thinking about her.

GAVIN

Well, I guess clanging finger cymbals in her direction from a distance probably isn’t a crime.

Morgan’s face changes to amusement and then hardens a bit.

MORGAN

I’m going to read for a while in our room.

She picks up her wine and leaves the room. Gavin watches her go with a look between concern, pity and annoyance.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Symbol

What I learned doing this assignment is that once you dream up a symbol, it’s pretty easy to find ways to use it at important times. It’s particularly useful when an abstract empowerment technique is being used. 🙂 It was quick and easy to introduce this symbol in an early scene, a scene where it is first used and a critical scene in the climax.

!. Introduce the Symbol — In the second scene of the script, the Waterman Instructor uses finger cymbals to signal the end of a Waterman Technique session.

2. Set Its Meaning Powerfully — He says it is a sign to the universe that what has been programmed into the universe’s set of instructions is now to be executed. It means that what the practitioner has asked for will now manifest in reality. He taps his cymbals together and the students snicker a little, but play with their own set of cymbals in little velvet bags in front of them, pondering.

3. Use the Symbol to Cause or Show Change — Around 1/3 of the way through the screenplay, Morgan uses the Waterman Technique to “help” Amber — to strengthen her against her abusive husband. After doing the technique, Morgan rings the finger cymbals to signal the universe to “make it so”. Her husband hears it and chides her, saying it is childish — the way he always thinks of her. She hears it and feels she has really done something to help Amber. In the crisis scene where Amber kills her husband, she accidentally taps a glass when she drugs Daniel in preparation for killing him. We hear the same sound as that of the finger cymbals, signaling to the viewer that Amber has been empowered by Morgan’s use of the Waterman Technique.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Subtext Scene

What I learned from this assignment is writing an outline and letting it steep before writing makes it quick and easy to write.

1. BACKGROUND: Needed background: Daniel has intimidated and beaten his wife, Amber, in the past. She asked Morgan, a client of Daniel’s, for help and Morgan called the police. Daniel was arrested but released when Amber refused to testify. Daniel did, however, get a restraining order to prevent Morgan from contacting or helping Amber in the future. He has now returned home, triumphant that he has paid back Morgan for her interference, but furious with Amber that he had to do so because it is bad publicity and Morgan was one of his regular clients and a good source of income.

2. Basic subtext questions:

Meaning of the Subtext — Amber screwed up big time by trying to get help. She will pay.
The Coverup — Amber is meek and submissive in the face of Daniel’s abuse
When will the meaning be revealed: At the Crisis when, to protect her kids, she kills Daniel in fairly cold blood.
How will the meaning be revealed? Her cold, steely way of killing him will show how strong she has gotten.

3. Scene Design: Misinterpretation — Daniel takes her submissive behavior as a sign he has dominated. Amber is just plotting her escape and doing what she needs to do now to protect her kids.

SCENE

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel enters the house ranting in triumph that Morgan won’t be able to help Amber again.

DANIEL

That bitch will not be sticking her fucking nose in here again.

Amber scurries into the dining room from the kitchen, carrying her youngest. She is followed by her older child.

DANIEL

Your little trophy wife bitch friend has a restraining order against her. No more interference from her.

His shouting and violent delivery make the OLDER CHILD cry.

Daniel grabs him by the shoulder and smacks his bottom with the flat of his hand.

DANIEL

Shut the fuck up. I’m trying to carry on a conversation here.

Amber quickly puts the little one down on the floor and steps between Daniel and the older child, diverting his attention and anger.

AMBER

You got a restraining order against Morgan?

She gives him a peck on the cheek, sliding her hand down his arm and slipping around him toward the den, leading him to follow her.

AMBER

Let me fix you a drink.

(slight edge)

I want to hear what you’ve done.

Daniel grabs her arm and slaps her face.

DANIEL

I’ll tell you what I’ve done.

His grasp pinches her arm until it hurts.

DANIEL

I’ve burned her damn book, made the police understand that she’s a threat to my family and humiliated her publicly like she did to me.

He pulls Amber closer to him and then pushes her sharply away causing her to fall on her bottom and slide on the slippery hall floor.

The kids continue to cry and Daniel loses control more. Amber can see him turning to the kids again and thinks quick.

AMBER

(stonily)

I asked her for help.

She moves quickly to the den, knowing that Daniel will follow, but luring him away from the still crying kids. He follows and mocks her.

DANIEL

Well you won’t be able to ‘ask for help’ again. I’m taking your keys and your phone. No more ‘running away to a shelter’ or ‘phoning a friend’.

Amber works her way around to the door as Daniel stalks her around the furniture in the den. She shuts the den door before the kids can follow them.

Daniel catches up and slaps her face with the back of his hand. She staggers.

DANIEL

You’re a disgrace. You whine and snivel and act like you’re such a victim. We both know you’re not.

Amber whimpers and turns away from Daniel, a look of steel crossing her face, but her voice pleading when she speaks again.

AMBER

What about shopping? For the kids or for groceries.

Daniel begins feeling more powerful, superior. He mocks her.

DANIEL

I’ll see to that. Leave me a list and I’ll take care of it. We can’t have you running around on your own.

DANIEL

You and I both know you can’t be trusted anymore.

Amber, a look of piteous defeat pasted on her face, turns back to Daniel.

AMBER

I’m sorry.

(beat)

I’m sorry, Daniel.

Head down, she runs to him as he seems to expect. She throws her arms around him, sobbing. He puts his arms around her, holding her very tightly.

Amber sighs in relief.

[Janeen Johnson]

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan’s Waterman instructor tells her that she cannot use Waterman to harm anyone or it will come back on her. She can, from a distance, empower an abused wife to have the strength she needs To escape from her abuser and Morgan straightens a bit.

MORGAN approaches her Waterman Instructor, TANNER, after class as he’s gathering his materials to leave the room. SIERRA joins the conversation.

MORGAN

In the lecture today, you said that Waterman could be used to fight injustice and right wrongs.

SIERRA

(eagerly)

That’s what I’m interested in too.

Tanner gives them a sly glance as he stows items in his book bag.

TANNER

Fighting injustice and getting revenge are two very different things.

SIERRA

But you said righting wrongs.

Tanner rattles off the Waterman standard line with gusto.

TANNER

I meant getting good things for people who have been wronged — to make them whole.

MORGAN

Like getting justice for women who have been abused. Perhaps having their husbands get arrested or have an accident. You know, something bad happen to them as a means of justice.

Tanner steps back in consternation, almost fright.

TANNER

No, absolutely not. Waterman cannot be used to make bad things happen to others. The bad things bounce back to the practitioner. It simply doesn’t work.

SIERRA

(disappointed)

Then how can you fight injustice if nobody gets punished?

Tanner sets his bag down and goes back into simpering professor mode.

TANNER

Give me an example of what you mean.

SIERRA

My boyfriend dumped me. I want him to get dumped.

TANNER

That would not be a suitable use of the Waterman technique. Helping yourself to find true love and letting go of your pain from past relationships would be a perfect use of the technique.

Sierra warms to the idea.

SIERRA

Success is the best revenge, huh?

Tanner goes back to packing up his things.

TANNER

I don’t like the word revenge.

Seeing Sierra about to rejoin, Morgan intervenes.

MORGAN

A friend of mine runs a women’s shelter. She says many women go back to their abusive husbands. How could Waterman help them?

Tanner gets excited at the idea of selling more classes.

TANNER

This class would be wonderful for them. Waterman can help them strengthen themselves and find the courage to escape their bad situations. Solve their problems. Ask your friend at the shelter to recommend her, um, clients study and use the Waterman Technique. This would be an excellent class for them.

Morgan throws cold water on the idea.

MORGAN

Abused women aren’t likely to have the money or the ability to come to

MORGAN

an eight week class. They’re often prisoners in their own homes.

Tanner is disappointed, eager to escape.

TANNER

I see. Well, ladies, I have a few errands to run before my next class.

SIERRA

I’m totally going to make all her hair to fall out.

MORGAN

Who’s hair?

SIERRA

Jason’t new hag, Melody. Even that name sounds like someone who deserves punishment.

Morgan is astounded.

MORGAN

He just said you can’t use Waterman for that. What if your hair falls out instead?

SIERRA

Oh. There has to be a way…

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Subtext Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that actually writing the statement implied by my character traits and subtext character traits makes it much easier to flavor each character’s speech and actions with their subtext. Putting it into words solidified it in my thinking.

Morgan Day <div>

A. Subtext Identity: Trophy Wife with Mind Control Power

B. Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure

C. Subtext Logline: Morgan is a wealthy trophy wife who uses mind control techniques to satisfy her need to prove she is more than arm candy.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

A. Subtext Identity: Obsequious Fashion Designer Who Craves Control

B. Character Traits:

Temperamental artist; Insecure; Incredibly good designer; Perfectionist

C. Subtext Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who vents his frustration with his clients on his submissive wife.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

A. Subtext Identity: Abused Wife and Protective Mother

B. Character Traits:

Loving; Gentle; Long-suffering; Fiercely protective of her kids

C. Subtext Logline: Amber is beaten down and defeated but will kill to protect her children.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

Gavin Day

A. Subtext Identity: Fabulously Successful and Lonely Writer

B. Character Traits: Cool (not cold or warm); Lonely; Domineering; Proud

C. Subtext Logline: Gavin vacillates between believing his wife loves him and that she only loves his money; between indulging her and dominating her.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Walks a fine line between dominating his wife and wanting her confidence and affection. Would be devastated if she left him because she is his best/only friend who actually understands how hard he works.

Bridget (Shelter Operator)

A. Subtext Identity: Mother Hen Drill Sergeant </div><div>

B. Character Traits

Down to Earth: Rigid; Wary; Older so automatically wiser

C. Subtext Logline: Bridget is a mother hen who using believes strict discipline and mandates may save her chicks.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Assumes she knows better than the other book club members what Amber and other abused women need. Feels she understands life better than any other member of the club. Is inflexible about what tactics abused women should use to escape to a better life.

Cinda (Cop)

A. Subtext Identity: Protective Mediating Warrior Cop

B. Character Traits: Tough; Practical; Mediator; Savvy

C. Subtext Logline: Cinda fiercely enforces the law through nonviolent methods and wants women to insist on justice for themselves.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Senses that women who care so much about abused women are probably abused in some way themselves. Fights for her law enforcement brothers to believe abused women and protect them from abusers.

G. Rhonda (ER Nurse)

A. Subtext Identity: Cranky Nurturing ER Nurse

B. Character Traits: Pragmatic; War-weary; Caring; Domineering

C. Subtext Logline: Rhonda is tired of seeing abused women return to their abusers and angry they don’t help themselves more.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Wants to protect Morgan, but believes there is something more to Morgan’s passion for her mission and her reliance on something akin to “magic” to help herself and others.

Emily (Lawyer)

A. Subtext Identity: Bandwagon-Joining Crusader for Justice

B. Character Traits: Rigid; Pedantic; Smug/Insecure; Benevalent

C. Subtext Logline: Emily doesn’t know how to start a pro-justice movement, but tries to dictate how each one she joins should be run.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Emily doesn’t start movements due to her insecurity, but when one is underway, she likes to dictate how everything should be done which doesn’t always set well with other

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Great Subtext Scene

What I learned from this scene is that a difference between the congruity of what is said and what is done equals subtext. What is conveyed by those incongruities can be anything you’d like.

Cut to William working. He looks up casually. And sees

something. His reaction is hard to read. After a pause…

WILLIAM

Can I help you?

It is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world — here —

in his shop. The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.

When she speaks she is very self-assured and self-contained.

ANNA

No, thanks. I’ll just look around.

WILLIAM

Fine.

She wanders over to a shelf as he watches her — and picks out a

quite smart coffee table book.

WILLIAM

That book’s really not good — just

in case, you know, browsing turned to

buying. You’d be wasting your money.

NOTE: He’s not really denigrating his own books, he’s trying desperately to make conversation — to get to know her.

ANNA

Really?

WILLIAM

Yes. This one though is… very

good.

He picks up a book on the counter.

NOTE: Willam’s banter is another attempt to entertain/impress her.

WILLIAM

I think the man who wrote it has

actually been to Turkey, which helps.

There’s also a very amusing incident

with a kebab.

ANNA

Thanks. I’ll think about it.

NOTE: Anna is flirting back.

William suddenly spies something odd on the small TV monitor

beside him.

WILLIAM

If you could just give me a second.

Her eyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shop and

approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes.

NOTE: Anna is interested or she wouldn’t be watching him move to the back of the store.

WILLIAM

Excuse me.

THIEF

Yes

WILLIAM

Bad news.

THIEF

What?

WILLIAM

We’ve got a security camera in this bit of the shop.

THIEF

So?

WILLIAM

So, I saw you put that book down your trousers.

THIEF

I haven’t got a book down my trousers.

NOTE: The verbal lie contrasts sharply with his guilty look and knowledge that he got caught shoplifting

WILLIAM

Right — well, then we have something

of an impasse. I tell you what —

I’ll call the police — and, what can

I say? — If I’m wrong about the whole

book-down-the-trousers scenario, I

really apologize.

NOTE: William threatens.

THIEF

Okay — what if I did have a book down

my trousers?

NOTE: The thief asks for a deal.

WILLIAM

Well, ideally, when I went back to

the desk, you’d remove the Cadogan

guide to Bali from your trousers, and

either wipe it and put it back, or

buy it. See you in a sec.

NOTE: His knowledge of exactly which book was stolen seals the deal — the guy has been caught dead to rights.

He returns to his desk.

In the monitor we just glimpse, as does

William, the book coming out of the trousers and put back on the

shelves. The thief drifts out towards the door. Anna, who has

observed all this, is looking at a blue book on the counter.

NOTE: Anna has seen how skillful he is with the thief. It is impressive.

WILLIAM

Sorry about that…

ANNA

No, that’s fine. I was going to

steal one myself but now I’ve changed

my mind. Signed by the author, I see.

NOTE: Anna is flirting back.

WILLIAM

Yes, we couldn’t stop him. If you

can find an unsigned copy, it’s

worth an absolute fortune.

NOTE: More humor to impress the star.

She smiles. Suddenly the thief is there.

THIEF

Excuse me.

ANNA

Yes.

THIEF

Can I have your autograph?

ANNA

What’s your name?

THIEF

Rufus.

She signs his scruffy piece of paper. He tries to read it.

THIEF

What does it say?

ANNA

Well, that’s the signature — and

above, it says ‘Dear Rufus — you

belong in jail.’

THIEF

Nice one. Would you like my phone

number?

ANNA

Tempting but… no, thank you.

Thief leaves.

ANNA

I think I will try this one.

She hands William a ?20 note and the book he said was rubbish.

He talks as he handles the transaction.

WILLIAM

Oh — right — on second thoughts

maybe it wasn’t that bad. Actually

— it’s a sort of masterpiece really.

None of those childish kebab

stories you get in so many travel

books these days. And I’ll throw in

one of these for free.

He drops in one of the signed books.

WILLIAM

Very useful for lighting fires,

wrapping fish, that sort of things.

NOTE: More humor retracting his earlier condemnation of the book and complimenting her choice while also apologizing with the free book.

She looks at him with a slight smile.

ANNA

Thanks.

NOTE: She’s impressed with how little fuss he made over her while clearly knowing who she was. She made him feel like a person, not a star, all while flirting outrageously with her.

And leaves. She’s out of his life forever. William is a little

dazed. Seconds later Martin comes back in.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue 1 & 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to make a fresh copy of my script for each lesson. I made changes in a bunch of passes in the same copy so I don’t have a “before/After” of my Attack/Counterattack dialogue although I made a number of changes throughout the script to make sure each conversation had it.

As I’ve gone through the script (at least 6 times in the rewrite lessons), I’ve had the sheet with my characters’ traits available all of the time to refer to. I think their voices are much clearer than if I hadn’t been focusing on traits. I probably have more work to do with that in future drafts.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Completed P/S Grid #2

What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes a lot longer than most lessons to look at all of the things in the Grid and make the required changes.

I had a lot of talking heads and didn’t convey emotions well in a number of places so they took a while.

I found a couple of continuity problems just in reading it through so many times.

I had some repetition that seemed amplified by the multiple readings so I took those out.

While I’d had a lot of the Grid 2 items listed for a scene, not all of them made it into the scene. I will need to read what I intended (my detailed outline for each scene) and what landed in each scene at some point to make sure the emotions, etc. all made it into the script.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Page Turner!

What I learned doing this assignment is that only when I’ve imagined a scene can I write it. I need to work more on making that imagining happen on demand — empowerment, not patience or time.

CHARACTERS:

Morgan Day

Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure.

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Bridget (Shelter Operator)

Basic Character Traits: Down to Earth; Rigid; Wary; Older so automatically wiser.

Subtext Character Traits: Pompous, Motherly

Logline: Bridget runs a shelter because she knows how to help women be more independent. Her biggest problem is knowing what help abused women really need, but not being able to provide it.

Possible areas of subtext: Assumes she knows better than the other book club members what Amber and other abused women need. Feels she understands life better than any other member of the club.

Cinda (Cop)

Basic Character Traits: Tough; Practical; Mediator; Savvy.

Subtext Character Traits: Caring, Protective

Logline: Cinda wants to stop abuse and see justice done for the abused. She is not optimistic, but she is persistent.

Possible areas of subtext: Senses that women who care so much about abused women are probably abused in some way themselves.

Rhonda (ER Nurse)

Basic Character Traits: Pragmatic: War-weary; Caring; Domineering.

Subtext Character Traits: Motherly, Irritable

Logline: Rhonda is used to seeing abused women return to their abusers and feels powerless to truly help them.

Possible areas of subtext: Wants to protect Morgan, but believes there is something more to Morgan’s passion for her mission and her reliance on something akin to “magic” to help herself and others.

Emily (Lawyer)

Basic Character Traits: Rigid; Pedantic; Smug; Benevalent

Subtext Character Traits: Insecure, Dictatorial

Logline: Emily wants to see abusers prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law although she knows it’s an uphill climb.

Possible areas of subtext: Emily doesn’t start movements due to her insecurity, but when one is underway, she likes to dictate how everything should be done which doesn’t always set well with others.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

MORGAN, CINDA, RHONDA, EMILY and BRIDGET are working on different projects than last time or are farther along with their projects.

CINDA

(with disgust)

Morgan’s fancy pants designer got off. No charges. His wife wouldn’t testify and since no one actually saw him hitting his her, they couldn’t prove she didn’t fall down and hurt herself.

Rhonda is still in her scrubs and speaks with authority.

RHONDA

It’s my experience that when women are falling a lot, they’re being abused.

Bridget nods in disgust.

BRIDGET

There are a lot of ‘clumsy’ women in my shelter.

CINDA

(gently)

Morgan, word is that the wife beater got a restraining order against you. It that true?

Morgan is mortified.

MORGAN

It is.

EMILY

(surprised)

You’re the one who called the cops on him?

MORGAN

Amber, his wife, gave me the “need help” sign, you know —

She makes the sign: hand up, thumb across palm, then fold the fingers over.

MORGAN

So I called. What else was I supposed to do?

Cinda seems to be correcting Morgan.

CINDA

He got the restraining order because you were trying to get his wife to leave him.

MORGAN

That’s not true. I gave her a Waterman book in hopes she would find the strength to leave him. I never talked to her about it, let alone, encouraged her. But that doesn’t matter, apparently. They believed whatever Daniel said and didn’t believe what Amber and I said.

Cinda holds up her workpiece, inspecting it for flaws or errors.

CINDA

(pragmatically)

Amber said she fell. They did believe her.

Bridget stops working to look Morgan in the eye.

BRIDGET

(with pity)

And you did talk to her in my shelter.

Emily lowers her work to her lap, the voice of reason.

EMILY

So what does the restraining order say?

Morgan fidgets with her work, looks down at it.

MORGAN

(quietly)

That I can’t have any communication with Amber or Daniel and have to stay 500 ft away from Daniel’s home and studio.

Rhonda and Bridget let out a low whistle. Morgan looks them in the eye.

MORGAN

It’s embarrassing, but Amber still needs help. I wish I could do something to help her get away from him.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Writing is Bold!

What I learned doing this assignment is that attitude changes the whole scene and definitely changes the description. A very useful technique to provide the director/reader with the emotion the writer wants to convey with a scene.

ORIGINAL SCENE:

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

AMBER sits in an interrogation room with her kids draped across her lap sound asleep. POLICE 2 and Daniel’s LAWYER enter the room quietly and stand near the door. Police 2 is large and threatening. Daniel’s lawyer sits quietly at the table across from Amber and leans across to speak quietly to her. Amber shrinks back, but can’t move much or she’ll wake the kids.

LAWYER

Your husband says Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. Did she?

Amber considers, her eyes darting everywhere, but not changing her position so as not to wake the kids.

AMBER

She did.

Lawyer looks at Police 2 who gives a slight nod and the two quietly leave the room.

EMOTION A — PITY for AMBER

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

AMBER, kids asleep and draped over her lap, tries to stretch her legs without waking them.

She starts when POLICE 2 fills the room and looks away in shame when Richard’s LAWYER follows him in.

LAWYER quietly sits at the table across from her, cocking his head to look at her, a simper on his lips.

LAWYER

Mrs. Richards, your husband says that Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. Did she accost you?

Amber starts to reply, stops immediately when her eyes meet Lawyer’s dead gaze. Her eyes travel to his smirk. She shifts uncomfortably, looking away.

Lawyer clears his throat, expecting an answer.

AMBER

(mumbling)

Yes. She did.

Triumph replaces the smirk and Lawyer stands, turning to Police 2, who shakes his head, opens the door and escorts Lawyer out.

Amber hugs her children closer, tears pooling in her eyes and running down her cheeks.

EMOTION B — DISDAIN for AMBER

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

AMBER, rumpled, haphazardly balances the kids in her lap as they sleep and she sprawls in her chair.

She straightens, pushing her hair back, trying to look respectable when POLICE 2 enters the interrogation room, closely followed by Richard’s attorney.

The attorney slips quietly into the chair on the opposite side of the table.

LAWYER

Mrs. Richards – Amber – your husband says that Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. All I need is for you to tell me if that’s true or not.

Amber’s blank stare meets Lawyer’s gaze.

AMBER

(flatly)

It’s true.

Lawyer looks up at Police 2 who rolls his eyes and nods, opening the door for Lawyer to exit.

Amber sighs and sprawls a little more, closing her eyes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Extreme Emotion!

What I learned doing this assignment is that succinct subtext gives more life and emotion to a fact-delivery scene.

CHARACTERS:

CINDA

Basic Character Traits: Tough, Practical, Mediator, Savvy

Subtext Character Traits: Caring, Protective

Logine: Cinda wants to stop abuse and see just done done for the abused. She is not optimistic, but she’s persistent.

Subtext: Senses that women who care so much about abused women have probably experienced some kind of abuse themselves.

ROD

Basic Character Traits: Pragmatic, Dogged, Strong, Bravado

Subtext Character Traits: Reliant, Follower

Logline: Loyal cop who upholds the law and his partner at work and at home.

Subtext: Knows women get a bad deal most of the time and follow strong ones to try to right that.

SCENE

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Before the preshift briefing, cops gather, coffee in hand, comfortably chatting.

ROD, Cinda’s patrol partner, follows CINDA into the room. Cinda always drives and he’s fine with that.

Cinda scans the room, homing in on POLICE 1 and POLICE 2. Rod automatically follows her when she heads for them.

CINDA

Hey, fellas. I heard a rumor that a fancy dress designer got arrested last night. True?

Police 1 and Police 2 glance at each other and chuckle.

POLICE 1

Some bitch with an ax to grind with that Richards guy —

POLICE 2

He says she’s hot for him.

POLICE 1

Yeah, imagine that.

They laugh. Cinda, eyebrows raised, amused but impatient, checks their laughter.

POLICE 1

She calls 9-1-1, says Richards is abusing his wife. We get there and the wife’s got bruises, the guy denies it, but we have to bring him in, right?

CINDA

Right.

Still impatient.

POLICE 1

I take him out to the car and this chick rolls in in a fancy car and starts ripping him a new one. He tells us she’s obsessed with him and we have to threaten to arrest her too so we can get rid of her and bring this guy in.

Cinda cocks her head, incredulous.

POLICE 2

Meanwhile, I’m talking to the wife, the kids are crying and clinging to her like baby monkeys because a man’s in the room and she says nothing’s wrong.

Rod heaves a sigh, hands on hips.

POLICE 1

We take Richards and his family in for statements after we get rid of the bitch and the wife refuses to press charges.

POLICE 2

Says everything’s fine, she’s just clumsy.

Cinda can’t contain herself.

CINDA

You know that’s a crock, right?

POLICE 2

Sure, but what are we supposed to do? She won’t press charges so she won’t testify against him if we do.

ROD

Was he there when you were asking her.

POLICE 1

He was out of earshot, but still on the scene, yeah.

ROD

She’s not going to press charges if the guy that beat her up is giving her the evil eye.

The police captain steps to the front of the room.

Police 1 and Police 2 and wave off Cinda and Rod and take their seats.

POLICE 1

(disgusted)

It was a bullshit call.

Cinda and Rod take their seats, but give the others the evil eye while muttering.

CINDA

That woman’s going to end up dead with cops like them.

ROD

I know.

Rod taps her arm and grins.

ROD

Hey, dispatch should have you respond to all domestic violence calls.

She gives him a critical look.

CINDA

Damn straight.

They both guffaw as the captain begins the briefing.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Visuals

What I learned is it only takes a minute to make description more interesting and more on point.

Part 1: From Notting Hill:

Exquisite footage of Anna Scott; an ideal; the perfect star and woman; her life filled with glamour and sophistication and mystery.

carrying a load of bread; It is spring.

It’s a full fruit market day.

A man in denims exits the tattoo studio.

The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.

picks out a quite smart coffee table book.

approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes

Part 2:

1. OLD – Morgan follows, stopping just outside the gates.

NEW – Morgan’s car creeps as far as the villa’s gates.

2. OLD – Each member is employed in a fiber art such as spinning (electric or other treadle wheel), weaving on a portable loom, knitting, crocheting, embroidery, etc.

NEW – Each guild member is surrounded by the paraphernalia and detritus other craft as they turn fiber into fantastic items

3. OLD – BRIDGET is middle-aged, always moving and sure she knows best. She operates the local women’s shelter and does a lot of charity knitting and crocheting to help her clients.

NEW – BRIDGET, middle-aged, in perpetual motion and confident she has superior knowledge about everything, knits and crochets practical items for the families in the women’s shelter she operates.

4. OLD – MORGAN enters and settles into a vacant spot, taking out her current project while spilling her version of why she’s late.

NEW – MORGAN slinks to a chair in the circle of crafters, whipping out her project and spilling out excuses for her tardiness.

5. OLD – She has her project out and begins working on it. Cinda looks pointedly at Morgan.

NEW – Morgan’s fingers fly, her eyes riveted on her work. Cinda’s stare bores a hole in her.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Hope/Fear in Action

What I learned doing this assignment is that hope and fear become a rhythmic oscillation in the scene that propels it to the ending.

CHARACTERS:

Daniel’s my villain, but without hope/fear, he’s 1 dimensional, so here he is:

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist; Insecure; Incredibly good designer; Perfectionist <div>

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

SCENE from OUTLINE:

Daniel was arrested for spousal abuse, but the client (heroine) who called the cops got into a verbal fight with him and he is now hoping to use that to help him get out of the abuse charge.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel decides to capitalize on what the cops witnessed when Morgan lit into him. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with him and ask for the restraining order he wants against Morgan.

SCENE OUTLINE:

FEAR: Daniel is brought into the police station in cuffs and is about to be formally charged. Daniel repeats his false claim that Morgan (heroine) is a spurned lover. He would never hurt his wife, just ask her.

HOPE: A policeman enters and says his wife refuses to testify. Says there is no problem. They uncuff him and say he is a free man. Daniel, angry and humiliated decides to turn the tables. He asks his lawyer if he can get a restraining order against Morgan since she is obsessed with him and he doesn’t want his family frightened again by the police.

FEAR: His lawyer tells him it would be highly unusual since there is no history.

HOPE: Daniel says she insisted on coming to his home for a fitting even though clients normally come to his studio. The police heard her. She is trying to get his wife to leave him. The lawyer checks and the police and Amber agree — Amber out of fear.

FEAR: So his lawyer decides Morgan is unstable and will lobby for a restraining order, although he thinks it is not likely on a first try.

HOPE/TRIUMPH: The lawyer pulls strings and the restraining order is issued against Morgan.

SCENE

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

FEAR: Daniel is brought into the police station in cuffs and is waiting to be formally charged. Daniel repeats his false claim that Morgan (heroine) is a spurned lover. He would never hurt his wife, just ask her.

DANIEL is in cuffs and brought into an interrogation room by POLICE 1.

DANIEL

This is wrong and you know it. That bitch is mad because I won’t leave my wife for her. I love my wife. I love my kids. I would never leave them.

Without a word, Police 1 leaves the room.

Indicate an hour has passed, Daniel’s LAWYER and been in the cell and left again.

POLICE 2 enters the room and speaks as he uncuffs Daniel.

POLICE 2

Your wife has refused to testify. She agreed that you’re a good husband.

Daniel smiles in contempt.

POLICE 2

And so you’re a free man.

Daniel leaves the cell and his lawyer is in the hallway.

DANIEL

I want a restraining order against that bitch! She’s been in my home, my studio, stalked my wife — I want a restraining order so she can’t come near me or my family again.

His lawyer exchanges a glance with Police 2 who shrugs.

LAWYER

I’ll see what I can do, but it would be highly unusual since there is no police history of any of this.

HOPE: A policeman enters and says his wife refuses to testify. Says there is no problem. They uncuff him and say he is a free man. Daniel, angry and humiliated decides to turn the tables. He asks his lawyer if he can get a restraining order against Morgan since she is obsessed with him and he doesn’t want his family frightened again by the police.

FEAR: His lawyer tells him it would be highly unusual since there is no history.

DANIEL

She insisted on coming to my home for the fitting tonight even though, like everyone else, she’s alway come to the studio where I have assistants as witnesses before. She’s escalating.

DANIEL

She confronted my family at a women’s shelter where my wife was donating some of my kids’ clothes. Ask Amber. She’ll tell you.

Daniel’s lawyer nods to Daniel and looks questioningly at Police 1.

POLICE 1

She’s in an interrogation room down the hall.

DANIEL

I’ll go talk to her

Daniel’s lawyer steps in front of him to stop him.

LAWYER

I’ll talk to her. Wait here.

His lawyer indicates the interrogation room and Police 1 nods.

HOPE: Daniel says she insisted on coming to his home for a fitting even though clients normally come to his studio. The police heard her. She is trying to get his wife to leave him. The lawyer checks and the police and Amber agree — Amber out of fear.

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

AMBER sits in an interrogation room with her kids draped across her lap sound asleep. POLICE 1 and Daniel’s LAWYER enter the room quietly and stand near the door. Police 1 is large and threatening. Daniel’s lawyer sits quietly at the table across from Amber and leans across to speak quietly to her. Amber shrinks back, but can’t move much or she’ll wake the kids..

LAWYER

Your husband says Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. Did she?

Amber considers, her eyes darting everywhere, but not changing her position so as not to wake the kids.

AMBER

She did.

Lawyer looks at Police 1 who gives a slight nod and the two quietly leave the room.

FEAR: So his lawyer decides Morgan is unstable and will lobby for a restraining order, although he thinks it is not likely on a first try.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel’s LAWYER steps into the interrogation room where DANIEL is waiting, pacing, sipping coffee, agitated.

LAWYER

I’ve pulled some strings and got the restraining order issued.

LAWYER

It’s being served now. You and your family can go home. We’ll post surveillance around your place until morning, but I don’t think you’ll have any more problems with Ms. Day.

HOPE/TRIUMPH: The lawyer pulls strings and the restraining order is issued against Morgan.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Completed P/S Grid #1

What I learned doing this assignment is to focus on the task at hand. I deliberately didn’t worry about the quality of the dialogue and how much personality it contained (or didn’t contain) as I know we’ll fix that later. I had spent a lot of time plotting, motivating and adding mystery and intrigue to the outline and I think that came through in the draft.

I had a lack of subtext in many areas as I wrote dialogue and pictured the action, but didn’t write it. I went back to add it in 12 scenes.

My teaser works well for 2 characters, but not as well for the 3rd. I need to pump up her introduction and haven’t decided how to do so yet. I was getting stalled on it, so just left a note for myself and moved on.

There are a few setups I missed that I’ve added as well.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Hooks

What I learned doing this lesson is

Character:

Morgan Day

Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

SCENE

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – LATER

The Fiber Guild meeting is underway. Each member is employed in a fiber art such as spinning (electric or other treadle wheel), weaving on a portable loom, knitting, crocheting, embroidery, etc.

BRIDGET is middle-aged, always moving and sure she knows best. She operates the local women’s shelter and does a lot of charity knitting and crocheting to help her clients.

CINDA has been on the police force for ten years. She’s tough and mediates in most situations rather than fighting. She is savvy and practical in her work and makes a lot of hats and socks for the homeless.

EMILY is a family law lawyer, seasoned and pragmatic for her clients, but often waxes pedantic, smug in her knowledge of how the courts are likely to decide a case. She usually tempers her clients’ expectations. Her fiber projects are done for stress relief and she often foists the finished products on her relatives.

RHONDA, an ER nurse is both caring and domineering. She knows what her patients should be doing, but also knows what they are likely to do instead which has left her war weary and irritable. Her projects are generally utilitarian and for family members.

MORGAN enters and settles into a vacant spot, taking out her current project while spilling her version of why she’s late.

BRIDGET

You’re late.

MORGAN

I have it on good authority that Daniel Richards, my designer, has been arrested.

CINDA

What for?

MORGAN

Not important. He’s going to rot in jail and I won’t have anything to wear to the gala where Gavin’s being honored and he’s not going to like it if I wear some nobody’s dress.

CINDA

Your designer’s been arrested and all you care about is the dress he was making for you?

MORGAN

If he’s a criminal he should be in jail. And if he’s in jail, I have to find a new dress. Do any of you know of — never mind. I’ll find one.

She has her project out and begins working on it. Cinda looks pointedly at Morgan.

CINDA

Now that we’re all here,

She turns to Rhonda.

CINDA

What’s everyone working on tonight?

RHONDA

I’m making a new hat for my youngest.

She holds up the partially made hat.

EMILY

He lost the one you made last month?

RHONDA

He’s always losing something.

CINDA

I think he’s selling them. He’s probably set up a black market for your great hats at his school.

Everyone laughs and Morgan relaxes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Suspense

What I learned doing this assignment is

Characters:

Morgan Day <div>

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist; Insecure; Incredibly good designer; Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving; Gentle; Long-suffering; Fiercely protective of her kids;

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive

Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

The Promise: Daniel will be charged with abuse or Amber will be abused worse for having asked for help or — partway through the scene — that something bad will happen to Morgan for getting involved.

What matters: Keeping Amber safe

The delay: Statements must be taken, lies must be (hopefully) sorted out, and Amber must get away from Daniel, not be frightened into returning to him.

SCENE

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

The police bring DANIEL out of the house in handcuffs. AMBER and her toddlers creep out after him and huddle against the wall.

The police are stoic. One of them gets in the car and types up a report while the other waits outside with Daniel.

DANIEL

Amber, I know this is just a mistake. I’ll be fine. I’ll be back as soon as my lawyer clears this up. I love you. Tell the kids I love them when you put them to bed tonight.

Amber shrinks into the wall a little more, tears streaming down her cheeks as Daniel goes on.

DANIEL

I’ve always loved you and I’d never hurt you. You know that.

EXT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

MORGAN checks the time.

MORGAN

Ten minutes. What the hell is taking so long?

She starts her car again and puts it in gear.

MORGAN

Be strong, Amber.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Morgan’s car whips into the drive and pulls up next to the police car. Morgan unlatches her seatbelt and jumps out of the car.

Daniel pulls himself as ramrod straight as he can while in cuffs when he sees Morgan.

DANIEL

You! I should have known it would be you.

POLICE 1

You know this woman?

DANIEL

She’s a spurned lover. She’ll do anything to break up Amber and I. She’s been accosting my wife everywhere she goes, telling her to give me up so she can have me. The woman is insane. Tell him, Amber.

AMBER cringes against the house holding her kids even closer, looking wildly at Morgan and then Daniel, but saying nothing.

POLICE 1

Ma’am, are you the person that called the police?

MORGAN

Of course I did. Amber asked me to.

Amber shakes visibly as she cowers further from Daniel.

DANIEL

You should arrest her. Amber will tell you that we’ve argued, but I’d never hurt her or the kids. This woman is a client of mine and she’s gotten it into her head that she can break up my wife and I and have me all to herself.

Morgan gets up in Daniel’s face.

MORGAN

Don’t believe this monster. She still has bruises from the last time he beat her.

Pointing to Amber.

MORGAN

She asked for my help.

DANIEL

Keep her away from me.

The policeman in the car gets out and takes Morgan’s arm, escorting her back to her car.

POLICE 2

I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to remain in your car. We’ll take your statement as soon as we’re done processing Mr. Richards.

Police 1 puts Daniel in the back of the squad car and shuts the door.

Police 2 leans down to talk to Morgan.

POLICE 2

Do you want to give your statement here or at the station.

Morgan looks at Amber, huddled with the kids, then at Daniel sitting in the police car and giving her a death stare.

MORGAN

Here. He’s going to tell you a lot of lies and I want you to corroborate what I’m saying with his wife.

POLICE 2

We’ll take his wife’s statement too. Let’s start with yours.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned is that any dialogue in any scene can include anticipatory dialogue. It just needs to be added to what is already there.

Characters:

Morgan Day <div>

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

<div>

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Morgan calls 9-1-1 and boldly states that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. Two males cops arrive and Morgan follows them to the designer’s house.

MORGAN drives down the street until she’s out of sight of the Richards house. Then she pulls over, takes a deep breath, gets out her phone and prepares to make a call.

She punches 9-1-1 and waits, considering.

She hits call, takes a deep breath and waits.

9-1-1 OPERATOR

Nine one one. What is your emergency?

Morgan steels herself.

MORGAN

I was just at 427 Hampton Square Road. As I was leaving, a woman in the living room with two children gave me the sign for help, so I’m calling.

9-1-1 OPERATOR

Sign for help?

MORGAN

You know, from TikTok — hand up, thumb across the palm, then fold down the fingers.

9-1-1 OPERATOR

Okay, ma’am. Do you have reason to believe she’s in immediate danger?

MORGAN

I saw her in a women’s shelter with bruises recently. She looked scared tonight, huddled in the dark with her toddlers.

9-1-1 OPERATOR

So you were in the house?

MORGAN

Yes, her husband is –

Morgan hesitates.

MORGAN

Someone I know. I was there on business.

9-1-1 OPERATOR

Do you have reason to believe this woman is in immediate danger?

Morgan’s frustration reaches it’s limit.

MORGAN

She asked me to send help so I have reason to believe she thinks she’s in danger. Are you sending someone or do I have to go back in there myself?

9-1-1 OPERATOR

Someone’s on their way. I’m just trying to understand the emergency.

MORGAN

He may well kill her this time. Send someone.

Morgan hangs up and waits.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – LATER

A squad car goes by Morgan’s car with lights on, but no siren. It pulls into the Richards’ driveway. Morgan follows, stopping just outside the gates.

Two male cops get out of the car and MORGAN throws her head back against the headrest in despair.

MORGAN

Damn it. Don’t fall for his bullshit.

Fingers tensed on the steering wheel, Morgan watches as the police disappear into the house.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen has Finished Act 4 & 5

What I learned doing this assignment is that I am getting very comfortable reminding myself that I can fix it later, I just have to get it done now.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Finished Act 2!

What I learned doing this assignment is that once I’m in the flow, I don’t want to stop to post assignments or do self-evaluations. I just want to continue on to the next act.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Finished Act 3

What I learned doing this assignment is that with the number of drafts of the outline, I’ve come to know it so well (and apparently imagine writing it so many times), that it is flowing as quickly as I can type.

Quick Rating: <div>

Rule 1: Empowering Self Talk — Consistently Use

Rule 2: Understand Drafts — Consistently Use

Rule 3: Speed Over Quality — Consistently Use — INSIGHT: boy do I ever!!

Rule 4: Continue without all answers — Some Use — INSIGHT: There have only been a few times when I thought I was missing something big that I’d need in a scene

Rule 5: Keep Moving — Consistently Use — INSIGHT: but ONLY when I DON’T have a migraine. I’m dead in the water when I do.

Rule 6: Stumped now, rely on the future — Consistently Use — INSIGHT: no TBDs or XYZs so far in the script, but I’ve used them extensively in the past in other scripts where I’m not sure (TBD) or where I need a fact or name (XYZ as a placeholder)

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Finished Act 1 First Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that I should have polished/refined my outline more. In a couple of cases, I had 2 scenes mushed into one in the outline.

I used the high speed writing rules to stop myself from overthinking characterization — although I realized I needed my character’s top traits and subtext at hand to give my characters any individuality. I hadn’t thought of them that way yet — only their circumstances, goals, etc. that we did in the first 2 modules. I made a quick cheat sheet to keep handy as I continue to write.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Teaser/High Speed Writing

What I learned doing this assignment is that writing with a migraine seems insurmountable for me so it’s important to have migraine mitigation meds available at all times. Got a new one this week and am able to write again.

I’ve taken a couple of Hal and Cheryl’s other classes where High Speed Writing was in play and it really, really helps. Permission to be awful lets the words flow and they’re usually a bit better than awful. 🙂

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Anticipation Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that good movies use anticipation, implied questions and hints to a great degree to increase interest.

Movie: The Bourne Identity

Prior to this scene, they’ve spotted Bourne floating at sea and stopped to pick him up. They are taking him below deck to work on him.

INT. FISHING BOAT BUNK ROOM — NIGHT 4

A wreck. Too small for all the people in here right now — SAILORS sweeping off the table — rough hands laying THE MAN down —

NOTE: Lets us know this is not a high end operation and these are not upscale people.

THE CAPTAIN — brutal and impatient — watching from the door as —

NOTE: The description of the captain lets us know he’s not likely to care for or help this unconscious man.

GIANCARLO tears through the clutter — searching for a medical kit buried in the shambles. GIANCARLO is sixty. A bloodshot soul.

NOTE: The description makes us wonder if Giancarlo has any medical expertise. It he the “guy with a conscience” on this boat or is he after something else?

GIANCARLO
— it’s here — hang on — it’s

here somewhere — give me a minute – – get some blankets — get some blankets on him —

(finding the kit–)
— here we go — here it is —

GIANCARLO with an old trunk — just getting it open, as —

THE CAPTAIN

Giancarlo.
(Giancarlo turns back–)

We pick him up? Okay, we have to pick him up. But that’s as far as it goes.

NOTE: The medical kit hasn’t been used on this trip and probably many others. The Captain is not a sympathetic character.

GIANCARLO He needs a doctor.

CAPTAIN
Fuck that. He lives? He dies? I don’t care. We’ve wasted two hours on this shit already. You do what you can, but we’re not going back.

(pure steel now) You understand me?

NOTE: With no doctor in the offing, the chances of the guy on the table dying are high.

GIANCARLO Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN
(to the rest of them)

Let’s get back to work!

GIANCARLO watching them run out. Snagging a quick pull on a pint of rum he’s got stashed and —

NOTE: The guy doing the medical work is also drinking — never a good sign.

5 INT. FISHING BOAT BUNK ROOM — DAWN — TIME CUTS

Transformed into a makeshift operating room. A light swings overhead. THE MAN layed out across the table. Sounds — groans — words — snatches of them — all in different languages.

GIANCARLO playing doctor in a greasy kitchen apron. Cutting away the clothes. Turning THE MAN on his side. Two bullet wounds in the back. Probing them, judging them.

NOTE: Giancarlo doesn’t seem to be shocked or bothered by bullet holes in the guy.

Now — GIANCARLO with a flashlight in his teeth — TINK — TINK — TINK — bullet fragments falling into a washed-out olive jar.

NOTE: We get the feel Giancarlo has done this before.

Now — something catching GIANCARLO’S EYE — A SCAR ON THE MAN’S HIP — another fragment — exacto knife cutting in — tweezers extracting A SMALL PLASTIC TUBE, not a bullet at all, and as it comes free —

NOTE: Giancarlo isn’t above investigating the body as though it was (or will be soon) a corpse.

THE MAN’S HAND SLAMS down onto GIANCARLO’S and we SMASH CUT

NOTE: Suddenly, the man is alive and reacting with authority.

6 INTO A — 6 FIRST PERSON POV — we are staring up at —

GIANCARLO
You’re awake. Can you hear me?

(we’re blinking–)
You’ve been shot. I’m trying to help you.

(we’re trying to find our voice–)

You were in the water. You’ve been shot. It’s okay now.

THE MAN Where am I?

GIANCARLO (switching to English)

You’re American. I thought so. From your teeth — the dental work – –

NOTE: Giancarlos has apparently seen his share of bodies and investigated them since he knows dental work when he sees it.

THE MAN Where am I?

GIANCARLO
You’re on a boat. A fishing boat.

Italian flag. We’re out of Vietri. (he smiles)

It’s the cold that saved you. (MORE)

GIANCARLO (CONT’D)
The water. The wounds are clean. I’m not a doctor, but the wounds, it looks okay. It’s clean.

THE MAN How did I get here?

GIANCARLO
You were lost at sea. They pulled you out.
(we say nothing)

Who are you?
(still nothing)

NOTE: Giancarlo is interrogating and getting nothing.

You were shot — two bullets — in the back. You understand me?

NOTE: Giancarlo tries to give Bourne a clue, but it means nothing to him and we are left to wonder why.

(we try to nod) Who are you?

Long dead pause.
I don’t know.

NOTE: At this point, we don’t know if it’s amnesia or artifice.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Creates a Future!

What I learned doing this assignment is that even a very brief scene like this one can convey that a) Amber is afraid of her husband; b) Daniel flatters his clients while insulting them; c) Morgan’s husband is very successful; and, d) Morgan doesn’t like being labeled the trophy wife.

Characters: <div>

Morgan Day

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure

Curious/Eager to learn

Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist

Insecure

Incredibly good designer

Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving

Gentle

Long-suffering

Fiercely protective of her kids

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive
Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

SCENE

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

DANIEL opens the door to MORGAN.

DANIEL

Come in. This should only take a few minutes.

MORGAN

Of course.

Morgan enters. While he’s closing the door, Morgan espies AMBER holding her KIDS protectively in the darkened living room. Morgan slips her hand in her bag.

DANIEL

Shall we go to the workroom, my dear?

MORGAN

Of course. Lead on.

Daniel leads Morgan through the entry to a hallway.

MORGAN

Gavin worries if I’m gone for long at night. He’s such a homebody.

DANIEL

Except for galas, award dinners and such.

Morgan pulls out the Waterman book and, giving Amber a significant look, and quietly places the book on a table in the entrance before following Daniel down the hall.

MORGAN

Those aren’t pleasant outings for him, just unfortunate obligations.

Morgan straightens in smug satisfaction.

DANIEL

The agonies of being a world famous author, no doubt. And your agony is needing to look picture perfect on his arm at every event.

Morgan steels herself and sneers at Daniel’s back.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen is Being Dramatic!

What I learned doing this assignment is that trying to make each statement more dramatic adds drama to the entire scene (although a short one). The technique list is a great menu for adding drama.

Characters:

Morgan Day <div>

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn
Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist; Insecure; Incredibly good designer; Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving; Gentle; Long-suffering; Fiercely protective of her kids

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive

Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

SCENE

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

MORGAN pulls the curtain open on the dressing room and she is wearing a stunning, yet unfinished dress that flatters her figure and demands attention.

DANIEL contemplates her critically, and tugs at a specific point on the dress.

DANIEL

I’ll let it out just a touch here so it skims your body rather than making you look lumpy.

MORGAN

Lumpy? I’m a customer, not one of your models.

Anger flashes across Daniel’s face and then morphs into obsequiousness.

DANIEL

Of course you are, and you’re one of my best customers and the best advertisement for my line that I have.

MORGAN

Thank you.

Morgan contemplates the dress in the mirror from several angles.

MORGAN

It seems to pucker a bit here when I move my arm. Can you fix that?

DANIEL

Of course I can, dear. I can fix anything.

Daniel places a pin in the spot indicated by Morgan and stands back to give the gown a long look as Morgan continues to look in the mirror at it.

DANIEL

I’ll have this ready for you by tomorrow afternoon at the shop. Take it off.

Morgan quickly ducks back into the dressing room and pulls the curtain.

INT. RICHARDS ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT

MORGAN follows DANIEL through the entrance hall again.

She smiles slightly and gives a sigh of relief when she sees the book is gone from the table.

Morgan glances into the living room. AMBER stands, blocking her kids from view. She waits until Daniel is out of sight, then gives Morgan the sign for help (hand up in stop position, then tucking the thumb across the palm followed by curling the fingers down over it).

Morgan is startled, but nods quickly and hurries through the door Daniel has opened.

DANIEL

Tomorrow afternoon at the shop.

MORGAN

Of course.

Daniel closes the door with a look of anger on his face and turns toward the living room.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Sorry — posted in the wrong module.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Outline With Intrigue

What I learned doing this lesson is that some scenes have multiple intrigue layers and that I’ll have to pare them down to a main one as I write to have more focused scenes.

EXT. CAMPION FARM – NIGHT; CONSPIRACY

Mike and Mindy are heading out to a NYE party when Cara calls and is excited that her boyfriend of 2 years will finally propose tonight and she can start a family. Mindy cautions not to get the cart before the horse.

Mike and Mindy are getting into the car so she has to go. Cara hears the doorbell and says her boyfriend is as close to perfect as she needs. They both know that Mindy got the only perfect man on earth.

Open Loop: Will Cara get engaged? Mystery: Why is Mike the perfect man?

Empathy/Distress: Cara is settling since the best guy is already taken.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:
INT. CAR – NIGHT; STRANGE BEHAVIOR

Mike and Mindy wave goodbye to the kids, banter a bit about Cara and kids, then Mike abruptly says they should tell anyone from the sheriff’s department at the party tonight what they found out about Molly.

Mindy says he promised to wait until the beginning of the year and then they crown the hill and the brakes don’t work and they crash into the train, saying “Molly”.

Open Loop: Why did they say “Molly”?
Mystery: What do they have to tell the sheriff? Empathy/Distress: Oh, no! They’re dead! Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:
EXT. CAMPION FARM – DAY; IMMINENT THREAT

Sixteen years earlier, Mike, Molly and Jim have been hanging out at Mike’s house. Jim’s dad is coming home from a bar and picking him up on the way. He tells Jim he has to marry for land and not to let Mike push him out where Molly’s concerned.

Molly will come with land.

Jim talks back to his dad, not willing to marry for money, and his dad gets physical with Jim, almost running off the road in the process. Jim concedes to his dad’s wish verbally, but mutters he won’t marry for money to himself.

Open Loop: Will he marry for land?
Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Jim is being abused by his dad. Payoff:

Irony:
Setup: Jim will be an abuser in the future. EXT. CAMPION FARM – DAY; WOUND

Mike leaves his dad, Randi and Molly to go to college, reiterating his desire that she go to college with him and that this will not break them up. Molly is crying and says she has to farm with her dad.

Mike kisses Molly deeply implies a close relationship. He promises to be true.

Open Loop: Will Mike be true to Molly? Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Poor Molly, left at home. Payoff:

Irony:
Setup: Mike and Molly will both have temptations. INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM – DAY; DECEPTION

Mike and Cara meet in their very first college class and there are instant sparks. They meet daily after class and grow closer, flirting and sharing dreams, but Molly stands between them so their relationship is platonic.

Whenever Molly calls Mike, he and Cara’s demeanors change to sadness.

Open Loop: Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: True love comes after commitments have already been made.

Payoff:
Irony: Big sparks between them, but they can’t be together. Setup: Will they be together?
EXT. WALRATH FARM – EVENING; SECRET

Over the fall months, Jim helps Molly or visits with her whenever he drives by. He asks her to go with him to a fundraiser, but she refuses.

Jim helps Molly with the heavy lifting after the refusal, still flirting and charming and charismatic. Molly considers him wistfully, but then shakes her head.

Open Loop: Will she cheat with Jim? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Molly is lonely and alone and Jim is always there for her.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: She will fall for Jim when rejected by Mike. INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM – EVENING; CONSPIRACY

After Thanksgiving, Mike shows up at Cara and Mindy’s room looking for Cara. He helps Mindy decorate as she tells him that Cara’s grandmother is ill, her missionary parents can’t help, so she has stayed behind as her grandmother’s caregiver.

Mike confesses that has broken up with Molly because of Cara and Mindy is more smitten with him than she thought she might be, flirting outrageously. After Mike leaves, she sits down with her mind control book and looks at a picture of Mike and Cara on her desk. She puts a picture of herself next to Mike and blocks out Cara, then digs into the book.

Open Loop: Will Cara find out that Mike was looking for her? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Feel bad for Mike and Cara because Mindy cheats them out of their relationship.

Payoff:

Irony:
Setup:
EXT. MOLLY’S FARM – NIGHT; HIDDEN AGENDA

Jim stops by after Thanksgiving while Molly is decorating outside and helps her, learning that Mike has dumped her and seeing his chance when she cries on his shoulder, literally, when telling him about the breakup. He tries to hold her longer, but she pulls away and he is disappointed and she sees it.

They continue decorating, hands touching now and then and when they finish, he says nothing, but when they finish, he says goodnight, hugs her again and kisses her quickly on the lips. She pulls him back for a very passionate kiss.

Open Loop:
Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Molly needs solace after being dumped. Payoff:
Irony: She pursues Jim who is only after her land. Setup: Jim won’t really love her, only love her land. INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY; WOUND

At Christmas, Mike returns home, presents in hand, and Randi tells him Molly is already engaged to Jim. Mike worries it is too fast and tears up while tossing his gifts carelessly under the tree.

Randi asks about he and Cara and he says quietly that he’s dating Mindy. Cara is gone.

Open Loop: Will Mike and Molly or Mike and Cara get together again?

Mystery: How did Mindy catch him so quickly?

Empathy/Distress: Mike really cared for Molly, but had so much more with Cara and is now with Mindy.

Payoff:
Irony: He dumped Molly for Cara, but ended up with Mindy. Setup:

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – MORNING; SUSPICION

On a late summer morning, an “It’s a boy!” Flag is flying at Molly’s house. Molly sports a wedding ring and sits in a rocker with the baby in a carrier next to her. Jim comes up behind her and says he wishes she’d told him she was pregnant when they got engaged.

She stands to say she wasn’t, silly, the baby just came early, and hugs him. He grudgingly hugs her back and then looks around the farm. Her dad comes out of the house and says, let’s get to the mowing. Jim smiles and heaves a pleased sigh. Later, Molls. Gotta farm.

Open Loop: Was Molly pregnant with Mike’s baby when she married Jim?

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Poor Molly — married to a guy that only wants her money and doesn’t trust her.

Payoff: Irony:

Setup: Years of Jim thinking Hunter is not his own biological son.

EXT. PARK – EVENING; SUSPICION

Six months ago, Randi hugs the twins and gives them plates of food. Randi says to Mindy she’s glad her brothers went back to Alaska before the 4th. It’s a relief. She’s glad Molly and Jim joined them today.

Mike and Jim make tense small talk. Mindy and Molly talk seriously to one side. Then Randi brings Jim another beer and some cake and chats with him while Mike talks to Mindy and Molly seriously. Jim glowers at Molly and Mike as Mindy cuts cake for the twins.

Open Loop: Who is Randi?
Mystery: What is the serious conversation about? Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: Randi keeps Jim busy so Mike can talk to Molly.

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – NIGHT; IMMINENT THREAT, SUSPICION

When Jim and Molly get home from the picnic, Jim is jealous and furious that Molly was talking to Mike – again. He accuses her of never getting over Mike and chides her about her bastard, meaning Hunter. As he gets more belligerent, she gets more frightened, desperate and angry.

Molly races to her car and takes off, gravel flying, down the road. She watches behind her in the mirror and over her shoulder as she careens down the road, never seeing the train stopped across the road ahead (in the dark) and drives right into it.

Open Loop: What was Molly running from? Mystery: Is Hunter really a bastard child? Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:

Irony:
Setup: Did Molly die because of Jim? INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – DAY; DECEPTION

At the funeral parlor, a condolence line moves slowly past Jim, Hunter and Gabe. A picture of Molly is on the casket with flowers. Several people say they are so sorry and ask if it was a suicide? That must be awful.

Jim demurs when suicide is mentioned and Gabe and Hunter shuffle uncomfortably. Another person offers condolences and says “Did she leave a note? Jim nods but says nothing, Gabe wipes his eyes, but Hunter stares at Jim in disbelief and anger.

Open Loop: If Molly left a note, who wrote it?

Mystery: Why does Jim demur about the note? Why is Hunter suspicious?

Empathy/Distress: The boys have lost their mother. Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY; SECRET

In an obvious fall setting, Randi gets her test results and it is very bad news, apparently, from her doctor, a friend. She tells Randi that she’ll have to tell Mike and Molly so they can help her get through this, but Randi says she’ll tell them when she’s ready, after harvest, and she swears the doctor to confidentiality for professional and friendship reasons.

Randi gets up to leave after composing herself and with determination and anger stops at the door, wiping a final tear, waving the folded results at the doctor, and reiterates her demand for confidentiality.

Open Loop: What bad news did Randi get? Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Randi got bad medical news Payoff:

Irony:
Setup: Randi will keep a secret from her son and d-i-l. INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY; SUSPICION, CONSPIRACY

After supper that night, Mike calls Mindy to a private conversation noting how upset Randi seems. Mindy says she’ll tell us what’s bugging her when she’s ready. He says he overheard Gabe telling the twins that he never got to see his mom’s suicide note. Mike says he can’t believe Molly would have killed herself and that something is fishy. Hunter was equally evasive when he asked what was in the note. Should they talk to the police? Ask Jim?

Molly says they can’t come right out and ask to see the note and Mike says he’s going to investigate and that they should tell no one their suspicions until he’s done so — including Randi and Cara — until he’s seen and read the suicide note.

Open Loop: What’s up with Randi?
Mystery: Why would Molly have killed herself? Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:
Irony: Everyone is keeping secrets.
Setup:

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; SECRET

In the late afternoon when the kids are leaving with Mike to go trick or treating, Randi catches Mindy alone in the house and swears her to secrecy — not Mike, Cara or anyone else. Mindy swears. Randi shows her the test results from the doctor. She wanted to wait until harvest was over, but before the Alaska contingent arrived.

Mindy agrees that she’ll do whatever she can with her intentional medicine, but it may not help. Randi reminds her of the complete secrecy — it’s her news and she’ll tell it when she’s ready.

Open Loop: What is wrong with Randi?
Mystery: How could intentional medicine help? Empathy/Distress: Randi has a serious medical problem. Payoff:
Irony:

Setup: Only Mindy knows Randi’s secret and we already know she’s going to die – probably before she can tell anyone about it.

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; CONSPIRACY, SUSPICION

In a Christmas filled room, Mike and Mindy talk privately, very concerned. Mindy has found evidence that Molly didn’t commit suicide. She thinks they should tell the police immediately, but Mike says it would be cruel to Gabe and Hunter to do that right before their first Christmas without their mom.

Mindy says they should be told. This can’t wait. Mike becomes adamant and cows her into agreeing, swearing her to not tell Randi or Cara. They’ll deal with it first thing in January.

Open Loop: What do they have to tell?

Mystery: Who killed Molly?

Empathy/Distress: Mindy is slightly brow-beaten by Mike.

Payoff:

Irony: They are going to die (we already know) the way Molly did.

Setup:

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; CONSPIRACY, SECRET

Mindy and Randi emerge from Mindy’s room with their suitcases in the with Christmas decorations all around. Mindy takes Mike aside for a private conversation and tells him that since they got Cara to agree to be the kids’ guardian, if anything happens to them, they should also make her the executor in their will so she’ll also be responsible for keeping the kids’ legacy intact — they wouldn’t want the Alaska boys to get control of everything and leaving Randi in charge would put her in an awkward position of having to choose between her brothers. That would be unfair.

Mike objects at first, saying they should keep it in the family, but Mindy says, “it’s Cara and she IS family” and he softens. Then she reminds him of his promise to his dad when he died ten years ago. She hands him the paperwork to sign and he is angry/suspicious it’s already drawn up, but then runs his finger over Cara’s name. We’ll explain it to her at Christmas in Chicago.

Open Loop: What did Mike promise his dad? Why should they make Cara the guardian and the executor?

Mystery: Why did Mindy already have the paperwork made up? Why is it important?

Empathy/Distress: Mike still has feelings for Cara after all this time.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: At Christmas, they’ll talk Cara into signing. INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – DAY; CONSPIRACY, HIDDEN LAYER

Christmas gifts are wrapped at Mindy’s parents’ house. Mindy pulls Cara aside and urges her to sign the executor/guardian paperwork. Cara wants a better explanation than “Mike really wants you to sign this one too.” And Mindy says Mike promised his dad he’d look out for the farm and Randi can’t stand up to his brothers alone. She’ll need you on this.

Cara wants time to think about it and Mindy slips off to her bedroom to do some mind control work. Mike walks in and is not pleased. He slips out before she sees him and looks concerned.

Open Loop: What is Mind Control work and what is she controlling? Why does Mike hate it?

Mystery: How did Mindy know that Mike would rely on Cara? How did she know that Cara would do whatever Mike wants her to?

Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: Cara will be facing a dilemma soon.
INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – EVENING; CONSPIRACY, DECEPTION

The Christmas gifts are unwrapped and Mindy corners Cara to sign the paper again. Cara objects mildly asking Mindy to explain it more fully, but Mindy says, trust me.

Cara signs.

Open Loop: Why did Cara sign for Mindy?

Mystery: Why is this agreement needed?

Empathy/Distress: Cara is feeling pressured by Mindy.

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – MORNING; IMMINENT THREAT, INTRIGUING WORLD, SUSPICION

Mindy wakes with a start from a dream. She tells Mike that
it was a premonition of her death and wonders if Cara or Jim are plotting to have her die. Mike poo poos the notion.
Cara asks what the problem is and Mike leaves while she repeats her fear to Cara. Mindy says she’ll use Mind control to see if it’s true and Cara says it’s nonsense — no one would want her dead. It’s probably because she’s making changes to her will that she even thought about death in a dream.

Cara looks intently at Mike and he feels it and turns to smile at here. There is still chemistry there. Mindy sees it and heads to her room where she does some mind control work again and is baffled by the results.

Open Loop: What results did Mindy get from her mind control work?

Mystery: What’s really going on between Cara and Mike?

Empathy/Distress: Mindy isn’t being taken seriously and she is scared.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: Cara’s reaction later to Mike’s death. INT. CAR – DAY; SUSPICION, INTRIGUING WORLD

In a car after Christmas, Cara and Mindy are headed out for some after Christmas shopping. Cara catches Mindy doing mind control while they are driving and asks if she uses it a lot and if she uses it to get people to do things they don’t want to do. Mindy demurs.

Cara asks her point blank if she used it to get her to sign the guardianship agreement. Mindy says no, of course not,
but is not convincing. Cara is distracted by her answer and they are nearly in a wreck. After they are on their way again, Cara pulls over. Is that what you saw in your dream? If so, your foreknowledge just prevented your death. See? I told you mind control was really useful. They laugh.

Open Loop: What are all the things Mindy has used mind control for?

Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: They are nearly killed in a car accident. Payoff: Her premonition came true.
Irony: She thought she was going to die and nearly did. Setup: She really will die soon.
INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; MYSTERY

NYE at the farmhouse and Mike and Mindy are prepping to go to a party. Mindy says if the sheriff or one of his deputies is at the party, she’s going to tell them about Molly’s death. He says no way. We agreed on January. They banter about after midnight vs the 2nd. Cara calls.

Mike signals they have to go and Mindy whispers that they’re not done talking about Molly and they’ll talk in the car.

Open Loop: What did they learn about Molly? Mystery: Why did Mike want to wait? Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: The knowledge will die with them.
EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – NIGHT; IMMINENT THREAT, CONSPIRACY

In this replay of the opening scene, Mindy is finishing up her conversation with Cara and they wave goodbye and get in the car. Mike asks if they should finish their discussion about Molly.

They argue briefly about telling a sheriff or deputy at the party and Mike wins again by agreeing to go to the sheriff’s office with her on the 2nd, first thing. They crown the hill and a train is stopped across the tracks again. No brakes and a crash is imminent. They both have a moment of realization and say “Molly”.

Open Loop: What did they find out about Molly’s death?

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff: Mindy was right about her premonition of death.

Irony: Mindy forgot about the premonition after the false alarm with Cara.

Setup: Mysteries around Mindy, Mike and Molly’s deaths now. INT. CARA’S LA APARTMENT – NIGHT; WOUND, HIDDEN LAYER

Cara lets her boyfriend into the apartment, dressed and ready for NYE. They kiss and her boyfriend hints that it’s going to be a very special night for them. Then she gets a phone call from a number in Iowa that she doesn’t recognize. She takes it.

Cara sinks into a chair at the news of Mike and Mindy’s death and says she must go to Iowa immediately. Her boyfriend is angry since she might as well go to the party tonight because she won’t get a flight out until morning at the earliest. She is incensed that he is so insensitive that she would go to a party after learning that her lifelong friend and her husband, people she just spent the holidays with, are dead. The boyfriend is angry that she won’t go and she throws him out of the apartment accusing him of being selfish and insensitive. She crumples in grief.

Open Loop: Was he going to propose at the party? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Cara’s boyfriend has no empathy for her – clearly into his own plans for the evening.

Payoff:

Irony: she has to bail when she was finally going to get the proposal she’s wanted.

Setup: Cara has to go to Iowa. INT. CARA’S LA APARTMENT – MORNING;

Cara is on the phone with her assistant while packing her bags to leave for Iowa. They agree to cancel or reschedule all of her appointments, giving some of the urgent cases to her partner at the business. Cara’s roommate helps her with the bags and asks if she got ahold of the boyfriend. She has not. He must have blocked her.

Cara tells her roommate she’ll probably be bringing the kids back to LA with her and rent out the farmland. The roommate argues that it’s a 2 bedroom place. Cara says they were letting the place go when the lease was up anyway because they were both getting married — or so they thought — and says they’ll discuss it and work something out when she gets back.

Open Loop: What will happen to Cara’s apartment? Is the boyfriend done with her?

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Cara can’t think of anything except being where she is supposed to be.

Payoff: Irony:

Setup: Cara has a very different plan for what will happen to the kids than Mindy and Mike did.

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING; INTRIGUING WORLD, MYSTERY

Cara’s GPS tells her she’s “Arrived” and she looks over the farmstead. Just like the pictures. The twins greet her with hugs and tears. Randi says it’s great to meet in person after all these years. It’s strange she only comes to the farm after Mike and Mindy — well,

The twins lead Cara to the house and say they’re glad she’ll be here to take care of them now with Aunt Randi. Randi looks askance at the trio heading in ahead of her.

Open Loop: Why hadn’t Cara been to the farm before?

Mystery: Why can’t Randi keep the kids?

Empathy/Distress: Everyone is sad because Mindy and Mike died.

Payoff: Irony:

Setup: Cara isn’t planning on staying and they are planning on her doing so.

INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY; DECEPTION, SECRET

The funeral reception line includes Mindy’s parents, the twins, Cara and Randi. Jim and his sons approach and Randi is not pleased to see them in line. Cara has heard of Jim for years, but doesn’t associate him with his reputation as charming,

but problematic.

Jim greets Cara and there is an instant connection that frightens Cara with its strength. Randi breaks up their brief conversation by grabbing Jim’s hand and moving him forward in the line. Cara looks at Jim as he’s drawn away, wondering why Randi stole him from her. Then Hunter take her hand and greets her in honest sympathy and friendliness. She is drawn to him.

Open Loop: Is Jim a good guy or a bad buy? Mystery: Why does Randi dislike him so much?

Empathy/Distress: Cara is part of the family, but no one knows her except the 4 Campions, two of whom are now dead.

Payoff:

Irony: She was the threat to Molly and now she and Jim are the only ones left.

Setup: Will Jim and Cara get it on?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; INTRIGUING WORLD; HIDDEN AGENDA

The will concludes with the reading of the codicil that names Cara the guardian of the twins and executor of the estate. Mindy’s parents are surprised, but pleased as they’ve known Cara all her life. The kids are surprised and pleased until she says she’s going to love having them live with her in LA until their old enough to come back to the farm.

The kids don’t want to go, Randi is appalled that Cara would consider it, but Cara maintains that Mindy and Mike knew she had a career and a life in LA and never suggested she come to

the farm. The kids plead, Randi fusses and Cara is genuinely surprised that anyone thought she would stay in Iowa. Mindy’s parents stop the fussing by saying that clearly, everyone is not on the same page and it will work itself out.

Open Loop: Will Cara bring the kids to LA? Why wouldn’t she since she’s been left in charge?

Mystery: Why did Mike and Mindy leave Cara in charge? Why not Randi?

Empathy/Distress: The kids don’t want to leave their home and Cara doesn’t want to leave hers either.

Payoff:

Irony: Mindy’s life could have been Cara’s if she’d left Mike alone.

Setup: Cara will struggle with where to live.
INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; DECEPTION, HIDDEN AGENDA

Mindy’s parents have gone back to Chicago. Cara talks to Randi about all of the neighbors who have volunteered to take on the rental land to lighten Randi’s load. Cara doesn’t understand that rental land is highly sought after and not to be given away under any circumstances.

Cara believes that renting out the land is better than trying to farm it without Mike and Mindy. Randi sits Cara down and lectures her about rental land. Cara ponders. Angry, yet recognizing there is some truth to what Randi is saying based on what Mindy told her over the years, unwilling to accept that people would be so money-grubbing.

Open Loop: Will Cara stay or go?

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Cara is a babe in the woods here.

Payoff:

Irony: Randi, who can’t be in charge, knows a lot more about this than Cara who is in charge.

Setup: Will Cara do the right thing with the land? EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING;

While prepping breakfast, Randi brings Cara a cup of coffee as a peace offering. Randi asks if Cara’s boyfriend will join her in Iowa or if they’ll do the long distance thing. It would be good to have another man around on the farm.

Cara says she’s not sure she even has a boyfriend anymore after she refused to go to the NYE party. Randi rubs her shoulder in empathy and sits with her. Randi says it’s been a tragedy for everyone.

Open Loop: Will Cara’s boyfriend become her ex? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Randi does sympathize with Cara and so do we.

Payoff:

Irony: Cara lost the love of her life and her boyfriend on the same night.

Setup: Cara will be giving up more than a home and career if she moves to Iowa.

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY; MYSTERY, WOUND

Cara talks to the twins about LA and how much they would like living there, describing her house and that her roommate is getting married in a few months so they’ll have more room. Randi listens in from the doorway, stepping back to hear Cara’s wishes received with pushback from the twins about all they would give up.

Randi goes to the kitchen and hugs the family pet, talking to it about needing to get Cara to stay or the twins’ legacy will be at risk and she’s promised they’ll get it when they are of age. She hugs and pets the pet in sadness, finally looking up for guidance and help.

Open Loop: What is wrong with Randi? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Randi has her heart in the right place thinking of the kids’ legacy.

Payoff:
Irony: She’s keeping secrets. Setup:
EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON;

Cara comes into the kitchen for more coffee and Randi stops her to talk. Randi gives her the lowdown on land prices, farm history and the need to keep all of the land together. Cara argues that Randi is asking her to give up a marriage and children of her own to stay on the farm.

Randi questions whether Cara and her boyfriend are right for each other. Mindy never thought so. Cara grows furious at that and slams down her cup, breaking it. Randi apologizes and so does Cara and they clean up the glass together. As Cara gets another cup of coffee and leaves the kitchen, Randi offers a smart-ass retort to Cara’s marriage dream with her CA boyfriend (perhaps, “I’m not asking you to give up your boyfriend and having babies. Mike and Mindy asked you to take over their lives here if anything happened to them and you agreed to do it.”

Open Loop: Will Cara stay? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Cara has lost a lot and is being asked to give up more.

Payoff:

Irony: Cara acts like she has a decision to make, but as Randi said, she already agreed so the decision is already made.

Setup: What will Cara decide?
INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; WOUND, IMMINENT THREAT

Cara finally gets her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him that they want her to stay for 7 or 8 years, until the kids are of age and can take over the farm. He tells her she’s insane. She has practically promised him she would marry him and they would have kids right away because that is what she wanted. Has she changed her mind about that?

Cara paces more and more wildly (caged animal style) as the phone call goes on. Her boyfriend says he’s not willing to move so that’s that. She says maybe I can split my time. Dragging the kids back and forth? Is that practical? Their aunt Randi could probably take care of them. Then Aunt Randi can run the farm too. You come back to LA or we’re done.

Open Loop: Will the boyfriend remain? Why can’t Randi help with the kids?

Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Cara has no good choice here. Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; CONSPIRACY, HIDDEN AGENDA

Cara’s financial interests have not been considered by Randi or the kids. Food is passed around and eaten eagerly up front, but then fades to people toying with their food as they realize how hard this will be for Cara.

The kids and Randi push hard about her obligation to Mike and Mindy and Cara finally storms out saying she cares for them all, but she needs to decide this for herself, not be pushed into it. It is her life too, not just theirs.

Open Loop: Will Cara give up her life? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: the kids have valid points, but so does Cara.

Payoff:
Irony: No choice makes everyone happy.
Setup:
INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – NIGHT; WOUND, DECEPTION

Cara talks on the phone with her boyfriend again. She proposes bringing the kids back to LA, but spending planting and harvesting season on the farm with them so they’ll learn farming and the farm will have the required help.

Frustrated that Cara is treating him like an afterthought as she has always done, putting her career above their relationship, he says he barely sees her now. How would that work. Cara is holding a photo of Mindy’s family and Randi as she reasons with her boyfriend and drops it, shattering the glass. She tells him she can’t just leave them. She has an obligation. He abruptly says goodbye.

Open Loop: Will the boyfriend come around? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: The boyfriend feels like he’s 2nd banana to everything else. Cara is torn.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup: Difficult decision in the future

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – EVENING; CONSPIRACY, SECRET IDENTITY

Jim and his sons sit down to dinner and Jim talks about how they can get to farm the Campion rental land this year and eventually take it over permanently. Hunter says that all of the people who rented land to Mike and Mindy have a personal relationship and are sort of family to the Campions. Jim argues they’ll kill Cara with kindness to get her to let them “help”.

Jim doesn’t like what he’s hearing from Hunter, stabs his meat and shovels in food more harshly as the conversation gets more heated. Jim tells the boys they have no choice. They need more land or their farm will go under. He storms out and Hunter comforts Gabe who was rattled by Jim’s violent words.

Open Loop: Will Jim take advantage of Cara?
Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Hunter and Gabe don’t deserve this violence. Payoff:
Irony: He’s angry, but talking about killing with kindness Setup: Sets up future antipathy between Hunter and Jim.
EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING; WOUND, IMMINENT THREAT

Randi has heard from some land owners asking if they should find new renters. Since her old arguments haven’t convinced Cara she needs to stay, she tries a new one. She tells Cara that Mike’s brothers will be down from Alaska in June and if Cara and Randi aren’t farming the land in the twins’ name, Mike’s brothers may try to take if from them.

Cara doesn’t understand how they might do that, but as they survey the buildings on the farmstead, she ponders how she could square the kids losing their legacy with her promise to Mike – and Mindy. Any parent would do that for their kids, right?

Open Loop: Will Cara stay?
Mystery: What is up with the Alaska brothers? Empathy/Distress: Cara has an impossible choice to make Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:

EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON; HIDDEN AGENDA, DECEPTION

Cara is out at the road getting the mail and Jim pulls up in his pickup. He tells her he’ll help with all of the family. Chatting and mild flirting ensue as Jim leans out the window farther and Cara gets closer to the pickup.

Jim pats her hand on the mirror and tells her she can trust him. The flirtation throws Cara off guard.

Open Loop: Will Cara fall for the flirtation? Mystery:
Empathy/Distress:
Payoff:

Irony: Cara is looking for a partner, but this is too quick, too suspicious

Setup: What will go on between Cara and Jim in the future?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; CONSPIRACY, MYSTERY, SUSPICION

Randi has been watching the flirtation from the house and when Cara comes in with the mail, she says she needs to set Cara straight about Jim. Cara denies flirting with Jim, but Randi goes on to talk about Molly’s death.

Cara paces while she listens and they move closer and farther apart as the story progresses. Cara admits the death was mysterious at best and Randi says she thinks Mike and Mindy had some doubts about it being a suicide – before their deaths.

Open Loop: Will Cara steer clear of Jim?
Mystery: Did Jim cause Molly’s death? Was it murder?

Empathy/Distress: Cara thought she had a potential mate, but the rug is pulled out immediately.

Payoff:

Irony: Flirting, but denying it, her object of flirtation is then proposed as a murderer.

Setup: Why did Mike and Mindy die as Molly had?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING; SECRET, DECEPTION, HIDDEN AGENDA

Randi is inspecting the medical report again and decides that she needs to get Cara to commit – soon. She asks Cara to take a walk with her on a cold crisp morning.

Cara is still on the fence, wanting to keep her old life and keep the farm for the kids. She is negotiating about her planting/harvest proposal.

Randi says she can’t expect equipment to be ready at the needed time if she’s not working on it and there is year round business on the farm, including the dairy and hog operations that will need her supervision. Cara wants to wait until summer to make the decision because so many people have offered to help in the mean time. Randi levels with her that the

farm needs to firmly be in her hands before leases are up March 1st or people will rent to someone else and once they do that, the kids will never get that land back to rent.

Open Loop: What is wrong with Randi?
Mystery:
Empathy/Distress: Cara has a tough decision to make Payoff:

Irony:
Setup:

EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON; CONSPIRACY, INTRIGUING WORLD

The twins come home from school and catch Cara out in the machine shop looking things over. The plead with her to stay so they don’t have to lose their friends and neighbors and so they’ll learn more about farming every year. They say they’ll help her farm if she stays. She tells them she has a life in LA that she needs to get back to. They guilt her by reminding her she promised their mom she’d take care of them and the farm.

As they walk around the shop, the kids point out lifts, tools, machinery parts, etc. And Cara considers what they’ve already learned about farming. She sends the kids in for their after school snack that Randi has for them and watches them go across the yard. She’s reconsidering.

Open Loop: Will Cara stay? Mystery:

Empathy/Distress: Guilt about having promised to take care of the kids and the farm.

Payoff:
Irony: The kids know more about farming than she does. Setup: Cara’s making the decision.

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING; STRANGE BEHAVIOR

Cara is in her room and settles in to do some mind control work as Mindy has done in the past. She asks the universe to tell her whether she should stay or go. The mind control work looks a little mysterious as she does it. She writes a plus/minus analysis of the farm vs. LA and decides she must stay.

Open Loop: Will Cara stay
Mystery: What is this mind control work? Empathy/Distress: Tough decision to make
Payoff: Looks like the decision is imminent. Irony:
Setup:
EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – MORNING; CONSPIRACY, WOUND

Cara is out getting the mail again and Jim pulls up and talks briefly and flirts. Cara asks some questions about Molly and Jim dodges them while trying to flirt and grieve at once. As Cara walks back from the mailbox to the driveway, Jim follows her. She stops to continue talking, but inches farther from his truck when he obfuscates more on his answers.

Deciding this isn’t getting him anywhere, Jim says bye and drives off, checking Cara out in his rear view mirror and looking guilty as her gaze at him is a combination of lust and baby-timer-ticking.

Open Loop: Will Cara stay? Will Jim and Cara get together? Mystery: What happened to Molly?

Empathy/Distress: Cara doesn’t know if she can trust Jim at all.

Payoff:

Irony: Jim looks like the only viable baby maker, but he’s also a possible murderer.

Setup:
INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – MORNING; HIDDEN AGENDA, SECRET

Cara returns to the house with the mail and tells Randi that she’s seriously thinking about staying. Randi recoils as Cara looks fondly out the window toward Jim’s place.

Randi takes the bull by the horns and mentions Molly’s suicide several times, saying she hopes Cara isn’t thinking of Jim as a boyfriend.

Cara says of course she’s not interested, but that he’s offered to help her learn the ropes of farming. They are preparing lunch together and are working more or less in sync on that.
A friendship has formed. Cara swears again she’s not thinking of Jim that way, but looks a little dreamy when she looks out the window again. Randi is clearly frustrated and frightened.

Open Loop: Will Jim and Cara get together?
Mystery: What happened to Molly?
Empathy/Distress: Cara really, really wants a baby. Payoff: She’s considering staying.

Irony: Cara’s considering staying, but for a very bad reason – Jim.

Setup:
EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; WOUND, INTRIGUING WORLD

Hunter comes in with the kids after school to talk to Cara. She is predisposed to like him since she’s heard so many good things about him from Mindy and Randi. Hunter offers his services as a mentor/hired hand for Cara since he’s helped Mike’s dad and Mike with the farm equipment. He says he wants to help her keep the farm for the kids even though his dad would rather farm it for her – you know, take it over entirely.

Hunter takes a photo album from a shelf and shows her all the photos of him with Mike’s dad and Mike, describing the equipment and what they were doing. Cara catches her breath with each photo that includes Mike. Cara comments on how integral he’s been to the farm’s success and she definitely wants to continue having him help them. Randi, satisfied, asks Hunter to stay for dinner.

Open Loop:
Mystery: What was Hunter’s role in Mike and Mindy’s family?

Empathy/Distress: Cara needs a friend and seems to have one in Hunter

Payoff:
Irony: Cara lusts after the dad, but trusts the son. Setup: How will Hunter figure in Cara’s farming?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON; STRANGE BEHAVIOR, WOUND, SECRET

Cara slips away from dinner before dessert to review her LA/IA list again, says she’s staying, looks at the photo with the broken glass and does some more mind control to see if she had anything to do with Mike and Mindy’s deaths.

Now she’s talking to the family pet that she is concerned she might have had something to do with it telling the pet his dad was such a good man. Everyone loved him. She does some mind control work – by now, a familiar ritual – and shakes her head – no definitive answer. She tells the pet, maybe I’m just feeling guilty – or lost without them. She hugs the pet.

Open Loop:
Mystery: What was her real relationship with Mike?

Empathy/Distress: She’s definitely missing her friends, but also guilty.

Payoff:
Irony:
Setup:
EXT. CAMPION FARM – CONTINUOUS; IMMINENT THREAT

With dessert over, Hunter and the rest of the family chat amicably until they hear Jim’s truck pull on the yard. Hunter grabs his jacket and school bag in a hurry, apologizing for having stayed so long and not let his dad know where he is.

Jim is halfway to the door before Hunter is out and gives him a verbal tongue lashing as he rousts him back toward the pickup. The Campions can hear snatches that include him not volunteering to help them when they could get the land. They stop at the truck door and Jim punctuates his loudest accusations with backhands to Hunter’s head, pushes, etc. Hunter, head down, gets into the truck and slumps against the door as far away from Jim as possible. The twins flinch saying Hunter’s in big trouble now, Randi gasps with each smack and Cara looks disillusioned and shocked.

Open Loop: How violent is Jim?
Mystery: What happened to Molly?
Empathy/Distress: Cara is torn between Jim and Hunter Payoff:

Irony: Setup:

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Outline Requirements

What I learned doing this lesson is that creating the story was necessary to provide me with a better outline rather than just an idea for each scene.

Last Scene:

Start: Dinner is over and we hear Jim’s truck pull on the yard.

Situation: Hunter leaves in a panic, apologizing for having stayed so long.

Conflict: Jim is furious and we can hear snatches of his tongue lashing to Hunter about volunteering to do the work rather than helping the Campions to do it.

Action: Jim punctuates his loudest accusations with backhands to Hunter’s head, pushes, etc. Hunter, head down, gets into the truck and slumps against the door to be as far as possible from Jim.

Finish: The twins flinch, saying Hunter’s in big trouble now, Randi gasps with each smack and Cara looks totally disillusioned and shocked.

DESCRIPTION

With dessert over and Cara having said she’ll stay in Iowa, Hunter and the rest of the family chat amicably until they hear Jim’s truck pull on the yard. Hunter grabs his jacket and school bag in a hurry, apologizing for having stayed so long and not let his dad know where he is.

Jim is halfway to the door before Hunter is out and gives him a verbal tongue lashing as he rousts him back toward the pickup. The Campions can hear snatches that include him not volunteering to help them when they could get the land. They stop at the truck door and Jim punctuates his loudest accusations with backhands to Hunter’s head, pushes, etc. Hunter, head down, gets into the truck and slumps against the door as far away from Jim as possible. The twins flinch saying Hunter’s in big trouble now, Randi gasps with each smack and Cara looks disillusioned and shocked.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Beat Sheet:

What I learned going this assignment is that I did most of this work back in lesson 8 (except for the slug lines) so this was easier than I anticipated. I currently have way to many locations for a pilot and will have to pare that down as I refine the beat sheet.

Show Concept: An LA-based mind control practitioner, Cara, inherits her best friend’s $60M farm and her twins but finds that farming is an asset rich, cash poor big business, not profitable large scale gardening. To preserve the twins’ farm legacy, she must conquer the complex world of modern farming before her mentor, family matriarch Randi, becomes incapacitated by her Alzheimer’s.

Inciting Incident: Cara’s best friend and her soulmate die in a crash and she must abandon her life in LA to become a farmer.

A Story: An LA mind control/intentional medicine practitioner must take over the operation of an Iowa farm and care of twins after the death of her best friend and her husband.

B Story: Colleagues and Competitors: Jim wants to take over the farm by offering to help and the older sister of the dead farmer, Randi, secretly has Alzheimer’s and must hide it as long as possible.

C Story: Cara has to become the sole parent of the 11 year old twins. The twins’ best friend is Jim’s youngest son. Jim’s oldest son looked at the dead farmer’s father as a grandfather and Randi as a favorite and appreciative aunt and doesn’t want them tricked out of their land.

BEAT SHEET

TEASER:

The accident Essence:

EXT. CAMPION FARM – NIGHT

Mike and Mindy leave for a NYE party, Mindy chats with Cara about dreams coming true because of her boyfriend’s impending proposal and her desire for a baby.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Mike and Mindy crash into a train when there are no brakes on their car. (Undeserved misfortune, extreme consequences)

Turning Point: The word “Molly” uttered between Mike and Mindy as they crash. FUTURE: What does Molly’s death have to do with theirs?

ACT 1:

EXT. WALRATH FARM – DAY

(J Beginning): (16 years earlier) Jim and Mike are buddies growing up with Jim’s dad being a mean drunk who impresses on Jim that they need more land and he should marry it. Jim is into Molly for the land and because she is cute, but she is into Mike who she is dating. Mystery: Do farmers really marry for land?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – DAY

Mike goes to college and tries to keep up his relationship with Molly. (Witnessing the pain of others)

INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM – DAY

How Mindy met Mike — how Cara met him first — and talked to Mindy in college about how great Mike was, but he was already taken. FUTURE: Is Cara still in love with Mike?

EXT. WALRATH FARM – EVENING

(J Turning Point 1): Molly refuses Jim until Mike comes home and ditches her.

INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM – EVENING

What happened? Cara was gone 2nd semester and Mindy gloms onto Mike, securing him before Cara returns; Mystery: What is a “mind control and intentional medicine practitioner” and just how powerful are they? FUTURE: Why was Cara gone for a semester?

EXT. MOLLY’S FARM – NIGHT

(J Midpoint:) Molly agrees to marry Jim and he does so for her land. His dad dies soon after.

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY

Randi breaks the news to Mike that Molly is getting married to Jim.

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – MORNING

(J Turning Point 2): Molly has Hunter just 8 months after they marry and he thinks Mike is the biological father. Mystery: Who fathered Hunter?

EXT. PARK – EVENING

Back to last summer – 4th of July picnic after fireworks (R Beginning) Randi loves being the aunt/grandmother to the twins and her matriarchal position on the farm. She’s glad her brothers went back to Alaska. It’s always tense when they’re around. Glad Jim and Molly could come to the picnic. FUTURE: Why is the relationship between Molly, Mike and Jim so tense?

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – NIGHT

Act 1 Turning Point: (J Major Conflict) Jim blows up at Molly and she commits suicide (perhaps only seeing Molly die at the crossing) FUTURE: Was it really suicide?

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – DAY

Funeral scene of people saying they are so sorry — suicide?) Jim is non-committal. She was fine at the picnic. Gabe and Hunter shuffle uncomfortably Mystery: Why did Molly commit suicide? FUTURE: Did Jim kill Molly? Why are the kids uneasy about it?

ACT 2:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Essence: (R Turning Point 1) With harvest starting soon, Randi goes in for her physical and finds out she has Alzheimer’s but the audience doesn’t — just that she has gotten some devastating news. Mystery: What’s wrong with Randi? FUTURE: Randi has Alzheimer’s

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY

(M Turning Point 1) : Something doesn’t seem right about Molly’s death. Mindy and Mike investigate — she was fine at the picnic. What happened? FUTURE: What really happened to Molly.

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Halloween: (R Midpoint, M Midpoint) Randi tells Mindy about her a serious medical problem — makes her promise not to tell Mike or Cara and make Cara take over the farm or Mike’s brothers from Alaska will get it, not the twins as Mike (and

his deceased dad) wants. The audience only hears the promise and fade as Mindy is told. What will Randi’s “problem” mean to the family? FUTURE: What’s wrong with Randi? Why did Mindy comply with Randi’s request? Why isn’t Mike being told?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Mike and Mindy have found something in their investigation — we don’t know what — but they decide not to tell anyone until after the holidays. It’s too late to help Molly now and too close to the holidays for this kind of disruption. FUTURE: What did Mike and Mindy find about Molly’s death?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Mindy convinces Mike to “saddle” Cara, not Randi, with the executor of the farm as well as the kids. Not fair to expect her to stand alone against her brothers. She says “just humor me on this and I’ll explain it all later.” FUTURE: Why Cara and not someone else?

INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – DAY

(C Turning Point 1): At Christmas, Cara is asked to be the executor/guardian of the twins’ estate if anything happens to Mike/Mindy. Mystery: Will Mindy keep her promise to Randi? Mystery: Why do Mike and Mindy want Cara to be their executor when he has Randi and his brothers to choose from?

INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – EVENING

(M Turning Point 2): Mindy talks Cara into it.

INT. CHICAGO HOUSE – MORNING

Mindy gets a premonition about her own death — Jim or Cara? Mindy uses her mind control to try to find out more against Cara’s wishes. Mystery: Are the premonitions real or imagined or a ploy? FUTURE: What is Mind Control and how can it be used?

INT. CAR – DAY

Mystery: Did Mindy use her mind control techniques to get Cara to agree?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Act 2 Turning Point: (M Major Conflict): After returning from Chicago, Mike wants to expose the evidence they have that Molly’s death may not have been a suicide and Mindy reluctantly agrees. It’s NYE and they’re heading out to the party. Cara calls “for luck” on her date with her boyfriend. FUTURE: Why postpone telling people about Molly’s death?

EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

(M Ending) The NY’s Eve accident (again) where Mike and Mindy’s car crashes into the train just as Molly had. FUTURE: Why do Mike and Mindy die in an accident just like Molly’s?

ACT 3:

INT. CARA’S LA APARTMENT – NIGHT

Essence: (C Midpoint) Cara gets a call that Mike and Mindy are dead and she has obligations to the family on NYE. She bails on her boyfriend and he is pissed that she’s leaving for Iowa. (Major loss, marriage/boyfriend at risk) FUTURE: Will Cara make future decisions based on her desire for a family?

INT. CARA’S LA APARTMENT – MORNING

Plans to go to the farm for the funeral and will reading having her assistant cancel/reschedule all her appointments and not having good luck smoothing it out with her boyfriend. She has already decided that she should take the kids back to LA and rent out the farmland. FUTURE: Will Cara give up her dreams for the kids and farm?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING

Arrives at the farm hours before the funeral. Kids are excited to see her, but very sad. Randi glad to finally meet her after all these years of phone chats and hearing about each other. Mystery: Why hasn’t Cara ever been to the farm where her best friend has lived for 12 years?

INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY

Goes to the funeral and meets Jim who she’s heard about for years. He is very charming. Mystery: Are there sparks between recent widower Jim and Cara who has heard about him for 16 years?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Cara broaches the subject of taking the kids to LA when the will is read the day after the funeral. Mystery: Will Cara take the kids back to LA?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Cara talks to Randi about all of the wonderful neighbors who have volunteered to take on the rental land to lighten her load. Randi objects on the grounds of that rental land being part of the twins’ legacy. Mystery: Can Randi talk Cara into staying on the farm? FUTURE: Why won’t Randi accept help from the neighbors?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING

Randi asks if Cara’s boyfriend (she was getting engaged, right?) will move to the farm with her until the twins are of age. Cara says he may not even be her boyfriend any more since she ditched him to come to Iowa when she was pretty sure he was going to propose. Mystery: Will Cara’s boyfriend follow her to the farm? (A reverse Green Acres?)

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – DAY

Act 3 Turning Point: (R Turning Point 2) Randi realizes she has to make Cara stay or risk losing the twins’ legacy that she has promised to pass on to them. FUTURE: Why is this such a mission for Randi?

ACT 4:

EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON

Essence: (R Major Conflict) How can Randi get Cara to stay? Randi explains rental land to Cara and what it means to the farm; FUTURE: Why must farms increase in size or go under?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Cara talks to her boyfriend and he says he will not come to Iowa or do long distance; Kids don’t want to leave the farm; Mystery: Will Cara convince her boyfriend to come to the farm?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Mystery: Can the kids and Randi convince her to stay on the farm? Mystery: What can she do to earn money on the farm? Moving there would be a huge financial hit. FUTURE: Will Cara give up her career or practice here?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

(C Turning Point 2) Cara’s boyfriend breaks up with her — not willing to take on temporary kids/family in LA and certainly not moving to Iowa. She barely has time for him now. She won’t if she’s raising a stranger’s kids.

INT. MOLLY’S FARM – EVENING

(J Ending 1) Jim sees Mike and Molly’s death as a chance to get more land and tells his sons that’s what they must do — find a way to farm Mike and Molly’s land and eventually take over the rental land. Mystery: Will Jim be able to get control of the farm’s land by being “helpful”?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING

Act 4 Turning Point: (C Major Conflict) Randi convinces Cara that a huge part of the kids’ legacy will be gone if she

doesn’t farm for them — Mike’s brothers will come down from Alaska. FUTURE: What’s the story with the Alaska boys?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON

Jim promises Cara he will help with all of the farming. FUTURE: What does Jim have planned for Cara and the farm?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Randi is livid and explains about Molly’s accident/suicide; Mystery: Will Randi’s explanation of Molly’s death convince Cara to stay? Mystery: Why doesn’t Randi tell Cara about her “problem”?

ACT 5:

EXT. CAMPION FARM – MORNING

Randi guilts Cara after looking at her Alzheimer’s diagnosis; Mystery: Why can’t the decision to farm come after Mike’s brothers visit from Alaska in the summer?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – AFTERNOON

The Twins guilt Cara; FUTURE: Will Cara be a real parent to the kids?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – EVENING

Cara does some mind control work and decides she must honor her commitment to Mindy/Mike. Mystery: When Cara is doing mind control work, what is she really doing?

EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – MORNING

Cara thinks about Jim as a replacement for her boyfriend. Mystery: Can Cara find a new boyfriend since her biological clock is ticking loudly?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – MORNING

Act 5 Climax/Turning Point/Lock In: Randi sees that Cara is thinking of Jim as a replacement for the boyfriend (and Mike) she just lost. FUTURE: Why does the thought of Jim and Cara terrify Randi?

EXT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Hunter says he’s helped Mike’s dad and Mike with the equipment for years and can help Cara too; Mystery: What was Hunter’s role on the farm?

INT. CAMPION FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON

(C Ending) Cara opts to stay, out of guilt that she may have caused Mike/Mindy’s accident with her own wish for Mike.

FUTURE: Why is Cara feeling guilty about Mike and Mindy’s deaths?

EXT. CAMPION FARM – CONTINUOUS

Thinks Jim/Hunter will help her and then sees Jim’s violence Act 5 Lock In: Hunter says he’ll help her and Jim is furious with Hunter for “helping” rather than “doing”; Gabe flinches; the twins shudder; Randi gasps; Cara is shocked; FUTURE: Will Cara change her mind?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Setting Up the Future

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had already put most of this in, but I hadn’t spelled it out every time in the outline so it might have gotten lost while I was writing the scenes. I spelled it out now.

Events/Character Reveals/Under-the-surface info

## Randi has Alzheimer’s <div>

## Cara still loved Mike — to death?

## What is this Mind Control/Intentional Medicine that Cara and Mindy use?

** Did Molly commit suicide or did Jim kill her?

** Was Mike and Mindy’s death an accident or murder?

** Will Cara fall for Jim because she is desperate to have a baby?

## What is Hunter’s real relationship to Mike’s family?

** Will Cara be able to farm?

** Why isn’t farming profitable?

** Will the twins’ legacy be maintained?

## Why don’t Mike and Randi want the Alaska brothers to help with the farming?

I’ll Include the ** items in the pilot or ## hint at them.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Adding Empathy/Distress!

What I learned doing this assignment is that with each revision, I find more refinement in the point/focus of each scene and the order of the scenes is becoming clearer — closer to a beat sheet.

I have 3 people dying in my pilot — 2 of Mike’s 3 girlfriends and Mike.

Teaser: Show Mike and his wife as lovely caring and cared about people and whomp! they die.

Act 1: Show how Mike had only 3 women in his life and didn’t marry the love of his life. Show that girlfriend one (Molly) dies of an apparent suicide. Show the relationship of the 3 women to each other and to Mike.

Act 2: Show how Mike and his wife figure out that Molly probably didn’t kill herself and the audience gets to know Mike’s much older sister who gets some awful (but not known to anyone bur her and her doctor) medical news. She confides only in Molly (not the audience) what the awful medical news is and Molly and Mike put girlfriend #3 (Cara, the love of Mike’s life) in charge should anything happen to them. Then, they die in a crash on their way to a New Year’s Eve party before telling anyone what they’ve found out about Molly’s death.

Act 3: Cara, devastated by the death of Mike and his wife (Mindy, her childhood best friend), goes to the funeral, finds out that Mike’s older sister and his twins expect Cara to move to the farm and take Mike and Mindy’s place. She loses her boyfriend and her shot at starting a family of her own because her boyfriend is furious with her about her even suggesting they move to rural Iowa. She meets the man Molly married – Jim, Mike’s best bud from childhood – and finds him a very charming man as he was always described by Mindy, but Mike’s sister is almost panicked at the thought of Cara and Jim together.

Act 4: Randi (Mike’s sister) and the twins launch an all-out campaign to get Cara to move to Iowa and do the farming herself. Cara’s boyfriend dumps her for good and Jim promises to do the farming for her. Randi, furious that the land once rented to or farmed by someone else will be gone from the twins for good, tells Cara about the trouble between Molly and Jim that had brewed for years.

Act 5: Randi, desperately looking at her as yet unshared medical problem, tries to guilt Cara into staying on the farm. The twins, not wanting to lose their home and all their friends after just losing their parents, also guilt her. Jim is looking like a potential new boyfriend for Cara while his son Hunter is offering to help her (he thinks at Jim’s bidding, but Jim is talking about taking over, not ‘helping’) and Cara opts to stay because she thinks her own love for Mike might have caused Mindy’s death and Mike might have gotten killed by accident — more guilt for Cara. Just as she thinks she has a way to satisfy her need for a family and child of her own via the farm and Jim, she witnesses Jim abusing Hunter (more verbal, but hinting at physical) because of his offer to help Cara. Jim’s younger son, Cara, the twins and Randi are all shocked by his implied and verbal violence. Cara immediately wonders if her commitment to stay was a big mistake.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Misleads/Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is that even a scene with a woman talking to her dog can have misleads and reveals in it.

1. Morgan Day

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; and Bold under pressure <div>

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Misleads

Morgan has not put any stamp of her own personality in her husband’s house. She is a trophy wife in every respect, merely arm candy and companionship for her husband who we haven’t met yet. Morgan seems oblivious to it all. </div>

Morgan makes a list and is determined to help Amber after what Bridget told her at the shelter. She remembers the list of things Bridget told her Amber would need even though she didn’t really know what they all entailed, so she’s not stupid, just naive.

<div>

Reveals

Morgan is still more worried about her gala dress than she is about Amber. </div><div>

Morgan is silly and shallow as evidenced by the dog names and her “support” choice of simply giving Amber a book.

SCENE

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

MORGAN enters her husband’s study where she keeps a desk in a corner by a window in the otherwise dark, stately man cave of a room. MORGAN wears light, bright colors and carries her little dog, EVERY.

MORGAN

Now, Every, we told Bridget that we would do something to help Amber. What should we do?

Morgan sets the little dog down and steps to her desk, a small antique secretary with a carefully curated collection of antique writing paraphernalia displayed across the desktop. Carefully taking a seat, she pulls a pad of paper and pen from a drawer.

Every runs into his dog bed a few feet from the desk and lays down.

MORGAN

What can I actually do, Every?

She writes a title on the page: What Amber Needs

Draws a column line down the page next to it and then writes: What I can do

She quickly fills in the left hand column with: Resources, Confidence, Connections, Child Care.

Talking to Every

MORGAN

I have no idea what resources means.

She puts an X in the “What I can do” column next to that one.

MORGAN

Confidence. I can definitely help with that.

She puts a check mark next to that one.

MORGAN

Connections – for what? All I know are writers and designers.

An X goes next to that one.

MORGAN

Child Care. Definitely not that one. Gavin hates kids and, to tell you the truth, Every. I prefer you to kids.

Morgan tosses the pen onto the pad and gets up to pace the room, looking like a lone candle in an otherwise dark room.

MORGAN

Confidence. Confidence. She used to be a seamstress, but now she’s just a mom. No confidence in either of those. Her skills are probably out of date and she’ll have those kids keeping her from making deadlines or working the kind of long hours designers need. There must be something I can compliment her on that would boost her confidence.

She stops to pick up Every and look him in the eye.

MORGAN

What do I do to have more confidence.

She pauses and stares into the little dog’s eyes.

MORGAN

Of course! Waterman! Why didn’t I think of that. I’ll give her my copy and pick up another one tomorrow before class.

She dashes from the room, stopping at the doorway to call back to Every.

MORGAN

Tell Daddy I have a fitting and then guild. Be good!

Every trots after her.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

MORGAN rushes through the opulent, masculine bedroom to a walk in closet that is light, bright and filled with her fashions and feminine paraphernalia. Every follows her.

MORGAN

I’ll give her my book. If Bridget says she needs confidence to leave Daniel, this will give it to her. I know it’s helping me.

She pulls a book from a small stash sedately standing between bookends. The book reads “The Waterman Method”. She slips it into her tote, grabs her purse and keys from a glass tray and exits, smiling and self-satisfied.

She pats Every on the head, picking him up to give him a quick kiss on the top of his head.

MORGAN

It’s good to help people. With a little more confidence, she’ll be fine and I’ll still get my dress for the gala!

She gives the little dog one more kiss and sets him back on the floor. He looks up forlornly at her.

MORGAN

Be good, Every Day! See you later!

Morgan rushes through the bedroom and turns to look back at the little dog. Every sits, then lays right where she set him.

MORGAN

I’m sorry, little guy. You look so bored and lonely. I’m working on getting you a girlfriend. She’ll be Special.

She giggles, goes back and pets Every again.

MORGAN

I’ll have Every Day and Special dogs. Perfect for my lifestyle.

She pats him on the head one more time and rushes from the room.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Crucible

What I learned from doing this assignment was that putting people in a snow globe guarantees they’ll fight endlessly – or until one dies.

Scene essence: Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. Says his reputation will suffer because of her and she would have nothing without him. She whimpers.
Characters:

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits: <div>

Temperamental artist

Insecure

Incredibly good designer

Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving

Gentle

Long-suffering

Fiercely protective of her kids

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive

Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

SCENE

INT. RICHARDS HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING

DANIEL and AMBER sit quietly at the formal dining table, remnants of dessert are at their places. Amber is quietly looking at her plate while Daniel is leaning back in his chair, master of all he sees.

DANIEL

Let’s have coffee in the conservatory.

AMBER

Of course. I’ll fetch it.

She rises from the table, picks up the dessert plates and moves soundlessly to the kitchen.

Daniel stretches out a bit more, languidly surveying th eroom, fixing on Amber’s place at the table.

After a few moments, he abruptly gets up and exits to the conservatory.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONSERVATORY – CONTINUOUS

DANIEL stands at one of the large windows, surveying the grounds, beautifully and subtly backlit. He turns when AMBER enters, carrying a tray with coffee and cups.

Daniel motions to a low table in front of a dainty sofa by the windows. He steps into the center of the room as Amber sets it down.

Standing between Amber and the door to the room, he pins Amber with his gaze when she has deposited the tray on the table.

AMBER

(haltingly)

Would you like something more to go with the coffee?

Daniel pauses a beat.

DANIEL

Come here, dear.

Fear rises in Amber’s eyes, but she moves, zombie-like, toward him in the middle of the room.

She stands, her arms limp at her side, in front of him.

He backhands her to the face and she reels, clutching her cheek.

DANIEL

Don’t you EVER run away to a shelter again and disgrace me in front of my clients.

AMBER

(shrinking away)

I didn’t.

Daniel looms over her.

DANIEL

Do you deny being at a women’s shelter today? Do you?

AMBER

No. Like I told Mrs. Day, I was there to drop off some of the children’s old clothes. They appreciate our children’s nice things so much and it’s a lovely tax deduction for things the kids have grown out of.

Daniel raises his hand again and Amber shrinks further.

DANIEL

Did she ask about the bruises?

Amber shakes her head yes.

DANIEL

And what did you say?

AMBER

(pleading)

I told her that I tripping bringing the kids’ things down the stairs to prep them to donate. She knows how clumsy I am. She totally believed me.

DANIEL

Why wouldn’t she believe you? It’s the truth, isn’t it?

Amber looks everywhere around the room for a response and finally settles on the floor at her feet.

AMBER

Of course it’s the truth.

DANIEL

It’s the truth, alright.

DANIEL

If you try to blame me in any way for your clumsiness, I’ll lose business and you’ll lose all of this. All of it. And if you ever go to that shelter again, I’ll take the kids away from you and throw you out in the gutter and you’ll never see them again.

Amber whimpers, cowering.

Daniel pulls her up by one arm to stand directly in front of him. She dares not look him in the eye.

DANIEL

You will never —

He back hands her face again.

DANIEL

Ever —

He punches her in the gut and she doubles over.

DANIEL

Risk my career and reputation again like that, will you?

He grabs her by the neck and pulls her up to him.

DANIEL

Will you?

AMBER

(whimpering)

No, never. Never.

He lets go of her and she crumples to the floor.

Daniel takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for moment and then relaxes. Stepping to the sofa and table.

DANIEL

Drink your coffee. I know you hate cold coffee.

AMBER

(still whimpering)

Yes, Daniel.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Amazing Setting

What I learned doing this assignment was that setting can easily convey ownership — who’s naturally in the powerful position — in a setting. Who’s world are we in? Who’s naturally the master here? I can use that a lot in my scenes.

BEFORE: <div>

Essence of Scene: Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. Says his reputation will suffer because of her and she would have nothing without him. She whimpers.

<div>

Setting: Generic large home.

AFTER:

New Setting: A beautiful conservatory filled with windows and fragile things. Outside the multitude of windows is a very private yard and beautiful wall separating it from the rest of the world.

How has this improved the scene? It shows that Daniel is master of his environment and unafraid of having anyone see that he is master. He has the privacy and power to do whatever he wants to his wife openly and blatantly (at least within her world — her home).

2. BEFORE:

1. Essence of Scene: Morgan eagerly commits to helping women with Waterman and decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave Daniel so she puts her copy of Waterman in her purse. It will strengthen Amber’s self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

2. Setting: Morgan’s home office.

AFTER:

New Setting: A corner of an elaborately, expensively, classically, masculine living room with dark bookcases, dark furniture, rich textures, etc. She is seated at a small secretary in a well-lit corner of the room.

How has this improved the scene? Again, the setting shows who “owns” the home. In this case, it is Morgan’s very successful writer-husband. The home is/was his before she became his trophy wife and her needs have been sandwiched into his existing home. She’s “window dressing” in this room, his study.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Setup/Payoffs

What I learned doing this assignment was that most of the setups and payoffs occur in subtext.

Characters:

Morgan Day <div>

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure

Curious/Eager to learn

Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist

Insecure

Incredibly good designer

Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

2. Scene choice:

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she cautiously tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns the subject and plots his revenge for Amber’s betrayal, fussing more than ever with his fashions.

Setups:

Mislead the audience: Morgan greets Daniel as usual </div><div>

Foreshadow upcoming events: Daniel is furious internally, but externally just extra-fussy when Morgan tells him about seeing Amber.

Foreshadow upcoming events: Daniel suggests Morgan stop by his house the following evening for a fitting since his days (and hers) are filled.

Payoff: Twist the story in a new direction: The audience fears for Morgan if she goes to his home.

Payoff: Foreshadow upcoming events: Morgan gladly accepts the invitation so she can see Amber again.

SCENE:

INT. DANIEL’S DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

MORGAN enters the studio with a large tote.

MORGAN

(brightly)

Ready for my fitting!

Daniel rushes to her and they do mutual fake kisses to both cheeks.

DANIEL

Right this way, Morgan darling. Be very careful putting this on. It’s only basted at this point.

Daniel shows her to a curtained dressing room at one end of his studio.

MORGAN

Of course. Strapless or adjustable straps.

DANIEL

Darling, you could go braless if you wanted to, but I recommend the full support strapless since the gala lasts forever.

They chat while Morgan is changing.

MORGAN

I saw Amber at the shelter while I was dropping off some of Gavin’s old clothes.

Daniel freezes mid-stride.

DANIEL

(studied nonchalance)

Really? What was she doing there?

MORGAN

She said she was dropping off some of the baby’s old things. She’s so kind and thoughtful.

Daniel relaxes a bit, but cold hatred settles on his face.

DANIEL

That she is. I hope you exchanged pleasantries. You’ve always been her favorite client of mine.

MORGAN

(good naturedly)

Only hers?

DANIEL

And mine, of course. Now come out here and let me see you.

Morgan steps out in a partially finished dress full of drama and shimmering fabric that is perfect for her figure. She stands in front of a three-way mirror and Daniel steps behind her, looking at her in the mirrors over her shoulder.

MORGAN

I’m not sure about having my left shoulder bare.

Daniel fusses with the fabric, seams, etc. As they chat and Morgan fingers various points on the dress as well.

DANIEL

It’s the traditional bare shoulder, my dear, and you wouldn’t want people to think you had some kind of deformity that demanded use of the other shoulder.

MORGAN

No, of course not, but Gavin always puts his arm around me and his left hand has always been holding his drink so it’s always cold and damp.

DANIEL

Well you must tell him to shake hands with his left or you’ll shrink away from him when he tries to pull you in close.

Morgan considers it, then chuckles.

MORGAN

You know how absurd that sounds, don’t you?

DANIEL

Please, don’t tell me that your adoring husband doesn’t do everything his beautiful trophy wife asks him to do?

Morgan stiffens at the term trophy wife.

MORGAN

He’s wonderfully accommodating.

They both stop fussing with the dress and Daniel stands partially behind her looking at her in the mirror, her demeanor visibly colder than moments before.

DANIEL

Can you come by tomorrow morning?

Daniel steps to his appointment book.

DANIEL

No, I’m booked all day tomorrow. How about tomorrow night at eight. Can you stop by the house?

Morgan is enthusiastic.

MORGAN

Yes, of course. It will give me a chance to see Amber and the kids again.

Daniel grimaces, but jots a note in his book.

DANIEL

I’m sure she’ll be putting the kids to bed by then, but I’ll give her your best.

MORGAN

Oh, I’m sorry. She’s such a gem. You’re very lucky to have her.

A bell tinkles at the front of the design studio to signal someone entering.

DANIEL

So lucky. We’ll see you tomorrow. My next fitting is here so just leave the dress in the room.

Daniel eyes shoot daggers at Morgan as she steps into the dressing room.

Morgan turns to close the curtain and Daniel immediately smiles. She smiles tentatively at him, then pulls the curtain.

Hatred returns to Daniel’s face.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Twists

What I learned doing this assignment is I’ll need to leave plenty of room in scenes for twists as they take up a little real estate in a script beyond what it would take to simply tell the beginning, middle and end of a scene.

Characters: <div>

Morgan Day

<div>

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure

Curious/Eager to learn

Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

B. Bridget (Shelter Operator)

A. Basic Character Traits:

Down to Earth

Rigid

Wary

Older so automatically wiser

B. Subtext Character Traits: Pompous, Motherly

C. Logline: Bridget runs a shelter because she knows how to help women be more independent. Her biggest problem is knowing what help abused women really need, but not being able to provide it.

D. Possible areas of subtext: Assumes she knows better than the other book club members what Amber and other abused women need. Feels she understands life better than any other member of the club.

SCENE

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

MORGAN, a concerned look on her face, follows BRIDGET into her office.

MORGAN

I hope she doesn’t have any complications from her fall. Daniel would surely want to be there if she lands in the hospital and the gala is the end of next week. He has so many dresses to finish.

BRIDGET, fifty-something, sturdy, in a no-nonsense suit, looks appalled.

BRIDGET

You realize she’s here because Daniel did that to her.

MORGAN

No, she said she fell down the stairs.

Bridget gives her a cold, hard stare until she realizes.

MORGAN

No, he would never do that. He’s too busy with his work.

Bridget gives her a quizzical look.

MORGAN

(incredulous)

You’re not saying he did that to her.

Bridget sits down at her desk.

BRIDGET

Who else would do something like that and not be arrested?

MORGAN

But she can’t have him arrested. He has so many dresses, including mine, to finish for the gala.

BRIDGET

Do you have any idea how that sounds?

Morgan considers.

MORGAN

It sounds like you don’t really care about Daniel’s business. He’s a rising star, you know.

BRIDGET

And it sounds like you don’t care if he abuses his wife.

Morgan flings herself back in her chair.

MORGAN

Would she be sitting out there, donating kids clothes to a shelter if she was being abused? That’s ridiculous.

BRIDGET

What’s ridiculous is that you believed her when she said that’s what she’s doing here.

Morgan is unconvinced.

BRIDGET

She came here while she decided what she would do once she had Daniel arrested. She didn’t like her options so she’s dropped the charges.

MORGAN

So I won’t need to find a new designer?

Bridget heaves a sigh.

BRIDGET

I was hoping you’d want to help Amber, but all you care about is dresses. I’m disappointed.

MORGAN

You really believe Daniel did this?

BRIDGET

It’s not the first time. And it’s not the first time she’s felt like she didn’t have any options other than going back to him.

MORGAN

(baffled)

But she’s a seamstress in her own right. She could work anywhere.

BRIDGET

She needs more than I can give her here. She needs resources, confidence, connections, child care. You name it, she needs it.

A light goes on for Morgan.

MORGAN

(contemplating)

I see. I’ll see what I can do, Bridget.

BRIDGET

Good girl.

MORGAN

See you at guild?

BRIDGET

See you at guild.

Morgan brightens.

BRIDGET

I’m spinning some fabulous silk. Wait ’til you see it.

MORGAN

I’m working with some beautiful silk/yak mix. And it’s my favorite color. See you tonight!

Morgan leaves the office, a little brighter. Bridget shakes her head in disappointment.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dramatic Irony

What I learned doing this assignment is that irony rarely shows up in one contained scene unless someone enters the scene after the disclosure has taken place. In this case, my irony is heightened by the fact that my victim has to play advocate for her abuser.

Morgan Day <div>

Basic Character Traits:

<div>

Insecure

Curious/Eager to learn

Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving

Gentle

Long-suffering

Fiercely protective of her kids

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive

Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

SCENE

This is the 3rd scene of the screenplay. In Scene 1, we see Amber get beaten by her husband for not having the kids in bed by the time he got home from work. In Scene 2, we see Morgan disappointed when her mind control classmates figure out that she is a famous author’s trophy wife.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

MORGAN enters the women’s shelter with an armload of dresses in hanging bags. A woman follows her with an armload of shoe boxes and a tote with purses in it.

Morgan drapes her bags over the back of a chair in the lobby.

MORGAN

I’ll just let Bridget know I’ve brought in a few things.

AMBER sits on a sofa in a waiting area, her back to the office. She has a bruise on one cheek, on her wrists and on her neck. She recognizes Morgan’s voice and pulls her kids closer, sinking down into the sofa to hide herself.

One of the kids pops up over the top of the sofa to squeal at the sound of Morgan’s voice.

AMBER

(whispers)

Shush! Sit down.

Morgan does a double take toward the couch and recognizes a bracelet on Amber’s wrist as Amber grabs the toddler and pulls the child down next to her.

MORGAN

That’s a Daniel Richards original. I just brought in a dress that would look fabulous with that. Let me find it for you —

Morgan rushes to the couch and draws back in shock when she sees it’s Amber.

MORGAN

(abashed)

You have to promise me you won’t tell Daniel that I donated that beautiful black silk dress he made for me two years ago.

Amber waves her away.

AMBER

No problem. I won’t tell him.

MORGAN

I just think it’s better to let someone else wear these beautiful

MORGAN

styles than to let them sit in my closet, you know?

She draws closer to Amber and spots the bruises on Amber’s wrist and neck as Amber tries to hide the bruise on her cheek with her hand.

MORGAN

Oh dear, what happened? Were you mugged?

Morgan sits on the couch next to one of the kids and leans in close to Amber to speak to her quietly.

AMBER

No, no, of course not. I was carrying too many things at once — staging them to bring here — and, and tripped on my way down the stairs.

MORGAN

I’m so sorry. Let me see. Have you seen a doctor? Those bruises look awful. What did Daniel say? Did he take you to the ER?

Amber shoos her back.

AMBER

Daniel knows I’m fine. I am. I was just clumsy and trying to carry too much at one time. I’m fine.

Amber looks away. Morgan cocks her head a little as she ponders, then has an insight.

MORGAN

Good god! Daniel didn’t do that, did he?

Amber blushes, shifts quickly, puts a smile on her face.

AMBER

No, I told you, I fell. I’m fine. Daniel would never hit a woman.

(looking down quickly and then back up to face Morgan fully)

I’m here donating, just like you. And you’d better not tell Daniel you saw me here either.

Morgan is puzzled. Amber pulls her sleeve over her wrist when she sees Morgan glance at it.

AMBER

He thinks I sell all our old things, but I bring them here. Especially the kids’ clothes. People here always need those.

Morgan looks a little relieved.

MORGAN

Of course. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Morgan continues to stare at Amber’s bruises. Bridget comes out of her office and spots Morgan.

BRIDGET

Morgan, dear! Come in. I’ll give you a receipt for all these wonderful clothes.

Bridget leads Morgan to her office and nods sympathetically to Amber as she does so.

Morgan looks over her shoulder at Amber and waves quickly, shrugging as though she’d like to talk more, but has to go.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Conflict

What I learned doing this assignment is that creating tension and mystery is often the work of subtext in a scene where outwardly there is little obvious conflict.

SCENE from The Empowerment Club

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

MORGAN DAY, beautifully dressed in classic, upscale style has no hint of entitlement or snobbery about her.

WINNIE, 30’s, businesswear, trendy jewelry, follows Morgan. Zelda, college student chic, well-worn backpack and hair pulled back casually follows.

They leave a corporate conference/class room where a prof is gathering his items from the desk, chatting congenially as they walk.

MORGAN

I am loving this class. What are you going to use it for?

WINNIE

I’m going to make my ex-boyfriend grovel to get me back.

Morgan stops and turns back with alarm.

MORGAN

But you can’t use the Waterman Method to harm someone. You can’t use any mind control method to harm someone. It’ll come back on you.

Zelda and Winnie share a bemused glance.

ZELDA

They just tell you that so they don’t get sued. You can use it for whatever you want.

Morgan is taken aback.

WINNIE

What are you going to use it for?

Morgan considers, shakes her head.

MORGAN

Oh, you know, aches and pains Maybe boost my confidence a little. Certainly nothing like you’re talking about.

Zelda gives her a goodnatured nudge.

ZELDA

You’re gorgeous, and you’re already confident.

MORGAN

(ruefully)

I am when I’m a student, but not when I’m playing hostess. Then I’m a wreck.

WINNIE

Your last name’s Day, right?

Morgan stiffens slightly.

MORGAN

Yes.

WINNIE

Are you Gavin Day’s daughter?

Morgan relaxes.

MORGAN

The writer? No, afraid not. I love his books, though.

WINNIE

Me, too. Have you ever met him?

MORGAN

Have you? How about you, Zelda?

ZELDA

No. He was doing a reading at the big bookstore on 6th, but the line was around the block so I didn’t bother. Have you met him?

MORGAN

I have. He’s as nice as he seems on the talk shows.

Winnie spies Morgan’s showy wedding ring. Stops cold, and puts her hand on Morgan’s arm.

WINNIE

Wait a minute. You’re his wife, not his daughter.

Morgan, obviously irritated and disappointed.

MORGAN

Busted. See you guys next week.

Morgan, head down slightly, steps briskly away.

ZELDA

Wait, what’s he like in real life?

WINNIE

When’s his next book coming out? Do you get to read them before they’re published?

Morgan ignores them.

ZELDA

Can you get me a sneak peek?

Stone-faced but with a forced smile, Morgan turns.

MORGAN

See you next week.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dramatic Choices

What I learned doing this assignment is drama and humor are a little harder to sort out. Since I’m writing (mostly) stories with comedy and drama, often the drama is subjugated to the humor in a scene but is still conveyed to create empathy.

Movie: Just Go With It

OPENING

1. Guests gather for a wedding with an ecstatic bride and the groom’s sister fawning over the bride only to be dissed after she leaves the room for her nose and the groom’s nose with the groom listening in.

2. The bride admits she cheated on the groom the night before – again!

3. Danny and his cousin are shocked and he leaves instead of getting married.

4. Danny finds his wedding ring are a chick magnet and he lies about his marriage for the first time.

5. In V.O., he tells how he uses the ring to get dates, got his nose fixed and continued to use the ring to get chicks even if he knows it’s wrong because he doesn’t want to get his heart broken again.

6. Katherine rejects booby bags and the easy relationship and her efficiency is humorous here.

7. A patient with a bad eyebrow experience gets made fun of a little, and he will fix it in the end.

8. Cousin Eddy confesses he doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. It’s embarrassing, but not unexpected.

9. Having had too much plastic surgery that Danny refuses to touch hosts a party.

10. Danny takes his ring off when treating a kid who hurt himself when distracted by a beauty and Danny empathizes.

11. Danny is fascinated by Palmer in an honest way for once.

12. Danny points out his work to try to impress Palmer

13. Danny and Palmer end up on the beach, but he doesn’t use his “I’m married to a horrible woman” ploy to get her. This is different and real for him.

14. Palmer can tell when he’s lying and when he’s telling the truth – according to her.

15. Danny admits to Palmer that this is the real thing and then she finds his wedding ring and he loses her.

16. Katherine sympathizes with Danny, but also says “I told you so”. She empathizes with him. 17. Katherine’s kids come in and their babysitter situation and goals are expressed and Danny likes the kids and parents well.

18. A Devlin is explained and Katherine opens up about her nemesis. Danny asks for Katherine’s help in getting Palmer back.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Open Loops and Mysteries

What I learned doing this assignment is I had the hooks for all of these in my scenes, but hadn’t spelled most of them out. This will ensure I include them as I outline.

Main Mystery: Why did Mike and Mindy die?

Sub Mysteries:

1. Who wanted them dead? <div>

2. Is Cara so powerful that she did it with her mental powers?

3. Who benefits from their death?

4. Was it an accident or was their death murder?

5. Did Jim do this to cover up his murder of Molly?

Main Open Loop:

1. Was Cara so jealous she wished them to death? </div><div>

2. Why did all three die at the same railroad tracks?

3. Was Molly’s death a suicide or murder?

4. Were there any witnesses to these deaths?

5. Who wrote Molly’s suicide note?

These were really series questions and I wouldn’t want to blow them all out there in the 1st episode with no background. Mike, Mindy and Molly die in the first episode. We know that something is wrong with Randi, but aren’t sure what. Looking at what I was already considering in the 1st episode, I would go with some more elementary sub mysteries:

Act 1:

1. What is a “mind control and intentional medicine practitioner” and just how powerful are they? </div><div>

2. Do farmers really marry for land?

3. Who fathered Hunter?

4. What’s wrong with Randi?

5. Why did Molly commit suicide?

Act 2:

1. What will Randi’s Alzheimer’s mean to the family? </div><div>

2. Will Mindy keep her promise to Randi?

3. Why do Mike and Mindy want Cara to be their executor when he has Randi and his brothers to choose from?

4. Did Mindy use her mind control techniques to get Cara to agree?

5. Are the premonitions real or imagined or a ploy?

Act 3:

1. Why hasn’t Cara ever been to the farm where her best friend has lived for 12 years? </div><div>

2. Will Cara take the kids back to LA?

3. Will Cara’s boyfriend follow her to the farm? (a reverse Green Acres?)

4. Are there sparks between recent widower Jim and Cara who has heard about him for 16 years?

5. Can Randi talk Cara into staying on the farm?

Act 4:

1. Will Cara convince her boyfriend to come to the farm? </div><div>

2. Can the kids and Randi convince her to stay on the farm?

3. What can she do to earn money on the farm?

4. Moving there would be a huge financial hit
Will Jim be able to get control of the farm’s land by being “helpful”?

5. Will Randi’s explanation of Molly’s death convince Cara to stay?

Act 5:

1. Can Cara find a new boyfriend/husband since her biological clock is ticking loudly? </div><div>

2. What was Hunter’s role on the farm?

3. When Cara is doing mind control work, what is she really doing?

4. Why doesn’t Randi tell Cara about her Alzheimer’s?

5. Why can’t the decision to farm come after Mike’s brothers visit from Alaska in the summer?

I’ve decided to add all of these to my Pilot.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Stacks Intrigue

What I learned doing this assignment is that stepping through this helps me put into words, the more subtle hints/clues I had in mind when designing the acts and turning points so I won’t forget to include them in the actual scenes.

Turning Points and Intrigue leading up to them:

ACT 1

Accusation: Jim accuses Molly of hiding that Hunter is Mike’s son, not Jim’s.

Wound: Jim believes Molly always and still loved Mike.

Strange Behavior: Molly stays with abusive Jim.

Act 1: Turning Point: Act 1 Turning Point: (J Major Conflict) Jim blows up at Molly and she commits suicide (perhaps only seeing Molly die at the crossing and then the funeral scene of people saying they are so sorry — suicide?)

ACT 2

Strange Behavior: Mindy finds the suicide note while helping Gabe with homework and sends a copy to herself.

Accusation: Mike and Mindy conjecture that Jim wrote the note. What does that mean happened to Molly?

Intrigue: Mike and Mindy don’t believe Molly would have committed suicide.

Hidden Layer: Mindy gets premonition of her own death

Conspiracy: Mike and Mindy decide to wait until after the holidays to expose that Molly didn’t commit suicide

Act 2: Turning Point: (M Major Conflict): Mike wants to expose the evidence they have that Molly’s death may not have been a suicide and Mindy reluctantly agrees.

(M Ending) The NY’s Eve accident where Mike and Mindy’s car crashes into the train just as Molly had.

ACT 3

Intriguing World: Farm funeral customs/offers are foreign to outsiders.

Secret: Randi has Alzheimer’s and no one alive knows

Wound: Cara loved Mike and he loved her before he met Mindy. Cara was cheated out of Mike by Mindy

Deception: Offers of help are veiled offers to take over farmland from the Campions

Mystery: Why are Randi (and Mike) so dead set against the Alaska brothers getting the farmland?

Act 3: Act 3 Turning Point: (R Turning Point 2) Randi realizes she has to make Cara stay or risk losing the twins’ legacy that she has promised to pass on to them.

ACT 4

Strange Behavior: Randi insists that Cara must stay in farm but doesn’t reveal her reason is her Alzheimer’s

Accusation: Jim is not to be trusted/relied on.

Conspiracy: Farm funeral customs/offers are explained to Cara by Randi

Act 4: Act 4 Turning Point: (C Major Conflict) Randi convinces Cara that a huge part of the kids’ legacy will be gone if she doesn’t farm for them — Mike’s brothers will come down from Alaska.

Jim has promised that he will help Cara with all of the farming Randi is livid and explains about Molly’s accident/suicide;

ACT 5

Mystery: Randi is adamant with Cara that Jim is not a good guy for her to consider as a baby-daddy

Hidden Agenda: Cara wonders if her love for Mike had something to do with Mike and Mindy’s death — after all, she had just signed the legal docs and Mindy always kept Mike away from her.

Wound: Cara never stopped loving Mike — that’s why she’s still single

Act 5: Act 5 Climax/Turning Point/Lock In: Cara does some mind control work and decides she must honor her commitment to Mindy/Mike and thinks about Jim as a replacement for her boyfriend.

( C Ending) Cara opts to stay, out of guilt that she may have caused Mike/Mindy’s accident with her own wish for Mike. Thinks Jim/Hunter will help her and then sees Jim’s violence

Act 5 Lock In: Hunter says he’ll help her and Jim is furious with Hunter; Gabe flinches; the twins shudder; Randi gasps; Cara is shocked;

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Layers and Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is that doing this analysis gives me specific points I need to make in my scenes/acts.

Act 1

Deeper Layer Reveals <div>

Mindy takes Mike from Cara —

Surface cover up — Mindy and Cara are best friends.

Disruption – Mindy takes Mike while Cara is away for a semester (someone dying?)

Reveal — Mindy isn’t particularly altruistic.

Jim doesn’t/can’t cut Mike out regarding Molly. He is an honorable guy.

New Information Reveals

1. Jim marries for money —

Jim is yelled at by his mean drunk father that they need more land

A. Jim likes Molly, but Molly likes Mike so he accepts that.

B. Mike goes to college, but Molly refuses to go too.

C. Jim’s dad tells him to marry Molly for her land.

D. Jim befriends, but doesn’t woo Molly.

E. Mike breaks up with Molly after meeting Cara.

F. Jim, still Molly’s friend, but primarily for the land, marries Molly on the rebound at Christmas.

G. Jim’s dad dies soon after the wedding.

H. Molly has Hunter just 8 months after they marry and he thinks Mikes is the biological father.

2. Molly dies: 16 years later (6 months ago) —

1. Hunter comes home from the Campions, late for supper.

2. Jim lights into him about hanging out with Mike, he says he was helping Randi with her mower.

3. Molly sticks up for Hunter and accidentally says that Hunter never helps Mike, only Randi.

4. Jim gets angry with her after Hunter goes in to get cleaned up and he slaps Molly. She says, “No more” and runs out, getting in her car.

5. Jim goes after her, apologizing, saying he won’t do it again and she takes off at high speed.

6. Molly runs into a train, panicked.

7. Funeral scene — Molly’s picture is on the casket, friends ask, “Suicide? He says yes, Hunter and Gabe are crying.

Act 2:

Deeper Layer Reveals

Mindy is worried that Cara would use mind control to bump her off so she could have Mike: </div><div>

Surface Cover up — They are still best friends and Mindy is leaving her kids and their inheritance in Cara’s care if anything happens to her

Disruption — Mindy is having premonitions of her own death

Reveal — Mindy believes Cara is desperate enough to wish her dead in order to get Mike.

New Information Reveals

Randi has Alzheimer’s – </div><div>

A. Randi gets a doctor’s report that she has Alzheimer’s and is devastated.

B. Randi confesses it to Mindy and makes her promise not to tell anyone — even Mike and Cara. Mindy promises.

C. Randi makes Mindy promise to change the will from Randi being the twins’ guardian to Cara — and give her control of the farm as well, rather than Randi.

D. Mindy does as she is asked and convinces Cara.

2. Mike gathers evidence that Molly’s death wasn’t a suicide

1. Mike feels suicide is not something Molly would have done.

2. Mike was helping Molly plan to get away from Jim.

3. Mindy finds the suicide note on the computer and reads the actual note — not at all in Molly’s style — very much in Jim’s

4. They decide to wait until after the holidays to pursue it.

5. They die in the accident the same way Molly did.

Act 3:

Deeper Layer Reveals

Cara takes her role of guardian seriously: </div><div>

A. Surface Cover-Up — At the holidays, Cara is the fun “aunt”.

B. Disruption — Mike and Mindy are killed and Cara is devastated.

C. Reveal — Cara must change her role with the twins from fun aunt to parent and determines to take them to LA.

New Information Reveals:

Cara has heard a lot about these people over the years, but has not met them in person. </div><div>

A. Cara meets Randi who is as grief-stricken as she is about Mike and Mindy

B. Cara meets people at the funeral.

C. Cara and Randi are approached by neighbors about renting the land and Randi says it’s much to early to even consider that.

D. Cara meets Jim and is impressed/drawn to him
Cara meets Hunter and sees his deep grief about losing Mike.

2. Randi realizes she has to make Cara stay on the farm.

A. Cara and Randi hear pitches to rent their land or take over the farming for the season from several people.

B. Randi dismisses the pitches, but Cara thinks they should consider them.

C. Randi overhears Cara talking to the twins about moving to LA

D. Randi remembers her conversations with Mike and Mindy about keeping the farm intact for the kids and not letting her Alaska sons get it as they (and Mike’s dad) want it

Act 4:

Deeper Layer Reveals:

Jim sees Mike and Molly’s death as a chance to get more land </div><div>

A. Surface Cover Up: Jim feels out Cara about renting the land and she seems amenable. Now he has to work on Randi

B. Disruption: Jim enlists his sons to work on Randi

C. Reveal: Jim promises Randi and Cara that he will help Cara by doing all of the stuff Mike used to do. Randi is livid

New Information Reveals:

Cara plants to take the kids to LA because she wants to have kids with her boyfriend. </div><div>

A. Cara can’t stay because she has a practice and boyfriend in LA.

B. Randi Explains rental land to Cara

C. Cara’s boyfriend will not do long distance or move to Iowa

D. Cara is torn, but the kids don’t want to leave the farm either.

E. Randi explains about her sons in Alaska and her promise to Mike and his dad.

F. Cara realizes she has to stay.
Cara’s LA boyfriend breaks up with her when he learns her decision.

Act 5:

Deeper Layer Reveals:

Cara admits to herself that she did envy Mindy and questions if it was enough to have caused Mindy’s death </div><div>

A. Surface Cover Up: Cara is heartbroken about Mike and Mindy.

B. Disruption: Randi mentions that Jim will not replace Mike – or her boyfriend in LA. Cara wonders if Randi knows how jealous she was of Mindy having Mike and does some mind control work to find out.

C. Reveal: Cara’s work reveals that she may have wished Mindy dead and she is devastated/guilty.

New Information Reveals:

Jim is violent to his boys </div>

A. Hunter says he can help Cara with the equipment since he’s always helped Mike and his dad.

B. Cara considers Jim as a Mike/boyfriend replacement

C. Hunter tells Randi and Cara that he’ll help them to keep the farm going for the rest of the season and beyond if they want.

D. As they leave, Jim is furious at Hunter for helping them rather than convincing them to turn the farm over to the Walraths.

E. Cara is shocked when Jim’s fury causes Hunter, Gabe and the twins to flinch and back away in fear. Randi sees she can use Jim’s violence to help her manage Cara.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange

What I learned rewriting this scene is that it is very helpful to have a checklist.

SCENE

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL RICHARDS, early 40s, fashion designer extraordinaire, drives a posh car up to the gates of his posh home. He takes a phone call while punching in his code. He is solicitous and caring.

DANIEL

Lola, dear, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your dress fits perfectly, right?

LOLA

It’s lovely, but there is a problem — nothing big, but I’m sure you can fix it before the awards show on Thursday.

Daniel pulls into the driveway with concern on his face and helpful conciliation in his voice.

DANIEL

Whatever is wrong, my dear?

LOLA

Terrence has picked a different tie. You’ll have to re-dye my dress – and the shoes and clutch, of course, but you should have plenty of time – it’s three days.

(triumphantly)

You’ll be delighted to know I’m wearing diamonds so I won’t have to change my jewelry.

Daniel clutches the steering wheel as he parks the car in front of the house. Brightly

DANIEL

That’s wonderful. What color is the new tie?

LOLA

Green. A lovely shade. I’m sure you can match it.

Daniel clenches his teeth, but his voice is still smooth and sweet.

DANIEL

Yes, Lola, dear. I’m sure I can match it. Send me the tie, dear.

LOLA

I’ll have my chauffeur drop it off in the morning.

Lola clicks off and Daniel glares at the phone.

DANIEL

You stupid bitch. I can’t dye a red dress green.

Dictating a message on his phone.

DANIEL

Message to Tara. See if we have enough of the white silk to remake Lola’s dress. Get another pair of shoes and a clutch to dye too. She’ll send the new color tie – green, this time – in the morning.

He pushes the button to send the message and exits his car. He stops before opening the door to the house, closes his eyes and takes a long, relaxing breath.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

To one side, the dining room is set for a romantic dinner for two.

On the home’s elaborate staircase, AMBER RICHARDS, late 20’s, beautiful, dressed for dinner, but herding a 4-year-old, DAN JUNIOR and a 2-year-old, ALICE, up the first couple of stairs. She turns, startled, then afraid, when she hears the door opening.

DANIEL enters, looks quickly at the dining room and smiles. Then he sees Amber and the kids on the stairs and is immediately furious.

DANIEL

You idiot! You know the kids are supposed to be in bed by seven-thirty and it’s seven-

He quickly glances at his phone.

DANIEL

thirty-one.

Amber quickly puts Alice’s hand in Dan’s and waves them up the stairs. Alice balks at leaving Amber.

Amber looks back at Daniel, positioning herself in Daniel’s line of sight to the kids.

AMBER

I’m so sorry, Daniel. I heard you at the gate as I was taking the kids up, but thought I should put your dinner on the table before I saw to them since I knew you’d want your dinner. It will only take me a second to get them upstairs. They’re ready for bed, you see.

Daniel steps briskly to the stairs and slaps Amber hard on the face.

DANIEL

They should already be up there. You know that.

(slap)

How many times do I have to tell you before you do as I ask?

Daniel hits her arm with his fist and Amber falls back against the stairs. Alice cries and Dan Junior tries unsuccessfully to shush her. Amber glances at them in fear, struggles to get up off the step and away from the stairs to take the kids out of Daniel’s line of sight again.

AMBER

Your dinner is on the table. A beautiful steak, just the way you like it. And –

Daniel slaps her face again.

DANIEL

Shut up and stop making excuses.

Daniel storms to the dining room and Amber turns to motion the kids, both crying now, as they trudge up the stairs.

She watches Daniel for a moment to be sure he’s not turning back to her and then rushes up the stairs, picking up Alice and grabbing Dan Junior’s hand to move them more quickly.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MINUTES LATER

DANIEL is smiling as he works on his steak and wine when AMBER comes into the room, a smile on her face, slap marks bright pink.

DANIEL

The steak is excellent. You’re a good cook. Please, sit.

Daniel half-stands as he motions Amber to her chair. Amber, abashedly flattered, moves to her seat.

DANIEL

Let me get you some wine.

AMBER

(smiling)

Thank you, dear.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Ad for an A-List Actor

What I learned is focusing on showing character at every turn makes the scene more interesting, the character interactions more vivid and cuts extraneous lines.

Daniel Richards <div>

Interesting Situation – Daniel makes nice with a ridiculous client and her irrational demands and then takes his frustration out on his wife and kids

Insight — We see that he has two personas — fabulously accommodating and successful designer and despotic abuser

Action and Description — He takes a call as he’s nearing his driveway, is extremely submissive and agreeable to the client’s absurd demands, mutters to himself that he’ll be doubling the cost, smiles to himself, opens the door and sees his wife just taking the kids upstairs and loses it, hits her, yells at the toddler and 4-year-old for crying, slaps his wife because she can’t get them to stop, goes to the table and sits down to the beautiful dinner she has set out for him, smiling and humming to himself and then smiling and being very nice to her when she takes her seat opposite him.

SCENE

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, drives a posh car up to the gates of his posh home. He takes a phone call while punching in his code.

DANIEL

Lola, dear, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your dress fits perfectly, right?

LOLA

It’s lovely, but there is a problem — nothing big, but I’m sure you can fix it before the awards show on Thursday.

Daniel pulls into the driveway with concern on his face and helpful conciliation in his voice.

DANIEL

Whatever is wrong, my dear?

LOLA

Terrence has picked a different tie. You’ll have to re-dye my dress – and the shoes and clutch, of course, but you should have plenty of time – it’s three days.

Daniel clutches the steering wheel as he parks the car in front of the house.

DANIEL

What color is the new tie?

LOLA

Green. A lovely shade. I’m sure you can match it.

Daniel clenches his teeth, but his voice is still smooth and sweet.

DANIEL

Yes, Lola, dear. I’m sure I can match it. Send me the tie, dear.

LOLA

I’ll have my chauffeur drop it off in the morning.

Lola clicks off and Daniel glares at the phone.

DANIEL

You stupid bitch. I can’t dye a red dress green.

To his phone

DANIEL

Message to Tara. See if we have enough of the white silk to remake Lola’s dress. Get another pair of shoes and a clutch to dye too. She’ll send the new color tie – green, this time – in the morning.

He pushes the button to send the message and exits his car. He stops before opening the door, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, relaxes, and steps in.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

To one side, the dining room is set for a romantic dinner for two.

On the home’s elaborate staircase, AMBER RICHARDS, late 20’s, beautiful, dressed for dinner, but herding a 4-year-old, DAN JUNIOR and a 2-year-old, ALICE, up the first couple of stairs. She turns, startled, then afraid, when she hears the door opening.

DANIEL enters, looks quickly at the dining room and smiles. Then he sees Amber and the kids on the stairs and is immediately furious.

DANIEL

You idiot! You know the kids are supposed to be in bed by seven-thirty and it’s seven-thirty-one.

Amber quickly puts Alice’s hand in Dan’s and waves them up the stairs. Alice balks at leaving Amber

AMBER

I’m so sorry, Daniel. I heard you at the gate as I was taking the kids up, but thought I should put your dinner on the table first. It will only take me a second to get them upstairs. They’re all ready for bed.

Daniel rushes to the stairs and slaps Amber hard on the face.

DANIEL

They should already be up there. You know that

DANIEL

(slap)

How many times do I have to tell you before you do as I ask?

Daniel hits her arm with his fist and Amber falls back against the stairs. Alice cries and Dan tries unsuccessfully to shush her. Amber glances at them in fear and struggles to get up off the step and away from the stairs to take the focus off the kids.

AMBER

I was halfway up the stairs when you got to the gate. Your dinner is on the table. A beautiful steak, just the way you like it. And –

Daniel slaps her face again.

DANIEL

Shut up and stop making excuses.

Daniel storms to the dining room and Amber turns to motion the kids, both crying now, up the stairs.

She watches Daniel for a moment to be sure he’s not turning back to her and then rushes up the stairs, picking up Alice and grabbing Dan’s hand to get them moving more quickly.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MINUTES LATER

DANIEL is smiling as he works on his steak and wine when AMBER comes into the room, a smile pasted to her face, slap marks bright pink.

DANIEL

The steak is excellent. You’re a good cook. Please, sit.

Daniel half-stands as he motions Amber to her chair with loving politeness.

DANIEL

Let me get you some wine.

AMBER

(smiling)

Thank you, dear.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue on The Attack!

What did I learn doing this assignment? I learned that keeping a dialogue interesting to viewers must include keeping the thrust and parry going throughout.

Characters:

Morgan Day – Insecure, Curious/Eager to learn, Perfectionist, Bold under pressure. Subtext is Intimidated and Crafty

Gavin Day — Cool, Determined, Domineering, Proud. Subtext is Lonely, Insecure.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

MORGAN DAY, beautiful, high fashion couture, sits at her writing desk in a nook of an elegantly furnished living room. Absorbed in a Waterman Method book, she is taking notes, pondering and then writing again.

GAVIN DAY, quintessential successful author, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, relaxes on a rich leather couch.

Gavin switches off the TV.

GAVIN
What have you been working on all night?

MORGAN
I’m trying to help Richard’s wife.

Trying to give her the courage and strength to leave that monster.

Gavin draws close to Morgan, putting his hands on her shoulders and massaging gently.

GAVIN
That “monster” has a restraining

order against you.
Gavin leans down to nuzzle Morgan’s neck as she speaks.

MORGAN
The order only says I can’t get in direct contact with Amber, that I have to keep away from their property or business and that I have to stay away from their “persons”. It doesn’t say I can’t think about them.

Morgan rises, turning to slip into Gavin’s arms. Gavin kisses her and looks into her eyes.

GAVIN
Are you thinking about them now?

Who?

MORGAN

GAVIN That’s better.

They kiss deeply. Morgan pulls away a bit after the kiss, looking down.

MORGAN
I need to help her, Gavin.

She looks him full in the eye.

MORGAN (CONT’D)
He beats her. I can’t do nothing.

Gavin puts his hands on her shoulders.

GAVIN
I think you should stay out of it. If he’s as violent as you say, it’s dangerous to proceed.

She begins to object, but he stops her.

GAVIN (CONT’D)
Even if you’re helping his wife, it’s unethical. She pulls away from him.

MORGAN Unethical. What do you mean?

GAVIN
You’ve told me this Waterman stuff

is for healing. It’s unethical to treat someone without their permission.

MORGAN
I couldn’t contact her to get her permission so she doesn’t know anything about it.

Gavin comes closer again and puts his hands on her shoulders and speaks with confident seduction in his voice.

GAVIN
Don’t think about them. Think about me.

MORGAN
If I had a restraining order against you, would that prohibit you from even thinking about me?

Gavin pulls her in close, kissing her cheeks and neck.

GAVIN
Nothing could do that for me. Would it stop you?

MORGAN
Stop me from thinking about the

sexiest writer on earth with his warm, sensuous hands, irresistable lips and mesmerizing eyes?

She kisses him quickly on the lips and steps toward the door.

MORGAN (CONT’D) And no law can prevent me from thinking about Amber and how awful Daniel’s being to her. I have to do whatever I can and not even you can stop me from thinking about her in “helpful” ways.

Daniel straightens at the blatant rejection of his charms.

DANIEL Not even me?

MORGAN
Not if I’m naked in bed and you’re still down here.

They both laugh and she playfully pulls the door shut after her as she leaves the room.

In the hallway, she is angry for herself.

MORGAN (CONT’D)
I’m not a doctor. It’s not like I’m treating her in the traditional sense.

She stops at the foot of the stairs, dejected, confused.

The door opens behind her and she quickly brightens and dashes up the stairs, laughing seductively.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Outline

What I learned doing this assignment is that adding specific words will help me remember to add more character when the scenes are written. They also bring the outline to life more. I still have work to do on it….

Morgan Day – Traits: Insecure, Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist; Bold under pressure; Subtext Character Traits — Intimidated, Crafty;

Daniel Richards – Temperamental Artist; Insecure; Incredibly Good Designer; Perfectionist; Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

REVISED OUTLINE

PLOT IN STRUCTURE
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Richard slaps and punches his wife, Amber, because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids, ranting about how perfection is demanded of him at work and they cannot do even the simplest things right.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Superficial Morgan leaves her mind control class excitedly chattering with her classmates about mind control. Is mind control real or is it really just about boosting confidence? When a classmate finds she is Gavin Day’s wife, Morgan loses some of her cachet and withdraws from the conversation to run an errand.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their two kids at a women’s shelter. Morgan chats excitedly about Daniel’s work for her and Amber pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, but Morgan sees the bruises, asks about them but gets no answers and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

Bridget, who runs the shelter, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter only a few hours. Morgan realizes she needs to
do more to help women who are at such a disadvantage — perhaps using the Waterman Method or helping them to learn it. Bridget is skeptical.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she cautiously tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns the subject and plots his revenge for Amber’s betrayal, fussing more than ever with his fashions.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. Says his reputation will suffer because of her and she would have nothing without him. She whimpers.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan eagerly commits to helping women with Waterman and decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave Daniel so she

puts her copy of Waterman in her purse. It will strengthen Amber’s self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She slips a Waterman book onto a table with a significant look at Amber who is holding her kids in the darkened living room. Morgan is smug toward Richard since she has helped Amber.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussier than normal about fit and embellishment due to his anger and her self-congratulation. As Daniel walks Morgan to the door, she sees Amber giving her the covert sign for help. Startled, she nods to Amber, stiffens her spine and exits.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Morgan calls 9-1-1 and boldly states that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. Two males cops arrive and Morgan follows them to the designer’s house.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber and her kids are in tears and Daniel murmurs assurances of love and his swift return to them.
When Morgan arrives, Daniel rages at Morgan to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat. Morgan is shaken and unsure she helped Amber.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – LATER

Morgan, making light of the incident and not mentioning her involvement, tells the guild that includes Bridget and Cinda (a cop) that Daniel has been arrested and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel decides to capitalize on what the cops witnessed when Morgan lit into him. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with him and ask for the restraining order he wants against Morgan.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The two cops argue with Cinda and her partner, Rod, that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but Rod sides with Cinda so we know he’s reasonable.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Cinda and Morgan update the guild. Daniel got a restraining order against Morgan for trying to incite Amber to leave him by giving her the book. It comes out that Morgan made the 9- 1-1 call. The guild members are sympathetic. Morgan realizes she is shackled and cannot help Amber directly, but wants to do more.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan’s Waterman instructor tells her that she cannot use Waterman to harm anyone or it will come back on her. She can, from a distance, empower an abused wife to have the strength she needs to escape from her abuser and Morgan straightens a bit.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel, vengeful and angry, slaps around Amber again, taking her car keys and phone away from her. He’ll buy whatever they need. He spanks the kids for crying when they see him hit Amber ordering them to get control of themselves and properly represent the family and his business.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses Waterman to heal Amber’s bruises faster. Then she empowers her and reduces her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. Deflated, she argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The guild includes Cinda, Bridget, Emily (a lawyer) and ER nurse Rhonda. They explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions. Rhonda has heard of intentional medicine and Morgan is eager to learn more.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan’s husband warns her to stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her. Stick with her little mind control stuff. This infuriates her and she quietly seethes, resolving to do more.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Bridget tells Morgan what shelter women need most to leave, citing one resident that Morgan can try to help with confidence and bruise healing.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an intentional medicine lesson, tries the technique on herself and seems to feel better. Her husband warns her about interfering, but she says the shelter’s current residents need support, courage and empowerment. She leaves the room when Gavin tells her again not to interfere.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Rod thinks it’s abuse, but Cinda checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like usual. He ponders.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and eagerly notes the name and situation of someone else at the shelter.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda tells Rod about how successful Morgan has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget, Cinda and Morgan shares Morgan’s successes. She shares books and web addresses for the training and the other guild women join her in learning Waterman and intentional medicine.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Waterman instructor if Waterman from a distance is legally OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a
true power and likens it to offering “thoughts and prayers” which is always OK. Morgan smiles slyly.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. One struck her abuser with a brick, leaving him unconscious, as he tried to prevent her from leaving with the kids.

Another fought with her abuser getting a broken jaw out of the deal when her abuser did a lot more than slap her this time. The third, changed the locks on the house, but left to go to her mother’s with the kids, leaving the man without access to the house she had had before they started living together. Morgan ponders if it is ethical when she hears about the woman who hit her abuser with a brick after he hit her.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Cinda find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Rhonda says that Amber came through the ER with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately but Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to find a better way to help Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel, certain Morgan is somehow in touch with his wife, threatens to kill Morgan if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. Daniel is sure Morgan’s violated the restraining order. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the intentional medicine video she was watching. Then she straightens, realizing that somehow, some way, Amber has been helped by her. It IS working.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — including checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference. Emily does pro bono legal work for a stream of women, Rod talks to the men while Cinda talks to the women on domestic disturbance calls and Bridget has more women and children leaving her shelter in success.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan schools Gavin that Waterman gives abused women strength, takes away their fear and emotional pain and gives them the confidence to act. Waterman can’t be used for evil. Gavin says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders. Is she helping or making women monsters like their husbands?

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics, but won’t press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, no job, internet or car keys and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she leaves.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda relays Amber’s predicament to the guild and Morgan convinces them to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. They are very specific in their empowerment to protect herself and her children.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Gavin supports Morgan in court to fight the renewal of the restraining order. He worries that if Daniel finds out about her mind control work, they may say she is violating the restraining order.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it, berating her for being sloppy instead of learning to be fastidious from him. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She hides her anger until he leaves and then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber retrieves her hidden stash of pain pills from her ER visits. She contemplates them.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda fears for Amber’s life because Daniel’s violence is escalating. The guild does Waterman and intentional medicine together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids. Morgan urges Amber to be fierce in her protection of herself and her kids and does it often.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber bakes Richard’s favorite dessert and gets the kids to bed early so that he and mommy can have a special dinner. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Amber hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

6.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, Amber positions the knife over his heart and pushes it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, waits, checks to see that he is no longer breathing, and then calmly calls the police.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. Cinda asks her what happened. She explains, ending that this was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Rod talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. There is now a history of women harming their abusers because of the guild. The prosecutor charges the guild members as accessories.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The guild members, even Cinda, are all in separate interview rooms, charged as accessories to murder.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT

Gavin protectively declares he will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that all she did was the equivalent of thoughts and prayers. Morgan again shrinks, feeling coddled, not empowered.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, guild members testify to “thoughts and prayers” only. On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly, never that she hurt her husband. If Daniel was abusing Amber and she saw no other way out, it was self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The guild presents a passionate defense including the Waterman teacher who swears he wasn’t involved. The charges are dropped. Morgan realizes she has truly made a difference and is seen by the courts and the guild as someone other than just “Gavin Day’s wife”.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer who says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Morgan confidently hands her a Waterman book with a link to intentional medicine training written inside the front cover. She smiles slyly and says “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all we can do for her.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Translated Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is a great way to add subtext to a scene.

My scene selection

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

2/3. Morgan Day – Traits: Insecure, Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist; Bold under pressure; Subtext Character Traits — Intimidated, Crafty;

A. What might an Insecure person do here?

1. Morgan might look fearful when saying she has seen Daniel’s wife.

2. Morgan might wait until Daniel has his back turned to say she’e seen his wife so he won’t see the fear in her eyes or won’t be able to read judgement in her face.

B. What might a Curious/Eager to learn person do here?

1. Morgan might ask if Daniel ever has Amber drop off any of his designer clothes at the shelter.

2. Morgan might ask if it is OK if she donates some of the clothes he’s made for her to the same shelter.

C. What might a Perfectionist person do here?

1. Morgan might fuss about the details of the clothes at the fitting.

2. Morgan might fuss about the neatness of Daniel’s studio.

D. What might a Bold Under Pressure person do here?

1. She might ask Daniel how Amber got her bruises?

2. She might ask Daniel if Amber was in a car accident.

E. What might someone who is Intimidated, yet Crafty do here

1. She might look around for signs of a scuffle

2. Morgan might check to see if Daniel’s knuckles have bruising and if so, ask him how he did it. Was he in the accident with Amber?

Daniel Richards – Temperamental Artist; Insecure; Incredibly Good Designer; Perfectionist; Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

A. What might a Temperamental Artist person do here?

1. Daniel might be alternately friendly and furious with Morgan depending on her critiques of the items she is trying on

2. Daniel might fuss more than usual about critics of his work in the media to cover his nervousness.

B. What might an Insecure person do here?

1. Daniel might resort to stony silence whenever mention of Amber comes up.

2. Daniel might pretend he often sends Amber on missions of mercy

C. What might an Incredibly Good Designer do here?

1. Daniel might chastise Morgan for her posture or dictate her posture to show off his work to best effect.

2. Daniel might mention some of the ways he accents Morgan’s good points or routinely camouflages her bad ones.

D. What might a Perfectionist do here?

1. Daniel might tell Morgan to never stand a certain way in any of his couture.

2. Daniel might tell Morgan to arrange the dress in a very specific way before pictures.

E. What might someone who is Cloaking and Vengeful do here?

1. Daniel might mask his fury at Amber for having gone to a women’s shelter.

2. Daniel might look devious as he plans his revenge for having been “betrayed” by Amber in such a public way.

4. Ideas I will keep:

Morgan might ask if it is OK if she donates some of the clothes he’s made for her to the same shelter.

Morgan might fuss about the details of the clothes at the fitting.

Morgan might wait until Daniel has his back turned to say she’e seen his wife so he won’t see the fear in her eyes or won’t be able to read judgement in her face.

Daniel might resort to stony silence whenever mention of Amber comes up and turn the conversation back to fashion.

Daniel might be alternately friendly and furious with Morgan depending on her critiques of the items she is trying on

She might ask Daniel if Amber was in a car accident when fishing for the cause of Amber’s bruises.

Daniel might tell Morgan to never stand a certain way in any of his couture.

Morgan might check to see if Daniel’s knuckles have bruising and if so, ask him how he did it. Was he in the accident with Amber?

Daniel might look devious as he plans his revenge for having been “betrayed” by Amber in such a public way.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Story Lines

What I learned doing this assignment is I had to move a few things around to accommodate appropriate turning points for each act. Each character’s story is spread differently throughout the acts which means some acts will feature more about one character than another. Short scenes can be used later so we don’t “lose” characters for a lot of time between acts when their story isn’t front and center. I haven’t done that yet.

Cara’s Story:

Beginning: Cara and Mindy are lifelong friends. She is a mind control/intentional medicine practitioner in LA.

Turning Point: At Christmas, gets asked to be the executor/guardian of the twins’ estate if anything happens to Mike/Mindy.

Midpoint: Gets a call that Mike and Mindy are dead and she has obligations to the family. Comes to the farm, believes she should take the kids back to LA and rent out the farmland. Goes to the funeral and meets Jim who she’s heard about for years. He is very charming.

Turning Point 2: Her boyfriend breaks up with her — not willing to take on temporary kids/family.

Major Conflict: Randi convinces her that a huge part of the kids’ legacy will be gone if she doesn’t farm for them — Mike’s brothers will come down from Alaska.

Ending: Opts to stay, out of guilt that she may have caused Mike/Mindy’s accident with her own wish for Mike. Thinks Jim/Hunter will help her and then sees Jim’s violence

Randi’s Story:

Beginning: Randi loves being the aunt/grandmother to the twins and her matriarchal position on the farm.

Turning Point: Randi finds out she has Alzheimer’s

Midpoint: Randi tells Mindy she has Alzheimer’s

Turning Point 2: Mike and Mindy die and she realizes she has to make Cara stay or risk losing the twins’ legacy that she has promised to pass on.

Major Conflict: How can she get Cara to stay?

Ending: Convinces Cara to stay, but sees that Cara is thinking of Jim as a replacement for the boyfriend (and Mike) she just lost. Wonders if Cara will still come when she sees Jim get violent with his boys.

Mindy’s Story:

Beginning: Cara and Mindy are best friends. Cara talks to her in college about how great Mike is, but already taken. Cara is gone 2nd semester and she gloms onto Mike, securing him before Cara returns.

Turning Point: Molly dies and something doesn’t seem right. She and Mike investigate.

Midpoint: Randi tells Mindy about her Alzheimer’s — makes her promise not to tell Mike or Cara and make Cara take over the farm or Mike’s brothers from Alaska will get it, not the twins as Mike (and his deceased dad) wants.

Turning Point 2: Mindy talks Cara into it, but gets a premonition about her own death — Jim or Cara?

Major Conflict: Mindy has to decide to enlist Cara for taking over the farm and Mike wants to expose the evidence they have that Molly’s death may not have been a suicide.

Ending: Car Crash into train.

Jim’s Story:

Beginning: Jim and Mike are buddies growing up with Jim’s dad being a mean drunk who impresses on Jim that they need more land and he should marry it. Jim is into Molly for the land and because she is cute, but she is into Mike who she is dating.

Turning Point: Mike goes to college and Molly still refuses him until Mike comes home and ditches her.

Midpoint: Molly agrees to marry him and he does so for her land. His dad dies soon after.

Turning Point 2: Molly has Hunter just 8 months after they marry and he thinks Mike is the biological father.

Major Conflict: Blows up at Molly and she commits suicide. (perhaps only the funeral scene or we see Molly die at the crossing)

Ending: 1. Jim sees Mike and Molly’s death as a chance to get more land and tells his sons that’s what they must do — find a way to farm Mike and Molly’s land and eventually take over the rental land. 2. Jim vamps Cara and the boys fight about it on the way out.

5. First Version of my Outline:

Teaser: The accident

Essence: Mike and Mindy leave for a NYE party, Mindy chats with Cara about her boyfriend and desire for a baby. They crash into a train when there are no brakes on their car.

Turning Point: The word “Molly” uttered between Mike and Mindy as they crash.

Act 1:

Essence: (C Beginning) Cara and Mindy are lifelong friends. She is a mind control/intentional medicine practitioner in LA.; (M Beginning) Cara and Mindy are best friends. Cara talks to her in college about how great Mike is, but already taken. Cara is gone 2nd semester and she gloms onto Mike, securing him before Cara returns;

(J Beginning): Jim and Mike are buddies growing up with Jim’s dad being a mean drunk who impresses on Jim that they need more land and he should marry it. Jim is into Molly for the land and because she is cute, but she is into Mike who she is dating.

(J Turning Point 1): Mike goes to college and Molly still refuses him until Mike comes home and ditches her.

(J Midpoint:) Molly agrees to marry him and he does so for her land. His dad dies soon after.

(J Turning Point 2): Molly has Hunter just 8 months after they marry and he thinks Mike is the biological father.

(R Beginning) Randi loves being the aunt/grandmother to the twins and her matriarchal position on the farm.

Act 1 Turning Point: (J Major Conflict) Jim blows up at Molly and she commits suicide (perhaps only seeing Molly die at the crossing and then the funeral scene of people saying they are so sorry — suicide?)

Act 2:

Essence: (R Turning Point 1) Randi finds out she has Alzheimer’s

(M Turning Point 1) : Molly dies and something doesn’t seem right. Mindy and Mike investigate.

(R Midpoint, M Midpoint) Randi tells Mindy about her Alzheimer’s — makes her promise not to tell Mike or Cara and make Cara take over the farm or Mike’s brothers from Alaska will get it, not the twins as Mike (and his deceased dad) wants.

(C Turning Point 1): At Christmas, gets asked to be the executor/guardian of the twins’ estate if anything happens to Mike/Mindy.

(M Turning Point 2): Mindy talks Cara into it, but gets a premonition about her own death — Jim or Cara? Mindy uses her mind control to do this against Mike and Cara’s initial wishes

Act 2 Turning Point: (M Major Conflict): Mike wants to expose the evidence they have that Molly’s death may not have been a suicide and Mindy reluctantly agrees.

(M Ending) The NY’s Eve accident where Mike and Mindy’s car crashes into the train just as Molly had.

Act 3:

Essence: (C Midpoint) Cara gets a call that Mike and Mindy are dead and she has obligations to the family. Comes to the farm, believes she should take the kids back to LA and rent out the farmland. Goes to the funeral and meets Jim who she’s heard about for years. He is very charming.

Act 3 Turning Point: (R Turning Point 2) Randi realizes she has to make Cara stay or risk losing the twins’ legacy that she has promised to pass on to them.

Act 4:

Essence: (R Major Conflict) How can she get Cara to stay? Randi explains rental land to Cara and what it means to the farm; Cara’s boyfriend says he will not come to Iowa or do long distance; Kids don’t want to leave the farm;

(C Turning Point 2) Cara’s boyfriend breaks up with her — not willing to take on temporary kids/family.

(J Ending 1) Jim sees Mike and Molly’s death as a chance to get more land and tells his sons that’s what they must do — find a way to farm Mike and Molly’s land and eventually take over the rental land.

Act 4 Turning Point: (C Major Conflict) Randi convinces Cara that a huge part of the kids’ legacy will be gone if she doesn’t farm for them — Mike’s brothers will come down from Alaska.

Jim has promised that he will help Cara with all of the farming Randi is livid and explains about Molly’s accident/suicide;

Act 5:

Essence: (R Ending) Having convinced Cara to stay, Randi sees that Cara is thinking of Jim as a replacement for the boyfriend (and Mike) she just lost. Wonders if Cara will still come when she sees Jim get violent with his boys.

Hunter says he’s helped Mike’s dad and Mike with the equipment for years and can help Cara too; Randi guilts Cara after looking at her Alzheimer’s diagnosis; The Twins guilt Cara;

Act 5 Climax/Turning Point/Lock In: Cara does some mind control work and decides she must honor her commitment to Mindy/Mike and thinks about Jim as a replacement for her boyfriend.

( C Ending) Cara opts to stay, out of guilt that she may have caused Mike/Mindy’s accident with her own wish for Mike. Thinks Jim/Hunter will help her and then sees Jim’s violence

Act 5 Lock In: Hunter says he’ll help her and Jim is furious with Hunter; Gabe flinches; the twins shudder; Randi gasps; Cara is shocked;

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pilot Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that structure really makes this easier and makes acts quicker and easier to define. This will definitely be handy when we start adding secondary story lines as ways to add “value” between Turning Points and the main point’s progression through an act.

Teaser: The accident

Essence: Mike and Mindy leave for a NYE party, Mindy chats with Cara about her boyfriend and desire for a baby. They crash into a train when there are no brakes on their car.

Turning Point: The word “Molly” uttered between Mike and Mindy as they crash.

Act 1:

Essence: Cara and Mindy’s lifelong friendship; Cara’s life and practice in CA and current boyfriend/Mr. Right?; Mike and Mindy’s life on the farm and concerns for the twins’ future;

(Ordinary life in CA and on the farm and Cara/Mindy’s friendship)

Act 1 Turning Point: Randi tells Mindy about her Alzheimer’s;

Act 2:

Essence: Mindy convinces Mike to put Cara in charge of the kids and talks Cara into it; They meet in Chicago and Mindy says she has premonitions and they have decided they want Cara to be the executor so his brothers in Alaska can’t take the farm in case Randi goes first or they all go together.

(Mindy uses her mind control to do this against Mike and Cara’s initial wishes)

Act 2 Turning Point: The NY’s Eve accident.

Act 3:

Essence: Cara comes to the farm; meets Jim, Hunter and Gabe; Randi insists they not make any decisions about the farmland yet;

Act 3 Turning Point: Cara tells Randi she will take the kids back to LA and she is aghast.

Act 4:

Essence: Randi explains rental land to Cara and what it means to the farm; Cara’s boyfriend says he will not come to Iowa or do long distance; Kids don’t want to leave the farm;

Act 4 Turning Point: Jim vamps Cara a little and says he will help her; Randi is livid and explains about Molly’s accident/suicide;

Act 5:

Essence: Hunter says he’s helped Mike’s dad and Mike with the equipment for years and can help Cara too; Randi guilts Cara after looking at her Alzheimer’s diagnosis; The Twins guilt Cara;

Act 5 Climax/Turning Point/Lock In: Cara does some mind control work and decides she must honor her commitment to Mindy/Mike and thinks about Jim as a replacement for her boyfriend.

Act 5 Lock In: Hunter says he’ll help her and Jim is furious with Hunter; Gabe flinches; the twins shudder; Randi gasps; Cara is shocked;

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Chemistry

What I learned doing this assignment is that I will have plenty of interest/friction in all my scenes if I note these four items between actors in the scenes for every scene and work in the chemistry (good or bad).

Names/Roles<div>

Morgan/Daniel

Morgan/Amber

Daniel/Amber

Morgan/Gavin

2.

Morgan/Daniel </div><div>

A. Common Ground/Similarities — Both love fashion and detail in fashion. Have similar tastes and goals surrounding fashion.

<div>

B. Differences that create conflict — Daniel is domineering, but subverts that when talking to clients like Morgan. Morgan hates being dominated and almost dominates herself when she runs into a bully.

C. Playing the same game / Competing agendas — Daniel wants to dominate Amber and Morgan wants to save/protect her.

D. Need fulfillment — In fashion, Daniel and Morgan try to create a stir with his fashions that she shows off beautifully in “big” events.

Morgan/Amber

A. Common Ground/Similarities — Both hate being dominated, not having freedom

B. Differences that create conflict — Morgan would never had let herself stay in Amber’s situation and doesn’t understand why she won’t leave. Amber has been beaten down longer and is practically friendless and hopeless

C. Playing the same game/Competing agendas — Morgan and Amber both want Amber to escape from Daniel’s terrorizing ways, but Amber is beaten down to the point where she needs a miracle. Morgan wants Amber to do it for herself and her kids.

D. Need fulfillment — Both need to feel they have conquered Daniel’s violent ways, but they have very different ways of getting there.

Daniel/Amber

A. Common Ground/Similarities — Loved each other once. Now Daniel sees her as a punching bag/disobedient challenger of his at every turn and Amber sees him as her torturer.

B. Differences that create conflict — Amber puts her kids first, Daniel puts his fragile ego first.

C. Playing the same game / Competing agendas — Daniel is trying to stay safe in the fashion business by never alienating a client with aggression or anger. Amber is trying to stay safe at home by not showing any aggression or anger to Daniel.

D. Need fulfillment — Daniel wants respect and homage for his talent. Amber wants safety.

Morgan/Gavin

A. Common Ground/Similarities — Both are insecure

B. Differences that create conflict — Daniel is a bit domineering and Morgan a bit intimidated by his assumption of superiority that is subdued and not aggressive, yet there.

C. Playing the same game/Competing agendas — Both want the respect and affection of the other and fear losing it if they don’t measure up. They are a good match for each other, but constantly strive to be even better.

D. Need Fulfillment — Gavin wants Morgan’s continued love and affection, but wants to protect her when he sees any danger in what she is doing. She needs to have her own value/worth solidified and recognized and that means pulling away from Gavin’s guardianship a little.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Arc

What I learned doing this assignment is that for my heroine, Morgan, I had included her character arc for the most part although I noted places where the specific aspects of it I was highlighting could be brought out more. I need to do this same thing for the arcs of my antagonist and his wife (who ends up being a second protagonist).

Morgan’s info:

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure <div>

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

In this movie, I want to deal with Morgan’s Logline and help her prove to herself that she is more than just a trophy wife.

2. The Issue: Morgan feels deflated, as though being married to a successful author is her only value to the world, but she knows she’s more than that and wants to prove it.

Escalating Challenges:

1. Morgan feels the need to help other women and leaves the Waterman Method book for Amber and calls the cops on her husband, Daniel. It backfires when male cops respond and think she has butted in on a minor dispute, wasting their time.

2. Morgan thought she was helping, but now has a restraining order against her from Daniel. Amber has refused to press charges.

3. Morgan talks to her fiber guild about how she can help Amber. She learns that outside interference can make abuse worse. They agree to use Waterman techniques to help women in danger.

4. Waterman says his techniques cannot be used to hurt others as it will come back on the person who uses the technique, the guild devises ways to use the Waterman Method to fortify women in the shelter so they are ready to leave.

5. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers. One struck her abuser with a brick, leaving him unconscious, as he tried to prevent her from leaving with the kids. Another fought with her abuser getting a broken jaw out of the deal when her abuser did a lot more than slap her this time. The third, changed the locks on the house, but left to go to her mother’s with the kids, leaving the man without access to the house she had had before they started living together.

6. Daniel puts Amber in the hospital in critical condition and they use all of their efforts to empower her to protect herself and her children. They are specific about their efforts. Amber kills Daniel

The Transformation: When Amber is acquitted and testimony said that she would have been killed had she not done something drastic, Morgan realizes that the help she gave Amber worked. She does have the power to do more with her life. She is more than a trophy wife and has power in her own right.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Characters Live!

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is a much easier way to get character into the scene than trying to work it artlessly into action.

I will use this scene that introduces Morgan and her mind control work:

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Superficial Morgan leaves her mind control class chatting with her classmates. Is mind control real or is it really just about boosting confidence?

2. Ideas for the scene.

A. How can I describe the character in an interesting way?

Morgan is a high fashion model, or she could be if she looked vapid and disinterested, but her eyes are piercing, seeing into souls and finding the gut level intent of anyone she turns them on. Her face is engaged and engaging, smarter and kinder than most. Her walk more stride than runway strut. She commands rooms, conversations and respect without realizing she’s doing it and would be surprised if anyone called it out.

Wearing a large diamond ring, she commands women’s respect and men automatically envy her husband.

B. How can the character burst onto the scene?

In this case, she will be leaving a classroom.

C. What actions naturally fit this scene and the character?

Walking with other adult students as they exit her class, but she outclasses them by far.

D. What would a character with these traits say in this scene?

Morgan wants to understand to what extent mind control is real and effective. She wants to do it right. She asked the instructor a question no one else would have had the nerve to ask. Her husband has asked about it and he’ll shoot holes in anything she says if she doesn’t get it right? Does he ridicule her for believing? Of course not. He’s a writer and always goes for the details and the facts. Gavin Day is your husband? Proudly, Yes. Her own level of security takes a step lower as she is now reduced to a famous author’s wife, not Morgan Day.

E. How might other characters describe this one? Beautiful, statuesque, confident, intelligent, smart, discerning.

F. What environment would show off who this character is? A classroom where she holds her own with a well-respected professor-type. A room where her peers are clearly lesser, but not slouches. She outshines them easily even though they may be better educated, make more money and have more prestige.

3. SCENE

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Tall and professorial, BENSON WATERMAN stands at the front of the room, fielding questions. He answers most questions with rapid dispatch and practiced clarity, but looks satisfied and eager when one student raises her hand.

MORGAN DAY is a high fashion model, or she could be if she looked vapid and disinterested, but her eyes are piercing, seeing into souls and finding the gut level intent of anyone she turns them on. Her face is engaged and engaging, smarter and kinder than most. She commands rooms, conversations, and respect without realizing she’s doing it and would be surprised if anyone called it out.

Wearing a large diamond ring, men automatically envy her husband.

Waterman nods to her in anticipation of a challenge.

MORGAN

We’re still students. To what extent is the mind control we’re trying to achieve supposed to be effective at this point?

WATERMAN

If you’re doing mind control and you truly believe that you are putting thoughts in other people’s heads, you are already effective. The confidence and assurance of the practitioner, not the receiver, is all that matters.

Morgan’s eye has a glint of mischief.

MORGAN

I think, therefore you do?

Waterman chuckles with satisfaction.

WATERMAN

Exactly as you say. We’ll see you all next week. Do your homework.

Waterman quickly exits the room.

Morgan walks from the room with other adult students, but she outclasses them despite their exalted job titles, Ivy League educations, and pompous demeanors.

STUDENT 1

You just flat out asked Waterman if the method he’s spent his life developing actually works.

Morgan laughs in amusement.

MORGAN

I just asked him if what we’re doing works yet. My husband asked me that after class last week so I told him I’d find out when I would be an effective Waterman practitioner.

STUDENT 1

Is he afraid you’ll have him flapping his wings like a chicken?

MORGAN

No, he’s a writer and he wants all the facts about everything.

STUDENT 1

You mean Gavin Day is your husband?

Morgan becomes disappointed and thoughtful as they head for the exit.

MORGAN

Yes.

STUDENT 1

Does he make fun of the Waterman Method?

MORGAN

(shaking it off)

No, of course not. The Waterman Method is real or we wouldn’t all be here, paying a ridiculous amount to take his class. We’d just stick to the book and pretend we thought it was nonsense if it wasn’t real, right?

STUDENT 1

(chagrinned, but laughing)

You’re right, of course. You always are.

Reaching the exit door of the building, Morgan touches Student 1’s arm as she heads into the revolving door.

MORGAN

See you next week. Practice!

Student 1 follows her through the door, watching with admiration as Morgan strides effortlessly down the sidewalk with all the looks of a model, but no hint of a runway strut.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dueling Agendas

2 Characters:

Morgan Day:

A. Basic Character Traits: <div>

A. Insecure

B. Curious/Eager to learn

C. Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

D. Bold under pressure

B. Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Gavin Day:

A. Basic Character Traits:

A. Cool (not cold or warm)

B. Determined

C. Domineering

D. Proud

B. Subtext Character Traits: Lonely, Insecure

2. INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.

3. Outline:

Gavin asks what Morgan is doing when he enters the room and finds her hard at work on her mind control regimen. </div><div>

Morgan feels compelled to do something to help Amber.

Gavin believes the restraining order prohibits her from doing that and that it is unethical to help someone without their permission.

Morgan cites thoughts and prayers as often done without someone’s permission, but is done from afar and has been found to be effective in scientific studies.

Gavin considers arguing with Morgan, but seeing she is determined, he decides it’s not worth a fight which would deprive him of her company which he needs after a long day of writing.

Scene:

FADE IN:

INT. DAY RESIDENCE – CONTINUOUS

GAVIN

Enters the room carrying a tea tray. MORGAN is still working on her mind control routine in support of Amber.

GAVIN

What are you working on tonight? I’m done for the day.

Morgan looks up with affection in her eyes.

MORGAN

I’m trying to heal Amber’s bruises and reduce her fear of Daniel and her emotional pain and suffering. A mission of mercy.

GAVIN

Leave that and come sit with me for a while. I brought tea.

MORGAN

I’ll be a few more minutes yet. I have to do something for her. You didn’t see the fear…and the bruises.

Gavin contemplates the tea tray, sets it down on the coffee table and sits stiffly.

GAVIN

Does she know you’re doing this?

MORGAN

Of course not. I haven’t talked to her.

GAVIN

Do you think it’s ethical to “help” someone without their knowledge? The courts might not see it that way if they knew you were doing this.

MORGAN

It’s as ethical as praying for someone we don’t know and we do that every Sunday at church.

Morgan looks back at the paperwork on her desk. Gavin considers the tea tray and looks at Morgan again with a slight frown.

GAVIN

The tea will be ready in about two minutes. Will you be finished?

Morgan looks over at him, smiles brightly, then teases.

MORGAN

I will if you stop talking to me.

Gavin breathes deeply, smiles to himself, relaxes his posture and fusses with the tea things.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Amazing Inciting Incident

What I learned doing this assignment is that the opening scene I have imagined thus far is really my midpoint.

Intriguing Concept: An LA-based mind control practitioner inherits her best friend’s $60M farm and her twins. She finds that farming is an asset rich, cash poor big business, not profitable large scale gardening. To preserve the twins’ farm legacy, she must conquer the complex world of modern farming before her mentor, the family matriarch, becomes incapacitated by her Alzheimer’s.

Act 1: Cara is presented as an intentional medicine and mind control professional in LA whose biological clock is forcing her to date while in her dreams, she is always with her soulmate, Mike Campion. Randi Campion has just received the news that she has Alzheimer’s and has confided in daughter-in-law Mindy and sworn her to secrecy. Mike has his suspicions that Jim had something to do with his wife Molly’s death six months before and when Mindy finds that Molly’s suicide note typed on her computer is not at all in Molly’s writing style, they decide they will need to go to the police, but will wait until after their holidays in Chicago where they will see Cara. When Mindy gets premonitions of her death, she convinces Mike to leave Cara in charge of the farm and their twins if something happens to them. They get her consent in Chicago at Christmas

Midpoint: Mike and Mindy return to the farm because Cara has a New Year’s Eve date in LA and must leave early. They dress up and go out for the evening. Not far from their house, they come over the hill above the railroad tracks and there is a train crossing in front of them. The brakes don’t work and they are forced to plow into the train at full speed, realizing this is the same way Molly died.

Lock In: The funeral takes place and Cara meets charismatic Jim and his sons, Hunter and Gabe, who stop by after the funeral to say they’d like to farm the land until the twins are of age. Randi gives a hard no, that Cara wants to farm and be there for her friend Mindy as Mike and Mindy’s will states. Cara agrees, but she is grieving as much for Mike as for Mindy and wonders if her wishes for her own man were somehow put into motion subconsciously by her powers, resulting in Mike and Mindy’s deaths.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Action/Props

What I learned doing this assignment is the more of these activities I do, the more in focus and focused the scene becomes.

Comic Situation Outline:

Ivy, the Secret Service agent, arrives before Nick and the President’s parents do and is lying in wait inside the cottage.

Nick and the parents come into the cottage in the dark, not wanting to call attention to their entrance.

Nick leaves to hide the car.

Ivy announces her presence to Holly and Rudy in a happy reunion.

Nick returns and mistakes Ivy for a threat to the parents’ safety.

2. Main area of incongruence for my story: Nick, tough special ops guy, has Grizzly, a delicate teacup poodle as his PTSD dog that he trusts implicitly and would protect to the death.

3. Action props already in the scene: Holiday decorations, including a collection of expensive Murano glass dogs that are very fragile. In spite of Nick’s protection of Grizzly, the little dog is routinely used as a weapon to bite ears, fingers, etc. to help Nick. Grizzly also travels in a case made out of two combat helmets and lined with pink satin (blue if Grizzly is played by a boy dog. :-> ).

Outline:

Ivy breaks into the cottage and scopes it out with a penlight, noting the delicate glass dog collection covering most horizontal surfaces and making jokes about it.

Ivy hides when she hears people approaching and recognizes Rudy and Holly’s voices who don’t sound frightened. She is perplexed.

Nick sends Grizzly into the cottage and asks if there are any threats. Grizzly runs right up to Ivy who picks up Grizzly and gives the tiny pet a hug, then puts her down again and shoos her away.

Grizzly returns to Nick and tells Nick via a lick on the nose that there are no threats.

Nick hustles Rudy and Holly into the cottage, telling them to remain in the dark and not disturb anything.

Ivy consults with them about Nick, finds out he is a good guy.

Nick returns, Rudy is startled and knocks over a glass dog, breaking it.

Nick signals for quiet but as each person moves, another dog is destroyed.

Nick picks up Grizzly who may be hurt by the broken glass.

Nick and Ivy fight although Nick is lovestruck and tries to subdue rather than hurt Ivy. Ivy doesn’t want to hurt Nick, but dodges his half-hearted grabs and attempts to detain her, telling him that they must leave the cottage immediately because the FBI knows this is his great aunt’s cottage.

Nick is crushed further with every dog that is broken, diving to catch one and knocking another off a table in the process.

Ivy tries to save dogs too and fails.

Holly and Rudy fail in their attempts.

In every case, as each glass dog, more expensive than the last, is broken, Grizzly is lovingly passed/tossed successfully from person to person as they attempt to rescue (and fail to do so) another glass dog.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Subtext and Loglines

What I learned doing this assignment is that my characters have secret ways of dealing with the world and reveal them in subtext.

Three Characters:

Morgan Day

Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist; Bold under pressure

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty

Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.

Daniel Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist; Insecurel Incredibly good designer; Perfectionist

Subtext Character Traits: Cloaking, Vengeful

Logline: Daniel is a fashion designer who finds himself venting his frustrations with his clients on his submissive wife but Morgan is somehow empowering his wife to defy him and that must stop.

Possible areas of subtext: Obsequiously bows to his clients’ wishes in fashion. Gets as nitpicky with his wife at home as he feels his clients are with him. Hates anyone who challenges his right to be absolutely, unequivocally in charge at home.

Amber Richards

Basic Character Traits:

Loving; Gentle; Long-suffering; Fiercely protective of her kids

Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Secretive

Logline: Amber is a good mother and must find the courage to protect herself and her children from her vicious husband before he kills them.

Possible areas of subtext: Pretends she is in control in front of her children no matter what Daniel is doing to her.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that after all of this time, my characters have become real enough that I can describe them in the details needed below.

Three Characters:

Morgan

Basic Character Traits:

Insecure
Curious/Eager to learn

Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone

Bold under pressure

Want/Need: Wants to be on an equal footing with her husband (mentally) / Needs to be seen as more than a pretty face/figure — a force to be reckoned with

Paradoxes: Feels inferior, but feels she is the right one to do something to help underdogs

Secret: She has always felt mentally inferior to her husband and a fraud for that reason

Flaw: Easily second guesses herself when anyone she considers superior (and that’s a LOT of people) criticizes something she’s done

Special: Seems to “have it all” but wants to save women and children — feels it’s her duty because she’s so lucky.

Daniel

Basic Character Traits:

Temperamental artist

Insecure

Incredibly good designer

Perfectionist

Want/Need: Wants his wife to love him / Needs his wife to be totally enthralled with him to make him feel secure

Paradoxes: Believes that he should be ultimately in charge in his home even though he can see it driving his wife to hate and fear him rather than the adoration he seeks

Secret: Will never find perfection in his relationship with his wife because he doesn’t see her as perfect.

Flaw: Gets physical when he gets angry

Special: Society’s darling while a tyrant at home

Amber

Basic Character Traits:

Loving

Gentle

Long-suffering

Fiercely protective of her kids

Want/Need: Wants the loving, kind, gentle man she married back / Needs safety for herself and her kids

Paradoxes: Still loves her husband because of what could have been, but hates him because of what is

Secret: Has set an internal limit — one act of violence against the kids and she will get them and herself to safety

Flaw: Can’t see that there is no hope of things returning to what they once were or even becoming safe.

Special: Much stronger as a mother than as a woman.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Big Picture Components

What I learned doing this assignment is that I already knew this stuff. Yay!!

Series Info

World: Midwest farmers will play an outsized role in climate change remediation, but farmers are land rich, cash poor, and caught between giant multinational ag companies that control the supply chain and markets. The rest of America will meet these climate saviors in their small town world of college educated, technology savvy farmers and skilled craftsmen. <div>

Main Mystery: How/why did Mike and Mindy really die? Did Jim kill them and Molly too?

Impossible Goal: Cara must become a skilled farmer before Randi succumbs to Alzheimer’s.

Main Conflict: Cara wants a man and Randi needs her to stay on the farm to take over because of her Alzheimer’s.

Second Mystery: Whose son is Hunter? (Mike or Jim?)
Season 1 Arc: From learning what she signed up for on the farming part of Mike/Mindy’s will to figuring out that Randi has Alzheimer’s.

Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: From grieving the loss of both her best friend and her soulmate to realizing she is probably going to have to become a farmer and take on there kids and their mother/m-i-l.

2. Basic Pilot Info

Pilot Conflict: Will Cara move to Iowa as Randi insists and Mike/Mindy’s will implies? </div>

Characters Introduced: Mike, Mindy, Randi, Cara, Lily and Liam

Inciting Incident of Season 1: A. Last scene of Pilot — Cara realizes she will have to move to the farm and become a parent/guardian and a farmer. B. Mike and Mindy die in the opening scene, looking at each other in a panic and shouting “Molly! — what does it mean? Who is Molly?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Topper Outline!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I accidentally used prop humor instead of the punchlines. I’ll do the opposite tomorrow.

Comedy Situation:

Nick has rescued Holly and Rudy from kidnappers, believing Ivy was killed by the kidnappers. Holly and Rudy have had a sneaky visit from Ivy and are eager for fix her up with Nick. They tell Ivy where the safe house they are heading for is located and she arrives before Nick and the parents do and is lying in wait inside the cottage.

Nick and the parents come into the cottage in the dark, not wanting to call attention to their entrance and Nick mistakes Ivy for a threat to the parents’ safety.

Comedy Characters:

Nick – Former Special Ops with PTSD and a teacup poodle for a service dog.
Ivy – Secret Service agent who doesn’t think things through, yet seems to always be lucky in protecting the President’s parents.
Holly – The President’s mother with acerbic wit and a penchant for matchmaking
Rudy – The President’s father whose banter with his wife is a sign of their love

Possible Funny Moments:

A fight between Nick and Ivy with kibitzing from the parents.

Holly and Rudy trying to stop the fight.

Nick not believing that Ivy is alive (after seeing her get shot and presumably, shot dead).

Nick realizing he’s actually meeting the woman he’s been fantasizing about for weeks.

Ivy realizing Nick talks to his dog and believes that his dog is telling him when he’s having a nightmare or other dream and when things are real.

RUNNING GAG:

In the dark of the cottage, it’s hard to see. One after another, they knock an expensive glass animal off of something and it shatters on the floor. Each item is more expensive and more valued by the cottage’s owner (per Nick)

Ivy: Holly, be careful. There’s a Murano Dog Fantasy on that table

Rudy: Is that code for dog poo?

Holly: No, it’s not code. It’s this? She thrusts the glass dog into a small wedge of light coming in a window.

Rudy turns to look at it and knocks a glass dog off the table with his elbow.

Ivy: Oh no! That was a Dalmata dog

Rudy: A Dalmatian?

Ivy: Probably. I think Dalmata is Italian for dalmation.

Rudy: That’s stupid.

Ivy: No that’s a couple of hundred dollars you own the owner of this cottage.

Nick comes in and Ivy ducks into the shadows.

Holly: Nick, be careful. There’s a little table on your right with a very expensive glass dog on it.

Nick turns to look, but it’s dark so he sweeps his hand across the table slowly and knocks the dog to the floor

Ivy: Oh no! That was a XXX

Nick: Who said that?

Ivy steps into the stream of light

Ivy: I did

Nick: You’re dead.

Ivy: I’m not.

Nick holds Grizzly in front of his face.

Nick: Threat?

Grizzly licks Nick’s nose.

Nick: You’re dead.

Ivy: I’m not a threat.

Nick: Of course not. You’re dead. Holly, Rudy, let’s get settled in.

Ivy: I’m not dead, but if you don’t stop saying that, you will be. We can’t stay here. Dasher knows you were coming here. We have to leave.

Nick: (holding Grizzly up again) Real?

Grizzly licks his nose.

Nick: That makes no sense.

He walks slowly up to Ivy, not believing his eyes.

Ivy reaches behind her for a weapon and finds a more expensive glass dog.

She wields it high.

Ivy: don’t make me break this over your head.

Holly: Ivy’s not a threat. She’s our secret service agent.

Nick: She was shot. She’s dead. She’s not really here. Grizzly? Again, a lick on the nose.

Ivy: I took a bullet to my vest. I’m bruised, but fine. I’m alive.

Nick: You can’t be. You’re perfect. Grizzly? Just a lick and a whimper

Holly: That poor dog must be getting thirsty.

Ivy: Can I pet him?

Nick: Her.

Ivy reaches for Grizzly and she leaps into her hand. Ivy instinctively drops the glass dog in her hand to catch Grizzly.

Ivy: That was a $$$ X dog!

Nick snatches Grizzly back. She’s my service dog. Hands off. She’s very delicate.

Nick: Is she a threat or is she dead?

Grizzly shakes her head.

Rudy: I guess she can answer either/or questions.

Nick gives him an “of course not” look, catches himself.

Nick: Is she a good guy? Grizzly licks his nose.

Nick: Why didn’t you just say that in the beginning.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Visually Appealing Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is something I knew, but had forgotten. Presentations take a LOT of time to put together.

Process: I searched the internet for appropriate photos to use in my bible. That took a bit of time. Then I cut and cut and cut again to pare down the bible into more bite-sized text bits. Then I tweaked and tweaked the bible’s text, layout and photos to get everything to fit and look appropriate. It took all day.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Comedy Brainstorm Session!

What I learned doing this assignment is the outline can contain many steps in the scene when humor can be injected/developed.

Comedy Situation:

Nick has rescued Holly and Rudy from kidnappers, believing Ivy was killed by the kidnappers. Holly and Rudy have had a sneaky visit from Ivy and are eager for fix her up with Nick. They tell Ivy where the safe house they are heading for is located and she arrives before Nick and the parents do and is lying in wait inside the cottage.

Nick and the parents come into the cottage in the dark, not wanting to call attention to their entrance and Nick mistakes Ivy for a threat to the parents’ safety.

Comedy Characters:

Nick – Former Special Ops with PTSD and a teacup poodle for a service dog.
Ivy – Secret Service agent who doesn’t think things through, yet seems to always be lucky in protecting the President’s parents.
Holly – The President’s mother with acerbic wit and a penchant for matchmaking
Rudy – The President’s father whose banter with his wife is a sign of their love

Possible Funny Moments:

A fight between Nick and Ivy with kibitzing from the parents.

Holly and Rudy trying to stop the fight.

Nick not believing that Ivy is alive (after seeing her get shot and presumably, shot dead).

Nick realizing he’s actually meeting the woman he’s been fantasizing about for weeks.

Ivy realizing Nick talks to his dog and believes that his dog is telling him when he’s having a nightmare or other dream and when things are real.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Request for Exchange

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Plot Choice: Maturation

Character Structure: Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who learns mind control techniques to empower a woman who is being abused by her husband.
Daniel Richards is a fashion designer who keeps his wife and kids isolated in his home and suspects the protagonist of being in contact with them and working against him, growing angrier and even getting a restraining order against the fashionista.

Dramatic Question: If you use mind control methods to help people without their knowledge are you a criminal if the result is murder?

Main Conflict: As abuse escalates in a household, who will survive? The husband or the wife?

Dilemma: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?

Theme: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”.

Character Arc of Lead Character:

Morgan amuses herself with mind control techniques using them only for self-improvement. She fears getting so deeply into helping others that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions. She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes her power.

Structure:

Opening: Morgan meets Daniel’s abused wife, Amber, and kids, befriending them.

Inciting Incident: At Amber’s request, Morgan calls the police to arrest Daniel for abuse and a verbal contest between Morgan and Daniel erupts.

What the movie is about: Amber has refused to testify so charges have been dropped against Daniel, so Morgan must find must find another way to help Amber.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Morgan and the rest of her fiber arts guild, including Cinda, a cop, realize that outside interference often makes abuse worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave some strike against abusers with violence and the police are locking up more abusers.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: Amber lands in the ER in critical condition so the guild empowers the her to protect herself and her children which she does by killing Daniel after his next abusive action.

Crisis: The police charge the guild members as accessories to the murder because Cinda’s partner heard about the guild’s prior successes getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses and he thinks they have taken it too far.

Climax: At court, the guild and expert witnesses testify that their techniques are the equivalent of powerful “thoughts and prayers” and Amber is acquitted.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the guild’s favor.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Richard slaps and punches his wife, Amber, because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Superficial Morgan leaves her mind control class chatting with her classmates. Is mind control real or is it really just about boosting confidence?

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their two kids at a women’s shelter. Amber pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

Bridget, who runs the shelter, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter only a few hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She whimpers.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave Daniel so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber who is holding her kids in the darkened living room. Morgan is satisfied she has helped someone in need.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he walks her to the door, she sees Amber giving her the covert sign for help. Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Morgan calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. Two males cops arrive and Morgan follows them to the designer’s house.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber and her kids are in tears. Daniel yells at Morgan to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat. The conversation gets heated.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – LATER

Still superficial, Morgan tells the group that includes Bridget and Cinda (a cop) that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops witnessed when Morgan lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side ask for the restraining order he wants.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The two cops argue with Cinda and her partner, Rod, that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but Rod sides with Cinda so we know he’s reasonable.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Cinda and Morgan update the guild. Daniel got a restraining order against Morgan for trying to incite Amber to leave him by giving her the book. The guild members are sympathetic. Morgan sees it’s not going to be easy and wants to do more.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan’s Silva instructor tells her that she cannot use Silva to harm anyone or it will come back on her. She can empower an abused wife to have the strength she needs to escape from a distance.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel, emboldened and angry, slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her.

He’ll buy whatever they need. He spanks the kids for crying when they see him hit Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses Silva to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she empowers her and reduces her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The guild includes a Cinda, Bridget, Emily (a lawyer) and ER nurse Rhonda. They explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions. Rhonda has heard of NMT, intentional medicine and Morgan is interested.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan’s husband warns her to stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her. Stick with her little mind control stuff.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Bridget tells Morgan what shelter women need most to leave, citing one resident that Morgan will try to help with confidence and bruise healing.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. Her husband warns her about interfering, but the shelter’s current residents need support, courage and empowerment.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Rod thinks it’s abuse, but Cinda checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like usual. He ponders.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda tells Rod about how successful Morgan has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget, Cinda and Morgan shares Morgan’s successes. She shares books and web addresses for the training and the other guild women join her in learning Silva and NMT.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if Silva from a distance is legally OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and likens it to offering “thoughts and prayers” which is always OK.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. Morgan wonders if it is ethical when one woman punched her abuser in the gut after he hit her.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Cinda find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Rhonda says that Amber came through the ER with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately but Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to help Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel threatens to kill Morgan if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. Daniel says he knows she’s violated the restraining order. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — including checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference. Emily does pro bono legal work fora stream of women, Rod talks to the men while Cinda talks to the women on domestic disturbance calls and Bridget has more women and children leaving her shelter in success.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan gives abused women strength, takes away their fear and emotional pain and gives them the confidence to act. Silva can’t be used for evil. Gavin says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics, but won’t press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, no job, internet or car keys and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she leaves.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda relays Amber’s predicament to the guild and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Gavin supports Morgan in court to fight the renewal of the restraining order. He worries that if Daniel finds out about her mind control work, the may say she is violating the restraining order.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She hides her anger until he leaves and then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber retrieves her hidden stash of pain pills from her ER visits. She contemplates them.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda fears for Amber’s life because Daniel’s violence is escalating. The guild does Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber bakes Richard’s favorite dessert and gets the kids to be early so that he and mommy can have a special dinner. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Amber hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, Amber positions the knife over his heart and pushes it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, waits, and checks to see that he is no longer breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. Cinda asks her what happened. She explains, ending that this was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Rod talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. There is now a history of women harming their abusers because of the guild. The prosecutor charges the guild members as accessories.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The guild members, even Cinda, are all in separate interview rooms, charged as accessories to murder.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT

Morgan’s husband will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that all she did was the equivalent of thoughts and prayers.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, guild members testify to “thoughts and prayers” only. On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly, never that she hurt her husband. If Daniel was abusing Amber and she saw no other way out, it was self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The guild presents a passionate defense including the Silva teacher who swears he wasn’t involved. The charges are dropped.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer who says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Request for Exchange

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Plot Choice: Maturation

Character Structure: Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who learns mind control techniques to empower a woman who is being abused by her husband.
Daniel Richards is a fashion designer who keeps his wife and kids isolated in his home and suspects the protagonist of being in contact with them and working against him, growing angrier and even getting a restraining order against the fashionista.

Dramatic Question: If you use mind control methods to help people without their knowledge are you a criminal if the result is murder?

Main Conflict: As abuse escalates in a household, who will survive? The husband or the wife?

Dilemma: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?

Theme: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”.

Character Arc of Lead Character:

Morgan amuses herself with mind control techniques using them only for self-improvement. She fears getting so deeply into helping others that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions. She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes her power.

Structure:

Opening: Morgan meets Daniel’s abused wife, Amber, and kids, befriending them.

Inciting Incident: At Amber’s request, Morgan calls the police to arrest Daniel for abuse and a verbal contest between Morgan and Daniel erupts.

What the movie is about: Amber has refused to testify so charges have been dropped against Daniel, so Morgan must find must find another way to help Amber.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Morgan and the rest of her fiber arts guild, including Cinda, a cop, realize that outside interference often makes abuse worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave some strike against abusers with violence and the police are locking up more abusers.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: Amber lands in the ER in critical condition so the guild empowers the her to protect herself and her children which she does by killing Daniel after his next abusive action.

Crisis: The police charge the guild members as accessories to the murder because Cinda’s partner heard about the guild’s prior successes getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses and he thinks they have taken it too far.

Climax: At court, the guild and expert witnesses testify that their techniques are the equivalent of powerful “thoughts and prayers” and Amber is acquitted.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the guild’s favor.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 – Janeen’s Pass #10 – Essence Only

LOGLINE: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: If you use mind control methods to help people without their knowledge are you a criminal if the result is murder?

MAIN CONFLICT: As abuse escalates in a household, who will survive? The husband or the wife?

DILEMMA: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?

THEME: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Richard slaps and punches his wife, Amber, because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Superficial Morgan leaves her mind control class chatting with her classmates. Is mind control real or is it really just about boosting confidence?

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their two kids at a women’s shelter. Amber pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

Bridget, who runs the shelter, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter only a few hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She whimpers.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave Daniel so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber who is holding her kids in the darkened living room. Morgan is satisfied she has helped someone in need.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he walks her to the door, she sees Amber giving her the covert sign for help. Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Morgan calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. Two males cops arrive and Morgan follows them to the designer’s house.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber and her kids are in tears. Daniel yells at Morgan to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat. The conversation gets heated.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – LATER

Still superficial, Morgan tells the group that includes Bridget and Cinda (a cop) that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops witnessed when Morgan lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side ask for the restraining order he wants.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The two cops argue with Cinda and her partner, Rod, that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but Rod sides with Cinda so we know he’s reasonable.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Cinda and Morgan update the guild. Daniel got a restraining order against Morgan for trying to incite Amber to leave him by giving her the book. The guild members are sympathetic. Morgan sees it’s not going to be easy and wants to do more.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan’s Silva instructor tells her that she cannot use Silva to harm anyone or it will come back on her. She can empower an abused wife to have the strength she needs to escape from a distance.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel, emboldened and angry, slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her.

He’ll buy whatever they need. He spanks the kids for crying when they see him hit Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses Silva to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she empowers her and reduces her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The guild includes a Cinda, Bridget, Emily (a lawyer) and ER nurse Rhonda. They explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions. Rhonda has heard of NMT, intentional medicine and Morgan is interested.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan’s husband warns her to stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her. Stick with her little mind control stuff.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Bridget tells Morgan what shelter women need most to leave, citing one resident that Morgan will try to help with confidence and bruise healing.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. Her husband warns her about interfering, but the shelter’s current residents need support, courage and empowerment.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Rod thinks it’s abuse, but Cinda checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like usual. He ponders.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda tells Rod about how successful Morgan has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Bridget, Cinda and Morgan shares Morgan’s successes. She shares books and web addresses for the training and the other guild women join her in learning Silva and NMT.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if Silva from a distance is legally OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and likens it to offering “thoughts and prayers” which is always OK.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. Morgan wonders if it is ethical when one woman punched her abuser in the gut after he hit her.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Cinda find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

Rhonda says that Amber came through the ER with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately but Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to help Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel threatens to kill Morgan if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. Daniel says he knows she’s violated the restraining order. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

Cinda works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — including checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference. Emily does pro bono legal work fora stream of women, Rod talks to the men while Cinda talks to the women on domestic disturbance calls and Bridget has more women and children leaving her shelter in success.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan gives abused women strength, takes away their fear and emotional pain and gives them the confidence to act. Silva can’t be used for evil. Gavin says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics, but won’t press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, no job, internet or car keys and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she leaves.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda relays Amber’s predicament to the guild and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Gavin supports Morgan in court to fight the renewal of the restraining order. He worries that if Daniel finds out about her mind control work, the may say she is violating the restraining order.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She hides her anger until he leaves and then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber retrieves her hidden stash of pain pills from her ER visits. She contemplates them.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Rhonda fears for Amber’s life because Daniel’s violence is escalating. The guild does Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber bakes Richard’s favorite dessert and gets the kids to be early so that he and mommy can have a special dinner. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Amber hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, Amber positions the knife over his heart and pushes it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, waits, and checks to see that he is no longer breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. Cinda asks her what happened. She explains, ending that this was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Rod talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. There is now a history of women harming their abusers because of the guild. The prosecutor charges the guild members as accessories.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The guild members, even Cinda, are all in separate interview rooms, charged as accessories to murder.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT

Morgan’s husband will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that all she did was the equivalent of thoughts and prayers.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, guild members testify to “thoughts and prayers” only. On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly, never that she hurt her husband. If Daniel was abusing Amber and she saw no other way out, it was self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The guild presents a passionate defense including the Silva teacher who swears he wasn’t involved. The charges are dropped.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer who says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Outline Version 2

Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy

LOGLINE: A former Army Ranger and his teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents and a Secret Service agent, as they escape to a safe house.

OPENING: A failed Army mission left Nick, an Army Ranger, with a PTSD assistance dog named Grizzly, a teacup poodle. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf assistant points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent, IVY. Villains plan to use an FBI double agent, Agent Dasher, and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.

INCITING INCIDENT: Dasher and his men shoot Ivy and kidnap the parents (RUDY and HOLLY). Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more men and retrieving his go-bag.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1

In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. Dasher tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President’s parents and the manhunt is on.

MIDPOINT

After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, government agents catch up by tracking the FBI radio Nick took to monitor the feds’ pursuit. Nick has to take out Dasher and his men again. This time, Ivy, still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2

The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that Ivy is on the trail of Holly and Rudy. He tells Dasher to track Ivy’s phone to find the parents. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water and on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.

CRISIS

The villains track Ivy when she joins Nick, Holly, and Rudy at the cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.

CLIMAX

Using items from the cottage, the parents, Ivy, and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat the assassins. After tying the men up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.

RESOLUTION

The terrorists defeated, Ivy, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. Ivy and Nick have become a couple and Holly and Rudy wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Punchlines

What I learned doing this assignment is this is a great list I’ll keep handy while writing!

SCENE:

INT. SHOPPING MALL HALLWAY – DAY

IVY, a Secret Service agent who is inept, but via good luck and the work of the President’s parents she guards, has things go in her favor, is talking on the phone to her tech support person.

JOY, the tech support specialist is great at her job, but lives vicariously through Ivy’s action and romance filled life.

IVY

Check out this mall Santa for me, will you?

JOY

Send me a picture.

IVY

(suspicious)

Why?

JOY

(See below)

2. Punchlines:

Absurd Request — I want to see a picture of Santa. I’ve never met him in person, but if he’s hot, you can introduce me.

Comparison — Because if he looks like your notion of boyfriend material, I’m going to recommend you have your head examined.

Exaggeration — Because if he caught your eye, he must be the hottest Santa ever.

***Insult — Because you have horrible taste in men and I want to see if it extends to mall Santas.

Metaphor — Is this a “check out this potential date” check or a “this guy is dangerous” check?

Misinterpretation — I can’t check out someone I can’t see. I need a picture to see if he’s hot enough for you to date or if he’s a serial rapist on the ten most wanted list.

Parody — Because you asked me to check him out.

Rename — Just do it, Helpless Damsel

Reversal — You’re right, I don’t need anything to go on to check someone out. Never mind.

Understatement — Purile curiosity, that’s all. Never mind.

3. I like the Insult best — Because you have hour bye taste in men and I want to see it if extends to mall Santas.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pass #9 – Flag Scenes to Elevate

What I learned doing this assignment is that I hadn’t put a lot of the emotional journey in my scenes — they read more like stage direction — so anyone reading an outline like my current one wouldn’t see the emotional growth/change/intensity — only the physical motion. I doubt that’s as effective as it should be and as I hope the actual scenes will be. I have a tendency to include tidbits I already know will be in the scene in my outline which makes some scene summaries bloated, but I am loathe to remove/lose them. Ideas?

Scenes that have a problem are mostly talking head scenes. I need more action in those and there are a lot.
I added the hero’s emotional journey (a little) into scenes where that journey is displayed/advanced. I need to do it for additional characters to add more emotion to the scene descriptions/summaries.
My improved Outline/slug lines for

THE EMPOWERMENT GUILD

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Richard slaps and punches Amber because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Superficial Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them. Is it real or is it really just about boosting confidence? They debate it briefly.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

The woman who runs the shelter, a member of the bookclub, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter for a couple of hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Still at a superficial level, Morgan considers what she can
do to help Amber and decides Amber needs to empower herself
to leave so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She
sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber. Morgan is satisfied she has helped someone in need.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home. The cops (two males) show up at the designer’s house.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel stops to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat, not anything more than that. The conversation gets heated.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Still superficial, Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops (two males) witnessed when Morgan rolled up and lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with Daniel and ask for the restraining order.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The two cops argue with the guild cop and her partner that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but he capitulates on that one so we know he’s reasonable. “So he’s standing right there after he’s wailed on her enough that someone called the cops and she’s supposed to say, ‘sure I want to press charges.

2.

Why don’t you come back in an hour with a warrant for his arrest and if I’m still alive, I’ll testify.’ Really?”

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The cop says his wife refused to testify against him. Morgan says that he got a restraining order against her for harassment and for trying to incite her to leave him by giving her the book. The guild members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. Morgan, beginning to see it’s not going to be easy, wishes there was more she could do.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back
on her, but she can try to empower the wife who is being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape. Silva

can be done from a distance. She ponders that.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel, emboldened and angry, slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her. He tells her to make a list of groceries she needs and he will take care of it. He spanks the kids for crying when they see their mom being hit.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses Silva to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she does Silva to empower her. She finishes the evening by doing some additional Silva on Amber to reduce her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan, satisfied she has helped, talks to the her husband, a wealthy writer, about her efforts. He tells her he doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission. She says the Silva instructor said she could do it from a distance. He counters that there is a restraining order against her that prohibits her from talking to Amber. She’d be violating the restraining order to help her in any way. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Morgan tells her guild about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she has heard of NMT. She explains each briefly. The guild includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning.

3.

They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan’s husband warns her not to get involved as it may be dangerous. Stick to her little empowerment stuff, but stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, child care, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems
to feel better. Her husband asks her what she’s doing and
she explains intentional medicine. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence in Amber and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement, but telling her he thinks it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license — and without the patient’s consent. She ponders that, but feels

no compunction about doing the same thing for the shelter’s current residents. They are not in any physical danger right now and they need support, courage and empowerment.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Cop’s partner thinks it’s abuse, but she checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like she used to. He ponders.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.

4.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

The guild cop tells her partner about how successful what the guild is doing has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yes. The shelter woman tells the other guild members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor how she can help Amber. Invite her to class? Not an option. Then probably not much you can do for her. Morgan asks about distance work. Sure, if she okays it. Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them. Can she do it? He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, he guesses it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK? He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her. They cheer, but Morgan wonders if it’s ethical.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER

The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to help her.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head.

5.

She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING

The cop works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — includes checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband questions her about what she is empowering these women to do when more women begin fighting back or leaving. She says she’s just giving them strength, taking away their fear and emotional pain so they can think clearly about their situations and giving them confidence to act. He says it’s a slippery slope. She says Silva can’t be used for evil. He says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges telling the counselor she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the evening.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan’s husband supports her in her court fight over renewing the restraining order.

6.

7.

He believes her when she says she never wished anything bad to happen to Daniel, but worries the if Daniel finds out and takes her to court, the court won’t see it that way. She may be violating the restraining order.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She seethes and hides her anger until after he leaves the room. Then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.

INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING

Morgan and the guild do Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids since the ER nurse says she fears for Amber’s life due to the escalation pattern in the abuse.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he and mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, we see Amber position the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer pumping out of the wound, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The guild cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless.

8.

He spanked the kids harshly — was almost as angry as he got with her — and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

The guild cop’s partner talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. He believes that there is now a history of women harming their abusers and it is the guild’s fault. Now that a murder has happened, he convinces the prosecutor to charge them as accessories.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The guild are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that the guild cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT

Morgan’s husband will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that they discussed what she COULD do — the equivalent of thoughts and prayers.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, we see the defendants, the guild, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out. It would be self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The guild lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something.

9.

The teacher testifies that what the guild did would have been ethically wrong if they were professional practitioners, but that their work was the equivalent of “thoughts and prayers” for a woman in need. Who can fault someone for wanting a
wife and children to be safe in their own home? Did he help them in their work? No. He didn’t know what they were doing. It would have been unethical for him to participate or advise them so he did not. The experts have testified that the situation was escalating to Amber’s death. Daniel would have spent the rest of his kids’ childhood in prison. How was
that better than the current outcome? The children are safe with a loving mother. Isn’t that what anyone would have prayed for? The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress. The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Cliche Busting

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had some global cliches that needed attention. For me, I had a lot of talking head scenes which I placed in a book club at a library — ho hum!

Cliches being busted: Book Club, Library conference room meeting space — The purpose of the group contributes to the title of the movie as well so it’s important to get something that hasn’t been done.

Purpose: A place and organization that brings together disparate women with time/opportunity to chat about random topics/causes in relative privacy.

Ideas:

1. Community garden where they all contribute time <div>

2. Gym they all belong to

3. Church/religious prayer group

4. Yarn shop/Knitting group

5. Fiber guild — allows for any fiber craft that the actors may know or be interested in using.

6. Women’s Adventure group (tries lots of new sports/activities/events)

7. Sports group — tennis, pickle ball, golf, or even bowling)

8. Charity shop/drive (like Toys for Tots, Clothing for women reentering the work force, etc.)

My Criteria (besides non-cliche):

1. Must cross economic strata to include the members of my “club” </div><div>

2. Must meet regularly, can meet anywhere/any time

3. Must be a little trendy or able to follow trends

4. Must allow for the group’s conversations to be private and also allow one-on-one conversations.

Using the criteria above, I decided the following:

1. REJECTED: Community garden where they all contribute time — weather dependent, out in the open so privacy not assured, requires plants growing over weeks which may be an expensive setting and a hassle for shooting </div>

2. REJECTED: Gym they all belong to — gyms are rarely private

3. REJECTED: Church/religious prayer group — Too on the nose, plus may imply a religious endorsement

4. REJECTED: Yarn shop/Knitting group — Been done in many books already — all actors would have to knit/crochet

5. SELECTED: Fiber guild — allows for any fiber craft that the actors may know or be interested in using; teaching new crafts, working independently is par as are both group and private conversations. — Also, The Empowerment Guild has a nice ring to it.

6. REJECTED: Women’s Adventure group (tries lots of new sports/activities/events) — expensive to change sets for every “meeting”, implies a level of fitness and age that may not fit the actors, adventure “experts” for each meeting would be hard to block out of conversations

7. REJECTED: Sports group — tennis, pickle ball, golf, or even bowling) — actors would have to be involved in the sport, limiting choices, privacy not assured either

8. REJECTED: Charity shop/drive — boring and women aren’t likely to volunteer weekly as a group unless they belong to another overarching “group” or “organization”

[Janeen Johnson]

Cheryl,

Do we post all exchange reviews here in the forum or do it privately?

If privately, how can we connect with the other person? (directions, please)

Thanks!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Edited TV Pitch Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is that It’s still a struggle to pare down (and retain meaning) in this document. I went from 11 to 8 pages, strengthened the characters a bit and cut more of the text.

As someone else said, this took me a long time to do — much longer than I thought it would.

Since I’m writing a dramedy, I have 3 main live characters, 3 that are dead when the series starts and 4 “kid” characters (one 15 yo and three 11 yos). The younger kids have largely disappeared from the Bible except in the last few seasons where they are nearly of age.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Outline Version 1

Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy

A former Army Ranger and his PTSD teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent, vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue FBI agent, during a holiday chase to a lakeside cottage safe house.

OPENING: A failed Army mission in the war left Nick, an Army Ranger, with PTSD and a teacup poodle, Grizzly, as his PTSD assistance dog. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent. Villains plan to use an FBI double agent and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.

INCITING INCIDENT: The rogue FBI agent and his mercenary shoot the Secret Service agent and kidnap the parents. Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more mercenaries and retrieving his go-bag.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1

In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. The FBI agent tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President parents and the manhunt is on.

MIDPOINT

After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, the government agents catch up by tracking the FBI radio Nick has been using to monitor the manhunt. Nick has to take out the FBI agent and mercenary again. This time, the Secret Service agent, still beautiful and still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2

The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that the Secret Service agent is on the trail of the parents. He tells the FBI rogue agent to get all of the government’s assets tracking her phone. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water, on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.

CRISIS

The villains track the Secret Service agent when she joins Nick and the parents at the borrowed cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.

CLIMAX

Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat them. After tying them up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.

RESOLUTION

The terrorists defeated, the Secret Service agent, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Fast Formatting!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to work on learning this style of writing so it comes naturally. I’m still writing sentences. Out of time for this assignment, but as I write the actual screenplay, I’ll definitely work on this.

INT. MALL SANTA SET – DAY

Hearing gunshots, NICK takes GRIZZLY off his shoulder and holds him close to his face.

NICK Real?

Grizzly growls softly.

NICK (CONT’D)

Damn!

Nick slips Grizzly into his carrier and the carrier carrier strap into position in one fluid movement,already running toward the gunshots.

Rounding the corner, he sees IVY, not moving and presumed dead.

NICK (CONT’D) Oh no! You bastards!

The bad guys are hustling HOLLY and RUDY down the hall toward an exit at the couple’s slow speed.

Nick races after the them.

The mall cop pulls up from a side hallway on his Segway. Stares in bewilderment as Nick races by.

Nick is closing on a winterized fountain where a creche has been set up. He eyes it as he approaches.

The mall cop rolls at a sedate pace behind Nick.

Nick grabs the manger, dumping the baby out, wielding the manger like a weapon as he races on.

The mall cop looks in horror at the baby Jesus on the floor of the empty fountain as he passes.

The FBI agent wheels around, gun raised, when he hears Nick approach.

Nick, full speed, ducks and rolls forward toward the agent, the manger held above his head, clacking on the floor, shedding a piece or two of wood as Nick hurtles toward the agent.

The agent stares, dumbfounded as Santa rolls toward him.

Nick rolls to his feet with the manger still held above his head.

Nick crashes the manger into the head of the FBI agent who crumples.

The mercenary nudging HOLLY and RUDY along from behind turns too late. Nick has him in a strangle hold and his gun drops.

When the mercenary crumples, Nick drops him like a sack of potatoes as the mall cop rolls up on his Segway.

Nick pulls the Segway away from him.

The mall cop considers objecting.

Nick places the Segway in front of Rudy and lifts him onto it.

NICK (CONT’D) Hang on. Meet me at the south

entrance.

He lifts Holly up behind Rudy, placing her arms around Rudy’s waist.

NICK (CONT’D)
Got your feet on the platform?

Holly nods.

NICK (CONT’D)
I’ll catch up with you. Just lean

forward to go, back to stop, side to turn. Got it?

Rudy nods.
Nick turns to the mall cop.

NICK (CONT’D)
You! Follow them and make sure no

one bothers them until I catch up. The mall cop is dumbstruck.

NICK (CONT’D)
I’ll kill you if you don’t keep them

safe. Still dumbstruck.

You hear me? He snaps out of it.

NICK (CONT’D)

MALL COP I heard you.

Rudy leans forward and they begin to roll, the mall cop trailing after them, looking around in fright.

NICK
South entrance. You know where that

is?
Rudy nods vigorously as the Segway lurches down the hall.

Nick grabs a string of lights, tree and all, from outside a store and uses them to tie the FBI guy’s hands and feet. The lights continue to glow.

He grabs tinsel from the tree but it shreds. The mercenary begins to groan.

Santa suit flying, belly in the way, Nick grabs lights from a tree across the hallway and rushes back, tree in tow.

He rolls the mercenary, now struggling, onto his belly.

Nick jerks the guy’s hands behind his back and lashing his hands and feet expertly with the lights.

A crowd gathers as Nick works quickly, calmly, and efficiently.

Nick rises, grabs the guns near both bound men.

He dumps the bullets out of both guns and accelerates toward the locker room, discarding the guns in a pretzel shop trash can as he goes.

He glances in the direction of Holly and Rudy when he gets to the locker room hallway.

They are only about 5 stores away, the mall cop next to them.

Rudy struggles to steer and balance, bumping into a calendar cart and lurching away again as they make their way to the south entrance.

Nick groans and takes off for the locker room.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character’s Intro

What I learned from this assignment is I didn’t have a logline for the president’s mother. Now I do.

Nick is ex-special ops with a teacup poodle for a PTSD service dog. <div>

Ivy is very bad at the Secret Service personal detail business but doesn’t realize her success guarding the President’s parents is due to good looks, good luck, and outside help.

Holly, the President’s mother, is chased by kidnappers, but focused on matchmaking her Secret Service agent with the local mall Santa.

Rudy, the President’t father, is a retired CIA agent who fancies himself Bond-like, but stripped of his hearing aids and on the other side of 80, he’s an intelligent, but bumbling codger.

Scene:

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – MORNING

RUDY, an 80-ish dapper retired-CIA agent with hearing aids and glasses waits in the hallway of his apartment building talking on his state of the art cell phone.

RUDY
My wife insists I find out out who the mall Santa is at Century Mall.
I helped me when you were held hostage in Chili by five drug gang members who were about to cut your throat. You can help me with this.

He pauses.

The door opens and he quickly hangs up and pockets the phone.

IVY, late 30’s, in a stylish, but business-like suit and coat, exits the apartment. Calling back into the apartment.

IVY
Holly, we’re waiting in the hall.

You’ve got 30 seconds before we leave you at home.

Ivy and Rudy exchange a look.

RUDY
Fifty years of CIA experience and fifteen years of Secret Service can’t get that woman out of an apartment in less than a half hour.

IVY (smiling)

We’re failures. Rudy does an eye roll.

RUDY (under his breath)

Speak for yourself.

IVY What did you say?

RUDY (CONT’D)
Illegal or not, you WILL help me or

I’ll tell your wife that the torture in North Africa left you infertile and it’s not her fault you don’t have kids.

RUDY
I said you should probably see for yourself if she’s actually coming or if she’s on the phone again.

Ivy fishes her keys out of her pocket and is still searching for the key she wants in an oversized bunch of keys on a holiday-themed keychain when the door opens.

HOLLY, 80-ish, attractive, smartly dressed and talking on the phone, exits the apartment.

HOLLY
When you get his name, just leave me a message with it.

She pockets her phone and heads down the hall to the elevator.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Are we going or not? You can’t expect

Mr. Right to find you in a hallway, Ivy. Let’s go to the mall and check out that very interesting Santa.

Ivy pushes her earpiece’s button to speak.

IVY
The Christmas Tree is on the move.

The elevator door opens. Ivy steps in front of Holly and Rudy, pulls her gun and checks out the elevator.

HOLLY
Is your buddy getting that name?

RUDY
I doubt it. Against regulations.

Did you have any luck?

Holly shakes her head as Ivy motions for them to move to the back of the car, watching the hallway carefully as elevator doors slowly close. Holly and Rudy roll their eyes and chuckle.

RUDY (CONT’D) Just like a real agent.

HOLLY
We’ve got to find her a husband.

IVY
What are you two whispering about.

RUDY
We were just remarking on how professional you look today.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

More of Janeen’s Funny Situations

What I learned doing this situation is that it was fun to highlight the style, context, and personalities my characters bring to the scene.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

NICK returns to RUDY and HOLLY in the very feminine apartment where he left them.

Holly is heating water for tea and readying cups. Rudy is on the couch watching TV and snacking on candy from a box on the coffee table.

NICK
What are you doing? We’re hiding

here, not leaving a trail of evidence that we’ve been here.

Rudy and Holly give each other a startled look.

HOLLY This isn’t your place?

NICK (exasperated)

Of course not! I dog sit for this woman.

Holly raises her eyebrows and Rudy mouths “no dog”.

Nick crosses to Rudy, lifts him off the couch by slipping one hand under his upper arm and stuffs the bag of clothes into his arms.

NICK (CONT’D)
You two, into the bedroom. Change into these. Put your clothes and all of your electronics into the bag. Glasses and hearing aids too.

HOLLY
But I won’t be able to see without

my glasses.

RUDY
I need my hearing aids.

Nick rushes them to the bedroom a little more.

NICK
Everything. I’m going to check that bag when you’re done and everything you’re wearing now had better be in it.

Nick closes the door on the couple, let’s GRIZZLY out to run around the apartment, and quickly puts away the tea preparations and replaces the magazines on the coffee table, taking a chocolate as he puts the lid back on the box.

Grizzly whimpers.

NICK (CONT’D)
No chocolate for dogs, you know that.

INT. APARTMENT – LATER

NICK
Hurry it up, you two. Tick tock.

HOLLY emerges from the bedroom, tucking clothing into the bag.

NICK (CONT’D) I’ll take that.

HOLLY
These clothes are awful. They don’t fit right and I don’t ever wear this color.

NICK (exasperated)

We’re running for our lives here. Your wardrobe in not important.

HOLLY
Poor fitting clothes attract attention for the elderly. People think you’ve lost a lot of weight or are homeless and they stare.

Nick shrugs and makes a face at Holly when she isn’t looking.

NICK Where’s your husband?

HOLLY
He thought he needed a shave. You know he shaves twice a day.

NICK (losing it)

A shave? We’re running for our lives here. What part of that don’t you understand?

Nick rushes into the bedroom off the bathroom. RUDY has his face lathered up with a leg shaving gel and has not put on his pants yet.

Nick throws a towel at him. Wipe that off now. We don’t have time.

RUDY
It’ll only take a second. Holly hates it when I don’t shave twice a day and who knows when I’ll get another chance.

Nick grabs the towel back from Rudy and does a rough swipe of his face to get the shaving gel off it.

NICK
You smell like Strawberries. Put your pants on. Now!

Rudy toddles back to the bedroom where the pants are laid out on the bed and looks around the room.

NICK (CONT’D) What are you looking for?

RUDY
A chair. My doctor said I should never put pants on standing up. That’s how a lot of falls happen.

Nick pics Rudy up under both arms and sets him on the edge of the bed. He grabs the pants from dumbfounded Rudy and kneels to slip them over Rudy’s feet.

Holly appears in the doorway.

HOLLY What’s going on in here.

NICK
I’m changing the baby, what does it look like?

HOLLY
Neither one of uses diapers. We’re offended. And you better not have put one of those things on him. They were ladies. Men pee in a different place.

Nick waves her away, slipping odd showers on Rudy’s feet over strange socks.

Then he stand and pulls Rudy to his feet.

NICK

Pull your pants up. Let’s go. Griz, load up!

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Comedic Situation

What I learned doing this assignment is that any location or situation can be funny.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

NICK, still in his Santa suit with GRIZZLY in her carrier, enters the apartment of one of his dog walking clients.

The DOGS greet him enthusiastically. He puts Grizzly down and pats the dogs on their heads.

NICK Keep’em busy, Griz.

Grizzly immediately barks at the big dogs, runs around the couch and ducks underneath. The dogs run around from opposite ends. They look dumb-founded that Grizzly has disappeared.

Nick hurries into a bedroom, tears open the closet and grabs clothes for Holly and Rudy – or so he thinks. They won’t fit them properly and are clashing colors.

He hurries back to the living room, stops, snaps his fingers and returns to the bedroom.

He grabs a duffel out of the closet, stuffs in the clothes, grabs pairs of shoes, again, in colors/styles that don’t coordinate with the clothes and stuffs them in the bag.

He goes to the dresser and grabs handfuls of socks and underwear and stuffs those in the bag as well. Finally, seeing a box of adult diapers in the bathroom on his way by, he grabs a handful and stuffs them into the bag, barely able to zip
it.

He whistles for Grizzly as he walks quickly to the apartment door and she runs to him.

He scoops her up and sets her in the still open carrier, rushing from the apartment and closing the door before the dogs can follow him.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Great Action Set Piece!

What I learned doing this assignment is that adding the emotion does give meaning to the action as does showing the reactions of those watching the action scene unfold.

I added meaning to the scene which was action that was meaningful for my hero, Nick, but no one else. I added Ivy trying to decide if Nick is with the rogue FBI agent (one of the kidnappers) or if he was trying to save the parents or kidnap them himself. After watching the action scene, she realized that Nick was definitely not with the rogue FBI agent, but she still isn’t sure if he’s a good guy or not. She is sure that he’s taking good care of the parents and that she likes him and hopes he’s a good guy.

2. For expediency, I used a scene I had previously used in Lesson 11 and didn’t make any changes to the action at this point. I will need to fill in details later.

3. Modifications to the outline of my action set:

A. i added having Ivy positively deciding Nick is one of the good guys.

B. I had Ivy disable her own car so the couple she traded vehicles with can’t drive it.

C. Added reactions of all concerned to Nick’s performance in the fight scene.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pass 7 – Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had already done most of this in my earlier plotting. I missed one setup and added that here. This was a good check and made me look at scenes that I didn’t mark with a setup or payoff purpose to see what their purpose was.

1. Setup/Payoff Chains:

CHAIN 1: The designer’s abuse of his wife eventually leads to his death.

Setup: The designer’s wife is seen at a women’s shelter, but is returning home.

Payoff 1: She is beaten for daring to leave him, even for a little while.

Payoff 2: Amber gives Morgan the hand signal for needing help as Morgan leaves the designer’s house.

Payoff 3: Daniel punishes Amber by taking away her car keys and phone.

Payoff 4: The ER nurse says Amber came in with a broken wrist, but refused to press charges with Daniel hovering over her.

Payoff 5: Daniel suspects Amber is getting help and threatens Morgan for helping her — even though she has not seen or talked to Amber.

Payoff 6: Amber has had enough when Daniel slaps her around again and declares “enough”.

Payoff 7: Amber retrieves her secret stash of pain pills.

Payoff 8: Amber bakes a pain pill laced cake for Daniel — then she gives him a big piece of it.

Payoff 9: Amber pushes a large knife into Daniel’s chest while he is drugged, waits until he is dead and then calls the cops.

Payoff 10: Amber is interrogated and explains why Daniel’s death was the only answer.

Payoff 11: Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is deemed self-defense.

Payoff 12: The book club testifies that there is no legal proof of what they did, the teacher says it can’t be used for evil; Other experts testify that they prayed for the Amber to find a solution and this was the best solution for her family.

CHAIN 2: The fashionista learns how powerful Silva and NMT can be:

Setup: Morgan chats with Silva classmates about fashion, looks, health, etc. — lightweight uses for it.

Payoff 1: Morgan asks the Silva instructor about how to help and finds she cannot use Silva to harm Daniel.

Payoff 2: Morgan uses her powers to heal Amber’s bruises and reduce her emotional pain.

Payoff 3: The instructor suggests she invite Amber to class or do distance work on her. He can’t help because he is a pro, but she is an amateur so it wouldn’t be unethical.

Payoff 4: All of the book club people are involved and congratulate Morgan on the work they are doing.

Payoff 5: The entire bookclub works to save Amber and empower her to see herself.

Payoff 6: The defendants all swear that they knew her circumstances and offered thought and prayers. What they did empowered her to save herself. It did not encourage violence — Silva can’t do that.

Payoff 7: A designer asks Morgan for help for her neighbor. Morgan gives her a Silva book.

CHAIN 3: The cop convinces her partner and boss that patterns of abuse need to be taken more seriously.

Setup: The book club cop and her partner bump into the frustrated cops that responded to the Richards house and understand why Amber didn’t press charges.

Payoff 1: The book club cop works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging and to include checks with a hospital, police and shelter before making decisions.

CHAIN 4: The cop’s partner learns that mind control can be powerful and get real results and thinks it is dangerous.

Setup: The book club cop fills in her partner on what the book club has done. He wonders if it’s ethical.

Payoff 1: The book club cop’s partner tells the prosecutor about the book club’s work. He believes they are to blame for the murder and the prosecutor charges them as accessories to murder.

Payoff 2: The book club members are interrogated in separate rooms and all tell the same story.

CHAIN 5: The fashionista’s husband thinks her mind control classes and work are fun until he sees how serious it is.

Setup: Morgan’s husband thinks it’s unethical to help someone without their permission.

Payoff 1: Morgan’s husband tells her not to get involved because it will be dangerous.

Payoff 2: Morgan learns more about healing while her husband believes she can actually do little to help from a distance.

Payoff 3: When Morgan’s husband hears how many of the women are fighting back, he cautions her that she may be getting herself in trouble. He questions whether getting the women to fight back might be considered evil. — causing violence.

Payoff 4: Morgan’s husband says he’ll testify that she never did anything physical or verbal to cause Amber to kill her husband.

CHAIN 6: The book club lawyer is amused by the notion of mind control, but ends up defending it as a powerful took that the law can’t touch.

Setup: The book club empathizes, but feel they can do nothing to help.

Payoff 1: Morgan has been helping a woman at the shelter from a distance and learns her work has been fruitful. Others in the book club decide to give it a try.

Payoff 2: The woman who works at the shelter asks the bookclub to help 3 specific women and one of them scares her abusive husband when she strikes back.

2. I had actually gone through my outline before and done these so there was only one setup I missed as it was lumped into another scene (with a note to split things out). It’s done now.

3. I only added one thing to my outline so I won’t post it again.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

What I learned doing this assignment is that I thought I was including these subplots already, but I had holes in them. Spelling them out this way was helpful.

Existing Subplots:

The Cop and her Partner

Beginning: The cops show up at the designer’s house and argue that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but he capitulates on that one so we know he’s reasonable

2. Middle 1: The cops discuss her involvement in the book club’s efforts to help Amber. He says she’s interfering, she says she hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber at all. How can that be interference?

3. Middle 2: A wife breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. He thinks it’s abuse, but she checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like she used to. He ponders.

3. Middle 3: Another wife pushes her husband down the stairs during an argument. Again, history is on her side and he begins to admit that their empowerment may be working. What happens now? The couple is splitting. Again, empowerment seems to be working.

3. End: He believes that something they have done has led Amber to kill her husband. She says they both know the pattern. He was amping up every attack. For Amber, it was kill or be killed. He says, if only she had pressed charges. She says, you know they wouldn’t even be at trial yet, he would have been abusing the kids by then or Amber would be dead. He says, what Amber did was wrong and they empowered her to do it. The book club is as guilty as she is. The cop says prove it. Her partner gets a warrant for their arrest and the trial ensues.

2. Morgan and her Husband

1. Beginning: Morgan’s husband warns her not to get involved as it may be dangerous. Stick to her little empowerment stuff, but stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating her if he runs into her.

2. Middle: Her husband questions her about what she is empowering these wives to do when more wives begin fighting back or leaving. She says she’s just giving them strength, taking away their fear and emotional pain so they can think clearly about their situations and giving them confidence to act. He says it’s a slippery slope. She says Silva can’t be used for evil. He says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back?

3. Ending: Morgan’s husband supports her in her court fight. He believes her when she says she never wished anything bad to happen to Daniel, but worries the court won’t see it that way.

3. Morgan and her Silva teacher

1. Beginning: Morgan asks him how she can stop Daniel. He says she can’t use Silva to harm someone so there is not much she can do.

2. Middle: Morgan asks how she can help Amber. He says she can invite her to the class. She says that’s not possible. Then there probably isn’t much you can do for her. What about distance work? That would require her permission or it would be unethical.

3. Ending: The teacher testifies that what the book club did would have been ethically wrong if they were professional practitioners, but that their work was the equivalent of “thoughts and prayers” for a woman in need. Who can fault someone for wanting a wife and children to be safe in their own home? Did he help them in their work? No. He didn’t know what they were doing. It would have been unethical for him to participate or advise them so he did not. The experts have testified that the situation was escalating to Amber’s death. Daniel would have spent the rest of his kids childhood in prison. How was that better than the current outcome? The children are safe with a loving mother. Isn’t that what anyone would have prayed for?

2 & 3. The above subplots were not spelled out in my outline in every case. I’ll add them to my outline.

4. Added/emphasized the subplots in the outline to ensure they are included.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Episode Titles

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are many ways to create a title from the information in the episode descriptions (which are still too long). I’m sure I’ll be modifying the titles as I tweak and shorten the descriptions.

My title list:

Episode 1: Down on the Farm

Episode 2: Land Rich, Cash Poor

Episode 3: Driving Lesson

Episode 4: Parapsychology to the Rescue

Episode 5: From Dairy to Slurry

Episode 6: Planting

Episode 7: Rooting For Money

Episode 8: Threats

Episode 9: Flirting with Romance

Episode 10: A Matter of Ethics

Episode 11: Climates Change

Episode 12: Is There a Doctor In The House?

Episode 13: Midsummer Breakthroughs

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Unique Action!

What I learned doing this assignment is that focusing on the environment for the action is helping me amp up my holiday atmosphere, giving me more opportunities for comedy (it’s an action/comedy) and this will be a good checklist when I’m ready to start writing, to ensure I’ve planned to use this stuff creatively in the scenes with callbacks and setups.

Entire Story:

Environment: Holiday (mall, travel, cottages) <div>

Rules: Trust no one.

<div>

Villain: Unknown, bad FBI agent, possibly Secret Service agent, any law enforcement

Mission: Keep the parents safe until they can 1) talk to the president safely; 2) he can sort out the bad guys in the chain

Struggle: Staying off the grid, getting rid of all trackers, dodging bad guys, whiny, demanding parents.

Unique Skillset: Special ops background

Meaning: Saving the parents successfully means he will regain his self-respect and know that he can perform under pressure

Allies: Parents, their secret service agent who isn’t dead after all. 🙂

Weapon: All kinds of holiday and household stuff.

Step 2: Strategies for Uniqueness:

What if…?

Every house/apartment/vehicle/shop/boat they enter has holiday decorations that they find a use for as a weapon.

B. Take to an extreme:

Whole collections of holiday ornaments, known to be expensive, are used as weapons at several points in the script. The hero gravitates toward the expensive stuff as makeshift weapons and everyone else is appalled.

C. Specific to character or environment:

The special ops guy has a hyper-trained PTSD dog related to action moves and safety of the pup.

D. Shocking or Surprising:

The tiny dog is a worthy adversary at every turn. The parents are creative with weapons-from-decorations

E. Go opposite:

The secret service officer is a big liability, not the parents or mall Santa.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Tiny PTSD dogs, inept secret service who are good guys and survive without humiliation.

3. I actually like all of those and will add them to the sets/environments in every action scene in the movie because a) it needs holiday action amped up; b) it will make it more unique; and, c) it will be funnier.

4. I’m still updating my outline, but will be using the above list of Step 2 strategies as a checklist before I start writing.

5. This is a holiday movie and my outline to date had not had a lot of holiday-related action or environment that was important. I’m definitely amping that up.

I’m making the Secret Service officer much more inept — there is a reason she’s guarding the president’s parents, not someone more important — but lucky and trying hard so she’s likable, but a fun-to-play character.

I’m making my hero’s choice of weapons always something delicate, important or one-of-a-kind so the others cringe a LOT. Amping up the value, having him surprise them by choosing something lesser now and then only to have the bad guys ruin the important stuff.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Comedy Plots

What I learned doing the assignment is that I’ve crammed most of these three in my action/comedy’s logline.

A mall Santa rescues the President’s parents from a kidnapping by foreign nationals and a rogue FBI agent.

Fish out of Water

The mall Santa has no idea how to hide off-grid stateside. He’s used to war zones and all of the assets of the intelligence community at his service instead of working against him.

2. Incongruent Pairings

The ex-special ops guy with a teacup poodle as a PTSD service dog.

3. Hilarious Purpose

Keep the President’s parents safe from kidnapping while on the run from the kidnappers, the FBI, local police and the parents’ secret service agent.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Funny Scene

What I learned from this assignment is that stacking comedy in places keeps the audience rolling. Breaks are needed after 3-4 stacks.

I chose an excerpt from Guardians of the Galaxy II where the team is escaping (yet again). I chose a crew-only scene because they are generally non-stop laughs.

I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK – MOMENTS LATER

Gamora MOVES UP from the stairs. Rocket and Quill are in the pilot seats. Drax is moving up from the back.

QUILL

We got an armed Sovereign fleet, approaching from the rear.

Gamora takes the center seat, sees a REARVIEW SCAN:

Golden, capsule-shaped, Sovereign OMNICRAFT, with a video screen on front and a blaster on each side – getting closer.

SETUP

GAMORA

Why would they do that?!

PAYOFF — UNEXPECTED RESPONSE

DRAX

Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.

Quill and Gamora look at Rocket, astounded. Rocket gawks at Drax, betrayed.

SETUP FOR THE NEXT COMEBACK

ROCKET

Dude.

PAYOFF — SARCASM

DRAX

Oh, right. He didn’t steal one of those. I don’t know why they’re after us. What a mystery this is.

THE SOVEREIGN FIRE UPON THE MILANO.

Quill does his best to evade their blasts.

SETUP

QUILL

What were you thinking?!

PAYOFF — UNEXPECTED HONESTY/INCONGRUITY

ROCKET

Dude, it was really easy to steal.

SETUP

GAMORA

That’s your defense?

PAYOFF – UNEXPECTED

ROCKET

Come on. You saw how that high-priestess talked down to us! I’m teaching her a lesson!

PAYOFF – SARCASM

QUILL

Oh! I didn’t realize your motivation was altruism. A shame the Sovereign have mistaken your intentions and are trying to kill us.

PAYOFF – UNEXPECTED HONESTY/SINCERITY

ROCKET

Exactly.

SETUP

QUILL I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

PAYOFF – UNEXPECTED SINCERITY

ROCKET

Oh no! You tricked me! You’re supposed to use a sarcastic voice!

Now I look foolish!

Drax points at Rocket and LAUGHS at him.

QUILL

SHUT UP, DRAX! You knew! You should have told us!

Drax is aghast. He looks at Rocket.

DRAX

Did you tell him it was easy to steal?

ROCKET

Are you kidding me?

DRAX

What?

ROCKET

You never listen to anything!

PAYOFF — SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO AUDIENCE (IN A WAY)

GAMORA

None of you listens! Can we please just put the bickering on hold until after we survive the massive space battle?!

Rocket glances at Quill, nodding back at Gamora.

SETUP

ROCKET

Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

PAYOFF – INCONGRUITY

QUILL

Do not try to bro down with me right now, dude. I will tricking punch you in your fricking face.

PAYOFF – SARCASM

ROCKET

Real nice! Resorting to violence.

QUILL

More incoming!

MORE SHIPS FLY AT THEM from the front.

ROCKET

Good! I want to kill some guys!

They twist and turn between the oncoming ships as ROCKET FIRES AT THEM, SCREAMING. They EXPLODE.

On the front of the Sovereign ships is the VIDEO IMAGE OF A

PILOT.

SOVEREIGN PILOT (ON SHIP)

Bloody hell!

[Janeen Johnson]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 – Janeen’s Pass #5 – Action/Reaction

What I learned doing this assignment is I needed more “emotion” on the antagonist’s side of the chart to further fan the flames.

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Protagonist Goal: To save the designer’s wife — and other women — who are in abusive relationships

Protagonist Character Arc: Morgan is originally a fairly shallow woman who cares about fashion and takes Silva Mind Control classes and NMT to further her own interests in fashion and society.

As she becomes embroiled in Amber’s situation with Daniel, the designer, she starts to take what Silva and NMT can do more seriously and what she should be doing more seriously as well.

She begins to believe that she can help others and recruits her book club to help her help others.

Morgan eventually empowers Amber to stick up for herself which, in her case, means killing her tormentor, Daniel and Morgan has to decide if what she has done to empower Amber was ethical or not.

Morgan and a court of law see nothing illegal in what she has done and she resolves that it is also ethical as it was a case of Amber or Daniel’s lives at that point. Daniel held all of the cards and Amber was powerless, except for the pills and knife.

Main Conflict: Morgan feels obligated to help Amber escape from her abusive husband, Daniel, after she calls the cops on Daniel and ends up with a restraining order against her. She knows things are now worse for Amber and feels responsible, somewhat powerless and desperate to find a way to help her to escape for good from Daniel.

2. Action/Reaction Events

Morgan takes classes

3. Emotional moments for the Protagonist:

When she sees the designer’s wife for the first time

When she sees the designer’s wife bruised at the house

When she calls the cops and has a chance (and the safety) to light into Daniel

When Daniel gets the restraining order against her.

When she hears that Amber has been beaten worse after Daniel is freed

When her Silva instructor tells her it isn’t ethical for a practitioner to work on someone without their consent

When she finds they have helped someone at the shelter — multiple times

When she hears that Amber was in the ER again

When she hears that Amber killed Daniel

When she is arrested

When she is vindicated.

4. Modified Outline

PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening: The fashionista, Morgan, leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Richard slaps and punches Amber because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them. Is it real or is it really just about boosting confidence? They debate it briefly.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

The woman who runs the shelter, a member of the bookclub, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter for a couple of hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.

Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, Morgan secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and Morgan calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between Morgan and designer erupts.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan considers what she can do to help Amber and decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and

deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel stops to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of simple family spats, not anything more than that. The conversation gets heated.

By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with Morgan and gets a restraining order against her.

The women nod to one another. Daniel gets a restraining order against Morgan for harassment. Amber has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. Morgan must find another way to help the abused wife.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops (two males) witnessed when Morgan rolled up and lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with Daniel and ask for the restraining order.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The cop says his wife refused to testify against him. Morgan says that he got a restraining order against her for harassment and for trying to incite her to leave with the book she gave her. The book club members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. She wishes there was more she could do.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back on her, but she can try to empower the wife who is being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape.

Silva can be done from a distance. She ponders that.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Daniel slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her. He tells her to make a list of groceries she will need and he will take care of it. He spanks the kids for crying when they see their mom being hit.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses a combination of Silva and NMT to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she does Silva to empower her. She finishes the evening by doing some NMT on Amber to reduce her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan talks to the her husband, a wealthy writer, about her efforts. He tells her he doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission. She says the Silva instructor said she could do it from a distance. He counters that there is a restraining order against her that prohibits her from talking to Amber. She’d be violating the restraining order to help her in any way. She feels compelled to do something.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Morgan talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. They explore ways to help abused women and find that in this case, the husband is both powerful and totally in control of his wife. Since outside interference often makes things worse and already has gotten Morgan in legal trouble, they agree to try mind control techniques to help women in danger.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells her book club about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she also does NMT at home. She explains each briefly. The book club includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning. They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. Her husband asks her what she’s doing and she explains intentional medicine. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence in Amber and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement, but telling here he thinks it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license — and without the patient’s consent. She ponders that, but feels no compunction about doing the same thing for the shelter’s current residents. They are not in any physical danger right now and they need support, courage and empowerment.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yes. The shelter woman tells the other book club members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others and they can be done without the consent/knowledge of the receiver, they devise ways to use Silva techniques to fortify Amber and some women in the shelter so they can monitor results. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers once they testify

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them. He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK? He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO MONTHS LATER

BREAK THIS UP INTO PIECES TO SHOW, DON’T TELL BITES THAT ADDRESS HELPING LAW ENFORCEMENT BE MORE EFFECTIVE, CONVINCING LAW ENFORCEMENT AND PROSECUTORS THAT IT IS A PRIORITY, ETC. The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave the abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her.

The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence. The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan resolves to help her.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The book club ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition after she tries to fight back. Incensed, Morgan wants to actively push the abused wife to press charges and take the family into her home. The book club talks her out of it for legal reasons and uses all of their Silva efforts to empower the wife to protect herself and her children imbuing her with confidence, emotional strength and vision. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the day.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She seethes and hides her anger until after he leaves the room. Then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill

prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan and the book club do Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids since the ER nurse says she fears for Amber’s life.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he and mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

With surgical precision, we see her set the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer gushing, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken their interference too far.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The book club cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless. He spanked the kids harshly — was almost as angry as he got with her and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

The book club cop’s partner talks to the prosecutor about the book club’s work in encouraging women to fight back. He believes that there is now a history of women harming their abusers and it is the book club’s fault. Now that a murder has happened, he convinces the prosecutor to charge them as accessories.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The book club are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that the book club cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.

Climax: At court, the lawyer in the book club has them all swear that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever (except for Morgan, but only before the restraining order went into effect) — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”, a term the cop who turned them in used derisively when he first heard about it from his partner, the cop in the book club. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and religious “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. She cites Silva’s maxim that you cannot use the techniques to hurt others. Therefore, they are not accessories.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, we see the defendants, the book club, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out. It would be self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The book club celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The book club lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something. The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress. The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s NQ 3 and 4

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had already added a lot of the proper scenes to examine these two items.

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly. <div>

Dilemma: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?

How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? Morgan shows up at the house and sees the abused Amber who then asks for help. She sees that Amber has been beaten and is afraid and uses a sign for needing help rather than speaking. Can she help her via Silva more than doing nothing? Is she obligated?

How are both sides of the issue built up? The police argue that they need evidence to arrest and the wife will have to testify in all of these cases. The court lets the men go or only imposes a restraining order which he ignores to beat her up. The cop’s partner says it’s unethical to “treat” people without their consent even though it is dangerous to even talk to them. The restraining order makes it harder for Morgan to help, but keeps Amber a little safer. Does it embolden Daniel? When other women injure their abusive spouses in getting away, is that a good thing? (warns the abuser not to try abuse again) or a bad thing? (Teaches kids to fight back, but in the right way? Is also abuse and against the law or justifiable?)

When does the protagonist make the choice? When one woman severely injures her husband and it looks like Amber may die if she doesn’t get help, Morgan decides regardless the legal issues, she has to go on helping. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t.

What do they lose in making that choice: Freedom from culpability of future violence in their own consciences, not in the courts.

Theme: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”. </div><div>

What are both sides of your theme?

People say they will pray for someone, but what are they really praying for? Deliverance? Tolerance? Strength? “God’s help?”
Silva said you couldn’t use his techniques for evil. Who can you help? You can’t punish the abusers. Can you stop them? Can you empower the abused?

How will both sides show up throughout your story?

The cop takes the “it’s unethical” route.
The Silva instructor says it’s OK, but iffy, if you’re not a professional and don’t have the client’s permission..
The librarian says it’s akin to “thoughts and prayers” — nothing illegal or unethical about praying for people without their knowledge, is there?

How does the climax of the story demand your message? The book club is arrested as accessories to murder.

A. Testimony from all concerned states that they never talked to Amber

B. They testify that they only offered Thoughts and Prayers

C. The Silva expert explains that it cannot be used for harm — it would come back on the person asking for harm.

D. They are vindicated as is Amber who acted in self-defense.

PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening: The fashionista, Morgan, leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them. Is it real or is it really just about boosting confidence? They debate it briefly.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

The woman who runs the shelter, a member of the bookclub, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter for a couple of hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.

Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, Morgan secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and Morgan calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between Morgan and designer erupts.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan considers what she can do to help Amber and decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse.

It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel stops to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of simple family spats, not anything more than that. The conversation gets heated.

By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – AFTERNOON

While one bad guy is on the phone, they take out the other one and then the one on the phone. Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and hero (and his little dog) defeat the bad guys. Other bad guys (cleanup guys) are on the way, however, so they have to hurry.

Danger, Excitement, Adrenaline

NICK and IVY are sitting on the floor with their hands tied behind their backs, feet tied at the ankles. HOLLY and RUDY are sitting at the table. Their hands and feet aren’t tied, but they are tied to the chairs by ropes around their waists. BAD GUY 1 and BAD GUY 2 are pacing. A CLOCK is ticking.

Rudy is wiggling in his chair. Nick gives Rudy a nod.

RUDY

I have to go to the bathroom.

BAD GUY 1

You were in the bathroom when we got here.

RUDY

I just took my blood pressure medicine when you guys came in. I hadn’t taken it for a couple of days. That’s stuff’s a diuretic. You know what that means?

BAD GUY 1

Diarrhea?

RUDY

(disgusted)

No, you moron. It means I have to pee. A lot and often. I need to go now.

BAD GUY 1

Untie him and let him go, but don’t let him out of your sight.

RUDY

I can’t pee when someone’s watching. I’ll need a little privacy in the bathroom.

BAD GUY 1

Stand outside the door.

RUDY

Hurry. I don’t have any spare pants.

Bad Guy 1 fumbles with the rope while Bad Guy 2 watches. Nick catches Ivy’s eye and looks from there to the ropes tying her hands with a significant look.

HOLLY

I’m going to have to go as soon as he’s done. Can you untie me so I’m ready?

BAD GUY 1

Let me guess. Diuretics?

HOLLY

No. Two glasses of iced tea.

Bad Guy 1 sets to work on Holly’s ropes.

NICK

(whispering)

Bring your hands over to mine and I’ll get your ropes loose.

IVY

How are you going to do that?

NICK

Be quiet and do as I say.

Ivy is incensed at being ordered. Nick gives her a challenging stare and she relents. They skooch closer to one another, turning until their hands touch behind their backs.

BAD GUY 1

You two, shut up.

NICK

Yes, sir.

HOLLY

I really, really have to go. Isn’t there another bathroom in this place?

BAD GUY 1

There’s one in the master bath. Let’s go.

Holly winks at Nick and Ivy as she leaves the room.

Nick reaches under Holly’s hands and tugs. Her ropes are instantly loosened so she can slip her hands out.

IVY

(whispering)

How did you do that?

Ivy quickly unties Nick’s hands.

NICK

I was a Boy Scout.

IVY

You were special ops. I’ve seen your record.

They both untie their own feet and scramble to them quietly.

NICK

Checking me out, huh?

Ivy gives him a quick head shake and reaches for a glass angel from the counter. Nick grabs a ceramic Santa. (Danger)

IVY

Appropriate.

They both chuckle.

The bathroom door opens and Rudy shuffles out of the bathroom. He sees Nick with one finger to his lips and the Santa held aloft.

RUDY

Did I get my fly zipped? I can’t see in this light.

Bad Guy 2 leans over to see if the fly is zipped. Nick takes a couple of steps closer.

RUDY

Holly will give me hell if I come out with my fly only half zipped.

Nick whacks Bad Guy 2 on the head and pulls his gun from where he had it tucked in the waist of his pants as he slumps to the floor. (Excitement)

Nick looks around for something to tie him with Rudy hands him a curling iron from the bathroom. Nick ties Bad Guy 1’s hands behind his back with the cord, slipping the curling into the back of his pants for good measure.

RUDY

That’s a new kind of wedgie.

Nick smiles and looks around for something to bind his feet.

NICK

Gag him. Stuff a paper towel in his mouth and then tie one of those curtain ties around it.

Rudy toddles to the counter, gets a paper towel and takes the holiday themed tieback from a kitchen curtain while Nick uses the hair dryer cord to tie Bad Guy 2’s feet.

When Rudy gets back with the paper towel and tie, he hands them to Nick who deftly gags Bad Guy 2.

BAD GUY 1

Hey, what’s going on out there?

RUDY

I missed the toilet. Your buddy’s trying to clean it up for me. He’s a great guy, you know? Not many guys would clean up another guy’s pee, but I couldn’t reach it. Beside the toilet, you know? I couldn’t get down there.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 MASTER BATH – DAY

Bad Guy 1 shakes his head in disgust.

BAD GUY 1

What a moron.

He raps on the bathroom door.

BAD GUY 1

What’s going on in there?

HOLLY

Do you really want to know?

Bad Guy 1 rolls his eyes.

BAD GUY 1

Come back to the kitchen as soon as you finish. And use the exhaust fan.

HOLLY

What are you implying?

Bad Guy 1 waves in disgust and heads for the kitchen. Nick and Ivy stand at the ready with their Santa and angel at the ready. Nick mimes for Ivy to go for the guy’s gun. (Adrenaline)

When he is almost to the doorway where Nick and Ivy are hidden, Holly calls out.

HOLLY

Hey, big shot. Can you get this new package of toilet paper open for me?

Bad Guy 1 turns around to respond and Nick hits him on the head with the Santa figurine. The guy turns back to Nick, gun in hand.

Ivy whacks his gun hand with the angel. It shatters on the gun and he still holds it.

Grizzly jumps onto Bad Guy 1’s shoulder and bites his ear lobe. He howls in pain, reaching up to flick off Grizzly. Nick grabs his hand midway to his ear and deflects it from Grizzly, neatly wrenching it behind the guy’s back.

Ivy stomps on Bad Guy 1’s foot, grabs the gun from his hand and turns it on him.

IVY

On your knees now or I’ll shoot off your kneecaps.

Bad Guy 1 looks startled and gives Nick, who holds his arm behind his back a look of terror.

NICK

She means it. Get down.

IVY

(shouting)

Now!

Bad Guy 1 drops to his knees. Nick pushes him forward onto his belly, still holding his arm behind his back.

Rudy ambles into the hallway carrying a string of outdoor lights and an extension cord.

RUDY

Can you use these?

NICK

Thanks, buddy. You and the missus are good at this.

RUDY

Thanks! We watch a lot of McGyver.

Nick gives Ivy a smile, shakes his head, and binds up Bad Guy 1.

NICK

Where shall we stash them? It won’t be long before the rest of them show up.

IVY

Guest Room Closet. People always check the master, but never the guest room.

Holly comes in with the other kitchen curtain tie and a paper towel for Nick.

HOLLY

She’s right. They always figure it’s full of jigsaw puzzles and old quilts.

The women nod to one another.and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. Morgan must find another way to help the abused wife.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops (two males) witnessed when Morgan rolled up and lit into

Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with Daniel and ask for the restraining order.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The cop says his wife refused to testify against him. Morgan says that he got a restraining order against her for harassment and for trying to incite her to leave with the book she gave her. The book club members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. She wishes there was more she could do.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back on her, but she can try to empower the wife who is being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape. Silva can be done from a distance. She ponders that.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses a combination of Silva and NMT to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she does Silva to empower her. She finishes the evening by doing some NMT on Amber to reduce her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan talks to the her husband, a wealthy writer, about her efforts. He tells her he doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission — especially the NMT she’s into. She says the Silva instructor said she could do it from a distance. He counters that there is a restraining order against her that prohibits her from talking to Amber. She’d be violating the restraining order to help her in any way. She feels compelled to do something.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Morgan talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. They explore ways to help abused women and find that in this case, the husband is both powerful and totally in control of his wife. Since outside interference often makes things worse and already has gotten Morgan in legal trouble, they agree to try mind control techniques to help women in danger.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells her book club about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she also does NMT at home. She explains each briefly. The book club includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning.

They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. Her husband asks her what she’s doing and she explains intentional medicine. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence in Amber and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement, but telling here he thinks it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license — and without the patient’s consent. She ponders that.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yet. The shelter woman tells the other book club members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others and they can be done without the consent/knowledge of the receiver, they devise ways to use Silva techniques to fortify Amber and some women in the shelter so they can monitor results. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers once they testify

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them.

He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO MONTHS LATER

BREAK THIS UP INTO PIECES TO SHOW, DON’T TELL BITES THAT ADDRESS HELPING LAW ENFORCEMENT BE MORE EFFECTIVE, CONVINCING LAW ENFORCEMENT AND PROSECUTORS THAT IT IS A PRIORITY, ETC. The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave the abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her. The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence. The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan resolves to help her.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The book club ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition after she tries to fight back. Incensed, Morgan wants to actively push the abused wife to press charges and take the family into her home. The book club talks her out of it for legal reasons and uses all of their Silva efforts to empower the wife to protect herself and her children imbuing her with confidence, emotional strength and vision. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the day.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She seethes and hides her anger until after he leaves the room. Then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he and mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

With surgical precision, we see her set the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer gushing, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has

told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken their interference too far.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The book club cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless. He was starting to get shorter with the kids — almost as angry as he got with her and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The book club are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that the book club cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.

Climax: At court, the lawyer in the book club has them all swear that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever (except for Morgan, but only before the restraining order went into effect) — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”, a term the cop who turned them in used derisively when he first heard about it from his partner, the cop in the book club. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and religious “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. She cites Silva’s maxim that you cannot use the techniques to hurt others. Therefore, they are not accessories.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, we see the defendants, the book club, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out. It would be self-defense.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The book club celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The book club lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something. The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress. The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

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[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Level 3 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is that emotion can be built in or added in later to enhance the excitement of a scene.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – AFTERNOON

While one bad guy is on the phone, they take out the other one and then the one on the phone. Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and hero (and his little dog) defeat the bad guys. Other bad guys (cleanup guys) are on the way, however, so they have to hurry.

Danger, Excitement, Adrenaline

NICK and IVY are sitting on the floor with their hands tied behind their backs, feet tied at the ankles. HOLLY and RUDY are sitting at the table. Their hands and feet aren’t tied, but they are tied to the chairs by ropes around their waists. BAD GUY 1 and BAD GUY 2 are pacing. A CLOCK is ticking.

Rudy is wiggling in his chair. Nick gives Rudy a nod.

RUDY

I have to go to the bathroom.

BAD GUY 1

You were in the bathroom when we got here.

RUDY

I just took my blood pressure medicine when you guys came in. I hadn’t taken it for a couple of days. That’s stuff’s a diuretic. You know what that means?

BAD GUY 1

Diarrhea?

RUDY

(disgusted)

No, you moron. It means I have to pee. A lot and often. I need to go now.

BAD GUY 1

Untie him and let him go, but don’t let him out of your sight.

RUDY

I can’t pee when someone’s watching. I’ll need a little privacy in the bathroom.

BAD GUY 1

Stand outside the door.

RUDY

Hurry. I don’t have any spare pants.

Bad Guy 1 fumbles with the rope while Bad Guy 2 watches. Nick catches Ivy’s eye and looks from there to the ropes tying her hands with a significant look.

HOLLY

I’m going to have to go as soon as he’s done. Can you untie me so I’m ready?

BAD GUY 1

Let me guess. Diuretics?

HOLLY

No. Two glasses of iced tea.

Bad Guy 1 sets to work on Holly’s ropes.

NICK

(whispering)

Bring your hands over to mine and I’ll get your ropes loose.

IVY

How are you going to do that?

NICK

Be quiet and do as I say.

Ivy is incensed at being ordered. Nick gives her a challenging stare and she relents. They skooch closer to one another, turning until their hands touch behind their backs.

BAD GUY 1

You two, shut up.

NICK

Yes, sir.

HOLLY

I really, really have to go. Isn’t there another bathroom in this place?

BAD GUY 1

There’s one in the master bath. Let’s go.

Holly winks at Nick and Ivy as she leaves the room.

Nick reaches under Holly’s hands and tugs. Her ropes are instantly loosened so she can slip her hands out.

IVY

(whispering)

How did you do that?

Ivy quickly unties Nick’s hands.

NICK

I was a Boy Scout.

IVY

You were special ops. I’ve seen your record.

They both untie their own feet and scramble to them quietly.

NICK

Checking me out, huh?

Ivy gives him a quick head shake and reaches for a glass angel from the counter. Nick grabs a ceramic Santa. (Danger)

IVY

Appropriate.

They both chuckle.

The bathroom door opens and Rudy shuffles out of the bathroom. He sees Nick with one finger to his lips and the Santa held aloft.

RUDY

Did I get my fly zipped? I can’t see in this light.

Bad Guy 2 leans over to see if the fly is zipped. Nick takes a couple of steps closer.

RUDY

Holly will give me hell if I come out with my fly only half zipped.

Nick whacks Bad Guy 2 on the head and pulls his gun from where he had it tucked in the waist of his pants as he slumps to the floor. (Excitement)

Nick looks around for something to tie him with Rudy hands him a curling iron from the bathroom. Nick ties Bad Guy 1’s hands behind his back with the cord, slipping the curling into the back of his pants for good measure.

RUDY

That’s a new kind of wedgie.

Nick smiles and looks around for something to bind his feet.

NICK

Gag him. Stuff a paper towel in his mouth and then tie one of those curtain ties around it.

Rudy toddles to the counter, gets a paper towel and takes the holiday themed tieback from a kitchen curtain while Nick uses the hair dryer cord to tie Bad Guy 2’s feet.

When Rudy gets back with the paper towel and tie, he hands them to Nick who deftly gags Bad Guy 2.

BAD GUY 1

Hey, what’s going on out there?

RUDY

I missed the toilet. Your buddy’s trying to clean it up for me. He’s a great guy, you know? Not many guys would clean up another guy’s pee, but I couldn’t reach it. Beside the toilet, you know? I couldn’t get down there.

INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 MASTER BATH – DAY

Bad Guy 1 shakes his head in disgust.

BAD GUY 1

What a moron.

He raps on the bathroom door.

BAD GUY 1

What’s going on in there?

HOLLY

Do you really want to know?

Bad Guy 1 rolls his eyes.

BAD GUY 1

Come back to the kitchen as soon as you finish. And use the exhaust fan.

HOLLY

What are you implying?

Bad Guy 1 waves in disgust and heads for the kitchen. Nick and Ivy stand at the ready with their Santa and angel at the ready. Nick mimes for Ivy to go for the guy’s gun. (Adrenaline)

When he is almost to the doorway where Nick and Ivy are hidden, Holly calls out.

HOLLY

Hey, big shot. Can you get this new package of toilet paper open for me?

Bad Guy 1 turns around to respond and Nick hits him on the head with the Santa figurine. The guy turns back to Nick, gun in hand.

Ivy whacks his gun hand with the angel. It shatters on the gun and he still holds it.

Grizzly jumps onto Bad Guy 1’s shoulder and bites his ear lobe. He howls in pain, reaching up to flick off Grizzly. Nick grabs his hand midway to his ear and deflects it from Grizzly, neatly wrenching it behind the guy’s back.

Ivy stomps on Bad Guy 1’s foot, grabs the gun from his hand and turns it on him.

IVY

On your knees now or I’ll shoot off your kneecaps.

Bad Guy 1 looks startled and gives Nick, who holds his arm behind his back a look of terror.

NICK

She means it. Get down.

IVY

(shouting)

Now!

Bad Guy 1 drops to his knees. Nick pushes him forward onto his belly, still holding his arm behind his back.

Rudy ambles into the hallway carrying a string of outdoor lights and an extension cord.

RUDY

Can you use these?

NICK

Thanks, buddy. You and the missus are good at this.

RUDY

Thanks! We watch a lot of McGyver.

Nick gives Ivy a smile, shakes his head, and binds up Bad Guy 1.

NICK

Where shall we stash them? It won’t be long before the rest of them show up.

IVY

Guest Room Closet. People always check the master, but never the guest room.

Holly comes in with the other kitchen curtain tie and a paper towel for Nick.

HOLLY

She’s right. They always figure it’s full of jigsaw puzzles and old quilts.

The women nod to one another.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Presents Non-Stop Intrigue

What I learned doing this assignment is that with some distance, it is easier to see what a producer will care about and what is unnecessary in each part of the Pitch Bible.

In this round of improvements, I

A. Reduced repetition between the various segments of the bible;

B. Eliminated as much explanatory material as possible;

C. Eliminated secondary stories where necessary;

D. Hinted at background info that I feel readers/users will need rather than providing it; and,

E. Wordsmithed a little — couldn’t help myself.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is that this process certainly works. I’ve got a LOT of work ahead of me to do this to the rest of my pitch bible.

My original line: Two out of three of the women Mike Campion loved died in car/train crashes. So did he.

2. Rethink that line using ALL of these patterns:

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean

Two out of three of the women Mike Campion loved died in car/train crashes. So did Mike. Is Cara, his third love, next?

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

Mike Campion and two of the three women he loved have died in car/train crashes at the same intersection in the past six months. How could this possibly be a coincidence?

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

When Jim Walrath’s wife dies of an apparent suicide by driving into a moving train, it’s tragic. Mike and Molly Campion, her best friends, thought something was fishy about her accident and died in exactly the same way sans suicide notes. How can this be anything but murder?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Randi Campion lost her son and daughter-in-law in a train/car accident six months after they lost a close friend in exactly the same way. Randi is worried that Jim, the new widower, may have had something to do with all three deaths.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

When Jim Walrath’s wife died of an apparent suicide, everyone rallied around him. When his neighbors, his wife’s best friends, die in exactly the same way it can hardly be a coincidence.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Mike Campion, his wife and his ex-girlfriend all died in car/train accidents at the same intersection near their homes. Now that Cara, his soulmate, has arrived to sort out his estate, will she be next?

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

Just because Jim Walrath’s abused wife and the couple next door who were trying to help her escape him died in exactly the same way, that doesn’t mean he had anything to do with it, does it?

H. State the mystery.

Why did Molly Walrath commit suicide by driving into the path of a moving train? Why did her best friends die the same way six months later?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

It should have been suspicious when Molly Walrath died at a rail crossing and left a suicide note on her computer, but the only people who thought it was odd died exactly the same way six months later.

J. Intense language.

Jim Walrath’s wife died in a car/train accident and he wrote her suicide note. Six months later, Mike and Mindy Campion found evidence that the suicide note was faked and they died in a car/train accident the same week.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation

What I learned doing this assignment is that I was telling stories before even though they were based on the “intriguing” bits from the BW Framework. Ignoring the stories (cause, effect, circumstances) and just focusing on the actions shortened things considerably. The questions helped to make things a bit more exciting.

4. I changed the later seasons to include more intrigue — usually romantic/interpersonal drama rather than criminal activity. Betrayals don’t have to be illegal.

I also shortened a LOT based on NOT TELLING STORIES. I had given context to nearly all of my story threads since they are heavily interwoven. I can’t tell 1 character’s story and have interesting episodes as different characters figure heavily in storylines at different times. Eliminating context and cause allowed me to provide the intriguing bits with more brevity.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Level 2 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is that one “scene” expands a lot while building in Suspense and Surprise.

1. I chose the following scene from my Action/Comedy

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Nick, suspecting someone he sees while waiting for the President’s Mom at the bathroom is a villain, hustles them out a different door and back to the car where he left the radio. The hero successfully fights the agents who follow them having the parents get in the car. Nick is again, successful and they get away.

2. Scene Outline:

NICK hustles the President’s parents (RUDY and HOLLY) toward a Family Bathroom. They resist. Nick insists. Rudy and Holly give each other apologetic looks and shuffle into the bathroom.

Nick walks slowly around the area near the Family Bathroom, looking for the kidnappers.

The FBI agent and kidnappers enter the building and look around, not recognizing Nick in street clothes. (Surprise)

Outside, IVY pulls into the parking lot, takes a quick photo of the kidnappers’ plates and parks well away from them. She dials her phone.

Inside, the kidnappers check out the various shops and hallways, looking for the parents.

Nick checks his watch and taps the door to the Family Bathroom, whispering for the parents to hurry it up. Rudy and Holly make smart retorts and bicker inside.

Ivy gives her inside gal the license plate and says to report it stolen and disable it. Hurry!

Inside, one of the kidnappers goes in the Men’s room. There is a general rumble of “What the hell?” From inside. He emerges, shaking his head.

Nick moves to guard the Family Bathroom, snatching up a kid’s stray mitten from the floor. (Suspense)

The FBI agent goes in the Women’s bathroom and there is general mayhem. He announces himself as FBI, looks under the doors of all of the stalls, still holding his badge in front of him like a shield, then exits the bathroom.

The FBI agent spots Nick lingering in front of the Family Bathroom and asks him who’s in there. Nick fiddles with the kid’s glove, The wife and kids, he says. It’ll be a while.

Inside the Family Bathroom, Holly listens at the door as Rudy stands in front of the toilet. Rudy and Holly freeze when they hear the conversation outside – Rudy, midstream. Then Holly does an imitation of a whiny kid. Rudy indicates he’s struggling to finish the job.

The kidnappers move to another part of the Rest Stop. Nick taps on the door and says hurry it up in there. (Suspense)

Outside, Ivy negotiates with a young couple in an old van to trade vehicles. Is hers hot? No, she just needs a van. She gives them lots of hundreds and gets their phone number, saying she’ll meet up with them the next day and exchange back asking them not to smoke pot in her car because she’s Secret Service. (Surprise)

Holly and Rudy emerge from the bathroom and Nick hustles them out a back door and into the back seat of the car. He turns and sees the kidnappers heading toward the exit doors of the Rest Area and heads back toward the door, skirting the area so he’s not going directly from the car.

Ivy is on high alert, watching. (Suspense)

Nick waits until the kidnappers are outside and then begins to kick butt.

Holly and Rudy are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.

Ivy debates joining the fray, contacts her inside gal and asks if the car is disabled. Yes. Asks her to send her a picture of Santa out of costume. Nudes? (Shock) No, his face.

Nick takes down all of the bad guys, throws their guns under some cars as he hustles back to his car.

Holly and Rudy are shocked at his skills.

Inside the car, Nick checks on the parents and then hightails it out of the parking lot. Holly warns him that the kidnappers are watching them leave. Damn, we’ll have to change cars again.

Ivy sits in the van, waiting.

SCENE (Draft)

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

NICK hustles the President’s parents (RUDY and HOLLY) toward a Family Bathroom. They resist.

RUDY
We don’t do this together.

HOLLY
Some things are private no matter

how long you’ve been married.

RUDY Yeah, private.

Holly rolls her eyes indicating Rudy and shakes her head.

HOLLY (conspiratorial whisper)

Especially, now that he’s older.

NICK
I can’t have you in bathrooms with

other people and I can only guard one door. Now get in there and do what you’ve got to do. Fast.

Rudy and Holly give each other apologetic looks and shuffle into the bathroom.

Nick walks slowly around the area near the Family Bathroom, surreptitiously looking for the kidnappers.

The FBI agent and kidnappers enter the building and look around, not recognizing Nick in street clothes. (Surprise)

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

IVY pulls into the parking lot, takes a quick photo of the kidnappers’ plates and parks well away from them. She dials her phone.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

The kidnappers check out the various shops and hallways, looking for the parents. (Suspense)

Nick checks his watch and taps the door to the Family Bathroom.

NICK
Hurry it up in there! We’ve got

company.

HOLLY
We’re doing the best we can.

RUDY
We were, until he scared the crap

out of me by knocking on the door.

HOLLY Crap? Really?

RUDY
You heard what I was doing and what

I’m not doing now. Hush up so I can finish here.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

IVY (into phone)

Three seven four, got it?

Got it.

JOY (O.S.)

IVY
Report it stolen and disable it.

Fast!

JOY On it.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

One of the kidnappers goes in the Men’s room. There is a general rumble of “What the hell?” From inside. He emerges, shaking his head.

Nick moves to guard the Family Bathroom, snatching up a kid’s stray mitten from the floor. (Suspense)

INT. WOMEN’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

The FBI agent enters the Women’s bathroom causing consternation and fear in the occupants.

AGENT DASHER
FBI. Nothing to fear. Just checking something.

He looks under the doors of all of the stalls, women inside shriek, others shrink from him as he moves through the crowded bathroom. Still holding his badge in front of him like a shield, he exits the bathroom.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

The FBI agent spots Nick lingering in front of the Family Bathroom.

AGENT DASHER Who’s in there?

INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly listens at the door as Rudy stands in front of the toilet. Rudy and Holly freeze when they hear the conversation outside – Rudy, midstream.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

NICK
My wife and the kids. They’ll be a while.

Dasher doesn’t look convinced. Nick fiddles with the kid- sized mitten.

NICK (CONT’D)
Two diaper changes — the bad kind.

Dasher grimaces.
INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT

Holly does an imitation of a whiny kid. Rudy indicates he’s struggling to finish the job.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

The kidnappers move to another part of the Rest Stop. Nick taps on the door.

NICK
Hurry it up in there. They’re gone.

INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Rudy groans and Holly rolls her eyes.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Ivy stands by a young couple in an old van, proffering her keys.

IVY
Even trade and I’ll throw in gas

money. I just need it until tomorrow.

VAN GUY Is it hot?

IVY

No, I just need for a quick run friends. Sleep night. I’ll be a different vehicle to pick up some
in my car for the back in the morning with the van.

The young couple considers, doubting.

IVY (CONT’D) Alright, truth. There’s a really hot guy waiting for me just over there. I want to bang him all night and he’s willing. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for me because he’s got the biggest dick I’ve ever seen, but he’s got a bad back so we can’t do it in our cars — or in a stall.

She hands over another $100 bill.

IVY (CONT’D)

New sheets.

They consider. She hands over another couple of bills.

IVY (CONT’D) New mattress.

The guy pockets the money and they swap keys. Ivy flashes her badge.

IVY (CONT’D)
No smoking dope in my car. I’m Secret

Service. Now scoot!

The couple looks shocked, but hustles away.

INT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Holly and Rudy emerge from the bathroom and Nick hustles them out a back door.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Nick hustles Holly and Rudy into the back seat of the car.
He turns and sees the kidnappers heading toward the exit doors.

NICK
Don’t even think about getting out of this car. I’ll be back

Holly giggles and Rudy groans at her.

Nick skirts the parking lot and then heads back toward the rest area door.

Ivy stands next to the van, on high alert, watching Nick.

Nick waits until the kidnappers are outside and then begins to kick butt.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Holly and Rudy watch from the car and are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.

INT. VAN – NIGHT

Ivy debates joining the fray from inside the van. She makes a call.

IVY
Is the car disabled?

JOY Yes.

IVY
Send me a picture of Santa, out of

costume.

JOY Nudes?

IVY (shocked)

No! No, I want a picture of his face.

She hangs up and looks from her phone to the fight to her phone again.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Nick takes down all of the bad guys using a variety of military fighting skills and great awareness of his surroundings.

When the bad guys are subdued and groaning, he gathers up their guns and throws them under various cars as he hustles back to his car.

INT. CAR – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy are shocked at his skills.

HOLLY He’s good.

RUDY
No kidding. Even better than when

he was Santa. Nick enters the car.

NICK You two alright?

HOLLY We’re fine. Are you?

NICK
We’re all good. Buckle up.

Nick hightails it out of the parking lot. Holly looks out the back window.

HOLLY
The kidnappers are watching us.

NICK
Damn, we’ll have to change cars again.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

Ivy sits in the van, watching the bad guys gathering their wits. Waiting.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Summary

Highlights of Entire Season model:

The Campion Farm

One Hour Dramedy series

Mike Campion loved only three women in his life: his next door neighbor Molly; his soulmate Cara; and his wife Mindy who Cara introduced to him. Only Cara is still alive.

Cara is a successful mind control practitioner in LA. Her biological clock is ticking so loudly it’s all she can hear. Cara has just become the executor of Mike and Mindy’s estate.

After Mike dumped his first love, Molly, years ago, she married his best friend, Jim Walrath, on the rebound. Jim married Molly for her land and always thought his son, Hunter, was probably Mike’s. Last summer, Molly drove into a train at a crossing about a mile from their house. Police found a suicide note on her computer.

Last Thanksgiving, Mike and Mindy updated their will leaving Cara in charge until their 11-year-old boy/girl twins are of age. At Christmas, Mindy whispered about premonitions of her own death. On New Year’s Eve, Mike and Mindy plowed right into a freight train — didn’t even try to stop — at the very same crossing where Molly had died.

Randi Campion, Mike’s mom, is a widow and a farmer who lost her favorite son and found out a couple of months ago that she has early onset Alzheimer’s. Only Mindy knew about it. Randi knows Alzheimer’s will leave her incapacitated. She’s already struggling.

The Campion farm is land rich and cash poor. Randi thinks the twins and Hunter can help Cara run the equipment, but Cara needs to learn about the climate change mitigation and carbon sequestration money the farm can earn. Most of all, Randi needs to convince Cara to use her mind control techniques to influence people, crops, animals, and finances in the farm’s favor — like Mindy did.

Cara’s more concerned with her ticking clock. The only man who catches her eye is Molly’s widower, Jim, who wrote Molly’s suicide note just minutes after her untimely demise.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Level 1 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is that deliberately naming the emotion wanted/intended makes it easier to write the scene to evoke that emotion. Being intentional makes it easier.

Selected Scene: Opening scene description: Hero in spartan apartment is having a flashback dream and his PTSD teacup poodle licks his ear to wake him, his dream turns to a beautiful woman nibbling his ear and the dog barks. He shoots up and gives the tiny dog in his hand a kiss on the nose. Thanks Grizzly!

Scene Outline: Nick is asleep in his spartan apartment. He starts to twitch, moaning, eyes darting under the lids. A teacup poodle wakes, alerts, growls softly. (Anxiety) We enter the hero’s dream. He’s in uniform in a war zone, riding in a humvee in a convoy with one vehicle ahead of him. (Anxiety) The lead vehicle hits an IED and explodes. (Fear) Nick jumps from the humvee to cradle a dying soldier in his arms, tears in his eyes, rage and horror fighting for dominance as he watches the life drain from the dying soldier’s body. (Fear) “Hang on, hang on.” Then the medic does a quick check and shakes his head. Nick starts to cry, shaking uncontrollably. (Devastation) Cut to: the poodle leaps out of the upturned Santa hat he was sleeping in on Nick’s nightstand and onto Nick’s pillow. It licks his ear and the face near his ear. Nick’s dream changes abruptly to one where a beautiful woman is nibbling his ear. He relaxes and his moans turn to those of lust and pleasure. (Relief) The poodle stops, observes the situation momentarily and then barks sharply in the man’s ear. Nick shoots up to a sitting position, scooping up the poodle as he rises. He holds the tiny dog in front of him, close to his face, nose to nose. Then he takes a deep breath in and slowly lets it out. “Thanks, Grizzly.” The little dog licks his hand and barks joyously and we notice that the tiny collar on the dog says PTSD Service Dog.

SCENE

INT. SPARTAN APT. – MORNING

NICK, a thirty-something man is asleep in his spartan basement apartment. He twitches, moaning, eyes darting under the lids.

A TEACUP POODLE wakes, alerts, growls softly. (Anxiety)

We enter the hero’s dream. He’s in uniform in a war zone, riding in a Humvee in a convoy with one vehicle ahead of him. (Anxiety)

The lead vehicle hits an IED and explodes. (Fear)

Nick jumps from the Humvee to cradle a dying soldier in his arms, tears rolling down his cheeks, rage and horror fighting for dominance in his eyes as he watches the life drain from the dying soldier’s body. (Fear)

NICK

Hang on. Hang on.

A medic does a quick check and shakes his head.

Nick starts to cry, shaking uncontrollably. (Devastation)

CUT TO: the poodle leaps out of the upturned Santa hat he was sitting in on Nick’s nightstand and lands neatly on Nick’s pillow.

It licks his ear and the face near his ear.

Nick’s dream changes abruptly to one where a beautiful woman is nibbling his ear. He holds her closer in his arms. He relaxes and his moans turn to those of lust and pleasure. (Relief)

The poodle stops licking, observes the situation momentarily, and then barks sharply in Nick’s ear.

Nick shoots up to a sitting position, scooping up the poodle as he rises. He holds the tiny dog in front of him, close to his face, nose to nose. Then he takes a slow deep breath in and out.

NICK

Thanks, Grizzly.

The little dog licks his hand and barks joyously and we notice that the tiny collar on the dog’s neck says PTSD Service Dog as Nick nuzzles Grizzly’s neck.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Favorite Twists!

What I learned doing this assignment is that twists and humor go hand in hand in my Action/Comedy.

INT. MALL SANTA SET – DAY

Once dressed as Santa at the mall, his aging elf sometimes succeeds, sometimes fails to protect him from sticky hands, shrieking kids and impatient parents, but he is the soul of patience.

Added a twist — Secret Service agent is investigating the mall Santa as a possible boyfriend.

INT. SECRET SERVICE OFFICE – LATE NIGHT

The SS agent asks her techie to find out everything she can about this mall Santa — keeps on her daily — techie guesses it’s another possible boyfriend, she says there’s been chatter about an abduction and he has an elf whose asking questions. Banter about investigating boyfriends who always become exes.

Added a reversal, that this time she’s actually investigating a would-be bad guy.

EXT. REST STOP – NIGHT

The SS agent hijacks a weird vehicle – van life van in bad shape, swapping keys and giving cash to a young couple to compensate them, using her FBI credentials so she can give chase without being tracked herself, to tell the parents about the FBI radio.

Added a twist — reversal — now the SS agent is the one trading vehicles and handing off cash to get a worse vehicle than the one she came with,

INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

He calls off all of the searchers, identifying the rogue FBI agent. The President is shocked to learn that his aide told him his parents were safe in the White House and the people in danger were the doubles so the President could focus on important work and not worry about his parents and it’s the opposite. He fires his aide.

Added a twist — the President thought the doubles were in danger, not his parents, but the aide got it wrong.

INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY

The agent and Santa are leaning on one another in a comfy seat. Santa has a war dream again and imagines Grizzly nibbling his ear, but this time it’s the SS agent. The parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

Added a twist — Changed his dream to Grizzly and real life to the agent.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Episode Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment is that I needed to follow Hal’s directions for doing this rather than doing it the way I have always done chapter summaries for books. This was much quicker and more efficient.

Episode 1:

Hook: Mike and Mindy’s Accident

Middle: Funeral — Jim thinks one third of the farm should belong to his son; the will is read and the Alaska brothers are appalled; Why was Cara chosen instead of Randi or the brothers? Cliffhanger: Randi is the master manipulator despite her Alzheimer’s

Episode 2

Hook: Randi wants Cara to stay and do all of the things Mindy used to do — we don’t know what “all of the things” are

Middle: Cara leaves her practice in LA and comes permanently to the farm; Cara arrives permanently at the farm and learns about farm income

Cliffhanger: Randi’s Alzheimer’s is revealed to the audience

Episode 3

Hook: Randi offers poor explanations of equipment to Cara;

Middle: Hunter picks up the instruction of Cara on the tractor.

Cliffhanger: Hunter and Gabe talk about Mike and his dad. Hearing them, Jim flies into a rage, gets physical and Hunter protects Gabe from their dad’s fury.

Episode 4

Hook: Cara saves the dog’s life via an intentional medicine diagnosis

Middle: Cara pays bills for the dairy and hog operation and consults the tax accountant. The farm’s income is tenuous, at best.

Cliffhanger: Randi, afraid what Cara might do if she finds out about Randi’s Alzheimer’s, hesitates to ask her to use intentional medicine on her even though Mindy said it might slow her condition’s progress.

Episode 5

Hook: Cara gets a quick tour of the dairy and wonders why most of the workers are Latino.

Middle: Her accountant tells her the hog operation’s income will barely cover the new manager’s salary since that was Mike’s primary job. A contractor is pumping liquid manure into the oil from the dairy’s slurry pits. Curious, she asks Hunter to explain.

Cliffhanger: Jim dresses down Hunter for not working at home and Cara flirts with Jim to diffuse the situation. Randi looks on and is very concerned.

Episode 6

Hook: Randi poorly instructs Cara on the tractor’s GPS and other controls while planting corn.

Middle: Cara finds that Randi’s account of how Mike and Molly got together differs from what Mike told her when they first met in college. Cara learns about the windmills that they work around in the field and their role in the farm’s income stream, energy generation and climate change mitigation.

Cliffhanger: Randi recalls that Mike broke up with Molly because he had met Cara, his soulmate at college. He hadn’t yet met Mindy.

Episode 7

Hook: Cara is appalled when herbicide spraying is done just after planting.

Middle: Hunter explains no-till agriculture, government programs for farmers and carbon sequestration. She makes sure they are enrolled in several programs to get more money for the farm. Contrary to what she told Mindy was unethical, Cara uses Silva mind control to lower the price of seed.

Cliffhanger: Randi notes Cara’s bittersweet tale of how she introduced the twins’ parents to each other in college. Cara has been in love with him all these years.

Episode 8

Hook: Randi loses her keys in the shop for the third time in one day. Hunter finds them in her purse where she always keeps them.

Middle: Jim berates Hunter, calling him a bastard and Hunter recalls all of the times that word was used by Jim when he was angry at Molly. He also remembers Jim typing furiously on the computer before the police came to say Molly had been in a wreck. Cara recalls saying she was sure that Jim was Hunter’s father, not Mike.

Cliffhanger: Randi gets a letter saying her Alaska sons will be home in the fall to help with harvest and take over the farm. Later, in tears, she searches online for a Power of Attorney form.

Episode 9

Hook: Cara considers opening a practice locally, flirts with Jim in the grocery store and Hunter watches from the end of the aisle.

Middle: Randi can’t remember the names of ingredients in her family birthday cake recipe and describes them instead. Hunter asks Jim if he plans to marry Cara, but he says he’ll only marry to get more land, but plans to have fun with Cara since she seems willing. An argument and fight ensue and, for the first time, Hunter is able to stop his dad’s physical abuse. Gabe peeks at them in fear.

Cliffhanger: Cara considers the difference between versions of the story of Molly and Jim getting together after Mike broke up with her. Mike thought the impending baby would settle Jim down and that he had always wanted Molly’s land.

Episode 10

Hook: The 11 year old twins take over from Randi on the small tractor and mounted mowers. Randi cries as she head to the house.

Middle: When a neighbor man dies, Cara and Randi ask the widow to rent her land to them next spring. Randi knows Jim has also asked and mentions Hunter’s bruises as a reason she might want to rent to Randi. Cara weighs her options and decides to use mind control to get the widow to rent to Randi.

Cliffhanger: Jim remembers how pleased Mike was when he congratulated he and Molly on Hunter’s birth years ago. Mike was a little too happy and Jim grows enraged. Then he fantasizes about making love to Cara and flirts with her at the mailboxes the next day.

Episode 11

Hook: Cara has a problem with her car and uses Silva techniques to diagnose it. The mechanic speculates that it’s something more expensive, but she insists she’s right. She is.

Middle: Cara finds that the EQIP paperwork she got in the mail is for government programs related to climate change mitigation that may net the farm additional money. She investigates. Mike and Mindy want Molly to leave Jim, but the land is hers and she is trapped because their income isn’t enough for her to hire someone to do Mike’s farm work.

Cliffhanger: Hearing about Cara’s Silva success with her car, Randi signs up for intentional medicine classes online, but during the first lesson, she can’t focus or understand it. She gives up in tears.

Episode 12

Hook: Randi asks Cara to work her magic on her after supper because she’s feeling a bit under the weather and has been having a few senior moments.

Middle: Mindy found a file of divorce papers Molly had filled out before her death on Gabe’s computer. Cara tells her best friend in LA about their investigation of Molly’s death and then their death at the same railroad crossing. She is considering leaving for her own safety.

Cliffhanger: Randi overhears Cara’s call. When Cara uses NMT to diagnose Randi, she gets perplexing results.

Episode 13

Hook: Cara is signing papers at the lawyer and he recalls that Mike and Mindy changed their executor and the twins’ guardianship to her just two months before they died.

Middle: Just a week before they died, Mindy told Cara about her premonition of death and Mike’s promise to his dad to keep the farm for his twins and not let his Alaska brothers get it. Jim gets drunk and relives his final fight with Molly, chasing her in his pickup as she drove away and the horror of her crash into the train. Then his decision to write the suicide note although he didn’t notice Hunter watching him do it.

Cliffhanger: A replay of Mike and Mindy’s New Year’s Eve crash now explains how they thought Jim caused Molly’s accident but we know it wasn’t sabotaged brakes; Cara contemplates the NMT results for Randi and the estate paperwork’s executor and guardian designations.

EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS

Episode 1: Every Ending is a New Beginning

Mike and Mindy leave for a fun New Years Eve party, have no brakes as they reach a railroad crossing with a train and just before crashing into the train to their death, they look at each other with and say, “Molly!” Cara, Mindy’s best friend, attends the funeral in charge of Mindy’s 11 year old boy/girl twins and Mike’s mother, Randi. Later, the will is read and Mike’s two brothers in Alaska via Zoom are appalled that Cara is chosen as the executor of Mike and Mindy’s share of the $60M farm and the twins’ guardian.

Jim, their farm neighbor, grumbles to himself that his son, Hunter, should have had one third of the estate. Later, Cara asks Randi why she wasn’t named the executor. Randi replies that this is what Mike and Mindy wanted.

Episode 2 Leaving LA

Randi plies Cara to stay and do all of the things Mindy used to do and she agrees, although she doesn’t yet know what that means.

Six weeks later, Cara leaves her intentional medicine practice in LA and comes permanently to the farm; She consults with the lawyer and learns how small the farm income is compared to the assets. Late at night, Randi contemplates her Alzheimer’s diagnosis dated just two weeks before the accident.

Episode 3 Getting Started

Randi offers poor explanations of farm equipment as she instructs Cara on its operation. Later, Hunter instructs Cara on the tractor.

Hunter and Gabe talk about how great Mike and his dad were to them. Hearing them, Jim flies into a rage, gets physical and Hunter protects Gabe from their dad’s fury.

Episode 4 Life Saving

Cara saves the family dog’s life via an intentional medicine diagnosis. She pays bills for the dairy and hog operations and consults the tax accountant. The farm’s income is low and even that is tenuous, at best.

Afraid what Cara might do if she finds out about Randi’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, hesitates to ask Cara to use intentional medicine on her even though Mindy said it might slow her condition’s progress.

Episode 5 Cows and Shit

Cara gets a quick tour of the 3500 cow dairy and wonders why most of the workers are Latino. Her accountant tells her the hog operation was Mike’s primary job and its income will barely cover the new manager’s salary.

A contractor is pumping liquid manure into the soil from the dairy’s slurry pits. Curious, she asks Hunter to explain. Jim dresses down Hunter for not working at home and Cara flirts with Jim to diffuse the situation. Randi sees the flirtation and is distressed.

Episode 6 Three Loves

Randi poorly instructs Cara on the $500K tractor’s GPS and other controls while planting corn.

Cara finds that Randi’s account of how Mike and Molly got together differs from what Mike had told her when they first met in college.

While planting crops, Cara learns about the windmills that they work around in the fields and their role in the farm’s income stream, energy generation, and climate change mitigation. Randi recalls that Mike broke up with Molly because he had met Cara, his soulmate, at college, six months before he met Mindy.

Episode 7 Ethics be Damned

Cara is appalled when she sees herbicide sprayed on the fields just after planting. Hunter explains no-till agriculture, government programs for farmers, and carbon sequestration. Cara makes sure they are enrolled in several of the programs he mentioned to get more money for the farm. Cara uses Silva mind control to lower the price of seed even though she accused Mindy of being unethical in previous years when Mindy did the same thing.

Randi hears Cara’s bittersweet tale of how she introduced the twins’ parents to each other in college. She realizes Cara was in love with Mike all these years.

Episode 8 Losing It

Randi loses her keys in the shop for the third time in one day. Hunter finds them in her purse where she always keeps them. Jim accosts and berates Hunter, calling him a bastard and Hunter recalls all of the times that word was used by Jim when he was angry at Molly. He also remembers Jim typing furiously on the computer before the police came to say that Molly had died in a wreck.

Cara recalls Mindy saying she was sure that Jim was Hunter’s father, not Mike. Randi gets a letter from her Alaska sons. They will be home in the fall to help with harvest and take over the farm. Later, in tears, she searches online for a Power of Attorney form.

Episode 9 Romance Flourishes

Cara considers opening an intentional medicine practice locally and flirts with Jim in the grocery store. Hunter watches the flirtation from the end of the aisle. Randi stumbles on cake ingredients and describes them instead. Hunter asks Jim if he might marry Cara, but he’ll only marry to get more land. He plans to have fun with Cara since she seems willing. A fight ensues and, for the first time, Hunter is able to stop his dad’s physical abuse. Gabe peeks at them in fear.

Cara considers the difference between Randi and Jim’s versions of tJim and Molly’s courtship after Mike broke up with Molly. Mike said Jim wanted Molly’s land more than Molly, but that the impending baby would settle Jim down.

Episode 10 Endings and Beginnings

The 11-year-old twins take over ditch mowing from Randi when she’s clumsy with the small tractor and mounted mowers. Randi cries as she head to the house. When a neighbor man dies, Cara and Randi ask the widow to rent her land to them next spring. Randi knows Jim has also asked and mentions Hunter’s bruises as a reason the widow might not want to rent to Jim. Cara weighs her options and decides to use mind control to get the widow to rent to Randi.

Jim remembers how pleased Mike was when he congratulated Jim and Molly on Hunter’s birth years ago. Mike was a little too happy and Jim grows enraged. Then he fantasizes about making love to Cara and flirts with her at the mailboxes the next day.

Episode 11 Getting Help

Cara has a problem with her car and uses Silva techniques to diagnose it. The mechanic speculates that it’s something more expensive, but she insists she’s right. She is. Cara finds that the EQIP paperwork she got in the mail is for government programs related to climate change mitigation that may net the farm additional money. She investigates.

Six months before her death, Mike and Mindy want Molly to leave Jim, but the land is hers and she is trapped because the farm’s income isn’t enough to pay someone to do Jim’s work. Hearing about Cara’s Silva success with her car, Randi signs up for intentional medicine classes online, but during the first lesson, she can’t focus or understand it. She gives up in tears.

Episode 12 Fear and Confusion

Randi asks Cara to work her magic on her after supper because she’s feeling a bit under the weather and has been having a few senior moments. A month before she died, Mindy had found divorce papers on Gabe’s computer that Molly had filled out before her death. Cara tells her best friend in LA about Mike and Mindy’s investigation of Molly’s death and then their death at the same railroad crossing. She is considering leaving for her own safety. Randi overhears Cara’s call.

Cara uses NMT to diagnose Randi and gets perplexing results.

Episode 13 Figuring It Out

Cara’s lawyer recalls that Mike and Mindy changed their executor and the twins’ guardianship to Cara just two months before they died. Only a week before they died, Mindy told Cara about her premonition of death and Mike’s promise to his dad to keep the farm for his twins and not let his Alaska brothers get it. Jim gets drunk and relives his final fight with Molly, chasing her in his pickup as she drove away. He relives the horror of her crash into the train and his decision to write the suicide note to avoid being blamed for her death. He didn’t notice Hunter watching him type the note.

A replay of Mike and Mindy’s New Year’s Eve crash from episode 1 explains how they thought Jim caused Molly’s accident with sabotaged brakes even though that’s not what happened. Who sabotaged their brakes? Cara juxtaposes her NMT diagnosis of Randi and her designation as the twins’ guardian and the executor.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 Janeen’s 3rd Pass – NQ 1 and 2

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that this is a good way to focus on one thread in the story at a time and make sure it is focused on enough in the script.

Dramatic Question: Are mind control techniques real? If so, does that mean using them to help the abused is aiding and abetting in murder if an abused wife kills her husband?

Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how? In the section before the 1st Act Turning Point — Morgan and her husband discuss it. I’m adding a section about the “real” part to Morgan’s opening discussion while leaving that class.

How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity? Intensified after the first turning point when she first does intentional medicine and her husband says it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license and to treat someone without their knowledge. She ponders this.

She asks her instructor if it is legal to use silva on people who don’t know she is doing so and he reminds her that people offer “thoughts and prayers” for others — often people they don’t even know — so of course it is legal. This is after the Midpoint.

After Amber kills her husband (the Crisis), the book club cop’s partner talks the prosecutor into filing charges against the book club for aiding and abetting — they’ve gone too far.

Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?

During the climax, the court rules in their favor — “thoughts and prayers” are not aiding and abetting.

Main Conflict: Morgan (with help from her book club) tries to help Amber stay alive and escape successfully from her husband, Daniel, without getting any or all of them killed/injured in the process or Amber losing her kids.

When does the Main Conflict first show up?

After Morgan calls the police on Daniel and Amber won’t press charges. — by page 10

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

Women building community — book club, shelter buddies
What the shelter woman does/sees in response
What the cop sees and can do about it
What the lawyer can/can’t do about it
What we see Daniel do that disempowers/endangers Amber

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?

Other women are getting out, Amber is not.
Amber is seriously injured, but still won’t leave him because she would be leaving her kids with him.

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

Amber comes up with a permanent solution to her problem
Her solution is considered self-defense since there is a clear record (hospital and police) of his escalating violence and a record of what he has done to prevent her from leaving.

Current Outline

PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them. Is it real or is it really just about boosting confidence? They debate it briefly.

INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.

INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY

The woman who runs the shelter, a member of the bookclub, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter for a couple of hours.

INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.

Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY

Morgan considers what she can do to help Amber and decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave so she puts her copy

2.

of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.

INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She
sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber.

INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.

INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home.

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel stops to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of simple family spats, not anything more than that. The conversation gets heated.

By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.

INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING

Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops (two males) witnessed when Morgan rolled up and lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with Daniel and ask for the restraining order.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The cop says his wife refused to testify against him. Morgan says that he got a restraining order against her for harassment and for trying to incite her to leave with the book she gave her. The book club members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. She wishes there was more she could do.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back
on her, but she can try to empower the wife who is being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape. Silva

can be done from a distance. She ponders that. INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan uses a combination of Silva and NMT to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she does Silva to empower her. She finishes the evening by doing some NMT on Amber to reduce her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Morgan talks to the her husband, a wealthy writer, about her efforts. He tells her he doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission — especially the NMT she’s into. She says the Silva instructor said she could do it from a distance. He counters that there is a restraining order against her that prohibits her from talking to Amber. She’d be violating the restraining order to help her in any way. She feels compelled to do something.

First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks
to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. They explore ways to help abused women and find that in this case, the husband is both powerful and totally in control of his wife. Since outside interference often makes things worse and already has gotten the fashionista in legal trouble, they agree to try mind control techniques

to help women in danger.
INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells her book club about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she also does NMT at home. She explains each briefly. The book club includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning. They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.

3.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems
to feel better. Her husband asks her what she’s doing and
she explains intentional medicine. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence in Amber and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement, but telling here he thinks it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license — and without the patient’s consent. She ponders that.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yet. The shelter woman tells the other book club members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others and they can be done without the consent/knowledge of the receiver, they devise ways to use Silva techniques to fortify Amber and some women in the shelter so they can monitor results. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police

have found reasons to lock up the abusers once they testify INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them. He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK.

4.

5.

He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO MONTHS LATER

BREAK THIS UP INTO PIECES TO SHOW, DON’T TELL BITES THAT ADDRESS HELPING LAW ENFORCEMENT BE MORE EFFECTIVE, CONVINCING LAW ENFORCEMENT AND PROSECUTORS THAT IT IS A PRIORITY, ETC. The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave the abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her. The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence. The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan resolves to help her.

INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

INT. CAFE – EVENING

The book club ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition after she tries to fight back. Incensed, the fashionista wants to actively push the abused wife to press charges and take the family into her home. The book club talks her out of it for legal reasons and uses all of their Silva efforts to empower the wife to protect herself and her children imbuing her with confidence, emotional strength and vision. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids

were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.

INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the day.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She seethes and hides her anger until after he leaves the room. Then says, “No more.”

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.

INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he and mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

With surgical precision, we see her set the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it
in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer gushing, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he

is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken their interference too far.

6.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The book club cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless. He was starting to get shorter with the kids — almost as angry as he got with her and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The book club are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that
the book club cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.

Climax: At court, the lawyer in the book club has them all swear that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever (except for the fashionista, but only before the restraining order went into effect) — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”, a term the cop who turned them in used derisively when he first heard about it from his partner, the cop in the book club. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and religious “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. She cites Silva’s maxim that you cannot use the techniques to hurt others. Therefore, they are not accessories.

INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, we see the defendants, the book club, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out. It would be self-defense.

7.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The book club celebrates.

INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The book club lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something. The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

31. Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress.
The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

1. What I learned doing this assignment is that it is important to be clear about the character arc and personality traits in design and that they will need to be considered even more closely as more details are added before doing the actual writing.

2. BEFORE:

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Lead Characters: Morgan: (fashionista) studying Silva Mind Control

Amber Richards (abused wife), beaten down, petrified for herself and her children, shell-shocked

Daniel Richards (fashion designer): entitled, paranoid, vicious

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)#13 – Maturation

STRUCTURE:

1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. Since outside interference often makes things worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition. The book club uses all of their efforts to empower the her to protect herself and her children. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken it too far.

8. Climax: At court, the group swears that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. They are not accessories.

9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

Character Arc:

The fashionista (Morgan) goes from dabbling in mind control and healing techniques to further her petty notions of helping people to using them for life or death reasons to protect others.

Part to be changed: Morgan amuses herself with the techniques using them only for self-improvement

Biggest fear: Getting in so deep that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions

Completion of arc: She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes her power.

Main Conflict: Morgan (with help from her book club) tries to help Amber stay alive and escape from her husband, Daniel, without getting herself killed/injured in the process.

Dramatic Question: Are mind control techniques real? If so, does that mean aiding and abetting in murder if an abused wife kills her husband?

Dilemma: Morgan is afraid Amber will be killed if she doesn’t do something, but also afraid that she will be killed if she does do something since she was beaten worse when Morgan tried to help her the first time.

Theme: Helping abused people stuck in bad situations requires emotional and moral support as well as all of the physical support to start a new life.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

My character descriptions were wimpy job titles. I fixed those and added some traits and motivations.

My Plot more closely resembles a Transformation than a Maturation so I made that change.

I tweaked a lot of language to show more fear in Morgan about her power; clearer understanding of the legal question; show her actual transformation – acceptance of her new power/role.

I’ve realized that the other members of the book club’s roles will need to be fleshed out more when I get into detailed plotting, so I’ve added fashionista-only changes/efforts to the Structure to highlight her character growth/arc.

4. AFTER:

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Lead Characters: Morgan: (wealthy fashionista) studying Silva Mind Control, compassionate, benevolent, high self-image, puts self-preservation above charitable works

Amber Richards (abused wife), beaten down, petrified for herself and her children, shell-shocked, believes she will lose her children if she leaves their father.

Daniel Richards (fashion designer): entitled, paranoid, vicious, feels he has every right to demand subservience and perfection from his wife and punish her if he doesn’t get it.

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.) #12 – Transformation

STRUCTURE:

1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the hand signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife because the abuse is escalating.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. They explore ways to help abused women and find that in this case, the husband is both powerful and totally in control of his wife. Since outside interference often makes things worse and already has gotten the fashionista in legal trouble, they agree to try mind control techniques to help women in danger.

5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others and they can be done without the consent/knowledge of the receiver, they devise ways to use Silva techniques to fortify Amber and some women in the shelter so they can monitor results. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers once they testify.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition after she tries to fight back. Incensed, the fashionista wants to actively push the abused wife to press charges and take the family into her home. The book club talks her out of it for legal reasons and uses all of their Silva efforts to empower the wife to protect herself and her children imbuing her with confidence, emotional strength and vision. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken their interference too far.

8. Climax: At court, the lawyer in the book club has them all swear that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever (except for the fashionista, but only before the restraining order went into effect) — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”, a term the cop who turned them in used derisively when he first heard about it from his partner, the cop in the book club. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and religious “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. She cites Silva’s maxim that you cannot use the techniques to hurt others. Therefore, they are not accessories.

9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

Character Arc:

The fashionista (Morgan) goes from dabbling in mind control and healing techniques to further her petty notions of helping people to using them for life or death reasons to protect others.

Part to be changed: Morgan amuses herself with the techniques using them only for self-improvement.

Biggest fear: Getting in so deep when helping, that someone hurts her as revenge for her thoughts/actions – a fear that the techniques are really powerful and she will be responsible if someone gets hurt. She fears her own success because of the power it means she has.

Completion of arc: She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes/embraces her power.

Main Conflict: Morgan (with help from her book club) tries to help Amber stay alive and escape successfully from her husband, Daniel, without getting any or all of them killed/injured in the process or Amber losing her kids.

Dramatic Question: Are mind control techniques real? If so, does that mean using them to help the abused is aiding and abetting in murder if an abused wife kills her husband?

Dilemma: Morgan is afraid Amber will be killed if she doesn’t do something, but also afraid that she will be killed if she does do something since she was beaten worse when Morgan tried to help her the first time.

Theme: Helping abused people stuck in bad situations requires emotional and moral support/”magic” as well as all of the physical support to start a new life.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

What I learned doing this assignment is the list of ways to engage people makes it easy to make the hero likeable.

Likability/Lovability

– Has a teacup poodle as a PTSD dog that he dotes on

Served in a war and has PTSD <div>

Is a really good mall Santa — kids love him, he tolerates bad kids, sticky hands well.

Hasn’t had the nerve to talk to the Secret Service agent he thinks is so hot because he’s not worthy — or so he tells the elf that encourages him to go after her.

Is always courteous to the President’s parents when they walk by his Santa chair

Quick witted and funny

Empathy/Distress

Had a battle go bad -</div><div>

– the PTSD dog gently wakes him up in a comical fashion.

Sounds can set him off and the sight of the dog being there for him calms him down.

Can’t hold a better job because of a particularly odd PTSD trigger — have to think of that one.

Never killed anyone in war, but will do so now to protect the SS agent and the parents.

When shots are fired for real, he looks at the little dog to reassure him it’s just a dream and the dog says otherwise so he believes the tiny dog and takes off after the villains.

Justification

– War veteran and damaged by war

<div>
</div>

Attacked by villains

Lost buddies in the war

The villains have killed a Secret Service agent and are hustling off the President’ parents.

Revised Opening:

Opening scene: Hero in spartan apartment is having a flashback dream and his PTSD teacup poodle licks his ear to wake him, his dream turns to a beautiful woman nibbling his ear and the dog barks. He shoots up and gives the tiny dog in his hand a kiss on the nose. Thanks Grizzly!

Once dressed as Santa at the mall, his aging elf fails to protect him from sticky hands, shrieking kids and impatient parents, but he is the soul of patience.

The elf investigates and tells him that the elderly couple with the beautiful companion who matches the woman in his dreams are the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent and that they mall walk here every day. Santa and the agent flirt from a distance every day and the elf and parents give each other thumbs ups.

Five days before Christmas, the parents and agent have a tough looking guy with them. He steps to Santa, flips his FBI badge and tells Santa he has his eye on him. Grizzly growls and Santa is puzzled because the pup is a good judge of character.

MISSION 1 Motivation: A failed mission in a war (Afghanistan, Iraq?) and a chance at redemption and self-respect again if he can do his duty to protect the parents while they are mall walking. He is on high alert every day they come in – because they are important and because of the agent.

VILLAIN 1 PLAN: To use inside double agents to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to transfer a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network before killing them and escaping.

INCITING INCIDENT

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Story Map

What I learned doing this assignment is that I will still need to add in a few callback setups and more humor/dog usage, but the story works for now.

OPENING: A failed Army mission in the war left a soldier with PTSD and a teacup poodle as a PTSD assistance animal. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elves point out the President’s Parents who mall walk every morning.

MISSION 1 Motivation: A failed mission in a war (Afghanistan, Iraq?) and a chance at redemption and self-respect again if he can do his duty to protect the parents while they are mall walking. He is on high alert every day they come in.

VILLAIN 1 PLAN: To use inside double agents to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to transfer a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network before killing them and escaping.

INCITING INCIDENT/MISSION 2/VILLAIN 3 ATTACK: A man with an FBI ID accompanied by mercenaries shoots the parents’ Secret Service agent and makes off with the parents.

MISSION 3: FIRST MISSION: The mall Santa, stashes his little dog in his Santa Hat, fastens it on his belt and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he says he will meet them.

ACTION 1 Shootout/Fight: Fight scene at the mall to open the action. The rest of the kidnapping team shows up and the fight scene continues. Purpose: Show the hero is a skilled fighter, show he will protect the president’s parents, show that the bad guys will kill (the SS agent is shot). Fun fight.

ACTION 2 Chase/Pursuit: The parents’ Segway ride to escape the downed bad guys. Purpose: Comedy, show how fast the hero is compared to a Segway, entertaining near misses/dodges.

First Turning Point at End of Act 1: Santa heads to his locker to pick up his go-bag, knocking out an additional FBI guy and one more mercenary, picking up the FBI guy’s radio. He whisks the President’s Parents away in his car.

The FBI double agent tells the authorities that Santa is kidnapping the President’s Parents.

ACTION 3 Chase/Pursuit: Chase Scene to lose the bad guys who follow him (and the President’s Parents (PP)) away from the mall. Purpose: Include a chase scene where the hero gets the bad guys to wreck a car so he can get away. Shows hero’s prowess as a driver and offers an opportunity to let the little dog out of the hat and enjoy the ride.

MISSION 4 Obstacle: The FBI quickly launches an all out search for the President’s Parents.

VILLAIN 4 PLAN: Track the mall Santa to track the parents.

MISSION 5 Escalation: Police and state troopers descend on the mall and they pass them as they continue to flee after the chase scene. Learns via the FBI radio that the FBI knows his car and plan to disable it and that the parents’ purse, shoes and electronics have trackers in them. He has to get out of there, trades cars for one with no way to track or disable and realizes he has to head somewhere off the grid when he hears that they are activating tracking via traffic cams all over the city, state and major roadways.

VILLAIN 2 MISTAKE: The parents’ SS agent only posed as a double agent to learn the plan — still working for US.

ACTION 5 Dangerous Situations: He steals clothes and forces the President’s parents to put them on and leave everything else behind. Purpose: Show the hero is determined to keep the parents safe in spite of their lack of cooperation. Show he knows he was followed. Add humor. Show his consideration for the elderly couple.

VILLAIN 5 DEMAND: The villains tell the President they have his parents believing that they will be easy to catch with all of the trackers, and the President says he won’t deal until they are all on camera together.

MIDPOINT: During a cross country chase during which the hero thought he had removed all of the trackers for the President’s Parents, they stop at a rest stop. Apparently, the Santa forgot the radio could be tracked.

ACTION 4 Competition: The Secret Service agent who was knocked down by a shot to her vest and presumed dead, has followed them. The villains see the parent at the rest stop heading into the bathroom. The agent has the villain’s vehicle disabled (electronically) using her FBI credentials. Purpose: Shows she is a kick-ass agent not involved in the kidnapping. Shows that she and the bad guys had no trouble finding/following the hero and PP.

VILLAIN 7 SETBACK: The villain’s car is derailed at a rest stop by an unknown person. They don’t know the SS agent is alive.

VILLAIN 6 CHASE: The hero fights the agents again and changes cars again and makes the parents change everything they are wearing again to avoid trackers, swaps cars (at a loss) with someone in the rest area, but he stupidly hangs onto the FBI radio in spite of his PTSD dog’s disdain for it (pees on it). They leave and the SS agent hijacks a car using FBI credentials to give chase to tell them about the FBI radio.

ACTION 6 Chase scene — lose the SS agent in a small town. Purpose: Show the SS agent is still on their trail — because of the radio. Show the superior evasion skills of the hero. Start an argument with the PP about whether the SS is a good guy or bad guy since they’ve known the agent for years.

MISSION 6 Overwhelming Odds: Hero thinks he’s safe when he stops at an empty house along the road, but the Secret Service agent joined the parents while he was getting food and she hid in the back of the vehicle, trying to decide if he’s a good guy or one of the bad guys before revealing the FBI radio is a tracking device.

MISSION 7 New Plan: The Secret Service agent decides the hero is legit and goes back to her own car, telling the parents about the radio. They ditch the radio, but have to change the plan and use the empty vacation home of a friend the hero’s great aunt rather than the great aunt’s vacation home they were heading for (no breaking in) so they can’t be tracked or arrested by law enforcement and handed over to the fake FBI villains. They have to trade cars again too and are about out of money.

ACTION 7 Dangerous Situation: SS Agent scouts the area, uses trusted people in law enforcement enters the great aunt’s cottage at the lake where the key to the great aunt’s friend’s house is stashed. SS and hero fight in the dark, but parents put a stop to the fight by firing a gun, something that silences both of them knowing that 2 shots will bring the cops. Purpose: Show that the parents are not sheep in this.

Believing they are now safe and joining forces now that they know they are on the same team (the parents share that she told them about the FBI radio), they settle in for some much needed rest.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2/VILLAIN 8 – A BREAK:

The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and realizes that the Secret Service agent is alive (found it was her that had the cars disabled) and on the trail of the parents. They track her phone. The terrorist tells the FBI double agent to get all of the government’s assets tracking her.

ACTION 8 Escape/Evade: While on a food run, the hero overhears the bad guys are tracking the SS agent’s cell phone and that she’s tracking the parents. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, the hero uses travel by water craft, swimming, and hiking to get to his great aunt’s cottage before they do using roads and bridges to get around the lakes.

ACTION 8 Escape/Evade: Ditching the SS agent’s phone, they use various watercraft on a lake and canal and a little hiking while carrying the parents to get to the great aunt’s friend’s cottage using the great aunt’s key. Purpose: Show how well they cover their tracks. Comic relief.

ACTION 9 Competition: After being holed up for a day, they use a circuitous route to get somewhere they can contact President directly without using a traceable means or getting someone else in trouble. Purpose: Show cleverness. Humor: Holiday options.

MISSION 8 Full out Attack: The bad guys have been getting intel from people all over the lake area using their FBI credentials and have access to the best tactical info on where they might be. The bad guys issue the blackmail request to the president, planning to pin the kidnapping on the hero. The Secret Service agent gets a message to the president about his parents’ predicament and who the bad guys are, but soon, the bad guys have found them and are attacking.

CRISIS: The villains track the Secret Service agent when she leaves the aunt’s friend’s car on a medicine run.

VILLAIN 9 CAPTURE: The villains follow the SS agent when she returns to the parents, and they capture all 4 of them in the house.

VILLAIN 10 DEMAND: The villains call the President and tell him they have his parents. An aide tells him that they have the doubles — his parents are in the White House — and the villains should just let them go. They decide to kill the four instead.

CLIMAX: ACTION 10 SHOOTOUT/CHASE: Final shootout as the bad guys close in.

Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and hero (and his little dog) escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using McGyver-isms to defeat them. Purpose: Big finish. Fun fight.

VILLAIN 11 DEFEAT: Using available items, they tie up the vanquished bad guys and using the bad guys’ comm devices, notify the President that they are safe. He calls off all of the searchers, identifying the rogue FBI agent. The President is shocked to learn that his aide told him his parents were safe in the White House and the people in danger were the doubles so the President could focus on important work and not worry about his parents. He fires his aide.

VILLAIN 11 DEFEAT: The terrorist assassins are hauled away in cuffs or body bags.

RESOLUTION: The parents demand a decent meal and some new clothes before they go back to DC. The President wires them some money and orders up a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Episode List Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had to redo this after reading the lecture. 🙁 This is version 2.

Steps 1-5 – Answering questions.

Story Lines:

Cara leaves her life as a Silva/NMT practitioner in CA to become a farmer in rural Iowa.
Randi finds she has Alzheimer’s, hides it from everyone living, but sees herself failing at some tasks
Jim believes his son is Mike’s kid and wants Randi’s farm for his son.

Beginning of the Season to the End of the Season/Cliffhanger

Beginning: Mike/Mindy have died in a car crash on NYE and Cara is named as the twins’ guardian and the executor of the estate.

Ending: Cara realizes that she is going to have to stay on the farm until the twins are of age and can take over because something is up with Randi.

2. Beginning: Mike/Mindy investigate the death of Molly 6 months before.

Ending: Mike/Mindy think Jim killed Molly and is killing them the same way.

Mystery Setup to Season 1 Mystery Solved

What is the mystery? How did Molly die?
How could the mystery be set up? Molly is dead and left a suicide note, but had grown up on that road with the tracks. Why did she suddenly not look for a train?
What is the ultimate solution that the characters must work to discover? Jim accidentally caused her death even though Mike and Mindy think it was deliberate.

What is the mystery? What’s up with Randi? Why was Cara chosen to be the executor, not Randi?
How could the mystery be set up? Mike/Mindy pick Cara to be their kids’ guardian, but before that paperwork is even done, they pick her to also be their executor. Why?
What is the ultimate solution that the characters must work to discover? Randi has Alzheimer’s that she only informed Mindy of — no one else knew/knows.

Journey of the Lead Character:

Where does the Lead character (Cara) journey begin and end for this season?

Beginning: Cara feels obligated to take over when her friends die, but doesn’t fully understand why it is her or have a clue of what to do with the farm, isn’t sure Mindy’s use of NMT/Silva on the farm was ethical, hears her ticking biological clock.
Ending: Cara has gone through have a year of farming, learned about the farm finances and how little income there is for all of the assets; still isn’t sure why she was selected as the executor, but is beginning to understand (Randi’s odd NMT results, Randi’s fear of her sons coming to Iowa — Did Mike and Mindy know more than they told about Randi?)

2. Where does the Lead character (Randi) journey begin and end for this season?

1. Beginning: Randi wants Cara to stay and do all of the things Mindy used to do — NMT/Silva, bookkeeping, kid care, keeping her Alzheimer’s a secret

2. Ending: Randi is ready to admit that she won’t be able to stand up to her sons, fears them gaining POA over her and realizes she must set it up while she is still considered capable of making the decision if it is to stand up in court.

Layers of characters that make big changes:

Cara: Loved Mike as soon was she met him;

Was always jealous of Mindy’s life

Is desperate for a baby, but still in love with Mike as she has always been

Despite her ethics concerns she uses Silva/NMT out of habit to further her interests

Randi: Needs to cement Cara into her new role before she is incapacitated

Fiercely competitive for the sake of she and her husband’s and Mike/Mindy’s legacy for the twins — wants them to be able to farm some day so needs more land

Knows about Molly’s fake suicide note because she overheard Mike/Mindy talk about it

Lost her husband to cancer and her two older sons to Alaska which she believes killed their father — broke his heart

Is a master manipulator, despite her personality and Alzheimer’s

Jim: Wants to get Randi’s farm (or at least a third of it) for his oldest son who he is convince was Mike’s, not his.

Willing to partner with anyone to fight big ag — probably not this first season

Wants to have fun with/help Cara to influence her, but will only marry for land which Cara cannot provide him with.

Caused his wife’s accident, but deliberately tampered with Mike and Mindy’s car

Believes the fiction that he was better than Mike at everything — sports, love, farming, fatherhood

Major Story Lines:

Farming is not particularly lucrative
Farmers can help beat climate change, especially in Iowa where wind power can be a game changer for the environment — good place for carbon sequestration, carbon extraction plants?
Why has Hunter always been treated like a grandson while Gabe is not?

POSSIBLE EPISODE IDEAS

Episode 1: Cara’s best friend and her husband, the man Cara had loved for twenty years, die in a horrible accident on New Year’s Eve and she becomes the executor of their estate and the guardian of their 11 year old twins.

Accident

The funeral — Cara meeting Jim and his boys, comforting Randi and the twins,

Themes introduced: The will — video in Alaska boys??, value of farm she will be the executor for, breadth of farm

Stress the importance of keeping the land they rent for the kids.

Episode 2: Cara leaves her practice in LA and comes permanently to the farm

Cara arrives permanently at the farm and learns about the income of the farm. We learn about Randi’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis.

Why Randi dislikes Jim and Cara likes him: 1 — Thinks Mike was Hunter’s dad

2. Wants to rent the farm — indecently early request to rent

3. Charismatic widower who wants to help

4. Has 2 great kids who they all like

Randi manipulates Cara to stay on the farm — her husband/sons, land rental, legacy,

Climate change and farming — Intro to current stuff and economics

Various programs and economics

Long term options for wind power and power hungry industries

Molly’s death — Mike and Mindy’s investigation; Gabe’s computer;

Cara the farmer — Learning to drive a tractor, learning GPS control for planting, finding out about RoundUp/cover crops

Randi’s Alzheimer’s — losing words, poor explanations of equipment, recipes/ingredient descriptions, Mindy’s promise of help, researching POAs

NOTIONAL EPISODES:

Episode 1:

Hook: Mike and Mindy’s Accident

Middle: Funeral — Jim thinks one third of the farm should belong to his son; the will is read and the Alaska brothers are appalled; Why was Cara chosen instead of Randi or the brothers? Cliffhanger: Randi is the master manipulator despite her Alzheimer’s

Episode 2

Hook: Randi wants Cara to stay and do all of the things Mindy used to do — we don’t know what “all of the things” are

Middle: Cara leaves her practice in LA and comes permanently to the farm; Cara arrives permanently at the farm and learns about farm income

Cliffhanger: Randi’s Alzheimer’s is revealed to the audience

Episode 3

Hook: Randi offers poor explanations of equipment to Cara;

Middle: Hunter picks up the instruction of Cara on the tractor.

Cliffhanger: Hunter and Gabe talk about Mike and his dad. Hearing them, Jim flies into a rage, gets physical and Hunter protects Gabe from their dad’s fury.

Episode 4

Hook: Cara saves the dog’s life via an intentional medicine diagnosis

Middle: Cara pays bills for the dairy and hog operation and consults the tax accountant. The farm’s income is tenuous, at best.

Cliffhanger: Randi, afraid what Cara might do if she finds out about Randi’s Alzheimer’s, hesitates to ask her to use intentional medicine on her even though Mindy said it might slow her condition’s progress.

Episode 5

Hook: Cara gets a quick tour of the dairy and wonders why most of the workers are Latino.

Middle: Her accountant tells her the hog operation’s income will barely cover the new manager’s salary since that was Mike’s primary job. A contractor is pumping liquid manure into the oil from the dairy’s slurry pits. Curious, she asks Hunter to explain.

Cliffhanger: Jim dresses down Hunter for not working at home and Cara flirts with Jim to diffuse the situation. Randi looks on and is very concerned.

Episode 6

Hook: Randi poorly instructs Cara on the tractor’s GPS and other controls while planting corn.

Middle: Cara finds that Randi’s account of how Mike and Molly got together differs from what Mike told her when they first met in college. Cara learns about the windmills that they work around in the field and their role in the farm’s income stream, energy generation and climate change mitigation.

Cliffhanger: Randi recalls that Mike broke up with Molly because he had met Cara, his soulmate at college. He hadn’t yet met Mindy.

Episode 7

Hook: Cara is appalled when herbicide spraying is done just after planting.

Middle: Hunter explains no-till agriculture, government programs for farmers and carbon sequestration. She makes sure they are enrolled in several programs to get more money for the farm. Contrary to what she told Mindy was unethical, Cara uses Silva mind control to lower the price of seed.

Cliffhanger: Randi notes Cara’s bittersweet tale of how she introduced the twins’ parents to each other in college. Cara has been in love with him all these years.

Episode 8

Hook: Randi loses her keys in the shop for the third time in one day. Hunter finds them in her purse where she always keeps them.

Middle: Jim berates Hunter, calling him a bastard and Hunter recalls all of the times that word was used by Jim when he was angry at Molly. He also remembers Jim typing furiously on the computer before the police came to say Molly had been in a wreck. Cara recalls saying she was sure that Jim was Hunter’s father, not Mike.

Cliffhanger: Randi gets a letter saying her Alaska sons will be home in the fall to help with harvest and take over the farm. Later, in tears, she searches online for a Power of Attorney form.

Episode 9

Hook: Cara considers opening a practice locally, flirts with Jim in the grocery store and Hunter watches from the end of the aisle.

Middle: Randi can’t remember the names of ingredients in her family birthday cake recipe and describes them instead. Hunter asks Jim if he plans to marry Cara, but he says he’ll only marry to get more land, but plans to have fun with Cara since she seems willing. An argument and fight ensue and, for the first time, Hunter is able to stop his dad’s physical abuse. Gabe peeks at them in fear.

Cliffhanger: Cara considers the difference between versions of the story of Molly and Jim getting together after Mike broke up with her. Mike thought the impending baby would settle Jim down and that he had always wanted Molly’s land.

Episode 10

Hook: The 11 year old twins take over from Randi on the small tractor and mounted mowers. Randi cries as she head to the house.

Middle: When a neighbor man dies, Cara and Randi ask the widow to rent her land to them next spring. Randi knows Jim has also asked and mentions Hunter’s bruises as a reason she might want to rent to Randi. Cara weighs her options and decides to use mind control to get the widow to rent to Randi.

Cliffhanger: Jim remembers how pleased Mike was when he congratulated he and Molly on Hunter’s birth years ago. Mike was a little too happy and Jim grows enraged. Then he fantasizes about making love to Cara and flirts with her at the mailboxes the next day.

Episode 11

Hook: Cara has a problem with her car and uses Silva techniques to diagnose it. The mechanic speculates that it’s something more expensive, but she insists she’s right. She is.

Middle: Cara finds that the EQIP paperwork she got in the mail is for government programs related to climate change mitigation that may net the farm additional money. She investigates. Mike and Mindy want Molly to leave Jim, but the land is hers and she is trapped because their income isn’t enough for her to hire someone to do Mike’s farm work.

Cliffhanger: Hearing about Cara’s Silva success with her car, Randi signs up for intentional medicine classes online, but during the first lesson, she can’t focus or understand it. She gives up in tears.

Episode 12

Hook: Randi asks Cara to work her magic on her after supper because she’s feeling a bit under the weather and has been having a few senior moments.

Middle: Mindy found a file of divorce papers Molly had filled out before her death on Gabe’s computer. Cara tells her best friend in LA about their investigation of Molly’s death and then their death at the same railroad crossing. She is considering leaving for her own safety.

Cliffhanger: Randi overhears Cara’s call. When Cara uses NMT to diagnose Randi, she gets perplexing results.

Episode 13

Hook: Cara is signing papers at the lawyer and he recalls that Mike and Mindy changed their executor and the twins’ guardianship to her just two months before they died.

Middle: Just a week before they died, Mindy told Cara about her premonition of death and Mike’s promise to his dad to keep the farm for his twins and not let his Alaska brothers get it. Jim gets drunk and relives his final fight with Molly, chasing her in his pickup as she drove away and the horror of her crash into the train. Then his decision to write the suicide note although he didn’t notice Hunter watching him do it.

Cliffhanger: A replay of Mike and Mindy’s New Year’s Eve crash now explains how they thought Jim caused Molly’s accident but we know it wasn’t sabotaged brakes; Cara contemplates the NMT results for Randi and the estate paperwork’s executor and guardian designations.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Five Seasons

What I learned doing this assignment is that summarizing is really hard for me. Extrapolating is easy. It takes me a lot longer to summarize and I can do less of it per day than I can extrapolation. I really got bogged down on this, but finally finished a draft.

End point for season 5:

Where do you want these characters to go?

Cara is a full-fledged farmer, mother and politician fighting for farmers everywhere. She has a loving husband and children of her own, besides the twins who are about to graduate from high school and become farmers.
Randi is in a care facility where she can’t cook and endanger herself and others. She has lucid days and days where she makes up fantastic paranoid stories and days when she is catatonic.
Jim is still paranoid that someone will figure out that he killed his wife and killed Mike and Mindy. He has a stalemate with his oldest son who is working the farm with him. His youngest son saw his dad cut the brake line and is biding his time until he is out of college before saying anything to anyone although he hinted at it to the twins at one point. He and the female twin are dating seriously.

What is the furthest extreme of the main character’s character arc? Cara is a great farmer, mechanic, government-program-user, fighter of big ag and user of her parapsychology skills to help get her way. She is reconciled to using them because everyone else uses any/all tools at hand and anyone could use her tools if they chose too. She’s not cheating. A far cry from her ethical concerns before. she has visions of a political career — governor or senator — using those tools and leaving her farm in the capable hands of her wards, the twins.

How far can your main plot line go? The “mysterious” deaths of Mike, Mindy and Molly will be disclosed to the audience, but who knows the truth will be limited to Jim and his boys. The parapsychology usage will be amped up by Cara over the years as she aims higher. Randi will lose her fight with Alzheimers, losing all but her wit, but gaining irrationality. The twins will grow and challenge Cara, bond with Jim’s kids and think of Cara as a parent. The Alaska brothers will try to force their hands, see the growing liability that is their mother and give up as Cara becomes the farmer they never were since farming in Iowa is very different than farming in Alaska and they have lost touch with those realities and have not made the money/progress Mike, Mindy and Cara made while recognizing that the twins will carry on the farm.

What is the entire show mystery and how can it play out across five seasons? The cause of Mike and Mindy’s deaths, the relationships Mike had with the 3 women and what his mom knew about each will be explained and minimally shared over the five seasons. As Randi deteriorates, some damning info is lost in perpetuity — perhaps in journals that are stored in the attic each year when she puts the Christmas decorations away. Maybe in the last episode, someone will find them and decide not to read them or to read them.

Season 1:

A. High Concept or major hook of the season.

Will Cara stay and accept that she will be on her own sooner or later because of the Alzheimers? What do farmers have to do with climate change mitigation?

B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey:

Cara has to abandon her LA life, learn to plant, drive tractors, parent and fend off those who would rent or drive her away. We learn about crop farming economics this season.

C. Main Conflict:

Randi has her own ideas of Cara’s role, the twins hate her and rebel, Jim tries to help her and she sees him as a potential sperm donor which Randi rejects and the town speculates/probes about her role with the family.

D. Main Mystery/Open Loops:

How did Molly die? Suicide or murder? As the season is traversed, we see that whole situation unfold in various people’s flashbacks

E. Cliffhanger:

At the end, we see and understand Mindy and Mike’s “Molly!” realization as they die and we know that Jim’s oldest knows his dad faked the suicide note. He is not old enough to take over the farm, has no one to rely on or confide in and keeps it to himself as the abuse has been getting worse and his father more suspicious over the season and he fears his dad will kill him if he says anything.

Season 2:

A. High Concept or major hook of the season.

The Alaska brothers come to pay their respects and pick up a load of equipment Mike had put together for them. They don’t know about their mother’s Alzheimers and it is carefully hidden from them. They consult attorneys and threaten, but in the end, Cara “makes them go away” with her powers and they give up. What are farmers being paid to do to mitigate climate change? What are they willing to accept?

B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey:

Cara learns about the harvest part of the farm year. The dairy manager quits to take over his father’s dairy and we see a lot more of that including PETA assumptions, the real technology involved and illegals/legals who work the 7/365 jobs there.

C. Main Conflict:

Cara flirts with Jim who deflects because he has his eye on getting more land (enough for both sons) with his next marriage and Cara can’t offer that. Randi discourages Cara because she doesn’t want Cara to be distracted from her new life as a farmer.

D. Main Mystery/Open Loops:

We learn more about Mike and Molly’s relationship in high school and their breakup — why did they break up?? And more about Cara’s sense of loss when Mike died. She wasn’t sad and empty just about Mindy, but about Mike too.

E. Cliffhanger:

Jim’s youngest lets the twins know that his dad worked on cars and even worked on Mike and Mindy’s vehicle. Randi overhears and puts it in her journal, but doesn’t say anything out of fear. The Alaska brothers hear that their mother has memory problems — beginning of dementia? — from someone in town.

Season 3:

A. High Concept or major hook of the season.

The twins are helping with the farming this year and it is clear that the boy doesn’t really care about farming and that the girl definitely does. Randi starts to forget things in a dangerous way and gets cantankerous. The Alaska brothers try to wrest control of the farm from Cara, but Cara has had POA for Randi since Mike and Mindy died. She begins to use it this year. How do the climate change requirements bump up against good farming practices/finances? What are the “sides” and what are the pros and cons?

B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey:

Big Ag rears its ugly head in terms of hog production. We explore that this season as a farming issue.

C. Main Conflict:

Randi doesn’t want to give up control of the farm even though she is forgetting about checks she wrote, forgetting bills, making illogical decisions at the dairy and the hog operation and about crops/seeds/insurance.

D. Main Mystery/Open Loops:

Cara has grieved enough over Mike, finds a man and decides to marry which throws Randi and the twins into a tizzy. Will she stay with them or leave? In the end, she opts to stay. The man is someone she met in politics/big ag fights.

E. Cliffhanger:

Can the Alaska brothers wrest control of Randi’s shares of the estate from Cara? Is blood thicker than POAs? Will Cara be silenced by a disgruntled big ag fixer?

Season 4:

A. High Concept or major hook of the season.

The twins begin to resent Cara and her husband and Cara is pregnant — high risk at her age. Cara begins to feel cheated as her work on the farm is largely unpaid as far as long-range security. The farm will go to the twins and she has no share in it and her retirement money is not nearly enough to support herself in retirement. Unlike Randi, she will not be paid out of farm money once the twins are of age. She’s starts looking at what will happen after the twins are of age and it is an upheaval since the twins have college ahead of them and Cara is thinking of politics.

B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey:

Cara takes on Big Ag in the political/legal arena with her new husband who seems to be trying to hold her back. Is he progressive? Is he in Big Ag’s pocket somehow? Under duress?

C. Main Conflict:

Randi is stripped of more of her rights and freedoms. Cara has let people know that Randi is not allowed to commit funds over $1000 and she hires a dairy manager (the twin daughter may take that over one day) and the son begins rumbling about medicine and geriatrics as a possible career.

D. Main Mystery/Open Loops:

Cara needs to earn her own living in only a couple of years. Her practice in LA is gone, her interest in that kind of work has evaporated as she’s seen how she can influence business and politics with parapsychology and she is thinking of politics at the local level. She falls into something ag related and makes a name for herself over a bill at the statehouse. Her husband is less than supportive and childcare gets tricky with the twins not wanting to be stuck with it and her husband less than helpful.

E. Cliffhanger:

Randi is caring for the baby and does something particularly dangerous to the child’s health — leaves in car, leaves alone in the house, starts a fire, something like that. Does she need to be institutionalized?

Season 5:

A. High Concept or major hook of the season.

Will Cara land a job in politics? Who will look after the farm? How will Randi handle being institutionalized?

B. Big Picture Season Arc/Journey:

Randi is institutionalized, the twins decide what they want to do when they graduate. Cara decides she wants to be a farmer yet and finds that Jim’s oldest son makes a good manager for her and his youngest son is looking like the love of the girl twin’s life.

C. Main Conflict:

Randi’s deteriorating condition and institutionalization offer all of the “new to an institution, rules of an institution” conflicts of someone with Alzheimers. The Alaska brothers come and think Randi’s fine and think Cara is making it up — Randi certainly says so — and they canvas locals looking for reasons to charge Cara with abuse of her POA role with a sleazy lawyer. Cara has sitter issues (can no longer take the baby everywhere with her).

D. Main Mystery/Open Loops:

Jim’s oldest son confides to Cara that he saw his dad typing up the suicide letter of his mom’s. Cara decides she wants to know once and for all if this boy is Mike’s son and finds a way to get the blood tested with that of the male twin. She gets two samples of blood and asks if they are from the same person and gets them tested to see. They are not. She tells Jim what she has done and that the eldest is his son. It seems to change him.

E. Cliffhanger:

At the holidays, Cara finds Randi’s diaries in the attic when she is putting away the Christmas decorations and sits down to read them.

Season 1: NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED

Cara becomes the guardian of her best friends’ twins and gives up her life as a mind control and intentional healing practitioner in LA. Finding how little income is generated by the $60M in farm assets gives her pause about giving up her career to become a Midwest farmer until the twins are of age.

As Randi tries to teach her grandchildren’s new guardian what it means to be a farmer and how to put in crops using high tech farm equipment, Cara considers taking the farm organic and soon learns the stranglehold big agriculture’s chemical companies have on crop farmers.

Cara knows that Randi has early onset Alzheimers, but sees few signs of it except Randi’s extreme dislike of Cara’s friendship and mentorship with Jim, the farmer next door. Cara’s biological clock is ticking, Jim is charismatic, but he’s also grieving his wife who committed suicide. Cara becomes wary when she attempts to soften his grief with intentional healing and the results are violent.

Season 2: THE FAMILY

After six months on the farm, Mike’s brothers come home from Alaska and want to take over the farm. If they find out about their mother’s Alzheimers, they may have legal standing to get it. The long time dairy manager leaves and Cara has to manage a 3500 cow dairy and all of the business, livestock, and personnel decisions associated with it.

Her hormones raging, Cara relies on neighbor Jim who is charismatic, but makes it clear he will not marry her. She meets a politician and begins dating. Randi overhears that Jim worked on Mike and Mindy’s car and wonders if their deaths were an accident or Jim’s doing. She’s too afraid that she or Cara may be next if she tells anyone and her Alaska sons hear in town that Randi has had memory lapses and speculate about possible dementia.

Can Cara learn to use and maintain the million dollar harvester (combine) and make it through her first harvest?

Season 3: GROWING INTO THE ROLE

During Cara’s second year as a farmer, the twins begin operating the big machinery, Randi’s Alzheimers shows up in dangerous ways and Cara is forced to use her power of attorney to limit Randi’s decision power. The Alaska brothers try to wrest control of the farm from Cara while climate mitigation legislation bumps up against good farming practices and finances, causing Cara to weigh the pros and cons.

Big agriculture rears its head in the hog finishing operation on the farm and Cara’s marriage to the politician causes Randi and the twins to rebel. What will happen to them if she leaves the farm to go to Washington?

Season 4: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW

The twins resent Cara and her husband when Cara gets pregnant – high risk at her age. She feels cheated financially as her work on the farm is largely unpaid and she is not getting any equity in the farm as Mike and Mindy would have. With her own family to think of, she considers getting involved in politics to combat the financial strain big ag puts on farmers. Randi is stripped of more of her rights and freedoms when she makes financial mistakes in farm business.

After the baby is born, Cara struggles with childcare. The twins refuse to babysit as they take on more farm work and she eventually takes the baby everywhere with her. The twins are thinking of careers with the girl considering dairy management and the boy, geriatrics as he watches his grandmother’s faculties failing. Cara’s husband is not supportive of her political ambitions so she resorts to her mind control techniques to limit his influence.

Randi endangers the baby. Is it time to institutionalize her?

Season 5: THE NEXT GENERATION

The twins are growing up and preparing for college. The girl is interested in farming and dairy management and is seriously dating Jim’s youngest son. Jim’s oldest becomes Cara’s right hand man when Randi is institutionalized and he confides in Cara that he saw Jim type up the suicide note after his mom’s fatal accident. After years of speculation about whether Jim or Mike is his father, Cara finds a way to compare his blood to that of the twins. Jim is really his son’s biological father and the news seems to change Jim.

Randi tells her Alaska sons that Cara is trying to steal the twins’ legacy and they hire a sleazy lawyer to trump up abuse charges against Cara to get control of the farm and Randi’s care. While stowing the Christmas trim in the attic, Cara finds a stack of Randi’s old diaries and sits down to read them, looking for answers to the many questions she’s had over the years about relationships on the farm.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s 1st Pass

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a lot of room in my plot to add details, character information, drama and comedy. That’s good.

LOGLINE: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

PLOT/PLOT SUMMARY: #13 – Maturation: The process of

going from child to adult where the child is forced to accept changes

on the way to becoming a mature adult…but often pays a price for it.

STRUCTURE:

1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. Since outside interference often makes things worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition. The book club uses all of their efforts to empower the her to protect herself and her children. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken it too far.

8. Climax: At court, the group swears that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. They are not accessories.

9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:

The fashionista (Morgan) goes from dabbling in mind control and healing techniques to further her petty notions of helping people to using them for life or death reasons to protect others.

Part to be changed: Unnamed fashionista amuses herself with the techniques using them only for self-improvement

Biggest fear: Getting in so deep that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions

Completion of arc: She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realized her power.

PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

1. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them.

2. INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY

Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees them and is distressed.

3. INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY

Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.

4. INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.

Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

5. INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING

After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber.

6. INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING

Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.

7. INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home.

8. EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel pulls up to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of simple family spats, not anything more than that. The convo gets heated.

By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.

9. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala. She says his wife refused to testify against him and that he has gotten a restraining order against her for harassment. The book club members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. She wishes there was more she could do.

10. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back on her, but she can try to empower the wife of the woman being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape. She ponders that.

First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. Since outside interference often makes things worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

11. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

Morgan tells her book club about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she also does NMT at home. She explains each briefly. The book club includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning. They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.

12. INT. CAFE – EVENING

Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.

13. INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER

Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence for the woman and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement.

14. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.

15. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO WEEKS LATER

The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yet. The shelter woman tells the other book club members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.

Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers.

16. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them. He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.

17. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – TWO MONTHS LATER

The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave the abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her. The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence. The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan resolves to help her.

18. INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING

Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.

19. INT. CAFE – EVENING

The book club ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition. The book club uses all of their efforts to empower the her to protect herself and her children. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

20. INT. ER – EVENING

Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.

21. INT. LIBRARY CONF ROOM – EVENING

The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the day.

22. INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING

Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.

23. INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY

Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he an mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.

24. INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING

She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.

25. INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER

With surgical precision, we see her set the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer gushing, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.

Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken it too far.

26. INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The book club cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless. He was starting to get shorter with the kids — almost as angry as he got with her and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.

27. INT. POLICE STATION – LATER

The book club are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that the book club cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.

Climax: At court, the group swears that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. They are not accessories.

28. INT. COURT ROOM – DAY

One after another, we see the defendants, the book club, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out.

29. INT COURT ROOM – DAY

Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The book club celebrates.

30. INT COURT ROOM – DAY

The book club lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something. The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.

Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

31. Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress. The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Favorite Movie Outline

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s hard for me to summarize things in a hurry. This took some time and the summaries/essences are probably not that good. They don’t point to the beats as they probably should.

Horrible Bosses

Dramatic Question: Can three guys get away with killing their bosses?

Main Conflict: Each of three guys have horrible bosses and want to be rid of them without quitting their jobs and ending up like a friend who is turning tricks in bar bathrooms.

Dilemma: Do they have the guts to kill anyone?

Theme: Karma is a bitch.

1. INT. NICK’S OFFICE – MORNING

Nick (VO) tells us he is about to get a promotion he has earned and gets called to his boss’s office.

2. INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Dave makes Nick confess that he was 2 minutes late (not 1) by saying he will fire the security chief if he doesn’t confess.

3. INT. DALE’S CAR – DAY

Tells us he always wanted to grow up to be a husband and he is one.

4. INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE – DAY

Dale tells us how awful his dentist-boss (Julia) is and she shows us by talking about asking about his male size.

5. INT. LOADING DOCK – DAY

Kurt flirts with a FedEx Driver and says he loves his job.

6. INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – DAY

Jack greets Kurt and a pregnant woman waits for the bathroom where Jack’s son, Bobby, is getting high, but chides his dad about being a nit-picker. Kurt and Bobby exchange insults as Bobby leaves.

7. INT DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY

Dave makes Nick drink a big glass of scotch and tells him he’ll have to work all weekend because he (Dave) is getting his teeth whitened on Tuesday.

8. INT DENTIST’S OFFICE – DAY

Dale’s boss squirts his crotch area with water and makes off-color remarks, angry when he tells her he is engaged to his girlfriend.

9. EXT. BY JACK’S CAR

Jack tells Kurt he will be running the place some day. Kurt is delighted as Jack drives off and has a car wreck.

10. INT BAR – NIGHT

Kurt tells Dale that Jack died of a heart attack. Nick joins them and they complain about their bosses. Kurt chases some tail.

11. INT. CONF ROOM – DAY

Dave chides Nick about drinking and says he is taking the job himself. Nick fantasizes about killing him.

12. INT. BULLPEN – DAY

Nick accosts Dave about the promotion he was supposed to get. Dave makes fun of him when Nick tells him he had to work or get fired and he didn’t get to see his grandmother before she died. Nick asks why he should stay after 8 years and Dave tells him he will crush him and make him unemployable if he doesn’t stay.

13. INT – KURT’S OFFICE

Bobby has taken over his dad’s office and makes 3 horrible decisions (fire fat people, fire handicapped guy, go with illegal dumping of chemicals), asking Kurt to fire someone or 3 people will be fired. Bobby is only in it for the money.

14. INT KURT’S OFFICE

Kurt returns to his office, contemplates and lets the guy in the wheelchair go. Then Bobby comes out and says Kurt is the bad guy and heartless. He turns the office against Kurt.

15. INT DENTIST’S OFFICE

Julia asks Dale into her office and locks him in with her, scantily clad. She is inappropriate and tells him she will be getting more bold the closer he gets to his wedding day and then gropes him before letting him go.

16. INT BAR – NIGHT

The three guys complain about their bosses and inability to change jobs. Kenny comes by and says he can’t find a job. Propositions them to pay him for hand jobs. After he leaves they talk about killing their bosses, but Dale says no and the other two agree it was just hypothetical, but the subject has been broached.

17. INT DENTIST’S OFFICE

Julia offers free dental care to Dale’s fiance.

18. INT DENTAL CHAIR ROOM – DAY

After knocking out Dale’s fiance, she shows Dale pictures of his dental procedure and her posing with him while he was unconscious. Then she says if he doesn’t put out, she will kill his fiance.

19. EXT KURT’S HOUSE

Dale drives furiously to the house.

20. INT KURT’S HOUSE

Nick and Kurt are shocked when Dale says they should definitely kill their bosses. Kurt and Dale try to talk him into it by talking about how they would do it. Dale says he will find a hit man.

21. INT SLEAZY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Nick joins Dale and Kurt in the room of a seedy motel to meet a hit man who turns out to be a “Man seeking Man” fellow. They are appalled, pay him and leave.

22. INT KURT’S CAR – NIGHT

They argue about how to find a hit man and go to a bad part of town.

23. INT SEEDY BAR – NIGHT

They insult the bartender while asking if he knows a hit man and he drives them out with a baseball bat.

24. EXT SEEDY BAR – NIGHT

A man follows them out and introduces himself as Motherfuckah Jones.

25. INT BEDROOM – NIGHT

Motherfuckah tells how he got his nickname — stealing his mother’s week’s pay.

26. EXT SEEDY BAR

Jones asks for $30K, but lowers the price to $15K to make the deal. They will meet at a mall with a briefcase of money.

27. INT NICK’S OFFICE – DAY

Dave is having his office and the sales office knocked together into his big new office.

28. INT. BANK – DAY

Nick is getting the $5K cash fro ma teller.

29. INT KURT’S OFFICE – DAY

Bobby is having an orgy in his office during work hours.

30. INT KURT’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Kurt is getting out cash from his hidden savings.

31. INT KURT’S OFFICE – DAY

Bobby is being inappropriate with everyone in the bullpen.

32. INT DENTIST’S OFFICE

Julia is licking/kissing Dale.

33. INT CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Dale is getting cash from an ATM

34. INT MALL – NIGHT

They hand over the money to Jones, but he says he’s only going to be a murder consultant, not the murderer. He tells them how to plan the “accidents”. He suggests they kill each other’s bosses like Strangers on a Train.

35. INT NICK’S OFFICE

Nick says he can’t leave the office right away.

36. EXT KURT’S CAR – DAY

Dale and Kurt are in the car outside waiting for him and tell him to hurry up.

37. INT NICK’S OFFICE

Nick sticks a pen down his throat to make himself throw up and Dave tells him to get out, take his work with him and having it on his desk by 6AM Monday. Nick leaves.

38. INT KURT’S CAR – EVENING

Dale, Nick and Kurt bicker as they surveil Bobby’s house.

39. INT KURT’S CAR – LATER

They are all exhausted from the boredom, they decide to look in the windows or ring the bell to see if Bobby is even home. The garage door opens and they scatter as a sportswear flies out of it. They sneak in under the closing garage door.

40. INT BOBBY’S HOUSE

They look for some idea of Bobby’s schedule. Dale finds cocaine and then spills the cocaine on the floor. Kurt inspects his bedroom and bathroom and settles on his toothbrush, rubbing his butt crack with it. They vacuum up the cocaine, but the dustbuster had already been used.

41. EXT KURT’S CAR – LATER

Kurt has stolen Bobby’s watch phone and Dale objects to the theft. They drive to the dentist’s house, bickering.

42. EXT DAVE’S HOUSE

Nick and Kurt leave Dale outside and negotiate a 2 honk signal while he keeps watch. They throw the key-rock and then use the key to get in.

43. INT DAVE”S HOUSE

Nick and Kurt surprise a cat and then go upstairs.

44. EXT KURT’S CAR

Dale is rocking out in the car instead of being the lookout.

45. INT DAVE’S HOUSE

The cat keeps getting in the way as they look for ideas of how to kill him.

46. EXT KURT’S CAR

Dale throws a wrapper out the window, Dave tells him to pick it up. Dave is allergic to peanuts and tries to get Dale to give him his epi shot. Dale finally manages it as Dave’s wife gets home. Dale has accidentally saved Dave’s life.

47. INT DAVE’S HOUSE

Nick and Kurt freak out and leave out the back door.

48. EXT KURT’S CAR

Dale gets back in the car and drives away when Dave accuses Dale of stalking his wife so he drives off, honking the horn once.

49. EXT STREET HOUSE

Nick and Kurt decry their lack of recon time. Dale pulls up and they, thinking he killed Dave, chide him for doing it in public. They lock him out of the car while they confer.

50. INT KURT’S CAR

Nick and Kurt lock Dale out of the car while they confer about using bad cocaine to kill Bobby and peanuts to kill Dave. Then they let Dale in.

51. INT STORE

They buy rat bait to poison the cocaine with and pick up peanuts.

52. EXT STORE

Dale is going to put peanuts in Dave’s place, Nick is going to poison Bobby’s cocaine. Kurt is going to do recon on Julia.

53. EXT JULIA’S HOUSE

Kurt is shocked at how hot Julia is when she gets home. Kurt calls Nick to say it’s going to be hard to kill Julia because she is so hot. Later it is revealed that they had sex.

54. EXT BOBBY’S HOUSE

Nick is waiting outside Bobby’s house for an opportunity to get in. They wonder how Dale is doing with Dave.

55. DAVE’S HOUSE

Dave is looking for evidence his wife has been having an affair and sees his cat playing with something. It is Bobby’s phone/watch that they stole from his place. He is determined.

56. EXT BOBBY’S HOUSE

Dale sees Dave leave and goes into his house, adding peanuts to his shampoo.

57. NICK’S CAR

Nick waits outside Bobby’s place and sees Dave heading into Bobby’s house, knocking on the door. He shoots Bobby twice and leaves. Nick hides from him as he pulls away. They agree to meet at the bar.

58. INT BAR

They argue about Dale not doing peanuts at Dave’s house, Kurt finding it will be difficult to kill Julia and Kurt no longer needing to kill Bobby. He claims she was undressing and eating “weird shaped foods” to tantalize him. He was lured into the house. They decide to send an anonymous tip to the cops saying Dave killed Bobby.

59. EXT KURT’S CAR

The cops block them in as they are leaving the bar and say they saw Kurt’s car leaving the scene of a bar.

60. BACK OF COP CAR

They are booked and arguing in the back of the car.

61. INT COP SHOP WAITING ROOM

They talk over other people waiting in the room as though no one else is there.

62. INT INTERROGATION ROOM

Cop accuses him to of fleeing a murder scene. They banter and Dale gets them out with legal jabber and they leave.

63. INT KURT’S CAR

They argue about their next moves and decide to consult Motherfuckah

64. INT BAR

Jones wants more money and congratulates them for getting one of the guys to kill another one. He suggests they get Dave to admit to the murder while wearing a wire. Jones confesses to bootlegging a movie and doing 10 years for video piracy. Jones berates them for being so gullible.

65. INT KURT’S CAR

They discuss how they are going to get Dave to confess on a recording.

66. EXT DAVE’S HOUSE

They continue bickering.

67. INT DAVE’S HOUSE

They ring the doorbell, Dave’s wife answers and everyone yells surprise. She recognizes Dale who saved Dave’s life and they re all invited in to the party as they wait for Dave. Kurt flirts with Dave’s wife. Dave is shocked and hates surprises. He doesn’t notice Nick. They go to confront him.

68. INT DAVE’S STUDY

They tell Dave that they saw him kill someone. They get him to confess that he shot it and liked it. He thinks they are blackmailers and is very angry with them and he said they are dead men. When he goes for his gun, they run.

69. INT DAVE’S HOUSE

They find Kurt coming out of the bathroom with Dave’s Wife (sex obvious) and hustle him out of the house.

70. INT KURT’S CAR

They go by Bobby’s house and cops are there. Nick talks about leaving the country to be safe. Julia calls Dale from her bath and talks dirty to him until he says what he will do to her. They are rammed repeatedly by Dave’s SUV in a chase scene while Dale is still on the phone talking dirty to Julia. The navigation service guy disables their car and Dave catches up with them, ramming them again, accosting them with a gun in his hand.

71. EXT KURT’S CAR

Dave threatens to kill them all, then decides he will accuse them of killing Bobby and threatening him. He shoots himself in the leg, throws the gun to Dale and the cops pull up. The cop can’t find the recording on the recorder so the navigation guy butts in. He replays the conversation and they arrest Dave.

72. EXT NICK’S OFFICE

Nick (VO) says they got off and he is the acting President. Bob Newhart is the CEO who is very twisted.

73. INT KURT’S OFFICE

Kurt gets his old job back and the pregnant woman isn’t pregnant and the wheelchair guy is now in charge.

74. INT DENTIST’S OFFICE

Dale frames Julia with Kenny as a patient they are going to molest and he has Jones outside videoing it. He blackmails her with the video they made of her to be nice.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Action Structure!

What I learned doing this assignment is that with my various tracks (a technique I have used in novels for years), it is easy to put together the structure/order. I struggled to NOT include all of the details I already knew between the turning points, but managed to skip most of them that related to subplots of romance and intrigue.

OPENING: A failed Army mission in the war left a soldier with PTSD and a teacup poodle as a PTSD assistance animal. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elves point out the President’s Parents who mall walk every morning. Villains plan to use an inside double agent in the Secret Service and some low level mercenaries to kidnap the President’s Parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network before killing the parent and escaping.

INCITING INCIDENT: A man with FBI ID shoots the Secret Service agent with the parents and with the mercenaries, takes off with the parents. The mall santa ditches his hat, stashes his little dog in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he will meet them.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1: In a chase scene, the Santa heads to his locker to pick up his go-bag, knocking out the FBI guy and one of the mercenaries. He whisks the President’s Parents away in his car, causing the bad guys to wreck theirs. The FBI guy tells the authorities that Santa is kidnapping the President’s Parents.

MIDPOINT: During a cross country chase during which he thought he had removed all of the trackers for the President’s Parents, they stop at a rest stop. The Secret Service agent who was knocked down by a shot to her vest, has followed them and now disables the vehicle of government agents who are following them at the rest stop. Apparently, the Santa missed a tracker.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2: The terrorist organization boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that the Secret Service agent is on the trail of the parents. He tells FBI double agent who gets all of the government’s assets tracking her. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, the Santa uses travel by water, hiking and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.

CRISIS: The villains track the Secret Service agent when she leaves her car to follow the Santa and parents into the borrowed house and capture all four of them, calling the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.

CLIMAX: Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and Santa escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using McGyver-isms to defeat them, tying them up and using comm devices to notify the President that they are safe and to call off all of the searchers, identifying the rogue FBI agent. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.

RESOLUTION: The terrorists defeated, the Secret Service agent, Santa and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m awful at summarizing what is important about my characters, but infinitely able to complicate and extrapolate to make the stories more vivid and exciting. This was a tough assignment for me and I think I’ll be updating and modifying the character descriptions for a long time. These are early drafts, I hope.

Cara:

A Silva Mind Control and intentional medicine practitioner in LA agrees to be the guardian of her lifelong best friend’s twins and farm when the friend gets a premonition that she and her husband are in danger. Two months later, she’s on her way to rural Iowa to take on the responsibilities of the twins and their legacy, a $60M farm that, on average, breaks even. Smart and empathetic to the family and friends left behind by the deaths, she finds herself besieged by people giving her farming advice, including her friend’s mother-in-law who might have been her own mother-in-law if she’d married the farmer before her friend did.

When the mother-in-law reveals that she has Alzheimers, the newly minted farmer must become the mechanic, agronomist, dairy farmer, manager and financial wizard that modern farming demands in the short time remaining before Alzheimers renders the woman incapable. With her own biological clock ticking loudly and the widower next door starting to look good to her, she navigates the high stress, high stakes world of Midwest farming and uses her mind control techniques to attempt to control those around her.

Randi:

This mother of three adult boys and grandmother of delightful boy-girl twins has just found out she has early onset Alzheimers. With her favorite son dead, this hard working, opinionated farmer is compelled to use every trick in the book to keep her daughter-in-law’s replacement focused only on the twins and their legacy until they are of age. The fact that their new guardian is even better at manipulating people via parapsychology than her daughter-in-law was is a bonus.

Blessed with a wicked sense of gallows humor, she pushes to keep the new farmer from falling for her widowed neighbor or anyone else that could take her away and leave the twins vulnerable to unprincipled guardians, including her other two sons. Knowing more about her neighbor’s wife, her son’s three loves and the new farmer’s foibles than she lets on, she struggles to school her in everything she’ll need to know before her own incapacitation makes her dependent on the new farmer as well.

JIm:

Avaricious and vicious, a charismatic farmer seeks more land to leave to his two sons. Having gotten enough land for one of them by marrying his first wife, he is now on the hunt for a second one who will leave everything to his sons someday. Jealous of his neighbor who had better parents, first pick of all the girls in high school, including his dead wife, and who is possibly the father of his oldest son, Jim finds himself drawn to the new farmer in the neighborhood, but repelled by her lack of land.

As Jim’s oldest son grows more distant and more involved with the neighbors, Jim wonders how much people know about his first wife’s apparent suicide and if they will connect it to the deaths of his friends next door. If charm and lending a helping hand will keep him safe until his sons are of age, he’ll use them.

Mike:

Although recently deceased when the story opens, Mike’s altruistic heroism is the stuff of legend. Unaware of his wife’s parapsychology help and his mother’s Alzheimers, he rescues women from loneliness and abuse while being a leader in the local agricultural economy. What no one sees is how easily he can be drawn from one woman to another if the new lady needs rescuing.

Mike’s wife keeps him safe from the wiles of other women and a safe distance from Cara who he once let slip was his soulmate, but she could do nothing when they began to suspect that Jim, his lifelong friend, had faked his wife’s suicide. Gathering evidence and preparing to take it to the police was the last thing he did.

Mindy:

Although killed in the same crash that took her husband, Mindy was Cara’s childhood best friend from their days as schoolgirls in Chicago to college besties to parapsychology enthusiasts throughout adulthood. Although unaware that Cara love Mike before she did, she was well aware that Mike was always eager to talk to Cara and she saw to it that that never happened by preventing Cara from coming to the farm.

Mindy’s love of her twins and aware of her mother-in-law’s Alzheimers made her sign Cara on to become the twins’ guardian should anything happen to Mike and her. Believing her powers were weaker than Cara’s, she was aware how much Cara envied her idyllic farm life and perfect family. When she had a premonition of death, she wasn’t sure if Cara’s powers had something to do with it or if it was all Jim.

Molly:

Farmer at heart and heir apparent to her family’s considerable holdings, Molly wanted to marry her best friend Mike but couldn’t go to college when he did because of her father’s failing health. Marrying Jim on the rebound and satisfied with her choice of the charismatic man who adored her, she never questioned that her firstborn was his child, but her jealous husband did. As her eldest child grew up and seemed to enjoy time with Mike and his family more than his time with Jim, her charismatic man swung between loving husband and abusive madman.

Knowing that if anything happened to her, Jim would inherit the land and fearing that her sons would suffer, she sought help from her old friends, Mike and Mindy, only to have her husband’s rage increase. Fleeing from his rage one night, she drove into the path of a train. How her life unraveled and what role she played in it may explain how and why she died.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intriguing Concept and World

What I learned doing this assignment is my stories just keep morphing. the more questions I answer, the more it skews toward, I hope, more interesting and, I hope, a more commercial show.

A. An LA-based Silva/NMT practitioner inherits her best friend’s $60M farm and her twins.

B. She finds that farming is an asset rich, cash poor big business, not profitable large scale gardening.

C. To preserve the twins’ farm legacy, she must conquer the complex world of modern farming

D. before her mentor, the family matriarch, becomes incapacitated by her Alzheimers.

The world of this show:

Reason to Explore it: Farmers play an outsized role in climate change remediation and the coastal regions have no idea who they’ll be dealing with if we are to avert climate disaster. It’s time they met their saviors and learned what farmers are already doing and the incredible challenges they face.

The Unseen: Dairies and hog operations that feed America are usually portrayed like “The Waltons” with hayseeds and hicks in control or like corporate misery factories from PETA videos. It’s college educated, technology savvy, compassionate farmers and skilled craftsmen who populate this world.

Unique Sub-World: A modern MidWestern farm is more big business and big gambles than “working the soil”. Big Ag companies control supply chains. Farmers, squeezed from both sides, try to eke out a living and make payments on their assets, not so they can become rich, but so that they can continue farming.

Previously unexplored: Most people think of Green Acres, vegetable fields with immigrant farm workers, or wineries when they think of farming. Upper Midwest farming is big equipment used a few weeks per year, 24/365 animal operations, and only a meager living for the best and biggest farms.

The Unknown: Land is like gold and farmers scramble when someone dies or becomes incapacitated to woo the landowners into letting them rent or buy the land.

Unheard of Dangers: Tornadoes, hail, severe weather or drought can bankrupt a farmer in a heartbeat.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Action Track

What I learned doing this assignment is that the action scenes must be varied and must be regularly placed within the screenplay.

My Action Scenes:

Shootout/Fight: Fight scene at the mall to open the action.

Purpose: Show the hero is a skilled fighter, show he will protect the president’s parents, show that the bad guys will kill (the SS agent is shot). Fun fight.

Chase/Pursuit: Segway ride to escape the downed bad guys.

Purpose: Comedy, show how fast the hero is compared to a segway.

Chase/Pursuit: Chase Scene to lose the bad guys who follow him (and the President’s Parents (PP)) away from the mall.

Purpose: Include a chase scene where the hero gets the bad guys to wreck a car so he can get away.

Competition: SS agent who was shot disables the agents’ vehicle and the agents in the cross country drive at a rest stop.

Purpose: Shows she is a kick-ass agent not involved in the kidnapping. Shows that she and the bad guys had no trouble finding/following the hero and PP.

Dangerous Situations: Stealing clothes and forcing the PP to put them on and leave everything else behind.

Purpose: Show the hero is determined to keep the PP safe in spite of their lack of cooperation. Show he knows he was followed. Add humor. Show his consideration for the elderly couple.

Chase scene — lose the SS agent in a small town. Purpose: Show the SS agent is still on their trail — how??

Purpose: Show the superior evasion skills of the hero. Start an argument with the PP about whether the SS is a good guy or bad guy.

Dangerous Situation: SS Agent beats them to the great aunt’s cottage at the lake. SS and hero fight, but PP put a stop to the fight by firing a gun, something that silences both of them knowing that 2 shots will bring the cops.

Purpose: Show that the PP are not sheep in this.

Escape/Evade: Flight by water, hiking, to the great aunt’s friend’s cottage.

Purpose: Show how well they cover their tracks. Comic relief.

Competition: Circuitous route used to get somewhere they can contact President directly without it being traceable or getting someone else in trouble.

Purpose: Show cleverness. Humor: Holiday options.

Shootout/Chase: Final shootout as bad guys close in, new good guys close in on the bad guys and SS and hero protect/hide the PP using isolation, watercraft, booby traps and mcgyverisms.

Purpose: Big finish. Fun fight.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS 80 Janeen’s Basic Structure

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that the necessary questions have shaped the plot, but that one or more of them will need to be explored and included in every scene in the screenplay to provide the tension and depth required.

Working Title: Thoughts and Prayers

1. Concept:

A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

2. 9 Beat Structure

1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.

2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.

3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. Since outside interference often makes things worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.

5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition. The book club uses all of their efforts to empower the her to protect herself and her children. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.

7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken it too far.

8. Climax: At court, the group swears that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. They are not accessories.

9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 – Janeen’s Necessary Questions

What I learned doing this assignment is that these four items are, indeed, very different and exploring all four will make a much richer movie.

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

Dramatic Question: If you use mind control methods to help people without their knowledge are you a criminal if the result is murder?

Main Conflict: As abuse escalates in a household, who will survive? The husband or the wife?

Dilemma: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?

Theme: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Villain Track!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I still don’t have a really clear vision of my villains. I’ll definitely be updating this as more details come into focus.

Villain Track Questions

Villain’s Plan —

Pre-existing: Foreign agents think they have turned a Secret Service agent who covers the President’s parents. The plan is to kidnap the parents and force the president to transfer a huge ransom into numbered accounts and release members of their network that are being held by the CIA. The SS agent has a counter-plan to use the President’s parents’ doubles as decoys and let them get kidnapped, with trackers installed in their clothing and personal items so they can be traced and rescued when the top members of the network are identified and captured.

Ways the Villain can attack or destroy the hero:

Beat the hero up in the mall, but get outsmarted by the mall cop, planting a tracker on the hero.

Suspect the double agent was in on the rescue and shoot her.

Follow close enough so that they can see when he trades cars — if he kidnaps the President’s parents, it’s safer than if they do it, so it’s a Win-Win for them – or so they think.

Track the hero via the tracker they put on his clothes after he makes the parents change clothes and leaves them in the old car.

Recognize they are being followed as they drive across country following the parents. It’s the “turned agent” they thought they killed.

They notify their bosses.
Bosses send assassins to clean things up, killing the bungling agents and not recognizing that they are being followed by the unturned agent.

3. What advantage does the villain have and how can they exploit that? The Villain has trackers more insiders besides the SS person. Those people are feeding him info on where the couple have gone. Intel.

4. Fitting End: The mastermind is caught/killed when he comes to “verify for himself” that the parents are the real deal and prove to the president that he has them.

Villain’s Track

PLAN: To use inside double agents to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to transfer a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network before killing them and escaping.

MISTAKE: The parents’ SS agent only posed as a double agent — still working for US.

ATTACK: The snatching of the parents at the mall goes wrong when the mall Santa (hero) intervenes to escape with the parents. The SS agent, their inside woman, is killed.

PLAN: Track the mall Santa to track the parents.

DEMAND: They tell the President they have his parents anyway, thinking they will be easy to catch with all of the trackers, and the President says he won’t deal until they are all on camera together.

CHASE: The mall Santa changes cars and makes the parents change everything they are wearing and carrying to avoid trackers but the villain is only one step behind, finding out what they’ve done.

SETBACK: The villain’s car is derailed at a rest stop by an unknown person (the SS agent who is tracking them to track the parents)

A BREAK: The boss sends in assassins to clean things up and gets intel that the SS agent is alive and on the trail of the parents so they track her with help from their government insiders.

CAPTURE: They follow the SS agent when she leaves her car to follow the parents, and they capture all 4 of them in the house.

DEMAND: They call the President who tells them that they have the doubles. They decide to kill the four.

DEFEAT: The SS agent and Santa, with the parents’ help, defeat the terrorist assassins.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that even though I picked a concept, it is morphing with each new decision. This time, I severely cut my cast of characters for an easier sale.

Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.
I’ve reduced the character structure to 1 — Protagonist vs. Antagonist (for easier sale). <div>

My Characters:

My protagonist is a wealthy fashionista who learns mind control techniques to empower a woman who is being abused by her husband.

My Antagonist is a fashion designer who keeps his wife and kids isolated in his home and suspects the protagonist of being in contact with them and working against him, growing angrier and even getting a restraining order against the fashionista.

How this will play out.

The wealthy fashionista has met the designer’s wife and kids a few years before and the woman had bruises. When she works with the designer to prep for a show, she sees the woman and her kids huddled in a darkened room as she is led through the house. Each time she comes back, she tries to help, but the next time, the bruising is worse and the designer begins menacing her as he realizes she is the one trying to help his wife to leave him.

The fashionista has been studying mind control techniques to use in her own life and realizing that abused women often have had their self-esteem, self-confidence, and will stripped from them by their abusers, she sets out to use her mind control techniques to prop up the woman to the point where she can leave her husband.

As the wife grows bolder, so does the husband. In a climactic (midpoint) tussle that ensues, the designer is killed. The police believe the wife’s claims of innocence, but the husband had been to the police before expressing his fear that the fashionista was plotting to kill him. Her defense is that all she did was offer “thoughts and prayers” for the abused woman who claims she never asked for any help — which she didn’t. Can someone be indicted for offering “thoughts and prayers” if they are offered via powerful mind control techniques?

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[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 – Janeen’s Dramatic Plots 2

What I learned doing this is that some of these plots required me to focus on only one character’s journey for my ensemble cast. This invites a series. 🙂

My original concept: A book club learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower other women to take action against their abusers. As the book club’s ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

2. Other Plot:

1. Maturation — A wealthy fashionista volunteers at a women’s shelter and wants to help women flee their abusers unaware that her overt efforts disempower them even more and put the shelter, the abused women, and her in more danger than before. As she works with her book club to find new ways to help, she learns that telepathy, empowerment and healing give the women, and her, what they need to escape from danger.

2. Discovery — A librarian finds new ways to stay safe and help women in abusive situations with the help of her book club. Her own similar situation ended in her ex-husband’s death and the estrangement of her children, something she must find a way to avoid for a library patron and her children currently in danger.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dramatic Plots 1

What I learned doing this is plots evolve to fit the stories we’re trying to tell. Can’t wait for the next 10.

Rescue

A Book Club struggles to rescue abused women from their husbands knowing that any acceptance of outside help will make the abuse worse for the victims. Their growing arsenal of parapsychology techniques are empowering the abused to rescue themselves but then one of the abusive husbands is killed by his wife and the cops suspect the Book Club of murder.

2. Revenge

A book club’s efforts to help women escape their abusers often end with the women being punished even more until the club finds parapsychology techniques that embolden and empower the abused to liberate themselves. One family takes revenge too far and murders their abuser, however, which leads the police to suspect that the book club’s been doing much more than just sending “thoughts and prayers”.

[Janeen Johnson]

PS80 – Janeen’s Character Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that pulling characters out of the air is easier than I thought it would be. Unfortunately, the character structure morphed into an atrociously long logline.

A book club learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower other women to take action against their abusers. As the book club’s ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.

2. Ensemble Cast — 4 women in the club and the antagonist, an abusive husband.

3. Lead Characters

1. An ER Nurse has seen so many battered women come in that she has to do something, even if it’s an intentional medicine technique.

2. A Librarian wants to find ways to guide kids in trouble to solutions through mind control.

3. A Wealthy Fashionista volunteers at a women’s shelter and finds ways to fund women’s flight from bad situations that don’t feel like charity.

4. A Female Cop, fed up with the lack of prosecution of abusers, asks the rest of the book club for help in making the abusers pay.

5. An Abusive Husband gets caught in the crosshairs of the group, but vows to make his wife pay if any member of the book club tries anything to stop him from exercising tyrannical control over his family.

4. Character Structure:

Fed up with repeated abuse calls where terrified wives can’t testify against their abusive husbands for fear of worse retaliation, a Female Cop asks her book club to help liberate the women and their kids. Using every parapsychology technique they can find, but without any direct contact with the abused women, the club counters every beating and isolation technique the husbands pull with empowerment, support, and enabling tools for the wives. As more wives escape their abusive situations, the book club hones their techniques, but then a particularly timid woman kills her husband. The Female Cop’s partner knows what the book club’s been doing and charges them with murder.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen has completed the BW Framework!

What I learned from doing this process is that when I tried to fill in parts of the chart from memory, I missed a LOT of the depth I had already built into the daily lessons. Doing this process in daily bites gave me a much more nuanced and complex framework.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Hero Mission Track (Holiday Action/Comedy)

What I learned doing this assignment is that as long as you keep making things worse for the hero, the story writes itself. Lots of new details to determine yet and this is all plot, no detailed action scenes at this point.

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? Former Army Ranger with PTSD from losing teammates in battle who is now a mall Santa with his tiny PTSD dog dressed as a reindeer. <div>

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? Take the President’s parents (in their 70s) off the grid to protect them from what appears to be foreign agents working with the Secret Service.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero? Internal: Having lost his teammates in battle, he’s not about to fail in another mission. External: Having seen how hard the parents took it when the Secret Service agent was killed, he is compelled to keep them safe (remember, they’re in their 70’s so not as mobile are more fragile than he is)

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

– He could see the woman he’s always thought was a Secret Service agent be killed by bad guys attempting to kidnap the President’s parents and realize he has to come to the rescue.

– He could subdue the bad guys and have the parents use his Segway to escape from the bad guys.

– He can overhear a rogue agent using FBI contacts reporting him as the abductor and one who killed the Secret Service agent and know that he has to take the parents off the grid to keep them safe as all of the surveillance and tracking resource fo the intelligence agencies are at the bad guys’ disposal.

– The hero could have a go bag hidden somewhere in the mall with cash, weapons and IDs that he can use.
He can escape with the parents and then trade vehicles to older ones that predate chips/GPS/OnStar/etc and are nondescript so they can hide in plain sight on the road.

– He can take the parents on a road trip heading for a lakeside resort in winter where no one knows him or is likely to see the parents.

– As they head cross-country to the resort, they can be followed, accosted and finally joined by the assumed dead Secret Service agent who thinks he’s a buffoon (but will eventually become the love interest).

– He can rescue the parents and Secret Service agent when she is followed by the real bad guys.

– He can find clever ways to defeat technology/cameras on the road, at every food stop and store, in towns and cities to keep them from being followed by all of the federal, state and local agencies that are now looking for them.

– He can make use of the small resort’s social norms to hide the parents and Secret Service agent until he can neutralize the bad guys.

– He can rescue the parents and agent many times, use his cleverness and his little dog to save the day and prove himself at every turn.

2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.

Clear Mission: Rescue the President’s parents and help them escape a double agent and foreign henchmen intent on using them to blackmail the President.

Motivation: A failed mission in a war (Afghanistan, Iraq?) and a chance at redemption and self-respect again if he can do his duty to protect the parents. </div>

Inciting Incident: A man who had identified himself as FBI to the mall cop shoots the Secret Service agent with the parents, teams up with some bad looking terrorist foreigners and kidnaps the parents.

First Action: He ditches the Santa hat and stashes his little dog in a handy pouch/backpack/carrier and chases after the bad guys, cutting them off and using his military training to knock them out.

Obstacle: He is able to knock out the FBI guy and one of the agents to get the parents away, pick up his go-bag and get them out of the mall, but now the FBI guy says HE is kidnapping the parents.

Escalation: Police and state troopers descend on the mall as he and the parents leave in his car. He has to get out of there, trades cars for one with no way to track or disable and realizes he has to head somewhere off the grid when he finds that the parents’ purse, shoes, etc., have trackers in them.

Overwhelming Odds: He thinks he’s safe when he stops at an empty house along the road, but the Secret Service agent joined the parents when he was getting food and she hid in the back of the vehicle, trying to decide if he’s a good guy or one of the bad guys.

New Plan: The Secret Service agent had a trackable phone with her so they have to change the plan and find an empty vacation home of a friend (no breaking in) so they can’t be tracked. They have to trade cars again too and are about out of money.

Full out Attack: The bad guys have been getting intel from people all over and have access to the best tactical info on where they might be. The bad guys issue the blackmail request to the president, planning to pin the kidnapping on the hero. The Secret Service agent gets a message to the president about his parents’ predicament and who the bad guys are, but the bad guys have found them and are attacking.

Success: The Secret Service agent, parents and hero work together to defeat the bad guys, tie them up and then use the comm devices to notify the President that they are safe and to call off the dogs — well, not the little PTSD dog. :->

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Creating Irony

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need a better way to keep track of all of the info I’ve developed regarding the characters, scenarios, etc. I’m looking into software tools to help.

Assignment 1:

Big Little Lies

Madeline jumps into help people whenever she sees what she thinks is injustice and ends up making the trouble worse. (Everyone denies Perry was pushed, but Perry was pushed and in the end, they have to go confess to their perjury) <div>

Celeste accepts everyone’s praise for her perfect marriage/life and she is being abused at home.

Jane wants to kill the man that raped her, but in the end, someone she barely knows does it for her for a completely different reason.

Assignment 2:

Character Irony:

Cara

Thinks she’s not very powerful, but is afraid she caused Mike and Mindy’s deaths.

Randy

Randy wants Cara to use her powers to help/save the farm for the kids, but doesn’t think she can do anything to slow his Alzheimer’s decline

Mindy:

Mindy never doubted Mike’s fidelity regarding Molly, but was always wary of letting Cara get near him alone — something that rarely happened over the holidays in Chicago.

Mike:

Molly had been Mike’s first love, but he had never considered anything romantic when he pressed to help her when he saw/heard about Jim’s abuse of her.

Jim:

Jim was always jealous of Mike even though Mike was glad that he and Molly got married since he had always liked Molly and knew she needed/wanted to marry a farmer. <div>

Jim’s jealousy causes his abuse of Molly to escalate, causing Mike to try to help her but she never strayed or wanted to stray. Jim jealousy drove the love of his life away from him.

Situational Irony:

Mindy thought something bad was going to happen to Mike and her and set up the guardianship/POA agreements, but did nothing to stop it. <div>

Mike knew about his dad’s Alzheimer’s, but promised not to tell Molly so he included language in the will and also missed opportunities to have Mindy help Randy.

Environmentalists decry the use of RoundUp by farmers not realizing that to get the yields they need to continue farming, they have to use the hybrid seeds their neighbors do and use low tillage methods that require RoundUp resistant seed. If they try to go organic or even just avoid RoundUp, their neighbors’ spraying will kill their crops and they will go under. Catch-22.

Mindy and Cara each thought the other was more powerful.
Cara was jealous of Mindy’s life and now she has it — sans Mike.

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[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Hero and Villain

What I learned doing this assignment is that the backstory makes up a big part of the hero’s MO and will need to be sprinkled in here and there to explain his actions and reactions.

Holiday Action/Comedy

Concept:

Hero Morally Right: Saves the President’s parents (his mall buddies) from being kidnapped — perhaps he’s a mall Santa instead of a mall cop. 🙂
Villain Morally Wrong: Wants to blackmail the President into signing a treaty that is bad for the US, but good for the villain’s country.<div>

Hero

A. Unique Skill Set — Former Army Ranger, has PTSD dog that can tell if someone is dangerous to him or not — the pup is good at reading people <div>

B. Motivation — To be brave, to be somebody, to fight for his country again

C. Secret or Wound — Misjudged a woman during battle and she betrayed his team. He was the only survivor and no longer trusts his instincts about people – especially women.

Villain

A. Unbeatable — Secret Service agent gone rogue, but a double agent so still able to use all of the government’s tracking/surveillance info to find the parents. </div><div>

B. Plan/Goal — Hold the parents hostage until after the President has signed the deal and made it public

C. What they lose if Hero survives — Villain loses his life (he’ll fight to the death), his country loses the “deal” the President will sign — not sure what that is yet.

Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action — The parents’ asst. is shot (presumably dead/injured) and the hero must rescue them and get the parents to safety </div>

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Hero’s been “living undercover” in foreign countries before, but never with 70+ year olds and not in the US. He’s always had technology on his side, but now all of it is working against him.

C. Destroy the Villain — Figure out who the rogue agent is (everyone is looking for them so figuring out who the real bad guy is can be very tricky), what they want, how to lure them to somewhere they can be subdued/killed without endangering the President’s parents.

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[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is that no matter how many times I return to a concept, it can always be improved, modified, reinvented or augmented to make it better.

Genre: Holiday Action/Comedy

Concept:

A former Army Ranger and his PTSD teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents, vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue Secret Service agent, during a holiday chase to a lakeside cottage safe house.

Conventions:

Hero: Mall cop (Former Army Ranger) with a teacup poodle as his PTSD animal

Demand For Action: Someone has kidnapped the President’s smart-mouthed parents who mall walk every day, shooting their Secret Service/Personal Assistant in the process.

Mission: To keep the parents safe and off the grid until the bad guys are caught or neutralized.

Antagonist: Rogue Secret Service agent working for a foreign government wanting to manipulate the President’s foreign policy. Foreign agents trying to independently kidnap the parents. And, for a time, the parents’ personal assistant who faked being fatally shot in the abduction so she could live to rescue her charges.

Escalating Action: They go cross country, off the grid, to a safe house (the mall cop’s great aunt’s cottage, okay, actually some friend of hers’ house on a lake in the off season), battling the bad guys and evading Feds of all kinds until the bad guys are vanquished and the rogue agent is arrested.

[Janeen Johnson]

1. Name? Janeen Johnson

2. How many scripts you’ve written? 3 completed (and awful), 3 in progress

3. What you hope to get out of the class? A start to a killer action/comedy screenplay and the knowledge to make it salable.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’ve done stints as an Air Force officer, a law student, a telemarketer, a crafter and an engineer. Now I’m a writer.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Janeen Johnson]

Lesson 10 — Janeen’s Plot and Character Layers

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is pretty easy to build lots of layers using the techniques provided. I can see more all of the time that can be used in individual episodes.

Assignment 1

Plot layers:

Major scheme revealed — Someone was killed on the school grounds at a school function
Mystery revealed — Celeste is being abused by her husband
Thought the story was one thing, but it is another — Jane was raped by the abusive husband, her child was accused of abuse at school while it was one of the abuser’s other sons that did it.
Hidden history — the rape, the abuse
Hidden plan — Jane wants to murder the guy she thinks did it.
Major Betrayal — When Bonnie pushes the abuser and he dies, they all lie about it at Madeline’s insistence, making it worse.

Character Layers: Madeline

Secret Identity — has a lust-less marriage, has a bad relationship with her older daughter, is secretly jealous her ex and his wife are so happy
Character intrigue — jumps into any conflict with both feet even if it’s not hers to fight
Hidden relationships and conspiracies — secretly had an affair with the play director.
Hidden Character history — Cheated on her husband.

Assignment 2

List of possible Plot Layers:

1. Major scheme revealed — Randy wants Cara to move to the farm, user her powers to improve the farm and help it survive, and take care of him as his Alzheimer’s progresses.

2. Mystery Revealed — Why is Cara so reluctant? She says she’s not sure what Mindy was doing with her powers was ethical and doesn’t want to do unethical things

3. Thought the story was one thing, but it is another — Jim is furious all of the time for a number of reasons — he thought Mike still had feelings for Molly, but he was trying to get her to leave Jim for her own safety.

4. Hidden history — Mike and Molly dated through high school but broke up when he went off to school and she would’t come with him. She rebounded to Jim.

5. Hidden plan — Jim has always suspected that Mike and Molly produced his son who was born about 9 months after Mike had come home from college and broken up with Molly. His plan is to do in Mike and Mindy, claim their farm as his son’s heritage as well and farm all of the land with his son.

6. Major Betrayal — Jim’s surly son saw what Jim did to Mike and Mindy’s car and is not sure what to do about it since volatile Jim may kill him if he tells and what will become of his little brother who is the same age as the twins.

Plot Surface: Mike and Mindy have died in a car/train wreck at the same place that Jim’s wife committed suicide a six months before. Mindy, having a premonition that she and Mike were going to die, made out a new will for them which left her bestie Cara to take their place as a farmer, parent for their twins and, little did they know, a caregiver for Mike’s dad, Randy, who has found out he has early onset Alzheimer’s but has not told anyone. Mindy has been using her powers to help the farm out — influencing people to rent/sell to them, maximizing crops and milk yields, helping the kids through rough times, smoothing things over at meetings, influencing big Ag reps.

Layer 1: Cara is reluctant to use her powers because she’s not sure what Mindy was doing was ethical.

Layer 2: Cara loved Mike in college when they were freshmen and just friends (before he met Mindy), but while he was still dating Molly back home.

Layer 3: Cara has always said she was jealous of Mindy (her college friend who clicked with Mike just before he went home and broke up with Molly) and used to say she “wanted her life”, but never visited the farm because she didn’t want to meet Molly who Mindy was ambivalent about and she was afraid people would see that she still cared for Mike who generally didn’t hang out with Mindy and her when they were all in Chicago for vacations/holidays.

Layer 4: Randy knows a LOT more about Mindy and Cara’s relationship, interest in their powers and use of them, and Cara and Mike’s relationship as well as Mike and Molly’s relationship. He’s not telling, but he’s influencing Cara based on what he knows.

Layer 5: Cara wonders if she caused Mike and Mindy’s death since Mike wasn’t originally supposed to go with Mindy the night they died. Is she so powerful that she accidentally caused Mindy’s (and Mike’s) death?

Character Layers:

Cara:

Secret Identity — loves Mike. Has powers.
Character intrigue — helps the twins and others, the farm and herself using her powers by telling herself it is the equivalent of prayers
Hidden relationships and conspiracies — secretly loved Mike and envied Mindy. Knew about all of the times Mindy used her powers and sometimes helped her.
Hidden Character history — Always jealous of Mindy since they were little kids. Wasn’t willing to introduce Mike to her until after he had broken up with Molly. Then, he was immediately romantically attracted to Mindy and left Cara in the dust.

2. Randy:

1. Secret Identity: Failing old man at a young age.

2. Character intrigue: Knows how much Mindy helped with her powers and pushes Cara to continue. Knows about Mike and Molly.

3. Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Buddies with Jim’s oldest son since he was little since he was around when Mike and Jim were working. Has a rapport and has his suspicions about his pedigree

4. Hidden Character history: Cheated Molly’s dad (Molly had the land, not Jim) when they were young so always felt somehow responsible for Molly not becoming his d-i-l to make up for it.

3. Mindy:

1. Secret Identity: Family puppet master

2. Character Intrigue: Deliberately kept Mike and Cara apart all those years out of jealousy.

3. Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Was Molly’s confidante about Jim’s abuse of Molly and her oldest son. Spied on the kids to gain info. Used her powers to keep Molly safe and empower her where possible, but it wasn’t enough. The land was hers and she had no skills and nowhere to go.

4. Hidden Character history: Knew Cara was in love with Mike before she met him, but “couldn’t help herself” and threw herself at him, doing whatever she could to make him love her. Encouraged Cara to join her for classes in hopes of helping her find her prince charming so she could come clean about stealing Mike.

4. Mike:

1. Secret Identity: WYSIWYG — loved first Molly, then Cara and then was dazzled and fell in love with Mindy. Wanted to be her superhero

2. Character Intrigue: Still loved Molly as a friend and wanted to help her get out of a bad situation with her kids. Didn’t really understand what had happened to his friendship with Cara. He’d missed her a lot and didn’t understand why they couldn’t spend more time together in Chicago and why she never came to the farm. She had been so interested when they had talked when he first got to college.

3. Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Tried to help Jim’s oldest to find a way to “get around” Jim when he was angry. Talked to Molly more than Mindy knew because she needed help.

4. Hidden Character history: Loved Molly, but then fell in love with Cara at college. As soon as he broke up with Molly, Cara introduced him to Mindy and he thought she was dumping him on her friend. Had no idea she was just introducing him to one of the most important people in her life, not pawning him off on her. Was always hurt that Cara had rejected him and shied away from him as soon as he started dating Mindy.

5. Jim:

1. Secret Identity: Green with envy about everything. His dad had not expanded at the time everyone else was making the In/Out decision in farming. He married Molly to get her land and didn’t care that she was on the rebound from his buddy Mike.

2. Character Intrigue: Has always seen a continuing relationship between Mike and Molly as love, not lifelong friendship and has always been jealous and determined to break it up.

3. Hidden relationships and conspiracies: As a kid, he hung out at Mike’s a lot as his own dad was a drunk or depressed — depressed is less obvious — and he still goes to Randy for advice on a lot of things. Randy encouraged him to marry Molly who was heartbroken over Mike when Randy found out Mike was dating someone else — Cara, he assumed.

4. Hidden Character History: killed Molly by accident — but driving after her. Killed Mike and Mindy deliberately.

Cara:

Character Surface: Misses her life in LA and her old job. Is trying to learn to be a mom, learn to run a farm household (yeah, farmwives are different than housewives) and learn to be a farmer.

Layer 1: Cara misses her bestie, Mindy, and wishes she could consult her at every turn, but finds that Mindy used her powers more than she let on to Cara.

Layer 2: Finds out from Randy that Mike had really liked her (Cara) and was sorry not to be able to talk to her more at holidays in Chicago because Mindy was jealous.

Layer 3: Begins to wonder if Mindy had something to do with Molly’s suicide since Mindy had expressed concern about the number of times she sought out Mike.

Layer 4: Wonders how much of the farm’s prosperity is due to good farming vs. powers (hers and Mindy’s)

Layer 5: Feels extremely guilty that she may have caused Mike and Molly’s death with her powers. Can she really continue to use them?

Randy:

Character Surface: 60+ yo farmer who runs his $60M operation with kindness and enjoys teaching Cara and the twins the farming business. Misses his son and Mindy terribly.

Layer 1: Has Alzheimer’s and hasn’t told anyone yet.

Layer 2: Imagines that Mindy knew and that is why she convinced Mike to put Cara in charge if anything happened to them.

Layer 3: Can see that he is slipping and feels he must convince Cara to use her powers and to become a farmer at heart.

Layer 4: Believes that Mike would have been better off with Cara than with Mindy or Molly and sees why he always craved her company.

Layer 5: Fears he is losing it and knows that he is losing capabilities as the months/years roll on. Is petrified.

Mindy:

Character Surface: Great mom, loving wife, good d-i-l, neighbor, member of the church and community. Good friend to Cara. Loves parapsychology techniques and practices good self-care.

Layer 1: Wonders if Jim is mistreating Molly. She is growing distant and disappears for days/weeks at a time from public view.

Layer 2: Begins to think Cara might like Mike a little too much and maneuvers to keep them apart. Somewhat discourages Cara from visiting the farm since it would be harder there than when they are both in Chicago visiting their parents.

Layer 3: Suspects Jim of bad behavior to his wife and his oldest son.

Layer 4: Uses her powers to get Jim’s youngest son to share what’s going on in the house with her and her twins.

Layer 5: Strongly suspects Jim of murdering Molly and making it look like a suicide.

Mike:

Character Surface: Molly was his first love in high school, but when he got to college, he talked a lot with Cara who became his best friend. Then he met her friend Mindy and was instantly and permanently in love with her.

Layer 1: Never suspected that Molly’s oldest was his. Never suspected that Cara cared about him.

Layer 2: Worried that Molly was being abused and tried to help her get the courage/wherewithal to escape from Jim.

Layer 3: Had known Molly all through school — were next door neighbors (next farm) as kids so he knew her writing style and sign-off on notes and the suicide note didn’t sound right. Plus, she hadn’t been suicidal when they spoke last.

Layer 4: Suspects Jim staged the suicide and has no way to prove it.

Layer 5: Thinks Jim realizes he is suspected and may take action. Approves having Cara take over if something happens to both of them.

Jim:

Character Surface: Deeply insecure after Mike and Mindy move to the farm after college, but loves Molly to distraction and is jealous. Has always suspected that his oldest son may be Mike’s, but has never let Molly know he suspects and until Mike moves back, is comfortable that he is the only dad the kid will ever know.

Layer 1: Molly expressed surprise to him that Mike was marrying Mindy, not Cara.

Layer 2: As Molly and Mindy grow closer, Jim thinks it is because Molly wants to be close to Mike or close to his new kids with Mindy — perhaps his oldest son’s half-siblings.

Layer 3: Jim’s jealousy, fueled by Molly’s help with getting farm land by sale or rent, makes him angry and he becomes drunk and abusive the worse it gets.

Layer 4: Jim sees Molly sneaking to Mindy and Mike’s and thinks it is to see Mike. It’s not. He takes it out on what he thinks is Mike’s son too.

Layer 5: He is chasing Molly when she runs into the train. She is so focused on him that she doesn’t even see it. He writes the suicide note on her computer.

Layer 6: When Mike and Mindy begin to suspect him and his oldest son becomes more withdrawn, Jim plots to kill Mike and Mindy and tinkers with the brake line on their vehicle and his oldest son sees him do it.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Big Picture Open Loops

What I learned doing this assignment is that the more questions I ask, the more Open Loops I see are available to me. I’ll definitely need to write them down, plot them on a timeline and mete them out episode by episode.

Assignment 1: Big Little Lies

Big Picture Open Loops in 1st season:

1. Who was killed? <div>

2. Will Celeste get away from her abusive husband?

3. Will Jane kill someone or get revenge on them?
Will Renata crush Madeline?

At the end of season 1, we find out who was killed and how it happened.

Season 2 Big Picture Open Loops:

1. Will Celeste’s mother-in-law figure out how her son was really killed? </div><div>

2. Will the MIL turn the kids against their mother?
Will she tell Ziggy that her son was his father and try to take him from Jane?

3. Will Renata (and her marriage) survive the loss of her money?

4. Will Bonnie’s mom wake up and tell people what Bonnie confessed?
Will Bonnie confess to the police?

They had enough open questions for a third season, but wrapped all but one up at the end of Season 2. Open questions were: What happened when they all 5 went to the police to confess what really happened? How many will go to jail for perjury? Will Renata get her money back? How will Ziggy and his new brothers work as a family?

Assignment 2:

Big Picture Open Loops for “The Last Eden” — possible title for my series

Goals:

Cara had a life in LA. Will she be satisfied in Iowa as a farmer? Will there be enough of a challenge?
Will Jim get Mike and Mindy’s farm or will Cara and Randy be able to hang onto it for the kids?

Consequences:

1. Will Jim get caught for his role in Molly’s death? In Mindy and Mike’s? </div><div>

2. Can Cara learn to be a modern farmer? Can she handle the equipment, finances and risks? Will it be a good year for crops? If not, how will they keep the farm?

Solving Problems:

1. Will Randy convince Cara to use her parapsychology techniques to save the farm? Mend relationships? Convince others to give them “good deals”? </div><div>

2. Will Cara be able to adapt to not having a full time office job after 20 years of it to learn to be a self-starting farmer?

3. Will Mindy’s use of parapsychology techniques mandate that Cara use them to continue the farm’s prosperity? What if they were unethical?

Relationships

1. Will Cara be a good parent to the twins? Will they accept her? </div><div>

2. How will Randy and Cara’s relationships change over time as her knowledge grows and his Alzheimer’s gets worse?

3. Will Jim kill his oldest son before he can say what he saw happen to Mike and Mindy’s car? 4. Will Jim’s youngest son gravitate to Cara the way he had to Mike and Mindy before their death?

5. Is Jim’s oldest son really Mike’s kid as Jim suspects? What does that mean to Mike’s farm?

Danger/Survival/Risks

1. Will Jim end up killing Cara too? </div>

2. Did Jim cause Molly’s death and make it look like suicide? Do either of the kids know?

3. If Cara uses her techniques, will it be ethical? Will it work if she’s concerned about the ethics of it? Will someone catch her doing it and make it public?

4. Will the farm survive? Weather? Business relationships? Big Ag threats?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE Cycle 6 Scene – Second Draft

LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus’ game of mouse finally ends with a question.

ESSENCE: Carley, tired of the cat and mouse, asks Marcus to marry her.

SCENE:

INT. BUSINESS HAPPY HOUR – EVENING

CARLEY, late-20’s business woman, chats with DARIUS, a good looking businessman in his 30’s.

MARCUS, late-20’s in business casual, leans on the bar and watches Carley intently.

Carley surreptitiously glances alternately over at Marcus and another businessman, AARON, who is talking to a group of women.

CARLEY
I’m so glad we’ll be doing business together.

Darius maneuvers a bit so he is in between Carley and the other men to block her view of them.

DARIUS (making the double entendre obvious)

I hope we’ll have more productive meetings like today’s.

Carley peeks over Darius’ shoulder to see Marcus shake his head in mock disbelief/disgust and exit the bar room. She touches Darius’ arm to soften her rejection.

CARLEY
Darius, I need to speak to someone before they get away. We’ll talk tomorrow, right?

Carley smiles up at Darius who recognizes the brushoff and turns away. Marcus looks back in time to see the touch on the arm and the smile, but turns back around quickly and heads outside.

She is stopped midway to the door by Aaron.

AARON
Carley, can we speak for a moment?

Carley steps over to Aaron and the group of women, glancing back at the door often.

EXT. BUILDING TERRACE – LATER
CARLEY follows MARCUS out to the herb terrace.

CARLEY Marcus, wait up.

Marcus turns, pulling himself up into his power stature, defensive, really.

MARCUS
Why are you out here. I thought you were part of Aaron’s harem.

Carley softens and approaches him with a smile, reaching out to touch his arm as she draws near.

CARLEY
If you’d come to talk to me when Darius had me trapped it would have really helped.

(suddenly tough)
But like usual, you left.

Marcus looks befuddled, turns as if to go and then turns back. Carley and Marcus hold each other’s gaze for a long beat.

MARCUS
You weren’t trying to make Aaron jealous by flirting with Darius?

Carley looks surprised at first, then angry. She responds with curt politeness.

CARLEY

No.

MARCUS
Or enjoying the attention?

Carley frowns, considers a minute.

CARLEY
Not from him. I’d rather have attention from another man who would never consider someone like me, apparently.

Marcus, seeing a thread to tug on, is in command again.

MARCUS
Who’s attention do you want? Who’s the mystery man?

Carley looks a little flustered. Embarrassed for a moment, then goes back to cold and polite.

CARLEY
It’s kind of cool out here.

She hugs herself as though cold and turns to go back in.

Marcus looks thoughtful, then heaves a sigh, straightens and goes back to his commanding self.

He turns her around, putting his hands on her shoulders.

MARCUS
You don’t feel cold. You’re not shaking.

Carley shrugs off his hands.

CARLEY (coldly)

I don’t have to shiver to be cold.

MARCUS (apologetic)

Of course not.
Carley pulls away, hesitates, made shy by his tenderness.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
Do you want to go back in? Is the man you want inside?

Carley looks away, fondling a leaf of basil in a nearby pot, a slight smile coming to her lips.

CARLEY
If you want to leave things like this between us, then I’ll go in. Is that what you want?

MARCUS No, it’s not.

Carley turns to him, looking him full in the face with trust in her eyes.

CARLEY Then what do you want?

Marcus sees Aaron come outside and look around the terrace, apparently looking for Carley. Marcus pulls Carley to him and kisses her.

Aaron turns in despair and goes back inside. Marcus releases Carley who is smiling blissfully.

MARCUS
Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.

CARLEY (confused)

Then why did you?

Marcus looks at the door where Aaron has retreated.

MARCUS (apologetically)

I don’t know. It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment.

Carley looks stricken and responds with cold politeness.

CARLEY
This was only momentary.

(turns from tender to tough)

I see.

Marcus still has his arms around Carley, holding her loosely. She looks down and away in discomfort.

Having steeled herself, she quickly kisses Marcus on the cheek and pulls away to go back in.

CARLEY (CONT’D)
It’s cold out here. I don’t want you to get sick. Marcus quickly pulls her back.

MARCUS (commanding)

That wasn’t a proper kiss. (gently)

We should kiss properly — just once. Carley is wary, confused, evasive.

Why?

CARLEY

MARCUS
To see if maybe Aaron and your mystery man aren’t the ones for you. (apologetically, gently)

Maybe I am. To see if our words and our lips —

Marcus kisses her quickly, but gently.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
— And our bodies should be together. To see if you want more of me than you want Darius or Aaron.

Carley, shocked and looking for an escape, puts her hands on his chest to keep him at a distance and ponders. She fingers a button on his shirt.

CARLEY
You have a loose button. I can fix that tomorrow.

Marcus is silent, looking content. Carley looks up for his reaction. He returns to command mode.

MARCUS
Tomorrow will be fine. Tonight, however.

He stops when she looks down, away, anywhere but at him. He backs up, again unsure of his stand with her and apologetic again.

She looks up at him, prepares to speak and finally does.

CARLEY Will you marry me?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE Cycle 6 Scene – First Draft

LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus’ game of cat and mouse finally ends with a question.

ESSENCE: Carley, tired of the cat and mouse, asks Marcus to marry her.

SCENE:

INT. BUSINESS HAPPY HOUR – EVENING

CARLEY, late-20’s business woman, chats with DARIUS, a good looking businessman in his 30’s.

MARCUS, late-20’s in business casual, leans on the bar and watches Carley intently.

Carley surreptitiously glances alternately over at Marcus and another businessman, AARON, who is talking to a group of women.

CARLEY
I’m so glad we’ll be doing business together.

Darius maneuvers a bit so he is in between Carley and the other men to block her view of them.

DARIUS (making the double entendre obvious)

I hope we’ll have more productive meetings like today’s.

Carley peeks over Darius’ shoulder to see Andrew shake his head in mock disbelief/disgust and exit the bar room. She touches Darius’ arm to soften her rejection.

CARLEY
Darius, I need to speak to someone before they get away. We’ll talk tomorrow, right?

Carley smiles up at Darius who recognizes the brushoff and turns away. Andrew looks back in time to see the touch on the arm and the smile, but turns back around quickly and heads outside.

She is stopped midway to the door by Aaron.

AARON
Carley, can we speak for a moment?

Carley steps over to Aaron and the group of women, glancing back at the door often.

EXT. BUILDING TERRACE – LATER
CARLEY follows MARCUS out to the herb terrace.

CARLEY Marcus, wait up.

Marcus turns, pulling himself up into his power stature, defensive, really.

MARCUS
Why are you out here. I thought you were part of Aaron’s harem.

Carley softens and approaches him with a smile, reaching out to touch his arm as she draws near.

CARLEY
If you’d come to talk to me when Darius had me trapped it would have really helped.

(suddenly tough)
But like usual, you left.

Marcus looks befuddled, turns as if to go and then turns back. Carley and Marcus hold each other’s gaze for a long beat.

MARCUS
You weren’t trying to make Aaron jealous by flirting with Darius?

Carley looks surprised at first, then angry. She responds with curt politeness.

CARLEY

No.

MARCUS
Or enjoying the attention?

Carley frowns, considers a minute.

CARLEY
Not from him. I’d rather have attention from another man who would never consider someone like me, apparently.

Marcus is in command again.

MARCUS
Who’s attention do you want? Who’s the mystery man?

Carley looks a little flustered. Embarrassed for a moment, she goes back to cold and polite.

CARLEY
It’s kind of cool out here.

She hugs herself as though cold and turns to go back in.

Marcus looks thoughtful, then heaves a sigh, straightens and goes back to his commanding self.

He puts his hands on her shoulders.

MARCUS
You don’t feel cold. You’re not shaking.

Carley shrugs off his hands.

CARLEY
I don’t have to shiver to be cold.

MARCUS (apologetic)

Of course not.

Carley pulls away, made shy by his tenderness.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
Do you want to go back in? Is the man you want inside?

Carley looks away, fondling a leaf of basil in a nearby pot.

CARLEY
If you want to leave things like this between us, then I’ll go in. Is that what you want?

MARCUS No, it’s not.

Carley turns to him, looking him full in the face with trust in her eyes.

CARLEY Then what do you want?

Marcus sees Aaron come outside and look around the terrace, apparently looking for Carley. Marcus pulls Carley to him and kisses her.

Aaron turns in despair and goes back inside.

MARCUS
Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.

CARLEY (confused)

Then why did you?

Marcus looks at the door where Aaron has retreated.

MARCUS
I don’t know. It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment.

Carley looks stricken and responds with cold politeness.

CARLEY
This was only momentary.

(turns from tender to tough)

I see.

Marcus still has his arms around Carley, holding her loosely. She looks down and away in discomfort.

Having steeled herself, she quickly kisses Marcus on the cheek and pulls away to go back in.

CARLEY (CONT’D)
It’s cold out here. I don’t want you to get sick. Marcus quickly pulls her back.

MARCUS
That wasn’t a proper kiss. We should kiss properly — just once. Carley is wary, confused, evasive.

CARLEY

Why?

MARCUS
To see if maybe Aaron and your mystery man aren’t the ones for you. (apologetically)

Maybe I am. To see if our words and our lips —

Marcus kisses her quickly, but gently.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
— And our bodies should be together. To see if you want more of me than you want Darius or Aaron.

Carley, shocked and looking for an escape, puts her hands on his chest to keep him at a distance and ponders. She fingers a button on his shirt.

CARLEY
You have a loose button. I can fix that tomorrow.

Marcus is silent, looking content. Carley looks up for his reaction. He returns to command mode.

MARCUS
Tomorrow will be fine. Tonight, however.

He stops when she looks down, away, anywhere but at him. He backs up, unsure of his stand with her and apologetic again.

She looks up at him, prepares to speak and finally does.

CARLEY Will you marry me?

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Mysteries: Assignments 1 & 2

What I learned doing this assignment is more details emerge as I answer these questions and vague ideas for suspense and cliffhangers and clues become lists of things I have to weave into the episodes of the show.

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies Mysteries

Big Picture Mysteries:

1. Who is Ziggy’s father? (Jane’s rapist)

2. Will Jane kill him when she finds out who he is?

3. Who was killed at the school event and why and by whom?

Smaller Mysteries:

1. Who attacked Annabelle?

2. Why is Jane so secretive?

3. Why is Madeline so jealous of Bonnie?

4. Why is Madeline so set on doing the play the committee thinks is “not for kids”?

Assignment 2 — My Binge Worthy show

Mystery 1 — Shocking Event Mystery

A. Shocking Event: Molly dies in a pickup/train crash believed to be a suicide

B. Secret: She was leaving her abusive husband and he was chasing her and she was petrified and didn’t see the train.

C. Investigation: They found the note, typed up on her computer in one of her files, under her user ID. It was up on the screen when the investigators got to the house. No tracks indicating she was trying to slow down. Terrible accident that was found to be a suicide.

D. Investigation:

Who was killed: Molly, Jim’s husband, friend of Mike and Mindy’s

What: was she doing? Trying to escape from her abusive husband — she had planned to leave him and was heading away when she hit the train

When: 6 months before the show starts

Where: On a road leading from the Jim and Mike’s farms to town

How: Her car, no sign of braking, rammed into the side of a train engine at high speed.

Who did it? Her husband was chasing her and she knew he would kill her if he caught her so she was so focused on him that she didn’t see the train.

Why did he do it? Because she was leaving him and he thought it was for Mike who had been her high school boyfriend and who had been talking to her a lot lately — to try to talk her into leaving Jim, not an affair.

E. Part Withheld: Jim typed up the suicide note after the death, had known she was planning to leave him and had made her private files accessible to him so he could see what she was up to.

Mystery 2: Over Time Mystery:

Cover up: Cara doesn’t tell anyone that she thinks her Silva work may have caused them to crash — she wanted Mindy’s life and had been in love with Mike in college before he met Mindy and fell head over heels. She doesn’t tell anyone. Jim doesn’t tell anyone that he had drained their brake by hitting it from underneath with a rock so it will look like an accident if anyone figures out there was no brake fluid in the wreckage. <div>

Secret: 1. Cara was in love with Mike before he met Mindy. 2. Cara is reluctant to use her Silva because she knows it works — too well — or at least she is pretty sure that’s what happened to Mike and Mindy. 3. Jim’s son saw his dad messing with the car, but doesn’t say anything.

Reveals:

1. Cara tells her work friend about her Mike/Mindy history before she gets the news of their death and the friend remembered and asks “Isn’t that the one….”.

2. Jim’s son is very troubled and finally confronts his dad at the end of the season. — cliffhanger.

3. Mike told Randy that the reason Cara never came to the farm was because he had told her so much about his relationship with Molly when they had hung out that first semester — before he met Mindy. He had never dated Cara — well, he didn’t think they were dates.

4. Jim’s son gives his little brother an envelope to hide that explains what he saw in case his dad kills him.

5. Jim has always suspected he might be Mike’s son because Molly rebounded to him so quickly after the formal breakup.

6. Mike had always been nice to the kid because Jim was so mean to him, not because it was his kid.

Investigation:

Who: Mike and Mindy are killed

What: They run into a train without even trying to stop — or so it looks — no skid marks

When: The opening scene of the show, but after feeling something bad will happen in Mindy’s Silva work..

Where: The same crossing where Molly died

Parts Withheld:

How: Broke the brake line so it would look like natural damage, not sabotage

Why: Because Jim is insane with hate, jealousy and grief

Who did it: Jim

Also withheld:

Jim’s handiwork

Jim’s son seeing it

Jim’s reasons for treating his older son so badly

Jim’s accusations to Mike and Mindy about their role in Molly’s death

Jim’s growing anger since Molly’s death

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Empathy/Distress

What I learned doing this assignment is that by defining my characters and setting up their trait conflicts, I had already thought of many of these empathy/distress situations. By enumerating them, I can ensure that they are used season by season and episode by episode. The lists become something of a quality checklist.

Assignment 1 — Big Little Lies

Examples of Empathy/Distress

Madeline’s past affair with the play director <div>

Celeste’s on-going struggle to go/stay with her abusive husband <div>

Jane’s son (Ziggy) accused of abusing a girl in his class
Madeline’s jealousy of her ex’s new wife (Bonnie)

Madeline’s troubled/rebellious daughter and their deteriorating relationship

Celeste’s relationship with her therapist who is urging her to leave her husband and giving her information even though she isn’t ready to take it.

<div>

Assignment 2 – My Show

Big Picture Empathy/Distress Situations </div><div>

1. Undeserved misfortune

A. Mike and Mindy die leaving Randy and the twins bereft and giving Cara a new obligation in life

B. Randy is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s

2. External Character Conflicts

A. The twins act out in grief

B. Jim tries to get the farm from Randy and Cara

C. The Alaska brothers try to get the farm from Cara

3. Plot intruding on life

A. Cara has to fit into the farmhouse and routine and learn about farming

B. Cara has to learn how farm communities work whether it’s school, church, business or the ag supply chain

4. Moral dilemmas

A. Randy wants Cara to use parapsychology techniques to help the farm perform, help them win land that is coming up for rent or sale, help the twins do better at everything and Cara wonders if Mindy had been ethical in her use of these techniques and if she can ethically do the same things Mindy did to save the farm for Mindy’s kids.

B. Cara agrees with Randy that Mindy and Mike didn’t want their Alaska brothers to raise the kids or come back to the farm, but she worries that her ineptitude is greater than theirs would be and she is short-changing the kids by not giving them more access to their uncles and cousins.

5. Forced decisions they’d never make

A. As Randy’s health and mind deteriorate, Cara must contradict him when he’s not thinking clearly, stop him from doing certain activities for health and safety reasons and try to understand his anger and frustration, always with the fear that he will kill himself out of despair which would be another huge loss for the kids. Each decision is weighed to balance Randy’s health, safety and self-respect against the needs of the farm and needs of the kids and Cara’s own need of counsel and support from Randy.

B. Cara uses parapsychology techniques to ease the pain of loss for the family, but wonders if using it to prolong Randy’s life is ethical or if she should use it to make his transition swift and as painless as possible.

</div></div> </div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Relationship Map — Assignment 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that these relationships are starting to get so complicated that I can’t keep track. I will be using these and the previous character-related notes a LOT in future lessons. Also, if there is a trick to getting WordPress to allow tables to be included in replies, that trick should be shared in the intro to each class.

Cara’s Relationship Map:

Surface:

Randy: Mutual grief for Mike and Mindy and love of the twins. Cordial and caring

Mindy: Best friend and confidant, open and honest about everything

Mike: Mutual love for Mindy and her happiness

Jim: Do not know each other initially, but then are both cool and reserved because there is suspicion on both sides

Common Ground:

Randy: Love for the twins, obligation to carry out Mike and Mindy’s wishes

Mindy: Love for learning about parapsychology techniques, love for Mike and the twins

Mike: Love for Mindy and the twins

Jim: Do not know each other initially, but then fight big ag companies, fight for the school,

Conflict:

Randy: Use of parapsychology to help the farm succeed

Mindy: Use and ethics of using parapsychology to help the farm

Mike: Minimal

Jim: Do not know each other initially, but then are fighting for the same land/rental opportunities and there is residual distrust about his wife’s and Mindy/Mike’s deaths

History:

Randy: They heard about each other for years before they met and it was usually good or minor frustrations

Mindy: Best friends since daycare

Mike: Good friends since college

Jim: None to begin.

Subtext:

Randy: Are we really working for the same things? Are our motives/ethics the same?

Mindy: Play devil’s advocate for each other, but always support the decisions of one another.

Mike: Both love Mindy and that will have to be enough. Mike doesn’t know that Cara had/has the hots for him, but now he’s gone anyway.

Jim: Are they going to remain frenemies?

Relationship Arc:

Randy: They move from grieving over Mike and Mindy to wanting what’s best for the twins to haggling over the use of parapsychology to mutual regard with good-natured banter to fear of Randy’s deteriorating mind and greater dependency later in the series.

Mindy: She’s dead, so there’s that. Cara begins to more fully understand and use all that Mindy has told her of her family, neighbors, community and norms over the years.

Mike: He’s dead, too. Cara begins to see how dependent he was on Mindy and to question his relationship with Jim’s wife in high school and in the years leading up to her suicide. She thinks of him a little differently.

Jim: Jim is usually trying to get Cara to leave the farm so he can be Randy’s new “Mike”. Eventually, since she is staying, he decides he should pursue her to unite the farms via marriage.

Randy’s Relationship Map:

Surface:

Mindy: Mutual respect and shared goals, kindness and empathy

Mike: Strong familial love and, with the Alzheimer’s diagnosis, a haunting sense that Randy will become very dependent on his son.

Jim: Lifetime friends and competitors, always cordial these days although wary about whether they are helping each other or competing at any point in time.

Common Ground:

Mindy: The good of the farm and the twins, the need to use Mindy’s parapsychology to aid the farm/business

Mike: The legacy of the farm

Jim: Wary of his intentions and his temper

Conflict:

Mindy: Use of parapsychology where it is borderline unethical

Mike: “Modern farming upgrades” vs. status quo. Typical father/son conflicts

Jim: Senses that Jim is treating his wife badly and wants to do something but doesn’t want to provoke his temper out of fear of his physical prowess over Randy

History:

Mindy: Mindy proved herself a true farmwife in her early years on the far, won Randy’s wife over and Randy as well. She’s a keeper. He feels the same with a lot of empathy for Randy when he lost his wife.

Mike: Typical father/son stuff — them against the world, although they often fought over who would have a better chance of getting the rental or purchase of a piece of land when it became available.

Jim: Knew Jim as a short-tempered boy and saw his violence increase over time and that has made him wary.

Subtext:

Mindy: Randy wonders if Mindy will take good care of him as the Alzheimer’s progresses or if he will alienate her as his mind deteriorates.

Mike: Will Mike be able to carry on the farm — did he know about the Alzheimer’s and has he instilled the value of the family farm in the twins yet?

Jim: Randy’s parental-equivalent power over Jim is fading and both know it.

Relationship Arc:

Mindy: She’s dead, so…

Mike: He’s dead, so…

Jim: The relationship becomes more adversarial as more evidence of his role in his wife’s and Mike and Mindy’s deaths come into play during the season. There is great suspicion by the end as Jim begins to wonder just a tad about Randy’s memory occasional lapses.

Mindy’s Relationship Map:

Surface:

Mike: Through flashback, we see Mike and Mindy fall in love and remain strongly so through thick and thin.

Jim: Through flashback, we see Mindy become more afraid of Mike’s temper with his wife and eventually his threatening looks toward her.

Common Ground:

Mike: Their mutual love of the farm, the business, Randy and the twins.

Jim: Their fight against big ag, weather-related hardships, love for their kids.

Conflict:

Mike: Use of parapsychology techniques when she and Cara have decided it would be unethical.

Jim: Jim’s treatment of his wife and the times his wife sought solace with Mike and Mindy

History:

Mike: From college forward, a clear couple.

Jim: From her first visits to the farm, Jim was a part of the social circle although much less so once his wife died (or committed suicide as they believe)

Subtext:

Mike: She is the love of his life and his moral compass and his everything.

Jim: They are wary of each other as Jim thinks his wife has talked to her about the abuse and she feels he knows it and that puts her in danger.

Relationship Arc:

Mike: They’re both dead, so…it’s however we reveal their attraction and the few things they disagreed on, their joys and disappointments

Jim: The initial friendship during Mike and Mindy’s courtship unwinds as Jim’s jealousy grows and so does his viciousness as revealed by his wife, the kids and observation.

Mike’s Relationship Map:

Surface:

Jim: Life long friend and competitor and finally, a withdrawal by both as they suspect him of his wife’s abuse/death.

Common Ground:

Jim: Both are farm kids who were lucky enough to get to farm with their folks and marry women they loved and have great kids.

Conflict:

Jim: Jim grows more bitter and angry as his personality and business decisions have his farm falling behind Mike’s in size and success.

History:

Jim: Lifelong neighbors, schoolmates, sports mates, etc.

Subtext:

Jim: Jim feels he never quite measures up to Mike since he’s always 2nd to Mike’s first in everything.

Relationship Arc:

Jim: Their relationship unwinds as Jim suspects Mike is having an affair with his wife, knows that he had a hand in her death and suspects that Jim might try to cover up that knowledge by killing them.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE Cycle #5 Second Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that I find it very difficult to “rewrite in” the interest techniques and traits. (Subtext is easier for me). I do a lot of “prewriting” before I draft a scene. I need to note which traits will show up in which snippets of dialogue/action so when I write them, I put them in from the beginning. Even if I have to enhance them in rewrites, it’s easier if I planned to have them there from the beginning.

LOGLINE: A nanny to a wealthy tween tries to keep the boy from being arrested for shoplifting even though he did it. The boy, vengeful because she made him give the item back, tells the police that she molested him.

ESSENCE: Tweens are vicious and vengeful.

INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – DAY

PHILLIP, a 12-yo boy in expensive clothes looks at jewelry in an upscale vintage jewelry shop.

BRANDY, his hot, 24-yo nanny has been with his family since she was an undergrad.

Phillip nudges Brandy and shows her a gaudy necklace.

BRANDY
That is gorgeous. Your mom has great

taste and I’m sure she’d love it for her birthday next week.

PHILLIP Do you like it?

The STORE MANAGER watches them closely.

BRANDY
I love it. What classy lady wouldn’t?

Brandy looks away and mock gags. Phillip slips the necklace into his jacket pocket.

They put some of the most outrageous hats on each other, laughing, obviously comfortable together. Then hang up the last of the hats.

BRANDY (CONT’D) Let’s go. I know a better place.

EXT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

PHILLIP furtively glances down as he twiddles something in his jacket pocket.

BRANDY What is that?

Phillip pulls out the necklace with a flourish.

PHILLIP You said you liked it.

BRANDY
I do, but you have to go back in and

pay for it or give it back.

PHILLIP
It’s only $80. He won’t miss it.

They hear sirens approaching from a distance.

BRANDY
We have to go back in now, young man, and you will confess and pay for this immediately.

They stare into each other’s eyes in a showdown as the sirens draw closer.

Phillip heaves a sigh and they head back inside. INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

STORE OWNER
I’ve already called the police. I saw you steal the necklace.

BRANDY nudges PHILLIP who hands over a $100 dollar bill.

PHILLIP (dejected)

I’ll pay for it. Sorry. The police pull up outside the shop.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – LATER

BRANDY sits at the table while a stern looking SERGEANT interrogates her.

BRANDY (brightly)

This is all a simple mistake. My employers are very prominent people. He can afford the necklace. We were joking around and he probably slipped it in his pocket the way we all pocket our phones when we need a free hand.

SERGEANT
Did you see him pocket the necklace?

BRANDY (still brightly)

No, of course not, or I would have insisted he pay for it. It was an accident.

SERGEANT
The manager has it on video.

He pays a short video from a security camera that shows Phillip checking to be sure no one is watching before pocketing the necklace.

2.

SERGEANT (CONT’D) Why do you think he stole it? A

dare? A bet?

BRANDY (faltering)

He simply forgot to pay. I hope you won’t charge him with theft. His parents will blame me and I need this job.

The sergeant grunts to signify her needs are irrelevant.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
I realize he needs to be punished or this kind of behavior will escalate, but he’s only twelve. He’ll be punished enough to ensure he never does anything like this again.

The sergeant stands to leave the room.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM 2 – DAY
A SECOND SERGEANT is interviewing PHILLIP.

SECOND SERGEANT
So how do you think the necklace got in your pocket?

PHILLIP
I probably dumped it in my pocket when I put my phone in to free up my hands to try on hats. Ask Brandy.

The sergeant looks irked.

SECOND SERGEANT

Show me your phone.

Phillip automatically leans forward to pull his phone out of his back pocket.

The sergeant gives him a deadpan stare. Phillip looks guilty and immediately slips the phone into his jacket pocket.

PHILLIP (whiny)

I didn’t steal the necklace. I slipped it in my pocket by accident. Can I please go home now? I have a lot of homework.

SECOND SERGEANT
This isn’t going to go away. What do you think we should do?

PHILLIP
My folks are definitely going to fire Brandy. (beat) That’s probably a good thing.

SECOND SERGEANT

Why?

Phillip looks frightened and trapped for a moment and then sneers slightly and becomes more confident.

PHILLIP Because I took it for her.

SECOND SERGEANT

Explain.

There is an awkward silence and the sergeant’s posture and expression conveys his conviction that Phillip will lie.

PHILLIP
She asked me to get her a necklace.

She knows I don’t have that kind of money, but we’re having sex and girls like presents.

SECOND SERGEANT You’re having sex? With Brandy?

That’s surprising.

PHILLIP
Why? She’s been my nanny for five years. She was still giving me my bedtime baths when she started.

The sergeant looks skeptical.

PHILLIP (CONT’D) (defensively)

She liked what she saw.
INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

SERGEANT
Are you and Phillip close?

BRANDY
Yes. I’ve been his nanny for five years.

SERGEANT
Are you having sex with him?

Brandy is flabbergasted.

BRANDY
Of course not! I have a boyfriend.

SERGEANT
He says you’re having sex.

Brandy considers that a beat.

BRANDY
Why would he make up something that absurd?

SERGEANT You said you were close.

BRANDY Not like that!

INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

The SERGEANT, SECOND SERGEANT and a POLICE CAPTAIN are confabbing in the hallway.

SERGEANT
Do we arrest him for theft? Her for sexual assault of a child? Both of them? Neither?

POLICE CAPTAIN

Phillip’s parents are rich. The lawyers will have both of them deny it and without any physical proof, the case won’t make it to trial.

SECOND SERGEANT
But what if it’s sexual assault?

POLICE CAPTAIN
Still won’t make it to trial. Was the property returned? The sergeants nod.

POLICE CAPTAIN (CONT’D) Then it seems no one took anything from anyone.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Show Relationship Map – Assignment 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that the relationship map follows (or defines) the plot as it changes over time.

Big Little Lies Relationship Map

Madeline’s Relationship Map

Surface:

Renata: Warm friends now that they’ve killed/covered up together

Celeste: Affectionate Friends

Jane: Affectionate friends in an older/younger sister way

Common Ground:

Renata: Shared secrets (Anabella’s bully and Perry’s death)

Celeste: Love for kids, shared secrets (bully, Perry and Madeline’s affair)

Jane: Love for kids, shared secrets (bully, Perry), mutual hate for Jane’s rapist

Conflict:

Renata: Money/Rich; Stay-at-home/working Moms;

Celeste: Get out/stay with Perry

Jane: Avoid/take revenge on her rapist

History:

Renata: Competitors for “best mom”, “most influential” at school

Celeste: For years, besties with Madeline always calmed/steadied by “perfect” Celeste

Jane: New friends, Madeline wants/tries to help Jane and Jane needs friends who won’t learn her secrets

Subtext:

Renata: Each thinks “I’m better than you” and “You have the perfect life”

Celeste: Madeline thinks Celeste has the perfect husband, family, life while Celeste thinks Madeline is too hot-headed and overboard with her opinions and involvement

Jane: Madeline thinks Jane needs guidance and friendship. Jane thinks Madeline will not like her if she finds the truth.

Relationship Arc:

Renata: From bitter enemies to close friends after the bullying is sorted and Perry’s death.

Celeste: Madeline goes from open to secretive to Celeste and Celeste does the opposite, sharing everything. Their secrets make them grow more co-dependent.

Jane: Madeline tries to help Jane, but Jane ends up more independent and a role model for Madeline.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE Cycle #5 First Draft

LOGLINE: A nanny to a wealthy tween tries to keep the boy from being arrested for shoplifting even though he did it. The boy, vengeful because she made him give the item back, tells the police that she molested him.

ESSENCE: Tweens are vicious and vengeful.

SCENE

INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – DAY

PHILLIP, a 12-yo boy in expensive clothes looks at jewelry in an upscale vintage jewelry shop.

BRANDY, his 24-yo nanny has been with his family since she was an undergrad.

Phillip nudges Brandy and shows her a beautiful necklace.

BRANDY
That is gorgeous. Your mom has great taste and I’m sure she’d love to get that for her birthday next week.

PHILLIP Do you like it?

The STORE MANAGER watches them closely.

BRANDY I love it.

Brandy looks for matching earrings holding them up to Phillip’s ears. They laugh, obviously comfortable together.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
I’ll look for earrings, you look for a bracelet.

Phillip slips the necklace into his jacket pocket and they eventually give up on finding matching earrings or a bracelet.

BRANDY (CONT’D) Let’s go. I know another place.

They leave the store.
EXT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

PHILLIP looks furtively down at his hand while he twiddles something in his jacket pocket.

BRANDY What is that?

Phillip pulls out the necklace.

PHILLIP You said you liked it.

BRANDY
I do. And your mother will love it, but you have to go back in and pay for it.

PHILLIP
It’s only $80. The guy will never miss it.

They hear sirens approaching from a distance.

BRANDY
We have to go back in now, young man, and you will confess and pay for this immediately.

They stare into each other’s eyes in a showdown as the sirens draw closer.

Phillip heaves a sigh and they head back inside.

INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

STORE OWNER
I’ve already called the police. I saw you steal the necklace. BRANDY nudges PHILLIP.

PHILLIP (feigning dejection)

I’ll pay for it. Sorry.

The police pull up outside the shop.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – LATER

BRANDY sits at the table while a stern looking SERGEANT interrogates her.

BRANDY (brightly)

This is all a simple mistake. My employers are very prominent people. He can afford the necklace. We were joking around and he probably slipped it in his pocket the way we all pocket our phones when we need a free hand.

SERGEANT
Did you see him pocket the necklace?

BRANDY (still brightly)

No, of course not, or I would have insisted he pay for it. It was an accident.

SERGEANT
The manager has it on video.

He pays a short video from a security camera that shows Phillip checking to be sure no one is watching before pocketing the necklace.

SERGEANT (CONT’D) Why do you think he stole it? A dare? A bet?

BRANDY (faltering)

I have no idea. I hope you won’t charge him with theft. His parents will blame me and I need this job.

The sergeant grunts to signify her needs are irrelevant.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
I realize he needs to be punished or this kind of behavior will escalate, but he’s only twelve. I think his parents will punish him enough to ensure he never does anything like this again.

The sergeant stands to leave the room.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM 2 – DAY
A SECOND SERGEANT is interviewing PHILLIP.

SECOND SERGEANT
So how do you think the necklace got in your pocket?

PHILLIP
I probably dumped it in my pocket when I put my phone in to free up my hands so I could check out some bracelets.

The sergeant looks irked.

SECOND SERGEANT Show me your phone.

Phillip automatically leans forward to pull his phone out of his back pocket.

The sergeant gives him a deadpan stare. Phillip looks guilty and immediately slips the phone into his jacket pocket.

PHILLIP (whiny)

I didn’t steal the necklace. I must have slipped it in my pocket by accident. Can I please go home now? I have a lot of homework.

SECOND SERGEANT
This isn’t going to go away. What do you think we should do?

PHILLIP
My folks are definitely going to fire Brandy. (beat)

That’s probably a good thing.

SECOND SERGEANT

Why?

Phillip looks frightened and trapped for a moment and then sneers slightly and becomes more confident.

PHILLIP Because I took it for her.

SECOND SERGEANT

Explain.

There is an awkward silence and the sergeant’s posture and expression belie his conviction that Phillip will lie.

PHILLIP
She asked me to get her a necklace. She knows I don’t have that kind of money, but we’re having sex and girls like presents.

SECOND SERGEANT You’re having sex? With Brandy? That’s surprising.

PHILLIP
Why? She’s been my nanny for five years. She was still giving me my bedtime baths when she started.

The sergeant looks skeptical.

PHILLIP (CONT’D) (defensively)

She liked what she saw.
INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

SERGEANT
Are you and Phillip close?

BRANDY
Yes. I’ve been his nanny for five years.

SERGEANT
Are you having sex with him?

Brandy is flabbergasted.

BRANDY
Of course not! I have a boyfriend.

SERGEANT
He says you’re having sex.

Brandy considers that a beat.

BRANDY
Why would he make up something so awful?

SERGEANT You said you were close.

BRANDY Not like that!

INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

The SERGEANT, SECOND SERGEANT and a POLICE CAPTAIN are confabbing in the hallway.

SERGEANT
Do we arrest him for theft? Her for sexual assault of a minor? Both of them? Neither?

POLICE CAPTAIN Phillip’s parents are rich. The parents will have both of them deny it and without any physical proof, the case won’t even make it to a grand jury.

SECOND SERGEANT
But what if it’s sexual assault?

POLICE CAPTAIN
It won’t matter. The kid’s parents are rich. Was the property returned?

The sergeants nod.

POLICE CAPTAIN (CONT’D) Then it seems no one took anything from anyone.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that brainstorming interest techniques for a scene before writing it makes the outline quick to do and the writing a breeze.

Logline: Jed stole Bob and Carol’s third kayak when they first moved to the lake. Now, Bob’s daughter, Mandy, is at the lake, vamping Jed until he buys a second kayak, sure he will have her use the one he took and they can just paddle away with it.

Interest Technique Ideas

Suspense — Will Jed figure out that Mandy is Bob and Carol’s daughter? <div>

Major Twist — Mandy realizes that the boat — Jed’s boat — wasn’t her old one

Surprise — Carol and Bob dump Jed out of his own boat “as a joke”

Put in a More Interesting Setting — Near a dam’s intake

Mislead/Reveal — Mandy pretends to simply be new at the lake, but when Bob and Carol approach, it is obvious she knows them.

Superior Position/Dramatic Irony — Bob and Carol had a plan and Jed, having not stolen their boat, gave them no reason to exact revenge on Jed.

Uncertainty — Hope/Fear — Mandy is unsure if she should just paddle away with Bob and Carol or stay to make sure Jed doesn’t drown

Intrigue — Who is Mandy? Why is she so enamored of kayaking and Jed?

Mystery — Why are Bob and Carol so angry with Jed even after they get the kayak back?

Cliffhanger — Will Jed be able to swim to shore or to his own drifting kayak? Will he get sucked into the dam intake?

Dilemma — Leave Jed behind or simply paddle away?
Something unseen — Mandy has fallen for Jed while spending time with him to get him to buy a kayak

Character

Character Changes Radically — Mandy has become enamored of Jed and feels sorry for him when they dump him out of his boat </div><div>

Betrayal — Mandy and Carol dump him out of his own boat

Dilemma — Mandy is torn about helping him back in his boat or leaving him adrift
Uncomfortable Moment — They see that the boat and Jed are drifting toward the dam intake

Misinterpretation — The color, brand and wear on the boat make it seem like it is Mandy’s, but when she gets in it, she realizes it isn’t.

Dialogue

Hook — Mandy says Jed finally bought his own boat so we can take ours back </div><div>

Predictions — Jed will let Mandy use the new one and they’ll dump him out of Mandy’s.

Creating a Future — Once they’ve dumped him out of Mandy’s, they’ll paddle a distance away and help Mandy get into her own boat, leaving Jed’s adrift for him to get

Anticipatory Dialogue — Jed can surely get into a kayak on his own. He always wears a life jacket as required by law.

EXT. DOCK ON A MANMADE LAKE – DAY

BOB and CAROL are getting into their kayaks while their college- aged daughter, MANDY, smiling, trots down to the dock to join them.

MANDY
Jed bought a boat so we could kayak together. I only wanted him to let me take my old boat out so I could get it back.

CAROL
It took half the summer to get a chance to use your own boat.

MANDY
But he was so sweet. He bought it so we could go out together. We’re taking it on its maiden voyage in a half hour. Well, we’re taking his new one and the one you say is mine.

Bob and Carol high five.

BOB
His old boat IS yours. Same color, same brand, same wear and tear.

CAROL
That no-good scoundrel stole if from our dock a month ago.

BOB
Today’s the day we get it back.

CAROL
He hasn’t figured out yet that you’re our daughter, has he?

MANDY
I don’t think so. I hope he wants to paddle the new boat. Then all I’ll have to do is paddle mine home. Simple. Easy.

BOB
If he pushes you to use the new one, that’s fine. We’ll just tip him out of yours, drag it out of his swimming range, raft up and you can switch boats. Then we just push his boat in his direction and paddle away.

CAROL
Jed can get into a kayak on his own, can’t he, honey?

MANDY
I think so. Most guys can. He always wears a PFD, so he’ll be able to swim back to shore towing the boat.

BOB
Okay, sweetie. We’ll all paddle toward the dam and we’ll just happen to bump into you there.

Mandy’s shoulders slump a little as she heads up to her car.

MANDY
Okay. He’s really sweet.

EXT. DIFFERENT DOCK ON THE LAKE – DAY

JED and MANDY are both wearing PFDs that fit snugly. He guides her toward the new kayak.

JED
You have to use the new one. It’s more aerodynamic, has a rudder so it will be easier to steer in the breeze and it matches your eyes.

Mandy eyes the older boat and nods to herself. It’s hers.

MANDY
I don’t want to scratch up your new one. I really don’t mind if you want to take it on its maiden voyage.

JED Nonsense.

Jed kisses her lightly on the cheek and she pulls him closer to kiss him.

MANDY
You are the nicest man I’ve ever met. You bought a kayak just so we could paddle together.

He smiles and leans in to kiss her again.

She frowns and looks away, quickly getting into the new kayak so he won’t see her confusion.

JED
Let’s head toward the dam.

Jed pushes Mandy, in the new boat, out onto the water and gets into his old kayak. They paddle away from the dock chatting about how the new boat handles.

EXT. LAKE WITH THE DAM IN THE BACKGROUND – DAY

MANDY and JED approach BOB and CAROL as they paddle toward the couple.

MANDY Hi, folks.

She heads toward them and pulls up next to Carol. Bob hangs back.

CAROL Hello, dear.

Jed pulls up on the other side of Carol. Carol stows her paddle and grabs the front of Jed’s boat as he passes by her. Bob stows his paddle at the same time and grabs the back of Jed’s boat. Jed waits expectantly for an introduction.

BOB Heave, ho.

In unison, Jed and Carol flip Jed’s boat away from them.

Jed falls out of the boat, his paddle flying out in front of him. He sputters and splashes, disoriented.

BOB (CONT’D)
Go, ladies. I’ll get the boat.

Carol grabs her paddle and begins to paddle furiously, making a big circle and turning back the way she had come. Bob gives Jed’s boat a big push and it glides easily over the water in the direction of Bob and Carol’s house instead of toward Jed who is swimming toward his paddle.

Bob backs his boat around and then takes off after Jed’s boat.

Mandy follows Carol, trying to look back over her shoulder at Jed who has retrieved the paddle and is waiting patiently for Bob to bring his boat to him.

Bob grabs Jed’s boat and continues to move farther away from Jed. Jed looks confused and then angry.

JED
Hey, I’m back here. Where are you

going?

The family rafts up, with Mandy and Jed’s boats between them. Mandy carefully raises herself out of the cockpit of the new boat and rolls into the cockpit of the old one, slipping her legs in and settling in to paddle. Bob gives the new boat a big push in Jed’s direction. It doesn’t run true, however, because the rudder is still in the water and the boat heads toward the dam intake buoy.

Jed, floating with his back toward the family, is using his paddle to propel himself toward them. When he catches sight of his boat floating toward the intake buoy, he changes course to intercept it.

Mandy stops paddling and looks carefully at the older boat she’s now in.

MANDY
Mom, Dad. We’ve made a big mistake. This isn’t my boat.

BOB
What do you mean, it’s not yours. Of course it’s yours.

MANDY
I know, I thought it was mine too, but mine had a gouge out of the cockpit rim where we dropped the anvil on it in the garage a couple of winters ago. You remember.

Bob pulls up to examine Mandy’s boat.

MANDY (CONT’D) See? No ding.

CAROL Oh, my.

MANDY
We should go back and help him.

BOB
After we tipped over his boat? I don’t think so.

MANDY
Tell him it’s a family initiation ritual to dump a person out of their boat the first time we paddle together.

CAROL
He doesn’t deserve that kind of consideration. He’s taken you in, Mandy.

They all maneuver so they can see how Jed is doing. His boat is drifting closer to the intake buoy and he is still paddling toward the boat, facing away from it to facilitate paddling. He glares in their direction now and then.

BOB
He’s tricked you into liking him, the bum. He’s fine, Mandy, and you’ll see that thieves like him aren’t worth a second thought. Let’s get out of here.

MANDY
Why do you hate him so much? He didn’t steal the boat. He’s a nice guy.

CAROL
You don’t know the half of it, Mandy. Let’s go home.

Bob and Carol begin to paddle back to their house, but Mandy hesitates. She mumbles to herself as though her parents are listening.

MANDY
He’s getting closer to the dam intake. But so’s his boat and it’s still on top of the water. He’ll be alright, right?

She turns her boat until she is sideways. Bob and Carol are getting farther away.

MANDY (CONT’D)
He’s getting closer to his boat and he can swim. He’s got his paddle. But the intake…

She hesitates, unsure which way to paddle.

MANDY (CONT’D)
He bought a new kayak just so we could paddle together.

She pauses, looking from her receding parents boats to Jed, ever closer to the intake buoy.

MANDY (CONT’D) But Mom and Dad hate him.

FADE OUT:

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Emotions (Assignments 1 & 2)

What I learned doing this assignment is that I could picture my characters’ reactions when I put them in situations where they felt the various profile emotions.

Assignment 1:

Big Little Lies

Madeline’s Profile

A. Hope: Happy Marriage / Fear: Being found out to be a cheater in her marriage <div>

B. Want: Lust; Love / Need: To feel valued

C. Base Negative Emotion: Envy / Public Mask: Happy and strong

D. Weaknesses: Jealousy, Need to look strong and controlled and happy

E. Triggers: Someone else being bullied

F. Coping Mechanism: Silent Treatment, closed lipped

Celeste’s Profile

A. Hope: Have her marriage work out / Fear: Fears being murdered or hurt by her husband </div><div>

B. Want: Her career as a lawyer / Need: Safety from her husband’s rage

C. Base Negative Emotion: She’s to blame for her marriage trouble / Public Mask: They are a happy couple and she is happy at home

D. Weaknesses: Wants to help, wants to work, wants her sons

E. Triggers: Sees trouble brewing and wants to throw the first verbal punch so she feels she controlled the situation

F. Coping Mechanism: Sex

Jane’s Profile

A. Hope: Feeling safe, her son to not be like his father /Fear: He will come back and hurt her </div><div>

B. Want: Revenge, control of what happened / Need: Feeling safe

C. Base Negative Emotion: Rage / Public Mask: Every thing is under control and good

D. Weaknesses: Thinking about Ziggy’s dad, remembering the rape

E. Triggers: Things that remind her of that night, thinking about revenge

F. Coping Mechanism: Running

Assignment 2

My screenplay:

Cara’s Profile:

A. Hope: Competence at motherhood, farming / Fear: Failure </div><div>

B. Want: Feedback, to know she’s doing OK / Need: Feedback that what she’s doing is ethical

C. Base Negative Emotion: Indecision, self-doubt and guilt / Public Mask: Strong, capable, always weighing options

D. Weaknesses: Lack of self-confidence, Suspicion of others

E. Triggers: Being pushed to do something she isn’t sure is ethical, being taken advantage of

F. Coping Mechanism: Hide

Randy’s Profile:

A. Hope: To be lucid long enough to see the Twins take over the farm / Fear: Alzheimer’s, Death </div><div>

B. Want: Cara to step up / Need: Help with the farm

C. Base Negative Emotion: Bombast / Public Mask: Nice, considerate guy

D. Weaknesses: Fear

E. Triggers: Others encroaching on the farm or twins

F. Coping Mechanism: Soft-soaping, pleading, praying

Mindy’s Profile:

A. Hope: Success (financial and parental) / Fear: For Jim’s wife, the financial stability of the farm </div><div>

B. Want: to help others / Need: To save others in danger, to be relevant

C. Base Negative Emotion: Suspicion / Public Mask: Great Mom, Capable woman

D. Weaknesses: Randy’s pleading, legacy in danger

E. Triggers: Bullying

F. Coping Mechanism: Parapsychology interference in situations

Mike’s Profile:

A. Hope: Kids, farm future / Fear: Farm will not survive to be passed on </div><div>

B. Want: More land, money / Need: Sense of security

C. Base Negative Emotion: Despair / Public Mask: Quiet competence

D. Weaknesses: When Mother Nature strikes, seeing his dad unhappy, scared

E. Triggers: Injustice, cheating

F. Coping Mechanism: Long haul justice, quiet plotting or seething

Jim’s Profile:

A. Hope: His farm will survive / Fear: He will get beat out by bigger farms </div>

B. Want: His wife back, revenge for whatever drove her to die / Need: Love, vindication

C. Base Negative Emotion: Anger, physical / Public Mask: good humor, jollity

D. Weaknesses: Feeling like an underdog, Not good enough

E. Triggers: Not having control of a situation with his family

F. Coping Mechanism: Striking out, physically taking out his anger until it dissipates

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is that sometimes the order of presentation of the information in a scene can be rearranged and augmented to increase the number and quality of reveals.

1. Scene from Canine Comedy Crew, after second turning point:

Logline: The family reviews the CCC performance at the neighborhood block party and Greg and Whitney think about CCC costumes and software as a possible side hustle.

2. Potential Reveals:

The family laments how easily distracted the dogs were by the crowd. They need to fix that if they are going to win on AGT.

That the audience laughs more when the dogs goof up. The oops lines are the funniest for the audience.

The idea that Greg and Whitney could make a go of a side hustle because others want to do this but don’t want to do all of the work they’ve already done.

3. REVEALS:

Demand: People tell each member of the family that they would love to be able to put on plays with their own dogs.

Cover-up: The people are all dismayed when they hear about the costumes, sets and play software that were developed for the CCC

Reveal: The parents reveal that they’d love to have selling costumes, sets and play software as a side hustle or possibly a way to ditch their demanding day jobs.

Demand: For the parents to go full time, the dogs would have to win at least one round of AGT.

Cover-Up: The dogs were distracted by the crowd and could fail at the AGT audition.

Reveal: The biggest laughs came from the Oops lines used when the dogs messed up and those laughs could get them through the audition to the next round of the competition.

4. The Scene

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – LATER

The family, exhausted, but satisfied, is gathered around the whiteboard and family schedule. They speak excitedly.

GREG

I had half a dozen people come up to me and say their kids would love to do this with their dog.

WHITNEY

Me too. Some of them asked where we got the costumes and set.

GREG

Same. When I told them we made them, they were bummed. They all said they didn’t have the time or the talent to make them themselves.

Abby isn’t as happy.

ABBY

I had a couple of people ask too. I told them about the software you developed, Whitney, and they all just shook their heads and said “Never mind.”

Whitney and Greg look at each other, a smile lights up both their faces as the idea unfolds.

WHITNEY

Side hustle?

GREG

If this takes off, we could ditch our day jobs.

WHITNEY

That would be heaven.

Greg checks his growing excitement.

GREG

To go full time, we’d have to do well on national TV. We’d have to get through at least the first round of AGT.

Greg and Whitney look to the kids. Abby frowns.

ABBY

Everybody loved it tonight, but Teddy kept getting distracted by the crowd.

NOAH

Even Diego lost focus a few times.

Abby brightens.

ABBY

But the oops lines got the biggest laughs so that’s not a bad thing, right?

All nod in agreement and Abby frowns again.

ABBY (CONT.)

But they don’t make the same mistakes twice.

NOAH

Maybe we can direct them to pretend to mess up sometimes so we can use some of the funniest Oops lines every time.

WHITNEY

Great idea, Noah. Can you teach them that?

Noah straightens and is more confident.

NOAH

I’ve gotten them this far. I’m sure I can.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s intriguing Character Layers Assignment 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that even seemingly minor details can be the source of intrigue ideas. Many have their root in the past but affect the present and, most often, the future drama.

Character Name: Cara

Role: 40 year old city girl who inherits her best friend Mindy’s twins and with them, their legacy — a $60M family farm in rural Iowa.

Hidden Agendas: to find out why Mindy’s premonition of death a few months ago caused her to change the children’s guardian to Cara

Competition: to gain additional farmland for the twins via rental agreements or purchase. Neighboring farmers (friends and frenemies) are the competition.

Conspiracies: Uses parapsychology skills/methods to affect crop yields, prices, rental agreements, health, etc. without approval from the people being affected.

Secrets: Never believed the parapsychology techniques worked as much as Mindy did. Knew about Jim’s abuse of his wife. Knew his wife committed suicide at the rail crossing — no accident there. Knows about Randy’s dementia.

Deception: Hides her (and Mindy’s) parapsychology dabbling from everyone

Wound: She had secretly been in love with Mike in college and was devastated when he chose Mindy.

Secret Identity: Parapsychology power wielder.

Character Name: Randy

Role: 60+ yo farmer and father of Mindy’s husband, Mike, who just found out he has early onset Alzheimer’s and wants to see the family farming legacy passed on to Mike’s twins when they come of age.

Hidden Agendas: Wants to secure Cara’s promise to take care of himself (using her parapsychology powers before he’s incapacitated and caretaking after he is), the twins, and the farm (keeping his Alaska sons out of it) before he loses his capabilities.

Competition: Every family farm, commercial farms/dairies and big agriculture. His Alaska sons’ desire to return to the lower 48 and take over the farm — something they gave up in getting startup money and support for their Alaska ventures.

Conspiracies: Knows what Mindy could do with her parapsychology techniques and wants to get Cara committed to do the same even if they are borderline ethical in some cases.

Secrets: Knows about Jim’s abuse of his wife and her suicide while everyone else in town believes her death was an accident. Wonders how Mike and Mindy could have not seen the train before they’re accident/death

Deception: Takes up parapsychology study after Mindy’s death in hopes of helping himself and the farm, but is new to it and doesn’t trust it will work with his declining brainpower.

Wound: Lost his wife to cancer. Lost his two oldest sons to Alaska. Now has lost he third son and the d-i-l he loved.

Secret Identity: Master manipulator who can convince Cara and the twins to take care of him and take over the farm.

Character Name: Mindy

Role: dead friend who grew up with Cara in Chicago and married an Iowa farmer named Mike and went through Silva and NMT training with Cara and used ESP-like techniques to manage her life. We know her via flashbacks to her childhood in Chicago, college/dating days, parapsychology classes she and Cara took together, home life on the farm via the family and community

Hidden Agendas: Get Cara to protect her kids from their grandfather’s competitive nature that drove away the older boys. Wanted Cara to love and care about the farm as much as she did even though she never visited it because it was “the middle of nowhere” and “hard to get to”

Competition: Community members put down Mindy because of her city upbringing. She competed with them in everything from fair entries, farm/field work, farm finance, raising kids, kids’ activities and support of activities, church activities, etc.

Conspiracies: Believed that Jim drove his wife to suicide and wanted to prove it.

Secrets: Used parapsychological techniques on some not-so-ethical ways.

Deception: Tried to get Jim to trust her to see if she could influence his behavior toward his wife.

Wound: Lost the closeness she had enjoyed with her parents/city friends when she moved to rural Iowa. Was terribly lonely.

Secret Identity: Parapsychology warrior who can save any day — or will at least try to with her powers.

Character Name: Mike

Role: dead son of Randy (Mindy’s husband) who was always destined to take over the farm when his dad retired. We meet him through flashbacks of rural locals/family and through conversations Cara and Mindy had about him.

Hidden Agendas: Best his brothers’ Alaska ventures by turning the family farm into a huge success.

Competition: His brothers relating to ag empire building to impress their dad and the locals. The locals who are all trying to grow their operations so they will be sustainable.

Conspiracies: Wondered why his wife was into all of the parapsychology classes and thought Cara talked her into it. Knew of Mindy’s sometimes less-than-ethical parapsychology work but went along because he knew he couldn’t stop her and he liked the results where they stemmed directly from her work or not.

Secrets: Had been plotting to help Jim’s wife get away from him when she committed suicide, something he didn’t believe. Was concerned that Jim suspected he had proof it was murder, not suicide, and would try to silence him. Was not aware his wife was worried, but thought Cara might be able to hold her own against Jim.

Deception: Met secretly with Mike’s wife to help her plan her escape, told Mindy about it and they created a cover story to satisfy Jim.

Wound: Had loved Jim’s wife in high school, but she was the one that got away when Mike went to college and Jim wooed/married her.

Secret Identity: Youngest child, less adventurous as he brothers and relying on his superhero wife to keep the farm going. He considers himself an imposter rather than a successful farmer.

Character Name: Jim

Role: Neighbor and nemesis who was Mike’s best friend who wants to step into Mike’s shoes where the family is concerned and believe’s Cara led Mindy into her ESP-like ways and is the cause of all of the family’s troubles

Hidden Agendas: Wants to get Mike’s farm because he thinks Mike had an affair with his wife. Wants more land for his kids.

Competition: Mike’s family (Randy and Cara), Big Ag (give him opportunities to side with Cara and Randy), other farmers looking for land to rent/buy

Conspiracies: Decides he should marry Cara to cement the two farms into a permanent relationship. Enlists his kids to befriend the twins and plant the seed.

Secrets: Caused his wife to die in the “accident”. Caused Mike and Mindy’s accident as well.

Deception: Pretends to help Cara with farming advice to make her dependent on him. As Randy deteriorates over time, tries to turn Cara against Randy.

Wound: Mike was Jim’s wife’s first love and she always had a soft spot for him. She was disappointed when he came home from college and could talk of nothing but Mindy. She married Mike on the rebound and told him so when she confessed to him in a moment of weakness. His anger at being 2nd to Mike “again” started the abuse.

Secret Identity: Better than Mike at everything — except, he’s not. It’s a fiction he buys into, however.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Intriguing Character Layers – Assignment 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that nearly every character has these intriguing layers so I should definitely have them in my show.

Character Intrigue — Big Little Lies

Madeline

Role: Mother who is struggling to find her role in life as her kids get older.

Hidden agendas: Wants to be relevant

Competition: Constantly in battle with her ex’s new wife

Conspiracies: Believes there is a conspiracy to blacken Jane’s son’s name because she is new and not as rich as many

Secrets: Kissed the director of her play — apparently on multiple occasions

Deception: Lies to her husband about what is wrong. Lies about her feelings about the director

Wound: Was left by her ex. Is now being left by her oldest daughter. Apparently has a wound from her dad as well

Secret Identity: Hero — she’d like very much to always be one.

Celeste

Role: Lawyer with an abusive husband who gave up law to care for her twins and now wants back in.

Hidden agendas: Wants to practice law without angering her husband

Competition: Her husband wants to always be the center of her world and she has better things in her life

Conspiracies: Hides the fact that she wants to do law and sneaks to do pro bono work for a friend

Secrets: Is being abused. Taunts her husband even though she knows it will start another round.

Deception: Lies to her therapist about the relationship she has with her husband.

Wound: don’t know yet.

Secret Identity: Lawyer extraordinaire — an identity she keeps hidden as much as possible

Jane

Role: Poorer mom who is paranoid about a man breaking into her apartment (and runs a lot)

Hidden agendas: Wants to keep her past secret, but now wants to kill the man she says raped her.

Competition: Wants her son to be accepted by the other moms and does her best to be one of them — keep up with the Jones

Conspiracies: Thinks the other mom’s are out to get her son. Some of them are.

Secrets: What really happened with Ziggy’s dad. How much money she has. What she does for a living

Deception: She seems to lie about what she does — no idea what yet.

Wound: Her rape

Secret Identity: Someone capable of killing the man who raped her.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was that I wasn’t always using the character’s traits in my current version to take advantage of built-in conflict and bonding opportunities. Doing this exercise gave me more motivations for conflict than I had before and that should make the story more emotional.

I changed Abby from being Cagey to being Lazy. Cagey was close enough to her manipulative trait that it didn’t add much.

I had already changed Noah to Vengeful in Lesson 11 and I left him alone.

I didn’t change Greg. I added Diffidence to Whitney’s list of traits (she only had 3 before) and it explains a lot about her reactions to bullying by her boss.

Canine Comedy Crew Characters and their traits:

NOAH WILLIAMS, 10 yo boy

Traits: Low key, observant, responsible, vengeful

2. ABBY PAXTON – 13 yo girl

1. Traits: Manipulative, smart-mouth, lazy, exuberant

3. GREG PAXTON – 40-ish workaholic dad

1. Traits: Self-sacrificing (at work), guilty, indulgent, unchallenged

4. WHITNEY WILLIAMS – 30-something WFH mom

1. Traits: Efficient, smart, over-organized, diffident

5. BETTY WHITE – 80-something devious neighbor

1. Traits: Cagey, manipulative, frail due to age, loving

Character Pairs:

Noah/Abby

Rapport: Noah’s low key and observant traits coupled with Abby’s manipulative smart mouth mens he sees and keeps quiet about how Abby manipulates their parents. He learns from her.

Conflict: Noah’s responsible and vengeful traits make him resent that he does all of the work with the dogs while she manipulates people into doing her bidding and exuberantly claims the lead on a job she’s not really doing.

Contrast: Noah’s low key trait is in direct contrast with Abby’s exuberant one.

Competition: Noah’s responsible trait competes with Abby’s manipulation to get others to do her bidding. He isn’t manipulated into taking responsibility, but Abby thinks that’s what she’s done. She thinks she has power over him.

Subtext: The subtext of their relationship is that Noah’s vengeful and low key traits allow him to let Abby talk a big game and then fail when she doesn’t do the work.

If I change Cagey (which is akin to manipulative) to Lazy, Abby and Noah will have more conflict (responsible vs. lazy).

Abby/Greg

Rapport: Abby’s manipulative trait complements Greg’s self-sacrificing and indulgent traits. She takes advantage of him and it assuages his guilt about Abby’s mom leaving them.

Conflict: Abby’s laziness and smart mouth constantly challenge Greg’s indulgent nature. He can never win but knows he’s not being a good parent.

Contrast: Abby is lazy while her dad is unchallenged at his job so he jumps on anything new that comes up.

Competition: Abby’s exuberance and Greg’s self-sacrificing are often in competition. She gets excited about something she wants to do and he goes to work instead.

Subtext: Abby’s sense that she wasn’t enough to keep her mom from leaving feeds Greg’s guilt about his wife’s departure. No amount of “making up for it” on his part can ever make up for it in her eyes.

Abby/Whitney

Rapport: Abby’s exuberance and smart mouth play to Whitney’s smart trait

Conflict: Whitney (Efficient and Smart) is not blind to Abby’s manipulative trait like Greg is and she hold’s Abby’s feet to the fire to get her tasks done.

Contrast: Abby’s laziness is in direct contrast to Whitney’s over-organized smart efficiency.

Competition: Abby competes with Whitney for Greg’s time and attention.

Subtext: Abby’s exuberance and manipulation grate on Whitney’s diffidence. Whitney feels outgunned.

Noah/Whitney

Rapport: As a single mom, Whitney shaped Noah from birth. He has great respect for his mom and the limitations on her career that working from home to care for him have caused.

Conflict: Noah isn’t a little kid any more. He’s more responsible and doesn’t need the over-organization his mother provides. He is also growing more confident than she is and at times, doesn’t respect her as much as he used to.

Contrast: Noah’s low key manner of getting things done is invisible compared to Whitney’s giant white boards and other over-organized detritus.

Competition: Noah has observed how to plan and organize all his life and competes with his mom to organize the CCC. Her diffidence allows their relationship to change over the course of the screenplay.

Subtext: Noah wants to show the world that’s he’s just as good as anyone else regardless not having a father. Whitney still feels she needs to make up for this disadvantage she has saddled Noah with and that she is constantly “not good enough”. Noah knows it’s not true and feels he must avenge his mother for the sacrifices she’s made for him.

Noah/Greg

Rapport: Greg and Noah are both responsible. Their low-key and self-sacrificing traits make them good work buddies.

Conflict: Noah sees how easily manipulated Greg is by Abby and resents him for this weakness. He wants to get revenge for Greg on Abby even though Greg’s guilt makes him cave to Abby every time.

Contrast: Noah takes on more responsibility in things he’s good at. Greg is bored and unchallenged with his job and wants only the few exciting parts of it — firefighting at the factory.

Competition: Noah and Greg both want to come up with the best technical ideas for the CCC. Greg, due to his education and experience, assumes he has the better ideas. Noah, due to working with the dogs and reading the dog training books, knows what will work better.

Subtext: Noah wants revenge on Abby for manipulating Greg, a guy that values his mom as much as she should be valued. Noah functions as the man of the house in many ways. Greg thinks that Whitney has coddled Noah the way he has Abby even though the resulting kids are very different.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned was the true purpose of doing the critiques which I had always skimmed over in other classes. Treating them more like additional assignments rather than chores should help me cement the skills being taught and recognize how others use them. I was treating critiques more like general impressions than hard reviews of techniques. They should benefit me much more if I approach them correctly.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Engaging Main Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that coming up with the answers to all six questions made me modify the characters more than I would have thought. The focus of the main character is now different than I had thought it would be and should be more engaging than it was.

Assignment 1:

Big Little Lies

Characters that sell this show: Madeline, Celeste and Jane

Madeline

Role in the show:

Madeline: Instigator of conflict, do-gooder and woman whose identity is changing.

Unique Purpose/Expertise:

Madeline: Expertise: Knows everything about everyone (gossip good and bad)

Purpose: Call out anyone who doesn’t do what she thinks is right, fight for underdogs and stick up for stay-at-home moms.

Intrigue: What is the secret beneath the surface? Madeline is secretly jealous of her ex’s new wife because of the ex, but also because of her daughters’ new relationship with their step-mom. She is deeply unhappy with herself because she is losing her “mom” identity with her daughters and with the public.

Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Madeline takes Ziggy’s side in the attack conflict, Jane’s side in supporting Ziggy and Jane’s part-time worker status; Madeline deliberately picked an edgy play to boost her own status as a leader and a fighter.

Unpredictable: What will they do next? Madeline picks up every new cause she can get her hands on as the school year starts.

Empathetic: Why do we care? All of us can understand losing your comfortable role in society as a wife, mother, leader.

Assignment 2:

Show Name: Level Playing Field

The Journey of my show: From mediocre big city software programmer to successful parent and CEO of a $60M family farming operation in small town Iowa.

2. Main characters that sell my show:

Cara: 40 year old city girl who inherits her best friend Mindy’s twins and with them, their legacy — a $60M family farm in rural Iowa.

Randy: 60+ yo farmer and father of Mindy’s husband, Mike, who just found out he has early onset Alzheimer’s and wants to see the family farming legacy passed on to Mike’s twins when they come of age.

3. Cara:

A. Role in the show: Heroine who must “save the day” by learning to run a large farm, learn who to trust, parent 8 year old boy-girl twins and prepare to be the caregiver to her best friend’s father-in-law in the first season of the show

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Cara and Mindy (the twins’ mom) took a lot of parapsychology courses, training their minds to control and program situations. Mindy had been using it to help the farm thrive and succeed financially. Cara has only been using it (to no effect) for her dating life and to manage her retirement accounts even though they have taken all of the same courses and read all the same books.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Cara is the age where she is particularly vulnerable to men — her hormones are raging and her body is telling her to get pregnant with no boyfriend/husband in sight.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Cara was never sure if Mindy was using the parapsychology skills they both learned to advance the interests of the farm. Was it immoral? Now Randy is encouraging her to continue Mindy’s use to preserve his legacy for the twins.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? There is a limited amount of farmland and every new technological advance enables each farmer to handle more land or animals which means that competition for farmland is fierce. Land grabs, business grabs, romance attempts to worm their way into control of the farm keep Cara off balance.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Cara has been thrust into a new world (big agriculture) and must deal with being a mom, her own desires for love/parenthood, her obligation to her friend and feeling manipulated at every turn by friends, family, the kids and others

Randy:

A. Role in the show: Hero who must convince Cara to continue the farm legacy for his grandkids while mourning his son/d-i-l, fending off attempts to take over the farm by his other 2 sons in Alaska and deal with his newly diagnosed Alzheimer’s.

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Randy is a third generation farmer and has gone from 160 acre farms, small tractors with 4 row equipment with a couple of hundred head of cattle and a few hundred hogs to todays computer controlled million dollar harvesters, 3500 milk cows in an automated dairy, outrageous land prices, government programs and insane competition for land and water over his 60+ years of farm life. His son had embraced their Iowa legacy while his brothers abandoned them for Alaska and now Randy wants to leave the legacy to his grandkids even though he won’t be cogent by the time they are teens

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Randy knew about Mindy’s parapsychology methods and approved/encouraged them. Others had the advantage of extended family in the area, but he had Mindy.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Randy doesn’t always explain the moral implications of decisions he asks Cara to support with her parapsychology techniques of influence. He pushes her to feel obligated to grow the farm so the twins legacy will be viable financially when they are of age regardless the moral rectitude of the decisions.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Randy’s deteriorating mental status leads to lucid and frightening states of mind that are unpredictable, inconvenient and terrifying.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? No one wants to be in Randy’s position where they can see their mind deteriorating and see themselves losing capabilities.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Three Circles of Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that characters naturally fall into circles, but having a notion how they will be used in the story is necessary to properly place them. Having once placed them in one of the three circles, it will naturally follow that they will be given concomitant roles in the story.

Assignment 1:

Big Little Lies

Main Characters Circle: Madeline, Celeste, Jane <div>

Connected Circle: Ed, Chloe and Abby (Madeline’s fam), Perry (Celeste’s husband), Ziggy (Jane’s son), Renata (primary enemy), Nathan & Bonnie (Madeline’s Ex and his wife)

Environment Circle: Joseph (play director), Annabelle & Perry (Renata’s daughter and husband), Principle, Teacher, Josh and Max (Celeste’s twins), various witnesses, Skye (Bonnie’s daughter), coffee shop waiter

Assignment 2:

Three Circles of Characters for Plessis – a Drama set in an upper midWest farm town, population: 1000. </div><div>

1. Main Characters Circle: (Since I’m not sure of may characters’ primary traits yet, I’m simply giving their circumstances here.)

A. Cara is a mid-level computer programmer, a little flaky and in over her head when she inherits her best friend’s family and the $60M family farm (the friend’s young twins’ legacy). </div><div>

B. Mindy – dead friend who grew up with Cara in Chicago and married an Iowa farmer named Mike and went through Silva and NMT training with Cara and used ESP-like techniques to manage her life

C. Randy – Widower and father of the dead farmer (Mike) who recently discovered he has early onset dementia and is trying to ensure Cara can save his family legacy for the twins and live as much as he can while he’s still lucid.

D. Jim – Neighbor and nemesis who was Mike’s best friend who wants to step into Mike’s shoes where the family is concerned and believe’s Cara led Mindy into her ESP-like ways and is the cause of all of the family’s troubles.

2. Connected Circle: Cara’s Roommate from LA, Boy/Girl Twins of Mindy and Mike’s that Cara inherits; Jim’s wife and his mother; Mike’s 2 brothers from Alaska; Guru whose classes Mindy and Cara slipped off to in Dallas; Head dairy hand

3. Environmental Characters: Twins’ friends, grocery store clerk, hardware store clerk, seed corn guy, Jim’s kids, Alaska brothers’ families, twins’ teacher, minister, elevator guy, veterinary, Cara’s parents from Chicago, Mindy’s parents from Chicago

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Name: Janeen Johnson

2. I’ve completed 3 screenplays (and 14 novels)

3. I want to step up my game to the point where I feel comfortable submitting my work to producers. I also want to amp up my credentials since my writing resume is thin.

4. I have moved 37 times in 50 years so I’m “good at being new”. I hope this helps me when working with producers should I sell a screenplay.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing this revision: I basically changed one trait for Maxine and gave her a quick personality transplant. Then I replaced Maxine in my original scene with this new one and modified her lines and actions to fit her new personality and adjusted how Renee (and Connie) approached and reacted to her. It was pretty quick and painless.

Logline: Maxine has a rude awakening when she finds that everyone already knows her mother is an alcoholic in need of rehab and that lunch is an intervention for her.

Essence: Maxine finds that everyone already knew about the family drinking problem.

Trait I Changed: I was confused on what we should post the first time so I am making a second change (didn’t keep a copy of where I made the original change in Renee from Devious to a Pious Do-Gooder which revised her subtext to: Renee is a pious do-gooder who believes she is required to help everyone resolve their problems).

This time, I changed Maxine from being Tricky to being Naive which makes her subtext: Maxine is a naive woman who is often blind-sided.

INT. – UPSCALE RESTAURANT – DAY

A waitress wipes down a table.

RENEE, 40 with stylish clothes, looks on with disdain and points at a few crumbs the waitress missed.

MAXINE, 40 with classic clothes, looks around to be sure no one is seated near them.

WAITRESS

Sorry, I should have had your usual table ready for you. Your friend joining you?

RENEE

Yes, she should be here soon.

WAITRESS

Usual drinks?

MAXINE

(smiles in delight)

Yes.

WAITRESS

Coming right up.

Maxine and Renee get situated.

MAXINE

I hope Connie finds something other than sweats today. Her wardrobe is anything but classy.

RENEE

Very true.

Renee leans in.

RENEE

Your brothers were here this weekend, weren’t they?

MAXINE

Yes. They wantesd to stage and intervention, you kno, mom’s drinking? They convinced her to go to rehab.

RENEE

I’m so sorry. That must have been so difficult for you.

MAXINE

The boys did most of the talking. You won’t tell anyone, will you? I don’t want Connie to find out about my mom’s drinking — or the rehab.

RENEE

I promised I wouldn’t tell, so of course I won’t.

MAXINE

It was so hard. She cried, my brothers begged. It was awful.

CONNIE, 40, wearing a denim jumpsuit, sloppy loafers and her hair haphazardly pulled into a pony tail enters the restaurant.

RENEE

Here comes Connie. We’ll have to talk later. Oh lord, she’s wearing that awful denim jump suit again. Try to ignore it.

MAXINE

That may not be possible.

RENEE

Connie, have a seat!

Connie sits. She meets the eyes of Renee and Maxine in turn, then speaks.

CONNIE

What have you two been talking about so earnestly. I’m not interrupting, am I?

RENEE

Nothing.

Maxine gives Renee a worried look, then answers.

MAXINE

Nothing at all.

Connie looks from one to the other.

CONNIE

Oh, that.

Renee shakes her head slightly to Connie and Maxine stiffens, looking from Renee to Connie in a combination of fear and disbelief.

MAXINE

What do you mean, “oh, that”?

Connie looks to Renee for guidance, but it’s obvious she knows what they must have been talking about.

Maxine looks like she may cry.

Renee looks guilty and uncomfortable, but reaches for Maxine’s hand in a soothing gesture.

RENEE

We honestly didn’t know for sure whether it was you or your mother that had the alcohol problem.

CONNIE

I do the bookwork for the liquor store so I saw payments from you or your mom nearly every day.

Renee pats Maxine’s hand and she pulls it away.

MAXINE

You told her I was worried about my mom?

Renee shakes her head, nods, shakes it again and Maxine’s lip trembles.

CONNIE

It’s easy to tell from the receipts when there’s a problem in a household. We saw the cars at your place over the weekend and wondered. When you came in this morning for your usual, well –

Connie trails off.

RENEE

I was actually relieved when you said the intervention was for your mom. My mom had hinted at it a while ago, but she said she wasn’t sure if it was you or your mom.

MAXINE

So you’ve been comparing notes for a while and neither of you considered just asking me? And you, Renee, you said you didn’t tell anyone.

RENEE

I didn’t. My mom and Connie both talked to me about it — separately — because they know we’re good friends. We are good friends, Maxine. That’s why we’re here.

CONNIE

I only see the store receipts, not what was purchased, of course, but from the dollar amount, I thought it was enough for two or enough to kill just one of you.

Maxine tears up and sounds defensive.

MAXINE

My mom has expensive taste. She buys the pricy stuff.

Connie softens.

CONNIE

I didn’t mean to offend.

RENEE

We’re your friends, Maxine, not enemies. Relax.

The waitress brings their drinks.

WAITRESS

One malt liquor. We keep this behind for bar just for you.

She sets a drink in front of Maxine. Connie and Renee exchange a look and Maxine sees it and becomes more agitated.

WAITRESS

And white wines for both of you. Ready to order?

RENEE

Not yet. Give us a few minutes.

MAXINE

I suppose now you think I have a problem too because I had a scotch now and then with my mom. She always wanted me to join her.

Renee and Connie exchange a long look and both look at Maxine with pity.

MAXINE

What? What are you staring at me for?

RENEE

We’re glad your mom’s getting help. She obviously needs it.

Renee and Connie exchange another glance.

MAXINE

What else?

RENEE

She seems to have gotten you hooked too. It might be good for you to join your mother. I’ll housesit for you.

CONNIE

I’ll housesit for you.

Maxine looks horrified.

[Janeen Johnson]

What I learned doing this assignment is that many of these Binge Worthy shows use flashbacks to tell the main story so they can introduce the “big question” for the season in the first episode and string it out throughout the season. Most have a murder/death.

Big Little Lies

Beats

Beats —

Ext – Murder scene – night

Detectives come to scene of crime at a school fundraiser. Either murder was shocking or the detective knew the victim.

INT – Interview Room – Day

All spill the info on the toxic school environment

EXT – Driving to school – DAY

Madeleine twists her ankle, meets Jane and takes she and her son under her wing socially.

Madeline’s ex (Nathan) and his new wife, Bonnie, have an awkward moment regarding their unmarried status and the daughter joining them at Bonnie’s mom’s for the weekend. Obviously stress there.

Jane reveals herself to be a little strange to Madeline and Celeste as she ingratiates herself with them. A man spies on her at the restaurant.

Jane runs on the boardwalk and thinks about running on the beach in a dress and a man’s footprints.

Bonnie has signed a petition to stop the play that Madeline is working on in community theater.

In an incident where someone hurt Renata’s daughter, Jane’s son is accused but swears he didn’t do it. This leads to overt animosity between Madeline and Renata.

Madeline and her older daughter bicker over Bonnie and the family bends over backwards to keep her from going off.

Celeste’s husband is overly handsy and uses gun images and money to get the twins to obey.

Madeline’s husband tries to talk her down and Madeline confesses she feels she’s losing her identity since her kids are growing up and is jealous of Bonnie.

Jane (of modest means) has a fight with her mom about having moved to Monterey. She flashes back to wearing the blue dress we saw on the beach.

Madeline and her daughter have a career chat.

Perry reads to the twins and then startles Celeste again and then gets angry when she doesn’t initially agree to keep the twins away from Jane’s boy.

Madeline plays the piano and has a heart to heart with her older daughter who says she will always be Madeline’s daughter and only friends with Bonnie. When the little girl joins her at the party, the older daughter looks disappointed and leaves.

MONTAGE of open questions/hints of mysteries.

The detective says she has no suspects as yet (in a flash-forward).

Jane is surprised when her son surprises her in bed and tells him he is sleepwalking.

More interviews — they now talk about men and women at the school.

The detective returns to the scene of the crime and flicks the lighter some more — something we heard in the very beginning of the show.

Jane gets a gun out of her drawer

Footprints in the sand and the man’s print ends.

2. 5 Star Points for Big Little Lies.

Big Picture Hooks —

World of the politics/parents/ at an elementary school for the children of elites in Monterey. (World we haven’t seen)
Dead body at a school fundraiser and lots of cryptic comments about rivalry between the heroine and her nemesis.
Heroine is divorced and remarried, 2 daughters who are growing up leaving her feel displaced and jealous of her ex’s new wife
Friend has twins and a husband who suggests violence with his actions (gun hand signal used often, reads books about death to first grade twins, likes to sneak up on his wife and “surprise” her, actually grabs her while telling her to keep their twins away from a boy who was accused of attacking a female classmate
Newcomer to town with little money, a son (the boy accused of trying to strangle the little girl), a gun in her drawer, flashbacks to running on the beach
A nemesis of the non-working wives who likes to make them jealous of her, but is angry when her husband says she doesn’t like it when they envy her to the point of not liking her — she is the mother of the little girl who got attacked.
Unsolved murder mystery where the police hint they’ve talked to the murderer (talked to all but the 4 primary women so we don’t know which of them was murdered)
Told in flashback so they can keep bringing up the murder without making progress in solving it since the bulk of the action is weeks (months?) before the murder.

Ask this: What is the big hook of this show?

A murder has taken place at the school and Madeline is being trashed as the “cause” of it. Since she is the star of the show, we assume she is not the victim.

Amazing and Intriguing Character — Madeline seems to be in the center of it all — we empathize with her because she is feeling lost as her kids are growing up. We dislike her because she is an opinionated buttinsky. We like her because she does 20 hours a week organizing community theater and dislike her because she is doing a weird play (not necessarily age appropriate puppet characters?). We like her because she welcomes the new mom and preaches safety first to teen drivers. We dislike her because she is gossipy and dislikes her nemesis who happens to be a successful working mom.
Ask this: What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting?

Madeline — A woman who defines herself as a mom and whose daughters are growing up. She is extremely jealous of her husband’s new wife/girlfriend and seems oblivious to the feelings of her boyfriend.

Celeste — Has connected herself to a man who seems to be violent (cliffhanger) and one wonders if she will be strong enough to get out if she needs to

Jane — Mystery character with son who she trusts, but her having a gun and being concerned with safety and her son sleepwalking makes it possible that he did try to hurt the girl at school. We wonder what she really does for a living, why she moved to the area (since she is obviously poor) and whether her son really tried to strangle the little girl

Renata — A bully and we wonder what her role will be in this or if she is the victim.

Empathy / Distress

Empathy – Each of the mothers loves her kids and wants them to succeed
Empathy – Each is successful in her own way
Empathy – Each has a significant other (except Jane) who she has relatable minor issues with like most people do.
Distress – Madeline’s play may be cancelled, she is losing her oldest daughter (she thinks) to her ex’s new wife (Bonnie), she has a nemesis in Renata
Distress – Celeste has a husband who seems to be gravitating toward violence and she is in denial
Distress – Jane is afraid of someone (keeps the gun, following men’s footsteps on the beach), is afraid for her son after he is accused of choking the little girl, has left her mother’s home in a more reasonably priced nearby town to live in a small apartment (presumably in hiding)

Ask this: What situation causes us to feel both empathy and distress for this character?

Madeline gets empathy when she laments her children outgrowing her (or just growing up), she treats Jane with kindness and inclusion, she is against texting and driving. Distress comes when her daughter won’t get in her car (she’s losing control), the newcomer’s son is being accused by her nemesis, she is sad about losing her husband and living in the past to some extent since she is missing out on her current relationship;

Layers / Open Loops

Layer – 1st grade class and teacher and their “issues” (choking, new kids, etc.)
Parent relationships with their kids
Parent/ex relationships
Murder
Madeline vs. her Nemesis
Why all the people talked to by the police so readily trash Madeline

Ask this: What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season?

Who killed who?

Will Celeste’s guy get violent with her?

Will Madeline lose her guy because of her obsession with her ex?

Did the little boy hurt the girl? Did he see who did? Why did the little girl lie if she did?

Who is after Jane?

What is the significance of the footprints on the beach, the runner on the beach and the end of the footprints?

What does Jane really do for a living (her claim of being an accountant was an obvious lie)?

Will the cops find the real killer?

Inviting Obsession
Ask this: How does this pilot create the need to see every single episode?

The large number of questions invites multiple episodes to resolve them. The culture of wealth surrounding the school invites intrigue, invites us into an unfamiliar world of politics/competition in a wealthy grade school and we may just be seeing the tip of the iceberg. What happens to these people?

[Janeen Johnson]

Logline: Maxine has a rude awakening when she finds that everyone already knows her mother is an alcoholic in need of rehab and that lunch is an intervention for her.

Essence: Maxine finds that she deceived herself thinking she was keeping secrets.

Trait I Changed: I changed Renee from Devious to a Pious Do-Gooder. This revised her subtext to: Renee is a pious do-gooder who believes she is required to help everyone resolve their problems.

Scene:

INT. – UPSCALE RESTAURANT – DAY

A waitress wipes down a table.

RENEE, 40 with stylish clothes, looks on with disdain and

points at a few crumbs the waitress missed.

MAXINE, 40, with classic clothes, looks around to be sure no

one is seated near them.

WAITRESS

Sorry, I should have had your usual

table ready for you. Your friend

joining you?

RENEE

Yes, she should be here soon.

WAITRESS

Usual drinks?

MAXINE

(a little too quickly)

Yes.

WAITRESS

Coming right up.

Maxine and Renee get situated.

MAXINE

I hope Connie can find something

other than sweats today. Honestly,

she looks homeless half the time.

RENEE

She does, doesn’t she?

Renee leans in.

RENEE

Your brothers were here this

weekend, weren’t they?

MAXINE

Yes. We had several intervention

sessions with Mom and finally —

finally, convinced her to go to

rehab. Honestly, her drinking had

gotten so out of hand.

RENEE

I’m so sorry. That must have been

so difficult for you.

MAXINE

It was. You haven’t told anyone

about this, have you? I don’t want

Connie finding out I even suspected

my mom had a drinking problem, let

alone that she’s in rehab for it.

RENEE

I promised I wouldn’t tell, so of

course not.

MAXINE

It was so hard. She cried, my

brothers begged. It was awful.

CONNIE, 40, wearing a denim jumpsuit, sloppy loafers and her

hair haphazardly pulled into a ponytail enters the

restaurant.

RENEE

Here comes Connie. We’ll have to

talk later. Oh lord, she’s wearing

that awful denim jump suit again.

Try to ignore it.

MAXINE

As if that’s possible.

RENEE

Connie, have a seat!

Connie sits. She meets the eyes of Renee and Maxine in turn,

then speaks.

CONNIE

What have you two been talking

about so earnestly. I’m not

interrupting, am I?

RENEE

Nothing.

Maxine gives Renee and warning look, then answers.

MAXINE

Nothing at all.

Connie looks from one to the other.

CONNIE

Oh, that.

Renee shakes her head slightly to Connie and Maxine stiffens,

looking from Renee to Connie in a combination of fear and

anger.

MAXINE

What do you mean, “oh, that”?

Connie looks to Renee for guidance, but it’s obvious she

knows what they must have been talking about.

Maxine puffs up in indignation.

Renee looks guilty and uncomfortable, but reaches for

Maxine’s hand in a soothing gesture.

RENEE

We honestly didn’t know for sure

whether it was you or your mother

that had the alcohol problem.

CONNIE

I do the bookwork for the liquor

store so I saw payments from you or

your mom nearly every day.

Renee pats Maxine’s hand and she pulls it away.

MAXINE

You told her about my mom’s

drinking problem?

Renee shakes her head, nods, shakes it again, gives up and Maxine

seethes.

CONNIE

It’s easy to tell from the receipts

when there’s a problem in a

household. We saw the cars at your

place over the weekend and

wondered. When you came in this

morning for your usual, well –

Connie trails off.

RENEE

I was actually relieved when you

said the intervention was for your

mom. My mom had hinted at it a

while ago, but she said she wasn’t

sure if it was you or your mom.

MAXINE

So you’ve been comparing notes all

along? You said you didn’t tell

anyone.

RENEE

I didn’t. My mom and Connie both

talked to me about it — separately

— because they know we’re good

friends. We are good friends,

Maxine. That’s why we’re here.

CONNIE

I only see the store receipts, not

what was purchased, of course, but

from the amount, I thought it was

enough for two or enough to kill

just one of you.

MAXINE

Did it ever occur to you that my

mom had expensive taste?

Connie is taken aback.

CONNIE

I didn’t mean to offend.

RENEE

We’re your friends, Maxine, not

enemies. Relax.

The waitress brings their drinks.

WAITRESS

One malt liquor. We keep this

behind for bar just for you.

She sets a drink in front of Maxine. Connie and Renee

exchange a look and Maxine sees it and becomes more rigid.

WAITRESS

And white wines for both of you.

Ready to order?

RENEE

Not yet. Give us a few minutes.

The waitress leaves.

MAXINE

I suppose now you think I have a

problem too because I like a

quality scotch now and then.

Renee and Connie exchange a long look and both steel

themselves.

MAXINE

I suppose you like dragging

people’s reputations through the

mud.

RENEE

No one’s dragging your mother’s

reputation anywhere. We’re glad

she’s getting help. She obviously

needed it.

Renee and Connie exchange another glance.

MAXINE

What now? What else are you

saying?

RENEE

We’re saying it might be a good

time for you to join your mother.

I’ll housesit for you.

Maxine looks horrified.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Janeen Johnson]

1. Name? Janeen Johnson

2. How many scripts you’ve written? 3 (and 14 novels)

3. What you hope to get out of the class? A better shot at getting screenplays made and novels sold

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? This is my second career and I’ve been working on developing the skills and discipline to write professionally for many years in preparation for…now.

[Janeen Johnson]

Logline: Tasked with organizing/running the children’s Holiday Party at their firm, Nancy and Squire, sales execs fighting for one team lead position vie to our-organize each other and tip the scales for the boss.

Essence: Oneupmanship sinks Nancy and Squire’s chances of advancement.

INT – EMPTY REC ROOM – DAY

NANCY, 30-something, sharp suit, classy hair stands with arms

crossed sizing up what her boss is saying.

SQUIRE, 30-something, sharp suit, attractive, stands facing

their boss, a glint of admiration in his eyes.

DANA, 50-something boss, sharper suit/jewelry, all business,

faces Squire, but mirrors Nancy’s stance.

DANA

I’m putting you two in charge of

the children’s holiday party. Work

together and make the company

proud.

Nancy and Squire nod, Dana acknowledges them both and walks

away.

NANCY

We’ll blow her away with this.

Squire guffaws, does a panoramic survey of the party space.

SQUIRE

I’ve already got a lock on the team

lead position. We don’t need to

sweat this.

NANCY

This has nothing to do with the

lead position. This is about the

kids.

SQUIRE

You were my competition for the

lead. Don’t pretend you don’t know

that. Knock yourself out on the

party, though.

Nancy looks out at the empty room.

NANCY

I’ll ace the party, but you do your

little thing here too. (beat)

The kids will love what I have

planned for them.

Nancy strides away. Squire shakes his head in good-humored

derision.

SQUIRE

We get the assignment thirty

seconds ago and she already knows

what she’s going to do? No matter

what you do, Miss Nancy, I’ll go

one better.

INT. REC ROOM – DAY

The room is decorated for a holiday kids party. An

inflatable dinosaur, decked out with a mock saddle and reins,

is fastened in the middle of a bouncy house.

Two decorated Christmas trees are spaced along the same wall.

The first simply decorated tree has no presents under it.

The second, with company-colored ornaments, has beautifully

wrapped gifts under it with corporate logo ribbons.

A corral is on the opposite side of the bouncy house with

piles of inexpensive unwrapped gifts in it.

Large tables in the middle of the room are laid out with gift-

wrapping materials for the kids to use.

Two tables on the other side of the room have separate lunch

options set up. The cowboy themed table sports burgers,

beans and tin cups of “Cowboy Coffee” aka cocoa. A large

plate of sugar cookies is surrounded by individual tubs of

soft frosting labeled Christmas “Cowpoke Biscuits and Gravy”.

The second table has a variety of simple, non-messy kid

finger food with clever souvenir cups that come in two parts

embellished with the company logo. The top part has one

handle and a spill-proof drink lid on top. The bottom has

the second handle and a tilt-out section filled with a

variety of finger foods.

NANCY glares at SQUIRE and he idly looks at his nails. They

both straighten when DANA approaches. Nancy mirrors Dana’s

posture while Squire does a quick, non-sexual, but approving

glance at Dana’s holiday attire and puts on a wide grin.

DANA

So what’s all this?

She turns to Squire first. Nancy glares at him as he speaks.

SQUIRE

I went with a Cowpoke Christmas

theme.

Kids can rope a present for

charity, ride a bucking bronco,

help themselves to some cowboy chow

and then pick up their present from

under the tree of wrapped gifts.

Dana nods in seeming approval.

Nancy quickly smiles as Dana turns to hear about her party

plans. Squire gives Nancy a wink.

DANA

Nancy?

Squire stands in mock boredom. Nancy explains, gesturing.

NANCY

I designed a holiday generosity

experience for the kids. Each child

can select a gift to wrap —

(she looks with venom at

Squire)

without needing to rope it —

(she returns to sweetness)

Then wrap it appropriately – with

Santa’s elves to help if necessary –

and hand it to Mrs. Claus who will

put it under the charity tree and

hand them an appropriate gift from

under the company tree in return.

Nancy indicates the lunch table.

NANCY

Then they can select a two-part

souvenir cup with non-messy snacks

on the bottom and spill-proof 100%

juice on the top. They snap the

two parts of the cup together and,

voila, they can carry around their

party snacks without spilling

anything on their party clothes.

Dana raises one eyebrow in admiration and walks away. Nancy

triumphantly cocks her head at Squire. He chortles and adds

a sly wink.

INT – REC ROOM – LATER

The camera pans across the tumultuous scene as Dana surveys

and reacts to the carnage.

Kids with cowpoke party hats, are struggling to lasso

presents in the corral.

They clumsily twirl ropes or throw them toward the packages

in the corral with little effect. Many whine in frustration

when they fail.

Inside the bouncy house, the fake saddle has slipped off the

dinosaur. Kids wait impatiently to get in. Those already

inside jump as high as they can trying to land on the dino’s

back with no success. It looks dangerous.

BOUNCY HOUSE ELF

Time’s up, kids. You must get in

line if you want another turn.

BOUNCY HOUSE KID

Just one more try and then we’ll

come out.

Tries and fails to get up on the dino.

BOUNCY HOUSE KID

Just one more try. Just one.

Dana gives Squire a withering glance and he laughs it off,

but frowns when Dana turns back to the scene.

At the wrapping table, an elf congratulates a little girl who

proudly takes her beautifully wrapped present to Mrs. Claus.

The little girl balks when Mrs. Claus reaches for the gift.

LITTLE GIRL

No! I wrapped it, you can’t have

it.

Mrs. Claus attempts to exchange it for one of the company-

provided gifts from under the tree.

MRS CLAUS

But that one’s for charity, dear.

I’ll give you this present instead.

It’s even better than the one you

picked out, I promise you. It’s a

lot more expensive.

LITTLE GIRL

I don’t care. I picked this one

especially and I wrapped it myself.

It’s mine!

Mrs. Claus and Dana look pointedly at Nancy who is mortified,

but clearly feels for the little girl.

A boy runs across the floor with a tin cup of cocoa in one

hand and an unwrapped plush toy in the other.

The cocoa spills on the plush toy and on Squire’s suit and

shoes. The boy ignores it and holds up the toy proudly.

LITTLE COWPOKE

Isn’t this great? I picked the

best one.

Squire is clearly angry about his suit.

SQUIRE

It’s ruined now. Go get another

one.

The little cowpoke balks. Squire snatches the cup and soggy

toy from the cowpoke’s hands, tossing them both in the trash.

The child cries and runs across the room to his mother.

Squire looks around for napkins to clean up the mess while

Dana shakes her head is disappointment. Nancy gloats.

A girl takes the two halves of her souvenir cup to the

Cowpoke table. She dumps out the non-messy treats and stuffs

a sugar cookie into the bottom part of the cup. Then she

scrapes icing out of a little “gravy” cup onto the cookie

with her finger, wiping her finger on her party dress when

she finishes.

Dana winces as the girl mashes down the top half of the cup

into the bottom until it clicks. She pours a tin cup of

cocoa onto the top of the spill-proof cup. It overflows and

soaks the tablecloth, dripping onto the floor. Oblivious,

she grabs the cup off the table as though it’s spill-proof

sending a shower of cocoa flying. She carefully picks up her

beautifully wrapped company gift in both arms, the dripping

cup still in one hand, and struts across the room.

Dana closes her eyes to hold back her wrath and then balls

her fists.

DANA

Lucky for me, Angela is in the

running for team lead too.

NANCY AND SQUIRE

No!

Dana stalks off in disgust.

Squire gestures “what happened?” to Nancy.

NANCY

That’s just not right.

[Janeen Johnson]

Logline: Tasked with organizing/running the children’s Holiday Party at their firm, Nancy and Squire, sales execs fighting for one team lead position vie to our-organize each other and tip the scales for the boss.

Essence: Oneupmanship sinks Nancy and Squire’s chances of advancement.

[Janeen Johnson]

INT – EMPTY REC ROOM – DAY

NANCY, 30-something, sharp suit, classy hair stands with arms crossed sizing up what her boss is saying.

SQUIRE, 30-something, sharp suit, attractive, stands facing their boss, a glint of admiration in his eyes.

DANA, 50-something boss, sharper suit/jewelry, all business, faces Squire, but mirrors Nancy’s stance.

DANA

I’m putting you two in charge of the children’s holiday party. Work together and make the company proud.

Nancy and Squire nod, Dana acknowledges them both and walks away.

NANCY

I will blow her away with this party.

Squire guffaws, does a panoramic survey of the party space.

SQUIRE

I’ve already got a lock on the team lead position.

NANCY

How so?

SQUIRE

You’re my competition, so I’m not telling. Knock yourself out on the party, though.

Nancy snorts.

NANCY

I’ll ace the party and the lead, but you do your little thing here. (beat)

The kids will love what I have planned for them.

Nancy strides away. Squire shakes his head in good-humored derision.

SQUIRE

We get the assignment thirty seconds ago and she already knows what she’s going to do? No matter what you do, Miss Nancy, I’ll go one better.

INT. REC ROOM – DAY

The room is decorated with many Christmas trees. A bouncy house has an inflatable dinosaur inside that is decked out with a mock saddle and reins.

Two decorated Christmas trees are spaced along the same wall. The first simply decorated tree has no presents under it. The second in company-colored ornaments, has beautifully wrapped gifts under it with corporate logo ribbons.

A corral is on the opposite side of the bouncy house with piles of inexpensive unwrapped gifts in it.

Large tables in the middle of the room are laid out with gift-wrapping materials for the kids to use.

Two tables on the other side of the room have separate lunch options set up. The cowboy themed table sports burgers, beans and tin cups of “Cowboy Coffee” aka cocoa. A large plate of sugar cookies is surrounded by individual tubs of soft frosting labeled Christmas “Cowpoke Biscuits and Gravy”.

The second table has a variety of simple, non-messy kid finger food with clever souvenir cups that come in two parts embellished with the company logo. The top part has one handle and a spill-proof drink lid on top. The bottom has the second handle and a tilt-out section filled with a variety of finger foods.

NANCY and SQUIRE glare at each other, then straighten when DANA approaches. Nancy mirrors Dana’s posture while Squire does a quick, non-sexual, but approving glance at Dana’s holiday attire and puts on a wide grin.

DANA

So what’s all this?

She turns to Squire first. Nancy glares at him as he speaks.

SQUIRE

I went with a Cowpoke Christmas theme. Kids can rope a present for charity, ride a bucking bronco, help themselves to some cowboy chow and then pick up their present from under the tree of wrapped gifts.

Dana nods in seeming approval.

Nancy quickly smiles as Dana turns to hear about her party plans. Squire gives Nancy a wink.

DANA

Nancy?

Squire stands in mock boredom. Nancy explains, gesturing.

NANCY

I designed an altruistic Christmas generosity experience for the kids. Each child can select a gift to wrap —

(she looks with venom at Squire)

without needing to rope it —

(she returns to sweetness)

Then wrap it appropriately – with Santa’s elves to help if necessary – and hand it to Mrs. Claus who will put it under the charity tree and hand them an appropriate gift from under the company tree in return.

Nancy indicates the lunch table.

NANCY

Then they can select a two-part souvenir cup with non-messy snacks on the bottom and spill-proof 100% juice on the top. They snap the two parts of the cup together and, voila, they can carry around their party snacks without spilling anything on their party clothes.

Dana raises one eyebrow in doubt and walks away. Nancy triumphantly cocks her head at Squire. He chortles and adds a sly wink.

INT – REC ROOM – LATER

The camera pans across the tumultuous scene as Dana surveys the carnage.

Kids with cowpoke party hats, are struggling to lasso presents in the corral. They clumsily twirl ropes or throw them toward the packages in the corral with little effect. Many whine in frustration when they fail.

Inside the bouncy house, the fake saddle has slipped off the dinosaur. Kids wait impatiently to get in. Those already inside jump as high as they can trying to land on the dino’s back with no success. It looks dangerous.

BOUNCY HOUSE ELF

Time’s up, kids. You can get in line if you want another turn.

BOUNCY HOUSE KID

Just one more try and then we’ll come out.

Tries and fails to get up on the dino.

BOUNCY HOUSE KID

Just one more try. Just one.

Dana gives Squire a withering glance and he laughs it off, but frowns when Dana turns back to the scene.

At the wrapping table, an elf congratulates a little girl who proudly takes her beautifully wrapped present to Mrs. Claus. The little girl balks when Mrs. Claus reaches for the gift.

LITTLE GIRL

No! I wrapped it, you can’t have it.

Mrs. Claus attempts to exchange it for one of the company-provided gifts from under the tree.

MRS CLAUS

But that one’s for charity, dear. I’ll give you this present instead. It’s even better than the one you picked out, I promise you. It’s a lot more expensive.

LITTLE GIRL

I don’t care. I picked this one especially and I wrapped it myself. It’s mine!

Mrs. Claus and Dana look pointedly at Nancy who is mortified.

A little cowpoke runs across the floor with a tin cup of cocoa in one hand and an unwrapped plush toy in the other. The cocoa spills on the plush toy and on Squire’s suit and shoes. The little cowboy ignores it and holds up the toy proudly.

LITTLE COWPOKE

Isn’t this great? I picked the best one.

SQUIRE

It’s ruined now. Go get another one.

The little cowpoke balks. Squire snatches the cup and soggy toy from the cowpoke’s hands, tossing them both in the trash.

The child cries and runs across the room to his mother.

Squire looks around for napkins to clean up the mess.

Dana shakes her head is disappointment. Nancy gloats.

A girl takes the two separate parts of the souvenir cup to the Cowpoke table. She dumps out the non-messy treats and stuffs a sugar cookie into the bottom part of the cup. Then she scrapes icing out of a little “gravy” cup onto the cookie with her finger, wiping her finger on her party dress when she finishes.

Finally, she smashes down the top half of the cup into the bottom until it clicks and quickly pours a tin cup of cocoa onto the top of the spill-proof cup. It overflows and soaks the tablecloth, dripping onto the floor. Oblivious, she grabs the cup off the table as though it’s spill-proof sending a shower of cocoa flying. She carefully picks up her beautifully wrapped company gift in both arms, the dripping cup still in one hand, and struts across the room.

Dana closes her eyes to hold back her wrath and then balls her fists.

DANA

Lucky for me, Angela is in the running for team lead too.

NANCY AND SQUIRE

No!

Dana stalks off in disgust.

Squire gestures “what happened?” to Nancy.

NANCY

That’s just not right.

They both step closer to one another, facing Dana’s retreating figure as ANGELA steps toward Dana.

Nancy squints her eyes, obviously plotting her revenge and Squire sizes up Angela with a glint in his eye.

SQUIRE

Angela, huh?

Nancy gives him a jab in the ribs.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by labeling the interest techniques I’ve already used, I can see where there are holes and more techniques needed.

Scene Selected: 1st scene after midpoint

Logline: The family reviews their abysmal first dress rehearsal with the dog act and make a plan to improve it.

Essence: 10 yo Noah’s input on the CCC progress is ignored by Abby, but Greg picks up on it and Noah demonstrates his dog training skills for the first time.

I noted the interest techniques already in the scene in notes and added the following:

I added Uncertainty/Fear when Abby realizes how awful the first dress rehearsal went and how it may affect the ailing Betty.
I added a Dilemma for Whitney (mom) where she will have to choose between work and the play.

Here is the revised scene:

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – EVENING

The family is gathered around the giant whiteboard and the family schedule.

ABBY
That was awful! Betty’s Commands binder didn’t say how she intended to get the dogs to go to the right place on stage.

WHITNEY
To be fair, she hadn’t done any of this yet so she probably didn’t realize how hard it would be.

NOTE: 1st Interest Technique list — Uncertainty/Fear added here for Abby.

ABBY
We’re going to fail and Betty’s going to die!

Abby gets a panicked look that Whitney can’t see.

NOTE: Uncomfortable Moment for Abby and Whitney as Abby critiques Whitney’s writing.

ABBY (CONT’D)
The dialog isn’t really funny. Sorry, Whitney.

WHITNEY
I know. I didn’t do any better than you or Betty did on it.

Whitney looks embarrassed and checks her phone when a new text message comes in.

NOTE: 1st Interest Techniques – Surprise — Noah has not spoken up before on the script.

NOAH
I have some ideas about how to make it funny.

Abby ignores Noah. Greg looks up from the set drawings he was poring over, notices that Abby is ignoring Noah’s input, frowns, and adds.

GREG

Me too.

NOTE: New Interest Technique — Dilemma for Whitney. The exchange below between Abby and Whitney causes Whitney to ponder choosing between work and the CCC.

ABBY
Okay. Then let’s do the play together.

WHITNEY
I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.

ABBY
You have to make time. We promised Betty.

Abby consults the script again.

ABBY (CONT’D)
We’re going to need a fourth dog because there are four characters. Can Teddy play the woodsman?

Abby asks Greg, but Noah answers.

NOAH
I think so. I’ve worked with him a little.

Greg is poring over the tree drawing again with rapt attention.

GREG
I see where I went wrong with the set pieces. The tree is top heavy and nothing fastens the dog bed to the frame.

NOTE: Anticipatory Dialogue from Noah next. We see Teddy not fitting on the bed later in the script.

NOAH
If Teddy-the-Woodsman, tries to get on the bed to chop up the wolf, he won’t even fit.

Greg doesn’t seem to hear Noah.

Abby looks at Whitney when she speaks, but Whitney is deep into her phone message.

NOTE: Predictions: Abby is right, below. It sounds stupid with them yelling commands to the dogs and voicing lines of the play as well.

ABBY
The play won’t be funny if I’m yelling commands to the dogs and doing Red’s voice at the same time. It’ll sound stupid.

NOTE: 1st Interest List – Reveal — Noah reveals the work he’s been doing with Teddy to the family for the first time.

NOAH
Use hand signals like this.

Noah puts Teddy through his paces with Come, Sit, Down and Up signals. Everyone notices as Teddy obeys each command and they applaud in awe when he’s done. A proud Noah hugs Teddy. Abby is surprised that Noah has done something useful.

ABBY
How did you teach him that?

NOTE: 1st Interest List – Character Changes Radically — we see Noah assert himself and own his accomplishments for the first time here.

Noah shrugs, sits a little taller and pretends nonchalance.

NOTE: Creating a Future — Noah does indeed teach the other dogs (and the humans) his hand signals in future scenes and we begin to see here that using hand signals may just make this work.

NOAH
I can teach the other dogs too.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I need to be sure to have my main character’s goals, needs, values, wounds and physical attributes in mind when creating the action and dialogue of the scene to maximize the challenge.

Scene 1: This is the first scene in the 2nd act in my Family Comedy, The Canine Comedy Crew. The family has just learned in the previous scene (1st act turning point) that their elderly neighbor has given up on life after they told her the previous night that they wouldn’t turn her dogs into a canine comedy skit crew — that the job was too big for their 13-yo daughter (Abby) even though they had previously said they’d do it.) Lots of guilt at causing the neighbor to give up on life!

Current Logline: 13 yo Abby alternately cries and outright sobs to guilt her father and step-mother into taking on the CCC to save Betty’s life since it’s her fault Betty got hurt (she let go of their big untrained dog’s leash). They ignore her 10-yo step-brother.

Essence: Abby uses her old tricks of guilt and manipulation to get her way again with her dad and, now, her step-mom as well. They all continue to ignore 10-yo Noah.

List of Brainstormed Possibilities

Goal: Get help with the CCC & Keep Betty alive & Not feel guilty anymore.

**No one will help her — all too busy

Betty languishes further

Greg and Whitney openly blame her for Teddy knocking Betty down

**Noah blames her for not training Teddy before

Needs: Help with all of the work the CCC will take

*Her dad too busy at work

*Whitney too busy with work

Noah just says no.

Values: Understands that promises are to be kept

Won’t be able to keep her promise because she can’t do it all

**Won’t be able to keep her promise because the act won’t come together — dogs won’t obey the way Teddy won’t obey her.

Wound: Her mother abandoned (didn’t help her) either

Her dad will abandon her

Whitney won’t help her either — no new mother there!

Noah won’t help her

Physical: Betty’s dogs and Teddy need to obey her in order to perform

Teddy knocks her down

Betty’s dogs run away

Summary of How I will Write the Scene Differently:

13 yo Abby alternately cries and outright sobs to guilt her father and step-mother into taking on the CCC to save Betty’s life. She confesses that it’s her fault Betty got hurt (she let go of their big untrained dog’s leash) and Greg and Whitney just nod slightly and shrug to each other “That’s true” they seem to say.

Greg begins to relent, but when Abby jumps on that (it’s exactly what she wanted to happen), Whitney relents a little. Abby gets a little happier and Greg and Whitney see through her and tell her that they may only have an hour or two a week to help her. They look at the board and she realizes how much more there is to do.

Teddy comes over and licks her face. She pushes him away, but he returns to comfort Abby, clearly ignoring her requests that he sit or go elsewhere. Greg and Whitney agree that Teddy will not be in the act and ask Abby if she can do the play with Betty’s three dogs since they are already trained.

Abby says yes, with their help. Greg and Whitney give each other warning looks no to volunteer to help, but agree. They do an all-in ritual to signal they are on the same page and make Noah join them.

Abby is eager to tell Betty, but Greg and Whitney want Abby to have to put together a workable plan before they tell Betty — don’t want to disappoint her again.

Abby realizes she’s not likely to be able to do it by herself and Noah smirks because he knows she can’t.

Scene 2: This is the scene immediately after the one in Betty’s house. They are back home trying to decide what to take off Whitney’s giant family schedule to make room for the CCC work.

Current Logline: Abby gives up a few activities she doesn’t really like and Greg and Whitney complain about their jobs as they find a little free time on the calendar.

Essence: No one is making serious sacrifices to carry out their intent to do the CCC.

List of Brainstormed Possibilities:

Goal: Abby wants them to volunteer to help her and clear some of their time

Greg and Whitney complain about being too busy to do anything

Greg attends to emails/txts on phone

Whitney checks messages and groans at added tasks

Needs: Needs help with costumes, sets and dogs but won’t admit it

Can’t find an opportunity to ask for help with specific items

Can’t get anyone to volunteer even though she guilted them already

Values: Wants to be seen as the leader, but doesn’t want to do all of the work herself.

Wants someone else to take over the lead since she knows she’s over her head

Wants to get rid of some of her least favorite summer activities

Wants to not have to do this at all

Wound: Her mother didn’t help her when she needed it

Her mother broke promises to her so she thinks maybe she will do it too and feels awful about it

Her mother didn’t help when she needed it and now Greg and Whitney won’t either — she is not worthy of help.

Physical: Teddy doesn’t obey her

Noah pays no attention to her

Greg and Whitney don’t pay attention to her

Summary of How I will Write the Scene Differently:

They are back home trying to decide what to take off Whitney’s giant family schedule to make room for the CCC work.

Abby will try to bully her dad into helping (and Whitney), but they will push back, ignoring her and complaining to each other that they have too much work to do and very demanding bosses.

Abby will cross out piano lessons, get Whitney to take out her travel time to take Abby to/from lessons and will stop there, returning to her “I’m so busy” discussion with Greg.

Abby will stare at Noah to get him to volunteer and he’ll just shrug and go back to reading a dog training book.

Abby will suggest getting rid of soccer, Whitney and Greg will agree since it is boring and time-consuming for them. Abby will bully Noah into agreeing to drop it too.

Everyone drops their soccer-related time commitments and then Greg adds clearing space in the garage for sets to his now empty time, Whitney leaves to get dinner (effectively ending the session), and Abby resolutely adds all of the tasks from Betty’s CCC schedule into the small amount of time she freed up creating a ridiculously crowded and unrealistic schedule. Noah ignores Abby and Teddy chews on one of Whitney’s high heeled shoes. Abby will look at the finished schedule, sit down and cry. Even Teddy will ignore her since she rejected his advances in Betty’s house in the previous scene. It’s a dark moment for Abby (but not THE DARK MOMENT :-> ).

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I need to stop making my characters (in the beginning) the kind of people I hope they will be (in the end) and make them as broken as real people are. There’s no journey if I don’t.

Three characters I’d like to be more dramatic: I chose all 5 human characters from my family comedy. They don’t have enough comedic oomph or drama. <div>

<div>

Current Profiles:

1. NOAH WILLIAMS, 10 yo boy

Traits: Low key, observant, responsible, responsible

Subtext: Noah wants to be the star rather than outshone by his step-sister Abby.

2. ABBY PAXTON – 13 yo girl

Traits: Manipulative, smart-mouth, cagey, sulky

Subtext: Wants to prove she is worth parental love since her mother left her.

3. GREG PAXTON – 40-ish workaholic dad

Traits: Rescuer, smart, duty-driven, well-meaning

Subtext: He is guilty that his wife left he and Abby and feels that he needs to make it up to her by being generous.

4. WHITNEY WILLIAMS – 30-something WFH mom

Traits: Drudge, Efficient, Smart, on autopilot

Subtext: She is desperate to keep her WFH job as that’s the only way she thinks she can raise her son alone successfully.

5. BETTY WHITE – 80-something devious neighbor

Traits: Cagey, manipulative, realistic, frail

Subtext: She wants everyone, but especially the Paxtons, to spend more quality time with their dogs and fulfill their dogs’ ambitions/dreams.

Improved Profiles: </div><div>

1. NOAH WILLIAMS, 10 yo boy

Traits: Low key, observant, responsible, vengeful

Subtext: Noah wants to be the star rather than be outshone by his step-sister Abby.

2. ABBY PAXTON – 13 yo girl

Traits: Manipulative, smart-mouth, cagey, exuberant

Subtext: Wants to prove she is worth parental love since her mother left her.

3. GREG PAXton – 40-ish workaholic dad

Traits: Self-sacrificing (at work), guilty, indulgent, unchallenged

Subtext: He is convinced his ex left him (and Abby) because he loved his job, but didn’t make enough money to suit her and has transferred that to his new blended family.

4. WHITNEY WILLIAMS – 30-something WFH mom

Traits: Efficient, smart, over-organized,

Subtext: Whitney is afraid of getting hurt again (fired from work or abandoned by her husband) as she was when she got pregnant with Noah.

5. BETTY WHITE – 80-something devious neighbor

Traits: Cagey, manipulative, frail due to age, loving

Subtext: Betty wants the family next door to take on her dream for her dogs, her dogs when she’s gone and her. She is seeking family now and in the future for her dogs.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s post-critique-watching second draft of QE#2

Note: I switched my characters around since they seemed to have the opposite set of traits the first time.

Logline: In a backyard fort, wealthy Nick tries to get his less prosperous brother John to tell him what he should get their mom for her birthday while John conspires to get his brother to buy the expensive gift he knows his mom wants (and he can’t afford).

Essence: Brothers try to manipulate each other regarding their mother’s birthday present.

INT. KID’S PLAY FORT – DAY

Warm summer day at their childhood tract house with a rickety playhouse in the back corner of the yard. Thirty-something dad, JOHN DIRKSON, his wife LACY and their kids are living with John’s mom. JOHN in an old t-shirt and well-worn cargo shorts sports hair in need of a trim and has holes in his sneakers.

Johns’s brother NICK, obviously well off, sports brand name clothes and impeccable hair.

They talk furtively, hunkered down over a tub of water balloons, keeping one eye on the back of the house where about EIGHT KIDS aged 4 to 8 and thirty-something mom, LACY, fill balloons with a hose attachment and slip them into a kiddie pool.

JOHN

How much ammo did we steal?

NICK

My guess? Only about twenty-five shots. We can hold them off for a little if we work together to conserve our firepower. How long until they find us?

JOHN glances at his wife, Lacy, who gives him a nod.

JOHN

Minutes.

NICK

Thanks for hosting. The condo association wouldn’t appreciate a war in the pool area. Do we try to take out the leaders first? Surrender right away? Make a run for it to tire them out?

JOHN

(with bravado)

No surrender. We go down fighting. Knock out the oldest first. None of the little ones have a prayer of hitting us anyway.

They chuckle. JOHN points to the tub of balloons between them.

JOHN

Running’s not an option. All our ammo is here.

They chuckle again.

NICK

So we wait.

NICK

(studiously casual)

What do you think I should get Mom for her birthday?

JOHN smirks and looks away, silent.

NICK

Jen always figured that stuff out before, but now that she’s got Mr. Douche Bag Big Hair, I can’t really ask her.

JOHN

Do you call him that in front of your kids?

NICK

Of course not! I just call him Mr. DB Big Hair. They asked what the DB stood for and I told them Darn Big.

JOHN shakes his head and chuckles.

NICK

Jen doesn’t like me using Darn in front of the kids but I told her I’d have to use what the initials really stand for if she objects. Then she’d have to explain what a DB is.

They both chuckle quietly. NICK sneaks a peek at the balloon fillers.

NICK

All the enemy are outside and they’ve got the full support team to resupply them.

JOHN

Mom? Lacy?

NICK nods.

NICK

We’re doomed.

NICK steels himself for another foray.

NICK

Has Lacy come up with a gift for mom? Does she, by any chance, have a list of ideas?

JOHN smirks behind his hand.

JOHN

None.

Nick guffaws, then considers for a beat.

NICK

Do your kids still like those action figures?

JOHN

Oh no you don’t! You’re not going to bribe my kids into telling you what we’re getting mom.

NICK

(with satisfaction)

You’re right. I’m not. My kids are. The longer we delay the battle, the longer they have to get it out of that beautiful little girl of yours.

JOHN

Lily’s only five! That’s completely unfair.

NICK

Alls fair in love and war and this is both.

They check the progress the balloon support team is making.

NICK gathers his courage and feigns nonchalance.

NICK

I got Mom custom floor mats last year. What did you get her?

JOHN crosses his fingers behind his back.

JOHN

A gift certificate to a spa.

NICK

Did she like it?

JOHN crosses his fingers tighter.

JOHN

I’m not sure.

He feigns pondering, the continues.

JOHN

We asked her if she used it and she said when she got to the spa, she upgraded to their top package. Apparently, the one we got wasn’t good enough, but it was all we could afford.

NICK

Are you going to do that again this year?

JOHN

The spa went out of business before Christmas so we can’t.

NICK

I see.

JOHN uncrosses his fingers and pokes his head out of the fort to scout the enemy, a smile on his face.

NICK googles spas and finds a grand opening for a new spa nearby and adds their best gift package to his cart. He smiles and puts his phone back in his pocket.

JOHN turns to see the phone being stashed, gives an OK sign to Lacy and his mom and smiles as he sits down again.

JOHN

Mom’s going in. Looks like Lacy’s giving the kids their marching orders.

They pull balloons from the tub and heft them, nodding to each other and miming poses of conquering heroes.

NICK takes a look outside and frowns.

NICK

They’re just standing there looking around. How are they going to find us here?

JOHN

I may have mentioned to Lacy that we’d be in the fort.

They laugh.

JOHN

And, just in case she forgot to tell them, I have one foot sticking out so they can see it.

NICK

Here they come.

They both laugh and lob water balloons at the cluster of kids approaching, making sure their shots fall short.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE #2 Scene Lesson 8 Draft

(I write comedy rather than action).

Logline: In a backyard fort, John is trying to get his brother Nick to tell him what he should get their mom for her birthday while Nick is trying to sucker his brother into getting the expensive gift he knows his mom wants (and he can’t afford).

Essence: Brothers try to manipulate each other regarding their mother’s birthday present.

INT. KID’S PLAY FORT – DAY

Two men, hunkered down in a kids’ backyard playhouse huddle over a tub of water balloons. They talk furtively, quietly, one eye on the back of the house where kids and a woman fill balloons with a hose attachment and slip them into a kiddie pool.

JOHN

How much ammo do we have?

NICK

My guess? Only about twenty-five shots. How long until they find us?

JOHN

Minutes. Which way do you think they’ll attack? Head on? Sneak up behind?

NICK

They’ll have plenty of ammo. They’ll surround us and keep firing until we surrender.

JOHN

How do we respond? Take out the leaders first? Surrender right away? Make a run for it to tire them out?

NICK

(with bravado)

No surrender. Knock out the oldest first. None of the little ones have a prayer of hitting us anyway. We can’t run. All our ammo is here.

JOHN

So we wait. There must be eight or ten of them. It’s going to take them a while to arm up.

John tries to sound casual.

JOHN

What do you think I should get Mom for her birthday?

Nick smirks and looks away.

JOHN

Jen always figured that stuff out before, but now that she’s got Mr. Douche Bag Big Hair, I can’t really ask her.

NICK

Do you call him that in front of the kids?

JOHN

Of course not! I just call him Mr. DB Big Hair. If they ask what the DB stands for, I say Darn Big.

Nick shakes his head and chuckles.

JOHN

Jen doesn’t like me using Darn since the kids are so young, but I told her I’d have to use what the initials really stand for if she objects and then she’ll have to explain what a DB is.

They both chuckle quietly. John sneaks another peek at the balloon fillers.

JOHN

All the enemy are back outside and they’ve brought in a support team to resupply them.

NICK

Neighbor kids’ mom? Lacy?

John nods.

JOHN

We’re doomed.

NICK

I’ve got extra balloons.

John rolls his eyes.

JOHN

And no way to fill them. Good thinking.

NICK

(with braggadocio)

We don’t have to tell them that. Just act like we have more to fill. Besides, I snagged the biggest bag of them so they’ll have less to throw.

JOHN

True.

John steels himself for another foray.

JOHN

Has Lacy come up with a gift for mom? Does she by any chance have some spare ideas?

Nick smirks behind his hand.

NICK

None.

JOHN

Do your kids still like those action figures?

NICK

Oh no you dont! You’re not going to bribe my kids into telling you what we’re getting mom.

JOHN

You’re right. I’m not.

John continues with bravado.

JOHN

My kids are. The longer we delay the battle, the longer they have to get it out of that beautiful little girl of yours.

NICK

Lily’s only five! That’s completely unfair.

JOHN

Alls fair in love and war and this is both.

They check the progress the balloon support team is making.

John gathers his courage and tries nonchalance.

JOHN

I got Mom custom floor mats last year. What did you get her?

Nick crosses his fingers behind his back.

NICK

A gift certificate to a spa.

JOHN

Did she like it?

Nick crosses his fingers tighter.

NICK

I’m not sure.

He feigns pondering for realism.

NICK

We asked her if she used it and she said when she got to the spa, she upgraded to their top package. Apparently, the one we got wasn’t good enough, but it was all we could afford.

JOHN

Are you going to do that this year?

NICK

The spa went out of business before Christmas so we can’t do that again.

JOHN

I see.

Nick pokes his head out of the fort to scout the enemy, a smile on his face.

John googles spas and finds a grand opening for a new spa nearby and adds their best gift package to his cart. He smiles and puts his phone back in his pocket.

Nick turns to see the phone being stashed, gives an OK sigh to Lacy and smiles as he sits down again.

NICK

Mom just went in. Looks like Lacy’s giving the kids their marching orders.

They pull balloons from the tub between them and heft one in each hand, nodding to each other and assuming the postures of conquering heroes.

John takes a look outside and frowns.

JOHN

They’re just standing there looking around. How are they going to find us here?

NICK

I may have mentioned to Lacy that we’d be in the fort.

They laugh.

NICK

And, just in case she forgot to tell them, I have one foot sticking out so they can see it.

JOHN

Here they come.

They both laugh and lob a water balloon at the cluster of kids approaching, making sure their shots fall short.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE#1 Rewrite

INT. BAR IN STRIP CLUB – NIGHT

ROBERT nurses a drink at the bar as LUCY swaggers away from him, looking over her shoulder with an invitation.

TRENT sidles up.

TRENT Can I join you?

ROBERT
Sure, she doesn’t want to. They

never do.

TRENT
I thought you guys had great rapport.

What happened? Robert shrugs.

TRENT (CONT’D) She’s new, right?

ROBERT
I don’t know. My first time here.

TRENT
Did you proposition her?

ROBERT
No, I don’t have much luck with the

ladies, even with money. I just wanted to go to one of the private rooms.

TRENT
That might be fun. Let me try. My

wife used to work in a place like this. Money talks here. What’s her name?

ROBERT

Lucy.
Trent thrusts out his hand.

TRENT
I’m Trent, by the way.

They shake. Robert.

ROBERT

2.

Trent pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and holds it in front of him.

TRENT Lucy — a word!

Lucy struts over to him, a question in her eye. Trent peels off a few bills and hands them to her.

TRENT (CONT’D) Private room?

Lucy nods.
Trent peels off a few more bills.

TRENT (CONT’D) Can he come too?

Lucy tucks the bills in her bosom.

LUCY Sure. Right this way.

TRENT (to Robert)

You’re buying the booze and extras. (to Lucy)

We want your best room.

Lucy glances over her shoulder at Trent as she walks to the back of the bar where private rooms line the hallway.

LUCY So I assumed.

When she gets to the room, a bouncer unlocks it for her and she nods to him.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Seductively)

You like it rough?
Trent grins and nods, nudging Robert.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Mockingly)

You want to pick a safe word?

TRENT
We won’t need one, but you might.

LUCY The works?

TRENT And extras.

Trent nudges Robert with an elbow and Robert smiles and gives Trent a sly wink.

Lucy laughs and holds the door as the men enter the nicely appointed room with rich leather couches and low round tables with smooth edges.

ROBERT
I’ll get some champagne.

Robert steps out the door. Lucy holds the door open as several girls walk in, in various stages of undress, holding a variety of stage props and S&M devices. When the girls have filed
in, Lucy steps out and the door softly closes.

Immediately, the girls start wailing on Trent with their various instruments.

TRENT
Stop! What the hell! Stop!

GIRL 1 Safe word?

GIRL 2
Oh, he didn’t want one. He wants

the full treatment. Let’s go, girls!

The girls continue to beat Trent, backing away from Trent when the girl with the whip wants to take a lash. She whips him around the midsection and he rushes toward the room door, but is thrown back by the gang of girls.

Seeing no way to get through, he struggles to protect his face and midsection by turning away. They give the girl with the whip free play, then other girls hit him with a baton, a fake pistol and a variety of their other strip act props.

When they tire of beating him on the back, legs and upper arms, they pull him from the corner and he crumples to the floor, cowering and trying to protect his head with his hands. He drops to his knees and bends over as the beating continues.

Several girls knock him onto his side and kick him brutally.

Enough?

GIRL 2 (CONT’D)

GIRL 1 For now.

3.

They open the door and strut out with their instruments of torture.

GIRL 2
Full treatment, but no safe word.

These guys are f-ing nuts!

Robert stands next to Lucy in the doorway looking at the beaten and bleeding Trent lying on the floor in the lux room moaning and holding his crotch.

ROBERT
I think you have a warrant for this

guy, don’t you?

LUCY Sure do.

Robert steps into the room and holds a gun on Trent while Lucy flips him over, cuffs him, and reads him his rights.

LUCY (CONT’D)
You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?

TRENT (whiny)

I didn’t do anything. Ask the girls. I’m innocent. Buddy, help me out. You know I didn’t do anything.

Robert smiles innocently at Trent.

ROBERT I’m in Vice.

He turns to Lucy.

ROBERT (CONT’D)
I wasn’t in the room. I have nothing

on this guy.

LUCY
Well, I’m an SVU officer and I have

video, audio, witness testimony, and physical evidence of Trent threatening to beat his kid if his wife doesn’t

(MORE)

4.

LUCY (CONT’D)
bring home more money than she did

last week from the gentleman’s club she works in.

Trent pleads with Robert.

TRENT
I would never actually do that.

ROBERT
(almost sympathetically)

Really? Lucy, you sure this is the right guy?

Lucy jerks him to his feet.

LUCY
Oh yeah, the hospital has the photos

and medical reports. That’s how I got the warrant, put a wire on his wife and installed cams in his house. We caught him this afternoon threatening his six year old’s life.

Robert shakes his head at Trent in mock disappointment. Trent goes from pleading to fury in a heartbeat.

TRENT
I’ll get you for this, Robert. I’ll

get you.

LUCY (gleefully)

More threats. He’s digging himself in deeper all the time.

Lucy pushes him out the door to a waiting cop car. Robert steps to the dressing room door.

ROBERT
You gals did Rachel proud. Nothing

illegal, but you gave him a taste of his own medicine.

GIRL 1
Tell her we’ll do it again if he

ever so much as chips her nails.

GIRL 2
We dancers got to stick together.

5.

[Janeen Johnson]

INT. BAR IN STRIP CLUB – NIGHT

ROBERT nurses a drink at the bar as LUCY swaggers away from him, looking over her shoulder with an invitation.

TRENT sidles up.

TRENT Can I join you?

ROBERT
Sure, she doesn’t want to. They

never do.

TRENT
I thought you guys had great rapport.

What happened? Robert shrugs.

TRENT (CONT’D) She’s new, right?

ROBERT
I don’t know. My first time here.

TRENT
Did you proposition her?

ROBERT
No, I don’t have much luck with the

ladies, even with money. I just wanted to go to one of the private rooms.

TRENT
That might be fun. Let me try. My

wife used to work in a place like this. Money talks here. What’s her name?

ROBERT

Lucy.
Trent thrusts out his hand.

TRENT
I’m Trent, by the way.

They shake. Robert.

ROBERT

2.

Trent pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and holds it in front of him.

TRENT Lucy — a word!

Lucy struts over to him, a question in her eye. Trent peels off a few bills and hands them to her.

TRENT (CONT’D) Private room?

Lucy nods.
Trent peels off a few more bills.

TRENT (CONT’D) Can he come too?

Lucy tucks the bills in her bosom.

LUCY Sure. Right this way.

TRENT (to Robert)

You’re buying the booze and extras. (to Lucy)

We want your best room.

Lucy glances over her shoulder at Trent as she walks to the back of the bar where private rooms line the hallway.

LUCY So I assumed.

When she gets to the room, a bouncer unlocks it for her and she nods to him.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Seductively)

You like it rough?
Trent grins and nods, nudging Robert.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Mockingly)

You want to pick a safe word?

TRENT
We won’t need one, but you might.

LUCY The works?

TRENT And extras.

Trent nudges Robert with an elbow and Robert smiles and gives Trent a sly wink.

Lucy laughs and holds the door as the men enter the nicely appointed room with rich leather couches and low round tables with smooth edges.

ROBERT
I’ll get some champagne.

Robert steps out the door. Lucy holds the door open as several girls walk in, in various stages of undress, holding a variety of stage props and S&M devices. When the girls have filed
in, Lucy steps out and the door softly closes.

Immediately, the girls start wailing on Trent with their various instruments.

TRENT
Stop! What the hell! Stop!

GIRL 1 Safe word?

GIRL 2
Oh, he didn’t want one. He wants

the full treatment. Let’s go, girls!

The girls continue to beat Trent, backing away from Trent when the girl with the whip wants to take a lash. She whips him around the midsection and he rushes toward the room door, but is thrown back by the gang of girls.

Seeing no way to get through, he struggles to protect his face and midsection by turning away. They give the girl with the whip free play, then other girls hit him with a baton, a fake pistol and a variety of their other strip act props.

When they tire of beating him on the back, legs and upper arms, they pull him from the corner and he crumples to the floor, cowering and trying to protect his head with his hands. He drops to his knees and bends over as the beating continues.

Several girls knock him onto his side and kick him brutally.

Enough?

GIRL 2 (CONT’D)

GIRL 1 For now.

3.

They open the door and strut out with their instruments of torture.

GIRL 2
Full treatment, but no safe word.

These guys are f-ing nuts!

Robert stands next to Lucy in the doorway looking at the beaten and bleeding Trent lying on the floor in the lux room moaning and holding his crotch.

ROBERT
I think you have a warrant for this

guy, don’t you?

LUCY Sure do.

Robert steps into the room and holds a gun on Trent while Lucy flips him over, cuffs him, and reads him his rights.

LUCY (CONT’D)
You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?

TRENT (whiny)

I didn’t do anything. Ask the girls. I’m innocent. Buddy, help me out. You know I didn’t do anything.

Robert smiles innocently at Trent.

ROBERT I’m in Vice.

He turns to Lucy.

ROBERT (CONT’D)
I wasn’t in the room. I have nothing

on this guy.

LUCY
Well, I’m an SVU officer and I have

video, audio, witness testimony, and physical evidence of Trent threatening to beat his kid if his wife doesn’t bring home more money than she did

last week from the gentleman’s club she works in.

Trent pleads with Robert.

TRENT
I would never actually do that.

ROBERT
(almost sympathetically)

Really? Lucy, you sure this is the right guy?

Lucy jerks him to his feet.

LUCY
Oh yeah, the hospital has the photos

and medical reports. That’s how I got the warrant, put a wire on his wife and installed cams in his house. We caught him this afternoon threatening his six year old’s life.

Robert shakes his head at Trent in mock disappointment. Trent goes from pleading to fury in a heartbeat.

TRENT
I’ll get you for this, Robert. I’ll

get you.

LUCY (gleefully)

More threats. He’s digging himself in deeper all the time.

Lucy pushes him out the door to a waiting cop car. Robert steps to the dressing room door.

ROBERT
You gals did Rachel proud. Nothing

illegal, but you gave him a taste of his own medicine.

GIRL 1
Tell her we’ll do it again if he

ever so much as chips her nails.

GIRL 2
We dancers got to stick together.

[Janeen Johnson]

INT. BAR IN STRIP CLUB – NIGHT

ROBERT nurses a drink at the bar as LUCY swaggers away from him, looking over her shoulder with an invitation.

TRENT sidles up.

TRENT

Can I join you?

ROBERT
Sure, she doesn’t want to.

TRENT
I thought you guys had great rapport.

She’s new, right?

ROBERT
I don’t know. My first time here.

TRENT
Did you proposition her?

ROBERT
No, just wanted to go to one of the

private rooms.

TRENT
That might be fun. Let me try. My

wife used to work in a place like this. Money talks here. What’s her name?

ROBERT

Lucy.
Trent thrusts out his hand.

TRENT
I’m Trent, by the way.

They shake.

ROBERT

Robert.

Trent pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and holds it in front of him.

TRENT

Lucy — a word!

Lucy struts over to him, a question in her eye. Trent peels off a few bills and hands them to her.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Private room?

Lucy nods.
Trent peels off a few more bills.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Can he come too?

Lucy tucks the bills in her bosom.

LUCY Sure. Right this way.

TRENT
We want your best room.

Lucy looks over her shoulder at Trent as she walks to the back of the bar where private rooms line the hallway.

LUCY So I assumed.

When she gets to the room, a bouncer unlocks it for her and she nods to him.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Seductively)

You like it rough?
Trent grins and nods, nudging Robert.

LUCY (CONT’D) (Mockingly)

You want to pick a safe word?

TRENT
We won’t need one, but you might.

Lucy laughs and holds the door as the men enter the nicely appointed room with rich leather couches and low round tables with smooth edges.

ROBERT
I’ll get some champagne.

Robert steps out the door. Lucy holds the door open as several girls walk in, in various stages of undress, holding a variety of stage props and S&M devices. When the girls have filed
in, Lucy steps out and the door softly closes.

Trent grins lasciviously at them and they smile back. Then the girls start wailing on Trent with their various props and devices.

TRENT
Stop! What the hell! Stop!

GIRL 1

Safe word?

GIRL 2
Oh, he didn’t want one. He wants

the full treatment. Let’s go, girls!

The girls continue to beat Trent, backing up when the girl with the whip wants to take a lash. She whips him around the midsection and he rushes toward the room door, but is thrown back by the gang of girls.

Seeing no way to get through, he struggles to protect his face and midsection by turning away. They give the girl with the whip free play, then other girls hit him with a baton, a play pistol and a variety of their other strip act props.

When they tire of beating him on the back, legs and upper arms, they pull him from the corner and he crumples to the floor, cowering and trying to protect his head with his hands. He drops to his knees and then bends over as the beating continues.

Several girls push him from one side to turn him over and they beat some more.

GIRL 2 (CONT’D)

Enough?

GIRL 1 For now.

They open the door and strut out with their instruments of torture.

GIRL 2
Full treatment, but no safe word.

These guys are f-ing nuts!

Robert stands next to Lucy in the doorway looking at the beaten and bleeding Trent lying on the floor in the lux room moaning and holding his crotch.

ROBERT
I think you have a warrant for this

guy, don’t you?

LUCY Sure do.

Robert steps into the room and holds a gun on Trent while Lucy flips him over, cuffs him, and reads him his rights.

LUCY (CONT’D)

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?

TRENT (whiny)

I didn’t do anything. Ask the girls. I’m innocent. Buddy, help me out. You know I didn’t do anything.

Robert smiles innocently at Trent.

ROBERT I’m in Vice.

He turns to Lucy.

ROBERT (CONT’D) I have nothing on this guy.

LUCY
Well, I’m an SVU officer and I have

video, audio, witness testimony, and physical evidence of Trent threatening to beat his kid if his wife doesn’t bring home more money than she did last week from the gentleman’s club she works in.

Trent pleads with Robert.

TRENT
I would never actually do that.

Lucy jerks him to his feet.

LUCY
You’ve already done it. The hospital

has the pictures and medical reports. He looked even worse than you do now. That’s how we got the warrant to put a wire on your wife and install cams in your house. This afternoon, we caught you threatening your child’s life, extortion, menacing and a host of other crimes on tape.

Trent goes from pleading to fury in a heartbeat.

TRENT
I’ll get you for this, Robert. I’ll

get you.

LUCY (gleefully)

More threats. He’s digging himself in deeper all the time.

Lucy hauls Trent down the hall to a waiting squad car.

Robert steps to the dressing room door.

ROBERT

You gals did her proud. Nothing illegal, but you gave him a taste of his own medicine.

GIRL 1

Tell Rachel we’ll do it again if he ever so much as breaks one of her nails.

GIRL 2

We dancers got to stick together.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I had a lot more interest techniques in my head than I put on the page. Reactions, emotions, etc. were often what I saw when I visualized the scene, but were not on the page.

Scene from Canine Comedy Crew, Opening

Scene Logline: Abby’s step-mom (Whitney) insists Abby train the dog and her dad knuckles under to Abby’s explanation for why that can’t happen and then he suggests an alternative.

Essence: Abby still rules her dad, but he’s trying to be tough.

Additional Interest Techniques:

Character Changes Rapidly — Greg, usually distracted by work and overwhelmed by Abby’s wheedling, becomes stern. He’s decided he needs to support his wife and that Abby should, indeed, be taking more responsibility with Teddy, the 150 pound dog.

Superior Position/Dramatic Irony — Abby is used to having her way with her dad (Greg) and usually assumes superiority, dictating to him. When he takes a stand this time, she reverts to a more childish wheedling to try to get her way. That doesn’t work either and she wonders if she is losing control of her dad.

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – MORNING

WHITNEY is preparing breakfast. GREG sits at the table eating with one hand and working on email on his phone with the other.

WHITNEY

Greg, he’s got one of my bras out there again.

Greg grunts in acknowledgement as he eats breakfast.

WHITNEY

And I think he’s shredded the dog training book we got Abby for Christmas.

Greg grunts again.

WHITNEY

(more emphatic)

Every time I bring it up Abby says she’s going to train him, but she can’t even get him to go for a walk.

Greg grunts again.

WHITNEY

I love Teddy dearly and he’s a sweet dog even if he is

WHITNEY (CONT’D)

destructive, but after two years, she should at least be able to take him for a walk. Greg.

Greg looks up in resignation.

ABBY comes into the kitchen with her backpack.

GREG

Honey, we’ll sign you and Teddy up for an obedience class after school today.

Abby speaks to Greg conspiratorially so Whitney won’t hear, pointing to the family schedule on the wall. Greg’s eyes go back to his phone.

ABBY

When? There’s no time in my schedule.

GREG

Well, make time. It has to be done.

ABBY

Whitney made the schedule, not me.

Greg looks Abby in the eye, sharpens his voice.

GREG

Then tell Whitney, not me.

ABBY

(getting snarky)

She’ll just say what she always does. She needs me and Noah out of the house as much as possible so she can work.

GREG

Well, if you’re in class with Teddy, you’ll be out of the house. And, Whitney can work in the store or in the car while you’re in class.

ABBY

There’s a bigger problem.

Greg looks at Abby with a smirk.

GREG

And that would be?

ABBY

She doesn’t want Teddy in her car.

Greg sighs, recognizes the truth in that and goes back to his phone.

GREG

Then talk to Betty. See if she’ll help you. Her dogs can’t wait to do obedience with her.

Abby is ready to object when Greg glances at her.

GREG

Honey, you should at least be able to take Teddy for a walk. You know that.

ABBY

(wheedling)

I’ve tried, Dad. The only way he’ll do anything for me is if I lure him with food.

GREG

So use food. That’s what we do with Noah.

ABBY

So I’m supposed to wave a bowl of dog food in front of him while we walk?

Greg nods.

ABBY

He’s faster than me. He’ll get it and then I won’t have any way to get him to come home with me.

Greg puts his phone down. Becomes stern.

GREG

Then bring two bowls with you if that’s what it takes.

Abby shakes her head.

GREG

(exasperated)

Look, we lure Noah out the kitchen by tossing treats into the other room, right?

Abby nods.

GREG

Just do the same thing on the sidewalk with Teddy. He’s almost as food motivated as Noah.

Greg picks up his phone again. Abby gives him a long stare, blinks a few times and walks away looking puzzled.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that when the negative traits come out, there is an internal battle likely going on too. The cognitive dissonance often exaggerates their negative traits in their “user interface”. Stress can make the traits more extreme — especially the negative ones.

Person 1

Secretive

Controlling

Manipulative

Engaging

This person demonstrated all of the negative traits in a phone call today and was only moderately engaging. I think I nailed it.

Person 2

Worrier

Insecure

Generous

Caring

I’ve known this person all my life and verified all of these traits during a chat.

Person 3

Pompous

Engaging

Domineering

Backstabbing

This person’s social capital implodes when they become pompous in their presumed position of power — the domineering tendency and pompous “I’m the leader” attitude generally precede a fall from grace in their peer group. Humility and withdrawal result, followed by a rebuilding of reputation as an engaging person. Then eventually the pomposity and dominance returns. Very cyclical over the years.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that once I’ve identified more of the scene essences, I can quickly and easily see ways to bump up the message/goal of the scene. I still struggle with short loglines, however.

Script I chose: Canine Comedy Crew

Scene 1: Location: Opening Scene

Logline: Abby (age 11) decides to get a puppy to prove to Noah (age 8) that his mom is treating him like a puppy — and because she wants a puppy.

Essence: Noah’s mom has trained him the way people train dogs and he’s OK with that while Abby rebels against her dad marrying Noah’s mom.

New Logline: Noah’s work-from-home single mom with a very demanding job has used hand signals and treats to manage her son’s behavior since he was born. His soon-to-be step sister thinks he should be angry, but he feels his obedience was contributing to his mom’s success.

Scene 2: Location: Opening Scene

Logline: Abby guilts her dad into buying her a puppy.

Essence: Abby is angry because her mom abandoned her and her dad feels guilty and gives in to her demands. She has him under her thumb.

New Logline: Abby uses her dad’s guilt about his wife abandoning them to to get a new puppy before her dad remarries because she knows her new stepmom won’t let her get a puppy.

Scene 3: Location: Inciting Incident

Logline: Teddy, the giant dog, knocks down their elderly neighbor while Abby is trying to train him and the neighbor manipulates Abby into taking over her dog comedy act while she recuperates.

Essence: Betty, the neighbor, is a great dog trainer who has tried to guilt Abby into training her giant 2 year old dog, Teddy, but Abby always has an excuse. Now that she finally tries to train him, he breaks away from her to greet Betty, knocking her down and injuring her. Betty seizes the opportunity to get Abby to promise to not only take care of her dogs, but implement her plan to put together a dog skit comedy crew to audition on a national TV show in three months.

New Logline: When untrained Teddy injures Betty, she seizes the opportunity to make Abby promise to follow her plan to get the Canine Comedy Crew ready for their audition in three months. Abby’s guilt has her saying yet.

Scene 4: Location: Midpoint

Logline: While the rest of the family laments how hard getting the CCC up and ready for the audition, Noah reads dog training books and teaches Teddy with ease, becoming the master trainer by default.

Essence: Everyone treats Noah like a kid who isn’t expected to contribute while he secretly trains Teddy and solves the training problems the family is having getting the CCC ready for the audition.

New Logline: The family laments how hard it will be to keep their promise to Betty while largely ignoring Noah who is reading dog training books and teaching the dogs all of the commands they need to perform the plays.

Scene 5: Location: Crisis

Logline: The CCC entertains at the block party, but the dogs are easily distracted and there are problems getting the dogs to go to the correct locations.

Essence: The family is working as a team with each specializing on a different part of the production, but their work has all been in the back yard until now and the crowd seriously distracts the dogs — they still have a lot of work to do before the audition in only a few weeks.

New Logline: With the audition looming, Noah has solved all fo the dog problems to date, his mom has written software to drive the play, Abby’s dad has built sets that work and arranged for performances and Abby has taken on the role of director and show-runner. During their first performance at a neighborhood block party, they find that the dogs are easily distractible and they have a lot of work to do, but they also find that if they can pull of the audition in two weeks, they may have a shot of turning the CCC into a family business so they can spend more time together.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen finds the Essence

What I’ve learned is that I naturally extract the essence of a scene struggle with the Logline. I’ve realized this whenever I try to write a logline for a book or screenplay as well. My loglines sound more like essences than stories.

Script I chose: Just Go With It by Allan Loeb

Scene 1: Opening Scene between Katherine and Danny (would take the place of a meet cute)

Logline: Danny declares he could get serious about a 23-yo he met and Katherine explains a Devlin

Essence: Danny and Katherine know all (nearly) of each other’s secrets and are honest with each other

Scene 2: Inciting incident

Logline: Danny tells Palmer he is going through a divorce

Essence: Danny tells the first lies (he is divorcing a wife named Devlin).

Scene 3: End of Act 1

Logline: Devlin finds out Danny and Katherine have kids

Essence: Katherine breaks character (Devlin) to take a phone call from her kids and Palmer wants to meet Danny’s kids.

Scene 4: Midpoint

Logline: (Midpoint) Katherine is goes for a swim in the waterfall and Danny is amazed.

Essence: Danny sees Katherine in a swim suit and begins to see her as something more than his assistant

Scene 5: Pinch Point 2

Logline: Katherine and Danny get real while playing a game on a dare by Katherine’s nemesis

Essence: Katherine and Danny accidentally confess what they love most in each other because of a dare, but both realize something has changed between them.

Selected scene:

INT. OCEANO’S – CONTINUOUS

DANNY

Okay, so what do we do here?

DEVLIN

Look each other in the eyes and say what you love about each other.

Katherine and Danny awkwardly turn and look each other in the eyes

DANNY

Hello.

KATHERINE

Hello.

DANNY

So tell me what you love about me.

KATHERINE

Well, I love…what a good doctor you are.

DEVLIN

Keep going.

KATHERINE

I love your sense of humor, and …your stories, and your advice…and how you secretly have a big heart, full of kindness and humility and…

DANNY

Blood?

KATHERINE

…blood. Yeah, I don’t know, you’re just a very nice person that I like…love being around.

DANNY

(touched)

Thank you.

DEVLIN

Danny?

DANNY

Well, I love the Brazilian wax that you’re constantly showing me…And your sense of humor, and your stories, and your advice…

DEVLIN

(too harsh)

No repeats!

DANNY

Whoa, I didn’t know we were being graded

(back to Katherine)

Um, I love.how you do stuff. Never for yourself, always for the rest of us. In all honesty, I’d be lost without you. You are…the only person I’ve never lied to.

He realizes as he says it that he means it.

DANNY (CONT’D)

And you’re a great mother. And your smile. It’s an amazing smile. When I see it, that’s actually when my day starts

Katherine is touched. They stare at each other for a beat. They might have a moment when Devlin breaks the mood.

DEVLIN

I won best smile at our sorority three years straight. Remember, Katherine?

KATHERINE

Yes, I do

Danny and Katherine now loo away from each other feeling self-conscious.

END SCENE

Essence: IU believe this is the scene where the characters realize they do love each other in a way they had never considered — not just colleagues any more.

I believe this had the most profound essence because it is so easy for them to pretend they’re married and they’ve just confessed things they feel about the other, but Danny is marrying someone else so Katherine is sad/disappointed that they had this moment too late and Danny begins to wonder if he is doing the right thing.

[Janeen Johnson]

Name: Janeen Johnson

1. How many scripts I’ve written? 3-1/2 scripts. I’ve also written 14 novels (none published yet).

2. What I hope to get out of the class? I want to be able to independently improve my writing exponentially before I submit. Techniques from other classes have been very helpful in initial planning/writing and I hope this one will help with elevating it.

3. Something odd/unusual about me? I’ve moved 37 times since I graduated from high school, was an Air Force officer for 3 of those moves and had a 45 year career as an industrial engineer at 25 different employers. I’ve been working on moving from engineering to writing for 20 years (when the new job skill upgrades were completed) via critique groups, conferences and professional organizations.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I learned doing this assignment is that until I have some credibility, I should keep my Screenwriter/Writer LinkedIn profile hidden. 🙂

I created a linkedIn profile for my writing, but am keeping my engineering profile as I need that for credibility in some of my fiction work. The writing profile will focus strictly on that. I currently have zero credibility so it is blank.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Credibility is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I currently have zero credibility. Yikes!

Things i can do to increase my credibility:

1. Complete my sample screenplay and get coverage (may well be an iterative process)

2. Develop a plan to brand my writing as I will probably continue to do some novel writing as well as screenplays

3. Develop a PR plan for my writing using media I am comfortable with and can keep fresh.

Credibility Checklist:

Your Writing Sample — My sample requires a rewrite (or several) so is not ready to send for coverage.
Screenwriting Accomplishments — None
The Google factor — I’m not even the first one that comes up! 🙂
Your Network — None
Education specific to screenwriting

No degree
3-4 ScreenwritingU classes
20+ years of writers conferences focusing mainly on commercial fiction
5 years in a critique group meeting twice per month
Various screenwriting, writing and critique groups on Meetup
10+ years in RWA (Romance Writers) and PPRW membership
14 completed novels, alas, no sales

6. Borrowed Credibility — None

7. IMDB Credits — None

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting: None

Things i can do to increase my credibility:

1. Complete my sample screenplay and get coverage (may well be an iterative process)

2. Develop a plan to brand my writing as I will probably continue to do some novel writing as well as screenplays

3. Develop a PR plan for my writing using media I am comfortable with and can keep fresh.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Projects and Insights

My two projects are:

Type II: The Comedy – a completed script $1 – $5 million

2. The Matts (working title) – a romance concept $1 – $5 million

What I learned from the opening teleconference:

There are 5 topics we will cover and each will prepare us to begin pitching our work as writing samples to producers.

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi! I am Janeen Johnson (she). I have written 3 scripts (and completed 14 novels as well). I moved 36 times in 45 years and am willing to move again for a writing career. I hope to get the information I need to obtain paid writing assignments.

[Janeen Johnson]

I, Janeen Johnson, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 4 Resolution

What I learned doing this assignment is that I struggled to finish these last scenes because I knew I had to go back and ramp up the tension so that they make sense and are cathartic.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN is home alone. He paces looking at the family pictures of his wife, Jym and his mother, all larger than they are now. He contemplates them and checks himself when he gets frustrated with them.

He phones Uncle Jerome.

BEN
Uncle Jerome, I’ve reached a decision.

86.

UNCLE JEROME I assumed you had.

BEN
Ashley has lost weight and is climbing

back up the ladder to health. She looks amazing and she really is a
lot healthier. Marta, you remember her, has been keeping tabs on her
for me, but it turns out they’ve
been withholding the fact that they’ve changed diet and meds several times of the past few months as Ashley

gets better.

UNCLE JEROME I’m glad she’s well.

BEN
Marta is an OB/GYN and really doesn’t

have the time or the expertise to help the neighborhood like I do.

UNCLE JEROME

I see.

BEN
Uncle Jerome, I don’t understand

women at all. While I’ve been gone, they’ve helped so many people and
helped themselves. Jym’s more fit
than she was in high school and Ashley — well, —

UNCLE JEROME
Say no more. You can’t bear the

thought of being separated from your wife anymore, is that it?

BEN Well, I wouldn’t –

UNCLE JEROME
Just say, yes, Uncle Jerome, that’s

it. I can tell you’re not coming back.

Ben chuckles.

BEN
You know me too well.

UNCLE JEROME
I do. I’ll see you at the holidays.

87.

BEN
Thank you, Uncle Jerome. I owe you

so much.

UNCLE JEROME

Yes, you do. They hang up, both smiling.

Ben makes another call.

BEN
Marta, do you have a few minutes?

INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
While prepping for bed, ASHLEY fills BEN in on her plans.

ASHLEY
Ben, honey, I want to work at Jym’s

gym so Jym an spend more time advising people. Marta has been helping people as much as she can, but she really doesn’t have time available to meet the needs of the neighborhood.

Ben puts his arms around her. BEN

I see.

ASHLEY
Jym can do more instruction and

monitoring if she’s not running the gym and I love it.

BEN
That’s great. I wish I’d gone into

obstetrics. Then I could help Marta, but I can’t change specialties now.

He holds her in front of him and looks into her eyes.

BEN (CONT’D)
I’ve quit the clinical trial business.

I couldn’t stand to be away from you any longer and I don’t belong in that business.

ASHLEY That’s great!

When she tries to hug him, he holds her at arms’ length.

88.

BEN
Ash, I don’t have a job.

Ashley pulls him after her onto the bed.

ASHLEY
I’m glad you’ll be here all of the

time. I have a lot more energy these days.

They embrace and nuzzle and are about to get serious when she pushes him aside and sits up.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
You can take Marta’s place with Jym’s

clients.
She smiles and he looks quizzical.

BEN
Did you talk to Marta today?

ASHLEY
No, but we’ll talk to her tomorrow.

There’s an empty office next to the gym that would be a great wellness clinic. We’ll talk tomorrow.

She lures him into bed and he shakes his head in amused defeat.

BEN

Tomorrow. INT. JYM’S OFFICE – DAY

CAM enters JYM’s office.

JYM
There’s something I need to tell

you.

CAM
That you can lo longer resist my

charms?
She laughs and he smiles.

JYM
Not exactly. I’m going to be working

with my brother and Ashley is going to be taking over the management of the gym. Will that be a problem for you?

89.

CAM

Hardly.

JYM
It will mean a change in our

relationship.
Eyes her closely and eagerly.

CAM

How so?

JYM
You won’t have to suk up to me all

of the time because you’ll no longer work for me.

Cam leans back in his chair for a moment and then sits forward leaning toward Jym as he speaks.

CAM
If I don’t work for you any more,

then I can stop beating around the bush.

Jym frowns.

CAM (CONT’D)
I love you. I loved you the whole

time we were stationed together and I came here and took this job specifically to be with you. I’m not sucking up. I’m in love.

He swallows hard, watches as she looks away, processing.

Jym frowns, processing. She fidgets in her chair. Finally, she stands up and rounds the desk. He stands.

JYM Are you for real?

CAM

Of course.

She ponders a beat, then gives a whoop and kisses him hard. They hug.

EXT. NEW CLINIC – DAY
One year later, JYM is wearing a wedding ring and is pregnant. There is a brief montage.

90.

Jym counsels patients showing them diets with budget numbers, trying several brochures and books until they are satisfied.

JYM
If you have any problems sticking to

the diet, come bak. We can find something that will work for you and be within your budget.

Ben congratulates a client on a weight loss after a weigh- in.

BEN
Keep up the good work!

Jym taps on Ben’s office doorframe.

JYM
Mrs. Fairfield has some questions

for you.

ASHLEY is thinner still. She and CAM are consulting the class schedule board where both their names appear and they share teaching duties on many classes.

At the end of the day, the medical office and gym are locked and they pair up in front of the office.

Ben and Ashley kiss passionately, then return to the office for a quick canoodle.

Cam and Jym hug, kiss and head back into the gym.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 4 Climax

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to amp up the buildup to get to this fever pitch of anger for both Jym and Ashley or their anger is coming out of the blue.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

BEN taps on UNCLE JEROME’s office doorjamb. He looks up from his desk and waves Ben in.

BEN
Have you got a minute?

UNCLE JEROME
Of course. Have a seat. What’s on

your mind?

BEN
I’ve been researching all of the

drugs we test here and looking at what’s in the pipeline. Everything treats symptoms. No one seems to be working on curing or reversing the underlying disease.

UNCLE JEROME What are you getting at?

BEN
I think its counterproductive to

keep developing and testing more of these drugs. It just seems wrong.

80.

UNCLE JEROME
There’s nothing wrong with what we

do. These drugs will hit the market whether it’s us running the trials or someone else. We know we do an honest job on the trials. That’s something worth doing. These medicines help people.

BEN
Help, yes, but it doesn’t get them

better. It just helps them get worse more slowly.

UNCLE JEROME
Be blunt. What are you saying?

BEN
I think it’s wrong. Maybe not morally

wrong, but ethically. Yes, I think it’s ethically wrong to work on drugs to slow the rate of this disease instead of working on cures for diabetes.

UNCLE JEROME
How can ensuring that new drugs are

safe for people be wrong? Morally or ethically?

BEN
It’s wrong because it leads us away

from prevention and reversal, not toward it. Can’t you see? We;re not helping people live. We’re helping them die more slowly.

UNCLE JEROME
Get out. Just get out. I’ll give

you one week at home with your sick wife to think about whether you want to take over this business or not.
I can find plenty of people who would give their eye teeth for the opportunity I’ve offered you. And I will give it to one of them if you can’t get your head on straight.

Now go!
INT. DOC’S HOUSE – NIGHT

BEN and ASHLEY are in bed and relaxing after a bout of lovemaking.

81.

BEN
I think I may have to quit Uncle

Jerome’s business.

ASHLEY
Can’t stand to be away from me so

long?

BEN
Of course, that. But I’ve been doing

a lot of research and all we do at the clinic is test new drugs that treat diabetes symptoms. None that reverse diabetes.

ASHLEY
You can’t just quit. Uncle Jerome

helped us get you through med school so you could take over his business.

BEN
I’ve been researching diabetes

treatments, prevention and reversal. I think I’ve found a diet and I’ve come up with a treatment plan that could help you and, well, nearly everyone with Type II.

Ashley tries to cut him off, but he’s on a roll.

BEN (CONT’D)
Did you know that with the proper

diet and exercise regime that nearly all Type II can be reversed. Maybe not completely, but so reversed that the majority of side effects and long term effects are slowed or halted. It can’t reverse permanent damage to organs, of course, but with exercise and diet, circulatory problems can be reversed over time. It takes years and years for nerves to regenerate, but I bet even some parts of neuropathy could be reversed if a person worked hard enough at it.

Ashley tries to interrupt again, but gives up, staring at the ceiling or his neck or anything but his eyes in her attempt to get him to stop without actually interrupting him.

82.

BEN (CONT’D)
That’s an area that can use more research and more practitioners.

It’s an area where I could really make a difference. Our country can’t afford all of the medical bills that people with Type II are going to have in the future. It’s an epidemic we have to stop now. Stop and then reverse. Don’t you see, babe? I could make a real difference there.

Ashley doesn’t respond.

BEN (CONT’D) Babe, were you listening?

ASHLEY I’ve been listening.

She kisses him, but it is to silence him, not a sign of affection.

He nods.

ASHLEY (CONT’D) Now will you listen to me?

ASHLEY (CONT’D) Alright. Listen and listen good.

I’ve already found a diet that helps me. I’ve been following it for months. I’ve found an exercise program that works for me. I’ve
been following that for months too. I’ve also had improving fitness, energy and numbers for months. I don’t need you to come in and dictate a new diet and exercise program for me. I’m keeping the one I have that’s gotten me healthy and fit and full

of energy.

BEN But Babe —

She cuts him off with a swat to the shoulder.

ASHLEY
No. No more “But Babe’s”. I’m done

taking medical advice from you. I’m done with your diets, I’m done with your pills and pumps and all of it.

83.

He is dumbstruck.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
I’m not the lovestruck little girl I

was when I fell in love with you in grade school and couldn’t wait to marry you. I don’t need a savior.
I can save myself and I’ve been doing it for months. You need to understand that our relationship has changed. We’re equal partners now. I’ve done more research than you have on all

of this and I know what works for me and for many of the other women at the gym. I know. I don’t need you to sweep in here and treat me like a simple little kid. I’m not exhausted any more like I was for years. I’m not fuzzy brained any more. I’m clear and focussed and in control of my own health and my own well-being. Do you understand?

Ben moves from confused to deflated to lost. He gets out of bed and starts getting dressed.

Ashley takes a deep breath and watches him with lust building in her gaze.

ASHLEY (CONT’D) Babe, you are so sexy when you’re

all humble and unsure. You’d better take off those clothes again because I have a lot more energy than you and I’m ready.

He looks at her, his gaze heats up as he takes in hers and his eyes travel to her body. A slow smile creeps over his face and he reverses course on the clothes.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY BEN stalks into the gym.

JYM
Oh, here we go again.

She heads to her office.
Ben hustles in behind her and shuts the door.

BEN
So Ashley and I had a chat last night

about her diet.

84.

JYM
Good. I hope she told you how well

she’s doing and explained why she didn’t tell you that she didn’t take your diet advice for once and actually lost weight and felt better.

BEN That’s enough!

JYM
No, that’s enough from you. Sit

down. I’ve had enough of your derision and looking down your nose at me. I’ve had enough of your “how can you be overweight and run a gym?” And other snide comments. I quit using your stupid diets and found what worked for me. I found a diet with foods I like that will also let me lose weight without all of the cravings and stupid salads you were always forcing on me. Once side does not fit all and Ashley has found something that fits her. She’s also gone on to find diets that fit the tastes, needs and budgets of numerous people at this gym and they are grateful to her, as am I, for her hard work and constant uplifting messaging about diets and exercise.

Ben tries to break in, but Jym shuts him down with the “stop” hand gesture.

JYM (CONT’D)
We found cost-effective low glycemic

index foods for families with overweight teens that keep them full and don’t leave them with cravings. Snack foods and easy to prepare foods for busy moms. Exercise programs that don’t deplete blood sugar, but do promote muscle growth and bone retention. We put together menus
and shopping lists for people on WIC and SNAP that need help preparing nutritious non-fattening or diet meals for themselves and their families on a very small budget.
And all along, you harped about us getting fat and being a disappointment and needing to lose weight and get healthy.

(MORE)

85.

JYM (CONT’D)
Nothing but negative feedback from

you while Ashley, Cam and I have given our clients uplifting messages of encouragement and appreciation, knowledge and excitement, not downer ego deflating criticism. I’m done listening to you and I hope Ashley is too. Your “I know everything and you know nothing” high and mighty attitude hasn’t helped us at all. We’ve helped ourselves.

Jym pauses and Ben jumps in. Ben stands, hands on hips.

BEN
You’re practicing medicine without a

license counseling people about diet.

JYM
I’m not. I’m practicing nutrition,

something most doctors know a lot less about than I do because I’ve done the research. I’ve walked the walk and I do consult with a doctor and make my clients consult a doctor too before they embark on any diet. You’ve always been the smart one in the family and I’ve always looked up to you, but you might want to take another look at me. I learned from you. I learned to study hard, learn as much as I can, look for the facts and reject the garbage. I’m not your baby sister any more. I don’t need to be rescued by my big strong brother. I’m strong enough on my own. Leave my office.

He stares at her in near disbelief.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 4 First Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that I hadn’t clearly defined these events in my beat sheet and needed to go back and make room for them in the plotting.

INT. JYM’S OFFICE – NIGHT

ACT 4
CAM enters Jym’s office.

CAM You’re been hiding

What’s wrong?

JYM Were you here when

morning?
Cam breaks into a lazy grin.

CAM No, but I heard he

out here all day.

Ben came in this

tried to rip you a new one and Ashley stepped in.

You’re rubbing off on her.

74.

JYM
No, I don’t care about the fact that

he lit into me. It’s that he might be right.

CAM

How so?

JYM
Ben has always been the researcher

in the family. He does everything by the book and researches it to the Nth degree.

CAM
So? Have you done your homework on

the diets?

He gestures to her white board covered with info and the stacks of books and papers on/around her desk.

JYM Yes, you know I did.

CAM
And is it working? Yes, it is. Of

course it is, Jym. Just look at MEMBER1. Ashley. You.

Jym relaxes a little in her chair, but is still unsure.

JYM
People are still having a lot of

problems with the diets, the costs, the time it takes, their families.

CAM So get to work.

Cam does the “you’ve got this” gesture and leaves her office.

INT. JYM’S GYM – MORNING

JYM is doing an early morning workout.

ASHLEY enters the gym and immediately begins her morning straightening and cleaning routine. Jym comes over.

JYM How are you doing?

ASHLEY
Great. I dropped the kids off a few

minutes early so here I am.

75.

JYM
Are you and Ben okay?

Ashley smiles broadly.

ASHLEY
Of course. As long as there’s lust

in the world, Ben and I will be just fine.

JYM No, really.

ASHLEY
We video chatted last night. He

commented that the house was “tidier” than he’d seen it in a while.

JYM
He critiques your housekeeping?

ASHLEY
Never, ever negatively. He would

never complain, but he could tell I’ve been feeling better. My housekeeping is like a window into how I’m doing.

Jym grabs a rag and helps her wipe down some equipment, letting her speak at will.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
You know, I never really noticed

that I was doing more. You know how you don’t notice when things get messy and then one day you go, how did that happen?

JYM
Every time I walk in my office.

They laugh.

ASHLEY
Well after he said that about the

house I looked around and realized that I’ve been doing a lot of picking up and cleaning just while moving around the house. I didn’t get up one day and decide to do spring cleaning or anything, but as I felt better, I started picking up something out of place every time I left a
room or grabbing the vacuum and doing

(MORE)

76.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
a room here an there. I guess when

I started feeling better I started noticing things I should do and just taking care of them — all automatically.

JYM
If you can bottle that, you can make

a fortune. They laugh again.

ASHLEY
I think I’ve lost some more weight —

tomorrow is my weigh-in day — and I know I’ve gained health. No matter what Ben thinks, I’m not going back to that awful PriPack diet — or anything else I don’t pick out myself. I like what I’m doing now.

JYM
I thought you liked the PriPack food.

ASHLEY
I did too until I started eating

fresh whole foods again. I tried one of my PriPack favorites the other day and it tasted awful. Real food only, please.

JYM
Come to the office with me for minute.

INT. JYM’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

ASHLEY How can I help?

JYM
I need help developing and refining

low cost menus and shopping lists that people on SNAP or WIC can afford. Sorting through recipes and finding stuff kids and teens will like takes up more time than most of the clients here can afford.

ASHLEY That sounds like fun.

77.

JYM
I could also use some help putting

together some intro materials and handouts.

ASHLEY
I don’t have to try the recipes, do

I?

JYM
No, you don’t. Some recipes, like

the ones in Mrs. Beeton’s book, give you an idea of how expensive they are — relatively speaking since her prices are about a hundred and

fifty years out of

ASHLEY Yeah, probably not

JYM Others, like these

date.

current.

Trim Healthy Mama books give you an indication of

whether the recipe is pricey or not. The good thing about their cookbooks is that between the two sisters who wrote them, they have seventeen kids.

Ashley is shocked.

JYM (CONT’D)
Yeah. Seventeen. Anyway, all their

recipes are kid-tested and they really do taste good. Like their pancakes? Fabulous! You’d never know they
were packed with protein and very

low glycemic. Plus, they don’t absorb syrup like a sponge so you use less. They’ve got a bunch of things like that.

ASHLEY
So what do you want me to do?

JYM
Basically, find quick and easy recipes —

not too many ingredients and most of them easy to find in the local store. Put together some menus, a list of staples for each menu and then the list of specifics for each recipe so people can decide what they want to make and head for the store without a lot of hassle. Something they can take with them would be great.

78.

ASHLEY
This sounds like fun! I’ve been

looking for more ways to help around here and this way, I can say I’m doing research for you whenever someone catches me reading one of the books.

The chuckle.

MONTAGE BEGIN:

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

This montage shows two months of progress.

JYM works in her office on menus and handouts.

ASHLEY loses more weight for a total of thirty pounds or more by the end of the montage.

MEMBER1 gushes to Ashley after a class.
MEMBER2 is assisted by Ashley at the diet corner. CAM eyes Jym lustily.
Ashley takes a non-glucose-depleting class regularly. Ashley corrects MARTA’s form on one of the machines. MEMBER3 pops her head in Jym’s office

MEMBER3
My kids just love the pancakes and

the goulash too. Those recipes are the best.

Jym smiles and gives a thumbs up.

According to the schedule, Ashley is leading a couple of the classes.

Jym hands Ashley a paycheck. INT. BEN’S OFFICE – NIGHT

BEN’s calendar shows he will spend every weekend for two months at a conference in a different city. Sometimes delivering a paper, others on a panel, others say ‘Meet & Greet’.

Ben has progressively more books, papers and studies in his office as the montage continues.

79.

He pores over books at night, selecting one study after another cited in one of the diet books to peruse.

He greets people with a smile each weekend while standing next to UNCLE JEROME in a different city (per the signage) every weekend.

Ben’s board and notebooks and spreadsheets contain notes with titles like “Efficacy of Method”, “Trial Size”, “Date”, “Diversity of Participants”, “Number of Males”, “Number of Females”, etc. He inspects lengthy package insert material on the PDR website focusing on side effects and long term effects, frowning as he does so.

Ben’s research leads him to trials that support the diets that Jym and Ashley have already found that work. He crosses off the medicines and, in the end, adds to his board:

1. Medications do not stop decline – only slow it.
2. Low carb and low glycemic diets work to reverse it.

3. Exercise that rapidly depletes blood glucose causes blood sugar dips. Low intensity exercise is preferred. — CHECK THIS!!!

MONTAGE END:

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Plot Subtext

Genre: Comedy

Surface: A doctor and his sister, a gym owner, disagree about Type II diabetes management and weight loss…

Major Twist: …so each must learn to disregard their mentor’s teachings to find a way to …

Deeper Meaning: …save the doctor’s wife whose rapidly progressing Type II is threatening her life.

My Plot Subtext:

In the first scene, The doctor’s mentor tells him that he plans to retire in a year and that he will be looking for someone to take over his lucrative clinical trial business. The gym owner is chided by her big brother (her hero/mentor) about her continuing failure to stick to the weight loss diets he has given her.

Ben (the doctor) tries to stop his wife’s Type II progression and she follows his every recommendation to no avail. He is desperately seeking ways to slow the progression with an insulin pump, pricey prepackaged diets, etc. to no avail.

Jym, the gym owner gives up on her brother’s diets and seeks to find the historical diets that kept people slim, seeking to find what has changed as so many of her clientele are heavy and unable to lose weight.

At the midpoint, Ben’s mentor, Uncle Jerome, asks him to come to his city and learn the ropes of the lucrative clinical trial business he has built so he will be ready to take it over when Jerome retires.

As Jym researches and tries various diets that tout blood glucose control as a key to being able to stick to a diet, she tries several and finally finds a 150 year old diet that works for her. She makes all of her research available to her neighborhood gym clients who find most are unworkable for their financial circumstances or family situations.

Ben learns that the clinical trial business focuses on treatment rather than prevention or reversal of diabetes and does his own search through medical studies to find a solution for his wife.

The wife finds her own solution among the gym owner’s diet book collection and thrives on the non-glucose-depleting strength/muscle building exercises – in essence, finding the solution herself.

The gym owner develops menus, strategies and diet resources that make losing weight on a limited income and time including SNAP and WIC recipients so her clientele can make progress.

The doctor finds the medical approach to diabetes — treat symptoms rather than finding diet and exercise regimens that will reverse it — is untenable and a rift with his uncle leaves him without a job.

Jym, Ben and his wife find that their journeys have led them away from blind reliance on their mentors and heroes for solutions. Their own research has led them all to the same resolution for Type II control.

What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes a lot longer and many iterations to shorten a plot subtext statement.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Completed Act 3

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to reread the entire screenplay at some point to sort out where I have repeated myself (or only think I said something to begin with) and where I need to insert at least one subplot I haven’t carried through to date.

I did all of the scenes I had outlined as I worked through the four parts of Act 3 and have already posted them so I have nothing new to add today. This was a catch-up day.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 Turning Point

What I learned doing this assignment is that after using my beat sheet to rearrange and add some scenes, I have some scenes that seem like duplicates between the various parts of Act 3 when I wrote them. I’ll consider this at 20% and will fix it later.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE – DAY
BEN is home and comes into the kitchen.

BEN
Ashley, are you in here?

He opens the fridge and finds her stash of Mrs. Beeton’s biscuits and other foods while the freezer still has a lot of the PriPack foods in it.

He looks in the trash and finds food waste, not PriPack packaging. He mumbles to himself as though talking to Ashley.

BEN (CONT’D)
You’re not eating your food. What’s

going on?
He opens the refrigerator again and checks her insulin stash.

BEN (CONT’D)
The pump readouts were right. This

should have been used up by now. What the heck is going on?

One of the boys comes in the front door and Ben rushes out to him.

63.

BEN (CONT’D) Where’s your mother?

BOY1
Probably at the gym. She usually

is.

BEN
What’s been going on here?

Boy1 rushes to grab his equipment bag and heads for the door again.

BOY1
Nothing. I’ve got to go. Grandma’s

taking me to XYZsport. I’m late. Gotta go.

He stops as he’s closing the door.

BOY1 (CONT’D)
See you later, Dad. Welcome home!

Ben looks around one more time and then rushes out of the house.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

BEN stalks into the gym and motions for Jym to follow him to her office. He slams the door once they are inside.

BEN
How could you give Ashley your stupid

diet? She is under a doctor’s supervision and changing her diet could have very dangerous consequences.

When Jym tries to respond, he continues.

BEN (CONT’D)
I have a good mind to call the bank

and call your loan. I’ll do it if you don’t cease and desist with your diet advice.

ASHLEY creeps in as he is finishing up. He hugs her protectively, but immediately calms down.

Jym pulls the shade and Ashley, still in Ben’s hug, motions for her to leave. She does.

ASHLEY
Jym didn’t give me any diets.

(MORE)

64.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
I wasn’t losing weight on that really

expensive diet and I desperately wanted to try something new.

Now Ben is kissing her cheeks and neck as she gamely continues.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
I begged Jym to help me find a new diet, but she wouldn’t hear of it.

Ashley breaks free a little from Ben’s caresses and locks the door.

INT. JYM’S GYM – MORNING

ASHLEY, bright and cheery, enters the gym and immediately straightens the diet corner materials and begins cleaning the treadmills.

JYM comes out of her office.

JYM
Ashley, what are you doing here? Is

everything okay?

ASHLEY
Everything’s fine. I got Ben calmed

down so you don’t need to worry about his wild threats. You know how he gets.

JYM
So are you back on the PriPack meals?

ASHLEY

Nope.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
The only reason he came home was

because the insulin pump was reporting less insulin used. He’d been hounding Marta to see if there was a problem, but she told him everything was fine. He had to see for himself. He’s

gone back to XYZ.
Jym looks puzzled, but goes back to her office.
INT. JYM’S GYM – NIGHT
As a group of gals leave a class, Jym overhears them.

65.

MEMBER1
Nearly every one of the diets has

people eating salads with a ton of vegetables that are really pricey.

MEMBER2
Right. It’s never the cheap stuff

like carrots or potatoes. Vegetables are really expensive.

MEMBER3
So is meat. My kids wipe out any

meat I have in one sitting. They’re overweight, but I can’t help them lose weight on any of these diets. They’re too hungry.

MEMBER4
I have pre-schoolers and they don’t

really eat vegetables — at least not salad vegetables. They’d rather eat crackers or cookies.

MEMBER3
All of these diets are too expensive

if you have kids. Jym calls to them.

JYM
Can I ask you to do me a favor? Can

you anonymously write down your weekly or monthly food budget – make sure you tell me which it is – how many are in your household and how old they are? There are slips of paper by the suggestion box. If you could jot that down for me — anonymously, like I said — I’ll try to find some diet resources that might actually

be affordable.

MEMBER1
Some of the gals are on SNAP and

some on WIC too, so it isn’t always easy to get the food on the diet.

JYM
Write that down too and then just

slip it in the box. I’ll see what I can do.

Jym is visibly disappointed in the responses.

66.

JYM (CONT’D)
Cam, lock up for me, will you?

CAM Sure thing.

JYM
Ashley and Ben are still in my office.

Don’t lock them in and don’t go in there.

They both laugh.
INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
DOC is in UNCLE JEROME’S office.

BEN
Why are there so many drugs in these

trials that lower A1C and increase insulin production?

UNCLE JEROME
Because that’s where the research

is. New drugs are being developed all the time, you know that. Why are you asking?

BEN
We get paid a lot of money to run

these trials. Why? I mean, why us?

UNCLE JEROME
Because we do it very carefully and

very thoroughly. We keep meticulous records on the diversean representative patients we recruit for the trials.

BEN
Shouldn’t we be finding ways to

prevent Type II and all of its side effects rather than treating symptoms?

UNCLE JEROME
That’s the researchers’ job, not

ours.

BEN And who are they?

UNCLE JEROME I don’t know.

(MORE)

67.

UNCLE JEROME (CONT’D) Son I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but we are just a cog in

the whee of progress and it’s a lucrative and important cog. We’re here to protect people from bad drugs. We do our level best to make sure
any new drug is safe and effective. That’s the job.

Ben contemplates a moment.

UNCLE JEROME (CONT’D) Is everything okay? You haven’t

seen anything amiss in the studies or lacking in our procedures, have you? Because if you have, tell me and I’ll be all over it. I run an honest ship here.

BEN
No, no, not at all. I’m just worried

about Ashley, that’s all.

UNCLE JEROME Understandable.

INT BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN sneaks in the front door of his house and into the bedroom in the dead of night. He slips off his clothes in the hall and drops them on a chair inside of the bedroom. Then he slides into bed with ASHLEY.

BEN Surprise, sweetie.

ASHLEY You’re here?

She throws her arms around him and they kiss.

BEN
I just slipped home for a conjugal

visit. I have to go back tomorrow morning.

ASHLEY Are you serious?

I am.

BEN (MORE)

68.

BEN (CONT’D) (suddenly serious)

You’ve lost more weight, haven’t you? That could signal a serious problem, Ash. Why did Marta or you let me know?

ASHLEY
Don’t be silly. I’ve been working

hard to lose weight.

BEN
You’re sure nothing’s wrong?

ASHLEY Absolutely sure.

He begins to kiss her cheeks and neck.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
I’ve been working out with Cam and

following a diet that Marta approves of.

Ben immediately switches to doctor mode. BEN

What diet?

ASHLEY
The same one Jym’s used to lose nearly

fifty pounds.

BEN
How could you do that without talking

to me first?

ASHLEY
I was struggling with the PriPack –

always hungry in only a couple of hours and craving all kinds of stuff. It was really hard. And you know I hated all those salads and vegetables.

She pauses to caress his shoulder and kiss his neck.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
On this diet, I don’t have to eat

much of that stuff. If’s been saving us a lot of money too.

She kisses him again lustily and pulls him closer. Then pauses.

69.

BEN
No more diet talk tonight. I have

to leave in less than eight hours. They dissolve into lovemaking.

INT. JYM’S GYM – MORNING

BEN stalks into the gym early in the morning. A taxi waits for him outside. MARTA and GYM are working out. They are the only ones in the gym yet.

Ben begins yelling as he strides toward them in the far end of the gym.

BEN
What is wrong with you? I have you

strict instructions that you were NOT to give Ashley any more of you fad diets to try.

JYM
I din’t give it to her. She found

it herself.
Ashley enters the gym and heads for them.

MARTA
I approved of her diet choice –

BEN
Stay out of this. This is a family

matter.

Ben turns back to Jym and Marta grabs her towel and heads to the locker room.

Ashley steps between Ben and Jym.

ASHLEY
I decided what I did and didn’t want

to eat. I told you that last night.

BEN
Stay out of this. This is between

Jym and I.

She pushes between them again and tics things off on her fingers as she speaks

ASHLEY
No it isn’t. It’s between you and

me. I’ve been losing weight. My numbers are good.

(MORE)

70.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
My need for insulin is down – you

saw that in the report from my pump. We’re saving money.

Ben is exasperated and merely waiting for her to finish.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
Don’t you want me to get well? Don’t

you want me to feel good?

BEN Of course I do.

He rounds on Jym again.
BEN (CONT’D)

I’m warning you, Jym. If you don’t cease and desist all this “I’m a diet expert crap, I’ll call the authorities and have you charged with practicing medicine without a license. Do you understand me? Do you?

He stalks toward the door as CAM enters.

BEN (CONT’D) I’m going back to XYZ.

Cam steps back to let Ben pass.

CAM Wow! Should I ask?

JYM
No. It was a family matter between

Ben and me. Even Marta and Ashley aren’t considered family on this one.

Jym strides to her office.

CAM
I don’t understand, you’re his wife.

ASHLEY

Don’t ask.

Cam shrugs and heads for his desk. Ashley picks up a bottle of cleaner and heads to the treadmills.

71.

INT. BEN’S APT. – NIGHT

BEN’s desk in his apartment is littered with printouts of abstracts from studies on diabetes and diet. There aren’t that many. He mumbles to himself as he looks at them.

BEN
Nearly all of these studies are short

term — three months or less. And every one of them says people go back to their old way of eating when the study is over. They just give up on people. Give them drugs, apparently. That’s what they always said in school. “People won’t follow a diet. You can start there if you want, but you’ll end up using meds if you want your patients alive.

BEN (CONT’D)
No one’s seriously trying to control

diabetes with diet anymore. The ADA doesn’t even recommend a diet. They say the dietician should help the patient pick one that fits them. If they picked one that fit them, they’d stick to it. The assumption is that no one will change their diet permanently. No one has the willpower to do that.

Then he jumps up.

BEN (CONT’D)
Ashley. What’s going to happen to

her if she runs out of willpower? She’ll land in the hospital or worse.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

BEN rushes into his office and shuts the door. He calls Jerome and tells him that he had a little crisis at home and will be tied up in his office most of the day. Then he phones Ashley.

BEN
Ash, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have

yelled like that this morning.

ASHLEY No, you shouldn’t.

72.

BEN
We’ll talk tonight, but right now, I

just wanted to ask you what diet you’re on.

ASHLEY (hesitantly)

Banting.

Ben googles “Banting” and comes up with the RealMealRevolution website, among others.

BEN
Which phase are you on?

ASHLEY
Banting doesn’t have phases. You’re

looking at the wrong diet. Look for Banting’s Letter on Corpulence

BEN Letter on corpulence?

ASHLEY
Yes. And read all of it. Banting

was an undertaker. Ben snorts in derision.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
He didn’t come up with the diet.

His doctor gave it to him and he got it from a doctor in Europe who developed it to fight obesity and diabetes. Read the whole pamphlet.

Ashley hangs up to Ben’s surprise. INT. BEN’S OFFICE – LATER

On a whiteboard on the wall of his office, BEN writes out the differences between today’s diabetes approach and that of Dr. Harvey’s mentor, M Bernards. The ADA recommends half the plate should be fruits and vegetables, one fourth protein and one fourth grains. On Banting’s side he has the four meals listed with their proportions in ounces. Then he adds a list of some of the classes of medicines used to control diabetes today. He draws a line of the Banting side. He talks to himself.

BEN
You didn’t have any medicines, M

Bernards, yet you kept people alive and from getting worse with Type II.

(MORE)

73.

BEN (CONT’D)
And this was also a weight loss diet.

Let me see.

He scrambles back to his desk for Ashley’s chart. He flips to a chart of her weight.

BEN (CONT’D)
This is before we started the PriPack,

this is while she was using the PriPack, and this must be when she switched to Banting. That’s amazing. Almost no weight lost.

He flips to the insulin usage chart from the pump.

BEN (CONT’D)
Lots of insulin before the PriPack,

just as much while on PriPack, but the line is smoother except for the Fourth of July. And on Banting, less and less insulin used as she spends more time on the diet.

He flops back in his chair.

BEN (CONT’D) Holy crap. What have I done?

He puts his head in his hands and leans over his desk.

BEN (CONT’D)
What am I doing here? She must hate

me.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 Middle Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that when I’m struggling to get started, it’s usually because there is a structural problem and the easiest way to find the problem is to go back to the beat sheet.

INT. JYM’S GYM – CONTINUOUS

MARTA’s phone rings and she answers. She sees that it’s Ben and leaves the gym to talk.

MARTA Hi, Ben. What’s up?

BEN
You know my Uncle Jerome.

MARTA
Of course. Great guy.

happened, has it?

BEN
Not that way. He wants

the end of the year and take over his practice.

MARTA

Nothing’s

to retire at

wants me to

Great!
She’s noncomittal, waiting to see what he wants.

BEN
He wants me out in XYZ on the

fifteenth.

MARTA Of this month?

BEN
Yeah, but he’s got us booked at all

of these conferences and sessions most weekends through Halloween and I don’t want to move the kids cross- country and then not be there to support them.

MARTA
That makes sense. So what did you

tell him?

BEN
I told him yes today, but I haven’t

talked to Ashley yet. I want to wait until she’s at home and stable before I break the news.

MARTA
That makes sense. What do you need

from me?

BEN
I need you to be her local doctor

when I’m out of town. Check up on her, monitor her blood sugar. You can call me if you need advice.

MARTA
Wouldn’t it be better to have someone

from your practice do that?

BEN
You know Ashley. She won’t have

anyone but me be her doctor, but you’ve always looked after her when I’ve gone to conferences or classes in the past. Will you do this for me? I promise I’ll check in with you as frequently as you want and

I’ll never decline a call from Marta looks around the area, considering

MARTA
I’m not sure. After the scare weekend, do you really want to her to an OB/GYN instead of an

endocrinologist?

you.

her answer.

this trust

BEN
I want to trust her to you because

she’s friends with you and she trusts you and so do I. Please?

MARTA I don’t know.

BEN
You’re our neighbor, we’ve all been

friends all our lives. Pretty please?

MARTA (deep breath)

Alright. I’ll do it.

BEN
Great! I’m going to tell her about

the job tonight or tomorrow night.
I wanted to make sure you were already on board before I break it to her.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

Jym is in her kitchen. Copies of the Noakes Green, Orange and Red sheets are stuck to her fridge with magnets.

She is sitting at the counter reading his book and talking to herself as she munches on a big salad without enthusiasm.

JYM
He keeps saying this is Banting 2.0.

What’s Banting 1.0?

She googles it and comes up with Banting’s Letter on Corpulence. She downloads a copy and starts to read.

We watch her read in a time lapse. She prints out the two pages that contain the menu and the ounces portions of his letter.

Printout in hand, she compares Banting’s diet to the Noakes colored food lists.

JYM (CONT’D)
He says five to six ounces of meat

at dinner and then lists an ounce of toast. He doesn’t say how many ounces of vegetables and fruits. That’s odd. And wow! Two to three glasses of wine. Was this guy an alcoholic? Drinking that much at noon?

She flips to the second page and reads.

JYM (CONT’D)
Hold on, hold on. It says eight ounces solid and eight ounces of

liquid at dinner. The solid is five to six ounces of meat, once ounce of toast and that leaves only one or
two ounces of “solid” — any vegetable except potato – I wonder what he has against them – fruit out of a pudding. I guess that means fresh fruit.

(MORE)

JYM (CONT’D)
So he’s saying only one to two ounces

of fruit or vegetable. That’s not much. Wow! That’s not Noakes’ diet at all! I’d better read the rest of this.

She sits down with the rest of Banting’s letter. EXT. DOC’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben is putting his gear in the car in preparation for his drive to the airport to go to XYZ. Ashley is going to drive him.

BEN No more tears.

ASHLEY
I’m all cried out. I know you have

to go. We’ve always talked about it happening one day. It’s just a little sooner than we planned.

BEN

Good girl.
The boys come out of the house with their book bags.

BEN (CONT’D) One more hug before I go.

They hug, but the boys are clearly embarrassed. BEN (CONT’D)

Off you go!

ASHLEY
Hurry up or you’ll miss the bus.

Ben turns to Ashley.

BEN
How about a real hug?

Ashley smiles. They embrace. They kiss. They head back to the house.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – LATER

Ben is putting himself back together to head to the airport. Ashley is under the covers is obvious dishabille.

BEN
I’ll drive myself to the airport.

ASHLEY
Are you sure? I could be ready in

two minutes.

BEN
Better not risk it. They have those

unisex and family bathrooms in the terminal now. No need to tempt fate.

They laugh.

BEN (CONT’D) Besides, I’m already late for my

flight. Stay where you are. You always look gorgeous after sex.

She is clearly embarrassed and complimented at the same time.

ASHLEY What about the car?

BEN
Spare keys are on the hall table.

I’ll send you a picture of where it is in the parking garage and I’ll leave the ticket in the console. Get Jym to take you.

He leans over the bed for a quick chaste kiss, walks to the bedroom door, looks back.

BEN (CONT’D)
Mmm, mmm, mmm. You are the most

beautiful woman in the room.
Then he leaves quickly and Ashley luxuriates in bed. INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – MORNING

JYM and MARTA are in Jym’s kitchen. Marta is reading the Banting diet pages Jym printed out and Jym is looking up recipes for rusks and biscuits online.

JYM
I wonder what kind of biscuits to

make for this diet. Buttermilk? Bisquik?

MARTA
This is from the 1860s and the guy’s

in London. A biscuit is a cookie over there.

JYM
Wait, this guy had cookies and meat

for breakfast?

MARTA
It looks like it. But you’ve seen

those breakfast biscuits in the cookie aisle of the store, haven’t you?
They don’t come in chocolate chip.

JYM
Let me look for 1860s biscuit recipes.

She googles.

JYM (CONT’D)
Holy cow. There’s a whole 1860s cookbook online. Mrs. Beeton’s

Book of Household Management. MARTA

Expensive?

JYM Free download.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – LATER
MARTA and JYM are poring over the cookbook.

She has everything in this cookbook! I’ve got a bottle of lemon peel. How about I make the lemon cookies.

MARTA What’s in them?

JYM
A pound of flour. How much is that?

Marta googles.

Four cups.

MARTA

JYM
Would she have had white flour back

then?

MARTA
I think that was cake flour back

then. Regular flour was whole wheat and probably stone ground.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – EVENING JYM is on the phone with MARTA.

JYM
I just ate supper. Four ounces of

roast beef. I did have a little

wine at

of wine

ounces.

Are you

dinner. Apparently, a glass in those days was three

MARTA
ready to binge yet?

JYM
Surprisingly, no. It didn’t look

like much, but it was really good and it was filling. I’m going to pack up what I’ll need for meals tomorrow.

MARTA
You spent all day making biscuits

and rusks?

JYM
Not all day, but a significant part

of it. I picked up some stone ground whole wheat at the store so I used that for some really plain biscuits that you cut out with a cookie cutter and some rusks that actually have yeast in them. Mine aren’t totally crisp, but they’re good enough.

MARTA

Tasty?

JYM
I could get used to them. The crispy

biscuits take so long to eat that I’m definitely not hungry by the tame I’m done.

MARTA
Maybe that’s part of why this diet

worked for Banting. By the time you finished eating the regular meal, the message has already reached your brain that you’ve eaten.

JYM
Hey, as long as it works.

INT. UNCLE JEROME’S GUESTROOM – NIGHT BEN and ASHLEY are on a video call.

BEN
I’m all settled into the guest room

here and Uncle Jerome had a whole stack of research papers for me to read.

ASHLEY Are they boring?

BEN
No, but I’m beat. I told Jerome I’d

bring them to the office tomorrow and read them there and he told me he already has a stack at the office that’s twice as tall. These were ones he thought I should read at home.

ASHLEY Sounds like med school.

BEN

CAM joins JYM in her office.

CAM
You’ve been holed up here all day.

What’s up?

JYM
Sit down. I’ve been reading about

the Banting diet all day. Noakes’ book on the keto diet is supposed to be Banting 2.0, but the food lists are way closer to a regular keto diet than they are to Banting.

CAM What do you mean?

Jym moves from her desk chair to the chair next to him so they can look at her printouts together.

JYM
See the list of foods?

It does. INT. JYM’S GYM – NIGHT

CAM
All vegetables except potatoes.

What’s he got against potatoes?

JYM
He clarified that in a later version

of the letter. Potatoes are the
only root vegetable that he likes. His ‘except’ list should include beets, carrots, parsnips — basically, all of the other root vegetables.

CAM
Okay. He’s got other vegetables and

salad greens, though, right? That doesn’t seem too different. Fruits, too. Banting has bread and Noakes doesn’t.

JYM
Yeah, that’s not where the biggest

difference is, though. It’s in the quantities.

Jym grabs a sheet from the printer where she’s made a table of foods and amounts for each meal.

JYM (CONT’D)
Noakes says anything with gluton is

off the table while beans are OK. Banting says just the opposite. No beans, but toast, rusks and biscuits.

CAM
So this Noakes guy is a fraud?

JYM
Not at all, it turns out. Banting

is now a verb that means dieting.
So his Banting 2.0 is his version of a diet. It’s Keto, but like everyone else’s keto and low carb diets I’ve looked at, it is just that – low carb.

CAM
So what about the real Banting diet?

JYM
The original diet from 1862 limits

quantities and allows some nice crunchy bread items. You know, that’s something I missed a lot when I was doing keto.

(MORE)

JYM (CONT’D)
Not bread, per se, but crunchy bread

like toast and bread sticks. They’re allowed on Banting’s original diet, but EVERYTHING in the original diet had limited amounts. Very specific amounts.

CAM
So are you going to try it?

JYM
This is my second day on it and so

far, it’s been effortless. No cravings, no compulsion to eat.

CAM
Wait, what’s all this wine? Are you

drunk? Is that why the diet is so easy?

JYM
No, not at all. I had one glass of

wine last night with supper. One three ounce glass. You know that half of one of those little bottles that comes in a four-pack?

CAM That’s not much.

JYM
I know. It was enough. I didn’t

want anything else the rest of the night.

CAM
Great. You’re glowing, you know

that? I love to see you excited about this stuff.

JYM All right, get out.

Jym laughs, but pushes him to the door anyway.

He looks disappointed and a little irritated.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN surprised the family with a brief weekend trip home. ASHLEY and the BOYS are in the living room when he comes in.

BEN

I’m home!

BOYS

Dad!

He hugs the boys and then hugs Ashley, giving her more than a mere welcome home kiss.

BEN
Don’t tell anyone I’m home. I have

to leave early Sunday morning and I want to have plenty of time with you rather than spending it with all of the relatives.

The boys give one another a knowing look and an eye roll. INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – MORNING
BEN and ASHLEY are lazing in bed after a round of lovemaking.

BEN
I’m glad you’re still eating the

PriPack food. Is it good?

ASHLEY
Sure. They have a lot of choices.

BEN
You should see the clinical trials

we’re doing right now. We’re testing one new drug that’s supposed to control blood sugar systemically — it’s a pill.

(he kisses her cheek)
Another one amps up the body’s ability to make insulin.

(he kisses her neck)
And another one promotes satiety.

He kisses her on the lips and rolls toward her. Ashley breaks free after the kiss.

ASHLEY What’s satiety?

BEN
It’s feeling satisfied.

ASHLEY
I’m never satisfied with you.

He kisses her deeply.
BEN

Really?

ASHLEY Well, not for long.

They laugh and fall into one another again.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

MONTAGE BEGIN:

JYM looks on as the books in her diet corner are taken, returned, flipped open, bookmarked, etc.

A week later, various gym members tell her the following:

MEMBER1
I really liked the XYZ diet, but the

produce costs so much. I used up all my birthday money getting started on it and now the veggies are rotting in my fridge. Too much prep time.

MEMBER2
Why do they sell everything in such

big quantities. It’s just me and I can’t eat all that in a week. I end up throwing half of everything I buy.

MEMBER3
This is the best and easiest diet

I’ve ever tried! I love it and I’ve lost seven pounds in the past two weeks!

MEMBER4 I tried this on

(waving a book)
And after about three days, I went on an awful binge and ate a can of potato chips I found in the back of my cupboard. I was so hungry for some crunchy, salty chips.

JYM takes notes and head to her office to do more research. INT. JYM’S GYM – TWO MONTHS LATER
ASHLEY cleans the treadmills while she talks to JYM.

JYM
You spend so much time here these

last few months I feel like I should (MORE)

JYM (CONT’D)
pay you. Really, you don’t have to

help. Cam and I can do it.

ASHLEY
I love coming here. I’m always alone

at home while the boys are in school and it helps pass the time while Ben’s gone.

JYM How’s he doing?

ASHLEY
Good. Busy. He comes here whenever

he gets a weekend off, but it’s only been once a month. Jerome has them traveling to conferences and seminars nearly every weekend.

JYM
Wow! How are you holding up?

ASHLEY
OK, I guess, but I haven’t lost any

weight in a couple of months. You look amazing. Can I try your diet?

JYM
Oh, I don’t think so, Ash. Ben would

have a fit.

Jym heads to her office to get away from Ashley. MARTA follows her.

MARTA
Hey, a couple of times a week,

Ashley’s been trying to convince me she should try your diet. I’ve been saying no way. Are we in agreement on that?

JYM
Absolutely. I don’t want to be

responsible for another blood sugar episode. Especially not with Ben out of town.

MARTA
Good. Just wanted to make sure we’re

on the same page.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint

What I learned doing this assignment is that I naturally fill in the extra scenes as I’m outlining the key scenes and it slows me down. It all evens out in the end.

INT. JYM’S OFFICE – DAY
JYM and MARTA are in Jym’s office.

JYM
Ashley’s still in the hospital.

They haven’t figured out exactly what triggered her collapse.

MARTA
Wasn’t it just her blood sugar

spiking?

JYM
Yes, but they’re not sure why such a

small amount of extra carb would get such a wild response in her readings.

MARTA
She’s been on some sort of diet food,

right?

JYM
PriPack – a really pricey pre-packaged

food the doctors in Ben’s office all prescribe.

MARTA What’s in those?

Jym googles the PriPack foods and they look at the ingredients.

JYM
There aren’t many sugars in them.

MARTA
No, but the carbs are highly processed

which means they start to turn to blood sugar while they’re still in your mouth. They’re at least as dangerous as sugar.

JYM
Could that cause her blood sugar to

vary a lot?

MARTA
Absolutely. It could be part of the

reason her pump and sensor have been so sensitive.

(MORE)

38.

MARTA (CONT’D)
People don’t realize that just because

your pump gives you the insulin you need to keep your blood sugar steady, that doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want. All it means is that your pump is working overtime to keep things steady.

JYM
But surely the doctors that prescribe

this stuff must know how it affects blood sugar.

MARTA
Maybe. Maybe if the product works

okay for people who have insulin pumps they don’t look any further.

JYM What are you saying?

MARTA
This kind of food with fast carbs

will have her body react to the carbs with a blood sugar spike and then an insulin spike to get rid of the excess blood sugar. Once that’s been taken care of, her body will burn up stored glucose –

JYM
That the insulin just caused to be

stored

MARTA
Right. And then, when that’s gone,

her body will try to make it’s own blood glucose from stored fat.

JYM

Ketosis.

MARTA
Yes, although technically, ketosis

is when that’s the primary source of blood glucose.

JYM

Right.

MARTA
Has Ashley complained about being

super-hungry before each meal.

39.

JYM
Yes. She’s super-human in the

willpower department. I don’t know how she’s stuck to this. She said she hadn’t lost much weight.

MARTA
No wonder. Her body’s been jerked

from one energy source to the other after every meal. No wonder a few extra carbs sent her into a tailspin. Poor kid!

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY
BEN is in his office. DOC1 stops in.

DOC1
I heard about the wife’s health

trouble. How’s she doing?

BEN
She’s still in the hospital. They’re

running more tests today to verify the pump is working correctly and see what’s going on with her glucose levels.

DOC1
I hope they get it sorted. Keep us

posted!
He does a quick thumbs up and leaves.

Ben ponders the offer letter from his uncle.

He looks at the wall chart. Stands and looks it over more closely.

He makes up his mind and returns to his desk to call his uncle.

BEN
Uncle Jerome, I’m accepting the offer.

I don’t

Ashley.

I did. me in.

Right.

know if you heard about

UNCLE JEROME
Your Mama called me and filled Another day of tests, right?

BEN (MORE)

40.

BEN (CONT’D)
I’ve been thinking it over this

morning and I think I need to take you up on the offer, but I’m not going to move Ashley and the kids until later. That’s too much stress on her. She’s just not up to a move.

UNCLE JEROME
They can take their time. It’ll be

easier if they’re not here at first anyway. You’re going to have a lot to read up on and it’s conference season so we’ll be on the road on weekends. You can Zoom or FaceTime or whatever with them if you have time, but I’m going to be keeping you very busy.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY
JYM and CAM are in her office.

JYM
Now, more than ever, I understand

how important it is to prevent people from getting Type II. Nobody should be going through what Ashley does day after day. I really think our mission here is to help people avoid Type II. To help them lose weight now and get their blood sugar under control before it gets to Type II.

CAM
Agreed. How do we do that?

JYM
I’ve got a LOT of diet information

here — more than most people are likely to invest in when they have kids and a family to think of. I’m thinking of creating a library corner with a couple of chairs and a little bookcase for these. What do you think?

CAM That sounds good.

JYM
I’m going to run it by Marta too and

I’m advising anyone starting a new diet to check with their doctor first.

41.

CAM Always good advice.

JYM
We’ve got some of our heavier clients

who don’t work out at all that need a more formal program. We show them exercises they can do when they join, of course.

CAM
The free hour with a personal trainer.

JYM
Right. But they don’t last long

because they’re on their own and it’s not fun. They keep looking at the other clients and comparing themselves to people who have always been more fit.

CAM

Right.

JYM
I’m putting together some simple

exercise classes for them so they
can bond a little, share successes, you know, that kind of thing. Take
a look and let me know what you think.

CAM

I will.

CAM (CONT’D)
We can exchange. Here are the new

blood sugar routines you had me put together. They’re not aerobic anymore, but include walking between sets rather than doing aerobics of some kind. Try them out and see if they’re what you were looking here.

JYM
Thanks, I will. I’ll miss your Fat-

Busting class, but my willpower has been thriving since I stopped doing it.

CAM
You realize that very few of your

clients will continue with our old classes if you put these new ones out there.

42.

JYM
I do, but we’re here to serve our

clientele, not impress bodybuilders. Cam gives Jym a long lazy look.

CAM
You’re impressing the hell out of

one right now. It’s not wonder I’m crazy about you.

She just laughs and shoos him from her office. Then she settles in to read his new workouts.

INT. JYM’S GYM – CONTINUOUS
Cam walks away from Jym’s office shaking his head. Marta is walking by and stops him.

MARTA
Why so glum? Did you gain a pound?

Cam chuckles ruefully.

CAM
I can’t figure her out.

MARTA Do you want to talk?

CAM

Yeah.
They head over to his desk and take a seat.

CAM (CONT’D)
Where to start…You know that Jym

and I were in the service at the same time, right?

Yeah, you

same gym.

MARTA
guys worked out at the

CAM
had a serious crush on her she always just laughed at

Right. I
then, but
me. I didn’t flirt with her then because she was an officer and I was enlisted.

And now?

MARTA

43.

CAM
If I do or say things that I think

are flirting, she just laughs at me. You guys are friends. Am I a big joke to her?

MARTA
No, let me see if I can explain it.

Ever since she got out of the service and packed on some weight, her brother –

CAM The doctor?

MARTA
Yep. He’s let her know ho

unattractive she’s become because of the extra weight.

CAM
But that’s not true. She’s still

smokin’ hot.

MARTA
Unfortunately, she thinks it true.

CAM
How can I convince her it’s not?

More compliments?

MARTA
It’s not that easy. She always said

that while you two were in the service, it was common practice for guys in the gym to make remarks like I’ve see you do to her — compliments that I think you mean — but that the guys at the gym didn’t mean personally.

CAM
I always meant what I said. I still

do.

MARTA
I believe you, but she spent her years in the military steeling herself against comments guys make in the gym about women’s bodies – hers in particular.

CAM
So what should I do?

MARTA
How is she when you’re not in the

gym? What does she say then when you compliment her?

CAM
We never see each other outside the

gym.

MARTA
That might just be your problem.

Marta gives him a wink and a smile and leaves.

INT. JYM’S GYM – CONTINUOUS

MARTA’s phone rings and she answers. She sees that it’s Ben and leaves the gym to talk.

MARTA

Hi, Ben. What’s up?

BEN
You know my Uncle Jerome.

MARTA
Of course. Great guy. Nothing’s happened, has it?

BEN

Not that way. He wants to retire at the end of the year and wants me to take over his practice.

MARTA

Great!

She’s noncomittal, waiting to see what he wants.

BEN
He wants me out in XYZ on the fifteenth.

MARTA

Of this month?

BEN
Yeah, but he’s got us booked at all of these conferences and sessions most weekends through Halloween and I don’t want to move the kids cross- country and then not be there to support them.

MARTA
That makes sense. So what did you tell him?

BEN
I told him yes today, but I haven’t talked to Ashley yet. I want to wait until she’s at home and stable before I break the news.

MARTA
That makes sense. What do you need from me?

BEN
I need you to be her local doctor when I’m out of town. Check up on her, monitor her blood sugar. You can call me if you need advice.

MARTA
Wouldn’t it be better to have someone from your practice do that?

BEN
You know Ashley. She won’t have anyone but me be her doctor, but you’ve always looked after her when I’ve gone to conferences or classes in the past. Will you do this for me? I promise I’ll check in with you as frequently as you want and I’ll never decline a call from you.

Marta looks around the area, considering.

MARTA
I’m not sure. After the scare weekend, do you really want to her to an OB/GYN instead of an endocrinologist?

BEN
I want to trust her to you because she’s friends with you and she trusts you and so do I. Please?

MARTA I don’t know.

BEN
You’re our neighbor, we’ve all been friends all our lives. Pretty please?

MARTA (deep breath)

Alright. I’ll do it.

BEN
Great! I’m going to tell her about the job tonight or tomorrow night.
I wanted to make sure you were already on board before I break it to her.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Has Completed Act 2 Draft 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I missed typos, but got most of the information correct. I still need a lot more witty conversation in the act, but that’s won’t happen until later drafts.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 Midpoint

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m going to need to inject a lot of comedy in a scene with this much drama.

EXT. PARK – DAY

The family is gathering in a park for the 4th of July celebration. The same group gathered for Christmas (except Uncle Jerome) are here with hampers, coolers, tablecloths and rowdy children, including ASHLEY and BEN. JYM joins them with a small cooler of her own.

Ashley brandishes her prepackaged food toward Jym.

ASHLEY
I’ve been on this diet for three months already.

JYM
Are you tired of it?

ASHLEY
No, it’s really good and they have a lot of different ones to choose from, but it’e really pricey. We’ve spent a fortune on it.

JYM
You know Ben would spend anything to keep you healthy. Ashley looks down.

ASHLEY
I know that, but I haven’t lost hardly any weight on this food.

JYM Really? Why not?

ASHLEY
I don’t know. I haven’t cheated once, but it’s like the weight is superglued to me and there’s no getting rid of it.

JYM

I’m so sorry.

ASHLEY
You’ve been losing weight, though, haven’t you?

JYM
Yes, but I’ve also been teaching classes and working out with people nonstop for the last six months. Don’t tell anyone else, but Cam is a slave driver and I feel like I have to keep up or he won’t respect me.

ASHLEY
I think Cam’s crazy about you.

JYM
It’s just a joke between us. On post, all of the guys talked that way to any gal in the gym. It’s there way of showing one another how hot they are to their women back home.

ASHLEY
But Cam’s back home now – and hot.

Jym deliberately misunderstands and waves a paper plate as a fan.

JYM
It is hot out here today.

ASHLEY
That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.

JYM
Let’s eat. I think they have everything set up.

Jym eyes the prepackaged meal as she gets up from the table.

JYM (CONT’D)
Oh, I’m sorry Ashley. I forgot.

ASHLEY
It’s actually okay. Ben said I could have 2 tablespoons each of my three favorite things as long as I ate them twenty minutes apart so I’m going to be stretching out this meal instead of eating fast like you and the boys.

JYM
I don’t know what their excuse is, but in the Army it was eat fast or leave half your food. There was no time for manners and decorum.

Ashley moves along the picnic table laden with food and picked up only two small spoons of Mama’s potato salad.

JYM (CONT’D) That doesn’t look like two tablespoons. You should take a little more.

ASHLEY
Oh, believe me, it is. I’ve practiced

at home for the last week figuring out how what two tablespoons of lumpy stuff like potato salad, fluffy, chocolatey stuff like Aunt Nelly’s chocolate dessert and my own baked beans looks like on a spoon and on my plate. That’s my three things and I’ll have to come back for the other two.

JYM
If it looks like anyone’s going to

finish off Aunt Nelly’s dessert, I’ll grab you some.

EXT. PARK – LATER

The younger half of the family are playing volleyball while the older half dozes in lawn chairs behind the protective fence as they pretend to watch.

ASHLEY starts to weave a little in her chair. JYM and BEN keep a watchful eye on her as they play on opposite teams.

Ashley slumps over sideways, her arms limp, her head lolling forward.

JYM Ben!

Jym yells and instantly they both run to Ashley.

BEN
(in doctor mode)

Call 9-1-1.

Jym calls. Ben lifts his wife’s slumped body in his arms
and carries her to the nearest empty picnic table, laying
her gently on top. He hands Jym his keys and takes her phone.

BEN (CONT’D)
I’ll talk to them, get me my bag.

Speaking into the phone.

BEN (CONT’D) Yes, this is Dr. Ben Walker.
I have a thirty-nine year old white female in a diabetic coma. I need
an ambulance stat at the West entrance to central park. I’ll have my sister meet you at the entrance. She’ll direct you to us.

Ben puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the table. Jym runs up with the bag and he sets to work doing a finger stick on Ashley.

The rest of the family stands around in stunned silence.

LITTLE CHILD Is she dead, Mommy?

MOTHER
Shh…no. She’s just not feeling well.

JYM
Mama, get everybody back so Ben can work. Come on, everyone.

BEN
I told them you’d meet them at the west entrance.

JYM
Okay. Is she going to be okay?

Ben, fingers shaking, puts the test strip in the tester.

BEN
God, I don’t know. We’ve had to keep a close eye on things since we got the insulin pump. It doesn’t always dispense the right amount. I think it must be the glucose sensor. God, these meters take forever to run a simple test.

The siren sounds in the distance.

JYM Is it bad?

BEN
I’ve never seen her out like this. Go. Go now and get them here quick. Mama, take care of the boys. Jym, take care of our car.

The siren gets louder.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 Middle Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that writing only the key scenes has left me a lot of leeway page-wise to add in subplots and steps in the subplot to move that forward too. I suspect I’ll add those in a subsequent writing pass.

INT. JYM’S OFFICE – NIGHT

JYM is contemplating an hour by hour diary of what she ate and what she did that that week.

We see that within an hour of the Cam’s Fat-Busting class, she either breaks her diet (at something sweet or chips) or was suffering from cravings that required all her willpower.

MARTA enters the office.

MARTA
What are you looking so worried about?

JYM
Not worried, but – look at this. Why am I so incredibly hungry an hour after his class?

MARTA
Because your blood sugar is low.

Once your body rests a little, it screams at your to get something to boost your blood sugar. (smiling)
It looks like most of the time you do.

JYM That sucks!

MARTA
That’s why Cam doesn’t allow anyone with diabetes to take that class.

JYM
But what about the rest of us? Does he know how hard it is after class?

MARTA
Nearly everyone taking the class is doing the keto diet, right? You are, right?

JYM
Right, so my blood sugar should be replaced by ketosis and I shouldn’t be getting these cravings.

MARTA
Are you sure you’re in ketosis?

It’s hard for women to get there.

JYM
Well, I pee on the strips, but they almost never turn the right color in the time limit they give. I thought maybe they were old or I just wasn’t doing it right.

MARTA
I’ll help you check. I’ll recommend a glucose monitor for you. Test yourself before and after the class.

JYM Okay.

MARTA
Do you need instructions?

JYM
I’ve been watching Ashley do it for

years. If I need any help, I’ll just call her.

MARTA Good girl.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben consults his wife’s chart and his Type II decline wall chart.

PARTNER1 comes into his office.

PARTNER1
You had a question for me?

BEN
Yeah, sit down, sit down. I have a

client whose glucose levels still aren’t stable even with a pump. What’s next?

26.

PARTNER1 grabs a pad of sticky notes and writes a product name.

PARTNER1
What kind of diet compliance are you

getting?

BEN
Not great, actually.

PARTNER1
They usually claim compliance.

BEN
I’ve had her keep a log of what she’s eaten and she generally confesses to cheating before each out of control episode. The problem is, it takes so little to get her out of control.

PARTNER1 Meter problems?

BEN
We’ve been on the phone with the company a bunch of times, but can’t see anything wrong.

PARTNER1
Finger stick or continuous testing?

BEN
We went to both when we started having

problems.

PARTNER1 That’s a tough one.

They sit in silence for a beat.

PARTNER1 (CONT’D)
I’d go with this if a patient reaches –

He positions the note farther down the chart’s slope from the insulin pump.

PARTNER1 (CONT’D) Here. That’s about all you can do.

BEN
That’s the prepackaged diet, right?

Right.

PARTNER1

27.

BEN Pricey?

Very.

PARTNER1

BEN
Of course. Thanks.

PARTNER1
That’s what I’m here for. Good luck.

BEN
I have a feeling we’re going to need it.

Ben pulls the sticky off the chart and goes back to his desk. He googles it and groans when he sees the price.

BEN (CONT’D)
That’s outrageous. It had better work.
He pushes the ‘Order’ button.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 2 Reaction to TP1

What I learned doing this assignment is that my beat sheet is extremely important in keeping me on track and a great way to reorganize things quickly and easily if I decide something needs to be added or moved.

INT. JYM’S OFFICE – NIGHT

CAM and JYM are in her office after the gym closes. Jym is pondering her white board in her office.

JYM
I’ve been on the Banting diet for

two weeks. The first week, I drank glasses of wine with each meal where Banting did. Where he would have two, I’d have one – and by one glass I mean three ounces so not enough to move the Breathalyzer by much.

CAM
Did you lose weight?

JYM
A few pounds, exactly the way the

pamphlet said I would. CAM

So?

JYM
So I felt like I was about to binge

every afternoon after Tea.

CAM You drink tea?

JYM
No, it’s like an after school snack.

Two to three ounces of fruit and a rusk or two.

CAM What’s a rusk?

JYM
Very dry bread, but small.

CAM
Two to three ounces of fruit is

nothing.

JYM
It’s about two thirds of an orange

or a few grapes or part of an apple. CAM

Nothing.

JYM
Why do people binge?

14.

CAM
I don’t know. I eat all day every

day and I look like this. JYM

Show off!
INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN and ASHLEY are getting changed for bed, but stop for a quick canoodle.

ASHLEY
I’ve been so tired this week. I

thought it was just the holidays last week, but I’ve been exhausted all week.

She rests her head on his shoulder and he caresses her shoulder.

BEN
How have your numbers been?

ASHLEY
Better than they were after eating

at hour mom’s over the holidays, but not good.

He holds her close, looking worried.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
Ben, is there anything we can do?

He thinks long and hard, then speaks.

BEN
I think we’ll get you an insulin

pump. That may help. Ashley pulls back, startled.

ASHLEY
You always said they were for

diabetics that were on their way downhill in a hurry. Are you saying –

He holds her close. Fiercely.

BEN
No. No, honey. I’m not saying that.

I just think one of the newer pumps could level out your insulin levels so you’re not so tired all the time.

15.

He kisses her hair, cheeks and neck. She looks at him with complete trust.

ASHLEY You’re sure?

BEN

I’m sure.

He holds her close again, but tears come to his eyes.

INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN, in pajamas, looks at a copy of his wall chart. The cursor is on the insulin pump on the slope.

ASHLEY comes out of the bathroom in a nightgown and Ben quickly closes the computer and gets up to put his arms around her.

ASHLEY
I was afraid my pj bottoms would

catch the edge of the bandage and pull out my port so I’m wearing this to bed.

BEN
Hmmm… better access for me

ASHLEY You’re incorrigible.

BEN And you love it.

ASHLEY

I do.

BEN
(in doctor mode)

Are you in any pain?

ASHLEY
No. Well, only if I bump it or

stretch too much.

BEN (caressing and kissing

her)
So marital bliss is off the table tonight?

ASHLEY
Not if you’re on top if me.

16.

BEN Adventure awaits.

He ushers her to the bed. She jumps in, giggling and eager.

ASHLEY
This is going to help me not be so

tired, right?

BEN
It should. Are you too tired for

adventure?

ASHLEY

Never.
He shuts off the lamp and climbs in bed.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

JYM is sitting in her office, glumly looking over her Banting menu and journal. CAM pauses outside her office and then enters with a grin on his face.

CAM Why so glum?

JYM
I’ve worked my way up to the

Observation and Restoration phases of Noakes’ diet plan, but all there is to eat are these green list foods.

CAM
This stuff looks great. What’s so

hard about it?

JYM
Most stuff on the list is expensive

and comes in quantities meant for families, not one person. Plus, I’m sick of salads and vinegar and fermented soy sauce. Half the stuff I buy goes to waste.

CAM
Yeah, but you’re losing weight, right?

JYM
It’s not easy. No one else is going

to be able to do this — not with real food in the house for their families.

17.

CAM
Do you have real food?

JYM

No.

CAM What’s the real hate to see you

problem here? I so miserable.

JYM
I did your fat-busting workout today.

CAM
Great, huh? Really revs up your

metabolism.

JYM
It revved up my appetite and cravings.

I loved it while I was doing it, but it was murder afterwards.

JYM (CONT’D)
I ate about three times the food I

was supposed to and cheated and had some leftover Orange List oranges and carrots. I almost nuked a potato too.

CAM But you didn’t.

Jym heaves a sigh.

CAM (CONT’D)
Skip the fat-busting workouts. You

don’t need to lose weight. You’re already gorgeous.

Cam sweeps a lusty glance over her, grins broadly, taps on the door jamb as he leaves the office, glancing back over his shoulder before stepping out of sight to see if she’s watching him. She is.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

It’s now spring. BEN is in his office with a couple of his colleagues.

BEN
My clients are struggling to stick

with the diet. How do you keep your folks motivated? I’m thinking my pep talks may be inferior in some way.

18.

them on

What do

Make it

He reaches in his prescription pad.

their way.

BEN you mean?

DOC2
easy for them to follow.

pocket and pulls out a pre-filled-out

DOC1
Brenda at the desk for pads

DOC1
Are they losing weight?

BEN
Not like your clients. I can see

that your folks have lost weight. DOC2

Not yours?

BEN
Some have, but most aren’t. They

say the diet is too hard.

DOC1
Recommend a different diet, give

them their prescriptions and send

Ask the
for each of these. They’re numbered so get these back to me.

Ben looks wary, but picks up the prescription papers.

DOC2
Either one of those will help your

folks stick with the diet. They’ll love you for it.

BEN
These could be dangerous for some of

my clients.

DOC1
Not as dangerous as their obesity.

The two docs agree with each other and head out the door. Ben ponders the scrips.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY
A few more weeks have passed.

19.

JYM has lost about twenty pounds so her weight loss is obvious to some of her clients. They follow her to her office.

CLIENT1 What’s your secret?

CLIENT2
I want your diet. If you can do

this then maybe I can too. CLIENT1

Spill.

JYM
I just cut down on servings and I’ve

been exercising a lot. Cam’s fat- busting workout rocks.

CLIENT1
Not going to tell us, huh? Okay.

We’ll find out on our own.

They leave her office. MARTA has been listening outside to the conversation and enters.

MARTA
What have you been doing?

JYM

This.

She pulls up the Noakes’ Banting Diet info and shows it to Marta.

JYM (CONT’D)
I haven’t shared it because the foods

can get expensive, aren’t things we usually eat so I had to go to the pricey grocer to get some things and most of the gals can’t afford it – not with families to feed. Plus, it takes a while to prep all of the veggies and cook ahead.

MARTA
I don’t see ranch dressing on the

list anywhere. No fast food either. JYM

Exactly.

MARTA
You know what else I don’t see?

(MORE)

20.

MARTA (CONT’D)
How dangerous this diet could be for

someone on insulin if they’re not being monitored closely. This is a keto diet and that drastically changes the metabolism You don’t want to do this without medical supervision if you’re taking any medications and most of these gals are, I’m guessing.

JYM
Yet another reason why I can’t tell

them how I’m losing weight.

MARTA
This could be problematic.

Marta gives Jym “the stare”.

JYM
I haven’t shared it. I won’t.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
ASHLEY and BEN are snuggled in bed.

ASHLEY
I had a really good day today. I

got so much done. Thank you for the pump.

BEN
I’m glad it’s helping. You had a

good day?

ASHLEY
I did. I got groceries, went to the

gym for a yoga class, went to the boys’ soccer practice, spring cleaned the downstairs bath and swept the patio.

BEN
That’s a lot considering how tired

you were before. I’m glad it’s helping.

ASHLEY
I’m so glad I have you to take care

of me. You’re my guardian angel.

Ben pulls her in closer, but looks desperately around the room, feeling guilty.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Finished Act 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had already added the missing scenes in my outline before I did the three previous assignments. I didn’t change anything at this time, but may when I find missing setup scenes required for Act 2

I won’t repost the whole thing here since I didn’t make any changes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s First Turning Point

What I learned doing this assignment is that some scenes write themselves and others have to be tortured onto the page. The quality is 20% either way. 🙂

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – EVENING

A printed copy of Banting’s Letter on Corpulence is on JYM’s counter. Several bags of food are on the counter. As she unpacks the food, she chats with MARTA.

JYM
I’ve got a beef roast that should do

me a couple of days, some nice trout for tonight — I’ll cook both fillets tonight and have one for lunch tomorrow. I wonder if fish reheats well?

MARTA
I’ve never had good luck with that.

It’s better in a salad.

JYM
Bacon for breakfast — I’ll cook it

all tomorrow so I don’t have to deal with bacon grease every day. I wonder if these breakfast biscuits are what he would have had? He’s British so

a biscuit could have been anything.

MARTA
Check Mrs. Beeton’s cookbook.

JYM

Whose?

MARTA
It was a cookbook put out in 1840.

You can find it free online. It has tons of recipes from that time period so you should be able to find something appropriate.

JYM And it’s free?

MARTA
Free. Keep in mind, when they say

flour, they mean stone ground whole wheat.

(MORE)

10.

MARTA (CONT’D)
White flour like we have today would

have been fancy cake flour back then and may not have been available at all. The average housewife wouldn’t have been able to afford it.

JYM
Okay, I’ll look up recipes for

biscuits and rusks.

MARTA
Where are the vegetables? You mostly

bought meat.

JYM
If you read what he said he ate and

look at the total amounts of solids on the next page, it looks like fruit and vegetables were more like garnishes than big servings.

MARTA
None at breakfast. Five to six ounces

of meat, an ounce of dry toast and a total of 8 ounces of solids for the meal. That means he would only eat one to two ounces of fruit or vegetables. That’s nothing.

It’s a

You’re

fiber?

JYM garnish.

MARTA
right. Where did he get his

JYM
Must have been the bread, biscuit

and rusks.

MARTA
Definitely use stone ground flour

and make them yourself.

JYM
He has two or three ounces of fruit

for tea. I’m thinking that’s an afternoon snack now.

MARTA
It is here. In England, who knows.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Wow! He’s drinking a LOT of wine.

11.

JYM
That’s what I thought at first too,

but if you look a couple of paragraphs later where he talks about the Balm of Life, he tells how much solid and liquid he has. A glass of wine back then must have only been about 3 ounces. He wasn’t drunk all the time.

They laugh at that and continue to put away the food.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

In a montage of attentively listening clients, BEN is giving them all the same speech about diet and exercise. He quotes the ADA diet.

BEN
All of this information is available

on the National Institute of Health’s National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases website. Go there, read up.

BEN (CONT’D)
If you don’t get your diabetes under

control, you’ll find yourself declining over time. It may be a slow decline or it could go quickly. There’s not way to tell how an individual will progress.

BEN (CONT’D)
The website has a weight management

section. Click on that and then look for the Body Weight Planner. I’m not asking you to crash diet. In fact, that could send your medications into a tailspin. Plan to lose one to two pounds per week which means you’ll need to eat 750 to 1000 calories less per day than you burn. The Body Weight Planner will help you calculate that.

BEN (CONT’D)
I don’t recommend any specific diet

to most of my patients because people have different tastes, preferences and family traditions. Try to eat healthy and stick to whatever diet you choose. Do I have your commitment?

12.

We cycle through some of the patients as they all nod or say yes.

Ben is alone in his office and he traces the Glucose Management line on his wall chart. An insulin pump is about 2/3 of the way to the bottom of the chart. He notes it and shakes his head in sadness.

INT. JYM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

CAM and JYM are in her office after the gym closes. Jym is pondering her white board in her office.

JYM
I’ve been on the Banting diet for

two weeks. The first week, I drank glasses of wine with each meal where Banting did. Where he would have two, I’d have one – and by one glass I mean three ounces so not enough to move the Breathalyzer by much.

CAM
Did you lose weight?

JYM
A few pounds, exactly the way the

pamphlet said I would. CAM

So?

JYM
So I felt like I was about to binge

every afternoon after Tea.

CAM You drink tea?

JYM
No, it’s like an after school snack.

Two to three ounces of fruit and a rusk or two.

CAM What’s a rusk?

JYM
Very dry bread, but small.

CAM
Two to three ounces of fruit is

nothing.

13.

JYM
It’s about two thirds of an orange

or a few grapes or part of an apple. CAM

Nothing.

JYM
Why do people binge?

CAM
I don’t know. I eat all day every

day and I look like this. JYM

Show off!
INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN and ASHLEY are getting changed for bed, but stop for a quick canoodle.

ASHLEY
I’ve been so tired this week. I

thought it was just the holidays last week, but I’ve been exhausted all week.

She rests her head on his shoulder and he caresses her shoulder.

BEN
How have your numbers been?

ASHLEY
Better than they were after eating

at hour mom’s over the holidays, but not good.

He holds her close, looking worried.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
Ben, is there anything we can do?

He thinks long and hard, then speaks.

BEN
I think we’ll get you an insulin

pump. That may help. Ashley pulls back, startled.

14.

ASHLEY
You always said they were for

diabetics that were on their way downhill in a hurry. Are you saying –

He holds her close. Fiercely.

BEN
No. No, honey. I’m not saying that.

I just think one of the newer pumps could level out your insulin levels so you’re not so tired all the time.

He kisses her hair, cheeks and neck. She looks at him with complete trust.

ASHLEY You’re sure?

BEN

I’m sure.
He holds her close again, but tears come to his eyes. INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Inciting Incident

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is getting easier if first, I empower, then I write.

INT. MAMA’S HOUSE – AFTERNOON

The family members are all sprawled on the living room furniture and floor with dessert plates on the coffee and end tables. All are asleep except JEROME and BEN who are sitting in chairs on opposite sides of the room. ASHLEY is laying across BEN’s lap.

Ben slips his phone out of his pocket and takes photos of each part of the room.

BEN (murmuring)

Evidence.
Jerome looks on with vague distaste and Ben’s rue smile fades.

Ben’s SONS (8 and 10 yo boys) run through the end of the room and down a hall. Ben shushes them as they come through and they obey.

The clock ticks on as Ben and Jerome sit in awkward silence while the family sleeps in their food comas.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

CAM BROOKER, late 30’s, bodybuilder type, ex-military White guy sits across the desk from JYM. Cam is dazzled by Jym’s beauty, self-assurance, and drive to help her community. He is interviewing for a job as the gym’s trainer.

JYM
We talked on the phone about the

position and you indicated that you’d put together fitness programs for people of all ages. As you can see, my gym has a lot of female members. Have you worked with women much?

CAM
Some. There weren’t as many women

in the military as men most of the places I was stationed. I love to work out and I’ll learn anything you want.

Jym blushes and he realizes she’s thought of a double entendre to his “anything you want” phrase. He blushes too.

CAM (CONT’D)
I can do group classes or one-on-

ones.
Another blush from Jym and he looks away in embarrassment.

6.

JYM
This is a small gym and we don’t

have many people who are as committed to fitness as you obviously are. Do you think you would be happy here?

She looks away abruptly when he catches her fixated on his biceps and pecs.

CAM
When we spoke on the phone, I could

tell you were committed to the neighborhood. I’m used to working in a team environment and I think your gym would be a good way for me to get back into society after spending so much time downrange.

JYM

Downrange?

CAM
In war zones, ma’am.

JYM
You don’t have to call me ma’am. It

makes me sound ancient.

CAM
It’s a military thing. I’ll work on

it, but ma’am comes naturally to me when I’m speaking to a woman.

JYM
Okay, then. You’ve got the job.

When can you start?

CAM Is tomorrow okay?

JYM

Great.

She stands to shake hands with him and he automatically scans her body. She blushes, her hand out. He blushes, takes her hand and grips it firmly.

CAM
I’ll be here when you open.

JYM

Great.
He leaves her office and she watches him go with appreciation.

7.

MARTA HUERTES, late 30’s OB/GYN, short, fit, trim, post workout but still in workout gear enters Jym’s office.

MARTA (low whistle)

Serious eye candy.

JYM New trainer.

MARTA
I predict your women’s classes will

be full and the men will be jealous.

JYM
Agreed. He’s an inspiration. Mmm,

mmm, mmm. It’s a good thing I’m his boss.

MARTA

Why’s that?

JYM
He’s off limits. I’ve got to focus

on work.
Marta chuckles and heads out.

INT. BEN’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben sits in his office at an upscale medical clinic looking at his holiday pictures on his phone.

JASON, a fellow doctor, pokes his head in.

JASON
Holiday pics? I’ll show you mine if

you show me yours.

BEN
No, just checking my private email.

Let’s see yours.

Jason flashes a few pictures of his trim wife, equally trim extended family with his upscale home as a backdrop.

JASON

No pics?

BEN
My wife’s the shutterbug in our

family.

Later!

JASON

8.

Ben goes through the photos on his phone again, happy with the ones of his kids and their presents, sad at the shots he took of everyone sprawled after dinner. He stops on one of Jerome looking with disdain at the group and heaves a sigh.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

The calendar says January 3rd. MARTA and JYM are chatting in Jym’s office.

JYM
I binged last night after only a

week of Ben’s latest diet. It was a really hard one. I was always hungry and the cravings were horrible.

MARTA
What are you going to do?

JYM
I’m not going to tell Ben, that’s

for sure. He’d just give me another lecture and tell me I’m weak.

MARTA
You’re not weak. You just haven’t

found the right diet for your metabolism.

JYM
But I’ve looked up every diet he’s

ever given me and they all have raving fans on the internet. Why don’t
they work for me.

Marta gets a page.

MARTA
Baby on the way. Gotta go.

Jym turns back to her computer where she is searching for binging.

CAM enters her office, sweaty and hunky. Jym sees him out of the side of her eye, clenches her fist in restraint and looks him in the eye as he stand at parade rest in front of her desk, his biceps bulging, six-pack at attention.

JYM
What kind of diets work best for

people who binge?

CAM
You mean like binge and purge?

9.

JYM
No, like binge and get fat.

CAM
I can’t really help you. I burn

about five thousand calories a day so weight’s never been a problem.

JYM
Five thousand, really?

CAM
Really. Hours of weight work.

JYM
I don’t think so. People never used

to be fat. In the 30s, almost no one in pictures was fat. I wonder what happened.

Cam looks vaguely confused.

CAM
I have a class. I just wanted to

say good morning.

Jym turns back to her computer to search for 1930’s typical diet.

JYM Good morning, Cam.

INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BEN and ASHLEY are getting changed for bed, but stop for a quick canoodle.

ASHLEY
I’ve been so tired this week. I

thought it was just the holidays last week, but I’ve been exhausted all week.

She rests her head on his shoulder and he caresses her shoulder.

BEN
How have your numbers been?

ASHLEY
Better than they were after eating

at hour mom’s over the holidays, but not good.

He holds her close, looking worried.

10.

ASHLEY (CONT’D)
Ben, is there anything we can do?

He thinks long and hard, then speaks.

BEN
I think we’ll get you an insulin

pump. That may help. Ashley pulls back, startled.

ASHLEY
You always said they were for

diabetics that were on their way downhill in a hurry. Are you saying –

He holds her close. Fiercely.

BEN
No. No, honey. I’m not saying that.

I just think one of the newer pumps could level out your insulin levels so you’re not so tired all the time.

He kisses her hair, cheeks and neck. She looks at him with complete trust.

ASHLEY You’re sure?

BEN

I’m sure.
He holds her close again, but tears come to his eyes.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Act 1: Opening Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that the more I focused on the mindset created by the empowerment work, the easier and faster this went.

WHAT I ALSO LEARNED — I NEED A GOOD WAY TO KEEP SCREENPLAY FORMATTING WHEN PASTING IN HERE.

IDEAS, ANYONE???

1 INT. MAMA’S HOUSE – DAY

Christmas decorations, well-worn furniture and family photos

on an occasional table instead of a mantle. Younger people

in the photos are nearly all fit and trim while anyone over

25 is trending heavier.

JYMIMA (JYM) WALKER is Black, fifty pounds overweight, yet

fit, and wears casual gym gear and a Christmas-themed

sweatshirt. She ponders the photos with a mix of nostalgia

and concern.

DOCTOR BENJAMIN (BEN) WALKER, Black, trim and fit, late 30’s

strides into the room, from the kitchen and stands erect

next to Jym.

BEN

I see you haven’t been following the

diet I gave you at Thanksgiving.

Jym picks up Ben and Ashley’s wedding photo. She lightly

traces Ashley’s slim figure in the photo. Ben has changed

little. Jym was the bridesmaid and also trim.

JYM

I did for about a week, but –

BEN

But you didn’t have the willpower to

stick with it?

JYM

How’s Ashley doing on it?

BEN

(mildly embarrassed)

Not much better.

JYM

I’m not surprised.

BEN

What’s that supposed to mean?

JYM

It means that every time you give us

an impossible diet to follow, you

blame us when we fail, never the

diet, because it came from the great

Doctor Walker, endocrinologist

extraordinaire. Haven’t you even

wondered why we can’t stick to your

diets?

BEN

Not really. You’re weak when it

comes to food.

She turns away, angry, mortified, nearly in tears.

BEN

Jym, you run a gym. You have all

day to exercise. Ashley’s cooks for

me and the kids and doesn’t have

time for a gym. You have no excuse.

None. I thought cosigning for the

gym would keep you from ending up

like the rest of the family, but

instead, you’ve let yourself go.

2 INT. GUEST BEDROOM – DAY

ASHLEY, Ben’s overweight (about 100 pounds), diabetic, very

pretty wife gives her husband a come hither look as she enters

the bedroom to get her insulin kit out of her purse. BEN

follows and immediately puts his arms around her, pulls her

in close and kisses her neck passionately.

She pulls back enough to speak, but is quickly silenced with

a kiss after each phrase.

ASHLEY

I have to – take my – insulin – before

we – eat.

BEN

So do it.

He kisses her neck again. She giggles and tosses the insulin

kit on the dresser. They fall back on the bed.

MAMA knocks on the door, but doesn’t open it.

MAMA

I can hear that bed creaking. We’re

eating in 10 minutes to don’t go too

far.

She chuckles as she walks away and Ben and Ashley burst out

laughing on the bed.

ASHLEY

I’m so tired. Can I take a little

nap before dinner?

BEN

I’m afraid not. No rest for the

weary.

(suddenly in doctor

mode)

I’m going to try to get Uncle Jerome

to include you in a study he’s doing

on a new diet. I think that’s him.

Ben gets up, pulls Ashley to her feet and hands her the

insulin kit.

BEN

Up the dose a little. You know it’s

impossible to resist Mama’s cooking.

Ben leaves the room and Ashley sets about getting her shot

ready.

3 INT. MAMA’S HOUSE – DAY

DOCTOR UNCLE JEROME WALKER (UNCLE JEROME) enters the house.

Tall, lanky, professorial in nature, satisfied as though

master of all he sees.

JYM rushes to throw her arms around him and he gives her a

hearty hug.

UNCLE JEROME

Jym, my pet. How are you? Are you

a millionaire yet from that gym of

yours?

Jym gives him a playful swat.

JYM

I’m keeping my head above water —

just. Everybody’s gathered in the

dining room. Let me get your coat.

Jym takes his coat. Doc emerges from the bedroom, solicitous

and fawning like a starstruck kid.

BEN

Doctor Walker. It’s good to see

you.

UNCLE JEROME

It’s good to see you, Doctor Walker.

How’s your practice going?

Ben takes a peek outside over Uncle Jerome’s shoulder as

they do a quick guy hug.

BEN

Not as good as yours. Is that a new

Mercedes? The clinical trial business

must be thriving.

UNCLE JEROME

It’s okay. You’d see that for

yourself if you’d move to XYZ and

join my practice.

BEN

I’d love to and I swear I would move

if you could get Ashley into one of

your new diet trials.

As they enter the dining room, Jerome grabs one of Jym’s

hands.

UNCLE JEROME

Today’s about family. Sit by me

Jymmie. Tell me all about your love

life and all the men that are hounding

you night and day.

Jym laughs and sits next to him while Ben is rebuffed. Ashley

emerges from the bedroom and he quickly escorts her back in

the bedroom and kisses her with gusto. They quickly fall

onto the bed.

BEN

Remember the first time we did this?

ASHLEY

Christmas Day, nearly twenty-two

years ago. We were kids.

He kisses her.

BEN

We were in high school and your mama

had just given you permission to

date me.

ASHLEY

She gave me permission to eat

Christmas dinner with your family,

not date.

BEN

True, but I couldn’t resist then and

I can’t now.

Mama is outside the door again.

MAMA

We’re ready to eat. You two lovebirds

come out here before we all come in

to watch the show.

They laugh and scramble off the bed.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Janeen Johnson.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Beat Sheet Draft 2

What I learned doing this assignment is

Act 1: 25-30 pp. Set Up and see Old Ways – 10 scenes so far

INT. MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Opening: Doc chastises Jym for not sticking with the diet he gave her and shames her for her weak will and lack of effort. She is mortified.

INT. MOTHER’S GUEST BEDROOM – DAY

Doc loves his wife to distraction, but her health keeps deteriorating as she too fails on diet after diet. Doc lectures his wife.

INT. DINING TABLE – DAY

Mentor is honoring them with his presence and talking up his clinical trial business and how lucrative it is. Mama is listening and likes it. Doc and Ashley admire the mentor.

INT. MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Family is stuffed and sprawled on furniture after meal. Everybody’s fat but Doc and his kids. They are also the only ones awake and Doc contemplates the scene.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Jym tells Trainer he’s got the job. Then OB comes in and she says he’s eye candy and inspiration.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Other docs share holiday pics, he says he didn’t take any — his wife’s the shutterbug — and is embarrassed to show his family. He has a pic of everyone sprawled on his phone and he shakes his head at it.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Inciting Incident: Jym fails at yet another of her brother’s diets and decides to look for a diet that will work for her and research why all of these diets have failed for her. She does her research and homes in on carb control as the key to weight loss and abolishing cravings.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – DAY

Doc gets his wife an insulin pump in hopes it will help her to feel better.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – EVENING

Jym has a sheet with Banting Diet printed on it and puts appropriate groceries away, side-eyeing the wine.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc lectures his clients about willpower and sticking to the diet/exercise regimen.

INT. JYM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Turning Point: Jym tries Banting, finds it difficult. She thinks the drinking is inappropriate and is always on the edge of a binge. She looks for reasons people binge — carb crash. This could be a humorous conversation with Trainer.

Act 2: 20-30 pp. Challenge the Old Ways — 11 scenes so far

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Reaction: Jym loses weight on the Banting diet although it is inconvenient and after a heavy workout she can no longer stick to it. Jym finds Keto and low carb. She finds low carb works, but she is hungry sometimes and has other issues. Keto seems to help her. Another discussion with Trainer.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Time has moved forward a month or two. Doc trusts his colleagues on advice to help his clients, but balks when they talk about weight loss drugs.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

The OB challenges Jym because others see her success and want to do what she does. That’s dangerous. Trainer agrees.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ashley (s-i-l) feels much better with her insulin pump and is proud of her husband for helping her. He is totally discouraged because it means she’s slipped down another section of the diabetic slide.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

The Plan: Jym looks at the makeup of the diet, considers carb effects after exercise. Since she’s already low-carb, she needs to convince trainer to go less carb-depleting on her exercise.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

The trainer is hard to convince and tries proportionally more carbs in his diet.

INT. JYM’S GYM – NIGHT

Timelapse and we see how hard it is even for him. He is convinced and she convinces him to research strength building that doesn’t impact blood sugar. They discuss the difference in men’s and women’s carb needs to stay in ketosis or simply away from cravings.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc realizes the pump is a stopgap measure in his wife’s decline and tries a pre-packaged diet like his upscale partners prescribe for their clients.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Turning Point 2: MIDPOINT — Jym calculates why she failed after exercise and why every diet has failed her and makes adjustments to diet/exercise.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

A few months later, Doc sees the money opportunity when mentor wants to retire from doing clinical trials in a different state. The mentor wants him to take over. Doc mulls it over and decides he must.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ashley does not lose much weight with the prepackaged diet, but attends a 4th of July picnic, eats small portions of family favorites and lands in the hospital. Doc is devastated.

Act 3: 20-30 pp. With Midpoint change, Profound moments that give us new ways – 10 scenes so far

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

New Plan: Jym finds a lot of evidence to back up her new opinions and also realizes why her s-i-l keeps going downhill. Jerking around the body’s source of energy wreaks havoc on the metabolism and energy levels.

EXT. DOC’S HOUSE – DAY

Doc leaves family to learn the clinical trials business with his mentor. A last minute romantic session with his wife makes him late for his plane.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Ashley begs Jym to give her the best diet. She refuses. Jym recruits OB to monitor Ashley while Doc is out of town learning his mentor’s business and let’s Ashley try the diet.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Montage of gym members telling her the diet problems. Diet hard with kids in the house. Diet cost too high. Isn’t Jym undermining her own gym’s training programs and classes with her new exercise prescriptives?

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

More research montage in gym and at home — Jym finds THM, Schwarzbein, Atkins various diets – including overweight kids, works with S-i-L on cost-conscious diet menus and shopping lists — if it’s not in the house, they can’t eat it.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Turning Point: Jym has lost weight and her s-i-l loses weight under the OB’s watch. Doc is furious while home on a weekend and orders Ashley to stop and Jym to cease and desist or he will pull her funding. Ashley is in tears and Jym is furious.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Doc can’t resist and Ashley is more than willing.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc sees the funding of the studies and questions Mentor about motives of studies. Doc understands how money has influenced treatment

INT. APT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc finds that his wife’s progress and his mentor’s research are totally at odds. Which should he believe?

Act 4: 25 pp. Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways! – 10 scenes so far.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

New Way Proof: S-I-L refuses to go back to her old diets. She loses more weight and gains health as do several others at the gym. Jym develops/refines low cost menus and shopping lists for SNAP and WIC clients as well as intro materials and hand-outs.

INT. APT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Doc researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Climax: Jym, Ashley and the gym clientele are proof that Jym is right and even her poor clients who can’t afford most carb control diets are succeeding with their families on her new SNAP and WIC-friendly menus.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc tells his mentor about the research and the effects of the meds on the body and mentor blows up, says he’s throwing away a good thing, says morally it isn’t wrong, but Doc says ethically, it leads us away from the real solution, not toward it.

INT. DOC’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Doc understands how to help his wife and is surprised that she has already been helped — by Jym. He tries to rescue Ashley with his diet findings and she has already implemented them and refined them to suit her metabolism and health and he is shocked at how well-read and informed she is. She is also sexy. 🙂

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Doc talks to Jym and she pleads her case about blame and guilt for non-losers and her program of positive help and results. He says she’s still practicing medicine without a license. She says she’s practicing nutrition, something most doctors know a low less about than she does.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Doc is talked into helping others by his wife who says she wants to work at Jym’s gym so Jym can spend more time advising people. OB has been helping people, but really doesn’t have time available to meet the needs of the neighborhood.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Doc says he’s given up on the clinical trial business and needs a job. Jym can’t manage alone and he’s reached the conclusion he has to take OB’s place in Jym’s endeavors.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Conclusion: Jym and Trainer talk about Ashley taking over the management. He says he will miss her. She says he will no longer work for her so he doesn’t have to suck up. He says that he can stop beating around the bush and pulls her in. Romance storyline complete.

EXT. NEW CLINIC – DAY

Jym joins her brother at a local clinic/resource center and Ashley takes over the gym, helping their community regain its health and vitality.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What I learned doing this assignment is that the flow will be refined as I add in more info on my subplots (romance, old doctor’s office, research and results), but for now, I seem to have a good balance of action/change in each act.

Act 1: 25-30 pp. Set Up and see Old Ways – 10 scenes so far

INT. MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Opening: Doc chastises Jym for not sticking with the diet he gave her and shames her for her weak will and lack of effort. She is mortified.

INT. MOTHER’S GUEST BEDROOM – DAY

Doc loves his wife to distraction, but her health keeps deteriorating as she too fails on diet after diet. Doc lectures his wife.

INT. MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Family is stuffed and sprawled on furniture after meal. Everybody’s fat but Doc and his kids. They are also the only ones awake and Doc contemplates the scene.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Jym tells Trainer he’s got the job. Then OB comes in and she says he’s eye candy and inspiration.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Other docs share holiday pics, he says he didn’t take any — his wife’s the shutterbug — and is embarrassed to show his family. He has a pic of everyone sprawled on his phone and he shakes his head at it.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Inciting Incident: Jym fails at yet another of her brother’s diets and decides to look for a diet that will work for her and research why all of these diets have failed for her. She does her research and homes in on carb control as the key to weight loss and abolishing cravings.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – DAY

Doc gets his wife an insulin pump in hopes it will help her to feel better.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – EVENING

Jym has a sheet with Banting Diet printed on it and puts appropriate groceries away, side-eyeing the wine.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc lectures his clients about willpower and sticking to the diet/exercise regimen.

INT. JYM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Turning Point: Jym tries Banting, finds it difficult. She thinks the drinking is inappropriate and is always on the edge of a binge. She looks for reasons people binge — carb crash. This could be a humorous conversation with Trainer.

Act 2: 20-30 pp. Challenge the Old Ways — 11 scenes so far

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Reaction: Jym loses weight on the Banting diet although it is inconvenient and after a heavy workout she can no longer stick to it. Jym finds Keto and low carb. She finds low carb works, but she is hungry sometimes and has other issues. Keto seems to help her. Another discussion with Trainer.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Time has moved forward a month or two. Doc trusts his colleagues on advice to help his clients, but balks when they talk about weight loss drugs.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

The OB challenges Jym because others see her success and want to do what she does. That’s dangerous. Trainer agrees.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ashley (s-i-l) feels much better with her insulin pump and is proud of her husband for helping her. He is totally discouraged because it means she’s slipped down another section of the diabetic slide.

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

The Plan: Jym looks at the makeup of the diet, considers carb effects after exercise. Since she’s already low-carb, she needs to convince trainer to go less carb-depleting on her exercise.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

The trainer is hard to convince and tries proportionally more carbs in his diet.

INT. JYM’S GYM – NIGHT

Timelapse and we see how hard it is even for him. He is convinced and she convinces him to research strength building that doesn’t impact blood sugar. They discuss the difference in men’s and women’s carb needs to stay in ketosis or simply away from cravings.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc realizes the pump is a stopgap measure in his wife’s decline and tries a pre-packaged diet like his upscale partners prescribe for their clients.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Turning Point 2: MIDPOINT — Jym calculates why she failed after exercise and why every diet has failed her and makes adjustments to diet/exercise.

INT. DOC’S OFFICE – DAY

A few months later, Doc sees the money opportunity when mentor wants to retire from doing clinical trials in a different state. The mentor wants him to take over. Doc mulls it over and decides he must.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ashley does not lose much weight with the prepackaged diet, but attends a 4th of July picnic, eats small portions of family favorites and lands in the hospital. Doc is devastated.

Act 3: 20-30 pp. With Midpoint change, Profound moments that give us new ways – 10 scenes so far

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

New Plan: Jym finds a lot of evidence to back up her new opinions and also realizes why her s-i-l keeps going downhill. Jerking around the body’s source of energy wreaks havoc on the metabolism and energy levels.

EXT. DOC’S HOUSE – DAY

Doc leaves family to learn the clinical trials business with his mentor. A last minute romantic session with his wife makes him late for his plane.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Ashley begs Jym to give her the best diet. She refuses. Jym recruits OB to monitor Ashley while Doc is out of town learning his mentor’s business and let’s Ashley try the diet.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Montage of gym members telling her the diet problems. Diet hard with kids in the house. Diet cost too high. Isn’t Jym undermining her own gym’s training programs and classes with her new exercise prescriptives?

INT. JYM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

More research montage in gym and at home — Jym finds THM, Schwarzbein, Atkins various diets – including overweight kids, works with S-i-L on cost-conscious diet menus and shopping lists — if it’s not in the house, they can’t eat it.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Turning Point: Jym has lost weight and her s-i-l loses weight under the OB’s watch. Doc is furious while home on a weekend and orders Ashley to stop and Jym to cease and desist or he will pull her funding. Ashley is in tears and Jym is furious.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Doc can’t resist and Ashley is more than willing.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc sees the funding of the studies and questions Mentor about motives of studies. Doc understands how money has influenced treatment

INT. APT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc finds that his wife’s progress and his mentor’s research are totally at odds. Which should he believe?

Act 4: 25 pp. Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways! – 10 scenes so far.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

New Way Proof: S-I-L refuses to go back to her old diets. She loses more weight and gains health as do several others at the gym. Jym develops/refines low cost menus and shopping lists for SNAP and WIC clients as well as intro materials and hand-outs.

INT. APT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Doc researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Climax: Jym, Ashley and the gym clientele are proof that Jym is right and even her poor clients who can’t afford most carb control diets are succeeding with their families on her new SNAP and WIC-friendly menus.

INT. MENTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Doc tells his mentor about the research and the effects of the meds on the body and mentor blows up, says he’s throwing away a good thing, says morally it isn’t wrong, but Doc says ethically, it leads us away from the real solution, not toward it.

INT. DOC’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Doc understands how to help his wife and is surprised that she has already been helped — by Jym. He tries to rescue Ashley with his diet findings and she has already implemented them and refined them to suit her metabolism and health and he is shocked at how well-read and informed she is. She is also sexy. 🙂

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Doc talks to Jym and she pleads her case about blame and guilt for non-losers and her program of positive help and results. He says she’s still practicing medicine without a license. She says she’s practicing nutrition, something most doctors know a low less about than she does.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Doc is talked into helping others by his wife who says she wants to work at Jym’s gym so Jym can spend more time advising people. OB has been helping people, but really doesn’t have time available to meet the needs of the neighborhood.

INT. DOC’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Doc says he’s given up on the clinical trial business and needs a job. Jym can’t manage alone and he’s reached the conclusion he has to take OB’s place in Jym’s endeavors.

INT. JYM’S GYM – DAY

Conclusion: Jym and Trainer talk about Ashley taking over the management. He says he will miss her. She says he will no longer work for her so he doesn’t have to suck up. He says that he can stop beating around the bush and pulls her in. Romance storyline complete.

EXT. NEW CLINIC – DAY

Jym joins her brother at a local clinic/resource center and Ashley takes over the gym, helping their community regain its health and vitality.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Four Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is using the Old Ways to New Ways transitions (from least dramatic to most dramatic change) makes creating the structure quick, easy and effective. Plugging in the new events was pretty simple.

Act 1: 25-30 pp. Set Up and see Old Ways

Opening: Doc chastises Jym for not sticking with the diet he gave her and shames her for her weak will and lack of effort. She is mortified.

Doc loves his wife to distraction, but her health keeps deteriorating as she too fails on diet after diet. Doc lectures his wife.

Inciting Incident: Jym fails at yet another of her brother’s diets and decides to look for a diet that will work for her and research why all of these diets have failed for her. She does her research and homes in on carb control as the key to weight loss and abolishing cravings.

Doc gets his wife an insulin pump in hopes it will help her to feel better.

Doc lectures his clients.

Turning Point: She tries Banting, finds it difficult, the drinking inappropriate and is always on the edge of a binge. She looks for reasons people binge — carb crash

Act 2: 20-30 pp. Challenge the Old Ways

Reaction: Jym loses weight on the Banting diet although it is inconvenient and after a heavy workout she can no longer stick to it. Jen finds Keto and low carb. She finds low carb works, but she is hungry sometimes and has other issues. Keto seems to help her.

Doc trusts his colleagues on advice to help his clients, but balks when they talk about weight loss drugs.

The OB challenges Jen because others see her success and want to do what she does. That’s dangerous.

Ashley (s-i-l) feels much better with her insulin pump and is proud of her husband for helping her.

The Plan: Jym looks at the makeup of the diet, considers carb effects after exercise.

The trainer is hard to convince and tries proportionally more carbs in his diet and sees how hard it is. He is convinced and she convinces him to research strength building that doesn’t impact blood sugar.

Doc realizes the pump is a stopgap measure in his wife’s decline and tries a pre-packaged diet like his upscale partners prescribe for their clients.

Turning Point 2: MIDPOINT — Jym realizes why she failed after exercise and why every diet has failed her.

Doc sees the money opportunity when mentor wants to retire from doing clinical trials in a different state. The mentor wants him to take over and he mulls it over and decides he must.

Ashley does not lose weight with the diet, but attends a 4th of July picnic, eats small portions of family favorites and lands in the hospital. Doc is devastated.

Act 3: 20-30 pp. With Midpoint change, Profound moments that give us new ways

New Plan: She finds a lot of evidence to back up her new opinions and also realizes why her s-i-l keeps going downhill.

Doc eaves family to learn the business

Ashley begs Jen to give her her diet. Jen recruits OB to monitor Ashley while Doc is out of town learning his mentor’s business.

Diet hard with kids in the house. Diet cost too high. Isn’t Jen undermining her own gym’s training programs and classes with her new exercise prescriptives?

More research — finds THM, Schwarzbein, Atkins various diets – including overweight kids, works with S-i-L on cost-conscious diet menus and shopping lists — if it’s not in the house, they can’t eat it.

Turning Point: Jym has lost weight and her s-i-l tries the diet under the OB’s watch, but her brother is furious and orders her s-i-l to stop and Jym to cease and desist or he will pull her funding.

Doc sees the funding of the studies and questions Mentor about motives of studies. Doc understands how money has influenced treatment

Researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions.

Doc finds that his wife’s progress and his mentor’s research are totally at odds. Which should he believe?

Act 4: 25 pp. Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways!

New Way Proof: S-I-L has seen the light and refuses to go back to her old diets. She loses weight and gains health as do several others at the gym. Jym develops low cost menus and shopping lists for SNAP and WIC clients.

Doc researches studies that point to something other than drugs — diets — and has a revelation of gigantic proportions

Climax: Jym, Ashley and the gym clientele are proof that Jym is right and even her poor clients who can’t afford most carb control diets are succeeding with their families on her new menus.

Doc tells his mentor about the research and the effects of the meds on the body and mentor blows up, says he’s throwing away a good thing, says morally it isn’t wrong, but Doc says ethically, it leads us away from the real solution, not toward it.

Doc understands how to help his wife and is surprised that she has already been helped — by Jen.

Doc talks to Jen and she pleads her case about blame and guilt for non-losers and her program of positive help and results. He says she’s practicing medicine without a license.

Doc is talked into helping others by his wife who says she wants to work at Jym’s gym so Jym can spend more time advising people. OB has been helping people, but really doesn’t have time available to meet the needs of the neighborhood.

Doc says Jym can’t manage alone and reaches the conclusion he has to take OB’s place in Jym’s endeavors.

Conclusion: Jym joins her brother at a local clinic/resource center and her s-i-l takes over the gym, helping their community regain its health and vitality.

[Janeen Johnson]

Mary,

I agree with you. Knowing the events/methods by which my characters go from the old ways to the new ways and THEN doing the 4 Act structure would have been better. I, too, tried to order and organize my events rather than just figuring out what would challenge an old way or move someone into a new way. Just figuring out what will move them would have been better before trying to fit them into the act structure.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Four Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is using the Old Ways to New Ways transitions (from least dramatic to most dramatic change) makes creating the structure quick, easy and effective.

Act 1: 25-30 pp. Set Up and see Old Ways

Opening: Doc chastises Jym for not sticking with the diet he gave her and shames her for her weak will and lack of effort. She is mortified.

Doc loves his wife to distraction, but her health keeps deteriorating as she too fails on diet after diet.

Inciting Incident: Jym fails at yet another of her brother’s diets and decides to look for a diet that will work for her and research why all of these diets have failed for her.

Doc gets his wife an insulin pump in hopes it will help her to feel better.

Turning Point: Jym finds and tries the Banting diet

Act 2: 20-30 pp. Challenge the Old Ways

Reaction: Jym loses weight on the Banting diet although it is inconvenient and after a heavy workout she can no longer stick to it.

Ashley (s-i-l) feels much better with her insulin pump and is proud of her husband for helping her.

The Plan: Jym looks at the makeup of the diet, considers carb effects after exercise.

Doc realizes the pump is a stopgap measure in his wife’s decline and tries a pre-packaged diet like his upscale partners prescribe for their clients.

Turning Point 2: MIDPOINT — Jym realizes why she failed after exercise and why every diet has failed her.

Ashley does not lose weight with the diet, but attends a 4th of July picnic, eats small portions of family favorites and lands in the hospital. Doc is devastated.

Act 3: 20-30 pp. With Midpoint change, Profound moments that give us new ways

New Plan: She finds a lot of evidence to back up her new opinions and also realizes why her s-i-l keeps going downhill.

Doc accepts a research position under his old mentor to understand Ashley’s decline better.

Turning Point: Jym has lost weight and her s-i-l tries the diet under the OB’s watch, but her brother is furious and orders her s-i-l to stop and Jym to cease and desist or he will pull her funding.

Doc finds that his wife’s progress and his mentor’s research are totally at odds. Which should he believe?

Act 4: 25 pp. Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways!

New Way Proof: S-I-L has seen the light and refuses to go back to her old diets. She loses weight and gains health as do several others at the gym. Jym develops low cost menus and shopping lists for SNAP and WIC clients.

Doc reviews years of research, the funding for the research and the real effects of diabetes medicines on diabetics’ health and bodies.

Climax: Jym, Ashley and the gym clientele are proof that Jym is right and even her poor clients who can’t afford most carb control diets are succeeding with their families on her new menus.

Doc finds the diet and diabetes industries don’t really want people to lose weight and regain their health because they will not make money. Even his mentor is caught in the research funding trap that slants research toward prescriptions for diabetes control and on-the-edge-of-a-binge diets and foods plans that keep diabetics on a slow decline instead of a healthy reverse.

Conclusion: Jym joins her brother at a local clinic and her s-i-l takes over the gym, helping their community regain its health and vitality.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Interviews

What I learned doing this assignment is my characters already have their unique voices, challenges and opinions and by asking them to explain themselves, they’ve given me insights into what the source of the conflicts will be and why they each think they are right which is vital to avoid comic book villains and heroes.

Jym’s Interview:

Tell me about yourself.

I’m self-sufficient and hardworking, but I can never measure up to Doc’s expectations. To him, I’ll always be his helpless little sister who needs direction, guidance, advice, admonishment and “the stare” to make any forward progress. It’s maddening because I’m capable and competent and I make at least as much progress when he isn’t after me as I do when he is — probably more when he just leaves me alone. If I didn’t love and respect him so much I’d tell him to lay off, but I can’t do that. I just can’t. He’s always looked out for me. It’s a part of who I am and a big part of the relationship we’ve had my whole life. I love him, but I feel like he’s holding me back from being my own person.

Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

I think I learned to care about this community from my mother and from Doc. We grew up feeling like a part of it and, probably because Doc was always so smart and everyone knew he was going to go far, people expected me to step up too. Our mother always did. Why me? Because I live and work here and I have everyone’s respect and, of course, their expectations.

You are up against Doc’s fixed ideas and the establishment. What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

Doc has been my guiding light my whole life and my mother’s respect and pride in him make it seem traitorous for me to go against his wishes or his directions. Logic and experience are guiding me, but I’m fighting him every step of the way.

In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

I’m going to need to trust myself more than I trust my brother and that’s going to be very, very difficult. I’m going to have to be an example for the community and come up with ways they can do what I’m doing — ways they can afford both in money and in time — and their families and the whole community will have to come along for the ride for many of them to be able to stick to whatever route I choose. This journey won’t be easy.

What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

The idea that food equals love is going to have to go — at least where the traditional foods are concerned. That’s going to be a tough one. In addition, thinking that people will always automatically trust me more than Doc is going to be a tough one to get over because it’s true — they do trust him more. I’ve got a crisis in confidence to master and it won’t be easy.

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

I don’t want to be wrong because it will be even harder to ever try to defy Doc again if I’ve failed in this attempt. Others will see that if even I can’t solve these problems, they won’t be able to either and I’m afraid if I don’t succeed, everyone else will never even try. After all, I have a gym, I have a trainer, I have no kids and family to sidetrack me and if I can’t do it, there’s no way they could. I have to set all those doubts aside and go for the win.

What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

I know my brother better than nearly anyone because I’ve looked up to, observed, noted and followed him blindly for my whole life and an awful lot of his. I’ve seen how hopelessly, helplessly in love he is with Ashley and that if she goes farther downhill, it’s going to kill him. I need to help her and that will help him to be happy.

What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

I don’t believe Trainer when he says he loves me. How could he? He sees my flaws and my failures every day. Weight, diet, solutions for myself and my clients? All failures. How could he possibly love me? How could my brother possibly trust me when he sees the same failures?

What do you think of Doc?

I think Doc is my brother and my hero and that he knows more than about anyone I know. He’s right so much of the time that I can’t imagine going against his decrees/dictates, but what he’s doing just isn’t working this time and I don’t want Ashley to die because it would kill him.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

Like nearly everyone in this neighborhood, I’ve struggled to make a life for myself. I always liked working out and I was strong, but since I opened the gym and have been living on a shoestring, I don’t eat right and I’ve gradually gained 50 pounds. It’s easy to see why. I worry about money all of the time. I worry about the advice and guidance I’m giving since many of my clients are losing ground too. I worry about what will happen to them. Look at Ashley! She was fit and trim all the way through school, but after kids, she just could never lose the weight and now she’s Type II and it’s getting worse every year. Every time I try to help her, Doc overrides what I suggest and the proof that he’s right in doing so is simply anyone taking a look at me. If I can’t help myself, how can I help anyone else. What Doc’s had me (and Ashley) doing isn’t helping at all. It just makes things worse so I have to go around him and find better ways. I have to do that.

What does it do for your life is you succeed here?

My community will get healthier and live happier/longer if I am successful and if I can get Doc’s approval and sanction of what I do. They will follow us because they know and trust us. I may not get rich, but I’ll be a hero if I can help the community overcome this weight/Type II cliff we’re marching toward.

Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.

What should I have asked about that I haven’t? What about Trainer? He’s such a total hunk, an incredibly nice man and so kind and caring to everyone. How could I not love him? It’s hard that he teases me all of the time by professing his affection, attraction and love for me when I know he’s teasing. No one that cool could love me — not with so much failure at every turn of my life with this gym. Plus, he works for me. We can never be so as much as I love being around him and count on him to boost my spirits and my ego, we can never be more than boss/employee.

Doc’s Interview

Tell me about yourself.

I’m Doc – that’s what they’ve called me since I was a little kid and wanted to be a doctor like my great uncle Jerome. I got myself though medical school, thanks to my connection to Uncle Jerome I got a job at one of the finest practices in the area and I make good money. I have the best wife a man could ask for — she always gets me going — any time we’re in the same room. (Laughs here) I’m a lucky man. I’ve got two great kids and a great family.

Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’ve been the one people turn to for medical advice in the area, especially weight loss and diabetes — you know, things that affect people as they get older — even though some of the kids are getting it now. I wish I could do more, but there isn’t always something I can do.

Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?

I am committed to helping Jym be successful in life. She’s my little sister. She looks to me for advice and guidance and knowledge. I know she’s skeptical about my methods sometimes, but if she’d just stick with something instead of giving up, she’d see results.

What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

I don’t get anything. Jym gets better health and weight. My wife gets healthier and gets to live longer. I don’t get anything out of this.

What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

I have the knowledge, the education, the specialist’s I work with as resources. I know what I’m doing in this arena and everyone in the neighborhood expects me to come up with the answers and I’ve got the best ones that medicine can provide.

What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

I need to keep Jym believing that I’m still her hero so she can’t know about the beating I took when she was a kid and I saved her from the bullies. She needs to believe so she’ll trust me and do what I tell her and succeed with diet and exercise and be an example for the neighborhood that this science stuff works. I can’t let anyone know how incapable I am of saving my own wife. She’s going downhill and I can’t stop it, but she can’t know that or she’ll give up hope and certainly the folks in the neighborhood can’t know that or they’ll give up hope of being healthy and safe.

Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I did this pretty much on my own through sheer willpower and grit. I went after my dream, found the resources, found a job to pay for this and have studied with the best to be the best thing to come out of the neighborhood. Most people have had a lot more help along the way, but I didn’t.

What do you think of Jym’s methods?

Jym is testing her wings, but she’d going to find out that science has the answer, not fads and outrageous notions. She’s still a kid in many ways — especially when it comes to judgment.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

Jym really, really wanted to open a gym and I was all for that. She loved fitness and working out. It energized her. So I helped her get the funding for the gym — I cosigned with her — and she got it open. Instead of becoming the model of fitness herself, she seems to have lost her way. She’s fifty pounds overweight. That’s appalling for the owner of a gym and instead of heading in the right direction, her weight is still heading in the wrong one. I’ve given her every diet I can find for people with her problem, but she’s too weak to stay on them — too easily tempted — too prone to binge. I need to find a way to get her to step up and face her weaknesses and get her weight under control so she can be a leader at her gym instead of one of the many overweight people in the neighborhood and, especially, in her gym.

[Janeen Johnson]

Jsneen’s Character Profiles Part 2

What I learned from doing this assignment is I either knew more about these people than I thought, or this process is working well.

My lead characters:

Jym (Jymima)

Role in the story: Jym is the hero. <div>

Age range and Description: Late 20’s, fit but 50 pounds overweight, black, attractive – but not stunning

<div>

Internal Journey: From obedient, but frustrated little sister who fails whenever she tries a diet to dedicated and brave explorer who finds a better diet and rescues others who are in trouble from excess weight or Type II.

<div>

External Journey: From 50 pound overweight, fit woman to trim, fit woman with more energy, confidence and bravery who establishes a program to fit the lifestyles and budgets of her gym membership.

Motivation: To lose weight and keep it off easily, save her S-I-L’s life, help others at her gym with Type II or pre-diabetes become healthy.

Wound: Feels an obligation to follow her brother’s orders since he saved her from bullies and ordered her to leave so he could handle it. He has been giving her orders (things he considers to be for her own good) ever since and she tries sincerely to follow them even when she thinks he is wrong.

Mission/Agenda: To save her neighborhood and loved ones from the ravages of obesity and Type II.

Secret: She has disobeyed her brother before and things have worked out, but she has always felt guilty about it. She feels inadequate to deal with health issues if she disagrees with her brother because he is an MD and she is an exercise physiologist (BA)

What makes them special?: She is modest enough about her capabilities to feel the need to rely on authority and back everything up with research before trying things herself. She also insists that anyone trying her diet and exercise program do so with a doctor’s supervision since she doesn’t want to be responsible for blood sugar problems or other issues if they can be prevented by having a doctor on board.

What draws us to this character? Her big personality, hard work, genuine affection for her clientele and her modesty about the Trainer’s affection for her.

Traits: Hard-working, noisy, genuine, sharp

Subtext: Not good at hiding things so if people look closely, she gives away when she thinks something is BS and when she is really behind something.

Flaw: She second-guesses herself whenever she disagrees with her brother. He was always older and wiser than her when she was a kid and she’s having a hard time believing he isn’t still in spite of his awful diets and exercise plans.

Values: Caring for people and keeping them well is very important. She loves her family and neighborhood more than anything. She values knowledge/research and proof of “rightness”.

Irony: She is afraid to believe her research over her brother and vacillates between the two feeling guilty when she chooses her own research over her brother’s decrees.

What makes this the right character for this role? She’s bold and blunt enough to stand up to her brother, ignore the trainer’s advances and fight for the S-I-L that can’t seem to do it for herself.

Doc

Role in the story: Doc is the Change Agent. Doc is a budding endocrinologist with a wife and two kids. He’s strapped for money paying back his med school loans and is madly in love with his wife. </div>

Age range and Description: Mid-30’s, black, trim, hard working and worships the neighborhood-guy-famous-doc and that’s why he, too, became and endocrinologist.

Internal Journey: From by-the-book doc who especially relies on his hero’s work to doing the research to find what works and adapting it to the individual.

External Journey: From confident and adamant promoter of diets and exercise by ADA and his hero to the point of being dictatorial to caring, open-to-new-ideas doc who trusts research more than reputation.

Motivation: To save his wife’s life, make a name for himself in the field like his hero did, and pay back his student loans.

Wound: Feels like a fraud when people call him a hero. He has failed to be heroic in his mind when he got beaten up after saving his sister, can’t save his wife and has watched helplessly as she goes downhill and sees his neighborhood moving in the same direction.

Mission/Agenda: To save his wife and make enough money for the practice to keep his job. To keep up with his peers at the practice.

Secret: He’s not very sure of himself anymore because his ways have not brought health or weight loss to people, only shame and failure.

What makes them special?: He is passionately in love with his wife and she with him and regardless her weight and health, they are at it like rabbits whenever they alone are in the same room. He is sincere, even if misguided, in his desire to help people. He has made it this far by willpower and hard work.

What draws us to this character? His hard work, charm, do-gooder intentions and natural charisma.

Traits: Energetic, Emphatic, Outwardly assured, Didactic

Subtext: Sounds more emphatic and sure of himself when he has doubts — after all, if he can’t convince himself, how can he convince others, so he must convince himself when he speaks what he believes or wants to believe is the truth.

Flaw: His hero worship blocks his ability to see that more research has been done since his hero’s day and the source of funding is important.

Values: Family and love above all. Must repay debts and uphold his reputation in the neighborhood.
Irony: The more adamant and self-assured he sounds, the less sure he really is, but people haven’t caught on because he is very convincing.

What makes this the right character for this role? He needs humanity (his love for his wife and family), a conviction that he is working for good (his belief that it is his mission to save his wife and get everyone healthier), and his own hero worship (justified long ago) that demonstrates that it’s sometimes time to move on from our heroes.

</div></div>

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I know a lot about my story and characters, but am seeing a lot of scenes “predefined” by the information I want to convey to the audience that I’ve defined below. It’s not going to be hard to come up with meaningful beats using this method.

1. The type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.

Hero: My heroine, Jym, is valiantly trying to save her S-I-L and the other people at her gym who are overweight or prediabetic or diabetic from the inevitable (so the predominant thinking is) downhill slide to death. She finds that the deck is stacked against people by big pharma and big money-backed studies that have left the ADA with the role of helping people manage the downhill slide rather than recovering. <div>

Explorer: My heroine is also an explorer, seeking a way to help herself and others recover from typical food’s addictive qualities while still eating healthy and on a constrained budget.

2. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.

Change Agent: Jym’s brother, the Doc, pushes her to lose weight and help her clientele at the gym lose weight, but his diet and exercise plans leave people with strong cravings when their blood sugar crashes and more of those cravings after every hard workout. His pressure on her forces her to think outside the box. <div>

Authority: Jym’s brother Doc is, in fact, an endocrinologist and has the power of authority behind his every decree. He also has her hero worship as her big brother and will pressure her to succumb to his methods even though they are flawed and unsuccessful. In the end, however, he finds the same conclusions that Jym did by looking at study data and the data of those who have bucked the generally accepted knowledge and current dogma.

3. What other characters might be necessary?

Supporting characters: the Doc’s wife (motivation for the doc and Jym to find a better Type II solution), the OB/GYN who works out at the gym (who helps monitor patients who try Jym’s diet/exercise programs); Old Doc (who is Doc’s idol and who espouses ADA guidelines, keeping Doc from trying new things when his wife starts going downhill); the Trainer (who is in love with Jym throughout but is not taken seriously by her for most of the movie – serves as her sidekick); </div><div>

Minor roles: Jym and Doc’s Mom; Doc’s practice partners who see themselves above him since they have practiced longer and come from wealthier backgrounds;
Background characters: Other people at the gym; patients at the clinic;

4. Pick your genre.

Comedy

5. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles.

Role in the story: Jym is the hero.
Age range and Description: Late 20’s </div>

Internal Journey: From obedient, but frustrated little sister who fails whenever she tries a diet to dedicated and brave explorer who finds a better diet and rescues others who are in trouble from weight or Type II.

External Journey: From 50 pound overweight, fit woman to trim, fit woman with more energy, confidence and bravery who establishes a program to fit the lifestyles and budgets of her gym membership.

Motivation: To lose weight and keep it off easily, save her S-I-L’s life, help others at her gym with Type II or pre-diabetes become healthy.

Wound: Feels an obligation to follow her brother’s orders since he save her from bullies and ordered her to leave so he could handle it. He has been giving her orders (things he considers to be for her own good) ever since.

Mission/Agenda: To save her neighborhood and loved ones from the ravages of obesity and Type II

Secret: She has disobeyed her brother before and things have worked out, but she has always felt guilty about it. She feels inadequate to deal with health issues if she disagrees with her brother because he is an MD and she is an exercise physiologist (BA)

What makes them special?: She is modest enough about her capabilities to feel the need to rely on authority and back everything up before trying things herself. She also insists that anyone trying her diet and exercise program do so with a doctor’s supervision since she doesn’t want to be responsible for blood sugar problems or other issues if they can be prevented by having a doctor on board.

</div>

[Janeen Johnson]

1. Name? Janeen Johnson

2. How many scripts you’ve written? 2 plus a little and 14 novels

3. What you hope to get out of the class? A better methodology for writing a script than I’ve used so far. My current methods are ponderous.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’ve moved 36 times in the past 50 years.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m going to trust the process and let the transformational journey dictate my conflicts and character journeys.

Who is my Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents the transformation?

My hero is Jym, a gym owner who needs to lose 50 pounds, help her diabetic s-i-l, and create a program that will work for her low income gym clientele.

Internal Journey: She must learn to question authority (including her doctor/brother’s), research and trust that research (find what works for her, what/how that can work for her diabetic/pre-diabetic clientele and meet their income restrictions and family meal restrictions) and have the courage of her convictions to put it into place for herself, her s-i-l and her clientele.

External Journey: She goes from chunky gym owner to svelte gym guru. She gains external confidence and power over her clientele in advising them to find a doctor if they have any diabetic/pre-diabetic meds or conditions before embarking on her diet. She exerts control over and provides direction for her lead trainer to find exercise that strengthens her clientele without throwing them into a low blood sugar situation.

What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old Ways: She trusts authority, obeys her brother, does not believe she has the willpower to change, cannot help her s-i-l or her clientele in their journeys to health. She is helpless and discouraged in spite of her best intentions to help her old neighborhood and herself get healthy.

New Ways: She understands that she must trust her own research and that authorities aren’t always right. She finds the diet that is right for her and helps her clientele find their best diets. She convinces her trainer to not see muscle-building and weight loss as the be-all/end-all to get to health, she stands up to authorities and her brother, she succeeds at weight loss/control and helps many others do so with cost-feasible diets that families on SNAP can afford to follow.

[Janeen Johnson]

Okay. My email is janeenmj@aol.com. I’ll send it right away.

[Janeen Johnson]

It’s available at screenwritingclasses.com

[Janeen Johnson]

Joan,

I like the “everyone” is happy at the end. It’s always good to wind up the secondary stories before the primary one and you definitely did that.

Is the name Silverton or Silverman? I thought I saw both above, but it could just be an autocorrect thing.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Thanks for the feedback, Joan. Ivy is alive, but presumed dead by the hero and parents until a little after the midpoint. 🙂

I’ll take a look at yours and send feedback.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Another way that is just as easy is to export to a PDF. Then open the pdf and do a CRTL-A, CTRL-C and paste it into the forum reply.

[Janeen Johnson]

Thanks, Pamela,

All of the fight scenes make use of improvised weapons from holiday decor or, in the early scenes at the mall, from mall cart tchotchkes, Christmas trees, a manger scene, etc.

I haven’t used outdoor holiday displays much, but will definitely do so in the two I still have left to write.

Thank you for the feedback!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Feedback for Julia

Julia,

I found the opening VO’s very mystic, dreamlike, bold. I was waiting for the inciting incident. Very compelling.

It continued that way until I got to this line: “Jake flies off the roof like a hornet on speed.”

I immediately had no idea if he was actually flying or simply leaving the roof in a hurry. 😮

I liked the introduction of Boat Bob and the contrast between Ibraham and Boat Bob. I was going along for the ride and beginning to wonder what all of their conversation about suicide was leading up to.

Then I got to this scene:

EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
They drop Litonya off at her solar house on Huguenot Street. Kisele is her Zoom star since she lacks social skills. CLOSE on the zoom with the other professors applauding and giving thumbs up charmed by his ten year old wisdom.

From that point on, I’m afraid I had no idea what was going on. The rest of your 10 pages looked like scene headings with summary paragraphs, but I didn’t get a feel for the story or what it might be about from that point on.

I wasn’t clear who the protagonist was or what their mission was after those first three great pages and the very moody opening and VOs.

You had me hooked on the first 3 pages, but I struggled after that.

I love your writing style and the way you created a mood so quickly.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Jack, I sent a connection request to you. Send my your email and we’ll exchange scripts

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi,

Would you like to exchange scripts? If so, message me.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Rob,

Great conversation.

My only suggestion would be to add more subtext. At what point does Annie go from being interrogated to on the attack. How does she change physically? Leaning in? Tensing? What is Jack’s physical reaction to that? Is he surprised? Intimidated? Physically furious?

Good use of suspense (impending crisis), lots of others in this category.

Nice hook — Jessica’s fear, mention of the mother’s ghost.

Uncertainty — will they ever be able to convince their dad that the ghost is real?

Maybe need a little more vivid visual description — the ketchup problem? Other places that describe changes in demeanor of the conversant as they argue/rage.

I think my subtext paragraph above really involves needing more emotional description and being bold.

Great scene! Looking forward to seeing how you can beef it up with some action lines to describe what you see (and what I saw because I’ve read your outline before), but that’s not on the page for a “first read” reader.

Take a look at my late entry if you get a chance.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Uncertainty Scene

What I learned from this assignment is that every 3-4 lines, the Hope/Fear dynamic oscillates. I’ll have to check my own screenplay for that degree of oscillation.

Notting Hill — After moping around about beautiful actress Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) for six months, William (Hugh Grant) has told his friends he’s over her and immediately hears she’s back in London working on another film. He goes to see her on set since he has no other way to contact her.

EXT. KENWOOD HOUSE – DAY

Now closer to the house, William approaches a barrier — where

he is himself approached.

NOTE: HOPE — Can he see her before she leaves the country again?

SECURITY

Can I help you?

WILLIAM

Yes — I was looking for Anna Scott…

SECURITY

Does she know you’re coming?

WILLIAM

No, no. She doesn’t.

NOTE: FEAR – He won’t get in because he’s not expected.

SECURITY

I’m afraid I can’t really let you

through then, sir.

WILLIAM

Oh right. I mean, I am a friend — I’m

not a lunatic but — no, you basically…

SECURITY

… can’t let you through.

At that moment — thirty yards away, William sees trailer door

open. Out of it comes Anna — looking extraordinary — in a

velvet dress; full, beautiful make-up; rich, extravagant hair.

She has a necessary cluster of people about her. Hair, make-up,

costume and the third assistant who has collected her.

She walks a few yards, and then casually turns her head. And

sees him. Her face registers not jut surprise, certainly not a

simple smile. His being there is a complicated thing.

Cut back to him. He does a small wave. She pauses as the whole

paraphernalia of the upcoming scene passes between them. The

movie divides them. But then she begins to walk through it, and

followed by her cluster, she makes her way towards him. When

she reaches him, the security guard stands back a pace, and her

people hold back. She doesn’t really know what to say…

NOTE: HOPE — He sees her and she sees him and comes over.

ANNA

This is certainly… ah…

WILLIAM

I only found out you were here

yesterday.

ANNA

I was going to ring… but… I didn’t

think you’d want to…

The third assistant is under pressure.

THIRD

Anna.

She looks around. The poor third is nervous — and the first is

approaching.

ANNA

(to William)

It’s not going very well — and it’s

our last day.

NOTE: FEAR – they won’t get to talk.

WILLIAM

Absolutely — you’re clearly very busy.

ANNA

But… wait… there are things to say.

WILLIAM

Okay.

NOTE: HOPE – She wants to talk.

ANNA

Drink tea — there’s lots of tea.

She is swept away, four people touching her hair and costume.

NOTE: FEAR – She is swept away again before they can make any arrangements.

KAREN

Come and have a look…

NOTE: HOPE – Her assistant/PR person invites him to watch and listen to the scene — He’s in.

[Janeen Johnson]

Jodi,

Pam comes off as complex and 3D. Great work. I’m not sure “who the other characters are” in this scene or if she is the only one being introduced here. The others are not as 3D or complex as her so I’m assuming only she is 1) a main character, or 2) being introduced in this scene. That’s fine. As long as the other main characters are introduced like this in their first scenes.

She’s definitely not the “hardened beat cop” or “good-humored local cop” or any other cliche and that makes her much more interesting. You did a good job of including a lot of her character information organically in the scene. Well done.

While Pam is definitely showcased in the scene, I would like her to have a worthy adversary in the scene as well — emphasis on worthy, with “adversary” in quotes. She seems superior already to everyone in the scene and on a par with the coroner. I’d like to see more conflict in the scene to put a little pressure on her, challenge her in dialogue or show off her intelligence, humor or humanity even if it’s good-natured verbal sparring where she has to think a little to avoid losing a round. Maybe make one of the other characters more 3D here as well so we can see a little more of that.

Lots of data provided organically on the victim. Nice way of having Pam use the victim’s name to humanize her.

This was clearly the advertising piece for an actor to play Pam and that part of it shows a lot of her facets. Nice job!

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

I definitely get the feeling that Jack is very selective about what he sees and what he knows about. He sees the guy kicking and screaming and listens just a little to the missing witness story and then shuts it off. Definitely hits that he knows more than he should or wants to.

I like the interplay between Jack, Sal, and Puck. I wasn’t clear whether Sal or Puck was older, but assumed Sal because Jack physically picks on him, but goes easier on Puck. Their relationship with their uncle is clearer here than in earlier versions and I liked that.

Good use of the cat to keep Jack out of sight and good hint to the mob guy that someone from the restaurant saw it when he opens the door and puts out the milk.

Lots of open ended questions about how significant the body bag will be, how Jack seeing it will play out, if the guy in the bag was the witness (presumably so) and why the family hasn’t been “together” before. Great way to open the movie.

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

I’ve been offline for several days. I’ll definitely take a look at yours and would really appreciate your feedback on mine. Thanks!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

Reread your outline and it’s great!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

BOB SMITH

I added some notes (in bold) and put square brackets ([ ]) around parts I thought could be omitted to make some of the Story Logic Web (SLW) shorter. The details, while interesting and necessary to the story, are not necessarily necessary to the SLW. They are only suggestions of course and may have missed the mark on setting mood and level of intrigue you want to convey.

Since this is an adaptation, you may have some creative restrictions, but you definitely have a good story here as the characters watch the Nazis rise and their own fortunes diverge. What great roles for actors you have here!

I offer some suggestions for shortening a few of the SLW components, but honestly liked the story, characterization and plot already so you’ve got a great story to tell.

CONCEPT

Working Title: “Moths Around a Flame:” The Making of “The Blue Angel.”

A. LOGLINE: The making of the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) has an impact on the principal actors, Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that leads to success for von Sternberg, stardom for Dietrich, but ironically, the fall of Emil Jannings in a manner that parallels his role as the professor in the film, whose infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin.

PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.

The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.

LEAD CHARACTERS:

MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.

JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship with his star, Emil Jannings

EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandoned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the neglect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).

NECESSARY QUESTIONS:

A. The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?

B. The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.

C. The Emotional Dilemma:

For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?

For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.

For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.

ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.

In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.

Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.

Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies”) and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich. The penalty if he doesn’t could be imprisonment or worse.

The Theme: Do not judge anyone for an action they performed under a death-threat.

OPENING:

Title: Berlin – American Sector, July, 1945.

EXT: US ARMY HEADQUARTERS –

Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) [presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!”] Jannings seeks asylum from the Soviets in the free (Allied) sector of Berlin.

INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

INCITING INCIDENT: A US Army intake Officer, who is a film buff [wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and] why an actor [and man] of Jannings’ stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which prompts Jannings to tell this story [Jannings replies by telling the story of this film].

INT. SCREENING ROOM – DAY

I’d skip the names in this one.

Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star [(Jannings)], von Sternberg casts an unknown [(Marlene Dietrich)] in the role of the cabaret showgirl [Lola Lola] , [ who is] the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings in the film – who [immediately] believes Dietrich is upstaging him [ as the star which starts their conflict].

INT. THE BLUE ANGEL STUDIO SET – DAY

After filming the first rendition of “Falling in Love Again,” Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings, and fellow cast members Kurt Gerron, and Hans Albers ‘out on the town’ of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola.” [All accept and leave the set and studio.]

INT. SABRI MAHER’S BOXING STUDIO – NIGHT

Dietrich introduces the group to her trainer, Turkish Boxing Champion Sabri Maher and has a faux boxing match with fellow actress Carola Neher, and knocks her out, and then invites everybody to join her at the gay cabaret, Club Silhouette a favorite hangout of show people and the intelligentsia.

INT. CLUB SILHOUETTE – NIGHT

I’d shorten this by summarizing all but the last sentence. Perhaps Professional jealousy is evident in the actor’s banter until Nazi Brown shirts hurl rocks through he club’s windows and Hirschfeld predicts an inevitable Nazi take-over.

Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld (Berlin’s “Einstein of Sex”) invites Dietrich and company to sit with him. In celebration of her getting the part of Lola Lola, Dietrich buys drinks for everyone in the club, including those who said she can’t act. Carola good-naturedly chides Dietrich, “Just because you got the part, doesn’t mean you can act.” Jannings, not good-naturedly, adds: “It’s her legs that know how to act.” When Nazi Brown Shirts hurl rocks through the club’s windows, Hirschfeld frighteningly predicts an end to freedom with a soon and inevitable Nazi take-over.

INT. APARTMENT OF JOSEF VON STERNBERG – NIGHT

It’s probably better to not include dialog in the outline although this dialogue is a superb specimen so I know why you included it.

In regard to von Sternberg’s relationship with Dietrich, his wife (Riza Royce) confronts him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He answers, “I’d sooner share a phone booth with a cobra.”

INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY

Jannings complains to von Sternberg that his relationship with Dietrich and neglect of the other actors is affecting the production and von Sternberg flatters Jannings to defuse the situation. (I know this doesn’t have the flair or voice, but conveys most of what happens)

On a break, Jannings complains to Gerron and Albers that von Sternberg is constantly with Dietrich and neglected his partnership with other actors in creating a great film including the real star of the film, Jannings himself. Gerron and Albers try to reassure Jannings. Von Sternberg appears and Jannings puts his complaints to him directly to which he replies, “Emil, you are the star. Marlene is the novice and needs attention as well as support from you, as the star.”

INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY

The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..

INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY

Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar performances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.

INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY

While Jannings’ German accent makes him unsuitable for Hollywood, he is advised to work in Nazi cinema to protect his Jewish mother. His ??friends?? who also have Jewish connections intend to flee Germany. That may be a little shorter and a bit inaccurate, so definitely reword this one yourself if you feel you should shorten it.

After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood because his accent makes him unsuitable for ‘talkies,’ asks studio chief Alfred Hugenberg (a Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. Jannings informs Gerron and Albers who say that they have plans on what to do in the event of a Nazi take-over, Gerron (a Jew) will flee to France, Albers will send his Jewish mistress to England. Jannings, will protect his mother, a Russian born woman of Jewish origin if need be by working in Nazi cinema.

INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY (AS BEFORE)

In answer the question of how he allowed himself to be used by the Nazis, Jannings tells the US Intake Officer, that if he had not worked for the Nazis he may have died and also his Russian Jewish mother. The US Officer informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”

RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:

Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Army.

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

Enjoyable read!

A few questions:

How old are Puck and Sal? I pictured them 10-12 until I saw that one of them was in love with Traci, then I thought teens.

I would like to see more “why the action in this scene is important” info in the scene outlines. I guess I wanted to see the character arc as well as the plot arc. How did this scene change the boys? What did they take away from this that made them look at the world differently and how did the discovery of this new info/lesson unfold scene by scene during the trip? Is it coming of age for them? (I loved their heroics with the caskets and FBI guy’s gun!). It was clear their opinion of Jack changed, but I wasn’t sure that the scene descriptions delivered on the “a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family” from the concept.

I love the action, road trip, details, etc. I found myself confused about the real role of the FBI and what Jack was supposed to be informing on — presumably Don Vito, but then why are the FBI the bad guys?

It took me a while to get that this was a tale being told by Puck (or at least from the boys’ POV even though they were asleep for a lot of it). When adult Puck (PRESENT DAY) showed up around Scene 14, it cleared up a lot.

By Scene 20, it seems like more of a vacation than a business trip, but then I don’t know what the partner in crime’s role is or why Jack would consider leaving his nephews with LC.

Dry ice emits carbon dioxide (not monoxide). It has the effect you want, so no biggie. Just need to correct the word.

It’s clear that Driver is a “good guy” as far as Jack is concerned, but I wasn’t sure if he was affiliated with Don Vito, the FBI, the partner in crime, or none of the above. While it adds to the tension during the movie, it should be explained how he got involved at the end.

I definitely had a lot of questions and wanted to know more by the end of the outline. You have a flair for establishing the settings, mood and film noir style action. I liked Jack’s situational ethics — he’ll reform, then not so much, in rapid succession. :-> There were a few loose ends — who’s in the body bag, what was in the cooler (the body? How big was that cooler? Did the boys sneak a peek?), and why Don Vito was in LA when they got there.

On a humorous note, I used to live near Atlantic City and a woman I worked with had grown up around there and said sometimes when people called a certain restaurant to make a reservation for a month out, the owner would say they couldn’t do it because that would be the week after the fire so they’d be closed. Apparently, fires were used whenever a renovation/update was needed. :->

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

Sounds good.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Rob,

I think I saw where others had reviewed your SLW so I’ll only verify that I can find the 9 points in your outline.

Opening — Happy family, dad’s prejudice and the accident

Inciting Incident — Disaster fair date with Danny — Danny is ditched — or is it the accident? That’s really early.

What the movie is about — Jack and Annie’s guilt about Nora’s death — or is it about believing your kids? The grief is never really resolved.

First turning point at end of Act 1 — Annie and Jessica know someone else is in the house.

Mid-Point — The message written in blood in the basement

Second turning point at end of Act 2 — Jack investigates the wrecked house only to find the “Marry Me” message and get knocked out. — or perhaps the scene where Annie finds him tied to the chair with Danny in the wedding dress. Yikes!

Crisis: Danny tells Annie to kill her dad and whacks off his hand — kind of a head start. 😮

Climax: Annie whacks Danny instead and gets her dad to safety.

Resolution: Annie’s family moves, but Danny’s back at the house waiting for Don’t Cry Wolf 2 to be written.

Everything seemed to be in the correct place.

The romance subplot kept the middle from sagging and was intertwined with Danny’s terrorizing so that felt very integral.

The callback/subplot about Annie driving was neatly interwoven with her being asked to drive when her parents were drunk to being forced to drive when her dad needed to get to the hospital.

The sequencing had Danny escalating violence. The grief story didn’t seem as well structured. Jack seems to be descending into alcoholism — well, okay, just self-medicating when he’s bummed out — but doesn’t seem to be resolved. Annie doesn’t seem to resolve her grief although she’s driving again.

There were definitely progressive complications with Danny.

If Annie’s dad is “instantly supportive” when she comes out, he should have indicated he had his suspicions or somehow understood what was coming earlier even if he hadn’t admitted it to himself. Otherwise, it seems a little fake given his gay comments that caused Nora’s death.

Other than those minor things, I think you should dream up some fitting terror for family #2 in Don’t Cry Wolf 2.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Rob, I’m right below you. Let’s exchange.

Janeen (janeenmj@aol.com)

[Janeen Johnson]

I sent you what I currently have. A few scenes were added form the Comedy class I’m taking and the scenes we did here.

[Janeen Johnson]

Kathy’s Outline Version 1

***Kathy — I’ll post my comments in here with *** ahead of them so they’ll stand out as I go through your outline, Action Class Skill Mastery Sheet in hand.

Title: CHASING CULTURES

Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.

*** Demand for action is clear in your logline — 3 kinds of danger (storm, blowing things up, catching thieves) and a rookie detective (not a rookie cop who might not have skills) hero — nice — skilled hero. Villains are natural and human. Excellent.

INTRODUCTION: Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)

In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)

INCITING INCIDENT: Detective Susan overhears a man in a Pakistani rug store talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M, danger)

Susan’s Boss tells her to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition)

Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)

She argues with the director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)

Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)

She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)

Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)

Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)

FIRST TURNING POINT: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, but has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)

MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt. (V,danger)

Another subplot:

The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.

Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)

The terrorists decide to kidnap Susan’s wife. (danger)

They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)

They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. She tells the men that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.

The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Susan. They bind her wife’s hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)

The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (danger)

SECOND TURNING POINT: Susan finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Man holds her wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) She shoots and the man dies, the wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb.

Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)

Susan goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. The director almost tells her about the mayor but stops.

The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)

Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)

She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)

Storm off Outer Banks. (V, danger)

Susan calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. (M, V, danger)

CRISIS: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)

Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)

CLIMAX: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. (M)

The hurricane winds pummel the streets.

She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.

The vans leave the parking garage.

The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.

They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.

Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.

The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.

Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room.

Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.

At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.

BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.

Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.

PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.

Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.

They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.

BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.

She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.

Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.

PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.

Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.

Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.

They hear gunshots through the doors.

They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.

Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.

Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.

A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.

Susan discusses the situation.

Susan points at him, Team member 3. Get smoke bombs asap.

The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.

He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in it.

Twenty seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.

Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.

She points at Team Member 2. Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.

He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.

He drags the wounded officer to safety.

Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.

Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.

Susan points to two officers. Take the fourth floor.

They rush up the stairs.

She points to two more officers. Take the third floor.

They rush up the stairs.

Susan points to Team Member 2. Follow me.

She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.

The 4 officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.

Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.

The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.

Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.

In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.

One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.

The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.

Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.

He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. About six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.

The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.

Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING.

Several men try to escape but are captured.

One hostage points to the back door. They took people in there.

Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1. Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.

The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.

Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.

Everyone in the room falls asleep.

Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.

The hostages are free.

Susan looks at her officers. But where is the bomb?

Bomb discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.

RESOLUTION: Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)

Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses and asks for clemency.

Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t.

The mayor is arrested.(M)

The director is given probation. (M)

The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)

Susan and his wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)

They clink flutes with the director.

THE END.

*** Mission Track — The hero’s mission was clear with detractors early on telling her to ignore the overheard conversation. Solving the mystery and racing to stop the bombing were on point.

*** Action Track — Opening with the Iraq war signals this will be action. No more action indicated until the 1st turning point which may or may not be action depending on how she “finds” the thief. Sideswiping at midpoint signals action, but without detail, I wasn’t sure what other action was in the first half.

*** Plenty of escalating action from the midpoint on. Nice that the storm provides parallel escalation.

*** Why do we care? Susan’t family is threatened, kidnapped, etc. Susan is clearly an underdog (being a rookie det. helps) at work. Be sure to add some addition reasons to care early on. I would imagine they would be more in details than plotting points, so I’m not worried that they won’t be there, only that they’re not obvious in the outline.

*** I didn’t understand this line:

She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter.

*** Engaging Action Set Pieces: You’ve definitely demonstrated you know how to do it in the kidnapping sequence and in the UN building sequence. Escalating action, pre- and post-action indicated.

*** My own action sequences are not nearly as tight as yours. I think what I posted didn’t have all of the detail because I am also doing the Comedy class and have added some comedy scenes (actually written since it’s hard to do comedy as an outline) and the one I posted was short enough to meet the max page requirement. Did you pull from a specific Lesson number? If so, tell me which number and I’ll send you that version of my outline. I did mine in Screenwriter and exported to a PDF so it has all of the slug lines in it — they take up a lot of space.

*** Making action unique. I was surprised when Susan set off grenades inside the UN and then decided you must mean flash bangs — the loud and very bright devices thrown in before SWAT and special ops teams enter a room/building to stun/temporarily blind/temporarily deafen occupants of the structure so it’s safer to enter. I’ll assume that’s what you meant. In the military, they literally called them flash-bangs. Not sure what the police call them. — As for the places, the UN is certainly unique, using the various floors and the center open space — and the pendulum.

*** Action Emotions. I saw lots of ways/places emotion came into play so I feel confident you’ve got that.

Twists that Engage us — I saw enough of these to believe you have twists. Major plot twists were at the turning points.

*** Your action descriptions put mine to shame.

[Janeen Johnson]

Thanks, Kathy

[Janeen Johnson]

My guess is that we have the option to send the feedback privately. Then we should revise, repost (or probably revise/replace the post we’ve already done using the edit feature) and get back out there again.

I think I’d rather get the feedback privately and if I have questions/don’t understand a comment, I can ask privately too. Asking to exchange would be nice publicly just so we can see who hasn’t had feedback yet and who we haven’t exchanged with yet. Looks like a small group so far.

[Janeen Johnson]

Yes. I’ll take a look at yours by Thursday.

[Janeen Johnson]

Rebecca,

Thank you for your thoughtful analysis and suggestions. I had more plot than pages available and, as you pointed out, left a lot of opportunities to exploit the interest techniques more on the table. I had tidbits of all of the interest techniques included, but was at 5 pages after tweaking the traits and didn’t want to give my classmates more to read. :-> For cycle #6, I’m going to try to condense my scene to 4 pages so I will have a little room to expand/expound when rewriting.

Thanks again for pointing out specific places where I could do more in a rewrite. I really appreciate it.

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

Lots of twists, surprises, betrayals and other interest techniques used. I saw a lot of the traits used for Brandy as well (status seeking regarding Phillip’s mom, and the rest were more obvious).

Phillip’s guilt-ridden trait showed up well when he was trying to keep his mom’s name out of it. I t think that’s been a hard one to work in, but you did it well. His other traits were more obvious. Good job!

[Janeen Johnson]

Ron,

All of my writing (except for a couple of the novels) have a lot of humor in them and my screenwriting always includes it. I’m trying to get a middle grade novel published that I wrote 20 years ago, but have updated several times over the years.

It’s the journals of 4 kids who were abducted by aliens and each tells his/her own story since they each have their own missions with the aliens. I love the story because it has a lot of intertwined separate threads (much like a Binge Worthy TV show :->). The kids had never met until they were abducted, each works with a different alien culture, they have very different life experiences and backgrounds, and yet, their timelines cover the same 2 days and a few of the same events. The plot outline covered 2 large closet doors with post-its to keep track of the characters, timeline and the various story threads — very complex keeping track of who knew what and still having an independent complete story for each kid — each kid’s journal. That complexity is what made it fun and, I think, why I keep coming back to it.

My screenplays to date have been a family comedy, a romantic comedy and a “RomCom on a mission”. I wrote a half hour comedy pilot years ago that just isn’t right for this class so I’m starting from scratch. Starting from scratch is always fun for me!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

The Lesson 1 forum posting is up so you can post it there.

[Janeen Johnson]

Kathleen,

Maxine’s traits come through in the dialogue very clearly. I didn’t see a lot of Renee’s in her dialogue (Prissy, Devious, Liberal, Outgoing (maybe some outgoing). Devious was clear when she was chiding Maxine about jealousy although that was more insulting.

Maxine was clearly Tricky, Defiant, Paranoid? Emotionally Wounded. Maxine apparently wanted to hurt Renee (and her little girl) by taking her own anger at her father out on Anne-Marie and Raoul.

You got in a lot of interest techniques: a Hook, Dilemma, Predictions, Creating a Future and some seriously Uncomfortable Moments. Nice work!

[Janeen Johnson]

Renee definitely became more unconventional in this version and Maxine responded to her differently as a consequence. Your Interest techniques were still there, but some were modified to reflect new content as Renee’s activities became more unconventional. Well done.

[Janeen Johnson]

Rebecca, Love the rewrite! The pace is faster, the action sharper and there is a reciprocity in the relationship between Nancy and Squire that wasn’t there before. Much more “interesting”.

[Janeen Johnson]

Kathleen,

Your use of the traits and interest techniques was huge. Congrats! Squire’s seductive trait and subtext were almost over the top. I didn’t see Nancy’s subtext of being covertly competitive with her peers (assuming Squire is a peer) very clearly. Her caring, stubborn and confrontational traits were definitely there.

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi James,

Great use of the interest techniques and character traits. I would have like to see more action-related character revelation in the early part of the scene rather than simply moving from place to place. Perhaps adding some personality or subtext to their movements/expressions to convey even more than the dialogue did. Great scene!

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi Rebecca,

I suspect you’ve actually gathered eggs before. :-> I thought that Squire was a little single-minded about seduction. I liked the way Nancy took the number off the egg. I think she wins. 🙂 You incorporated a lot of traits and a good number of interest techniques. Well done.

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi Don,

I loved the twist ending where they get what they deserve for not doing the work. :-> Like others have said, I wanted to see more than talking heads (which is what I always start with too). You did a great job of including the traits. Would like to see the beginning of their conversation and reveal of their previous work together condensed a bit. They have great banter!

[Janeen Johnson]

Hi Sandra,

I like that Izzy used their introduction to what was already planned as a test of their knowledge of his platform. I would have liked to see additional ways to show quiet confidence (other than leaning back in their chairs). Early in the scene, I thought some additional subtext via non-verbals might have helped us see the happiness-go-lucky and seductive sides of Squire. Interesting read. Thank you!

[Janeen Johnson]

Hope, I wanted to know who Kammy/Kimmy/Kam was when she’s first mentioned — Harry’s wife. that wasn’t clear to me early on. Nice use of Trent and Robert’s traits and Heidi’s mugs. 🙂 Robert’s subtext was loud and clear, but Trent’s only came up when he ducked paying for the beers. I also wasn’t clear how he was needy. Robert’s low self-esteem was evident when he skulked back to the table after failing with Heidi. Nice scene, good twist!

[Janeen Johnson]

James, I thought Robert had a low position more than low self-esteem, but Trent lived up to his traits. I didn’t see his subtext of pretended wealth, however. Robert’s subtext was loud and clear. The celebration up front seemed to be missing or very toned down and Robert fared better in the ass kicking (physically) than he did mentally (Trent adds insult to injury by making a mess of the floor and Robert and then having Robert clean it up because it’s his job). The back room is the floor below, so not taken literally. Trent must be a master manipulator to get a half-full water bottle off the cooler and upright so he could drop it. 🙂

[Janeen Johnson]

Kathleen, interesting scene, but Robert kind of disappeared through most of it. Trent was definitely needy, aggressive and conspiring. I found having so many characters in the scene rather confusing and didn’t really understand the past relationship of Wendy and Trent, nor the connection between Delores and Trent, nor the connection between the bikers and Bryan & Wendy’s engagement party in a biker bar. Are they bikers too? I wasn’t clear on that. Perhaps some description lines indicating those dressed as bikers and those not (assuming Robert or Trent aren’t bikers). The length limit may have caused you to eliminate some of that, but I found some of the initial dialogue about drinks and seats to be more mundane than revealing. That may have been my overload of confusion coming through. If this is the middle of the story, it’s not unusual to have relationships already explained simply referred to or assumed. In this case, because this is isolated from the rest of the story, I found it confusing. Good characterization overall, just a lot of relationships I didn’t fully understand.

[Janeen Johnson]

I felt I got to know these two during the scene. Well done. Nice tension as they begin to set up Robert for his ass kicking. 🙂 I also saw all of the traits and subtext for each character displayed during the scene. Well done.

[Janeen Johnson]

Juliet,

Your depiction of Trent is spot on with his traits and subtext. Robert’s subtext is right on. He’s a character all of us have struggled with, I think. Smooth and gregarious vs. Low Self-Esteem. You did a good job with this. He is gregarious in the opening and the low self-esteem shows up when he deals with Trent (which makes sense that showing personality traits differs depending on the company the character is in). Good job!

[Janeen Johnson]

Sam,

Thanks for the response. Everything was smushed to the left (which yours is too), but mine had no spaces between lines. I’ll correct the spacing, but won’t worry about the leftward slam. Thanks!

Janeen

[Janeen Johnson]

I’m going to take that as a sign that I may have an audience for this script. Thanks! (And congrats on the weight loss!) Janeen