Jean Stone
Forum Replies Created
-
Marie’s Character Introductions
While completing the assignment, I discovered two things:
One, I worked hard on Ramon’s introduction in the previous draft, and it paid off. The intro works well and does exactly what I wanted it to do. Two, Antonio’s intro was a nothing burger. As in, there’s almost nothing there. Maria’s was also in bad shape. I opted not to change Ramon’s, and work on Maria’s instead, but I can list Ramon’s beats for you.
Ramon Madera
1. After Zabala exorcizes the ghosts of the mother and child, sending them screaming into the night, we cut to Ramon, mid 40s. He wakes up screaming. The cries of the mother and child still ring in the air around him.
2. Looks around the rough tent, still shaking and covered in sweat. It’s just after dawn.
3. He checks on Eulalia – still asleep – gives her a tender kiss and rolls out of bed.
4. Reaches for his Mexican cavalry uniform. As each piece of clothing goes on, he feels calmer, more confident. This isn’t just a uniform – it’s emotional armor.
5. Once dressed, he tugs at the coat, checking for wrinkles. There are none. He looks impeccable. He is the face of the newly installed Mexican Republic. And his job is to make it look good. Exits the tent.
6. He sits at a portable desk outside while his men break camp, writing a letter to General Guerrero. In it, he confesses that he’s worried that his efforts won’t be enough to shore up the fragile infant republic. He hears a faint echo of the mother and child again. His pen hesitates, then keeps going.
7. Sergeant Lopez approaches and confirms that this is the last mission they visit, and Ramon says yes. He’s been dreading this visit and it shows.
My goal here was to tease the link between Ramon and the ghosts and give a sense of his trauma and use of self-control as coping mechanism. I brainstormed other ways to do it to fulfill the assignment, but none worked as well as this one. It’s not flashy, but this is a ghost story, and this intro is creepy, it’s emotionally evocative, and it hits every one of his traits listed in the character profile. The visuals are great too – I set the camp in an old growth redwood forest. I have plans to send this to a specific director/producer who has offered to read something from me, and this is right up his alley. It stays.
Now, we move on to the others.
Original introductions:
Antonio Alvarez
1. Antonio is described as fit despite his age. Then, a detailed description of his over-the-top Californio outfit – it is a display of wealth and power. (This description is designed to give you a sense of his pride in his Californio heritage and grandiose personality, but it falls flat.)
2. Antonio works the room at the party. Flirts with Eulalia and gives Ramon a back-handed compliment – his uniform is so fancy that he could almost be mistaken for full-blooded Spanish.
That’s it. Nothing burger.
And Maria’s is worse.
Maria Alvarez de Madera
1. In the early draft, we don’t see her until page 31, sitting by Enrique as he’s dying, already spitting venom at Ramon about the ranch. She’s escorted away. She’s described as having a face that’s pinched and bitter.
Not even a nothing burger. More like a wilted piece of broccoli on an otherwise empty plate.
I brainstormed new ways to introduce these characters. Given that Ramon is the protagonist, it would only slow the pacing to divert to a different location when introducing them, so I have to keep it at the Mission. I decided that the introductions for Antonio at the party made him blend in with the other characters too much, so I chose instead to do it before Ramon arrives, while everyone is waiting for him.
Antonio:
(Everyone milling around, buzzing with anticipation. Guests are rare here.)
A man steps into their midst, well into his late forties but still trim and muscled. He lifts his lasso and spins around, pushing the crowd back to create a makeshift stage, his flirty smile full of mischievous promise. He keeps his poncho swept back to show off a velvet coat, elaborately etched botas, and a waistcoat festooned with an obscene number of gleaming gold buttons. The epitome of a wealthy and powerful Californio.
This is ANTONIO ALVAREZ.
The crowd oohs and aahs. They have seen this show before, and they love it.
Whirls the lasso into motion and launches into a display of prowess, the rope spinning around him like a dance partner. His motions call to mind a matador, smooth and precise.
The crowd cheers, whooping their approval. Antonio bows with a flourish, eating up the adulation.
The Mission bell rings and someone yells out, He’s coming!
Everyone rushes to the front of the Mission, leaning forward as they watch the road. Antonio is left alone, his smile fading away.
People sort themselves into groups automatically – Californio families front and center, native workers lined up in rigid rows, flanked by a handful of guards and the two friars, and a ragtag band of vaqueros, loitering on the edges of the crowd.
Antonio pushes through to the front, taking his rightful place beside his father.
(Applauds politely during the speech, not bothering to hide his boredom.)
This does indeed allow him to burst onto the scene in all his grandiose and attention-seeking glory. It’s splashy and colorful, and there is a nice sense of symmetry between this and Ramon’s description. I talk about Ramon’s uniform in detail and then do the same for Antonio’s outfit, underscoring the contrast between the two men. This is worlds better than the old intro.
Maria:
I opted to introduce Maria at the beginning of the party:
MARIA ALVAREZ DE MADERA, 44, sweeps through the revelry, working the room with abandon. She doesn’t get to do this nearly as much as she would like.
Her eyes flash and her lace fan flutters like a swarm of butterflies, in a calculated artifice of delicacy. In her youth, every man in the room would have been panting for her, but the years have betrayed her, stripping away her softness and leaving only sharp edges and unyielding stone. In truth, the steel was always underneath, but she preferred the illusion. Using the dagger without the cloak is no fun at all.
She drops a compliment here, a joke with the musicians there, then homes in tonight’s prey: Ramon.
I’ve written some dialogue for her here, but this scene requires that I weave her into an ongoing discussion between several other characters, which is proving tricky. Either way, she flirts with Ramon and tries to get him to stare at her with longing as he once did, but he barely looks at her. Then, she waits for the band to strike up a song, declares it’s always been his favorite, and drags him onto the dance floor. She’s a terrific dancer, and she goes over-the-top sexy with it, talking to him about old times. He doesn’t take the bait and rejects her outright. When the dance is over, he leans over her hand but doesn’t touch it with his lips. And now her father and husband are both angry because she made a scene and embarrassed them.
Granted, this isn’t the most wildly original introduction for a character, but out of the options I brainstormed to introduce her at this party, this was the best. The old one is all dialogue. This gives her some action, and gives you a sense of the unpredictability, vanity, and relentlessness that are her primary traits.
Antonio’s first lines of dialogue are also at the party, and I’m still working on those.
-
Marie’s Character Beat Sheet
What I learned: Exploring each beat from the individual characters’ point of view helped me make all my characters more active and really pumped up the interactions and conflict. The script flows better and even fleshed out the overall story.
Ramon Madera
Role in the story: Protagonist
Core character traits:
– Responsible
– Controlled
– Protective
– Intelligent – a Man of Reason
– Passionate about his ideals
Character subtext logline: Ramon is a traumatized soldier who wants to complete this mission to drum up support so he can move on with his life and leave the past where it belongs – behind him.
Want: Give his speech, get support where he can and get back to Mexico City to start his new life. Need: to remember his past and deal with his trauma so he can truly move on and feel whole.
Flaw: All the sublimated trauma has given Ramon a violent temper when he encounters certain triggers.
What makes this character unique: The idealistic passion, trauma, and vulnerability that lies beneath the stoic exterior.
Overall Story:
– Beginning: Arrives, ready to do the bare minimum and go home
– Middle: Investigates Enrique’s death
– End: Calls the spirits and takes an honest look at what they show him
Ramon’s Story Beats:
– Arrives and delivers a rousing speech about the new government, then schmoozes at the party. Quickly realizes these people are locked into their same old ways and not open to what he has to say.
– Maria makes a pass at him while dancing and he turns her down.
– Refuses to stay and take over the ranch when pressured by Enrique.
– Releases Ushi and beats up her attackers.
– Steps into leadership role when Enrique’s body is found and investigates the death.
– Checks the work rooms, stables, and Maria’s room for Enrique’s missing whip.
– Has a run-in with Antonio after dinner, and Domingo interrupts before it can get physical.
– Tries to convince Ramirez to stay, unsuccessfully.
– Notices Zabala seems unhinged at the funeral.
– Manuevers verbally when Domingo approaches and is suddenly all friendly. He doesn’t trust this sudden change in demeanor and quickly susses out what Domingo really wants.
– Stops Zabala from dragging Ushi out of bed and whipping her. Discovers Zabala has the whip.
– Searches Zabala’s room. Tells the priest that there are no demons, just a murder, and Zabala has the murder weapon. If Ramon finds out the priest did this, he will see him thrown out of the order. Leaves and takes the whip.
– Checks out the whip. It brings back memories. Hears a child’s voice in the fog saying, “I made it for you, Papa.” Asks who’s there. The little boy he saw before steps out of the fog and he tries to follow – the boy disappears.
– Antonio calls him a slur and he hears voices in the fog. Keeps walking, ignoring both Antonio and the voices.
– Finds Eulalia in their room, shaking and upset. She says she’s just tired because of the baby and wants to go home. It feels cold here.
– At dinner, notices that everyone is looking rough and acting off. Eulalia is very tense around Antonio. When Antonio follows them outside and looks at them, she’s nervous.
– Confronts Antonio, demanding to know what he did to Eulalia. They fight and Cascon and Domingo break it up. Ramon backs off, until Antonio says that no matter what he does or how many medals he wears, he’ll still be a cholo. He lunges at Antonio again and then reins himself in.
– After Ramirez returns and dies, Lopez (Ramon’s second-in-command) tries to convince Ramon to leave and he refuses.
– Ramon checks on Eulalia after her fall and recognizes the woman in her drawings as his mother. Voices crowd around him and he clutches his head as a jumble of memories begin to rise to the surface, but he doesn’t want to see them. He runs out of the room.
– Goes to Santos and asks how he gets the spirits to leave. Santos doesn’t answer.
– Goes out looking for the little boy spirit and gets a key.
– Finds the diary kept by former priest, which mentions something bad that happened on a raid.
– Takes the journal to Cascon to get details, but Cascon can’t give them – he wasn’t there. The people who were: Enrique, Domingo, and Antonio.
– Goes to confront Domingo and finds him dead.
– Comes out of Domingo’s room to find the Mission has erupted into violent chaos.
– Grabs Lopez and tells him to dig in at a defensible position while Ramon goes and gets Eulalia.
– Finds the door smashed open! But then he finds Eulalia under the bed. Holds her, crying with relief – he thought he had lost her.
– Takes Eulalia and makes his way through the fog, trying to avoid combatants. Can’t get to Lopez.
– Sees a light out by the cliffs, away from the fighting, and heads there.
– His mother appears and Eulalia can see her as well, saying that she saved her from Antonio. Ramon drops to his knees. Remembers the song she taught him and calls the spirits to him. They show him what really happened the night his mother died.
– Antonio attacks and they fight. Ramon gives him to the fog spirits.
– Says goodbye to his mother.
– Leaves for Mexico City, having helped Cascon restore order.
Most of the changes I made to Ramon’s story give his emotional journey more breathing room. He has more interactions with the spirits, even if he’s choosing to ignore what he hears them saying. Those interactions give more clues about how he’s feeling as these old memories slowly resurface and they also give clues about the identity of the woman and the little boy. I also escalated the tension between Ramon and Antonio throughout.
Antonio Alvarez
Role in the story: Antagonist
Core character traits:
– Grandiose
– Has to be the center of attention
– Arrogant
– Bully
– Deeply insecure
Character subtext logline: Antonio is a racist bully who wants to be seen as the best by making Ramon look like a loser.
Want: To win, to be right, to be seen as better than Ramon. Need: To get approval from his father.
Secret: He cut a strap on his older brother Jaime’s saddle as a kid, so that Jaime would fall and lose a race. Jaime died. Antonio lied to himself that it was an accident, but he wanted Jaime out of his way. He likes to think of himself as being all about his family, but when it comes to it, he’s not capable of that kind of selflessness.
Overall Story:
1. Beginning: Antonio wants to show everyone that he is superior to Ramon.
2. Middle: Between Domingo’s abuse and the ghost’s taunts, he is slowly losing everything.
3. End: Unable to admit his own sins and faults, he blames Ramon and tries to kill him. The Fog Spirits drag him away.
Antonio’s Story Beats:
– Antonio is annoyed when Ramon arrives and everyone is fawning all over him, like they forget that he’s not even really Spanish, just jumped-up mestizo trash.
– Tells some old stories to take Ramon down a peg at the party.
– Takes Maria back to her room after they find Enrique’s body. He tells her that it’s him and she doesn’t have to pretend to care about that old drunk. He’s gone and she’s still here. Take the win. She tells him what Ramon did to Balto.
– He goes to visit Balto. Comes out pissed, but Domingo tells him to stick with the plan. This changes nothing. For Antonio, it changes everything.
– Seething about what Ramon did to his son and egged on by Maria, he picks a fight after supper, but Domingo breaks it up and then accuses Antonio and Maria of killing Enrique and says they are both stupid. Antonio was supposed to convince Ramon that he was an old friend and that he’d left childish rivalries behind, but he couldn’t even do that one simple thing right. Domingo is trying to build an empire and Antonio is messing everything up, again. Domingo tells Antonio and Maria to stay away from Ramon while he tries to clean up the mess they’ve made.
– Sees his dead brother and freaks out. Jaime insults him and says he’s better than Antonio even dead – Domingo wishes it was him here with him rather than Antonio.
– Hears voices in the basilica during the funeral.
– Drinks more to try and drown out the voices, but it isn’t working. Calls Ramon a slur to get a rise out of him, but it doesn’t work.
– Sees Jaime again, and the ghost accuses him of murdering his brother to get him out of the way. Antonio denies it, saying it was an accident.
– Corners Eulalia and makes sexual advances – she’s too good for Ramon.
– Stares at Eulalia during supper.
– Taunts Ramon and when they fight, Domingo breaks it up again. As they are dragged apart, Antonio gets in another jab, telling Ramon that no matter how many medals he wears, he’ll still be a cholo.
– Maria tells him that Domingo plans to disinherit him. He says he’s all that old man has. Bernardo can’t run everything. But he can’t stop thinking about it. (Flesh out this conversation – in what context is she telling him this? What is her agenda here?)
– Is tormented by Jaime, showing him ghosts of all the people he has hurt, telling him he’s going to end up alone and forgotten. Snaps and stabs Jaime, who dies in his arms – it seems real. Then the body fades away, leaving him alone. Can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t anymore.
– Confrontation between Antonio, Maria, and Domingo. Domingo says he will disinherit them, and Maria stabs and kills him. Tells Antonio that Domingo never loved them, that they can both get what they deserve. Leans in seductively, and Antonio thinks she’s another spirit, tormenting him, so he stabs her, but it turns out she’s the real Maria, and he has killed her. He runs outside.
– Busts into Ramon’s room, but his rival isn’t there. Looks for Eulalia instead, but the ghost of the woman attacks him and sends him flying out of the room.
– Violence erupts at the Mission. Antonio can see are threats and ghosts. He kills everyone he runs across. He runs someone through and then realizes he has killed Balto, his son. Blames Ramon and goes looking for him.
– Jumps Ramon and they fight. Still insults and taunts Ramon until the spirits drag him away.
Changes: I added a lot of details that make Antonio’s descent into madness smoother and give a better sense of who he is and why he does what he does.
Father Francisco Zabala
Role in the story: priest who’s a problem for protagonist
Core character traits:
– Religious zealot
– Ambitious
– Bigot
– Worried about appearances
Character subtext logline: Zabala is an ambitious religious zealot who wants to destroy anything that he sees as wrong or against the Church.
Identity: He sees himself as the ultimate Franciscan friar and representative of the Church. To challenge his authority is to challenge Church itself, which is sacrilege.
Agenda: He wants to distinguish himself in this post so he can move up by being a perfect living example of what he thinks a priest should be and by saving as many souls for Christ as possible. He wishes that he could have come earlier when none of the heathens had yet been converted, because then he could have saved more souls. But he doesn’t see the natives as people – just a tally of souls to send to heaven. He has little interest in making their lives better.
Overall Story:
1. Beginning: Sees the spirits roll in and mistakes them for demons, exorcises them.
2. Middle: The spirits come back and this time he can’t cast them out. They torment him with images of all the harm done to the neophyte workers in the name of religion and drive him increasingly mad.
3. End: Unable to admit that the Church’s practices, and by extension his own, have resulted in great wrong, he flees and throws himself off a cliff to his death.
Zabala’s Story Beats:
– Sees the Fog Spirits rolls in and assumes they are demons. Exorcises them and ignores the ridiculous native superstitions that they will come back.
– Hosts the party for Ramon and the other community leaders. Doesn’t like all the talk of equality and voting rights. Church doctrine holds that humans should be ordered into a strict hierarchy, with the king on the top. This kind of thinking is a danger to the Church and the proper order of things.
– The Fog Spirits return. He tries to exorcise them again, but it doesn’t work. He flees into the church and prays for divine help.
– Enrique shows up dead and Zabala tries to explain that it’s demons and he knows what to do, but Ramon takes over and ignores him. He pushes and Ramon tells him that he plans to focus on the human element, while Zabala focuses on spiritual protection for everyone. Cascon deems this an excellent idea, and Zabala realizes he has lost the crowd. Tells Ramon that he will regret this.
– He prays to God for the power to destroy these demons in His name, along with those who serve them. He wants to be shown the way to win this battle for God.
– Does the funeral rites, only to find himself beset by the demons again, this time in the guise of starving children. They disappear, and he realizes the congregation is staring at him, alarmed. They can’t see the demons. He is all alone in this fight.
– He is writing in his journal and describes his struggles with the demons and his isolation.
– Sees another demon while teaching school to the kids – this time a toddler who has been whipped bloody. He yells at the demon that he won’t be tempted to mercy by wearing the guise of innocent. He knows the demon’s true face and he will see it destroyed. The demon disappears to reveal that the kids are crying and cowering as he screams at them. Cascon runs in and urges him to rest while he takes over the class. Cascon tries to lead him away to bed, but he pulls away. He knows what needs to be done and he will do it.
– Marches to the workers’ quarters, whip in hand, and demands that they bring out Ushi. Ramon blocks him again, pries the whip out of his hand and forces him to watch helplessly as his room is searched. He tells Ramon that he has no right, that God will curse him for this. Ramon asks if he killed Enrique. If he did, Ramon will see him thrown out of the order for this.
– Prays and finds himself suddenly burning alive from inside with fever, as a rash wends its way up his arms. He panics, thrashing on the ground.
– Zabala can’t tell the difference between apparitions and reality – everything around him is twisting and turning into horrors of illness and death. Sees a bald woman. She is covered in blood – her head is shaved and her arms and legs covered in sores from the shackles on them. She lifts a stillborn baby, the umbilical cord still attached, as blood pools beneath her. Zabala turns away and squeezes his eyes shut, and blood drips off the baby and onto his face. He screams.
– Runs back to the workers’ quarters, still smeared with blood, and has his guards drag Ushi out of bed. The workers crowd around, begging him to stop, but he can’t see them. All he can see is demons. They demons growl and snap, closing in on him and he fends them off with the heavy silver cross he’s carrying. Hits something solid, and his vision clears to reveal that he has buried the cross deep into Ushi’s skull, killing her. The workers eyes all turn to him, filled with rage and loathing. He flees.
– He runs, pursued by the spirits, hitting him, cutting him open until he bleeds. Throws himself off the cliff where he had first exorcized the spirits.
The changes I made to Zabala’s story mostly fill in the gaps, so he’s not just cropping up in the larger story at random. Listing his beats from his point of view helped me pinpoint how he was feeling, how things were escalating for him, and what actions he would take when confronted, so his new beat list shows him being more active and makes his scenes more dynamic.
Eulalia Terrazas de Madera
Role in the story: wife of protagonist
Core character traits:
– Artistic
– Curious
– Warm/Loving
– Insecure
Character subtext logline: Eulalia is an artistic young woman who wants to protect Ramon and the baby she’s carrying and get back to Mexico City before the birth.
World View: Eulalia is the only major character who is young. She was sheltered before the war and then saw the horrors of it, but she has seen little of the world before marrying Ramon, and she wants to see things, do things, and have space to figure out who she is, something her parents never gave her.
Wants: To be a good wife. Needs: To find a sense of agency and be seen and loved for who she is.
Secret: Her father abandoned her family during the war and disappeared, leaving the family unprotected and vulnerable. She is afraid of being abandoned and left alone again – one of the reasons she picked Ramon as a husband was his drive to protect. She’s nowhere near as passive and clueless as she seems at first.
Overall Story:
1. Beginning: Arrives, curious about Ramon’s childhood home that he never talks about and prepared to help him finish his job and return to Mexico City before her baby is born.
2. Middle: Tries to figure out the mystery of what the ghosts want.
3. End: Helps Ramon face his trauma and goes home knowing him and herself better.
Eulalia’s Story Beats
– Talks to Ramon as they break camp. She can tell he’s dreading this last mission visit, but she doesn’t know why. He hasn’t told her much about his family or childhood.
– Cheers Ramon during his speech and works the room with him. His father seems nice, if a bit overbearing, while the Antonio and Maria are obnoxious. She supports him by telling the crowd about his accomplishments – he won’t brag about himself, so she does it for him.
– Wakes to find Ramon has left the bed and is staring out the window. Draws him back to bed and comforts him.
– Cuddling with Ramon in the bed and asks if they are really packing to leave already. He offers to stay a bit longer if she needs to rest and she says no, she wants to get back to Mexico City before the baby is born. Cascon knocks and asks Ramon to come out – it’s his father.
– Follows Ramon and Cascon out and sees Enrique’s body. Pulls Ramon’s hand gently away when he tries to shield her eyes and reminds him that she’s seen worse during the War. Notes that Enrique doesn’t look like he drowned.
– Maria approaches her and tells her that her baby will miscarry.
– Sees a woman in the fog while she’s drawing. Eulalia tries to approach and talk to the woman but she disappears into the fog. Eulalia looks down and realizes that the picture she was sketching was of the woman she just saw.
– Eats supper with the other guests in silence. Everyone is very tense.
– Antonio confronts Ramon as they are walking back to their room. She steps back to give her husband room to fight if he needs to, and then pulls him away once the argument is over. Outside the room, he stares into the fog like he sees something but when she asks, he says it’s nothing.
– Helps Cascon polish the wood carvings in the church. Finds one that looks like the woman in the fog. Cascon tells her that Enrique carved it, inspired by Ramon’s mother.
– Runs after Cascon when they hear the children screaming and finds Zabala gibbering about demons and scaring the kids. The goes to the children and calms them down. Suggests instead of what Zabala had them working on, they read about Daniel calming the big scary lions.
– Goes to the library in search of a new book to read. Hears a voice telling her to leave, go. Unnerved, she turns to leave, only to run into Antonio. He corners her and makes sexual advances. A pistol cocks and Lopez tells Antonio to step away from her. Escorts her back to her room and posts himself outside the door.
– Goes back to her room and breaks down, shaking all over. Ramon finds her like that. She tells him that she’s tired because of the baby and wants to go home. It’s cold here. Leans into him as he tries to warm her.
– Feels jumpy at supper with Antonio at the table. She tries to cover it up, unsuccessfully. Ramon figures it out and jumps Antonio, starting a fistfight.
– Eulalia cleans Ramon’s wounds after the fight and he asks if she is really okay. She says Antonio just scared her. Lopez made him leave, but now she can’t stop thinking about her sister. Confesses a harrowing experience during the War – men broke into the house and her sister made her hide, but she saw what they did to her sister. Ramon had been told that the sister died of cholera. He realizes Eulalia has some traumas of her own. Says that if he could, he would take away that memory.
– Ramirez comes back and dies. They bury him and a grim quiet seems to set in, as everyone begins to realize that they really are trapped.
– Eulalia is drawing a picture of Maita (the cat) and sees the woman again. When she approaches, the woman turns – she’s caked with dirt, like she crawled out of a hastily dug grave, bleeding from multiple wounds, and the side of her head is a ruined, gory hole. She reaches for Eulalia and she screams and falls, banging her head.
– Wakes up scared. Ramon comes to check on her and she tells him that she saw the woman, she wants us to leave. When he asks what woman, she points to her drawing book and he opens it, stares at her pictures in horror, sinking to the floor and clutching his head. She tries to explain that the woman wants them to leave, she said we have to go. He jumps up and runs out and she calls after him, begging him to come back.
– Alone in the room, she hears the woman’s voice again. This time it tells her to hide. Danger. She grabs Ramon’s pistol and ammo out of the chest and crawls under the bed, loading it with shaking hands. Footsteps approach the door and she hears Antonio’s voice, calling for Ramon. He kicks in the door and pauses, then shifts gears and looks for her. She stays quiet and readies the pistol as he stalks around the room. Pauses by the bed. He’s figured out where she is. Then she hears the spirit hit him. He flies out of the room. Swats at the air, shrieking. Runs away into the night.
– Ramon comes in looking for her. She waits to be sure it’s really him and then calls out to him. He helps her out from under the bed and holds her close. They gather the rest of his weapons and go.
– Follows Ramon as he weaves through the Mission, trying to avoid combatants in the fog. They can’t get to his men. She sees a light in the other direction and points it out. He heads for it and she follows him.
– Ramon’s mother, the spirit woman, appears. Eulalia watches as he summons the spirits and she sees what they show him.
– Antonio attacks and is dragged away.
– Ramon’s mother says goodbye, first to Eulalia, then Ramon. The fog vanishes and she comforts Ramon.
– Leaves for Mexico City.
Changes: Eulalia has more agency as a result of the changes, and I was surprised to discover that many aspects of the original draft that I really liked ended up making their way back into the script during this process in a newer and better guise, particularly for Eulalia.
Maria Alvarez de Madera
Role in the story: sister of antagonist and former flame of protagonist
Core character traits:
– Unpredictable/Moody
– Relentless in pursuit of what she wants
– Vain
– Proud
– Manipulative
Character subtext logline: Maria is an abused and embittered woman who is done being a pawn and wants her own power – she wants to keep control of the ranch.
Something she doesn’t want to admit to herself: Maria regrets that she caved to family pressure and married Enrique instead of running off with Ramon. She wonders what her life would have been like, and she hates seeing him successful and happy while she has been left behind.
Overall Story:
1. Beginning: Comes to the party hoping to rekindle her romance with Ramon and is quickly rejected.
2. Middle: Fights to keep the ranch.
3. End: Kills her father and Antonio strangles her to death, thinking she’s one of the fog spirits.
Maria’s Story Beats:
– Comes to the speech and party in her finest gown, excited to see her old lover, and then she has to watch as Enrique fawns over Ramon and his pretty young wife in her fancy fashions from Paris. Ramon used to love her, but when she talks to him on the dance floor, he is cold and makes it clear that he doesn’t want her anymore now that he has someone younger and more beautiful.
– Argues with Enrique and goes to their room without the drunken old bastard.
– Wakes to discover that Enrique’s body has been found and makes a big show of grief while blaming Ramon for his death.
– Goes back to her room with Antonio. He tells her to drop the wailing widow act and take the win. Enrique is gone and she’s still here to reap the rewards. She likes the sound of that. She tells him that Ramon beat up Balto, one of the guards told her all about it. Ramon beat him up for disciplining some Indian witch. Enrique wouldn’t do anything about it, but she knows Antonio will.
– Ramon searches her room. She accuses him of the murder again and says that everyone knows he did it. He grabs her arm, exposing the bruises that Enrique left on it and says that this is what everyone knows. Then she taunts him about how she rejected him and slept with his father in his mother’s bed. He tells her he never thought about her for comfort during the War, not once. She’s left raw and hurting, with the spirits whispering in her ears.
– During supper, everyone is tense and quiet, while the spirits whisper away. She can hear them.
– Urges Antonio to go after Ramon and get rid of him, but when he does it, Domingo stops the fight before it can get started.
– Domingo slaps her around, asks whether she or Antonio killed Enrique, and calls them stupid. They are ruining all his carefully laid plans, and he’d rather have Ramon for a child than either of them. He warns her to stay away from Ramon.
– Sits at the funeral service for her husband and cries in all the appropriate places. Makes a show of going to kiss Enrique’s cold withered cheek and whispers that he can rot in hell – everything that was his is now hers.
– Overhears Domingo tell Ramon that Bernardo will be running things when he is gone, not Antonio.
– Sees Eulalia playing with Maita, the Mission’s cat, and tells her that it will make her miscarry her baby. She says she would know. She miscarried more Ramon’s brothers and sisters than she could count. They died and died until she had no more tears left to cry for them. Eulalia says she’s so sorry and Maria tells her to save her pity for herself. She’s going to need it.
– Intercepts Ramon while he’s checking one of the workshops, hoping to garner some sympathy. He tells her again that he’s not interested in the ranch and she needs to turn around and walk away before one of them says something else that they can’t take back. They talk about their relationship when they were young.
– Picks up on weird vibes between Antonio and Eulalia at supper and is irate.
– Yells at Ramon after he jumps Antonio, saying that her brother doesn’t care about Ramon’s stupid whore.
– Pulls Antonio aside and dresses him down – please tell me you aren’t pissing off Domingo to chase after that girl. No wonder he plans to disinherit you. He argues, saying that Bernardo can only watch the stock – he doesn’t have the smarts or the balls to deal with the bigger stuff. Maria tells him that Domingo doesn’t agree. He’s never loved either of them – they are just tools to use in all his little plans. We do all the dirty work and he gets the reward. Leaves Antonio to stew on that.
– Finds Antonio right as he is losing it after his last encounter with Jaime. She tries to calm him, but he can’t seem to see her. He was her last ally and she’s losing him as well.
– Confrontation between Maria and Domingo. She stabs him, then tries to calm Antonio, telling him that now they are free of him, and they can both get what they deserve. All they have to do is kill Ramon. He chokes her to death.
Changes: Maria was by far the least developed character in previous drafts, so this process really helped me get to her core and make her far more active in the story. She interacts with the other characters in more meaningful ways.
-
Marie’s Character Profiles
What I learned: The story beats and the characters proved to be even more intertwined than I had realized. Many of the changes in beats necessitated changes to the character profiles.
Logline: A veteran of the brutal Mexican Wars for Independence is sent to the childhood home he swore he would never set foot in again to gain support for the newly installed Republic. But when a bank of fog driven by angry spirits traps him there, he and his childhood tormentors must face nasty truths about their pasts or die.
Ramon Madera
Role in the story: Protagonist
Core character traits:
– Responsible
– Controlled
– Protective
– Intelligent – a Man of Reason
– Passionate about his ideals
Character subtext logline: Ramon is a traumatized soldier who wants to complete this mission to drum up support so he can move on with his life and leave the past where it belongs – behind him.
Want: Give his speech, get support where he can and get back to Mexico City to start his new life. Need: to remember his past and deal with his trauma so he can truly move on and feel whole.
Flaw: All the sublimated trauma has given Ramon a violent temper when he encounters certain triggers.
What makes this character unique: The idealistic passion, trauma, and vulnerability that lies beneath the stoic exterior.
Changes: Previous iterations of Ramon were not as passionately idealistic. Ramon experienced a lot of things during the war that made him more practical and cynical than he would otherwise have been, so before, I had shied away from describing him that way. How could a person who has experienced that much violence and death still be considered idealistic? But it doesn’t work that way for everyone – some people double down on patriotism under similar circumstances. So, this version is still very passionate about his ideals, even though he now has seen exactly how much human nature makes the fulfillment of those ideals next to impossible. It’s what got him through the war and it still influences how he acts and reacts in the story. He doesn’t just stay at the Mission because the weather is dangerous – he does it because this new government is supposed to serve the people and help them solve problems. If he can’t even solve a murder, how are these people going to buy into what he’s trying to build?
Antonio Alvarez
Role in the story: Antagonist
Core character traits:
– Grandiose
– Has to be the center of attention
– Arrogant
– Bully
– Deeply insecure
Character subtext logline: Antonio is a racist bully who wants to be seen as the best by making Ramon look like a loser.
Want: To win, to be right, to be seen as better than Ramon. Need: To get approval from his father.
Secret: He cut a strap on his older brother Jaime’s saddle as a kid, so that Jaime would fall and lose a race. Jaime died. Antonio lied to himself that it was an accident, but he wanted Jaime out of his way. He likes to think of himself as being all about his family, but when it comes to it, he’s not capable of that kind of selflessness.
Changes: I changed Antonio from being someone who is very competitive and racist (seeing himself as superior because of his Spanish blood) to being a full-on narcissist (who also happens to be racist). This makes him a little less nuanced as a character, but it also means he is more active. He wants Domingo’s approval, but he’s just too selfish to abrogate his own urges and desires in order to support his father’s plans. It makes for more and better conflict between him and the other characters.
Father Francisco Zabala
Role in the story: priest who’s a problem for protagonist
Core character traits:
– Religious zealot
– Ambitious
– Bigot
– Worried about appearances
Character subtext logline: Zabala is an ambitious religious zealot who wants to destroy anything that he sees as wrong or against the Church.
Identity: He sees himself as the ultimate Franciscan friar and representative of the Church. To challenge his authority is to challenge Church itself, which is sacrilege.
Agenda: He wants to distinguish himself in this post so he can move up by being a perfect living example of what he thinks a priest should be and by saving as many souls for Christ as possible. He wishes that he could have come earlier when none of the heathens had yet been converted, because then he could have saved more souls. But he doesn’t see the natives as people – just a tally of souls to send to heaven. He has little interest in making their lives better.
Changes: I didn’t make any extreme changes to Zabala – he does what he’s supposed to, and he and Cascon are foils for one another. I did make his ambitions more prominent than they were before. He’s not just a zealot who’s keen to prove himself. He’s an ambitious zealot who wanted to be beatified and recognized as great. Despite the performances of piousness and poverty, there is grandiosity about him that wasn’t there before.
Eulalia Terrazas de Madera
Role in the story: wife of protagonist
Core character traits:
– Artistic
– Curious
– Warm/Loving
– Insecure
Character subtext logline: Eulalia is an artistic young woman who wants to protect Ramon and the baby she’s carrying and get back to Mexico City before the birth.
World View: Eulalia is the only major character who is young. She was sheltered before the war and then saw the horrors of it, but she has seen little of the world before marrying Ramon, and she wants to see things, do things, and have space to figure out who she is, something her parents never gave her.
Wants: To be a good wife. Needs: To find a sense of agency and be seen and loved for who she is.
Secret: Her father abandoned her family during the war and disappeared, leaving the family unprotected and vulnerable. She is afraid of being abandoned and left alone again – one of the reasons she picked Ramon as a husband was his drive to protect. She’s nowhere near as passive and clueless as she seems at first.
Changes: Previous versions of Eulalia have been focused on her past traumas and overcoming them. Those traumas are certainly still there, but I wanted her focused on her future and all the stuff she wants to do. She wants to see and experience things, and she wants to see Ramon as he really is, and be seen the same way, which makes her more active in digging into the past and approaching the ghosts to see what they want, which wasn’t the case in previous drafts. She is the only major character who doesn’t either deny the existence of the ghosts or refuse to see what they are trying to show her.
Maria Alvarez
Role in the story: sister of antagonist and former flame of protagonist
Core character traits:
– Unpredictable/Moody
– Relentless in pursuit of what she wants
– Vain
– Proud
– Manipulative
Character subtext logline: Maria is an abused and embittered woman who is done being a pawn and wants her own power – she wants to keep control of the ranch.
Something she doesn’t want to admit to herself: Maria regrets that she caved to family pressure and married Enrique instead of running off with Ramon. She wonders what her life would have been like, and she hates seeing him successful and happy while she has been left behind.
Changes: I added that she is relentless in pursuit of what she wants, which automatically makes her more active – both of my female characters needed work in having more clearly defined goals and agendas of their own. The other thing I added was the regret about Ramon. The old version of Maria was driven more by racism than regret. This will give scenes between her and Ramon more layers of subtextual tension and affect how they react to each other.
Honestly, some of these character changes, for all the characters, were built into the changes I made in the beat sheet. I put newer, more interesting interactions that hadn’t been there before, and those affected the descriptions of the characters. For this assignment, I mostly just had to pinpoint how they had changed.
-
Marie’s Beat Sheet
What I learned: how to brainstorm story beats quickly and then go over them and rewrite them immediately. Normally, I’d have to wait before I could evaluate my work with an unattached eye. Isolating the beats was helpful.
Logline: A veteran of the brutal Mexican Wars for Independence is sent to the childhood home he swore he would never set foot in again to gain support for the newly installed Republic. But when a bank of fog driven by angry spirits traps him there, he and his childhood tormentors must face nasty truths about their pasts or die.
1. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Father Zabala sees the Fog Spirits rolls in and runs out to the cliffs, shoving aside Ushi, a native girl, and interrupting her song of comfort. He exorcizes the spirits, ignoring her warning that they will come back and be angry.
2. EXT. REDWOOD FOREST – DAY
Ramon has been sent to all the Missions in California to drum up support for the new Mexican Republic. He has one more left and he’d rather be going anywhere else.
3. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon arrives to cheers from the locals. He delivers a rousing speech about the new government. The workers are ecstatic about equal rights for everyone, while the rancheros seem less enthused.
4. INT. MISSION, GUEST DINING ROOM – DAY
Ramon schmoozes at the party. Antonio, his childhood bully, mocks his mestizo heritage to humiliate him, while his father Enrique brags about his achievements.
5. INT. MISSION – NIGHT
Enrique waylays Ramon in private pressures Ramon to abandon the lucrative post awaiting him in Mexico City and stay. When Ramon tries to explain what the Republic means to him, Enrique brushes it off.
6. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon goes for a walk to clear his head. Finds Ushi locked in the stocks, whipped and bleeding. A couple of the Mission’s handful of guards (including Antonio’s son Balto) are groping her and talking about assaulting her. Ramon beats them for disgracing the uniform and releases Ushi.
7. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The Fog Spirits roll back in over the Pacific and they are angry. Zabala sees the bank of fog coming and flees to the chapel.
8. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – DAY
Cascon fetches Ramon from his room. Says it’s his father.
9. EXT. MAIN COURTYARD – DAY
The fog is so too thick to see more than two feet. Enrique lies in the fountain, dead, and covered in strange markings. The other settlers have gathered around. Ramon asks who saw him last.
10. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
We see Enrique as Domingo, Ramirez, and Cascon tell Ramon when they last saw him. He was drunk, he argued with his wife Maria, one settler saw him talking to a someone, but they can’t say who. It got heated and Enrique was shouting.
11. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon asks Cascon to show him every whip or tool that might have made the marks on the body and tells the settlers to stay together and stick to the common guest areas or their rooms.
12. INT. BARN – DAY
Ramon checks the guests’ gear and discovers that Enrique’s custom whip with his initials on it has gone missing.
13. INT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon checks Enrique and Maria’s room, while Maria accuses him of the crime. Doesn’t find the whip.
14. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Eulalia is drawing and sees a woman in the fog, but she disappears. When Eulalia looks down, she realizes that the picture she was drawing was of the woman.
15. INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The guests all eat dinner together. The room is silent and tense.
16. INT. COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Maria asks Antonio if he’s just to sit there while Ramon does this to his son, to her. He follows Ramon and Eulalia as they leave.
17. EXT. WALKWAY – NIGHT
Antonio confronts Ramon for laying hands on his son. Domingo interrupts and draws Antonio away, saying that he’s bad at being drunk.
18. EXT. WALKWAY – NIGHT
On the way back to their room, Ramon sees a little boy in the fog. Tells Eulalia it’s nothing.
19. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Domingo confronts his kids and demands to know whether one of them killed Enrique. Domingo has plans to build an empire and they are ruining it for him. Stupid.
20. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Antonio staggers outside and hears the voice of his dead brother Jaime. Laughing and saying that Antonio was never good enough.
21. INT. BASILICA – DAY
At the funeral, Zabala sees starving children, their cheeks and eyes sunken, clutching at his robes with bony little fingers. He cries out and backs away, only to discover that they are gone, and the congregation is staring at him, alarmed.
22. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramirez and his people decide to brave the weather and return home.
23. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Domingo approaches Ramon and tries to convince him that he is an ally. Tells Ramon that Antonio won’t inherit – his younger son will. Maria is around the corner eavesdropping and hears him.
24. INT. MISSION – DAY
Eulalia helps Cascon polish the Mission’s many carved wooden sculptures. Finds a statue of the Virgin Mary whose face is the same as the woman in the fog. Cascon tells her that Domingo carved it based on Ramon’s mother.
25. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Zabala is teaching class to the Mission’s children and sees the starving ghosts again, this time covered in bleeding whip marks. He starts ranting and screaming, frightening his students. He’s convinced he’s being attacked by demons.
26. INT. WORKSHOP – DAY
Ramon continues his search with Santos, the leader of the workers helping him. Santos says most of the workers are singing to try and placate the spirits, but the ghosts don’t want to leave. The priest made them angry.
27. EXT. WORKER’S QUARTERS – DAY
Ramon hears yelling and investigates, to find Zabala stalking the workers’ quarters, whip in hand, screaming for them to bring out the witch. He wants to beat her until she calls off the demons. Ramon pries the whip from his hand and realizes it’s Enrique’s.
28. INT. ZABALA’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon searches Zabala’s room and finds a diary. Zabala says that all the Mission’s priests keep an account of their time here.
29. EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Ramon sees the little boy again, beckoning to him, so he follows. The boy disappears into the fog.
30. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Ramon walks past Antonio, sprawled across a bench, swilling wine. As he passes, Antonio spits on the ground and calls him chango. He pauses, then keeps walking.
31. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Antonio sees Jaime again, more clearly this time. Jaime says he was always better than Antonio, just like Ramon. That’s why Antonio killed him. Antonio says it was an accident.
32. INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Eulalia is looking for a book to read. Hears a woman’s voice whispering to leave, run. She gets spooked and turns to go, runs into Antonio. He corners her. Cascon interrupts.
33. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramirez limps/crawls back to the Mission, saying that his people went crazy, seeing things that weren’t there. They were all lost or killed.
34. INT. MISSION – DAY
Lopez, Ramon’s second-in-command, tries to convince him to leave and he refuses.
35. INT. ZABAL’S ROOM – DAY
Zabala is praying and erupts into a raging fever and burning rash. He screams.
36. EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Eulalia sees the woman again, but this time, she is gruesome, covered in dirt and bleeding from terrible wounds – there is a huge hole in her head. Eulalia screams and falls, hitting her head.
37. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon checks on Eulalia. When he asks her what woman she saw, she points to her drawing book. He looks and finds one picture of the woman after another, each more horrifying than the next. He recognizes the face. Drops the drawings and clutches his head, then flees into the fog.
38. INT. WORKER’S QUARTERS – DAY
Ramon finds Santos, who is in bad shape, and asks how they can make the spirits leave. Santos says you have to see. When Ramon asks what he has to see, Santos won’t answer.
39. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon goes looking for the boy, who appears and gives him a key.
40. INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Ramon finds a journal written by Zabala’s predecessor. It mentions something bad that happened during a raid but gives no specifics.
41. INT. CASCON’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon takes the journal to Cascon, who says he wasn’t there and doesn’t know what happened. The only people left who were there are Domingo and Antonio.
42. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Antonio continues to see his brother Jaime, who shows him the ghosts of all the people he hurt. Antonio snaps and stabs him. At first, it seems real – Jaime dies in his arms. Then the body disappears to the sound of mocking laughter.
43. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Maria tells Antonio that Domingo plans to disinherit him. He confronts his father, who berates him. Maria kills Domingo. Tells Antonio that now they can get what they both deserve. Antonio chokes her to death. He waits for the apparition to disappear, but it doesn’t. He really killed her. He runs out into the fog.
44. INT. BASILICA – NIGHT
Zabala prays desperately for heavenly assistance, while all around him are horrors of illness and death. A woman, shaved bald and covered in filth and sores from her shackles lifts a stillborn baby, the umbilical cord still attached. Blood from the baby drips onto Zabal’s face, staining him red. He screams.
45. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Covered in blood and carrying a large silver cross, Zabala has his guards drag Ushi across the ground, screaming for her to call off the demons. The workers crowd around, begging him to stop, but their faces blur and turn into ghosts. He attacks wildly, swinging his cross at them, then hits something solid. His vision clears and he sees that he has caved in Ushi’s skull with the cross. The workers all stare at him, enraged. He runs.
46. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The spirits pursue Zabala, surrounding him, hitting him. He throws himself off the cliff.
47. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The workers attack Zabala’s guards. The Mission erupts into violent chaos.
48. INT RAMON’S ROOM – NIGHT
Eulalia can hear the fights and screaming. The spirit woman’s voice tells her to hide. She locks the door, grabs Ramon’s gun out the chest and slips under the bed. Tries to load it, her hands shaking. The doorknob turns. Then something hits the door, hard. Antonio barrels into the room, calling for Ramon. Then the feet start moving around, looking for her. Something hits him and throws him out of the room.
49. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Ramon goes to confront Domingo and finds him and Maria dead.
50. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon exits the building and sees the violence. Grabs Lopez as he runs past, tells him to dig into a defensible position while Ramon gets Eulalia.
51. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – NIGHT
Ramon finds Eulalia hiding under the bed. Helps her out and grabs his weapons. Eulalia helps him gather the gear and they go.
52. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Cascon begs everyone to stop, to no avail. He is forced to hide and pray.
53. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
54. Antonio moved through the compound, covered in blood and killing everyone he sees. Runs someone through and realizes he has killed Balto, his son. Tells his dying son that it wasn’t him, it was them. He will kill them all.
55. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon runs with Eulalia, trying to avoid combatants in the fog. A light appears near the cliffs, away from the fighting. They go to it.
56. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
A spirit appears and it’s the woman. Ramon recognizes his mother. She reaches out and he drops to his knees. Dredges up a half-remembered song. He calls the spirits to him. They come, coalescing and swirling around him. The boy appears and joins the woman, and Eulalia recognizes him – he’s a younger version of Ramon. The spirits show Ramon the truth. Enrique, Domingo, and Antonio hunted her down when she tried to return to her people with Ramon. They killed her in front of him and clubbed the boy unconscious when he tried to interfere. When he came to, they convinced him it was bandits.
57. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Antonio attacks out of the fog. They fight. Ramon tells Antonio the spirits won’t leave until he sees. He has to look at what he did. Antonio laughs wildly and says that lying whore deserved it – he’d do it all again if he could make Ramon watch. Ramon lifts his weapon and shatters Antonio’s leg, then backs away and lets the spirits have him. They drag Antonio into the night, screaming.
58. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Ramon’s mother spears again and he says goodbye to her.
59. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The spirits fade, the fog clears, and the frenzied violence evaporates.
60. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon and Eulalia say goodbye to Cascon and head back to Mexico City.
-
Assignment Day 2
Spirits of Cypress Point
What I learned doing this assignment: A couple of things. I had determined when I read the old draft before the class that spreading the action out across three locations was a huge part of the problem, so I did Assignment 1 all at the Mission, which was immediately helpful. What I learned doing this one was how much that one change would not only illuminate the script’s structural problems but would require me to literally throw out about two-thirds of it. Ouch. So, I tossed it, leaving me with only the most vague structural points to work with and nothing to present. I then had to brainstorm more detailed plot points, for everything past the Inciting Incident, and then brainstorm them again, which took much longer than 48 hours. I’m exhausted, and I still have to get feedback and do it again, but it’s done, and it was very productive. The other thing I learned was that I was trying to use Big Things happening for my plot points like I would in an action film when this is a ghost story – it has to start very small and creepy and get bigger to work. Big Things don’t have to be happening for things to be happening.
I am presenting you with the second pass because the first was mostly question marks.
Logline: A veteran of the brutal Mexican Wars for Independence is sent to the childhood home he swore he would never set foot in again to gain support for the newly installed Republic. But when a bank of fog driven by angry spirits traps him there, he and his childhood tormentors must face nasty truths about their pasts or die.
Main Conflict:
Opening: Father Zabala exorcises the Fog Spirits, ignoring Ohlone girl Ushi’s warning that they will come back and be angry.
Ramon arrives at the Mission. He is greeted with enthusiasm as a local boy who made good, but he soon realizes that nothing has changed here. The leaders of this community have no interest in equal rights or justice – they are too wrapped up in petty squabbles and grievances. And Antonio, who bullied him as a child, is still as aggressively racist as ever. Ramon orders his men to pack up and get ready to go home as quickly as possible.
Inciting Incident: The Fog Spirits roll back in and as the locals predicted, they are agitated and angry. The fog is too thick to see more than two feet away – Ramon is trapped at the Mission, along with everyone else.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: To survive and escape, Ramon must figure out how to deal with these dangerous ghosts, as well as his old enemy, Antonio.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Enrique’s body is found in the fountain, covered in strange marks. Ramon sets about trying to find out what happened.
Mid-Point: Ramon hears Eulalia scream and finds Antonio sexually assaulting her. He fires his pistol but the figure disappears into the mist. Worse, he realizes that he nearly shot his wife. He realizes that this is a supernatural problem and abandons the investigation, turning his attention to figuring out how to deal with the spirits.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: After seeing increasingly horrifying apparitions, Zabala is losing it. He drags Ushi out of her hut, calling her a witch and screaming for her to call off her demons. He looks around at the crowd of workers gathering and all he can see are ghostly apparitions. Attacks wildly, swinging and stabbing at the ghosts, only to have his vision clear and realize that he has just killed Ushi. The workers stare in horror and rage. Zabala runs away, leaving his young guards to face the angry workers. The spirits pursue him, surrounding him and zooming around, hitting him. He backs away and finally flees, throwing himself off a nearby cliff. The Mission erupts into violence and chaos.
Crisis: Ramon’s efforts to figure out what the spirits want have failed. He goes out into the fog and dredges up a half-remembered turn and sings. He calls the spirits to him, they swirl around him, like a hive of angry bees. Then, the boy appears, followed by the woman, Ramon’s mother. She shows him the truth. She wasn’t killed by bandits as he had been told. Domingo, Antonio, and Enrique hunted her down when she tried to return to her people with Ramon, and killed her in front of him, clubbing the little boy unconscious when he tried to interfere. When he came to, they convinced him that it was bandits. Ramon sees everything now.
Climax: But Antonio is still out there, seeking Ramon, and the spirits have driven him insane. He attacks, and they fight. Ramon tells Antonio that he knows what he did. Antonio says that he would do it again, spouting hate and venom. He won’t change or see truth. He is beyond saving. Ramon strikes a non-lethal blow and then walks away and lets the spirits take him.
Resolution: The spirits fade and the violence with them, leaving the survivors to pick up the pieces.
-
Marie Stone’s Logline and One Page!
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that this story can be distilled into a logline and One Page far more easily than I thought. The story already feels much clearer than in the previous drafts.
Working Title: Spirits of Cypress Point
Logline: A veteran of the brutal Mexican Wars for Independence is sent to the childhood home he swore he would never set foot in again to gain support for the newly installed Republic. But when a bank of fog driven by angry spirits traps him there, he and his childhood tormentors must face nasty truths about their pasts or die.
One Page:
Central California, 1824. Father Zabala’s prayers are interrupted by the sound of Fog Spirits rolling off the Pacific, encasing the Mission in mournful cries. He sprints out to the cliffs and spots a young Ohlone girl singing a traditional song of comfort and knocks her down, performing an exorcism. The spirits flee wailing into the night, and the girl cries out that they will come back and be angry. Zabala calls her a witch and has her hauled away.
Ramon Madera arrives at the Mission with his wife Eulalia and a complement of soldiers to represent the newly installed Mexican Republic. He has visited every town in Alta California, and he’s been dreading this one the most – it was his childhood home, and he thought he had left it behind for good. The crowd greets him with fanfare, but as soon as the celebration begins, the claws come out. Enrique Madera, Ramon’s abusive father, is still angry with him for leaving and wants an apology. Maria Alvarez, Enrique’s second wife and Ramon’s one-time sweetheart, thinks Ramon is here to steal the ranch from her. Maria’s father Domingo and brother Antonio are still racist bullies and try to embarrass and undercut Ramon, pointing out his mestizo heritage. And Zabala, a big believer in everyone knowing their place, vents his hostility to the very idea of a republic. Disgusted, Ramon orders his soldiers to pack for Mexico City as quickly as possible – he’s done with these people.
In the night, the Fog Spirits roll in over the water and blanket the Mission once again, their sad cries now turned to rage. They attack Enrique and kill him. Everyone awakes to find the fog so thick that they can’t see more than a foot or two away. No one is going anywhere. When Enrique’s body is found, accusations start to fly. Ramon steps up and assures everyone that he will figure out what is going on and bring the killer to justice. As he investigates, the fog spirits begin to mess with people’s minds, making them see things – horrible apparitions from the past. Every awful thing they have done and everything others have done to them manifest into terrifying life. They all begin to lose their grip on reality. Antonio becomes increasingly erratic and violent. Maria grows more paranoid and manipulative. Eulalia is terrified that men are coming to kill and rape her, as they did to her sisters during the war. Ramon sees and hears a dead woman and her child, but he refuses to acknowledge them – he is a man of reason, not superstitious nonsense. Zabala sees ghosts of all the natives who have died, victims of the Mission system that forced them to convert and used them as slave labor – all the comforting symbols of his faith are turned into horrifying scenes of illness and torture. He blames the native workers and punishes them, but it only worsens the problem. Determined to fight these demons, he attacks one, only to discover that he has murdered the native girl. The workers erupt into a revolt, and Zabala throws himself off a cliff. As the Mission is engulfed in violence, Antonio kills his father and sister, then blames Ramon and comes for him. The fog spirits confront Ramon with a long-buried memory – his native mother was not killed by bandits. Domingo, Antonio, and Enrique hunted her down when she tried to return to her people, and killed her in front of Ramon, clubbing the little boy unconscious when he tried to interfere.
Ramon sees everything now. He takes down Antonio and greets his mother, singing her the traditional song. The spirits fade and the violence with them, leaving the survivors to pick up the pieces. Ramon organizes a fairer system for the workers and departs for Mexico City.
-
Hi, I’m Marie. I’ve written around ten scripts, optioned a couple, nearly sold one, and entered a number of contests. Then I took a break to care for my special needs daughter. Now, I’m looking to jump back in, starting with rewriting a piece I shelved a few years ago because it wasn’t working. I write primarily horror, sci-fi, and fantasy. Something unique about me…I’m a history and horror buff, and the particular piece I’m working on is dear to my heart – a period ghost story. Looking forward to getting to know everyone!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jean Stone.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by