Jeff Bryce
Forum Replies Created
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Question to ALL: Is anyone going to PHONE a Producer that you don’t know? You know, COLD CALL!?
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What I learned… Lots of great ideas, comments and input in this section. Thanks to all.
Dear Producer:
I just finished THE BEST PAINKILLER, a Crime Thriller about a Canadian anesthesiologist who kills more than surgical pain.
Synopsis:
A doctor and his wife obtain legal custody of their infant grandson due to their daughter’s drug abuse. When the doctor learns his grandson needs experimental life-saving treatment not covered by health plans, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling broker.
Fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, the broker sells the boat and keeps the money.
Appeals to authorities fail, and his daughter’s and grandson’s situations decline, so the doctor takes matters into his own hands. He confronts criminals on their turf and dispenses his own kind of medicine.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Jeff Bryce
(contact info)Bio: Jeff is a published landscape photographer and writer, and his screenplays place in current contests.
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Jeff’s Marketing Campaign
What I learned is I need to use IMDbPro to find producer contact info.
1. I’ll market to producers.
2. Use IMDbPro to find producers’ contact info. Send letters. Make calls.
3. Ditto.
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Jeff’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is… (nothing yet, as I need feedback)
Here’s my current Query Letter
Dear Producer:
Would a doctor kill to save a loved one?
Title: THE BEST PAINKILLER
Genre: Crime-drama Thriller
Logline:
A doctor takes revenge when a swindler steals money intended for a baby’s life-saving treatment.
Synopsis:
A doctor’s wife has legal custody of their infant grandson. When the doctor learns his grandson needs expensive cancer treatment, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling swindler.
The swindler’s recent smuggle blows up and he’s on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, and fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, he sells the boat and steals the money.
Bad plan. The doctor is an anesthesiologist, renowned as the best painkiller. The authorities prove useless, so the doctor confronts criminals on their turf.
Nobody comes out a winner… Inspired by a true story.
Ensemble cast with a variety of ethnically-diverse supporting roles, cameos and voice only.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Jeff Bryce
(contact info)Bio: Jeff is a published landscape photographer and writer, and his screenplays place in current contests. His unique points of view are shaped through his professional experiences as a financial & tax advisor, and laborer as a teen and young man.
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Jeff’s Target Market
What I learned is (1) there are many producers that are untouchable (big names, and a guy in jail!), (2) seems like anyone can be a producer (one of the films on my list has 22!), and (3) I need to keep changing my logline—have 10-20 to suit the mood of the reader/listener/producer and the god-knows-what/who.
Title: The Best Painkiller
Logline: A doctor takes revenge when a swindler steals money intended for a baby’s life-saving treatment.
Genre: Thriller (crime/drama)
10 movies: Nocturnal Animals (2016), Dark Waters (2019), Mother (2017), Nightcrawler (2014), You Were Never Really Here (2017), Drive (2011), Split (2016), Black Swan (2010), Run (2010), Uncut Gems (2019).
6 actors: Jake Gyllenhaal, Oscar Isaac, Natalie Portman, Katrina Bowden, Isabela Merced, Adrien Brody.
It took many hours to do the process of copying & pasting the names to 15 pages. A hodge-podge of 100s of names. Now what? (The exercise is obvious and basic for those in the industry. But I don’t know anyone on the lists of producers.)
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I followed the instructions to find the producers of Notting Hill, but at “more” it takes me to a screen “Become a IMDbPro member today” and wants $12.50/month. The instructions should say to click “All cast and crew”!
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Jeff’s Phone Pitch
What I learned is I need to lead with my Title.
“Hi, I’m Jeff Bryce and I have a Thriller titled The Best Painkiller. Can I tell you about it in 20 seconds?”
Producer’s Office Response: “No.” After hearing “NO” in 30+ SPICY ways from more Producer Offices, a tired voice says: “Why the f*** not”. So, realizing they’re talking my language, I say:
“The Best Painkiller answers the question: Would a doctor kill to save a loved one? The hero is an anesthesiologist renowned as the best pain killer. He not only kills patients’ pain, he kills pain-in-the-ass people. #1 on his list is the boat swindler who sold his heirloom boat and made off with the proceeds, which were meant for his grandson’s cancer treatment. At this point, the doctor’s very willing to confront any criminals on their turf. And it’s inspired by a true story.”
What the budget? $10-30 million.
Main roles? Hero: Jake Gyllenhaal or Chris Evans. Villain: Leonardo DiCaprio? Hero’s wife: Kate Bosworth or Kristen Bell. Head Cop: Adrien Brody pops to mind. And there are other great supporting roles for native Indians—one a larger role—some Asians, both Chinese and Indian, and maybe a few more white people. And we’ll have some fun cameos & voice-only.
Pages? 104.
Who else has seen this? No one.
Why does it fit our company? I see that you produced the Thriller (blank), the Neo-Noir (blank), and the Dark-Comedy (blank). I thought (blank) was exceptional. And its budget fits mine.
How does the movie end?
To give context, near the end, the estranged father—the father of the doctor’s grandson—has killed his boss and recovered cash from a faked drug buy. He gives a bag to the doctor containing the doctor’s 7-iron head—used in a killing—and cash to pay for half his son’s cancer treatment.
In the second last scene, as relatives watch, the doctor helps a resident exchange a tracheal tube on a young terminal cancer patient. They bungle the procedure, and she dies. She’s the first patient he’s lost. In the doctor’s lounge, he questions his abilities and decides to take a break, as his oncologist friend reminds him there’s always room for the best pain killer.
The last scene starts with a smooth pink granite shoreline of a Great Lake, and the doctor in a kayak with his grandson, now a toddler. He tells him a touching story about his mother, then turns the kayak so the grandson can see his grandma, with camera in hand. The grandson smiles. She shoos them ahead and they paddle into the mist as a hawk feather floats by… (Earlier in the film we see that the estranged father has a color tattoo of two hawk feathers—a native Indian symbol of guardianship.)
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Jeff’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned is to keep working on the pitch, just as I would the umpteenth draft of a scene, dialogue, or screenplay. Keep it simple and easy to understand, so it’s a natural part of me. No memorization, it simply flows from my heart.
My Pitch:
“I’m a published landscape photographer and writer, and my screenplays have placed in a few contests. I have a Crime/Drama Thriller called The Best Painkiller. (pause) It answers the question: would a doctor kill to save a loved one? The hero is a doctor—an anesthesiologist—renowned as the best pain killer. (pause) He not only kills patient’s pain, he kills pain-in-the-ass people.”
Budget: $5-20 million. I imagine it filmed in and around Hamilton, Ontario. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a toxic shoreline of steel mills, juxtaposed with hiking trails to 40 natural waterfalls, and about 50 miles west of Niagara Falls.
Actors: The lead hero is a handsome doctor about 40. I imagine someone like Chris Evans or Jake Gyllenhaal. His wife is petite and a similar age. Perhaps Kate Bosworth or Kristen Bell, and we’d need a look-alike as her daughter. The boat-broker villain is about 45 and Italian. Perhaps Leonardo DiCaprio. There are supporting roles for two cops, a strong native Indian in his 20s, and two females. There are smaller roles for native Indians, Asians, a French Canadian, and tiny quirky roles for cameos & voice only.
Acts:
1. A day-in-the-life of a doctor who’s an anesthesiologist, and a young grandfather. A light scene of a patient recovering from surgery, a Code Omega of a woman bleeding out after childbirth, to page 7, where he learns that his infant grandson has cancer. Outside, it’s a scuzzy world and a drug smuggle goes wrong. The worlds collide when the doctor unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a broker, who’s the swindler who arranged the botched drug smuggle.
2. The doctor’s daughter is a struggling addict, and that’s why the doctor and his wife have custody of the infant. The broker has money troubles of his own; he sells the boat, and delays payment. The broker knows the system, and the doctor gets no help from any of the authorities. Despite the doctor’s repeated reminders of his grandson’s life-threatening condition, the broker lies, then steals the boat proceeds. The doctor tracks him down and injects him.
3. The doctor goes to the funeral, realizes where the money is, and retrieves half of it, which is enough to pay for the first of two treatments. In a crack house, the daughter ODs. His wife is followed and stabbed. The stabber confronts the doctor and is killed by the doctor’s 7-iron. The infant’s estranged father makes amends by killing his boss and the hitman targeting him—all native Indians. He retrieves a large sum from his faked drug deal, keeps half, and gives the other half to the doctor for his son’s treatment.
Ending:
In the second last scene, as relatives watch, the doctor helps a resident exchange a tracheal tube on a young terminal cancer patient. They bungle the procedure, and she dies. In the doctor’s lounge, he questions his abilities and decides to take a break, as his oncologist friend reminds him there’s always room for the best pain killer.
The last scene starts with a smooth granite shoreline of a Great Lake, and the doctor in a kayak with his grandson, now a toddler. He tells him a touching story about his mother, then turns the kayak so the grandson can see his grandma, with camera in hand. The grandson smiles. She shoos them ahead and they paddle into the mist as a hawk feather floats by. (Earlier in the film we see that the estranged father has a color tattoo of two hawk feathers—a native Indian symbol of guardianship.)
What have I done? Nothing produced, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this made. Rewrite any scene and dialogue, be on the set, even direct. Whatever is needed. I’d love to direct. I have experience as a manager and entrepreneur. And being a photographer I’m able to easily vision and capture each scene.
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Jeff’s Query Letter
What I learned is the query letter is the essence of the script. I’ve already got future scripts in mind due to this lesson.
Dear Producer:
Would a doctor kill to save a loved one?
Title: THE BEST PAINKILLER
Genre: Crime-drama Thriller
Logline: After a doctor is swindled by a boat broker, he endangers himself and his family as he tries to recover stolen money intended for his grandson’s life-saving treatment.
Synopsis:
A doctor’s wife has legal custody of their infant grandson. When the doctor learns his grandson needs expensive cancer treatment, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling swindler.
The swindler’s recent drug deal blows up and he’s on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, and fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, he sells the boat and steals the money.
Bad plan. The doctor is an anesthesiologist, renowned as the best pain killer. The authorities prove useless, so the doctor confronts criminals on their turf.
Nobody comes out a winner. Inspired by a true story.
Ensemble cast with a variety of roles, including cameos and voice only.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Jeff Bryce
(I would add my address & phone numbers too)
jeff@bryce.caBio: Jeff’s screenplays place in current contests. His unique points of view are shaped through his professional experiences as a published landscape photographer & writer, financial & tax advisor, and laborer as a teen and young man.
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Jeff’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned is… keep it simple and intriguing.
THE BEST PAINKILLER
Genre: Crime-drama Thriller
Logline:
After a doctor is swindled by a boat broker, he endangers himself and his family when he confronts criminals who stole money intended for his grandson’s life-saving treatment.
Synopsis (Draft 1):
Would you kill to save a loved one? Would a doctor?
After learning his grandson needs expensive and experimental cancer treatment, a doctor unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling swindler.
The swindler’s most recent drug deal blows up and he’s on the edge of bankruptcy. Desperate, and fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, the swindler steals the needed money.
Bad plan. The doctor is an anesthesiologist, renowned as the best pain killer.
Inspired by a true story, nobody comes out a winner.
Hooks:
· Unique villain seems charming, funny, relatable, but he smuggles, steals and is a chronic liar.
· Unique hero is an anesthesiologist renowned as the best pain killer. Expert in his interior world, unwitting to the outside world of crime and filth. He & his wife are forced to care for their daughter’s baby due to her drug abuse.
· Opening Scene. Introduces dirty mysterious city, the hero in three different hospital situations – a funny moment, a life & death crisis, and the inciting incident of his grandson’s cancer.
· Turning Points. The villain hatches his plan to obtain a no-liens letter to steal money from the hero that was intended for the grandson’s treatment. The villain is killed, as are others loosely related. Hero’s wife is knifed and in a coma. Hero’s daughter ODs.
· Emotional Dilemma. Grandson’s cancer: don’t pay for treatment, he’ll die. Daughter’s drug problem: fix it or she’ll die. Villain’s finances: steal/win money or he’ll be ruined. Hero learns he’ll never get his money from villain—what to do? Hero’s wife is knifed and they may lose custody of their grandson. Estranged father wants to help pay for cancer treatments, but doesn’t have the funds.
· Major Twists. Smuggle goes south. Villain is lousy with money. Hero kills twice. Hero’s daughter dies. Hero’s wife is knifed. Estranged father kills twice.
· Reversals. Hero’s wife lives. Estranged father gives hero money.
· Character Betrayals. Villain betrays/lies to everyone. Daughter doesn’t commit to rehab.
· Big Surprises. Grandson’s cancer. Wife knifed. Daughter dies. Hero kills. Estranged father kills and gives money.
Other things:
· Exterior city is its own oozing, scummy character, contrasted with the aseptic interior world of the hospital and hero’s house.
· Symbolism: cigarettes, drugs, hawk feathers, clear water (Clearwater, the original title), etc.
· Parallels: Hero and sub-hero both kill twice. Connecting bonds: daughter and grandson.
· Diverse cast and parts, including simple voice over, cameo, one scene, minor oddball characters.
· Reminds some readers of the movie Fargo and the writings of Elmore Leonard.
· Unique Canadian location/perspective.
· Opportunities to use unique music.
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Jeff’s High Concept/Escalator Pitch
What I learned is… an elevator pitch is fantasyland. I’ll never be in a coincidence or situation of meeting a producer, director, actor, or whatnot. Although on a fluke, I shook Bill Clinton’s hand in 2000 after his birthday dinner, and I heard him say to my youngest: “How ya doin’ young man?”
1. Would I kill to save a loved one? Would a doctor kill to save a loved one?
2. A boat broker ripped off my boat and money. And he knows I need the money to fund my grandson’s cancer treatment.
3. Ditto.
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Jeff Bryce’s 10 Most Interesting Things about THE BEST PAINKILLER
What I learned is to keep these things top of mind. Be able to say them in a few words or sentence. And be ready to expand if asked.
Hooks:
· Unique Villain. Boat service and broker. Seems charming, funny, relatable, but then he smuggles, steals and is a chronic liar.
· Unique Hero. Anesthesiologist = painkiller. An expert in his world, naïve to outside world. Young grandfather & his wife are forced to care for daughter’s baby due to her drug abuse.
· Opening Scene. Introduces dirty mysterious city, the hero in three different hospital situations – a funny moment, a life & death crisis, and the inciting incident of his grandson’s cancer.
· Turning Points. The villain hatches his plan to obtain a no-liens letter to screw the hero. He’s killed. Others are injured, OD, or are killed.
· Emotional Dilemma. Jacob’s cancer: don’t pay for treatment and he’ll die. Sherry’s drug problem: fix it or she’ll die. Jack finances: steal/win money or you’ll be ruined. Steve learning he’ll never get his money from Jack: Jack doesn’t deserve to live, so I better do it and not get caught. Debra is knifed and they may lose custody of their grandson. Tom wants Jacob to know who he is/was: he’ll kill to make it happen.
· Major Twists. Smuggle goes south. Jack is lousy with money. Steve kills twice. Sherry dies. Debra is knifed. Tom kills twice.
· Reversals. Debra lives. Tom gives Steve money for Jacob.
· Character Betrayals. Jack betrays/lies to everyone. Sherry doesn’t commit to rehab.
· Big Surprises. Jacob’s cancer. Debra knifed. Sherry dies. Steve kills. Tom kills. Tom gives $.
Other things:
· City is its own oozing character. Contrast with the aseptic internal world of the hospital and hero’s house.
· Symbolism: cigarettes, drugs, hawk feathers, clear water (Clearwater, the original title), etc.
· Parallels: Hero Steve and sub-hero Tom both kill twice. Connecting bonds: lose Sherry, save Jacob.
· Diverse cast and parts, including simple voice over, cameo, one scene, minor oddball characters.
· Reminds some readers of the movie Fargo and the writings of Elmore Leonard.
· Unique Canadian location.
· Opportunities to use unique music.
10 Most Interesting:
1. Opening scene: Contrast of external city (villain’s word: dirty harbor & streets, criminals) vs internal (hero’s world: clean hospital and house). Problems draw the two worlds together.
2. Thriller is dotted with humor for momentary relief.
3. Variety of attractive roles from main to voice over & cameo.
4. Hero relies on villain who betrays him even though he knows it will kill a baby.
5. The main villain doesn’t kill, but the main hero and minor hero each kill twice, and we still root for them.
6. Each character has a unique voice and dialogue.
7. The story feels real and true; some parts are reality based.
8. Emotional dilemmas: childhood cancer, children’s aid society, hospital life/death situations, drug addiction, money troubles.
9. The authorities (cops, legal system, regulators, government, etc.) don’t help the hero.
10. Intrigue, mystery and cloud of suspicion hangs over the hero at the end.
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Jeff Bryce Producer/Manager
Producer: Give logline and emphasize that it fits their genre, highlight the title and why the switch from the old title, emphasize that there is an ensemble cast and there are several attractive roles for big names, secondary roles, single scene cameos, and voice-only roles. Remind that I’ll do what it takes to get the movie made.
Manager: Give logline and emphasize that I’ll continue to write scripts in this genre, that I’m easy to work with and adaptable.
What I learned today is I think it’s a better fit for me if I approach producers directly.
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Jeff’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment is to focus on the strongest components for the pitch.
Logline: After he is swindled by a boat broker, an anesthesiologist steals from criminals to pay for his grandson’s life-saving treatment. Inspired by a true story.
Components: I think the script has three components: great title, wide audience appeal (18+), and a few great roles for bankable actors. The best two are title and roles.
Originally, I called the project Clearwater, which is the name of the villain’s company, and is juxtaposed with the movie’s scummy waterfront, and ties into the end scene of clear water in a northern lake. I changed it to The Best Painkiller, which is intriguing and is a play on words for the hero’s profession. It is geared for 18+ due to language, violence, partial nudity, and drug use. So, this is likely less attractive to use in a pitch. I could pitch the ensemble cast and the use of bankable actors for the leads and cameos for some of the smaller roles and voice over.
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Jeff’s Project and Market
Genre: Crime-drama Thriller
Title: The Best Painkiller
Concept: After he is swindled by a boat broker, an anesthesiologist steals from criminals to pay for his grandson’s life-saving treatment. Inspired by a true story.
Attraction: Appeals to a wide audience age 18+. Ensemble cast with a variety of interesting characters.
Target: Producers first. I’m guessing that will be my best chance for success.
What I learned is the concept must be unique and have wide appeal.
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3 spec scripts written and rewritten. My first screenplay was a Semifinalist in ScreenCraft’s 2020 Fellowship. I think my second one is ready to market, and I hope this class shows me how to do it.
I am a financial planner & tax advisor, and a published landscape photographer.
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AGREE:
1. Jeff Bryce
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
3.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Jeff Bryce’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: The Best Painkiller
Logline: A young anesthesiologist struggles to pay for his grandson’s life-saving treatment after a swindler flees with proceeds from the sale of his boat. Inspired by a true story.
Thriller Map:
1 EXT. STEEL CITY – NIGHT
Moonless. Skyglow. Steel mills and toxic landfill clog the waterfront. Rusty minivan rolls along damp streets. It passes a Chinese take-out.
2 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – NIGHT
Sign blinks “OP N”. A hatchback and red pickup in the two “tenants only” spots.
3 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
JACK MARINO (45) celebrates Valentine’s with girlfriend AMY (34) and gives her a fishnet garment. Jack excuses himself because he “promised ma I’d be by b’fore ‘leven”.
4 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – NIGHT
Driver VINCE (44) picks up his older brother SCRUFFY from a rooming house at midnight, while TOM (25) sleeps in back.
5 EXT. BOAT LAUNCH – NIGHT
Jack gives Vince a money belt and tells him (1) the meeting time is two-fifteen, (2) keep the lights out to avoid the cops, (3) watch for shoreline ice, and (4) see you back here about 4:00 a.m.
6 I/E. MOTORBOAT – NIGHT
Zips across a lake (Lake Ontario) and upriver (Niagara River). The brothers spot a series of red flashes and head toward it.
7 EXT. FISHING DOCK – NIGHT
The brothers buy 36 garbage bags full of raw tobacco and 50,000 faded-imprint “XANAX” bars from two felons (on the New York side). The tobacco is funded by Jack. The drugs are funded by Vince’s girlfriend.
8 I/E. MOTORBOAT – NIGHT
The brothers celebrate as they navigate the haze and watch for ice approaching Fifty Point Marina.
9 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Tom drops the minivan to MIA (41), Vince’s girlfriend, and goes for a snooze in a full-size sedan.
10 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – NIGHT
Mia takes the Fifty Road off-ramp.
11 EXT. FIFTY POINT MARINA – NIGHT
Mia hears a boat engine approaching, then a clunk & screech, then silence.
12 EXT. BOAT LAUNCH – NIGHT
Jack texts Vince. No answer. He hitches the empty trailer and curses Vince.
13 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – DAWN
Mia asleep. A blinding sunrise breaks the horizon.
14 INT. HIGH-KEY WHITE BACKGROUND
A recovery room in a Canadian hospital. A woman is coming out of general anesthesia with the aid of anesthesiologist STEVE KIRKWOOD (39). Through hospital speakers: Code Omega.
15 INT. HOSPITAL – OBSTETRICS
Technicians attend a bleeding new mother. The Staff Physician preps for a hysterectomy. Steve believes it’s a rare clotting disorder and treats it. She pulls through, avoiding radical surgery. Steve’s pager buzzes. His wife DEBRA (39) is in Radiology.
16 INT. HOSPITAL – RADIOLOGY
JACOB (6 months) sleeps in a stroller. Initially Steve believes their daughter is in trouble. Then he thinks Debra has cancer. Then he learns from the oncologist that Jacob has Stage 3 cancer that is best treated with an expensive experimental drug, not covered by health care plans. Steve and Debra need over $200,000, but don’t have the cash or liquid assets.
17 EXT. BOAT ACCIDENT SITE – DAY
Cops SZABO and VARMA examine the wreckage and brothers’ corpses. They figure the brothers were running two separate deals—tobacco to be processed at the Indian Reserve and XANAX to the streets.
18 EXT. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Modern with a chain-linked yard.
19 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Jack and Amy in the office. A sedan pulls up and three Iroquois thugs step out – driver Tom, BLUNT, and LONGPOINT. Amy’s about to mouth-off but Jack asks her to leave, and the thugs let her go. They press Jack about their expected shipment of raw tobacco. Jack makes a cell call as the business phone rings.
20 I/E. AMYS TAN HATCHBACK
Down the street from Clearwater.
INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION
Jack phones Amy and asks for Mia’s number. Amy only knows where she works – Endzone Lounge.
END INTERCUT
Jack picks up the business phone and it’s the owner of the wrecked motorboat. He mentions the cops and the thugs leave. Jack lies to the motorboat owner.
21 EXT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Recycle bins of bottles, cans, pizza boxes, garbage.
22 INT. ROOMING HOUSE
Szabo and Varma interview two losers. They learn (1) Scruffy sold them contraband cigarettes, (2) Mia’s the landlady and she works at Endzone, and (3) where Vince lives.
23 EXT. NEW CONSTRUCTION NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Snow mixed with dirt and mud. One home on a cul-de-sac – the Kirkwood House. Minivan pulls in. Down the street, the sedan pulls behind an excavator.
24 I/E. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Daughter SHERRY (19), a dead-ringer for Debra, wants to borrow money (likely for drugs). Through dialogue we learn Jacob is Sherry’s son, Tom is Jacob’s father, and Sherry still sees Tom sometimes as they “hang at some of the same places”. Sherry learns of Jacob’s illness but doesn’t believe it until Steve tells her that he’s considering selling his heirloom boat to pay for treatments.
25 I/E. VINCE’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Szabo and Varma see a photo of Mia and discover a stash of liquor bottles in a storage locker worth $20,000 if sold as bar shots. They learn Vince drove the rusty minivan.
26 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Debra at a laptop. A notebook has check marks beside “NANNY”, “MAID” and “REHAB”. “BOAT BROKER” is the unchecked item. They consider using Clearwater Boat Service and its online brokerage agreement.
27 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Szabo and Varma examine the unlocked minivan, void of back seats, a perfect fit for 36 bags of tobacco.
28 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE
Szabo and Varma question Mia about (1) her calls and texts to Vince from 4:00-7:30 that morning, (2) their relationship, and (3) their business relationship. Mia denies a business relation. She learns Vince is dead and her drugs & cash are gone.
29 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Jack confronts Mia and learns Vince is dead and his tobacco & cash are gone.
30 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Szabo and Varma question Jack about (1) Vince’s employment there, (2) the minivan doesn’t have a trailer hitch, so how could Vince take the motorboat, (3) Vince’s other business activities, and (4) Jack’s calls to Vince at 4:15 the previous morning. Jack lies his way out.
31 I/E. STEVE’S WHITE SUV – DAY
Drives in Cottage Country (Ontario, Canada). Steve, Debra, Sherry, and Jacob.
32 INT. DINER – DAY
Debra says something that upsets Sherry and she refuses to go to rehab.
33 EXT. DINER – DAY
Debra threatens Sherry, Steve hands Sherry her bag, and Sherry is picked up by a passing motorist. Debra and Steve argue.
34 I/E. WOODEN BOAT – DAY
Circa 1940s family treasure. Steve shows Jack the boat and takes him for a cruise. Jack guarantees him a deal in no time and learns Steve needs the proceeds for grandson Jacob’s cancer treatments.
35 INT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Sherry has moved into Scruffy’s old room. She smokes crack and tosses the pipe out the window when Mia bangs on the door and threatens to come in. Sherry lies to Mia, and Mia kicks her out.
36 EXT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Sherry’s pipe is shattered. She phones Tom asking for drugs. He informs her he’s being pressured to pay her tab. He threatens to tell Steve & Debra about her ongoing drug use, but Sherry says they’ll call Tom a deadbeat if he phones them. Sherry tells Tom that Jacob is sick, but Tom thinks she’s talking nonsense. She wants to meet and talk, but Tom tells her maybe in a few days.
37 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jack tells Amy that he wants to find a better way to make a living. He shows her a letter from the government dated last month that they’re going to freeze all his accounts due to unpaid payroll taxes and missed tax filings. Amy pummels him. Later, Jack watches TV and has a light-bulb moment. He texts that he has a hot prospect and needs a signed letter that there are no liens on the boat.
38 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
There’s black mold on all the boats and some have electrical damage. Jack tells a mechanic to use bleach, vinegar, and baking soda. Steve arrives with boat records going back to the 1940s. All Jack wants is the no-liens letter, which Steve gives him. Jack tells Steve he sold the boat, and the net proceeds will be $250,000, which he’ll give to Steve in a week.
39 KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Debra gets ready to show an office rental. Steve tells her about the $250,000. Jacob says his first word.
40 I/E. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
“SPACE FOR LEASE” in several windows. Debra heads inside as a street person peers through the door and knocks. Debra doesn’t notice.
41 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Jack and mechanic load tools into mechanic’s pickup. Jack tells him he’s done in the boat business.
42 INT. KIRKHOUSE HOUSE – DAY
Steve phones Clearwater and gets a prerecorded message (Amy’s voice) that they’re temporarily closed.
43 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – SAME TIME
Jack and Amy are grabbing items of value which Jack plans to sell for quick cash.
44 EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jack’s pickup pulls in and he heads inside.
45 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve phones Clearwater and gets an intercept message that the number has been disconnected.
46 EXT. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
No activity. Steve and Debra read an “EVICTION NOTICE” on the door. Debra phones the landlord and learns (1) they didn’t pay their rent, (2) the landlord heard Jack owes hundreds of thousands of dollars, and (3) Jack sometimes hangs at the Port Authority. The Iroquois thugs’ sedan pulls in. Longpoint and Blunt read the notice while Tom stays in the driver’s seat.
47 EXT. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
Steve and Debra hop out of the SUV and freeze in their tracks as a “Clearwater Boat Service” banner flaps in the wind.
48 INT. PORT AUTHORITY
They see a warning sign in a drawer which Debra believes is from The Mob. An attendant informs Steve & Debra that Clearwater has had an office there for three years.
49 INT. HOSPITAL – EXAM ROOM
The oncologist informs Steve & Debra that Jacob’s cancer is moving into Stage 4. They need to act fast.
50 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve checks vials in his medical bag. He gets on the phone.
51 INT. TRANSPORT CANADA OFFICE – SAME
Bilingual with phone headset.
INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION
Steve learns (1) the boat registration procedure has changed, (2) his boat ownership was transferred two days ago, (3) Bilingual cannot tell him the new owner’s name due to the Privacy Act, (4) they don’t keep supporting documents, (5) they “rely on people’s honesty”, and (6) he should contact the police.
END INTERCUT
On the phone with the police, Steve is informed it’s a civil matter and he should talk to a lawyer.
52 EXT. WATERFRONT PARK – DAY
Tom and Sherry meet near the Boat Launch. Sherry tells Tom advice she learned at detox. Tom tells her he’s leaving town soon to get a fresh start.
53 INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
Steve and Debra meet with a lawyer who wants $20,000 to sue Jack and take him through trial. He informs them they may win and still be unable to collect. They learn it will take at least 18 months for the whole procedure.
54 EXT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
Debra tells Steve that she’s scared. Steve reassures that Jacob will be fine.
55 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
In a fridge crisper, Amy discovers stacks of $20s and $100s wrapped in aluminum foil. As Jack sleeps, she dangles a knife and lightly runs it across his Adam’s apple. No harm done.
56 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve writes a threatening email to Jack.
57 I/E. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
No Clearwater signs. Just two boxes. Steve learns that Amy will be by shortly to pick them up.
58 EXT. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
Amy arrives and picks up the boxes. Steve follows.
59 EXT. OLD DOWNTOWN – DAY
Past desolate buildings and Endzone Lounge.
60 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – DAY
Amy parks beside Jack’s pickup and heads upstairs. Steve parks across the street. Jack comes down the stairs to Amy’s car. Steve confronts him. Jack says the bank put a hold on the check. Jack says the check is certified so he knows it will clear, and that’s why he changed the ownership. He tells Steve it should “all fall together when we get our new place”. Steve shows Jack a photo of Jacob and Jack says he’s been praying for him every day. Jack heads inside. Steve scouts the alley and nearby streets.
61 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve reads an email from Jack. Jack informs him that the government froze their accounts and took all their money, including the proceeds from the sale of Steve’s boat. Jack has declared bankruptcy. Jack’s bankruptcy trustee calls Steve and tells him Jack and his corporation are insolvent. Creditors get nothing. Steve sends Jack a more threatening email than his previous one. Later, Debra counts change from her massive coin collection and realizes it’s futile. She tells Steve she’s going to kill Jack.
62 INT. HOSPITAL – OPERATING ROOM ANNEX
Steve inventories drugs. Locks some in a cabinet and straps others into his personal medical bag.
63 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – NIGHT
Jack’s parked pickup and sounds from the kitchen.
64 I/E. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – SAME
Steve picks the lock and sees Jack passed out with a bottle of booze and a “Prozac” container. Steve searches for his money but doesn’t find it. Steve begins to inject Jack. Jack wakes up briefly, then permanent lights out. Steve apologizes to Jack’s dead body.
65 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE
Steve sits at the bar. He asks Mia who owns the minivan by the lamppost as he knows it’s a friend of his daughter, who he hasn’t seen in a while. Mia says its hers and tells him she evicted Sherry.
66 EXT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
One “SPACE FOR LEASE” sign. Sherry smokes and chats with the street person. He points and flees when he sees Debra exit the building. Sherry tells Debra about the street person’s mistaken identity. They argue and Sherry heads off down the alley.
67 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
Amy discovers Jack’s dead body and dials 911. Szabo and Varma question her and conclude the booze and pills killed Jack. Amy mentions Jack was depressed and that a baby was going to die because of him.68 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Jack’s bankruptcy trustee calls and informs Steve of Jack’s death. Steve looks at the online obit and notices oddities in its wording.
69 INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Steve goes to Jack’s visitation. Jack’s brother tells him to leave. Amy, wearing designer clothing, intercedes. After she realizes he’s likely a customer, she introduces herself and he says he’s Steve. Amy leads Steve outside.
70 EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Steve and Amy chat. Steve learns (1) she handles Clearwater’s financial accounts, part-time, (2) she’s squirreled away almost enough to buy a house, and (3) she’ll be at the funeral home for another hour.
71 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – DAY
Steve finds the money in the fridge. He takes it. Later, Amy discovers the money is gone. She can’t call 911 because the money was stolen. She opens a box of Jack’s things and searches his cell calls & texts. She sees Steve Kirkwood’s last threatening text.
72 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – DAY
Steve’s at the bar in his funeral-home suit. Mia doesn’t recognize him but realizes he’s a doctor.
73 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Crumpled foil and stacks of cash, more than enough for the first dose of Jacob’s treatment. Debra expresses concern about their safety.
74 INT. HOSPITAL – PEDIATRIC ONCOLOGY
Jacob gets his first treatment. Updated data state a 50/50 effectiveness of just one dose—a coin toss whether he will need a second.
75 INT. CRACK HOUSE – DAY
Sherry unconscious on a torn, vomit-stained mattress. Street person uses her phone and calls 911.
76 EXT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
Tom and Longpoint stake it out. Longpoint sees Debra remove the last “SPACE FOR LEASE” sign as Tom goes for a walk. Debra exits the building. Longpoint confronts, questions, and restrains her. She fights back and he stabs her. He dumps contents of her purse and grabs $40. Tom arrives on the scene, tells her to hang on, activates her phone’s SOS, and takes off with Longpoint.
77 INT. HOSPITAL – MORGUE
Sherry is dead. Med Examiner and Steve observe, Szabo watches Steve’s reactions. Steve’s pager buzzes, Debra’s in ICU.
78 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
Debra’s in serious condition. Steve & the trauma surgeon chat as Szabo tries to get a better view from outside the window. Szabo is persistent. He flashes his badge and taps on the window. Steve temporarily steps away from Debra, tells Szabo it’s not a good time, and excuses himself.
79 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Children’s Aid rings the doorbell. There’s an allegation of neglect but sees Jacob’s in no immediate danger. But as Debra is in hospital and is Jacob’s sole guardian, the case is escalated and will be reviewed by their legal department. Don’t leave town Steve.
80 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
Debra should be awake by now but she’s still in a coma. Steve prepares to extubate her.
81 EXT. GOLF DRIVING RANGE – DAY
Longpoint and Tom wait in the sedan. Steve slings his clubs into his SUV and is confronted by Longpoint, who mentions Steve’s wife and the missing money. Tom tries to cool their heads. But Longpoint pulls his knife and Steve nails him with a golf club. Longpoint falls to the gravel. Tom takes off and picks up the broken club-head.
82 I/E. SEDAN – NIGHT
Tom has take-out coffees with creamers & such on the side. He laces one with powder and gives it to Blunt when he wakes up.
83 PORT AUTHORITY – NIGHT
Sedan with Tom and Blunt parks at the water’s edge. Blunt questions Tom about the low price he’ll be paying for the upcoming drug deal. Blunt opens his door and vomits. A hitman who has followed them draws his gun but Tom fires first. Blunt and hitman float in the bay.
84 KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Tom asks to come in to talk but Steve refuses. Steve accepts a gift for Jacob and Tom leaves. It’s stacks of $100s and the head of Steve’s broken golf club. Szabo calls and asks Steve to meet in the morning.
85 DETECTIVE SZABO’S OFFICE – DAY
Szabo & Varma press Steve about Longpoint’s death, accomplices, and the recent deaths of Blunt and hitman. Varma accuses Steve as a kingpin of a smuggling operation with Jack, and therefore a killer. They don’t arrest Steve because he doesn’t crack and there’s no solid evidence.
86 I/E. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – DAY
Steve knocks, then enters, but Amy is gone.
87 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
A resident tends to a young woman cancer patient. Family looks on as Steve shows the resident how to use a tube exchanger. The procedure fails, the patient’s heart stops, and the family instructs Steve to stop. She dies. Later, in the physician lounge, Steve is zoned out. She’s the first patient he’s lost. His oncologist friend tries to cheer him up and suggests Steve take time off, as much as he needs, as his services are always needed.
88 EXT. LAKE – MORNING
Smooth granite shoreline and crystal water. Steve paddles toddler Jacob in a tandem kayak. He stops and tells Jacob about canoe trips with Sherry when she was a girl. Debra comes into view in her canoe and waves then on.
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Does this class have a formal END date? I’m behind in other Days activities (and see many others are), and rather than posting in those, I hope to post something here by the weekend. Does that work?
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Trust… Reveal… I’m guessing Foreshadow is coming soon.
We all notice these elements in what we’ve written. We all understand we need to include all these things. I guess the lessons are telling us that it is important to identify each of these things (even though we know they are there). Hmm…
I’m wondering how important it is to identify scene-by-scene MIS? My thinking is to lump it all into one category called Questions, because that (and forward motion) is really all that matters in the scene, isn’t it? Save the micro-MIS for character development. Any thoughts/feedback?
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Jeff’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned is…
I and other classmates have been inspired and are writing/rewriting scripts rather than wasting time in the Forums! LOL
Combos of big-MIS and mini-MIS in each scene/character is vital. I still don’t see a “map” that guarantees success. A great story– the red herring– is still most important.
Best to keep it simple as too much complication can kill a concept– unless you’re already a producer/directer.
1. Villain is covering up? Personally bankrupt, company near bankruptcy, gambling addiction, resorts to smuggling and using other peoples’ property for today’s cash needs.
2. Cover the secret? Multiple. Every scene he flatters/lies/deceives. Even to his girlfriend and mother. Employees, and the cops.
3. “First mystery must engage the Hero”… I fail here. My script engages the audience as we see what the hero doesn’t see/know, and the reason why the hero falls into the trap. Can someone please explain WHY MUST the first mystery involve the hero directly?
At this point, I have no answers for 4 & 5.
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To illustrate the Mystery Structure & Chain and a Red Herring character, I think it would be more helpful if we had a different example than Basic Instinct. I have trouble with the assumption that Catherine is the Red Herring. Why? I read that both the director and Sharon Stone have said that Sharon Stone is the actress in the opening scene.
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Jeff’s villain has a great plan.
What I learned is…?
1. Get money
2. Steal/con it
3. Go bankrupt
4. Legit business & front, mama & friends love you, charm everyone, know the law/rules, smooth alibis for the cops… you get the money. But others ensure you won’t keep it.
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Jeff’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
· Great acting by Foster.
· Great choice of tight shots on Hopkins to up the fear, menace, and tension.
· Great dialogue for Hopkins and excellent non-blinking delivery. He rarely moves in his acting. Some of his lines are the most memorable, entertaining, creepy, and funny.
· I remember that I didn’t care for this movie when it came out. Watching and pausing didn’t improve my opinion. In fact, it highlighted some of the annoying things. E.g. (1) as with Basic Instinct, the mystique of psychology and profiling (overblown); (2) the guard’s face-mask as part of Lecter’s escape (very ridiculous); (3) Buffalo Bill’s symbolic moth calling card (boring); (4) Buffalo Bill’s naked dance (more laughable than shocking).
· I’m reminded that every scene should be a mini-movie and involve action that propels the story, includes M.I.S., and perhaps ups the stakes.
· Interesting that we root for Lecter too. One could argue that he’s more of a helper/mentor than a bad-guy antagonist. Sure, he killed in the past (which he’s paying for in prison) and kills a few guards, but they weren’t “good” guards. There’s justice/justification in taking-out Chilton at the end, and I imagine he’ll go after Crawford too (as both treated Clarice badly). Buffalo Bill is the villain because he’s the one who tries to kill Clarice.
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Jeff’s BI Stacking Suspense
I’m in Canada and this movie isn’t available on Netflix, and I don’t own the DVD. I saw it in 1992 and clearly remember I didn’t like it. It wasn’t engaging to me. Characters were stiff and not relatable. Felt too contrived and put too much faith in the mystique of psychology—a sensitive subject to me as I have a degree in it! I thought it was cliché and not realistic. (Although I can say that many of my psych profs were very odd!)
For this assignment I read a 104-page draft of the screenplay, which was nearly the final draft. A few differences: e.g. the stalker name was Anderson/Henderson, the car was a Ferrari rather than the exotic Dutch sportscar, several Stones’ songs were suggested for the soundtrack, and rather than writing “Nick” he was often referred to as “he”. So, this assignment took me a bit longer than watching the movie and viewing the notes. Doing it this way, however, likely gave me different insights as I clearly saw repetition and parallels, especially in dialogue. And I quickly saw/recalled the psych parallel with Beth & Catherine, and how both appear to be killers with their own agendas.
Things I learned (or am reminded):
· Each scene needs to have a purpose that propels the story and includes some M.I.S.
· Dialogue. Needs to be tight. Sometimes funny. But be careful it’s not too smug or smart-ass—this movie has too much of this to make me feel for any of the characters.
· Foreshadowing, parallels, repetition are needed. But don’t overload. E.g. cigarettes, books, ice picks, scarf, cocaine, dialogue.
· Red herring info or suspect (Beth) is sometimes a good addition.
· For Catherine to have killed everyone, the audience must accept a “suspension of disbelief”.
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Jeff’s World and Character!
What I learned doing this assignment is: (1) Repetition and layering of M.I.S helps to solidify the story. (2) Developing a Red Herring or strong Neutral character adds to the thrill. (3) Clearly identifying each character’s M.I.S.—and adding subtleties to the script—thickens the thrill and clarifies the writing process. (4) I see it can be useful to add M.I.S. to secondary characters. (5) Adding M.I.S. in this script heightens the mystery of Neutral character Tom. (6) I can see that these assignments will help me to create a stronger hook of a logline and strengthen a pitch.
Concept: A 6-month-old’s trial-drug cancer treatment costs $200,000. Grandfather Steve lists his heirloom boat with a crooked boat dealer who steals the proceeds.
Working Title: Clearwater (A reader suggested “The Best Painkiller”, as anesthesiologist Steve is known as that. That title has broader appeal, but I feel it’s too obvious and dumbs things down. But maybe that’s a good thing? Another reader hated “Clearwater” as the name reminded her of Scientology, and “everyone in the biz knows that”… WTF? That’s really dumbed down!)
Big Mystery: How to pay for Jacob’s treatment.
Big Intrigue: Jack knows he stole money that will cost a baby’s life.
Big Suspense: Steve seeks the money and revenge, and is pulled into a world of scum, crime, and cops.
World: Steel City, based on Hamilton, Ontario. Steel mills and toxic landfill clog the waterfront. Stagnant. Contrast this with Steve’s aseptic job in a hospital and his new house in a new suburb.
Hero: Steve
Mystery: To what lengths and depths does he need to go to get his money?
Suspense: Will he get hurt or arrested?
Intrigue: He has access to lethal drugs and has the potential to be a killer of pains-in-the-ass!
Villain: Jack, boat dealer
Mystery: Why is he smuggling, ripping people off, and jeopardizing his “Clearwater Boat Service” business?
Suspense: Clear & straight talker, but evasive actions, even with his girlfriend. Why?
Intrigue: Personable and emotional, but reckless and enjoys gambling to extremes. Why?
Neutral: Tom, an Iroquois, Jacob’s biological father who abandoned him. He’s a driver for thugs.
Mystery: Introduced in a dimwit situation, but he isn’t. He’s seeking something, but what?
Suspense: Does he want to get Jacob back? What’s his motive? What will he do about it?
Intrigue: Why did he abandon Jacob and Jacob’s mother? Why is he with Iroquois thugs?
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Jeff Bryce’s Big M.I.S.
I learned that by focusing on the Big M.I.S., I can up the thrill by altering a few lines in a few scenes. It won’t always be that easy, but it seems to be enough to change my crime drama to a crime thriller.
Logline: To save a baby boy, a young grandfather trips into the darkest depths of the city.
Hero: Anesthesiologist Steve needs $200,000 for his grandson Jacob’s trial-drug cancer treatment.
Villain: Gambler & boat-dealer Jack resorts to smuggling using his customers’ boats.
High stakes: Jacob will die without treatment. Jacob’s mother (Steve’s daughter), whose ex-boyfriend is a thug, continues to struggle with addiction. Jack’s smuggle is botched, killing two henchmen, wrecking a customer’s boat, and the contraband is lost. When Steve lists his heirloom boat with Jack’s company to clear $200,000 for Jacob’s treatment, Steve unwittingly brushes with criminals, and it becomes life or death for him and his family. Cops suspect Steve committed a crime, which could ruin his career.
Life or death: As above, and four more are killed.
This story is thrilling because: We want to see Steve recover the stolen boat proceeds to pay for treatment. We want Jacob to get his treatment and live. We want to see Steve and his family come through unharmed. We want to see Jack and secondary characters pay for their crimes.
Big Mystery: Jacob’s treatment. Will he get it? Will it be 100% successful?
Big Intrigue: Jack knows he stole money that was needed to save a baby’s life. And bankruptcy and wrecking lives and property means nothing to him.
Big Suspense: Steve is pulled into a world of scum, crime, and cops. Will Steve and his family make it through?
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Jeff Bryce
3 spec scripts written and rewritten…
I hope to transform them from drama to thriller, and see them produced. If that doesn’t work, I may rewrite them as novels, which seems a shame as they are so tight and visual.
I am a financial planner & tax advisor, and a published landscape photographer.
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No Country For Old Men – Thriller Conventions
I learned that thrillers are stronger when mystery, suspense and intrigue are BIGGER. I was going to analyze Dial M for Murder (1954) but quickly realized it is weak in some conventions, making it less thrilling by today’s conventions.
Hero: Bell, a retiring sheriff who fails at his final tasks before retirement.
Neutral: Moss, stumbles upon $2 million and takes it, putting his family in danger.
Villain: Chigurh, a hitman with an arbitrary outlook on others’ lives and a seemingly predetermined outlook of his own success.
High stakes: $2 million, life/death coin toss, Moss endangers his family, Chigurh will kill anyone.
Life and death situations: many death scenes using a variety of guns and strangulation. Car crash nearly kills the villain.
Thrilling because: concerned and worried for Moss and his family, Bell, and anyone who encounters Chigurh.
Big Mystery: Chigurh… Who is he? Where did he come from? Why does he use a bolt gun? Why is life a coin toss? Will anybody be able to stop him?
Big Intrigue: Fate and randomness in life and death.
Big Suspense: Can Bell stop Chigurh before he kills again?
Themes: morality and religion, greed, hunter/hunted, choice vs self-determination, and changing times.
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Jeff Bryce
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Liz, thanks for pulling this together. Nice to keep in touch: jeff@bryce.ca
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Thanks Phyllis. I understand the stroking elements of my target producers. Best to you.
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You’re welcome Phyllis. Do you mind reading my #2 (immediately below)? People were kind to comment on my #1, perhaps as I was first out-of-the-gate and prime for slaughter! But no one has commented on my #2.
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But why did you put a capital on Playwright, Producer and Ancestor Spirits? And should it be “ancestral spirits” or “ancestor spirits”? I could see a capital if it’s “Indigenous or Native spirits” (especially here in Canada).
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Much easier to read now. Questions… (1) “Black Broadway” is capitalized and is second in the opening sentence, while “white playwright” is first and not capitalized. Why is that? (2) My understanding is that Black Broadway was an area in DC over a 100 years ago. I had the feeling this story is current?
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Liz,
Love the conversational tone of the synopsis. I can relate to the story much easier. Makes it smooth & easy reading.
Your creds are great. But do you need to list them twice? I’d try to compact them into ONE para, TWO sentences, as you did at the bottom. But it’s hard not to include the reader’s “hurt my heart”!
Logline: may want to rewrite “traveling sales job in a new town” as traveling sales is beyond a town. Perhaps “in a new state”?
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Isn’t that just a spin on an Emerson quote? I wouldn’t use it.
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Hi Phyllis,
I just read a list of Ten Query Letter No-Nos from The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing. From page 332, #9 on the list… “Letters that start with a nugget of wisdom: ‘Every step we take in life moves us in a direction.'”
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Liz, did you get a Reply yet? I sent one and it took over a week. They’re aware the tech sucks. E.g. when we’re notified, it doesn’t highlight WHERE. So it’s time-consuming nonsense. We’re all likely missing valuable insights & exchanges due to the crappy tech.
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Hi Liz,
Supernatural & such is out of my zone. So my comments are likely useless on the genre. So I won’t make any on it!
However, YOUR credentials are superb and all the Flint Hill scores! Is there a way to tighten it all up and put your bio/status near the top (at “Written by”)? My thinking is you may hit a producer not necessarily into the sub-genre of supernatural, but loves thrillers. The logline may lose some (like me). But knowing your bio first, I’d read through it all.
Congrats & continued success.
Jeff
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LIz, I’m waiting until my Lesson 11 letter is better than my first draft!
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Hi Cara,
I should have known about Rilke by now, so thanks for alerting me. He seems like yet another lonely lost sole. This sounds like one of those stories that asks to be told.
“What does famous poetry require?” Death. Likely not the most appealing “hook”.
The guy seems like a wimp.
Lady Gaga’s tattoos? Now it sounds like you researched her tattoos, stumbled upon Rilke, and are trying to make a profound connection. I don’t get it.
But, like Rilke, you likely don’t need my feedback!
I hope you the best with it!
Jeff
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Hi Stephen,
The letter is confusing.
“Tails he wins…” Meaningless spin on a cliche phrase. I read that the “they” includes him. Not what you mean.
“Pandora’s Other Box” sounds like 1970s X-rated trash. You may have reduced your producer pool to exiles and convicts.
The word “romp” feels comedic and juvenile. So you’re suggesting a Rocky Horror thing?
How is he a “slacker” if he grows rich?
I don’t feel any horror in this. I can’t visualize any of it.
What are these “timely” and “universal” themes? Are you saying you don’t like reborn women?
I don’t feel any hooks or interesting characters.
And 86 Redemption Way… I think you’re just screwing around. Are you serious?
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Hi Tom,
Clever hook: Rocky of Hockey! Perhaps change the “+” and “=”, which could be confusing to some.
Saving Grace title has been used. And “Grace” is cliche. I based a script on a former client named Grace who actually sang Amazing Grace at her husband’s funeral. Very moving (& I’ll remember it forever). But I didn’t write it that way.
Do character names matter in a Q letter? I’m thinking not, unless it’s a real person (historical importance). Names can distract from the general message. But what do I know?
The 3 paragraphs starting “DANNY… [to] audiences love.” I glossed these. Likely need to shorten each, or eliminate?
I woke up when I saw Rocky meets KvK. Short & sweet. Very effective. You have a skill of terse, use it more!
Your bio puts me on a tricycle. If I had your experience, I’d put it at/near the top of my letter!
Very nice Tom. Would love to read this one.
Best, Jeff
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Hi Liz,
Thanks for your comments.
Funny, I’ve rewritten loglines as if they’re toilet paper. I had “grandson” in previous versions but thought it eliminates a potential audience of 18-40-year-olds, as they may think it’s a movie about/for old people. The doctor is young–39– but perhaps impossible to convey in a logline in a brief & meaningful way.
Points well taken about emotion & personal, and no excuses for the swindler’s acts.
The drug deal… goes bad, goes south. I need another phrase. In the script, the swindlers’ goons are going full-speed and smash a customer’s boat into shoreline ice and are killed. So maybe the drug deal “gets iced”? lol– but that term means totally different things these days.
Very helpful. I realize it’s tough for each of us to make comments based on very little info.
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Thanks Tom. Good points. Jeff
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Hi Cara. You raise good points. I prefer one-word titles too (this one used to be CLEARWATER, and my other working-titles are FAITH and HEARTWOOD– all wordplay– but I’ll change them). A problem with one-word titles is they usually lack sizzle and give no clue to what the movie is about. Producers seem to prefer dumb-down versions of everything. I think adding “The Best” creates mystery and intrigue. Of course none of this matters if you’re Eastwood or the Coens! Perhaps we could exchange a script or two? Jeff
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I get it. Thanks, Jeff
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Hi Stephen,
Thank you. I really appreciate your comments and interest. Love the conversational tone that you suggest.
The kid’s treatment is an experimental drug from Switzerland that isn’t covered here in Canada. Don’t think the FDA covers such things either. How would I say this in a letter, and in an interesting way?
The daughter is 19 (the doctor dad is 39). The baby was stripped away by childrens aid at birth as the parents both tested positive for cocaine use. Not sure how/if this info can be relayed easily into the letter. Any thoughts?
The money’s beyond recoverable through the swindler directly. Hero’s arc has gone over-the-edge, and he doesn’t want to see the villain EVER be able to swindle/screw others. An insane moment, but the story continues as the money is out there, somewhere. And certainly NOT taken by the government/trustees due to bankruptcy proceedings.
My email: jeff@bryce.ca. Once again, thank you for stimulating my brain!
I’ll comment on your posts going forward.
Best, Jeff
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Hi Tom,
Very impressive. I’d like to contact you privately too– please email jeff@bryce.ca.
I’ll comment on your most recent posts within the next few days.
I appreciate your interest.
Best, Jeff
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The Lesson is using IMDB, not IMDBPro… That’s why I asked: “Now what?” I have 100s of names with no contact info…
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Plemons looks like he should be a goalie in the old days when they never wore masks! Nice. Can he skate? Doesn’t matter, does it? Nice choice on the female elders.
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John, I’m trying to imagine how she could get a bomb on a plane these days. Also, are you sure about the physics of MDMA powder falling like snow after the explosion? At higher altitudes, air pressure and temperature decrease, and since MDMA is water-soluble wouldn’t it be more likely to vaporize or stay suspended like the clouds?
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Ola, I emailed my comments. Wish you the best on an exciting and challenging project. Keep me posted. My logline is what you see above. Thanks for your interest, Jeff
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Jeff, I have a question about your lingo. This is my first class in arts. What do you mean by giving reel numbers? E.g. Reel 1 and Reel 8. Thanks, Jeff
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That’s fine Ola. I didn’t change anything on my Version 1 Map. But I amended the logline. As noted above to Mike, I included EVERY scene, even the 1-2 second establishing. Not so thrilling, but more of a personal aid to keep me on track. So you can review this one if you’d like. Remind me here (or email: jeff@bryce.ca) when you’ve posted your next version. Jeff
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I’m Canadian, but not French-Canadian. I’m very willing to comment after you have filled in the holes that you have noted.
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Re the non-thrilling scenes, I posted every scene (even establishing scenes) on my map for my personal needs.
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Thanks Mike.
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Will do. Best, Jeff
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Sure. Do you want me to email it to you or post it in the open forum? Jeff
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Your story’s not my genre, but I really like your layout, and your opening comments. What I’ve learned in this course is that identifying MIS, reveals, twists, smoke-&-mirrors, etc, is good knowledge but it doesn’t guarantee anything. Plotting along a storyline grid is the standard, and try to keep to it (but yawn). To me, “uniqueness” of THE STORY is most important. And the first sign of cliche kills it. As does crap dialogue. AND then there’s the important part: Can the story be pitched within a minute? Hope we all get the chance and have success. Best, Jeff
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I hear ya. Good luck.
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I’ll take the bait… Are you expecting a critique?
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Concerned you were becoming ONE with your story– a peterphiliac! lol.
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Peter Upton and Peter Smith… Too many Peters?
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Likely best to not leave so many mysteries unanswered– may piss off the audience if you do. Might want to change the name of Deputy Dan or Deputy Driver Dave– too many D’s!
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I think it’s a stretch that a dying guy could mumble anything of value after being poisoned by cyanide. But the idea works if the audience doesn’t know exactly what the poison is. The whole concept of pedophiles is creepy and I hope they all die! I don’t know much about the topic of pedophiles, but I see that there are symbols for various preferences (e.g. blue spiral triangle for boys, pink spiral heart for girls) and that some of these symbols have been found on toys! Perhaps you could use these types of symbols to differentiate each creep. They all have a signet ring, but each is slightly different as it bears his preference. This way you don’t really need to hide the ring from the audience.
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Maybe the signet ring shouldn’t be the symbol that they’re in a ring? I think the reveal of the signet is a problem because hands (and the ring) are body parts that are clearly visible. A pendant (that could be worn on a necklace, bracelet, etc.) is less obvious. But at the same time, I wonder why these ring members would want to ID themselves by wearing a common item.
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Cremation destroys DNA.
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I’m in finance, so I’m naturally attracted to this. I watched the first episode of Ozark– so fake, but works for the unfamiliar. Curious about the religious component in this, and the timeline. Love the way you’ve laid this out– most is clear & easy to read. Best of luck.
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David, thank you for your encouragement, and excellent & needed feedback. I haven’t given up! I’ve spent the last few days using things I’ve learned in this course to update MY Scene Template (which I realize is the Map). Before, I was focused on the rigid 3-act structure of plot points, obstacles, pinch, twist & whatnot. Now I’ve included identifiers for MIS, Stakes & Other (twist, red herring, etc.). Helps me to edit scenes more objectively (even though they’re brilliant as they are! lol). Different people are now dead, and the writer, readers & characters all feel much better now.
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I agree with you. A story needs structure, and I’ve been conditioned to the 3-act standard. What I mean is we need to have a structure first, and then apply MIS, and then perhaps we will break out of the 3-act (or whatever) as it’s most important to apply some MIS in every scene. This is the only course I’ve taken (anywhere) and I realized at Day 3 it’s not my thing. Crappy feedback and minimal participation. Seems to exist more to prolong itself. And the material is dated. Thanks for your forum conversations. Let’s stay in touch.
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I was wondering about story structure many days ago. This course suggests it’s best to start with MIS. It’s likely a combination of everything. There’s no magic map that guarantees anything.
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This feels like a dark-comedy thriller. Hope you can make it work.
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Holes… great & clear brainstorming. The flags– I always find it odd/amusing when people fly them on their cars during FIFA World Cup, Stanley Cup Playoffs & whatnot. Cinco de Mayo… Mexico’s victory over the French… Victoria must be somewhat French? Looking forward to seeing more of this one. Cheers.
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Another good idea!
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“Steal school buses with children while everyone is at the police chief’s funeral.” Scary, but seems darkly funny.
I’m rooting for you Sheriff Mike!
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I’m interested in learning how the Iranian general smuggles himself into the country.
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He is going through personal bankruptcy but doesn’t need to disclose this fact as he carries on his incorporated business, which is a separate entity. Ultimately his corporation goes bankrupt to avoid paying creditors, and yes, so he can effectively steal the hero’s money. He tells the hero that the proceeds from the sale of his heirloom boat were taken by the government when they seized all accounts to cover back-taxes (personal, corporate, and employees’ payroll taxes).
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Pedophilia– that’s a rough topic, and perhaps a tough sell. And they are city officials… Why 1961 Chicago?
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Thanks Roscoe. Super-natural is a challenge for me. That’s why I ask. I wish you the best, and hope to see it one day!
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I have a few questions about his motive. As he’s near retirement, why suddenly go on the kill? Can’t he just fade away, and perhaps be a mentor to the corrupt? Or, if he’s suddenly got a change of heart and doesn’t like corruption, maybe he could keep all he’s got by being a star witness against the other bad cops? I’m sure you’ve considered all this, and so I’m looking forward to how this all works out. Best of luck.
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I hear you. Thanks.
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You’re right-on with the minimal establishing shots. But I guess we need to write them minimally, and then the director can cut & chop further.
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Ice pick on his side… Love THAT ending!
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Thanks Larry. I had Amazon Prime briefly, but didn’t need the speedy delivery and I didn’t watch their movies. But I’ll keep this in mind for future.
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“House snatching” is common for divorced people. I don’t understand this concept. Won’t women, and the disabled, object? Or is it that Simone rises out of the chaos to save the day for all victims?
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I’m trying to understand the “law” in this world. Are you saying that murders may claim inheritances of their victims? That’s impossible/unbelievable.
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I thought the point of the Confidentiality Agreement and THIS Forum is to discuss it here. I’m disappointed that there is very little conversation and interaction. Why do you want to take this offline?
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Mystery is something unexplained. Intrigue is something interesting.
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But that movie sucked.
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A few weeks ago I read that for the first time a female sailor successfully completed the Navy SEAL course. 14 of 18 women have tried and quit. Three are still in the program. So when you say the SEAL is retired, do you mean she’s one of the 14 who quit?
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Any particular reason it’s 1964? The reason I ask is because I’ve been told it’s more expensive to produce a period piece, and so less likely to get produced.
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The human trafficking concept reminds me of the 1982 movie The Border, which I saw in the theatre back then. The most interesting scene was when Nicholson’s character dumps his barbeque into his own pool.
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Michael, thanks for reading & commenting on my post.
Re logline, I don’t have a thrilling one either. That’s why I said “concept” rather than “logline”. I think many will come to you (and me) as we progress through this class.
I’m curious about your world… What border town do you have in mind?
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Again, Jeff, thanks for responding on my post.
(By the way, you should post your Intro…)
Postulant… I’ve studied Greek & Latin roots of English, but this one confused me. Looked it up and it’s obscure. I guess you’e going for the similarly obscure “Revenant”, which grossed half a billion dollars!
Looking forward seeing how your supernatural develops into a Thriller.
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Thanks for your comments, Jeff. I appreciate your opinions.
In my experience– and I have many professors from various faculties as clients– people tend to be experts in a few areas and naive about other things. In fact, it’s why I chose to focus on professors as my niche financial planning market.
Back to your sensitivity to my hero’s profession. It works here in Canada, which is another “world” of rules. I’ve researched it all and gone through the grinders of feasibility.
I’m finding that adapting this script to this course is exactly what I’m looking for. The original script was a dark-comedy neo-noir crime-drama. Now I hope to press on and see it as a Crime Thriller, with dark comedy and catharsis.
Best wishes for your ground-up concept.
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I starting watching this movie a month ago and tried again last night. Boring voice-over and crappy cliche dialogue. So slow. I couldn’t get past 11 minutes.
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Michael, you’ve mistakenly posted Day 2’s assignment in Day 1. Yes?