[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map Version 3

Title: The Paranormal Patient
Logline: When healthy people start to die at her hospital, a nurse must find the evil force behind the killings before it strikes her young patient or herself.

OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduce the lead character in action.

1. EXT ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAY.

Allie, 28, strides carefully along a rainy street, carrying her cheap sensible shoes, talking to boyfriend on phone as she hurries to her next job interview. She asks him how their daughter is. He says she’s fine but tells Allie he still hasn’t found work and his unemployment has run out. She reports on her earlier interview, a position at BurgerPalooza for $12 an hour. She intends to take it, but has heard about another opening that is not great, but is within walking distance, and probably pays a lot better. She stresses that they are desperate, she’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital and they are out of money.

She stops under an awning in the front of a building that would be imposing if it were not a decrepit pile of crap: “St. Rochus Hospital,” built, according to the brass plate, in 1890. A crude, faded sign informs her they are still “now hiring.” As she puts on her shoes, a cabbie at the curb suggests she put on track shoes, instead, and run away from St. Rochus’s as fast as she can.

2. INT PERSONNEL OFFICE – DAY.

E.R. Manager Feeney passes an application form across his desk to Allie and, puzzled, asks why she wants to work there. He reminds her, if she needed reminding, that St. Rochus is a Catholic hospital and has a morals clause in their contract: their employees are expected to be of impeccable conduct, with no cohabitation or premarital sex. He also tells her they never check to see who their employees live with. He offers her a job, subject to a check of her resume. She accepts, and he introduces her to her boss, the Director of Nursing, Sr. Polygrippa, who is revealed (jump scare?) as a humorless, daunting woman of 6′-6″.

3. INT VARIOUS WARDS & FLOORS – DAY.

Sr. Polygrippa shows Allie around the hospital. We observe that many patients are indigents. Allie mistakes a heavily-bandaged woman in a wheelchair for a patient. The woman is an on-duty nurse, recenly beat up by an indigent. Laundry carts are moved around, parts of the building have been sealed off, elevators are marked “out of order.” Their elevator is very slow, jiggles and jerks as they rise to another floor. The nun stresses their “charitable work,” which State law says they can’t refuse. Allie gives a surreptitious full-body eye-roll.

3A. INT ALLIE’S APARTMENT OPTIONAL – DAY

Allie interacts with boyfriend, reveals more of their situation, relationship, child. Character development. Desperation. Fear. Not a lot of food on hand. She tells him about what’s going on at work, indicates this job is her last chance after what happened at the previous hospital.

INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.

4. INT GROUND FLOOR OFFICES – DAY

The following day, Allie starts work, assigned to the non-paying patient wards. After several run-ins with the patients, Allie is told to go down to Admissions and process a cute and bubbly young patient named Clara Menzies, 11, who is being admitted for a scheduled tonsillectomy. As Allie wheels Clara out of the Admissions office, a fire breaks out right next to them on a desk. The fire alarm goes off. Pandemonium. Allie conducts Clara and her mother into a safe area outside the building. In b.g., Admissions Secretary tells Firemen “It just suddenly was on fire. No cigarette, nothing.”

TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.

5. INT GROUND FLOOR – DAY

Admissions and part of the corridor are sealed off for smoke remediation. The hospital is not evacuated, Allie is told, because the fire was confined to a small area, well away from the patient areas.

The girl’s father, Mr. Menzies, arrives and thanks Allie for taking care of Clara. Both parents seem very concerned about their daughter. Mr. Menzies is especially worried about the fire, but Allie and the nun reassure him it can’t happen again. Sr. Polygrippa immediately takes Allie off the Indigent ward and assigns her to paying patient rooms, including Clara’s room.

6. INT FOURTH FLOOR – DAY

Later that day, a toilet overflows in another room, damaging the room below it. A small fire breaks out in the waste basket in a vacant room, Room 433. A woman in Room 429 claims she saw someone enter her room at midnight. No one else saw anything. Polygrippa orders the dour, creepy Custodian to investigate the relevant rooms, but he finds nothing.

6A. INT ROOM 440 – DAY

Allie calls boyfriend from an empty room. Leaning against the headwall, she gives him an update. She mentions their daughter and their anticipated wedding later that year.

7. INT FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR – DAY

Afterward, Custodian tells Allie this wing, Four South, the oldest in the hospital, was rumored to be haunted at one time. He shows her to Room 444 and tells her it’s been locked for 20 years. He says even he has no key for that room and many other rooms . Allie twists the doorknob. The door opens. Custodian is surprised, shocked, and immediately closes the door again.

8. INT FOURTH FLOOR NURSES’ STATION – DAY

The next day, the woman in Room 429 demands to be discharged and moved to another hospital. Polygrippa orders all the staff to maintain secrecy. Clara’s mother hears about the “ghost” somehow and complains to Sr. Polygrippa, demands her daughter be moved to a different floor. Allie also fears for the young patient and promises mother she’ll protect the girl. Four South is sealed off as haunted and the patients moved. Two nurses quit.

9. INT THIRD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

Allie looks in on Clara often in Room 333. Clara is cute and responsive, and friendly to Allie. Meanwhile, a few other patients leave prematurely. Allie overhears Polygrippa tell Nurse Benson that the hospital’s ratio of paying to non-paying patients is dropping.

10. INT ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara’s mother visits her and tells her ghost stories, upsetting her and Allie. Mr. Menzies patiently tries to get his wife to stop telling stories to his step-daughter, with no success.

11. INT ROOM 333 – NIGHT

Later that night, Clara has a nightmare. When Nurse Benson goes in to quiet her, she sees the covers snatched off the girl, who wakes and screams. Benson grabs the girl and runs into the corridor. The creepy Custodian appears suddenly, scaring them. They find nothing that could have moved the covers. They move Clara to Room 330.

12. INT PERSONNEL MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The next day, Feeney calls Allie into his office. Sr. Polygrippa is there. They mention the poltergeist phenomenon from the previous night shift. Then they say someone has reported Allie for cohabiting with a man she’s not married to and for having a child out of wedlock. She’s threatened with being fired for immorality, but it’s an empty threat, given the hospital’s employee shortage. She thinks looks her position is secure . . . for now. She’s then told to file a stack of records in the basement.

13. INT HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

The spooky Custodian, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, knows the hospital and the files better than anyone else. Among the clutter (gas cylinders, furnace, etc.), he has a slide rule and all the building plans on his workshop walls. He admits to Allie that the rumors were true: The hospital was haunted 40 years ago, and certain sections were sealed off, then, along with several elevators. He tells spooky stories, worse than Mrs. Menzies, scaring Allie.

14. INT ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara asks Allie why her step-father hasn’t come to visit her. Allie tries to contact him, but the phone has been disconnected. No one, including Mrs. Menzies, has seen him since he visited Clara in 333. The part-time doorman didn’t see him leave, as far as he knows.

15. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY

Allie tells Polygrippa about Menzies. The nun orders a search of the building. Some of the father’s personal property is found in a room. A doorman says he thinks he saw Mr. Menzies leave the hospital. More phenomena occur on the Old Wing. Staff start to quit because of the strange happenings. Polygrippa promises them more money to continue working there. Sr. Polygrippa sprinkles holy water in all the rooms, and the phenomena stop.

16. INT 3RD FLOOR LOCATIONS – DAY

The next day, the phenomena start all over again, only worse. The “solution” didn’t work. Sr. Polygrippa’s team tries burning sage, incense, candles, etc.

17. INT 3RD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

Allie opens a cabinet and finds it full of scalpels, etc. A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments due to an incident at her previous hospital. Polygrippa comes and tells Allie she is going to do Clara’s anesthetic for her operation, a long-delayed tonsillectomy. Allie tries to talk her out of it, but Polygrippa insists she can do it, unless she lied on her resume. She also says Allie should be there to protect Clara during and after the operation. Allie agrees to serve in the O.R.

18. INT OPERATING ROOM – DAY

The operation is smoothly underway when more phenomena start. Allie, already nervous starts to shake during the procedure when she sees one of the instruments levitate. Allie screams and runs out and is accosted by Sr. Polygrippa. Allie has to admit she has developed a phobia of surgical instruments, but is ordered to return to her post or resign. Two surgical lamps blow out. There are no spares in the OR storage cabinets. They get by with headlamps and the operation is finished successfully. Strange noises are heard several floors up, in sealed off areas. They move Clara back to her room.

19. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sr. Polygrippa places a phone call to an elderly exorcist, Fr. Wilbur Dean, and requests his assistance.

MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
20. INT ROOM 330 – NIGHT

Benson is afraid to do the night shift on Clara’s ward. Allie takes her shift. When Clara’s door keeps closing, contrary to orders, Allie puts a cast iron chair in the way. A while later, she sees the chair tumbling end over end down the hallway, not making a sound. The door is closed. Allie runs into the ladies’ room.

21. INT 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY

Clara thanks her when she wakes, says she had no more nightmares. Benson comes on duty. Allie goes next door to get some sleep, and discovers Mrs. Menzies dead in Room 330.

21A. INT 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY (MIDPOINT)

The Police are called and question everybody. Coroner takes away the body of Mrs. Menzies after saying there’s no sign of foul play. Polygrippa reveals some negative information about the hospital finances. The police tape off Room 330 as a possible crime scene and leave. Exhausted, Allie sleeps in Room 331, an empty room.

22. INT POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

As the police exit, the charming exorcist arrives. He scares Allie with stories of his exorcisms. She tells him she thinks she should quit. He asks her to stay to help with Clara. He says leaving after such a short employment may make it hard for her find anothe job. She tells him about the chair tumbling down the hall. He asks a few questions, including Clara’s age and when the phenomena started. He eventually gets them to tell him about the fire as they admitted Clara. He leaves to prepare himself for the exorcism. Polygrippa tells Allie she’s found evidence of missing supply purchases, mentions that their insurance costs are up because of the high turnover of nurses. She also mentions that restaffing has begun.

Polygrippa turns on the local TV news. It includes Menzies’ death and a story that an exorcist has been called in to St. Rochus’s, based on “an insider’s account.” Details establish that the information must have been leaked by someone at the last staff meeting. Sr. Polygrippa is furious and anticipates patients and staff leaving, and fewer donations, because of the TV coverage.

23. INT HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

Custodian shows Allie and the Exorcist on a marked-up building plan where the phenomena have taken place, all but one near Clara’s room, up or down one floor. The exorcist ID’s Clara as the possessed source of the phenomena, explains the difference between possession and poltergeists. He suggests moving Clara to the end of an old abandoned wing, Room 599, away from the other patients. He gives Allie a master pass key.

23A. INT HOSPITAL ROOM 599 – DAY

The Exorcist meets Clara, says what he intends to do. She pouts. He asks her to cooperate. She is reluctant. He goes to prepare his equipment.

24. INT ROOM 597 – DAY

Exorcist opens his bag and takes out his gear. He wonders why Menzies didn’t tell the hospital Clara was possessed. He sends Allie away while he readies his incense, candles, bell, Bible, rehearses his readings, prays, etc. There’s a strange two-tone humming-whistling noise. He rises, sways, gasps, reels about the room, holding up his crucifix, praying, commanding the demon to leave. He goes toward the door, falls on the floor and dies.

TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.

24A. EXT ROOM 599 – DAY

The exorcist doesn’t come out of the room. They hear eerie whistling noises then silence. Custodian is called and unlocks the door with his key. He starts to open the door, but something’s in the way. Allie squeeezes past the door and finds the exorcist dead on the floor, his face against the door, no signs of foul play.

24B. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The police come, Cop #1, Cop #2, coroner’s rep. They ask many questions. When they hear Exorcist died “during” an exorcism, Cop #1 wants to get away ASAP and leave even before the coroner takes the body away. Cop #2 insists they go by the book. Coroner tells them there’s no obvious cause of death. He needles Cop #1 by wondering aloud if the Exorcist died of fright.

25. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Allie, saddened by the exorcist’s death, angrily risks her job, tells Polygrippa they have to do something more effective than holy water. Polygrippa promises she’ll investigate the strange noises in the building and try to get another exorcist. Allie checks on Clara, has lost both her parents, begs her to stay with her.

Allie talks with her boyfriend who wants her to get out of there, asks when she gets her first check.

25A. INT CEO’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Polygrippa & Allie visit or call CEO Grundlefinger and asks for money for an engineering study of the building. Grundlefinger says there’s no money, and the noises are part of structural repairs in the oldest areas of the building that are taking all the cash. Jacob Zudirk, Director of Facilities, has kept the repairs secret to avoid having the building condemned. Grundlefinger tells the nun the hospital is almost bankrupt. Polygrippa calls another exorcist.

26. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

During a storm so severe people are warned not to go out in the streets. Allie finds that Clara is missing. She reports this to Sr. Polygrippa, then explores the room, including the headwall, with all its connections, IV support arms, and capped connections that don’t seem to do anything. Another nurse, Betty Benson, thinks they were originally for oxygen or vacuum lines that were replaced with central tanks when the new wing was added.

Allie and Betty Benson look in the basement, where other parts of the building are sealed off. Allie finds a voodoo doll in her locker. She shows it to Polygrippa and gets bawled out, ordered to stop snooping, let the police investigate. Polygrippa says she’ll donates her own funds to order vital supplies and pay for the investigation. She arranges to meet Allie later at the nurses station near Clara. Allie returns to the basement, uses the Custodian’s key to open one of the taped off elevators, where she finds the Custodian dead, without a mark on him. Benson goes to sleep in an empty room.

27. INT MORGUE – NIGHT

When called, the police claim the storm will delay them until morning. Polygrippa ordesr Custodian put in the old hospital morgue cold storage until police can arrive. Allie tells the nun she fears that something demonic killed the Custodian and the Exorcist.

27A. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT [maybe move to morgue]

Polygrippa enters. Door closes automatically. Supernatural whistling noise begins. Nun searches all over for the source of the whistling. Eventually she collapses.

28. Xth FLOOR NURSES STATION – NIGHT

Allie arrives, waits for Polygrippa. She visits Clara. Polygrippa doesn’t show up. No one saw her leave the building.

29. POLYGRIPPA’s OFFICE – NIGHT

Allie searches for the nun and finds her personal effects left behind. She looks out the window to see if the storm has abated, hoping the police can make it through.

29A. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

Allie and others search the hospital, looking for the nun and or Clara. Allie thinks she is being stalked. She uses the key the Custodian gave her to open the door to the cold storage room. “Is this door to keep us out? Or them in?” There are two bodies there, one tall, one short, on slabs, covered by sheets. No Clara-size bodies. She pulls the sheet down on the Custodian-sized body, but it’s an anatomical skeleton. She puts the sheet back where it was. Polygrippa is beneath the second sheet. Concealed beneath her bib collar, she has crucial records incriminating Zudirk, the Facilities Manager,: old employee records and recent expenditures. Another document shows the paying patients-to-indigents ratio is dropping. She also found that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents.

Allie gets the evidence together and starts to leave cold storage. She tries the door but it’s been barred from the outside and she can’t get out. An eerie whistling noise like she heard in the Exorcist’s room begins. She traces it to a whistle attached to a capped pipe coming out of the wall. She twists the cap off, and the whistling stops, replaced by a steady whoosh of flowing gas.

“Hello, Allie,” comes from the pipe, an old fashioned speaking tube. It’s Menzies. He tells her Clara is with him and he’s filling the cold room with nitrogen, the way he suffocated Polygrippa, the Custodian and the Exorcist. Allie tries to stop the flow with her hands, no luck. She stuffs tissues into the pipe; no luck. She finally takes out a quarter and puts it inside the cap, then screws the cap over the pipe, stopping the flow. She pulls the pins out of the hinges using Polygrippa’s big metal cross and escapes.

CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.

30. INT SEALED OFF WING – DAY

Allie calls the police. The dispatcher says they’re already on the way, but may have been delayed by fallen trees, etc.

As Allie passes the sealed off wing, she sees a laundry cart left there. She reluctantly checks for a body. Nothing inside. She finds a concealed entrance (through a taped off elevator door) and enters the sealed off wing. Instead of the expected disorder, it’s clean and new, including an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs in picnic coolers or dewars. A body is on a slab. She whips back the sheet and finds the Custodian, who has had his useful organs removed. A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5. An attendant spots her and summons Menzies.

Menzies arrives, chases, her, admitting he and the Facilities Manager were trying to bankrupt the hospital so he can buy up the stock and take it over to turn it into an organ harvesting operation. Allie exits by the false elevator, dashes into the adjacent stairwell and is chased up to the top floor. Menzies summons Clara, who appears, grinning fiendishly, apparently possessed. He orders her to kill Allie. Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched. Allie takes Polygrippa’s cross from her pocket, paralyzing Clara. She then attacks Menzies, who runs into the stair railing, which gives way. He falls down the stairwell. Clara embraces Allie. Allie looks at her dubiously, but takes her downstairs.

The police finally arrive, and Allie protects Clara from unpleasant attention, telling them Menzies stumbled and fell while trying to kill her.

RESOLUTION: end the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.

31. EXT ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAWN

More police activity. They tell results of the mother’s autopsy: death by alcohol poisoning. The new exorcist arrives and performs an exorcism on Clara. Clara has no known relatives and is apparently Menzies’ sole heir. CPS is shut down from the storm. A police woman says she’ll take the girl to the police station. Allie convinces her it would be better to let Clara go home with her for post-op care after the doctor releases her.

Final shot: Allie and Clara walk towards home, hand in hand, barefoot on the wet sidewalks. The boyfriend meets them on the street.

[Jeff Guenther]

I’m looking for another critique swap, if anyone’s interested. Thanks.

[Jeff Guenther]

I’ve had to take a step back and create a timeline. In a chronologically written script, the timeline is implicit. The Thriller process is different, and the fastest way to pick up timing plot holes is to create a formal timeline. I used Excel. Copy available, if anyone wants it.

UPDATE: I’ve completed my timeline. In addition to fixing plot holes, it’s helped me to show on-screen events I’ve only told, to involve the MC in other incidents, show the reactions of the police, create a more realistic sequence of events (MC has to sleep sometime!), rationalization of MMM with Syd Field’s Paradigm, add a place to drop in another key poltergeist incident, add a spooky sound-effect, and fine a way for the MC to save herself by her own cleverness. None of this is easy. END OF UPDATE.

Because critiques are to be based solely on the course content, I’ve also created a critique punchlist to help me stay focused on just that content.

☐☑ For [Writer]: ____________________________ [Project]________________________________

☐ unknowing/unwitting Hero?

☐ resourceful hero?

☐ dangerous & fascinating villain, trying to destroy opposition?

☐ high stakes?

☐ plot twists?

☐ no flat passages?

☐ continuing suspense?

☐ LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS

☐ mystery appears early, imperiling Hero or a loved one

☐ hero is forced to solve the mystery?

☐ Is there big intrigue, a plot?

☐ got tension?

☐ got anticipation?

☐ got uncertainty ?

☐ got surprise(s)?

☐ is there constant danger or expectation of danger to the hero?

☐ is there escalation of danger or stakes?

☐ is there a red herring?

☐ Is there mystery for each character?

☐ &/Or intrigue for each character?

☐ &/Or suspense for each character?

☐ Does the Villain have an end goal?

☐ Can the Villain reach it deviously

☐ How does the Villain cover it up?

☐ Does the plan follow an intriguing sequence?

☐ Are there trust/distrust issues?

☐ Are there action reveals?

☐ Do the reveals evoke viewer emotion?

☐ Is backstory minimized?

☐ Misdirection clues?

☐ Is there a primary clue trail?

GLG

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Jeff Guenther. Reason: Show experience with timeline

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map Version ***CRITIQUE COMPLETE*** PLEASE SEE VERSION 2 (COMING SOON)

Title: The Paranormal Patient
Logline: What can a young nurse do when paranormal activities surround her new patient?

Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

EXT – ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAY.

Allie, 28, strides carefully along a rainy street, talking to boyfriend on phone. She asks about their premature (premature relative to their wedding) one-year old daughter is. He tells her he still hasn’t found work and his unemployment has run out. She reports on her last interview, a position at BurgerPalooza for $12 an hour. She intends to take it, but has heard about another opening that is not great, but is within walking distance, probably pays a lot better: St. Rochus. She stresses that they are desperate, she’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital and they are out of money.

She stops in front of a building that would be imposing if it were not decrepit: “St. Rochus Hospital,” built, according to the brass plate, in 1890. A tacky sign informs us they are still “now hiring.” A <font color=”#000000″>cabbie at the curb suggests she put on track shoes and run away as fast as she can. </font>

INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY.

CEO passes an application form across his desk to Allie and, puzzled, asks why she wants to work there. He calls her attention to the morals clause in their contract, but then informs her they never check to see who their employees live with. He offers her a job, subject to a check of her resume. She accepts, and he introduces her to her boss, the Director of Nursing, Sr. Polygrippa, who is revealed (jump scare?) as a humorless, daunting woman of 6′-6″.

INT – VARIOUS WARDS & FLOORS – DAY.

Sr. Polygrippa shows Allie around the hospital.We observe that many patients are indigents. Allie mistakes a heavily-bandaged woman in a wheelchair for a patient. The woman is an on-duty nurse, recenly beat up by an indigent. Laundry carts are moved around, parts of the building have been sealed off, <font color=”#000000″>elevators are marked “out of order.”</font> Their elevator is very slow, jiggles and jerks as they rise to another floor. The nun stresses their “charitable work,” which State law says they can’t refuse. Allie gives a surreptitious full-body eye-roll.

INT – GROUND FLOOR OFFICES – DAY

The following day, Allie is assigned to the non-paying wards. After several run-ins with the patients, Allie is told to go to Admissions and process a cute and bubbly young patient named Clara Menzies, 11, who is admitted for scheduled minor surgery. As Allie wheels her out of the Admissions office, a fire breaks out right next to them in another office. The fire alarm goes off. Pandemonium. Allie conducts Clara and her mother into a safe area outside the building.

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

INT – GROUND FLOOR – DAY

Part of the building is sealed off for smoke remediation. The hospital is not evacuated, she is told, because the fire was confined to a small area, well away from the patient areas.

The girl’s father, Mr. Menzies, arrives and thanks Allie for taking care of Clara. Both parents seem very concerned about their daughter. Mr. Menzies is especially worried about the fire, but Allie and the nun reassure him. Sr. Polygrippa immediately takes Allie off the Indigent ward and assignes her to paying patient rooms, including Clara’s room.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR – DAY

The next day, a toilet overflows in another room, damaging the room below it. A small fire breaks out in the waste basket in a vacant room, Room 433. A woman in Room 429 claims she saw someone enter her room at midnight. No one else saw anything. Polygrippa orders the dour, creepy Custodian to investigate the room, but he finds nothing.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR, ROOM 444 – DAY

Afterward, he tells Allie this wing, the oldest in the hospital, was rumored to be haunted at one time. He shows her Room 444 tells her it’s been locked for 20 years. He says even he has no key for that room and many other places in the hospital. Allie tries the door and it opens.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR NURSES’ STATION – DAY

The woman in Room 429 demands to be discharged and moved to another hospital. Polygrippa orders all the <font color=”#000000″>staff to maintain secrecy</font>. Clara’s mother hears about the “ghost” somehow and complains to Sr. Polygrippa, demands her daughter be moved to a different floor. Allie also fears for the young patient and <font color=”#000000″>promises mother she’ll protect the girl.</font> That wing is sealed off as haunted and the patients moved.

INT – THIRD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

Allie only has a few patients and looks in on Clara often in Room 333. Clara is cute and responsive, and friendly to Allie. Meanwhile, a few other patients leave prematurely. Allie overhears Polygrippa tell Nurse Benson that the hospital’s ratio of paying to non-paying patients is dropping.

INT – ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara’s mother visits her and tells her ghost stories, upsetting her and Allie. Mr. Menzies patiently tries to get his wife to stop telling stories to his step-daughter, with no success.

INT – ROOM 333 – NIGHT

Later that night, <font color=”#000000″>Clara has a nightmare</font>. When Allie goes in to quiet her, she sees the covers snatched off the girl, who wakes and screams. Allie grabs the girl and runs into the corridor. The creepy Custodian appears suddenly, scaring them. They find nothing that could have moved the covers. They move Clara to Room 330.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY

The next day, the CEO calls Allie into his office. Sr. Polygrippa is there. <font color=”#000000″>Someone has reported Allie</font> for cohabiting with a man she’s not married to and for having a child out of wedlock. She’s threatened with being fired for immorality, but it’s an empty threat, given the hospital’s situation. It looks like her position is secure . . . for now. As punishment, she’s told to look up old records in the basement.

INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

The spooky Custodian, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, knows the hospital better than anyone else. He has a slide rule and all the building plans on his workshop walls. He admits to Allie that the rumors were true: The hospital was haunted 40 years ago, and certain sections were sealed off, then, along with several elevators. He tells spooky stories, worse than Mrs. Menzies, scaring Allie.

INT – ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara asks Allie why her step-father hasn’t come to visit her. Allie tries to contact him, but the phone has been disconnected. No one has seen him since he visited Clara in 333.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY

Allie tells Polygrippa, who orders a search of the building. Some of the father’s personal property is found in a room. <font color=”#000000″>A doorman says he thinks he saw Mr. Menzies leave the hospital.</font> More phenomena occur on the Old Wing. Staff start to quit because of the strange happenings. Polygrippa promises them more money to work there. Sr. Polygrippa sprinkles holy water in all the rooms, and the phenomena stop.

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

INT – 3RD FLOOR LOCATIONS – DAY

The next day, the phenomena start all over again, only worse. The “solution” didn’t work. Sr. Polygrippa’s team tries burning sage, incense, candles, etc.

INT – 3RD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments due to an incident at her previous hospital. Polygrippa comes and tells Allie she is going to do Clara’s anesthetic for her operation. Allie tries to talk her out of it, but Polygrippa insists she can do it, unless she lied on her resume. She also says Allie should be there to protect Clara during and after the operation. Allie agrees to serve in the O.R.

INT – OPERATING ROOM – DAY

The operation is smoothly underway when<font color=”#000000″> more phenomena start</font>. Allie, already nervous starts to shake during the procedure when she sees one of the instruments levitate. Allie screams and runs out and is accosted by Sr. Polygrippa. Allie has to admit she has developed a phobia of surgical instruments, but is ordered to return to her post or resign. Two surgical lamps blow out. There are no spares in the OR storage cabinets. They get by with headlamps and the operation is finished successfully. Strange noises are heard several floors up, in sealed off areas. They move Clara back to her room.

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sr. Polygrippa places a phone call to an elderly exorcist, Fr. Wilbur Dean, and requests his assistance.

INT – ROOM 330 – NIGHT

Allie stays with Clara that night. Clara thanks her when she wakes. Allie goes to get her mother in the next room.

INT – 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY

Allie discovers Mrs. Menzies dead in Room 330, next door. The Police are called and question everybody. Coroner takes away the body of Mrs. Menzies.

INT – POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

The exorcist arrives and scares Allie with stories of possession. He asks a few questions, including Clara’s age and when the phenomena started. He eventually gets them to tell him about the fire as they admitted Clara. He leaves to prepare himself for the exorcism. Polygrippa tells Allie she’s found evidence of missing supply purchases, mentions that their insurance costs are up because of the high turnover of nurses. She also mentions that restaffing has begun.

The local newspaper is delivered. It contains news of Mrs. Menzies’ death and a story that an exorcist has been called in to St. Rochus’s. Details include information that must have been leaked by someone at the last staff meeting. Sr. Polygrippa is furious and anticipates patients and staff leaving, and fewer donations, because of the newspaper articles.

INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

Custodian shows Allie on a building plan where the phenomena have taken place, all but one near Clara’s room, up or down one floor. He recommends moving Clara to the end of an old abandoned wing, Room 599.

INT – 5TH FLOOR – DAY

The exorcist ID’s Clara as the source of the poltergeist phenomena. He gets his gear together in Room 597, near Clara’s room. He wonders why Menzies didn’t tell the hospital Clara was a poltergeist. He sends Allie away while he readies his incense, candles, bell, Bible, rehearses his readings, prays, etc. The exorcist doesn’t come out of the room. They hear funny whistling noises then silence. Custodian is called and opens the door with his key. The exorcist is dead on the floor, his face against the door, with no signs of foul play. The police come and the coroner takes the body away.

Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change. All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job. She meets with Sr. Polygrippa and insists on some action other than holy water. Polygrippa promises she’ll investigate the strange noises in the building. Polygrippa calls CEO Feeney and asks for money for an engineering study of the building. <font color=”#000000″>Feeney says there’s no money, and </font><font color=”#000000″>the noises are part of structural repairs in the oldest areas of the building that are taking all the cash.</font> Jacob Zudirk, Director of Facilities, has kept the repairs secret to avoid having the building condemned. Feeney tells the nun the hospital is almost bankrupt.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

During a storm, Allie begins to investigate the rooms in the old wing. She <font color=”#000000″>finds capped pipes in the headwall that don’t seem to do anything. </font>Another nurse, Betty Benson, thinks they were originally for air or vacuum lines that were replaced when the new wing was added.

Allie and Betty Benson investigate the basement, where parts of building are sealed off. Allie finds voodoo doll in her locker. She shows it to Polygrippa and gets bawled out, ordered to stop snooping, let a consultant do the investigation. She returns to the basement and <font color=”#000000″>finds the Custodian dead, apparently electrocuted</font> by a lightning strike.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

INT – MORGUE – NIGHT

Custodian is put in the old hospital morgue cold storage until police can arrive after the storm. Allie fears that something demonic killed the Custodian. Polygrippa says she’ll donates her own funds to order vital supplies and pay for the investigation. She arranges to meet Allie later.

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Polygrippa doesn’t show up. No one saw her leave the building. Allie searches for her and finds her personal effects left behind.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

Allie and others search the hospital, looking for the nun. Allie thinks she is being stalked. A co-worker reports Allie’s illegit daughter. Allie is told she’s going to be discharged as soon as Polygrippa is located.

Thinking she’s observed, Allie hides in the cold storage room and finds Polygrippa there, dead of a stab wound. Polygrippa has crucial records concealed in her Bank of Ireland: old employee records and recent expenditures. One document shows the paying patients to indigents ratio is dropping. She also found that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents.

The papers incriminate Zudirk, the Facilities Manager. Allie gets evidence together and starts to leave cold storage. She sees Custodian’s body, covered by a sheet. She whips back the sheet and finds it’s been replaced by an anatomical skeleton. Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors; she can’t get out.

Allie uncovers a speaking tube in the cold storage room, and calls for help. The assistant Custodian hears her in the basement, comes and lets her out.

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

INT – SEALED OFF WING – DAY

Early in the morning, Allie brings Benson back to the cold room to show them the skeleton. She jerks the sheet away, again, revealing the Custodian’s body, now missing its kidneys, etc. Benson goes to tell the CEO what they found.

As Allie passes the sealed off wing, she sees a laundry cart left there. She finds a concealed entrance and explores the spooky sealed off wing, where there is an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs in picnic coolers or dewars. A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5.

Menzies arrives, chases, tries to kill her, admitting he and the Facilities Manager are trying to bankrupt the hospital so he can buy up the stock and take it over. Allie runs to the top floor. Clara appears, grinning fiendishly, apparently possessed. Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father and orders her to kill Allie. Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched, but turns and uses her poltergeist powers to shove Menzies down the stairs, instead:

Clara embraces Allie. The police finally arrive and Allie tells them Menzies stumbled and fell. Then the nurse wonders if Clara might decide to kill her?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Jeff Guenther. Reason: NEW REV IN PROGRESS

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map for Script Scenes

What I learned is: (1) Thriller text ranges from ~30% of Reel 1 material to ~60%+ of Reel 8 material. (2) This process will still require a lot of seek-and-destroy missions to eliminate plot holes. (3) Basically, the process works by building in thriller elements with the first steps; other things may also be built in. (4) The Mini-Movie Method may not be the best structure to use. (5) I probably should have done more work on the character list early on.

Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

EXT – ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAY.

Allie, 28, strides carefully along a rainy street, talking to boyfriend on phone. She asks about their premature (premature relative to their wedding) one-year old daughter. He tells her he still hasn’t found work and his unemployment has run out. She reports on her last interview, a position at BurgerPalooza for $12 an hour. She intends to take it, but has heard about another opening that is not great, but is within walking distance, probably pays a lot better: St. Rochus. Her boyfriend gives his succinct opinion of the place: “PLPLPLPPPPPPPT!” She stresses that she . . . they are desperate. She’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital, she reminds him, and they’re flat broke.

Tilting upward from Allie’s bare feet on the rainy sidewalk, we see she is in a full nurse’s uniform, RN badge, carrying her cheap, sensible shoes in her hand.

She pauses in front of a building that would be imposing if it were not a decrepit piece of shit. This is, we soon see, “St. Rochus Hospital,” built, according to the brass plate, in 1890, though it could easily pass for Abe Lincoln’s favorite hospital. A tacky sign, its black letters blue from months of sunlight, informs us they are still “now hiring.” As she puts her shoes on, a <font color=”#000000″>cabbie at the curb suggests she put on track shoes, instead, and run away as fast as she can.</font>

INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY.

CEO passes an application form across his Formica desk to Allie and, puzzled, asks why she wants to work there. She explains: No car, it’s close to home, her boyfriend is broke, too. He calls her attention to the morals and cohabitation clause in their contract, but then informs her they never check to see who their employees live with. He sells her on the job and her boss. He offers her a job, subject to a check of her resume. She accepts, and he introduces her to her boss, the head nun, Sr. Polygrippa, who is revealed (jump scare?) as a humorless, daunting woman of 6′-6″.

INT – VARIOUS WARDS & FLOORS – DAY.

Sr. Polygrippa shows Allie around the hospital. We observe that many patients are indigents. Allie mistakes a heavily-bandaged woman in a wheelchair for a patient. The woman is an on-duty nurse, recently beat up by an indigent. Laundry carts are moved around, parts of the building have been sealed off, <font color=”#000000″>elevators are marked “out of order.”</font> Their elevator is very slow, jiggles and jerks as they rise to another floor. The nun stresses their “charitable work,” which State law says they can’t refuse. Allie gives a surreptitious full-body eye-roll.

INT – GROUND FLOOR OFFICES – DAY

The following day, Allie is assigned to the non-paying wards. A cute and bubbly young patient named Clara Menzies, 11, is admitted for a scheduled tonsillectomy. As Allie wheels her out of the Admissions office, a fire breaks out right next to them in another offices. The fire alarm goes off. Pandemonium. Allie conducts Clara and her mother into a safe area outside the building.

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

INT – GROUND FLOOR – DAY

Part of the building is sealed off for smoke remediation. The hospital is not evacuated, she is told, because the fire was confined to a small area, well away from the patient areas.

The girl’s father, Mr. Menzies, arrives and thanks Allie for taking care of Clara. Both parents seem very concerned about their daughter. Mr. Menzies is especially worried about the fire, but Allie and the nun reassure him. Sr. Polygrippa immediately takes Allie off the Indigent ward and assigns her to paying patient rooms, including Clara’s room.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR – DAY

The next day, a toilet overflows in another room, damaging the room below it. A small fire breaks out in the waste basket in a vacant room, Room 433. A woman in Room 429 claims she saw someone enter her room at midnight. No one else saw anything. Polygrippa orders the dour, creepy Custodian to investigate the room, but he finds nothing.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR, ROOM 444 – DAY

Afterward, he tells Allie this wing, the oldest in the hospital, was rumored to be haunted at one time. He shows her Room 444 tells her it’s been locked for 20 years. He says even he has no key for that room and many other places in the hospital. Allie tries the door and it opens.

INT – FOURTH FLOOR NURSES’ STATION – DAY

The woman in Room 429 demands to be discharged and moved to another hospital. Polygrippa orders all the <font color=”#000000″>staff to maintain secrecy</font>. Clara’s mother hears about the “ghost” somehow and complains to Sr. Polygrippa, demands her daughter be moved to a different floor. Allie also fears for the young patient and <font color=”#000000″>promises mother she’ll protect the girl.</font> That wing is sealed off as haunted and the patients moved.

INT – THIRD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

Allie only has a few patients and looks in on Clara often in Room 333. Clara is cute and responsive, and friendly to Allie. Meanwhile, a few other patients leave prematurely. Allie overhears Polygrippa tell another nurse that the hospital’s ratio of paying to non-paying patients is dropping.

INT – ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara’s mother visits her and tells her ghost stories, upsetting her and Allie. Mr. Menzies patiently tries to get his wife to stop telling stories to his step-daughter, with no success.

INT – ROOM 333 – NIGHT

Later that night, <font color=”#000000″>Clara has a nightmare</font>. When Allie goes in to quiet her, she sees the covers snatched off the girl, who wakes and screams. Allie grabs the girl and runs into the corridor. The creepy Custodian appears suddenly, scaring them. They find nothing that could have moved the covers. They move Clara to Room 330.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY

The next day, the CEO calls Allie into his office. Sr. Polygrippa is there. <font color=”#000000″>Someone has reported Allie</font> for cohabiting with a man she’s not married to and for having a child out of wedlock. She’s threatened with being fired for immorality, but it’s an empty threat, given the hospital’s situation. It looks like her position is secure . . . for now. As punishment, she’s told to look up old records in the basement.

INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

The spooky Custodian, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, knows the hospital better than anyone else. He has a slide rule and all the building plans on his workshop walls. He admits to Allie that the rumors were true: The hospital was haunted 40 years ago, and certain sections were sealed off, then, along with several elevators. He tells spooky stories, worse than Mrs. Menzies, scaring Allie.

INT – ROOM 333 – DAY

Clara asks Allie why her step-father hasn’t come to visit her. Allie tries to contact him, but the phone has been disconnected. No one has seen him since he visited Clara in 333.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY

Allie tells Polygrippa, who orders a search of the building. Some of the father’s personal property is found in a room. <font color=”#000000″>A doorman says he thinks he saw Mr. Menzies leave the hospital.</font> More phenomena occur on the Old Wing. Staff start to quit because of the strange happenings. Polygrippa promises them more money to work there. Sr. Polygrippa sprinkles holy water in all the rooms, and the phenomena stop.

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

INT – 3RD FLOOR LOCATIONS – DAY

The next day, the phenomena start all over again, only worse. The “solution” didn’t work. Sr. Polygrippa’s team tries burning sage, incense, candles, etc.

INT – 3RD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY

A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments due to an incident at her previous hospital. Polygrippa comes and tells Allie she is going to do Clara’s anesthetic for her operation. Allie tries to talk her out of it, but Polygrippa insists she can do it, unless she lied on her resume. She also says Allie should be there to protect Clara during and after the operation. Allie agrees to serve in the O.R.

INT – OPERATING ROOM – DAY

The operation is smoothly underway when<font color=”#000000″> more phenomena start</font>. Allie, already nervous starts to shake during the procedure when she sees one of the instruments levitate. Allie screams and runs out and is accosted by Sr. Polygrippa. Allie has to admit she has developed a phobia of surgical instruments, but is ordered to return to her post or resign. Two surgical lamps blow out. There are no spares in the OR storage cabinets. They get by with headlamps and the operation is finished successfully. Strange noises are heard several floors up, in sealed off areas. They move Clara back to her room.

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sr. Polygrippa places a phone call to an elderly exorcist, Fr. Wilbur Dean, and requests his assistance.

INT – ROOM 330 – NIGHT

Allie stays with Clara that night. Clara thanks her when she wakes. Allie goes to get her mother in the next room.

INT – 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY

Allie discovers Mrs. Menzies dead in Room 330, next door. The Police are called and question everybody. Coroner takes away the body of Mrs. Menzies.

INT – POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY

The exorcist arrives and scares Allie with stories of possession. He asks a few questions, including Clara’s age and when the phenomena started. He eventually gets them to tell him about the fire as they admitted Clara. He leaves to prepare himself for the exorcism. Polygrippa tells Allie she’s found evidence of missing supply purchases, mentions that their insurance costs are up because of the high turnover of nurses. She also mentions that restaffing has begun.

The local newspaper is delivered. It contains news of Mrs. Menzies’ death and a story that an exorcist has been called in to St. Rochus’s. Details include information that must have been leaked by someone at the last staff meeting. Sr. Polygrippa is furious and anticipates patients and staff leaving, and fewer donations, because of the newspaper articles.

INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY

Custodian shows Allie a building plan where phenomena locations have been marked; all but one near Clara’s room. He recommends moving Clara to the end of an old abandoned wing, Room 599.

INT – 5TH FLOOR – DAY

The exorcist ID’s Clara as the source of the poltergeist phenomena. He gets his gear together in Room 597, near Clara’s room. He wonders why Menzies didn’t tell the hospital Clara was a poltergeist. He sends Allie away while he readies his incense, candles, bell, Bible, rehearses his readings, prays, etc. The exorcist doesn’t come out of the room. They hear funny whistling noises then silence. Custodian is called and opens the door with his key. The exorcist is dead on the floor, his face against the door, with no signs of foul play. The police come and the coroner takes the body away.

Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change. All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job. She meets with Sr. Polygrippa and insists on some action other than holy water. Polygrippa promises she’ll investigate the strange noises in the building. Polygrippa calls the CEO and asks for money for an engineering study of the building. <font color=”#000000″>Feeney says there’s no money, and </font><font color=”#000000″>the noises are part of structural repairs in the oldest areas of the building that are taking all the cash.</font> They’ve kept the repairs secret to avoid having the building condemned. He tells the nun the hospital is almost bankrupt.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

During a storm, Allie begins to investigate the rooms in the old wing. She <font color=”#000000″>finds capped pipes in the bed headwall that don’t seem to do anything. </font>Another nurse, Betty, thinks they were originally for air or vacuum lines that were replaced when the new wing was added.

The two nurses investigate the basement, where parts of building are sealed off. Allie finds voodoo doll in her locker. She shows them to Polygrippa & gets bawled out, ordered to stop snooping, let a consultant do the investigation. She returns to the basement and <font color=”#000000″>finds the Custodian dead, apparently electrocuted</font> by a lightning strike.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

INT – MORGUE – NIGHT

Custodian is put in the old hospital morgue cold storage until police can arrive after the storm. Allie fears that something demonic killed the Custodian. Polygrippa says she’ll donates her own funds to order vital supplies and pay for the investigation. She arranges to meet Allie later.

INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Polygrippa doesn’t show up. No one saw her leave the building. Allie searches for her and finds her personal effects left behind.

INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT

Allie and others search the hospital, looking for the nun. Allie thinks she is being stalked. A co-worker reports Allie’s illegit daughter. Allie is told she’s going to be discharged as soon as Polygrippa is located.

Thinking she’s observed, Allie hides in the cold storage room and finds Polygrippa there, dead of a stab wound. Polygrippa has crucial records concealed in her Bank of Ireland: old employee records and recent expenditures. One document shows the paying patients to indigents ratio is dropping. She also found that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents.

The papers incriminate the Chairman of the Board. Allie gets evidence together and starts to leave cold storage. She sees Custodian’s body, covered by a sheet. She whips back the sheet and finds it’s been replaced by an anatomical skeleton. Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors. It just got more dangerous. Allie is locked in cold storage room.

Allie uncovers a speaking tube in the cold storage room, and calls for help. Someone comes and lets her out. They go to check on Clara. The other nurse stays with Clara. Allie brings another nun back to the cold room to show them the skeleton. She jerks the sheet away, revealing the Custodian’s body, sans organs.

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

INT – SEALED OFF WING – NIGHT

As they pass the sealed off wing, they see a laundry cart left there. They find a concealed entrance and explore the spooky sealed off wing. Allie discovers an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs in picnic coolers or liquid nitrogen dewars. A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5.

Menzies arrives, chases, tries to kill her, admitting he’s trying to bankrupt the hospital so he can take it over. Allie runs to the top floor. Clara appears, grinning fiendishly, apparently possessed. Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father and orders her to kill Allie. Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched, but turns and uses her poltergeist powers to shove Menzies over the railing and down the stairwell, instead:

Clara embraces Allie. Allie later tells the police Menzies stumbled and fell. Then the nurse wonders if Clara will decide to kill her?

[Jeff Guenther]

What I learned is (1) sometimes you already have enough misdirection (2) a little too much courts disaster if you confuse any readers. (3) it may be safer to finalize misdirecction on a later pass.

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map, Revised for Misdirection

Legend, Clue Category Tags:

What is causing the bizarre phenomena? Bizarre phenomena cause = “BPC”
Why is the hospital losing so much money? Losing money because = “LMB”
How did 4 people die or disappear? Death Clues = “DC”
How are conversations being overheard? Listening in Clues = “LIC”

Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

a) MIS: Allie’s boyfriend is broke, unemployed.

Allie fears unemployment

a) MIS: They need money for illegit daughter [her secret could be revealed.]

a) MIS: Allie considers job she doesn’t want for the money

a) M/I/S: Allie is looking for work at Burgerpalooza

CURRENT DIRECTION: Taking the job at Burgerpalooza

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Allie hears of job opening.

a) REVEAL: Allie’s new job lead is in an old hospital

TRUST: Feeney (CEO) is polite and friendly to Allie.

d) M/I/S: CEO sells her on the job, her boss

b) REVEAL: Allie is a nurse

d) REVEAL: Desperate, Allie takes job at Hospital.

c) REVEAL: Hospital has a bad rep

d) REVEAL: Allie’s boss is the head nun, Sr. Polygrippa

TRUST: Polygrippa’s a nun; you can trust nuns, right?

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

* Other elevators are very slow, jiggle as they rise COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Thinks Hospital job is safe.

e) M/I/S: Hospital has a lot of “charity cases” MISDIRECT

e) MIS: “charity cases” = indigents

e) MIS: indigents = alcoholics/druggies

e) REVEAL: TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Indigent patients may attack her [physical danger]

f) M/I/S: Young patient, Clara, is admitted [VILLAIN’S PLAN: ATTACK THE HOSPITAL]

f) h) MIS: Clara needs a tonsillectomy MISDIRECT

BPC Patient Clara is pre-adolescent, a little young for a poltergeist COVE

TRUST: Clara is a patient, therefore to be assisted

f) MIS: Mysterious fires in rooms, starting with a financial office

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

BPC The first fire burnt critical records, = not BPC. COVE/OVE

f) MIS: Paranormal phenomena happen MISDIRECT

BPC Often happen in empty rooms. OVE

All BPC happen after patient X admitted. COVE

TRUST: Menzies fools Allie by showing concern about Clara MISDIRECT

BPC Happen near Patient Clara’s room. OVE

f) MIS: Phenomena get closer to girl

f) MIS: Allie moves the girl to protect her

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s off the indigent ward.

TRUST: Sr. Polygrippa seems competent.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Strange phenomena [the unknown] in paying patient ward.

f) MIS: Janitor says one wing was haunted previously MISDIRECT

* Janitor says he doesn’t have keys to everything OVERT

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

LMB the phenomena are scaring away paying patients COVE/OVE MISDIRECT

Allie fears for the young patient [danger to someone they know]

Allie promises (mother or nun) to protect the patient

j) M/I/S: Clara’s mother is a nuisance MISDIRECT

f) M/I/S: Wing is sealed off as haunted.

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie only has one patient.

TRUST: Clara is cute and responsive, nice to Allie MISDIRECT

LMB the indigent:wealthy ratio is getting bigger. COVE/OVE

j) MIS: Clara’s mother tells stories

TRUST/SYMPATHY: Menzies plays the victim, being patient with his alcoholic wife.

g) M/I/S: Menzies is girl’s stepfather

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie sees escalating phenomena, definitely supernatural

The eldritch janitor [RH?] scares her [stalked]. MISDIRECT

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s job is safe.

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Her secret comes out. MISDIRECT

CURRENT DIRECTION: The Hospital is a safe place.

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

TWIST: 8. A mistake haunts them. Janitor: hospital haunted a long time ago, plastered up

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

i) M/I/S: DISTRUST:’s creepy, tells Allie scary stories.

i) MIS: Janitor scares Allie.

g) MIS: DISTRUST: VILLAIN / Clara’s father, Menzies, disappears.

DC Must search the building. OVE

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE or MISDIRECT, say they were seen

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

DC Personal effects left behind. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The hospital is fully staffed

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1

Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc.

LMB Salaries have been raised to get nurses to work there. OVE

Most BPC occur on 4th floor, Old Wing OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The phenomena seem to abate. MISDIRECT

TWIST: 14. The “solution” makes things worse. Doesn’t work

LMB CEO salary goes up along with nurse salary by contract. COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa tries more things.

h) MIS: Allie tries to not assist during the operation

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie assigned to protect Clara, stay with her.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

h) MIS: Polygrippa insists she can do it, per her resume.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie will assist in the O.R.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie fears infections from sharp medical instruments.

Clara is operated on. Phenomena start.

h) MIS: Allie starts to shake during the procedure

CURRENT DIRECTION: Operation is smoothly under way.

h) MIS: one (all?) of the sharps levitate(s).

h) REVEAL: Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments.

TWIST: 2. Lost their resources. Shortage of O.R. materiel found VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

LMB Hidden construction is siphoning off sinking funds COVE

Sr. Polygrippa explains construction noises as “remolition.”

MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]

They move Clara to another room.

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

TRUST: Clara thanks Allie a lot.

j) MIS: Clara’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

DC She was last seen in a room(s) COVE

DISTRUST: Clara’s mother is found dead. MISDIRECT

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

j) REVEAL: Clara’s mother was alcoholic; Mother’s autopsy says she died from excess alcohol

Allie wonders where Mother got the alcohol.

LMB Unknown supplies purchases COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: They decide to shut down two floors. With paying patients.

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Exorcist is found.

f) MIS: TRUST: Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa

Exorcist scares Allie with stories [talking about the danger]

LMB Insurance costs are up after indigents attack nurses. COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Restaffing begins. Exorcism starts.

k) MIS: information is leaking from meetings MISDIRECT

LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Calling in exorcist leaked to newspaper,

CURRENT DIRECTION: Staff is up to previous level.

TWIST: 6. New consequences: Patients leave re newspaper VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

Phenomena traced to proximity of Clara (next door, floor above, etc.)

DISTRUST: Phenomena center around Clara’s room

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE

i) REVEAL: The Janitor is an ally, knows the hospital well

DC Janitor knew a lot, maybe too much. COVE

They shut down nearby rooms, move Clara.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Outbreak of phenomena is contained.

f) MIS: Exorcist gets his gear together.

f) REVEAL: TWIST: 10. unexpected side of someone. Exorcist ID’s Clara as poltergeist. Panic.

DISTRUST: Menzies hadn’t told Allie Clara was a poltergeist.

CURRENT DIRECTION: He prepares to exorcise Clara.

TWIST: 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen. Exorcist killed mysteriously.

LMB Donations have dropped off. COVE

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

k) REVEAL: The rooms have an antique speaker tube system. Listening and gas injection

LIC Different people there each time. OVE

Reel 5. Allie retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?

Allie begins to investigate the rooms.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie finds something strange about the room.

LIC Allie or b.f. inspects room panels & finds more tube covers. OVE

Other nurse can’t identify tubes.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. DISTRUST: Sr. Polygrippa orders Allie to stop snooping [demand to stop investigating.]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie investigates basement, MISDIRECT

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie Finds notes in her locker [threats]TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

DISTRUST: Nurse shows the threatening notes to her & gets bawled out

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie talks to Janitor, who knows stuff about the old wing.

Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE

TWIST: 4. A new problem. Janitor dies in storm; put in cold storage until police can arrive

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

Allie could fear what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.

Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job

Allie meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other peers

TRUST: Polygrippa meets with nurse and promise action will be taken

CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa agrees to fix something

l) M/I/S: Reference to $MM operating budget

l) M/I/S: References to $MM sinking funds

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]

LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: They requisition the repairs. DISTRUST: Feeney refuses Allie funds

TWIST: 5. A lie uncovered. Requisition denied. Repair $$ not available VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

l) REVEAL: The hospital is being drained of cash

m) REVEAL: The hospital is almost bankrupt.

Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara will be discharged soon.

TWIST: 9. A trust violated. Co-worker reports Allie [someone near them.] Allie is punished.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa donates her own $$ funds to order repairs, arranges to meet Allie.

TRUST: Polygrippa donates money

DISTRUST: Polygrippa doesn’t show up as she said she would.

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE

TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. Polygrippa disappears VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

Allie searches for Sister Polygrippa.

DC Personal effects left behind. OVE

DC Last seen on 4^th floor, old wing. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The funds are secured; they need Polygrippa’s signature.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while looking for Sister

Allie escapes but finds why there’s no money–unneeded supplies etc., are being bought.

TRUST: Allie finds Feeney doesn’t have the funds

Allie informs the CEO.

o) M/I/S: Management learns personal info re Allie

CURRENT DIRECTION: CEO calls in the auditors.

o) REVEAL: Co-worker is a spy. MISDIRECT

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Allie threatened with firing.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie looks for the books to give to the auditors.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the cold storage room.

TWIST: 13. The worst thing possible happens. Allie finds Polygrippa in cold storage;

DC No known common cause. COVE

Polygrippa has records in her Bank of Ireland.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.

n) M/I/S: Indigent to paying patients is increasing

TRUST: Nurse finds Sr. P stole the papers that incriminate CEO

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie gets evidence together and starts out of cold storage

v) M/I/S: She sees Janitor’s body, covered by a sheet.

v) REVEAL: Janitor’s body has been replaced by an anatomical skeleton.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie is locked in cold storage room

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

Allie uncovers speaking tube in cold storage room, calls for help.

w) MIS: She brings someone back to the cold room to show them.

w) REVEAL: They now find body, sans organs

x) MIS: They backtrack the body to the sealed off wing.

CLUE: Laundry cart left there OVE

Polygrippa’s evidence shows funds were spent for unbudgeted items VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

n) REVEAL: Allie finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents VILLAIN’S PLAN 4

n) MIS: paying patients are being driven away by rumors

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie plans to call the police.

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

x) REVEAL: Organ harvesting surgery has been put in that wing

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie finds organ harvesting. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

y) REVEAL: She might be next. Allie fears she might be next.

DISTRUST: Menzies stalks Allie at the end

g) REVEAL: Menzies is the Villain, trying to get control of the hospital

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs away from the transplant surgery wing.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. The head of the Hospital sees her.

DISTRUST: maybe Allie discovers Feeney’s in league with Mr. Menzies

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the basement.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. 12. Secret ID uncovered. Menzies chases, tries to kill her.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs to the top floor.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Poltergeist appears in front of her, grinning fiendishly.

DISTRUST: Allie sees Clara in possessed state. (Yeah, that’ll do it!)

Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father, tells her to kill Allie

DISTRUST: Menzies sics Clara on Allie in her possessed state

CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched.

TWIST: 3. Someone changes sides. Clara turns, pushes her father down stairwell

TRUST: Clara kills Menzies using her poltergeist powers.

Clara embraces Allie. Allie tells the police Menzies stumbled and fell.

DISTRUST: What if Clara decides to kill Allie? Allie wonders.

END

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Engaging Clue Trails

What I learned is the combined Map and Clue Trails can be extremely complex. Keep it simple. Revisions to a properly done thriller script are going to be full of new opportunities to entertain and to screw up.

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map, Revised

Clue Category Tags:

What is causing the bizarre phenomena? Bizarre phenomena cause = “BPC”
Why is the hospital losing so much money? Losing money because = “LMB”
How did 4 people die or disappear? Death Clues = “DC”
How are conversations being overheard? Listening in Clues = “LIC”

Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

a) MIS: Allie’s boyfriend is broke, unemployed.

Allie fears unemployment

a) MIS: They need money for illegit daughter [her secret could be revealed.]

a) MIS: Allie considers job she doesn’t want for the money

a) M/I/S: Allie is looking for work at Burgerpalooza

CURRENT DIRECTION: Taking the job at Burgerpalooza

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Allie hears of job opening.

a) REVEAL: Allie’s new job lead is in an old hospital

TRUST: Feeney’s polite and friendly to Allie.

d) M/I/S: CEO sells her on the job, her boss

b) REVEAL: Allie is a nurse

d) REVEAL: Desperate, Allie takes job at Hospital.

c) REVEAL: Hospital has a bad rep

d) REVEAL: Allie’s boss is the head nun, Sr. Polygrippa

TRUST: Polygrippa’s a nun; you can trust nuns, right?

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Thinks Hospital job is safe.

e) M/I/S: Hospital has a lot of “charity cases”

e) MIS: “charity cases” = indigents

e) MIS: indigents = alcoholics/druggies

e) REVEAL: TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Indigent patients may attack her [physical danger]

f) M/I/S: Young patient, Clara, is admitted [VILLAIN’S PLAN: ATTACK THE HOSPITAL]

f) h) MIS: Clara needs a tonsillectomy

BPC Patient Clara is pre-adolescent, a little young for a poltergeist COVE

TRUST: Clara is a patient, therefore to be assisted

f) MIS: Mysterious fires in rooms

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

BPC The first fire burnt critical records, = not BPC. COVE/OVE

f) MIS: Paranormal phenomena happen

BPC Often happen in empty rooms. OVE

All BPC happen after patient X admitted. COVE

TRUST: Menzies fools Allie by showing concern about Clara

BPC Happen near Patient Clara’s room. OVE

f) MIS: Phenomena get closer to girl

f) MIS: Allie moves the girl to protect her

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s off the indigent ward.

TRUST: Sr. Polygrippa seems competent.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Strange phenomena [the unknown] in paying patient ward.

f) MIS: Janitor says one wing was haunted previously

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

LMB the phenomena are scaring away paying patients COVE/OVE

Allie fears for the young patient [danger to someone they know]

Allie promises (mother or nun) to protect the patient

j) M/I/S: Clara’s mother is a nuisance

f) M/I/S: Wing is sealed off as haunted.

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie only has one patient.

TRUST: Clara is cute and responsive, nice to Allie

LMB the indigent:wealthy ratio is getting bigger. COVE/OVE

j) MIS: Clara’s mother tells stories

TRUST/SYMPATHY: Menzies plays the victim, being patient with his alcoholic wife.

g) M/I/S: Menzies is girl’s stepfather

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie sees escalating phenomena, definitely supernatural

The eldritch janitor [RH?] scares her [stalked].

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s job is safe.

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Her secret comes out.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The Hospital is a safe place.

DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE

TWIST: 8. A mistake haunts them. Janitor: hospital haunted a long time ago, plastered up

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

i) M/I/S: DISTRUST:’s creepy, tells Allie scary stories.

i) MIS: Janitor scares Allie.

g) MIS: DISTRUST: VILLAIN / Clara’s father, Menzies, disappears.

DC Must search the building. OVE

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

DC Personal effects left behind. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The hospital is fully staffed

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1

Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc.

LMB Salaries have been raised to get nurses to work there. OVE

Most BPC occur on 4^th floor, Old Wing OVE

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The phenomena seem to abate.

TWIST: 14. The “solution” makes things worse. Doesn’t work

LMB CEO salary goes up along with nurse salary by contract. COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa tries more things.

h) MIS: Allie tries to not assist during the operation

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie assigned to protect Clara, stay with her.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

h) MIS: Polygrippa insists she can do it, per her resume.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie will assist in the O.R.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie fears infections from sharp medical instruments.

Clara is operated on. Phenomena start.

h) MIS: Allie starts to shake during the procedure

CURRENT DIRECTION: Operation is smoothly under way.

h) MIS: one (all?) of the sharps levitate(s).

h) REVEAL: Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments.

TWIST: 2. Lost their resources. Shortage of O.R. materiel found VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

LMB Hidden construction is siphoning off sinking funds COVE

MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]

They move Clara to another room.

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

TRUST: Clara thanks Allie a lot.

j) MIS: Clara’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

DISTRUST: Clara’s mother is found dead.

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

j) REVEAL: Clara’s mother was alcoholic; Mother’s autopsy says she died from excess alcohol

Allie wonders where Mother got the alcohol.

LMB Unknown supplies purchases COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: They decide to shut down two floors.

DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Exorcist is found.

f) MIS: TRUST: Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa

Exorcist scares Allie with stories [talking about the danger]

LMB Insurance costs are up after indigents attack nurses. COVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: Restaffing begins. Exorcism starts.

k) MIS: information is leaking from meetings

LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Calling in exorcist leaked to newspaper,

CURRENT DIRECTION: Staff is up to previous level.

TWIST: 6. New consequences: Patients leave re newspaper VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

Phenomena traced to proximity of Clara (next door, floor above, etc.)

DISTRUST: Phenomena center around Clara’s room

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE</font></font></font>

i) REVEAL: The Janitor is an ally, knows the hospital well

DC Janitor knew a lot, maybe too much. COVE

They shut down nearby rooms, move Clara.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Outbreak of phenomena is contained.

f) MIS: Exorcist does his shtick

f) REVEAL: TWIST: 10. unexpected side of someone. Exorcist ID’s Clara as poltergeist. Panic.

DISTRUST: Menzies hadn’t told Allie Clara was a poltergeist

CURRENT DIRECTION: He prepares to exorcise Clara.

TWIST: 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen. Exorcist killed mysteriously.

LMB Donations have dropped off. COVE

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

k) REVEAL: The rooms have an antique speaker tube system. Listening and gas injection

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>LIC Different people there each time. OVE</font></font></font>

Reel 5. Allie retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?

Allie begins to investigate the rooms.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie finds something strange about the room.

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>LIC Allie or b.f. inspects room panels & finds tube covers. OVE</font></font></font>

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. DISTRUST: Sr. Polygrippa orders Allie to stop snooping [demand to stop investigating.]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie investigates basement,

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie Finds notes in her locker [threats]TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

DISTRUST: Nurse shows the threatening notes to her & gets bawled out

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie talks to Janitor, who knows stuff about the old wing.

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE</font></font></font>

TWIST: 4. A new problem. Janitor dies in storm; put in cold storage until police can arrive

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

Allie could fear what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.

Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job

Allie meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other peers

TRUST: Polygrippa meets with nurse and promise action will be taken

CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa agrees to fix something

l) M/I/S: Reference to $MM operating budget

l) M/I/S: References to $MM sinking funds

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]

LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: They requisition the repairs. DISTRUST: Feeney refuses Allie funds

TWIST: 5. A lie uncovered. Requisition denied. Repair $$ not available VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

l) REVEAL: The hospital is being drained of cash

m) REVEAL: The hospital is almost bankrupt.

Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara will be discharged soon.

TWIST: 9. A trust violated. Co-worker reports Allie [someone near them.] Allie is punished.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa donates her own $$ funds to order repairs, arranges to meet Allie.

TRUST: Polygrippa donates money

DISTRUST: Polygrippa doesn’t show up as she said she would.

DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE

DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE

TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. Polygrippa disappears VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

Allie searches for Sister Polygrippa.

DC Personal effects left behind. OVE

DC Last seen on 4^th floor, old wing. OVE

CURRENT DIRECTION: The funds are secured; they need Polygrippa’s signature.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while looking for Sister

Allie escapes but finds why there’s no money–unneeded supplies etc., are being bought.

TRUST: Allie finds Feeney doesn’t have the funds

Allie informs the CFO.

o) M/I/S: Management learns personal info re Allie

CURRENT DIRECTION: CFO calls in the auditors.

o) REVEAL: Co-worker is a spy.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Allie threatened with firing.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie looks for the books to give to the auditors.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the cold storage room.

TWIST: 13. The worst thing possible happens. Allie finds Polygrippa in cold storage;

DC No known common cause. COVE

Polygrippa has records in her Bank of Ireland.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.

n) M/I/S: Indigent to paying patients is increasing

TRUST: Nurse finds Sr. P stole the papers that incriminate CEO

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie gets evidence together and starts out of cold storage

v) M/I/S: She sees Janitor’s body, covered by a sheet.

v) REVEAL: Janitor’s body has been replaced by an anatomical skeleton.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie is locked in cold storage room

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

Allie uncovers speaking tube in cold storage room, calls for help.

w) MIS: She brings someone back to the cold room to show them.

w) REVEAL: They now find body, sans organs

x) MIS: They backtrack the body to the sealed off wing.

CLUE: Laundry cart left there OVE

Polygrippa’s evidence shows funds were spent for unbudgeted items VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

n) REVEAL: Allie finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents VILLAIN’S PLAN 4

n) MIS: paying patients are being driven away by rumors

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie plans to call the police.

DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE

x) REVEAL: Organ harvesting surgery has been put in that wing

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie finds organ harvesting. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

y) REVEAL: She might be next. Allie fears she might be next.

DISTRUST: Menzies stalks Allie at the end

g) REVEAL: Menzies is the Villain, trying to get control of the hospital

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs away from the transplant surgery wing.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. The head of the Hospital sees her.

DISTRUST: maybe Allie discovers Feeney’s in league with Mr. Menzies

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the basement.

TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. 12. Secret ID uncovered. Menzies chases, tries to kill her.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs to the top floor.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Poltergeist appears in front of her, grinning fiendishly.

DISTRUST: Allie sees Clara in possessed state. (Yeah, that’ll do it!)

Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father, tells her to kill Allie

DISTRUST: Menzies sics Clara on Allie in her possessed state

CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched.

TWIST: 3. Someone changes sides. Clara turns, pushes Father down stairwell

TRUST: Clara kills Menzies

Clara embraces Allie. Allie tells the police Menzies stumbled and fell.

DISTRUST: What if Clara decides to kill Allie? Allie wonders.

[Jeff Guenther]

J Guenther’s Dramatic Reveals. more or less in order, omitting all but one or two M/I/S elements.

a) REVEAL: After looking for a job at BurgerPalooza, we see Allie’s new job is in a decrepit hospital.

b) REVEAL: Tilting upward from Allie’s bare feet on the rainy sidewalk, we see she is in a nurse’s uniform, carrying her cheap sensible shoes in her hand. Why was an RN looking at burger jobs?

c) REVEAL: A chance conversation on the street reveals that Hospital has a bad rep. Why would she even consider it?

d) REVEAL: She accepts the job–they need money, she has no car, it’s close to home and she’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital. How did that happen? we wonder.

d) REVEAL: Allie’s new boss is revealed (jump scare?) as the head nun, Sr. Polygrippa, a daunting woman of 6′-6″.

e) REVEAL: We observe that many patients are Indigents and frequently attack the nurses. Allie mistakes an on-duty injured nurse for a patient.

f) REVEAL: The new 10-year old patient, Clara Menzies, is a poltergeist, as revealed by her Jedi … er, occult tricks.

g) REVEAL: Mr. Menzies is shown as the Villain, trying to take over the hospital, when he stalks Allie near the end and orders Clara to kill her.

h) REVEAL: A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments after an incident at her previous hospital. This is why she doesn’t work there anymore and why she doesn’t want to serve as Clara’s anesthetist. (“Better give ‘er a double dose, Allie,” the surgeon says.

i) REVEAL: The spooky Janitor, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, is an ally, knows the hospital better than anyone else. He has a slide rule and all the plans on his workshop walls.

j) REVEAL: Clara’s mother is an alcoholic, so her death with a bottle in her hand was not murder. Or was it? The empty bottle is an antique quart of “Old Nogginthrob.”

k) REVEAL: The rooms in the old wing have an antique speaker tube system. They are used for listening in one direction and injection of asphyxiant gas in the other. We see ears listening, Act 1. We see tendrils of poison gas flowing out into the room, Act 3. We hear ghastly shrieks emanating from the tubes, Act 4.

l) REVEAL: The hospital is being drained of cash in order to drive it into bankruptcy. We see Allie or Sr. Polygrippa discover this when they open the ledger.

m) REVEAL: “The hospital is almost bankrupt,” groans Polygrippa.

n) REVEAL: Allie interviews the EMTs and one admits they are being bribed to bring indigents to hospital, “$50 a pop.”

o) REVEAL: Co-worker sneaks up on Allie and listens to her phone calls.

v) REVEAL: Allie whips back the sheet to check on Janitor’s body. It has been replaced by an anatomical skeleton.

w) MIS: Allie brings someone back to the cold room to show them the skeleton.

w) REVEAL: Again the sheet is jerked away, revealing the Janitor’s body, sans organs.

x) MIS: They explore the ultra spooky sealed off wing.

x) REVEAL: They open a door, and discover an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs being put into picnic coolers or dewars.

y) REVEAL: A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5.

z) REVEAL: Clara has changed sides. The exorcism worked, so when her father orders her to kill Allie, she uses her poltergeist powers to shove him down the stairwell, instead: “YEEE AAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOOOIE!”

What I learned: Reveals are the most powerful elements of a thriller.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Trust & Distrust

What I Learned: Trust and Distrust add yet another layer of thriller points, should probably be used lightly, not just for the sake of a twist, but when logical, maybe foreshadowed, thematic, in character, or totally unexpected, similar to other twists. This involves a ton of work.

1. list of main characters.

Hero: Nurse Allie:

Villain: Mr. Menzies, Father of Patient, initially trusted

Red Herring Character: Janitor Ralph “Red” Harrington

Isn’t trusted, but should be: Sr Polygrippa

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: M. Feeney, CEO.

Trusted by some until they see her while possessed. Clara, the poltergeist

2. nature of each character.

Nurse Allie:

A. basic nature? trustable

B. how might they be trustable but not appear so? phobia of sharp items might lessen confidence in her.

C. What might cause them to switch from one to the other? Operating Room stress might increase her fear.

Mr. Menzies: Clara’s father

A. basic nature? Untrustable

B. how might they be not trustable but appear so? pretends to be a loving father, but isn’t.

C. What might cause them to switch from one to the other? Hell freezing over.

Janitor Ralph “Red” Harrington:

A. basic nature? trustable

B. how might they be trustable but not appear so? Scary dude, a loner, likes to tell bizarre tales.

C. What might switch them from one to the other? Being put on the spot, have to leave his basement.

Sr. Polygrippa

A. basic nature? trustable

B. how might they be trustable but not appear so? Very religious, judgmental.

C. What might switch them from one to the other? Nothing

M. Feeney, CEO.

A. basic nature? trustable

B. how might they be trustable but not appear so? pinch-penny attitude.

C. What might switch them from one to the other? Loss of financial control.

Clara (Poltergeist)

A. basic nature? can be trusted as far as you can toss a live bull up a silo

B. how might they be not trustable but appear so? she’s young and cute and responsive

C. What might switch them from one to the other? Adolescence, experience, exorcism

3. Revised Map, w. Trust/Distrust Items

Reel 1. Setup: the Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

Boyfriend is iffy [relationship could end.]

Allie fears unemployment

Allie has a daughter [her secret could be revealed.]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Taking the job at Burgerpalooza

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 7. New options emerge. </font>Allie hears of job at Hospital

Desperate, Allie takes job at Hospital with bad rep.TRUST: Feeney’s polite and friendly to Allie.

TRUST: Polygrippa’s a nun; you can trust nuns, right?

CURRENT DIRECTION: Thinks Hospital job is safe.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Indigent patients may attack her [physical danger]

Young Clara is admitted for tonsillitis. VILLAIN’S PLAN TO ATTACK THE HOSPITAL

TRUST: Clara is a patient, therefore to be assisted

TRUST: Menzies fools Allie by showing concern about Clara

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s off the indigent ward.

<font color=”#800000″>TRUST: Sr. Polygrippa seems competent.</font>

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Strange phenomena begin [the unknown] in the paying patient ward.

Allie fears for the young patient [danger to someone they know]

Allie promises (mother or nun) to protect the patient

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie only has one patient.

TRUST: Clara is cute and responsive, nice to Allie

TRUST/SYMPATHY: Menzies plays the victim, being patient with his alcoholic wife.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Escalating phenomena, observed by Allie, definitely supernatural

The eldritch janitor [RH?] scares her [stalked].

CURRENT DIRECTION: Her job is safe.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. </font>Her secret comes out.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The Hospital is a safe place.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 8. A mistake returns to haunt them. </font>Janitor: hospital haunted a long time ago, plastered up

DISTRUST: Janitor’s creepy, tells Allie scary stories.

DISTRUST: VILLAIN / Clara’s father, Menzies, disappears.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The hospital is fully staffed

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font>Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1

Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The phenomena seem to abate.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 14. The “solution” makes things worse. </font>Doesn’t work

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa tries more things.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie assigned to protect Clara, stay with her.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie will assist in the O.R.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie fears infections from sharp medical instruments.

Clara is operated on. Phenomena start.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Operation is smoothly under way.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 2. Lost their resources. </font>Shortage of O.R. materiel found VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]

They move Clara to another room.

TRUST: Clara thanks Allie a lot.

Clara’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

DISTRUST: Clara’s mother is found dead.

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

Mother’s autopsy reveals she died from excess alcohol

Allie wonders where Mother got the alcohol.

CURRENT DIRECTION: They decide to shut down two floors.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 7. New options emerge. </font>Exorcist is found.

TRUST: Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa

Exorcist scares Allie with stories [talking about the danger]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Restaffing begins. Exorcism starts.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. </font>Calling in exorcist leaked to newspaper,

CURRENT DIRECTION: Staff is up to previous level.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font>Patients leave re newspaper VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

Phenomena traced to proximity of Clara (next door, floor above, etc.)

DISTRUST: Phenomena center around Clara’s room

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

They shut down those rooms, move Clara.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Outbreak of phenomena is contained.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 10. We see unexpected side of someone. </font>Exorcist ID’s Clara as poltergeist. Panic.

DISTRUST: Menzies hadn’t told Allie Clara was a poltergeist

CURRENT DIRECTION: He prepares to exorcise Clara.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen. </font>Exorcist killed mysteriously.

TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

Reel 5. Allie retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?

Allie begins to investigate the rooms.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie finds something strange about the room.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font><font color=”#800000″>DISTRUST: </font>Sr. Polygrippa orders Allie to stop snooping [demand to stop investigating.]

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie investigates basement,

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie Finds notes in her locker [threats]TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)

DISTRUST: Nurse shows the threatening notes to her & gets bawled out

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie talks to Janitor, who knows stuff about the old wing.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. </font>Janitor dies during storm; is put in cold storage until police can get there

Allie could fear what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.

Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job

Allie meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other peers

TRUST: Polygrippa meets with nurse and promise action will be taken

CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa agrees to fix something

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font>Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]

CURRENT DIRECTION: They requisition the repairs. <font color=”#800000″>DISTRUST: </font><font color=”#800000″>Feeney</font><font color=”#800000″> refuses Allie funds </font>

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 5. A lie uncovered. </font>Requisition denied. Money needed for repairs is not available VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

Reel 6. New plan, Allie prepared to change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Clara will be discharged soon.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. </font>Co-worker reports Allie[someone covert near them.] Allie is punished.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Polygrippa donates personal funds to order repairs, arranges to meet Allie.

TRUST: Polygrippa donates money

DISTRUST: Polygrippa doesn’t show up as she said she would.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. </font>Polygrippa is missing VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

Allie searches for Sister Polygrippa.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>The funds are secured; they need Polygrippa’s signature.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie’s attacked while looking for Sister

Allie escapes but finds why there’s no money unneeded supplies and facilities are being bought.

TRUST: Allie finds Feeney doesn’t have the funds

Allie informs the CFO.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>CFO calls in the auditors.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font>Allie threatened with firing.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie looks for the books to give to the auditors.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie hides in the cold storage room.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 13. The worst thing possible happens. </font>Allie finds Polygrippa in cold storage;

Polygrippa has records in her apron.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.

Allie finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.

<font color=”#800000″>TRUST: Nurse finds Sr. P stole the papers that incriminate X</font>

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie gets evidence together and starts out of cold storage, but

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. </font>Janitor’s body is missing, replaced w. anat. skeleton

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Allie is locked in cold storage room

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

Allie uncovers speaking tube in cold storage room, calls for help.

Polygrippa’s evidence shows funds were spent for unnecessary expenditures VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

Allie finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents VILLAIN’S PLAN 4

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie plans to call the police.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie finds o</font>rgan harvesting has begun. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

Allie fears she might be next.

DISTRUST: Menzies stalks Allie at the end

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie runs away from the transplant surgery wing.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>The head of the Hospital sees her.

DISTRUST: maybe Allie discovers Feeney’s in league with Mr. Menzies

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie hides in the basement.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. 12. Secret identity uncovered. </font>Menzies chases, tries to kill her.

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Allie runs to the top floor.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. </font>Poltergeist appears in front of her, grinning fiendishly.

DISTRUST: Allie sees Clara in possessed state. (Yeah, that’ll do it!)

Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father, tells her to kill Allie

<font color=”#800000″>DISTRUST: Menzies sics Clara on Allie in her possessed state</font>

<font color=”#800000″>CURRENT DIRECTION: </font>Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched.

<font color=”#800000″>TWIST: 3. Someone changes sides. </font>Clara swivels, pushes Father down stairwell, from 10 feet away.

TRUST: Clara kills Menzies

Clara embraces Allie. Allie tells the police Menzies stumbled and fell.

DISTRUST: What if Clara decides to kill Allie? Allie wonders.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Twists and Turns

What I Learned: Twists and turns are very effective, especially if they are not just for the sake of a twist, but are logical, previously foreshadowed, thematic, in character, or unexpected. The map if very tentative, may be overcooked at this point.

Reel 1. Setup: the Hero’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

Boyfriend is iffy [relationship could end] and he’s unemployed.

MC, a nurse, has no job, fears being broke.

She has a daughter out of wedlock [her secret could be revealed.]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Taking a job at Burgerpalooza

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. She hears of job at St. Julian’s Hospital, which has a bad rep.

Desperate, MC takes job at Hospital for the pay, starts work.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Thinks Hospital job is safe.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Indigent patients often attack staff [physical danger]

Young girl is admitted for tonsillitis. VILLAIN’S PLAN TO ATTACK THE HOSPITAL

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC is off the indigent ward and safer.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Strange phenomena begin [the unknown] on a paying patient floor.

MC fears for the young patient who is on the floor below [danger to someone they know]

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC has only has a few patients besides the girl, no indigents.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Escalating phenomena, observed by MC, definitely supernatural

The eldritch janitor [Mr. Red Herring?] scares her [stalked].

CURRENT DIRECTION: Her job is safe.

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Her secret comes out and she may lose her job.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The paying floors seem safe.

TWIST: 8. A mistake returns to haunt them. Janitor says that floor was haunted a long time ago.

The girl’s father (he’s the villain) disappears.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The hospital is fully staffed

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1

Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc., to try to stop the phenomena

CURRENT DIRECTION: The phenomena seem to abate.

TWIST: 14. The “solution” makes things worse. Doesn’t work, causes worse problems.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

CURRENT DIRECTION: They’re short an anesthetist, so MC will assist in the O.R.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. MC has phobia infections from sharp medical instruments.

Girl is operated on.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Operation is smoothly under way.

TWIST: 2. Lost their resources. O.R. lights fail VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]

They use emergency lights and move the girl to another room.

Girl’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

CURRENT DIRECTION: They decide to shut down two floors.

TWIST: 7. New options emerge. An exorcist is found, Fr. Wilbur Dean.

Mother’s autopsy reveals she died from excess alcohol

MC wonders where Mother got the alcohol.

Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa

Exorcist scares MC with stories [talking about the danger]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Restaffing begins. Exorcism starts.

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Calling in the exorcist is leaked to newspaper,

CURRENT DIRECTION: Staff is up to previous level.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Patients leave re newspaper VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

The phenomena are traced to proximity of girl (next door, floor above, etc.)

They shut down all those rooms, move the girl near the chapel.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Outbreak of phenomena is contained in now vacant rooms.

TWIST: 10. We see an unexpected side of someone. The Exorcist ID’s the girl as a poltergeist. All hell breaks loose.

CURRENT DIRECTION: He prepares to exorcise the girl.

TWIST: 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen. Exorcist is killed mysteriously.

Reel 5. Hero retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?

MC begins to investigate the rooms.

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC finds something strange about the room, openings in the wall that don’t seem to go anywhere.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Sr. Polygrippa orders MC to stop snooping in the rooms. [demand to stop investigating.]

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC investigates basement.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. MC Finds awful notes in her locker [threats]

She reports the notes to Sr. Polygrippa, gets bawled out.

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC talks to Janitor, who says he knows secrets about the old wing.

TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. Janitor dies during storm; is put in cold storage until police can get there.

She fears what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.

She gets mad, decides to face her fears and continue to investigate, even if she loses her job

She meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other staff.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa agrees to fix something associated with the old wing.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Someone overhears their conversation [surveillance]

CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa requisitions the repair work.

TWIST: 5. A lie is uncovered. The requisition is denied. Money needed for repairs is gone. VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

Reel 6. New plan, hero prepared to change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

CURRENT DIRECTION: Girl will be discharged soon.

TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Co-worker reports MC snooping to the hospital manager [someone covert near them.] and she is punished.

CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa donates personal funds to order repairs.

TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. Polygrippa is missing VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

MC searches for Sister Polygrippa.

CURRENT DIRECTION: The funds are secured; but Polygrippa’s signature is needed.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. MC is attacked while looking for Sister in the records room

She escapes but found there’s no money because unneeded supplies and facilities are being bought. She informs the CFO.

CURRENT DIRECTION: CFO calls in the auditors.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. MC is threatened with being fired.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC looks for the books to give to the auditors.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. MC’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC hides in the cold storage room.

TWIST: 13. The worst thing possible happens. MC finds Polygrippa in cold storage on a slab next to the janitor, who is covered with a blanket.

Polygrippa has records in her apron.

MC finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.

MC finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.

CURRENT DIRECTION: MC grabs evidence and starts out of cold storage, but she stops to cover the janitor better.

TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Janitor’s body is missing, replaced w. anat. skeleton

CURRENT DIRECTION: She tries the door to go meet with the auditors.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. She is locked in cold storage room

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

MC discovers a speaking tube in the cold storage room, calls for help.

Polygrippa’s evidence shows funds were spent for unnecessary expenditures VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

MC finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents VILLAIN’S PLAN 4

CURRENT DIRECTION: She goes to the office to call the police.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. On the way, MC finds organ harvesting has begun. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

She fears she might be next.

CURRENT DIRECTION: She runs away from the transplant surgery wing.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. The head of the Hospital sees her.

CURRENT DIRECTION: She hides in an old wing.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. 12. Secret identity uncovered. Villain chases her, tries to kill her.

CURRENT DIRECTION: She runs to the top floor.

TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Poltergeist appears in front of her, grinning fiendishly.

Villain reminds girl he’s her father, tells her to kill MC

CURRENT DIRECTION: Girl approaches MC, arms outstretched.

TWIST: 3. Someone changes sides. Girl swivels, pushes Father down stairwell from 10 feet away.

Girl embraces MC. MC tells the police Villain stumbled and fell.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Plot

What I learned: The Life Threatening Sequence needs to be hung on some standard plot structure, like ornaments on a Christmas tree. This involves a LOT of work and rework. I used the MiniMovie Method, since that’s what I used in a previous ScreewritingU course (AW). It may be overly complex for a thriller. This will need some addressing with 3×5 cards to arrive at optimum order. I may want to try a simpler structure.

Reel 1. Setup: the Hero’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.

Boyfriend is iffy [relationship could end.]

She fears unemployment

She has a daughter [her secret could be revealed.]

Desperate, MC takes job at Hospital with bad rep.

Indigent patients may attack her [physical danger]

Young girl is admitted for tonsillitis. VILLAIN’S PLAN TO ATTACK THE HOSPITAL

Supernatural phenomena begin [the unknown] they don’t recognize it’s supernatural.

MC fears for the young patient [danger to someone they know]

She promises (mother or nun) to protect the patient

Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).

Escalating phenomena, observed by MC, definitely supernatural

The eldritch janitor [RH?] scares her [stalked]. History of hospital.

Janitor says the hospital was haunted a long time ago.

VILLAIN = Girl’s father disappears.

Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1

Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc.

MC assigned to protect the girl, stay with her.

Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.

MC fears infections from sharp medical instruments.

Girl is operated on.

MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]

They move the girl to another room.

Girl’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)

Mother’s autopsy reveals she died from excess alcohol

MC wonders where Mother got the alcohol.

Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa

Exorcist scares MC with stories [talking about the danger]

Calling in exorcist leaked to newspaper, patients leave VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

Phenomena traced to proximity of girl (next door, floor above, etc.)

Shortage of critical supplies VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

Exorcist ID’s girl as poltergeist. All hell breaks loose.

Exorcist killed mysteriously.

<div>Reel 5. Hero retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?</div><div>

Sr. Polygrippa orders her to stop snooping [demand to stop investigating.]</div>

</div>

MC Finds notes in her locker [threats]

Janitor dies during storm; is put in cold storage until police can get there

She could fear what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.

She gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job

She meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other peers

Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]

Money needed for repairs is not available VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

Reel 6. New plan, hero prepared to change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)

Co-worker reports her [someone covert near them.]

She’s punished, but now knows her conversation was overheard

Polygrippa is missing VILLAIN’S PLAN 2

MC searches for Sister Polygrippa.

She’s attacked while looking for Sister

MC discovers unneeded supplies and facilities are being bought.

MC threatened with firing.

Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

MC’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

MC finds Polygrippa in cold storage;

Polygrippa has records in her apron.

MC finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.

MC finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.

Janitor is missing from cold storage.

She gets locked into cold storage rm

Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World

MC finds cash spent for unnecessary expenditures VILLAIN’S PLAN 3

MC inds that EMTs are being bribed VILLAIN’S PLAN 4

She finds the organ harvesting has already begun. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN

She fears she might be next.

She thinks the missing janitor is alive and looking for her.

Whoever killed Sr. Polygrippa might kill her [chased].

Villain chases her, tries to kill her

Poltergeist defends her.

Villain reminds girl he’s her father.

Girl pushes him down stairway anyway, from 10 feet away.

MC tells the police he stumbled and fell.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Life Threatening Sequence

What I learned is:

There’s an almost infinite number of exciting danger possibilities, enough to sustain constant tension. There’s another danger: trying to include too many or too diverse threats.

What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?

He is taking over the hospital and gradually retrofitting it for organ harvesting. In a pinch, he might kill her for her organs.

Threatening situations (Bracketed entries [ ] = “potential dangers”)

Boyfriend is iffy [relationship could end.]

Indigent patients could attack her [physical danger]

Supernatural phenomena [the unknown]

She fears for the patient [danger to someone they know]

She may fear infections from medical instruments, meds.

She has a daughter [her secret could be revealed.]

Finds notes in her locker [threats]

The eldritch janitor [Red?] might scare her [stalked].

(MOTIF) Sharps, scalpels, etc. [presence of weapons]

Young patient is the poltergeist [betrayal from someone close.]

Sr. Polygrippa orders her to stop [demand to stop investigating.]

Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]

Exorcist scares her with his stories [talking about the danger]

She fears whatever killed the janitor, thinks it’s demonic.

Co-worker reports her [someone covert near them.]

She’s attacked while looking for Sister Polygrippa.

She gets locked in the cold storage room [trapped].

She thinks the missing janitor is alive and looking for her.

Whoever killed Sr. Polygrippa might kill her [chased].

She’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].

The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.]

She finds the organ harvesting has already begun.

She fears she might be next.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Mystery Sequence

What I learned is: (1) Basic Instinct is over-cooked. (2) In a thriller, the First mystery presented isn’t necessarily the last one to be solved. The plot can be kicked off with a transient McGuffin, as long as it grabs the MC enough that he/she can’t let go. (3) Avoid too much complexity. (4) Some mysteries can be obscured by another layer of cause-and-effect mystery. (5) The mystery sequences may overlap; the entire plot grid is flexible.

1. What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up? He intends to take over the hospital by running it into bankruptcy and then use it for illicit organ harvesting.

2. How many ways can he cover that secret with mysteries?

a. Replace staff who might figure out what’s happening.

b. Kill anyone who might give him away.

c. Secretly spend sinking funds on unnecessary renovations and equipment.

d. Change the ratio of indigents to paying patients.

First Mystery Sequence: To scare staff away, Villain secretly causes his daughter, whom he knows is “possessed,” to be admitted for a tonsillectomy. Supernatural phenomena occur in the hospital, reviving an old rumor, as related by the enigmatic janitor, who has worked there for a long time, that the hospital is haunted. MC wants to protect the girl, and gets involved. Patients start to go elsewhere. The phenomena are traced to the girl’s room, and it’s revealed she is the poltergeist. Nurses quit. An exorcist is brought in, and this is leaked to the newspapers.

Second Mystery Sequence: To prevent the girl’s mother from revealing to MC that she’s only known him briefly, Villain causes her to die. She’s eventually shown to have died from excessive alcohol consumption. Still, MC wonders where the mother got the bottle of Old Nogginthrob. The enigmatic janitor is asphyxiated in a closed room, and, because of the storm, is placed in a new cold storage unit until the police can arrive again.

Third Mystery Sequence: Sister Polygrippa disappears during a storm. The hospital is searched. MC finds evidence that she was looking at old employee records and recent expenditures. Among other things, a lot of cash has been diverted by the absent management company to pay for for unnecessary renovations and equipment. Sister Polygrippa is found dead in the cold storage room, a patient ratio report in her apron. The janitor’s body is missing. Or is he alive . . . ?

Fourth Mystery Sequence: As Polygrippa discovered, the paying patient to indigent patient ratio has plummeted. Everyone assumes it’s from the rumor the hospital is haunted. MC retraces Polygrippa’s steps and finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring as many indigents as possible to the hospital, and legally can’t turn them away (this is often true). They’re only dollars from bankruptcy. MC takes Villain’s fingerprints and runs them past the FBI.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned: Mystery is the peculiar string of events that we and often the MC see. Intrigue is what the Villain sees–what he has planned and is executing–and we only gradually see. Suspense is the ever-present danger to the MC, seen by us, but not always seen by the MC.

Logline: A young postulant in an order of hospital nuns observes strange things happening that no one else notices.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: a young helper in a religious order’s hospital

Dangerous Villain: a degenerate worshiper of dark gods, with connections

High stakes: ownership of the hospital, custody of a child, patient deaths, torture, loss of faith, and evil

Life and death situations: Villain will murder as necessary to get his foul desires, which include sacrificial deaths

This story is thrilling because? (a) Mystery: strange activities taking place all the time. (b) Intrigue: unrelenting activity by the villain, (c) Suspense: escalating danger from many covert enemies, (d) Ambience: the spooky old hospital, a place of obvious dangers where mysterious things can happen and intrigue is easily concealed.

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: What is causing the unearthly phenomena at St. Rochus Hospital? This eventually morphs into Who and Why.

Big Intrigue: Villain seeks (1) to get custody of a particular young patient and (2) to bankrupt the hospital and take it over as a source of victims and organs for sale.

Big Suspense: Will the MC be coerced to sin or be sacrificed?.

[Jeff Guenther]

Subject Line: Jeff Guenther’s SOTL Stacking Suspense

Learned:

The charts should be plain white, with rows and columns bordered. No grey areas.

Managing the charts is not like managing football game card stunts. It’s more like fencing: as one bit of, say, mystery plays out, you have to swing your sword into another area to baffle the viewer. Similarly for the intrigue, suspense, stakes, etc.

Along with that, not every row has to change in every column (scene). There just has to be at least one box that changes to hold the audience’s attention. The more, the better, however.

The Stakes may not change for a long time or may only increase in the emotional area.

Clarifying M/I/S:

Mystery is the peculiarities that the MC sees or that we see.

Intrigue is what the Villain sees–what he has planned and is executing–and we only gradually detect, a number of scenes later, in the form of mystery or possibly suspense.

Suspense is a set-up, a known or implied potential danger to the MC, seen by us, but not always seen by the MC, and paying off several scenes later, usually as a product of Intrigue.

Suspense is independent of Mystery, though there could be an element of mystery in a suspense issue, e.g., where did that sword come from? (Mystery) Now who is going to get cut with it? (Suspense). Suspense will not generally reveal or produce a Mystery; Suspense is more like: will something foreseen or feared happen?

Suspense is independent of Intrigue, though Intrigue could eventually result in a suspense issue, e.g., the villain’s plot (Intrigue) includes planting a landmine that we see later as Mystery, and finally Suspense: Will the MC step on it? Intrigue generally doesn’t immediately create suspense.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Basic Instinct Stacking Suspense

Things I learned about Thrillers:

Every character is the focus of M/I/S. I even noticed some M/I/S or red herring elements in Dr. Lemont–his OTT delivery, etc.
Every plot development is an opportunity for heightened M/I/S, especially when set-up carefully earlier.
At any given point in the movie, you’re only seconds from an M/I/S turning point. There are no relaxation/regrouping scenes.
I didn’t check, but any establishing shots were probably shorter than average length.

[Jeff Guenther]

1. Name? Jeff Guenther, as above.

2. How many scripts you’ve written? 2 film scripts, 21 play scripts. Read roles in the 16 works produced so far as readings. My 3-act play was produced as a staged reading in Santa Barbara with props and costumes for MCs.

3. What you hope to get out of the class? I’m hoping to back-adapt my spy novel to film as a thriller.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I publish papers on brain theory at ResearchGate.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s World and Characters!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense extend to the character level.

1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.

CONCEPT: Young nun is seeing strange things at a hospital that no one else sees.

Big Mystery: What is causing the unearthly phenomena at St. Rochus Hospital?

Big Intrigue: Villain seeks (1) custody of his daughter, Clara Sarke, and (2) to bankrupt the hospital and take it over as a source of victims and organs for sale.

Big Suspense: Will MC be coerced to commit sins and be either damned or used as a sacrifice to The Ones Who Must Not Be Named?

2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story:

St. Rochus Hospital (“The Roachus Motel”), an institution built in 1890 that provides treatment and other services to the indigent and addicts, among others. Reputed to be haunted.

3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:

Sister Helga: A postulant nun assigned to work at the hospital to test her commitment.

A. her mystery? Why would someone like her become a nun?

B. her suspense? Will she continue to investigate? Will she give up her vocation?

C. her intrigue? Does she have a true vocation? What drives her to investigate?

Clara Sarke: A 13-year old possessed patient, the focus of the paranormal activity.

A. her mystery? Why is she possessed?

B. her suspense? Can she conquer her evil tendencies? What will become of her? Will her father get full custody?

C. her intrigue? What sort of entity possesses her? Can she overcome it?

Fr. Wilbur Dean: An exorcist, 49.

A. his mystery? What made him become an exorcist?

B. his suspense? Is he in danger? Will he be attacked or killed?

C. his intrigue? Does he have feelings for the patient or the nun?

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned: Mystery is the peculiar string of events that we and often the MC see. Intrigue is what the Villain sees–what he has planned and is executing–and we only gradually see. Suspense is the ever-present danger to the MC, seen by us, but not always seen by the MC.

Logline: A young postulant in an order of hospital nuns observes strange things happening that no one else notices.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: a young helper in a religious order’s hospital

Dangerous Villain: a degenerate worshiper of dark gods, with connections

High stakes: ownership of the hospital, custody of a child, patient deaths, torture, loss of faith, and evil

Life and death situations: Villain will murder as necessary to get his foul desires, which include sacrificial deaths

This story is thrilling because? (a) Mystery: strange activities taking place all the time. (b) Intrigue: unrelenting activity by the villain, (c) Suspense: escalating danger from many covert enemies, (d) Ambience: the spooky old hospital, a place of obvious dangers where mysterious things can happen and intrigue is easily concealed.

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: What is causing the unearthly phenomena at St. Rochus Hospital? This eventually morphs into Who and Why.

Big Intrigue: Villain seeks (1) to get custody of a particular young patient and (2) to bankrupt the hospital and take it over as a source of victims and organs for sale.

Big Suspense: Will the MC be coerced to sin or be sacrificed?.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Jeff Guenther. Reason: Didn't show as posted. Thought this might kick the chassis

[Jeff Guenther]

Subject line: A Good Marriage Thriller Conventions

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

Every scene, every detail, including reflections (of action and dialogue in later action and dialogue) and contrasts (with normalcy, like the final kiss), works together to create constant tension and irony throughout this gem-like film.

“What are the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?”

B.M.: Is her husband killing these women? (Answered fairly soon)

B.I.: He’s still looking for victims; which will he kill?(Non-stop)

B.S.: Will he realize she knows he’s the serial killer, and if so, will he kill her? Or will she kill him? (That’s the major issue all along.)

“What else made this movie a great thriller?”

The contrasts between normal life and the horror of being married to a murderer, e.g., when they hold hands going into the wedding reception, when she knows and he knows she knows..

The annoying cliches that later have ironic meanings in this context e.g., “He covers his tracks!”She certainly covers hers.

The rare, double-strike penny motif, a metaphor for dual personality, not as rare as the penny, unfortunately.

The many questions raised:

Will he find out she knows?

Will he kill another woman?

Will he kill her?

Will she kick the car off the jack with him under it? (Everybody is thinking, “Kick it! Kick it!” but she mustn’t. Tantalizing!)

When almost dead, will he rise up. like the Model 101 in Terminator, and kill her?

Will she laugh hysterically at the funeral? Or will she just tease us?

Who is the mysterious “BD” lurker? Is he another rude nutter?

Will the lurker kill her? Or will he turn her in?

Will she give herself away to the lurker (ex-cop)?

Will she be charged with murder?

Will she kill the ex-cop/lurker?

[Jeff Guenther]

G. L. Guenther

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jim Peacock: Okay, let’s critique each other’s V3. In case we need to check something, you can also reach me at GLGUENTHER@Yahoo.com

[Jeff Guenther]

Ola: I’ll be happy to analyze your thriller map for Mandala, Rev. 2, when it’s ready. I’ll be posting my Paranormal Patient, Rev. 2. tomorrow, most likely. OK?

For fast notes, gLguenther@yahoo.com

Jeff Guenther

[Jeff Guenther]

For Writer: Melanie Forchetti, What She Heard

What works: Competently drafted, continuity good, title okay, logline covers plot, high drama setting.

Clarity Issues:

Pronoun referents unclear, globally. (Mine were the same way.)

Why did Viv blow off the second phone call? (Scene 5)

What is the attacker’s pet name? (Scene 5)

Whose lawyer is she talking to? (Scene 16)

Why doesn’t Viv know if she heard something or not? (Scene 16)

How would an actor portray “thinking Lily is still seeing him?” (Scene 23)

Why did the supervisor fire Viv? (Scene 27)

Why does no one answer when she calls 911? (Scene 28)

Why is Hugo killing these particular people? (Scene 28)

What does Scene 29 do that Scene 30 can’t?

Punchlist:

Legend: ☐ = no, or could use more in this area; ☑ = yes, or satisfactory

☑ unknowing/unwitting Hero?

☐ resourceful hero?

☐ dangerous & fascinating villain, trying to destroy opposition?

☑ high stakes?

☐ plot twists?

☐ no flat passages?

☐ continuing suspense?

☑ LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS

☑ danger or implication of future danger at every step

☑ mystery appears early, imperiling Hero or a loved one

☐ hero is forced to solve the mystery?

☐ big intrigue, a crafty plot?

☑ got tension?

☑ got anticipation?

☑ got uncertainty ?

☐ got surprise?

☑ is there constant danger or expectation of danger to the hero?

☑ is there escalation of danger or stakes?

☑ is there a red herring?

☐ Do characters have mystery, intrigue, or suspense?

☐ Does the Villain have an end goal?

☐ Can the Villain reach it deviously

☐ Does the Villain conceal his plan?

☐ Does the plan follow an intriguing sequence?

☑ Are there trust/distrust issues?

☐ Are there action Reveals?

☐ Do the Reveals evoke viewer emotion?

☐ Is backstory minimized?

☑ Misdirection clues?

☐ Is there a primary clue trail?

For critiquer J Guenther:

☐ Were these marks encouraging?

☐ Does the Critique tell what works?

☐ Helpful ideas?

☐ Feedback based on Skill Mastery Sheet?

☐ Suggestions for clarity included?

☐ Ignores trivial details?

☐ Map checked for continuity?

END

[Jeff Guenther]

So far, so good, Melanie. Are you interested in an analysis swap?

[Jeff Guenther]

I think it’s early days, yet. Only 6 people had posted their MAPs when I uploaded mine.

Maybe check with Cheryl, using the website SUPPORT link or this link:

<font color=”#000080″><font color=”#2c94ec”><font face=”Century Schoolbook L, serif”><font size=”2″>https://screenwritingu.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/requests/new</font></font></font&gt;</font>

Other Jeff

[Jeff Guenther]

Leona: Your script looks promising. Interested in a swap? Mine needs a lot of help.

Jeff

[Jeff Guenther]

I like the scene numbers. Helpful here.

[Jeff Guenther]

Fascinating!

[Jeff Guenther]

I like it.

[Jeff Guenther]

If Beth did it, if it hadn’t been Nick, it would have been the next guy Catherine went after. Nielsen isn’t AI, he’s IA. He’d talk funnier if he was AI.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Jeff Guenther.

[Jeff Guenther]

deleted

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Jeff Guenther.

[Jeff Guenther]

Jeff Guenther’s – Villain Has a Great Plan!

“What I learned is…?” The villain’s GOAL must be something he/she really wants, something big. It must be sought through clandestine actions. The PLAN must cover the villain’s tracks and, as a side-effect, create major conflict for the Hero.

1. WHAT IS THE END GOAL? – to sacrifice indigent patients to Moloch and harvest their organs. A bit rude.

2. HOW CAN THE VILLAIN ACCOMPLISH THAT IN A DEVIOUS WAY? – run the hospital into bankruptcy and take it over. Cause the hospital to get a reputation for being haunted.

3. HOW CAN THEY COVER IT UP? – Replace nurses who quit with the Villain’s own people. Operate under the name of a mysterious holding company. “C.O. Jones Holding Co.” Create a smoke-screen with the adolescent patient.

4. SEQUENCE IT TO MAKE IT AS INTRIGUING AS POSSIBLE? – “Possessed” girl is admitted to Hospital. Poltergeist phenomena ensue. Someone recommends calling in an exorcist. The girl’s mother recommends an exorcist affiliated with a cult (as suggested by the father, but we don’t know that.) The exorcism results in disaster. Mother and father sue for custody. Their attorneys foreshadow the arrival of Moloch, himself. The phenomena go on. People quit, except for the MC. Interesting patients come and go. Head nun is at risk.

[Jeff Guenther]

Yes. It would have been better if the provided charts didn’t have every other row printed in grey–it’s hard to read anything written on the row. It would also have helped to have had the action boxes already filled in to save time deciding where the scenes end.

[Jeff Guenther]

Well done, James.

[Jeff Guenther]

Thanks. I suspect the length of each establishing shot will be determined in post-production per the director’s orders.

[Jeff Guenther]

Good observations, James. I resonated with clue management, especially. And the noise level.
And why couldn’t the camera descend a little further and show another ice pick on HIS side of the bed?

[Jeff Guenther]

Yeah, the ending seems a little out there, requires extra suspension of disbelief, if not rejection as an alternate ending. We also have to predicate any credibility on the time-frame being pre-DNA-evidence, (maybe mid-80s?)

[Jeff Guenther]

It depends. There are tons of “mid-Century” furnishings available. I’m looking at a 1967 recliner and a 1955 piano as I type this. Props for that era can still be borrowed, rented, or found at junk shops. You can “write around” the era–minimize exterior shots, shoot only where present day vehicles can be excluded, minimize the use of props. Rural locations lend themselves to everyone wearing jeans, hats, boots, etc. that are present day, but look identical to 1964. Avoid extras or cast wearing current-manufacture athletic shoes. Avoid closeups involving make-do props or costumes or new watches (like Hrundi V. Bakshi). i strongly suspect the extra cost for a 1964 era boonies flick could be kept below $10,000, depending on vehicle requirements. It’s not that long ago.

[Jeff Guenther]

“…It is difficult because it is an ensemble piece (a team of four women)
and that makes it more complex to break down than just hero/villain.”

Bingo! That adds a layer of complexity that make your adaptation much more difficult. I rejected using an ensemble piece for this class for that very reason. (Not to mention the problematic nature of adaptations of copyrighted material, which I’m sure you’re aware of.)

[Jeff Guenther]

Intro? I did get into my profile and add photos. Is there more? Thanks for the tip.

Re postulant: It’s jargon, a common term among religious. See, if you were a nun, you’d know that. But I could live with a share of a half billion dollars . . . or even loonies!

[Jeff Guenther]

Yes, my eye surgeon acquaintance, for instance, didn’t know that BBs are steel and can
be plucked from an eye in a second with a magnet. Heck, I could have
lent him my dad’s old magnet. My mom was an anesthetist, the one the surgeons always chose if they had to go “under the knife.” Most of my knowledge of profs was gained as
Department Secretary for USC Astronomy. (I had lunch last week with one
of their offspring.)

Onward!!

[Jeff Guenther]

You are sure right; it won’t always be that easy. I’m not back-adapting my novel to a thriller because my hero is NOT unwitting. Neither are anesthesiologists, in the context of your story. If you’re in doubt, see https://www.pfizerclinicaltrials.com/about/frequently-asked-questions. I think you’d get better results if you switch to a from-the-ground-up concept for the course. Just my opinion. Press on, in any case.