Jeff Hall
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Jeff Hall’s Meaningful Action
What I’ve learned is by adding action that is meaningful to the scene, I can open up a whole new dimension to the scene and character.
WITHOUT meaningful action…
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ben watches Roy wobble down the street. His pants keep falling down, so he tries to put on his overalls while still craming his face with breakfast.
Through glazed eyes, Ben smiles at the amusement.
The smile leaves when Sheriff Merl Grayson (50ish, sideburns) emerges from the bar across the street.
Leans back in and kisses a woman on the lips. He looks out on the street both ways confirming all citizens are in church. He leaps out and crosses the dirt road.
SHERIFF MERL
‘morning, Benny.
BEN
Merl.
SHERIFF MERL
(grin)
Molly was feeling a little generous last night…and this morning.
SHERIFF MERL
She has friends ya know.
BEN
And I have a fiance.
SHERIFF MERL
Damn it, Benny… You’re nothing like your dad.
Ben reveals a slight tinge of pain. Jaws lock.
SHERIFF MERL
(beat)
Boys and their father. Same ol’ story.
Ben can not reply.
SHERIFF MERL
We both liked to support our local business women.
BEN
Mom didn’t appretiate it… Drove mom to an early…
ShERIFF MERL
Lighten up. Damn it. We all have a price tag. We’re all whores.
He slaps him on the shoulder and steps to the Jail House door and opens.
WITH Meaningful Action…
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ben watches Roy wobble down the street. His pants keep falling down, so he tries to put on his overalls while still craming his face with breakfast.
Through glazed eyes, Ben smiles at the amusement.
The smile leaves when Sheriff Merl Grayson (50ish, sideburns) emerges from the bar across the street.
Leans back in and kisses a woman on the lips. He looks out on the street both ways confirming all citizens are in church. He leaps out and crosses the dirt road. Shirt tail out.
SHERIFF MERL
‘morning, Benny.
BEN
Merl.
SHERIFF MERL
(grin)
Molly was feeling a little generous last night…and this morning.
Ben stares out toward the road leading out of town. He does not look Merl in the eye.
SHERIFF MERL
She has friends ya know.
BEN
And I have a fiance.
Merl tucks his shirt into his pants and straightens his belt and holster.
SHERIFF MERL
Damn it, Benny… You’re nothing like your dad.
Ben reveals a slight tinge of pain. Jaws lock.
SHERIFF MERL
(beat)
Boys and their father. Same ol’ story.
Ben can not reply.
SHERIFF MERL
We both liked to support our local business women.
Merl looks at his reflection in the jailhouse window. Fixes his collar and combs his hair.
BEN
Mom didn’t appretiate it… Drove mom to an early…
ShERIFF MERL
Lighten up. Damn it. We all have a price tag. We’re all whores.
He slaps him on the shoulder and steps to the Jail House door and opens.
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DAY 8
Jeff Hall’s Elevated Story Beats
What I learned… This tool is a TREMENDOUS time saver!! I will use this with every project.
2. (E2) EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ben watches families go by leaving church. Interacts with kids. Ben’s fiance walks by with her father and mother.
(IMPROVEMENT – Ben sees two boys come out of a closed store with treats that were obviously stolen. He confronts them, and they pretend to have guns, he gets nervous and sweaty, he gives in to them and lets them escape. They laugh as they hit him and get away. This makes him the laughing stock of the town.)
29. (E3) EXT. ROAD – DAY
Approaches the Muller House and approaches Mr Muller and requests work.
(Improvement – Mr Muller has heard of Ben gives him a hard time, but reluctantly hires him)
53. (E3) EXT. CITY STREET – MORNING
Maria, orphanage keeper, gives him water and blanket.
(Improvement – Maria, orphanage keeper, tells the children to leave the man alone for their own safetly. She sees that he is severely sick and enjured. Begrudgenly, she takes him in.)
***Delete beats 71 through 82. (New Beats will delete Sheriff Norse Character altogether. And Delete the entire day. This helps with the momentum of the climax)***
New 71. (E8) EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Nora discovers the body of her husband and immediate hunts Ben. Maria helps Ben and pleads with Nora to calm and think of her children.
New 72. (E8) INT. JAIL – NIGHT
Ben hides in the jail and Nora finds him. She shoots, but Ben protects himself with mattress. Nora enters the jails and Ben pushes her out with the mattress.
New 73. (E7) EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP – NIGHT
Ben jumps on top of roof top to hide.
New 74. (E7) EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Maria jumps Nora and knocks her down. Takes her gun and slaps sense into her.
New 75. (E5) EXT. BUILDING ROOF TOP – NIGHT
Ben sees that the orphanage is on fire. The Tall Man is on top cutting a hole in roof with his ax.
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Jeff Hall’s Scene Ratings –
Act 1
1. (E10) The Tall man slays a family. (Writes symbols on the wall with blood)
2. (E2) Ben watches families go by leaving church. Enteracts with kids. Ben’s fiance walks by with her father and mother.
3. (E5) Ben wakes up the prisoner, his friend Roy, so he can go to work at the Peterson Farm.
4. (E6) Introduce Sheriff Merl and his immoral ways. And hint at Ben’s position/history. (Merl hints to knowing of Ben’s opium addiction)
5. (E8) Roy discovers the Peterson bodies.
6. (E6) Ben and his fiance, Rose, talk about their future. Something just isn’t right.
Roy walks by carrying the Peterson girl.
7. (E6) Ben sneaks Roy through the city to the doctor.
8. (E8) Roy begs doctor to fix the girl. A shocked doctor can do nothing.
9. (E3) Ben informs Sheriff Merl they need to go out to the Peterson’s. Advises Roy to lay low.
10. (E6) Ben and Sheriff Merl examine the bodies and bloody walls. (Bloody writing/symbols)
11. (E5) Bartender warns Sheriff of the plans by townsfolk to take Roy.
12. (E7) Funeral. As the preacher speaks, many glances are made and unspoken intent. Afterward, a group of them run.
13. (E7) Mob bursts into the jail house. Ben tries to defend, but is beaten. Sheriff Merl does little to stop this from happening.
14. (E8) The Mod drags Roy with a rope. He is beaten. More people join in.
15. (E9) Ben begs Sheriff to help. The people in the town will do whatever he says. But he does nothing. Roy is hung and Ben tries to hold him up, but is hit by his own future father-in-law.
16. (E7) (He takes opium) Ben buries Roy next to the Peterson family. He was loved by the family and practically part of it. A drunk protests this, but Ben threatens him with his gun.
17. (E6) Ben discovers a campsite that has clues that refer to the Peterson house (chicken bones with the same distinct seasoning).
18. (E7) Ben rushes to inform Sheriff Merl and shows newspaper, but he will not hear it. There was a crime and someone has been punished. The town is satisfied. He will be re-elected.
19. (E4) Runs to find his fiance but she’s not home.
20. (E9) Ben finds Sheriff Merl and his fiance together. Get blows up and shoots the wall around the sheriff. Throws his badge and gun at him and walks out.
21. (E4) Ben jumps the train leaving town. (Ben just steps onto the train, not “run/jump”)
Act 2
22. (E6) Hobos throw Ben off the train at the next town. He have robbed him. No boots. No money. (No opium bottle).
(IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE)
23. (E6) (Requests a refill of his opium bottle. Doctor informs him that the law has changed. He is not allowed to sell it. Needs to be examined first.)
24. (E6) Ben informs Chambers sheriff, Schmidt, that he will be snooping around town, trying to find the murderer. The sheriff is suspicious and tells him so.
(IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE)
25. (E8) Breaks in pharmacy and steels a bottle of opium.
26. (E7) Ben drinks. Puts opium in his drink. Gambles with locals. Tells them he is looking for work. Loses his last few coins away. Can not pay tab. (Can’t pay what was gambled, he is beaten up)… thrown out and kicked in the street.
27. (E5) (Ben is high in this scene) Ben wanders through town, looking for anyone or anything suspicious. Walks by Muller house and dog chases him away.
28. (E8) Sheriff Schmidt forces Ben behind bars. Scolds him for of his actions in the city. He lets him go with a stern warning. (Orders him to find work and pay tab/gambling debt)
29. (E3) Approaches the Muller House and approaches Mr Muller and requests work.
30. (E3) Ben chops wood. Mrs Muller brings water.
31. (E5) Ben clear undergrowth. Stumbles across bodies of dogs.
32. (E6) Ben digs graves for dogs with Mr Muller.
33. (E8) Ben eats dinner and has a cute interaction with their young children, girl and boy. Mrs Muller gives him a blanket and pillow.
34. (E4) Relaxes on the cot in the barn. Startles by the girl sneaking him pie.
35. (E5) Ben stirs awake. Sees soft light moving in the house windows.
36. (E6) Sees a slendor man leaving the area. Nervous.
37. (E7) Ben discovers the bodies of the Mullers. All dead in their beds. Grabs rifle and runs after the man.
38. (E4) Runs after the man, but does not find him.
39. (E7) Ben bursts into the jail house and informs Sheriff Schmidt of the mullers’ death.
He takes the gun and puts Ben in jail for safetly.
40. (E4) Sheriff Schmidt comes out of the house and vomits.
41. (E7) Schmidt shouts at Ben for making things difficult as he will have to protect Ben from his citizens.
42. (E9) Twenty men descend upon the jailhouse. Schmidt tries to convince them not to, but they knock him out.
43. (E10) The mob drags Ben into the street. They put a noose around his neck and hoist him up a tree. Several men hold the rope as Ben chokes.
A bullet hits one of the men holding the rope. Then another. Sheriff Schmidt approaches unarmed. Informs them, that he has a man on a roof with a rifle pointed at them. Then drop Ben. Ben’s old Sheriff (Merl Grayson) was the rifleman.
44. (E3) Ben is kept in Sheriff Schmidt’s house. Nursed by Mrs Schmidt.
Sheriff Grayson offers to take him back to his home town. Ben overhears and sneaks out (Motivated by his anger for Sheriff Merl Grayson)
45. (E4) Grayson and Schmidt arrive at the Train station, but the train is gone.
Act 3
46. (E7) Ben cowers in the corner away from the hobos.
47. (E4) Sheriff Grayson starts to go back home, but Mrs Schmidt guilts him into going after Ben.
48. (E3) Ben is kicked off the train by a worker.
49. (E7) Ben huddles in a corner and sleeps. (Storms on him)
50. (E5) Sheriff Grayson rides and discovers the Tall Man’s camp. He is murdered with the ax.
51. (E8) Ben shivers as he tries to sleep on the street. People ignore him. He appears to be a bum. A large man, Henry, asks about the neck wound. Expresses his dislike of Ben.
Two children, Matthew and Patricia, are kind and give him candy.
52. (E7) Ben sleeps in the cold. Sees the Tall Man walk through town. Ben is petrafied… frozen.
53. (E3) Maria, orphanage keeper, gives him water and blanket.
54. (E4) Ben wakes in a bed. Maria has taken him in for recovery. Locks him in her room.
55. (E4) Maria shows the orphans, all working and chipping in. Ben is emotional. Henry expresses his dislike.
56. (E5) Henry gives an apple to the tall man who is plowing his fields.
57. (E6) Ben examine the strange book he found on the train. Maria informs him that its time for him to leave. Gives him a blanket. (Matty/Patty see him acting string/high. Greatly ashamed, he smashes his opium supply).
58. (E7) Ben see the Tall Man dragging all the orphans a ropes. Ben is startle awake by Maria brings coffee. Ben warns to keep the orphanage door bolted.
(Maria sits and they have a moment)
59. (E6) Church bells. Ben wakes to people walking by going to church. See a tall man and follows.
60. (E7) Ben sits in the back row. Preacher mentions the biblical Benjamin. Judging eyes. Sits behind Tall Man and is nervous(and sweating). (he is going through withdrawals)
61. (E4) Rushes out of the church and vomits. (Does not vomit. He is shaking beyond control. Checks his pockets for his opium, nothing)
62. (E2) Near the church, Ben washes his face.
63. (E4) This tall man leaves church and Ben tries to follow, but Henry lectures him about being a beggar. (Someone comments on Ben being nervious in church, “sinner in church”) Ben asks for work and Henry agrees. Loses the tall man.
64. (E5) Ben passes Henry’s house and sees that tall man. He watches from the woods. Fights dreariness.
65. (E8) Ben wakes and sees the tall man going into the house with something that could be a weapon. Ben grabs a stick and runs toward the house.
66. (E6) Ben approaches the house.
67. (E7) Ben busts in and stricks the tall man. Henry’s teenage son lays on the floor unconscious. A furious Henry grabs gun. Ben flees.
68. (E7) Henry shoots.
69. (E7) Ben runs. Pellets spray.
70. (E8) Ben runs into town and sees the real Tall Man in front of the orphanage. He hides in an alley. Henry approaches and threatens the Tall Man. He surprises him with an ax to the head. The Tall Man inhales over Henry’s open mouth. Extacy.
71. (E4) Nora (Henry’s wife) brings the sheriff Norse to Ben’s hiding place.
72. (E5) Sheriff Norse puts Ben in Jail. Ben tries to explain what happened. Nora busts in crying uncontrollably.
73. (E6) Sheriff Norse follows bloody trail.
74. (E3) Sheriff Norse Henry’s body just off the road.
75. (E8) An angry Nora stares at Ben. He claims he did not do it. She aims a rifle at him and pulls the trigger… no bullet. Sheriff enters and sends her home.
76. (E2) Sheriff Norse asks a woman to help Nora get home.
77. (E2) Ben tries to explain what happened to Norse.
78. (E2) Maria serves food to the children.
79. (E2) Several children perform chores outside.
80. (E4) Tall Man stares from shadows.
81. (E3) (Maria asks Ben to explain. He confesses to killing his father because his father killed his mom. And feels like this is his punish/penence. Ben says how much the loves the children. She says its because he is one of them. )
82. (E5) Nora approaches with gun. Maria tries to stop her, but is knocked out.
83. (E10) Nora bursts in and fires shotgun. Hides behind the mattress. She can not get a descent shot and open the jail door. From behind that mattress, he pushes her back and out the door.
84. (E5) Ben ducks behind a building. Nora hunts.
85. (E4) Ben hides. Then climbs onto the a building. Sheriff startles Nora and she shoots him.
86. (E3) Ben sees and hides from rooftop.
87. (E2) Nora stumbles down the street.
88. (E2) Maria tends to child and peaks out window.
89. (E3) Maria helps her. Takes her to Jail House.
90. (E2) Help her lay on bed.
91. (E4) Tall Man stares from the shadows.
92. (E3) Ben smell smoke.
93. (E3) Maria stirs and smells smoke.
94. (E9) Ben sees fire coming from the burning straw that surrounds the orphanage. Children screaming. Tall Man climbs a ladder. Ben jumps off the roof, then climbs ladder. Tall Man pushes ladder down into the fire.
Tall Man axing the roof. Maria and Nora pump water into a bucket. Nora dowses the ladder. He climbs to the roof.
Ben fights the Tall Man. Roof collapses on Ben and he falls into the building.
95. (E9) In the smoke-filled building, Ben is able to open the bolted door. Helps children out.
96. (E8) Ben and children exit the orphanage. Patty is missing.
97. (E8) Ben goes back in to save Patricia. Tall Man grins from above. With mouth to mouth, Ben saves her. Catherine is missing, Maria finds her and they can not save her.
(Patricia dies. Delete Catherin’s character)
98. (E6) Ben jumps onto the moving caboose.
99. (E4) Climbs on the roof of the caboose.
100. (E5) Walks forward and jumps onto the next boxcar.
101. (E7) Hobos threaten Ben. Ben throws one off the train. The rest back off.
102. (E7) From above he looks inside the next few boxcars. Suddenly, the Tall Man is standing on top staring at him. Large choreographed fight. Over a bridge, they fall.
103. (E9) Ben struggles in the violent river, but pulls himself onto the shore. He has the Tall Man’s weapon, but the Tall Man is no where to be seen.
104. (E8) Ben helps rebuild the orphanage. Plays with children. Holds Maria’s hand.
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DAY 6
Jeff Hall’s Character Intros
What I learned from this assignment is that my character introductions are the most important part of my writing. I just get that right to draw in the reader/audience.
Benjamin Cole
Current Beats – Stands on porch and encourages two boys to fight. Wanting his prisoner/friend for work and giving him breakfast.
New Intro – Ben sees two boys come out of a closed store with treats that were obviously stolen. He confronts them, and they pretend to have guns, he gets nervous and sweaty, he gives in to them and lets them escape. They laugh as they hit him and get away. This makes him the laughing stock of the town.
Roy
Current Intro Beats – wakes hungover in jail. Interaction with Ben. We see he is mentally challenged and an outcast.
New Intro – Dirty and sweaty, he wakes in jail. Laughs with Ben and is able to ease Ben’s pain with just his presence (encouragement and love). He is looks forward to a day of work with the Petersons. Expresses his love for their little girl “You think i will even have a daughter like that?”
Sheriff Merl Grayson
Current Intro Beats – On a sunday morning, kisses a prostitute goodbye. Unpleasant conversation with Ben, revealing his ‘politician heart’ and wishing Ben was like father.
New Intro – Says goodbye to prostitute, but does not pay. Merl “I thought you loved me”. Mocks Ben for the incident with the boys.
Maria Sanchez
Current Intro Beats – orphans convince her to help Ben on the street.
New Intro – Maria yells at the children for helping Ben. During a heavy rain, the children brings a SICK Ben inside the orphanage. “He is an orphan too”. She complains/yells. As soon as he wakes, she tells him he has to leave. She sees his loving interaction with the children and we only see her reaction in her eyes.
The Tall Man –
Current Intro Beats – Stares at the Peterson house. Walks quietly inside. Murders every member of the family.
New Intro – I don’t know how i can make this scene better.
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DAY 5
Jeff Hall’s Character Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is the value of breaking down each character’s journey and improvement them one by one. AND being INTENTIONAL, rather than improving while writing.
BENJAMIN COLE (arch = Coward/Brave)
1. Profile –
Core Character Traits – Abused, hurt, needs family, needs love, protective.
Character Subtext Logline – Ben is a deputy addicted to opium. Secretly killed his abusive father for killing his mother. He is looking for redemption.
Flaw – Lives with the guilt of killing his father and letting his father kill his mother.
Secret – He killed his father
Something he does not want to admit to himself: He is consuming opium to numb himself from his pain. He does not have it under control. He tells himself and other that he has headaches.
2.Beginning/middle/end – Ben is an outsider in his home town. Given no option but to leave the town. Finds life and purpose at the orphanage.
3.Beats of Story – His innocent friend is hung for murder, Can not convince sheriff to look for real murderer, (improvement: pulls gun on the executioner but is too cowardly to fire). fiance cheats on him, leaves home town, robbed, looks for murderer, accused of murder and hung, survives and escapes to next town, orphanage helps him, real murderer tries to burn town orphanage, fights murderer.
4. He is depressed/cowardly in the first act
5. He is depressed in the first act/Finds happiness and purpose at the orphanage
ROY (arch – no responsibilities/responsible)
1. Profile –
Core Character Traits – Mentally Retarded, hard worker, honest, innocent.
Character Subtext Logline – Simple “hand to mouth” life.
Flaw – trusts everyone
Want/Need – Companionship
2.Beginning/middle/end – in prison for public intoxication, discovers bodies, hung
3.Beats – Wakes in prison, let out to get to work, discovers bodies, brings dead girl to town, locked up for his protection, mob takes him, hangs and dies.
4.He is smitten with the little girl. Wishes he could have a daughter like that.
5. Show Roy emotional tie to the family and the great loss. And then he is happy whenever, he is told he is about to see her again.
SHERIFF MERL GRAYSON (arch – selfish/self sacrifice)
1. Profile-
Core Character Traits – Selfish, self promoting, womanizer,
Character Subtext Logline – Seeks status to make him feel self-worth.
Flaw – Will do anything to keep getting re-elected.
Something he does not want to admit to himself: he is extremely lonely.
2. Beginning/middle/end – Selfish, betrayal, repentive/self-sacrificing
3. Beats- Unpleasant interaction with Ben, wishes Ben was more like his father, sees the dead girl and locks Roy up, investigates the house, does not stop the mod from killing Roy, Caught cheating with Ben’s fiance, helps save Ben from being hung to death, killed by the Tall Man.
4. Needs Improvement – helps save Ben/killed by the Tall Man
5. Improvement – Shows repentiveness/stumbles across the Tall Man and realizes that Ben was right. Is killed trying to stop the Tall Man.
Maria Sanchez (arch – guarded / lets love in)
1. Profile –
Core Character Traits – Committed, tough love, loving, discerning,
Mission/Agenda – She will never leave the orphans. Love the children as her own.
Character Arc: Guards her heart / Falls for Ben.
2. Beginning/Middle/End – Heart guarded/cares for Ben/falls for Ben
3. Beats – reluctantly helps Ben, tells Ben he has to leave, but still helps him, helps put out fire and save kids, rebuilds orphanage, falls for Ben.
4. Needs Improvement – Tell Ben he has to leave / Help hims
5. Improvement – With yelling, she kicks Ben out / Again reluctantly helps him while in the street and has a moment with him (a simple but powerful conversation where they’re both vulnerable with each other).
The Tall Man (arch – madness/more madness?? Monster may not need arch)
1. Profile –
Core Character Traits – cold, no feeling, numb, quiet, does not talk, manic.
Mission/Agenda – consume souls of the dying. Feed his addiction
Something he does not want to admit to himself: he is possessed by a demon.
2. Beginning/middle/end – kills quietly at night, kills in the day, kills on a grand scale.
3. Beats – kills Petersons, kills Mullers, kills Sheriff Merl burns down orphanage.
4. Needs Improvement – kills Sheriff Merl
5. Improvement – instead of just killing Merl, we up the drama and see inside his mind.
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Jeff Hall’s Character Profile
What I learned doing this assignment is a list of simply basic traits of a character improves the ability to write they’re actions and words.
Logline: After his innocent friend is hung for brutal murders, a deputy discovers the murders are part of a string of gruesome slayings. He must leave everything behind to stop this ghost-like serial killer.
Profile for Top five characters
Role – Benjamin Cole
Core Character Traits – Abused, hurt, needs family, needs love, protective.
Character Subtext Logline – Ben is a deputy addicted to opium. Secretly killed his abusive father for killing his mother. He is looking for redemption.
Flaw – Lives with the guilt of killing his father and letting his father kill his mother.
Secret – He killed his father
Something he does not want to admit to himself: He is consuming opium to numb himself from his pain. He does not have it under control. He tells himself and other that he has headaches.
Role – Roy
Core Character Traits – Mentally Retarded, hard worker, honest, innocent.
Character Subtext Logline – Simple “hand to mouth” life.
Flaw – trusts everyone
Want/Need – Companionship
Role – Sheriff Merl Grayson
Core Character Traits – Selfish, self promoting, womanizer,
Character Subtext Logline – Seeks status to make him feel self-worth.
Flaw – Will do anything to keep getting re-elected.
Something he does not want to admit to himself: he is extremely lonely.
Role: Maria Sanchez
Core Character Traits – Committed, tough love, loving, discerning,
Mission/Agenda – She will never leave the orphans. Love the children as her own.
Character Arc: Guards her heart / Falls for Ben.
Role: The Tall Man
Core Character Traits – cold, no feeling, numb, quiet, does not talk, manic.
Mission/Agenda – consume souls of the dying. Feed his addiction
Something he does not want to admit to himself: he is possessed by a demon.
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Jeff Hall’s Story Beats
What I learned. Separating out scenes/beats is a much more efficiant way of improving a script. Brilliant.
Act 1
1. INT. Large Farm House – Night (IMPROVED)
The Tall man slays a family. (Writes symbols on the wall with blood)
4. EXT. CITY STREET – DAY (Improved)
Introduce Sheriff Merl and his immoral ways. And hint at Ben’s position/history. (Merl hints to knowing of Ben’s opium addiction)
16. EXT. GRAVE YARD – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
(He takes opium) Ben buries Roy next to the Peterson family. He was loved by the family and practically part of it. A drunk protests this, but Ben threatens him with his gun.
21. EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben jumps the train leaving town. (Ben just steps onto the train, not “run/jump”)
Act 2
22. EXT. CHAMBERS TRAIN DEPOT – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Hobos throw Ben off the train at the next town. He have robbed him. No boots. No money. (No opium bottle).
23. (IMPROVED ADDED SCENE)
INT. DOCTOR OFFICE – DAY
Requests a refill of his opium bottle. Doctor informs him that the law has changed. He is not allowed to sell it. Needs to be examined first.)
25. (IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE)
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Breaks in pharmacy and steels a bottle of opium.
26. INT. BAR – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben drinks. Puts opium in his drink. Gambles with locals. Tells them he is looking for work. Loses his last few coins away. Can not pay tab. (Can’t pay what was gambled, he is beaten up)… thrown out and kicked in the street.
27. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
(Ben is high in this scene) Ben wanders through town, looking for anyone or anything suspicious. Walks by Muller house and dog chases him away.
28. EXT. JAIL HOUSE – MORNING (IMPROVED)
Sheriff Schmidt forces Ben behind bars. Scolds him for of his actions in the city. He lets him go with a stern warning. (Orders him to find work and pay tab/gambling debt)
44. INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben is kept in Sheriff Schmidt’s house. Nursed by Mrs Schmidt.
Sheriff Grayson offers to take him back to his home town. Ben overhears and sneaks out (Motivated by his anger for Sheriff Merl Grayson)
Act 3
49. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben huddles in a corner and sleeps. (Storms on him)
57. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben examine the strange book he found on the train. Maria informs him that its time for him to leave. Gives him a blanket. (Matty/Patty see him acting string/high. Greatly ashamed, he smashes his opium supply).
58. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben see the Tall Man dragging all the orphans a ropes. Ben is startle awake by Maria brings coffee. Ben warns to keep the orphanage door bolted. (Maria sits and they have a moment)
60. INT. CHURCH – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben sits in the back row. Preacher mentions the biblical Benjamin. Judging eyes. Sits behind Tall Man and is nervous(and sweating). (he is going through withdrawals)
61. EXT. CHURCH – DAY (IMPROVED)
Rushes out of the church and vomits. (Does not vomit. He is shaking beyond control. Checks his pockets for his opium, nothing)
81. IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE
INT. JAIL HOUSE – NIGHT
Maria asks Ben to explain. He confesses to killing his father because his father killed his mom. And feels like this is his punish/penence. Ben says how much the loves the children. She says its because he is one of them. )
88. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE
INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Maria tends to child and peaks out window.
89. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE)
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Maria helps her. Takes her to Jail House.
90. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE
Maria helps Nora lay on bed.
97. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben goes back in to save Patricia. Tall Man grins from above. With mouth to mouth, Ben saves her. Catherine is missing, Maria finds her and they can not save her.
(Patricia dies. Delete Catherin’s character)
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Jeff Hall’s Basic Structure Version 2
What I learned: Rewriting can be extremely effective done on the “summary” level.
Log Line: After his innocent friend is hung for brutal murders, a deputy discovers the murders are part of a string of gruesome slayings. He must leave everything behind to stop this ghost-like serial killer.
Opening: The Tall Man silently slays family in the middle of the night. WITH BLOOD HE WRITES GIBBERISH ON THE WALLS.
Inciting Incident: A mob of townsfolk brutally LYNCH and hang Ben’s innocent friend for the murders.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Ben’s pursuit of the murderer
First turning point at end of Act 1: Ben discovers a pattern of murders. Then finds his boss and his fiance sleeping together. A distraught Ben leaves the town and pursues the murderer.
Mid-Point: Ben is not welcomed in the new town, but is met with suspicion as he looks for a killer that no one has seen. DRUNK AND BROKE, HE STIFFS THE BAR AND IS BEATEN AND THROWN ON THE STREET.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Another slaying of a family. Ben is hung for the murder, but narrowly escapes death with the help of the sheriff.
Crisis: Completely broken, Ben flees to the next town. Taken in by the orphanage. THOUGH THE ORPHANS ARE STARVING, THEY FEED AND SHELTER BEN. BEN’S OPIUM ADDICTION IS EXPOSED. HE IS HUMILIATED AND HUMBLED.
Climax: The Tall Man sets the orphanage on fire and tries to kill them all. As Ben pursues, the Tall Man jumps onto the train. They fight on the train. (LARGE CHOREOGRAPHED SCENE)
Resolution: Ben and the Tall Man fall off the train bridge and into a violent river. Ben survives, but the Tall Man disappears.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Jeff Hall’s Basic Structure Version 1
What I learned: Rewriting can be extremely effective done on the “summary” level.
Log Line: After his innocent friend is hung for brutal murders, a deputy discovers the murders are part of a string of gruesome slayings. He must leave everything behind to stop this ghost-like serial killer.
Opening: The Tall Man silently slays family in the middle of the night.
Inciting Incident: A mob of townsfolk hang Ben’s innocent friend for the murders.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Ben’s pursuit of the murderer
First turning point at end of Act 1: Ben discovers a pattern of murders. Then finds his boss and his fiance sleeping together. Ben leaves the town and pursues the murderer.
Mid-Point: Ben is not welcomed in the new town, but is met with suspicion as he looks for a killer that no one has seen.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Another slaying of a family. Ben is hung for the murder, but narrowly escapes death with the help of the sheriff.
Crisis: Completely broken, Ben flees to the next town. Taken in by the orphanage.
Climax: The Tall Man sets the orphanage on fire and tries to kill them all. As Ben pursues, the Tall Man jumps onto the train. They fight on the train.
Resolution: Ben and the Tall Man fall off the train bridge and into the river. Ben survives, but the Tall Man disappears.
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Anyone left to partner up? I’ve been traveling… trying to get caught up.
Logline: After his innocent friend is hung for brutal murders, a deputy discovers the murders are part of a string of gruesome slayings. He must leave everything behind to stop this ghost-like serial killer.
Thank you
Jeff Hall -
Ext. Victorian Farm House – Night
Peaceful night. Family sleeping. We see large feet walk into the house. Carries Ax. In complete silence, he slaughters every member of the family (father, mother, two children). We hear him inhale.
Bloody foot prints lead to the table. He sits and eats their food.
Int. Jail House – Day
Ben (deputy) sleeps at the desk as Roy (mentally challenged) wakes and announces that he has to be at work (farm hand). Both are hungover and are friends. Roy discovers the bodies at the house of his employer. He carries the small girl into town, crying and screaming for the doctor. Blood covers him.
Ben makes sure the Sheriff knows that Roy is innocent. However, a mob forms and takes Roy. Ben runs to the Sheriff, but he will do nothing to stop them as it is election season. With all his might, Ben tries to stop them, but is trampled.
Ext. Porch – Night
Ben pours out his heart to his fiance. The father expresses his displeasure with Ben’s actions. Ben feels lost. Afterward, he smokes opium.
Goes to the Victorian house and examines the scene. Sees bloody footprints that seem to “limp”.
Int. City Street – Day
A discarded newspaper falls off the train and Ben discovers a mirror murder in the adjacent town. Takes it to the sheriff, but refuses to let him even try to find the real killer. Ben takes the train to the adjacent town and examines their murder house. Bloody limping foot prints.
An excited Ben walks in on the sheriff sleeping with his fiance. Ben empties his gun in the wall around them and throws his badge at them. Storms out.
Ben drowns himself in his sorrow and uses opium. Mingles with hobos and escapes on the train. Befriends a hobo.
Ext. Train/Second Town – Day
Wakes up in the next town and his hobo friend has robbed him. All his money is gone. Sheriff threatens him but Ben tells him about the slayings and his former employment. Sheriff reluctantly agrees to let him investigate, but is treated with suspicion. Another mirror slaying occurs in that town and Ben sees the Tall Man at a distance. The townspeople come for the suspicious newcomer. Despite the sheriff’s opposition, the mob strings him up. Ben’s sheriff rescues him. Ben barely survives and flees the scene. He hides on the train and it moves away. There he finds a book of drawings and writings by an individual.
Ext. Third Town – Day
An injured Ben is thrown off the train by train personnel. He lays unconscious all day. Orphans play near him and give him water and food. The orphanage “mother” (Maria) tell the children to stay away from him. She refuses to help him. But the children take care of him. They sneak him in and hide him. When discovered, she throws a fit. But they convince her just for a trial (like a stray dog). The safety of the children, he is locked in a room. There, he goes through withdraws from his addiction and partially recovers from his injuries. Though he can barely speak, he convinces Maria that the doors and windows should be bolted to protect the children from the murderer.
Ext. City Street – Night
Through the window at night, Ben sees a man who looks suspiciously like the Tall Man. Follows him to a farm house. The man enters with a weapon. Ben musters the courage and explodes through the door. The family is peacefully eating dinner. It was not the Tall Man. The husband grabs shotgun and chases. Ben runs to town and hides. The husband is slaughtered by the Tall Man in the middle of the city street. Ben is arrested for the murder and placed in Jail.
Ext. Orphanage – Night
From his cell window, he sees the Tall Man dropping hay all around the orphanage. He sets it on fire. Ben yells, but the husband’s wife barges in with a shotgun. Blocks the buckshot with the mattress. The orphanage burns. The wife opens the cell to finish him, he is able to escape.
Slowly children awake, but can not escape as the windows and doors are bolted shut. On the roof, the Tall Man creates a hole with his ax. He stands over that hole ready to inhale the souls of the passing children. The town is soon alarmed and makes a futile attempt at putting the fire out. Ben sees the Tall Man and climbs on the roof. They fight and Ben falls through the roof. Saves (most?) of the children. The Tall Man vanishes.
Ext. Train – Morning
Train whistle blows, Ben knows the Tall Man will be on it. He jumps on it. Jumps from boxcar to boxcar. He is attacked by the Tall Man. They fight. Large choreographed fight on train. They fall off a large bridge into a river. Ben crawls onto the shore. The Tall Man is nowhere to be found.
Ext. Orphanage – Day
Ben helps rebuild the orphanage and plays with the children. A messenger informs Ben that this home town wants him to be the new sheriff. He holds Maria’s hand and declines the offer.
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Jeff Hall’s Thriller Map Version 1
Ext. Victorian Farm House – Night
Peaceful night. Family sleeping. We see large feet walk into the house. Carries Ax. Family slaughtered.
Killer sits at diner table to eats their food.
Int. Jail House – Day
Roy, the family’s help, discovers the bodies in the morning. He is blamed by the town but Ben, deputy, knows he’s innocent. A mob shows up and drags him to the street. Ben can not stop them and the sheriff does nothing to stop them.
Roy is hung.
Int. Jail House – Day
Ben discovers a mirror murder in the adjacent town, but the sheriff refuses to let him even try to find the real killer.
Ben wants in on the sheriff sleeping with his fiance. Ben empties his gun in the wall around them and throws his badge at them. Storms out.
Ext. Train – Day
The train starts to leave and Ben jumps on it. Next town, he informs that sheriff that he’s investigating, but is treated with suspicion. Another mirror slaying occurs in that town and Ben sees the Tall Man at a distance. The mob comes for the suspicious newcomer. Despite the sheriff’s opposition, the mob strings him up. Ben’s sheriff rescues. Ben survives and flees on the next train. Finds a book of occult drawings and writings by an individual.
Ext. Third Town – Day
An injured Ben is thrown off the train and taken in by an orphanage. Being suspicious, he is locked in a room for the safety of the children. He goes through withdraws from his addiction and partially recovers from his injuries. Convinces Maria, the orphanage “mother” to bolt the windows and doors.
Ext. Third Town – Night
Ben guards the town at night. Ben notices a Tall Man and follows him as he enters a home. Ben bursts and stop him, but he is the employee of that farm house. The man of the house chases Ben who rans back to town and hides. The man is murdered by the Tall Man. Ben is held under suspicion in the jail. The wife shows up and attempts to shoot Ben in jail.
Ext. Orphanage – Night
The Tall Man sets fire to the orphanage. The children can not escape because the windows and doors are bolted. On the roof, the Tall Man creates a hole with his ax. He stands of that hole ready to inhale the souls of the passing children.
The town is soon alarmed and makes a futile attempt at putting the fire out.
Ben sees the Tall Man and climbs on the roof. They fight and Ben falls through the roof. Saves children. Tall Man vanishes.
Ext. Train – Morning
Train whistle blows, Ben knows the Tall Man will be on it. He jumps on it. Jumps from boxcar to boxcar. He is attacked by the Tall Man. They fight. Large choreographed fight on train. They fall off a large bridge into a river. Ben crawls onto the shore. The Tall Man is nowhere to be found.
Ext. Orphanage – Day
Ben helps rebuild the orphanage and plays with the children. He holds Maria’s hand.
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Lesson 13
Jeff Hall’s Misdirects, When Appropriate.
What i learned is.. A healthy seasoning of misdirection greatly spices up a thriller 🙂
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection
A. The Red Herring character. Ben? Hobo?
B. The Villain’s plan. Ben assumes the M.O. of the murderer is families… but its children.
C. The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.”
2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
A. Clue Misdirection. A clue leads back to Ben.
B. Character Misdirection. Ben it blacking out when he’s high.
C. Dialogue Misdirection. Ben has been accused several times for being in the “wrong place at the wrong time”.
3. Decide on the ones that work and add them to the Thriller Map…..
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
a. Who is slaying?
TWIST- Current Direction: Peaceful night / Twist: Slaying of family
b. Why are the slaying occuring?
CLUE – A table setting left on dining table
CLUE – bloody limping foot print
CLUE – Bent wick
c. The towns deputy, Ben, is depressed, addicted, and unhappy.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
a. Ben’s friend is drug out into the street.
TWIST- Current Direction: Obviously innocent man and moment / Twist: Mob swarms in and hangs the man
TRUST: Ben trust sheriff to give friend fair trial / DISTRUST: Sheriff lets mob take and hang friend.
b. Ben is trampled on as he attempts to save him.
c. Ben’s innocent friend is hung.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
a. The sheriff threatens Ben to “leave well enough alone”.
TWIST- Current Direction: The good sheriff is fair and universally liked / Twist: Turns a blind eye to murder
b. After discovering another “mirror” slaying, Ben declares he will persue murderer. Sheriff fires him.
TRUST: Ben expects sheriff to allow him to pursue murderer / DISTRUST: Sheriff refuses to save face.
c. Ben’s fiance leaves him because of job loss.
TWIST- Current Direction: Happy engagement and moment / Twist: She leaves him for a simple set back.
TRUST: Ben expects fiance to understand his decision / DISTRUST: Fiance breaks engagement
d. Injured as he jumps train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
a. Finds other murders.
MISDIRECT – Murder happens when he’s blacked out after drug use.
b. Treated like a bum as he joins hobos.
CLUE: on a dead hobo, he finds a book of drawings. Death scenes and satanic symbolism. “The coming end”
TRUST: Hobos are kinds to him / DISTRUST: Ben wakes up and everything has been stolen.
MISDIRECT – Ben finds a clue that leads to himself.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
a. Ben is accused and hung for the murders.
TWIST- Current Direction: Sheriff is kind and helpful / Twist: Accuses him of murder and sentences to death.
TRUST- The towns people are kind to him / DISTRUST: The townspeople are quick to accuse and hang him.
b. Severe injury to the neck. But survives.
TWIST- Current Direction: Ben is hung / Twist: Saved by his sheriff and survives.
MISDIRECT – Ben is the only one who has seen the Tall Man. Ben begins to doubt his innocense.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
DISTRUST: Marie keeps him locked up with gun on him / TRUST: Marie saves him.
a. Attempts save the children at the orphanage.
TWIST- Current Direction: Tranquil innocent setting / Twist: attacked by an insane serial murderer.
b. Pursues the Tall Man and fights him.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
a. A peaceful setting with Maria (orphanage ‘mom’) and the children.
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Jeff Hall Gives Great Clues
(Please understand that my “thriller” is not a straight-forward thriller. I believe it is a psychological/thriller. As of now, there are not as many mysteries as these lessons seems to require.)
What I learned doing this assignment is… Every thriller HAS to have questions/mysteries and the audience needs to FEEL like they’re included in the mystery. This is done thru honest clues.
Main Mysteries
Who is this slayer? Food remains at the table, aligns with train schedule, the limp.
How is he slaying so easily? Bent wick, strange occult symbols, mouths open. Book of drawings.
Can an addict loser stand a chance of finding this “ghost” before he slays again? Ben leaves his life behind (job/fiance) pursue this ghost. He struggles with his addiction. Another murder happens when he’s in that town.
As Ben follows the slayings, can he survive the justice-starved citizens? He is hung, he is shot, he is ran out of town.
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
a. Who is slaying?
TWIST- Current Direction: Peaceful night / Twist: Slaying of family
b. Why are the slaying occurring?
CLUE – A table setting left on dining table
CLUE – bloody limping foot print
CLUE – Bent wick
c. The towns deputy, Ben, is depressed, addicted, and unhappy.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
a. Ben’s friend is drug out into the street.
TWIST- Current Direction: Obviously innocent man and moment / Twist: Mob swarms in and hangs the man
TRUST: Ben trust sheriff to give friend fair trial / DISTRUST: Sheriff lets mob take and hang friend.
b. Ben is trampled on as he attempts to save him.
c. Ben’s innocent friend is hung.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
a. The sheriff threatens Ben to “leave well enough alone”.
TWIST- Current Direction: The good sheriff is fair and universally liked / Twist: Turns a blind eye to murder
b. After discovering another “mirror” slaying, Ben declares he will persue murderer. Sheriff fires him.
TRUST: Ben expects sheriff to allow him to pursue murderer / DISTRUST: Sheriff refuses to save face.
c. Ben’s fiance leaves him because of job loss.
TWIST- Current Direction: Happy engagement and moment / Twist: She leaves him for a simple set back.
TRUST: Ben expects fiance to understand his decision / DISTRUST: Fiance breaks engagement
d. Injured as he jumps train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
a. Finds other murders.
b. Treated like a bum as he joins hobos.
CLUE: on a dead hobo, he finds a book of drawings. Death scenes and satanic symbolism. “The coming end”
TRUST: Hobos are kinds to him / DISTRUST: Ben wakes up and everything has been stolen.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
a. Ben is accused and hung for the murders.
TWIST- Current Direction: Sheriff is kind and helpful / Twist: Accuses him of murder and sentences to death.
TRUST- The towns people are kind to him / DISTRUST: The townspeople are quick to accuse and hang him.
b. Severe injury to the neck. But survives.
TWIST- Current Direction: Ben is hung / Twist: Saved by his sheriff and survives.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
DISTRUST: Marie keeps him locked up with gun on him / TRUST: Marie saves him.
a. Attempts save the children at the orphanage.
TWIST- Current Direction: Tranquil innocent setting / Twist: attacked by an insane serial murderer.
b. Pursues the Tall Man and fights him.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
a. A peaceful setting with Maria (orphanage ‘mom’) and the children.
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Jeff Hall’s Dramatic Reveals
What I learned is… Best to keep info from the audience and reveal them in a dramatic way.
1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.
The affair between the sheriff and the fiance.
Ben’s drug addiction.
The Tall Man’s reason and method of slaughter.
3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:
A. What is the reveal? Sheriff sleeping with fiance
B. How did it get covered up? Secret trysts.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Sheriff can not be found.
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Ben walks in on them in bed.
4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.
A. What is the reveal? Ben is addicted to opium.
B. How did it get covered up? Uses it in secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben has red glossy eyes at times. Ben sometimes just can not function.
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Maria relies on him to protect the children, but he is incapacitated when needed.
4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.
A. What is the reveal? Tall Man’s motivation
B. How did it get covered up? He operates at night
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Strange incantations.
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. He takes off his clothes revealing body completely tattooed with occult/satanic symbols.
4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.
5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map.
1. Ben’s future marriage is the only good thing happening in his life. His boss the sheriff and his fiance completely betray him and ruin his life. Puts him on the verge of suicide.
2. Ben’s has been addicted to opium since his father’s passing. He’s been keeping it a secret for years.
3. The Tall Man has been collecting the souls of his victims for years. This is his drug.
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Lesson 10
Jeff Hall’s Trust Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is… Deceptive relationships play an important role in this genre. Always keep the audience guessing. I will be adding more of these situations upon rewrite.
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
a. Who is slaying?
TWIST- Current Direction: Peaceful night / Twist: Slaying of family
b. Why are the slaying occurring?
c. The towns deputy, Ben, is depressed, addicted, and unhappy.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
a. Ben’s friend is drug out into the street.
TWIST- Current Direction: Obviously innocent man and moment / Twist: Mob swarms in and hangs the man
TRUST: Ben trust sheriff to give friend fair trial / DISTRUST: Sheriff lets mob take and hang friend.
b. Ben is trampled on as he attempts to save him.
c. Ben’s innocent friend is hung.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
a. The sheriff threatens Ben to “leave well enough alone”.
TWIST- Current Direction: The good sheriff is fair and universally liked / Twist: Turns a blind eye to murder
b. After discovering another “mirror” slaying, Ben declares he will pursue murderer. Sheriff fires him.
TRUST: Ben expects sheriff to allow him to pursue murderer / DISTRUST: Sheriff refuses to save face.
c. Ben’s fiance leaves him because of job loss.
TWIST- Current Direction: Happy engagement and moment / Twist: She leaves him for a simple set back.
TRUST: Ben expects fiance to understand his decision / DISTRUST: Fiance breaks engagement
d. Injured as he jumps train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
a. Finds other murders.
b. Treated like a bum as he joins hobos.
TRUST: Hobos are kinds to him / DISTRUST: Ben wakes up and everything has been stolen.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
a. Ben is accused and hung for the murders.
TWIST- Current Direction: Sheriff is kind and helpful / Twist: Accuses him of murder and sentences to death.
TRUST- The towns people are kind to him / DISTRUST: The townspeople are quick to accuse and hang him.
b. Severe injury to the neck. But survives.
TWIST- Current Direction: Ben is hung / Twist: Saved by his sheriff and survives.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
DISTRUST: Marie keeps him locked up with gun on him / TRUST: Marie saves him.
a. Attempts save the children at the orphanage.
TWIST- Current Direction: Tranquil innocent setting / Twist: attacked by an insane serial murderer.
b. Pursues the Tall Man and fights him.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
a. A peaceful setting with Maria (orphanage ‘mom’) and the children.
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Lesson 9
Jeff Hall’s Twist and Turns
What I learned doing this assignment is… consistent twists are a pivotal part of a thriller. I will stay mindful of this upon rewrites.
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
a. Who is slaying?
TWIST- Current Direction: Peaceful night / Twist: Slaying of family
b. Why are the slaying occurring?
c. The towns deputy, Ben, is depressed, depressed, unhappy.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
a. Ben’s friend is drug out into the street.
TWIST- Current Direction: Obviously innocent man and moment / Twist: Mob swarms in and hangs the man
b. Ben is trampled on as he attempts to save him.
c. Ben’s innocent friend is hung.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
a. The sheriff threatens Ben to “leave well enough alone”.
TWIST- Current Direction: The good sheriff is fair and universally liked / Twist: Turns a blind eye to murder
b. After discovering another “mirror” slaying, Ben declares he will pursue murderer. Sheriff fires him.
c. Ben’s fiance leaves him because of job loss.
Twist- Current Direction: Happy engagement and moment / Twist: She leaves him for a simple set back.
d. Injured as he jumps train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
a. Finds other murders.
b. Treated like a bum as he joins hobos.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
a. Ben is accused and hung for the murders.
Twist- Current Direction: Sheriff is kind and helpful / Twist: Accuses him of murder and sentences to death.
b. Severe injury to the neck. But survives.
Twist- Current Direction: Ben is hung / Twist: Saved by his sheriff and survives.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
a. Attempts save the children at the orphanage.
Twist- Current Direction: Tranquil setting / Twist: attacked by an insane serial murderer.
b. Pursues the Tall Man and fights him.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
a. A peaceful setting with Maria (orphanage ‘mom’) and the children.
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Lesson 7
Jeff Hall’s Thriller Plot
What I learned is… to carefully structure the action with a steadily increasing momentum.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
2. Inside your structure, fill in the gaps with the Life Threatening situations, Mysteries, and Villain’s plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you from getting confused.
OPENING: Mysterious slaughter of family by unknown killer. Protagonist, Ben, gets high off opium.
a. Who is slaying?
b. Why are the slaying occurring?
c. The towns deputy, Ben, is depressed, depressed, unhappy.
INCITING INCIDENT: Ben’s innocent friend is accused and hung for the murder.
a. Ben’s friend is drug out into the street.
b. Ben is trampled on as he attempts to save him.
c. Ben’s innocent friend is hung.
TURNING POINT 1: Ben is forced to quit job/lose fiance in order to pursue the real murderer. Jumps the train.
a. The sheriff threatens Ben to “leave well enough alone”.
b. After discovering another mirror slaying, Ben declares he will pursue murderer. Sheriff fires him.
c. Ben’s fiance leaves him because of job loss.
d. Injured as he jumps train.
MIDPOINT: He uncovers a trail of countless murders done by cover of night.
a. Finds other murders.
b. Treated like a bum as he joins hobos.
TURNING POINT 2: In the next town, Ben is accused and hung for another slaying. Barely survives.
a. Ben is accused and hung for the murders.
b. Severe injury to the neck. But survives.
CLIMAX: The serial murderer attempts to murder all the children in orphanage.
a. Attempts save the children at the orphanage.
b. Pursues the Tall Man and fights him.
RESOLUTION: Ben defeats the murderer and settles in to care for the children.
a. A peaceful setting with Maria (orphanage ‘mom’) and the children.
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LESSON 7
Jeff Hall’s Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned is…create many potential threats to your hero. Keep the threats coming! This is a roller coaster not lazy river!
1. What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?
My Antagonist, The Tall Man, has an addiction to breathing in souls as they die. He HAS to kill. He has been doing this for years without detection. He lays a trail of death. My Hero, Ben, realizes a trend and follow a trail of death. By doing this he becomes a suspect and accused of multiple murders. He also is in constant threat of being murdered by the Tall Man. By leaving his home, this has cost him his job and his fiance.
2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
Loss of job, all his relationships including future wife, bodily harm, injury, poverty, starvation, exposure, death, hanging, being brutally slaughtered.
3. From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.
Job loss, fiance, injury, hunger, exposure, almost hung, and poverty.
4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.
a. Ben is trampled as he attempts to save his friend from being strung up.
b. Loses his job for his decision to go after the villain.
c. Loses his fiance for losing his job.
b. Nearly punished for the murder done by the Tall Man.
e. Injured, as he falls off train as he flees to next town.
f. Almost freezes from sleeping in the elements.
e. Other hobos steals everything he has.
g. Shot for the murder done by the Tall Man.
h. Nearly his burned in a fire as he saves the children in the orphanage.
i. Life in danger as he fight the Tall Man on a moving train.
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Jeff Hall’s Mystery Sequence
Question… I have no Red Herring currently in my thriller, as i believe this is a Psychological Thriller. Is a Red Herring necessary in this genre?
What i learned is…
Implementing red herrings keeps your audience guessing and deepens the mystery.
Create your mystery sequence. Give us the answer to these questions.
1. What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up? Murdering every child in the orphanage
2. How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries. No one knows he exists. Or he is a ghost/phantom.
3. The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it. The murder of a beloved family in his town.
4. Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.
a. How murdered the first family?
b. Who murdered the second family?
c. How is he choosing his victims?
b. Who will be the next victim.
e. The protagonist is the red herring. He is told he is guilty and begins to believe it (he has an opium addiction).
5. Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.
a. Who is slaughtering these people?
b. Ben is present for each slaughtering.
c. Ben is high on opium every night.
d. Ben is accused and almost hung. Other tell him he’s guilty.
e. Ben begins to believe he may have done it.
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Jeff Hall’s Villain has a Great Plan!
What i learned from this lesson is to have a clear plan for your villain. Complete with motive and back story, either if its not mentioned in the script.
To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:
1. What is the end goal? To breath in as many children’s souls as possible. Kill many children at the same time for the ultimate high… target the orphanage.
2. How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way? Only operate at night and in the shadows so on one will even know he exists.
3. How can they cover it up? Letting the blame fall onto others.
4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
a. He rides the train mingled with other hobos. Exits in small western town. Camps deep in the wood.
b. During the night, he slaughters beloved family… parents and children. He breaths in the souls and gets his high.
c. From the background, he watches the town hang an innocent man.
d. Immediate jumps the train and avoids detection.
e. He repeats this in the next town.
d. Discovers orphanage and wants to experience the ultimate high by killing all of them at the same time.
e. During the night, he gases the orphanage putting them all to sleep. Slaughters them all.
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Jeff Hall’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
I learned from scene stacking SOTL that every scene has layers of complexity. There is never just ONE thing happening. There are multiple intentions, actions, questions, etc. The one important thing I learned is to be PURPOSEFUL with this. Approach each scene with the intent of asking questions and deepening the mystery and plot. PLAN each scene by writing it down. In the future I will chart out my scenes and sequences to purposefully layer the MIS.
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Jeff Hall’s BI Stacking Suspense
1. Keep the audience guessing
2. Create the question/mystery and do not answer until much later.
3. If a question is answered, do not answer it definitively. Create doubt.
4. Build Character’s back story beforehand and slowly reveal.
5. Each scene has multiple layers of questions and questionable intent.
6. Keep the antagonist’s intent a mystery.
7. Start the MIS from the very first frame.
8. Keep layering the MIS. When redrafting, add layers.
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Jeff Hall’s World and Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is that the setting needs to be a reinforce the ‘mood’ of your story.
1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.
A disgraced deputy in a small western town discovers innocent people are being blamed for an onslaught of mysterious slaughters. Can he stop the slayings and survive being hung for the very murders he attempting to stop?
Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? Why are these people being murdered… will the people keep punishing innocent people?
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded part that will live under the surface for most of the movie?
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? He is chasing a serial murderer that can kill him at any time. He is a new suspicious person in a town where murders have just happened.
2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.
A town in the wild west is recently blessed with being added to the train route…but the train doesn’t always bring blessing.
3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:
Benjamin
A. What is the mystery of this character? He was disgraced by his father.
B. What is the suspense of this character? He is chasing a murderer that he does not know what he looks like.
C. What is the intrigue of this character? Will he be killed before finding the murderer? Can he find the murderer.
The Tall Man
A. What is the mystery of this character? Who is he?… is he real or a ghost?
B. What is the suspense of this character? When will he strike next?
C. What is the intrigue of this character? Why is he killing?
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Jeff Hall’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is to be clear and absolute about your protagonist and antagonist goal.
A disgraced deputy in a small western town discovers innocent people are being blamed for an onslaught of mysterious slaughters. Can he stop the slayings and survive being hung for the very murders he attempting to stop?
1. What are the conventions of your story?
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Ben
Dangerous Villain: The Tall Man
High stakes: The murder of families and children
Life and death situations: They could hang Ben for murders he did not commit
This story is thrilling because? Many have died… many more can die.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?
Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? Who and why are these families dying?
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? The man, monster or entity wants to murder as many people as possible.
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? He is being blamed for the murders.
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SEVEN – Thriller Conventions
What i learn doing this assignment…
Define the Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense BEFORE starting to write the story.
Movie Chose: SEVEN
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Mills, new detective that not control his emotions.
Dangerous Villain: John doe, cunning religious zealot killing sinners.
High stakes: Villain is murdering sinners.
Life and death situations: The serial murder tries to kill them when they get close. He makes Mills the seventh sin.
This movie is thrilling because? The creative murders
3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?
Big Mystery: Who is murdering? Can they find the serial murderer?
Big Intrigue: Seven deadly sins
Big Suspense: Who is the last victim?
4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?
Tie the main character into the villain’s plans. Make the villain’s plan INTERESTING and visually appealing.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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1. Jeff Hall
2. approx 10
3. To become a professional script writer.
4. I buy real estate, play guitar, and write songs.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Jeff Hall
I agree to the terms
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Jeff Hall’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that the audience needs and expects to feel these emotions when they watch a horror movie. If they do not feel these emotions, it will not be a good movie.
apprehension/anxiety, surprise, and shock.
Ext. Day – Delapidated House
1. Family pulls up to they’re new house. It is delapidated and bought sight-unseen.
2. They explore the house. Occult symbols on the wall. Candles in a pattern.
3. Hears something in the closet. Started by rodent.
4. Shocked by dead body in the room.
Ext. Day – Delapidated House
An older car pulls up to a Delapidated house.
Ron excited “This is it.”
Ada unhappy “Umm. Can we give it back?”
Zoe apprehensive “It looks scary”
Lynn excited “it has a back yard!”.
The family gets out of the car and approaches. Ron uses a crow bar to get into the front door.
Ada “Maybe the kids should stay out until you make sure its…safe”.
The door gives. Lynn runs in past excited.
Int. Day – Delapidated House
The house is a wreck. Trash and items all over the floor and surfaces. Ron stares at a strange painting of a creature that is half man and half goat. Odd symbols. On the floor, the remains of five candles lay in a large circle.
Ada walks in “Oh my God, I am NOT living here.”
Ron “I know its a mess, but we’ll clean and fix it up. You pick the colors (smiles). Before you know it, you’ll love it”.
Zoe “What’s that sound?”
From the closet, a rustling sound.
Ron opens it, a raccoon hisses. Ron jumps, girls scream.
Ron closes it, “Girls, get in the other room.”
Lynn and Zoe go into a filthy bedroom and nervously close the door.
Ron and Ada user a broom and awkwardly attempt to shoe away the rodent.
Zoe sits on the bed. She pushes the heavy blankets away and uncovers a body.
Zoe screams. Lynn screams. The body decayed…skin on bone. Parts of it eaten.
Ron and Ada burst the door open.
Ada “Oh my God”. She shepherds the girls out of the house.
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LESSON 9
ACT 1
Ext. Day – House
Family pulls up to old dilapidated house, their new home. Inside, there are occult signs.
Dead woman found in bed. Lynn screams. Zoey is in shot. Ada regrets. Ron fixes.
Int. Day – House
Family moves into house. Begin repairs and updates.
Urine dripping from ceiling, Ron sets traps for the animal(s) in the attic.
Ext. Day – Front Yard
John, the neighbor, warns that he has seen paranormal activity in the house.
Ada reassures kids that “There are no such thing as ghosts”
Int. Night – House
Footsteps in the attic. Something is indeed in the house.
Sounds in the attic, walls, crawl space.
Parents blame it on the wind, animal, house settling
Int. Morning – House
Zoey wakes up with scratches.
Parents are confused and apprehensive. Self inflicted? Animal?
Int. Night – House
Children claim to see a woman.
Parents convince them they are imagining a ghost.
Kitchen is torn up, so they buy larger traps.
Act 2
Int. Night – bedroom
the monster traps Zoey in her bed.
Zoey Scream/Petrified. Parents burst in and Entity is gone. Zoey is complete hysterical.
Immediately another scare, they flee to neighbors.
Int. Night – House
Paranormal Investigators find evidence.
Curiosity. Fear.
Int. Night – House
Feral woman falls from the ceiling. Everyone panics. Blocks door.
An investigator’s body falls from the ceiling.
Feral woman grabs/kills another investigator and drags into the attic.
Act 3
Int. Night – House
Feral woman kidnaps Lynn. Takes to crawl space / her nest.
No one can get to her nest…accept Zoe.
Int. Night – Crawl Space
Zoe crawls into the nest and rescues Lynn.
Monster escapes.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Jeff Hall’s Character Journey Track
A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: ZOE
Traits: adventurous / strong / expresses opinion
Fears: tight spaces?
Wants/Needs : Wants a real “home” / connect to sister after losing brother
Likability / Rooting factors:
How they react under stress: shut down
Relationship with other characters: strained with family due to stress of move/lose of brother
B. What is their Character Journey for this story? Learn to overcome Claustaphobia / resolve relationship with sister.
Character Intro: discovers dead body / shutdown
Denial: ??
Their reaction at first horror: shutdown
Relation to group after first horror: does not want to be in this house
How they fight back: she does not, until the end… she talks to the monster.
End Point: loves sister unconditionally
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Survival/monster can be reasoned with
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A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: LYNN
Traits: Timid / weak / nice / submissive
Fears: The unknown
Wants/Needs: does not want her sister to hate her
Likability / Rooting factors: very likable
How they react under stress: rely on others/ask for help
Relationship with other characters: gets along/non-confrontational
B. What is their Character Journey for this story? Dependent/self-dependent.
Character Intro: Finding body and screaming
Denial: The monster is a friend and can live with them
Their reaction at first horror: scream
Relation to group after first horror: clingy
How they fight back: Screams for help
End Point: Helps herself / takes action to resolve her problem
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Survival/The monster is lonely
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A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: RON
Traits: Leader / father / problem solver / financial stresses
Fears: the family falling apart
Wants/Needs: Safe family under one roof
Likability / Rooting factors: distant toward others
How they react under stress: Logical / maps out steps to resolving issue.
Relationship with other characters: Loves family / cautious with everything else
B. What is their Character Journey for this story? Learns to trust people / trust daughters
Character Intro: Proud father buying first family home
Denial: His daughters need him 24/7
Their reaction at first horror: protect the family
Relation to group after first horror: “circle the wagons”/protect
How they fight back: action / secures house
End Point: Lets go of Zoe so she can save Lynn
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? ??
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A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: ADA
Traits: loving mother / home maker /
Fears: losing another child / marriage is over
Wants/Needs: Make the house a home / heal after son’s death
Likability / Rooting factors: stress causes her to be distant
How they react under stress: cries
Relationship with other characters: loves family and over protects them
B. What is their Character Journey for this story? (stress to action)
Character Intro: cries / over protection
Denial: the house is not haunted
Their reaction at first horror: cries
Relation to group after first horror: fearful of lose
How they fight back: cries turn to anger
End Point: Strength and takes action/she is the one who retrieves zoe/lynn from under the monster’s layer.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? ????
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A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: JOHN
Traits: tortured / sees supernatural beings / alcoholic
Fears: Being alone / rejection
Wants/Needs: family / acceptance
Likability / Rooting factors: not very likable / bitterness
How they react under stress: calm
Relationship with other characters: tries to get them to like him
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Intoxicated
Denial: believes that his ability is punishment/bad thing.
Their reaction at first horror: grossed out / dumbfound / unbelievable
Relation to group after first horror: confused
How they fight back: assists Ron
End Point: Accepts his gifts / finds blood trail into the woods
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? ????
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Jeff Hall’s Monster Reveal Track
What I learned doing this assigned is reveal needs to be cautious but deliberate… discreet and clear.
1. Create each part of this model:
A. Who is your monster and what is their terror? This small feral woman needs to protect her “nest”. She protects it like the most wildest of animals… teeth and claw.
Powers? Spurts of extraordinary strength and agility.
Limitations? Human
Weaknesses? Lonely and frightened
Plan/Purpose/Appetite? Protect nest and take Lynn for her own.
B. Sequence the reveals.
shadow at the window
Long black hair in food.
Food is missing
urine dripping from the ceiling
muddy foot prints in the house
C. Create Demand for each clue/reveal.
2. Lay that over your current outline and fill in each clue/reveal using the tag “Monster Reveal:.”
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established – Old damaged house with dead body inside.
Monster Reveal: Shadow
Connect with the characters – Family moves into house, hard work, kids at play.
The characters are warned not to do it. – Neighbor warns around paranormal activity.
Denial of Horror – Parents, Ada and Rob reassure that there are no such things as ghosts
Safety taken away – something is in there new home
Monster: The nature of the beast. An entity is disturbing them and destroying their home.. and something has scratching/injuring the kids.
Monster Reveal: Missing food
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – new home, no money, can not move or stay elsewhere.
One of us killed. Rob is seriously injured.
Monster Reveal: Urine drips through the ceiling.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Monster Reveal: Rob is stratched up by something in the attic.
Full pursuit by the killer – Feral woman crashes out of the ceiling.
Terrorized – A Paranormal Investigater is found dead.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Monster Reveal: Feral woman crashes out of the ceiling.
Fight to the death – She attacks Rob and several Paranormal Investigaters.
Hysteria – Blood, screams, back door blocked by debri, She blocks front. Kids hide in bedroom.
The thrilling escape from death – Rob and other PI’s is left gravely injured.
Death returns to take one or more. She grabs another PI and drags him into the attic. Lynn disappears.
Resolution – Zoey gets through to the Feral Woman’s layer and saves Lynn.
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Jeff Hall’s Character
What I learned doing this assignment is… It is very important to reveal what your monster is capable of doing.
Character Death 1: Paranormal Investigator 1
Why: To show the audience what the woman is capable of
How: Slices his throat with claws
Character Death 2: Paranormal Investigator 2
Why: To show how the woman kills
How: She literally digs a hole in their torso within seconds
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jeff Hall.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Jeff Hall’s Horror Situation Track
Lesson 5
Horror Situation Brainstorm…
Trapped – fight/confusion
Kidnapped – lynn is comforted
Whispers in the night – denial
the monster creeping around the house at night – scream/cry
Monster falling thru ceiling – fight
Monster attacking with claws – fight
Monster biting – fight
Sounds in the attic – investage
Sounds in the wall – denial
Sounds in the crawl space – denial
Urine stains on the ceiling (dripping)
Bugs – fight
Find old lady dead in bed – scream/cry
Dead animals – gross
Wake up with injuries – denial
tapping – investigate
shadows in the night – scream/cry
shadow in the closet – petrafied
Monster trap girl in bed – scream
Drag someone to the attic – Fighting
Scratching sounds – Denial
The neighbor in ominous – Ignore
Targets oldest Daughter – Scratches, traps her in bed (face to face)
ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: Old dilapidated house. Occult signs.
Horror Situation: Dead woman found in bed.
Reaction – Screams. Fear. Regret.
Horror Situation: Urine dripping from ceiling
Reaction – Grossed out. Buy traps for animals.
Connect with the characters: Family moves into house. Begin repairs and updates.
The characters are warned not to do it: Neighbor warns that he has seen paranormal activity in the house.
Denial of Horror: “There are no such thing as ghosts”
Safety taken away: Physical evidence. Something is indeed in the house.
Horror Situation: Sounds in the attic, walls, crawl space.
Reaction – Denial: Wind, animal, house settling
Horror Situation: Wake up with scratches.
Reaction – Confused and apprehensive. Self inflicted? Animal?
Horror Situation: Children claim to see a woman.
Reaction – Denial: Parents convince them they are imagining a ghost.
Monster: The nature of the beast: Survival and Loneliness
Horror Situation: Kitchen is torn up.
Reaction: Denial. Buy larger traps.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Physical Evidence. Flee to neighbors.
Horror Situation: Zoey is trapped in bed.
Reaction: Scream/Petrified. Parents burst in and Entity is gone.
Horror Situation: Paranormal Investigators find evidence.
Reaction: Curiosity. Fear.
Horror Situation: Feral woman falls from the ceiling.
Reaction – panic
Character Death: Investigator falls from the ceiling.
Another investigator is dragged into the attic.
2. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
Horror situations need to be constant!
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Jeff Hall’s Horror Plot
LESSON 4
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established – Old damaged house with dead body inside.
Connect with the characters – Family moves into house, hard work, kids at play.
The characters are warned not to do it. – Neighbor warns around paranormal activity.
Denial of Horror – Parents, Ada and Rob reassure that there are no such things as ghosts
Safety taken away – something is in there new home
Monster: The nature of the beast. An entity is disturbing them and destroying their home.. and something has scratching/injuring the kids.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – new home, no money, can not move or stay elsewhere.
One of us killed. Rod is serious injured.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer – Feral woman crashes out of the ceiling.
Terrorized – A Paranormal Investigater is found dead.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death – She attacks Rob and several Paranormal Investigaters.
Hysteria – Blood, screams, back door blocked by debri, She blocks front. Kids hide in bedroom.
The thrilling escape from death – Rob and other PI’s is left gravely injured.
Death returns to take one or more. She grabs another PI and drags him into the attic. Lynn disappears.
Resolution – Zoey gets through to the Feral Woman’s layer and saves Lynn.
2. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
The victims need to be isolated. Or do they?? Other “haunted” movies do not have isolated houses.
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Jeff Hall’s Characters for Horror
1. Tell us your Concept and the Group you have chosen. Social Group / Family
2. Tell us the Dying Pattern of this movie. B. The characters experience the terror and survive together, but one or two die.
3. Give us an Identity and a sentence for each character that makes up your group.
ROB – Leader. Does not run from inaginary ghosts. Wise enough to know when they need to do something about this haunting.
ADA – Moral One. Wants everyone to do the right thing. Do not lie about ghosts.
ZOEY – Rescuer. She tries to convince everyone of the truth. She enters the “dragon’s layer” and rescues Lynn
LYNN – Innocent. She interacts with the monster and the monster does not harm her.
JOHN – Introvert/Loner. Does not want to talk about his paranormal life. But when needed to save the family, he helps.
Investigator 1 – Monster Bait
Investigator 2 – Monster Bait
Investigator 3 – Monster Bait
4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
Each character should have separate roles/characteristics.
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Jeff Hall’s Terrifying Monster
1. Tell us what or who your monster is.
Ferral woman.
2. Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:
Their Terror: A physical entity is “haunting” a young family. Family tries to cast out the “ghost”. Can rapidly scratch someone to death… literally scratch a hole in their torso. Can rip flesh with teeth. She kills anything that is a threat. She is very quiet and hides well, so she can kill before they know what is happening.
Their Mystery: Dead woman found in new house. There is something making sounds in the attic and crawl space. Something is eating their food. An entity is terroring one child. Something has befriended the other.
Their Fear Provoking Appearance: Silently appears over the child while she sleeps. Face to face with child. Can not escape. Grotesque, face, breath, saliva. Filthy, long hair, claws, teeth, wild eyes, tattered clothes, scars.
Their Rules: no speech, acts like any wild creature, lives off of other creatures (bugs, rodents, garbage), simply wants to survive. Jumps longer than usual. Hides well.
Their Mythology: possibly supernatural elements.
3. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
Yes, my monster should be interesting and different, but also they’re actions need to be interesting and different.
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The Conjuring
Title / Concept: The Conjuring/Demon Haunts Family
Terrorize The Characters: Kills dog,clap, sleep tugs,
Isolation: house in country
Death: possesses the mother
Monster/Villain: demon/Rory
High Tension: exorcism
Departure from Reality: demon possession
Moral Statement: Love for family overcomes evil
4. With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.
Concept: Family haunted by entity
Terrorize The Characters: smells, sounds, visitations,
Isolation: no money to stay anywhere else / no close relatives
Death: Kills an investigator, injures father
Monster/Villain: feral women
High Tension: Something is in the house
Departure from Reality: supernatural elements/witchcraft simbols/real ghost
Moral Statement: Love can heal
5. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
Horror can have moral statement
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Jeff Hall’s Logline and One Page
What I learned: How to create a logline.
Log Line 1:
A disgraced deputy discovers a string of gruesome murders are connected. He must leave everything behind to stop the slaughtering of countless victims.
Log Line 2:
After his innocent best friend is hung for brutal murders, a deputy discovers the murders are part of a string of gruesome slayings. He must leave everything behind to stop his ghost-like serial killer.
One Page Summary:
A tall man in black silently slaughters a family in their sleep. Each member, suffers one blow in the head with an ax. Blood splatters upon the walls. We hear sounds of him inhaling loudly.
Deputy Ben Cole has a slow-minded friend, Roy, discovers the bodies and is
immediately accused of it. The town rises up and Ben can not get his sheriff
to stop them, even though he possess the power to do so. Ben physically tries to stop the mob, but is assaulted by them. Watches his innocent best friend die. Ben examines the crime seen and finds the same crime has happened in the next town, just east of them. They are connected by the Railroad and the killer’s campsite is adjacent to the tracks. Presenting this to his sheriff, he is forbidden to investigate any further. Someone has already been punished for that crime and the sheriff does not want anything to hinder his re-election.
Ben discovers his fiance is sleeping with the sheriff. He nearly kills him. Emptying his gun all around them. The deputy throws his gun and badge at the sheriff and jumps the train.
Aboard the train, hobos rob Ben of all his money and belongings and throw him off the train in the next town. With his last few coins, he joins a poker game in an attempt to gain more. He loses and can not pay for his drinks and they throw him out.
Speaking with the local sheriff, Ben attempts to explain that he will be looking for a murderer. The sheriff responds with suspicion and warns him about disrupting his peaceful town. Ben hides in the shadows and watches the town.
He gains employment as a hand at a local farm. He finds they’re dogs have been killed. The family feeds him and allows him to sleep in the barn. He wakes early and see a strange Tall Man standing in the distance. Ben enters the house and finds the entire family murdered. Exiting the house, Ben chases after the Tall Man but he has disappeared. In town, he informs the sheriff who immediately locks him up. Shortly after, the entire town shows up to punish their suspicious newcomer. The sheriff tries to stop them, but his tied up. They drag him through the streets to the hanging tree.
They pull him up by the neck and as Ben’s life leaves, the sheriff arrives. A rifleman fires from the roof top at the man. The rope is released and Ben falls to the ground… alive. The sheriff had telegraphed Ben’s sheriff who came to make things right. However, in all the chaos Ben slips onto the train and disappears.
Ben’s sheriff follows him, but is killed by the Tall Man. As the sheriff dies, the Tall Man places his mouth of the sheriff’s mouth and inhales. Pleasure and extacy in his eyes.
At the next town, Ben arrives penniless, mute, and destitute. But still determines to find his Tall Man, he attempts be unseen. The broken man appears homeless and is ignored by most and glared at by others. Two young orphans give him candy and seeing his condition, they bring Maria, their “mother” from the orphanage. She takes him in for a few days and nurses him back to health. He can barely speak, but warns her about the slayer coming this way and convinces her to bolt the windows and doors. Once recovered, Ben remains on watch in the town.
Ben sees a tall man and follows him. At night, that man enters a farm house with something that appears a hatchet. Panicked, he runs into the house and assaults the man, who is revealed to be the tall teenage son of the house. The father grabs his gun and gives chase. Ben runs into town and hides in an alley in the darkness of night. The father meets the Tall Man in the middle of the street. Ben sees an ax come down on his head. The Tall Man places his mouth of the man’s mouth and inhales the soul as it leaves. Then, he drags the body away. Ben finds the local sheriff who puts him in temporary holding.
The man’s wife hears what happened and comes to kill Ben. She shoots at the trapped prisoner who hides behind his mattress. He’s hit with several pellets from the shotgun. She unlocks the door and he uses the mattress to push the woman down. He manages to escape and flee down an alley and up onto a rooftop. Hysterically she tries to find him and inadvertently shoots the sheriff, killing him.
During this time, Ben sees the Tall Man set fire to the hay around the parameter of the orphanage. The flame immediate grows high. The Tall Man climbs on the roof and brings his ax down onto the roof. The doors and windows are bolted and the children are trapped. As Maria and others attempt to put out the fire, Ben jumps off the roof and climbs onto the burning building. The Tall Man has created a hole and is inhaling over that hole…awaiting the children’s souls. Ben strikes the man and they fight. Ben crashes through the roof and is able to open the door. Most of the children are saved. When one dies, he hears the train whistle. Ben jumps on a horse and chases the train. He barely makes it on board.
Ben searches the train and finally finds the Tall Man. They fight. Ben has no weapon and attempts to avoid the ax. Ben is out strengthed and out-weaponed. As the train cross a river, Ben is pushed off and barely hangs onto the edge. As the ax rises, he grabs the leg of the tall man and pulls. They both descend into the river. In mid-air, Ben grabs a hold of the ax and does not let go. They plunge into the water and tumble through the strong current. Barely surviving, Ben crawls onto the shore possessing the ax.
Ben helps with rebuilding the orphanage. He holds Maria’s hand.