Jeff Cochran
Forum Replies Created
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Logline: Squire knows something and he plans to use it to win Nancy back.
Essence: Two people want something from each other.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – EVENING
Nancy is scanning her open laptop and furiously taking notes. NANCY (mid-30s) tall blonde with a ponytail.
SQUIRE (mid-30s) strolls in with his hands in his pockets, tie hanging loosely from his neck.
Nancy glances at him.
NANCY
You’re late.
SQUIRE
Five minutes.
NANCY
Eight minutes.
SQUIRE
And here I was looking forward to spending some quality time with you.
She laughs.
NANCY
That’s not ever happening again. Sit, we have a lot to do.
SQUIRE
I have something that could save us some time.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Karen gave me a list of items that are, as she put it, must-haves for the event.
NANCY
Great. Well, let’s have a look.
He taps his phone and her laptop chimes.
Squire slides into a chair next to her, leaning in.
She’s reading the list.
NANCY
Is she kidding? This is a retirement party, not a royal ball.
Why’d she send these to you and not both of us?
SQUIRE
I have no idea.
NANCY
Dammit, I’ve already done a ton of work on this. And this completely screws what I’ve done.
SQUIRE
Sorry, not my call.
NANCY
Well, some of these items just won’t do. Mr. Roberts hates sushi and he’ll never go for a live rock band. I thought she knew him better than that. It is his retirement party after all.
Squire runs a finger down her arm.
SQUIRE
Has it occurred to you that Karen might know him better than we think?
She ignores his touch.
NANCY
Whatever. We’re sending Roberts off in style.
SQUIRE
What do you want me to work on?
NANCY
You find this old video game she wants. I’ll have to fix the caterer’s menu now.
SQUIRE
You should add those Swedish meatballs. You know Roberts loves those.
She smiles and becomes animated.
NANCY
That’s a great idea. I forgot about those.
Squire scans his phone when his eyes shift to Nancy.
SQUIRE
What do you think these changes will mean for us? Do you think there will be a promotion or two in the works?
NANCY
It makes sense they’ll promote from within. That’s how they’ve always done it in the past.
SQUIRE
I promise I won’t forget you.
She laughs and turns to him.
NANCY
Oh, honey, do you really think your little playboy ways are going to get you anywhere in this place?
SQUIRE
All I’m saying is if things work out, I might be able to help you along.
NANCY
I think Karen might have something to say about that.
SQUIRE
I don’t think she’s sticking around. She’s Roberts’s little plaything and she’s done when he leaves.
Nancy looks shocked.
NANCY
What makes you so sure?
He pulls his phone up next to her ear and taps a button.
Audio emanates from the phone. Two people breathing heavily.
KAREN (O.S.)
Are you sure about this?
ROBERTS (O.S.)
This last bit of marketing data will make us millions from the right competitor. Just a little longer, you and I will be set up for life and rid of this shit hole company forever.
Nancy stares at him, expressionless.
SQUIRE
I’ve already got the ball rolling. Soon, I’ll be able to give you whatever your heart desires. If you’ll let me.
Nancy’s lips curl into a smile. Squire breathes a sigh and also smiles.
NANCY
Did you hear that, sir?
The conference room door opens. Mr. Roberts steps in, holding his cell phone. Following him are two security guards, dressed in black suits.
ROBERTS
That I did.
Roberts looks from Nancy to Squire. The color runs out of Squire’s face.
ROBERTS
I had a hell of a time imagining who had squealed. Oddly, balls aren’t something I ever associated with you.
Squire looks to Nancy and back again.
SQUIRE
I, ah . . .
ROBERTS
Yeah, save it.
Roberts turns to the black suits.
ROBERTS
Take him out down by the docks and hold him at site B. I’ll be in contact later with further instructions.
The two suits pull Squire from his chair and haul him through the door.
Roberts sits down next to Nancy.
ROBERTS
Now, let’s discuss you.
He runs a finger down her arm. She smiles, and cuddles up real close. -
Logline: While planning a retirement party, Squire turns on the charm to begin planning a blackmail campaign.
Essence: Squire is trying to get Nancy involved in a scheme to blackmail the Exec., Mr. Roberts and Squire’s manager, Karen.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – EVENING
Nancy is scanning her open laptop and taking notes furiously. NANCY (mid-30s) tall blonde with a ponytail.
SQUIRE (mid-30s) strolls in with his hands in his pockets, tie hanging loosely from his neck.
Nancy glances at him.
NANCY
You’re late.
SQUIRE
Five minutes.
NANCY
Eight minutes.
SQUIRE
And here I was looking forward to spending some quality time with you.
She laughs.
NANCY
That’s not happening ever again. Sit, we have a lot to do.
SQUIRE
I have something that could save us some time.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Karen gave me a list of items that are, as she put it, must-haves for the event.
He taps his smartphone and her laptop chimes.
NANCY
Great. Well, let’s have a look.
Squire slides into a chair next to her, leaning in.
NANCY
Is she kidding? This is a retirement party, not a royal ball.
Why’d she send these to you and not both of us?
SQUIRE
I have no idea. She gave this to me verbally just a few minutes ago. That’s why I was late.
NANCY
Dammit, I’ve already done a ton of work on this. And this completely screws me.
SQUIRE
Sorry, not my call.
NANCY
Well, some of these items just won’t do. Mr. Roberts hates sushi and he’ll never go for a live rock band. I thought she knew him better than that. And, it is his retirement party.
Squire runs a finger down her arm.
SQUIRE
Has it occurred to you that Karen might just be playing to the incoming executive’s tastes, Not Roberts? She ignores his touch.
NANCY
I don’t care, we’re sending Roberts off in style.
SQUIRE
Whatever you say.
He leans back in his chair.
SQUIRE
What do you want me to work on?
NANCY
How about you find this old video game she wants? I’ve almost finished with a caterer’s menu.
SQUIRE
You should add those Swedish meatballs. You know Roberts loves those.
She smiles and becomes animated.
NANCY
That’s a great idea. I forgot about those.
Squire scans his phone when his eyes shift to Nancy.
SQUIRE
What do you think these changes will mean for us? Do you think there will be a promotion or two in the works?
NANCY
It makes sense they’ll promote from within. That’s how they’ve always done it in the past.
SQUIRE
Well, I promise I won’t forget you if you don’t forget me.
NANCY
Honey, you were forgotten after that last little stunt of yours.
SQUIRE
Oh, come on, I didn’t know you we’re that serious.
She turns to him, a stern look on her face.
NANCY
I’m always serious.
SQUIRE
Look, I’m serious here. If I’m promoted to director, I can bring you along. What happened is in the past, and I want to make amends.
NANCY
I was under the impression Karen had you under her little finger.
SQUIRE
So does she. But truth be told, I don’t think she’s going anywhere. She’s Roberts’s little plaything and she’s done when he leaves.
NANCY
What makes you so sure?
He pulls his phone up next to her ear and clicks a button.
Audio emanates from the phone. Two people breathing heavily.
KAREN (O.S.)
Are you sure about this?
ROBERTS (O.S.)
This last bit of marketing data will make us millions from the right competitor. Just a little longer, you and I will be set up for life and be rid of this shit hole company forever.
SQUIRE
I’ve already got the ball rolling. I’m this close to being set up and I can take you along with me.
Nancy stares at him, expressionless.
NANCY
Did you hear that, sir?
The conference room door opens. Mr. Roberts steps in, holding his cell phone. Following him are two security guards, dressed in black suits.
ROBERTS
That I did.
Roberts looks from Nancy to Squire. The color runs out of Squires’s face.
ROBERTS
I had a hell of a time imagining who had squealed. I never thought of you.
Squire looks to Nancy and back again.
SQUIRE
I, ah . . .
ROBERTS
Yeah, save it.
Roberts turns to the black suits.
ROBERTS
Take out down by the docks and hold him at site b. I’ll be in contact later with further instructions.
The two suits pull Squire from his chair and haul him through the door.
Roberts sits down next to Nancy.
ROBERTS
Now, let’s discuss what you want.
He runs a finger down her arm. She smiles and cuddles up real close. -
Jeff Cochran’s Full-out Characters
Then ANSWER THE QUESTION “What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that pushing the limits of character’s traits can ramp up the drama in my scripts.”
BEGINNING PROFILES:
————–RAY’S PROFILE———————-
DESCRIPTION: RAY is a young engineer’s assistant in the Marine corp who’s only desire is to use his hands and build things.
TRAITS: kind, understanding, tough, giving
SUBTEXT: Ray just goes along with the flow of military life mimicking how he grew up with a strict father and a loving mother.
————–END PROFILE————————
————–KESLEY’S PROFILE———————-
DESCRIPTION: KESLEY’s a young woman living in a post-apocalyptic world who’s only goal is to survive with her with brother and gramps.
TRAITS: Smart, selfless, caring, survivor
SUBTEXT: Kelsey meets Ray in the desert with his weapons and technological marvels and decides he’d be their best bet to survive.
————–END PROFILE————————
————–WELSEY’S PROFILE———————-
DESCRIPTION: WESLEY’S a good old Montana ranch boy raised in a dog-eat-dog world without any respect for women.
TRAITS: Ignorant, Selfish, Brutish, Disrespectful
SUBTEXT: Wesley just wants everyone to get out his way and let him do whatever he wants.
————–END PROFILE————————
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ENDING PROFILES:
————–RAY’S PROFILE 2———————-
DESCRIPTION: RAY is a young Marine and engineer’s assistant who carries a deep anger and resentment for arrogant men like his father who drove his mother to an early grave.
TRAITS: Kind, understanding, impatient, tough
SUBTEXT: Ray joined the military to escape the oppressive life he had at home that nearly led him to killing his father after his mother’s funeral.
————–END PROFILE————————
————–KELSEY’S PROFILE 2———————-
DESCRIPTION: KESLEY was raised in a post-apocalyptic world to survive with her family, and she cares for nothing or nobody else.
TRAITS: Tough, selfless regarding her family, smart, ruthless
SUBTEXT: Kelsey’s only motivation is the survival of her family, until she meets Ray and sees a way to a better life, eventually his kindness causes her to let down her guard and fall in love.
————–END PROFILE————————
————–WESLEY’S PROFILE 2———————-
DESCRIPTION: WESLEY’S a dumb Montana ranch boy who sees his position in the Military as a privilege to take whatever and whoever he wants.
TRAITS: Ignorant, Selfish, Brutish, Violent
SUBTEXT: Wesley’s believes if he wants it he should be able to take it, and when his commanding officer dies, he believes he should take command, along with the privileges that come with command, as in the beautiful young girl curtly sleeping with Ray.
————–END PROFILE————————
-
Feedback for WILLIAM WHALEN — ASSIGNMENT PTE TECHNIQUES 2 rewrite
Hey William.
Nice work. I saw quite a bit of John’s Distrustful trait and Nick’s Conniving trait. I’ve dropped some examples where I saw your use of other traits. I really liked you combination expressing Nick’s conniving trait while supporting John’s loner trait. I’d suggest trying to add in some of the other traits as well. I’d also suggest trying to bring out your character’s traits in the character’s actions.
Examples taken from your scene:
We get to see John’s Loyalty Trait in this dialogue:
[JOHN
Even if I wanted to save your ass I couldn’t do it to Coach K. If it ever came out I shaved points it would ruin both our careers. I could never do that to him — he’s been like a father to me.]
And here, I can see a combo of Nick’s Conniving Trait while supporting John’s Loner Trait:
[NICK
You don’t give a rat’s ass about me, do you? I’m your only friend on the team and you’d throw me under the bus without a second thought wouldn’t you.]
For Nick, you have him telling us about his Giving Trait in this dialogue:
[NICK
I can’t believe this shit — after all I done for you. When you got here three years ago you were some hick from Podunk, Kentucky and I showed you the ropes. I lent you money when you didn’t have a pot to piss in. I let you hang out with me even though you had the social skills of a dork. And this is the way you repay me?]
Best regards,
Jeff
-
Lesson 9 re-write
LOGLINE: John’s been asked to come out of retirement to help police find a kidnapping victim’s suspected abductor is an unstable amateur MMA fighter who admires John.
ESSENCE: John’s distrust has made him an expert at manipulating people into giving up their secrets, and he needs to manipulate Nick into giving up his victim’s location before he leaves the auditorium so the police can rescue her.
INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
The MMA cage stands open. John (32) stands at the back of the cage. Head bowed in meditation. The cacophony of a small crowd drones on.
Then a spot light hits the back entrance. The crowd claps with little enthusiasm. It is only a Tuesday night fight.
Two men run through the crowd, followed by Nick (mid-twenties), muscular, yet skinny for fighter.
His two friends quickly climb to the top rail of the cage and drape a banner over it. “Fuck city council. They can kiss my ass.”
Nick continues to jog through the crowd. He stops just before he reaches the cage. Sitting ringside is a middle aged woman. Upset. Eyes red.
Nick kneels before her and opens his opened finger glove. Inside is a locket on a gold chain.
The woman’s face contorts into pain and torment.
Nick climbs the steps into the cage, like a returning champion. He walks right up to John. Extends both gloved fists. Exchanges fist bumps with John, then turns to his banner and blows it a kiss.
John smiles.
Two friskers walk into the cage. One nods to John and begins his examination of Nick. Nick stands arms out allowing himself to be searched.
The other frisker approaches John. John shakes his head.
JOHN
I’ll wait for the other guy.
NICK
You ain’t making no friends over there, John.
JOHN
You new guys wouldn’t know how to fight fair if you’re mother’s life depended on it.
NICK
Ahh, you ain’t gonna hurt my feelings, John.
JOHN
Night ain’t over yet.
Nick’s frisker is finished and stands. Nick notices an older man in the audience and moves toward him.
NICK
Hey, hey. Remember me, asshole. Never thought I’d get a chance to tell you what a piece of . . .
John moves between them. Stares down old Nick.
NICK
Lookie here. Maybe John does have a friend in the world after all.
The friskers move both men back to their positions.
The new frisker gives John a wink.
FRISKER
Good to have you back, John.
He motions for John to raise his arms.
JOHN
Thanks.
Nick looks over his shoulder to the upset woman. She’s buried her face in a friend’s shoulder.
NICK
Ah, boo hoo. Maybe I should’a kissed her.
JOHN
I bet your neighborhood is glad you’re hanging out with us tonight.
NICK
Nah, my neighborhood loves me.
JOHN
Oh yeah, they like their trash over in Taberville, do they?
NICK
Nah, nah, nah man, you got it all wrong. They appreciate me. I love living where I’m appreciated.
JOHN
North or south of Broadway?
NICK
South, why?
JOHN
(laughing)
They like pimping skinny little whites boy on the south side.
Nick goes after him. The ref and the friskers stop him.
John smiles.
JOHN
You like clowns, Nick?
NICK
Only the crying ones. Why?
JOHN
I heard you loved hanging at the Taberville Theme Park. Wasn’t that you’re jam back in the day?NICK
Until city council voted to condemn it and let those bastards build their condos.
JOHN
Sort a made you cry, huh?
John pouts.
NICK
I’m gonna enjoy beating the hell out of you. What made you come out of retirement?
JOHN
I heard a little punk thought he was better than me. I wanted to meet him.
NICK
Here I am.
JOHN
Nah. Can’t be you. A little Taberville clown like you. Nothing good ever came out of Taberville. Except that old Theme Park.
NICK
You better watch your mouth.
JOHN
How does getting your ass kicked prove anything, Nick? I hope you didn’t lose that job scrubbing toilets. Them Taberville pimps can’t whore you out with your jaw wired shut.
NICK
Fuck the bell, motherfucker. Let’s go right now.
JOHN
Hold on, Nick. You got all night to prove yourself. What’s the rush? Not like you got anything else going on, right?
NICK
Oh, you just wait, motherfucker. Councilman McCarthy is in for . . .
JOHN
I didn’t think you like councilmen, Nick.
NICK
I hate ‘em. Fucking hate ‘em. That motherfucker gonna pay too. Out. The. Ass. Mark my words.
JOHN
Sounds like marking your territory.
Nick rushes him. John throws him to the ground.
JOHN
Is that how they do it in Taberville? On their backsides?
Nick rushes again. This time John has him in a headlock.
Choking him.
JOHN
I hope you got something else to show off to the world. Cause, this ain’t gonna get you far, boy.
The ref taps John’s arm. He lets him go.
Nick is laughing.
NICK
You think I need to kick your ass. I got everything I need bundled up nice and tight. And old councilman McCarthy is . . .
JOHN
You aren’t talking about his daughter’s kidnapping, are you? Hell, they found her thirty minutes ago. She’s safe at home by now.
NICK
There’s no fucking way.
JOHN
Why? Cause you have her bundled up nice and tight. Come on Nick. When have you ever had anything bundled up nice and tight? She got out and called her mom.
NICK
No way. She couldn’t have.
JOHN
I’m telling you, Nick. She’s home. I talked to Detective Franklin just before I changed in the locker room.
Nick stands tall, looking down his nose at John.
NICK
Nah, you’re making that shit up.
JOHN
Alright, impress me, Nick, where do you think you had her?
NICK
In the old train depot south of the condo building site.
Several cops leap from their seats and rush out.
NICK
(yelling)
Where I cut her throat and let her bleed out.
Nick holds his arms in the air, dancing about the ring like he was just declared the winner of the fight.
John sinks to the floor. -
Hello, here’s my QE Cycle #2 re-write.
LOGLINE: John’s been asked to come out of retirement to help police find a kidnapping victim who’s suspected abductor is an unstable amateur MMA fighter who admires John.
ESSENCE: John’s distrust has made him an expert at manipulating people into giving up their secrets, and he needs to manipulate Nick into giving up his victim’s location before he leaves the auditorium so police can rescue her.
INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
The MMA cage stands open. John (32) stands at the back of the cage. Head bowed in meditation. The cacophony of a small crowd drones on.
Then a spot light hits the back entrance. The crowd claps with little enthusiasm. It is only a Tuesday night fight.
Two men run through the crowd, followed by Nick (mid-twenties), muscular, yet skinny for a fighter.
His two friends quickly climb to the top rail of the cage and drape a banner over it. “Fuck city council. They can kiss my ass.”
Nick continues to jog through the crowd. He stops just before he reaches the cage. Sitting ring side is a middle-aged woman. Upset. Eyes red.
Nick kneels before her and opens his opened finger glove. Inside is a locket on a gold chain.
The woman’s face contorts into pain and torment.
Nick climbs the steps into the cage, like a returning champion. He walks right up to John. Extends both gloved fist. Exchanges fist bumps with John, then turns to his banner and blows it a kiss.
John smiles.
Two friskers walk into the cage. One nods to John and begins his examination of Nick. Nick stands arms out allowing himself to be searched.
The other frisker approaches John. John shakes his head.
JOHN
I’ll wait for the other guy.
NICK
You ain’t making no friends over there, John.
JOHN
You new guys wouldn’t know how to fight fair if you’re mother’s life depended on it.
NICK
Ahh, you ain’t gonna hurt my feelings, John.
JOHN
Night ain’t over yet.
Nick’s frisker is finished and stands. Nick notices an older man in the audience and moves toward him.
NICK
Hey, hey. Remember me, asshole. Never thought I’d get a chance to tell you what a piece of . . .
John moves between them. Stares down old Nick.
NICK
Lookie here. Maybe John does have a friend in the world after all.
The friskers move both men back to their positions.
The new frisker gives John a wink.
FRISKER
Good to have you back, John.
He motions for John to raise his arms.
JOHN
Thanks.
Nick looks over his shoulder to the upset woman. She’s buried her face in a friend’s shoulder.
NICK
Ah, boo hoo. Maybe I should’a kissed her.
JOHN
I bet your neighborhood is glad you’re hanging out with us tonight.
NICK
Nah, my neighborhood loves me.
JOHN
Oh yeah, they like their trash over in Taberville, do they?
NICK
Nah, nah, nah man, you got it all wrong. They appreciate me. I love living where I’m appreciated.
JOHN
North or south of Broadway?
NICK
South, why?
JOHN
(laughing)
They like pimping skinny little whites boy on the south side.
Nick goes after him. The ref and the friskers stop him.
John smiles.
JOHN
You like clowns, Nick?
NICK
Only the crying ones. Why?
JOHN
I heard you loved hanging at the Taberville Theme park. Wasn’t that you’re jam back in the day.
NICK
Until city council voted to condemn it and let those bastards build their condos.
JOHN
Sorta made you cry, huh?
John pouts.
NICK
I’m gonna enjoy beating the hell out of you. What made you come out of retirement?
JOHN
I heard a little punk thought he was better than me. I wanted to meet him.
NICK
Here I am.
JOHN
Nah. Can’t be you. A little Taberville clown like you. Nothing good ever came out of Taberville. Except that old Theme Park.
NICK
You better watch your mouth.
JOHN
How does getting your ass kicked prove anything, Nick? I hope you didn’t lose that job scrubbing toilets. Them Taberville pimps can’t whore you out with your jaw wired shut.
NICK
Fuck the bell, motherfucker. Let’s go right now.
JOHN
Hold on, Nick. You got all night to prove yourself. What’s the rush? Not like you got anything else going on, right?
NICK
Oh, you just wait, motherfucker. Councilman McCarthy is in for . . .
JOHN
I didn’t think you like councilmen, Nick.
NICK
I hate ‘em. Fucking hate ‘em. That motherfucker gonna pay too. Out. The. Ass. Mark my words.
JOHN
Sounds like marking your territory.
Nick rushes him. John throws him to the ground.
JOHN
Is that how they do it in Taberville? On their backsides?
Nick rushes again. This time John has him in a headlock.
Choking him.
JOHN
I hope you got something else to show off to the world. Cause, this ain’t gonna get you far, boy.
The ref taps John’s arm. He lets him go.
Nick is laughing.
NICK
You think I need to kick your ass. I got everything I need bundled up nice and tight. And old councilman McCarthy is . . .
JOHN
You aren’t talking about his daughter’s kidnapping, are you? Hell, they found her thirty minutes ago. She’s safe at home by now.
NICK
There’s no fucking way.
JOHN
Why? Cause you have her bundled up nice and tight. Come on Nick. When have you ever had anything bundled up nice and tight? She got out and called her mom.
NICK
No way. She couldn’t of.
JOHN
I’m telling you, Nick. She’s home. I talked to Detective Franklin just before I changed in the locker room.
Nick stands tall, looking down his nose at John.
NICK
Nah, you’re making that shit up.
JOHN
Alright, impress me, Nick, where do you think you had her?
NICK
In the old train depot south of the condo building site.
Several cops leap from their seats and rush out.
NICK
(yelling)
Where I cut her throat and let her bleed out.
Nick holds his arms in the air, dancing about the ring like he was just declared the winner of the fight.
John sinks to the floor. -
LESSON 8 ASSIGNMENT
John and Nick.
INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
The MMA cage stands open. John (32) stands at the back of the cage. Head bowed in meditation. The cacophony of a small crowd drones on.
Then a spot light hits the back entrance. The crowd claps with little enthusiasm. It is only a Tuesday night fight.
Two men run through the crowd, followed by Nick (mid twenties), muscular, yet skinny for fighter.
His two friends quickly climb to the top rail of the cage and drape a banner over. “Fuck city council. They can kiss my ass.”
Nick continues to jog through the crowd. He stops just before he reaches the cage. Sitting ring side is a middle aged woman. Upset. Eyes red.
Nick kneels before her and opens his opened finger glove. Inside is a locket on a gold chain.
The woman’s face contorts into pain and torment.
Nick climbs the steps into the cage. He walks right up to John. Extends both gloved fist. Exchanges fist bumps with John, then turns to his banner and blows it a kiss.
John smiles.
Two friskers walk into the cage. One nods to John and begins his examination of Nick. Nick stands arms out allowing himself to be searched.
The other frisker approaches John. John shakes his head.
JOHN
I’ll wait for the other guy.
NICK
You ain’t making no friends over there, John.
JOHN
When you know what’s across the cage, no friends is the better alternative.
NICK
Ahh, you ain’t gonna hurt me John.
JOHN
Night ain’t over yet.
Nick’s frisker is finished and stands. Nick notices an older man in the audience and moves toward him.
NICK
Hey, hey. I remember you. Never thought I’d get a chance to tell you what a piece of . . .
John moves between them. Stares down old Nick.
NICK
Lookie here. Maybe John does have a friend in the world after all.
The friskers move both men back to their positions.
The new frisker gives John a wink.
FRISKER
Good to have you back, John.
He waves John’s arms in the air.
JOHN
Thanks.
Nick looks over his should to the upset woman. She’s buried her face in a friend’s shoulder.
NICK
Ah, boo hoo. Maybe I should’a kissed her.
JOHN
I bet your neighborhood is glad you’re hanging out with us tonight.
NICK
Nah, my neighborhood loves me.
JOHN
Oh yeah, they like their trash over in Taberville, don’t they.
NICK
Nah, nah, nah man, you got it all wrong. They love me in Taberville.
JOHN
North or south of Broadway?
NICK
South, why?
JOHN
They like pimping skinny little whites boy on the south side.
Nick goes after him. The ref and the friskers stop him.
John smiles.
JOHN
You like clowns, Nick?
NICK
Only the crying ones. Why?
JOHN
I heard you loved hanging at the Taberville Theme park. Wasn’t that you’re jam back in the day.
NICK
Until city council voted to condemn it so those bastards could build their condos.
JOHN
Sorta made you cry, huh?
John pouts.
NICK
I’m gonna enjoy beating the hell out of you. What made you come out of retirement?
JOHN
I heard a little punk thought he was better than me. I wanted to meet him.
NICK
Here I am.
JOHN
Nah. Can’t be you. A little Taberville clown like you. Nothing good ever came out of Taberville. Except that old Theme Park.
NICK
You better watch your mouth.
JOHN
How does getting your ass kicked prove anything, Nick? I hope you didn’t lose that job scrubbing toilets. Them Taberville pimps can’t whore you out with your jaw wired shut.
NICK
Fuck the bell, motherfucker. Let’s go right now.
JOHN
Hold on, Nick. You got all night to prove yourself. What’s the rush. Not like you got anything else going on.
NICK
Oh, you just wait motherfucker. Councilmen McCarthy is in for . . .
JOHN
I didn’t think you like council men, Nick.
NICK
I hate ‘em. Fucking hate ‘em. That motherfucker gonna pay too. Out. The. Ass. Mark my words.
JOHN
Sounds like marking your territory.
Nick rushes him. John throws him to the ground.
JOHN
Is that how they do it in Taberville? On their backsides.
Nick rushes again. This time John has him in a headlock.
Choking him.
JOHN
I hope you got something else to show off to the world. Cause this ain’t gonna get you far, boy.
The ref taps John’s arm. He lets him go.
Nick is laughing.
NICK
You think I need to kick your ass. I got everything I need bundled up nice and tight. And old councilman McCarthy is . . .
JOHN
You aren’t talking about his daughter’s kidnapping, are you? Hell, they found her thirty minutes ago. She’s safe at home by now.
NICK
There’s no fucking way.
JOHN
Why, cause you have her bundled up nice and tight. Come on Nick. When have you ever had anything bundled up nice and tight? She got out and called her mom.
NICK
She couldn’t have. Not where I had her.
JOHN
I’m telling you, Nick. She’s home. I talked to Detective Franklin just before I changed in the locker room.
Nick sinks to his knees.
NICK
She couldn’t have gotten out.
JOHN
Alright, impress me, Nick, where do you think you had her?
NICK
In the old train depot south of the condo building site.
Several cops leap from their seats and rush out.
Nick looks around.
JOHN
Thanks, Nick. -
For Karin,
Hi Karin.
Nice scene here. You definitely hit all the traits.
From Robert’s secretive trait (Keep your voice down. We don’t want this getting out.) to Robert’s smooth trait:
(ROBERT (CONT’D)
A couple more beers? And keep the change.
TRENT
Nice save.)
I like how you used Trent’s dialogue to Indicate Robert’s smooth trait here.
And I like the way you used Robert’s dialogue to indicate Trent’s conspiring trait:
(I couldn’t have done it without you.)
You hit Robert’s gregarious trait with (I love this guy!)
And you used both Robert’s low self-esteem and Trent’s neediness subtext here: (They both survey the crowd. Robert looks over at Trent like he worships him. Trent notices and gives a little smile.)
And this bit of dialogue showed off both Robert’s gossiping/secretiveness and Trent’s conspiracy traits. (Oh, and when I passed around that she was a coke-head, no one could believe it! I couldn’t believe it when you told me! Don’t worry, I left your name out of it completely.)
Then you used the following interest techniques.
Major Twist
Surprise
Mislead/Reveal
And Betrayal.
Then in the latter part of the scene you showed Trent’s aggressiveness and maliciousness throughout his dialogue as he explained to Robert how well he played him.
I do believe you satisfied the requirements of the lesson. Nice work.
-
QE CYCLE #1: RE-WRITE TRENT AND ROBERT SCENE
INT. STAIRS LEADING TO BASEMENT BAR -LATE NIGHT
He descends the stairs in a slight hopping motion. The cacophony below rises in volume. TRENT HARLOW (late 30s), business man and hustler entering a room of targets.
INT. BASEMENT BAR – LATE NIGHT
He descends into view. The cacophony erupts into applause.
At the base of the stairs is ROBERT (early 40s), the bar’s owner. He gestures toward Trent.
ROBERT
Ladies and Gentlemen, the man who brought you this splendid evening. Trent Harlow!
Trent looks a bit shocked, then throws his arms wide. He smiles that type of smile that never reaches his eyes. The practiced smile of a con man. He scans the room, taking in each face at a glance.
He steps off the last step and grasps Robert’s hand tightly.
TRENT
Thanks for the embarrassment buddy.
ROBERT
Anytime partner. I’ve been telling everyone about what we’ve been up to. There are a lot of excited people here tonight.
TRENT
Take it easy, Robert. I told you it would take a couple of days to free up my funds.
ROBERT
Just as long as you help with tonight’s tab. It’s setting me back quite a bit.
TRENT
Not to worry, I take care of my friends.
A flurry of motion and color rushes at Trent. MONICA, (30) slender as a doe with hair made up as a work of art. Her dress could stop a plane mid-flight.
She wraps both arms around Trent. Robert slides away.
MONICA
Hey baby.
She kisses him passionately.
TRENT
I’ve been thinking about you all day long.
MONICA
All day.
TRENT
There might have been two minutes at lunch when I needed to decide between a filet and the alaskan salmon, but otherwise . . .
He kisses her back.
MONICA
I have a surprise.
TRENT
Oh yeah.
MONICA
My Uncle Dominic is here. He’s one of the top financial brokers in Chicago. And he’s dying to meet you.
TRENT
That’s fantastic. Where is he?
Monica pulls him into the crowd. Everyone is looking at him. He looks right back, nodding to each person.
MONICA
He’s out back on a call, but as soon as he’s done we’ll chat with him.
Robert is engaged with an older couple. He waves Trent and Monica over.
As they approach, a gentleman pulls Monica away.
Trent approaches Robert and guests.
ROBERT
Trent Harlow, this is Mr and Mrs Taggert.
TRENT
Nice to meet you.
MRS TAGGERT
You as well. Robert here has been telling us that you’re helping to finance the Boettcher Concert Hall renovation.
TRENT
Ah, yes. But we’re just beginning our cost assessment and I can’t really talk about it.
MS VASQUEZ.
Oh my, the Boettcher Concert Hall. There’s so much history in that building. How exciting.
MRS TAGGERT
Mr Harlow, meet Ms Vasquez.
TRENT
Hello.
MS VASQUEZ (40s) is a towering woman resembling a brick wall draped in fine linen. Trent takes her hand and regrets it. She squeezes his like a vice.
TRENT
Quite a grip, Ms Vasquez.
MS VASQUEZ.
Thank you. I love the gym.
(flexing her arm)
It makes me feel masculine.
TRENT
Makes you look that way as well.
Monica leans into Trent.
MONICA
Here you are. Oh, Mr and Mrs Taggart. It is so good to see you.
MRS TAGGERT
Hello, dear.
TRENT
Have you met Ms Vasquez.
MS VASQUEZ.
Nice to meet you.
Mrs Taggert raises her head.
MRS TAGGERT
Oh look, Gabriel Beottcher just walked in.
MONICA
Please excuse me. I must say hello.
Trent takes Robert by the arm and leads him away.
TRENT
Excuse us.
(pause)
Hey, we need to keep things quiet about the Boettcher project. There’s a lot of moving parts I’m not ready to discuss yet. With anyone. Get it?
ROBERT
Oh yeah. Sure. And, about that check. Ya know for the party.
TRENT
Yeah, I said I’d pay you tonight.
ROBERT
Okay. Yeah. Thanks. I really need to pay these guys. They aren’t always the most professional to deal with. And they don’t like waiting.
Trent taps his coat over the breast pocket.
TRENT
Don’t worry about it. I always take care of my friends. And my girl. Remember, this is for Monica.
Robert nods. Looks relieved.
TRENT
For now, I need the pisser. Where is it? And lay off the damn gossip. You’ll have plenty to brag about soon enough.
Robert points to the back of the bar. Trent sneaks away and just misses Roberts nod to someone off screen.
ON TRENT: who’s doing his best to sneak through the crowd until . . .
INT. MEN’S ROOM – LATE NIGHT
He slips in and presses his back to the door. He quickly surveys the floor, looking for feet in the stalls. EMPTY.
A deep inhale. He steps up to the mirror. Stares at himself.
TRENT
I might be fucked.
MS VASQUEZ.
Oh, you’re definitely fucked.
He jumps.
Vasquez had slipped inside and is now standing back against the door. She bats her eye lashes.
TRENT
What are you doing in here?
MS VASQUEZ.
Trust me honey it’s not what you think.
TRENT
Get the fuck out of my way.
He tries to push past her. She throws him against the far wall.
He looks shocked at her strength.
MS VASQUEZ.
(voice deeper now)
You were the one who said I looked masculine.
She locks the door. Peels back her strawberry blonde wig, revealing a bald head with a tattoo over the left ear.
MS VASQUEZ.
I do love dressing up to do a job. But I can’t mess up the wig. Ya know, deposit and all.
She/he pulls a set of brass knuckles from her/his purse. Admires them on her/his fist.
MS VASQUEZ.
Where’d the tough guy act go? By the way, this is for Robert. He knows you’re net worth is about two hundred dollars. When you screwed him over, you screwed my boss over. And he don’t like that.
TRENT
Look, I can explain.
MS VASQUEZ.
I’m sure you can. Unfortunately for you, I ain’t listening.
Trent pushes himself against the wall.
TRENT’S P.O.V. Vasquez kisses the brass knuckles cuddled in his fist. Smiles at Trent. And here comes the first blow.
CUT TO BLACK.
MS VASQUEZ.
One down, nine to go. I hope you’re well insured. MR HARLOW! -
INT. ROBERT’S TAVERN – LATE NIGHT
Trent shakes of the cold as he eyes the bar area. A crowd hangs back giving air to the art exhibit.
Trent glides behind the crowd, eyes searching.
He finds a shadowy corner and leans in. Scanning the crowd, looking for one person: Monica.
There she is.
ON MONICA: Monica and Robert exit the corridor leading to the back: The kitchen, restrooms, office and back exit.
He shows no reaction as he watches.
Through the shifting bodies and he can see them standing close. Then Robert puts a phone to his ear. Monica watches him expectantly.
The phone call ends. Robert takes her hand. Kisses her cheek.
ON TRENT: He raises his chin. His expression hardening.
ON MONICA: She smiles a smile of relief. She walks into the corridor again.
Robert moves through the crowd. Smiling. Shaking hands. Trying to hide that needy look in his eye.
ON TRENT: He pushes himself through the crowd, nodding curly as he brush arms, or taps a shoulder.
He finds Robert engaged with an elderly man. Trent approaches. Robert laughs and moves the elderly man deeper into the crowd. They discuss one of the paintings on the wall.
Trent holds back, avoiding eye contact with others in the crowd until . . .
Robert moves. Trent jumps. Takes Roberts arm.
TRENT
Hey! Robert. How are you?
ROBERT
Oh, Hi Trent. Glad you could make it.
TRENT
Looks like a great turn out. Where’s Monica?
ROBERT
Ladies room. Ya know, she dropped a lot of money getting ready for the show and she’s feeling the pressure. I told her not to worry, that you’d help her out.
TRENT
Of course, of course. I’ll always take care of my girl. By the way, has Hastings or that art critic fellow,
(pause, snaps fingers)
Bellows shown up yet?
ROBERT
No, not yet. I did try to reach Bellows at his publication and they said he had another engagement tonight and that he’d probably be late.
Trent stares. Hiding . . . What?
Robert smiles. He extends his hand to nearby couple.
ROBERT
Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Taggert. I’m so pleased you could make it tonight. Allow me to introduce you to Trent Harlow. He’s the man responsible for tonight’s show.
Trent shakes their hands.
MRS. TAGGERT
It’s so nice to meet you, Mr. Harlow.
TRENT
Oh, please. Call me Trent.
MR. TAGGERT
Robert here tells us you’re providing the financing for the Boettcher Concert Hall remodel. We’re very good friends with Tony and Margaret Boettcher.
Trent flashes a look at Robert.
ROBERT
Excuse, I need to attend to something.
Robert moves away. Trent smiles, but keeps an eye on Robert.
He watches as Robert approaches two, large men wearing black suits.
TRENT
That’s nice to know. I haven’t met them. I’ve been dealing with their attorney.
MRS. TAGGERT
Oh yes, Tony’s son, Gab.
Trent’s eyes widen as Monica comes his way.
ON MONICA: She breezes through the crowd, smiling, shaking hands.
ON TRENT: He extends a hand to her. She hesitates taking it.
TRENT
Allow me to introduce the very talented Monica Schaefer.
MR. TAGGERT
Beautiful work, Ms. Schaefer.
She shakes there hands. Trent keeps a hand on her back.
MRS. TAGGERT
Yes, you’re an amazing painter.
MONICA
Thank you so much. I appreciate you being here.
MRS. TAGGERT
Trent here was just telling us about his part in the Boettcher remodel.
MONICA
Yes, he does have his fingers in many pies.
MRS. TAGGERT
I for one can’t wait to see it finished. We’ll have to arrange a luncheon with the Boettchers. They would love to meet Ms. Schaefer. Don’t you think so, Trent.
MONICA
That would be so lovely. Thank you Mr. And Mrs. Taggert.
TRENT
And, please, call her Monica.
Robert steps in next to Trent.
ROBERT
Excuse me. Would you allow me to steal Trent for a bit.
Everyone nods as Robert pulls TRent away. Monica keeps her eyes on the Taggerts.
ROBERT
Do you see the guys in maroon blazer just over my left shoulder.
Trent glazes and nods.
ROBERT
I have it on very good authority that he’s about to drop a load of cash on a new gallery downtown. I thought you might be interested.
TRENT
I would. Thanks.
Robert turns to the man.
ROBERT
Mr. Malone. May I introduce you to Mr Harlow. The gentlemen I mentioned earlier.
MALONE
Nice to meet you Mr. Harlow.
TRENT
Thank you. You as well.
ROBERT
And, gentlemen, may I suggest the use of the beer garden out back. The lower decibel level may help with the business conversation.
The men nod and follow Robert through the crowd.
EXT. BACK ALLEY – LATE NIGHT
The three men step out the back door. Robert first, then Trent, then Malone.
Robert steps to the side. Trent surveys the area.
THERE IS NO BEER GARDEN.
Trent turns around. Malone’s friendly demeanor is gone.
MALONE
For her entire life, she’s been a loner. A do-it-yourselfer. Always trying to make it on her own. Honey, I told her, just be careful. There’s a lot of losers out there.
Other than that, I’ve let her do things her way.
One of the big guys from earlier steps out from the shadows.
MALONE
Now, I can appreciate a man looking to make a buck. Run a con, even chase down a piece of ass.
Trent steps back, and backs into the second big guy from earlier.
NOWHERE TO GO.
Trent steps forward in a threatening manner.
TRENT
I think you got your wires crossed, pal.
The big one behind him pulls Trent back.
MALONE
But I will not tolerate a guy like you, with two hundred dollars in his checking account ruining my niece’s life.
Malone nods. The big guy behind slams his fist into Trent’s kidney.
Trent drops to his knees.
TRENT’S P.O.V: He watches the feet of the other big come forward. He looks up to see a fist coming his way. -
Jeff Cochran’s Max Interest Part 1
1. Intro Sam scene. Logline: Easton enters the hibernation chamber to make sure his wife is up, to find her watching the last video message she will ever get from her mother.
2. Essence: Easton is almost desperate to protect his wife from any emotional stress, more for his own selfish needs than hers.
<div>
3. Uncertainty — hope / fear. Surprise.</div><div>4. See below.
</div><div>
5. What I learned: I was already using
one of these interest techniques in this scene, but it was way too subtle.
I learned to have audience recognize and react to these techniques you
have to make it more obvious.</div>
SCENE:
INT. HIBERNATION CHAMBER
Easton enters, mug in hand. He scans the room.
His wife is nowhere to be found. He slowly moves deeper into the chamber.
He hears indistinct voices as he approaches Sam’s hibernation pod. Then he hears sobbing.
He moves next to her pod and pears over. There she is. on the opposite side. Pushed against the pod. Knees pulled up to her chin. A tablet held against her knees.
A video is playing on the tablet. Sam’s mother.
SAM’S MOTHER
(from the tablet)
Your father passed away two years ago. I’d like to say I miss him, but I don’t. That may not be surprising to you, but it is to me.
Sam shakes. Holding back a sob.
Easton leans and listens. Watches.
SAM’S MOTHER
I kept the house for a year, then I asked myself what the hell was I doing? That’s when I found the Crystal Gate community. It’s nice and I’ve made a few good friends. There’s Jeremy and Glenda who . . .
(pause)
Well, I think you would like them.
The old woman chokes back a sob.
SAM’S MOTHER
The doctors tell me it won’t be long. I know it will be sixty years before you see this. I just want to say my good byes now while . . . while I can.
Sam wipes a tear. Catches sight of Easton. She gives him a tearful smile.
Easton places the mug on the pod and sits next to her, wrapping her in an arm.
SAM’S MOTHER
Samira, I love you more than anything in this world. You are a blessing and the most joyful part of my life. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you broke this awful curse and disowned your father. I wished I had had the courage to do the same.
Sam presses her head into his shoulder. He holds her tight.
SAM’S MOTHER
I hope you and Easton find happiness and you start that family you’ve always wanted.
Easton stiffens. Sam lifts her head from his shoulder.
SAM MOTHER
I will always be with you in spirit. I love you my dear, sweet daughter. Always know that. Good bye, love.
The video fades to black. Easton watches her, expecting . . . What?
Sam wipes her cheek placing the tablet on the floor.
EASTON
Are you all right?
She stifles a laugh.
SAM
I’m fine.
Pause
EASTON
Are you sure?
She looks at his worried expression, and smiles.
SAM
Yeah. I knew when I boarded this flight, I would never see her again. I got the cry out. Time to get on with our lives.
EASTON
Okay, I’m saying I’m here if . . .
SAM
I’m fine. Let’s get this colony underway so you and I get busy making a family.
He looks away as she jumps to her feet.
She points to the coffee mug on the pod.
SAM
Is that for me?
He nods. She grabs the mug. Pulls it under her nose, inhaling deeply.
SAM
Oh yeah, that’s what I need.
She takes a long sip. Enjoys it.
She reaches her hand down to him.
SAM
Come on, mister. We gotta a life to build.
She pulls him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist.
She leads him back to the kitchen.
-
Jeff Cochran Profiles People
What I learned from this exercise was to look deeper than the surface and try to find the many different layers. Just because I don’t like someone doesn’t mean they don’t have any likable traits.
Person 1
Traits: Arrogant, Delusional, self-serving liar, Charming
Person 2
Traits: Arrogant, Ignorant, Insecure, Combative
Person 3
Traits: Friendly, Unassuming, Observant, Holds things in.
NOTE: None of these people are currently accessible to me, therefore the “testing” was done based upon conversations I remember.
-
Jeff Cochran Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is even though I’ve written these scenes, I’m still not always aware of the underlining meaning and I need to continue to work to discover and express that meaning.
Script I choose: Forced Evolution (First Draft)
Scene 1 Location: Beginning of act one
Logline: The crew meets for the first time since coming out of hyper sleep.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is the beginning of a new life for everyone.
New Logline: The crew enjoys their first moments together after a long flight in hyper sleep before they begin colonizing a new world.Scene 2 Location: Beginning of act one
Logline: Members of the crew discuss the activities they’re going to enjoy on their new world.
Essence I’ve discovered: Sam hints that there is deeper reason why she came on this flight.
New Logline: While the crew dreams of their new home, Sam reveals there was a stronger, emotional need for her to colonize this new world.Scene 3 Location: Beginning of act two.
Logline: Two crewmembers use maintenance pods to search for a missing crew member.
Essence I’ve discovered: The stress of losing a fellow crew member.
New Logline: Two crew members control the stress in their voices as they use maintenance pods to search for a missing crew member.Scene 4 Location: Beginning of act two.
Logline: The captain and a crewmember are discussing the missing crew member.
Essence I’ve discovered: Tension between two crew members that the captain doesn’t want to hear about.
New Logline: The captain and his third officer discuss the medical officer’s inability to locate the missing crew member using his technology, leading the third officer to accuse the med officer of incompetence.Scene 5 Location: Beginning of act two
Logline: Two crew members banter as they work together.
Essence I’ve discovered: Hiding the stress of the situation through banter.
New Logline: Two crew members hide their stress and discomfort over losing a fellow crew member by bantering with each other. -
Jeff Cochran Finds the Essence
What I learned is that there a meaning to each and every scene in a script, often times that meaning becoming clear later in the script after the casual watcher has forgotten about it.
Script I choose: THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act 1
Logline: Andy listens to his cheating wife and her lover as he prepares to do the unthinkable: murder.
Essence: Andy is emotionally distraught to point of murder, creating the story question that will drive the narrative for nearly half the film. Did Andy murder his wife and her love?Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: Red bets against Andy Defrense.
Essence: A 20 year inmate, Red establishes his belief that Andy will be the first to lose his mind within the walls of Shawshank Prison.Scene 3 Location: Beginning of Act 2
Logline: Andy Defrense meets Red and the crew.
Essence: Andy shows his character (and his strength) when he shows concern for another new inmate, the one that died the night before.Scene 4 Location: Beginning of Act 2
Logline: Andy approaches Red about acquiring a tool for collecting rocks.
Essence: While Andy claims he needs a rock hammer to pursue his interest in rock collecting, this is really a foreshadow of things to come.Scene 5 Location: Nearing the middle of Act 2
Logline: Andy makes his financial expertise available to the prison guards.
Essence: Andy has learned enough of the prison culture to begin manipulating his way to a better position.My selection for most profound essence:
57 EXT — LICENSE PLATE FACTORY — DAY (1949) 57
A tar-cooker bubbles and smokes. TWO CONS dip up a bucket of
tar and tie a rope to the handle. The rope goes taught. CAMERA
FOLLOWS the bucket of tar up the side of the building to —
58 THE ROOF 58
— where it is relayed to the work detail. The men are dipping
big Padd brushes and spreading the tar. ANGLZ OVER to Byron
Hadley bitching sourly to his fellow guards:
HADLEY
…so this shithead lawyer calls
long distance from Texas, and he
says, Byron Hadley? I say, yeah. He
says, sorry to inform you, but your
brother just died.
YOUNGBLOOD
Damn, Byron. Sorry to hear that.
HADLEY
I ain’t. He was an asshole. Run off
years ago, family ain’t heard of him
since. Figured him for dead anyway.
So this lawyer prick says, your
brother died a rich man. Oil wells
and shit, close to a million bucks.
Jesus, it’s frigging incredible how
lucky some assholes can get.
TROUT
A million bucks? Jeez-Louise! You
get any of that?
HADLEY
Thirty five thousand. That’s what
he left me.
TROUT
Dollars? Holy shit, that’s great!
Like winnin’ a lottery…
(off Hadley’s shitty look)
…ain’t it?
HADLEY
Dumbshit. What do you figger the
government’s gonna do to me? Take a
big wet bite out of my ass, is what.
TROUT
Oh. Hadn’t thought of that.
HADLEY
Maybe leave me enough to buy a new
car with. Then what happens? You
pay tax on the car. Repairs and
maintenance. Goddamn kids pesterin’
you to take ’em for a ride…
MERT
And drive it, if they’re old enough.
HADLEY
That’s right, wanting to drive it,
wanting to learn on it, f’Chrissake!
Then at the end of the year, if you
figured the tax wrong, they make
you pay out of your own pocket.
Uncle Sam puts his hand in your
shirt and squeezes your tit till
it’s purple. Always get the short
end. That’s a fact.
(spits over the side)
Some brother. Shit.
The prisoners keep spreading tar, eyes on their work.
HEYWOOD
Poor Byron. What terrible fuckin’
luck. Imagine inheriting thirty
five thousand dollars.
RED
Crying shame. Some folks got it
awful bad.
Red glances over — and is shocked to see Andy standing up,
listening to the guards talk.
RED
Hey, you nuts? Keep your eyes on
your pail!
Andy tosses his Padd in the bucket and strolls toward Hadley.
RED
Andy! Come back! Shit!
SNOOZE
What’s he doing?
FLOYD
Gettin’ himself killed.
RED
God damn it…
HEYWOOD
Just keep spreadin’ tar…
The guards stiffen at Andy’s approach. Youngblood’s hand goes
to his holster. The tower guards CLICK-CLACK their rifle
bolts. Hadley turns, stupefied to find Andy there.
ANDY
Mr. Hadley. Do you trust your wife?
HADLEY
That’s funny. You’re gonna look
funnier suckin’ my dick with no
fuckin’ teeth.
ANDY
What I mean is, do you think she’d
go behind your back? Try to
hamstring you?
HADLEY
That’s it! Step aside, Mert. This
fucker’s havin’ hisself an accident.
Hadley grabs Andy’s collar and propels him violently toward
the edge of the roof. The cons furiously keep spreading tar.
HEYWOOD
Oh God, he’s gonna do it, he’s
gonna throw him off the roof…
SNOOZE
Oh shit, oh fuck, oh Jesus…
ANDY
Because if you do trust her, there’s
no reason in the world you can’t
keep every cent of that money.
Hadley abruptly jerks Andy to a stop right at the edge. In
fact, Andy’s past the edge, beyond his balance, shoetips
scraping the roof. The only thing between him and an ugly drop
to the concrete is Hadley’s grip on the front of his shirt.
HADLEY
You better start making sense.
ANDY
If you want to keep that money, all
of it, just give it to your wife.
See, the IRS allows you a one-time-
only gift to your spouse. It’s good
up to sixty thousand dollars.
HADLEY
Naw, that ain’t right! Tax free?
ANDY
Tax free. IRS can’t touch one cent.
The cons are pausing work, stunned by this business discussion.
HADLEY
You’re the smart banker what shot
his wife. Why should I believe a
smart banker like you? So’s I can
wind up in here with you?
ANDY
It’s perfectly legal. Go ask the
IRS, they’ll say the same thing.
Actually, I feel silly telling you
all this. I’m sure you would have
investigated the matter yourself.
HADLEY
Fuckin’-A. I don’t need no smart
wife-killin’ banker to show me where
the bear shit in the buckwheat.
ANDY
Of course not. But you will need
somebody to set up the tax-free
gift, and that’ll cost you. A
lawyer, for example…
HADLEY
Ambulance-chaaing, highway-robbing
cocksuckers!
ANDY
…or come to think of it, I
suppose I could set it up for you.
That would save you some money.
I’ll write down the forms you need,
you can pick them up, and I’ll
prepare them for your signature…
nearly free of charge.
(off Hadley’s look)
I’d only ask three beers apiece for
my co-workers, if that seems fair.
TROUT
(guffawing)
Co-workers! Get him! That’s rich,
ain’t it? Co-workers…
Hadley freezes him with a look. Andy presses on:
ANDY
I think a man working outdoors
feels more like a man if he can
have a bottle of suds. That’s only
my opinion.
The convicts stand gaping, all pretense of work gone. They
look like they’ve been pole-axed. Hadley shoots them a look.
HADLEY
What are you jimmies starin’ at?
Back to work, goddamn it!
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Jeff Cochran,
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Jeff Cochran.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Hi everyone, I’m Jeff Cochran
I’ve completed three scripts, two features, and a short, all science fiction. The two features won quarter-finalist awards and the short took a semi-finalist in various contests.
I’m here to improve my work, learn more about the industry, and meet other writers like you.
And, something different about me: I’m an ex-martial arts instructor and have been to China twice to study.
I’m looking forward to getting to know you all.
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Hey Rick,
Nice job hitting all the traits. I can see them all with the exception of “caring” for Nancy.
You might want to spend a little more time considering the interest techniques, as I didn’t really see those in use. The ending could be considered a cliffhanger when you think about Squire’s objection to the morphine, but the doctor administering it anyway. That brings up a lot of questions.
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Thanks for the comments, Rick.