Jennifer McCay
Forum Replies Created
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Jennifer’s Dialogue on the Attack
WHAT I LEARNED: In the end I think I chose a scene to write that was less suited to this approach than some others, but overall I think that when characters’ priorities are at odds, focusing on attack/counterattack is a useful approach overall for writing dialogue. This particular combo of characters and this particular scene feel a bit mundane right now, and I need to work on how the two characters relate verbally to one another so that it’s clear Jessica is forever wanting approval from her father and David is forever slipping in tiny digs to prod Jessica to perform like a trick pony.
CHARACTERS IN SCENE:
Jessica – protagonist
Traits:
Smart as a whip
Deeply insecure
Tries to appear perfect at all times visibly
Southern belle
Subtext: Underneath her facade of Southern graciousness, she is a smouldering cauldron of rage.
Jessica’s father David – secondary character/secondary antagonist
Traits:
Deeply into appearances
Career-focused to a fault
Never loses his cool, but gets deadly calm when upset
Pretentious as hell
Subtext: He claims to love his daughter, seems to very much in his way, but is deeply controlling of her and sees her as yet another trophy.
SCENE:
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s father drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her father encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
DAVID
What is the [need super-specific academic question here]?
JESSICA
(answers quickly and sharply)
[Correct answer]
DAVID
Yep. [Second super-specific academic question here]?
JESSICA
(answers quickly and sharply)
[Correct answer]
DAVID
You got it. What is …?
JESSICA
(interrupting)
Just winning competitions isn’t enough. I got this, Dad. Just eliminating the competition also isn’t enough.
DAVID
What do you mean — isn’t enough? Of course it is?
JESSICA
I need a way to show how outstanding I am to the scholarship committee in a way that truly knocks their socks off, and all the [XYZ] facts I memorize aren’t even remotely enough. This is a waste of my time. And of course of yours too. I know you’ve got better things to do.
DAVID
There’s a way to win without winning more, Jessica.
JESSICA
It’s not like I can gerrymander the damn electorate here.
DAVID
(smiling)
OK, OK. Maybe not. But you will be able to get ahead without it all being about beating other people in competitions. You said it yourself.
JESSICA
So what do I do? Everything I try just feels like I’m working too hard.
DAVID
Hard work is going to pay off every time, sweetie. But no, it won’t win you this scholarship. You need something different.
JESSICA
Different how?
DAVID
Work with me here, but I think you need to think outside the proverbial box.
JESSICA
Proverbial? Ugh. That phrase is so freaking dated.
David walks away. Jessica mutters to herself, thinking. Suddenly she sits up and gives a Cheshire cat grin.
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Jennifer’s Character Outline
WHAT I LEARNED: Any action that a character takes needs to accurately reflect her motives in the scene. I ended up not doing too much addition for minor characters because it got too long to be useful for now, but it’s been a helpful exercise overall.
OUTLINE:
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. It’s clear Amanda and Ethan are the naturals here and Jessica is the hard worker pushing to try to win via sheer force of will. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — MORNING
While drinking their morning coffee, Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. Jessica sits listening, frustrated and desperate for their approval. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians (father is mayor, mother is a US senator), and her father wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead. Jessica’s mother isn’t impressed by that but still tells Jessica to focus on the goal, part of which is to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged. She looks out her window and sees her younger neighbor Jillian looking at her timidly from her own bedroom window. Jillian looks away instantly when caught.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP Literature class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win into her strategy notebook and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners. Amanda gets that Jessica is flipping out and looks at Jessica, mouthing the words to a formula Amanda has worked out about how Jessica operates. [NEED TO STREAMLINE THIS]
Ideas to incorporate potentially:
“I’m not even sure I want to go to Chapman. I can’t decide. I’m torn between Yale and Juilliard and just can’t decide which of my talents I want to focus on for undergrad.” (This would be terribly painful for Jessica to hear — that Chapman is Amanda’s consolation prize.)
“Don’t you ever think about anything other than joining the rat race and getting ahead, Jessica? You’re a teenager. Enjoy it while it lasts. One day we’ll all wake up wrinkled and aware that we’ve wasted some part of our potential.”
“Cut the pretention, Jessica. Not all of us have parents who are practically royalty, and we still do OK.”
“I might tackle this. I can always go for a good challenge. They’re so rare.” Smirk reflects sarcasm.
“This could be good for a laugh.” (Jessica would seethe over this, noting that Amanda spent 2 weeks in London at a workshop and now thinks it somehow makes her British.)
“What would make you think I wouldn’t want this scholarship? My parents aren’t made of money.”
Teacher might announce that Amanda and Jessica should listen up at the beginning, and Jessica would hate being lumped in with Amanda, whom she sees as inferior.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping so she looks better because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and notes that she, Amanda, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. Amanda casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Neighbor Jillian comes up, Jessica says a snarky hi, and Jillian runs in the race as well. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up and seethes secretly to her father (mother is rarely there), who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool. “Act the part, dear.”
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan has stopped to help the injured runner, but comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure, bond over that and their own admissions of fear of failure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are both against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. Amanda laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and acting books. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica’s behavior, decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win. Jillian is a junior member of Jessica’s school team.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding, tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage it.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, needs to look convincingly kind outwardly and show good sportsmanship regardless of how she feels inside. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She is there alone with no allies so she talks to Amanda briefly, who came with Ethan. She catches two other competitors making out, which is against the morality clause of the scholarship, and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica tips off the dance chaperone and anonymously notifies the scholarship committee that the other competitors have done something against the rules. She smiles. Jillian sees her there but walks away quickly when observed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica verbally abuses Jillian and accuses Jillian of stalking her, then turns around to greet Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
How to beat them? Oppo research. Jessica types up a detailed analysis of Amanda and Ethan. But she also needs something else to help her shine.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned through her reading. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous and shares that Ethan has a deadly food allergy to hazelnuts.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan sees through Jessica while Amanda does not, not exactly anyway. Jessica scans lines for an audition of some sort.
CRISIS:
All other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. Jessica is more committed to winning than ever, but Amanda and Ethan continue to best her. She’s going to have to go outside her comfort zone.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another justification (TBC) for why she should win scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Two days later, Jessica checks her phone and sees scores have updated, but she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked. What can she do to push things over the top?
INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY
Jessica buys a stack of true crime, chemistry, and medical books in cash while wearing a cap and plain sweatshirt/hoodie. Ms. Mitchell is also there and sees her, is going to say hello and hesitates. Jillian lurks in the background and takes a photo of the books Jessica just bought. Jessica doesn’t see either one and leaves.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan doing something unethical TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions being worried about Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit? Then …
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Jessica exits classroom and sees Jillian watching her. She walks over to Jillian and tells her she doesn’t appreciate Jillian following her around. (This will link back to the materials in the book on manipulation that Jessica read, and it’s clear Jessica is getting more paranoid.) Jillian tries to defend herself, but Jessica insists Jillian back off.
EXT. JESSICA’S BACKYARD — NIGHT
Jessica sits in front of a fire burning in a fire pit. Her father peeks out at her and asks what she’s doing. Her answer: strategizing how to win. He nods his approval. Jillian looks out a window of her house and sees Jessica by the fire.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica arrives at the school with coffees in hand for herself, Amanda, and Ethan. An academic competition is about to start. Ethan confirms what’s in the coffee to make sure it’s safe and drinks. Amanda doesn’t make it to the event at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item (table, chairs).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica discusses it casually while grabbing something out of her bag. A glove and a bottle of … something. She makes sure no one is looking, puts the glove on while Ethan is wrangling the item around in his car’s trunk, and dabs the edge of the bottle carefully with one gloved finger. He is almost done loading the trunk and calls her a piece of work. She looks like she might be softening or even try to kiss him, then puts one finger up to his mouth and says, “Shhh.” He starts to feel strange instantly and breathes funny. He looks for his bag and collapses, asking Jessica to go inside and get his adrenaline shot. For a moment she is in shock, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica looks frantically for Ethan’s backpack and riffles through it to search for the medicine while the other couple people look on. An ambulance siren rings in the background.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant died from anaphylaxis and that it was horrible. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her bloody steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of gratefulness (or is it recognition?) in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, and they talk about how Ethan died, Amanda noting how scary it must have been for him — and for Jessica to witness. Amanda asks why Jessica wants the scholarship so much. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance [DO THIS AS A JOKE BETWEEN FATHER AND DAUGHTER EARLY ON!]. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals, wins the competition, and rules the school. Another younger student who’s been there all along wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica convinces the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face. Jessica walks into …
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
She pours a cup of coffee, reaches into the spice cabinet and pulls out a bottle we’ve seen before, hazelnut extract, which is what she used to kill Ethan. She hums to herself, happy for a brief moment in time.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief and tries to reassure her of her innocence.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam. In the background is younger student Jillian, Jessica’s next-door neighbor, who has been there all along looking on and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps. Jillian approaches Jessica and wants to help her older neighbor take on the world. Jessica welcomes her into the fold.
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Jennifer’s Full-out Characters
WHAT I LEARNED: This is a useful way of making sure to incorporate character into every scene. To some extent it’s already part of my thought process, but I particularly think this will be useful for less-significant characters that might not be as well fleshed-out initially.
SITUATION:
Early in the story, Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before their advanced literature class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
CHARACTER 1: Jessica
Role: Protagonist, high school junior overachiever
Age range/description: 17, a wisp of a Southern belle with a permanent (if sometimes fake) smile on her always lipsticked mouth and a pained look in her eyes
** Core trait: Smart as a whip
Instantly maps out a complex diagram indicating every aspect she needs to cover to win the scholarship
Instantly does a SWOT analysis (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats)
Has a special notebook she strategizes in, and when Amanda indicates she has already done a bunch of the requirements, Jessica turns to her “Amanda” page in her strategy notebook and jots something down quickly
** Core trait: Deeply insecure
Starts cursing to herself the moment the teacher announces the service requirements
Starts adding things up on her fingers and clearly comes short
Sinks lower and lower in her chair while trying to pretend to be confident
“Amanda, this is something even you might have to work hard to make happen.”
** Core trait: Tries to appear perfect at all times
Sits there with a fake smile on while her hands shake as she takes notes on the scholarship
Says something about how she’s overqualified and will do just fine, thankyouverymuch, despite looking panicked
Tries to quietly gasp for air as a panic attack almost kicks in while she looks around hoping no one notices
** Core trait: Southern belle
Dresses up in full makeup and neat hair, buttons her neat little cardigan while trying to be proper mid-panic attack
Says a gracious thank you when the teacher checks on her
“Bless your heart, Amanda.”
** Character subtext: Underneath her facade of Southern graciousness, she is a smouldering cauldron of rage.
While Amanda takes notes casually about the competition, Jessica glares daggers at her
** Motivation – want/need: She wants to win, which she does because she really needs to feel loved, approved of unconditionally and never has been by her parents, never realizing that this is a no-win game.
Jessica whispers to herself, “This is what it will take. Yes!”
Jessica texts her father: “Huge scholarship opportunity. You’ll be happy.”
** Unique/special: She is tirelessly ambitious. It does not make her cool, but ultimately it helps her win according to the messed-up rules she lives by.
Jessica pulls out a full-on life planner/calendar and starts adding in dates like no one’s business. She takes this all super seriously.
** Character logline: Jessica is a high achiever whose insecurity nags at her, causing her to lash out and punish those who get in her way.
Jessica attempts to make Amanda feel bad about not being stoked about the competition. “You know this would help you launch your illustrious [TBC] career. Why wouldn’t you care?”
Paradoxes: She secretly wants to be kind and good, but her desire to win is so powerful due to the lack of unconditional love from her parents that it kills her soul slowly.
Secret: She has to work harder and longer than anyone else to get the things she’s got, and it makes her feel unworthy and ashamed — for ex., reading books on success. She has actual talents but doesn’t honor them in herself. By hiding the hard work away from others, she tries not to be discovered for who she really is, but who she is could redeem her … unless she changes/hardens to become the achiever she really wants to be, which means giving up her vulnerability and heart and truly only going for the win.
Flaw: At the beginning she really cares but is terrified of being vulnerable in front of her peers, whom she sees as competitors. See her Secret above for more info.
Character arc:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Jessica is desperate to win at life, grabbing at opportunities to show her prowess, and now she’s up for a hugely prestigious scholarship that would set her up for long-term success. She tends to tense up at the last minute when trying to go for it, though, which costs her significant wins. She thinks she isn’t someone if she doesn’t win and comes up against brick walls a lot among the characters who have more personality, more life in them because they aren’t only fixated on being number one.
CHARACTER 2: Amanda
Role: Antagonist, high school junior prodigy/achiever
Age range/description: 15, looks young because she’s younger than her classmates, but she’s a bundle of tightly woven intellect and snark in a very funny, charming package
** Core trait: Smart as a whip, and things come extremely easily to her
Yawns, “Like that’s hard?”
She gets that Jessica is flipping out and looks at her, mouthing the words to a formula she (Amanda) has worked out about how Jessica operates. NEED TO WORK ON THIS
** Core trait: Snarky Southerner with heart and a bite
“I will never not say ‘y’all.’ Most great languages have a second-person plural. Just because ill-informed people think that means you’re ignorant for saying ‘y’all’ doesn’t make it so.”
Gives Jessica a “bless your heart” right back and full of snark when Jessica is patronizing to her
** Core trait: Dreamer
“I’m not even sure I want to go to Chapman. I can’t decide. I’m torn between Yale and Juilliard and just can’t decide which of my talents I want to focus on for undergrad.” (This would be terribly painful for Jessica to hear — that Chapman is Amanda’s consolation prize.)
“Don’t you ever think about anything other than joining the rat race and getting ahead, Jessica? You’re a teenager. Enjoy it while it lasts. One day we’ll all wake up wrinkled and aware that we’ve wasted some part of our potential.”
** Core trait: Little tolerance for jerks
“Cut the pretention, Jessica. Not all of us have parents who are practically royalty, and we still do OK.”
** Character subtext: Her kindness belies her unwillingness to participate in or take b.s. from anyone.
“Look, I get that this would mean a lot to you. But you don’t get to talk to people that way.”
** Motivation – want/need: She wants to be successful but laugh all along the way. She needs to feel trust in people to open up to them at all, is cautious, but wants to keep things as relaxed as possible. She is easily bored and needs new things to keep her mind occupied.
“I might tackle this. I can always go for a good challenge. They’re so rare.” Smirk reflects sarcasm.
“This could be good for a laugh.” (Jessica would seethe over this, noting that Amanda spent 2 weeks in London at a workshop and now thinks it somehow makes her British.)
** Unique/special: She is the kind of young woman who seems too good to be true, but because she deflects so much attention off of herself with humor, most people wouldn’t see it. She is a musical prodigy.
(See above. Everything comes easily to her.)
** Character logline: Amanda is a natural achiever with a big heart whose natural skepticism repels her from Jessica until Jessica appears vulnerable, leaving Amanda open to be Jessica’s next victim.
“What would make you think I wouldn’t want this scholarship? My parents aren’t made of money.”
Teacher might announce that Amanda and Jessica should listen up at the beginning, and Jessica would hate being lumped in with Amanda, whom she sees as inferior.
Paradoxes: She’s a dreamer but willing to do the work. She just doesn’t have to do much work.
Secret: She doesn’t trust Jessica but has a protective sense about her anyhow that kicks in when Jessica seems vulnerable. It will ultimately cost Amanda her life. POSSIBLY: She is embarrassed by her success.
Flaw: Curses like a sailor and has a sharp temper
Character arc:
Part to be changed: If she doesn’t think something is important, she doesn’t know why others do, which makes her unkind at times and also sometimes lazy
Biggest fear: Doing and doing and achieving and it all being meaningless in the end, like the Energizer bunny going and going
Completion of arc: She has to learn to find meaning in what she does, and for her meaning is actually friendship, which she tries to create with Jessica before Jessica kills her
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Jennifer’s Character Chemistry
WHAT I LEARNED:
This has helped me see a couple weaknesses in characterization that I need to flesh out. Super helpful!
1. List your character names/roles as couples.
1. Jessica (Protagonist)/Amanda (Antagonist)
Common ground/similarities:
High school juniors on the fast track to success in college and beyond
Super bright
Leader types who run in the same circle
Deeply intellectual
Trying to survive high school
Differences that create conflict:
Amanda is naturally confident, while Jessica is terrified of being a failure and thus overthinks everything, which is killing her soul.
Amanda can’t stand game-playing/cheating/manipulation, and Jessica slowly develops into a character who will do truly anything to get what she wants.
Amanda sees through Jessica’s facade and sees her underlying vulnerability, which scares Jessica. This gives Amanda compassion for Jessica, however, that Jessica ultimately doesn’t deserve.
Playing the same game/competing agendas:
Both are competing for the same scholarship, same competitions for the most part, same successful life longer term.
Amanda is definitely willing to put in the work to win at competitions and get into a great college, etc., but she isn’t willing to give up her soul to do so and rarely has to work hard at anything.
Need fulfillment:
Amanda has a need for a female friend similar to her because she is a different kind of person entirely from the vast majority of her classmates, being super brilliant, a prodigy, and unable to relate, and Jessica could fill that role so Amanda tries at times to open up to her at least a little, shows Jessica grace because she gets the pressure Jessica’s under but won’t allow herself to get snowed under by it herself. Jessica could definitely use a friend like Amanda who is loyal and caring and would care for any friend unconditionally, but she thinks she needs to win to get ahead instead and takes advantage of Amanda’s kindness and more relaxed tendencies.
2. Jessica (Protagonist)/Ethan (Connecting Character/Secondary Antagonist)
Common ground/similarities:
High school juniors on the fast track to success in college and beyond
Super bright
Leader types who run in the same circle
Deeply intellectual
Trying to survive high school
Differences that create conflict:
Ethan is initially interested in Jessica until he starts getting to see her in action.
Jessica has no time for anything like a relationship while trying so hard, so she snubs Ethan and constantly tries to beat him at everything.
They are truer peers than Amanda and Jessica because Ethan has to work harder by far, like Jessica, than Amanda does.
Ethan’s values won’t let him do anything truly immoral, but he definitely has more “striver” tendencies than Amanda and thus is a good third and secondary antagonist to Jessica.
Playing the same game/competing agendas:
Both are competing for the same scholarship, same competitions for the most part, same successful life longer term.
Ethan is definitely willing to put in the work to win at competitions and get into a great college, etc., but he is only willing to compromise his values in certain ways to do so. Still, he and Jessica both have a strong inner need for outer recognition.
Need fulfillment:
Ethan is mainly trying to survive high school and come out on top, so he needs top grades, excellent recommendations, things that make him special in the eyes of college admissions offices and scholarship committees, but he also kind of wants to have a social life too in the process. Jessica would fill that need — they’re always at the same events and have similar life goals — but ultimately Jessica isn’t interested enough in literally anything other than herself, so Ethan loses interests and ends up close with Amanda before both are killed by Jessica.
3. Jessica (Protagonist)/Jessica’s Father David (Secondary Antagonist/Connecting Character)
Common ground/similarities:
Jessica has taken on the goals her father has pursued his entire life, as has Jessica’s mother. Jessica never questions that she has to win, and David has won every election he’s competed in since student body president in high school (and he is now mayor). Jessica’s mother is basically absent but works harder than David and is in a higher, more prestigious office, whereas David loves the local power he has. Jessica wants that kind of political weight to throw around. Jessica is actually more like her mother, but picks up on the worst in her father.
Differences that create conflict:
Underneath it all, Jessica really wants to be loved unconditionally. David never shows that, always encouraging Jessica to be her best. He never stops to really listen to her, even when she is suicidal.
Playing the same game/competing agendas:
Jessica really wants love, which is the only reason she does what she does. David just wants to look good and sees Jessica as a reflection/projection of himself, never really seeing who she is underneath it all. He is never really a parent to her.
Need fulfillment:
David needs to feel perfect in every aspect of his life, and Jessica does the work to play that part.
4. Amanda (Antagonist)/Ethan (Connecting Character/Secondary Antagonist)
Common ground/similarities:
High school juniors on the fast track to success in college and beyond
Super bright
Leader types who run in the same circle
Deeply intellectual
Trying to survive high school
Differences that create conflict:
Amanda is more laidback but also so brilliant she rarely has to work hard to succeed at anything. Ethan has to work harder and is more competitive/intense.
Playing the same game/competing agendas:
They are both up for the same scholarship, but have very different life goals despite wanting to be very successful.
Need fulfillment:
Ethan reminds Amanda that most people, even successful people, are mere mortals who have to work at it, while Amanda’s laidback attitude and intense caring/inability to put up with b.s. from anyone keep Ethan’s conscience on track. They make a good couple, whether as friends or perhaps more as the story develops.
5. Jessica (Protagonist)/Jillian (Supporting Character)
Common ground/similarities:
Next-door neighbors
Both have similar politician families who are pretentious and run in the same circle.
Both are under tremendous pressure to conform to their parents’ desires and are naturally quiet.
Differences that create conflict:
Jillian kind of stalks Jessica rather than trying to talk to her face to face for the longest time, which creeps Jessica out. Jessica also senses a kindred spirit — and a weak one at that — so she thinks she can take advantage of Jillian forever. But can she? (I can’t decide yet.)
Playing the same game/competing agendas:
Need to think this through a bit more, but they are in separate grades, so there is less pressure on Jillian in the sense she’s not nearing college age yet, which means she’s got room to grow. But Jillian always seems to turn up where Jessica does, so Jessica thinks Jillian is maybe out to sabotage her or otherwise psych her out.
Need fulfillment:
Both Jessica and Jillian really need a partner in crime, but they trust no one. Will they be perfect partners?
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Jennifer’s Character Arc
WHAT I LEARNED:
I may need to pare down a couple of the challenges my protag faces. This is definitely a very useful exercise, though I think I did most of the work during the earlier lesson on character arc that was actually necessary.
ISSUE:
Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Jessica is desperate to win at life, grabbing at opportunities to show her prowess, and now she’s up for a hugely prestigious scholarship that would set her up for long-term success. She tends to tense up at the last minute when trying to go for it, though, which costs her significant wins. She thinks she isn’t someone if she doesn’t win and comes up against brick walls a lot among the characters who have more personality, more life in them because they aren’t only fixated on being number one.
CHALLENGES:
Initially she loses at the last minute in an academic competition.
Her parents try to push her to get ahead for college and beyond. She can’t defend herself and gives in.
She learns of a scholarship competition and realizes she and two peers, Amanda and Ethan, are the frontrunners, but her competitors have a leg up on her.
She takes over a service project designed to make her look better, but is no closer to winning.
She runs a race and places well, not helping others who need it along the way. Ethan does better than her, but stops to help an injured runner.
She attempts to make Amanda look worse by getting Amanda kicked out of the race on a technicality, but Amanda doesn’t care.
She has to teach herself how to manipulate people to win, but fails in a competition at the last minute.
When she fails at actual winning, she tries eliminating competitors via technicalities in the scholarship rules, but it backfires on her.
She has to read books to learn how to come across as a better person to manipulate others into helping her, but as hard as she tries, Ethan sees through her.
Jessica feels hopeless and suicidal, but gets coerced into pressing on.
Now she is desperate and forges a way of eliminating Ethan from the scholarship.
Ethan accuses her of cheating, so she kills him.
Amanda is Jessica’s last remaining competitor, and Jessica kills her too.
Jessica cryptically owns up to killing off her competitors, but everyone thinks it’s the grief talking.
Jessica wins the competition and rules the school, gaining a follower as she goes.
TRANSFORMATION:
Jessica started out feeling helpless and hopeless, but transitions to someone who takes action to reach her goals by the end. (This is satirical, so yes, we should be judging her for this.)
I’m not including my outline here because nothing substantial changed, though I may shorten one segment.
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Jennifer’s Characters Live!
WHAT I LEARNED:
I’m seeing how critical every element of a scene is to propel the story forward.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping so she looks better because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Crack of dawn. Piles and piles of fancy boxes of chocolates cover lunch tables marked with letters of the alphabet. Dressed in a military-style top, JESSICA stands tall organizing papers and checking off items on a to-do list like she’s the most important person in any room and is exasperated by the presence of every other human on the planet.
Several bleary-eyed students place yet more chocolates in neat piles, including CHRISTIAN, a competitor in the scholarship competition, and JILLIAN, Jessica’s next-door neighbor who is a quiet, dark soul and a sophomore.
CHRISTIAN (classmate/competitor)
(placing huge stack of boxes on a table, looking like he can’t handle it)
Like this?
JESSICA
Christian, you’re hardly doing what I asked you to. This stack needs to go over in the M pile. EMMM. What would people think if they couldn’t find their orders? I’m not going to look like a fool because you don’t do your job.
CHRISTIAN
(grudgingly takes stack from one table to the one Jessica designated) Your will be done, milady.
JESSICA
(oblivious of the snark)
We have to get this done early or it will take too long to fulfill orders. This is for the *children*, Christian. They can’t benefit from our donation if people don’t pay, and they won’t pay if we can’t find their orders for them.
Christian continues to take boxes to the tables.
JESSICA
(to herself)
Must I always be the one to plan everything? This better win me points with the scholarship judges.
JILLIAN
(approaches Jessica, speaks near silently)
Where should I put these?
JESSICA
What are you even saying? Speak, speak!
JILLIAN
(timidly)
The bags to put the candies in? Where do they go?
JESSICA
At the table, Jillian. Where else? Someone approaches the table, we make sure what they’ve ordered, we grab a bag, we fulfill the order.
Jillian nods and takes a stack of bags to the table.
JESSICA
(under her breath)
Why is this hard? There are actual challenges in life, people.
(turns toward Christian)
Christian, what are you doing there? How can you be taking college calculus as a junior and not know how to follow the simplest of instructions. Honestly.
AMANDA
(approaches Jessica wearing a t-shirt reflecting the local symphony)
Leadership suits you. Take it easy on these folks? They’re helping you look better for the scholarship committee.
JESSICA
You know full well I’m doing this to raise money for children’s cancer research.
(points at sign indicating this)
AMANDA
Sure, the cash will go to a good cause, and the work you put in here will help you out too in the scholarship competition. I assume that’s why you’re doing this? What do you care about kids’ cancer?
JESSICA
(infuriated but trying to keep her cool)
I volunteered at the children’s hospital two summers ago.
AMANDA
You became fervently passionate about helping kids when your dad was running for re-election again and helped him stay our trusty mayor for another four years? Noble of you.
JESSICA
Don’t you have somewhere to be? Why else would you be here so early?
AMANDA
I help junior band members master their instruments?
(holds up multiple musical instrument cases)
JESSICA
Slumming it, eh? I assume you should be at the symphony wowing everyone as their clarinet prodigy du jour.
AMANDA
I actually like to give back, sweetie? I’ll leave you to your points-getting.
(exits)
JESSICA
Jillian, that goes on the F table, not the Q!
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Jennifer’s Dueling Agendas
WHAT I LEARNED:
2 Characters with Competing Agendas:
Jessica (protagonist) and Amanda (antagonist)
JESSICA’S TRAITS:
Smart as a whip
Deeply insecure
Tries to appear perfect at all times visibly
Southern belle
SUBTEXT:
Underneath her facade of Southern graciousness, she is a smouldering cauldron of rage.
AMANDA’S TRAITS:
Smart as a whip, and things come easily to her
Snarky Southerner with heart and a bite
Dreamer
Little tolerance for jerks
SUBTEXT:
Her kindness belies her unwillingness to participate in or take b.s. from anyone.
OUTLINE OF SCENE reflecting agenda more clearly:
[Prior to this scene, Amanda has shown signs of being wary of Jessica, but still shows her kindness overall. Jessica wants to beat Amanda at all costs for a scholarship. Amanda wants to win but only if she doesn’t have to work too hard at it.]
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned through her reading. Amanda has been more than a bit gunshy with Jessica prior to this, but caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous and shares that co-competitor Ethan has a deadly food allergy to hazelnut
SCENE:
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
JESSICA (trying to play it kind)
I hope this test isn’t too killer.
AMANDA
What would Ms. Collins be able to throw at us that we can’t take? It’s King Lear, not, like, Ulysses? Even Joyce didn’t want anyone to understand what he wrote. An old man and his kids fighting for his legacy. I have cousins who have done far worse than Goneril and Regan, and they’re tweens.
JESSICA
You’re not worried Collins will throw us a curve ball? Macbeth’s more my thing.
AMANDA
I heard you give that Freudian interpretation of the whole father-daughter thing in Lear the other day. You have this nailed.
(shrugs, waits a beat)
Why are you talking to me like we’re friends?
JESSICA
This scholarship business has been driving me to new lengths of neuroticism. What can I say? I guess I need a friend to get me through and thought you of all people might qualify. Who else is an actual peer here?
AMANDA
(softens)
A peer slash friend who’s your biggest competition, no doubt?
JESSICA
You know what Sun Tzu said: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.
AMANDA
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I’ll take the Godfather over a Chinese warmonger any day. But if that works for you, may the best woman win.
Anyhow, I’m not sure our other key competitor is even going to be up for the fight here in the final stretch.
JESSICA
Ethan?
AMANDA
Yeah, it’s not like Jonas or Claire is really in the running. Jonas took that art survey class last year? Not exactly an academic powerhouse. Rumor has it Claire’s about to flunk pre-calc and trying to hide it. But Ethan’s down for the count.
JESSICA
(trying not to look excited but secretly bursting)
Really?
AMANDA
Some fatuous barista gave him hazelnut syrup in his half-caff instead of mocha. He was down for the count. Allergy. He might miss the [XYZ academic competition] next week. That’ll cost him some points for the scholarship for sure.
JESSICA
That hardly seems fair.
AMANDA
Um, life isn’t equitable? But I don’t want to win based on someone else nearly biting it either. Breaking the rules is a different story.
JESSICA
Yeah …
AMANDA
You’re a stickler for all things rule-based. It’s the safety net?
JESSICA
(nods)
You get me.
MS. COLLINS ([teacher] walks to podium)
Clear your desks. Grab paper and your favorite pen. Brace yourself for the familial angst that is King Lear.
AMANDA
She gets off on torturing us?
JESSICA
(to herself)
Strong, focused, constant. Strong, focused, constant.
AMANDA
(whispering)
Is that some new mantra you’re trying?
-
Jennifer’s Subtext and Loglines
WHAT I LEARNED: I’m seeing that I already had built in a ton of subtext into my story (which is a satire) naturally, and it all works to further the story dramatically.
Name: Jessica
Traits:
Smart as a whip
Deeply insecure
Tries to appear perfect at all times visibly
Southern belle
Subtext:
Underneath her facade of Southern graciousness, she is a smouldering cauldron of rage.
Character Logline:
Jessica is a high achiever whose insecurity nags at her, causing her to lash out and punish those who get in her way.
Possible areas of subtext:
Any number of different revenge fantasies that she puts into play
Name: Amanda
Traits:
Smart as a whip, and things come easily to her
Snarky Southerner with heart and a bite
Dreamer
Little tolerance for jerks
Subtext:
Her kindness belies her unwillingness to participate in or take b.s. from anyone.
Character Logline:
Amanda is a natural achiever with a big heart whose natural skepticism repels her from Jessica until Jessica appears vulnerable, leaving Amanda open to be Jessica’s next victim.
Possible areas of subtext:
Always acts kind unless she doesn’t trust you, wins easily and loses with good sportsmanship, but doesn’t want to see someone cheat and will do what it takes to reveal it [NEED TO FLESH THIS OUT IN SCRIPT]
Name: Jessica’s father David
Traits:
Deeply into appearances
Career-focused to a fault
Never loses his cool, but gets deadly calm when upset
Pretentious as hell
Subtext:
It’s clear he’s focused on his career and how his family looks to the outside world, but also cares about Jessica in his messed-up way.
Character Logline:
David tries to mentor his daughter Jessica to win in the ways he and his wife have in politics, and even though he appears compassionate to his constituents, underneath it all he just wants power at any cost.
Possible areas of subtext:
I mean, the guy is a career politician. He’s walking subtext.
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Jennifer’s Characters
WHAT I LEARNED:
I have gotten a better handle on what motivates my characters.
CHARACTER 1 (protagonist): Jessica
Basic Character Traits:
Smart as a whip
Deeply insecure
Tries to appear perfect at all times visibly
Southern belle
Want/Need:
She wants to win, which she does because she really needs to feel loved, approved of unconditionally and never has been by her parents, never realizing that this is a no-win game.
Paradoxes (Warring Elements):
She secretly wants to be kind and good, but her desire to win is so powerful due to the lack of unconditional love from her parents that it
Secret:
She has to work harder and longer than anyone else to get the things she’s got, and it makes her feel unworthy and ashamed — for ex., reading books on success. She has actual talents but doesn’t honor them in herself. By hiding the hard work away from others, she tries not to be discovered for who she really is, but who she is could redeem her … unless she changes/hardens to become the achiever she really wants to be, which means giving up her vulnerability and heart and truly only going for the win.
Flaw:
At the beginning she really cares but is terrified of being vulnerable in front of her peers, whom she sees as competitors. See her Secret above for more info.
Special:
She is tirelessly ambitious. It does not make her cool, but ultimately it helps her win according to the messed-up rules she lives by.
CHARACTER 2 (antagonist): Amanda
Basic Character Traits:
Smart as a whip, and things come easily to her
Snarky Southerner with heart and a bite
Dreamer
Little tolerance for jerks
Want/Need:
She wants to be successful but laugh all along the way. She needs to feel trust in people to open up to them at all, is cautious, but wants to keep things as relaxed as possible.
Paradoxes (Warring Elements):
She’s a dreamer but willing to do the work. She just doesn’t have to do much work.
Secret:
She doesn’t trust Jessica but has a protective sense about her anyhow that kicks in when Jessica seems vulnerable. It will ultimately cost Amanda her life.
Flaw:
Curses like a sailor and has a sharp temper
Special:
She is the kind of young woman who seems too good to be true, but because she deflects so much attention off of herself with humor, most people wouldn’t see it.
CHARACTER 3 (antagonist): Jessica’s father David
Basic Character Traits:
Deeply into appearances
Career-focused to a fault
Never loses his cool, but gets deadly calm when upset
Pretentious as hell
Want/Need:
He wants to win at life because he feels empty inside without trophies and political offices to show for himself. He needs compassion and never got it.
Paradoxes (Warring Elements):
He claims to love his daughter, seems to very much in his way, but is deeply controlling of her and sees her as yet another trophy.
Secret:
He cheated at some point in his younger life to get a spot (in college or a team or some such), and it haunts him, which is why he wants his daughter Jessica to win but only cheat in ways she can’t get in trouble for/doesn’t have to hide.
Flaw:
He can’t see that his entire life is based on facades.
Special:
He’s like a nonviolent Patrick Bateman — ruthless, broken, willing to do whatever it takes — but has benign dad vibes.
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DAY 17
(Essence Outline is posted in the Request for Feedback thread)
CONCEPT:
A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
PLOT CHOICE: Rivalry
CHARACTER STRUCTURE:
Dramatic triangle (I mention 4 characters above because it will take a number of characters for the story to work out, but only 3 will be main characters)
HOW CHARACTER STRUCTURE WILL PLAY OUT:
Jessica is a cold-blooded Southern belle high school senior who desperately wants to win a prestigious statewide scholarship competition that will get her into her dream college and pay for her future, but first she needs to eliminate the competition. Her rivals from her own high school and others in the area — mainly Amanda and Ethan — are sharp enough to know she’s the cutthroat type. But when they set out to win themselves or, at a minimum, keep Jessica from winning, they put themselves in imminent danger.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost. She is profoundly lonely.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Jessica’s father is the local mayor and Jessica’s biggest influence, giving her “helpful” success advice so that she can shine in the ways he and his wife, a senator, deem appropriate, a la high achievement.
DRAMATIC QUESTION:
How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
MAIN CONFLICT:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide one moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
DILEMMA:
Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
THEME:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
CHARACTER ARC:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it due to insecurity, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds), but at the cost of her soul
ESSENCE OUTLINE:
OPENING:
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of a prestigious Southern high school philosophy competition. These aren’t your average high school students. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it.
INCITING INCIDENT:
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U at the beginning of honors English lit. Jessica instantly starts making a plan, but Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills. Jessica’s secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality just to make herself look better to the judges.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority, while Amanda and Ethan are grudgingly starting to team up to help or fight her, whichever helps.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee, so she has to try to look convincingly kind outwardly. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action.
CRISIS:
All other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition, and Jessica still can’t measure up. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life. What can she do to push her application over the edge?
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which is harder than anticipated. But Ethan is on to her now, so Jessica eliminates Ethan forever, then tricking Amanda into falling off a cliff to her death at a local hiking park. Jessica walks away, a self-satisfied look on her face.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica doesn’t get caught in her role in her peers’ deaths, instead attending both rivals’ funerals and saying cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school, her transformation finally complete. Another younger student Jillian, Jessica’s next-door neighbor, a sophomore who has been keeping a quiet eye on Jessica all along, approaches Jessica and wants to follow in her footsteps. Jessica welcomes her into her fold.
Alternative to final scene (not sure yet):
At the assembly to announce the scholarship winner, Jessica doesn’t win, the prize going instead to a competitor Jessica thought had been out of the race but was brought back in once Amanda and Ethan died. Jessica and her parents are horrified. Another younger student Jillian, Jessica’s next-door neighbor, a sophomore who has been keeping a quiet eye on Jessica all along, approaches Jessica and wants to follow in her footsteps. Jessica welcomes her into her fold.
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Jennifer’s Pass 10: Essence Only
WHAT I LEARNED:
A lot of the dark comedy elements will only come out once the characters and dialogue are filled in, but this has been a useful exercise to hone the logic of the story. I’m also seeing just how much work is left to go.
LOGLINE:
A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
DRAMATIC QUESTION:
How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
MAIN CONFLICT:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide one moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
DILEMMA:
Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
THEME:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
ESSENCE OUTLINE:
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of a prestigious Southern high school philosophy competition. These aren’t your average high school students. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — MORNING
Over breakfast Jessica’s parents try to reverse engineer why Jessica lost. Jessica’s father, the mayor of their town, wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead, while Jessica’s mother, a senator, tells Jessica to focus on the goal to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica agrees to go on a hike with her father to their favorite spot.
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself again for hesitating in the final round, stressed almost to the point of unhinged. She looks out her window and sees her younger neighbor Jillian looking at her timidly from her own bedroom window. Jillian looks away when caught.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U at the beginning of honors English lit. Jessica instantly starts making a plan, but Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills. Jessica’s secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
While doing a service project for children’s charity she’s just joined, Jessica forces a scholarship competitor out of helping so she looks better because it’s easier to pick on the little guy rather than a true peer like Amanda or Ethan. Amanda defends the competitor, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
Jessica works the signup table at a charity race, where Amanda shows up unprepared for the race and notes she’s gotten word that Ethan, and Amanda are in the top 12 on the shortlist for the scholarship. Neighbor Jillian and Ethan show up to run. Jessica seethes secretly to her father, who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race while showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool. “Act the part, dear.”
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
A runner is hurt, and other runners stop to help him out, but not Jessica. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead, while in a surprise move Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica. Jessica is lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda bond over discussing Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (accidentally curses under her breath, which is against the race rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and acting books. V.O. Jessica shares that her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves now being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica and decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters and reviews her flashcards intensely. Jillian is a junior member of Jessica’s school team.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage to avoid showing her disappointment.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She is there alone with no allies so she talks to Amanda briefly, who came with Ethan. She catches two other competitors making out, which is against the morality clause of the scholarship, and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica tips off the dance chaperone and anonymously notifies the scholarship committee that the other competitors have done something against the rules. She smiles. Jillian sees her there but walks away quickly when observed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher running scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica verbally abuses Jillian while accuses Jillian of stalking her, then turns around to greet Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
How to beat them? Oppo research. Jessica types up a detailed analysis of Amanda and Ethan. But she also needs something else to help her shine.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned from her reading. Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous and shares that Ethan has a deadly food allergy to hazelnuts.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan sees through Jessica while Amanda does not, not exactly anyway.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another justification (TBC) for why she should win scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Two days later, Jessica checks her phone and sees that scholarship scores have updated, but she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked. What can she do to push things over the top?
INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY
Desperate, Jessica buys a stack of true crime, chemistry, and medical books in cash. Ms. Mitchell (English teacher, scholarship organizer) is going to say hello but hesitates, while Jillian lurks in the background and takes a photo of the books Jessica just bought. Jessica doesn’t see either one and leaves.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny). Just as she starts trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Her mother interrupts and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.” Jessica closes her laptop.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan doing something unethical TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan but also worried about Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit?
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Jessica exits classroom and sees Jillian watching her. She walks over to Jillian and tells her she doesn’t appreciate Jillian following her around. (This will link back to the materials in the book on manipulation that Jessica read, and it’s clear Jessica is getting more paranoid.)
EXT. JESSICA’S BACKYARD — NIGHT
Jessica sits in front of a fire burning in a fire pit. Her father peeks out and asks what she’s doing. Her answer: strategizing how to win. He nods his approval. In the distance Jillian looks out a window and sees Jessica by the fire.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica arrives at the school with coffees in hand for herself, Amanda, and Ethan as an academic competition is about to start. Ethan confirms what’s in the coffee to make sure it’s safe and drinks. Amanda doesn’t make it to the event at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a folding table and chairs.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Ethan turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble and asks how she got him in trouble and out of the scholarship competition. Jessica discusses it casually while grabbing something out of her bag. A glove and a bottle of … something. She makes sure no one is looking, puts the glove on while Ethan is wrangling the item around in his car’s trunk, and dabs the edge of the bottle carefully with one gloved finger. He is almost done loading the trunk and calls her a piece of work. She looks like she might be softening or even try to kiss him, then puts one finger up to his mouth and says, “Shhh.” He starts to feel strange instantly and breathes funny. He looks for his bag and collapses, asking Jessica to go inside and get his adrenaline shot from his backpack. For a moment she is in shock, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica looks frantically for Ethan’s backpack and riffles through it to search for the medicine while the other couple people look on. An ambulance siren rings in the background.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went. She glibly says a contestant died from anaphylaxis and that it was horrible. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her bloody steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of gratefulness (or is it recognition?) in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral, Ethan, and why Jessica wants the scholarship so much. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica convinces the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths, and Jessica says that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents, but when cops leave, her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face. Jessica smiles and walks into …
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
She pours a cup of coffee, reaches into the spice cabinet, and pulls out a bottle we’ve seen before, hazelnut extract, which is what she used to kill Ethan. She drops some into her coffee and hums to herself while stirring, happy for a brief moment in time.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief and tries to reassure her of her innocence.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (this will be developed in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. What does Jessica hope to do in the future? Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam. In the background is Jillian who has been there all along looking on and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps, looking at her own copy of one of the books Jessica had been poring over earlier.
Alternative to final scene (not sure yet):
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Mitchell goes up on stage to announce who wins the scholarship, and Jessica thinks it will be her, but she’s wrong. Ms. Mitchell instead names a competitor Jessica thought had been out of the race but was brought back in once Amanda and Ethan died. Jessica and her parents are horrified.
INT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
As Jessica and her parents walk away from the assembly in shock, V.O. Jessica saying that Ms. Mitchell better watch her back, an evil glint in her eye. Jillian walks up to Jessica and says, “Let’s make Mitchell pay.” Jessica welcomes her into her fold.
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Jennifer’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
WHAT I LEARNED:
There are little odds and ends that I’m still going to be refining going forward, and this was a useful pass through the outline for me.
WHAT CAN BE IMPROVED:
I’m going to take a shortcut just this one time and note that my outline has several TBC (to be confirmed) sections that I have been working on. Some still need work that will require more time than I had for this assignment, and one in particular might entail a rewrite of several scenes. To avoid doing that for now, I will note that several scenes in Act 2 especially needed to be tightened, and then in early Act 3 the implications of those Act 2 scenes needed work as well. I’m posting an updated outline below, but I know it will still need some work. But I need to do that when I can really dig into rewriting a large chunk of Act 3 and compare it with the current version to see if it’s worth making the larger shift.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — MORNING
While drinking their morning coffee, Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians (father is mayor or something like that, mother is a US senator), and her father wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead. Jessica’s mother isn’t impressed by that but still tells Jessica to focus on the goal, part of which is to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged. She looks out her window and sees her younger neighbor Jillian looking at her timidly from her own bedroom window. Jillian looks away instantly when caught.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP Literature class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. Jessica works to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping so she looks better because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and casually notes that she, Amanda, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. She casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Neighbor Jillian comes up, Jessica says a snarky hi, and Jillian runs in the race as well. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race and seethes secretly to her father (mother is rarely there), who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool. “Act the part, dear.”
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure, bond over that and their own admissions of fear of failure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are both against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and acting books. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan start to team up.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica’s behavior, decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win. Jillian is a junior member of Jessica’s school team.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding, tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage it.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene. (We need to see this play out in an upcoming scene TBC.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, needs to look convincingly kind outwardly and show good sportsmanship regardless of how she feels inside. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She is there alone with no allies so she talks to Amanda briefly, who came with Ethan. She catches two other competitors making out, which is against the morality clause of the scholarship, and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica tips off the dance chaperone and anonymously notifies the scholarship committee that the other competitors have done something against the rules. She smiles. Jillian sees her there but walks away quickly when observed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica verbally abuses Jillian and accuses Jillian of stalking her, then turns around to greet Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
How to beat them? Oppo research. Jessica types up a detailed analysis of Amanda and Ethan. But she also needs something else to help her shine.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned through her reading. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous and shares that Ethan has a deadly food allergy to hazelnuts like a news story that just popped up on her phone.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan sees through Jessica while Amanda does not, not exactly anyway. Jessica scans lines for an audition of some sort.
CRISIS:
All other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. Jessica is more committed to winning than ever, but Amanda or Ethan continue to best her. She’s going to have to go outside her comfort zone.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another justification (TBC) for why she should win scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Two days later, Jessica checks her phone and sees scores have updated, but she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked. What can she do to push things over the top?
INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY
Jessica buys a stack of true crime, chemistry, and medical books in cash while wearing a cap and plain sweatshirt/hoodie. Ms. Mitchell is also there and sees her, is going to say hello and hesitates. Jillian lurks in the background and takes a photo of the books Jessica just bought. Jessica doesn’t see either one and leaves.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan doing something unethical TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions being worried about Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit? Then …
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Jessica exits classroom and sees Jillian watching her. She walks over to Jillian and tells her she doesn’t appreciate Jillian following her around. (This will link back to the materials in the book on manipulation that Jessica read, and it’s clear Jessica is getting more paranoid.) Jillian tries to defend herself, but Jessica insists Jillian back off.
EXT. JESSICA’S BACKYARD — NIGHT
Jessica sits in front of a fire burning in a fire pit. Her father peeks out at her and asks what she’s doing. Her answer: strategizing how to win. He nods his approval. Jillian looks out a window of her house and sees Jessica by the fire.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica arrives at the school with coffees in hand for herself, Amanda, and Ethan. An academic competition is about to start. Ethan confirms what’s in the coffee to make sure it’s safe and drinks. Amanda doesn’t make it to the event at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item (table, chairs).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica discusses it casually while grabbing something out of her bag. A glove and a bottle of … something. She makes sure no one is looking, puts the glove on while Ethan is wrangling the item around in his car’s trunk, and dabs the edge of the bottle carefully with one gloved finger. He is almost done loading the trunk and calls her a piece of work. She looks like she might be softening or even try to kiss him, then puts one finger up to his mouth and says, “Shhh.” He starts to feel strange instantly and breathes funny. He looks for his bag and collapses, asking Jessica to go inside and get his adrenaline shot. For a moment she is in shock, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica looks frantically for Ethan’s backpack and riffles through it to search for the medicine while the other couple people look on. An ambulance siren rings in the background.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant died from anaphylaxis and that it was horrible. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her bloody steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of gratefulness (or is it recognition?) in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, and they talk about how Ethan died, Amanda noting how scary it must have been for him — and for Jessica to witness. Amanda asks why Jessica wants the scholarship so much. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals, wins the competition, and rules the school. Another younger student who’s been there all along wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica convinces the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face. Jessica walks into …
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
She pours a cup of coffee, reaches into the spice cabinet and pulls out a bottle we’ve seen before, hazelnut extract, which is what she used to kill Ethan. She hums to herself, happy for a brief moment in time.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief and tries to reassure her of her innocence.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the audience. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – perhaps a bit of both), looking at her own copy of one of the books Jessica had been poring over earlier.
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Jennifer’s Pass #8: Cliche Busting!
WHAT I LEARNED: I don’t know yet how to end this screenplay, but doing this brainstorming has been meaningful and given me a range of new options, at least one of which is far more in keeping with the satirical tone of the whole story. I need to sleep on these ideas, but the last one on my list helped me get a broader sense of the tone of the whole movie.
CHOSEN SCENE: Final scene
PURPOSE: This scene wraps up the movie, showing what happens to the protagonist after all of her misdeeds (and in a satire, it isn’t pretty). She wins the prize, gets the glory, is not held accountable, and seems geared to press on as the monster she’s become. But someone out there is either following in her footsteps or will hold her back in a terrifying way.
IDEAS:
–Ms. Mitchell goes up on stage to announce who wins the scholarship, and Jessica thinks it will be her, but she’s wrong. Ms. Mitchell says another name of a competitor Jessica thought had been out of the race but was brought back in once Amanda and Ethan died. Jessica is horrified, and her parents are embarrassed. As they walk away from the assembly, V.O. Jessica saying that Ms. Mitchell better watch her back, an evil glint in her eye. Jillian walks up to Jessica and says, “Let’s make her pay.” Jessica welcomes her into her fold.
–Jessica wins but isn’t satisfied, sets a new, even loftier goal, and her neighbor Jillian is close on her trail, ready to follow the leader or torment her.
–Jessica doesn’t win the scholarship. In fact, no one does because the scholarship committee (Ms. Mitchell) determines that Jessica doesn’t have the ethics to fulfill the qualifications. Jessica’s parents are outraged but put on cool politician smirks as they announce they will litigate this decision. Jessica melts down on stage, possibly hurting her parents and Ms. Mitchell. Jillian steps up to the mic, tentatively speaking at first but grabbing the limelight and talking about X.
–Jillian approaches Jessica right before she’s going to be awarded the scholarship and tells Jessica she knows what she did. Jessica threatens her, and Jillian threatens her right back with making everything public right here and now. “What do you want?” asks Jessica. Jillian: “To learn how to win, just like you.” Jessica puts her arm around Jillian and says, “Deal.”
–Jillian approaches Jessica right before she’s going to be awarded the scholarship and tells Jessica she knows what she did. Jessica says, “You can’t prove anything.” Jillian reveals what she knows, which is a lot. Jessica finds a discreet way to knock Jillian out backstage. V.O. “I play to win. She’s just an amateur.” Jillian grins and does a power walk toward her place on the stage for the announcement.
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Jennifer’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains
WHAT I LEARNED:
This helped me see a couple details in the story that didn’t add up yet that I could sense weren’t right already but couldn’t put my finger on. I tend to write intuitively in the moment, but love having checklists of points to analyze after I have something down, and this is something I would already have known to check through for any writing assignment (not just screenwriting) but very much appreciate it being a part of the process being taught here.
1.
SP CHAIN 1:
Setup: Jessica upset about loss at philosophy tournament
Payoff 1: J plots with parents
Payoff 2: J uses new methods at later academic tournament, still loses
Payoff 3: J get Ethan disqualified from next academic tournament, but he knows she did it
Payoff 4: She kills Ethan and gets by with it
SP CHAIN 2:
Setup: Jessica is a subject-matter genius on many things, such as computers, diseases/pathology, entomology, politics
Payoff 1: She doesn’t win multiple academic tournaments because she holds back out of anxiety
Payoff 2: She later secretly kills Ethan using her knowledge
SP CHAIN 3:
Setup: She used to be obsessed with hiking a particular trail with her father
Payoff 1: She later kills Amanda by letting Amanda fall down a cliff
SP CHAIN 4:
Setup: Mother focuses on J going to Chapman U and creating a “power base”
Payoff 1: J works toward scholarship
Payoff 2: J eschews attempts to make friends at school except for “power base”
Payoff 3: J kills off “power base” to get to Chapman and start living “for real” and building her platform
Payoff 4: J gains sympathy and respect from classmates for winning scholarship to Chapman, while also developing either an enemy or a superfan in her next-door neighbor Jillian
SP CHAIN 5:
Setup: J’s tech skills are legendary, but her depth of knowledge of many topics is unparalleled
Payoff 1: She goes high tech to eliminate Ethan
Payoff 2: Ethan knows she did it but can’t prove it
Payoff 3: J kills E using low-tech means from her personal library and has already dumped the books she got her info from
SP CHAIN 6:
Setup: J reads up on how to manipulate people to her advantage
Payoff 1: It initially doesn’t work with competitor in competition
Payoff 2: She convinces A to trust her
Payoff 3: She continues to use the language she learned in the book to show off her prowess in the end
SP CHAIN 7:
Setup: From the start Amanda has a distinctive speech pattern and is confident, affectionate, if a showoff, and Ethan does as well
Payoff 1: At end J uses some of Amanda and Ethan’s exact phrasings as her own in her speech
SP CHAIN 8:
Setup: J lets us know from the beginning that she is secretly vulnerable and tentative but wants to win
Payoff 1: There are tons of individual payoffs, but she struggles initially to act/pretend to be bold
Payoff 2: She gets bolder in competition but doesn’t win
Payoff 3: We see J show one side of herself to a competitor and then immediately switch to a different persona with Amanda, which is new and frightening
Payoff 4: Through voiceover throughout, J transforms from vulnerable and tentative to decisive at the end, even if it costs her her soul
SP CHAIN 9:
Setup: J notes that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” J’s solution: Oppo research.
Payoff 1: She learns Ethan’s weaknesses and exploits them to kill him while making it look like an accident.
Payoff 2: She learns how to manipulate Amanda and kills her.
Payoff 3: POSSIBLY: Something to do with Ms. Mitchell, the scholarship supervisor from their school and one of their teachers
SP CHAIN 10:
Setup: Jessica has an extensive library in her room.
Payoff 1: Jessica buys books.
Payoff 2: Jessica burns books (but audience doesn’t know it yet).
Payoff 3: Jessica uses knowledge from one book to kill Ethan.
SP CHAIN 11: POSSIBLY:
Setup: News story in background on contaminated snack that reveals Ethan’s allergy
Payoff 1: Ethan’s allergy mentioned
Payoff 2: J later kills Ethan secretly by contaminating his drink with his food allergen
SP CHAIN 12:
Setup: Next door neighbor Jillian is a sophomore and another quiet, dark soul. Jessica says hello to her but doesn’t give her attention otherwise.
Payoff 1: Jillian is part of junior teams for same competitions as Jessica, so we often see her in the background helping out.
Payoff 2: Jillian sees Jessica at bookstore.
Payoff 3: Jillian sees Jessica sitting by fire in fire pit.
Payoff 4: In the background Jillian looks on when Jessica receives scholarship, takes notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — MORNING
While drinking their morning coffee, Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians (father is mayor or something like that, mother is a US senator), and her father wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead. Jessica’s mother isn’t impressed by that but still tells Jessica to focus on the goal, part of which is to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged. She looks out her window and sees her younger neighbor Jillian looking at her timidly. Jillian looks away instantly when caught.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP Literature class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and casually notes that she, Amanda, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. She casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Neighbor Jillian comes up, Jessica says hi, and Jillian runs in the race as well. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father (mother is rarely there), who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure, bond over that and their own admissions of fear of failure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are grudgingly starting to team up to help or fight her, whichever helps.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica’s behavior, decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win. Jillian is a timid junior member of Jessica’s school team.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding, tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage it.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene. (We need to see this play out in an upcoming scene TBC.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, needs to look convincingly kind outwardly and show good sportsmanship regardless of how she feels inside. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action and start eliminating the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She is there alone with no allies so she talks to Amanda briefly, who came with Ethan. She catches two other competitors doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles. Jillian sees her there but walks away quickly when observed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses Jillian and accuses Jillian of stalking her, then turns around to greet Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes. Two words: oppo research.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned through her reading. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC) and shares that Ethan has a deadly food allergy like a news story that just popped up on her phone.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan sees through Jessica while Amanda does not.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She racks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY
Jessica buys a stack of true crime, chemistry, and medical books in cash while wearing a cap and plain sweatshirt/hoodie. Ms. Mitchell is also there and sees her, is going to say hello and hesitates. Jillian lurks in the background and takes a photo of the books Jessica just bought. Jessica doesn’t see either one and leaves.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions being worried about Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit? Then …
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Jessica exits classroom and sees Jillian watching her. She walks over to Jillian and tells her she doesn’t appreciate Jillian following her around. (This will link back to the materials in the book on manipulation that Jessica read, and it’s clear Jessica is getting more paranoid.) Jillian tries to defend herself, but Jessica insists Jillian back off.
EXT. JESSICA’S BACKYARD — NIGHT
Jessica sits in front of a fire burning in a fire pit. Her father peeks out at her and asks what she’s doing. Her answer: strategizing how to win. He nods his approval. Jillian looks out a window of her house and sees Jessica by the fire.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica arrives at the school with coffees in hand for herself, Amanda, and Ethan. An academic competition is about to start. Ethan confirms what’s in the coffee to make sure it’s safe and drinks. Amanda doesn’t make it to the event at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica discusses it casually while grabbing something out of her bag. A glove and a bottle of … something. She makes sure no one is looking, puts the glove on while Ethan is wrangling the item around in his car’s trunk, and dabs the edge of the bottle carefully with one gloved finger. He is almost done loading the trunk and calls her a piece of work. She puts one finger up to his mouth and says, “Shhh.” He starts to feel strange instantly and breathes funny. He looks for his bag and collapses, asking Jessica to go inside and get his adrenaline shot. For a moment she is in shock, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica looks frantically for Ethan’s backpack and riffles through it to search for the medicine while the other couple people look on. An ambulance siren rings in the background.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant died from anaphylaxis and that it was horrible. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her bloody steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of gratefulness (or is it recognition?) in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, and they talk about how Ethan died, Amanda noting how scary it must have been for him — and for Jessica to witness. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student Jillian, the next-door neighbor, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face. Jessica walks into …
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
She pours a cup of coffee, reaches into the spice cabinet and pulls out a bottle we’ve seen before, hazelnut extract, which is what she used to kill Ethan. She hums to herself, happy for a brief moment in time.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the audience. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – perhaps a bit of both), looking at her own copy of one of the books Jessica had been poring over earlier.
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Jennifer’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning
WHAT I’VE LEARNED:
I already had a couple subplots informally laced into my outline, but this helped me formalize two of them more specifically so that I don’t forget key details. I also see the need for one additional subplot now that I have done this work to give the story an adult who does better (or tries to), but I will do this work later.
1.
SUBPLOT 1: Jessica (protag.) and her parents
Beginning: Jessica’s parents help her Monday morning quarterback a loss in an academic competition. We discover that Jessica’s father is teaching her how to be a success by the unethical political rules he embodies. This has led to him being successful at the local level. Jessica’s mother is a US senator — the first female senator from her state — and the more successful among the two parents. She finds trying too hard to be problematic and thinks success needs to come more naturally. Both parents are still full of “all” the answers.
Middle: When Jessica is not appearing to succeed in the scholarship competition, her parents give her notes that egg her into crossing over from being unsure of herself to a “winner.”
End: Her parents have backed off and are totally supportive as Jessica moves into the new winning phase of life reflecting their image, even when her “friends” die.
SUBPLOT 2: Amanda and Ethan’s friendship
Beginning: Initially Amanda and Ethan are rivals from different schools, but clearly they and Jessica are all top achievers and true peers for one another. They are not friends, but have a respect for each other’s intellect, if not kindness toward one another. They seem harsh and cold and calculating.
Middle: Amanda and Ethan start warming to one another as friends in part because they are horrified at how Jessica seems to be reacting to the pressure of the scholarship competition, which no one else sees. We see how below their high-performing surfaces, they are actually caring people.
End: Amanda and Ethan have become close enough that Amanda is shattered when he dies (by Jessica’s hands, secretly). We see Amanda want to protect Jessica from what A sees as J’s overly demanding parents, but Jessica has crossed over to the dark side and kills her too.
SUBPLOT 3: Ms. Collins
This one I haven’t figured out yet and will not incorporate in my outline until I have thought it through. But it’s on the to-do list.
2. Pick one subplot (or more) you’d like to improve and answer the question, “How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”
I have now figured out above how to make the parents of Jessica far more painfully unsupportive of her, which adds to Jessica’s urge to excel at all costs, and incorporated it in the outline below.
3. PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — NIGHT
Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians (father is mayor or something like that, mother is a US senator), and her father wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead. Jessica’s mother isn’t impressed by that but still tells Jessica to focus on the goal, part of which is to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP World History class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and casually notes that she, Amanda, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. She casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father (mother is rarely there), who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure, bond over that and their own admissions of fear of failure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are grudgingly starting to team up to help or fight her, whichever helps.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica’s behavior, decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding, tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage it.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene. (We need to see this play out in an upcoming scene TBC.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, needs to look convincingly kind outwardly and show good sportsmanship regardless of how she feels inside. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action and start eliminating the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She catches them doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses another classmate and greets Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes. Two words: oppo research.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan notes he sees through Jessica while Amanda does not.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She racks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit?
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after an academic competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC. Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica makes sure no one is looking, gives a hint, and kills Ethan in a way that looks accidental even though she thought it through in advance. For a moment she is shocked she actually did it, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant was killed. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of recognition in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, but Jessica keeps making digs to make Amanda self-conscious. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the background. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on, taking notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – TBC, and it might be several students, not just one, who do this).
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Jennifer’s Pass #5: Action / Reaction
WHAT I’VE LEARNED: I’ve now made sure that there is always an emotional impact clearly reflected in my outline, but this is a story about human emotion, so that was already there in the previous version as well. It is useful to use action/reaction and any meaningful consequences as a means of evaluating the logic of the plot. I keep enjoying these very specific steps because they complement how I write naturally at this point (as someone who has been a professional writer in other fields for a very long time) and give me a neat checklist to use in the future as well to improve literally any story.
CONCEPT: A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
PROTAGONIST GOAL:
Dilemma = Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing the conditional love of her parents
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds), but loses her soul in the process
MAIN CONFLICT:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide one moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
ACTION/REACTION LIST:
Protagonist (anti-hero) J vs. Antagonist A
—————————————————–
J tries hard to win academic competition
A wins effortlessly
Jessica tries to reverse engineer A’s win, plans attack for scholarship
A knows she’s top candidate
J works svc project, eliminates comp. via technicality
A defends competitor, remains laid back
J signs people up for race
A hasn’t prepared, may not finish (need to switch A to main competitor in race; maybe Ethan (E) and A are best buddies)
J doesn’t help fellow runner in race
A breezes by after helping runner
J gets A disqualified
A laughs it off
J learns manipulation techniques
It doesn’t work on competitor
J is angry she didn’t win
A asks J, genuinely concerned, if J is OK
J softens secretly but still ups her game, decides to befriend A and E
A shares info with J that makes J jealous
J expects her next submission for scholarship to push her into 1st place, finds out she is still in 3rd
A tries to calm her down, humiliates J instead
J contemplates suicide, decides to eliminate E instead, thinking it will bring down A as well
A again shows compassion
J kills E secretly
A and J neck and neck in competition
A invites J to talk in support of their grief over E
A attempts kindness
J starts an argument with A
A wants to find common ground
J sets up A to fall
A dies
EMOTIONAL MOMENTS PROTAGONIST GOES THROUGH TO FACE CHANGE:
Nearly every action listed above is an emotional one for the Protagonist Jessica, whose entire identity is predicated on winning by Act 2 even if there were signs of hope initially. Rather than list them all here, I have simply done a bit of updating in the outline below to reflect emotional responses that weren’t clear previously in a couple scenes.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — NIGHT
Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians. Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP World History class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and casually notes that she, Jessica, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. She casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father, who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for her standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are grudgingly starting to team up to fight her.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win.
Later:
Jessica competes, and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene. (We need to see this play out in an coming scene TBC.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, and if that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action and start eliminating the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She catches them doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses another classmate and greets Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes. Two words: oppo research.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She racks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit?
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after an academic competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC. Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica makes sure no one is looking, gives a hint, and kills Ethan in a way that looks accidental even though she thought it through in advance. For a moment she is shocked she actually did it, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant was killed. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of recognition in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, but Jessica keeps making digs to make Amanda self-conscious. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the background. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on, taking notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – TBC, and it might be several students, not just one, who do this).
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Jennifer’s NQ 3 and 4
WHAT I’VE LEARNED:
This set of questions is incredibly helpful in terms of letting me see which emotional plot points need to take place to set up the heart of this story. I had sensed that something wasn’t quite right in the character arc of the protagonist, an antihero who wants to win at all costs, but needs to show a human side here and there along the way along with rejecting the humanity of others. I have found a couple different ways to show the main characters’ vulnerabilities in ways that strengthen the outline significantly.
CONCEPT: A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
EMOTIONAL DILEMMA:
Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?
Jessica really wants to win, to be the best in her class and in life, but initially she is just focused on winning individual competitions while preparing for college applications the following year, which she thinks is the conduit to the life she wants as an achiever. The emotional dilemma shows up when the scholarship competition is announced, and Jessica realizes that rather than competing in the casually intense way she has with her peers, now she’s either going to have to engage in hand-to-hand combat (figuratively speaking) with Amanda and Ethan and be cutthroat to win, which will impress her parents, or stay softer, gentler and maybe not win, but have the respect of her peers.
How are both sides of the issue built up?
I need to add more in at the beginning of the story to show Jessica’s initial innocence (if an intensely intellectually competitive Southern belle achiever type can be innocent — in the sense her soul isn’t lost yet to the dark side of competitiveness) so that the contrast is there between her original self and who she becomes as she starts playing dirty to get ahead. Jessica will be portrayed as well-intentioned but wanting to win initially, and behind the scenes her parents are encouraging her to be more aggressive in pursuing the win (subplot).
When does the protagonist make the choice?
She starts making the choice as she enters the scholarship competition, but tension builds as she and her fellow competitors do activities that increase in complexity and require more actual human kindness and understanding, which Jessica falls short of having already and struggles further to show while Amanda and Ethan are obviously better people than she. She still doesn’t want to go full evil, however, and thinks she can pull some strings, disqualify a few less capable candidates, and then she’ll be in the clear to win. But slowly she sees that the only way out is through: she will have to do dark deeds to have any chance of winning the scholarship and setting herself up for life.
What does she lose in making that choice?
Her soul, any innocence she had to begin with, any childlike wonder she still had before she decides to eliminate her competition permanently from the scholarship and life itself. She thinks she’s better off having her parents’ approval, but the audience sees she has lost herself in the process.
THEME: Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
What are both sides of your theme?
Winning at all costs pays off immensely.
Winning at all costs is not a true win in the end.
How will both sides show up throughout your story?
We will see Amanda and Ethan acknowledge that there is only so far they’re willing to go for a scholarship, even if they desperately need/want it. Their humanizing actions will illuminate how a sane, healthy human might react to a tough situation. When Amanda and Ethan team up, they need to debate how far they’re willing to go and reel each other in. One or both will be tempted by the devil on their shoulder, but they won’t ultimately go that route.
Meanwhile Jessica has the same thoughts along the way but chooses the dark route, a true winner in the end no matter what.
How does the climax of the story demand your message?
Jessica wins the scholarship and the life she wants in the end, but at the price of no longer even having peers at her school like her. But she has indicated another set of desires early in the story TBC that she gives up on by the end as well. It would seem she has won, but the younger student who emulates Jessica may just seek her revenge, so we know Jessica can’t rest for long before the game begins again for her.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — NIGHT
Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians.
EXT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of scholarship before AP World History class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not. How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Jessica and Ethan becomes clear. She texts her father that they need to make a plan.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. TBC — DAY
Jessica does service project TBC. She literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Ethan walks up to get his number and casually notes that he, Jessica, Amanda, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to his inside source. He casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father, who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has also been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda are grudgingly becoming friends as they speculate on what Jessica is up to.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Ethan in on a strange technicality, so he loses his standing in the race.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being the only semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. Between their snark we see them start to trust one another enough to mention that Jessica is going a bit too far. Jessica enters. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win.
Later:
Jessica competes, and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. CHARITY BALL — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser while two other scholarship competitors help out. She catches them doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses another classmate and greets Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her. Amanda accidentally shares info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after an academic competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC. Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica makes sure no one is looking and kills Ethan (method TBC) in a way that looks accidental. For a moment she is shocked at what she did, then visibly relaxes and smiles, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant was killed. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of recognition in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Amanda looks wary but says OK. Jessica tells her where to meet.
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, but Jessica keeps making digs to make Amanda self-conscious. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the background. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on, taking notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – TBC, and it might be several students, not just one, who do this).
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Jennifer’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2
WHAT I’VE LEARNED: This particular pass is allowing me to see that I already have a solid foundation. There’s much more to do, and I’m still not thrilled that there’s not a good way to reflect a satirical tone in the outline, but it’s the nature of the outline form.
CONCEPT: A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
First established: Within the first 10 pages when we see Jessica get excited about the announcement of the scholarship, which would set her up to win for life (in her mind — this is a satire of achiever types and what’s at stake).
How does the DQ increase in intensity? We see Jessica become willing to do increasingly awful things in order to ensure she wins, but we won’t know until close to the end whether she wins.
Where does the DQ finally get answered? In the final scenes, Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Ms. Collins approaches Jessica to congratulate her on her win/speech but whispers that Jessica will always know she didn’t have a fighting chance without the death of the other two (Jessica’s response TBC), so we see that any good part there ever existed in Jessica is gone, and she’s now committed to this life of achievement at all costs. Maybe politics is in her future?
MAIN CONFLICT: Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide a moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she ultimately realizes Jessica is willing to go to.
When does the MC first show up? Jessica and Amanda are already duking it out in the opening scene and continue on until close to the end.
How many ways can you express the MC throughout the story? There are several scenes reinforcing this conflict.
What brings the MC to a boiling point in the 3rd Act? Jessica realizes that Amanda will win, is scoring higher than her in the scholarship competition because she is the better person and not having to “fake it till she makes it.” They’re down to the line, and Jessica decides to eliminate Amanda permanently.
How is the MC resolved? Jessica makes sure Amanda doesn’t survive a trip to a local hiking path and ultimately wins the scholarship by default. Jessica ultimately knows she isn’t a real winner because of what she did and has to live with that knowledge forever.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians.
EXT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of scholarship before AP World History class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not. How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Jessica and Ethan becomes clear. She texts her father that they need to talk.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. TBC — DAY
Jessica does service project TBC. She literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Ethan walks up to get his number and casually notes that he, Jessica, Amanda, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to his inside source. He casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father, who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has also been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Ethan in on a strange technicality, so he loses his standing in the race.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being the only semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. Between their snark we see them start to trust one another enough to mention that Jessica is going a bit too far. Jessica enters. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win.
Later:
Jessica competes, and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. CHARITY BALL — NIGHT
Jessica runs fundraiser while two other scholarship competitors help out. She catches them doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses another classmate and greets Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her. Amanda accidentally shares info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after an academic competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC. Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica makes sure no one is looking and kills Ethan (method TBC) in a way that looks accidental. For a moment she is shocked at what she did, then visibly relaxes and smiles, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant was killed. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of recognition in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Amanda looks wary but says OK. Jessica tells her where to meet.
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, but Jessica keeps making digs to make Amanda self-conscious. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the background. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on, taking notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
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Jennifer McCay – Request for feedback – SLW Version 1
CONCEPT: A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
PLOT CHOICE: 8. RIVALRY
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic triangle (I mention 4 characters because it will take a number of characters for the story to work out, but only 3 will be main characters)
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Jessica (protagonist) is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Amanda (opponent 1) is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Ethan (opponent 2) is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for. She sees Jessica for who she really is.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
MAIN CONFLICT: Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide a moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she ultimately realizes Jessica is willing to go to.
DILEMMA: Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
THEME: Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
CHARACTER ARC OF LEAD CHARACTER:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing the conditional love of her parents
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds), but loses her soul in the process
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING: Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT: A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced, guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers U, the Harvard of the South; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen? Ms. Collins is visibly skeptical of Jessica when she announces the scholarship to Jessica’s class.
BY PAGE 10: We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally, and her mother expects her to win with ease no matter what.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1: The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges. Amanda does well. Ethan does OK. Ms. Collins sees through Jessica, whose mother is equally critical of seeing Jessica look like she’s trying hard. (“You never see a Southern woman sweat.”)
MIDPOINT: Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2: After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee, especially Ms. Collins. She has to take drastic action and starts concocting a complex plan to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Citywide charity project TBC. Step 2: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS: Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. But the TBC charity project Jessica is leading is failing miserably. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, and Ms. Collins reprimands Jessica for unsportsmanlike behavior. Jessica’s mother hints that playing dirty sometimes helps. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX: Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate in the moment — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION: Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals with her mother and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Ms. Collins approaches Jessica to congratulate her on her win/speech but whispers that Jessica will always know she didn’t have a fighting chance without the death of the other two (Jessica’s response TBC). We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps. Jessica walks away arm in arm with her mother.
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Jennifer’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is every pass through an outline is worth doing and reveals potential areas for improvement and additional layers to make the story more powerful. Being this focused was particularly useful because it helped me recognize what had felt off about the outline previously. But there is more work to be done, and I’m looking forward to the next few passes.
2. BEFORE:
Concept:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
Lead Characters:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
8. RIVALRY
OPENING:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen?
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Main Conflict:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival from another school, Ethan, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Ethan will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Ethan will provide a moral core as he tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes he grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to. [NOTE: Before I wrote the outline, I realized that Amanda is the best rival for Jessica rather than Ethan and wrote the plot details with Amanda as the biggest opponent.]
DQ: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
Dilemma:
Win and lose all her friends and loved ones for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
Theme:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
I think the basic elements of the story work together. But right now I find the events in the story themselves to be too mundane, so I need to brainstorm each individual way in which Jessica attempts to one-up her competitors to show her brokenness and lack of service in a funny, glib way. The Southern setting needs to be exaggerated for humor.
I also need to find the “heart” in this tale so that audiences aren’t left cold … or perhaps I need to find some special hook/humor like in American Psycho that means the audience never sympathizes but does find the story hilariously telling from start to finish. Perhaps the teacher running the scholarship competition, Ms. Collins, should play more prominently as a moral center?
I also am seeing how hard it is to imply satire in a straightforward outline format, which is complicating this (because things that will be over-the-top obviously funny in the script seem flat written this way).
As I started working out the plot in a more detailed way, it became clear that Amanda needs to be Jessica’s biggest rival, with Ethan a definite second. (But Amanda is more parallel and a better foil, which will lead to more humor along the way.)
The stakes need to be super high for Jessica. Perhaps her parents harass her for not succeeding?
4. AFTER:
Concept:
A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
Lead Characters:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
8. RIVALRY
OPENING:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers U, the Harvard of the South; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen? Ms. Collins is visibly skeptical of Jessica when she announces the scholarship to Jessica’s class.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally, and her mother expects her to win with ease no matter what.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges. Amanda does well. Ethan does OK. Ms. Collins sees through Jessica, whose mother is equally critical of seeing Jessica look like she’s trying hard. (“You never see a Southern woman sweat.”)
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee, especially Ms. Collins. She has to take drastic action and starts concocting a complex plan to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Citywide charity project TBC. Step 2: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. But the TBC charity project Jessica is leading is failing miserably. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, and Ms. Collins reprimands Jessica for unsportsmanlike behavior. Jessica’s mother hints that playing dirty sometimes helps. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate in the moment — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals with her mother and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Ms. Collins approaches Jessica to congratulate her on her win/speech but whispers that Jessica will always know she didn’t have a fighting chance without the death of the other two (Jessica’s response TBC). We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps. Jessica walks away arm in arm with her mother.
Character Arc:
[Some of this may need to change, but I’m not clear on how yet so everything below this point is the same as above other than Main Conflict, which I updated to avoid confusion]
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Main Conflict:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide one moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
DQ: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
Dilemma:
Win and lose all her friends and loved ones for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
Theme:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
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Jennifer’s 1st Pass
WHAT I LEARNED:
Tone and dialogue going to make a huge difference in how this script comes to life. The individual events aren’t necessarily unusual in and of themselves — all needing to be true-to-life (if larger-than-life) situations a hardcore high school overachiever might find herself in — which means that how the characters interact with each other in those events determines the trajectory of the whole story. I am big on outlining, and working this way for this class is helping me gain confidence about the story I’m trying to tell well eventually.
1. LOGLINE:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rivals and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
2. PLOT/PLOT SUMMARY:
RIVALRY (changed this after a previous assignment):
Protagonist Jessica pits herself against her two main rivals Ethan and Amanda to win a prestigious scholarship competition. As Jessica gets more bold in the methods she employs to get ahead in the judges’ eyes, her rivals struggle to maintain their lead against Jessica’s ruthlessness. At first it seems Jessica can’t beat her rivals, but eventually Jessica squares off with both antagonists in a final confrontation.
3. STRUCTURE: (from Day 5 with edits based on character arc info)
OPENING:
Jessica and Amanda are classmates, and Ethan is an academic rival from a nearby high school. They compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. But Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck with her, and it’s clear they’re all trying to be best of the best to get into the same top university, Chambers University, on their way to becoming top in their respective fields. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers and mentoring to make sure the student soars ahead; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners, though Amanda and Ethan both volunteer already and are decent humans underneath all the competitiveness. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen?
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
4. PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
5. PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
EXT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of scholarship before AP World History class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not. How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Jessica and Ethan becomes clear. She texts her father that they need to talk.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. TBC — DAY
Jessica does service project TBC. She literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s there to help because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Ethan walks up to get his number and casually notes that he, Jessica, Amanda, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to his inside source. He casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race, and she seethes secretly to her father, who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough.
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has also been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Ethan in on a strange technicality, so he loses his standing in the race.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more during another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being the only semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. Between their snark we see them start to trust one another enough to mention that Jessica is going a bit too far. Jessica enters. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win.
Later:
Jessica competes, and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
INT. CHARITY BALL — NIGHT
Jessica runs fundraiser while two other scholarship competitors help out. She catches them doing something they’re not supposed to (TBC) and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica calls and anonymously tips off someone (TBC) that the other competitors have done X bad thing. She smiles.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica subtly verbally abuses another classmate and greets Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her. Amanda accidentally shares info that makes Jessica jealous (TBC).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another … (TBC) for scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Jessica checks her phone and sees she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. You got this, champ. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan in a bad act TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after an academic competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item TBC. Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica makes sure no one is looking and kills Ethan (method TBC) in a way that looks accidental. For a moment she is shocked at what she did, then visibly relaxes and smiles, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant was killed. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of recognition in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Amanda looks wary but says OK. Jessica tells her where to meet.
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, but Jessica keeps making digs to make Amanda self-conscious. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica puts on an act to convince the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on, taking notes, and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
-
[PS80] Jennifer’s Favorite Movie Outline
WHAT I LEARNED:
This exercise helped me recognize how tightly written a satirical dark comedy needs to be done to be done well. Likewise, it helped me see how to carry the tone through the entire movie.
DRAMATIC QUESTION:
Will overachieving Tracy win the election for student council president?
MAIN CONFLICT:
Tracy vs. Mr. McAllister. She sees him for his weaknesses and dislike of her, and he sees her for the overly ambitious bent she has to win at all costs.
DILEMMA:
Will Mr. McAllister do the right thing even if it means Tracy wins?
THEME:
Doing whatever it takes to win won’t make you happy, but might get you what you think you want.
*****
OUTLINE OF Election
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAlister showers after running to get ready for the school day.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Early in the morning a student dressed like a teacher sets up a table.
INT. SCHOOL TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister cleans out the fridge to find space for lunch, making a mess that upsets the janitor.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Student is Tracy Flick setting up her table to campaign for student body president. Mr. McAllister walks up and clearly is only being polite in wishing Tracy luck in the election. V.O. Tracy blames Mr. McAllister for everything.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
V.O. Mr. McAllister indicates his confusion over what happened. We see him interact with students showing how much he cares and wants to make a difference in kids’ lives. They love him right back.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
He starts discussing morality vs. ethics with the class. Camera freezes on Tracy, whom Mr. McAllister clearly doesn’t want to call on but grudgingly does once no one else volunteers. She’s an obvious overachiever type trying really hard.
INT. TABLE – CLOSEUP OF YEARBOOK – DAY
Pages turn in yearbook to show Tracy’s many activities. V.O. Tracy tells us how special and accomplished she is.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy in student government noting that she only likes activities she can lead while showing us how she railroads her way into being in charge. Mr. McAllister doesn’t like this.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
V.O. Mr. McAllister shares how Tracy had an affair with his best friend Mr. Novotny, a male teacher who is married.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
V.O. Tracy is in Mr. Novotny’s classroom while he teaches, sharing that he didn’t take advantage of her.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
V.O. Tracy shares how Mr. Novotny took the editors of the yearbook out to celebrate and began their affair. Initially he was concerned she has no friends her age and wants to be her friend.
INT. DARK ROOM – DAY + CAR – DAY
Tracy shares how Mr. Novotny really sees the real her.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. Novotny puts on “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady.” Tracy and Mr. Novotny share a rootbeer and then go to his bedroom.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister and Mr. Novotny talk about Tracy’s relationship with Mr. Novotny. Mr. Novotny says they’re in love. Mr. McAllister says it’s a moral issue.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Mr. Novotny with school principal – notes that Tracy’s mother doesn’t understand Mr. Novotny’s relationship with Tracy. Mr. McAllister is in the room as a witness/support.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. Novotny’s wife is angry with him, kicks him out, and divorces him. He moves back in with his parents.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy’s explanation of ethics gets cut off, and Mr. McAllister does nothing to stop kids from leaving the room when the bell rings, upsetting Tracy. V.O. that she is mature enough now to understand that Mr. McAllister’s life is sad and repetitive and that he must be jealous of her. She says her mom always says “the weak are always trying to sabotage the strong.”
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – DAY
Closeup of photos of Tracy. V.O. Tracy shares that her mother sends famous women letters asking how they got where they are to help Tracy.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy chats up students at her table set up to campaign. V.O. about how women need to work twice as hard to succeed. She notes that ethical conduct is more important than winning.
EXT. SCHOOL BUILDING – DAY
Tracy shouts for Mr. McAllister at his car to let him know she has all the signatures she needs to qualify for the student council campaign. She pushes to get him to approve the names now so that she can campaign starting tomorrow, which he does. She makes clear she will work hard to campaign even without competition and wants a harmonious working relationship with Mr. McAllister, which makes him clearly uncomfortable.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister tosses out Tracy’s signatures. He shares his love for his wife while worrying about Tracy talking about their harmonious working relationship.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister watches a porn video supposed to be about high school students.
EXT. SKIING – DAY
A young man, Paul, falls while skiing. He has to stop doing sports for at least a couple years.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Paul questions the meaning of his life. Then destiny appears in the form of Mr. McAllister, who tries to talk Paul into running against Tracy for student council president to avoid a “dictatorship” under Tracy, who is running unopposed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Campaign signs being hung for Tracy. She sees Paul set up with his own campaign sign across in the cafeteria and learns that Mr. McAllister encouraged Paul to run for president. She signs his petition to run.
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – DAY
Tracy makes campaign pins while noting how easy it is for popular kids to take away what Tracy has worked for.
INT. PAUL’S HOUSE – DAY
Paul works on campaign ideas and announces to his sister Tammy what happened at school. She is upset while denying she is gay as her friend Lisa leaves her.
INT. SCHOOL – DAY
Lisa gets together with Paul and helps him with his campaign. Lots of sex. Tammy runs for student council president.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Paul and Lisa – and separately Tracy – ask Mr. McAllister to intervene and stop Tammy from running.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister and his wife spend time with Mr. Novotny’s wife Linda. Mr. McAllister and his wife are trying to have a baby but are unsuccessful. Mr. McAllister helps Linda around the house and is obviously attracted to her.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister asks Linda if they should get a hotel room. Linda is not pleased.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister has a sex fantasy about Linda and then Tracy while having sex with his wife.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Campaign day for student council president. Tracy is highly polished, professional. Paul uses his popularity and sports prowess as campaign points while reading in a monotone. Tammy is the anti-hero campaigner who says school and this presidency are all b.s. and not to vote at all.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal is angry and decides to suspend Tammy for 3 days.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Tammy thinks suspension is a nice vacation and rides her bike to watch classmates at school at gym/practice.
INT. TAMMY’S ROOM – DAY
Paul gives Tammy her homework and is openly confused about why Tammy is running against him in the election. He says he still cares about her even though she’s adopted.
INT. SCHOOL ROOM – NIGHT
Tracy is angry about what Tammy did and thinks her classmates are ungrateful for all she does for the school yearbook. Her campaign poster falls off the wall and she falls with it. She rips it to pieces in anger, then rips down Paul’s posters as well in a fit of rage, blood on her hands in the end when she has to hide the ripped posters.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Tammy sees Tracy driving erratically and dumping the posters.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister notes all the trouble started with the election. He helps Linda with a plumbing problem, then she hugs him meaningfully. They are about to have sex.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister makes plans to meet Linda at school and go to a hotel. He fantasizes about being a well-dressed lover man type.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Paul and Lisa are upset that someone tore down Paul’s posters, blaming Tammy. Principal agrees Tammy’s speech was out there and gives Mr. McAllister the task of solving the problem.
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister confronts Tracy about posters and she says there are lots of “subversive elements” at Carver High. Mr. McAllister tries to teach Tracy a lesson about pushing too hard, but Tracy knows a personal secret about Mr. McAllister that shocks him into silence. Tammy admits to tearing down posters and gives physical proof, but Mr. McAllister knows the truth in his heart.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister keeps thinking about Linda. He gives his students a pop quiz and races to set up everything at the hotel, grabbing flowers and champagne on the way. He gets back to school just in time.
EXT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Linda is not home when Mr. McAllister meets her as planned. A bee stings him in the eyelid.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister calls Linda from the hotel and gets no answer. He leaves a message.
INT. PAUL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Parents lecture Tammy about her bad behavior. She’s not allowed back to high school.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
He returns home, eye swollen, to find his wife, Linda, and Linda’s baby together, the women having obviously spoken. His wife is crying, so he leaves, recognizing he just blew up his life.
INT. TRACY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Tracy prays to win the election.
INT. TAMMY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Tammy prays as practice before starting Catholic school. She asks for Paul to win, Lisa to apologize, and leather pants.
INT. PAUL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Paul prays for Tammy and doesn’t believe she tore down his posters. He wants God to decide who wins. He thanks God for his blessings.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister spends the night in front of Linda’s house hoping she will come home, but his eye is swollen and his life is wrecked.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy prepares to hand out 400+ cupcakes and gives the first to Mr. M, who has seen better days. He showers at school and tries to call Linda, who doesn’t answer.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
Principal announces that Tammy has been disqualified for election.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Election Day: Tracy casts her vote and has a photo opp planned. Paul wishes her luck but doesn’t feel right voting for himself, so he votes for Tracy instead.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Ballot counting begins. A student counts first, then Mr. M. He is unnerved and struggles to open the ballot box.
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister calls Linda, who finally answers and says their affair was a mistake. She claims he took advantage of her, and he tries to recover until she hangs up.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy is winning by a single vote after a student counts. Mr. McAllister begins his recount.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy tries to see who won through the window to Mr. McAllister’s classroom. The second student involved with counting ballots indicates silently that she won. She is excited.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister gets the same result. But then he sees Tracy looking triumphant and decides to stop her. He removes 2 ballots from her pile and throws them away secretly.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal confirms Mr. McAllister’s (false) count. Student who counted disputes the results because 2 ballots are missing from the total ballot count.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Tracy wishes Paul luck, thinking she will win. Mr. McAllister announces to the school assembly that Paul won in a very close race, and Paul is exuberant. Tracy is crushed.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister has a sad meal. Paul’s family enters and thanks Mr. McAllister for his help. Paul shares all of his ideas and shares his concern about Tracy, but Mr. McAllister assures Paul she is fine.
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Tracy cries uncontrollably while her mother consoles her. As she exits, she suggests Tracy might have needed more posters or to incorporate more of her mom’s ideas in her campaign speech.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister tries to apologize to his wife, who slams the door in his face.
INT. HOTEL – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister books a hotel room, buys toiletries from a vending machine.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister wakes up and decides to start anew.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
Mr. McAllister grabs items from his mail slot and is asked to go talk to the principal.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal confronts Mr. McAllister about election with all parties involved present because the janitor, still upset with Mr. McAllister, has found the ballots. Paul is called to the office and told the news. Mr. McAllister resigns.
INT. HOME – DAY
Closeup of newspapers sharing details of the scandal.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister’s wife leaves him and takes almost everything except his car, which he is driving. The student who counted votes pulls up and spits on Mr. McAllister’s car. Mr. McAllister decides to leave Omaha.
EXT. PARTY – NIGHT
V.O. One year later, Paul is partying, won homecoming and prom king, and was dumped by Lisa.
INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY
V.O. Tammy is at Catholic school smoking and has met Jennifer, her soulmate.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
V.O. Tracy Flick leads student council and got into Georgetown. She misses Mr. Novotny. She doesn’t feel happy at the end of her school years because she has no friends.
INT. COLLEGE DORM HALLWAY – NIGHT
Tracy storms out of her dorm room into the hallway and orders students in her hallway to be quiet while she studies.
INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM – DAY
Mr. McAllister is a tour guide at the museum in NYC, a place where he says people go to escape their troubles. He’s glad to be there.
INT. DC MUSEUM AREA – DAY
Mr. McAllister sees Tracy Flick interning for a senator and looking at him admiringly. He nearly runs over and yells at her, noting he is no longer angry with her and feels sorry for her for working so hard to pursue her “tiny little dreams.” He throws something at the limo. Who the fuck does she think she is?
INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM – DAY
Mr. McAllister asks a group of kids on tour a question, and he avoids answering the little go-getter girl who reminds him of Tracy.
FAIRLY COMPLETE OUTLINE – ONLY A COUPLE MINOR SCENES OMITTED
ELECTION
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Mr. McAllister exercises
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAlister showers
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Early morning, a student dressed like a teacher sets up a table.
INT. SCHOOL TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister cleans out fridge to find space for lunch, making a mess that upsets the janitor.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Student is Tracy Flick setting up her table to campaign for student body president. Mr. McAllister walks up and clearly is only being polite in wishing Tracy luck in the election. Tracy blames Mr. McAllister for everything.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY (+ MISC. OTHER SETTINGS in this montage)
Mr. McAllister indicates his confusion over what happened. We see him interact with students showing how much he cares and wants to make a difference in kids’ lives, and they love him right back.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
He starts discussing morality vs. ethics. Camera freezes on Tracy, whom Mr. McAllister clearly doesn’t want to call on but grudgingly does once no one else volunteers. She’s an obvious overachiever type trying really hard.
INT. TABLE – CLOSEUP OF YEARBOOK – DAY
Pages turn in yearbook to show Tracy’s many activities while she tells us how special and accomplished she is.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy in student government noting that she only likes activities she can lead while showing us how she railroads her way into being in charge. Mr. McAllister doesn’t like this.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
Mr. McAllister shares how Tracy had an affair with his best friend Mr. Novotny, a male teacher who is married.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy is in Mr. Novotny’s classroom while he teaches, sharing that he didn’t take advantage of her.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Tracy shares how Mr. Novotny took the editors of the yearbook out to celebrate and began their affair. Initially he was concerned she has no friends her age and wants to be her friend.
INT. DARK ROOM – DAY + CAR – DAY
Tracy shares how Mr. Novotny really sees the real her.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Tracy and Mr. Novotny share a rootbeer and then go to his bedroom.
INT. RESTAURANT? GARAGE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister and Mr. Novotny talk about Tracy’s relationship with Mr. Novotny. Mr. Novotny says they’re in love. Mr. McAllister says it’s a moral issue.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Mr. Novotny with school principal – notes that Tracy’s mother doesn’t understand. Mr. McAllister in room.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. Novotny’s wife is angry with him, kicks him out, and divorces him. He moves back in with his parents.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy’s explanation of ethics gets cut off, and Mr. A does nothing to stop kids from leaving the room when the bell rings, upsetting Tracy. She notes that she is mature enough now to understand that Mr. A’s life is sad and repetitive and that he must be jealous of her. She says her mom always says “the weak are always trying to sabotage the strong.”
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – DAY
Closeup of photos of Tracy. Tracy shares that her mother sends famous women letters asking how they got where they are to help Tracy.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy chats up students at her table set up to campaign. V.O. about how women need to work twice as hard to succeed. She notes that ethical conduct is more important than winning.
EXT. SCHOOL BUILDING – DAY
Tracy shouts for Mr. McAllister at his car to let him know she has all the signatures she needs to qualify for the student council campaign. She pushes to get him to approve the names now so that she can campaign starting tomorrow, which he does. She makes clear she will work hard to campaign even without competition and wants a harmonious working relationship with Mr. M, which makes him clearly uncomfortable.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister tosses out Tracy’s signatures. He shares his love for his wife while worrying about Tracy talking about their harmonious working relationship.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister watches a porn video supposed to be about high school students.
EXT. SKIING – DAY
A young man, Paul, falls while skiing. He has to stop doing sports for at least a couple years.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Paul questions the meaning of his life. Then destiny appears in the form of Mr. M, who tries to talk Paul into running against Tracy for student council president to avoid a “dictatorship” under Tracy, who is running unopposed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Campaign signs being hung for Tracy. She sees Paul set up with his own campaign sign across in the cafeteria and learns that Mr. McAllister encouraged Paul to run for president. She signs his petition to run.
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – DAY
Tracy makes campaign pins while noting how easy it is for popular kids to take away what Tracy has worked for.
INT. PAUL’S HOUSE – DAY
Paul works on campaign ideas and announces to his sister Tammy what happened at school. She is upset while denying she is gay as her friend Lisa leaves her.
INT. SCHOOL – DAY
Lisa gets together with Paul and helps him with his campaign. Lots of sex. Tammy runs for student council president.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Paul and Lisa – and separately Tracy – ask Mr. McAllister to intervene and stop Tammy from running.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister and his wife spend time with Mr. Novotny’s wife Linda. Mr. McAllister and wife try to get her pregnant unsuccessfully. Mr. McAllister helps Linda around house and is obviously attracted to her.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister asks Linda if they should get a hotel room. Linda is not pleased.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister has sex fantasy about Linda and then Tracy while having sex with his wife.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Campaign day for student council president. Tracy is highly polished, professional. Paul uses his popularity and sports prowess as campaign points while reading in a monotone. Tammy is the anti-hero campaigner who says school and this presidency are all b.s. and not to vote at all.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal is angry and decides to suspend Tammy for 3 days.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Tammy thinks suspension is a nice vacation and rides her bike to watch classmates at school at gym/practice.
INT. TAMMY’S ROOM – DAY
Paul gives Tammy her homework and is openly confused about why Tammy is running against him in the election. He says he still cares about her even though she’s adopted.
INT. SCHOOL ROOM – NIGHT
Tracy is angry about what Tammy did and thinks her classmates are ungrateful for all she does for the school yearbook. Her campaign poster falls off the wall and she falls with it. She rips it to pieces in anger, then rips down Paul’s posters as well in a fit of rage, blood on her hands in the end when she has to hide the ripped posters.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Tammy sees Tracy driving erratically and dumping the posters.
INT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr. McAllister notes all the trouble started with the election. He helps Linda with plumbing problem, then she hugs him meaningfully. They have sex.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister will meet Linda at school and go to a hotel. He fantasizes about being a well-dressed lover man type.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Paul and Lisa are upset that someone tore down Paul’s posters, blaming Tammy. Principal agrees Tammy’s speech was out there and gives Mr. McAllister the task of solving the problem.
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister confronts Tracy about posters and she says there are lots of “subversive elements” at Carver High. Mr. McAllister tries to teach Tracy a lesson about pushing too hard, but Tracy knows a personal secret about Mr. McAllister that shocks him into silence. Tammy admits to tearing down posters and gives physical proof, but Mr. McAllister knows the truth.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister keeps thinking about Linda. He gives his students a pop quiz and races to set up everything at the hotel, grabbing flowers and champagne on the way. He gets back to school just in time.
EXT. MR. N’S HOUSE – DAY
Linda is not home when Mr. McAllister meets her as planned. A bee stings him in the eyelid.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister calls Linda from hotel and gets no answer. He leaves a message.
INT. PAUL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Parents lecture Tammy about her bad behavior. She’s not allowed back to high school.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
He returns home, eye swollen, to find his wife, Linda, and Linda’s baby together, having obviously spoken. His wife is crying, so he leaves, recognizing he just blew up his life.
INT. TRACY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Tracy prays to win the election.
INT. TAMMY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Tammy prays as practice before starting Catholic school. She asks for Paul to win, Lisa to apologize, and leather pants.
INT. PAUL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Paul prays for Tammy and doesn’t believe she tore down his posters. He wants God to decide who wins. He thanks God for his blessings.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister spends the night in front of Linda’s house hoping she will come home, but his eye is swollen and his life is wrecked.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy hands out 400+ cupcakes, the first to Mr. M, who has seen better days. He showers at school and tries to call Linda.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
Principal announces that Tammy has been disqualified for election.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Election Day: Tracy casts her vote and has a photo opp planned. Paul wishes her luck but doesn’t feel right voting for himself, votes for Tracy instead.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Vote counting begins. Students count first, then Mr. M. He is unnerved and struggles to open the ballot box.
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
Mr. McAllister calls Linda, who finally answers and says their affair was a mistake. She claims he took advantage of her, and he tries to recover.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy is winning by a single vote after a student counts. Mr. McAllister begins his count.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Tracy tries to see who won through window to Mr. McAllister’s classroom. One of students indicates silently that she won. She is excited.
INT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister gets same result. But then he sees Tracy looking triumphant and decides to stop her. He removes 2 ballots from her pile and throws them away secretly.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal confirms Mr. McAllister’s (false) count. Student who counted disputes the results because 2 ballots are missing from total ballot count.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Tracy wishes Paul luck, thinking she will win. Mr. McAllister announces that Paul won in a very close race, and Paul is exuberant. Tracy is crushed.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister has a sad meal. Paul’s family enters and thanks Mr. McAllister for his help. Paul shares all of his ideas and shares his concern about Tracy, but Mr. McAllister assures Paul she is fine.
INT. TRACY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Tracy cries uncontrollably while her mother consoles her, giving her an anxiety/sleeping pill. As she exits, she suggests Tracy might have needed more posters or to incorporate more of her mom’s ideas in her campaign speech.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister tries to apologize to his wife, who slams the door in his face.
INT. HOTEL – NIGHT
Mr. McAllister books a hotel room, buys toiletries from a vending machine.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Mr. McAllister wakes up and decides to start anew.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICE – DAY
Mr. McAllister grabs items from his mailslot and is asked to talk to the principal.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Principal confronts Mr. McAllister about election with all parties involved present because the janitor has found the ballots. Paul is called to office and told the news. Mr. McAllister resigns.
INT. HOME – DAY
Closeup of newspapers sharing details of the scandal.
EXT. MR. MCALLISTER’S CAR – DAY
Mr. McAllister’s wife leaves him and takes almost everything except his car, which he is driving. The student who counted votes pulls up and spits on Mr. McAllister’s car. Mr. McAllister decides to leave Omaha.
EXT. PARTY – NIGHT
One year later, Paul is partying, won homecoming and prom king, and was dumped by Lisa.
INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY
Tammy is at Catholic school smoking and has met Jennifer, her soulmate.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Tracy Flick leads student council and got into Georgetown. She misses Mr. Novotny. She doesn’t feel happy at the end of school because she has no friends.
INT. COLLEGE DORM HALLWAY – NIGHT
Tracy orders students to be quiet who are in her hallway while she studies.
INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM – DAY
Mr. McAllister is a tour guide at the museum in NYC, where people go to escape their troubles. He’s glad to be there.
INT. DC MUSEUM AREA – DAY
Mr. McAllister sees Tracy Flick interning for a senator and looking at him admiringly. He nearly ran over and yelled at her, realizing he was no longer angry with her and felt sorry for her for working so hard to pursue her “tiny little dreams.” He throws something at the limo. Who the fuck does she think she is?
INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM – DAY
Mr. McAllister asks a group a kids on tour a question, and he avoids answering the little go-getter girl who reminds him of Tracy.
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[PS80] Jennifer’s Basic Structure!
WHAT I LEARNED:
I will confess that I’ve read nearly every major book on screenwriting out there. What I am bad about is just getting the writing done (excluding the reality that I’m having to work hard to find any time at all to write in the midst of a difficult schedule, which is not the same thing). I am grateful to be pushed into doing the basic work to nail down the plot of my screenplay here because it gets me out of my head/conscious thinking and into the creative work itself, which is not a conscious process at all and just flows. It is also really helpful to focus on outlining the structure because I see problems from the outset that I can prevent in advance. I’m also seeing that I may need a narrator or a character built in to add “heart” to this story because the main character is beautiful but also smug and mean. This is something I need to figure out.
CONCEPT:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
OPENING:
Jessica and Amanda are classmates, and Ethan is an academic rival from a nearby high school. They compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Jessica the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. But Amanda and Ethan are neck and neck with her, and it’s clear they’re all trying to be best of the best to get into the same top university, Chambers University, on their way to becoming top in their respective fields.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers and mentoring to make sure the student soars ahead; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners, though Amanda and Ethan both volunteer already and are decent humans underneath all the competitiveness. But how can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen?
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her mother as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, who have bested her in a number of ways lately. Jessica contemplates throwing in the towel on life until her mother walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk. Amanda or Ethan (or both? maybe they’ve teamed up?) have resisted her pleas for friendship, though she’s wearing them down. What can she do to push her application over the edge? She wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan, which involves some sort of forgery (or other misdeed TBC) and is harder than anticipated. It works, but Amanda is still there and definitely a few points ahead of her. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to truly eliminate Ethan forever — killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park. Amanda shoves Jessica, but Jessica dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
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[PS80] Jennifer’s Necessary Questions
WHAT I’VE LEARNED:
Even with a satirical slant, this story still needs a powerful underlying message and structure, which starts with the basic conflict and dramatic question. I’m seeing that even if it takes a while to refine this idea to the point I’m happy with it, it’s important to work with some speed initially to make progress. I’m seeing how my own perfectionism has held me back in the past.
a) CONCEPT:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
b) DRAMATIC QUESTION:
How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
c) MAIN CONFLICT:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival from another school, Ethan, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Ethan will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Ethan will provide a moral core as he tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes he grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
d) DILEMMA:
Win and lose all her friends and loved ones for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
e) THEME:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
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[PS80] Jennifer’s Dramatic Plots 2
WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS:
I’m seeing where I get hung up in the concept development process and recognize that having a time limit really helps me move forward more rapidly. I’m also seeing that the plot for this screenplay is going to have elements from a couple different types of plots that work synergistically in a satire. I have read the 20 Plots book before, as well as a couple others on very similar topics (descriptions of plot types), but I find it useful to look at the plot types in this simple outlined format and see which make sense for the concepts I explore going forward with future projects.
ORIGINAL CONCEPT:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
2 PLOT SELECTIONS THAT MIGHT WORK:
Sacrifice:
This version of the sacrifice plot would be flipped upside down: A high school overachiever slowly sacrifices everything she’s loved and worked for in hopes of beating her rival to win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college, devolving into an achievement-driven sociopath. (This would likely need another character as a foil for the rapidly devolving anti-hero main character.)
Transformation:
A high school overachiever sets forth to become the ideal candidate for a prestigious scholarship and transforms into the worst version of herself, going from hard worker to manipulator all the way to murderer.
PLOT SELECTION I WILL BE USING MOVING FORWARD:
Quest:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win and prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder. Taking a strict quest approach from a satirical slant, this version sees the overachiever high school student on a brutal mission to win the prestigious scholarship competition that she wants to win at all costs and is told from her perspective, with every student, teacher, or parent who comes in between her and her goal as an obstacle to be overcome, even if it means murder. She will ruin the lives of anyone along the way to her goal.
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[PS80] Jennifer’s Dramatic Plots 1
WHAT I LEARNED:
This story will end up being some combination of a quest and a rivalry plot type, which I had already had in mind before writing this out. But seeing the subtleties between the two types makes me realize I need to think this through carefully to figure out how best to bring out the most powerful elements in the script.
PLOTS THAT COULD WORK:
Quest
Rivalry
SYNOPSIS FOR EACH PLOT TYPE:
Quest:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win and prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder. Taking a strict quest approach from a satirical slant, this version sees the overachiever high school student on a brutal mission to win the prestigious scholarship competition that she wants to win at all costs and is told from her perspective, with every student, teacher, or parents who comes in between her and her goal as an obstacle to be overcome, even if it means murder. She will ruin the lives of anyone along the way to her goal.
Rivalry:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win and prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder. Again taking a satirical slant on the rivalry theme, a high school overachiever focuses on wearing down or even eliminating her rivals who stand in her path as she works to win a prestigious scholarship competition. In this version, one of her rivals would be the most dominant antagonist in her path toward the version of success she thinks she needs to achieve to win.
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[PS80] Jennifer’s Character Structure
WHAT I LEARNED:
I don’t yet feel solid enough to give a full character structure description for the entire screenplay, but it was deeply useful to determine which characters will dominate the story as a whole and will help me get clearer more rapidly.
CONCEPT:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything to beat her rival and win and prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
MAIN CHARACTERS:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE:
Dramatic triangle (I mention 4 characters above because it will take a number of characters for the story to work out, but only the first 3 will be main characters)
HOW CHARACTER STRUCTURE WILL PLAY OUT:
Jessica is a cold-blooded Southern belle high school senior who desperately wants to win a prestigious statewide scholarship competition that will get her into her dream college and pay for her future, but first she needs to eliminate the competition. Her rivals from her own high school and others in the area — mainly Amanda and Ethan — are sharp enough to know she’s the cutthroat type. But when they set out to win themselves or, at a minimum, keep Jessica from winning, they put themselves in imminent danger.
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I also did this above with the full text from the group confidentiality agreement, but once again, just in case:
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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I appreciate the advice to turn in every assignment even if we don’t love what we’ve written. I’ve found it so hard at times to get out of my head as a writer, and this is a great reminder that any writing at all is always better than nothing.
As someone who has been a writer for hire in other industries for years, I was thrilled to learn that there are lots of opportunities to find screenwriting work by writing scripts based on producers’ ideas or adapting other people’s work. It’s not that this is the Big Dream (who doesn’t want to sell spec scripts?), but I appreciate the reality check of how the industry works for screenwriters who need to pay the bills.
I’m grateful for the reminder that script consultants are only looking for what they know. I am not one to be crushed by outside feedback just generally, but lately I’ve been noticing how a lot of the screenwriting/writing gurus often teach a single way to look at story when in reality, there are a lot of complex factors at play. (A critic recently slammed one of my favorite movies of all time based on the story’s structure, and the film just plain works even if he didn’t love it for not following his method.) I will now apply this to the feedback I get on my own writing.
And yes, critiquing others teaches so much! I’m excited because again, this gets me out of my head and focused on the skills rather than whether what I’m writing is good enough.
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Hi, I’m Jennifer McCay. I’m a professional writer (former advertising copywriter/creative director gone freelance) who has spent my career writing and mentoring writers, but I’ve only written 3 scripts to date and have a fourth in progress. It’s been a long time since I was able to take the time to concentrate on screenwriting because I’ve been raising my kids, who have complex health needs and have needed to be homeschooled for the last several years.
I’m at a career crossroads now and would much rather write screenplays than anything else, but I lost confidence in my creative writing ability for a time while I was treading water in my daily life. In this class, I hope to learn a lot, refine skills I already have, gain confidence in my work, and make sure I’m on the right path to becoming a successful screenwriter in the near future. (And because I’m coming to this intro late, I will note that I’m already seeing that this course will help me get much closer to where I want to go.) I also would love to make friends along the way with other writers who are serious about screenwriting, which this class seems to be chock-full of.
I have lived half my adult life in Germany and raise my kids bilingually (German/English). I overcame chronic asthma on my own after being told I’d have to live with it forever by doctors in 3 major cities on 2 continents. I was a professional baker/cake decorator in my teens and made one too many tiered wedding cakes before deciding that writing was the better path for me.
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Jennifer McCay
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi Michelle,
I’m also writing a dark comedy and would love to exchange outlines for feedback. I will also send an email to follow up.
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Hi Jodi,
Feel free to ignore anything that doesn’t feel right to you below. 🙂
Re: your logline: Right from the start I was intrigued by your concept because the broader political issue is obviously important for women in TX and beyond, and to personalize that issue for someone caught between her loyalty to family and her desire to help the women and children of TX makes this an emotional story.
One thing I wondered in the info above the outline itself is whether Chloe is actually all that important to the story compared with Pam’s parents given the overall focus.
I know these outlines are not supposed to be perfect replicas of how we’ll write the actual screenplays, but one thing that cropped up a couple times was a scene description that was vague and didn’t contain actual action or a hint of the dialogue that might occur. (The example I highlighted was “Lack of funds leave many victims high and dry. The state is overburdened because of the SB8 Heartbeat Bounty Hunters law’s ban on abortion.”) I don’t think of this as particularly problematic as long as you know what you’re planning to do there later. (I tend to forget!)
I feel you have gotten to the heart of what’s at stake if someone takes on this intense of a political cause in a state like TX. As I was reading, most of the individual scenes seem to work, and occasionally I felt there were ways of tightening things up by consolidating your ideas into fewer scenes. It’s not a matter of changing the plot, just jamming things together now and then to eliminate the need for another scene:
–Does there need to be a scene where Pam discusses going on her mission with her daughter and then another scene later with her husband? Perhaps these could be consolidated into a single dinner with the daughter and husband since both are really one plot point in terms of moving the story forward?
–Likewise, you have a scene in which Pam is getting really down from being falsely accused, and then a couple scenes later a preacher contacts her. Maybe the call could come to her cell while she’s having her dark night of the soul? Is there any connection with Pam’s father, or is the evangelical preacher a temporary stand-in for her father while they aren’t speaking?
–Could Pam be eating a meal her husband has made for her and finally getting a moment to rest when the call comes in about Chloe’s attack? The meal scene by itself doesn’t seem to move Pam forward on her character arc.
–Do you need the gardening scene? We know she’s miserable at this point in her arc. Is there something in that scene that will push her forward or challenge her further to deepen the plot?
–Is there a need for separate scenes for the website crashing + learning the amount of welfare given to the families of unwanted children and then the following one in which Chloe shares how they need funds to help these people?
There’s so much tension between the various groups represented in this story, and I like how you balanced the various threads. Pam is the clear star part here, and boy, are the stakes high for her, but Elizabeth in particular is also fascinating because she goes down a dark road and then takes a turn for the better in a way (taking action, I mean) that she ultimately can’t continue doing (but it’s a very human role even in this level of outline). I will be interested in seeing a later draft of how that all plays out.
A couple times in the first half there were scenes with Pam doing lots of research. It might only last a few seconds on screen at a pop, but seeing her search for data without something happening is going to slow the story down if it lasts too long on screen, so if there’s a way to keep her away from her computer or doing something active while at the computer (which I say as a writer glued to my computer) 🙂 for more than a second here or there, it will help. But that is probably too granular for this level of outline, so bear with me.
I really like how Pam is trying to hard to do the right thing while also doing right by her parents. It’s deeply emotional. Do we know her father is a pastor early on in the story?
Does Veronica go to the same GYN that Pam met with to learn about current options for women needing an abortion?
Does Pam’s activism include connecting women with abortions/MDs who will perform them known to anyone? (I think so, but want to make sure.) And again, I know I’m potentially getting too granular here.
Is the possible connection between the redneck and Chloe’s attack made clear enough that we don’t see Pam as overreacting when she beats up the redneck?
Is there any story justice for Pam attacking the redneck? I get why she does it, but she seems so together and fundamentally decent otherwise that it kind of changes her character arc/corrupts her in my mind given that the redneck didn’t hurt Chloe. (It’s not that he’s a good guy … and it’s not that Pam is necessarily a perfect citizen either.) I’m thinking this could easily be justified or resolved if Pam figured out soon after that the redneck definitely is responsible for Karen’s death somehow (or really any number of other ways — just thinking out loud here), which we as audience already know, but Pam doesn’t.
And I could be completely off in all of this commentary, but my thinking is that if she will resort to violence that ends up being unjustified, does that not change her role a bit in the story? For the same reason, though, does someone as decent as Pam attack her colleague physically? In all of this, if there’s any sign she’s been violent in the past in some way or lost it in a way that got mildly physical that worked for the greater good, or maybe if it’s a one-time loss of temper and she slaps him or something, it might all make sense, and you probably have lots of this worked out already. I keep trying to go back to the character arc, though, and it would be hard to hide an attack on a colleague when you work in such a public field and are running for governor, especially if she has no friends on the force anymore because of her activism. This could work several different ways, though.
Who is Ashley Lee?
What is the payoff when Pam and Eliana drive off and are followed by the OLL folks?
If someone at the TV station knows that the governor’s wife had an abortion, why does Pam wait so long to use that info against her opponent? Would the media not already have done this?
What specifically convinces Pam’s parents to come support her? How does her father convince her mother to go with him?
I love the idea of Pam winning by a landslide, but I also know TX politics well enough to know that it really might be close right up to the end. Have we seen anything indicating that Pam is gaining in the polls before the election in a way that bolsters her confidence or some indication that she’s struggling? She’s a total political newcomer, and we haven’t seen her do any press except for the debate, so maybe there would be a political event of some sort pre-election to make sure we know she’s actually doing better than expected or being treated seriously? Maybe her status as cop gives her more standing?
I really enjoyed reading your outline and would be happy to email or PM you here if you want to discuss this further. I’m going to tackle the feedback you gave me this weekend.
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Hi Jodi, I got terribly delayed in reviewing your older outline due to illness, so I will review this one instead and get back to you by Friday if not sooner. I just saw your critique of my older outline — thanks so much! (and yes, it’s a dark comedy) 🙂 — and will respond to that after I’ve critiqued your work here. I’m looking forward to reading your outline.
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Jodi, I’m just now seeing this (turning on notifications now!). I would be happy to exchange feedback with you. It will take me until sometime this weekend, but I’ll get back to you ASAP.