Jennifer O’Brien
Forum Replies Created
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Jennifer’s Feedback Exchange Scene – Please ignore Draft #2 already posted directly above here – as character names got switched causing confusion. They are corrected in this version.
Jennifer’s Q+E Scene – Draft 3
INT. CHURCH – DAY
ROBERT, early 30’s is the best man for TRENT, also in his early 30’s who is about to get married. They have been friends since they were dorm mates at college. Robert and Trent are in the bathroom getting themselves ready for the wedding ceremony. Robert is casually struggling with his bow tie. Robert is full of song and spirits.
ROBERT (singing)
“Going to the chapel and your going to get married, going to the chapel and your going to get married ….. “
Robert puts his arm around Trent and starts to do some dance steps. Trent pushes him back and adjusts his suit. Robert pulls out a mickey of whiskey from under his jacket, takes a slug and passes it to Trent.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Time for one last shot of freedom dude!
TRENT
Nope. Can’t have any alcohol on my breath when I say my vows.
ROBERT
Don’t tell me you’re afraid of blowing it with her already! That’s rich.
Trent frowns at Robert and concentrates on the gel application on his already coiffed hair.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
So, did you get a look at the bridesmaids? Guess they had quite the party on that little dinner cruise they went on huh ….
Robert struggles with his bow tie.
TRENT
You don’t know how to tie that do ya?
ROBERT
Did I say I couldn’t tie a flippin’ bow tie? Huh? C’mon, I’m the man!
TRENT
Clearly you can’t dude.
Trent yanks the bow tie off of Robert’s neck and reaches into his faux leather Gucci men’s shoulder bag.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Here. This one clips on.
He presents Robert with a “clip-on” version.
ROBERT
You’re kidding me, right? What do you think this is dude, kindergarten?! Jesus Christ!
TRENT
I know you and I know you’re a buffoon ok? Today of all days man, you gotta pull this off. Here try this instead.
Robert checks it out and is duly impressed.
ROBERT
Silk … sweet. Didn’t know they sell Armani on the streets. Haha! Gawd you’re seriously good!
TRENT
Ya gotta pull this off for me today bud. You gotta look like a class act cuz I’m marrying a classy lady.
ROBERT
Yeah. Right. That’s not what I heard when she partied with the girls on their “cruise with booze”.
TRENT
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The sound of wedding party guests are heard outside the door. Both men freeze. They glare at one another. Trent grabs Robert by the back of his blazer jacket and drags him into a small cloak room connected to the bathroom.
TRENT
What bullshit are you spouting about now? Just before I’m about to have the biggest moment of my entire life? The moment I’ve been dreaming of my entire life?
ROBERT
Hey, it’s me, ya know, like I don’t know why you’re marrying Kristina.
Trent winces and begins to breath loudly and deeply. His hands in tight fists.
TRENT
What’s that supposed to mean?
ROBERT
That she’s about to have your baby and she’s marrying you cuz she and her parents think you’re rich as shit.
TRENT pops him one right on the nose. Trent bends over dripping blood all over his suit. Robert straightens his bow tie, sniffs and brushes back his hair.
TRENT
You are so full of absolute shit ya know that? I needed a best man today and it looks like I picked the wrong guy.
TRENT checks his watch.
TRENT (CONT’D)
I don’t have time for this. I should’ve known you’d pull this crap. If you spew any more bullshit about the love of my life there’ll be plenty of more blood and believe me, it won’t be mine.
Robert moans covering his bleeding nose.
TRENT (CONT’D)
There’s a suit jacket in the trunk. Snap to it – we got 5 minutes til show time.
TRENT tosses` his car keys and exits.
Robert pulls out his phone and takes a photo of his bloody face and sends it out on social media with a text that reads “Rob’s way of saying thank you for being his best man at his wedding!”
Robert pulls the wedding ring from out of his pocket, tosses it on the floor and exits.
End of Scene
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Jennifer’s Scene for Feedback
Jennifer’s Q+E Scene – Draft 2
INT. CHURCH – DAY
ROBERT, early 30’s is the best man for TRENT, also in his early 30’s who is about to get married. They have been friends since they were dorm mates at college. Robert and Trent are in the bathroom getting themselves ready for the wedding ceremony. Robert is casually struggling with his bow tie. Robert is full of song and spirits.
ROBERT (singing)
“Going to the chapel and your going to get married, going to the chapel and your going to get married ….. “
Robert puts his arm around Trent and starts to do some dance steps. Trent pushes him back and adjusts his suit. Robert pulls out a mickey of whiskey from under his jacket, takes a slug and passes it to Trent.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Time for one last shot of freedom dude!
TRENT
Nope. Can’t have any alcohol on my breath when I say my vows.
ROBERT
Don’t tell me you’re afraid of blowing it with her already! That’s rich.
Trent frowns at Robert and concentrates on the gel application on his already coiffed hair.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
So, did you get a look at the bridesmaids? Guess they had quite the party on that little dinner cruise they went on huh ….
Robert struggles with his bow tie.
TRENT
You don’t know how to tie that do ya?
ROBERT
Did I say I couldn’t tie a flippin’ bow tie? Huh? C’mon, I’m the man!
TRENT
Clearly you can’t dude.
Trent yanks the bow tie off of Robert’s neck and reaches into his faux leather Gucci men’s shoulder bag.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Here. This one clips on.
He presents Robert with a “clip-on” version.
ROBERT
You’re kidding me, right? What do you think this is dude, kindergarten?! Jesus Christ!
TRENT
I know you and I know you’re a buffoon ok? Today of all days man, you gotta pull this off. Here try this instead.
Robert checks it out and is duly impressed.
ROBERT
Silk … sweet. Didn’t know they sell Armani on the streets. Haha! Gawd you’re seriously good!
TRENT
Ya gotta pull this off for me today bud. You gotta look like a class act cuz I’m marrying a classy lady.
ROBERT
Yeah. Right. That’s not what I heard when she partied with the girls on their “cruise with booze”.
TRENT
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The sound of wedding party guests are heard outside the door. Both men freeze. They glare at one another. Trent grabs Robert by the back of his blazer jacket and drags him into a small cloak room connected to the bathroom.
ROBERT
What bullshit are you spouting about now? Just before I’m about to have the biggest moment of my entire life? The moment I’ve been dreaming of my entire life?
TRENT
Hey, it’s me, ya know, like I don’t know why you’re marrying Kristina.
Robert winces and begins to breath loudly and deeply. His hands in tight fists.
ROBERT
What’s that supposed to mean?
TRENT
That she’s about to have your baby and she’s marrying you cuz she and her parents think you’re rich as shit.
Robert pops him one right on the nose. Trent bends over dripping blood all over his suit. Robert straightens his bow tie, sniffs and brushes back his hair.
ROBERT
You are so full of absolute shit ya know that? I needed a best man today and it looks like I picked the wrong guy.
Robert checks his watch.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I don’t have time for this. I should’ve known you’d pull this crap. If you spew any more bullshit about the love of my life there’ll be plenty of more blood and believe me, it won’t be mine.
PAUSE
ROBERT (CONT’D)
There’s a suit jacket in the trunk. Snap to it – we got 5 minutes til show time.
Robert tosses Trent his car keys and exits.
Trent pulls out his phone and takes a photo of his bloody face and sends it out on social media with a text that reads “This is what you get when you agree to be the best man at Rob’s wedding!”
Trent pulls the wedding ring from out of his pocket, tosses it on the floor and exits.
End of Scene
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Jennifer’s Q+E Scene – Draft 1
INT. CHURCH – DAY
ROBERT, early 30’s is the best man for TRENT, also in his early 30’s who is about to get married. They have been friends since they were dorm mates at college. Robert and Trent are in the bathroom getting themselves ready for the wedding ceremony. Robert is casually struggling with his bow tie.
ROBERT
So, did you get a look at the bridesmaids? Guess they had quite the partaaaye on that little dinner cruise they went on huh ….
TRENT
You don’t know how to tie that do ya?
ROBERT
Did I say I couldn’t tie a flippiin’ bow tie? Huh? C’mon, I’m the man!
TRENT
Clearly you can’t dude.
Trent yanks the bow tie off of Robert’s neck and reaches into his faux leather Lois Vuitton men’s shoulder bag.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Here. This will work.
He presents Robert with a “clip-on” version.
ROBERT
You’re kidding me, right? What do you think this is dude, kindergarten?! Jesus Christ!
TRENT
I know you and I know you’re a buffoon ok? Today of all days man, you gotta pull this off and so I snagged this “Dior” clip on.
Robert checks it out and is duly impressed.
ROBERT
Sweet. This is class.
TRENT
Ya gotta pull this off for me today bud. You gotta look like a “class” act cuz I’m marrying a classy lady.
ROBERT
Yeah. Right. That’s not what I heard she was on the girls night out “cruise with booze”.
TRENT
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The sound of wedding party guests are heard outside the door. Both men freeze. They glare at one another. Trent grabs Robert by the back of his blazer jacket and drags him into a small cloak room connected to the bathroom.
ROBERT
What bullshit are you spouting about now? Just before I’m about to have the biggest moment of my entire life? The moment I’ve been dreaming of my entire life?
TRENT
Hey, it’s me, ya know, like I don’t know why you’re marrying Kristina.
Robert winces and begins to breath loudly and deeply. His hands in tight fists.
ROBERT
What’s that supposed to mean?
TRENT
That she’s about to have your baby and she’s marrying you cuz she and her parents think you’re rich as shit.
Robert pops him one right on the nose. Trent bends over dripping blood all over his suit. Robert straightens his bow tie, sniffs and brushes back his hair.
ROBERT
You are so full of absolute shit ya know that? I needed a best man today and it looks like I picked the wrong guy. I should’ve known you’d pull this crap. There’s a suit jacket in the trunk. Snap to it – we got 5 minutes til show time.
Robert tosses Trent his car keys and exits.
End of Scene
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Jennifer’s Max Interest Part I
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that to my surprise, I found more opportunities than expected to elevate this scene. I worked on this both yesterday and then again this morning and this morning had a fresh view to bring out another interest technique which is “betrayal”. I had pondered that interest technique yesterday and wondered if I could bring this out so early in the script. This is the first scene of dialogue in the script and the first scene with Zoe and her dad so it has to sit just right. The essence work gave me the link. This morning I had the essence and found that I could bring about a moment of “openness and vulnerability” in Zoe which quickly, almost instantaneously is rebuffed leading to rejection and betrayal. In this case, her dad’s “ideology” is more important than her and her needs. The pain is captured in this oh so brief exchange and connects deeply to everything about the character and the story. I managed to bring in 5 interest techniques: surprise, irony, hope/fear, elevated the mislead/reveal already in the scene and then finally captured a moment of betrayal. I’m quite surprised by this last one I managed to work out this morning. In my view, it has made all the difference. I’ve been concerned about this scene as it is within the 1st 10 pages of my script and needs to hit the mark as it sets up the entire story. Now I think Zoe is more loveable and will arouse the audience to care about her from the “get go” … fingers crossed.
Rewritten Scene using Interest Techniques: Surprise / Irony / improved Mislead/Reveal / Uncertainty/Hope+Fear / Betrayal
INT. ZOE’S FRONT DOOR/HALLWAY – MORNING (CONT’D)
Zoe grabs her backpack as ANDREW, Zoe’s Air Force, controlling single dad, stands waiting by the front door.
ZOE
Nice hair.
ANDREW
Thanks.
Zoe checks him out, smirks then frowns.
ZOE
Didja use my gel?
Andrew scratches his nose.
ANDREW
Couldn’t find mine. Don’t know what happened to it.
<font color=”#212121″ face=”Calibri, sans-serif”></font> Who knows, maybe I’ll like yours better, huh?
ZOE
No doubt. Looks good.
Zoe pulls a side grin.
ZOE (CONT’D)
Just don’t use it again. I used my own money for that.
Andrew pulls his hands up and down in his pants pocket.
ZOE (CONT’D)
Are ya going blind or something?
ANDREW
What?
ZOE
Your socks don’t match.
Andrew looks down and laughs in surprise. Huh, I’ll have to rectify that.
Andrew kisses her forehead. Zoe quickly slides past to open the front door.
ANDREW
Zoe.
ZOE
What?
Exasperated, Andrew points at her ear.
ANDREW
Take em’ off.
ZOE
I gotta go dad or I’ll miss the bus!
<font color=”#4d5c6d” face=”Arial, sans-serif”>With eyes pleading.</font>
ANDREW
The earrings.
She removes them and surrenders them over.
ANDREW (CONT’D)
It’s not what you wear on your ears …..
Zoe dashes out.
ZOE
(Mutters to herself)
… blah, blah, blah between your ears. OMG when
will he stop!
ANDREW
You’ll thank me for this later!
Andrew gives her the “thumbs up”. His hair glistens pink sparkles in the sunlight.
ZOE
(muttering to herslf)
Right. Ha, wish I could see the looks you get this this morning.
Revenge is sweet!
Zoe heads to the bus stop.
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Jennifer O’Brien Profiles People (note I got into sharing personal details in this lesson as I’ve applied it to the interesting characters in real life that I’ve been able to apply this lesson to.)
What I learned that is improving my writing is that when I hone in on an extreme trait of one of my characters, in this case the role of the father, the other character(s) naturally need to adjust and this arouses in them an adjustment in their reaction and dialogue. Already I can see the difference and it is much more tangible to see the tensions between them increase. The scene is improved by the rise in the “range” of the behaviors and I see an increase in it being more interesting and engaging as well as more fun and interesting to write.
Person 1:
Extreme Traits
Emotional/moody
Highly analytical
Normal Traits:
Highly Intelligent
Devoted
Interacted with this person and recognized immediately that they were very upset and once we began talking, they burst into tears. We were outside in a public setting. They were in need of releasing their emotions and also had a desperate need to discuss their feelings and situation that was causing them upset. While sitting with them I began to have a recall of a similar situation in my life that brought me similar feelings in the past. I began to shift into my own awareness of this experience and when I began to share it with them, instead of receiving compassion and listening ears, they used it as a way of “deflecting” off of their own dramatic emotional state that they arrived with, and suggested that I get a therapist. This is a person who needs to talk to people to work through their issues and regularly goes for therapy. Instead of hearing how someone else has faced a similar situation and survived it, it was unwelcome and I was directed to go elsewhere to talk to anyone else but them. They were locked into their own mind and self-analysis only interested in analyzing their situation and feelings, no interest in hearing mine to get a perspective that is beyond their own. I left feeling that it had been yet another one-way conversation with this person which is often the case.
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Person 2:
Extreme Traits:
Controlling
Egocentric
Normal Traits:
Generous
Industrious
Recently I had a discussion with this person over their health issues. It came to my mind that perhaps acupuncture might help as I’ve had acupuncture and believe it helped. I sent an e-mail with a few locations that I was aware of near where they work and hoped that they might follow up with the idea. It came up yesterday in conversation with them that they had indeed followed up. They announced that they had a first session and I could see them “puff up” with pride that they were now seeing a woman who has her Masters Degree in acupuncture and Chinese medicine. It struck me that this person was on the list that I sent them through e-mail the week before. I’m delighted that they’re now getting help however, I couldn’t help but note per our conversation, that my advice and help was not acknowledge at all. No “thank you” for suggesting or “thank you it has helped me take a step”, or “thanks so much for the list, I found someone fantastic that I’m going to now!”. Nothing. Somehow, my research and help that I took the trouble to do for them, was completely “erased” from their memory and it was all and only about what “they were doing” and my helping and compassionate hand were not worthy of remembering of comment.
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Person 3:
Extreme Traits:
Evasive / illusive
Calculating
Indecisive (factors in)
Normal Traits:
Thoughtful
Enjoys having fun
I have known this person for about 32 years. We used to live in the same city close to one another and have shared many memories with them when we lived close by and after we moved visiting the area over the years. We’ve noticed that this person has become more and more what I would call evasive / illusive. Indecision often created for this person a “stuckness” and it is to be noted that they are very into their “routine” and seldom deviate from that routine and responsibilities go with it.
What we have clearly experienced in the last few years is that they only reach out to us when they want something from us. They rarely reply to text messages and e-mails. Send photos of themselves and give “social updates”, yet do not make themselves available to be real friends. We believe now that they “fein” close friendship. Beautifully wrapped gifts are sent every holiday that only now remind us of how close we “used to be”. Responses to our initiatives and plans to get together are consciously or unconsciously put to the side until later and later gets later and later. However, if someone is dying or dies, then a visit to us is eagerly required and sought. We are the first people they reach out to visit when something tragic in their lives is going on and they need love and support.
The other day I received an e-mail from their workplace that was sent to me by mistake. Suddenly I heard from her seemingly “out of the blue” yet I knew full well that it was only because she had to get me to “delete” the e-mail to protect herself at work as it was considered confidential. The e-mail was bubbly and friendly and I was told “Sorry for sending this e-mail” and that “I could delete the e-mail.” She ended the message saying “it is a good excuse to make contact and we should get together soon for a phone chat” and asked me when it would be a good time.
I decided (knowing that she would only be evasive and illusive) to follow up via text soon after to test out her sincerity. I let her know that my schedule and gave her some times slots for the next day which was a Sunday knowing she would be free and not at work.
The result of this contact was predictable given her extreme traits. No reply to let me know if she was or was not available the next day with an attempt to find a better time. She is unabashedly “evasive” and the “friendly initiative” to have a phone call to catch up was only a lame attempt at keeping her ties to us “at the ready” in case she needs a sudden trip for to cure her boredom or moment of relief and support during a crisis.
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Jennifer Puts Essence to Work
What I’ve learned from this is : I chose scenes as I began a new read through of my script and know that this could be done with many more of them, these being just a few. Without a doubt, I’ve seen these scenes shift dramatically when the “essence” is more carefully examined and re-defined. It literally puts a flame under each scene and expression and actions of the characters into a whole new elevated level. Now there is a sense of heightened importance in al that they say no so making it richer and from what I can see now, far more engaging. I believe that this is the way to truly life the script to a much much higher level and also the best aspect is engage the reader from the first scene on. I see so clearly now how the “essence” is the engine that supports and connects the entire script to the “concept”. From this new understanding, I see it like a train (concept) that is on a track (plot structure) and all the cars (scenes) are in line and heading in the same direction – all connected and building from one to the next making it to the destination (a fully engaging script/story). This “essence” work is to me, a guarantee of elevating all my writing from now on. Amazing!
Script I choose: DRESS CODED
Scene 1 Location: Beginning segment in Act I
Logline: Zoe meets dad at the front door before going to school confident she’ll pass inspection.
Essence I’ve discovered: Fooling her dad is “serious business” and is the difference between slavery and freedom.
New Logline: Zoe acts casual while talking to her dad before leaving for school yet all the while nervous of his disapproval over what she is wearing as today is a big day in her social life.
Scene 2 Location: Middle of Act I
Logline: Zoe sits next to her BFF on the school bus.
Essence I’ve discovered: Zoe revels in her freedom and comes out of her shell as soon as she is out of the house an away from her dad.
New Logline: Zoe rides to school texting her secret boyfriend and excitedly shares her plans with her BFF, Rachel.
Scene 3 Location: End of Act I
Logline: Zoe secretly has her boyfriend Shane over to her house while her dad is at work.
Essence I’ve discovered: Zoe longs to be a normal teen and have a sexual identity.
New Logline: With Shane finally in her bedroom alone, Zoe’s love date is sabotaged when her dad texts her that he is coming home from work early and has to conceal Shane in a hurry.
Scene 4 Location Scene 10, Act II
Loglin: Zoe has lunch with Shane in the school cafeteria and is surprised when Shane invites her to prom.
Essence I’ve discovered: Zoe naively believes that she can have a secret separate life with Shane without her dad ever knowing.
New Logline: Zoe confronts her worst fears when Shane surprise Zoe by inviting her to the prom.
Scene 5 Location: Early in Act III
Logline: Zoe dashes out of Shane’s car to get inside the house before her dad arrives home.
Essence I’ve discovered: Zoe runs for safety in her home but now doesn’t feel safe with her dad.
New Logline: Zoe rushes out of Shane’s car eager to get inside before her dad returns home, but so overwhelmed with fear and almost passes out.
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Jennifer Finds The Essence
Script: It’s Complicated
Scene 1 – Top of Act I
Location: EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA – DAY
Logline: Jane puts on a brave front while socializing with her ex husband and his young gorgeous wife while attending the 30th anniversary of their old friends, Ted and Sally.
Essence: Jane copes with integrating her “single self” with the social fragments and connections from her previous married self/life.
Scene 2 – 2nd Scene in Act I
Location: EXT. JANE’S HOUSE – LATE DAY
Logline Jane’s daughter embarks for college leaving Jane alone.
Essence: Jane shows concern and worry over her daughter driving at night and offer to help her move and shop the next day, grounded in her role as “mother-hen”, her true north constant role and anchor.
Scene 3 – End of Act I
Location: INT. HOTEL BAR AND RESTAURANT – TOP FLOOR – NIGHT
Logline: Discovering that her ex, Jake, is alone the night before her their daughter’s wedding, Jane longs for her past life married to Jake, gets drunk and sleeps with him.
Essence: Finding herself the most alone in her life, Jane cleaves to the security of “the known”, her past life married to Jake and wonders if there is any chance of trying with him again.
Scene 4 – Act II
Location: INT. JANE’S SMALL OFFICE UPSTAIRS AT THE BAKERY – DAY
Logline: Jane asserts herself by making a special request for her architect to change her home remodelling plans by installing one sink instead of two in her bathroom.
Essence: Jane takes a step to create a future for herself that suits and compliments her life as she really is, singel and alone. Jane wants to embrace the life she is living without Jake, on her own.
MOST PROFOUND SCENE
Scene 5 – End of Act III
Location: EXT. ROAD TO JANE’S HOUSE – LATE DAY
Logline: Jane informs Jake that there is no going back into their relationship that failed and that has now failed again for a second time.
Essence: Jane accepts the mistakes of her past and is strong enough now and ready to move forward with her life.
EXT. ROAD TO JANE'S HOUSE - LATE DAY 129 Jane drives home, when she notices Jake's Porsche in her driveway. She gets out of her car, finds Jake sitting on the bench swing hanging from a large oak in the front yard. Jane crosses to Jake. He moves over. Jane sees the humor in this gesture and sits on the swing with him, letting out a sigh. Side by side, they swing in the late afternoon breeze. JAKE I'm sorry. Jane doesn't answer right away. JANE How far back does that sorry go? JAKE How far back do you need it to go? JANE Way back. JAKE Consider it an all inclusive apology. From not being the husband you needed to showing up nude on your bed last night. JANE Yeah, what were you thinking with that move? JAKE That you'd find me irresistible. Jane turns to him, her eyes warming up to him. JAKE Never considered the alternative. JANE Gotta love that about you. They swing some more. 115. JAKE Oh, man, can't believe I got up to bat again and blew it. JANE You didn't blow it. We blew it. We blew it the first time around. This time... we just should've known better. Too much has happened. Too much time has passed. JAKE And you don't think we could make it right? JANE Does that mean you didn't feel it was totally right either? JAKE Being with you Jane is the best I'm gonna be. JANE But do you agree that it wasn't really...? JAKE It was complicated. JANE Begging for an answer. JAKE I thought it was good. I wanted it to be good. JANE Guess that's as close as I'm gonna get. JAKE Do you always have to be so hard on me? JANE No. I don't. JAKE I don't regret giving it another shot. 116. JANE Probably would've been better if you hadn't been married. JAKE It may never have happened if I wasn't married. Jane looks at Jake, knowing how true that is. They sit, side by side, as they sway in the breeze. JANE I don't regret it either. They continue rocking, not much more to say. As CAMERA PULLS AWAY, we: -
Jennifer O’Brien
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hello everyone! My name is Jennifer O’Brien and I am delighted to be returning here to ScreenwritingU for this class. To date, I’ve written 4 screenplays. My hope is to gain more writing skills and improve dialogue in one script I have that I know could benefit from further elevation and improvement. I am a Canadian and living in the Tampa Bay area. My favorite animals are giraffes and cry whenever I see them in person … the only animal that makes me do this, who knows why? I just love them so much. 🙂
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Feedback for Laurie:
Really enjoyed your scene! You brought me into the circus world right away and introduced
Trent’s character: You brought me into the circus world right away and introduced Trent’s character well at the top in his description (costume) and seeing him count his money in piles. He counts every penny and looks like he does in his shabby attire. The “meticulous” trait shows here and how well he locks up and counts his money. Clever. His language is aggressive with his lines as soon as he meets Robert “Don’t get your panties in a knot. Sit, sit.” Also with name callling “you ninny”. You have also shown well his “conspiring trait” with his immediate disclosure when he says “I expect ticket sales to go through the roof once word gets out”. Also when he discloses “making new plans with a new backer”. He’s conspiring and envisioning “big things” with Robert bringing in his “hidden talents”. He isn’t rich and you’ve established the reason for his need and also the business plans as we move through the scene that bring out just how conspiring and meticulous he has been even before hiring Robert. Prancing Robbie it hired without Robert having any clue. This links directly to Trent’s neediness.
His neediness is established in accord with his business plans for Robert. For example when he says “I brought you on to lead the way! Do well and I may even cut you in down the line” “Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told”.
I also enjoyed the build in the scene at the end. No holds bard for Trent’s plan to release Robert’s former identity as Prancing Robbie to make a comeback under the spotlight to make him rich. Robert’s reason for being secretive about his past works very well in the context of entertaining the kids and families. As mentioned in other feedback, Robert’s gregariousness is not as obvious in the scene and I can see with the aggressive personality of Trent, that it was tricky to bring this out. No doubt, you’d find a way in a 3rd draft easily. You established very clearly Trent’s low self-esteem for example in the lines such as “I hope I haven’t said something wrong” and “I’m a lowly clown.”
No question, Robert handles his interactions with Trent very smoothly. His subtext to “create gossip” shows his competitive edge as he drops the “they don’t want to include me in the act” bit.
Enjoyed this scene very much Laurie! Nicely done.