Joan Edwards
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Hi, my name is Joan Edwards. This particular script is a romantic comedy: I enjoy drama, action, comedy, and mystery.. I look forward to hearing from you!
My email address is joanyedwards1@gmail.com/
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Assignment Day 10 Adding Truly Meaningful Action
Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is changing your location might add action to help show meaning.
I would appreciate your ideas about my revision. I will in turn give you feedback for yours.
Thank you.
SCENE BEFORE:
This scene’s purpose is to show that Alicia cares more about Fred than she wants others to know.
INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
LESLIE STARBOROUGH, newsman short, medium build, dressed in ordinary town wardrobe to be like the people he serves, stands in front of the cameras with Alicia beside him. Alicia looks stiff and angry. Leslie holds the microphone in front of him and faces Alicia.
LESLIE
Why did you phone me today, Alicia?
Leslie holds the microphone in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Injustice.
Leslie swiftly moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
An injustice to your estranged husband, Fred Silverman?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Yes. Burt and Penelope Stonewall say Fred sold them a home filled with termites. I know for a fact that is not true.
Leslie moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
That’s a strong statement to make, Alicia. You brought pictures for us. Please show our viewers your photos.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
On the left is the house Fred actually sold the Stonewalls. On the right is the house with the termites that the Stonewalls said he sold them.
Leslie shakes his head. Hold the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
These are two completely different style homes.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
The house Fred sold them has a warranty from the California Termite Company that guarantees under a bond that it was termite free and had a chemical treatment that was good for seven years. If that house has termites, California Termite Company would pay for all damages and removal.
Leslie scratches his head. Moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
Why are you standing up for your estranged husband when he jilted you on national television on Valentine’s Day?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
A good name takes years to build and deadly termite rumors can destroy a person’s good name in a matter of minutes. Good night, Leslie. Thank you for listening to me.
Alicia walks away.
Leslie holds mike close.
LESLIE
We’ll keep you updated on this and other news affecting Los Angeles at 11:00 tonight. Stay safe.
***
SCENE AFTER – Rewritten in Alicia’s Salon rather than on the street.
This scene shows that Alicia cares more about Fred than she wants others to know. Also to give information to prove about the claims of Stonewalls are false.
INT. ALLURE SALON – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
LESLIE STARBOROUGH, newsman short, medium build, dressed in ordinary town wardrobe to be like the people he serves, stands in front of the cameras In front of Alicia as she cuts the hair of a client. Alicia looks stiff and angry. Leslie holds the microphone in front of him and faces Alicia.
LESLIE
Why did you phone me today, Alicia?
Leslie holds the microphone in front of Alicia. She snips big wad of hair. Client’s face is blacked out.
ALICIA
Injustice.
Leslie swiftly moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
An injustice to your estranged husband, Fred Silverman?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Yes. Burt and Penelope Stonewall say Fred sold them a home filled with termites. I know for a fact that is not true.
Leslie moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
That’s a strong statement to make, Alicia. You brought pictures for us. Please show our viewers your photos.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia. Alicia holds the pictures in front of the camera.
ALICIA
On the left is the real house Fred sold the Stonewalls. On the right is the house with the termites that the Stonewalls said he sold them.
Leslie shakes his head. Hold the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
These are two completely different style homes.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
The house Fred really sold them has a termite warranty. If that house has termites, California Termite Company would pay for all damages and removal.
Leslie scratches his head. Moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
Why are you standing up for your estranged husband when he jilted you on national television on Valentine’s Day?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
A good name takes years to build and unjust rumors like termites can destroy a person’s good name in a matter of minutes.
Alicia stops cutting hair to shake Leslie’s hands. She goes back to cutting the hair of her client.
ALICIA
Good night, Leslie. Thank you for listening to me.
Leslie holds mike close.
LESLIE
We’ll keep you updated
on this and other news affecting Los Angeles at 11:00 tonight. Stay safe. -
Subject: Joan Edwards’ Elevated Story Beats (In the first line) I welcome your comments.
“What I learned
doing this assignment is when you think you can, you can.To improve, I added two beats and improved Beat 12.
Beat 2A Added scene with Fred going to doctor before going to dance. Thought it would help set the stage for his getting paranoid about getting old.
Beat 12 Scene Added egg throwing and people bringing their dogs around his car to scare him. He finally gets away and parks at Forever Realty Gated Parking Lot.
Beat 14A Added scene
One with Marvin telling Alicia about King’s Renovations and explaining their come-ons at the dance. Show Marvin liking Margery. Helps her with finding way to fix up salon.
Thought about changing the time of Dr. Bill’s show to morning and decided against it.
Here is the changed beat sheet.
“Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL, LIND DANCE HALL-FRIDAY LESSONS-NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, January 04, 2008
1. Montage
-Overview of Los Angeles, California, Recession January, 2008.
-Many “For Sale” Signs
-Newspaper clipping (Economy Sucks, January 13, 2008,
-Allure Hair Salon
-Close up of young man with lots of hair and really old man with bald head
-Giant mailbox says SILVERTON on the rich side of town. Trees, shrubs, flowers, lavish and spacious ranch-style home with a swimming pool and a two-car garage.
2A Fred Silverton goes to Dr. Bennett’s office. Dr. tells Fred he has heart problems and needs to exercise. Heart problems come about many times when people get old. Fred thinks I’m getting old. I’m going to die.
2B. Follow FRED SILVERTON drives he and his wife, ALICIA SILVERTON in his company car with Forever Realty sign on door to dance lessons at the Lind Ballroom Dance Studio in the Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Blvd.
Fred’s business car with Forever Realty, Los Angeles, CA sign on the side.
Montage
3. INT Roosevelt Hotel, Lind Ballroom Dance Studio
Fred and Alicia dance the tango. They leave dance floor. Fred coughs, pants, and pulls his tie loose.
Marvin dances with Alicia and makes fun of Fred and says he can’t win The Perfect Couple because he’s too old. announced on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show. Alicia says that Marvin is a barber. Fred says he’s a barber, too. Alicia says Be serious. Seeing Alicia enjoy being with Marvin makes Fred sick and he asks Susanna and Jake to take Alicia home for him.
4. INT. FRED AND ALICIA’S HOME – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 5, 2008
Fred shares the money problem with Alicia. She complains because he’s not doing his half. Asks how she is supposed to pay her rent and buy new equipment for her salon? He states you don’t love me any more, do you? She ignores him. Alicia says a barber would help pay the rent. When Fred offers to be the barber, she says he is too old.
5. INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT
Fred tries to outdo Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel at all the exercise machines. Joe Thomson, owner tells him to take it easy. Fred says I gotta keep up with the guys to prove I’m better than this guy Marvin that Alicia’s hired as a barber. The doctor said to lose a little of his pudgy belly. Joe said the doctor didn’t tell you to kill yourself. No more contests or I’ll kick you out. Fred tries to outdo the boys again. Joe says, I warned you. Fred says, “Don’t worry. Your insurance is safe. I won’t die on you. I’m outta here.”
.
6. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 12, 2008
Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. On the front cover is a picture of a handsome young man with slick hair, every strand of hair in its place. A beautiful woman on the box cover is standing close to the handsome man. Fred notices his hair is standing on end like he’s been shocked and almost all of his hair falls out when he dries it with a towel. Gets his father’s old toupee and puts it on. Also notices his father’s obituary. Notices he died at 45 years old. Realizes he is the same age as his father was when he died. Can’t sleep. Gets cell phone and calls Dan.
7. INT. TENNICO’S BAR – NIGHT
Dan pays three girls $50.00 each to stick close to him, sit around him and pretend that he is God’s Gift to the World. Fred asks to speak to Dan alone. Dan refuses, Alicia’s hired a young barber. She says I’m too old. Dan suggests a divorce and gives him his lawyer’s business card.
Pack your bags so you’ll be out when they serve the divorce papers. you can stay with me while you’re waiting for your divorce to become final.
8. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, January 14, 2008
Fred goes to office of Adam Finkelstein, divorce lawyer. Outside the window workmen are using loud jackhammers. $435.00, includes court petition and summons for dissolution of the marriage.
Jackhammer noise keeps Adam from hearing Fred and makes the serve date, on or after February 14. Fred reads the papers and doesn’t notice wrong date. Adam promises he’ll notify Fred 3 days before her serves papers to Alicia.
9. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 8, 2008
Adam calls process server Rick.
Fred Silverton wants these divorce papers served to his wife on or after February 14. Call me 3 days before you serve her. Can’t guarantee 3 days warning, but I’ll call before I serve.
10. INT. TELEVISION STUDIOS
SUPERIMPOSE: February 14, 2008
Fred and Alicia, Jake and Susanna are in Dr. Bill’s studio for the announcement of The Perfect Couple. Fred receives cell phone call telling him that Alicia is going to be served the divorce papers in five minutes. Dr. Bill announces Fred and Alicia as the winners. Rick Nance serves Alicia the divorce papers. Judges says they’ll wait 60 days. If their divorce goes through, the judges say that the prizes will go Susanna and Jake, as runners up.
11. EXT. MEDIA WORLD – NIGHT
BEGIN MONTAGE
-Fred Silverton dumps wife, Alicia on national tv.
-Marquees light up. Fred Silverman dumps Alicia on Valentine’s Day on national tv.
-Fred Silverman should write e-book entitled “How to Kill a Relationship Fast, serve divorce papers on Valentine’s Day.
-Facebook: Take your wife by surprise: divorce her on Valentine’s Day.
-Twitter: Old Rat serves divorce papers to young wife on Valentine’s Day.
-Talk Radio Show: Real estate salesman serves divorce papers on Valentine’s Day. I wonder what the closing costs will be for that deal.
-Amber Alerts. Scumbag serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV.
-Cell phones messages and photos.
-New York Time Square Ticker Tape Sign: Heartless man serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show
-Meico Commercial: Was this bad karma or what? Los Angeles Man serves divorce papers to his wife on GUESS WHAT DAY IT WAS? Valentine’s Day. No hump for you, big guy.
END MONTAGE
12. INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT
Fred sits in his company car listening to the radio. His cell phone rings off the hook. He turns it off. Fred thinks that no one understands that Alicia and I are embers in a dying fire.
People make fun of him…throw eggs at his car…pin effigies of his throwing him to the dogs. Fred is afraid of dogs. They bring dogs to surround his car and bark at him. He goes to parking lot of Forever Realty…and turns out the lights. They have a secure parking lot.
13. INT. Jake’s Restaurant – Morning
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 15, 2008
Jake says You used to be so happy. That’s why we nominated you for The Perfect Couple. Fred says Alicia doesn’t love me. She hired a hot shot barber. She wouldn’t hire me. I’m too old. Susanna points out that he could live to be seventy like his mother. Fred says home sales are down. Alicia says I don’t make enough money. Jake offers him part-time work in his restaurant.
14. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – AFTERNOON
Margery, salon helper, says Fred’ll come back. Alicia says she didn’t know he was unhappy. We were the perfect couple. Margery suggests Alicia get a new project that she can do on her own. I know I’ll redesign the salon and rename it ALLURE HAIR STYLES FOR THE STARS. I’ll use the money in our joint savings account. I’ll teach Fred Silverman to divorce me. I’ll even use Fred’s opponent realtor Remington Home Sales. When times are tough, you take chances, especially, if it’s someone else’s money.
14A ADD Scene Remington Home Sales representative comes and takes her to places she could use for a salon. She realizes the price tag is more than they have in their savings account. Comes back to Salon. Marvin tells her about Renovation King Contractors. She tells Marvin she was just trying to make Fred jealous. Marvin says I was just trying to get this job working with you. We’re even.
15. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, February 16, 2008
Renovation King Contractors representative tells Alicia she can reorganize the space you have more efficiently and have room for barber chair, too. Add a center row of comfortable chairs where people can sit and sip on wine or other beverage while waiting for appointments or socialize afterwards. Alicia will get a license to serve wine. Representative texts Alicia pictures of his remodel designs for other major salons in Los Angeles and will bring his designs for her salon on Monday.
16. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT
Fred wears a fancy suit and hat. Money sticking out of his pockets. Dream Sequence: he goes in and the girls are all over him. Saying he is hot. In real life when he goes into Tenneco’s It doesn’t happen that way at all. The Girls hit him and call him every name in the book for serving Alicia divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV. He’s so hot, they pour a pitcher of ice water down his shirt.
17 INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT
Fred wearing stylish gym clothes, on the lookout for dames, Fred swaggers into the gym. Walks with a lilt and feels great. Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel give him the cold treatment and move away from him no matter where he goes. Fred loses his temper and rants and raves. He asks does anyone care? He leaves
18. EXT. Fred’s Car
Peels off and heads to Dan’s apartment.
19. EXT. OUTSIDE DAN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Fred parks his company car and rolls his suitcase up the sidewalk to Dan’s apartment building, up the long staircase to Dan’s Apt 2A Dan tells Fred to go away. Fred says you promised I could stay with you. Dan says that was before you divorced your wife on National TV on Valentine’s Day. Fred states they were not supposed to serve her until the 15<sup>th</sup>. Dan says that doesn’t make it better. You’re not my friend, any more. Go. Fred says, “Fine. I’ll stay with Mother. She loves me.”
20. Montage
INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT
Fred sleeps in the car as his Mother’s already in bed.
21. EXT. EXPENSIVE HOME FOR SALE – DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE) SUPERIMPOSE: Sunday, February 17, 2008
BEGIN DREAM MONTAGE
-People are lined up at the office to get an appointment with him to buy a house.
-Ten closings with different people who sign closing papers. -images of Fred getting money from ten different clients each time adding money to his pockets. Two shirt pockets. Two side pockets on his trousers. Four inside pockets on his suit jacket. And two outside pockets of his jacket.
-Show Fred with money dangling from every pocket.
22. INT Forever Realty
Kaufman of Forever Realty fires Fred because of what he did to Alicia on tv..
He tells Fred to leave the car and the keys in it.
Fred asks if he’d drop him off at his Mother’s house. Kaufmann says take the bus.
23. INT. CYNTHIA SILVERMAN’S HOUSE – DAY
Fred’s mother, Cynthia Silverman disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. Shows him the papers. She pushes him out the door and throws his suitcase and briefcase out the front door.
24. EXT. FRED’S MOTHER’S HOUSE – DAY
Fred’s mother won’t let him take his bike but butler gets it for him.
Stanley Peterson, Cynthia’s butler, motions for Fred to come to the garage on the side of the house. Brings bike out of the garage. Gives Fred a wad of one dollar bills.
Fred rides off, the bike wobbles from side to side. The cold weather makes Fred shiver.
25. EXT Carlos Avenue
Montage
-poor side of Carlos Avenue.
-stopped up drains
-little or no grass
-trash cans overloaded
-Fred hears landlord evicting family and three children for non-payment of their rent. He stops to sit on bench and cries.
26. EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
Fred parks his bike at the homeless shelter. Gets at the end of the very long line. Virgil, Man in front of him recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show, tells him the only way to make it right is to beg her forgiveness on nationwide television. Tells him not to be like him, he lost his job, wife, and his children. Fred says you could get another job, couldn’t you. He says he never tried. Seeing you on television showed me how stupid I was. Fred says he’s going job hunting in the morning and asks Virgil to come. Fred offers to give him a shave and a haircut. Goes to front desk at homeless shelter and sets up to do shaves and haircuts for all the men who want it.
27. INT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
A TV news reporter videos Fred shaving and cutting hair on a live news cast. Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for interviews.
28. INT. ALICIA’S SALON – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, February 18, 2008
Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.
29. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY
Fred sees billboard ad for Alicia’s remodeled salon. Allure Salon of the Stars – Has a picture of Marvin shaving one of big stars and his Mother saying it’s the salon of the stars. Fred takes out huge bottle of aspirin and takes one and drinks from bottle of water.
30. EXT. NEWSTAND – DAY
Front Page of newspaper. Picture of Alicia, his Mother, and Marvin in front of the remodeled salon for the Grand Reopening. Fred takes aspirin.
31. EXT. FOREVER REAL ESTATE – DAY
Couple meet him and Mr. Kaufman in front of Forever Realty claiming he sold them a house with termites. Gave them a copy of court papers where they are suing Fred and Forever Realty and interviewing on 65 minutes. Fred and Kaufman work together to solve problem.
32. INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Leslie Starborough and Alicia. Alicia tells about injustice of Fred being accused of selling house with termites. Alicia shows pictures of real house that Fred sold them that has a warranty with the California Termite Company and a picture of the house the Stonewalls said Fred sold them.
33. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT
Fred discovers that Dan never had a job. He won the lottery. And his money is gone now. I don’t have money to pay the girls. They are with other guys now. New waitress hears Fred talk with Dan. When Bartender and bouncer say they can’t help, a new waitress Sandra tells Fred she’ll help him get Dan home.
34. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps.
Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.
Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.
35. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
They get Dan into bed. Sandra says she’ll check on Dan tomorrow. She tells him she doesn’t want his money.
36. INT. FOREVER REALTY
Superimpose: Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Stonewalls case is thrown out. Kaufmann offers Fred his job back Fred tells Kaufmann about new venture to form Silverton realty for inexpensive homes. Kaufmann rehires Fred, gives him his company car back. Fred tells Kaufman about new venture. And that in 6 months he will go alone with new company to help find and create inexpensive housing for homeless and less fortunate people. Kaufmann signs on as silent partner.
37. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Dr. Benton gives Fred new prescription, tells him he’s always speaking for other people he needs to speak up for himself and decide who he wants to be with when he dies.
38. INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM – NOON
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, April 16, 2008
Entrepreneurs for a Better Los Angeles (EBLA) Annual Banquet with awards for Outstanding Entrepreneur for the Year. Reporter interviews Alicia discovers she remodeled her salon an expanded her services. When the reporter cuts down Fred, Alicia storms off stage and runs into Fred in a rat costume. Fred begs Alicia to shred the divorce papers and renew their vows. He opened Silverman Realty to find reasonable priced places for people to live. He also set up The Silverman Trust Fund to provide food, clothing, and training for the homeless shelters
in the Los Angeles area for men and women. Alicia apologizes for hiring the young guy that pushed him over the edge and for not noticing that he was afraid he was going to die.
Dr. Bill calls and says that they have been declared the winners of the Perfect Couple. Fred and Alicia talk for a minute and tell him that they would like the money, instead of the Hawaii trip, and add it to the Trust Fund for the Homeless. Alicia gives her $1,000 prize earnings to the Trust fund for the homeless too.
39. INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL
Fred and Alicia dance the night away. They won’t dance with anyone else. Marvin has his own partner. They get real emotional and sex-driven when they do the tango. Alicia suggests they leave and go home where they can get more comfortable.
40. EXT. HOME – NIGHT
Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred smiles, winks and rubs his bald spot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.
On the door is a sign that says,
The Perfect Couple.
***
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Assignment 7 Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value
Subject Line: Joan Edwards’ Scene Entertainment Ratings
“What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s hard to rate your scenes in this way. Rating the scenes helps me see where I need to add something or take away something to make the scenes more meaningful to the story. What surprised me was the difficulty I had figuring out a number rating.
Are Montages considered scenes?
Logline “Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
1. E3
Montage
Bad times for finances and home sales.
2 E3
Fred drives he and his wife Alicia to dance lessons.
3. E10
Fred and Alicia dance the tango. Fred gets out of breath. Marvin makes fun of Fred.
Says he’s too old to be the Perfect Couple.
4. E10
Fred shares money problems with Alicia. Alicia says hiring Marvin would help lure the stars.
Alicia refuses to use Fred as barber.
5. E10
Thomson’s Gym- Competes with Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel so much that Joe Thomson says if he sees him trying to outdo them to the extreme, he’ll kick him out. Fred gets angry and leaves anyhow.
6. E10
Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. Gobs of his hair falls out. In searching for his Daddy’s toupee, he finds the newspaper obituary of his Dad’s death.
7. E10
Dan pays 3 girls to stick close to him. Fred asks for divorce lawyer. Dan gives him Adm Finklestein’s business card.
8. E10
Fred goes to lawyer and signs papers for divorce. Without noticing, he signs papers asking Alicia to be served on or after February 14.
9. E7
Adam calls Process Server. Asks Rick to call 3 days before he serves Alicia. He says he can’t promised 3 days but will call before he serves Alicia.
10. E10
After Fred and Alicia are announced as The Perfect Couple, Rick serves Alicia, divorce papers from Fred.
11. E10
Montage of Social Media and News criticizing Fred and sympathizing with Alicia.
12. E7
Fred gets calls and texts telling him how terrible a person he is.
13. E3
Jake offers to give Fred part time job at restaurant. Fred turns him down.
14. E7
Margery tells Alicia to get new project. Tells her that Fred’ll come back.
Alicia swears to use all the money in their joint account
15. E10
Renovation King offers to remodel without buying or renting extra space
16. E10
Fred wears fancy suit and hat. Money sticking out of pockets. Girls pour ice water on him.
17. E8
Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel move away from him no matter where he goes.
Fred rants and raves and leaves
18. E5
Ext Fred’s car – peels off and heads to Dan’s apartment
19. E10
Dan breaks promise. Refuses to let Fred stay with him while Divorce is processed.
20. E5
Fred sleeps in the car.
21. E10
Dreams of people lining up to buy a home from him.
22. E10
Kaufmann fires Fred and tells him to take the bus to his Mother’s.
23.E10
Mother disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. Shows him papers. Kicks him out the front door.
24. E5
Fred gets bike from Butler. Butler gives him big wad of dollar bills.
25. E5
Fred wobbling on bike sees poor side of Carlos Street, stopped up drains, little or no grass, landlord evicting family with 3 children.
26. E10
Fred parks bike at homeless shelter. Meets Virgil who recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show but doesn’t condemn him, sees himself in Fred. Tells how he was stubborn and lost his family. Fred tells he is going for job interview next day, did Virgil want to go with him.
27. E9
News Reporter films live at Homeless Shelter Fred shaves men and cuts their hair. Asks for Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for job interviews.
28. E9
Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars – Alicia thanks Margery for helping with salon. Tells her she misses Fred.
29.E8
Billboard Marvin shaving big star Fred’s Mother saying it’s the Salon of the Stars Fred takes aspirin
30. E9
Alicia’s remodeled salon- Marlin, Alicia, and Fred’s Mother in front of remodeled salon on Front page of Newspaper Fred takes another aspirin
31. E10
Stonewalls accuse Fred and Forever Realty of fraudulently selling them a home with termites in it.
32.E10
Alicia contacts CBS News about Stonewalls falsely accusing Fred.
33. E7
Fred discovers Dan has no money, no job. Spent all lottery money on women.
34. E7 Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps.
Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.
Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.
35. E7
Sandra offers to check on Dan without his paying her money.
36. E8
37. E10
Dr. Benton gets Fred thinking that he wants to be with Alicia when he dies.
38. E10
Alicia and Fred get back together. Everyone volunteers to help. Social media lights up again.
39. E9
Fred and Alicia dance by themselves. Marlin dances with Margery40. E10
Alicia leads Fred down hallway to bedroom. Sign hangs on door The Perfect Couple
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Day 5 Joan Edwards’ Elevate Your Characters’ Stories
What I learned doing this assignment is that the top five characters should have actions in Act 1, Act 2, and Act 3. Separating the beats and the character profile traits helps see the overall picture.
Protagonist- Fred Silverton
Name of Character: Fred Silverton Role: Husband of Alicia Silverman
Core Character Traits
-impulsive
-anxious
-honest
-competitive
Flaw: panics easily
Something Fred doesn’t want to admit about himself: He needs love and acceptance from Alicia.
Character Subtext Logline: Fred’s belief he is going to die makes him anxious and over react to his life situations.
Beginning Fred is unsure of himself and scared he is going to die.
Middle Fred realizes what it’s like to have no friends and no job.
End Fred chooses to help others. Realizes he loves Alicia and wants to be with her
Fred’s Beats
1.Fred drives he and his wife, ALICIA SILVERTON in his company car with Forever Realty sign on door to dance lessons at the Lind Ballroom Dance Studio in the Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Blvd.
2.Fred and Alicia dance the tango. They leave dance floor. Fred coughs, pants, and pulls his tie loose.When Alicia says Marvin is a barber, Fred says he’s a barber, too. Seeing Alicia enjoy being with Marvin makes Fred sick and he goes home.
3.Fred shares the money problem with Alicia. He doesn’t think she loves him anymore. When Fred offers to be the barber, she refuses and says he is too old.
4.Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. More hair falls out. Sees father’ obituary and notices he died at 45, Fred’s age now.
5.Fred tries to outdo Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel at all the exercise machines at Joe Thomson’s gym. He is told Doctor told him to exercise but not to kill himself. When told he’d be thrown out if he had more contests with them, Fred walks out claiming Joe’s insurance is safe without him there.
6.Fred goes to Tenneco’s bar to see Dan to get divorce lawyer’s business card. Dan’s surrounded by women. Fred thinks a divorce will do the same for him. He is advised to pack his bags and be out before they serve the divorce papers. Thanks Dan for offering to let him stay in his apartment with him while waiting for divorce to be final.
7Fred goes to law office of Adam Finklestein and completes divorce papers. A jackhammer makes so much noise, he doesn’t hear that Adam thinks he wants the papers served on or after February 14. He fails to notice those dates on the papers when he signs them. Adam calls process server and says he can’t promise 3 days but promises he’ll call before he serves Alicia with the divorce papers.
8Fred is in Dr. Bill’s studio for announcement of The Perfect Couple. Fred receives cell phone call telling him that Alicia is going to be served the divorce papers in five minutes. After Fred and Alicia are announced as the winners. Rick Nance serves Alicia the divorce papers. Judges says they’ll wait 60 days. If their divorce goes through, the judges say that the prizes will go Susanna and Jake, as runners up.
Act 2
9Fred sits in his company car listening to the radio. His cell phone rings off the hook. He turns it off. Fred thinks that no one understands that he and Alicia are embers in a dying fire.
10At Jake’s Breakfast Restaurant. Fred tells Jake and Susanna that Alicia doesn’t love him anymore. He’s too old. Says he could die. Susanna points out that he could live to be 70 like his mother. Fred explains that sales are down. Turns down Jake’s part time job offer.
11Fred goes to TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT Fred wears a hat. Money sticking out of his pockets. Dreams girls are all over him thinking he is hot stuff. In real life the Girls hit him and call him names for serving Alicia divorce papers. They tell him he’s hot and pour a pitcher of ice water down his shirt
12Fred wearing stylish gym clothes, on the lookout for dames, Fred swaggers into the gym. Walks with a lilt and feels great. Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel give him the cold treatment and move away from him no matter where he goes. Fred loses his temper and rants and raves. He asks does anyone care?
13Drives to Dan’s apartment. Dan defriends him and breaks his promise to let him stay there until Divorce is final.
14Fred sleeps in the car as his Mother’s already in bed.
15DREAM SEQUENCE
-People are lined up at the office to get an appointment with him to buy a house.
-Ten closings with different people who sign closing papers. -images of Fred getting money from ten different clients each time adding money to his pockets. Two shirt pockets. Two side pockets on his trousers. Four inside pockets on his suit jacket. And two outside pockets of his jacket.
-Show Fred with money dangling from every pocket.
16.Kaufman of Forever Realty fires Fred and tells him to turn in his company car and keys because he served Alicia divorce papers. Fred asks if he’d drop him off at his Mother’s house. Kaufmann says take the bus.
17 Fred’s mother, Cynthia Silverman disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. She pushes him out the door and throws his suitcase and briefcase out the front door.
18 Butler gives Fred his bike and a wad of dollar bills. Fred shivers, rides off, the bike wobbles from side to side. He notices stopped up drains, yards with little or no grass, trash cans overloaded or turned over. He hears landlord evicting family with three children for non-payment of rent. He stops in park an sits on bench and cries.
19 Fred parks his bike at the homeless shelter. Gets at the end of the very long line. Virgil, Man in front of him recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show, tells him the only way to make it right is to beg her forgiveness on nationwide television. Tells him not to be like him, he lost his job, wife, and his children. Fred says you could get another job, couldn’t you. He says he never tried. Seeing you on television showed me how stupid I was. Fred says he’s going job hunting in the morning and asks Virgil to come. Fred offers to give him a shave and a haircut. Goes to front desk at homeless shelter and sets up to do shaves and haircuts for all the men who want it.
20TV news reporter videos Fred shaving and cutting hair on a live news cast. Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for interviews.
21Fred bikes and stops in front of billboard ad for Alicia’s remodeled salon. Allure Salon of the Stars – Has a picture of Marvin shaving one of big stars and his Mother saying it’s the salon of the stars. Fred takes out huge bottle of aspirin and takes one and drinks from bottle of water.
22Fred sees front page of newspaper in front of restaurant.
23Front Page of newspaper. Picture of Alicia, his Mother, and Marvin in front of the remodeled salon for the Grand Reopening. Fred takes aspirin.
24Couple meet Fred and Mr. Kaufman in front of Forever Realty claiming he sold them a house with termites. Gave them a copy of court papers where they are suing Fred and Forever Realty and interviewing on 65 minutes. Fred and Kaufman work together to solve problem.
25Leslie Starborough and Alicia. Alicia tells about injustice of Fred being accused of selling house with termites. Alicia shows pictures of real house that Fred sold them that has a warranty with the California Termite Company and a picture of the house the Stonewalls said Fred sold them.
26Fred discovers that Dan’s money is gone, that Dan never had a job. He got his money from winning the lottery. Sandra, a new waitress offers to help Fred get Dan home.
27Fred and Sandra get Dan into his apartment.
28Since Stonewalls case was thrown out, Kaufmann offers Fred his job back Fred tells Kaufmann about new venture to form Silverton realty for inexpensive homes.
29Dr. Benton gives Fred new prescription, tells him he’s always speaking for other people he needs to speak up for himself and decide who he wants to be with when he dies.
Act 3
30 Fred dresses in rat costume and begs Alicia to shred the divorce papers and renew their vows. He opened Silverman Realty to find reasonable priced places for people to live. He also set up The Silverman Trust Fund to provide food, clothing, and training for the homeless shelters in the Los Angeles area for men and women. Alicia apologizes for hiring the young guy that pushed him over the edge and for not noticing that he was afraid he was going to die. Dr. Bill calls and says that they have been declared the winners of the Perfect Couple. Fred and Alicia talk for a minute and tell him that they would like the money, instead of the Hawaii trip, and add it to the Trust Fund for the Homeless. Alicia gives her $1,000 prize earnings to the Trust fund for the homeless too.
31 Fred and Alicia dance the night away. They won’t dance with anyone else. They get real emotional and sex-driven when they do the tango. Alicia suggests they leave and go home where they can get more comfortable.
32 Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred smiles, winks and rubs his bald spot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.
***
Select one part to improve each character’s story and make it more interesting or make it consistent with their character profile. Tell us what the improvement is.
Antagonist-Alicia Silverton
Name of Character: Alicia Silverman Role: Wife of Fred Silverman
Core Character Traits
-energetic
-determined
-ambitious
-wants justice
Flaw: poor money-manager
Something Alicia doesn’t want to admit about herself: That she is selfish.
Character Subtext Logline: Alicia hopes to make Fred jealous so he’ll give her the money she needs for her salon. I changed this from Alicia wanting to be popular at all costs to making Fred jealous. I thought that would make the relationship between them have more friction.
Beginning Alicia flirts with Marvin.
Middle Alicia Turns against Fred and won’t help him with money crisis
End Alicia tells Fred her true feelings for Fred.
Alicia’s beats
THE PERFECT COUPLE
Logline
“Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
Act 1
1 FRED and Alicia Silverton go to dance lessons at Linds Ballroom Dance Studio in the Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Blvd. Fred and Alicia dance the tango.
Marvin dances with Alicia. Alicia says that Marvin is a barber. Fred says he’s a barber, too. Alicia says Be serious.
2. Fred shares the money problem with Alicia. She complains because he’s not doing his half. Asks how she is supposed to pay her rent and buy new equipment for her salon? He states you don’t love me any more, do you? She ignores him. Alicia says a barber would help pay the rent. When Fred offers to be the barber, she says he is too old.
3. Fred and Alicia, Jake and Susanna are in Dr. Bill’s studio for the announcement of The Perfect Couple. Fred receives cell phone call telling him that Alicia is going to be served the divorce papers in five minutes. Dr. Bill announces Fred and Alicia as the winners. Rick Nance serves Alicia the divorce papers. Judges says they’ll wait 60 days. If their divorce goes through, the judges say that the prizes will go Susanna and Jake, as runners up.
Act 2
4. Margery, salon helper, tells Alicia that Fred’ll come back. Alicia says she didn’t know he was unhappy. We were the perfect couple. Margery suggests Alicia get a new project that she can do on her own. I know I’ll redesign the salon and rename it ALLURE HAIR STYLES FOR THE STARS. I’ll use the money in our joint savings account. I’ll teach Fred Silverman to divorce me. I’ll even use Fred’s opponent realtor Remington Home Sales. When times are tough, you take chances, especially, if it’s someone else’s money.
5. Renovation King Contractors representative tells Alicia she can reorganize your space more efficiently and have room for the new barber chair, too. You won’t need to buy another building or rent more space Alicia says I’m glad Remington Home Sales recommended you. Add a center row of comfortable chairs where people can sit and sip on wine or other beverage while waiting for appointments or socialize afterwards. Alicia will get a license to serve wine. Representative texts Alicia pictures of his remodel designs for other major salons in Los Angeles and will bring his designs for her salon on Monday.
Improvement You won’t need to buy another building or rent more space Alicia says I’m glad Remington Home Sales recommended you.
6. Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.
7. Leslie Starborough and Alicia. Alicia tells about injustice of Fred being accused of selling house with termites. Alicia shows pictures of real house that Fred sold them that has a warranty with the California Termite Company and a picture of the house the Stonewalls said Fred sold them.
Act 3
8. Entrepreneurs for a Better Los Angeles (EBLA) Annual Banquet with awards for Outstanding Entrepreneur for the Year. Reporter interviews Alicia discovers she remodeled her salon an expanded her services. When the reporter cuts down Fred, Alicia storms off stage and runs into Fred in a rat costume. Fred begs Alicia to shred the divorce papers and renew their vows. He opened Silverman Realty to find reasonable priced places for people to live. He also set up The Silverman Trust Fund to provide food, clothing, and training for the homeless shelters
in the Los Angeles area for men and women. Alicia apologizes for hiring the young guy that pushed him over the edge and for not noticing that he was afraid he was going to die.
Dr. Bill calls and says that they have been declared the winners of the Perfect Couple. Fred and Alicia talk for a minute and tell him that they would like the money, instead of the Hawaii trip, and add it to the Trust Fund for the Homeless. Alicia gives her $1,000 prize earnings to the Trust fund for the homeless too.
9. Fred and Alicia dance the night away. They won’t dance with anyone else. They get real emotional and sex-driven when they do the tango. Alicia suggests they leave and go home where they can get more comfortable.
10. Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred smiles, winks and rubs his bald spot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.
Improvement: Added the Dance Lesson scene so it would be full circle. This time Fred and Alicia dance the night away together.
3. Connecting character- Margery Name of Character: Margery Walton Role: Alicia’s Assistant at Allure Salon
-loyal
-positive-minded
-romantic
-wise beyond years
Character Subtext Logline: Wants to help Alicia’s salon make more money so she can get a raise.
Flaw: habitually late
Something Margery doesn’t want to admit about herself is that she would like to get married.
At first I had she didn’t want to admit she disagreed with her boss, Alicia. I decided that it would be much harder for Margery to admit she wanted to get married.
Beginning Margery is assistant to Alicia at Allure Salon.
Middle Falls for Marvin.
End She is manager of Allure Salon. Marvin asks Margery to go to dance class with him..
List the beats of this character’s actions intertwining with the main story
Margery’s Beats
Act 2
1. Margery, salon helper, says Fred’ll come back. Alicia says she didn’t know he was unhappy. We were the perfect couple. Margery suggests Alicia get a new project that she can do on her own. I know I’ll redesign the salon and rename it ALLURE HAIR STYLES FOR THE STARS. I’ll use the money in our joint savings account. I’ll teach Fred Silverman to divorce me. I’ll even use Fred’s opponent realtor Remington Home Sales. When times are tough, you take chances, especially, if it’s someone else’s money.
2. Margery does hair while Renovation King Contractors representative is helping with redesigning..
3. Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Margery listens to Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.
Act 3
4. Margery attends the banquet for Alicia and offers to do free hair styling for homeless women.
5. Improvement At Dance Lessons, Marvin brings Margery as his date at Dance Lessons leaving Fred and Alicia to dance the night away.
Supporting character for Protagonist-
Name of Character: Dan Jackson Role: Friend who Betrays Fred
Core Character Traits
-attention seeker
-impulsive
-feels unloved
-friendly
Character Subtext Logline: I am hurt. If I have girls all around me, I won’t feel the pain.
Flaw: heavy drinker
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself is that he is loveable.
Character Subtext Logline: I am hurt. If I have girls all around me, I won’t feel the pain.
Beginning-Dan ays women to be his harem.
Middle – Dan has no more money. Gets drunk.
End – Dan decides to work with Sandra cleaning cars.
List the beats of this character’s actions intertwining with the main story
Dan’s Beats
Act 1
1Fred calls Dan.
2Dan pays three girls $50.00 each to sit around him and pretend that he is God’s Gift to the World. Fred asks to speak to Dan alone. Dan refuses, Alicia’s hired a young barber. She says I’m too old. Dan suggests a divorce and gives him his lawyer’s business card. Dan tells Fred to pack his bags so he’ll be out of house when they serve Alicia the divorce papers. Promises Fred can stay with him while he waits for divorce to be final.
Act 2
3Fred discovers that Dan never had a job. He won the lottery. And his money is gone now. I don’t have money to pay the girls. They are with other guys now. New waitress, Sandra hears Fred talk with Dan. When Bartender and bouncer say they can’t help, Sandra tells Fred she’ll help him get Dan home.
4Fred offers Dan a job as a chef helping homeless. Dan turns him down. Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps. Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.
Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.
5Fred and Sandra get Dan into bed. Sandra says she’ll check on Dan tomorrow. She tells him she doesn’t want his money. Dan is amazed and hugs his teddy bear.
Improvement: having Sandra help get Dan to his apartment and offer to check on him the next day without his paying her any money.
5. Supporting character for Antagonist-Marvin
Beginning – Marvin flirts with Alicia and cuts down Fred.
Middle – Realizes he likes Margery better.
End -Apologizes to Fred. Helps Fred and Alicia with homeless.
Marvin’s Beats
Act 1
1. Marvin dances with Alicia and makes fun of Fred and says he can’t win The Perfect Couple because he’s too old. announced on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show.
Act 2
2. Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.
3. Fred sees billboard ad for Alicia’s remodeled salon. Allure Salon of the Stars – Has a picture of Marvin shaving one of big stars and his Mother saying it’s the salon of the stars. Fred takes out huge bottle of aspirin and takes one and drinks from bottle of water.
4. Front Page of newspaper. Picture of Alicia, his Mother, and Marvin in front of the remodeled salon for the Grand Reopening. Fred takes aspirin.
5. Marvin Attends banquet for Alicia. Marvin offers to give free shaves on Sundays for homeless. Marvin apologizes for things he said at dance lessons early on.
Improvement: Marvin apologizes for things he said at dance lessons early on.
Improvement At dance lessons, Marvin brings Margery as his partner and dances the night away with her leaving Alicia and Fred alone.
Thank you. I hope you’ll give me a few comments.
-
Day 4 Discover Your Characters
Joan Edwards
What I learned is that the core traits tell you a lot, but the things the characters don’t want you to know about them move the plot along! I hope you will give me feedback on my choices. In return, I’ll be happy to give you my opinions about your characters.
1. Name of Character: Fred Silverton Role: Husband of Alicia Silverman
Core Character Traits
-impulsive
-anxious
-honest
-competitive
Flaw: panics easily
Something Fred doesn’t want to admit about himself: He needs love and acceptance from Alicia.
Character Subtext Logline: Fred’s belief he is going to die makes him anxious and over react to his life situations.
2. Name of Character: Alicia Silverman Role: Wife of Fred Silverman
Core Character Traits
-energetic
-determined
-ambitious
-wants justice
Flaw: poor money-manager
Something Alicia doesn’t want to admit about herself: That she is selfish.
Character Subtext Logline: Alicia hopes to make Fred jealous so he’ll give her the money she needs for her salon. I changed this from Alicia wanting to be popular at all costs to making Fred jealous. I thought that would make the relationship between them have more friction.
3. Name of Character: Virgil Drake Role: Homeless Man Mentor to Fred
Core Character Traits
-proud
-smart
-stubborn
-unsure of himself
Character Subtext Logline: He hopes to get by with staying at Homeless shelter
Character Change: After witnessing Fred serve divorce papers to Alicia, he realizes how stubborn he’s been and vows to change and find a job.
Flaw: stubborn, lacks get up and goSomething Virgil doesn’t want to admit about himself is that can do something about his situation.
4. Name of Character: Dan Jackson Role: Friend who Betrays Fred
Core Character Traits
-attention seeker
-impulsive
-feels unloved
-friendly
Character Subtext Logline: I am hurt. If I have girls all around me, I won’t feel the pain.
Flaw: heavy drinker
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself is that he is loveable.
Character Subtext Logline: I am hurt. If I have girls all around me, I won’t feel the pain.
I think making it more evident how hurt, Dan is will help put another layer on him.
5. Name of Character: Margery Walton Role: Alicia’s Assistant at Allure Salon
-loyal
-positive-minded
-romantic
-wise beyond years
Character Subtext Logline: Wants to help Alicia’s salon make more money so she can get a raise.
Flaw: habitually late.
Something Margery doesn’t want to admit about herself is that she would like to get married.
At first I had she didn’t want to admit she disagreed with her boss, Alicia. I decided that it would be much harder for Margery to admit she wanted to get married.
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Joan’s Beat Sheet #1
What I learned was that thoughts will come if you give them a chance. I liked the idea of reading scenes from end to beginning. It helped think of new things.
I look forward to reading your feedback about the changes I made and about others you might think are beneficial. I’ll give feedback to anyone who would like it.
THE PERFECT COUPLE
Logline
“Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL, LIND DANCE HALL-FRIDAY LESSONS-NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, January 04, 2008
1. Montage
=Overview of Los Angeles, California, Recession January, 2008.
-Many “For Sale” Signs
-Newspaper clipping (Economy Sucks,January 13, 2008,
-Allure Hair Salon
-Close up of young man with lots of hair and really old man with bald head
-Giant mailbox says SILVERTON on the rich side of town. Trees, shrubs, flowers, lavish and spacious ranch-style home with a swimming pool and a two-car garage.
2. Follow FRED SILVERTON drives he and his wife, ALICIA SILVERTON in his company car with Forever Realty sign on door dto dance lessons at the Lind Ballroom Dance Studio in the Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Blvd.
Fred’s business car with Forever Realty, Los Angeles, CA sign on the side.
Montage
3. INT Roosevelt Hotel, Lind Ballroom Dance Studio
Fred and Alicia dance the tango. They leave dance floor. Fred coughs, pants, and pulls his tie loose.
Marvin dances with Alicia and makes fun of Fred and says he can’t win The Perfect Couple because he’s too old. announced on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show. Alicia says that marvin is a barber. Fred says he’s a barber, too. Alicia says Be serious. Seeing Alicia enjoy being with Marvin makes Fred sick and he asks Susanna and Jake to take Alicia home for him.
4. INT. FRED AND ALICIA’S HOME – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 5, 2008
Fred shares the money problem with Alicia. She complains because he’s not doing his half. Asks how she is supposed to pay her rent and buy new equipment for her salon? He states you don’t love me any more, do you? She ignores him. Alicia says a barber would help pay the rent. When Fred offers to be the barber, she says he is too old.
5. INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT
Fred tries to outdo Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel at all the exercise machines. Joe Thomson, owner tells him to take it easy. Fred says I gotta keep up with the guys to prove I’m better than this guy Marvin that Alicia’s hired as a barber. The doctor said to lose a little of his pudgy belly. Joe said the doctor didn’t tell you to kill yourself. No more contests or I’ll kick you out. Fred tries to outdo the boys again. Joe says, I warned you. Fred says, “Don’t worry. Your insurance is safe. I won’t die on you. I’m outta here.”
.
6. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 12, 2008
Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. On the front cover is a picture of a handsome young man with slick hair, every strand of hair in its place. A beautiful woman on the box cover is standing close to the handsome man. Fred notices his hair is standing on end like he’s been shocked and almost all of his hair falls out when he dries it with a towel. Gets his father’s old toupee and puts it on. Also notices his father’s obituary. Notices he died at 45 years old. Realizes he is the same age as his father was when he died. Can’t sleep. Gets cell phone and calls Dan.
7. INT. TENNICO’S BAR – NIGHT
Dan pays three girls $50.00 each to sit around him and pretend that he is God’s Gift to the World. Fred asks to speak to Dan alone. Dan refuses, Alicia’s hired a young barber. She
says I’m too old. Dan suggests a divorce and gives him his lawyer’s business card.
Pack your bags so you’ll be out when they serve the divorce papers. you can stay with me while you’re waiting for your divorce to become final.
8. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, January 14, 2008
Fred goes to office of Adam Finkelstein, divorce lawyer. Outside the window workmen are using loud jackhammers. $435.00, includes court petition and summons for dissolution of the marriage.
Jackhammer noise keeps Adam from hearing Fred and makes the serve date, on or after February 14. Fred reads the papers and doesn’t notice wrong date. Adam promises he’ll notify Fred 3 days before her serves papers to Alicia.
9. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 8, 2008
Adam calls process server Rick Fred Silverton wants these divorce papers served to his wife on or after February 14. Call me 3 days before you serve her. Can’t guarantee 3 days warning, but I’ll call before I serve.
10. INT. TELEVISION STUDIOS – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: February 14, 2008
Fred and Alicia, Jake and Susanna are in Dr. Bill’s studio for the announcement of The Perfect Couple. Fred receives cell phone call telling him that Alicia is going to be served the divorce papers in five minutes. Dr. Bill announces Fred and Alicia as the winners. Rick Nance serves Alicia the divorce papers. Judges says they’ll wait 60 days. If their divorce goes through, the judges say that the prizes will go Susanna and Jake, as runners up.
11. EXT. MEDIA WORLD – NIGHT
BEGIN MONTAGE
-Fred Silverton dumps wife, Alicia on national tv.
-Marquees light up. Fred Silverman dumps Alicia on Valentine’s Day on national tv.
-Fred Silverman should write e-book entitled “How to Kill a Relationship Fast, serve divorce papers on Valentine’s Day.
-Facebook: Take your wife by surprise: divorce her on Valentine’s Day.
-Twitter: Old Rat serves divorce papers to young wife on Valentine’s Day.
-Talk Radio Show: Real estate salesman serves divorce papers on Valentine’s Day. I wonder what the closing costs will be for that deal.
-Amber Alerts. Scumbag serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV.
-Cell phones messages and photos.
-New York Time Square Ticker Tape Sign: Heartless man serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show
-Meico Commercial: Was this bad karma or what? Los Angeles Man serves divorce papers to his wife on GUESS WHAT DAY IT WAS? Valentine’s Day. No hump for you, big guy.
END MONTAGE
12. INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT
Fred sits in his company car listening to the radio. His cell phone rings off the hook. He turns it off. Fred thinks that no one understands that Alicia and I are embers in a dying fire.
13. INT. Jake’s Restaurant – Morning
SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 15, 2008
Jake says You used to be so happy. That’s why we nominated you for The Perfect Couple. Fred says Alicia doesn’t love me. She hired a hot shot barber. She wouldn’t hire me. I’m too old. Susanna points out that he could live to be seventy like his mother. Fred says home sales are down. Alicia says I don’t make enough money. Jake offers him part-time work in his restaurant.
14. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – AFTERNOON
Margery, salon helper, says Fred’ll come back. Alicia says she didn’t know he was unhappy. We were the perfect couple. Margery suggests Alicia get a new project that she can do on her own. I know I’ll redesign the salon and rename it ALLURE HAIR STYLES FOR THE STARS. I’ll use the money in our joint savings account. I’ll teach Fred Silverman to divorce me. I’ll even use Fred’s opponent realtor Remington Home Sales. When times are tough, you take chances, especially, if it’s someone else’s money.
15. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, February 16, 2008
Renovation King Contractors representative tells Alicia she can reorganize the space you have more efficiently and have room for barber chair, too. Add a center row of comfortable chairs where people can sit and sip on wine or other beverage while waiting for appointments or socialize afterwards. Alicia will get a license to serve wine. Representative texts Alicia pictures of his remodel designs for other major salons in Los Angeles and will bring his designs for her salon on Monday.
16. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT
Fred wears a hat. Money sticking out of his pockets. Dream Sequence: he goes in and the girls are all over him. Saying he is hot. In real life when he goes into Tenneco’s It doesn’t happen that way at all. The Girls hit him and call him every name in the book for serving Alicia divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV. He’s so hot, they pour a pitcher of ice water down his shirt.
17 INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT
Fred wearing stylish gym clothes, on the lookout for dames, Fred swaggers into the gym. Walks with a lilt and feels great. Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel give him the cold treatment and move away from him no matter where he goes. Fred loses his temper and rants and raves. He asks does anyone care? He leaves
18. EXT. Fred’s Car
Peels off and heads to Dan’s apartment.
19. EXT. OUTSIDE DAN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Fred parks his company car and rolls his suitcase up the sidewalk to Dan’s apartment building, up the long staircase to Dan’s Apt 2A Dan tells Fred to go away. Fred says you promised I could stay with you. Dan says that was before you divorced your wife on National TV on Valentine’s Day. Fred states they were not supposed to serve her until the 15<sup>th</sup>. Dan says that doesn’t make it better. You’re not my friend, any more. Go. Fred says, “Fine. I’ll stay with Mother. She loves me.”
20. INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT
Fred sleeps in the car as his Mother’s already in bed.
21. EXT. EXPENSIVE HOME FOR SALE – DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE) SUPERIMPOSE: Sunday, February 17, 2008
BEGIN DREAM MONTAGE
-People are lined up at the office to get an appointment with him to buy a house.
-Ten closings with different people who sign closing papers. -images of Fred getting money from ten different clients each time adding money to his pockets. Two shirt pockets. Two side pockets on his trousers. Four inside pockets on his suit jacket. And two outside pockets of his jacket.
-Show Fred with money dangling from every pocket.
22. INT Forever Realty
Kaufman of Forever Realty fires Fred because of what he did to Alicia on tv..
He tells Fred to leave the car and the keys in it.
Fred asks if he’d drop him off at his Mother’s house. Kaufmann says take the bus.
23. INT. CYNTHIA SILVERMAN’S HOUSE – DAY
Fred’s mother, Cynthia Silverman disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. She pushes him out the door and throws his suitcase and briefcase out the front door.
24. EXT. FRED’S MOTHER’S HOUSE – DAY
Fred’s mother won’t let him take his bike but butler gets it for him.
Stanley Peterson, Cynthia’s butler, motions for Fred to come to the garage on the side of the house. Brings bike out of the garage. Gives Fred a wad of one dollar bills.
Fred rides off, the bike wobbles from side to side. The cold weather makes Fred shiver.
25. EXT Carlos Avenue
Montage
-poor side of Carlos Avenue.
-stopped up drains
-little or no grass
-trash cans overloaded
-Fred hears landlord evicting family and three children for non-payment of their rent. He stops to sit on bench and cries.
26. EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
Fred parks his bike at the homeless shelter. Gets at the end of the very long line. Virgil, Man in front of him recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show, tells him the only way to make it right is to beg her forgiveness on nationwide television. Tells him not to be like him, he lost his job, wife, and his children. Fred says you could get another job, couldn’t you. He says he never tried. Seeing you on television showed me how stupid I was. Fred says he’s going job hunting in the morning and asks Virgil to come. Fred offers to give him a shave and a haircut. Goes to front desk at homeless shelter and sets up to do shaves and haircuts for all the men who want it.
27. INT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY
A TV news reporter videos Fred shaving and cutting hair on a live news cast. Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for interviews.
28. INT. ALICIA’S SALON – DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, February 18, 2008
Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.
29. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY
Fred sees billboard ad for Alicia’s remodeled salon. Allure Salon of the Stars – Has a picture of Marvin shaving one of big stars and his Mother saying it’s the salon of the stars. Fred takes out huge bottle of aspirin and takes one and drinks from bottle of water.
30. EXT. NEWSTAND – DAY
Front Page of newspaper. Picture of Alicia, his Mother, and Marvin in front of the remodeled salon for the Grand Reopening. Fred takes aspirin.
31. EXT. FOREVER REAL ESTATE – DAY
Couple meet him and Mr. Kaufman in front of Forever Realty claiming he sold them a house with termites. Gave them a copy of court papers where they are suing Fred and Forever Realty and interviewing on 65 minutes. Fred and Kaufman work together to solve problem.
32. INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Leslie Starborough and Alicia. Alicia tells about injustice of Fred being accused of selling house with termites. Alicia shows pictures of real house that Fred sold them that has a warranty with the California Termite Company and a picture of the house the Stonewalls said Fred sold them.
33. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT
Fred discovers that Dan never had a job. He won the lottery. And his money is gone now. I don’t have money to pay the girls. They are with other guys now. New waitress hears Fred talk with Dan. When Bartender and bouncer say they can’t help, a new waitress Sandra tells Fred she’ll help him get Dan home.
34. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps.
Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.
Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.
35. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
They get Dan into bed. Sandra says she’ll check on Dan tomorrow. She tells him she doesn’t want his money.
36. INT. FOREVER REALTY
Superimpose: Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Since Stonewalls case was thrown out, Kaufmann offers Fred his job back Fred tells Kaufmann about new venture to form Silverton realty for inexpensive homes.
37. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Dr. Benton gives Fred new prescription, tells him he’s always speaking for other people he needs to speak up for himself and decide who he wants to be with when he dies.
38. INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM – NOON
SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, April 16, 2008
Entrepreneurs for a Better Los Angeles (EBLA) Annual Banquet with awards for Outstanding Entrepreneur for the Year. Reporter interviews Alicia discovers she remodeled her salon an expanded her services. When the reporter cuts down Fred, Alicia storms off stage and runs into Fred in a rat costume. Fred begs Alicia to shred the divorce papers and renew their vows. He opened Silverman Realty to find reasonable priced places for people to live. He also set up The Silverman Trust Fund to provide food, clothing, and training for the homeless shelters
in the Los Angeles area for men and women. Alicia apologizes for hiring the young guy that pushed him over the edge and for not noticing that he was afraid he was going to die.
Dr. Bill calls and says that they have been declared the winners of the Perfect Couple. Fred and Alicia talk for a minute and tell him that they would like the money, instead of the Hawaii trip, and add it to the Trust Fund for the Homeless. Alicia gives her $1,000 prize earnings to the Trust fund for the homeless too.
39. INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL
Fred and Alicia dance the night away. They won’t dance with anyone else. Marvin has his own partner. They get real emotional and sex-driven when they do the tango. Alicia suggests they leave and go home where they can get more comfortable.
40. EXT. HOME – NIGHT
Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred smiles, winks and rubs his bald spot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.
On the door is a sign that says,
The Perfect Couple.
***
Parts I elevated.
3. Part of town Fred and Alicia don’t notice.
-poor side of Carlos Avenue. No shrubs, no trees, stopped up drains, little grass
-no place to park,
-town swimming pool so crowded you can’t feel the water.
-tall apartment houses with no heat or air conditioning.
-landlords evicting renters for non-payment
-radio announces record breaking cold weather of twenty-nine degrees which makes Fred and Alicia shiver.
-Los Angeles Mission’s Homeless Shelter has an overload of men and women in line.
Leave this out. Have Fred notice this as he rides the bus after he’s fired and heading for his Mother’s house..
6.INT. GYM – NIGHT
Fred tries to outdo his friends at all the exercise machines. Joe Thomson, night manager tells him to take it easy. Fred says I gotta keep up with the guys. The doctor said to lose a little of his pudgy belly. Joe said the doctor didn’t tell you to kill yourself. His friends tell him he beat them us on sit-ups and toe touches, he doesn’t have to beat them at every thing.. Don’t try to outdo the others. If I see you doing that again, Fred I’ll kick you out and ban you from coming back.
Maybe have 3 friends instead of 4.
7. INT. GYM – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Sunday, January 6, 2008
Fred tries to outdo his friends Carlos, Reggie, Steve, and Miguel again. He says he has to win the contests to prove that he is better than Marvin. Joe Thomson reminds him no contests or you are out of here. Fred says I’m out of here.
3 friends instead of 4.
24. EXT. Blake Street EXPENSIVE HOME FOR SALE – DAY
Fred’s clients, Stuart and Mabel Potts recognize him from Dr. Bill’show and refuses to do business with a wife jilter. Harold Kaufman, Forever Realty slams on brakes and jumps out of car and fires Fred.
25. EXT Blake Street
Repo services follow Fred closely. Tell him to stop or they’ll shoot. He keeps going and stops in Church parking lot. They yank Fred out. Throw his belongings beside him and take the car.
He walks to his Mother’s house.
Kaufman of Forever Realty fires Fred because of tv coverage.
Leave the car and the keys in it. You’ll get your severance pay on Friday.
You can take the bus.
35. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT
Fred discovers that Dan never had a job. Winning the Lottery gave him his money. And his money is gone now. I don’t have money to pay the girls. They are with other guys now. New waitress hears Fred talk with Dan. When Bartender and bouncer say they can’t help, a new waitress Sandra tells Fred she’ll help him get Dan home.
36. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps to his second floor apartment. Fred and Sandra finally get him to his door. Fred digs deep in Dan’s pocket for his keys. Dan almost falls but Sandra’s able to put a body lock on him.
Fred opens the door.
37. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
They get Dan into bed. Sandra says she’ll check on Dan tomorrow. She tells him she doesn’t want his money.
Rewrite so montages – on stairs, unlocking door, taking off shoes, then live with Sandra saying she’ll come back to check on him tomorrow.
38. INT. OUTSIDE LOS ANGELES COURTHOUSE – AFTERNOON SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Reporter interviews Burt Stonewall who says he and his wife were mistaken about Fred selling them a house with termites. The court threw the case out.
Perhaps have meeting of Fred and owner of Forever Realty to give Fred his job back after case with Stonewalls case thrown out. Fred and Forever Realty go in together to form Silverton realty for inexpensive homes.
41. EXT. HOME – NIGHT
Rework where they dance the tango. Consider going to dance lessons to go full circle.
Fred cooks dinner and they eat by candlelight. Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred winks and rubs his baldspot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.
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Joan Edwards’ Day 2 Elevating the Screenplay Structure
What I learned doing this is that a summary is shorter than the screenplay three-act structure.
I look forward to your comments on my structure, so I can elevate it more.
2022-02-07
“Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
Basic Structure
1. Opening:
Friends nominate Fred and Alicia Silverman as THE PERFECT COUPLE. Fred and Alicia go to dance lessons. New man Marvin makes fun of Fred’s bald head and dances Tango romantically with Alicia. Fred gets sick of that and goes home.
Argues with Alicia about finances as housing market is slow. No sales. Goes to gym and works out with friends. He can’t outdo them and gym manager tells him not to come back. He doesn’t want him to die.
Fred’s hair is coming out. He uses hairgrow. More hair falls out. He finds his father’s obituary and is afraid he’s going to die at 45 like him. Goes to see friend, Dan, at bar. Dan is happy with women all around him since he got divorced.
2. Inciting Incident: first 10 pages
Things go from bad to worse when Rick serves Alicia divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on national television on Valentine’s Day right after they announce them as The Perfect Couple.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
World-wide Media finds out what a rat, Fred is. He loses his real-estate job. His own Mother disowns him and takes him out of her will.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1:
Alicia owns Allure hair salon and hires Marvin a young barber to shave men and cut their hair so that more stars will frequent her salon. She uses their joint savings account to pay for remodeling her salon without Fred’s knowledge.
5. Mid-Point:
Fred ends up at the Homeless Shelter. Befriends the homeless by cutting their hair and helps them get training and clothing for job interviews.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:
Couple sues Fred for selling him home with termites. Court proves this wrong.
7. Crisis:
Doctor gives him new medicine to try. Tells Fred he needs a new attitude. Doctor asks Fred to figure out who wants to be with when he dies.
Fred discovers Dan is hot happily divorced like Fred thought. Dan is plastered drunk all by himself at the bar. No women are hugging on Dan. Dan tells Fred that he has no job; he won the lottery. Dan’s money is gone. He used every last penny of his money to pay women to sit with him in the bar. New girl at bar takes Dan home for no pay..
8. Climax: Alicia wins Entrepreneur of the Month with a local group because of her renovations with her Allure Salon. Reporter tries to talk bad about Fred. She leave the interview and runs into Fred entering stage dressed as rat. Fred begs for Alicia to come back to him. She shreds the divorce papers. They renew their vows. Reporters film for local news. Fred asks Alicia to join him in Silverton Realty Company to help get housing for homeless. Dr. Bill notifies that they have been designated as “The Perfect Couple” with a trip to Hawaii. Alicia and Fred announce that they are taking the money rather than the trip and putting it into a trust fund to help the homeless in the Los Angeles area.
9. Resolution:
Fred and Alicia spend a week together learning to talk with each other again. They go to dance lessons and only dance with each other. Marvin has a young star dancing with him. Dan and girl from bar join them. Fred cooks spaghetti dinner for them with nice music. They eat and dance and head to bedroom.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Joan Edwards Logline and One Page Summary
What I learned is that simplicity is important. It is also important to keep the significant ingredients of the story in your screenplay summary.
Romantic-Comedy
I look forward to partnering with one of you!
Logline:
Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on national television on Valentine’s Day?
One Page Summary
Friends nominate Fred and Alicia Silverman as THE PERFECT COUPLE. Fred’s hair is coming out. He’s afraid he’s going to die at 45 like his father did.
Alicia owns Allure hair salon. She refuses to use Fred as her barber and hires young and handsome Marvin to shave men and cut their hair to attract more stars to her salon. She uses their joint savings account to pay for remodeling her salon without Fred’s knowledge.
Fred’s friend, Dan has divorced and seems to be happy with girls all around him in the bar. Fred decides to divorce Alicia.
Rick serves Alicia divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on national television on Valentine’s Day right right after Dr. Bill announces Fred and Alicia as The Perfect Couple.
World-wide media finds out what a rat, Fred is. He loses his real-estate job. His friends won’t talk with him. His own Mother disowns him and takes him out of her will.
Fred stays at the Homeless Shelter. He befriends the homeless: cuts their hair and helps them receive training and clothing for job interviews. Fred starts a realty company to help get inexpensive housing for homeless and sets up a trust fund to help the homeless in the Los Angeles area.
Alicia wins Entrepreneur of the Month with a local business group. Fred dresses as rat begs Alicia to accept him back. Alicia shreds divorce papers. Alicia and Fred renew their wedding vows and spend a week together at home to rebuild their relationship.
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1. My name is Joan Edwards.
2. I have written 1 drama, 1 rom com, and have an outline for an action screenplay from the Action course, I recently completed..
3. I hope to learn skills to rewrite in a smart, fun way so that I can get my screenplays produced and on the big screen in theatres and in homes.
4. Something unusual about me is that I worked in the Pentagon as a typist/steno to earn money for college and I played Julius Caesar in my all girl’s high school.
Glad to meet you!
Joan
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Joan Y. Edwards
I agree to the terms of the release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Dear Cameron,
Thanks for pointing out that it’s easy to distinguish between beer and whiskey.
Thanks for explaining that you believe Ansaca would get someone else to do his dirty work for him.
Thanks for telling me that you’d like to know how Bladen got so good at all his skills.
I appreciate your feedback. I’ll ponder your ideas and revise my outline. Enjoy your writing. Yo are good at it.
Sincerely,
Joan
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Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 2
Dear Cameron,
You have created an interesting script outline. Please disregard any idea I have that you do not think is a good one. This is your script. You are its creator. I like to throw out ideas to ponder. I want to encourage you, not discourage you.
Here are two Blue Ribbon Scene Descriptions
Blue Ribbon Plain and simple explanation. Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.
Blue Ribbon Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.
You used the word “just’ 6 times. Use it sparingly.
Suggest: Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had…the power to duplicate herself.
Suggest: Scene 6 However, Janus performs this act without knowing that duplicating herself kills the host in a world where death should be impossible.
Question: Scene 30. Who attacks who? Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her.
Suggest: Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. If Janus returns, Adam threatens to destroy the world again and start over “because that’s what gods do.”
Question: Scene 39. Who reveals? It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her and her siblings too, since their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Outline Version 2 Thanks for reading my outline. Please tell me which ideas work and note how I can improve the areas that are foggy.
What I learned in revising this outline is that using Hal’s Mastery Sheet helps give you amazing ideas when you spend time pondering the pitch and the action scenes. It’s also helpful when other people give you an idea you didn’t think of.
Title: Bladen’s Revenge
Logline: Victimized by an unscrupulous mortgage lender and rendered homeless, a man takes action when the lender scams his grandmother threatening to take all she owns. His investigation stirs up a hornet’s nest and puts his life in danger, when he learns the scope of the scam, fraudulent foreclosures, and the death of a former neighbor.
Action Outline:
Blade’s Revenge
1. Ansaca Kennelworth’s lawyers draw up First and Second Mortgages and Bladen’s parents sign them-not realizing they are two different mortgages that will require them to make with two different payments each month.
2. Ansaca along with his father stands smiling when Bladen and family are kicked out of their home. They foreclose forty other homes and kick out those families, too. Up and down the streets all you see is Foreclosed signs.
3. Bladen and family live in a car. Bladen loses fight with three school bullies making fun of his living arrangements. Man teaches Bladen Tae Kwon Do.
4. Another fight with bully. Bladen beats up the three boys who attacked him. Put in jail for one year for cutting off boy’s ear with knife. Swore he’d never get in jail again. He’d practice so he’d miss the body and play with their minds.
5. Inciting Incident Years later Ansaca becomes CEO of Bulwark Bank in middle city USA. He scams Bladen’s Grandmother’s retirement money in an investment. Bladen interrogates his grandmother. Discovers in newspaper that the deal was fraudulent and cheated many others out of life savings at Bulwark Bank, even the chief of police.
6. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank and gets his Grandmother’s agent, Hank Smith’s attention when he throws a knife and barely misses his chin. Hank informs that Ansaca forced him to sell the deal or his children would starve. Bladen threatens Hank had better give him more facts or his children will be fatherless. Hank gives Bladen his credentials to pose as him at a banking convention to meet Ansaca. Hank tells Bladen he’ll never pull it off because Bladen doesn’t look anything like him.
7. Bladen disguises as Hank Smith at Banking Convention. Ansaca brags to fake Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
8. Craig Newhouse, Bladen’s neighbor from old neighborhood sends letters demanding money to Bladen and Ansaca boasts that he has condemning evidence for the highest bidder.
9. Ansaca shoots Craig and takes the incriminating papers. Ansaca brags that no one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested. If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.
10. Bladen hurries to Craig Newhouse. When Bladen gets there, Craig barely gets out “Ansaca.” Bladen searches and finds key to locker at Stateside Bank. Craig dies.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
11. Bladen discovers vans from Shay Security Systems, his former employer at the Bulwark Bank. Bladen goes to security company’s office and deflects top notch programmer to coffee and steals secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.
12. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank, guard spots him. Bladen departs quickly. Guards chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area for safety deposit boxes. Bladen escapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.
13. Ansaca calls Bladen, asks what’s up with his scouting expedition, and threatens Bladen says his grandmother’s home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. Hangs up. Ansaca gives DIRECT ORDER TO KILL Bladen ON SIGHT inside his bank.
14. Bladen breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He expects to find papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures. But discovers Ansaca’s personal vaults are empty. Bladen figures they are at Ansaca’s home.
Mid-Point
15. Bladen calls on his 3 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood and Police Chief. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places. ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
16. Ansaca’s sends his highest skilled men to kidnap Bladen and keep him hostage. TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER. Bladen fills bottles with whiskey that so they are so loaded they can’t walk and pass out. Bladen gets away.
Crisis
17. Ansaca goes to bank to get secret documents. Real Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Bladen gets inside vaults. Ansaca puts documents from secret vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.
Climax
18. Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. Bladen gets the briefcase. His guys surround Ansaca and police chief arrests him.
19. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland.
20. Ansaca by force steps down as CEO and thinks he’s off free. But the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who didn’t qualify and would not be able to pay the mortgage payments. In the briefcase they find proof that Ansaca killed not only Craig Newhouse but three others from the neighborhood.
Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement, no parole, for the rest of his life. Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Outline Version 1
Thanks for reading my outline. I would appreciate it if one of you will tell me which ideas work and note how I can improve the areas that are foggy.
Title: Bladen’s Revenge
Logline: Will a man whose family was homeless because of fraudulent foreclosure be able to control his anger when the same man scams his grandmother’s retirement funds.
Action Outline:
Blade’s Revenge
1. Ansaca Kennelworth’s lawyers draw up First and Second Mortgages and people sign them-not realizing they are two different mortgages that will require them to make with two different payments each month.
2. Ansaca along with his father stands smiling when Bladen and family are kicked out of their home. They foreclose forty other homes and kick out those families, too. Up and down the streets all you see is Foreclosed signs.
3. Bladen and family live in a car. Bladen loses fight with three school bullies making fun of his living arrangements. Then man teaches Bladen Tae Kwon Do.
4. Another fight with bully. Bladen beats up the three boys who attacked him.
5. Inciting Incident Years later Ansaca becomes CEO of Bulwark Bank in middle city USA. He scams Bladen’s Grandmother’s retirement money in an investment. Bladen interrogates his grandmother. Discovers in newspaper that the deal was fraudulent. Many others cheated out of life savings. No one caught as being responsible. One of them is the police chief. All of them have bank accounts with Bulwark Bank.
6. Bladen goes to bank and talks with bank official, Hank Smith who set up his Grandmother’s account. When Bladen leans on him by throwing a knife and barely misses his chin and hits the wall. Hank tells that
Ansaca made up the deal and told them they had to sell it or be canned. Hank states his children need food. Bladen states he’d better give him more facts or his children will be fatherless. Hank tells Bladen about a upcoming banking convention. Hank gives Bladen his credentials for getting in. Hank tells Bladen he’ll never pull it off. You don’t look anything like me.
7. Bladen disguises as Hank Smith and goes to Banking Convention. Ansaca brags to fake Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
8. Craig Newhouse, Bladen’s neighbor from old neighborhood sends letters demanding money to Bladen and Ansaca that he has condemning evidence from foreclosed homes that would put Ansaca in jail for a very long time. He plans to give the evidence to the highest bidder.
9. Ansaca states again that no one has the incriminating evidence except for him. He goes to see Craig to make sure. He discovers the papers are very incriminating and shoots Craig and takes the papers. Ansaca says no one can get to him. He has people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested. If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.”
10. Bladen hurries to Craig Newhouse. When Bladen gets there, Craig barely gets out “Ansaca.” Bladen searches and finds key to locker at Stateside Bank. Craig dies.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
11. Ansaca finds out that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would he be able to do it. Ansaca sends guys to check out Bladen’s restaurant. Bladen in disguise serves them food. Bladen chops things in fine little pieces on their plates in front of them. They explain Bladen’s restaurant is legitimate and that Ansaca should eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen.
12. Bladen discovers Shay Security Systems trucks at the Bulwark Bank. Since he used to work for them, Bladen goes to security company’s office and deflects top notch programmer to coffee and steals secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.
13. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank, guard spots him. Bladen departs quickly. Guards chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area for safety deposit boxes. Bladen escapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes what he has to do next time…sees the kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.
14. Ansaca calls Bladen on cellphone and asks him what’s up with his scouting expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandmother’s home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. Hangs up. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.
15. Bladen breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He expects to find papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures. But discovers Ansaca’s personal vaults are empty. Bladen figures they are at Ansaca’s home.
Mid-Point
16. Bladen calls on his 7 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood. Police Chief. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places. ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
17. Ansaca’s sends his highest skilled men to kidnap Bladen and keep him hostage. TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER. Bladen fills bottles with whiskey that so they are so loaded they can’t walk and pass out. Bladen gets away.
Crisis
18. Ansaca goes to bank to get secret documents. Real Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Bladen gets inside vaults. Ansaca puts documents from secret vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.
Climax
19. Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. Bladen gets the briefcase. His seven guys surround Ansaca and arrest him.
20. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland.
21. Ansaca by force has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free. But the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who can’t afford to pay them back. In the briefcase they find proof that Ansaca killed not only Craig Newhouse but three others from the neighborhood.
Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement, no parole, for the rest of his life. Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Fast formatting! (Nail Biting Action Description)
What I learned doing this assignment is these descriptions really add awe to the script. Sometimes in writing a scene, it backfires and the Villain outsmarts your Hero. Then you have to add more stamina and guts to the situation.
1. Write an Action scene for your project that includes each of these formatting techniques.
A. Basic Formatting
B. Dash or Ellipsis?
C. Sound, then Explanation
D. Mixing Sluglines into Action
E. Stacking Action
F. Stacking Dialogue2. Choose images, actions, and sounds that make this scene visceral!
Final Scene
MISSION 9 Ansaca and Bladen meet face to face at Ansaca’s ranch. Ansaca has a briefcase with him. Bladen gets the briefcase. Police Chief arrests Ansaca. They discover evidence is not in the briefcase.
Bladen figures that Ansaca must have the information at his home. When he gets to Ansaca’s home, he sees Ansaca coming out the door. He’s been hiding behind the big 100 year old tree.
EXT. OUTSIDE ANSACA’S HOME
Bladen hides behind tall wide tree. When Ansaca runs down the porch steps, Bladen jumps behind him. He twiets his arms behind him.
CRACK
ANSACA: What the hell?
Bladen twists Ansaca’s arms behind him.
CRACK CRACK CRACK
Bladen breaks 3 fingers. Ansaca lets go of the briefcase.
SWISH
Ansaca jumps and knees Bladen. Bladen drops the briefcase.
Ansaca runs to the barn. Comes out the back on a black stallion. He has trouble staying on the horse because of his broken fingers on his right hand.
Bladen chases him. The police chief follows in his jeep.
It starts thundering and lightning. Ansaca’s horse whinnies and bucks him off.
Bladen catches him.
SPLASH SQUISH SPLASH
Mud squishes under and over their shoes.
SLIP SLOP
Both men slip and drop into the mud. Each time they get up, they fall back down.
Bladen uses a rope and ties Ansaca’s arms behind him.
SIRENS.
The police chief comes. He jumps out of the car running towards Bladen.
Bladen pushes Ansaca to the chief. Chief puts handcuffs on him and shoves him into the backseat of the police car.
Bladen gets inside car out of the rain and looks in briefcase.
He calls chief on phone.
BLADEN: It’s not here.
CHIEF: What?
BLADEN: He tricked us.
BLADEN: It’s empty!!!
HA HA! HEE! HEE!
ANSACA burst out laughing.
BLADEN to CHIEF: Go to STEP 3. It’s a must now..
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Great Action Set Piece! What I learned doing this assignment is I don’t know enough about writing a script. There are so many factors to enter. I can only focus on one at a time.
Take an Action Set Piece from your outline and use the steps above to turn it into an amazing experience for the reader and audience.
SCENE ACTION Break into security company’s computer to steal secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.
Pre-Action Bladen knows he needs to know the lock combinations to get the evidence he needs.His family and other families depend upon his being successful in not only getting evidence but putting Ansaca in jail forever.
Action Bladen used to work here. They haven’t changed the security since he was there last time. That is a positive thing. Someone is working late in the office. That’s a bad thing. He has one of his buddies call and ask the person at their desk to meet them for coffee. It’s an emergency.
Person leaves and then Bladen goes to file cabinet and gets folder. It has the passwords and security set up for Ansaca. There is one thing he needs from the computer that lets him over ride any new configurations. He is locked out. He hears the elevator door ding. He wonders if that person is coming back. Suddenly the computer gives it the screen he needs. He turns off the computer and the head of the company comes in.
President: What are you doing here? You quit last week.
Bladen: Calvin asked me to help him with a new set up. He forgot how to code it.
President: “I’ll have to talk with him about that.”
Bladen: Have mercy on the poor boy. His wife’s having a baby and he needs his job. I’ll tell him myself to call you next time.
President: I can’t have that – baby or no baby! He’s out of here.
Bladen: The Home and health federal guidelines say you can’t fire a man whose wife is having a baby. It’s line 4325-f on the law that passed last month. They will put your company on their B list.
President: We have a lot of federal accounts. I can’t lose them. I’ll let him stay. But any other instances and he’s out of here.
Bladen: If you talk to him about this, it will be called harassment.
President: All right. What was the number of that law again? While he was getting his pen and paper out. Bladen disappeared. He went down the stairway. You could hear the elevator ding again.
Calvin came back from meeting the person who called for coffee.
Calvin: Went out for coffee with a friend. I’m almost finished with your reports.
President: Good. Take your time. Why didn’t you tell me you needed a night off to be with your Mrs. Go home and be with her. It’s late. You can finish tomorrow.
Calvin: Gee thanks, boss.
Post-Action Bladen knew he had to get out of there fast. He took the information and went back to his car. He took off and drove down the street. He checked behind him. No one seemed to be following him. Perhaps the young man didn’t rat on him after all. He went and parked outside the church.
Bladen: Lord, I need your help. Amen.
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Assignment: Lesson 13 Making Action Unique
Subject line: Joan Edwards Unique Action!
What I learned doing this assignment is that when you have several things that are unique about your screenplay, it makes it stand out from the rest of the stories that may be similar in plot.
ASSIGNMENT:
Pick at least one action scene that you want to make more unique. Then use this process to generate ideas.
1. Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:
Environment: middle sized city
in the middle of Wyoming tenth largest state and has the lowest population
state with low population, 567,000 for whole state . Pleasant Grove or
Logan Utah has about 30,000 population. It’s close to the mountains.I like Pleasant Grove as a name because it’s not very pleasant when people con you out of money. But I shouldn’t use a real name.
Cheyenne has 67,000 people.
Rules: When you do good, 2
steps prohibit the evil one from succeeding one step. What if the bank had
a rule that the person who opened an account for you could have access to
it.
Villain: Uses fire to destroy
evidence. The forensics people used the latest in technology to figure out how
it was started and perhaps evidence of who started it.
Mission: Not only get justice
for the people in the neighborhood but stop Ansaca and people like him
from working in the bank business similar to the sex offender listing for
neighborhoods.
Struggle: What if they end up
fighting on the roof and a blade of the helicopter knocks Ansaca off the
building. Or what if there was a big oven and Ansaca stood in front of the
open door. One kick from Bladen sends Ansaca into the big oven.
Unique Skillset: Security,
fighting, cooking,
Meaning: Saves people’s homes
and savings and also helps homeless train for jobs in the bank to take it
over.
Allies: People who have been
tricked into signing 2<sup>nd</sup> mortgages; people in old neighborhood.
Courses to educate them into papers they should be signing and not any
others.
Weapon:Wrapping in cellophane tape like a mummy
Tae Kwon do and Karate
2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:
A. What if…?
B. Take to an extreme.
C. Specific to character or
environment.
D. Shocking or Surprising.
E. Go opposite.
F. What haven’t we seen? -
Subject line: Joan Edwards Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s tough to do emotions on call.
Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use danger, excitement, and adrenaline.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
A. Danger Ansaca goes to bank vault. Leaves with briefcase.
B. Excitement Bladen goes to bank and ties up his guards.
C. Adrenaline Bladen fights Ansaca and gets the briefcase.
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting danger, excitement, and adrenaline.
Ansaca is in his limo. He gets a call from a friend.
Daniel: There are 7 people helping Bladen. They are headed to the bank now.
Ansaca They don’t know my access code. They can’t get into my vault. It’s secure.
Daniel: They are highly skilled and dangerous. You’d better get out of the country.
Ansaca: They don’t have any evidence. I’ve got it all. I’ll get it before they do.
Ansaca hangs up and tells driver to go to Bulwark bank.
Danger Ansaca goes to bank alone. He puts documents he needs from vault in a big briefcase. He opens the red folder and makes sure the document naming people and places and their job is in there.
Adrenaline Bladen follows Ansaca to the bank.
Excitement When he gets to the guards outside the main vault, Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. Bladen hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Leaves only a keyhole of space to breathe. Covers their eyes with duck tape. They can’t see and they can’t move. All they can do is breathe.
Danger Bladen moves inside the door to the vault. There is an inner door. He knows Ansaca is in there. Bladen’s breathing gets more rapid. He feels his heart and looks up as if looking to God for an answer.
Ansaca closes the vault behinds him and turns to the right. He’s face to face with Bladen who now blocks his movement in any direction.
Ansaca: You’re dead. You know. My guards will get you.
Bladen kicks his knee that stops Ansaca in his tracks. Ansaca moves back and Bladen side-kicks him. Ansaca still holds tight to his briefcase. Then Bladen hit him where it hurts. He leaned over in great pain and drops the briefcase. Bladen grabs the briefcase and leaves the building and goes down fire escape. Ansaca calls for his guards. They don’t respond because they are still tied up. He calls 911 to report theft and for paramedics to help his guards.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Level 2 Action Emotions What I learned doing this assignment is it helps you to learn more about your characters when you make them face surprise, shock, and suspense! SURPRISE:
Definition:
To come upon or discover
suddenly and unexpectedly; to elicit or bring out suddenly and without
warning.How
To: Create an unexpected
situation that startlesSHOCK:
Definition:
A sudden or violent disturbance
of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities.
How
To: Create a surprise that elevates
the level of fear and has significant repercussions.SUSPENSE:
Definition: A state or feeling of excited or anxious uncertainty
about what may happen. Doubt of safety
How
To: Set up a significant
consequence and delay the delivery.The difference between
Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use surprise, shock, and suspense.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions: surprise, shock, and suspense.
Chase to get to Craig Newhouse first, would get the information. Turns out that someone else learned about it and wrapped Craig up and there was a note there when Bladen got there that said. What you seek is gone. With funny signature. Bladen decided to hide out to see what happened when Ansaca came. Evidently he had someone watching and he never showed up. Actually, his car ran out of gas. He sent one of his guys to look. They came back and told him about the note. Ansaca said, Huh. I think Bladen has it. “If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.” One of his buddies said, he might not have the information with him. Ansaca says no one has the incriminating evidence except for me. Not to worry.
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting surprise, shock, and suspense.
Bladen believes he is the only one to know about Craig Newhouse having proof of Ansaca’s guilt.
Niece: Help me with my homework, please.
Bladen: Can’t. I’ve got to go.
Niece: But you promised.
Bladen: I know. Pedro will help you. He’s good at math.
Niece: Okay, but next time it’s got to be you. Gives him a hug.
Bladen gets in car and puts blades in his hip pocket. Goes through a few red lights.
When he gets to Craig’s apartment. it’s eerie. There are no lights on. He parks at the back. He uses a flash light. He breaks in with a jutted key. He searches the kitchen with his flashlight and follows a blood trail to the bedroom. He kneels down beside Craig. Checks his heart beat.
Bladen: Too late.
Reads the note aloud: Don’t mess with me. I’ve got the evidence you seek. Signed with funny scrawled A.
Bladen: Damn you, Craig. You should have known Ansaca wouldn’t play fair. Your life is more important than money!
Bladen heard the sirens and left by the back door. He got in his car and headed for the restaurant. He didn’t want to leave any clues he’d been there. They might suspect it was he that killed him because he got a note, too. He couldn’t get arrested before the convention.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is when you say something
is there like an emotion, suddenly the thoughts emerge for you to put down on
the paper. Believing and faith makes it come true.Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions. Anxiety, Fear, Relief
Anxiety
Definition:
Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
How To:
Foreshadow, hint to, or create expectation of possible trouble to come. Danger
lurks around them.
FEAR:
Definition: A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger,
evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or
condition of being afraid.
How To: Create a sense of impending danger, but not expected
death for the characters.
It has to be real danger…not
imagined.
Set up tension/fear/shock,RELIEF:
Definition: A feeling of reassurance and relaxation following
release from anxiety or distress.
How To: Set up tension/fear/shock, then remove the threat,
returning us to a state of “normal.” It’s over, for now.1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use anxiety, fear, and relief.
Anxiety Bladen disguises himself as Hank Smith and goes to Bank CEO Convention. He wonders what Ansaca would do if he figured it he was not really Hank Smith.
Fear He gets to convention and Ansaca comes over to him.
Relief when Ansaca doesn’t figure it it was Bladen disguised as Hank Smith.
Draft Scene:
Henry, his makeup man, checked his last bit of makeup on Bladen. He checked him against the picture of Hank.
Henry: “I did a good job, boss. Ansaca will never guess.”
Bladen: Yes, you did a good job. If Ansaca guesses, you will need a new boss.
Willie: (driver) Have you got protection?
Bladen: I have my pet daggers. I promised my grandmother, I would be nice and only fight if they fight first.
Willie: Are you sure you won’t need more than a dagger?
Henry: You did bullet-proof him, didn’t you, Willie?
No answer from Willie. He stays silent.
Bladen: I will be fine. He won’t shoot me in the convention hall. There would be too many witnesses.
Bladen enters the hotel. Reads the sign telling where the Banking CEO convention opening meeting is and walks up the stairs to the balcony.
As he enters the ballroom, Ansaca greets Bladen at the door. Hank, come and get a cup of coffee with me.
Bladen almost forgets he’s supposed to answer to the name, Hank.
Bladen: I’ll be there in a minute.
Ansaca watches Bladen walk over.
Ansaca: You feeling okay. You’re looking a little shaky.
Bladen: I didn’t get much sleep last night. My youngest kid had nightmares.
Ansaca: How’s Project Sing going with the old timers?.
Bladen: A little rocky…some suspect foul play.
Ansaca: You know what to do with them.
Bladen: What’s that?
Ansaca: Bring out the forged papers saying they invested twice as much and they owe you the money or else they go to jail.
Bladen: Aren’t you afraid of people finding out that you are responsible for this.
Ansaca: No, you’re the fall guy for me. They will put you in jail, not me. My name isn’t on any documents. Yours is, Hank.
Bladen searched his mind for the papers he looked at. Ansaca was right. His name wasn’t on the documents. However, he was taping this conversation. So Bladen had proof of Ansaca’s guilt. But he needed more proof.
Bladen: Right. And you pay me $25,000 bonus
Ansaca: Not unless all 15 deals are set in stone.
Bladen: These deals are set in stone. You can bank on that. There are papers with your name where you explained our agreement. Where are they?
Ansaca: They are in my personal vault.
Bladen: Are you sure they are safe there? Aren’t you afraid someone will break into your bank and steal your assets and personal papers?
Ansaca: No one can break into my bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without me and my Security team knowing about it. I have the highest security system in the world here. It cannot be breached.
Someone stepped to the microphone on stage;
Leader of this session: Everyone please take your seats. We’d like to begin in 5 minutes.
Ansaca: I’ve got to go onstage to present one of the speakers. See you, Hank.
Bladen’s eyes and whole body lit up. He had to remember that he was Hank at this moment. The arrogance of this man. He had just wagered an internal bet. Human nature: when someone says it can’t be done. I want to prove them wrong. For the first time in a long time, he thought he might be a step closer to defeating Ansaca at his own game. All he had to do was figure out the security system and how to get inside the bank. He could do that. Peace of cake. Feeling calm. He sat in the back row of chairs so he could make a quick get-a-way after this presentation.
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Subject line: Joan’s Favorite Twists! What I learned doing this assignment is that looking for twists gives different layers and meanings to characters and events.
Go through your outline and rethink it as a series of twists. Add in any twists that you feel will improve it.
Bladen’s Revenge
Plan succeeds for Bladen’s parents to get mortgage for house.
Plan fails because it’s two different mortgages which they cannot pay.
It Just Got Worse Bank foreclosed on Bladen’s parents home.
Bladen’s fight with bullies. FIGHT LOST FIRST; It Just Got better. MAN TAUGHT HIM TAE KWON DO
INCITING INCIDENT
Plan succeeds for Bladen’s grandmother to invest her retirement money.
Plan fails because the stocks are fake and she loses her money using Bulwark bank where Ansaca is CEO.
Bladen thought he’d forgiven, but this brought back memories of being homeless and he now wanted revenge.
Unexpected support – has meeting of three people he knows from their coming to restaurant whose names are in paper as losing money. One of them is the new police chief’s mother. Police Chief visits Bladen and gives him verbal support.
Deceived – Surprising Truth Bulwark bank official, Hank Smith who set up his Grandmother’s account. When Bladen leans on him by throwing a knife and just missing his chin and hitting the wall. He tells that Ansaca made up the deal and told them they had to sell it or be canned. Their children needed food. Bladen told him he’d better give him more facts or his children were going to be fatherless. So he told Bladen about the banking convention. And gave Bladen his credentials for getting in. Surprising Information to help.
Bladen disguises as Hank Smith who is unable to go to Convention of Banking CEOs because Bladen threatened to make his children orphans.
Deceived – Surprising Truth SCENE VILLAIN 4 Ansaca asks Hank how the deals are going to cheat the elderly out of their money. Hank says it’s going really well. Except for one. You know what to do if they renege on the deal, bring out the fake papers that show they invested double the amount.
Ansaca brags at the Convention of Banking CEOs to Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
SCENE VILLAIN 5 Ansaca states he will kill anyone who passes his security points.
Deceived – Surprising Truth
SCENE HERO MISSION 3 Bladen heard from Chase Newhouse, his old neighbor that he had condemning evidence from foreclosed homes that would put Ansaca in jail. He sends the same information to Ansaca. The party is trying to get the most money from either Bladen or Ansaca. Then decides he’ll let them both know and let them race to see who gets there first.
Trap/Trick – ESCAPE
SCENE ACTION 4 Chase to get to Craig Newhouse first, would get the information. He didn’t know that Ansaca also knew about Craig. Turns out that Ansaca’s men got there first and beat Craig up and took the papers he had. When Bladen got there, Craig said in his dying breath, “What you seek is gone.”
Bladen decided to hide out to see if anyone else came looking for the papers.
Actually, his car ran out of gas. He sent one of his guys to look. They came back and told him about the note.
Ansaca said, Huh. I think Bladen has it. “If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.” One of his buddies said, he might not have the information with him. Ansaca says no one has the incriminating evidence except for me. Not to worry.
SCENE VILLAIN 6 Ansaca said no one could get to him. He had people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
SCENE VILLAIN 7Ansaca finds out that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would he be able to do it. His team can’t find anything about Bladen at first
SCENE VILLAIN 8 Then he discovers that he has a restaurant. He sends guys to check out the restaurant. They come back saying it’s legitimate and that Ansaca should eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen. Bladen in disguise serves them food. Bladen chops things in fine little pieces.
SCENE HERO MISSION 4 Bladen as adult works with Security Systems. Bladen investigates the security company that set up the security. He’d seen their trucks at the bank a few weeks before. Knew what kind of set up they were famous for.
SCENE ACTION Broke in to security company’s computer and stole secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.
SCENE HERO MISSION 5 Bladen goes to bank to look around. One of the
guards spots Bladen and he has to depart quickly.
SCENE ACTION 9 They chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area where the safety deposit boxes are stored. Bladen excapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes what he has to do next time…sees the kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.
SCENE VILLAIN 9 Escalation: Ansaca calls Bladen on the phone and asks him what’s up with his scouting expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandparents’ home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.
SCENE HERO MISSION 6 Breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He discovers papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures.
SCENE ACTION Bladen finds out the vaults are empty. They don’t have anything in them. He figures they must be at Ansaca’s home.
Identity or Plan Exposed =Identity Hidden
SCENE HERO MISSION 7 Mid-Point Bladen calls on his 7 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places.
Plan Succeeds Plan Fails Plan Succeeds SCENE ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 –
Identity or Plan Exposed =Identity
HiddenSCENE VILLAIN 10 Ansaca hides out in his home thinking Bladen is only interested in the money in the vaults at the bank. Sends his highest skilled men to watch out for Bladen.TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER AND Bladen leaves beer bottles with whiskey in them so they are so loaded they can’t walk.
CRISIS
POSITIVE TO A NEGATIVE TWIST SCENE VILLAIN 11 Ansaca kidnaps who he believes is Bladen. And relaxes at the beach thinking everything is okay. It was a fake Bladen that he kidnapped.
SAFETY TO DANGER SCENE HERO MISSION 8 Ansaca goes to bank alone. He puts documents he needs from vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit. And real Bladen gets inside vaults. Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape.
CLIMAX
PLAN FAILS -PLAN SUCCEEDS SCENE HERO MISSION 9 Ansaca and Bladen meet face to face at the beach. Ansaca has a briefcase with him. Bladen gets the briefcase. His seven guys surround Ansaca and arrest him. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland. Ansaca has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free except the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who can’t afford to pay them back. Plus in the briefcase files they find proof that he killed yada yada yada and his family.
New Threat – Unexpected Support SCENE ACTION 8 Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. His seven guys hold him for the police to come to arrest Ansaca for murdering and a family and cheating people out of money on mortgages and fraudulently scamming his grandmother’s savings and others.
Plan Succeeds Plan Fails Plan Succeeds
SCENE HERO MISSION 10 Ansaca is arrested; goes to Federal Penitentiary in Solitary Confinement while trial goes on. Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement; Trial ends 3 years later. In prison for the rest of his life; no parole allowed.
Plan Succeeds SCENE HERO MISSION 11 Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.
Five Favorite twists:
NEW THREAT – UNEXPECTED SUPPORT
PLAN FAILS -PLAN SUCCEEDS
SAFETY TO DANGER POSITIVE
TWIST TO NEGATIVE TWIST
IDENTITY OR PLAN EXPOSED – IDENTITY HIDDEN or Plan Hidden
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned doing this assignment is that I already had good reasons for people to like or respect Bladen. I needed to add more to insure the likability/empathy/justification for my hero.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
· A. Other people like or respect the character – Man taught him Tae Kwon Do, People come to his restaurant to eat.
· B. The character shows love for something – Family is really important to him. He takes care of his parents and grandparents, his nieces and nephews. Bladen loves his grandmother and will protect her.
· C. They’re trying to do something good – Bladen wants to dismantle Ansaca to protect senior citizens from having their fortunes taken away.
· D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else.Bladen gets his grandmother’s money back and also the money for the homes and finances that his parents and others were cheated out of.
· E. Funny, humorous, witty.
· F. Kindness – gives shelter to homeless.
· G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side. He protects those who have been abused by others
EMPATHY / DISTRESS
· H. Undeserved misfortune – When parents home was foreclosed, Bladen as a child was homeless and lived in a car.
I. External Character conflicts.
J.Plot intruding on life. He’d building a respectable life and reputation. No tickets. No fights. Installed security systems. Opened own restaurant.
K. Moral Dilemmas
L. Forced decisions they’d never make. When grandmother’s savings are threatened, he loses it. Rampages because he didn’t know Ansaca was at the Bulwark bank.
M. Wound attacked – This brought back memories of his parents being cheated because of two mortgages for the house and foreclosed on.
JUSTIFICATION
N. The character and his family abused. When parents home was foreclosed, Bladen s a child was homeless and lived in a car.
O. Threatened by others – Grandmother’s life savings are threatened by bad investments by bank agent ordered by Ansaca. When he knew the stocks were failing.
P. The Hero is the victim of attacks. After Ansaca finds out that Bladen got inside his bank, then he is attacked by Ansaca’s men.
Q. They’ve suffered major losses. When parents home was foreclosed, Bladen as a child was homeless and lived in a car.
R. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed – Came to Bladen’s restaurant after hours. Bladen gets them out.
2. Organize them into a sequence that happens in the first Act of your script and tell us the story in a concise form (like I did for John Wick and Salt above).
3. Decide which ideas you’d like to keep and add them to your structure/plot/outline
Bladen’s Revenge
Bladen suffered undeserved misfortune when they
foreclosed on his parents’ home because of Ansaca’s mishandling the sales
of mortgages,· Bladen and his family suffered major losses. Bladen and his family were homeless and lived in a car for 4 years. Bladen was abused by children making fun of him.
· Neighbor from old neighborhood says he has evidence that would put Ansaca in jail for what he did to him, Bladen’s parents, and others.
Bladen and his family earned respect for themselves.
Korean man taught Bladen to defend himself against bully kids using Tae
Kwon Do. They all worked at restaurant. Bought it after 10 years. Parents
turned it over to Bladen.
Bladen shows care for homeless by feeding them once a
day at his restaurant if they will wash dishes. He helps refurbish hotel
to house the homeless. He doesn’t want anyone to live in their cars.
Bladen cares very much for his grandmother. He interrogates
her to find out what kind of papers she signed. The deal that was
fraudulent. Looked in paper. Many
others were also cheated out of life savings. No one caught as being
responsible. All of them have bank accounts with Bulwark Bank.
When Ansaca’s Bullwark Bank sold his grandmother fake
stocks and bonds, it opened the old wounds and he went into protective
mode and rage. He went to bank and threatened agent’s life. Not at all
like him.
Bladen is so wounded and cares so much for his
grandmother that he goes into a rage and does things he usually wouldn’t
do. He also wants to protect other senior citizens who may have lost their
life savings through this fraudulent action. He goes to bank and talks
with bank official, named Hank Smith who set up his Grandmother’s account.
When Bladen leans on him by throwing a knife and barely misses his chin
and hits the wall. Hank tells that Ansaca made up the deal and told them
they had to sell it or be canned. Hank says, “My children need food.”
Bladen told Hank, “You’d better give me more facts or your children will
be fatherless.” So Hank told Bladen about the banking convention. And gave
Bladen his credentials for getting in.Bladen disguises as Hank Smith and gets to Convention of Banking CEOs. When Ansaca brags that, it stirred up feelings Bladen never knew he had. His competition mode, his humanity mode to do something other people say is IMPOSSIBLE regardless of any danger to himself.
Bladen hears from his old neighbor, Craig Newhouse that he has condemning evidence from foreclosed homes that would put Ansaca in jail. Ansaca learns the same information. Craig tells both Ansaca and Bladen about his having the info trying to get the most money from the deal to see them race to get it first.
Chase drives fast to get to Craig Newhouse first. “Turns out that someone else learned about it and wrapped Craig up and there was a note there when Bladen got there that said. “What you seek is gone.” With a funny signature. Bladen decided to hide out to see what happened when Ansaca came.
Ansaca thinks Bladen has the information. Evidently he had someone watching and he never showed up. Actually, his car ran out of gas. He sent one of his guys to look. His men came back and told him about the note. Ansaca asked, “Where is the information?” They thought Bladen has it. “If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.” One of his buddies said, he might not have the information with him. Ansaca says no one has the incriminating evidence except for me. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested.
Not to worry.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Story Map
What I learned doing this assignment is that by putting the different tracks in the story map, you insure you have the mission, the villains attacks, and the action demanded by the mission and the villain’s attacks.
Action
Competition
Capture
Escape
Interrogation
Chase/Pursuit
Dangerous Situations
FightBladen’s Revenge
VILLAIN 1 Ansaca Kennelworth’s lawyers draw up First and Second Mortgages and have people sign them-not realizing it was two different mortgages with two different payments each month.
VILLAIN 2 Ansaca there when in 1980 scene of Bladen and his parents being kicked out of home and 40 other homes in same neighborhood were foreclosed on. It’s now a Ghost town of empty homes with foreclosure signs up front.
ACTION 1 FIGHT LOST FIRST; MAN TAUGHT HIM TAE KWON DO
living in car, children making fun of Bladen Scene of students making fun of Bladen for sleeping in car. He learned to defend himself. Man in neighborhood taught him Tae Kwon Do
ACTION 2 ANOTHER FIGHT, THIS TIME HE BEAT UP 3 BOYS WHO ATTACKED HIM
VILLAIN 3 Inciting Incident Ansaca scams Bladen’s Grandmother retirement money in an investment from the Bulwark Bank where Ansaca is CEO now.
ACTION 3 Bladen interrogates his mother to find out the deal that was fraudulent. Looked in paper. Many others cheated out of life savings. No one caught as being responsible. All of them have bank accounts with Bulwark Bank.Bladen goes to bank and talks with bank official,l Hank Smith who set up his Grandmother’s account. When Bladen leans on him by throwing a knife and just missing his chin and hitting the wall. He tells that Ansaca made up the deal and told them they had to sell it or be canned. Their children needed food. Bladen told him he’d better give him more facts or his children were going to be fatherless. So he told Bladen about the banking convention. And gave Bladen his credentials for getting in.
MISSION 2 Bladen disguises as Hank Smith who is unable to go to Convention of Banking CEOs because Bladen threatened to make his children orphans.
VILLAIN 4 Ansaca brags at the Convention of Banking CEOs to Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
VILLAIN 5 Ansaca states he will kill anyone who passes his security points.
MISSION 3 Bladen heard from his old neighbor that he had condemning evidence from foreclosed homes that would put Ansaca in jail. Ansaca learns the same information. The party is trying to get the most money from either Bladen or Ansaca. Then decides he’ll let them both know and let them race to see who gets there first.
ACTION 4 Chase to get to Craig Newhouse first, would get the information. Turns out that someone else learned about it and wrapped Craig up and there was a note there when Bladen got there that said. What you seek is gone. With funny signature. Bladen dec ided to hide out to see what happened when Ansaca came. Evidently he had someone watching and he never showed up. Actually, his car ran out of gas. He sent one of his guys to look. They came back and told him about the note. Ansaca said, Huh. I think Bladen has it. “If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.” One of his buddies said, he might not have the information with him. Ansaca says no one has the incriminating evidence except for me. Not to worry.
VILLAIN 6 Ansaca said no one could get to him. He had people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
VILLAIN 7Ansaca finds out that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would he be able to do it. His team can’t find anything about Bladen at first
VILLAIN 8 Then he discovers that he has a restaurant. He sends guys to check out the restaurant. They come back saying it’s legitimate and that Ansaca should eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen. Bladen in disguise serves them food. Bladen chops things in fine little pieces.
MISSION 4 Bladen as adult works with Security Systems. Bladen investigates the security company that set up the security. He’d seen their trucks at the bank a few weeks before. Knew what kind of set up they were famous for.
ACTION Broke in to security company’s computer and stole secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.
MISSION 5 Bladen goes to bank to look around. One of the guards spots Bladen and he has to depart quickly.
ACTION 9 They chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area where the safety deposit boxes are stored. Bladen excapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes what he has to do next time…sees the kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.
VILLAIN 9 Escalation: Ansaca calls Bladen on the phone and asks him what’s up with his scouting expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandparents’ home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.
MISSION 6 Breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He discovers papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures.
ACTION Bladen finds out the vaults are empty. They don’t have anything in them. He figures they must be at Ansaca’s home.
MISSION 7 Mid-Point Bladen calls on his 7 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places.
ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 –
VILLAIN 10 Ansaca hides out in his home thinking Bladen is only interested in the money in the vaults at the bank. Sends his highest skilled men to watch out for Bladen.TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER AND Bladen leaves beer bottles with whiskey in them so they are so loaded they can’t walk.
Crisis
VILLAIN 11 Ansaca kidnaps who he believes is Bladen. And relaxes at the beach thinking everything is okay. It was a fake Bladen that he kidnapped.
MISSION 8 Ansaca goes to bank alone. He puts documents he needs from vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit. And real Bladen gets inside vaults. Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape.
Climax
MISSION 9 Ansaca and Bladen meet face to face at the beach. Ansaca has a briefcase with him. Bladen gets the briefcase. His seven guys surround Ansaca and arrest him. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland. Ansaca has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free except the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who can’t afford to pay them back. Plus in the briefcase files they find proof that he killed yada yada yada and his family.
ACTION 8 Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. His seven guys hold him for the police to come to arrest Ansaca for murdering and a family and cheating people out of money on mortgages and fraudulently scamming his grandmother’s savings and others..
MISSION 10 Ansaca is arrested; goes to Federal Penitentiary in Solitary Confinement while trial goes on. Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement; Trial ends 3 years later. In prison for the rest of his life; no parole allowed.
MISSION 11 Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Action Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is it helps to
combine all three tracks in one word document so you can see how it adds up and
what you are missing,Create the 3-Act structure for your story.
1. Look through your three tracks (Mission, Villain, and Action) and find the points that could work for this structure. Put one or two sentences for each step.
2. Fill in any missing points and tell us the current version of your structure with a sentence or two for each point
Combination of Hero, Villain, and Mission Track in the 3-Act Structure Track
1. Opening Slides of foreclosure oh his family home and 40 others in the neighborhood, Purpose of Scene: Get empathy for Bladen and his family Back scene of Bladen and his parents being kicked out of home and foreclosed on.
2. living in car, children making fun of Bladen Purpose show skills of Bladen Years of homelessness. Scene of students making fun of Bladen for sleeping in car. He learned to defend himself. Man in neighborhood taught him Tae Kwon Do
3. Inciting Incident His grandmother lost money in an investment scam from the Bulwark Bank where Ansaca is CEO now. Plus Ansaca bragged that Ansaca Kennelworth brags at a Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it. Purpose Inciting Incident Bladen disguises as man who is unable to go to Banker’s Convention. Bladen overhears Ansaca’s boast about his bank and residence being safe from anyone and he would kill anyone who passed the security points. That he had heard that someone from the neighborhood he shut down had information to put him in jail. He said they will never get him. He had people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighorhood could get him arrested.
4. First Turning Point at end of Act 1
Ansaca finds out
that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He
asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would
he be able to do it. His team can’t find anything about Bladen at first
but he discovers that he has a restaurant. He sends guys to check out the
restaurant. They come back saying it’s legitimate and that Ansaca should
eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen. Purpose to show more skills with knives and darts Scene
at restaurant chopping things in fine little pieces. Bladen as adult works
with Security Systems.5. Bladen goes to security company that does Bulwark bank to find out what kind of security Ansaca’s bank and home has. Goes there. Purpose Show skills of Bladen outdoing skills of Ansaca. Bladen investigates the security company that set up the security. He’d seen them a few weeks before. Knew what kind of set up they were known for. Broke in and stole secrets to locks on Ansaca’s place.
6. Bladen goes to bank just to look around. One of the guards spots Bladen and he has to depart quickly. Escalation: Ansaca calls Bladen on the phone and asks him what’s up with his scouting expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandparents’ home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.Purpose to build excitement and wonder if Bladen can actually get in there and steal the documents in the bank and in Ansaca’s home. Breaking and Entering – bank in disguise want to see safety box in vault – while in there gets bank papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages
7. Mid-Point Bladen calls on his playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places. Purpose to show strength in numbers and skills of Bladen.
8. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 – Ansaca hides out in his home thinking Bladen is only interested in the money in the vaults at the bank. Purpose to Show strength of Ansaca’s men but his own personal cowardice in that he sends others to do his work. Ansaca sends people with higher degrees of skills to try to stop Bladen, but fails.
9. Crisis Ansaca kidnaps who he believes is Bladen. And relaxes at the beach thinking everything is okay. It was a fake Bladen that he kidnapped. Ansaca goes to bank alone. He puts documents he needs from vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit. And real Bladen gets inside vaults. He makes mummies out of the guards. Purpose to show cleverness of Bladen. Bladen mummifies all of Ansaca’s men at one place. Purpose to Show Bladen’s strength and skill. Bladen pins them to the wall with his knives and daggers in another place with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape mummifies them.
10. Climax They transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland. Ansaca has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free except the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who can’t afford to pay them back. Plus in the files they find proof that he killed yada yada yada and his family. Purpose: to further prove Bladen’s skills and proof of Ansaca’s evilness.
11. Resolution Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. The police arrive in time to arrest Ansaca for murdering and a family and cheating people out of money on mortgages.
Ansaca is arrested; goes to Federal Penitentiary in Solitary Confinement while trial goes on. Purpose to show how Bladen uses all his resources to congregate at the right place and time to arrest Ansaca with all the documents he needs. Finds word that Ansaca killed someone and is put in Federal prison in the top gated place with no getting out ever.
12. Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement; Trial ends 3 years later. In prison for the rest of his life; no parole allowed.
13. Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures. Purpose: to show how really evil Ansaca was and how truth and goodness sometimes prevails.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Action Track
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s good to be able to keep the hero’s actions and the villains actions in your head to play on; then on the other hand, it’s good to be open at the time you’re writing these ideas to keep open for new ideas that are really good to pop into your mind and get on paper.
1. Answer the Action Questions:
A. Considering the concept from
Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?
Breaking and entering
Hogtying someone Hogtying someone
involves tying their hands and feet behind their back, then binding their
wrist and ankle cuffs together
Competition
Escape
InterrogationB. Considering Bladen’s mission is to con Ansaca to get even with him
from when Anasaca conned his parents out of their house and savings in a
little bank in Bleakville, Oklahoma.and Villain mission is to keep Bladen and others from
breaking into his bankd but mostly not to get papers and cash money and
other assets hidden at his home. He puts a price on Bladen’s head and
orders him killed if he is caught inside the bank.
Tracks, what action could work
for this track?
Competition
Capture
Escape
Interrogation
Chase/Pursuit
Dangerous Situations
FightC. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?
1. Purpose of Scene: Get empathy for Bladen and his family Back scene of Bladen and his parents being kicked out of home and foreclosed on.
2. Purpose show skills of Bladen Years of homelessness. Scene of students making fun of Bladen for sleeping in car. He learned to defend himself. Man in neighborhood taught him Tae Kwon Do
3. Purpose to show more skills with knives and darts Scene at restaurant chopping things in fine little pieces. Bladen as adult works with Security Systems.
4. Purpose Inciting Incident Bladen disguises as man who is unable to go to Banker’s Convention. Bladen overhears Ansaca’s boast about his bank and residence being safe from anyone and he would kill anyone who passed the security points. That he had heard that someone from the neighborhood he shut down had information to put him in jail. He said they will never get him. He had people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighorhood could get him arrested.
5. Purpose Show skills of Bladen outdoing skills of Ansaca. Bladen investigates the security company that set up the security. He’d seen them a few weeks before. Knew what kind of set up they were known for. Broke in and stole secrets to locks on Ansaca’s place..
6. Purpose to build excitement and wonder if Bladen can actually get in there and steal the documents in the bank and in Ansaca’s home. Breaking and Entering – bank in disguise want to see safety box in vault – while in there gets bank papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages
7. Purpose to Show strength of Ansaca’s men but his own personal cowardice in that he sends others to do his work. Ansaca sends people with higher degrees of skills to try to stop Bladen, but fails.
8. Purpose to show cleverness of Bladen. Bladen mummifies all of Ansaca’s men at one place.
9. Purpose to show clever disguise of Bladen. CAPTURE: Ansaca kidnaps who he believes is Bladen. And relaxes at the beach thinking everything is okay. It was a fake Bladen that he kidnapped. And real Bladen gets inside vaults. He makes mummies out of the guards.
10. Purpose to Show Bladen’s strength and skill. Bladen pins them to the wall with his knives and daggers in another place with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape
11. Purpose to show how Bladen uses all his resources to congregate at the right placer and time to arrest Ansaca with all the documents he needs. Finds word that Ansaca killed someone and is put in Federal prison in the top gated place with no getting out ever.
.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Villain Track
What I learned doing this assignment is it gets complicated figuring out the different tracks without mentioning the other characters.
Planned ahead of time:
MISTAKE: Ansaca Kennelworth built a fortress with his bank. He stores his plans and secrets to it in his home. He brags at a
Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his bank and steal
any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank
without him and his team knowing it.
Fear: Ansaca
is fearful of death by fire because his parents were killed in a fire in
their home. He watched them die and couldn’t save them.1. DILEMMA: Ansaca finds out that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would he be able to do it.
2. INVESTIGATION His team can’t find anything about Bladen at first but he discovers that he has a restaurant. He sends guys to check out the restaurant. They come back saying it’s legitimate and that Ansaca should eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen.
3. ANSACA is spotted on Security Cameras inside his bank.
4. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.
5. PLAN/HIDING OUT: Ansaca hides out in his home thinking Bladen is only interested in the money in the vaults at the bank.
6. CAPTURE: Ansaca kidnaps who he believes is Bladen. And relaxes at the beach thinking everything is okay. It was a fake Bladen that he kidnapped. And real Bladen gets inside vaults. He makes mummies out of the guards.
7. RETALIATION: In retaliation, Ansaca goes to restaurant and threatens the manager on duty with a message for Bladen that if he’s caught inside the vault he will be killed. Ansaca goes to bank vault and discovers his men mummified.
8. ESCAPE: He is alone. He puts the documents he needs from vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.
9. FITTING ENDING: Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. The police arrive in time to arrest Ansaca for murdering and cheating people out of money on mortgages.
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Hero’s Mission Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more you write down or think aloud what the hero or other characters could do, the more ideas you get.
A.
What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face
of the overwhelming odds? Bladen will want to see Ansaca’s face when he
has to resign as CEO of the Bulwark Bank and ultimately spend many years
in prison.
B.
What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? To not only
penetrate the security at the bank but also to transfer all funds in Ansaca’s
personal accounts to a bank in Switzerland.
C.
What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?
The
strong internal motivation is to get even for all the years people made
fun of him and his family for living in a car. The external motivation is
that Ansaca boasted that no one could defeat him. His bank and his home
were impenetratable. No one could enter unless they has passed the
security.
D.
Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally
happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain? Ansaca has
guards that have guns to shoot. However, they are not good as Bladen. He
can disarm them with Tae Kwon Do. Bladen can wrap them up like mummies without
them realizing what has happened. Ansaca finds no trace of Bladen. Only
his mummified guards.2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission:
Motivation:
His parents were homeless after Ansaca cheated them out of their home by
selling them a house more than they could afford. Cheated people by
processing two loans for them; First mortgage and second mortgage at the
same time. Knowing they didn’t have the money to pay for both loans and
knowing the bank would foreclose on them…They would be homeless.Inciting Incident: Then his grandmother lost money in an investment scam from the bank Ansaca is CEO of now. Plus Ansaca bragged that Ansaca Kennelworth brags at a Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
First
Action: Investigate to find out what kind of security Ansaca’s bank and home
has.
Obstacle:
One of the guards spots him and Bladen has to depart quickly.
Escalation:
Ansaca calls Bladen on the phone and asks him what’s up with his scouting
expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandparents’ home is in
jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating.
Overwhelming
Odds: Bladen needs more help.
New
Plan: Bladen calls on his playground buddies who are now in high places in
CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood.
Full
out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their
places.
Success:
They transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland.
Ansaca has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free except the CIA/FBI
arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and loans for people who can’t
afford to pay them back. -
Joan Edwards’ Conventions
“What I learned doing this assignment is that brainstorming helps improve ideas.”
Concept: Ansaca Jones brags at a Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
Conventions
Hero: Bladen Stephenson, great
chef, kung fu expert with blades of all kinds and shapes, Is expert in
disguises. Reformed Con Artist
Demand For Action: Braggarts
shouldn’t broadcast themselves on National TV. Someone will go out to
prove them wrong.
Mission: Ansaca Jones
brags at a Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his
bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds
out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
Bladen’s mission is to con
Ansaca to get even with him from when Anasaca conned his parents out of
their house and savings in a little bank in Bleakville, Oklahoma.
Antagonist: Ansaca Jones, CEO
of Bulwark Financial Holdings,
Escalating ActionFigure out the security in Bulwark Financial Cushion, Inc.
Transfer money to untraceable account in Bank in Switzerland.
Ansaca sends people with higher degrees of skills to try to stop Bladen, but fails.
0
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Joan Edwards’ Hero and Villain
“What I learned doing this assignment is that the more information you give about the characters helps them come alive in your mind”.
Concept:
Hero Morally Right: To get even
and maybe find proof of fraud villain played on his parents and other
unknowing victims
Villain Morally Wrong: Cheated people
by processing two loans for them; First mortgage and second mortgage at
the same time. Knowing they didn’t have the money to pay for both loans
and knowing the bank would foreclose on them…They would be homeless.:
Hero
A. Unique Skill Set skilled Hero:
Bladen Stephenson, great chef, kung fu expert with blades of all kinds and
shapes, Is expert in disguises. Reformed Con Artist that could break into
computers and change the programs to his advantage.B. Motivation – Get Even
C. Secret or Wound He lived on
the streets homeless for 7 years while his father and mother worked in
restaurant to get enough money to live in a home again. In the back of the
restaurant, he practiced throwing knives instead of darts at a board.Villain
A. Unbeatable Ansaca Kennelworth’s
bank has stopped 15 heists this year. People have also been unsuccessful
at breaking into his home 15 times.
B. Plan/Goal Is to stop Ansaca
from breaking into his bank and getting the secret documents where he
jilted people out of their homes by charging them 3 times the normal
interest rate.
C. What they lose if Hero
survives – Ansaca loses his bragging rights to having a fortress bank and
home that cannot be broken into.Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action
Ansaca Kennelworth brags at a Convention of Banking CEOs that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their
Best – using all of his computer skills and being able to get the
information that would give his parents and others their money backC. Destroy the Villain’s
reputation so that he will not be able to get a job in the banking world
again.Escalated
Concept:
Villain Morally
Wrong: Where he charged 3 times as
much interest as the government allowed at that time. Ansaca didn’t care
what people lost. It helped him get a step up the ladder because he sold
200 mortgages in 3 months.:
Hero
A. Unique Skill Set Bladen passes security to get into
banker’s convention disguised as man who was in hospital.B. Motivation Get money for others who were cheated out
of their homes and money. A Korean man who was a Martial Arts Expert
taught Bladen how to do Karate and he mastered “100
days of bare hand, 1,000 days of spear, 10,000 days of sword. Mastering
the sword is the highest achievement in martial arts.Villain
A. Unbeatable Ansaca Kennelworth’s
Each time Ansaca
knew who was breaking in and how they were going to do it.
B. Plan/Goal Is to stop Bladen
from breaking into his bank to get even for his wrongding of processing a first mortgage and second
mortgage at the same time for Bladen’s parents and 199 other people..
C. What they lose
if Hero survives Anseco will resignhis
job as CEO of Bulwark.Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action
Ansaca KennelworthSays he would resign as CEO if anyone can break into either place.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their
Best Ansaca’s men have been trained not to use guns…to use only
knives or daggers.C. Destroy the Villain’s reputation so that he will not be able to get a job in the banking world again. Perhaps transfer all his personal funds to an account that would be shared by the 200 families Ansaca cheated.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Joan Edwards. Reason: uploaded wrong lesson here first
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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1. Joan Edwards
2. I have written 2 scripts.
3. I hope to learn how to put great action into a new script and perhaps improve the action scenes in scripts I have written already.
4. I worked in the Pentagon as a typist/steno. I also taught elementary school for 35 years.
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Dear Janeen,
You are welcome. I’m glad Ivy is alive! Hurray!
Thanks for explaining that they don’t know until later.
Good luck. You’re doing great.
Joan Edwards
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Dear Janeen,
Thanks for reading my Day 5.
Thank you for catching the Silverton/Silverman dispute. The name is supposed to be Silverton. However, I have friends with the name of Silverman and thus it got put in erroneously!
I’m glad you believe I cleared everything up and had a happy ending.
Good luck with your script. I’ll read other assignments to see the changes you make.
Sincerely,
Joan Edwards
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Dear Janeen,
I like the character traits you chose for your five major characters. They feed off each other in conflict and in ways to get along. Superb.
I got confused about Ivy…Is she alive or is she dead?
I would appreciate it if you would read my character story beats about The Perfect Couple and tell me what you think.
Sincerely,
Joan Edwards
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Dear Robert,
I like how you added hints that Ken likes Gwen and has a surprise at the end where it is Gwen with Ken.
The character traits you chose for these five characters are well-chosen and help make your screenplay interconnected.
You are doing great!
…Joan Edwards
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Dear Angie,
I would like to be your partner and give you my opinions on your script, if you like. I would also love it if you would give me feedback on my script, “The Perfect Couple.”
…Joan Edwards
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Dear Tarina,
You’re welcome for my comments about your screenplay.
Thank you very much for your valuable feedback on Bladen’s Revenge. You brought up good points and I will look into ways to address these when I revise it.
Good luck with your screenplay. I hope it gets produced for you!
Sincerely,
Joan
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Neil,
Interesting plot and characters. It will be intriguing to see how this plays out in the rest of your screenplay. Knowing the subtext helps understand the situation. In reading it, the name Sam signified a man, although it probably stood for Samantha. I admire your wri5ing and submitting and rewriting! I would appreciate it if you would give me your opinion of my beat sheet for “The Perfect Couple.” Joan Edwards
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Dear Katharine,
Wow! What an exciting story! Your beats tell your story well.
In beat 35, you say the vans take off. I don’t know whose vans they are nor where are they going nor who is in them.
I love how you add the hurricane to the mix of the stolen art work and the blowing up of the UN building! I like how you used PING PING and other sounds. You could use some for the wind.
I’d like to see more of what the Mayor’s doing in this.
I would appreciate your comments about my beats for “The Perfect Couple.”
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Dear Tarina,
You are very welcome. I hope updating your spelling/grammar software will clear up the descriptions in the correct tense. It’ll help readers understand it so much better. I hope your screenplay gets produced. Go, Tarina, go.
Sincerely,
Joan Edwards
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@Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)
You are very welcome for my feedback on your Cinnamon Story.
Thank you for your feedback for Bladen’s Revenge. I’m glad you think the descriptions were good. That makes me smile. I will continue to add things to make the descriptions compelling an the story intriguing with a feel-good ending.
Sincerely,
Joan Edwards
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Dear Mary Emmick,
Hi! Here’s how you can copy and paste your Word document to this thread.
While in your word document, click control and then the letter A. That will highlight everything in that document. Now hit Control and the letter C. It will copy it to the clipboard.
Now go to this forum site and hit reply to Cheryl’s post for whatever day you want to post it.
Then hit control (CTRL) and the letter V and it will paste it all into this forum.
If you have trouble, tell me and I will try to help you. I’d appreciate it if you would give me feedback my “The Perfect Couple. I am in need of a partner. Would you be my partner?
Sincerely,
Joan Edwards
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Dear Mary, I like your story concept and it is definitely a story for today. Politics, injustice, dating relationships that don’t work are good conflicts to work with.
It all sounds very logical. Good job. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask.
Would you please read mine and share your ideas? Would you like to partner up or do you already have a partner?
Sincerely, Joan Edwards
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Dear Tarina,
Your Screenplay has a great concept of a Killing software. I hope no one actually creates it. I would definitely be scary.
I like where Nina feels she has been betrayed by the people who were guarding her.
Why is she vomiting? Is she sick or is it because she is frightened? Is there romance in the air for the man who comforts her?
I like where Nina has not only Krueger but his building crumbled at the end.
Does the girl survive at the end and restart the killing or does she die?
Several world leaders and influencers are assassinated by people they know and trust. Chaos erupts all over the world in the matter of hours (as seen on news bulletins that report on the incidents above)
Seems like it was minutes rather than hours.
The following seemed humorous to me. Great.
INT. KRUEGER’S LAB – MORNING
This action however draws the focus of the program and another alarm start to sound in the lab. The four people file into the train with several other passengers. The operatives bang against the closed train doors as they are too late to enter.
Are you translating from a different language than English? The verbs showing tense are erroneous in many places.
Has where have should be.
See where sees should be.
Before you submit your script, I would get someone to edit it for you to make sure your verbs are the right ones. Or perhaps search for free or inexpensive software that will find these errors and correct them for you.
Great job! Keeps me fearing for Nina’s safety and the world, too.
Sincerely, Joan
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Dear Tarina,
I’ll read your Outline and give you feedback. Please read my second outline and give me your feedback.
Joan Edwards
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Thank you. That would be totally awesome. I’ll read yours and give you feedback.
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Dear Rebecca,
Thank you for reading my outline for Bladen’s Revenge. You provided me with excellent ideas to improve my pitch and to add more action to it. You are a jewel. Thank you. Do something fun for you!
…Joan Edwards
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Ramelle Wiggin’s work
Hot Girl
I enjoyed reading your outline, Ramelle. You have great characters here. I want to read more to find out more of the details of how all this works out. Throw away any ideas you don’t agree with. This is your script. You are its creator. I like to throw out ideas to ponder. I want to encourage you, not discourage you.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> I hope you will read my outline version 2 and let me know your ideas for improvement with it.
Blue Ribbon – Great Description here. Scene 5
Cinnamon is at the home of her mother, Chay, she asks her mom about her dad, but Chay is to hurt to talk about something of nature. Cinnamon is not aware her mother had been drowning her sorrows in alcohol and wasn’t drunk or tipsy but just numb to it all. Cinnamon accidentally picks up the sleep vitamin drink and takes a sip now when she asked her mom about her stepfather’s death in walks Rebecca.
Blue Ribbon – Great Description Scene 3
Cinnamon wants to ask her mom about the murders of her beaus, so she goes to pay her mom a visit. Mom has moved on with life and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Cinnamon wants to know if the rumors are true. She confronts mom, with her aunt walking in; also wanting to know why. Is Chay Johnson protecting her daughter or covering up her own misdeeds?
Scene 3 This sounds like a good thing to put in your pitch – logline.
Is Chay Johnson protecting her daughter or covering up her own misdeeds?
Is it her Dad’s death or her stepdad’s death that keeps haunting her? Or the deaths of her two fiancés deaths? I’m confused.
Scene 4 which is one thing she always dreaded.
You could start this with “One thing Shay always dreaded was having her sister visit or similar words. Then tell that she put vitamins to help her sleep in a drink.
Scene 5
You wrote: is to hurt
Probably should be: is too hurt
Scene 7
Did you mention a butler before now. You might want to consider introducing him before this scene.
Chay’s butler, Jared walks in and subdues them both.
Scene 9
Cool that Cinnamon gets nurse to place order for her. However, will Cinnamon be well and able to pick up the order on her own or will she be able to escape to pick up the order or will her prince deliver it to her.
Scene 11
Would she have enough evidence to prove her mother killed her stepfather?
Scene 13 Why does commissioner think that Cinnamon put the bomb in her own apartment? If she tells him about intruder, will he believe her.
How can his telling that she died be helpful.
Scene 15
Cinnamon says she wants to make amends. Why does she kill her stepfather? How?
It seems like it would be more fun for us to show her Mother that Rick was alive and that she be glad to get out of jail.
Describe to us what people are doing when they are fighting.
Women – pulling hair, throwing shoes, breaking cell phones,
We never find out who was in her apartment carrying a gun…
Who set off a bomb in her apartment?
The above is my humble opinion.
Joan Edwards
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Joan Edwards.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Rebecca’s Action Outline Version 2
I enjoyed reading your outline. Lots of brutal action going on here.
I noted spelling errors. I gave you 3 Blue Ribbon passages. These are what I consider the best of your writing here.
I would appreciate it if you would consider reading and posting your opinions of my outline.
…Never Give Up
Joan Edwards
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Russelton or Rusellton – spelled differently in some places.
Raman or Ragman – spelled differently in some places.
What is your pitch?
Oh my goodness! You certainly have brutal action in Scene 3 where Bucholz has them hurt him badly.
Blue Ribbon – Outstanding Writing – Some of the women fight back with mops, brooms, and cast iron skillets.
INT WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Left out t in they
Blue Ribbon – Outstanding Writing EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – AUCTION DAY
Buyers walk along the street perusing the items. The auctioneer begins the sale. Mr. Fred Broad, a businessman from New Kensington backed by the union, purchases all the items and returns them to the mine families.
EXT. RUSSELLTON REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – DAY
Clam should be calm.
Blue Ribbon Passage
EXT. RUSSELLTON, REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
. The spooked stallion rears up …dumps Bucholtz…flinging its hooves it tramples him. The machine gunner freezes as do the other coal and iron police. Bucholtz is dead.
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Dear Rebecca,
Would you be willing to swap feedback with me? I would like that very much.