[Joe Donato]

1- Joe Donato
2- Ive written 7 scripts. 5 of them were in screenwritingU classes over the past 4 years.
3 – I hope to use this class to rewrite 2 of my scripts which are RomComs, and also continue to develop several other RomCom outlines/treatments that I started writing with the help of chat gpt.
4 – Even though I reside in New York, I am currently living in Southern California just North of San Diego indefinitely as my wife and I assume the role of primary caregivers for her ailing parents. I have lots and lots of free time during this month and into August, so I plan to fill all that up with really fulfilling as many of my screenwriting goals that I've been fantasing about ever since childhood, qs I can.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

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Joe Donato
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
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I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
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6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s plans for increasing perceived value:

I learned the value of really developing a conscience for a producers job is and what their specific needs are. This will make me far more empathetic to them, and they will be able to read that from me, the very first time we interact.

Specialty is rom-com

Increasing my perceived value:

Today:

– Continue to connect with producers on linkedin daily. Been doing it for about a week now and already have 10 connections and about 50 pending.

– Work on fleshing out more treatments for romcoms. Already started 4 new treatments from loglines from past ScreenwritingU brainstorming assignments.

3 MONTHS:

– re-write my two romcom Scripts to get them contest-worthy, and have strong treatments for, lets say 10 more.

– Start exploring ways to make connections with the local Hudson Valley film commission with the intent of getting someone to read my 2 RomComs that can be set in the Hudson Valley.

6 MONTHS:

– Query producers on LinkedIn, and also enter 2 more contests with cred (like Nichols or Sundance, or Save the Cat or Scriptapalooza)

– Have made some sort of tangible progress with the Hudson Valley Film Commission organization.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Joe Donato.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato is a note-taking pro

I learned that if the reason is a noble one. (for example, what if Jennifer Connelly wants to play the lead but she wants it to be her that gets the injury because she’s currently has an injury like that anyways, and also, in order to pay her salary, we need to cut the budget in half, etc. In situations like that, I’m totally ready to change away.

LOGLINE: A talented and loving husband & performer, adored by fans, colleagues and especially wife, suddenly suffers an unexpected, mysterious and crippling injury. Over time it affects all areas of their relationship. We follow the emotional journey of the wife as she devotes herself to the task of reviving her Romeo.

CUT BUDGET IN HALF: Keep the hospital “tech” scenes to a minimum. Same with the performing scenes. Do one establishing shot of hospital/performance venue, etc. and then go inside to the room/theater space they’re in, focusing on the humans with lots of closeups.

WRITE FOR A DIFFERENT AUDIENCE: You could make this a newly-engaged couple, and instead of couple being in their 40s or early 50s, its 23 year old savants, which makes it even more tragic.

DOUBLE THE CONFLICT: What if he almost dies on the operating table. Also, being so young and naiive, the wife might have an affair; which is HIS worst fear since he has not been able to meet her needs on several levels. She’d do it in the 3rd act after he’s all healthy, but she could be tempted throghout the entire 2nd act since that’s when things are toughest for her.

CHANGE SEX AND AGE OF LEAD CHARACTER: if we flip it, and the wife is the famous one with the injury, and we follow the story through the husband’s perpsective as he takes on the daunting task of reviving her, then it becomes “Reviving Juliet” and the alliteration is lost. We need a new title now… “Justifying Juliet?” “Jeopardizing Juliet?’ “Rejuvinating Juliet”. Not quite the same ring. Maybe it can still have the same title, but it would have a different meaning. “Romeo Resurrected” because he does what he needs to do to bring his wife back, and thus is resurrecting his worth to her in the process. I supPose it could also be a gay or lesbian couple.

CHANGE THE GENRE: We can turn this into a Rom Com by making the injury way less debilitationg. Maybe he loses his hair, or his eyebrows accidentally get turned purple, for some unknown reason, and it totally kills his confidence in all areas of life. It’s his achilles heel; others more confident could live without it but he’s crushed…

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Rewrite of Fran’s Treatment:

I learned that it is Waaaaayy easier to slice and dice and consolidate somebody else’s story; one that you are not subjectively or emotionally attached to. But also, because I was not emotionally attached to it, it was very easy for me to spot redundancies and overly elaborate explanations or dialogue that would be appropriate for the actual script, but are not necessary for a two page treatment. I was also happy to discover that even though I sliced and dice a lot, I actually did not really change the plot in any way to the point where it lost any valuable scenes…

FALL OF THE HOUSE OF ZANDEGRAM

An aging, infirm man wallows in the death of his beloved sister–and his self-pity for all his woes. The casket remains in the old dilapidated living room of an old dilapidated castle of sorts. It’s a movie scene being filmed by the brother of the actor who plays the old infirm man. Eddie is dead serious about getting his film done, but his brother Freddie is a prankster and will do anything to disrupt or crack up his co-stars, which he does—to Eddie’s morbid disgruntlement. -???

THE ORDINARY WORLD of Raven

Raven, brilliant (she doesn’t think so) co-ed working for the college newspaper. Precocious, writer of the macabre, she’s sloughing off on her job again, working on another one of her stories in her beat up, old diary. Pierce, her newspaper editor, enters. Raven’s in love with him, but can’t let him know. No workplace romances. It’s in the rulebook. She slams her diary shut, hides it from Pierce. She doesn’t want him knowing she’s moonlighting on the job either.

Raven’s work isn’t up to snuff, he says. He needs a rewrite asap. Raven counters it’s fine. No, Pierce returns, it’s not. He threatens to relegate her to the classifieds and give Spectra a shot at writing the articles. NO, she says to herself. Spectra’s not a writer. But wanting to keep her job, she complies.

Spectra and her twin sister Storm overhear and revel in Raven’s bad luck. They are jealous of her and bully her every chance they can get. Spectra, who also wants to be Pierce’s girlfriend, has been wanting this shot for a very long time. (Pierce secretly has a crush on Raven, but Pierce doesn’t let anyone know that.) Spectra vows to win him over.

Raven, far from happy, looks to the pile of rejection slips on her desk, sighs. George, Raven’s nerdy friend who also works for the paper, overhears. He tries to console her as she spews sour grapes.

Raven’s so down on herself. Why did she ever think she could write for the campus paper? I’ll never be a newspaper reporter like Pierce or his dad. George tells her she’s a great writer. She just needs to have a little more faith in herself and her writing. Her articles really are good—despite what Pierce says. He encourages her to write some fiction, but she belittles her ability. Giving up on trying to cheer her up, he shares his good news. Pierce has given him a great assignment; chasing down the story about an alleged ghost who walks the campus and halls at night. It’s for the big Founders’ Day celebration coming up soon. There’ve been reports it’s been seen lately. Raven’s happy for George. But George’s never heard of the ghost and doesn’t know where to start researching. Raven sends him to the reference librarian.

As she exits in haste, Raven runs into a dashing looking gentleman. He scares her, at first and she accidentally drops her diary without realizing it. All this time, Spectra and Storm have been eavesdropping, observing—plotting, and they acquire the diary. Spectra begins reading it in search of more fodder for bullying Raven, until Spectra comes up with a better plan; Hide the diary somewhere Raven will NEVER find it.

The girls find George with the Librarian. They follow them down into the basement and archive room. Without being noticed, they slip the diary onto a shelf of old books. George goes to that very shelf, grabs the diary, thinking it’s one of the books he needs, opens it, begins reading. He’s thrilled by the stories within and can’t wait to show them to Pierce.

Raven soon discovers her diary’s missing. She can’t find it anywhere. Meanwhile, Spectra’s still working on getting Pierce’s attention. She overhears Pierce and George talking about the stories. Pierce is enthralled by the stories too. George suggests publishing them as a new column, a weekly serial like they used to do with books. Since they’re not published or copywritten and he’s not profiting off of it, he’s sure it’s legal. He wants George to help find the true author.

Pierce puts the diary in his safe, unaware that Spectra is watching the whole time.

MIDPOINT-TURNING POINT

Pierce follows up with Raven about rewriting her assignment (again hiding his feelings). She’s been writing another story but already finished the rewrite of the assignment and hands it over to him. He’s still not satisfied. He tells her he’s going to give Spectra her shot at writing the story, but in an attempt to be sympathetic, he says she can help George set up his new column this week instead of being sentenced to the classifieds. Raven is thrilled—NOT! She grudgingly complies because she wants to keep her job.

Raven suggests they go ghost hunting—They head for the library where they encounter the same man Raven met earlier sitting on a bench in the park, seeming quite out of place.

And then, next publishing day—one of her stories shows up in the school newspaper!!!

The story is recreated – You gotta give us at least a sentence about what the story is if it’s going to take up screen time and are relevant to the plot in some way. Raven is beside herself.

Back at the office, Raven hunts for her diary furiously. Pierce comes in all excited about new plans with the stories. He wants to throw a huge contest to find the true author and then have a party on Founder’s day when they find them. He also wants to publish them in a book! Storm just happens to overhear and runs to tell Spectra the news.

Raven is beside herself. Pierce? Getting credit for her stories? When he thinks she can’t write???? Oh, that’s SO not happening!!! She goes to him, tries to tell them, it’s her diary; her stories and she wants them back. They tell her to prove it, but she doesn’t know how, so they don’t believe her and instead start the contest.

Another story here. Everyone’s loving them. Now everyone wants to know who the author is. People are starting to think maybe George or Pierce are the writers,

Another published story. There are only so many stories in the diary and Pierce won’t be able to keep up with the demand for more. Just then, Spectra flies in, declaring she is the author of the stories. Pierce is skeptical. She tries her best to get the diary from them but Pierce doesn’t let her have it.

MIDPOINT-TURNING POINT

Raven and George struggle with developing George’s ghost story. She knows she needs more, but deflects. She suggests that maybe Pierce can publish what they do have, as another story from the diary. George pushes the issue and Raven finally confesses that she’s the writer! It’s her diary! not Spectra’s. George is not surprised. He suggests finishing writing the ghost story—in her own fashion, in hopes that that will convince Pierce she is the true author. He doesn’t mind giving her full authorship of the story. He thinks it’s worth it to see Pierce put Spectra in her place. But Raven doesn’t want Pierce to know she’s the writer, not yet. She delays writing more.

George suggests to Pierce why not interview Spectra and catch her in her lie that way. He agrees. He asks her to write a story for the next edition. He also plans to interview her for the paper. Since the twins can’t really write, they go snooping around Raven’s desk, hoping to find another story they can steal. Spectra not only discovers the rewritten article she was supposed to write in Raven’s place, but also the beginnings of a NEW story! (Another story here.) She takes them both.

They also break into the safe and snag the diary. The matching handwriting confirms that both the diary and the new stories they found are written by Raven. They abscond with the diary, having no intention of letting Raven get any of the credit, or win Pierce’s heart, any time soon. .

CRISIS GETS WORSE

George discovers the missing diary and tells Raven. They figure out somehow that it was stolen by the twins, which makes Raven more furious than ever. What to do? She needs to confront Pierce. But how?

While in the park, livid, she meets up with the strange gentleman again who poetically describes a beautiful woman he is looking for and is in love with. He then tells her the legend of the ghost story. Raven’s fascinated. He also tells her he’s been reading her stories and they are wonderful. He encourages her to not let anyone take credit for her stories. She promises she won’t even though she doesn’t know how to prove they are hers. He tells her the proof is in her writing and then tells her where to look in the library for the real ghost story. When she has her back turned, he vanishes completely. She realizes she just met the ghost who walks their campus!

Another story here.

Pierce fake interviews Spectra in the hopes of catching her in a lie. It works: she can’t really remember what the stories are all about.

Raven follows the man’s instructions and finds the remaining elements of the real ghost story in the library. She writes it up and brings it to George. George is elated. She also tells him all about the strange man in the park.

Raven finally gets up the courage and tells off Pierce for not believing her. George is witness and supports her. Raven hands Pierce another story for him to publish. Pierce says he’s always known, but didn’t know how to prove it. But its clear to him that the new story will prove it—beyond a shadow of any doubt, and is ready to expose the liars. Sparks fly in his heart, but he still doesn’t show it. Raven tells George to meet her on the Monet Bridge, and leaves.

Spectra and Storm enter and George fires them on the spot with an unapologetic reprimand.

George plans to go talk to Raven, but Pierce says he’ll do it instead.

One more story here.

Pierce finds just before the bridge. He apologizes and affirms that her stories deserve to be published. She tells him she just wants to write the stories: no more classifieds. Pierce says it’s a deal! Then he confesses. He’s been harder on her because of his feelings; feelings he just can’t hide anymore. He asks her to be his date for the big celebration.. She also confesses her attraction to him, too, like since foreverm but tried to fight it because of the rule. He says it’s an archaic rule that needs to be changed. They’re about to kiss when the strange gentleman shows up, this time with his lady friend. They exchange hopeful words about the future of Raven’s writing career. Then the two strangers walk off together toward the Monet bridge, wave good-bye and disappear together walking hand in hand. \

George shows up. Asking about finally getting some new stories. Raven instantly hands him another story, as promised.

They exchange banter about belief in the paranormal before walking off together, Pierce and Raven holding hands, into the mist. George right behind them reading his happy ending story. Now this one they’re GONNA LOVE!

A Zandergrom ending here. ???

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s decreased budget:

My most ambitious script to date is historical bio-pic and therefore, it’s going to be expensive. Plus, a lot of this is really essential to the story. There’s no getting around some of it. I already had a 40 minute discussion with an actual producer who said it was on his bucket list to make a film about this and that’s why he picked my script out of 75 others to meet with. I could almost feel the steam coming out of his ears as he tried to ponder how much this would cost to make. He admitted quite honestly he had no idea how much it costs. But I had months to think about it since then, and since I already come from a cinetaographer/filmmaker background, I could easily come up with ways to do some of the main things cheaper, that perhaps he didn’t realize. If he comes back to me and says “how can we make this cheaper”, or, if I find another producer interested, I’ve got this whole list ready for them.

MAIN VARIABLES

<div>Number of Locations: There’s Tons. The most expensive are at the beginning and the end. But since these scenes seem to be pivotal to the plot, I instead came up with ways to make them cheaper;</div><div>

1 – Instead of elaborate extensive montage with real people and real inventions all over the world and time, it can be done through a montage of photographs or newspapers, like someone is thumbing through a book, which, we come to learn, is what that whole montage dissolves to.

</div><div>

Expensive locationsNumber of characters – The amount of people at the dunes can be cut in half/consolidated.

</div><div>

Special effects – For all the plane crashing scenes, only 1 or 2 of them require close-ups, so you can use models and puppet miniatures (the way they did for the speeder bike scene in Return of the Jedi, or the chase through the mineshafts in Temple of Doom)

Number of pages – I know this is a long one. I’d simply ask the producer which subplot he wants to cut out. Most likely it would be the on-off romance with Orv and Agnes, which is nice, but if he wants to cut that out, and he’s otherwise happy with the film, then fine. However, this could also be a streaming miniseries, in which case, I’ll be elaborating even more scenes.

Crowd scenes – We need to see hundreds of people in the crowds at the end, and even in the beginning, but you can do what they did when they filmed the Washington DC crowds in Forrest Gump: where they moved the same crowd of people over to a different section of the lawn/stadiums, and then edited all the clips into one.

Stunts – see above: puppets.

</div>

SECONDARY VARIABLES

<div>shorter work days – since they keep going back to the beach; five different times, you can film them all out of sync in one big work week/month.
</div><div>

Animals – Almost all the wildlife shots can be cutaways. The only time you need to see an of the wildlife in the same frame as the actors is one shot where a mouse crawls over a guy when he’s sleeping. But the hogs, the buzzards, the seagulls, the dead crab, the wild ponies; all cutaway shots.

Rain, snow, wind, tornados Water – if he wants to cut out the boat scene where the main character almost drowns, its up to him. It won’t affect the plot, but I know he’ll struggle with that decision because its a really dramatic moment.

Aircraft – gliders are not expensive, and throughout most of the movie, the plane is crashing over and over again. Like I said above, use cheap models and film them crashing all different ways according to nature, and let the editors have fun picking the best crashes.

Green screen – since this is a historical bio pic, I think most of the exotic locations are important. But they can mostly be done with matte/green screen. (for example, they don’t have to actually go to the Eiffel tower, you just have to see it in the background so you know they’re in Paris. The same with the Turn of the Century Washington D.C.

</div><div>Tell us about the high budget item in your script that you are letting go of.Ask, “What is the dramatic goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”Ask, “How can I accomplish the dramatic goal without the expense?: </div><div>

It’s probably Langley’s Aerodrome workshop and then the 2 test flights where it crashes. You could show the launch, and then just CUT to the newspaper showing it was a failure. Also instead of building a life-size replica, do miniatures with blue-screen/matte paintings and/or forced perspective. Then cut to close ups of the actors.

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[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Fantastic Treatment:

I learned how to start with NOTHING but a great title, and build an entire story from it, using real life experiences for inspiration and just diving in and getting to work on it, being open to changing whatever needs to be changed. This was originally supposed to be a rom-com, since that’s the genre I was looking to perfect, but as I wrote it, I realized there’s just simply nothing funny about this premise, so instead of fighting it, I made it a serious romance love story. I believe this still serves my vision for getting write-for-hire Rom Com jobs because writing this will really help to develop the “rom” part of rom-com stories, and I’m already pretty strong at developing “com”.

I’m using the 3-act structure. It was originally 8 paragraphs but I added
extra spaces for individual beats because it was easier to work the flow
as I rewrote it and moved plot points around. The 8 beats are in bold.

TITLE: Reviving Romeo.

GENRE: Drama/Romance

CONCEPT: A talented and loving husband & performer, adored by fans, colleagues and his wife, suddenly suffers an unexpected, mysterious and crippling injury that affects all areas of their relationship. It is told through the point of view of his wife. The outline is based on her emotional journey as she burdens herself with the task of reviving her Romeo.

1-OPENING:

Husband is a talented singer/dancer/entertainer and crowds love him. His wife is in love with him too and performs with him. He is very romantic, and they are the life of the party when they are out and about and love their life.

As part of his job, he’s occasionally required to do some teaching workshops, but he is never excited about the teaching part. Even though he does it well, he says it always feels like a burden, and does not compare to the joy he gets with the challenge of creating and performing.

After a hard couple of days of laying the floor of a new home studio, he finds his back aching and has chills. He stops and rests, and when he wakes up he feels better, so he goes right back to heavy lifting/construction.

2-INCITING INCIDENT:

The next morning he wakes to discover his feet and parts of his legs and stomach are numb. Over the next two days, he gets worse. He keeps dropping things and he can’t walk up steps. She drives him to emergency room and watches as this former dancer/musician (and her Romeo/Prince Charming) hobbles in slowly, alone, humbled.

They run all kinds of blood tests and imaging. They find a herniated lumbar disk, which is a common injury and explains some of his symptoms, but not others. They keep him while they continue to wait for test results.

Bored to death, and itchy, he gets out of bed and tries to freshen up in the bathroom. While in there, he slips on the wet floor and falls, hitting the toilet right between the shoulder blades. But he gets up and there’s no bruising, so the docs say he doesn’t need new imaging done.

Blood tests all come back clean and they release him with a script for rehab and instructions to resume normal activity. He’s always enjoyed rising to challenges and takes this as no exception.

He tries to resume “normal activity” with ambition. But he really can’t dance or play his music without lots of pain. He can’t sleep for more than a few hours and at a time and even tries sleeping in his car because it’s the driver seat is the most comfortable chair they own.

3-FIRST ACT TURNING POINT:

Over time, his back pain decreases, but he also develops new symptoms including extreme stiffness, charlie-horse type cramps, and spasms in his legs. She tells him to boldy persist; that sometimes temporary pain is a sign of healing. Doctors say the same thing: “Stay the course. Nerves take a long time to heal.” He complies. She also decides she’s on a mission to “do whatever it takes to heal my husband”

Not only is she his caretaker, but she also takes on an extra job because he’s still can’t return to work. He can’t even turn or roll over without feeling like his legs are either being electrocuted, or on fire so for her sake, he starts sleeping on the couch where he can prop himself up and not wake her up when he has painful bouts in the middle of the night, so forget about a sex life.

In addition, other recreational activities are shot: eating out, dancing, even sitting in a theater, causes him aches and or spasm/cramps..

They make attempts to socialize with old friends, but everyone knows it’s hard to enjoy yourself while watching someone suffer, especially when that person used to be the life of the party. Afterwards he explains to her how he sees the disappointment in their faces (the same faces that he used to be able to make light up with delight), having gone from being “Santa Claus with presents” to “sorry, no more gifts”. She saw it too.

He gets on board full blast with eating healthy, and seeking alternative health “experts”: new-age chiropractors, accupuncture, ,meditation etc. They all provide temporary relief, but the underlying problems persist.

When his foot cramps up and he almost gets into a serious car accident with his wife. He can’t bear that he just put her at risk. She says she doesn’t mind the extra caretaking of him, or the extra doctor visits, or the extra housework or even the extra job, but being an empath, her biggest internal struggle is how hard it is to see him in pain. He tells her that even if she can’t relieve his physical pain, or if he doesn’t ever heal, just knowing that she understands what she’s going through, gives him what he needs to make life worth living. This really helps her feel connected to him and brings them closer. She takes over the driving too.

A new doctor tells him his nerves are damaged from some sort of auto-immune condition, which is beyond the ability for his body to repair, so this may be the new normal. He prescribes pain-relieving, nerve-numbing medications. They aren’t designed to help him heal in any way, they just are supposed to make him feel less pain. He takes them for his wife’s sake.

After about a month on the meds, he discovers he is starting to fantasize about dying, thinking “maybe my death and relief from all this is best for both me and my wife”. Wife wonders if this is worse for him than the pain. The audience wonders “is he going to kill himself?”

Late at night in a state of semi-delierium, he tries to retrieve an old piece of musical equipment out of the cellar, (not unlike Citizen Kane looking for Rosebud). He thinks that if he can get it upstairs and clean it up and play it, it will do him a lot of good. His body can’t handle it, and he has a relapse. She finds him unconscious in the cellar in the middle of the night.

4-MIDPOINT

He wakes up in a new hospital; his wife insisted the ambulance take him to a level-1 trauma center. His new injuries causes a new specialist to re-examine him. They discover that his herniated lumbar disk damage has mostly healed, but they found a deeper problem: specific pinched nerves in his back from scar tissue which has gone un-diagnosed all this time. He needs serious spinal surgery. Doctors can’t promise that he will make a full recovery. They can only promise that if he doesn’t get the surgery he’ll get worse. He bursts out laughing. Even though it seems like bad news, he is thrilled that finally somebody has gotten to the heart of the problem! He says “sign me up ASAP” and they schedule him for surgery in 2 weeks.

But new imaging proves difficult because he can’t sit still in the machines. Plus his wife wants a 2^nd opinion, and devotes herself to finding him the best neurosurgeon she can, which means they’ll have to wait at least another month or two. He half-heartedly submits to waiting it out.

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There’s lots of back and forth between imaging and surgery scheduling over the next two months and all the waiting and dealing with the health-care beurocracy creates lots of emotional tension. He is more angry now than depressed and/or scared. This makes him scary and/or unapproachable and she can’t connect emotionally with him. She’d prefer to live with a cripple that she can talk to over a raging tyrant pushing everyone away.

Surgery day finally arrives. She is anxious and micromanaging and it gets under his already weary skin. He takes the anasthesia looking forward to the escape. She tries to tell him she loves him, etc. but he ignores her at first. Finally he tosses her a “yeah yeah”.

Upon first visiting him after surgery she finds him crying uncontrollably. He says he can feel his feet for the first time in over 2 years; they are tears of relief and joy. She too, cries tears of joy for him. He tries to get out of bed but is still woozy from the anesthesia and almost falls over. She immediately forces him back into bed.

The next time she visits him in rehab he is teaching dance lessons to other rehab patients who are laughing and smiling for the first time in years. And not just rehab patients; other employees who are watching and getting caught up in the new life-affirming energy in the place.

He steadily revives his life pre-injury; performing, eating at his favorite restaurants, playing pickleball at the gym, etc. Everyone is so thrilled to see him return to his usual activities with confidence and ease. But she can tell he is different: subdued, discontent somehow.

5-SECOND ACT TURNING POINT:

At the risk of being overbearing, she pries. He reveals that returning to his old joys of performing no longer fulfill him the way they once did. He becomes far more interested and impassioned by helping those less fortunate than him than he is by the challenge of pushing himself to the next level. This manifested while teaching dance at the rehab. He plans to make teaching his new career/mission/passion.

6-CRISIS:

But through the eyes of his wife, all is not the same. She’s successfully returned him to the rest of the world, but it feels like he still has not returned to her. She still hasn’t connected with him on an emotional level like she had pre-injury and even at times during the injury. His teaching engulfs all his time and she fears she’ll never get back her Romeo. She was actually happier when he was at his worst; when they couldn’t bear seeing each other in pain.

7-CLIMAX:

While teaching at a gig, A struggling female student makes him aware of exactly what she is feeling and thinking. He is able to diagnose her with the exact remedy she needs. Even though the news is “bad”, she laughs out loud because she says she “is thrilled that somebody has finally gotten to the heart of the problem”. He suddenly sees his wife across the room with another man connecting on that same level; the joy in her eyes dancing with him. He realizes what his next “mission/challenge” needs to be: reconnecting with her on that level in real life.

8-RESOLUTION:

In the same way she hated seeing him in pain and was devoted to leaving no stone unturned in finding the cure, he now hates seeing her in pain and tells her he is devoted to leaving no stone unturned to comfort her. She reminds him that even if he doesn’t “solve the problem”, just knowing that he understands what she’s going through, gives her what she needs to make life worth living. He makes a new promise; to not let the passions of living get in the way of making sure she that they connect and know how the other is feeling every day.

[Joe Donato]

Writer: I was amazed at how much insight/material I was able to provide to a treatment that wasn’t my idea, and that I wasn’t emotionally attached to. It really gave me a lot of confidence that I really could pull this off for a producer.

Producer: Each new question from the writer gave me energy to flesh the ideas out even more. They felt that they really had a lot to work with.

I think in the end, just having another devoted brain to help work the story was amazingly empowering for each of us. It reminds me that movies should be thought of as being “bulit” moreso than being “made”.

I am open to doing this exercise again for anyone who wants to play the producer role for one of their own half-baked or even mostly-baked treatments/proposals.

-Joe

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Rom Writing Sample:

What I learned is that there’s always ways to improve a script, even when you think it’s already good enough.

Setup: After not making the cut on an audition for what would be her 2nd role on Broadway, Emily has opened her own dance studio. The only space available was above a seedy looking pizza joint and the all-too perfect landlord has warned her to stay away from Lorenzo the pizza guy. (She’s already experienced him banging pots and pans to loud rock music to scare mice back to upper levels of the building) Two of her special-needs students are coming to start regular devoted long-term classes for the first time…

INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR – DAY

KAREN and two teenaged Special-needs students, FRAN & DAN enter. Fran wears bells on her skirt. Dan has a headband and sweats and walks with a cane. Karen observes the paint job.

KAREN

(happy)

OK, C’mon Dan, that’s right, hold the door for Fran.

The kids are all smiles. Karen turns away from them and looks with concern at the hallway condition. She pushes the elevator button with a tissue.

They enter. The doors shut.

the elevator starts to rise, but then there’s a GRIND and a GROAN of GEARS. SILENCE, until the alarm turns on BZZZZZZZZZZ.

HALLWAY – TOP OF STEPS – CONTINUING

Emily opens the door, wide-eyed. She looks at the elevator. Her face drops.

FRAN & DAN

Whaaaatt? Heeellp?

They start banging on the doors.

Emily’s phone buzzes. Caller ID says its Karen. Emily answers.

EMILY

Omigod are you in the elevator?

KAREN (ON PHONE)

How could you tell?

Emily stares at the elevator. She starts to kick it. She pushes the button aggresivley in vain. Fran & Dan are bawling.

KAREN

Uhh, kicking isn’t helping.

EMILY

I’m sorry, I’ll stop. I’m calling the landlord now.

KAREN

Landlord? call 911!

HALLWAY – DOWNSTAIRS

Lorenzo enters with a bag of groceries.

LORENZO

(to himself)

Damn friggin elevator!

(to elevator captives)

Hello? Are you OK?

KAREN

We’re fine! Kids stop pounding!

FRAN & DAN

Heeeelllp!! Break the window! Break the lights!

LORENZO

Do you see the emergency phone?

KAREN

I can’t see anything it’s like an insane rave in here!

DAN

You’ve been to insane raves?

INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUING

The lights flicker on and off. Dan grabs his cane and bangs on the ceiling. The lights stay on a little longer.

HALLWAY

Emily hearing Fran’s SCREAMING comes running from upstairs.

EMILY

Ohmigod I can’t believe this! Does this happen a lot?

LORENZO

(pause)

You must be the new tenant.

EMILY

Are you Lorenzo?

LORENZO

In the flesh.

BEEPS, POUNDS ane SCREAMS continue as Emily & Lorenzo look each other over like two territorial dogs, drowning out all the other stimulous.

LORENZO

Uh, are those your students in there?

EMILY

Omigod yes! Can you get them out?

LORENZO

No. Gotta call the fire company. Or Bruce Willis, but I don’t think he does anything under 50 floors.

EMILY

Should I call Ted?

LORENZO

(huffs)

If you want. I’m calling the fire department.

INT. ELEVATOR

There’s a small crack in the door.

DAN

I need a crowbar. Ms Karen do you have a crowbar in your purse?

KAREN

I forgot to pack it today.

FRAN

Are we gonna run out of air? Could we die?

DAN

No, I’m gonna save you. Give me your tap shoes.

FRAN

NO, not my broadway shoes!

Dan wedges his cane into the crack. He starts moving it back and forth.

DAN

There, we won’t suffocate now.

Lorenzo just watches with his hands crossed.

EMILY

Oh good, good job Dan! I’ll help from this side!

Emily looks under the stairs and finds a rusty pipe. She wedges it into the door and starts to pry on her side.

Lorenzo continues to watch, but not help. He looks up at the corner of the wall at the security cameras.

INTERCUT BETWEEN HALLWAY AND INSIDE ELEVATOR

DAN

I gotta stop. I’m too tired & hungry!

Emily looks at Lorenzo, notioning for him to help.

Lorenzo goes back into the store as she continues to wedge.

EMILY (TO HERSELF)

What kind of self-centered-

He comes back out with a pizza box. He slides a couple slices through the door slot. There’s momentary peace inside the elevator.

LORENZO

Give me just one more inch and I can get water bottles in there.

Emily is glaring at him.

LORENZO

What, you want a slice?

EMILY

No I don’t eat pizza.

KAREN

I could use a ciagrette and a beer.

DAN

Fran, give me your shoes.

KAREN

It’s Ok, we’ll get you new ones.

Dan shoves the business end of the tap shoe into the wedge and pushes it with his cane. They get another inch.

EMILY

(to Lorenzo)

You gonna help?

Lorenzo goes back into the shop. Then comes out with 3 water bottles. He slides them into the elevator, then steps back.

DAN

Ahh that’ll hit the spot!

the BUZZING stops.

KAREN

Oh sweet relief!

EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT – DAY

A wailing fire truck pulls up.

HALLWAY

Dan’s hand sticks through the doors. Then his arm, then his shoulder.

DAN

Here-we-come!

Just as a fireman enters the hallway, Dan pushes his body through the doors and spills onto the floor.

Fran steps out, drying her eyes. Karen runs out and into the parking lot SCREAMING. Dan stands up immediately and flexes.

DAN

I’m SUPERDANNNN!!!

NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: DANNY REDMAN, LOCAL HERO!

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

The paper drops, revealing Ted, staring at the entrance with a scowl as two FIREMEN enter.

INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR – DAY

A fireman assesses the damage. Ted stands over him awaiting the verdict.

TED

You sure you can’t reuse any of those parts just by bending them back into shape?

FIREMAN

It’ll probably work, but sporadically, or at least move really slow, but the structural integrity is compromised so it won’t pass inspection.

TED

What’s up with these pipe marks on the front?

FIREMAN

Uh, we didn’t do that sir, someone else did that as they were trying to pry it open.

TED

Are you tellin’ me the idiot kid did that with his damn cane?

FIREMAN

It looks pried from the outside.

TED

Friggin’ Lorenzo I bet.

(pause)

But it’s workin’?

FIREMAN

Did you hear me? It won’t pass the certification test.

A family enters and walks through the scene heading for Lorenzo’s. Ted gets self-conscious.

TED

In the meantime WE, meaning my tenants, just need YOU to get it working NOW. I don’t want to hear anymore excuses or runaround! Cappice?

He sees Lorenzo working hard in the shop, greeting the family.

FIREMAN

OK look I’ll do what I can, but I wouldn’t recommend taking it past the 2rd floor. It might not make another full trip after that.

Valente sighs and rubs his neck.

INT. DANCE STUDIO

Emily at her makeshift desk panders to Karen on phone.

EMILY

Oh, I totally understand. And if you need to find another studio space, don’t feel bad at all. You’re not obligated in any way to stay loyal to me.

KAREN

Oh I’d never betray you! It’s just a temporary hiatus.

EMILY

Well if you need anything please let me know.

KAREN

Sure, sure, we’ll totally do that. totally.

EMILY

Ok great.

KAREN

Totally!

(click)

Emily stares at the phone.

Ted pops his head into the studio like Kramer entering Jerry’s apartment.

TED

Hey! Elevator’s all good.

EMILY

That was… quick.

TED

Yeah, well you know, when I need something done for my tenants, I make sure they get it done.

EMILY

Do you know what caused it?

TED

(long pause)

Its gotta be those kids loitering all the time! I mean Lorenzo didn’t help with whatever he was using to pry open the doors. Did you see those gigantic gouges? And he wonders why I increased the commons fees!

Emily stays silent. Ted responds with more volume.

TED

You gotta understand, I try like hell to keep this place in working order but when Tenants screw this up for themselves, I take it personally, you know?

He walks right up to her personal space. She pulls back. He gets quiet and seemingly emotive.

TED

I mean I look at this place as my home you know? Wouldn’t you treat this place like your home? I’d hope so. Would you let kids do that to the steps leading up to your bedroom for example?

EMILY

Of course not.

TED

Yeah, well, I just don’t want to see him screw up your business.

EMILY

Well I can’t imagine he’d do anything intentional-

TED

Sometimes I wonder.

Ted exits, mid-sentance.

Emily thinks for a few second, until HEAVY METAL MUSIC emanates through the hallway, followed by the CLANGING of pots and pans. She gets up in a rage.

INT. PIZZA SHOP – DAY

NELSON Is closing the door, ready with the keys to lock, when Emily shoves her foot through the door in a huff.

NELSON

Uhh, we’ll reopen again in 5-

EMILY

Get Lorenzo.

Nelson retreats back into the shop. Emily enters and follows.

Lorenzo meanders out from the back with bags of pizza sauce and a giant plastic tub.

LORENZO

Oh, you’re ready to actually try-

EMILY

I just want you to know that I will NOT let you’re mismanagement of this place screw up my studio!

LORENZO

Whuhhh

He begins filling the tubs with sauce.

EMILY

I know you don’t give a damn about the elevator, but I just lost two of my most devoted students! And from what the landlord tells me its due to your negligence.

LORENZO

He told you it was my fault did he?

EMILY

Yes. You let those hoodlums vanadalize the elevator, takin’ joy rides up and down all day. Why would you do that?

Lorenzo keeps working as Emily rants.

LORENZO

Am I their keeper? Am I responsible for what they do to this place when I’m in here tryin’ to make my business run?

EMILY

Why not? They’re just kids, you’re the adult! Why would you let them screw it up for either of us?

LORENZO

Ok for that matter, how do I know you won’t screw up my business?

EMILY

Oh, trust me, I will ONLY help your business by bringing in upscale clientelle.

Lorenzo graps a pizza peel, twirls it, and removes hot pizza from the oven.

LORENZO

Well well Broadway, aint you got a lot of nerve comin in here telling me how to run my business.

EMILY

Someone’s got to do it.

LORENZO

Oh yeah, Why you?

EMILY

Because its affecting MY business and that makes you, MY problem.

Lorenzo drops the peel.

LORENZO

Well, I guess I should be flattered to have the honor of being your problem. Wait lemme see if that motivates me at all.

He mockingly checks his pulse.

LORENZO

Nope, still the same greasy numb and soulless 2nd class pizza maker that’s been successfully runnin’ this place for over 4 years. How long you been in business for yourself? A week is it?

EMILY

Yeah a long hard week. ONLY a week and I’m already losing clients! you didn’t even help get them out.

LORENZO

There’s a damn good reason I didn’t touch that elevator.

EMILY

Cause you don’t have a heart?

LORENZO

Oh, I don’t have a heart? OK Dorothy, lemme show a little somethin’ about that wizard of a landlord you trust so blindly.

He notions to the hallway security cameras and points with a woooden spoon.

LORENZO

You see that camera. You know what happens if that camera has footage of me tampering with that precious elevator? The grand ole wizard blames me for the elevator damages and fines me. Your clients were totally fine in there. Don’t be surprised if he fines you too.

EMILY

He wouldn’t do that. He told me he thinks of this place as his home.

LORENZO

Oh he gave you the home speech did he? Yeah that’s a rich one. Who in their right mind would do business like either of ours in their home? This place exists for one purpose; to make us money so we can have a home. Not the other way around! With the rent we pay, we should be able to do whatever we have to do to this place to keep it working for us. You got me AND the landlord all wrong missy.

EMILY

Don’t call me missy.

LORENZO

MY PIZZA SHOP! MY RULES! I’ll call you whatever I want. But I’ll make you a deal. I’ll never call you that again if you NEVER barge into my store and accuse me of bullshit I ain’t guilty of! That elevator is falling apart because of the landlord trying to cut corners and if you last even a few months without running back to Broadway you’ll see.

Long pause. Emily starts to tear up. She doesn’t have a comeback. That last line clearly got to her.

LORENZO

There’s tissues in the bathroom. Oh wait, that’s for patrons only, and you don’t eat pizza. Take a napkin.

He plops a napkin dispenser in front of her and goes back into the kitchen area.

Emily stands there, continuing to tear up. She looks around. Nelson and Liz quickly turn away aloof.

She grabs the napkins and walks out.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Key business decisions:

I learned to just dive in and start fleshing out ideas based on what I already know, and to not worry one iota about what I don’t know. I’ve done it 6 times before, and I know what kind of experience I’m trying to deliver to the audience. That’s all I need to step out in faith and start developing the concept, using this business decision model as a guide.

1. Give us the decisions that are in your current High Budget script:

Genre: Rom Com. As I did for my past 2 rom coms, I’ll develop the outline as a heartfelt serious piece first, and then make sure it’s humorous by the time I start writing the script.

Title: Reviving Romeo. This whole thing is based purely on that title. I literally am starting out with nothing but a great title.

Concept: A married couple loses their spark. They each have lost their past “glory” of being romantic/sexy/alluring to the other. Something ‘revives’ the other. His wife attempts to “revive” the passion, but ironically, it’s the act of the man going through Job-like suffering that leads to him being “revived”.

Audience: Women AND Men over 25. I want men to be intrigued to see this of their own volition. They’ll go with their wives to see the latest rom-com under the pretense that the wife gets to pick the movie that night, but secretly, they’ll like it too, and they’ll talk about it around the water cooler the next day with the other guys.

Budget: 10 million. Sure, why not. If it’s a great script and Tom Cruise wants to do it but his fee is 20 million, then it will become a 30 million budget.

Lead Characters: Husband and wife who are getting older and whose marriage is losing their spark, Yes it needs more detail than that.

Journey / Character Arc: The man was famous/talented/handsome/healthy (some combination of those), then, due to an injury, finds himself disabled. Nobody can tell him if he will heal, stay that way, or get worse. This drags on for several years, putting a heavy burden on his wife, his ability to make a living, and thus their finances, his pride, his ego. But he doesn’t give up. Despair is always lurking around the corner in some way, but he does whatever he can to not give in to it. After he heals, his focus in life powerfully changes from always trying to better himself and his own life, to instead, having great compassion for those less than him.

Opening / Ending: Opening shows how “great” he is, he’s still striving to be more, and looking to the future and his agenda for being even better. Then the accident happens, but we see the whole thing through the point of view of his wife.

Ending: He finally heals, and feels born again, but instead of returning to his plans, he instead is passionate about new plans: helping others, and does random acts of kindness one after the other. Again, we see this through the eyes of his wife.

All the details are muddy and vague right now. I need to work on delivering on the promise eluded to in the title, that we are going to see the wife try to “revive” his romantic side, after their love life has become a casualty when his physical health is compromised.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato’s specialty: RomComs

i chose this because, of the 7 scripts I’ve written so far in multiple genres, 4 of them are comedies, 2 of them are Rom-Coms, and 5 of them revolve around tension between 2 individuals. The two horror/thrillers are about the tension between a married couple in crisis situations with that same pro-ant relationship. In addition to that, rom-com seems to be a major market that the industry is constantly pumping out. I am naturally prone to comedic writing in the first place, AND, this may be the biggest “fueling passion” element: most of the time when I watch a rom-com I feel let-down because it was formulaic and the humor was too contrived and they could have done something more believable while still being funny and romantic, and since I thrive on challenges, my challenge is to actually give Hollywood something better. I’d be thrilled to get hired to rewrite one of those mediocre scripts and make it so much stronger/appealing to A-list actors who are always looking to do a rom-com.

Movie 1; When Harry Met Sally

Conventions: – They are total opposites in the beginning, they find themselves becoming friends over time due to serendipitous circumstances, they both have a best friend they tell everything to; each scene has a unique comic element to it; they almost say goodbye forever near the end; one of them goes ‘chasing’ down the other one at the last minute to profess their love in an extremely poignant and heartfelt speech that wins the other one over.

This movie has some of the best dialogue of any Rom-Com, as well as getting my vote for the strongest “these two people will NEVER get together” believability factor early on I’ve ever seen in any Rom Com. you can also tell how it was written with a strong reverence to “simple budget but great script so we can attract high-quality actors and afford to pay them”

Move 2: Pretty Woman.

This movie comes up on every “Best Rom-Coms” list i’ve ever seen, but I’ve never seen it. So I finally watched it. And I have to say, this violates one major Rom-Com element, in that it’s not really a comedy. There wasn’t one single laugh out loud gag in the whole thing. I am not complaining though. I think it’s a good film, but I’d call it more of just a straight-up romance. I think its labeled “rom com” purely for marketing purposes, and I think i was never drawn to watch it before because the premise did not seem “funny’ to me. In fact, I appreciate it much more as a serious film about redemption.

Conventions;

Two seemingly “hopeless” people from total opposite worlds brought together through unique serenidipitous circumstances and end up “stuck together” for a higher purpose, and over time come to respect each other to the point of respect; they both have that one “friend” who they confide in; this one has a very strong “fish out of water” element with the one character; and near the end they seem to have seperated for good when one character “comes around” before the other one does. Then, at the last minute, the other one does the “pursuit” thing in a uniquely poetic way, where they have to overcome one of their personal fears, thus “proving” their character to the other person, thus leading to a “happily evre after” ending. Just like in ‘WHMS”, the writers did a very good job at painting the worlds of the two characters as feeling very “real” and “believable”.

Other movies I watched that had very similar tropes: “New Girl in Town”, “Along Came Polly”, “My Fair Lady”, “The King and I”, “Sound of Music”, “Aladdin”, “Little Mermaid”, “The Proposal”. Those were just movies I liked, I left out a half-dozen other movies I saw that I felt were over-formulated and obvious, but still delivered on the conventions, and thus attracted big-name actors and got produced.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s credibility is going up.

OK, my main realistic goal for the month will be to actually take time to revise my IMDB and Linked-In page, with a strong focus on highlighting my screenwriting accomplishments to date, and connecting with producers.

CREDIBILITY CHECKLIST

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments

<div>-Semi Finalist, and Finalist in screenplay competitions this past year. Also winner of “best music video” which had a love story theme to it.
</div><div>

</div>

5. Education specific to screenwriting

<div>- I do have a film/media arts screenwriting degree.</div><div>

– Alumni of Act One Writing for Hollywood, which has gotten me successful pitch meetings with accomplished Hollywood producers who requested my script.

</div><div>

</div>

7. IMDB CREDITS

My IMDB page showed up on the first page of Google, but I’m “known for” choreography and grip work, NOT screenwriting. Still trying to change that by adding my music video and short film credit as writer/director.

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

<div>Wrote, directed, filmed and edited my own short film during first few months of quarantine, available to view on youtube. #WhenFoodiesQuarantine”</div><div>

</div>

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Projects and insights:

3. Tell us the two projects you’re bringing into this class and give us a budget range for each; each project must be:

a. An idea that you would like to create:

I got four right now that i have to choose from: “The Search for the Winter Warlock”, “Entrapped”, “Train Wreck” or “The Cutest Dog in the Universe”

Any of those could be in the 5-10 million range. The first three possibly even 1 million, and the last one, due to more exotic locations, would be closer to 20 million I’m guessing.

b. A finished script. – “Elevated”. 20 million? But really, I have no Idea how to judge budgets.

4. Tell us what you learned from the opening teleconference. I learned the difference between being feeling pigeonholed and making the professional business choice to master a genre.

[Joe Donato]

I, Joe Donato, agree to the terms of the release form.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato

I’ve written 2 market-ready scripts, and 5 others in various stages of draft 1 – 3, and that’s not counting the 3 sitcom spec scripts i wrote about 20 years ago.

I’m here because I desire consistent full-time work as a writer, and I am exploring all potential means to achieving that goal. Also, I have Wednesday nights free.

I hate Indian-givers… no wait, i take that back. I’m currently competing in a Toastmasters International humorous speech contest. My speech “An Open Letter to General Tso” was first written over 20 years ago, but have since revised it, and I am amazed at how it is still just as timely. relevant and humorous as it was when I first wrote it. Next round in the last week of March. If I become rich and famous because of it, you can say you knew me before I was a published writer.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s elevated interest

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I learned that I already did a lot of this in my scenes. It was very affirming to go back and be able to list the multiple interest levels of many of my key scenes. I’m realizing both that I have a lot already built in, AND that there is always room for more. I am discovering how to have a balance so that the waters don’t get too muddy or that I end up putting too many toppings on a pizza with my new found powers. I want the story to stay focused at this point, as opposed to overdoing it just to impress. I’ve seen that in movies when its clear there’s just “too much”.

I’m glad I’m able to add, subtract, or change the interests. I gained a lot of confidence from this exercise and it makes me feel like I’m becoming a mature professional.

OPENING SCENE Already has:

-interesting setting

– External Dilemma

– Character changes radically.

– Betrayal

– Internal Dilemma

– Uncomfortable Moment

– Major twist

– Surprise

– Uncertainty

But I tweaked a couple lines of dialogue to highlight/amplify/clarify Emily’s wound.

EMILY MEETS LANDLORD AND SIGNS LEASE

Already has:

– interesting setting

– Superior Position

– intrigue

– character changes radically

Don’t want to add more lest I muddy the focus.

ELEVATOR BREAKDOWN MEET-CUTE

Already has:

-Superior Position

-Misinterpretation

-Internal dilemma

-External Dilemma

-Uncomfortable Moment

-Intrigue

-Suspense

-Uncertainty

Good n Plenty

EMILY CONFRONTS LORENZO

– Misinterpretation

– Internal Dilemma

– Uncomfortable Moment

– Uncertainty

Candidate for more: potential scenes:

B. Superior Position?

C. Misinterpretation?

D. External Dilemma?

EMILY EATS STRATCHIATTELLI:

Character changes radically: Emily starts to fall for Lorenzo.

Betrayal: Lorenzo betraying himself by helping Emily.

Internal Dilemma: Emily totally drawn to the “enemy”

Uncomfortable Moment: Emily is “weak/vulnerable” to Lorenzo…

Suprise… but he responds by meeting her needs!

Reveal: Lorenzo is a great cook with amazing chef potential.

Uncertainty: Is Lorenzo right? is the Landlord really the bad guy?

LORENZO INSPECTS EMILY’S STUDIO:

– More interesting setting, theyre both in her bathroom

– Superior Position WORK ON THIS

– Misinterpretation, sexual tension/innuendos

– External Dilemma, Lorenzo made a mess of dirt from air vent and is covered in it.

– Character changes radically.

– Internal Dilemma

– Uncomfortable Moment

– I increased the tension by having Emily interrupt him right before an evening rush, making him choose to cater to her needs/wants over his business.

– I was going to increase the sexual tension, but I think it’s already obvious enough. When it comes time for peer review I’ll ask about the subtext in that scene.

EMILY AND LORENZO MEET IN ITALY:

Already has enough tension setup from the previous scene, but if I wanted to, I could add Lorenzo starting to hook up with one of the Italian local girls, and starting to forget about Emily, until she just appears. I’ll think about that.

-Yeah I could do this forever, with every scene, and make my script 20 pages longer!

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Dramatic reveals

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

Demand: sign the lease together for off-broadway dance school

Reveal: partner got a callback that Emily didn’t get and she’s bailing on Emily

Dramatic reveal? – Sure, I mean, she tells her over the phone, but she tells her right when Emily is set to meet and sign the lease, at the 11th hour.

Demand: An injured Emily wakes up “in the clutches/domain/lair” of seemingly no-good Lorenzo.

Reveal: He is nurturing, AND he is an amazing cook; two things she’s been denying herself for months.

Dramatic? It’s funny. She is conflicted with the info because she suddenly is now falling for him, but her pride won’t let her show it. I mean, he’s been nothing but a threat to her livelihood, right? Also, the way she is inhaling that soup is all to flattering to him, so he can let his defenses down and be far more personable than he ever was before.

Demand: Gotta find out what’s on the 3rd floor, but she’s not supposed to go up there.

Reveal: She goes up there on a mission for the zoning commisioner and discovers living quarters.

Dramatic; its dark, scary, dirty, there’s something ELSE living in there; vermin. Then she has to play private detective and hunt down the crazy ex-tenant turned paralegal and get a confession out of her. So all that, yeah, dramatic.

Demand: Lorenzo realizes that what he left behind in America is Emily.

Reveal (to Lorenzo since the audience already knows she’s headed there): Emily shows up at his house in Italy.

Dramatic: Being surrounded by all of Lorenzo’s relatives is what makes this dramatic. Think of Jerry Macquire when Jerry walks in during the meeting of disgruntled divorcees and gives his soliloquy.

Demand: Reading of Lorenzo’s will, that gives Lorenzo the family money…

Reveal: Nico put a twist clause in there that reveals he’s leaving money to Lorenzo, but ONLY if he returns to Ameria.

Dramatic? It’s exposition-based, so that’s problematic, but its done in the reading of a will, so that’s dramatic and realistic enough to be interesting. Plus, its a direct twist of Aunt Locatelli’s agenda, and she is there, so that heightens the drama.

Demand: How are they going to run their businesses in a broken down building? Isnt that just a return to all the problems they had before?

Reveal: they remodel, and refurbish and turn the downstairs into an upscle Italian eatery, an upstairs into an art space, and the 3rd floor into living quarters.

Dramatic? Done with a series of shots, with no dialogue, each image delivering on setups that were scattered throughout the script. AND they have a 4th floor rooftop that is totally off-limits to work; pleasure only!

Most of these were already built into my outline, but I was able to go through and tweak the setups throughout the script as I saw chances to do that, so that the reveals are more impactful. Also, in honoring the genre, instead or horrifying visual shocks like in Matrix or Seven, I added more humor as my form of heightening the drama.

Once again, this ended up making already long script a page longer, but, maybe I’ll solve that issue in the next 5 lessons.

[Joe Donato]

Joe loves Character depth…

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

It was affirming to go back through my previous character beat assignments and see how I’ve been doing a lot of this all along. But it also helped me to evolve some of the problematic areas of the script. Two areas in particular: Emily’s backstory with her family/parents who have been non-existant through the whole story, 2 – Lorenzo’s Uncle dying and having him inherit money looks too much like a Deus Ex-machina., 3 – Affirming that the noble path forward really IS to leave Italy and return to America.

So I’m adding:

Emily’s parents are in a nursing home with severe dementia, so while she has a family, she doesn’t get to regularly experience them, thus, the studio being her “family” fills an emotional void. But then when she moves to Italy, she “inherits” Lorenzo’s Italian family to now fills that void, and thus she’s ready to “abandon” her students for them, and that’s why she doesn’t want to go back to America.

– When Lorenzo gives up the pizza place and goes to Italy, even though it seems like a wise decision to the world’s eyes, to him he’s failing his father, because it was his father’s dream to make it in America, and his parents died when they went back to Italy at the start of the pandemic and got Covid and died there, so in those ways, Italy represents death to him on 2 levels. He has a deep irrational fear of Italy because of that. But Both Nico and Lorenzo, and ultimately Emily, know that the deeper meaning is that the year he spent in Italy has allowed him to mature his cooking skills, and now he’s ready to go back to America to make real quality Italian food with his own Trattoria, thus also fulfilling his parent’s dream.

it still too long, and now, after adding all that, its a page longer!

[Joe Donato]

Joe solved scene problems

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

Lots of tough decisions, but also I can tell some more things have to change. This time around…

– Strengthened initial scene to make sure everyone sees that main character is making a crazy leap of faith by opening her studio without her sister/partner, and also helps us to understand why she’d do something as stupid as signing a lease without even reading it.

– Strengthened the 1st act tension by introducing the problem of vermin in the building and how Lorenzo has a unique way of handling them (because the Landlord wont) but that totally makes Emily think he’s just as much of a jerk as the landlord says he is.

– cut out some exemporaneous dialogue throughout so that we get to the point of the scene quicker and allows me to cut about 5 pages from the total script.

– Shuffled a few scenes around in the 2nd act so that the attraction/resistance and boundary testing tensions between Emily and Lorenzo flows better

– Strengthened Lorenzo’s italian family dynamics to make them less cliche, and have a more subsstantial role in Lorenzo and Emily’s fate.

– Used two of the supporting characters to help “break” the landlord so he does a complete reversal deep in the 3rd act, and gives up the building.

Slow and steady wins the race!!! right Hal?

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe’s Bustin’ Cliche’s.
</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

Hmmmm….

What is the difference between a cliche and a trope? I think when it comes to Rom Coms there is a very thin line between “Honoring the Genre” and “busting cliches”. I think this because when I was writing my previous Rom Com in the Pro-Series, I watched a bunch of Rom Coms and made a list of all the Cliche’s I could find. here’s that list…

-snarky best friend

-melancholic best friend

-slob/oddball best friend

-the token gay friends

-coffee shop meccas

-picturesque New York city

-both parties have lush beatiful appartments

-snowing Holiday scenes.. 1st one is romantic, 2nd one is lonely, or vice versa

-the main parties hate each other at first

-the chase and then the big speech at the end to reclaim the mate; usually a proposal, or even better, interrupting a wedding to the wrong person.

-referencing a classic romantic movie

-pets doing something funny, or making humans make fools of themselves.

-whacked out new age Mom

-redneck/clueless dad

-Malin Ackerman

– the female does something awkward that leads to sexually-based embarrasment

– one of them sees the other naked unintentionally.

I am proud to say I had very few cliches that I could recognize. The end “chase” is sort of there, but then you find out it’s not the end. It’s sort of a fake-out. So I’m proud of that, but I’m also open to changing it more. There were cliches in my dialogue, so I worked on some of that, but then I realized that technically that falls under the category of wordsmithing, and so I didn’t obsess about it.

Really, honestly, I don’t think this cliche-ish. I think it feels fresh, like I haven’t seen this before, yet still honoring the Genre in just enough ways. I mean they still don’t like each other at first, and they come from different worlds, and are forced into this same environment, but I avoided a lot of potential “Pizza place” cliches, and a lot of Italian stereotype cliches, and the “best friend saves the day” cliches, as I was writing the outline, so I’m happy about that.

-Oh but here’s one confession: There is this lingering plot problem deep in the 3rd act, and so I was working to solve it this time around, and, well, to solve it, I.. well.. I kindasorta, made the rich uncle fall so he could go to the hospital, and then die, so that my main Lead can inherit his money so he can pursue his dream with his new wife. This feels very dues-ex-machina cliche-ish. Perhaps when we get to feedback, I can find out how bad it sounds to anyone else. In the meantime, I’ll have my subconscious mull over it while I’m sleeping.

</div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe’s solved character problems</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I learned that I already had most of these solved already due to strong outlining skills. BUT if it wasn’t for this assignment, I may have just rested on my laurels being proud of all the things I got right in the first place, but going over it all again with this list did make me change one or two scenes and make them significantly different in the 3rd act. In my opinion, the 3rd act is where most RomComs die, because they become so full of predictable crowd-pleasing cliche. But I want to make sure my characters really have you riding that emotional train of their personal old-ways to new-ways growths, keeping you hooked all the way through. The two scenes i changed really helped that.

</div><div>

A. Generic Lead Characters.

-No, they’re 3-dimensional and 2 very head-strong individuals with likeability, relatability, and empathetic moments.

B. Weak protagonist or antagonist.

– No, but I’m constistently working on strengthening the drama, and the landlord’s “evilness” with each pass.

C. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad.

– No, the landlord is NOT that bad, but I definitely felt the temptation to go there as i tried to avoid the “protagonist too weak” thing.

D. Weak character intros.

– I think they’re good, but I’m open to making them even better if I come up with something more.

E. Characters not in action.

– I’m good.

F. Protagonist journey not strong.

– Just beefed that up with some rewrites in the 3rd act.

G. All the characters seem the same.

– nope, they’re all different.

H. Lead characters not present.

– nope, they’re in every scene.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Structure Solutions

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned:

Wow, there’s a lot in that Grid! I was feeling overwhelmed reading the first sections. But when I got to the end, particularly number 7, 8 and 9, I felt more confident because it was much easier to focus on specific parts of the script. So I did those first, and they were already pretty satisfying. That allowed me to mull over 1-6 as I read through the script. I had to make a peace with myself that I’m probably not going to get ANY of those rock solid on the next draft, but will just continue to evolve each of those over the next few drafts. That felt like a much more plausible strategy and is allowing me to move forward with confidence and progress. The main areas that I fixed were strengthening the main conflict throughout, along with making sure the primary underlying subtext of my main characters coming together romantically, “rear its ugly head” in some way in every scene.

Here’s what I’m aware of that I plan to elevate/evolve/mature/refine:

– Re-examine the flow of Emily and Lorenzo’s emotional boundaries/influence on each other’s businesses/level of trust

-Why is the script too long? (136 pages, but each time I rewrite, it gets longer) too many scenes? too much setup for the payoffs? Gotta figure out how to deliver quicker? That’s for my subconscious to work on over the next few drafts.

– Confession: I wordsmith like a bad habit. I’m good at it, and its fun and comes naturally. But I see how it gives me a false instant-gratification sense of “I’m fixing the problems” and it makes me more emotionally attached to the scene, thus distracting me from seeing the bigger picture. Those scenes might need to be cut, despite how well they read! I’m sure I’m still going to keep wordsmithing some of it because its my nature, but from now on I’m only going to do it if it’s instant/obvious and feels like it takes no effort. If I know some words need to be elevated, but don’t know how right away, I should just MOVE ON for now. That’s a new discipline for me, but it’s something I’m going to keep reminding myself to do.

[Joe Donato]

Joe completed Act 4

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I did it. I completed my revised goal: finishing by the end of the weekend. 11:00 on a Sunday night and I tell my wife “I’m almost done, 5 more minutes!”. 45 minutes later I flesh out the last scene, but I’m very happy with the final resolution and image, and how it stays true to my outline and honors the script. I truly think this could be one of the most satisfying endings of a Rom-Com to date, leaving people in tears, so happy for this couple. But I’ll be happy if it’s just plain “good”. I went to bed with a 7th script under my belt. I thought it was going to be my 6th but then I recounted. Yep, Seven! WOW, that’s a really satisfying sense of accomplishment for me.

Of course, I now have 2w market ready scripts, and 5 other scripts that need to be rewritten, whereas last year this time I only had 5 total scripts (2 market ready and 3 to rewrite), Two years before that I only had the initial 2 that were market ready, and NONE others.)

I am now really looking forward to the next part of this class: the whole REWRITING thing. This part is the main reason I was sold on this class. I am really hoping for some amazing breakthroughs and maturing of my process over this next session.

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe continues Act 4.
</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

Yeah, this one is all about discipline. I have such a hard time writing generic stuff. I’ve already skipped a scene with a placeholder and continued past that part, like Hal suggested, and I’m taking a break after every scene. But I vowed that I will finish this script by the end of the weekend (even though last week my goal was to finish up by the end of the week, before this weekend. The new angel on one shoulder is a tiger mom and on the other shoulder the slacker demon. I think they will switch roles once I complete Act 4.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe Started Act 4</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

6-10 pages of something of substance really does take more effor than i thought. The passing of time becomes irrelevant once I’m aware of the substance I’m fleshing out, but then I discover, wow, that was 2 hours?

I have totally embraced the “write a little bit, then take a break, and write some more”. I am doing once scene, then doing something else, to let my creative mind mull over it, and then another scene a few hours later, and this gets me through 10 pages by the end of the day. The intent of the outline and the scenes stays the same, but all those details keep morphing and evolving.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe Finishes Act 3</div><div>

</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

The first time I became aware of the “its ok to not have the answer; the eureka moment will come later” was from a book called “Hare Brain-Tortoise Mind”. I highly recommend it. Without that advice, I don’t think I’d ever have finished some of my proudest accomplishments as an adult. I am going forward, plot holes, running dialogue, and all.. This draft is STILL much closer to a satisfying script than if I hadn’t completed act 3 at all.

</div><div>

</div>

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s continuing Act 3

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This may be the shortest of all my acts. This was the one section of the script that I was most fuzzy about, and I was worried I’d have to flesh it out more with 3 more scenes to make it work. But when I let my main character just give his “solilquy” I discovered that I can just jump cut to him leaving, without all that necessary hooplah. That was a huge relief. I’m starting to feel caught up with the rest of the class now after being behind for 3 weeks!

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe began Act 3</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

While it’s NOT getting easier to get myself to sit down and write, it IS gettting easier to ignore the critics in my mind. As I flesh out the details, i am continually surprised as to the twists and turns and energy that these characters are exuding, and some of my etherial plot-points ARE starting to make some sense. So that part is fun.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Completed Act 2

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I’m getting it fleshed out. Every time i sit to write, I hear that inner-demon saying “this is stereoptyped, this is contrived, there are logic holes, etc. etc.” but there are also several moments when it feels strong and I am surprised at certain things that the characters say and do when I think “now that’s going to attract an actor’ or ‘now that is a trailer moment”. I am also happy about how much my creative mind is letting me veer from the details of the original outline while still keeping to the intent of each scene and/or sequence. I am looking forward to discovering how Hal’s rewrite process is going to make this thing rise above the level of mediocrity.

[Joe Donato]

<div>Joe continues Act 2
</div><div>

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

</div>

OK, today I learned that I spent so many years trying to be “perfect” that I can’t help but wordsmith to some degree. Like an OCD habit, I’ll wordsmith one or two words, just to satisfy my craving, and THEN I realize I’m doing it and MOVE ON.

I feel like I write really really slow, and that I take too many breaks. HOWEVER, I know that a lot of those breaks are necessary to get it right. I did the same thing in school, when I studied, and after a page of feeling “full”. I’d go do something else for a few minutes while I “ingest”. It feels like a similar process now. I AM changing the outline (confession) BUT I am also staying true to the intent of each scene’s purpose. My new varied versions of the scenes hit the point stronger. I’m guessing this is something Hal will have us do in future draft rewrites, and I’m sure I’ll do more of it. So I feel like I’m going slow and steady. For me the STEADY is the crucial part that I can’t forsake.

</div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe began Act 2

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

Well, I set a timer for 30 minutes. In that time, i had at least 3 interruptions, but always returned to the task at hand. And once I got into a flow, I found that the re-adjusted 30 minute timer came by pretty fast, and I just kept going after that.

I think I have a new rule: once you start writing, expect 3 interruptions. Then after the 3rd one, you’ll get into a flow. So when the 3rd interruption happens, don’t get mad. Get excited for the upcoming flow!

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s finished Act One.

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

well, I got to a turning point. It seemed like it took a long time, and I am starting to wonder if my first act actually ends in a different place. But I’m not going to worry about that right now, because I know what has to be written next, so I’m just gonna keep rolling until Act 2 is done.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s next Act 1 scenes

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I was genuinely surprised by how this actually went quite fast. That whole outline thing with the Beginning-Middle-End is such a huge help. Also I’ve discovered that I totally AM changing things at times by adding the details, BUT I am still honoring the original intent of each of the scenes, so its ok.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s first act of first draft.

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This process is quite different for me. I am truly a perfectionist and find myself constantly torn between two extremes: 1 – relief as I give myself the freedom to write at 30 percent quality, 2 – the desire to stop and reflect and mull every few sentences as I remain enslaved to my desire for brilliance at first vomit. However, now at page 30, I also see how “different” the details of the scenes are fleshing out now, while still remaining true to the intent of the original outline. I’m at page 30 but still have 2 more scenes until i get to the scence that the outline defines as Act 1. But It feels like I’ve reached a satisfying end of an act.

STILL, I’ll just keep following the outline. I promise I won’t veer into new territory.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s High Speed writing rules

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: Who knew that writing “crap” could be so emboldening! I learned that I AM in a constant state of pausing to make things seem quality right off the bat. Then I twist and turn and rework just as a natural analytical part of my brain tries to make the tension in the scene balanced. I honestly had no idea how much time is actually passing when I’m fleshing out the scene for the first time. It really is tempting to keep trying to make the scene high quality right from the get-go. I think I counted at least 4 times I almost stopped to pause and break. Erring on the side of mediocrity in the name of productivity is definitely a shake-up for me.

INT. Pizzeria – Day

Lorenzo is hard at work at a dough mixer. There is a crowd of shifty-looking high-school students ordering pizza and shooting straws at girls as Valente enters.

One of the employees, NELSON, sees him entering and quickly heads to warn Lorenzo.

NELSON

Hey Lorenzo, you know who is here.

Lorenzo doesn’t respond, except to roll his eyes.

NELSON

What should I tell him?

LORENZO

I can’t stop now. He’s gonna talk to me like this or he can get in line behind the Gen-Zees.

NELSON

OK I’ll tell him.

Nelson turns back to head towards counter. Valente has already let himself into the kitchen.

LORENZO

(to Valente)

Oh, come right on in your highness. You wanna help? You can start by handing me that box of flour behind you.

Valente turns and looks at the flour. Nelson reaches for it. Valente shifts out of his way.

VALENTE

I’m here for a reason. I thought I’d make the courtesy of telling you there’s a new tenant upstairs.

LORENZO

OK then. So?

VALENTE

She’s probably going to be catering to more upscale clientele than you are used to.

Nelson offers the bag of flour to Lorenzo, he just pushes it away, notioning him to set it down.

LORENZO

And that affects you how?

VALENTE

Well, I’m just sayin’ commons fees might have to go up as I may need to make adjustments to the place.

Lorenzo, clearly annoyed, stops with the dough and stares Valente down.

LORENZO

Wait a sec, you got another tenant upstairs, payin’ rent just like me, and commons fees are going up? If you got another person stupid enough to move into this building, then shouldn’t that mean they should go down?

VALENTE

Commons fees are subject to change, you know the lease says that.

LORENZO

Oh it says that? That commons fees will go up when a new tenant moves in? You’re full of shit.

LANDLORD

I’m just complying with the lease you signed.

LORENZO

Yeah, it also says you need to put the reason in writing, so you best get out of my store and start typing it so I can show my lawyer. And make sure you reference the clause about you’re going to be liable for the legal fees once he calls you on the 3 other lease violations you ARE responsible for. Cappice?

VALENTE

Oh don’t worry you’ll get a letter. Should I also include your lack of clientele managment and responsibility for your own upkeep when there’s pizza boxes and soda cans all over the parking lot all day long?

LORENZO

We clean up every single night. And if your damned security cameras were actually turned on you’d have the footage to prove it.

They sit and stare at each other. The sound of more kids and phones ringing up front spill over to them. Someone calls for Lorenzo from up front.

LORENZO

Hey I gotta go make money so I can pay your bills so, if that’s all you came for, can you please get the hell out of my store?

Valente, now red in the face, bites his tongue and exits.

a disgruntled Lorenzo turns his head towards the counter and sees two customers come in.

FREDDIE & ROXANNE

We’re back! Where’s godfather?

LORENZO

Hey, wassssup? Been almost a week man! Nelson, the linguini platters.

NELSON

Gotcha.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s first scene

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This came out pretty easy. There were a whole bunch of little creative decisions to make, but I had to keep in mind that so long as I stuck to the same plot points as defined in the outline, the spedfics are not important. I can change them and boost them up later. Not getting hung up in description and dialogue specifics was very crucial in keeping me from “stopping”. I need to keep that in mind all this week in order to get caught up, but i’m feeling more confident than I’ve ever felt on any script before that this is do-able.

[Joe Donato]

<font face=”Courier New, monospace”><font size=”2″>My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.</font></font>

<font face=”Courier New, monospace”><font size=”2″>What I learned: This was a tedious and meticulous process at times. I know Hal says not to stop, but I definitely needed to do this in shifts. It helped solve 2 or 3 major plot uncertainties though, and I can see how it made some scenes far more unique. I wonder if some of it is overkill, but I’m guessing I’ll figure that out as the process continues.</font></font>

<font face=”Courier New, monospace”><font size=”2″>Link to Joe’s Fascinating Scenes outline
</font></font>

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s scene requirements.

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I learned a lot about my process. I also learned that sometimes the way I write requres a “sequence” to play out the entire “arc” and “essence”. It took a while to figure this out because I was looking at what should be part 1 of a series of shots and trying to flesh that whole thing out with the five “arc-conflict-subtext-hope/fear” elements, which was just dragging the whole thing out. I finally realized I had to go in the opposite direction and “consolidate”, not “elaborate”. That took a loooong time, but I’m persevering!

Its long so I made a link:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/icz241rptwkev4d/Module%204%20-%20day%209%20-%20scene%20requirements.pdf?dl=0

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Joe Donato.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato’s Intriguing moments:

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: Initially, a lot of these looked like nitpicking-overlap, but as I worked to specify which intrigue was which type, it really helped to define more clearly what’s going on for each character. For example, the difference between “conspiracy” and “covert agenda”. At first, i thought, “what’s the difference” but then I realized that the covert agenda of my two main characters is not a conspiracy because its not evil, which makes us like them, and root for them. But the Landlord’s many hidden agendas ARE conspiracies because they are ill-fated for his tenants. I also added another level of their marriage, by making them initially keep it a secret from their students and clients; and thus, the landlord as well. I see how those simple, yet significant tweaks really make this thing feel like real-life scenarios, as opposed to just contrived plot devices.

Act 1:

Coverup/Mystery/Secret: Why did the landlord tell Emily to stay away from the 3rd floor?

Hidden identity: Who is right, Lorenzo or Landlord? they can’t both be right about the other one.

Scheme: If Lorenzo is right, Landlord is going to royally screw Emily over.

ACT 2:

Mystery/Hidden identity: After eating Lorenzo’s soup, Emily wonders: if he is so good at making wholesome food, why is he slinging pizza to teenagers?

Scheme: Emily is going to figure out who’s telling the truth: Lorenzo or Landlord.

Conspiracy: Emily discovers that landlord has a major health violation on the 3rd floor that he’s covering up.

Covert agenda: Emily and Lorenzo decide to work together to expose landlord (but as far as the landlord is concerned, they both still don’t talk to each other)

Cover up: Emily can’t admit she’s feeling something for Lorenzo. She won’t even admit it to herself!

Superior Position: What’s it gonna take for these two to see they should work together?

ACT 3

Scheme: Those punk kids can’t be trusted! They’re going to rob the store now that Lorenzo is stuck in the elevator!

Scheme: Lorenzo is going to sell the pizza place and move back to Italy.

Scheme: Landlord offers Emily the bottom floor and says he’s going to evict Lorenzo

Cover up: Lorenzo doesn’t tell Emily that he’s leaving for Italy.

Cover up: Emily doesn’t let Lorenzo know that she doesn’t want him to leave.

Superior Position: We are all thinking “are these two gonna see that they are perfect for each other?

Act 4:

Cover up: When Emily doesn’t sign the lease, she lets the landlord think she’s still mulling it over. She never tells him she’s already decided not to sign it the way it is, which makes him stew/grovel/plot.

Cover up/Scheme: Landlord is suddenly suspiciously nice t0 Emily while the studio goes into unsigned-lease, month-to-month payment. Weird. Shouldn’t he be bugging her about signing the lease?

Secret/Conspiracy: Neither Lorenzo or Emily tell their students, customers or the landlord that they are married and living in Italy.

Secret/Covert Agenda: Lorenzo’s uncle puts a clause in his will that goes against the family tradition, and will totally allow Lorenzo and Emily to move back to America.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Emotional moments:

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I see how I have to really choose which of these moments to amplify/focus/minimize, etc. as the story and the themes dictate. I see now how lots of movies (especially rom-coms) heighten and amplify moments for the emotional impact, regardless of whether they help me to believe the story or not (one of my biggest gripes about most rom-coms). I hope I don’t make myself out to be a hypocrite by doing the same thing! I hope I find a balance between delivering a story people can believe, while still delivering on the emotional roller-coaster.

Act 1:

Betrayal & Wound: Emily finds out her partner is bailing on her, which is a double whammy cause it triggers her own wound of not making the audition cut herself.

Excitement & Bonding: Emily can start her very own dance studio in a space with a super supportive landlord

Courage: Lorenzo shows no fear when dealing with the landlord and standing up for his rights.

Sacrifice: Lorenzo & Emily individually pouring everything into their small businesses.

Distress: Elevator breaks down with students in it!

Act 2:

Love: Emily nurtured by Lorenzo, and nourished by his amazing italian soup

Hidden Weakness: Emily can’t admit she’s falling in love with a percieved Nemesis

Moral Dilemma: who is the good guy, who is the bad guy? Lorenzo or Landlord???

Betrayal: Emily discovers the Landlord is the one who can’t be trusted!

Hidden Weakness: Emily has no pragmatic business sense, Lorenzo has no marketing sense (can make stronger by showing each of them have a ‘breakdown’ because of it. then…

Love: Lorenzo comforts Emily with a hug. Emily empowers Lorenzo with a great marketing idea.

***

Act 3:

Surprise, Excitement & bonding: Lorenzo scores big marketing-wise by catering Emily’s recital

Love/Courage: Lorenzo realizes he’s in love with Emily and is going to boldy confess his feelings for her.

Distress, then Emotional Dilemma, then Sacrifice: Lorenzo stuck in elevator, getting robbed, and then deciding he’s failed and is going to give up the shop.

Betrayal: Emily finding out that Landlord wants to evict Lorenzo

Emotional Dilemma: Lorenzo’s gonna leave. Emily still in denial about her feelings, says she supports him, but doesn’t really want him to leave.

***

Act 4:

Courage/Surprise: Emily pursues Lorenzo by showing up in Italy

Love/Surprise: they get married and live in Italy “Happily ever after”

Moral Dilemma/Distress: Emily has guilt about abandoning the studio and her students.

Emotional Dilemma: if Lorenzo goes back to America, he abandons his family’s wishes, but if he stays in Italy, Emily will not grow to her full potential.

Surprise: Uncle has left them money to move back to America and buy the building.

Courage: with the inherited money, they go back to America and renovate the building into Trattoria/artstudio/home.

***Big reveal about the mysterious 3rd floor: is it a positive or negative experience? All I know right now is that it is pivotal, and a game changer because it reveals that the Landlord is the “bad guy”. But is it a positive or negative emotion for Lorenzo & Emily. I think it’s negative at first because they both fear it will affect their business and may force the building to get shut down, but then in the end, they use it to their advantage to buy the building and it becomes a positive.

[Joe Donato]

We see Lorenzo’s dark side and DONT see Landlord’s dark side at first; so we don’t know who to believe, just like Emily.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

Early on; first few scenes.

Question 1: What will you reveal?

Lorenzo isn’t just a pizza maker, he’s got a passion for fine Italian cooking and is really good at it.

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

When he has to take care of Emily, and after she has been neglecting her own dietary needs.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have this reveal work?

The outside image of the pizza shop from the get-go says NOTHING about fine italian cuisine. It totally caters to a “hangout for shifty teenagers” vibe.

Also, Lorenzo is so busy making the business work, he never has any time to cultivate that side of him anyway.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

Early on; all throughout 1st act.

Question 1: What will you reveal?

Emily’s older sister is a hot-shot lawyer who could have saved her a lot of grief if she’d gone to her for business advice early on, but Emily didn’t do this because she was too proud and always felt upstaged by her “professional” sister. Ironically, her sister always felt upstaged by her artsy-glamourous broadway-bound sister.

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

Late in 2nd act, because Emily finally goes to her out of motivation to help Lorenzo, moreso than helping herself.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have each reveal work?

Emily has to be so house-proud from the beginning that she doens’t ask for help. The audience is also led to believe she really doesn’t HAVE anyone like that in her life that she can go to help for.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

Every time a difficult business decision must be made: we question Emily’s quick decision making: looks like false confidence and we cringe that she’s making a bad mistake. Finally she gets humbled and seeks wise counsel.

Question 1: What will you reveal?

Lorenzo comes from a fairly well-to-do family in Italy, but he feels kinda ashamed as if he “abandoned” them when he opened a pizza shop in America: the family was always very adamant about keeping their money in the motherland.

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

Only after Lorenzo is “defeated” and gives up the shop and returns to the motherland.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have this reveal work?

His food and cooking technique is better than all the other pizza shops, but he doesn’t talk about where he got all that skill from. He even shirks it when Emily asks him where he learned to cook.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

All through the first act.

Question 1: What will you reveal?

The secret of the 3rd floor, and why the landlord doesn’t do anything with it. (still don’t know what it is, but when we learn that Emily and Lorenzo turn that space into their home, we will be very happy for them)

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

When Emily goes sleuthing to find out more about the landlord.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have each reveal work?

Landlord just matter of factly says “its off limits” when Emily signs the lease.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

Again; in the 1st act, right off the bat.

Question 1: What will you reveal?

Uncle puts a clause in the will that IF Lorenzo chose to marry the American, over the relatives wishes for him to stay in Italy, then he gets a ton of money to invest into his restaurant; a clause which largely goes against his family’s traditional attitude.

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

It will show up in the end, only AFTER Lorenzo and Emily have decided to live in Italy, and also AFTER Emily feels like they are not meant to stay in Italy, and instead return to America to continue to fight the battle for their livelihoods.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have this reveal work?

-Lorenzo torn between pleasing family, or pleasing himself.

– Show the tension in the family between “keeping it all on home turf” vs. “Expanding the borders of influence.

– Showing the two main reasons for Lorenzo staying in Italy: It gives Emily that “cinderella” feeling, and “the pizza shop wont make enough money in America to do what he really wants to do with his life”.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

Emily and Lorenzo’s entire existence in America in the first 3 acts, affirm the truths that make the Uncle realize what Lorenzo and Emily need. But that’s of course only if Lorenzo chooses his true calling: opening his own restaurant, and getting the girl, even if it goes against what the other family members want.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Character action tracks

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I feel quite confident creating meaningful visual and kinetic moments full of meaning that point to the heart of the story. I’ve always felt this was one of my natural talents that affirms that I should be screenwriting. Breaking this assignment down where I’m forcing the discipline of going individually through every scene with all 3 characters is forcing me to not rest on my laurels, but instead, to mine it for all its worth. But I would never have gone through this exhaustive of a process based on my own disciplines. I may have never even have come up with half these images if not for this assignment.

LORENZO:

Act 1:

Lorenzo is once again fighting with the landlord of his pizza place.

– Engrossed in cooking, but theatrically stops and steps aside to talk to landlord, communicating “I have to shut down production to talk to you”

— totally pursues him, unapologetically covered in flour or pizza sauce while Landlord is in formal business attire

Based on how Lorenzo has seen the landlord treat the past newbie entrepeneurs, he is sure the landlord will take advantage of Emily (financially, not sexually) but since she’s being so cold to him, he thinks she’s stuck up, so he doesn’t care. He figures she wont last long.

–When Emily walks by in latin dance attire like an exotic princess, Lorenzo turns back to his food un-distracted and flings pizza dough like its his own dance.

Emily confronts Lorenzo accusing him of negligence, but Lorenzo’s not having any of that! He tries to warn her about the Landlord: tells her what a liar he is, but she doesn’t believe him. They both think the other one is a threat to their business’ success in some way.

-again, like with the landlord, has to abruptly and disgruntingly “halt production” on some large dough mixer or something to talk to her.

–Holds a large open container of anchovies while he talks to her. She looks like Mary Poppins, he looks like Dick Van Dyke after a chimney sweep.

A devoted long-time customer of Lorenzo’s is talking to him about the new teacher, encouraging him to check her out. He says he needs way more than a pretty face and hot body; he needs character; substance (“I’m not a sweets guy, its about the umami for me!”)

— Another food item, only its some meat-based savory pizza or steak or bacon roast or soup or lasagna coming out of the oven, fresh and steaming.

Emily’s studio is good for Lorenzo’s business ’cause her students eat at his place before and after classes. He just has to be careful he never tells them what he really thinks of their beloved teacher.

— he opens the door for his customers like a broadway star bowing to famous people on the red carpet (the customers are the red carpet celebrities. He is an usher)

–they leave some kind of trinket from Emily’s studio on his table and behind their back, he snags it and sneaks it into the trashcan.

Lorenzo and Emily individually pour everything they got into making their seperate small businesses work while still avoiding each other. They are clearly masters of their craft. But there is also a void in their lives as they wholeheartedly make personal sacrifices for their studio on a daily level. (montage)

— Lonely moment; alone with the logo from the anchovy staring at him while he does late night paperwork in his cramped office space.

–what else?

One day while overworked and undernourished, Emily falls when the railing gives out.

Lorenzo finds her

–He’s carrying a giant stack of pizza boxes; seemingly overwhelming visually, but he balances them like a trapeze artist juggling bowling balls. He instantly abandons them with ease and grace to cater to his wounded accuser.

Lorenzo helps her recover in his shop, where he feeds her a fresh batch of his special homemade soup, meeting two big neglected needs of hers

–Lorenzo is smart, but he’s so used to praises for his food, so he doesn’t pick up on it (despite how obvious it is to the audience)

ACT 2

Lorenzo is excellent at the nuts and bolts of a brick and mortar store and balancing budgets, but doesn’t know how to market himself. (a seperate scene or montage for each of them)

— in department store, comparing food, not for price but for quality of ingredients, and overhearing a couple discussing choosing a competitor of Lorenzo’s because of an advertising campaign. He snags the magazine with the ad out from their shopping cart without them seeing.

Landlord is clearly defined as two-faced and Lorenzo is justified.

–When Emily tells him, he spins pizza boxes in his hand while trying not to look smug about it.

Emily lets Lorenzo take the lead on defending themselves against the landlord.

–Suddenly appears booksmart as he brainstorms plans at his desk. No food prep props needed this time; no smugness.

They also help each other out even more with their business needs when Emily lets Lorenzo cater the end-of-the-year recital/celebration in the studio.

— he wheels in food like a servant bringing in a banquet for a king. The soundtrack would be playing “be our guest” from Disney’s beauty and the beast if we could do it without getting sued.

Emily sees that Lorenzo was right about Landlord and admits it to him. Lorenzos feelings for Emily as a “partner” really blossom on several layers, but it also fuels Lorenzo’s fighting spirit and he’s ready to go on the offense for Emily’s sake.

–Lorenzo gets animated, bouncing about like Mohammad Ali, punching fists together.

Lorenzo realizes he’s got feelings for her, and is ready to confess his feelings for her. Since he’s got a lot of gifts with him, he takes the elevator, and gets stuck in it. While he’s stuck in there, the punk teenagers who are always loitering in the parking lot rob the store.

–Going in and out of elevator and back to shop 3 different times to; make soup, clean shoes, shave, take off apron, etc.

–banging on the walls of the elevator. Doing his absolute best to jump up to the roof and break out. Throwing flowers against the wall. Collapsing on the floor as they fall back onto him like flowers on a grave.

ACT 3

Lorenzo confronts the landlord again about the elevator. it’s heated. Lorenzo feels completely justified and landlord is in denial, so deep down it’s comical from Lorenzo’s point of view, but scary to the landlord, who could be facing a very real lawsuit.

— This time he’s dressed clean and proper. Maybe even wearing a tie.

–Maybe he walk-chases the landlord around the building with a “where you goin’ little punk? demeanor.

She takes the elevator to warn Lorenzo. He’s already in there coming up to visit her. Alone in the elevator, he tells her that Lorenzo’s aging uncle in Italy is finally dying, so he’s taking time off to visit the motherland and be with him. She gives him her blessing, but the subtext clearly communicates that she doesn’t want him to go.

— totally wants to kiss her but totally holding back. Can’t stop eyeing her up though, but won’t say anything at all about his feelings.

Act 4:

4th Act Climax:

Lorenzo has been in Italy several months now, living with his family. He’s happy, but still single, but there’s lots of options with local Italian women. He also has been discussing his dream of opening his own restaurant in Italy with his uncle being the main financier. But then, guess who shows up and wants him to return to America.

— Lorenzo appears youthful: 10 years younger. In his families kitchen, he moves like a maestro, or mohammad ali, but he’s also in there with 3 other older italian women who are having fun bossing him around. He wholeheartedly rises to their challenges.

— then he sees emily and he totally freezes up. He drops a piece of succulent savory food, letting it fall to the ground.

He debates going back to America, but instead, he convinces her to stay in Italy. Despite her devotion to her students, just once she allows herself this Cinderella fantasy and they get married and decide to live in Italy indefinitely.

— Full of joy at the reception as he dances with relatives, and relatives sweep Emily off of her feet.

–Lorenzo learning to dance, finally!

When the uncle dies, Lorenzo finds out that he put a clause in his will, that since Lorenzo chose to go back the girl instead of staying in Italy, he has inherited a boatload of cash. But it was only if he chose the girl. Good thing he did.

–Lorenzo crying thinking about the love and guiding spirit of his uncle.

They convert the 3rd floor into an apartment with a dance floor and outdoor cooking area on the roof. But this space is just for them, off-limits to clientele. They vow that when they are up there together they cannot be doing business-related stuff; strictly personal. (There’s a day-bed too)

–Lorenzo tempted to start writing up a menu for the Trattorio.

–Tempted to answer phone call from a distributor.

–Looking at a competitors ad on his phone, then at Emily’s eyes. they compete for his attention. He surrenders to Emily.

–dancing now, and he’s getting better.

EMILY:

Act 1:

Meanwhile, Emily learns that her business partner is bailing on her on the day of signing of the lease for their new off-broadway dance studio, Turns out she made the cut in a new show (Emily didn’t). In a sort of retaliation, Emily finds the first space she can in the suburbs above Lorenzo’s pizza shop. She tells the landlord she wants to sign that day, so please have the lease ready.

–first enraged when answering phone, then hearing the news of her partner bailing, ready to judge her like a coward. then when she hears its cause she got the part in the new show, she’s completely deflated. Then defiant as she moves forward without her.

–feigning “I’m a smart businesswoman” to landlord as she makes the blatant rookie mistake of telling him she’s signing today before even seeing the place.

The suspiciously extra-friendly Landlord warns her about Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner and his main clientele: the punk teenagers that hang out in front of his store. He also tells her that the elevator doesn’t go to the 3rd floor, but its not safe up there anyway so no reason to go there. She believes him and decides to steer clear of Lorenzo as much as possible.

–sternly inspects dance floor, then spins like a gleeful child on it. After that she pretends to pay attention when landlord talks about AC-Heating maintenance, but then plays with the recessed lighting like they’re stage lights.

Elevator breaks down with one of Emily’s students in it, and another student cancels their lession because she has a phobia of rickety steps. The landlord leads her to believe it’s the fault of Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner. She believes him.

–embarrassed beyond belief.

— then enraged and totally promising student she’s going to rip the pizza guys a new one.

Emily confronts Lorenzo accusing him of negligence, but Lorenzo’s not having any of that! He tries to warn her about the Landlord: tells her what a liar he is, but she doesn’t believe him. They both think the other one is a threat to their business’ success in some way.

–cold, defensive, and unintentionally condescending. She stands her ground but also retreats when its clear this is not her turf.

Lorenzo and Emily individually pour everything they got into making their seperate small businesses work while still avoiding each other. They are clearly masters of their craft. But there is also a void in their lives as they wholeheartedly make personal sacrifices for their studio on a daily level. (montage)

–Montage of her totally giving everything she’s got to students in both word and deed (like Jennifer Lopez in Shall We Dance)

–Students linger cause they love the way they feel there, but when she finally closed down and they leave, she collapses on the couch.

One day while overworked and undernourished, Emily falls when the railing gives out. Lorenzo helps her recover in his shop, where he feeds her a fresh batch of his special homemade soup, meeting two big neglected needs of hers; one physical (good food) and the other emotional (nurturing companionship)

–The subtext is thick with Emily’s denial of her new feelings, she is awfully inquisitive and curious, wide-eyed and even blushing; fighting to regain composure: “remember, he’s the enemy!” she has to tell herself

ACT 2

They agree to start to work together for the good of both their businesses. Lorenzo says to trust him that the landlord is the problem. She’s not sure who to trust, so is more skeptical, but is still going forward with Lorenzo’s plans. In her mind, she is “testing” both Lorenzo AND the landlord.

Emily is excellent with her promotional/marketing talents,

–canvassing on the street corner and local community day events with impromptu announcements on loudspeaker as part of an otherwise lackluster program: she can be in a miserable mood, but totally choose to be the life of the party and “turn it on” for the 5 minutes when she is the main attraction.

but lacks basic business managment sense.

–overpays to vendors, orders extravagant bric-a-brac to promote her studio.

Emily’s students start to see how they would be great for each other, but Emily is still in denial about her feelings.

–gerat at changing the subject and reverting to looking like a middle-schooler (like Molly Ringwald in 16 candles when Jake first talks to her)

Emily rises to Lorenzo’s challenge to revisit who’s fault the elevator is: Lorenzo or the Landlord. She does some sleuthing about the 3rd floor and/or the previous tenant.

–plays the naiive innocent lost femme-fatale when interviewing previous tenants.

They also help each other out even more with their business needs when Emily lets Lorenzo cater the end-of-the-year recital/celebration in the studio.

–announces him boldly without stumbling, but when he enters with the whole “be our guest” demeanor, she loses her confidence.

ACT 3

Emily’s business is growing, and she has matured in some of her business skills. the landlord makes an offer to her for an “upgrade” to move downstairs. When she says “what about Lorenzo” he says he’s probably going to evict Lorenzo.

–she hides her emotion and has learned to talk more business-like to landlord, and less “buddy buddy”

She takes the elevator to warn Lorenzo. He’s already in there coming up to visit her. Alone in the elevator, he tells her that Lorenzo’s aging uncle in Italy is finally dying, so he’s taking time off to visit the motherland and be with him. She gives him her blessing, but the subtext clearly communicates that she doesn’t want him to go.

–self explanatory.

Act 4:

Its been 2 years since Emily moved in and a new owner is taking over Lorenzo’s. Landlord is pressuring Emily to sign a 5 year leasel; but she’ll have to pay for elevator expenses.

–she takes the lease papers in hand with extreme caution: like they’re radioactive.

The new owner has taken over the pizza shop, the void is extremely apparent to Emily.

–She orders lots of food from him like she’s a big shot food critic and/or health inspector. She asks what kind of soup they have, and looks very disappointed at the mediocre options.

She wants Lorenzo back and decides to track him down and try to convince him to come back and buy a building with her.

-Running through airport with plane ticket in pocket, looking like she doesn’t want anyone to know its her.

4th Act Climax:

Emily tells him what its like without him. She spills her guts and confesses her love for him.

–She totally falls in love with Lorenzo’s family and when Lorenzo walks in, she’s teaching a group line dance.

He debates going back to America, but instead, he convinces her to stay in Italy. Despite her devotion to her students, just once she allows herself this Cinderella fantasy and they get married and decide to live in Italy indefinitely.

–totally plays up the bella-de-ball for the whole ceremony.

It seems picturesque, but… no. Emily is still not happy

–she spots something that suddenly triggers her guilt about abandoning the studio; leaving both the students, and her landlord hanging.

She works with him, but also rents the 2nd floor to other teachers and manages as the studio diva.

–Hiring/vetting new teachers, she seems like a shrewd businesswoman, and the newbie teachers sense that and give her the respect she commands.

They convert the 3rd floor into an apartment with a dance floor and outdoor cooking area on the roof. But this space is just for them, off-limits to clientele. They vow that when they are up there together they cannot be doing business-related stuff; strictly personal. (There’s a day-bed too)

–Glaring at him across the table doesn’t work, so instead she slinks up to him while he’s on the phone and starts to do sultry blues dancing; enticing him over to the day bed.

LANDLORD:

Act 1:

The landlord returns the hostility with Ralph Kramden-style warnings about eviction, etc.

–self explanatory. let the actor run with this.

The suspiciously extra-friendly Landlord warns her about Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner and his main clientele: the punk teenagers that hang out in front of his store. He also tells her that the elevator doesn’t go to the 3rd floor, but its not safe up there anyway so no reason to go there.

–Very quickly changes tone to play the victim to Lorenzo’s supposed negligence. But when he talks about 3rd floor, he is cold, and won’t say anything more other than “don’t go up there”.

The landlord leads her to believe it’s the fault of Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner. She believes him.

–Throws a fit when he sees the damage the fire department did when they came to rescue the trapped students. Blames them for negligence.

ACT 3

Lorenzo confronts the landlord again about the elevator. it’s heated. Lorenzo feels completely justified and landlord is in denial, so deep down it’s comical from Lorenzo’s point of view, but scary to the landlord, who could be facing a very real lawsuit.

–Landlord “runs” away with his tail between his legs at the mention of “lawsuit”, but continues to throw false threats at Lorenzo verbally, but his voice is shaken. They are comical. He trips over a trash can in the parking lot.

The landlord makes an offer to her for an “upgrade” to move downstairs. When she says “what about Lorenzo” he says he’s probably going to evict Lorenzo.

–Makes offer to Emily using “late night DJ” voice. But it totally changes when she asks about Lorenzo. You can see it in his eyes. His eviction statement is filled with hostility.

— When he offers her the new 5 year lease, he hands it to her with a pen in hand, clicked on, really expecting her to sign like she did last time. But she doesnt.

— He becomes blatantly over-friendly to her for the next month and doesn’t mention the lease at all.

They buy the building from the disgruntled landlord

–He does a big fake “thank you thank you” song and dance as he signs the paperwork, but you can tell he’s got lots of unresolved pride-based anger about it as he walks backwards through parking lot, yelling back at Lorenzo.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s new outline beats

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I was watching the Duffer Brothers masterclass on masterclass.com last month, and they talked about how they would spend weeks on an outline, and because of that, the script was so easy and quick to write. I totally get that now and I am sensing that there is still more that can be, and will be, done to this outline over the next few assignments.

Lorenzo is once again fighting with the landlord of his pizza place. He accuses the landlord of overcharging him and not fixing things according to the lease specifications. Lorenzo calls him on what he calls his BS defenses. The landlord returns the hostility with Ralph Kramden-style warnings about eviction, etc. Lorenzo doesn’t even flinch.

Meanwhile, Emily learns that her business partner is bailing on her on the day of signing of the lease for their new off-broadway dance studio, Turns out she made the cut in a new show (Emily didn’t). In a sort of retaliation, Emily finds the first space she can in the suburbs above Lorenzo’s pizza shop. She tells the landlord she wants to sign that day, so please have the lease ready.

The suspiciously extra-friendly Landlord warns her about Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner and his main clientele: the punk teenagers that hang out in front of his store. She believes him and decides to steer clear of Lorenzo as much as possible.

Based on how Lorenzo has seen the landlord treat the past newbie entrepeneurs, he is sure the landlord will take advantage of Emily (financially, not sexually) but since she’s being so cold to him, he thinks she’s stuck up, so he doesn’t care. He figures she wont last long.

Turning Point 1: Elevator breaks down with one of Emily’s students in it, and another student cancels their lession because she has a phobia of rickety steps. The landlord leads her to believe it’s the fault of Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner. She believes him.

Turning Point 1: Emily confronts Lorenzo accusing him of negligence, but Lorenzo’s not having any of that! He tries to warn her about the Landlord: tells her what a liar he is, but she doesn’t believe him. They both think the other one is a threat to their business’ success in some way.

Emily’s studio is good for Lorenzo’s business ’cause her students eat at his place before and after classes. He just has to be careful he never tells them what he really thinks of their beloved teacher.

Lorenzo and Emily individually pour everything they got into making their seperate small businesses work while still avoiding each other. They are clearly masters of their craft. But there is also a void in their lives as they wholeheartedly make personal sacrifices for their studio on a daily level.

One day while overworked and undernourished, Emily falls when the railing gives out. Lorenzo helps her recover in his shop, where he feeds her a fresh batch of his special homemade soup, meeting two big neglected needs of hers; one physical (good food) and the other emotional (nurturing companionship) The subtext is thick with Emily’s denial of her new feelings. Lorenzo is smart, but he’s so used to praises for his food, so he doesn’t pick up on it (despite how obvious it is to the audience)

They agree to start to work together for the good of both their businesses. Lorenzo says to trust him that the landlord is the problem. She’s not sure who to trust, so is more skeptical, but is still going forward with Lorenzo’s plans. In her mind, she is “testing” both Lorenzo AND the landlord.

Act 2:

While each of them continue to deliver excellent product that attracts people, it becomes clear to each of them that that’s still not enough for a business to succeed. Emily is excellent with her promotional/marketing talents, but lacks basic business managment sense. Lorenzo is excellent at the nuts and bolts of a brick and mortar store and balancing budgets, but doesn’t know how to market himself. (a seperate scene for each of them)

All their customers start to see how they would be great for each other, but Lorenzo doesn’t see it and Emily is in denial about it.

Emily rises to Lorenzo’s challenge to revisit who’s fault the elevator is: Lorenzo or the Landlord. Emily does some sleuthing and Lorenzo is justified. Landlord is clearly defined as two-faced and is clearly the problem. They start to plan and plot on how to defend themselves and help each other out with their business needs.

Emily sees that Lorenzo was right about Landlord and admits it to him. Lorenzos feelings for Emily as a “partner” really blossom on several layers, but it also fuels Lorenzo’s fighting spirit and he’s ready to go on the offense for Emily’s sake.

Lorenzo realizes he’s got feelings for her, and is ready to confess his feelings for her. Since he’s got a lot of gifts with him, he takes the elevator, and gets stuck in it. While he’s stuck in there, the punk teenagers who are always loitering in the parking lot rob the store.

This makes him finally start to re-think his life and his devotion to this pizza place. He finally realizes how much of his happiness he’s been sacrificing for that place. He decides to let the pizza shop go but keeps it to himself.

She takes the elevator to warn Lorenzo and finds out that Lorenzo’s rich beloved uncle in Italy is dying, so he’s taking time off and go to visit the motherland and be with him for a few days. She gives him her blessing, but the subtext clearly communicates that she doesn’t want him to go.

Act 4: Its been 2 years since Emily moved in and a new owner is taking over Lorenzo’s. Landlord is pressuring Emily to sign a 5 year leasel; but she’ll have to pay for elevator expenses. He also tells her he’s evicted Lorenzo. (she doesn’t believe him)

After Lorenzo leaves, and a new owner takes over the pizza shop, the void is extremely apparent to Emily. She wants Lorenzo back and decides to track him down and try to convince him to come back and buy a building with her.

4th Act Climax:

Lorenzo has been in Italy several months now, living with his family. He’s happy, but still single, but there’s lots of options with local Italian women. He also has been discussing his dream of opening his own restaurant in Italy with his uncle being the main financier. But then, guess who shows up and wants him to return to America.

Emily tells him what its like without him. She spills her guts and confesses her love for him.

He debates going back to America, but instead, he convinces her to stay in Italy. Despite her devotion to her students, just once she allows herself this Cinderella fantasy and they get married and decide to live in Italy indefinitely.

It seems picaresque, but… no. Emily is still not happy, and Lorenzo can tell, even though they don’t say anything directly about it.

When the uncle dies, Lorenzo finds out that he put a clause in his will, that since Lorenzo chose to go back the girl instead of staying in Italy, he has inherited a boatload of cash. But it was only if he chose the girl. Good thing he did.

With all that money, they move back to America, buy the building from the disgruntled landlord, buy out the new pizza guy, refurbish and turn the downstairs into an upscale Italian trattorio. She works with him, but also rents the 2nd floor to other teachers and manages as the studio diva.

They convert the 3rd floor into an apartment with a dance floor and outdoor cooking area on the roof, where they vow that when they are up there together they cannot be doing business-related stuff; strictly personal.

[Joe Donato]

JOE’S DEEPER LAYERS:

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: Wow, going that extra mile by creating TWO separate protagonist/antagonist structures for both Rom-Com leads was really significant in making this outline thingy fit the vision in my head for this film! What a great thing to really help deliver this script from the looming “another formulated cliche rom-com” fate I fear! I’ve already gone back twice and refined both of them. I can’t wait to use this tool for the previous rom-com script I wrote last year. That script has been sitting in limbo, waiting for me to get back to work on it.

Surface Layer: Emily and Lorenzo are individually pouring everything they got into making their seperate small businesses work independently while occupying the same building. They both think the other one is a threat to their business’ success in some way.

Deeper Layer: When working together to fight the landlord, they are actually laying the foundation for becoming soulmates.

Major Reveal: Emily discovers that the Landlord is two-faced and has been lying to her about Lorenzo and the elevator. She must team up with him. When she eats his homemade soup, it meets a deep need/desire she realizes she’s been neglecting and she starts falling for him. He realizes he’s falling for her…. WHEN? Definitley later somewhere… Somehow she meets another need/desire of his that he’s been neglecting… recreational companionship? sex?

Influences Surface Story – When they reluctantly start working together to fight the landlord, they discover that the other one has a key strength that they lack (Emily is excellent with her promotional/marketing talents, but lacks basic business managment sense. Lorenzo is excellent at the nuts and bolts of a brick and mortar store and balancing budgets, but doesn’t know how to market himself. (Both deliver excellent product that attracts people, but that’s not enough for a business to succeed).

Hints: All their customers can see how they would be great for each other, but Lorenzo doesn’t see it and Emily is in denial about it. We see individual scenes of each of them being masters of their craft, so we see how much they have in common in that sense. We also see the void in their lives as they “sacrifice” their personal happiness for their studio; on a daily level, so we are aware that they both have this deep psychological need for intimate physical and emotional companionship that is getting neglected.

Changes Reality: After Lorenzo leaves, and a new owner takes over the pizza shop, the void is extremely apparent to Emily. She wants Lorenzo back and decides to track him down and try to convince him to come back and buy a building with her.

EMILY’S JOURNEY:

Beginning: Emily’s partner bails on her. She decides to sign the lease all on her own. Landlord warns her about Lorenzo and his main clientele: the punk teenagers that hang out in front of his store. She believes him and tries to avoid him at all costs.

Inciting Incident: Elevator breaks down and students cancel lesson (one of them has a phobia of the rickety steps)

Turning Point 1: Emily gets hurt coming down steps. Lorenzo takes care of her, feeding her his special homemade soup, meeting two big neglected needs of hers. The subtext is thick with Emily’s denial of her new feelings. Lorenzo is smart, but he’s so used to praises for his soup, he doesn’t pick up on it, despite how obvious it is to the audience. (Also, Emily doesn’t WANT it to be true because she still believes what the Landlord told her about him.)

Act 2: Emily forced to reconcile with who’s fault the elevator is: Lorenzo or the Landlord.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: They start to work together for the good of both their businesses. Lorenzo says to trust him that the landlord is the problem. She’s not sure who to trust, so is more skeptical, but is still going forward with Lorenzo’s plans. In her mind, she is “testing” the landlord, but she’s also testing Lorenzo at the same time.

Act 3: Lorenzo is justified. Landlord is clearly defined as two-faced and is clearly the problem. (overcharging them, not fixing the elevator, lying to them).

Turning Point 3: Lorenzo goes to profess his love to Emily, but he takes the elevator, but the punk kids trap him in it and rob him. he decides to get out of the business and go to Italy to decompress and visit with his dying uncle. He might stay there.

Act 4 Climax: Emily goes to Italy to track him down and profess her love to him and convince him to go into debt and buy the building with her, but instead, he convinces her to stay in Italy. Despite her devotion to her students, just once she allows herself this Cinderella fantasy and they get married and live in Italy indefinitely.

Resolution: Turns out that since they got married, Lorenzo’s dying uncle leaves them all the money they need to buy the building, so they return to America together and turn the building into their dream home/art center/dance studio/italian Trattorio.

LORENZO’S JOURNEY:

Beginning: Lorenzo has battles with Landlord overcharging him, but Lorenzo calls him on his BS every time, so they don’t like each other from the getgo.

Inciting Incident: Emily moves in. Lorenzo knows how the landlord treats young entrepeneurs, but also thinks she’s stuck up, so he believes she wont last long.

Turning Point 1: Lorenzo is impressed with Emily’s persistance/spirit. He doesn’t care so much that she blames him, but to keep the peace, and in an effor to see justice done, he comes up with a plan to prove the landlord is the bad guy, and not him… IF Emily will listen to him.

Act 2: Emily sees that Lorenzo was right about Landlord and ends up really helping to create change where Lorenzo’s fighting with him over the years proved fruitless. Lorenzos feelings for Emily as a “partner” really blossom.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Lorenzo realizes he’s in love, and decides to profess his feeelings for her, but gets stuck in the elevator and gets robbed. He realizes how much of his happiness he’s been sacrificing for that place, and decides to let it go.

Act 3: He’s in Italy now, with his family. He’s happy, but still single, but there’s lots of options with local italian women. But then, guess who shows up and wants him to return to America.

Act 4 Climax: He debates going back to America… But he offers for Emily to stay in Italy instead… So she does…

Resolution: but then Uncle dies, and leaves them lots of money, so they go back to America and buy the building. Lorenzo turns the pizza joint into an upscale Trattorio.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Character structure

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: Because of all the work I did before, this wasn’t that difficult. And the act of stepping away and coming back later, did allow me to come up with two more significant things that I feel made the plot points stronger for the all-so-crucial “wedge” near the end that prevents the two star-crossed lovers from getting together. I was also able to flesh out another point of drama, which not only added realism, but gave more empathy and motivation the main male lead to help fuel his inner struggle.

Emily:

Beginning: She has a run on broadway as a dancer for the first time, then she doesn’t make the cut on a 2nd show, and has to move out of manhattan into the suburbs.

Inciting incident: She was all set to open her own dance studio with a partner, but her partner bailed on her last minute (don’t know her reason yet: maybe she met a guy). So she decides to sign the lease for a space above a pizza shop and do it herself.

Turning Point 1: The elevator breaks down with one of her students in it, and the landlord leads her to believe it’s the fault of Lorenzo, the pizza shop owner. She believes him.

Act 2: They are at odds with each other and Emily wants to vindicate her opinion of the landlord and teach Lorenzo a lesson (or prove him wrong, or frame him, or something like that)

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: She falls when the railing gives out. Lorenzo helps her recover in his shop, and after tasting his soup, she realizes that the pizza guy is right about the landlord and starts to soften up to him (but she tries to hide it). They start to plan and plot on how to defend themselves and help each other out with their business needs.

Act 3: Its been 2 years and landlord is pressuring her to sign a 5 year lease, but she’ll have to pay for elevator expenses. he says he’s evicting the pizza guy. She doesn’t want him to go.

Turning Point 3: Lorenzo tells her he’s leaving the shop to be with his dying uncle in Italy.

4th Act Climax: She buys the building from the landlord and then goes to Italy to track down Lorenzo and tell him.

Resolution: They get married, remodel, and refurbish and turn the downstairs into an Italian eatery. She works with him, and rents out the upstairs to other teachers.

Beginning: After running his pizza shop for years, Lorenzo knows that the landlord is shifty, and that he has to always fight with him for what’s fair.

Inciting incident: New tenant upstairs; Emily, a stuck-up self-centered dance teacher.

Turning Point 1: Emily accuses him of not keeping up with his lease obligations, but Lorenzo’s not having any of that! He tries to warn her about the Landlord: tells her what a liar he is, but she doesn’t believe him.

Act 2: Emily’s studio is good for business cause her students eat at his place. He just has to be careful he never tells them what he really thinks of their beloved teacher. But she’s not making it any easier for him since she wounded his pride.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: When she falls from the bad railing, Lorenzo is vindicated, and he feeds her some of his special italian soup that he’s been up late cooking. They are civil to each other for the first time and he finally feels respected by her.

Act 3: He realizes he’s got feelings for her, and is ready to confess his feelings for her, but gets stuck in the elevator. While he’s stuck in there, the punk teenagers who are always loitering in the parking lot rob the store. Turns out they’re the ones who made the elevator get stuck. This makes him finally start to re-think his life and his devotion to this pizza place.

Turning Point 3:

4th Act Climax: His rich beloved uncle in Italy is dying. He decides to take time off and go to visit the motherland and be with him for a few days. He may not come back. But Emily shows up in Italy and tells him that the building is for sale. She tells him that if he comes back to America, she’ll buy the building and he can turn the pizza place into an upscale trattoria. He’s torn, but chooses her.

Resolution: When the uncle dies, he finds out that he put a clause in his will, that since Lorenzo chose to go back the girl instead of staying in Italy, he has inherited enough money to buy the building himself. But it was only if he chose the girl. Good thing he did.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Supporting Characters

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I learned to just go with your ideas, let them flow. Its ok to have too many characters, so long as they have a role. I can condense/evolve/consolidate, as I write. But conceiving each of these was great. This “realm” is really starting to come to life for me.

2. Tell us your supporting and background characters.

Supporting Characters:

Lorenzo’s 2 main employees Nelson and Liz

Lorenzo’s 2 most devoted customers, Freddie and Roxanne

Emily’s 2 most devoted students Tanner and Ashton

Emily’s sister

The town Zoning commisioner

Lorenzo’s Italian great uncle

Background Characters: Other employees of Lorenzo, other students of Emily’s.

Lorenzo’s other Italian relatives

Emily’s parents.

local townspeople who are potential customers of Lorenzo and Emily.

3. Focusing on those supporting characters, fill in the basic profile for each.

Support 1:

Name: Lorenzo’s 2 main loyal employees, Nelson and Liz

Role: They keep the shop running when Lorenzo isn’t there.

Main purpose: Lorenzo feels totally guilty when he wants to leave the shop to go see Emily, but the two of them can handle it. Really, they can!

Value: To show that Lorenzo does have options if he wants to cut back on work and/or train them for other responsibilities. They also do much of the heavy lifting of the typical “best friend” role in the standard Rom Com, asking questions like “don’t you get lonely? Emily called again. What do you really think of her? Did you hear what our competition is doing now? you won’t like it!

Support 2:

Name: Freddie and Roxanne

Role: Lorenzo’s 2 most devoted customers.

Main purpose: They are Lorenzo’s main source of successful advertising: word-of-mouth. They’re almost like business partners and clue him in on what the competition is doing.

Value: They help to serve as the voice of reason, best-friend role. They also help to deliver the message to Lorenzo that he’s got Emily all wrong.

Support 3:

Name: Tanner and Ashton

Role: 2 of Emily’s most devoted students

Main purpose: Voice of Reason/Best friend role for Emily. She doesn’t talk to them like friends because she’s trying to keep it professional, but it’s all there in the subtext.

Value: a nice twist on the best-friend role. Because of their interactions, we will know what Emily is thinking and feeling through the subtext of their conversations, even when Emily is in denial about it.

Support 4:

Name: Sarah Reisling

Role: Emily’s sister

Main purpose: She’s a smart lawyer, and Emily finally goes to her for legal advice about the landlord, but she resists for a long time ’cause of “you’ve always been Mom & dad’s favorite” chip that Emily has.

Value: Brings to light Emily’s stubbornness and pride, and unwillingness to admit she needs help in legal and business decisions.

Support 5:

Name: Brandon Wells

Role: Town Zoning commisioner

Main purpose: Helps to reveal the history of the building and the landlord, and affirms that the problems they are having are not Emily and Lorenzo’s fault, but are really the landlord’s problem. He’s also kind of afraid to stand up to Landlord until he has to.

Value: Helps reveal the truth about the Landlord to a fearful Emily, as well as to the audience. Also affirms that its ok to feel fear; making the situation more relatable to the audience.

Support 6:

Name: Luigi Locatelli

Role: Great Uncle in Italy who watches over Lorenzo from afar.

Main purpose: He is dying and has lots of money that he will give to Lorenzo, if Lorenzo makes the right decision of sacrificing his pizza shop for the girl.

Value: Will move the final plot along by helping provide the final test for Lorenzo. Lorenzo doesn’t know it yet, but if Lorenzo chooses the girl over the pizza shop, he gets Luigi’s money.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Character profiles, part 2

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: It’s getting easier to narrow down their traits, or to think I have “enough”, but through this some key ideas are getting more solidified. One of my problems with my last script that I’m still rewriting is that the characters had too much going on.. in an attempt to make sure my characters had depth and multi-dimensions, my characters had too many dilemmas; problems; character traits. The next time I go through this list, I hope to chisel down more than I add.

2. With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

Character Name: Lorenzo Locatelli

A. High Concept: A blue-collar business owner/aspiring chef who falls for upscale dancer who owns a studio above his pizza shop.

B. This character’s journey: Thinks the new teacher who rents upstairs is not only from another world, but way to stuck-up and prejudiced. He feels sorry for the poor shmo who ends up with her. But while getting to know her as they fight against their sleazy landlord together, he realizes he’s got her all wrong. He ends up willing to give up his future business plans for her.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

– He’s a blue-collar guy with lots of loveable energy, who ultimately wins the heart of the “Uptown girl”

– He seems like an extroverted opinionated control freak at first but he’s really got a huge heart.

– He slings pizza dough and other culinary delights like a master sculptor but never talks about how awesome he is (only how awesome the food is)

– He is alone for noble reasons, but is initially blind to the fact that he should give Emily a chance

– He stands up to the landlord and comes to Emily’s defense when she needs it.

– He’s passionate and charismatic enough to draw a crowd of devoted customers.

– He’s very much an everyman, so we all can relate to him because he lives and works on our level, but is a master craftsman in the kitchen… turns out in the bedroom too!

– He is “king of the castle” in his domain of the pizza parlor, but take him out of that comfort zone, like on a dance floor, or courtroom, and he’s introverted and sinks into his shell.

– He thinks he’s making the most mature, somber decision of his life to leave pizza store, but by leaving Emily in America, he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life. At that point, he’s ready to swing in on a vine (or Elevator cable) to rescue her, no holds barred.

– Everything’s out on the table; on the nose; guns blazing, which is a turn off to Emily, but his actions make him a hypocrite, when he tells people he’s not int0 Emily.

– Before Emily, his biggest relationship is the one with his pizza parlor, as he’s ready to give it all up, as much as Abraham was ready to give up Isaac to sacrifice to God. Later, that’s exactly how he feels about Emily, and is ready to give up the pizza shop for her.

– He’s such an extrovert, but is a creative and passionate soul, so he’ll probably use colorful metaphors with the things he loves the most: his food, his pizza parlor, and his livelihood, like it’s fine artwork, a sanctuary, and a sacred order. His family and his homeland are next in line as well: his trip to the motherland of Italy is a “pilgramage”, and to make Emily his clan would be the ultimate expression of acceptance and inclusion into a most sacred order.

Character Name: Emily Wakefield

A. The High Concept: After not making the cut in a 2nd Broadway show, she decides to open her own dance studio, but must settle for a suburban location above a seedy looking pizza shop.

B. This character’s journey: The landlord leads her to believe she can’t trust the pizza owner, but over time, she learns it is the landlord she can’t trust, and ends up falling in love with the pizza maker. He teaches her how to deal with her own inner-demons that she’s a “failed broadway dancer” and forces her to discover how she uses prejudices to protect her from things she is naiive about.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

– She is an extremely beautiful dancer and performer but is also an excellent down-to-earth teacher.

– She is not afraid to rise to the challenges of owning and running her own business. She refuses to be put in a box, and will accept any challenge thrown at her.

– She goes through the journey of the initial clash with Lorenzo, to finally wanting to build a life with him as a lover AND a business partner.

– after her partner bails on her on the phone, she signs the lease on opening her own damn studio.

-She takes on the shapeshifting landlord and takes him down

-She encourages a student to overcome a major obstacle, and then later uses that same empowerment to help Lorenzo overcome his own mental obstacle, persuading Lorenzo to come back to the states and buy a building with her.

– She is revered by her students for her caring nurturing spirit

– She’s got a lot of great funny one-liners.

– She goes from ambitious to defeated to rising again and falling for someone she intially thought was her enemy

– she goes from naiive blindly trusting the landlord, to feeling betrayed, to becoming wiser and going the distance to take down the shifty landlord.

– First part of the movie she’s hiding that she has pre-judged him and despsises him. The second part of the movie she’s hiding that she’s falling for him.

– Her phrases that start with “when I was on broadway” should change over time to something… maybe “when I go to broadway” or “when I visit brodway” or “when I think of my friends still stuck on Broadway”

3. Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

Emily:

Role in the Story: Female protagonist in Rom-com who ends up falling for the guy she initially thought was the enemy.

Age range and Description: early 30s, but has the body of a dancer, so she looks 25 or younger.

Core Traits: Ambitious, artistic, blind to her own naivitees about business.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants business to succeed. Also longs to be made to feel as special and beautiful as she felt when she was performing on broadway.

Wound: when the show ended, she didn’t make the cut on a 2nd audition for a show, and now that her business partner bailed on her, she couldn’t possibly bear to have the studio fail on top of that. She’d feel like a total wash-up in her 30s.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– She’s beautiful and a great dancer.

-She’s a very nurturing gifted teacher.

-Even though she takes care of her body, on the rare occasions when she does indulge, she wholeheartedly embracces the pleasure.

– She is geniunely hurt by the two-facedness of the landlord and feels humiliated by it. She’s determined to rise above it though.

Lorenzo:

Role in the Story: Male protagonist in Rom-com who ends up falling for the girl he initially thought was stuck-up, pretentious, prejudiced and a total ameteur at running a small business.

Age range and Description: early 30s, keeps himself fit and extremely active with his business.

Core Traits: Very house proud about his business and extremely passionate about his cooking. Has a huge heart for his customers, but he won’t take crap from anyone, no matter who you are.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants business to continue to thrive and grow, but deep down he knows that a pizza joint has its limitations for growth and expansion; longs for something more but is in denial about it.

Wound: Every time the landlord raises rent or adds an expense, its like a punch in the gut to him. Also, even though he acts like he doesn’t care if people like Emily think he is beneath them, it really does bug him.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– He’s very expressive and loves his customers as much as they love his food.

– He makes great pizza and other things.

– He’s got a lot of smart advice about running a business.

– Super hard member of the honest, tax-paying working class.

– Feels the pressure of keeping the business afloat, and cant stand seeing people fall for inferior pizza of his competitors as a result of their slick advertising.

– knows for sure that the Landlord is no-good from years of working with him, but feels trapped in his lease conditions.

7. Character Subtext (From Lesson 3)

EMILY:

Hiding something – hiding her naivite about business, building specs and lease clauses. She pretends to be “all-knowing”

Being polite – she may start doing this to landlord, so once she totally has lost faith in him, she’ll start acting extra-nice to him. (Landlord will flip and treat Lorenzo like he first treated Emily, and treat Emily like he first treated Lorenzo)

With her students; they admire her ’cause she’s always so “real”. But when something is really troubling her, she’ll put on her super-happy-pleasant demeanor, and the smart students will not buy it.

Plotting – seems like she might do this too. Maybe at first with Lorenzo, but then with landlord.

LORENZO:

– Hiding something: when something bothers him, he gets extra “doesn’t bother me” proud.

– one other layer with Emily?

– No subtext whatsoever with Landlord at first, but then when he and Emily start “plotting” he’s totally subdued.

8. Character Intrigue: (From Lesson 4)

You’ve also worked with intrigue before. Don’t shy away from giving your character some level of intrigue that makes them more interesting for actors and audiences.

Which of these will give this character more depth and make them more interesting?

Hidden agendas – Lorenzo secretly is working on his stratchiatelli and other soups, but is very shy about telling others about it.

Competition – Lorenzo is lousy at fighting back at compettion at first, until Emily intervenes and does some for him (he gets mad and defensive at first)

Secrets – Emily has a genius lawyer for a sister that she’s not going to. Lorenzo has rich relatives back in Italy that he’s not asking for any money from.

Deception – All kinds of deception with Landlord in 2nd half.

Unspoken Wound – Emily in denial about broadway rejection. Lorenzo in denial about his fears of losing business.

9. Flaw: (how they sabotage themselves)

Both Emily and Lorenzo are too proud to ask for help in their weakness areas.

10. Values:

They both have the same values in the end, that’s why they are so good for each other.

Since both of them are kind of seperated from their families, they treat their clientelle like their Family.

They also are huge “Duty/loyalty” freaks (while they NEVER guilt trip their students about duty, they do LOOOVE when they here students freely pledging their loyalty to them, and they even “confess” when they say they “cheated” and checked out the competition, it does pinch them a little bit; but they do their best to hide that (more subtext)

They both believe wholeheartedly in striving to Be your best

11. Internal Dilemma:

They both desire Fame & glory, but they do not openly admit that to themselves, or others, because that’s not necessarily a “noble” pursuit.

Since they’ve both somehow failed at being the “center of THE world”, they have chosen instead to be the center of their own world.

Somehow going “down” in the elevator to Lorenzo’s is what ends up elevating her spirits, and for Lorenzo, going up in the elevator elevates him to Emily’s world.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Character profiles, part 1

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: Again, so much of this overlaps, and feels like a lot of work to come up with these things. But doing all these exercises is really forcing me to brainstorm as much as I can and creating lots of fodder for the script. It really is like a mental birthing process, so why shouldn’t there be labor pains?

2. With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

Character Name: Lorenzo Locatelli

A. High Concept: A blue-collar business owner/aspiring chef who falls for upscale dancer who owns a studio above his pizza shop.

B. This character’s journey: Thinks the new teacher who rents upstairs is not only from another world, but way to stuck-up and prejudiced. He feels sorry for the poor shmo who ends up with her. But while getting to know her as they fight against their sleazy landlord together, he realizes he’s got her all wrong. He ends up willing to give up his future business plans for her.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

– He’s a blue-collar guy with lots of loveable energy, who ultimately wins the heart of the “Uptown girl”

– He seems like an extroverted opinionated control freak at first but he’s really got a huge heart.

– He slings pizza dough and other culinary delights like a master sculptor but never talks about how awesome he is (only how awesome the food is)

– He is alone for noble reasons, but is initially blind to the fact that he should give Emily a chance

– He stands up to the landlord and comes to Emily’s defense when she needs it.

– He’s passionate and charismatic enough to draw a crowd of devoted customers.

– He’s very much an everyman, so we all can relate to him because he lives and works on our level, but is a master crafsstman in the kitchen… turns out in the bedroom too!

– He is “king of the castle” in his domain of the pizza parlor, but take him out of that comfort zone, like on a dance floor, or courtroom, and he’s introverted and sinks into his shell.

– He thinks he’s making the most mature, somber decision of his life to leave pizza store, but by leaving Emily in America, he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life. At that point, he’s ready to swing in on a vine (or Elevator cable) to rescue her, no holds barred.

– Everything’s out on the table; on the nose; guns blazing, which is a turn off to Emily, but his actions make him a hypocrite, when he tells people he’s not int0 Emily.

– Before Emily, his biggest relationship is the one with his pizza parlor, as he’s ready to give it all up, as much as Abraham was ready to give up Isaac to sacrifice to God. Later, that’s exactly how he feels about Emily, and is ready to give up the pizza shop for her.

– He’s such an extrovert, but is a creative and passionate soul, so he’ll probably use colorful metaphors with the things he loves the most: his food, his pizza parlor, and his livelihood, like it’s fine artwork, a sanctuary, and a sacred order. His family and his homeland are next in line as well: his trip to the motherland of Italy is a “pilgramage”, and to make Emily his clan would be the ultimate expression of acceptance and inclusion into a most sacred order.

Character Name: Emily Wakefield

A. The High Concept: After not making the cut in a 2nd Broadway show, she decides to open her own dance studio, but must settle for a suburban location above a seedy looking pizza shop.

B. This character’s journey: The landlord leads her to believe she can’t trust the pizza owner, but over time, she learns it is the landlord she can’t trust, and ends up falling in love with the pizza maker. He teaches her how to deal with her own inner-demons that she’s a “failed broadway dancer” and forces her to discover how she uses prejudices to protect her from things she is naiive about.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

– She is an extremely beautiful dancer and performer but is also an excellent down-to-earth teacher.

– She is not afraid to rise to the challenges of owning and running her own business. She refuses to be put in a box, and will accept any challenge thrown at her.

– She goes through the journey of the initial clash with Lorenzo, to finally wanting to build a life with him as a lover AND a business partner.

– after her partner bails on her on the phone, she signs the lease on opening her own damn studio.

-She takes on the shapeshifting landlord and takes him down

-She encourages a student to overcome a major obstacle, and then later uses that same empowerment to help Lorenzo overcome his own mental obstacle, persuading Lorenzo to come back to the states and buy a building with her.

– She is revered by her students for her caring nurturing spirit

– She’s got a lot of great funny one-liners.

– She goes from ambitious to defeated to rising again and falling for someone she intially thought was her enemy

– she goes from naiive blindly trusting the landlord, to feeling betrayed, to becoming wiser and going the distance to take down the shifty landlord.

– First part of the movie she’s hiding that she has pre-judged him and despsises him. The second part of the movie she’s hiding that she’s falling for him.

– Her phrases that start with “when I was on broadway” should change over time to something… maybe “when I go to broadway” or “when I visit brodway” or “when I think of my friends still stuck on Broadway”

3. Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

Emily:

Role in the Story: Female protagonist in Rom-com who ends up falling for the guy she initially thought was the enemy.

Age range and Description: early 30s, but has the body of a dancer, so she looks 25 or younger.

Core Traits: Ambitious, artistic, blind to her own naivitees about business.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants business to succeed. Also longs to be made to feel as special and beautiful as she felt when she was performing on broadway.

Wound: when the show ended, she didn’t make the cut on a 2nd audition for a show, and now that her business partner bailed on her, she couldn’t possibly bear to have the studio fail on top of that. She’d feel like a total wash-up in her 30s.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– She’s beautiful and a great dancer.

-She’s a very nurturing gifted teacher.

-Even though she takes care of her body, on the rare occasions when she does indulge, she wholeheartedly embracces the pleasure.

– She is geniunely hurt by the two-facedness of the landlord and feels humiliated by it. She’s determined to rise above it though.

Lorenzo:

Role in the Story: Male protagonist in Rom-com who ends up falling for the girl he initially thought was stuck-up, pretentious, prejudiced and a total ameteur at running a small business.

Age range and Description: early 30s, keeps himself fit and extremely active with his business.

Core Traits: Very house proud about his business and extremely passionate about his cooking. Has a huge heart for his customers, but he won’t take crap from anyone, no matter who you are.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants business to continue to thrive and grow, but deep down he knows that a pizza joint has its limitations for growth and expansion; longs for something more but is in denial about it.

Wound: Every time the landlord raises rent or adds an expense, its like a punch in the gut to him. Also, even though he acts like he doesn’t care if people like Emily think he is beneath them, it really does bug him.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– He’s very expressive and loves his customers as much as they love his food.

– He makes great pizza and other things.

– He’s got a lot of smart advice about running a business.

– Super hard member of the honest, tax-paying working class.

– Feels the pressure of keeping the business afloat, and cant stand seeing people fall for inferior pizza of his competitors as a result of their slick advertising.

– knows for sure that the Landlord is no-good from years of working with him, but feels trapped in his lease conditions.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Likeability/Relateability/Empathy

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This lesson was very affirming for me. I’ve always believed that the most important thing in a movie (even more important than story structure) is that the audience falls in love with the characters. One of my biggest fears in venturing into the Rom-Com genre, is that I won’t be able to pull that off because I’m too much of a stickler for “believability”. Almost all of the top-rated RomComs that I’ve watched in the past two years, have affirmed a rule I heard once from a pro video editor; “emotion trumps logic.” This genre practically lives and dies by that rule. But after doing this assignment, I feel confident that I have plently of fodder to pull off the empathy thing. I already had some, but this assignment totally pushed me to come up with some more, so now I feel I have more than enough.

Lorenzo likeability:

– watching him cook/slap pizza dough, is like watching a master craftsman

– Customers really love his food

– He’s a super hard worker.

– When you walk through the door, he greets you like you’re special and part of a family. (So does Emily)

– He doesnt take crap from anyone: eapecially the landlord. He’s tough like Bruce Willis in DieHard or Clint Eastwood, but still has the heart of a puppy dog.

Lorenzo distress that causes empathy:

– He works his butt off to make an amazing dinner special night but gets no customers

– He is unjustly represented by landlord, and thus, Emily’s students when she publicly dismisses him somehow.

– While in supermarket, he overhears a family choosing another pizza place over his because its cheaper.

– Then he overhears another couple choosing a different pizza place over his because its more expensive, so therefore it must be better.

– His grandparents/aunt/uncle in Italy are dying. His only chance to spend time with them is to move there.

– Landlord has increased commons fees.

– When he decides to take an opportunity to tell Emily how he feels, he gets stuck in the elevator

Emily likeability:

– Attractive but seemingly humble about it.

– Really encouraging and nurturing teacher.

– Passionate about her studio and trying to be fair to students while also not letting herself get taken advantage of as a businesswoman.

Emily relatability:

– Really takes care of her body; doesnt smoke like lots of other dancers she knows, but still tempted to indulge in junk food on occasion, like most of us.

– Scared to admit she is developing feelings for a guy who she already rejected in her head, and publicly demonized/belittled. Who wouldn’t?

Emily distress that causes empathy:

– Landlord raises rent because of “taxes” but he raises her rent much higher than the taxes would cost him. Then she finds out she really cant trust the landlord and hes been playing her all this time

– Really really needs a business space, may have to move back home.

– Rejected when she auditioned for 2nd broadway show, after putting EVERYTHING into it to the point of exhaustion.

– When She tells Lorenzo that he should teach cooking, he proudly declares “those who can, do. Those who cant, teach” and this gnaws at her, making her feel like a failure.

Landlord likeability:

– Uhhhh. Handsome? Well spoken? Appears froendly

– Landlord relatability:

– we actually do like him at first because, along with Emily, he appears so likeable; until he shapeshifts and we later learn its all just a clever facade.

– Genuinely makes an effort to bring at least some things up to code, so he’s not so much of an “evil landlord” stereoptype. He’s a real person. But the expenses to bring the elevator up to code is the straw that breaks him.

Landlord distress causing empathy:

– Is wrestling with the elevator expenses to bring it up to code, when the building AC units get stolen overnight by hoodlums who just want to sell them for a couple hundred bucks of scrap metal. That’s now going to cost thousands to replace.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s character intrigue

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This assignment came easier than some previous assignments and I think that is because of how much the other assignments pushed me to come up with strong plot points and complex characters. Most of these are just natural expressions of the conflict and theme. I’m also looking forward to discovering even more as I continue to outline.

Character Name: Lorenzo Locatelli

Role: Main male lead for RomCom

Hidden agendas: He might possibly have a hidden agenda to either see Emily’s studio fail…or to make it succeed. I think after he has feelings for her, it would change from the former to the latter.

Competition: He truly is competing with every other pizza shop in town, but when asked about the competition, he totally plays it cool like he doesn’t care at all how well the others do compared to him… but he really does.

Conspiracies:

Secrets: He’s actually got rich relatives in Italy who’d give him all the money he’d ever need for anything if they truly felt it was his calling.

Deception: His behavior towards the landlord may start to change from totally argumentative/hostile, to totally passive (which makes the landlord suspicious… but the landlord will start to realize that Emily and Lorenzo are falling for each other, and that makes him afraid)

Unspoken Wound: something from his childhood put a huge chip on his shoulders to succeed, and/or not question his place as a small-time pizza guy.

Secret Identity: see “secrets” above

Character Name: Emily Wakefield

Role: Female lead for RomCom

Hidden agendas: her hidden agenda to see Lorenzo fail, is replaced by her hidden agenda to see him succeed.

Competition: maybe with other dance studios or another teacher? She does get sucked into trying to please the landlord, thinking that Lorenzo is doing that too. She thinks that because the Landlord led her to believe that, but its not true. Lorenzo doesn’t give a crap about what the landlord thinks of him.

Conspiracies: She is in cahoots with Lorenzo in 2nd half of story to force the landlord to fix the elevator.

Secrets: after eating the Stratchiatelli, she is totally drawn to Lorenzo, but she wont dare let him see it.

Deception:

Unspoken Wound: not returning to Broadway bugs her more than she cares to admit.

Secret Identity:

Character Name: Todd Valente

Role: Landlord and shapeshifting Antagonist between Lorenzo and Emily

Hidden agendas: plans to take advantage of the business weaknesses of young entrepeneurs who sign long-term leases with him.

Deception: totally misleading Emily into thinking he’s the only ally she’s got, when in reality, he’s NOT helping her business.

Unspoken Wound: I’m sure he’s got a lot of them from past tenants and/or business failures.

[Joe Donato]

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I learned that making the character unique, particularly for Rom Coms, does NOT necessarily mean they’re going to outrun a bolder after stealing an idol from a sacred temple, or do a vicious hit job while talking politely about a tasty hamburger. Most successfull rom-coms I’ve watched are practically the opposite; a below-average person falling in love, and making a fool of themselves in the process. But they have stand-out scenes, like how well they sing when they’re alone home drunk in their underwear, etc. I’m still exploring this because it perplexes me to some degree. It seems to me that the character attraction rules for “Romancing the Stone” are different than character attraction rules for, say “Bridget Jones’s diary”, but I’m still trying to figure this question out and I think I need to study a few more classic Rom Coms over the course of this module. “Moonstruck” is next on my list.

Lead Character Name: Emily Wakefield

Role: Entrepeneurial dance studio owner and ex-broadway dancer.

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

She is an extremely beautiful dancer and performer but is also an excellent down-to-earth teacher.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

She is not afraid to rise to the challenges of owning and running her own business. She refuses to be put in a box, and will accept any challenge thrown at her.

She goes through the journey of the initial clash with Lorenzo, to finally wanting to build a life with him as a lover AND a business partner.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the script?

She signs the lease and starts her own business (partner leaves her hanging on the phone)

She takes on the shapeshifting landlord and takes him down

She encourages a student to overcome a major obstacle.

She persuades Lorenzo to come back to the states and buy a building with her.

4. How was the role introduced in a way that sold it to an actor?

– A woman who doesn’t take crap from anyone and who will rise to any challenge presented to her.

– She is revered by her students for her caring nurturing spirit

– She’s got a lot of great funny one-liners.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

ambitious to defeated to rising again.

falling for someone she intially thought was her enemy

going from blindly trusting to feeling betrayed.

6. What subtext did the actor play?

Hiding how she really feels about Lorenzo. First part of the movie she’s hiding that she has pre-judged him and despsises him. The second part of the movie she’s hiding that she’s falling for him.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character had?

Lorenzo, but if some think the relationship with the landlord is even more intriguing, then that’s ok too. Let them debate it at the water cooler at work the next day.

8. How was this character’s unique voice presented?

I have no idea yet… phrases that start with “when I was on broadway” should change over time to something… maybe “when I go to broadway” or “when I visit brodway” or “when I think of my friends still stuck on Broadway”

9. What made this character special and unique?

all of the above.

Lead Character Name: Lorenzo Locatelli

Role: Pizza shop owner.

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

-He’s a blue-collar guy with lots of loveable energy, who ultimately wins the heart of the “Uptown girl”

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

-He seems like an extroverted opinionated control freak at first but he’s really got a huge heart.

-He slings pizza dough and other culinary delights like a master sculptor but never talks about how awesome he is (only how awesome the food is)

– He is alone for noble reasons, but he is blind to the fact that he should give Emily a chance

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the script?

– He stands up to the landlord and comes to Emily’s defense when she needs it.

– He knows how to draw a crowd of devoted customers.

4. How was the role introduced in a way that sold it to an actor?

– He’s very much an everyman, so we all can relate to him because he lives and works on our level, but is a master crafsstman in the kitchen… turns out in the bedroom too!

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

From extroverted and “king of the castle” in his domain of the pizza parlor, but take him out of that comfort zone, like on a dance floor, or courtroom, and he’s introverted and sinks into his shell.

He thinks he’s making the most mature, somber decision of his life to leave pizza store, but by leaving Emily in America, he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life. At that point, he’s ready to swing in on a vine (or Elevator cable) to rescue her, no holds barred.

6. What subtext did the actor play?

Very little subtext at first: everything’s out on the table; on the nose; guns blazing, which is a turn off to Emily, but his actions make him a hypocrite, when he tells people he’s not int0 Emily.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character had?

His change of heart and mind over Emily. Also, with his pizza parlor, as he’s ready to give it all up, as much as Abraham was ready to give up Isaac to sacrifice to God.

8. How was this character’s unique voice presented?

He’s such an extrovert, but is a creative and passionate soul, so he’ll probably use colorful metaphors with the things he loves the most: his food, his pizza parlor, and his livelihood, like it’s fine artwork, a sanctuary, and a sacred order. His family and his homeland are next in line as well: his trip to the motherland of Italy is a “pilgramage”, and to make Emily his clan would be the ultimate expression of acceptance and inclusion into a most sacred order.

9. What made this character special and unique?

Everything I said above.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Subtext Characters

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: This was a challenging assignment for me and I’m still not sure why. I totally understand the “characters with no subtext are ininteresting” but I found myself fighting the “choose that subtext now” task at hand. It’s like I’m still waiting for the characters to come alive and show me the subtext like I’m a member of the audience as opposed to the author. But I still did the brainstorming even if I still think there’s more I haven’t conceived/developed yet for these characters. This was one of those times when writing was less inspiration and more persperations; like the labor of childbirth after 9 months of injestion, or like the “cut open a vein and bleed” analogy.

2. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

Movie Title: I Love You to Death

Character Name: Joey Boca

Subtext Identity: Hard Working Blue Collar Family Man, but also cheats on wife almost daily.

Subtext Trait: lying womanizer

Subtext Logline: Uses the excuse that he works so hard all day, he deserves to have fun on the side.

Possible Areas of Subtext: He goes out alone without his wife with excuses that he’s going to fix something in apartment, or he’s going to show apartment to new tenant. When confronted by his wife, he smothers her with affection and attention. When confronted by River Phoenix character, he rationalizes. When confronted by mother-in-law, he blames her for her own shortcomings and curses at her in Italian so she can’t understand what he’s saying.

3. For your two leads, brainstorm these answers:

Character Name: Emily Wakefield

Subtext Identity: The Boss

Subtext Trait: Acting like she knows to cover up her naivitee

Subtext Logline: Emily likes to be the boss of herself, but when she is naive about something, she acts like she really knows it all to cover up her naivitee.

Possible Areas of Subtext: When landlord talks to her about extra costs for repairs, she’s thinking “what, what does that mean? did that really need to be repaired, etc.” but says “oh, yeah, of course that needed to be fixed, yeah yeah, those are totally expensive”… When Lorenzo asks her about proper thermostat settings, she does the same thing; pretends she wanted it on overnight for a higher purpose… When a student asks her about a unique quality of Lorenzo that she admires that she didn’t know about, she’s like “ohhh, yeah, that’s right, I forgot he’s like that” but all nonchalant about it.

Character Name: Lorenzo Locatelli

Subtext Identity: the Artist

Subtext Trait: Extremely house proud about having the best pizza in town, and he does, but he is in denial that he’s terrible at marketing and promoting and could use some marketing help.

Subtext Logline: Lorenzo is a culinary artist who is well aware that he makes the best food in town, but is in denial about his marketing struggles and inability to successfully compete with inferior competitors.

Possible Areas of Subtext: When anyone gives him business device, he gets extremely defensive until they regret saying anything. he goes back and forth between “we are the best kept secret in town, therefore me and my customers are the elite” to “its a damn injustice/crime that people are flocking to that inferior pizza place across town”. When customers ask him about what he thinks of the dance teacher upstairs, he writes her off as “prissy, artsy-fartsy” and “too fragile; like overproofed pizza dough” even though he feels intimidated by her ability to bring in new clients. When the landlord does things that raise his costs of doing business, it hurts him, but he’ll never show it to the Landlord. Instead, he’ll boast “bring in on, I can take the hit”. Later in the script, he will finally come to acceptance that there’s got to be a better way to live while honoring his passion for cooking great food, and his pride will be shot. Since he’s no longer using the boasting or the “c’mon hit me I can take it” language, it will be extremely clear that something’s changed in him.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Joe Donato.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Joe Donato. Reason: originally posted "day 2" instead of "day 3" here. Is there anyway Cheryl could edit the subject so instead of just saying "day 2, 3, 4, etc" it also has the subject of the lesson?

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Genre Conventions

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: These written genre conventions were a great help and I can tell that this is going to be the most organized outlining of a script I’ve ever done. I used it to create a new discipline for me; giving each element an abbreviation and notating each part of the outline with the appropriate notation in parenthesis, reading through the outline with one “genre convention” at a time in mind.

Title: Elevated

Concept: Despite thinking they are world’s apart, a pizza maker who doesn’t dance and a recent non-pizza eating dance teacher who rents the space above the pizza shop, must work together to fight the two-faced landlord over the elevator and lease violations, and fall in love in the process.

Genre: RomCom

P – PURPOSE: To have the audience experience falling in love again.

JL – THE JOURNEY OF LOVE: Two people go from their “cute-meet” to denial of

love to overwhelming attraction to breaking up over differences to finally

reuniting and experiencing the love of their life.

RSU – RELATIONSHIP SET-UP: From the moment of the “cute-meet.” we see the

romantic future for the couple, even if they refuse to believe it.

I – ISSUES: Each person has an internal personal issue that must be resolved

for them to truly be together. This requires personal growth for them to

become a couple.

S – SEPARATION: Either physically or because of a specific situation,

something keeps this couple apart. It is this separation that causes the

audience to yearn for them to come together.

C – COMEDY: Relationship and personal issues are dealt with through humor.

As we laugh at the embarrassing moments on the screen, the audience

feels better about their relationships

Act 1:

Opening – Emily arrives, and despite the locationl; above a pizza parlor of all things! (I) she signs the lease with the all-too friendly landlord ’cause she’s driven to make this dream a reality (RSU). Landlord “warns her” about pizza guy Lorenzo, implying that he’s a big problem. (S)

– Meet Lorenzo and we see that he’s driven to make his business a success, just like Emily (RSU)

Inciting Incident – One of her students gets stuck in the elevator and has a panic attack (C) and Emily is forced to deal with it. She goes after Lorenzo, because the landlord leads her to believe it’s Lorenzo’s fault. She vows never to get in the elevator herself again (I)

One day she is desperate for something in the attic closet but the door is locked. But Lorenzo gets it open for her, which she is thrilled about (RSU). But when she asks how he got that the door open and he says “with a credit card, duh” which repulses her. (I)

Turns out the landlord’s dark side comes out when he throws a fit over potential teachers at Emily’ studio that he thinks are subleters. (C for audience, but terrifying to Emily)

Turning Point – One day while carrying stuff down the steps (cause she won’t use the elevator), she falls. Lorenzo finds her and feeds her some of his homemade Stratchiatelli soup. She is enthralled with it (RSU), but doesn’t tell him cause she still doesn’t trust him (I). But as they talk they start to see each other differently (JL). But by the end she is forced to finally acknowledge that there is something problematic with the landlord.

Act 2:

New plan – She will work with Lorenzo to fight the Landlord (RSU-I) starting with helping the student who got stuck in the elevator to sue him.

Plan in action – They work together to fight landlord. Lorenzo begins to respect her work ethic. (RSU)

Midpoint Turning Point – – Lorenzo decides to go up to see her for the first time to express his feelings for her, (JL) but gets stuck in the elevator (S) He breaks out of it. She helps him.(c) (JL)

The Landlord blames them both for breaking it.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – ????

New plan – They now have evidence to take landlord to court and file a claim.

They win big against Landlord and Landlord is forced to make repairs and finally bring it up to code. They’re so happy they embrace & kiss (JL)

Turning Point: Huge failure/Major shift: both businesses are shut down while indefinitely while repairs are made. Lorenzo goes to Italy, and to Emily’s dismay, decides he’s going to stay there indefinitely. (S)

Act 4:

New pizza guy moves in, but he’s not the same at all. Emily deeply misses the ambiance and food of Lorenzo’s. (S). Also, Emily notices similar trends with how Landlord treats the new guy. She starts to investigate previous tenants, and they all have horror stories. Emily finally realizes the Landlord has a business model of intentionally renting to passionate artistic entrepeneurs, and taking advantage of their naivite.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

She is now the one saying the landlord is evil to the new naive tenant who thinks landlord is great. the new guy starts to think Emily’s got a thing for him (C). (I) Emily now fully understands Lorenzo’s desire to leave. (S), (JL)

Resolution

She goes to find Lorenzo, but Lorenzo decides to come back to the states instead. They end up together, either in the states or in Italy, after buying their own building with a nice restaurant/studio/home, in a dream location. (JL) They are arguing, just like married people (C), but still in love.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s 4-Act Transformational structure

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: I learned that, while I am staying diligent in coming up with these specific plot points, I HAVE to write down the other parts of the plot in between each incident. Otherwise, I’ll get stuck” and won’t allow myself to write until I FIRST come up with the other plot points as mandated. But that does not work. It’s counter to the way my brain naturally thinks. In order to stay un-stuck, I have to start writing details and letting plot ideas flow. After I’ve “flowed” some, I find it much easier to start rearranging like a jigsaw puzzle. It’s a messy, sloppy process, but it’s productive, and its the only way for me to find all those structure points. I have two big empty structure points right now, but before I let myself “flow” and add a lot more plot details, I had at least five empty structure points.

Concept: A pizza maker who doesn’t dance and a recent non-pizza eating dance teacher who rents the space above the pizza shop, must work together to fight the slimy landlord over the elevator’s lease violations, and fall in love in the process.

Main Conflict – RomCom buddy, with elements of triangle.

Old Ways – Each of them are very house proud and defensive of their business “territory”. They only see the other as a threat, instead of an ally.

New Ways – They trust each other, and realize what a powerhouse they can be if they work together.

Act 1:

Opening – Emily arrives, and despite the location (above a pizza parlor of all things!) signs the lease with the all-too friendly landlord. Landlord “warns her” about pizza guy Lorenzo, implying that he’s the problem, and that’s why he has to … charge so much? make him fix the elevator cause the kids that hang out at his pizza shop keep breaking it?

Inciting Incident – One of her students gets stuck in the elevator and has a panic attack and Emily is forced to deal with it. She goes after the Italian pizza guy-Lorenzo, because the landlord leads her to believe it’s Lorenzo’s fault. She vows never to get in the elevator herself again.

Turning Point – One day while carrying stuff down the steps (cause she won’t use the elevator), she falls. Lorenzo finds her and feeds her some of his homemade Stratchiatelli soup. She is enthralled with it, but doesn’t tell him cause she still doesn’t trust him. But she realizes something must be done about the landlord.

Act 2:

New plan – Can she work with Lorenzo to fight the Landlord, starting with helping the student who got stuck in the elevator to sue him.

Plan in action – They reluctantly team up to fight Landlord. But How????????

Midpoint Turning Point – Lorenzo gets stuck in elevator trying to go up to see her. He breaks out of it. She helps him. Landlord blames them for breaking it.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – ????

New plan – They now have evidence to take landlord to court and file a claim.

They win big against Landlord and he is forced to make repairs.

Turning Point: Huge failure/Major shift: both businesses are shut down while indefinitely while repairs are made. Lorenzo goes to Italy, and decides he’s going to stay there.

Act 4: New pizza guy, but he’s not ethnic. Emily notices similar trends with how Landlord treats him and starts to investigate previous tenants.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: She is now the one saying the landlord is evil, to the new naive pizza guy who misinterprets her warnings and that she has a thing for him. She longs for the sanity and “dont take crap from anyone” attitude/strength of Lorenzo.

Resolution

She goes to find Lorenzo in Italy, but ironically, Lorenzo decides to come back to the States instead? They end up together, either in the states or in Italy, after buying their own building with a nice restaurant/studio/home, in a dream location.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Subtext Plot

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

I learned that this process is really going to help me stay focused and keep the script strong as I outline and flesh out. If there’s too many tangents, I’ll be able to narrow it down and focus right at the point of it becoming overwhelming.

<font size=”2″><font size=”2″>Concept: “Elevated” Rom Com, Despite thinking they are world’s
apart, a pizza shop owner who can’t dance and a dance
studio owner who doesn’t eat pizza for health reasons, but rents the
space above his shop, work together to fight their slimy landlord over
lease violations (particularly with the elevator), and fall in love in
the process.</font></font>

I see elements of most of these subplots in my script:

Scheme and Investigation: the Landlord is scheming, and the Pizza guy is investigating, and ultimately brings the Dance teacher into it.

Layering: the Pizza guy has really great soup, and other culinary skills, which is the first thing that makes the dance teacher change her opinion of his “value”

She is also very much a Fish Out of Water as a privelaged, successful broadway-worthy talent, “reduced” to blue-collar suburbia.

The Landlord is in a Superior Position over her, and her business naiivitee. Not sure yet how much of that the audience knows, but the pizza guy suspects it, and will eventually be vindicated when he is proven right.

I may employ A Major Cover Up in the 2nd half of movie as they team up against the landlord.

But for now, Competitive Agendas will be the driving force, as they both fear that the other business is hindering their growth, thus making both the dance teacher and the pizza guy believe that they have to work hard to make sure the other business doesn’t “bring them down”, and the Landlord only helps to fuel the flames of their pre-existing prejudices. All, the while, they are getting closer and closer, prepped to fall for each other.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato’s transformational Journey

My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady daily routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a track record of great marketable scripts that will make other successful talented pros seek me out.

What I learned: These four categories (Arc, Internal Journey, External Journey, and old/new ways) overlap. It was a task to actually flesh them out as four seperate categories instead of one or two nebulous generlizations. They still overlap. I sense they are still in adolescent stage, but at least the ideas are front and center which will allow me to refine and evolve them to maturity during the continuing outline process.

Tell us the Character Arc for your Female Protagonist:

Arc Beginning: Doesn’t care for the pizza guy, puts all her energy into the dance studio.

Arc Ending: Is in love with the pizza guy, willing to partner with him in new building venture.

Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: headstrong, proud and alone; in denial about her needs/desires.

External Journey: struggling sole-proprietor to flourishing business partner.

Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways: Overly self-reliant. When she is naiive, she blindly trusts the landlord and demonizes the pizza guy.

New Ways: Is open to the discovering her shortcomings in business and is willing to let people teach and guide and/or lead with wisdom. totally doesn’t trust landlord.

Tell us the Character Arc for your Male Protagonist:

Arc Beginning: Doesn’t care for the dance teacher, puts all his energy into the pizza parlor and always hostile to landlord.

Arc Ending: Is in love with the dance teacher, willing to partner with her in new building venture; no longer under jurisdiction of landlord.

Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: headstrong, proud and alone; naively waiting for the “right” ie: “perfect” girl to just manifest in God’s timing, to proactively seeking out a relationship with dance teacher

External Journey: struggling sole-proprietor to flourishing business partner.

Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways: Overly self-reliant. Hostile to anyone who might have a different approach.

New Ways: Has much more patience and more graceful with people who have a different approach/method/understanding than him.

[Joe Donato]

Vision statement: My vision is to persevere and stay the course of building steady routine and disciplines that make it a habit of consistently producing writing of exceptional quality. Ultimately the fruit of these habits will be a portfolio of great marketable scripts that will make other successful and talented pros want to work with me.

What I learned: this was an exercise in really choosing from all the potential details about this character swimming around in my head, for just the few details that matter for driving the drama of the story right now.

Character 1: Dance teacher/studio owner

Logline: a young beatiful dance teacher is opening her first dance studio in suburbia, but because she is “from broadway” she is prone to thinking she deserves better than the area she is opening her studio in.

Unique: While she prides herself on being both an excellent teacher as well as a performer, this is still her first business venture and she is a little naiive about what it takes, but thinks the landlord is so nice, so she considers him an ally who is giving her a deal.

Character2 : Pizza shop owner:

Logline: He knows he has the best pizza in town, as well as other Italian specialties, but is also not great at marketing, so he’s still struggling, despite having the best food in town.

Unique: He thinks the dance teacher is stuck-up but also knows he must cater to her clientelle for steady business, so to them, he thinks very highly of her. He also doesn’t trust the landlord from the get-go and doesn’t take crap from him.

Character 3: Landlord

Logline: He likes to impress and intimidate people with all the properties he owns/manage, even though in reality he is struggling. He has a knack for successfully taking advantage of naive/young creative entrepeneurs.

Unique: He decides to proposition the dance teacher inappropriately, and overcharge the pizza shop owner. He also sows divisiveness between the two of them, blaming the other for what are actually his own shortcomings.

[Joe Donato]

<font size=”2″>VISION: To persevere and stay the course of building steady daily
routine, and disciplines that produce consistent writing of exceptional
quality. Ultimately, the fruit of those habits and disciplines will be a
track record of great marketable scripts that will make other
successful talented pros want to work with me.
</font>

<font size=”2″>
</font>

<font size=”2″>WHAT I LEARNED is that I am now in the process of tweaking my logline with each new assignment. It’s a process of backing away, and losing some details, so that when I zoom in again, it can stronger. For example: it’s important that she doesn’t eat pizza and that he doesn’t dance, but I’m still allowed to explore the reasons WHY they don’t do those things. That’s what my subconscious will be browsing over tonight, I hope.
</font>

Title” “Elevated”

Concept: <font size=”2″><font size=”2″>Despite being world’s
apart, a pizza shop owner who doesn’t dance and a dance
studio owner who doesn’t eat pizza but rents the space above his shop, work together to fight their slimy landlord over
lease violations (particularly with the elevator), and fall in love in
the process.</font></font>

Character structure: Buddy/RomCom, with an element of Dramatic triangle with the landlord.

<div>
</div><div>

</div>

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato

I’ve written 2 market-ready scripts, 4 scripts that I’ve written over the past 3 years and are currently pitching and rewriting to make them market-ready. I’ve also written 2 shorts, and 2 tv spec. scripts.

I’ve taken the Subtext Secrets, Contained Movie, Power Players, Pro-Series 78, Comedy, and the 30 day screenplay. I also enrolled in the “Professional Rewrite” class but have only done the first two assignments so far.

the main thing I hope to get out of this class is the repetition of all the other stuff I’ve learned in Hal’s classes, but just getting that info re-packaged and presented in whatever Hal’s new class structure is. I also know the value of having these assignments that will keep me writing every day and making more and more of these skill-sets second-nature. I also am hoping to find other quality “feedbackers” with which to exchange scripts with.

Something unique: two months into the pandemic, I suffered a back injury that has left me with some nerve damage/impingement in parts of my body. As a result, I can’t play guitar or piano anymore, or reopen my dance studio, or move around comfortably with a camera anymore (I used to do all these things comfortably pre-pandemic) Two years since the injury and I’m only slightly better, thus seriously affecting future career-plans. This is what has propelled me to return to plan A for my life, and my childhood dream: writing movies. (I can still type!)

[Joe Donato]

<div>Off the top of my head, without reviewing the notes, here’s two things that stood out to me</div><div>

1 – I learned about Hal’s “quadrant” framework, which I appreciate because I teach and think in quadrant form as well. I also loved Steven Covey’s “Urgent/Not urgent/Important/Not important” quadrant formula, so next time I feel stuck and/or unproductive, I’m going to review the quadrant and see if that will help to free me up and empower me.

</div><div>

2 – After all the time with the visualization exercises and verbal repetitions that went along with it, I realize how important it is to Hal to address the problem of people not following through and gradually petering out throughout the class. After completing several classes, I have seen how at least 1/2 of the students gradually stop posting and by the final batch of lessons, only a select few students have made it. I did that in one class too, but I love the fact that it is all still there online, ready for me to revisit it, which I plan to do. I think its great that Hal sees that as a problem and is committed to being part of the solution. With so many students continuing to enroll in his classes, I suppose he doesn’t have to do a darn thing about students not finishing from the perspective of a businessman, but from the perspective of a teacher, it is a noble thing to do and is one of the things that attracts me to this community.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

I, Joe Donato, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joe Donato]

I have finished a satisfying 2nd draft of my road-rage themed light horror/drama, about 100 pages. Let me know if you are ready to exchange, even if your reading this 1 month, 2 months, 6 months, etc. after I’ve posted it, I’d still value feedback. thanks.

[Joe Donato]

Well, this took quite some time. I’d say it was a full 8 hours of work, to give each scene “equal time”. Many times it was very easy to just “settle”, and call it “good enough” and rest on my laurels that it’s way better than many movies I’ve seen in my day. But that’s not what I’m in for. I came this far, there’s no point in stopping pursuing excellence now. Yes I worked on flow, clarity, description and dialogue, but I’ve been doing that all along over the past 30 days as well. And one scene near the end is way too long, so I just marked that. I’ll shorten it later.

Here’s my notes on things I changed on this pass:

– tweaked a lot of Act 1 dialogue between Ruth and Chuck: reworked it to make it more believable and dramatic.

– Shortened some lines of action description, while adding more action.

– I made sure that whenever there was long bouts of believable dialogue, that the tension/drama increased steadily line by line.

– Changed some of the order of events in scenes (like discovering license plate earlier, which allows them to doubt if its just one car or multiple cars they are seeing)

– In the previous draft, when Chuck buys a bunch of stuff at the convenience store, I had his wife pull them out one at a time as Chuck explained what they were for, but then I realized that it felt more entertaining to not reveal the items to the audience until he actually uses them against the zombie car.

– At the turning point, I finally came up with Chuck’s backstory, helping to explain his prejudice. I never said what Chuck did for a living, and I keep wondering if it matters to the story, and I only want to give him a job that is relevant to the story. But now we know he was forced into retirement because his company replaced him with a millenial who could do his job faster and cheaper with a computer program.

– Believabiliity was top priority for me as I tweaked dialogue and sequence of events. I really think my biggest challenge/goal for this was to make it feel “real” and as uncontrived as possible.

Done for now. Woohhooo!!!!!

[Joe Donato]

OK I went through the entire outline answering all four questions. That took some time. I think this is the most analytical I’ve ever been to anyone of my scripts. I noticed about halfway through the assignment I found myself thinking “that’s good enough for me”, and I was tempted to quit before the full 4-question analysis of each scene. I was proud of the fact that i didn’t feel the need to cut out any exemperanious scenes. I think I already did that earlier and just didn’t know it. However, it DID give me some new insights and added a few things to some scemes to increase/foucs the drama/tension. I even added some “on the nose” dialogue that I can rewrite later, and I still have 2 placeholders where I know what the scene is about, but not sure if the audience will get it. Glad I had 2 days to do this one. I needed it.

Here’s a link to my new outline with questions answered for each scene.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/g2edtuljze1rzwf/TREK%20-%20MasterOutline.pdf?dl=0

[Joe Donato]

I feel pretty confident about this, but I am sooo appreciative of this list of things to check. I also am discovering the difference betwen what’s in my head, and what’s on the paper. I discover that when I read each of these questions without the script in front of me, I go crazy reflecting in my head on the many evolutions (or even de-evolutions) of the characters that i went through, and am still going through in the creation process, which is good, but can also be insane if I take those thoughts as the actual answers… BUT, when I look at what is actually is currently written in the script, all those insane rabbit-trails get dissolved and I can figure out who this character reall is/isnt in the flesh.

Good news for me when I did each of these passes, I came to the conclusion that they are all pretty strong enough (at least, until I find a way to make them stronger)… But STILL, it took a long time, and some devoted work.

A. Weak protagonist or antagonist.

– I think they’re both pretty strong, though I’m not sure if Antangonist’s motives are clear enough, or how much that matters.

B. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad.

– took a long hard look at this, and they feel pretty strong to me.

C. Weak character intros.

– These feel good to me too. Protagonist shows more of his weakness than his strength early on, but I think that’s good for a horror, especially since the Antagonist is still “lurking in the shadows” for quite some time.

D. Characters not in action.

– No I’m pretty sure I got that covered. Although with each pass I do kick it up a notch just for fun, and I’m thrilled that that is happening organically.

E. Protagonist journey not strong.

– Hmmm. Maybe I can tweak something more in the end scene, but not sure yet.

F. All the characters seem the same.

– Nope, they’re totally different.

G. Lead characters not present.

– Nope, they’re in practically every single scene.

Woohhoo! This was a hard one, but a good one!

[Joe Donato]

This took a couple of days because I had to back and re-write the original outline so that it properly represents the script. There were a bunch of changes. But doing that made sure that what was on paper and what was in my head, are in unison before moving forward. Now, when I answered the questions, all those structure questions, which were very intimidating two days ago, were actually quite easy to answer. I came up with some more ideas about how to strengthen things. I’ll ponder that overnight and fix that on the next rewrite…

THE STRUCTURE QUESTIONS

Act 1:

Opening/Old Ways: Is this an engaging opening scene that lures us into the story? Is the lead character clearly living in a pre-transformation mode? Do the “Old Ways” show up in their behavior and dialogue?

-Yes, Chuck half-heartedly helps his wife, but is more argumentative than listening to her and ready to justify his actions.

Inciting Incident: How does this incident invite and propel us into the journey?

– clear, obvious: they get physically bumped by the car. In my first draft, I think the car didn’t touch them until later. But I changed that.

Turning Point: How is this Turning Poing a twist that locks us into the journey with “no going back?”

– They have been “tracked/locked in” via Ruth’s phone. Even if they don’t know it yet. Also, they’ve been recorded by the car’s cameras too, so the zombie car “knows” them, which they will discover later.

Act 2:

New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with the Act 1 Turning Point?

– They will now offer themselves up as “bait” and have a new purpose on the road: “Saving” others from getting attacked by the car.

Plan in action: How does the protagonist take action on that plan?

– Recruits other RV driver and they go on a mission to take down the car.

Midpoint Turning Point: How does the Midpoint change the meaning, creating a reveal that changes everything while keeping us on the same journey?

– The first enemy: “modern tech on the highway” has been defeated. Now, the “real” enemy emerges, and shows his face. Now Chuck is battling a flesh and blood youngster. He’s got this! (so he thinks)

Act 3:

React/Rethink: What is revealed to the protagonist from the Midpoint? How do they react or rethink things?

– after interacting with the kid, Chuck is not so sure his “scared straight” methods will work to put the kid in his place. There’s more going on, and Chuck doesn’t want to admit that he can’t compete with the psychological level.

New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with this new level of conflict?

– Going to drive all night just to get off the road and be done with it.

Turning Point: The lowest of the low. How has this Turning Point brought the character to the lowest of lows, making it almost impossible for them to win in a normal way? This forces them to adopt the change in a much bigger way.

– Not only has Chuck’s vessel been grounded, he’s failed his wife on another level: unable to get her to safety. He’s totally now reevaluating his purpose and his value to her.

Act 4:

Dilemma: What emotional dilemma requires the protagonist to choose between two alternatives, losing something with either choice?

– In order to give his wife her wish, he’s going to have to give up hope of resurrecting the RV, which is the symbol of his hopes/dreams/future/worth. Hold on to the idea of salvaging/preserving the RV, or let it go, so they can tear it apart to find the tracking unit so they can find the kid.

THIS PART CAN BE STRONGER if, throughout the story, we see Chuck being extra controlling/preserving of the RV.

Climax/Ultimate @xpression Of The Conflict: How is this the ultimate expression of the conflict? How does it require a “fight to the death,” either literally or symbolically?

– Chuck’s “lingering old self’ has exchanged the RV for the Gun, as the only tool he has to fight the kid. But his wife has psychology to speak to the kid as a human, and now that Chuck is stripped of his preoccupation/agenda, he is actually ABLE to listen to his wife, and try things her way.

Resolution: How does this resolution represent the “New Ways” and bring this story to a fitting conclusion?

– The “old” helps the “young”. Trust is built between the two generations.

CAN BE MADE STRONGER, by having the kid help chuck with some sort of technical thing.

New Ways: What are the New Ways and do they clearly show up in your lead character’s Act 4 behavior and dialogue?

– Chuck returns to the work world for a few more years. No longer “escaping” via early retirement, and no longer afraid of new tech. In fact, he now will help others his age: he’s actually empathetic now!

CAN BE MADE STRONGER in the script by making sure its clear that his “early retirement” plan was an in-noble form of escape in earlier scenes. Also, make sure we see Chuck’s language/interactions with the new class being full of empathy that he clearly learned from his wife.

[Joe Donato]

Joe filled in the missing scenes

I am finding that at this phase, I am sort of blurring the line between lesson 23, 24 and 25. I’m not going to obsess about focusing on just strictly being meticulous about the division between them, because when I see what’s working, and am motivated, I am writing, knowing that I’m not married to any of it yet. Here are some scenes I added and clarified:

– I added more dialouge before the climax where Chuck and Ruth look back and discover how the kid has been following and tracking them the whole time. This part was very etherial throughout the script… until now.

– I was going to add a whole scene where we meet the tow truck guy, but it turns out I only needed one line really for Chuck to ask the pawn-shop owner “know a good tow truck guy”. it works.

– I added a few sections where I cleaned up the logic-flow of scenes when they are driving through the desert; when is daytime, when is night, when to they get near the big cities, and when they totally leave “civilization” (like Las Vegas, where they could have stayed safely all night and gotten lots of help, but instead, Chuck decides to drive straight through the night, and back into the desert.

– I totally moved the scene with the TV show commentator reporting about the “zombie car” phenomenon happening where people are using remote control cars and that the only solution is more “good guys with guns”. It’s now much closer to the end, and immediately before Chuck actually buys a gun. this creates more mystery where it was earlier.

Now that I did that, understand the whole “fix it in passes”. I’m ready for another pass.

[Joe Donato]

Still have to go through and write 2 more scenes. But now I know exactly what needs to happen in those scenes: kid needs to evade the police. First from the midpoint crash scene, and then again later at the Act 4 failure point. For some reason unbenknownst to me, I wasn’t sure that these two scenes were all I needed, until just now when I wrote the ending scene. In addition, while I was hoping to have the resolution scene outlined last night, none of it came to me at all, and I was totally blanking on a satisfying ending until just now, this morning, somewhere between feeding the cat and answering other techy emails. I guess my subconscious needed to sleep on it one more day, once again affirming the constant role of patient faith that the “eureka moment” is always right around the corner, so long as I commit to seeking it out.

FINAL SCENES:

Ruth walks over to the kid. She gets down on her knees and puts her hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t like the intrusion.

KID

What are you going to do to me?

RUTH

Help.

The sound of POLICE SIRENS approaches from the distance.

KID

What are they gonna do?

RUTH

Help. You’ll see.

FADE OUT:

INT. APPLE STORE, CALIFORNIA – DAY

Chuck walks into the store wearing an employee badge. A manager, much younger than him greets him.

MANAGER

Good morning Chuck.

CHUCK

Good morning.

MANAGER

We got a large crowd today. They’re lookin’ pretty grizzled. Did you do the prep?

Chuck looks into the other room. A group of disgruntled looking senior citizens grappling with phones and tablets are gathered on wooden blocks and other exceptionally bright-colored furniture.

CHUCK

Yeah. I’m ready for this.

Chuck walks over to them.

CHUCK

Good morning.

They look up. Some surprised. Some relieved, but they are attentive.

CHUCK

(continuing; speaking loud above the din)

OK. First things first. Who says we get out of here and go somewhere you can all hear and see me?

They all nod.

CHUCK

There’s comfortable benches in the scuplture garden around back. Lets do this!

FADE TO BLACK

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Climax

(Really? A great title for a raunchy comedy)

This always happens: I start writing. I think I’ve done the task at hand, and I “publish/submit” and then, an hour later I think of more ways to make it better. I’ve already got two more ideas to strengthen this, but that’s what rewrites are for right? Here’s the first draft. I did it. I got closure to the physical part of the plot. I could drag that fight out more and more, depending on the producer’s desired budget or time lengths, but I know it will still end with the Antagonist contained, humbled and the Protagonists wounded and scarred but otherwise able to walk away with their lives and hope for a future. that “20 percent” rule is a real game-changer.

EXT. RAVINE – DUSK

The Kid stares at the wreckage of his zombie car as he hyperventilates with anger.

He crawls down into the wreckage.

He finds a rock and smashes into what’s left of the opaque front windshield. It doesn’t easily give, but he persists until light breaks into the interior.

He cleans off broken glass and reaches in deep to grab a monitor secured to the dashboard with velcro.

He shakes it until it comes to life. It shows a beacon coming closer to him. He hears a car approaching.

He crawls to the edge of the ravine and scurries up the bank. He peers over the edge to see a Volkswagon bus pulling up, blaring a classic rock traveling anthem.

It screeches to a halt. Chuck steps out and observes the scene.

The kid’s tesla is on the other side of the hole, but the kid is nowhere in sight. Chuck walks to the edge of the ravine.

The kid does his best to shove himself into a crevice on the wall of the ravine, becoming one with the clay, even painting some on his face.

Chuck turns and nods to the vehicle.

Ruth steps out and approaches Chuck.

CHUCK

We know you’re here. We come in peace if you do.

SOMETHING SHOEMTHING. Ruth takes a break. It doesn’t seem to be working, or Chuck intervenes because its too scary because the kid is testing her to see if she’s afraid.

CHUCK

That’s right. I’m gonna protect her. Because I love her. That’s what gives my life purpose.

KID

Oh yeah? well you crushed my purpose.

CHUCK

Because you used it as a weapon.

KID

Better than a gun. You’re still alive aren’t you? Besides, You sure you didn’t deserve it?

CHUCK

Ok, you think I deserve it? Tell you what. I’ll put down my gun if you put down your phone.

The kid slowly pulls his phone out and thinks long and hard.

CHUCK

I’m serious.

Chuck throws the gun into the sagebrush and puts his hands up.

the kid slowly puts his phone on the ground at his feet.

KID

I’m still thinkin’ about it.

Chuck looks over at Ruth. She eggs him on with a nod.

CHUCK

(in his relaxed late night DJ voice)

What’s your name?

KID

Why does it matter?

CHUCK

We all got names. Mine is Chuck.

KID

I’m Brad.

CHUCK

Where you from?

KID

Why does it matter?

CHUCK

Just tryin’ to get to know you. Tryin’ to see you as something more than a faceless psycho who’s been terrorizing my wife for the past 2 days.

KID

Its not my fault she was in the car when you were trying to hunt me down.

CHUCK

You need to understand something. If I’m in only one in the car, its a tool. If she’s in the car, its a vessel. a sanctuary.

KID

Wasn’t that enough for you? You were free to go, why’d you come back here? Who’s terrorizin who now? Get your son or whoever that is drivin’ the van to take you far away from here.

CHUCK

(back to normal voice)

OK enough of this crap. You want me to leave, make me. C’mon, lets fight it out. Here’s your chance.

He starts walking right to the kid.

KID

What are you gonna attack me?

CHUCK

Are you a minor?

KID

No.

CHUCK

Then yes. Don’t you think you can take a middle-aged old man?

The kid starts backing away.

KID

I’ll press charges!

CHUCK

I’ll pay the fines. Then you’ll get arrested.

The kid runs to his car and starts it up. He starts driving straight for Chuck. Chuck runs into the sagebrush.

the kid circles the sagebrush, afraid to drive straight in.

Chuch searches for his gun while the kid looks for a way in, but Chuck is smart enough to stay in the dense part.

Still, he ventures out as much as he can in search of the gun.

He trips on a rock and falls hard. The car turns to head straight for him. Chuck looks up in fear.

But then his look changes to panic.

CHUCK

Ruth! No!

Ruth appears between the Tesla and Chuck. The Kid slams on the breaks.

RUTH

It’s over here!

She reaches into the brush and pulls out the gun.

The kid’s face changes from shock to betrayal.

She throws the gun to Chuck.

Chuck points the gun at the kid’s tires.

The kid kicks it in hard reverse as Chuck shoots.

The Tesla fights sagebrush, rocks and sand as it retreats slowly as Chuck shoots at the front tires. He tries to stand up and walk but he’s limping now, and falling.

Ruth puts out her hand. Chuck takes it and gets back up. Together they walk towards the retreating kid.

Chuck points the gun with one hand and cradles Ruth with the other, as she helps support him.

Chuck finally hits one tire. The kid continues his retreat.

RUTH

How many more bullets are in that thing?

CHUCK

Uhh, I forget.

The kid gets more desperate as Chuck and Ruth slowly gain.

Chuck gets the other front tire.

They are on the car now. The kid finally stops the car.

Chuck shoots the door handle. It jams the door. The kid can’t get out.

Chuck walks around to the back of the car and points at a back tire, but CLICK CLICK. No more bullets.

Chuck walks up to where the kid can see him. he taps on the glass to get the kid’s attention.

the kid looks up at the gun with fear in his eyes. He stops wrestling with the door.

Now that Chuck has his full attention, Chuck points the gun away from the kid and CLICK CLICK CLICK into the air.

He non-chalantly tosses the gun away again. Ruth shakes her head.

The kid scrambles to the other side of the vehicle and tries other doors. They seem jammed too. Chuck smiles.

Then the back hatch opens. The kid scrambles to the back.

CHUCK

No you don’t!

Chuck lunges for the kid’s leg. They both fall to the ground.

It’s a wrestling match with sand, dirt, sage and sun.

The kid manages to get on top of Chuck and throws the first punch into his nose. But it’s pretty wimpy.

CHUCK

That’s what I thought.

Chuck rolls him around and punches him in the gut. The kid doubles over in tears.

Chuck pulls out handcuffs and handcuffs the kid to the handle of the car. Then he gets up and looks around.

CHUCK

Hey dear, could you help me find his phone?

RUTH

It’s over there.

Chuck starts to hobble over.

RUTH

Here, I’ll get it.

Ruth runs over and gets the phone. They meet halfway.

CHUCK

How do you call 911 on this thing?

[Joe Donato]

<div>As I wrote based on the screen outlines, I found my actual sequence of
events shifting and turning to make more scenes that just the two key scenes, but my focus was hitting
the two main points of those scenes while continuing to build up to the main conflict. I
got Chuck to do 2 things that were holding him back: 1 – acquiese to
listen to his wife and work together with her, despite still having
doubts about her plan. 2 – Risk sacrificing the RV of his own choosing (not
as a victim), thus letting go of his “ability to run away and escape, not just the dangerous kid, or new tech, but his own career struggles. Not sure if that is obvious or not yet, but I can fix
that in rewrites. Besides, I like it not being entirely on-the-nose anyways. In either case, the Climax is all setup…</div><div>

EXT. RV IN THE MOUNTAINS – DAY

The tow truck arrives with Chuck and Ruth. They get out and walk up to their RV, still in the same condition they left it.

CHUCK

There she is. Have at it.

The tow guy gazes at the site, but respectfully refrains from snarky remarks. His face shows that he’s thinking a lot more than he cares to express.

Series of shots:

Tow guy underneath, banging at something.

Tow guy on top of RV bending over and measuring.

Tow guy scraping edging.

Chuck and Ruth cling to each other as they watch. Ruth occasionally scans the horizon with a serious look.

Tow guy rocking the RV back and forth.

Tow guy poking at the wheels.

Finally, tow guy walks up to them.

TOW GUY

Uhhh, I hate to break it to you, but this wasn’t just running over some rocks and underbrush. There’s evidence of pre-sabotage here.

CHUCK

Whuhh?

TOW GUY

Uh yeah, I’m talkin broken hoses that were cut with a knife, some electrical wires cut off to your gauges.

RUTH

So you’re saying someone had access to our vehicle?

CHUCK

You sure its not possible that someone just did that overnight, while we were in town?

TOW GUY

Why would someone do that? Does anyone else know that you’re here?

CHUCK

I dunno. I mean, just sayin’

TOW GUY

Well look, I can tow it in but it might take a few hours to get it on the truck the way it is.

CHUCK

But it can be fixed right?

TOW GUY

(long pause)

(deep sigh)

IIIII, I dont know.

CHUCK

I mean if the frame ain’t rusted, anything can be fixed right?

TOW GUY

Welll, yeah theoretically, buuut

CHUCK

But what, what are you saying?

TOW GUY

I’m saying I don’t want to fix it.

CHUCK

You’re saying you don’t have the skills and talent and patience to fix it.

RUTH

Chuck

TOW GUY

Well, now I’m saying I really don’t want to fix it.

CHUCK

(angry)

Fine, but you’re towing this thing to someone who can. Someone maybe a little older, with a better work ethic perhaps?

RUTH

Excuse me, can you give us a minute?

Tow guy gives them their minute. Ruth grabs Chuck. They walk.

CHUCK

I am NOT surrending that RV. That may be a busted up bucket of bolts but its all we got!

RUTH

When do you think he got at it?

CHUCK

Huh?

RUTH

Focus for a minute. When would he have sabotaged it?

CHUCK

(thinking)

I dunno, It must’ve been in the Walmart parking lot. But how did he know we were even there?

RUTH

He found us. But how?

CHUCK

I dunno, maybe he went back to the zombie car and got the tracking gadget connected to our phone.

RUTH

And then what? Why would he continue to track us?

CHUCK

Wait, give me your phone. Open up that app.

She opens the phone and the app.

Chuck puts his license plate into the app. It shows up, right where they are.

CHUCK.

Now wait a second. Lets walk some more.

They walk further away from the RV and the Tow Guy.

TOW GUY

Uhh, is everything OK?

CHUCK

Yeah yeah, we’ll be right back, just start prepping for the tow!

They get about 200 feet away from the RV site. Chuck checks their location. It hasn’t changed at all.

CHUCK

It’s not our phone. He’s got a tracking unit on that thing somewhere! I saw this somewhere on a TV show once. This guy dismantled the entire car to find the tracking device.

(to Tow guy)

Wait! Wait! Nevermind!

The tow guy, currently hooking his tow chain to the Rv, looks up at Chuck as Chuck comes running.

CHUCK

I got another job.

Tow guy just looks at him.

CHUCK

you think you can help me find a tracking device?

TOW GUY

Uhh, Active or passive?

CHUCK

Huh?

TOW GUY

(sigh)

Yeah yeah, hang on.

Series of shots:

Tow guy does thorough search of every part of the electrical system of vehicle. Doesn’t find anything.

TOW GUY

Nothing active

(to Ruth)

OK nothing active.

RUTH

(to Chuck)

what does that mean?

(to Tow Guy)

What does that mean?

TOW GUY

It means you’re not being tracked in real time.

CHUCK

How do you know that?

TOW GUY

Because I didn’t find anything connected to your electrical system and it would have to have been receiving electrical power all this time to maintain constant GPS locating. Got it?

CHUCK

Uhh

RUTH

OK I think I get it.

TOW GUY

However, that doesn’t mean there’s not a passive system on there somewhere.

CHUCK

And how does that w-

TOW GUY

Basically it means it collects data so it stores where you’ve been and then sends that information periodically back to the tracker whenever it gets near an open internet connection or other powered network source.

CHUCK

Sooo

TOW GUY

It means I’m gonna have to flip the car over, and I can’t guarantee I won’t do irreversible damage in the process, and I’m gonna need some help.

CHUCK

OK, gimme a minute.

Chuck uses Ruth’s phone to make a call.

INT. VOLKSWAGON CAMPER – CONTINUING

VW Driver’s phone rings.

VW DRIVER

Yo… Chucko! What? A mission? Sure thing! But I’m at the LoneStar Casino. Right on the border of California & Nevada. Can you meet me?… Well then. How about we do it remote? I can talk you through it…

CHUCK (O.S. ON PHONE)

Uhh, I don’t think that’s gonna work. But I promise you I’ll make it worth your while.

VW DRIVER

OK then, but I’ll need a couple of hours and gas money.

CHUCK

Sure thing. Drive to where you picked us up and call us when you get there if we’re not there already.

Click.

BACK TO CHUCK AT RV

Chuck stares at the RV for a long time. He pulls a tire iron from the trunk.

CHUCK

Ok then. What do we have to do?

TOW GUY (ON PHONE)

Start with the front bumpers. See how they’re stuck on the cactus?

Chuck stabs the Tire Iron into the RV bumper area.

RV – Late afternoon

The RV is upside-down like a turtle on his back. Ruth sits down on a section of kitchen table that was removed.

RUTH

Well?

TOW GUY

Nothin… yet.

CHUCK

One more conference.

He walks to Ruth and sits down beside her.

CHUCK

Ok, so he didn’t get inside the vehicle. Maybe that’s why he went with the passive system instead of active.

RUTH

So while we were sleeping, he fiddled with the outside.

CHUCK

No. Because he would’ve made too much noise getting all up in there.

RUTH

When else were we preoccupied enough for him to tamper with the car?

CHUCK

When we were getting gas. And we were arguing. He could’ve totally snuck around, skinny little wormy kid like that. Slid underneath the car, and back around the other side in no time.

RUTH

But why? Why so early? We weren’t even a threat then. He didn’t know us from Adam.

CHUCK

That’s what so scary!

Tow guy shoves his skinny arm into the exhaust system and rattles around.

TOW GUY

Aha! Just like noodlin’ for catfish in the Colorado!

He fishes out a reluctant small black box and waves it in the air triumphantly.

CHUCK

Lets go.

EXT. HIGHWAY ON HILLY TERRAIN – DAY

Chuck and Ruth wait by the side of the road, peering down the highway silently.

Finally in the distance the VW appears.

CHUCK

How long has it been since we left the hotel?

RUTH

You do have a watch you know.

Chuck starts to look at his watch while she checks her phone.

RUTH

Six hours. Why?

Chuck shrugs.

CHUCK

He could be in Mexico, even Canada by now.

RUTH

I just hope he hasn’t done anything else yet.

INT. VOLKSWAGON CAMPER – DAY

Chuck shows the RV driver the tracking box.

CHUCK

Great, usb 3.0.

CHUCK

That’s good then?

VW driver just smiles, as he plugs the gadget into his laptop.

CHUCK

Wait a sec. Is he going to be able to upload the tracking info now?

VW DRIVER

Uhhh, not sure exactly, but IF he does do that, I’ll know.

He clicks and taps and drags on the screen.

CHUCK

OK, then just let me know if he does it.

Beep

VW DRIVER

he just did it…

(pause)

But all its going to do it tell him that you’re still in the desert and haven’t gone anywhere.

(pause)

And that’s even if he’s reading it now. It’s probably just automatic and he’ll see it when he checks his email next

(pause)

But he might be OCD like most kids these days and have that urgent need to check and know everything all the time right away for that immediate adrenaline rush thing

(pause)

And actually, I don’t know if even giving him all the information, or just telling him that a new system has been activated, which may be more important info to him anyways cause he’ll actually know that you found it

CHUCK

STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!

Awkward silence.

CHUCK

we want. To know. The location. Can you jus tell us that?

VW DRIVER

Oh yeah. Now that you asked.

He cicks and taps and drags and notions to the screen map.

VW DRIVER

Boom.

CHUCK

Zoom in.

He taps and drags on the screen map.

RUTH

that’s the construction bridge. The site of the crash.

CHUCK

Cause he wants to salvage, understandable.

RUTH

Or he’s visiting the gravesite ’cause he’s still grieving.

VW DRIVER

Well, its only a half hour away.

</div>

[Joe Donato]

I always have a degree of confusion between the exact place where one Act ends and the other begins. To me, the “Journey Home” begins after this last scene with Chuck practicing shooting a gun for the first time, but you could also argue that it ends before this scene, with him making the plan in the motel with his wife to hunt/find the kid before going to the cops. Either way. The story is moving forward as it should and I’m happy about that.

here’s a link to Act 3, draft 1…

https://www.dropbox.com/s/4b91jfp81jvfaur/Trek%20act%203%20-%201.pdf?dl=0

[Joe Donato]

I’ve been confused about where the turning point begins and ends, because it changes a little bit each time i re-read it. I find I’m very non-linear and have to move forward into Act 4 to find out where my moments of dramatic change really land right. For now, Its at least at 20 percent, so I’m moving on, and I’ll let everything else get fixed in the rewrite.

EXT. HIGHWAY ON HILLY TERRAIN – EVENING

The kid speeds down the highway in his Saturn. Las Vegas city lights appear in the distance.

A state highway patrol car approaches in the opposite lane. The sirens turn on as it approaches him. But then it passes.

He breathes a huge sigh of relief as a mix of sweat and a tear rolls down his face.

INT. RV – NIGHT

CHUCK

What am I supposed to do, just sit here and rot? I don’t get a chance to redeem myself?

RUTH

If you go hitchhiking at this hour, and leave me all alone?

CHUCK

Are you absolutely sure you’d prefer to stay here?

Ruth looks around.

RUTH

Everthing we own is right here. We took a gamble and packed it all up and sold everything else. Are you absolutely sure you should leave me here alone?

BANG, RUSTLE from outside. The RV shifts a little bit.

CHUCK

That! What the hell was that?

SNORTING and other Pig sounds from outside.

Chuck opens a small window and shoves his head out to see a pack of wild pigs, ravaging the leaking septic system tank.

CHUCK

Shoo, get!

He spies a scorpion crawling up the side of the RV. He pulls his head back in and shuts the window, letting the hogs win.

CHUCK

I don’t know what’s next. Coyotes, I suspect.

RUTH

Can they get in the cabin?

CHUCK

Not the pigs or coyote, but a mouse or other small rodent, or a snake chasing a mouse or other small rodent might crawl through the holes.

He locks the window tight.

RUTH

(shaky voice)

Well, when I was growing up on the farm, we never worried about rodents in the summertime because it wasn’t cold enough to make them want to escape the outside.

CHUCK

OK. Lets go with that.

He wipes sweat from his brow. He looks around. He opens the fridge. He grabs the last can of beer.

CHUCK

I could’ve sworn we had at least one more bottle of water.

RUTH

Maybe it got lost in the crash.

CHUCK

Did the fridge pop open? Is there anything else missing?

RUTH

All I know is I didn’t drink it. Would’ve had to pee hours ago if I did.

CHUCK

Are you sure you don’t blame me? Are you really sure?

She looks right at him.

RUTH

(stoic, gingerly)

Oh sweetheart, I dont’ blame you. How could you have stopped this? How could you have known? You were defending us. And you were so brave. I don’t blame you at all.

Chuck straightens his spine and takes a guzzle with pride.

As he does, Ruth turns away wincing, and punches a pillow. She returns to the gingerly look just in time before he looks back her way.

He crawls into the bed with her and puts his arms around her.

CHUCK

OK, here’s the plan. Lets try to get some sleep, and in the morning, if we’re still alive, first thing in the morning, before it gets too hot, we’ll walk to the main road and flag down help.

RUTH

And if he comes back before then?

CHUCK

Why would he come back? he won.

RUTH

OK, I’ll try to go with that.

They lie down, but their eyes are wide open. The hogs are still digging away outside.

CHUCK

You don’t deserve this.

RUTH

Nobody deserves this.

CHUCK

Not even me for failing you?

RUTH

Are you here? right now, in my arms? Talking to me? Then guess what, you haven’t abandoned me. therefore you haven’t failed me. You only failed yourself.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s middle scenes…

I am wondering if this is “enough”, but I’m erring on the side of “less is more”. and I am reminding myself that anything that doesnt make sense now can be fixed in rewrites. That is very helpful to get over my “its not good enough so don’t settle for THAT” censoring inner voice that I’ve been enslaved to over the past 20 years…

INT. RV ON HIGHWAY

CHUCK

When we get to a Walmart, we’ll park. We’ll be safe for the night, and if any police come a callin’, we’ll tell them anything they want to know.

EXT. KID IN TESLA

Kid tries to move car in reverse. He hits the gears really hard. It doesn’t work.

He finally busts the sunroof open and climbs out the top.

He walks over to the bag. Inside is a bottle of water and some beef jerky. He eats and drinks ravenously.

He looks at the car. Then he looks around at the barren desert, and sighs.

INT. RV IN WALMART PARKING LOT

Chuck pulls in and parks while Ruth hangs up the phone.

RUTH

Well, I told them where he is. I told them where we are. I’d like to think this whole nightmare might be over. Are we staying here for the night?

CHUCK

Hell no. As far as I’m concerned it ain’t over until I deliver you safely to the Sunny shores of San Diego.

RUTH

Oh dear heavens, aren’t you exhausted? Don’t you need a little rest?

CHUCK

I won’t get a damn bit of rest knowing he’s still out there! We’ll rest here a little bit, then I’ll drive all night if I have to.

CUT TO:

Chuck is snoring on the bed in the back of the RV. Ruth reads a book about psychologuy and eats a fruit salad.

EXT. TESLA IN DESERT

Kid has gathered wood and brush and is stuffing it under the tires. He gets back in the car and revs the engine.

Nothing.

He switches back and forth, and rocks the car forward and back as hard as he can.

The car rocks, but then settles into the sand.

He drinks some more water and jerky, and then tries again.

The Tesla finally pulls free, slowly slugging backwards. Then it launches free with a backwards jolt.

The second it lands on the ground, the kid switches gears and drives forward, straight for the road.

PLACEHOLDER: CHUCK AND RUTH AT WALMART. CHUCK CONSIDERS BUYING A GUN.

EXT. HIGHWAY ON HILLY TERRAIN

CHUCK

How long has it been now since we left the Walmart?

RUTH

3 hours.

CHUCK

You think he’s still stuck there?

Ruth looks up to the top of an upcoming hill.

RUTH

No. I don’t.

The Tesla is at the top of the hill, like a vulture perched on a mountaintop. It starts down the road, chasing them.

CHUCK

Ahh hell. Well we got plenty of gas, and he hasn’t learned his lesson yet I see.

Chuck floors it.

RUTH

What are you- AHHHHH

CHUCK

I’m going to outrun the little shit. he can chase me all the way through Barstow for all I care.

They move closer and closer to each other, with the Tesla moving perpendicular to an intersection.

Chuck doesn’t flinch, but keeps moving to the intersection.

Chuck gets there first and passes him by just a few carlengths. The Tesla screeches past.

Chuck drives past a sign with a truck icon on a steep slope.

The RV starts descending, steeper, steeper.

The Tesla appears in Chucks Rearview mirror.

INTERCUT BETWEEN TESLA AND RV AND HIGHWAY

RUTH

Please slow down!

CHUCK

So long as he’s behind us, no way.

The Tesla gets closer, and closer.

CHUCK

Its ok, there’s always a leveling at the bottom of a hill.

Another sign for a Truck Runoff exit.

The kid presses a button on his phone.

A small utility truck crosses quickly in front of Chuck and spills a barrel of rocks and metal and glass across the highway, then disappears.

Chuck hits the breaks, and hydroplanes through the rubble.

He turns quickly into the truck runuff. His tires POP and HISS.

CHUCK

That milennial pice of sh-

He steers the RV and comes to a halt.

Steam or smoke creeps out of the hood.

Fluid leaks into the desert dirt.

The Tesla flies into the scene at full speed.

the Tesla spins circles around the stranded RV, showing off its high-tech wheels and shiny exterior. It makes other cool electric sounds as it comes to a halt in the open space in front of the RV.

Chuck and Ruth stare at it. Not saying a word.

The Tesla abruptly starts up again, and does a few victory donuts in the desert sand before simply driving off.

Chuck gets out of the RV. He pops the hood and observes the damage. He falls on all fours and looks underneath, observing the leaking fluid soaking into the desert floor.

He covers his face with his hands and cries out with sadness and defeat.

Ruth gets out of the car and walks over to him.

RUTH

Are you ok?

CHUCK

I failed you. I failed you Ruthie!

He sobs, a broken man. Ruth cradles him, showing him nothing but empathy… for now.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Act 3 reaction to midpoint

I don’t always know when I’m writing where the midpoint and the reaction scenes begin and end, and how much the placeholders hold tight. This scene wasn’t even in the outline like this, but it just flowed out as I was writing, and I think it is a uniquely strong reaction to my midpoint from my protagonist that I wasnt expecting. It is a great scene for the trailer, and for the two actors. I even thought of a comedian that I think would be perfect for the protagonist.

KID IN TESLA

The kid’s face turns white and wide-eyed with genuine fear as he spins out of control in a cloud of dust.

it crashes into a cactus, pinning the kid’s door shut. He sees the RV stopped.

CHUCK IN RV

CHUCK

This.

(puts it in park)

Ends.

(turns keys)

Now.

(opens door)

KID IN TESLA

He sees Chuck approaching as he continues to struggle to get the car to move. Chuck continues to approach with a disturbingly casual stroll.

He gets to the passenger side of the Tesla and peers in. He mockingly makes a gesture to the kid to roll the window down.

The kid just shakes his head no.

Chuck sighs and puts his hands up in a mocking “you win, I surrender” pose. Then looks around. Nothing but desert in all directions.

He starts to walk around the car, examining it.

He tries to pry open the gas tank plug. But no success.

He climbs onto the back bumper and bounces up and down. He starts singing.

CHUCK

Born to be willld! Boooorn to be wiilld!

He jumps off.

INT. TESLA

The Kid watches as Chuck approaches each of the cameras and smashes them with a rock, one at a time, filling the kid with an unhealthy mix of rage and helplessness.

With all his screens black, and all kinds of warnings on the car going off, the kid looks through all the windows, but has no idea where Chuck went.

He finally starts to open the window. All he hears is the soft stillness of the desert wind. And then

THUMK

Chuck appears not unlike a Twilight Zone gremlin on the wing of a plane.

the kid jumps, giving Chuck affirmation that he can scare him straight.

CHUCK

Now you listen to me. Leave us the hell alone. Yes that’s a damn threat you worthless waste of otherwise perfectly good stardust! Save it for your video games.

The kid just sits there, staring at him stonefaced.

CHUCK

You got anything at all to say for yourself?

The kid remains silent and becomes eerily stoic.

CHUCK

Nothing at all?

KID

Kill me.

CHUCK

What?

KID

Kill me. I want you too. Just like you killed my car. That was everything I worked for for the past 2 years. Now I got nothin. Nothing to live for. Especially with the world you’re leaving us.

Chuck takes a step back, banging into the cactus.

KID

I mean, you’re killing us all anyway. Instead of dying slowly over time, why not just take me out right now. It’s poetic justice!

CHUCK

You’re serious?

KID

I think so.

CHUCK

Now you listen to me punk, I got a wife and it’s my one mission to get her to the coast so she can see her family and start retirement. I’m damned if I’m gonna let you mess with my head after everything we’ve been through!

CHUCK

It’s nonsense. You’re delirious from all this dry air.

KID

I’ll tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you.

CHUCK

Wha?

KID

If you make it to the coast, you win, and I’ll leave you alone. But if you don’t… I win.

CHUCK

You win what?

KID

I just win. Because you lose.

CHUCK

You need help kid.

KID

Then help me. Help me get out of here.

Chuck hesitates.

KID

Don’t trust me do you?

CHUCK

Hell no. Trust has to be earned.

KID

Yeah, that goes both ways don’t it?

Chuck leaves him.

KID

(continuing; yelling)

You can’t kill me? And you can’t help me? OK boomer! It’s on!

CHUCK

I’m not a boomer you moron.

Chuck walks back to RV.

INT. RV

Chuck climbs into driver’s seat and starts the car.

RUTH

You’re leaving him stuck like that?

CHUCK

He’s delerious! He can’t be trusted. Once you have a signal again, we’ll call the police, they’ll come and get him.

RUTH

Does he have water?

CHUCK

I’m not going back there to check!

Chuck begins to drive.

INT. TESLA

the Kid watches the RV drive away. He winces and puts his head back in surrender to the elements. Then he opens his eyes again and watches the RV drive away.

He sees the passenger side window open and Ruth’s arm waving a small cooler bag. She drops it as they drive off. His demeanor changes.

[Joe Donato]

Joe has completed ACT 2, draft 1

No to be overly-confident but in all honesty, I do think I’d rate this at more like a 25-30 percent quality level. 😄 But knowing I’m going to rewrite it is a very freeing thought. I’d never have gotten this far without that understanding.

I find myself outlining some of the scenes in my head. I don’t always have all 3 parts of a scene outline (beginning, middle, end) before I start writing. Sometimes I only have one part written down, and an inkling of another part in my head, and then as I write, I come up with the third part; usually motivated by how I link it to a previous scene. Outlining like this is a very new process for me, but very useful.

Here’s my link to ACT 2 draft 1:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/eufj13rvia7rrah/Trek%20act%201%20-1.pdf?dl=0

[Joe Donato]

OK I confess, I did not outline this scene. I just rolled with the conflict, knowing what needed to happen on a dramatic level. So in that sense, the ending WAS outlined… in my head. A bunch of interesting stuff happened because of that, that is staying true to the outline and the “shift in meaning”. I also found myself breaking one of my initial rules that i was going to try to obey: not having the antagonist talk until the very end. But then this scene happened, and it feels good. I was reading facts about Jaws, and how many people are surprised to learn that the shark doesn’t get revealed until the midpoint of that movie, but nobody is complaining about that. The movie still works despite that. It’s actually a strength of the movie. So in that sense, waiting until halfway through the movie to reveal him to the protagonists was an accomplishment enough. I think it’s time to show the shark, lest I’m tempted to “jump the shark”.

INT. RV – CONTINUING

RUTH

Who is he, do we know him?

CHUCK

Never seen him before in my life.

RUTH

Maybe he needs help.

CHUCK

Oh he definitely needs help. Maybe he should have thought of that before he unleashed his zombie car. You know, the one we just destroyed.

RUTH

Maybe we should try to hide?

CHUCK

Maybe we should run him off the road into a ravine.

RUTH

Dear God Charles! It’s just a kid!

CHUCK

A kid that’s been terrorizing us for the past 2 days. I’m sure he’s over 18. 18 year-olds have no legal claim to being “just a kid”. Wish I had a gun.

RUTH

What?

CHUCK

So I could take out his tires.

RUTH

Of course, of course. That’s sooo your style.

CHUCK

Fine, you can mock my ignorance about cross country road rage all you want but I’m not afraid of stupid confused college kid.

RUTH

Maybe you should be. The confused ones are the worst kind!

CHUCK

Are you really going to sit there and try and pretend you’re not terrified right now! Especially after these past few years? What kind of a husband would I be if I just sat there and tolerated that kind of harrassment?

The Tesla is much closer now.

CHUCK

You know its people like him that made me retire early. They’re taking over! There’s no harmony in the workplace anymore. They may be taking our jobs, but I’m not letting them take our leisure! The roads are still ours. I’m not going to hide, I’m not going to run! I’m not going to be treated like a plaything anymore. If someone has to teach this kid a lesson it might as well be us.

The kid’s Tesla is right behind them and is dangerously close: tailing the RV at 70 mph.

Chuck slows down on purpose.

INT. TESLA – CONTINUING

The kid is furious. Weaves left and right. He slams the horn.

CHUCK

Look at him. He’s seriously agitated now. My driving must be gettin’ under his pimply hormone-raged skin.

RUTH

I know that feeling!

The kid veers into the other lane and he drives up next to the RV.

Chuck does not speed up.

CHUCK

Oh good. We finally get to see his inexperienced entitled little face and his 1st-world problems.

RUTH

Charles you have NO IDEA what’s going in that kid’s head. Please be the adult here.

CHUCK

Oh, you don’t think I’m being the adult huh? I Tell you what, I’ll give him a lecture right now.

The kid is driving right next to them now. Chuck observes him calmly.

CHUCK

Well, I don’t see any guns. That’s not like your kind is it?

Chuck rolls his window down, but from the RV driver’s seat, Chuck is too high to see the kid.

CHUCK

I know you’re in there! Apparently your parents never taught you manners huh?

INT. TESLA – CONTINUING

The kid watches and listens to Chuck from the video feed from the right side of the car.

CHUCK

I’d tell you to call me but I decided its better to just destroy my phone along with your zombie car, especially now that you’ve taken it over. I already cancelled all my credit cards. But I got cash now. But you know what else? I’m not afraid no damn punk Gen Z. Got that?

THE KID

(to himself)

OK, boomer.

The kid turns a hard right, right into the side of the RV and holds that position.

Chuck fights to stay on the road. The two cars veer all over the road as Ruth wails and wails.

Chuck is smiling, and still has the window open.

CHUCK

I might be old and drive an outdated gas guzzler, but you know what kiddo? I’m still bigger than you! Get off my road!

Chuck holds his position as the road curves right.

The Tesla can’t compete. It veers into the desert sagebrush, and flips.

KID IN TESLA

The kid’s face turns white and wide-eyed with genuine fear as he spins out of control in a cloud of dust.

it crashes into a cactus, pinning the kid’s door shut. He sees the RV stopped.

CHUCK IN RV

CHUCK

This.

(puts it in park)

Ends.

(turns keys)

Now.

(opens door)

KID IN TESLA

He sees Chuck approaching as he continues to struggle to get the car to move. Chuck continues to approach with a disturbingly casual stroll.

He gets to the passenger side of the Tesla and peers in. He mockingly makes a gesture to the kid to roll the window down.

The kid just shakes his head no.

Chuck sighs and puts his hands up in a mocking “you win, I surrender” pose. Then looks around. Nothing but desert in all directions.

He starts to walk around the car, examining it.

He tries to pry open the gas tank plug. But no success.

He climbs onto the back bumper and bounces up and down. He starts singing.

CHUCK

Born to be willld! Boooorn to be wiilld!

He jumps off.

INT. TESLA

The Kid watches as Chuck approaches each of the cameras and smashes them with a rock, one at a time, filling the kid with an unhealthy mix of rage and helplessness.

With all his screens black, and all kinds of warnings on the car going off, the kid looks through all the windows, but has no idea where Chuck went.

He finally starts to open the window. All he hears is the soft stillness of the desert wind. And then

THUMK

Chuck appears not unlike a Twilight Zone gremlin on the wing of a plane.

the kid jumps, giving Chuck affirmation that he can scare him straight.

CHUCK

Now you listen to me. Leave us the hell alone. Yes that’s a damn threat you worthless waste of otherwise perfectly good stardust! Save it for your video games.

The kid just sits there, staring at him stonefaced.

CHUCK

You got anything at all to say for yourself?

The kid remains silent and becomes eerily stoic.

CHUCK

Nothing at all?

KID

Kill me.

CHUCK

What?

KID

Kill me. I want you too. Just like you killed my car. That was everything I worked for for the past 2 years. Now I got nothin. Nothing to live for. Especially with the world you’re leaving us.

Chuck takes a step back, banging into the cactus.

KID

I mean, you’re killing us all anyway. Instead of dying slowly over time, why not just take me out right now. It’s poetic justice!

CHUCK

You’re serious?

KID

I think so.

CHUCK

Now you listen to me punk, I got a wife and it’s my one mission to get her to the coast so she can see her family and start retirement. I’m damned if I’m gonna let you mess with my head after everything we’ve been through!

CHUCK

It’s nonsense. You’re delirious from all this dry air.

KID

I’ll tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you.

CHUCK

Wha?

KID

If you make it to the coast, you win, and I’ll leave you alone. But if you don’t… I win.

CHUCK

You win what?

KID

I just win. Because you lose.

CHUCK

You need help kid.

KID

Then help me. Help me get out of here.

Chuck hesitates.

KID

Don’t trust me do you?

CHUCK

Hell no. Trust has to be earned.

KID

Yeah, that goes both ways don’t it?

Chuck leaves him.

KID

(continuing; yelling)

You can’t kill me? And you can’t help me? OK boomer! It’s on!

CHUCK

I’m not a boomer you moron.

Chuck walks back to RV.

INT. RV

Chuck climbs into driver’s seat and starts the car.

RUTH

You’re leaving him stuck like that?

CHUCK

He’s delerious! He can’t be trusted. Once you have a signal again, we’ll call the police, they’ll come and get him.

RUTH

Does he have water?

CHUCK

I’m not going back there to check!

Chuch begins to drive.

INT. TESLA

the Kid watches the RV drive away. He sees the passenger side window open and Ruth’s arm waving a bottle of water in the air. She drops it as they drive off.

[Joe Donato]

After outlining, I added some scenes, and some placeholders. I think I’m understanding the value of outlining those scenes and then filling in the scenes in between later. For me, its a mix of outlining and also just writing linearly without knowing where it’s going. When I was hung up on, what should happen for the 2nd key scene, I just started writing linearly, and THAT allowed me to discover where the key scene should go and how it should play out.

Here’s six pages, including key scene 3…

Key Scene 2: Protagonist makes a plan and executes it.

They somehow use the vehicle as bait, to “trap” the renegade car. They successfully divert the car and the mother/son flee safely.

But then its back! Following them.

The car reappears for 2 more scenes, and Chuck and Ruth save the day. Finally, Chuck decides he’s had enough of this, and with the help of another RV owner, they successfully take down the car. they think they’ve put an end to the threat.

Key Scene 3: Not only does their plan fail, but…

The kid suddenly appears in his car, and this kid is not reserved like Chuck: he’s willing to risk it all. And now its personal, he going straight for the RV in his own vehicle like a hungry shark.

Key Scene 4: Now that Chuck realizes he’s up against an inferior member of the human species, he is ready to take him on and he’s also ready to risk the RV (which means risking delivering his wife to the promised land).

CUT TO:

RV. HIGHWAY. SAME.

They’ve switched places. Chuck turns the car around and they drive West, into the setting sun.

INT. RV

RUTH

I gotta admit, it sure as hell felt good that we saved that mother and child like we did.

CHUCK

Hell yeah.

Chuck looks at the gas gage. It’s approaching EMPTY. The “low gas” alert DINGS.

RUTH

Running low huh?

CHUCK

We should make it.

She sighs heavily.

RUTH

This ONE time, if we run out of gas… you have a good excuse.

CHUCK

You have my blessing to turn your phone on. Look for a gas station with that app the way you do.

RUTH

It’s not so hard to use. I can probably teach you.

CHUCK

You know my thumbs are too big to do that right.

RUTH

What if the zombie car comes back?

CHUCK

Hell or Highwater, I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to get you safely to San Diego, Zombie car or not!

They hear a car approaching and turn their heads to see the Zombie car appear and whip past them in the other lane, heading West into the sunset.

RUTH

Speak of the devil.

Chuck stops the car. His fingers tremble.

CHUCK

Where the hell is it going?

RUTH

Do you want to just quit? We can go to Las Vegas and just get a room there until the authorities take care of it.

CHUCK

Ahhh, this is bullshit. That high-tech tinker-toy don’t own us!

He starts up again and drives on.

INT. RV DASHBOARD

The “EMPTY” light flashes.

HIGHWAY

the RV putters slowly putters to a stop.

RV

Ruth checks her phone app: Gas station is 1/2 mile up.

RUTH

We’ll walk together.

GAS STATION

Ruth and Chuck fill a tank at the pump. Behind them electric cars are plugged in, charging.

BACK AT CAR

Ruth and Chuck fill RV with gas together. Behind them a scrawny 20-year old plugs in an electric car with the license plate “RAM-R”, and then walks into the convenience store, never once looking in their direction.

CHUCK

Call me an old fart, but I’d never put something like that on my plate, even when I was his age.

RUTH

What? Ram, are, wha, I dont– Oohh.

INT. GAS STAIION FOODMART – CONTINUING

Chuck brings a pack of twinkies to the counter. The TV is on in the background as an opinionated host delivers their shpeil for the night.

TV HOST

Apparently they claim that people can hijack a smart car and basically reprogram it to do its bidding with a simple app downloaded from the dark web. Have you ever heard of those zombie snails that get taken over by parasites and force the snail to climb to the highest tree, so birds can eat them, and become a host organism for more viruses? Well, these are zombie cars. If your car doesn’t have a computer in it, its safe. But if you have a smart phone, look out! It can track you through various travel apps and literally start to take over your phone, just like a virus on a computer.

In the background, the kid exits the store, making sure

to pull his hood fully over his face as he leaves.

TV HOST

The only way to stop it is to simply take out the car. If you ask me, its another argument for the need for guns for self defense. Cars are not designed to be weapons, but you could say the same about sticks or stones, or fire, or nuclear power. Otherwise, what else would you use? Which is worse, having a gun for self-defense, which you can use to shoot out a tire of an evil zombie-car, or another car? As of now, it seems that the only way to stop a bad guy with a zombie car, is yet again, a good guy with a gun.

CLERK

Is that all?

CHUCK

You don’t sell guns do you?

The clerk looks up at him.

CHUCK

No wait, tack. Uhh, I mean nails. And uhh… chains maybe, and other large blunt objects, yeah!

EXT. UNDEFINED SECTION OF HIGHWAY 4

The zombie car appears to be stranded with blinkers on. Another car has pulled up behind it and two adults approach with flashlights.

The RV suddenly pulls up 100 feet in front of zombie car.

INTERCUT BETWEEN RV AND ZOMBIE CAR ON HIGHWAY

Chuck turns his phone on and places it in Ruth’s trembling hands.

The couple turns their flashlights to the RV.

RUTH

Not yet.

The zombie car’s blinkers shut off and it starts moving, beelining towards the RV, away from the approaching couple.

RUTH

OK now.

Chuck floors it, and the RV merges onto the highway, with the Zombie car in pursuit.

They weave through busy traffic, mostly 18-wheelers, some honking at them. The RV creaks and shimmies with each turn.

The zombie car weaves in and out effortlessly. Chuck floors it to get past all the trucks.

CHUCK

OK, shut it off.

Ruth kills the phone.

RUTH

OK, so now what,are we gonna do this all the way to the Pacific?

CHUCK

I got another idea. It may be smarter than my car, but I’m still bigger than him.

RUTH

You can’t just throw stuff out the back and have it spill all over the road it’ll hit all the other cars!

CHUCK

Right, right. I’m well aware of that. That’s why we gotta get it off the road!

The zombie car drives up next to them. Chuck turns into it. Metal sheers on metal. Ruth covers her ears. Chuck continues to push the car off the road.

Some high tech function of the car prevents it from crashing into a giant sign, but at least it’s temporarily grounded as Chuck drives off.

NEW SCENE PLACEHOLDER:

Zombie car reappears again and tries to take out the guy from the rest stop with the High-tech RV. Chuck and the RV guy team up to take down the car for good.

Chuck puts his phone into a knapsack, climbs on the top of that guy’s RV.

He starts swinging the knapsack over his head. He then releases it, flinging it into a ravine.

The zombie car follows it. Chuck and Ruth watch as the car flies through the air.

The zombie car crashes into the bottom of the ravine, seemingly totaled.

CUT TO:

INT. TESLA

The screen of the scrawny kid’s phone displays error message “SIGNAL LOST”. The kid starts panting heavily.

He starts the engine, disengages autopilot and floors it.

BACK TO RAVINE

Chuck and Ruth hug each other. The other RV owner comes up to them and shakes his hand.

RV OWNER

Dude, you saved my life! You saved my family’s summer! Here.

He pulls out a wad of cash.

RV OWNER

I got 300 dollars cash, towards your new phone purchase.

Chuck accepts.

CHUCK

Much obliged.

RV OWNER

I uhh, I better go get the family now.

CHUCK

Absolutely. we should both get out of here, quickly.

The RV guy hops in his car and drives off.

Chuck and Ruth watch him drive off, while holding each other.

RUTH

We should probably get out of here too.

CHUCK

That’s right. California, here we come!

As they head back to the car, they don’t notice another car speeding towards the ravine.

But by the time they are in the car, it’s clear someone, or something, is headed straight for them.

CHUCK

Do you see that?

RUTH

Drive!

CHUCK

OK.

He gets it in gear and heads to the road, just as the Kid pulls up to the edge of the ravine.

The kid gets out and observes the wreckage down below. He begins to breathe heavy. His face turns red. He even sheds tears.

Shaking, he turns and sees Chuck’s RV driving fast away from the scene.

He gets back in his Tesla and heads straight for the RV, his license plate clearly visible: RAM-R.

[Joe Donato]

I find it very gratifying/satisfying that, as I am fleshing out scenes, I discover new ways to deliver on the purpose of the scene, either through plot points, new characters, or dialogue. they often feel more organic/easier than the tangled web that is my initial outline. That affirms my faith in my writing process. I believe these experiences will help encourage me on a subconscious level to confidently “submit to the blank screen” with much less hemming and hawing.

Here’s Act 2, scene 1:

EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – DUSK

Ruth drives the RV to the edge of the road. The long stretch of highway just a few hundred feet away. Chuck opens a gourmet root beer and unwraps a large beef stick.

CHUCK

Ok, according to that other RV guy, there’s a Walmart in about 100 miles, and there’s a gas station in about 20 miles, which is the way were going anyway,

(he points)

that way in case you forgot.

The Mother/son Electric car pulls up in front of them. Ruth waves and signals to her to go in front of her. She waves back while gleefully talking/singing to the car speakerphone.

RUTH

That woman is driving her son to the airport to pick their father so they can spend their first summer in 4 years together ’cause he’s been overseas in Iraq all this time! and she bought that dog for him to help keep that poor boy sane. God bless ’em, I hope nothing stands in their way!

Chuck listens, in between gulps and bites.. until he becomes transfixed on what appears to be the Zombie car steadily approaching.

RUTH

Chuck? Chuck are you listening?

Chuck just points with a trembling finger.

Ruth watches as the Zombie car abruptly turns around and beelines right towards the Zombie car, going East.

Ruth pedals to the floor and follows them… East!

CHUCK

Oh Dear God, what are you?

RUTH

We have to warn her! We have to do something! But are you with me on this?

CHUCK

Do I have a choice?

RUTH

I don’t know do I?

CHUCK

Yes, we can just worry about our own asses and get as far away from that zombie car as possible!

CHUCK

I can’t let anything happen this RV! I can’t let anything happen to you! If that zombie car takes us down, you think I could live with THAT on my conscience?

RUTH

And what if something happens to them, you really think I wanna start retirement with that on my conscience?

Chuck looks at her, struggling with the gamble, she looks back (as much as she can while driving)and sees his devotion. She sighs.

CHUCK

OK I guess we’re doin’ this, but just for the record, now YOU’RE the one being stubborn!

RUTH

That, I can live with.

CHUCK

OK, Ok, God help us.

RUTH

What’s the plan?

CHUCK

Huuhh?

RUTH

What should I do? Tell me what to do?

CHUCK

Really? Ok, huh, I guess we gotta outrun the zombie car and pull up next to her.

RUTH

You mean I’m supposed to drive up to her in the oncoming traffic lane??

CHUCK

(devilishly)

Yesss!

(then more stoic)

so long as there’s no oncoming traffic of course. Do you think you can muster up the courage to pull that off?

He’s interrupted by Ruth flooring it.

She shoots past the zombie car. It doesn’t even notice them.

Chuck signals to woman to roll down her window. She does.

CHUCK

You have to turn off your phone!

WOMAN

What?

CHUCK

You have to turn off your phone!

RUTH

Turn off your phone!

The woman now looks nervous.

CHUCK

That car behind you is an automated car and it’s locked into your phone and it’s pursuing you. If you shut off your phone, and pull over, it will leave you alone and find someone else.

Woman looks at the zombie car in her rearview. She looks at her son who is sleeping in the back seat with the dog cradled in his arms.

she looks back at Chuck and Ruth. Not knowing what to think, she pushes a button on her steering wheel.

CAR VOICE

Who do you wish to call?

WOMAN

Police.

CAR VOICE

Dialing 911. Sorry, that number is not in service.

WOMAN

WHAT?

CAR VOICE

That number is not in service.

Chuck holds his phone out the window.

CHUCK

See! Mine is shut off! Shut yours off. It might be taking over your entire car system!

WOMAN

What? That’s insane!

CHUCK

Why else would 911 be out of service?

WOMAN

Why would anyone even do that?

CHUCK

It’s malfunctioning! Its nothing personal!

The zombie car speeds up.

CHUCK

Look. I have an idea. Take the next exit. We won’t follow you. You can get away from both of us!

The boy wakes up. He looks nervous. The dog barks defensively.

The woman floors it, and starts to pull away from the RV.

As she does, Chuck grabs the edge of the steering wheel and turns it so that the RV moves into the other lane, now acting as a buffer between the zombie car and the woman’s car.

Zombie car tries to pass the RV. Ruth swerves to block the Zombie car until the woman is further away, WAILING with every turn.

Zombie car starts to tap at the bumper. Ruth won’t let it pass.

RUTH

I can’t keep this up much longer.

CHUCK

Hopefully you won’t have to.

Up in the distance the woman has takes the exit.

CHUCK

Keep going straight. Can you promise me you’ll keep going straight?

RUTH

What, no! That car will take her down.

CHUCK

Maybe not, but even if it does, with us out of the picture, the woman might take our advice once she sees that car chasing her.

RUTH

That’s a bit of a stretch. What if you’re wrong? We won’t have time to turn around!

CHUCK

Well, maybe we won’t have to.

Chuck turns his phone on. He drips sweat as it powers up.

CHUCK

If you were right then we’ll be the bait again!

The zombie car slows down a little bit.

the RV passes the exit. Chuck watches, as the RV starts to accelerate again, totally ignoring the exit.

CHUCK

It worked! It’s chasing us again.

RUTH

Woohoo! Wait. Oh bloody hell!

CHUCK

Just a little bit further!

The zombie car speeds up, heading right for them.

CHUCK

Go faster!

RUTH

For how much longer?

CHUCK

Uhhh, 10 seconds. We’ll count together OK?

Ruth floors it, wincing and very tense.

RUTH

Ahhhhahhahahahyahay.

CHUCK

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five

He shuts off his phone.

CHUCK

Four, three, two,

The zombie car stops accelerating.

CHUCK

OK, it worked! Pull over. Let it pass.

Ruth pulls over, the zombie car continues to drive past.

RUTH

YOU’RE DRIVING!

CHUCK

Sure thing.

CUT TO:

RV. HIGHWAY. SAME.

They’ve switched places. Chuck turns the car around and they drive West, into the setting sun.

INT. RV

Chuck looks at the gas gage. It’s approaching EMPTY. The “low gas” alert DINGS.

RUTH

Running low huh?

CHUCK

We should make it.

She sighs heavily.

RUTH

This ONE time, if we run out of gas… you have a good excuse.

CHUCK

You have my blessing to turn your phone on. Look for a gas station with that app the way you do.

RUTH

It’s not so hard to use. I can probably teach you.

CHUCK

You know my thumbs are too big to do that right.

RUTH

And what if the zombie car comes back.

CHUCK

Oh we’re ready for it now. I say bring it on!

They hear a car approaching from the East. They turn to see the Zombie car appear and whips past them, heading West.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato. Reason: forgot to paste the last line

[Joe Donato]

OK OK, I resisted the urge to wordsmith already. I’ve learned in the past that the act of posting, or submitting to a contest or editor, for some reason, is a crucial part of the rewrite process. I know I’m going to rewrite this tomorrow right after I post it, but those ideas wouldn’t have come to me if I didn’t have this “milestone marker” for some reason. Am i supposed to put all 30 pages here? I don’t see an option to attach a PDF. I’ll attach a link I guess..

https://www.dropbox.com/s/eufj13rvia7rrah/Trek%20act%201%20-1.pdf?dl=0

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Well, this took a while: 3 days longer than I planned, but I really had to work out the motivations of the characters. I truly am not interested in old cliche horror tropes where the main character does something soooo stupid to get himself in trouble, and then, we’re supposed to actually care about them and be shocked when they’re in peril? NOT THIS SCRIPT! I’m on my way to making sure these characters feel real and I didn’t have a satisfying way to make sure Chuck was “locked in” to the pursuit of the Zombie car… Thus, I had to flesh out a few more scenes and get a few more characters involved, but that’s OK, cause I got a solid first act fleshing out, and I still hit the turning point before page 30…

With that being said, here’s the first draft of TREK, pages 19-28….

He gets back in the RV. He turns the car around and begins to drive west. The zombie car just sits there in the middle of the road.

CHUCK

I’ll be damned.

He gets about 500 feet away from the car and turns around and watches.

CHUCK

It was tracking us via our phones! I’ve seen everything now, maybe Bill Gates is the antichrist!

RUTH

Are you seriously going to leave our phones by the side of the road?

CHUCK

No. We go get them, but we won’t turn them on again until that thing is long gone.

(pause)

Ok I’m going to drive back up to get them now ok?

RUTH

SLOWLY!

CHUCK

Yeah, yeah. Keep your eye on the car for any activity.

RUTH

Oh dear God.

Chuck rolls his eyes.

CUT TO:

Phones by the side of the road. The RV gradually pulls up to them, oh so tenderly.

CHUCK

OK, after you pick them up, if all is calm, make sure to walk casually back to the car, lest it detects your fear.

RUTH

You’re kidding right?

CHUCK

I dunno you tell me, you got all those mediation and health apps.

Ruth gets out of the car and walks up to the phones, like a cat stalking a mouse. She never takes her eyes off of the zombie car which just sits there, idling.

She grabs the phones, runs back to the RV and climbs in.

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY – CONTINUING

Ruth hands Chuck his phone.

RUTH

Powering down.

CHUCK

In one second.

RUTH

What are you doing?

CHUCK

Documenting, for evidence.

Chuck begins to film the zombie car, and narrarates

CHUCK

OK, its approx. 6:30, Monday evening, we’re in the middle of the beautiful Nevada desert, not another car in sight, and there’s the car, not moving. We’re shutting our phones off now, and we’ll turn them back on once we hit civilization again. I’m thinkin’ Vegas in a few hours if my math is correct.

RUTH

OK enough already.

CHUCK

Just one sec, lemme get a few pics.

He snaps some pics.

CHUCK

And you know what, lemme text those to your cop friend. You got his number on here? Ah yes there it is under recents.

He taps his fingers and waits while it sends the pics, making Wife even more anxious.

The zombie car still idling.

CHUCK

Ok, done. Powering down.

As Chuck turns the car around, the zombie car powers off. Chuck is turned around and starts to drive when Ruth notices its lights have turned off.

RUTH

Wait!

Chuck hits the breaks.

CHUCK

What the hell??

RUTH

It shut off.

CHUCK

Well good, maybe its battery finally ran out.

RUTH

Maybe we should take a closer look?

Chuck looks at her. They both crane their heads to take a look at the car.

CHUCK

Oh Hell no!

RUTH

Oh Hell no!

They drive away.

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY – EVENING

Long silence

RUTH

What are you thinking?

CHUCK

You won’t like it.

RUTH

It’s better than silence!

CHUCK

OK then, I’m thinking wheres your phone been? What kind of apps have you been downloading?

RUTH

Uhh, traveling apps because somebody has to do it!

CHUCK

(long silence)

OK, fair enough.

RUTH

You know what I think?

CHUCK

Not until you tell me.

RUTH

I think it’s not my phone at all. I think it’s your phone.

CHUCK

Why would you-

RUTH

You know why I think that?

Chuck is silent

RUTH

Because I shut my phone off first, and the car was still running. But when we shut your phone off, the car shut off.

Long pause

CHUCK

Ok, that’s a plausible theory. It might have also taken some time for it to respond.

RUTH

Of course, you don’t believe me, as usual.

CHUCK

I just told you that’s a possibility. Can you prove it? You want me to believe it 100 percent? Then I’ll turn my phone on and I’ll pull over, and we’ll wait for the car to manifest. Sound good? Of course, that won’t prove it either because what if its both our phones? What it its simply the nearest phone it detects? What if it depends on the settings, which option we have on or off?

RUTH

OKAY!!! Stop with the monologue!

CHUCK

Look I’m sorry for sounding judgmental, it’s not you.

RUTH

You sure?

CHUCK

Yes, it’s not you, you’re not doing anything that any other American does all day long. It’s the car! What the hell is going on with that car?

RUTH

what is society coming to, that that kind of thing can happen?

CHUCK

Think we sue the manufacturers?

RUTH

Can we really even make to San Diego without our phones?

CHUCK

We totally can. My father drove across country from L.A. To Philadelphia in 4 days without a radio or air-conditioning, just to get back in time to propose to my mom before he went to Vietnam.

RUTH

Ok, so we’re just a self-absorbed wussy generation then?

CHUCK

Well…

RUTH

Or just a little to paraniod?

CHUCK

Maybe a little of both?

CHUCK

So you’re dad wouldn’t have even needed his phone?

CHUCK

You have to remember, he was quite motivated at the time. And so am I.

RUTH

By what?

CHUCK

You know.

RUTH

Say it again.

CHUCK

I’m delivering you, to a better life. I took a gamble on early retirement and I’m gonna see it through to give you the life I never could- I’ve YET to provide. One we’ve yet to see. I owe us that.

Ruth smiles but in her eyes, she still shows doubt and fear.

RUTH

How’s gas?

CHUCK

1/8 tank.

RUTH

Oh dear Lord.

CHUCK

Look!

He points to a sign “Farmer’s Market, next exit, 2 miles East.

CHUCK

See, civilization. Fuel AND jerky!

INT. FARMERS’S MARKET – DUSK

Plethora of fresh produce, Native American trinkets, and tourists.

Ruth powers on her phone as they both watch with tension.

It lights up. Voicemail from policeman.

CHUCK

Check it.

She plays it on speakerphone while they both listen.

PATROLMAN

Hi ma’am this is officer Denton. We checked out the entire stretch of miles 55, and haven’t found any traces of that car. Umm, if maybe you had some evidence, a license plate? Some dashcam pics? At the very least, come in and file a report, and we can go from there?

CHUCK

(to voicemail)

Oh you want proof. How about a license plate, pics and video? We can text it to him.

He reaches for his phone, but sees Ruth’s eyes and stops.

CHUCK

It can wait. I’m gonna keep my phone off. We can wait until we get to San Diego and I can send them pics and investigate it then.

RUTH

You sure?

CHUCK

(thinking)

Y- Yeah.

Chuck and Ruth walk seperately.

Ruth sees a car that looks like the Zombie car pulling up and parking. She tenses up.

But then she sees it’s a different license plate, and they have a family-friendly ICON on the windshield. A normal looking woman emerges. Ruth calms down. She approaches them.

RUTH

Excuse me, is that a new model?

WOMAN

(proudly)

Yes it is. New and improved.

RUTH

I’ve heard they maneuver really well in reverse now, is that true?

WOMAN

I dunno, I know they fixed the resolution on the rear camera, so now they’re all 4k, so I think that helps a lot.

RUTH

All of them?

WOMAN

Oh yes, there’s 3 other cameras; front, left side and right side. They all have facial recognition too now, so the auto-drive option automatically stops if it spots a human face, and they say you can program your pets face too, I’ve only owned it a month though, so I haven’t learned how to do that yet!

RUTH

Wow, so high tech. Kinda scary.

WOMAN

Oh but its totally worth for the savings in insurance. They prove fault or innocense in seconds! Saves the companies TONS in legal fees! Not to mention the gas savings.

The woman’s SON approaches cradling a very adorable and well-behaved dog. He truly appears to be a good kid.

SON

Mom, can I get Biscuit a burrito? I think he’s tired of the chew-cuterie crackers.

WOMAN

OK, but only if there’s no sugar in them. That’ll make him pee sooner and this is the last stop until we get to the airport.

SON

Ok

He runs off.

WOMAN

Picking up his father from Los Angeles. He’s been deployed in Iraq. Poor guy hasn’t spent a summer with his dad in 4 years! That dog helped keep him sane! Oh excuse me.

She answers her phone.

WOMAN (ON PHONE)

Hey babe! Nope, 4 more hours acording to GPS! Flight still landing on time? Great.

She walks away. Ruth sees Chuck acroos the lot talking to another RV owner.

PlACEHOLDER – VERIFYING THAT CHUCK REALLY HAS A PASSION TO RESOLVE THE “MYSTERY” OF THE CAR, BUT ALSO IS DEVOTED TO THE MISSION OF DELIVERING HIS WIFE: IF HE DOESN’T SUCCEED AT THAT, HE’D REALLY FEEL LIKE A FAILURE.

EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – DUSK

Ruth drives the RV to the edge of the road. The long stretch of highway just a few hundred feet away. Chuck opens a gourmet root beer and unwraps a large beef stick.

CHUCK

Ok, remember, go West, that way.

The Mother/son Electric car pulls up in front of them. Ruth waves and signals to her to go in front of her. She waves back.

RUTH

That woman is driving her son to the airport to pick their father so they can spend their first summer in 4 years together ’cause he’s been overseas in Iraq all this time! and that dog has kept that boy sane. God bless ’em, I hope nothing stands in their way!

Chuck listens, in between gulps and bites.. until he becomes transfixed on what appears to be the Zombie car steadily approaching.

RUTH

Chuck? Chuck are you listening?

Chuck just points with a trembling finger.

Ruth watches as the Zombie car abruptly turns around and beelines right towards the Zombie car, going East.

Ruth pedals to the floor and follows them… East!

CHUCK

Oh Dear God, what are you?

RUTH

I don’t know! But are you with me on this?

CHUCK

Do I have a choice?

RUTH

I don’t know do I?

CHUCK

OK, OK, we’re in this together, but what’s the plan?

RUTH

We gotta warn her. Are you with me?

CHUCK

OK, Ok, God help me. Lets do this.

[Joe Donato]

Well, that was interesting. I learned that the part of me that is the perfectionist and the part of me that is ready to write “crap” for the sake of writing, are like two polar opposite wills in my head, or maybe they’re like the Angel and the Devil on either shoulder, fighting for control, I surrender to one, and go along with him for the ride for a while, until I’m a slave to it. Then, I turn to the other guy and he frees me from the grips of the other control freak. I go along with that guy until I’m all bound up and hitting walls, until the other guy takes the wheel again. I hope someday these two learn how to get along! But in the meantime, I’ll have to keep “slamming on the breaks” and “jolting to high speed” as I write along. 15 pages later, I got my inciting incident, and my emotional response. It’s not exactly like I envisioned it, but I went chronologically, until the key ACT 1 moments manifested. Looks different then I first imagined in ways, but it’s oddly satifying…

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY

Chuck drives while wife is engrossed in maps of California.

WIFE

Maybe David can come out a little earlier. You know, meet us at the airport or something.

CHUCK

What happened to our plan to search for a house together on our own and explore all our options?

WIFE

So David can’t help?

In the rear view mirror, the car from the gas station slowly approaches.

CHUCK

…What do we need help with?

WIFE

You know, a third mind, someone from the newer generation, might have a fresh opinion.

CHUCK

I don’t remember agreeing to that.

WIFE

So you’re refusing to even consider the opinion of your only son? Your only heir? He’s most likely going to inherit the house when we’re gone.

CHUCK

And he can sell it then, if he doesn’t like it. And I didn’t refuse anything yet. We’re just talking aren’t we?

The car gets closer, and closer as they squabble.

The car keeps approaching. It doesn’t slow down at all.

CHUCK

What the hell-

BANG! The car bumps into the back of the RV. Wife SCREAMS

WIFE

What are you doing???

CHUCK

Nothing! The idiot behind us just hit us!

The car behind jostles a little bit, but continues in its velocity steadily behind them.

CHUCK

I don’t know if I should speed up or let him pass!

WIFE

Let them pass!

CHUCK

They can pass, they can totally pass.

WIFE

Then why isn’t he?

CHUCK

Like I know? ane how do you know it’s a he? I can’t see a damn thing through those windows!

WIFE

It’s totally a man driving.

The windows on the car are tinted so they can’t see what’s going on. Wife picks up her phone and dials 911

CHUCK

What are you doing?

WIFE (ON PHONE)

Yes, I’d like to report a reckless driver, we are on Route 66 in Nevada, about 3 hours west of Denver, and its a green, looks like a prius or a smartcar or something new, I can’t make out the model. He came out of nowhere.

CHUCK

He came from behind us.

WIFE (ON PHONE)

No there’s no landmarks around here. I’ll try to read the next road marker-AHHH what are you doing?

Chuck veers into the left lane and starts to slow down. The starts to pass them on the right. It continues down the road with steady velocity. The car passes with steady velocity.

CHUCK

There’s a marker.

Chuck stops the car abruptly making wife screem.

WIFE

God I hate your driving!

CHUCK

Hadn’t had an accident our entire marriage. And look, he’s gone now.

They watch the car continue its path into the horizon.

WIFE (ON PHONE)

Uh, yes, I’m here, I’m here, sorry. Marker 58 mile 201, Route 66 heading west. No we’ll wait here.

CHUCK

Maybe we can meet at the next rest stop or something?

WIFE

HERE! We’ll be here. Thank you.

Chuck sighs and surrenders.

CHUCK

By the way, he drove up cordially, your nose was buried in the map.

DISSOLVE TO:

HIGHWAY, later.

RV on highway. Sun a little lower in the sky. Patrol car parked next to RV as patrolman interviews Chuck and wife.

PATROLMAN

So, no other identifying markers on car other than tinted windows?

CHUCK

Correct

WIFE

Correct

PATROLMAN

You didn’t get a license plate as he drove by?

Chuck and wife both look at each other.

WIFE

We we’re both pretty scared at the time.

CHUCK

My view was blocked. She had the passenger side view of the road as he passed.

PATROLMAN

Well, we haven’t seen a car matching that description, and haven’t had any other reports, but we’ll keep an eye out. Call us if you see him again. And head down the road. Maybe you should switch it up a bit?

CHUCK

What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

WIFE

He drives like a maniac sometimes, but after that, I’d be even worse!

PATROLMAN

Is that so?

CHUCK

Officer, I haven’t had an incident our entire marriage!

PATROLMAN

Oh I know I know, we looked at your record, it’s spotless.

WIFE

How much further does this road go before we hit civilization?

PATROLMAN

Well, there’s a rest stop about 90 miles up the road. Maybe by then you’re nerves have calmed and you’ll consider switching up the driving by then? Take care now.

He leaves.

CHUCK

You had to embarrass me?

WIFE

What?

CHUCK

He thinks it was my fault.

WIFE

Well how fast were you going?

CHUCK

I was spot on. That driver was out of his mind.

Long pause.

EXT. REST STOP – AFTERNOON

The RV pulls into the stop. They scan the parking lot.

WIFE

You need to pee?

CHUCK

I’m good. What about yo-

she’s already out and walking to bathrooms.

INT. REST STOP

Wife comes out of the bathroom. Sees her husband chomping on a beef stick and sipping a latte.

CHUCK

Who’s driving?

WIFE

I’ll drive.

The walk out of the building just as the car pulls up into parking lot, halfway between them and their RV. It just sits there. Nobody gets out.

The wife turns around and runs back into the building.

WIFE

Call the police!

CHUCK

Are you sure that’s him?

WIFE

Not taking chances!

CHUCK

Where’s your phone?

WIFE

In the car, shit!

CHUCK

OK, stay here, while I go get the car, I’ll pull up in front-

WIFE

WHAT? You’re not leaving me alone!

She runs to his side.

CHUCK

OK, here we go.

They walk slowly past the car, staring at it. No motion, no movement.

Chuck slows down as they pass it. Chuck clicks the remote on the RV. As soon as it beeps, wife grabs the keys and runs to the RV.

Now that she’s gone, he stops and eyes up the vehicle.

CHUCK

There’s nobody in there!

He walks towards it slowly.

Wife starts the RV and then sees Chuck approaching the car.

WIFE

What the hell?

CHUCK

There’s nobody in there!

Chuck gets closer and closer.

He’s at the window of the car. He leans in with his hands up, and starts to lean his face into the shaded glass.

The car comes to life and veers off, practically running him over. It flies out of the rest stop and onto the highway.

INT. RV ON HIGHWAY

CHUCK

I’m telling you, its one of those driverless cars gone berzerk! It’s going to kill somebody. If we see it again we’d be doing a public service by knocking it off the road. It’s malfunctioning and its going to kill somebody.

WIFE

C’mon, do you really think that can happen?

CHUCK

Damn straight it can happen! Ever hear of the Titanic? The Hindenberg?

WIFE

Anything this century?

CHUCK

Yeah, you know about Neutrinos right?

WIFE

Oh not this again. Did you verify that?

CHUCK

Absolutely its verified! Millions of Neutrinos from the sun pass through you and me and straight through the Earth every second, and they play with all those micro-switches in the car, and trigger things that only your foot pedal should trigger. People couldn’t stop their cars and it kept driving straight to their death. It’s totally verified, look it up!

WIFE

You know the second I start searching for that on my phone I’m gonna get all kinds of creepy pasta in my feed and that’s NOT how I want to start this chapter of our lives. Got it!

Silence

CHUCK

If we have another encounter, and it so much as taps us, I’m running that thing off the road, whether you like it or not.

[Joe Donato]

I learned that this formula is actually working! My characters are not nearly as intriguing as Elle or Trinity, but I do think I’ve set them up the way they need to be set up. I know this is a different kind of movie, which relies on minimalist reveals for the antagonist in the first half to develop the intrigue, and I want a mix of the love/hate of both characters, and I’m happy that I’m hitting on the theme, and I like the dialogue dynamic between the husband and wife, and I launched into the conflict by page 3, which I think is first for me, so I’m thrilled about all that…

ACT 1 SCENE 1

OUTLINE:

1 – INT. PERSONAL GARAGE

– An unidentified male passionately does techy stuff so that we see that he can control an electric car remotely with a phone app.

2 – EXT. MIDWEST GAS STATION

– The couple argues about something petty in the grand scheme of things, revealing that they are driving cross-country to California starting their early retirement. They made it past beautiful Colarado and are now entering the Nevada desert.

– The wife finds something unacceptable about the husband’s plans as they gas up their RV.

– Husband, annoyed pulls out and almost hits a teenager on a moped as they pull out onto the highway.

– The modern-looking car follows them.

SCENE:

FADE IN

INT. PERSONAL GARAGE – DAY

Young male hands meticulously wire together modern-looking components on a tiny motherboard.

Same hands feverishly typing code into laptop, Tony-Stark style.

Same hands attaching components under the hood of a car.

Iphone in foreground opening up an App and pushing START on app. In background, the modern-looking car comes to life.

INT. GAS STATION IN WESTERN COLORADO – DAY

CHUCK, middle aged, balding, a little overweight but not obese, exits the gas station. He courteously holds the door open for his WIFE who exits slowly, looking around.

As soon as she’s in the frame, he lets it go. She catches it before it hits her.

He heads to an RV at the pump and starts pumping gas.

She looks at the Colorado mountains in the distance, then turns and looks at the impending road into the desert ahead of them.

WIFE (TO HERSELF)

Goodbye paradise. Hello wastelands.

CHUCK

I’m telling you, $100 is more than enough to get us across the desert.

WIFE

As if filling it up will hurt?

CHUCK

But then I gotta dig into the reserve travel cash which is packed away in the trunk, and that’s gonna cut more time, so again, is it worth the effort and the extra stress? No.

WIFE

But if it makes your wife feel safer, is that such a bad thing?

Chuch groans

WIFE

So now I’m not worthy of a response?

CHUCK

Again, what are we stupid college kids? Do the math, trust science, we’re gonna get to California just fine. I made it this far didn’t I?

WIFE

If this is how you want to start your retirement, I don’t get the point of starting early.

She gets in RV and slams the door.

CHUCK (TO HIMSELF)

I wanted a different kind of stress, you know, for variety.

INTERCUT BETWEEN CAB OF RV AND EXTERIOR PARKING LOT

Chuck climbs into his cockpit and slams the door, all smiles.

WIFE

Look I don’t want to argue.

CHUCK

When we ran the numbers, we did it based on mileage, which is a different number than tank fill-ups isnt it? Next time we can do it your way if you like and calculate tank fill-ups. Besides ff gas is cheaper in California, you’ll be thanking me.

WIFE

And if its more expensive we can compensate by taking the surplus out of your precious exotic jerky fund.

CHUCK

That’s a pretty warped example of trickle-down economics, but ok fine, I’ll take that gamble.

He pulls off in haste, and almost hits a teenager on a moped driving into the lot. Wife SHREAKS.

CHUCK

(continuing; to teenager)

Sorry!

(to himself)

Stupid kids.

The teenager gives him the finger and walks off.

WIFE

He didn’t see you coming.

CHUCK

How can he not see me, I’m like 10 times bigger than him, what was he on his phone?

WIFE

Did you have the right of way?

CHUCK

If you’re in the forest and there’s a bear standing in the trail, who has the right of way? all I know is when I was his age, the bears had the right of way.

As the RV gets on the driveway and they continue to squabble, a modern looking electric car pulls out from behind the gas station and casually follows them.

END SCENE

[Joe Donato]

I learned that I had already had most of the Antagonists beats in there already. But it was good to discover a couple more that help beef up the plot and build more moments of intrigue. Also, it helps to flesh out my theme so I can think about it and refine it and/or revise it.

Theme(s): Will have to narrow this down as I continue, or maybe this is just 4 different ways to express the same theme:

The relationship between two different generations is a fragile one that needs to be nurtured, lest it be damaged.

Prejudices between age groups/generations will happen, and if we don’t work through them, they will be used to divide us and encourage us to make the other generation scapegoats for our own fears.

Each generation needs the other generation more than we care to admit.

The survival of us as a society depends on different generations working together as equal contributors to society.

Act 1:

INT. GARAGE

Unidentified male loading up a high-tech remote controlled car

EXT. MIDWEST GAS STATION

Middle-aged Couple pulls out of gas station in an old RV after filling up. They drive self-centeredly as they pull out onto the highway. A modern-looking car follows them.

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY

Wife argues about husband’s driving. The remote car takes the road behind them.

EXT. HIGHWAY

After time with the couple getting to know them, their dynamics, and their subtext (all the time, the car slowly approaches from behind), then the remote car makes its first attack.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Chuck’s first thought is to escape/outrun, throw the ghost-car off course. That doesn’t work because the ghost car has an updated GPS, and he doesnt. But he remains in denial, highlighting his stubborness.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Then the car disappears.

EXT. GAS STATION

Wife convinces chuck to call highway patrol. He doesnt want to, so she does.

Ext. Highway Rest stop

Highway patrol cannot locate the car, but when the police can’t find the car, Chuck feels made a fool of. Chuck says he’s not going to contact authorities again without proof of some sort, which starts a fight with his wife.

EXT. HIGHWAY

The car reappears to them. (apparently its smart enough to outsmart the cops) and begins to chase them again.

EXT. HIGHWAY

New plan – They see the car again and confirm it’s unmanned. Once Chuck sees its unmanned, he goes against wife’s wishes and attacks back somehow.

Act 2:

EXT. HIGHWAY

A cat and mouse battle ensues. Husband realizes traditional societal norms for resolving highway conflicts are not working because of the new tech of the car.

EXT. REST STOP PARKING LOT IN MOUNTAINOUS REGION

TE – his 3rd thought is to sabotage the car. but if he did it entirely his way, it is clear it would backfire. But because of something his wife suggested, he modifies his approach.

EXT. Highway

His plan succeeds. He takes the ghost car down. This makes him feel justified, affirming his lack of trust in the new-tech. (He doesn’t give his wife credit for her part of the solution)

EXT. REST STOP PARKING LOT IN MOUNTAINOUS REGION

Midpoint Turning Point – They just took down the one thing in life the car-creator loved like a son.

Full of rage/revenge, the man decides to personally go after the couple. Now, a high-tech electic car is following them, but this time there’s a driver. we learn, along with the couple that our enemy is a skinny 20-year old kid.

EXT. HIGHWAY MOUNTAIN PASS

TE – Chuck can’t blame technology anymore. Now its good ole-fashioned “man vs kid”. But wife is not going to tolerate being “hijacked” along for the ride. Big battle: Chuck Vs. Kid and Wife vs. Chuck. A “lose-lose” for Chuck

EXT. DOWNGRADE SLOPE

Kid sets up a trap.

Act 3:

EXT. DOWNGRADE SLOPE

Chuck runs over a flurry of rocks that the kid setup as a trap, and then his steering doesn’t work, Chuck flies into a fit of rage, humiliating himself in front of his wife. This makes us wonder what is the deeper cause of so much rage? (wife knows its his fear of inadequacy)

EXT. BOTTOM OF DOWNGRADE SLOPE

The kid’s car approaches them as they sit in their RV, helpless, on the side of the road. It does donuts in the dust. Then it circles around them. But then the kid drives off, leaving them stranded in the desert.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Chuck now has to protect his wife against the wildlife of the desert for a night. This highlights his fear of not having the tools and skills to take care/protect/provide for his wife with basics of food, water and shelter.

PLACEHOLDER: What’s the kid doing? Now that we’ve been following him, don’t we need to know?

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

They will have to work together to come up with a solution. They spend the night in the desert, but make their way out of it by morning by calling an uber. (Is Chuck at the mercy of an Uber driving millenial?)

EXT. MOTEL ON OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN

As uber pulls near the motel, Chuck sees the kid’s car in the parking lot. He makes the uber driver past as they duck down in the backseast. Then Chuck has him drop them off at the Walmart.

EXT. WALMART TYPE STORE

Without wife, Chuck shops for a gun.

INT. MOTEL ROOM (different motel)

Wife uses psychology and the hotel internet to start to predict the driver’s next move.

INT. WALMART TYPE STORE

Since Chuck never owned a gun before, Chuck must humbly ask the store owner for advice on how to use it.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

Chuck plots killing the kid when the kid sabotages their RV, but his wife’s pleas hold him back from going that far.

Act 4:

INT. MOTEL ROOM

They discuss a trap to outsmart the milennial, but they’ll have to risk destroying the RV. They also have to have the motel clerk teach them how to use a new tracking app.

EXT. RV IN THE DESERT

The kid has returned to the RV to inspect. That’s when Chuck returns to the scene of the crime, alone, to confront him.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

More sophisticated high-energy/suspense cat/mouse scene here.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

Chucks plan worked. Kids car crashes. Now the kid is trapped in his car in the desert, beeding. Chuck and wife have to decide what to do. Do they approach? Do they leave him for dead, finish him off themselves, or try to help him?

INT. KID’S CAR

Chuck and wife approach his car. The kid sees them approaching and starts crying. Their act of approaching proves to the kid that they are a worthy opponent and earns his respect. Because of that, the kid feels shame. When the wife sees that, she is affirmed that they need to help him. Wife ends up being the “healing” this kid needs. They get an ambulance.

EXT. HIGHWAY

In the rental car, Chuck and Wife turn around and drive back to the East Coast, not quite ready to retire.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s beat sheet: even though its not perfect, after walking away and coming back to it, I see that it’s stronger than I thought it would be when I first started writing. I also see how easy it is to improve it with recurring passes thanks to the placeholders.

Act 1:

INT. GARAGE

Unidentified male loading up a high-tech remote controlled car

EXT. MIDWEST GAS STATION

Couple pulls out of gas station after filling up in a rude way. A car follows them.

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY

Wife argues about husband’s driving. The remote car takes the road behind them.

EXT. HIGHWAY

After time with the couple getting to know them, their dynamics, and their subtext, the remote car makes its first attack.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Chuck’s first thought is to escape/outrun, throw the ghost-car off course, but that doesn’t work because the ghost car has an updated GPS, and he doesnt. But he remains in denial, highlighting his stubborness.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Then the car disappears.

EXT. GAS STATION

Wife convinces chuck to call highway patrol, but highway patrol cannot locate the car, but when the police can’t find the car, Chuck feels made a fool of.

EXT. HIGHWAY

The car reappears to them. (its smart enough to outsmart the cops)

INT. CAR

Chuck says he’s not going to contact authorities again without proof of some sort, which starts a fight with his wife.

PLACEHOLDER: What’s the shift into Act 2 that makes Chuck decide to take matters into his own hands?

Act 2:

EXT. HIGHWAY

New plan – They see the car again and confirm it’s unmanned. Husband goes against wife’s wishes and attacks back somehow.

EXT. HIGHWAY

A cat and mouse battle ensues. Husband realizes traditional societal norms for resolving highway conflicts are not working because of the new tech of the car.

EXT. REST STOP PARKING LOT IN MOUNTAINOUS REGION

TE – his 3rd thought is to sabotage the car. but if he did it entirely his way, it is clear it would backfire. But because of something his wife suggested, he modifies his approach, and it succeeds. he takes the ghost car down. This makes him feel justified, affirming his lack of trust in the new-tech. (He doesn’t give his wife credit for her part of the solution)

EXT. REST STOP PARKING LOT IN MOUNTAINOUS REGION

Midpoint Turning Point – They just took down the one thing in life the car-creator loved like a son. Full of rage/revenge, the millenial decides to personally go after the couple. Now, a high-tech car is following them. we learn, along with the couple that our enemy is a nerdy 20-year old kid.

EXT. HIGHWAY MOUNTAIN PASS

TE – Chuck can’t blame technology anymore. Now its good ole-fashioned “man vs kid”. But wife is not going to tolerate being “hijacked” along for the ride. Big battle: Chuck Vs. Kid and Wife vs. Chuck. A “lose-lose” for Chuck

EXT. DOWNGRADE SLOPE

Kid sets up a trap.

Act 3:

EXT. DOWNGRADE SLOPE

Chuck runs over a flurry of rocks that the kid setup as a trap, and then his steering doesn’t work, Chuck flies into a fit of rage, humiliating himself in front of his wife. This makes us wonder what is the deeper cause of so much rage? (wife knows its his fear of inadequacy)

EXT. BOTTOM OF DOWNGRADE SLOPE

The kid approaches them, helpless on the side of the road. But then the kid leaves them; stranded in the desert.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Chuck now has to protect his wife against the wildlife of the desert for a night. This highlights his fear of not having the tools and skills to take care/protect/provide for his wife with basics of food, water and shelter.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

They will have to work together to come up with a solution. They spend the night in the desert, but make their way out of it by morning by calling an uber. (Is Chuck at the mercy of an Uber driving millenial?)

EXT. MOTEL ON OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN

EXT. WALMART TYPE STORE

Without wife, Chuck shops for a gun.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

Meanwhile, Wife uses psychology and the hotel internet to start to predict the driver’s next move.

INT. WALMART TYPE STORE

Since Chuck never owned a gun before, Chuck must humbly ask the store owner for advice on how to use it.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

Chuck plots killing the kid when the kid sabotages their RV, but his wife’s pleas hold him back from going that far.

Act 4:

INT. MOTEL ROOM

They set up a trap to outsmart the milennial, but they’ll have to risk destroying the RV. They also have to have the motel clerk teach them how to use an app.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

More sophisticated high-energy/suspense cat/mouse scene here.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

Plan works and now the kid is trapped in his car. Do they approach? Do they leave him for dead? Do they finish him off, or call an ambulance?

RESOLUTION: Their act of approaching proves to the kid that they are a worthy opponent and earns his respect. Wife ends up being the “healing” this kid needs. Kid is put into ambulance.

[Joe Donato]

What I learned: 3 things that Hal said ring true for me in this assignment:

1- this will evolve, one step at a time.

2 – Don’t worry if it’s not perfect, keep writing

3 – You never know when those “Eureka moments” are going to manifest.

I came up with at least 3 things in this assignment that are going to be really strong moments in the film. The dry bones are starting to come together into livng skeletons. Good thing I’m writing a horror/thriller!

Chuck’s old ways (in no particular order):

– Argues with wife trying to explain his way, feeling totally justified, doing everything to try to make her see, but instead of building bridges, it feels like he’s must’ve just built a wall.

– Doesn’t want to learn how to use the new GPS’s or the new Iphones. Happy with an old-fashioned map.

– Afraid of failing his wife. Afraid his early-retirement was more of a form of quitting than it was a victory.

– When faced with his shortcomings, he gets fearful, then defensive, then angry, then doesn’t stop to think or seek help, but instead, hastily jumps into A-mode.

New ways:

– takes time to be still and listen, and look around at all the options.

– Sees wife as a wise helper/partner, as opposed to a burden.

– Accepts his shortcomings and can reach out for assistance; even from those younger than him.

– not afraid of new technology, and will accept it for what its worth, and try to learn how to use it.

STEPS:

– his first thought is to escape/outrun, throw the ghost-car off course, but that doesn’t work because the ghost car has an updated GPS, and he doesnt. But he remains in denial, highlighting his stubborness.

– his 2nd thought (but his wife’s first thought) is to call the police. But when the police can’t find the car, he feels made a fool of. He says he’s not going to contact authorities again without proof of some sort, which starts a fight with his wife.

– his 3rd thought is to sabotage the car. but if he did it entirely his way, it is clear it would backfire. But because of something his wife suggested, he modifies his approach, and it succeeds. This makes him feel justified, affirming his lack of trust in the new-tech. (He doesn’t give his wife credit for her part of the solution)

– When the kid appears and starts chasing them in his own car, it is a metaphoric manifestation of the struggle between the old generation and the new generation. Chuck can’t blame technology anymore. Now its about an age-ist prejudice of values. Which generation is the “real America”? Which one is “valid/important” to society? Both sides are wondering who is “worthy of survival” and are put to the test in a duel.

– When he runs over a flurry of rocks (that the kid setup as a trap), and then his steering doesn’t work, he flies into a fit of rage, humiliating himself in front of his wife. This makes us wonder what is the deeper cause of so much rage? (wife knows its his fear of inadequacy)

– The kid will leave them stranded in the desert, and drive off and he has to protect his wife against the wildlife of the desert for a night. This highlights his fear of not having the tools and skills to take care/protect/provide for his wife with basics of food, water and shelter.

– He might risk killing the kid when the kid sabotages their RV, but his wife’s pleas hold him back from going that far. This highlights his problem of not listening to his wife.

– Considers buying a gun at a pawn shop, but he’s never owned a gun before, and must ask the pawn shop owner for advice on how to use it. This highlights his feelings like if he has to ask for help/advice, he’s a failure. But its practice for the next two things he has to ask advice on:

– must take time to sit and learn a new app from a youngster that will help him track the kid.

– must take time to sit and learn from his wife about the potential psychology of their enemy and how to “reach” him.

[Joe Donato]

What I learned: it is so easy to “not write” because you don’t have 2 or three plot points, and are missing the other 5. But when I actually start putting them down on the computer I can slowly weave them together with other points as they manifest one at a time. This is impossible without the disciplines of faith, persistence, and patience. Even though I’ve been through this before with 5 other scripts, I still believe that this script idea would have lingered in my head and taunt me for years before I started fleshing it out if I hadnt signed up for this class.

1. Give us the following:

Concept – A middle-aged couple have just set off on a cross-country drive to California in their newly acquired, used RV to start their early retirement, and discover they are being chased by an unidentified smart-car.

Main Conflict – Cat and mouse between small, new high-tech vehicles, and large old-school RV. The new and young is trying to destroy the old/old-fashioned.

Old Ways – Older generation, which caused wrong with the world: wars, inflation, global warming, mass-shootings, divorce, etc.

New Ways – the “new” works differently and we must be open to new ways of thinking to understand it and live in harmony with it. In the same way, the young generation and the old generation truly can live in harmony, each with a different role in society. Can the Young learn from the Old? Can the Old teach/communicate and impart wisdom and hope in ways that the young feel respected and valued and affirmed?

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Openings – Unidentified male loading up a high-tech remote controlled car

Inciting Incident – Couple pulls out of gas station in an aggressive self-centered manner, after filling up with good ole-fashioned petroleum-based fuel. The remote car takes the road behind them.

Turning Point – After time with the couple getting to know them, their dynamics, and their subtext, the remote car makes its first attack. Then it disappears. The couple contacts highway patrol, but highway patrol cannot locate the car.

Act 2:

New plan – They see the car again and confirm it’s unmanned. Husband goes against wife’s wishes and attacks back somehow.

Plan in action – cat and mouse battle ensues. Husband is now convinced that traditional societal norms for resolving highway conflicts are not going to work.

Midpoint Turning Point – Husband takes aggressive action and takes the car down somehow. They just took down the one thing in life the car-creator loved like a son. Full of rage/revenge, he decides to personally go after the couple. Now, a high-tech car is following them. we learn, along with the couple that our enemy is a nerdy 20-year old kid.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – Husband has to start listening to wife. Wife has to get involved even though she’s not “a fighter”

New plan – They will have to work together to come up with a solution.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift. – Wife using psychology to evaluate the driver’s next move.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – They set up a trap to outsmart him, but they risk destroying the RV, which represents not only their escape from him, but their own personal escape from their lifelong struggles. But if they lose that, then they risk returning to their “old life”.

Resolution – Plan works, and now the kid is trapped in his car. Do they approach? Do they leave him for dead? Do they finish him off, or call an ambulance? Their act of approaching proves to the kid that they are a worthy opponent and earns his respect. Wife ends up being the “healing” this kid needs.

2. Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

Hero is Husband for choosing reason and logic over aggressive/defensive/fear-based instinct, and for listening to wife instead of just ordering instructions. Wife is the hero to the kid to give him the words of forgiveness and hope he needs to hear to accept help and have the courage to continue to live after this incident.

[Joe Donato]

What I learned: I learned to just let my characters spill their guts. They like to be interviewed so long as you ask them ego-affirming questions. they’ll spill their guts! (good because I discovered a lot I can use for this story) And if you ask a question that they don’t want to answer, guess what, they’re allowed to not answer, or dodge the question, and viola, you suddenly got an intriguing character!

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST (Husband)

Tell me about yourself.

I just turned 60, and so did my wife. We decided to buy an RV and go across country. She did it as a kid, and I never did it before. But we both decided we could pull this off together.

Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

My journey is a new one: starting a new path in life: early retirement. I want to make my wife happy. This is my chance to do just that. I don’t really know if I’ve succeeded in making her happy so far up to this point. She says I have, in a lot of ways, but I know deep down she’s being humble. I really want to pull this off. when I die and get to the pearly gates, I want St. Peter put his hand over my shoulder and look down at the timeline of my life, and see the satisfaction that I gave my wife at this specific point in our life. Pulling this trip off, will somehow “make all the struggle worth it”. At least to me. I Need to get her to California, with all her stuff. This is how we’re gonna do it. I decided it.

Tell me about who you are up against . What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

He’s driving one of those new electric high-tech cars. I don’t trust them. People got killed because invisible particles from the sun set off some of the microchips making it impossible to control them. No way, I’m sticking with American-made old fashioned technology. That guy’s doin’ all kinds of crazy things, swervin’ all over the road, might as well be a UFO chasing us. I have no idea how to go up against that thing. Plus he’s young; I can tell that. Still in college I bet: they’re not “DONE” yet. Still not responsible adults. I know, I was in college once too. Can’t trust youth!

What else?

Well, he’s also got his health. I got pills I gotta take, I got arthritis in some of my joints, and my wife too. Its not like I can chase him down if he starts sprintin’ across the badlands.

In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

Running in the desert is pretty much a no-go. Coming up with the solution scares the crap out of me. And don’t tell me I got my wife. It should NOT have to be on her to solve this problem. I’d be such a failure if, for the rest of my life I’d always have to say “you saved our lives honey”.

What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

Trusting in other people. Reaching out to this kid? Forgiving him for attacking us?

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

Everything I said above.

What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

I don’t back down. I adapt. I ain’t goin’ down without a fight.

What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

If this RV fails, I don’t think I can even change the tire!

What do you think of ?

I dream of California, but I fear not getting there.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

See above.

What does it do for your life is you succeed here?

See above.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST (Wife)

Tell me about yourself.

I worked in social work almost all my life. I was in publishing for a while but left it to do social work because it wasn’t fulfilling. My parents thought I was nuts.But they grew up not getting a lot of things that they provided for me, so I think on a deep psychological level, I didn’t “need” the creature comforts they have now as much as they do.

Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

If you mean, “why am I getting persecuted by this car?” I don’t think of it like that. I’d say “why NOT me? Why ANYONE?” Or, also sometimes I say “why my Husband? why him?” First I’m wondering if he deserved it. If this was some person he slighted that he never told me about, in which case I’d probably be prone to blame him. But then I’d feel so horrible for kicking him when he’s already being kicked.

What about the person you are up against? What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

OMG, when I found out it wqs just a kid! I had so much pity on him. Dont get me wrong, I had the rage of a victim too, but in another sense, thank God he didn’t succeed! And here he is potentially losing his life. I know enough about cases like these, if he doesn’t WANT to live; to heal, then he won’t. He won’t fight, and he’ll consider it a just reward for his crimes. Part of me feels that if he lives, that will be his punishment. He’s going to have to live with himself, and so in that case, I want him to live, on 2 levels. I do feel some tinge of a need for revenge, but then seeing him suffering in the end… well, that kind of appeases it. He LOST. He DIDNT win! My husband and I are both still alive, and ina weird way now, I think this kind of jarring experience may be the very thing we need to actually help us get along for the rest of our lives! How ironic!

In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

Hmmmm… don’t know yet. Am I going to have to face my fear of heights somehow? Am I going to have to let my husband be a jerk to me and just get over it considering the stress he’s under when he’s trying to save my life? Honestly I don’t know if I’m truly ready for that!

What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

What I said above.

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

The flying thing is a big one. I beat myself up sooo much, for not fitting in… for being “difficult”. I’m so afraid sometimes too. Am I going to have to see bloodshed?

What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

None! I don’t do car chases! I hate the way my husband drives half the time and he’s NEVER even been in an accident since I’ve known him. But when the time comes, to have that kid broken… That’s when I can help. You know the really only truly way to stop violence? Is to heal the one prone to cause the violence before it happens, that’s how. Is this kid too late? If not, he’s definitely on the fence. That’s for sure. IF he’s on the fence, and IF he wants help, THEN I can help him.

What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

I’m sure there’s some piece of information I’ll be withholding from my husband simply because I wont want him to do what i know he’ll do if he gets that piece of info. That’s mostly fueled by my own pride. Somehow he’ll find out, though.. all on his own.

What do you think of ?

My son. My only child. I DONT want him to have to find us like this!

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

I’m starting to believe tha this kid has chosen us purely arbitrarily, and that’s its nothing personal. Fine I say. Take me, but NOT my husband! Can he really even handle this? Don’t get me wrong, he’s got talents, but police/commando training??? NOOOOO way. I just hope to GOD he’ll take some advice from me.

What does it do for your life is you succeed here?

See above.

( Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.) Just got one more question:

What will you do when you get to California?

-Call my Son. Just to hear his voice. He’s the same age as this kid, and I ABSOLUTLEY NEED to know if he’s got any unresolved trauma that could make him prone to do anything, anything at all, as self-damaging as our pursuer.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST

Tell me about yourself.

I had a troubled childhood. Parents split up. Mom was addicted to opiods (You know, the pills given to her by the pharmacy that were supposed to make her life better). Dad got killed in the Gulf war (you know, the one we never should have been in). I didn’t have money to finish college (because the tuitions are so ridiculously high), and I always had trouble making friends in high school… I got picked on a lot… Had aszthma (global warming sure ain’thelping that. THANKS BOOMERS!) but then I found a home in the tech world. My mind is always analyzing man-made things. I trust them. they continue to evolve and get better. But it’s the God-made things; the humans, that I scurry from. They DONT get better with age, they screw up the world even more.

Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’m scrawny enough to hide… anywhere. outside under a rock. I’ll sleep in the desert, the trunk of a car, a broom closet; even an outhouse if I have to. I’m not too proud.

Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail?

Well for one thing, how pathetic am I if I can’t even defeat an old couple with an outdated GPS driving a gas-guzzler through the mountans and deserts? Second of all, who said I’m committed to making sure they fail? What kind of person do you think I am? This is a duel – a modern-day joust if you will. If he can beat me, then more power to him. What the hell else have I got to live for anyway?

What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

Oh, well, you know, they’ll analyze my situation. They’ll write articles, saying ‘what caused this’, and maybe, just maybe, the politicians will pay attention and realize that I could have just as easily done this with guns. And then MAYBE, people will start to help people like me before it’s too late. So there’s a CHANCE this will be a wake-up call to society to start GIVING A SHIT!

What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

This is like, the big game, the test. This is my test. It just feels right… I mean, for me. It’s feels right for me. Me alone, I hope. I wouldn’t wish this fate on ANYONE ELSE.

What secrets must you keep to succeed?

My identity for starters. GOD FORBID one of them wants to try and get close to me, like Mr. Rogers or some kind of pedophile would. Fuck that. i HAVE to keep hidden as much as I can. And they can’t know i have Asthma either! Especially not in the desert.

What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

If I have any , I’m totally blind to them right now.

Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I don’t think most people would have the nerve/bravery/courage to pull this off, let alone the tech savvy.

What do you think of ?

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

Haven’t I been doing that all along? I mean, I’ve finally got a mission in life. For the first time, in my life I feel like I have a devoted plan; Jerry-rig a self-driving car, so it’s my very own remote controlled car (You know I never had one of those growing up. Like I said, i was deprived.) and use it to single out one of those giant gas-guzzling Boomers, or ex-hippies, or whatever you wanna call them, that’s been destroying the world we’re doomed to inherit, and make a statement for the world to ponder.

[Joe Donato]

What I learned: A lot of these things seem redundant, but there are other areas that were “holes” that could lead to 2-dimensional interpretations on screen. It’s nice to fine-tune some of the traits and see new traits pop-up. My characters tend to have multiple-personality disorders at first. As a cook, I am prone to put too many ingredients into the pot, and its a real discipline to focus and refine, as my audio-production teacher always said in class “Less is more”. I think my own insecurities make me prone to overcompensate. I believe that “less is more” is an important self-discipline that will be crucial to my success.

PROTAGONISTS: HUSBAND & WIFE

HUSBAND: Runner/Fighter

Age range and Description: 60s, caucasian male, got a gut, but not obese.

Internal Journey: Can’t figure out why he’s always arguing with his wife. Still trying to solve personality clashes they’ve had their entire relationship. Maybe now that they’re retiring, they can get it figured out?

External Journey: Wants to successfully “deliver” his wife to California, aka “the promised land” by driving across country for an early retirement, but now they’ve got a stalker in one of those high-tech cars!

Motivation: To be seen as a hero to his wife.

Wound: Still doesn’t feel ‘validated’ by wife for not delivering on key things in their marriage (money, bigger house, more kids)

Mission/Agenda: To deliver his wife safely to California and defeat their pursuer.

Secret: Deep down he fears he truly is “inadequate”, but ever show it to his wife cause he doesn’t want to give her more anxiety/stress/pressure/burden.

What makes them special?

He’s not a quitter, and has the ability to adapt. So does his wife.

WHAT DRAWS US TO THIS CHARACTER? We see either ourselves, or our parents in them, “everyman” who is being unjustly persecuted, but will rise to the occasion anyway.

TRAITS: Extroverted, for sure. Also focused on the task at hand.

Subtext: Doesn’t have a lot, because he lets everything out. But if/when he’s planning/plotting, you can tell something under the hood is cooking. He becomes silent, and he’s a force to be reckoned with. Also, it pains him to not get-along with his wife because he’s totally invested on their future together.

FLAW: Stubborn. And afraid of the “new” because it makes him feel stupid. Sometimes he’s in denial about it, and other times he’s smart enough to recognize it, but sometimes he’s got such a mission that he can’t stop the breaks in time. So he will “discover” that he was being stubborn. A couple times he admits it, but only certain times. He’ll declare “now THAT TIME, that time I was stubborn”.

VALUES: Honesty, hard work, American way, devoted to protecting wife and giving her her hearts desire because if anyone deserves it, its her.

IRONY: He’s the first to embrace a better solution or a new and improved way of doing something… so long as it’s HIS idea. Doesn’t trust new technology and doesn’t realize the main reason he demonizes it is because it makes him feel inferior and inadequate.

WHAT MAKES THIS THE RIGHT CHARACTER FOR THIS ROLE? He’s the opposite of the kid. It’s YOUNG vs. OLD. Who is stronger? Who is smarter? It appears like the millenial has the advantage, especially since the Kid is the aggressor and the husband is in the seat of the victim. BUT the husband knows how to fight. He’s been fighting all his life!

WIFE:

Wife is: Victim/Dreamer turned fighter

Age range and Description: Same age as husband.

Internal Journey: Husband STILL doesn’t get her after all these years!

External Journey: Burned out and looking forward to retirement after long tiring last few years of social work.

Motivation: To not get overwhelmed by anxiety, and instead, make the trip successful.

Wound: Can’t fly, due to a lifelong phobia that she’s never conquered. Feels guilty about “restricting” husband’s desires to travel, but also “mad” that society, and her husband still don’t understand why she can’t just “get over it”.

Mission/Agenda: To use psychological tricks to get her husband to take her advice, even though he never wants to take it because he always thinks his ideas are better.

Secret: What makes them special? When the rubber hits the road, they still manage to adapt and succeed as a unit due to underlying mutual self-respect.

WHAT DRAWS US TO THIS CHARACTER? She is a voice of reason and empathy that, if people would listen to her, can provide solutions and deliverance to her struggling husband and their quest.

TRAITS: Weary and worn out from years of teaching and dealing with the new generation. She’s still got a lot of life to live. She totally believes “there’s no such thing as old”. But nothiing is going to make her happier than getting to California with her husband. So in that sense, she’s driven too. Yeah, he cranks at her, but surely once he gets to the West Coast, he’ll change. He’ll be so happy.

SUBTEXT: She will propose/float/declare an unsoliticed alternative plan/theory like a little unsolicited ancedote, but her husband understands it as “You’re doing it wrong, do it this way.”

FLAW: too sensitive. There are times when she will feel “shut out/not heard” when she could have just stuck up for herself/pleaded her case, with one more sentence, and she would have won the argument or gotten her way, but she gives up too soon. In her mind, she “shouldn’t have to fight for everything”.

VALUES: Loves people, and doesn’t ask much from the world. Very giving to others in need.

Irony: Doubts herself far more than her intelligence would lead you to believe.

WHAT MAKES THIS THE RIGHT CHARACTER FOR THIS ROLE? The husband is still motivated by defending her honor, and she has a lot of it. she’s getting old like him, and she doesn’t understand the tech too, but she’s also not so stubborn, and deep down, she has the relational tooks to redeem/heal/save their attacker, assuming she can survive his onslaughts.

ANTAGONIST: Milennia Tesla & Smartcar driver

ROLE IN THE STORY:

Villain/Predator: stalking this middle aged couple out of a general disregard for all people their age.

they are martyrs for their entire generation.

Age range and Description: early 20s, skinny caucasian male.

Internal Journey: Hopeless and full of anger. Is giving up. Going to take it out on somebody and will blame the older generation. At least he’ll make a statement, but in the end, develops a conscience and a new respect for these people and realizes the wrong he is doing.

External Journey: Decides to pursue and attack an older couple driving a gas-guzzling RV. Struggles on an emotional level when he realizes that taking them down is not so simple. Ultimately, either surrenders or nobly accepts defeat.

Motivation: General cathartic revenge mission.

Wound: Never been able to trust adults growing up. Combine that with the news of wars, racism and global warming, he blames the older generation for all his problems.

Mission/Agenda: Secret: What makes them special? He understands all the new tech. Can even operate a car via remote control.

WHAT DRAWS US TO THIS CHARACTER? So slick with tech, and we have to find out why does he have it out for these two retirees?

TRAITS: Slick with tech. So slick he’s combining features of the car with driving technique in a way we’d never think of. He’s also Young and Nimble, and really seems to be driven to focus on this car. What’s his weakness? Short and skinny and there’s something nervous about him. Also, he’s keeping a very low profile. Too low. He goes into a store and/or interacts with others only when he absolutely has to, and when there are others around, he’d sooner choose to go out of his way to hide from them, then he would just “blend in”.

SUBTEXT: EVERYTHING is subtext with this guy. His only outlet is the expression of this act of destruction against the RV drivers. If/when he falls short at failing at his goal, he gets reserved and retreats quickly: drives off into darkness/hiding. But when he succeeds, he experiences relief more than anything. He’s like a Walter White in the body of Jesse.

FLAW: Has shut himself off from the world: can’t trust anyone over 30 because all the world’s problems seem to have been created before he showed up.

VALUES: surviving by hiding, both physically and emotionally.

IRONY: Doesn’t think he’s got a chance for a future because of the way the world is, yet his adaptation skills of survival and his mastery of new tech are profound skills anyone older than him would be envious of. At the end, he wants to die, and the fact that he wants to die ironically makes life worth living for him now.

WHAT MAKES THIS THE RIGHT CHARACTER FOR THIS ROLE? He is the epitome of the things that the husband fears, based on his two main weaknesses: Not understanding new technology, and not being physically adept anymore: ie; he’s OLD. This kid is YOUNG. He understands the “new” and he can run and hide quite easily.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Character profiles part 1

What I learned (once again) is that when I just start writing, the answers to these questions start to flesh out. I feel like Ezekiel connecting dry bones one ligament at a time. My Trek horror-thriller seems to be taking shape now moreso than my “Winter Warlock” script (can’t figure out who the antagonist is really. (Who was the Antagonist in Citizen Kane? not really sure. Anyone got insight on that?), but in the meantime, I’ll put some flesh on the bones of TREK…

PROTAGONISTS:

Husband is:

Runner: He’s put into a position of running from the pursuing driver. It’s his best option. On a subconscious level, he wrestles with the idea that that is what he’s doing now in life with their “early retirement, buy a winnebago and drive cross-country” plan. His wife’s subtext also eludes to the idea that she thinks that of him too.

Fighter: While that may or may not be true, his strength throughout his adult life decisions has ALWAYS been to adapt/survive/endure. If he can’t figure out how to defeat the pursuer because of his “old/big” obstacles (he can’t run very well these days, his thumbs are too big to type on smartphones easily, he doesn’t even pretend that he’d know how to use half of the tech gadgets in new cars) he will at least endure with the old technology that he’s familiar with.

Wife is:

Victim: Sometimes she feels a victim of her husband’s shortcoming. But in the big picture, she is framed as the potential innocent victim of their pursuer. Forcing the audience to feel empathy for her and forcing the husband into action. And ironically, she will be the one who reaches out to her pursuer with healing. She NEEDS to survive his attacks so that she can help to heal/save him.

Dreamer: While they both dream of a happier retirement future, she totally encouraged the “drive cross-country trek” in the first place and was the main planner of hotels/roadmaps/travel apps to make it successful.

ANTAGONIST

Tesla driver is:

Villain: He understands the new tech. He is nimble and skinny and can hide in a field of rocks if being pursued (probably learned how to do that when he was a child and was being chased by bullies or an abusive authority figure)

Predator: As a skinny wimpy kid, he has no power. But his Tesla is like his very own Ironman suit, and he has put in the time to learn all its tricks & tools like a James Bond car. He’s going to use it/test it on this old RV, clearly full of a couple of old people who already lived their life high on the hog. He was already suicidal, so if he dies he’s OK with it. But this older generation is most likely the cause of all the reasons he has no hope for this life anyway. And at least they have each other after all.

His external journey: Simple enough. Just pursue these guys, and don’t get caught. Lets see where they take him. If they take him on a cross-country road trip, how cool is that?

His inner Journey: I don’t know if he dies in the end, or if the couple is able to save him. But he does admit to them in one form or another that “you guys still got a lot worth living for and to contribute to society”. He can’t place all the blame on them as a scapegoat. They want to say the same about him too. Can they? Is it better if he dies? Will they press charges? Maybe they think he has suffered enough?

Other Characters:

Supporting characters & Background characters: Cops? Gas station owners? Servicemen at Dealers for Teslas & RVs. People in the diner? Other drivers on the road? Truckers? ALL of them are Minor roles.

Genre: Horror-Thriller. Is it a comedy? Surely there will be comedic elements in it, since that’s what I’m prone to, but I’m more excited by the thriller part than the laughing part. I think of movies I’m trying to emulate and I’m much more prone to re-watch any Speilberg thriller, than I am Lost in America, Road Trip, or any of the Cannonball Run movies.

Role in the story:

Tesla Driver:

Age range and Description: early 20s, skinny caucasian male.

Internal Journey: Hopelessness and full of anger. Going to take it out on somebody and will blame the older generation. At least he’ll make a statement, but in the end, develops a conscience and realizes the wrong he is doing.

External Journey: Decides to pursue and attack an older couple driving a gas-guzzling RV. Struggles on an emotional level when he realizes that taking them down is not so simple. Ultimately, either surrenders or nobly accepts defeat.

Motivation: Wound: Never been able to trust adults growing up. Combine that with the news of wars, racism and global warming, he blames the older generation for all his problems.

Mission/Agenda: Secret: What makes them special? He understands all the new tech. Can even operate a car via remote control.

Husband:

Age range and Description: 60s, caucasian male, got a gut, but not obese.

Internal Journey: Can’t figure out why he’s always arguing with his wife. Still trying to solve personality clashes they’ve had their entire relationship. Maybe now that they’re retiring, they can get it figured out?

External Journey: Wants to successfully “deliver” his wife to California, aka “the promised land” by driving across country for an early retirement, but now they’ve got a stalker in one of those high-tech cars!

Motivation: To be seen as a hero to his wife.

Wound: Still doesn’t feel ‘validated’ by wife for not delivering on key things in their marriage (money, bigger house, more kids)

Mission/Agenda: Secret: What makes them special?

He’s not a quitter, and has the ability to adapt. So does his wife.

Wife:

Age range and Description: Same age as husband.

Internal Journey: Husband STILL doesn’t get her after all these years!

External Journey: Burned out and looking forward to retirement after long tiring last few years of social work.

Motivation: To not get overwhelmed by anxiety, and instead, make the trip successful.

Wound: Can’t fly, due to a lifelong phobia that she’s never conquered. Feels guilty about “restricting” husband’s desires to travel, but also “mad” that society, and her husband still don’t understand why she can’t just “get over it”.

Mission/Agenda: To use psychological tricks to get her husband to take her advice, even though he never wants to take it because he always thinks his ideas are better.

Secret: What makes them special? When the rubber hits the road, they still manage to adapt and succeed as a unit due to underlying mutual self-respect.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato. Reason: forgot to add the "role in the story" part

[Joe Donato]

I am Joe Donato and I lived in the Hudson Valley, NY for 10 years (1.5 hours north of Manhattan), but grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs. After completing the ProSeries during the Pandemic, I finished the first drafts of 3 scripts and made a vow to have all of them rewritten and market-ready by the end of 2021. Its now June of 2022 and they all still need work. So I took this class to help push me to getting them up to snuff.

Interesting fact:: my first script (which I first wrote 20 years ago) was a finalist in the Big Apple Screenplay competition this past month. The night before the deadline we had to do the 4 hour drive to Philadelphia, but i asked my wife to drive the whole way while I sat in the passenger seat and feverishly rewrote. She really supports me! I submitted it at 1:30 am, eastern time, an hour and a half before the deadline.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato. Reason: becaue I'm a perfectionist

[Joe Donato]

In the first script, I learned that the importance of the “inner” and the “outer” journeys can vary, so long as there is at least some of both at the beginning. My main character’s inner journey in my one script is a small one, and the main character’s inner journey in my other script is extremely important to the movie: its the main meat/message. Good to ponder that and be ok with that at the very beginning. On the 2nd script I learned that putting the soul into my main character is more important right now than putting the skin and bones on them.

SCRIPT 1 – “TREK”

2. Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

Internal Journey: Intentionally putting “Looking out for the safety of his wife” as a priority over “looking out for the safety of his winnebago.”

External Journey: Surviving the attacks of their pursuer and getting him and his wife to California safely.

3. What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old ways: self-centered, focusing on petty problems and losing the joy of life. Being ruled by anger and fear.

New ways: Seeing his place in the grand scheme of things, and seeking a better solution by not leaning on his own understanding.

SCRIPT 2: THE SEARCH FOR THE WINTER WARLOCK:

2. Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

Internal Journey: Discovering the true value of older family members. They’re not just a burden on society. They have irreplaceable value.

External Journey: Discovering the deeper meaning behind cryptic entries in an otherwise monotonous farmers journal.

3. What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old ways… self-centered. The world exists for his own amusement/pleasure/satisfaction. What else is there, when you boil it all down?

New ways… making others happy because he actually cares about them as much as he cares about himself.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato

I’ve written 2 market-ready scripts that I’ve been submitting over the years, and I just completed 3 other drafts in various stages of rewriting. I have two more script ideas that I’ve begun to outline. But I can’t decide which one to write next, so I took this class with the idea that it will force me to just write at least one of them. But since I haven’t decided which one, I’ll just start writing both of them. If I only finish one of them, I will still be way better off than I was before the class, just sitting in limbo undecided about which one I should start fleshing out. In the past I’ve stayed in that state with some ideas for years. I took this class as a part of an effort to change that.

Interesting thing about me: I just came from sitting in a movie theater for the first time since Covid. We’ve also adopted a Pomeranian this past August, and he just got Therapy dog certification a few weeks ago, so we are allowed to take him anywhere. So tonight was the first time in my life I watched a movie in a theater with a species other than a human. He’s so chill and he only weighs 10 pounds, and when he got off of my wife’s lap because he was hot and jumped to the empty seat next to him, and it folded up on him, he didn’t even flinch. He just sat there like he was in a taco. It was adorable. Wish I had taken pics, but you know the rule: no cell phones!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato. Reason: didn't finish answering the questions
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Joe Donato.

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato

I agree to the terms of this release form

[Joe Donato]

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Joe’s ‘comedy brainstorm:

What I learned… revisiting already conceived ideas. most of my ‘brainstorms’ were plot moments that were already in my outline. But they were just plot-points. They had dramatic tension, but doesn’t mean they were “funny”. By going back over them, I was able to add more character personalities and make them much more potentially funny. For example, the Bear attack, was just a bear attack, and had the bear attack Bradley cause he was the “weakest” character, for shock value, but the idea of Bradley getting attacked because he was excited cause he though that bigfoot was eating food from his menu so he ran out to meet him, came totally out of this brainstorm.

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Comedy Characters and their loglines:

– Bradley is an aspiriong chef/cook, and a devoted bigfoot believer. One of his fantasies is to prepare the ultimate meal that will lure bigfoot out of the woods.

– Pete has had a tough time dealing with his parent’s divorce and takes a vacation in the woods with a desire to try to find bigfoot, but it turns into an obsession.

– Tom, Pete’s brother is trying to look out for Pete, but he has very little tolerance for consipracy theorists and is prone to belittle bigfoot believers moreso than he is to try to understand them.

– Wilson just joined the bigfoot club and wants to make a good impression on the group. But he has azthsma and is not quite as athletic as the rest of the group, so he is very self-conscious that he might not “make the grade”.

Brainstorm a list of possible funny moments that are connected

with the heart of the comic situation.

Misinterpretation

– They think they are chasing a bigfoot, but its really a guy in a suit who’s part of a sophisticated Bigfoot impersonating racket: How long will it take before they realize it’s a guy in a suit?

Comedic Surprise

Wildly Inappropriate Response

– There is a large bird of prey in the tree and the group is fascinated and wants to get a closer look. Pete wants to impress Emily but Tom is making him look stupid with belittling sarcastic comments. Pete steals Tom’s tranquilizer gun and shoots the bird.

Forced union of incompatibles

– Emily, a smart attractive young single Environmental scientist is stuck on a bigfoot-finding mission with nerdy bigfoot geeks, a professional “mountain-man” tracker and a shifty Native American, and led by two arguing brothers who are prone to compete for her attention.

Embarrassment

– The guy dressed as bigfoot has been “caught”. he has to go back to his bigfoot impersonators club and explain to them why there are people outside trying to get in to the club.

Comedic tragedy

– Bradley the camp cook, thinking a bigfoot is raiding his camp food. Excited, he goes out to investigate and gets attacked by a grizzly bear.

4. Write an OUTLINE of the scene including the comedy moments

you’ve chosen. But don’t write the scene yet.

Outline: a group of amateur, but relentless bigfoot hunters chase a “bigfoot” through the woods. They chase it to a door hidden in a mountain. The ‘bigfoot’ enters the building, which turns out to be a sophisticated clubhouse. The bigfoot hunters pound on the door demanding to be let in. The bigfoot takes off his outfit, and realizes he “blew it”. He lets them in and offers to help them so long as they don’t reveal to the rest of the club members that he got “caught” or that they are even in the building. Then the guy has to go face the other members of the club.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s punchlines…

What I learned is that quite often I already have the punchline I want to deliver thought up, but to make it stronger, I have to go back and tweak the setup so there is more buildup. In the first draft of this scene, there is much less chatter and “intelligent” discussion within the group before Tom’s final sarcastic Zombie line.

The setup is simple: its a team of various experts on a search for bigfoot, all of whom were hired by Pete who is a fervent believer. Tom is his non-believing brother who is only there because he promised his Dad he’d watch over Pete.

EXT. NONDESCRIPT TRAIL – DAY

The group hike in single file. Sams leads the way with a machete, which excites both Pete and Tom… And Kyle and Merlin and Bradley. Everyone except Emily.

The drone flies slowly above them. They hear a SCREECH.

There is an large bird of prey on a tree far away (condor, eagle, hawk, vulture).

Merlin raises the drone slowly.

KYLE

(looking at monitor)

I think it’s a condor! I’m going in closer.

Drone Monitor shows the bird holding a slender pale object in its beak. It stares back at the drone.

PETE

I think its intrigued by the lens. I bet it thinks its another bird. What do you think Poetone?

Puts the object down and starts squawking at the drone.

POETONE

I would think it would have flown away by now. It’s probably protecting something, like a nest.

KYLE

I don’t see a nest.

EMILY

Can you get a closer look at whatever it had in its beak?

The drone goes closer, the bird starts squawking louder, but seems to be guarding the object.

PETE

Merlin back off.

Merlin looks at Kyle.

KYLE

(sighs)

Yeah, do it.

Merlin reluctantly backs the drone off. The bird calms down. The group relaxes overall. Except for Pete.

TOM

Ask it if it’s seen bigfoot.

TOM

I mean, I’m sure it has right? Soaring high, excellent vision. Maybe it protects him. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t like the drone. Maybe bigfoot pays him in cornnuts to distract humans from his secret lair.

PETE

OK wise-ass.

Pete grabs the tranqulizer gun out of Tom’s holster, points and shoots.

It misses the bird and bounces off the tree. The bird screeches and flies away revealing the object wedged in between the branches of the tree.

TOM

(to Pete)

Was that really necessary?

PETE

Did it shut you up?

POETONE

It’s not a nest. It wouldn’t have left.

PETE

Good. Merlin go in for a closeup on the object.

Merlin, in all his glory, flies the drone up and in, getting excellent footage of the object.

The group crowds around the monitor. Pete lets Emily take his place closest to the screen, which pleases her, which pleases Pete.

SAMS

I think its a bone.

EMILY

But what kind?

SAMS

Maybe a rib?

PETE

Could it be a bigfoot rib?

TOM

Sure… if bigfoots exist and birds of prey know where they bury their dead, and the sacred bigfoot burial grounds are located nearby-

PETE

Poetone! What do you think?

POETONE

If bigfoots exist, they got ribs, right? Why are they any different than a bear rib or a wolf rib or a deer rib?

EMILY

Or a primate rib.

KYLE

But there are no other primates in America.

SAMS

Except humans. And if condors have access to their ribs, then we’re specifically talking about dead ones.

TOM

Wait!

They turn to him.

TOM

What about zombies? Could be a zombie rib right? Better yet, what about bigfoot zombies? Did anyone here ever think about the possibility that could be a bigfoot zombie rib up in that tree?

Emily smirks.

PETE

Ok that’s enough!

TOM

I’m just sayin-

PETE

Sayin’ nothing helpful. Look its way too high to get to anyway, so why don’t we just move on. Lets find a place to camp.

A dejected Pete walks on past Tom. The others follow. Kyle and Merlin send unapproving glares Tom’s way. Emily pulls Pete aside.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Comedy character loglijnes

What I learned is similar to the last lesson: The process that is working for me is to write a scene casually at first, with a beginning and an end, and then, with these character loglines in my mind (but not yet on-the-nose spelled out for the reader) rewrite the scene, with each character “pushing” the other’s buttons as much as they can.

Three characters: in this scene:

Pete, a history of being a good-natured kid that tries to get along with everybody. But lately he has been working through his parents’ recent divorce and going through some personality changes. He just discovered that his whole camping trip that his dad paid for
as a “gift” had a secret self-serving political agenda to
it the whole time. Pete is complaining to Mom about it now on the phone and finds himself getting angry.

Tom: Historically Tom has been more often the antagonistic one, but prides himself on being very rational and level-headed. His antagonism tends to come in the from of intellectual debate. He is also Tom’s older brother and before this scene, has had less respect for Mom than Pete.

Their Mom: Recently divorced from their father and living alone. (Pete and Tom are college-aged so they get to choose who to live with). She loves her boys but her way of dealing with problems is to just let the antagonizer win in a very phlegmatic “oh well” kind of way. The more someone tries to fight her, she kills the battle by either letting them win, or changing the subject in a way that leaves the antagonist disoriented.

Intercut between Mom and Pete on the phone:

Pete: “Dad did it again, trying to run my life”

Mom: (smiling) is that so?

Pete: Why does he do that? Did he do that to you?

Mom: What do you think?

Pete: It’s wrong. its so wrong. Why can someone just do that? Why’d you let him get away with that?

Mom: “Well dear, life is cruel”

Pete: “No Mom, I’m not a 12 year old asking for a Star Wars toy anymore, this is for real”

Mom: I know, I know.

Pete: Dammit Mom. Just one more time, Just tell me, what would you do?

Mom: Well you know me Pete, I’d probably do something stupid.

Pete: NO! Im not gonna let you debase yourself! (yelling) I’m not Dad dammit! You’re always just side-stepping the issue like its no big deal, what the crap kind of parenting is that? Grow a freakin’ pair Mom!

Mom puts the phone down nearby and goes back to reading her magazine as Pete continues yelling. She waits for a long pause.

Pete finally runs out of steam. She picks up the phone, pulls out a piece of folded paper from her pocket, casually unfolds it and reads from it into the phone…

Mom: “that’s your father talking and you know I’m not going to listen to you when you talk like that. How’s your brother?

Pete: Uhh, he’s fine. What do you want to talk to him?

Mom: (Cheery) Yes I’d be thrilled to talk to my 2nd favorite son! Would you do that for me?

Pete thrusts the phone to Tom.

Tom: Hi Mom.

Mom: Hello Peet-tom.

Tom: Mom that’s getting really old, its not funny anymore.

Mom: Oh yes it is its hilarious.

Tom: look don’t worry I’m taking care of him. He’s going to be fine.

Mom: You sure you’ll do something for him?

Tom: I’ve been doing something for him non-stop for like forever. I think I need a break.

Mom: well now you know how I feel.

Tom: Huh? Are you mocking me?

Mom: I’d never mock you, I love you.

Tom is silent.

Mom: when are you coming to visit?

Tom: Soon OK?

Mom: How soon?

Tom: Don’t worry, soon enough. Goodbye Ma.

Mom: You love me right?

Tom: Yeesss! I love you, you know I love you.

Mom: I got you to say it! I win. Goodbye! See you soon!

She hangs up.

Tom is now alone in a closed off room, but he looks through glass and sees Emily giving Pete a hug.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s comedic situation.

What I learned… I wrote this scene initially purely based on the need to build tension and to move the plot along. But now that I’m satisfied with that part, I think on the next re-write, I can focus on the “incompatables” element of the two brothers and make it funnier.

This is a screenplay about two millenial brothers with opposite beliefs about bigfoot. Pete is a believer and recently had a nervous breakdown while in the 2016 presidential voting booth. As a result, the brothers are on a long camping trip. But Pete has turned it into a bigfoot-finding mission. He’s even hired a crew. His brother Tom patronizes him, but totally doesn’t believe, and fears this is turning into an obsession for Pete. In this scene, Pete wants to go out alone to search for bigfoot alone for a couple of days, and Tom doesn’t think he should go…

Tom approaches Pete

TOM

Can we talk?

PETE

OK everyone, back the campsite. Give us a few minutes.

The group begins to return to the camp as the brothers walk.

PETE

I bet you think I don’t want you to come right?

TOM

Yeah, I get it. You’ll be out of my hair. I’ll get the time alone in the woods that I want. It might be a blessing to get away from each other for a while… but leaving the group alone on your dollar? And not to mention, I made a promise to Dad that I’d keep you safe, so I’m really not sure that’s for the best-

PETE

No no no. You should totally come with me.

TOM

HuH? Wait a sec. Based on your little soliloquy just now, aren’t I scaring away sasquatch with my thoughts or my negative energy because I don’t believe in him?

PETE

Well, yes to the negative energy, but not because you don’t believe in him. I’d actually think it’s better if you come for that very reason. You’re not a threat if you don’t think he exists. Its people like you who get to see him. It’s testimonies of people like you that the world needs to hear from!

TOM

Oh man. In that case, I’m definitley NOT going!

PETE

Wait, would you just hear me out?

TOM

Please.

PETE

This is the first time I’ve been away from both Dad and Mom and this will be the first time I’ve been alone in a long time. “Even though Dad doesn’t say it, I can tell Dad was hurt by the way Mom just seemed to abandon him and us with a seemingly total lack of loyalty.

TOM

Mom wasn’t the best at defending herself. If she was a better debater, I bet you she would have won more of those arguments. Most times she had a good point.

PETE

I just want you to know, I’d never leave you, no matter how wrong or misguided you are, I’m with you, man.

TOM

Don’t say that.

PETE

Why not?

TOM

Because, If I ever do get misguided, I hope to God I’m smart enough to not take you down with me.

PETE

In that case. Stay. Stay with the group if you really feel that way.

TOM

I still can’t. I promised Dad I wouldn’t leave you.

PETE

Why did you do that? You know I can handle myself in the woods.

TOM

C’mon dude. You had a nervous breakdown trying to make a decision like the fate of the world depended on that one little choice, and now you’re bangin’ on trees half naked in the woods. Did ANYTHING Jeremiah said resonate?

PETE

I don’t make Nut Butters. I just want to go off in the woods for a few days. You know, Like Christopher Mcandless.

TOM

Who?

PETE

Oh c’mon you know! The guy that went to Alaska and they made a movie about him, Into the Wild, remember?

TOM

Oh Dear God, please come up with a better example.

PETE

Ok, Henry David Thoreau.

TOM

Sigh. OK. You have my blessing if you take Sams with you.

PETE

No way man. That guy’ll scare everything away. What’s wrong with Poetone?

TOM

I dunno there’s just something fishy about him. How can you be so trusting?

PETE

How come you always have to doubt everthing?

TOM

I trust you.

PETE

But you had to promise Dad you’ll take care of me?

TOM

That’s Dad who didn’t trust you. Not me.

PETE

Did you trust Mom?

TOM

Yeah.

PETE

Maybe you should go pay her a visit. Just leave. We don’t need you. Get Sams to drive you. I’ll pay for it.

TOM

Wait a sec, are you kicking me out of your little club?

PETE

If you leave on your own, I won’t have to.

Tom stares at him. They don’t say anything. Tom just turns and walks the other way.

PETE

Well??

No response.

[Joe Donato]

What I learned was that the hardest one for me is the most intriguing to me: the misunderstanding/setup. here is a recent shot at it.

This is a scene from a Rom-Com I’m writing. Jonathon and Jenna are dating and are attending a Holiday Concert. Jonathon brought Jenna there as a surprise, not knowing that the conductor is Jenna’s narcissistic ex-boyfriend, who still isn’t over the breakup. (Jonathon doesn’t know they dated, and Jenna didn’t know Dale would be conducting this concert, or she would never have agreed to go) It is intermission and they are in the reception hall. The interplay between Jonathon and Dale (Jenna’s ex) is the part that relates to this assignment. But Jenna got some good lines in there too I think…

CATHERINE (O.S.)

Is that Jonathon & Jenna?

A woman their age approaches them toting a darling 4 year-old and carrying an infant.

JENNA

Catherine Hi!

CATHERINE

Oh good you remember me. Wasn’t sure if you’d recognize me with a family and all.

(laughs)

JENNA

Oh yeah, we totally remember you, right Jonathon? You look great?

As Catherine bends down to tend to her kid, Jenna looks at him. He shrugs, wide eyed.

JONATHON

Well- Oh yeah you look great. And where’s your better half?

CATHERINE

Oh, Todd’s working late during the holidays, but you know, he’s here in spirit. Soo.. are you two, like a thing? Officially yet?

JONATHON

What, what do you mean?

In the background, Dale appears. He slowly beelines towards Jenna without anyone else noticing.

CATHERINE

Oh, I’m sorry, too soon, didn’t mean to make it awkward.

JONATHON

Ohhhhh. No it’s ok, we’re actually pretty serious, at least, since you bring it up, that’s how I’m feeling about it. How about you Jenna?

He puts his arm around her.

JENNA

Oh yeah, yeah. It’s been what, 2 months now? Kinda tough because of the long-distance thing but you know it’s been worth it so far.

DALE

Has it now?

People now notice Dale. Some applaud.

CATHERINE

Oh Mr. Gibbons, sooo beautiful!

DALE

Thank you thank you. How about you Jenna, hopefully It was good enough for your standards? I know you’ve got such high ones.

JENNA

Beautiful as always Dale.

DALE

I don’t think we’ve been introduced, Hi I’m Dale Gibbons, but surely you knew that. And you are?

JONATHON

Jonathon. Jonathon Piscatelli.

DALE

Ohh Italian huh? Very nice.

JONATHON

And how do you two know each other?

JENNA

Oh we used to work together, right Dale?

DALE

Well, I guess you could could call it work.

JENNA

It was definitely work.

JONATHON

OK. On what? Making music I assume?

DALE

We sure as hell tried. I did everything I could to get beautiful music out of her, trust me. It was a chore.

JENNA

How gracious of you! As usual.

DALE

Oh Jenna, don’t be bitter.

(to Jonathon)

She had her chance in the limelight. We could’ve kept working at it, but she decided to quit. That’s her perogative I guess.

Jenna is silent. For like, a long time. Catherine feels the tension. Her kids turn towards a fresh batch of cookies passing by.

CATHERINE

Hey I deprived these kids long enough, sorry I’m just gonna tend to them for a moment.

She scurries off. Dale turns towards Jonathon

DALE

Are you a musician?

JONATHON

Uh, I play some guitar.

DALE

Uh huh, classical?

JONATHON

Well mostly singer/songwriter stuff. But I love all styles of music, I mean, most types.

DALE

Whos your favorite composer? Do you know?

(turns to Jenna)

Does he even have one?

Jenna stays silent.

DALE

Have you ever written her a song?

JONATHON

I’ve fooled around a bit.

DALE

How about a Sonnet?

JONATHON

Well, not yet.

DALE

You should probably get on that. Actually now that I remember, don’t bother. It won’t help.

JENNA

(to Jonathon)

He’s a beautiful composer too.

Getting nowhere, Dale moves in closer to Jonathon.

DALE

How’s your nut stash?

JONATHON

Uh, what now?

DALE

(To Jenna)

Has he brought you a stash yet? You still got mine?

WOMAN (O.S.)

There he is!

Dale turns towards the voice. Jenna grabs Jonathon and scurries away with him.

JENNA

Oh God I hate that man!

JONATHON

What happened he didn’t like your playing?

JENNA

Really? You don’t get it?

JONATHON

Uhh…

JENNA

I wanna get out of here.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Comedy plots

What I learned is that all three of my scenarios all had strong elements of “fish out of water”, “incongruent pairngs” and “hilarious purpose”. In fact, as I continued to refine the concept, I moved them around. My original “fish out of water” became my “hilarious purpose” and so forth. Also, when I came up with the initial premise, I had no intention of making the main subject of the movie the main character, but that’s what happened for all 3 of the “premise” one. Also as a by-product, all 3 of those stories are now either family-fun animation scripts or dystopian sci-fi (but still funny). That was not my original vision at all!

PREMISE: Humans clone the first wooly mammoth, and it escapes, of course.

Fish out of water:

– The domesticated cloned mammoth escapes into the African jungle and tries to adapt. It’s Frankenstein, but in the animal kingdon.

Incongruent pairings:

– The humans introduce this “ancient-instincts” mammoth to a new robot with potential “AI” capabilities to see if it can learn anything from the mammoth. It goes so well they use the mammoth to teach a whole fleet of giant robots. The robots use those newly honed survival skills to escape and do things that serve the well-being of both animals and machines. To hell with the human’s agenda.

Hilarious purpose:

– the mammoth, fearful of humans that are chasing it, finds its way to the ocean; the only place it feels it can hide. It befriends a dolphin who teaches the mammoth to swim and introduces it to other sea mammals who help it adapt to living in the water. It uses its trunk to exhale like a blowhole. And because it is genetically modified, it discovers it has the power to ingest large chunks of seawater and filter out the plastics and expel them onto land, thus becoming a hero/saviour to the sea-mammal populations everywhere.

CHARACTER: A Young Brilliant head-strong scientist

Fish out of Water:

– A young naive but brilliant and somewhat smug vegan environmental sceintist gets a paid scholarship to his dream institution. While there, he steals a genetically engineered wooly mammoth from a lab and gets caught. He pleads guilty and as part of his community service, he has to work in the slums of a third world country, full of people who depend on meat for their only food source, and can only find jobs that harm the environment.

– Incongruent Pairings

A young brilliant scientist has to team up with a blind flat-earther mechanic and flight enthusiast, to help solve a crime that forces them to travel around the world in a sophisticated airplane. It has no windows and flies on auto-pilot most of the time. When it goes haywire, the flat-earther has to help fly it.

– Hilarious Purpose

While doing an internship at MIT, our hero gets to work in a lab where they are breeding tiny mammoths. He thinks they are being bred to sell as pets, but discovers that they want to breed them as a healthier alternative to cattle. He constantly finds ways to thwart them by finding defects/flaws in each specimen. He claims he is destroying them, but in reality is re-homing them “Schindler’s list” style.

[Joe Donato]

To start the class out, please introduce yourself below. That will give you a chance to be part of this group and learn how the forums work.

Tell us the following:

1. Name? Joe Donato

2. How many scripts you’ve written? By the end of the year it will be 5. Right now, 3 1/2. I have two fully completed, and 3 more that I’m rewriting and completing drafts of, with a goal of having all 5 rewritten and market-ready by Jan 1st.

3. What you hope to get out of the class?

Since all of those scripts are comedic in nature, I thought it would be good to take this class as I rewrite to make sure I do full justice to giving them the most amount of funny I can cram into them.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?

There’s just so many things about me that make me unique, special, strange and unusual. Here’s one related to this class. Every since I got married 9 years ago, my wife has started a list of things I randomly say off the cuff that she finds hilarious. I never know when something I say is going to make the list.. and when I intentionally try to say something that I think should be on the list, it usually doesn’t make the cut. Then when we are hanging out with friends, they’ll ask “hey, what’s new on the list lately” and she’ll start reading it. I’m always stunned at what things are funny to some and not funny to others.

Also, if you want to see a self-contained movie I made with my wife, our dog and our cat, to kill time at the beginning of the pandemic, just google #whenfoodiesquarantine” or “when foodies quarantine” on youtube. If you think it was funny, please let me know.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Funny Scene – Raising Arizona

What I learned from this is that there are multiple levels of “funny”. For example, in this script alone, there’s “strong visuals” funny (the opening shot of Hi getting thrust into the picture frame), there’s recurring motifs that are funny (the grizzled mopping prisoner, the Sherriffs offscreen instructions to Ed. etc), there’s funny poetic lines about current social issues (Hi saying maybe Reagan’s advisors are confused), there’s contrasts that are twists on the norm: (giant intimidating prisoner saying he feels trapped in a man’s body, the con flirting with the police officer, etc.), the quirky dialogue and local color of everyone, and of course, situational comedy that fuels the plot. I bolded everything I remembered from the movie and how funny it was. I also highlighted everything that was a payoff from something earlier that I didn’t know was a payoff until I got to the recurring part. I realize now too that a lot of the stuff in these pages that aren’t noted, are actually payoffs for stuff that comes in future pages. This script is so amazingly written.

VER BLACK:
VOICE-OVER: My name is H. I. McDunnough …
A WALL
With horizontal hatch lines.
VOICE-OVER: … Call me Hi.
A disheveled young man in a gaily colored Hawaiian shirt is
launched into frame by someone offscreen.
He holds a printed paddle that reads “NO. 1468-6 NOV.
29 79. “
The hatch marks on the wall behind him are apparently
height markers.
VOICE-OVER: … The first time I met Ed was in the
county lock-up in Tempe, Arizona …
FLASH
As his picture is taken.
CLOSE UP
On the paddle: “NOV. 29 79.”
VOICE-OVER: … a day I’ll never forget.
A bellowing male voice from offscreen:
SHERIFF: Don’t forget the profile, Ed!
ANGLE ON THE STILL CAMERA
It is mounted on a tripod. A pretty young woman in a severe
police uniform peers out from behind it.
WOMAN: Turn to the right.
HI: What kind of name is Ed for a pretty thing like
you?
ED: Short for Edwinna. Turn to the right!
Hi obliges, but still looks at ED Out of the corner of his eye.
HI: You’re a flower, you are. just a little desert flower.
FLASH
On his eye-skewed profile.
HI: Lemme know how those come out.
LOW ANGLE CELL BLOCK CORRIDOR
As Hi is escorted away from the camera toward his cell.
At the far end of the corridor a huge con is sluggishly
mopping the floor.
VOICE-OVER: I was in for writing hot checks which,
when businessmen do it, is called an overdraft. I’m not
complainin’, mind you; just sayin’ there ain’t no pancake
so thin it ain’t got two sides. Now prison life is very
structured-more than most people care for …
INTERCUTTING
Hi’s POV of the MOPPING CON, tracking as he approaches,
and the MOPPING CON’S POV of Hi as Hi approaches.
VO: … But there’s a spirit of camaraderie that exists
between the men, like you find only in combat
maybe …
The mopping. con snarls as Hi passes:
CON: Grrrr . . .
VO: … or on a pro ball club in the heat of a pennant
drive.
NEWSREEL FOOTAGE
A ballplayer connects-THWOCK-for a home run and the
crowd roars.
PRISON HALL
Panning a circle of men who sit facing each other in folding
chairs. 7he pan starts on Hi.
VO: In an effort to better ourselves we were forced to
meet with a counselor who tried to help us figure out
why we were the way we were …
At this point the pan has reached the COUNSELOR, an
earnest, bearded young man who straddles a folding chair
with his arms folded over its back.
He is addressing one of the cons:
COUNSELOR: Why do you use the word “trapped”?
CLOSE UP BLACK CON
The huge muscle-bound black man with a shaved head is
knitting his brow in consternation.
CON: Huh?
COUNSELOR: Why do you say you feel “trapped” .
in a man’s body?
CON: Oh …
He bites his lip, thinking; then, in a resonant bass voice:
… Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real
hard.
PAROLE MEETING ROOM
Three PAROLE OFFICERS-TWO men and a woman-face Hi
across a table.
CHAIRMAN: Have you learned anything, Hi?
HI: Yessir, you bet.
WOMAN: You wouldn’t lie to us, would you Hi?
HI: No ma’am, hope to say.
CHAIRMAN: Okay then. (this becomes a catch-phrase that later becomes funny)
EXT 7-ELEVEN NIGHT
A beat-up Chevy pulls into the all-night store’s empty
parking lot.
VO: I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn’t
easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House …
Hi is getting out of the Chevy in a Hawaiian shirt, holding a
pump-action shotgun.
… I dunno, they say he’s a decent man, so …
He primes the shotgun-WHOOSH-CLACK-and heads for
the store.
… maybe his advisers are confused.
FLASH
Full-face exposure of Hi once again in front of the mug-shot
wall.
ED: Turn to the right!
Hi obliges but shoots sympathetic glances at ED who is
obviously upset, wiping away tears and snuffling behind the
camera.
HI: What’s the matter, Ed?
ED: My fai-ants left me.
VO: She said her fiance had run off with a student
cosmetologist who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
FLASH
On Hi’s profile. He turns back to ED.
HI: That sumbitch.
SHERIFF (offscreen): Don’t forget his phone call, Ed!
HI: You tell him I think he’s a damn fool, Ed. You tell
him I said so-H. 1. McDunnough. And if he wants to
discuss it he knows where to find me …
As another police officer starts to lead him away:
HI: … in the Munroe County Maximum Security
Correctional Facility for Men …
CLOSE ON ED
Looking up through her tears as Hi is led away.
HI (OS): … State Farm Road Number Thirty-one;
Tempe, Arizona …
BACK TO HI
Struggling to call back over his shoulder as he is firmly led
out the door.
HI: … I’ll be waiting!
The door slams.
LOW ANGLE CELL BLOCK CORRIDOR
As Hi is once again escorted toward his cell.
The mopping CON is now in the middle-background,
having worked his way about halfway up the corridor since
last time we saw him.
VO: I can’t say I was happy to be back inside, but the
flood of familiar sights, sounds and faces almost made it
feel like a homecoming.
CLOSE ON MOPPING CON
As Hi passes.
CON: Grrrr …
PRISON HALL
Group is meeting again.
COUNSELOR: Most men your age, Hi, are getting
married and raising up a family. They wouldn’t accept
prison as a substitute.
Hi looks sheepish.
COUNSELOR: … Would any of you men care to
comment?
Two convicts sitting next to each other, GALE and EVELLE,
appear to be friends.
GALE: But sometimes your career gotta come before
family.
EVELLE: Work is what’s kept us happy.
ANGRY BLACK CON: Yeah, but Doc Schwartz is sayin’
you gotta accept responsibilities. I mean I’m proud to say
I got a family … somewheres.
HIGH ANGLE CELL
Looking down from the ceiling. In the foreground, lying on
the top bunk, hands clasped behind his head as he stares off
into space is MOSES. MOSES is a gnarled, elderly black con
with wire-rimmed spectacles.
On the lower bunk, also with hands clasped behind his
head and staring off at the same spot in space, is Hi.
VO: I tried to sort through what the Doc had said, but
prison ain’t the easiest place to think.
MOSES: An’ when they was no meat we ate fowl. An’
when they was no fowl we ate crawdad. An’ when they
was no crawdad to be foun’, we ate San’.
HI: You ate what?
MOSES (nodding): We ate San’.
HI: You ate sand?!
MOSES: Dass right . . .
PAROLE BOARD ROOM
Hi faces the same three PAROLE OFFICERS across the same
table.
CHAIRMAN: Well B, you done served your twenty
munce, and seeing as you never use live ammo, we got
no choice but to return you to society.
SECOND MAN: These doors goan swing wide.
HI: I didn’t want to hurt anyone, Sir.
SECOND MAN: Hi, we respect that.
CHAIRMAN: But you’re just hurtin’ yourself with this
rambunctious behavior.
HI: I know that, sir.
CHAIRMAN: Okay then.
HIGH SHOT
Of a 7-Eleven parking lot, at night, deserted except for Hi’s
car which sits untended, its engine rumbling.
VO: Now I don’t know how you come down on the
incarceration question …
Hi backpedals into frame with a shotgun and a bag of cash.
… whether it’s for rehabilitation or revenge .

[Joe Donato]

Joe Donato

I agree to this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joe Donato]

Hi Tasha. I’m just reading your message now for the first time. (I’m a
bit behind because of some health issues I’m taking care of. (Turns out
I’ll probably be getting spinal surgery next month). Anyways I’ll be
happy to exchange feedback. I don’t see your post on here, but its possible I scrolled past it too fast. You can email me your sample and/or your
feedback of what i posted here. donato2008@verizon.net

If you want a proper script version of the above scene I can also email you a pdf of the same scene. -Joe

[Joe Donato]

I have a Rom Com too. A 1st floor son of Italian immigrants pizza shop owner and a 2nd floor ex-broadway dance teacher have to learn to work together to defend themselves and their livelihoods from their two-faced landlord. They fall in love in the process. Let me know if you want to exchange.

[Joe Donato]

Hi Frances. I, too have been out of class for 2-3 weeks as I had to take time to rewrite another script that was requested by producers. I know I bailed on you last year on finishing reading your script, but I wont bail this time on your outline if you still want feedback in exchange for mine. (I decided to write a different Rom-Com in this class, and see if I learn enough to go back and fix the other one). Anyways, if you still need someone to read your outline I’m up for it, and I’ll do it within 2 days of you sending it to me. -Joe (donato2008@verizon.net)