JOSEPH SWANSON
Forum Replies Created
-
Hey Pat,
This QE process is new to me, so not sure how much insight I can provide regarding that, and obviously if nothing I note here resonates with you as being helpful feel free to ignore it.
Here ya go:
I think this was a brilliant approach for this scene setup. Choosing a sci-fi/alien scene plays really well with these interest techniques (reveals, twists, etc.). I wish I’d thought of that.
My understanding: Trent is an actual outdoorsman who wrote a book about aliens. He’s found something alien in nature. Robert writes stories and sells them to the highest bidder – National Inquirer type stuff [couldn’t help but think of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A42ZYNno5oQ ]
I like that.
That said, I was a little confused however about what exactly was going on. It seemed Trent returned from trying to find something (alien in nature… proof) AND he also has previously shown Robert an alien crystal, which he then re-shows him in the other room. Idea: seems simpler if the alien crystal is what Trent returns with from an alien crash (or whatever). So Trent returns with something tangible that Robert wants to see.
This could help with the exposition in the scene [the ginger stuff and professor stuff that seems largely unrelated]. I found this exercise to be really challenging because we’re trying to stuff a hodgepodge of traits and secret subtexts while still seeming organic. If I was looking at this scene not thinking about those traits, I’d suggest cutting a ton of that back and forth. But if it is to be included to get across these traits then I’d suggest maybe using conflict/intrigue/suspense to help?
So if Trent returns with this crystal and Robert wants to see it, maybe the scene can be about that. You already have that, but it’s only for a short moment. I think you can milk it a lot more. So that the exposition in the scene can be used in a sort of negotiation of sorts by Robert to allow Trent to let him see it. AND if you want to get another surprise, we could see that Trent has found something (the crystal) at the opening and at first he pretends to Robert that he hasn’t. We could know about that (intrigue) or we could find out when Robert does (twist).
I love the reveal/betrayal at the end that Robert is an alien. I think I actually preferred your version #1 ending. It’s more succinct. When we get to that last scene I think we’re ready to watch stuff unfold rather and not get more exposition. In general, I think if you can make the whole thing leaner, the interest techniques will land with more impact.
Let me know if any clarification is needed on any of these thoughts.
Great job!
Joe
-
Hey Pat! What a fun take on that scene!
Since our class size is so small, I asked customer service if we could see other scenes written by others to get ideas… but never received a reply…
Anyway, would you wanna swap scenes and give feedback? I’m stuck on the rewrite, but seems probably best to just keep moving forward.
Happy New Year and all that!
-Joe
-
INT. BANQUET HALL – NIGHT
Peeking underneath a dinner table we find: enormous clown-sized shoes… furry green legs… chicken feet… legs covered with heavy metal armor…
Seated around the table are MASCOTS for different sports teams: THE JOKER, THE MONSTER, THE BIRD, THE KNIGHT.
This is none other than the Mascot Association’s Annual Award Ceremony.
ON THE STAGE
Our master of ceremonies is the president of the Mascot Association TRENT CONWAY (50s). He wears an expensive tux, his hair meticulously parted.
TRENT
And finally the Best Dance Award goes to… The Bird!
The Bird struts over to Trent to receive his trophy. He does his famous bird dance. The crowd of mascots joins in and applauds.
TRENT
I taught him that. It’s true! Haha! And that concludes our ceremony. Remember to pay your dues!
SOON AFTER
Trent does the rounds…
He congratulates the fuzzy green-haired beast known as THE MONSTER. He whispers something into The Monster’s enormous ear.
He visits with The Joker and The Bird. Whispers something into each of their ears.
A SERVER accidentally bumps into Trent and drops a deviled egg on his jacket. Trent aggressively shoves him away. Trent spots —
ROBERT LENNY (20s)
In his knight costume, at the refreshment table, drinking punch through his open visor.
TRENT
Robert! What’d you think of the ceremony? It was great, right? Tell me it was great.
ROBERT
It was great.
As Trent uses a piece of ice and napkin to mop up the deviled egg on his jacket.
TRENT
(leans in conspiratorially)
So what’s the hot goss?
ROBERT
What’s that?
TRENT
The hot goss. The rumor mill. The dirty dirt. I know you’ve got your ear to the ground.
Robert laughs along.
ROBERT
Yes, true, I do love the hot goss as you call it. Let’s see… Word on the street is that The Bird is on meth.
The watch The Bird doing his bird dance.
TRENT
I’d believe that. What about The Joker?
ROBERT
(whispers)
A love affair. With The Bird.
They watch The Joker flirting with The Bird.
TRENT
Juicy! Heard anything about me?
ROBERT
Pardon?
Trent can’t help but re-arrange the hors d’oeuvres.
TRENT
Any rumors about me?
ROBERT
You? No. Never.
TRENT
Maybe one about how I’m not as rich as I make myself out to be and that I’ve been using the Mascot Association’s dues as my own personal slush fund?
ROBERT
I, uh, I hadn’t heard that one…
TRENT
No idea who coulda started that, eh?
Robert nervously takes a drink.
TRENT
No matter.
Trent notices Robert is looking over at The Monster showing off his Mascot of the Year plaque.
TRENT
Next year that could be you.
ROBERT
You really think so?
TRENT
Any dues-paying member has a chance. And you have a lot of talent.
ROBERT
I don’t know…
TRENT
Have I ever showed you the Mascot Hall of Fame?
Robert shakes his head.
TRENT
Come with me. Greatness awaits you.
Trent opens the door to a back room.
INT. “HALL OF FAME” ROOM – NIGHT
Trent leads Robert to a wall where portraits of the best of the best all-time mascots hang: MR. FOOTBALL… THE PIRATE DENTIST… THE COSMIC CRITTER…
TRENT
Soak them in. All the greats… Maybe one day The Knight will be amongst them.
Robert hears the door behind him close. He turns to find —
All the targets of Robert’s gossip: The Bird, The Monster, and The Joker. And they look pissed.
TRENT
Then again, maybe not…
Robert lowers the visor on his helmet and braces himself as the ass kicking begins.
-
Joe Swanson Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…
It’s great to have a checklist of interest techniques that can spawn different approaches to scenes. For me, some of these interest techniques are bleeding into each other, but I assume they’ll become more clear with practice.
Essence: After seeing the impossible at her high school graduation, Misha questions whether her assumptions about her father are true.
Interest Techniques: Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Uncertainty, Intrigue
Rewritten Scene:
EXT. UCLA CAMPUS – SOON AFTER
Post-ceremony. A mess of a crowd. Family members trying to find their graduate…
Misha pushes her way through, searching for Dr. Jenson. She catches sight of him…
MISHA
Dr. Jenson!
He turns.
JENSON
Misha. Nice speech. Peanut M&M?
He offers her the bag.
MISHA
No thank you.
She isn’t sure how to say this without sounding crazy…
MISHA
I thought I saw you with my dad… But of course now that I say it out loud, I realize that’s–
JENSON
Impossible…
MISHA
Yeah. Wait, what are you doing here?
KIM (O.S.)
There you are!
Kim has finally tracked down her daughter. She hugs Misha. Jenson takes this opportunity to slip away.
KIM
I’m so proud of you. I wish your father could have seen this…
ORSON
He did.
Orson joins them.
ORSON
I was just talking to him outside the bathroom.
(to Kim)
He says hi by the way.
KIM
Oh okay…
Kim figures that’s just Orson being Orson. But he has Misha’s attention.
MISHA
Where is he now?
Orson shrugs.
ORSON
We were walking back over here and he disappeared.
Misha can’t help but smile.
She’s finally realizing that when it comes to her dad maybe the impossible isn’t so impossible after all.
MISHA
Dr. Jenson!
She runs off after him in search of answers.
-
Joe Swanson Profiles People
This was actually a pretty helpful exercise. Thinking about Characters through the prism of defining extreme traits is a good way to breath life into otherwise forgettable characters and make them more way more interesting.
PERSON 1
Need to be liked
Compulsive liar
Generous
Animal-lover
PERSON 2
Delusional
Self-important
Health-conscious
Well-meaning
PERSON 3
Elitist
Lacking social skills
Highly Intelligent
Resolute
In less than 2 minutes the main 2 traits are apparent if you’re looking for them…
-
Joe Swanson Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is: It’s not that the scene is always completely off base, but finding the essence can help show what the scene is missing to make it more impactful. Basically take it up a notch.
Script I chose: The Impossible Story of Oliver M
Scene 1 Location: Act 1
Logline: Oliver gets lost in parking garage, can’t find his car.
Essence I’ve discovered: A relatable memory lapse serves as a first small hint that all is not okay.
New Logline: A more insistent Oliver argues with a parking attendant over his missing car only to have his wife confirm that the car was never there.
Scene 2 Location: Act 1
Logline: Oliver runs into a colleague who has the career Oliver has failed to achieve.
Essence I’ve discovered: Oliver feels inadequate and questions his legacy.
New Logline: Oliver must present an award to an overachieving colleague at a party being held in the colleague’s honor.
Scene 3 Location: Act 2
Logline: After Oliver shares his positive diagnosis news, Jenson reveals that he’s not safe and might be followed by Russian spies.
Essence I’ve discovered: A new threat emerges that instigates Oliver’s paranoia.
New Logline: Jenson insists on giving Oliver a gun while at the same time trying to downplay the threat to Oliver’s safety, which makes him question his safety even more.
Scene 3 Location: Act 2
Logline: Jenson’s assistant tells Oliver that Jenson is using him, not actually treating him.
Essence I’ve discovered: Oliver has been avoiding reality. Deep down he knew all along he wasn’t getting better.
New Logline: After Jenson’s assistant tells Oliver that Jenson is using him, Oliver’s symptoms immediately return.
Scene 5 Location: Act 3
Logline: When they get home from the hospital Oliver’s wife can’t keep it together – she breaks down in front of her children. They comfort her.
Essence I’ve discovered: Oliver’s wife finally has to accept reality and in doing so realizes that she and the kids still have each other and will be okay.
New Logline: Oliver’s wife loses it when she discovers an opossum has eaten the family’s pineapple. Her children salvage the remaining bits.
-
My selection for most profound essence:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Will sits in a chair beside the bed, working through the crossword puzzle. A KNOCK as Dr. Bennett enters with his overcoat and bag, ready to leave for the night.
DR. BENNETT
Glad to see you’re not trying to have a heartfelt talk. It’s one of my greatest annoyances, when people talk to those who can’t hear them.WILL
My father and I have an advantage. We never talk.
Dr. Bennett smiles as he checks Edward’s chart.WILL (cont’d)
How long have you known my father?DR. BENNETT
Thirty years. Maybe more.
WILL
How would you describe him?DR. BENNETT
(re: chart)
Five-eleven. One-eighty. Regulated hypertension.
(beat)
How would his son describe him?Tables turned, Will searches for an answer. He doesn’t have one.
Dr. Bennett hangs the chart back on the bed.
DR. BENNETT (cont’d)
Did your father ever tell you about the day you were born?WILL
A thousand times. He caught an uncatchable fish.DR. BENNETT
Not that one. The real story. Did he ever tell you that?WILL
(suddenly interested)No.
DR. BENNETT
Your mother came in about three in the afternoon. Her neighbor drove her, on account of your father was on business in Wichita. You were born a week early, but there were no complications. It was a perfect delivery. Now, your father was sorry to miss it, but it wasn’t the custom for the men to be in the room for deliveries then, so I can’t see as it would have been much different had he been there. And that’s the real story of how you were born.A long silence, just the sounds of the hospital, doctors being paged.
DR. BENNETT (cont’d)
Not very exciting, is it? And I suppose if I had to choose between the true version and an elaborate one involving a fish and a wedding ring, I might choose the fancy version. But that’s just me.
Will half-smiles.
Patting Will’s shoulder, Dr. Bennett leaves. We STAY ON Will and his father for a long time, then Will takes his pen and starts making a list.
Essence: Will is given another way to consider his father’s flights of fancy – perhaps a strict adherence to reality isn’t as important as Will believes.
It’s a key scene as it provides a turning point for Will. It sets the stage for Will’s necessary transformation so that he can participate in his father’s final fantastical tale: his death.
-
Joe Swanson Finds the Essence
What I learned is that it’s helpful to understand what each scene is trying to accomplish to evaluate if it’s truly having it’s maximum impact.
Script I chose: BIG FISH
Scene 1
Location: Act One
Logline: Will’s father tells a sprawling story at Will’s wedding about how he used his ring to catch a mythical fish on the day of Will’s birth.
Essence: Will’s father’s propensity for tall tales drives a wedge between him and Will who favors reality to fantasy. Will believes his father prefers his make believe adventures to his real family.
Scene 2
Location: Act One
Logline: En route to Will’s home to see his father, Josephine rubs excess hand lotion on Will’s hands.
Essence: Though Will despises his father, he has followed his example and found an enduring love evident even in the smallest of gestures.
Scene 3
Location: Act One
Logline: Will’s Father tells a story about how as a child he and his friends visited a witch and discovered how they’d die.
Essence: Will’s father is an entertaining storyteller, but above that he knows how he’ll die and this teases our expectations for the finale.
Scene 4
Location: Act Two
Logline: Cleaning out his father’s belongings, Will finds an intriguing file that indicates his father owns some land that his mother knows nothing about.
Essence: Will suspects that his father is a liar and perhaps a philanderer putting Will on a path of discovery about his father’s true nature.
Scene 5
Location: Act Three
Logline: At his father’s prompting, Will tells him how he dies.
Essence: Will must finally tell his own tall tale, engaging in an exciting story that’s a fitting ending to his father’s life of tall tales.
-
Joe Swanson
I agree to the terms of this release form.
-
Joe Swanson
A dozen or so…
Hoping to DOUBLE the quality of my writing, of course!
I was a childhood chess champion (without cheating).
-
I hear you. Feel the same. Let’s go ahead and swap these Robert/Trent scenes so we can keep moving forward if we so desire… I will also email you so you have my contact.