John Budinscak
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Budinscak Outline Version 1
Time To Exchange Feedback
Day 16
Title: THE TRANSFORMATION OF FOREST RANGER VICKI
Logline: A rookie forest ranger stumbles upon a covert government operation to conceal a UFO.
OUTLINE:
ACT 1
Note: Opening Scene
1. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
A bruised young woman (Vicki) staggers down a dark tunnel. She eventually passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Horror Situation: The young woman is running from an unknown pursuer.
APPREHENSION: She is running from something and she is scared.
SHOCK: She hears the whirring sound of blades. A light illuminates her path. She picks up her pace.
FEAR: She’s running faster than she should to safely navigate in the dark.
DREAD: She drops at the feet of something robotic.
SUPER: “6 Hours Earlier”
2. EXT – LARGE FIELD – DAY
A Forest Ranger, VICKI, goes about her job. She’s unsure, a bit clumsy and looks completely out of place. She follows an eagle in obvious distress and happens upon poachers. They shoot at Vicki before fleeing. She ‘bags’ an article of clothing left behind.
3. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki answers a call for help from a local farmer who’s had a few cows slaughtered.
4. EXT – FARM – DAY
Vicki listens to the farmer’s version of events. A farmhand removes a tarp covering what used to be a cow. Vicki’s stunned. Curtis blames a nearby closed government facility as the source of the problem. A 3-truck military convoy heads to the facility.
Horror Situation: What killed the cows?
ANXIETY: Ian prepares to pull back the tarp, Vicki and Curtis lean forward.
RELEASE: The trucks in the military convoy honk their horns surprising Vicki, the farmer and his helper.
SURPRISE: There’s barely anything left of the cows. Vile remains.
RELEASE: Vicki barely contains herself to keep from vomiting.
SUSPENSE: The farmer describes strange happenings the past few days.
5. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis (farmer) and Ian (farmhand – new hire) stop their conversation to watch a helicopter buzz overhead in the direction of the closed government facility – Candy Cane Mountain.
6. INT – HELICOPTER – DAY
The COMMANDER, the bad guy, converses with his 4 man handpicked team. They turn silent watching either a UFO or special drone mirror their flight path before flying straight up and out of sight.
NOTE: Inciting Incident.
Horror Situation: What was that flying next to us?
SURPRISE: The helicopter pilot is surprised, the Commander and his men are not.
FEAR: The copter pilot worries about UFOs.
RELEASE: The Commander convinces the pilot he needs to be worried about his passengers inside the helicopter than what’s going on outside.
7. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis and Ian just look at one another. They’re not sure what they saw, but the believe it was a UFO. After Vicki leaves the farm, Curtis and Ian take off after the military convoy.
8. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki tries to call the ranger station, but has cell phone issues. She senses something following her, but can’t identify it.
9. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The drone buzzes a herd of deer spooking them – they rush into the road. The jeep swerves to miss the deer, but crashes in a ditch. Vicki is uninjured, but the jeep isn’t going anywhere. Vicki watches the drone fly to the government facility – she follows on foot.
10. EXT – MOUNTAIN CARGO AREA – DAY
SOLDIERS offload equipment for their mission. Everyone heads inside except for the two soldiers who ready for departure.
11. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The farmer’s truck pulls off the road near the cargo area and hides behind bushes.
12. INT – CURTIS TRUCK – DAY
Curtis leaves a message for Vicki that he and Ian followed the convoy and they’re heading inside. Curtis and Ian will split up. Ian circles around to the back, Curtis will go in the front. Curtis hides in bushes to evaluate his options.
13. EXT – ROAD – DAY
Vicki’s cell finally has service. She plays Curtis’ message and vocalizes her disapproval. She picks up her pace. She’s close to the closed facility known as Candy Cane Mountain.
14. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
The two soldiers left behind are spooked when they spot a translucent figure evolve into a menacing shape full of fangs and claws. The men are ripped apart.
Curtis turns to escape, but is overcome by a mist. Curtis shift shapes into a larger, muscular, hairier version of his former self. He decides to head inside to hunt.
Horror Situation: See what the monster looks like.
APPREHENSION: The monster isn’t a definitive form, but is able to shift shape itself.
SURPRISE: The monster made itself into a gas to infiltrate/inhabit Curtis.
SUSPENSE: Alien occupied Curtis stalks the occupants inside.
15. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The Commander meets with the onsite personnel about ‘mission weather balloon.’ SOM (Site Ops Manager) confides to him of an alien presence. He brings the Commander to a makeshift prison.
16. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – DAY
The SOM has prisoners – animal and human – sequestered in glass ‘prisons’. He shares his thoughts with the Commander, and shows a picture of a man dismembered by ‘something’ in here. Their conversation ends when sensors (infrared, motion detection, video) alert them to a visitor.
17. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
AOC (Alien Occupied Curtis) fools all detection equipment except one camera. A mist occupies Curtis’ clothes as it hovers down the tunnel. The SOM sends a robotic animal to intercept the being. They watch on video screens.
18. INT – TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS
The robot approaches Curtis coming to a complete stop as the Curtis-thing dissipates.
19. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
Vicki draws her gun and stealthily enters the mountain through the cargo area.
20. INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
Plot Point 1.
ACT 2
21. INT – MEDIA ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Vicki’s image shows up on multiple sensors. The Commander unveils newly minted special weapons arming Bravo and Delta. They’re sent to find out what’s happening.
21. INT – TUNNEL – DAY
Bravo is savagely killed by the inhabited Curtis. Delta gets off a shot slaying the farmer, but when Curtis drops, the mist invades Delta. It’s a horrible death.
Horror Situation: The monster slays two soldiers.
APPREHENSION: The soldiers know something is out there, but feel confident their special weapons will work.
SHOCK: Bravo and Delta exhaust their new weapons – the weapons are useless.
FEAR: The monster adapts – the special shells pass through the mist.
DREAD: The mist has a physical impact easily dismembering Bravo.
PANIC: The monster/mist invades Delta through his nose, mouth and ears. It searches for what scares Delta most – spiders
TERROR: The mist replicates a large spider, capturing Delta in its web, totally encasing him. Monster uses psychological as well as physical torture.
22. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The power shuts off. Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction, motion detectors stop. No cell service, internet is down. The lights go out. The Commander sends Echo to search for the intruder (Vicki). He’s accompanied by FIDO, another robotic animal.
23. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki is tracked by Echo and the robotic animal. As they close in, Vicki hides behind an outcropping. Just before Echo shows up, a hand covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her through a crack to safety.
Horror Situation: As Vicki hides from Echo/robotic animal, a hand covers her mouth and drags her way.
ANXIETY: The unnatural sound of metal clinking along on rock, and it grows louder.
FEAR: The pace of metal on rock picks up, it’s moving faster.
SUSPENSE: Vicki recedes further behind the outcropping for safety.
PANIC: A hand comes from behind, covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her away.
RELEASE: The hand belongs to Ian, he saves her.
24. INT – CREVICE – CONTINUOUS
Vicki cannot believe Ian rescued her. He updates her on Curtis – his death – and how he saw the monster – it’s real big. They bond over similar likes and interests – animals.
25. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki gets separated from Ian. She’s pursued by a drone. Vicki rushes down the tunnel, falls and passes out at the foot of the robotic animal.
NOTE: Opening scene
26. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki is dragged to the prison and tossed into a cell by herself. She notes the other cells contain people as well as animals – and meets all the prisoners. She is tortured by SOM (Site Operations Manager) for her efforts.
27. INT – MAKESHIFT CELL – NIGHT
Ian helps Vicki escape from her cell. Vicki releases all the prisoners – human and animal – and they all flee down various tunnels.
28. INT – PRISION OFFICE – NIGHT
The SOM releases his high-tech toys to hunt down the escaped prisoners. The SOM is willing to kill everything and anything until the alien is exposed. The SOM begins his killing spree.
29. INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
Social Media Influencers, Biff and Babs, can’t resist taking selfies and trying to live stream their escape. They don’t escape, but do live stream their demise.
Horror situation: The couple evade a drone to be slain by the monster.
SURPRISE: As Babs checks for cell service, they hear a noticeable whirring sound behind them – it’s a drone.
FEAR: The drone will detect them.
SUSPENSE: A whooshing sound approaches, engulfs then leaves. The drone follows it. Biff and Babs emerge from their hiding place and get ready to take a selfie.
RELEASE: The whooshing sound approaches and is on them in a flash.
SCARE: The whooshing sound is caused by bats.
RELEASE: They’re safe.
PANIC: After calming down, Babs finds she’s able to live stream from her phone. She and Biff get ready to take their selfie – in the background, the monster smiles for the camera.
Act 3
30. INT – TUNNELS – NIGHT
The prisoners race to freedom trying to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robotic animals. Vicki is recaptured and dragged back to the makeshift prison.
31. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander and his men prepare the ‘weather balloon’ for transport. The monster lurks – it kills soldiers only, no prisoners or animals are harmed.
32. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The SOM is full tilt crazy as he draws his gun and prepares to shoot animals/people in hopes of eliminating the monster. Ian is handcuffed to a chair. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small, injured cat. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Vicki is shot dead.
SURPRISE: Vicki instinctively scoops up the injured cat protecting it.
SHOCK: Ian pleads with the SOM to not shoot Vicki
FEAR: Ian believes Vicki will be shot. He cannot free himself.
DREAD: The SOM fires and hits Vicki. She dies.
SURPRISE: Ian reveals himself to be an alien – he frees himself easily from the handcuffs.
33. INT – PRISON – CONTINUOUS
Ian becomes a mist infiltrating Vicki’s body – he shares himself with her. The result – Vicki is revived, but with a twist – she can separate her animal spirit from her body/flesh. She appears different – stronger, sleeker, confident – a predator, no longer prey. Her animal spirit seeks revenge.
Horror Situation: Vicki is revived and she retains what the alien intentionally left behind.
SHOCK: Vicki comes back alive
FEAR: There is an evident link to the alien monster when Vicki controls her spirit.
DREAD: The Drone Pilot and SOM seek safety from Vicki’s spirit in a duct-taped office.
TERROR: Vicki transports her spirit inside the office. The Drone Pilot and SOM die horrible deaths.
34. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander readies to leave with the ‘weather balloon’ in tow. He’s confronted by Ian and Vicki. Ian convinces Vicki to let the Commander live – he’s food for the trip back home. In a FLASH, everything disappears – weather balloon, aliens, etc – as if they never existed.
35. INT – SPACESHIP – NIGHT
Ian and the other aliens prepare their meal, the Commander.
36. EXT – CARGO AREA – NIGHT
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, demeanor, everything including her attitude.
37. INT – JEEP – NIGHT
Vicki finds her backpack and removes the zip-lock baggy containing a poacher’s garment. She breathes in deeply and releases her animal spirit for vengeance.
38. EXT – CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Vicki’s spirit comes across two poachers. She frees all captured animals and tortures the poachers. They’ll never do it again.
39. INT – BAR – NIGHT
Vicki’s interviewed about what happened the night she was abducted. She shows the interviewer just enough that they’re worried. Vicki’s eyes glow in the dark – and then she’s gone.
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Budinscak Horror Outline Version 1
Finishing Horror Outline Powerfully
Day 15
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o Now is the time to make changes to your story.
o Great time to amp up the horror scenes.
o This outline should be the template for a solid first draft.
o I do have a few plot holes in the story I need to address in the outline.
OUTLINE:
ACT 1
Note: Opening Scene
1. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
A bruised young woman (Vicki) staggers down a dark tunnel. She eventually passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Horror Situation: The young woman is running from an unknown pursuer.
APPREHENSION: She is running from something and she is scared.
SHOCK: She hears the whirring sound of blades. A light illuminates her path. She picks up her pace.
FEAR: She’s running faster than she should to safely navigate in the dark.
DREAD: She drops at the feet of something robotic.
SUPER: “6 Hours Earlier”
2. EXT – LARGE FIELD – DAY
A Forest Ranger, VICKI, goes about her job. She’s unsure, a bit clumsy and looks completely out of place. She follows an eagle in obvious distress and happens upon poachers. They shoot at Vicki before fleeing. She ‘bags’ an article of clothing left behind.
3. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki answers a call for help from a local farmer who’s had a few cows slaughtered.
4. EXT – FARM – DAY
Vicki listens to the farmer’s version of events. A farmhand removes a tarp covering what used to be a cow. Vicki’s stunned. Curtis blames a nearby closed government facility as the source of the problem. A 3-truck military convoy heads to the facility.
Horror Situation: What killed the cows?
ANXIETY: Ian prepares to pull back the tarp, Vicki and Curtis lean forward.
RELEASE: The trucks in the military convoy honk their horns surprising Vicki, the farmer and his helper.
SURPRISE: There’s barely anything left of the cows. Vile remains.
RELEASE: Vicki barely contains herself to keep from vomiting.
SUSPENSE: The farmer describes strange happenings the past few days.
5. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis (farmer) and Ian (farmhand – new hire) stop their conversation to watch a helicopter buzz overhead in the direction of the closed government facility – Candy Cane Mountain.
6. INT – HELICOPTER – DAY
The COMMANDER, the bad guy, converses with his 4 man handpicked team. They turn silent watching either a UFO or special drone mirror their flight path before flying straight up and out of sight.
NOTE: Inciting Incident.
Horror Situation: What was that flying next to us?
SURPRISE: The helicopter pilot is surprised, the Commander and his men are not.
FEAR: The copter pilot worries about UFOs.
RELEASE: The Commander convinces the pilot he needs to be worried about his passengers inside the helicopter than what’s going on outside.
7. EXT – FARM FIELD – DAY
Vicki, Curtis and Ian just look at one another. They’re not sure what they saw, but the believe it was a UFO. After Vicki leaves the farm, Curtis and Ian take off after the military convoy.
8. INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki tries to call the ranger station, but has cell phone issues. She senses something following her, but can’t identify it.
9. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The drone buzzes a herd of deer spooking them – they rush into the road. The jeep swerves to miss the deer, but crashes in a ditch. Vicki is uninjured, but the jeep isn’t going anywhere. Vicki watches the drone fly to the government facility – she follows on foot.
10. EXT – MOUNTAIN CARGO AREA – DAY
SOLDIERS offload equipment for their mission. Everyone heads inside except for the two soldiers who ready for departure.
11. EXT – ROAD – DAY
The farmer’s truck pulls off the road near the cargo area and hides behind bushes.
12. INT – CURTIS TRUCK – DAY
Curtis leaves a message for Vicki that he and Ian followed the convoy and they’re heading inside. Curtis and Ian will split up. Ian circles around to the back, Curtis will go in the front. Curtis hides in bushes to evaluate his options.
13. EXT – ROAD – DAY
Vicki’s cell finally has service. She plays Curtis’ message and vocalizes her disapproval. She picks up her pace. She’s close to the closed facility known as Candy Cane Mountain.
14. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
The two soldiers left behind are spooked when they spot a translucent figure evolve into a menacing shape full of fangs and claws. The men are ripped apart.
Curtis turns to escape, but is overcome by a mist. Curtis shift shapes into a larger, muscular, hairier version of his former self. He decides to head inside to hunt.
Horror Situation: See what the monster looks like.
APPREHENSION: The monster isn’t a definitive form, but is able to shift shape itself.
SURPRISE: The monster made itself into a gas to infiltrate/inhabit Curtis.
SUSPENSE: Alien occupied Curtis stalks the occupants inside.
15. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The Commander meets with the onsite personnel about ‘mission weather balloon.’ SOM (Site Ops Manager) confides to him of an alien presence. He brings the Commander to a makeshift prison.
16. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – DAY
The SOM has prisoners – animal and human – sequestered in glass ‘prisons’. He shares his thoughts with the Commander, and shows a picture of a man dismembered by ‘something’ in here. Their conversation ends when sensors (infrared, motion detection, video) alert them to a visitor.
17. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
AOC (Alien Occupied Curtis) fools all detection equipment except one camera. A mist occupies Curtis’ clothes as it hovers down the tunnel. The SOM sends a robotic animal to intercept the being. They watch on video screens.
18. INT – TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS
The robot approaches Curtis coming to a complete stop as the Curtis-thing dissipates.
19. EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
Vicki draws her gun and stealthily enters the mountain through the cargo area.
20. INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
Plot Point 1.
ACT 2
21. INT – MEDIA ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Vicki’s image shows up on multiple sensors. The Commander unveils newly minted special weapons arming Bravo and Delta. They’re sent to find out what’s happening.
21. INT – TUNNEL – DAY
Bravo is savagely killed by the inhabited Curtis. Delta gets off a shot slaying the farmer, but when Curtis drops, the mist invades Delta. It’s a horrible death.
Horror Situation: The monster slays two soldiers.
APPREHENSION: The soldiers know something is out there, but feel confident their special weapons will work.
SHOCK: Bravo and Delta exhaust their new weapons – the weapons are useless.
FEAR: The monster adapts – the special shells pass through the mist.
DREAD: The mist has a physical impact easily dismembering Bravo.
PANIC: The monster/mist invades Delta through his nose, mouth and ears. It searches for what scares Delta most – spiders
TERROR: The mist replicates a large spider, capturing Delta in its web, totally encasing him. Monster uses psychological as well as physical torture.
22. INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The power shuts off. Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction, motion detectors stop. No cell service, internet is down. The lights go out. The Commander sends Echo to search for the intruder (Vicki). He’s accompanied by FIDO, another robotic animal.
23. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki is tracked by Echo and the robotic animal. As they close in, Vicki hides behind an outcropping. Just before Echo shows up, a hand covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her through a crack to safety.
Horror Situation: As Vicki hides from Echo/robotic animal, a hand covers her mouth and drags her way.
ANXIETY: The unnatural sound of metal clinking along on rock, and it grows louder.
FEAR: The pace of metal on rock picks up, it’s moving faster.
SUSPENSE: Vicki recedes further behind the outcropping for safety.
PANIC: A hand comes from behind, covers Vicki’s mouth dragging her away.
RELEASE: The hand belongs to Ian, he saves her.
24. INT – CREVICE – CONTINUOUS
Vicki cannot believe Ian rescued her. He updates her on Curtis – his death – and how he saw the monster – it’s real big. They bond over similar likes and interests – animals.
25. INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki gets separated from Ian. She’s pursued by a drone. Vicki rushes down the tunnel, falls and passes out at the foot of the robotic animal.
NOTE: Opening scene
26. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki is dragged to the prison and tossed into a cell by herself. She notes the other cells contain people as well as animals – and meets all the prisoners. She is tortured by SOM (Site Operations Manager) for her efforts.
27. INT – MAKESHIFT CELL – NIGHT
Ian helps Vicki escape from her cell. Vicki releases all the prisoners – human and animal – and they all flee down various tunnels.
28. INT – PRISION OFFICE – NIGHT
The SOM releases his high-tech toys to hunt down the escaped prisoners. The SOM is willing to kill everything and anything until the alien is exposed. The SOM begins his killing spree.
29. INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
Social Media Influencers, Biff and Babs, can’t resist taking selfies and trying to live stream their escape. They don’t escape, but do live stream their demise.
Horror situation: The couple evade a drone to be slain by the monster.
SURPRISE: As Babs checks for cell service, they hear a noticeable whirring sound behind them – it’s a drone.
FEAR: The drone will detect them.
SUSPENSE: A whooshing sound approaches, engulfs then leaves. The drone follows it. Biff and Babs emerge from their hiding place and get ready to take a selfie.
RELEASE: The whooshing sound approaches and is on them in a flash.
SCARE: The whooshing sound is caused by bats.
RELEASE: They’re safe.
PANIC: After calming down, Babs finds she’s able to live stream from her phone. She and Biff get ready to take their selfie – in the background, the monster smiles for the camera.
Act 3
30. INT – TUNNELS – NIGHT
The prisoners race to freedom trying to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robotic animals. Vicki is recaptured and dragged back to the makeshift prison.
31. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander and his men prepare the ‘weather balloon’ for transport. The monster lurks – it kills soldiers only, no prisoners or animals are harmed.
32. INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The SOM is full tilt crazy as he draws his gun and prepares to shoot animals/people in hopes of eliminating the monster. Ian is handcuffed to a chair. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small, injured cat. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Vicki is shot dead.
SURPRISE: Vicki instinctively scoops up the injured cat protecting it.
SHOCK: Ian pleads with the SOM to not shoot Vicki
FEAR: Ian believes Vicki will be shot. He cannot free himself.
DREAD: The SOM fires and hits Vicki. She dies.
SURPRISE: Ian reveals himself to be an alien – he frees himself easily from the handcuffs.
33. INT – PRISON – CONTINUOUS
Ian becomes a mist infiltrating Vicki’s body – he shares himself with her. The result – Vicki is revived, but with a twist – she can separate her animal spirit from her body/flesh. She appears different – stronger, sleeker, confident – a predator, no longer prey. Her animal spirit seeks revenge.
Horror Situation: Vicki is revived and she retains what the alien intentionally left behind.
SHOCK: Vicki comes back alive
FEAR: There is an evident link to the alien monster when Vicki controls her spirit.
DREAD: The Drone Pilot and SOM seek safety from Vicki’s spirit in a duct-taped office.
TERROR: Vicki transports her spirit inside the office. The Drone Pilot and SOM die horrible deaths.
34. INT – MEDIA ROOM – NIGHT
The Commander readies to leave with the ‘weather balloon’ in tow. He’s confronted by Ian and Vicki. Ian convinces Vicki to let the Commander live – he’s food for the trip back home. In a FLASH, everything disappears – weather balloon, aliens, etc – as if they never existed.
35. INT – SPACESHIP – NIGHT
Ian and the other aliens prepare their meal, the Commander.
36. EXT – CARGO AREA – NIGHT
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, demeanor, everything including her attitude.
37. INT – JEEP – NIGHT
Vicki finds her backpack and removes the zip-lock baggy containing a poacher’s garment. She breathes in deeply and releases her animal spirit for vengeance.
38. EXT – CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Vicki’s spirit comes across two poachers. She frees all captured animals and tortures the poachers. They’ll never do it again.
39. INT – BAR – NIGHT
Vicki’s interviewed about what happened the night she was abducted. She shows the interviewer just enough that they’re worried. Vicki’s eyes glow in the dark – and then she’s gone.
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Budinscak Scary As Hell Scene
Scary As Hell Scenes
Day 14
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o The proper sequence of emotions to maximize a horror scene.
o Proper use of releases and scares can give the audience an emotional rollercoaster ride.
o This will help develop our outlines.
1. Horror Situation:
After being freed by Vicki, the Social Media Influencers, Biff and Babs, can’t resist attempting to live stream their escape.
2. Sequence the Emotions:
Anxiety: After being freed from prison, Biff and Babs escape down a tunnel and arrive at a split where two different paths exist.
Scare: Biff walks into a large cobweb and reacts crazily, yet quietly. Babs records it.
Surprise: Babs checks for cell service when they hear a noticeable whirring sound behind them – it’s a drone.
Fear: The hide in a wall crevice as a drone hovers near them.
Suspense: A whooshing sound engulfs them and leaves. The drone follows it. Biff and Babs emerge from their hiding place and get ready to take a selfie.
Scare: The whooshing sound approaches and is on them in a flash.
Release: The whooshing sound is caused by bats.
Panic: After calming down, Babs finds she’s able to live stream from her phone. She and Biff get ready to take their selfie – in the background, the monster smiles for the camera.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Biff leads Babs down the faintly lit tunnel until he comes to a complete stop – and she crashes into him. The tunnel splits into two different paths.
BABS: Ouch. Why’d you stop?
BIFF: Which way to go?
Biff turns to find Babs fumbling with her phone. He’s nonplussed and a bit whiny.
BIFF: Really, Babs.
BABS: I’m just trying to see if maybe we can live stream our escape from here.
BIFF: Babs, that’s a really… great idea! Catch my good side.
Biff turns right into a large cobweb and goes instantly crazy wiping his face and neck clean. Babs smirks recording the entire scene.
BABS: That’s five stars.
Biff stops completely, he’s the only one who hears the whirring sound approaching. He signals for Babs to stop immediately. Her eyes widen when she spots the drone’s lights.
Biff stuffs her phone in his pants pocket, pulls her into a shallow crevice shielding her body with his. He holds her tight as the drone hovers nearby.
A whooshing sound engulfs them and leaves. The drone pursues the sound. The social media influencers emerge from hiding.
BABS: What the hell was that?
BIFF: Not sure, but at least it took the drone. Ready for my shot?
Babs chuckles to herself watching Biff and the cobweb video.
BIFF: You better delete that – now.
Babs still giggles.
BIFF: Do you have service? Can we stream?
BABS: Yes, we can.
They’re ready to take their selfie when Biff steps away.
BIFF: Do you hear that?
There’s no mistaking the whooshing sound. Biff and Babs struggle to see what’s coming at them. In an instant, hundreds of bats envelop Biff and Babs. Just as quickly, the bats are gone.
BABS: What the fuck was that?
BIFF: Bats. Let’s take this pic and get moving. We can stream, right?
Babs nods. She stretches her arm as far as possible to get the best picture. Biff and Babs both spot the monster standing right behind them.
The monster smiles for the camera before slashing the social media couple. Their demise is caught live on their video stream – it registers 5 stars.
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Budinscak Scares, Releases and Creepy Moments
Scares, Releases and Creepy Moments
Day 13
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o The value of a well placed release drawing the audience in and emphasizing the next horror moment.
o The versatility of any and every scene in a horror movie.
o A great way to interject humor to intensify the next horror.
o Many of these elements are already in the story.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
The uneven floor slows Vicki’s progress in the dark tunnel. She stops when she hears it, the unnatural sound of metal on rock. And its cadence increases. Lights behind her illuminate the path.
She ducks around the corner and freezes. The sound stops. Vicki tries to sneak a quick look when a hand covers her mouth dragging her backwards. It’s Ian.
VICKI: Jesus Ian, you scared the shit out of me.
IAN: I saw it, Vicki, it’s scary as fuck. It’s huge with large claws and big fangs. Big, big, fucking big..
VICKI: Where?
IAN: By the prison. It sliced right through soldiers like a fat kid eating ice cream with steak knives.
VICKI: How’d you get away?
IAN: I felt it inside me, it sensed I wasn’t a threat. It knew I wasn’t here to hurt it. Like when we met at the farm, I could feel your compassion for Curtis and…
VICKI: His cows.
IAN: Any animal, right?
Vicki nods her head.
IAN: I know. Here’s something I also know – the Drone Pilot is the monster.
VICKI: Ssshhhhh. Listen.
A faint whirring sound becomes louder. Lights brighten the tunnel, the metallic sound on rock grows closer.
Vicki and Ian slide deeper in the darkness when a metal head comes in view and turns their way. It approaches.
VICKI: What do we do?
Vicki turns around – Ian’s gone.
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Budinscak Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene
Level 3 Horror Emotions
Day 12
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o To ramp all the emotions into a frenzy in Act 3.
o How to engage and scare an audience.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
As they enter a glass-walled office, the Drone Pilot walks behind Vicki and Ian – he has them at gunpoint. Duct tape is prominent in the space covering all air ducts.
SOM: Handcuff him to a chair, not her. I’ll be right back.
Drone Pilot tosses handcuffs to Vicki.
DRONE PILOT: You know what to do.
Vicki handcuffs Ian to a chair. They watch the SOM enter an adjacent office approaching a man tied to a chair. They note the man’s violent struggle to free himself just before the SOM pulls out a gun shooting the man dead.
Vicki turns to the Drone Pilot, who smiles while shaking his head no. The SOM marches back in the room.
SOM: Someone or something doesn’t belong here, and I’m sorry to say it wasn’t him.
VICKI: Someone or something? Is that why you shot him.
SOM: I had to be sure.
VICKI: Sure about what? If he dies, he’s not an alien?
The SOM has a noticeable twitch when he smiles.
VICKI: Where’s the Commander?
SOM: He’s taking care of the weather balloon. I’m hunting aliens.
A cat limps tenderly on three paws towards Vicki. The SOM looks at the Drone Pilot motioning towards the cat.
DRONE PILOT: He ain’t mine.
SOM: He’s not? How long’s it been here?
DRONE PILOT: Just appeared a couple of days ago.
The SOM studies the cat while checking his gun. Vicki won’t have any of this, she scoops up the cat.
VICKI: Don’t be ridiculous.
SOM: There’s only one way for me to know for sure.
VICKI: By killing it. No. Not going to happen.
DRONE PILOT: Step back, lady.
IAN: Vicki, don’t do this.
SOM: Put the cat down.
Vicki turns towards Ian, protecting the cat with her body.
IAN: Vicki, put the cat on the floor. Everything will be alight.
Vicki steals a look at the SOM. His eyes tell her to drop the feline, her eyes say no. His lip unfurls into a sneer when he pulls the trigger – boom.
IAN: NO!
Vicki drops to the ground releasing the cat. The cat darts for cover under a desk. Vicki rolls to one side, blood pours out. Life quickly leaves her.
IAN: You wait…
The SOM turns to Ian, smacking him in the head with the butt of his gun. Ian’s unfazed. SOM waves goodbye pulling the trigger – boom. The bullet passes right through Ian. He becomes a mist freeing himself from the handcuffs.
Drone Pilot and SOM step back in shock. They race out the door, down the hall.
Ian’s mist invades Vicki’s body bringing it back to life, but with a twist. There now exists a part of the alien in Vicki’s body. She can separate her spirit from her flesh controlling both. Vicki is able to extract her animal spirit to administer vengeance.
INT – OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
The SOM and Drone Pilot hustle to seal off the door with duct tape, and they do. They confidently watch a scary apparition of Vicki approach the door and dissolve.
The men look in terror as Vicki herself approaches the door. She looks a little different, but they know it’s her. She peeks in the windows, smiles and waves. A mist enters through an air duct forming the large, vicious animal that will mete out Vicki’s brutal justice.
The Drone Pilot is torn in half dying instantly. The SOM empties his revolver, then grabs a fire extinguisher. Before he can dispense its contents, Vicki disembowels the SOM. He suffers greatly before he’s dead.
Vicki summons her spirit side. The mist enters the vent and appears on the other side of the door. It incorporates itself into Vicki. She heads back towards the makeshift prison.
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Budinscak Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene
Level 2 Horror Emotions
Day 11
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o The differences between Act 1 and Act 2 emotions.
o The differences between fear, suspense and dread.
o How to keep the audience on the edge of their seat through Act 2.
INT – MINE DATA CENTER – NIGHT
A large conference room lined with special optics equipment – night vision, infrared, motion sensors, video cameras – hosts a meeting between the Commander, his men and the onsite management team.
The SOM (Site Operations Manager) walks to a control and flips a switch. The shade concealing a large window opens to reveal people and animals held in glass-walled prisons.
POP – the power goes out, all systems shut down.
SOM: Don’t worry, the generators will kick on in fifteen seconds.
Backup lights brighten the dark room. Computers whirr and buzz as they come back online.
COMMANDER: What the hell are you doing?
SOM: Holding prisoners, sir. I told you earlier, someone or something in that room is an alien.
COMMANDER: Now I understand why I’m here.
ECHO: Commander, over here.
Echo points to the wall of optic equipment. None of the specialized equipment reflects any activity.
COMMANDER: What am I supposed to see? Doesn’t look like anything’s going on.
ECHO: That’s what I thought, but check out video camera #8.
A large, translucent figure looks in the camera before looking away. No other camera, sensor, motion device, nothing shows signs of anything.
They look back to camera #8, the mist-like figure glides down a hall.
COMMANDER: Echo, go see what the fuck that is. And take Fido with you.
Echo smirks as he hooks a leash to the robotic dog. He checks his weapon before heading out the door. The door is locked behind him.
Everyone flocks to the screen wall, sitting in silence as the seconds tick by. They’re surprised by a burst of gunfire, then quiet, another burst and a primal scream. The Commander yells into a special phone.
COMMANDER: Echo! Echo! Talk to me.
BRAVO: Commander, over here.
The lens to camera #8 has new flecks of blood scattered across it. On the floor in the background, only the bottom half of Echo’s body. The Commander turns to two of his soldiers.
COMMANDER: Bravo, Delta, load up. Tell me what’s going on out there.
The men nod while checking their equipment – the specialized weapons.
COMMANDER: And gentlemen, be careful.
The men grunt before heading out the door. The door is locked behind them.
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Budinscak Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
Level 1 Horror Emotions
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o What are the Level 1 horror emotions.
o Which Acts (1,2,3) these emotions typically fall.
o How to build the emotional journey in a horror film.
INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki notices various, large pieces of tarp covering items on the ground as she pulls into the farm’s driveway.
EXT – FARM – DAY
The Jeep parks at the junction of the driveway and a fence. Vicki ambles over to one of the tarps where Curtis, the farmer, stands.
VICKI: What’s going on, Curtis?
CURTIS: Ever since they showed up at Candy Cane Mountain…
VICKI: The government facility?
CURTIS: Yep. Look at this.
Curtis grabs a corner of the piece of tarp.
BEEP! One of the military trucks in a 3-truck convoy blasts its horn.
Vicki and Curtis just about jump out of their skins. They can see some of the soldiers in the trucks laughing at their reactions.
VICKI: Assholes.
Vicki turns, comes nose to nose with Ian and jumps back.
CURTIS: Vicki, meet my new hire, Ian. Show her what’s under the tarp.
Ian pulls back the tarp and Vicki does her best to keep from vomiting. Hard to believe these grotesque remains were once a full-grown cow.
Vicki looks at 4 other tarps and turns back to Curtis. The farmer closes his eyes and nods.
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Budinscak Horror Outline Version 1
Make Your Outline Readable
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o Time to see if the story makes sense and flows properly.
o I found a number of story-logic ‘holes’ that need to be fixed.
o I still include too much detail in my outlines. At times, it’s hard for me to get to only the salient points of the story.
OUTLINE:
Act 1 – Set Up For Horror
Atmosphere of Evil established:
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
A bruised, weary young woman (Vicki) mid 20s, is chased down a dark tunnel by an unseen pursuer. She stumbles and drops, passing out at the feet of a robotic animal.
SUPER: “6 Hours Earlier”
Connect with the Characters:
EXT – LARGE FIELD – DAY
VICKI, a young Forest Ranger, goes about her job. She’s unsure, a bit clumsy and looks completely out of place. She follows an eagle in obvious distress and happens upon poachers. They shoot at Vicki before fleeing. She ‘bags’ an article of clothing left behind.
She answers a call requesting her help with a local farmer – two of his cows have been torn apart.
EXT – FARM – DAY
Vicki and CURTIS, 60s, the farmer, study the grotesque remains near the barn. IAN, 20ish, a new hire, pulls back a tarp, Vicki does her best to keep from vomiting. They discuss a closed government facility close by – Candy Cane Mountain – when a helicopter buzzes above.
The COMMANDER, 50s, a bad dude, converses with his handpicked team inside the helicopter. They turn silent watching a UFO mirror their flight path before flying straight up and out of sight. Inciting Incident.
A 3-truck convoy of military vehicles lumbers down the road next to the farm. When Vicki leaves the farm, Curtis and Ian take off after the convoy.
EXT – MOUNTAIN CARGO AREA – DAY
SOLDIERS offload equipment for their mission. The Commander, his men and Site Operations personnel head inside as two soldiers ready for departure.
INT – CURTIS TRUCK – DAY
Curtis calls Vicki and tells her how he and Ian followed the convoy – Vicki tells him to do nothing and she’s on her way. Ian and Curtis conceal the truck near the cargo area. When Curtis looks up, Ian is gone.
The characters are warned not to do it:
EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
The two soldiers left behind discuss the mission – neither can wait to get out of the scary premises. They turn the corner to find a translucent figure evolve into a menacing shape full of fangs and claws. The men are ripped apart.
Curtis watches from the bushes when he’s overcome by the mist. Curtis’ Dr. Jekyll shift shapes to alien-occupied Curtis’ Mr. Hyde – muscular, hairy and noticeably taller – and heads inside.
Denial of Horror:
INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
The Commander meets with the SOM (Site Ops Manager) who confides to him of an alleged alien presence. The SOM has prisoners – both animal and human – sequestered in glass ‘prisons’. The Commander scoffs as he brandishes his special weaponry. He confirms he has only one interest – the successful completion of this mission to relocate this ‘weather balloon.’
INT – JEEP – DAY
Vicki speeds toward Candy Cane Mountain. She’s overtaken by a drone/UFO and forced off the road. She watches the object fly into a hole in the side of the mountain.
Safety taken away:
INT – MEDIA ROOM – DAY
A longtime onsite employee runs a short errand and never returns. Bravo and Delta are sent to find him by the Commander.
Monster – the nature of the beast:
INT – MINE TUNNEL – DAY
Bravo is savagely killed by Curtis before Delta gets off a shot slaying the farmer. When Curtis drops, the mist remains and enters Delta through his nose, ears and mouth. Monster reveal 6 for specifics.
EXT – CARGO AREA – DAY
Vicki draws her gun and stealthily enters the mountain through the cargo area. Plot Point 1.
INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
Vicki’s image shows up on multiple sensors.
(Act 1 Inciting Incident – Vicki is run off the road by a UFO or drone. Follows the drone/UFO flight to hole in side of mountain. She follows)
ACT 2 – The Point of No Return
Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:
INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction. No cell phones, internet’s down. The lights go out.
One of us is killed:
INT – MINE OFFICE – DAY
The Commander has Echo search for the intruder (Vicki), and he’s accompanied by FIDO, one of the robotic animals.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki’s tracked by Echo and the robotic animal and she’s saved by Ian. Where did he come from? Ian says he saw the monster – it’s huge.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki is separated from Ian. She’s pursued by Echo and the robot dog, rushes down the tunnel, falls and passes out at the foot of the robot (opening scene)
Midpoint – The Monster is worse than we thought
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Vicki is tossed into a makeshift cell with the other prisoners. She is tortured by SOM (Site Operations Manager).
Echo is sent for additional supplies and meets a grisly death by the monster.
INT – MAKESHIFT CELL – NIGHT
Vicki escapes from her cell. She releases all the prisoners and they flee down the tunnels.
Terrorized:
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The SOM releases his high-tech toys to hunt down the escaped prisoners. The SOM is willing to kill everyone and anyone until the alien is exposed.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
The Commander directs men to search for Echo.
INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
Social Media Influencers, Biff and Barbi, can’t resist taking selfies to live stream as they attempt to escape. At one point, they meet the monster. Their recorded death scene did earn 5 stars.
Act 3 – Full Out Horror
Fight to the death:
INT – TUNNELS – NIGHT
The prisoners race to freedom trying to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robotic animals. The monster lurks – it kills additional soldiers.
Vicki is recaptured and dragged back to the makeshift prisons.
Hysteria:
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The SOM is full tilt crazy as he draws his gun and shoots animals in hopes of eliminating the monster. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small animal. Vicki is shot and dies.
The thrilling escape from death:
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Ian reveals himself to be an alien and shares/sends part of itself to Vicki in the way of a mist – it revives her. Vicki is able to separate her animal spirit from her flesh/body. Her animal spirit seeks revenge – she kills the SOM and Drone Pilot.
Death returns to take one of more:
INT – MEDIA OFFICE – NIGHT
Vicki corners the Commander and is ready to finish him off. The alien convinces her to let the Commander live – he’ll be the aliens’ food source for their trip back home.
Resolution:
INT – SPACESHIP – NIGHT
Ian and the other aliens prepare for takeoff. They also prepare their meal, the Commander.
EXT – CARGO AREA – NIGHT
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, demeanor, everything including her attitude.
INT – JEEP – NIGHT
Vicki finds her backpack and removes the zip-lock baggy containing a poacher’s garment. She breathes in deeply and releases her animal spirit for vengeance.
INT – BAR – NIGHT
Vicki’s interviewed about what happened the night she was abducted. She shows the interviewer just enough that they’re worried. Vicki’s eyes glow in the dark.
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Budinscak Character Journey Track
Character Journey Track
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o How to build character telling each person’s journey in my story.
o The basic components needed for a character profile.
o How to give life to all characters, even the ones who die early.
CHARACTER PROFILES AND JOURNEYS:
Character Profile:
Character: Vicki
Role: Innocent. She survives
Traits: Young, unsure (bit clumsy), resourceful, compassionate, animal lover
Fears: Unknown
Wants/Needs: To escape from her captors and find out what is going on
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Top pick – she brings out the best in all others
How they react under stress: Vicki becomes focused, non-verbal leader
Relationship with other characters: Every other character likes/respects her
Character Journey:
Character Intro: We meet her running from an unknown terror. Earlier on, she’s doing her job as a Forest Ranger
Denial: She spots a UFO early on, yet she can’t believe aliens are real AND they’re here.
Their reaction at the first horror: Vicki believes there must be a logical answer to Curtis the farmer’s cows’ mutilation.
Relation to group after first horror: Assumes a leadership role
How they fight back: Vicki is shot and killed. She’s brought back to life by an alien.
Endpoint: Survivor
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: They can’t believe Vicki got a second chance. Work together, don’t threaten/intimidate.
Character Profile:
Character: Commander – he’s been brought in to covertly remove this unidentified object
Role: Leader
Traits: No nonsense, high expectations all his orders will be carried out
Fears: None
Wants/Needs: He’s here to move this ‘weather balloon’ to a secure location by the end of the day then disappear
Likeability/Rooting Factors: High ‘hiss’ factor – he’s the bad guy
How they react under stress: Never wavers, never flummoxed. Cool as a cucumber
Relationship with other characters: They can follow or get the hell out of the way
Character Journey:
Character Intro: He arrives early on in a helicopter. He watches a UFO fly next to the copter before disappearing. He’s not ruffled at all.
Denial: He knows what’s real and what isn’t
Their reaction at the first horror: No concerned. There’s a job to do, let’s do it.
Relation to group after first horror: Always the leader
How they fight back: With specialized weapons. He watches his soldiers march to their deaths
Endpoint: He dies at the end of the mission. He’s brought/taken by the aliens as their source of food for the trip.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: Even those different from us don’t tolerate those who place themselves above all others. Every life has value.
Character Profile:
Character: Ian
Role: Rescuer
Traits: Collaborator, straight forward, not aggressive
Fears: Afraid of glass/glass enclosures
Wants/Needs: He’s there to help a friend
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Strong. His sole focus is to help his friend and he’ll work with all others to achieve that goal
How they react under stress: He doesn’t appear stressed, he’s a planner
Relationship with other characters: interacts primarily with Vicki in a consultative role
Character Journey:
Character Intro: He’s with Curtis when Vicki arrives to answer Curtis’ questions
Denial: Calm, not surprised
Their reaction at the first horror: Calming voice to Vicki and Curtis, keeps them grounded
Relation to group after first horror:
How they fight back: Strategy, planning
Endpoint: All the way to the end – he’s the alien who came here to help his friend
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: Hopefully, one big surprise ending
Character Profile:
Character: SOM – Site Ops Manager – Boss of the local site
Role: Paranoid
Traits: Nervous, willing to sacrifice someone/something to prove his point
Fears: The unknown. He believes there’s an alien in the facility
Wants/Needs: He wants to identify the alien, and get the hell out of this place
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Very low – he’s whiny, vindictive – someone the audience will like to see die horribly
How they react under stress: Bad. He lashes out at everyone
Relationship with other characters: He’s the boss at the facility. Everyone reports to him, no one likes him
Character Journey:
Character Intro: His initial meeting with the Commander – he’s paranoid telling the Commander about the alien/monster
Denial: He doesn’t deny something is here. One of his ‘employees’ was ripped apart
Their reaction at the first horror: Defensive. He imprisons people and animals, keeps them separate from his team
Relation to group after first horror: In charge by default being the head of the site
How they fight back: He figures out that glass somehow slows/stops the monster
Endpoint: He dies a gruesome death at the hands of the revived and enhanced Vicki
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: This is what most people would like to do with a paranoid narcissist ‘boss’
Character Profile:
Character: Drone Pilot. Works directly for the Site Operations Manager
Role: Complainer. He pilots/drives all hi-tech equipment, drones, toys, etc
Traits: Independent, doesn’t like to be told what to do
Fears: He knows there ‘s something watching them, but he’s not sure what it is
Wants/Needs: He wants to be safely taken out of this facility
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Zero.
How they react under stress: Hide, grab someone and put them in front of him
Relationship with other characters: He’s the SOM’s right hand guy. He’s not liked
Character Journey:
Character Intro: He’s the cocky drone pilot
Denial: He’s not sure who/what did it, but no denying something ripped Jimmy apart
Their reaction at the first horror: He hasn’t recovered – won’t go anywhere alone
Relation to group after first horror:
How they fight back: He pilots his drone and robotic animals against the monster
Endpoint: Killed by the enhanced Vicki
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience:
Character Profile:
Character: Alpha, Bravo, Delta, Echo – Commander’s hand-picked team of soldiers
Role: Monster Bait
Traits: Soldiers and Mercenaries. They follow all commands
Fears: None – they think they’ve seen it all
Wants/Needs: To complete the mission and get paid. Then on to the next job
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Not much. They’re tough minded, cold hearted soldiers
How they react under stress: Cool as the other side of the pillow
Relationship with other characters: They feel like they’re in-charge, leaders from the new team
Character Journey:
Character Intro: They’re introduced in the helicopter with the Commander
Denial: No issues. They’re not worried
Their reaction at the first horror: No reaction. They do what they’re told
Relation to group after first horror: Everyone is the group believes these guys will protect them
How they fight back: With violence and specialized weapons.
Endpoint: They are all killed by the monster
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: If the monster can easily kill these guys, how are we ever going to survive?
Character Profile:
Character: Curtis – a farmer who had two cows mutilated. He’s called Vicki for help
Role: Red Herring
Traits: A farmer, hard worker, simple man who looks out for his farm and family
Fears: He’s afraid of whatever killed his cows
Wants/Needs: He wants to be paid for his cows that were slaughtered
Likeability/Rooting Factors: High – nicest guy, endearing
How they react under stress: He hunkers down and thinks through things
Relationship with other characters: They like him
Character Journey:
Character Intro: We meet Curtis when he meets with Vicki about his cows
Denial: He doesn’t think anything natural killed his cows
Their reaction at the first horror: He gets his gun
Relation to group after first horror: He’s here to help in any way he can
How they fight back: He’s possessed by the monster
Endpoint: He’s killed by the Commander’s men
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: The monster can inhabit a person’s body
Character Profile:
Character: Biff and Barbie
Role: Lovers – they’re Social Media influencers
Traits: Shallow, users. They will do anything for a click, like, star
Fears: Worried about being overlooked, considered normal
Wants/Needs: They want to live stream their escape from captivity
Likeability/Rooting Factors: Some. The more we know about Biff and Barbie, the less we like them
How they react under stress: Hide, run, confess and/or pray
Relationship with other characters: Not much since they’re too into themselves
Character Journey:
Character Intro: We meet them they’re already imprisoned
Denial: They’re clueless. They have to see it to believe it
Their reaction at the first horror: Hide and pray
Relation to group after first horror: They are simply followers, they want out
How they fight back: Escape
Endpoint: As they’re taking a selfie, they are killed by the monster and it’s captured on their feed.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to others/audience: They did get 5 stars for the scene (their murder).
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Budinscak Monster Reveal Track
Monster Reveal Track
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o A critical component of any horror movie – the monster.
o The necessary steps need to be taken and how to enhance the journey by creating demand.
o I like the steps to not only create my monster, but to also keep him in check through the movie.
o Many of the horror scenes happen in between plot points.
Monster Reveal Track:
Who is my monster and what is its terror?
An alien able to meld immediately into its host’s form – human or animal – and control their body. It terrorizes its host mentally by becoming whatever the host fears most. It exacts punishment via fangs and claws.
Powers: The monster becomes a mist to immediately assume a new host. When a mist, it can easily find it’s way through any medium except for glass.
Limitations: Has difficulty moving and/or acquiring host(s) in below freezing temperatures. Will only attack if provoked.
Weaknesses: Cannot penetrate glass. Can be captured, but not held for long in an airtight container.
Plan/Purpose/Appetite: It appears to kill in a random order, but it’s eliminating alternatives. The monster mission is to remain undetected, rescue its compatriot and leave Earth in complete anonymity – like they were never here.
Sequence the Reveals:
1. DEMAND: Curiosity/Discovery – What is the source of the flashing lights and whirring sound chasing Vicki? Who/what are attached to the robotic feet where she passes out?
MONSTER REVEAL: There is something evil happening here, but this is a misdirection – it is not the monster.
2. DEMAND: There appears to be a UFO following the Commander’s helicopter.
MONSTER REVEAL: Based on the Commander’s comments, were not sure if this is a special US drone or an unidentified flying object.
3. DEMAND: Two soldiers were prepping for departure when they were ripped apart.
MONSTER REVEAL: The two men attack a large, translucent figure – a mist – that takes a menacing shape full of claws and fangs and tears the soldiers apart.
4. DEMAND: What happens to Curtis, the nice farmer when he unknowingly walks through the alien mist.
MONSTER REVEAL: Curtis’s Dr. Jekyll to alien occupied Curtis’ Mr. Hyde. Curtis becomes muscular, with sharp teeth and long claws. His eyes glow in the dark as he enters the mine.
5. DEMAND: How will the alien inhabited Curtis act when he meets a soldier?
MONSTER REVEAL: Curtis transforms quickly to his killer self when threatened.
6. DEMAND: When a key soldier doesn’t return, Bravo and Delta search for him.
MONSTER REVEAL: Curtis brutally kills Delta before Bravo can get off a shot. Curtis’s body drops dead, but a misty figure remains. It enters Bravo’s ears, nose and mouth searching the soldier’s mind. The mist exits the body, turns into what Bravo fears – a large spider – it shreds Bravo.
7. DEMAND: How would the monster do with a soldier’s armed and adapted robotic animal?
MONSTER REVEAL: The monster neutralizes the robot’s power supply rendering it useless. The monster rips the robot’s head off just for the helluva it. It toys with Echo before killing the soldier.
8. DEMAND: Who/what is responsible for the drone attacks?
MONSTER REVEAL: The SOM is a monster as well
9. DEMAND: Will Biff and Barbi, the social media influencers, stream their escape?
MONSTER REVEAL: No, but the do make a video of the monster slicing them in half.
10. DEMAND: What will happen to Vicki when she’s shot by the SOM and dies?
MONSTER REVEAL: Ian transforms into an alien, breathes life into Vicki forever changing her.
11. DEMAND: Will the SOM and his right hand man, the Drone Pilot, escape?
MONSTER REVEAL: Vicki’s enhanced, she’s a 110% copy of her former self – and she can separate her animal spirit (a vicious, shape-shifting mist) from herself and control it.
12. DEMAND: Will the Commander escape?
MONSTER REVEAL: Ian and the injured alien he rescued bring the Commander along as their food.
13. DEMAND: What becomes of Vicki?
MONSTER REVEAL: See what the new and improved Forest Ranger Vicki can do.
OUTLINE:
Act 1 – Set Up For Horror
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Vicki, the Protagonist, is chased down a dark tunnel by an unseen pursuer. She stumbles, then passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
MONSTER REVEAL 1
Horror Situation: Pursued – Monster approaching/chasing
Reaction: Escape – Vicki flees before falling and passing out
Connect with the Characters:
Vicki, a rookie Forest Ranger, feels her way through her job. She’s new, a bit unsure, a little clumsy and an ardent animal lover.
In a helicopter above, the Commander – the bad guy – leads his handpicked team.
MONSTER REVEAL 2
The characters are warned not to do it:
The Commander and his men enter the tunnel armed to the teeth when a soldier issues the warning.
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Walking into a trap, lured into danger
Reaction: Denial – The Commander and his men believe they possess the necessary equipment. * – Death 1 – Convoy Soldiers
MONSTER REVEAL 3
Denial of Horror:
Onsite management makes overtures to the Commander of an alien presence. He scoffs while his men brandish their special weapons. The Commander will make everything disappear by the end of the day, “No one will know we were ever here.”
Horror Situation: Tormented – A character loses it/becomes a liability.
Reaction: Try to Solve It – the Commander has his marching orders. * – Death 2: Curtis – a farmer
MONSTER REVEAL 4
Safety taken away:
A soldier knowledgeable with all the facility’s various accesses just disappears.
MONSTER REVEAL 5
Monster – the nature of the beast:
Two soldiers search for their comrade and find pieces of his body. * – Deaths 3 & 4: Bravo, Delta
MONSTER REVEAL 6
The onsite team reveals ‘prisoners’ and present their plan for elimination to the Commander.
Horror Situation: Spooky – Environment changing around them/face-to-face with monster.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – The group has been infiltrated
Reaction: Hide – the soldiers backtrack cautiously concealing their position
Act 2 – The Point of No Return
Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:
Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction. No cell phones, internet’s down. The lights go out.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – Internal conflict in the group
Reaction: Escape – People search for escape routes
One of us is killed:
A soldier tasked with retrieving additional special armaments brings a robotic animal for an escort. Neither returns. * – Death 5: Echo
MONSTER REVEAL 7
Midpoint – The Monster is worse than we thought
Full pursuit by the killer:
Vicki is captured and restrained.
Horror Situation: Torture – Mentally and physically tortured
Reaction: Escape – Instead of everyone for themselves, the prisoners work together
Terrorized:
Vicki escapes and frees the prisoners.
The Site Ops Manager (SOM) releases hi-tech ‘toys’ to hunt down escaped prisoners.
The monster is on a search and destroy mission of the Commander and his team.
MONSTER REVEAL 8
Horror Situation: Tormented – one of them is an alien
Reaction: Fight – the SOM is willing to kill everyone until the alien reveals itself.
Horror Situation: Pursued – the monster is trying to get them/killing them
Reaction: Escape – Prisoners escape SOM’s devices, soldiers evade monster stalking them. * – Deaths 6 & 7: Biff and Barbi
MONSTER REVEAL 9
Act 3 – Full Out Horror
Fight to the death:
The prisoners try to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robots
Horror Situation: Isolation – Lost, trapped
Hysteria:
The SOM draws his gun and shoots animals. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small animal. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Torture – See another killed
The thrilling escape from death:
An alien reveals itself and shares/sends part of itself to Vicki in the way of a mist – it revives her. Vicki is able to separate her spirit from her flesh/body. Her spirit seeks revenge.
MONSTER REVEAL 10
Horror Situation: Spooky – face-to-face with the monster.
Reaction: Fight – Vicki is revived by the alien… and enhanced.
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Lured into the horror, working with someone then they become evil.
Reaction: Fight – Vicki’s spirit self doles out justifiable violence and pain.
MONSTER REVEAL 11
Death returns to take one or more:
Vicki’s animal spirit devours the SOM and the drone pilot. The alien stops her from killing the Commander. * – Death 8: Drone Pilot * – Death 9: SOM (Site Ops Manager)
Resolution:
The alien rescues his comrade, they bring the Commander with them – he’s their food – and in a flash, they’re gone. ‘No one will know we were ever here.’ * – Death 10: Commander
MONSTER REVEAL 12
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, how she carries herself – Vicki has a whole new attitude. She shows how she can separate her spirit from herself. Vicki promises to be the voice for all animals. She’s traveling around the region, coming to an area near you.
Closing credits – Vicki crosses paths with the poachers from the beginning of the story. * – Death 11 & 12: Two Poachers.
MONSTER REVEAL 13
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Budinscak Character Death Track
Character Death Track
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o One of the more fun assignments. It was a pleasure to dispose a few characters.
o The ‘how’ and ‘why’
Character Deaths:
Death 1 – Convoy Soldiers
Why: After unloading a forklift, two soldiers were left behind to prep for departure.
How: The monster stalks them before cutting both soldiers in half with one swoop.
Death 2: Curtis – a farmer
Why: Nicest character – shock to see him go so soon, but the monster made the call when Curtis surprised it.
How: He’s shredded by long claws.
Deaths 3 & 4: Bravo, Delta
Why: Armed with special hi-tech weapons, they’re sent searching for a missing soldier.
How: They attack the monster with their special weapons – it’s a very bad decision.
Death 5: Echo
Why: He investigates a ‘heat signature’ with no form that shows up on infrared sensors.
How: The Monster shows itself completely.
Deaths 6 & 7: Biff and Barbi
Why: The social media influencers could not resist the opportunity to film themselves inside the secret facility.
How: The phone camera shows the attack to be slow, methodical and vicious.
Death 8: Drone Pilot
Why: For flying the drones chasing Vicki down the tunnel.
How: After Ian revives her, Vicki’s animal spirit chases the Drone Pilot down the tunnel, torture precedes the killing.
Death 9: SOM (Site Ops Manager)
Why: For shooting and killing Vicki.
How: Her animal spirit toys with the SOM like a cat terrorizes a mouse.
Death 10: Commander
Why: He’s food for the departing aliens.
How: He’s knocked unconscious by the mist and wakes on the floor of an empty room. A door opens, 2 aliens float in.
Survivor: Ian
The alien completes its mission to rescue his compatriot and bring the spacecraft back home.
Survivor: Vicki
Vicki has melded with the monster and carries a piece of ‘it’ with her.
Death 11 & 12: Two Poachers.
Why: These poachers shot at her in a very early scene. She put one of the men’s shirt in her backpack.
How: Vicki finds a shirt in her backpack and sniffs it. Her enhanced senses detect the poachers’ scent in a small dive bar. She lures them out to their truck and reveals herself.
Act 1 – Set Up For Horror
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Vicki, the Protagonist, is chased down a dark tunnel by an unseen pursuer. She stumbles, then passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Horror Situation: Pursued – Monster approaching/chasing
Reaction: Escape – Vicki flees before falling and passing out
Connect with the Characters:
Vicki, a rookie Forest Ranger, feels her way through her job. She’s new, a bit unsure, a little clumsy and an ardent animal lover.
In a helicopter above, the Commander – the bad guy – leads his handpicked team.
The characters are warned not to do it:
The Commander and his men enter the tunnel armed to the teeth when a soldier issues the warning.
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Walking into a trap, lured into danger
Reaction: Denial – The Commander and his men believe they possess the necessary equipment.
* – Death 1 – Convoy Soldiers
Denial of Horror:
Onsite management makes overtures to the Commander of an alien presence. He scoffs while his men brandish their special weapons. The Commander will make everything disappear by the end of the day, “No one will know we were ever here.”
Horror Situation: Tormented – A character loses it/becomes a liability.
Reaction: Try to Solve It – the Commander has his marching orders.
* – Death 2: Curtis – a farmer
Safety taken away:
The Commander kills an employee loyal to the Site Ops Manager. They’re also the only person familiar with all the facility’s various accesses.
Monster – the nature of the beast:
Two soldiers search for their comrade and find pieces of his body.
* – Deaths 3 & 4: Bravo, Delta
The onsite team reveals ‘prisoners’ and present their plan for elimination to the Commander.
Horror Situation: Spooky – Environment changing around them/face-to-face with monster.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – The group has been infiltrated
Reaction: Hide – the soldiers backtrack cautiously concealing their position
Act 2 – The Point of No Return
Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:
Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction. No cell phones, internet’s down. The lights go out.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – Internal conflict in the group
Reaction: Escape – People search for escape routes
One of us is killed:
A soldier tasked with retrieving additional special armaments brings a robotic animal for an escort. Neither returns.
* – Death 5: Echo
Midpoint – The Monster is worse than we thought
Full pursuit by the killer:
Vicki is captured and restrained.
Horror Situation: Torture – Mentally and physically tortured
Reaction: Escape – Instead of everyone for themselves, the prisoners work together
Terrorized:
Vicki escapes and frees the prisoners.
The Site Ops Manager (SOM) releases hi-tech ‘toys’ to hunt down escaped prisoners.
The monster is on a search and destroy mission of the Commander and his team.
Horror Situation: Tormented – one of them is an alien
Reaction: Fight – the SOM is willing to kill everyone until the alien reveals itself.
Horror Situation: Pursued – the monster is trying to get them/killing them
Reaction: Escape – Prisoners escape SOM’s devices, soldiers evade monster stalking them.
* – Deaths 6 & 7: Biff and Barbi
Act 3 – Full Out Horror
Fight to the death:
The prisoners try to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robots
Horror Situation: Isolation – Lost, trapped
Hysteria:
The SOM draws his gun and shoots animals. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small animal. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Torture – See another killed
The thrilling escape from death:
An alien reveals itself and shares/sends part of itself to Vicki in the way of a mist – it revives her. Vicki is able to separate her spirit from her flesh/body. Her spirit seeks revenge.
Horror Situation: Spooky – face-to-face with the monster.
Reaction: Fight – Vicki is revived by the alien… and enhanced.
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Lured into the horror, working with someone then they become evil.
Reaction: Fight – Vicki’s spirit self doles out justifiable violence and pain.
Death returns to take one or more:
Vicki’s animal spirit devours the SOM and the drone pilot. The alien stops her from killing the Commander.
* – Death 8: Drone Pilot
* – Death 9: SOM (Site Ops Manager)
Resolution:
The alien rescues his comrade, they bring the Commander with them – he’s their food – and in a flash, they’re gone. ‘No one will know we were ever here.’
* – Death 10: Commander
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, how she carries herself – Vicki has a whole new attitude. She shows how she can separate her spirit from herself. Vicki promises to be the voice for all animals. She’s traveling around the region, coming to an area near you.
* – Death 11 & 12: Two Poachers.
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Budinscak Horror Situation Track
Horror Situation Track
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o Assembling the outline with salient components
o Not only does it help with the outline, it helps with my story
o A great checklist
Act 1 – Set Up For Horror
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Vicki, the Protagonist, is chased down a dark tunnel by an unseen pursuer. She stumbles, then passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Horror Situation: Pursued – Monster approaching/chasing
Reaction: Escape – Vicki flees before falling and passing out
Connect with the Characters:
Vicki, a rookie Forest Ranger, feels her way through her job. She’s new, a bit unsure, a little clumsy and an ardent animal lover.
The characters are warned not to do it:
The Commander and his men enter the tunnel armed to the teeth when a soldier issues the warning.
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Walking into a trap, lured into danger
Reaction: Denial – The Commander and his men believe they possess the necessary equipment
Denial of Horror:
Onsite management makes overtures to the Commander of an alien presence. He scoffs while his men brandish their special weapons. The Commander will make everything disappear by the end of the day, “No one will know we were ever here.”
Horror Situation: Tormented – A character loses it/becomes a liability
Reaction: Try to Solve It – the Commander has his marching orders
Safety taken away:
The Commander kills an employee loyal to the Site Ops Manager. They’re also the only person familiar with all the facility’s various accesses.
Monster – the nature of the beast:
Two soldiers search for their comrade and find pieces of his body. The onsite team reveals ‘prisoners’ and present their plan for elimination to the Commander.
Horror Situation: Spooky – Environment changing around them/face-to-face with monster.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – The group has been infiltrated
Reaction: Hide – the soldiers backtrack cautiously concealing their position
Act 2 – The Point of No Return
Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:
Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction. No cell phones, internet’s down. The lights go out.
Horror Situation: Paranoia – Internal conflict in the group
Reaction: Escape – People search for escape routes
One of us is killed:
A soldier tasked with retrieving additional special armaments brings a robotic animal for an escort. Neither returns.
Midpoint – The Monster is worse than we thought
Full pursuit by the killer:
Vicki is captured and restrained.
Horror Situation: Torture – Mentally and physically tortured
Reaction: Escape – Instead of everyone for themselves, the prisoners work together
Terrorized:
Vicki escapes and frees the prisoners.
The Site Ops Manager (SOM) releases hi-tech ‘toys’ to hunt down escaped prisoners.
The monster is on a search and destroy mission of the Commander and his team.
Horror Situation: Tormented – one of them is an alien
Reaction: Fight – the SOM is willing to kill everyone until the alien reveals itself
Horror Situation: Pursued – the monster is trying to get them/killing them
Reaction: Escape – Prisoners escape SOM’s devices, soldiers evade monster stalking them
Act 3 – Full Out Horror
Fight to the death:
The prisoners try to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robots
Horror Situation: Isolation – Lost, trapped
Hysteria:
The SOM draws his gun and shoots animals. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small animal. Vicki is shot and dies.
Horror Situation: Torture – See another killed
The thrilling escape from death:
An alien reveals itself and shares/sends part of itself to Vicki in the way of a mist – it revives her. Vicki is able to separate her spirit from her flesh/body. Her spirit seeks revenge.
Horror Situation: Spooky – face-to-face with the monster
Reaction: Fight – Vicki is revived by the alien… and enhanced
Horror Situation: Deceptive – Lured into the horror, working with someone then they become evil
Reaction: Fight – Vicki’s spirit self doles out justifiable violence and pain
Death returns to take one or more:
Vicki’s animal spirit devours the SOM and the drone pilot. The alien stops her from killing the Commander.
Resolution:
The alien rescues his comrade, they bring the Commander with them – he’s their food – and in a flash, they’re gone. ‘No one will know we were ever here.’
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, how she carries herself – Vicki has a whole new attitude. She shows how she can separate her spirit from herself. Vicki promises to be the voice for all animals. She’s traveling around the region, coming to an area near you.
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Budinscak Horror Plot
The Horror Plot Track
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o How to put the story together
o This exercise provided the basis for the script
o Building the outline is key
Act 1 – Set Up For Horror
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Vicki, the Protagonist, is chased down a dark tunnel by an unseen pursuer. She stumbles, then passes out at the feet of a robotic animal.
Connect with the Characters:
Vicki, a rookie Forest Ranger, feels her way through her job. She’s new, a bit unsure, a little clumsy and an ardent animal lover.
The characters are warned not to do it:
The Commander and his men enter the tunnel armed to the teeth when a soldier issues the warning.
Denial of Horror:
Onsite management makes overtures to the Commander of an alien presence. He scoffs while his men brandish their special weapons. The Commander will make everything disappear by the end of the day, “No one will know we were ever here.’
Safety taken away:
The Commander kills an employee loyal to the Site Ops Manager. They’re also the only person familiar with all the facility’s various accesses.
Monster – the nature of the beast:
Two soldiers search for their comrade and find pieces of his body. The onsite team reveals ‘prisoners’ and present their plan for elimination to the Commander.
Act 2 – The Point of No Return
Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:
Cameras shut down, infrared sensors malfunction. No cell phones, internet’s down. The lights go out.
One of us is killed:
A soldier tasked with retrieving additional special armaments brings a robotic animal for an escort. Neither returns.
Midpoint – The Monster is worse than we thought
Full pursuit by the killer:
Vicki is captured and restrained.
Terrorized:
Vicki escapes and frees the prisoners.
The Site Ops Manager (SOM) releases hi-tech ‘toys’ to hunt down escaped prisoners.
The monster is on a search and destroy mission of the Commander and his team.
Act 3 – Full Out Horror
Fight to the death:
The prisoners try to stay ahead of the SOM’s drones and robots
Hysteria:
The SOM draws his gun and shoots animals. Vicki protectively wraps her body around a small animal. Vicki is shot and dies.
The thrilling escape from death:
An alien reveals itself and shares/sends part of itself to Vicki in the way of a mist – it revives her. Vicki is able to separate her spirit from her flesh/body. Her spirit seeks revenge.
Death returns to take one or more:
Vicki’s animal spirit devours a soldier and the drone pilot. The alien stops her from killing the Commander.
Resolution:
The alien rescues his comrade, they bring the Commander with them – he’s their food – and in a flash, they’re gone. ‘No one will know we were ever here.’
Vicki is a new person with distinct changes to her appearance, her walk, posture, how she carries herself – Vicki has a whole new attitude. She shows how she can separate her spirit from herself. Vicki promises to be the voice for all animals. She’s traveling around the region, coming to an area near you.
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Budinscak Characters for Horror
Survivors and Victims
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o That I’m really looking forward to killing off a few victims.
o There are a few groups I’d like to creatively dispatch.
o The three distinct dying patterns.
o The number of universal character types for a horror story.
1. Tell us your Concept and the Group chosen:
CONCEPT:
Monster: An alien able to assume either a human or animal host.
Terror: An unknown killer stalks, isolates and slaughters its victims at random.
Environment: Dark woods, marsh areas and underground tunnels.
Victims: Government black ops soldiers, bad locals and social media influencers.
GROUP: Team of professionals.
2. Dying Pattern: Put 6 to 8 characters together and kill them off one by one.
3. Character Identities within the Group:
LEADER: Commander – runs Black Ops. He was brought in to close this operation down, and he’s intent on doing it in one day.
MONSTER BAIT: Alpha, Bravo, Charlie – the Commander’s hand-picked soldiers due to their loyalty and unique skill sets. They will meet a horrible end.
CARRIER: Echo – Another experienced soldier in the Commander’s regime, and the individual who brings the Monster back with him.
OUT OF CONTROL/OBNOXIOUS: Site Ops Manager (SOM). He’s being replaced by the Commander and is none too happy about it.
COMPLAINER: Drone Pilot. Part of the previous regime under the SOM and his reckless flying drew unwanted attention to the project.
LOVERS: Social Media Influencer Couple. They stumbled upon this operation completely by accident.
RED HERRING: Dad. A farmer who’s lost livestock to animal attacks like he’s never seen before.
INNOCENT: Vicki – a rookie Forest Ranger. She followed up on a UFO sighting and was in the wrong place at the wrong time getting swept into this military operation.
RESCUER: Stranger/Starman. Vicki picks up this passenger up hitchhiking. He’s here to ‘rescue a friend’.
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Budinscak Terrifying Monster
Horror Crafting Your Monster
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o What makes a great monster – unique, unknown & terrifying.
o Answering the questions helped develop my monster.
o Doing this assignment also helped refine my story.
o
Tell us what or who your monster is: My monster is an alien, not from earth. It’s able to assume different forms – human or animal –infiltrating its host’s body by becoming a mist. The host then appears to be a 110% copy of itself.
Monster:
ITS TERROR: It is a silent hunter, its victims are alone, separated from others before being slaughtered. The killings appear to be random. Victims rarely know they’re prey. When a victim feels the monster’s presence, it’s too late.
ITS MYSTERY: All the attacks occur when a person has been isolated. The assaults come from the dark, the shadows; they’re unseen, unprovoked. They’re surprise attacks.
ITS FEAR PROVOKING APPEARANCE: They assume the bodies of both human and animal hosts, except when the monster’s inside – the host’s body appears to be on steroids. The host is a 110% copy of itself with claws, fangs and green slivers for eyes – like a cat’s eyes in sunlight. The actual monster resembles a huge tiger that’s super strong and fast.
ITS RULES: What appears to be random slayings by the monster/unknown killer, are a systematic elimination of alternatives
ITS MYTHOLOGY: N F I
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Horror Conventions and Concept
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment is…
o The critical components separating a horror film from a thriller.
o What comprises smart horror.
o What needs to be defined in my concept.
o I believe these puzzle pieces will be the basis of an outline.
MOVIE: “LIGHTS OUT”
CONCEPT:
MONSTER: Evil spirit.
TERROR: It stalks/kills its victims from the shadows, dark rooms, dark places.
ENVIRONMENT: Every dark room or shadow is where the spirit exists.
VICTIMS: Anyone who came between the Diana (evil spirit) and Sophie (hero’s mother).
TERRORIZE THE CHARACTERS: Characters can only see Diana in the absence of light. Whether in shadows or a room when the lights are switched off, she’s there. She hunts/stalks her victims in the dark.
ISOLATION: Opening scene, the father is trapped in his warehouse when the lights flicker and go out. The mother rarely leaves her home, the lights are never on/working – and she spends her time talking to the evil spirit. The older daughter attacked in her apartment. The young stepbrother escapes from his mother’s dark house.
DEATH: The evil spirit possesses abnormal strength with long ‘talons’ at the end of her fingers. The father is stabbed with Diana’s claws in the opening scene. Rebecca is stalked in her apartment. The boyfriend is beaten outside the house in the shadows. Two policemen are killed rescuing the girl and her stepbrother. The spirit intimates she killed the mother’s first husband as well.
MONSTER: The evil spirit – Diana – will do everything in her power to keep the mother isolated from her family and/or anyone who tries to help. Diana protects the mother’s fragile psyche, which is critical to the spirits existence.
HIGH TENSION: Many life and death situations, lights go out & electricity fails providing the venue for Diana to appear, intimidate and kill. Lots of escaping dark rooms, being trapped in the basement, the spirit appearing in the dark, disappearing in the light.
DEPARTURE FROM REALITY: Being slaughtered by an evil spirit really doesn’t exist in the normal life. Being tossed and beaten by ghosts doesn’t happen often as well.
MORAL STATEMENT: The dangers of depression and how evil can/will manifest itself.
I have nothing else to add about this film. It was a good horror movie, not a great one.
MY CONCEPT:
MONSTER: Alien that can assume different forms (human and animal).
TERROR: An unknown killer is eliminating both the good and bad guys in gruesome, out-of-this-world slaughters.
ENVIRONMENT: From dark woods, to critter infested swamps to underground tunnels.
VICTIMS: Animal traffickers, meth lab strongmen and human traffickers.
TERRORIZE THE CHARACTERS: Characters are stalked and slaughtered by an unknown predator. They are chased by drones, robotic animals and the unknown.
ISOLATION: Characters are pursued in the dark woods, chased through swamps – above and below water. They are stalked in underground tunnels.
DEATH: Death occurs through a variety of methods – severed limbs, animal attacks, tossed down a shaft, taser/electrical charge.
MONSTER/VILLAIN – An alien able to assume human (adult, child) and animal forms. As it seeks to complete its mission, it kills for both food and for fun.
HIGH TENSION: Life and death pursuits through various terrains by unknown and known monsters. Ticking clocks. Impending doom. Fear of unknown.
DEPARTURE FROM REALITY: Being hunted by aliens. Chased by robotic animals, drones and unknown forces. Escaping from ‘real’ predators – alligators/pythons, panthers.
MORAL STATEMENT: Every living thing has a soul/spirit separate from its flesh.
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John Budinscak
I’ve written 4-5 scripts – primarily full length films, but also a TV series.
I’m looking to write smart, elevated horror scripts AND to sell one.
I’m retired and looking to keep my mind active and creative. I’ve taken the ProSeries course (PS80) and it has dramatically improved my writing. I look forward to applying that knowledge acquired with this new course.
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I agree to the terms of this release form
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Budinscak Thriller Map Version 1 – Day 15
My Thriller Map is more than just essence, it contains detail and some dialog. I thought it best to include more for a fun read, than to go back and strip out many of the parts.
If anyone would like to exchange critiques, please contact me either here or at docbuda@aol.com
Title: FOREST RANGER VICKI
Logline: Following up on a UFO sighting, a rookie Forest Ranger stumbles upon a secretive operation where to survive the night she must use all her girl scout training to evade the robotic animals on the ground, the drones in the air and the alien craft high above.
Thriller Map Version 1
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
A bruised, exhausted Vicki – our hero – collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
SUPER: “5 Hours Ago”
EXT – RANGER STATION – DAY
Vicki trudges through a field practicing her nature walk for a big combined scouting event tomorrow morning. Vicki’s plain – she wears old style glasses, a hairstyle from another era, no makeup, a frumpy uniform – it all conceals she’s athletic with an inquisitive mind and a feisty spirit. And she’s a wee bit clumsy as well. Her counterpart, Chad, makes fun of her and her nature walk. He claims all the boys are lining up to play “Capture the Flag” and even the girls won’t be interested in her nature walk. “That’s nice” Vicki replies.
Out of the corner of her eye, Vicki spots a helicopter flying overhead, followed by a drone mirroring its flight. Out of nowhere, a second, different drone joins.
INT – HELICOPTER – DAY
The Pilot is joined by three men dressed in tactical gear, the Commander – our villain – and his two henchmen. “So much for anonymity” says the Commander. He asks the pilot about UFO sightings in the area, pilot acknowledges the stories. The Commander pulls out a hi-tech collar, “This will tell us if they’re – it’s – human or not?”. The pilot smiles and asks what branch of the government the trio works for? The Commander smiles when answering, “I can’t tell you who I work for, cuz I’m not even here.”
The second drone pulls even to the pilot’s side window, and in a flash, zips straight up out of sight. “I hope that’s ours”, the Commander sighs. The pilot questions, “who’s else could it be?” The Commander – “theirs.”
EXT – SKY – DAY
The second drone flies straight up and out of sight.
EXT – RANGER STATION – DAY
“Wow” is all Vicki can muster captivated watching the second drone. Karen, her Supervisor, surprises Vicki and asks if she’s completed her assignments – Vicki has. Then it’s imperative Vicki report back to her desk in 30 minutes.
INT – RANGER STATION – DAY
The lights are off in the seating area as Vicki approaches her desk. She finds her desk has been changed – everything is covered in pink, frilly over-the-top girlie things –pens, pencils, staplers, picture frames, everything. Vicki whispers under her breath “What the ffff” before she finds a note – go to the “Bored Room”.
She opens “Bored Room” door entering the dark room. The lights pop on and everyone yells “Surprise” and “Congratulations” – it’s Vicki’s one-year anniversary as a Forest Ranger. It’s a fun party.
The helicopter pilot makes a zoom call to congratulate Vicki and he mentions the three strange government-types he dropped off near a closed mine. Vicki wants to know more, but the call drops and all she gets is the dreaded ‘quick busy’ signal.
INT – JEEP – DUSK
On her way home, Vicki’s attention is drawn to a flying object on her left and she’s momentarily blinded by what appears to be a lazar beam. The UFO spooks a herd of deer that run into the road. Just when Vicki’s senses return, she has to take a hard turn to avoid the fleeing deer – and crashes her jeep in a ditch. Nothing with a computer chip works – the jeep won’t start, the radio and cell phones have no service. Vicki starts walking.
EXT – ROAD – NIGHT
While walking in the middle of the road, Vicki checks her cell phone – nothing. She hears something following her in the woods, but she doesn’t see anything. Vicki picks up her pace. A HOWL – wolves. She sprints towards trees and quickly scurries up one.
The wolves run by her and approach a small bush. Vicki watches the wolves circle the bush, not hunting, but protecting, before they howl and leave. Vicki shimmies down the tree and approaches the bush. She finds two exotic kittens. A whirring noise above catches Vicki’s attention. She watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine. Vicki fabricates a make-shift sling, grabs the kittens – she cannot leave them behind – and walks to the opening of the mine shaft.
INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
With her cell phone still inoperable, Vicki uses her Girl Scout training to make a torch that she brings with her. For light, she has a portable flashlight – a girl scout is always prepared – and sneaks into the mine.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander and his team confront the Site Ops Manager about who’s in charge, what’s going to happen and the timing of it. The Site Manager is due a large bonus, as are his people, but there’s no question the Commander has the upper hand – the project will disappear by tomorrow morning. Everything associated with the project will be gone by the end of the day. It’s as if it never existed.
With kittens in tow, Vicki descends an old rotted ladder. Half way down, a few steps break and Vicki drops to the ground. A security system is activated in the mine office showing infrared images of three warm bodies – Vicki and the two felines.
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
Vicki finds a light switch … and the lights work. Why? The mine has been ‘officially’ closed for the past 20 years. Vicki sees flashlights and hears footsteps approaching as she scampers ahead, trying to conceal herself in a shallow doorway. A hand wraps around her mouth and drags her into a small room. Two men rush by.
Red loosens his hand over Vicki’s mouth. Vicki asks who he is and Red lies. He says he’s an escaped camper, but Red is actually the drone pilot and techie nerd from the original site team. He tells Vicki what direction to travel safely, and as soon as Vicki disappears, Red disappears through a hidden door.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Red carries his drone to the office, unaware of the regime change. The Commander calls Red out for exposing the mission. Red says he’s been given clearance by the highest echelons of Homeland Security. Red declares ‘these products are for the border patrol’. The Commander laughs off his claim – ‘you use these on … people?’. They counter back and forth – the Site Manager chimes in – but the Commander will not bend. Red will be punished for his unauthorized drone flights, especially that flight recorded and posted on the internet.
To ease his punishment, Red offers information to the Commander about the intruder’s ID and whereabouts. The Commander instructs Red to show his arsenal of ‘homeland security tools’. Red picks a specially outfitted drone and upgraded robotic animal. There’s another, but it’s not been tested. It will be a last resort.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki comes around a corner, stumbling upon a makeshift prison with both human and animal captives. Humans – 4 campers. Animals – mountain lion, bobcat and an exotic house cat. Empty animal cages are strewn about. Vicki stashes the kittens before helping to free the campers. Only one camper is freed before Vicki’s pursuers return.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander and others watch the pursuit unfold on the security system screens. Red preps the drone and robotic dog. He pilots the drone and sets the robotic dog to ‘auto search’ for Vicki.
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
Vicki and the camper do their best to elude the search team, but the search team catches up. Vicki escapes, but the camper is shot. Vicki stays with him for a brief time before the camper tells her to save herself. She leaves, but it’s not easy.
INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
The drone flies effortlessly through the tunnel, dodging all obstacles. The robotic dog works slowly through the rough, pitted mine shaft floor. Once the dog hits a tunnel, its speed improves dramatically.
Vicki circles back to save the kittens. She’s chased down the tunnel by the drone. Vicki leaps over a large hole, but doesn’t make it completely across. She rolls down the hill and is hurt. A bruised, exhausted Vicki takes a few steps and collapses at the feet of a robotic animal. This is the opening scene.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander’s two men sift through data and videos seeking specific information on UFOs. They secure a few examples – internet UFO and odd animal sightings – and delete the rest. Stuff that’s scheduled for disposal is piled on a cart they take when they leave.
The Commander waits for the other guards to bring the pesky intruder to the office. The Commander interrogates Vicki viciously. When he’s satisfied with her answers, he and his men leave. As soon as they leave, rats dart in and surround Vicki. They chew through the ropes securing her in the chair, look at her, then leave. Vicki hobbles out the door to escape.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The Commander listens to the campers’ plea to be released, but his attention is drawn to the animals. He strolls to the exotic cat’s cage and gets an unexpected response – the cat comes over purring. The mountain lion and the bobcat react the same way. The Commander speaks softly to the cat. The Site Manager enters – the exotic cat hisses, the lion and bobcat follow suit. The Site Manager claims one of the prisoners is an alien that changed into either human or animal form. The Commander produces his hi-tech collar and they try it on the campers, the collar doesn’t work. The Commander, Site Manager and Commander’s two men exit.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander’s men return with an empty cart. The Commander asks Red what happened to Vicki – and Red tells him he doesn’t know or care what happened to Vicki. Red demands his bonus. The Commander pulls out a gun and shoots Red on the spot. The Commander’s men place Red’s body on the cart.
INT – DEEP MINE – NIGHT
Commander’s men dump Red’s body on top of the trash heap targeted to be buried.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki slowly makes her way to the place she stashed the kittens. She stops many times listening to hear if she’s being followed. After a while she finds the exotic kittens – they seem larger. She places them in her protective sling and makes her way back to the makeshift prison.
INT – DEEP MINE – NIGHT
The Commander’s men bring their final load to the destruction site. They set a time for the explosives before leaving. They never notice Red’s body has been half-eaten.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki releases all the human prisoners, helps them to her feet and directs the campers to safety. After they leave, Vicki opens the animal cages, unafraid of the two large cats. The kittens jump from the sling and nuzzle the exotic cat. The mountain lion and bobcat exit quietly.
The Site Manager bursts through the door, gun in hand. Vicki instinctively scoops up the three cats and protectively wraps her body around them. The Site Manager gets off one shot before the Commander subdues him. Vicki is seriously wounded.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Commander places Vicki on top of the desk. She dies. The Site Manager shows no remorse when he states ‘she needed her spirit broken’. The Commander wraps the collar around the exotic cat’s neck, and the alien General Gato appears. Imagine an upright walking 6-legged tiger. The Site Manager cowers in the background.
The Commander and his men have come to rescue their cohort. General Gato restores Vicki’s life, but with a twist. Her life has two beings living in one body – spirit and flesh. Vicki can extract her animalistic spirit whenever she desires. She rips apart the last members of the Site Manager’s team leaving him as the last one standing. The rest of the alien team converts to their normal form and take the Site Manager with them – just in case they get bored on the way home.
In one explosion of light – everything disappears – the Commander, his men, the aliens and the Site Manager. There’s no trace at all – nothing. It’s like they never existed.
EXT – MOUNTAIN PATH – NIGHT
The new and improved Vicki overtakes the campers. The campers notice the glowing eyes high in a tree. The spirit zips down and merges with Vicki as she emerges from the darkness. Everyone notices the difference in Vicki and they’re intimidated. But this new version of Vicki quickly calms all fears and leads the group to safety.
EXT – FOREST RANGER STATION – DAY
It’s a little after the official starting time and Vicki’s not there. Chad takes the podium to start the event when the crowd parts for Vicki. There’s something different, noticeably different, about her. It shows in her walk, posture, how she carries herself and especially her eyes – it’s hypnotic. People aren’t the only ones who notice the change, so do the animals. Rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, deer, foxes – a wide variety – venture to the fringe of the forest and beckon Vicki. The boys stop playing “Capture the Flag” and join their female cohorts on the nature walk. Now angry, Chad secretly enters the nature territory, but his unannounced visit is met by f Vicki’s spirit, something he’s never imagined. Frightened, he spins around and runs. The scouts take notice.
Vicki holds out her hand – an eagle lands gently on her unshielded arm.
All the scouts cheer – they love Forest Ranger Vicki.
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Budinscak Thriller Map Version 1 – Day 14
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o I actually have a workable outline!
o If not for the examples, I would have had a tougher time converting to a readable format.
o I see some holes in my story – and it’ll be much easier to fix here than with a 100+ page script.
Thriller Map Version 1
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
A bruised, exhausted Vicki – our hero – collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
INT – HELICOPTER – DAY
The Commander – our villain – and two henchmen quietly discuss their mission while the Pilot tries desperately to join the conversation. The trio review internet videos of local UFO sightings. The Commander stresses the secrecy of their mission as he points to two different drones following outside. The Commander comments, “I hope they’re ours.” The Pilot questions, “Who else could it be?”. “Theirs” is all the villain says.
The Commander pulls out a hi-tech collar, “This will tell us if it’s human or not?”. The Pilot smiles and asks what branch of the government the trio work for? The Commander smiles when answering, “We’re not here.”
EXT – RANGER STATION – DAY
Carrying sleeping bags to a hut, Vicki stops as she watches one of the drones leave the helicopter and zip straight up out of sight. Behind her Karen, her supervisor, pushes her forward. Karen’s a bit of a bully, but Vicki lets the comments roll right off her shoulders. Karen leads Vicki back to the station.
INT – RANGER STATION – DAY
There’s a small party for Vicki – it’s her one-year anniversary as a Forest Ranger. Karen comments to Vicki that she may be late tomorrow. If she is, it’s Vicki’s responsibility to lead the Girl Scout event – nature walk – scheduled for the morning. ‘those brats are nasty, you won’t like it.’ “No problem” says Vicki. The helicopter pilot attends and mentions the three strange government types he dropped off near a closed mine. Karen listens intently.
INT – JEEP – DUSK
On her way home, Vicki’s attention is drawn to a flying object on her left and she’s momentarily blinded by what appears to be a lazar beam. The UFO spooks a herd of deer that run into the road. Just when Vicki’s senses return, she has to take a hard turn to avoid the fleeing deer – Vicki crashes her jeep in a ditch. Nothing with a chip works – the jeep won’t start, the radio and cell phones have no service. Vicki starts walking.
EXT – ROAD – NIGHT
While walking in the middle of the road, Vicki checks her cell phone – nothing. She hears something following her in the woods, but she doesn’t see anything. Vicki picks up her pace. A HOWL – wolves. She sprints towards trees and quickly scurries up one.
The wolves run by her and approach a small bush. Vicki watches the wolves circle the bush, not hunting, but protecting, before they howl and leave. Vicki shimmies down the tree and approaches the bush. She finds two exotic kittens. A whirring noise above catches Vicki’s attention. She watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine. Vicki fabricates a make-shift sling, grabs the kittens – she cannot leave them behind – and walks to the opening of the mine shaft.
EXT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
Intentionally hidden under tree limbs off the road, Vicki finds Karen’s new truck. Vicki enters the mineshaft.
INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
With her cell phone still inoperable, Vicki uses her Girl Scout training to make a torch that she brings with her. For light, she has a portable flashlight – a girl scout is always prepared – and sneaks into the mine.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander and his team confront the Site Ops Manager about who’s in charge, what’s going to happen and the timing of it. No question the Commander has the upper hand – the project will disappear by tomorrow morning. Everything associated with the project will be gone by the end of the day. It’s as if it never existed.
With kittens in tow, Vicki descends an old rotted ladder. Half way down, a few steps break and Vicki drops to the ground. A security system is activated in the mine office showing infrared images of three warm bodies – Vicki and the felines.
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
Vicki finds a light switch … and the lights work. Why? The mine has been ‘officially’ closed for the past 20 years. Vicki sees flashlights and hears footsteps approaching as she scampers ahead, trying to conceal herself in a shallow doorway. A hand wraps around her mouth and drags her into a small room. Two men rush by.
Red loosens his hand over Vicki’s mouth. Vicki asks who he is and Red lies. He says he’s an escaped camper, but Red is actually the drone pilot and techie nerd from the original site team. He tells Vicki what direction to travel safely, and as soon as Vicki disappears, Red disappears through a hidden door.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Red carries his drone to the office, unaware of the regime change. The Commander calls Red out for exposing the mission. Red says he’s been given clearance by the highest echelons of Homeland Security. Red declares ‘these products are for the border patrol’. The Commander laughs off his claim – ‘you use these on … people?’. They counter back and forth – the Site Manager chimes in – but the Commander will not bend. Red will be punished for his unauthorized drone flights, especially those caught recorded/posted on the internet.
To save his ass, Red provides the Commander with info he doesn’t have – the intruder’s Vicki – ID and whereabouts. The Commander instructs Red to show his arsenal of ‘homeland security tools’. Red picks a specially outfitted drone and upgraded robotic animal. There’s another, but it’s not been tested. It will be a last resort.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki comes around a corner, stumbling upon a makeshift prison with both human and animal captives. Humans – 4 campers and Karen. Karen…. what? Animals – mountain lion, bobcat and an exotic house cat. Empty animal cages are strewn about. Vicki stashes the kittens before helping to free Karen and the campers. Only one camper is freed before Vicki’s pursuers return.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander and others watch the pursuit unfold on the security system screens. Red preps the drone and robotic dog. He pilots the drone and sets the dog in search of Vicki.
INT – CAVE – NIGHT
Vicki and the camper do their best to elude the search team, but they catch up. Vicki escapes, but the camper is shot. Vicki stays with him for a brief time before the camper tells her to save herself. She leaves, but it’s not easy.
INT – MINE SHAFT – NIGHT
The drone flies effortlessly through the tunnel, dodging all obstacles. The robotic dog works slowly through the rough, pitted mine shaft floor. Once the dog hits a tunnel, its speed improves dramatically.
Vicki circles back to save the kittens. She’s chased down the tunnel by the drone. Vicki leaps over a large hole, but doesn’t make it completely across. She rolls down the hill and is hurt. A bruised, exhausted Vicki takes a few steps and collapses at the feet of a robotic animal. This is the opening scene.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander’s two men sift through data and videos seeking specific information on UFOs. They secure a few examples – internet UFO and odd animal sightings – and delete the rest. Stuff that’s scheduled for disposal is piled on a cart they take when they leave.
The Commander waits for the other guards to bring the pesky intruder to the office. The Commander interrogates Vicki viciously. When he’s satisfied with her answers, he and his men leave. Red wanders in and opens the locks keeping Vicki in a chair. She hobbles out the door to escape.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
The Commander listens to the campers’ plea to be released, but his attention is drawn to the animals. He strolls to the exotic cat’s cage and gets an unexpected response – the cat comes over purring. The mountain lion and the bobcat react the same way. The Commander speaks softly to the cat. The Site Manager enters – the exotic cat hisses, the lion and bobcat follow suit. The Site Manager claims one of the prisoners is an alien that changed into either human or animal form. The Commander produces his hi-tech collar and they try it on the campers and Karen, the collar doesn’t work. The Commander, Site Manager and Commander’s two men exit.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
The Commander’s men return with an empty cart. The Commander asks Red what happened to Vicki – and Red tells him he felt sorry for her and let her go. The Commander pulls out a gun and shoots Red on the spot. The Commander’s men place Red’s body on the cart.
INT – DEEP MINE – NIGHT
Commander’s men dump Red’s body on top of the trash heap targeted to be buried.
INT – TUNNEL – NIGHT
Vicki slowly makes her way to the place she stashed the kittens. She stops many times listening to hear if she’s being followed. After a while she finds the exotic kittens – they seem larger. She places them in her protective sling and makes her way back to the makeshift prison.
INT – DEEP MINE – NIGHT
The Commander’s men bring their final load to the destruction site. They set a time for the explosives before leaving. They never notice Red’s body has been half-eaten.
INT – MAKESHIFT PRISON – NIGHT
Vicki releases all the human prisoners. She helps Karen to her feet and has her lead the campers to safety. After they leave, Vicki opens the animal cages, unafraid of the two large cats. The kittens jump from the sling and nuzzle the exotic cat. The mountain lion and bobcat exit quietly.
Site Manager bursts through the door, gun in hand. Vicki instinctively scoops up the three cats and wraps her body around them. The Site Manager gets off one shot before the Commander subdues him. Vicki is seriously wounded.
INT – MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Commander places Vicki on top of the desk. She dies. The Site Manager shows no remorse when he states ‘she needed her spirit broken’. The Commander wraps the collar around the exotic cat’s neck, and the alien General Gato appears. Imagine an upright walking 6-legged tiger. The Site Manager cowers in the background.
The alien restores Vicki’s life, but with a twist. Her life has two beings living in one body – spirit and flesh. Vicki can extract her animalistic spirit whenever she desires. She rips apart the rest of the Site Manager’s team leaving him as the last one standing. She has the rest of the alien team convert and take the Site Manager with them – just in case they get bored on the way home.
In one bright explosion – everything disappears – the Commander, his men, the converted cats and the Site Manager. There’s no tract at all – they simply disappeared leaving no trace of their existence.
EXT – MOUNTAIN PATH – NIGHT
The new and improved Vicki overtakes Karen and the campers. The campers notice the glowing eyes high in a tree. The spirit zips down and merges with Vicki as she emerges from the darkness. Everyone notices the difference in Vicki and Karen is intimidated. Karen tells Vicki she’s ill and Vicki will have to cover for her tomorrow with the girl scout event. Vicki’s eyes glow unnaturally and Karen stumbles backwards.
EXT – FOREST RANGER STATION – DAY
Noticeably different, Vicki leads the Girl Scout event. Whatever it is, it shows in her gait, her posture and especially her eyes. A man enters the scout territory unannounced, he is met by a vision of Vicki’s spirit side. He spins around and quickly exits.
Vicki holds out her hand – an eagle lands gently on her unshielded arm.
The scouts cheer – they love Forest Ranger Vicki.
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<div>
</div>Budinscak Misdirects…. When Appropriate – Day 13
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o Use misdirection sparingly.
o Keep it simple and don’t get it too complicated – do not confuse the reader/audience.
o Lots of info in my Thriller Map and it’s a little hard to navigate everything being layered in.
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection
o The Red Herring Character
o The Villain’s Plan
o The Cover-up for each mystery present as reality
2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
o Clue Misdirection
o Character Misdirection
o Dialogue Misdirection
The misdirection was focused solely on two characters – the villain and the red herring – and clue and dialogue misdirection was used.
3. Decide on the ones that work and add them to your Thriller Map
Thriller Map
OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduces the lead character in action.
A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Reveal 1
Mystery #1 – What’s the source of UFO sighting??
– Sightings have occurred the past few weeks
– Are aliens real?
– Videos on the internet
Clue 1, 2, 3
Villain’s Plan #1 – Ensure the project operates in anonymity.
Twist 1
Reveal 2, 3, 4
Misdirection – dialogue – Commander notices two different drones following his helicopter. One shoots the other out of the sky. Commander, “I hope that’s one of ours” ? – “who else could it be?”, Commander, “theirs”.
Misdirection – clue. Commander shows a hi-tech ‘collar’ that will ‘show who’s human and who ain’t. The Commander claims it’s for control.
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
Was that a UFO? Driving home, Vicki crashes her jeep interacting with a flying object.
Mystery #2 – Flashing Lights in the sky
Twist 2
LT #1 – Vicki momentarily blinded by light/lazar from flying object.
LT #2 – Spooked deer flee into the road, Vicki crashes jeep avoiding.
Twist 3
Mystery #3 – Systems affected
– Cell phone doesn’t work
– Car computer systems malfunction
Twist 4, 5
LT #3 – Vicki chased by wolves.
Reveal 10, 11, 12
Clue 12
Mystery # 4 – Aberrant animal behavior
– Unnatural sounds
Villain’s Plan – #2 – Shut the project down and make it disappear in 24 hours.
Clue 4, 6, 7
Twist 6, 7
Villain’s Plan #3 – Dispose of all unwanted equipment.
– Moved to area of deepest shaft
– Explosive device wired.
Twist 8
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft – and follows.
Reveal 12
Misdirection – Clue – Vicki finds her associate, Karen’s, hidden truck.
Mystery #5 – Who is piloting the drone?’
– Who/what is in the abandoned mine?
LT #4 – Vicki climbs down a rotted ladder, it breaks and she’s barely able to hang on.
Reveal 13, 14
Vicki/Red
Trust – Vicki meets Red in the tunnel, he points her in the right direction
Distrust – she ends up in the room with captives – and is caught herself
Trust – Red sticks up for Vicki
Distrust – he tells the Commander where he found her
Trust – he opens Vicki’s lock so she can escape.
Distrust – Red sends specialized drones to hunt Vicki down
Mystery #6 – Who are these men?
– Why are they chasing Vicki?
– Why are they firing at her?
Twist 9
LT #5 – Vicki evades an armed security team pursuing her.
Twist 10
Mystery #7 – The Commander – who is this pesky intruder?
– Who is she?
– Who sent her?
– Why is she here?
– Is this the one who escaped detection/security?
Villain Plan #4 – Assess all witnesses
– Captured campers
– Disgruntled employees
– Forest Ranger
Vicki/Commander
Trust – The Commander puts Vicki at ease representing himself as the new guy who’s going to clean up this mess
Distrust – The Commander sends his security team after Vicki.
Trust – Vicki is rescued from being pursued by robotic animals.
Distrust – The Commander interrogates Vicki
Trust – Vicki escapes
Distrust – Commander kills employee who let Vicki escape
Distrust – Vicki is shot and wounded by the Commander
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
Vicki finds prisoners – people and animals in cages.
Reveal 15, 16
Mystery #8 – Why are there prisoners?
– Why are these people (campers) locked up?
– Why are animals in cages?
Vicki/Camper Bob
Trust – Vicki finds Camper Bob held captive with 3 other humans
Distrust – Camper Bob says he speaks for the other campers. The other campers shake their head no.
Trust – Camper Bob saves Vicki from an attack drone
Distrust – for promised freedom, he gives up her position to the Commander
Trust – Camper Bob explains his plan to Vicki – how he’ll rescue her and the rest of the campers
Reveal 17
Clue 15
LT #6 – Shocked to find prisoners. Vicki can only free one before her pursuers. They escape.
LT #7 – The pursuers fire and the camper is killed/wounded.
Twist 11
LT #8 – Fleeing down a tunnel, Vicki can’t quite make the leap and tumbles down a hole and is hurt.
LT #9 – A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #9 – Who is responsible for this operation?
– Vicki meets the man in charge, the real Commander.
Reveal 18
LT #10 – Vicki is brutally interrogated by the Commander.
LT #11 – A sympathetic techie allows Vicki to escape. The Commander shoots the techie on the spot.
Reveal 19
Misdirection – Clue – The special alien collar doesn’t work.
Villain Plan #5 – Dispose all witnesses
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Vicki’s is shot and seriously wounded.
LT #12 – LT frees the rest of the campers under fire.
LT #13 – Vicki releases all the caged animals.
Mystery #10 – What is it about the exotic cat?
LT #14 – As security approaches, Vicki wraps herself around the exotic cat to protect – and Vicki’s shot.
Villain Plan #6 – Time to wrap it up and make it disappear.
Twist 12
Reveal 20, 21
Vicki/Karen
Distrust – Karen lies to Vicki about her new truck – and Vicki knows it
Trust – Karen helps Vicki with a Girl Scout troop presentation
Distrust – Karen makes judgmental comments to Vicki
Trust – Vicki finds Karen locked up with other prisoners
Distrust – Vicki does not believe Karen’s explanation
Trust – Karen creates a smokescreen allowing Vicki to escape detection
Trust – Karen shares information about how to escape
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
Aliens are real! The new iteration Vicki makes the Commander disappear.
Twist 13
Reveal 22
LT #15 – The alien restores Vicki’s life with a few modifications.
Mystery #11 – What makes Vicki different?
– Will there be differences?
– Will they be easy to decipher?
Mystery #12 – What will this iteration of Vicki do to the Commander?
– Vicki approves aliens taking the Commander and the rest of his team with them – make them disappear.
Reveal 23
RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
The escaped campers tell a story of Forest Ranger Vicki.
Reveal 24
Mystery #13 – What happened to Vicki?
– Her life was restored – her flesh as well as her spirit. She is one ‘person’, but easily exists as two separate ‘people’/entities.
– Her physical self has been altered – aged, wiser yet with a younger walk.
– Known as the animal’s friend who’s always watching.
Vicki covers for Karen at the Girl Scout event and Vicki is noticeably different.
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Budinscak Gives Great Clues – Day 12
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o I always had problems keeping track of clues – great organization tool.
o The Thriller Map is becoming a detailed outline.
o Much easier to manage changes here than in a script, even a very rough draft.
o I have to go back through to properly separate many of the reveals from ‘key clues’ given the new ending for my story.
1. List out the three or four main mysteries in your story.
– What is the source of the UFO sightings?
– What are the reports of strange animal sightings?
– Who can be trusted?
– Who is the pesky intruder?
2. Create a list of clues for each of the main mysteries in the story
What is the source of the UFO sightings?
1. Internet video – new sighting.
2. Are aliens real? – conversation during helicopter ride between the Commander and his security team.
3. Commander comments about the two drones mirroring the copter ride.
4. Man made – cutting edge drones, robotic animals at the site.
5. Vicki momentarily blinded by UFO
6. Site Manager’s comments about what’s been seen, followed
7. An original team member comments he’s witnessed one of the captives turn into an alien.
What are the reports of strange animal sightings?
8. Unnatural sounds
9. Strange looking beasts – a 6-legged tiger
10. Farm animals restless
11. Wildlife – birds and animals – on edge, ready to flee
12. Wild animals drawn to the exotic kittens
13. Commander’s interaction with mountain lion – always in attack mode except with the Commander and Vicki.
14. Robotic Animals – opening scene reveal and clue.
Who can be trusted?
15. Camper Bob – alleges to have proof of alien existence, escaped when Commander took over
16. Drone Pilot – techie nerd develops a soft spot for Vicki
17. The Commander – when he arrives all communication devices cease working
18. Commander’s security team – very odd group
19. Vicki – unknown who stumbles into the operation
20. Original Site Manager – not informed of switch coming via Commander
21. Guard – original team who claims to have witnessed an alien turn into a captive, but not sure which one.
Who is the pesky intruder?
22. Camper Bob
23 Vicki
24 Escaped camper
25 Security team member
26 Security systems
27 Alien
3. Decide which clues you want to use and sequence those into clue trails for each mystery.
Sequencing the clues as to UFO sightings and misleading info on the Commander. My whole story has changed during this class and I’m setting it up for a complete surprise ending.
4. Add those clues to your Thriller Map.
5. Give us the latest version of your Thriller Map.
Thriller Map
OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduces the lead character in action.
A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Reveal 1
Mystery #1 – What’s the source of UFO sighting??
– Sightings have occurred the past few weeks
– Are aliens real?
– Videos on the internet
Clue 1, 2, 3
Villain’s Plan #1 – Ensure the project operates in anonymity.
Twist 1
Reveal 2, 3, 4
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
Was that a UFO? Driving home, Vicki crashes her jeep interacting with a flying object.
Mystery #2 – Flashing Lights in the sky
Twist 2
LT #1 – Vicki momentarily blinded by light/lazar from flying object.
LT #2 – Spooked deer flee into the road, Vicki crashes jeep avoiding.
Twist 3
Mystery #3 – Systems affected
– Cell phone doesn’t work
– Car computer systems malfunction
Twist 4, 5
LT #3 – Vicki chased by wolves.
Reveal 10, 11, 12
Clue 12
Mystery # 4 – Aberrant animal behavior
– Unnatural sounds
Villain’s Plan – #2 – Shut the project down and make it disappear in 24 hours.
Clue 4, 6, 7
Twist 6, 7
Villain’s Plan #3 – Dispose of all unwanted equipment.
– Moved to area of deepest shaft
– Explosive device wired.
Twist 8
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft – and follows.
Reveal 12
Mystery #5 – Who is piloting the drone?’
– Who/what is in the abandoned mine?
LT #4 – Vicki climbs down a rotted ladder, it breaks and she’s barely able to hang on.
Reveal 13, 14
Vicki/Red
Trust – Vicki meets Red in the tunnel, he points her in the right direction
Distrust – she ends up in the room with captives – and is caught herself
Trust – Red sticks up for Vicki
Distrust – he tells the Commander where he found her
Trust – he opens Vicki’s lock so she can escape.
Distrust – Red sends specialized drones to hunt Vicki down
Mystery #6 – Who are these men?
– Why are they chasing Vicki?
– Why are they firing at her?
Twist 9
LT #5 – Vicki evades an armed security team pursuing her.
Twist 10
Mystery #7 – The Commander – who is this pesky intruder?
– Who is she?
– Who sent her?
– Why is she here?
– Is this the one who escaped detection/security?
Villain Plan #4 – Assess all witnesses
– Captured campers
– Disgruntled employees
– Forest Ranger
Vicki/Commander
Trust – The Commander puts Vicki at ease representing himself as the new guy who’s going to clean up this mess
Distrust – The Commander sends his security team after Vicki.
Trust – Vicki is rescued from being pursued by robotic animals.
Distrust – The Commander interrogates Vicki
Trust – Vicki escapes
Distrust – Commander kills employee who let Vicki escape
Distrust – Vicki is shot and wounded by the Commander
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
Vicki finds prisoners – people and animals in cages.
Reveal 15, 16
Mystery #8 – Why are there prisoners?
– Why are these people (campers) locked up?
– Why are animals in cages?
Vicki/Camper Bob
Trust – Vicki finds Camper Bob held captive with 3 other humans
Distrust – Camper Bob says he speaks for the other campers. The other campers shake their head no.
Trust – Camper Bob saves Vicki from an attack drone
Distrust – for promised freedom, he gives up her position to the Commander
Trust – Camper Bob explains his plan to Vicki – how he’ll rescue her and the rest of the campers
Reveal 17
Clue 15
LT #6 – Shocked to find prisoners. Vicki can only free one before her pursuers. They escape.
LT #7 – The pursuers fire and the camper is killed/wounded.
Twist 11
LT #8 – Fleeing down a tunnel, Vicki can’t quite make the leap and tumbles down a hole and is hurt.
LT #9 – A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #9 – Who is responsible for this operation?
– Vicki meets the man in charge, the real Commander.
Reveal 18
LT #10 – Vicki is brutally interrogated by the Commander.
LT #11 – A sympathetic techie allows Vicki to escape. The Commander shoots the techie on the spot.
Reveal 19
Villain Plan #5 – Dispose all witnesses
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Vicki’s is shot and seriously wounded.
LT #12 – LT frees the rest of the campers under fire.
LT #13 – Vicki releases all the caged animals.
Mystery #10 – What is it about the exotic cat?
LT #14 – As security approaches, Vicki wraps herself around the exotic cat to protect – and Vicki’s shot.
Villain Plan #6 – Time to wrap it up and make it disappear.
Twist 12
Reveal 20, 21
Vicki/Karen
Distrust – Karen lies to Vicki about her new truck – and Vicki knows it
Trust – Karen helps Vicki with a Girl Scout troop presentation
Distrust – Karen makes judgmental comments to Vicki
Trust – Vicki finds Karen locked up with other prisoners
Distrust – Vicki does not believe Karen’s explanation
Trust – Karen creates a smokescreen allowing Vicki to escape detection
Trust – Karen shares information about how to escape
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
Aliens are real! The new iteration Vicki makes the Commander disappear.
Twist 13
Reveal 22
LT #15 – The alien restores Vicki’s life with a few modifications.
Mystery #11 – What makes Vicki different?
– Will there be differences?
– Will they be easy to decipher?
Mystery #12 – What will this iteration of Vicki do to the Commander?
– Vicki approves aliens taking the Commander and the rest of his team with them – make them disappear.
Reveal 23
RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
The escaped campers tell a story of Forest Ranger Vicki.
Reveal 24
Mystery #13 – What happened to Vicki?
– Her life was restored – her flesh as well as her spirit. She is one ‘person’, but easily exists as two separate ‘people’/entities.
– Her physical self has been altered – aged, wiser yet with a younger walk.
– Known as the animal’s friend who’s always watching.
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Budinscak’s Dramatic Reveals – Day 11
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o Reveals should never happen via exposition – they need dramatic impact.
o Create demand for the reveals by MIS
o A reveal is either a secret or some key piece of information that changes the audience’s perception on the story in some way
o This exercise completely changed the ending of my script. My villain is definitely the red herring character. Interesting revelation.
o I interchanged suspense and intrigue
1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.
Reveal 1:
Intrigue: An exhausted woman collapses at the feet of a robotic animal – “6 hours earlier”
Mystery: What happened to her?
Suspense: Robotic animals?
Reveal 2:
Suspense: Who is she?
Intrigue: What makes her special?
Reveal: Vicki is an expert scout and rookie forest ranger
Reveal 3
Mystery: A helicopter’s flight through the mountains is mirrored by 2 different drones.
Suspense: Different drones
Suspense: Who’s the passenger(s)
Reveal: Our villain, the Commander
Reveal 4
Intrigue: The Commander produces a unique, hi-tech collar
Suspense: How is this used and why?
Mystery: Who is this guy? Who does he work for?
Reveal: The Commander hints that ‘it’s for control’
Reveal
Intrigue: One of the drones shoots down the other
Reveal: The Commander, ‘better be one of ours’
Reveal 5
Mystery: Driving home, Vicki is momentarily blinded by a lazar/bright light from an unknown source.
Intrigue: What is this?
Reveal: A flying object
Reveal 6
Mystery: The flying object zips towards a herd of grazing deer – it spooks them
Intrigue: What’s happening?
Reveal: The deer flee into the road, on a collision course with Vicki’s jeep
Reveal 7
Intrigue: The jeep crashes evading the ‘mobilized’ deer
Mystery: Were the deer used as a weapon?
Mystery: Was that an intentional, coordinated attack?
Suspense: Is Vicki okay?
Reveal: Vicki’s fine, but nothing with a chip works
Reveal 8
Mystery: Why doesn’t the cell phone work?
Mystery: Why won’t the jeep start? Radio work?
Intrigue: Vicki heads out on foot.
Reveal: Something in the woods is following Vicki
Reveal 9
Suspense: Howls – wolves follow Vicki
Mystery: How will she escape?
Reveal: Are they hunting?
Reveal 10
Mystery: What are the wolves protecting?
Intrigue: What’s caused this behavior?
Suspense: Why do the wolves look at Vicki, howl then leave
Reveal: Two exotic kittens
Reveal 11
Mystery: What are these animals?
Intrigue: How did these animals get here?
Reveal: Vicki makes a sling and brings the animals on the journey with her.
Reveal 12
Intrigue: Vicki spots a drone enter an abandoned mine shaft
Mystery: Why would it fly in there?
Mystery: Who’s piloting the drone?
Reveal: The mine is definitely not abandoned
Intrigue: Who operates down here?
Reveal 13
Mystery: Where is Vicki going as she descends the ladder?
Intrigue: the ladder breaks as Vicki’s half way down
Suspense: How will she get out?
Mystery: Are the exotic kittens okay?
Reveal: There’s a series of tunnels and caves
Reveal 14
Mystery: Where do these lead?
Reveal: Vicki uses her girl scout experience to determine which cave
Intrigue: Where do those unnatural sounds come from?
Reveal 15
Mystery: Where are the voices coming from?
Intrigue: Vicki sneaks up on an armed ‘security’ guy talking to himself
Reveal: Animals and people are held captive
Mystery: Why does he keep asking ‘which one of you is the alien?’
Reveal 16
Mystery: How many comprise this security team?
Intrigue: Vicki’s spotted by one of the security team. She takes off.
Mystery: Who’s chasing Vicki?
Reveal: Vicki meets Camper Bob
Reveal 17
Mystery: Who is Camper Bob?
Intrigue: Not much of Camper Bob’s story adds up
Reveal: He’ll do and say anything to save himself.
Mystery: Come back to the same mystery, who is Camper Bob?
Reveal 18
Intrigue: Vicki is interrogated by the Commander
Mystery: Why did their paths cross? What does she know?
Mystery: Why is she here? Does Vicki work for a competitor?
Reveal: Vicki is one tough SOB
Reveal 19
Intrigue: One of the Commander’s crew lets Vicki go.
Mystery: Why was she set free?
Mystery: Who is this guy?
Reveal: The Commander shoots him dead.
Reveal 20
Intrigue: Vicki protects the exotic kittens with her body
Suspense: Will she be able to protect the kittens?
Mystery: Will she survive?
Reveal: Vicki is seriously wounded.
Reveal 21
Intrigue: The Commander rushes to Vicki’s side
Mystery: What is the Commander doing?
Mystery: What’s happening to the exotic kittens?
Reveal: the Commander is the red herring. He’s an alien along with the kittens.
Reveal 22
Mystery: What happens to Vicki?
Intrigue: What are the aliens doing to Vicki’s body?
Reveal: Vicki is ‘restored’ into two entities – her flesh and her spirit
Reveal 23
Mystery: What happens with the remaining bad guys?
Intrigue: Vicki’s spirit self is something else – she condemns the remaining security force.
Reveal: The remaining bad guys leave with the alien crew. Everything is wrapped up and made to disappear
Reveal 24
Mystery: Will Vicki be able to keep her appointment for the girl scouts meeting?
Intrigue: Rumors run rampant Vicki was involved with UFOs last night
Reveal: Meet the new and improved Forest Ranger Vicki.
3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:
A. What is the reveal?
B. How did it get covered up?
C. What MIS can be used to create demand to know the truth?
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact
4. Build any improvements into your thriller map.
5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map
The ending has changed dramatically from the first day. Many of the reveals were in the story, this process tightened up the story.
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Budinscak’s Trust Relationships – Day 10
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o At some point, our hero needs to trust someone.
o Much like real life, not all characters are trustable.
o Fresh way to look at characters.
1. Make a list of the main characters.
– Hero: Vicki
– Villain: Commander
– Red Herring Character: Red
– Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Camper Bob
– Isn’t trusted, but should be: Karen
2. With each character, ask these questions:
– What is their basic state
– How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable or be not trustable, but appear trustable.
– What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
Hero – Vicki – basic state is trustable. Given the journey she’s on, she’s dirty and bruised and doesn’t look like someone who’s there to help even though that’s exactly why she’s there. What would cause her to flip – when she can’t trust her other characters (Villain, Red Herring etc), she’ll understand what side to take.
Villain – Commander – basic state is distrust. He carries himself like he’s in charge, the authority figure handing out instructions. They don’t realize he’s bat-shit crazy, singular in focus. What would cause him to flip? The Commander will adapt himself to any situation as long as it enhances the achievement of his goal.
Red Herring Character – Red – basic state is distrust. Red is the technician/drone pilot for the old regime. He is a talented chameleon, able to pull out whatever personality is needed. He is trying to protect his own skin – he’s the one making unauthorized drone flights, raising suspicions of UFO sightings. Trouble is – he’s seen the UFOs.
Trusted but shouldn’t be – Camper Bob – his basic state is trustable. He’s chosen himself as the spokesperson for the captured campers. He will sacrifice his friends for his own wellbeing and financial gain.
Isn’t trusted, but should be – Karen – her basic state is distrust. She’s a very cynical co-worker, initially jealous of Vicki. She’s on the Commander’s project’s payroll to look the other way. What causes her flip? When she meets the Commander and realizes she’s been lied to about the project. Her mission becomes to help Vicki however she can.
3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them
– Hero/Villain
– Hero/Red Herring Character
– Hero/Trust, but shouldn’t be
– Hero/Isn’t trusted, but should be
Hero/Villain – Vicki/Commander – Trust in the very beginning when Vicki believes the Commander’s sincerity that he’s there to close the project down. When Vicki witnesses his methods and command style, distrust remains until the end.
Hero/ Red Herring – Vicki/Red – When Vicki meets Red, he pretends to be an outcast like her, someone banished from the Commander’s team and she trusts him. Distrust occurs when his story has too many inconsistencies and she finds out he’s the drone pilot – the pilot whose drones have been chasing her through the tunnels.
Hero/Trust, but shouldn’t – Vicki/Camper Bob. Bob is not one of the captured campers, but pretends to be. He is looking to save his own skin at whatever the cost. And if that means turning in this young Forest Ranger, so be it.
Hero/Not trusted, but should be. Vicki knows Karen lied about work and how she can afford her new truck. To see her held captive softens Vicki’s initial feelings. Karen more than shows her true self-protecting Vicki from the Commander’s security team.
4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship and add them to your map.
Vicki/Commander
Trust – The Commander puts Vicki at ease representing himself as the new guy who’s going to clean up this mess
Distrust – The Commander sends his security team after Vicki.
Trust – Vicki is rescued from being pursued by robotic animals.
Distrust – The Commander interrogates Vicki
Trust – Vicki escapes
Distrust – Commander kills employee who let Vicki escape
Distrust – Vicki is shot and wounded by the Commander
Vicki/Red
Trust – Vicki meets Red in the tunnel, he points her in the right direction
Distrust – she ends up in the room with captives – and is caught herself
Trust – Red sticks up for Vicki
Distrust – he tells the Commander where he found her
Trust – he opens Vicki’s lock so she can escape.
Distrust – Red sends specialized drones to hunt Vicki down
Vicki/Camper Bob
Trust – Vicki finds Camper Bob held captive with 3 other humans
Distrust – Camper Bob says he speaks for the other campers. The other campers shake their head no.
Trust – Camper Bob saves Vicki from an attack drone
Distrust – for promised freedom, he gives up her position to the Commander
Trust – Camper Bob explains his plan to Vicki – how he’ll rescue her and the rest of the campers
Vicki/Karen
Distrust – Karen lies to Vicki about her new truck – and Vicki knows it
Trust – Karen helps Vicki with a Girl Scout troop presentation
Distrust – Karen makes judgmental comments to Vicki
Trust – Vicki finds Karen locked up with other prisoners
Distrust – Vicki does not believe Karen’s explanation
Trust – Karen creates a smokescreen allowing Vicki to escape detection
Trust – Karen shares information about how to escape
5. Give us the new version of your Thriller Map
Thriller Map
OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduces the lead character in action.
A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #1 – Are aliens real?
– What’s the source of UFO sightings?
– Sightings have occurred the past few weeks
– Videos on the internet
Villain’s Plan #1 – Ensure the project operates in anonymity.
Twist 1
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
Was that a UFO? Driving home, Vicki crashes her jeep interacting with a flying object.
Mystery #2 – Flashing Lights in the sky
Twist 2
LT #1 – Vicki momentarily blinded by light/lazar from flying object.
LT #2 – Spooked deer flee into the road, Vicki crashes jeep avoiding.
Twist 3
Mystery #3 – Systems affected
– Cell phone doesn’t work
– Car computer systems malfunction
Twist 4, 5
LT #3 – Vicki chased by wolves.
Mystery # 4 – Aberrant animal behavior
– Unnatural sounds
Villain’s Plan – #2 – Shut the project down and make it disappear in 24 hours.
Twist 6, 7
Villain’s Plan #3 – Dispose of all unwanted equipment.
– Moved to area of deepest shaft
– Explosive device wired.
Twist 8
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft – and follows.
Mystery #5 – Who is piloting the drone?’
– Who/what is in the abandoned mine?
LT #4 – Vicki climbs down a rotted ladder, it breaks and she’s barely able to hang on.
Vicki/Red
Trust – Vicki meets Red in the tunnel, he points her in the right direction
Distrust – she ends up in the room with captives – and is caught herself
Trust – Red sticks up for Vicki
Distrust – he tells the Commander where he found her
Trust – he opens Vicki’s lock so she can escape.
Distrust – Red sends specialized drones to hunt Vicki down
Mystery #6 – Who are these men?
– Why are they chasing Vicki?
– Why are they firing at her?
Twist 9
LT #5 – Vicki evades an armed security team pursuing her.
Twist 10
Mystery #7 – The Commander – who is this pesky intruder?
– Who is she?
– Who sent her?
– Why is she here?
– Is this the one who escaped detection/security?
Villain Plan #4 – Assess all witnesses
– Captured campers
– Disgruntled employees
– Forest Ranger
Vicki/Commander
Trust – The Commander puts Vicki at ease representing himself as the new guy who’s going to clean up this mess
Distrust – The Commander sends his security team after Vicki.
Trust – Vicki is rescued from being pursued by robotic animals.
Distrust – The Commander interrogates Vicki
Trust – Vicki escapes
Distrust – Commander kills employee who let Vicki escape
Distrust – Vicki is shot and wounded by the Commander
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
Vicki finds prisoners – people and animals in cages.
Mystery #8 – Why are there prisoners?
– Why are these people (campers) locked up?
– Why are animals in cages?
Vicki/Camper Bob
Trust – Vicki finds Camper Bob held captive with 3 other humans
Distrust – Camper Bob says he speaks for the other campers. The other campers shake their head no.
Trust – Camper Bob saves Vicki from an attack drone
Distrust – for promised freedom, he gives up her position to the Commander
Trust – Camper Bob explains his plan to Vicki – how he’ll rescue her and the rest of the campers
LT #6 – Shocked to find prisoners. Vicki can only free one before her pursuers. They escape.
LT #7 – The pursuers fire and the camper is killed/wounded.
Twist 11
LT #8 – Fleeing down a tunnel, Vicki can’t quite make the leap and tumbles down a hole and is hurt.
LT #9 – A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #9 – Who is responsible for this operation?
– Vicki meets the man in charge, the real Commander.
LT #10 – Vicki is brutally interrogated by the Commander.
LT #11 – A sympathetic techie allows Vicki to escape. The Commander shoots the techie on the spot.
Villain Plan #5 – Dispose all witnesses
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Vicki’s is shot and seriously wounded.
LT #12 – LT frees the rest of the campers under fire.
LT #13 – Vicki releases all the caged animals.
Mystery #10 – What is it about the exotic cat?
LT #14 – As security approaches, Vicki wraps herself around the exotic cat to protect – and Vicki’s shot.
Villain Plan #6 – Time to wrap it up and make it disappear.
Twist 12
Vicki/Karen
Distrust – Karen lies to Vicki about her new truck – and Vicki knows it
Trust – Karen helps Vicki with a Girl Scout troop presentation
Distrust – Karen makes judgmental comments to Vicki
Trust – Vicki finds Karen locked up with other prisoners
Distrust – Vicki does not believe Karen’s explanation
Trust – Karen creates a smokescreen allowing Vicki to escape detection
Trust – Karen shares information about how to escape
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
Aliens are real! The new iteration Vicki makes the Commander disappear.
Twist 13
LT #15 – The alien restores Vicki’s life with a few modifications.
Mystery #11 – What makes Vicki different?
– Will there be differences?
– Will they be easy to decipher?
Mystery #12 – What will this iteration of Vicki do to the Commander?
– Vicki approves aliens taking the Commander and the rest of his team with them – make them disappear.
RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
The escaped campers tell a story of Forest Ranger Vicki.
Mystery #13 – What happened to Vicki?
– Her life was restored – her flesh as well as her spirit. She is one ‘person’, but easily exists as two separate ‘people’/entities.
– Her physical self has been altered – aged, wiser yet with a younger walk.
– Known as the animal’s friend who’s always watching.
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Budinscak’s Twists and Turns – Day 9
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o Great way to keep the audience and the reader engaged
o Some of the twists happen naturally.
o Two ways to do it – start with a direction and add a twist, or start with the twist and create a direction that goes the opposite to it.
1. Read your Thriller Map and look for places to build in twists.
2. Use the 14 Types of Twists to brainstorm possible twists. Make sure they have the Current Direction/Twist pattern
Twist 1
Direction – Commander arrives anonymously
Twist – 2 different drones mirror the helicopter’s flight
Twist 2
Direction – Vicki drives down a quiet highway
Twist – a UFO flies near emitting a light that momentarily blinds Vicki
Twist 3
Direction – the UFO flies over a herd of grazing deer
Twist – the deer flee into the road causing Vicki to lose control of her vehicle
Twist 4
Direction – The UFO looks like a saucer
Twist – it’s a drone outfitted to look like a flying saucer
Twist 5
Direction – Vicki walks down highway, cell phone dead
Twist – chased by wolves
Twist 6
Direction – Vicki scurries up a tree for cover
Twist – wolves run by her to a small bush
Twist 7
Direction – the wolves are hunting
Twist – the wolves circle and protect exotic kittens
Twist 8
Direction – Vicki needs to go it alone, no added weight
Twist – she grabs the 2 kittens and brings them on the journey.
Twist 9
Direction – the Commander introduces himself to the operation
Twist – shoots the old ops manager to set the tone
Twist 10
Direction – Vicki evades human pursuers, stops to catch her breath
Twist – robotic animals pounce from around the corner
Twist 11
Direction – Vicki and a camper emerge from the mineshaft
Twist – the camper is shot dead.
Twist 12
Direction – Vicki is shot dead
Twist – the aliens reveal themselves and save Vicki’s lives
Twist 13
Direction – Vicki comes back to life
Twist – there are 2 Vicki’s – body and spirit
3. Tell us the places you added the twists.
Twists are reflected in the Thriller Map below
4. Include the new version of your Thriller Map
OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduces the lead character in action.
A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #1 – Are aliens real?
– What’s the source of UFO sightings?
– Sightings have occurred the past few weeks
– Videos on the internet
Villain’s Plan #1 – Ensure the project operates in anonymity.
Twist 1
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
Was that a UFO? Driving home, Vicki crashes her jeep interacting with a flying object.
Mystery #2 – Flashing Lights in the sky
Twist 2
LT #1 – Vicki momentarily blinded by light/lazar from flying object.
LT #2 – Spooked deer flee into the road, Vicki crashes jeep avoiding.
Twist 3
Mystery #3 – Systems affected
– Cell phone doesn’t work
– Car computer systems malfunction
Twist 4, 5
LT #3 – Vicki chased by wolves.
Mystery # 4 – Aberrant animal behavior
– Unnatural sounds
Villain’s Plan – #2 – Shut the project down and make it disappear in 24 hours.
Twist 6, 7
Villain’s Plan #3 – Dispose of all unwanted equipment.
– Moved to area of deepest shaft
– Explosive device wired.
Twist 8
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft – and follows.
Mystery #5 – Who is piloting the drone?’
– Who/what is in the abandoned mine?
LT #4 – Vicki climbs down a rotted ladder, it breaks and she’s barely able to hang on.
Mystery #6 – Who are these men?
– Why are they chasing Vicki?
– Why are they firing at her?
Twist 9
LT #5 – Vicki evades an armed security team pursuing her.
Twist 10
Mystery #7 – The Commander – who is this pesky intruder?
– Who is she?
– Who sent her?
– Why is she here?
– Is this the one who escaped detection/security?
Villain Plan #4 – Assess all witnesses
– Captured campers
– Disgruntled employees
– Forest Ranger
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
Vicki finds prisoners – people and animals in cages.
Mystery #8 – Why are there prisoners?
– Why are these people (campers) locked up?
– Why are animals in cages?
Mystery #9 – Who/what would do this and why?
LT #6 – Shocked to find prisoners. Vicki can only free one before her pursuers. They escape.
LT #7 – The pursuers fire and the camper is killed/wounded.
Twist 11
LT #8 – Fleeing down a tunnel, Vicki can’t quite make the leap and tumbles down a hole and is hurt.
LT #9 – A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #9 – Who is responsible for this operation?
– Vicki meets the man in charge, the Commander.
LT #10 – Vicki is brutally interrogated by the Commander.
LT #11 – A sympathetic techie allows Vicki to escape. The Commander shoots the techie on the spot.
Villain Plan #5 – Dispose all witnesses
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Vicki’s is shot and seriously wounded.
LT #12 – LT frees the rest of the campers under fire.
LT #13 – Vicki releases all the caged animals.
Mystery #10 – What is it about the exotic cat?
LT #14 – As security approaches, Vicki wraps herself around the exotic cat to protect – and Vicki’s shot.
Villain Plan #6 – Time to wrap it up and make it disappear.
Twist 12
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
Aliens are real! The new iteration Vicki makes the Commander disappear.
Twist 13
LT #15 – The alien restores Vicki’s life with a few modifications.
Mystery #11 – What makes Vicki different?
– Will there be differences?
– Will they be easy to decipher?
Mystery #12 – What will this iteration of Vicki do to the Commander?
– Vicki approves aliens taking the Commander and the rest of his team with them – make them disappear.
RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
The escaped campers tell a story of Forest Ranger Vicki.
Mystery #13 – What happened to Vicki?
– Her life was restored – her flesh as well as her spirit. She is one ‘person’, but easily exists as two separate ‘people’/entities.
– Her physical self has been altered – aged, wiser yet with a younger walk.
– Known as the animal’s friend who’s always watching.
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Budinscak’s Thriller Plot – Day 8
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o Great tool to keep your thoughts in order and get them on the page.
o I am horrible with outlines – and I’m really looking forward to the next few days.
o Getting the essence of your story on paper, flesh it out, build it up – and I haven’t written one word of the script.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
Three Act Structure
2. What other potential dangers could your hero experience as they try
Inside your structure, fill in the gaps with the Life Threatening situations, Mysteries and the Villain’s plan.
OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduces the lead character in action.
A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #1 – Are aliens real?
– What’s the source of UFO sightings?
– Sightings have occurred the past few weeks
– Videos on the internet
Villain’s Plan #1 – Ensure the project operates in anonymity.
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
Was that a UFO? Driving home, Vicki crashes her jeep interacting with a flying object.
Mystery #2 – Flashing Lights in the sky
LT #1 – Vicki momentarily blinded by light from flying object.
LT #2 – Spooked deer flee into the road, Vicki crashes jeep avoiding.
Mystery #3 – Systems affected
– Cell phone doesn’t work
– Car computer systems malfunction
LT #3 – Vicki chased by wolves.
Mystery # 4 – Aberrant animal behavior
– Unnatural sounds
Villain’s Plan – #2 – Shut the project down and make it disappear in 24 hours.
Villain’s Plan #3 – Dispose of all unwanted equipment.
– Moved to area of deepest shaft
– Explosive device wired.
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft – and follows.
Mystery #5 – Who is piloting the drone?’
– Who/what is in the abandoned mine?
LT #4 – Vicki climbs down a rotted ladder, it breaks and she’s barely able to hang on.
Mystery #6 – Who are these men?
– Why are they chasing Vicki?
– Why are they firing at her?
LT #5 – Vicki evades an armed security team pursuing her.
Mystery #7 – The Commander – who is this pesky intruder?
– Who is she?
– Who sent her?
– Why is she here?
– Is this the one who escaped detection/security?
Villain Plan #4 – Assess all witnesses
– Captured campers
– Disgruntled employees
– Forest Ranger
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
Vicki finds prisoners – people and animals in cages.
Mystery #8 – Why are there prisoners?
– Why are these people (campers) locked up?
– Why are animals in cages?
Mystery #9 – Who/what would do this and why?
LT #6 – Shocked to find prisoners. Vicki can only free one before her pursuers. They escape.
LT #7 – The pursuers fire and the camper is killed/wounded.
LT #8 – Fleeing down a tunnel, Vicki can’t quite make the leap and tumbles down a hole and is hurt.
LT #9 – A bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic animal.
Mystery #9 – Who is responsible for this operation?
– Vicki meets the man in charge, the Commander.
LT #10 – Vicki is brutally interrogated by the Commander.
LT #11 – A sympathetic techie allows Vicki to escape. The Commander shoots the techie on the spot.
Villain Plan #5 – Dispose all witnesses
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Vicki’s is shot and seriously wounded.
LT #12 – LT frees the rest of the campers under fire.
LT #13 – Vicki releases all the caged animals.
Mystery #10 – What is it about the exotic cat?
LT #14 – As security approaches, Vicki wraps herself around the exotic cat to protect – and Vicki’s shot.
Villain Plan #6 – Time to wrap it up and make it disappear.
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
Aliens are real! The new iteration Vicki makes the Commander disappear.
LT #15 – The alien restores Vicki’s life with a few modifications.
Mystery #11 – What makes Vicki different?
– Will there be differences?
– Will they be easy to decipher?
Mystery #12 – What will this iteration of Vicki do to the Commander?
– Vicki approves aliens taking the Commander and the rest of his team with them – make them disappear.
RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
The escaped campers tell a story of Forest Ranger Vicki.
Mystery #13 – What happened to Vicki?
– Her life was restored – her flesh as well as her spirit. She is one ‘person’, but easily exists as two separate ‘people’/entities.
– Her physical self has been altered – aged, wiser yet with a younger walk.
– Known as the animal’s friend who’s always watching.
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Budinscak’s Life Threatening Sequence – Day 7
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o Put your hero in danger at least by page 10.
o Keep your hero’s life in danger and constantly ratchet it up.
o The sequences form great components of an outline.
1. What is the villain’s plan and how does that put the hero in danger?’
The villain was brought in specifically to shut this operation down and make it disappear. Anyone who gets in the way of the villain or his mission will disappear as well. They will be eliminated.
2. What other potential dangers could your hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the villain?
The hero will chased by drones, terrorized by mechanical ‘animals’, tracked by mercenaries, be lost in a maze of underground tunnels and an old mine.
3. From the potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.
From the list of potential dangers – threats, lured into a dangerous situation, closeness to the villain, trapped, people around them will be hurt or die, stalked, under surveillance, pursued by thugs, weapons.
4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for the Basic Instinct above.
Opening scene – a bruised, exhausted Vicki collapses at the feet of a robotic dog. (This scene shows up in Act 3).
While driving home, Vicki is momentarily blinded by an intense light from a flying object.
The object spooks a herd of deer, the animals rush into the road. Vicki crashes her jeep avoiding them.
Walking from the accident, Vicki is chased by wolves.
Vicki watches a drone fly into an abandoned mine shaft and she follows. She climbs down a rotted old ladder and it breaks – she barely hangs on.
She is pursued by a security team in the mineshaft’s tunnels. She is able to evade them.
Vicki happens upon captured campers. She’s able to free one before her pursuers appear. Vicki escapes, but the camper is shot and killed.
While escaping, Vicki races down a hill and jumps over a large hole, but she doesn’t make it. She falls and hurts herself.
Bruised and exhausted, Vicki wakes at the feet of a robotic dog. (Opening scene)
Vicki is interrogated by our villain, the Commander. She’s let go by a sympathetic techie. The Commander shoots him on the spot for helping her escape.
While Vicki frees the rest of the campers, security shoots at them.
Vicki stumbles upon a group of caged animals – and she lets them all go. As shots ricochet around her she wraps her body around exotic looking kittens to protect them.
Vicki is shot and seriously wounded. An unexpected source saves her life.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Budinscak’s Mystery Sequence – Day 6
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o This lesson produced a nice curveball from my original thoughts – making the current villain the red herring.
o Great way to incorporate ideas and into meaningful scenes – getting to the essence of what you’re conveying.
o How mystery shows up: writer strategy is secret, then cover up. Audience experience is cover up then secret.
o A mystery is the villain’s secret.
1. What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
The Commander is brought in to complete the dismantling of a secret project that no long operates in complete anonymity. When he exits tomorrow morning, there will be no trace the project ever existed. Nothing. Regardless of the cost.
2. How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.
UFO sightings, reports of strange/weird animals, anonymous vehicles showing up, partnerships, malcontent employee(s), a pesky intruder.
3. The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.
The mystery our hero – Vicki – initially undertakes is getting to the source of the UFO sightings. Her Jeep is literally swept off the road by a herd of deer in escape mode.
4. Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.
What’s the source of the UFO sightings?
What are the reports of weird animals?
Who can be trusted?
Who is the pesky intruder?
5. Create a mystery chain for each main mystery.
What’s the source of the UFO sightings?
Sightings occurred over the past few weeks
Late night drone “drops and deliveries”
Unplanned drone flights
Cell phone outages
Flashing lights in the sky
Vehicle electrical systems have shut down
What are these weird animals?
Aberrant animal behaviors
Wild and farm/ranch animals restless and on edge
Reports of 6-legged animals running around the hills
Unnatural sounds at night
A videos show up on the internet
Who can be trusted?
Current staff of consultants includes some bad people
Captured campers/cave explorers
Partners – with local forest ranger department
Team brought with the Commander
Malcontents employees
Who is the pesky intruder?
Did a villain’s enemy sneak in
A competitor send in one of its own
Disgruntled employee
Local law enforcement, forest ranger
Something alien
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Budinscak’s Villain Has A Great Plan – Day 5
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o This method provides a nice outline to ‘tell’ your hero’s story.
o Nice to freelance and concoct the bad guy’s world and how your hero will adjust to or conquer it.
o I have a good idea of the beginning and the end of the story, and the points to hit in between…. I hope.
1. What is the end goal?
The villain’s end goal is to complete the dismantling of the project and make it disappear, like it never existed.
2. How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?
The villain will utilize his private security team and technology (cameras, drones and mechanical ‘animals’) to covertly ship out the remaining pieces of equipment and to permanently dispose of what’s left – including any witnesses, like the campers
3. How can they cover it up?
The villain and his team will bury whatever – and whoever – is left into an abandoned mine shaft and detonate a small explosive device to permanently seal the mine and any evidence of the project’s existence.
4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
o Review and ensure the project is operating in anonymity*
o Dispose of any employees with questionable loyalties
o The Villain will manage transporting out the last remaining ‘wanted’ equipment.
o The Villain will handle the demolition of old, not wanted equipment.
o He will get rid of all witnesses**
o Captured campers/cave explorers
o Forest Ranger ‘partner’.
o He will rid the area of any trace of existence.
o Detonate a small explosive device to permanently seal their operation area and make it seem as though it never existed.
o He and his remaining forces
* – It’s at this point the villain is aware of Vicki’s presence on the outside of the mountain.
** – Right about here is where he’s made aware of a pesky intruder – Vicki is inside the villain’s protected area of operation.
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Budinscak’s SOTL Stacking Suspense – Day 4
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o I initially had problems defining Mystery from Intrigue from Suspense, but I had a much better understanding after completing the exercise from “SILENCE OF THE LAMBS”.
o A much different movie than “BASIC INSTINCT” to chart the MIS.
o Great exercise. I have a much better idea what to look for and add to my script.
Excellent surprises and twists in the movie. Tough but worthwhile exercise.
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Budinscak’s Basic Instinct Stacking Suspense – Day 4
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
o The presence of most of the thriller elements during every scene.
o Every scene has a purpose. Weaving MIS throughout the story – including dialog – builds a taut story line.
o Sharon Stone’s performance was exceptional.
o How much more impactful we can make any scene by employing MIS, and spreading those principles throughout the script.
o I learned a lot about the movie I hadn’t noticed earlier watching it this way. Having Hal’s handout and analysis was crucial for me.
o Impressive Nick survived Catherine’s and Beth’s worlds. Helluva movie that withstands the test of time (30+ years)
o I appreciated the subtler applications of MIS in Basic Instinct – from the world, characters and dialog – that I hadn’t noticed until reviewing Hal’s handout.
o Many questions, many twists, many surprises. It kept you guessing even at the end of the movie with the ice pick shot. Tremendous.
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Budinscak’s World and Characters – Day 3
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
This exercise helps to formulate character traits. It gives them a voice and behavior for their ‘new’ world. Tying MIS into each scene – effective new approach.
Logline:
Following up on UFO sightings, a rookie Forest Ranger stumbles upon a clandestine operation where she must fall back on her Girl Scout training to survive the night.
1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big MIS of your story.
Big Mystery – Will Vicki, a rookie forest ranger, survive the night? Will she rescue imprisoned animals and campers?
Big Intrigue – Vicki stumbles into a world the Commander is quickly dismantling – it’s as if the operation never existed – and that includes any witnesses.
Big Suspense – How will Vicki evade the Commander and his force of humans and technology, specifically when she’s in their environment?
2. Tell the intriguing World you have selected for this story.
Beneath the beautiful hills Vicki patrols, lies a long-closed mine secretly converted into a labyrinth of dirt tunnels and concrete tracks, a hidden and claustrophobic world. The perfect setting for black ops.
A brutal mercenary is tasked with eliminating all evidence a covert operation ever existed, including the elimination of all witnesses.
3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:
Hero – Vicki
Mystery – What is this operation she discovers and who’s chasing her?
Intrigue – How will the outdoorsy Vicki operate in the Commander’s underground, high-tech world?
Suspense – How will she escape detection and capture as the operation is dismantled around her?
Villain – Commander
Mystery – Will he succeed in his mission? Will he keep his promise to eliminate all witnesses?
Intrigue – He must dismantle his covert operation and deal with what’s left – the trash, some animals, captured campers and a pesky Forest Ranger.
Suspense – Will he capture Vicki and make everything and everyone disappear?
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Budinscak Big MIS
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
How defining/refining the story at this level makes for a much better first draft. I can see the essential elements falling into place. Exciting to craft a story from this perspective – it’s brand new for me.
Logline:
Following up on UFO sightings, a rookie Forest Ranger stumbles upon a clandestine operation where she falls back on all her Girl Scout training to survive the night.
1. What are the conventions of your story?
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero – Forest Ranger Vicki. She’s an upbeat rookie who relies ‘almost’ exclusively on her extensive Girl Scout training to navigate life’s challenges.
Dangerous Villain – the Commander. A prick who leads a small, select force – both human and technology – winding down a very secret and profitable operation.
High Stakes – The Commander will eliminate anything or anyone who’s viewed this operation. He promises to make a group of captured campers disappear.
Life and Death Situations: Vicki’s dead colleague, her boss, the captured campers, caged animals.
The Story is Thrilling Because: Vicki faces increasingly complex obstacles to overcome to save herself, then has to find another gear to save the animals and humans while evading capture.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story.
Big Mystery – Will Forest Ranger Vicki survive the night?
Big Intrigue – the Commander will stop at nothing to neatly wind down the operation and make it disappear like it was never there.
Big Suspense – to survive, she must evade humans, the mechanized animals on the ground, the specially outfitted drones above and the UFO high in the sky.
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POLAR Thriller Conventions
What I learned Doing This Assignment:
How quickly the story unfolded. The mystery, intrigue and suspense is offered up right away and it didn’t leave a lot for the viewer’s imagination. What I really learned – even bad thriller movies have all the necessary components.
1. I picked “POLAR”, a Netflix action thriller. It wasn’t a very good movie at all, but it did fit our model. Really, don’t waste your time watching it.
2. Conventions of the story:
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Duncan Vizla, aka the Black Kaiser, an assassin being pushed into his retirement as he approaches his 50th birthday. He is the organization’s lead assassin.
Dangerous Villain: Mr. Blut, the head of Damocles, an organization of nefarious pursuits, one of which is the employment of assassins. Mr. Blut wants Duncan dead.
High Stakes: Dozens of people killed and thousands of bullets fired by hired killers trying to assassinate Duncan, and they die trying.
Life and Death Situations: Opening scene ‘hit’ of a retired assassin, Duncan’s killings, torture scenes, a fumbled assassination, and the multi-dozens killed trying to stop Duncan from reaching Mr. Blut.
The Movie is Thrilling Because: it wasn’t thrilling. I like the actors Mads Mikkelson and Katheryn Winnick and my expectations were far beyond what this had to offer. Senseless.
3. Mystery, Intrigue and Suspense
Big Mystery: Was Duncan going to be able to stay alive and receive his retirement?
Big Intrigue: Duncan’s employer was killing its employees before they could retire. In their contracts, the company was the designated beneficiary, and if the employee died before the payout (50th birthday) – the money went back to the company.
Big Suspense: If Duncan would get killed. And then it became how many people was he going to kill.
4. Anything Else to Say About What Made This Movie Great
Duncan Vizla is no John Wick. Excellent actors, ambivalent characters, tough to watch.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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My name is John Budinscak and I recently graduated from Hal’s Pro Series class, PS80. I’ve written a couple of scripts, but never a thriller. I was energized by the Pro Series class and am looking forward to exploring the thriller genre. I’m retired
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John Budinscak. I agree to the terms of this release form
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Budinscak’s Career Plan
Day 12
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The importance of patience.
o The reality of ‘wants’ and ‘needs’.
o Making the goal to ‘write everyday’ a reality.
o Build a library of scripts that represent who you are and what you want to be known for.
o It’s okay to fail if you learn from it and can move on.
o It’s fun to write in creative mode, it’s tough to shut off edit mode.
CAREER PLAN:
A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next 6 months? Sell a script – simple as that …. And easier said than done! The script I’ve been writing during the class is many times better that what I was producing/writing on my own. The characters, story, hooks, setups/payoffs – all the lessons – have a material impact on this script. Also, I’m committing to write an hour a day. But what I’ve learned from the class is the importance of identifying high concepts and not wasting my time writing without direction.
B. What are you going to do to elevate quality? First off, I’m doing something I loathe – outlining. Establishing the essence of a scene, it’s place in a story and staying clear of story details. Secondly, to write in creative/first draft mode sans edit persona. T.O.T.E. – with classmates here and members of my local writing group for feedback. Lastly, ask for one person’s input/critique at time, update the story/letter/etc, then send off to the second person. Repeat.
C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts? I’ve written 3 scripts, including this one. Candidly, one is pretty shitty, but the other 2 have potential. I also have outlines on two others, with one that could be defined as high concept. As I learned here, think before you write. Emotion’s good, focused emotion is great.
D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)? I enjoy thriller and horror genres, but I find I lean to quirky characters, witty dialog, full character arcs.
E. How are you going to build a stronger network? My first step is to become active and introduce myself. I’ll look to connect with those looking for similar things – characters, genre, stories. I’ll be the one to initiate contact – pass along a compliment, congrats, words of encouragement – offer value as a contact and not just an increase in headcount. My first action will be to contact Hal and PSA.
F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business? You’ve laid the groundwork for me and the onus is on me to implement it. Follow the industry, make contacts with producers, work – and complete – quality projects/stories. I’m out of state, but I can be anywhere on short notice.
G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing? I’m going to polish my script and seek a script consultant’s opinion on where it stands. While that’s happening, network smartly to identify the right contacts. If the script’s ready, I’ll know where to market it and how. If it’s not ready, I know what to fix. Above all, remain patient, write every day on quality subjects/stories.
Hal, any recommendations on script consultants?
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Budinscak Knows T.O.T.E.
Day 11
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The importance of patience. Don’t send anything out until you’ve been convinced it’s ready.
o Having a strong network helps produce quality work.
o Know and grow your network. Offer help before asking for assistance.
o Don’t be afraid to read something one more time. Always better to read it one more time than one less time.
T.O.T.E.
Script: I’ve completed a first draft and received feedback from my partner – I’ve incorporated their comments and insights into my story. Also, during the various lessons I tried to pick different scenes/scenarios to up the ante on conflict, dialog and scenes as well as the writing. I’m looking forward to implementing all the changes, update the story and send it to my network for feedback. I will use the suggested process of sending it to one person at a time and update the script based on their input. Then send the revised work to a second person in the network, update the story based on their feedback, etc. After I’m comfortable, send it to a script consultant for coverage. Based on the feedback, I’ll have a coveted ‘Recommend’ or what I need to do to get there. Once there – Recommend – I’ll enter contests, InkTip and Virtual Pitchfest to draw interest. I’ll also research those producers in my genre, the directors they’ve worked with previously, etc for a targeted marketing campaign.
Query Letters: I will utilize the same philosophy and process. Nothing goes out until I’m comfortable with it OR I’ve been convinced it’s ready to go. I’ll seek critiques from my PS80 classmates as well as members of my local writing groups. My goal is to fine tune its content and message to draw the attention of producers, agents and/or A-list actors.
Building My Network: I need to be much more active than I’ve been previously. First step is to update my social media presence, and I plan to have that done within the next week. I also need to reach out to my network, offer assistance wherever and whenever possible, and establish myself as approachable, easy to work with and someone who delivers a quality product, on time, on budget. Given that I live out of state, I need a solid network to facilitate opening a few doors – that and exceptional writing.
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Budinscak Query Letter Draft ONE
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Keep it simple – short and sweet – and use your hooks.
REQUEST FOR CRITIQUE EXCHANGE
Producer,
In 1988, two preteen nephews are forever changed after a cross-country trip with their Uncle Jack in his Cadillac.
Questioned by a local crime boss, Jack denies he saw the body bag move – he did – and lies about stealing money – he was, he’s then presented with a choice; either personally deliver a package or Carmine’s, his family’s restaurant, will perish in a fire. Jack agrees to make the delivery.
The trip to Atlantic City is a breeze from upstate NY, no problem at all. What Jack didn’t realize the package is going to Burbank, as in California. And he never realized the surprise hiding on the floor in the backseat – two pesky stowaway nephews. Past the point of no return and with no other options, Jack decides to bring the boys along for the journey. How tough can it be?
During the wild trip to save the restaurant, Jack dispenses life’s lessons to his nephews, and learns a thing or two about family himself in this coming of age story.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send it to you.
I appreciate and respect your time, thank you.
Sincerely,
John Budinscak
Email – docbuda@aol.com
Cell – 813-453-2413
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Budinscak Query Letter
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o My last post on Hooks should have read Budinscak Has Too Many Hooks. What started as hooks ended up as an outline – my bad.
o But there is a silver lining as I found the answer to an evasive question on a character’s back-story.
Producer,
In 1988, two preteen nephews are forever changed after a cross-country trip with their Uncle Jack in his Cadillac.
After denying he saw the body bag move – he did – and lying he wasn’t stealing money from a local crime boss – he was, Jack is presented with an option. As a favor, he’s asked to personally deliver a package or Carmine’s, his family’s restaurant, will perish in a fire. Jack agrees to make the delivery.
The trip to Atlantic City is a breeze from upstate NY, no problem at all. What Jack didn’t realize the package is going to Burbank, as in California. And he never realized the surprise hiding on the floor in the backseat – two pesky, stowaway nephews.
During the wild trip to save the restaurant, Jack dispenses life’s lessons to his nephews, and learns a thing or two about family himself.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send it to you.
John Budinscak
Email – docbuda@aol.com
Cell – 813-453-2413
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Budinscak Has Lot of Hooks
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Story and Character hooks drive your pitch.
o Hooks create curiosity for the reader/audience.
o Very interesting exercise. Tough to stay out of ‘edit’ mode while going through the script for hooks.
Characters:
Jack: 1, 2, 7, 24, 29, 34, 37, 41, 52, 65, 79, 91
Don Vito: 10, 11, 12, 21, 86, 87, 91
Puck: 4, 18, 43, 52, 64, 72, 85, 89, 96
Sal: 4, 17, 18, 42, 52, 85, 96
Hooks:
1- Jack, lead character, moves gracefully around the kitchen – he’s a natural.
2- Jack talks to a matronly portrait of his dead mother in the kitchen. He tells her stole money, but he’s going to do good with it. And he’s going to change for real this time … just one more job.
3- Jack slices a loaf of Italian bread in half with one spin of his knife. He stuffs a wad of cash inside.
4- Jack doesn’t hide his dislike for his nephews. Puck, a dweeb in a backpack and Sal, a sneaky little shit.
5- The kitchen radio switches from music to a news bulletin – a key informant against organized crime has disappeared.
6- Jack steps outside to the dumpster and watches a hearse unload a very active body bag. As Jack sneaks away, he steps on a cat’s tail – the cat’s scream alerts the men unloading the hearse.
7- Jack slides a saucer of milk outside for the cat.
8- The Bank Ride
9- Jack grabs the bread labeled ‘FH’ and heads to the funeral home across the parking lot where he meets Don Vito.
10- Don Vito, a snake’s snake, accuses Jack of seeing something he shouldn’t have outside (unloading of the body bag) and Jack denies it completely, even after Don Vito produces the milk saucer.
11- Don Vito accuses Jack of stealing from him, and Jack denies it completely.
12- Don Vito, aka ‘the Weatherman’, asks for a favor: Jack has to deliver a package for Don Vito and in return, Jack’s family’s restaurant won’t burn to the ground from a lightning strike.
13- After Jack accepts and leaves, Don Vito calls a number, “We have anther guest to the party. That makes four.”
14- The next morning, a special cooler is added to the trunk of Jack’s Cadillac.
15- Jack and his friend, Chick, question why Puck constantly wears a backpack.
16- Chick gives Jack drugs and a gun for the trip.
17- Sal convinces Puck to lie to their aunt so they can sneak a ride with their uncle to Atlantic City.
18- While in the funeral home, Sal convinces Puck to get in a casket – then closes the lid on him. Puck screams.
19- The boys hide in the back of the Cadillac.
20- Jack finds out he’s traveling to Burbank, CA and not to Atlantic City, NJ.
21- Subtly, Don Vito lets on he knows of Jack’s friend, LC.
22- Jack wakes up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute, IN and finds out he’s got company – Puck and Sal.
23- Meet Jack’s friend, Lincoln Clogs, LC.
24- Jack lays out the ground rules to his nephews – Jack’s in charge and there will be no questions.
25- Jack discusses his options with LC – leave the boys, drop them off at the bus terminal, take them with him.
26- LC gives Jack a tour of the business – PZN – Psychic Zealots Network – psychic readings over the phone for money.
27- Jack calls Don Vito as the Don requested. He tells Jack to stop by the Platinum restaurant
28- FBI shows up and sniffs around Carmine’s restaurant looking for Jack.
29- Jack and the boys pull into the Platinum restaurant and Jack shares his thoughts about how he knows the food isn’t very good here. The first of many lessons.
30- As the Caddy exits the Platinum parking lot, a man on a phone with “Love” and “Hate” tattoos on his fingers hangs up a phone, hops in a truck and follows Jack.
31- The boys fight in the back, Jack loses control of himself and his Caddy – pulled over by a state trooper. And Jack lies through his teeth.
32- The boys see a trucker on the road and wave for him to blow his horn. It’s then we see the tattoos on his hand and realize it’s someone following Jack, Puck and Sal.
33- The Caddy speeds up, the truck speeds up. Jack pulls off into rest stop.
34- Jack gets the boys something to eat in the rest stop, sprinkles drugs on their food to knock them out. He makes the sign of the cross and asks God forgiveness – “I won’t do that again …. Unless I really need to.
35- Jack pours ice into the cooler in the trunk and they’re on their way.
36- The boys sleep, Jack speeds up and passes a tractor trailer cab on the side of the road. When the Caddy passes, the driver hops in and follows Jack.
37- Jack notices the boys move back and forth when Jack weaves the Cadillac down the road – he does it on purpose.
38- Jack notices headlights in the rearview mirror keeping pace with his Cadillac. He speeds up, the headlights pick up speed. He slows down, the vehicle behind maintains its distance.
39- Jack pulls into a rest stop, checks on the boys – they sleep – grabs his gun and gets out of the car. He stays in the shadows looking for the vehicle that tails him.
40- Jack swaps his license plate with another vehicle and gets back on the road.
41- Jack drives on the shoulder of the road bouncing the Caddy around and waking up the boys. They pull into a truck stop in Oklahoma City.
42- Jack, Puck and Sal eat, then Jack heads outside looking for the vehicle following them.
43- The boys go to the bathroom and a trucker traps Puck in a bathroom stall. Sal runs to get Uncle Jack.
44- Jack confronts and subdues the trucker leaving the man bloodied on the bathroom.
45- Sal makes a comment about the waitress and Jack doesn’t like it. Another lesson taught.
46- Jack and the boys leave the truck stop and exit in their Cadillac. A van follows – the driver’s “Love” & “Hate” hand tattoos are visible.
47- In the Caddy, Jack stops Sal right before he does something mean to Puck. Jack has Sal jump in the front seat and teaches him a recipe.
48- As the Cadillac rolls down the road, Jack teaches Sal a trick to remember recipes. Not far behind, a van keeps pace running dark (no headlights) and silent.
49- Jack again notices vehicle following. Pulls off road and waits – nothing.
50- Jack pulls in rest area with boys asleep, parks in secluded area and grabs his gun. Jack searches for vehicle following him and finds it – empty.
51- Jack scrambles back to his Caddy – empty. A twig snaps, Jack stays in the shadows and draws his weapon – it’s the boys.
52- Jack screams at Sal and Puck for leaving the car. The boys break down, Puck whimpers – Jack goes off. He pulls over, jumps out and apologizes … kinda.
53- Jack checks in from Amarillo, but lies to Cat that he’s in Atlantic City. She wants to speak with the boys, he says they’re in the shower. She questions, he hangs up.
54- FBI says they’re rendezvousing in Vegas and pursuing Jack.
55- Jack teaches the boys a car game – R T B – Rate That Babe. A fun lesson for the boys.
56- On the way to Vegas, Jack and Puck play a driving game – Jack pretends to sleep and Puck steers the Caddy.
57- Sal spots a helicopter above the Caddy – Jack pulls off into a rest area. Jack swaps license plates.
58- The vehicle shadowing them pulls in as well. The tattooed driver subtly swaps keys with another individual – and he enters a flat bed tow truck.
59- Jack pulls into the back of a large parking lot in Las Vegas and falls asleep. The tow truck parks away, but in line of sight for its driver.
60- They enter Las Vegas and meet Jack’s Cadillac’s doppelganger.
61- Inside their hotel, they meet Julio, LC’s friend and singer in a knock-off band.
62- Jack buys the boys cloths and tries to sneak them in the casino – they’re tossed before they enter.
63- The trio head to Circus Circus, the boys ‘gamble’ upstairs, Jack gambles downstairs. The boys win, Jack loses.
64- The boys win ‘diamond’ rings and offer it to their uncle to help with expenses. The move hits Jack in the heart – he melts a little.
65- Jack tells the boys how Chick got his nickname and determines the boys have never seen a naked lady – he orders one for the room. The boys hide in the closet.
66- The lady arrives and undresses when there’s a knock at the door. The door bursts open – FBI.
67- The woman flees, the FBI shakes down Jack even stealing the rest of Jack’s money – and Puck records everything hiding in the closet.
68- Flat broke, Jack devises a plan to get cash – rob the wedding where Julio’s band plays. Another lesson for the boys, but not a good one.
69- The concierge sends the FBI on a goose chase following the doppelganger Caddy. The FBI misses Jack, Puck and Sal wearing blond afro wigs sitting in the lobby.
70- Jack loads dry ice in the cooler before Jack’s Caddy sneaks out in a different direction. It’s followed by the flatbed tow truck.
71- The FBI overtakes the wrong Cadillac and find they’ve been misled. They take over a helicopter and fly off to the route to Burbank.
72- Jack and the boys get in an argument about why Jack dislikes them – it’s the Bank Ride says Puck.
73- Flashback to the Bank Ride.
74- The dry ice melts and CO permeates the Caddy’s interior. It knocks everyone out.
75- Puck and Sal imagine themselves as cowboys riding galloping horses in the desert. That’s what it feels like as the Caddy rides the road’s shoulder and bounces all around.
76- The flatbed tow truck pulls alongside the Caddy and the driver sees everyone passed out. Up ahead, a steep embankment.
77- The tow truck slams into the Caddy and jostles Jack’s foot off the gas. The truck hits the front of the Cadillac causing it to roll to a stop.
78- Jack awakens as the tow truck driver pulls him free. The driver was sent by LC to be Jack’s guardian angel.
79- The boys are still knocked out and Jack looks to the sky and promises to be a the best version of himself …. And Sal stirs. Jack tries to take it back.
80- Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and finds the recording device. He listens and hears the FBI’s confession. He kisses the forehead of the still passed out Puck.
81- The Caddy is loaded on the tow truck and covered with a tarp. They evade the FBI commandeered helicopter.
82- The flatbed rolls into Hollywood. Jack and the boys take in famous sites before arriving at their destination – another funeral home owned by a brother of Don Vito.
83- The ice cream containers are brought to a dark room with 4 chairs. A headless mannequin sits in one of the chairs.
84- Jack and the boys are separated. A Don Vito henchman leads the boys by the casket display room.
85- Puck bets Sal the henchman couldn’t squeeze in a casket, the goon says he can. He takes off his jacket and hands the boys his gun before he slips in the coffin. Puck closes the lid, Sal locks it.
86- Don Vito tells Jack his cargo was a macguffin – a dummy container, a ruse to draw the FBI to Burbank.
87- The FBI are caught outside and brought to the room. All the chairs are now filled – Don Vito oozes confidence during his rant. He tells Jack he lied and is going to burn Carmine’s to the ground.
88- The boys hear a noise and hide in the display room. Angel finds them and the sneak to the room with their uncle.
89- Sal diverts Don Vito’s attention as Puck comes in a different door in the room. He tells the Don that “this is about me, my cousin and my uncle – it’s about family.
90- Before any of Don Vito’s goons can pull their weapons, Angel enters and loads a slug into his shotgun. Everyone stops immediately.
91- The bad guys are led to the casket display room and locked in caskets. Don Vito asks Jack for forgiveness. Jack punches the old man in the face and knocks him out.
92- Jack leaves the recording of the FBI’s confession on top of the casket and calls the police. He fires a weapon to get LAPD there quicker.
93- Angel takes Jack and the boys to LAX. Jack tells Angel to keep the Caddy – it’s yours. My tip for your services.
94- Jack, Puck and Sal take a redeye to JFK
95- The trio sleep on benches outside the gate of Puck and Sal’s moms. The mothers find their kids.
96- Jack drives a Lincoln and his sisters (Sal’s mom and Puck’s mom) ask where’s the Caddy – Jack spins a tale. The mothers question Jack, but the boys cover for him.
97- The mothers notice a change in their sons, but Jack admits to nothing.
98- When the arrive home, the fire department is at Carmine’s. A lightning strike hit the restaurant, but nothing happened.
99- Cat runs out to take a picture for the wall and snaps one of Puck and Sal looking adoringly at their uncle. “Where’s your Caddy?” Jack – “it’s a long story I’ll bore you with sometime.”
100- The picture goes from 1988 to present and everyone is there. Jack has told the story of the Atlantic City Trip.
101- Everyone goes outside and it’s a big party, a RE-union and it’s year 30+.
102- Everyone in the movie is at the party and everyone has a great time.
103- The last thing you see and hear – the boys saluting their uncle with Circus Circus shot glasses – and Jack telling Puck and Sal that he loves them.
104- As the credits roll, “FIB Cleaning” comes in to pick up the mess from the reunion. It’s the disgraced FBI guys – Jack pays them with cash in a paper bag – “just like old times”.
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Budinscak Logline and One-Sentence Pitch
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Short and sweet, less is more, intriguing and not confusing – loglines.
o The importance of finding the right words.
o Simply and subtly convey your story as well as your biggest hook.
Original Logline:
A sly gangster teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from destruction.
Loglines:
1A. A sly gangster agrees to deliver a package to Burbank to save his family’s restaurant never realizing his two preteen nephews are stowaways.
1B. To save his family’s restaurant, a slick gangster agrees to deliver a package, but little did he know his two preteen stowaway nephews were along for the ride.
1C. After agreeing to deliver a package cross-country in exchange to save his family’s restaurant, a sly gangster teaches his two stowaway nephews critical lessons about life.
Tagline:
Who doesn’t have a crazy uncle?
Pitch:
Biggest hooks: Great role for a bankable actor AND True – Inspired by a true story.
Pitch:
“Stand By Me” in a car with a crazy uncle.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt just said it about “Uber, Super Pumped”, “slick hair plus a gift of gab plus questionable ethics equals fun as hell to play.”
Coming of age story for the nephews as well as the uncle as he goes from heel to hero.
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Budinscak Marketable Components
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Introducing the excitement – creating the pitch.
o No one knows your story better than you – know how to market it.
o Business Hooks and Story/Character Hooks make your story marketable.
Logline:
A sly gangster teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from destruction.
Tagline:
Who doesn’t have a favorite uncle?
Isn’t the crazy uncle your favorite one?
Marketability Components:
Great role for a bankable actor
True – Inspired by a trip I took as a twelve year old.
Pitch:
I’d work in this quote from Joseph Gordon-Levitt about his current role in “Super Pumped: The Battle For Uber” – “slick hair plus a gift of gab plus questionable ethics equals fun as hell to play.”
I’ll pitch it’s a coming of age story for the uncle as much as the nephews.
The selected actor will have poetic license as he runs the gamut of emotions going from heel to hero.
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Budinscak Is Expanding His Network
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I have no social media presence whatsoever.
o Above will be addressed as the first part of my 60-day plan.
o The absolute need to be realistic given all the variables, priorities and commitments. Be realistic and be prepared.
10 Actions:
o Develop a professional presence on social media by updating my Linkedin profile. Link to ScreenwritingU.
o Open a Twitter account. Link to ScreenwritingU.
o Finish polishing my script and submit it to a noted Hollywood script coverage/consulting firm.
o I need a ‘recommend’ from noted script coverage firm to push open a few doors.
o Research Producers/Agents/Managers for my genre (coming of age, family road trip).
o Identify A-list actors for the main role.
o Initiate marketing plan to broaden current network.
o Develop further high concept story and finish essence outline.
o Enter contests and pitchfests.
o Develop ancillary materials – query letter, polished logline, synopsis, summary, quality pitches
o Write. Every. Day.
o Make smart decisions, focused strategies to broaden contacts – give before get.
I will have to accept an incomplete for the balance of this assignment. I did not open a Twitter account yet, and I did not follow any producers. I will as soon as I complete the overhaul of my Linkedin profile.
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Budinscak Network
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I need to improve the quality of my network.
o I need to improve the quality of my social media presence.
o I need to compliment my writing efforts with a smart marketing campaign.
Network:
Proseries:
C2 Pablo
C2 Bob
C2 Armand
C2 Rob
C2 Janeen
C2 Amy
C3 Hal
C3 Cheryl
SU Alumni:
C3 Terri
Writing Groups:
C2 Diane
C2 Valerie
C2 Eric
C2 Sloane
C2 Wendy
C2 Ellen
Friends:
C1 Erin
C1 Leni
C1 Mike
Other:
C3 Barb
Production Company:
C4 Dick
I was surprised by how few people I actually know in the industry, but also pleasantly surprised I have a few solid contacts. I possess a decent base with which to grow and strategically add contacts.
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Budinscak Marketing Campaign
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o One of the key strengths to the ProSeries is an instruction manual on how to open your own doors.
o Another key of the ProSeries is its phenomenal network, the success and the opportunity to become part of it.
o Being from out of state, I appreciate Hal setting up a solid campaign I can duplicate. Thank you!
o I’m excited about finishing the script, developing a sound campaign and getting it started.
I reside in Florida and have no restrictions to travel at all. I can be wherever I’m needed in a short amount of time. But being from out of town, my goal is to sell a script.
Campaign: Sell a script from outside L.A.
Strategies:
Use mass-market vehicles every month until you have a deal.
Finish other projects to have additional completed scripts.
Develop a targeted campaign for road trip movies, especially the coming of age.
Tactics:
Query Letter blast on ScriptBlaster.com
Enter contests to create credibility.
InkTip.com listing in quarterly publication and on their site.
List your logline on every logline site.
Participate in Pitchfests.
Attend conferences close to home.
Build an amazing network on Social Network sites.
Receive a “Recommend” from a script consultant
Upgrade and update my social media presence which totals 1 site – Linkedin.
Build a strong network – offer assistance before asking for assistance.
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Budinscak Target Market
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Lots of ways to find contacts to target market – agents/managers/producers/actors – for your story.
o Great research tool.
o Nobody can sell you better than yourself.
o Nothing to be afraid of here – just do it and don’t worry about failing.
Title – “ROUTE 30A TO BURBANK”
Logline – A sly gangster teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make in order to save his family’s restaurant.
Genre – adventure, coming of age, road trip.
Similar movies – “Little Miss Sunshine”, “Are We There Yet?”, “Paul”, “Road Trip” and “Stand By Me”.
Actors – Tyler Posey, Will Poulter, Logan Lerman, Jesse Plemons, Nick Robinson, Bill Skarsgard.
Producers –
“Little Miss Sunshine” – Albert Berger, David T. Friendly, Peter Saraf, Marc Turtletaub, Ron Yerxa, Michael Beugg, Jeb Brody, Bart Lipton.
“Are We There Yet” – Matt Alvarez, Ice Cube, Dan Kolsrud, Derek Dauchy, Todd Garner, Tom McNulty
“Paul” – Tim Bevan, Eric Feliner, Nira Park, Liza Chasin, Robert Graf, Debra Hayward, Adam Schardein, Natascha Wharton
“Road Trip” – Daniel Goldberg, Joe Medjuck, Sheldon Kahn, Tom Pollock, Ivan Reitman
These Producer contacts come from just the 4 movies listed and absolutely no effort whatsoever. If I applied a hint of effort and researched the Directors and their past collaborators, my list would be at least 4X this size. There’s a treasure trove of information on IMDb, and it’s easy to get to.
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Budinscak Project and Market
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
o You gotta water your own horse. You and you alone are responsible for … you. Story, brand, image, marketing, sales, social media, et al.
o Helpful grid to identify what direction a writer should go – manager, agent, producer, actor.
Logline – A sly gangster teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make in order to save his family’s restaurant.
Genre – adventure, coming of age, road trip
What’s most attractive about the story – a coming of age story for the nephews, but also about their Uncle Jack’s growth from heel to hero while learning there are some things more important than himself.
Targeting first – A-list actor. Why – it’s a fun ride, a feel-good story with a ‘family is good’ theme that calls for the actor to run the gamut of emotions while displaying their acting chops. Many situations in a constantly changing environment with a solid character arc in both the internal and external journeys.
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I’m having problems posting my Day 6 assignment. For the past few days I’ve made multiple attempts with both word documents and pdf files – all to no avail. I’ve sent emails to Support asking for help and simply receive a reply that my ‘request has been received’. I’ve stated I can send the completed assignments as attachments so someone could post it on the site for critique and I’ve received nothing in return. May I please get some help?
Thank you.
Budinscak Ready For Critique
Day 6
Synopsis:
A restaurant shares a parking lot with a funeral home. Jack, a chef and low-level criminal, sees something he shouldn’t have when he ventures to the dumpster in the parking lot. When questioned by Don Vito, a local crime boss, Jack denies seeing anything. But Don Vito doesn’t believe Jack and asks that he do him a favor – to personally deliver a package for the Don. In return, Don Vito promises NOT to burn the family restaurant to the ground. Jack agrees to make the trip to what he believes is Atlantic City – it’s not. And he doesn’t realize his two pain-in-the-ass nephews are stowaways in his Caddy and will tag along for the entire trip – they do. The reveal of the location AND his passengers are after page 10.
TITLE: Route 30A to Burbank
FADE IN:
SUPER: “1988”
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A hearse leaves a funeral home and navigates a large parking lot shared with a quaint restaurant, Carmine’s.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The kitchen, while clean, shows it age. Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf, just below a matronly portrait of the family matriarch.
JACK, late 20s, a miniature nuclear warhead with a hair- trigger detonator yet slicker than a two day oil spill, moves gracefully in synch to the music as he cooks. He’s a natural in the kitchen.
JACK
This is intoxicating, Ma, you taught me good. Bet you didn’t think I could use intoxicating in a good way, did you? Me neither.
(looks at portrait)
Now don’t be mad for me wasting food.
He spins a knife and slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, stuffs it between the bread halves and slides the bread in a bag.
JACK
I know you’re gonna be really pissed when you see where it’s going. I promise, last time I see the old man, or whatever he calls himself.
Jack scribbles ‘FH’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio. He approaches a large pot of sauce and inhales deeply.
JACK
I promise I’ll be a better person. I know I say that all the time, but I mean it. Starting … tomorrow. I can’t tonight. I gotta do one more thing. Promise. Okay?
Knock, knock – someone’s at the kitchen door.
JACK (sing songy)
Who is it?
TOMMY
It’s your brother with two surprises.
JACK
As long as it isn’t those two little ass…..
In through the door walks Jack’s brother, TOMMY, a large, living teddy bear in his mid 30s with cousins PUCK, 12, a dweeb, and SAL, 12 and exuding sneakiness. Jack isn’t thrilled to see his nephews and lets it show.
JACK
If it isn’t Puck and Sal. And what brings you two disasters into my kitchen? Did Uncle Tommy force you?
TOMMY
They wanted to help, right boys?
SAL
That ain’t what happened.
PUCK
Why is it that Sal and I have to help?
Sal mocks Puck behind his back. Puck knows, Sal doesn’t care.
PUCK
I know you’re making fun of me.
SAL
No, I’m not.
PUCK
I can see you. Why be so conniving?
Sal wants to pound Puck’s smug mug.
SAL
I know what that means, I looked it up. Your picture’s there.
Sal pushes Puck, Puck pushes back and it’s on. In seconds, glasses are broken, flour fills the air and sauce is splashed on the floor.
JACK
HEY!
Everything and everyone stops, even the flour is suspended in midair. Tommy shoots Jack a ‘don’t go crazy now’ look. Sal comes up from behind and pushes Puck.
SAL
Tag, you’re it.
Sal spins away, takes a step and bounces backwards off the wall known as Uncle Tommy. Tommy grabs a hold of both nephews.
JACK (to Tommy)
Still wonder about my feelings?
Neither nephew return Jack’s menacing stare, they study the floor instead. Jack exhales long and slow composing himself.
JACK
Puck, you grab the meat. Sal, you got the sauce. Go. NOW!
Tommy holds the door while the nephews quickly exit the kitchen. He giggles as Jack mouths expletives at him.
TOMMY
It’s family, Jack, they’re boys.
JACK
Family? They ain’t my boys.
TOMMY
You can’t carry a grudge forever.
JACK
I’ll never forgive them.
Tommy’s giggle gets louder.
JACK
You go ahead, enjoy their company out there. I’ll stay and clean up their mess. Go on.
Tommy laughs out loud, Jack pelts him with pieces of bread. The radio flips from music to news.
NEWSCASTER
A key government informant in the battle against organized crime has gone missing.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack tosses a couple of bags of trash in the dumpster when he sees his friend and stoops to pet a big orange tabby cat.
JACK
Hello there, Rusty.
Jack watches a hearse pull into an open garage door at the funeral home. MEN exit the hearse and rush to the open back door. They struggle with a body bag that jerks around wildly.
JACK
I’ve never seen one do that.
Jack steps back, right on Rusty’s tail – Me-YEOW!
The men by the hearse look over, but hustle their package inside and shut the garage door.
Carmine’s back door opens, a hand slips out a saucer of milk.
JACK (O.S.)
Sorry, Rusty.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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Budinscak Great First Page
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Make or break for capturing the reader’s attention and signaling the quality of your writing.
o No matter what you’ve written, you can make it better.
FADE IN:
SUPER: “1988”
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A hearse leaves a funeral home and navigates a large parking lot shared with a quaint restaurant, Carmine’s.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The kitchen, while clean, shows it age. Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf, just below a matronly portrait of the family matriarch.
JACK, late 20s, a miniature nuclear warhead with a hair- trigger detonator yet slicker than a two day oil spill, moves gracefully in synch to the music as he cooks. He’s a natural in the kitchen.
JACK
This is intoxicating, Ma, you taught me good. Bet you didn’t think I could use intoxicating in a good way, did you? Me neither.
(looks at portrait)
Now don’t be mad for me wasting food.
He spins a knife and slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, stuffs it between the bread halves and slides the bread in a bag.
JACK
I know you’re gonna be really pissed when you see where it’s going. I promise, last time I see the old man, or whatever he calls himself.
Jack scribbles ‘FH’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio. He approaches a large pot of sauce and inhales deeply.
JACK
I promise I’ll be a better person. I know I say that all the time, but I mean it. Starting … tomorrow. I can’t tonight. I gotta do one more thing. Promise. Okay?
Knock, knock – someone’s at the kitchen door.
JACK (sing songy)
Who is it?
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Budinscak Opening Scene is Irresistible
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I enjoy the lessons and find the movie breakdown and analysis very informative. Both “Swordfish” and “GI Jane” were very informative and great examples for the lesson.
o Great set of rules for a tremendous opening scene.
o The idea that the opening scene can come from anywhere in the script should be a rule.
SCENE:
FADE IN:
SUPER: “1988”
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A funeral home’s neon lights illuminate the large parking lot it shares with a quaint restaurant, Carmine’s.
A hearse exits the funeral home.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The kitchen, while clean, shows its age. Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf.
JACK, late 20s, more smooth than suave, moves gracefully in synch to the music as he cooks. He’s a natural in the kitchen.
JACK
Mmmm, this smells tasty.
He spins a knife and slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, stuffs it between the bread halves and slides the bread in a bag.
Jack scribbles ‘FH’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio. He approaches a large pot of sauce and inhales deeply.
JACK
This is intoxicating. Ma, you taught me good.
Knock, knock – someone’s at the kitchen door.
JACK
(sing songy) Who is it?
TOMMY
It’s your brother with two surprises.
JACK
As long as it isn’t those pesky two little ass….
In through the door walks Jack’s brother, TOMMY, a living teddy bear in his mid 30s, with cousins PUCK, 12 and a dweeb and Sal, 12 and exuding sneakiness. Jack isn’t thrilled to see his nephews and it shows.
JACK
If it isn’t Puck and Sal. What brings you two disasters into my kitchen. Did Uncle Tommy force you?
TOMMY
They wanted to help. You volunteered, right boys?
SAL
That ain’t what happened.
PUCK
Why is it that Sal and I have to help?
Sal mocks Puck behind his back. Puck knows, Sal doesn’t care.
PUCK
I can see you making fun of me.
SAL
No, I’m not.
PUCK
Why be so conniving?
Sal wants to pound Puck’s smug mug,
SAL
I know what that means. I looked it up – your picture’s there.
Sal pushes Puck, Puck pushes Sal… and it’s on. In seconds, glasses are broken, flour fills the air and sauce is splashed on floor.
JACK
HEY!
Everyone and everything stops, even the flour is suspended midair. Tommy gives Jack a ‘don’t go crazy now’ look. Sal comes up from behind Puck and gives him a little shove.
SAL
You’re it.
Sal spins away, takes a step and bounces backwards off the wall known as his Uncle Tommy. Tommy has a hold of both nephews.
JACK
(to Tommy) Still wonder about my feelings?
Neither Puck nor Sal return Jack’s menacing stare – they study the floor instead. Jack exhales long and slow until he composes himself.
JACK
Puck, you grab the meat. Sal, you got the sauce. Go. Now!
Tommy holds the door while the nephews carefully exit the kitchen. He giggles as Jack mouths expletives at him.
TOMMY
It’s family, c’mon, they’re kids.
JACK
No, they’re not. That’s not my family.
TOMMY
Jack, Jack, Jack. You still carry that grudge from the bank ride?
JACK
I’ll never forgive them.
Tommy’s giggle gets louder.
TOMMY
At some point you got to or it’ll drive you crazy.
JACK
You go ahead, enjoy their company out there. I’ll stay here and clean up their mess. Go ahead.
Tommy’s now in a laughing fit. Jack pelts Tommy in the head with a piece of bread.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack tosses a couple of bags of trash in the dumpster when he sees his friend. Jack stoops to pet a big orange tabby cat.
JACK
Hello there, Rusty.
Jack turns to headlights entering the parking lot. A hearse pulls into an open garage door at the funeral home. MEN exit the hears and rush to the open back door., they struggle with a body bag that jerks around wildly.
JACK
I’ve never seen one do that.
Jack steps back, right on Rusty’s tail – Me-YOW!
The men by the hearse look over, but focus on their package and hustle it inside. The garage door shuts.
Carmine’s back door opens, a hand slips out a saucer of milk.
JACK(OS)
Sorry, Rusty.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Jack’s face is a study of confusion as he washes his hands. The radio flips from music to news.
NEWSCASTER
A key government witness has been reported missing.
Jack hesitates for a nanosecond before he turns the radio off – he’s got a pretty good idea where that witness may be. He peeks out the back door – the funeral home garage doors are closed.
DINING ROOM
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Budinscak Openings!
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great exercise to focus on what experiences you desire to convey to the audience/reader, and then build it in.
o You know the powerful ending you now have, frame it with the setups in the beginning.
Voice Over with an Unique Character
This would be Jack telling the story as if he’s a CEO running a company with 30+ employees and how their livelihood depends on me (Jack). It’s taken years to build the business and only seconds to destroy it – you can’t make a mistake and you can’t control everything. Imagine that mistake was because of something you saw (Inciting Incident). What if your building was hit by lightning. Could you stop that if you knew it was coming? (Plot Point 1). How do you know when a lightning strike will happen? Cuz you’ve been told if you don’t do something, your restaurant will be burnt to the ground. And those 30+ employees, well, they’re all your family members and you would put them all out of business and completely in harm’s way. What would you do?
Contrast Opening with Voice Over
Here we’d show the innocence of children – not innocent children, but their innocence – contrasted by them being thrown together with a bad role model (Uncle Jack), a free spirit who only worries about himself and walks a fine line between illegal and just barely legal.
Instant Conflict
Pair Jack and Don Vito together, Jack will disavow any knowledge of what he’s seen, have Don Vito discuss what will happen if he doesn’t come clean – highlight the Inciting Incident and Jack’s role – and the punishment to come.
Intriguing Opening
The FBI shakedown in Las Vegas is Plot Point 2 and would make an interesting opening since it shows our protagonist as his lowest point, offers an interesting antagonist that he will overcome.
Trick Opening
In this opening, the restaurant will be razed by fire, burnt completely to the ground – and then Jack wakes up in bed in a cold sweat. It was just a dream.
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Budinscak Loves This Opening
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o How well written the opening scenes are, the choice of descriptive words, suspense/intrigue in quality scripts.
o I looked at the first 10 pages of “Silence of the Lambs”, “The Matrix”, “Jurassic Park” and “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day”. They all had provocative beginnings, but they did not necessarily hit all milestones exactly on the pages.
o I selected “Jurassic Park” – I’ve always been a fan of special effects, Michael Crichton and Steven Spielberg.
o Key to having a page turner is a great opening.
But this movie does not hit all the targeted pages
JURASSIC PARK
EXT. JUNGLE – NIGHT
An eyeball, big, yellowish, distinctly inhuman, stares raptly between wooden slats, part of a large crate. The eye darts from side to side, alert as hell.
*****NOTE: An eyeball, big, yellowish. Distinctly inhuman ….the eyes dart … alert as hell. What is it?
A legend tries to place us —
ISLA NUBLAR 120 MILES WEST OF COSTA RICA
but to us it’s still the middle of nowhere.
*****NOTE: still in the middle of nowhere. Where is it?
It’s quiet for a second. A ROAR rises up from the jungle, deafening. The trees shake as something very, very large plows ahead through them, right at us. Every head gathered in this little clearing snaps, turning in the direction of the sound as it bursts through the trees.
It’s a bulldozer. It drops its scoop and pushes forward into the back end of the crate, shoving it across the jungle floor towards an impressive fenced structure that towers over an enclosed section of thick jungle. There’s a guard tower at one end of this holding open that makes it look like San Quentin.
The bulldozer pushes forward into the back end, the crate THUDS TO THE FLOOR. A door slides open in the pen, making a space as big as the end of the crate.
Nobody moves for a second, A grim-faced guy who seems to be in charge (Robert Muldoon, although we don’t know it yet).
MULDOON
Alright now, pushers move in. Loading team move it.
The movement as agitated whatever is inside the crate, and the whole thing shivers as GROWLS and SNAPS come from inside.
Everyone moves back.
MULDOON
Alright, steady. Get back in there now, push. Get back in there, Don’t let her know you’re afraid!
The men go back to the crate and begin to push it into the slot.
The crate THUDS UP AGAINST THE OPENING. A green light on the side of the pen lights up, showing contact has been made.
FROM INSIDE THE CRATE, we get glimpses of what’s on the other side of those wooden slates — jungle foliage, MEN with rifles, searching searchlights.
The view is herky-jerky as the crate put into position.
MULDOON
Well lockedŠ Loading team, step away. Joffrey, raise the gate.
A WORKER climbs to the top of the crate. The search lights are trained on the door.
The RIFFLEMEN throw the bolts on their rifles and CRACK their stun guns, sending arcs of current CRACKING through the air.
The WORKER gets ready to grab the gate when all at once —
A ROAR from the inside the crate, and the panel flies out of his hands and SMACKS into him, knocking him clear off the crate.
Now everything happens at once. The WORKER THUDS to the jungle floor, the crate jerks away from the mouth of the holding pen flash, an alarm BUZZER sounds —
— and a claw SLASHES out from inside the crate. It sinks into the ankle of the WORKER. dragging him toward the dark mouth between the crate and the pen. The WORKER SCREAMS and paws the dirt, leaving long claw marks as he is rapidly dragged toward the crate.
Muldoon SHOUTS orders:
MULDOON
Tasers get in there, Goddamn it!
They FIRE their guns – the wood of the crate SPLINTERS.
Muldoon runs in and grabs the WORKER, trying to pull him free.
The wild arcs of currents from the stun gun flash and CRACK all around, but in a second —
the WORKER is gone.
*****NOTE: Whatever’s in the crate is nothing we’ve ever seen before – intrigue, suspense, curiosity. It’s a page turner.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE – DAY
MANO DE DIOS AMBER MINE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
DONALD GENNARO, forty, in a city man’s idea of hiking clothes and a hundred dollar haircut, approaches on a raft being pulled across a river by TWO MEN.
*****NOTE: City man’s idea of hiking clothes and a hundred dollar haircut – sets him apart as well as sets him up. He’s completely out of his element
On the hillside, JUAN ROSTAGNO, thirty-ish, Costa Rican, a smart-looking guy in workers clothes, is waiting for him.
ROSTAGNO
Tengo mil pesos que dicen que se cae
I have a thousand pesos that say he falls) (or
Apuesto mil pesos que se cae.
I bet a thousand pesos he falls
Gennaro finally lands, and Rostagno helps him off the raft.
GENNARO
Hola, Juanito.
ROSTAGNO
Hola, bienvenido.
Rostagno leads Gennaro towards the mine. Dozen of shirtless WORKERS claw and SCRAPE at a rocky mountainside that is the site of an extensive mining operation. The work is all done by hand, pick and shovel instead of dynamite and bulldozer.
GENNARO
What’s this I hear at the airport? Hammond’s not even here?
ROSTAGNO
He sends his apologies.
GENNARO
You’re telling me that we’re facing a $20 million lawsuit from the family of that injured worker and Hammond couldn’t even be bothered to see me?
ROSTAGNO
He had to leave early to be with his daughter. She’s getting a divorce.
GENNARO
I understand that.
or
I’m sorry to hear that. We’d be well advised to deal with this situation now. The insurance company —
Gennaro almost falls, Rostagno helps him.
GENNARO
— the underwriters of the park feel the accident raises some very serious questions about the safety of the park, and they’re making the investors very anxious. I had to promise I would conduct a thorough on-site inspection.
ROSTAGNO
Hammond hates inspections. They slow everything down.
GENNARO
Juanito, if they pull the funding, that will really slow things down.
or
If they pull the funding that’s going to slow things down around here.
A WORKER hurries up to them and busts into the conversation, breathless.
WORKER
to Rostagno
Jefe, encontramos otro mosquito, en el mismo sitio.
Chief, we found another mosquito in the same place
ROSTAGNO
Seguro? Muestrame!
Are you sure? Show me.
The WORKER and ROSTAGNO scramble back deeper into the mine.
Rostagno calls back over his shoulder to Gennaro.
ROSTAGNO
It seems like it’s going to be a good day after all. They found another one! C’mon.
Gennaro struggles to keep up.
EXT. CAVE – DAY
ROSTAGNO and GENNARO move into the dark, dripping cave, where at least a dozen other WORKERS are gathered in a tight circle, staring at something intently.
Rostagno fights his way to the center of the group. One of the WORKERS hands him something and Rostagno examines it carefully.
It’s a chuck of amber, a shiny yellow rock about the size of a half dollar.
GENNARO
If two experts sign off on the island, the insurance guys’ll back off. I already got Ian Malcolm, but they think he’s too trendy. They want Alan Grant.
*****NOTE: $20M lawsuit filed by family of injured worker, another worker is killed in the opening pages and a lawyer has come here to help quell the jitters of insurance company. We know who they have (Malcolm) and who they want (Grant).
ROSTAGNO
Grant? You’ll never get him out of Montana.
GENNARO
Why not?
ROSTAGNO
Because he’s like me. He’s a digger.
*****NOTE: Nice intro for Grant. Hands-on, focused.
Rostagno turns and holds the amber up to the sunlight streaming through the mouth of the cave.
With the light pouring through it, the amber is translucent, and we can see something inside this strange stone —
— a huge mosquito, long dead, entombed there.
ROSTAGNO
smiles
Hay que lindo eres vas hacer a much gente feliz.
Oh you’re so beautiful. You will make a lot of people happy
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DIG – DAY
An artist’s camel hair brush carefully sweeps away sand and rock to slowly reveal the dark curve of a fossil – it’s a claw. A dentist’s pick gently lifts it from the place its has laid for millions of years.
Pull up to reveal a group of diggers working on a large skeleton. All we see are the tops of their hats. The paleontologist working on the claw lays it in his hand.
GRANT
thoughtfully
Four complete skeletons… such a small area… the same time horizon —
ELLIE
They died together?
GRANT
The taphonomy sure looks that way.
ELLIE
If they died together, they lived together. Suggests some kind of social order.
DR ALAN GRANT, mid-thirties, a ragged-looking guy with intense concentration you wouldn’t want to get in the way of, carefully examines a claw.
DR ELLIE SATTLER, working with him, leans in close and studies it too. She paints the exposed bone with rubber cement. Ellie in her late twenties, athletic-looking. There’s an impatience about Ellie, as if nothing in life happens quite fast enough for her.
Her face is almost pressed up against his, she’s sitting so close.
GRANT
They hunted as a team. The dismembered tenontosaurus bone over there – that’s lunch. But what killed our raptors in a lakebed, in a bunch like this? We better come up with something that makes sense.
ELLIE
A drought. The lake was shrinking – –
GRANT
excited
That’s good. That’s right! They died around a dried-up puddle! Without fighting each other. This is looking good.
From the bottom of the hill a voice SHOUTS to them:
VOLUNTERR (O.S.)
Dr Grant! Dr Sattler! We’re ready to try again!
Grant SIGNS and sits up, stretching out his back.
GRANT
I hate computers.
*****NOTE: Grant is a throwback – he likes to dig and can’t imagine that part of his profession being eliminated.
He shoves the claw absent-mindedly into his pocket and he and Ellie walk toward the source of the voice. As they walk, we get our first look at the badlands. Exposed outcroppings of crumbling limestone stretch for miles in every direction, not a tree or a bush in sight.
In the dig itself, the ground is checkered with excavations everywhere. There’s a base camp with five or six teepees, a flapping mess tent, a few cards, a flatbed truck with wrapped fossils loaded on it, and a mobile home. There are a dozen VOLUNTEERS of all ages at work in various places around the dig. The Volunteers are from all walks of life, dinosaur buffs. Three or four of them have CHILDREN with them, and the kids run around, like in a giant sandbox.
Grant , Ellie and a Volunteer walk down the hill. Grant spots a KID kicking dirt onto one of the digs. He notices and frowns.
GRANT
What’s that kid doing?
to the kid
What are you doing there!? Excuse me! Can you just back off? This is very fragile! Are you out of your mind? Get off that and go find your parents!
to Ellie
Did you see what he just did?
The kid stomps away, pissed off.
KID
Asshole.
GRANT
to Ellie
Why do they have to bring their kids?!
*****NOTE: Nice setup of Grant disliking kids, which we know is a payoff for later.
ELLIE
You could hire your help. But there’s four summers of work here, with the money for one. And you say it’s a learning experience, sort of a vacation, and you get volunteers with kids.
He and Ellie arrive to where several VOLUNTEERS are clustered around a computer terminal that’s set up on a table in a small tent, its flaps lashed open.
GRANT
to the Volunteer
Ready to give it a shot, Jerry?
A LITTLE GIRL moves a little too close to the machine.
ELLIE
Want to watch the computer?
Ellie quietly moves her out of Grant’s way, to a place she can see.
VOLUNTEER
Thumper ready?
MAN
Ready.
VOLUNTEER
Fire.
The VOLUNTEER throws a switch on a machine that looks a bit like a floor buffer. The whole thing hops up into the air as it drives a soft lead pellet into the earth with a tremendous force. There is a dull THUD, the earth seems to vibrate, and all eyes turn to the computer screen —
ELLIE
How long does this usually take?
VOLUNTEER
It should be immediate return. You shoot the radar into the ground, the bone bounces back…. The screen suddenly comes alive, yellow contour lines tracing across it in three waves, detailing a dinosaur skeleton.
VOLUNTEER
This new program’s incredible! A few more years of development and you don’t have to dig any more!
Grant looks at him, and his expression is positively wounded.
GRANT
Well, where’s the fun in that?
VOLUNTEER
It looks a little distorted, but I don’t think that’s the computer.
ELLIE
shakes her head
Postmortem contraction of the posterior neck ligaments.
to Grant
Velociraptor?
GRANT
Yes. Good shape, too. Five, six feet high. I’m guessing nine feet long. Look at the —
He points to part of the skeleton, but when his finger touches the screen the computer BEEPS at him and the image changes. He pulls his hand back, as if it shocked him.
VOLUNTEER
What’s you do?
ELLIE
He touched it. Dr. Grant is not machine compatible.
GRANT
They’ve got it in for me.
The Volunteer LAUGHS and touches a different part of the screen, which brings the original image back. Grant continues, but doesn’t get as close.
GRANT
Look at the half-moon shaped bone in the wrist. No wonder these guys learned to fly.
The group laughs. Grant is surprised.
GRANT
Now, seriously. Show of the hands. How many of you have read my book?
Everyone stops laughing and looks away. Ellie raises her hand supportively. So does the Volunteer, Grant sighs.
GRANT
Great. Well maybe dinosaurs have more in common with present-day birds than reptiles. Look at the public bone — it’s turned backwards, just like a bird. The vertebrae — full of hollows and air sacs, just like a bird. Even the word raptor means “bird of prey”.
The kid steps forward and looks at the computer skeleton critically.
KID
That doesn’t look very scary. More like a six-foot turkey.
Everyone sort of draws in their breath and steps aside, revealing the KID, standing alone. Grant turns to the Kid, lowers his sunglasses, and stares at him like he just came from another planet.
Grant strolls over to the KID , puts his arms around his shoulders in a friendly way.
GRANT
Try to imagine yourself in the Jurassic Period.
or
Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous Period.
Ellie rolls her eyes.
ELLIE
under her breath
Here we go.
GRANT
You’d get your first look at the six-foot turkey as you move into a clearing. But raptor, he knew you were there a long time ago. He moves like a bird; lightly, bobbing his head, And you keep still, because you think maybe his visual acuity’s based on movement, like a T-rex, and he’ll lose you if you don’t move. But no. Not VELOCIRAPTOR. You stare at him, and he just stares back. That’s when the attack comes — not from the front, no, from the side, from the other two raptors you didn’t even know were there.
Grant walks around the Kid.
GRANT
Velociraptor’s a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns, and he’s out in force today. And he slashes at you with this —
He takes the claw from his pocket and holds it at the front of the raptor’s three-toed foot.
GRANT
— a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the middle toe. They don’t bother to bite the jugular, like a lion, they just slash here, here —
He points to the Kid’s chest and thigh.
GRANT
— or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. Point is, you’re alive when they start to eat you. Whole thing took about four seconds.
The Kid is on the verge if tears.
GRANT
So, you know, try to show a little respect.
*****NOTE: Grant leaves the kid on the verge of tears, ‘show a little respect’, turns and walks away.
And with that he walks back across the camp, returning to his skeleton. Ellie hurries to catch up with him.
ELLIE
You know, if you really wanted to scare the kid you could’ve just pulled a gun on him.
GRANT
Yeah, I know, you know…kids. You want to have one of those?
ELLIE
Well, not one of those, well yeah, a possibly one at some point could be a good thing. What’s so wrong with kids?
GRANT
Oh, Ellie, look. They’re noisy, they’re messy, they’re sticky, they’re expensive.
ELLIE
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
GRANT
They smell.
ELLIE
Oh my god, they do not! They don’t smell.
GRANT
They do smell. Some of them smell.. babies smell.
ELLIE
Alright, the one on the airplane had an accident, but usually babies don’t smell.
GRANT
They know very little about the Jurassic Period they know less about the Cretaceous.
ELLIE
The what?
GRANT
The Cretaceous.
ELLIE
Anything else, you old fossil?
GRANT
Yeah, plenty. Some of them can’t walk!
ELLIE
It frustrates me so much that I love you, that I need to strangle you right now!
Ellie playfully takes Grant’s hat off and gives him a tight hug.
They kiss.
A strange wind seems to be whipping up. Grant and Ellie look around, confused. The wind is getting stronger, blowing dirt and sand everywhere, filling in everything they’ve dug out, blowing the protective canvasses off. Now there’s a more familiar ROAR, and they look up and see it —
— a huge helicopter, descending on the camp.
ELLIE
to the volunteers
Get some canvasses and cover anything that’s exposed!
Grant’s already on it, trying to desperately to protect the skeleton he’s excavating. He looks up at the helicopter and SHOUTS, shaking his fist.
*****NOTE: Suspense – who is this?
CUT TO:
EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY
Down at the base camp, the helicopter has landed. The PILOT is already out, waiting as GRANT comes down from the mountaintop like Moses steaming. Grant gestures wildly at him to turn the chopper off.
The pilot points timidly to a mobile home across the camp.
Grant runs to the trailer.
EXT. TRAILER – DAY
The door to the trailer SLAPS open, and GRANT storms in.
GRANT
What the hell do you think you’re doing in here?
The trailer serves as the dig’s office. There are several long wooden tables set up, every inch covered with bone specimens that are neatly laid out, tagged, and labeled.
Farther along are ceramic dishes and crocks, soaking other bones in acid and vinegar.
There’s old dusty furniture at one end of the trailer, and a refrigerator. A man roots around in the refrigerator, his back to us.
GRUMBLING about the contents which are mostly beer.
His hand falls across a bottle of expensive champagne in the back.
MAN
Ah hah!
He pulls it out – the cork POPS.
The Man turns around. JOHN HAMMOND, seventy-ish, is sprightly as hell, with bright, shining eyes that say “Follow me!”
Grant stares incredulously at the Man, holding his champagne bottle without an invitation.
GRANT
Hey, we were saving that!
HAMMOND
For today, I guarantee it.
GRANT
And who in God’s name do you think you are…?
HAMMOND
John Hammond. And I am delighted to finally meet you in person Dr Grant.
Grant is struck silent. He shakes his hand, staring dumbly.
GRANT
Mr. — Hammond?
Hammond looks around the trailer approvingly, at the enormous amount of work the bones represent.
HAMMOND
I can see my fifty thousand a year as been well spent.
The door SLAPS open again and ELLIE comes in, just as pissed off as Grant was.
ELLIE
Okay, who’s the jerk?
GRANT
Uh, this is our paleobotanist, Dr Ellie…
ELLIE
Sattler.
GRANT
Dr Sattler. Ellie, this is Mr. HAMMOND.
in case she didn’t catch it
John Hammond.
ELLIE
Did I say jerk?
*****NOTE: It’s quite evident neither Grant or Stattler has ever met the person who funded their operation. I enjoy when their anger disappears when they find out who this is.
HAMMOND
I’m sorry for the dramatic entrance, but I’m in a hurry. Will you have a wee bit of a drink now and then?
Hammond begins to walk into the kitchen, making himself at home.
Ellie follows him tries to help. Grant settles behind the table.
HAMMOND
Come along then, don’t let it get warm!
expansively
Come on in, both of you. Sit down.
As Hammond moves, they notice he walks with a slight limp and uses a cane — for balance or style, it’s hard to say witch.
ELLIE
I have samples all over the kitchen.
she takes some stones out of one of the glasses
HAMMOND
Come along. I know my way around a kitchen. Come along.
Ellie goes around towards Grant. She grabs a bottle of water.
They look at each other, really aback by this guy’s bravado, and site down. Hammond dries the glasses.
HAMMOND
Well now, I’ll get right to the point. I like you. Both of you. I can tell instantly with people; it’s a gift.
new subject
I own an island. Off the coast of Costa Rica. I leased it from the government and spent the last five years setting up a kind of biological preserve down there. Really spectacular. Spared no expense. It makes the one I had in Kenya look like a petting zoo. No doubt that sooner or later our attractions will send
drive the
kids right out of their minds.
GRANT
And what are those?
ELLIE
Small versions of adults, honey.
He gives her a dirty look.
HAMMOND
Not just kids — for everyone. We’re going to open next year. Unless the lawyers kill me first. I don’t care for lawyers. You?
GRANT
I, uh, don’t really know any. We —
HAMMOND
Well, I’m afraid I do. There’s one, a particular pebble in my shoe. He represents my investors. He says they insist on outside opinions.
GRANT
What kind of opinions?
HAMMOND
Not to put a fine point on it, your kind. Let’s face it, in your particular field, you’re the top minds. If I could just get you two to sign off on the park — you know, give a wee testimonial — I could get back on schedule —
he Americanizes him pronunciation
— schedule.
ELLIE
Why would they care what we think?
GRANT
What kind of park is it?
HAMMOND
smiles
Well, it’s — right up your alley.
hands Grant a drink
Look, why don’t you both
the pair of you
come on down for the weekend. Love to have the opinion of a paleobotoanist as well.
hands Ellie a drink
I’ve got a jet standing by at Choteau.
he jumps up and sites on the counter
GRANT
No, I’m sorry, that wouldn’t be possible. We’ve just discovered a new skeleton, and —
HAMMOND
pours himself a drink
I could compensate you by fully funding your dig.
GRANT
— this would be an awfully unusual time —
HAMMOND
For a further three years.
Grant OOFS as Ellie elbows him hard in the ribs.
ELLIE
Where’s the plane?
*****NOTE: This is the inciting incident. Not necessarily the first 10 pages, primarily due to the introduction of the attorney & legal issues with the park, but still very intriguing.
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Budinscak Completed Third Act
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o How to expertly bookend a story/script with a compelling beginning and a meaningful ending.
o How to write a great ending.
o I enjoyed the concept of working backwards – first draft, elevate ending, go back and add setups to make your ending work.
SETUP:
Jack, our protagonist, saw something he shouldn’t have – a hearse unloading a very “actively moving” body bag to a funeral home, and he may have been spotted. A local crime boss, Don Vito, believes Jack saw it, too; but Jack will admit to nothing. So, Don Vito asks for a favor – personally deliver a package for me or Jack’s family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground. Given the options, Jack agrees to make the trip. The next day, after cooler is added to his Cadillac’s trunk, Jack heads out from upstate NY for Burbank, CA. Unfortunately for Jack, he never realizes his two annoying, preteen nephews – Puck and Sal – are stowaways on the trip.
PLOT POINT 2:
It happens in Las Vegas. Jack loses most of his money in the casino, the FBI shakes him down and steals the rest of his money then force him to work for them – including wearing a wire against Don Vito.
CRISIS:
When the nephews are knocked out from carbon monoxide poisoning and have trouble waking, Jack promises God he’ll change – he’ll put the life of Puck and Sal ahead of his own.
CLIMAX:
After making the delivery to Burbank on time, Jack is separated from his nephews and told Don Vito will not honor their deal. Jack soon realizes he may lose the restaurant, humiliate his family and never see his nephews again. Puck and Sal trick their captor, take his gun and rescue Jack his captor, Don Vito.
RESOLUTION:
After their successful escape, they trio takes a red-eye to JFK to pick up Jack’s sisters (Sal and Puck’s mothers). The moms question Jack on the ride home (where’s your Cadillac) and the boys come to his rescue. It’s obvious enough that their mothers notice it. When they arrive at Carmine’s, their restaurant, a picture is taken and posted on the wall of pictures inside. The picture triggers a time change from 1988 to present where we meet all our characters in today’s terms – and it’s the 30+ year of the “family RE-union”. It’s a celebration.
FINAL PAGE
A banner hangs over a stage in the parking lot – it reads “Happy Family RE-union! 30+ years.” A big party for family and friends with everyone in the movie \in attendance and having a blast. After a break in the music, Jack gives a toast and thanks everyone there.
FINAL LINE/IMAGE
A horn honks captures the attention of everyone at the party – it’s a flat bed tow truck with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored. Jack points to his nephews, they tell their uncle they love him. The last line is from Jack, “I love you guys.”
-
Budinscak Amazing Final Line
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The absolute importance of the final line/image in your story.
o How the word and/or image lets the audience know what the whole story is about.
Scene:
SUPER: “1988”
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Packed with people, a Lincoln Continental pulls up to and parks in front of Carmine’s. Out of the restaurant rushes Betty and Cat, Cat carries a camera.
Angeline and Jerry pour out of the car and greet their sisters, their short time away appears much longer. Cat gets her camera ready for a shot.
CAT
Where’s your car?
Flanked by his nephews, Jack looks skyward with a huge smile, two boys look up adoringly at him.
CAT
Perfect. Say cheese.
CLICK – the picture is taken, the memory preserved.
CAT
This is going up on the wall, for sure.
JACK
Its earned its place.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Cat’s ready to post the picture on the wall.
CAT
Where’s your Caddy?
JACK
It’s a long story.
CAT
I’m ready.
Jack touches the picture.
SUPER: “Present Time”
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Everyone in the restaurant is in the exact same place, only they’re older. Jack removes his finger from the photo.
JACK
And that’s why I drove the Lincoln.
CAT
Get out!
PUCK (OS)
Uncle Jack, they’re waiting for you!
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
A banner flies over a stage is set up in the parking lot. The banner reads: “Happy Family RE-union 30+ years”.
Music, food and drink are plentiful. Music is from Jules and his band, the act from Las Vegas. LC and his men enjoy food and libations. Every aunt, uncle, cousin, customer – everyone – is at the party and having fun.
Jack whistles and holds up a CIRCUS CIRCUS shot glass filled with tequila. Everyone at the party raises their glass.
JACK
A toast to the best family and friends anyone could ask for – happy reunion!
EVERYONE
Salud!
Everyone downs their shot. HONK – a truck horn gets everyone’s attention. Angel drives a flatbed tow truck with Jack’s completely restored Cadillac.
The party goes crazy! Jack points to Puck and Sal.
PUCK & SAL
Love you, Uncle Jack.
JACK
I love you guys.
FADE OUT:
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Budinscak Final Page
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Never just ‘wrap it up’.
o The tremendous importance of the last page – and to make it meaningful.
o First page compelling, last page meaningful.
o To satisfy the audience’s needs in 3 areas – surprising, inevitable and meaningful.
o 6 options for the final page.
Final Page Options:
THE SETUP/PAYOFF FINAL PAGE:
With all the help along the way from upstate NY to Burbank for a trip with the theme of life and family, the last page is a celebration in current times. Our story begins in 1988 with the trip to Burbank, but ends in the present with everyone involved with making the trip a success enjoying a “Family RE-union” at the restaurant back in upstate NY – and everyone attends. By everyone, any character in the movie joins the celebration.
THE CONTRAST FINAL PAGE:
Start the last page on an upbeat note of escaping the clutches of Don Vito and his men. Our trio of Jack, Puck and Sal make it back to JFK to pick up their mothers, and the nephews are excited about their newfound relationship with their uncle. As a matter of fact, they cover for Uncle Jack when their mothers question him on the ride home. They get back to upstate NY and find Carmine’s has been burned to the ground.
THE CLIMAX/RESOLUTION FINAL PAGE:
Jack and his nephews battle to get to the Burbank destination on time to save his restaurant, but once there, Don Vito says Jack can only save one – the restaurant or his nephews. Through shrewd negotiation and luck, the nephews are fine, the restaurant is saved and Don Vito is now a silent majority partner for the roll out of Carmine’s, a fast food franchise Italian concept opportunity.
THE SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THS MESS FINAL PAGE:
After scrambling to make it on time and just missing the deadline, Jack finds out that water damage has destroyed most of Carmine’s, he was not able to make it to JFK to pick up his sisters, but … eating at a Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank, Sal and Puck were discovered and signed by a talent scout to be the models for a new children’s series.
THE ONE LAST GESTURE FINAL PAGE:
After surviving the trip with his nephews and saving the restaurant, Jack forgives the debt Jack incurred ‘stealing’ from Don Vito. Jack offers the Don a piece of PZN – the Psychic Zealots Network – the company Jack shares with LC and started with money Jack stole from Don Vito. And it’s a success!
THE SHOCK FINAL PAGE:
Jack makes it all the way to Burbank on time and he’s told by Don Vito that he’s going to burn the restaurant to the ground anyway – for the fact Jack has stolen from him. In front of his nephews, Jack grabs a bodyguard’s gun, kills the bodyguard, locks Don Vito in a casket alive and burns the Burbank funeral home to the ground
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Budinscak Rules
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o These rules provide a checklist for a truly great ending.
o The importance of location for the final scene of the movie.
o Setup/payoff, setup/payoff, setup/payoff
o I want to ensure emotional payoffs for the audience and reader’s experience and enjoyment.
RULE 5: Don’t go On-The-Nose
I did not have any blatant examples of on-the-nose dialogue nor exposition. I do realize I’m going back to Act 1 & 2 to establish setups for emotional payoffs in Act 3.
RULE 6: The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
Locations:
Restaurant/Diner
Funeral Home
Doctor’s Office/Hospital
Warehouse/Docks
Meat Packing Plant
Zoo
Office above a bar/nightclub
I selected a funeral home since it’s a bookend to the opening shot, it’s owned by ourit’s where the inciting incident happens and also a payoff from the opening act that shows the nephews maturity and each cousin’s character arc.
RULE 7: Must keep us guessing to the very end.
The delivery is made on time, but Don Vito separates Jack from his nephews – when the door closes, Jack’s on his own and the nephews are on their own.
Jack – Don Vito tells Jack he won’t keep his end of the deal – he’s going to burn the restaurant to the ground.
Nephews – their mob guy walks them past the casket display room – Puck elbows Sal and eyeballs a casket, Sal nods.
Jack – Two big guys stand next to Jack for intimidation and to keep Jack calm when Don Vito says he can save the kids OR the restaurant, but not both.
Nephews – The boys stop by a large casket and start bickering back and forth until their escort has heard enough – what’s going on? Puck explains the Sal doesn’t think you can fit in that casket … because you’re too fat. The mob guy’s up for the challenge, and it’s going to be a tight one. He hands his coat, holster and gun to Puck and barely squeezes in – they shut the casket and have a gun.
Jack – Don Vito gloats when Sal enters the room and whistles – the Don sends his bodyguards after Sal.
Nephews – when the men chase Sal, Puck enters with a gun and stares down Don Vito. Puck hands the gun to Uncle Jack.
Don Vito’s men enter – the got the lowdown on Uncle Jack and the boys.
The FBI comes in – they’ve got the lowdown on Don Vito’s men, and they want to renegotiate their deal with Don Vito.
Don Vito’s other men come in – the guys set aside to wait for the FBI.
Last, but not least, Angel comes in – he’s the tow truck driver hired by LC to watch over Jack and his nephews for their trip and he gets the last lowdown on everyone. Climax over.
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Budinscak Powerful Setups
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I need to add a few setups earlier in my script.
o Tremendous analysis and of “UNFORGIVEN” and the breakdown for powerful endings.
o I really like establishing the ending we’re seeking then going back to set it up appropriately.
Powerful Endings:
BUILD THEIR REPUTATION:
o Don Vito – In the opening scene, Don Vito arrives in a limo, has bodyguards, states that no one has ever lied to him twice. He has a nickname “The Weatherman”. Don Vito tells Jack that he owes him a favor, Don Vito doesn’t ask Jack.
o Jack spins a knife, cuts a loaf of bread in half in one move – and he’s a natural in the kitchen.
o Jack lies to Don Vito about skimming money from the Don – and Don Vito knows.
o The ease with which Jack beats the Trucker who was threatening Puck in the Oklahoma Truck Stop.
o He’s as cool as a cucumber whether he’s having fun, feeling threatened, telling the truth of lying through his teeth – same old Jack.
JUSTIFICATION FOR THE FINAL ACTIONS
o Don Vito threatens to burn the family restaurant to the ground
o Jack is separated from his nephews
o Don Vito tells Jack he won’t follow through on their deal – Carmine’s, the restaurant will be razed.
o Don Vito tells Jack he’s going to teach the nephews a lesson. He also tells Jack he’s going to make him disappear.
CAST DOUBT ON THE SUCCESS OF THE FINAL ACTIONS:
o Jack’s caught stealing from his bookmaking operation
o Lies about seeing the moving body bag (inciting incident)
o Never tells anyone about why he’s taking the trip
o Or where he’s going
o Or what will happen if he doesn’t make it
o He loses all his money
o Shakedown from FBI includes Jack working for them against Don Vito and
o Jack has to wear a wire.
o His Cadillac drives off the shoulder of the road, gets in an accident and is inoperable. There’s only a few hours left to deliver the package.
o Surrounded by bodyguards and Don Vito.
DISCUSS THE FINAL ACTIONS OPENLY:
o Jack says in the beginning, “I’ve got extra time and I’m going to have some fun.”
o Jack again, “We can get to Gina’s house and still make the delivery on time… I think.”
o LC questions Jack about bringing his nephews along for the trip, “How tough can it be?”
o Jack – “I’ll be in and out in no time.”
TWISTS THAT TAKE IT AWAY:
o Leave Vegas and dry ice melts in the trunk and everyone’s knocked out from CO poisoning. Caddy’s wrecked and is inoperable.
o FBI joins the fray and shakes down Jack.
o Jack detects someone following them – a shadow – for a long part of the journey.
o Don Vito – “Sorry Jack, I cannot honor our deal.”
ALTERNATE HOPE/FEAR:
o Have plenty of time to make the trip (hope), Carbon Monoxide poisoning and the Caddy’s wrecked fear). Someone comes to the rescue (hope), it’s the person who’s been following them (fear), says he works for LC (hope), Cadillac won’t start (fear) the guy drives a flatbed tow truck and gets Caddy on (hope)
o Jack makes delivery on time (hope), Jack’s separated from the nephews (fear), boys trick their mob guy and trap him in a casket, have his gun (hope), Don Vito tells Jack won’t honor agreement (fear), Sal enters the room and whistles (hope), Don Vito orders his guards to get Sal (fear) Puck pulls the hammer back on a gun CLICK (hope)
CREATE AND PAY OFF EMOTIONAL SETUPS:
o After the threat from Don Vito in the beginning and continual mocking on calls.
o Jack told by Don Vito that he’s not sticking to his end of the deal.
o After a rocky start with the boys, Jack’s found his stride with them. The boys are both thrilled and scared after watching their uncle at the Truck Stop.
o Jack promises God he’ll be a different person – a changed man – if God saves his nephews.
o Jack prays to God to overlook him drugging the kids.
o He prays for help before he starts gambling – he loses everything.
o After Jack, Puck and Sal drive back from NY with their moms, their mothers question Jack – and the nephews come to his rescue.
SUSPENSE AROUND THE OUTCOME:
o Jack tells Don Vito to do what you want with me, but leave the boys alone.
o Jack asks about the restaurant and Don Vito tells him he can only have one – either the restaurant or his nephews.
o When the nephews are separated from their uncle.
o Making the delivery on time, but the package melts a little too much.
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Budinscak Kick Ass Endings
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great rules for offering endings audiences will enjoy.
o Not only do these endings stand on their own merit, but pieces of the various endings can be melded together to fit a story.
o Find the ending that best fits your story.
SETUP:
Jack must deliver a package to a destination in Burbank, CA by 2:00 Monday to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed.
THE ULTIMATE CONFRONTATION:
Jack makes the delivery on time to save his restaurant, but Don Vito has no interest in honoring it. He separates Jack from his nephews, holding the kids hostage. Don Vito starts the clock – Jack has an hour to find – and save – them.
Realizing who he was dealing with, Jack had his friends/gang stop by the restaurant daily for extended periods of time to watch over it – let no one unknown in. To save the restaurant and the nephews, Jack must work his way through Don Vito’s bodyguards before having a shot at Don Vito himself.
RETURN HOME, ONLY IT’S DIFFERENT
Jack has an unexpected positive effect from the trip with Puck and Sal. Not only was the restaurant saved, but the relationship between Jack and his nephews is special, magical. And that magic has extended over to today
A picture taken at the end of the trip in 1988 converts to present time revealing all the same characters, doing the same thing … only older. There’s a large sign about a ‘Family RE-union’ of 30+ years. Everyone in the movie is there at the celebration – LC, Angel with Jack’s Cadillac, Chick, all the sisters, Puck, Sal, LC’s men Goober & Rico. Everyone.
END WITH A FUTURE:
The nephews bond with their uncle during the course of the trip, and Sal finds his passion – cooking – and he commits to becoming the first ‘trained chef’ in the family. Inspired by the recipe jingle Uncle Jack had him memorize, Sal has completed his training and come back ‘home’ to work with his uncle – at their new place. The new place is located across the parking lot from Carmine’s – and named Jack’s Place. Sal sends his uncle a detailed menu and a floor plan to convert the funeral home into a restaurant.
MAJOR LAYER UNCOVERED:
Jack immediately looks in the cooler and discovers human remains, and he’s guessing it’s the missing witness. Jack works with LC’s uncle, a Federal Marshalls and trades the contents of the cooler with a fake – it’s a wig from LC. Federal Marshalls follow Jack to Vegas and witness their FBI brethren strong-arm Jack – and they admit to providing the witness’ location to Don Vito’s men. The Marshalls capture the rogue FBI agents, then raid the Burbank location and make arrests. Jack’s clear and the restaurant is saved.
GOOD GUY WINS AFTER MUCH PAIN AND RISK:
Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to work with the agency in taking down Don Vito. That’s what we’re led to believe. Actually, these are 2 rogue agents who want to renegotiate with Don Vito – they want more money – and they need Jack to wear a wire to do it. Jack’s nephew suffer CO poisoning and he has to make a decision – nephews or restaurant. Restaurant is going to be tough to save with the caddy being wrecked, it won’t drive and Jack’s still a few hours from Burbank. And the clock is ticking.
Jack carries his nephews to the side of the road and drags the containers from the Cadillac’s trunk’s cooler. He starts hitchhiking and is picked up, by a “Good Humor” truck heading back home – to Burbank.
GREAT PROTAGONIST STRATEGY:
Before even starting his trip, Jack contacts Witness Protection. He makes the trip to Terre Haute and meets covertly with the authorities. They swap out the contents of the cooler and Jack makes the trip as though nothing has happened.
Just outside Burbank, Jack rendezvous with the Feds and they lay out a plan to safely evacuate Jack and his nephews, save the restaurant and capture Don Vito and his minions.
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Budinscak Three Endings
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Interesting piece on endings – Happy is the best for box office, Tragedy is best for critics and Ironic most often picked for Oscars.
o When done well, Ironic endings are the ‘best’ since they show both good and bad and audiences accept them as the most realistic.
UP ENDING:
Beginning of 3rd Act:
Jack has lost a bunch of money gambling and is shaken down by the FBI back at the Vegas hotel room. Not only does the FBI force Jack to work for them, but the steal the rest of his money – Jack at his lowest point and the nephews both see and feel it.
TWISTS:
o Jack recruits both boys to help steal gifts from a wedding at their hotel – they keep the cash and return checks – for spending money.
o Jack can’t find ice so he takes dry ice, but it melts and carbon monoxide poisoning knocks out Jack, Puck and Sal in the car.
o When Jack’s knocked out, his Caddy bounces along the shoulder of the road toward a ravine – a flatbed tow truck hits the Caddy to stop it, but damages it.
o Jack’s nephews stay knocked out from CO poisoning.
CRISIS:
Jack announces to God that he’ll be a changed man, a caring individual, if God saves his nephews, Jack will protect them. Sal stirs right away and Jack tries to backtrack his pledge, but it takes longer for Puck to recover and Jack’s changed by that time.
CLIMAX:
Jack’s decision to save and protect his nephews pays off when they outfox their captor and come back to rescue Uncle Jack.
WHETHER THE PROTAGONIST GOT THEIR GOAL/NEED, NEITHER OR BOTH:
Jack got his need – his nephews safety, and he did get his goal – the restaurant was saved.
DOWN ENDING:
Beginning of 3rd Act:
Jack rides a wave of gambling winnings and attention from women that he craves. To celebrate, he keeps his nephews in their Vegas hotel room while he goes to the bar.
TWISTS:
o The FBI finds him passed out and take him to a room for interrogation.
o By the time Jack gets to his room, the nephews are gone and he has to find them. The clock’s ticking for him to make it to Burbank on time.
o Jack gets stuck in traffic, and no matter what he does, he can’t make it to Burbank on time.
CRISIS:
Jack blames his nephews for being late. His decision to get drunk and then be held captive by the FBI is blamed on them.
CLIMAX:
Don Vito has Carmine’s burned to the ground and let’s Puck and Sal know how their uncle screwed up, forever ruining the relationships for both nephews and their uncle.
WHETHER THE PROTAGONIST GOT THEIR GOAL, NEED, NEITHER OR BOTH:
Jack comes away empty-handed. He’s lost his goal, the family heirloom in the DiLuna legacy by missing the cutoff time the restaurant was burned. Jack also lost his need when he blamed Puck and Sal for his being late delivering the package. The boys have seen this from their uncle previously – the bank ride – and have lost respect for their uncle.
IRONIC ENDING:
Beginning of the 3rd Act:
Jack may have lost at gambling and the FBI’s given him grief, but his nephews have rallied around him and he basks in their attention.
TWISTS:
Jack has no money and steals the dry ice for his package – it melts and everyone passes out.
The CO poisoning affects Puck and Sal – they have vivid hallucinations of riding horses on the open range and a great experience with their uncle.
Jack pleads to God for help and pledges to be a changed man. Sal stirs, but Puck needs medical attention.
CRISIS:
Jack makes his decision – he drops the nephews off at a hospital and runs out the back door to make it to Burbank.
CLIMAX
Jack saves the restaurant, but loses the trust and love of his nephews.
WHETHER THE PROTAGONIST GOT THEIR GOAL, NEED. NEITHER OR BOTH.
Jack got his goal, he saved the restaurant. He did make a partial get on his need – he saved his nephews – but lost their respect and love by how he did it. A decision that will never be forgotten or forgiven.
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Budinscak 3rd Act Structure
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o How to answer all questions and setups for an ending an audience will enjoy.
o What’s needed to meet and exceed an audience’s expectations.
o How to write the final act and have the audience leave with the message and emotion you want them to experience.
A.
1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?
The story is based on an actual trip I took cross-country in a Cadillac with 5 aunts and uncles traveling from upstate NY to Burbank, CA. My uncle was the ‘black sheep’ of the family and I still have fun memories of that trip all these years later. It’s an homage to family and a family tradition.
2. What is the main conflict of the story?
The main conflict is between a rogue uncle and his two pesky, preteen nephews.
3. What is the main goal/need for your protagonist?
The main goal is to deliver a package on time to a destination in Burbank to save his restaurant from being burned to the ground.
4. What is the character arc of your main characters?
Characters: Uncle Jack and nephews Puck and Sal.
Jack – evolves from selfish, me-first/me-only type to becoming a caring uncle and person.
Puck – changes from an intimidated nerd afraid of life to experiencing life.
Sal – goes from a sneaky kid to finding his life’s passion.
5. How do you want this movie to end?
I want it to end on a fun note, upbeat and have the audience remember the ending.
B.
1. Plot Point 2 – A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
It happens in Las Vegas where Jack loses most of his money, he’s shaken down by the FBI to work for them, they steal the rest of his money and they’re left with nothing.
2. Crisis – The decision point.
When the boys suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning, Jack promises God he’ll change and be the uncle they want.
3. Climax – Being the Protagonist face-to-face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
After making the delivery in Burbank, Jack is separated from his nephews and realizes he may lose the restaurant. The nephews trick their captor and take his gun. They rescue their uncle and free him from his captor, Don Vito.
4. Resolution – Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
After their successful escape, they trio takes a red-eye to JFK to pick up Jack’s sisters (and the nephews mothers). The moms question Jack on the ride home (where’s your Cadillac) and the boys come to his rescue. It’s obvious enough that the mothers notice it. When the arrive at Carmine’s, their restaurant, a picture is taken and posted on the wall of pictures inside. The picture triggers a time change from 1988 to present where we meet all our characters in today’s terms – and it’s the 30+ year of the “family RE-union”.
5. Final Page – the final minute of the movie.
They see a happy celebration of family and friends.
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Budinscak Great Ending
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
The subtle setups and hints throughout Act 1 and Act 2 are incredible. The opening scene with Keaton getting shot and not looking too surprised by his assailant isn’t
quite the story Kint tells. From, ‘it’s a shakedown, they never put 5 felons together’, to the spook story about Keyser Sose, to the ‘greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing world he didn’t exist’, Kint opening his Kobayashi file by holding it in his teeth to fake being compromised, Kujan appears to want it to be Keaton so much he overlooks the weak, stupid, cripple in front of him (Kujan’s own words said multiple times) – constant words, sets, visuals that when analyzed can be found, but the movie was so good, they never gave away the ending – but they’re there. Setup/payoff.
MOVIE:
THE USUAL SUSPECTS
BASIC STORY UP TO 3RD ACT:
An explosion on a boat in the San Pedro harbor has killed about 27 people and there are 2 survivors – one man in a coma in the hospital and Verbal Kint, being held at police headquarters. Many top people are involved, from the Mayor, Police Chief, politicians, federal agencies – including Agent Kujan, who flew in for the opportunity to speak with Verbal Kint before he makes bail. Kujan is warned upfront by his buddy at SPPD (Rabin) that Kint’s lawyer wields power and he cut a great deal – beware of him. But Kujan wants to have a general conversation with him.
Kint is brought to Rabin’s sloppy, jam packed office and he’s looking over the board behind Rabin’s desk, chuck-full of flyers, reports, mug shots – fertile ground for a deviant mind. Kujan starts his interview and Kint weaves a complex trail that takes us from the initial meeting at the lineup (Inciting Incident), to McManus having a job that needed one more person, bad cop Keaton (who’d gone straight, but was embarrassed by Kujan at an investor meeting and now believes his ‘new career’ is over) coming on board, to the NY Taxi heist and embarrassment, to Kobayashi being introduced and telling everyone that that stole from Sose and he has an offer for them to earn their freedom. One job, oine day, very dangerous. The team is told Sose’s major interest is narcotics and he wants these guys to steal the money ($91M), destroy the coke and the Argentine gang he’s competing against will be beaten – and they’ll be free.
Kujan tells Kint that he’s smarter than Kint many times. A police sketch artist compiles a drawing based on the survivor’s description.
30 minute mark starts with Hockney stating ‘the package has arrived’ – the money arrives in a van. And we are now ready for Act 3.
THIRD ACT POINTS:
TWIST: The team was hired to destroy the drugs from a competing gang to Sose, but no drugs are found.
TWIST: How did Kint survive – Kint tells Kujan that Keaton told him to stay behind with the money and find Edie Finneran and tell her “I tried”.
TWIST: Hockney finds the money, and he’s shot from behind.
TWIST: Kujan asks Kint why he didn’t try and help his friend (Keaton), Kint says he thought Keaton may pull it off and he remembered what Fenster looked like dead.
TWIST: Kujan tries to convince Kint to turn evidence against Sose and go into police protection.
TWIST: McManus approached Keaton and utters ‘strangest thing’, then drops face down dead from a knife(?) in his neck.
TWIST: Kujan challenges Kint until Kint breaks down and admits to being afraid to shoot Sose in the back. He shows Kujan his deformed hand – “what if I missed?”
TWIST: Kujan figures out it’s a hit, but he’s convinced that it’s Keaton. When Kint asks ‘why me?’, Kujan says ‘you’re a cripple, stupid and weaker than the others’.
TWIST: Kint’s last words “I’m not a rat” and “fucking cops” before he limps out the door.
CRISIS: Kujan tells Kint he’s made bail and Kint leaves.
TWIST: Kujan comments to Rabin about what a slob he is, and Rabin says ‘… have to stand back and take a look at it.” Kujan puts the pieces together and knows he’s been had. He takes off after Kint.
TWIST: Kint’s limp disappears along with his deformed hand. He hops in a Jag driven by his ‘attorney Kobayashi’.
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Budinscak Colorful Dialogue
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Colorful dialogue attracts A-list talent.
o Attached to character traits, colorful dialogue stands out for the character and moves the story forward.
o How dialogue can rescue a script, and make a good script superior.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of the second part of Act 2. Jack and Lou, the FBI guy, spar in Jack’s Las Vegas hotel.
Scene:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack sits comfortably in a chair as Lou paces back and forth like a big dog on a short leash.
LOU
How’d you like to work for us?
JACK
For or with?
LOU
With. With us.
JACK
To be blunt, I don’t trust you as far as I can toss you from the roof of a ten-story building. What do you want from me?
LOU
I want you to wear a wire.
JACK
Oh what a tangled web we weave when our intention is to deceive. N F W.
LOU
Jack, we’ve enlisted you to help bring down Don Vito. You know that you work for us now.
JACK
I ain’t part of your yellow-tailed rat brigade. No, I don’t work for you.
LOU
We’re just alike, Jack.
JACK
We are nothing alike. You and the mob are just alike, only they dress in much better suits.
LOU
Not true, Jack. We all have a price.
JACK
You can’t find enough money in your black ops budget to hire me.
LOU
One call to the Department of Health in Albany and they’ll send a Field Inspector to Geeville. I’m positive Carmine’s will be shut down with… I’ll make something up, East Nile Avian Flu. Sound nice? And there’s no cure. Gonna shut you down for a while.
JACK
You don’t want to do that.
LOU
Why? We’re the government, Jack, we do whatever we want. You have no recourse.
JACK
Don’t ever screw with my family. Carmine’s is family, too.
LOU
You’re going to wear a wire.
JACK
You say you can do whatever you want and we’re here? A threat? It appears the smart people on this government payroll are really pretty stupid. Intimidation – that don’t sit well with me.
Jack stands.
LOU
Jack, wait a minute.
JACK
No, we’re done, Lou. You committed the cardinal sin, you’ve begun to waste my precious time.
Jack grabs Lou’s collar, drags him to the door and tosses him into the hallway like a ragdoll.
JACK
Think before you come here again. The next time I’ll throw you out the fucking window.
Jack slams the door shut on the stunned FBI guy.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
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Budinscak Subtext Pointers 2
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Subtext Pointers enhance the reader’s and audience’s story experience.
o We can have the audience experience what we want them to experience with the right subtext in dialogue, actions and scenes.
Select a scene that has two components:
A) Something is hidden that…
B) …is part of a conflict between the two people.
A – Jack’s sister, Cat, doesn’t approve of Jack making a trip to Atlantic City for Don Vito.
B – Conflict – Cat doesn’t know the trip is to Burbank, she doesn’t know why Jack’s making the trip and she has no clue her nephews, Puck & Sal, are with Jack.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of Act 2. In a New Mexico hotel, Jack decides to check in back home and home means calling the restaurant.
Scene:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Typical dingy hotel room.
JACK
Hey, you two, go take a bath, shower or something. Get clean.
PUCK
But…
JACK
You stink. Go.
Jack waits for the bathroom door to close before he makes his call. He knows full well everyone will be in the weeds over the lunch hour. He rejoices over the thought.
CAT (OS)
Carmine’s. Can you hold, please?
JACK
Sure.
Indistinct conversations in the background – they’re real busy. Jack knows he called at the perfect time.
CAT (OS)
Sorry. Carmine’s, may I help you?
JACK
Cat, Jack.
CAT (OS)
Oh, it’s mister Atlantic City. Are you calling to check in with us or check up on us?
JACK
As pleasant as always. How’s lunch?
CAT (OS)
Busier than hell. You should be here and not in Atlantic City.
JACK
Someone asks me a favor, I help out.
CAT (OS)
Do me a favor then, come to work. (beat) When the Old Man asks a favor, he wants something. What do you owe him, Jack?
JACK
I’m just checking IN to see if you needed my help with anything, see if you miss me. That stuff.
CAT
Riiiiight. Hold on.
Muffled conversations.
INT. CARMINE’S – CONTINUOUS
Carmine’s is busy. Cat’s behind the counter, phone buried in her hip, directing business via hand signals that would make any traffic cop proud.
CAT
Hey, you two. Over here – counter. (to her sister) Betty, two plates, two on one and three on one. With everything. (back on the phone) Jack, what do you want?
INT. HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Jack looks at the bathroom door when he talks with Cat
JACK
Hey, who’s cooking?
CAT (OS)
Tommy. Anything else?
JACK
What are you doing later?
CAT (OS)
Waiting for Mary to show up. She watched Packs….
JACK
Packs?
CAT (OS)
Short for backpack. Puck’s new nickname.
JACK
I wonder if he takes it off to shower?
CAT (OS)
Got me. Well, Mary had Puck and Sal last night and I’m taking care of them tonight.
JACK
Really? Where’s Mary?
CAT (OS)
I don’t know. She should be here by now. Why? Are you checking UP on her?
JACK
What are you going to do with boys?
CAT (OS)
Puck and Sal? I was thinking of renting a movie. (beat) Hold on. Hey!
Muffled conversations continue where Cat left off. The shower’s no longer running in the hotel bathroom.
JACK
Cat!
CAT (OS)
What?
JACK
What movie you thinking of renting?
CAT (OS)
The boys like Clint Eastwood, so…
JACK
Don’t rent anything.
CAT (OS)
Why?
JACK
They won’t be interested.
CAT (OS)
You know all about kids now?
JACK
Puck and Sal are here with me.
CAT (OS)
WHAT?
JACK
We’re in Atlantic City. Gotta go.
Jack hangs up as the bathroom door opens and his nephews spill into the room.
SAL
Who was that?
JACK
It wasn’t the answer man.
-
Budinscak Cover-ups
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great way to keep your characters’ actions & dialogue consistent throughout the script.
o We are able to convey the meaning we want the audience to experience by selecting the best line in the appropriate situation.
Setup:
It’s the very beginning of Act 2. LC questions Jack, “What are you going to do about you nephews?”
Scene:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
In the cramped stuffed with junk, LC watches the wheels turn in his buddy’s head. Jack, shocked to have uninvited company on his trip, scrambles for an answer, any answer.
LC
What are you going to do about your nephews?
Silence
Jack just looks at LC and shrugs his shoulders. He stands and paces around the office.
Action incongruent with words
Jack pulls a bottle of bourbon from LC’s desk, fills a glass and downs it. He pours another – it’s hammered time.
JACK
Guess it’s time to show them the ropes of life on the road.
Change the subject
Tell me about call center again.
Question them
How do you think it should be handled?
Attack back
I guess they’ll fare better if they’re here with you.
Compliment them
I love what you’ve done with your office.
Threaten them
I’m going to leave them with you.
Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.
Puck’s smarter than me, and Sal’s a mini-me.
Misdirection
What do you think the boys want to do?
Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event
Jack weeps and falls to his knees praying for help or guidance.
Distraction
Who’s the babe you hired to run the call center?
Make a joke of it
What will the two nephew call LC when I leave them with you? Uncle.
Continue the conversation as if nothing happened
I figure I’ll stop in Las Vegas for a full day of gambling, so I’ll have to make up driving time by hardly sleeping. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.
Scene with selection:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
In the cramped stuffed with junk, LC watches the wheels turn in his buddy’s head. Jack, shocked to have uninvited company on his trip, scrambles for an answer, any answer.
LC
What are you going to do about your nephews?
Change the subject
JACK – Tell me about call center again.
LC
No, let’s talk about your nephews.
Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.
JACK – Puck’s smarter than me, and Sal’s a mini-me. I’ve got an idea how this story’s going to end, but I’m bringing them with me. How tough can it be?
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Budinscak Dialogue Structures
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Easy to implement tools to make our story’s conversations more real.
o Amazing piece from the ‘AMERICAN PRESIDENT’ from Aaron Sorkin.
Setup:
It’s the middle of Act 2 and we’re in Las Vegas.
Scene:
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck, with backpack, and Sal scamper through the packed parking lot searching cars like squirrels rummaging around for nuts.
PUCK
I’m sick and gonna throw up.
SAL
I’m searching for my mommy. Can you help?
PUCK
Where’s the gold? Where’s the gold?
SAL
Thunderstorms are coming, we need to be prepared.
PUCK
I’m terrified of a haboob.
Sal stops and gives Puck a ‘oh, I can top that’ smirk.
SAL
I’m looking for a dirty rotten pet snake.
Puck nods – you were right. Good call.
PUCK
Two minutes, one dollar.
SAL
You’re on.
The boys glide around people and moving cars, their eyes focused on their quarry like famished lions on a hunt.
PUCK
There it is. Over by the van.
SAL
I see it. Got what you need?
Puck follows Sal to a new Cadillac, uncle Jack’s doppleganger auto, the one driven by the snooty and mean, corpulent couple.
SAL
You’re up. I’m your eyes.
PUCK
Starting now.
Puck pulls a screwdriver out of his backpack and removes the Caddy’s plates with ease – too fast for Sal.
SAL
You’ve been practicing. (beat) Stop. Puck, stop. Large Marge and Little Dick coming this way.
LARGE MARGE
What are you boys doing by our car?
SAL
Puck, find him?
Puck worms his body from underneath the Cadillac.
PUCK
Not yet.
LITTLE DICK
Find what?
SAL
My cousin’s dirty rotten pet snake.
LARGE MARGE
Snake?
PUCK
He’s a devilish little guy. Well, three feet isn’t little. Thought I saw him slide under here.
SAL
We never could figure out how he got inside the car. It’s not like he’s got hands to open the door.
Marge and Dick exchange knowing glances – knowing it’s time to get the hell out of there.
PUCK
Good thing he’s not too poisonous.
SAL
Remember the last time?
LARGE MARGE
Don’t we have an appointment inside, honey? C’mon, bye.
The corpulent couple turn and were gone.
PUCK
What are we going to do about the time?
SAL
Three, two, one.
Puck swaps a license plate out of his backpack with the large couple’s Caddy. Like a pro, the ‘new’ plate is on in no time.
PUCK
Done.
SAL
Hmmm. I think you set me up.
PUCK
Never.
SAL
I can’t tell you the exact time, but you were fast.
PUCK
Thanks. Cool call, I always enjoy dirty rotten pet snake. Too bad they left so early.
SAL
I know. Marge no likey snakes. I wanted to show you my new I-just-got-bit move. (beat) You took advantage of your cousin, didn’t you?
PUCK
I wouldn’t do that. You owe me a buck.
Sal reaches into his pocket. He extends the dollar to Puck, but snaps it back before Puck can grab it.
SAL
Alright, double or nothing. You in?
PUCK
You kidding? Name it.
-
Budinscak Anticipatory Dialogue
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The importance of Anticipatory Dialogue, we’ve covered it previously and circled back to it.
o It keeps the reader engaged and curious to what will happen.
o The frequency this dialogue trait shows up in movies of all genres.
Setup:
We’re in Act 2. Jack, Puck and Sal have pulled off the highway and into a rest area.
Scene:
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Weary travelers, Jack, Puck and Sal, study a vending machine with very few selections and none of them appealing.
JACK
Ah, food.
PUCK
You know you’re going to get sick eating this stuff.
SAL
It’s going to be worse than that.
Jack feed coins into the vending machine and selects an apple pie.
PUCK
Oh, God.
JACK
We’ll know if this is any good in about ten minutes. (He takes a bite) Starting now.
PUCK
Do we need barf bags, garbage bags… body bag?
SAL
Uncle Jack, you may never be yourself again.
JACK
I’m taking the bullet for you two. You want to eat this?
PUCK
I bet there’s a great chance it comes out of both orifices.
Jack stops chewing – huh? Sal scratches his head.
SAL
So would he be the guy who farted and threw up, or would he be the buy who burped and shit himself?
Jack scoffs at his nephews and takes another bite.
JACK
I’m pretty sure this apple pie is perfectly safe.
Puck grabs the wrapper – oh, oh.
PUCK
Get ready. The apple pie expired six months ago.
Jack sniffs the apple pie and tosses it. He gags slightly, then stares in silence at the restroom sign down the hall.
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Budinscak Contrast Scene
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great scene examples for contrasting dialogue – “PULP FICTION” and “NETWORK”.
o Great way to work in the character’s world view.
o Hal likes barbeque.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of Act 2. After a long ride, everyone’s tired so Jack and the boys pull into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma for food, fuel and ice.
After dinner, Jack goes out for a smoke and the boys go the bathroom. Sal rushes up to his uncle, Puck’s in trouble. A trucker has Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
Scene:
INT. TRUCK STOP DINER – NIGHT
HALLWAY
Sal runs to keep up with his uncle, Jack’s a man on a mission. He stops short of the bathroom door and hands Sal an “Out of Order” sign.
JACK
When I yell ‘Sal’, come in, grab Puck and get out of there.
SAL
Okay.
JACK
Don’t let anyone in, okay?
Jack smiles at his nephew who nods crazily. Jack places the sign on the door handle and walks into the
BATHROOM
The large trucker leans against the closed door of a stall. He turns to Jack sizing him up – no threat here.
TRUCKER
What do you want?
JACK
You know growing up, my handwriting was so bad, even I couldn’t read it. That’s not good for a chef. So I had to come up with something to remember recipes, and I thought, hey, I’ll make up a song. You know, so it’d rhyme and stuff.
TRUCKER
This bathroom is closed.
JACK
You like music? I’ve always been a fan of the Crooners – Frank, Bing, Perry, Vic and especially Dean. I’m a huge Dean Martin fan.
The physically imposing trucker steps in front of Jack and folds his arms, blocking Jack’s path.
TRUCKER
I just said the bathroom is closed.
JACK
I’m a pretty darn good chef, Italian’s my specialty. A great thing about Italian food, everybody makes it a little different – and it all tastes good – most of the time. Me, I love Braciole (Bra-show-lay)
TRUCKER
I don’t give a shit what you love.
PUCK (OS)
Uncle Jack?
The trucker looms over Jack, he’s not the least bit worried when he mocks Puck’s voice.
TRUCKER
Did your uncle come to res…
Jack’s right hand snaps out and finds its mark – the trucker’s adam’s apple. The big man’s hands go to his throat – he can’t breath.
JACK
This is one of my favorite recipes. I sing it to Dino’s “It’s Amore”.
Jack sweeps out the trucker’s right foot and the big man hits the tile floor knees first – intense pain shoots through his body. Jack hums the Dean Martin classic then breaks into song.
JACK
Take bottom round, pound and a pound, that’s braciole. Salt, pepper and chees – fresh parmesan, please – that’s braciole. Garlic and spice, tie it up nice, that’s braciole.
Jack rips a towel dispenser off the wall.
JACK
(speaks this part) Don’t forget to brown it on all sides in olive oil.
Jack smashes it over the trucker’s head. Blood rolls down the man’s face.
JACK
Sal!
Sal bursts in and runs to the stall where Puck hides. Puck emerges, shaken but okay. They look at their uncle, the trucker, then back to their uncle. Jack finishes his song.
JACK
Save for the sauce, so sings the boss, that’s braciole!
Jack kicks the trucker in the ribs – hard.
PUCK
Please stop.
Jack kicks him again.
JACK
Sure. Now get the hell outta here!
The boys flee. Jack throws his hands up – he skipped a verse.
JACK
Dammit, I forgot the crushed red pepper.
Jack rolls the trucker on his back. The big man’s eyes open.
JACK
You can make braciole anyway you like. I’ve seen ‘em big, too big, where they look like a shitty version of meatloaf. Big, lumpy, lousy… just like you. I love braciole, especially the small ones. I protect the small ones. They’re delicate, they’re innocent. They deserve our attention. We need to respect and protect them. They’re just kids.
Jack punches him in the mouth and knocks out three teeth.
JACK
I come this way a lot. I better never see you again.
Jack checks his reflection in the mirror – he likes what he sees. He walks over the top of the trucker – literally. On Jack’s last step, he stomps on the trucker’s ankle before he exits.
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Budinscak World View Scene
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The need to be extremely selective with dialog to ensure maximum impact.
o Every character has their own World View reflected in their dialogue.
o Easy model to construct around a character.
Character Name: Jack
World View: The world is my oyster.
Life Metaphor: Somebody’s gotta be king.
Food
Gambling
Sex
Rules and Strategies: Horse Test.
One for you, one for me.
Do it first, before they’re ready.
Justifications: “If they’re saying no, you ain’t asking the right question.” “Somebody’s gotta do it, might as well be me.”
Scene:
EXT. DOWNTOWN PARK – DAY
The quaint park is lined with booths featuring restaurants and diners from around the area. A banner over the entrance proclaims “Geeville’s Finest Eateries”.
A ravenous crowd surrounds the exhibit from Carmine’s Restaurant – they’re there for him, they’re Jack’s Pack.
Jack whips out two knives and spins them around like a couple of pistols before beautifully carving and plating the dish. He eyes the crowd as he shaves parmesan on top, and spots his quarry. He points to a man in a blue shirt, the man waves back.
JACK
Hey, blue shirt!
The man leans forward over the counter so Jack can see him.
JACK
Hands and arms up!
Jack has a clear shot down the countertop. He slings the dish and it stops perfectly in front of the man in the blue shirt. Applause follows Jack as he delivers utensils.
JACK
Mangia!
He takes a long bow, but his eyes follow the legs of the approaching LISA HAMM, newscaster and puma in pumps for the local TV station.
LISA
Mr. DiLuna, wonderful display today. The crowd loved it. What did you serve?
JACK
I call it Jack’s Secret. That’s all I can tell you.
LISA
You can’t share anything else?
JACK
No, not until we know this year’s champion. I got a bet with last year’s champ, Jimmy’s Bistro, on this dish. I can’t jinx myself. (beat) Look.
Jack motions to the man in the blue shirt – he’s licking his plate clean. The crowd roars.
LISA
He’s calling it a winner.
JACK
Somebody’s gotta be king, right?
LISA
Where did you learn that impressive knife work?
JACK
Those knife skills were honed on streets far from here.
She gives him an inquisitive look – huh?
LISA
Mr. DiLuna, is that recipe an original of yours?
JACK
Yes and no. Yes, it’s an original, but it’s not completely mine. This one came from my ma.
LISA
She taught you well.
JACK
Yes, she did, and not just in the kitchen. Can I interest you in a private taste test, Ms. Hamm?
Lisa flushes fast, she’s beet red from her chest to her forehead in two seconds. Jack rubs his hands together, like the big bad wolf.
LISA
That didn’t sound quite right, Mr. DiLuna.
JACK
Depends on what you want to hear. And please call me, Jack.
LISA
Okay, Mister … Jack. Umm…
JACK
May I have the pleasure of your company for a special dinner at my place? Bring a couple of your friends to Carmine’s.
Lisa likes this iteration of Jack, not the creepy version.
LISA
I get to bring two guests?
Jack simply smiles, a camouflage hunter waiting for its prey.
JACK
Yes. And call me direct for a reservation.
LISA
You got it. Hey, it appears the committee has found their winner.
They did. Its winners: Carmine’s – best dish and Jack – Top Chef. Jack does his best Jack impersonation. He throws his arm around Lisa’s shoulder and spins her until she faces the camera. He looks into the lens and winks.
JACK
If anyone wants to enjoy this winning dish, please come to Carmine’s and tell them Lisa sent you. Don’t wait, call now. Ciao.
Jack pecks Lisa’s blushing cheek, turns and saunters away. He points, waves and winks to people in the crowd, just like a seasoned politician.
-
Budinscak Character Traits Live
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o A great guideline for your characters – they’ll know what to do and say in any scene.
o In the example from “TRAINING DAY”, so little said, so much inferred.
o Interesting way to ensure dialog is necessary.
Characters:
Jack – Uncle
Slick/street smart
Selfish
Condescending
Evasive
Puck – Nephew
Nerdy
Insecure
Devious
Intimidated
Sal – Nephew
Sneaky
Smartass
Manipulative
Bully
Setup:
It’s the beginning of Act 2. The Cadillac cruises up a pot-hole infested driveway and comes to a halt in the parking lot of the Platinum Restaurant, a rundown, greasy-spoon.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys hungrily stare at the dump of a restaurant.
SAL
I’m starving. Puck, you?
PUCK
Hungry yeah, but …
JACK
We ain’t eating here.
SAL
Why? Puck and I need food. Right, Puck?
JACK
I don’t think so, young-lets. I don’t trust this place.
SAL
What makes you say that, the ripped awning?
PUCK
Or is it the general malaise of the facility?
Both Jack and Sal, turn to Puck and stare. Jack turns up his nose and mouths ‘malaise, wow’.
JACK
Puck, you want to talk so Sal and I can understand?
PUCK
Why don’t you want to eat here, Uncle Jack? What is it?
SAL
Yeah, I need to know, too.
Jack’s gaze travels from each nephew, to the restaurant and back.
JACK
The same reason you give a woman in a bar the horse test?
PUCK
What’s the horse test?
Sal leans closer to his uncle – he doesn’t want to miss a thing.
JACK
It’s the reason we’re leaving. It ain’t clean.
EXT. RESTAURANT PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
The Caddy’s engine revs and begins to move…
SAL (OS)
Stop!
INT. CADILLAC – CONTINUOUS
Jack slams on the brakes, it sends the nephews flying into the back of the front seats. A smirk creases Jack’s face – hope it didn’t hurt too much.
JACK
Sorry about that.
PUCK
OW! You did that on purpose.
SAL
Don’t be mean to Puck.
JACK
One more time, sorry.
PUCK
Okay. Now what’s the horse test?
JACK
It’s how to determine if a horse is clean, you know, healthy.
SAL
Huh?
JACK
If you want to know if a horse is clean, check its shoes and teeth. If the shoes and teeth are clean, the horse is clean.
Jack watches Puck and Sal turn to one another – what?
JACK
Ripped awning, dirty windows, shitty driveway, box truck in the parking lot. Even the starving bypass this place.
PUCK
What has that got to do with a woman in bar?
Sal’s snicker draws looks from Puck and Jack.
JACK
Care to elaborate, Sal?
SAL
Sure. Yeah, it means… um… if her teeth are like her shoes, she’s got horse breath, right? What does it mean, Uncle Jack?
JACK
It means we’re getting the hell out of here.
PUCK
What about a woman in a bar?
JACK
That’s the story for another day. Boys, count it down.
PUCK AND SAL
Three, two, one … go!
EXT. RESTAURANT PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
The Cadillac’s engine revs and the car fishtails out of the parking lot.
-
Budinscak Great Dialogue Scene from The Matrix
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Neo has very little revealing dialog in this early scene, but it’s Trinity’s piece that drew me in. It’s her time to shine.
o The importance of this advanced dialog module to the whole program.
o The two facets of dialogue: constant expressions of character and the consistent attack/counterattack.
COMMENT: This is not the best example of great dialog in the movie, but I always enjoyed the initial meeting of Neo and Trinity. All he can do is ask questions, he has no answers, which is ironic since he is ‘The One’, the answer to solving the Matrix.
INT. APARTMENT
An older apartment; a series of halls connects a chain of small high-ceilinged rooms lined with heavy casements. Smoke hangs like a veil, blurring the few lights there are. Dressed predominately in black, people are everywhere, gathered in cliques around pieces of furniture like jungle cats around a tree.
Neo stands against a wall, alone, sipping from a bottle of beer, feeling completely out of place. He is about to leave when he notices a woman staring at him. The woman is Trinity. She walks straight up to him. In the nearest room, shadow-like figures grind against each other to the pneumatic beat of INDUSTRIAL MUSIC.
TRINITY
Hello, Neo.
NEO
How do you know that name?
TRINITY
I know a lot about you. I’ve been wanting to meet you for some time.
****Note: Implication that Trinity’s been searching for Neo for a while.
NEO
Who are you?
TRINITY
My name is Trinity.
NEO
Trinity? The Trinity? The Trinity that cracked the I.R.S. D-Base?
****Note: Establishes a legend, the badass known only by one name – Trinity. I will not dive down the rabbit hole of the religious references tied to Trinity.
TRINITY
That was a long time ago.
NEO
Gee-zus.
TRINITY
What?
NEO
I just thought– you were a guy.
***Note: One of the two statements Neo makes in this scene, otherwise he’s in information acquisition mode asking questions. He’s ill prepared for the reality of his situation.
TRINITY
Most guys do.
***Note: Great line full of subtext.
Neo is a little embarrassed.
NEO
Do you want to go somewhere and talk?
TRINITY
No. It’s safe here and I don’t have much time.
****Note: Implication – time is of the essence, everything I’m telling you is important.
The MUSIC is so LOUD they must stand very close, talking directly into each other’s ear.
NEO
That was you on my computer?
She nods.
NEO
How did you do that?
****Note: He’s still trying to figure out the ‘how’ and Trinity’s way, way beyond that.
TRINITY
Right now, all I can tell you, is that you are in danger. I brought you here to warn you.
****Note: Snap back to reality – Neo, you’re in danger.
NEO
Of what?
TRINITY
They’re watching you, Neo.
NEO
Who is?
TRINITY
Please. Just listen. I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone and why, night after night, you sit at your computer. You’re looking for him.
****Note: Introduces us to ‘him’, aka Morpheus. Trinity has baited her hook well, Neo circles inquisitively.
Her body is against his; her lips very close to his ear.
TRINITY
I know because I was once looking for the same thing, but when he found me he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer.
****Note: She knows Neo’s ready to bite.
There is a hypnotic quality to her voice and Neo feels the words, like a drug, seeping into him.
TRINITY
It’s the question that drives us, the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did.
NEO
What is the Matrix?
TRINITY
When I asked him, he said that no one could ever be told the answer to that question. They have to see it to believe it.
She leans close, her lips almost touching his ear.
TRINITY
The answer is out there, Neo. It’s looking for you and it will find you, if you want it to.
***Note: Trinity has all of Neo’s attention. She’s got him, he’s hooked.
She turns and he watches her melt into the shifting wall of bodies. A SOUND RISES steadily, growing out of the MUSIC, pressing in on Neo until it is all he can hear as we –
CUT TO:
INT. NEO’S APARTMENT
The sound is an ALARM CLOCK, slowly dragging Neo to consciousness. He strains to read the clock-face: 9:15!A.M.
NEO
Shitshitshit
-
REQUEST FOR FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
Budinscak Final Scene
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o A fun module with many, many applications for scenes, plots, characters and dialog that brings “deeper meaning”.
o Subtext is easy to design and add to just about any scene.
o Subtext gets the audience involved and it’s a fine payoff for them.
Character: Puck
Subtext Identity: Erudite nephew with a devious side
Character Traits: Nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext Logline: Puck is the erudite nephew with a devious side who constantly holds his uncle accountable and cousin in line.
Character: Sal
Subtext Identity: Sneaky nephew and convincing liar.
Character Traits: Manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext Logline: Sal is the sneaky nephew and convincing liar who is the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Setup:
We’re in the second part of Act 2. Jack, Puck and Sal are ‘gambling’ at Circus Circus where adults can gamble real money downstairs and kids can play their games upstairs.
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – NIGHT
Upstairs at the children’s casino, Puck and Sal play the clown water balloon game where Puck shows an innate ability to shoot the water gun into the clown’s mouth. Puck wins when he beats Sal and 4 other kids. GEOFF, the slick game attendant, advises Sal and Puck.
GEOFF
Hey there, little man. Some of the best shooting I’ve since west of the Mississippi.
Puck wears his ‘aw shucks’ look, Sal wears one of modest disgust.
PUCK
Thanks, Mister.
SAL
What about my shooting?
GEOFF
It was right up there, too. I believe we need a final duel to declare a winner with just you two. Ready?
Puck and Sal size up one another – it’s on. The get in their respective slots – Sal in 7, Puck in 8.
SAL
Lucky number seven, Puck.
PUCK
We’ll see, Salvatore.
GEOFF
Gentlemen, are you ready? Three, two, one …
Geoff reaches below the counter and flips a switch on number 8. That water balloon fills first and bursts.
PUCK
Yesssss. Take that, Sal.
SAL
Good shooting, Puck, but I think I was robbed.
Sal shoots a look to Geoff to confirm, but Geoff’s face registers, don’t even go there.
GEOFF
You’ve won enough tickets that you can redeem for some real cool stuff.
SAL
Redeem?
PUCK
Exchange.
Geoff smirks warmly watching the cousins nod to each other before he points down the hallway.
GEOFF
Follow that hallway and just around the corner is the Prize Booth. Tell them Geoff sent you.
Sal and Puck are wide-eyed and bushy tailed – they run down the hall to the
PRIZE BOOTH
CHET, laconic and slightly high, works behind the counter at the Prize Booth dispensing cheap toys and trinkets. The boys rush through the entrance doors.
CHET
Looks like a couple of winners here.
PUCK
Geoff sent us.
CHET
That means you want the good stuff. Let’s see what you got there.
Puck and Sal completely empty their pockets of tickets, tokens, coins and lint.
CHET
Talk about big winners.
Sal grabs sunglasses and tries them on. He looks at Puck who’s shaking his head no.
SAL
Why not?
PUCK
You can find those anywhere, Sal, but how about those.
Puck points to shot glasses on the shelf.
CHET
You’re not going to find Circus Circus shot glasses anywhere but here.
Chet plops down 3 shot glasses with Circus Circus emblazoned on the side. Puck immediately inspects them.
CHET
What do you think?
PUCK
Sal, this is for us three – you, me and Uncle Jack. The shot glasses will always bring us back here.
Sal and Puck pick up a glass, touch them gently in a toast.
SAL
To family.
PUCK
To Uncle Jack.
Chet hurriedly picks up the third shot glass and they all clink glasses
CHET
To your family.
The three of them drink up their empty shot glasses.
SAL
Yeah, cool. To Vegas.
PUCK
To Vegas.
SAL
To Atlantic City.
Puck and Sal break into laughter, Chet joins in when the boys can’t stop.
PUCK
Do you have jewelry? We’d like to find something nice for our girlfriends?
Chet looks around making sure the coast is clear. He places a large, flat box on the counter and opens it slowly. It’s full of very obviously fake jewelry.
CHET
You boys serious about these ladies?
Puck nods yes immediately, Sal blushes and looks away. Chet directs his sales pitch to Puck and plucks out a large diamond ring.
CHET
This is the nicest ring I have. Your girlfriend will love this.
PUCK
What do you think, Sal?
SAL
(turns to Chet) I think he better have another one of those.
Chet can hardly conceal his smirk and searches the box for another large, fake diamond ring.
CHET
Lookee here.
PUCK
Mister, are these real?
CHET,
As real as you’re going to find here.
SAL
It’s perfect.
PUCK
Let’s go find Uncle Jack and show him what we won.
SAL
I’m sure he’s killing it downstairs.
PUCK
Thanks, mister.
The boys race out of the Prize Booth searching for their uncle.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
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Budinscak Meanings
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Interesting perspective to add to scenes. A nice release after a scene builds and segue to a fresh start.
o From subtext adding to a deeper meaning to multiple meanings for multiple characters.
Setup:
It’s the beginning of Act 2. Jack, Sal and Puck have just left the picnic grounds in Terre Haute and said their goodbyes to LC and his men. They’re on their trek westward. A comment LC made to the nephews sparks conversation and the question, what’s family?
Characters:
Jack – Defines family as more than blood relatives, it’s a way of life, a journey with like-minded friends.
Puck – Sees family as blood relatives only. Friends are friends, but family is family.
Sal – who cares? You can’t pick your family, you’re stuck with them.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Jack’s Cadillac glides down the road easing past slower traffic.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack watches his nephews via the rearview mirror. Sal looks at everything while Puck drifts off – he ponders a question.
JACK
You boys have fun?
SAL
The go-carts were a blast.
PUCK
Yeah. I like LC. Goober and Rico, too.
SAL
We took them for ten bucks each. Puck was magnificent.
Puck bows in the back seat as Sal and Jack clap.
PUCK
Uncle Jack, what did LC mean when he said your family is his family? Is he our uncle?
JACK
No, not literally, just figuratively.
SAL
Whose side of the family is he from?
JACK
Don’t be a wiseass, Sal. There’s a fine line between cool and fool. Know the difference.
PUCK
Family is our aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, second cousins… it’s blood relatives, right?
SAL
It doesn’t make any difference, Puck, you can’t pick your family. You’re stuck with them.
JACK
Au contraire, my little doomsday boy, you can pick your family.
You know that douchebag, Uncle Bob?
The boys nod warily. They had their run-ins with Uncle Bob.
JACK
He’s a cousin, he’s blood so he’s family; but I never see him and I don’t know him. I know LC. He ain’t blood, but he’s family. LC’s more family than Uncle Douche. Know why?
Jack sees two confused faces looking back at him in the rear view mirror.
JACK
Family. They believe in you. They believe you. They believe. That’s family. And they do it unconditionally.
SAL
What’s that?
PUCK
They do it even when they don’t have to.
JACK.
That’s LC. I trust that guy with my life, and I only do that with family. Got it?
PUCK
Yeah, I think so.
JACK
Now check this out. Carmine’s is special. It’s who we are, it’s family.
SAL
Now a restaurant is family?
JACK
It’s a way of life. Family are those that think alike, stick their necks out for each other.
PUCK
Like friends?
JACK
Yeah, friends can be family. And relatives can be just friends – or worse.
PUCK
Is LC our uncle?
JACK
Are we going there again?
PUCK
I’m utterly confused.
JACK
Utterly? Give me a name.
SAL
Betty?
JACK
My sister? C’mon. Even you’re smarter than that, Sal. Family.
PUCK
Alright, Chick?
JACK
Family.
SAL
Chick’s family? How about Louie?
JACK
The barber or card dealer?
SAL
Card dealer.
JACK
Friend.
SAL
And the old barber who eats for free?
JACK
Family helps each other. He helped your grandfather when he got started. He’s family.
PUCK
Aunt Jerry?
JACK
My sister? Familia!
PUCK
Uncle Bob?
JACK
Douchebag.
PUCK
Got it.
SAL
What’s the difference between a douchebag and an asshole?
JACK
We’ll come back to that later. Let’s make sure we can all agree on one thing. Ready?
Puck and Sal got their heads tilted in question.
JACK
Uncle Bob?
PUCK AND SAL
Douchebag?
JACK
Uncle Bob?
PUCK AND SAL
Douchebag.
JACK
Louder! Uncle Bob!
PUCK AND SAL
Douchebag!
Jack’s infectious giggle carries over to the boys. Jack lays on the horn – beep!
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Beeping like crazy, the Cadillac flies past traffic like everyone else is in second gear.
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Budinscak Directional FOS Patterns
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The subtext examples from “Basic Instinct” are a tremendous help. I appreciate Joe Eszterhas’ script so much more.
o These are skill sets that will elevate everyone’s writing by excelling in what’s underneath the surface – its deeper meaning.
Note: The scene below is from the “Writing with Boldness” module and the Anticipatory Dialog lesson, Day 2. Very little of the scene has been changed.
Setup:
It’s the beginning of the story and Jack has witnessed the moving body bag being removed from the hearse. Don Vito grills Jack about what he saw.
INT. FUNERAL HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
Seated in a plush chair, Don Vito leans forward and places his elbows on the desk, his hands together, but not for prayer. On the opposite side of the desk, Jack leans back in his shitty metal folding chair. He’s ready for battle.
DON VITO
Jack, do you know why they call me the Weatherman?
****Allusion – to a show of force Don Vito can bring.
JACK
With two brothers as morticians, your family wanted a meteorologist?
DON VITO
Jack, you’re a funny man. No, make that clever. Clever is better. They call me the Weatherman cuz I have an uncanny knack for calling when and where lightning will strike.
**** Hint – Don’t screw with me.
JACK
When and where is the lightning strike coming?
**** Metaphor – Jack knows the metaphor is blunt threat that Don Vito will burn the restaurant to the ground.
DON VITO
Hard to tell right now. It’s kinda cloudy.
**** Insinuation – It all depends on how you answer my question.
JACK
How may I help?
DON VITO
I need you to do a personal favor for me. Will you?
JACK
Always, Don Vito.
DON VITO
Bless you, Jack. All I need is for you to make a delivery for me. That’s it.
JACK
And?
**** Implication – what will happen if I don’t?
Don Vito motions towards Carmine’s, the restaurant across the parking lot.
DON VITO
You’ve got until Monday at 2:00. At 2:01, I guarantee lightning will strike Carmine’s and burn it to the fucking ground.
Jack sits in silence. Now it’s the Don’s turn to lean back and relax.
DON VITO
Jack, it’s what you don’t say that speaks the loudest.
**** Allusion – Jack has nowhere to go.
JACK
Why me?
DON VITO
Cuz we’re business partners. We’re attached, like the letters M and N. You know what I mean?
The wheels are turning in Jack’s head as he shakes it no.
DON VITO
You can add N to one word and get the exact opposite meaning than with a M. Watch. Skim means to get fat while skin means to take away. Let’s use it in a sentence. If you continue to skim from me, I will skin you alive.
**** Metaphor – you’re taking from me and I know it.
JACK
Don Vito, I’ve always answered the call for you. Whenever, wherever for whatever, I’ve been there. Have been, will be. Always.
**** Implication – whatever you’re going to accuse me of, I’m claiming innocence.
DON VITO
Jack, I know you’re taking a little extra for yourself.
JACK
I’m sorry, Don Vito, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DON VITO
Are you saying the elves who make shoes snuck in and stole it?
**** Allusion – are you really going to lie to me?
JACK
I know I didn’t do it. I can’t vouch for the elves.
**** Sarcasm – I just told you, whatever you accuse me of, I’m claiming innocence.
Don Vito leans forward, Jack leans forward.
DON VITO
We’re fast approaching the point of no return. Once we’re there, I am no longer your friend, I become the guy you must avoid. Capisce?
**** Hint – I will hurt you AND burn your restaurant to the ground.
JACK
I understand. With my integrity in question, I will prove myself to you once again. I accept and will handle your favor.
DON VITO
Always good to come to an understanding with you. I’ll see you ….
JACK
(cutting in) … tomorrow morning. Good night.
**** Insinuation – I know you got me this time, but …
Jack rises from his chair.
DON VITO
Tick tock, Jack, tick tock. The clock’s started.
**** Implication – you now work for me.
As soon as the door shuts after Jack leaves, Don Vito picks up the phone and punches in a number.
DON VITO
We have one more guest for the party. That makes four. (laughs) Well, three and a half anyway.
**** Allusion – Jack’s fate is tied to three others, well, two and a half.
Don Vito chuckles at his own macabre wit as he leans back in his chair.
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Budinscak Dialogue Cover-ups
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Today’s lesson – dialog covers the real meaning in subtext.
o The number of internal experiences of subtext provides various outlets and numerous opportunities to work them into our stories.
Scene:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack watches TV as he relaxes on the bed – he can easily fall asleep. Knock knock on the front door.
MAN (OS)
Room service.
Jack glances to the door – room service? He rolls out of bed and slides up to the door peephole – an eyeball stares back.
JACK
I didn’t order room service.
MAN (OS)
Compliments of the hotel, sir.
JACK
I’m okay, thanks.
MAN (OS)
Sir, open the door.
JACK
Nope.
Jack backs away and the door flies open. Two middle-aged men draped in cheap hats and tacky tourist garb – the FBI team of LOU and FRED – charge in.
LOU
FBI, don’t move.
JACK
You ain’t the FBI, are you? Look at you guys.
LOU
You heard me the first time, FBI. Now move.
JACK
Which is it, move or don’t move?
LOU
Oh, Jack. We’re gonna become close friends for a few days.
JACK
I doubt that.
FRED
Never doubt the FBI.
Jack casts a shocked look at Fred.
JACK
It speaks.
Fred takes a step toward Jack, but Lou’s well-placed hand stops him mid-step. Jack’s as cool as ice – even his hair doesn’t move.
LOU
Enough of your bullshit, Jack. You’re going to do what we say. You work for us now.
Lou and Fred settle into their well practiced routine – douchebag agent and bigger douchebag agent.
LOU
I know you’re the delivery guy for Don Vito. I’m going to have Fred give your car a detailed search, like an automobile enema. He’ll find anything you’re trying to hide.
FRED
I’m going to sift ant shit out of sand.
JACK
Good for you, meeting your career aspirations and all. And clean the ashtrays while you’re at it.
LOU
You ain’t that tough, Jack. You’re going to have to answer to this – what’s in the package you’re delivering?
JACK
Misdirection:
You geniuses realize I’m the decoy, don’t you?
Methods of Cover-up:
Silence:
Jack never answers and focuses on a spot on the back wall.
Action incongruent with words:
Jack’s hands move like he’s making a movie, “Here’s my eight millimeter flick called ‘Lou, Fred and the K9 Unit’.” Jack let’s out a low wolf whistle.
Change Subject:
Did you two know I won two awards for my mother’s baked ziti recipe?
Attack back:
Why don’t you tell me what Fred’s supposed to find in my Caddy?
Compliment them:
May I compliment you on your sartorial splendor and your advisory role at the house of polyester.
Threaten them:
At some point, you’re going to be on this side of the table, then it’s my turn for a little fun. I’m gonna fuck you up.
Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not:
Just so we all know, you’re not going to find the missing government witness hiding in my Cadillac.
Misdirection:
You geniuses realize I’m the decoy, don’t you?
Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.
Exactly when the first tear drips from his chin, Jack breaks into hysterical laughter.
Distraction:
Did you guys hear that? Is the CIA at the door?
Make a joke of it:
You know what the missing government witness said? How much did you make on me?
Continue the conversation as if nothing happened:
Fred, after you sift the ant shit and clean the ashtrays; would you shampoo the carpets? And I’m gonna need a little elbow grease from you when you buff the leather … all the leather.
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Budinscak Symbol
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Clever tool for subtext.
o Great way to show change in a character, and it can be very powerful.
o And just about anything can be used for a symbol.
Symbol:
1. INTRODUCE THE SYMBOL through its meaning early in the story.
From the first time we meet Puck, he wears a backpack and he rarely takes it off. He gets into a tug of war with a customer and his aunts have to intercede. They make snippy comments and roll their eyes when discussing Puck and his backpack.
2. SET ITS MEANING POWERFULLY enough so that just its presence will cause an audience response.
At the very beginning of Act 2 when Jack and the boys wake up at the Picnic Grounds in Terre Haute, LC questions Jack about Puck and his backpack. Jack weaves a horrible tale about why that backpack means so much to Puck. LC is taken aback by the circumstances – he never knew. The scene is below.
3. USE THE SYMBOL TO CAUSE OR SHOW CHANGE in the characters or their situation. This is where a symbol is powerful.
We are at the beginning of Act 3. If things weren’t bad enough losing everything in Vegas, the FBI leverages Jack to do their biding. Jack and his nephews sneak out of town in Jack’s Cadillac and are overcome with carbon monoxide poisoning when dry ice leaks in the trunk and fills the car. The Caddy goes off the road and Jack is saved by a Guardian Angel. The boys are still overcome by carbon monoxide poisoning when Jack goes through Puck’s backpack. He determines Puck’s a kleptomaniac and hides what he steals in his backpack. He finds a miniature tape recorder Puck lifted from LC and on it is a key confession that will help Jack in the climax.
Relative to “SET ITS MEANING POWERFULLY enough so that just its presence will cause an audience response”, I thought I’d approach it from a different angle for the audience. Here’s a partial scene.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and LC lean on the fence surrounding the go cart track. They watch Puck struggle to get in his cart, his backpack is in the way.
LC
What’s with, uh …. Which one is that?
JACK
Puck.
LC
What’s with Puck and that backpack?
JACK
That’s the last thing his father gave him.
Jack doesn’t make eye contact with LC, no need to. Jack knows he’ll hook LC and reel him in.
LC
What do you mean ‘last thing’?
JACK
Six months ago, Puck’s dad was killed in an explosion at the leather mill. The top of a big drum blew off, flew across the room and cut his head completely off. They said his head rolled like an egg for about like ten feet while his body just quivered. Can you imagine that?
LC
Jesus.
JACK
Tragic. Yeah, poor Puck’s never been quite the same.
LC
My God, that poor kid.
Jack still won’t make eye contact, LC smells a rat.
LC
Did any of that really happen?
JACK
Nah, I’m fucking with you.
LC
You are such an asshole.
Jack’s giggle evolves into laughter and leads to snot flying out of his nose. LC shakes his head – I should have known better.
LC
So what’s the story with the backpack?
JACK
There’s no story, Puck’s got some issues.
Jack turns to LC with his best poker face. LC smirks and turns to watch the go-carts.
LC
You know I’m gonna get even with you, right?
They both laugh.
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Budinscak Subtext Scene
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Fun exercise to up the ante on our scenes.
o Great device to craft the scenes that audiences experience.
o I appreciate the formula/basic questions for subtext.
Subtext Scene:
1. Setup:
We’re near the beginning of Act 3. Jack has completed his trip on time and made his delivery to Burbank. A few goons escort Jack and his nephews – Puck and Sal – through the funeral home to the office where Don Vito waits.
This scene is also a payoff from a setup in Act 1 when Sal bets Puck he couldn’t fit in a casket. When Puck gets in, Sal closes the lid and Puck goes crazy when he can’t get out.
2. Subtext Questions
1. What is the meaning of the subtext? Puck hints to Sal about a possible way to escape their escort.
2. What is the cover up? The cover up is a plot against another person with the nephews in cahoots against their goon escort.
3. When will the meaning be revealed? The meaning will be revealed at the end.
4. How will the meaning be revealed? When the goon climbs in the casket and Puck slams the lid on him.
3. Pick one or more scene designs for subtext.
For this scene, I’m using a plot against another person, misinterpretation and a bit of dramatic irony.
4.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
OFFICE
A smug Don Vito rests in a cushy chair while across the desk, two goons seat Jack in a flimsy folding chair. Another goon rests his paws on the nephews shoulders – they aren’t going anywhere.
DON VITO
Jack, now comes the toughest part of your journey. (to the goon by the nephews) Get those two out of here.
Jack stands, the big guys shove him back in his seat. His face registers helplessness – there’s nothing he can do.
JACK
Wait! Do what you want with me …
DON VITO
I intend to. (turns to the one goon) Watch out for Sal, he’s a lot like his uncle.
The goon uses his hand on Sal’s shoulder to guide him down the hallway. Puck hurls himself into a coughing frenzy at the doorway to the casket display room.
SAL
Puck, you alright?
Puck glances from Sal to the casket room and back. Sal arches an eyebrow – great idea, I’m ready when you are.
PUCK
I’m okay. But you were wrong. He can’t do it.
SAL
Oh, yes he can.
PUCK
I don’t see it. He’s too big.
SAL
Or do you mean too fat.
The boys look at their large escort and break into laughter. The big guy squeezes Sal’s shoulder hard, Sal winces – he can’t hide the pain.
PUCK
Hey, large man. I don’t think you can do it, but my cousin says you can.
SAL
I bet him ten dollars I don’t have because, you know, we just came from Vegas. (beat) So will you?
GOON
Will I what?
PUCK
See, I can tell by looking that you’re too big to fit in that casket.
SAL
That’s the double wide model, like for… bigger people.
Puck elbows Sal and they laugh like they’re the only two getting the joke.
GOON
Bullshit. I can fit in there easy.
PUCK
No, you can’t.
SAL
Yes, he can.
PUCK
Nope.
GOON
Yes, I can, you little twerp.
The big guy marches confidently to the casket and inspects the inside.
GOON
You made easy money, Sal. I’ll get right in this coffin …
PUCK
Casket.
GOON
Like you know the difference.
PUCK
Price. Coffins are typically cheaper.
The goon mocks Puck’s answer and starts to climb into the casket.
PUCK
Stop. Take your shoes off.
The goon looks at Sal who nods slowly while making that face that his cousin is right. The big guy removes his shoes.
PUCK
Jacket, too.
GOON
What?
And there’s Sal nodding away – yup, remove your jacket. The big guy sighs and removes his jacket.
PUCK
It’s going to be real cramped in there. You better be careful and not take your guy with you.
Puck extends his hand while Sal keeps nodding away just like that dog on the rear dash of some cars. The big man hands his gun to Puck right before squeezing into the casket.
GOON
You’re wrong, little boy, I knew I’d fit.
Puck SLAMS the coffin lid shut and Sal locks it. The big goon bangs away from inside.
PUCK
So did we.
Puck inspects the gun and looks like what he is – a kid with a gun.
SAL
You know what you’re doing?
PUCK
Sal, all I know, we gotta save Uncle Jack.
Sal pulls Puck’s head close so their foreheads touch. They sneak down the hallway to the office where Uncle Jack is held.
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Budinscak Subtext Relationship
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Connecting on the subtext level dictates characters hide/alter their identities and/or their feeling and emotions from one another.
o A foundation piece to establish dialog, action and relationships for your main characters throughout the story.
o Adds depth, conflict, emotion and value to any scene.
Character: Jack
Subtext Identity: Scoundrel uncle and shady chef
Character Traits: slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, big heart
Subtext Logline: Scoundrel Jack distorts the truth to support his continually changing version about why he’s making this trip.
Character: Don Vito Pussillo
Subtext Identity: Treacherous Crime Boss
Character Traits: Dictatorial, aloof/arrogant, narcissist, underhanded
Subtext Logline: Don Vito is a treacherous crime boss who rules with an iron fist, manipulates every immoral deal he’s involved with and if he encounters a problem, he disposes of it making it disappear – forever.
Character: LOU – FBI GUY
Subtext Identity: Pompous government agent
Character Traits: snooty, authoritative, gullible, pompous
Subtext Logline: Lou – FBI Guy is a pompous government agent who secretly had a deal with Don Vito, and is lying and conspiring to enlist Jack because he thinks he can get more.
Setup:
It’s the beginning of Act 3 and this scene is set at the Burbank Funeral Home of Don Vito’s other brother. Lou the FBI Guy walks in on a conversation between Don Vito and Jack.
Don Vito questions Jack about the trip and if he had any problems, Jack counters with ‘no’ – it was smooth sailing.
Don Vito keeps probing. He asks if we met anyone on the way – maybe someone from the government … CIA, FBI? Again, Jack admits to nothing – it was an uneventful trip.
Lou, the FBI Guy, enters unannounced and talks about the fun times he and Jack had in Las Vegas. The Don eyeballs Jack – the old man isn’t happy. He questions Jack.
Jack crafts a story about the Las Vegas trip and his encounter with Lou, but he neglects to mention that Lou asked him to wear a wire. Lou believes Jack wears a wire, Jack does not.
Lou asks Jack if he’s ‘getting all this’? Jack responds, ‘that and much, much more’.
Lou intimates he’s looking for more from his deal with Don Vito. The Don suggests the deals been consummated – the subject has nothing left to give – figuratively and literally.
Two of Don Vito’s goons enter, Don Vito nods to them – they ready their weapons. Lou laughs while Jack rolls his eyes.
Jack stands, a goon turns to Jack, Lou takes a step toward Don Vito and is cut off by the other goon. The other goon draws his gun on Lou.
Don Vito summons the cooler to be brought in. He yanks out the contents and tosses the head to Lou. Jack looks on in wonder.
Scene with Subtext:
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The sterile office is tainted with the toxic characters and dirty dealings going on inside.
DON VITO
Jack, glad you made it on time. Did you encounter any problems?
JACK
No, none at all. It was a smooth ride. I take it the skies are clear in Geeville?
DON VITO
Not a cloud in the sky right now.
JACK
No squalls on the horizon?
DON VITO
Not yet. You okay?
JACK
Yeah, I’m okay. Feeling good.
DON VITO
I heard you had a couple of stowaways. You brought your nephews?
JACK
I wanted to surprise their mothers. And Sal wanted to take a dip in the ocean. We almost made that come true.
DON VITO
Did you look in the trunk?
JACK
The cooler?
DON VITO
Was there any other reason to look in the trunk?
Click – Jack and Don Vito turn to the office door that swings open and in struts LOU the FBI Guy
LOU
Well, if it isn’t my two favorite people from Geeville.
DON VITO
Jack, take some notes.
JACK
I’m recording everything.
Lou and Don Vito look to Jack and nod.
LOU
Don Vito, the government would like to speak with you.
DON VITO
I’m sure, but about what?
LOU
Got me, but I know I can help with that missing witness. And it won’t be that much.
DON VITO
I’m sure you can quote a good price for me. Are you talking about the guy Jack brought with him? Well, those pieces Jack brought.
Don Vito is the only one who chuckles.
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Budinscak Subtext Characters
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Even though I know these characters pretty well, they still continue to evolve.
o Solid exercise to assign the best subtext identities and traits for our characters, their flaws and internal conflict.
Character: Jack
Subtext Identity: Scoundrel uncle and chef
Character Traits: slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, big hearted
Subtext Logline: Jack is a scoundrel of an uncle and shady chef who bends the truth to support his version of the facts when he deals with his nephews.
Possible areas of subtext: Jack will lie about why he’s taking the trip, he’ll distort the facts about where he’s going, stretch stories to Puck and Sal to accomplish what he wants.
Character: Puck
Subtext Identity: Erudite nephew with a devious side
Character Traits: Nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext Logline: Puck is the erudite nephew with a devious side who constantly holds his uncle accountable and cousin in line.
Possible areas of subtext: Puck will question where they’re going, he will set up LC to confirm answers his uncle gave him, he will test the veracity of all of his Uncle’s stories.
Character: Sal
Subtext Identity: Sneaky nephew and convincing liar.
Character Traits: Manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext Logline: Sal is the sneaky nephew and convincing liar who is the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Possible areas of subtext: Sal will tempt Puck and get him in trouble at the funeral home, he’ll start a ruckus at the picnic shooting gallery and anger Puck, he will test Jack’s nerves at many, many turns.
Character: Don Vito Pussillo
Subtext Identity: Treacherous Crime Boss
Character Traits: Dictatorial, aloof/arrogant, narcissist, underhanded
Subtext Logline: Don Vito is a treacherous crime boss who rules with an iron fist, relishes his reputation (The Weatherman) and rules with an iron fist.
Possible areas of subtext: What will Don Vito do to Jack, will he keep his end of the deal and not burn down the restaurant, what will he do with the nephews? What about the FBI?
Character: FBI GUY 1 (haven’t finalized his name yet)
Subtext Identity: Pompous government agent
Character Traits: snooty, authoritative, gullible, pompous
Subtext Logline: FBI Guy 1 is a pompous government agent who believes he has the right and authority to use any method to achieve the desired result.
Possible areas of subtext: will he set up Jack for his own personal gain, he cut a deal with Don Vito and wants to go back for more, can he be trusted.
Character: LC – Lincoln Clogs
Subtext Identity: Con man extraordinaire
Character Traits: intimidating, a planner, sarcastic, leader
Subtext Logline: LC is a con man extraordinaire who works the fringes of a legal entity and illegally siphons all proceeds.
Possible areas of subtext: his partnerships and dealings with Jack, the psychic call center growth and expansion, how will it effect he and Jack’s friendship?
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Budinscak Great Subtext Scene
What I learned doing this assignment:
o It’s a way to seamlessly blend emotion, meaning, feelings, etc. into your character through their dialog.
o A notable skill set to elevate our dialog to attract A-list talent.
o A key skill to separate ourselves from other screenwriters.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
OPENING SCENE
FROM THE BLACK WE HEAR—
MARK (V.O.)
Did you know there are more people with genius IQ’s living in China than there are people of any kind living in the United States?
ERICA (V.O.)
That can’t be true.
MARK (V.O.)
It is true.
ERICA (V.O.)
What would account for that?
MARK (V.O.)
Well first of all, a lot of people live in China. But here’s my question:
1 INT. CAMPUS BAR – NIGHT 1
MARK ZUCKERBERG is a sweet looking 19 year old whose lack of any physically intimidating attributes masks a very complicated and dangerous anger. He has trouble making eye contact and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s talking to you or to himself.
ERICA, also 19, is Mark’s date. She has a girl-next-door face that, makes her easy to fall for. At this point in the conversation she already knows that she’d rather not be there and her politeness is about to be tested.
The scene is stark and simple.
MARK
How do you distinguish yourself in a population of people who all got 1600 on their SAT’s?
ERICA
I didn’t know they take SAT’s in China.
MARK
I wasn’t talking about China anymore, I was talking about here.
NOTE: Mark says he has a problem as he wonders how he can separate himself from his peers/pack. Who are they? They’re other geniuses that scored 1600 on their SATs.
ERICA
You got 1600?
MARK
You can sing in an a Capella group.
ERICA
Does that mean that you actually got nothing wrong?
MARK
Or you row crew or you invent a 25 dollar PC.
ERICA
Or you get into a final club.
MARK
Or you get into a final club, exactly.
NOTE: She finally catches up with the conversation and he acknowledges it. He indirectly tells Erica how he plans to separate himself.
ERICA
I like guys who row crew.
MARK. (beat)
Well I can’t do that. And yes, it means I got nothing wrong on the test.
NOTE: Finally, he answers her question of what it means to get 1600 on your SATs.
ERICA
Have you ever tried?
MARK
I’m trying now.
ERICA
To row crew?
MARK
To get into a final club. To row crew? No, Are you, like—whatever—crazy?
NOTE: He tells her clearly what avenue he’s selected – final club.
ERICA
Sometimes, Mark seriously you say two things at once and I’m not sure which one we’re talking about.
■ARK
But you’ve seen guys who row crew, right?
ERICA
No.
MARK
Okay, well they’re bigger than me. They’re world class athletes. And a second ago you said you like guys
who row crew so I assumed you’d met one.
NOTE: Mark lets Erica know he’s committed in his pursuit and will never be confused with an athlete.
ERICA
I guess I meant I liked the idea of it. The way a girl likes cowboys.
MARK takes a cigarette from a pack, lights it, takes a drag and blows the smoke out before he says…
MARK
Hm.
ERICA
What?
MARK
Why would you ask me that?
ERICA
I was just asking.
MARK
They’re all hard to get into. My friend Eduardo made $300,000 betting on oil futures last summer and he won’t get in. Money or the ability to make it doesn’t impress anybody around here. Everybody can do that.
ERICA
He made $300,000 in a summer?
MARK
He likes meteorology.
ERICA
You said it was oil futures.
MARK
If you can predict the weather you can predict the price of heating oil. You, asked me that because you think the final club that’s easiest to get into is the one where I’ll have the best chance.
ERICA (beat)
I’ve lost my place again.
NOTE: Mark’s friend’s success could be done by anyone – Mark will do better, needs to do better – and the last thing he will do is to join the easiest club to enter.
MARK
You asked me which one was the easiest to get into because you think that’s where I have the best chance.
ERICA
The one that’s easiest to get into would be the one where anybody had the best chance.
MARK
I just, think you asked—the placement of where you asked the question–
ERICA
I was honestly just asking. Okay? I was asking just to ask. Mark, I’m not speaking in code.
MARK
Erica—
ERICA
You’re obsessed with the finals clubs. You have finals clubs OCD and you need to see someone about this who’ll prescribe some sort of medication. You don’t care if side effects may include blindness, okay, just, do it.
NOTE: The whole conversation has revolved around him and she feels/realizes she’s there to listen to him and nothing else. The sounding board has had enough.
MARK
Final clubs. Not finals clubs and there’s a difference between being obsessed and being motivated.
ERICA
Yes there is.
MARK
Well you do–that was cryptic–so you do speak in code.
NOTE: Erica tells Mark he’s obsessed. He picks up on her subtext, but shows no interest in her message.
ERICA
I didn’t mean to be cryptic.
MARK
I’m saying I need to do something substantial in order to get the attention of the clubs.
ERICA
Why?
MARK
because they’re exclusive. (beat) And fun and they lead to a better” life.
ERICA
You think Teddy Roosevelt got elected president because he was a member of the Phoenix Club?
MARK
He was a member of the Porcellian
and yes I do.
ERICA
Maybe he sang in an a CapeIla group.
MARK
I want to be straight forward and tell you that I think you should be a lot more supportive. If I get in I’11 be taking you to the parties and you’ll be meeting people that you wouldn’t normally get to meet.
ERICA
(smiles)
You would do that for me?
MARK
You’re my girlfriend.
ERICA
Okay, well I want to be straight forward and tell you that I’m not anymore.
MARK (beat)
What do you mean?
ERICA
I’m not your girlfriend anymore,
MARK
Is this a joke?
ERICA
No, I’m sorry, it’s not,
MARK
You’re breaking up with me?
ERICA
You’re going to introduce me to people I wouldn’t normally get to meet? What the fuck is that supposed to mean.
NOTE: Erica’s had enough of this jerk and his condescending manner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Budinscak Page Turner
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I noticed the lack of emotion or internal strife in scenes.
o Capturing emotion while conveying an essence is what great writers do.
o I believe this is one of our better modules – subtle yet impactful.
Characters:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Puck – Traits: nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext: Devious
Character Logline: Nerdy Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin.
Sal – Traits: manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext: Sneaky
Character Logline: Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Setup: the essence of this scene is revelations.
For first time readers, Jack is in his late 20s while his nephews, Puck and Sal, are preteens. We’re in Las Vegas – middle of the second part of Act II – and our gang has just gotten back to their hotel from Circus Circus. While Puck and Sal have won every game they’ve tried, Jack has lost every game he’s played. And he’s lost just about all his money. He’s not a happy guy.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – DAY
LOBBY
Jack strides through the lobby doors, two steps ahead of his nephews who scramble to keep up like two Chihuahuas nipping at their owner’s heels.
PUCK
I know things didn’t go so well, but there’s always tomorrow.
Jack ignores Puck and comes to a halt at the elevator bank.
ELEVATOR BANK
PUCK
Things didn’t go well, did they?
Jack spins around and faces Puck with a stare that could melt a glacier.
JACK
No, it sucked, okay?
SAL
Puck and I won every game we tried.
Jack turns his death-stare to Sal. The elevator doors open, Jack marches in with the boys one step behind.
INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Puck and Sal jump into the middle of an intense conversation over a bag Puck holds. Whispers no longer work, Sal can’t hold back any longer.
SAL
No.
PUCK
Yes.
SAL
Puuccckkkk.
Jack reaches over and stops the elevator, curiosity’s caught this cat. The elevator alarm rings.
JACK
Guys, I’m standing right here. What’s going on?
Sal gives Puck a questioning glance, Puck responds with the stink-eye. Sal nods yes, he knows Puck’s correct.
PUCK
We’d like to share our winnings with you. We won a couple of diamond rings and …
SAL
They’re for our girls, but Puck’s right. We have to pitch in when we can to help family.
JACK
Our girls? Sal, when the hell did you get a girl?
SAL
It’s Traci’s sister, Laci.
PUCK
Traci’s my girl and her twin, Laci, is Sal’s girl.
JACK
When did this happen?
PUCK
Yesterday.
Jack starts the elevator and the alarm stops, but he remains looking at the boys. He weakens slightly, he didn’t expect this.
Puck drops the bag’s contents into Jack’s hands. Three Circus Circus shot glasses, bunch of tokens and two extremely fake diamond rings.
The elevator doors open, our gang spills into the
HALLWAY
PUCK
We’re not sure how much the rings are worth, but they’re yours if you need them. To you from us.
Jack’s jaw drops farther than his shoulders sink – he’s overcome, and he won’t disappoint.
JACK
No, these are for your girls, I can’t take them. You two are gonna give them to your ladies when you return, right?
Both boys look at one another – yes, that’s the plan. They follow their uncle down the hall.
JACK
Thank you, gentlemen, that means a lot to me. But I’ve got an idea. I am sure something good is gonna happen real soon. I guarantee it.
PUCK
Thanks, Uncle Jack.
JACK
You’re welcome, Puckie. Sal?
SAL
Like Puck said.
Sal looks at his uncle, Jack sees his honesty.
JACK
You know what Chick would say if he was here?
SAL
Chick’s that huge guy at Carmine’s, right?
Jack nods – these boys are sharper than he thought.
PUCK
Why do they call him Chick?
Jack jumps into the story like he’s told it a thousand times.
JACK
Chick. He got that nickname after two guys jumped him and Chick got shot, but they didn’t hit anything. Chick beat the shit out of those two.
Jack’s in story mode, he’s not paying any attention to his audience.
JACK
See, Chick liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear and you know (Jack motions with his hands) it holds everything up, so nothing was hanging down. We always asked, how the ff…
Jack finally looks at his audience – the wide-eyed boys are completely lost.
JACK
Anyway, see, these two guys jumped Chick and one of em pulled a gun. The first guy came over and Chick knocked him out with one punch. He grabbed the other guy and the gun went off, right in Chick’s crotch, but Chick’s equipment was held up.
PUCK
Equipment?
JACK
C’mon. I gotta give you an anatomy lesson?
Neither boy says a thing, their blushing say everything.
JACK
You know the difference between a man and a woman, right?
The boys giggle when Sal mouths tits. Jack stops outside their hotel room.
JACK
Not just that (Jack motions with his hands) down here they’re different, too.
SAL
How so?
JACK
Jesus, I gotta tell a juvie like you? You ever see a woman naked?
Sal shakes his head no, but Sal doesn’t hide his desire. Jack’s eyes twinkle – his devil appears.
JACK
Puck?
Jack never saw anyone blush that deep shade of red like Puck.
JACK
Here we go! Uncle Jack’s gonna order up a naked lady.
Jack and the boys march into their hotel room with an air of adventure.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Budinscak Writing is Bold
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Fun exercise to write with an attitude.
o Realizing the importance of emotion/attitude in every scene and every description. There’s no need to be boring.
o Great way to add life to your script.
Setup:
Act II has just begun, LC has given Jack a tour of the call center and Jack and his nephews are ready to begin their journey.
1. Original Half Page:
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack and LC stand at the back of the Cadillac as two of
LC’s MEN approach carrying buckets of ice.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea. I’m afraid to look.
LC
Why? You need to know.
JACK
I play stupid better than I play liar.
LC
Sounds like that’ll come in handy for this trip.
Jack drops his eyes and shakes his head. LC motions to the two faces staring at him from the Cadillac’s back window.
LC
What are you going to do with your nephews?
JACK
Since you won’t take ‘em, I’m dropping them off at the bus station.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
I’ll figure it out. How tough can they be, really?
LC winces to the comment. LC knows all too well what Jack will soon find out.
LC
And you’re sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
Positive. I just don’t know what to do.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet followed by a slight nod. Jack props off the lid of the cooler. He and LC lean in to look and pull back immediately.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
Hmmmmm. Well, wish me luck.
Jack closes the trunk and stops before LC. The two men shake hands, then embrace in a hug before Jack jumps in his Caddy. LC knocks and Jack lowers the driver’s side window.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
I got no idea.
LC steps back and the Cadillac lunges forward. Sal and Puck hang out the back windows waving goodbye.
2. Rewrite – Jack fears for his nephews safety
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Two of LC’s MEN approach the Cadillac with buckets of ice. Jack’s eyes dart from LC to the men – get rid of them.
LC
Leave the buckets by the trunk.
Jack keeps his head lowered until men leave.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea. I’m afraid to look.
LC
You need to know.
LC motions to the two faces staring at him through the Cadillac’s rear window. Jack nods to the boys – I’m here, I got you.
LC
What are you going to do with your nephews?
JACK
I gotta get them outta here.
LC turns his head slightly – did he just detect commitment in Jack? That’s a rare occurrence.
LC
And you’re sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
No, and he can never find out those two … my nephews were here.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet – let’s do it. Jack lifts the gelato container from the cooler and gingerly places it in the trunk.
LC
Jack ….
The gelato container is unsealed. Jack inhales before he removes the lid. Strands of hair mix with frozen gelato.
JACK
Well, wish me luck.
Jack closes the trunk. The two men embrace like long lost brothers reunited.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
Don’t worry about me. Who do you know who can protect my boys?
Jack’s not getting in his Caddy until LC provides a name, and it’s got to be a solid referral.
3. Jack’s desperate to get rid of his nephews
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack and LC stand at the back of the Cadillac as two of
LC’s MEN approach carrying buckets of ice.
JACK
Either of you want to take both my nephews? Maybe one?
The men laugh then look at one another – NFW.
JACK
Seriously.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea.
LC
You need to know.
JACK
I play stupid better than I play liar, but I don’t play babysitter.
LC motions to the two faces staring from the Cadillac’s rear window. Jack shuffles his feet and mumbles – he’s ready to beg.
LC
What are you going to do with…?
JACK
You need to take them off my hands. Never mind babysit, I ain’t even a good uncle.
LC
And I am?
JACK
You gotta be better than me cuz I don’t want to.
LC shakes his head no, he’s drawing his line in the sand.
JACK
Since you won’t take ‘em, I’m dropping them off at the bus station.
LC winces to the comment. Jack can’t be that desperate or cold-hearted.
LC
You sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
Positive. I just don’t know what to do.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet – let’s do this. Like a surgeon with a newborn, Jack gingerly removes the gelato container and lays it in the trunk. Wishs of hair hang from the unsealed container.
JACK
You gonna let me drive outta here with two twelve year olds in the back seat and a severed head in the trunk?
LC
Let me see what I can do.
Jack closes the trunk and hugs LC – he needs his friend.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
I got no idea, but I ain’t taking those two brats.
LC
Jack….
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Budinscak Extreme Emotion
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great stuff on what’s needed for the emotional journey.
o I like Key Three the best – Visual, then internal/emotion, but Economy and Essence just as important.
o Go through this process with every scene and you’ll add the emotional journey everyone wants.
o Another excellent example, this time with “ERIN BROCKOVICH”.
Characters:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Character Name: Puck
Traits: nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext: Devious
Character Logline: Nerdy Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin.
Character Name: Sal
Traits: manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext: Sneaky
Character Logline: Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Scene:
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
It’s so hot even the cactus sweat.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack chain-smokes as he drives. Smoke creeps over the front seat like a London fog. Sal makes eye contact with Puck – it’s time. Puck wheezes and leans forward, he’s a little boy in distress.
PUCK
Please crack the window.
JACK
Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.
Jack lowers his window a smidge and within seconds the fog is lifted.
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Budinscak Visuals
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Less is more.
o Keep it interesting for the reader and a way to separate yourself from the masses.
o Metaphor, exaggeration and comparison are a budding screenwriter’s good friends.
Part 1
The descriptive words/phrases are from the first four pages of “THE MATRIX”.
Blinding cursor pulses, darkness like a heart coursing in phosphorous light, burning beneath the derma of black-neon glass.
Throb, relentlessly patient, flashing faster than we can see, racing columns of numbers, shimmering like a green-electric rivers, rush, suddenly fixed, snapping into place like the wheels of a slot machine.
Two thin digits, pops, move still closer, electric hum of green numbers growing into an ominous roar. Nether world of the computer screen, abandoned, fire licked its way across the polyester carpet, spooled soot up the walls, patterns of permanent shadow, creep, blackened hall.
Violently kicks, guns thrust, devoid of furniture, glides, coiling back, flicks out, big, smooth and fast, inhumanly fast, erupting, kicks with the force of a wrecking ball, a two-hundred-fifty pound sack of limp meat and bone, slams, bullets raking the walls, sweeping with panic, leather-clad ghost, snatched, twisted, final violent exchange.
Part 2
Original: The FBI snuck in unseen during the commotion.
Revised: Like snakes slithering through tall grass, the FBI agents enter and blend in during the ruckus.
Original: LAPD sirens grow loudly in the background as Jack closes the last lid – on Don Vito.
Revised: A devilishly smirking Jack waves goodbye as he closes the coffin lid on the still whining Don Vito as police sirens blare outside.
Original: Don Vito chuckles at his own macabre wit as he leans back in his chair.
Revised: Don Vito’s macabre manner would make Jabba the Hut envious.
Original: Jack rises from the chair.
Revised: Jack explodes from his chair and flies across the desk.
Original: Don Vito motions towards Carmine’s, the restaurant across the parking lot.
Revised: Dripping with malice, Don Vito’s gaze towards Jack’s restaurant makes its roof smolder.
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Budinscak Hope/Fear in Action
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Uncertainty, reversals, adding conflict, elevating the stakes … the message is clear – keep the reader and the audience engaged.
o He wants something, he does something, there’s consequences.
o We’ve had some great examples with our lessons. Thoroughly enjoyed the analysis of “ROAD WARRIOR”.
o Helluva idea to strive for hope and fear in every scene.
Characters:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Don Vito – Dictatorial, aloof/arrogant, narcissist, sneaky
Subtext – Underhanded
Logline – Don Vito rules with an iron fist and relishes his reputation. He is rarely fooled and plays a nasty game of poker, especially when he holds all the cards.
FBI GUY 1 – snooty, authoritative, gullible, pompous
Subtext – Noncommittal
Logline – FBI Guy 1 believes he will right any wrong and has the authority to use any method in his employ to achieve the desired result.
Situation/Goal/Main Threat
Situation: After arriving in Burbank, Jack is separated from his nephews.
Goal: Escape from his current situation and rescue his nephews.
Threat: Don Vito and two of his Goons.
Scene Structure:
Jack watches his nephews taken from an office in the Burbank funeral home.
Jack sits opposite Don Vito and is flanked by the two Goons.
There’s a distinct sound that surprises everyone.
Scene:
INT. FUNERAL HOME OFFICE – DAY
Jack helplessly watches Puck and Sal coaxed from the office by one of Don Vito’s men. ***FEAR***
DON VITO
Don’t worry Jack, your nephews won’t be harmed, unless… ***HOPE***
Jack stands, the two Goons flanking him take a step forward. ***FEAR***
DON VITO
Unless you come clean about what you saw in Geeville. ***HOPE***
Before Jack can utter a word, the two Goons each grab an arm and lift Jack from his chair. ***FEAR***
SAL (OS)
Hey! ***HOPE***
DON VITO
Leave him, get the boy. ***FEAR***
The two Goons take one step towards Sal when the “click” of a gun being cocked stops them.
PUCK
No one move. I got them covered, Uncle Jack. ***HOPE***
DON VITO
Stop playing, little boy. You don’t know what this is about. ***FEAR***
PUCK
Wrong, wrinkly old guy, I know exactly what this is about. It’s about me, my cousin and our uncle. It’s about family.
Jack rushes to Puck and grabs the gun. He turns it on Don Vito and his men. ***HOPE***
JACK
Like Puck said…
FBI GUY 1 (OS)
No one move. ***FEAR***
The FBI snuck in unseen during the commotion.
SAL
Aren’t you the good guys? ***HOPE***
DON VITO
No, they’re with me. ***FEAR***
One of Don Vito’s Goons gets the drop on the two FBI agents.
FBI GUY 1
Reinforcements are on the way. Don’t do anything stupid, Don Vito. ***HOPE***
The FBI agents are handcuffed to each other by Don Vito’s men. ***FEAR***
All the bad guys get a good laugh, until the unmistakable sound of a shotgun being racked. The whole words stops moving.
DRIVER
Hey, Jack. Thought you and boys could use a hand. ***HOPE***
Jack, Driver, Puck and Sal lead everyone else to the casket display room where everyone is assigned an appropriate casket.
LAPD sirens grow loudly in the background as Jack closes the last lid – on Don Vito.
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Budinscak Uncertainty Scene
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I forgot how captivating the first few pages of “THE MATRIX” were – wow. Drew me right in.
o Alternating between the dialog and what was happening on the screen was hope and fear.
o Great example with “HAPPY GILMORE”. I can see the public auction of grandma’s home right now.
Name of the Script – “THE MATRIX”, and this is the very beginning of the story – it’s from FADE IN.
FADE IN:
1 ON COMPUTER SCREEN 1
so close it has no boundaries. A blinding cursor pulses in the electric darkness like a
heart coursing with phosphorous light, burning beneath the derma of black-neon glass.
A PHONE begins to RING, we hear it as though we were making the call. The cursor continues to throb, relentlessly patient, until –
MAN (V.O.)
Yeah?
Data now slashes across the screen, information flashing faster then we can read: “Call trans opt: received. 2-19-98 13:24:18 REC:Log>.”
WOMAN (V.O.)
Is everything in place? **HOPE**
On screen: “Trace program: running.” **FEAR**
We listen to the phone conversation as though we were on a third line. The man’s name is Cypher. The woman, Trinity.
TRINITY (WOMANV.O.)
I said, is everything in place?
The entire screen with racing columns of numbers. Shimmering like green-electric rivers, they rush at a 10-digit phone number in the top corner. **FEAR**
CYPHER (MANV.O.)
You weren’t supposed to relieve me.
TRINITY (V.O.)
I know but I felt like taking a shift. **HOPE**
The area code is identified. The first three numbers suddenly fixed, leaving only seven flowing columns. **FEAR**
CYPHER (V.O.)
You like him, don’t you? You like watching him? **HOPE**
We begin MOVING TOWARD the screen, CLOSING IN as each digit is matched, one by one, snapping into place like the wheels of a slot machine. **FEAR**
TRINITY (V.O.)
Don’t be ridiculous.
CYPHER (V.O.)
We’re going to kill him. Do you understand that? He’s going to die just like the others. **FEAR**
TRINITY (V.O.)
Morpheus believes he is the One. **HOPE**
Only two thin digits left. **FEAR**
CYPHER (V.O.)
Do you?
TRINITY (V.O.)
I… it doesn’t matter what I believe.
CYPHER (V.O.)
You don’t, do you?
TRINITY (V.O.)
If you have something to say, I suggest you say it to Morpheus.
CYPHER (V.O.)
I intend to, believe me. Someone has to.
The final NUMBER POPS into place – **FEAR**
TRINITY (V.O.)
Did you hear that?
CYPHER (V.O.)
Hear what?
On screen: “Trace complete. Call origin: #312-555- 0690. **FEAR**
TRINITY (V.O.)
Are you sure this line is clean?
CYPHER (V.O.)
Yeah, ‘course I’m sure.
We MOVE STILL CLOSER, the ELECTRIC HUM of the green NUMBERS GROWING into an ominous ROAR. **FEAR**
TRINITY (V.O.)
I better go. **HOPE**
She hangs up as we PASS THROUGH the numbers, entering the nether world of the computer screen. Suddenly, a flashlight cuts open the darkness and we find ourselves in –
2 INT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT 2
The hotel was abandoned after a fire licked its way across the polyester carpeting, destroying several rooms as it spooled soot up the walls and ceiling, leaving patterns of permanent shadow.
We FOLLOW four armed POLICE OFFICERS using flashlights as they creep down the blackened hall and ready themselves on either side of Room 303. The biggest of them violently kicks in the door. The other cops pour in behind him, guns thrust before them. **FEAR**
BIG COP
Police! Freeze!
The room is almost devoid of furniture. There is a foldup table and chair with a phone, a modem, and a powerbook computer. The only light in the room is the glow of the computer.
Sitting there, her hands still on the keyboard, is TRINITY; a woman in black leather.
BIG COP
Hands behind your head! Now! Do it! **FEAR**
She slowly puts her hands behind her head.
3 EXT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT 3
A black sedan with tinted windows glides in through the police cruisers. AGENT SMITH, AGENT BROWN, and AGENT JONES get out of the car. They wear dark suits and sunglasses even at night. They are also always hardwired; small Secret Service earphones in one ear, the cord coiling back into their shirt collars.
AGENT SMITH
Lieutenant?
LIEUTENANT
Oh shit.
AGENT SMITH
Lieutenant, you were given specific orders –
LIEUTENANT
I’m just doing my job. You gimme that Juris-my dick-tion and you can cram it up your ass.
AGENT SMITH
The orders were for your protection. **HOPE**
The Lieutenant laughs.
LIEUTENANT
I think we can handle one little girl.
Agent Smith nods to Agent Brown as they start toward the hotel.
LIEUTENANT
I sent two units. They’re bringing her down now.
AGENT SMITH
No, Lieutenant, your men are already dead. **HOPE**
4 INT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL 4
The Big Cop flicks out his cuffs, the other cops holding a bead. They’ve done this a hundred times, they know they’ve got her, until the Big Cop reaches with the cuffs
and Trinity moves — It almost doesn’t register, so smooth and fast, inhumanly fast. **HOPE**
The eye blinks and Trinity’s palm snaps up and the nose explodes, blood erupting. Her leg kicks with the force of a wrecking ball and he flies back, a two-hundred-fifty
pound sack of limp meat and bone that slams into the cop farthest from her.
Trinity moves again, BULLETS RAKING the walls, flashlights sweeping with panic as the remaining cops try to stop a leather-clad ghost. A GUN still in the cop’s hand is snatched, twisted, and FIRED. There is a final violent exchange of GUNFIRE and
when it’s over, Trinity is the only one standing. **HOPE**
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Budinscak Hooks
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Subtle way to create questions in your story that push the reader/audience to search for an answer.
o Hooks remind me of setups/payoffs.
Character Names:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Cat – demanding, curt, gullible, focused
Subtext – threatening
Logline – Cat’s ‘ready, fire, aim’ style scares everyone in her family, but the longtime Carmine’s employee is well loved by the customers.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of Act 1. Last night, Jack has committed to deliver a package for Don Vito. This morning he’s dropped his Cadillac off at the funeral home for modifications and Jack’s crossing the parking lot to the restaurant.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The restaurant is busy, people wait in line. In the first booth, Sal and Puck sit – Puck wears a backpack. Aunt Cat approaches and the boys sit at attention as Jack enters the restaurant.
JACK
We running a babysitting service now?
CAT
Nah, I’ve got these two tonight. We’re going to have fun, right?
Both boys nod when Cat looks their way.
JACK
Nice backpack, Puck.
PUCK
Thanks.
Sal snickers and Puck kicks him under the table.
PUCK
Stop it, Sal.
Jack walks behind the counter and disappears. Cat turns to her sister, Betty.
CAT
Betty, is it hot in here or is it me?
BETTY
It’s you.
CAT
Where is she?
Betty looks at the thermostat.
BETTY
It says it’s 72 in here.
CAT
I don’t believe it. What does she say?
Cat walks behind the counter directly to a picture of New York City. Underneath the picture is a Statue of Liberty thermometer. Cat studies it.
CAT
76, I knew it. My girl is never wrong. It’s the only thing I trust in here.
JACK (OS)
How about me?
CAT
Like I said, it’s the only thing I trust in here.
Jack walks from behind the counter over to his nephews.
JACK
You two gonna eat?
The boys shake their head no.
JACK
Then get up. We got customers waiting.
Jack pulls both boys out of the booth and walks them to a wall containing pictures of family events held at Carmine’s over the years. Cat walks over and laughs as she points to a picture – Jack is all smiles as Sal and Puck munch on ice cream cones next to his Cadillac.
CAT
The bank ride.
PUCK
It wasn’t funny.
Cat laughs harder. A very large MAN enters the restaurant and hangs by the cash register.
CAT
Jack, your crazy friend, Chick’s here.
SAL
Chick?
Jack waves his friend over and they walk to a table in the back.
SAL
Aunt Cat, that big guy’s name is Chick?
CAT
You gotta ask your uncle about that.
Jack directs Chick to the office in the back while he walks over to Cat.
JACK
I gonna be away for a few days. Just wanted to let you know.
CAT
Where you going?
JACK
Atlantic City.
CAT
I’m not cooking?
JACK
I’ll only be gone for a few days.
CAT
Jack, I’m not going to be responsible for cooking. I don’t want to cook.
JACK
And none of our customers want you to cook either. Tommy said he’d do it. So relax, Cat.
Jack turns, Cat stops him.
CAT
Why you going there?
JACK
I’m doing someone a favor.
CAT
It better not be the old man. Jack, it’s not Don Vito, is it?
JACK
What?
Puck walks by and Jack grabs his backpack causing Puck to stumble, but he keeps going and doesn’t say a thing.
CAT
Jack, leave him alone.
JACK
Leave him alone? He needs me. I’m the only one who can help him grow cajones.
CAT
And what about Sal?
JACK
I’m trying to decide between federal or state prison for him.
SAL
Federal. It’s less work.
JACK
Smart boy.
CAT
That’s like the rat calling the weasel a jerk.
SAL
Huh?
CAT
Don’t sass me, Sal.
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Budinscak Hooks
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Subtle way to create questions in your story that push the reader/audience to search for an answer.
o Hooks remind me of setups/payoffs.
Character Names:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Cat – demanding, curt, gullible, focused
Subtext – threatening
Logline – Cat’s ‘ready, fire, aim’ style scares everyone in her family, but the longtime Carmine’s employee is well loved by the customers.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of Act 1. Last night, Jack has committed to deliver a package for Don Vito. This morning he’s dropped his Cadillac off at the funeral home for modifications and Jack’s crossing the parking lot to the restaurant.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The restaurant is busy, people wait in line. In the first booth, Sal and Puck sit – Puck wears a backpack. Aunt Cat approaches and the boys sit at attention as Jack enters the restaurant.
JACK
We running a babysitting service now?
CAT
Nah, I’ve got these two tonight. We’re going to have fun, right?
Both boys nod when Cat looks their way.
JACK
Nice backpack, Puck.
PUCK
Thanks.
Sal snickers and Puck kicks him under the table.
PUCK
Stop it, Sal.
Jack walks behind the counter and disappears. Cat turns to her sister, Betty.
CAT
Betty, is it hot in here or is it me?
BETTY
It’s you.
CAT
Where is she?
Betty looks at the thermostat.
BETTY
It says it’s 72 in here.
CAT
I don’t believe it. What does she say?
Cat walks behind the counter directly to a picture of New York City. Underneath the picture is a Statue of Liberty thermometer. Cat studies it.
CAT
76, I knew it. My girl is never wrong. It’s the only thing I trust in here.
JACK (OS)
How about me?
CAT
Like I said, it’s the only thing I trust in here.
Jack walks from behind the counter over to his nephews.
JACK
You two gonna eat?
The boys shake their head no.
JACK
Then get up. We got customers waiting.
Jack pulls both boys out of the booth and walks them to a wall containing pictures of family events held at Carmine’s over the years. Cat walks over and laughs as she points to a picture – Jack is all smiles as Sal and Puck munch on ice cream cones next to his Cadillac.
CAT
The bank ride.
PUCK
It wasn’t funny.
Cat laughs harder. A very large MAN enters the restaurant and hangs by the cash register.
CAT
Jack, your crazy friend, Chick’s here.
SAL
Chick?
Jack waves his friend over and they walk to a table in the back.
SAL
Aunt Cat, that big guy’s name is Chick?
CAT
You gotta ask your uncle about that.
Jack directs Chick to the office in the back while he walks over to Cat.
JACK
I gonna be away for a few days. Just wanted to let you know.
CAT
Where you going?
JACK
Atlantic City.
CAT
I’m not cooking?
JACK
I’ll only be gone for a few days.
CAT
Jack, I’m not going to be responsible for cooking. I don’t want to cook.
JACK
And none of our customers want you to cook either. Tommy said he’d do it. So relax, Cat.
Jack turns, Cat stops him.
CAT
Why you going there?
JACK
I’m doing someone a favor.
CAT
It better not be the old man. Jack, it’s not Don Vito, is it?
JACK
What?
Puck walks by and Jack grabs his backpack causing Puck to stumble, but he keeps going and doesn’t say a thing.
CAT
Jack, leave him alone.
JACK
Leave him alone? He needs me. I’m the only one who can help him grow cajones.
CAT
And what about Sal?
JACK
I’m trying to decide between federal or state prison for him.
SAL
Federal. It’s less work.
JACK
Smart boy.
CAT
That’s like the rat calling the weasel a jerk.
SAL
Huh?
CAT
Don’t sass me, Sal.
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Budinscak Suspense
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Suspense is a universal application in all genres of film.
o Very simple formula that’s very useful – Promise an event that matters and delay fulfillment.
o Fun way to raise the stakes in a scene, create suspense and make the reader wonder what’s next. Fun stuff.
Character Names:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
FBI GUY 1 – snooty, authoritative, gullible, pompous
Subtext – Noncommittal
Logline – FBI Guy 1 believes he will right any wrong and has the authority to use any method in his employ to achieve the desired result.
Setup:
We’re knee deep in the middle of the second part of Act II. Jack’s lost all his money and has turned to ‘enlightening’ his nephews as his only ‘win’ in Las Vegas. His tutorial of the female anatomy has gone awry when the FBI burst in and scared the bejesus out of the woman. She fled the room leaving Jack, the FBI GUY 1 & 2, Puck and Sal. The FBI guys are dressed like tourists draped in rayon and polyester. Puck and Sal hide in the closet.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
JACK and the FBI GUY 1 and 2 watch the partially naked, striking young lady run from the room. Jack shuts the door and turns to his intruders.
JACK
And how may I help you?
FBI GUY 1
Where are your nephews?
JACK
Two twelve year olds at a crowded hotel pool all by themselves… What could go wrong?
FBI GUY 1
Let’s talk about what can go right. You want me to make everything go right?
JACK
You mean like at the craps table?
FBI GUY 1
I’m talking about expunging your record. Wiping the slate clean.
JACK
I got no blemishes.
FBI GUY 1
And right now is not a good time to start.
JACK
Has everybody got an angle here? What do you want from me?
FBI GUY 1
You’re working for us as of right now.
JACK
Us?
The FBI guys flash their badges for a nanosecond.
FBI GUY1
We’re gonna go through your Cadillac and whatever we find, we take. Nice incentive, huh?
JACK
I work for you AND you steal from me? How do I get a job like that?
FBI GUY1
It takes year, which you don’t have. But I can get you there in two days.
JACK
Do I get a per diem or do I foot the bill?
The two agents get a good chuckle.
FBI GUY 1
How would you say it, Jack? You get squa-doosh.
JACK
So no travel budget. Who do I get to steal from?
FBI GUY 1
Don Vito. You help us and I’ll even get rid of those twenty plus parking tickets in Geeville.
JACK
You can do that?
FBI GUY 1
We can do anything. We’re the government.
JACK
Great. Exactly what do I have to do with Don Vito?
FBI guy 2 whips out a wire and hands it to FBI guy 1.
FBI GUY 1
Too bad this isn’t live, Jack. You’d have a helluva story. Too bad no one would believe you.
JACK
Well, at least there’s some good news.
FBI GUY 1
What’s that?
JACK
Now I know why this other guy’s here. What do you do? Yell I’m done and he comes in and wipes your ass?
FBI guy 1 restrains number 2 from getting at Jack. Jack smiles and rests against the wall – totally satisfied with himself.
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Budinscak Anticipation Dialog
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Techniques to draw the reader to our character, make them worry/wonder about them.
o Curiosity caught the reader, and the cat’s pissed.
Character Names:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Don Vito – Dictatorial, aloof/arrogant, narcissist, sneaky
Subtext – Underhanded
Logline – Don Vito rules with an iron fist and relishes his reputation. He is rarely fooled and plays a nasty game of poker, especially when he holds all the cards.
Setup:
It’s the beginning of the story and Jack has witnessed the moving body bag being removed from the hearse. Don Vito grills Jack about what he saw and Jack convincingly admits to seeing nothing or knowing anything.
INT. FUNERAL HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
Seated in a plush chair, Don Vito leans forward and places his elbows on the desk, his hands together, but not for prayer. On the opposite side of the desk, Jack leans back in his shitty metal folding chair. He’s ready for battle.
DON VITO
Jack, do you know why they call me the Weatherman?
JACK
With two brothers as morticians, your family wanted a meteorologist?
DON VITO
Jack, you’re a funny man. No, make that clever. Clever is better. They call me the Weatherman cuz I have an uncanny knack for calling when and where lightning will strike.
JACK
And when is the lightning strike coming?
DON VITO
Hard to tell right now. It’s kinda cloudy.
JACK
How may I help?
DON VITO
I need you to do a personal favor for me. Will you?
JACK
Always, Don Vito.
DON VITO
Bless you, Jack. All I need is for you to make a delivery for me. That’s it.
JACK
What’s the catch?
Don Vito motions towards Carmine’s, the restaurant across the parking lot.
DON VITO
You’ve got until Monday at 2:00. At 2:01, I guarantee lightning will strike Carmine’s and burn it to the fucking ground.
Jack sits in silence. Now it’s the Don’s turn to lean back and relax.
DON VITO
Jack, it’s what you don’t say that speaks the loudest.
JACK
Why me?
DON VITO
Cuz we’re business partners. We’re attached, like the letters M and N. You know what I mean?
The wheels are turning in Jack’s head as he shakes it no.
DON VITO
You can add N to one word and get the exact opposite meaning than with a M. Watch. Skim means to get fat while skin means to take away. Let’s use it in a sentence. If you continue to skim from me, I will skin you alive.
JACK
Don Vito, I’ve always answered the call for you. Whenever, wherever for whatever, I’ve been there. Have been, will be. Always.
DON VITO
Jack, I know you’re taking a little extra for yourself.
JACK
I’m sorry, Don Vito, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DON VITO
Are you saying the elves who make shoes snuck in and stole it?
JACK
I know I didn’t do it. I can’t vouch for the elves
Don Vito leans forward, Jack leans forward.
DON VITO
We’re fast approaching the point of no return. Once we’re there, I am no longer your friend, I become the guy you must avoid. Capisce?
JACK
I understand. With my integrity in question, I will prove myself to you once again. I accept and will handle your favor.
DON VITO
Always good to come to an understanding with you. I’ll see you ….
JACK
(cutting in) … tomorrow morning. Good night.
Jack rises from his chair.
DON VITO
Tick tock, Jack, tick tock. The clock’s started.
As soon as the door shuts after Jack leaves, Don Vito picks up the phone and punches in a number.
DON VITO
We have one more guest for the party. That makes four. (laughs) Well, three and a half anyway.
Don Vito chuckles at his own macabre wit as he leans back in his chair.
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Budinscak Anticipation Scene
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Setting up your script to keep the reader engaged has changed from the script I selected – “Ghostbusters” in 1984 – to what is acceptable today. In terms of description and action lines it’s been streamlined, but the devices used to make/keep it a page-turner hasn’t changed.
o Fun to go back and look at the scene from this angle, very insightful and subtle.
o Great way to go through your script and identify areas to build in anticipation and make it a page-turner.
I picked the original 1984 release of “GHOSTBUSTERS” as my film. The scene below is near the beginning after our heroes have interviewed the Librarian who saw the ghost and they’re now off to the location where the spirit and Librarian interacted.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
THE DOOR
Spengler sticks his head in.
SPENGLER
(excited)
It’s moving!
Stantz and Venkman rush out.
INT. DEEP IN THE STACKS — DAY
They come slowly down the dark aisle with Spengler leading, taking constant readings. Their faces are lit mainly by the light of their own monitoring and recording equipment.
NOTE: We know all this specialized equipment is for the detection of ghosts/apparitions/supernatural. All the lights and sounds indicate ghosts are nearby.
A SPIRAL STAIRCASE
One by one, Venkman, Stantz and Spengler come down the tightly winding, old iron staircase. They are scared. Books are strewn all over the floor.
A BOOKSHELF
The books start to slide forward then the whole shelving unit topples over and almost crushes the team under a ton of books. They jump to safety.
NOTE: Nice visual of how the spirit world can interface with the living.
VENKMAN
Nice.
(out loud)
Hello…
Spengler looks at his meters and silently points at a dark aisle
intersecting the one they’re in. The team inches toward it.
SPENGLER
It’s here.
NOTE: Anticipation of knowing the ghost’s location and its proximity to our heroes.
They stop at the corner.
INT. THE DARK AISLE — DAY
The team peeks around the corner and looks toward camera.
THEIR POV — DAY
An ethereal presence is hovering between the stacks about four feet off the ground. It seems to waver on the edge of being and non-being, then a large legless, headless torso begins to emerge.
VENKMAN, STANTZ AND SPENGLER
They stand there amazed.
STANTZ
(whispers)
What is it?
VENKMAN
It looks like a big pair of breasts and a
pot belly.
THE TORSO — DAY
A head and arms begin to form. The apparition is now unmistakably a full-bodied, somewhat elderly lady.
SPENGLER
It’s a woman.
NOTE: We finally get to see/read a description of the ghost.
He edges closer to take valence readings. Stantz starts snapping infra-red photos of it.
STANTZ
(excited)
I told you it’s real.
VENKMAN
(whispers)
What do we do now?
STANTZ
(whispers back)
I don’t know. Talk to it.
VENKMAN
(nods in agreement then
hesitates)
What do I say?
STANTZ
Anything! Just make contact.
VENKMAN
(takes a deep breath, then
addresses the specter)
Hey, Lady?
(the apparition turns and
seems to look right past
them)
Lady! Can you talk? Who are you?
(no answer)
(to Stantz)
This is not working. Think of something else.
STANTZ
(sotto voce)
Okay. Okay. I got it. I know what to do.
Stay close. I have a plan.
NOTE: Our yet-to-be-named Ghostbusters – Spengler, Stantz and Venkman – have in fact for the first time see a ghost and attempt to interact with it.
He starts moving closer to the apparition. Venkman and Spengler edge closer, fighting their fear. They stop just a few feet from the vision.
STANTZ (CONT’D)
(whispers)
Okay, now do exactly as I say. Everybody
ready?
VENKMAN & SPENGLER
Ready.
STANTZ
Okay…
(shouts)
GET HER!!!
He leaps at the apparition. Venkman and Spengler jump reflexively at almost the same moment but they all end up on the floor grabbing at thin air.
THE GHOST — DAY
She drops back a few feet, looms up into a raging demonlike specter and blasts them with a rush of hot breath as she mouths a single word.
THE GHOST
(roars)
QUIET!
NOTE: They interacted with the ghost and it answered them – and now we’re sure they don’t know what to do.
VENKMAN, STANTZ AND SPENGLER
They scream and fall backwards.
EXT. LIBRARY — MAIN ENTRANCE – DAY
They burst through the doors and onto the broad steps, both terrified and exhilarated by their first real contact with the supernatural. The Head Librarian rushes out the door after them and chases them down the steps.
HEAD LIBRARIAN
(very agitated)
Did you see it? What was it?
VENKMAN
We’ll get back to you.
NOTE: What are they going to do next time they meet a ghost? Can they capture one? How?
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Budinscak is being Dramatic
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Very good module providing the writer with numerous tools to amp up the conflict and tension.
o I appreciate the checklists at the end of a session. It’s a roadmap for success when I get off on a tangent.
o This is a brand new scene and it stems from the lesson “Settings that add Drama”.
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Puck – nerdy, book smart, insecure, devious
Subtext – Devious
Logline – Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin, Sal.
Sal – sneaky, manipulative, smartass, bit of a bully
Subtext – Sneaky
Logline – Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Setup:
Act II has just begun as has the journey for Jack, Puck and Sal. They’ve been on the road for a few hours, it’s hot and the air conditioner isn’t working properly.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sweat beads on Jack’s brow and rolls freely down Sal’s face. Strangely, Puck is unaffected. Sal lowers the window, Jack raises the window from his panel. He locks the windows.
SAL
It’s hot in here.
JACK
Something’s wrong with the air conditioner.
SAL
We know that. How come I can’t lower the window?
JACK
It’ll let the hot air in.
Puck and Sal glance at one another.
PUCK
That’s not entirely true. We’ll at least have air circulating …
JACK
No.
PUCK
No what?
JACK
We’re not lowering the windows.
SAL
You don’t want the wind to mess your hair.
JACK
You know what I want? Peace and quiet for the next hour.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Only a few minutes have clicked off the clock.
SAL
I’m hungry.
JACK
You’ve been hungry all day.
PUCK
I gotta go to the bathroom.
JACK
No surprise there.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Up ahead, an exit sign for “Lakeside Heights”.
INT. CADILLAC – CONTINUOUS
Jack points out the windshield.
JACK
We’re gonna stop there. We’ll grab a bite, get some gas and then you’ll be good boys and be quiet for a while, sound good?
The boys reluctantly nod in agreement.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
Jack’s Cadillac parks next to one of the gas pumps.
JACK
You two idiots try not to get hurt. I’ll be right back.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – CONTINUOUS
Jack and the store CLERK watch Puck and Sal chase one another around the Cadillac.
CLERK
Been on the road long?
JACK
Couple of hours, why?
CLERK
Your boys got some pent up energy.
JACK
You might say that.
Outside, Puck tags Sal, turns the other way and runs. Sal’s in pursuit.
JACK
How’s that river to swim in?
CLERK
The water’s great …
RING – the phone rings
CLERK
Excuse me, I’m expecting a call.
JACK
No sweat. You said the water’s great?
The Clerk is consumed with the phone call. Jack waits a second before he pivots and leaves.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – CONTINUOUS
Jack signals to the boys to get in the car.
INT. CADILLAC – CONTINUOUS
Jack wears a satisfied look on his face.
JACK
I got an idea before we eat. Sal, you wanted to go for a swim in the Atlantic Ocean, right?
SAL
Correct, Uncle Jack.
JACK
Instead, how ‘bout a dip in a river? That river!
Jack points, the boys cheer.
EXT. CONVIENENCE STORE – CONTINUOUS
The Cadillac parks on the side of the store, out of sight of the store Clerk.
The Cadillac doors pop open and out jumps Puck and Sal in their bathing suits. They make a beeline for the river with Jack only a few steps behind.
They run down a hill and stop on the river’s edge. They dip their toes in the water.
INT. CONVIENENCE STORE – DAY
The Clerk hangs up the phone and continues the conversation with Jack.
CLERK
The water’s great, you just got to be careful. (he looks around) Hello?
On the counter, the Clerk adjusts a Poison Ivy medicine display.
EXT. RIVER – DAY
Sal backs up into a small green patch as he readies to run and jump in the river. Puck jumps in front of him waving his hands.
PUCK
Stop! Don’t move.
SAL
Why?
PUCK
I think you’re standing in poison ivy.
Sal jumps about four feet in the air.
A few steps away, Jack bends to pick up an opaque filmy kind of skin and there’s lots of them on the river bank. Snakes are molting their skins right here!
JACK
We got snakes around here!
Jack leads Sal and Puck as they sprint up the hill.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
Jack, Puck and Sal burst through the store’s door.
CLERK
Hey, where’d you go? You didn’t go to the river, did you?
The uncle and his nephews nod their heads sheepishly.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
The Caddy’s windows are barely cracked – they whistle – as the car flies past slower moving traffic.
Both boys sit on new towels, they still wear their wet bathing suits. Sal’s poison ivy powder-covered feet rest on another new towel on the floor.
PUCK
How much longer do we have to be quiet?
Sal begins to giggle. Jack makes eye contact with Puck through the rearview mirror. It’s not a friendly look.
SAL
It’s hot in here. Can I put the window down?
JACK
No!
PUCK
I gotta go to the bathroom.
SAL
I’m kinda getting hungry.
Jack grits his teeth and tightens his grip on the steering wheel.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Budinscak Creates a Future
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o How to shore up and sell a scene.
o I appreciate having the characters’ traits and profiles handy to keep them consistent.
o Whatever improves the script and piques the reader’s interest.
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version facts as he sees fit.
LC – Lincoln Clogs – intimidating, a planner, sarcastic, leader
Subtext – Tricky
Logline – LC will always do the right thing, especially in the pursuit of shady purposes.
Setup:
Act II has just begun, LC has given Jack a tour of the call center and Jack and his nephews are ready to begin their journey.
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack and LC stand at the back of the Cadillac as two of
LC’s MEN approach carrying buckets of ice.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea. I’m afraid to look.
LC
Why? You need to know.
JACK
I play stupid better than I play liar.
LC
Sounds like that’ll come in handy for this trip.
Jack drops his eyes and shakes his head. LC motions to the two faces staring at him from the Cadillac’s back window.
LC
What are you going to do with your nephews?
JACK
Since you won’t take ‘em, I’m dropping them off at the bus station.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
I’ll figure it out. How tough can they be, really?
LC winces to the comment. LC knows all too well what Jack will soon find out.
LC
And you’re sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
Positive. I just don’t know what to do.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet followed by a slight nod. Jack props off the lid of the cooler. He and LC lean in to look and pull back immediately.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
Hmmmmm. Well, wish me luck.
Jack closes the trunk and stops before LC. The two men shake hands, then embrace in a hug before Jack jumps in his Caddy. LC knocks and Jack lowers the driver’s side window.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
I got no idea.
LC steps back and the Cadillac lunges forward. Sal and Puck hang out the back windows waving goodbye.
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Budinscak Misleads/Reveals
Day 8
What I learned doing this assignment:
o These are the types of movies I enjoy the most, and I immediately think of “The Usual Suspects”.
o If it engages the reader, I’ll do it.
o These are the parts of movies you’ll always remember.
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version facts as he sees fit.
LC – Lincoln Clogs – intimidating, a planner, sarcastic, leader
Subtext – Tricky
Logline – LC will always do the right thing, especially in the pursuit of shady purposes.
Setup:
Our movie’s based in 1986 and we’re in the very beginning of Act II, Jack’s woken up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute, IN; and he’s just determined he has his two nephews – Puck and Sal – with him. He’s discussing his options for his nephews with his buddy, LC.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
LC leads Jack in the direction of a plain looking building with a large number of lines bundled together leading into the building.
JACK
What do you think, the bus station?
LC
No, you can’t do that.
JACK
Will you take them?
LC
N F W. Let’s come back to that later.
JACK
You’re right. Maybe I’ll take them with me. What do you think? A father and his two kids? Great cover.
LC
I think you’re crazy. Let’s talk business.
Off to the side, a MAN rests a briefcase on his lap as he speaks into a large, ancient version of a mobile phone.
LC
There’s our death knell, the mobile phone.
JACK
Who, that guy? He’s paying good money so he can be accosted anytime.
LC
You mean contacted, not accosted, right?
JACK
Same thing.
They approach a generic building in the middle of the picnic grounds. Generic other than the excessive number of lines running into the building.
LC
Good call about the phone company.
JACK
I told you. Can’t do sex lines any longer.
LC opens the door and they walk inside –
INT. OFFICE – DAY
To a modern call center. There are numerous WOMEN and MEN on the phones talking.
LC
Jack, welcome to P Z N. – the Psychic Zealots Network. Our motto, we’re pizzin’ off the competition, the FCC and everybody else.
Jack looks around in amazement. It’s a busy place.
LC
People! We have our CEO here, Jack DiLuna. Jack, meet our company!
Everyone stands and claps, a few let out cheers. Jack, red faced embarrassed, bows to everyone. A smiling Jack turns to a serious-faced LC.
LC
I know how you got the seed money.
JACK
And so does our donor.
LC
What did the Don say?
JACK
A lot with very little. He talked about the difference one letter can make. Eye opening to say the least.
CANDY, late 20’s, pretty, a shark in a dress, approaches the two men.
LC
Jack, meet our Office Manager, Candy. Candy, Jack.
CANDY
It’s nice to meet the brains of the operation.
Jack look around the room.
JACK
Brains? Did someone else walk in?
CANDY
LC told us how you predicted problems with phone sex lines, but calls about astrology? $5.95 the first 2 minutes and $.95 a minute afterward. Genius.
JACK
How many shifts?
CANDY
Twenty-four seven, six days a week. We do observe the Sabbath every Sunday.
JACK
Of course. Where do you get your readings?
CANDY
Newspapers, wire services, wherever. Sometimes we just make the shit up.
They all laugh.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Budinscak Crucible
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Some crucibles are created organically and this is a chance to ramp up the tension and conflict.
o My scene is the climax and has all the key characters in one place to settle the score.
2. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Don Vito – dictatorial, aloof/arrogant, sneaky, narcissist
Subtext – Underhanded
FBI Guy – edgy, all knowing, unscrupulous, agreeable
Subtext – sneaky
Setup:
We’re in Act III, Jack has delivered the package to Burbank and he’s waiting on Don Vito to grant ‘amnesty’.
For this example, the nephews are with their captor in another room while this takes place. This is an abridged version of the scene to provide this crucible.
SCENE:
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Don Vito asks one of his men to take Puck and Sal to another room. Jack watches his boys leave the room
DON VITO
Jack, you made the delivery on time. I’m impressed.
JACK
I told you it’d get done. Where you taking my nephews.
DON VITO
To a quiet place.
JACK
They’ve done nothing, keep them out of it.
DON VITO
Exactly what I intend to do.
JACK
When can we go?
DON VITO
Jack, Jack, Jack. I promised I wouldn’t burn your restaurant down, but I never said you would go free.
Off to the side, a door breaks down and the FBI team bursts into the room.
FBI GUY
Don’t anybody move.
DON VITO
You two. What do you want?
FBI GUY
We want what you promised us.
DON VITO
You’re going to get what you need.
Two of Don Vito’s men, guns drawn, appear behind the two FBI agents. They press their guns against the agents’ heads.
FBI GUY
Feels like a big caliber weapon
MAN 1
It is.
Click – the unmistakable sound of a shotgun loading. Everyone freezes.
DRIVER
Jack, you were right. It was under 3 minutes for everyone to turn on each other.
Jack’s all smiles. He grabs Man 1’s gun and pushes the guy out of the way.
DON VITO
Jack, don’t forget, I kept my …
JACK
Shut up.
Driver and Jack lead the men to the casket display room.
JACK
Driver, what are those Porsche digits?
Driver
9 1 1.
JACK
Exactly. Dial ‘em up.
Driver smiles and keeps the shotgun leveled on the group as he walks to the funeral home’s main phone and makes the call.
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Budinscak Amazing Settings
Day 6
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Tough to think outside the box on some scenes when it’s a road trip movie, but I believe I’ve easily upgraded a couple of scenes.
o Like real estate – location, location, location.
o Easier to get your point across in the right setting.
SCENE 1:
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene:
Time to make amends. Jack was particularly rough on his nephews and lost sight of their age. He extends an olive branch to Sal and Puck
Setting:
On the road in the Cadillac.
AFTER:
New Setting:
At a rest stop, Jack notices a river. He asks the boys if they’d like to go swimming – and they do. They change in their swim trunks and make their way to the water. Once there, they find fresh snake skins where the snakes have molted and poison ivy. Jack buys poison ivy medicine at the rest stop convenience store.
How this improved the scene:
It brings a large increase in conflict, puts everyone in danger, poison ivy – gives them something they’ll have to deal with. It elevates everything.
SCENE 2:
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene:
With a lengthy buildup about the magic of Las Vegas, Jack and the boys enter the city. After great anticipation, it’s time for rest.
Setting:
Jack originally pulls in a large parking lot, goes to the back and parks facing the entrance
New Setting:
Jack pulls his dusty, dirty Cadillac into a tony neighborhood in Las Vegas and parks for some shut-eye. He constantly has to move and stay one step in front of the local crimestoppers units, neighborhood security and the tail he picked up a day ago.
How this improved the scene:
More conflict, better opportunity to work in suspense and comedy.
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Budinscak Setups/Payoffs
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I enjoyed the ‘Ace Ventura’ analysis for setups/payoffs
o Setups and payoffs occur on their own in numerous areas of the story
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Logline – Jack is a scoundrel and not the role model his impressionable nephews need, but they’re his captive audience and he’s ready to dispense ‘his knowledge’ as he sees fit.
Cat – Direct/assertive, responsible, edgy
Logline – Cat, Jack’s sister, is a cornerstone of the restaurant, an able cook and waitress, she is the only sibling Jack is leery of and the only aunt Puck and Sal are afraid of since she’s a formidable deliverer of punishment.
Betty – motherly, soft, negotiator
Logline – the oldest sister and kindest of all the DiLuna family members. She can be easy to fool and is the most lenient to Puck and Sal and she’s apt to believe almost everything Jack says, but she will call bullshit on him, too.
Setup:
We’re in Act I. Last night, Jack witnessed the body bag that moves and upon being confronted by Don Vito, Jack’s agreed to deliver a package for the Don. This morning, Jack has dropped off his Cadillac at the funeral home for modifications for the trip.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack crosses the parking lot from the funeral home to Carmine’s.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
It’s a busy day in the restaurant, CUSTOMERS wait for seats. SAL and PUCK, Puck wears his ubiquitous backpack, sit in a booth when their aunt, CAT, walks over.
CAT
You boys going to eat something or just sit there?
Jack strolls in. He makes small talk with a few customers as he makes his way to the booth.
JACK
We babysitting these two today?
CAT
Pfft. Not if I had my way. Betty’s got their mom’s on speakerphone in the office. They’re asking about you.
JACK
About what?
CAT
How the hell do I know? Go find out. (Cat looks at the nephews) – Well, you gonna order or you want me to pick it for you?
Puck and Sal gulp as they watch their uncle walk away. They’re afraid to make eye contact with their aunt.
OFFICE
Jack finds Betty hovering over the speakerphone and yelling into it. ANGELINE (Puck’s mom) and JERRY (Sal’s mother) yell back from their end of the phone.
BETTY
Guess who just walked in? The man with no plan.
ANGELINE (OS)
Jack, are you still picking us up?
JACK
Yes.
JERRY (OS)
What time and where?
JACK
I hate when you do this. Tuesday morning at JFK. Good guess?
JERRY (OS)
That’s right. If you don’t want to pick us up, let us know.
JACK
I’ll be in Atlantic City on business. Don Vito asked me for some help.
Betty looks up and she’s worried.
BETTY
Careful with the old man, Jack. Don’t trust him. Pa never did.
ANGELINE (OS)
Betty’s right. You should …
JACK
You should take a chill pill. I’ll be there, I got you. And the old man asked me for a favor. How could I say no?
JERRY (OS)
No! How was that?
They all laugh.
JACK
I’ll see you two on Wednesday afternoon.
ANGELINE (OS)
Tuesday morning!
JACK
Just checking to make sure you’re paying attention.
ANGELINE (OS)
Tell our boys we miss them and can’t wait to see them.
JACK
Want me to give those two a little discipline and some backbone?
BETTY
Be nice, Jack.
JERRY (OS)
Just make sure they eat well. I worry when I’m away from Sal.
JACK
And we worry when we’re around him.
BETTY
He reminds us of you at that age.
JACK
That’s my cue to leave.
Jack winks at Betty, Betty wears a big smirk.
JACK
See you Wednesday.
JERRY (OS)
Tuesday!
Betty and Jack burst out laughing.
DINING ROOM
Puck and Sal eat hot dogs and French fries and wear mustard and ketchup. Cat studies a statue of liberty thermometer and places it on the table when the nephews eat.
JACK
Checking the temperature?
CAT
It’s always hot in here. So you’re going to Atlantic City?
JACK
Don Vito asked me to go there as a favor. I’ll try my luck in a few casinos while I’m there.
CAT
Don Vito? Jack …
JACK
I just went through this with your sisters. I’ll be okay.
CAT
Quite the life, Jack. Must be nice.
JACK
It is.
Jack motions to the Sal and Puck.
JACK
Who’s stuck watching those two brats?
CAT
It’s my turn this evening, then Betty. You want to help?
JACK
Jack don’t do babysitting.
CAT
It’ll be a learning experience.
JACK
Learn what? That Sal’s me when I was his age and Puck is smarter than I am now? I already know how that story ends.
CAT
You’re the only one I know that can step in dog shit and come out smelling like a rose.
JACK
It’s a gift. (motions towards the nephews) Have fun with Elvis and Poindexter.
Jack and Cat look at Puck and Sal then each other before laughing. And the nephews have no idea what’s so funny.
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Budinscak Twists
Day 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The ‘Back To The Future’ analysis was revealing as to the number and variety of twists. Really good stuff.
o I like having the character’s traits listed to ensure they answer/act according to their character.
o I always enjoyed twists – and the ending to “THE STING” immediately comes to mind.
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Logline – Jack is a scoundrel and not the role model his impressionable nephews need, but they’re his captive audience and he’s ready to dispense ‘his knowledge’ as he sees fit.
Puck – nerdy, book smart, insecure, devious
Logline – Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin, Sal.
Sal – sneaky, manipulative, smartass, bit of a bully
Logline – Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Setup:
We’re near the end of Act II, but not quite there. Jack has lost all the money he brought to Circus Circus while the boys have won every game they’ve played. Puck and Sal know their uncle is down after losing and offer him the diamond rings they won – Jack declines, he knows they’re fake. Jack determines his nephews have never seen a naked woman and he orders a call girl to come to their room.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Puck and Sal watch their uncle pull out a satchel LC gave him back in Terre Haute. He opens the satchel and a couple of bundles of cash fall on the bed.
SAL
What’s all that?
JACK
Some spending money from LC.
Jack counts the money quickly and puts it back in the satchel. He puts the satchel in the top drawer of the desk.
Knock, knock – someone’s at their hotel door.
JACK
She’s here. You boys hide in the closet. Go.
Jack makes sure the closet door is closed before he opens the hotel room door.
JACK
Well hello …
In walks a knockout. TIFFANI, mids 20’s, is beautiful and curvy – she fills out her slinky, form fitting dress perfectly.
TIFFANI
Tiffani, with an I.
JACK
And I’m Jack, that’s a J with an ‘ack’ after it. Come here.
Jack leads Tiffani so she’s facing the closet doors. He steps aside so he doesn’t block the boys’ view.
Tiffani tugs at a zipper and her dress falls to the floor – she’s completely naked.
JACK
WOW!
Jack lets out a whistle, as does Sal from behind the closet doors. Jack stops a second before Sal. Tiffani looks around Jack to the closet.
TIFFANI
Is someone hiding in the closet?
JACK
Absolutely not. What do you think I am?
Knock, knock – someone bangs on the hotel room door.
VOICE (OS)
Room service.
JACK
I ordered champagne for us. Stay there.
Jack turns and make a ‘wow’ face to the boys in the closet. He walks to and opens the hotel door.
Two FBI agents burst in.
FBI GUY
FBI. Nobody move.
Tiffani shrieks, grabs her dress and runs out the door. Three sets of eyes follow her every move.
JACK
What are you guys doing here?
FBI GUY
We do whatever we want to do – we’re the FBI. And we want you to help us get more money from Don Vito.
JACK
Don Vito?
FBI GUY
Yes. He owes us money on a deal and we want more. And you’re the guy to make it happen.
JACK
You’re not the good guys?
FBI GUY
We are whoever we need to be, we’re the ….
JACK
F B I. Yeah, I got that. What do you want with me?
The FBI and Jack go round and round, and none of it benefits Jack.
FBI GUY
And you’re going to wear this wire when you’re with him. Too bad this wire isn’t live, Jack, you’d have the drop on us.
The second FBI agent looks around the room and opens the desk drawer. He pulls out the bundles of cash.
FBI GUY
And what do we have here? Is that a down payment from you?
The FBI team laughs as it stuffs cash in their pockets.
FBI GUY
Jack, get your shit together. We’re going to the craps tables and double our money. We’ll be in touch.
The two agents walk out the door laughing.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Budinscak Dramatic Irony
Day 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Nice way to involve the audience.
o Whatever’s needed to keep the reader and audience engaged.
o It’s a great tool to have at our disposable.
1. Characters
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Logline – Jack is a scoundrel and not the role model his impressionable nephews need, but they’re his captive audience and he’s ready to dispense ‘his knowledge’ as he sees fit.
Puck – nerdy, book smart, insecure, devious
Logline – Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin, Sal.
Sal – sneaky, manipulative, smartass, bit of a bully
Logline – Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blane.
Setup:
We’re in the middle of Act II and the day has just begun in Albuquerque, NM. Jack faces an 8-hour trip to Las Vegas with his nephews. While the boys are in the bathroom, Jack checks in with his sister Cat at Carmine’s.
INT. TRAVEL LODGE – DAY
Jack has the phone in the crook of his neck as he dials the last few numbers.
JACK
One day we’ll just say a name and the phone will call on its own. Riiiiiight.
CAT (OS)
Carmine’s, may I help you?
JACK
(Disguising his voice) I’d like to call in a take out order of calamari.
CAT (OS)
I’m sorry, we only have calamari on the dinner menu. We’re serving lunch now.
JACK
With the Diablo sauce on the side please.
Jack starts to giggle hearing the anger beginning to rise in Cat’s voice.
CAT (OS)
Sir, we don’t have calamari right now, I’m sorry. Would you like to order something else?
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Cat taps her feet, her eyes narrow while she fidgets with her pen over the order form. Carmine’s customers give her wide berth.
JACK (OS)
How about ordering up chili? As in chill, Cat. I can feel your anger over here.
CAT
And where’s here?
JACK (OS)
I’m in Atlantic City.
CAT
Always nice to hear from you, Jack, but we’re busy. Anything else?
JACK (OS)
Yeah, I got Puck and Sal with me. Gonna take ‘em to the ocean for a dip.
CAT
You got them? Let me talk to them.
JACK (OS)
No. See ya.
Click – the call’s over.
CAT
What? Jack?! Hey!
She stares in the phone before placing it back in the holder. A customer gives Cat a blank smile as he hands her money and his bill. She snaps it out of his hand and asks angrily.
CAT
How was everything?
INT. TRAVEL LODGE – DA
Complete with clean clothes, Puck and Sal emerge from the bathroom.
PUCK
Who was that?
JACK
Just someone I know who knows Clint.
PUCK
Clint Eastwood?
SAL
No shit?
Jack squints at Sal before turning to Puck.
JACK
Yup. We’ve got a bit of a ride ahead of us, but if you boys are real good, you’ll see him tonight.
SAL
For real?
JACK
Am I stuttering?
PUCK
We’ll see Clint Eastwood tonight? If we’re good, right?
JACK
Not good, real good.
SAL
What’s the difference? I mean, are you judging us?
JACK
It’s my call, but if you’re real good …
PUCK
We will be.
Sal’s head snaps around with a WTF look directed at Puck. Puck eyes Sal and simply nods.
PUCK
You’re not bull crapping us, are you, Uncle Jack?
JACK
Bull crap, really? Crap? It’s bull …. Shit, Puck. Does it hurt you to swear?
Puck shakes his head no, Sal smirks.
JACK
Puck, can I trust you guys? You got this?
PUCK
We got this, Uncle Jack.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack listens to music while the boys are at their best behavior in the back seat.
PUCK
How much longer?
JACK
We’re almost there.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The Cadillac passes a road sign: “LAS VEGAS – 200 MILES”
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Puck and Sal both see the sign and look at one another.
PUCK
So we’re meeting Clint where?
JACK
You’ll see him this evening at the hotel.
SAL
What time?
Jack looks in the rearview mirror and shrugs. Sal turns to Puck and nods in Jack’s direction.
PUCK
Uncle Jack …
JACK
Quiet. You know the rules. You gotta be real good.
Puck and Sal settle in their seats. They nod off soon.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack checks on his nephews – they’re sound asleep in the back seat.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
The Cadillac pulls in large parking lot and heads to the back area. The Caddy parks under a tree facing the entrance.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack stares through the windshield, but no other vehicles enter the lot. He turns to Puck and Sal
JACK
You boys were real good tonight. I’m sorry I lied to you.
Jack closes his eyes and falls asleep.
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Budinscak Conflict
Day 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Great way to amp up any scene.
o I enjoy the benefits of having checklists.
o Anything to engage ‘the reader’ and entice them to turn the page is great.
Setup:
Act II has just begun. Jack and his nephews, Puck and Sal, have just left Terre Haute and LC (Jack’s friend) – they’re finally on the road. The journey begins.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Jack’s filthy Cadillac, a blend of days’ old road dust mixed with morning dew, speeds by slower traffic.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A clean Jack gets comfortable behind the wheel while a dirty pair of nephews occupy the spacious back seat.
JACK
You guys ready to get going?
SAL
I guess we’re not swimming in the Atlantic?
PUCK
Who exactly is LC?
JACK
No, we’re not going swimming, Sal. LC’s my brother.
SAL
From whose side of the family?
PUCK
You mean like slang?
JACK
What do you think I met?
Sal plays with the back windows putting them down, then up, then down, then up.
JACK
Sal, stop that.
PUCK
I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.
Sal leaves the window partially open – it whistles.
JACK
Sal, put the window up.
Sal makes believe he doesn’t hear his uncle. He smiles and stares out the window. Jack puts the window up from his control as he eyes his nephew in the rearview mirror.
PUCK
So?
JACK
So what do you want now?
PUCK
How is LC your brother?
JACK
He’s family.
Sal
From whose side?
Sal starts playing with his back window again.
JACK
Sal, stop playing with the window.
SAL
I’m not doing anything.
Sal makes eye contact with Jack and smiles slyly. Jack turns and reaches for Sal and the Caddy lurches. Sal squirms out of the way.
Flashing lights appear behind the Cadillac.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
A state trooper, lights flashing, follows the Cadillac to the shoulder of the road.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack’s pissed and the boys struggle not to laugh.
JACK
See what you guys just did.
PUCK
Maybe we can call Uncle LC for help.
Snickers come from the back seat. Jack levels a stare at the boys, his face an unnatural red.
JACK
Freeze.
Puck and Sal make comical faces before they stop moving.
Tap, tap – the trooper’s baton hits the window
JACK
Good afternoon, Mister Trooper. Fine day we’re having, hmmm?
TROOPER
Do you know why I pulled you over?
JACK
Nary an idea, sir.
TROOPER
You were weaving all over the road. Get out of the car, please.
JACK
Is that safe?
TROOPER
Get out of the car, now.
Jack spots the frozen faces of Puck and Sal in the mirror, he closes his eyes and shakes his head.
Tap, tap on the window.
JACK
Coming.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The trooper stands at the rear of the Cadillac and signals for Jack to come over. Jack saunters over and looks questioningly at the state lawman.
TROOPER
You have water dripping from your car.
Jack sees water pooling from a steady drip out of the trunk.
JACK
That’s condensation from the tailpipe.
TROOPER
Tailpipe’s on the other side (looks at license), Jack. Open your trunk.
JACK
Can’t do that, sir.
TROOPER
Excuse me?
JACK
No can do. I’m a senior research associate with cooler division of IBM. I’m on a secret mission.
Jack looks in the rear window, Puck and Sal still hold their comical faces. Jack’s eyes narrow as he grimaces.
TROOPER
Open your trunk.
JACK
I’ll tell you what’s there – a specially designed cooler.
TROOPER
What’s in the cooler?
JACK
I can’t tell you.
TROOPER
Look …
JACK
You look … at my two boys. They think they’re going swimming in the Atlantic Ocean. They have no idea what’s going on. Look at them.
The trooper looks around Jack to the boys and back to Jack.
JACK
They weren’t blessed with brains or looks. Sad.
Jack and the trooper stare into the Cadillac’s back window one more time.
JACK
Here.
He pops the trunk revealing a large black cooler. The trooper leans in.
JACK
No, no, no. Can’t have you look inside.
TROOPER
What is it?
JACK
Gelato.
Jack opens the cooler and the trooper peeks inside seeing the container’s label – gelato.
TROOPER
Sir, if you want to discipline your kids, please pull over next time.
The trooper hands Jack his paperwork and leaves.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack plops down in the driver’s seat. He turns to his nephews – they’re still holding their expressions.
JACK
That’s enough.
The boys relax, then start to giggle. Jack’s not having fun.
JACK
That was a fun 30 minutes. Ready?
PUCK
Ready for?
SAL
I’m hungry.
JACK
We just left the picnic.
PUCK
I gotta go pee.
JACK
Oh, come on. You got issues, too?
PUCK
Now how’s LC family?
JACK
Cuz I trust that guy with my life. And I only do that with family.
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Budinscak Dramatic Choices
Day 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
o All the details that go into the selection process to craft a great scene.
o I saw a different movie doing this exercise.
o All the setups – not a single wasted line, not a single wasted scene – for payoffs later.
I watched “Jungle Cruise” for the first time last night and the first 30 minutes of it again today. Starring Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt, it’s about a legend, a curse and an Indiana Jones-like adventure to find a possible cure to all of mankind’s illnesses and curses. It’s a fun movie.
Of the first 30 minutes, the first 10 minutes were dedicated to the curse/legend and introducing Emily Blunt’s character, Dr. Lily Houghton, and her brother, Macgregor, whose father had a detailed map AND the arrowhead to identify exactly where the sought after flower petal from an ancient tree can be found. They segued to a 5 minute intro of Dwayne Johnson’s character, the Amazon boat Skipper Frank, a charlatan of a tour guide.
The film officially starts and the next 15 minutes takes us to the end of Act I. I really enjoyed the movie.
JUNGLE CRUISE – First 30 minutes
1- The film opens with an underwater shot of vibrant colors of the ancient tree and its fabled flowers of which a single petal can cure any illness or break any curse.
2- An above water shot has a Spanish ship battling a nasty storm on the open waters.
3- The ship braved the storm but ran aground in a river. We see Conquistadors, in full armor, struggling making their way through the jungle.
4- A number of Conquistadors die and the expedition has failed. The Conquistador leader, Aguirre, is on the brink of death himself when he is found and nurtured back to life by the people who guard the tree.
5- Aguirre wants a specific arrowhead that is key to locating where and when the ancient tree may flower and is denied. He and his men attack the people who guard the tree and kill a few of them, but the jungle protects its own. The Conquistadors become cursed, never to be out of sight of the Amazon River.
6- Back in England, Emily Blunt recites word for word the presentation her brother is giving in front of a room of crusty old gentlemen. He reads from cue cards.
7- As the brother drones on, Emily Blunt leaves her seat and disappears down a hallway following directions she scribbled on her arm. She stumbles upon a gentleman looking through ancient artifacts. Little does she know, but that’s the movie’s antagonist, Prince Joachim from Germany, he’s also looking for the arrowhead.
8- Prince Joachim assumes she’s looking for the secretaries galleries and points in a direction to which Ms. Blunt scampers off.
9- Emily picks a lock, but is caught once entering the room. She uses a hankie coated with a drug (chloroform) and covers her confronters mouth – he drops to the ground, she proceeds to where the arrowhead is kept.
10- The brother’s filibuster is ended and he’s discredited. Meanwhile, Emily disguises herself in a safari uniform, steals the arrowhead and outwits those in the room as she tries to getaway.
11- The German Prince shows up and the men in charge fawn all over him for the monies he’s donated. He’s in search of one thing – the arrowhead. He steals a look in its container and it’s gone.
12- Prince Joachim yells to stop Emily and a fun and light chase sequence ensues. As part of her escape, she dangles out the second story window hanging from a ladder. The Prince offers to help her get to safety, but only if she tosses the box containing the arrowhead. She throws him the box and he pushes the ladder aside so it collapses.
13- Emily’s brother is physically thrown out of the building and sees her situation. He steps in front of a double-decker bus stopping it just as Emily drops from the ladder and lands on her feet in the upper tier of the bus and they run off to safety.
14- Emily and her brother discuss going to the Amazon to pursue her quest. The have their airline tickets to get to Brazil, and then they’ll find a boat captain.
15- Segue to our Skipper, Frank Wolff, and his introduction. We meet the charming charlatan of a tour guide and his dilapidated boat. All encounters are well orchestrated, meaning everything’s fake. But Frank does demonstrate his showmanship when he swings down from the smokestack, enters the boat’s main room, puts on his hat, then his jacket … and he’s fidgeting with two buttons as the tourists yell for him to pay attention, and he swings the steering wheel in time to avert a disaster. And he tells very corny jokes along the way – to everyone’s dismay.
16- There are examples of just how dangerous the jungle can be when a flower devours an insect and a woman leans out to snag some flora, but Skipper warns them of the dangers. He points out skeletons hanging from trees, snakes and other dangers.
17- Skipper mentions a hippo killing people and a young girl calls him out that hippos aren’t in the Amazon and Skipper motions for her to be quiet – she and the Skipper knows he’s wrong.
18- He scams a few extra bucks to ‘safely’ get everyone back to the docks and the movie officially begins.
19- A flyover shot of Porto Velho, Brazil, a quaint village with a train that …. Yes, looks like a Disney ride.
20- Off the train walks Emily and her brother. She is dressed in pants, a running gag the rest of the movie. He is dressed in completely inappropriate safari attire, he is all fashion, no function.
21- Someone has a newspaper article with Emily’s picture in it. He follows the brother and sister team.
22- Emily and her brother walk through an outdoor market and the overhead shot shows the Amazon in the background.
23- Emily spots the docks and runs to find her boat. Meanwhile, Skipper is confronted by his main boat tour competition, dock owner and loan shark – Mr. Nilo. Skipper owes Nilo money and he doesn’t have enough. To cover, Nilo confiscates Skipper’s boat engine.
24- Skipper follows Nilo back to his office just as Emily is told to look for Nilo in his office upstairs. Skipper breaks in as Emily bangs on the door wanting to hire him.
25- When Emily mentions she has a lot of money, Skipper relents and opens the door – it’s the first time Skipper and Emily see one another. He does make a comment about her wearing pants.
26- They negotiate a deal and Emily helps Skipper break into the compartment hiding Nilo’s keys for Skipper’s engine.
27- Skipper and Emily go to the bar to celebrate their deal when her brother walks in with the real Nilo, and they just agreed on a completely inflated price. Emily stands and looks at Skipper with disdain, but Skipper won’t stop negotiating and he explains why she should go with him.
28- Before a deal is reached, a large Jaguar makes its way into the bar – and everyone screams. Skipper engages the Jaguar ultimately throwing a steak out a window and the big cat follows it. The windows are closed and Skipper is hailed a hero – everyone cheers.
29- Emily tells the Skipper that even though there’s a lot she doesn’t like about him, he’s capable – and she agrees that he’ll be their boat captain. And they’re leaving in 10 minutes. The bad guy with the newspaper clipping is in the bar, too.
30- Skipper steals an engine for his boat and it’s lowered and put in place. While he’s fixing the engine, a ball rolls out and Skipper says it’s not time to play. The Jaguar – named Proxima – comes out and we find it’s Skipper’s pet.
31- Emily and her brother bring their luggage to the boat slip and it’s way too much. She has an overnight bag and her brother has about a dozen large pieces of luggage.
32- While Skipper and brother debate what luggage is coming and what isn’t, Emily is captured.
33- Nilo yells from the third floor that Skipper stole his engine and stop him. Skipper and brother leave the docks just in a nick of time before Nilo’s men can board their boat.
34- Emily picks the lock of the cage she’s in and escapes. There’s a fun chase scene where Emily and Skipper team together and escape their own pursuers to start their journey.
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Budinscak Final Scene for Feedback Exchange
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o Go great early in your story and build your characters from there.
o Strong character profiles helps rid the story of inconsistencies.
SCENE:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a family restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot opposite a funeral home on the other.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf.
JACK, late 20s, moves gracefully in synch to the music when he cooks, he’s a natural in the kitchen.
He spins a knife and in one move, slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. Jack pulls a wad of cash from his pocket and stuffs it between the bread halves. He writes ‘F H’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio.
Jack approaches a large pot of sauce and takes a deep breath. He tastes his sauce, closes his eyes and nods.
JACK
This is … intoxicating. Ma, you taught me good.
Knock, knock – someone knocks on the kitchen door.
JACK (sing-songy)
Who is it?
TOMMY (OS)
It’s your brother with two surprises.
JACK
As long as it isn’t those two little ass …
The door opens and TOM, 40ish and bearish, drags two boys behind him, PUCK and SAL, preteen cousins. Jack ain’t happy.
JACK
If it isn’t Puck and Sal. And what brings you two mutts into my kitchen? Tommy, did they come willingly?
TOMMY
They wanted to help bring food to the table, right boys?
SAL
Not really.
Jack’s stare makes Sal look away.
PUCK
Whose benefit is it for Sal and I to help?
JACK
What? You know what would benefit you two? An extended dose of me, but I only do that for nephews I like.
The boys roll their eyes. Jack affectionately cuffs the back of Sal’s head – not too hard, but hard enough.
SAL
Ouch!
JACK
Stop. Puck, grab the meat. Sal, you grab the sauce. Now go.
Tommy holds the door as the nephews carefully exit the kitchen. Tommy laughs as Jack mouths a few expletives.
JACK
Let me throw out some of this trash and I’ll be right there.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack tosses a couple of bags of garbage in the dumpster. He stoops to pet an orange tabby cat rubbing against him.
JACK
How’s my, Rusty?
A hearse pulls up to the parking garage and MEN exit. They move to the back and open the door. They struggle with a body bag that jerks around wildly.
JACK
That is one lively dead guy in that body bag.
Jack turns to leave and … steps on the cat’s tail. YEOW! The men by the hearse stop and look over, but they never see the back door of Carmine’s close.
The back door opens, and a hand slips out a saucer of milk.
JACK (OS)
Sorry, Rusty.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Jack walks in and the radio switches from music to news.
RADIO
A key government witness has been reported missing.
Jack hesitates just a second before he shuts the radio off.
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters a room full of family – MEN and WOMEN – enjoying food and drink. His sister, CAT, mid 30s, looks like a librarian, but tougher than nails.
TOMMY
Jack, is this Mom’s recipe? Cuz this is …
SAL
Good shit.
CAT
Hey!
Jack cuffs Sal on the back of the head.
JACK
Wrong, great shit!
Puck bursts out laughing first, then everyone follows including Sal.
CAT
Jack, we’re talking about having a party for everyone, like a family reunion.
JACK
Union.
CAT
What?
JACK
It’s a union. How can it be a RE-union if you never had one before?
PUCK
Do you even know what a reunion is?
JACK
Do you know what a U J A is?
Puck shakes his head.
JACK
It’s an Uncle Jack Attack. You boys don’t want that. Ever.
Puck and Sal exchange glances as Jack watches them. They look at their uncle and shake their heads. He smiles and nods.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Budinscak Ad for A-List
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o Get your characters in action, no delays.
o We have a lot of tools to work with to entice A-List talent.
o The assignments have defined the traits of my Protagonist and the Antagonists.
Character’s Name – Jack
What is the interesting situation? It’s the opening scene, our introduction to our hero and protagonist, Jack. We also meet the antagonists (Puck, Sal and Don Vito) as well as the inciting incident.
What is the insight about this character? We see Jack in his environment, gain insight that he does some nefarious things, has a dislike for his nephews, is quite the chef in the kitchen and has his own unique views about family.
What action and description will sell this character? Jack’s street smarts, his running commentary and dialog and his ability to handle adverse situations with his nephews in tow.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf.
JACK, late 20s, moves gracefully in synch to the music when he cooks, he’s a natural in the kitchen.
He spins a knife and in one move, slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. Jack pulls a wad of cash from his pocket and stuffs it between the bread. He writes ‘F H’ on the bag and stores it on a shelf.
Jack approaches a large pot of sauce and takes a deep breath. He tastes his sauce, closes his eyes and nods.
JACK
This is intoxicating. I didn’t know I was this good, but I must be.
Knock, knock – someone knocks on the kitchen door.
JACK (sing-songy)
Who is it?
TOMMY (OS)
It’s your brother with a surprise.
The door opens and TOM, 40ish and bearish, drags two boys behind him, PUCK and SAL, preteen cousins. Jack ain’t happy.
JACK
As long as it isn’t those two little ass … hello there Puck and Sal. And what brings you two mutts here? Tommy, did they come willingly?
TOMMY
They wanted to help bring food to the table, right boys?
SAL
Not really.
Jack’s stare makes Sal look away.
PUCK
How come we have to help?
JACK
You know what you two need? A concentrated dose of your uncle, but I only do that for nephews I like.
The boys roll their eyes. Jack cuffs the back of Sal’s head – not too hard, but hard enough.
SAL
Hey!
JACK
Puck, grab the meat. Sal, you grab the sauce. Now go.
Tommy holds the door as the nephews carefully exit the kitchen. Tommy laughs as Jack mouths a few expletives.
JACK
Let me throw out some of this trash and I’ll be right there.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack tosses a couple of bags of garbage in the dumpster. He stoops to pet an orange tabby cat.
JACK
Hey there, Rusty.
At the funeral home across the parking lot, a hearse pulls up to a garage door. MEN exit the hearse, run to the back and open the door. They struggle with a body bag that jerks around wildly.
JACK
Looks like someone’s making a late night delivery. Except they ain’t dead yet.
Jack turns to leave and … steps on the cat’s tail. YEOW! The men by the hearse stop and look over, but they never see the back door of Carmine’s close.
The back door opens, and a hand slips out a saucer of milk.
JACK (OS)
Sorry, Rusty.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Jack walks in and the radio switches from music to news.
RADIO
A key government witness has been reported missing.
Jack hesitates just a second before he shuts the radio off.
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters a room full of family, food and drink. His sister, CAT, mid 30s, looks like a librarian, compliments him on the food.
CAT
Jack, we’re talking about having a party for everyone, like a family reunion.
JACK
Union.
CAT
What?
JACK
It’s a union. How can it be a RE-union if you haven’t had the first one yet?
PUCK
Do you even know what a reunion is?
JACK
Do you know what a U J A is?
Puck shakes his head.
JACK
It’s an Uncle Jack Attack. You boys don’t want that.
Puck and Sal exchange glances as Jack watches them.
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Budinscak Dialog on the Attack!
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o I’m looking forward to taking the voices in my head and putting them down on paper.
o No exposition needed, it’s all about character and story.
o The characters did their own talking today.
Jack – Protagonist
Basic Traits:
Condescending
Street Smart
Showman/Slick
Selfish
Subtext: – Conniving
Don Vito – Antagonist
Basic Traits:
Dictatorial
Aloof/arrogant
Sneaky
Narcissist
Subtext: Underhanded.
Setup: Don Vito’s men claim Jack saw them unload the body bag from the hearse. As Jack crosses the parking lot later that night, those same men grab Jack and escort him to an office.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
Don Vito sits in a big chair behind a fancy desk and Jack sits across from him in an uncomfortable chair.
On a table sit a loaf of bread labeled “F H” and multiple meals Jack brought with him from the restaurant.
DON VITO
Jack, you bring goodies, how nice. What else did you bring?
JACK
Aside from a great baked ziti, your favorite – bread with bread.
Jack yanks the bread from the bag labeled “F H” and separates the loaf exposing a wad of cash.
JACK
We hit a few winners.
DON VITO
I bet. How’s the ziti?
JACK
It’s a winner.
DON VITO
I used to love your nonna’s calamari.
JACK
It was always fresh.
DON VITO
Like it fell off a truck?
JACK
It jumped in the boat.
DON VITO
What else?
JACK
I don’t know nothing else. Why?
DON VITO
Meh. I hear things, the workers talk.
JACK
And what do they say?
DON VITO
They say you saw them earlier this evening.
JACK
I don’t know what they’re talking about.
DON VITO
So you think they lied to me?
JACK
I didn’t say that?
DON VITO
So you think they lie to me as some kind of joke? You think this is funny?
JACK
No, not what I said.
DON VITO
Then just what the fuck are you saying?
JACK
What I’m saying …
DON VITO
Cuz if these fucks want to lie to me, I’ll kill them right here and nobody would ever know. You know why?
JACK
Because you can dispose of the bodies right here in your brother’s funeral home?
DON VITO
Laughs. I always liked you Jack, you were my favorite of the DiLuna kids.
JACK
Thank you.
The Don calls in the MEN who struggled removing the body bag from the hearse. He signals for one MAN to step forward.
DON VITO
Jack, you hold this man’s life in your hands. If you lie, he dies. I’m going to ask you one last time, what did you see this evening.
JACK
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don Vito nods and the two men drag the one man away.
JACK
Stop!
The men stop and turn to Jack. Jack gets up and slaps the man being held.
JACK
I won’t tolerate anyone lying to Don Vito.
Jack walks back to his chair and sits down in a humph.
JACK
But …. I did hear a cat scream about that time. And I know, again, you know … it’s happened where a homeless guy – let’s call him Ray – will nose around the dumpster sometimes. Now I’m not saying your guys saw Ray, but I am saying that sometimes Ray hangs around the dumpster. And if he was hanging around the dumpster, he may have stepped on a cat’s tail. But I don’t know if it was Ray or not, but he does show up sometimes.
Don Vito and his men simply look at Jack and shake their heads.
DON VITO
You’ve talked and said nothing. Now what?
JACK
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go.
DON VITO
Would you?
Jack nods
JACK
It’s the right choice.
DON VITO
Right choice, hmmm. Jack, I need a favor.
JACK
What can I do?
DON VITO
I need you to deliver a package on my behalf.
JACK
Where to?
DON VITO
I can promise you beautiful weather and new casinos to hone your gambling skills.
JACK
I love Atlantic City. And what do I get in return?
DON VITO
I won’t burn your fucking restaurant to the ground.
Jack and Don Vito eye one another and hold their stare until Jack nods in agreement.
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Budinscak Character Outline
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o I’m glad I gave my characters a more range by revising their traits.
o I’ve adjusted/revised my characters’ traits as I’ve gone through the modules.
o I focused on the first 15 minutes of the movie.
REVISED OUTLINE:
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Jack – Showman, slick – in one motion, JACK slices a loaf of Italian bread in half and fills it with a wad of cash. He slips it back in its bag and scribbles “F H” on it. He hides it on the top of a shelf.
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law, drags nephews PUCK and SAL into the kitchen. Jack sneers at the two preteen cousins. He gives them orders to carry food and cuffs Sal in the back of the head.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
Jack – Conniving – Jack carries the conversation with his extended family present and occasionally makes fun of his two nephews. When Puck makes an insightful comment questioning his uncle, Jack cuffs Puck on the back of his head – harder than he hit Sal.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack – Street smart – Jack watches the activity at the funeral home across the parking lot. MEN struggle with a body bag – it jerks wildly – pulling it from the hearse. Jack counts the men, the number of seconds to get the back from the hearse into the funeral home – and nods to himself that he could escape. Jack spins around to go back inside and steps on a cat’s tail. The cat screams and the men from the funeral home look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
Jack – Condescending, Big Heart – Jack makes fun of his nephews, it’s good-natured ribbing and the boys love it.
Puck – Nerdy, Devious – Puck questions his uncle and Jack doesn’t like being showed up. He smacks the back of Puck’s head.
Sal – street smart, sneaky – when Jack asks for silence, Sal makes a sound and blames Puck. Puck suffers the punishment and Sal skates from blame.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jack – street smart, big heart – Jack crosses the parking lot with the loaf of bread (figurative and literally) and some leftovers from his family’s dinner. He feigns ignorance when he’s questioned by Don Vito’s men on what he saw.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
Don Vito – Narcissist, sneaky – Don Vito questions Jack about what he saw, but Jack claims ignorance. The Don says that to make things whole, Jack must do him a favor. He must deliver a package for Don Vito, and in return, the Don promises NOT to burn Jack’s family’s restaurant, to the ground
Jack – Street smart – Jack knows as soon as he claims he saw something, it’s over. He continues to say, and rather convincingly, that he never saw a thing. And after hearing Don Vito’s offer, Jack agrees to make the delivery.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack – Showman – Jack brags to his family that Don Vito needs his help and asked Jack for a favor. He outlines a grandiose plan for the upcoming weekend – Jack’s going to Atlantic City. He never tells anyone what would have happened if he said ‘no’.
Sal – sneaky – Sal hears Atlantic City and seizes the opportunity. He convinces Puck to go along with his plan and the result – Puck and Sal will be swimming in the ocean off Atlantic City.
Puck – Book smart, gullible – Puck believes his cousin and follows him blindly into the adventure.
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Budinscak Translated Character
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o I’m going to revise my main character’s basic traits to give him more range.
o I find there’s a fine line between good and evil.
o Great guide into character behavior to elevate scenes.
o I found other ‘good ideas’ that will be worked into the story.
Character Name: Jack
Situation: Jack’s at his destination in Burbank – a funeral home – and Don Vito reveals the contents from the ice cream containers in the cooler – the head, hands and feet of the missing government witness.
1. Role in the story: Protagonist, Uncle to Puck and Sal, and the one who promised to deliver the package.
2. Age range and Description: Late 20’s, movie star good looks with hardened features and soft eyes.
3. Core Trait A – Selfish – what might a ______ person do or say?
o I’ve seen better heads in gelato containers.
o Do you think if it was French Vanilla he’d look better?
o Jeez, if I’d a known that was in the cooler, I’d have charged admission on the way here.
o Ain’t that the guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
Trait B – Conniving – what might a ________ person do or say?
o Wha’d you do with the body? Can I sell the organs?
o Maybe we can make a mold and sell masks.
o What are you gonna do with the brain?
o So, wha’d he do?
o Ready to negotiate with the information he has – FBI.
Trait C – Street Smart – what might a _____ person do or say?
o Worst case of suicide I’ve ever seen.
o I can see that face on a milk carton.
o He don’t need no shoes or gloves anymore. Where’s his watch?
o Looking around the room, assessing escape routes and the Don’s personnel.
o Already identified the pencil on the counter as the weapon to murder Don Vito and how he’ll do it.
4. Want/Need – Want: to buy himself some time and assess the situation. Need: to escape.
o Jack excuses himself to go to the bathroom.
o Jack engages Don Vito in conversation while he gets up from his chair and moves towards the doorway.
o Jack starts to tell the Don all the little personal stories about him and his nephews experienced along the trip.
o Jack weaves tales of bravery and near-fatal encounters of his trip.
o Jack details his interaction with the FBI.
5. Secret – Jack skimmed money from Don Vito to fund the psychic call center start-up in Terre Haute with LC.
o Jack offers Don Vito a special investment opportunity to get in on the ground floor – a psychic hotline.
o Jack NEVER admits to taking any money at all – ever.
o Jack offers the Don a seat on the Board of Directors of the call center.
o Jack offers to cook for absolutely any occasion Don Vito needs him. Over 25 people, Jack will need a two-day advance notice.
o Jack has kept detailed records of all his transactions, including all dates, locations and customers of Don Vito. Jack’s lawyer friend has a copy, too.
6. Flaw – Jack’s never met a bet, or odds, that he couldn’t beat.
o Jack ‘runs the odds’ – three times – on how long it will take to dispatch of the Don’s bodyguard and hold Don Vito captive.
o Jack makes a friendly wager with Don Vito about the missing government witness.
o Jack doesn’t back down while being questioned and stands up to Don Vito.
7. Special – Jack’s a self-taught chef who won a “Taste of New York” competition, but honed his knife skills in street fights.
o Jack fondles the tactical steel pen in his pants pocket, just in case he has to sign a document or needs a weapon.
o Jack offers to make lunch for everyone in the funeral home.
o Jack’s knowledge of food and his flair in the kitchen helps to relax the defenses of all the Don’s bodyguards.
o Jack practices every move in his head how he’ll disarm the two bodyguards and disembowel the Don.
Character Name: Don Vito
Situation: The delivery to the funeral home and the contents from the ice cream containers in the cooler are revealed to Jack – the head, hands and feet of the missing government witness.
1. Role in the story: Antagonist, in the sense of providing opposition to Jack attaining his goal.
2. Age range and Description: Late 60’s, white hair, paunchy and punchy with mean eyes.
3. Core Trait – Dictatorial – what might a _____ person do or say
o Jack, tell me what you saw at the funeral home in Geeville or I’ll ship you back in those two containers.
o Be honest or it’s your turn next,
o I know about those bastards at the FBI, but now they’re mine.
o There is only one way – my way.
o Don Vito pulls out a knife, tests how sharp it is by slicing through Jack’s shirt
Trait – Arrogant – what might a ____ person do or say?
o He cuts Jack off in the middle of his explanation and has his bodyguards drag Jack away.
o He orders the two nephews be brought into the room and watch their uncle be tortured.
o He claims to know that Jack’s been cheating him, but he was too busy to do anything.
Trait – Narcissist – what might a _______ person do or say?
o Don Vito bragged to Jack about conquests and relationships he never had.
o Don Vito couldn’t wait to drink a glass of ice water in front of those insufferable nephews of Jack while they’re chained to a wall.
o The Don was more concerned with the stain on the front of his jacket than the beatings his men administered.
o Don Vito didn’t wait for Jack to finish his story before he got up and left the room.
4. Character Subtext: Underhanded
o Don Vito had Puck and Sal brought to the room before he challenged Jack for answers.
o The Don has his henchmen take Jack’s nephews out for ice cream before Jack’s torture begins.
o Don Vito slaps Sal around before approaching Puck, only then did Jack relent and answer the question.
o Don Vito shows Jack how sharp his scissors are when he chops off a piece of wood, then calls for Jack’s nephews to be brought to the room.
o Don Vito negotiates Jack’s release if he’ll double cross the FBI.
5. Wants/Needs
o Wants: Everyone to obey him, follow his orders.
o Needs: He cannot afford to show any signs of weakness.
o Don Vito orders a man to cut off Jack’s finger, or that man will lose his finger instead.
o Don Vito orders his men to beat the nephews.
o He wants to have Jack believe his nephews are getting beaten when in fact they were not.
o Don Vito will hurt Jack and the nephews if he believes it demonstrates his will to his men.
6. Secret: Don Vito paid a portion of the agreed upon sum to the FBI in exchange for the location of the government witness. He now has the FBI guys at his disposal.
o Don Vito has his men staged at every door waiting for the FBI to show up at the Burbank funeral home.
o Don Vito chains Jack to a chair and lets him know he’ll have company once the FBI team shows up.
o Jack, do you know what it cost to get rid of a government witness? Two FBI agents. The Don laughs.
7. Special: Don Vito’s nickname is the Weatherman for his uncanny knack of predicting exactly where and when lightning will strike and leave behind a conflagration.
o Jack, do you know why they call me the Weatherman?
o Don Vito plans to burn the Burbank funeral home with Jack and the FBI team inside … then file for insurance.
o In front of Jack, the Don calls his brother in upstate NY and asks if he’d like to expand into the space occupied by Carmine’s.
o Don Vito calls Carmine’s and places orders just so the muzzled Jack can hear his sisters’ voices.
4. The ideas I decided to keep:
Jack’s side: Jack has kept detailed records of all his transactions, including all dates, locations and customers of Don Vito – and Jack’s lawyer friend has a copy, too.
Don Vito’s side: Don Vito wants Jack to believe his nephews are being beaten when in fact they’re not.
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Budinscak Character Chemistry
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o My story is a road trip with three characters in a car driving cross-country. Lots of interaction, lots of good-and-bad chemistry between them.
o Character’s chemistry impacts their communication with other characters – words, actions, et al.
o Regardless of the exercise we do, more of the story reveals itself.
Characters
Jack – Protagonist
Puck – Antagonist 1
Sal – Antagonist 2
Don Vito – Supporting Character
Names/Roles
Jack/Puck
Jack/Sal
Jack/Don Vito
Puck/Sal
A – Common Ground/Similarities
B – Differences that create conflict
C – Playing the same game/competing agenda
D – Need fulfillment
Jack/Puck
A. They share family ties (Puck’s mother is Jack’s sister), celebrated holidays together and have spent time with one another.
B. Puck challenges Jack when he knows he’s right. Puck is uncomfortable with Jack’s freestyle nature. It angers Jack that Puck will get the best of him in front of Sal.
C. Puck tries to hold his uncle accountable during the trip. Jack does whatever catches his whim.
D. Puck seeks his uncle’s acceptance. Jack wants his nephew’s love.
Jack/Sal
A. They share the same family ties and relationships as Jack and Puck, but Jack and Sal are a lot alike in terms of being manipulative, sneaky and in possession of street smarts.
B. Being alike has a major problem when it comes to who’s in charge. Jack expects Sal to do what he says. Sal doesn’t listen to anyone and will lie if about just about everything.
C. Jack sees a lot of himself in Sal, and tries to use the benefit of his experiences to help nudge Sal to make better decisions. Sal feigns interest, and tries to do what he wants.
D. Sal needs guidance, and Jack knows he can help him.
Jack/Don Vito
A. Jack works for Don Vito as a bookie, it’s Jack’s side job. He also sells ‘things’ (apparel, merchandise, electronics) that happen to fall off trucks to the Don and his network.
B. Don Vito’s men tell him Jack saw the deliver of the moving body bag, Jack, convincing as ever, claims he doesn’t know a thing.
C. Don Vito wants a package delivered to Burbank at 2:00 Monday, and Jack will make that delivery to Burbank at 2:00 Monday. Jack also knows he’s facing danger dealing with the Don.
D. Jack needs the Don to keep his word and not burn Carmine’s, Jack’s family’s restaurant, to the ground when he delivers the package. The Don looks to get rid of two problems – Jack and the FBI – at the same time.
Puck/Sal
A. They’ve grown up together, close enough to be brothers. They know what each other is thinking.
B. Puck’s book smarts can be a detriment to Sal’s sneaky, street smarts. Sal knows how to set up a ‘bet’ that appeals to Puck’s statistical side, yet miss the ‘payoff’.
C. Puck and Sal are on the same side when they deal with their uncle during the road trip. Things like food, water, bathroom break, shower – they need to team up and complain about it loud enough for it to be received.
D. What Puck needs – confidence/balls – he gets from dealing with Sal, both good and bad. Sal learns its good to give and not worry about receiving, because it’ll come. That’s Puck’s basic nature.
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Budinscak Character Arc
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o Nice way to review and prioritize your character’s traits and to ensure escalating challenges.
o My outline has evolved from the Day 7 Structure, but I’m using it for this exercise.
Character Arc for Jack – Protagonist
Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
Issues: Jack wants to do … whatever Jack wants to do, and kids don’t allow that to happen. Kids need attention, they need to be watched, they need to be supervised, they need, they need, they need. Jack doesn’t like kids and he loathes his nephews, Puck and Sal. And each knows why – the bank ride.
Escalating Challenges:
Challenge 1: Jack shows disdain for the boys in the opening scene and the audience finds out what caused it – the bank ride.
Challenge 2: the boys get out of hand at the funeral home across the parking lot and embarrass their uncle. Carmine’s customers watch Jack drag them across the parking lot back to Carmine’s, the family restaurant.
Challenge 3: Puck and Sal show up in the back seat of the Caddy that morning in Terre Haute – Jack is pissed.
Challenge 4: They just get on the road out of Terre Haute when the boys starting complaining and fighting. Jack reaches back to break it up, the car swerves and a State Trooper pulls in behind with his lights flashing. Jack lies through his teeth the trooper to stay out of trouble. Jack’s anger mounts.
Challenge 5: After 5 minutes of silence, the nephews once again start complaining and fighting. Jack ties them to their respective sides of the car.
Challenge 6: The boys whine about food, Jack pulls over in a truck stop, buys food, drugs his nephews, they sleep, he’s happy and drives on.
Challenge 7: The boys wake, they’re hungry. Jack thinks he’s got a tail and pulls into a truck stop in Oklahoma. He wanders outside to check on the suspected vehicle and Sal comes running up to him – Puck’s in trouble! Jack goes into the bathroom and beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. Jack blames the boys, but he’s glad he was there. And he got rid of some angst.
Challenge 8: Jack pulls over in a rest stop, the boys are asleep. Jack walks away and comes back, the boys are missing. They just stepped out to go the bathroom – Jack goes ballistic about what may have happened to them.
Challenge 9: In Albuquerque, Jack tells his sisters that Sal and Puck are with him. But he can’t be 100% truthful, he says they’re in Atlantic City.
Challenge 10: In Las Vegas, the boys win their games at Circus Circus, Jack loses everything he plays. The boys offer to help him out and it pisses him off.
Challenge 11: On the final leg to Burbank, Puck and Sal want to ride horses, Jack says no and a big argument ensues. Jack yells and everyone’s quiet. Then CO2 leaks into the interior from the trunk and everyone passes out.
Challenge 12: The nephews are still unconscious and Jack prays to God, he pledges to change his life completely if God saves Puck and Sal. Immediately, Sal moves, Jack starts to recant …. And stops.
Transformation:
Jack’s prayers were answered and he changes. When they arrive in Burbank, the boys are physically separated from Jack and he fights to protect them. Jack’s bopped on the head and knocked out. The boys ultimately come back to save their uncle.
On their way back to upstate NY from JFK airport, the mother’s of Sal and Puck notice a change in their sons and ask Jack what happened. He weaves a tale, and the boys jump in to substantiate what their uncle said …. And add their own spins.
Jack, Puck and Sal’s bond is secured from there on out.
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Challenges 1, 2
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Challenge 3, 4, 5, 6
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Challenge 7, 8, 9
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Challenge 10
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Challenge 11, 12
Transformation:
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
New relationship between Jack, Puck and Sal
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Budinscak Characters Live!
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o A fun opportunity to go overboard on your character.
o I think parts of this will find its way into my story. It didn’t start out that way, but it did give me a couple of other ideas. Thanks
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – NIGHT
LOBBY
An elevator doors open, JACK oozes out and into the lobby. Dressed like he’s in Saturday Night Fever, he would have been the stand-in for Travolta, or maybe it’s the other way around.
He glides three steps and stops, tugging on his shirt collar. He looks left, then right and spins to face the elevator.
He takes one long step and he’s standing in front of the elevator doors. His foot shoots out stopping the doors from closing.
The elevator doors open, Jack steps inside. The doors close.
The elevator doors open. Jack emerges flanked by two mini-Jack’s, nephews PUCK and SAL, dressed identical to their uncle. Jack stops and the boys execute their ill-practiced spins and moves.
A CROWD gathers, hushed conversations ensue.
WOMAN 1
Is that who I think it is?
WOMAN 2
Uh huh. Phew. He moves the way I like.
WOMAN 1
Wha’d he star in?
WOMAN 2
Who cares. I’m just watching the way he makes his pants dance.
Jack SNAPS his fingers, the boys stop and hold their pose.
JACK
Ladies, I’d like to introduce you to my nephews, Puck and Sal. I didn’t want you to think these two cretins were mine. They’re not, I’m single.
Jack flashes a big smile, wider than the front grill of a 69 Dodge Charger, and much cleaner. A woman swoons, her husband catches her.
JACK
(to the husband) She should be good in three minutes. If you need any help, I’ll be in the casino.
(to Puck and Sal) Boys!
Sal and Puck snap from their poses and fall in behind their uncle. The strut to the casino.
WOMAN 2
Good luck, Mr. Travolta!
Only Jack saw the almost imperceptible hitch in his stride when the woman yelled. He waves to her without turning.
A few clap as the crowd disperses.
Jack and the boys walk by mirrors as they approach the casino. Jack chuckles at the image and attire they wear. Even the boys know disco is past its prime.
CASINO
One step after Jack, Puck and Sal cross into the casino, a very, very LARGE MAN in a suit steps in front of them blocking their way.
LARGE MAN
Get the kids outta here.
JACK
Kids? Who, these two? These guys are professional wrestlers. They’re on a minors circuit. Get that? Minors circuit. Meet the Disco Slayers?
The boys growl before bowing. Jack approves. He smiles and nods to the large man.
LARGE MAN
Last time. Get the kids outta here.
The boys flex and growl again. The large man snarls and takes a step forward.
The uncle and two nephews do a 180 and march right out the casino door.
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Budinscak Dueling Agendas
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o How to bring scenes to life.
o A way to create the message you want to deliver – without words.
o No more ‘on the nose’ dialog.
Character Name: Jack
Traits: selfish, conniving, street smart, scoundrel
Subtext: Conniving
Agenda: Jack will admit to nothing concerning Don Vito.
Character Name: FBI Guy
Traits: rigid, aloof, underhanded, evasive
Subtext: Underhanded
Agenda: He will get Jack to agree to work with him and the other agent.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
JACK, late 20s, more smooth than suave, makes small talk with a WOMAN, late 20s, a lady of the night.
KNOCK KNOCK
MAN (OS)
Room Service.
Jack smiles at the woman as he turns the door handle – the door flies open.
Dressed like tourists in shorts and flowery shirts, Two MEN, burst into the room. They still wear their sunglasses.
FBI GUY
FBI no one move.
The woman grabs her purse and bolts out the door. Jack looks quizzically at the odd dressed men.
FBI GUY
Well, look who it is, the Don’s right hand man, Jackie DiLuna.
JACK
Jack.
FBI GUY
Huh?
JACK
Just Jack.
FBI GUY
Okay, J J. We got you. You know it and we know it.
JACK
Who are you guys, again?
FBI GUY
I can understand your confusion, we’re undercover.
The FBI agents smirk at one another. They pull out their credentials and thrust them in Jack’s face – he pays no notice.
Jack spins a chair from the desk until it faces his accusers. He plops down.
JACK
CIA’s undercover. Your alphabet is too proud, you’re always in suits. Who are you guys, really?
The lead agent shakes his head with disdain as he peers over his sunglasses, his eyes puffy and red.
FBI GUY
Jack ….
JACK
You the guys who lost that witness?
That hit a nerve.
FBI GUY
Is that how you want to play it? We’re gonna be your permanent shadows. We …
JACK
Even at night?
FBI GUY
Especially at night.
JACK
Shadows at night?
Jack stands, walks to the TV, turns it on and increases the volume. The men have to yell to be heard.
FBI GUY
What are you doing?
JACK
Isn’t that what you do in case somebody’s listening?
FBI GUY
Listening? That would be us. Now you listen, we got recordings of you and Don Vito.
JACK
Like singing recordings? How do I sound?
FBI GUY
You sound like someone who’s guilty.
Jack shakes his head like he can’t hear. The lead agent struts to the TV and angrily turns it off.
FBI GUY
You’re working for us starting now.
JACK
What’s the pay?
FBI GUY
You do your country a favor and you stay out of jail.
JACK
I’m doing that already. What else you got?
FBI GUY
Really?
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Budinscak Subtext and Loglines
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o Interesting to change a trait, get a different level of depth and a whole new angle for a character.
o Great exercise to setup your characters.
Character Name: Jack
Traits: selfish, conniving, street smart, scoundrel
Subtext: Conniving
Character Logline: Jack is a scoundrel and not the role model his impressionable nephews need, but they’re his captive audience and Jack is willing to dispense knowledge and educate his nephews as he sees fit.
Possible areas of subtext: He will say one thing and mean another, tough to get a straight answer out of him. His decisions are based on how he’ll benefit. He’s not afraid to makeup answers.
Character Name: Puck
Traits: nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext: Devious
Character Logline: Nerdy Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin.
Possible areas of subtext: Puck will ask questions to set someone up to see if they’re lying – to get their tell, he will play the nerd card to seek help with anything physical.
Character Name: Sal
Traits: manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext: Sneaky
Character Logline: Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Possible areas of subtext: Sal will play off of Puck’s competitive nature to get the better of him. Count on Sal to never admit to anything.
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Budinscak Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o Even though they’re characters I know/created, I still had trouble coming up with some of the traits.
o This is a great reference point to develop dialog, subtext, etc.
o This will also give me an idea of what my characters should or should not do in given situations.
o I’m always glad we’re able to go back and update and revise our work.
Character Name: Jack
1. Basic Character Traits:
selfish
conniving
street smart
scoundrel
2. Want/Need:
Want: He wants to do only what he wants to do
Need: to be accountable
3. Paradoxes:
Jack is a me-first, me-only guy with a bit of a soft heart that can be played.
4. Secret:
Jack skimmed money from Don Vito and funded the psychic call center start-up in Terre Haute with LC.
5. Flaw:
He’s never met a bet he didn’t like.
6. Special:
Jack’s a self-taught chef who won a “Taste of New York” competition, but learned his knife skills in street fights.
Character Name: Puck
1. Basic Character Traits:
Nerdy
Insecure
Devious
Intimidated
2. Wants/Needs:
Wants: He wants to be included, not the last one picked
Needs: Attention
3. Paradoxes:
Nerdy and insecure, yet he will challenge to no end if he believes he’s correct.
4. Secret:
He’s a kleptomaniac and steals something everywhere he goes.
5. Flaw:
Even though he may be right, he quickly backs down to a physical confrontation.
6. Special:
Puck can immediately calculate the odds and payouts for bets at the craps tables … and roulette tables … and horse races, baseball games….
Character Name: Sal
1. Basic Character Traits:
manipulative
smart ass
sneaky
bit of a bully
2. Wants/Needs:
Wants: He wants to be an adult
Needs: Discipline
3. Paradoxes:
Sal is no dummy, but prefers to play that role believing he’ll get further ahead if he’s underestimated.
4. Secret:
Sal’s raided his parents’ liquor cabinet more than a few times for his friends.
5. Flaw:
He doesn’t realize the hurt he leaves behind when he bullies others (Puck).
6. Special:
Sal has a knack for writing love letters that get results and Sal’s older brother charges by the paragraph and has a waiting list of customers.
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Budinscak – Get to the Essence Version 2
a. Concept:
In 1986, two preteen cousins learn about life and family on a cross-country journey with their shady uncle, a chef who’s agreed to personally deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA to save his family restaurant from being burned to the ground.
b. Plot Choice:
Adventure. This is a road trip movie.
c. Character Structure
Buddy movie
d. Lead Characters
My protagonist is Jack, scoundrel, helluva chef, he’s the uncle of the two nephews and the tour guide for the boys.
My antagonist1 is Puck, a nephew who is book smart, clingy and honest to a fault who challenges Jack every turn.
My antagonist2 is Sal, a nephew who is street smart, a wiseass and sneaky. He’s a little too-like Jack for Jack to trust.
Antagonist is defined as the one who changes the protagonist from his current state and not the person who prevents him from achieving his goal.
Key Supporting Character is Don Vito, a local crime boss who sends Jack on his journey.
Antagonist in the sense of preventing Jack from accomplishing his goal, but Don Vito is not a main character.
e. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant?
f. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
g. Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
h. Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
i: Character Arc of Lead Character:
Jack is completely self-centered, me first me only a-hole type of a guy who completely dislikes his two nephews. He evolves to a caring uncle who places the needs of his nephew above his own.
What he wants: absolutely no accountability to anyone.
What he needs: to take care of those around him, specifically his nephews.
Old trait: self centered, me first a-hole.
Changed to: caring and protective uncle.
Puck will grow from clingy and insecure to having confidence and a little swagger.
Sal will change from a sneaky wiseass to a valued confidant.
j. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats one sentence each)
Opening: while an extended family dines in their restaurant, a brother (Jack) is outside watching men struggle with the body bag they’re removing from a hearse. The body bag jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident: a local crime boss asks Jack for a favor: personally deliver a package for him and he won’t burn the family restaurant to the ground.
By page 10 you know what the movie is about: Jack agrees to make the long journey to save the family’s restaurant.
First turning point at the end of Act 1: Jack wakes up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute to find his two incorrigible preteen nephews pop up in the backseat.
Mid-point: Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma truck stop when he beats a trucker how had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle and never want to again.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2: In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money, is turned down by an old girlfriend he contacted and is shaken down by the FBI.
Crisis: When his nephews’ lives are in peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, Jack promises God he’ll change his ways – and tries to recant immediately when one of his nephews moves.
Climax: Jack delivers the package on time to the funeral home, but is separated from the boys. The boys trick their captor and come back to save their uncle – and Jack saves the day.
Resolution:
Jack and the boys take a red-eye to the east coast, pick up their mothers at JFK where Jack tries to explain the differences in his two nephews to their very wary mothers.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
JACK displays his natural flair in the kitchen as well as a dark side when he hides a wad of cash in a loaf of Italian bread he slices in one movement. He stashes the loaf on a shelf.
Radio – news report, key government witness has gone missing.
DINING ROOM
PUCK and SAL, preteen cousins, study a wall covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family bonds over food and drinks as they discuss a family reunion.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams – and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Carmine’s is empty. Jack grabs the loaf of cash and heads out the door.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A limo carrying a local crime boss is parked in the funeral home garage. The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Jack crossing the parking lot.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don questions Jack about what he saw and Jack denies seeing anything. The Don asks a favor, personally deliver a package for me and I won’t burn your restaurant to the ground. Jack agrees to make the trip.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
To get a glimpse of their personalities, Sal overhears Jack saying he’s making a trip to Atlantic City and sees his chance. He gets Puck to join him and they lie to their aunts about where they’re staying for the night.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack drives his Cadillac to the funeral home for modifications. The nephews dart across the parking lot chasing their uncle.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then closing the lid – Puck goes bonkers and wants a piece of Sal.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
OFFICE
Jack bangs the boys’ heads together and they complain. Aunt Cat, Jack’s sister, grabs a tablet from an aspirin bottle in Jack’s desk. It’s not aspirin.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
As two 5-gallon ice cream containers are loaded in the cooler in the Cadillac’s trunk, two drowsy cousins slip into the backseat and hide under the thermal blanket.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman and takes off never realizing the now passed out nephews are in the car.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat refuses to give him any info – the man gets disgusted and leaves.
JACK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Cat quizzes Jack why the Atlantic City picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac. Jack laughs.
SUPER: 1986
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and is utterly surprised when the two boys pop up in the back seat. Puck and Sal are also very surprised – they expected to be in Atlantic City.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his friends, Lincoln Clogs, LC, from Terra Haute and asks if he can keep the boys busy until he can figure out what he’s going to do with them. Jack’s not happy.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him – they have to be separated.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack, Puck and Sal wave goodbye to LC and everyone as their journey begins. LC looks around and asks who took his tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Five minutes into the trip the boys fight, they’re hungry and they have to go to the bathroom. Jack yells at them.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot as he watches Jack’s Caddy.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys question their uncle about the restaurant, what family means to Uncle Jack, etc. The boys are fine for just a short while before they start fighting again – Jack’s had enough.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack puts a little something in the boys’ drinks – he drugs them – to help them sleep.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT, TRUCK STOP BATHROON – NIGHT
Sal leans on the stall Puck occupies – Puck doesn’t feel good. A trucker comes in, makes a comment and pushes Sal out of the way.
EXT. TRUCK STOP – NIGHT
Jack intently watches a box truck exit the parking lot. Sal runs up to his uncle and drags him inside.
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Sal watches in awe as Jack beats the trucker who had Puck trapped. Crisis averted, but Puck is traumatized. Sal is now wary of his uncle.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
They ride in silence before Puck and Sal reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack has one nephew sit up front at a time. He teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal even though his uncle called him out for being a sneaky little shit.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Puck’s turn – Jack gives him a pep talk. He learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy. Both boys enjoy playing ‘Uncle Jack’ games.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. A van follows the Cadillac.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. A van parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys while they look around their hotel.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games. Puck and Sal are pumped and Jack’s pissed off.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Puck and Sal offer their winnings to their uncle to make him feel better. Jack actually relaxes with his nephews. He plans a special treat for them, but it’s interrupted by the FBI.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
While his nephews hide in the closet, Jack’s taunted by two FBI guys. They brag about the money they made from Don Vito. And now they shake Jack down to help them squeeze even more money from the Don.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Finally alone, Jack and the boys sit down and devise a plan how to evade the FBI duo, get a few bucks for the ride and ice for the cooler. The boys follow every word their uncle says.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack, Puck and Sal watch the FBI takes off on a wild goose chase after the wrong Cadillac. They sneak out going in an opposite direction. A flatbed tow truck follows.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys get into a heated conversation and Puck pinpoints the reason/event for Jack’s hard feelings. They begin to argue vehemently.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon dioxide top seep into the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road. There’s potential danger just ahead.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Driver explains LC sent him to watch over Jack and the boys for the trip. Both men pull out the still unconscious Sal and Puck.
Crisis:
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Jack pleads to God that if he saves his nephews, he’ll turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
Driver loads the dented Caddy on the flatbed and covers it with a tarp.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Sal tries whatever can to help his cousin, Puck – he’s worried. Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack smiles when he hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
The flatbed tow truck pulls in with a few minutes to spare.
Climax:
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Jack gathers the ice cream containers from the cooler and hands it to the Don’s men, they carry them inside. The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room. The contents from the ice cream containers are revealed – body parts of the key government witness from the radio broadcast.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever. Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito. Puck explains his definition of family to Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, lots of yelling ensues. Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered hovers overhead while LAPD swarm the grounds. Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a tape with their Las Vegas confession.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver and Jack’s Cadillac which remains on the flatbed.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them. Sal kisses his mom – something he’s never done. Puck gives him mom a little extra squeeze – something he’s never done.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Jack finds a crowd around him when he finishes the story.
In comes Puck and Sal and their wives. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
There’s a large banner over a stage noting it’s the 30+ year of the family reunion and everyone celebrates. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group, customers are there. A Vegas act performs on stage.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out and start picking up the trash – something they promised never to do. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys.
FADE OUT:
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I’m looking for an exchange for my essence outline. I’m happy to trade critiques with anyone, please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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Requesting Feedback on Essence Outline
Budinscak – Get to the Essence
a. Concept:
In 1986, a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to deliver a package for a local crime boss, and in exchange the crime boss promises to not burn the family restaurant to the ground.
b. Plot Choice:
Adventure. This is a road trip.
c. Character Structure
Buddy movie
d. Lead Characters
My protagonist is Jack, he’s the uncle of the two nephews and the person who is responsible for delivering a package.
My antagonist1 is Puck, a nephew who is book smart, clingy and honest to a fault who challenges Jack every turn.
My antagonist2 is Sal, a nephew who is street smart, a wiseass and he’s sneaky. He’s a little too like Jack for Jack to trust.
Antagonist is defined as the one who changes the protagonist from his current state and not the person who prevents him from achieving his goal.
Supporting Character – Don Vito who is a local crime boss who sends Jack on his journey. Antagonist in the sense of preventing Jack from accomplishing his goal, but Don Vito is not a main character.
e. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant by delivering the package on time?
f. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
g. Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
h. Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
i: Character Arc of Lead Character:
Jack is completely self-centered, me first me only a-hole type of a guy who completely dislikes his two nephews. He evolves to a caring uncle who places the needs of his nephew above his own.
What he wants: absolutely no accountability to anyone.
What he needs: to take care of those around him, specifically his nephews.
Old trait: self centered, me first a-hole
Changed to: caring and protective uncle.
j. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats one sentence each)
Opening: while an extended family dines in their restaurant, a brother (Jack) is outside watching men struggle as the body bag they’re removing from a hearse jerks around violently.
Inciting Incident: Jack is presented with two options: personally deliver a package for a local crime boss or allow the family restaurant to be burned to the ground.
By page 10 you know what the movie is about: Jack agrees to make the long journey to save the family’s restaurant, but he’s unaware his two nephews will tag along for the trip.
First turning point at the end of Act 1: Jack wakes up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute and the two boys pop up in the backseat.
Mid-point: Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma truck stop when he beats a trucker how had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle and never want to again.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2: In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money, is turned down by an old girlfriend he contacted and is shaken down by the FBI.
Crisis: When his nephews’ lives are in peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, Jack promises God he’ll change his ways – and tries to recant immediately when one of his nephews moves.
Climax: Jack delivers the package on time to the funeral home, but is separated from the boys. The boys trick their captor and come back to save their uncle – and Jack saves the day.
Resolution:
Jack and the boys take a red-eye to the east coast, pick up their mothers at JFK and Jack explains the difference in his two nephews to their very wary mothers.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
A large wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters.
KITCHEN
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family bonds over food and drink. They discuss getting everyone together for a family celebration – a RE-union.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
After hours, a limo carrying a local crime boss drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home.
The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don’s favor – personally deliver a package for me so I don’t have to burn your restaurant to the ground.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call to confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning – absolutely.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
DINING ROOM
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
OFFICE
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat, Jack’s sister, refuses to give him any info – the man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Puck and Cat, his aunt, point to a picture on the wall and discuss the Atlantic City trip and why the picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to Don Vito.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly – and the boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to. When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
WAITRESS STATION
The waitress smiles warmly when she recalls Jack, Puck and Sal, and she brags about her special tip. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack mixes up a concoction to put one nephew to sleep. Now which one?
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drugs Sal, Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its doppelganger, only this one is perfectly clean and filled with a mean old couple.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights of the ornate lobby.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his scruffy nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack learns the boys have never seen a naked woman and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet as the escort drops her dress – there’s a knock at the door.
The FBI barges in and the woman flees. Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses and salutes his nephews’ first shots of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy. Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon monoxide top enter the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull the unconscious boys from the Cadillac. Puck clutches his backpack.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack’s dented Cadillac sits on the flatbed covered with a tarp when they take off. While Puck is still unconscious, Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack turns the tape recorder on and hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck that Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home. Asked how he knows, Jack confesses to driving a Yellow Taxi Cab in LA back in the day.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal pulled the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, he screwed them over. Lots of yelling ensues.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now, we gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess – I got it says Jack.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys and they’re there to pick up the trash/clean up a mess.
FADE OUT:
-
Budinscak 10th Pass – Essence Only
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I found it tougher identifying the emotional aspects of a scene as opposed to the scene’s main action.
o When I include all my scenes, it easily exceeds the requested 4-6 page essence outline.
o I hope my critique partner doesn’t mind a little extra reading.
Logline:
In 1986, a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from destruction.
Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant by delivering the package on time?
Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
A large wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters.
KITCHEN
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family bonds over food and drink. They discuss getting everyone together for a family celebration – a RE-union.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
After hours, a limo carrying a local crime boss drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home.
The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don’s favor – personally deliver a package for me so I don’t have to burn your restaurant to the ground.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call to confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning – absolutely.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
DINING ROOM
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
OFFICE
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat, Jack’s sister, refuses to give him any info – the man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Puck and Cat, his aunt, point to a picture on the wall and discuss the Atlantic City trip and why the picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to Don Vito.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly – and the boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to. When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
WAITRESS STATION
The waitress smiles warmly when she recalls Jack, Puck and Sal, and she brags about her special tip. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack mixes up a concoction to put one nephew to sleep. Now which one?
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drugs Sal, Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its doppelganger, only this one is perfectly clean and filled with a mean old couple.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights of the ornate lobby.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his scruffy nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack learns the boys have never seen a naked woman and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet as the escort drops her dress – there’s a knock at the door.
The FBI barges in and the woman flees. Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses and salutes his nephews’ first shots of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy. Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon monoxide top enter the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull the unconscious boys from the Cadillac. Puck clutches his backpack.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack’s dented Cadillac sits on the flatbed covered with a tarp when they take off. While Puck is still unconscious, Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack turns the tape recorder on and hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck that Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home. Asked how he knows, Jack confesses to driving a Yellow Taxi Cab in LA back in the day.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal pulled the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, he screwed them over. Lots of yelling ensues.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now, we gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess – I got it says Jack.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys and they’re there to pick up the trash/clean up a mess.
FADE OUT:
-
Here’s my request for a partner in the essence outline exchange.
Budinscak 10th Pass – Essence Only
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I found it tougher identifying the emotional aspects of a scene as opposed to the scene’s main action.
o When I include all my scenes, it easily exceeds the requested 4-6 page essence outline.
o I hope my critique partner doesn’t mind a little extra reading.
Logline:
In 1986, a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from destruction.
Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant by delivering the package on time?
Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
A large wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters.
KITCHEN
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family bonds over food and drink. They discuss getting everyone together for a family celebration – a RE-union.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
After hours, a limo carrying a local crime boss drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home.
The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don’s favor – personally deliver a package for me so I don’t have to burn your restaurant to the ground.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call to confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning – absolutely.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
DINING ROOM
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
OFFICE
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat, Jack’s sister, refuses to give him any info – the man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Puck and Cat, his aunt, point to a picture on the wall and discuss the Atlantic City trip and why the picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to Don Vito.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly – and the boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to. When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
WAITRESS STATION
The waitress smiles warmly when she recalls Jack, Puck and Sal, and she brags about her special tip. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack mixes up a concoction to put one nephew to sleep. Now which one?
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drugs Sal, Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its doppelganger, only this one is perfectly clean and filled with a mean old couple.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights of the ornate lobby.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his scruffy nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack learns the boys have never seen a naked woman and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet as the escort drops her dress – there’s a knock at the door.
The FBI barges in and the woman flees. Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses and salutes his nephews’ first shots of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy. Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon monoxide top enter the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull the unconscious boys from the Cadillac. Puck clutches his backpack.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack’s dented Cadillac sits on the flatbed covered with a tarp when they take off. While Puck is still unconscious, Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack turns the tape recorder on and hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck that Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home. Asked how he knows, Jack confesses to driving a Yellow Taxi Cab in LA back in the day.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal pulled the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, he screwed them over. Lots of yelling ensues.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now, we gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess – I got it says Jack.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys and they’re there to pick up the trash/clean up a mess.
FADE OUT:
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Budinscak 9th Pass – Flags Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Reading the outline backwards – scene by scene, word by word – was very useful. I will do this every time.
o The Necessary Questions are a great basis for identifying problems with the script and/or outline.
o This process has tightened up the story, but there’s still work that needs to be done. Fun process.
1. The scenes I flagged were primarily issues with timing and gaps during the trip to Burbank. There’s much ground to cover going cross-country – pun intended – and I tried to be creative with the car scenarios in between the location scenes. Some setups and payoffs were fine tuned.
2. Scenes flagged to improve – I embellished on the location scenes. I changed the introduction of a supporting character as a setup for a flash-forward to present time. To me, a nice segue to pique the reader’s interest and letting them know there’s more to the story.
3. Current Outline:
Opening:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters. The far wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years.
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
As he takes out the trash, Jack watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – and steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The back door opens, Jack slides a saucer of milk outside.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family eats, drinks and talks about their family – maybe evening having a celebration, a family reunion.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A limo drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, emerges from the back seat.
The men from the hearse approach the Don and motion to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don asks Jack to deliver a package for his granddaughter’s gelato competition and it’ll take him where there are new casinos.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call and confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning. Yes.
They ask how the new business idea is working? Jack proudly turns to a fax machine printing out lunch orders.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, the FH Director is called away by his son. “Don’t touch anything”. Puck follows directions, Sal does not. Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
Later, Jack meets with his large male friend, CHICK, who brings party favors – drugs – for Jack’s trip. Jack shares his thoughts about his nephews and Puck’s obsession with his backpack.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. “Is the owner here?” Cat, “You mean Joe?” “Yeah” “That’s not the owner’s name?” The man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
PRESENT TIME PUCK AND CAT POINT TO A PICTURE ON THE WALL AND CAT ASKS ABOUT THE ATLANTIC CITY TRIP. “HOW OLD WERE YOU?” “A LOT OLDER THAN WHEN WE STARTED” “JACK NEVER TALKED ABOUT THAT TRIP.” PUCK – “YOU DON’T KNOW, DO YOU?”
Back to 1986
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun and Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to DV.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly. The boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. A man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot. A box truck idles nearby.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again. The headlights remain a constant distance regardless if Jack speeds up or slows down. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
After they leave, the waitress brags about her special tip – she smiles warmly recalling Jack, Puck and Sal. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack’s angry and the boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack drugs the nephews one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
They settle in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel entrance.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck drives and learns about family.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view of Las Vegas comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its perfectly clean doppelganger, with the mean old occupants.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – and dressed just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus for the kids.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino, the boys thrive.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack finds out the boys have never seen a woman naked and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet. The escort drops her dress when there’s a knock at the door – the FBI.
The woman flees as Jack and shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses. Jack salutes his nephews first shot of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy while Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice. He loads it in the cooler in the trunk.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak lets carbon monoxide enter the Cadillac’s interior.
Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI check the license plates before they overtake the Cadillac. They find an elderly couple driving – it’s the wrong Cadillac.
The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field. They claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull Puck and Sal from the Cadillac. Neither boy responds.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack, the boys and the driver take off with Jack’s dented Cadillac on the flatbed and covered with a tarp. Puck is still knocked out.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck the Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks
Hollywood sign
Hippies and disco queens alike
Whiskey a Go Go
Bob’s Big Boy
Jack gives Driver directions. Jack was a Yellow Cab driver in LA in a previous life.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed town truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck pulls the same trick that Sal pulled on him earlier. They bet the MAN he can’t fit in the casket … he does fit, and the boys close and lock him inside. They take his gun.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and everyone turns to him. He gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in – and we find out they were in cahoots with Don Vito, but he screwed them over. Lots of yelling and accusations flying about.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps/loads his shotgun. Everyone stops.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. They open to find Don Vito, his henchmen and the FBI guys. On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s a recording of the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now. Gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate.
Jet leaves LAX
Jet lands at JFK
Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SPRING FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess, Jack’s got it.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. One guy picks up a paper bag, pulls out a wad of cash and starts counting.
Jack walks out of the shadows, ‘just like old times.’ The cleaning crew is the two disgraced FBI guys. They start picking up the trash, something the repeatedly said they would never do.
FADE OUT:
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Budinscak 8th Pass – Cliché Busting
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Interesting concept. I did not identify many scenes due it’s based in 1986 and there’s repetitious road scenes in-between locations.
o I have two other stories where this concept will provide a lot of creative help.
o There is one thing I found confusing. We’re looking at scenes which are cliché, yet the options provided had a whole new spin on the characters, different profiles …. But I guess that’s the point. Identify issues now and fix it at the outline stage.
o I find it difficult to not add dialog to the current outline structure.
1. I went through the script outline and identified the cliche scenes. Please note, 99% of the movie is based in the year 1986 there’s a uniqueness to it, and this road trip movie has the characters driving cross-country – lots of in-car/on-the-road scenes between location scenes.
2. Casino Scene, Hotel Room Scene, Cadillac Scenes.
CHOSEN SCENE: Casino Scene
3. Purpose
PURPOSE: After the FBI takes what he didn’t lose at the casino tables, Jack’s flat broke – he has nothing. Looking for an opportunity to make quick money, the more the better.
4. Brainstorm 5 to 25 other ways to accomplish the same purpose.
a. Jack watches ‘winners’ come out of the casinos, then has Puck and Sal bump into them scattering chips. The boys grab chips and head off in opposite directions as Jack comes over to help the man.
b. Jack knows a very high-end nuptial is scheduled this evening. As the band introduces “for the first time, Mr. and Mrs ….” Sal runs up to the gift table and turns, Puck’s in mid-flight before he tackles Sal. They crash into the gift table and knock everything over. Jack runs up and keeps the boys apart and drags them away. The three go through the envelops they stole and keep the cash.
c. Jack ‘sells’ his Cadillac for cash. Actually, it’s not Jack’s Cadillac, but his doppelganger.
d. Jack brings the boys back to Circus Circus. While the kids have fun upstairs in the children’s area, Jack takes vengeance on the blackjack table from yesterday.
e. Jack makes Sal and Puck pay their own way by making them ‘shoeshine boys’. He splits whatever money the boys make with the shoeshine attendant, who takes a break and offers his consulting opinion.
f. Jack has Sal ‘lead’ the scam about his hurt brother. Sal would start crying when a woman or couple walked by, and he’d tug on them until he brought them to his injured brother, Puck. Can you give us a ride … or just two dollars for a cab ride.
g. Jack undercuts the parking lot attendant and has the two nephews direct traffic to Jack’s area in the parking lot.
5. Use the three criteria to make your selection.
I’m using the nuptial scene. Jack and the boys working together to overcome their momentary monetary setback.
a. Does it fulfill the purpose/meaning that is important to me? Yes. It’s something they do for quick cash – a bit of scam, and it’s all Jack.
b. Is it a significant departure from the cliché scene? Not really. I’m in Las Vegas, and didn’t want to go back in the casino. Thought I’d take advantage of duping some big rollers.
c. Does it accomplish the purpose in a fresh and surprising way that will entertain audiences? Yes, I believe it will.
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Budinscak 7th Pass – Setups/Payoff Chains
What I learned doing this assignment:
o This is a nice way to dig into a component of the story and understand its impact – setup, payoff.
o Strange, but I find a few of my subplots are setups and payoffs.
o If the story’s building blocks are in place, we can freelance a little.
o I’ve noticed I’m using dialog to convey some of the setups and payoffs – adding flesh to the bones.
SP CHAIN 1:
Setup: Puck always wears his backpack or it’s within reach.
Payoff 1: Jack makes a reference as to why Puck’s the way he is – humorous reference to his buddy and they laugh at Puck.
Payoff 2: Things go missing when Puck’s around. The Statue of Liberty thermometer is missing from Carmine’s. In Terre Haute, LC can’t find his tape recorder.
Payoff 3: After Jack tells his nephews to treat women right, the statue of liberty shows up as part of the tip to the HOJ Truck Stop waitress. She mentions getting something special, but we don’t see the statue of liberty until much latter.
Payoff 4: When the FBI harasses Jack, the lead guy gloats about his deal with the Don on the witness and now they want more $$. Hey Jack, no one’s gonna believe you over us. You ain’t wearing that wire yet, don’t play us, Jack
Payoff 5: After the final showdown at the Burbank funeral home, the LAPD stumbles upon all the ‘bad guys’ trapped in caskets in the casket display room. On top of the lead FBI casket is LC’s tape recorder with a note that says, “Jack says play us”.
SP CHAIN 2:
Setup: In the funeral home in Geeville, Sal bets, and tricks, Puck he couldn’t fit in a casket. Puck bets he can, but once inside – he can’t get out.
Payoff 1: During the final confrontation in Burbank funeral home, on of Don Vito’s large men escort Sal and Puck through the casket display area. Puck turns to Sal and says he bets that the big lug guarding them can’t fit in a casket. Sal picks up on it immediately and they go back and forth enough that the henchman gets in the casket to prove he can. He pulls out his gun, looks at Sal, thinks better of it and gives his gun to Puck. The boys turn the sealing key locking the lackey in the casket.
SP CHAIN 3:
Setup: From the wall of pictures in Carmine’s, there’s a question about a particular picture from the 1980’s – that’s a Lincoln Continental, where’s Jack’s Cadillac?
Payoff 1: That picture unravels the true story about the boys’ trip with their uncle.
Payoff 2: That picture catapults us from 1986 to the present – and the resolution of our story. All pictures are updated, all relatives have aged and come to find out, we’re hear for a party, a family RE-union.
SP CHAIN 4:
Setup: FBI sold info to Don Vito – and the FBI wants more $$. They want to use Jack for leverage with the Don.
Payoff 1: The FBI uses their position for personal gain and they’re arrogant gloaters – “we don’t pick up trash”.
Payoff 2: When the shake down Jack in Las Vegas, they confess to their deal with Don Vito, they think they can get more and want to use Jack to secure it. “Who’s going to believe you? That wire isn’t live yet.”
Payoff 3: Puck recorded the FBI confession and plays it back to Uncle Jack. He leaves the tape for the LAPD – and it’s on top of the casket with the lead FBI guy in it.
Payoff 4: The very end of the movie, after the RE-union party, a clean up crew comes in – it’s the disgraced FBI team, and “they pick up trash”.
SP CHAIN 5:
Setup: Don Vito’s callous regard for Jack and the family restaurant, Carmine’s.
Payoff 1: The Don asks Jack a favor, deliver a package for him. Tell your family you’re doing me a favor. Or tell them you’re saving the restaurant. Both are true.
Payoff 2: Don Vito has asked Jack to keep in touch during the trip, during numerous phone conversations, Don Vito alludes to changes at Carmine’s, stating he’ll change the name to Jack’s Place.
Payoff 3: Jack’s conflicted when the FBI wants him to rat on Don Vito, but he won’t go back on his word.
Payoff 4: After the boys rescue Jack, he shuts the lid on the Don figuratively and literally in the casket display room.
Payoff 5: Final reveal, the old funeral home across the parking lot from Carmine’s is now called Jack’s Place.
2. Select a setup/payoff you want to make stronger.
How can you make the setup more interesting and effective? How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful?
2. & 3. The setup/payoff I selected was the #5. For the setup, I’ve changed to tone of the scene from ‘you’re gonna do this or…’ to ‘do me a favor, Jack’ it’s softened the scene, but not the sense of urgency. And Don Vito turns up the volume on urgency later. For the payoff, the two nephews actively help their Uncle Jack still saves the day, and show their growth from the beginning of the movie. Puck’s got some street smarts and Sal’s not as big a sneaky little shit.
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters. The far wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years.
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his contempt for the two boys.
Tom points at a picture with Jack, Puck and Sal all smiles in front of Jack’s Cadillac. “This why you can’t stand them? The bank ride?” Jack “Yup”.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
As he takes out the trash, Jack watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – and steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The back door opens, Jack slides a saucer of milk outside. “Sorry, Rusty.”
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family eats, drinks and talks about their family – maybe evening having a celebration, a family reunion.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A limo drives past the dark Carmine’s and empty parking lot to an open garage bay at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, emerges from the back seat. The men who pulled the jumping body bag from the hearse approach the Don and motion to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don asks Jack to deliver a package for his granddaughter and it’ll take him where there are new casinos. Jack gleefully says yes.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call and confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning. Yes, I’ll already be there. DV ask me for a favor.
They ask if Jack’s new business idea is drumming up business? Jack proudly turns to a fax machine printing out lunch orders.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
Later, Jack meets with his large male friend, CHICK, who brings party favors – drugs – for Jack’s trip. Jack shares his thoughts about his nephews and Puck’s obsession with his backpack.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor of the Caddy.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Unknown to Jack’s sisters working at Carmine’s, the lead FBI guy comes in and asks for Jack. “Where’s the owner?” Cat, “You mean Joe?” “Yeah” “That’s not the owner’s name?” PUCK VO, “He’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
PRESENT TIME PUCK AND CAT POINT TO A PICTURE ON THE WALL AND CAT ASKS ABOUT THE ATLANTIC CITY TRIP. “HOW OLD WERE YOU?” “A LOT OLDER THAN WHEN WE STARTED” “JACK NEVER TALKED ABOUT THAT TRIP.” PUCK – “DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL STORY?”
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck and Sal race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun and Sal makes fun of him.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. Jack pulls into the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress and Jack will have none of it. The boys flinch noticeably when Jack’s eyes narrow. After they leave, the waitress brags about her special tip – she smiles warmly recalling Jack, Puck and Sal. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack’s angry and the boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack drugs the nephews one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
They settle in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck drives and learns about family.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view of Las Vegas comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – and dressed just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus for the kids.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino, the boys thrive.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack finds out the boys have never seen a naked woman before and orders one from the hotel. She’s there for only 1 minute when there’s a knock at the door – the FBI. The woman flees as Jack is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
The lead FBI agent gloats about the money they made from a deal with Don Vito – and with Jack’s help, they’ll get more. They tell Jack, “no one will believe you, and that wire isn’t live yet.” “We don’t pick up trash” “Jack, don’t play us.”
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy while Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice. He loads it in the cooler in the trunk.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito asks Jack is he knows why they call him the Weatherman? Jack does not. Don Vito explains that it’s due to his uncanny ability to know where and when lightning will strike and that lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
Puck, “You haven’t liked Sal and I since the bank ride.” FLASHBACK – making a deposit.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak lets carbon monoxide enter the Cadillac’s interior.
Puck and Sal drop off to sleep.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI check the license plates before they overtake the Cadillac. They find an elderly couple driving – it’s the wrong Cadillac.
The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field. They claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull Puck and Sal from the Cadillac. Neither boy responds.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack screams and pleads to God to save Puck and Sal from carbon monoxide poisoning. In return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but doesn’t do it.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack, the boys and the driver take off with Jack’s dented Cadillac on the flatbed and covered with a tarp. Puck is still knocked out.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck the Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
There are a few MEN roaming around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck pulls the same trick that Sal pulled on him earlier. They bet the MAN he couldn’t fit in the casket … he does fit, and the boys close and lock him inside. They take his gun.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and everyone turns to him. He gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in – and we find out they were in cahoots with Don Vito, but he screwed them over. Lots of yelling and accusations flying about.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps/loads his shotgun. Everyone stops.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. They open to find Don Vito, his henchmen and the FBI guys. On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.”
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now. Gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate.
Jet leaves LAX
Jet lands at JFK
Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SPRING FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip to swim in the ocean.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun, from LC and his group. Jules performs as he did in Vegas and Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored. Everyone’s in party mode.
Jack toasts everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like he and the boys did in Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone asks who’s going to clean this mess, Jack says he’s got it.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack just looks in the camera and smiles.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. One guy picks up a paper bag and pulls out a wad of cash.
Jack walks out of the shadows, ‘just like old times.’ The cleaning crew is the two disgraced FBI guys. They start picking up the trash, something the repeatedly said they would never do.
THE END
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Budinscak 6th Pass – Subplots with Meaning
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Too many subplots may ruin a script.
o Subplots add emotion and deeper meaning to a story, and never forget it’s about the main character.
o I’ve examined my subplots and cut two out.
Subplots:
1. Identify the subplots that have naturally emerged in your story and tell us the beginning, middle, and end of each.
Puck is a kleptomaniac and hides everything in his backpack.
Beginning: Puck swipes the Statue of Liberty thermometer from the restaurant. No one knows who took it. Puck also steals a tape recorder from LC
Middle: The Statue of Liberty is left for the waitress at the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
End: Puck records FBI ‘confession’ in Las Vegas hotel and plays it/leaves it for the LAPD in Burbank.
Sal and Puck and the Casket
Beginning: Sal says he doesn’t think Puck could fit in a casket and Puck accepts the challenge. Puck freaks when the lid is closed and he can’t get out.
Middle: Sal tries to trick Puck for the rest of the story and almost catches him, but doesn’t. Puck wises up.
End: As Puck and Sal are being escorted through the Casket Display room in the Burbank funeral home, Puck wonders if the big lug guarding them can fit in a casket. Sal picks up on it immediately and they go back and forth enough that the henchman gets in the casket to prove he can. He pulls out his gun, looks at Sal, thinks better of it and gives his gun to Puck.
Bringing the story to present
Beginning: There’s a question about a picture on the wall in the restaurant. Meet Puck in the present talking with CAT (one of his aunts) and he asks if she’d like to hear the real story about the Atlantic City trip.
Middle: Again pop into the present when Puck reveals that one guy was involved with the FBI
End: After a picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal in front of the Lincoln Continental, flash to present time for the finale.
Puck and Sal and the gun
Beginning: When the boys wake up at the picnic grounds in Terre Haute, they play a shooting game and Puck doesn’t know how to handle a gun – Sal laughs at him. One of LC’s guys show him how to use it.
Middle: At Circus Circus, Puck wins at the game shooting a water pistol into a clown’s mouth.
End: Puck cocks the henchman’s revolver in the Burbank funeral home freeing Uncle Jack.
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters. The far wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
As he takes out the trash, Jack watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
A limo pulls into an open garage bay at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, emerges from the back seat. He motions and two large lackeys head over to the restaurant to invite Jack to the funeral home.
Inciting Incident:
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Don Vito watches Jack cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, he answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don asks Jack to deliver a package for his granddaughter and it’ll take him where there are new casinos. Jack gleefully says yes.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank and deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor of the Caddy.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. Jack pulls into the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack’s angry and the boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack drugs the nephews one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
They settle in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck drives and learns about family.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view of Las Vegas comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – and dressed just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus for the kids.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino, the boys thrive.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack finds out the boys have never seen a naked woman before and orders one from the hotel. She’s there for only 1 minute when there’s a knock at the door – the FBI. The woman flees as Jack is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy while Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice. He loads it in the cooler in the trunk.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito asks Jack is he knows why they call him the Weatherman? Jack does not. Don Vito explains that it’s due to his uncanny ability to know where and when lightning will strike and that lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak lets carbon monoxide enter the Cadillac’s interior.
Puck and Sal drop off to sleep.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI check the license plates before they overtake the Cadillac. They find an elderly couple driving – it’s the wrong Cadillac.
The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field. They claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull Puck and Sal from the Cadillac. Neither boy responds.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack screams and pleads to God to save Puck and Sal from carbon monoxide poisoning. In return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but doesn’t do it.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack, the boys and the driver take off with Jack’s dented Cadillac on the flatbed and covered with a tarp. Puck is still knocked out.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck the Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
There are a few MEN roaming around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck pulls the same trick that Sal pulled on him earlier. They bet the MAN he couldn’t fit in the casket … he does fit, and the boys close and lock him inside. They take his gun.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and everyone turns to him. He gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in – and we find out they were in cahoots with Don Vito, but he screwed them over. Lots of yelling and accusations flying about.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps/loads his shotgun. Everyone stops.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. They open to find Don Vito, his henchmen and the FBI guys.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now. Gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate.
Jet leaves LAX
Jet lands at JFK
Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SPRING FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip to swim in the ocean.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Steak Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun, from LC and his group. Jules performs as he did in Vegas and Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored. Everyone’s in party mode.
Jack toasts everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like he and the boys did in Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone asks who’s going to clean this mess, Jack says he’s got it.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack just looks in the camera and smiles.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. One guy picks up a paper bag and pulls out a wad of cash.
Jack walks out of the shadows, ‘just like old times.’ The cleaning crew is the two disgraced FBI guys. They start picking up the trash, something the repeatedly said they would never do.
THE END
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Budinscak 5th Pass – Action/Reaction
What I learned doing this assignment:
o My story is a work in progress, but I believe it’s getting there.
o This was a fun module and definitely ramped up the intensity of the conflict.
o Can’t imagine the time I’ve saved filling in this outline versus my ‘old way’ of just go ahead and write. Amazing.
o Puts what we’ve learned so far into perspective. Looking forward to tomorrow’s lesson.
1. Tell us the following.
– Concept: In 1986, a shady chef agrees to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA as a favor to a local crime boss, even though he doesn’t know the contents of the package or that his two pesky preteen nephews are stowaways and he’s completely unaware of the consequences if he doesn’t deliver the package by 2:00 Monday.
– Protagonist Goal: to continue living in his me only, me first lifestyle.
– Protagonist Character Arc:
What he wants – absolutely no accountability to anyone.
What he needs – to take care of those around him, specifically his nephews.
Old Trait – self-centered, me first a-hole.
Changed to – Caring and protective uncle.
– Main Conflict: How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids OR will the two nephews wear their uncle down during the trip?
2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story and list it.
Protagonist:
– From the Midpoint – Jack checks to be sure they’re not being followed.
– Comes back in restaurant, Sal says Puck’s in trouble and leads Uncle Jack to the bathroom
– Jack beats up a Trucker threatening Puck – scares the boys
– Jack has to deal with the boys being traumatized
– Argument comes to a head in the car, the boys worry Jack will beat them – they cry.
– Jack worries about ice, pulls over. Watches for anyone tailing them.
– Sleep in parking lot in Las Vegas
– Check into hotel, can’t go to casino because the boys are well, too youmng …. They’re boys
– Go to Circus Circus, Jack loses all his money
– The girl he had plans with in Vegas has no interest ‘babysitting’ the nephews – she leaves.
– Jack hires a girl from downstairs – she comes in and the FBI storms in. Girl leaves.
– FBI shakes Jack down. Make him their informant and take the rest of his cash.
– Next morning, has to sneak out of hotel – has nephews swap license plate with an identical Cadillac
– Can’t find regular ice, has to settle for dry ice
– Calls Don Vito to say he may be late, the Don explains why he’s called the Weatherman – he can predict when and where lightning will strike. If Jack’s late, at 2:01 it’s striking Carmine’s restaurant.
– Just outside Las Vegas, the boys want to ride horses – Jack yells ‘NO’.
– Dry ice leak creates carbon monoxide poisoning. Everyone in the Caddy passes out.
– Jack’s Cadillac is dented
– The boys look like they’re dead from CO poisoning. Jack pleads to God to save the boys
3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go through that will cause him or her to face the change they need to make:
From the Midpoint – Jack goes from steely-eyed watch for whoever may be tailing them
Jack becomes a beast when he beats up the Trucker – scares the hell out of the boys.
When the boys flinch in the Caddy’s back seat worried that Jack may hit them, it sends Jack into a tailspin.
Jack stops for ice, fills up the car, watches every car/truck that goes by.
Running low on funds, Jack and the boys sleep in a parking lot – Jack’s exhausted.
Jack prides himself on preparing the boys for a night out, then is crushed to find he can’t take them in the hotel casino.
Jack takes the boys to Circus Circus – NOT where he wants to gamble – angry
Jack loses all his money – even angrier
Argument with woman he had plans with – more angry
Shaken down by FBI – venomous anger
Has boys swap license plates with another Cadillac – pissed at himself for having to teach the boys to steal in this teachable moment.
Complete shock and with a sense of urgency is how Jack is defined when he tells Don Vito he may be a little late.
Yells at his nephews when they asked about riding horses.
Pleads to God to save the boys from CO poisoning. Makes a promise to God he’ll have to keep.
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters. The far wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
As he takes out the trash, Jack watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
A limo pulls into an open garage bay at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, emerges from the back seat. He motions and two large lackeys head over to the restaurant to invite Jack to the funeral home.
Inciting Incident:
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Don Vito watches Jack cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, he answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don asks Jack to deliver a package for his granddaughter and it’ll take him where there are new casinos. Jack gleefully says yes.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank and deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor of the Caddy.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. Jack pulls into the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack’s angry and the boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack drugs the nephews one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
They settle in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck drives and learns about family.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view of Las Vegas comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – and dressed just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus for the kids.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino, the boys thrive.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack finds out the boys have never seen a naked woman before and orders one from the hotel. She’s there for only 1 minute when there’s a knock at the door – the FBI. The woman flees as Jack is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy while Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice. He loads it in the cooler in the trunk.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito asks Jack is he knows why they call him the Weatherman? Jack does not. Don Vito explains that it’s due to his uncanny ability to know where and when lightning will strike and that lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak lets carbon monoxide enter the Cadillac’s interior.
Puck and Sal drop off to sleep.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI check the license plates before they overtake the Cadillac. They find an elderly couple driving – it’s the wrong Cadillac.
The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field. They claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull Puck and Sal from the Cadillac. Neither boy responds.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack screams and pleads to God to save Puck and Sal from carbon monoxide poisoning. In return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but doesn’t do it.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack, the boys and the driver take off with Jack’s dented Cadillac on the flatbed and covered with a tarp. Puck is still knocked out.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck the Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
There are a few MEN roaming around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck pulls the same trick that Sal pulled on him earlier. They bet the MAN he couldn’t fit in the casket … he does fit, and the boys close and lock him inside. They take his gun.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and everyone turns to him. He gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in – and we find out they were in cahoots with Don Vito, but he screwed them over. Lots of yelling and accusations flying about.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps/loads his shotgun. Everyone stops.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. They open to find Don Vito, his henchmen and the FBI guys.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now. Gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate.
Jet leaves LAX
Jet lands at JFK
Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SPRING FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip to swim in the ocean.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Steak Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun, from LC and his group. Jules performs as he did in Vegas and Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored. Everyone’s in party mode.
Jack toasts everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like he and the boys did in Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone asks who’s going to clean this mess, Jack says he’s got it.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack just looks in the camera and smiles.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. One guy picks up a paper bag and pulls out a wad of cash.
Jack walks out of the shadows, ‘just like old times.’ The cleaning crew is the two disgraced FBI guys. They start picking up the trash, something the repeatedly said they would never do.
THE END
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Budinscak 4th Pass – NQ 3 and 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I’ve had to make a couple of key changes to fix it. It is MUCH easier to make those changes in an outline than your first or second or … draft.
o Feedback from the SLW review was very enlightening and made me focus on the tone of my story – it needs fixing throughout.
o I found it easier address the first 2 questions than these 2.
o My story is constantly changing.
Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.
1. Concept:
In 1986, a shady chef agrees to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA as a favor to a local crime boss, even though he doesn’t know the contents of the package or that his two pesky preteen nephews are stowaways and he’s completely unaware of the consequences if he doesn’t deliver the package by 2:00 Monday.
2. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to the fun he promised himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
a. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? It shows up in the very beginning of the story when Jack voices his utter dislike for his two nephews when hearing their names. His demeanor visibly changes when he sees the boys. Once he realizes he’s driving to Burbank, he makes plans with an old girlfriend. Jack’s shocked and becomes vocal at the end of the first act when he realizes the boys are in the Caddy in Terre Haute, IN.
b. How are both sides of the issue built up? Jack establishes his baseline animus early and he doesn’t soften in Terre Haute, nor St. Louis, but he does ease up a bit at the OK Truck Stop at the story’s Midpoint. There’s no fun for Jack and the boys are irritating the hell out of him.
c. When does the protagonist make the choice? When Jack and boys leave Las Vegas, they use dry ice instead of regular ice. The dry ice leaks causing carbon monoxide poisoning and everyone passes out in the Cadillac as it bounces along half on the shoulder of the road half on asphalt. The two nephews are still unconscious when the uncle pledges to God he’ll change if God saves the boys. Sal immediately moves and Jack tries to recant.
d. For just about the first time in his life, Jack did NOT do what he wanted to do. He put the needs of the boys first, his family second, the restaurant third and Jack fourth.
3. Theme:
Family is more than just relatives, it’s all those who step up whenever you need them, that’s family.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RELATED TO BE FAMILY.
a. What are both sides of your theme? Family can be related to you and not help. You don’t have to be related to be family.
b. How will both sides show up throughout your story? Sal and Puck quiz their uncle endlessly ‘what’s family’? Jack tells the boys the LC is family even though he’s not related. Jack explains it so the kids understand. There’s the other side of being related, but not really a part of the family based on the way someone acts or constantly questions you, bickers with you. Throughout the story, the kids will question Jack, he’ll answer and it will be accepted.
c. How does the Climax of the story demand your message? Jack, Sal and Puck get help from those they’ve met along the way to get them out of the situation they’re in at the Climax. And those people have been defined as family according to Jack. Also, Jack’s friend LC steps up in a big way to help. Also, the criminal family kind of looks out for one another and they don’t function very well as a team, the nephews exploit that in the Climax.
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
Inside the restaurant, an extended family dines while chatting on a ‘speaker phone’ with two sisters who want Jack to pick them up at JFK in NYC on Tuesday. The two sisters are the mothers of Puck and Sal., and Jack agrees to pick them up.
Later, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
The next morning, a limo pulls into an open garage door at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, makes a phone call from the funeral home inquiring about the availability of a cleaning service. He’s told Monday at 2:00 PM is the first open slot – and he takes it. The Don sends two goons to the restaurant to ‘invite’ Jack to the funeral home – it’s the Don’s brother’s business.
Inciting Incident:
At the meeting, Don Vito hints that he’s pretty sure Jack knows more than he’s letting on about what he saw, but Jack denies everything. Don Vito tries another tact, he asks Jack for a favor – he needs him to deliver a package for his granddaughter and it’ll take him where there are new casinos. Jack says yes.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Prior to this turning point, Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line. He doesn’t realize that they snuck in the back seat of his Caddy and they’re fast asleep under a blanket lying on the floor of the car.
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, in Terra Haute. Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack and the boys leave and Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip with these two nephews is going to go – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble. They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Instead, they pick up a tail – a box truck follows the Cadillac. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
Jack pulls into a rest area and buys snacks for the boys – and ice for the cooler. To make time and to do it quietly, Jack drugs the two boys again. They sleep, he drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. When Sal and Puck wake in Oklahoma, Jack pulls into the Truck Stop.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Jack has a run-in with the boys and they reveal they’re now terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer, drugging them one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
He teaches Sal about one of his favorite recipes while letting him drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal. They settle in to a hotel in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room. A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
Next day, Sal sleeps, Jack and Puck bond a little. It’s nighttime when they come into view of Las Vegas – Jack’s enthralled and his enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. Hack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed. Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
The boys and Jack have a lot of fun in Vegas and the nephews have eye-opening first-time experiences they won’t forget. Jack had scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it – and Jack’s pissed off.
After nothing goes right for Jack, the FBI shakes him down.
The next morning, Jack has the boys transfer the license plates from a Caddy that looks just like theirs as he searches for ice for the cooler. He can’t find ice, he can only find dry ice. He puts it in the cooler in the trunk.
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito asks Jack is he knows why they call him the Weatherman? Jack does not. Don Vito explains that it’s due to his uncanny ability to know where and when lightning will strike and that lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
The FBI chase after the wrong Cadillac as Jack, Sal and Puck sneak out of the city. A flat bed tow truck follows – hands featuring the tats Love and Hate grip the steering wheel.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
As they leave Las Vegas, the dry ice leaks and makes its way into the back seat of the car. Right before they pass out, Sal and Puck ask their uncle if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor – Clint Eastwood. When Puck and Sal pass out – they dream they’re riding galloping stallions on the plains and Uncle Jack chases them on his horse. In reality, the Cadillac bounces all over the shoulder of the road and is cascading to an accident when the flat bed tow truck bangs into the Cadillac and saves Jack and the kids.
They load the Caddy on the flatbed and cover it with a tarp. They – Jack, Puck, Sal, and the Driver – head into Los Angeles.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
The FBI shows up – and they’re in cahoots with Don Vito. The local media shows up with LAPD and look like heroes.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Budinscak 4th Pass – NQ 3 and 4
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I’ve had to make a couple of key changes to fix it. It is MUCH easier to make those changes in an outline than your first or second or … draft.
o Feedback from the SLW review was very enlightening and made me focus on the tone of my story – it needs fixing throughout.
o I found it easier address the first 2 questions than these 2.
o My story is constantly changing.
Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.
1. Concept:
In 1986, a shady chef agrees to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA as a favor to a local crime boss, even though he doesn’t know the contents of the package or that his two pesky preteen nephews are stowaways and he’s completely unaware of the consequences if he doesn’t deliver the package by 2:00 Monday.
2. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to the fun he promised himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
a. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? It shows up in the very beginning of the story when Jack voices his utter dislike for his two nephews when hearing their names. His demeanor visibly changes when he sees the boys. Once he realizes he’s driving to Burbank, he makes plans with an old girlfriend. Jack’s shocked and becomes vocal at the end of the first act when he realizes the boys are in the Caddy in Terre Haute, IN.
b. How are both sides of the issue built up? Jack establishes his baseline animus early and he doesn’t soften in Terre Haute, nor St. Louis, but he does ease up a bit at the OK Truck Stop at the story’s Midpoint. There’s no fun for Jack and the boys are irritating the hell out of him.
c. When does the protagonist make the choice? When Jack and boys leave Las Vegas, they use dry ice instead of regular ice. The dry ice leaks causing carbon monoxide poisoning and everyone passes out in the Cadillac as it bounces along half on the shoulder of the road half on asphalt. The two nephews are still unconscious when the uncle pledges to God he’ll change if God saves the boys. Sal immediately moves and Jack tries to recant.
d. For just about the first time in his life, Jack did NOT do what he wanted to do. He put the needs of the boys first, his family second, the restaurant third and Jack fourth.
3. Theme:
Family is more than just relatives, it’s all those who step up whenever you need them, that’s family.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RELATED TO BE FAMILY.
a. What are both sides of your theme? Family can be related to you and not help. You don’t have to be related to be family.
b. How will both sides show up throughout your story? Sal and Puck quiz their uncle endlessly ‘what’s family’? Jack tells the boys the LC is family even though he’s not related. Jack explains it so the kids understand. There’s the other side of being related, but not really a part of the family based on the way someone acts or constantly questions you, bickers with you. Throughout the story, the kids will question Jack, he’ll answer and it will be accepted.
c. How does the Climax of the story demand your message? Jack, Sal and Puck get help from those they’ve met along the way to get them out of the situation they’re in at the Climax. And those people have been defined as family according to Jack. Also, Jack’s friend LC steps up in a big way to help. Also, the criminal family kind of looks out for one another and they don’t function very well as a team, the nephews exploit that in the Climax.
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
Inside the restaurant, an extended family dines while chatting on a ‘speaker phone’ with two sisters who want Jack to pick them up at JFK in NYC on Tuesday. The two sisters are the mothers of Puck and Sal., and Jack agrees to pick them up.
Later, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
The next morning, a limo pulls into an open garage door at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, makes a phone call from the funeral home inquiring about the availability of a cleaning service. He’s told Monday at 2:00 PM is the first open slot – and he takes it. The Don sends two goons to the restaurant to ‘invite’ Jack to the funeral home – it’s the Don’s brother’s business.
Inciting Incident:
At the meeting, Don Vito hints that he’s pretty sure Jack knows more than he’s letting on about what he saw, but Jack denies everything. Don Vito tries another tact, he asks Jack for a favor – he needs him to deliver a package for his granddaughter and it’ll take him where there are new casinos. Jack says yes.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Prior to this turning point, Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line. He doesn’t realize that they snuck in the back seat of his Caddy and they’re fast asleep under a blanket lying on the floor of the car.
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, in Terra Haute. Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack and the boys leave and Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip with these two nephews is going to go – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble. They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Instead, they pick up a tail – a box truck follows the Cadillac. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
Jack pulls into a rest area and buys snacks for the boys – and ice for the cooler. To make time and to do it quietly, Jack drugs the two boys again. They sleep, he drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. When Sal and Puck wake in Oklahoma, Jack pulls into the Truck Stop.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Jack has a run-in with the boys and they reveal they’re now terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer, drugging them one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
He teaches Sal about one of his favorite recipes while letting him drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal. They settle in to a hotel in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room. A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
Next day, Sal sleeps, Jack and Puck bond a little. It’s nighttime when they come into view of Las Vegas – Jack’s enthralled and his enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. Hack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed. Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
The boys and Jack have a lot of fun in Vegas and the nephews have eye-opening first-time experiences they won’t forget. Jack had scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it – and Jack’s pissed off.
After nothing goes right for Jack, the FBI shakes him down.
The next morning, Jack has the boys transfer the license plates from a Caddy that looks just like theirs as he searches for ice for the cooler. He can’t find ice, he can only find dry ice. He puts it in the cooler in the trunk.
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito asks Jack is he knows why they call him the Weatherman? Jack does not. Don Vito explains that it’s due to his uncanny ability to know where and when lightning will strike and that lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
The FBI chase after the wrong Cadillac as Jack, Sal and Puck sneak out of the city. A flat bed tow truck follows – hands featuring the tats Love and Hate grip the steering wheel.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
As they leave Las Vegas, the dry ice leaks and makes its way into the back seat of the car. Right before they pass out, Sal and Puck ask their uncle if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor – Clint Eastwood. When Puck and Sal pass out – they dream they’re riding galloping stallions on the plains and Uncle Jack chases them on his horse. In reality, the Cadillac bounces all over the shoulder of the road and is cascading to an accident when the flat bed tow truck bangs into the Cadillac and saves Jack and the kids.
They load the Caddy on the flatbed and cover it with a tarp. They – Jack, Puck, Sal, and the Driver – head into Los Angeles.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
The FBI shows up – and they’re in cahoots with Don Vito. The local media shows up with LAPD and look like heroes.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Budinscak 3rd Pass – NQ 1 and 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o The first two questions provide a reference tool to keep you focused on moving the story forward – and with no story detail at all.
o I still get mired in story detail, but I recognize it very quickly and stop.
o It points out what needs to be tightened up in the outline.
o Hard to express how vital the examples of “Unforgiven” have been in dissecting these lessons. I found them extremely helpful.
I’ve done my outline in Movie Magic screenwriting software and I’ve exported a copy of it as a .pdf file before posting. The pdf copy did not post well, chopping off many sentences. I apologize for the format errors and see if I fix it. Sorry ‘bout that.
Apply the first two questions to your outline.
1. Concept:
In 1986, a conniving uncle and his two preteen nephews teach each other about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package as a favor for a local crime boss, and in return, the Don promised not to burn the their family’s restaurant to the ground.
2. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack (uncle) deliver the package to Burbank on time and save his family’s restaurant?
a. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how? In the opening shot cars pull into the restaurant even with the ‘closed’ sign on. Inside, a large family gathers around a large table to eat, drink and talk. A speaker-phone is placed on the table to speak with out-of-town relatives. A wall is covered with various pictures and snapshots of family events – weddings, graduation parties, New Year Eve blowouts, etc. The DiLuna family has owned the restaurant for three generations. Their lives revolved around it
b. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity? Depict how important the restaurant is and has been to the family. During the car trip, the uncle makes numerous cases why the restaurant is a member of the family. Scenes from the restaurant will show the family working there and the customers appreciating the sense of humor. Jack worries during the trip what would happen IF he doesn’t make it on time. Drugs the kids so they’ll sleep and he can make up time driving – make up for things like eating and bathroom breaks. Jack and the boys have numerous obstacles to overcome and a routine to maintain the package (lots of ice to keep it cold), including swapping containers before the FBI raids their hotel room in Las Vegas. And the only time they use dry ice – bad results.
c. When does the Dramatic Question finally get answered? In the Climax, the package is delivered and the boys are separated from Jack. The nephews outwit their captor and save their uncle.
2. Main Conflict:
a. When does the Main Conflict first show up? In the opening scene, Jack reveals himself to be a little shady and immediately shows contempt when the nephews are introduced. Jack also reveals what happened to cause the cold feelings. A picture on the wall will tell details of the story.
b. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story? This is only from Jack’s actions: wants to leave the kids with his friend, LC “NFW, Jack”, he drugs the boys. He feeds them candy and soda, they don’t shower, they’re wearing the same clothes, he gets angry when they don’t do what he tells them. Sal and Puck have their share of the Main Conflict as well – and they come at Uncle Jack from two sides – good and bad, truth and lies, big and small – whatever it is, the boys take opposing views but always team together against their uncle.
c. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act? The uncle is at his lowest when he and the kids leave Las Vegas. The boys see cowboys riding horses on the plain along the highway. They plead with their uncle, but he says no. The use of dry ice and a leak in its container causes everyone to pass out, including Jack, the Caddy’s driver. When they’re saved from a potentially bad accident, Jack commits to changing his life if God saves his nephews. Sal steers right away and Jack tries immediately to recant.
d. How is the Main Conflict resolved? The three work together to free themselves from a crazy situation in Burbank and catch a red-eye to JFK in NYC where they meet Puck and Sal’s moms – Jack’s sisters. The sisters notice a change in their sons and don’t believe Jack’s story, but the two boys vouch for their uncle and add a few nougats of their own.
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REQUEST FOR FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
Budinscak SLW Version 1
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
A conniving uncle teaches his two stowaway young nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Antagonist – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him.
Supporting Character – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Supporting Character – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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Budinscak SLW Version 2
Request for Feedback Exchange
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
In 1986, a conniving uncle and his two stowaway young nephews learn about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package for a local crime boss, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground as long as it arrives by 2:00 PM Monday.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Co-Antagonist – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Co-Antagonist – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
Supporting Character – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack. And they teach their uncle a lesson or two along the way.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Budinscak SLW Version 3
Request for Feedback Exchange
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
In 1986, a conniving uncle and his two stowaway young nephews learn about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package for a local crime boss, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground as long as it arrives by 2:00 PM Monday.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Co-Antagonist – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Co-Antagonist – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
Supporting Character – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack. And they teach their uncle a lesson or two along the way.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
Inside the restaurant, an extended family dines while chatting on a ‘speaker phone’ with two sisters who want Jack to pick them up at JFK in NYC on Tuesday. The two sisters are the mothers of Puck and Sal., and Jack agrees to pick them up.
Later, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
The next morning, a limo pulls into an open garage door at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, makes a phone call from the funeral home inquiring about the availability of a cleaning service. He’s told Monday at 2:00 PM is the first open slot – and he takes it. The Don sends two goons to the restaurant to ‘invite’ Jack to the funeral home – it’s the Don’s brother’s business.
Inciting Incident:
At the meeting, Don Vito hints that he’s pretty sure Jack knows more than he’s letting on about seeing the jerking body bag. Jack denies it as along as possible until he’s presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Prior to this turning point, Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line. He doesn’t realize that they snuck in the back seat of his Caddy and they’re fast asleep under a blanket lying on the floor of the car.
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, in Terra Haute. Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack and the boys leave and Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip with these two nephews is going to go – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble. They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Instead, they pick up a tail – a box truck follows the Cadillac. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
Jack pulls into a rest area and buys snacks for the boys – and ice for the cooler. To make time and to do it quietly, Jack drugs the two boys again. They sleep, he drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. When Sal and Puck wake in Oklahoma, Jack pulls into the Truck Stop.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Jack has a run-in with the boys and they reveal they’re now terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer, drugging them one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
He teaches Sal about one of his favorite recipes while letting him drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal. They settle in to a hotel in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room. A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
Next day, Sal sleeps, Jack and Puck bond a little. It’s nighttime when they come into view of Las Vegas – Jack’s enthralled and his enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. Hack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed. Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
The boys and Jack have a lot of fun in Vegas and the nephews have eye-opening first-time experiences they won’t forget. Jack had scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it – and Jack’s pissed off.
After nothing goes right for Jack, the FBI shakes him down.
The next morning, Jack has the boys transfer the license plates from a Caddy that looks just like theirs as he searches for ice for the cooler. He can’t find ice, he can only find dry ice. He puts it in the cooler in the trunk.
The FBI chase after the wrong Cadillac as Jack, Sal and Puck sneak out of the city. A flat bed tow truck follows – hands featuring the tats Love and Hate grip the steering wheel.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
As they leave Las Vegas, the dry ice leaks and makes its way into the back seat of the car. Right before they pass out, Sal and Puck ask their uncle if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor – Clint Eastwood. When Puck and Sal pass out – they dream they’re riding galloping stallions on the plains and Uncle Jack chases them on his horse. In reality, the Cadillac bounces all over the shoulder of the road and is cascading to an accident when the flat bed tow truck bangs into the Cadillac and saves Jack and the kids.
They load the Caddy on the flatbed and cover it with a tarp. They – Jack, Puck, Sal, and the Driver – head into Los Angeles.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
The FBI shows up – and they’re in cahoots with Don Vito. The local media shows up with LAPD and look like heroes.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Budinscak 2nd Pass
1. What I learned today:
o Eye opening process to quickly evaluate your script.
o I like how it identified an issue with the tone of a couple of scenes.
o I can see the endless hours I’ve wasted going through the entire script to fix problems – and not be successful or efficient.
o The script in my head isn’t translating as well on paper as I had hoped!
2. BEFORE:
Concept:
Two young cousins are taught about life and family on a long trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who’s agreed to deliver a package cross-country to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
Lead Characters:
Uncle Jack – Antagonist – shady, bit of a gambler, womanizer, whatever pops in his mind, that’s what he does. He doesn’t like being saddled with responsibility
Sal – Street smart, smart ass, a bit of a bully to Puck. Likes to lie and he’s sneaky.
Puck – Protagonist – book smart, naïve, honest, clingy, perceptive. Says what’s on his mind – no filter.
Plot/Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
3. Structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, two preteen cousins play outside when a hearse pulls up to the funeral home across the parking lot from the restaurant. Men pull a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack, the uncle, simply has to agree to deliver a package or his family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to deliver a package to Burbank, and he’s unaware he’s making the trip with his two young nephews, Puck and Sal.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachment to the nephews, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Sal and Puck.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: stands up for the kids.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
Main Conflict:
Will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip and how does he combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids.
Dramatic Question:
Will he deliver the package to Burbank on time.
Dilemma:
Will Jack
Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Family are those you can count on when you need them.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS
A significant change in Protagonist and Antagonist has made the story clearer – it makes more sense.
The two nephews still play a significant role, but it’s where it should be in a supporting role.
Swapping Protagonists impacted the opening scene and the solidified the inciting incident.
My Protagonist Arc in the before section is about the uncle and not one of the nephews. Seems like I knew there was an identity crisis.
Midpoint needs work. It’s a lighthearted movie and it’s a dark scene showing a dark side of Jack.
Crisis needs a little work and clarity.
Jack needs to be more than a conniving chef, he’s now a scoundrel who can cook and make book (for the horses).
4. AFTER
Concept:
A conniving uncle teaches his two young nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he makes from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package, it was either that or the family restaurant would be burned to the ground.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel chef
Antagonist – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him.
Supporting Character – Puck – book smart, naïve, clingy
Supporting Character – Sal – street smart, sneaky, liar
Plot/Structure
Plot/Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
Main Conflict:
Will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip? How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids? Divide and conquer?
Dramatic Question:
Will he deliver the package to Burbank on time?
Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he think of the boys wants/needs first.
Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
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Budinscak 1st Pass
What I learned today:
o The comments from the two optioned writers were impressive and a testament to trusting the process.
o I’ve already made a significant change in my story from this lesson – changing the protagonist.
o How nicely everything ties together.
o This model simplifies the re-write process.
1. Logline: Two young cousins are taught about life and family on a long trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who’s agreed to deliver a package cross-country to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
2. Plot/Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn lessons about family and life their experience.
3. Structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, two preteen cousins play outside when a hearse pulls up to the funeral home across the parking lot from the restaurant. Men pull a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack, the uncle, simply has to agree to deliver a package or his family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to deliver a package to Burbank, and he’s unaware he’s making the trip with his two young nephews, Puck and Sal.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachment to the nephews, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Sal and Puck.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
4. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: stands up for the kids.
5. Plot in Structure
FADE IN:
1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A large parking lot is shared by two businesses – a funeral home and Carmine’s, a family restaurant.
A hearse exits the funeral home as two cars park by the restaurant. Two boys hop out chase each other around.
The ‘closed sign’
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
JACK, 30ish, scoundrel, smoothly and efficiently cooks, he knows his way around the kitchen.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT DINING ROOM
Many FAMILY and drink.
A large MAN the
KITCHEN
members sit around a large table and chat, eat
grabs two BOYS and drags them down the hall to
And brings them to Jack. A coldness comes over Jack’s face while the two boys, PUCK and SAL, beam up at him.
The men and boys carry bowls of meat, sauce and pasta to the DINING ROOM
A feast ensues.
At the end, two sisters call in – Puck and Sal’s moms – and ask Jack to pick them up on Tuesday. He says yes – he thinks he’s going to Atlantic City and not Burbank.
INT. CARMINE’S – LATER
DINING ROOM
Jack directs Puck and Sal to pick up the trash.
They stop by a wall of pictures and Puck points to a picture with Sal and Puck smiling and Jack about to cuff them. Banking pic Puck says and smiles.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jack carries garbage bags to a dumpster outside. He watches the hearse pull up to an open garage door.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – CONTINUOUS
Three men pull a violently jerking body bag from the hearse.
A limousine follows closely and parks next to the hearse.
INT. CARMINE’S – CONTINUOUS
KITCHEN
Jack quietly closes and locks the door.
RING – the funeral home across the parking lot calls in an order.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A crime boss tells Jack he’s going to deliver a package for him. Talks about new casinos – Jack thinks Atlantic City, Don Vito never mentions Burbank.
Delivery Boy.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
A large MAN enters the restaurant asking for Jack.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Jack meets with DON VITO, local crime boss. Sal and Puck tag along to the funeral home.
DV’s brother keeps the kids busy in the casket room. DV explains to Jack what’s going to happen if he doesn’t make the trip.
EXT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack leaves for his trip
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack does drugs to stay awake. Never knows his two nephews are knocked out in the back seat under a blanket.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in Terre Haute, IN. His two nephews pop up in the back seat. Scares the hell out of all of them.
2.
EXT. PICNIC – DAY
LC, LINCOLN CLOGS, shows up and the boys are initially terrified of Jack’s good friend, but not for long.
EXT. PICNIC – LATER
The boys race go carts with LC’s crew as Jack and LC conduct business.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys load the cooler in the trunk with ice and head out.
EXT. PLATINUM RESTAURANT – DAY
The three amigos pull into the restaurant parking
lot and
rest area,
Pulls into
unknowingly pick up INT. CADILLAC – DAY
After a trying hour buys the kids candy
a tail.
in the car, Jack pulls into a and cokes and drugs the kids.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The kids sleep as Jack drives through the night. a truck stop.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINER – DAY
Puck, Sal and Jack enjoy dinner and learn a lesson about ladies/women.
EXT. TRUCK STOP DINER – NIGHT
After dinner, Jack goes outside for a cigarette, eyes a truck that’s been following them – he changes his license plate.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINER – NIGHT BATHROOM
Puck’s in a stall and Sal’s outside the stall door talking to him when a TRUCKER enters. He scares Sal away and tries to get in the stall.
DINING ROOM
Jack just sits down when Sal runs up and tells him what’s going on. They run to the bathroom.
BATHROOM
3.
Jack walks in and efficiently subdues the much larger man. Puck is equally scared from the situation with the Trucker and seeing this side of his uncle. Jack scares them.
DINING ROOM
Jack pays the bill as if nothing happened, grabs the boys and they leave.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
No one says anything for the longest time. Jack turns around and Puck’s afraid Jack’s going to hit him. Sal sticks up for Puck.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack points out the Las Vegas skyline at night. INT. CADILLAC – DAY
The three wake up in the Cadillac. They pull up next to their doppleganger Caddy near the entrance of their Las Vegas hotel.
Jack spots a truck in the same parking lot. It starts and follows Jack’s Caddy.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – NIGHT
Jack takes the boys shopping for clothes. They’re into it.
In their room, the boys shit, shower, shampoo, shave, shove- off just like uncle Jack.
CASINO
Out of the elevator, with sport coats and sunglasses, the three make their way to the casino. They get one foot inside and a very large man says – ‘get the kids outta here’
Concierge guy helps them – jack tips him again.
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – NIGHT
The boys have a night they’ll forget – they win at Circus Circus. And Jack has a night he’d love to forget – he lost everything.
4.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – NIGHT
On way back to the room, Jack asks about naked woman
FBI shake down Jack – make him their informant. Boys hide in closet and see it happen in front of them.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – DAY
Boys swap license. Jack gets dry ice for the
FBI ask concierge, he tells them that license left the parking lot.
FBI follows wrong car.
EXT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
cooler. plate just
Jack and the boys jump in their Caddy and leave. A flatbed tow truck starts up and follows from a distance.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Dry ice melts and there’s a leak into the back seat – everyone’s knocked out.
DREAM SEQUENCE
Boys believe they’re cowboys riding galloping horses on the plane.
REALITY – the caddy’s half on the road’s shoulder and the road’s asphalt. The car bounces simulates the boys riding their horses.
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
The flatbed tow truck pulls up along side the Caddy, blares it’s horn – there’s a deep dip/barrier in the road coming up soon.
INT. TOW TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
The driver – with love and hate on his knuckles – puts the tow truck in front of the Caddy and slows the car down.
EXT. ROAD – LATER
Jack is out of sorts as the boys have yet to recover from the carbon monoxide inspired horse riding dream.
Pledges to GOD to be a changed man, the boys stir – he tries to recant.
5.
INT. TOW TRUCK – DAY
They load the caddy on the flatbed truck, put the boys inside the car. They drive to Burbank.
They arrive just before 2:00 INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Jack and the boys are separated. The boys outwit a MAN and he’s stuck in a casket – from first scene. Bank scene.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – LATER
FBI shows up, police show boys escape.
INT. TOW TRUCK – DUSK
The tow truck, with Caddy and the boys to catch the
INT. NEWARK AIRPORT – DAY
up, media shows up – Jack and the
on back, flies to LAX, takes Jack red eye to Newark.
Jack and the boys sleep on benches at the gate when their mom’s arrive.
INT. FORD LINCOLN – DAY
Mom’s question why the Ford, Jack makes up a story and boys fill in the blanks effortlessly and accurately.
The mom’s notice the change in the boys – Sal’s nicer, got an edge. Puck drops an F-bomb. The mom/s look at he shrugs.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
A snapshot is taken of Jack and boys next to the Ford.
PRESENT TIME
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
the
Puck’s Jack,
Puck and CAT, his aunt, discuss the picture and the ‘atlantic city’ trip.
Sal enters and comes over to hug his aunt, and confirm everything Puck’s said.
Jack enters with Puck and Sal’s wives. Twins from beginning.
6.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Big party – family reunion. Jules is the music, LC’s there with some of his crew, all aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone in the movie.
ANGEL/DRIVER shows up in his tow truck with the Caddy completely restored.
FINAL SCENE
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Tons of trash floats in the parking lot. A cleanup crew – FBI guys – in their new civilian venture picking up trash.
Jack leaves the payment in cash in a paper bag. Just like old times.
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Budinscak Favorite Movie Outline
What I learned today:
o I picked “RIM OF THE WORLD” to outline for its genre, and after watching it – I’m not quite sure what market this movie targets. What I thought was an homage to ‘80s coming of age movies was not.
o After doing the outline, it tells the whole story and makes it easier to add layers for your script.
o An outline condenses a 100+ page script to 5-6 pages.
o I’m looking forward to outlining my script.
“RIM OF THE WORLD”
Dramatic Question: Will the kids be able to deliver the Excalibur key to Dr. Fielding at the JPL facility.
Main Conflict: Evading an alien tracking them as the traverse a war zone during the 70+ mile trek to the Jet Propulsion Lab.
Dilemma: The General tells them to leave and save themselves, but Alex says no and rallies the other kids to complete their mission and defeat the alien invasion.
Theme: The sum is greater than the parts. Individuals can unite to become a formidable team.
Outline:
EXT. SKY – NIGHT
An alien ship comes into Earth’s orbit and collides with a space station.
INT. SPACE STATION – NIGHT
An Astronaut sends information on the alien ship to Earth, but it’s too late. There’s a growl, the astronaut screams.
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
ALEX, young teen, sits amidst a wall of computer screens in his bedroom. His mother prefer he goes outside and make friends.
INT. MANSION – DAY
DARIUSH, young black teen, surrounded by displays of wealth.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
ZHENZHEN, young Chinese female teen, pays a man to be her uncle to get past the passport police.
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – DAY
The kids arrive, meet the camp counselors and turn in their cell phones.
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – LATER
Before departing, Alex’s mom sings “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” to him and he sings back, in front of everyone.
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – LATER
Alex climbs a tall ladder to the zip line, but is too afraid. He has to climb back down, he’s this summer’s chickenshit walk of shame.
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – NIGHT
Alex finds out space station is offline. Makes eye contact with Zhenzhen and they stare off into space.
EXT. LAKE – DAY
As the canoes are getting cleaned, Zhenzhen walks the other way – and Alex follows. GABRIEL, hispanic young teen, shows up just before Alien ships and F-22’s engage in aerial combat.
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – DAY
The camp is empty and shut down.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
A capsule crashes, it carries the astronaut from the opening scene.
She gives Alex a key with vital info to beat the aliens. An alien appears, kills the astronaut and sends ‘a dog’ after the kids.
EXT. CAMP – CONTINUOUS
The kids capture the alien dog, but the dog escapes. Gabe and Dariush hide from the alien under the stairs as…
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Alex and Zhenzhen hide in toilet pit. Camp Counselor CONRAD is killed by the alien. Alex and Zhenzhen escape to…
EXT. RIM OF THE WORLD – LATER
The dog chases Dariush and Gabe, they escape inside the capsule.
INT. CAPSULE – CONTINUOUS
Gabe and Dariush look outside when Alex and Zhenzhen knock on the window.
EXT. CAPSULE – CONTINUOUS
The dog charges Alex and Zhenzhen, but misses. It then stalks and surprises Alex …
INT. CAPSULE – CONTINUOUS
Gabe pushes Dariush into the capsule’s engine button.
EXT. CAPSULE – CONTINUOUS
The dog is fried by the capsule’s jet engine.
EXT. CAMP – LATER
The alien captures all 4 kids, but is killed by a F-22. The kids escape.
INT. BIKE SHOP – DAY
The gang teaches Alex how to ride a bike. They’re bringing the key to adults so they can finish the journey.
EXT. ROAD – DAY
Alex crashes his bike and they see the invasion’s devastation.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
Alien is not dead, it mourns the loss of his dog and screams.
EXT. SHERIFF STATION – LATER
Everyone but Gabe enters the sheriff’s station.
INT. SHERIFF STATION – CONTINUOUS
Alex, Zhenzhen and Dariush only find one person in the station – a PRISONER. Alex drops the keys within reach, then leave.
EXT. CITY – DAY
Alex gives Excalibur key to army, but an attack compromises the man. He gives the key back to Alex and is killed.
EXT. SAN GABRIEL VALLEY – LATER
Gabe shares who he is – he escaped from juvie.
INT. GABE’S HOME – NIGHT
The kids lie down to sleep and … crash – a loud noise!
EXT. GABE’S HOME – LATER
Kids search outside and are captured by the Prisoner. He wants the key, Alex refuses. Prisoner makes his move when he’s attacked by the alien.
EXT. GABE’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Alien stalks kids and Gabe traps him in a pool.
EXT. EAST LA – DAY
Dariush comes clean – his family’s broke. A signal from the JPL’s Dr. Fielding reaches the kids’ walkie talkie.
EXT. GABE’S HOME – LATER
The alien comes out of the pool.
INT. MALL – DAY
Zhenzhen comes clean – her dad wanted a boy. The kids change clothes, dance, ride bikes in the mall.
EXT. MALL – LATER
The kids run to a mid-70’s Mustang in the parking lot.
INT. MUSTANG – CONTINUOUS
Zhenzhen drives the Mustang when the alien attacks jumping on the car’s roof.
EXT. MUSTANG – CONTINUOUS
The kids jump from the moving car. The car crashes through guardrails and hurdles off a bridge taking the alien with it.
EXT. BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
Car crashes on top of alien. Alex can’t find the key. Dariush leaves to retrieve the key from the Mustang.
EXT. CAR CRASH SITE – LATER
Dariush finds key, Alien awakes and slashes Dariush.
EXT. PASADENA – DAY
Only 1.7 miles to JPL
INT. JPL – DAY
Find Dr. Fielding – he’s dead. End of their quest, the kids are ready to go their separate ways, but don’t.
A call comes in from a General.
INT. JPL – LATER
Alex defies General, tells him they (the kids) came this far, they can do it. General tells them what to do.
EXT. CAR CRASH SITE – CONTINUOUS
Alien escapes by regenerating the lower half of his body.
INT. JPL BASEMENT – DAY
Zhenzhen falls from air duct to basement floor while …
EXT. JPL ROOF – CONTINUOUS
Alex begins to climb a tall ladder to adjust the dishes.
INT. JPL BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Zhenzhen turns the generators on, there’s power again.
INT. JPL CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Dariush and Gabe use the key to upload the Excalibur software.
EXT. JPL ROOF – CONTINUOUS
Alex overcoming fears as he climbs the ladder and the alien shows up. Alex adjusts dishes and escapes via zip line.
INT. JPL BASEMENT – LATER
Zhenzhen opens a basement door and an alien dog is freed.
INT. JPL CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Dariush faints from alien’s slash to his chest. Two people are needed to fire up Excalibur – Gabe can’t do it alone.
INT. JPL BASEMENT – LATER
Zhenzhen barely escapes from the alien dog.
INT. JPL CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Gabe cannot understand the number sequence provided by the general. Dariush awakes to help him, then passes out again.
INT. JPL CONTROL ROOM – LATER
Zhenzhen arrives and fires up Excalibur with Gabe when the alien attacks.
INT. LAB – CONTINUOUS
Alex starts jet engine and sings, getting the alien’s attention. When the alien walks behind engine, Alex fires a flare gun. Engine ignites and roasts the alien.
INT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Alex’s story of losing his father during a fire.
EXT. LAB – DAY
Alex walks through a wall of ashes and smoke – they’re all reunited. Alien mothership explodes. Alex finally kisses Zhenzhen.
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Budinscak Basic Structure!
What I learned today:
o I was surprised at the number of story structures that exist and Hollywood’s strong preference for the three-act structure.
o I’m lousy at outlines.
o How to tell the whole story – combine the 9 structural points with the necessary questions.
o And how the necessary questions keep you focused, not allowing you to stray when writing.
Concept:
Two cousins learn about life and family during a long trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who promises to deliver a package cross-country to Burbank, CA, by Monday or his family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground.
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, two preteen cousins play outside when a hearse pulls up to the funeral home across the parking lot from the restaurant. Men pull a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack, the uncle, simply has to agree to deliver a package or his family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to deliver a package to Burbank, and he’s unaware he’s making the trip with his two young nephews, Puck and Sal.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachment to the nephews, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Sal and Puck.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
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Budinscak Necessary Questions
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Having the answers to 4 questions sets everything else in motion for your story.
o It’s made a previously tough process enjoyable and much easier to approach.
o Always nice to have a framework in place to keep me on track when writing.
Assignment:
Concept:
In 1986, two preteen cousins learn about family and life during a trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who has to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, by 2:00 PM Monday or the family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground.
Dramatic Question:
Will the uncle deliver the package in Burbank on time?
Main Conflict:
The main conflict is between the uncle and the two nephews. The uncle’s impact on the boys’ lives by opening their eyes with new experiences, and the boys impact on their uncle’s ability to successfully make the trip to Burbank on time.
Dilemma:
Will the uncle ditch the kids and have the fun he planned on having or will he actually be responsible adult the kids think he is and watch over them the rest of the trip?
Theme:
Family is more than just relatives. You can always count on family.
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PS80 Budinscak Dramatic Plots 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
o After reviewing the second set of dramatic plots, I think my story is a hybrid.
o There are numerous plots that satisfy components of my story, but I only found two to be truly germane to the whole story.
o There are many different ways to say the same thing, it’s finding the one that says it best and is the most marketable to/for producers.
o There is much to do before doing any writing. A discipline that I need to establish for myself.
Assignment:
Original Concept:
In 1986, two preteen cousins learn about family and life during a trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who has a deadline to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, or the family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground.
#13 – Maturation
Over the course of a 3-day, cross-country car trip, two preteen cousins learn life’s lessons and how family protects from their self-centered conniving uncle who’s agreed to deliver an unknown package across the country to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
#17 – Discovery
Similar yet opposite cousins learn lessons about family and life during a trip with their uncle, a lowlife criminal who agrees to personally drive across the country to deliver an unknown package for a crime boss.
Relative to the four plots selected, I am using Adventure as the best fit currently for my story.
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PS80 Budinscak Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
o By the end of the assignments, I’ll have a solid concept, logline and an outline with which to finish my script.
o I will be able to adjust/amend whatever a producer needs ‘fixed’ – and I’ll be able to handle their request quickly and accurately.
o My story doesn’t exactly fit the first 10 plots, but I do see options I didn’t think of earlier that fit.
Assignment:
#2 – Adventure:
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn lessons about family and life their experience.
#9 – Underdog
A conniving chef must deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA to avoid the family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground by a crime boss. The day he leaves, two preteen nephews unknowingly tag along for the trip. During the next few days, the two boys learn life’s lessons and what family is all about as their journey winds down in Burbank and they rescue their uncle from dire circumstances.
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PS80 Budinscak Character Structure
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I appreciate the guidelines to help determine character structure.
o I realized doing an outline is one of my biggest weaknesses.
o I didn’t realize the importance of an outline relative to dealing with producers/agents. Etc.
o Again, I did not realize that an outline can potentially save you 2-5 drafts.
o Learn how to do an outline.
Assignment:
1. Concept – In 1986, two preteen male cousins learn about life and family during a trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who has to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank by 2:00 PM Monday or they’ll burn his family’s restaurant to the ground.
2. Character structure is #2 – Buddy Movie
3. Uncle Jack – Antagonist, shady, bit of a gambler, womanizer, whatever pops in his mind, that’s what he does. He doesn’t like being saddled with responsibility
Sal – Street smart, smart ass, a bit of a bully to Puck. Likes to lie and he’s sneaky.
Puck – book smart, naïve, honest, clingy, perceptive. Says what’s on his mind – no filter.
4. It’s a road trip story, coming of age for the two boys. While the two boys spar with one another, they gang up on Uncle Jack and take an opposing view. Jack doesn’t like kids, but ends up loving the boys by the end. Jack’s character doesn’t change over the course of the story, but the boys definitely grow.
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Subject Line: Budinscak Character Structure
I don’t believe this is the correct location for the Character Structure component of the class, but I am not allowed anywhere else on this site to post this. Please let me know what I need to do and where I need to go. Thank you.
Sincerely,
John Budinscak
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I appreciate the guidelines to help determine character structure.
o I realized doing an outline is one of my biggest weaknesses.
o I didn’t realize the importance of an outline relative to dealing with producers/agents. Etc.
o Again, I did not realize that an outline can potentially save you 2-5 drafts.
o Learn how to do an outline.
Assignment:
1. Concept – In 1986, two preteen male cousins learn about life and family during a trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who has to deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank by 2:00 PM Monday or they’ll burn his family’s restaurant to the ground.
2. Character structure is #2 – Buddy Movie
3. Uncle Jack – Antagonist, shady, bit of a gambler, womanizer, whatever pops in his mind, that’s what he does. He doesn’t like being saddled with responsibility
Sal – Street smart, smart ass, a bit of a bully to Puck. Likes to lie and he’s sneaky.
Puck – book smart, naïve, honest, clingy, perceptive. Says what’s on his mind – no filter.
4. It’s a road trip story, coming of age for the two boys. While the two boys spar with one another, they gang up on Uncle Jack and take an opposing view. Jack doesn’t like kids, but ends up loving the boys by the end. Jack’s character doesn’t change over the course of the story, but the boys definitely do.
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John Budinscak – I agree to the terms of this release form,.
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Good morning to Cheryl, Hal and all my classmates.
1- My name is John Budinscak, and for simplicity’s sake, call me John.
2- I’ve written 3 feature scripts and am the co-creator of a comedy series. I believe each script contains 1-2 pages of brilliance and another 100+ pages of very ordinary to mundane writing. But all is not lost as each of these scripts make an exceptional paper weight.
3- I’m looking to elevate my writing across all areas. I plan to revisit those scripts and attempt to make something of them. Ultimately, I want to sell “something” and/or be employed in the industry in some manner.
4- Unique … strange … unusual ….
a. I was in a bank when an attempted robbery happened. I witnessed the robber being shot and killed by security and I had to give a statement. I got yelled at by my boss for being late returning from lunch.
b. I can hold two conversations simultaneously – one on the phone, the other with whoever is with me. A skill acquired being an Executive Headhunter for a number of years.
c. I was one of 33,000 fans in Miami at the Orange Bowl for the “Hail Flutie” game in 1984. Doug Flutie threw a 60+ yard TD pass and Boston College beat MIami 47-45 on the last play of the game. Yup, I’m bit older.
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What I’ve learned:
That formatting in nowhere near as important as I’ve been told … by everyone.
The doors to Hollywood are not completely shut.
The Aha Moment about Script Consultants. The feedback they provide focuses on what THEY know best and not necessarily what YOU need.
All the successes of the ProSeries Classes.
Learning how to write from a perspective other than my own.
Critiques/criticism are not the only tools for feedback. Our feedback is on the acquisition of skill sets and not content.
Concept of Continuous Improvement and establishing realistic goals – 1%/day. Very achievable.
Finding great writing in a movie, regardless of how bad a movie may be.
The focus on the model as opposed to content.
The Easy Method. Thank you, Jim.
And a healthy identity, the right mindset for writing. It’s okay to write a bad first draft.
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Good morning to Cheryl, Hal and all my classmates.
1- My name is John Budinscak, and for simplicity’s sake, call me John.
2- I’ve written 3 feature scripts and am the co-creator of a comedy series. I believe each script contains 1-2 pages of brilliance and another 100+ pages of very ordinary to mundane writing. But all is not lost as each of these scripts make an exceptional paper weight.
3- I’m looking to elevate my writing across all areas. I plan to revisit those scripts and attempt to make something of them. Ultimately, I want to sell “something” and/or be employed in the industry in some manner.
4- Unique … strange … unusual ….
a. I was in a bank when an attempted robbery happened. I witnessed the robber being shot and killed by security and I had to give a statement. I got yelled at by my boss for being late returning from lunch.
b. I can hold two conversations simultaneously – one on the phone, the other with whoever is with me. A skill acquired being an Executive Headhunter for a number of years.
c. I was one of 33,000 fans in Miami at the Orange Bowl for the “Hail Flutie” game in 1984. Doug Flutie threw a 60+ yard TD pass and Boston College beat MIami 47-45 on the last play of the game. Yup, I’m a little older.
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I agree to the terms of the release form.
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I agree to the release form,
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Chuck,
I appreciate the feedback and I agree with your input. This version jumps around with plenty of plot holes. I will use your comments to fill out the inconsistencies and tell a better story. Thanks, Chuck!
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Chuck,
I just finished reading your horror outline and I’ve got two words for you – great job!
Right from the start with your title, logline and horror concept, you secured my interest. Your outline is comprehensive – capturing the essence of each scene with characters and action developing it more fully. I like the monster you created, its back-story, unique/interesting abilities, and its set of rules. Nice work.
I especially liked your horror situations and emotional buildups including shocks/releases – very well done. As I read your outline, I checked off areas that I liked and each page has more than a few checkmarks. I really like your story, and I really like your style.
I have two comments where you may want to change a name. Scene 50 – While going through a storeroom, …. I believe you meant Becca and not Kay. Also, scene 52 – “The Demon invades Kay’s home….” currently, it’s Kay and Cheryl have to team up…, but I think you mean Trudie and Kay team up since Cheryl is in her side of the duplex. Two small items.
Your outline is a fun read. It’s a solid outline full of horrifying scenes with fun characters and a determined, scary monster. You tie everything together nicely. Great job.
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Charles – would you like to exchange outlines for feedback? Please let me know – thanks.
John B.
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Sorry, I was out all day yesterday and just getting back now – I apologize for my late reply. Yes, please feel free to post your feedback right here. I know I have a few plot holes, and the ‘movie’ in my head is not what I wrote on paper.
I will get back to you later today with feedback on your outline. Chuck, I appreciate your time and comments, thank you.
John
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Hi Terri – I’m happy you’re here as well. I look forward to seeing you in June!
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I think you’re off to a great start here. You have a nice setup for your story with lots of information/character, your logline generates interest and you’ve touches on some of the conventions of a thriller. But you’re not done yet.
I would encourage you to incorporate the misdirects, twists, reveals, clues, etc into ‘un-tagged’ scenes in your story to make your Thriller Map easy to read. Capture the essence of your story, see how it flows without any dialog. This will help convert your story into a workable outline, a great way to see where your story may need some attention before starting on your script.
I’m very interested to see where you go from here. If I can help in any way, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
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Amy,
Thank you – very much! Whatever I can do to return the favor, just ask. I appreciate your help!
Sincerely,
John B.
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Amy,
I just sent an email – Subject Line: Budinscak Day 6 Lesson – with two attachments, one a word doc and the other a pdf file. I went to edit my post, but I was only able to paste a couple of pages before being denied access by the firewall. Your offer is greatly appreciated – thank you.
Sincerely,
John B.
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Amy,
Thank you, Amy, I appreciate your offer very much! I am going to try and paste one page at a time. If that doesn’t work, I’ll send you an email to you with the lesson as an attachment. A sincere thank you!
John B
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Bob, I really like what you did here. You have comprehensive story recap of Acts 1 and 2, it leads in and flows nicely with the final Act, and I especially appreciated the twist with the Narrator. Nice touch on what could have happened. Highlighting the moral and ethical issues for Jannings (and Gerron) provide emotional insight for Jannings’ decision.
Bob, you’re constrained by what actually happened in the telling of historical events, but you’ve weaved a very engaging and enticing story. Helluva job, Bob!
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Pablo,
Well done, Pablo – I like it. From the setup to all the 3rd Act structures, you hit a homerun. Your descriptions make the story easy to see, it flows well and the twists and turns keep it moving forward.
I did notice your story is a bit different from the one I read previously, and I’m glad Irma survives in this version. There’s a new main character, Sapo, and I like his role as Frank’s partner, how you’ve depicted him as becoming Irma’s nemesis and the role he played with Antonio’s poker chip/tracking device. You mention needing a ton of work – I think you’ve got a great outline to work with and to help flesh out your concept. I look forward to reading the next iteration.
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Pablo,
Would you like to exchange critiques? Please let me know – thank you!
Sincerely,
John B.
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Bob,
I appreciate your kind words – thank you!
JB
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Thanks Pablo! I’ll have my analysis posted tomorrow morning.
JB
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Thanks, Amy, I appreciate your critique and comments. I do understand what you mean about the balloon scene – it is a little confusing. I will clean that up so it makes sense. Thanks again for your help!
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The purpose of subtext is twofold: 1. Get the audience to internalize the experience of the characters and join the movie’s internal journey and, 2. Deliver deeper meaning in dialog, action, character, etc. Mission accomplished, Amy!
Dr. Smitty is a wonderful character you created and a perfect subtext subject. His traits and identify point to a character he definitely is not. His subtext logline says it best – a scientist who lied and cheated to get where he is – nice. And you carried it from the very beginning of the scene all the way to the very end when the good Doctor yells his final words, “I have no secrets!” – great line, very nice.
I really like the scene you crafted and how you introduced Andrea in it. It has Dr. Smitty backpedaling from the get go and I didn’t feel as though I could trust anything he does or says. And I felt sorry for Andrea. All she’s looking for is answers and I don’t believe she will get any from Dr. Smitty. When she inquires about Megan, Dr. Smitty’s comments give her no assurances.
Your scene, the characters, their traits and identities, dialog, actions, the situation – all loaded with subtext. I like everything you did here. Great job, Amy!
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Amy,
Can I interest you in a Feedback Exchange? Please let me know. Thank you.
John B.
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Thank you, Amy – talk soon!
John B.
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Let me begin by complimenting you on my favorite line – “His face flushing like a douchebag’s red Corvette”. Vivid.
You had many examples of visual descriptions – a lot of fun ones – and anticipatory dialog. You hit the suspense button in your opening sentence and had a nice payoff. Hooks and uncertainty are evident throughout and you’ve got emotion sprinkled from start to finish.
I’m glad you explained the character Osgood was a vampire. The fact he was rarely impressed with mortals created mystery and his last line, “I’ll be having a drink later” was pleasantly duplicitous. I’m sure he’s a force in other scenes. Job well done, Michelle.
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Thank you for comments on my scene, specifically whimsy and wonder. I appreciate that.
I will definitely read your scene and provide my thoughts. I will get back to you by the end of today or very first thing Sunday AM. Thank you, Michelle!
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Thank you, Amy, I appreciate your feedback and your comments. I especially took note when you mentioned your thoughts about Jack taking his nephews under his wing and used the term heartwarming – that made me smile. That’s what I was attempting to accomplish and I’m happy it came through. Thank you!
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You mentioned referring to the Skill Mastery Sheet while writing this scene and I can see it. Whether the scene will be included in your final draft is your call, but for this exercise I think you hit on just about all components of the “Writing With Boldness” module.
The Scene is short and sweet. There are easily detected anticipatory dialog examples, especially the last line from Maddy, “I’ll get you for this. When you least expect it.” For me, it was also a hook and uncertainty wrapped in that sentence, and it created the interest that I want to see how it’s resolved.
There’s suspense in the interaction between Maddy and Chloe. Without knowing what Chloe mentioned to the Mrs. Adams, it dictated Maddy’s reaction. What starts as a taunt from Maddy, ends as a threat to Chloe. I liked it.
I found examples of being bold and emotional descriptions as well. If necessary, I believe you can find where to add vivid visual description to complete every item on the checklist. I think you completed the assignment and displayed those skill sets in a economical manner and delivered the essence. Nice job, Amy!
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Amy – would you be interested in exchanging critiques? Please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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Thanks Amy, talk soon.
John B.
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Thank you, Armand – I appreciate your insights and agree 100% with your comments. I’ll clean up the ‘snakes’ piece and amp up the conflict/tension.
Enjoy your vacation, safe travels and Happy Thanksgiving!
John B.
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Armand, you put us in the middle of a terrific battle, ramp up the conflict & tension and maintain it throughout your scene.
Nice use of dramatic irony with Maddie as the Gas Station Attendant, and it’s also a great twist. You utilize a number of twists here – Tyler getting kicked out of the Killer’s body, Tyler possibly dying again, Maddie/Gas Station Attendant arrival, Lex mentioning Tyler and getting Maddie’s attention. Very well done.
I can see numerous Setups/Payoffs, too. The Gas Station Attendant a disguise for Maddie from an earlier scene, Tyler getting kicked out of the Killer’s body is a payoff for later and Maddie’s evolution to a badass – Maddie IS a badass.
Great setting to maximize conflict and tension, and you’ve created the Crucible that has implications. The Misleads and Reveals and Setting up the Scenes for the Future with the Killer’s escape, Lex mentioning Tyler and getting Maddie’s attention as well as Maddie being fully involved and completely prepared to battle the Killer.
I believe you’ve touched every component of the Dramatic Devices module in this exciting scene. I fully understand when you mentioned having fun with this – it shows! Armand, you’ve done a masterful job here with Dramatic Devices – I must compliment you, great work!
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Armand,
I’d be happy to swap critiques and feedback on your submission – and i’ll post the feedback for you tomorrow. Enjoy your trip and Happy Thanksgiving to you!
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Let me start by saying I feel fortunate to have read your essence outline and being aware of the satisfying demise of Daniel Richards at the hands of Amber. Good riddance!
Great job showing how despicable this Daniel character really is – and a great advertisement for any actor looking to play a really ‘bad guy’. I like the adjectives you’ve used in your descriptions, and I appreciate your use of ‘less is more’ philosophy when describing action. We get a glimpse of Amber here and her priority – protecting the children. I look forward to see her evolution and who she becomes. Well done!
You hit all the buttons, the scene flows effortlessly and you paint a horrific picture of the home life for the Richards family. Great job, Janeen, I enjoy your writing. I’m a fan!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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I’d like to read your final scene and offer feedback, and I’d appreciate your input and thoughts on mine. Please let me know. Thanks, Janeen.
John B.
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I like the way you put Jannings in the thick of things right away, it immediately draws you to the character. War torn area, guns leveled on him, no papers for identification – just his Oscar. To me, he’s a very sympathetic character. He’s 60 and after a dozen years under the Nazi regime, I picture a man aged more by experiences than years. A proud man, a man of achievement, now reduced to having to explain himself and the ‘what and why’ of being a Nazi propaganda tool. He has to start all over with his best years behind him, his world literally in rubble and his most current work makes him a pariah. Very nice opening – and I like the segue to Jannings’ narration as well. Very nice work, Bob.
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Thanks, Bob – I very much appreciate your input and I like your thoughts on a different starting point. I will check into that.
And I’m looking forward to catching up with Jannings, Marlene and the Director. I will get back with you later this morning. Thanks!
John B
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Janeen,
Thank you! I used your outline as a model and I tried to address all your questions to ensure it flows. I appreciate you coming back and taking another look, thanks!
JB
PS – Carbon Dioxide – you’re 100% correct, great catch!
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Bob,
Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
JB
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Bob,
I think you’ve pared everything down to the bare essentials in your essence outline and it weaves your interesting tale. Very readable, flows easily and logically to the story’s conclusion.
I’m anxious to hear Jannings tell the story and his explanation of the Dramatic Question. We know about Dietrich and Von Sternberg, but not so much about Jannings. Between protecting his mother’s Jewish heritage, the overtures of prison or worse and his heavy German accent eliminating a future career in movies in the US, Jannings doesn’t appear to have many options. Coupled with the theme of not judging the actions of someone under a death threat, Jannings, to me, is a very sympathetic character. Hard to lose everything you enjoy (his craft – acting), what’s left is taken away (told to make Nazi films) and you have to get up everyday and continue moving forward (ensuring his Jewish mother’s safety) under the backdrop of a tyrant’s regime. Bob, you’ve got a appealing tale to tell with many juicy options to pick from – well done.
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Bob,
Sounds good. I’ll take a look at your story and get back with you later today. No sweat about getting back to me until tomorrow, not an issue at all. I look forward to see where you’ve taken you story. Talk to you soon.
John B.
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Pablo,
This is the first time I’ve read your outline since the initial draft and you’ve done an excellent job. I like the things you added – the ending, more detail on Ricardo’s gambling and those looking to collect, Irma’s sons’ role and especially Irma! I was surprised that Irma died, but I completely understand why, and I really like how the stories of Irma and Miguel converge – and Miguel becomes a foster parent and responsible for Irma’s sons. Very nice touch.
I like the character structure you selected and how you wove the three stories together. Again, very nice. The Dramatic Question was challenged throughout and answered in the final act. Your Main Conflict was active throughout your story.
I really enjoyed your story and what you added – very readable, it flows and I liked the ending. I think you nailed it. Your Essence Outline is well done. It does contain more than the suggested 1-2 sentences per scene, but it made the story very easy to read. Pablo, great job!
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Janeen,
Thank you for reading my story and I appreciate your questions and comments – they identify all areas I need to address.
Let me clear up a couple of points that should have been made clear from the start: the boys are 10-12 years old, Driver was sent by Jack’s friend LC to be their guardian angel for the trip without Jack knowing – he’s a good guy. The FBI’s role – they’re essentially the same as the other antagonist, they just wear different suits – bad guys. I’ll address the body bag and the cooler, too.
I appreciate the insights on the outline showing character arc and plot arc. I will address it for the updated version. Now you know why I told you I was envious of your essence outline. Thank you for your help.
John B.
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Janeen,
I think you did a great job. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, it’s very interesting and with a timely subject matter. I really like your Dramatic Question.
You laid everything out nicely, the 9 beats match up perfectly. You built suspense and conflict, and your Main Conflict easily carries throughout Acts II and III. Great job with the Essence Outline, I’m envious.
Your story flowed really well, very easy to read and with an ending the audience will enjoy. Very well done.
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Thanks Janeen. I’ll tell you upfront my essence outline is little long. All thoughts, insights, comments are appreciated. Thank you.
John B.
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Janeen,
I am asking if I may review your essence outline, and would you please review mine. Please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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Hey, Jim – just saw your message and I apologize for not replying sooner – my bad! I’m going to update my outline and I would very much appreciate your insight and feedback. It’s 2:10 EST right now and I should have it posted by 2:30. It will be Version 3.
And I’d like to read your story and provide the SLW review, too. Thanks, Jim!
JB
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Bob,
Amazing story. I read a couple of versions with different plot structures (Transformation and Rivalry), the story from Jannings’ perspective and featuring Dietrich. Even though Dietrich is the star most everyone remembers, Jannings’ story is worthy as well.
Strong characters. I appreciate the detail you’ve included in the Opening and Inciting Incident, for me it developed the feel and emotion of the time – very nicely done. Especially the tone of the Weimar Republic, the rise of Nazism and the societal impact.
You’ve got a wealth of information and multiple story lines to weave your tale. I’m not sure what’s fiction and what’s real in this true story, but you caught my interest so much I looked up Josef von Sternberg and Emil Jannings. The Blue Angel was supposed to be Jannings shot at success in ‘talkies’, but Dietrich stole the show. This part reminds me of “A Star Is Born” – one career falls while the other skyrockets.
I really like the work you’ve done, Bob, and I’m interested to see which way you select to tell your story. I know I want to read it.
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Rob,
I just read Version 3 after providing a review on Version 2. I like this version – more clarity on Danny/woman in white and you’ve revealed a few more tidbits. I’m excited to see this when you’re done. Great job, Rob!
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Rob,
I read both the original and Version 2, and I’m a big fan of Version 2.
You’ve added a lot of new elements, starting right at your Concept with ‘based on a true story’ – wow. I like the amended Concept where you reference the father’s abduction and his rescue from the obsessed ….. dead mother. Really nicely done. And I like your plot choice – the Riddle. There are a lot of fun elements here (lady in white, bloody messages), and I like that you’ve included them in your updated structure.
You’ve done a really nice job here. Your concept is supported in the structure, the Dramatic Question is tested at various times and moves the story forward and I think you’ve got an interesting theme that shows itself numerous times.
I think one area you can work on is the Dilemma and flesh that out a little more – maybe look at from the Protagonist’s viewpoint. Overall, I really enjoyed your story, Rob. Great work.
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Hey Bob,
I’ll be more than happy to read your outline and provide the SLW review. I’ll have it to you by the end of today or first thing Saturday morning.
And would you please review my story as well? All comments and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.
John B
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Rob,
Yes, please provide feedback for me, and I hope to get Version 2 up very shortly. And I will definitely review your Version 2.
Thanks, Rob!
John B.
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Richard,
Very interesting story, is this based on fact? Regardless, it’s a good read.
I really liked your character descriptions – I could see them – I liked the Character Arc for your protagonist, Shane. I don’t think there’s any question whether or not the Dramatic Question shows up in your structure – it’s a resounding yes.
Your theme shows up early – when the Irish clans betray ours – and carries throughout the outline. Even without a lot of detail, I can see the scenes and the movie when I read the outline. And I’m looking forward to seeing it when you add additional layers to the outline. Even though it wasn’t mentioned, I pictured the British Army enjoying the ‘Irish 7’ slaughtering one another. I really liked the climax – nice touch.
I look forward to seeing the next couple of iterations. Great job.
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Richard,
May I read your outline and provide a SLW review? I will wait for Pablo’s review and your updated Version 2 before I reply.
Please also read my outline and provide your thoughts. Your help is appreciated. Thank you,
John Budinscak
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Thanks, Armand – great input. You’ve got me thinking about the nephews as the antagonist(s), good insight. I appreciate all your comments.
John Budinscak
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Pablo,
You’ve got some great ideas in your story outline, and I think a very interesting movie.
All components of the Story Logic Web support your Concept, and the Dramatic Question shows up in your structure. There are some nice twists and turns, and I could see the story in my head when I read your outline.
For me, the Inciting Incident occurs when Irma’s husband is murdered and the home burglarized – all she has are the bus tickets. When that happens, she’s locked in and committed. Frank’s already in the gaming business and Miguel already has his drones. Their stories intertwine and gel when Irma and sons become contestants.
I wasn’t sure if there was another option to your Dilemma– “Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again … or … I wasn’t sure if I missed something.
Pablo, overall I enjoyed your story and I look forward to seeing how it evolves. Nice job!
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</div>Thank you, Armand.
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Pablo,
May I provide SLW feedback on your concept and story? Please let me know.
Thank you,
John Budinscak
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Armand,
I enjoyed your story and I could easily see it when I read your structure. The story logic supports your interesting concept. And your structure addresses the Dramatic Question, Main Conflict and theme.
Given the unique relationship with Tyler, Maddie and the Killer, another Character Structure you may want to look at is the Dramatic Triangle. I reference this given how Tyler tried to ditch Maddie to save himself and his soul is cursed. Maddie’s fascination with stopping the killer – and how the two worked together in the Climax and your wonderful resolution.
I can see how Maddie is the force of change and that is a definition for Antagonist, but Maddie seems so much more to Tyler than that – and she doesn’t appear until the Midpoint. Plus you’ve got the Killer responsible for Tyler’s death still alive and coming back for more. But that’s the only comment I’ll make because I liked what I read.
Bottom line – I look forward to going to the movie theater and watching your film.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Armand,
I would appreciate the opportunity to provide feedback for you, and yes, please review mine as well. Thank you.
John Budinscak