[joe McGloin]

Thanks, Dawn, and I wish the same for you. Great to be at the beginning of this course with a group of committed writers. Lots of exciting possibilities for all of us.

[joe McGloin]

Hi all,

1. My name is Joe McGloin
2. I’ve written 8 scripts (that could still use a polish or 2) with 2 more in early (outline) stages, and have had one screenplay optioned
3. Since my “Achilles heel” is writing screenplays WAY too slowly, I hope to obtain AI tools to help me increase my speed so I am competitive in the market.
4. I truly enjoy living in Minneapolis, where the current temperature is 4. Go figure.

[joe McGloin]

I agree to all of the above.

[joe McGloin]

That should have read:

Title: Shivering Timbers
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Act 1:
When headstrong activist Ivy Greenfield chains herself to a centuries-old tree to stop a logging project, she collides with rugged foreman Logan Carter, whose family business depends on clearing the forest. A sudden storm traps them together, forcing them to uncover the truth behind a haunting local legend—the Shivering Timbers Curse.
Act 2:
As Ivy and Logan reluctantly team up to investigate cryptic carvings and ancestral secrets, sparks fly between them, despite their clashing values. The deeper they dig, the more they realize the curse ties their families’ pasts to the forest’s fate, threatening both their legacies and their budding romance.
Act 3:
With time running out, Ivy and Logan must confront their families, rally the town, and trust each other to protect the forest. Along the way, they learn that breaking the “curse” requires not only saving the land but healing old wounds—and risking their hearts.

[joe McGloin]

**Act 2:**
As Ivy and Logan reluctantly team up to investigate cryptic carvings and ancestral secrets, sparks fly between them, despite their clashing values. The deeper they dig, the more they realize the curse ties their families’ pasts to the forest’s fate, threatening both their legacies and their budding romance.

**Act 3:**
With time running out, Ivy and Logan must confront their families, rally the town, and trust each other to protect the forest. Along the way, they learn that breaking the “curse” requires not only saving the land but healing old wounds—and risking their hearts.

[joe McGloin]

Hi all,

I’m Joe McGloin

I’ve written 8 or 9 full length screenplays, one optioned, and wrote or co-wrote 3 shorts for the 48 Hour Film Festival.

I hope to continue to improve all facets of my writing so all of my screenplays can become marketable.

Something unique about me: It took me a week to figure out how to get into this site. Now, a fun race to get caught up. This is my favorite class by SU. The first one was fantastic. Looking forward to this one!!

[joe McGloin]

I agree to the terms

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s bigger story
What I learned doing this assignment is that Chat GPT is fairly good at creating storylines. I’m relying on it in these early stages due to time constraints.
1. Brainstorm at least 5 ideas for each of these and select the one or combination you like:
A. Interesting worlds for the movie/show setting:
1. A futuristic society where life extension technology is available but regulated
2. An exclusive resort island catering to the ultra-wealthy
3. A world where people can legally sell their remaining lifespan
4. A bustling international financial hub like Hong Kong or Singapore
5. A near-future where AI has taken over most legal work, leaving only complex human-centered cases
B. Major conflicts that could be happening:
1. A legal battle over the client’s vast fortune with estranged family members
2. Ethical dilemma over the client’s desire to try an illegal experimental treatment
3. Corporate espionage targeting the client’s company as they’re trying to settle affairs
4. The lawyer discovering her client’s wealth comes from morally questionable sources
5. A race against time to clear the client’s name in a high-profile scandal before they die
C. Intriguing situations the characters could be engaged in:
1. Planning an elaborate “living funeral” celebration
2. A globe-trotting bucket list adventure that challenges both characters
3. Navigating a complex web of trusts and shell companies to protect the client’s legacy
4. The client playing matchmaker for the lawyer while sorting out their own past regrets
5. Uncovering a long-buried secret that connects their pasts in unexpected ways

1. Motivation: The client, facing death, realizes the importance of human connection and doesn’t want the lawyer to make the same mistakes they did. This adds depth to their relationship, moving it beyond the professional realm.
2. Contrast: While the client is trying to set up the lawyer with potential partners, we can explore flashbacks or anecdotes from the client’s past failed relationships, creating a poignant contrast.
3. Complication: The lawyer might initially resist these matchmaking attempts, highlighting her relationship avoidance issues. This could create both humorous and emotionally charged situations.
4. Character growth: As the client shares wisdom gained from their regrets, the lawyer slowly opens up to the idea of relationships, showing character development.
5. Unexpected turns: The client’s matchmaking efforts could lead to unforeseen complications. Perhaps an introduced suitor becomes involved in the legal case, or the lawyer starts to develop feelings for someone inappropriate (like the client’s doctor or a family member).
6. Parallel storylines: While the client is arranging dates for the lawyer, they could also be reaching out to people from their past to make amends, providing a rich subplot.
7. Ethical dilemmas: The situation might blur professional boundaries, forcing the lawyer to navigate complex ethical considerations while also dealing with her personal growth.
8. Reversals: As the lawyer becomes more open to relationships, the client might have moments of bitterness or regret, adding layers to their dynamic.

Choice: Unexpected turns
Act 1:
• Opening: Introduce the jet-set lawyer and her wealthy, terminally ill client. Establish their professional relationship and hint at their personal issues with relationships.
• Inciting Incident: The client decides to play matchmaker for the lawyer, believing it’s part of their legacy to help her overcome her relationship avoidance.
• Turning Point: The lawyer reluctantly agrees to one date, thinking it will appease the client and end the matter.
Act 2:
• New plan: The client creates an elaborate matchmaking scheme, leveraging their connections to set up multiple potential suitors.
• Plan in action: The lawyer goes on a series of increasingly awkward dates, while the client reminisces about their own past relationships.
• Midpoint Turning Point: A particularly disastrous date leads to an emotional confrontation between the lawyer and client about their respective fears and regrets.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything: Both characters reflect on their behavior and motivations. The lawyer starts to see the value in opening up, while the client realizes they’re projecting their regrets.
• New plan: They decide to work together on addressing their relationship issues, with the client sharing wisdom and the lawyer taking small steps towards vulnerability.
• Turning Point: The lawyer meets someone she genuinely connects with, but discovers this person is entangled in the client’s legal affairs, creating a conflict of interest.
Act 4:
• Climax: The lawyer must choose between pursuing this potential relationship and maintaining professional ethics, all while the client’s health rapidly declines.
• Resolution: The lawyer makes a decision that demonstrates her personal growth. The client finds peace in seeing the positive change they’ve inspired. Their professional relationship evolves into a meaningful friendship in the client’s final days.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s RomCom project
What I learned doing this assignment is the story is more interesting than I had originally thought.
Day. Loves Christmas as it is about gift giving. Holds onto her money and things tightly. Loves the beauty of ice skating. Was an Olympic hopeful.
• Who is He? A nice guy whose wife died when they were 25, 3 years into marriage. Afraid of the same thing happening again.
• What makes them lovable? She cared for her grandfather in his last years. He helps a caregiver’s daughter through school. Leaves Christmas decorations up most of the year.
• What attracts them to each other? Christmas. Careful about money. Haven’t had anyone in their lives since mid-20’s. He gives gifts anonymously, so does she – coordinates the Secret Santa at her office. Their mutual interest in angels.
• What needs does each fulfill for the other?
• Him for her: a peer from the same culture, a good guy client, someone who asks when she will return who is not her mother. Someone to explore angels with.
• Her for him: a peer, someone who he can talk with about angels. Someone he can trust (with his money). Someone to explore angels with

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Rom Com Project
What I learned doing this assignment is I can keep going deeper with every element, taking it from basically boring and thin to more robust and interesting.

ASSIGNMENT:
Create your Concept and Conventions
1. Starting with whatever idea you have, fill in the blanks to create a concept:
Two People Who Belong Together: a dying man and his lawyer. He appears to be wealthy, but his wealth is suddenly depleted by identity theft. Later we discover that early in his career he received a windfall by using insider information, the start of his wealth building.
How Are They Separated: he is terminal, housebound and she is a jet setter
What Forces Them together: an angel who is assigned to help him across the border of death who makes little things happen surreptitiously, who risks being discovered every moment by his strict, by-the-book supervisor who tries to catch him in the act, and eventually does at the worst possible time.
Issues to be Resolved: their relationship is professional; he is dying; she develops a “terminal illness” that is a mistake – she over hears her doctor confide to his nurse that his dog, not the lawyer, has a terminal illness
On Their Journey of Love: her love cures his cancer; his love shows her the waste of time jet setting is.

2. Then fill in the blanks to create your conventions. Even though some of these are the same, it is worth looking at them in the context of the conventions.
• Experience of Falling In Love: the couple start at odds though with a few traits in common – hate Chinese food, love Italian, get weepy watching old movies, adore sunsets
• The Journey of Love: distant at first, then he helps her through her terminal illness scare. More time together during this horrific week draws them together, even though he is a terrible care giver, and she a prickly patient
• Relationship Set-up: she jumps at the chance at her firm to bag an apparently juicy, wealthy client, so they meet at his home
• Issues each must Resolve: she is his lawyer; she develops a “terminal illness”. They miss each other when they are not together, but won’t open up to each other. “I scare you, don’t I” he says at one turning point?
• Separation: he is homebound, she is a jet setter. Basically a nice guy, he depends on money for happiness, and is afraid women just want his money; she can’t sit still or her unfulfilled life crashes in on her. She always wanted to be a flamenco dancer – he hears “flamingo” and buys her a big one – needs work. He says what he feels, she is reserved
• How will Comedy be Expressed: his ineptness at caregiving; her freak out at her illness; her inability to relate to someone dying; his slingshots at objects representing her and getting caught at it after her observing but not realizing she is the symbolic target.

3. Edit both lists to improve the expression of the concept and conventions.
Concept:
• Two People Who Belong Together: the people in his life are his private care givers. In her life, men she can’t depend on for love (they love money) and women who want to marry them.
• How Are They Separated: she can’t stand to be around all that sickness.
• What Forces Them together: the angel who can see they belong together appears in different guises trying to get them to see how they are meant for each other – until he meets someone who is his “soul mate.”
• Issues to be Resolved: attraction/attachment to worldly things. A lesbian caregiver of his expresses interest in her and she freezes.
• On Their Journey of Love: they both lose interest in money.

.
Conventions:
• Experience of Falling In Love: They are both closed to a meaningful relationship, preferring to stay distant.
• The Journey of Love: they continue to disagree about many things that come up in their lawyer/client relationship
• Relationship Set-up: She is appalled at the sickness and can barely stay in the room with him. He thinks she is flighty and weak.
• Issues each must Resolve: fear of intimacy for both
• Separation: The gulf between them seems huge but they keep coming back
• How will Comedy be Expressed: how she keeps reacting to his being sick, can’t watch him get care, can’t sit where dirty clothes have been, etc.

[joe McGloin]

1. Name: Joe McGloin
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 7
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Learn how to write an excellent RomCom that will make it to the screen.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I used to write for children.

[joe McGloin]

I agree to the terms of this release.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Phone Pitch

What I learned from this lesson is what used to feel daunting now feels relatively easy and do-able. It’s mostly putting together puzzle pieces that are the various elements.

1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:

Lead with credibility.

2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.

Hi, I’m Joe McGloin, an optioned screenwriter, and I wonder if I could run a short pitch by you. I have a RomCom titled “The Guardian Angel Affair.” A future vice president has a guardian angel whose assignment is terminated when he falls in love with her, jeopardizing her life mission.

3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:

What’s the budget range? Low Budget 3-5M

Who do you see in the main roles? Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg

How many pages is the script? 94

Who else has seen this? No one

Why do you think this fits our company? You do Romcoms in the budget range

How does the movie end?

Max has died so Jane can forget him and fulfill her mission. But he is allowed to return to his body to pilot a new Guardian Angel program from earth, and they are re-united.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned is I knew nothing about potential stars, never even considering them. I am confident that I have a good pitch simply from stringing together earlier lessons, like building it from a parts kit.

1. Tell us your credibility.

I am an optioned screenwriter.

2. Tell us your genre and title.

I have a RomCom titled “The Guardian Angel Affair” (or “The Angels Are Losing”).

3. What is your one or two sentence hook?

He helps her become Vice President. She helps him resolve the problem of Guardian Angels losing their effectiveness with humanity.

4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:

What is
the budget range?

Low Budget

What
actors do you like for the lead roles?

Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg (Celeste and Jesse Forever)

Kelly MacDonald and David Tennant (The Decoy Bride)

Give me
the acts of the story.

While Guardian Angel Clarence tries to save a floundering Guardian Angel Program, brand new Guardian Angel Max tries to reject his assignment, an independent woman whose life mission is to become VP.

Thrown together into cut-throat politics, they clash until she can’t take anymore and suggests they steer clear of each other.

Max falls in love with her. His dilemma: abandon his love for her (and stay true to his role), or abandon his role (keeping his love for her – with unknown consequences for Jane’s future)?

How does
it end? (setup / payoff).

Max is allowed to return to his body and is authorized to pilot a program where the individual and their Angel can travel back and forth between Heaven and Earth.

Credibility
questions What have you done?

Optioned a book adaptation

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is building a query letter is easy when you have all the elements.

He helps her become Vice President. She helps him resolve a problem he and the other angels have with humanity.

A couple of angels who don’t see eye to eye have to work together on a serious assignment – a future vice president. .

Max, fresh out of Cherub School where things didn’t go so well has to take on a human body for this special Guardian Angel assignment. He would rather have fun in his angel body.

That’s a privilege he abuses so his superior Clarence confines him to his body – yet still demands that Max do his job.

While struggling to guard this special human, Jane, he falls in love with her.

Now Max has a problem: sacrifice his love to continue his Guardian Angel role so she can become the vice president, or continue the relationship and fail his assignment, with unknown consequences to Jane’s future.

Joe is an optioned screenwriter. If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.

Thank you.

Joseph McGloin

Contact info…

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is that my story line may not have the impact I imagined it would while writing it. Also, so many approaches to pitching make it easier to find just the right one.

High Concept:

Will a Guardian Angel who falls in love with his charge have to sacrifice himself for her to reform politics?

Elevator Pitch:

I’m finishing a Romcom about a woman who helps her Guardian Angel solve a problem the Angels have with humanity.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s easy to write a synopsis using a batch of hooks properly sequenced.

Hooks:

An angel who helps the Guardian Angel program with assistance from a human

Both protagonist and antagonist are angels, but neither gets along with the other

Protagonist needs lessons in having a human body

Max has to choose between love and letting go of love

Max can no longer leave his body

Max must die to express his love

Clarence has Max and Jane pilot the humans visiting Heaven program

Synopsis draft:

A couple of angels who don’t see eye to eye have to work together on a serious assignment – a future vice president. .

Max, fresh out of Cherub School where things didn’t go so well has to take on a human body for this unusual Guardian Angel assignment. He would rather have fun in his angel body.

That’s a privilege he abuses so Clarence confines him to his body – yet still demands that Max do his job.

While struggling to guard this special woman, he falls in love with her. And she has budding feelings for him.

Now Max has a problem: sacrifice his love to continue his Guardian Angel role so she can become the vice president, or continue the relationship and fail his assignment, with unknown consequences to Jane’s mission.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned doing this assignment is listing the most interesting things highlights the best parts of the story.

The list:

Both protagonist and antagonist are angels, but neither gets along with the other

Protagonist tries to turn down his assignment

Protagonist needs lessons in having a human body

When Jane declares her love, Max rebuffs it for the good of all

Max has to choose between love and letting go of love

Max can no longer leave his body

Max must die to express his love

George tries to ruin Jane’s reputation

Clarence has Max and Jane pilot the humans visiting Heaven program

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin Meets Producer/Manager

What I learned today is how different the needs are for each, and therefore I need to carefully word my approach to each.

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?

I am an optioned screenwriter with a RomCom titled “The Guardian Angel Affair. A future Vice President has a Guardian Angel whose assignment is terminated when he falls in love with her. In a twist on Angel movies, she is able to help the Angels with a problem they have with humanity.” I am available for writing assignments.

2. How will you present yourself and your project to a manager?

I am an optioned screenwriter with a RomCom. I write full time, am flexible, and willing to do writing assignments. I will do what it takes to get a film made.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Project and Market

What I learned today is I have a second part to the concept that should interest producers because it hasn’t been addressed before.

1. Give us your Genre, Title, and Concept:

Genre: Rom Com

Title: The Guardian Angel Affair

Concept: A future vice president has a guardian angel whose assignment is terminated when he falls in love with her.

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story:

A future vice president has Guardian Angel Max who doesn’t like his assignment to an independent woman who helps Max rejuvenate the troubled Guardian Angel program

3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target

Producers first because I have over 600 in my network, I am not ready for a manager, and I have no idea how to approach actors production companies.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Credibility is going up.

I have updated my LinkedIn page

I will increase the number of producers in my Linkedin network, improve my writing sample, and get a coverage recommend.

What I learned doing this assignment is I have more credibility than I thought but less than I need.

CREDIBILITY CHECKLIST

1. Your Writing Sample

‘Recommend’ from Coverage – no
Delivers on the genre in a strong way
– yes
Delivers on the business decisions – yes

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments

Contest wins – no
Smaller deals (options, sales, writing
assignments) 1 option
Larger deals – no
Movies produced – several shorts

3. The Google factor

Google your name. How many items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter? – 1

Buzz posts, interviews, news reports, etc.. – no

4. Your Network

How many producers are in your
network? 600 +
How many Connections do you have who
are connected to producers? No idea

5. Education specific to screenwriting

Degree in film or screenwriting – no
Master Screenwriter Certificate
program at ScreenwritingU – yes

6. Borrowed Credibility

Represented by an agent or manager – no
Working with a producer – yes
Connected to a star – no
Connected to a funding source – no

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s projects and insights

What I learned from the opening video is there are thousands of producers out there who we can contact directly and work with without an agent; the pay is so-so but a great way to gently break into the industry

Project 1 (completed screenplay):

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Title: The Guardian Angel Affair.

Logline: A Guardian Angel who falls in love with his charge is removed his position

Project 2 (idea):

Genre: Fantasy

Title: Mirror Man

Logline: A man who is a perfect mirror for people is hounded by his detractors until the wisdom of his gift is discovered.

Synopsis: working on it.

[joe McGloin]

Hi all,

I’m Joe McGloin. I’ve taken many SU classes over the past 10 or so years. Written 8 screenplays, one an adaptation that was recently optioned (Yay!) by the non-fiction book’s author turned novice screenwriter turned novice producer (I know. It’s a long story spanning almost 10 years).

I hope to freshen my rusty marketing skills.

Something unique: I moved to Minnesota 3 years ago after living my entire previous life in Maryland for 70 years. That makes me…old : ) .

[joe McGloin]

I Joseph McGloin agree to the terms of the release form

[joe McGloin]

I’m ready to exchange my Romcom.

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is HOLY MOLY CANNOLI my writing must be (was?) boring! I had 541 edits (that is not a typo!) and that’s not counting anything less than 15 instances of repetition which I may not even get to as I am exhausted. A marathon of tedium from which I need a break., though I still have 90 instances of “ing,” (down from 226), to address.

Is the screenplay better? I hope so. I have to go back now and make sure the characters still sound like themselves, and that I haven’t sacrificed clarity for brevity or substitution.

Sorry, I’m just too tired to pick out 3 edits I like.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin has Tested Every Line

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is my descriptions are far too detailed. It took me a week to pare it down. In the future I will be aware of this and simplify it right off the bat.

5. Tell us how much of a difference this made for your script.

Cutting out almost 3 pages makes for a cleaner, simpler, faster read

6. Give us the before-and-after on the scene where you made the biggest changes.

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

JANE PRESDEN, 30’s, modestly dressed, with the confident stride of a political revolutionary. She swings open the door, delivers a cool, distant

JANE

Morning

­to office mates. She weaves through “Sam Sardoni, House of Delegates” placards, a printer spewing data bases, past knots of political types in tense conversations and white boards with last week’s priority list.

KIT, 40’s, office manager and headquarters glue, spots Jane heading for her office and double-times to head her off at the pass, armed with a stack of reports. Steps in her path. Jane screeches to a halt. As she hands over the pile

KIT

Last week’s polls. Dems at forty-three percent and rising. Indies holding at forty. We have a chance.

Jane juggles the load as she passes the office of FISH, 50’s, veteran of local political wars and not above bending any law to fit his agenda.

He pops his head out.

FISH

JANE!

She makes a sharp left to face him. He points to her polls.

FISH

Sam wants to know how he’s doing. Bring him up to speed.

Opening the top report on the stack.

JANE

Ten minutes to get settled.

AFTER:

_INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY_

_”Sam Sardoni, House of Delegates” placards line the cubicled hall. Everyone’s nose to the grindstone. A printer spews data bases. _

_JANE PRESDEN, 30’s, modestly dressed, skulks in with the minced steps of an invisible wanna be. The door banging behind her announces her entry. She blushes, delivers a cool, distant_

_JANE_

_Morning _

_­to office mates who couldn’t care less._

_KIT, 20’s, office manager and headquarters glue, spots Jane heading for her office and double-times to head her off at the pass. _

_Jane screeches to a halt. Kit dumps a stack of reports on her. _

_KIT_

_Last week’s polls. Dems at forty-three percent and rising. Indies holding at forty. We have a chance._

_Jane juggles the load as she passes the office of _

_FISH, 50’s, veteran of local political wars and not above bending any law to fit his agenda, sticks his head out. Points to her armload._

_FISH_

_Sam wants to know how he’s doing. _

_JANE_

_Ten minutes to get settled?_

_FISH_

_Four. And don’t spill anything on it this time. And this time TAKE A BREATH MINT. _

_Kit follows Jane. _

_KIT_

_You ever wonder if we could do better than these guys?_

_Jane shakes her head._

_JANE_

_Don’t have to wonder. _

_KIT_

_Hey. I could use a wing woman at Rusty’s tonight._

_Her best shot at a twerk. _

_KIT_

_My treat. _

_Jane nods. Slips into her cubicle where the sign reads: Jane Presden, ­LPA Beneath that, “Lowly Political Aide.”_

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin has Amazing Dialogue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is reading just dialogue helps it stand out. Reading all the way through with descriptions can take me off track from, or water down, the line delivery.

3. Tell us how many lines you elevated

9

Your wardrobe is from the last decade.

Your wardrobe from your mother?

I’m your wing woman.

I’m your…flying woman

Push a button and we’re in the clear.

Push a button and I’m in the clear. I like it. Simple.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin has incredible Monologues

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is how understanding the elements makes it relatively easy to create a monologue at just the right time and place in the screenplay.

Using the steps above, write a monologue for each of your lead characters.

Clarence:

3. Tell us the setup for the scene, then present the scene, including the monologue.

Max is not taking his role seriously to the detriment of his charge. His superior pointe out how his lack of caring will be detrimental to the life of his charge

4. Present these elements for each monologue.

Demanded by the situation: Max is
about to take on his assignment about which he doesn’t care
Takes us to a deeper place: Max
realizes his charge is about to experience a life-altering situation that
he can help with – if he chooses
Turning point: Max has descended to
earth and is about to start his task
Emotional: Max has a dawning
realization of the magnitude of his assignment
High stakes: if he doesn’t do his job,
his human charge will be unnecessarily smashed professionally and suffer
unnecessary consequences.
A beginning, middle, and ending:
Clarence has had it with Max’s lackluster approach to his first, important
assignment. He explains the ripple effect of Max’s lack of care. Max has a
dawning realization of the potential magnitude of his task.

5. Share the monologue with us.

CLARENCE

You have been foisted on me with no training to take on a complicated soul’s journey with barely an ounce of care as to her fate.

Grabs two slices of bread from the refrigerator and pops them into the toaster.

CLARENCE

In my place, Max, what would you do?

Makes a bowl of cereal as

CLARENCE

Drop everything to spoon-feed an uncaring angel to help him sort out his feelings while he decides if he will deign to lift a finger to help his assignment from on high?

Sets cutlery onto the table.

CLARENCE

Or would you get back to your vital tasks now backed up so as to be nearly impossible to complete?

Slathers the toasts with butter and slides them onto a plate.

Pulls a chair out for Max.

CLARENCE

Sit down to breakfast. I must return to my work

Splashes orange juice into a glass and slams it onto the table. Gradually fades as

CLARENCE

­because I know that every task has a ripple effect that stretches in every direction throughout eternity.

Gone. The words crack Max’s facade.

Max:

3. Tell us the setup for the scene, then present the scene, including the monologue.

Max has realized that he must let go of his romantic feelings and not enter a relationship with Jane.

4. Present these elements for each monologue.

Demanded by the situation: The two are
inching toward starting a romance
Takes us to a deeper place: Max’s
words are more about his role as her Guardian Angel than about them.
Turning point: Max has learned the importance
of his role
Emotional: it has a feeling of a break
up even though they haven’t been on a date
High stakes: Both Max’s future and
Jane’s depends on it
A beginning, middle, and ending: It
starts with Jane expressing some of her feelings. Then Max says why they
should avoid the relationship. Then Jane is furious, slaps him and leaves

1. Share the monologue with us.

2.

3.

4. MAX

5. I have a job to do, Jane. That job is helping you. That’s number one. If I complicate it, if I take my eyes off the prize, what happens? Things start going wrong. And all the time that it’s taken to get to here, everything that’s been set up over the years, it’s all in jeopardy. One domino falls, and they all follow. I know it doesn’t seem like all that would happen, and maybe it wouldn’t. But I’m not willing to take that chance. I know what’s at stake. I’ve learned how fragile things are in this world. How one decision can cause what looks like a brick building to fall like a house of cards. I can’t. I have to say no to romance.

Jane:

3. Tell us the setup for the scene, then present the scene, including the monologue.

Jane has been tapped for VP after her boss’s running mate has a stroke.

4. Present these elements for each monologue.

Demanded by the situation: Jane has to
decide if she is willing to step into the limelight
Takes us to a deeper place: Jane is
recognized at an international level
Turning point: Jane is tapping into
her life mission with the help of her Guardian Angel
Emotional: Jane is excited and frightened,
and realizes she needs to open to a relationship
High stakes: the Presidential election
now is partially dependent on her decision
A beginning, middle, and ending. Toby
has a stroke. The presidential
candidate taps Jane. Jane has to decide quickly.

5. Share the monologue with us.

MAX

How does “VP” feel?

Jane stands. Pours herself a shaky glass of water. Stares out the window as she drinks.

JANE

Scary. And…right, somehow. I’m just one person. I don’t run with the big dogs. I don’t even know them, who they are, or who they’re married to, or what they would fight to the death for. I don’t have the armor it takes to stand up to them, to not react to their awful attacks. But I do know Jerry Nelson. And I stand with her.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin is great at Subtext Pointers

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is this is fairly easy and light if you wear your sarcastic hat, which is easier in a comedy (like my Romcom), and becomes more poignant and refined in dramatic situations. It feels like the more at stake, the more powerful the subtext.

3. With each of those scenes, brainstorm ways you might use a Subtext Pointer to bring that meaning to the audience’s attention and use the ones you like.

SUBTEXT POINTER METHODS

Metaphor
Implication
Insinuation
Hint
Sarcasm
Allusion

.

Make a list of your 5 favorite Subtext Pointer changes and for each one, tell us:

<div>
Before lines:
After lines:
</div><div>

</div>

Before: Like computers on earth.

After: Like computers on earth. Only easier. (insinuating Clarence isn’t adept at this.)

Before: Aren’t we quick to judge!

After: Not that we are quick to judge.

Before:

MAX

Independent. They don’t take orders well.

CLARENCE

We don’t give orders.

After:

MAX

Independent. They don’t take orders well.

CLARENCE

Something you know nothing about.

Before:

MAX

What if I refuse? If I just say no?

Clarence thumbs at a billowy white cloud on the horizon

After:

MAX

What if I refuse? If I just say no?

Clarence

We will roll out the red carpet and sound the trumpets!

Before: Clarence

Let’s see if we can appeal this.

MAX

That’s possible?

CLARENCE

Let’s hope so.

After: Clarence

Let’s see if we can appeal this.

MAX

That’s possible?

CLARENCE

If it’s not, may I rest in peace.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin loves Covering Subtext

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is covering subtext is something is something I already do a lot, so I didn’t mark the few places I added a sentence. I was just happy to see I already did it in most scenes. Good to know I learned anticipatory dialogue and subtext covering in the past and am making good use of them in my dialogue. Though I still worry that I have far too much dialogue and need more description and other ways to convert dialogue to action.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin loves Anticipatory Dialogue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is that I already do that – a lot. I didn’t mark down the few places I could add something. I’m happy to see it is a strength of mine as I tend to be dialogue heavy and that is always a concern to me.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Dialogue Structures

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is I need a lot of work with this because I found very few places and no full scenes, which means despite my best efforts, I am protecting my draft work. Humbling, but I’ll work on it.

2. Identify all the scenes in your script that could be driven by the dialogue.

3. Use the Dialogue Structures and rewrite at least one scene each to have a major impact through this structure.

A. Setup / Major Twist
B. Opposite Meanings in Dialogue
C. Subtext Drives the Meaning
D. Deeper Layer Opposes Dialogue

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Counterattack Dialogue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is my already dialogue-heavy so this exercise did not lend itself to being done except for a couple of short scenes – different objectives and different realities.

3. Give the characters opposing viewpoints.

Different perspectives
Different objectives
Different realities
Different emotional states
Different philosophies
Different issues

4. From those differences, create conversations with back and forth banter in your scenes.

5. Give us one scene where you did Attack/Counterattack dialogue well.

INT. NATIONAL DEMOCRATIC HEADQUARTERS – MAINTENANCE – DAY

Max follows a MAINTENANCE WOMAN to the key cabinet. She reads a

Cell PHONE LIST.

MAINTENANCE WOMAN

People think all we do is clean up. There’s more to janitorial work.

MAX

(whispers)

It’s best if we keep this quiet.

MAINTENANCE WOMAN

Keys are important. You can’t do much without them.

MAX

(softly)

This is an internal investigation, so…

MAINTENANCE WOMAN

So you need me. White collar people don’t like to admit that.

MAX

(whispers)

I’m not people, so you and I are good.

She matches a key to short sub-list that reads: “Odessa, D, Mentary, G.”

MAINTENANCE WOMAN

Best I can do, sir. We are good.

Clicks off her phone.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Elevated Dialogue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is that when I pay close attention to the character traits, the dialogue changes to reflect the character, and I have a lot of lines that could be said by anyone, in the early drafts.

2. Follow these steps to rewrite any generic lines from your lead characters.

Select a lead character.
Pull out their character profile and
read it.
Go to the first dialogue line for this
character. Read it.
Ask, “Could that line be said by
anyone else?”
If so, using that character’s profile,
brainstorm other possible ways to say the line.
Rewrite it, then move to the next line
by this character.

3. Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character

and give us three of your favorites just for fun.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Elevated Interest

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is when I focus on the techniques I can often find one or two or even three more I haven’t used yet, and they don’t disrupt the scene which is my first reaction to using them.

2. With the above set of interest techniques, go to the most important scenes in your script and brainstorm ways to build in more interest techniques.

Scene 1: Added an internal dilemma
that will haunt the hero throughout the story.
Scene 4: Introduced the Antagonist
through a mystery.

· Structure

Opening:
Inciting incident: character changes radically,
uncomfortable moment, suspense
Turning point 1: misinterpretation,
internal dilemma, surprise
Turning point 2: character
changes radically, surprise, uncomfortable moment
Turning point 3: more
interesting setting, misinterpretation, character changes radically

Lead character introductions:

Max:
Jane:
Clarence: uncomfortable
moment, surprise

Reveals –

Max failed Cherub
Jane feels love relationships
will derail her mission: – betrayal, uncomfortable moment
Clarence failed Cherub:
mislead, reveal, surprise
Max must always wear a body,
losing contact w/ Heaven:
betrayal, uncomfortable moment
Clarence pushes a questionable
plan:
Jane loves Max:
misinterpretation, character changes radically, uncomfortable moment,
Max tells her he is her
Guardian Angel:

3. Select the best ideas and rewrite those key scenes to double or triple their level of engagement!

5. Post a list of the changes you made to the forums.

Etc..

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Elevated Emotion

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is opening to changing the scene and then being relaxed about the changes yields good results.

Elevate as many scenes as you can to make them more emotional for the audience. With each one, label them like this:

Scene Essence: Jane introduced, arrives at work :

How Intensified: Jane is bullied, humiliated, and triggered.

Scene Essence: Max plays with being an angel and doesn’t get the response he expects from Jane

How intensified: Struggle, distress

Scene essence: Jane not ready for dating

Experiencing
Distress: Jane can’t hear what Kit says at a bar
Struggle:
Jane starts dancing then stops
Loss/Disappointments:

Redemption:
Jane apologizes to George and gives him another chance

Scene Essence: Max and Clarence fight; Max has little feeling for his charge

Sacrifice:
Clarence will give up his day’s work to tutor Max
Trust and
Betrayal: Max refuses to do anything further on his assignment
Needs violated: Clarence
suggests Max take a vacation
Values
violated:
Goals violated: Clarence indicates
becoming an Archy is now out of reach

Scene Essence: Jane offers Max a duty that he misinterprets as wanting his heavy-handed help.

Raise the
stakes: Jane will let Max go
Make it
more painful: Max insults her for all to hear
Multiply
the impact on others: Jane will give up being with men all together
Put them
in a worse situation: Jane suggests Max stop all contact with her.

Scene essence: Jane starts her new job, a promotion to the main office

Raise the
stakes: The email has specific dates (all lies)
Increase
opposition: Signed by several people
Add more
hope and/or fear: Impossible to refute
Put them
in a worse situation: bought a townhouse with the raise

Scene Essence: Clarence updates the hierarchy on a looming crisis

Experiencing Distress: Clarence fidgets, becomes impatient

Struggle: They don’t hear him very well

Loss/Disappointment: They leave without giving guidance

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin loves character depth! Joe McGloin’s Dramatic Reveals

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to be more clear about what the romantic story is, THEN overlay it with the political story. That I hadn’t set up very many of the reveals very well, and focusing on them brought that out and allowed me to both set them up better (and in one case, set it up completely as it had no set up), and present them more dramatically.

2. Make a list of all the reveals in your script.

Max flunked Cherub

Max falls for her

She falls for him

Max must end the relationship or be terminated in his assignment

Breaking up will cause Jane to go off her mission

Max must die

Max must teaches Jane how to leave her body so she can do her part of the pilot program

3. With each one, answer these questions:

A. What is the DEMAND?
B. What is being REVEALED?
C. How is it presented
DRAMATICALLY?

Max flunked Cherub

What is the DEMAND?

Not set up yet- he’s the only one from Cherub who landed there in the GA program

What is being REVEALED?

That Max flunked Cherub

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

During an argument where Max is ridiculed before his peers.

Max falls for her

What is the DEMAND?

Max has close contact with Jane as her GA

What is being REVEALED?

That he has fallen in love with her

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

With the painting scene

She falls for him

What is the DEMAND?

The intrigue she feels after she catches him half in his body, and her curiosity about his devotion to her alone

What is being REVEALED?

That she loves him

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

In the deli scene where she fumbles verbally and the election night scene where he prepares to leave

Max must end the relationship or be terminated in his assignment

What is the DEMAND?

Clarence explains that he has to stay emotionally balanced with his charge

As Max has to deal more with being in his body, he has more “human” feelings, and says something to that effect

Max has to choose between his feelings and his duty

What is being REVEALED?

He must remain detached or lose his position and return to Cherub

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

It’s not. In the scene where Clarence is helping him with breakfast and adjust to other body things, he tells Max. More dramatically: Even when he doesn’t see a red light, he interferes with her experiences

Breaking up causes Jane to go off her mission

What is the DEMAND?

To know why Max is her GA and who is she that she gets him for that role

What is being REVEALED?

She is an historically important person

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

She will leave politics altogether

Max must die

What is the DEMAND?

Max could not control his feelings and must return to Heaven and Cherub again, so someone else can take over Jane.

What is being REVEALED?

He must die to go back to Heaven because he chose love, his love feelings – be more clear about that

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

He dies in Jane’s arms

Max must teach Jane how to leave her body so she can do her part of the pilot program

What is the DEMAND?

Jane and Max are to be the pilot program.

What is being REVEALED?

That Jane can come and go to Heaven

How is it presented DRAMATICALLY?

Max shows her how to contemplate, to leave her body, which he says everyone does but this is n a more controlled way

4. For any that don’t have strong answers to the above, brainstorm ways to create more demand or reveal dramatically and rewrite the scene.

5. Tell us how you improved each scene – demand, reveal, and/or written dramatically

All in yellow.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin loves character depth! Joe McGloin loves character depth

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is there is always room for improvement, and when it’s broken down into small steps, the improvements are easier.

è Assignment: changes/improvements are in RED

Use each of the Character Depth Tools to discover what you can.

Depth Tool 1: Lay out your character storylines and elevate.

Max:

Doesn’t want to have this person

Accepts her rather than return to Cherub school

Finds she is special (finds he can’t stand her independence)

Is bound in his body for abusing his ability to influence

Discovers how he can really help her if he chooses to

Falls in love with her

Dies to leave her to her mission

Rejoins her for the pilot program

Teaches her how to travel out of her body

Jane:

She is a political aide who shuns relationships

Makes a date then breaks it saying she feels he was too pushy making the date

Jane discovers being the fall guy for a bad gun bill through Max and improves the bill

Shoves Max aside as little help then offers Max a place as consultant

Clashes with Max over bill’s effectiveness

Catches Max being forced into his body and becomes curious about him, the beginning and sustaining element to their romance

Offered Federal level position

Jane earns Max’s respect for being a good influence

Jane’s feelings for Max have grown and she fumbles through her admission

Jane is devastated by Max’s ending their mutual romantic feelings for the good of the country

Jane’s politician is wrongly accused and Jane saves the day through her friend

Jane tells Max she can’t move forward being VP without him

Jane is devastated by Max’s death

Jane decides to forget politics for a while

Jane is ecstatic that Max is alive and marries him

Jane learns how to travel to Heaven

Clarence

Max is forced on him

Tries to get Max taken off Jane’s case

Clarence refuses to help Max

Clarence spills the beans to all about Cherub school for Max

He reports to Archys the growing ineffectiveness of the GA program

He is given the job of resolving it

Makes Max stay in his body

Tells Max he needs to let go of his feelings or he will be replaced

Tries to get Max to die to save Jane from ruining her mission, while with mixed feelings he Expresses his admiration for Max becoming a good GA

Comes up with the plan to save the GA program

Sees Jane’s future

Clarence adopts a pilot program that the Archys must accept

Has Max and Jane be the pilot program

Depth Tool 2: What are they hiding from me?

Max – Likes having a body; he finds it “grounding”

Jane – Feels liars should be imprisoned

Clarence – He would refuse to leave his position

Depth Tool 3: How can this story trigger the character?

Max – He would do anything to stay on earth

Jane – She will even turn in her bosses and friends for lying

Clarence – Solidifies his position

3. Make any changes that will elevate your characters or the expression of those characters.

4. Tell us the changes you made using these tools.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin has finished Act IV

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is if the story is set up well, the end has an inevitable feel and is fun to write

How it’s going: finishing draft one is satisfying. I look forward to draft 2

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin continues Act IV

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is to just keep going and things naturally fall into place

How it’s going: Still lots of dialogue, but coming up on the exciting conclusion. Everything moving fast. Pretty cool.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin starting Act IV

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is Act 4 has good momentum

How it’s going: Tooling along. The end is in sight so it’s easier to just keep going.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin finishing Act III

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is to relax about dealing with the story issues that arise, like having to foreshadow elements that seem to appear out of nowhere, because they will be dealt with down the road. I have confidence they will.

How it’s going: I have apparently already been using many of the speed writing skills when writing my first drafts, except that the process used to be quite painful – I called it giving birth [like I would know – HA!] And I did not use an outline. Those are two keys to making this part of the process quite enjoyable.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin continuing Act III

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep keeping on. Don’t stop enjoying watching the story and characters unfold

How it’s going: I’m surprised to find that I am following all the speed writing rules but not writing fast. I’ll just toss that realization into the “isn’t that interesting!” file and soldier on.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin began Act III

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is stay confident. Have fun.

How it’s going: It’s going fast-er, which is a main goal.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin completed Act II

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is to just keep going and don’t word smith. Assume I will successfully complete the scene and be okay with 30%

How it’s going: The writing is going fine. The speed writing not so much. When I try to speed up I stay short and dialogue-driven, skimming the surface of the scene. Being behind makes me focus on finishing the scene more than the speed. But I’m trying to do the speed thing as best I can. This is a new skill that I will have to work on more.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin continuing Act II

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is to trust my outline and make minor corrections along the way, keeping to the overall storyline as it is a good one. My characters need fleshing out and there are story gaps but I don’t care. I will handle them later. This is a good process to get the first draft out.

How it’s going: Better than the beginning scenes. Mostly dialogue-driven, as usual, and slow as I am figuring out the details along the way, but feels like going at a good clip.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin began Act II

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is my outline has more meat in it once I got past the opening scenes. I default to dialogue-heavy writing which I hope I can turn into action and description later. We’ll see.

My Experience: I can’t
write fast when my outline is so vague that I have to provide details as I go.
I write fast when I slow down or start to word smith, then catch myself. That

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s finished Act I

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned doing this assignment is without the pressure of first draft perfection, writing is fun. I am behind but it doesn’t matter because I don’t let it matter. So I am just enjoying the writing process and wondering how I’m going to stretch a very short first draft into 90 pages in later drafts, as I always somehow manage to do.

I didn’t like my turning point but wasn’t sure why until I looked up the purpose and discovered my hunch was right – the scene did not lock the protagonist into the journey. Now it does. Good for me.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s High Speed Writing Rules Day 3

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

Title: Will This Angel?

Genre: RomCom

Concept: A future female vice president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

How the assignment went for me: Ok. My 30% quality is about 90% dialogue, which I will fix later, making it action with interest techniques. I know because that is my MO. Very short, dialogue-driven early drafts expanded and shaped later.

How it went using the rules: Well. Every time I slowed down, I remembered, Just keep going. Very freeing. I like first drafts now. Years ago they felt like painful births. I was the writer who didn’t like writing but liked having written.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s High Speed Writing Rules Day 2

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

Title: Will This Angel?

Genre: RomCom

Concept: A future female vice president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

How the assignment went for me: It went fast because the outline is extremely thin here owing to putting just a few of the elements from all the previous lessons. Looking forward to later drafts when I can beef things up. Not a big deal; my first drafts are nearly always short.

How it went using the rules: It went very fast because 1) I used the high speed writing rules and 2) because the outline is so thin, the entire scene as outlined only took one half page.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s High Speed Writing Rules

What I learned doing this assignment: It is freeing to write fast without word smithing as I go along. I started to twice, caught myself, and got back into the flow. As I suspected, the scene was short and I combined two scenes to get one scene with enough “meat” to make a satisfying attempt.

How it went using the rules: Considering I was shooting for 30%, it went well.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s first scene

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

Title: Will This Angel?

Genre: RomCom

Concept: A future female vice president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

:

How the assignment went for me: I wanted to add to the scene that is a bit thin and vague, but I stuck with it and ended up with an ok version, probably 30% of what it can be eventually.

What I learned from doing this assignment: In the future I will add to the outline more of the elements covered in the lessons and get very specific as to events, rather than assume I can take generalities from the outline and fill in the specifics in later drafts. I imagine my first draft will be short as a result.

[joe McGloin]

<div>Hello, I’m ready for feedback. I have a romantic comedy.
</div><div>

</div><div>

Concept:

A future female president has a guardian angel who
abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

</div>

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin makes every scene fascinating

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how easy it is to add the interest techniques in ways that make the story more intense.

ACT I

1. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: New Guardian Angel Max (Interesting setting) flips through videos of potential assignments

Middle: Max is a picky and heavy-handed Angel (surprise)

End: Max appears uninterested in any possible Guardian Angel assignments (uncertainty)

2. INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Jane enters her office, breezily greeting co-workers as a superior would (mislead)

Middle: Jane nearly barricades herself in her corner cubical, exhaling in relief (superior position)

End: Jane is a low-level political aide (reveal) with intimacy issues

INCITING INCIDENT

3. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Max can be assigned to Jane despite his protests or it’s back to Cherub School (external dilemma)

Middle: Max weights his options while arguing with his assigner Clarence (suspense)

End: Max reluctantly grabs his assignment sheet, balls it up and tosses it at Clarence (surprise)

4. INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Jane picks up Max’s upset as a cold wind (surprise)

Middle: Jane has a positive reaction, surprising her, and a ray of light links the two (uncertainty)

End: Jane takes down one of the barriers she erected in her cubicle (surprise)

5. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence emotionally appeals Max’s assignment but loses (Twist)

Middle: Clarence takes out his displeasure with a hurricane (uncomfortable moment)

End: Clarence glares at Max who prepares to leave for his assignment (superior position)

6. INT. BAR – DAY

Beginning: Jane enters a bar with a co-worker (surprise)

Middle: She confides to a co-worker that relationships interfere with careers (external dilemma)

End: Jane reluctantly makes a date (suspense)

7. INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Max in a physical body tests Jane with intrusive physical tricks (uncertainty)

Middle: Jane seems to feel his presence (suspense)

End: Jane turns each intrusion to her advantage (surprise)

8. INT. BAR – DAY

Beginning: Jane’s suitor gives her a cold stare as he brushes by her (suspense)

Middle: Jane shares with her co-worker that she stood up her date (surprise)

End: Co-worker slides away from this lady with serious relationship issues (mystery).

9. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

TURNING POINT

Beginning: Jane is the fall guy for a poorly prepared bill (betrayal)

Middle: Despite Max’s pleas to Clarence for assistance, Clarence just watches (Intrigue)

End: Max realizes he’s on his own (uncomfortable moment)

ACT II

10. INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Beginning: Max is no help to Jane in keeping her out of political harm’s way (uncomfortable moment)

Middle: Jane is confident in her ability to keep herself out of harm’s way (suspense)

End: Jane enlists a trusted co-worker for a last minute response to the attempt on her career (uncertainty)

11. INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – NIGHT

Beginning: Max watches Jane work hard and fast to re-write the bill (major twist)

Middle: Jane is sharp, focused, and resilient during her all-nigh marathon response to the attack on her career (suspense)

End: without resorting to dirty tricks, Jane’s response is admirable to Max (surprise).

12. EXT. HEAVAN – DAY

Beginning: Things come to a head between Max and Clarence (suspense)

Middle: Max accuses Clarence of setting him Max up for failure (intrigue)

End: Clarence spills the beans to all listening that Max failed Cherub, that’s why he’s been given to Clarence for a different assignment (betrayal)

13. INT. STATE CONGRESS BUILDING – DAY

Beginning: The revised bill is presented to Congress (suspense)

Middle: Jane’s co-workers are outed as nasty blame-shifters (betrayal)

End: The bill passes and Jane is not only vindicated but shown to be an exemplary worker (major twist)

14. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Beginning: Jane makes a semi-romantic overture to Max (uncertainty)

Middle: Jane asks Max to be her “example” of a constituent so she can see people as individuals not just a group to be led politically (character changes radically)

End: Max agrees to the new level of relationship (surprise)

15. INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Max and Jane clash over the just passed bill’s efficacy (uncomfortable moment)

Middle: Max reverts to a heavy-handed view vs. Jane’s consensus building (suspense)

End: Max and Jane cause a crack in their new relationship (uncertainty)

16. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence reports to higher authorities that the Guardian Angel program’s effectiveness is decreasing (uncertainty)

Middle: Clarence and the higher ups clash as they fail to take action (surprise)

End: Clarence is on his own to resolve the issue (suspense)

17. INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Beginning: Clarence makes Max wear a human body full time due to his continued heavy-handedness (major twist)

Middle: Max is caught changing out of his heavenly body into his full-time human body (suspense)

End: Max uses his now limited skills to protect Jane with limited results (uncertainty)

Midpoint/Turning Point

18. INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Jane’s boss in arrested for vote tampering (major twist)

Middle: She has to decide whether to take a new job at the national level or stay in her job with Max (internal dilemma).

End: Jane takes the job which distances herself from Max (uncertainty).

ACT III

19. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Beginning: Max gets hired as Jane’s political aide despite competition from a co-worker (suspense)

Middle: Max is not sure how to be both her guardian and supervisee (suspense

End: Max and Jane renew their bond in a potentially romantic way (uncertainty)

20. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Jane’s aide attempts to usurp her position (intrigue)

Middle: rather than punish them, she trains them how to be effective without dirty tricks (surprise)

End: Jane is a good influence on her entire office, including heavy-handed Max (surprise)

21. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence watches Max fight his old impulses to interfere with Jane (suspense)

Middle: Clarence has a growing admiration for Max (character changes radically)

End: Clarence gives Max a rainbow, a gift that can be redeemed in a time of need (uncertainty)

22. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Max and the “usurper” vie for the position of Jane’s analyst (uncertainty)

Middle: Max is chosen, a position that will give him vastly increased time with Jane (superior position)

End: Despite their differences, Max and Jane both realize the implications of more time together (uncertainty)

23. INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Beginning: Max confides to Clarence that he is falling in love with his assignment (major twist)

Middle: Clarence shares that losing his objectivity through love is grounds for extraction (uncertainty)

End: Max has to consider ending the relationship to maintain his role as Jane’s Guardian Angel (uncomfortable moment))

24. INT. CAMPAIGN TRAIL – NIGHT

Beginning: Max distances himself from Jane (internal dilemma)

Middle: Max is no longer using heavy-handed techniques with Jane or anyone else he encounters (superior position)

End: His feelings only grow as he watches Jane work (suspense)

25. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence watches Max closely for any action indicating loss of objectivity through overprotection of Jane, cause for immediate extraction (suspense)

Middle: Max nearly causes his extraction over a small issue Jane faces in the office (uncomfortable moment)

End: Clarence is now rooting for Max to be successful but to also be true to himself in love (internal dilemma)

Turning Point

26. INT; RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Beginning: Jane fumbles through an expression of her own growing feelings for Max (uncomfortable moment)

Middle: Max ends the relationship, sacrificing his love for Jane to maintain his objectivity and role as her Guardian Angel (surprise)

End: Both are devastated as all opportunity for love is apparently lost (major twist)

ACT IV

27. INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Beginning: Clarence reluctantly acknowledges that, despite Max’s best efforts, his and Jane’s feelings for each other are interfering with Jane’s life (mislead)

Middle: Max accepts his imminent return to Heaven and the associated loss of his physical body – death (uncertainty)

End: Max and Jane can reunite somehow (mystery)

28. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence updates the hierarchy with the alarming news that the Guardian Angel program is decreasingly effective in turning the tide on humanity’s self-destruction. (uncertainty)

Middle: humanity’s best hope is in Jane (mystery)

End: Jane’s loss of love is sending her off track, jeopardizing all humanity cliffhanger)

29. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Beginning: Jane’s boss is accused of wrongdoing on the eve of the presidential election (major twist)

Middle: Jane turns the tables on the offending politician, ensuring her boss once again has an even chance of winning the election (uncertainty)

End: Jane has a breakthrough in seeing the importance of each individual voter affected by lies and dirty tricks, opening her to the importance of relationships despite the potential pain (surprise)

30. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: As Clarence helps Max pack in preparation to die, Clarence shares how Max has finally learned how to be a first rate Guardian Angel through sacrifice (internal dilemma)

Middle: Max says a quick good-bye to Jane who is knee-deep in work for today’s election (uncomfortable moment)

End: As Clarence watches the two separate, he suddenly smiles with a dawning thought and disappears (suspense)

31. EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Jane runs after Max, hugs him and expresses her love and desire that he return to her, in his own time (uncertainty)

Middle: Max promises to return one day (surprise)

End: Max dies in her arms (cliffhanger)

32. INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Beginning: Jane alone in a sea of people awaiting the election results. For the first time she accepts hugs from her co-workers for her untiring efforts (surprise)

Middle: Jane stares at Max’s empty office (suspense)

End: At the announcement of her boss’s winning the presidential election, Jane announces her decision to leave politics to deal with her pain (surprise)

33. EXT. HEAVEN – HIGHER CHAMBERS – DAY

Beginning: Clarence reports that a solution to humanity’s woes is urgent, and that the Guardian Angel program is failing humanity in its present form (suspense)

Middle: Clarence is given the job of finding a way to keep Jane in politics (major twist)

End: Clarence negotiates a binding agreement that his solution will be implemented (suspense)

34. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Beginning: Clarence with Max watch the Future Screen revealing Jane as President (major twist)

Middle: If she does not, humanity will not survive on its present course (external dilemma)

End: Clarence suggests Max redeem his rainbow; he has an idea (suspense)

35. EXT. HEAVEN – HIGHER CHAMBERS – DAY

Beginning: Clarence presents a pilot program of allowing humans and angels to travel to each other’s realms (major twist)

Middle: The hierarchy bulks at such a change, but sees no viable alternative (external dilemma)

End: the Hierarchy passes Clarence’s plan as they had agreed (surprise)

36. EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Beginning: Max returns to his body. The time past on earth was just a moment since his death (surprise)

Middle: Max walks Jane back into the headquarters where she begins collecting her things – she has left politics (misinterpretation)

End: Max asks Jane to wait until the inauguration. She agrees. (cliff hanger)

37. INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

Beginning: After entering the White House, Jane’s boss resigns as president to deal with the PTSD she is experiencing as a result of the stress of the campaign. (major twist)

Middle: Jane becomes President (reveal)

End: Jane rescinds her planned resignation from politics to care for all the individuals who make up America by her efforts to reduce the lies and tricks in politics while steering humanity away from self-destruction through climate change. (surprise)

38. INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Beginning: Jane and Max enter the White House together hand in hand (reveal)

Middle: Without knowing how she will respond, Max reveals his dual role in her life and the pilot program (uncertainty)

End: Max teaches Jane how to take her first steps into Heaven (suspense)

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Scene Requirements

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is though simple, how extremely time-consuming each step is. Fun for sure, but demanding many hours to complete. So I also learned that I need much more time to do these later pars of the outline process than the early parts.

ACT I

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Angel Max flips through a series of potential assignments on earth.

Scene Arc: From Max paging through a series of potential assignments to not liking any

Essence: Max is taking his next assignment

Conflict: He doesn’t like any; very picky and arrogant

Subtext: Max Is an arrogant prima donna

Hope/fear: Max will take an assignment; he refuses to

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Jane greets her co-workers

Scene Arc: Jane breezes into the office with cool detachment and maintains that attitude toward all.

Essence: Jane is a political aide with little emotional investment

Conflict: Jane works with people she stays aloof from

Subtext: Jane has intimacy issues

Hope/fear: Jane will let down her guard; Jane will stay emotionally isolated

INCITING INCIDENT

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Max is given the assignment he has the biggest issue with

Scene Arc: from Max without an assignment yet to receiving one

Essence: Max doesn’t have a choice; Clarence assigns, or is ordered to assign

Conflict: Max protests; Clarence agrees

Subtext: Max is given the assignment he needs

Hope/fear: Max will accept, Max will refuse or otherwise sabotage the assignment

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane picks up Max’s upset

Essence: Jane and Max are now connected

Conflict: Jane doesn’t like the negative feeling but allows the feeling to enter her space

Subtext: Jane is open to intimacy

Hope/Fear: Jane will stay open/she will shut it down

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence feels a more senior angel is needed for this important assignment but is overruled

Essence: Clarence reacts to being overruled with an extreme but harmless weather event

Conflict: Accept the judgment or appeal it

Subtext: Clarence’s decisions are not the final word

Hope/fear: Clarence will not react negatively to Max/he will react

INT. BAR – DAY

Scene Arc: A nice guy makes a date with Jane

Essence: Jane reluctantly accepts a date

Conflict: The man wants a date; Jane is reluctant, which she confides to a co-worker

Subtext: Jane believes a relationship will interfere with her career

Hope/fear: Jane will go out with the guy/she will sabotage the date

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max in a physical body tests Jane who foils his intrusive tests

Essence: Max is a heavy-handed guardian angel

Conflict: Max interferes with Jane’s day-to-day life to see what his charge is made of

Subtext: Max is intrusive; Jane is his match

Hope/fear: they will get together/ they won’t

INT. BAR – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane’s co-worker wants the low-down on the date, but Jane shood him up

Essence: Jane never intended to keep the date

Conflict: Co-worker can’t believe Jane’s cold response

Subtext: Jane has serious relationship issues

Hope/fear: Jane will warm to her suitors/ Jane won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

TURNING POINT

Scene Arc: Jane is manipulated into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill

Essence: Clarence won’t lift a finger to help Max prevent Jane’s imminent political fall

Conflict: Clarence turns a deaf ear to Max’s call for assistance

Subtext: Clarence will prove that Max isn’t up to the job from the get go

Hope/fear: Max will succeed on his own with his first task/Max will fail

ACT II

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max is no help at all with his heavy-handed influence and Jane turns the tables on her nasty co-workers

Essence: Jane can take care of herself in the political world

Conflict: Jane will not be the fall guy for a poorly prepared bill

Subtext: Jane is adept at political intrigue without being mean

Hope/fear: Jane will not be the fall guy/ She will be the fall guy

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane re-writes the bill with help from her friendly co-worker and pizza

Essence: Jane counters her attackers

Conflict: Jane will not be the fall guy

Subtext: Jane can protect herself in the political arena without harming others

Hope/fear: Jane will get the bill passed/ Jane won’t

EXT. HEAVAN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence and Max clash over Max’s assignment until Clarence gets the crushing last word

Essence: Things come to a head between Max and Clarence

Conflict: Max requests help with his assignment but Clarence turns a deaf ear

Subtext: Clarence wants Max to fail

Hope/fear: Max will fail/Max will succeed without Clarence’s help

INT. STATE CONGRESS BUILDING – DAY

Scene Arc: The bill passes and Jane is a hero

Essence: Jane turns the tables on her co-workers

Conflict: Jane vs. her co-workers

Subtext: Jane holds her own in a tough political environment

Hope/fear: The bill will pass/the bill will fail

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane takes Max to dinner to enlist him in her efforts to avoid being blind-sided by her co-workers and to see her party’s constituents as individuals by forming a relationship with one.

Essence: Jane needs to have a personal relationship

Conflict: Jane fears a relationship while realizing her need for one – to improve her understanding of her party’s constituents

Subtext: Jane is open to a relationship

Hope/fear: Jane will stay open/ Max will shut her down again

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max and Jane clash over the bill’s effectiveness causing a break in their previous harmony

Essence: Max and Jane have a falling out

Conflict: Max is forceful, Jane is about consensus building

Subtext: Max and Jane may not get together

Hope/fear: They will get together/they won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence communicates to higher authorities that the Guardian Angel program is having serious effectiveness issues curbing humanity’s self-destruction

Essence: The Guardian Angel program is faltering

Conflict: Clarence vs. a hierarchy

Subtext: Clarence is closer to what’s really going on and needs to be heard

Hope/fear: the Guardian angel program is working/ the program is faltering

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max is forced to wear a human body full-time and realizes how overbearing and manipulative he is

Essence: Max uses his limited skills to try to protect Jane

Conflict: Clarence makes Max stay in his physical body

Subtext: Max is unable to control his manipulation

Hope/fear: Max will realize his ways are not the best/ he will continue with his intrusive ways

Midpoint/Turning Point

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: When Jane has her boss arrested for vote tampering she is thrust into the national limelight and a new job.

Essence: Jane’s new position and fame pull her away from Max

Conflict: Jane can stay where she is or go to a position with more influence

Subtext: Jane and Max are to be separated

Hope/fear: Jane stays where she is/Jane takes the new job

ACT III

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Max gets himself hired as the political aide for Jane

Essence: Jane has a dawning appreciation for Max

Conflict: Max can hover protectively over Jane or step back and work hard for her

Subtext: Max and Jane bond in a new way

Hope/fear: They will grow closer/ they will become supervisor and supervisee

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane goes from being undermined by an intended usurper to mentoring them

Essence: Jane will not stoop to using dirty tricks or lies

Conflict: punish the usurper vs. train them

Subtext: Jane is a different kind of politician

Hope/fear: Jane will lose her job/Jane will keep her job

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence watches Max fight his impulse to interfere with Jane’s life

Essence: Max is learning to control his heavy-handed impulse to direct Jane’s life

Conflict: Max fights his own overbearing tendencies and lets Jane direct her life

Subtext: Clarence has a growing, grudging respect for Max

Hope/fear: Max will stop interfering/ Max will continue his ways

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max rises from Jane’s aide to her analyst

Essence: Jane and Max have closer contact than ever before

Conflict: the potential usurper vs. Max for the role of analyst

Subtext: Jane and Max have an opportunity to grow closer

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will grow closer/ they will blow this opportunity

INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Scene Arc: Max confides to Clarence his falling in love, which in Heaven is cause for extraction

Essence: Max is losing his objectivity as a Guardian Angel

Conflict: Max as lover vs. Max as Guardian Angel

Subtext: Max may have to step back as Jane’s Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Max will lose his role and be extracted/Max will keep his role

INT. CAMPAIGN TRAIL – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Max distances himself from his feelings while helping Jane with menial tasks

Essence: Max is gaining control of his heavy-handed approach to Guardian Angel

Conflict: Max fights his feelings of love that may get him extracted

Subtext: Max is falling in love despite its consequences

Hope/fear: Max will continue to fall in love/ Max will curb his feelings

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence watches for an action indicating loss of objectivity that will necessitate extracting Max

Essence: Clarence has mixed feelings about Max now

Conflict: Clarence is rooting for Max to succeed but also wants Max to be true to himself

Subtext: now Clarence wants Max to succeed

Hope/fear: Clarence will pull Max/He will leave Max on earth to continue as Guardian Angel

Turning Point

INT; RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane fumbles through an expression of her growing fondness for Max who resigns as her analyst for reasons he will not elaborate

Essence: Max and Jane break up

Conflict: The relationship ends for a reason Max will not divulge, and Jane is hurt again, as she feared would happen

Subtext: Max will sacrifice his love to remain Jane’s Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will get back together/they will not

ACT IV

INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence reluctantly acknowledges that Max must return to Heaven so another (objective) Angel can be assigned to Jane

Essence: Max will return to Heaven, ending his love affair

Conflict: Max loves Jane but must leave her to ensure her proper guardianship

Subtext: Max is willing to sacrifice himself for the human he loves

Hope/fear: Max can somehow reunite with Jane/ Max will never see Jane again once he dies

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence reports to higher ups his grave concern about humanity’s ability to prevent its self-destruction and its primary salvation appears to be Jane’s continuing to successfully navigate her mission which is now in danger of failure.

Essence: humanity’s future depends on Jane

Conflict: Jane’s loss of love vs. humanity’s survival

Subtext: Jane is key to humanity’s survival

Hope/fear: Humanity will be ok/humanity will self-destruct

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane’s boss accused of wrongdoing is cleared of charges by Jane’s diligence

Essence: Jane saves the election, realizing how many individuals could have been hurt, a breakthrough

Conflict: Jane’s boss, a candidate for president vs. her devious political opponent

Subtext: the better candidate won out

Hope/fear: Jane’s boss will win/the bad guy will win

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max shares with Clarence that he has let go of all his desires to shape Jane’s future.

Essence: Max loves Jane unconditionally

Conflict: Max’s love for Jane vs. her need for an objective Guardian Angel

Subtext: Max has learned what it truly means to be a Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Max and Jane will somehow get back together/they won’t

EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane runs outside to express her love for him as he dies

Essence: Jane loves Max unconditionally

Conflict: Love vs. fear

Subtext: Jane’s love overcomes her fear of emotional pain

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will get together/they won’t

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane announces her decision to leave politics to deal with her pain

Essence: Jane at a crossroad

Conflict: pay attention to her emotions vs. ignore relationships

Subtext: Decision time

Hope/fear: Jane will embrace relationships/she won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Angel hierarchy gives Clarence the task of keeping Jane in politics

Essence: Clarence has to find a way to keep Jane on mission

Conflict: Hierarchy demand vs. Clarence request for help

Subtext: Jane staying in politics is essential

Hope/fear: Clarence will find a solution/ he won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: The Future Screen reveals Jane’s mission as becoming President

Essence: Jane must become president for humanity to survive

Conflict: Jane’s desire vs. Jane’s need/mission

Subtext: Jane must stay in politics

Hope/fear: Jane will stay/she will go

EXT. HEAVEN – HIGHER CHAMBERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Angel Hierarchy passes Clarence’s resolution – a pilot program

Essence: Clarence finds a solution to the Jane leaving politics issue

Conflict: Hierarchy rules vs. Humanity’s need

Subtext: Clarence has changed his mind about Max

Hope/fear: Clarence will find a solution/he won’t

EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max can return to his body to be with Jane

Essence: The rules have changed to a test case for humans and angels both having access to both Earth and Heaven To keep any love feelings from interfering with the guardian role

Conflict: Conservative hierarchy vs. Clarence and the progressives

Subtext: Rules can be changed to meet a deep need

Hope/fear: the pilot program works/it doesn’t

INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

Scene Arc: The President resigns due to the PTSD of the hard-fought campaign so Jane becomes President

Essence: Jane becomes President

Conflict: How can she become president when she is VP?

Subtext: Jane fulfills her mission

Hope/fear: Jane will rescind her resignation from politics threat/she won’t rescind

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max teaches Jane how to take her first step into Heaven

Essence: Jane joins Max in travelling to Heaven

Conflict: Jane is afraid but Max reassures her that it is easy

Subtext: The program will work and Jane will start a new era of clean politics

Hope/fear: Jane will succeed as President/she will fail.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Scene Requirements

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is though simple, how extremely time-consuming each step is. Fun for sure, but demanding many hours to complete. So I also learned that I need much more time to do these later pars of the outline process than the early parts.

ACT I

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Angel Max flips through a series of potential assignments on earth.

Essence: Max is taking his next assignment

Conflict: He doesn’t like any; very picky and arrogant

Subtext: Max Is an arrogant prima donna

Hope/fear: Max will take an assignment; he refuses to

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane breezes into the office with cool detachment

Essence: Jane is a political aide with little emotional investment

Conflict: Jane works with people she stays aloof from

Subtext: Jane has intimacy issues

Hope/fear: Jane will let down her guard; Jane will stay emotionally isolated

INCITING INCIDENT

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Max is given the assignment he has the biggest issue with

Essence: Max doesn’t have a choice; Clarence assigns, or is ordered to assign

Conflict: Max protests; Clarence agrees

Subtext: Max is given the assignment he needs

Hope/fear: Max will accept, Max will refuse or otherwise sabotage the assignment

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane picks up Max’s upset

Essence: Jane and Max are now connected

Conflict: Jane doesn’t like the negative feeling but allows the feeling to enter her space

Subtext: Jane is open to intimacy

Hope/Fear: Jane will stay open/she will shut it down

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence feels a more senior angel is needed for this important assignment but is overruled

Essence: Clarence reacts to being overruled with an extreme but harmless weather event

Conflict: Accept the judgment or appeal it

Subtext: Clarence’s decisions are not the final word

Hope/fear: Clarence will not react negatively to Max/he will react

INT. BAR – DAY

Scene Arc: A nice guy makes a date with Jane

Essence: Jane reluctantly accepts a date

Conflict: The man wants a date; Jane is reluctant, which she confides to a co-worker

Subtext: Jane believes a relationship will interfere with her career

Hope/fear: Jane will go out with the guy/she will sabotage the date

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max in a physical body tests Jane who foils his intrusive tests

Essence: Max is a heavy-handed guardian angel

Conflict: Max interferes with Jane’s day-to-day life to see what his charge is made of

Subtext: Max is intrusive; Jane is his match

Hope/fear: they will get together/ they won’t

INT. BAR – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane’s co-worker wants the low-down on the date, but Jane shood him up

Essence: Jane never intended to keep the date

Conflict: Co-worker can’t believe Jane’s cold response

Subtext: Jane has serious relationship issues

Hope/fear: Jane will warm to her suitors/ Jane won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

TURNING POINT

Scene Arc: Jane is manipulated into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill

Essence: Clarence won’t lift a finger to help Max prevent Jane’s imminent political fall

Conflict: Clarence turns a deaf ear to Max’s call for assistance

Subtext: Clarence will prove that Max isn’t up to the job from the get go

Hope/fear: Max will succeed on his own with his first task/Max will fail

ACT II

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max is no help at all with his heavy-handed influence and Jane turns the tables on her nasty co-workers

Essence: Jane can take care of herself in the political world

Conflict: Jane will not be the fall guy for a poorly prepared bill

Subtext: Jane is adept at political intrigue without being mean

Hope/fear: Jane will not be the fall guy/ She will be the fall guy

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane re-writes the bill with help from her friendly co-worker and pizza

Essence: Jane counters her attackers

Conflict: Jane will not be the fall guy

Subtext: Jane can protect herself in the political arena without harming others

Hope/fear: Jane will get the bill passed/ Jane won’t

EXT. HEAVAN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence and Max clash over Max’s assignment until Clarence gets the crushing last word

Essence: Things come to a head between Max and Clarence

Conflict: Max requests help with his assignment but Clarence turns a deaf ear

Subtext: Clarence wants Max to fail

Hope/fear: Max will fail/Max will succeed without Clarence’s help

INT. STATE CONGRESS BUILDING – DAY

Scene Arc: The bill passes and Jane is a hero

Essence: Jane turns the tables on her co-workers

Conflict: Jane vs. her co-workers

Subtext: Jane holds her own in a tough political environment

Hope/fear: The bill will pass/the bill will fail

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane takes Max to dinner to enlist him in her efforts to avoid being blind-sided by her co-workers and to see her party’s constituents as individuals by forming a relationship with one.

Essence: Jane needs to have a personal relationship

Conflict: Jane fears a relationship while realizing her need for one – to improve her understanding of her party’s constituents

Subtext: Jane is open to a relationship

Hope/fear: Jane will stay open/ Max will shut her down again

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max and Jane clash over the bill’s effectiveness causing a break in their previous harmony

Essence: Max and Jane have a falling out

Conflict: Max is forceful, Jane is about consensus building

Subtext: Max and Jane may not get together

Hope/fear: They will get together/they won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence communicates to higher authorities that the Guardian Angel program is having serious effectiveness issues curbing humanity’s self-destruction

Essence: The Guardian Angel program is faltering

Conflict: Clarence vs. a hierarchy

Subtext: Clarence is closer to what’s really going on and needs to be heard

Hope/fear: the Guardian angel program is working/ the program is faltering

INT. STATE POLITICAL OFFICE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max is forced to wear a human body full-time and realizes how overbearing and manipulative he is

Essence: Max uses his limited skills to try to protect Jane

Conflict: Clarence makes Max stay in his physical body

Subtext: Max is unable to control his manipulation

Hope/fear: Max will realize his ways are not the best/ he will continue with his intrusive ways

Midpoint/Turning Point

INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: When Jane has her boss arrested for vote tampering she is thrust into the national limelight and a new job.

Essence: Jane’s new position and fame pull her away from Max

Conflict: Jane can stay where she is or go to a position with more influence

Subtext: Jane and Max are to be separated

Hope/fear: Jane stays where she is/Jane takes the new job

ACT III

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Max gets himself hired as the political aide for Jane

Essence: Jane has a dawning appreciation for Max

Conflict: Max can hover protectively over Jane or step back and work hard for her

Subtext: Max and Jane bond in a new way

Hope/fear: They will grow closer/ they will become supervisor and supervisee

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane goes from being undermined by an intended usurper to mentoring them

Essence: Jane will not stoop to using dirty tricks or lies

Conflict: punish the usurper vs. train them

Subtext: Jane is a different kind of politician

Hope/fear: Jane will lose her job/Jane will keep her job

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence watches Max fight his impulse to interfere with Jane’s life

Essence: Max is learning to control his heavy-handed impulse to direct Jane’s life

Conflict: Max fights his own overbearing tendencies and lets Jane direct her life

Subtext: Clarence has a growing, grudging respect for Max

Hope/fear: Max will stop interfering/ Max will continue his ways

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max rises from Jane’s aide to her analyst

Essence: Jane and Max have closer contact than ever before

Conflict: the potential usurper vs. Max for the role of analyst

Subtext: Jane and Max have an opportunity to grow closer

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will grow closer/ they will blow this opportunity

INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Scene Arc: Max confides to Clarence his falling in love, which in Heaven is cause for extraction

Essence: Max is losing his objectivity as a Guardian Angel

Conflict: Max as lover vs. Max as Guardian Angel

Subtext: Max may have to step back as Jane’s Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Max will lose his role and be extracted/Max will keep his role

INT. CAMPAIGN TRAIL – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Max distances himself from his feelings while helping Jane with menial tasks

Essence: Max is gaining control of his heavy-handed approach to Guardian Angel

Conflict: Max fights his feelings of love that may get him extracted

Subtext: Max is falling in love despite its consequences

Hope/fear: Max will continue to fall in love/ Max will curb his feelings

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence watches for an action indicating loss of objectivity that will necessitate extracting Max

Essence: Clarence has mixed feelings about Max now

Conflict: Clarence is rooting for Max to succeed but also wants Max to be true to himself

Subtext: now Clarence wants Max to succeed

Hope/fear: Clarence will pull Max/He will leave Max on earth to continue as Guardian Angel

Turning Point

INT; RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane fumbles through an expression of her growing fondness for Max who resigns as her analyst for reasons he will not elaborate

Essence: Max and Jane break up

Conflict: The relationship ends for a reason Max will not divulge, and Jane is hurt again, as she feared would happen

Subtext: Max will sacrifice his love to remain Jane’s Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will get back together/they will not

ACT IV

INT. MAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence reluctantly acknowledges that Max must return to Heaven so another (objective) Angel can be assigned to Jane

Essence: Max will return to Heaven, ending his love affair

Conflict: Max loves Jane but must leave her to ensure her proper guardianship

Subtext: Max is willing to sacrifice himself for the human he loves

Hope/fear: Max can somehow reunite with Jane/ Max will never see Jane again once he dies

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Clarence reports to higher ups his grave concern about humanity’s ability to prevent its self-destruction and its primary salvation appears to be Jane’s continuing to successfully navigate her mission which is now in danger of failure.

Essence: humanity’s future depends on Jane

Conflict: Jane’s loss of love vs. humanity’s survival

Subtext: Jane is key to humanity’s survival

Hope/fear: Humanity will be ok/humanity will self-destruct

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane’s boss accused of wrongdoing is cleared of charges by Jane’s diligence

Essence: Jane saves the election, realizing how many individuals could have been hurt, a breakthrough

Conflict: Jane’s boss, a candidate for president vs. her devious political opponent

Subtext: the better candidate won out

Hope/fear: Jane’s boss will win/the bad guy will win

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max shares with Clarence that he has let go of all his desires to shape Jane’s future.

Essence: Max loves Jane unconditionally

Conflict: Max’s love for Jane vs. her need for an objective Guardian Angel

Subtext: Max has learned what it truly means to be a Guardian Angel

Hope/fear: Max and Jane will somehow get back together/they won’t

EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane runs outside to express her love for him as he dies

Essence: Jane loves Max unconditionally

Conflict: Love vs. fear

Subtext: Jane’s love overcomes her fear of emotional pain

Hope/fear: Jane and Max will get together/they won’t

INT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Jane announces her decision to leave politics to deal with her pain

Essence: Jane at a crossroad

Conflict: pay attention to her emotions vs. ignore relationships

Subtext: Decision time

Hope/fear: Jane will embrace relationships/she won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Angel hierarchy gives Clarence the task of keeping Jane in politics

Essence: Clarence has to find a way to keep Jane on mission

Conflict: Hierarchy demand vs. Clarence request for help

Subtext: Jane staying in politics is essential

Hope/fear: Clarence will find a solution/ he won’t

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Scene Arc: The Future Screen reveals Jane’s mission as becoming President

Essence: Jane must become president for humanity to survive

Conflict: Jane’s desire vs. Jane’s need/mission

Subtext: Jane must stay in politics

Hope/fear: Jane will stay/she will go

EXT. HEAVEN – HIGHER CHAMBERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Angel Hierarchy passes Clarence’s resolution – a pilot program

Essence: Clarence finds a solution to the Jane leaving politics issue

Conflict: Hierarchy rules vs. Humanity’s need

Subtext: Clarence has changed his mind about Max

Hope/fear: Clarence will find a solution/he won’t

EXT. NATIONAL POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Scene Arc: Max can return to his body to be with Jane

Essence: The rules have changed to a test case for humans and angels both having access to both Earth and Heaven To keep any love feelings from interfering with the guardian role

Conflict: Conservative hierarchy vs. Clarence and the progressives

Subtext: Rules can be changed to meet a deep need

Hope/fear: the pilot program works/it doesn’t

INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

Scene Arc: The President resigns due to the PTSD of the hard-fought campaign so Jane becomes President

Essence: Jane becomes President

Conflict: How can she become president when she is VP?

Subtext: Jane fulfills her mission

Hope/fear: Jane will rescind her resignation from politics threat/she won’t rescind

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Scene Arc: Max teaches Jane how to take her first step into Heaven

Essence: Jane joins Max in traveling to Heaven

Conflict: Jane is afraid but Max reassures her that it is easy

Subtext: The program will work and Jane will start a new era of clean politics

Hope/fear: Jane will succeed as President/she will fail.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Intriguing Moments

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is intrigue already abounds in a script that is formed using the techniques we are learning, and it helps to identify the instances that need to happen regularly throughout the script to maintain audience interest.

Act I

<div>
Covert agenda: Jane agrees to a date
knowing she will stand her suitor up.</div><div>

Hidden identity: Max as Jane’s
potential guardian angel

</div><div>

Conspiracy: Clarence withholds support
for Max to cause him to fail

Scheme: Max interferes with Jane’s day
to gauge her response

Superior position
Cover up
Mystery: Why does Jane feel a relationship
will ruin her career?

</div>

Act II

<div>
Covert agenda: Jane will turn the
table on her co-workers by re-writing the bill so it will pass
</div><div>

Scheme: Jane wants to put an end to
lying in politics

Superior position: Max has to take on
a human body full-time, restricting his ability to interfere in Jane’s
activities

</div>

Act III

<div> Secret: Max and Jane are falling in
love but don’t admit it to themselves
</div><div>

Covert agenda: Clarence eases up on
his plan to cause Max to fail, and changes to helping Max succeed

Hidden identity: Max is losing his
objectivity and may need to end his role as Jane/s guardian angel

Scheme: Jane starts to clean up politics
at her own state level

Superior position: Jane realizes her
need for a relationship of some kind to help her with her career

Cover up: Max covers up his feelings
by saying he can’t explain why he has to resign as Jane’s aide.

</div>

Act IV

<div>
Secret: Clarence confesses that he,
like Max, flunked Cherub
</div><div>

Covert agenda: Max has to leave his
role as angel so another can be appointed

Covert Agenda: Jane determines to
reform politics from the top down

Scheme: Jane turns the tables on her
boss’s political rival by exposing the lies they are telling, causing her
boss to win.

Scheme: Clarence pushes a plan that
will allow angels and humans to interact on earth
Superior position: Max must die to
give a more objective angel the role of guardian of Jane Unsolvable Problem: Clarence must find
a way to keep Jane in politics after Max’s death so she will stay on her important
mission

</div>

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Emotional Moments

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is all the places I can emphasize the emotional impact of the emotional moments by first identifying those moments.

ACT I

Max is distressed about his assignment to the extent that he ignores it at first

Clarence surprises us by causing extreme weather by his anger at being overruled as to Max’s assignment

Jane’s wound is she feels a relationship will derail her career

Act II

Jane’s courage to reform politics

Clarence betrays Max by revealing his failing Cherub

Jane successfully turns the tables on her associates who tried to make her the fall guy

Clarence has distress over Max and others not improving humanity’s chance of

self-destruction

Act III

Max does a deep dive into work supporting Jane, a bonding time.

Jane surprises her co-workers by embracing the worker who tried to take over her job

Max exhibits love by finally giving Jane the freedom to live as she sees fit

Max faces his dilemma of his love for Jane vs. his job to protect her

Max sacrifices his life for a more objective replacement for himself

Act IV

Clarence discloses that he also failed Cherub, a bonding moment

Jane has a breakthrough understanding of the importance of seeing her constituents

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Reveals

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how to identify then weave in reveals at a point in the outline process that makes for good timing as the story is sufficiently developed yet is still “small” enough that I can see the whole story and make good decisions about where these events can have the most bang for the buck.

3. Using that info, make a list of your answers to these four questions:

Question 1: What will you reveal?

1. That Max is her Guardian Angel, which is against the rules

Max is caught changing from robe and sandals to full-time human clothes.

AND that’s when Jane nearly discovers his secret identity.

2. Max failed Cherub

Clarence will not help Max

3. Clarence failed Cherub, too.

Jane is set up as the fall guy for the poorly prepared gun legislation

4. Max must wear a human body all the time and lose contact with Heaven

Max realizes how manipulative he is

5. Clarence saves the day by pushing a plan to mix angels and humans. Max must defend himself and Jane as the pilot program

Max in denial about being in love

Max’s abilities to cause/create little miracles causes Jane to distance herself from this freak

6. Jane feels love relationships will derail her mission.

7. Jane intends to reform politics with truth-telling. The opponent in the presidential election is the worst liar.

Jane reluctantly agrees to being pressured into dates, then feels justified standing them up

Jane misses meetings and secludes herself in her cubicle to work independently

8. Jane loves Max

Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story?

1. When he confesses his love

2. When Max makes a nuisance of himself with Clarence who isn’t listening to Max’s pleas for assistance.

3. When Max is forced to return to Heaven as he can’t stay objective

4. When he has been too intrusive and overbearing.

5. When Jane threatens to leave politics and go off-mission.

6. When a co-worker asks how the date went.

7. When she is set up as the fall guy over a poorly worded bill (beg. Act II)

8. As Max realizes he also loves her so must resign without telling her why

Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have each reveal work?

1. He realizes his love

2. he doesn’t do well with Guardian either. He seems a special case.

3. That Max failed it

4. Max is unsuccessful while maintaining the link to Heaven

5. There is an issue with humanity failing to stop its own destruction without help

6. Jane has referenced a time this happened

7. Political lies have had a devastating impact somewhere

8. Jane has not liked him, then later finds him acceptable.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

1. When he declares his love and inability to remain her “aide”

2. When he really gets on Clarence’s nerves early on

3. Where Clarence finally helps Max

4. When his intrusion has proved too much for Clarence

5. Around the same time Clarence finally helps Max

6. Act I, near the beginning of the story

7. When she has been set up as the fall guy

8. Just before Max tells her of his love

4. Build all of those into your outline, making sure there are setups for each reveal and that you have reveals in every Act.

Act 1: Max receives his assignment

Opening: PJ1 1 Max in Heaven is shown potential guardian angel assignments. He flips through them impatiently and with single word judgments. Time passes differently than on earth. It’s a lot faster.

PJ2 1 Jane is an independent local level political aide who runs from intimacy. She is cooly detached from her coworkers as she breezes into the office, who is tired of the lies politicians tell. Politics doesn’t have to be dirty, she says.

Deeper Layer: Jane is on track with her life mission so Max can’t mess it up. She wants to reform politics – lies to truth.

Inciting Incident: PJ 1 2 Despite his protests, Max is assigned to Jane. He continues to flip through other possibilities until the flipper is taken from him.

PJ2 2 Jane feels his dismay as a cold wind – not the AC – without knowing its source. Connection.

AJ1 Guardian Angel Supervisor Clarence is sure that a more senior Angel is needed for the assignment due to the big stakes, but he is overruled. Creates a level 5 hurricane with a tornado and a volcano in the mix. It creates havoc without causing any real harm.

PJ2.1 A man from the local government pressures Jane into a date. She reveals her take on relationships, that they will derail her career just like 2 people she knows. Relatives?

PJ1 3: (cute meet) Max visits her at work as the recently hired temp (who no one knew was coming or who hired him), where he surreptitiously interferes with her activities to gauge her response. From a distance plops a pile of papers to the floor. Shreds an important document. Pushes her in her supervisor’s way with a water-filled vase that spills on him. Shakes his head at her responses.

PJ2 3: Jane counters Max’s interference at each turn, turning each incident to her advantage. Gets rid of the trash on the floor. Sends for a new important document with updates for the lawmakers. It’s a hot day anyway.

PJ2 4 When a female co-worker asks how the date went, Jane said she stood him up. Why? He had it coming. He didn’t hear her view on relationships. The co-worker is dumbfounded.

Turning Point 1: AJ2 Clarence decides to let Max fail by giving him no support (and the silent treatment) while Max watches Jane’s co-workers manipulate her into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill. He hides the bill under a stack of posters.

Act 2: Max doesn’t handle the assignment well.

New plan: PJ1 4 Max accepts the role on a temporary basis he claims, until he can clear her of the impending danger. He makes their lives miserable with little pranks and causing pratfalls.

PJ2 4 At first Jane tries to run from the situation by considering resigning from her position as she feels out of control when she is copied on an email about it. She responds by email with her resignation, then at the last minute doesn’t press the send button but instead calls over an aide who knows the issues inside out. She is determined to put an end to all the lying she has to deal with.

PJ2 5 She rewrites the bill at the last minute with help from an aide. All in secret after hours. She plies the aide with pizza.

PJ1 5 Max’s requests for help from Clarence go unanswered as Jane is on mission. He makes a nuisance of himself by ringing a bell reserved for an important event until he gets Clarence’s undivided attention. Clarence announces that Max flunked Cherub.

PJ2 6 the re-written bill passes and Jane is a hero, catching her co-workers flat-footed. “Next time you want a fall guy, don’t copy them in your email.”

PJ1 6 (denial of love) Max as her aide disagrees with the new bill that is not as good as it appears. The two fight about the bill. His approach is to make people sign off on it and ignore the law makers. Max is frustrated but not defeated and has a dawning respect for Jane’s take charge approach.

Deeper Layer Reveal: AJ 3 Clarence and the heavenly bodies face a growing concern at humanity’s self-destruction (wars and discord appear as dark areas on earth, which Clarence shows to the higher ups) and what steps to take as the Guardian Angels are having decreasing success with humanity. Max is a case in point.

Midpoint Turning Point: Max forced to wear a human body full time to curb his interfering tendencies, easily created in Heaven, as Jane is catapulted into the national limelight – and increased distance from office aide Max – when her boss is arrested for vote tampering. She says” his friends let him down, happens every time.” At first Max ignores the limitation, being literally pushy and interfering in people’s space, then realizes how manipulative he is.

Act 3: Falling in love

Rethink everything: PJ1 7 Max gets himself promoted to political aide and buries himself in working hard for Jane. She has a dawning appreciation for him. Watches him late at night, head bent and deep in a pile of work.

PJ2 8 Jane deals with the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and non-political ways. Accepts a takeover attempt by schooling the offender in how to make sure his ideas succeed by (the secret) making sure they serve the good of the whole.

PJ1 8 Max struggles with allowing life for Jane to unfold, clamping his hands under his armpits and biting his lip and nails, which

AJ4 softens Clarence as he has a growing, grudging respect for Max. Sends Max a rainbow he can use later for whatever special need he has – one time) Max’s role is made easier when

PJ2 9 Jane’s political advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place before he leaves the interview room. Advisor has lots more contact than aide.

PJ1 9 (overwhelming attraction) Their attraction grows. Max is conflicted as he loses his objectivity as her guardian angel. Get overprotective to an extreme, hurting the politician who is thwarting Jane’s efforts. He realizes he loves her.

PJ1 10 Max helps Jane while not trying to hover over her or he will be permanently extracted. He only does what menial tasks she asks of him, otherwise hanging back and observing, surprising both himself and Jane

AJ 5 Clarence watches Max closely, looking for a reason to pull the plug.

PJ2 10 Jane realizes she needs warm human contact (Max) to balance the downright inhuman politicians she is now forced to deal with, to help her see her constituents as more than a herd. She takes Max to dinner and dancing, bumbling her way through Gracy Heart-style but it works.

Turning Point: (break up) Jane professes her feelings for Max. Max realizes but can’t share that it is his love for Jane that makes him lose his Guardian Angel objectivity so he resigns as Jane’s aide, causing them to break up. He also confesses that he is her Guardian Angel, a big no-no. He walks outside, alone in a city full of people. He sits in her chair, leans back, observes every item on her cluttered desk, then at his picture on her desk. Then watches her walk into the office. Cries.

Act 4 All’s well that ends well.

AJ6 Clarence begrudgingly agrees that angels and humans live in different realms, so Max should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane. Clarence discloses that he also flunked Cherib.

AJ7 There remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in these troubled times, but Jane seems to be a key figure as she appears on his screen. He types a message to the higher-ups with that important update.

PJ2 11 The night before the election Jane fights back against the false scandal over which she has little control, working with the aide who helped her with the bill, and turns the tables on her boss’s foes so the boss becomes President with Jane as VP. She realizes that people are dying and it’s sad how many.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: PJ1 11 Max lets go of all of his desires to shape her future, so she can be free to explore her life as VP– that is what love does. He simply observes her from a distance, and has only words of encouragement when she shares her plans.

PJ1 12 Max dies to return to heaven so another Guardian Angel can be appointed.

PJ2 12 Jane threatens to resign over the death.

AJ 8 Clarence must find a way to keep Jane on mission in politics. The higher-ups have given him that chore, which is also a test for him to ascend.

Deeper Level Reveal: PJ2 13 Jane must become President to fulfill her mission to bring honesty to politics and face the climate crisis head-on.

Resolution: AJ 9 Clarence has pushed a plan to allow humans and angels to interact with Max as the test case. He high-fives Max.

PJ1 13 (finally re-uniting) Max returns to his body by redeeming the rainbow (though can no longer bop back and forth between heaven and earth). Only a moment has passed since his departure.

PJ2 14 Jane She rescinds her resignation to become President. She is strong in her belief in people and decent politics.

PJ1 14 Max tells her there is something she needs to know about him…

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Character Action Tracks

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is doing this action pass helps preclude starting scenes with dialogue which I then find very difficult to undo with visuals, just a weakness I have.

Act 1: Max receives his assignment

Opening: PJ1 1 Max in Heaven is shown potential guardian angel assignments. He flips through them impatiently and with single word judgments. Time passes differently than on earth. It’s a lot faster.

PJ2 1 Jane is an independent local level political aide who runs from intimacy. She is cooly detached from her coworkers as she breezes into the office who shuns dating as a” de-railer.”

Deeper Layer: Jane is on track with her life mission so Max can’t mess it up

Inciting Incident: PJ 1 2 Despite his protests, Max is assigned to Jane. He continues to flip through other possibilities until the flipper is taken from him.

PJ2 2 Jane feels his dismay as a cold wind – not the AC – without knowing its source. Connection.

AJ1 Guardian Angel Supervisor Clarence is sure that a more senior Angel is needed for the assignment due to the big stakes, but he is overruled. Creates a level 5 hurricane with a tornado and a volcano in the mix. It creates havoc without causing any real harm.

PJ1 3: (cute meet) Max visits her at work as the recently hired temp (who no one knew was coming or who hired him), where he surreptitiously interferes with her activities to gauge her response. From a distance plops a pile of papers to the floor. Shreds an important document. Pushes her in her supervisor’s way with a water-filled vase that spills on him. Shakes his head at her responses.

PJ2 3: Jane counters Max’s interference at each turn, turning each incident to her advantage. Gets rid of the trash on the floor. Sends for a new important document with updates for the lawmakers. It’s a hot day anyway.

Turning Point 1: AJ2 Clarence decides to let Max fail by giving him no support (and the sient treatment) while Max watches Jane’s co-workers manipulate her into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill. He hides the bill under a stack of posters.

Act 2: Max doesn’t handle the assignment well.

New plan: PJ1 4 Max accepts the role on a temporary basis he claims, until he can clear her of the impending danger. He makes their lives miserable with little pranks and causing pratfalls.

PJ2 4 At first Jane tries to run from the situation by considering resigning from her position as she feels out of control when she is copied on an email about it. She responds by email with her resignation, then at the last minute doesn’t press the send button but instead calls over an aide who knows the issues inside out.

PJ2 5 She rewrites the bill at the last minute with help from an aide. All in secret after hours. She plies the aide with pizza.

PJ1 5 Max’s requests for help from Clarence go unanswered as Jane is on mission. He makes a nuisance of himself by ringing a bell reserved for an important event until he gets Clarence’s undivided attention.

PJ2 6 the re-written bill passes and Jane is a hero, catching her co-workers flat-footed. “Next time you want a fall guy, don’t copy them in your email.”

PJ1 6 (denial of love) Max as her aide disagrees with the new bill that is not as good as it appears. The two fight about the bill. His approach is to make people sign off on it and ignore the law makers. Max is frustrated but not defeated and has a dawning respect for Jane’s take charge approach.

Deeper Layer Reveal: AJ 3 Clarence and the heavenly bodies face a growing concern at humanity’s self-destruction (wars and discord appear as dark areas on earth, which Clarence shows to the higher ups) and what steps to take as the Guardian Angels are having decreasing success with humanity. Max is a case in point.

Midpoint Turning Point: Max forced to wear a human body full time to curb his interfering tendencies, easily created in Heaven, as Jane is catapulted into the national limelight – and increased distance from office aide Max – when her boss is arrested for vote tampering. She says” his friends let him down, happens every time.” At first Max ignores the limitation, being literally pushy and interfering in people’s space, then realizes how manipulative he is.

Act 3: Falling in love

Rethink everything: PJ1 7 Max gets himself promoted to political aide and buries himself in working hard for Jane. .

PJ2 8 Jane deals with the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and non-political ways. Accepts a takeover attempt by schooling the offender in how to make sure his ideas succeed by (the secret) making sure they serve the good of the whole.

PJ1 8 Max struggles with allowing life for Jane to unfold, clamping his hands under his armpits and biting his lip and nails, which

AJ4 softens Clarence as he has a growing, grudging respect for Max. Sends Max a rainbow he can use later for whatever special need he has – one time) Max’s role is made easier when

PJ2 9 Jane’s political advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place before he leaves the interview room. Advisor has lots more contact than aide.

PJ1 9 (overwhelming attraction) Their attraction grows. Max is conflicted as he loses his objectivity as her guardian angel. Get overprotective to an extreme, hurting the politician who is thwarting Jane’s efforts.

PJ1 10 Max helps Jane while not trying to hover over her or he will be permanently extracted. He only does what menial tasks she asks of him, otherwise hanging back and observing, surprising both himself and Jane

AJ 5 Clarence watches Max closely, looking for a reason to pull the plug.

PJ2 10 Jane realizes she needs warm human contact (Max) to balance the downright inhuman politicians she is now forced to deal with, to help her see her constituents as more than a herd. She takes Max to dinner and dancing, bumbling her way through Gracy Heart-style but it works.

Turning Point: (break up) Max realizes but can’t share that it is his love for Jane that makes him lose his Guardian Angel objectivity so he resigns as Jane’s aide, causing them to break up. He walks outside, alone in a city full of people. He sits in her chair, leans back, observes every item on her cluttered desk, then at his picture on her desk. Then watches her walk into the office. Cries.

Act 4 All’s well that ends well.

AJ6 Clarence begrudgingly agrees that angels and humans live in different realms, so Max should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane.

AJ7 There remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in these troubled times, but Jane seems to be a key figure as she appears on his screen. He types a message to the higher-ups with that important update.

PJ2 11 The night before the election Jane fights back against the false scandal over which she has little control, working with the aide who helped her with the bill, and turns the tables on her boss’s foes so the boss becomes President with Jane as VP. She realizes that people are dying and it’s sad how many.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: PJ1 11 Max lets go of all of his desires to shape her future, so she can be free to explore her life as VP– that is what love does. He simply observes her from a distance, and has only words of encouragement when she shares her plans.

PJ1 12 Max dies to return to heaven so another Guardian Angel can be appointed.

PJ2 12 Jane threatens to resign over the death.

AJ 8 Clarence must find a way to keep Jane on mission in politics. The higher-ups have given him that chore, which is also a test for him to ascend.

Deeper Level Reveal: PJ2 13 Jane must become President to fulfill her mission to bring honesty to politics and face the climate crisis head-on.

Resolution: AJ 9 Clarence has pushed a plan to allow humans and angels to interact with Max as the test case. He high-fives Max.

PJ1 13 (finally re-uniting) Max returns to his body by redeeming the rainbow (though can no longer bop back and forth between heaven and earth). Only a moment has passed since his departure.

PJ2 14 Jane She rescinds her resignation to become President. She is strong in her belief in people and decent politics.

PJ1 14 Max tells her there is something she needs to know about him…

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s New Outline Beats

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is more tweaking was needed as I went from end to beginning, and some going from beginning to end. This approach and looking closely at the turning points help clarify the story issues.

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Act 1: Max receives his assignment

Opening: PJ1 1 Max in Heaven is shown potential guardian angel assignments. Time passes differently than on earth. It’s a lot faster.

PJ2 1 Jane is an independent local level political aide who runs from intimacy.

Deeper Layer: Jane is on track with her life mission so Max can’t mess it up

Inciting Incident: PJ 1 2 Despite his protests, Max is assigned to Jane.

PJ2 2 Jane feels his dismay as a cold wind without knowing its source. Connection.

AJ1 Guardian Angel Supervisor Clarence is sure that a more senior Angel is needed for the assignment due to the big stakes, but he is overruled.

PJ1 3: (cute meet) Max visits her at work as the recently hired temp (who no one knew was coming or who hired him), where he surreptitiously interferes with her activities to gauge her response.

PJ2 3: Jane counters Max’s interference at each turn, turning each incident to her advantage.

Turning Point 1: AJ2 Clarence decides to let Max fail by giving him no support while Max watches Jane’s co-workers manipulate her into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill.

Act 2: Max doesn’t handle the assignment well.

New plan: PJ1 4 Max accepts the role on a temporary basis he claims, until he can clear her of the impending danger.

PJ2 4 At first Jane tries to run from the situation by considering resigning from her position as she feels out of control.

PJ2 5 She rewrites the bill at the last minute with help from an aide.

PJ1 5 Max’s requests for help from Clarence go unanswered as Jane is on mission.

PJ2 6 the re-written bill passes and Jane is a hero, catching her co-workers flat-footed.

PJ1 6 (denial of love) Max as her aide disagrees with the new bill that is not as good as it appears. The two fight about the bill. Max is frustrated but not defeated and has a dawning respect for Jane’s take charge approach.

Deeper Layer Reveal: AJ 3 Clarence and the heavenly bodies face a growing concern at humanity’s self-destruction and what steps to take as the Guardian Angels are having decreasing success with humanity. Max is a case in point.

Midpoint Turning Point: Max forced to wear a human body full time to curb his interfering tendencies, easily created in Heaven, as Jane is catapulted into the national limelight – and increased distance from office aide Max – when her boss is arrested for vote tampering.

Act 3: Falling in love

Rethink everything: PJ1 7 Max gets himself promoted to political aide.

PJ2 8 Jane deals with the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and non-political ways.

PJ1 8 Max struggles with allowing life for Jane to unfold, which

AJ4 softens Clarence as he has a growing, grudging respect for Max. Max’s role is made easier when

PJ2 9 Jane’s political advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place before he leaves the interview room. Advisor has lots more contact than aide.

PJ1 9 (overwhelming attraction) Their attraction grows. Max is conflicted as he loses his objectivity as her guardian angel.

PJ1 10 Max helps Jane while not trying to hover over her or he will be permanently extracted.

AJ 5 Clarence watches Max closely, looking for a reason to pull the plug.

PJ2 10 Jane realizes she needs warm human contact (Max) to balance the downright inhuman politicians she is now forced to deal with, to help her see her constituents as more than a herd.

Turning Point: (break up) Max realizes but can’t share that it is his love for Jane that makes him lose his Guardian Angel objectivity so he resigns as Jane’s aide, causing them to break up.

Act 4 All’s well that ends well.

AJ6 Clarence begrudgingly agrees that angels and humans live in different realms, so Max should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane.

AJ7 There remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in these troubled times, but Jane seems to be a key figure.

PJ2 11 The night before the election Jane fights back against the false scandal over which she has little control, and turns the tables on her boss’s foes so the boss becomes President with Jane as VP.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: PJ1 11 Max sees that Jane lets go of all of his desires to shape her future, so she can be free to explore her life as VP– that is what love does.

PJ1 12 Max dies to return to heaven so another Guardian Angel can be appointed.

PJ2 12 Jane threatens to resign over the death.

AJ 8 Clarence must find a way to keep Jane on mission in politics.

Deeper Level Reveal: Jane must become President to fulfill her mission to bring honesty to politics and face the climate crisis head-on.

Resolution: AJ 9 Clarence has pushed a plan to allow humans and angels to interact with Max as the test case.

PJ1 13 (finally re-uniting) Max returns to his body (though can no longer bop back and forth between heaven and earth). Only a moment has passed since his departure.

PJ1 14 Max tells her there is something she needs to know about him…

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is it’s easier than I imagined it would be to pull those 5 elements together in one cohesive outline. The process illuminated a weakness near the climax it would have been hard to see without the process.

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Act 1: Max receives his assignment

Opening: PJ1 1 Max in Heaven is shown potential guardian angel assignments.

PJ2 1 Jane is independent and shy local level political aide.

Deeper Layer: Jane’s life mission is important so Max can’t mess it up

Inciting Incident: PJ 1 2 Despite his protests, Max is assigned to Jane.

PJ2 2 Jane feels his dismay as a cold wind without knowing its source.

AJ1 Guardian Angel Supervisor Clarence feels a more senior Angel is needed for the assignment due to the big stakes, but he is overruled.

PJ1 3: Max visits her at work as the recently hired temp (who no one knew was coming or who hired him), surreptitiously interferes with her activities to gauge her response.

PJ2 3: Jane counters Max’s interference at each turn, turning each incident to her advantage.

Turning Point 1: Back in Heaven, AJ2 Clarence decides to let Max fail by giving him no support while Max watches Jane’s co-workers manipulate her into being the fall guy for a poorly written bill.

Act 2: Max doesn’t handle the assignment well.

New plan: PJ1 4 Max accepts the role on a temporary basis, until he can clear her of the impending danger.

PJ2 4 At first Jane tries to run from the situation by deciding to resign from her position as she feels out of control.

PJ2 5 She rewrites the bill at the last minute with help from an aide.

PJ1 5 Max’s requests for help from Clarence go unanswered as Jane is on mission.

PJ2 6 the re-written bill passes and Jane is a hero, catching her co-workers flat-footed.

PJ1 6 Max as her aide disagrees with the new bill that is not as good as it appears. The two fight about the bill. Max is frustrated but not defeated and has a dawning respect for Jane’s take charge approach.

Deeper Layer Reveal: AJ 3 Clarence and the heavenly bodies face a growing concern at humanity’s self-destruction and what steps to take as the Guardian Angels are having decreasing success with humanity.

Midpoint Turning Point: Max has to wear a human body full time to curb his interfering tendencies as Jane is catapulted into the national limelight when her boss is arrested for vote tampering.

Act 3: Falling in love

Rethink everything: PJ1 7 Max is promoted to political aide.

PJ2 8 Jane deals with the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and non-political ways.

PJ1 8 Max struggles with allowing life for Jane to unfold, which

AJ4 softens Clarence as he has a growing, grudging respect for Max. Max’s role is made easier when

PJ2 9 Jane’s political advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place before he leaves the interview room.

PJ1 9 Their attraction grows. Max is conflicted as he loses his objectivity as her guardian angel.

PJ1 10 Max helps Jane while not trying to hover over her or he will be permanently extracted.

AJ 5 Clarence watching Max closely, looking for a reason to pull the plug.

PJ2 10 Jane realizes she needs warm human contact (Max) to balance the downright inhuman politicians she is now forced to deal with, to help her see her constituents as more than a herd.

Turning Point: Max realizes but can’t share that it is his love for Jane makes him lose his objectivity so he resigns as Jane’s aide, causing them to break up.

Act 4

AJ6 Clarence agrees that angels and humans live in different realms, so Max should return to Heaven

so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane .

AJ7 There remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in these troubled times, but Jane seems to be the key figure.

PJ2 11 The night before the election Jane fights back against the false scandal over which she has little control, and turns the tables on her boss’s foes so the boss becomes President with Jane as VP.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: PJ1 11 Max lets go of all of his desires to shape her future – that is what love does. so she is free to explore her life as Presidential aide – that is what love does.

PJ1 12 Max dies to return to heaven so another Guardian Angel can be appointed.

PJ2 12 Jane threatens to resign over the death.

AJ 8 C3larence must find a way to keep her on mission in politics.

Deeper Level Reveal: Jane must become President to fulfill her mission to bring honesty to politics and face the climate crisis head-on.

Resolution: AJ 9 Clarence has pushed a plan to allow humans and angels to interact with Max as the test case.

PJ1 13 Max returns to his body. Only a moment has passed since his departure.

PJ1 14 Max tells her there is something she needs to know about him…

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s deeper layer

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how key to the story the antagonist is, as he holds the key to keeping things from going off the rails. The protagonists also have keys, so everyone is crucial to both the surface and the deeper story.

<div>Surface Layer: Max is helping/guarding
local politician Jane
</div><div>

Deeper Layer: Jane is the key to save
humanity from self-destruction

</div><div>

Major Reveal: Jane must become President
to fulfill her mission

Influences Surface Story: Clarence is
keeping a watchful eye on Jane’s career path

Hints: Jane is in the right place at
the right time on several occasions

Changes Reality: What appears to be a
love story is about saving humanity

</div>

Protagonist Max

<div>
Inciting Incident: he rebels at the assignment
Turning Point 1: back in heaven, he
watches her being manipulated and accepts only as a temporary assignment
Act 2: Max helps Jane out of harm’s
way, finds her take-charge approach admirable, but she still needs
protection from the political sharks around her
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Max has to
take on a permanent human form to prevent him from using his overbearing
approach that will derail Jane’s mission
Act 3: Max as an aide, they get along
well as Max struggles with letting life unfold on its own vs. being a
helicopter. The angels cheer him. Even the higher ups – unusual
Turning Point 3: Max discovers he is
in love so can’t be objective. He resigns.
Act 4 Climax: Max dies
Resolution: Max returns with Clarence’s
help
</div><div>

</div>

Protagonist Jane

Beginning: she is independent but shy
of relationships
Inciting Incident: he is hired and
assigned to her. His overbearing is off-putting
Turning Point 1: She discovers she is
to be the fall guy for a gun bill
Act 2: she pushes alternate gun bill
and succeeds, surprising everyone, including her
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Jane leaps
to national politics when boss arrested
Act 3: Jane’s advisor has health crisis
and gets Max as her new advisor
Turning Point 3: Jane falling in love
with Max, a first for her.
Act 4 Climax: She is presidential
candidate with Max advising but he dies as a result of resigning his
position as her G. Angel and she threatens to leave politics
Resolution: She wins, he returns and they
live happily in the White House

Antagonist Clarence

Beginning: Clarence fights the assignment
Inciting Incident: Overruled on Max’s
assignment
Turning Point 1: determines to make
the assignment a failure as it’s too important
Act 2: turns a deaf ear to Max’s
entreaties for help while Jane is climbing up the ranks
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Makes Max
get a human body full time; work with that limit
Act 3: Max and
Jane do
fine without Clarence who now has a
grudging respect for Max
Turning Point 3: Max resigns then dies
to Clarence’s chagrin. But rules are rules.
Act 4 Climax: Max’s human body dies. Clarence
must find a way to keep Jane in politics as she is so upset at Max’s death
she threatens to leave
Resolution: Clarence
saves the day – a pilot program allow angels + humans to co-exist

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Character Structure

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is the antagonist has a real story, and the protagonists’ stories are a little more fleshed out.

Protagonist – Max

Beginning: Max not interested in the potential
assignment of an independent human
Inciting Incident: he rebels at the assignment
Turning Point 1: back in heaven, he
watches her being manipulated and accepts only as a temporary assignment
Act 2: Max helps Jane out of harm’s
way, finds her take-charge approach admirable, but she still needs
protection from the political sharks around her
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Max has to
take on a permanent human form to prevent him from using his overbearing
approach
Act 3: Max as an aide, they get along
well as Max struggles with letting life unfold on its own vs. being a
helicopter
Turning Point 3: Max discovers he is
in love so can’t be objective. He resigns
Act 4 Climax: Max dies
Resolution: Max returns with Clarence’s
help

Protagonist – Jane

Beginning: she is independent but shy
of relationships
Inciting Incident: he is hired and
assigned to her. His overbearing is off-putting
Turning Point 1: She discovers she is
to be the fall guy for a gun bill
Act 2: she pushes alternate gun bill
and succeeds
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Jane leaps
to national politics when boss arrested
Act 3: Jane’s advisor has health crisis
and gets Max as her new advisor
Turning Point 3: Jane falling in love
with Max, a first for her
Act 4 Climax: She is presidential
candidate with Max advising but he dies as a result of resigning his
position as her G. Angel
Resolution: She wins, he returns and they
live happily in the White House

Antagonist Clarence:

Beginning: Clarence fights the assignment
Inciting Incident: Overruled on Max’s
assignment
Turning Point 1: determines to make
the assignment a failure
Act 2: turns a deaf ear to Max’s
entreaties for help
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Makes Max
get a human body full time; work with that limit
Act 3: Max Max does fine without
Clarence who now has a grudging
respect for Max
Turning Point 3: Max resigns to Clarence’s
chagrin. But rules are rules
Act 4 Climax: Max’s human body dies
Resolution: Clarence
saves the day – a pilot program allow angels + humans to co-exist

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Supporting Characters

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how to support the main characters in ways that help the story unfold naturally by placing necessary characters in key positions.

Support 1:

Name: Fish
Role: Superior
Main purpose: Help Jean rise through the political
ranks
Value: Help Jean with her mission to clean politics

Support 2:

Name: Scruggs
Role: Office Manager
Main purpose: thwart Max’s efforts to protect Jean
Value: Cause Max to realize the value of letting life take its course

Background 1

Name: Marnie
Role: field worker
Main purpose: update Fish with voter data
Value: help Jean prepare bills that catapult her
career

Background 2

Name: Belle
Role: Jean’s landlady
Main purpose: Sounding board for Jean
Value: Helps Jean through her dark night of soul

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Character Profiles, Part 2

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is discovering more depth of each character in ways that make them more interesting, though not necessarily the final traits.

Character:: Max

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: From
overbearing to giving space to loving his charge.
C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· 1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

An angel who explores the true nature of love while guardian his charge

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

He’s an angel struggling with his role. He falls in love with his charge.

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Learn what true love is and does. Outsmart bad guys. Challenge his superiors.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

He’s a smug, heavy-handed know-it-all angel with authority issues.

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Arrogant to humble to passionate

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

Pretend to be a political flunky while guiding, protecting and falling in love with a future president

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

A superior who doubts Max’s abilities, the woman he is to guard that he falls in love with, a scumbag politician intent on ruining his charge’s career.

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· through an angel’s perspective of what it means to be a guardian angel

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

He is an angel that falls in love with his human charge. He learns what true love really is and does.

Brainstorm these profile components:

7. Character Subtext: Hiding being an
angel

8. Character Intrigue: Hidden agendas:
Guardian Angel to Jane, a future president
Competition: with Jane’s scumbag
superior for Jane’s attention
Conspiracies:
Secrets: he is Jane’s guardian angel.
He is falling in love with her.
Deception: pretends to be a political
aide. He wears his angel robe and sandals when “off duty” until he is
given a “permanent” body and is caught changing clothes when that happens
Unspoken Wound: he has never fit in
among the other angels due to his heavy-handed approach
Secret Identity: guardian angel and lover

l
9. Flaw: overdoing protection in the
name of duty. Overconfidence
10. Values: responsibility, service,
11. Character Dilemma: Affection vs.
duty

Character:: Jane

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: fearful
of relationships to falling in love

C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· 1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

· A woman who shakes up politics and becomes president.

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

· She goes against the grain of dirty politics and wins. She falls in love with an angel

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

· Resist dirty politics. Forge her way to the top against all odds. Fall in love after resisting it as a sign of weakness.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

· A female politician in a mostly male environment who is determined to remain honest and principled and who is sensitive to spiritual forces around her

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Independent and emotionally detached to passionate about her work and finally about her relationship

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

· Save humanity through becoming President of the US surrounded by noble, honest servants of humanity

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

· Her guardian angel, her scumbag superior, her constituencies,

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· As a lone honest voice in the wilderness of politics that grows in strength to a roar

·

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

· Her success in honest politics at the international level

Brainstorm these profile components:

7. Character Subtext: afraid to say

8. Character Intrigue: Hidden agendas:
Reform politics with truth-telling
Competition: with her political rival
to end dirty politics
Conspiracies: Jane and her superior
plan to sabotage his political rival
Secrets: she fears deep relationships
as interfering with her mission. She falls in love with Max
Deception: Pretends to go along with
her superior with a plan to destroy his competitor but then turns him in
before the plan is hatched
Unspoken Wound: Best friend lied to
her about their friendship
Secret Identity: political reformist

9. Flaw: can’t look at her fears
10. Values: Commitment, Independence,
honesty
11. Character Dilemma: independence
vs. need to love

Character:: Clarence

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: from
distrust to trust
C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

It reflects (is?) the character in It’s a Wonderful Life and he supervises angels and has a fair amount of clout in Heaven

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

An angel who supervises other angels is the antagonist

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Doubt Max at every turn. Appear with knowledge of crucial heavenly events. Help orchestrate and then announce a major development in the relationship between angels and humans when all seems about to be lost.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

As Max’s new superior who refuses to respond to questions as to whether or not he is THAT Clarence, and who promises to be a thorn in Max’s side, and who is well versed in heavenly affairs to which most angels have no access.

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

Irritable to smugly superior, strict to permissive, discouraging to supportive, cold to engaging

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

Has an apparent knowledge base far beyond what the guardian angels have and is aware of what goes on in whole universe and the afterlife. Pretty much omniscient.

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With Max, with his own solution-searching peers, with humanity on the brink of self-destruction

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As a spokes-angel for Heaven in an angel’s body.

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

An angel who isn’t always kind and loving but who is tuned in to the workings of the afterlife and has some say in the decisions there.

.

Brainstorm these profile components:

7. Character Subtext: Secret
8. Character Intrigue:
Hidden agendas: Make Max a first-rate
guardian angel after flunking “cherub”
Secrets: he campaigns on Max’s behalf
to change the rules re/ angels and humans interacting.
Unspoken Wound: he failed cherub, too
9. Flaw: can’t take risks
10. Values: achievement, orderliness,
respect
11. Character Dilemma: tradition vs.
experimentation

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Character Profiles, Part 1

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is fitting all the parts together gives a clear, in-depth, and well-rounded overview of the characters – even though some of the traits are likely to change over time. This feels like a first attempt of several, but a very good start on each of the main characters.

. With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

Character: Max

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: From overbearing
to giving space to loving his charge.
C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· 1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

· An angel who explores the true nature of love while guardian his charge

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

· He’s an angel struggling with his role. He falls in love with his charge.

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

· Learn what true love is and does. Outsmart bad guys. Challenge his superiors.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

· He’s a smug, heavy-handed know-it-all angel with authority issues.

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Arrogant to humble to passionate

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

· Pretend to be a political flunky while guiding, protecting and falling in love with a future president

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

· A superior who doubts Max’s abilities, the woman he is to guard that he falls in love with, a scumbag politician intent on ruining his charge’s career.

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· through an angel’s perspective of what it means to be a guardian angel

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

· He is an angel that falls in love with his human charge. He learns what true love really is and does.

The first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

Role in the Story: Protagonist #1
Age range: Ageless, appears to be in
his 30’s
Description: long, flowing hair; alert;
clear-eyed with an intent gaze, wants to blend in with the surroundings so
he is free to do his job
Core Traits: smug, heavy-handed, averse
to authority, overprotective
Motivation; Want/Need: Want: to be a
successful guardian angel. Need: to learn how to love.
Wound: too heavy handed to fit in with
the other angels. He flunked Cherub; too quick to use and then overuse love
arrows
Likability: gets everyone in the
office the healthy equivalent of coffee and donuts. Walks their dogs. Feeds
their cats and saved one from choking.
Relatability: fumbles in the office as
he’s trying to fit in. wins office football pool
Empathy: shock of entering a human
body. Humiliated by office manager before all

Character: Jane

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: fearful
of relationships to falling in love

C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· 1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

· A woman who shakes up politics and becomes president.

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

· She goes against the grain of dirty politics and wins. She falls in love with an angel

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

· Resist dirty politics. Forge her way to the top against all odds. Fall in love after resisting it as a sign of weakness.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

· A female politician in a mostly male environment who is determined to remain honest and principled and who is sensitive to spiritual forces around her

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Independent and emotionally detached to passionate about her work and finally about her relationship

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

· Save humanity through becoming President of the US surrounded by noble, honest servants of humanity

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

· Her guardian angel, her scumbag superior, her constituencies,

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· As a lone honest voice in the wilderness of politics that grows in strength to a roar

·

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

·

· Her success in honest politics at the international level

The first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

Role in the Story: Protagonist #2
Age range: late 20’s
Description: modest in dress and
manners, mid-west honest, a political revolutionary tired of dirty
politics
Core Traits: determined, optimistic, independent,
friendless
Motivation; Want/Need: want: serve the
people through politics Need:
overcome fear of relationships derailing her mission so she can learn to
love
Wound: best friend betrayal
Likability: gives rides to boss when
car is in the shop. Brings flowers to the office. Coupons for aide.
Relatability: watches her money. Disagrees
with boss’s approach to his political rival
Empathy: She broke her arm in car accident
where dog died

Character: Clarence

A. The High Concept: A future female president has a
guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

B. This character’s journey: from
distrust to trust
C. The Actor Attractors for this
character:

· What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

· It reflects (is?) the character in It’s a Wonderful Life and he supervises angels and has a fair amount of clout in Heaven

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

· An angel who supervises other angels is the antagonist

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

· Doubt Max at every turn. Appear with knowledge of crucial heavenly events. Help orchestrate and then announce a major development in the relationship between angels and humans when all seems about to be lost.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

· As Max’s new superior who refuses to respond to questions as to whether or not he is THAT Clarence, and who promises to be a thorn in Max’s side, and who is well versed in heavenly affairs to which most angels have no access.

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Irritable to smugly superior, strict to permissive, discouraging to supportive, cold to engaging

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

· Has an apparent knowledge base far beyond what the guardian angels have and is aware of what goes on in whole universe and the afterlife. Pretty much omniscient.

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

· With Max, with his own solution-searching peers, with humanity on the brink of self-destruction

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· As a spokes-angel for Heaven in an angel’s body.

·

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

·

· An angel who isn’t always kind and loving but who is tuned in to the workings of the afterlife and has some say in the decisions there.

·

·

·

· What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

· It reflects (is?) the character in It’s a Wonderful Life and he supervises angels and has a fair amount of clout in Heaven

· 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

· An angel who supervises other angels is the antagonist

· 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

· Doubt Max at every turn. Appear with knowledge of crucial heavenly events. Help orchestrate and then announce a major development in the relationship between angels and humans when all seems about to be lost.

· 4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

· As Max’s new superior who refuses to respond to questions as to whether or not he is THAT Clarence, and who promises to be a thorn in Max’s side, and who is well versed in heavenly affairs to which most angels have no access.

· 5. What could be this character’s emotional range

· Irritable to smugly superior, strict to permissive, discouraging to supportive, cold to engaging

· 6. What subtext can the actor play?

· Has an apparent knowledge base far beyond what the guardian angels have and is aware of what goes on in whole universe and the afterlife. Pretty much omniscient.

· 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

· With Max, with his own solution-searching peers, with humanity on the brink of self-destruction

· 8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

· As a spokes-angel for Heaven in an angel’s body.

·

· 9. What could make this character special and unique?

·

· An angel who isn’t always kind and loving but who is tuned in to the workings of the afterlife and has some say in the decisions there.

The first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

Role in the Story: Antagonist
Age range: ageless, been in Heaven
forever
Description: Looks like Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life with a non-nonsense approach to his guardian
angel assignment coordinator position, cheery until challenged
Core Traits: organized, cheerful, fatherly,
vindictive
Motivation; Want/Need: Want: success
from his angels Need: trust when things
go in another direction than he is prepared for
Wound: Like Max, also failed Cherub
Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: keeps order in his area. Pleasant comments to those going down to their assignments

Relatability: conflict with Max.
Empathy: shock at being given Max to
deal with;

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how complex the character instantly becomes with these traits

Character: Protagonist Max

Likability: gets everyone in the
office the healthy equivalent of coffee and donuts. Walks their dogs. Feeds
their cats and saved one from choking.
Relatability: fumbles in the office as
he’s trying to fit in. wins office football pool
Empathy: shock of entering a human
body. Humiliated by office manager before all

Character: Protagonist Jane

Likability: gives rides to boss when
car is in the shop. Brings flowers to the office. Coupons for aide.
Relatability: watches her money. Disagrees
with boss’s approach to his political rival
Empathy: She broke her arm in car accident
where dog died

Character: Antagonist Clarence

Likability: keeps order in his area. Pleasant
comments to those going down to their assignments
Relatability: conflict with Max.
Empathy: shock at being given Max to
deal with;

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Character Intrigue

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how easy it is to create intrigue in good people when I open to the possibility that good people have secrets and may behave badly at times and still be good people or even good angels.

Character
Name: Max
Role: Protagonist #1
Hidden agendas: Guardian Angel to
Jane, a future president
Competition: with Jane’s scumbag
superior for Jane’s attention
Conspiracie
Secrets: he is Jane’s guardian angel.
He is falling in love with her.
Deception: pretends to be a political
aide. He wears his angel robe and sandals when “off duty” until he is given
a “permanent” body and is caught changing clothes when that happens
Unspoken Wound: he has never fit in
among the other angels due to his heavy-handed approach
Secret Identity: guardian angel and
lover

How that character’s subtext might show up in your movie: he is nearly found out by Jane as her guardian angel. He bends the rules to gain her attention. Defends his actions as protection when they shift to love.

He is stubborn about his initial approach to Jane as forceful

Character
Name: Jane
Role: Protagonist #2
Hidden agendas: Reform politics with
truth-telling
Competition: with her political rival
to end dirty politics
Conspiracies: Jane and her superior plan
to sabotage his political rival
Secrets: she fears deep relationships
as interfering with her mission. She falls in love with Max
Deception: Pretends to go along with
her superior with a plan to destroy his competitor but then turns him in
before the plan is hatched
Unspoken Wound: Best friend lied to her
about their friendship
Secret Identity: political reformist

How that character’s subtext might show up in your movie: she tries not to fall in love with Max. She is loyal to honesty and shows courage in outing political dirty tricks.

Character
Name: Clarence
Role: Antagonist
Hidden agendas: Make Max a first-rate
guardian angel after flunking “cherub”
Competition:
Conspiracies:
Secrets: he campaigns on Max’s behalf
to change the rules re/ angels and humans interacting.
Deception:
Unspoken Wound: he failed cherub, too
Secret Identity: reformer of the rules
of “engagement” with humans

How that character’s subtext might show up in your movie: He bluffs his way through anger at Max later on as he is helping him. He breaks rules in the process. He makes suggestions to Max to help him discover his love for Jane.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s Actor Attractors

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I need to make my characters more interesting than I had been imagining, and yet I already know a lot about them without realizing it as the answers to these questions flowed pretty well. And I had fun.

Max (Protagonist)

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

An angel who explores the true nature of love while guardian his charge

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

He’s an angel struggling with his role. He falls in love with his charge.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Learn what true love is and does. Outsmart bad guys. Challenge his superiors.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

He’s a smug, heavy-handed know-it-all angel with authority issues.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range

Arrogant to humble to passionate

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Pretend to be a political flunkie while guiding, protecting and falling in love with a future president

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

A superior who doubts Max’s abilities, the woman he is to guard that he falls in love with, a scumbag politician intent on ruining his charge’s career.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

through an angel’s perspective of what it means to be a guardian angel

9. What could make this character special and unique?

He is an angel that falls in love with his human charge. He learns what true love really is and does.

Jane (Protagonist)

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

A woman who shakes up politics and becomes president.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

She goes against the grain of dirty politics and wins. She falls in love with an angel

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Resist dirty politics. Forge her way to the top against all odds. Fall in love after resisting it as a sign of weakness.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

A female politician in a mostly male environment who is determined to remain honest and principled and who is sensitive to spiritual forces around her

5. What could be this character’s emotional range

Independent and emotionally detached to passionate about her work and finally about her relationship

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Save humanity through becoming President of the US surrounded by noble, honest servants of humanity

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

Her guardian angel, her scumbag superior, her constituencies,

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As a lone honest voice in the wilderness of politics that grows in strength to a roar

9. What could make this character special and unique?

Her success in honest politics at the international level

Clarence (Antagonist)

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

It reflects (is?) the character in It’s a Wonderful Life and he supervises angels and has a fair amount of clout in Heaven

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

An angel who supervises other angels is the antagonist

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Doubt Max at every turn. Appear with knowledge of crucial heavenly events. Help orchestrate and then announce a major development in the relationship between angels and humans when all seems about to be lost.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

As Max’s new superior who refuses to respond to questions as to whether or not he is THAT Clarence, and who promises to be a thorn in Max’s side, and who is well versed in heavenly affairs to which most angels have no access.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range

Irritable to smugly superior, strict to permissive, discouraging to supportive, cold to engaging

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Has an apparent knowledge base far beyond what the guardian angels have and is aware of what goes on in whole universe and the afterlife. Pretty much omniscient.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With Max, with his own solution-searching peers, with humanity on the brink of self-destruction

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As a spokes-angel for Heaven in an angel’s body.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

An angel who isn’t always kind and loving but who is tuned in to the workings of the afterlife and has some say in the decisions there.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin’s actor attractors for You’ve Got Mail

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is the complexity and broad range of emotions and behaviors that blend to form the complex characters needed to make a story powerful.

Movie Title: You’ve Got Mail

Lead Character Name: Joe

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

He follows his nudges. He’s excellent at his work.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

He does what he knows best to do – put mom and pop bookstores out of business with his mega bookstores. He uses and abuses his power. He questions his own actions. He breaks up with a woman he doesn’t love to pursue true love. He has 2 personas and uses both with the woman he courts.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

A rich man who is searching for love in the only ways he knows.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

Cold-hearted business man to warm-hearted lover.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

A playful approach to someone he initially appears to have no feelings for who he keeps coming back to until he realizes he loves

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

Son, grandson, boss, lover, internet friend.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Through the internet he expresses his true feelings.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

How he interacts with the woman he courts – even while living with another

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

He brings flowers to the woman he put out of business and tries to befriend her, while starting to use words his internet persona uses, and finally expresses his warm-hearted side.

Movie Title: You’ve Got Mail

Lead Character Name: Kathleen

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

She’s witty, successful, determined, independent, willing to do what’s necessary to achieve her goal.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

She is the one everyone wants to help toward her goal. She is an expert in her field. She is David taking on Goliath, and then when she loses that battle, it doesn’t kill her. She puts herself out there in ways only a courage individual would and she is not afraid of failure.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

She takes on Goliath, breaks up with her live in boyfriend at the same time she quits the only business she has ever known and start with, essentially nothing.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

A successful single bookstore owner who needs true love in her life and is going for it in a non-vulnerable, innocent way that she is fooling herself into believing is not that.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

On top of the world to crushed to back up on top in a different, more fulfilled way.

6, What subtext can the actor play?

Not caring on the surface to, as we read her, truly caring deep down about a relationship that appears odd (online completely) until she is forced to let go of all she has known to follow a dream..

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

Romantic, mentee, boss, friend, businesswoman, fighter. loser

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Children’s bookstore owner who has a need for love that gets expressed online.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

She is in love with someone she doesn’t see and who she thinks she hates because she only sees his rough exterior in person.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

As she closes her store she shows a range of emotions and memories that she is able to let go of as she starts over again while pursuing a potential relationship on the internet.

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is I still need to learn more about the genre’s conventions as they are not simple. This is still more fun than I have had for a while screenwriting because I get to explore love in all its facets, not just romance. Lucky me.

Title: Will This Angel?

Concept: A future female president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

Genre: Romcom

Examples for Romcom:

· Purpose: experience falling in love again

· The Journey of Love

· Relationship set-up

· Issues

· Separation

· Comedy

Original:

Act 1:

Opening: In Heaven, Max is shown potential guardian
angel assignments including one for Jane.Presdon. He is not interested as
Jane is too independent to respond to his “adjusting” (interfering in) her
life circumstances so she can fulfill her destiny. Not his specialty.
Inciting Incident: Max is assigned to Jane as a good
match for both. He rebels. She feels his dismay without knowing its
source. His superior Clarence – who glares at the mention of the “other”
one – is sure this potentially difficult assignment should be given to a
more senior angel.

Turning Point: As a quite grumpy Max watches scenes
from her life to date, he is moved by her present situation to the point
that he feels only he can “guide” her next steps for her own good.

Act 2:

New plan: Max accepts the role on a temporary basis,
until she is clear of the impending danger. Jane is instrumental in
passing sweeping gun advocacy bills that in theory are about citizen
safety.
Plan in action: Jane resourcefully counters every
attempt of Max’s to keep her from connecting with a scumbag politician. He is
frustrated but not defeated, and frankly in awe of her take-charge
approach to situations.
Midpoint Turning Point: Clarence appears to Max to
tell him that he must change into a human body as his micro-managing and
pushy approach need to be tempered. It simply has too great an impact on
Jane’s life. Clarence must return right away. There is a growing concern
for the future of humanity that the higher-ups are debating. Jane is catapulted into the national
limelight when her boss is arrested for vote tampering.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Max as a human unknown to Jane
has to get close to her. He interviews as a political aide. Jane deals with
the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and
non-political ways. Max’s role is made easier when Jane’s political
advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place
before he leaves the interview room.
New plan: Help Jane while not trying to hover over
her or he will be extracted. Clarence will be watching him closely. Jane
realizes she needs warm human contact to balance the downright inhuman
politicians she is now forced to deal with.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Max
realizes he is in love with Jane, and feels his love causes him to lose
his objectivity so he cannot remain in his “role.” A manufactured scandal
ruins her presidential candidate boss’s reputation just before the
election. Max resigns from his position as aide.

Act 4:

Final Plan: Heaven. Clarence agrees that angels and
humans live in different realms. Max
should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane. There
remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in
these trouble times. It’s difficult to see how humanity can survive. But
Jane seems to be a key figure.

Back on earth, Jane fights back against the false scandal and turns the tables on her boss’s foes and as a result she, the boss, is now a shoe-in for President.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Max lets
go of all of his desires to shape her future so she is free to explore her
life as Presidential aide – that is what love does. Her boss decides to
leave politics to be with her family due to the impact the scandal had.
She suggests Jane as the candidate. The power mongers in her party agree. Jane has one demand: independence from
all outside forces except the love of her life – Max. But he has died
Resolution: Timing is everything. Clarence has pushed
a plan being kicked around to open the suffering world to the angelic
realm to give humanity a chance to survive its own destruction. And
Clarence has nominated Max as the test case. Max returns to his body. Only a moment
has passed since his departure. The
two finally are together.

New with genre conventions (red color didn’t transfer):

Act 1:

Opening: In Heaven, Max is shown potential guardian
angel assignments including one for Jane.Presdon. He is not interested as
Jane is too independent to respond to his “adjusting” (interfering in) her
life circumstances so she can fulfill her destiny. Not his specialty.
Inciting Incident: Max is assigned to Jane as a good
match for both. He rebels. She feels his dismay without knowing its
source. His superior Clarence – who glares at the mention of the “other”
one is sure this potentially difficult assignment should be
given to a more senior angel. He visits her at work as the recently hired temp (who no one knew was
coming or who hired him), surreptitiously interferes with her activities
to gauge her response. She finds ways to use each interference to her
advantage.

Turning Point: Back in Heaven, as a quite grumpy Max
watches scenes from her life to date, he is moved by her present situation
of being shamelessly manipulated by her political party
members to be a fall guy, to the point that he feels only he can “guide”
her next steps for her own good.

Act 2:

New plan: Max accepts the role on a temporary basis,
until she is clear of the impending danger. At first she tries to run from
the situation by deciding to resign from her position as she feels out of
control. Jane is instrumental in passing sweeping gun advocacy bills that
in theory are about citizen safety.
The two fight about the bills.
Plan in action: Jane resourcefully counters every
attempt of Max’s to keep her from connecting with a scumbag politician. He
is frustrated but not defeated, and frankly in awe of her take-charge
approach to situations. After first deciding to
run from the situation, she out-foxes the
manipulators in her party and does not end up being the fall guy.
Midpoint
Turning Point: Clarence appears to Max to tell him that he must change
into a fullf-time human body as his
micro-managing and pushy approach need to be tempered. It simply has too
great an impact on Jane’s life. Clarence must return right away. There is
a growing concern for the future of humanity that the higher-ups are
debating. Jane is catapulted into
the national limelight when her boss is arrested for vote tampering. Max
is the unintentional cause by bringing the fraud to light. They fight
about that.

Act 3:

Rethink
everything: Max<s> </s><s>as a human unknown to Jane has to get
close to her. He</s> interviews as a
political aide. After watching him in action since he started
working there, Jane deals with the cut-throat
realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and non-political
ways. Max’s role is made easier when Jane’s political advisor has a sudden
health crisis and she appoints Max in his place before he leaves the
interview room. Their attraction grows. Max is conflicted as he loses
his objectivity as her guardian angel.
New plan: Help Jane while not trying to hover over
her or he will be extracted. Clarence will be watching him closely. Jane
realizes she needs warm human contact to balance the downright inhuman
politicians she is now forced to deal with.
Turning
Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Max realizes he is in love with Jane,
and feels his love causes him to lose his objectivity so he cannot remain
in his “role.” A manufactured scandal ruins her presidential candidate
boss’s reputation just before the election. Max resigns from his
position as aide. He can’t explain
why, so she is confused and angry. They break up.

Act 4:

Final Plan: Heaven. Clarence agrees that angels and
humans live in different realms. Max
should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane. There
remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in
these trouble times. It’s difficult to see how humanity can survive. But
Jane seems to be a key figure.

Back on earth, Jane fights back against the false scandal over which she has little control, and turns the tables on her boss’s foes and as a result she, the boss, is now a shoe-in for President.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Max lets
go of all of his desires to shape her future so she is free to explore her
life as Presidential aide – that is what love does. Her boss decides to
leave politics to be with her family due to the impact the scandal had.
She suggests Jane as the candidate. The power mongers in her party agree. Jane has one demand: independence from
all outside forces except the love of her life – Max. But he has died
Resolution: Timing is everything. Clarence has pushed
a plan being kicked around to open the suffering world to the angelic
realm to give humanity a chance to survive its own destruction. And
Clarence has nominated Max as the test case. Max returns to his body. Only a moment
has passed since his departure. The
two finally are together.

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is how much fun a Romcom is to write. It’s an opportunity to explore love in all its facets. And a happy ending is guaranteed. The outline process gives a very good overview and can be tweaked as the story deepens. Subtext seems to be starting to shine through in a few areas, along with potential layers for a deeper and more complex story. Time will tell how it all comes together.

Concept: A future female president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

Main Conflict: Jane is an independent politician who bolts from situations she can’t control, while her guardian angel tries to steer her clear of challenging situations for her own good.

Protagonist #1:

Old Ways:

· micro-manages situations and people

· creates and forces situations

· acts like a helicopter parent

New Ways:

· allows people the freedom to act on their own

· stands back to allow situations to unfold

· acts like a lover

Protagonist #2:

Old Ways:

· treats her constituency like a herd vs. individuals

· runs from situations she can’t control

· stridently single

New Ways:

· loves her constituency

· sticks with situations where she is not the one in control

· has a loving relationship

Act 1:

Opening: In Heaven, Max is shown potential guardian
angel assignments including one for Jane.Presdon. He is not interested as
Jane is too independent to respond to his “adjusting” (interfering in) her
life circumstances so she can fulfill her destiny. Not his specialty.
Inciting Incident: Max is assigned to Jane as a good
match for both. He rebels. She feels his dismay without knowing its
source. His superior Clarence – who glares at the mention of the “other” one
– is sure this potentially difficult assignment should be given to a more senior
angel.

Turning Point: As a quite grumpy Max watches scenes
from her life to date, he is moved by her present situation to the point
that he feels only he can “guide” her next steps for her own good.

Act 2:

New plan: Max accepts the role on a temporary basis,
until she is clear of the impending danger. Jane is instrumental in
passing sweeping gun advocacy bills that in theory are about citizen
safety.
Plan in action: Jane resourcefully counters every
attempt of Max’s to keep her from connecting with a scumbag politician. He is
frustrated but not defeated, and frankly in awe of her take-charge
approach to situations.
Midpoint Turning Point: Clarence appears to Max to
tell him that he must change into a human body as his micro-managing and
pushy approach need to be tempered. It simply has too great an impact on
Jane’s life. Clarence must return right away. There is a growing concern for
the future of humanity that the higher-ups are debating. Jane is catapulted into the national
limelight when her boss is arrested for vote tampering.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Max as a human unknown to Jane
has to get close to her. He interviews as a political aide. Jane deals
with the cut-throat realities of national politics in surprisingly humane and
non-political ways. Max’s role is made easier when Jane’s political
advisor has a sudden health crisis and she appoints Max in his place
before he leaves the interview room.
New plan: Help Jane while not trying to hover over
her or he will be extracted. Clarence will be watching him closely. Jane
realizes she needs warm human contact to balance the downright inhuman
politicians she is now forced to deal with.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Max
realizes he is in love with Jane, and feels his love causes him to lose
his objectivity so he cannot remain in his “role.” A manufactured scandal
ruins her presidential candidate boss’s reputation just before the
election. Max resigns from his position as aide.

Act 4:

Final Plan: Heaven. Clarence agrees that angels and
humans live in different realms. Max
should return to Heaven so a new guardian angel can be assigned to Jane. There
remains a great deal of concern for humanity itself, and its survival in
these trouble times. It’s difficult to see how humanity can survive. But
Jane seems to be a key figure.

Back on earth, Jane fights back against the false scandal and turns the tables on her boss’s foes and as a result she, the boss, is now a shoe-in for President.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Max lets
go of all of his desires to shape her future so she is free to explore her
life as Presidential aide – that is what love does. Her boss decides to leave
politics to be with her family due to the impact the scandal had. She
suggests Jane as the candidate. The power mongers in her party agree. Jane has one demand: independence from
all outside forces except the love of her life – Max. But he has died
Resolution: Timing is everything. Clarence has pushed
a plan being kicked around to open the suffering world to the angelic
realm to give humanity a chance to survive its own destruction. And
Clarence has nominated Max as the test case. Max returns to his body. Only a moment
has passed since his departure. The
two finally are together.

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is a reminder of approaches to plot that make it easier to deepen the story with subtext.

Title: Will This Angel?

Concept: A future female president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

Character Structure: Romcom

Subtext plots:

Someone Hides Who They Are: Max is unable to tell Jane that he is her guardian angel until he confesses his love. Because it causes him to lose his objectivity, he feels he cannot continue in his role.

Superior Position: This being a Romcom, we know they will end up together despite appearances to the contrary.

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is that Romcoms run deeper than I thought as they delve into love in all its aspects, not just romance. Stating the arc, journey, the old and new ways, clarifies my vague concepts of the characters and their issues; what drives their behaviors.

Title: Will This Angel?

Concept: A future female president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

Character Structure: Romcom

Protagonist #1: Max

Arc Beginning: Overbearing and interfering with the human he’s assigned to guard

Arc Ending: Loves the human

Internal Journey: From overbearing to giving freedom

External Journey: From not knowing how to love to being in love

Old Ways:

· micro-manages situations and people

· creates and forces situations

· acts like a helicopter parent

New Ways:

· allows people the freedom to act on their own

· stands back to allow situations to unfold

· acts like a lover

Protagonist #2: Jane Presdon

Arc Beginning: Acts independent of others and their feelings

Arc Ending: Loves another

Internal Journey: Rejecting intimacy to love

External Journey: Political aide to president

Old Ways:

· treats her constituency like a herd vs. individuals

· runs from situations she can’t control

· stridently single

New Ways:

· loves her constituency

· sticks with situations where she is not the one in control

· has a loving relationship

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is I know so little about writing either “Rom” or “com” that I had to research Romcoms for hours to discover how much I may enjoy writing one.

Character/Protagonist #1: Max

Logline: Max is an angel who abandons his job of guardian angel when he falls in love with his charge Jane.

Unique: He is an angel overly fond of his charges.

Character/Protagonist 2: Jane Presdon

Logline: Jane is a klutzy political aide who will not lie

Unique: She will be president one day.

Antagonist: Clarence

Logline: Clarence the Angel who disapproves of giving this angel the role of guarding the future president.

Unique: A testy supervisor of guardian angels

[joe McGloin]

Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy, WGA screenwriter

What I learned from doing this assignment is I am still tweaking the title, and otherwise am ready to move forward. Looking forward to lots of creativity, from myself and fellow screenwriters.

Title: Will This Angel?

Concept: A future female president has a guardian angel who abandons his mission when he falls in love with her.

Character Structure: Romcom

[joe McGloin]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[joe McGloin]

Hi all,

It’s been a while since I’ve been in the forums and it’s good to be back here and with you. My name is Joe McGloin, I’ve written 3 shorts for the 48 Hour Film Project (and produced one of them), and 7 features, one a book adaptation with the author/executive producer. I hope to get as much inspiration and as many skills, tips, and techniques as I always get in SU classes. I am 71 and still writing nearly every day; that’s strange.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1st time for:

· How is this power struggle created?

The white quarterback tells the coach who he is, and so is the one who needs to be listened to, how to create the team. The coach responds by ridiculing the quarterback and then asserting his rightful position as coach, to be acknowledged by the quarterback.

· What is it about these characters that demand this power struggle?

One is a prejudiced white player who feels entitled to act on his views. The other is a black coach used to dealing with racial prejudice who must respond to this challenge right then and there as the future of his coaching depends on it.

· How does each character’s audience influence and depend upon this power struggle?

The white quarterback speaks only to the coach to present his expected role. His friend beside him is an extension of the white team.

The black coach needs to establish his seniority/role as coach to the white players and their white families, the black players and their families so all see that he is now in charge, not the prejudiced, entitled whites.

Watch 2nd time for:

· What drama is this scene built around?

Volatile race relations in the South, then the forced merger of 2 football teams filled with adolescents and their raging hormones.

· How are they expressing their Profile (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) through their words and actions?

Coach: Black man in a leadership position over impressionable white boys with their families looking on. He is no-nonsense, used to racial disparity and willing to confront it. He is articulate, confident, and courageous. He intends to make one team out of two.

All American: He is white, aggressive, prejudiced, but able to bend to/follow a strong leader. Wants to show his superiority, has no intention of playing with Blacks, but shows he is traibable.

Link to the scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUTJK0TOmyY

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

1. Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Coach feels like Daniel going into the lion’s den, not afraid, is up to the challenge of facing extreme prejudice from several directions, while mixing two teams that are like oil and water. This all seems impossible, but we have faith in his confidence.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1st time for:

How
mismatched are these two?

Dr, is a refined black musician who will not be welcomed in the South. Tony is a white mob man, an enforcer, with unrefined tastes and no knowledge of music. In the 60’s, a white man would never work for a black man. Dr. is worldly, Tony’s world seems to be the mafia.

What do
they have to get over to be able to work together and become friends?

Race issues. Class issues. Communication issues with someone from another world. Distaste for the other’s background and personalities. Culture clash.

Knowing
that Tony gets the job, how does this mismatch create a future for both characters?

They must learn to overcome all the above if the job is going to work for both. That means a steep learning curve for both.

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama
is this scene built around?

Tony needs the job and Dr. needs someone who can run interference with a minimum of upheaval to the tour. The more they talk, the more their differences are highlighted, but the more they need each other becomes clear.

What
profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up
in these two character’s words and actions?

Dr.: The musician has to go on tour; it’s his livelihood. His race makes the tour route a danger to his very life. If he is to be successful, he has to depend on this man who he does not get along with.

Tony: the man who by reputation is the best one to run interference for his employer, he is a mob enforcer so must have a lot of secrets. He has a family he has to support so needs to adapt to this difficult situation as the job unfolds.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

Please
watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes
this character great from a writing perspective.

The two couldn’t be more opposite but clearly need each other. Every dialogue exchange rubs the other the wrong way, but they remain interdependent. The laundry list of ways they clash will all have to be resolved if this arrangement is going to work.

[joe McGloin]

I learned that my protagonist is too passive when it comes to confronting the antagonist, and could do more to figure out the antagonist’s strengths and weaknesses rather than running from them.

[joe McGloin]

WATCH 1st TIME FOR:

What tension comes from putting
these two worthy opponents face-to-face?

Each wants to kill the other. Each shows how they are similarly matched by gun or cup twirling. Doc eases the tension by mocking Ringo but at the same time showing he is up to that standard of gunplay.

What does Doc discover about
Johnny’s character in their first meeting?

That, like himself, he is educated, full of hate, and won’t back down. That Ringo is aggressive, aching for a fight, that his reputation of being a fast draw is correct, and that he reminds him of himself.

How these two characters stand out
from the others.

Each is intensely interested in the other, as if they are searching out each others’ strengths and weaknesses. They only know each other by reputation, so now they get to see the “real” other.

WATCH 2nd TIME FOR:

·What drama is this scene built
around?

Law upholders, even previous, vs. law breakers; which side is stronger or more likely to prevail in a confrontation; who is going to die when the inevitable confrontation occurs;

What profile items (right
character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two
character’s words and actions?

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1st time for:

What causes you to believe these
two belong together?

Red doesn’t have a negative word about Seabiscuit. He makes Red smile. He says the horse has spirit, and we know from a previous scene that he himself does, too. They are similar. Then he makes a connection between a possible jockey of the same ilk, an outsider who will fight to his last breath.

Notice any similar emotions and
actions.

Neither is a people “person.” Red understands that it takes a certain kind of rider, one like Seabiscuit himself, to ride. Seabiscuit will permit nothing less. Red seems to be talking about Seabiscuit in a way the horse hears and responds to – he can be ridden, “eventually.”

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama is this scene built
around?

A wild horse and a wild potential jockey, a horse owner who doesn’t understand the spirited nature of his horse, and the trainer who does. Conflict between the potential jockey and other jockeys, the trainer and the owner, the horse and everyone but Red.

What profile items (right
character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two
character’s words and actions?

Red – right character as the only human around who understands the
horse, and who is also himself misunderstood as a relic vs. his true nature as
an excellent horse trainer. He has patience, understanding, knowledge of horses;
he has difficulty with people that can be overcome (in his future) if he can
show that this horse that has issues is, deep down, a winner – like himself.

Seabiscuit: like Red, is
misunderstood by people, has a lot of pent-up emotion that just needs an
appropriate outlet. Knows how to be a winner, just needs the right circumstances.
Probably has been abused and disrespected by people but can in the future show
his true colors.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

1. Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective.

He is a fine person who is misunderstood by those around him. He sees himself in a horse, a relic from a by-gone era who actually possesses real talent and worth. He can redeem himself by leading out from the horse what he wants in himself. The horse seems to understand/talk with him. Both can be magnificent specimens of their species if given the right circumstances.

[joe McGloin]

Magnus’s student needs a re-boot of his traits and opportunities to explore his being right for the new role.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1st time for:

What causes you to believe these
two belong together?

It is as if the radio host is talking to Annie as well as Sam. Sam’s comments affect Annie emotionally.

Notice any similar emotions, words,
and actions.

Both say, “Dr. Marsha, and they say “Yes, you do” (invade his privacy) together. She responds with nearly teary emotion to his description of his deceased (? )wife. You need someone just as much as Jonah does, and Annie says to the radio, Yes. Both Same Annie appear lonely, and are able to admit it.

Watch 2nd time for:

· What drama is this scene built around?

Mutual loneliness. A captivating conversation that is painfully public. The deep need for good old romantic love. Public admission of private feelings. Pain it’s difficult to put into words, a pain we have all felt and have difficulty dealing with due to its depth.

· What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Sam: He is lonely and not very good at expressing feelings but tries, is genuine, has a sense of humor, willingness to put himself “out there” and very publicly; is lonely and has little self-confidence; needs a partner for his son, and for himself, and has an unstated goal of getting a mother for his son and a wife for himself.

Annie: engaged with Sam and his son so is right for them, is warm, lonely, looking for love, has probably been rejected in love more than once, wants a relationship.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

1. Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Sam is looking for love, knows what it is as he has experienced it and a good partner; has aspirations for his son and secondarily apparently, for himself; has a nature that implies he is going to be successful at finding what he needs. We are willing to go on that journey with him, as he is a kind of everyman – likeable, intelligent, a sense of humor, knows what he wants.

[joe McGloin]

I have only re-thought scenes, with notes to myself as to how to accomplish it. But if anyone wants feedback, I am happy to give it, and if you really want an exchange, I will re-write a scene and send it to you.

[joe McGloin]

The deeper and more raw the wound and the closer it rises to the surface, the more it affects the character’s behavior and the greater the need to address it.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1^st time for:

– What
causes both characters to reveal their wounds?

The intensity of the moment of one declaring their love. How that declaration triggers past bad experiences and assumed present and future similar/same experiences. The vulnerability of both in the intimate moment of discovery of deep pain difficult to face.

– How
are those wounds motivating their emotions, actions, and reactions?

The desires for love meet the pain of past experiences in that arena, causing them to fear the same extreme pain again, to have the old wounds reopened with the salt of new pain rubbed into them by the very one they hope to gain a different, better result from this time.

– How
is each character threatening the other’s wound?

Skylar is talking about leaving for California, which can feel to the over-sensitive Will like going away, even though she has asked him to go with her.

Will is so freaked out by the possibility of abandonment again that he tries to cut it off by rejecting Skylar’s love, even questions her sincerity, which feeds her fear of loss of the love she has poured so much hope and passion into.

Watch 2^nd time for:

What
drama was this scene built around?

Class
distinction, the powerful feelings of emotional love, deep-seated fear of
not really being loved by this other person, denial of feelings, the
opportunity to take a love relationship to the next, deeper level, fear of
change, fear of making a big mistake and it being too late for a “take-back.”

What
traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?
Will: anger, low self-confidence, incapacity to be loved

Skylar: excitement, fear of rejection, optimism, forgiveness

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

Please
watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes
this character great from a writing perspective.

Will’s conflict is deep, raw, and strong. It pushes him in negative ways he cannot control, that he probably doesn’t even want, but there it is. But he can verbalize it, and appears to have strengths that will aid him in growing into the kind of person we can perceive that he can be potentially- he is very smart, articulate, and has strength of character exhibited in the earlier clip (loyal friend, a leader). He is relatable in his fears about love, and so is a good model for our transformational journey from not getting what love is in its fullness to maybe having at least a greater understanding of it. And there is no greater desire we have than to know love in all its facets, except maybe the desire to go home, but the two seem inextricably intertwined.

[joe McGloin]

What I learned rewriting my scene is that with a secret as big as this one, a three part reveal with a demand will make its revelation all the more powerful.

[joe McGloin]

Week 1 Day 4: Secrets and Reveals – LOST

cheryl croasmun November 12, 2021

KEY POINT: When a main character has a relevant secret, it creates many opportunities for conflict, drama, and intrigue. But the secret can’t be just anything. It needs to be something that will be a major disruption to the plot and/or the other characters. Then, you need to set up demand for the secret to be revealed.

SET UP: Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are in a love triangle. Both men suspect Kate of something, but don’t know for sure what it is. Jack has spent his life saving people in E.R. and could never forgive a murder.

Watch 1^st time for:

How is Kate’s secret set up? What causes demand to know what the secret is? How is Kate’s secret revealed?

Watch 2^nd time for:

What drama was this scene built around? What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?

3 DIFFERENT REVEALS ABOUT KATE

DEMAND: Marshall dying, gives Jack the Wanted Poster on Kate.

ADMISSION: Sawyer gets Kate to admit her secret.

REVEAL: What Kate Did

<div>Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective.</div><div>

Kate is relaxed on the surface but her secret is extreme and would be wildly upsetting for the rest of the people on the island. She is engaging but we don’t know to what end – will she kill again or is she just looking for romance. She kills premeditatively and without visible emotion. She is beautiful, so could act like a spider spinning a web for the individual attracted to her. Or maybe the dead man had it coming, and she just needs companionship. We have to guess at this point.

</div>

[joe McGloin]

Rethink or
create a scene for your script using your new insights and rewrite that
scene/character.

The audience needs to see how he, either gradually or suddenly, became irresistibly attached to what he needs to let go of, and not just the results of the incident or process. Junah’s wound happened during the war. My character’s happened in a way we need to see to understand, not just see the results of that incident or process.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1^st time for:

Where is
Junah coming from?

Consciously he wants no part of the upcoming game. Unconsciously he is looking to play, and looking to regain his confidence in himself he lost in the war.

Where is
Bagger Vance coming from?

Heaven, apparently, and has been sent or volunteered to help guide this lost and broken individual back to his true self, for which process they are using the term “getting back his golf swing.”

What makes
them right for their roles in this movie?

Junah has been broken by his life experiences, is struggling to find his way back to himself and a normal life, but has hit a wall. That’s why he is hitting balls (trying), but into the darkness where he can’t see where they go, so can’t get the feedback he needs to make the necessary changes. The fact that he is at least trying indicates he is ready to do the work, but badly needs a guide.

Bagger Vance, as a kind of guardian angel, is the perfect version of Junah, confident, happy, and just able to be himself. He obviously knows golf and its relationship to life itself, where Junah is now and appears to also know what Junah needs to do to overcome his problems, so is the perfect guide.

Watch 2^nd time for:

What drama
was this scene built around?

The “lost” golf swing is the surface issue for the greater problem of Junah having lost himself, and his way. He’s even considering not playing the game, which could, on a deeper level, potentially be about taking his own life. He is at a crossroads here. He has a potential way out, way back, or way home, however you want to view it, in this enigmatic individual that he has to decide if he wants as his “caddie” or not.

<div>
What
traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions? ,
</div><div>

Junah: determination, generosity, patience, openness to new
experiences, fear, self-deprecation

</div>

Bagger: humility, appreciative of the little things in life, sense of humor, respectful, knowledgeable about golf and life, gratitude, engaging, enigmatic, confident, philosophical, mentor-like

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

Please
watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes
this character great from a writing perspective.

Junah could be every-person, which makes the potential for the audience having a transformational journey. He has a deep, relatable wound that has caused existential issues for him. He exhibits the potential for a profound life change as he has the traits of a successful person and is open to “divine” guidance.

[joe McGloin]

What I learned is to
layer the importance of the successor so the future of the world hangs in
the balance, making the actions of the predecessor just as important to the
world. In brief, Increase the stakes by layering.

[joe McGloin]

Watch 1^st time for:

What future is Sarah
Connor living into?

Preparing herself to give birth and train the future savior of humankind

What future is Kyle Reese
living into?

Keeping Sarah alive and training her to become a soldier capable of stopping a terminator

What is Sarah’s
transformation that is implied by this scene?

She will change from a clueless person with no future to become the mother and trainer of humanity’s savior.

Watch 2^nd time for:

What drama was this
scene built around?

Running from a terminator and the entire police force.

What traits showed up in
these two character’s words and actions?

Sarah – trust, compassion, fear, strength to overcome her inadequacies, curiosity, superhuman strength of will and desire to learn what she needs to know despite her inadequacies, lack of confidence, disorganization, initial desire to refuse the “honor”

Kyle – stamina, focus on staying alive and keeping Sarah safe, love, adventuresome, admiration for John and his mother, fearlessness, ability to withstand pain

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

Please watch this scene
and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character
great from a writing perspective.

Sarah starts out as “every woman,” unsure, lacking self=confidence, in a dead-end job of a dead-end life. Her true character is revealed in future-hindsight. She rises from an unknown with no real goal in life to the most important human being and mother of her time. She changes from an average person to a superhero of sorts by overcoming her own inadequacies, and every obstacle life and future cyborgs throw at her to see that her son survives to be the savior. She is a kind of Mary mother of Jesus in Western culture.

[joe McGloin]

I learned that to introduce my character with a hint of the extreme trait sets off the other “regular” traits in stark contrast. I plan to return to that scene to see if I can place that trait I have now introduced at the end of the scene, where it should just hang there.

[joe McGloin]

What traits do you see
or hear in these main characters – Will, Skylar, and Chuckie?

Will: brash, confident, loyal, genius

Skylar: egotistical, snobbish, arrogant

Chuckie: playful, transparent, friendly

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama did the
writers create to trigger and deliver these traits?

A young macho stud battle with an audience of peers that began as an intellectual confrontation that escalated to emotional and could have ended in a physical altercation

Why do you think the
group picked a Harvard bar?

Emotional safety; they really have no chance of a real relationship with any of the women, or a friendship with any men because the group is from a lower class.

…What makes this character
great from a writing perspective.

He has admirable traits; a knight in shining armor for his friend embarrassed in front of young women, possesses the extreme trait of being a genius with a photographic memory, and is articulate enough to hold his own in any high-brow conversation, yet we know he has a fascinating wound that makes him content to literally clean up after adolescent students he could run intellectual rings around. Emotionally, he must be quite stunted to find comfort in being around and cleaning up after young people. We want to go on the journey to see what would cause a genius to cover their own high potential with a menial, even demeaning, position in life, to “graduate” into full fruition and become all that he can be.

[joe McGloin]

1. Joe McGloin

2. 8

3. To learn the secrets of creating characters at a professional level.

4. I moved to Minnesota at age 70.

[joe McGloin]

Joseph McGloin I agree to the terms this release form

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGoin’s QE 6 take 2

Logline: Flying reconnaissance in a stealth jet, Carley and Marcus discuss deal with multiple life-and-death issues

Essence: The flight is the crucible of their budding relationship

Scene

EXT. U2 JET IN FLIGHT – DAY

Flying above the clouds. A thin trail of fuel leaks from the jet’s belly.

INT. U2 JET COCKPIT – DAY

CAPTAIN CARLEY BREZNEV, 40, calm and focused, pilots the jet. Beside her sits Lieutenant MARCUS RILEY, 40’s, stiff, troubled, bent over a screen flashing a message.

CARLEY

(into helmet radio)

Dropping to 40,000. Please acknowledge.

RADIO TOWER

Roger. Careful, Breznev. You’re in radar range.

CARLEY

Copy that. I’ll handle whatever they throw at us.

Glances at Marcus.

CARLEY

May I ask what you’re reading? You look spellbound.

Stares at her for a long moment, considering.

MARCUS

We have a mole. Shouldn’t be hard to figure out who.

Her turn to stare at her companion.

CARLEY

They shouldn’t be looking at me just because my grandfather was Russian.

MARCUS

Who said they are? 40,000 – even 50 = keeps us in radar range. 70, I strongly suggest.

CARLEY

How about you trust your commanding officer’s judgment?

MARCUS

How about ANY of us could be the mole? Sorry, Captain; guess I’m a little jumpy.

They exchange warm glances.

A gauge jumps. Both notice.

MARCUS

We’re being jammed. Evasive action.

CARLEY

(into radio)

Bird to Tower. Radio silence until we clear target. Not taking any chances.

RADIO TOWER

Roger.

MARCUS

Happened as soon as we entered the target zone. Like they knew we were coming. That narrows it down to the flight crew. Just us chickens.

CARLEY

Maybe I should take it up to 70?

MARCUS

Maybe you should have when I–

CARLEY

Taking us to 70. Above any radar. On MY order, your…observation.

Gives him a warning glance; don’t mess with your commanding officer. Marcus reads a dial.

MARCUS

Over target.

Sets a clock countdown. Presses the button. Countdown clock: 5:00, then 4:59…4:58…

Several cameras click off one photo after another.

MARCUS

5 minutes to complete surveillance and head home. Maybe have a party at base since a lot rides on this mission. Champagne. Balloons.

CARLEY

We’ll be out of here in 4, sidekick. Good call on climb to 70.

MARCUS

Sorry to bring this up now, but = Why not me?

CARLEY

Clarify, Lieutenant.

MARCUS

You could have had Morse or even Rodriguez here by promoting me. You know I was the best candidate for the officer training. But you promoted Rodriquez instead, and so you got me for this mission.

CARLEY

How about, you aren’t a yes man?

MARCUS

Begging your pardon, sir, but neither is either one of them.

CARLEY

Ok. Maybe I am the mole, a twenty year vet. Maybe I’m tired of the Air Force and need an exciting change.

He’s squirming. Staring blankly at the gauges.

CARLEY

Maybe I just glanced at the promotion roster and poked a finger. I don’t remember.

MARCUS

Don’t remember who you wanted on a highly sensitive mission we may not return from – comrade?

MARCUS’S SCREEN

“Breznev eliminated as possible mole. Captain not a threat to mission status. Disregard sabotage protocol.

CARLEY

Maybe I didn’t know what I wanted.

He looks directly at her.

MARCUS

I felt betrayed. At first.

CARLEY

Eyes on the gauges, soldier.

MARCUS

Then later, I felt– What the…?

Marcus stares at the gas gauge, in the red zone.

MARCUS

We’re nearly on fumes. We should have plenty of fuel–

They stare at each other, wide-eyed.

MARCUS

Frazier! He’s the mole!

CARLEY

The gentleman who fills our tank?

MARCUS

He made sure we won’t make it back. But we’ll figure a way around that. Right? Call the tower!

CARLEY

Why the Hell didn’t you notice that earlier, soldier?

MARCUS

I was…distracted. My imagination has been running wild over…my…being here and all.

Carley glances at the countdown clock.

CARLEY

Like Hell we won’t make it back.

Glances at the countdown clock.

CARLEY

Too soon to break radio silence? Letting them know about Frazier may have to wait. Sorry I got you into this mess.

The jet jolts, hit from below, slamming down, then forward in their seats.

CARLEY

We’re hit! Have to ditch. I’ll take us in, you’ll be ok. Guide me.

Marcus pulls up a map on his screen.

MARCUS

300 degrees! Now!

Carley pulls the jet into a sharp turn. Smoke billows past the window.

MARCUS

The field! There! Bring her down!

Land races up toward them.

MARCUS

Too steep! Nose up! Nose up!

They crash land.

MARCUS

I’m glad I’m with you. If this is our last…you know.

Pulls a rifle from behind her seat. Marcus’s eyes go wide.

CARLEY

Nobody’s dying on my watch.

Marcus pulls out a knife and a pistol.

MARCUS

I’m going before you do.

Their eyes meet.

MARCUS

I…care. You are no spy. Even if you were…

CARLEY

I guess that’s why I wanted you here…I care, too. I’m retiring early. I want children. Are you interested?

MARCUS

No, sorry, I’m not.

CARLEY

Oh. All right then.

MARCUS

No, I mean, not interested in retirement. In you, yes. And children. Yes. Yes. Yes. Six or eight or twelve…all at once, if you like.

She glances out the window.

CARLEY

Soldiers! We’re going to be all ri–

MARCUS

I don’t recognize those uniforms, but I do the guns. American. They’re holding them wrong. They are not professionals.

They turn and look out the other side.

CARLEY

More soldiers. Different uniforms. In case this is the last thing…I do…

She looks into his eyes. They unbuckle. Hug.

MARCUS

With all my heart-throbbing, sky-jumping, happy…whatever! I do…too.

They kiss.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s QE 6 Scene

What I learned doing this assignment that improved my writing is that simply practicing makes each assignment easier

Logline: Flying reconnaissance in a stealth jet, Carley and Marcus discuss deal with multiple life-and-death issues

Essence: The flight is the crucible of their budding relationship

Scene:

EXT. U2 JET IN FLIGHT – DAY

Flying above the clouds.

INT. U2 JET COCKPIT – DAY

CAPTAIN CARLEY BREZNEV, 40, calm and focused, pilots the jet. Beside her sits Lieutenant MARCUS RILEY, 40’s, stiff, troubled, bent over a screen flashing a message.

CARLEY

(into helmet radio)

Climbing to 50,000. Please acknowledge.

RADIO TOWER

Roger. Careful, Breznev. You’re in range of their radar.

CARLEY

Copy that. I can handle whatever they throw at us.

Glances at Marcus.

CARLEY

Interesting reading?

MARCUS

We have a mole. We can probably figure out who. A test of some kind.

CARLEY

They shouldn’t be looking at me just because my grandfather was Russian.

MARCUS

50,000 still puts us in radar range. 70, I say.

CARLEY

How about you trust your commanding officer’s judgment?

MARCUS

How about ANY of us could be the mole?…Sorry, Captain.

They exchange suspicious glances.

A gauge jumps. Both notice.

MARCUS

We’re being jammed. Evasive action.

CARLEY

(into radio)

Bird to Tower. Radio silence until we clear target. Not taking any chances.

RADIO TOWER

Roger.

MARCUS

As soon as we entered the target zone. Like they knew we were coming. That narrows it down to the crew, in my book.

CARLEY

Maybe I should take it up to 70?

MARCUS

Maybe you should have when I–

CARLEY

Taking us to 70. Above any radar. On MY order, your observation.

Gives him a warning glance; don’t mess with your commanding officer.

Marcus sets a clock countdown. Presses the button. Countdown clock: 5:00, then 4:59…4:58…

MARCUS

5 minutes to complete surveillance and head home. Maybe do a victory lap since a lot rides on this mission.

CARLEY

We’ll be out of here in 4, sidekick. Capturing images starting…now. Good call on climb to 70.

Several cameras start clicking off one photo after another.

MARCUS

Sorry to bring this up now, but = Why not me?

CARLEY

Clarify, Lieutenant.

MARCUS

You could have had Morse or even Rodriguez here by promoting me. You know I was the best candidate for the officer training. But you promoted Rodriquez instead, and so you got me for this mission.

CARLEY

How about, you aren’t a yes man?

MARCUS

Begging your pardon, sir, but neither is either one of them.

CARLEY

Ok. Maybe I just glanced at the promotion roster and poked a finger. I don’t remember.

MARCUS

Don’t remember who you wanted on a mission we may not return from?

MARCUS’S SCREEN

“Despite Russian ancestry of Captain Hain, she is eliminated as possible mole.

CARLEY

Maybe I didn’t know what I wanted.

He looks directly at her.

MARCUS

I felt betrayed. At first.

CARLEY

Eyes on the gauges, soldier.

MARCUS

Then later, I felt– What the…?

Marcus stares at the gas gauge, in the red zone.

MARCUS

We’re nearly on fumes. We should have plenty…

They stare at each other, wide-eyed.

MARCUS

Frazier is the mole!

CARLEY

The gentleman who fills our tank?

MARCUS

He made sure we won’t make it back. But we’ll figure a way around that. Right?

CARLEY

Why the Hell didn’t you notice that earlier, soldier?

MARCUS

I was…distracted. My imagination has been running wild over…my…being here and all.

Carley glances at the countdown clock.

CARLEY

Like Hell we won’t make it back.

Glances at the countdown clock.

CARLEY

Too soon to break radio silence. Sorry I got you into this mess.

The jet jolts, hit from below, slamming down, then forward in their seats.

CARLEY

We’re hit! Have to ditch. I’ll take us in, don’t worry. Guide me.

Marcus pulls up a map on his screen.

MARCUS

300 degrees! Now!

Carley pulls the jet into a sharp turn. Smoke billows past the window.

MARCUS

The field! There! Bring her down!

They crash land.

MARCUS

I’m glad I’m with you. If this is our last…you know.

Pulls a rifle from behind her seat.

CARLEY

Nobody’s dying on my watch.

Marcus pulls out a knife and a pistol.

MARCUS

I’m going before you do.

Their eyes meet.

MARCUS

I…care.

CARLEY

I guess that’s why I wanted you here…I care, too. I’m retiring early. I want children. Are you interested?

MARCUS

No, sorry, I’m not.

CARLEY

Oh. All right then.

MARCUS

No, I mean, not interested in retirement. In you, yes. And children. Yes. Yes. Yes. Six or eight or twelve…all at once, if you like.

She glances out the window.

CARLEY

Soldiers! We’re going to be all r…wait…

MARCUS

I don’t recognize those uniforms, but I do the guns. American. They’re holding them wrong. They are not professionals.

They turn and look out the other side.

CARLEY

More soldiers. Different uniforms. I don’t recognize those either. In case this is the last thing…I do…

She looks into his eyes.

MARCUS

With all my heart-throbbing, sky-jumping, happy being, I do…too.

They kiss.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s reply for critique

INT. ICE RINK – NIGHT

A skater twirls with a flourish as she completes her routine to hearty applause. Teddy bears rain onto the ice. One is picked up by a security guard who huddles with other guards. They nod and point up into the stands.

BRANDY

She’s my absolute favorite. I run her fan club.

PHILLIP

I know. I threw all the bearsto her. Gently, so she wouldn’t trip.

Brandy, 13, is bright eyed and confident. Phillip beside her, 15, geeky and relaxed. He’s watching the action below them as seven security guards race up into the stands.

PHILLIP

Goodness! They must be after an entire gang. I’m glad my conscience is clear. Mostly.

Converging on the section where the two sit.

PHILLIP

The bad buys must be near us. I’ll protect you. Of course, my seat is the best – yours is second – even for watching what happens up here.

She moves close to him.

BRANDY

Don’t let them hurt me. I can’t protect myself. What would my fan club do?

They stop at Phillip who plops a nervous handful of raisins into his mouth.

PHILLIP

What’s shakin’?

SECURITY GUARD 1

We know what you did, sir. Come with us please.

He’s trying to process as he glances from one security guard to another, then blankly at Brandy who seems frozen to her seat, mute.

SECURITY GUARD 2

Now, sir.

Phillip pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

PHILLIP

(nervous laughter)

It must have been one of my church antics. I asked for forgiveness. And got it, of course. So I’m…under arrest?

SECURITY GUARD 1

Not yet, sir. Find this funny, do you?

PHILLIP

Of course not, my good man. Absurd, maybe.

The Security Guard grabs him.

PHILLIP

Not you, I mean, the situation. Shouldn’t you be searching for a real bad guy? I see at least 10 from here.

As he’s lifted and carried away, he glances at Brandy who is talking too softly to hear, to the Chief Security Guard who leads her away from their seats.

INT. SECURITY GUARD OFFICE – LATER

A dark, dank room with soundproofing on the walls and door.

Brandy and the chief security guard wink at one another as Phillip is tossed into a chair by four burly security guards who surround him. The Chief stands behind them.

Brandy drops to the floor beside Phillip, hugging his waist and crying out with a little too much drama.

BRANDY

Why are you doing this to my brother? All he did was throw my bears onto the ice for me. That’s what you do when you like a skater!

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

One of them had an explosive attached.

Brandy stands and stares down at her brother.

BRANDY

Explosive? Did you…?

Steps back from him, close to the guards.

BRANDY

(to guards)

Protect me.

PHILLIP

No! Of course not! Did you? You certainly had the time.

Chief Security Guard glances at Brandy. Goes to the door and opens it.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Tell you what. You can leave now, or stay for questioning. If you leave and we find evidence enough to bring you back in, things will not go well for you. Your choice.

Phillip stares at the open, beckoning door. Then at his sister. Then the guards.

PHILLIP

I’ll stay. I’m sure I will only get what I deserve.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

(smiling)

Let’s see. I can go get myself a cup of coffee while my cohorts here

(air quotes)

“talk” with you, or stay and

(air quotes)

“Talk” with you myself. Hmmm. I’ll stay.

One guard shines a light in Phillip’s face. A second un-clips then re-clips handcuffs onto his belt. Phillip’s eyes bug as he stares at a third guard. The guard ever so slowly un-holsters his baton, then smacks his palm with it over and over.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Make yourself comfortable. You may be here a while.

A fourth guard jingles his handcuffs. Phillip stares at them. The guard jingles them again, glancing at Brandy to say, “that’s your cue.” She comes closer to Phillip.

BRANDY

This is all just a big misunderstanding. Phillip wouldn’t hurt a fly.

(at him)

Would you?

PHILLIP

No! I have no idea what this is all about! Unless…did you do something bad?

BRANDY

ME? Do something bad? When have I ever?

PHILLIP

When I twisted your Ken doll’s head off, you put salt in my coffee. These gentlemen should know that about you. Your predilection to terrorize.

BRANDY

You ruined their relationship! What can I do with just Barbie? My friends would laugh.

PHILLIP

I’m sorry! I’ll never forgive myself

Chief Security Guard steps between them, pulls out a plastic explosive-looking device.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

And how do you explain this, around the neck of one of the bears?

Phillip moves to examine it; Chief Security Guard pulls it back and pockets it.

PHILLIP

Excuse me, but…that looks like plastic–

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

It’s real enough! And I’m the one asking the questions here.

BRANDY

Oh Phillip! How could you? I’m ruined!

PHILLIP

I DIDN’T, I tell you. Perhaps one of the security guards has a thing for you–

BRANDY

(to chief security guard)

Do what you must with him! I have washed my hands of the whole affair.

(to Phillip)

Our parents will be SO disappointed to have a jail bird in the family! My own brother!

With a final glance back at her brother, she marches out the door that shuts with an ominous SLAM.

SECURITY GUARD 1

(to Phillip)

I hope you brought your toothbrush.

The four guards form a tight circle around Phillip.

PHILLIP

(to Chief Security Guard)

I thought she’d never leave. How much did she pay you, Greg?

The other guards stare at the two.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Twenty dollars.

From his pocket he pulls out a bald doll.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Said you cut her Barbie doll’s hair off.

PHILLIP

She said she wanted a punk Barbie. Then she got upset when she saw it. I know her well enough to know her look of revenge I saw that day. But this was elaborate even for her. Was I convincing?

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

A born actor.

PHILLIP

(to other guards)

You know you guys can’t arrest people unless they’ve actually committed a felony, right?

He disperses them with a dismissive wave. Embarrassed, they step back.

Phillip stands.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Uh, twenty dollars. You said you would double whatever she paid me.

PHILLIP

Sure. I’ll get it for you from my parents when I get home. I’ll take of her then, too. I’ve earned a bit of revenge.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

When you get home?

Phillip pushes the Chief Security Guard.

PHILLIP

MOVE, Greg. Don’t get your underwear in a bundle; I’m good for it.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Sit down, Phil.

All five burly guards surround the teen.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s QE 5

What I learned doing this that improved my writing is I can jam all 21 techniques into a scene, but I need more practice focusing on character interactions

LOGLINE: Brandy seeks revenge on her brother for disposing of her priceless collection.

ESSENCE: One person’s meat is another’s poison

(Max. Ent. Tech. list rearranged below from original list here)

Max Entertainment Techniques Sequenced for Outline:

Surprise – they’re coming for him in the stands.

Hook – So many security guards converging on our section. Must be after a whole slew of bad guys.

Anticipatory Dialogue – They’re looking right at us. Right at me.

Misinterpretation – Phillip laughs at their humor; they say he’s laughing at them.

Mislead/Reveal – Brandy is happy that he threw her bears for her favorite skater

More interesting setting – the room is dark, dank, and soundproof

Superior Position – Brandy and a guard nod at one another once Phillip is tossed into the chair.

Dilemma – The door is open; he can stay and take it or leave and have them bring him back if they find he has lied even once

Dilemma – guard can go get a coffee and let them have at him, or stay and have the fun himself. He forgoes the coffee

Suspense – 3 guards stand around him, one with handcuffs, one with a baton out, one asking questions while shining a light in his face

Something Unseen – a baton coming off a holster makes Phillip’s eyes bug out

Predictions – you could be with us for quite a while

Intrigue – Is a guard in on it?

Uncomfortable Moment – A guard jingles his handcuffs

Mystery – Why is Brandy doing this?

Uncertainty: Hope/fear – May be released or go to jail

Betrayal – she leaves him with a misunderstanding by the guards of what he did with the bears

Character changes radically – Brandy suddenly walks away

Creating a future – better have your toothbrush

Major Twist – Brandy pays a security guard as she leaves the room

Cliffhanger – Brandy leaves with his getting a slap on the wrist but the room gets very quiet when he asks, Is that it?

Dramatic Character Relationships:

Chief Security Guard: sly, powerful, greedy, amiable.

Character Subtext – Greg is playing both sides of this situation

Brandy/Chief:

Rapport – entertaining/amiable

Conflict – status seeking/powerful

Contrast – needy/greedy

Competition – deceptive/sly

Phillip/Chief:

Rapport – polite/amiable

Conflict – sense of entitlement/powerful

Contrast – guilt ridden/greedy

Competition – manipulative/sly

Reveals:

Current Situation/ Cover up: detained by security guards

Demand: threatened by guards

Reveal: revenge

Current Situation/ Cover up: being questioned

Demand: did he do it?

Reveal: she did it

Current Situation/ Cover up: he is in legal trouble

Demand: will he go to jail?

Reveal: he and chief are both in on his sister’s revenge scheme

Scene:

INT. ICE RINK – NIGHT

A skater twirls with a flourish as she completes her routine to hearty applause. Teddy bears rain onto the ice. One is picked up by a security guard who huddles with other guards. They nod and point up into the stands.

BRANDY

She’s my absolute favorite. I run her fan club.

PHILLIP

I know. I threw all the bears to her. Gently. And away from her.

Brandy, 13, is bright eyed and confident. Phillip beside her, 15, geeky and relaxed. He’s watching the action below them as seven security guards race up into the stands.

PHILLIP

Goodness! They must be after an entire gang.

Converging on the section where the two sit.

PHILLIP

The bad buys must be near us. I’ll protect you.

She moves close to him.

BRANDY

Please do.

They stop at Phillip who plops a nervous handful of raisins into his mouth.

PHILLIP

What’s shakin’?

SECURITY GUARD 1

We know what you did, sir. Come with us please.

He’s trying to process as he glances from one security guard to another, then blankly at Brandy who seems frozen to her seat, mute.

SECURITY GUARD 2

Now, sir.

Phillip pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

PHILLIP

(nervous laughter)

It must have been one of my church antics. I asked for forgiveness. I’m…under arrest?

SECURITY GUARD 1

Not yet, sir. Find this funny, do you?

PHILLIP

No! Absurd, maybe.

The Security Guard grabs him.

PHILLIP

Not you, I mean, the situation.

As he’s lifted and carried away, he glances at Brandy who is talking too softly to hear, to the Chief Security Guard who leads her away from their seats.

INT. SECURITY GUARD OFFICE – LATER

A dark, dank room with soundproofing on the walls and door.

Brandy and the chief security guard wink at one another as Phillip is tossed into a chair by four burly security guards who surround him. The Chief stands behind them.

Brandy drops to the floor beside Phillip, hugging his waist and crying out with a little too much drama.

BRANDY

Why are you doing this to my brother? All he did was throw my bears onto the ice for me. That’s what you do when you like a skater!

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

One of them had a detonator attached.

Brandy stands and stares down at her brother.

BRANDY

Detonator? Did you…?

PHILLIP

No! Of course not! Did you? You had the time.

Chief Security Guard glances at Brandy. Goes to the door and opens it.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Tell you what. You can leave now, or stay for questioning. If you leave and we find evidence enough to bring you back in, things will not go well for you. Your choice.

Phillip stares at the open, beckoning door. Then at his sister. Then the guards.

PHILLIP

I’ll stay. I’m sure I will only get what I deserve.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

(smiling)

Let’s see. I can go get myself a cup of coffee while my cohorts here

(air quotes)

“talk” with you, or stay and

(air quotes)

“Talk” with you myself. Hmmm. I’ll stay.

One guard shines a light in Phillip’s face. A second un-clips then re-clips handcuffs onto his belt. Phillip’s eyes bug as he stares at a third guard. The guard ever so slowly un-holsters his baton, then smacks his palm with it over and over.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Make yourself comfortable. You may be here a while.

A fourth guard jingles his handcuffs. Phillip stares at them. The guard jingles them again, glancing at Brandy to say, “that’s your cue.” She comes closer to Phillip.

BRANDY

This is all just a big misunderstanding. Phillip wouldn’t hurt a fly.

(at him)

Would you?

PHILLIP

No! I have no idea what this is all about! Did you do something bad?

BRANDY

Me? ME? Do something? When have I ever?

PHILLIP

True. True. Always a first time, though.

Chief Security Guard steps between them, pulls out a plastic detonator-looking device.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

And how do you explain this, around the neck of one of the bears?

Phillip moves to examine it; Chief Security Guard pulls it back and pockets it.

PHILLIP

Wait! That looks like plastic–

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

It’s real enough! And I’m the one asking the questions here.

BRANDY

Oh Phillip! How could you?

PHILLIP

I DIDN’T, I tell you.

BRANDY

(to chief security guard)

Do what you must with him! I have washed my hands of the whole affair.

(to Phillip)

Our parents will be SO disappointed to have a jail bird in the family! My own brother!

With a final glance back at her brother, she marches out the door that shuts with an ominous SLAM.

SECURITY GUARD 1

(to Phillip)

I hope you brought your toothbrush.

The four guards form a tight circle around Phillip.

PHILLIP

(to Chief Security Guard)

How much did she pay you, Greg?

The other guards stare at the two.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Twenty dollars.

From his pocket he pulls out a bald doll.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Said you cut her Barbie doll’s hair off.

PHILLIP

She said she wanted a punk Barbie. Then she got upset when she saw it. I know her well enough to know her look of revenge I saw that day. But this was elaborate even for her. Was I convincing?

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

A born actor.

PHILLIP

(to other guards)

You know you guys can’t arrest people unless they’ve actually committed a felony, right?

He disperses them with a dismissive wave. Embarrassed, they step back.

Phillip stands.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Uh, twenty dollars. You said you would double whatever she paid me.

PHILLIP

Sure. I’ll get it for you from my parents when I get home. I’ll take of her then, too.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

When you get home?

Phillip pushes the Chief Security Guard.

PHILLIP

MOVE, Greg. Don’t get your underwear in a bundle; I’m good for it.

CHIEF SECURITY GUARD

Sit down, Phil.

All five burly guards surround the teen.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s Interest Scene

What learned doing this assignment that has improved my writing is I am able to use 20 of the 21 techniques in a single scene. It’s not a refined scene by any means, but it is a start.

Logline: General A agrees to meet General B in the gold mine they are fighting over, where each is sure they have the upper hand

Interest Technique Ideas:

Suspense: The two meet armed to the teeth, and place their weapons on the table between them

Major Twist: The mine entrance collapses, sealing them inside

Surprise: a guard from each side enters from the rear of the mine, holding drawn weapons on the other’s leader

More Interesting Setting: a gold mine on the moon

Mislead/Reveal: General B has a weapon attached to his back

Superior Position/Dramatic Irony: General A does also

Uncertainty/ Hope-Fear: the guards knock each other unconscious

Intrigue: General A’s husband is dying. She is revealed to be not a man but a woman. General B is having a sex change operation

Mystery: Is there still gold in the mine?

Cliffhanger: Will the generals reopen the mine or perish inside?

Dilemma: knock out the other and escape or join forces to dig themselves out

Something Unseen: Both sides/armies have conspired to make the cave in

Character:

Character changes radically: General B’s voice rises so sound more like a woman’s

Betrayal: Both armies agree to seal the mine

Dilemma: General A must decide if General B is lying about having a map of where the gold is, or kill him/her as planned.

Uncomfortable Moment: General B decides to leave but General A blocks their exit

Misinterpretation: Both generals interpret the cave-in as a natural event due to the mining techniques used previously

Dialogue

Hook: Put an end to a 200 year old war

Predictions: what happens here today will reverberate for a long time

Creating a Future: Setting our weapons aside means the end of a dark era

Anticipatory Dialogue: Are you willing to join me in ceasing all hostilities?

Interest Techniques sequenced to create scene beats:

More Interesting Setting: a gold mine on the moon

Suspense: The two meet armed to the teeth, and place their weapons on the table between them

Hook: Put an end to a 200 year old war

Predictions: what happens here today will reverberate for a long time

Creating a Future: Setting our weapons aside means the end of a dark era

Anticipatory Dialogue: Are you willing to join me in ceasing all hostilities?

Mystery: Is there still gold in the mine?

Major Twist: The mine entrance collapses, sealing them inside

Misinterpretation: Both generals interpret the cave-in as a natural event due to the mining techniques used previously

Surprise: a guard from each side enters from the rear of the mine, holding drawn weapons on the other’s leader

Uncertainty/ Hope-Fear: the guards knock each other unconscious

Mislead/Reveal: General B has a weapon attached to his back

Superior Position/Dramatic Irony: General A does also

Dilemma: General A must decide if General B is lying about having a map of where the gold is, or kill him/her as planned.

Character changes radically: General B’s voice rises so sound more like a woman’s

Intrigue: General A’s husband is dying. She is revealed to be not a man but a woman. General B is having a sex change operation

Something Unseen: Both sides/armies have conspired to make the cave in

Betrayal: Both armies agree to seal the mine

Dilemma: knock out the other and escape or join forces to dig themselves out

Cliffhanger: Will the generals reopen the mine or perish inside?

Scene:

EXT. MOON – DAY

INT. NOON CAVE – DAY

A table sits in dim candlelight. GENERAL AZ, dripping with medals and confidence, approaches from cave entrance. GENERAL ZON, big and bad, approaches from deep inside the cave’s dark. Both armed to the teeth.

GENERAL AZ

Finally we meet. You’re alone?

Bey nods. Points at the table.

GENERAL BEY

Weapons.

GENERAL AZ

Together.

Each pulls a half dozen deadly devices from all over and under their uniforms. The desk groans under the weight.

GENERAL BEY

Two hundred years of war over a mineral.

GENERAL AZ

Gold is more than just a mineral, my friend. What happens here today will reverberate through earth’s history for another two hundred years.

GENERAL BEY

The end of a dark era. Potentially.

Bey relaxes.

GENERAL AZ

“Ceasing all hostilities,” is the phrase the pundits use. Can it really happen?

GENERAL BEY

Depends what happens here today. So. We simply abandon the mine and all its gold?

GENERAL BEY

I doubt there is enough left here to be of use to anyone anyway.

The mine entrance collapses. The two rush to the site. Dust overpowers them. They step back.

GENERAL BEY

Your foolish mining techniques! I KNEW something like this would happen!

GENERAL AZ

OUR techniques? Your army is what used the bombs from the last century–

GENERAL BEY

They worked, didn’t they?

A sound from the darkness behind the table. The two head back to the candle there, the only source of light. Two GUARDS, one from each side by their uniform, take a stand beside their general, weapons drawn on the other’s general.

GENERAL AZ

Shall we continue hostilities, then?

At a nod from each general, both guards lower their weapons. Then Az’s aims his at the other guard. Then Bey’s aims hers at the other.

GENERAL BEY

Guns down, both of you. We are negotiating. Hopefully you won’t need them ever again.

(to General Az)

I have a map, you know. Of the last mother lode here on the moon.

The guards drop their guns on the pile. Bey’s guard glances at General Az. The two guards glare at each other.

BEY’S GUARD

I saw it…

She throws the first punch. In a second each has knocked the other unconscious.

GENERAL BEY

Saw what, I wonder, Az?

GENERAL AZ

Probably…this.

He pulls a gun from a strap on his back.

GENERAL BEY

So this meeting was never about a truce.

GENERAL AZ

What would you do with your portion of the gold?

Bey smiles. Pulls off their cap. Long hair cascades down his shoulders.

GENERAL BEY

(in a woman’s voice)

My husband needs a new heart. The black market has one.

GENERAL AZ

You’re a WOMAN?

GENERAL BEY

Everyone knows a woman wouldn’t have made it this far without pretending to be a man. And you? Are the rumors true?

GENERAL AZ

Another sex change operation. I will be returning to my original gender. As you say, how far can we get in this man’s world? Anyway, the map please?

General Bey pulls out a gun from a strap behind her back.

GENERAL BEY

Not today. But on to more pressing matters, let’s see if we can get out of here.

Both put down their guns, pick up radios from the table, and call.

GENERAL AZ

(into radio)

Corporal, dig me out.

GENERAL BEY

So the cave-in was planned! Why?

GENERAL AZ

A little extra pressure goes a long way at the negotiating table.

GENERAL BEY

But your men are digging out both of us.

GENERAL AZ

No. Just me. You can rot in here. A just sentence for someone who extended this war to meet their own needs.

GENERAL BEY

Then my men will dig me out. What about you? Your needs?

GENERAL AZ

That’s different.

(into radio)

Corporal! Get me out now!

EXT. MOON – CONTINUOUS

Two officers, one from each side, stand at the entrance, the Corporal on the radio.

CORPORAL

I’m sorry, General; I can’t do that. We up here have agreed that neither of you is worth the trouble of digging out. We’re leaving here as soon as we can pack up and head back to earth. As far as we are concerned, you died in a cave in.

INT. MOON CAVE – CONTINUOUS

The Generals gaze at each other.

GENERAL BEY

We have two hours of air. If we can dig out, we can call for help from the moon’s surface, even if the armies have abandoned us. These boulders are heavy. Alone, we don’t have a chance.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment that improved my writing is when a hidden thing stays hidden until the end of the scene, the suspense builds.

Select a situation from your script and write it using the Reveal Model

Select a
scene that NEEDS a cool reveal and give us the logline of the scene.

Amazon forest scene

Ask questions to lead to a list of
possible reveals.

What do I want to hide from the
reader for dramatic effect?
What are the characters hiding
from each other?
What is already known that would
be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed?
What would be the best/worst/most
dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point?
Knowing this story, what could be
under the surface
that would create more drama for my characters?
Are there any deeper meanings to
the things my character are saying and doing?

List the structure of the scene
through the three steps of the Reveal Model. Demand: the aliens are real

Cover-up: all but Grueber are convinced they are fake

Reveal: deep down everyone realized the severed arm was real

Write the scene.

5. INT. AMAZON JUNGLE – EVENING

6. Their gear in a pile, the four pore over a map. Grueber in charge.

7. GRUEBER Four point two miles to the airport.

8. JAKE (dazed) Four…airport?

9. He shakes his head clear.

10. JAKE (CONT’D) Right! The airport is safe.

11. GRUEBER Avores—

12. SCOUT Doesn’t care. We’re gone to them. But did you see that actor’s cold eyes? That…bone-cruncher? That was cool.

13. THOMAS Dorkos. You are so easily entertained.

14. SCOUT Somebody sure has a good imagination, huh, Jake?

15. GRUEBER Can’t stay here.

16. JAKE Why not? The loggers don’t care anymore. They won’t be tracking us.

17. GRUEBER That guy with his arm beside him. That wasn’t fake.

18. THOMAS (laughing) You’re gonna tell me that was real? Yeah, right.

19. Grueber looks at each, into them, deep in their eyes. Nobdy wants to look back

20. GRUEBER So. What does your gut tell you? Live actoor or dead soldier?

21. A long, loud silence.

22. SCOUT Let’s keep moving.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s character relationships

What I learned doing this assignment that improved my writing is how changing one trait may have an effect on more than one relationship, but changing a trait to produce or improve a relationship increases the drama

1. Select your top four characters and list their name and four traits each.

Ray: secretive, impetuous, brave, determined

Nturu: angry, controlling, confident, confrontive

Serena: honest, conforming, protective, grounded

Burt: fatherly, practical, careful, loyal

2. Put the characters up against each other in pairs as I’ve done with Jack above. With each pair, tell how their traits cause each of these states:

Ray/Nturu

Rapport: secretive/controlling
when they are on the same page regarding the “government” project moving
forward
Conflict: angry/impetuous when
they have conflicting goals
Contrast: secretive/confrontive
when facing issues
Competition:
determined/controlling when Ray is bypassing him.
Subtext: Nturu hides the truth
from a determined reporter

Ray/Serena

Rapport: brave/protective when
they are a couple
Conflict: secretive/honest when
Ray feels she needs to be kept at a distance from this dangerous project
Contrast: impetuous/conforming in
their approach to the project
Competition: brave/conforming when
figuring out the mystery
Subtext: Ray hides the level of
danger from protective Serena

Ray/Burt

Rapport: brave/fatherly as they
cooperate on reporting
Conflict: impetuous/careful as the
story gets dicey
Contrast: brave/careful in
handling danger
Competition: none
Subtext: Burt fears for Ray’s life
as Ray uncharacteristically withholds facts about the story he uncovers

Nturu/Serena – none/no contact

Rapport:
Conflict:
Contrast:
Competition:
Subtext:

Nturu/Burt – none/no contact

Rapport:
Conflict:
Contrast:
Competition:
Subtext:

Serena/Burt

Rapport: protective/fatherly
toward Ray
Conflict: none
Contrast: conforming/careful about
the unfolding story
Competition: none
Subtext: none

3. With each pair, make at least one improvement, changing a trait to elevate one of the above states

Ray/Nturu – change angry to mocking to increase the conflict

Ray/Serena – change conforming to fearful to improve contrast

Ray/Burt – change impetuous to bold to improve conflict

Nturu/Serena – change grounded to curious so they interact

Nturu/Burt – change confident to suspicious so they interact

Serena/Burt – change loyal to intrusive to produce conflict

[joe McGloin]

This is the correct homework assignment:

Joe’s Q E Cycle 4, first write-up

LOGLINE: Two tree cutters plan to open a business

ESSENCE: relationships are based on truth

TRAIT CHANGED: outgoing to dominating

SCENE: a microphone crackle

EXT. TREE TOP – DAY

MAXINE, burly beneath a plaid jacket, faces RENEE, taller and sinewy, both belted to the tree and carrying chain saws.

MAXINE

Thanks for the second opinion. I’m always afraid I’ll start cutting too low and fall.

RENEE

I kept you waiting ’cause I had to get my jacket that matches my jeans. What the well-dressed logger is wearing this season.

MAXINE

Well, you almost got it. While we’re here, Boss Bob is still in the dark, right?

RENEE

Why wouldn’t he be?

MAXINE

Maybe because the rumors are true.

RENEE

Rumors? I only know one, and if it’s the one about our pending nuptials, yes it is.

MAXINE

So you told him! I KNEW it! You can’t keep your mouth sh–

RENEE

Hold on! Just because I’m marrying our boss don’t mean I told him about your plan to start your own company.

Maxine checks her belt. Renee moves herself up so she’s looking down at Maxine.

RENEE

Don’t go gettin’ paranoid. If I wanted to do you in, I would figure out a less obvious way.

MAXINE

A woman can’t be too sure. Well, maybe I just won’t ask you then.

RENEE

Ask me what? Nothing too out of line, I hope.

MAXINE

Was going to ask you to front the money so we’d be partners. Not now, though.

RENEE

Partners?

Hand combs her hair and straightens her jacket.

MAXINE

Fifty-fifty. With the new sub-division just approved, that whole thirty acres will have to be cleared. But I can’t trust somebody who told my secret.

RENEE

I never said I did.

MAXINE

Then how come I suddenly have a boatload of red tape and three lawsuits challenging starting the business?

She checks the oil and gas levels in her saw.

MAXINE

Something like that could drive a person to do something…unexpected to the one who caused the problem.

RENEE

What if I told you I said it in may sleep and Bob heard?

MAXINE

Are you saying you did?

RENEE

I’m saying What if? Would that smooth things over?

MAXINE

Sounds like somebody wants a piece of the action after all. But maybe not get it seeing as how she is not trustworthy.

RENEE

Or maybe the somebody threatening her friend will find her belt has frayed.

Maxine nearly twists herself upside down looking for a problem with her belt.

RENEE

Or maybe not because her friend is not that kind of person, just somebody who needs to not have people threatening her.

Renee moves a little lower to make better eye contact.

MAXINE

Tell you what. That red tape goes away and we’re as good as partners.

RENEE

If I get top billing, CEO, then you got a deal. No fancy footwork, just a regular business that doesregular tree cuttin’.

Maxine sets the saw aside.

MAXINE

Only if our base is uptown, top floor.

Renee puts out a hand.

MAXINE

AND…you don’t marry Bob.

Renee quickly withdraws her hand.

RENEE

WHAT? Why would I not marry Bob?

MAXINE

The other rumor. I said I heard rumors.

RENEE

Tell me now or get your head punched in, or worse.

Checks her saw for oil and gas levels, test the blade against her finger.

MAXINE

There you go again, being mean and all. Just like you. But all right. Rumor is, he’s already married.

RENEE

Rumor. He has a sick mother in Tawneyville, and that’s where he goes every weekend.

MAXINE

Except I followed him last week. His sick mother is a drop dead gorgeous platinum blond with two of his kids.

RENEE

He’s not that kind of man. I know because I’m not that kind of woman, I’m respectable like him.

Maxine reaches in her back pocket and pulls out an envelope. Hands it over to Maxine.

MAXINE

Before you go using your saw on my belt, lady.

Renee stares at one photo after another. Takes the whole batch and SLAMS them against the tree.

RENEE

That two-timer ain’t getting one more night with this fine, upstanding woman.

Puts out her hand.

RENEE

You got yourself a deal, says your new CEO to the new President. And no I did not tell him in my sleep. I told him about your business outright. Sorry, partner.

Maxine shakes on the deal. Lowers her saw on a long rope.

MAXINE

Now what do we tell Bob? He’s likely to skewer the both of us now.

RENEE

He won’t do no such thing. We got evidence he was about to be a bigamist.

They both look for the photos. Stare wide-eyed at each other and then down to the ground 200 feet below.

At the base of the tree, a chain saw roars to life.

[joe McGloin]

INT. HIGH RISE NURSING HOME – NIGHT

SCREAMS from the elevator stuck between the 25th and 26th floors. NURSING STAFF with soothing voices call to the trapped patients.

NURSE 1

The repairman is on his way.

NURSE 2

You’ll be out soon.

NURSE 1

Just hold on a few more minutes.

Screams subside into cries.

The other elevator doors open. Out steps NANCY, big and bold, pushing SQUIRE, tiny and wiry, back into the car. Both wear shoulder cameras on their Elevators Inc. uniforms.

NANCY

Don’t argue with me; the guide rail is NOT bent, the cable is too new to be broke, and the machine drive was just serviced last week.

SQUIRE

I bought a dessert downstairs; so I’m good.

NANCY

What? What does that have to do with the price of bread?

SQUIRE

Just continuing our celebration. You go ahead and help these poor unfortunates. I’ll eat for both of us.

Chows down on a slice of cheesecake.

Nancy turns to the nurses, her whole expression changes.

NANCY

Hello, dears. Step back, please. I can take it from here. When did this happen?

NURSE 1

About an hour ago. Right after an angry family member left the building.

NANCY

Good thing you got two elevators for these poor old people.

NURSE 2

That other one is fritzing now.

Squire leaps out of the elevator licking his fingers. Nancy steps up to the broken elevator.

NANCY

Hey, in there! Back away while I use a crow bar or you’ll get hit!

The cries change to gasps.

NANCY

(to Squire)

Yeah, you finish your dinner on work time. I’m the ol’nly one knows what to do here, anyways.

SQUIRE

I will. And I’ll give you the rest of my dessert. You deserve it.

Picks a crumb off the floor. His expression suddenly changes.

SQUIRE

Wait! Today is the 24th!

NANCY

Better you keep your mind on your dinner.

Squire looks at a wall calendar. Tosses the cheesecake.

SQUIRE

The office! They’re monitoring all this! My annual review. My raise! It’s all decided on this one job. No wonder they sent us out on our special day. We don’t come to this job today…

NANCY

Then we’re fired. Eat your dessert. I almost got the door open.

Squire leaps over to grab the crow bar above where Nancy does and pretend pulls. Nancy stares at Squire.

NANCY

What in tarnation…Why are you wearing your protection hat and vest. You never wears them.

SQUIRE

You never know with elevators.

One last pull and the doors swing open. The nurses swoop into take out the patients. Nancy and Squire step back. Squire grabs a paper from one of the patients. Pockets it.

NANCY

You all will be okay now. Just go with your nurses.

SQUIRE

(into his shoulder camera)

Yes, we are just HAPPY WE COULD HELP!

Nancy shoots him a glare.

NANCY

WE? I did all the work, per usual.

Squire pinches her cheek.

SQUIRE

And a lovely job you did. And I did. With you. In the background, where it’s hard to see what I..,

NANCY

Oh, shut up. You’re still in the doghouse.

They step into the vacant elevator. He’s nervous, stays near the doors. Nancy accidentally on purpose drops the crowbar on Squire’s foot.

SQUIRE

(into his camera)

OUCH! Now with my bad foot, anything I do will be extra hard. But I don’t mind, since I’m here with my honeybunch. We’re a great team of elevator fixers, if there ever was one. Always helping the other. A real team. Real team work. Makes me happy just thinking about us.

Picks up the crowbar. Whistles. Pretend swings the bar like a baseball bat. It hits a button. The doors close. The lights go out. The emergency light comes on. It barely illuminates their faces.

SQUIRE

It broke again!

He scrambles to open the doors.

NANCY

YOU BROKE IT!

SQUIRE

We’re repair people. We can fix this.

He scratches at the doors like a dog at a rabbit hole.

NANCY

What’s got into you? Go up through the roof, then, to that doo-hicky what holds the cable.

SQUIRE

Not sure I can make it, with my foot and all.

NANCY

Through the roof. Cable holder. Now.

SQUIRE

Can’t.

NANCY

Why?

SQUIRE

Forgot my tools.

NANCY

Like you forgot our anniversary today.

SQUIRE

I didn’t. I was late…thinking about getting you a card when…because…you see, I bought you a ring. Silver. Beautiful box, But I lost it.

NANCY

Nice try, Romeo. You forgot, period.

SQUIRE

Well then just remember all the good times we’ve had, like the time–

Nancy picks up the crow bar.

NANCY

Like the time I hit you like this.

Swings the crowbar. Squire ducks. The bar hits the button panel. The car lurches down, stops, lurches down a couple of floors. SLAMS to a stop. The lights flicker back on.

Squire nearly faints.

SQUIRE

You’re welcome! See? Everything always turns out well in the end. What a team!

NANCY

Like I said, Like the time I hit you like this.

Swings at Squire, half-joking, who ducks again. This time he grabs Nancy and dips her, tango-style, then swoops her back up.

SQUIRE

Happy anniversary, my darling.

NANCY

Happy anniversary. Guess I can forgive Romeo one more time. Now step back while I fix this or we’ll be here ’til tomorrow.

SQUIRE

And get all the credit on our annual review day?

NANCY

Why not? You never do nothing anyway.

Squire produces an origami swan.

NANCY

Well, ain’t that beautiful!

Drops crowbar as she accepts it.

NANCY

Guess you ain’t all bad. Dear. Wait! Didn’t I see a patient with this?

SQUIRE

No. Maybe. It’s still a love token.

Nancy crushes it on Squire’s head.

NANCY

I’ll buy you a present with my raise. After this, you ain’t gettin’ squat from Elevator Ink. Be lucky they don’t fire you and take your license. Guess I got a little too competitive for my own good.

SQUIRE

I have you. That’s all I need.

Does a jig that shakes the elevator. It shudders. They frantically push all the buttons. The doors finally slide open. They leap out as the elevator snaps loose and plummets to the basement with a sickening, echoing CRASH!

SQUIRE

Guess you were right – that guard rail wasn’t bent, or that car would have stopped halfway down.

NANCY

May have to use that raise to buy these people a new elevator.

SQUIRE

Easy come easy go. At least we have each other. An almost your anniversary ring.

She kisses him.

NANCY

Whatever. Don’t have to keep that lie goin’. I’ll never find another Romeo like you.

She gazes into Squire’s eyes. Then…

NANCY

I wonder if that disgruntled family member…

They rush down the stairs to the basement. The smashed elevator. On the top, the remains of a half-exploded bomb.

NANCY

Must’ve misfired. Elevator should have crashed, with all those poor people. Some raving maniac.

She stares at a dust-covered lump on the smashed roof. Picks it up. Dusts it off. A box, Opens it. A silver ring.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s QE Process Part 2

LOGLINE: Married couple Nancy and Squire haven’t finished an argument yet as they attempt to fix a broken elevator.

ESSENCE: The best time to resolve a marital issue is not while trying to fix a high-rise nursing home elevator, with the criminal who broke it.

SCENE:

INT. HIGH RISE NURSING HOME – NIGHT

SCREAMS from the elevator stuck between the 25th and 26th floors. NURSING STAFF with soothing voices call to the trapped patients.

NURSE 1

They are on their way.

NURSE 2

You’ll be out soon.

NURSE 1

Just hold on a few more minutes, and you will be free.

The other elevator doors open. Out steps Nancy, big and bold, pushing Squire, tiny and wiry, back into the car.

NANCY

Don’t argue with me; the guide rail is NOT bent.

SQUIRE

I bought a dessert downstairs; so I’m good.

NANCY

What? What does that have to do with the price of bread?

SQUIRE

Nothing. I’m happy. You go ahead and help these poor unfortunates.

Chows down on a slice of cheesecake.

Nancy turns to the nurses, whole expression changes.

NANCY

Hello, dears. Step back, please. I can take it from here. Just one question. When did this happen?

NURSE 1

Exactly one hour ago. When an angry family member left the building.

Steps up to the broken elevator.

NANCY

Hey, in there! Back away while I use a crow bar or you’ll get hit!

The screams change to gasps. Squire steps out of the elevator licking his fingers.

NANCY

(to Squire)

Yeah, you finish your dinner on work time. I’m the ol’nly one knows what to do here, anyways.

SQUIRE

I will. And I’ll give you the rest of my dessert. You deserve it.

Picks a crumb off the floor. His expression suddenly changes.

SQUIRE

Wait! What day is it?

NANCY

Better you keep your mind on your dinner.

Squire looks at the wall calendar. Tosses the bag of chips.

SQUIRE

We’re being monitored today.

NANCY

Eat your dessert. I almost got the door open.

Squire leaps over to grab the crow bar above where Nancy does, but too late. The doors swing open. The nurses swoop into take out the patients. Nancy and Squire step back. Squire grabs a paper from one of the patients. Pockets it.

NANCY

You all will be okay now. Just go with your nurses.

SQUIRE

Yes, we are just HAPPY WE COULD HELP!

Nancy shoots him a glare.

NANCY

WE? I did all the work, per usual.

Squire pinches her cheek.

SQUIRE

And a lovely job you did. And I did.

They step into the vacant elevator. He’s nervous, stays near the doors.

NANCY

They’s watching and listening on our monitors. That’s what this day is all about, for our annual review.

Gets close in on Squire.

NANCY

They know EVERYTHING just happened. And who did what, lazy bones.

Drops the crowbar on Squire’s foot.

SQUIRE

(into his monitor)

OUCH! Now with my bad foot, anything I do will be extra hard. But I don’t mind, since I’m here with my honeybunch. We’re a great team of elevator fixers, if there ever was one. Always helping the other. A real team. Real team work. Makes me happy just thinking about us.

Picks up the crowbar. Goes to toss it out but it hits a button. The doors close. The lights go out. The emergency light comes on. It barely illuminates their faces.

SQUIRE

It broke again!

NANCY

YOU BROKE IT!

SQUIRE

I? I? Am I not the one staying right here with you, through thick and thin? Besides, we’re repair people. We can fix this.

NANCY

Go up through the roof, then, to that do-hicky what holds the cable.

SQUIRE

Not sure I can make it, with my foot and all. But I’m more than happy to help you up.

NANCY

Through the roof. Cable holder. Now.

SQUIRE

Can’t.

NANCY

Why?

SQUIRE

Forgot my tools, or something.

NANCY

Like you forgot our anniversary today.

SQUIRE

That’s different. I was…thinking about getting you a card when…when I remembered all the good times we’ve had, like the time–

Nancy picks up the crow bar.

NANCY

Like the time I hit you like this.

Swings the crowbar. Squire ducks. The bar hits the button panel. The car lurches down, stops, lurches down a couple of floors. Stops suddenly. The lights flicker back on.

Squire is visibly shaken.

SQUIRE

You’re welcome! See? Everything always turns out well in the end. What a team!

NANCY

Like I said, Like the time I hit you like this.

Swings at Squire who ducks again. This time he grabs Nancy and dips her, tango-style, then swoops her back up.

SQUIRE

Happy anniversary, my darling.

NANCY

Happy anniversary. Now step back while I fix this or we’ll be here til tomorrow.

SQUIRE

And get all the credit on our monitor day?

NANCY

Why not? You never do nothing anyway.

Squire produces an origami swan made out of the chips bag. Nancy stares at it.

NANCY

Well, ain’t that beautiful!

Drops her tools as she accepts it.

NANCY

Guess you ain’t all bad. Dear. Wait! Didn’t I see a patient with this?

SQUIRE

No. Maybe. It’s still a love token.

Nancy crushes it on Squire’s head.

NANCY

I’ll buy you a present with my raise. After this, you ain’t gettin’ squat.

SQUIRE

I have you. That’s all I need.

Does a jig that shakes the elevator. It shudders. They frantically push all the buttons. The doors slide open. They leap out as the elevator snaps loose and plummets to the basement with a sickening CRASH!

SQUIRE

Guess you were right – that guard rail wasn’t bent, or that car would have stopped halfway down.

NANCY

May have to use that raise to buy these people a new elevator.

SQUIRE

Easy come easy go. At least we have each other.

NANCY

I wonder if that disgruntled family member…

They rush to the basement. The smashed elevator. On the top, the remains of an explosive.

NANCY

That elevator should have crashed here with all those poor people.

SQUIRE

That was me. In disguise. My mother died here one year ago today. That was not the only bomb I planted.

NANCY

I know. I followed you.

Nancy blows a whistle. A dozen police descend on the two.

NANCY

Happy anniversary. Dear.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how fun it is to just jam into a scene a whole lot of techniques, when you are experimenting with them. Refining comes later.

Take a scene that needs to be more interesting and use the Interest list to brainstorm more interesting ways to write it.

Take these steps:

Select the scene from your script
that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.

The journalists find a hiding area in a nearby school, giving them a fighting chance to deliver their bombshell footage.

Tell us the essence of the scene.

The journalists must evade capture to have a chance to deliver their stunning report.

Tell us at least two (more if you
can) interest techniques for the rewrite.

Anticipatory dialogue, dilemma, hook, creating a future, uncomfortable moment

Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.

4.

5.

6. INT. ADMIN WING – FIFTH FLOOR – DAY

7.

8. Scene Purpose: Introduce 3rd enemy 3

9.

10. The floor, partitioned in back, leaves the remaining square, windowed area littered with phone wire, cubicle feet and screws.

11.

12. GRUEBER

13. Perfect.

14.

15. Scout and Grueber pile a fortress of boxes away from the door, not too high.

16.

17. Thomas stares out the window. Scout puts megaphone hands to his mouth.

18.

19. SCOUT

20. Earth to Thomas. Help your crew set up camp or we go to jai–

21.

22. Thomas turns on Scout.

23.

24. THOMAS

25. SHUT UP!

26.

27. SCOUT

28. I figured you’ve never slept with a woman. Now I’m thinking: he’s never even been on a date.

29.

30. Thomas goes back to window staring, turning redder by the second.

31.

32. GRUEBER

33. SCOUT! I have a job for you. We need to throw them off our scent.

34.

35. Scout nods as he takes in the mess he made organizing boxes.

36.

37. GRUEBER

38. We’ve ditched the guards and the Alien. Once you make the Colonel think we’re gone, we’re in!

39.

40. Thomas snorts.

41.

42. THOMAS

43. Nope. Reid made a phone call.

44.

45. Through the window: a fleet of black sedans descends on Dover.

46.

47. SCOUT

48. Sinking in yet, Tommy? Aliens are real.

49.

50. THOMAS

51. Oh, excuse me. I thought they were after US. My mistake. I’m so stupid.

52.

53. Thomas turns back to the window, the movement swinging his loaded jacket pocket that BUMPS against it. He stuffs his hand in to cover the sound. Nobody notices.

54.

55. THOMAS

56. I haven’t met the right girl yet. To go on a date with.

57.

58. SCOUT

59. You just did. She wants you to walk her home at 6:00. Or did that all just whiz right past you? Dorko?

60.

61. Grueber leaps into Scout’s face.

62.

63. GRUEBER

64. Hey! Don’t go putting a lame brained idea like that in his head. One of us is seen, we’re all dog meat.

65.

66. Grueber returns to box stacking. Scout mouths “six o’clock” at Thomas.

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s challenging situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is I can add challenges galore to a scene, just like adding interest elements, then pick the best for the story and just let go of the rest of those hard-won insights and possibilities because they were just a “disposable” part of the creative process, which makes letting go of my really hard work more palatable. And what I used to count as final elements of a scene – any scene – I can now consider mere scaffolding and building blocks for an even better scene, to be let go of entirely and just move on to the next. That process is less painful now.

Look
through all the situations in your script and make a list of
the ones that aren’t challenging. Especially notice when you have
situations where you collaborated with your character.
Pick two situations you are going
to elevate. Give a logline for
each scene and list the essence.
For each situation, use the process
to brainstorm possible
challenging versions and select one that you will use to rewrite that
scene.
List them this way:

Scene 1:

 A.  Current Scene Logline: The alien and his daughter plan to meet with Air Force top brass to formulate a plan to prevent a leak of the aliens’ presence. 

 B.  Essence: two enemies combine forces to locate and neutralize the journalists

 C.  Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

His family is put in danger

The Air Force will kill the journalists if necessary

The Aliens’ presence is leaked to the entire base

The Aliens will remain stranded as the ship’s main engine part is missing

Humans appear as dismissive of his needs as he fears

Air Force threatens to imprison him if he doesn’t compyl. 

 D.  Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.  

When the Alien balks at returning to his jungle home, he is hit with a rifle butt. Daughter intervenes, he waves her off. She gestures for him to push the button to summon the ship in space, he declines. By now the entire room is centered on the scuffle, and guards rush in from every door. Most gawk at the sight of an Alien who rises, dusts himself off, and leaves with his guard escort. 

Scene 2:

 A.  Current Scene Logline: To avoid certain capture, the journalist team detours from the sidewalk leading to the TV station by ducking into the church. 

 B.  Essence: Determine an alternate route to the TV station 

 C.  Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

The others insist he join them in another building

They take his phone

They destroy his phone

They rough him up in the church pew

Soldiers enter the church

The team insists he hide from the soldiers searching for them.

The team insists he lie about who they are 

 D.  Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.  

Upon entry, one of the team grabs the phone Thomas is using and dunks it into the holy water font before drop-kicking it away. When soldiers enter, he is beaten by the team to keep him out of their line of sight. When they find the crew, Thomas is forced to lie about their identity and purpose for being in the church.  

[joe McGloin]

Joe’s full-out characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: taking already fully fleshed-out characters, it is still possible to give them a single more dramatic trait than any other trait they already possess makes them both stronger and more interesting.

Pick three characters
you’d like to be more dramatic. You’re going to write a “before and after”
for each character by doing #2 and #3 below.

Morrigan, Vesta, Mint

Show their
CURRENT profile (like Jerrry’s) that lists a description, their core
traits, and their main subtext.

CURRENT:

Morrigan

Description – Morrigan is a devious student of ancient magic

Traits – angry, manipulative, focused, haunted within

Subtext – Morrigan is intent on ruling humanity through fear

Vesta

Description – Vesta is a grieving mother who will see her husband through the transfer of power

Traits – confident, determined, maternal

Subtext – Vesta will help her husband attain the goal of passing on his gift.

Mint

Description – A brilliant bachelor who hides behind computers to prevent the pain of another failed relationship

Traits – reliable, curious, brilliant, fighter

Subtext – Mint wants to help his student but is unable to get past a failed relationship

REVISED

Morrigan

Description – Morrigan is a power-mad natural leader

Traits – angry, manipulative, focused, insane

Subtext – Morrigan will destroy the world to steal the power she feels she deserves.

Vesta

Description – Vesta is a grieving mother intent on revenge

Traits – confident, determined, maternal, bloodthirsty

Subtext – Vesta is a grieving mother who will see her daughter revenged if it’s the last thing she does

Mint

Description – Mint is a brilliant ancient studies scholar who will create the finest ancient scroll collection.

Traits – curious, brilliant, fighter, ancient scroll thief

Subtext – Mint is a scholar creating the finest collection of ancient manuscripts

[joe McGloin]

Logline: John needs to obtain important information from Nick before they battle in order to win.

Essence: John prevents a massacre

Scene:

At the mouth of a tunnel stands John. Behind him, two brawny guys who keep one eye on the tunnel mouth and one to the scurrying crowd behind them.

John glances back. The crowd has dispersed. The two brawny guys nod. John turns just in time to see Nick towering over him, inches away.

Nick flexes rock hard hairy arms.

NICK

Just you and me, Bro.

John looks past Nick at a small army grinding and butting heads, ready for battle..

JOHN

Then who are they?

NICK

A few of my closest friends.

Glances past John into the tunnel.

NICK

Don’t tell me those two are all you got.

John moves so close to Nick their heads nearly touch.

JOHN

­We have enough to protect our queen.

VOICES

(from the tunnel)

Long live the Queen!

JOHN

But you ran into some kind of trouble with your sovereign.

NICK

Sometimes she doesn’t know good advice when she hears it.

JOHN

So you’re fighting for what – principles?

NICK

Territory. We’ve outgrown ours. But we won’t just take it. I – we- have food to share. Winter is coming. Can all of you survive it? The tunnels are so dark and lonely in winter.

Now it’s John’s turn to flex in Nick’s face. Nick is not impressed.

JOHN

All of us will be just fine. And food is not an issue. And if only one of us needs to guard the food supply, I am up for it. I’m not exactly a social animal. Just a subject loyal to his queen.

VOICES

(from within the tunnel)

Long live the Queen!

NICK

Even when the biting winter winds howl across the snows like a lost soul?

JOHN

How many ways are you going to try to scare me until you find it doesn’t work? It’s really your worst feature.

NICK

There are more in your colony than just you, John. Fear is a potent weapon. It makes even soldiers run.

The troops behind Nick grow restless. Two advance to the tunnel to peer inside. One’s head is close to John’s that John opens his mouth as if to bite. The two soldiers back off.

JOHN

We haven’t seen your queen for weeks now. Nothing wrong, I hope?

Nick backs up a step.

NICK

Of course not! Why would there be?

JOHN

Since our queens had a falling out, ours was wondering if all is right in your colony. Especially the lower realm. We hear rumors.

NICK

The upper and lower realms are fine.

JOHN

So it’s the middle realm that needs shoring up.

NICK

I said nothing of the kind. My queen is fine. In fact, she looks down on both of our domains as we speak. She will view the battle from the comfort of her throne.

JOHN

On the northwest corner of the upper realm. That’s where I have seen her throne.

NICK

(startled)

When? When did you see that?

JOHN

There was a time I spied on your realm as a scout, alone, and saw much of your colony.

He looks out at Nick’s army’s flank to see a group of his soldiers advancing on the northwest corner of the colony.

JOHN

So now our guards are on their way to take her.

Nick can’t believe his ears.

NICK

What? They don’t stand a chance! What kind of foolhardy game are you playing? We’ll crush them.

As Nick speaks, his troops advance on John’s soldiers, easily surrounding the pitiful little group. Nick’s troops look for a signal from Nick to pounce and destroy the few unlucky soldiers.

But Nick is staring at John. Something just not right about all this.

Just then one of John’s two brawny guards comes forward to whisper into John’s ear. John nods.

JOHN

Of course it’s foolhardy. But it gave us those last few moments we needed to complete our preparations.

NICK

Come on, John. I know from my spy days in your colony that your forces are tiny. Do you really want us to come in and wipe them out? What kind of queen would do that?

John steps out of the tunnel with both of his brawny guards.

JOHN

What kind of queen? The kind that wouldn’t sacrifice her subjects for a measly set of tunnels.

He gestures Nick inside. Nick hesitates.

NICK

You know everybody in there is going to die.

JOHN

Yes, and so does my Queen.

This time there is no Long Live the Queen from within. Nick raises a hand for the troops to prepare to advance. They’re ready to rush. But Nick hesitates to drop his arm signalling a full-on attack. Instead he listens inside the tunnel.

Silence.

NICK

Where are your soldiers? Where is your Queen? Where is everyone?

JOHN

Our new quarters. The tunnels are all yours. We just evacuated the last of our colony. Now if you want to dig your mandibles into the three of us, be my guest.

NICK

Your queen is gone, eggs and all?

JOHN

Search for yourself.

NICK

No need. We still share our food. We don’t take without giving. Too bad, though; it would have been glorious.

The two ants touch antenna. The red ants dive into their new quarters, brushing past the the three black ones who are off to the new colony.

As we drift above the almost battle, we see a boy in his room watching the two armies in a cardboard box.

MOTHER

What happened when you mixed the two ant farms together, Robbie?

ROBBIE

(disappointed)

Nothin’.

[joe McGloin]

EXT. AMAZON FOREST – CABIN- DAY

A crowd of media crams into the door and windows with microphones and cameras.

INT. AMAZON FOREST – CABIN – DAY

A makeshift podium with a mass of microphones, each announcing their station’s call letters.

A hush falls over the murmuring journalists as two men enter the room. Robert in a suit and Trent in jungle gear from head to toe. Trent steps up to the podium, clears his throat, and – Robert pushes him aside.

ROBERT

You may have heard the rumors of our discovery here last week.

Trent glares, mouths “our?”

ROBERT

We at Resources Unlimited have always had you, the masses, in mind. And today we bring you yet another milestone in medical breakthroughs.

Pulls Trent beside him with a hearty shoulder hug.

ROBERT

And this big guy had a hand in it.

TRENT

BOTH hands. I’ll show you–

Robert pushes Trent away.

ROBERT

I’ll show you, actually, though I never thought I would see the day. When I was a child, I was poor. My mother–

Trent shoves Robert right off the podium.

TRENT

Yes, Robert, we all know your rags-to-riches sorry story. Nobody wants to hear it yet again. I admit, I couldn’t have done it alone, and had to beg Resources Unlimited for every penny they lent me–

Robert squeezes in.

ROBERT

GAVE, Trent. Gave. Because that’s who we are. We’ve had to keep this operation under wraps for weeks now, listening to the gossip about Trent, his filthy habits, how he beats the natives into submission–

JOURNALIST 1

We didn’t hear any of that.

ROBERT

Well you’re hearing it now. How he==

Treant shoves Robert off the podium.

TRENT

About how he is now going to build a state-of-the-art laboratory on this very spot, when the royalties for MY discovery roll in.

Holds up a thick packet.

TRENT

I have dotted every ‘I’ and crossed every ‘t’ in my

(glances at Robert on the floor)

IRON CLAD contract. Yes, I needed you then, but now…

Glances at the sea of journalists.

TRENT

Well, no man is an island. Perhaps I still need you guys–

Robert with a baseball bat slams Trent in the stomach, doubling him over, and sending him careening off the podium.

ROBERT

You see how unpredictable he can be, leaping off the stage without so much as a by-your-leave. As I was saying, you can’t trust him, but you can trust Resources Unlimited, where–

Trent leaps back on stage.

TRENT

Where the funds will be pouring into my pockets, and I will build a laboratory–

ROBERT

Where our employees will work day in and day out, finally letting the public in our secrets, necessary for now because he–

JOURNALIST 1

Get to the creature!

TRENT

Robert will show it to you shortly.

Robert is stunned.

ROBERT

Well, thank you, Trent, for finally giving me my due. This is quite unexpected. Maybe not all the stories about you are true. And I will accept your donation of the laboratory. It’s about time something in my life goes right for me. When I was young and my mother was poor–

JOURNALIST 1

GET TO THE CREATURE!

TRENT

Well, you deserve everything that’s about to come to you, Robby.

ROBERT

It’s Robert.

TRENT

(sotto)

Not for long.

Suddenly on a screen behind them, a camera feed from the back room. A wooden crate with a guinea pig-sized ball of fur.

TRENT

Robert, please do the honors.

Robert hesitates.

ROBERT

Just me?

Trent nods. Gestures to the door. Smiles.

Robert walks to the door. Stops. Glances around the room.

ROBERT

Does anyone want to come with me?

The journalists have grown silent. They stare at Trent. All shake their heads.

Robert swallows. Looks up at the screen. The furry little creature stirs. Sighs.

ROBERT

Oh, what can a little thing like that do?

TRENT

Cure cancer, if my research is accurate.

ROBERT

It always is. Oh, what the Hell?

Opens the door.

ON SCREEN

All eyes are glued to the screen. Into the shot steps Robert. He reaches down to pet the ball of fur. It purrs. Robert’s heart melts.

ROBERT

Awww, listen to it.

Gently lifts it out of the crate. More purrs. Robert looks at the camera.

ROBERT

It loves me! Isn’t it cute? And it can cure cancer, too?

TRENT

I thought it could. But I was wrong. My research was flawed.

ROBERT

Then why…?

TRENT

It’s not the babies that cure cancer. It’s their mothers. And another thing I discovered – they don’t like people grabbing their babies.

Robert’s eyes focus on something off screen. They get bigger and bigger. We see tentacles reach for Robert who struggles but is dragged off screen. The baby is placed back in the crate by a single, gently tentacle.

Then Robert flies across the screen into a wall. Tentacles drag him away. We don’t hear anything.

Trent has turned off the volume. He holds up the contract.

TRENT

If he doesn’t survive, I become the CEO.

(to Research Unlimited employees)

Does anyone want to give your boss a helping hand?

No one moves. They just gape at the screen as Robert goes flying back and forth and back and forth and back and forth…

[joe McGloin]

INT. SPACE – SPACE CAPSULE – DAY

Trent and Robert in space suits minus the helmet. The rest of the crew stands behind Trent, ready to help the two start their space walk.

Robert raises a phantom champagne glass. Puts an arm around Trent.

ROBERT

You are an inspiration to us all!

TRENT

Thanks, but you are the one who was the topic of conversation at breakfast today.

ROBERT

Couldn’t have been anything important.

Robert looks to the others surrounding him.

TRENT

It was about the possibility of only one of us coming back. Due to a malfunction of some kind. The crew has checked my suit. I hope there’s time to check yours.

ROBERT

(whispers)

Let’s not talk about the minor space walk issues the others have discovered. They’re insignificant.

Steps back.

ROBERT

To the best friend a man ever had! Despite the…never mind. It was a long time ago, and you were young.

Trent gets help from the crew with his space suit not quite fitting. Trent gets in Robert’s face.

TRENT

Apparently not too long to remember, sour puss.

ROBERT

Well both of us have goodies in our locker, then. But I’m sure your gifts to me are better.

To crew.

ROBERT

Forget that little incident that happened so long ago. I’m sure Trent doesn’t even remember.

Crew helps Trent with the helmet.

TRENT

You mean when I met my wife. When you were dating her. Such a little thing. I remember every detail of that first night. She was wonderful. For me. Not you. You were history after that.

(to crew)

I can’t get the food…pouchy…thing in my glove.

Several nearly fawn over him helping.

ROBERT

Water under the bridge. Really. Just…thinking about it.

TRENT

Me too, and how you ruined our wedding with the 13 Elvis impersonators parachuting in. Completely forgotten.

Robert watches the crew help Trent.

ROBERT

You guys aren’t helping me.

TRENT

You didn’t plan a party for everyone when we get back – with little gifts of gold for all. Except you, since you got yours here.

ROBERT

Mine? What a pal! Three cheers for Trent!

Nobody cheers.

TRENT

We moved your things into the cargo bay. More room there. And I gave you a new toothbrush. You’re welcome.

ROBERT

Cargo bay? It’s smaller than my quarters. Guess I deserve it, huh?

TRENT

We needed the room for everyone’s presents. They are most appreciative. My suit has a few…upgrades.

ROBERT

Like the oxygen tube. I know. I hope it still works. I…tested it. It’s not clogged anymore.

Trent glances at the tube, messy with chocolate.

ROBERT

You see, they know, Trent. They know you gamble, and they know you sold your wife to cover your debts.

The crew finishes tightening the helmet so Trent can’t move.

ROBERT

They decided not to send you out without – how can I say it – a “massage.”

TRENT

Over my dead body!

Picks up a wrench. Waves it at the crew.

ROBERT

Not exactly. That’s not oxygen coming into your suit.

Robert faints. The crew descends on him, all fists and shoes.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

Beat up Trent floats, tethered to the capsule.

[joe McGloin]

(Forgot the rest of the assignment in the previous post)

Joe McGloin Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to get a little wild at first to shake up the mind, and don’t edit as I go; just let the creative stuff pour out first, then tweak it.

Select the
scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that
scene.

Logline: Council members seem mesmerized, unable to see the giant device floating in the air before them; only the workers Ray observes it.

Tell us the essence of the scene.

Essence: It’s a huge revelation that the council cannot see the weather device

Tell us at
least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.

Suspense, Uncertainty, Intrigue, Betrayal, Surprise

Rewrite the scene using as many
interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in
your post.

EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING NEW HOPE – MORNING_

5. _A scattering of Concorde workers, eerily silent, gathered on the hilltop. Ray hurries toward them, coffee spilling on the way. At the top he spies Nturu, and blends into the group, out of the line of the man’s line of vision. Alternately stamps his feet to keep warm. _

6.

7. _Everyone else stands stock still in the early morning chill, breath frosting before them. A few near him glance at his movements, then at each other, and begin to stamp, too. _

8.

9. _Deshay steps forward from the executive group near a festive wooden booth with a Welcome Town Council banner._

10.

11. _DESHAY_

12. _Good morning. In a moment you will witness the first of our three-jeweled crown, the weather stabilizer. _

13.

14. _He nods toward a worker holding a tohn. Ray takes a reflexive step back, in case something disintegrates or explodes. _

15.

16. _The worker points the tohn right at the booth. For a moment, nothing. Then from behind the booth a massive metal blimp-like structure rises, light and graceful. Dwarfing the booth, it arcs toward them, settling directly overhead, several thousand feet in the sky. _

17.

18. _It glows to life in orange splendor amid cheers. Deshay nods again, and the palm device activates a shimmering shield around the object to more applause. _

19.

20. _WORKER_

21. _Amazing! Like it isn’t even there!_

22.

23. _Isn’t there? Ray glances around. All smile and exclaim about an invisible marvel. What the Hell? It’s right up there plain as day. _

24.

25. _WORKER 2_

26. _The clouds behind it – not even the smallest waver. _

27.

28. _Behind the object passes a biplane hired for the occasion. The banner reads, “For Clear Vision Use Concorde Optical Supplies.” The workers laugh and cheer._

29.

30. _Ray feels someone watching, neck hair prickling. He turns. Nturu._

31.

32. _Deshay steps forward and raises his arms for silence._

33.

34. _DESHAY_

35. _The town council is arriving to take a look at our biplane’s advertising._

36.

37. _The Council caravan drives up. Concorde workers open car doors and escort the Council to the executive stand. _

38.

39. _Ray watches as the plane passes by several times directly behind the huge orange-glowing weather stabilizer. He can’t believe it; to a person the Council members are oblivious to anything but the plane and its banner. _

40.

41. _Deshay catches Ray’s popping eyes. A thrill of fear runs up Ray’s spine. Deshay knows – only Ray can see the blimp. _

42.

43. Deshay calls for quiet again. Looks right at Ray who has nowhere to hide. Their uneasy alliance is about to crack.

44.

45.

46. _DESAHY_

47. (_for all to hear_)

48. _What do you make of this Mr. Sheelds?_

49.

50. _Ray. Blow this Concorde cover wide open, or go along for now? Pointing skyward. _

51.

52. _RAY_

53. _A marvel to behold._

54.

55. _Deshay glares. Reaches into a pocket. Rests the hand on an object there. _

56.

57. _RAY_

58. _The town’s future is looking up. _

59. _Deshay relaxes. Removes the hand from the pocket. Smiles. Nods a You dodged a bullet, mister, at Ray._

[joe McGloin]

_EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING NEW HOPE – MORNING_

_A scattering of Concorde workers, eerily silent, gathered on the hilltop. Ray hurries toward them, coffee spilling on the way. At the top he spies Nturu, and blends into the group, out of the line of the man’s line of vision. Alternately stamps his feet to keep warm. _

_Everyone else stands stock still in the early morning chill, breath frosting before them. A few near him glance at his movements, then at each other, and begin to stamp, too. _

_Deshay steps forward from the executive group near a festive wooden booth with a Welcome Town Council banner._

_DESHAY_

_Good morning. In a moment you will witness the first of our three-jeweled crown, the weather stabilizer. _

_He nods toward a worker holding a tohn. Ray takes a reflexive step back, in case something disintegrates or explodes. _

_The worker points the tohn right at the booth. For a moment, nothing. Then from behind the booth a massive metal blimp-like structure rises, light and graceful. Dwarfing the booth, it arcs toward them, settling directly overhead, several thousand feet in the sky. _

_It glows to life in orange splendor amid cheers. Deshay nods again, and the palm device activates a shimmering shield around the object to more applause. _

_WORKER_

_Amazing! Like it isn’t even there!_

_Isn’t there? Ray glances around. All smile and exclaim about an invisible marvel. What the Hell? It’s right up there plain as day. _

_WORKER 2_

_The clouds behind it – not even the smallest waver. _

_Behind the object passes a biplane hired for the occasion. The banner reads, “For Clear Vision Use Concorde Optical Supplies.” The workers laugh and cheer._

_Ray feels someone watching, neck hair prickling. He turns. Nturu._

_Deshay steps forward and raises his arms for silence._

_DESHAY_

_The town council is arriving to take a look at our biplane’s advertising._

_The Council caravan drives up. Concorde workers open car doors and escort the Council to the executive stand. _

_Ray watches as the plane passes by several times directly behind the huge orange-glowing weather stabilizer. He can’t believe it; to a person the Council members are oblivious to anything but the plane and its banner. _

_Deshay catches Ray’s popping eyes. A thrill of fear runs up Ray’s spine. Deshay knows – only Ray can see the blimp. _

Deshay calls for quiet again. Looks right at Ray who has nowhere to hide. Their uneasy alliance is about to crack.

_DESAHY_

(_for all to hear_)

_What do you make of this Mr. Sheelds?_

_Ray. Blow this Concorde cover wide open, or go along for now? Pointing skyward. _

_RAY_

_A marvel to behold._

_Deshay glares. Reaches into a pocket. Rests the hand on an object there. _

_RAY_

_The town’s future is looking up. _

_Deshay relaxes. Removes the hand from the pocket. Smiles. Nods a You dodged a bullet, mister, at Ray._

[joe McGloin]

Joe Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is I have to record the original purpose of each scene to realize if it truly is the best representation of the scene’s essence. It’s hard sometimes to tell the difference between expression and essence in older screenplays. Getting to the essence saves a lot of time, and opens my creativity.

Script I choose: The Emperor Moth

Scene 1 Location: Ray and Serena’s apartment

Logline: After Ray is thrown out of the concert, Serena is angry.

Essence I’ve discovered: Serena is concerned for Rays’s mental health, and afraid for the future of their relationship

New Logline: Serena falls to pieces while Ray remains defiant in defending his behavior

Scene 2 Location: Bed + Breakfast room

Logline: Each think the other has unpacked.

Essence I’ve discovered: Their hosts are controlling the couple’s freedom

New Logline: All their most private activities are constrained.

Ray

Scene 3 Location: streets of New Hope

Logline: Ray and Sererna jog at night, whispering as spies are everywhere

Essence I’ve discovered: they are cut off from the rest of the world and in danger

New Logline: Ray and Serena walk, and as they do shadows near them move closer. As they pick up the pace, the shadows disappear, but they are alone at the end of a dusty, dead-end street.

Scene 4 Location: warehouse

Logline: weather devices are in final stages of production, and each kind of device has a new manager to finish the process

Essence I’ve discovered: Ray discovers that the production Is nearly complete.

New Logline: Ray downloads the evidence from the “unauthorized” wall jack.

Scene 5 Location: New Hope hilltop

Logline: town council members observe the biplane but not the weather device hanging in the sky.

Essence I’ve discovered: It’s a huge revelation that the council cannot see the weather device

New Logline: Council members seem mesmerized, unable to see the giant device floating in the air before them; only the workers and Ray observe it.

[joe McGloin]

Joe Finds the Essence

What I learned is: discovering the scene essence first would make coming up with options for its interesting expression much easier.

Script I choose: Terminator 2

Scene 1 Location: Los Angeles, 2029

Logline: The city morphs from modern day crowds to a gigantic, burned out rubble

Essence: An unspeakably powerful and terrible force has flattened the city and destroyed all its people.

Scene 2 Location: the nearest bar to Terminator’s landing point

Logline: Terminator takes a biker’s clothes since he has none.

Essence: Terminator is a deadly machine that looks like a man

Scene 3 Location: Pescadero Prison for the Criminally Insane

Logline: Sarah escapes

Essence: Sarah knows the Terminator has returned and she needs to protect her son.

Scene 4 Location: Auto garage at night

Logline: Sarah and Terminator dress each others’ wounds

Essence: Sarah, John and Terminator are interdependent to get through the crisis, whether or not Sarah likes it

Scene 5 Location: Dyson’s home

Logline: After Sarah tries but fails to be Dyson’s Terminator, only wounding him, he is open to change.

Essence: When Dyson sees the future effects of his work, he agrees to end his project for good.

My selection for most profound essence:

This last scene listed above, scene 5. It is where an historically important person decides to change the course of history by abandoning all his research to date and wiping out any chance of anyone reconstructing it. It’s indicative of the sacrifice humanity itself must make if it is to survive.

136 INT. HOUSE

Advancing with Sarah we enter the living area. Tarissa has Blythe and

she’s screaming at Danny, who has run back to his collapsed father.

TARISSA

Danny! DANNY!

DANNY

Daaaaddddeeee!

Danny is pulling at Dyson, crying and screaming, as his father tries

to stagger forward. Tarissa drops Blythe and runs back for Dyson,

grabbing him. Sarah looms behind them with the pistol aimed.

SARAH

Don’t fucking move! Don’t FUCKING MOVE!!

(she swings the gun on

Tarissa)

Get on the floor, bitch! Now!! Fucking down!

NOW!!

Sarah is crazy-eyed now, shaking with the intensity of the moment.

The kill has gone bad, with screaming kids and the wife involved…

things she never figured on. Tarissa drops to the knees, terrified

as she looks into the muzzle of the gun. Blythe runs to Dyson and

hugs him, wailing.

BLYTHE

Don’t hurt my father!

SARAH

(screaming)

Shut up, kid! Get out of the way!!

Dyson looks up, through his pain and incomprehension. Why is this

nightmare happening? The black gun muzzle is a foot from his face.

DYSON

(gasping)

Please… let… the kids… go…

SARAH

Shut up! SHUT UP!! Motherfucker! It’s all

your fault! IT’S YOUR FAULT!!

We see her psyching herself to pull the trigger… needing now to hate

this man she doesn’t know. It’s a lot harder face-to-face. She is

bathed in sweat, and it runs into her eyes. Blinking, she wipes it

fast with one hand, then gets it back on the gun. The .45 is

trembling.

TIGHT ON SARAH as we see the forces at war behind her eyes.

She looks into the faces of Dyson, Tarissa, Blythe, Danny.

Sarah takes a sharp breath and all the muscles in her arms contract

as she tenses to fire.

But her finger won’t do it.

She lowers the gun very slowly. It drops to her side in one hand.

All the breath and energy seems to go out of her.

She weakly raises her other hand in a strange gesture, like “Stay

where you are, don’t move”. As if, should they move, the fragile

balance might tip back the other way.

She backs away from them slowly, panting. It’s as if she’s backing

away in terror from what she almost did. She reaches a wall and

slumps against it. Slides down to her knees. The gun falls limply

from her fingers.

She rests her cheek against the wall.

136A The front door is kicked in.

Terminator steps inside. John grabs his sleeve and pushes past him.

He scopes out the situation in two seconds… Sarah, the gun, the

sobbing family. John moves to Sarah while Terminator checks Dyson.

John kneels in front of his mother. She raises her head to look at

him. He sees the tears spilling down her cheeks,

JOHN

Mom? You okay?

SARAH

I couldn’t… oh, God.

(she seems to she him for

the first time)

You… came here… to stop me?

JOHN

Uh huh.

She reaches out and takes his shoulder suddenly, surprising him…

drawing him to her. She hugs him and a great sob wells up deep inside

her, from a spring she had thought long dry. She hugs him fiercely

as the sobs wrack her.

John clutches her shoulders. It is all he ever wanted.

JOHN

It’s okay. It’ll by okay. We’ll figure it

out.

SARAH

I love you, John. I always have.

JOHN

I know, Mom. I know.

TARISSA looks around at the bizarre tableau. Terminator has

wordlessly ripped open Dyson’s shirt and examined the wound.

TERMINATOR

Clean penetration. No shattered bone.

Compression should control the loss of blood.

He takes Tarissa’s hands and presses them firmly over the entrance and

exit wounds.

TERMINATOR

Do you have bandages?

DYSON

In the bathroom. Danny, can you get them for

us?

Danny nods and runs down the hall.

John disengages from Sarah. She wipes her tears, the instinct to

toughen up taking over again. But the healing moment has had its

effect, nevertheless.

John walks toward Dyson and Terminator.

DYSON

Who are you people?

John draws the Biker’s knife from Terminator’s boot. Hands it to him.

JOHN

Show him.

Terminator takes off his jacket to reveal bare arms.

John takes Blythe by the hands and leads her down the hall, away

from what is about to happen.

136B TIGHT ON TERMINATOR’S left forearm as the knife makes a deep cut just

below the elbow. In one smooth motion, Terminator cuts all the way

around his arm. With a second cut, he splits the skin of the forearm

from elbow to wrist.

TERMINATOR grasps the skin and strips is off his forearm like a

surgeon rips off a rubber glove. It comes off with a sucking rip,

leaving a bloody skeleton.

But the skeleton is made of bright metal, and is laced with hydraulic

actuators. The fingers are as finely crafted as watch parts… they

flex into a fist and extend. Terminator holds it up, palm out, in

almost the exact position of the one in the vault at Cyberdyne,

HOLD ON DYSON reacting to the servo-hand in front of him.

He’s seen one of these before.

Tarissa is screaming now, but he doesn’t hear her.

DYSON

My God.

TERMINATOR

Now listen to me very carefully.

137 INT. HOUSE/KITCHEN – LATER

Sarah puts out her fifth cigarette. She’s sitting on the counter.

John, Terminator, Dyson, and Tarissa are at the kitchen table, under

a single overhead light.

Dyson looks like that guy on the Sistine Chapel wall, the damned

soul… eyes fixed and staring with terrifying knowledge. His

shoulder is bandaged. Terminator’s arm is wrapped with a blood-soaked

bandage below the elbow. The steel forearm and hand gleam in the

harsh kitchen light. TRACKING AROUND THE TABLE as Terminator

speaks… we don’t hear the words.

SARAH (V.O.)

Dyson listened while the Terminator laid it all

down. Skynet. Judgment Day… the history of

things to come. It’s not every day you find

out you’re responsible for 3 billion deaths.

He took it pretty well, considering…

Terminator finishes speaking.

DYSON

I feel like I’M gonna throw up.

He looks around at them, clutching the table like he’s about to blow

away. His face, his posture, his ragged voice express soul-wrenching

terror. This is a man ripped out of normal life into their grim

world. His voice is pleading.

DYSON

You’re judging me on thing’s I haven’t even

done yet. Jesus. How were we supposed to know?

Sarah speaks from the shadows behind them. Dyson turns to find her

looking right at him.

SARAH

Yeah. Right. How were you supposed to know?

Fucking men… all you know how to do is thrust

into the world with your… fucking ideas and

your weapons. Did you know that every gun in

the world is named after a man? Colt, Browning,

Smith, Thompson, Kalashnikov… all men. Men

built the hydrogen bomb, not women… men like

you thought it up. You’re so creative. You

don’t know what it’s like to really create

something… to create a life. To feel it growing

inside you. All you know how to create is

death… you fucking bastards.

JOHN

Mom, Mom, we need to be more constructive here.

I don’t see this as a gender-related issue.

(to the Dysons)

She’s still tense.

(to Sarah)

We still have to figure out how to stop it all

from happening. Right?

TARISSA

But I thought… aren’t we changing things? I

mean… right now? Changing the way it goes?

DYSON

(seizing on that)

That’s right! There’s no way I’m going to

finish the new processor now. Forget it. I’m

out of it. I’m quitting Cyberdyne tomorrow…

I’ll sell real estate, I don’t care,,,

SARAH

(coldly)

That’s not good enough.

Dyson’s voice is pitiful.

DYSON

Look, whatever you want me to do, I’ll do. I

just want my kids to have a chance to grow up,

okay?

TERMINATOR

No one must follow your work.

DYSON

(thoughts racing)

Alright, yeah. You’re right. We have to

destroy the stuff at the lab, the files, disk

drive… and everything I have here. Everything!

I don’t care.

[joe McGloin]

Hi All,

1. Joe McGloin

2. How many scripts you’ve written? 3 produced shorts, 7 feature-length screenplays.

3. What you hope to get out of the class? Increased ability to find lots of ways to re-write a scene so it becomes as interesting as I can make it, so it improves the whole script.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I moved from the east coast to the mid west last year, leaving my birth state for the first time, at 70.

[joe McGloin]

1. Brainstorm the surface and subtext beneath the surface on a Character level for your top 3 characters.

2. Give us a sentence or two of how the character subtext might show up in your story.

Jule: (Lies)

Character
Surface: Jule is a misjudged engineer just trying to return to their work
Cracter
Subtext: Jule is a self-appointed general who massacred an entire village
as retribution for their perceived disloyalty

Theandro (Afraid to say)

Character
Surface: Theandro is someone who can send the criminal away to perform
restitution while keeping their sleazy lawyer at bay
Character
Subtext: Theandro is an angel who fought with vengeance instead of emotional
neutrality, and has paid the price

Twstr (Being polite)

Character
Surface: Twstr is a champion of the
unjustly accused who want to see justice prevail.
Character
Subtext: Twstr is a demon intent on inflicting more pain on humanity.

3. What I learned doing this assignment is writing out character subtext in sentences this way (which is better than the way I have been doing) clarifies and can even amplify character traits, both of which makes it easier to have them say or do the surface thing and have the subtext thing the surface

[joe McGloin]

1. Brainstorm environments that could possibly express the deeper meaning of your story.

Up in the clouds

Hell

Long, narrow room

Space

College campus

Dark spac e with nothing visible in any direction

2. Decide on two main Subtext Environments for your story. Give us an overview of each and a list of ways that each environment delivers the deeper meaning of your story.

Space lit with sunlight and starlight–

The afterlife in between area where individuals leave the spirit worlds to return to earth for another lifetime

The ethereal view of individuals without bodies

Space above earth for the literal fall of the main character who has done bad things that must now be rectified

A large, open area that can accommodate many individuals and the non-worldly experiences they need to have

Dark area with nothing visible in any direction

A timeless arena

Space, that has been destroyed

The feeling of helplessness all there feel

The realm of the bad individuals who have destroyed much of the realm the others inhabit

3. What I learned doing this assignment is that one environment can work on multiple levels to deepen all the characterizations, making it easier for several characters to both express themselves and to take the steps they need to complete their character journeys. Because without those environments, we wouldn’t easily see how they respond to severe and life-threatening situations. So these other environments also help us see what some characters are made of.

[joe McGloin]

Surface: A criminal convicted of genocide…

Major Twist: …argues with a convincing lawyer against responsibility..

Deeper Meaning: …not knowing that the hearing takes place in the afterlife.

Plot Subtext:

Jule is led to a room to receive final preparations for a journey

Jule refuses to leave, insisting there was no crime of any importance.

Jule’s attempts to clear themself of responsibility falter until a shady friend and lawyer appears to argue the case

Jule discovers they are in the afterlife and must reincarnate to pay restitution for genocide.

Those preparing Jule for the journey help reconstruct the events the trauma has blocked from memory, so Jule resigns to returning to earth to settle the score.

What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of a clear deeper meaning as the constant undercurrent in a story, similar to a musical drone.

[joe McGloin]

HI Eran,

Just getting back to this class (exchanging scripts in another class). I lived in Silver Spring but worked in Rockville on the Pike for many years. Where are you headed when you leave?

[joe McGloin]

Karen! It’s good to see you here. Let’s catch up. I’ll call you.

[joe McGloin]

Thanks Tracy. It’s coming right over to you.

[joe McGloin]

Hi Robert,

If you don’t have a partner yet, I have a RomCom I’m ready to exchange, if you are interested.

[joe McGloin]

I admire your willingness to go all the way back, Micki, though it sounds totally daunting. Maybe it’s not necessary to go all the way back. What if you treat it like a producer has asked you to make some major changes but otherwise likes your writing? Would you feel different about the task? And maybe he gives you a ridiculous timeline, but has already optioned your script. How would you handle the re-write? Best wishes with your story.

[joe McGloin]

Hi Veleka. Haven’t seen you since – was it Proseries 41 or MSC 5? Anyway, are you ready for an exchange?

Joe

[joe McGloin]

Still looking for an exchange partner, Farrin?

[joe McGloin]

Hi Claudia,

I also have a Romcom and would like to exchange

[joe McGloin]

Sounds good, Pat.

[joe McGloin]

Hi Pat,

I also have a RomCom and would like to exchange feedback. And I responded to your connection request so will watch my gmail for a next step. I haven’t connected with a fellow SU student through that process yet.

Joe

[joe McGloin]

Ok Rebecca. My email is josephmcgloin2@gmail.com. When I receive yours I will send you my Pdf. ok?

[joe McGloin]

I like it, Pat. And I can identify, being over 65. Looking forward to watching it develop. This is my first Romcom. Excited about the possibilities.

[joe McGloin]

Thriller elements in a Romcom sounds very interesting Theresa. This is my first Romcom and looking forward to developing it from nothing, as Hal said.

[joe McGloin]

Looks funny and promising, Claudia. This is my first Romcom, so I’m busy researching the genre. Looking forward to seeing your Romcom develop.

[joe McGloin]

Joe McGloin

What I learned that is improving my writing is to be precise, as that makes for a more intensive study than using general traits. It’s hard, and worth it to get to the true traits.

Select three EXTREME people in your life. At least one of them should
be someone you really like. At least one of them should be someone you
don’t like.

Person 1– family guy, sponges, know-it-all, all-or-nothing

Person 2 – egotistical, insinuating, leader, patriarchal

Person 3 – engaging, talkative, helpful, spiritual

All the traits were born out in persons 1 and 3. 2 wasn’t as snide an insinuating as I thought, so I changed insinuating to self-satisfied – close to egotistical, but not quite.