[Joseph Rondina]

I agree to the terms stated above

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S QE CYCLE #5

LOGLINE: A SHREWD INVESTMENT BROKER TURNS THE LEGAL TABLES ON

A PREVIOUSLY RELIABLE SUBORDINATE.

ESSENCE: Phillip enjoys playing victim, then lures in his

mark for the kill.

SCENE:

EXT. HIGH RISE SCAFFOLDING – DAY

Phillip clumsily works the cables in an effort to release the

scaffold downward, before Brandy leans out the window at him.

BRANDY

Jesus! My God,, Phillip, don’t do

it. Don’t do it.

PHILLIP

Relax. I wasn’t going to jump.

Brandy bursts out in laughter, as she nearly frightened him

over the edge.

BRANDY

You’ve taken this “I can do it all”

attitude a bit far though.

A downward street view shows numerous FED agents, dressed in

black, quickly blanketing the building.

PHILLIP

(after a glance to the

street)

They’re here to say they don’t like

prima donas. Even hard working,

successful ones.

BRANDY

What are you saying?

Phillip climbs back into the office.

INT. LUXURIOUS OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

PHILLIP

With my social interests, Brandy,

I’d do the worst kind of jail time.

BRANDY

Okay, show’s over for today. What

are you rehearsing for, summer

stock? That’s my side gig.

Phillip pours a quick bourbon, neat, then gulps.

PHILLIP

I’m not acting.

BRANDY

You know I can help. Anything you

want me to do, I’m ready. I’m your

team player, just say the word.

PHILLIP

If you would be so kind.

BRANDY

Careful, deadly stuff that booze.

PHILLIP

It’s only killing me a little every

day. Not like the one-time fatal

financial blow I delivered as a

thank you to my parents.

BRANDY

That was a completely unexpected

collapse, by all accounts. Not your

fault. Now what’s with the panic

act?

PHILLIP

I wouldn’t put on a show for my

only true friend in the company.

BRANDY

I’d like to think I show everyone

here the same concern and respect.

I simply want to belong. This place

is everything to me. Don’t know

what I’d do without it.

PHILLIP

Pardon me if I don’t share that

enthusiasm at the moment. Right now

I’m wishing I’d taken that mid-west

position, so I wouldn’t have to

face this.

2.

BRANDY

I could do a Sarah Silverman

impersonation rant, that might

distract them while you’re sneaking

out the back.

PHILLIP

It’s out the window and over the

scaffolding, or off to prison.

There’s no sneaking away.

BRANDY

(paces)

Give me a minute to think. I’ll

vouch for your integrity, and every

legal investment/trade made here.

If…

PHILLIP

If what?

BRANDY

We trade offices. Even if one of us

does move up to executive V-P,

we’ll likely stay on this floor.

PHILLIP

Maybe we discuss that at a more

appropriate time.

BRANDY

Okay, your choice.

PHILLIP

You should really make yourself

scarce before they come up here,

wouldn’t want them to implicate you

in anything.

BRANDY

Hey, you saw my purchases all the

way down the line. Total

transparency. No inside moves.

PHILLIP

I’d be the first one to defend you.

But under the circumstances, not

sure how that goes over.

BRANDY

You have a sound track record too.

Not sure what they could be after.

3.

PHILLIP

I never even asked for your file

access to check those dates of

purchase against withdrawals,

that’s how much I was hands off the

money.

BRANDY

Might be better if you had looked

them over. I don’t mind giving you

access for a quick review, in case.

Brandy hands over the log-in code from her iphone notes.

BRANDY (CONT’D)

Just say you need to review them,

if they ask.

PHILLIP

This means a lot.

BRANDY

And, I’m staying. No matter what

happens. I’ve nothing to hide.

PHILLIP

Maybe let me take a bathroom break?

It could be a long interview.

BRANDY

I’ll come and get you when they

arrive.

INT. MENS EXECUTIVE BATHROOM LOUNGE – SAME

Brandy slowly enters, calls out for Phillip. Crickets, as she

proceeds down the row of mahogany stall doors.

Peering under a few, she notes the toilet paper dragging on

the floor.

BRANDY

(speaks through the door)

You’re still the only adult I know

who spins the roll.

PHILLIP

Go away.

BRANDY

Unfortunately, those two scary guys

in your office won’t.

4.

PHILLIP

I can’t go to jail, Brandy. It’s

not my destiny. Boarding schools,

prep schools, Ivy League. My

parents gave up everything to see I

was the chosen one.

BRANDY

Great. Then let’s go back to your

office and sing the chorus of

Fiddler on the Roof. Or I could

bring them in here. Shouldn’t be

too humiliating.

PHILLIP

Hell, no. Just get me another pair

of pants from my bottom desk

drawer.

BRANDY

(suppresses a laugh)

“Here sits Phillip, pressed and

fitted, came to fart, but

accidentally shitted”.

PHILLIP

Could you just get the pants.

LUXURIOUS OFFICE

PHILLIP

Gentlemen, welcome. I’m sure this

is not an easy assignment for you.

FED 1

I’ll tell you, it was certainly a

shock to me, considering most

people believe this is a top flight

investment firm.

PHILLIP

We’ve had our problems, no doubt.

But we’ve only recently collected

our internal audit. You beat us to

disclosure, is all.

Phillip looks up from his keyboard typing.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)

You don’t mind if I complete this

sale, do you? Every little bit will

help with the payoff of our

clients.

5.

A be-my-guest wave from FED 2, as Phillip’s screen view shows

him in Brandy’s account, changing dates, dollar amounts.

FED 1

I understand that you two were both

up for the same promotion position

this month.

PHILLIP

Competition’s hell, the closer you

get to the top.

FED 1

(to Brandy)

And your uncle is the current

President of this firm?

BRANDY

I don’t use that as a crutch.

PHILLIP

(to Brandy)

You pull that on us all the time,

what are you talking about.

BRANDY

I actually hadn’t had a chance to

tell Phillip that I was formally

selected, this morning. It’s a

senior executive role that more

suited my skills, whereas Phillip

is the brains behind all

transactions.

Phillip throws her a “that’s not helping” look.

FED 2

The company’s two billion dollars

in debt.

PHILLIP

Sadly, yes.

BRANDY

Phillip gets so caught up in the

numbers, sometimes, though, I don’t

know how he stays so honest.

Another sharp glare, then a smile, as Phillip retrieves

printer sheets when they spit out. Hands them to FED 1.

6.

PHILLIP

I believe this will explain

everything.

FED 1 glances at printed data, then at Brandy.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)

As your analysts will see, this

deal is intended to see that we

lose even more capital over the

next few months, while she pockets

plenty.

BRANDY

(catching on)

Now wait just a minute. Is he-

FED 2

(to Brandy)

You have the right to remain

silent.

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S INTEREST SCENE

What I learned doing this assignment is to design a scene

from an outline framework of events/situations/dialogue that

will keep a readers interest, and can be applied to any

future story/scene idea.

LOGLINE: PERSON A SEEKS REVENGE ON PERSON B, WHOM HE BELIEVES

IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ENDING HIS SPORTS CAREER.

Interest technique ideas:

STRUCTURAL

Suspense- Two men converge without exchanging pleasantries,

in an otherwise empty, dark space. One shoulders a bat.

Major Twist- B’s wife appears from a side office, naked from

head-to-toe.

Surprise- Media broadcast team enters, camera in tow,

shooting the awkward moment.

Mislead- Gina is not really involved with A.

Irony- unknown to A and B, A has been given a reprieve in his

job status change.

Uncertainty- Is A out for blood? Will B defend himself by any

means necessary? Will they reconcile?

Intrigue- Love triangle between player, coach, and coaches

wife.

Mystery- What did B do to warrant revenge? Will A, and B’s

wife pay for their affair? Will B defend his honor, or simply

move on?

Cliffhanger- Will A reverse his plan for B’s demise, before

it’s too late?

Dilemma- Will A now have to do away with his new girlfriend,

B’s wife, as well, now that she can be a witness against him.

Something Unseen- weaponry of choice, sits in the dark,

awaiting A’s command.

CHARACTER

Character Changes Dramatically- B has given up his bonus for

A’s retirement send off.

Betrayal- B has violated a long-standing promise to A, to

always be there to defend him.

Dilemma- B will maintain his professional integrity, but lose

a friendship.

Uncomfortable moment- B’s wife will reveal intimate details

about him to A.

Misinterpretation- Appearance of B’s naked wife mistakenly

presumed to mean A is having an affair with her, causing B to

injure A’s throwing hand.

SCENE:

INT. WAREHOUSE SPACE – NIGHT

Drop-down netting frames the darkened mock infield, where a

lone pitching machine with rotating wheels hum in the distant

darkness.

Person B, in baseball practice uniform, stands in the musty

batting cage space, bat in hand, as plainclothes PERSON A

approaches.

Unfriendly expressions best describe their countenance faceoff

through the batting cage mesh.

B

You gonna start ranting again,

because-

A

Can’t someone apologize for being

an ass.

B

You’re not in your usual gym rat

clothes.

A

My playing days are over. Didn’t

you see to that?

B

You always knew how this would end.

And it’s my job to help the team be

the best it can be.

2.

A

That’s not the deal we made. We

said “no matter what”.

B

When we were eighteen. And dreamed

of being the only two to ever make

it to the bigs from this dump of a

barn your grandfather owned. Jesus,

they cleaned this place since we

were here last?

A

I do the best I can on a limited

budget.

B

You still own this firetrap?

A

My inspiration to stay on top.

B

Well now it’s over. So move on,

Sell this memory, and live your

life.

A opened door behind them, from which emerges a naked woman.

B (CONT’D)

Gina?

A

Gina. What the hell?

GINA

You wanted to hurt him. And I

haven’t had my shot at payback for

his neglect, so, I thought we’d

show him.

B

(to A)

This is how you pay back an old

friends firm commitment?

GINA

Old is right. And I haven’t felt

anything firm from him in years.

A

(to B)

It’s not what you think.

(MORE)

3.

(to Gina)

Tell him.

GINA

C’mon, A, it was inevitable. You,

me? We were always a better match.

(CREATING A FUTURE)

B grips bat, anger/grief glance at Gina, then a WHACK of the

bat across A’s right hand, which blocks a near head blow.

B

Go ahead, try pitching with those

fingers now.

(DECLARATION ABOUT A’S

FUTURE)

Writhing in pain, A moves to a wall panel and throws on the

house lights, which reveal ten pitching wheel machines

focused on B in the cage.

A

You remember your old teammates?

(HOOK)

Worried eyes from BA

(CONT’D)

Maybe I’ll have a go at your job.

(ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE)

A remote control drawn from his pocket, A fires up all

machines which quickly fire hundreds of balls at high speed

into the cage.

B is too slow to escape the barrage and is struck squarely

about the face and head, dropping him for the remaining blows

to rain down after A cuts the lights completely.

EXT. WAREHOUSE BUILDING – CONTINUOUS

A, crippled hand cradled, and Gina, barely covered by a warmup

jacket, encounter PRESS, cameras rolling.

PRESS 1

How does it feel now that the

Manager announced you’ll be

staying, and the rookie will have

to wait his turn?

A

Staying? I didn’t-

A (CONT’D)

4.

PRESS 1

Guess you’ll have to give back

Coach B’s series share from last

year. Though, you probably hadn’t

heard the news that he was giving

it to you as a retirement send off.

A

His share?

(after a glance back at

the building)

No, I hadn’t. But he’s been a good

friend over the years.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment was a serious way to add

intrigue to a scene or story!

EXT. CONVENT SIDEWALK – DAY

CELL BUZZ from his coat. Farnsworth, 60, listens, then ends

call, as Rayelle and Nun hostage, Emily, exit the compound.

FARNSWORTH

(almost exhuberant)

Lunch anyone?

Rayelle backpedals, carefully distances herself, hiding gun.

RAYELLE

She’ll fill you in as to why I’m

not to be followed.

EMILY

(to Rayelle)

Wait. You can’t go. You promised my

boy would-

RAYELLE

I’ll be in touch.

EMILY

Please.

Forever the rogue, she’s off.

FARNSWORTH

It had to come down to us anyway.

Rayelle now out of sight, Farnsworth’s finger snap brings a

tube container from the limousine, carried by NEW BAD GUY.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

Commendable job the other night.

(offers tube)

And I almost destroyed our other

prize. Hope it’s in good hands.

EMILY

That’s what I was trying to explain

to Rayelle, before your arrival.

Emily steps toward him.

EMILY (CONT’D)

But now you’ve jeopardize the well

being of people very close to me.

Emily peels away her Habit headdress, tosses it aside, and

moves in for the kill.

FARNSWORTH

(about Rayelle)

We’ve known her every move. An old

nemesis. Her European friend, too.

Emily’s halted in her attack-

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

Who’s faked her death so many times

I’ve lost count.

Farnsworth feigns hands-up dread. Hands tube to Emily.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

The boy and Doctor are quite safe.

I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

It’s okay. They’re well protected.

(about the tube)

And it was wrong for me to steal

this one from you three years ago.

In the silence, Farnsworth gestures toward Convent.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

I was raised here. One of the many

forgotten orphans. Seems now I’ve

forgotten to give thanks.

EMILY

We still struggle with placement

for many.

FARNSWORTH

But not your own.

A soft nod from Emily reveals a pain worse than her cancer.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

It couldn’t have been easy, and I’m

partly to blame.

EMILY

I’m not following.

2.

FARNSWORTH

I had a son once. Edward.

An Emily back-pedal step, then awestruck posture.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

No real direction in his life.

Well, you might say only an

obsession. It seems he took

something from you that wasn’t his

to take.

You could knock Emily over with a feather about now.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

And he finally paid for his many

transgressions. I’m sorry that was

thrown upon you, too.

EMILY

Thou shalt not kill. I’ll accept my

own penance one day. Soon.

(a revelation)

But that makes you-

FARNSWORTH

The grandfather. And I wouldn’t

know where to begin.

EMILY

Genesis. Maybe it’s never too late

for a beginning.

FARNSWORTH

Let me think on it.

Almost back into Limo.

FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)

Also, I’m terribly sorry for your

health problems.

EMILY

If you’re a praying person…

FARNSWORTH

I could do that much.

(of Rayelle, again)

By the way, she’s actually leading

us to an even bigger prize as we

speak. And the more twists to the

story, the more valuable it will

be.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph’s Character Relationships:

What I learned doing this assignment was how to improve the story and the contribution of its characters in terms of maintaining the maximum audience interest in their actions and dialogue, simply by playing with/adjusting various traits. This will ultimately reveal the greatest relationship conflict between the characters and their goals.

CHARACTER TRAITS:

EMILY- demure, family oriented, angry, resilient

JANUS- Flamboyant, survivor, confrontational, sensitive

FARNSWORTH- Bitter, vengeful, suave, demanding

RAYELLE- secretive, murderous, greedy, deceitful

EMILY/JANUS-

Rapport- Resilient/survivor commonality allows them to carry out a difficult and challenging plan.

Conflict- Demure/Flamboyant traits clash when they have discussions or work together on theft plans.

Contrast- Formally educated, faith oriented, solid family background vs street survivor without roots.

Competition- resilient/survivor will ultimately test who has the greater inner strength. Also, family oriented, survivor, as Janus wants to have all the things in life that Emily has.

Subtext- Demure and inner anger vs confrontational/survivor demonstrates how each has handled their respective life crises.

CHANGE:

Janus- Jealousy for sensitive

Subtext change- Every action Janus takes would now undermine Emily’s success.

Emily- Family oriented for Lone wolf

Subtext change- Emily would reject any strategy for the team put forth by Janus as likely to fail

EMILY/FARNSWORTH-

Rapport- Angry/Bitter, as both come from not dissimilar background rearing

Conflict- resilient/demanding, each pushes beyond their apparent limit when threatened with losing

Contrast- Family oriented/honest to the core vs suave and pretentious exterior only

Competition- resilient vs vengeful/demanding in pursuit of theft item

Subtext- See rapport!

CHANGE:

Farnsworth- Crass for suave.

Contrast change- Emily’s sophistication and social rearing vs Farnsworth’s crude language/behavior

Emily- Lacking confidence for resilient

Competition change- Emily would eventually crumble under the demands of Farnsworth, and would have to find a new solution.

EMILY/RAYELLE-

Rapport- resilient/greedy, as both are after the same prize. Also, angry/murderous, as both have deployed similar end-game strategies.

Conflict- Family oriented/murderous, as Emily still has a soul, but Rayelle has lost hers long ago.

Contrast- Emily is grounded in faith and family. Rayelle is driven by greed at any cost.

Competition- resilient vs deceitful and secretive, as both vie for the prize using different approaches.

Subtext- resilient, Emily has something to prove for an old mistake. Murderous/deceitful/secretive Rayelle enjoys picking on the meek/mild targets.

CHANGE:

Rayelle- Benevolent for greedy

Rapport- as both would now be operating from the same beneficent playbook, though Rayelle’s deceit will allow her to con others with her generosity.

Emily- aggressive for demure

Competition change- each deceit or secretive action by Rayelle would be met with an in-your-face response by Emily.

JANUS/FARNSWORTH-

Rapport- survivor/confrontational vs demanding/vengeful, each knows how to get through life, in spite of any obstacle.

Conflict- confrontational/vengeful, as neither will back down when it comes to the theft prize.

Contrast- sensitive vs vengeful, Janus is aware that her survival has a deeper meaning than materialism. Farnsworth simply takes what he wants for the moment’s gratification.

Competition- confrontational/demanding, as each is highly competitive

Subtext- sensitive survivor vs bitter/vengeful. Janus has discovered what is truly important in life. Farnsworth will be unable to escape his past.

CHANGE:

Janus- hard-hearted for sensitive

Rapport change- Janus would blow off every attempt by Farnsworth to reconcile their relationship

Farnsworth- forgiving for vengeful

Subtext change- Farnsworth would allow Janus to step all over him with her confrontational attitude, until his bitterness can no longer be contained and takes over!

RAYELLE/FARNSWORTH-

Rapport- Greedy/demanding, as both made from the same mold. Deceitful/suave, as both know how to manipulate their opponents.

Conflict- greedy/demanding, as they are old nemeses, will also get them into direct battles today, as well as in the future.

Contrast- none

Competition- see conflict

Subtext- secretive/suave, but both have hidden agendas for the other.

CHANGE:

Rayelle- Openness for secretive

Competition change- Rayelle will lay out her intentions, but this will create uncertain footing for Farnsworth due to her past deceits.

Farnsworth- accommodating for demanding

Competition change- Farnsworth will allow Rayelle to control the course of events during the theft/double-cross

RAYELLE/JANUS-

No association of any consequence

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S QE #4

LOGLINE: Rene invades Maxine’s covert world to set a trap

ESSENCE: Renee enjoys employing her talents, but discovers

even she has limits

TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s Emotionally wounded to Hardened,

Teflon demeanor

INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Ongoing house party, servers entering/exiting the kitchen

with food platters.

Carrying a weighted, flowery tote bag, matronly, MAXINE,

descends a back staircase into the stainless steel space to

find, RENEE, vigorously wiping the dust off of her

fashionable loafers with a wet paper towel.

MAXINE

Do you have an invitation to be

here?

RENEE

Ms. Maxine, finally, I was so

hoping to have a private moment

with you here today, in the midst

of all this excitement.

MAXINE

Your Invitation?

RENEE

I was a last minute replacement for

my mother, who couldn’t make it

because of this flu thing. She does

send her apologies, though.

MAXINE

What’s her name?

RENEE

Emily Johnson.

Maxine’s expression momentarily startled by the answer.

MAXINE

Of course. You couldn’t be Rachel,

could you?

RENEE

Her younger sister, Renee.

MAXINE

Why didn’t Rachel come?

RENEE

You know how it is. The youngest

always gets what they want.

Besides, we told her it was an

LGBTQ meeting.

MAXINE

(relieved)

I guess she didn’t remember I have

no soft spot for special interests.

(with a hand wave)

By the way, we don’t do our

cleaning in the kitchen. Please use

the bathroom down the hallway.

RENEE

I also knew your daughter from the

high school Booster Club. I was the

president.

An “I don’t really care” shrug, Maxine’s eyes say she’s still

more focused on the sink washing.

RENEE (CONT’D)

It’s a utility sink, ma’am. I know

my way around a set-up like this

from my job as a full-time nanny,

and would never violate a food

space.

MAXINE

I’m convinced that every child

should have a Nanny. Enough of all

this parental coddling and

attachment. Anyway, I actually have

more important things to worry

about at the moment.

RENEE

Perhaps I can make amends for

upsetting you about my

fastidiousness. I’m quite

resourceful.

MAXINE

As a matter of fact, I am in need

of a clever girl, such as yourself.

RENEE

I’m nineteen. Basically a woman.

2.

MAXINE

It’s for the rest of us to make

that judgment. Ok, then, please

take this bag and its contents out

through the service door to the

back path and follow it until you

can no longer see the house.

RENEE

The bag looks stained.

MAXINE

It’s been kept in the freezer, so

that the contents wouldn’t spoil.

RENEE

Is it some kind of meat? It smells

like a deer. Ewe, I hate venison.

MAXINE

Good God, no, it’s not deer meat.

My husband wouldn’t consider any

game sport except a good fox hunt.

RENEE

Well it smells spoiled. I know

spoiled. This sounds like it’ll

take a lot of effort. Is there pay

involved?

MAXINE

If you insist. How does fifty

dollars sound?

RENEE

Make it one hundred, and you won’t

have to worry about a thing.

Maxine hands her the bag, which Renee keeps at arms length.

MAXINE

When you’re out of sight, dig a

hole and bury the entire contents.

Don’t even look inside. Abort the

mission if there’s even a suspicion

of anyone seeing you.

RENEE

There isn’t another house for

miles. I doubt a S.W.A.T. Team is

going to swoop down on us.

3.

MAXINE

Just don’t speak with anyone about

this. Can I have your word?

RENEE

I do what I’m told, whenever I’m

assigned a job. Without deviating

from the instructions. My motto is:

no room for creativity.

MAXINE

Remind me not to invite you to my

next museum council meeting. Or my

empowered women’s group. We don’t

allow another’s burden to affect

our choices.

RENEE

Boy, I hope if anything serious

happens to me while I’m young, that

I’m not as bitter and cynical about

life when I get to be as old as you

are.

MAXINE

And I hope, for your sake, that you

never get yourself pregnant, and

ruin that gorgeous size four body

of yours.

Renee holds her tongue, clearly picking her battles.

RENEE

You’ll have my word on secrecy.

MAXINE

And I’ll never mention we spoke a

word about any of this today.

RENEE

So hush-hush. I love it. Maybe we

can do business again someday.

MAXINE

Oh, let me be clear, this means

we’re connected for life. Or, you

could change your mind and back out

now. But that means I’ll have to

tell everyone I caught you looking

through my study desk.

Renee’s slowly out the door, where Maxine’s eyes follow her

out of sight.

4.

EXT. WOODED AREA – SAME

Renee’s on her cell.

RENEE

(into cell)

It’s Christine, I’m about a quarter

mile behind the house. On a dusty

path- that will mean I’ll have to

clean my shoes for a third time

today. Will the police department

reimburse me for my wardrobe?

Renee swipes at some clinging spider webs in her hair.

RENEE (CONT’D)

(into cell)

Could you hurry. She’s bound to

figure out Rachel Johnson doesn’t

have a sister, and is probably

following me out here. And I’m

thinking Maxine has left her own

daughter alone upstairs in that

house, where she’s been for five

months, supposedly ill.

Renee simultaneously opens the bag and clumsily drops a cloth

wrapped object which rolls out onto the ground- Where a

lifeless, bloodied fetus is revealed.

After Renee’s temporary disgust meltdown-

RENEE (CONT’D)

(into cell)

I changed my mind about the bonus

and promotion. In fact, take my

name off of any record of this. Or

I give Maxine, and her dangerous

crowd, your home address.

INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE – SAME

Maxine responds to the front doorbell pipe chimes, opens, and

is greeted by a contingent of police officers and

plainclothes detectives.

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S QE CYCLE #3

LOGLINE: Two Researchers make a play to move up in the world, but interfering with top secrets and espionage breaks are a quick way to a free-fall.

ESSENCE: A pair of distrustful nemeses have separately found a successful niche in their profession, but find they can’t tolerate colossal failure when they finally work together.

SCENE:

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB SPACE – DAY

A deserted mess of chairs, empty desks, and lab benches, with trash strewn about, finds a still professionally dressed, NANCY, and Squire, clad in Hawaiian shirt and shorts, each packing up the last of a few files into separate boxes on opposite sides of the large space.

SQUIRE

Guess they figured one of the last two standing should be someone who used to think I put a bomb in her toilet tank so that she’d blow her still tight glutes into pieces when she flushed.

NANCY

And one who still believes that I caused his anaphylactic reaction at an out-of-the-way restaurant in Southeast Asia. Forgetting that it was me who rushed him to the hospital.

SQUIRE

I know you were just covering your tracks.

NANCY

Just like now. The last of those viral chains will never see the light of day. Not unless I say.

SQUIRE

Why I nicknamed you Clean-up Hitter, precious girl.

Back to work, the two occasionally glance at each other over their shoulders.

NANCY

Better move it, pretty boy. You left some of your garbage in the break room. Won’t get any extra time for that.

SQUIRE

Material items can be replaced.

NANCY

Most of that crap, yes. But, you abandon that cat, I’m taking her.

SQUIRE

I was actually going to buy her a final gourmet meal, candle lights and all, before feeding her the virus.

NANCY

Let’s say you leave her to me, and I only report you for the Paris conference fraud. Or, try to feed her your virus, and I use this government issued Glock, under my skirt, to blow your head off and say it was self-defense.

SQUIRE

My virus?

NANCY

The Big, Little Man has your name on his paper.

SQUIRE

I brought them coffee when I was an undergrad. Jesus, honey, you know how credit works when there’s to be future payback.

NANCY

So that’s why he picked you to help me after everyone had gone.

SQUIRE

That, and, I’m the least likely to rattle. Plus…

NANCY

What?

SQUIRE

I get my name purged from any record of this fiasco.

NANCY

What about your lab partner?

SQUIRE

I’m afraid I don’t know who you’re referring to.

NANCY

That Pollyanna twin of yours who never had a restless night’s sleep over an experiment failing, like the rest of us have.

SQUIRE

As I said, not sure who it is you’re talking about.

NANCY

(aware now)

She dumped you over this. Should have known.

SQUIRE

Your President cut my funding. Turns out, she was a money chaser.

NANCY

And your old President had us shipped over to this Hell Hole. Where I haven’t been able to see my new Grand baby in two years.

SQUIRE

I’m alone, too, from here on. No strings, no pressures, no problems.

NANCY

I won’t let up that easy. I’ve been passed over too many times.

SQUIRE

I’m hard to resist, always have been. You’ll get over me, though. Besides, when you get back home you’ll be ready to move on.

NANCY

It’ll be totally different when I get back. Big, Little Man is headed for a demotion, once I leak what’s happened here.

SQUIRE

Not once he has his hands on the replicated virus stores.

(glances at watch)

Which should arrive tomorrow, about this time in Washington.

NANCY

You stole some. All for yourself, again?

SQUIRE

It’s been extra humid this season, don’t you think?

NANCY

What if I can have his inner circle arrested for sabotage before it arrives. Then, they turn on him, and-

SQUIRE

I always bow to your genius with that play. Why I love you. Gets me every time. Down deep. Really.

NANCY

See? There’s always a another low you could crawl to.

SQUIRE

Not cheaply, though. By the time I was finished making him believe he was six-foot-two, he was ready to open the vault.

NANCY

Maybe I use this Glock, anyway, you Jimmy Buffet piece of shit.

SQUIRE

I love you too, honey. But that flattery still won’t get you a share of my take for the shipment.

NANCY

(lights on)

Those two cartons marked “Green Deal”?

SQUIRE

What about them?

NANCY

I thought that was the last of the labs cash reserves.

SQUIRE

Jesus, Nancy, what did you do?

Squire frantically searches his cell phone email.

NANCY

I sent one on the plane, and the other I gave to Mister Peng. For the rest of his team to split.

SQUIRE

Peng? He’s the most bitter person about all of this. And a vindictive son-of-a-bitch.

Squire places a cell call.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

(into cell, after several rings)

Peng?

PENG (V.O.)

Mister Squire, sorry I couldn’t say goodbye, but, you see, I have a very important meeting with the regional CCP Minister of Health.

SQUIRE

Don’t do it, Peng. That idea will kill a lot of your people, too.

PENG (V.O.)

Stay well, Mister Squire. And say hello to your President Trump for us. Tell him it’s nothing personal, but the red hat was our idea first.

Life’s blood draining from his face, Squire turns to find Nancy offering the Glock.

NANCY

You first. I remember you always had a weak stomach.

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S MAX INTEREST 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to keep

the reader’s interest in the scene and it’s characters, so

that they want to know more about them and what will happen

in their future.

ESSENCE: In need of caring and genuine affection, and naive

of the dating world, Emily’s first intimate encounter is at

the hands of rogue, Edward.

Interest Techniques used for the re-write:

HOOK- something has happened between these two that she is

not happy about.

DILEMMA- if she tells, the fallout may be worse for her in

this elite world around them.

PREDICTION- Edward will not have a long life

SOMETHING UNSEEN- the rough sex act.

MYSTERY- how did she wind up in this situation with this guy.

CREATING A FUTURE- Is Teen Emily to become a champion?

ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE- what’s going to happen to Edward

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT- jabs about Edwards hygiene and sexual

performance.

ORIGINAL SCENE

INT. EXERCISE ROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK

Older Teen Emily confronts a callous, sculpted Edward, mirror

watching his free-weight curls in a Spanish Revival Mansion

pool house’s private gym.

TEEN EMILY

Why?

EDWARD

Why? Watching you sweat down here

for months. That’s why.

TEEN EMILY

Could have been gentle. Special.

EDWARD

That’s for high school boys.

TEEN EMILY

What if I get pregnant?

EDWARD

Then he, or she, could have a dozen

or so half-siblings out there.

TEEN EMILY

Maybe Mother was right this one

time. You are a wild boar.

END FLASHBACK SCENE

RE-WRITE SCENE

INT. EXERCISE ROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK

Older Teen Emily confronts a callous, sculpted Edward, mirror

watching his free-weight curls in a Spanish Revival pool

house gym.

EDWARD

Tracking my pheromones, girl?

TEEN EMILY

So, that’s the sweat stink I had on

me last night.

Edward pauses for the hit, but not too long.

TEEN EMILY (CONT’D)

Why?

EDWARD

Why? Watching you drip down here

for months. That’s why.

TEEN EMILY

You said I could be a champion one

day if I worked hard.

EDWARD

You’re closer than you think.

2.

TEEN EMILY

Could have been gentle. Special.

EDWARD

That’s for high school boys. You

ever had a date, you’d know.

TEEN EMILY

What if I get pregnant?

EDWARD

Then he, or she, could have a dozen

or so half-siblings out there. Or just take care of it.

TEEN EMILY

You know I can’t do that.

EDWARD

Oh right, The Calling.

Emily heads for the door.

TEEN EMILY

Not even worried you might lose

your job, are you?

EDWARD

I’m part of the family now. So to

speak. Think of the scandal. And

who might really be to blame.

Emily scans a visitor corps through a window, gathering

outside.

EDWARD (CONT’D)

No, I believe my position’s firm.

TEEN EMILY

Better be more firm than you were

last night.

Edward’s eyes dart at the flippant one-up.

EDWARD

Shit, what do you know?

TEEN EMILY

That Mother’s probably right this

one time: You’re not the type who

lives long enough to really make a

difference in life.

END FLASHBACK SCENE

3.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph’s Challenging Situation

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is a process which will ensure that my characters will not have smooth passage through each scene.

CURRENT SCENE LOGLINE:

Burdened by a new terminal diagnosis and the prospect of this being their last competition, a top-ranked challenger must out-duel jealous rivals for the title trophy.

ESSENCE: This final event is about more than winning or losing, it’s about reconciling the part of the character’s life that has brought both pleasure and the most pain, in order to move forward with difficult choices.

Possible challenges:

Goal: be at their best, despite mental and physical deficiencies

Needs: comforting, but will meet more harsh attitudes due to the height of competition

Values: maintain sportsmanship in the face of anger, resentment.

Wound: will lose estranged family without settlement, as well as own life

Physical: Needs a flawless performance, somehow.

SUMMARY FOR RE-WRITE:

Misses timing cues.

Goes out of their way to acknowledge competitors accomplishments, but is met with hostility.

Violates competition rules in quest for victory.

Endures competitor digs about their personal life, which is in tatters.

Unsteady, weakening physical state during the competition.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph’s Full-out characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to place characters into more conflicted and dramatic positions, given their traits, set-up description, and subtext, which will bring more interest to every scene and goal as they more through the story

PRICE:

Description- An underachiever who willingly accepts the role of being a dimmer star than his older brother.

Core Traits- gifted, romantic, loner, predictable, ordered.

Subtext- He’d really like to show everyone that he is the true golden boy of the family.

PRICE:

Description- An underachiever who wishes to remain a dimmer star than his heralded brother, but becomes judge, jury, and executioner of those who eventually decide on a different plan for his life.

Core Traits- gifted, romantic, loner, predictable, ordered, justice-driven.

Subtext- Price has no formal training to allow him to take his brother’s place after his death, but only their father knows that secret.

DANI:

Description- Aims to be the best, regardless of who she must step over or outshine.

Core Traits- feisty, tough, intelligent, detail oriented.

Subtext- She plays two men on opposite sides of a fight, in order that each will aid in the advancement of her career

DANI:

Description- She’s an over – achiever to a fault, stepping over others for success because she’s under the pressure of deportation if she fails

Core Traits- feisty, tough, intelligent, detail oriented, concealing

Subtext- Aligned with the good-guys plight, she actually colludes with the enemy, in order to pay back a debt.

Jonathan:

Description- Insinuates himself into a control position for the company owned by his aging foster parents.

Core Traits- ruthless, vengeful, charming, megalomaniac

Subtext- He’s led to believe he will be cut out of the company’s future plans.

Jonathan:

Description- Illegally cons his way into a control position for the company owned by his aging foster parents.

Core Traits- ruthless, vengeful, charming, megalomaniac, murderer

Subtext- Along with the good-intention help of his foster parents, he hides the commission of a dreadful crime from his youth, in order to fit into his new world.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph’s QE #1 Re-write

Body Dysmorphic Syndrome, now that

was a tough peacock to defeather.

Gained more weight adding the

implants, than I lost in lipo

drilling.

PSYCHIATRIST

It’s really a part of the overall

problem spectrum. But you’ll see

yourself in an entirely different

light, along with recognizing your

potential contributions.

ROBERT

You’re scholarly without rival, but

I’ve been fourth assistant to the

favorite son of Calcutta for seven,

going on twenty, years. Not much

comes my way.

PSYCHIATRIST

I want you to go out there and give

it your best effort. It’s your

time. And I feel we’re finished

here. That’s why I’m terminating

our Doctor-Patient relationship.

ROBERT

Was it the group session request?

Maybe that was out of line, but I’m

always better when I can work a

room.

PSYCHIATRIST

You’re ready. But promise you’ll

never again sabotage a fellow

employee with those phone calls.

ROBERT

You mean the thing about my boss

Trent? He’s the mutinous scoundrel.

And some of those clients would

have an amazing impact on our

company’s future. They simply

needed another contact at the firm

to get them on board. Not this

insatiable rogue. However, being

fully committed to the success of

Beckman-Brown, I’ll try.

PSYCHIATRIST

I’m encouraged, then.

ROBERT

And I’ll not let this parting deter

me from recommending you to anyone

in need of your services.

INT. WAITING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Robert addresses the cohort of flat patients.

ROBERT

Drinks for everyone. I just

graduated.

Psychiatrist points to “NO ALCOHOL ON THE PREMISES” sign.

INT. CAR – SAME

Robert buckles up as he awaits a cell contact to answer.

ROBERT

Yes, hello. I’m not sure how to go

about this, but I feel it’s my duty

to notify the board of some

unscrupulous behavior on the part

of one of you certified physicians.

INT. OFFICE ANTEROOM – DAY

Robert arrives back at work, chats with/assists FLOWER SHOP

WOMAN, who attends to office vegetation, then drops a box of

chocolate on the RECEPTIONIST’S desk.

ROBERT

He wanted to see me?

RECEPTIONIST

I am lucky to work for the greatest

team ever. Mister Trent paid for my

medical bill balance AND gave me

money toward that family vacation I

thought we’d have to re-schedule.

Now this.

ROBERT

He’s just afraid you’ll find a

reason to leave. Me? I’m part of

his expense-free plan.

2.

RECEPTIONIST

Because he’s testing you. For the

future. See if you can make it on

your own. I overheard him.

ROBERT

That why I have a laundry list of

duties, everyday in my inbox?

RECEPTIONIST

He leaves nothing to chance.

Everything has a purpose.

ROBERT

Soooo, then he does use the martial

arts training to beat his clients

into submission?

RECEPTIONIST

Not if he wants to remain on the

Governor’s board for the prevention

of head trauma. He has some very

high profile contacts there.

ROBERT

I thought he said they only like

his money?

RECEPTIONIST

By the way, he has a meeting with

them at the capital in 1 hour, so

don’t dawdle. It throws him off.

ROBERT

You charge for your counseling and

insights?

RECEPTIONIST

Maybe you could benefit. I’m not

saying you need-

ROBERT

A psychiatrist? Me? I’m as sound as

they come. Never would even

consider that waste of my time.

INT. TRENT’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Robert enters finds Trent in coveralls. Room is in the midst

of an incomplete paint makeover.

ROBERT

Burnt Sienna?

3.

TRENT

You said I was a down to earth guy.

ROBERT

That you are. Hey, I won’t keep you- nice clean overalls, though I

didn’t expect you to actually do

the painting.

TRENT

My last office across town was ten

times the size. I hired an entire

crew, myself, to finish that job

over a weekend. Cost me double

time. But I’m a killer closer when

the colors are right.

ROBERT

And the furniture. Curtains. Sound

system.

TRENT

I get them what they want, I get

what I want.

ROBERT

Nice touch with the vacation and

medical bills, by the way.

TRENT

I want her husband’s account.

Should pave the way, no?

ROBERT

I know the Governor’s waiting, and

I don’t want them thinking it’s my

fault, so-

TRENT

I’m making you first assistant.

ROBERT

Jesus.

Trent

Don’t let us down.

ROBERT

I feel like I should drive you to the important meeting, or something.

TRENT (CONT’D)

I’ll walk. I enjoy the trip over there. Let’s

me see where my Father was all

those times he couldn’t make it to

any of our events. It’s comforting

in an odd way.

ROBERT

Taught you to carry the big stick- that

I’ll never have.

4.

TRENT

Something like that. Here, you can

see the dome from the window. Watch

you don’t fall out, though.

As Robert steps closer, a barrage of kicks and chops from

Trent quickly opens up a few spurters from Robert’s face,

sprinkling Trent’s coveralls and the floor tarp, then-

TRENT (CONT’D)

You won’t be needing this anymore.

Trent removes Robert’s cell from his shirt pocket before

SENDING ROBERT ON A ONE WAY TRIP TEN STORIES DOWN.

Trent calmly paints over the blood drips on the tarp and the

spray on his coveralls with an already dipped brush- before

frantically calling for the Receptionist to come in.

[Joseph Rondina]

Body Dysmorphic Syndrome, now that

was a tough one to beat.

PSYCHIATRIST

It’s really a part of the overall

problem spectrum. But you’ll see

yourself in an entirely different

light, along with recognizing your

potential contributions.

ROBERT

This is why you’re the best.

Scholarly without rival, and still

able to communicate so succinctly

in a few words.

PSYCHIATRIST

Then it should be readily clear:

That I feel we’re finished here,

and I’m terminating our Doctor-

Patient relationship.

ROBERT

Was it the group session request?

Maybe that was out of line, but I’m

always better when I can work a

room.

PSYCHIATRIST

No, you’re ready. But promise me

you’ll never again sabotage a

fellow employee with those phone

calls.

ROBERT

You mean the thing about my boss

Trent? He’s a scoundrel. And some

of those clients would have an

amazing impact on our company’s

future. They simply needed another

contact at the firm to get them on

board. Not this rogue. But being

fully committed to the success of

Beckman-Brown, I’ll try.

PSYCHIATRIST

I’m encouraged, then.

ROBERT

And I’ll not let this parting deter

me from recommending you to anyone

in need of your services.

(MORE)

I’m grateful for what I’ve

accomplished here, and I know there

is more I’m capable of.

INT. CAR – SAME

Robert buckles up as he awaits a cell contact to answer.

ROBERT

Yes, hello. I’m not sure how to go

about this, but I feel it’s my duty

to notify the board of some

unscrupulous behavior on the part

of one of you certified physicians.

INT. OFFICE ANTEROOM – DAY

Robert arrives for work, chats with receptionist

RECEPTIONIST

We are lucky to work for the

greatest boss ever. He paid for my

medical bill balance AND money

toward that family vacation I

thought we’d have to re-schedule.

ROBERT

No surprise there. He’s always been

afraid you’ll find a reason to

leave. Doubt he’d ever help me out.

RECEPTIONIST

Because he’s testing you. For the

future. See if you can make it on

your own. I overheard him.

ROBERT

That why I have a laundry list of

duties, everyday in my inbox?

RECEPTIONIST

He leaves nothing to chance.

Everything has a purpose.

ROBERT

Soooo, then he does use the martial

arts training to beat his clients

into submission?

ROBERT (CONT’D)

2.

RECEPTIONIST

Not if he wants to remain on the

Governor’s board for the prevention

of head trauma in children’s

sports. And, by the way, he has a

meeting at the capital in 1 hour,

so don’t dawdle.

ROBERT

You charge for your counseling?

RECEPTIONIST

Maybe you could benefit. I’m not

saying you need-

ROBERT

A psychiatrist? Me? I’m as sound as

they come. Never would even

consider that waste of time.

INT. TRENT’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Robert enters finds Trent in coveralls. Room is in the midst

of an incomplete paint makeover.

ROBERT

Burnt Sienna?

TRENT

You said I was a down to earth guy.

ROBERT

I won’t keep you, hey nice

overalls, though I didn’t expect

you to actually do the painting.

TRENT

I told them I’m more creative when

I’m surrounded by the right colors.

ROBERT

And furniture, curtains. Sound

system.

TRENT

I get them what they want, I get

what I want.

ROBERT

Nice touch with the vacation and

medical bills.

3.

TRENT

I want her husband’s account.

Should pave the way, no?

ROBERT

Listen, I know the Governor’s

waiting, so-

TRENT

I just like to go over there. Let’s

me see where my Father was all

those times he couldn’t make it to

any of our events. It’s comforting

in an odd way.

ROBERT

Taught you to carry a big stick.

TRENT

Something like that. Here, you can

see the dome from the window. Watch

you don’t fall out, though.

As Robert steps closer, a barrage of kicks and chops from

Trent quickly opens up a few spurters from Robert’s face,

sprinkling Trent’s coveralls and the floor tarp, then-

ROBERT’S ON A ONE WAY TRIP TEN STORIES DOWN.

Trent calmly paints over the blood drips on the tarp and the

spray on his coveralls with a already dipped brush- before

frantically calling for the receptionist to come in

[Joseph Rondina]

JOSEPH’S MAX INTEREST PART I

TECHNIQUES I USED: INTRIGUE, UNCERTAINTY, BETRAYAL, SUSPENSE

SCENE ESSENCE: FARON’S TRYING TO SALVAGE A CAREER AND HIS

INDUSTRY, BUT HAS MOUNTING THREATS EVERYWHERE HE TURNS THESE

DAYS.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – SIDEWALK – DAY

Limited by a bandaged forehead and raccoon eyes, Faron

squints while he and Hubert gaze upward at facade sign.

HUBERT

Flight’s in an hour.

FARON

Wanted to show you before I go.

INSERT – SIGN, which reads:

“Music City News”

BACK TO SIDEWALK

HUBERT

I’m worried about this.

FARON

It’s the diversion I need. And

maybe a financial boost. You saw

the earnings last quarter.

HUBERT

Damn Brits.

FARON

It’ll keep our music alive. Stories

about the songs, performers, their

marriages, affairs, and killings.

HUBERT

We could also be set back years.

FARON

Have I ever made bad decisions?

(before Hubert responds)

Why I partnered with The Gusher.

HUBERT

Tell me you didn’t bring him into

our world.

FARON

I can work with anyone, for the

right price. And money just seems

to flow when he’s around a project.

HUBERT

And the streets seem to run red

with another flow when he’s

involved, also.

FARON

I’ll make him behave. You’ll see.

Tell me about Lynn. Still angry?

HUBERT

Worried if you don’t get a reign on

things soon, it may be too late.

FARON

Sound advice.

HUBERT

Heeding it could mean watching your

grand kids grow up.

FARON

I barely spent time with their

parents, remember?

HUBERT

Some other motivation then.

(about the new venture)

You do know this paper’s failed

more times than space launches?

FARON

Why I’m asking him to throw in

twenty-five percent. In case.

HUBERT

Hopefully no body part in return.

FARON

That’s all rumor. And besides, with

your help, I always find a way to

make things work out.

HUBERT

You never needed anyone’s help to

succeed. Your life’s always been a

private dream. We were just lucky

enough to see some of it.

Bentley pulls up. Crisply attired CEO (The Gusher)gets out.

2.

FARON

(to CEO)

I’ll have one to match some day.

CEO

Gentlemen.

FARON

(to Hubert)

And next year, we’ll talk about

building a hotel.

HUBERT

Should I just go ahead and start

looking for a new job?

CEO

No need, Hubert. My fifty-one/fortynine

split makes this quite

solvent. When we go our separate

ways down the road, you’ll have a

nice profit. And also whatever’s

left of your golden boy here as a

tip.

FARON

Possibly you misunderstood the

offer. I said seventy-five/twentyfive.

Me.

CEO

The bank saw things differently.

After I pointed out the depth of

your leveraged position. Which you

apparently neglected to tell them.

FARON

Maybe I withdraw the offer.

CEO

You keep talking, maybe I make it

eighty/twenty. Me.

FARON

You’d flop without my name

recognition.

CEO

Out of your league in this type

venture, I’m afraid. What I do

isn’t entertainment. That’s why

there are no highs and lows.

3.

HUBERT

(anxious, hands check to

Faron)

Almost forgot, Buck Owens sends his

regards, and this, for the startup.

Pleased, Faron shows it to CEO, who scoffs at the amount

before going inside.

HUBERT (CONT’D)

Buck also wants you to place an ad.

FARON

He would. Worthless deserter.

CEO

(to Faron, before entering

building)

Save that. For your sick leave.

Faron folds the check away as if it’s a precious treasure.

FARON

(about CEO)

Not sure what you were worried

about, Herbert. He seems like a

real nice fellow.

HUBERT

This might be more dangerous than

your other life threatening hobby.

FARON

Oh, Feds trying to put a stop to

that. Said flying wasn’t for me.

Imagine? After Patsy, and now Jim

Reeves, it’s just as well. What

we’re doing up in those corn cans I

don’t know. Living’s certainly not

it.

What I learned: A major breakthrough in how to set up for an

important pay-off later by introducing a motive reveal in

this scene, for a future major twist in the story

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph Profiles People

PERSON 1 “like”

TRAITS

Conspiracy theorist

God Fearing

Germophobe/Paranoid

Two-faced

1-Recently discussed Government takeover of healthcare system, EMP attack, and monetary collapse of U.S. dollar system, ALL UNSOLICITED TOPICS, during the same conversation.

2-Constantly infuses conversation with blessings. Will constantly bring up recent events occurring in the State of Israel, and the Armageddon to come.

3- Steadily increasing use of PPE, despite new knowledge of risk factors in his age group. (also, see #1 above)

4- complained to me that he does not receive business referrals or our company support, and therefore can’t make a living, but a company official’s recent home visit of his property for an equipment check discovered that a hardware station set-up to enhance his business access to clients (provided by the company for his benefit) was piled in a corner of his garage, collecting dust.

PERSON 2 “dislike”

Grifter

Know-it-all

Devoted parent

Lazy, generally apathetic

1-never ending schemes to make money without much effort. Newest gig is to provide menial work at a local winery and somehow receive payment in the form of cask run-off, which he bottles and applies a (non-registered) new company label for re-selling. Seemingly unmoved by the fact that he never generates enough income with these schemes to support himself.

2-has convinced, and is currently advising, a mutual acquaintance about legal defense strategy for a domestic dispute/custody/eviction process, despite the fact that he barely finished high school and has no first-hand knowledge of these matters. A name-dropper, who always has a key contact “somewhere”.

3- extremely dedicated to his two-year-old daughter, despite no real means of financial support for her, along with the knowledge that the child’s mom has no emotional ties toward him whatsoever.

4- absolutely refuses, to this day, at the age of 38, to procure any steady, gainful employment or develop a stable marketable talent. Satisfied to live off of the financial charity of others for his food, and a roof over his head. Daily, excessive marijuana use.

PERSON 3 “neutral”

Emotionally unstable

Vengeful

Corrupt

Delusional

1-Becomes tearful during discussions, if he feels an action directed toward him is false (generally they are not false, however)

2-recently threaten to bilk money directly from clients, if company did not meet his bonus expectations

3- Accidentally revealed his billing practice approach, knowing that charges were inflated

4- constantly embellishes upon the level of his experience and accomplishments, despite documented personnel file knowledge to the contrary.

Argues that he should be the highest paid employee within his department, despite lowest production.

What I learned is that I am now focusing more on the motivations behind demonstrated behavior traits, which should help me when constructing character depth/dimension

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph puts essence to work

Scene 1

LOCATION- farm

LOGLINE: two brothers discuss plans for getting their chores done and carrying out the fun activities they really want to do, without their stern father’s knowledge

ESSENCE: Younger brother foretells the future by promising not to reveal what he knows about his own and his older brother’s activities, even when the results are tragic.

NEW LOGLINE: A brother fails to inform his stern father of the secret, risky activity of his older brother, before the older brother is killed during his secret escapade.

Scene 2

LOCATION- Function hall

LOGLINE: A celebration of his career accomplishments for the now middle-aged younger brother, is interrupted when he’s confronted by his ever stern Father, who’s still angry about the circumstances of his other son’s death years earlier.

ESSENCE: Older brother was the favorite son, and younger brother was the Black Sheep who survived, and harbors a secret from that day.

NEW LOGLINE: A middle-aged man reveals to his still angry, stern Father that he knew where his older brother, and idol, was going on the day he died when they were kids, but failed to tell him until now.

Scene 3

LOCATION- Restaurant

LOGLINE: a woman tells her husband that she’s leaving him after a long marriage.

ESSENCE: She’s put up with being in his success shadow, verbal abuse, and neglect.

NEW LOGLINE: Woman accepts can’t accept being invisible in her marriage, and the final straw is when she discovers her husband has another family.

Scene 4

LOCATION- Restaurant

LOGLINE: Women of a double-date foursome discover that their dates big business cover is fake.

ESSENCE: One of the boys has a hidden talent that is revealed, which is more impressive than the cover job.

NEW LOGLINE: A girl discovers that her presumed big business partner on a blind double-date is really a manure delivery boy, who is actually trying to overcome a family tragedy enroute to becoming a famous Country Music star.

What I learned: Every scene must reflect the story concept or character in a meaningful way and possess deep meaning for both, while also able to exist alone on its own merit.

[Joseph Rondina]

The script I chose: ORDINARY PEOPLE

Location 1

School corridor

Logline: Struggling with mental issues, Conrad finally calls his Psychiatrist in a cry for help.

Essence: Conrad puts up a façade, but realizes he’s in trouble with his current life.

Location 2

Restaurant

Logline: Conrad tries to be open and honest with an old friend, Karen, from the mental hospital, but she’s obviously in denial about how’s she’s coping in the outside world.

Conrad is genuinely trying to get in touch with his feelings, but Karen denies her own and attempts to get him to do the same and move on.

Location 3

Livingroom

Logline: At a family gathering, Conrad is forced to sit next to his mother for a “loving” photo op, though he knows she despises him.

Essence: Conrad desperately wants to shout to the world that he knows his Mother hates him and blames him for the death of his brother.

Location 4

Livingroom, setting up the Christmas tree

Logline: Beth confronts Conrad with her hurt feelings over finding out he quit the swim team

Essence: Conrad knows it’s just another way for her to attack him and demonstrate how much she hates him for being the one who survived, instead of her favorite son.

Location 5

Dining Room

Logline: Calvin finally breaks down, realizes he can’t stay with his wife Beth any longer

Essence: Beth has lost the ability to love, essentially losing her soul, over the death of her eldest son.

THE SCENE I CHOSE

Location 5

Dining Room

Logline: Calvin finally breaks down, realizes he can’t stay with his wife Beth any longer

Essence: Beth has lost the ability to love, essentially losing her soul, over the death of her eldest son.

Beth enters the dining room in the dark.

BETH

Calvin?

Calvin is sitting at table in the dark, sobbing, his head

in

his hands.

:

BETH (cont’d)

Why are you crying?

Calvin doesn’t answer.

BETH (cont’d)

Can I, uh… Can I get you

something?

:

Calvin mutters in a very low voice.

:

CALVIN

INT. DINING ROOM ­ NIGHT

I don’t…

BETH

What did you say?

Calvin sits back in his chair.

BETH (cont’d)

Calvin. What did you say?

Calvin produces a very deep sigh.

BETH (cont’d)

Tell me.

Calvin looks up at her with a sad expression.

CALVIN

You are beautiful. And you are

unpredictable. But you’re so

cautious. You’re determined, Beth.

But you know something? You’re not

strong. And I don’t know if you’re

really giving. Beth is looking at

him not knowing what this is about.

:

CALVIN (cont’d)

Tell me something. Do you love me?

Do you really love me?

:

BETH

I feel the way I’ve always felt

about you.

:

Calvin is disappointed by the answer, but not surprised,

just

sad.

:

CALVIN

We would’ve been all right, if

there hadn’t been any …mess.

But you can’t handle mess.

You need everything neat and

…easy.

I don’t know. Maybe you can’t

love anybody. It was so much

Buck. And Buck died, it was as if

you buried all your love with

him, and I don’t understand that.

I just don’t know.

:

Calvin sighs.

:

CALVIN (cont’d)

Maybe it wasn’t even Buck.

Maybe it was just you.

Maybe, finally, it was the best

of you that you buried.

CALVIN (cont’d)

But whatever it was, I don’t know

who you are.

I don’t know what we’ve been

playing at.

So I was crying.

Calvin is overcome by sadness

CALVIN (cont’d)

I don’t know if I love you anymore. And

I don’t know what I am going to do

without that.

Beth does not know what to say or do. She turns away and

Goes upstairs.

This scene shows what happens to real people under real life circumstances and how some handle problems well and recover, and some don’t

It demonstrates what holds people together throughout daily life, and how fragile that is.

It also demonstrates how significant the ability to love is, and why we must exhibit the qualities of the human soul in order to have something of value to offer others.

What I learned: A valuable lesson as to how one must focus on essence of story and character when constructing each scene

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph Rondina

I agree to the terms of this release form

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joseph Rondina]

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT

Covers subtext:

HARLAN RAY

Want “Boss Man”? Learn the business

the way I did. Turns out it’s not

“your potential”, then do whatever.

FARON

Make music.

HARLAN RAY

Amount to nothing with that. Been

there, I know. Nobody’s happy with

who they become on that journey.

FARON

Maybe you just quit on yourself. So

you quit on my chances too. But

give me a year, I’ll make it.

CHANGED TO:

HARLAN RAY

Want “Boss Man”? Learn the business

the way I did. Turns out it’s not

“your potential”, then do whatever.

FARON

Make music.

HARLAN RAY

Amount to nothing with that.

Nobody’s happy with who they become

on that journey, so they give up.

FARON

Maybe your “no quit” policy only

arrived after I was born. But give

me a year, I’ll make it.

Points to subtext

SLIM TIRED

I see. Big Boys looking for a heartthrob.

He ain’t even growed.

(to Faron)

Wouldn’t get too excited about your

turn, Sonny. Better go on home.

FARON

Not hardly an option.

SLIM TIRED

Don’t make me hurt you, boy. I’m

way past desperation.

FARON

You and me both, friend, but I’m

the one’s going through that stage

door. Not back to permanent stink.

CHANGED TO

SLIM TIRED

I see. Big Boys looking for a heartthrob.

He ain’t even growed.

(to Faron)

Wouldn’t too excited about your

turn, Sonny. Better go on home.

FARON

Not hardly an option.

SLIM TIRED

Don’t make me hurt you, boy. I’m

way past desperation.

FARON

Did’t see your name on my

copyright. So, looks like I’m the

one’s going through that stage

door. Not back to permanent stink.

What I learned: How this technique instantly improves

dialogue and story line references/subtext! A great tool!

[Joseph Rondina]

Mastering Subtext – Lesson 5

VERSION 1

Surface: Faron runs a reputable, and financially successful business, even though it’s only a stepping stone to what he really wants in life.

Subtext: Faron hates his current demeaning life, but stays focused, usually, on the business success (this will be his future trait as well). But always gives a positive response in the face of misery. His actions, however, display his real contempt.

EXT. FARM – DRIVE-WAY – DAY

Eye shiner still prominent, Faron and teen cowboy partner,

VERNON, step from a weathered, manure-filled pick-up truck.

FARON

This stop always reminds me how

much I hate my life.

Vernon ogles busty, PUSH-UP, as she waves from the porch

while husband, FARMER, drives toward them in a Cadillac.

VERNON

(to Faron, about Push-Up)

Lord, how’d you concentrate on

picking chords, looking at those?

FARMER

(after arriving at truck)

Don’t know how you stand working

around excrement all day. Got to

hand it to you though, never seen

you fall out on a dump.

FARON

What keeps them growing. Kind of

proud, delivering nature’s fuel.

FARMER

Thought you might do something more

sensible. Always seemed like a

sharp and talented kid.

(after cash payment offer)

Maybe there’s still hope, before

your mind’s completely gone from

inhaling these fumes.

(after another shot)

Already stunted your growth.

Faron’s in pounce mode, as Farmer slow-rolls away, but Vernon

intercepts.

VERNON

Can’t play the dance from jail.

(about the cash)

Got what we wanted. Damn, you plan

to fight everyone you meet?

Farmer hits brakes to look back, then-

FARMER

Drop some in the big field, back

behind the house.

FARON

(more in control)

Big field, yes Sir.

After Farmer rolls away onto the main road, Faron hops into

truck, reverses, and purposely dumps entire load in the front

field, some of it spilling into a shallow pond.

VERSION 2

SURFACE: Faron declares his gamesmanship talents during an affair, announcing how his partner was just another “notch”.

Subtext: Known as a womanizer, Faron has always truly loved this one woman, even though he married another. But he can’t let her know, in the end.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NEXT MORNING

Faron and Patsy share a Plaza Hotel, room service breakfast.

FARON

Looks like we might be seeing even

more of each other from here on.

PATSY

Oh?

FARON

Your manager and me are going into

business. Oil wells. They’ll spurt

all over themselves making us rich.

PATSY

I’d like a piece of that action.

FARON

I’m due home for a few days.

(as if wanting it more

than anything in life)

After that, come out to California

with me, and you will, my dear.

PATSY

Afraid I still can’t do that.

FARON

(up quickly)

Perfect. We just rehearsed my act

for the next fling. Think this was

my best performance, though. No

hard feelings. Your settlement’s

already on its way.

PATSY

Shit kicker. I should have known.

FARON

You and I way too much alike,

anyhow, not to wind up blowing our

brains out.

After she storms out, Faron makes a call.

FARON (CONT’D)

(into phone)

Make out a check for Cline.

Clutches the bathrobe she’s left behind.

FARON (CONT’D)

A nice closing amount, please.

[Joseph Rondina]

SITUATION SUBTEXT: Army Private, Faron, attempts another one-night-stand pick-up, this time while on base restriction for a violation

SURFACE: He’s trying to impress with his new stature as a rising Country Music Star. She’s playing coy, wise beyond her years, to his act.

BENEATH THE SURFACE: She’ a “risk” to him and his usual love-them-and-leave-them approach. He hints at his suicidal tendencies, which preclude a future commitment.

Misinterpretation: She takes control, he believes, due to her wisdom, and agrees to move slower. Some of her suggestion is practical, as she’s underage.

Superior Position: We know that Faron is the Star. We also know about his psychiatric problems.

Deception: Faron doesn’t directly tell her who he is, initially, but it backfires when she pretends, early on, not to know it’s him.

Unaware: Hilda doesn’t know about his suicidal behaviors. Faron (and also Audience) doesn’t know that she is the Colonel’s daughter.

Can’t say: Hilda won’t reveal her age or her relationship to the Colonel, as she doesn’t want to sabotage the date.

EXT. ARMY BASE – POOL PATIO – DAY

FARON

Ever meet a Country Music Star?

HILDA

(in slight German accent,

plays along)

Why, somebody coming for a show?

FARON

I have it on good authority they’ll

dazzle you like no other.

HILDA

You their spokesperson?

FARON

Could say.

HILDA

So, they send passive out first,

then come on with the flash?

FARON

Not usually thought of as passive.

HILDA

You, or the Star?

FARON

Might have to do some calf-roping

to reel you in, I see.

HILDA

Sing that aggressive too?

FARON

If you want the rocket ride of your

life.

HILDA

That’s your offer?

FARON

Long-term’s not my strength.

HILDA

Maybe a bike ride around the

compound first. Better way to

achieve endurance.

FARON

More risk than I’m used to. But,

just don’t tell the Colonel. I’m

supposed to be on restriction until

the show.

HILDA

No way he hears it from me.

What I learned: This is a much better scene after the re-write, which now reveals more of the over-all subtext of character and story. Also, the scene is more entertaining, now that she participates more in the give-and-take of the moment, as opposed to Faron’s usual take charge command of most scenes.

[Joseph Rondina]

Character Subtext

Character 1

Surface: Protagonist is a confident, gregarious entertainer who’s quite talented, but risks losing it all by living to the extreme in terms of his behavior.

Subtext: success is not warranted, as his brother should have lived to achieve heights.

Subtext: feels abandoned by his idol and mentor brother, who never came home like he promised, therefore seeks female relationships outside of marriage.

Subtext: deep-seated anger, denies existence of his brother when asked about his family.

Character 2

Surface: Protagonist’s Spouse dutifully follows him through ups and downs, despite being neglected.

Subtext: Covers knowledge of his fathering a child with someone else, during their marriage.

Subtext: In their marriage, Protagonist has been substituted for her abusive father, who was also a career military man and alcoholic.

Character 3

Surface: New Mentor in the business, who tries to keep Protagonist on the straight and narrow, through the acceptance of God and the things he can’t control.

Subtext: Mentor not who he seems to be (imposter)

Subtext: Mentor Hides his true motivation for wanting to help Protagonist (can’t say)

What I learned is: how fun it is to play with character subtext, which helps deliver more meaning to the story line and helps to flesh out their own profile.

[Joseph Rondina]

Subtext environments

Protagonist is haunted by the death of his older brother idol, who fell from a moving car. He’s guilt ridden over being the one to go on living, given that he’s considered the black sheep of the family. He now believes that life is only chaos, and that he will make, and live by, his own rules, while rubbing his control in the face of the in-effectual establishment.

Environment 1- Every time the Protagonist gets behind the wheel of a vehicle, he is bent on self-destruction:

Uses his after-school job dump truck to destroy a client’s farm.

Bangs up the military base with his expensive Cadillac, frightening his girlfriend with his recklessness.

Uses a wrecker truck to smash up his double-crossing partner’s expensive car.

Drives on the wrong side of the road, when drunk.

Environment 2- Protagonist needs to show everyone that he makes his own rules, and that he won’t succumb to theirs, like his brother did.

Protagonist derides a commanding officer and his authority, when only a lowly private, as he knows he happens to have the upper hand because of his special talent.

Protagonist makes multiple court appearances for traffic and weapons violations, taunting judges to try their best to punish him where it hurts.

What I like is: Love this thought process, which uses an environment to display a character’s, or a story’s, deeper meaning. This will constantly remind the audience of the struggles/challenges underlying the surface elements.

[Joseph Rondina]

Joseph Rondina

SURFACE: A teen singer from the 1950s deep South hopes to become the next Frank Sinatra.

PLOT SUBTEXT: Teen singer is the black sheep of his farming family, who is further scorned after the death of his favorite-son, older brother idol, and since then has secretly harbored a belief that he is unworthy of success, resulting in self-destructive behavior.

1) Singer constantly fights any and all comers during high school, despite being overmatched in size.

2) Singer joins the high school football team, like his athletic idol, older brother did, despite being small stature himself, and winds up taking a pounding.

3) Singer joins the military, hoping to fight in the Korean War, before being selected as the Army’s entertainment star.

4) Singer begins to drink heavily.

5) Singer battles with music industry members, alienates most men and women he meets and works with, despite becoming the Fans number one recording star.

6) Singer attempts suicide, but covers his intent each time he fails.

What I learned: How to point to deeper meaning in virtually every scene, which hints/explains the subtext of the character’s story plot.