[Joy Smith]

Hi everyone!

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, and/or if folks are already paired up for feedback, as that came under lesson 12 and there’s no thread for that.

I’ve got a Christmas romcom outline that definitely needs some feedback. It’s the first time I’ve outlined in this way, and I know it need a LOT more scenes.

If anyone wants to exchange, let me know!

Thanks
Joy

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Great Outline – Part 1

• Concept: When Santa’s daughter is accidentally stuck on a magical island, she is forced to choose a husband before her father’s powers vanish, threatening Christmas for everyone.
• Main Conflict: Sandra choosing a husband – it shows up as conflict with her father, between her and the two suitors and only between the two suitors.

First part of my outline is finally completed!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is… knowing about budget is great! While I haven’t written the script yet, and there’s a few things I’m not sure of, I can come back and work through the list again to see if I’ve written in any big expenditure, and decide whether or not I want to keep it or if there’s a different way I could tell the story.

Because the movie is contained, a lot of what I’m thinking of writing will be budget friendly anyway, but there is potential to increase the budget and make the movie (and the story!) bigger if I need to. Reducing it doesn’t need to make the movie smaller. E.g. instead of showing the office party, I’ll have Santa and Sandra standing outside a doorway with party noise coming from inside. There’s ways to be budget friendly, I’ll just need to be creative!

1. Run through this list and tell us how many ways you might be able decrease the budget for your project if that was required.

MAIN VARIABLES
• Number of Locations – 1, maybe 2, if I do some scenes at the North Pole
• Expensive locations – 1, which is the tropical island. To reduce budget, I’d make this a hotel somewhere, or even keep it at the North pole.
• Number of characters – 6 – I could cut the elf
• Special effects – none, although if I was quadrupling the budget, I’d have loads of magical effects
• Number of pages – not sure yet!
• Crowd scenes 0, but could put in a few at the office party if I was quadrupling the budget. Could also have some scenes back at the North Pole of people arriving back, realizing Santa and Sandra weren’t there.
• Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes – 0
• Special sets – 0, but when quadrupling the budget, would need one for the North Pole.

SECONDARY VARIABLES
• Rights to music, brands, books, etc. – 0
• Explosions and Firearms – 0
• Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set – 0, but if quadrupling, I would show kids being excited about Christmas as a way of upping the tension with the ticking clock on Christmas Eve.
• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society – 0 at the moment, maybe reindeer in the final scene? Again, if quadrupling, I’d show the reindeer at the North Pole also being taken ill/acting strangely as Santa’s powers diminish.
• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados. – 0 at the moment, but could easily have lots of snow at the North Pole and rain at the Island.
• Water and underwater scenes – I’m going to say 0, but they are on a beach island, so I’m not sure if that counts. At the moment, I’m not planning on them being anywhere near the water.
• Night scenes – 0 external, otherwise it’s just the inside of the party, so I don’t think that counts.
• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots – 0 – again, could add these in if the budget increased to show off the island.
• Green screen work – depends on how it was all shot. I’m assuming it would be shot on a location, but it could just as easily be done on green screen.
• Extensive Make-up – 1 elf, but even that is optional.
• Archival Footage – N/A. Can’t think of any version where I need that.
• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance. – I don’t think I’ll have any of these either.

2. Then go through the list and tell us what you might add if your budget was quadrupled.
(See comments above.)

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith Writes Great Hope/Fear!

What I learned doing this assignment is… Even though I’m writing a Christmas romcom, the hope\fear strategy still works really well. You wouldn’t think it at first glance, but it also helps clarify the conflict and escalate the tension in the story – which should keep the audience interested. Anything that does that is a good tool for me to learn!

1. Pull out the 4-Act structure of your story.
2. Using the list of Infinite Possibilities above, brainstorm 5 or more Hope/Fear moments that can occur in each Act.
3. Sequence those Hope/Fear moments to fit the emotional journey you want your audience to have.

Concept: When Santa’s daughter is accidentally stuck on a magical island, she is forced to choose a husband before her father’s powers vanish, threatening Christmas for everyone.

Main Conflict: Sandra choosing a husband – it shows up as conflict with her father, between her and the two suitors and only between the two suitors.

Act 1:
• Opening: Santa on the beach with his daughter, having an office party before the biggest day of the year: delivery day.
HOPE: Santa having fun at the beach with his family and with his workers.
FEAR: Santa brings out the truth telling wine.

• Inciting Incident: Santa tells his daughter he wants to retire and she must choose a husband because being Santa is a big job.
HOPE: Santa tells Sandra he wants to retire and will pass the reins on to her.
FEAR: Santa tells Sandra she must choose a husband, it’s too big a job to do alone.

UNSURE WHO THE REAL THREAT IS: Sandra doesn’t like anyone and doesn’t think Santa will follow through. She doesn’t know who likes her. She says she knows her Dad wanted a boy. She goes to bed.

DANGER: Santa accidentally casts a spell when Sandra doesn’t get up for breakfast.

• Turning Point: Sandra realizes she is trapped on the island – she thinks alone!
LEFT ALONE: Sandra thinks she is alone on the island.
HOPE: She’s happy with this, as she doesn’t want to face choosing a husband. Thinks she can punish her Dad by going missing.

Act 2:
• New plan: While she is enjoying sulking, she finds out that two of her suitors are also trapped with her.
TRAPPED: She finds Jasper and Magnus on the island.

• Plan in action: They try to woo her and get her to make a decision, respecting Santa’s wishes, but she is resistant.
FORCED TO DEAL WITH EACH OTHER: After trying to stay on her own, she realizes she needs the company, so has to deal with Jasper and Magnus.
WORST THING/HER FEAR: They both say they’re into her and would happily marry her.

• Midpoint Turning Point: They find out that Santa’s powers are diminishing the longer they are on the island.
THREAT: Jasper figures out the reason they’re trapped on the island, and that Santa is in danger of his magic draining away.

Act 3:
• Rethink everything: Sandra realises she must make a decision to save Christmas for everyone.
HELPLESS: Sandra tries to figure out how she can get back home and save her Dad. Jasper says the only way to break it is for her to marry.
IMPENDING DOOM: Christmas might not happen this year, or ever again.
TICKING CLOCK: She must marry by midnight on the 23rd so that delivery day can happen on time.

• New plan: She uncovers the elf that has been helping Magnus, and realizes that he and the elf are in love. They leave the island via the Bermuda triangle.
HIDING OUT: They discover the elf and Magnus’ true motive – he doesn’t really love Sandra.
HOPE: Magnus not loving her is a relief, but she still has to marry someone and there aren’t many options.

• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Santa is still on the island, in a weakened state, they need to resolve it to save Christmas.
DEATH: They find Santa, not dead, but in a bad state – he’s been on the island all this time with no one to look after him.

Act 4:
• Final plan: Sandra must marry Jasper to save Santa.
CHARACTER FEAR: That it won’t work out, and that it won’t save Santa.

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Sandra marries Jasper, fulfilling her Father’s wishes and releasing the magic.
HOPE: That they will make a great team together.
HOPE: That Christmas will be saved.
CHARACTER FEAR: That she won’t be good enough to make the deliveries.
HOPE: She has Jasper now and Santa says he believes in her. He wanted a boy because he finds them easier to deal with, but he loves his challenging, bright, wonderful daughter.

• Resolution: They start deliveries as Mr & Mrs Claus
HOPE: Christmas is saved!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s 4 Act Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is… The same thing I always learn when I look at structure – it is my friend! The framework leaves me with plenty of room to still be creative, even with the timelines if I wish, but it helps me to tell the story clearly, in a way that makes sense to the audience and builds excitement and entertainment.

My current structure isn’t perfect and needs strengthening, but I can do that. Forward!

Create a first draft of your 4 Act Structure.

1. Tell us the following:
• Concept: When Santa’s daughter is accidentally stuck on a magical island, she is forced to choose a husband before her father’s powers vanish, threatening Christmas for everyone.
• Main Conflict: Sandra choosing a husband – it shows up as conflict with her father, between her and the two suitors and only between the two suitors.

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
Act 1:
• Opening: Santa on the beach with his daughter, having an office party before the biggest day of the year: delivery day.
• Inciting Incident: Santa tells his daughter he wants to retire and she must choose a husband because being Santa is a big job.
• Turning Point: Sandra realizes she is trapped on the island – she thinks alone!
Act 2:
• New plan: While she is enjoying sulking, she finds out that two of her suitors are also trapped with her.
• Plan in action: They try to woo her and get her to make a decision, respecting Santa’s wishes, but she is resistant.
• Midpoint Turning Point: They find out that Santa’s powers are diminishing the longer they are on the island.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything: Sandra realises she must make a decision to save Christmas for everyone.
• New plan: She uncovers the elf that has been helping Magnus, and realizes that he and the elf are in love. They leave the island via the Bermuda triangle.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Santa is still on the island, in a weakened state, they need to resolve it to save Christmas.
Act 4:
• Final plan: Sandra must marry Jasper to save Santa.
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Sandra marries Jasper, fulfilling her Father’s wishes and releasing the magic.
• Resolution: They start deliveries as Mr & Mrs Claus

3. Once you have created the 4-Act Structure for your Protagonist, go back over it to see if there is any big picture points you need to add to represent your Antagonist. – Done! (Santa is the antagonist.)

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Delivering Multiple Layers!

What I learned doing this assignment is… layers are great for keeping the audience engaged, as long as they’re unique and not completely predictable. I didn’t come up with all the answers, but I am at least now thinking about how I can add some layers into my story to make it more unique.

1. Brainstorm potential plot layers.
• Major scheme revealed
• Mystery revealed
o An external force or magical entity (perhaps connected to the Bermuda Triangle) threatens Santa’s magic, causing Sandra to realize that the future of Christmas is at stake, not just her marriage.
• Thought it was one thing, but it is another
• Major shift in Meaning
• Hidden history
• Hidden plan
o The surface story is about Sandra choosing between two potential husbands, but beneath that, it’s really about her learning to embrace her independence and that she doesn’t have to marry right away to secure the future of Christmas.
o Magnus’s plan with the Elf to usurp Santa no matter what.

2. Brainstorm potential character layers.
• Secret identity:
o Santa appears eager to retire, but deep down, he’s nostalgic and conflicted about letting go of the Christmas magic he’s embodied for centuries.
o Sandra plays it cool in her romantic decisions, but deep down, she still harbors unresolved feelings for her ex, which makes her hesitant to commit to anyone new.
o Jasper seems serious and a bit reserved, but beneath that, he’s an amazing singer who could become the new voice of Christmas carols—something Sandra finds out when she catches him singing alone.
• Intrigue layers
o Before she is trapped, Sandra is actually considering running away entirely to live her own life. Forced to choose between the two men, she helps Magnus realise he loves the Elf, and allows them to escape together.
o At first, the plot seems to paint Magnus as an antagonist, but beneath that, it’s a redemption story where he learns that Christmas isn’t about fame or recognition—it’s about selflessness.
• Hidden relationships and conspiracies
o On the surface, this is a romantic holiday trip, but once the jinx/magic is in action, Santa’s magic is fading, and unless Sandra makes a choice by Christmas Eve, all holiday magic might disappear for good. When she does, the magic transfers to her.
o The elves seem like cheerful bystanders, but they’re secretly scheming to help Jasper win Sandra’s heart because they believe he’s the one who’ll treat them the best.
o Magnus realises he loves the Elf he’s been work secretly plotting with, and Magnus and the Elf leave the magical island and go rogue.
• Hidden Character history
o It seems like the story is about Sandra’s dilemma between Jasper and Magnus, but the underlying layer is her unresolved feelings for her ex, which she has to confront before truly moving forward with either of them. Even though her ex was mortal and is probably long dead.
o Sandra doesn't just want to escape marriage, she secretly longs for a life outside the North Pole but feels trapped by family duty.
o Sandra had a relationship with another woman, but she's never told her father, Santa, because she's afraid of disappointing him further (because she knows Santa really wanted a boy).
o

3. Brainstorm potential location layers.
• Hidden operation
o Hidden Power Source: The island has a hidden cave filled with magical crystals that emit a faint glow, appearing like a natural phenomenon.
o Beneath That: These crystals are connected to Santa’s power and longevity, and they weaken the longer Sandra delays in accepting her role, adding tension to the story.
o
• Deeper meaning
o It looks like a tropical island, but Santa’s been growing a secret Christmas-themed vineyard here for decades, with magical wine that makes anyone who drinks it reveal their true feelings. Makes for a fun office party, and then they can’t lie to each other when they’re trapped.
• Trap to draw prey
• Unique sub-world
o The Bermuda Triangle island appears like a tropical paradise, but it’s actually a magical nexus that warps time and space, causing strange occurrences.
o The island’s magical energy blocks all communication with the North Pole, forcing Sandra, Jasper, and Magnus to solve problems without help.
o There’s a hidden portal back to the North Pole on the island, but it only appears once a day at sunset – this is accidentally shut down by Santa’s magic, leaving the 4 of them stuck on the island.

4. Tell us about the layers you’ve chosen. Use this format with each of them:
• Surface Layer:
• Beneath That:
• How Revealed:

Plot Layers
1. Major Scheme Revealed
o Surface Layer: Santa wants Sandra to choose between two suitors so he can retire.
o Beneath That: Unknown to Santa, his words to Sandra awaken a spell/magic (connected to the Bermuda Triangle) which threatens Santa’s magic, and Sandra's choice will determine if Christmas survives.
o How Revealed: When strange magical disruptions begin affecting the island (like the portal closing and not reopening), Santa figures out what’s happening, but can’t tell Sandra because of its effects, so she also has to figure it out with the help of Jasper and Magnus.
2. Mystery Revealed
o Surface Layer: The island is a fun tropical getaway where the North Pole crew parties every year.
o Beneath That: An external magical force from the Bermuda Triangle has disrupted the magic of Christmas, threatening to drain Santa’s power and magic permanently.
o How Revealed: The island’s strange phenomena grow worse, and Sandra discovers a hidden cave with magical crystals that seem to be draining energy from Santa himself. This is reversed once she makes her decision, and Santa’s magic passes to her.
3. Thought It Was One Thing, But It’s Another
o Surface Layer: Sandra believes the trip is just an office party.
o Beneath That: It’s really about matchmaking her with a husband, so that she can embrace her potential and become the new Santa Claus.
o How Revealed: After a few drinks of truth-telling wine, Sandra speaks to her Dad, who lets slip he wants her to marry. His exact words trap them on the island.
4. Major Shift in Meaning
o Surface Layer: Magnus competes with Jasper for Sandra’s affection.
o Beneath That: Magnus is plotting to take over Santa’s position regardless of Sandra’s choice, scheming with an Elf to usurp him.
o How Revealed: Sandra overhears Magnus and the Elf secretly discussing their plan when she gets lost exploring the island.
5. Hidden History
o Surface Layer: It’s a simple romantic getaway with suitors vying for Sandra’s hand.
o Beneath That: Sandra is haunted by her unresolved feelings for a past relationship with a mortal, now long dead, and it’s influencing her decision-making.
o How Revealed: Sandra shares her past heartbreak with Jasper during an emotional moment, and they bond over their own vulnerabilities.
________________________________________
Character Layers
1. Secret Identity (Santa)
o Surface Layer: Santa seems excited to retire.
o Beneath That: He’s actually nostalgic and terrified of letting go of his role, feeling conflicted about giving up the magic of Christmas.
o How Revealed: Santa expresses his concerns during a quiet moment, admitting to Sandra that he’s not sure what he’ll do without being Santa, despite his cheerful facade.
2. Secret Identity (Sandra)
o Surface Layer: Sandra is playing it cool, being a rebel but humouring her Dad by pretending she’s open to the idea of marriage.
o Beneath That: She’s still struggling with her feelings for her ex, a relationship that was never fully resolved.
o How Revealed: She stumbles upon an old Christmas ornament tied to her past relationship, which sparks a conversation with Jasper about her reluctance to move forward.
3. Intrigue (Sandra’s Escape Plan)
o Surface Layer: Sandra is considering marriage because it seems to be what everyone expects.
o Beneath That: She was actually thinking of running away before she got trapped on the island.
o How Revealed: Sandra reveals her plans to Magnus in a moment of frustration, hinting that she feels overwhelmed by expectations.
4. Intrigue (Magnus’ Redemption)
o Surface Layer: Magnus appears as the antagonist, self-absorbed and only interested in becoming Santa’s successor.
o Beneath That: He learns to be selfless, helping the group when it matters most, surprising everyone.
o How Revealed: Magnus sacrifices his own chance at glory to ensure that Sandra makes the right chose and marries Jasper, proving that he’s changed.
5. Hidden Relationship (Magnus and Elf)
o Surface Layer: Magnus is plotting with an Elf to gain the Santa position.
o Beneath That: Magnus realizes he has feelings for the Elf and they’ve been working together out of mutual affection.
o How Revealed: During a climactic argument, Magnus admits his true feelings, surprising Sandra and the others as he chooses love over power.
________________________________________
Location Layers
1. Hidden Operation
o Surface Layer: The island is just a picturesque, tropical paradise.
o Beneath That: The island has a cave with glowing crystals that are linked to Santa’s magical longevity.
o How Revealed: Sandra and Jasper stumble into the cave while exploring, noticing the crystals dimming as Santa’s magic fades.
2. Deeper Meaning (Vineyard)
o Surface Layer: There’s a small vineyard where the elves and Santa relax with a bit of Christmas-themed wine.
o Beneath That: The wine has magical properties—it forces people to speak their true feelings, leading to unintended confessions.
o How Revealed: After a toast at the party, characters start blurting out secrets they’ve been keeping, sparking both comedic and romantic moments.
3. Trap to Draw Prey
o Surface Layer: The island seems perfect, but no one can seem to leave.
o Beneath That: The Bermuda Triangle’s magic has trapped them until Sandra makes a critical decision about her future.
o How Revealed: After trying multiple escape routes (boats, calling for help), the group realizes they’re being held until Sandra accepts her responsibility as future Santa.
4. Hidden Portal
o Surface Layer: They miss the magical portal back to the North Pole because of an argument.
o Beneath That: Santa accidentally shuts the portal down with his words to Sandra about choosing a husband.
o How Revealed: After a failed attempt to escape, Santa’s magic causes the portal to vanish, leaving the group stranded until Sandra chooses her new Santa Claus.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Character Journeys!

What I learned doing this assignment is… It was harder than I thought, even though I know it will be helpful when it comes to writing the script. I like to add in character arcs, and actually having more obvious signposts to their internal journey will be easier to write, more emotional, and more satisfying and believable for the audience. People don’t change at a snap of their fingers!

1. For each of your main characters, create a 3-Act Structure of their journey.

Sandra Claus
Beginning: Being dragged along on the family firm’s Christmas Party, even though she wants nothing to do with the ‘family business’.
Turning Point: Her Dad wants her to marry…
Dilemma: Isn’t totally in love with either of her options.
Midpoint: …Because her Dad is retiring and it might mean the end of Christmas!
Turning Point 2: Santa is losing his magic because of the accidental spell he put on her decision.
3rd Act Climax: She accepts the proposal.
Ending: She is the new Santa Claus, along with her husband. They high five each other as they set off for opposite hemispheres

Santa Claus
Beginning: Ready for a great office party!
Turning Point: Argument with his daughter about her future (and his retirement) and the fact she’s not a boy to carry on the Santa Claus name.
Midpoint: Figures out he’s accidentally prevented Sandra from leaving using his magic.
Turning Point 2: Finds out one of the Elves wants the job and is plotting against Sandra.
Dilemma:
3rd Act Climax: Realises he is losing his magical powers and Sandra needs to make a decision.
Ending: He is revived once Sandra says ‘yes’ to the proposal.

Jasper Merryweather (Santa’s choice for Sandra):
Beginning: A fussy, nerdy character, only taken seriously by Santa.
Turning Point: Santa tells him about his plan.
Midpoint: Gets locked in with Sandra – and Magnus.
Turning Point 2: He figures out how to get them out of the room.
Dilemma: Can him and Sandra really be happy together?
3rd Act Climax: He proposes to Sandra.
Ending: Him and Sandra high five each other before setting off on Christmas eve.

Magnus Frost (Sandra’s love interest):
Beginning: Strutting, vain, certain he will be the next Mr Claus.
Turning Point: Doing something strange, he also gets trapped in the enchanted place with Sandra and Jasper.
Midpoint: Finds out about Sandra’s previous relationship.
Turning Point 2: Sandra finds out he’s in league with the Elf and they want to take over.
Dilemma:
3rd Act Climax: He proposes to Sandra out of desperation, not love, and is rejected.
Ending: He gets the worst job on the North Pole – mucking out the reindeer shed!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Character Depth!

What I learned doing this assignment is… that these are extremely useful prompts for building characters. I definitely don’t have all the answers yet, but the characters are starting to become clearer now. I’m going to move on in order to move forward and see what happens once I’ve “asked the pillow” and slept on it.

The idea overall for the movie is being refined, so the same thing will happen for the characters.

Sandra Claus:
Internal Character Depth
• Motivation: Wants to be her own person. Needs to step up and take over the family business.
• Secret: She used to date a woman.
• Wound: She thinks her Dad would rather have had a son.
• Subtext:
• Layers: Doesn’t think she is good enough to take over.

Character to character
• Conflict: With her Dad over who she should marry, with the candidates who want to marry her
• Hidden Agenda:
• Conspiracy:
• Intrigue: Who does she really love?

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Continue to rebel or risk disappointing the family?
• Secret Identity:

Santa Claus:
Internal Character Depth
• Motivation: Find a successor so he can retire after 2000 years on the job
• Secret: He knows his daughter is capable of running the show.
• Wound: He and Mrs Claus wanted more than one child – ?
• Subtext:
• Layers:

Character to character
• Conflict: With his daughter over getting married and taking over.
• Hidden Agenda: Wants her to marry so he can retire – he’s tired and the number of children he needs to deliver to keeps growing!
• Conspiracy: Plots to get Sandra in a room with Jasper (which backfires!)
• Intrigue:

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Does he push his daughter into a marriage so he can retire?
• Secret Identity: He loves golf (a slow sport for the fastest man on the planet!)

Jasper Merryweather (Santa’s choice for Sandra):
Internal Character Depth
• Motivation: Wants to win over his love, Sandra. Needs to prove that he’s worthy of being the next “face of Santa”
• Secret: He’s loved Sandra for a long time
• Wound: Everyone dismisses him because he is fussy and pays attention to detail.
• Subtext: His own kind of rebel – he’s learnt not to care what people say about him.
• Layers:

Character to character
• Conflict: Clashes with Sandra but loves the challenge
• Hidden Agenda:
• Conspiracy:
• Intrigue:

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Can he win Sandra over?
• Secret Identity: Keeper of Sandra’s secret about her previous love.

Magnus Frost (Sandra’s love interest):
Internal Character Depth
• Motivation: Wants to be the new ‘handsome’ Santa. Needs to be loved.
• Secret: Doesn’t care about Sandra as much as he cares about the job and the adoration of pure children.
• Wound: Worries about getting older and losing his looks (and therefore the love)
• Subtext: He’s very shallow.
• Layers:

Character to character
• Conflict: Can he really marry someone just for the job?
• Hidden Agenda: Putting the job above Sandra’s happiness.
• Conspiracy: Working with an Elf to ensure he wins Sandra’s hand and getting locked in the room with Sandra.
• Intrigue:

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Jeopardise his and Sandra’s happiness for fame
• Secret Identity:

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Right Characters!

What I learned doing this assignment is… although I hadn’t really defined my concept enough to have character ideas, it wasn’t too painful to generate sketches based on what opposing forces would make for a good romcom. These also deliver on the concept of the story by them each having a unique role in delivering Christmas – so there’s also a high level of peril if they’re stuck on the island too. I might give them 2nd jobs that are Christmas Eve specific, but I can figure that out later.

NORTH POLE OFFICE PARTY

Santa’s daughter, Sandra Claus, must choose a husband at a Bermuda Triangle island party before Christmas, or risk Santa losing his powers and Christmas not going ahead.

1. With each of your main characters, how can they uniquely fit with the Hook?

The main conflict is around who will succeed Santa – this is why he’s forcing her to choose a husband.

Sandra Claus: Mr & Mrs Claus’s rebellious daughter. Designs new holiday rituals and customs to keep Santa’s role relevant in an ever-changing world. This works because she will end up being the new Santa – a woman!

Love Interest: work as one of the Santa Decoy Co-ordinators – managing the lookalike Santas around the world to maintain the myth and avoid suspicion during the holiday season. He actually ends up being the love decoy as well.

Santa’s Approved Husband: Works as a Wish Granularity Specialist, so knows that Sandra doesn’t want to marry him… until she does! He’s too into the detail, too picky, too pedantic. He works well as Sandra’s opposite all through the movie, but they discover that makes them a great team.

2. Thinking about the conflict that hook creates, how does each main character enhance or cause that conflict?

Sandra is stubborn and doesn’t want to go along with her Dad’s wishes. She has conflict with him. She’s also more of a strategic thinker, which means she is constantly in conflict with Santa’s Approved Husband.

The Love Interest manages decoy Santas, so should know all about Santa. He doesn’t even realise what will happen to Santa while they’re stuck in there, and he is himself a decoy and not the right match for Sandra. I need to think of a reason why Santa dislikes him so much though, which relates to Christmas and decoys.

Santa’s Approved Husband can’t see the big picture around why Sandra might not want him. He is full of details and information about Christmas, and too focussed on his nose to see what’s in front of his face.

3. Tell us what makes these characters the “right ones” for this story?

They’re all clueless when it comes to love, but know a lot about Christmas in their own different ways. The characters are somewhat opposite to each other, which makes them the perfect love triangle. Their grumpiness is offset by Santa’s superhuman cheerfulness.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Great Hook!

A. How did this process work for you?

I like brainstorming, and I do like brainstorming with ChatGPT. It’s not as smart as I’d sometimes like it to be (though that’s great because there’s no way it will replace me!) but it does help spark ideas, especially if I am specific enough with what I want.

For a lot of these ideas, using Hal’s prompt, there were either malfunctioning locks or bad weather – we’ve seen that SO many times before, no matter what I told it or if I changed the prompt. It has got me thinking about a what will become fairly decent idea, though.

B. What did you learn doing this assignment?

It reinforced the fact that I can use ChatGPT to overcome blocks any time I get stuck – even if the idea isn’t perfect. I’m right at the start, so I just need to keep going with the ideas and see where I get it.

A. Intriguing Contained Setting: The North Pole Office Party – held on a magical island in the Bermuda triangle
B. Unique Device: Santa can’t leave either, but doesn’t know it yet.
C. Unique Monster/Villain: Santa is the antagonist!
D. Mystery: How did they get into this situation
E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: Choose a husband and undo the magic before Santa has to leave on Christmas Eve
F. Unique layers: Sabotage by an Elf who thinks he should replace Santa, not Santa’s daughter’s husband

[Joy Smith]

I’m super late, but I, Joy Geldard-Smith, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Contained Version of “A Guide To Dating At The End Of The World”

What I learned doing this assignment is… firstly, that I should have picked a movie I’d already seen to watch! It was pretty well contained, although some of the locations definitely could have been cut. Although it was filmed empty, they didn’t need a drive in movie theatre, and they definitely didn’t need the street full of shoppers. I can see why they went for that contrast, but I would have gone for the Shaun of the Dead approach where you establish that she’s usually alone, working in the office alone, etc, and that’s why she doesn’t notice the apocalypse has happened. Also makes you more emotionally invested when she quits her job at the end.

I’ve selected my project, and actually even though ‘contained’ sounds a bit scary and limiting, the four criteria do allow for a lot of flexibility.

PART 2: Rethink a bigger movie as a Contained project.

Pick a movie that has a bigger budget and lots of locations and give us your thoughts on how they could have make it as a contained movie.

TITLE: A GUIDE TO DATING AT THE END OF THE WORLD
AS THEY DID IT:
A. Locations 14
B. People 8
C. Stunts 0
D. Extras Street full outside shops
E. Wardrobe Nothing special other than a wedding dress
F. Miscellaneous Graphics showing Hadron collider, Empty streets of Brisbane, lots of driving around

CONTAINED VERSION:
A. Locations 5
B. People 5
C. Stunts 0
D. Extras I’d use these in the restaurant instead of a street full.
E. Wardrobe Not sure they need the wedding dress, but it was a romcom, so I guess it could be kept.
F. Miscellaneous Probably still need the graphics. I’d replace the driving around with sitting in the empty restaurant, as it achieved the same thing. Not sure they needed the empty streets of Brisbane, it worked, but could have just as easily been done with the office and restaurant being empty.

[Joy Smith]

1. Name – Joy Geldard-Smith (IRL I'm just plain ol' Joy Smith – Geldard was my maiden name)
2. How many scripts you’ve written? – That I'd own up to? 5 and a TV Pilot.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? – My best movie ever, that gets me repped or produced, so I can move forward as a professional writer.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? – Wow, that's a lot to live up to! You're all amazing.

I did the ProSeries in 2014/2015, and got head-hunted for a corporate job that completely took over my life, but enabled me to pay off my mortgage. Yay! I took voluntary redundancy in late 2020 and have since run a handmade jewellers and a handmade soap brand. An arthritis diagnosis ended both of those, so now I'm focused on what has been my dream the entire time: becoming a professional writer.

Looking forward to writing incredible movies with you all!

[Joy Smith]

Hi everyone!

I’m Joy Geldard-Smith, and I agree to the terms of this release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Romance Emotions Part 2

What I learned doing this assignment is… I’d missed some of the major emotions out of my outline before, and not categorised some of them effectively. They’ll work much better with a few more negative emotions thrown in.

1. Look through your outline and find places you can build these emotions in scenes:
Betrayal
Anger
Passion
Obsession
Love

2. For each emotion, tell us what the scene is about and how you build the emotion into it.

Act 1:

Opening: Introduces Stella’s mission (via the inside of the ice cream stand) and Crispin as a reporter.

Emotion: both yearning for something more, even if they don’t quite realize it.

Her initial state: A lone US Marshall, focussed only on her career and catching the bad guys.
His initial state: Also very focussed on work. Struggling to look after his niece.

Emotion: both yearning for something more, even if they don’t know it.

Meet-Cute: They meet when Stella is just getting set up with her surveillance van. Crispin’s niece drops an ice cream she bought and is distraught. Stella gives her another one. They both see each other as being caring and good with children.

Emotion: attracted to each other, both by their caring nature (which makes sense as they’re both in somewhat serious, emotionally cold jobs)

Her Meet-Cute moment: Takes pity on what she assumes is a Dad out of his depth, and gives a small child an ice cream to stop them from crying. It’s part of her cover, and it’s Christmas, after all. Stella has been watching the same Santa as the kid.
His Meet-Cute moment: Can’t calm down his niece after she drops her ice cream, distracted by Santa, and is rescued by Stella, who gives her a new one.

Emotion: attracted to each other, both by their caring nature (which makes sense as they’re both in somewhat serious, emotionally cold jobs)

Inciting Incident: Her ice cream truck breaks down in front of his car. He reluctantly helps her and they discover they’re going to the same place (he is tailed by the ice cream truck!) as he received a tip about a robbery due to take place.

Emotion: Passion – their passion for their respective jobs shows up as them being frustrated with anything that stands in the way of that, even if it is a person they’d initially been attracted to.
Doubt – about the initial attraction.

Attraction/Flirting: After they both head to the same crime scene, they pretend that they’re together, shopping for their child to get access to the store?

Emotion: desire – they’re imagining themselves together, even though only at a very surface level. They both know that they actually want what they’re just playing.

Her initial challenges: Keeping her undercover identity secret – taking work too seriously and lying to Crispin despite feeling attracted to him. Law enforcement don’t trust the press.
His initial challenges: He feels that there’s something not right with Stella. When he’s late to a scoop because her ice cream truck broke down and parked him in, he dislikes her.

Emotion: Doubt, in a big way! They’re both worried about the lies that Stella has had to tell due to his job.

Turning Point: After more coincidental meetings, he confronts her in her ice cream truck and says she’s no ice cream seller. She says she is, but has to tell her team he’s on to her.

Emotion: more doubt – this is a big thing that’s keeping them apart. Trust has been lost.
Obsession – well, the start of it. It’s key to his relationship with her – he doesn’t trust any law enforcement and thinks she’s lying to him, so he can’t trust her either.

Act 2:
New plan: stay out of each other’s way
Denial: They clash over intelligence and crime scenes and keep arriving at the same place. “Not you again”.

Emotion: Attraction in denial, expressed as anger.

Her Major conflict / Obstacle: She’s trying to bust a major crime ring and this local reporter keeps showing up.
His Major conflict / Obstacle: He’s trying to get the scoop of his career, and this ice cream seller keeps showing up at all the crime scenes.

Emotion: Growing obsession – they are doing a terrible job of avoiding each other and a terrible job of expressing their attraction.

Plan in action: See each other everywhere they go – wholesalers, crime scenes, everything.

Emotion: Desire – and maybe a little jealousy if they see each other with different people. This can be an opportunity for comedy and to misinterpret things.

Midpoint Turning Point: Crispin makes a bust – it’s Stella! She confesses she is an undercover Marshall and shares her info with him. She says that just because she’s undercover it doesn’t mean that everything she is is a lie, and almost kisses him.
Separation/Forced Together: as above.

Emotion: Betrayal and yearning – they both realize that they need to be honest with each other because they’re getting in each other’s way too much. They can’t lie anymore because their desire is too great, even though telling the truth means admitting a betrayal.

Act 3:
Rethink everything – they reluctantly work together to try and find the right Santa (the criminal). Stella is unconvinced of his non-law enforcement investigative skills, and Crispin thinks all cops are rubbish/undercover means liar.

Emotion: Doubt – a betrayal on confirmation of the lies. Trust is broken, but the attraction is still there, even though there doesn’t seem to be any way forward for them.

Her Self-Reflection: If she wants to get the criminal, she has to trust Crispin.
His Self-Reflection: Maybe not all law enforcement personnel are liars and cheat, and they can work together.

Emotion: Desire – even though things look bleak for them as a couple, they can’t walk away. Their strong desire is keeping them together, even though it risks their jobs and professional reputations.

New plan – they realise they’re stronger together, and Crispin plants a piece in the paper about where the hottest new toy is going to be stocked. It’s a trap for Santa and his law enforcement friends.

Emotion: Yearning – if they catch Santa, they can maybe be together. Getting over the obstacle reveals the way forward to what they want.

Working through Issues/Differences – They are put in a situation where they have to trust each other to help the investigation.

Emotion: Desire – they’re shown by their proximity that they still desire each other and a future together.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – lots of parents show up, trying to buy the toy, the parents get a bit antsy, a bit of disorder/argy bargy (not a riot!) and the cops step in. Now Santa knows that the cops are onto him!
Her Acceptance and Growth: Stella realises she needs some roots after all, as she faces Christmas alone, staking out a criminal in an ice cream van.

Emotion: Doubt – they’ve blown it yet again. Maybe they’re not as good together as they think they are.

Act 4:
Demonstrate the change: They trust each other enough to set up a sting, without their superior’s permission, and face the consequences together, as a team.

Emotion: Desire – there’s no rational reason for their actions, given everything that’s happened, other than redeeming themselves to each other.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: they are chastised by their superiors, and have to work as part of larger teams, and with each other, to make sure they catch Santa.

Emotion: Jealousy – they’re split up and have to work closely with different partners.

His Acceptance and Growth: Crispin wants a little more adventure in his life, and this US Marshall has certainly provided it so far.

Emotion: Desire – he can’t deny it at all now.

Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: Santa and his gang now know that they’re onto him. They both get in trouble with their agencies for arranging the unsanctioned sting. How will they catch Santa now?

Emotion: Doubt – how will they move forward?

Resolution: The Marshalls catch Santa based on a tip from the press office. Stella and Crispin distribute the must-have toys to every kid in Monterey, and get together.

Emotion: Passion for Christmas and for catching the bad guy/getting the scoop.

Reunion: They work together through Christmas Eve to ensure each child wakes up to a toy on Christmas morning.

Emotion: Passion spills over into a kiss.

Love Happens: They work as part of a team, realise how well they work when they’re together, and catch Santa. Then distribute a toy to every kid in Monterey.

Emotion: Desire and attraction working together to form love.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Romance Emotions Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is… like most of the things around structure and planning, I can be intentional with the emotions and make it fit the story – but being intentional will lead to there being more emotion, which will draw in the reader (and audiences) deeper. For a romcom especially, this can only be a good thing!

I think I’m going to start adding the emotion for each scene to ALL of my new outlines, because it should help me be leaner and write more effectively.

1. Look through your outline and find places you can build these emotions in scenes:
Attraction
Desire
Yearning
Doubt
Jealousy

2. For each emotion, tell us what the scene is about and how you build the emotion into it.

I need to go through and check on my outline (and run it through Screenplay Feedback before I start writing) but here’s what I have so far:

Act 1:

Opening: Introduces Stella’s mission (via the inside of the ice cream stand) and Crispin as a reporter.

Emotion: both yearning for something more, even if they don’t quite realize it.

Her initial state: A lone US Marshall, focussed only on her career and catching the bad guys.
His initial state: Also very focussed on work. Struggling to look after his niece.

Emotion: both yearning for something more, even if they don’t know it.

Meet-Cute: They meet when Stella is just getting set up with her surveillance van. Crispin’s niece drops an ice cream she bought and is distraught. Stella gives her another one. They both see each other as being caring and good with children.

Emotion: attracted to each other, both by their caring nature (which makes sense as they’re both in somewhat serious, emotionally cold jobs)

Her Meet-Cute moment: Takes pity on what she assumes is a Dad out of his depth, and gives a small child an ice cream to stop them from crying. It’s part of her cover, and it’s Christmas, after all. Stella has been watching the same Santa as the kid.
His Meet-Cute moment: Can’t calm down his niece after she drops her ice cream, distracted by Santa, and is rescued by Stella, who gives her a new one.

Emotion: attracted to each other, both by their caring nature (which makes sense as they’re both in somewhat serious, emotionally cold jobs)

Inciting Incident: Her ice cream truck breaks down in front of his car. He reluctantly helps her and they discover they’re going to the same place (he is tailed by the ice cream truck!) as he received a tip about a robbery due to take place.
Emotion: attraction – though expressed as infuriation. Doubt about the initial attraction as well.

Attraction/Flirting: After they both head to the same crime scene, they pretend that they’re together, shopping for their child to get access to the store?

Emotion: desire – they’re imagining themselves together, even though only at a very surface level. They both know that they actually want what they’re just playing.

Her initial challenges: Keeping her undercover identity secret – taking work too seriously and lying to Crispin despite feeling attracted to him. Law enforcement don’t trust the press.
His initial challenges: He feels that there’s something not right with Stella. When he’s late to a scoop because her ice cream truck broke down and parked him in, he dislikes her.

Emotion: Doubt, in a big way! They’re both worried about the lies that Stella has had to tell due to his job.

Turning Point: After more coincidental meetings, he confronts her in her ice cream truck and says she’s no ice cream seller. She says she is, but has to tell her team he’s on to her.

Emotion: more doubt – this is a big thing that’s keeping them apart. Trust has been lost.

Act 2:
New plan: stay out of each other’s way
Denial: They clash over intelligence and crime scenes and keep arriving at the same place. “Not you again”.

Emotion: Attraction in denial again.

Her Major conflict / Obstacle: She’s trying to bust a major crime ring and this local reporter keeps showing up.
His Major conflict / Obstacle: He’s trying to get the scoop of his career, and this ice cream seller keeps showing up at all the crime scenes.

Emotion: Attraction in denial, they are doing a terrible job of avoiding each other and a terrible job of expressing their attraction.

Plan in action: See each other everywhere they go – wholesalers, crime scenes, everything.

Emotion: Desire – and maybe a little jealousy if they see each other with different people – this can be an opportunity for comedy and to misinterpret things.

Midpoint Turning Point: Crispin makes a bust – it’s Stella! She confesses she is an undercover Marshall and shares her info with him.
Separation/Forced Together: as above.

Emotion: Yearning – they both realize that they need to be honest with each other because they’re getting in each other’s way too much. They can’t lie anymore because their desire is too great.

Act 3:
Rethink everything – they reluctantly work together to try and find the right Santa (the criminal). Stella is unconvinced of his non-law enforcement investigative skills, and Crispin thinks all cops are rubbish/undercover means liar.

Emotion: Doubt – a betrayal on confirmation of the lies. Trust is broken, but the attraction is still there, even though there doesn’t seem to be any way forward for them.

Her Self-Reflection: If she wants to get the criminal, she has to trust Crispin.
His Self-Reflection: Maybe not all law enforcement personnel are liars and cheat, and they can work together.

Emotion: Desire – even though things look bleak for them as a couple, they can’t walk away. Their strong desire is keeping them together, even though it risks their jobs and professional reputations.

New plan – they realise they’re stronger together, and Crispin plants a piece in the paper about where the hottest new toy is going to be stocked. It’s a trap for Santa and his law enforcement friends.

Emotion: Yearning – if they catch Santa, they can maybe be together. Getting over the obstacle reveals the way forward to what they want.

Working through Issues/Differences – They are put in a situation where they have to trust each other to help the investigation.

Emotion: Desire – they’re shown by their proximity that they still desire each other and a future together.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – lots of parents show up, trying to buy the toy, the parents get a bit antsy, a bit of disorder/argy bargy (not a riot!) and the cops step in. Now Santa knows that the cops are onto him!
Her Acceptance and Growth: Stella realises she needs some roots after all, as she faces Christmas alone, staking out a criminal in an ice cream van.

Emotion: Doubt – they’ve blown it yet again. Maybe they’re not as good together as they think they are.

Act 4:
Demonstrate the change: They trust each other enough to set up a sting, without their superior’s permission, and face the consequences together, as a team.

Emotion: Desire – there’s no rational reason for their actions, given everything that’s happened, other than redeeming themselves to each other.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: they are chastised by their superiors, and have to work as part of larger teams, and with each other, to make sure they catch Santa.

Emotion: Jealousy – they’re split up and have to work closely with different partners.

His Acceptance and Growth: Crispin wants a little more adventure in his life, and this US Marshall has certainly provided it so far.

Emotion: Desire – he can’t deny it at all now.

Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: Santa and his gang now know that they’re onto him. They both get in trouble with their agencies for arranging the unsanctioned sting. How will they catch Santa now?

Emotion: Doubt – how will they move forward?

Resolution: They catch Santa, distribute the must have toys to every kid in Monterey, and get together.

Reunion: They work together through Christmas Eve to ensure each child wakes up to a toy on Christmas morning.

Love Happens: They work as part of a team, realise how well they work when they’re together, and catch Santa. Then distribute a toy to every kid in Monterey.

Emotion: Desire and attraction working together to form love.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Comedy Situations

What I learned doing this assignment is… there’s a framework for comedy, and if I keep that in mind, I can build a good amount of comedy into my script without too much trouble. I love the way that Toppers elevate the comedy, so I’ll be thinking of ways I can do that for every single comedy situation.

1. Misinterpretation
– He initially misinterprets her replacing his nieces ice cream?
– I’ll also use the niece to misinterpret what the adults are doing, with her observations sometimes being right, even if the adults don’t realize it.

2. Comedic Surprise
– I’ll use this with the niece as she learns how to interact with her Uncle’s new friend.
– There’s also potential for it with how they work with each other, especially because of her secret Marhsall identity.

3. Wildly Inappropriate Response
– I think she is the best for this – she’s a Marshall, so everything and everyone she comes into contact with can potentially be a threat.
– He might also have this reaction with his niece – parents eventually learn to chill out around their kids, but when it’s not your child, you’re on higher alert.

4. Forced union of incompatibles
– This is the whole movie: they have to work together to save Christmas for the children of Monterey.

4. Embarrassment
– There’s going to be lots of this, although I haven’t completely worked out how yet. This will probably be mostly linked to their love story and the situations they find themselves in. In close quarters in the ice cream truck, and I’ll add in some other compromising situations for them, especially when their bosses are nearby.

6. Comedic tragedy
– I don’t think I can fit this one in, though I’ll keep it in mind when I’m working on my structure and see if anything springs to mind.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is… although I need to deepen my characters and amend the plot, I do have a first draft of a plot for my movie, which was fairly painless because I’d taken most of the decisions before. It will definitely change, but for now, I’m going to keep moving forward because I’m really behind in the classes, and I want to keep learning and improve this concept.

Act 1:

Opening: Introduces Stella’s mission (via the inside of the ice cream stand) and Crispin as a reporter.

Her initial state: A lone US Marshall, focussed only on her career and catching the bad guys.
His initial state: Also very focussed on work. Struggling to look after his niece.

Meet-Cute: They meet when Stella is just getting set up with her surveillance van. Crispin’s niece drops an ice cream she bought and is distraught. Stella gives her another one. They both see each other as being caring and good with children.

Her Meet-Cute moment: Takes pity on what she assumes is a Dad out of his depth, and gives a small child an ice cream to stop them from crying. It’s part of her cover, and it’s Christmas, after all. Stella has been watching the same Santa as the kid.
His Meet-Cute moment: Can’t calm down his niece after she drops her ice cream, distracted by Santa, and is rescued by Stella, who gives her a new one.

Inciting Incident: Her ice cream truck breaks down in front of his car. He reluctantly helps her and they discover they’re going to the same place (he is tailed by the ice cream truck!) as he received a tip about a robbery due to take place.

Attraction/Flirting: After they both head to the same crime scene, they pretend that they’re together, shopping for their child to get access to the store?

Her initial challenges: Keeping her undercover identity secret – taking work too seriously and lying to Crispin despite feeling attracted to him. Law enforcement don’t trust the press.
His initial challenges: He feels that there’s something not right with Stella. When he’s late to a scoop because her ice cream truck broke down and parked him in, he dislikes her.

Turning Point: After more coincidental meetings, he confronts her in her ice cream truck and says she’s no ice cream seller. She says she is, but has to tell her team he’s on to her.

Act 2:
New plan: stay out of each other’s way
Denial: They clash over intelligence and crime scenes and keep arriving at the same place. “Not you again”.

Her Major conflict / Obstacle: She’s trying to bust a major crime ring and this local reporter keeps showing up.
His Major conflict / Obstacle: He’s trying to get the scoop of his career, and this ice cream seller keeps showing up at all the crime scenes.

Plan in action: See each other everywhere they go – wholesalers, crime scenes, everything.

Midpoint Turning Point: Crispin makes a bust – it’s Stella! She confesses she is an undercover Marshall and shares her info with him.
Separation/Forced Together: as above.

Act 3:
Rethink everything – they reluctantly work together to try and find the right Santa (the criminal). Stella is unconvinced of his non-law enforcement investigative skills, and Crispin thinks all cops are rubbish/undercover means liar.

Her Self-Reflection: If she wants to get the criminal, she has to trust Crispin.
His Self-Reflection: Maybe not all law enforcement personnel are liars and cheat, and they can work together.

New plan – they realise they’re stronger together, and Crispin plants a piece in the paper about where the hottest new toy is going to be stocked. It’s a trap for Santa and his law enforcement friends.

Working through Issues/Differences – They are put in a situation where they have to trust each other to help the investigation.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – lots of parents show up, trying to buy the toy, the parents get a bit antsy, a bit of disorder/argy bargy (not a riot!) and the cops step in. Now Santa knows that the cops are onto him!
Her Acceptance and Growth: Stella realises she needs some roots after all, as she faces Christmas alone, staking out a criminal in an ice cream van.

Act 4:
Demonstrate the change: They trust each other enough to set up a sting, without their superior’s permission, and face the consequences together, as a team.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: they are chastised by their superiors, and have to work as part of larger teams, and with each other, to make sure they catch Santa.

His Acceptance and Growth: Crispin wants a little more adventure in his life, and this US Marshall has certainly provided it so far.

Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: Santa and his gang now know that they’re onto him. They both get in trouble with their agencies for arranging the unsanctioned sting. How will they catch Santa now?

Resolution: They catch Santa, distribute the must have toys to every kid in Monterey, and get together.

Reunion: They work together through Christmas Eve to ensure each child wakes up to a toy on Christmas morning.

Love Happens: They work as part of a team, realise how well they work when they’re together, and catch Santa. Then distribute a toy to every kid in Monterey.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Her Journey / His Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is… conflict is the key to driving any story forward – including a love story! As much as I love torturing my characters for the sake of comedy, I also need to ensure that they grow and change so that the ending is satisfying and believable.

Her Journey: Stella Lee
• 1. Initial state: A lone US Marshall, focussed only on her career and catching the bad guys.
• 2. Meet-Cute moment: She gives a small child an ice cream to stop them from crying. It’s part of her cover, and it’s Christmas, after all.
• 3. Initial challenges: Keeping her undercover identity secret – taking work too seriously and lying to Crispin despite feeling attracted to him. Law enforcement don’t trust the press.
• 4. Major conflict / Obstacle: She’s trying to bust a major crime ring and this local reporter keeps showing up.
• 5. Self-Reflection: If she wants to get the criminal, she has to trust Crispin.
• 6. Acceptance and Growth: Stella realises she needs some roots after all, as she faces Christmas alone, staking out a criminal in an ice cream van.
• 7. Demonstrate the change: They trust each other enough to set up a sting, without their superiors permission.
• 8. Reunion: They work together through Christmas Eve to ensure each child wakes up to a toy on Christmas morning.

His Journey: Crispin Davis
• 1. Initial state: Also very focussed on work. Struggling to look after his niece.
• 2. Meet-Cute moment: Can’t calm down his niece after she loses her ice cream, and is rescued by Stella, who gives her a new one.
• 3. Initial challenges: He feels that there’s something not right with Stella. When he’s late to a scoop because her ice cream truck broke down and parked him in, he dislikes her.
• 4. Major conflict / Obstacle: He’s trying to get the scoop of his career, and this ice cream seller keeps showing up at all the crime scenes.
• 5. Self-Reflection: Maybe not all law enforcement personnel are liars and cheat, and they can work together.
• 6. Acceptance and Growth: Crispin wants a little more adventure in his life, and this US Marshall has certainly provided it so far.
• 7. Demonstrate the change: They trust each other enough to set up a sting, without their superiors permission.
• 8. Reunion: They work together through Christmas Eve to ensure each child wakes up to a toy on Christmas morning.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s 7 Stages of Love

What I learned doing this assignment is… that I will love these stages as much as I love structure. Creativity can be easier when you have a template to work through, especially when it’s one that will satisfy the audience. I also like that this rings true to real life, although in less extreme circumstances. It’s not often that two people meet, feel the spark, say they like each other and live happily ever after – there’s usually some bumps along the way.

1. Create the 7 Stages of Love for your two lead characters.
The 7 Stages of Love:
• 1. Meet-Cute
o They meet when Stella is just getting set up with her surveillance van. Crispin’s niece drops an ice cream she bought and is distraught. Stella gives her another one. They both see each other as being caring and good with children.

• 2. Attraction/Flirting
o After they both head to the same crime scene, they pretend that they’re together, shopping for their child to get access to the store?

• 3. Denial
o They clash over intelligence and crime scenes and keep arriving at the same place. “Not you again”.

• 4. Separation/Forced Together
o Crispin makes a bust – it’s Stella. She confesses her purpose in town, and they agree to work together to catch the evil Santa who is trying to steal all the stock.

• 5. Working through Issues/Differences
o They are put in a situation where they have to trust each other to help the investigation. They come up with a plan to snare Santa to steal non-existent stock. Instead, lots of parents turn up hoping to buy the toy for their child, and get antsy when they can’t.

• 6. Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost
o Santa and his gang now know that they’re onto him. They both get in trouble with their agencies for arranging the unsanctioned sting. How will they catch Santa now?

• 7. Love Happens
o They work as part of a team, realise how well they work when they’re together, and catch Santa. Then distribute a toy to every kid in Monterey.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Bigger Story

I have a lot of catching up to do, as I’ve been doing the marketing class as well! It’s going great, so I’m taking a day to catch up on this class.

What I learned doing this assignment is… that romantic comedies aren’t really just about the couple. The situation of the Bigger Story provides reason for them to stay together, and comedic situations.

I already had an idea for the Bigger Story for this romcom, but I still had to ‘drill down’ into the structure to make it make sense (and I’d already changed the concept so that the Criminal wants to steal the toys.

1. Brainstorm at least 5 ideas for each of these and select the one or combination you like best for your bigger story.
• A. What interesting world could this movie/show be set in?
o The world is California at Christmas time. The holiday vibes change people’s behaviour, sometimes for better and for worse, but both ways can be comedic.

• B. What major conflict could be happening?
o The conflict comes from trying to catch the bad guys.

• C. What intriguing situation could these characters be engaged in?
o They’re trying to catch a criminal Santa before he steals all the ‘must have’ toys of the season.

Concept: A US Marshall working undercover and a local crime reporter team up to catch a dangerous criminal who is on the run posing as Santa, and plans to steal the season’s ‘must-have’ toy from every store in Monterey.

Main Conflict: Law enforcement vs journalism as they both want to catch Santa and take the credit.

2. Turn that bigger story into a 3-Act or 4-Act structure.
Act 1:
• Opening – Stella and Crispin meet when he’s looking after her niece, and she drops her ice cream. Stella replaces it. Introduces Stella’s mission (via the inside of the ice cream stand) and Crispin as a reporter.
• Inciting Incident – Her ice cream truck breaks down in front of his car. He reluctantly helps her and they discover they’re going to the same place (he is tailed by the ice cream truck!) as he received a tip about a robbery due to take place.
• Turning Point – After more coincidental meetings, he confronts her in her ice cream truck and says she’s no ice cream seller. She says she is, but has to tell her team he’s on to her.

Act 2:
• New plan – stay out of each other’s way
• Plan in action – see each other everywhere they go – wholesalers, crime scenes, everything.
• Midpoint Turning Point – Crispin makes a bust – it’s Stella! She confesses she is an undercover Marshall and shares her info with him.

Act 3:
• Rethink everything – they reluctantly work together to try and find the right Santa (the criminal). Stella is unconvinced of his non-law enforcement investigative skills, and Crispin thinks all cops are rubbish/undercover means liar.
• New plan – they realise they’re stronger together, and Crispin plants a piece in the paper about where the hottest new toy is going to be stocked. It’s a trap for Santa and his law enforcement friends.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – lots of parents show up, trying to buy the toy, there’s a bit of disorder and the cops step in. Now Santa knows that the cops are onto him

Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – they are chastised by their superiors, and have to work as part of larger teams, and with each other, to make sure they catch Santa.
• Resolution – They catch Santa, distribute the must have toys to every kid in Monterey, and get together.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by  Joy Smith. Reason: Word pastes into a single giant block which is very difficult to read!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Rom Com Project

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s fine if I don’t have all the answers yet, but one of the keys to creating good romcom characters is that they have to be each other’s “missing piece” in some way – just like with real life couples.

I was creating a poster for this (for the one sheet I’ll be putting together) and I realised a few story details while doing that as well, which was helpful.

I’ll probably still need to make their differences more ‘extreme’, but this is just lesson 2, so I’m going to move on and make progress.

Logline (updated):
A US Marshall working undercover as an ice cream vendor and a charming local crime reporter team up to catch a dangerous criminal who is on the run posing as Santa – but not before he delivers Christmas presents to every kid in Monterey.

Concept:
• Two People Who Belong Together: US Marshall Stella and journalist Crispin both seek truth and justice, with an unexpected shared history of childhood in the same town. (though they didn’t know each other when they were small, it’s not a second chance romance).
• How Are They Separated: Stella’s undercover mission and Crispin’s distrust of law enforcement (reinforced when he finds out she’s not who she says she is).
• What Forces Them together: Stella chasing a dangerous criminal that is posting as Santa, and Crispin chasing the story.
• Issues to be Resolved: Stella grapples with her duty to her job versus her growing feelings for Crispin, while Crispin must learn to trust Stella.
• On Their Journey of Love: Through solving the heists, they rediscover their shared past, working through their issues and finding love.
Conventions:
• The Journey of Love: They go from meeting when Crispin’s niece drops her ice cream, and Stella gives her a replacement.
• Relationship Set-up: The real ‘meet cute’ happens when Stella’s ice cream truck breaks down, blocking in Crispin’s car, meaning that he thinks he is going to miss a scoop.
• Issues each must Resolve: Stella being undercover and the associated lies, and Crispin getting in the way of her investigation by being a great reporter. Crispin struggles to trust Stella, particularly after she confesses to working undercover.
• Separation: Stella’s undercover work keeps them separated for most of the movie, then it is their own issues relating to that.

1. Starting with your concept and conventions, fill in as many blanks as you can for each of your lead characters.
• Who is She?
Stella Lee – US Marhsall. Travels around the country hunting bad guys.
• Who is He?
Crispin Davis – Local Crime Reporter. Local to Monterey, thinks it’s a perfect place (especially at Christmas!) and doesn’t understand why people would want to leave.
• What makes them lovable?
They both have a sense of right and wrong, and want to chase justice. Initially, they are both a little too rigid in this, but learn through the magic of Christmas that there are times when you have to hold before you get the result you want.
• What attracts them to each other?
Crispin shows his caring side by looking after his niece. She also shows herself to be caring by replacing the ice cream that the niece dropped (also saving him lots of hassle). Although he loves Monterey, he could do with a little bit of adventure, and she provides that. He also likes looking after his niece, but doesn’t have children of his own yet, and the way Stella deals with his niece shows him that he might be able to find the right woman to have kids with.
Stella likes the stability in Crispin’s life, as well as his nose for a story – an investigator but also a civilian, she also wants to protect him from the dangerous criminal Santa.
• What needs does each fulfill for the other?
Stella: fulfils Crispin’s need for adventure and the need for a long term partner to have children with.
Crispin: fulfils Stella’s longing for a more stable life, for some roots.

2. Then work with what you have to improve the answers.

3. Take a break to process, then return and compare both characters to each other to find any other ways these two might create the best relationship for this movie or TV series.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Romcom Project

What I learned doing this assignment is… that coming up with concepts is really fun, and even though there are guidelines, there are so many different ways to make them work! Making the audience feel like they’ve fallen in love again is something I’d love to do – I want to write ‘date night’ movies, whether it’s the 1st date or the 100th!

My Concept and Conventions

The Ice Cream Seller’s Secret

Logline: An FBI agent undercover as an ice cream vendor and a charming local crime reporter team up to bust an organized crime gang that is laundering money through a charity – but not before the gang deliver Christmas presents to every kid in Monterey.

1. Starting with whatever idea you have, fill in the blanks to create a concept.
• Two People Who Belong Together: FBI agent Stella and journalist Crispin both seek truth and justice, with an unexpected shared history of childhood in the same town. (though they didn’t know each other when they were small, it’s not a second chance romance).
• How Are They Separated: Stella’s undercover mission and Crispin’s distrust of law enforcement (reinforced when he finds out she’s not who she says she is).
• What Forces Them together: Stella chasing the criminal gang that is committing heists and Crispin chasing the story.
• Issues to be Resolved: Stella grapples with her duty to her job versus her growing feelings for Crispin, while Crispin must learn to trust Stella.
• On Their Journey of Love: Through solving the heists, they rediscover their shared past, working through their issues and finding love.

2. Then fill in the blanks to create your conventions. Even though some of these are the same, it is worth looking at them in the context of the conventions.
Experience of Falling In Love:
• The Journey of Love: They go from meeting when Crispin’s niece drops her ice cream, and Stella gives her a replacement.
• Relationship Set-up: The real ‘meet cute’ happens when Stella’s ice cream truck breaks down, blocking in Crispin’s car, meaning that he thinks he is going to miss a scoop.
• Issues each must Resolve: Stella being undercover and the associated lies, and Crispin getting in the way of her investigation by being a great reporter. Crispin struggles to trust Stella, particularly after she confesses to being an FBI agent.
• Separation: Stella’s undercover work keeps them separated for most of the movie, then it is their own issues relating to that.
• How will Comedy be Expressed: Some embarrassing moments, particularly with the niece, also a little physical comedy when they are both chasing the bad guys. Disagreements between the two, and them also continually being thrown together throughout the investigation, even though they are trying to stay away from each other.

3. Edit both lists to improve the expression of the concept and conventions.

[Joy Smith]

Hi! I’m Joy Geldard-Smith

I’ve written a bunch of scripts, but haven’t really marketed them (and yes, I am in the Marketing Class – so grateful for that!). I’ve got two completed romcoms and another one on the go, as well as the one we’ll create in this class.

I hope to get my best romcom to date out of this class, as well as a framework that will allow me to consistently create exceptional romcoms that get produced! (Not asking for much, I know!)

I’m from Yorkshire in the UK, I used to run a handmade jewelry business and also a handmade soap business. When people ask why I love romcoms, I say that I fell in love at a bus stop, and if you can find love there, it can be anywhere!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith
I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Turning Point 1 Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is… I am falling even more in love with structure than I thought I was before! The beginning, middle and end make it much easier to write, and (hopefully!) make it more interesting for the audience as well. You also have to ‘lock in’ the journey by giving your character no other options, and I had fun doing that.

It kinda feels a bit like I’m writing too much here for a turning point, but the thing with her faking the sickness is what pushes her manager to fire her, after being so concerned about her, so I feel like it’s part of it.

I really enjoyed getting my character fired!

1. Outline your Act 1 Turning Point.

Act 1 Beat Sheet:

INT. MADISON’S WORK – THE NEXT DAY

Madison goes into work, complete with accessories trying to show that she’s still sick. She receives a call (via switchboard) from Jose’s manager, who asks her to do another puzzle room. She says don’t call her again.

INT. LOCAL NEWS – THAT SAME NIGHT

Madison is having a TV dinner and sees footage of ‘Local Artist Jose and Mystery Woman’. Cuts to bestie, parents and her manager all watching with the same disbelief. [And the cute kid, if there is a cute kid in it.]

INT. MADISON’S WORK – THE NEXT DAY

Madison goes into work and is promptly fired!

EXT. STREETS – DAY

Madison driving home with the car, asking the car how she’s going to pay for it.

INT. PLACEHOLDER – LATER

What is a non-creepy way for Jose’s manager to have tracked her down to speak to her again? Sure, he called the office and they said she was fired, but they wouldn’t give out her details. Probably need to set something up with Jose about a favorite coffee shop, or comfort food, or something like that. ???

He convinces her to do more puzzles and agrees to a 50% split, thinking it won’t last long. She says she doesn’t know how he can represent someone like Jose, and she’s only doing it because she got fired after just buying a sweet new ride so needs the money.

Outline:

INT. MADISON’S WORK – THE NEXT DAY

Beginning: Madison goes into work, complete with accessories trying to show that she’s still sick.

Middle: She receives a call (via switchboard) from Jose’s manager, who asks her to do another puzzle room.

End: She says don’t call her again, as she is nearly busted by her own manager, checking in on how she’s recovering. She lies.

INT. LOCAL NEWS – THAT SAME NIGHT

Beginning: Madison is having a boring TV dinner as befits her boring accountant life. She sees footage of ‘Local Artist Jose and Mystery Woman’ on the local news.

Middle: Cuts to bestie, parents and her manager all watching with the same disbelief. [And the cute kid, if there is a cute kid in it.]

End: Her manager drinking a beer and going from ‘Madison?’ to ‘MADISON!’

INT. MADISON’S WORK – THE NEXT DAY

Beginning: Madison goes into work and tries to continue as normal.

Middle: Her manager tries to talk to her in her office. She takes it outside, underestimating his anger.

End: She is promptly fired – in front of everyone!

EXT. STREETS – DAY

Beginning: Madison driving home talking to her car, saying that she’s happy and she didn’t like that boring job anyway.

Middle: She says she can find loads of other work, she’s got qualifications, everything will be fine. She just needs to find someone who doesn’t watch the news and won’t recognise her from that, and will hire her without a reference from the firm that she’s worked for the last five years…

End: Madison driving home with the car, asking the car how she’s going to pay for it, realizing the mess she’s in.

INT. Havana Rum Bar – LATER

Beginning: Rafael walks into the bar to find Madison drowning her sorrows. She doesn’t want to speak to him until he offers to pay for the drinks.

Middle: He explains he found out she was fired, and she mentioned in the puzzle room that she liked drinking presidentes, so he came to that bar, as it serves the best in Miami.

End: He convinces her to do more puzzles and agrees to a 50% split, thinking it won’t last long. She says she doesn’t know how he can represent someone like Jose, and she’s only doing it because she got fired after just buying a sweet new ride so needs the money.

2. Write your Act 1 Turning Point.

INT. MADISON’S WORK – THE NEXT DAY

Madison slow-walks into her new office, complete with fake cough and tissues. Co-workers smile and try to congratulate her on her promotion, but she coughs them away in her hurry to hide in her office.

As soon as she is shut in safety, the tissues are dumped. The desk phone rings.

MADISON

(curious:)

Acumen Accountants, Madison speaking.

RAFAEL (V.O.)

Oh, hi, Madison, glad I got through to you.

MADISON

Can I ask who’s calling?

RAFAEL

It’s Rafael Morales. We met at the puzzle room.

MADISON

The manager, huh? How did you get this number?

RAFAEL

I came through the switchboard. Where accountants work isn’t a state secret, you know.

MADISON

You shouldn’t call me here.

RAFAEL

I’m trying to do you a favor. We can make some money together.

MADISON

What would I have to do?

RAFAEL

Same as before – just be in the puzzle room with Jose.

MADISON

You don’t have enough money to pay me to do that. And I have a day job here that I need to get on with.

RAFAEL

C’mon, one more room. It’s a couple of hours of your time. Help out a starving artist.

MADISON

If he starves because he doesn’t come down from his ivory tower to eat, that’s on him.

Madison sees a shadow on the closed blinds.

RAFAEL

I’m his manager – I help him make money. I’m asking you to help me to help him.

A short tap on the door and Antonia enters.

MADISON

(fake hoarse:)

Look, don’t call here again.

Phone promptly hung up. Tissue returns to hand.

MADISON (CONT’D)

Spammers.

Fake coughing into the tissue. If she seems germy enough, Antonia will leave her alone.

ANTONIA

You sure you should be back, sugar?

MADISON

Oh… yeah. Just a cold.

Can’t downplay it too much.

MADISON

A vicious one, I hardly slept,but just a cold. I’ll be-

(spontaneous coughing:)

-fine. Eventually.

ANTONIA

You get settled in here, sort your stuff. Take it easy today. Though I do need the viewing figures by tonight.

MADISON

Viewing figures?

ANTONIA

View. You. Inc.

MADISON

Duh! Who would be viewing me? Must be messing with my ears.

Antonia nods and backs away.

Madison rests her head on the desk.

MADISON

Don’t blow it now.

INT. MADISON’S APARTMENT – THAT SAME NIGHT

Madison moves to an imaginary beat as the microwave timer reaches its end. The meal is place on a plate, which is placed on Madison’s lap as she tries to sit nicely on the creaky couch, remote in hand.

MADISON

(channel hopping:)

Nope. Nuh. No way. Kill me. Ooh, news.

She chews this over a mouthful of microwave food.

MADISON (CONT’D)

Maybe I am boring. I just got excited by the news.

On TV, the anchor turns to the next story.

NEWS ANCHOR

Our reporter there, in Brickell. And now to the local internet sensation that has sparked a search for a mystery woman.

Madison mindlessly munches.

NEWS ANCHOR

Miami artist Jose Torres broke new ground by completing a new work while locked in an escape room, but the show was stolen by a mystery woman who ended up locked in there with him.

Madison’s munching stops.

MONTAGE

Sam is at home, swiping through a dating app, when she looks up and sees Madison in the puzzle room with Jose.

SAM

What the…?

…Ian is sat in a bar, glances up at the big screen.

IAN

Wait, is that…?

…Madison’s Dad is setting the last plates on the table, while her Mom has the TV on.

ISABEL

Hey, Ben, come look at this!

He rushes to her, and they analyze the footage.

BEN

Can it be? I’m pretty sure that’s…

…Antonia switches her TV on, goes to the fridge, then slams down on her couch, opening a cold beer.

ANTONIA

Madison?

…Jose, brush in hand, spins round to face the TV.

JOSE

Madison?

He steps left, then lets the brush fall onto a canvas on the floor.

JOSE

That numbers witch will not take my victory!

He loads and drops more brushes, angrily.

JOSE

Madison!

…Antonia squints forensically at the TV as the reporter moves on. Grabs her phone, finds the footage.

ANTONIA

Madison?

…Sam recovers enough to call Madison.

SAM

Madison?

…Antonia is on her feet now, zooming into the still posted on the local news website.

ANTONIA

MADISON!

INT. MADISON’S OFFICE – THE NEXT DAY

Madison sits, office door open, working hard and fast, several empty coffee cups lined up on the edge of the desk. Ian approaches with a cup of coffee for her, confused.

IAN

What’s going on? You pull an all-nighter or something?

MADISON

No, I just got in a little early.

IAN

Should I be worried?

Ian places down the coffee.

MADISON

No. Just getting used to the next rung up the corporate ladder.

IAN

OK, well, you know you can delegate stuff to me. You look kinda stressed.

MADISON

I’m all good.

IAN

I just… have never seen you get here before Antonia before.

MADISON

Is she here?

Antonia looms behind Ian.

ANTONIA

She’s here.

MADISON

Oh, good! I wanted to talk to you. Everyone’s been calling me about that thing on the news last night.

IAN

Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. So weird.

MADISON

Right? So weird. I mean, I never believed in doppelganger theory, but right here in Miami.

ANTONIA

Yeah, it’s weird.

Madison picks up on Antonia’s anger.

MADISON

Oh, did-did you see it too?

ANTONIA

With my own eyes.

MADISON

I used to think seeing was believing, but now…

ANTONIA

How’s the cold?

MADISON

Thanks for asking. It’s so much better.

Madison slinks round from behind the desk and picks up some coffee cups.

ANTONIA

So much better that you got here early enough to drink… five cups of coffee before 8am?

MADISON

I woke up early. Maybe because of the cold medicine.

Ian is starting to back out of the office.

ANTONIA

The cold medicine?

MADISON

Could be. I’m just gonna take these cups to the kitchen.

Madison moves and Antonia follows her, both passing Ian.

ANTONIA

Doesn’t cold medicine usually make you drowsy?

Madison is out of the door by now, just out into the main office, full of coworkers chatting about their evenings.

MADISON

Usually at first, then when it wears off, it wakes me all the way up. I’ll just take the cups…

ANTONIA

Madison, I’m going to ask you this one time. Were you in a puzzle room on Monday?

The chatter drops.

MADISON

I… No. I was sick, I was in bed. Remember, you even said how bad I sounded when I called.

ANTONIA

I remember.

Madison sneezes, genuinely, which sprays all the coffee cups she’s holding.

ANTONIA

That’s it. You’re fired.

MADISON

Because I sneezed?

She’s trying to hold it in, but Madison’s anger is also simmering.

ANTONIA

Because you’ve been faking this whole thing.

Madison looks to the open-plan office for back up.

MADISON

It was a genuine sneeze! People sneeze. Haven’t we all sneezed here once or twice?

ANTONIA

People sneeze. They don’t pull sickies to go hang out with artists in puzzle rooms right after you promote them.

Madison searches for a comeback.

MADISON

I-

ANTONIA

Don’t.

MADISON

But, I-

ANTONIA

Do. Not. Just clear your desk, and go.

The collective group cower slightly, anticipating the reaction.

MADISON

I’m sorry.

ANTONIA

Ian?

IAN

Yep?

ANTONIA

Stay in that office, it’s yours.

Madison walks to the kitchen to get rid of the coffee cups that have underscored how undignified what just happened was.

EXT. STREETS – DAY

Madison is in her new car, top down, shades on, box of work stuff on the passenger seat. On autopilot, driving her route home.

MADISON

Woo-hoo! I am free. I am so happy, Comet. I didn’t need that stupid job anyway. Boring? It WAS boring. I should have quit a long time ago. It was the job that was boring, not me. I’m fun, Comet. Ian can have the office. I can get loads of other work, I’ve still got my qualifications. So many, many qualifications and exams that I had to put myself through. For what? To get fired the first time I ever took a sickie? In five years? Screw them! I’ll find somewhere fun to be an accountant. Like a bouncy castle firm or a pie shop.

(pauses to think:)

I mean, it would have to be a fun firm, because apparently everyone watches the local news now so everyone will recognize me. I mean, everyone. But there will be some people who won’t care, right? I’ll be fine. Everyone needs accountants. All the time.

(it’s hitting her now:)

But they don’t usually hire them without references. Can I really get a reference if they fired me? I worked there for five years straight out of college. They have to give me a reference, right? Comet? I’ve still got you. For now. I mean, I don’t know how I’m going to pay for you anymore. Maybe I should have been boring and not treated myself. If you can call a sports car a treat. It’s more of a major life purchase, really. Oh, Comet, what am I going to do?

Madison pulls up outside her apartment building and falls apart.

INT. HAVANA RUM BAR – LATER

Brick walls host a framed Cuban flag and vintage tourist posters in simple frames. Behind the bar is packed tight with rum bottles of all shades and sizes, from the darkest at one end, to clear at the other. Pulses with fast-paced music, energy and laughter – except from one seat. Madison’s.

Rafael enters the bar, trying not to be noticed while scanning the bar for one particular face. He takes a seat next to her.

RAFAEL

I thought I might find you here.

MADISON

Who are you looking for?

Madison is worse for rum.

RAFAEL

You. It’s me, Raf, the manager.

MADISON

Oh, yeah, you’re the asshole that leaked the footage to the news and got me fired.

RAFAEL

I didn’t do any of that.

The BARMAN approaches.

RAFAEL (CONT’D)

Two presidentes, please.

Madison glares.

RAFAEL (CONT’D)

I listen! You don’t like Cuban sandwiches but you love presidentes. I’m not much of a detective but this place serves the best in the 305. I called back to talk to you again, heard you got fired, and… here we sit.

MADISON

I’m not drinking with you.

RAFAEL

I’m paying.

MADISON

I’ll have one drink with you. But I’m still mad.

The Barman returns with their drinks and Rafael pays.

RAFAEL

I don’t know why you think I’d need to tell the press – the video has 15 million views. You’ve gone viral.

MADISON

Well, here’s the thing. I told my boss I had something viral, and now I’m unemployed. I might even have to get rid of Comet.

RAFAEL

That’s not my fault, is it?

MADISON

No. I guess I should blame that Puzzler kid for putting me in the wrong room.

Madison gulps her presidente.

RAFAEL

It’s not her fault either. But getting sacked for pulling one sickie seems a little harsh.

MADISON

I just wanted to have one day to myself where no one called me boring.

RAFAEL

You had an exciting day, right? That’s what people loved, the excitement.

MADISON

That painter called me boring.

RAFAEL

So, prove to him, and everyone, that you’re not. Do another one.

MADISON

You’re not even here to apologize to me?

RAFAEL

If an apology can take the form of a lucrative deal, then sure. You need a job, right?

MADISON

You’re offering me a job?

RAFAEL

More of an opportunity to make some money. Everyone needs money. We can ride this wave and see how far it takes us.

MADISON

But I have to work with that brush jockey?

RAFAEL

And in your job where everyone called you boring – you liked every one of them?

MADISON

Ugh. I guess you’re kinda good at your job, persuading people.

RAFAEL

One of the best.

MADISON

Then how come you’re representing someone like Jose?

RAFAEL

He’s a rising star. And you could rise with him. That sounded creepier than I meant it to.

MADISON

If he’s rising, he can do it alone.

RAFAEL

People loved you. Both of you.

The dime drops.

MADISON

You need me.

RAFAEL

No. But you would be an asset.

MADISON

15 million views? How many did his last video get?

RAFAEL

He was trying something different, you can’t compare.

Madison lifts her phone with intent.

MADISON

I’ll just look it up myself, right now…

RAFAEL

No need. I’ll give you 25% of what Jose gets.

MADISON

I’ll take 60% of everything. Plus expenses.

RAFAEL

Expenses? You’ll be in a puzzle room.

MADISON

Take it or leave it.

RAFAEL

50%.

MADISON

Deal.

She holds her hand out, shaking on the deal she wanted all along.

MADISON (CONT’D)

Maybe I can keep Comet after all.

RAFAEL

Wait, what is this comet?

MADISON

My car. Obviously.

Rafael wonders what kind of crazy he just did a deal with.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Inciting Incident

What I learned doing this assignment is… I didn’t quite get the last one right, with the beginning, middle and end. Must have read it when I was tired. I really like writing to that, although I know it will need a lot of tightening up as I will overwrite given that much. I really like the idea of structuring scenes like that though.

1. Outline Key Scenes 2 & 3 for Act 1.

Key Scene 2/Inciting incident:

Outline: Madison meets Jose, who tells her to get out of his performance art. She obviously can’t. He tells her about his project. She calls him pretentious. They waste a lot of time fighting, and then she basically tells him they will end up locked in and fail there unless he bucks his ideas up. He paints, refusing to work with her, and she solves the puzzles that he can’t.

She says that his work looks like he’s playing it safe.

INT. PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

BEGINNING: Madison starts the puzzle room, then realizes that Jose is up to something else. Jose is unhappy that his new ‘thing’ is off to a bad start.

MIDDLE: Jose paints while Madison easily solves the puzzles.

END: They solve the puzzles and are released, but Madison criticizes Jose’s art.

Key Scene 3:

Outline: INT – PUZZLE ROOM RECEPTION – LATER

They emerge from the puzzle room to meet Jose’s manager, who spills the beans that the whole thing was livestreamed. Madison is even more furious, even though he says it was a hit.

Beginning: Madison is happy that she solved some of the puzzles, but irked by Jose (who is also irked by Madison).

Middle: Truce – Jose thanks her for her help with the puzzles, but not her opinion on art.

End: Jose’s manager tells them it’s a hit, elating Jose but infuriating Madison.

2. Write your Inciting Incident scene.

I don’t know if this is formatted right, or if it should be ‘intercut’ rather than new scenes, but this is the inciting incident scene. It then runs straight into the emotional reaction scene.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – LATER

Madison checks her phone for the time as she sits in the puzzle room’s reception. The walls are covered in riddles and famous detectives. Rafael is there, with some other arty-looking people.

PUZZLER PAIGE, a minimum wage employee with minimum enthusiasm, dressed as a Victorian detective, walks towards Madison.

PUZZLER PAIGE

Madison, right? I’m Puzzler Paige. Come this way to the lockers, and then prepare to be locked in.

Madison excitedly stands.

MADISON

I’m actually kind of nervous! I’ve always wanted to do something like this.

PUZZLER PAIGE

(what a nerd!)

Then today’s your lucky day!

Puzzler Paige gestures at a locker, and Madison fumbles but puts her stuff in.

MADISON

I’m done.

Puzzler Paige is on her phone the whole time. Then sees the time.

PUZZLER PAIGE

Crap. We need to get you in there.

Grabs Madison’s wrist, flings open the door, almost shoves Madison inside, then the door slams closed.

PUZZLER PAIGE

Oops.

Puzzler Paige looks at the now closed door, realizing her mistake.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Madison jumps at the door slamming shut, then turns around, apprehensively taking a slow breath in. Sees Jose glowering.

JOSE

What are you doing?

MADISON

What are you doing?

JOSE

Why are you in this room?

MADISON

To solve the puzzles and escape. Y’know, for fun. What’s with the face?

JOSE

This is the premiere of my groundbreaking new art concept. It does not include you.

Despite the rudeness, Madison is sympathetic.

MADISON

Oh. No, that’s nothing to do with me. I’ll get Puzzler Paige!

JOSE

Puzzler Paige?

MADISON

Yeah, the staffer that locked me in here.

Madison turns back to the door and hammers on it.

MADISON (CONT’D)

Puzzler Paige? Puzzler Paige?

JOSE

She can’t hear you.

Madison continues.

MADISON

Puzzler Paige? Puzzler Paige?

JOSE

She can probably see you on the cameras though.

Madison considers, then jumps up and down, waving her arms. Jose breaks and laughs.

JOSE

Are you trying to flag down a jumbo jet?

MADISON

It was your idea.

JOSE

I gave you information, I did not tell you to jump around like maracas at a salsa show.

MADISON

Take your eyes off my maracas!

JOSE

Please! I’m telling you that you’re stuck in here. So sit down and be quiet and let me work.

Madison won’t be condescended to.

MADISON

Hey! I paid for this session. I want to do some creative problem solving and beat the room. And that’s what I’m going to do.

JOSE

You’re interrupting my performance art, which has barely had chance to get started, which requires ME to do all the puzzles and create a work of art reflecting my cognitive processes.

Madison wanders round the room, mentally grazing the clues.

MADISON

(sarcastic:)

Wow.

JOSE

(sincerely:)

Thank you.

Madison can’t help but let her humor erupt.

JOSE (CONT’D)

You’re mocking me?

MADISON

I haven’t been trained in any alternative methods on dealing with someone that pretentious, sorry.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

A large screen is showing the different angles of the puzzle room, with sound.

Puzzler Paige is stuck in a slow motion firing and she knows it. Rafael and his entourage are trying to speed it up.

PUZZLER PAIGE

It was a genuine mistake. Time was running out to get her into a room!

RAFAEL

Because you’d half-assed your job and left it late. Now you’ve screwed months of planning. He’ll never be able to work like this.

PUZZLER PAIGE

I mean, we can override it if you want, but you’re already live. There’s quite a few comments.

Rafael turns to the screen. There are.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Rafael is banging his head against his canvas.

MADISON

Oh, come on. You must have painted in front of a person before.

JOSE

(not looking up:)

I did, but we were both naked.

MADISON

That’s not happening.

JOSE

Do I really need to start my sentences with ‘this is not a request’ for you?

Madison’s glare is enough of an answer.

MADISON

I’ll start by the door and try and stay out of your way. You can paint or puzzle or whatever.

JOSE

You don’t understand, do you? You’ve ruined the whole thing.

MADISON

I have not done anything here, other than been locked in the wrong room with the wrong person. You’re supposed to be painting, so paint!

JOSE

It’s not that simple.

MADISON

I’m pretty sure it is. No one will know what you would have painted on your own, so you can still just paint your cognitive processes.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

Puzzler Paige tries to become Persuasive Paige.

PUZZLER PAIGE

I know it doesn’t get me off the hook, but she’s right… She’s not really taking anything away from the process.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jose is pacing in front of the easel. Madison is idly working a puzzle.

MADISON

Look, I’ll be quiet and do some puzzles, and we’ll just try and make the best of it. “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents.”

JOSE

Did you quote Bob Ross?

MADISON

I see you’re not a fan, so I am gonna be quiet now.

She completes the pieces.

MADISON

Oh, look, it’s the skyline from a cruise ship!

Madison mimes locking her lips.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

The small group are transfixed by the screen.

RAFAEL

Did we just hit 5,000 live views? We just hit 5,000 views!

Enthusiasm explodes.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jose has been calmed by starting to paint. Madison is still doing the puzzles, silently.

JOSE

So, what do you do, anyway?

MADISON

Accountant.

JOSE

Boring.

MADISON

Actually, not.

JOSE

Disagree.

MADISON

Accountants can expose fraud and white collar crime, work with the PD on money laundering…

JOSE

That’s what you do?

Jose doesn’t hide being impressed.

MADISON

…I said ‘can’ not ‘I do’.

JOSE

Oh.

MADISON

Well, it beats sitting around, starving, while you wait for inspiration to strike.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

The group wince collectively.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jose holds it together.

JOSE

I’m getting into a flow state now, so I’m going to give you grace and pretend I didn’t hear that.

MADISON

OK. I just solved another one. You know, I can’t eat a Cubano. Too much protein.

Jose almost comes apart again.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

Rafael turns to Puzzler Paige.

RAFAEL

That’s his all-time favorite food.

Puzzler Paige feels her firing closing in again.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jose has filled the canvas.

MADISON

Hey, I think this is the last clue. You want a little more time to paint?

JOSE

No, I’d like to get this ordeal over with. Besides-

(one last stroke:)

It is done.

MADISON

Can I see?

JOSE

Everyone else is about to.

Jose beckons Madison over.

MADISON

Huh.

JOSE

OK, art critic accountant, explain.

MADISON

I don’t know. I like it, but it feels like… You’re holding back somehow. Playing it safe.

Jose suppresses a surfable wave of rage before speaking.

JOSE

Amiga. Everything I have done since you were thrown in here with me has been held back. If it wasn’t, you’d be dead.

MADISON

Oh, don’t be such a child.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

Rafael can’t look.

RAFAEL

I never thought this would end in violence.

INT. LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jose slowly puts down his brush and then lifts a tube of paint like a weapon.

JOSE

Childish?

MADISON

Childish.

Jose squirts the tube of paint all over Madison. Face, hair, clothing, everywhere.

JOSE

That’s me being childish.

MADISON

What is wrong with you?

Madison wipes a handful of paint from her, throws it in Jose’s face, fits the final puzzle and then stands at the door.

MADISON

I demand my release.

The door pops. Jose turns to look at his painting, on which some of Madison’s fistful has landed. He raises an eyebrow.

3. Write the scene for the Reaction to the Inciting Incident.

INT – LOCKED IN THE 305 PUZZLE ROOMS RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

Madison emerges from the puzzle room and is greeted by the shocked small crowd in reception.

MADISON

(to Puzzler Paige:)

I want a refund.

PUZZLER PAIGE

Of course. And we’ll pay for your dry cleaning. And… I’ll ask my manager if there’s anything else we can do for you. Please don’t sue us.

MADISON

Don’t give me ideas.

Rafael tentatively approaches Madison and gently touches her arm, as Puzzler Paige hands her a towel.

RAFAEL

Hey. I’m Rafael Morales, Jose’s manager.

MADISON

My condolences.

Madison is concentrating on removing paint from herself.

RAFAEL

Listen, you were great in there.

MADISON

Well, I don’t paint, and I won’t paint if that’s the sort of person it turns you into.

Jose exits the room and is greeted by his fans. Rafael smiles at him, and gestures he’ll be there shortly as he follows Madison following Puzzler Paige back to the lockers.

RAFAEL

Jose creates his best work when he’s challenged.

MADISON

He was a challenge alright.

RAFAEL

This is the first time we’ve done anything like this. No one knew if it was going to work, it was risky.

MADISON

You’ll have to take that up with whoever runs this place.

RAFAEL

No, I mean, the viewing figures were way above what we expected and I think that’s partly because of you.

Madison is stunned.

MADISON

Viewing figures?

RAFAEL

Yeah. We livestreamed it. Jose missed that bit, huh?

Madison turns green with rage.

MADISON

You livestreamed it? You livestreamed me?

RAFAEL

I can see you need some time to unpack everything that’s happened. It’s been intense. Here’s my card. Call me.

Rafael looks for a paint-free spot to hand his card to Madison. Fails. Places it in her hand.

Having got her things, Madison walks towards the exit, tapping his card on her hand, considering. Feeling Rafael still watching her, she turns, puts the card in her mouth, chews, and then spits it into the waste paper by the reception desk.

Leaves the building triumphant.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Act 1: Opening Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is… it pays to have done all the work up until this point because all that prep makes writing the actual scenes much easier. They’re not perfect, but they’re a start. So let’s keep going!

1. Go to your Beat Sheet and find the opening scene and a second lead character introduction. Create a simple outline those scenes for those two scenes.

INT. MADISON’S WORK – DAY

Madison excelling at her boring accountant life. She is being given a promotion (so we know she is talented and special). She calls her bestie – who is pleased for her but calls her boring? Says she’ll be stuck at the accountancy firm forever.

INT. JOSE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jose is prepping for the next day. His manager is telling him what a triumph it will be – art in all it’s creative genius being laid bare for the YouTube generation to consume?

2. Write your Opening scene that introduces a lead character; either your Protagonist or Antagonist.

INT. ACUMEN ACCOUNTING – DAY

In a cubicle on one floor of a building that stretches from gray sidewalk to gray sky sits MADISON, bored. She is usually extremely capable, tenacious and bright, but is switched off right now, having sat in the same seat crunching numbers at the same firm for the last five years.

ANDREW, Madison’s forthright supervisor, bounds towards her.

ANDREW

Madison?

Lightning-fast, Madison recovers her attentive streak.

MADISON

At your service.

ANDREW

A word?

Andrew turns immediately, as Madison rises to follow him. IAN, who loves spreadsheets like most people love baseball, occupies the next cubicle. He looks up from his spreadsheet to give Madison a smile and a thumbs up. She returns his encouragement.

INT. ANDREW’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Andrew rigidly sits behind his desk, and gestures for Madison to take a seat. They smile with familiar awkwardness.

ANDREW

So, Madison, having a good day?

MADISON

The numbers are being nice, so, yeah.

ANDREW

You took the promotion exam a week ago?

MADISON

I did.

Madison breathes nervously. Andrew deliberately pauses.

ANDREW

You got the best score we’ve ever had! The job is yours.

A wave of gratitude washes over Madison.

MADISON

That’s great, thank you!

ANDREW

I wanted to tell you sooner but I had to wait for everything to be verified – you know accountants! But it’s better this way because now I get to walk you to your new office.

MADISON

I get an office!

ANDREW

Yep, and we don’t hand them out to just everyone. Let’s go!

MADISON

Let’s!

Madison is on her feet faster this time as they parade back through the shared office space.

INT. MADISON’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Andrew throws open the door to a modest office, empty of everything but a desk, chair and computer. Madison pauses at the door, which reads ‘R. SCOTT, SENIOR ACCOUNTANT’.

ANDREW

Oh, we’ll get the name on the door changed.

MADISON

I’m just happy to have a door.

Madison practically runs a victory lap around the desk.

ANDREW

Here’s your confirmation letter. Hopefully you’ll find those numbers nice, too.

Madison scans the letters and reads the eye-popping salary.

MADISON

They’re very nice numbers.

ANDREW

Honestly, Madison, I think this is just the start for you. If you work as hard as you have these last five years, you can go as high here as you want.

Andrew leaves Madison, who is drinking it in. As Andrew is out of sight, Ian approaches.

IAN

It’s yours?

MADISON

Mine.

IAN

I’m so happy for you. Just remember I made you coffee when I didn’t have to.

MADISON

I will.

IAN

Your own office? Now you’ll never have a reason to leave.

Those words land hard with Madison.

3. Write the scene that introduces the other lead character.

INT. JOSE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

A small apartment with tapestries draped over the wall, and an easel crammed by fringed rug and thrift store chair. On a similarly worn sofa, sit JOSE, passionate, loyal and currently apprehensive and his manager, RAFAEL, driven, savvy and a natural cultivator.

JOSE

I know it’s just nerves, Raf, but I’m really feeling it right now.

Rafael broadcasts optimism to Jose.

RAFAEL

It would be weirder if you weren’t. No one has ever done this before. That’s what’s going to make you great.

JOSE

What if I freeze?

RAFAEL

Look around you. What do you see?

JOSE

Dishes that I need to do, dirty clothes that I should wash…

RAFAEL

I see canvas after canvas that you have turned from a bleak nothingness into beauty. And I see an artist who made it look easy.

JOSE

OK, I get the message. I still need to do my laundry, though.

RAFAEL

I can’t help you with that.

Jose fains disappointment.

JOSE

Yo’ve got me this far.

RAFAEL

And don’t you forget it!

They share a warm moment before Rafael stands.

RAFAEL (CONT’D)

I gotta make tracks. Hasta manana.

JOSE

Tomorrow. It’s ours.

Rafael waves as he shuts the door behind him.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Beat Sheet Draft 2

What I learned doing this assignment is… because it’s a romcom I had partially had to write in the antagonist’s arc anyway, but this has given me more food for thought and made Jose’s journey clearer. I also need to think about the proposal and their romantic life before that happens. Definitely an exercise worth doing!

1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio – DONE!

2. Use the High Speed Writing Rules as you do today’s assignment.

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3. Do Pass 1: Interweave theme throughout the beat sheet.

I think my theme is to do with being your authentic self – my protagonist wants to be something more than a ‘bean-counter’ (as one of my old department heads used to call the entire finance department!) and my antagonist finds fame and fortune when he drops his pretentiousness and embraces his authentic self (even if, at the start, this is only because the protag makes him angry). I definitely need to think about how I will build this into the supporting characters. It shouldn’t be too hard for the manager, but I’m still not clear on my protagonist’s supporting character yet, so I’ll have to give that some thought, and how they’ll slot into the theme.

4. Do Pass 2 : Build in the Antagonist Journey.

1. Jose is an artist, taking it to new levels of pretentiousness by trying to combine two art forms.

2. Madison disrupts this in a major way when she is locked in the puzzle room with Jose. He shows his contempt for her profession and they spar, even though they do actually work well together and exit the room.

3. Jose’s manager explains to him what a hit the performance was, and that they’ll both be rich and famous if he keeps working with Madison. Jose only wants two of those three things but makes the compromise. He has to win Madison over to keep his dream alive.

4. He further compromises by going on the road with Madison.

5. He confesses to Madison about the kind of show he would like to do. It’s not like what he does for money now.

6. Jose stands up to his manager and refuses to make a completely commercial work because there is a commission going. He wants to be rich and famous, but not that way. His manager fires him.

7. Jose supports Madison at her stand-up gig even when she bombs.

8. Jose goes back to his roots – literally his hometown – and ends up putting on his new show there.

9. Jose proposes to Madison, embracing both their flaws and their desire to live a creative life together.

If Jose is going to propose, they either need to seriously date, or have some kind of history. Maybe they used to date in High School but broke up when Madison moved away? That feels like too much of a coincidence but there does need to be something…

Int. MADISON’S WORK – DAY

Madison excelling at her boring accountant life. She is being given a promotion (so we know she is talented and special). She calls her bestie – who pleased but calls her boring? Says she’ll be stuck at the accountancy firm forever.

Ext. CAR DEALERSHIP – Day

Madison impulsively buying a bright red convertible to prove to people that she is exciting. The dealer asks what the occasion is and when she explains, he practically calls her boring too. She says the car was calling to her and that she isn’t boring, and does a voice where the car talks back and tells her it doesn’t let boring people drive it. Something like that.

Int. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

[Something else here that makes her realise she has to change. She goes to celebrate with her bestie and as they’re going out, some related child calls her boring or asks her if she wanted to be boring when she grew up? Then at the bar she also gets told she’s too hot to be an accountant because accountants are boring? Everyone knows that!]

Int. JOSE’S APARTMENT – Night

Jose is prepping for the next day. His manager is telling him what a triumph it will be – art in all it’s creative genius being laid bare for the YouTube generation to consume?

Int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Madison calls in a sick day. What is she up to?

Ext. streets – Later

Madison enjoying her new car, talking to it like a friend, and feeling crazy and spontaneous.

Int. puzzle rooms reception – Later

Madison greeted by reception, saying she’s always wanted to do something like this. They are rushing and not really listening to her. She is shoved into a room and the door locks. The receptionist then says ‘oops’ but can’t open the door.

Int. puzzle room – continuous

This will need to be intercut somehow – maybe with folks outside? – to stop it from getting too boring.

She meets Jose, who tells her to get out. She obviously can’t. He tells her about his project. She calls him pretentious. They waste a lot of time fighting, and then she basically tells him tell will end up locked in there unless he bucks his ideas up. He paints, refusing to work with her, and she solves the puzzles that he can’t.

She says that his work looks like he’s playing it safe.

int – puzzle room reception – Later

They emerge from the puzzle room to meet Jose’s manager, who spills the beans that the whole thing was livestreamed. Madison is even more furious, even though he says it was a hit.

Int. MADISON’S WORK – The next day

Madison goes into work, complete with accessories trying to show that she’s still sick. She receives a call (via switchboard) from Jose’s manager, who asks her to do another puzzle room. She says don’t call her again.

int. local news – That same night

Madison is having a TV dinner and sees footage of ‘Local Artist Jose and Mystery Woman’. Cuts to bestie, parents and her manager all watching with the same disbelief. [And the cute kid, if there is a cute kid in it.]

int. MADISON’S WORK – The next day

Madison goes into work and is promptly fired!

ext. streets – Day

Madison driving home with the car, asking the car how she’s going to pay for it.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

What is a non-creepy way for Jose’s manager to have tracked her down to speak to her again? Sure, he called the office and they said she was fired, but they wouldn’t give out her details. Probably need to set something up with Jose about a favorite coffee shop, or comfort food, or something like that. ???

He convinces her to do more puzzles and agrees to a 50% split, thinking it won’t last long. She says she doesn’t know how he can represent someone like Jose, and she’s only doing it because she got fired after just buying a sweet new ride so needs the money.

int. puzzle room 2 – Later

Madison and Jose do another puzzle room together. Sparks fly. Jose asks her about what she really wants to do and says now is the time.

int. arts college – Evening

Madison has secretly signed up to comedy writing classes/stand up.

int – puzzle room 3 – Day

Another puzzle room in the same city. Learning about each other and starting to laugh a little.

int. restuarant – Later

Madison and Jose are having a good time after finishing the room.

int – puzzle room 4 – Day

Jose spontaneously paints Madison.

int – restaurant – Later

Jose’s manager says that the fans are loving the new painting and there are lots of rumors. Madison isn’t that happy, though admits she likes the painting.

int. puzzle room 5 – Later

They are on the road together and doing their first puzzle room away from home.

int – arts college – Evening

Madison getting some feedback on her work.

int. puzzle room 6 – Later

Sparks fly during this session.

int – placeholder – Day

Madison’s bestie shows her all the speculation online about her and Jose. She says they’ve been getting on better but he’s still a pretentious douche. Someone films it and puts it on the internet, threatening the whole thing?

int. puzzle room 7 – Later

Another city, another puzzle room.

int. JOSE’S APARTMENT – Later

Jose sees the footage of Madison slating him after his manager calls to point it out. He’s upset but pretends he doesn’t care because he doesn’t like her anyway.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

Madison meets Jose (are they still on the tour?) to apologize. He says it stings so much because there’s some truth in it, but explains why he seeks validation. She tells him about how everyone always calls her boring. He talks about his professor and what she said when they broke up. They have a moment, or maybe even kiss? Jose also tells her about a new exhibition he’s working on?

Int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – The next day

Madison thinking about what happened with them the night before. She’s running numbers and trying to figure out whether or not to quit. She knows she can’t go back to being an accountant, and her bestie points out that no firm would hire her right now anyway. Can’t keep working with Jose but has no option.

int. art gallery – Day

Jose’s Manager has arranged a meeting with an important client. He asks Jose to do something totally out of character. Jose refuses. Manager and Client are not happy. After the client leaves, Jose gets fired.

int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – Later

Madison and Jose catch up. She supports his decision. Says she’s ready to try her stand-up routine and organizes a gig.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

I guess something needs to happen here before she actually does the gig? Another obstacle to getting there?

int. comedy club – Night

Madison does her first ever comedy club. No one comes along except Jose, who is really sweet to her when she bombs. Maybe everyone keeps heckling her about her relationship with him?

int. jose’s family home – Day

Madison and Jose head to his hometown to get away from the attention. He explains what’s happened and his family are really supportive of them both.

int. art gallery – Later

Jose’s new show opens in his hometime. Madison tries to get critics to come, but only local papers show up.

int. jose’s family home – Later

Jose asks Madison to do one last puzzle room. Says he’s got a sponsor lined up and they could both use the money and a win. She says OK.

int – puzzle room romance – Day

Madison goes into the puzzle room blindfolded. Jose is painting again. She realizes all the answers to the clues are linked their relationship. At the end Jose proposes, she says yes.

int. jose’s family home – Later

The family are celebrating and there is news that art critics are showing up in the small town and they are loving Jose’s show!

Int. placeholder – Day

Wedding time!

int. comedy club – Night

Madison is doing her new one-woman show at a fringe festival. She gets a standing ovation.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What I learned doing this assignment is… because of the groundwork I’ve laid in the previous assignments, getting this basic outline wasn’t so tough. It is only about half as many scenes as I need, and there’s still a bunch of stuff I don’t know, but that’s why screenwriting is a process, so I’m OK with that. It’s still progress!

1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio – DONE! :o)

2. Decide to intentionally use the High Speed Writing Rules throughout the rest of this program.

Rule 1: Understand writing in drafts.
Rule 2: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts.
Rule 3: Allow yourself to start (and continue) without all the
answers.
Rule 4: Use empowering self talk. Cheer yourself on.
Rule 5: Give yourself freedom to write without criticism.
Rule 6: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out.
Rule 7: if it doesn’t come to you, give it to your creative mind to
process.

I agree to intentionally use the high speed writing rules – done is WAY better than perfect (because perfect doesn’t exist!).

3. Use the High Speed Writing Rules as you create your Beat Sheet.

Pass 1: Organize your Structure and Transformational Events.
Pass 2: Add slug lines.
Pass 3: Add placeholders and additional scenes.

Int. MADISON’S WORK – DAY

Madison excelling at her boring accountant life. She is being given a promotion (so we know she is talented and special). She calls her bestie – who pleased but calls her boring? Says she’ll be stuck at the accountancy firm forever.

Ext. CAR DEALERSHIP – Day

Madison impulsively buying a bright red convertible to prove to people that she is exciting. The dealer asks what the occasion is and when she explains, he practically calls her boring too. She says the car was calling to her and that she isn’t boring, and does a voice where the car talks back and tells her it doesn’t let boring people drive it. Something like that.

Int. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

[Something else here that makes her realise she has to change. She goes to celebrate with her bestie and as they’re going out, some related child calls her boring or asks her if she wanted to be boring when she grew up? Then at the bar she also gets told she’s too hot to be an accountant because accountants are boring? Everyone knows that!]

Int. JOSE’S APARTMENT – Night

[Do I need a set up for Jose? He’s psyching himself up?]

Int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Madison calls in a sick day.

Ext. streets – Later

Madison enjoying her new car, talking to it like a friend, and feeling crazy and spontaneous.

Int. puzzle rooms reception – Later

Madison greeted by reception, saying she’s always wanted to do something like this. They are rushing and not really listening to her. She is shoved into a room and the door locks. The receptionist then says ‘oops’ but can’t open the door.

Int. puzzle room – continuous

This will need to be intercut somehow – maybe with folks outside? – to stop it from getting too boring.

She meets Jose, who tells her to get out. She obviously can’t. He tells her about his project. She calls him pretentious. They waste a lot of time fighting, and then she basically tells him tell will end up locked in there unless he bucks his ideas up. He paints, refusing to work with her, and she solves the puzzles that he can’t.

She says that his work looks like he’s playing it safe.

int – puzzle room reception – Later

They emerge from the puzzle room to meet Jose’s manager, who spills the beans that the whole thing was livestreamed. Madison is even more furious, even though he says it was a hit.

Int. MADISON’S WORK – The next day

Madison goes into work, complete with accessories trying to show that she’s still sick. She receives a call (via switchboard) from Jose’s manager, who asks her to do another puzzle room. She says don’t call her again.

int. local news – That same night

Madison is having a TV dinner and sees footage of ‘Local Artist Jose and Mystery Woman’. Cuts to bestie, parents and her manager all watching with the same disbelief. [And the cute kid, if there is a cute kid in it.]

int. MADISON’S WORK – The next day

Madison goes into work and is promptly fired!

ext. streets – Day

Madison driving home with the car, asking the car how she’s going to pay for it.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

What is a non-creepy way for Jose’s manager to have tracked her down to speak to her again? Sure, he called the office and they said she was fired, but they wouldn’t give out her details. Probably need to set something up with Jose about a favorite coffee shop, or comfort food, or something like that. ???

He convinces her to do more puzzles and agrees to a 50% split, thinking it won’t last long. She says she doesn’t know how he can represent someone like Jose, and she’s only doing it because she got fired after just buying a sweet new ride so needs the money.

int. puzzle room 2 – Later

Madison and Jose do another puzzle room together. Sparks fly. Jose asks her about what she really wants to do and says now is the time.

int. arts college – Evening

Madison has secretly signed up to comedy writing classes/stand up.

int – puzzle room 3 – Day

Another puzzle room in the same city. Learning about each other and starting to laugh a little.

int. restuarant – Later

Madison and Jose are having a good time after finishing the room.

int – puzzle room 4 – Day

Jose spontaneously paints Madison.

int – restaurant – Later

Jose’s manager says that the fans are loving the new painting and there are lots of rumors. Madison isn’t that happy, though admits she likes the painting.

int – arts college – Evening

Madison getting some feedback on her work.

int – placeholder – Day

Madison’s bestie shows her all the speculation online about her and Jose. She says they’ve been getting on better but he’s still a pretentious douche. Someone films it and puts it on the internet, threatening the whole thing?

int. JOSE’S APARTMENT – Later

Jose sees the footage of Madison slating him after his manager calls to point it out. He’s upset but pretends he doesn’t care because he doesn’t like her anyway.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

Madison meets Jose (maybe at the comfort food cafe?) to apologize. He says it stings so much because there’s some truth in it, but explains why he seeks validation. She tells him about how everyone always calls her boring. He talks about his professor and what she said when they broke up. They have a moment, or maybe even kiss? Jose also tells her about a new exhibition he’s working on?

Int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – The next day

Madison thinking about what happened with them the night before. She’s running numbers and trying to figure out whether or not to quit. She knows she can’t go back to being an accountant, and her bestie points out that no firm would hire her right now anyway. Can’t keep working with Jose but has no option.

int. art gallery – Day

Jose’s Manager has arranged a meeting with an important client. He asks Jose to do something totally out of character. Jose refuses. Manager and Client are not happy. After the client leaves, Jose gets fired.

int. MADISON’S APARTMENT – Later

Madison and Jose catch up. She supports his decision. Says she’s ready to try her stand-up routine and organizes a gig.

int. PLACEHOLDER – Later

I guess something needs to happen here before she actually does the gig? Another obstacle to getting there?

int. comedy club – Night

Madison does her first ever comedy club. No one comes along except Jose, who is really sweet to her when she bombs. Maybe everyone keeps heckling her about her relationship with him?

int. jose’s family home – Day

Madison and Jose head to his hometown to get away from the attention. He explains what’s happened and his family are really supportive of them both.

int. art gallery – Later

Jose’s new show opens in his hometime. Madison tries to get critics to come, but only local papers show up.

int. jose’s family home – Later

Jose asks Madison to do one last puzzle room. Says he’s got a sponsor lined up and they could both use the money and a win. She says OK.

int – puzzle room romance – Day

Madison goes into the puzzle room blindfolded. Jose is painting again. She realizes all the answers to the clues are linked their relationship. At the end Jose proposes, she says yes.

int. jose’s family home – Later

The family are celebrating and there is news that art critics are showing up in the small town and they are loving Jose’s show!

Int. placeholder – Day

Wedding time!

int. comedy club – Night

Madison is doing her new one-woman show at a fringe festival. She gets a standing ovation.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Transformational Events

What I learned doing this assignment is… Step by step makes it work, and makes it easier to lead up to the biggest actions in the movie. It also builds the world and makes it seem less ridiculous when the big things do happen, because the characters and the audience will be prepared for them (even if they think they’re not!)

1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio. – DONE, still love it!

2. Start with the Character Arc and the list of Old Ways and New Ways.

Madison:

An accountant fed up of being called boring proves there’s more to her when she embraces stand-up comedy. After taking a sickie to go to a puzzle room, she is fired when she gets locked in the wrong room and the whole event is livestreamed. Madison connects deeply with fellow risk-taker Jose, and their budding romance gives Madison the confidence to perform and own her creativity.

Jose:

A struggling artist learns to redefine success through human connection, not critical acclaim. His unlikely collaboration and romance with Madison grounds him in valuing personal fulfilment over egotism. By forgiving his doubters, Jose finds inspiration for meaningful, authentic work – which gives him the acclaim and money he’s been seeking.

Old Ways: Madison: Accountant, playing it safe, being unfulfilled and unhappy.
Jose: Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations and making it on his own as an artist.

New Ways: Madison: Embracing creativity and happiness, herself and the love of Jose.

Jose: Accepting his own creative vision, the ability to make mistakes, valuing both himself and Madison as true artists.

3. Make a list of 6 – 8 changes or steps that need to happen for that character to go from who they are in the beginning (Old Ways) to who they are in the ending (New Ways).

Madison:

Be more spontaneous, or rather, be less “boring”

Get out of her comfort zone

Embrace her creativity

Learn stand up comedy

Try (and fail!) stand up comedy

Try (and fail!) to be loved by a creative person (Jose)

Finally accept herself and Jose’s love for her

Jose:

Be less worried about what other people think of his art

Earn money from his art

Not be afraid to fail if people don’t agree with his creative vision

Accept that not every creative person does that full time

Forgive those who hurt him

4. Sequence the steps from easiest to most difficult. This will imply the journey the character takes.

For Madison:

1. She impulsively buys a bright red convertible to prove people she is exciting.

2. At the puzzle room, she solves complex puzzles even Jose can’t, proving her intelligence.

3. On the livestream, she jokes with Jose, showing her spontaneity.

4. She gets fired after her boss sees the livestream, forcing her to take a risk and keep working with Jose.

5. Inspired by Jose, she signs up for a comedy writing class to hone her skills.

6. She travels with Jose to new cities to do puzzle rooms there, living an adventure.

7. She tries out her stand-up routine for the first time, and bombs in front of Jose.

8. After refining her routine, she performs a killer stand-up routine at a popular comedy club, fully owning her comedic talents.

For Jose:

1. He plays it safe for the livestream, not showing his real work.

2. Stuck in another room with Madison, he spontaneously paints her, fuelling rumours among his followers.

3. After Madison calls him pretentious, he opens up to Madison about his professor’s damaging critique and the reason he’s seeking so much validation for his art.

4. He starts to plan his own intimate art show focused on meaning.

5. He turns down a lucrative commissioned project, refusing to compromise for money.

6. After his agent fires him, he returns to his hometown with Madison and visits his family for inspiration.

7. They help him put on the personal art show anyway – the centrepiece being a portrait of Madison.

8. He risks everything and proposes to Madison.

5. Brainstorm dramatic events or tests that could cause those changes for the character.

I think it kinda incorporated that into number 3 – oops!

6. Add these transformational events to your four act structure.

Act 1:

Opening: Madison excelling at her boring accountant life. Showing
her itch for something more by impulsively buying a bright red convertible
to prove to people that she is exciting. <div>

Inciting Incident: She takes a sick day and ends up locked in the
puzzle room with Jose. Madison solves puzzles that Jose can’t, while he plays
it safe with the work her creates.

Turning Point: She is fired from her job after they see the
livestream.

Act 2:

New plan: Manager convinces Madison to do another show/puzzle room. </div>

Plan in action: They are both a nightmare for each other but do
puzzle rooms in several cities. Jose spontaneously paints Madison,
fuelling rumours among his followers.
Madison start taking classes on stand up and comedy writing.
After Madison calls Jose pretentious, he opens up to Madison about
his professor’s damaging critique and the reason he’s seeking so much
validation for his art.

Midpoint Turning Point: They have gone viral and everyone is
speculating about whether or not they will get together.

<div>

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Madison knows she can’t go back to being an
accountant but can’t bear to go on working with Jose.</div><div>

New plan: Jose turns down a lucrative commissioned project,
refusing to compromise for money.
His manager then fires him because of it, as well as finding out that
Jose has been planning a different type of exhibit.
Madison wants to try stand up comedy.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: She bombs at her first
gig but Jose is there for her.

Act 4:

They both head to Jose’s hometown and his family help him put on
the show he wants to. They’re also really supportive of Madison. </div>

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: She agrees to do one
more puzzle room with Jose for money and he proposes.

Resolution: She says yes and they support each other as artists.
Jose’s authentic show wins critical acclaim and Madison performs at
a fringe festival, winning new fans.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is… The 4 Act structure will stop the screenplay from sagging in the middle. I’ve always loved to have a structure in place when writing (it’s the project manager in me!) but this is almost a ‘tighter’ structure and it helps define the story without getting too bogged down in the details at this stage.

Room of Love

1. Give us the following:

Concept: An accountant trying to prove to herself that she isn’t boring takes a sickie from work to go to a puzzle room, only to find herself accidentally locked in with an artist who is livestreaming the whole thing to build his profile.

Main Conflict: Can they both change their careers and accept each other’s love?

Old Ways: Madison: Accountant, playing it safe, being unfulfilled and unhappy.
Jose: Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations and making it on his own as an artist.

New Ways: Madison: Embracing creativity and happiness, herself and the love of Jose.

Jose: Accepting his own creative vision, the ability to make mistakes, valuing both himself and Madison as true artists.

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening: Madison excelling at her boring accountant life.

Inciting Incident: She takes a sick day and ends up locked in the
puzzle room with Jose.

Turning Point: She is fired from her job after they see the
livestream.

Act 2:

New plan: Manager convinces Madison to do another show/puzzle room.

Plan in action: They are both a nightmare for each other but do
puzzle rooms in several cities.

Midpoint Turning Point: They have gone viral and everyone is
speculating about whether or not they will get together.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Madison knows she can’t go back to being an
accountant but can’t bear to go on working with Jose.
New plan: She wants to try stand up comedy.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: She bombs at her first
gig but Jose is there for her.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: She agrees to do one
more puzzle room with Jose for money and he proposes.

Resolution: She says yes and they support each other as artists.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Character Interviews

What I learned doing this assignment is… That while I was a bit reluctant to do this, it’s actually been quite helpful in making me think through the characters motivations and making them into more 3D people, with flaws and contradictions.

1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio. – DONE

2. Pull out the character profiles for your protagonist and antagonist.

3. Then interview each character, knowing that they will answer any questions you ask. As you interview them, allow them to tell you their experience.

I’m writing a romcom, so both my lead characters are antagonist and protagonist, so I thought I’d better do them both to get to know them both better.

Protagonist Questions – Madison

<div>
</div>

Tell me about yourself.

What do you want to know? I’m Madison, I live in Miami. I’m an accountant living in an arts city, and I do what lots of people consider to be the most boring job imaginable.

<div>
</div>

Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

I guess part of it was being in the right place at the right time. But how did I get there? I started to write stand-up comedy after everyone told me I was boring. I watched a lot of stand-up comics in my early teens, and really loved it, but that passion got lost among all the studying for accountancy exams, and school. I went to a show recently with a friend (who often calls me boring) and realised what I’d been missing out on. I wanted to reignite that creative spark, and ended up locked in a puzzle room with Jose!

<div>
</div>

You are up against Jose. What is it about them that makes this
journey even more difficult for you?

Everything! He’s pretentious, an attention hog, always performing to someone. I don’t know if he even believes half of what he says sometimes. In most imaginable ways, we are opposite.

<div>
</div>

In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to
step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which
of them will be the most difficult?

The first change I had to make was working with Jose. Then when I found out he’d been live-streaming the whole thing I was even more furious – and with the girl who put me into the room. I did consider suing for a second but she looked so upset. Jose’s manager convinced me to keep working for Jose because of the money – if I can build up a nest egg through this, I can quit my job sooner and then concentrate more on my comedy and not have to be an accountant anymore. I’ll have to change my mindset – I love having a regular wage – and I will need to really dig deep when I start performing, but it will be worth it.

<div>
</div>

What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult
to let go of?

The analyst and numerate side of me, and the beliefs that have become ingrained because of other people repeatedly telling me them. That accountants are boring, that I’m boring, that I can’t be creative.

<div>
</div>

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

I was scared of letting my parents down – they always wanted what was best for me, and in a lot of ways, being an accountant is best for me. But the novelty has worn off, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I was ahead of all my friends in making money, but they’re starting to catch me up and they all seem happier in their careers. I feel stuck with my job and with the reputation I’ve got of being called boring. I didn’t use to be boring, I’m sure.

I’ve had boyfriends before, longer term, but it never worked out. The last three I’ve had have dumped me after about 6 months and have all said that I’m too boring. That really hurts. Two of them didn’t even cheat on me, but just dumped me because I was boring.

<div>
</div>

What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face
this conflict or antagonist?

It’s more my future that makes me ready to face a life with Jose. I’ve known arty people before and got along well with them, but was pushed into the corporate world of accountancy by my parents then drawn in by money. In some ways, my corporate background gives me business sense that Jose doesn’t have, and also my sense of humour is needed as an antidote to Jose’s pretentiousness.

<div>
</div>

What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want
them to know?

I’m scared of letting Jose see the real me because I think he’ll think I’m boring (like everyone else has). I’m scared of everyone else seeing how I feel about Jose because they want me to have a nice secure life as an accountant and would not want me to be with an artist.

<div>
</div>

What do you think of Jose?

At what point in time? At first, I thought he was a giant douchebag, super pretentious and kinda uptight. Then he had to ask for my help and I got to know him a bit better, and found out that some of that is an act. I see that there’s more to him now and he’s helped me be honest with myself about my own desire to perform and be creative. I don’t think I’ll keep doing the puzzle rooms with him forever, but I can see a personal future for us.

<div>
</div>

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

It all started when I took a sickie from work to go to the puzzle room. Yes, it’s logic and reason, but that’s different from accounting and it’s also creative thinking. Instead of getting teamed up with a bunch of people and doing a normal room, I got locked in with the douchebag version of Jose. I guess he was nervous doing the performance for the first time but he was a real pain in the ass. Then when I got out of the room his manager told me the whole thing had been livestreamed.

Then I got fired.

Then Jose flopped when he did a room on his own, so his manager persuaded me to work on another room with him. I had to talk him up to a 50% cut though, it was insulting. Plus I need the money because I have a ton of debt and haven’t managed my finances well.

So we got thrown into this confined space and I guess we worked out a few issues. His manager then suggested taking it on tour, so we spent more time together and I discovered that Jose is actually really thoughtful and intelligent and really is a true artist.

No one approved of what I was doing, but all the time I spent travelling gave me time to work on my stand-up, though admittedly that was harder now I was a little bit famous. I can’t believe someone recognised me at my first gig. I guess that might not have happened if Jose hadn’t been there too, but he was trying to support me, so I forgive him.

Then it looked like the idiot was going to go completely backwards and start dating his college professor again – the woman who completely broke his heart – but thankfully his manager made him see sense.

Not long after that, we got together, which made absolutely no sense. It felt completely right though. Then on Valentine’s Day we did a puzzle together and he proposed. I said yes!

<div>
</div>

What does it do for your life if you succeed here?

If I succeed here, I have a chance to change everything. I will be loved by an amazing artist who will appreciate my creativity and won’t call me boring, and I will have a life full of love, acceptance and will be living up to my potential.

<div>
</div>

Ask any other questions about their character profile that will
help you.

Antagonist Questions – Jose

<div>
</div>

Tell me about yourself.

I’m Jose, I’ve lived in Miami all my life and I’m an artist. I’m lucky to have come from a large, loving family that was well off enough that I could study art and pursue something I loved. All my siblings are more successful than me, and I think I’m actually a bit of a disappointment to my parents. I know they support me doing something I love and they definitely want me to be happy but I know they would want me to be successful too – at least, more successful than I am at the moment.

<div>
</div>

Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and
weaknesses?

I’m very exacting about certain things, which is both a strength and a weakness. I have a certain vision for what I want to do and that’s what I have to be true to. My weakness is my current position within my career, it’s precarious and I don’t want to end up working as a barista. I’m determined, and that is definitely a strength.

<div>
</div>

Why are you committed to making Madison change?

Although I was hugely annoyed to have some random woman locked in the room with me, I immediately noticed that she did have some kind of spark. She was annoying and very disrespectful of my art and my process, but once I got to know her, I understood more about her motivation and her desire to change and actually be a creative person too, which she is. I can’t let her go back to being an wage-slave accountant. The world needs creative people and it also needs to laugh.

<div>
</div>

What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan
/ taking down your competition?

I get to be an artist in my own right. I get to be loved by an amazing woman that also lets me be my own artist, instead of getting all up in my vision and messing around with my plans. I get my life back, but better, because Madison is now part of it.

<div>
</div>

What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of
danger, ruin, or death?

My mission is to stay away from danger, ruin and death! I need to prove myself to my parents and to my ex (college professor who said I was talentless). I need to prove myself to all the people that believed in me and backed me as well. Art is a really subjective thing and I know I’ll never please everyone, but I do need enough acclaim to validate my talent and keep a roof over my head.

<div>
</div>

What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you
keep out of fear / insecurity?

I need to keep a lot of secrets to succeed, especially from Madison. I need to not let her know how amazing she is, or she’ll desert the puzzle room tour and I won’t be successful. I don’t want her to know that I like maths, otherwise she’ll try and recruit me to be an accountant. I have to keep the secret of my college professor because, well, what if it is true?

What if the only talent I have is in my looks and my pants? What if I’m not actually cut out to be an artist at all? Then what? My whole life so far has been a waste and has led up to nothing.

<div>
</div>

Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I have the talent and the grit it takes to do this. I’ll compromise to get my art out there – I’ll even work with Madison. While I have had times when I’ve felt like a tortured artist, I refuse to be a stereotype. I’m also Latino, which brings a different perspective to my art. There aren’t enough contemporary Latino artists out there, and I want our voice to be heard.

<div>
</div>

What do you think of Madison?

I love her, now. Initially I didn’t. It’s not that I hated her, although I hated the circumstance that we met. As soon as I watched back some of the footage from the performance, I could see that she really had something. I guess I just didn’t notice it at first because I was so focussed on making my art and my performance. She is just as creative as I am, in a different medium, and I’m determined to spend the rest of my life making her value that. She is not boring!

<div>
</div>

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

So, there I am, ready to start the most important part of my career to date, and in walks this buttoned up office worker. Distracting? Just a bit. Does she acknowledge that? Nope.

OK, so I wasn’t completely honest with her about the livestreaming, but how was I supposed to predict that she’d get fired? I didn’t know the whole thing would explode in the way it did, and I really did apologise to her sincerely once I’d calmed down.

The next show I did bombed, and then somehow my manager got her to show up to the next one. Somehow we worked well together, and the ratings improved. I got another sponsor. After our third show together, my manager suggested that we take the show on the road, as there were loads of fans that wanted to meet us, and loads of room designers that wanted us to work their rooms.

I got to know Madison better and found out that she’s not just some office drone, she is genuinely funny and loveable. And I thought I was falling for her, but then my ex/college professor showed up, and was really good to me, and something about that whole relationship just felt right. There were lots of doors that she could open for me that I’d really like to walk through.

But Madison reminded me about how it ended before, which was painful, and she made me realise that we’re not made to go back, we’re meant to go forward. Especially as an artist, I have to live and grow and evolve, and you don’t do that by going back to a fling you had when you were 20.

Now I’m supporting Madison and she’s supporting me, and we’re together but professionally separate and we’re both doing amazing. I proposed to her during the Valentine’s Day puzzle room, and I can’t wait to start our new life together.

4. Add any new info to your Character Profiles and share with us what discovered about the characters.

Madison

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Jose. <div>

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. No preference for
ethnicity. Has not long finished her accountancy qualifications and is
finding it well-paid but boring. Did enjoy it to begin with, but life has
thrown her curveballs that she can’t help but laugh at, and she wants to
share that with the world through her comedy.

Internal Journey: trying to prove to herself that she isn’t just a
boring accountant, no matter what all her friends and family say.

External Journey: embraces her creative side as well as her analytical
side and launches her risky stand-up comedy career.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and living a more fulfilling life.
Embracing her life as a creative performer.

Wound: All three of her serious boyfriends have dumped her because
they said she was boring.

Mission/Agenda: To prove to the world that accountants can be fun
too! She is creative and that can be used to make money, as well as living
a fulfilling life.

Secret: In the last round of promotions, she copied someone’s idea
because she’s actually terrible at managing her own money and needed the
promotion.

What makes them special? The diligence that she learned as an accountant
– paying attention to detail and making sure things add up, which hide her
wildly creative imagination and humor.

What draws us to this character? She is an underdog – trying to
break out of the boring accountant mold and prove people wrong who dismissed
her as boring.

Traits: Meticulous, analytical, dry wit, secretly creative, clumsy,
observant

Subtext: Rebel – she feels confined by others’ limited perceptions
of her and wants to change that.

Flaw: Perfectionist – Gets frustrated when things don’t go exactly
as planned and this is where her creative struggle comes from.
Values: Justice, independence, creativity, friendship

Irony: The accountant who secretly wishes to be a comedian
What makes this the right character for this role? Her quest to
prove she’s not boring fits well with a comedic role.

Jose

<div>
</div>

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Madison.

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. Latin American.

Internal Journey: validating who he is as a person and the choices
he’s made so far in his life, rejecting the ‘starving artist’ stereotype.

External Journey: becomes somewhat famous as an artist, but because
of his company in the escape rooms, not just because of his performance
art and the work he creates. Has to be OK with it not just being his raw
talent.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and being a huge success. Moving forward
in life and in his art.

Wound: After college, he dated his tutor, who during the breakup
told him she’d only passed him so that she could sleep with him.

Mission/Agenda: To prove that artists can be rich and successful
and there is room for many of them. To be a role model for Latino artists.

Secret: Loved maths at school, and loves watching soaps.

What makes them special? He has to have a vast network to sell his
art, but he is a truly steadfast and caring friend for the few people he
really loves and trusts.
What draws us to this character? His talent and creativity as an
artist is attractive and we want to see him succeed. We root for him as he
tries to break the starving artist stereotype.

Traits: Charming, passionate, impatient, loyal, competitive
Subtext: Craves validation and fame but also meaningful connections

Flaw: Stubborn – doesn’t like to change his mind or compromise and
dresses it up as artistic integrity.

Values: Success, fame, friendship, artistry and creativity

Irony: The artistic heartthrob who loves math and soaps. Also that
he wants to succeed on his own but his best shot is to pair up with an
accountant.

What makes this the right character for this role? His drive to
succeed paired with a hidden dorky side that Madison will love.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Character Profile Part 2

What I learned doing this assignment is… firstly, I am really digging the empowerment audio!

Secondly, these character profiles are really useful! I’ve resisted doing lots of these in the past because it’s felt like procrastination to be writing about a character’s third birthday party when it has no relation to the script. I can’t remember who said it, but the screenplay is supposed to be about the most interesting period of a person’s life – so why waste time thinking about and writing all the boring stuff?

But these are all really relevant to the screenplay and will actually help me to write the screenplay, and I can definitely get on board with that. Writing it down like this also helps make the characters more complex, as I can ‘bake in’ some contradictions to their nature and make them ‘just like a real boy’.

1. Listen to the 3 minute Empowerment Audio. – DONE. I love this!

2. Fill in Part 2 of the character Profile for your two lead characters.

Madison:

<div>
</div>

What draws us to this character? She is an underdog – trying to
break out of the boring accountant mold and prove people wrong who
dismissed her as boring.

Traits: Meticulous, analytical, dry wit, secretly creative, clumsy,
observant

Subtext: Rebel – she feels confined by others’ limited perceptions
of her and wants to change that.

Flaw: Perfectionist – Gets frustrated when things don’t go exactly
as planned and this is where her creative struggle comes from.

Values: Justice, independence, creativity, friendship

Irony: The accountant who secretly wishes to be a comedian

What makes this the right character for this role? Her quest to
prove she’s not boring fits well with a comedic role.

Jose:

What draws us to this character? His talent and creativity as an
artist is attractive and we want to see him succeed. We root for him as he
tries to break the starving artist stereotype. <div>

Traits: Charming, passionate, impatient, loyal, competitive

Subtext: Craves validation and fame but also meaningful connections

Flaw: Stubborn – doesn’t like to change his mind or compromise and
dresses it up as artistic integrity.

Values: Success, fame, friendship, artistry and creativity

Irony: The artistic heartthrob who loves math and soaps. Also that
he wants to succeed on his own but his best shot is to pair up with an
accountant.

What makes this the right character for this role? His drive to
succeed paired with a hidden dorky side that Madison will love.

3. Make any improvements you think of to your Part 1 profile and bring the two parts together.

Madison

<div>
</div>

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Jose.

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. No preference for
ethnicity. Has not long finished her accountancy qualifications and is
finding it well-paid but boring. Did enjoy it to begin with, but life has
thrown her curveballs that she can’t help but laugh at, and she wants to
share that with the world through her comedy.

Internal Journey: trying to prove to herself that she isn’t just a
boring accountant, no matter what all her friends and family say.

External Journey: embraces her creative side as well as her
analytical side and launches her risky stand-up comedy career.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and living a more fulfilling life.

Wound: All three of her serious boyfriends have dumped her because
they said she was boring.

Mission/Agenda: To prove to the world that accountants can be fun
too!
Secret: In the last round of promotions, she copied someone’s idea
because she’s actually terrible at managing her own money and needed the
promotion.

What makes them special? The diligence that she learned as an
accountant – paying attention to detail and making sure things add up,
which hide her wildly creative imagination and humor.

What draws us to this character? She is an underdog – trying to
break out of the boring accountant mold and prove people wrong who
dismissed her as boring.

Traits: Meticulous, analytical, dry wit, secretly creative, clumsy,
observant

Subtext: Rebel – she feels confined by others’ limited perceptions
of her and wants to change that.

Flaw: Perfectionist – Gets frustrated when things don’t go exactly
as planned and this is where her creative struggle comes from.

Values: Justice, independence, creativity, friendship

Irony: The accountant who secretly wishes to be a comedian

What makes this the right character for this role? Her quest to
prove she’s not boring fits well with a comedic role.

Jose

<div>
</div>

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Madison.

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. Latin American.

Internal Journey: validating who he is as a person and the choices
he’s made so far in his life, rejecting the ‘starving artist’ stereotype.

External Journey: becomes somewhat famous as an artist, but because
of his company in the escape rooms, not just because of his performance
art and the work he creates. Has to be OK with it not just being his raw
talent.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and being a huge success.

Wound: After college, he dated his tutor, who during the breakup told
him she’d only passed him so that she could sleep with him.

Mission/Agenda: To prove that artists can be rich and successful and
there is room for many of them.

Secret: Loved maths at school, and loves watching soaps.

What makes them special? He has to have a vast network to sell his
art, but he is a truly steadfast and caring friend for the few people he
really loves and trusts.

What draws us to this character? His talent and creativity as an
artist is attractive and we want to see him succeed. We root for him as he
tries to break the starving artist stereotype.

Traits: Charming, passionate, impatient, loyal, competitive
Subtext: Craves validation and fame but also meaningful connections

Flaw: Stubborn – doesn’t like to change his mind or compromise and
dresses it up as artistic integrity.

Values: Success, fame, friendship, artistry and creativity

Irony: The artistic heartthrob who loves math and soaps. Also that
he wants to succeed on his own but his best shot is to pair up with an
accountant.

What makes this the right character for this role? His drive to
succeed paired with a hidden dorky side that Madison will love.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Rewritten Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is… That I’ve had trouble with some of the setup/payoff because I haven’t been clear enough with the backstory. Although for these assignments we’re just writing one scene, there has to be enough information in it about the stakes, the characters situations, etc. That has to be present without it turning into an essay.

LOGLINE: John is old friends with Arin, who is currently dating Nick. John did like Nick, but gets evidence he’s been cheating on Arin.

ESSENCE: Effectively, “bros before hos” but in this case the ‘bro’ is a woman and the ‘ho’ is Nick.

SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy (John) must get certain info from the bad guy (Nick) before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

John:

Traits

– Daring, Distrustful (of people in general), Loyal (friends forever to those he does love), Loner

John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.

Nick:

Traits

– Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, Giving

Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

I thought I would change this so that they’re finishing a meal together, rather than just having drinks. Nick would feel more comfortable opening up to John if they’ve just eaten together and had a few drinks, and I also then wanted the ‘other woman’ to join them at the table. Nick can then leave with her, as Arin arrives and catches him red-handed. BUT I need to get some humour into it somewhere…

· As Nick is leaving, the woman he’s been sleeping with gets her heels stuck in the decorative outdoor decking and falls into the fountain, exposing that she’s wearing lingerie under her dress.

· The woman’s significant other also shows up, so now Nick is caught by both Arin and the woman’s partner.

SCENE:

INT. COUNTRY CLUB LOUNGE – AFTERNOON

John and Nick sit together at a large table, as the waitress takes away their plates, weaving through the elegant room. The atmosphere exudes sophistication and exclusivity, as the patrons do.

Nick, confident, handsome and revelling in the role of bad boy, eyes the waitress as she walks away. John, loyal to those he trusts, rolls his eyes at how obvious it is and remembers why he doesn’t do this much. But he has digging to do.

JOHN
You were right, Nick, this place is something else.

NICK
Best sirloin for a hundred miles!

JOHN
How’d you get in here though? Didn’t have you down as a country club boy.

NICK
Let’s say the owner uses my services. We should come back next week, bring some friends, have a real party.

JOHN
I’d rather keep things small. …And I wouldn’t want to impose. After all, you’re the one supplying the services, not me.

NICK
You’re my fiancee’s bestie, we’re practically family. Besides, I love the way some of these uptight snobs look at me.

Nick blows a kiss to one of the OLDER PATRONS who is regarding him with sour contempt.

JOHN
Not sure whether I’m flattered or offended that you think they’ll see me the same way.

NICK
Be flattered!

Nick leans in to John, conspiratorially.

NICK (CONT’D)
There’s a lot of things money can’t buy, if you get my meaning.

JOHN
You sleep with these women?

Nick remembers who he’s talking to.

NICK
They just need some company… If it was a mutual thing, you know, er… Some of them are single, some of their husbands leave them for months at a time.

Nick eyes the women walking past the windows in their tennis outfits.

JOHN
You like the tennis girls, huh?

NICK
I like the outfits. I’d love to get Arin in one.

JOHN
Gross. You know she’s more like a sister to me. Anyway, judo’s more her thing.

NICK
Oh yeah, I know. It’s so hot! Not the outfit, but the…

Nick waves his arms around, ineptly imitating the martial art, before becoming distracted by a passing woman in a revealing top.

JOHN
(raising an eyebrow)
Always got your eyes open, right?

NICK
Why not appreciate the beauty in the world? Speaking of which, here comes dessert.

JOHN
You’re full of it. Confidence, I mean. What’s your secret?

NICK
Just charm and finesse. These folks need to loosen up and I have a gift for saying the right things at the right time.

JOHN
(teasing)
So, lies? I see.

Nick chuckles, taking a sip of his cocktail.

NICK
Not lies, not really. It’s just understanding what women want and giving it to them.

JOHN
(raising his glass)
Well, here’s to you, Nick. May your charm never fail you.

They clink their glasses, with camaraderie and underlying tension, as the waitress supplies their dessert.

NICK
You gotta taste this.

As they take the first bite of dessert, EMERY, a clumsy, rich woman in a long dress, enters the room, and waves at Nick as she makes a beeline for him. As she does so, she knocks a waiter’s tray over, and the whole room turn to look at the disruption.

EMERY
Hi Nick.

She takes a seat without asking.

EMERY (CONT’D)
Can’t wait to pick up where we left off last night…

Nick’s gaze shifts nervously, and he takes a moment to collect himself.

NICK
I don’t know what you mean. And didn’t I tell you I was busy tonight?

EMERY
I got a message from front desk saying your plans had changed.

Emery opens her purse to retrieve the message, and the whole thing flies across the dinner table, revealing an intriguing array of contents, from lipstick to panties and everything in between.

A waiter helps return Emery’s belongings to her as John looks shocked.

NICK
Emery, this is John, he’s Arin’s best friend, you remember, my fiancée?

Emery realises her indiscretion.

EMERY
Oh yes! Hello, darling. Nick and I go way back too. Arin is very lucky.

JOHN
So, how exactly do you know Nick?

NICK
We do business sometimes.

JOHN
You do business?

EMERY
Oh yes, my husband is in the import-export game, so he’s away a lot and Nick sometimes helps out.

John doesn’t need to vocalise his accusation.

NICK
She means in the office.

EMERY
Oh yes, in the office. Anyway, I realize now I’m interrupting you boys-

JOHN
It’s alright, we just have dessert to finish. Stay and have a coffee with us. Or maybe a little dessert too?

NICK
No, no, Emery has to go. I’ll walk her to her car. Excuse me.

They stand and start towards the door, as John checks the time.

Emery bumps another waiter, then turns into Nick, who steps on her dress, which trips the waiter. Her dress tears almost clean off, leaving her standing there in her lingerie, flabbergasted, with Nick’s hands on her chest, steadying himself.

Several people appear at the doorway, having heard yet another tray fall.

ARIN cuts a slender muscular figure in the doorway. She is tenacious and smart, and her eyes narrow, a mix of curiosity and suspicion.

NICK
Arin! Always good to see you.

Nick quickly removes his hands from Emery’s chest, his charm fading. Arin doesn’t look much for talking.

Arin remains calm, but her disappointment shows. Then she acts, swiftly, and she takes him down with a judo move, timing it perfectly to catch the passing waiters and covering Nick in a fancy feast.

[Joy Smith]

So… I am stupidly behind, but determined to work through and finish the course. I can still learn from reading other people’s feedback, and the reality is that I’m learning a system that I will most likely have to use on my own to improve my own writing, so the objective hasn’t changed, I’ll just be lonely!

I used to say that I had a quiet life, and I thought 2022 was crazy, but 2023 has taken it to the next level. Definitely the tortoise and not the hare this time, but I am determined to finish.

Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #2 Scene

What I learned doing this assignment was… well, it was more of a nickel dropping in relation to the writing assignments class. Hal said in the lesson that we should keep practicing, and I realised that while I am writing scenes, I should be writing them in my specialism. So this is going to be a romcom!

LOGLINE: John is old friends with Arin, who is currently dating Nick. John did like Nick, but thinks he’s been cheating on Arin.

ESSENCE: Effectively, “bros before hos” but in this case the ‘bro’ is a woman and the ‘ho’ is Nick.

SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

John:

Traits

– Daring, Distrustful (of people in general), Loyal (friends forever to those he does love), Loner

John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.

Nick:

Traits

– Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, Giving

Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

SCENE:

INT. COUNTRY CLUB LOUNGE – AFTERNOON

John sits comfortably in a plush armchair, sipping on a glass of scotch, while Nick, in a dapper suit, surveys the room filled with elegantly dressed men. The atmosphere exudes sophistication and exclusivity.

JOHN
You were right, Nick, this place is something else.

Nick eyes the women walking past the windows in their tennis outfits.

NICK
Especially during tennis season, am I right?

Nick raises a hand to high-five John, who meets his hand less enthusiastically.

JOHN
You like the tennis girls, huh?

NICK
I like the outfits. I’d love to get Arin in one.

JOHN
Gross. She’s like a sister to me. Anyway, judo’s more her thing.

NICK
Oh yeah, I know. It’s so hot! Not the outfit, but the…

Nick waves his arms around, ineptly imitating the martial art, before becoming distracted by a passing woman in a revealing top.

JOHN
(raising an eyebrow)
Always got your eyes open, right?

NICK
Why not appreciate the beauty in the world?

JOHN
You got a lot of confidence. What’s your secret?

NICK
Just charm and finesse. These folks need to loosen up and I have a gift for saying the right things at the right time.

JOHN
(teasingly)
So, lies? I see.

Nick chuckles, taking a sip of his cocktail.

NICK
(playfully)
Not lies, not really. It’s just understanding what women want and giving it to them.

JOHN
(raising his glass)
Well, here’s to your expertise, Nick. May your charm never fail you.

They clink their glasses, with camaraderie and underlying tension.

NICK
Trust me, John, I’ve got it all under control. No one can resist me once I turn on the charm. Get the waitress over and I’ll show you.

Nick gestures for service.

JOHN
But what about loyalty? Do you resist temptation?

Nick’s smug expression falters for a split second, but he quickly regains his composure.

NICK
Sure. I’m a man of my word. I can look and not touch.

JOHN
(teasingly)
Well, I hope for Arin’s sake that your word is as strong as your charm, my friend.

Nick’s gaze shifts nervously, and he takes a moment to collect himself.

NICK
Arin knows she’s got the best of the best. I’m all hers.

The waitress Nick summoned approaches the table.

NICK (CONT’D)
(to John:)
Watch and learn.

He turns his attention to the attractive waitress in her crisp uniform.

NICK (CONT’D)
(to waitress:)
How’s your shift going, darling?

WAITRESS
(politely:)
Fine, thanks. What can I get you?

NICK
Well, you are so beautiful I could just drink you all up, but I’m guessing you’re not on the menu.

WAITRESS
(more uncomfortably:)
I’ m not. Shall I give you a minute to decide?

NICK
No, I know what I want, I’m just figuring how to get it.

As Nick finishes his sentence, Arin enters the lounge unexpectedly and unseen, and heads towards Nick and John.

Nick has uttered an obscenity to the Waitress, and John reels as the Waitress then raises her hand and slaps Nick with a CRACK! The room falls silent and all eyes are on their table.

WAITRESS
I’ll have you banned for this!

JOHN
(grinning)
Speaking of the best, here comes Arin now.

Nick’s face turns pale as Arin’s eyes narrow, a mix of curiosity and suspicion. John exchanges a knowing glance with Nick, relishing the opportunity to witness the impending confrontation.

NICK
Arin! It’s so good to see you.

Nick gets to his feet in surprise, his charm fading. Arin doesn’t look much for talking.

NICK
(reluctantly)
I… I can explain…

Arin remains calm, but her disappointment shows. Then she acts, swiftly, and she takes him down with a judo move, timing it perfectly to catch the passing waiters and covering Nick in a fancy feast.

JOHN
I’m sorry, Arin. There’s some stuff I should catch you up on.

As the room starts buzzing with whispers and murmurs, Arin walks away, leaving Nick floored impressed by Arin’s strength and integrity. John follows his friend out of the club.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is… starting with the broad strokes isn’t too tricky, especially when you have a system to create characters. Their depth will come with the detail but giving them some initial contradictions will drive conflict both internally and externally.

2. Pick the type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.

Madison is a dreamer. She trained and took a stable job as an accountant but really wants to be a stand-up comedian. She is pushed to act on her dreams after she keeps getting called boring.

Jose is an explorer. He is pushing the bounds of his art and people’s expectations of him – which is that he will be poor and generally considered a failure. He is rebelling against this.

3. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfil that role.

Madison and Jose play antagonist to each other, as they will both be change agents.

Madison pushes Jose because he is pretentious and concerned about what other people think of him. Jose points out that Madison is just as shallow, and if she was really happy being an accountant, she wouldn’t be in an escape room trying to prove to herself that she was creative. Their conflict is what makes them an overnight sensation and even though they both want to be on their own, they are linked. Jose finds he can’t create without Madison, Madison is more humorless without Jose.

Jose also has a manager for his art, who is part of the art clique and feeds Jose’s pretentiousness. Madison has a mentor via her work who encourages her to do all the accountant things and nothing else. Focus is the key to success!

4. What other characters might be necessary?

<div>
</div>

Supporting characters: Romcoms usually have some kind of best
friend, though I think both these characters really need mentors. Not just
in love but in their lives as well. They can be somewhat antagonistic
though, and maybe they each need a best friend to tell them to follow
their heart?

Minor roles: colleagues, fans, press?

Background characters: I’m currently thinking they’ll both be under
25, or a maximum of 30, so probably parents and possibly roommates.

5. Pick your genre.

I’m all-in with romcom!

6. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles.

Madison

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Jose. <div>

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. No preference for
ethnicity. Has not long finished her accountancy qualifications and is
finding it well-paid but boring. Did enjoy it to begin with, but life has
thrown her curveballs that she can’t help but laugh at, and she wants to
share that with the world.

Internal Journey: trying to prove to herself that she isn’t just a
boring accountant, no matter what all her friends and family say.

External Journey: embraces her creative side as well as her analytical
side and launches her risky stand-up comedy career.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and living a more fulfilling life.

Wound: All three of her serious boyfriends have dumped her because they
said she was boring.

Mission/Agenda: To prove to the world that accountants can be fun
too!
Secret: In the last round of promotions, she copied someone’s idea
because she’s actually terrible at managing her own money and needed the promotion.

What makes them special? The diligence that she learned as an
accountant – paying attention to detail and making sure things add up,
which hide her wildly creative imagination and humor.

Jose

Role in the story: lead character, protagonist and antagonist to
Madison. </div>

Age range and Description: Under 25, 30 tops. Latin American. A free spirited artist, he is also much more down to earth than his persona belies.

Internal Journey: validating who he is as a person and the choices
he’s made so far in his life, rejecting the ‘starving artist’ stereotype.

External Journey: becomes somewhat famous as an artist, but because
of his company in the escape rooms, not just because of his performance
art and the work he creates.

Motivation: Proving people wrong and being a huge success.

Wound: After college, he dated his tutor, who then told him she’d
only passed him so that she could sleep with him.

Mission/Agenda: To prove that artists can be rich and successful and
there is room for many of them.

Secret: Loved maths at school, and loves watching soaps.

What makes them special? He has to have a vast network to sell his
art, but he is a truly steadfast and caring friend for the few people he
really loves and trusts.

[Joy Smith]

Wow, there’s going to be some amazing movies written in the next month!

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is… that structure helps move creativity forward! OK, so that’s not completely new to me, but thinking about the transformation in this way makes it easier to move forward. The prompts help to stimulate ideas, and even if they’re not all gold at this stage, they’re ideas that I can move forward with and refine as I go.

Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

I write romcoms and usually do this sort of thing for both sides of the relationship.

Accountant Madison is accused of being boring but dreams of stand-up comedy glory. For inspiration, she gets locked in an escape room with Jose, who turns out to be a pretentious performance artist who turns every puzzle into a work of art.

Madison:

Internal journey: trying to prove to herself that she isn’t just a boring accountant, no matter what all her friends and family say.

External journey: she embraces her creative side as well as her analytical side and launches her stand-up comedy career.

Jose:

Internal journey: all about validating who he is as a person and the choices he’s made so far in his life, rejecting the ‘starving artist’ stereotype.

External journey: becomes somewhat famous as an artist, but because of his company in the escape rooms, not just because of his performance art and the work he creates.

3. What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Madison:

Old ways – factual, analytical, trained to stay inside the box

New ways – free-thinking, creative, takes more risks and has more adventures

Jose:

Old ways – trying to prove that he is truly an artist, comparing himself to others, a free spirit that isn’t really free

New ways – being more authentic, caring less about critical acclaim (and getting more of it!), sees the value of structure

[Joy Smith]

For some reason, I did this a while back but hadn’t posted it.

Now, my producer numbers have gone up to 234 as 1st connections, and when I google my name, my LinkedIn Profile is the first thing that appears. Doesn’t mean that it couldn’t do with some more work, but at least it says ‘Joy Geldard-Smith – Screenwriter’ at the top of Google! Yay!

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is… a reaffirmation that I am 100% in control of my own credibility. I am building my network on LinkedIn every day, and I am working on my speciality. Although not everyone is into romcoms, they do constantly get made, even if on a low budget.

If I Google myself, I need to tidy up my Pinterest and keep going so that my LinkedIn is at the top, until I manage to get my writing website up and running.

BUT, my LinkedIn profile is better than it was, and I am now connected to some producers, so if I keep building on this every day, I will soon be taking assignments!

1. What is your speciality? Describe your expertise in that speciality in one or two sentences.

I bring love and laughter into the world through the romantic comedies I write.

2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network?

A. Go to your LinkedIn page. In the search box, put in the word “producer.” Click Search.

B. When the list of producers comes up, it will be for all producers. On the right hand side, you’ll see boxes for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Click 1st.

C. With your search narrowed to producer and 1st connections, you’ll have an accurate number.

36 – which might not seem many, but I had 0 when I started this course. I have a ton of Pending invites, and I’m working on getting more connections every day.

3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three time frames:

A. Today – I will invite 10 more producers to connect with me on LinkedIn. I’m also building a network on Stage 32.

B. In the next 30 days – I will continue to connect with producers. I am also going to continue to polish some 10 page samples, so I will be ready for producers, and set up a website. I’m also going to get some advice about what I can publish on my LinkedIn to make it look even more “professional screenwriter”.

C. In the next 6 months – Hopefully have at least one writing assignment from the networking I’ve done, and ideally an IMDB credit. Have the website live and have 500+ producers in my LinkedIn network.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Marketing Plan

What I learned during this assignment is… It feels like a long time since I did this class, as a lot has been happening! Throughout the time, I’ve kept building my LinkedIn network, and have gone from having 36 producer connections to having 234 producer connections. I’ve felt that it’s been OK to connect to producers during the strike, because I haven’t been really pitching to them, or overly active on LinkedIn, but it has felt strange. Because of the family stuff as well, I’ve not committed to the marketing in the way I perhaps should have, but again, the strike has made that difficult.

I’m still working on getting the website to a decent level but hopefully will get that published soon, along with a few blogs about screenwriting and some 10 page samples.

I’m really looking forward to the classes on using AI and moving forward – no doubt it can come up with a much better marketing plan than I can!

1. Write your email request for writing assignments in your own words.

Subject line: About your next romcom.

OR

Subject line: About (romcom title the producer did)

Hi (producer),

Like you, I also love romcom movies.

OR

I love romcom movies and particularly enjoyed your movie (romcom title the producer did) because (short piece of evidence that I’ve actually watched the movie).

I specialize in bringing love and laughter into the world by writing romcom scripts. I help producers bring their ideas to life through clarifying their vision, writing treatments, outlines and scripts.

I wanted to let you know that I am currently available for writing assignments — rewrite a screenplay, adapt a book, or write a screenplay from your idea. Of course, I’d be happy to send you a writing sample so you know the quality of my work, or you can check out the samples on my website below.

Please let me know if you need anything further.

Thanks for your time,

Joy Geldard-Smith

+44 (0)771 900 6946

joy@jgswrites.com

https://www.jgswrites.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jgswrites/

2. Create a plan for marketing yourself. Give us the first three things you are going to do when you are ready to start marketing.

Once the strike is over, I’ll start marketing my website via LinkedIn. I’ll continue growing my network on LinkedIn. I’ll change my status on LinkedIn so producers know I am available for work.

I’ll also contact some smaller producers via IMDB Pro and email them.

I’ll also polish my best romcom script so that I have a full script if I’m asked for one, rather than just samples.

[Joy Smith]

Hi everyone!

I’m known as Joy Smith in real life, but usually no one can find me online without adding my maiden name.

I’ve written about six completed scripts, with about three in progress, but I’m going to try and use a completely new script for this class.

I hope to get a method of writing from this course that I can use to work with producers and help their ideas come to life (and also write my own scripts!). I’ve done the writing assignments class and would definitely recommend it.

I’m based in Yorkshire in the UK. I have tons of hobbies and interests outside writing, and recently baked my first ever Victoria Sponge cake for someone’s birthday – I kept saying to myself “Its not the Bake Off Final, it’s not the Bake Off Final!”

Looking forward to getting stuck in!

[Joy Smith]

I, Joy Geldard-Smith, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #1 Scene Rewrite

What I learned doing this assignment is… That’s it’s OK to do a crummy first draft because it’s easier to edit something that already exists. I can go back and make changes and elevate the quality. I still feel that this does need a couple more interest techniques, but we’re only on pass #1 so I’m going to ‘just keep swimming’.

Scene Arc: From celebration to ass kicking

Situation: Lured into a back room where he is beat up.

Outline: Robert has discovered that Trent is not as wealthy as he pretends to be.

Trent is celebrating getting investment in a property deal at a party on Robert’s boat, but Robert knows the truth. Robert takes over the celebrations, and Trent gets jealous because he needs the attention. Robert takes him to ‘get a special bottle’ to smooth things over, but tells him he knows. Trent gets aggressive and says there’s no evidence (meticulous) and Robert beats him up.

Changes to the set-up: Instead of being at a bar, it’s on Robert’s boat. A closed environment where there’s no room for escape. This also shows Robert flaunting his wealth as a sign of his low-self esteem.The influence he has because of his money means that people believe his gossip.

INT. VELVET TREE YACHT – NIGHT

A sophisticated bar on a superyacht. Conversation quietly humming over the noise of the engine and the soft jazz played by the house band.

ROBERT, the yacht’s owner weaves from table to table, powered by the knowledge that he is the richest person at the soiree. He is smooth and amiable – he knows the lives of everyone there – and tells himself that none of them would be here without him.

ROBERT

Jim and Pammy! Good to see you two together.

JIM and PAM look at each other, both wondering what Robert means as he walks on to the next table.

ROBERT

Kaitlyn! Mwah! Not here alone? I have someone you have to meet, come on.

Kaitlyn gets to her feet and they sweep past the still-confused couple, both waving.

ROBERT (CONT’D)

Don’t you think they belong together? I love a happy ending!

A small crowd of suits bursts the atmosphere with a festive, joyful noise, entering from the outside deck. At the centre is TRENT, feasting on their attention. He is meticulous, manipulative and doesn’t do well when pushed.

He heads to the bar and flags down the BARTENDER, who is serving someone else.

TRENT

Champagne!

A barked demand, not a request.

BARTENDER

One moment, sir.

The Bartender finishes up within seconds but has already pushed Trent’s buttons. He presents an unopened bottle to Trent.

BARTENDER

Champagne, sir? For everyone?

TRENT

If it’s not too much trouble.

The Bartender gets the drinks flowing. Trent checks himself and his company, and raises a full glass.

TRENT

(broadcasting)

To Trent Towers!

Robert sails over, navigating the clientele. He has a wave to ride.

ROBERT

We’re celebrating?

Trent raises his glass, eliciting a cheer from his group.

TRENT

Robert! Haven’t seen you since we shoved off. Thanks for the champagne!

ROBERT

I know you’ll feel free to drink me dry.

TRENT

Big news – we set the date to break ground on Trent Towers.

ROBERT

Full steam ahead, then?

TRENT

Choo, choo!

ROBERT

Then come with me. I know I’ve got a vintage bottle somewhere – and cigars, too!

TRENT

That’s not necessary.

SUIT 1

Why turn down free bubbly?

Robert riles Trent.

ROBERT

My thoughts exactly.

TRENT

We’d be insulting Robert. He’s already been generous enough to let us knock back his booze all night. It’s still bubbly, right?

Suit 1 shrugs.

ROBERT

It is a celebration, isn’t it?

(louder)

Everyone! A toast – to Trent Towers!

The guests raise their glasses as instructed. Trent blanches at his spotlight being stolen. He puts an arm around Robert.

TRENT

(to the room)

To my good friend, and all aboard the Velvet Tree!

A general murmur of agreement and clinking of glasses follows.

TRENT (CONT’D)

We’ll be running this city before long. We’ll be rich… well, richer!

Trent laughs, and glasses resound again.

ROBERT

Actually, Trent, could I have a word?

Robert’s tone is commanding. Trent tries to loom over him. Fails.

TRENT

Can’t it wait? We’re busy celebrating. Right?

Again, Trent controls his gang of business buddies, and they respond.

ROBERT

Let’s go find you that cigar.

TRENT

Honestly, you won’t let us celebrate the best deal of our lives without a smoke? If I didn’t like you so much, I’d run you out of business in a week!

Robert’s eyes dare him.

TRENT

Come on, then, your prime tobacco won’t smoke itself!

Robert stands behind Trent and leads him round the deck to a space below. It is cramped and lacks the luxury of the upper decks.

TRENT

Where are we?

Robert

Have a seat.

TRENT

What’s going on? I haven’t got time for this. I should be back with them.

ROBERT

You remember I have a sister, right?

TRENT

Okay.

Trent shrugs off this unimportant information.

ROBERT

She’s married. Uses a married name.

TRENT

Sure.

Another shrug.

TRENT (CONT’D)

What’s that got to do with cigars?

ROBERT

Her name is Fiona Pearson.

The dime drops.

TRENT

Mrs Pearson? From the equity fund?

Robert’s satisfaction with Trent’s response leaks out.

ROBERT

Mrs Pearson from the equity fund.

TRENT

(recovering)

Do you check on all her investments, then?

ROBERT

In a way. But I only speak up for her when things might go wrong.

TRENT

Nothing’s wrong.

Robert invades Trent’s personal space.

ROBERT

Nothing better go wrong. Not for her.

TRENT

We’re celebrating, everything’s sorted. Just gotta get the bricks up now.

A lump of a figure appears in the doorway. Robert nods, and the knot of muscle that makes up BAXTER lingers there.

ROBERT

I know.

TRENT

Nothing to know.

ROBERT

I know about Silverman’s affair. I know about Diaz and his recreational habit. I know what really happened to Wong’s Uncle. And I know about you.

TRENT

‘course you know me, we’ve known each other years!

ROBERT

I know about the gap.

Baxter takes a step inside the room.

TRENT

The gap? So? You can’t threaten me over that. Happens all the time.

ROBERT

I know everything about the gap.

Trent gets as serious as Robert is.

TRENT

I’ve got records. I know the size of that gap down to the penny, and it won’t affect anything, You can’t blackmail me.

ROBERT

No one is blackmailing anyone. I’m just looking out for my sister.

Baxter takes another step towards Trent, who is now on his feet.

TRENT

Look, whatever this is, it isn’t working. You can’t intimida-

Trent turns to go and realises they have not been alone.

TRENT

Who’s this?

ROBERT

Meet Baxter.

Baxter doesn’t offer a hand but piles a fist straight towards Trent’s gut. Then his ribs, then to his face, as Trent falls to the ground.

ROBERT

Just a warning, remember.

Robert leaves the room, as Baxter raises his fist again.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #1 Scene

Scene Arc: From celebration to ass kicking

Situation: Lured into a back room where he is beat up.

Outline: Robert has discovered that Trent is not as wealthy as he pretends to be.

Trent is celebrating getting investment in a property deal at Robert’s bar, but Robert knows the truth. Robert takes over the celebrations, and Trent gets jealous because he needs the attention. Robert takes him to ‘get a special bottle’ to smooth things over, but tells him he knows. Trent gets aggressive and says there’s no evidence (meticulous) and Robert beats him up.

INT. VELVET TREE CLUB – NIGHT

A sophisticated bar, mood lighting and velour seats, quietly hums with conversation over the soft jazz played by the house band.

ROBERT, the club’s owner, glides from table to table, greeting regulars and charming strangers into becoming regulars. He is smooth and amiable yet discreet – he knows the lives of everyone there.

A small crowd of suits bursts the atmosphere with a festive, joyful noise. At the centre is TRENT, feasting on their attention. He is meticulous, manipulative and doesn’t do well when pushed.

He heads to the bar and flags down the bartender, who is serving someone else.

TRENT

Champagne!

A barked demand, not a request.

bartender

One moment, sir.

The Bartender finishes up within seconds but has already pushed Trent’s buttons. He presents an unopened bottle to Trent.

BARTENDER

Champagne, sir? For everyone?

TRENT

If it’s not too much trouble.

The Bartender gets the drinks flowing. Trent checks himself and his company, and raises a full glass.

TRENT

(broadcasting)

To Trent Towers!

Robert sails over, navigating the clientele. He has a wave to ride.

ROBERT

We’re celebrating?

Trent raises his glass, eliciting a cheer from his group.

TRENT

We are. Set the date to break ground on Trent Towers.

ROBERT

Full steam ahead, then?

TRENT

Choo, choo!

ROBERT

Let me congratulate you with a round on the house.

TRENT

That’s not necessary.

SUIT 1

Why turn down free bubbly?

Robert riles Trent.

ROBERT

My thoughts exactly.

TRENT

Because it’s not necessary. I said the drinks were on me, didn’t I?

ROBERT

Well, you’re good customers, and what’s good for you is good for me.

(louder)

On the house!

Trent blanches at his spotlight being stolen. He puts an arm around Robert.

TRENT

To my good friend, and all our friends at the Velvet Tree!

A general murmur of agreement and clinking of glasses follows.

TRENT (CONT’D)

We’ll be running this city before long. We’ll be rich… well, richer!

Trent laughs, and glasses resound again.

ROBERT

Actually, Trent, could I have a word?

Robert’s tone is commanding. Trent tries to loom over him. Fails.

TRENT

Can’t it wait? We’re busy celebrating. Right?

Again, Trent controls his gang of business buddies, and they respond.

ROBERT

I’ll have you back in a flash.

TRENT

Honestly, your barman don’t serve me, you won’t take my money, and now you won’t let us celebrate the best deal of our lives. If I didn’t like you so much, I’d run you out of business in a week!

Robert’s eyes dare him.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Come on, then, spit it out.

ROBERT

Let’s go to my office – I’ll get you a bottle of vintage for the trouble.

Robert stands behind Trent and funnels him through to the dingy office. Cracked plaster, bare walls and furniture that has come here to die.

TRENT

I see why you spend all your time out front.

Robert

Have a seat.

TRENT

What’s going on? I haven’t got time for this. I should be out there, with them.

ROBERT

You remember I have a sister, right?

TRENT

Okay.

Trent shrugs off this unimportant information.

ROBERT

She’s married. Uses a married name.

TRENT

Sure.

Another shrug.

TRENT (CONT’D)

You could have told me this out there.

ROBERT

Her name is Fiona Pearson.

The dime drops.

TRENT

Mrs Pearson? From the equity fund?

Robert’s satisfaction with Trent’s response leaks out.

ROBERT

Mrs Pearson from the equity fund.

TRENT

(recovering)

Do you check on all her investments, then?

ROBERT

In a way. But I only speak up for her when things might go wrong.

TRENT

Nothing’s wrong.

Robert invades Trent’s personal space.

ROBERT

Nothing better go wrong. Not for her.

TRENT

We’re celebrating, everything’s sorted. Just gotta get the bricks up now.

A lump of a figure appears in the doorway. Robert nods, and the knot of muscle that makes up BAXTER lingers there.

ROBERT

I know.

TRENT

Nothing to know.

ROBERT

I know about Silverman’s affair. I know about Diaz and his recreational habit. I know what really happened to Wong’s Uncle. And I know about you.

TRENT

‘course you know me, I’ve been coming here for years.

ROBERT

I know about the gap.

Baxter takes a step inside the room.

TRENT

The gap? So? You run a bar. You can’t threaten me.

ROBERT

I run a bar and I run other things.

TRENT

You can’t blackmail me.

ROBERT

No one is blackmailing anyone. I’m just looking out for my sister.

Baxter takes another step towards Trent, who is now on his feet.

TRENT

Look, whatever this is, it isn’t working. You can’t intimida-

Trent turns to go and realises they have not been alone.

TRENT

Who’s this?

ROBERT

Meet Baxter.

Baxter doesn’t offer a hand but piles a fist straight towards Trent’s gut. Then his ribs, then to his face, as Trent falls to the ground.

ROBERT

Just a warning, remember.

Robert leaves the room, as Baxter raises his fist again.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… It’s always possible to improve on what you wrote, especially if you allow yourself to be less attached to what you wrote. Adding more than one interest technique can layer the writing and definitely keeps the audience guessing. I’m not sure I’ve quite managed that with my rewritten scene, but it’s definitely an improvement on what I’d previously done (prior to the ProSeries!)

Script: Breathless

Scene logline: Byrne and Anna have been out celebrating. They run into Byrne’s ex, Chastity, who is out to stop Byrne’s plan.

Scene essence: Chastity vs Byrne

Interest techniques:

– Intrigue/Suspense – Why is Chastity there?

– Uncertainty – not quite hope/fear, but we don’t know what exactly Chastity wants as she starts off being more reasonable than in other recent scenes.

– More interesting setting – initially outside a nightclub, now inside a fast food place, so now there are more bystanders and weapons.

– Character changes radically – Anna the bookworm is drunk for the first time and demanding to get what she wants.

Rewritten scene:

EXT. FAST FRIES RESTAURANT – LATER

Anna enters the dimly-lit dive that dares to call itself restaurant and orders, Byrne follows just behind. Anna is obviously drunk, fitting in nicely with the rest of the customers.

As they wait for Anna’s food, Byrne scans for a meal of his own.

BYRNE

Had fun, little one?

ANNA

Yes! I should have opened my eyes before. I’ve got so much lost time to make up for.

BYRNE

Don’t worry, you’ve got an eternity of laughs to come.

Chastity sidles up through the shadows.

CHASTITY

With you?

ANNA

Not you again! We’re having a nice night, so just run along.

CHASTITY

Run along? You’ve changed your tune.

ANNA

And I’m going to dance to my new tune forever!

A fleeting look from the staff.

CHASTITY

You didn’t?

BYRNE

Girl just likes the taste of peach schnapps.

CHASTITY

I guess getting a minor drunk is pretty tame for you.

BYRNE

Practically a day off. She did have a point though, you must be here to spoil our fun.

Anna is worse for wear but brightens when her chips appear.

CHASTITY

Byrne, despite everything, you still mean something to me.

BYRNE

I knew it. Didn’t I tell you, Anna?

Anna nods through a mouthful of fries and hot sauce.

CHASTITY

We’ve been friends for centu-

(don’t spill the beans in front of the restaurant)

-for a long time, so I wanted to give you one last chance to stop this madness.

Chastity spins Byrne round, away from Anna who is concentrating on her greasy snack.

BYRNE

You know I can’t do that.

CHASTITY

This is vengeance, pure and simple.

BYRNE

(your point?)

Yeah.

CHASTITY

Dig two graves?

BYRNE

Best served cold.

CHASTITY

Only bring pain?

BYRNE

Sweet and not fattening.

CHASTITY

Revenge is it’s own executioner.

BYRNE

Revenge doesn’t stop.

CHASTITY

Living well is the best revenge?

BYRNE

Look, what I’m doing, will bring glory back to our race.

Anna’s fries are almost gone and her attention is returning to them.

ANNA

Yeah, glory.

Byrne has no regard for his surroundings or who overhears.

BYRNE

Humans will fear us-

ANNA

Scary!

BYRNE

We will take our rightful place.

Anna punches the air, spilling the last of her fries. She gets a napkin and cleans them up, the good girl not quite banished yet.

CHASTITY

How can there be a great kingdom if there’s no food?

BYRNE

I’m not going to kill all of them. Just treat them more like… the way they treat cows.

Byrne points up towards the menus.

ANNA

Moo.

CHASTITY

If you don’t stop this, you’ll destroy more than… the cattle.

Chastity is still watching her words.

BYRNE

Don’t be so melodramatic. I’ve got it all worked out.

CHASTITY

This rat of a mortal isn’t worth the risks you’re taking now.

ANNA

Hey!

CHASTITY

Not you. Stephanie.

BYRNE

I see green eyes, Chastity. You said she wasn’t worth being outlawed for, but without the Masters, I’m free. I’m more truly a vampire than you’ve ever been.

CHASTITY

I can’t protect you from the Masters anymore.

BYRNE

Sod the Masters. What are they going to do? Write some little rules to hurt me?

CHASTITY

They sent me to kill you.

Anna instantly sobers up.

BYRNE

Then you’d better take a shot, eh, love?

Exasperated, Chastity takes one look around the restaurant and decides it could use the insurance money. She punches Byrne in the face. Byrne fights back, and there is an evenly matched struggle, dodging the diners and tables, and using weapons more suited to a picnic.

Anna becomes increasingly bored, and eventually takes a small flask of holy water and pours it in Chastity’s eyes.

BYRNE (CONT’D)

What d’you do that for? I was winning.

ANNA

I’m cold, I’m bored, and I finished my food. Take me home!

Byrne likes Anna’s newfound impatience.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith Puts Essence to Work

Hello! I’m back. My family stuff should be sorted soon – my Dad had an operation to remove cancer, but it all went well and he should be going home in a day or so. I’ll be catching up for now but hopefully on track again soon.

What I learned is… that I’m really glad I never showed this script to anyone! Writing from the essence would make the process easier and result in a better script.

Script I chose: Breathless

I deliberately chose one of the first scripts I wrote and then didn’t do anything with because I’m not attached to it, so can be brutal, and it should be easy to see where there’s room for improvement.

Scene 1 Location: p5 – inciting incident
Logline: Byrne is out hunting when he is interrupted by Chastity.
Essence I’ve discovered: Even vampires have bosses.
New Logline: Byrne discovers his bosses are tracking him and intend to kill him for a previous relationship.

This probably isn’t really the inciting incident – I need to go back further to that but need to find a way of doing it without giving the whole game away.

Scene 2 Location: p14
Logline: Byrne meets Anna when out hunting.
Essence I’ve discovered: Byrne is vain and loves a fan.
New Logline: Byrne meets a vampire fan and recruits her to his gang.

Scene 3 Location: p37
Logline: Anna reports to Byrne with her research.
Essence I’ve discovered: Everything is a test with Byrne.
New Logline: Byrne tests Anna as she reports her findings to him, and sets her another test.

Scene 4 Location: p47
Logline: Anna has breakfast with her parents.
Essence I’ve discovered: Anna is saying goodbye to her parents.
New Logline: Anna pleases her parents one last time before leaving them forever.

Scene 5 Location: p63
Logline: Stephanie arrives at the bookshop for the signing.
Essence I’ve discovered: Anna sizes up Bryne’s ex.
New Logline: Anna meets Stephanie at the bookshop, checking out the competition.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith Finds the Essence

What I’ve learned is…That the essence of a scene is key to moving things forward and to helping write with purpose.

Script I choose: Legally Blonde

Scene 1 Location: Inciting Incident
Logline: Elle thinks she is going to be proposed to but is actually getting dumped.
Essence: Everyone underestimates Elle because of her appearance, even her boyfriend.

Scene 2 Location: Plot Point
Logline: Elle wanted to go to a mixer, but instead meets a few of her classmates in the garden and they have nothing in common.
Essence: Elle doesn’t belong at Harvard Law.

Scene 3 Location: Midpoint
Logline: In two linked scenes, Elle shows up Warner and is asked by a Professor if she’s applying for an internship.
Essence: Elle is becoming a lawyer – and able to match or beat Warner.

Scene 4 Location: End of Act 2
Logline: Emmett and Elle disagree about whether Brooke is innocent, and Elle talks about the law firm she wants to set up.
Essence: Elle is changing and making big plans for her future that include her practicing law.

Scene 5 Location: Climax
Logline: Elle has just won the case for Brooke and Warner has said he wants her back – everything she wanted – only for her to reject Warner.
Essence: Elle’s has turned into a serious lawyer while retaining the person she always was.

My selection for most profound essence: Scene 5, Outside the Courthouse.

EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS – DAY – LATER

Elle looks up at the courthouse as the sun sets behind it.

She smiles, proud of herself.

WARNER (O.S.)

You were amazing today.

She turns and finds Warner.

ELLE

Thank you.

He moves closer.

WARNER

It made me realize something. I’ m an

idiot.

ELLE

Really?

He turns on the charm.

WARNER

I want to be with you, Elle. Forever.

He pulls her close, hand around her waist, kissing her. She

looks up at him, a trace of the old love in her eyes. For a

moment, she melts.

ELLE

I want to be with you, too, Warner.

After a moment, she steps back, removing his hand from her

waist and wrenching it behind his back.

ELLE (CONT’D)

In court. On opposing sides.

WARNER

(shocked)

Are you serious?

ELLE

Huh. Imagine that. Looks like I am.

She walks down the steps. Warner watches her go, then turns

to see Sarah, who’s witnessed the entire episode. She glares

at him, then walks past.

WARNER

Sarah — hold on.

She shoves him, knocking him on his ass, then rushes to .catch

up with Elle.

SARAH

(calling out)

Elle, wait up —

Elle turns.

SARAH (CONT’D)

(continuing; sheepish)

I ‘ m a bitch.

ELLE

Yes, you are.

SARAH

And Donovan’s a-scumbag for coming on to

You.

ELLE

Yes, he is.

They look at each other in a silent truce.

SARAH

So — can we drink that champagne when I

get back from the pawnshop?

She pulls off her engagement ring.

ELLE

You’re pawning The Rock?!

SARAH

Hell, yes. We’ve got finals to study

for. In Jamaica.

She smiles and heads off. Elle smiles, processing this as

Emmett approaches Elle.

EMMETT

Up for a celebration dinner?

ELLE

Are you asking me on a date?

EMMETT

As long as you realize I’m not just some

man-toy you can show off like a trophy.

ELLE

(joking)

Then, forget it. Besides, I have an early

class tomorrow.

EMMETT

So Friday at eight?

She smiles at him.

(CONTINUED)

ELLE

Perfect.

She heads down the stairs, stops and thinks a moment, then

runs back up —

— Grabbing Emmett in a hellacious KISS. He kisses her back.

[Joy Smith]

Hello! I’m usually Joy Smith, except that makes me impossible to find, so I’m Joy Geldard-Smith (my maiden name)

I’ve written about 6 or 7 scripts, but after taking the Writing Assignments class have decided to specialise in Romcoms, which I have 2 completed and one in progress.

I hope to elevate the quality of my writing, so that it’s easier for me to attract producers, either for writing assignments or with my spec scripts.

It’s not unique, but I’m British, so apologies in advance for the kooky spellings that might make their way into my posts. It’ll also mean I’m late to the party with the assignments, as they arrive in the middle of the night UK time.

A family member is having an operation on Thursday, so there’s a chance I’ll get a bit behind during the week they’re in hospital, but I will definitely get myself caught up – these classes are too good to miss!

My name is a little unique – I have it because I’m basically a rainbow baby before that term came about. I have an older sister, then my Mum miscarried, then had me and was so happy she called me Joy. The funny thing is that I have a ‘surprise’ younger brother… and he’s just called Robin for no reason at all!

Looking forward to working with you all over the next few weeks.

[Joy Smith]

I, Joy Geldard-Smith, agree to the terms of the group.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Rewrite of Mark Kelly’s Treatment

Title: The Miserable

Logline: In 2000, John Jackson is released from an LA prison and embarks on a journey that mirrors Jean Valjean’s centuries earlier.

Genre: Drama

Audience: All four quadrants

Villain’s Plan 1: Charleton taunts Jackson as he leaves prison.

Villain’s Plan 2: Charleton, now a police officer, arrests a different John Jackson for parole violation.

Villain’s Plan 3: Charleton interrupts Jackson’s visit to Faith’s bedside and arrests him shortly later, again for parole violation.

Villain’s Plan 4: Charleton is caught up in a BLM protest and recognises Jackson, also involved with the movement.

Villain’s Plan 5: Charleton drops his interest in Jackson after seeing the video where he saves Malik and realising he had the wrong man for all these years.

Lead Journey 1: Jackson is released from prison in 2000.

Lead Journey 2: Jackson commits a crime against Father Murray, who forgives him and helps him by giving him some money. This kindness starts to transform him,

Lead Journey 3: Jackson is running a business employing ex-cons and veterans.

Lead Journey 4: Jackson states his true identity at the courthouse in order to ensure a mentally disabled person is not unfairly imprisoned.

Lead Journey 5: Jackson visits Faith as she struggles with AIDS, then bails himself out after Charleton arrests him.

Lead Journey 6: Jackson takes custody of Cassie from the Tennants.

Lead Journey 7: Jackson is involved with Black Lives Matter through Cassie.

Lead Journey 8: Jackson saves Malik from the violent protest.

Lead Journey 9: Jackson publishes his story on a video that goes viral.

<br clear=”all”>

Treatment:

John Jackson, a African American in his 30s, is released from prison in 2000 after being granted parole due to overcrowding. Charleton, a prejudiced Caucasian prison guard, taunts him as he leaves, telling Jackson he’s no good and he’ll be back to prison. As a free man, Jackson is harassed by the Police for non-offences such as using a café restroom without making a purchase.

Jackson finds his way to the resource centre, and after waiting a long time to be seen, he is told that he isn’t entitled to any help without a mailing address. Another ex-con at the resource centre clues him in on a technique to use the address of vacant property. Will Charleton’s prophecy about Jackson come true?

Jackson is spotted by Father Murray, an African American priest, who takes him back to the church and feeds him. Jackson, still in ‘prison mode’, can’t resist the temptation Father Murray puts in front of him and steals the overflowing donation jar. Jackson is arrested as he is trying to buy cigarettes, and is taken back to the church in handcuffs. Father Murray continues his kindness to Jackson, saying he willingly gave Jackson the jar and refusing to press charges. Once the police are gone, Father Murray says he can see there is good in Jackson, and that he’ll give him the jar and more, if he will use the money to turn his life around.

Jackson keeps his promise to Father Murray and serves his country as a solider following 9/11. In 2006, Jackson has reinvented himself as John Madsen. He has used the money to set up a thriving car dealership that is staffed by ex-cons and veterans. They call him ‘dah Mayor’ because he is so well-connected and respected. He hires Faith, a young African American woman, to manage the phones but he learns that she lied on her application, so he fires her.

Charleton has also had a change of career and location, and is now a Police Officer, and calls into the dealership to introduce himself as the local patrolman. He doesn’t recognise Jackson. A few days later, he arrests Faith for prostitution near to the car dealership, and Jackson goes to see what’s happening. Charleton tells Jackson that he’s met people like Faith before, they’re bad, they can’t change and they don’t deserve any help. Remembering Father Murray’s compassion, Jackson disagrees. He bails Faith out, learns that she is suffering with AIDS and takes her into his home to help care for her.

When Charleton is doing is rounds next, he proudly tells Jackson that another lost cause, John Jackson, has been arrested and will be going back to prison. He tells Jackson that he’s a lowlife, he’s subnormal, he keeps claiming he’s innocent, but ‘I know his type’. Jackson wrestles with his conscience, then finds out that one of his ex-employees had hacked the Federal database to frame him. Jackson marches down to the courthouse with proof of his identity and makes sure the other John Jackson is released. He exposes himself and the criminal conspiracy and ensures Charleton sees. The case is dismissed pending further investigation.

Jackson returns home to find Faith in a severe condition. Jackson stays by her bedside, until Charleton busts in, determined to arrest him for violating his parole and with no consideration of Faith’s condition. Faith becomes so stressed she goes into cardiac arrest, and by the time Charleton has called an ambulance, it’s too late – Faith dies at the hospital. Charleton is unmoved and arrests Jackson on the spot.

Jackson bails himself out and returns home, to grieve for Faith. As he is looking through her things, he find a document she signed that gives him full custody of her daughter, Cassie. Jackson consults with a family law specialist before going to see Cassie’s foster parents, the Tennants.

The Tennants, an African American couple, are everything that Charleton thinks Jackson is: crooked to the core. They are welfare cheats who run a diner using their foster children for free labor, and also train them to pick the pockets of their wealthier customers. When the children make mistakes, the Tennants verbally abuse the children in front of customers. Jackson loses his temper and shows them the document, telling them not to contest it or the racist cop Charleton will hunt them down. Cassie willingly leaves with Jackson.

Now a father, Jackson sells his business to his employees, and once the parole violation case is dismissed, he moves to the east coast with Cassie.

In 2017, Cassie has been raised as Jackson’s daughter. She is attending a traditional black college and is dating Malik, an African American man in his 20s, who is involved with the Black Lives Matter (BLM) group. Their Caucasian history professor gives an inspiring lecture on atrocities against African Americans in the past, which have been white-washed by mainstream history. Cassie is inspired to join the movement, just before they become involved as counter protesters at the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, VA. She tells Jackson, and they agree to go to the protest together.

On August 12, Cassie is injured in the violence that breaks out. Charleton is also injured, having been present as an undercover FBI agent who now finds that his cover is blown. This puts him in danger, as anti-fascists talk about arranging an ‘accident’ for him. Malik is stuck in the middle of this, when Jackson appears and volunteers to take care of it. Charleton recognises Jackson, and abuses him, calling him a criminal. Jackson marches Charleton out of sight, releases him, and then goes back to find Malik.

Malik and the counter protesters had fallen back to a safe position in a mall, when a car crashes into the crowd and injures several, including Malik, who takes the brunt of the collision. Jackson rescues the critically-injured Malik and takes him to the University of Virginia Medical Center Emergency Room. They run into Charleton again, and Jackson says he will surrender if Charleton will just let him make sure Cassie and Malik are alright. Charleton agrees, and Cassie and Jackson go to Malik’s room, where Malik’s paternal grandfather is watching over him. Mr Gilman, Malik’s grandfather, tells them about Malik’s upbringing.

Cassie is sent a video that shows Jackson saving Malik, and Mr Gilman thanks him. Charleton watches from the doorway, and sees the video. Realising he’s been wrong all these years, he walks away. Jackson goes after him to surrender, but Charleton lets him go, not admitting he was wrong, but telling him to ‘stay outta trouble’.

A curious Cassie interrogates her father about who that man was, and he starts to tell his story. He was arrested for selling pot in the 80s to try and support his sister and her children. Jackson finishes his tale on an internet video that goes viral and now the world knows the truth.

Jackson and Mr Gilman stand proudly at Cassie and Malik’s wedding.

After cutting to black, a list of all the notable events and demonstrations that took place between Charlottesville and the movie’s release precede the credits.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned doing this assignment is… a reinforcement of the fact that to be a writer, you can’t just have one idea, you need millions. I spent half an hour doing this assignment, and have come up with a load of ideas to change my movie. Admittedly, they’re not all good ideas (especially the horror!) but they are just initial ideas that I could refine before going back to the producer, and mostly likely creating even more ideas with them. Does it change the story? Sure. But would it get the movie made and keep me from having to work in an office ever again… I’m in!

1. Tell us the logline of your treatment from the last assignment.

High Standards: A 39-year-old virgin is told by her long-suffering therapist that her standards are too high, so she tries to discover how she came to have such unreasonable expectations, and on her journey finds her perfect man.

2. Tell us how you would honor each of the following requests:

Cut the budget in half.

Reduce the locations even further, and have everything set at either the courthouse, Carmen’s house or the bar. I’d try to find another way of getting inside Carmen’s mind that didn’t require all the extras/make up/effects. That would also cut pages, I should easily be able to get it down to 90 (it’s only 112 at the moment).

Write it for a different
audience (quadrant).

My thinking was that it was for females under 25, although as she’s a 39 year old virgin, hopefully it would really be females under 40. I could switch the genders and make it a male 39 year old virgin (although that’s been done) or I could aim for an older audience by changing her occupation from a lawyer to a nun who leaves to become more worldly, and potentially increase her age. Or I guess she could have had a bad/traumatic sexual experience and is just getting older and decides to try and have sex again.

I could also make it more male-friendly by switching the leads from Carmen to Duncan, and having more of his point of view.

Double the conflict.

I’ll be honest, I had wondered about doing this anyway after I read the logline for Liar, Liar. Maybe she still sacks the employee and is sued by her, but it’s in the middle of the biggest case of her career (which is the bit I’d be stealing from Liar, Liar) which would also make sense as to all the action happening at the courthouse. That would mean that Duncan would be the opposing counsel, which would up the conflict significantly, as he’d be her professional rival as well as her love match.

Alternatively, I could make it more of a romcom by having Carmen being pursed by another man (so conflict for Duncan) and/or have Duncan dating someone, or a series of someones, right under Carmen’s nose.

Change the sex and age of
the lead character.

I touched on this before, I could make Carmen a male, potentially even older. I could also make them younger and maybe change the setting to a college campus, so a 25 year old virgin teaching law (or assisting) while everyone around them is getting laid would still feel ridiculous.

Changing the sex could also make it a gay love story.

Change the genre.

It’s currently a romcom, so I could make it a romantic drama, and have the court stuff take centre stage, as previously mentioned. I think the case would still have to be sexual harassment and by someone in power, maybe a fictional celeb.

I could also make it an action movie if someone kidnapped Carmen’s therapist and read their notes, and the kidnapper was the one that said Carmen’s standards were too high and that she was too beautiful to be a virgin. But I’d make them a real mean baddie, and want proof that she did lose her virginity, so now she not only has to be comfortable having sex with someone, she has to do it on camera, or her therapist (and longest standing male relationship) will be killed.

Making it a horror would be the most problematic because of the sex theme. I think what I’d have to do there is have them getting ready to get married or something, and then have a supernatural entity maybe possess one, and the other has to get rid of it so they can then get married, have sex and life happily ever after. OR a psychological horror where she isn’t actually a virgin but is repressing something that happened where she gave birth to a monster baby. OR there’s some kind of lawyer’s retreat, and everyone gets slashed up, and she’s the only one there going ‘yay, I’m a virgin, I don’t die in this scenario’ so all the guys start trying to seduce her so their girlfriends are more likely to survive? I’m not sure about the horror…

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is… that my script was MUCH higher budget that I had initially thought, partly because of the locations. Having watched the replay of the call, I now know that the one I’d grouped together below would be counted as a single location, because production wouldn’t have to relocate every time they shot a scene there. There’s still more than I thought but I’ve managed to think of a way around that fairly easily, so I’m sure I can do the same thing with other locations if I need to. I can still be creative even when there are some parameters in place, no problem!

1. Run through this list and tell us how many ways (at least five ways) you can decrease the budget on your High Budget screenplay and what changes you might make in the script to do that.

MAIN VARIABLES

Number of Locations – Count
= 18 (though some are grouped, 35 listed in software) <div>

Bar (same bar can be reused
in all the scenes)

Carmen’s house (bathroom,
bedroom, kitchen, living room)

Carmen’s car

Carmen’s head

Carmen’s office, aka
Tumbler and Associates (external shot, Carmen’s office, conference room,
corridors, security office, hallway, lift, main office, reception)

Church

Coffee Shop

Convenience Store

Courthouse (external shot,
courtroom, corridors)

Dr Fearnsby’s House
(drawing room)

Dr Fearnsby’s Office

Duncan’s House

Duncan’s Office

Park

Prison (external shot,
visitor’s lounge)

Pub

Garden

Susan’s house

Town Hall (reception and
toilets)

Expensive locations – count
= 5

Carmen’s office, aka
Tumbler and Associates

Courthouse

Prison

Park

Pub

Garden

Number of characters = 38
with lines

Special effects – count = 3

Carmen’s dream
Carmen talking about her
previous relationships
Speed dating
Conference room (though
this could be done via costume)

Number of pages = 112

Crowd scenes = 1 (plus 5 bar
scenes)

Stunts, Chase scenes, and
Fight scenes = 1 driving scene (not a chase)

Special sets = not sure
about this. Prison? Court?

SECONDARY VARIABLES

Rights to music, brands,
books, etc = N/A – have referenced the Habanera from Carmen but this is in
the public domain, and it doesn’t matter if it’s dropped.

Explosions and Firearms =
one bag of guns, nothing is fired.

Kids — shorter work days,
tutor on the set = 1 in the flashback

Animals – need a wrangler,
more time to shoot, Humane Society = N/A

Weather — Rain, snow, wind,
tornados = N/A

Water and underwater scenes
= N/A

Night scenes = 2, outside
the bar, outside Duncan’s house

Helicopters, aircraft, drone
shots = N/A

Green screen work = 2, dream
sequence and flashback

Extensive Make-up = maybe
conference scene, depends on how this is done. No monsters!

Archival Footage = N/A
unless this is a choice for the outside of the courtroom and prison

Anything else dangerous that
increases preparation time and/or Insurance = N/A

Five ways to decreased budget:

– Remove expensive scenes with locations (Carmen’s dream, Flashback, prison visit).

– Remove (outdoor) night scenes – they could just as easily happen in the afternoon, it’s not critical to the story that they take place at night.

– Remove the coffee shop guy serenading her – that loses a location and a bit of a page (even if I did like how fun it was and it showing how amazing Carmen was, it’s not crucial to the story!)

– Relocate driving scenes to another (already used) location.

– Have Carmen meet her mother somewhere as a regular meetup (maybe the bar) so that we remove the location of her mother’s house.

2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.

Tell us about the high
budget item in your script that you are letting go of.
Ask, “What is the dramatic
goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”
Ask, “How can I accomplish
the dramatic goal without the expense?”

These are my highest budget scenes:

Carmen’s Dream

Prison visit

Flashback

The Flashback is the most expensive, as uses multiple primary variables. I initially wrote it because I wanted there to be a funny reason that Trevor was in jail (rather than a darker one like him being a murderer or rapist) and that it would be one where he didn’t have a set end of sentence. Although there is voice over, I wanted to ‘show not tell’ so I added in the flashback.

I did a bit more research and it seems that indeterminate sentences have not really been allowed since the 70s in the US, and actually, a life term would be enough time for Carmen to grow up – maybe Trevor misbehaved in jail or was cheeky and had his sentence extended?

Having done further research, I think I will change it to a ‘three strikes’ scenario, whereby he had a couple of offences for petty theft, and then there was a mix up, but it was his third strike. He could be shown in court, as we’d be using the set for other scenes, and that also fits in with Carmen being a lawyer and also her being sued by her ex-employee, so it works for the story as well.

Essentially, it cuts a sequence of a few scenes down to one scene which takes place on a set that we’re using for other scenes.

So, I guess the dramatic goal was to have Carmen’s father absent from her life but for a funny reason, rather than a dark one.

I can accomplish that goal by using a courtroom scene instead.

My new locations list has cut three and is down to 15, and I’m sure when I write it up, it will decrease the page count as well – bonus! It will also cut a TON of extras, and a few characters with speaking lines, although they’re likely to be replace with courtroom characters.

Number of Locations – Count
= 18 (though some are grouped, 35 listed in software)

Bar (same bar can be reused
in all the scenes)

Carmen’s house (bathroom,
bedroom, kitchen, living room)

Carmen’s car

Carmen’s head

Carmen’s office, aka
Tumbler and Associates (external shot, Carmen’s office, conference room,
corridors, security office, hallway, lift, main office, reception)

Church

Coffee Shop

Convenience Store

Courthouse (external shot,
courtroom, corridors)

Dr Fearnsby’s House
(drawing room)

Dr Fearnsby’s Office

Duncan’s House

Duncan’s Office

<s>Park</s>

Prison (external shot,
visitor’s lounge)

<s>Pub Garden</s>

Susan’s house

<s>Town Hall (reception and
toilets)</s>

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is… that working with other people is great! Bouncing ideas off another person allows you both to come up with things you would never have thought of otherwise, and that end up being better for both. Clarifying things at this stage will also save a lot of time, effort and aggravation and keep the channels of communication open throughout the whole process.

The treatment allows the story to be developed between the pair, without such an intensive input from the writer, ensuring smoother sailing going forward.

Title: The Love Stop

Genre: Romcom/Mystery

Structure: 3 Act

Synopsis:

Hunter is starting over in a new city. Pragmatic, but also a dreamer, he loves noir novels and solving mysteries, and sees cases everywhere. Love is the last thing on his mind after his last relationship ended in huge humiliation, when he discovered the open secret that he was being cheated on, betrayed by his best friend and everyone else who knew. He starts a new job as a member of police support staff, at a headquarters complex which is in the middle of nowhere. As an ecological objector, he doesn’t drive, so has to take a long bus journey to get to the office.

On his first day, he meets Courtney, driven, funny and observant, and the manager of the team in the office next door. The supporting cast of office workers seem to be threatened by the new guy, train him badly and “prank” him by stealing his lunch. Hunter considers going back to his boring old job, cheating ex and the city he was accustomed to – just because it is familiar and terrible in a slightly less scary way. On Friday, Courtney walks Hunter down to get the bus with her. The attraction is obvious. He says to his flatmate that night “I hate this job, but if I can find a few more people like Courtney, it will be alright.”

Courtney and Hunter talk about the people on the bus and she tells him that she sketches people and the places they pass by as her therapy. She shows Hunter her drawings. He notices one person who has changed a lot since Courtneys first sketch, and wonders why. Hunter shares his love of mysteries with her, and that he senses a mystery here, but Courtney initially laughs off his theory. After he has left the bus, she looks at the sketches again, and starts to wonder a little herself.

Hunter and Courtney don’t see each other much at work – in the kitchen making a cuppa, in a shared meeting – but they still see each other on the bus. They wait for each other, although neither of them actually tells the other that. The initial spark is still there and they accidentally meet up for drinks when they discover they have friends in common. They start dating but are secretive because they think that their jobs will judge them harshly for it. They make up stories about some of the people on the bus and eventually come back to the one person that has changed a lot. After a lot of persuasion, Courtney agrees to follow the man from the bus and find out where he goes when his journey ends.

When they follow him from the bus, he ends up going to a park, and sitting on a bench. They are sad when they see that he is completely alone and when he breaks down and cries, Courtney decides to go over. She explains how they found him and he tells her his story: he was really happy until his fiancée disappeared after a yoga class one day. He reported it to the police but they wouldn’t do anything initially. Then they told him that she probably just left him. He doesn’t believe that because all her social media accounts are dead, her phone has gone dead, etc. He doesn’t have as many rights because they weren’t married and didn’t live together so feels out of options. He says, “I’ve been dumped enough times to know when someone wants out of a relationship, or when I’m being ghosted, but that’s not what happened here.”

They decide to tell their head of department, who has the seniority to get the case resourced, but he is dismissive and Courtney backs down, fearing for her promotion options and betraying Hunter in the process. Outside of work, they fight. Courtney makes it worse when she has to review Hunter’s performance and finds out that he has been doing a piece of work wrong – having been set up by his jealous co-workers. Hunter tells Courtney he wishes he’d never moved there and that he wishes they’d never met.

Courtney feels awful about their fight and reviews her sketches on the bus ride home. She sees the changes in the man on the bus and realises that life is short and sometimes love can be even shorter. The next morning, she goes to see the supervisor to ask for an investigation and eventually persuades him there is more to the case, based on evidence that Hunter found.

Courtney tells Hunter she got the investigation reopened but he is still hurt and angry. Courtney does her own surveillance and hates seeing Hunter like that. She decides to put it all on the line, and calls a departmental meeting at the bus stop, where she proposes to Hunter in front of everyone. He says yes!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Hi everyone! I’m based in the UK, so I don’t know if there is anyone else based this side of the Atlantic that it would make sense to partner with for time zones and stuff. I can be fairly flexible with call times, though.

As you’ll see from my synopsis, I’m not totally clear on my idea. I was going to try and write a different movie based on my experiences in IT, but that was a psychological thriller (although I suppose I could try and work it into a romcom!). This is basically the story of how I met my husband, although there wasn’t much conflict there, so I’ll need to work on getting that in.

Title: The Love Stop

Genre: Romcom

Logline: A couple who are thrown together by work get to know each other at a bus stop, and overcome all the obstacles to find true love.

Synopsis:

Courtney is starting fresh in a new city and starts her new job, which she does not like. She meets Hunter in the kitchen, as he is talking to a colleague about hiding a love bite on his neck, and she finds out he’s recently been dumped. He also works in the next office to her (with others). He is a workaholic, partly due to the pressure, and isn’t doing much other than work at the moment.

At the end of the first week, Courtney has to get the bus home (the office is out in the sticks and she’s been getting lifts from a friend) and Hunter walks down to get the bus with her. The attraction is obvious. She says to her friend that night “I hate this job, but if I can find a few more people like Hunter, it will be alright.”

They both start to look for each other on the bus, or at the bus stop, and then get to know each other. The bus is never on time. Getting her number – the reluctance to give his hand sends out a signal – confusing! What’s the excuse for asking for it?

He takes a week off, but she gets a call for him and asks to take a message. “I’ve just spoken to him a few minutes ago.” She goes into the next office, and is given his mobile number (even though she already has it). She calls and they then arrange to meet for a drink after work, and mostly just bitch about work and then go their separate ways.

At the Christmas party, they talk a lot, and there is gossip. A week or so later, on Christmas Eve, he walks in and asks if she’s going into town to start her Christmas shopping – she says he’s crazy, but is a bit sad not to be going. But on New Year’s Eve, they are out with non-work friends, and discover a connection, and they kiss at midnight and then start dating shortly after. “Can I see you tomorrow? I mean, today?”

It goes well until work complicates things:

They don’t tell anyone because it’s against company rules. (What is the company? Why do they have those rules?) She overhears him being quizzed about his love life, and someone suggesting her as a match. He says “no, she’s too young”, the office scoffs, then he says “OK then, too immature”. His excuse is trying to put them off the scent, but it creates tension.

She is set up by the other office women (who she doesn’t like) and then he has to tell her that she’s done a piece of work wrong? But she followed the training and instructions.

One day, he is still kinda getting on the bus, but lets her miss it – “Why didn’t you ask him to wait?” Other work people were on the bus and he didn’t want them to suspect. They are also both grumpy on the bus into work in the morning, sipping their coffees together in silence.

Another time, she is on the bus before him, he only catches it at the next stop. He doesn’t seem her when he gets on the bus, then gets off somewhere else. What if he has found another girlfriend?

What else goes wrong?

How else does he try to win her back? He waits and misses a bus once or twice to try and see her? Does he do the classic thing of humiliating himself at work for her? Somehow she doesn’t quite forgive him.

The end – he has found a new job and proposes at the bus stop. ??

– Chatting at bus stop – dialogue needs to be razor sharp

– Other meetings with other colleagues?

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Writing Sample Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is… that I can prep for being hired by Producers just like I would prep for any office job. My 10 page sample is my application, my business decisions for the script are kinda part of the interview, where I’d try to anticipate what they’d ask me in advance and have answers for them. I haven’t done any writing assignments, but I’ve done a ton of job interviews (from both sides of the table). Once again, the skills that I’ve learned during what I thought was wasted time can actually help me now.

I’m really late, but am trying to catch up! The next couple of weeks are much less busy, so I will be able to post feedback in return.

HIGH STANDARDS – my sample. My genre is romcom, and I’ve tried to pick a bit that has comedy and a little romance. I’m not sure if I should have just gone for all-out comedy though, as I think there are funnier bits in the script at the moment.

Carmen is a successful lawyer and is outed as a virgin by an employee she fired. Peri is a (current) employee of hers, who has befriended Carmen since things kicked off. Doctor Fearnsby is Carmen’s therapist, and her longest male relationship. Duncan Wilson is an opposition lawyer that Carmen frequently clashes with.

INT. BAR – EVENING

Carmen is at the bar again, speed dating. She is the most

attractive woman in the bar by a long way.

The bell rings, and everyone switches seats. Carmen has

already rejected everyone: Talks too much. Spits too much.

Has no heart. Total coward.

Carmen is presented with a new man, dressed in a shirt and

tie.

PINOCCHIO

Hi, I’m Eric.

CARMEN

Hi Eric, I’m Carmen. So, what do

you do?

PINOCCHIO

I work in the financial markets.

Pinocchio’s nose grows a little.

CARMEN

That tie says otherwise. What do

you really do?

PINOCCHIO

What do you do?

CARMEN

I run my own law firm.

PINOCCHIO

Impressive.

An awkward silence while they both sip their drinks in

consolation.

CARMEN

Whereabouts in the city do you

live?

PINOCCHIO

About a mile from here, not far

from where I grew up.

Another long, stiff silence.

CARMEN

Does that mean you still live

with your parents?

PINOCCHIO

No! Just chose to stay local.

Pinocchio’s nose grows a little more. Another silent

lapse.

CARMEN

Any siblings?

PINOCCHIO

Nope. Only child.

Pinocchio’s nose continues to grow. Carmen stifles a yawn.

She notices the tan line on his finger where his wedding

ring used to be.

CARMEN

Tough divorce?

Pinocchio laughs.

PINOCCHIO

Never been married. What made

you think-?

The bell rings, just in time. Carmen adds ’Compulsive

liar’ to the list.

A surprisingly handsome, well-dressed man sits down.

CARMEN

Hi, I’m Carmen.

DELIVERY MAN

Carmen. Distinctive name. You’re

not Carmen Tumbler, are you?

CARMEN

Yes. Do I know you?

The man reaches inside his coat.

DELIVERY MAN

You’ve been served.

Confused, Carmen opens up the envelope to read that she is

being sued for wrongful dismissal by Alex.

INT. CARMEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Carmen is on the phone to Peri, in her pajamas.

CARMEN

(into phone)

And you’ll never guess who’s

representing her.

PERI (V.O.)

Who?

CARMEN

Duncan Wilson!

PERI (V.O.)

Don’t tell me – you hate that

guy.

Carmen collapses down on the bed, defeated.

INT. CARMEN’S OFFICE – THE NEXT MORNING

Carmen is in her office, on the phone, looking bored. Peri

arrives.

CARMEN

Yes, we’ve known each other for

years. Uh-huh… Sure… Well, it’s

all hard feelings because

lawyers don’t have any soft

feelings. Sure… Business is

business. I’ll say this for you

– you must like a challenge.

You’re going to lose, again, and

lose badly. Fine. Bye.

Carmen signals that she should come in, rolls her eyes and

makes a ’blah blah blah’ signal with her hand. Hangs up.

PERI

Bad time?

CARMEN

Nah, just Duncan Wilson calling

to gloat. I hate that guy!

PERI

(with Carmen)

…hate that guy.

Peri passes Carmen a file, which she opens, scans, signs,

flicks a page. Peri lingers opposite Carmen while she

continues with the file.

PERI

What did he say?

CARMEN

He said that he was only

representing Alex because he

wants to have the opportunity,

no hard feelings. But I hate

him!

PERI

Did you actually think that you

might not hate him?

Carmen does not look up from the file.

CARMEN

No.

PERI

I think you might love him.

This suggestion doesn’t even warrant looking away from the

file.

CARMEN

Don’t be ridiculous.

PERI

Is it so ridiculous?

Carmen again does not look up.

CARMEN

Of course, it’s laughable.

PERI

Name one other lawyer you hate

as much as Duncan.

Carmen finally puts the file down on the desk.

CARMEN

That I can’t think of anyone is

just another example of how

hateful he is, it’s not on me.

PERI

OK. Name one other person you

know that hates him as much as

you.

CARMEN

I don’t know.

Carmen returns the file to Peri, who snatches it up.

PERI

You love him.

CARMEN

You’re just being childish now.

PERI

You’re the childish one – well,

when it comes to talking about

Duncan, anyway.

CARMEN

I’m not childish! I’m a

professional woman who kicks

ass.

PERI

OK. Describe Duncan.

CARMEN

He’s a stupid lawyer with a big

stupid head and-

PERI

And you love him.

CARMEN

Where do you get these ideas?

Carmen shakes her head as Peri walks out of the office.

PERI

(mouths)

You love him.

Peri blows kisses at Carmen, makes a heart shape with her

hands, then realizes someone might see her and stops

immediately.

INT. DR FEARNSBY’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Dr Fearnsby is sat in his usual place with his usual

countenance. Carmen is on the couch, right on the edge,

waving her hands around.

CARMEN

I just can’t stop thinking about

the ridiculousness of it all.

Peri, not only a friend but an

employee, thinks that I could

love someone like Duncan Wilson!

Duncan. Wilson.

DR FEARNSBY

You have worried that you

weren’t capable of loving

anyone.

CARMEN

I’d rather be incapable of love

than love Duncan Wilson. The

man’s just… urgh!

Carmen falls back to her default position.

CARMEN

I don’t know what he is, but I

definitely don’t love it.

DR FEARNSBY

Carmen, I’m going to say

something now, and I want you to

remain quiet until I finish.

CARMEN

You only say that when it’s

something bad, but… Fine.

DR FEARNSBY

You have been coming to me for a

number of years now. You’ve

known Duncan Wilson for

approximately three of those

years. You’ve mentioned him to

me many, many times.

Dr Fearnsby consults his notes. One page has a doodle of a

dog chasing sheep on it, and a number of ’gate counters’

next to which he has totted up the total to 68. It also

has the note: ’Buy new tie’.

DR FEARNSBY (CONT’D)

One session you mentioned him a

total of sixty-eight times.

That’s more than once a minute.

If you really hated someone that

much, you would have done

something about it by now.

Dr Fearnsby checks his tie. It is horrible. He makes a

note on today’s pad: ’Buy new tie NOW’.

CARMEN

Like what?

DR FEARNSBY

Like murdered him. Trust me.

Even if you hadn’t wanted to do

it consciously, I’m pretty sure

if you hated him this much he’d

be dead by now. You’d… I don’t

know, have driven by his office

and accidentally run him over.

Carmen frowns at what Dr Fearnsby has said.

CARMEN

So?

DR FEARNSBY

He’s not dead. And you’re in

love with him.

CARMEN

No. But… No, I can’t be.

DR FEARNSBY

I’m afraid so.

A small piece of Carmen’s world crumbles.

CARMEN

Noooooooooooooooo!

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Carmen sits at a busy bar, dressed to the nines. She is

surrounded by men. She is absolutely intoxicated, slurring

and unsteady in her seat.

CARMEN

He won the no-bell prize.

The men laugh way too much at her joke.

BAR GUY 1

Because of the knock-knocking.

That’s gold.

BAR GUY 2

Can I get you another?

CARMEN

Sure! Let’s all have another!

Bar Guy 2 wasn’t offering for everyone.

BAR GUY 3

So, Carmen. Do you live nearby?

CARMEN

I do. My house is nice. I have

lots of shoes.

BAR GUY 3

I love shoes!

CARMEN

No way! Wanna see mine?

BAR GUY 3

Oh yes.

Instead of getting up to take him home, Carmen takes off

her left shoe and shows him.

CARMEN

They’re so pretty!

Carmen laughs, slightly scarily.

BAR GUY 3

So, can I see your other shoes?

CARMEN

(considering)

Maybe. You look clean enough.

BAR GUY 3

(to others)

You heard her, I’m going home

with her.

BAR GUY 1

That’s not what I heard. You?

BAR GUY 2

Not a chance.

BAR GUY 3

We’re not all going to make it.

BAR GUY 1

So back off.

BAR GUY 2

You back off.

As the drunken Bar Guys start shoving each other, Carmen

is oblivious and rapidly drinking something with an

umbrella and a cherry in it.

The disturbance makes people in the bar look over,

including Duncan, who recognizes Carmen, leaves his

friends and saunters over.

DUNCAN

What’s going on?

BAR GUY 3

This chick is some lawyer who’s

apparently a virgin, so I’m

going to take her home and bang

her ‘til-

CARMEN

Duncan?

Carmen squints at him, then puts her hands over his face.

CARMEN (CONT’D)

I thought I recognized your

stupid head.

DUNCAN

Stupid?

CARMEN

You’re stupid!

DUNCAN

You’re winning at the moment.

Duncan is clear about that.

BAR GUY 1

Hey man, we’ve done the

groundwork here-

BAR GUY 2

Bought all the drinks-

DUNCAN

Are you unhinged? You got her so

drunk she’s not fit to make a

decision about anything. And I

know her.

(considers)

I thought I did.

BAR GUY 3

She said she’d bang me, so…

BAR GUY 2

She did not!

DUNCAN

If she was giving her car away

for free in this state, would

you take it?

BAR GUY 1

She drives a Mercedes, so yeah!

Duncan opens his wallet, pulls out several notes, and

distributes them among the Bar Guys.

DUNCAN

You should be ashamed of

yourselves. Here, now I bought

all the drinks, so buzz off.

The Bar Guys disappear. Duncan sits down next to Carmen,

who has been sucking on a straw in an empty glass since

Duncan arrived.

CARMEN

This is nice!

Carmen points at her empty glass. Duncan is bewildered.

DUNCAN

The glass is empty, Carmen.

Carmen giggles.

CARMEN

Then you’d better fill me up.

All the way up.

Carmen tries to wink but it turns out like a long blink.

DUNCAN

Alright, party time is over. Cab

time is now.

CARMEN

No, I want to party!

Duncan helps Carmen off the bar, towards the doors, as she

continues to protest.

EXT. BAR – CONTINUOUS

Duncan hails a cab as he props up Carmen. She is staring

at him intently. They’ve never been this close before and

she sees him anew.

DUNCAN

Is there something on my face?

CARMEN

Just your stupid head!

A cab stops and Duncan helps Carmen in.

DUNCAN

Gotcha.

She rolls the window down and Duncan gestures to the

driver to wait for a second. She sticks her head out

through the window, staring even deeper, childlike,

unnerving Duncan.

CARMEN

What would happen if I loved

you?

DUNCAN

Why would you say that?

CARMEN

Peri says I love you. And Dr F.

But they’re wrong!

DUNCAN

Then you don’t need to worry

about it. Go home.

CARMEN

But what if I did love you?

Duncan hesitates for a second but bets on Carmen being too

drunk to remember.

DUNCAN

I’d love you right back. That’s

what.

Duncan tenderly strokes her face, then puts her head back

inside the car. He hands the cabbie cash and a dog-eared

card of Carmen’s.

INT. CARMEN’S OFFICE – THE NEXT DAY

Carmen sits typing.

Distracted, she picks up her own card, contemplating,

comparing it to the stack on her desk. It is a different

card – a personal one she gives to dates.

CARMEN

(to self)

How did you even get this? Urgh,

even when you’re nice you’re

still annoying.

She turns the card over and sees it is covered in gatecounters,

a split down the middle keeping track of ‘her’

and ‘me’. She is winning.

Carmen summons all the courage she can and dials the

phone.

CARMEN

(into phone)

Duncan? Hi, Carmen. Listen,

don’t inter-

(pause)

Yeah, I don’t really remember

getting home last night, but I

do remember seeing you, and I

wanted to apologize.

(pause)

Uh-huh. Well, I would call you a

stupid head sober, so…

INT. DUNCAN’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Duncan sits at his desk in his cavernous office, which is

twice the size of Carmen’s. It is all business.

DUNCAN

…No, you didn’t do anything

terminally embarrassing.

Duncan closes his eyes, remembering her question.

DUNCAN

Oh, I don’t know if you’d have

done it sober, but we’re fine.

INT. CARMEN’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Carmen walks around the desk and perches on the other

side.

CARMEN

(into phone)

Anyway, thanks. Let me know what

I owe you for the taxi. I got a

receipt that says cash, and I

never have cash so…

(pause)

Yeah, see you in court.

INT. DUNCAN’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

Duncan replaces the receiver of his office phone,

dejected.

He picks up one of Carmen’s business cards, which is

pristine. His hope returns stronger than ever.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Joy Smith.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is… The key thing with my current script is probably to cut the budget and I’ll need to get innovative with that. I’m happy that I’m comfortable with all the factors that are business decisions, and I feel that I could look at them from another perspective. It will definitely inform how I create the script for the other concept we chose for this class.

1. Give us the decisions that are in your current High Budget script:

Genre – RomCom <div>

Title – High Standards

Concept – What if the
40-year-old Virgin was a woman?

Audience – Females over 25,
possibly under 25 depending on what they think of the humor.

Budget – $15-40 million

Lead Characters – Carmen
Tumbler, a successful 39-year-old lawyer who is ‘outed’ as a virgin after
she fires one of her employees.

Journey / Character Arc – Carmen
is told by her therapist that she isn’t crazy, it’s just that her
standards are too high, and sets her homework of finding out why. It turns
out that her perfect ‘dead’ father is actually in prison, and the man she
insists she hates is her soulmate.

Opening / Ending – The opening
is Carmen rejecting men at speed dating for ridiculous reasons, and then
running into her soulmate when he’s on a date. The ending is Carmen finding
out that she rejected her soulmate on a speed date a couple of years
earlier, and her soulmate confessing that he’s also a virgin.

2. Tell us which of those decisions you could improve to make your script more marketable.

<div>
</div>

Title – I think this works
in relation to the movie, but I’m not sure it conveys that it is a romcom
or that the movie is necessarily about a 39-year-old virgin.
Budget – I could definitely
cut the budget, as I have a few scenes in bars, a café, and a flashback
explaining why her Dad is in prison.

Opening – I could maybe make
this more dynamic, though I feel it’s fairly funny. It is driven by Carmen
and instantly gives us insight into her world. I feel the ending is pretty
solid as it’s romantic that her soulmate has been kinda waiting for her
and also delivers on the genre convention of them being equals.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Hi

Unfortunately I can’t attend these – will there be replays posted anywhere?

Many thanks,

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith’s Credibility Is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment is… a reinforcement of before, that I have very low credibility, but that it is possible for me to increase it with consistent action.

CREDIBILITY CHECKLIST

1. Your Writing Sample

‘Recommend’ from Coverage –
no <div>

Delivers on the genre in a
strong way – yes (I think so, anyway!)

Delivers on the business
decisions – yes (I think so, anyway!)

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments

Contest wins – no </div><div>

Smaller deals (options,
sales, writing assignments) – no

Larger deals – no

Movies produced – no

3. The Google factor

Google your name. How many items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter?

This is an interesting one – the first thing that shows up is my Stage32 profile, although I haven’t used that in several years. BUT I can update it, in the same way as my linked in profile. The next one is an old Twitter account that I guess I could reactivate and start again with (though I don’t really ‘do’ social media and would prefer to focus on LinkedIn).

Then it’s a profile at CreativePool (for freelancers) and then a Pinterest account, which again, I haven’t used, but I could pick up and start over with. So, with a bit of a polish this could be reasonable in at least establishing that I am a writer, rather than just a random person with a script. Interestingly, my LinkedIn doesn’t show up… yet!

4. Your Network

How many producers are in
your network? – I’m guessing 0

How many Connections do you
have who are connected to producers? – probably more than 0

My networks are currently non-existent (17 connections!), so I need to work on building them, although I’m not completely sure how.

5. Education specific to screenwriting

Degree in film or
screenwriting – no
Master Screenwriter
Certificate program at ScreenwritingU – no, just the ProSeries so far

6. Borrowed Credibility

Represented by an agent or
manager – no

Working with a producer –
not in the last decade

Connected to a star – no
Connected to a funding
source – no

7. IMDB CREDITS

Nothing. I could add in working as an SA/atmosphere on a UK TV production, but that doesn’t feel like it really buys me any credibility.

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

Novels published – no
Producer or director
experience – no
Experience working with
agencies, production companies, film festivals, etc. – no</div><div>

Put together your plan for increasing your credibility.

1. Based upon the Credibility Model in this lesson, fill in the Credibility Checklist to show us your current credibility. – Above

2. Make a list of possible things you can do to increase your credibility in the future.

– create a writer website (although I don’t really know what that would look like, or what I would put on it…)

– write a permafree book of short scripts that I could put on Amazon

– revitalise my profiles and tidy up my Google results so they’re focussed on being a writer

– Try to build my network on LinkedIn (and maybe Twitter, although I’m les keen on that)

3. At the top of the page, tell us the 2 or 3 steps you’ll take in the next 30 days to increase your credibility.

– all of the above – the short scripts might not quite be ready in 30 days, but I’m hoping it will be.

4. Answer the question ‘What I learned doing this assignment is…?’ and put it at the top of your work. – Done

_________

I’ve worked as an SA/atmosphere, which gave me some incredible insights into how movies/TV is actually made. I don’t know whether or not that’s worth including on my LinkedIn or mentioning anywhere for credibility. I’ve also completed the UKs Channel 4 Skills Work Experience, but I don’t know if that is well known enough to add to credibility (or if it will make me look more obscure/amateurish).

Opinions welcome!

—————

Joy Smith’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing

What I learned doing this assignment is… that my LinkedIn Profile definitely does need as much work as I thought it did, but I don’t really know how to improve it, as I don’t have anything much on my credibility checklist.

I couldn’t find the category that Hal had listed in the assignment, so I just used ‘Artists and Writers’.

I’d love to connect with anyone from this course, and am happy to endorse anyone from Screenwriting U. My profile is: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joygeldardsmith

Elevate your LinkedIn Profile.

1. Print out your Credibility Checklist and compare it to your current LinkedIn page.

2. Make any instant improvements by highlighting the items that give you credibility as a screenwriter.

3. Then consider this list as you make a plan for the steps you’ll take in the next 30 days to improve your LinkedIn profile.

– Focus it around screenwriting

– Exchange endorsements

– Exchange recommendations

– Build your network of producers

4. Tell us the instant improvements you made to your LinkedIn Profile and your plan for improving your credibility on LinkedIn over the next 30 days.

4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Projects and Insights

My two projects are:

– High Standards – a finished script – mid-range budget $15-40 million

– The Love Stop – an idea – Hopefully lower budget of under $15 million

Tell us what you learned from the opening teleconference.

I’d done the Power Players course in January and learned there that my key problem was credibility. Because of my day job, the bits of credibility I had (working with a local producer, having a short film made) are now ridiculously out of date, and I am basically starting from scratch.

Hal reinforced that I am in control of my credibility, that I can build it up, and that I CAN get writing assignments. A lot of the qualities he talked about producers looking for are similar to project management ones – the deadlines change, the budgets change, you have to work with other people – so I know that I can do that too. Ironically, I think once I’m in the room, I should be more or less OK… but I need to build my credibility to get through the door in the first place.

I also learned that I had previously been a specialist (which I posted about before) so I’m not afraid of being a specialist again, because it rules. Imagine the nightmare it would be of being offered a screenwriting job that you weren’t into the genre of, but took because you wanted the money and the credit. It would SUCK having to use your time and amazing creativity on a movie that you weren’t passionate about. Specialism stops that.

I think mine will be romcoms, as when I looked at my list of loglines, I seem to have the most romcoms. I’m really happy with that because they always get made. I know for some (most?) writers working on lower budget romcoms for TV or Hallmark would be the worst, but, oh boy, after 15 years in IT, that would be heaven! Bring it on!

So many amazing ideas here, I can’t wait to watch your movies!

[Joy Smith]

I don’t know if this should be part of the first assignment, but I’m going to put it here anyway…

I worked in IT as a project manager for almost 20 years. I mention this because for a lot of years I felt like I had been wasting time, as to some extent as I knew I always wanted to write but got sucked into the stress of a day job. I worked in the public sector, too, so there was never any money to pay for good IT, it was always last minute and never cutting edge. Paying off my mortgage reframed it for me into something amazingly positive.

When Hal was talking about being pigeonholed, I realised that is what happened with me in my day job, and it was GREAT! In an organisation of close to 6000 people, I was ‘The Origin Lady’. I had a great team, but I managed an IT System while based in HR (and anyone who’s watched The Office knows what people think of HR!). But I knew my stuff – I’d worked at three other organisations with the same system before I got my last job. So I got out there, took no prisoners and became ‘The Origin Lady’.

A colleague of mine had the job title of ‘Resource Manager’ which meant that she was responsible for the teams that planned shift patterns/duties and cover levels. But her job title was vague, so people used to ask her about hiring temps, whether she could get them new desks, all sorts! I did not have that problem. I didn’t have to waste my time replying to queries about things that had absolutely nothing to do with me, or fending off projects from senior managers that I couldn’t deal with because I didn’t have the right qualifications. I got work sent to me that was relevant, that I was happy(ish!) to deal with, and most importantly, that was in my control and that I could deal with competently.

Thankfully, I now see my time in the corporate world as having taught me a lot of skills – deadlines, prioritisation, budget management, professionalism, the ability to collaborate – these are all things I can use as a screenwriter. And while I don’t ever want to be ‘The Origin Lady’ ever again, I’m looking forward to being known for something SO much better.

Don’t fear specialism! 😀

[Joy Smith]

Hi!

I’m Joy (usually just Joy Smith but there’s a few of us…)

I’ve written 3 features, a TV special and a pilot, and have a load of other loglines (including one I got an idea for when listening to Hal do the opening video!)

I hope to build my credibility throughout this class to the point where I get a writing assignment or optioned for my script. I did the Power Players course in January and it became really obvious that credibility is my biggest issue. Since then I’ve thought of a few ways that I can tackle that, and also started working as a freelance journalist, which is non-fiction, but at least it’s in the writing sphere (rather than IT!)

Something unusual about me is that I recently paid off my mortgage at 40, so I’m really grateful for that.

Can’t wait to get started!

[Joy Smith]

I, Joy Geldard-Smith, agree to the terms of the release.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Marketing Campaign

1. Read through the 10 Marketing Campaigns and select ONE that you’ll take action on immediately.

I think I need to start by building my network, as I don’t have any online profile at all for my writing. I’m based in the UK, and although I could visit LA, I don’t have any contacts there yet, so there’s probably not much point in doing that yet.

I love the idea of a kickstarter campaign – but I really need a network and fans of my writing to make that work.

I’d also like to do writing assignments, as I had some experience of this about a decade ago.

I think my main issue is credibility, so I need to work on building my profile and credibility before I put any more of these strategies into action. Thanks to everyone who replied about script coverage services.

2. Taking that campaign, make a plan of action, listing the actions you’ll take.

I’m going to use LinkedIn as my platform initially. This is my profile, if anyone wants to connect:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/joygeldardsmith/

I’m going to start to plan some posts, and every time I watch a movie, I’m going to write a mini-review and post that, as well as try and make contacts with some of the producers (if I can find them on LinkedIn).

I’m going to research other writer’s websites, and create a website for my writing. This will probably have a blog element to it, so I’ll come up with ideas for that as well. I’ll post a blog at least twice a month.

3. Tell us the first action you are going to take…and take it.

Connect with people on LinkedIn and update my profile there.

4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work.

What I learned is that there are many ways to market myself, and many of them aren’t as scary as I first thought. I’d love to start taking action now, but I don’t think I have the credibility to do that, so that’s where I’m going to start.

I have an idea for a movie that I think I can position myself as an expert in, so I’m going to start by writing that. First, I’m going to create a template that covers all the points from this course that Producers look for (e.g. synopsis hooks, 10 most interesting things) and I’m going to write that. Then start with the script.

While I’m doing that, I’m going to build up my LinkedIn profile, as well as create a website for my writing so that I am more visible as a writer.

I’d love to do the Master Screenwriter course (although I’m not sure if it’s open right now) but I don’t have the investment needed right now. I’m going to concentrate on the free things that I can do myself, and go from there.

Good luck everyone!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Query Letter Draft TWO

Subject: FIRST LAW

Dear Producer

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric hospitals. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.

Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss utterly rejects the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard, Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.

Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.

Cleo must find a way to survive in the hospital, prove her real identity and stop her roommate’s insanity catching hold of her as well.

The title ‘First Law’ is a reference to Newton’s laws of thermodynamics – that energy cannot be created or destroyed, just transferred from one form to another. This is what happens with Cleo and her roommate.

If you like the concept of First Law, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Yours faithfully,

Joy Smith

2. Post your revised query letter for critique on the forums under Lesson 11.

DONE

3. Rewrite your query letter, at least once, and post the revision as Draft 2.

DONE

4. Answer the question: “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work.

I learned that it’s best to be as clear and specific as possible, but that once the hooks are clear, writing a good query letter isn’t as difficult or as scary as I thought it might be. Pressing SEND will be though!

[Joy Smith]

Hello!

Not posting my assignment yet, but just wondered if anyone would recommend somewhere to get script coverage. We Screenplay seems to be the most recommended from Google, so wanted to ask if anyone has used it.

I haven’t submitted to competitions (there are so many!) but again, if anyone can recommend one that gives good feedback, that would be great.

If there’s anything I can do to return the favour, let me know!

Thanks

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Query Letter Draft ONE

Subject: FIRST LAW

Dear Producer

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric care homes. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.

Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!) Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.

Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.

Cleo must find a way to survive in the care home, as she tries to prove her real identity and her roommates insanity starts to catch hold of her as well.

If you like the concept of First Law, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Yours faithfully,

Joy Smith

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Target Market

Title: FIRST LAW

Genre: Thriller

Logline: A journalist unwittingly transfers her sanity to another patient while undercover in a psychiatric care facility, leaving her trapped there.

What I learned doing this assignment is… I now have a much better idea of how to approach producers, thanks to this course. This assignment in particular has reiterated that there are so many people involved in making movies, which is great, as it means that are lots of doors that can be opened to me. I just need to knock on the right doors, and keep knocking until one of them opens. I found over 50 ‘doors’ in about 20 minutes, so this is definitely possible!

Also, there are quite a few overlaps in producers, so building my network is also really important.

1. Make a list of five or more movies that are similar to yours and five actors that you might want to play your lead characters.

a) Unsane

b) Girl, Interrupted

c) Side Effects

d) Black Swan

2. Using the Targeting process above, go to http://www.imdb.com and find 50 to 100 producers (or more) for your specific project.

Unsane Producers:

Corey Bayes … co-producer

Dan Fellman … executive producer

Joseph Malloch … producer (produced by)

Ken Meyer … executive producer

Arnon Milchan … executive producer

Joseph P. Reidy … co-executive producer (as Joseph Reidy)

Robert T. Striem … associate producer (as Robert Striem)

Directed by Steven Soderberg – other projects:

– Perfect

– Solitary Man

– Michael Clayton

– The Jacket

– Insomnia

Perfect Producers:

Eddie Alcazar … producer

Flying Lotus … executive producer

Phil Hoelting … executive producer

Matthias Koenigswieser … executive producer

Javier Lovato … producer

Nikki Pederson … executive producer

Adam Silvestri … executive producer

Steven Soderbergh … executive producer

Marco Vicini … executive producer

Rooter Wareing … executive producer

Solitary Man Producers:

Boaz Davidson … executive producer

Moshe Diamant … executive producer (uncredited)

Danny Dimbort … executive producer

Joe Gatta … executive producer (uncredited)

Jared Goldman … co-producer

Donna Golomb … producer

Avi Lerner … executive producer

Heidi Jo Markel … producer

Paul Schiff … producer

Trevor Short … executive producer

Steven Soderbergh … producer

Michael Clayton Producers:

George Clooney … executive producer

Jennifer Fox … producer

Christopher Goode … co-producer

James Holt … executive producer

Anthony Minghella … executive producer

Kerry Orent … producer

Sydney Pollack … producer

Steve Samuels … producer (as Steven Samuels)

Steven Soderbergh … executive producer

The Jacket Producers:

George Clooney … producer

Ben Cosgrove … executive producer

Mark Cuban … executive producer

Jennifer Fox … executive producer

Marc Frydman … co-producer

Andreas Grosch … executive producer (as Andy Grosch)

Peter Guber … producer

Kia Jam … co-producer

Ori Marmur … executive producer

Peter McAleese … co-executive producer

Donald C. McKeon … co-producer

Philip McKeon … co-producer (as Philip A. McKeon)

Timothy J. Nicholas … executive producer

Chris Roberts … executive producer

Marc Rocco … co-producer

Andreas Schmid … co-producer

Steven Soderbergh … producer

Peter E. Strauss … executive producer

Todd Wagner … executive producer

Insomnia Producers:

George Clooney…executive producer

Ben Cosgrove…associate producer

Broderick Johnson…producer

Paul Junger Witt…producer

Andrew A. Kosove…producer

Edward L. McDonnell…producer

Kim Roth…executive producer

Charles J.D. Schlissel…executive producer

Steven Soderbergh…executive producer

Emma Thomas…co-producer

Tony Thomas…executive producer

Steven P. Wegner…associate producer

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Phone Pitch

<u style=””>What I learned from this lesson is…

I really struggle with initial part of this – I’m doubting whether or not what I have is strong enough to pitch, based on the criteria above and the examples that have already been posted by other students.

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

Write out your phone pitch along with answers to the questions.

1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:

Lead with credibility – definitely no, just a
writer with no competition wins <div>

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Lead with a great title – First Law

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Lead with a strong business hook – it’s an
original idea and I have no funding

<div>

Lead with a High Concept – I have a movie
about the transfer of insanity from one person to another

I struggled with this because I’m doubting whether any of the above are strong enough.

2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.

Hi, I’m Joy Geldard-Smith and I have a contained thriller called First Law. Could I run a quick pitch by you?

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would, but once her inside contacts are arrested, she finds herself trapped.

3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:

What’s the budget range?

I’d see it as up to $5million, as it’s mostly a contained thriller.

Who do you see in the main roles?

For Cleo, I was thinking Jennifer Lawrence, Margot Robbie, Sosie Bacon (or the actor whose production company it is)

How many pages is the script?

The script is 104 pages.

Who else has seen this?

So far, you’re the first.

Why do you think this fits our company?

The lead role of Cleo is a great role for any actor, and is also somewhat timely as mental health and the opioid crisis are explored.

How does the movie end?

At the moment, the movie ends with Cleo being stuck in the care home having had her life devasted and lost everything to the brain-altering medication she is on. I am working on an alternative ending where Cleo is released but doesn’t fully recover, as the medication has permanently changed her brain chemistry.

</div></div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Pitch Fest Pitch

1. Tell us your credibility.

This is where I fall short at the moment – I have none. No competitions, not optioned, haven’t worked as a journalist or in the psychiatric care industry.

2. Tell us your genre and title.

It’s a thriller called FIRST LAW

3. What is your one or two sentence hook?

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would, but once her inside contacts are arrested, she finds herself trapped.

4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:

What is the budget range?

I anticipate this being a low budget range, as though it’s not quite a contained thriller, it does only have a few locations. $500k-$5 million.

What actors do you like for the lead roles?

Jennifer Lawrence, Margot Robbie, Sosie Bacon

Give me the acts of the story.

Act 1 – Cleo sniffs out the story and is refused the assignment. She goes anyway

Act 2 – Cleo works on the story until her inside contacts are arrested and she is given real medication.

Act 3 – Cleo is stuck in the care home and the transfer of insanity from her room mate is complete.

<div>
</div>

How does it end? (setup / payoff).

It currently ends with Cleo being stuck in the care home, although I am exploring an alternative ending where she is released, but doesn’t regain her full faculties. (I’m a UK writer so need to ensure the details would be accurate for the US if applicable)

<div>
</div>

Credibility questions: What have you done?

I’ve written another three features and a TV pilot.

5. What I learned is…?

I struggle with credibility, although I kinda knew that anyway. I hadn’t ever considered researching actors for my lead roles before, although that does make perfect sense. (Especially since this is a good role, so I’m likely to be pitching to actor’s production companies anyway).

I was able to answer all the other questions relatively easily though, so hopefully my nerves wouldn’t get the better of me at a real life pitch fest.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Query Letter

1. Start with your synopsis from Lesson 6, even if it is a first draft.

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric care homes. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.

Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!) Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.

Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.

Cleo must find a way to survive in the care home, as she tries to prove her real identity and her roommates insanity starts to catch hold of her as well.

2. Craft an Opening Hook and put it at the top of the page.

This opening hook should lure us into the concept. Remember, it will be a bold statement, question, setup/punchline, or a quote from the lead character.

This was already part of my query letter (I learned it in ProSeries!). I used a question:

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

3. Write your Bio and add it below the salutation with the word “BIO:” before it.

I don’t have anything credible for my bio, although it’s a relief to read the advice of putting nothing, as that’s what I had been doing. I did actually get a read request back from the above query letter.

I’d asked about this in the Facebook group because I have sent a few queries off lately, as there seem to be producers looking for projects that my scripts fit at the moment.

I don’t really know what to do in terms of competitions, as I’ve been out of the screenwriting world for a few years, so am wondering about writing a script where I do have relevant experience (which I do already have a treatment for). It should be fairly marketable, and if it means it will open some doors, then it’s worth doing.

But let’s stick with the script I’ve been using throughout these assignments for now!

4. Make sure it has all the Basics covered (from Part One).

Opening Hook

Synopsis

Request

Bio

Contact information

Subject: FIRST LAW

Dear Producer

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric care homes. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.

Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!) Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.

Now, she is given real mind-altering medication.

Cleo must find a way to survive in the care home, as she tries to prove her real identity and her roommates insanity starts to catch hold of her as well.

If you like the concept of First Law, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Yours faithfully,

Joy Smith

+44 7719006946 | joy,geldard-smith@hotmail.com | 28 Truro Walk, Normanton, West Yorkshire, England, WF6 2DJ

5. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?

What I learned doing this assignment is that my query letter is solid, thanks to the ProSeries. It’s a shame that I don’t have anything credible to write in a bio, but that will all change soon. I can either write the script that I have some expertise in and start to market that, or I can continue pushing at the open doors until I have been optioned, etc.

[Joy Smith]

What I learned doing this assignment is…?

That once you have the hooks and marketable components defined, a synopsis falls into place pretty easily!

3. Organize those hooks into a sequence that makes sense for the story.

F. Ultimate – Yes. Getting committed is the ultimate way to get a story.

G. Wide audience appeal – Yes – people love a good conspiracy.

D. Emotional dilemma?

She knows she is onto a story that could have national implications and expose corruption. Should she put herself in harm’s way to expose it, or look after number one and find another scoop?

C. Any turning points?

· She goes against Jack’s wishes and gets Ben to get her into the care facility.

· Ben gets arrested and any sense of safety she had disappears – she realises she may be stuck in there.

· She starts to display actual symptoms, but is that just due to the medication?

G. Character betrayals?

· Ben – he is revealed to be a criminal and this is a betrayal of Cleo, as she is then trapped in the care home.

· Jack – he could do more to stay in touch with Cleo and get her out, but is preoccupied with his normal life.

F. Reversals?

The heart of the film is a reversal – she goes from being high functioning to needing psychiatric care. Her roommate undergoes the opposite transition, from being ill to being discharged.

4. Using those hooks as an outline, write a first draft of your synopsis.

Title: FIRST LAW

Written by Joy Smith

Genre: Thriller

Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.

An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric care homes. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.

Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!) Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.

Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.

Cleo must find a way to survive in the care home, as she tries to prove her real identity and her roommates insanity starts to catch hold of her as well.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

1. To find your main hook, tell us what the big picture explanation of your lead character’s journey is.

A journalist unwittingly transfers her sanity to another patient while undercover in a psychiatric care facility, leaving her trapped there.

2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?

<div>

What’s at stake?

FIRST LAW: A journalist risks her sanity for the ultimate story as she goes undercover at a psychiatric care facility.

3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?

My strongest marketable component was ULTIMATE – getting committed is the ultimate way to chase a story.

PITCH: I’m working on a script about the ultimate price a journalist would pay for a story. Would you risk your sanity?

4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.

My pitch seems to be better than my script! Based on the last assignment, I need to work on the structure of my script (twists, reveals, reversals) and making my lead character more unique. But knowing that helps immensely, and I can work on that without changing the main crux of the story.

</div>

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s 10 Most Interesting Things

1. Go through your project and see which of these specific hooks you have:

A. What is most unique about
your villain and hero?

This REALLY got me thinking, as I’m not sure I have a clear villain – they’re both the same character. She is driven and puts herself in harms way to get her story, which is where things start to fall apart and go badly wrong for her.

B. Major hook of your
opening scene?

Foreshadowing. She gets trapped in an elevator, but completely shrugs it off and continues working. She has a deadline.

C. Any turning points?

She goes against Jack’s wishes and gets Ben to get her into the care facility.

Ben gets arrested and any sense of safety she had disappears – she realises she may be stuck in there.

She starts to display actual symptoms, but that may be due to the medication.

D. Emotional dilemma?

She knows she is onto a story that could have national implications and expose corruption. Should she put herself in harm’s way to expose it, or look after number one and find another scoop?

E. Major twists?

Ben, her friend and ‘good guy’, is arrested for sleeping with his patients and skimming meds.

Cleo starts to show signs of mental illness.

F. Reversals?

The heart of the film is a reversal – she goes from being high functioning to needing psychiatric care. Her roommate undergoes the opposite transition, from being ill to being discharged.

G. Character betrayals?

Ben – he is revealed to be a criminal and this is a betrayal of Cleo, as she is then trapped in the care home.

Jack – he could do more to stay in touch with Cleo and get her out, but is preoccupied with his normal life.

H. Or any big surprises?

That Ben was actually doing equally bad things to the malpractice that he had talked about.

2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.

Relevant to the opioid crisis and how mental health patients are treated/the healthcare system.

Should be low budget, not quite a contained thriller, but a low number of locations.

Transfer of sanity from one roommate to the other – with help from brain-altering psychiatric drugs.

3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.

4. What I learned doing this assignment is…?

I’m concerned now that the script is not unique or interesting enough, or otherwise that I’m not pitching it quite right. I’ve used the same/similar plot points for some of the above, so I might need to revisit the whole thing.

At the moment, it ends with her being left in the care institution, but I had an alternative where her friend gets her out, but she still needs care and doesn’t ever go back to the woman she was before. I don’t know what would happen in that scenario, though, I need to research what would happen to her under the US healthcare system. (I’m based in the UK).

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith – Producer/Manager

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?

I would present myself honestly – as someone with a corporate background who has always written. I would explain that my corporate role was as an IT project manager, which meant changes to scope, budget and delivery dates, but that I thrive in that environment. This has made me adaptable and shows that I am prepared to be flexible to get this movie made.

I would show that I have researched my niche (previous successful films and the audience) and that the roles I have written will appeal to talent.

2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?

I would present myself as a creative with a corporate background. My corporate background means that I have learned to respect deadlines and to work as part of a team in order to make a project happen.

I would present my project along with some other loglines in a similar genre, to show that I am serious about building a career as a screenwriter, and that I am not just someone with a single idea. I would be upfront about the fact that I’m not great at pitching, but that I am definitely willing to learn and be as flexible as possible.

3. What I learned today is…?

That I have attributes that both managers and producers look for. While some of these come from me directly (like my creativity and passion) I have learned others through experiences that I didn’t think would be relevant to my writing career (like working as an IT Project Manager – the horror!). I never thought that the job I hated would actually give me transferable skills that would make me more appealing as a writer!

[Joy Smith]

Joy Smith’s Marketable Components

1. Tell us your current logline:

An ambitious journalist goes undercover at a psychiatric care facility to uncover malpractice, only to find her own sanity slipping away from her.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.

A. Unique – Yes – there are plenty of films at psychiatric care homes, but I’m not aware of one where the person is admitted voluntarily/undercover.

B. Great Title – Yes. It’s short and snappy, but also a reference to the first law of thermodynamics, which states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, just transferred from one form to another. In the movie, the main character is sane until she starts sharing a room at the care facility, and her roommate, as well as some strong meds, start to make her sick. Her roommate is discharged at the end of the movie, while she is left there.

C. True – No.

D. Timely — connected to some major trend or event – a little. Big pharma and the opioid crisis.

E. It’s a first – No.

F. Ultimate – Yes. Getting committed is the ultimate way to get a story.

G. Wide audience appeal – Yes – people love a good conspiracy.

H. Adapted from a popular book – No.

I. Similarity to a box-office success – Maybe – there are lots of themed around psychiatric care. How do you find the budget information, though?

J. A great role for a bankable actor – Yes, definitely.

3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.

Example: If you say your script has a great role, in one or two sentences, tell us how you can emphasize that role as you pitch your concept.

Unique –You’d have to be out of your mind to want to stay at a psychiatric care facility, right? But Cleo, an ambitious journalist, has just done exactly that to chase her next scoop – malpractice and overuse of pharmaceuticals.

Title – basically what I wrote above!

Timely – Following the recent headlines about the opioid crisis, trust in big pharmaceutical firms and medical institutions has been eroded. This movie explores those themes while making clear the costs of people, relationships and lost potential.

Ultimate – Would you risk your sanity for the perfect story? When a friend unloads to Cleo about abuse within the psychiatric healthcare sector, she is determined to go undercover to clinch her next big expose, even if it means risking her own mental health.

Wide Audience Appeal – From Enemy of the State to Jason Bourne to The Manchurian Candidate, people love to feel part of the conspiracy, or break through the conspiracy.

[This is something that could be emphasised in the script, as the psychological journey of the main character slightly takes over.]

Great Actor Role – The role of Cleo would be great for any actor, especially one who has an interest in mental health causes. The role is a challenge, having to portray both an ambitious professional and someone who doesn’t know where she is or what day it is.

4. What I learned doing this assignment is…?

I learned that my script has marketable elements, but that I can elevate them and get more producers interested. Having the hooks and translating them to my pitch is ultimately what will get the producers interested enough to request a script. The fact that there are different marketable elements means that I still have a ton of creative options, and that marketing is not the enemy – after all, the scripts I have written have been sat in a drawer for long enough!

I’m going to start using these criteria to filter my ideas before I write any further scripts so that I can give them the best chance of getting made.

[Joy Smith]

I, Joy Smith, agree to the terms of this release form.

[Joy Smith]

Joy Geldard-Smith – THRILLER – ACTOR’S PRODUCTION COMPANY

1. Give us your Genre, Title, and Concept.

Genre: Thriller

Title: First Law

Concept: An ambitious journalist goes undercover at a psychiatric care facility to uncover malpractice, only to find herself questioning her own sanity.

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.

I think this is attractive for two reasons. Firstly, everyone loves a good conspiracy, and big pharma is a likely target, especially with all the recent focus on the opioid crisis. Secondly, it’s a good vehicle for an actor to give an excellent performance, as it’s based on one person, their struggle with mental health, and how finely the balance can be tipped.

3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target.

I would target an actor’s production company first, as the role (hopefully!) will appeal to an actor.

4. Answer the question “What I learned today is…?”

What I learned today is that without actually realising it at the time, I had written a script that would be perfect for an actor’s production company. I hadn’t really considered marketing it that way before, or thought of all the avenues listed, such as management companies that also produce. This is great, because it means that there are a lot more doors open to me than I first thought – I just need to research them once I’ve perfected my pitch!

[Joy Smith]

Hi everyone!

I’m Joy, and I’m based in the UK.

I’ve written four features and a TV pilot, and have a bunch of one-page outlines that are waiting…

Like a couple of other writers in the group, I’ve created on and off due to various reasons, including the j-o-b. I’m hoping to get something at least optioned throughout this course, to prove to myself and my husband that this is something I can do seriously.

Something strange about me is that I don’t like Christmas food – mince pies, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding – but I always end up making it for my family to eat without me!

[Joy Smith]

Hi Harry! Just giving you a wave as I’m also in the UK (near Leeds) 👋

[Joy Smith]

Wow – five passports! I watched MI Dead Reckoning at the weekend so am imagining you getting up to all sorts of spy stuff… :o)

[Joy Smith]

Hi Suzanne

Congratulations on three scripts! I have no doubt that we’ll all be writing more effectively and finishing more scripts by the end of the 30 days.

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug. My Mom died when I was 20, which is 20 years ago now. I still miss her but I also realize the ways that she’s still with me, how she shaped me, and the impact she had on the world.

A couple of months ago I found out something new about her from her best friend. She used to drink herbal tea, and buy it in packs of different flavours, and separate out the bags. She’d put it into Tupperware and turned it into a lucky dip, so each cup of tea was an adventure. I laughed so hard because that’s just like her.

No doubt your Mom was amazing too, and no doubt you’ll realize all the ways she’s still with you.

Another big hug!

[Joy Smith]

Hi Lynn!

I write romcoms too – love your concept! No doubt it will be an amazing script by the end of this course. Can’t wait to watch it!

[Joy Smith]

No rush – I’m behind on things myself. My email is joy.geldard-smith@hotmail.com – drop me a line when you’re ready. :o)

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

Sure – that sounds great! What timezone are you in? I’m in GMT+1 (BST).

My email is joy.geldard-smith@hotmail.com Let’s get something set up.

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

Thanks for the feedback! I always get stuck with phonecalls, as I’m never sure where the line is for when you start ‘directing’, but the split line thing would definitely make more sense for this as a writing sample, so I will try and figure out how to format it. Terrie picked up on the fact that I haven’t even described Peri in the sample, so I definitely need to revisit that scene so that it makes sense to people who aren’t me!

Thanks again, that’s really useful.

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Terrie

Thanks for the feedback, that’s all really constructive! I wasn’t sure if the sample was the best, because it is from so far into the movie, but it was 10 pages where there was romance and comedy, rather than mostly just comedy.

I’ll definitely add some stuff in with Duncan, and a bit more context before the sample starts. That’s tripped me up because this is from a full script, rather than having been written as a sample, so it still all makes sense to me! Not much help to the producer though, so definitely something I need to fix.

Thank you so much!

If you’re doing a romcom for your producer interview and want to team up for Lesson 7, let me know! 🙂

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

Reading your sample, the set up was clear, although I was initially confused that Jessica was going back into the house, until she saw Thad, as you’d said about them escaping. I think that might just have been me not realising that they weren’t together already at that point. You said they’ve ‘discovered a way to keep from rebooting’ so I thought they were both ‘on’. I know the rest of your script is hard to sum up into a paragraph, so apologies if I’m being really picky or easily confused.

The dialog has a couple of things in that I thought could maybe have been expressed in other ways – like when Melanie and George go to investigate the noise in the garage and the door is open. Just thinking of the ‘show, don’t tell’ thing. If they thought the door was open because someone might have got in, they’d be as quiet as the RSCs. If you wanted to keep it as dialog, could you introduce some conflict? Thad mentions that he’s not just there to pick up after Melanie, so maybe George would give her a look or whisper ‘did you leave the door open again?’ or maybe she’d say that herself?

This might be because I’m not fully up to date with the story, but you have the RSCs on the roof ‘trying not to breathe’ – do the RSCs do that? It might have been explained elsewhere, but it didn’t quite scan right on the limited information I had with them being robots.

I liked the way the RSCs hacked the TV, and the speeches that they made. It does seem like it would be a good end to the movie, things are wrapped up nicely and it delivered on the genre of there being a happy ending for two of the couples, with the promise of a happy ending for Ariana as well.

It’s an intriguing premise – I guess the only downside to using the last 10 pages was that it doesn’t end with a cliffhanger. The story does feel resolved, which is great and means it’s a good ending, but I think the lesson suggested using a cliffhanger. I guess if you make it clear to the Producer that it’s the last 10 pages, it won’t matter.

Would love to see the rest of the movie!

Hope that helps

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Terrie

I really liked your sample – the title is good too!

The set up was clear, and it made it easy to go into the writing. As it’s set on campus, I’m assuming you’re going for under 25s as the audience, male and female, probably people who watch Big Bang Theory.

I think it did deliver on the genre, I’m assuming Scott is the main protagonist, and Jessica will be the ‘antagonist’ or the love interest (though I find it a bit tricky to define protag/antag that in a romcom). I don’t know if you might describe Raster as most of the antagonist, as it seems like she might get in the way of things from her small appearance.

I can also see the potential for the comedy to continue with the set up you have with Paul and his app, it does make me want to find out more about the story. I’m intrigued to find out why Scott is living in his car, too!

The t-shirts were a nice touch, and definitely the sort of thing I’d imagine campus students wearing, especially chemical engineers. I felt the writing was good, the dialog was natural but moved the story forward.

I also liked the way that you had Paul and Scott meet – they’re both clearly clever if they’re at uni, but they’re not geniuses at everything. They need each other in a way that doesn’t feel forced.

I don’t actually know if that’s helpful, as I haven’t really suggested anything for you to change, but I did really like your sample!

Hope that helps,

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

That sounds great! I’ll find your post.

Thanks

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Teresa

Sorry, only just seen this. Would be great to exchange feedback, if I’m not too late.

Thanks

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Thanks, Diana! I’ve sent it over now. Speak soon.

[Joy Smith]

Hi Renee

Thanks so much for the advice, and sorry that I’ve only just seen your reply. If I can return the favor somehow, let me know!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Diana!

I’d be happy to partner with you, thought I’m going to specialize in romcoms. Joan and Katt have both posted dramas, so they may be a better fit. Up to you. 🙂

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Joan

I also need to sort out my Stage 32 profile – I think that’s a bit like LinkedIn but specifically for film and TV rather than for everyone. I’ll see if I can find you and we can connect that way. Sometimes you don’t know how you can help each other until something pops up, and just having a larger network makes you look more committed.

Austin is a pretty big competition, so I wouldn’t knock that as credibility! If we keep going, we’ll be writing for producers in no time. :0)

Hope to connect with you soon,

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Wow, Renee! I have so much I could learn from your LinkedIn profile. I’ve sent you a connection request and will endorse you, once I figure out how! Just out of curiosity – do you know the producers you connect with, or just work on the basis that you’re a screenwriter and they’re a producer, let’s talk? Thanks, Joy :o)

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

Good to meet a fellow logline collector – I had about 34 at the last count! I think we’re in the right class to learn how to get paid for writing them, or get paid to write so that when we do write them our scripts will be even better.

The starting audio in the classes. At the moment, at the top of the page, ‘Forums’ is highlighted in blue. If you click on the next one ‘Your Screenwriting Classes’ and then click on the happy lady with the laptop, you should get a list of all the lessons including the opening video.

Hope that helps!

Joy 😀

[Joy Smith]

That’s an amazing idea! I hope the first query letter goes out today, and it gets easier and easier to send those letters. No doubt one of the producers will fall for Love Dance – I hope to watch it soon!

All the best!

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

Apologies – I didn’t realise you’d added a second draft!

I think this is great – the touch of humour about the reptilian made me smile, and that’s always a good sign for drawing someone into the project.

All the best,

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Mark

I’d agree with Kathleen, I think you need to condense this a little. I always struggle with keeping things brief too! I’d hate for a producer to dismiss your query letter because it’s too long to start off with (I’ve heard this sort of thing with CVs for jobs – over 2 sides and they don’t even bother reading it.)

I think the first paragraph is probably more or less OK, as it seems to be introducing the two main characters, but if you can tighten it up, great. Is the location of Spokane, WA significant to the plot, or can you just put that he’s interviewing the tribal casino GM?

The second paragraph confused me a bit more. You’ve said Harold is the lone survivor of the mission, but presumably he hasn’t survived since 1858. I’m also unsure how ‘quantum physics is the new shamanism’ – maybe the mechanics of how this works would be better in a longer synopsis.

How about this:

Harold trains Steven and a diverse group of other reincarnates to become Gridkeepers – guardians of the Earth’s energetic system. But they’d better learn fast, because Dracos, “The Eraser”, has his own ancient agenda to fulfil -geothermal armageddon – and is out to stop the Gridkeepers again, just like in 1858.

I don’t think you need the sentence about ‘Along the way the Gridkeepers…’ as you’ve put that in the closing question about Steven specifically – the other characters and their traumas will be developed throughout the series. I’d focus on Steven for now.

I think it’s really great that your passion shows through, and you clearly have a lot of detail for the series worked out. I miss The X Files, and I think this would definitely be a show I’d tune in to!

Good luck

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Cody

I love the lesson that it’s go time! Yes!

I was also not sure if we were supposed to post our rewritten one first, but have posted the first draft and am going to post the rewrite now.

You did mention that the layout might not be quite right – does the letter start at ‘Hi, Steve!’ or with the question and answer?

I’d start with the concept/hooks first and put the introduction at the end. I’d want the producer to love the project first, and then hit them with the credibility that you have to really make them want to request the script from there. I’d remove the age for the housewives, as if they immediately think of an actor for the role while reading it, you don’t want to discourage that.

The only other question I had was is the ‘cougars’ in the team name a reference to the wives’ new lifestyle (i.e. have they started to screw around with younger men?) If so, I’d say that, as it makes the name more relevant and the fact that the age is in there.

I’m being picky, but I think overall you have a great concept and a strong pitch, plus your previous experience. I’d love to watch this movie and I hope it’s snapped up in no time!

Good luck!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Kathleen

That’s great, thanks! It is a thriller with a bit of mystery in there, but I wanted to see if that came across in the pitch. Will have to change it a little and see if I can improve it.

Thanks!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Connie

Thanks – I went for ‘care home’ as I really disliked the term ‘institution’ and felt that was really old fashioned, but yes, some googling would definitely help.

The title is because the sickness sort of transfers from her room mate to her. It’s a reference to the first law of thermodynamics, that energy can’t be created or destroyed, just changed from one form to another – but I haven’t explained that in the pitch!

Also, thanks for saying about the genre, as I had left that out to see if it was obvious.

Thanks for your very useful feedback, I’ll try a rewrite and post that.

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Connie

Your concept sounds like loads of fun, and I love the tongue twister of ‘personal penis pump salesman’. When you talk about Daisy starting to fall for him against her best intentions, I was picturing Mr Darcy when he confesses his love for Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice!

I’m wondering if that sentence could be a little clearer – does she fall for him as they practice, or does he win her over somehow before she agrees to be his dance partner? Or is it just because she is dead set on winning the competition?

How about: With no other potential partners that can dance like she can, Daisy and Buck practice hard for the contest. Daisy finds herself fighting her feelings and beginning to fall for Buck, against her better judgement.

or maybe: With nothing on her mind but the dance contest trophy, Daisy and Buck practice constantly, and despite resisting Daisy finds herself falling for Buck.

I mentioned to someone else about ‘telling the ending’ as I think that’s been mentioned in one of the assignments. Not sure if it was about the query letter or for face-to-face pitches.

Congrats on being optioned – I hope it all goes well, and good luck with Love Dance!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Tenill

I really like your concept – kind of like Home Alone but a road/buddy movie. The names are great too, and that makes the title really work.

To be super picky, I think the first line should read ‘Sometimes in life’ – no doubt it’s just a typo, but just in case you do what I do and copy and paste it into an email… Still in the ‘super picky’ category, I’d put a ‘the’ in front of Police, so “Chase’s parents report him missing. The Police believe his homeless friend…”

I’m trying not to ask the questions that I’m thinking, as that’s what the assignment said not to do, but you’ve definitely got me curious in terms of what he ends up and the adventures he gets up to – so I think you’ve got a great query letter there!

Good luck!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Sorry – just re-read it – the only thing I might change is putting that it’s based on a true story even earlier, as that makes the dramatic opening even more so.

Maybe: “That’s the opening scene of Absolution, a drama based on a true story that explores…”

Then I’d leave the sentence at the end as it is, as it reminds them of the true story element and confirms you have the rights.

I was just thinking about movie trailers, and that’s often the first thing you see come up ‘based on a true story’.

[Joy Smith]

Hi Heather

All through the course I’ve thought how powerful your script sounds – definitely a profound movie. I think the first draft of your letter definitely works, but the second one really packs a punch with the simple but impactful phrases you’ve used.

In terms of the actor, what did you decide to do? I would have said go for it, as opportunities like that don’t come up very often. If you don’t want to send the pitch with your friend directly, perhaps your friend could ask if you could connect via a social media platform to learn a bit more about each other before then pitching?

I definitely feel it’s a story that needs to be told.

Good luck!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Michael

Like Connie, I think you have a great concept and I can totally see the movie in my mind. The only question I had was if you’d left the ending ambiguous deliberately so that the producer would ask (as I seem to think that was mentioned in one of the previous assignments). It does sound like fun, and I think your unconventional way of developing the script gives it additional credibility.

Good luck!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Hi Randall

That sucks. Have you tried putting a help request in the Facebook Group at all? I actually purchased Power Players 14, but due to some personal stuff happening, never did it. I mentioned that in a response to a Facebook post about goals for this year, and that I was planning on starting the year by doing this, and I got given access to this to go along with the ‘live’ class.

Might not work, but if you can’t get help another way, it might be worth a try. I hope your rewrite rocks!

Joy

[Joy Smith]

Good luck with the query! Let us know when you hear back. 😀