Juliet Wochholz
Forum Replies Created
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JULIE WOCHHOLZ – QE CYCLE 2 – REWRITE & EXCHANGE
LOGLINE: In occupied Paris in WW2, two members of the French resistance play a cat and mouse game to see if someone is a traitor.
ESSENCE: John hopes to trick Nick into revealing he is working with the Nazis.
SCENE:
INT. A BASEMENT CAFE – DAY
Closed for months, the cafe lacks any of its former joy and warmth – its chairs and tables stacked in a corner, the liquor all but gone.
NICK (40s) casually smokes a cigarette as he sits in his carefully positioned chair. He intently looks through the basement’s high window watching JOHN (30s) converse with a uniformed NAZI soldier outside.
Seeing John turn and head towards the Cafe, Nick gets up and walks to the bar, pulls a bottle of booze out from under the counter, and pours two drinks. As Johns walks in, Nick holds one of the glasses out for him.
John frowns, heads to Nick and takes the glass, swirling its liquid but not drinking.
JOHN
So you’ve been watching me?
NICK
Claudia’s been concerned. You’re always
doing things on your own. We’re a team, you know.
JOHN
More like family.
NICK
Anyway, it’s not poisoned, if that’s
what you’re worried about.
John downs the drink in one gulp.
JOHN
That’s the good stuff.
NICK
Reserved for my special friends.
JOHN
You’re worried? Seeing me talk with Fritz?
NICK
Is that his name?
John finally relaxes and sits on a bar stool as Nick pours them another round.
NICK (CONT’D)
Impossible to get this stuff anymore. At least
through proper channels. But then, I know
my way around the rules.
(He winks)
Might as well drink it up, eh?
JOHN
You know what they’re after?
NICK
You thinking of giving it to them?
JOHN
You really are suspicious of me.
John sips his second drink more slowly, savoring it.
NICK
You? Never? Viva la France and all that, eh John?
JOHN
What about you, Nick? You are in it with us
this time around?
NICK
That was more than 25 years ago. I was a stupid kid,
fifteen years old, dreams of heroism in my head. I
should have listened to my mother and never have
run away to fight in that miserable war.
JOHN
And then you ran away from the war.
NICK
There’s no running from this. They’re here,
in our beloved Paris. In our home.
JOHN
Only temporarily.
NICK
I’ll drink to that.
Nick fills the glasses a third time.
They drink, share a silent moment studying one another.
JOHN
That Fritz, he’s a dummkopf. No idea the
value of what it is they’re asking for.
NICK
How’s that?
JOHN
500 Francs for all the names. A pittance,
if they knew –
NICK
Knew what?
JOHN
Knew exactly where that list would lead them.
John finishes his drink.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Or, maybe I should have said
WHO it will lead them to. You know, don’t you?
NICK
Is that what you two were speaking about?
JOHN
500 measly Francs. Are they really all that stupid?
NICK
You can be sure that there’s someone, higher up,
who knows how valuable that list really is.
JOHN
That guy should be negotiating.
NICK
What’s the point, if the guy he’s talking to
doesn’t have the list?
(beat)
Do you have the list?
John slowly tilts his head – neither a confirmation nor a denial.
JOHN
Let’s just say, I know where Claudia keeps it.
NICK
So you could get it. I mean, if you were
so inclined, and so bold?
JOHN
You know I could. I’m the one who single-handedly
got us that gun shipment. But what would
be the point? A measly 500 Francs?
NICK
What if there was a man who could get you
enough to finance your escape out of France,
out of Europe?
JOHN
And Claudia?
NICK
(chuckles)
And I thought you were a loner.
JOHN
That would have to be a lot of money.
To get Claudia to turn.
NICK
She’d have no choice. Once the list was in the
hands of the Nazis, she’d be forced to flee, or die.
JOHN
So what is this? You setting me up?
Nick laughs, John joins in.
JOHN
You know I don’t have any contacts with
them. Who would I talk to?
Nick looks around the cafe, they are still all alone. He leans in.
NICK
General Mueller.
JOHN
He controls everything coming in and
out of the city. You can make this deal for me?
NICK
I’d expect half.
John’s eyes widen.
NICK
After all, without me, there would be no deal.
John leaps up, ready to fight, as Claudia and her henchman step out from behind the small stage curtain.
CLAUDIA
I’ve heard enough. You were right, John. He is a traitor.
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JULIE WOCHHOLZ – QE CYCLE 2
LOGLINE: In occupied Paris in WW2, two members of the French resistance play a cat and mouse game to see if someone is a traitor.
ESSENCE: John, a member of the French resistance, hopes to trick Nick into revealing he is working with the Nazis.
SCENE:
INT. A BASEMENT CAFE – DAY
Closed for months, the cafe lacks any of its former joy and warmth – its chairs and tables stacked in a corner, the liquor all but gone.
NICK (40s) casually smokes a cigarette as he sits in his carefully positioned chair. He intently looks through the basement’s high window watching JOHN (30s) converse with a uniformed NAZI soldier outside.
Seeing John turn and head towards the Cafe, Nick gets up and walks to the bar, pulls a bottle of booze out from under the counter, and pours two drinks. As Johns walks in, Nick holds one of the glasses out for him.
John smiles, heads to Nick and takes the glass, downs the drink in one gulp.
JOHN
That’s the good stuff.
NICK
Reserved for my special friends.
JOHN
You saw me talking to Fritz?
NICK
Is that his name?
John sits on a bar stool as Nick pours them another round.
NICK (CONT’D)
Impossible to get this stuff anymore. At least
through proper channels. Might as well drink it up, eh?
JOHN
You know what they’re after?
NICK
You thinking of giving it to them?
JOHN
You think that little of me?
John sips his second drink more slowly, savoring it.
NICK
You? Never? Viva la France and all that, eh John?
JOHN
We’re in it together, no matter how it ends.
You are in it with us this time around, right, Nick?
NICK
That was more than 25 years ago. I was a stupid kid,
fifteen years old, dreams of heroism in my head. I
should have listened to my mother and never have
run away to fight in that miserable war.
JOHN
And then you ran away from the war.
NICK
There’s no running from this. They’re here,
in our beloved Paris. In our home.
JOHN
Temporarily.
NICK
I’ll drink to that.
Nick fills the glasses a third time.
JOHN
I think you’re trying to get me drunk. Good
thing I’m not Claudia.
They drink, share a silent moment studying one another.
JOHN
Besides, they don’t seem to understand the
value of what it is they’re asking for.
NICK
How’s that?
JOHN
500 Francs for all the names. A pittance,
if they knew –
NICK
Knew what?
JOHN
Knew exactly where that list would lead them.
John finishes his drink.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Or to who. But then, a dumpkopf like Fritz
there would never put the pieces together.
NICK
Is that what you two were speaking about?
JOHN
500 measly Francs.
NICK
You’d need to know WHO understood the
actual value of that list.
JOHN
And, you’d need possession of the list in the
first place, so as to be able to engage in the
transaction.
NICK
And that’s something you have?
John slowly tilts his head – neither a confirmation nor a denial.
JOHN
Let’s just say, I know where Claudia keeps it.
NICK
So you could get it. I mean, if you were
so inclined, and so bold?
JOHN
That beast of a husband of hers couldn’t stop me.
But what would be the point? Idiot Fritz there
only offering me a measly 500 Francs?
NICK
But if someone else, someone who
understood it’s true value, could get you more?
JOHN
How much more?
NICK
Enough to finance your escape out of France, out of Europe.
JOHN
My escape?
NICK
Yours . . . And Claudia’s.
To live, comfortably.
JOHN
(laughs)
That would be a lot of money. To get Claudia to turn.
NICK
She’d have no choice. Once the list was in the
hands of the Nazis, she’d be forced to flee, or die.
JOHN
Nice dream. Me and Claudia, on some beach.
Far away from the war, far away from her husband.
John laughs, Nick joins in.
NICK
Her husband would be dead, John.
JOHN
But how would I find such a man?
Nick leans in.
NICK
I can find him.
John looks around the cafe, they are still all alone.
JOHN
You can make this deal for me?
NICK
I’d want half.
John’s eyes widen.
NICK
After all, without that name, there would
be no deal.
John leaps up, ready to fight, as Claudia and her husband step out from behind the small stage curtain.
CLAUDIA
I’ve heard enough. You were right, John. He is a traitor.
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Julie Wochholz QE Cycle #3
LOGLINE: Assigned to silently infiltrate an area conquered by aliens and obtain essential intel to help defeat them, Nancy and Squire clash while moving towards their goal, until something happens to alter Squire physically.
ESSENCE: Both Nancy and Squire want the mission to succeed, for their own ambitions, but would each prefer sole credit for getting the job done.
SCENE:
INT. A SMALL FUTURISTIC AIRCRAFT – NIGHT
TWO SOLDIERS, dressed in camo, make final preparations.
NANCY (35) checks her weapons. She looks up to see SQUIRE (29), flash his winning grin at her.
NANCY
What are you so happy about? We may not make it back.
SQUIRE
Sure we will. I have you to protect me.
NANCY
Don’t count on it.
Nancy pops open the hatch and leaps out of the plane. Squire follows.
IN THE DARK SKY
As Squire rushes towards the pitch black Earth below –
SQUIRE
Yee-haw!
With a WHOOT his shoot opens and he drifts softly to the ground.
IN A DARK FIELD
Nancy grabs Squire’s parachute harness and yanks him hard.
NANCY
(whispering)
Shut the fuck up, idiot.
SQUIRE
They don’t patrol this far out.
Squire pulls his night vision googles over his eyes.
SQUIRE
You look great in this light.
NANCY
Let’s move, we’ve got a long trek ahead of us.
EXT. A MARSH – NIGHT
Squire slogs through wet cattails, Nancy following, as strange sounding insects chirp and buzz.
SQUIRE
We should have gone around.
NANCY
I’m commander of this mission, we do it my way.
(beat)
Why’d you volunteer for this anyway?
SQUIRE
Who said I volunteered?
NANCY
Come on, we get this done and we can
write our own ticket. You want central
command, right?
SQUIRE
That’s your ambition talking, not mine.
NANCY
They why are you here?
SQUIRE
Mileage points.
Squire’s foot lands on something hard and crunchy. He freezes.
WHATEVER IT IS moves beneath Squire’s foot, he wobbles, jumps back to catch his balance, but a DARK AND OILY THING rises out of the marsh sending him splashing into the water.
Squire turns to see the Thing heading for Nancy, who’s still on dry ground.
He swims away from the threat.
A THUNDEROUS SHOT is heard.
Squire turns back to see Nancy holding her weapon, the THING dead at her feet.
NANCY
That’s one for me.
SQUIRE
I was trying to lure it away from you.
Holstering her weapon –
NANCY
Yeah, right.
SQUIRE
That wasn’t one of them, was it?
NANCY
Hardly. But I have no idea what that mother-fucking
thing was. It isn’t from here.
Nancy looks up to watch Squire creep through the water back to her.
Through her night vision goggles Nancy spots something strange glowing from Squire’s eyes.
NANCY
Oh shit, Squire, get over here!
He climbs out of the marsh and sits on dry land. Nancy stoops down, pulls his night vision googles off to get a better look at his eyes.
They’re glowing a fluorescent purple, his irises a neon green – not black – flickering back and forth.
SQUIRE
What is it?
NANCY
Do they hurt? Sting?
SQUIRE
No, not at all. But –
He looks around.
SQUIRE
Everything is so in focus, I mean really in focus,
and bright, like it’s noon.
He looks across the marsh, panics.
SQUIRE
They’re here. They’re –
Looking now towards the path they arrived on.
SQUIRE
They’re everywhere.
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Julie Wochholz’s Maximum Interest Part 2 (Assignment #13)
What I learned: By keeping these maximum interest techniques in mind and working with them to build a scene, I can create a much more engaging and compelling scene that is not boring. The techniques also can set up what is to come and keep the story moving forward.
Scene Logline: After revealing her theory of what has happened to the three friends, Olivia (dressed as a boy “Ollie”) engages the popular girls as her new alter-ego.
Essence: The friends figure out what has happened to them and start to learn the rules that apply in this upside down world.
Interest Techniques: Hook, Something Unseen, Mystery, Creating a Future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Uncomfortable Moment.
INT. 80’S HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY
Maya and Evan eat lunch alone at a table in the corner.
MAYA
I’m going through withdrawal. My thumbs keep doing this
(feigns texting)
What do these kids do all day?
Maya watches two girls — they are just talking! Nearby, a boy draws on a sketch pad.
At another table a girl braids her friend’s hair.
Olivia (dressed as Ollie), holding a plate full of tots, joins Maya and Evan.
OLIVIA
You guys figure it out yet?
Olivia pops a tot. She looks from Maya to Evan, their faces blank.
OLIVIA
And you guys think you’re the smart ones.
She pops another tot.
MAYA
Time travel. Don’t ask me how.
OLIVIA
Wrongo!
She pops a tot.
EVAN
I was thinking some kind of mass hysteria,
along the lines of the Salem witch trials, or
Jonestown. A shared psychotic break.
OLIVIA
Wrongo!
She pops another tot.
OLIVIA
Are you guys ready?
She looks from Evan to Maya.
OLIVIA
We – are – inside – of – the – movie!
Olivia’s pleased with herself, leans back, nods.
OLIVIA
I’m right, right?
Before Maya can respond, Kimberly, Jennifer and McKenna appear, standing over her and looking down with disgust.
Evan grabs a red tray and hides his face behind it.
JENNIFER
What’s his damage?
KIMBERLY
(to Maya)
You’re the Spaz who ruined the pep rally.
MAYA
T.M.S.I.D.K.
JENNIFER
(to Kimberly)
She’s so lame.
MCKENNA
A total retard. Makes me want to ralph.
KIMBERLY
If I, like, even see you near this cafeteria again,
like, I will make your life Hellacious.
MAYA
Eat me.
Kimberly slowly picks up Maya’s plate of food, glares at Maya. Maya shoots back a “don’t you dare” look. Kimberly dumps the food over Maya’s head.
Maya flies off her bench, arm cocked, fist ready to land a blow.
Olivia grabs Maya’s waist and pulls her back down, onto Olivia’s lap. She squeezes tighter as Maya squirms to get away.
OLIVIA
You can’t just keep going through life punching
people you don’t like.
Kimberly flips her hair, then shoots a flirty smile at Olivia before turning around and walking off.
MAYA
One day you won’t be around to stop me from
pulverizing that smug little Heather into oblivion.
Maya moves to her own seat and picks food out of her hair.
Evan catches McKenna wink at Olivia, before rushing off after Kimberly and Jennifer.
EVAN
Did you see that?
(to Olivia)
Those girls totally were hitting on you.
MAYA
Totally?
EVAN
O-M-G. It’s like a virus or — oh, fudgsickle, like, like, like —
His hands shoot up to his mouth to gag him from saying more.
OLIVIA
They were hitting on me, weren’t they?
Hand still over his mouth, Evan just nods his agreement.
OLIVIA
Excuse me, guys, I’m gonna go work this.
Maya and Evan watch as Olivia struts over to –
THE POPULAR TABLE
Kimberly, Jennifer and McKenna eat lunch with Davio, and TWO JOCKS.
Olivia hovers, staring at Kimberly, who finally looks up.
Olivia shoots her a smoky-sexy look.
OLIVIA
I’ve got the looks, the clothes and the swag. But I don’t have you.
Kimberly rolls her eyes at her friends, then fakes a smile.
KIMBERLY
As if.
OLIVIA
Oh, sweet Kimberly, I’m not sweating the getting
part, I’m sweating the part after.
KIMBERLY
Why’s that?
OLIVIA
Because a fascinating and vibrant woman like you
deserves everything the universe has to offer. And I just got
(she pulls out her pockets)
a couple of empty pockets.
Olivia smoulders. Kimberly melts.
Kimberly shoves Jennifer hard to make a place on the bench for Olivia to sit.
ALONE AT THEIR CORNER TABLE
MAYA
That is not the Olivia I know.
Maya watches as Olivia scooches closer to Kimberly.
EVAN
Well, she’s – I mean, he’s popular now.
Maya spins around to face Evan.
MAYA
I get it! O.M.G! We’re inside of a 1980’s high
school movie, that’s what she said, right?
EVAN
You mean we’re Jumanji-fied?
Evan takes the plate of tots and pops them into his mouth.
MAYA
We have to play the game. To escape. To get home.
EVAN
Theoretically. Only it’s not a game, it’s a movie. If she’s right.
MAYA
And what’s the goal in every high school movie from the 1980’s?
EVAN
(mouth full of tots)
Popularity.
The two look over at Olivia, cracking jokes as she slyly slips her arm over Kimberly’s shoulder.
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Julie Wochholz’s Challenging Situations
What I’ve Learned: Brainstorming challenges leads to finding some good ideas to write the scene with more drama and conflict – making it more interesting. It also gave me some ideas on how the characters can come into conflict with each other in a scene that before was very mediocre – I can rewrite the scene with much more conflict and comedy.
Scene 1:
Current Logline: Still confused about what has happened to her, Maya spots Evan across the gym at the crowded pep rally and struggles to get his attention.
Essence: Maya spots someone who can help her, but she has alienated herself from him earlier in the story, and now she needs to reconnect.
Brainstorm list of possible challenges:
Goal: Get Evan’s attention. Get to Evan.
Nothing she does works (see physical)
Needs: Find an ally. Figure out what is happening.
Maya spots Evan, but she has rejected his friendship and been mean to him – now she needs him.
Values: Betrayal (in the past) Need to reconnect to this relationship.
Maya disregards how many people she will make angry – and how unpopular this will make her – in order to reach Evan.
Wound: Maya has betrayed her old friends.
Maya spots Evan, but she has rejected his friendship and been mean to him – now she needs him but can’t reach him
Maya turned her back on Evan but now fights physical obstacles to reach him.
Physical: Maya needs to get across the gym floor where a pep rally is going on to reach Evan for help.
– There is too much noise for Evan to hear Maya’s shouts
– Too many kids for Evan to spot Maya waving at him
– Maya has to push through rows of kids to get down to the gym floor
– Teacher tries to stop her from crossing the gym floor to get to the other side
– Band, cheerleaders, Mascot, team members all get in her way. She falls. They fall. Cheerleaders in a difficult formation are toppled to the ground.
– Maya disrupts the pep rally
– At the other side of gym, the furious coach and team members try to catch Maya
– Once across she can’t spot Evan
Quick summary of how I will write scene differently: Go full on with the physical comedy as Maya tries to reach Evan. Every step she takes towards Evan causes more chaos until she utterly destroys the pep rally to reach him.
Scene 2:
Current Logline: Maya and Evan break into the school administration office on the weekend looking for records to find Olivia.
Essence: Maya and Evan are desperate to find and work with Olivia to get home.
Brainstorm list of possible challenges:
Goal: break into office. Find records. Find info about Olivia. Do not get caught.
They cannot find any record of Olivia
They almost get caught – twice
Needs: Find Olivia.
They fail
Values: Friendship. Work together. Honesty.
Evan is honest and obedient, breaking and entering causes anxiety.
Maya cannot work well with Evan – everything she says and does stresses him out and causes him to shut down.
Maya is bossy – hurts Evan
Evan gets defeated by old tech and Maya’s attitude.
Wound: Rift between Maya and old friends
Evan does not yet trust Maya.
He starts to Q everything she says and what her real goal is.
Physical:
Difficult to break into office.
Can’t find files.
Can’t figure out old computers.
Password?
Distractions
Avoid being seen by others in the school
Quick summary of how I will write scene differently: Instead of working well together, Maya is bossy and insulting towards Evan; causing him to get anxious, hurt, distrustful, feel defeated and ultimately explode. All this while dealing with the challenges of not being seen and caught while breaking into the office and the records, and dealing with old technology.
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Julie Wochholz’s Full-out Characters
WHAT I LEARNED – giving characters traits and subtext that inherently creates drama provides the opportunity in the script for more conflict between characters, thus adding to the story’s conflict and interest to the audience. I also learned that being more precise about a trait helps with writing the character (Evan is strategic as opposed to simply intelligent) Specificity can allow me to display the trait better.
Three Characters current profile:
MAYA: Maya is a high school senior with a quick temper and disdain for school.
TRAITS:
Quick tempered
Under-achiever
Cynical
Honest
Subtext: ??
EVAN: Evan is one of Maya’s BFFs and being pushed by his parents to go to Harvard.
TRAITS:
Intelligent
Depressed
Oppressed
Creative/Artistic
Subtext: ??
OLIVIA: Olivia is Maya’s other BFF and dealing with a mother who tries to control her social life.
TRAITS:
Loyal
Good-sport
Subtext: ??
REVISED PROFILE
MAYA: Maya is an ambitious high school senior who has abandoned her longtime friends for popularity.
Ambitious
Cynical
Direct
Cowardly
Subtext: Maya wants success in life, but believes she has to be someone she isn’t to get it.
EVAN: Evan is a brilliant high school senior who secretly wants to be a rock star, but is being pushed by his old world parents into another career and life path.
Strategic
Defeatist
Creative
Obedient
Subtext: Evan is afraid to go against his parents wishes, so lives unhappily doing what they want him to do.
OLIVIA: Olivia is a high school senior who hides the fact she is a lesbian because she is tired of her mom’s controlling influence and drama.
Loyal
Private
Fighter
Mischievous
Subtext: Olivia’s dealt with a lot of family drama in her past that has caused her to withdraw, and she is not yet ready to be a grown-up and come out as a lesbian.
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1 (I just wrote an all new scene.)
INT. SENIOR CENTER RECREATION ROOM – DAY
MARGARET (76) pushes in TRENT (80) in his funky new wheelchair.
MARGARET
Here comes the birthday boy!
ROBERT (70s) very overweight, leans on his walker to stand, starts to applaud.
ROBERT
Come on everybody! Let’s give
my buddy a big hand!
The other Seniors stand, some with great effort, and clap.
ROBERT
Show him the great big cake we
got him, Margaret!
TRENT
Aw, you all shouldn’t have. You
know it’s enough playing our weekly
game of bingo together.
Margaret wheels Trent to a table in front of Robert’s; pushes his chair in between DELORES and LYNN. Margaret then sits next to Robert at his table.
LYNN
That’s a strange looking chair you
have there, Trent. Is it new?
TRENT
It sure is. Spacey-looking, huh?
It’s a prototype, my buddy Elon Musk
asked me to test it out for him. The
next phase will be to add all the
electronics. Elon and I will make a
fortune off these once we get them
in mass production. You ladies let me
know if you’re interested in investing,
now’s the time!
Roberts leans in close to Margaret.
ROBERT
(whispers)
Bullshit. I saw his grandkid making
that chair out of stuff he pulled
Out of the dumpster.
AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM
BINGO CALLER BETTY
O -73! Our first number is O-73!
ROBERT
(still whispering)
I could make a better chair than that.
AT TRENT’S TABLE
TRENT
No, Delores, he said O-73, not I-23.
DELORES
Oh dear, I always hear it wrong.
TRENT
That’s okay, honey, I’m happy
to be your ears. You too Lynn,
whatever you ladies want, I’m your guy.
BINGO CALLER
B-7! I repeat for you old geezers, B-7!
AT ROBERT’S TABLE
Robert scowls, turns to CANDICE, another senior, at his table.
ROBERT
You know he’s been sneaking into her
room at night, and I hear she’s not
the only one!
Candice blushes, avoids Robert by marking her bingo cards.
BINGO CALLER BETTY
I-26!
ROBERT
(softly to Candice)
One of the nurse’s been sneaking
him Viagra so he can keep up – get it?
Candice leaps up, tosses her bingo cards at the back of Trent’s head and runs out of the room in tears.
Trent turns and glares at Robert, then plugs his nose.
TRENT
Whoa! Time to try some new deodorant, Buddy.
Robert sniffs his armpits.
LATER
BINGO CALLER BETTY
N-44. Are you old farts still
Awake out there? N-44!
TRENT
Bingo! That’s Bingo! Third one today!
I’d jump up if I could!
AT ROBERT’S TABLE
ROBERT
(not so quiet now)
One of the nurses told me the guy
has no problem walking. Uses the
chair to get the ladies’ sympathies.
Trent whirls around in his chair and faces Robert.
TRENT
(very loudly)
Why don’t you be a man just once,
and say what you think to my face.
Everyone around them stops chattering to watch the two men spar.
ROBERT
You mean like my suspicion you
and Betty there rigged this entire
game to win every round to rip us
all off?
Trent pushes Robert’s table hard.
TRENT
Why would I do that? I don’t need
the money.
ROBERT
That’s not what Sheila in accounting says.
TRENT
(raising his fists)
Let’s go asshole!
ROBERT
Now now, you know how I am, all
talk, let’s just relax and enjoy your
birthday.
BINGO CALLER BETTY
There’s really no way to rig my
ball machine, you know. I can
show you, after the party.
ROBERT
See, there’s no need for hurt feelings,
we should all just enjoy our games
and Trent’s cake. But I do want to
see that machine later on.
(beat)
It’ll make poor Trent feel better.
LATER – AFTER THE PARTY
Robert, Trent, Margaret and Bingo Betty are by the door of the Rec Room’s Supply Closet.
Robert catches Bingo Betty wink. Trent smiles back at her.
ROBERT
See! They’re in on it together
to get our money!
BINGO CALLER BETTY
Just go on in the closet then. You
can check out the machine for yourself.
TRENT
I’ll show you how it works, Dummy,
there’s no way to rig the balls.
Robert using his walker, clomps his way into the big storage closet followed by Trent in his wheelchair.
Trent wheels himself in hard – ramming the backside of Robert’s legs. Robert topples forward but catches himself using his arms on his walker
ROBERT
Watch it asshole!
TRENT
Get your fat ass out of the way then!
ROBERT
I should smash your face with my walker!
Suddenly, Bingo Caller Betty slams the door shut, and Margaret swiftly pulls out the closet key and locks the door.
KNOCKING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR
ROBERT (Off Screen)
Hey! What’s the idea?
TRENT (O.S.)
Open the door! I’m claustrophobic!
ROBERT (O.S.)
Bullshit.
There’s a loud thud on the other side of the door –
ROBERT (O.S.)
Ouch!
Margaret and Bingo Caller Betty smile at each other. More of the ladies approach, including Lynn, Candice and Delores.
MARGARET
(Shouting at the door)
You boys will stay in there until
one of you kills the other one, or
you make peace!
BINGO CALLER BETTY
I’ll bet twenty on Trent!
DELORES
I’ll take that bet.
-
Julie Wochholz Max Interest Part One
What I Learned: Interest techniques make a dull scene more like a roller coaster ride. They can give a scene or character more depth and purpose.
Scene Logline: Secretly smart girl MAYA gets ripped off trying to sell her “A” quality term paper, then acts dumb with her friends and steals another kid’s soda.
Essence: Maya pretends to be someone else to please whoever she is with at the time, compromising her values to do so.
Interest Techniques: Surprise. Mislead/Reveal. Betrayal. Character changes radically.
EXT. MCAULIFFE HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
A sedan pulls up to the curb and MAYA CHAMBERS (17) black, dressed like a cool kid, gets out and walks towards her high school.
SUPER: MONDAY – 2021
The horn honks.
Maya turns back. Sees her MOM, dressed for work, waving a term paper wildly about.
Maya trudges back to the car and takes the paper from Mom through the open window.
MOM
Seriously, Maya. You worked so hard on it, and you almost forget it?
MAYA
Yeah, right? What a dingus! Thanks. I would have been crushed. Love you.
MOM
Love you too, Smarty Pants.
Maya watches her Mom’s sedan drive off.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – BEHIND THE DUMPSTERS – DAY
Maya hands over her term paper to a six foot five tall SKINNY JOCK.
SKINNY JOCK
This is “A” quality, right? I need an A to get a C in class.
MAYA
I only turn out “A” quality work.
She sticks out her hand, waiting for a cash payment.
The Skinny Jock ignores her as he flips through the pages.
MAYA
Oh come on, like you can tell if it’s any good. You own me a hundred.
SKINNY JOCK
I ain’t payin’ you shit.
MAYA
We bargained in good faith.
SKINNY JOCK
It ain’t called “free” enterprise for nothin’.
Maya grabs for the paper, Skinny Jock laughs, dodges as she gets more aggressive, holds it high above his head.
SKINNY JOCK
You cain’t do nuthin about it, admit it. I could tell your posse how you’re so fake and really just a nerd. Maya Chambers, Miss Party Girl, secretly doing the team’s homework all year.
She’s defeated, stops grabbing.
MAYA
You’re an asshole.
INT. MCAULIFFE HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY
Maya passes fellow Gen-Z kids – BIPOC and white. Just regular kids, wearing typical stuff: gaming, anime and sports team tee-shirts, street wear. Some girls are woke, VSCO. One kid is EMO, her friend is goth.
Kids text. Listen to music through ear buds. One girl snaps a selfie with a friend. A couple of kids sip from Starbucks cups.
AT MAYA’S LOCKER
Decorated with pictures of the hottest celebs: Weeknd, Janelle Monea, Chadwick Boseman.
Two more cool kids, DUANE and NIKKI, flank Maya.
DUANE
Hey, girl.
MAYA
Hey yourself.
NIKKI
I’m tanked, forget all about that paper.
MAYA
Me too! My mom is gonna kill me.
DUANE
Too busy partying?
MAYA
You know me.
EVAN (18) Korean heritage, basic clothes, backpack heavy with textbooks, walks by sipping a Korean soda pop. Duane reaches out, yanks the soda out of his hand.
EVAN
Hey!
Maya laughs as Duane takes big swallow.
MAYA
Gimme a sip.
Duane passes the can to Maya, who drinks.
Evan stands and just stares from Maya to Duane, back to Maya.
MAYA
Get lost, loser.
-
EXT. A CHURCH – DAY
A sunny spring day. An organ plays a joyful baroque piece.
INT. CHURCH
Decorated with bright orchids for a wedding. Happy Guests take their seats.
INT. THE GROOM’S ROOM – DAY
ROBERT, expensive black tuxedo, paces nervously, he clenches his bow tie in his hand.
TRENT
Let me help.
Robert stops in front of Trent, hands him the bow tie.
Trent works on tying it properly.
ROBERT
How’d I get so lucky? She’s gorgeous —
TRENT
(working on the tie)
Smart.
ROBERT
She’s rich —
TRENT
Funny.
ROBERT
Sexy as hell. And she wants me!
TRENT
Perfect.
Robert turns to check himself out in the chagall mirror. In the mirror image he sees Trent check his cell phone before slipping it back into his pocket.
TRENT
I’ll go check on the bride. Be right back.
Trent leaves.
Robert takes a cigarette out of his platinum cigarette holder. He lights up, moves to the window and opens it a crack to let the smoke out.
Robert watches as –
OUTSIDE
a limousine pulls up outside and sees Trent run to open the door. Instead of the bride, CHELSEA, a platinum blonde woman in a sexy green dress, gets out.
ROBERT
(beneath his breath)
Fuck.
Robert flicks his cigarette out the window, watches as Trent ushers the Blonde around the side of the church, away from incoming guests.
Robert pulls out his cell. Speed calls Trent.
INT. CHURCH OFFICE – DAY
Trent leads Chelsea into the empty office just as his cell phone chirps.
Trent checks the phone — sees it’s Robert calling. Trent puts his finger to his mouth to shush Chelsea, answers the phone.
TRENT
You freaking out again?
ROBERT
(over phone)
Listen, I was so nervous earlier, I forgot something.
TRENT
What’s that?
ROBERT
(over phone)
No, it has to be in person, I got something
(beat)
To give you. You know, being my best man and all.
Trent looks right at Chelsea, grins like a fox.
TRENT
(mouthing silently to Chelsea)
He has no idea.
(into phone)
Be right there.
INT. GROOM’S ROOM
Robert sits his phone down on the fireplace mantle. He removes his suit jacket and places it over a chair.
Robert then unties the bow tie, slips it off and puts it on the mantle. Looking at the crucifix above the mantle, Robert reaches up and pulls it off the wall.
He walks over to the closed door, stands beside it,
The door opens, Robert moving a few inches back into the shadow, to stay hidden, as Trent enters the room.
TRENT
You know you didn’t have to get me anything —
Robert slams the door with a loud bang, startling Trent to turn around just in time to see Robert swing the crucifix at his head.
ROBERT
Oh yeah I did!
Trent’s hand shoots up just as the crucifix smashes the side of Trent’s head — blood starts to pour down.
Trent drops to his knees, moves his hand to the front of his face, covered in blood.
The crucifix slams against Trent’s torso, he falls over.
Robert drops the crucifix and starts kicking Trent, over and over again.
ROBERT
You son of a bitch! I knew I couldn’t trust you!
Trent’s bloody, and crying.
TRENT
Please, please –
ROBERT
Trying to sabotage my wedding?!
You want her for yourself! Admit it!
(another kick)
Our whole lives! Always trying to undermine my position.
(a kick)
To take what’s rightfully mine!
(another kick)
TRENT
No, No! I love you. Everybody loves you!
Robert stops, Looks down at Trent – a bloody sniveling cry-baby.
ROBERT
Get up. You’re a mess.
Robert holds out his hand, Trent takes hold and Robert pulls him to his feet.
ROBERT
Dad was right about you.
TRENT
You’re my big brother, I love you, please. You know that.
ROBERT
You look like shit, Go clean up.
Trent heads for the sink.
ROBERT
And get that whore out of here.
-
Julie Wochholz Profiles People
Person 1:
Knowledgeable
Humorous
Gossipy
Cowardly
Person 2:
Hard-working
Insecure
Nit-picky
Manipulative
Person 3:
Gregarious
Con-artist
Tempestuous
Greedy
What I Learned: I do not have daily access to any of these people; however, I know each one well and have known them for years. One thing I noticed was how people tend to shove their good traits to the foreground to make good impressions, but eventually a situation emerges where the undesirable traits manifest themselves. I can use this in my writing as my characters are challenged by their circumstances, their more hidden and undesirable traits show up. I also learned that when I write and I like a character, I may avoid (unconsciously) giving them negative traits – but to be a whole character, they need to have both positive and negative traits.
-
Julie puts essence to work
Script: 80’s High
What I Learned: 1) One thing I learned is that understanding the essence will lead to writing scenes that are more purposeful and meaningful. 2) Depth – understanding essence allows me to write a scene with more depth and subtext. 3) I also learned that I may have a scene where I do understand the essence, but I can see it is in the wrong place in the screenplay. 4) I learned that I may be trying to do too much in a scene – and that there are a couple of “essences” going on, and to make a better story I will need to break up the scene into two smaller scenes. 5) I learned that understanding essence helps me better target exactly what the character in the scene is feeling and doing. 6) The essence is like the fuel that drives the story – clearer essence is like cleaner fuel – the story will run better.
Scene 1
Location: Opening Scene
Logline: A black student (Maya) enters her high school and meets her friends at her locker.
Essence I Discovered: Other than establishing the world and tone; the essence of the scene is to show who the protagonist is, in relation to the other high school students. I discovered that I need to change who she is – she is a girl conforming to her group so she does not feel alone.
New Logline: A black student enters her HS and plays along with her joking click, even though she feels bad about the joke.
Scene 2:
Location: Act 2 – B story
Logline: Disoriented and confused about her new surroundings, Maya is elated to see her friend Evan and runs to meet him.
Essence: Maya is confused and disoriented, but relieved to see someone she knows, even if it is a kid she does not like.
New Logline: Disoriented and confused about her new surroundings, Maya feels relief at seeing Evan, even if she does not like him, and runs to him for help.
Scene 3:
Location: Act 2 – Meeting the Mentor
Logline: In the cafeteria, Maya & Evan watch in amazement as Olivia begins roleplaying and experimenting with her new “self.” Carl explains what he thinks is really going on.
Essence: The kids meet Carl (a geek) and begin to figure out the rules that are in play in this upside down world.
Second Essence: In contrast to her typical quiet self, Olivia role plays with other kids at the school, to the amazement of the others.
New Logline; The kids seek out a geek and share what has happened to them. He develops a hypothesis and suggests what they need to do to escape their situation.
Second New Logline: Olivia acts boisterously and cocky in her new role, in direct contrast to her former self, and has fun and success doing it.
Scene 4:
Location: Act 2 – before midpoint
Logline: A calendar leads Maya to develop a plan to gain popularity by befriending the most popular boy in school & getting him to take her to prom.
Essence: Maya stops resisting what she needs to do; but the plan she devises is to gain popularity by association.
New Logline: Maya reluctantly agrees to work with the others, and devises her plan to trick the most popular boy into taking her to the prom.
Scene 5
Location: Act 2 – After Midpoint (Bad guys close in)
Logline: Maya tries to hide her feelings from her “Dad” who is full of cliches and superficial platitudes.
Essence: Maya is dealing with her recent discovery that she has real feelings for the boy she was trying to trick.
New Logline: Feeling rotten about trying to trick a boy she really does care for, Maya tries to get real advice from her Dad who is only capable of superficial cliches and platitudes.
-
Day 1 Assignment
Julie Wochholz Finds the Essence
What I learned: 1. The essence that I found in the scenes kept bumping into the overall theme of the story, and chronicled Jerry’s path to reaching the ideal he had manifested for himself at the beginning of the story. I also learned that essence can be in the character, situation, dialogue, action story. It sometimes pops out boldly but other times is layered more deeply.
Script I chose: JERRY MAGUIRE by Cameron Crowe
Scene 1:
Location: Act 1 – Response to Inciting Incident (Catalyst/Call to Adventure)
Logline: Jerry awakes in the middle of the night to write his “Mission Statement” – a manifesto on his profession as a pro-sports agent as to how things ought to be.
Essence: Jerry is passionate about the message he is communicating – If we really care about the relationships we are in, we can find true joy.
Scene 2:
Location: Near the end of Act 1: The debate section (protagonist is refusing the call)
Logline: Jerry and his rival, Sugar, hurriedly call all of Jerry’s clients trying to win them over, but Jerry gets stuck on a long call with his client Tidwell, and therefore loses every other client to Sugar.
Essence: Jerry does not realize it but he has taken a baby step towards the ideal he expressed in his mission statement by caring enough to stay on the phone with Tidwell, even though he knows Sugar is stealing all his other (superficial) clients (relationships).
Scene 3:
Location: Act 2: Past the midpoint.
Logline: Jerry begs Tidwell to show more joy in the game, as a tactic, so Jerry can negotiate a better monetary deal for Tidwell w/ the AZ Sundevils. Tidwell refuses to “do the dance.”
Essence: Jerry seems to understand the importance of Joy, but the real value of it is misplaced as he wants to exploit it and use it as a weapon.
Scene 4:
Location: Near the end of Act 2.
Logline: Now married to Dorothy, Jerry witnesses a true “perfect marriage” on a double date with Tidwell and his wife, who are in-sync, joyful, and expressive of their love for each other, as they fuss over each other’s food and call each other “baby”, making Jerry uncomfortable with the realization his own marriage lacks these qualities.
Essence: Jerry perceives a truly caring relationship expressing itself, and is aware that his own marriage lacks these qualities.
Scene 5:
Location: Act 3 – Crisis (All is lost – break into three/ finding the elixir)
Logline: When Tidwell is injured during the Monday Night Football game it appears all is lost, until Tidwell awakes from a concussion and erupts in pure joy – bringing the entire stadium, the fans, his family, the sports reporters, and even Jerry, along in his expression of happiness.
Essence: Through Tidwell, Jerry at last FEELS real joy, because someone he truly cared about appeared hurt but was then okay; however, Jerry realizes something is still missing – sharing the joy with the person he loves.
My selection for the scene with the most essence is Scene 5 – Essence: Jerry finally FEELS pure joy because he has a real & caring relationship with Tidwell.
1. Jerry’s reaction when Tidwell appeared injured was to reach out to the people Tidwell loves best – demonstrating emotional connection and understanding.
2. The scene ends with Jerry emotionally overcome and exhausted – thumping has heart twice as Tidwell passes, communicating both how worried he had been and how happy he is now) and then collapsing.
3. The scene uses every other character (fans, family, media) to reflect and to amplify the emotions felt by Jerry – first the utter fear and then the complete elation.
4. NOTE: Because this story has two characters/plots which intertwine – there is another scene to come with Dorothy that also captures profound essence as Jerry demonstrates his understanding that pure joy is better when shared with the one you love – however, for me, it is this scene that I picked that really goes over the top to communicate the pure joy Jerry has been after.
SCENE POSTED HERE:
INT. PRESS BOX — NIGHT
Maguire watches as Arizona’s quarterback John Swenson drops back for a pass, and is sacked. Philadelphia fans cheer wildly. The game is turning uglier by the minute. Jerry looks up to the monitor for a closet look at the next play.
ON PRESS BOX MONITOR
Swenson, the Arizona quarterback, throws a wobbly pass into the end-zone.
Tidwell leaps for the catch, tucks the ball in and is promptly and brutally hit by two defenders from two different sides. This hit is bad. Worse than bad. Tidwell flips and comes down like a sack of potatoes, with a thud, ball still in his hands. His head hits the astroturf, hard. Tidwell is out cold. And the ripple effect of the injury shoots through the stadium. Jerry stares at the monitor, stunned by the sudden brutality.
EXT. ARIZONA FIELD — NIGHT
We are thrust into the vortex, inside the game. Tidwell lies still on turf. Overhead, the fight music continues for a few seconds before disappearing abruptly. Players and coaches begin to gather around the still body of Rod Tidwell.
TV MONITOR — SLO-MO
The hit in replay. It is brutal. And we can see a flash of his pride as he catches the lousy pass, and then… like two bulls, the Philadelphia defenders enter from each side. One cuts his legs out from under him, and Rod’s taut body literally flips. The second defender then hits him at the shoulders. Tidwell lands on the back of his neck, crumpling downwards. Still holding the ball. Still.
INT. TIDWELL LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Silence. Utter silence.
GIFFORD’S VOICE
— you sure hope his family wasn’t watching that. And then, in a cry that gurgles from way down deep, Marcee begins to sob. Camera catches the face of Tyson, now panicked. Scared, he embraces his mother.
INT. BOWELS OF SUN DEVIL STADIUM
Maguire sprints through the inner bowels of the stadium. He turns the corner, into the tunnel, talking his way past a guard, heading into the bright t.v. light of the football field.
INT. TIDWELL LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Gathering around the television, the family waits through a commercial for more information on Rod’s injury.
TEE PEE
He should have kept his head tucked down.
MARCEE
(immediately)
Shut up!!!
TEE PEE
I’m not putting him down, I just have a commitment to the truth.
Marcee lunges for him.
MARCEE
Can’t you be loyal to your brother who LOVES you??
(she is held back)
Get out of my house!
Across the room, the phone starts ringing. A COUSIN answers.
COUSIN
It’s Jerry Maguire!
EXT. ARIZONA FIELD — NIGHT
Jerry Maguire on the portable.
JERRY
He took a shot. He’s unconscious.
MARCEE
I’m freakin out. Oh God I’m —
JERRY
Keep the phone open. I’ll call back. Stay calm. He’s got some good doctors out there.
MARCEE
“Stay calm?” I’m freakin…
JERRY
Alright, I’m freaking too. But they need you to stay calm. I’ll call back.
MARCEE
My whole life is this family, Jerry. It doesn’t work without him.
She takes a big gulp, as Jerry watches an overzealous Trainer run out onto the field to join the cluster around the fallen Tidwell. Jerry covers phone and yells onto the field.
JERRY
DON’T TOUCH HIM!!!
EXT. CENTER OF PLAYING FIELD — NIGHT
We’re now just a few inches in front of his peaceful, sleeping face. They are all. YELLING, trying to pull him out.
SHOTS OF NATIONAL TELEVISION AUDIENCES
A full sports bar in Arizona silently watches Monday Night Football.
Generic living room of sports fans, all watching Tidwell pinned to the screen.
Generic outdoor bar-b-que as white fans watch t.V. Tidwell living room. All gathered around the television.
Maguire straining at the sideline.
ON TIDWELL — CLOSE
Dead to the world as sound disappears. There is now only silence.
POV TIDWELL – SLO-MO — SILENCE
The Doctors and the Trainers are now truly panicked. We don’t hear them. We see them, their motions increasingly manic. Shoving fingers in front of him. Screaming. We read their lips. (“Rod!” “Rod can you hear us!”) We see the anguish and escalating fear on their faces. The Trainer leans in close, bellowing, he spreads his hands wide to clap right in front of Rod’s still face. His hands head toward each other… closer… bringing with them the first inkling of sound… getting closer and then finally coming together, bringing with him the sounds of the stadium.
ON TIDWELL
who blinks back to life. Concerned men are yelling very loudly, right in his face. Tidwell becomes aware he is the absolute center of attention of the entire stadium. As crowd
noise begins to rise.
TRAINER
Let’s get you off the field!
TIDWELL
Wait.
TRAINER
Can you feel your legs?
TIDWELL
Yeah. Just let me enjoy this for a minute.
ON JERRY
who watches. Only marginally relieved. Is he okay?
ON FANS
Crowd noise rises. Is he okay?
ON TIDWELL
Can he move? Is he okay?
ON TIDWELL’S LIVING ROOM
Not a breath is taken. Is he okay?
He rises. Stadium explodes. At first on wobbly feet, he raises the football and for the first time — salutes the crowd. Crowd noise doubles.
ON MAGUIRE
gasping for breath.
ON TIDWELL
Has never felt like this before in his life. It is the pure and absolute love of the spotlight. And his fans. And then… it’s real and he feels it. Tidwell breaks out in a small but unmistakable move — a flutter step. He does a high-stepping move, all his own, for about ten yards.
ON JERRY MAGUIRE
who watches, now in complete disbelief. Tidwell will not let go of the spotlight.
ON TIDWELL’S LIVING ROOM
Going absolutely nuts. Marcee hysterical, laughing and
crying.
MARCEE
(to Tee Pee)
You ain’t talking now, are you??? You’re a silent motherfucker!
Tyson watches in silent awe of his mother.
BACK ON TIDWELL –
– CLOSE
Finishes his small but heartfelt dance. It is a personal catharsis he is sharing now with 2 billion people.
TIDWELL
(to himself)
Nike.
He moves past Jerry Maguire on his way off the field. Jerry, casually thumps his heart twice. Jerry Maguire is overcome with emotion. He sits down on a camera case, head in his hands. Behind him, a stadium cheers a new hero.
OVERHEARD FAN
I always knew he was great.
Maguire rubs his face. Overcome. Photographers and others rush past to be closer to Tidwell.
-
1. Name? Julie Wochholz
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 11 Features, 1 TV pilot. Several Features partially completed, and have developed ideas for a couple more TV pilots.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Problem Solving Skills. When it comes to my screenplays, I have no problem coming up with high concept ideas and great titles but once the script is completed I just know it should be better than it is. I need to double the quality! I also want to have those skills so I can work professionally with agents, producers and directors and be the problem solver in the room.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? Retired Attorney. I enjoy new adventures, and recently became obsessed with the Forrest Fenn treasure hunt. I had a blast going out into the Rockies looking for that treasure chest. Good thing someone found it, so I can focus on writing again. Currently finishing my first novel.
-
Julie Wochholz
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi James,
Think you did a great job hitting Trent’s traits quickly and powerfully. His wardrobe and office told me how metiulous he was, I saw his agression against Robert and him conspiring on the phone. Robert was gregarious (though no one wanted him!) and gosspy. And at the end I gethis low self-esteem. I did not see Trent’s subtext here (maybe I missed it.) Scene arc – We got the ass kicking but we did not start with a celebration. I di not see the interest techniques show up – I kind of knew all the way through that Robert was going to get his comuppance – no surprise or twist, no real hope/fear or mislead/reveal. I did like your setting choice (interesting setting) because the office is a place where these traits and the subtext really can play out in an interesting way.
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Hi Hope,
I like how you folded in Robert’s secretive trait and his subtext into his relationship with Trent who is conspiring. I thought Robert came off the opposite of smooth. I did see a little bit of Trent’s subtext. You did hit several interest techniques – hope/fear. betrayal, mislead/reveal, character changes radically, major twist. Good job with those.
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Hi Kathleen:
I agree w/ the prior comment that Robert was lost for a lot of the scene. I kept thinking it might have worked better if he was the guy engaged to Wendy. Trent’s traits came thru clearly – agressive, needy, conspiring plus Trent’s subtext showed up. I did see Robert’s subtext as well in the scene and did see his low self esteem. I also throught there were just too many characters and that created lost opportunities for Robert or Trent to control the action (and display traits/subtext.)
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I like how the two characters traits were revealed in their verbal sparring with each other. Making Robert a blogger really played into his subtext and placing the scene at the yacht club allowed you to exploit Trent’s subtext. Good job.