June f
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15 (June Fortunato) Examination of the character, Ti’s (antagonist’s) dialogue
for the screenplay, Katie and Ti
Currently, 34 pages written- 6 pages into Act 2
what I learned
Good assignment. I did improve several of the characters’ lines. I want to improve Ti’s dialogue, (and character) but so far, she has taken it all in. Her scenes are coming up.
KATIE
Hey, Yo! Yo! More drinks. More pretzels! An for her.
TI
Why don’t you get some sleep? There’s so much to do when you get there.
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KATIE
Hey, Yo! Yo! More drinks. More pretzels! An for her.
TI
Give it a rest.
Katie swivels, so Ti modulates her tone.
TI
Why don’t you get some sleep? There’s so much to do when you get there.
———————–
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12 June Fortunato Scene Ratings for
Act 1 of Katie and Ti or Liberation
What I learned from doing this assignment: While the process is a bit tedious, it’s well worth the backward journey. I am able to identify 5 scenes that can be amped, and one that can be cut. Thanks for the adventure.
Emotion, Intrigue, Anticipation value ratings and average of the three
42) 7,5,8 = 6.6
41) 8.5, 9,9 = 8.8
40) 8,7.5,8 = 7.8
39) 5,2,6 = 4.3 needs improvement
38) 8.5,2.5,7 = 6 scene is one line
37) 6,6,9 = 6.3
36) 6,5,8=6.3
35) 9.5,7.5,9.5=8.9
34) 8,4,5 = 5.7 scene is non-verbal
33) 2.5,4.5,6=4.3 scene is last image of previous scene and non verbal
32) 7,2.5,5= 4.33 scene is a hug goodbye
31) 4.5,8,8= 6.33
30) 4.5,8.5,8.5=7
29) 7,8,8=7.6
28) 6,3.5,9.5=6.3
27) 9,2,2=4.3 scene is one comic line
26) 3,2,4=3 needs improvement
25) 8,7,7= 7.3
24) 9,2,9=6.7
23) 7.5,6,9=7.5
22) 2.5,2.5,2.5=2.5 needs improvement
21) 8,6.5,9=8.8
20) 9,4,8=7
19) -,9,8=6 scene is visual one shot of car speeding away
18) 7.5,7,9=7.8
17) -, -, 10 Not otherwise ratable as baby laughs over scene transition
16) 5,3.5,7=6.8
15) 9, 2, 5=5.3 needs improvement
14) 7,3,9=6.3
13) 7,8.5,8.5= 8
12) 4.5,6.5.6.5=5.8
11) 4.5,8,8= 6.8
10) 7,9,8= 8 Longest scene in the first act
9) 8,5,9= 7.3
8B) 2,6,2= 3.3 Scene-let. Improve?
8A) 6,7,4=5.6 Scene-let.
8) 4,7,2 = 4.3 Scene-let Improve?
7) 6,4,6 = 5.3 needs improvement
6) 2,9.5,9.5= 6.8 (payoff)
5) 3,3,7=4.3 scene is one line
4) 5,9,9=7.6
3) 5,-, 6 = 4 scene is one short visual
2) 7,9,8.5=8.1
1)7.5,7,8=7.5
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11. June Fortunato Outline to Script!
What I learned doing this assignment:
I always start with an outline and rearrange scenes as I write the script. This project is particularly dramatically changed because I’ve rewritten my short story into a screenplay. So far I have the first act. With this course, I am focused on hitting the structure and turning points, which, I think, dramatically improves the suspense and pace.
Act 1 of Katie and Ti or Liberation
42 scenes
5 new scenes
5 new segments of scenes
More twists in each scene.
A con game in almost every scene.
Number of scenes moved to a different place from outline to script – 40 of the 42.
Scenes cut from outline 5
The antagonist’s character is more developed, and I’m focusing on her as I move forward.
thanks for the jollies!
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June Fortunato
Katie and Ti, or Liberation
I’m adapting this screenplay from a short story and consequently, have created a scene outline with the act markers, structure turns, etc. I haven’t written scenes yet, except for those previously written- which will be changed in this version. The protagonist is strong and has a strong arc and transformational journey. The antagonist so far has an implied transformational journey, and will need a stronger arc. Nonetheless, I’m delighted that I’ve made so many discoveries- threw out the old structure and I’m hopeful.
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Character and structure points for Katie and for Ti <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Revised character plan <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Revised storyline
REVISED JUNE 17 2023
Genre: Drama
High Concept:
Reckless, narcissistic Katie, wants all eyes on her, all of the time. Her parents ‘gift her” a year in Cancun, and escape her. Suddenly the very thing Katie dreaded, being invisible and of zero consequence, is her reality. That’s when Ti spots Katie and decides she has her first mark.
Beginning:
Katie: Feeling strong and flush with cash, with Evangelista: a simpleton to boss around. She plans to dominate the social media world with her youtube videos on Mexico.
Ti: Still feeling grossly abused, scapegoated and vulnerable- she’s searching for a new life.
Lyla, Dale and Freddie- plan in progress. Inciting incident earlier. They are anxious. This is also their end. After packing up and getting away from demon Katie, Katie has sabotaged their camper and they explode and die.
Inciting Incident:
Katie: Evangelista disappears and Katie takes the trip alone- only to discover that her phone is wiped, her accounts are gone, and she can’t contact her parents. And creepy, “Mexican” things are starting to happen.
Ti Sees Evangelista wipe Katie’s phone and leave her. Ti sees her opportunity with Katie, first to learn how to be tough and also to survive if Katie will pay her way. She befriends her. She knows that Katie is also able to be duped.
Act I
Katie met Ti, who helped her on the plane. Still, Katie behaves as she did stateside- reckless, spoiled and entitled. She feels abandoned and afraid so she acts out. When Ti befriends her, she feels like she can get her stride again.
Ti helps Katie set up her new youtube channel, adsense, bank account and when Katie gets blackout drunk, Ti gets her back to the hotel safely.
Ti is also undermining Katie’s confidence- by staging the elements of Mexican superstitions in Katie’s room – black moths, (death) dirt under the bed (attracts bad luck) hanging water bottles, the aloe plant with red strings- these are all set by Ti who is testing the water.
Act I Turning Point: locks them into a conflict
Katie: Is having a good time adventuring with Ti. For the first time, she feels confident to take risks doing what she’s clueless about – She has a guide. And Ti helps Katie to make and post her youtube videos. However, Katie suspects that Ti’s working her- taking too much advantage- starting to boss her around and Katie fears that she’s becoming too attached, so she strands Ti- by walking out and leaving a huge <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>bar tab.
Ti shows Katie how to be adventurous, how to see the wild, beautiful side of Cancun and was enjoying the friendship. Katie leaves Ti stranded and leaves an enormous bar tab. Katie takes off with someone.
Ti realizes that she’s got to get serious to take this girl down. She makes a plan. She vows to win control of this girl.
Act 2 Plan in action
Ti takes Katie on harrowing adventures which cost a lot of money. She uses Katie’s debit card when Katie is drunk and gets cash. And she’s pretending to look out for Katie’s interests by advising her with cheaper options, etc. She’s also talking about a ‘family’ she will go to, but that Katie will not fit.
Katie, now seeking true friendship, begins to confide in Ti. She starts to feel real human affection. She misses her real family. She’s posting on social media but has few followers, and can’t get income until she gets a certain number.
Katie: Feeling even more insecure than ever, but also, for the first time has a friend she can confide in, she tells her buried secrets. They blood bond. Katie’s starting to feel actual, true affection and regret.
Ti now makes Katie completely dependent on her. She undermines Katie’s confidence. Ti is becoming slickly ruthless- (whereas Katie is just obvious and spontaneous when she’s vicious.)
Ti is steady and following a plan to take over right under Katie’s nose and almost with her consent. Just like what happened to Ti.
Midpoint:
Ti has been baiting Katie about a group Ti intends to join, and telling Katie she’s not the right type for the group. Katie learns that Ti has been buying things using Katie’s debit card- and now her money is almost gone. They have a big blowout, and Ti leaves.
Katie is determined to follow. She spots Ti leaving but misses the bus.
She catches the next one, but is kicked off (as set up by Ti) and takes a frightening walk to find the town. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Then Katie realizes that she’s completely broke.
Turning Point 2:
Katie goes to the consulate. She learns that her parents are dead. She also knows that she’s the one who killed them- a prank which was only intended to scare Freddie.
Act 3 Rethink everything
Dilemma:
Ti’s got cash from Katie’s bank but she too, is uncertain about this group she intends to join. She could use some support from Katie, but she can’t let Katie know they’re in the same place.
Katie doesn’t know what to do. She tries to get a job, but that doesn’t work. Her doubts and insecurities overwhelm her. Katie decides to return stateside– and the consulate confiscates her passport. (Also set up by Ti) She’s stuck. She’s abandoned.
Major Conflict:
Ti’s baiting worked and Katie has followed her to Valladolid where there’s a great ceynote. Katie spots Ti and they avoid each other. Ti is eating whereas Katie is picking trash cans. In the final set up, Ti sets up a scam wheras the guru’ ‘secretly’ connects with Katie and brings her into the group. Now Ti and Katie are sworn enemies. Ti must show her their scams. They one up each other to impress the guru.
Katie vows to be better than Ti. The scam is that someone in the group distracts the tourists by pretending to drown while the others pick pocket and steal from the tourists rooms.
Katie becomes stilled at this. For the first time in her life, she’s OK with following the rules. She feels sorry for the shit she pulled on her family. She feels spiritual.
Act 4
Katie has a good life. Other than Ti, who is now warmer to her, the others appreciate her. She finally feels she’s arrived. She’s really good at the scams. The guru appreciates her. She has a place to live, and a bunch of other women to talk to. And she’s changed. She’s learned to stop bragging and she’s finally actually feeling loved.
Ending
Finally, it’s Katie’s turn to prove herself. Unlike the past, she eagerly wants to impress. Katie is the one who’ll pretend to drown. And she has trust. Katie has changed. She realized that being part of the group and being told what to do is the best way to be noticed. She feels love for her family- the old one and this new one. She’s zen about Ti. She feels she had it coming. Katie practices. She wants to be perfect. Then it’s her chance. Katie pretends to drown, and Ti jumps in to ‘save’ her- and pushes Katie under and drowns her.
Katie has become human. Ti has become a monster: part old Katie, part her former boss.
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7 June Fortunato Solves Major Problems!
Katie and Ti
What I learned: Love the focus.
A Stronger transformational journey B Stronger conflict C Stronger opening D. Stronger ending
As I work through my proposed scene list, I strengthened the OPENING by crosscutting two parallel scenes to add tension and let the characters’ reactions heighten.
I have a found ways to heighten Katie’s TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY and I’m working on developing the character for Ti- and found good things for her.
Using ChatGPT to help brainstorm, and then thinking about the how the relationship works with these two young woman, I finally have a way to work their back and forth friend/foe, need/reject, “friendship.” I especially like how underhanded, yet seemingly innocent Ti appears.
Ending
I knew the ending (actually the whole story) coming into this class, but I’m reinforcing aspects of it as a create the scene list.
While I’m not utilizing the brilliant aspects of what the class is to actually RE-write, and instead, using it as a way to formulate my story in an elevated way before I write, I have given in to the idea that this is what I’m doing, and in every way, the class is helpful. Plus, I’ll have the lessons when I finally write, and then want to rewrite Katie and Ti. Thanks for humoring me. I’m inspired.
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6 Improvements to the outline June Fortunato
I’m rethinking the entire storyline. The piece was a short story, but I decided to adapt it using this class- feeling that my dated screenplays would need a complete rethink anyway-
What I learned is that this is writing from scratch and I’m often at a loss, but keep on with it. Hal’s advice to skip ahead when ‘stuck’ is helpful. Also the advice to tell myself, “I’ll get it.”
Improvements to the outline I’m following the structure points and that’s a helpful guide. I cut the first ‘act’ of my short story and started my script mid-story to make the inciting incident stronger, to highlight the protagonist’s feeling of abandonment and parent’s panic to get away. I’m also focusing on delivering the pitch and reworking the pitch as I go. I’m thinking hard about the protagonist’s desire line, and especially, about the opponent- who was undeveloped in the story.
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3 June Fortunato Genre conventions
What I learned from doing this is: This story is closest to the drama genre. It’s a helpful assignment.
Katie and Ti or Click
Concept: When a narcissistic girl graduates, her parents give her a choice: work for a year with them in Africa building toilets, or take a year long vacation to Mexico. When Katie gets to Mexico, she discovers that her phone is wiped and she cannot reach her parents. She has zero idea of what to do. That’s when Ti makes Katie her next mark.
Genre: Fish out of water. Drama.
Purpose of the genre:
Fish out of water: to explore the world as our character learns to navigate as the people she encounters respond to her <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Drama: To explore stories with emotional and interpersonal high stakes for the characters.
Character driven journey. Katie has no one to lean on. This is a completely new thing for her.
High stakes come from within. Katie creates her own problems. It’s just that in Mexico, no one will tolerate them-especially when she runs out of money. She has to figure out how to survive.
Emotionally resonates
Here I am not sure the genre fits. While audiences will feel some empathy for Katie, she’s a antihero and a bitch, and the goal is to beat her down until she finally changes. Hopefully, the audience will root for her to make the changes.
Challenging, emotionally charged situations Challenged to the core: When Katie learns that her parents are dead- and realizes that she’s the one who killed them by sabotaging their camper.
Real life situations
Fish out of water – since this is Katie’s perspective- and she’s freaking out, she may not see reality as it really is. Nonetheless, the overall situation can be reality.
Emotions Extreme Anger/retaliation, frustration, doubt, fear, longing, self-indulgence, sparks of friendship, hope and joy.
Antagonist Two faced. Spiteful. Manipulative and slick.
Hero/antihero: An extreme brat who finally is forced to learn how to be an adult.
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Lesson 4 June Fortunato
3. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
It’s always a good exercise to work through the characters to make sure they’re a perfect balance.
Characters in
Katie and Ti or Click
A Name: Katie Rafe
B Role: Anti hero protagonist
C Core traits: 24 years old. Narcissistic, deeply insecure, emotionally driven, manipulative. Unqualified and dumbass. Relentlessly attacks. Attention must be given, or she will target the inattentive with all manner of hell. Foul mouthed.
D. Motivation: Want/Need- to be the supreme commander of all
E. Flaw/wound: she really wants and needs someone to be strong enough to make her stop. She feels unloved.
F. Secret/hidden agenda: To take revenge on her careless parents who used money for love, but had no love.
G. Internal Dilemma: Now that she’s here, she’s lost without her mom. She doesn’t know what to do.
H Why perfect: No other character asks for quite as dramatic a reckoning as Katie.
A. Name: Lyla
B. Role: Mom, a scientist, a status seeker and uses money because she too, does not know how to love.
C. Core traits: Volvo lady- drinks heavily (due to Katie) Will pay off anyone to take care of her problem without actually taking care to change herself.
D. Motivation: Want/need: she wants to make this problem go away.
E. Flaw/wound: she cannot face what she did to create this problem. Her mother was judgmental and vicious in her way.
F.Secret/Hidden agenda: To find a way to escape Katie while pretending to placate her.
G. Internal Dilemma: Anxiety that it won’t work and she’ll get caught. Anxiety that maybe she should stick it out.
H. Perfect for this story? She knows how to work the system, and she, like Katie, pretends to not know.
A. Name: Dale
B. Role: Dad. Owns many expensive car dealerships.
C. Core traits: He’s a coward with his own family.
D. Motivation Want/Need: To keep his sanity, to stay out of the way, to dodge.
E. Flaw/wound: He was in boarding schools most of his life and knows nothing of real love or parenting.
F. Secret/hidden agenda: He, like his wife, plans their escape.
G. Internal Dilemma: He has to give up everything he’s worked for to escape this madness.
H. Perfect for this story? Everyone needs a coward to play nice.
A. Name: Ti
B. Role: Opposition
C. Core traits: seemingly all American nice girl, she’s a grifter and a player. She’s as two sided as they come. Smart as a whip.
D. Motivation Want/need: like Katie, she wants status of the group
E. Flaw/wound: She’s learned about Katie’s type the hard way
F. Secret agenda: to take Katie down and fuck with her head
G. Internal Dilemma- Is Katie worth it?
H. perfect for this story? Who is the mark? Ti looks like the perfect mark for Katie- she’s slick and that’s what will finally take Katie down.
2. Answer the questions to improve the Character Profiles.
• A: Are there any parts of the profile that you could improve?
I’m currently developing this story, and will surely investigate this question
• B: Can this character fulfill their role in the story more effectively?
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Lesson 2 Four act structure
June Fortunato
Title: Katie and Ti or Click
Genre: Drama. Grift. Fish out of water.
High Concept:
Reckless, narcissistic Katie, wants all eyes on her, all of the time. Her parents ‘gift her” a year in Cancun, and escape her. Suddenly the very thing Katie dreaded, being invisible/ of zero consequence, is suddenly her reality. That’s when Ti spots Katie as her next mark.
Main conflict
End of act I
Katie’s parents finally find a way to ditch Katie, they pack up and disappear, only to die because Katie sabotaged their camper. This is the first time Katie cannot lean on anyone, which is why Ti spots Katie as her next mark.
Transformational Journey
Parents: Are pushovers and finally get the courage to do what they’ve had to do all along: the
flee. Katie, a fish out of water, learns that her vicious and manipulative tactics do not work anymore. She realizes that, actually, she’s nothing and nobody cares. She’s unburdened. She finds a new joy in being a follower, and in trying to excel and feels, finally, truly seen.
Ti she starts as someone who would help Katie, to someone who learns how to hate, and enjoys putting Katie out of her misery
Opposition
Ti steps in throughout Katie’s journey. Katie is unaware of it.
Parents- escape and Katie is unaware of it.
Structure
Opening for Katie
Katie finally graduates. (Thanks to her parents who, after 5 years, pay the college for a fake Associates degree.) Her long abused parents convince Katie to take a year long trip to Mexico by ‘begging’ her to accompany them to join a mission and help build toilets. Katie takes their fifty grand and chooses Cancun. Just what they wanted.
Katie cannot get any of her ‘friends’ to go with her to Mexico. Her parents arrange for a suck-up girl from church, Evangelista, who speaks Spanish, to go with her.
Opening for Parents and sibling: Dale and Lyla and brother, Freddie
They get to work. They’ve sold the house, they pack up. They delete all of Katie’s online accounts and theirs, they cancel their phone account, and hers. They quick jobs, sell the car dealerships, and get out, with no forwarding addresses and little money.
Opening for Ti
She is at the gate headed to Cancun, as well. She’s returning to Mexico after a battle with relatives in the USA. She’s watches Katie, and Evangelista. Normally helpful and easy going, Ti recognizes a scam when she sees it and decides to investigate.
Inciting Incident for Parents Katie ‘graduates”
Inciting Incident for Katie Katie is suddenly abandoned by Evangelista and on a one-way flight to Cancun. She suddenly realizes that she’s alone for the first time in her life.
inciting incident for Ti She follows Evangelista to the bathroom and sees that Evangelista has set Katie up and is wiping Katie’s phone. Now she’s sure that Katie is her next mark.
Act I
Katie meets Ti on the plane and brags and bitches. Ti is so drained that she drops a sedative into Katie’s drink to shut her up. Katie lands in Cancun and Ti is no where in sight. Now Katie is completely alone with no one to lean on. She discovers that her phone is wiped. She cannot get ahold of her parents. Their line is disconnected. Katie’s parents and brother die in the camper that Katie sabotaged.
Act I for Katie
She behaves as she did stateside- splashing money around, buying people’s attention, being a brute and nasty. The sim card is gone and her phone and accounts are wiped. She feels that if she can reach her parents, all will be restored.
Act I for Ti
Ti stays in a cheap hostile in Cancun or in a cabana on the beach. She follows Katie, gathers info. She gets into Katie’s room and sets up scary events of Mexican lore/superstition, such as an aloe tree with red strings, dirt under Katie’s bed, hanging water balloons, and a room full of black moths.
Act I Turning point
Katie is no longer welcome in all of Cancun. She’s blown through most of her fifty grand. She decides to leave but she has zero idea of what to do. She spots Ti in the bus station. Ti is unreceptive- so she notes where Ti is headed, and finally, secures a bus headed to the same place.
Act 2
Plan in action
Ti has assured herself that Katie will follow. She’s also made arrangements with the next bus driver. Katie’s kicked out of the bus. Katie ends not in Merida, but in Valladolid, and takes a frightening walk to find the town. In Valladolid, Katie starts to play nice. There are glimpses of Ti in the town, but Katie isn’t sure it’s her – might be her imagination. Katie goes to the consulate.
End of Act 2
Katie’s passport is confiscated. She’s broke. She’s eating off of food left on tourists’ plates. She’s stealing and trying to grift.
Act 3
rethink everything
Ti makes sure that people don’t help Katie Katie’s barely living. People don’t let her sleep in their room when she fucks them. They don’t feed her. For the first time in her life, she’s hungry, she’s terrified, and this time, she really needs help and no one cares. Now she must figure out how to steal and survive
New Plan
Katie learns that her parents are dead. She learns that it was due to the camper and she knows that she sabotaged it. The crash was intended for her brother, Freddie. Katie is homeless and living under branches at the ceynote. Katie spots Ti with a “guru” at a restaurant. Ti introduces her. He buys her breakfast. Katie is invited to be part of the group. She’s extremely grateful to Ti.
Act 4
Katie scams with them- robbing tourists while one person pretends to be drowning in the ceynote. Finally, it’s her turn to prove herself. Unlike the past, she eagerly wants to impress the boss. She is the one who’ll pretend to drown. Katie has changed. She realized that being part of the group and being told what to do is the best way to
be noticed. She practices. She wants to be perfect. Then it’s her chance. She pretends to drown, and Ti jumps in to ‘save’ her- and makes sure that Katie actually drowns.
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June Fortunato
Lesson 1 This is a complete rewrite, June 6 2023 I’m crafting this story and this is a rethink.
Pitch
Title: Katie and Ti or Click
Genre: Drama. Grift. Fish out of water.
High Concept: Reckless, narcissistic Katie, wants all eyes on her, all of the time. Her parents ‘gift her” a year in Cancun, and escape her. Suddenly the very thing Katie dreaded, being invisible/ of zero consequence, is suddenly her reality. That’s when Ti spots Katie as her next mark.
Main conflict
End of act I Katie’s parents finally find a way to ditch Katie, they pack up and disappear, only to die because Katie sabotaged their camper. This is the first time Katie cannot lean on anyone, which is why Ti spots Katie as her next mark.
Transformational Journey
Parents: Are pushovers and finally get the courage to do what they’ve had to do all along: to flee.
Katie, a fish out of water, learns that her vicious and manipulative tactics do not work anymore. She realizes that, actually, she’s nothing and nobody cares. She’s unburdened. She finds a new joy in being a follower, and in trying to excel and feels, finally, truly seen.
Ti she starts as someone who would help Katie, to someone who learns how to hate, and enjoys putting Katie out of her misery
Opposition <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Ti steps in throughout Katie’s journey. Katie is unaware of it.
Parents– escape and Katie is unaware of it.
Structure
Opening for Katie
Katie finally graduates. (Thanks to her parents who, after 5 years, pay the college for a fake Associates degree.) Her long abused parents convince Katie to take a year long trip to Mexico by ‘begging’ her to accompany them to join a mission and help build toilets. Katie takes their fifty grand and chooses Canun. Just what they wanted. Katie cannot get any of her ‘friends’ to go with her to Mexico. Her parents arrange for a suck-up girl from church, Evangelista, who speaks Spanish, to go with her.
Opening for Parents and sibling: Dale and Lyla and brother, Freddie
They get to work. They’ve sold the house, they pack up. They delete all of Katie’s online accounts and theirs, they cancel their phone account, and hers. They quick jobs, sell the car dealerships, and get out, with no forwarding addresses and little money.
Opening for Ti She is at the gate headed to Cancun, as well. She’s returning to Mexico after a battle with relatives in the USA. She’s watches Katie, and Evangelista. Normally helpful and easy going, Ti recognizes a scam when she sees it and decides to investigate.
Inciting Incident for Parents Katie ‘graduates”
Inciting Incident for Katie Katie is suddenly abandoned by Evangelista and on a one-way flight to Cancun. She suddenly realizes that she’s alone for the first time in her life.
inciting incident for Ti She follows Evangelista to the bathroom and sees that Evangelista has set Katie up and is wiping Katie’s phone. Now she’s sure that Katie is her next mark.
Act I Katie meets Ti on the plane and brags and bitches. Ti is so drained that she drops a sedative into Katie’s drink to shut her up. Katie lands in Cancun and Ti is no where in sight. Now Katie is completely alone with no one to lean on. She discovers that her phone is wiped. She cannot get ahold of her parents. Their line is disconnected.
Katie’s parents and brother die in the camper that Katie sabotaged.
Act I for Katie She behaves as she did stateside- splashing money around, buying people’s attention, being a brute and nasty. The sim card is gone and her phone and accounts are wiped. She feels that if she can reach her parents, all will be restored.
Act I for Ti Ti stays in a cheap hostile in Cancun or in a cabana on the beach. She follows Katie, gathers info. She gets into Katie’s room and sets up scary events of Mexican lore/superstition, such as an aloe tree with red strings, dirt under Katie’s bed, hanging water balloons, and a room full of black moths.
Act I Turning point Katie is no longer welcome in all of Cancun. She’s blown through most of her fifty grand. She decides to leave but she has zero idea of what to do. She spots Ti in the bus station. Ti is unreceptive- so she notes where Ti is headed, and finally, secures a bus headed to the same place.
Act 2 Plan in action Ti has assured herself that Katie will follow. She’s also made arrangements with the next bus driver. Katie’s kicked out of the bus. Katie ends not in Merida, but in Valladolid, and takes a frightening walk to find the town. In Valladolid, Katie starts to play nice. There are glimpses of Ti in the town, but Katie isn’t sure it’s her – might be her imagination.
Katie goes to the consulate.
End of Act 2 Katie’s passport is confiscated. She’s broke. She’s eating off of food left on tourists’ plates. She’s stealing and trying to grift.
Act 3
rethink everything
Ti makes sure that people don’t help Katie Katie’s barely living. People don’t let her sleep in their room when she fucks them. They don’t feed her. For the first time in her life, she’s hungry, she’s terrified, and this time, she really needs help and no one cares. Now she must figure out how to steal and survive
New Plan Katie learns that her parents are dead. She learns that it was due to the camper and she knows that she sabotaged it. The crash was intended for her brother, Freddie. Katie is homeless and living under branches at the ceynote. Katie spots Ti with a “guru” at a restaurant.
Ti introduces her. He buys her breakfast. Katie is invited to be part of the group. She’s extremely grateful to Ti.
Act 4
Katie scams with them- robbing tourists while one person pretends to be drowning in the ceynote. Finally, it’s her turn to prove herself. Unlike the past, she eagerly wants to impress the boss. She is the one who’ll pretend to drown. Katie has changed. She realized that being part of the group and being told what to do is the best way to be noticed. She practices. She wants to be perfect. Then it’s her chance. She pretends to drown, and Ti jumps in to ‘save’ her- and makes sure that Katie actually drowns.
Below: the first version
Lesson 1, Pitch and structure points
What I learned:
My script is a story that I’m re-imaging as a screenplay, so it’s extremely rough. I have much more to imagine and rethink- It’s undoubtedly the wrong project for a pro rewrite class, but it’s the story that I have to tell right now- and so I will write and rewrite in the next weeks.
A. Genre: Dark Comedy
B. Title: Hateful Katie
C. High Concept:
One sentence that gives us the major hook of this story.
Katie can’t help herself. She’s a genetically engineered baby (IVG-Crispr) gone wrong. Her scientist Mom created her. Katie’s status-seeking parents can’t get rid of her, and they can’t escape. They try every way to ditch Katie, but the vicious girl comes back over and over again. The point of view switches back and forth between Katie’s and Mom & Dad’s- flipping who is the victim. In Mexico, Katie’s situation is turned on its head.
D. Main Conflict:
The big fight, battle, or struggle that permeates the story from the 2nd Act to the end of the
final Act climax.
After 25 years of relentless attacks: fires, blood, floods, thefts, demolished cars, Katie’s parents finally send her on a ‘year long’ graduation present- a trip to Mexico. As soon as she leaves, they pack up, cut her off and disappear.
E. Transformational Journey:
The profound journey of internal and external change that the protagonist goes on.
After a permanent abandonment, Katie finally realizes that others will not placate her, take her seriously, or care. She’s invisible. She learns she’s no-one and unimportant and somehow, that she’s known that all along.
F. Opposition:
The forces that work against your protagonist or prevent them from succeeding, usually
represented by one person labeled as the Antagonist.
These decisions will all show up in the trailer for you movie. They are how distributors sell
movies to audiences.
Katie is an anti hero. Her parents do all they can to stop the menace, but they’re not nearly as clever as Katie, and her destruction is faster and easier than trying to repair her damages. In Mexico, Katie’s situation reverses. She’s tossed out of hotels, taxi’s, the bus. She becomes homeless, until she meets a guru and an interesting girl. She learns to trust, and the guru and girl drown her.
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Hi,
I’m June Fortunato
I’ve written at least 20 screenplays, more than 30 short screenplays, a limited series, interdisciplinary performance works and radio dramas.
I joined because Hal is available live, and I find him so uniquely helpful and genuine. The lessons and the schedule keep me on track, too.
Goal
I wrote a short story a few years ago and want to rewrite it as a screenplay. The challenge is daunting, and wisdom tells me that I should rewrite one of my finished screenplays. Nonetheless, this one has a high concept and expresses the offbeat dark comedy that I love these days. AND, new ideas & science keep challenging me to go for this one.
Unique
I have an offbeat sense of humor and point of view.
I started my career working in experimental theatre (in the days of Mabou Mines.) I developed /wrote experimental operas, live works, interdisciplinary forms – directed and produced them. I wrote and directed radio dramas which were broadcast on public media. I directed plays. My film was also broadcast on PBS. My “living film” (presented on a stage) consisted of thousands of projected images and voices, with which live actors interacted. (Magical Realism) and like many of my works, consists of deeply overlaid images and voices.
Now I write dark comedy, romance and dramedy.
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June Fortunato
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Cheryl, THANK YOU! so much for the helpful conversation. Thanks for answering all of my questions, and for your guidance. All good wishes to you and Hal and thanks for the wonderful class. June
Here’s my revised QUERY for email.
Subject line: Romance for Boomers Now that’s RETIREMENT!
Dear Romance Producer,
The food in jail SUCKS. Who knew? Not Roy, oh boy.
When Super Mooch Roy, 60s, gets kicked out of his girl’s apartment, and his plan to retire free in jail (free room and board!) gets him beaten nearly to death, his trampled body lands in the hospital. Well, OK! Because the food there is gerrrr-ate! and the nurses… Hoochie Mama!
This Viet Nam Vet did not expect to meet his twin-spirit, Kim, 60s, another! super mooch there.
It’s lightning in a bottle when the two combine and suddenly, Roy wants to take care of her, instead of the other way around. They do crazy things together and ignite the skies. If only she’d stop running.
Together they must learn to conquer their demons: her thieving brother and his deep despair. They find the ways to trust and to give in to love.
If you like romance, and a story aimed for the boomer generation, then I’d love to send you screenplay, RETIREMENT.
Cheers! June Fortunato
BIO
My film, Adele’s Way, broadcast on PBS, and my audio dramas broadcast on NPR. My Living Film was recognized in American Theatre Magazine. I also taught Writing for TV for Arcadia U. You can find me on IMDB, LINKED-IN, and Vimeo.
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June Fortunato’s Career Plan
What I learned: Making a list and posting it will be helpful. It’s extremely easy to lose sight of goals. Hopefully, this will help
Time to create your “Career Plan.” 1. Please tell us the answers to these questions about your next six months of activity:
A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months? Retirement sold, or optioned, festivals won, have an agent, writing new work.
B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?
In 6 months I will have incorporated changes and re-copyrighted my script. Received feedback from my TOTE list and perfected my marketing materials.
Script improvement:
1. incorporate notes 2. Review every scene for each character. 3. Review structure. 4. Review mastery sheets and Hal’s rewriting class.
Marketing materials improvement: Ditto, as above.
C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts? Started a new romance and /or reworked my previous ones, Trance & Clinical Trials. Contacted everyone on my tote list. Given feedback to everyone on my TOTE list.
D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)? I write romances about offbeat people often on the edges of society.
E. How are you going build a stronger network? Reach out to everyone I listed on my TOTE assignment. Research and connect. I scan the trades and the NYT for articles/names and then research them when they’re connected to my genre.
F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business? Speak to producers and reps.
G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?
Contacted a hundred producers connected with Romantic comedies, written, called and followed up. Sent at least 50 scripts copies out. Signed up for IMDB and posted my resume there Blasted my query & pitched online Entered at least 15 festivals/contests who focus on romance and women. Made a plan to visit LA and make the rounds. Asked for help from the Philly film office. Secured an agent. Post my logline online.
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June Fortunato knows TOTE (as compared to ‘toke’)
What I learned– It is excellent to make a plan. I do know a lot of people- and I have to know it’s OK to ask and not feel that my request is an annoyance.
TOTE for scripts (I’m thinking of this as future scripts, as well.
Early in the process, I asked my writers’ group to read my first 47 pages and got a lot of helpful notes- logistics, characters, facts. It was extremely valuable to make those fixes before moving forward.
In the future, I’ll ask them for feedback on other scripts. Approximately 10 people read and gave notes.
I currently have several beta readers in the group reviewing my first draft.
Judah, Julie, Stephen, Dawn. An accomplished editor who’s created for large companies. An accomplished art director who works on big films.
Screenwriting U So far, I’ll exchange with Dev, Anna, Cameron, Anita, Lisa
Friends & family Kitty, theatre gave notes. (I added scenes.) Two family members, so far.
Will approach others connected to my family including: Margaret, Charlene.
Potential Cabaret singer, Karen. Philadelphia screenwriters, David, Carol, Brian. Reconnect with local screenwriter’s group College friend in LA – film/theatre. Producers who requested my previous Romantic Comedy, Clinical Trials. Producers I know through my film production jobs.- Wendy. Moe. Will try to find a script consultant.
For each, I am receiving notes and address issues, and then move to more people.
TOTE FOR QUERY LETTERS
potential to approach
Bonnie, who writes copy. Possibly will review my script, as well. In Philly, fellow filmmakers– Don and James. Writer/coder, Ken. Long time friend Joe- connected to many producers. Long time association, Joan- film office.
Older network to re-establish Filmmaker Laura, a marketing genius, Indira, radio personality Others on Linked in.
Will use the same process of request, review, address concerns/ rewrite, then pass to next person.
NETWORK
I’m researching actors’ agents/producers connected to films in the same genre/quirky, and searching ways to connect. Will utilize contests- the contests that connect writers to producers and agents, including the Philadelphia contest.
Will send queries script blast. I hope to make a trip to LA to connect.
Will connect with work associates/film who are close to directors/producers. Will reach out to linked in, and IMDB.
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June Fortunato’s Query Letter for Retirement, DRAFT ONE day 10
Hi everyone, first – thanks for your reviews. I’m behind in my revisions but I do intend to incorporate your thoughts. Someone stole my identity and I’ve spent the week playing whack a mole trying to resolve issues and block them. So please forgive that this is just a first draft. Be safe out there! June
What I learned: I tweaked my opening hook a bit since yesterday. I look forward to learning what works, what doesn’t. Thank you for exchanging!
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
Who doesn’t want to live for free when they retire? Retirement is a love story about two “still hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. The gals fall for him until his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to a pulp (the food there sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to join society because his 60+ year-old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My film was broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and audio drama, (very fun!) including one of which was broadcast to more than 30 stations globally. My living film received international recognition with a two-page article in American Theatre Magazine, and I received more than 60 Grants/Fellowships, including from the NEA, Drama League of Directors, PEW, PCA and corporate sponsors.
Subject specific experience
Kim is a singer because I worked for so many years in live theatre, and additionally, production stage managed & designed lights for 50 + cabaret shows/singers. (Loved it. Loved them.) Simultaneously, I facilitated medical and legal conferences- of which I listened to thousands of lectures. Consequently, I’m keenly interested in health and medicine. My 40 years of production work gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) because I worked so many gigs there. BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
Personal experience includes falling in love in my 40s, bilateral hip surgery – (so believe me, I know osteo!) As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school, and I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that Retirement will float your kite.
Would you be willing to read the first ten pages of my screenplay?
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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June Fortunato’s DRAFT TWO for RETIREMENT
Thanks for the feedback. I’m trying to get this to one page, but it’s a couple of lines over.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
RETIREMENT is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to almost to death (misCALCUlation but the food sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My character, Kim, is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers. That gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
My film broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two page article in The American Theatre Magazine recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships including one from the NEA.
As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school. I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that RETIREMENT will float your kite. Would you be willing to read the first fifteen pages of my screenplay?
In one week, I’ll follow this request with a phone call.
Good tidings, June Fortunato
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com
Address. Phone number. Date.
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June Fortunato’s DRAFT THREE 1/2 of RETIREMENT
DEV, thank you! for the outstanding notes. I incorporated all but one or two. You rock! Still thinking about “the stories with soul line. ” That was the aspiration in the 70s. Matt, still thinking about your notes. My spelling is correct, but hard to read because that’s my character’s dialect. Anita, thanks, I made most of your suggestions.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
RETIREMENT is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him, and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten almost to death – miscalculation! but the food sucks anyway – and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe in love.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find their future.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
Kim is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers, which gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
My film, Adele’s Way, broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two page article in The American Theatre magazine recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships including one from the NEA.
I’ve written 20+ shorts, features, TV and audio drama. As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that RETIREMENT will float your
kite. Would you be willing to read the first fifteen pages of my screenplay?
In one week, I’ll follow this request with a phone call.
Good tidings, June Fortunato
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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June Fortunato’s Query Letter day 9 of marketing Revised
What I learned I think I did make a breakthrough by starting with that hook. Thanks.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
Who doesn’t want to retire for free? Retirement is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. The gals fall for him until his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to a pulp (the food there sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to join society because his 60+ year old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to get her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My film was broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and audio drama, (very fun!) including one of which was broadcast to more than 30 stations globally. My living film received international recognition with a two-page article in American Theatre Magazine, and I received more than 60 Grants/Fellowships, including from the NEA, Drama League of Directors, PEW, PCA and corporate sponsors.
Subject specific experience Kim is a singer because I worked for so many years in live theatre, and additionally, production
stage managed & designed lights for 50 + cabaret shows/singers. (Loved it. Loved them.) Simultaneously, I facilitated medical and legal conferences- of which I listened to thousands of lectures. Consequently, I’m keenly interested in health and medicine.
My 40 years of production work gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) because I worked so many gigs there. BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
Personal experience includes falling in love in my 40s, bilateral hip surgery – so believe me, I know osteo! As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school, and I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that Retirement will float your kite. Would you be willing to read the first ten pages of my screenplay?
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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June Fortunato has Lots of Hooks for Retirement. Day 8 of marketing
What I learned: I have lots of hooks.
Roy Dent 2, 3,4, 5, 7, 14,21,24,29,30,31,32,38
Kim Kirby 10, 11,28,33,35,38
Kim’s brother Brian and Sister in Law, Ingrid 11, 26,27,34,36
Nurse Suzy 6, 12,22,39
Marilyn 18,19,37
1. Unique and culture changing language from the first word.
2. Convo from the 70s starts the screenplay – what happened to one of the lads?
3. Roy, late 60s could charm the frown off of a church lady.
4. Roy makes up words to songs from the 60s and 70s to charm women.
5. Roy thinks he’s warming up his gal but the house is abandoned. Roy has found himself in this situation before.
6. His gal, Suzy, found his hidden war medal. It’s not disclosed why he was awarded it.
7. Roy steals and crashes a van. He mentions time in VietNam.
8. Roy gets beaten almost to death and lands in the hospital.
9. His nurse is the woman who left him.
10. On page 10, Kim appears to be homeless. Who is she? “A waiting tiger- a fighter with a hit
and run approach.”
11. Kim barges into what appears to be her own house and is thrown down the stairs. Her
brother & sister in law will cover up their crime. They also stole almost everything she owns.
12. Nurse Suzy calls a lawyer on behalf of Roy. She’s obligated to date the man.
13. Roy is told that he must ‘get normal’ join society and settle down.
14. page 20 Roy actually declared himself dead, and that’s why he can’t claim ssi.
15. page 21- Roy meets Kim and they’re instantly smitten with each other.
16. Kim’s brother and sis in law have gotten her discharged and want to whisk her into a mental institution. Roy saves her and she escapes.
17. Kim steals Suzy’s car and swaps it for a woman’s (Marilyn) in a boutique. She also steals a bathing suit.
18. Marilyn, delayed because her car was misplaced, falls and is rushed to the hospital.
19. Marilyn’s car is returned to the parking garage. How will she get it, now that she’s in the hospital?
20. Kim’s squatting in a theatre and she sings and plays the piano. She also copies a lot of papers.
21. Roy, in court, pays his debts but must find a permanent address in 6 weeks or be assigned a financial guardian.
22. Suzy takes sympathy on Marilyn and babysits her dogs- and wants to find someone to replace her. She wants to get Roy to do it. Will she?
23. Kim learns that she got the parking attendant fired so she steers him to the theatre, when she knows they need more crew. Will he get hired?
24. Roy’s about to leave the hospital but has to have a procedure.
25. Kim, who’s found a gym pass, ends up at the Bellevue hotel and finds an open suite to squat in.
26. Kim’s brother and sister in law have fraudulently reassigned the house deed to take the house away from her.
27. Roy confronts Kim’s brother in a bank.
28. page 57 both Roy and Kim squat at the Bellevue hotel, and, finding each other, reignite their relationship. They plan to go to Atlantic City. First, Kim has something to do.
29. page 67 Will Roy blow up Kim’s family home?
30. page 70 Roy freaks out. What will happen? Will he forgive Kim? Will she forgive herself? Is he permanently messed up? Will they get back together again? Will he have another breakdown?
31. p 78 Roy and Suzy see each other. Suzy tries to get him to be the pet sitter but he escapes
the situation. Will he ever meet Marilyn and pet sit?
32. page 80 Where will Roy sleep?
33. page 82. Kim hijacks her brother. Has she gone crazy? will she crash the car?
34. p 88 Kim retakes her car. will she retake her house? She doesn’t know that her brother forged a new deed.
35. page 93 Will Kim come back and help Marilyn out of guilt?
36. page 104 Will they catch Kim’s brother and sister in law? Will Ingrid get away?
37. Will Marilyn forgive Kim? What will happen to where they live if she doesn’t?
38. Will Roy and Kim finally get together and stay together?
39. Will Suzy get a payback?
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June Fortunato’s Logline(s) and One-Sentence Phone Pitch for Retirement
What I learned: Good to differentiate between written pitch and in aural pitch.
Three versions of logline
a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.
When Super mooch Roy, 60s, gets kicked out of his free place to live, he aims for a permanent situation but instead meets his twin spirit super mooch, and wants to take care of her instead of the other way around.
b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.
Super mooch Roy, 60s, aims for a permanent free living situation, but when he gets beaten within an inch of his life, he’s forced to join society proper- and resists – until he meets his twin spirit, Kim, and has an excellent reason to straighten up and fly right.
c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).
The biggest lie Roy, 60s, tells himself is that he can ignore his demons and mooch off of some fine gal permanently, until his girl walks, his body is beaten to a pulp, and then he meets the woman he wants to take care of for the rest of his life.
2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.
It’s a love story about still-hippie 60 year olds for the boomer generation.
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June Fortunato’s Marketable Components day 6 – for RETIREMENT
What I learned: My pitch passed the dreaded “husband test” who is the hardest person to convince!
1. Tell us your current logline.
When Crazyass Roy, 60s, meets his twin spirit, Kim, also in her 60s and she plays the same mooch game, it’s instant lightening in a bottle. They do crazy things together and he falls in love with her and wants to take care of her instead of the other way around. If only she’d stop running. Together, they learn to trust, to face their demons, and to give in to love.
2. Components of Marketability
A. Unique. A romance between two 60+ people, VietNam vet, set in Philadelphia, and the dialogue is culture changing.
D. It’s a first. It might just be a first to tell a genuine love story where someone isn’t cheating on a wife. Also, that they’re both recently ‘unhoused’
G. Wide audience appeal. Audience appeal to boomer generation. There are a LOT of boomers.
J. A great role for a bankable actor. More than one role for bankable stars. Especially since actors in their sixties get cast as curmudgeons and these folks are vibrant and full of pizazz.
When we did this assignment on January 19th, I chose Unique and Wide audience appeal- but thanks to the many lessons of this class, I’ve added Bankable actor and It’s a first.
3.How<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> you might pitch the script through the two components.
Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. This is an incredibly sweet, deep and life-affirming story about two unique “still-hippies” – two broken halves – who find each other to make a whole, but only after helping each other face their wounds. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other.
Actors Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
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June Fortunato is expanding her network Day 5 of Marketing module
What I learned
After scrolling through twitter and literally falling asleep- going back to it- clicking- I have not cracked the code of what’s useful on the site. It seems to me to be far too time consuming and at best, a slim, very long range plan. As far as facebook, maybe it’s a bit more direct. I find Linked in to be the most useful, easiest to build and connect and most professional. The truth is that focus is everything and twitter is an hours long distraction with little gain. Plus, it needs to be constantly returned to.
1. Create a plan of at least 10 actions to take in the next 60 days to build a strong social network and connect with producers.
ACTIONS TAKEN
I updated my linked in page- severely needed as it was four years out of date. I sent out a message through linked in, pitched my logline, and got messages in return. FB I joined a producer group and commented on posts. FB joined ‘secrets of screenwriting group.
Twitter– returned to it a few times. Typed FILM and started clicking “follow” on production companies, Women in Film chapters (I’ve applied in the past), and other film orgs. Commented on a Drew Barrymore post.
TO DO
Linked in – continue and finish update and get more recommendations on the site. Re-join IMDB Pro and post my resume Purchase a Hollywood creative and search for contacts of companies who produce my genre of work. Search my exterior hard drives for producers I’ve had direct contact with on my previous Romantic comedy, Clinical Trials. Still collecting comments from 7 more beta readers of my first draft and will make updates, re-register with Copyright office, and then send to script blasts and pitch fests.
2. Go to Twitter and look through our list of producers. Follow at least five of them that you feel comfortable meeting through Twitter. If you don’t have a Twitter account, sign up now. We use Twitter for many things in the PSA, so you’ll be ahead of the curve when you get there.
I tried the Screenwriter’s U link on twitter for list of producers several times but the link doesn’t work for me. If anyone can help me with this, I’ll be grateful.
3. On the five producers you’ve followed on Twitter, read through their tweets and find something they’ve said that you can make a comment about.
4. Post the following:
Plan (above) Twitter address Trancewoof (an address created when I wrote, Trance, the Power Pug TV series) Producers followed: Paramount+ and Warner bros.
Your experience of approaching producers this way.
Did not really approach yet. I have a hard time scrolling on social media for work. The only site I find at all businesslike is Linked in. The others feel like I should be accomplishing something and it’s too vast, and inefficient. If someone has a shortcut, I’ll be grateful for the advice.
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June Fortunato’s Network Day 4 of Marketing
What potential do you see in your network? Good potential
What I learned Although I’ve got a long list, many of these connections are years old and will fall away. It’ll be an adventure contacting all of these peeps again to see who’ll remember me.
1 Friends and supporters No feedback Family, non-writer friends.
2 Feedback sources
Anita SU, Judah writers’ group, Ellen, writers group & published author, Bob film editor, Stephen writers’ group- banking consultant, Julie published author, Dev SU, Kitty industry, Marty- legal consultant, Dawn – writers’ group- published author
3 Fans/facilitators No feedback
Chris – industry connections, Don represented filmmaker, Barbara Production company, Mason – director- IMDB, Brian first AD worked with him, Mark produced screenwriter produced his work, Joan film office- connections with producers, Carola – published and in the industry- sister connected in industry, Debbie – possible industry connections-LA, Scott industry connections, John- industry connections and repped writer, James and Sara industry connections, Chris – producer- industry connections, Dave editor, Eugene-director and financial connections, Roy formerly exec, Tovah industry connections. Tom repped by Helen Merrill agency. Leilani – industry connections. David- produced screenwriter. Greta ties to Philadelphia politics and funding, Kevin ties to industry. Joe – industry connections. Harvey (company founder and producer). Diane casting director, Daryl and Chrissy – industry connections. Rich produced filmmaker, Rob Ratface long career in film, Monique – producer- ties to industry, Carol – produced screenwriter. Ron editor industry connections, Mark industry connections, Frances Production company, Shane – art director big films recent contact, mikelemon casting, Nancy production company, Nicolas production company, Mioshi production company, Joey – industry connections, Gretchen- local tv access – film connections, Steve- industry production, Scott works on big films, Seth industry connections, Caroline- loose connections funding, Michael production company, Jim potential industry connections, Tony industry connections, David industry connections (Olympics), Elise, art director big films, Brian – screenwriter, contest head, Diane – ties to the industry, Brian industry connections
4 Champions
Adam production company, Tony- director producer industry connections, Ray production company, Wendy producer, Carol agent, dave management, David development, Marc producer, Emily management, Susan assistant to big stars direct connections, Tony director, producer, big time connections, Robert Management company, Dawn producer
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Campaign, Strategies and Tactics Day 3 of Marketing
June Fortunato’s Marketing Campaign for Retirement, a romance
What I learned: It is good to make a plan and post it.
Campaign to see my film, Retirement, streaming and trending on a major streamer, such as Netflix or Amazon – featuring major talent. (Netflix & Amazon demographic contains a large number of seniors) Sell my Romance screenplay, Retirement, to a mid-level budget producer with connections to streamers with the ultimate goal of having my movie produced with star talent for $20 mil
Strategies for my romance- mid level budget ($20 mil) Target mid-budget directors and producers with their work streaming Target actors who’d be great via their agents- and actors I’ve contacted in the past. Target producers who’ve worked with those actors. Target producers of current mid-level budget romances such as “Marry Me” Target producers of women’s scripts Target producers interested in stories about seniors, Viet Nam veterans and Philadelphia
My tactics
Network Return to producers who requested a script through script blast for my previous rom-com. Connect to friends (who are connected to producers) through Philadelphia film office, where I read for their contest (many years)
Connect with Philadelphia producer/directors I know for advice/connections. Connect with linked in producers/directors/actors Contact my connected friends who are actors & those who worked and still work in the industry in LA <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Submit to contests especially those which feature women, and who tend to choose romance as winners.
Query Connect with producers who are interested in stories about older people & pitch
Connect with Sundance and programs that feature unusual voices
Attend conferences, mostly virtual, and network and <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>volunteer to work the festival
Potentially fly to LA and set up pitch meetings
Update my linked in profile to feature my latest work.
List script in InkTip.com.
Query Letter blast on ScriptBlaster.com
Attend Pitch Fests, pitching my script.
Send queries to agents with connections to directors of romance, and producers of romance. Hollywood creative- find producers, query and request to pitch on the phone.
Go to local film festival and network. List my logline on every logline site.
Build a network on Social Network sites. Research producers on IMDB.com, and in trade magazines, Hollywood creative, etc.
Give a reading with actors and stream it to invited guests- such as producers, actors, agents.
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June Fortunato’s Target Market Day 2 Marketing
Retirement
Logline
When Crazyass Roy, 60s, meets his twin spirit, Kim, also in her 60s and she plays the same mooch game, it’s instant lightening in a bottle. They do crazy things together and he falls in love with her and wants to take care of her instead of the other way around. If only she’d stop running. Together, they learn to trust, to face their demons, and to give in to love.
Genre Romance/buddy
What I learned– Love the system.
MOVIES AND THEIR PRODUCERS
Hello, My Name is Doris (2015/2016)
Sally Field Director Michael Showalter Production Companies: Red Crown Prods, Haven Ent, Frame Switch
Produced by
Mauricio Betancur … executive producer
Christopher Boyd … co-producer
Anthony Brandonisio … co-producer
Rebecca Cammarata … associate producer
Valerie Contreras … associate producer
Daniel Crown … producer
Tiana Idoni-Matthews … co-executive producer
Kevin Mann … producer
Riva Marker … producer
Jordana Mollick … producer
Dominic Ottersbach … co-producer
Alison Sanders … co-executive producer
Michael Showalter … executive producer
Daniela Taplin Lundberg … producer
Laura Terruso … co-producer
50 First Dates (2004) Adam Sandler & Drew Barrymore Director Peter Segal
Produced by
Scott Bankston … co-producer
Michael Ewing … executive producer
Jack Giarraputo … producer (produced by)
Steve Golin … producer (produced by)
Kevin Grady … associate producer
Nancy Juvonen … producer (produced by)
Larry Kennar … co-producer
Daniel Lupi … executive producer
Tom McNulty … production executive
Jay Roach … executive producer
Two Weeks Notice (2002) Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant Director Marc Lawrence (also writer)
Produced by
Bruce Berman … executive producer
Sandra Bullock … producer
Scott Elias … associate producer
Mary McLaglen … executive producer
Forrest Gump (2004) Tom Hanks Director Robert Zemeckis
Produced by
Wendy Finerman … producer (produced by)
Charles Newirth … co-producer
Steve Starkey … producer (produced by)
Steve Tisch … producer (produced by)
Under the Tuscan Sun (2003) Diane Lane Director Audrey Wellis (also screenplay)
Produced by
Katie DiMento … associate producer (as Kate DiMento)
Laura Fattori … executive producer
Mark Gill … executive producer
Jon Goldman … associate producer
Sandy Kroopf … executive producer
Edoardo Petti … associate producer
Tom Sternberg … producer
Audrey Wells … producer
Something’s Gotta Give (2003) Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Keanu Reeves Director Nancy Meyers (also writer)
Produced by
Bruce A. Block … producer
Suzanne Farwell … co-producer
Nancy Meyers … producer (uncredited)
As Good As It Gets (1997) Jack Nicholson Helen Hunt Greg Kinnear Director James L Brooks (also screenplay)
James L. Brooks … producer (produced by)
Bridget Johnson … producer (produced by)
Maria Kavanaugh … associate producer
Laurence Mark … executive producer
Richard Marks … co-producer
Aldric La’auli Porter … associate producer (as Aldric Porter)
Richard Sakai … executive producer
John D. Schofield … co-producer
Owen Wilson … associate producer
Kristi Zea … producer (produced by)
Laura Ziskin … executive producer
Love Actually (2003) Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Billy Bob Thornton Director Richard Curtis
Tim Bevan…producer
Liza Chasin…co-producer
Eric Fellner…producer
Debra Hayward…co-producer
Duncan Kenworthy…producer
Chris Thompson…line producer
Galaxy Quest (1999) Tim Allen, Sigorney Weaver, Tony Shaloub, Sam Rockwell Director Dean Parisot
Elizabeth Cantillon…executive producer
Allegra Clegg…associate producer
Suzann Ellis…co-producer
Mark Johnson…producer
Janet Lewin…associate producer
Charles Newirth…producer
Sona Partayan…co-producer (as Sona Gourgouris)
Thanks for Sharing (2012) Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim Robbins Director Stuart Blumberg
Miranda de Pencier … producer
David Koplan … producer
Bill Migliore … producer (as William Migliore)
Julia Muggia … field producer: epk
Edward Norton … executive producer
Doug Torres … associate producer
Leslie Urdang … producer
Dean Vanech … producer
ACTORS
Dana Carvey born 1955 The Dana Carvey Show and SNL
Producers:
Louis C.K.,
Greg Sills,
Robert Smigel,
J.J. Sedelmaier,
Dana Carvey
Tony Shalhoub 1953 (TV since 2002)
Martin Short born 1950
Tim Allen, 1953 (69)
Billy Bob Thornton (1955) (no romance movies)
Roberto Benigni 1952 (age 69)
Chris Rock 1965 (57) Perfect essence, too young
Jim Carrey born 1962
Greg Kinnear (1963)
Julia Louise Dreyfus 1961 Beth and Don (in post production)
Producers
Stefanie Azpiazu … producer
Anthony Bregman … producer
Johnny Holland … executive producer
Julia Louis-Dreyfus … producer
Catherine O’Hara 1954
Tracey Ulman 1959
Drew Barrymore (1975) (perfect essence, too young) Surrender Dorothy (in production)
Drew Barrymore…producer
Nancy Juvonen…producer
Robert Kosberg…producer
Charles Roven…producer
Julianne Moore 1960 May/December in production
Jessica Elbaum … producer
Will Ferrell … producer
Pamela Koffler … producer
Sophie Mas … producer
Natalie Portman … producer
Christine Vachon … producer
Jennifer Coolidge 1961 (white lotus)
Megan Mullally 1958 Singer & TV
Susan Sarandon 1946
Sally Field (1946) Eighty for Brady (in production) Comedy
Tom Brady…producer
Michael Angelo Covino…executive producer
Donna Gigliotti…producer
Kyle Marvin…executive producer
Jeffrey Stott…executive producer
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June Fortunato’s Retirement Project and Market Day 1
(and thanks to Dev for some of this wording!)
What I learned today: It’s extremely helpful to review the logline and the inciting concepts. I’m excited to go through this module.
Logline When Crazyass Roy, 60s, meets his twin spirit, Kim, also in her 60s and she plays the same mooch game, it’s instant lightening in a bottle. They do crazy things together and he falls in love with her and wants to take care of her instead of the other way around. If only she’d stop running. Together, they learn to trust, to face their demons, and to give in to love.
Genre Romance / Buddy
Most attractive about your story Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. This is an incredibly sweet, deep and life-affirming story about two unique “still-hippies” – two broken halves – who find each other to make a whole, but only after helping each other face their wounds. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other.
Actors Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
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June Fortunato Ready for a critique of Retirement Day 6 of openings
I’ve word-smithed.
Retirement: two protagonists- two sets of the first three criteria and page numbers:
Roy
Page 1-2 Roy is locked out this is the inciting incident. He seeks a permanent place to retire.
Page 2 Twist: Suzy discovered that he’s a war hero
Page 4 Twist: Roy steals a van and wrecks it to get into prison
Page 7 Twist: Roy decides that prison is not a good option, so he gets himself beat up to go to a hospital
Page 9: Twist: Suzy works at the hospital and he was beaten near death
Page 10: Kim, the second protagonist, is introduced. She appears to be homeless.
Page 11- Twist: Suzy owns a house. Her brother and sister in law kicked her out.
Page 12: Inciting incident: Kim is thrown down the staircase
Page 12: Twist Kim’s brother and sister in law stole Kim’s inheritance and now they intend to get her committed so that they can steal her half of the house.
The story:
In the hospital, Roy must change his lifestyle- Kim and Roy meet and it’s instant kismet. Roy
gets a lawyer and he repays his debts, but the court orders him to find a permanent house or be assigned a financial guardian. Kim’s brother and sister in law try to throw Kim into an asylum so Roy helps her to escape. Kim “borrows” a car and then inadvertently causes Marilyn to have an accident. Roy and Kim find each other and hang out together and grow close. Kim triggers Roy’s PTSD, and they split. Kim works on stopping her brother by anonymously by sending proof of their theft. (also of a bank) Roy and Kim meet up again and work together to defeat Kim’s foes.
The first Ten Pages
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.
JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone out. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, and scooches himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes, neatly folded, are
on a counter. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; ragged military pouch. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, work gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His pouch. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around his skinny frame and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces
the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges this maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin’ in from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building.
Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – EARLY AFTERNOON THREE MEN, strung-out and jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at Tyrone. The other two, A SKANKY guy and a BUTTROTTEN DUDE also in withdrawal, are agitated, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE (to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE (to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. No drugs!
ROY You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (to Pukeface) Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy) I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY I took a car, too.
TYRONE You did?
ROY Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE Tik tok.
ROY Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which is supposedly something to eat.
GUARD Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY Watch me fellas. (To Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets frenzied and starts yelling.
SKANK Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD You’re gonna eat that slop.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY (feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT (howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. ATTENDANT TIM taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a MANILLA file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT TIM Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney. Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT TIM Stinks, too. Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Tim settles Roy – He fastens a restraint between the bed and Roy, moves the IV pole and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY One day, Roy. One!
ROY Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY Don’t test me. (To Tim) I know him. The last thing this man is, is a flight risk.
Tim looks at her.
He doesn’t need those.
Tim is not sure.
SUZY Really.
Tim removes the restraints and leaves. Suzy inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she reads the thermometer.
ROY I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY You’re running a fever.
ROY My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have you transferred. Doc will be in to see you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet, unlocks it and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers – opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY And you’re in a heap of trouble, Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits.
SUZY And don’t move. That rib can puncture your heart.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Suzy strides out and her “No BS” demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT KIM, 60s. Her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions. She’s a waiting tiger – a fighter with a hit-and-run approach. Her vocal self-talk demonstrates years of therapy. Holding TRAVEL BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she proclaims even louder, and looks at them to get their attention.
KIM Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right.
She tugs the stop-cord and the bus pulls over to a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim circles the house. She sits in the garden facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring.
KIM This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID Stupid cow.
BRIAN Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM Hi Brian.
-
June Fortunato’s Great First Page day 5 of openings for Retirement
What I learned: I’ve learned a great deal about Roy through the process of writing the entire script. My first definitions of Roy, early in the course, were a start, but now I’ve found his core. This week, I added the very opening of page 1 which shows Roy’s main characteristic- that is that he seeks companionship despite his own safety. And that, for him, others are his definition of home.
The first page- I think it speaks to that, and although I rearranged a phrase in the opening, my attempts to rewrite his character info distract and become on the nose. What needs work are the many places in the body of my script to fill in, and insert scenes to set up the ending.
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.) Fugazi. Moron. Chumpface. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. Buds for life.
JOE (V.O.) Yeah? Well we’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60s, wiry dude, with nervous energy, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause. Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, covers and then steps onto the dying grill, and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; worn-out box. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
-
June Fortunato’s Rough Draft Day 4 of openings
What I learned: I’d written the twists and inciting incidents while reading Day 1’s info. I have two protagonists, and two sets of inciting incidents, and twists. I might have to interlace Kim’s introduction with Roy’s, but the timeline is set up so they can’t arrive at the hospital simultaneously.
Retirement: two protagonists- two sets of the first three criteria and page numbers:
Roy Page 1 Roy is locked out (intrigue) this is the inciting incident. Page 3 steals a van (twist) Page 8 beaten half to death- this compounds the inciting incident because he can no longer live the way he used to–we know that the story is about him finding a true home and permanent love.
Kim Introduced on Page 11 intrigue- crazy person goes into the home- provocative- and twist– it’s her house and this is her brother- antagonists introduced Page 12-(KIM’S PAGE 3) Kim’s thrown down the staircase (inciting incident) twist- her brother and sister in law have stolen all her money and they intend to pass her off as crazy and lock her up so that they can steal her house.
The First ten pages of Retirement
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. Chumpface. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. Buds for life.
JOE (V.O.) Yeah? Well we’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause. Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the dying grill, and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; worn-out box. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes.
and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – EARLY AFTERNOON THREE MEN, strung-out and acting jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at Tyrone. The other two, A SKANKY guy and a BUTTROTTEN DUDE also in withdrawal, are agitated, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE (to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE (to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. No drugs!
ROY You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (to Pukeface) Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy) I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY I took a car, too.
TYRONE You did?
ROY Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE Tik tok.
ROY Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which is supposedly something to eat.
GUARD Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY Watch me fellas. (To Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets frenzied and starts yelling.
SKANK Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD You’re gonna eat that slop.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY (feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT (howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. ATTENDANT TIM taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a MANILLA file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT TIM Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney. Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT TIM Stinks, too.
Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Tim settles Roy – He fastens a restraint between the bed and Roy, moves the IV pole and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY One day, Roy. One!
ROY Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY Don’t test me. (To Tim) I know him. The last thing this man is, is a flight risk.
Tim looks at her.
He doesn’t need those.
Tim removes the restraints and leaves. Suzy inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she looks at the thermometer.
ROY I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY You’re running a fever.
ROY My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have you transferred. Doc will be in to see you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet, unlocks it and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers – opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY And you’re in a heap of trouble, Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits.
SUZY And don’t move. That rib can puncture your heart.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Suzy strides out and her “No BS” demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT
KIM, 60s, her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions. She’s a fighter with a hit-and-run approach who lives on the edge. Her vocal self-talk demonstrates years of therapy. Holding several CARRY BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no on-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she proclaims even louder, and looks at them to get their attention.
KIM Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right. She tugs the stop-cord and the bus pulls over to a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim circles the house. She sits in the garden facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring.
KIM This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID Stupid cow.
BRIAN Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM Hi Brian.
INT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim sails in and heads for a staircase and climbs.
BRIAN Ingrid doesn’t want you here.
KIM And I don’t want Ingrid here. Except that this is my house.
INGRID She’s smoking! Brian!
BRIAN Kim, please.
Almost to the top.
KIM Wouldn’t Mom be proud of you, Bry Bry?
Ingrid lurches past Brian and up the staircase after Kim.
INGRID I said, “Get Out.”
She grabs Kim and pulls her backwards. Kim tumbles with all of her things, hits bottom and howls.
INGRID (innocently to Brian) It was an accident.
Brian is on the phone.
BRIAN Ambulance, please. My sister has had a tremendous fall.
INGRID She’ll be OK.
BRIAN We have to think. Ingrid. We have to think. How do we explain this one?
INGRID Tell them she’s crazy. She’s “unstable.”
BRIAN We already took most of what she owned.
INGRID So get her locked up. She’ll be cared for. Pull strings.
Brian looks down at Kim who doesn’t move.
INGRID It’s for her own protection.
-
June Fortunato’s opening scene is irresistible! Day 3 of openings
What I learned. I struggled with this because my screenplay is written, and I want to fix other parts of the screenplay. My ending, for example, is still weak and I need to insert setups in the body to fix my ending.
My opening already clicks all of the criteria. Adding scenes kill the tone and weaken the impact of the surprises in the opening scene. Intercutting scenes from other parts of the screenplay kills the momentum and don’t make sense with the current action.
Frustrating assignment.
Nonetheless, I’m posting a new version with am addition of voices in black at the beginning to satisfy this assignment. Bottom line, though – Start late. Jump in. Less is more. Contrivances are contrivances and old school.
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.) Fugazi. Moron. Chumpface. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. Buds for life.
JOE (V.O.) Yeah? Well we’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the dying grill, and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; worn-out box. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes.
and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for
hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
-
June Fortunato’s openings Day 2 of Great openings
What I learned: My entire script is written. I love my current opening, which features a unique character, a twist at the end of the first scene- and is directly related to the problem to be solved in the movie, i.e. finding a permanent home- finding a forever love/mate. However, I intend to incorporate some of the ‘types’ of openings into this so it’s a good brainstorming exercise and it helps.
The 10 types of opening possibilities for Retirement:
I know that the assignment calls for choosing one of the types of openings, but my opening involves several types already and because of this assignment, will include more.
Instant conflict Roy is locked outside and tries to flirt his way into his house. It’s not a gun battle, but it is a conflict. When he sneaks into the house, she’s moved out. That’s the twist.
Contrast opening I could cut between Roy, current scene, and Kim when she’s homeless- which would forecast Roy’s soon to be plight. However, that spoils the twist and the surprise and the situations are of a different type: foreshadowing not a true contrast.
Shocking opening I could start with the scene when Roy steals the van, but that kills any empathy the audience begins with – and it also kills his best aspect- which is his charm- It’s also not related to what needs to be solved throughout the movie.
Setup/Twist opening This happens in Retirement: Roy’s flirting with Suzie and the twist is that she’s moved out and he’s in a heap of trouble.
Unusual Voice over – I like this idea so will use it: I currently begin with a two-sentence, over black statement about the ages and dates of the draft to VietNam. However, this exercise gave me the idea to have that statement in Roy’s voice and character.
The unusual character Roy is that. So is Kim. Roy is introduced singing and acting silly to charm Suzie into opening the door. Real goofball <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kim is introduced after Roy’s inciting incident: She acts nutzo and talks to herself and anyone within earshot.
The action opening: Tough call for Retirement. I’d have to start with a couple of scenes that play later, such as Kim is tossed down the stairs. Roy steals a van. Kim hijacks her brother and takes him on a harrowing <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ride. And this would be combined with a scene that takes place in another part of the movie.
Here are some of the scenes I have that might be used:
1. Roy’s blood in the toilet
2. Kim hijacks her brother for a joy ride.
3. Roy is with the blind man in a lighthouse
4. Kim is a ghost in her own house and finds a stash of incriminating evidence.
5. Roy’s on the rooftop with a noose.
Within the script there are four stories described, not seen. I’m considering beginning with the one that directly impacts a protagonist’s (Kim’s) move against her opponent (It’s described because it takes place prior to the timeline,) by crosscutting it with the current opening.
The trick opening I can’t think of anything to do that I don’t hate for this concept.
-
June Fortunato loves this opening- Catch Me If You Can Day 1 of first ten pages
What I learned- I analyzed my script and found that I hit the marks on page 1, 3 and by page 10. the second protagonist is offset but has the same number of pages for her points.
INT. – GAME SHOW SET. – DAY 1 BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE FROM
1978 MUSIC UP: A SIMPLE GAME SHOW SET —
One long desk-that houses four “CELEBRITY PANELISTS,” a small
pulpit with attached microphone for the host, BUD COLLYER,
who walks through the curtain to the delight of the audience.
Bud bows and waves to the celebrities — ORSON BEAN, KITTY
CARLISLE, TOM POSTON, and PEGGY CASS.
BUD COLLYER
Hello, panel, and welcome everyone
to another exciting day on “To Tell
The Truth.” Let’s get the show
started.
THE CURTAIN STARTS TO RISE BRIGHT LIGHTS SHINE on the faces
of THREE MEN who walk toward center stage. All three in wear
identical AIRLINE PILOT UNIFORMS, each with blue blazers and
caps.
Gentleman, please state your names.
PILOT #1
My name is Frank Abagnale Jr.
THE PILOT IN THE MIDDLE steps forward.
PILOT #2 My name is Frank Abagnale
Jr.
THE THIRD PILOT does the same.
PILOT #3
My name is Frank Abagnale Jr. Bud
smiles, grabs a piece of paper.
BUD COLLYE
R Panel, listen to this one.
(he starts to read)
My name is Frank Abagnale Jr, and
some people consider me the worlds
greatest imposter.
NOTE Page 1 FUN AND INTERESTING GAME. AKA Provocative
As Bud reads, the CAMERA SLOWLY PANS the faces of the three
PILOTS.
BUD COLLYER
((READING) From 1964 to 1966 I
successfully impersonated an
airline pilot for Pan Am Airlines,
and flew over two million miles for
free. During that time I was also
the Chief Resident Pediatrician at
a Georgia hospital, the Assistant
Attorney General for the state of
Louisiana, and a Professor of
American History at a prestigious
University in France. By the time I
was caught and sentenced to prison,
I had cashed over six million
dollars in fraudulent checks in 26
foreign countries and all fifty
states, and I did it all before my
18th birthday. To this day, I am
the only teenager ever to have been
placed on the FBI’ s most wanted
list.
My name is Abagnale Jr.
NOTE OUTRAGEOUS FRAUDSTER. WHO COULD GET AWAY WITH ALL THAT?
Warm applause as the THREE MEN walk behind a desk that faces
the pa They all sit down at exactly the same time.
BUD COLLY
Okay, panel, you have work cut out
for you. Kitty Carl , you have the
first question.
Imposter number one, how many years
were you in prison?
PILOT #1
I served two years in France, and
five years in Atlanta, Georgia.
KITTY CARLISLE
Imposter number two, I find all
this very fascinating. Who was it
that finally caught you?
3.
SLOWLY PUSH IN ON THE PILOT IN THE MIDDLE — A thin smile
across his lips as he faces the panel — his manicured hands
out in front of him on the desk — his back straight in his
chair — his cap pulled slightly forward on his head — the
way pilots like to wear them.
NOTE TWIST ON PAGE 3 HE’S IN PRISON
PRISON. – MARSEILLE – NIGHT 2 SUPER: MARSEILLE, FRANCE
DECEMBER 25, 196 2 EXT. – PAPIGONE MAXIMUM SECURITY 7
A heavy rain falls on JOE SHAPE, 40’s, who wears a black hat
and holds a black umbrella as he bangs on the window of a
small GUARDHOUSE in front of a LARGE GATED PRISON. Joe is
sneezing as he holds up an IDENTIFICATION CARD TO THE GUARD.
JOE SHAPE Joe Shaye, FBI.
3 INT. – PAPIGONE PRISON WARDEN’S OFFICE. – DAY 3
Joe is walking down a long corridor inside the prison,
struggling to close his umbrella as he faces WARDEN GARREN
and TWO GUARDS.
JOE SHAPE
I have orders see a prisoner named
Abagnale, t e his statement and
solicit so I can prepare for
tomorrow’ tladition.
Joe takes a roll of CASH out of h` ocket, casually slips the
money to the Warden.
JOE SHAPE
If I give you another twenty, will
you turn up the heat in here?
4 INT. – PAPIGONE PRISON – FRANK’S CELL/CORRIDOR. – DAY 4
Warden Garren is leading Joe down a small, isolated corridor
just off the main floor. They pass CEMENT DOORS with metal
SLIDE HOLES and numbers taped to the front. There are no bars
or windows in this area, and complete silence. Garren stops
at the last cell and opens the SLIDE HOLE.
Don’t pass him anything through the
HOLE-
(MORE)
4.
Garren walks off, and Joe immediately starts to smile,
looking around for a long BEAT as he stares at the cell door.
page 3
JOE SHAYE
Yoohoo. Hello? Is the lady of the
house at home?
Joe tries to control his excitement as he kneels down and
looks through the metal slide hole.
THROUGH THE HOLE 5 INT. – PAPIGONE PRISON – FRANK’S CELL. –
NIGHT 5
WE SEE FRANK ABAGNALE JR., his face partially hidden in the
dim cell, which gets its only light from a hanging bulb.
Frank is lying on the cement floor, his back up against the
far wall. He wears only a pair of underwear and clutches a
torn blanket.
JOE SHAYE
Jesus, Frank, you look terrible. I
heard about French prisons, but
this is positively barbaric.
WE HEAR a sound come fr)dthe cell, and then heavy coughing.
JO,E YE (cont ‘ d)
That doesn’ t o d(rr4ood. I have a
little cold my Help me.
JOE SHAYE
Help you? Yes, I’ll help you,
Frank. N Why do you think I’ve been
fighting to have you extradited.
Why do you think I came to take you
home? Do you know that 21 other
countries want’you in their
prisons? I saw the list — Egypt
was on there. Who the hell goes to
Egypt to write bad checks?
FRANK
I’m sick… please…
JOE SHAYE
Don’t worry, Frank, you just have
to make it through one more night.
BUD COLLYER (CONT’D)
5.
And then tomorrow I’ll help you
onto a plane, clean you up, and put
you in a cell for the next twentyfive
years.
INSIDE THE CELL CLOSE ON FRANK ABAGNALE JR.
His face covered by a beard and matted black hair. Frank
closes his eyes and starts to cough.
FRANK
Help me, please. I can’t breathe…
OUTSIDE THE CELL
Joe listens to Frank, who is coughing so hard he starts to
choke.
FRANK
(CONT’D) Can’t… breathe…
JOE SHAYE
Don’t start this shit, Frank.
FRANK
Can’t …Can’t
Joe looks through the slot i e11 door, but can only see faint
images of Frank rol the floor holding his THROATJOE
SHAYE (cont’d)
Frank, what’s happening? Damn it,
just calm down! Somebody help me!!
SMASH CUT 6 INT. – PAPIGONE PRISON – FRANK’S CELL/CORRIDOR. 6
Frank is being dragged across the floor by Warden Garren and
a second GUARD, each holding an arm as they drag Frank’s
emaciated six-foot frame through the halls. Joe Shaye jogs
behind the guards.
JOE SHAYE
He’s not breathing. I think he
stopped breathing!
7 INT. – PAPIGONE PRISON INFIRMARY. – DAY 7
6.
A small, empty room with four empty hospital beds. Frank is
lifted onto one of the beds, his legs and arms flailing out
to the sides, kicking a thin curtain out from the wall.
JOE SHAYE
What’s happening to him?
Garren and the Guard quickly move toward a sink, where they
start to wash their hands.
JOE SHAYE
What are you doing?
ASSISTANT WARDEN GARREN
Washing off the lice.
JOE SHAYEHe
can’t breath. You have to call a
doctor.
STANT WARDEN GARREN
The doctor p fnl’sf in the morning.
You can’t just t him die. I have
orders from the Embassy! This man
is going t tradited to the United
State am holding you responsible if
ant happens!
Suddenly Garren looks past Shaye — eyeing the curtain that
partially encloses Frank’s bed. Garren slowly moves toward
the curtain, pushes it open. FRANK IS GONE CLOSE ON GARREN
drawing his gun and sprinting out the open door of the
infirmary, yelling in French for the Guard to follow. Joe
Shaye stands motionless, staring down in horro r at the empty
bed.
JOE SHAYE
, shit.. .Frank!
Note by page 6 we learn just how slippy dippy the protagonist <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>is, and that an investigator is supposed to extradite him. We <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>know what the story is about- also from the title.
8 INT. – PRISON. – CONTINUOUS 8
The prison ALARM has sent every prisoner to the front of
their cells, where they see Frank stumbling through the
prison –a thin smile on his lips as he tries to move his
starved legs toward the main door. As Frank makes his way
past a row of cheering prisoners, he trips and falls, his
body too weak to run as he starts to crawl across the prison
floor. Joe and Garren easily catch up to him, Garren quickly
kneeling down and holding his gun against Frank’s head —
cocking the weapon. Frank stops crawling, rolls over on his
back and smiles up at Joe Shaye.
(MORE)
7.
FRANK
Okay, Joe…let’s go home.
9 INT. – NEW ROCHELLE ROTARY CLUB. – BANQUET ROOM. – NIGHT 9
SUPER: NEW ROCHELLE. NEW JERSEY 1964
A smoke filled oak dining room packed with CLUB MEMBERS —
HUNDREDS OF MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN wearing black suits and
holding long cigars as they drink from brandy glasses. FRANK
ABAGNALE, 15, a BUCKLEY PRIVATE SCHOOL BLUE BLAZER AND WHITE
PANT with his mother, PAULA, 33, at a center table near
themes Paula is a stunning blonde dressed in diamonds and and
since she’s the only woman in the room — she’s getti t of
attention.
CLUB PRESIDENT JACK WRIGHT ta kes rophone at the front of the
stage.
JACK WRIGHT The New Rochelle Rotary
Club has a history that goes back
to 1859. In all those years, we
have only inducted a handful of
deserving men as lifetime members,
an honor that has seen 187 names
enshrined on the wall of honor.
Tonight, we make it 188. So please
stand, as I present my good friend,
Frank William Abagnale.
Applause all around as FRANK ABAGNALE SR. steps up to the
MICROPHONE. He is handsome and impeccable groomed — wearing
a black suit and holding onto his plaque with two hands.
Two little mice fell in a bucket of
cream. The first mouse quickly gave
up and drowned, but the second
mouse wouldn’t quit. He struggled
so hard, into butter — and crawled
out. Gentleman, as of this moment,
I am that second mouse.
Laughter from the men in the room as Frank continues.
FRANK SR. (cont’d)
I stand here today humbled by the
presence of Mayor Allen, and our
club President, Jack Wright. But
most of all, I am honored to see my
loving wife, Paula, and my son,
Frank Jr., sitting in the frontrow.
I’m just a business man, a
working stiff — but tonight you
have made me royalty.
STANT WARDEN GARREN (CONT’D)
(MORE)
8.
And for this, I am eternally
grateful.
The men applaud as Frank Sr. smiles down at his wife and son,
giving them a wink as he raises the plaque in the air.
10 EXT. – FRANK’S HOUSE. -/W ROCHELLE. – DAY 10
A tree lined, picture ce of suburbia, with large homes
splashed with snow, Ca n the driveways and kids sledding in
the street.
11 EXT. – FRANK’S HOUSE CHRISTMA4ER2MF , – DAY 11
DEAN MARTIN is singing EVERYBOD SOMEBODY on the radio, as
Frank Sr. hammers his PLAQUE i the wall. in the middle of the
DEN, Frank is dancing with his mother, who is holding a glass
of wine as she dances.
PAULA
You’re a better dancer than your
father, Frankie. The girls don’t
know what they’re in for.
FRANK SR.
Paula, show him the dance you were
doing when we met. Who can
remember?
FRANK SR.
The people in that little French
Village were so happy to see
Americans, that they decided to put
on a show for us.
I know the story, Dad.
FRANK SR.
So they cram two hundred soldiers
into this tiny social hall, and the
first person to walk on stage is
your mother. And she starts to
dance… Paula steps away from
Frank, and she starts to dance a
ballet, smiling as she tries to
remember the steps.
FRANK SR.
STANT WARDEN GARREN (CONT’D)
(MORE)
9.
It had been months since we had
even seen a woman, and here’s this
blonde angel on stage — and the
men are literally holding their
breath. And I turned to my buddies,
and I said..
FRANK (imitating his father)
I will not lea France without her.
Paula spins around, accide1 49, ILLS HER GLASS OF WINE —
PAULA
Oh, shit, the rug! I b relieve I
did that. Frankie, run /get a
towel…
As Frank runs off, Paula drops to her knees and scrubs the
stain with the hem of her dress.
PAULA (CONT’D)
This will never come out.
She looks up at her husband.
Whenever I dance for you, I get in
trouble.
12 INT. – FRANK’S HOUSE. – MORNING 12
Frank is asleep in his bedroom. His father walks in carrying
a plate of scrambled eggs.
FRANK SR.
Wake up, Frank… it’s eightthirty.
Frank opens his eyes,
stares at his father.
FRANK
I overslept. Mom’s gonna kill me.
FRANK SR.
school today.
FRANK
Is it snowing?
FRANK SR.
STANT WARDEN GARREN (CONT’D)
10.
Do you own a black suit? FRANK A
black suit? Why?
FRANK SR. We have a vermportant
meeting in the city.
13 EXT. – MEN’S SHOP. – 13 THE WHITE CADILLAC
is park ont of A MEN’S CLOTHING STORE — Frank Sr. banging o
tme lass door, trying to get someone’s attention. ply( l
FRANK SR.
Ma’am, open the door. Just open up,
please, it’s important.
THE DOOR OPENS A CRACK AND DARCY, 40’s, low cut blouse, a
bagel in her hand, stares at Frank Sr.
DARCY
we don’t open for half an hour.
FRANK SR.
What’s your name, ma’am? DARCY
Darcy.
FRANK SR.
Darcy, that’s a pretty name. I’m in
a bit of fix — I need a suit for
my kid. This is my son, Frank, he
needs a black suit. There was a
death in the family, my father,
eighty-five years old, a war hero,
there’s a funeral this afternoon —
a military funeral — planes flying
overhead, gun salute. Frank needs
to borrow a suit for a couple of
hours.
NOTE And on page ten we know where Frank Jr learned his tricks
-
June Fortunato’s Hi! I’ve put together, finally, the ending of my script, so this is an edited update in case you want to read my scenes. Thank you Michael, Dev, Anita for your great notes.
What I learned I don’t have the last scenes/resolution written. I have 103 pages. I intend to finish my screenplay during this exchange period. Like Cameron I decided to submit my synopsis, breakdown. Good idea, Cameron. Going through my timeline in this way helps. I don’t have everything buttoned down and want to emulate ‘Green Book’ which shows payoff after payoff. I have much to do.
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Two protagonists. Romance. Roy’s girl, Nurse Suzy, moved out and Roy, 67, veteran, needs a more permanent retirement plan. He tries jail, but the food sucks, so he aims to land in Nurse Suzy’s hospital ward, which has better conditions. He goads an inmate in jail to beat him and nearly dies. (Inciting incident, Roy)
Kim, 60s, artist, who was kicked out of her own house, returns to claim her right and is thrown down a staircase by her sister in law, Ingrid. (Inciting incident, Kim) and lands in the same hospital ward as Roy. Suzy wants to help Roy get his own life and contacts a lawyer who’s anxious to date Suzy. They learn that Roy declared himself dead, and to get his benefits, must bring him back to a ‘live’ status.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
The meet cute When Roy and Kim meet, they’re smitten with each other. Roy helps Kim to escape her brother’s plot to institutionalize her. (Opponents plot) When Kim escapes, she helps a woman, Marilyn, in a boutique, and ‘borrows’ Marilyn’s car. Marilyn, frail, gets home late and her dogs mow her down. She breaks her hips and ends in Suzy’s hospital ward. (Inciting incident, Marilyn) Marilyn is desperate for someone to take care of her dogs, and solicits Suzy to check in on them. Suzy wants to hook Roy up with the dogs which is also a place to stay.
3. CRISIS — The decision point. In court, Roy is ordered to find a permanent residence in 6 weeks or be assigned a financial guardian. His benefits are established, and the back-payments pay his debts. (Clock ticking. Roy has lost his battle to reject being a citizen- aka, not be ‘dead’) Kim squats in a theatre and uses the office to copy papers and mail letters. (Protagonist fight back against the opponents)
Brian and Ingrid (opponents move) stole Kim’s identity and money, and now forge Kim’s signature to steal her half of the house. Ingrid will enlist her lover and Brian’s coworker, Oren, to falsely notarize their revised house deed and take Kim’s name off of the house. Roy and Kim meet up again while squatting at the Bellevue. They hang out together, and take a trip to Atlantic City. Kim inadvertently triggers a PTSD attack in Roy, and they split. (Crisis) They individually make their ways back to Philly. Suzy, dating the lawyer and still pet sitting for Marilyn, is anxious to get Roy to take over the pet sitting. When Suzy sees Roy, she presses him to help her. He declines.
3. CRISIS #2 — The decision point. Roy tries to get an apartment, as per court order, and is rejected. He spots a film crew and pretends he has a gig to work with them. The work doesn’t trigger his PTSD. That’s a surprise. It’s because of Kim.
Roy still needs a place to live and doesn’t have Kim. His body is broken. Kim hijacks her brother, Brian, (opponent) in her car (which he stole) and takes him on a harrowing ride to threaten him to straighten up. He digs in with his efforts to ruin Kim. (down ending)
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Act Three Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy about Roy. Marilyn recognizes Kim and presses her to pet sit. Kim learns that Marilyn’s woes are her fault. Kim can’t bear herself. She’s guilted into pet sitting. Suzy will show her the ropes. While she’s pet sitting, Roy learns where Kim is and goes to Marilyn’s to find Kim. They hook up.
Kim finds Roy’s medal and he risks PTSD to tell her why they gave it to him. Kim meets the lawyer, Denny. Meanwhile, Kim’s letters, aka whistleblowing, have reached the bank and Federal authorities, Brian and Ingrid’s co-conspirator, Oren, is caught and tells all about Brian and Ingrid. Kim and Roy sneak Marilyn’s dogs into the hospital to visit her. Marilyn meets Roy, finally. Kim confesses about Marilyn’s car. Marilyn isn’t buying it, but Kim leaves Roy with Marilyn and the dogs and escapes. Kim asks Suzy for (divulged later) the lawyer’s contact info. Roy, alone in Marilyn’s house with the dogs, hates being without Kim. He asks Suzy if she knows where Kim is.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Unwritten.
Denny finds the flaws in the deed and makes calls. (Denny- lawyer’s office) Kim’s identity was stolen, too. Her bank accounts drained by Ingrid. Lawyer speaks with the men who are investigating Oren. Oren calls Ingrid to warn her. Ingrid packs a suitcase. Feds have Brian and Ingrid’s assets seized as well as Oren’s. Marilyn gets better and will eventually return home, but can’t have the big dogs anymore. Brian, at the office, is called in for questioning. (at the bank) Agents stop Ingrid as she’s about to slip into an Uber. (cottage) Roy catches up with Kim. Kim asks Roy to come into her house, to live with him. And to have and to hold.
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Time passes. Roy is grilling. Kim’s garden blooms. Outdoor table set, festive. Suzy and Denny come to dinner carrying food. Marilyn, in a wheelchair, is there. The dogs run wild. Kim brings a wine and chocolates to the table.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie.
Kim– do you think you can put up with me?
Roy. Are you going to keep running away?
Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
Possible ending song: “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” You’re the cream in my coffee, You’re the salt in my stew, You will always be my necessity, I’d be lost without you.” 1928.
THE LAST TEN PAGES OF RETIREMENT- ROUGH, BUT HERE THEY ARE.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT
Roy and Kim lie on the living room floor in their skivvies, teasing the dogs-who apparently have long since warmed up to Roy. Kim steals glances at scars on Roy’s back.
ROY You hungry? I’m hungry.
KIM Starving!
Roy pulls on his pants.
ROY I’ll buy something.
KIM Suzy said to use what’s here. Marilyn’s afraid it’ll go to waste.
ROY Dang. This place gets better and better.
Kim tosses a toy pillow at him and Woofie runs for it. Giggles.
KIM Atta boy!
ROY I am an EX Perto at Huevos rancheros.
KIM I’m in!
ROY SpI CEE.
He roars. Kim laughs.
KIM Fry me!
ROY Now you’re talking my lingo.
Roy goes into the kitchen and sings the 1963 classic by the Chiffons,
“He’s so fine.”
ROY (O.S.)
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) (Do-lang-do-lang) She’s so fine (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Hope she is mine.(Do-lang-dolang- do-lang)
Kim tosses the pillow again and it hits Roy’s backpack.
That pretty girl over there. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) The one with the sexy brown hair. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim crawls to his backpack and peeks in.
I don’t know how I’m gonna do it (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) But I’m really gonna try (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim can’t help herself. She slides her hand into the backpack and comes up with Roy’s war medal.
To keep her warm and happy, (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) and keep her by my side. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Gotta be mine. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Sooner or later. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) I hope it’s not later.(Do-langdo- lang-do-lang)
Roy comes bouncing backwards out of the kitchen with plates full of eggs, covered in hot sauce.
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
And sees her questioning look. Then he sees his medal. He sets the eggs onto a coffee table and approaches her.
KIM It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.
She turns to put it back. He gets to her.
I suck.
He gently takes the medal from her.
Roy?
ROY This is what they give you when half the people die.
Pause.
KIM Don’t… You don’t have to tell me.
ROY I want you to know me.
Pause.
My buddy, Joe, was there. I could do anything with Joe. We were wild ass.
Pause. The air was wet… dripping. We couldn’t get a breath. We knew they were there – Deadly quiet. Too quiet. Too. Still. They were there. Where? You get that – those other senses. Shaking. All of us. So Joe and I, we looked at each other. Then I hightailed it to an open area yelling. Lookie here! Look you motherfuckers! Shoot, muthafuckers! Joe, my
brother, right behind me. We got blasted and our unit nailed them. All of them. So they tell me. Like dead ants drowned in poison.
KIM But…
ROY Joe wasn’t hurt too bad. That time. He dragged me back. Called Med E-VAC. I was treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL chemicals. But that little EX PIER EE ENCE lit his fire. So we went back.
KIM Where’s he now?
Silence.
Then Ludwig bolts to the door, Woofie close behind – desperate to get out. The two push against the door. Kim looks back toward the coffee table.
So, how spicy were the eggs?
Roy spots the empty egg plates.
ROY Hershey squirts spicy.
Kim pulls on clothes and they hustle the boys out the door.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Suzy and Denny cross the street toward the house when Woofie, Ludwig, Roy and Kim barrel out.
SUZY Roy?
ROY Suzy Q!
SUZY Everything all right?
ROY Midnight rock n roll.
KIM We’re perfect.
ROY Kim meet Denny.
As they zoom by.
He’s my lawyer.
SUZY Roy! You’ve got to meet Marilyn.
ROY He’s HER lawyer.
SUZY In the MORNING.
KIM Nice to meet you, Denny, Mr. Lawyer.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – DAWN Roy and Kim are on the living room floor on bed linens. The dogs sleep on the couch. Roy, drenched in sweat, shakes with a nightmare.
KIM Roy? Roy. Wake up. Roy.
Roy wakes in a panic. Then he sees Kim. She strokes his face.
KIM It was Joe, wasn’t it? With the chocolates. And the little girl.
ROY Yes. She took my brother. One wake up left and we could join the world.
KIM And the other little girl? The second bomber?
ROY She was wired. Who wires children What kind of fuck? She was shaking. That little girl. And I shot her. I shot a child. She exploded – flesh – everywhere- all over my brother.
Roy cries. Long Pause.
I shot a child! I’ll never forgive myself.
KIM I’m here.
ROY Such a hero, they said. Here’s a medal, they said. For what? For what?
KIM I’ve got you. I’ve got you.
She holds and rocks him.
LONG WHITE DISSOLVE TO DAYLIGHT
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – BRIGHT MORNING Kim, a lookout, enters through the stairwell. Nobody’s at the nurse’s station.
KIM (whispers) OK!
Roy, Woofie and Ludwig sneak in and the four zip into Marilyn’s room. Tara leans her head out of a patient’s door puzzled, having just missed the gang.
INT. BANK – CFO’S OFFICE – MORNING CFO holds Kim’s documents, her manilla envelope below them. Oren, flanked by two suits stands in front of the desk, sweating bullets.
CFO Who else is involved?
And the door is closed.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – MORNING -CONTINUOUS Marilyn, frail, sits in a chair.
MARILYN My boys! Oh, oh I missed you. Woofie, be gentle.
The dogs rush to her, Kim closes the door and signals to be quiet. The dogs lick her, leap and twirl. She points to the side of the chair.
Side!
ROY Mama’s boys!
MARILYN Oh, goodness! Oh. Thank you! Oh, I don’t know how to thank you. Ludwig, come.
She studies his muzzle.
Are you grayer?
KIM This is Roy.
MARILYN Ah! Now, I understand.
Marilyn looks between Kim and Roy.
You’re the man Suzy is so fond of.
Kim giggles.
ROY I do love dogs.
MARILYN And my lovely friend. How did you do last night?
KIM Wonderful. You have a gorgeous home. I played your piano.
MARILYN I taught piano.
Kim is suddenly overwhelmed. Quietly.
KIM You did?
Pause.
MARILYN Yes. And I played for the orchestra.
Kim is stunned. Long pause.
ROY It would appear that they like eggs.
KIM It’s all my fault.
MARILYN What?
ROY Kim?
MARILYN What’s wrong, dear?
KIM I did something terrible. I didn’t think. It’s all my fault.
MARILYN What did you do?
KIM I caused your accident.
Roy studies Kim.
MARILYN Oh, silly. Woofie knocked me down.
KIM I took your car. I brought it back. But that’s why they couldn’t find it.
Kim heads for the door.
KIM I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You have Roy, now. He’s a good man. He’ll take care of them.
ROY Kim. Don’t leave.
KIM Everybody just… give up on me.
Kim rushes out the door. Roy jumps up and follows her but the dogs whine and Roy turns to shush them. And then Kim has vanished.
INT. BANK – CFO’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Oren, with investigators watching, makes a phone call.
INT. COTTAGE – EARLY AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Ingrid’s cell phone rings. She listens.
INGRID Fuck.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – MORNING Kim on a bench, stares at the sky. She sits there for a long time. Finally she starts to mutter. Her voice gets louder with each phrase.
KIM I will not give up on myself. I am strong. I will right the wrongs. I believe. I will win.
Kim rises.
I deserve justice. I deserve a good life.
INT. BANK – BRIAN’S OFFICE – EARLY AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Brian sits behind his desk. Agents, Oren following, enter and close Brian’s door.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – EARLY AFTERNOON Kim stands in front of Suzy, who’s on the phone. Tara pretends to work and listens.
SUZY OK if I send her over?
Suzy gives Kim a thumbs up.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – EARLY AFTERNOON Roy browses a bookshelf and pulls out The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. He sits, opens the book and can’t concentrate. He looks around. The empty piano. Everything still. Quiet. The dogs curl up next to him. To Woofie.
ROY Ain’t this a kick in the head?
INT. COTTAGE – AFTERNOON – SOON AFTER Ingrid drags a large suitcase and rushes to the exit.
INT. DENNY’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON Denny reads Kim’s documents as she watches with trepidation.
DENNY Do you have time now to record a deposition?
KIM It’s good?
Denny pauses.
DENNY Kim, you’ve unearthed the mother load.
INT. BANK – BRIAN’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON Brian, holds a handful of items from his office as security guards and federal agents escort him and Oren out.
FBI AGENT 1 Your assets are frozen. You’re under arrest for grand larceny…
CFO And a truckload of other crimes. And we WILL recover every dime you embezzled from this bank. Count on it. Now get out of my sight.
BRIAN I’m innocent until proven guilty.
The CFO waves Kim’s papers at Brian.
CFO Out. Both of you.
EXT. COTTAGE – AFTERNOON Ingrid rushes to catch her Uber and police cars pull into the driveway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – AFTERNOON Tara takes Marilyn’s vitals.
TARA You’re doing so much better today!
MARILYN Roy’s a lovely man!
TARA Um hum.
MARILYN Woofie and Ludwig have taken to him.
TARA Huh.
MARILYN Can you keep a secret?
TARA Don’t tell me. But next time, have Roy take you outside in a chair when they visit.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – EARLY EVENING – RUSH HOUR Roy searches past people leaving work, eating at cafes, shopping, walking dogs.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS Roy checks out hallways and stairwells.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – EARLY EVENING – CONTINUOUS Roy, slower and slower, searches the park, and near LaCroix is jolted by a sudden, sharp pain. He looks down. Blood drips onto his shoes. He slides to his butt. And people step over him, like so much trash.
LONG DISSOLVE <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT Roy limps and gingerly takes the boys for a walk.
ROY Slow. I didn’t forget you.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – MORNING Marilyn is in a wheelchair, and Kim prepares to push her.
MARILYN Will he come? Will he bring my boys?
KIM If he doesn’t, at least you’ll feel the sun on your face.
MARILYN But why didn’t you come together?
KIM Marilyn, I owe it to you. I’m trying to be better. I’m trying. But I understand if.. I’m… Unforgivable. Pause.
MARILYN I forgive you. Pause. Dear. We do careless things, we humans. Pause.
KIM I’ve never been forgiven before.
MARILYN Next time, it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Suzy pops her head into the room.
SUZY Roy called. Oh, hi Kim. You’re not with Roy? (pause) Marilyn, he can’t manage coming right now. But the dogs are fine, walked and fed. Pause. To Kim.
MARILYN Well? What’re you waiting for?
KIM Absolutely nothing.
Kim heads out.
SUZY Doctor will be in to see you.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – MORNING Roy, crumpled, rests on Marilyn’s steps with the dogs. Kim approaches and Woofie barks.
KIM This is your lucky day.
ROY (barely a whisper) Sugar!
She helps Roy up and they open the door.
KIM Marilyn says we can stay in her crib and use her address for mail.
ROY FANTASTICO.
KIM But there’s a condition.
ROY De rigueur. What?
KIM As long as we’re together.
Pause. He studies Kim.
ROY Then I’d better buy track shoes.
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – DAY Ingrid’s voice carries through the cellblock. Brian and Oren are in the holding cell with two guys suffering withdrawal.
INGRID (O.S.) You’re worthless. You’re a loser.
BRIAN Officer, please shut her up.
INGRID (O.S.) As soon as I get out of here, I’m filing for divorce.
A police officer walks past Brian and Oren’s cell toward the voice.
POLICE (O.S.) Can it.
ON BLACK SCREEN <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ONE YEAR LATER <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FADE IN:
EXT. KIM & ROY’S HOUSE – AFTERNOON Roy grills. Kim’s garden is in full bloom. An outdoor table is set for six. The yard is festive. Ludwig and Woofie beg for treats. Denny carries food and Suzy guides Marilyn who uses a walker. The dogs see her and are ecstatic.
ROY Down. Calm! What’s crackin?
Tara appears.
TARA You crazy fools! Congratulations!
KIM Welcome to our house.
SUZY It’s about time you did the deed.
Denny shakes Roy’s hand. Gives Kim a hug.
MARILYN I wouldn’t miss it for all the world. Thank you for keeping my babies happy.
SUZY But that’s rude that you eloped! I mean, come-on!
KIM Finally.
Kim sets wine and a small wedding cake on the table.
KIM Have a seat. Let me get you some wine.
Roy helps. Kim pulls Roy aside and holds him.
KIM So, do you think you can put up with me?
ROY Are you going to keep running away?
KIM Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
MUSIC UP. You’re the cream in my coffee, You’re the salt in my stew, You will always be my necessity, I’d be lost without you.” “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” 1928
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June Fortunato’s Amazing Final Line for Retirement. Day 8 endings
What I learned: Nice opportunity to write the line. Not going to write the scene until I get there. However, it will include all three responses.
A. Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about. Will Roy find his easy retirement and home?
Kim- You look pretty comfortable. Roy- That’s because, Sugar, Sugar, I’m home.
B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.
Kim- do you think you can put up with me. Roy – Are you going to keep running away? Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow me.
C. Solve the puzzle. (major twist final image)
Roy grills, Kim works on the garden, and the dogs run into the frame.
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June Fortunato’s (ideas for) final page. Day 7 of endings
What I learned. I tried again. I gave writing out of order another shot. This NEVER works. It becomes an exercise in how to write, in one page, the most contrived hogwash possible. I will not post it. It’s digitally obliterated.
The payoffs for my script will happen over a series of pages and scenes- not all lumped up into one wrap it up page which is exactly what this assignment requires- despite the lesson stating to avoid it.
Below are the lists and ideas I had while reviewing this lesson. As I write the final pages, I’ll take them into account.
A. The Setup / Payoff final page.
Opening set up: Roy is left out in the cold in the first page. He’s silly and romantic and a goofball. Payoff is that he is asked to enter and stay.
Other payoffs: Roy gets his girl. Kim gets her house. Marilyn gets to go home. The dogs get to stay with Roy and Kim. Brian in custody. Ingrid also. Suzy and Denny are together.
B. The Contrast final page. Roy accepts Kim’s proposal of forever. He’s never been more serious in his life. Also, he was anxious on the first page. On the last, calm and right.
In one scene:
Kim is ushered into a limo by her brother and Ingrid. She will be taken to Belmont. When police show up and block the car. Detectives, ask them to get out of the car. Roy is with them, as are Denny and Suzy. And Oren, who’s turned coat. The ones getting restrained are not Kim but the opponents.
C. The Climax/Resolution final page.
Kim and Roy don’t have to run anymore, except going for a run with the dogs. Kim is quite the new-age artist. She grows things, she cans things, she makes things, she plays music. They have salons.
Climax/resolution
Same as contrast final page.
D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.
The good is – that Brian sees the light about Ingrid, and the blowout is that he admits his extreme resentment that Kim and Mom were so close, and that he was left out. Kim says she knew that, and that’s why she allowed him to have his space, but enough is enough. And he says, (payoff) I’m an idiot.
E. The “One last gesture” final page. Ingrid declares that she’s filed for divorce papers. Brian has changed the deed. Now it has Kim’s name on it.
F. The Shock final page Kim is rich? Roy isn’t Roy? Brian was institutionalized as a kid?
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June Fortunato’s RULES Day 6 of endings for Retirement
What I learned: Excellent advice to be aware of as I write my third act. I’d thought it should be payback after payback, but this is more complex, and helpful.
RULE 5. Don’t go On-The-Nose.
Third act isn’t fully written. I’ve combed through my script twice in the last two days- rearranged scenes, wrote short interstitials. But after looking at this assignment once again, I decided to write my third act. We haven’t written scenes for a week-and I don’t know if anyone else has a complete draft- but I’m on page 103, and still trying to get the best possible bang for my pages. Having revised several times, I edited out anything that smacks of on-the-nose- mostly in Roy’s emotional telling of how he got his war medal.
RULE 6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
Retirement is about finding home, defining home.
I considered the hospital, which occupies much of the screenplay, but that isn’t right.
I considered Marilyn’s home but I will twist expectations and Roy and Kim will not land there.
It has to be Kim’s home. I considered the rooftop, and am still considering it.
RULE 7. Must keep us guessing to the very end.
I am setting up how Kim will win her house and her inheritance, and what exactly will happen to her brother and Ingrid. How Roy will win Kim’s heart permanently. What will happen to the dogs and to Marilyn.
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June Fortunato’s Powerful Setups. Day 5 of endings for Retirement
What I learned: My ending is not written, although I plan on the ultimate confrontation, upbeat, I’m not sure how it will happen and won’t find it until I write the scenes. I’m torn about the location for the final confrontation. I did comb through my screenplay, straighten out my timeline, and insert a couple of scenes for attack, and counter attack. Now I want to write my last 15 pages.
MEANING Theme: what is home?
A. BUILD THEIR REPUTATION Brian, willing to do anything for Ingrid. Ingrid, dirty and self centered.
Kim, willing to act crazy – outrageous- to scare them. Also smart and deceptive. Roy, also crazyass, but tender and wounded. Protective to a fault.
B. JUSTIFICATION FOR THE FINAL ACTIONS
Roy sees hope for the first time in 50 years with Kim. Roy feels like he wants to be alive for the first time since the war. Roy will do anything to win Kim permanently- risk his life- she’s the first one since he lost his buddy that he would die for. Kim has been tortured and squashed and robbed.
Brian has justification because he’s so afraid he’ll lose Ingrid. Ingrid will stop at nothing- will forge not only Kim’s signature but Brian’s. She’ll also rat Oren as an ally and obstruction of justice. She must have some “ooo la la”
C. CAST DOUBT ABOUT THE SUCCESS OF THE FINAL ACTIONS
Brian has beaten Kim down so many times. And she usually rolls over. She’s ineffectual. And fearful. What holds her back? The hope that her brother will come to his senses. Roy walks on the edge of breakdown. Roy doesn’t know if he wants to get back into life. Roy is willing to walk off the face of the earth.
D. DISCUSS THE FINAL ACTIONS OPENLY
Early in the script, Kim tells Roy that she has proof of Brian and Ingrid’s embezzlement, theft, forgery and obstruction of justice. She’s copied and mailed proof to the Department of Justice, the Bank, and local detectives. She tells Roy about it.
A plan that goes wrong. Brian and Ingrid discuss the plan with Oren. Oren gets shaky feet. Ingrid threatens to drop him if he doesn’t spine up.
Roy introduces Kim to Denny.
Ingrid wants to file for a restraining order. Brian insists that he can’t do that because Kim has to sign the deed first.
E. TWISTS THAT TAKE IT AWAY
What about Marilyn? Marilyn’s daughter will return to take care of the house and dogs when Marilyn is moved to the hospice. But she does not want the dogs.
Ingrid evidently already forged Kim’s signature so there’s a question about the deed. And, she also put the house solely in her name.
F. ALTERNATE HOPE/FEAR
Kim mails letters. CEO seen opening one of the letters as Brian walks by. Department of Justice- fraud section. Opens letters. Denny joins and expedites the legal process.
Fear Brian and Ingrid testify that Kim should be locked up, and Oren backs them up. Roy might melt down. Marilyn moved to hospice- and living situation might evaporate before this takes place.
G. CREATE AND PAY OFF EMOTIONAL SETUPS Kim fears rejection by Marilyn who forgives her. Roy has a meltdown, so the next time, he could be triggered, but he is not. Roy is rejected for an apartment and so getting a permanent home is payoff. Roy gives up on a bank account when he runs into Brian, but now he gets a bank account.
H. SUSPENSE AROUND THE OUTCOME Brian and Ingrid are in the process of winning and will Kim and Roy stop them in time?
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June Fortunato’s Kick Ass Endings for Retirement Day 4
What I learned– I discovered a few things to incorporate as I finish my screenplay.
1. The Ultimate Confrontation
Earlier, Kim reported her demon brother, Brian, and his satanic wife, Ingrid, to the SEC, FCC and bank officials as embezzlers and identity thieves. Kim has slipped away from Roy once again, but this time, she goes to the cottage and catches them as they try to escape to South America. As they drag their suitcases to a waiting UBER, Roy, and law enforcement arrive and nab the two. Kim has proven that Brian and Ingrid forged her name, defamed her character, stole her inheritance- so she now has sole ownership of her home. Roy pleads that they need each other, gets onto one knee, and asks her to be his forever girl.
2. Return Home, Only it is Different
After the Ultimate Confrontation and time has passed. Furniture on the lawn, “FREE” – Inside the house, walls are removed, and the place is empty of the gilded items Brian and Ingrid owned. Kim and Roy renovate the house. One thing that’s already happened? The garden is in full bloom and Marilyn’s dogs, Woofie and Ludwig romp inside.
3. End with a Future
Kim plays piano at the little theatre, only this time, there’s a full and adoring audience. Roy, in the wings, tells everybody, “That’s my girl”
4. Major Layer Uncovered
Roy fell for a girl in VietNam, and she got pregnant. When Roy and his best friend have one day left- will leave the next day- Roy’s girl and another approach. Roy’s has left-over chocolate and tries to give it to his girl. She has a bomb wired to herself- she explodes, and takes him out. Then the other girl is pushed toward Roy’s buddy. She too, has a bomb attached. She’s about to explode the bomb, when Roy’s buddy takes cover and kills her. After that, Roy really is dead, and his buddy takes Roy’s name and identity, but informs authorities that he’s dead.
5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk
In the last scene, Roy is on top of Kim’s cottage. He has set up smoke bombs throughout the house. As Brian and Ingrid run from the smoke, Kim catches them in front with Denny, and Law enforcement- to take them away. Denny tells Kim the house is officially all yours. How did that happen? Roy gave me copies of your paperwork. Then Roy, on the roof shouts down, “I’m in love with you. Be mine!”
6. Great Protagonist Strategy
Kim has mailed proof that Brian is embezzling from the bank, that Brian and Ingrid have stolen Kim’s identity and taken her inheritance, have defamed her character. But it’s when Roy gets Denny involved that their fates are sealed. Brian and Ingrid will serve time and owe money to Kim. Kim has sole ownership of the house and invites Roy to be there forever with her. They also get Marilyn’s dogs.
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June Fortunato’s Three Endings for Retirement Day 3 of Great endings
What I learned– Most of my screenplay is written. It’s extremely difficult to change course and hard to determine what/where the crisis and the climax happen. Perhaps this takes more rumination. This would’ve been much easier when first outlining. Nonetheless, an alternative may develop as I finish my pages and I might choose a different ending as I go.
ROY goal- to have an easy retirement with someone. Need- to be vulnerable and face his demons
KIM goal– to take her power, stand up and confront and defeat her brother. Need- to believe that even if she accidentally hurts someone, that she will still be loved and accepted. aka her power overcome her fear, stand up and stay.
Structure of Up Ending:
1. Down at the beginning of the 3rd Act. 2. Twists and turns. 3. Climax concludes with Protagonist receiving both their goal and need.
Ending one- UP
Beginning of the third act Roy calms Kim when she has a melt down, he convinces her to go with him on an adventure. They have a brilliant day together in Atlantic City but then he has a melt down. Kim blames herself for it and runs. Roy’s goal is not met and his need goes awry. Kim’s goal is met but her need is not.
CRISIS Kim (goal is up) confronts her brother but because she caused Roy’s meltdown she stays away from him. (need is down) Roy (goal is down) to have an easy retirement- but to be vulnerable and face demons (need is up)
Twists Roy’s vulnerability with Kim helps him to cope in an explosive job. Kim misses Roy and looks for him. Roy rejects Suzy and decides to go for Kim. Kim is offered a pet sitting job and a place to stay- even though it’s Roy who needs that place most.
CLIMAX Roy opens up about his medal and events of the past. Kim admits to Marilyn that she borrowed her car and caused her great pain, but Marilyn forgives her. Roy helps Kim to use his lawyer and whistleblow on her embezzling and identity theft brother.
Ending Brian and his wife are hauled off to prison, Kim gets her house, Roy, too, plus Kim and dogs, and Kim learns to trust.
2
ROY goal– to have an easy retirement with someone. Need- to be vulnerable and face his demons
KIM goal- to take her power, stand up and confront and defeat her brother. Need- to believe that even if she accidentally hurts someone, that she will still be loved and accepted. aka her power, overcome her fear, stand up and stay.
Structure of Down ending
1. Up at the beginning of the 3rd Act. 2. Twists and turns. 3. Climax concludes with Protagonist losing both their goal and need.
Beginning of the third act
Roy calms Kim when she has a melt down, he convinces her to go with him on an adventure. She stays with him for it. They have a brilliant day together in Atlantic City. Roy’s goal is coming together. Roy’s needs not yet met. Kim’s goal not yet met. Kim’s need is met.
CRISIS Roy has a melt down. Kim runs.
Twist Roy confronts an event that would normally trigger him but he’s able to cope because of his experience with Kim. Kim is running but because she was with Roy, she confronts her brother. Roy is denied an apartment. Kim gets a place to live.
CLIMAX Kim’s brother has convinced his boss that Kim made up the proof that he’s embezzling and an identity thief. Roy begs Kim to run with him but she digs in and therefore loses everything.
Ending Kim’s brother has her declared insane and keeps everything he stole. Roy can’t get a place to live, and when Marilyn dies, Marilyn’s daughter takes the house. So he has no Kim, and no home.
3
ROY goal– to have an easy retirement with someone. Need- to be vulnerable and face his demons
KIM goal– to take her power, stand up and confront and defeat her brother. Need- to believe that even if she accidentally hurts someone, that she will still be loved and accepted. aka her power, overcome her fear, stand up and stay.
Structure of Ironic ending 1. At the beginning of the 3rd Act, the goal is looking good, the need is in danger. 2. Twists and turns. 3. Climax concludes with Protagonist receiving their need, but losing their goal
Beginning of the third act
Roy calms Kim when she has a melt down, he convinces her to go with him on an adventure. She stays with him for it. They have a brilliant day together in Atlantic City. Roy’s goal is met, but he has not become vulnerable. Kim’s has confronted her brother somewhat (he wasn’t there but she ripped up the garden) so her need is met. Her need, to overcome her fear of rejection, is not met. goal and need are met.
CRISIS Roy has a meltdown in Atlantic city. Kim runs away.
TWIST Kim confronts her brother but hasn’t yet won. Roy gets a job and it doesn’t trigger him. Roy chooses Kim over Suzy. Both Roy and Kim look for each other.
CLIMAX Kim asks about Roy’s medal and he opens up. Kim confronts her brother but is rejected.
ENDING Roy gets his first benefits check, but Kim has run and he has no-one.
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June Fortunato’s Third Act structure Day 2 of Great endings
What I learned– I’ve been thinking about how to end and payoff each of my setups, and this assignment helps. Thanks! for it.
1. What is it that fascinates you about this story? Protect yourself and you lose everything.
2. What is the main conflict of the story? Roy has to risk facing his terrors to win the love of his life, but capturing Kim is like capturing a cloud. Kim has to stop running, to defeat her brother and take what’s hers and trust again.
3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?
Roy wants an easy retirement to float along as he has done. But he can no longer do that. Instead, he wants the woman who has captured his heart- and to get her, he must face his past. What he gets is more wonderful, takes more courage, richer, deeper, than what he ever thought was possible. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kim wants what’s hers – to be fully in control and loved. But in order to do that, has to overcome herself -to stand up and stay. No more hit and runs. Her goal is to defeat her brother and take what’s hers.
4. What is the character arc of your main characters?
Roy’s character arc Roy plays on the edges- outside of society and outside of himself. He destroys his body and has to become a member of the world he loathes. Then he meets Kim- a woman who understands him. Roy has to face his horrors to gain her love- but she runs from him because she fears that she hurt him. He goes back to his old life, but it’s not as fearsome. Kim’s love has helped, and she can help him come back to life. In the end, he knows that he must confront the past, he must be vulnerable, and if Kim is there, Kim is home, Kim is true freedom, Kim is breath and life. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The one character trait to change: vulnerability is truth and truth is love.
Kim’s character arc
Kim is an ethereal, hit and run escape artist. A runner. An avoider. She escapes into the world of music, of her garden, of fantasy. She yells at a safe distance. She deeply fears rejection and others, schadenfreude, play into that. When she tries to confront her tendency and her brother, she’s thrown down the stairs and damaged. Her brother will stop at nothing. She has to take action. Roy’s influence, and his battle with his demons, teaches her courage. She learns that she will hurt people sometimes, but that she can make amends. She has to take her power and not everyone will love her. In the end, love gives her the courage she needs to deliver the blow to her brother, and take what is hers- and with Roy, far more than she thought she deserved. The one character trait to change: To have absolute, visible courage is to have power.
5. How do you want this movie to end? Both Roy and Kim will achieve their goals. The audience should walk out with a feeling of love and a glow.
Major plot twists:
PLOT POINT 2 Pages 68-69 Roy’s melt down in Atlantic City. Kim runs away.
CRISIS Page 77 Roy decides to pursue Kim and not Suzy Page 81 Kim kidnaps Brian for a joy ride and confronts him- Kim goes on the attack Roy can’t get an apartment Page 88 Roy overcomes a potential meltdown during the movie shoot due to Kim’s influence 92 Kim babysits Marilyn’s home, Roy finds her and Roy & Kim finally get together
CLIMAX 96 Kim discovers Roy’s medal and he opens up. (Not yet written) Kim admits that she ‘borrowed’ Marilyn’s car, and Marilyn forgives her. (Not written yet) Roy connects Kim to his lawyer, and they send damaging evidence to defeat her evil brother & wife. (Not yet written) Roy, Kim, Brian and Ingrid square off at the cottage- Brian and Kim try to escape and are carted off by police.
RESOLUTION (Not yet written) Roy and Kim get Kim’s house, and Marilyn’s dogs. Marilyn’s daughter comes home and takes care of Marilyn’s house.
FINAL PAGE (Not yet written) Roy and Kim visit Marilyn in hospice with the dogs and Suzy and Denny also visit.
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June Fortunato’s Great Ending
What I learned doing this assignment is I am amazed at how many payoffs happen in the last 30 minutes. Astonishing, satisfying and that’s what I have to do. Thanks for this great assignment.
MOVIE: Green Book, 2018
BASIC STORY UP TO THE 3RD ACT- the last 30 minutes.
Buddy story.
A working-class Italian-American bouncer becomes the driver of an African-American classical pianist on a tour of venues through the 1960s American South. 1962. Tony Vallelonga aka Lip, lives in the Bronx and barely makes a living for his wife and two kids. They have a large, extended and supportive Italian family. He and his family are racist except for his wife. Tony’s laid off for two months from a club where he’s a driver for the owner, and a bouncer. He’s nicknamed, “lip” because he’s known as someone who can talk anyone into something. Dr. Shirley, a genius and highly admired musician, refined, worldly and incredibly well educated African American, decides to perform a concert tour of the American South – a dangerous place for African Americans. He hires Tony Lip to be his driver and protector. They’re opposites in many ways. The story goes back and forth between who’s the teacher, and who’s the student, and they teach each other, help each other, and become deep and lifelong friends. Tony’s wife insists that Tony get home by Christmas, and that he write letters to her.
THIRD ACT POINTS:
3rd ACT TURNING POINT: Dr. Shirley is about to play his last concert of the tour in Birmingham, Alabama. Tony Lip and the two members of Dr. Shirley’s trio, eat in the upscale dining room prior to the performance. Dr.Shirley (DS). has a literal closet for a dressing room. One of the trio explains why DS, who could get far more money and respect staying in NYC, decided to do the tour. “Genius is not enough. It takes courage to change people’s hearts.”
When DS enters, gorgeous tux, impeccable, to have dinner, the maître de refuses to seat him. If he doesn’t perform, Tony and the other performers don’t get paid. D.S tells Tony the decision is his. Play, or leave? Tony gets the gravity of it, and they leave.
TWIST Tony whines about his place in life. Completely vulnerable for the first time, DS declares that Tony has a family and people who understand him. DS doesn’t fit anywhere. He’s not accepted by ‘his people’, he’s “just another N…. when he walks off of a ‘white’ stage- and he’s queer so he’s not considered to be a real man. It’s a revelation for Tony.
TWIST They head for an African American club for dinner. People stare at DS. The bartender challenges him to play something. DS finally plays something he loves and blows everyone away- including Tony Lip, who already thinks DS is a genius. DS has a brilliant time.
TWIST They try to get home for Christmas but there’s a bad snow storm. They get stopped by a cop- and earlier in the story when they got pulled over, they got arrested and thrown in jail. This spells trouble- but instead, this cop tells them they have a flat tire and directs traffic while Tony changes the tire.
CRISIS Blinding snowstorm, Tony is being mesmerized by the storm and cannot drive any further. He gives up getting home for Christmas eve.
CLIMAX For the first time, DS drives the rest of the way and drops Tony off at his home for Christmas eve. DS declines Tony’s request that he come in and join the party.
RESOLUTION Tony rejoins his family to much fanfare. Someone refers to DS in a racist way, and Tony tells him not to call him that. Tony’s wife is surprised and pleased. DS drives to his own, gilded apartment. It’s perfect, pristine and he’s very alone.
FINAL SCENE Tony is surrounded by a lively family, and DS arrives- he’s decided to join them. Tony is so very happy, Tony’s wife is in awe of the man and everyone embraces him and makes a place for him at their fest.
PAYOFFS in the last 30 minutes:
PAYOFF Tony learns that DS could make a LOT of money, but has chosen to take the tour and that DS has more courage than anyone could imagine.
PAYOFF They refuse to perform in the club that refuses DS a seat in the club
PAYOFF In the African American Club – they eat fried chicken- which DS had never had (yuk greasy) until Tony insisted that he try it.
PAYOFF Tony Lip mashes a quote from John Kennedy, but it’s a good try and DS humors him.
PAYOFF DS plays the piano in the AA club, and there’s a glass of booze on the piano, which he removes.
PAYOFF Finally, the AA musicians and patrons of the club dig him, accept him, and DS has a blast of a great time.
PAYOFF DS Also plays what he loves to play, not what the music label contracted him to play for the concert tour.
PAYOFF Tony Lip scares two would be thieves away by shooting off a gun- which he told DS he didn’t have
PAYOFF End scene DS has a ‘lucky rock’ which is a running gag- Tony stole the jade rock- DS insisted that he pay for it or return it- Tony pretended to return it but kept it- DS knew all along and cites it earlier. Now DS has the lucky rock.
PAYOFF An officer actually helps Tony and DS
PAYOFF Tony gives up on the drive
PAYOFF Tony’s wife looks for him during the Christmas eve party but Tony is not there- to DS has decided to drive them the rest of the way home.
PAYOFF Tony gets home for Christmas and DS is home, and lonely. Tony has taught him it’s ok to be vulnerable and loved.
PAYOFF Tony tells his family not to make a racist comment.
PAYOFF There’s a knock on the door- but it’s someone else- and Tony misses his friend and wants him there.
PAYOFF DS arrives. Big payoff! The two friends embrace.
PAYOFF Tony’s wife thanks DS for helping Tony write the love letters to her.
SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:
OPEN Tony Lip bounces a man from the club- steals a hat to ‘find it’ for his boss, and then the boss owes him a favor. Tony goes home to a one-bedroom apartment in the Bronx, where he, his wife, and two kids all sleep.
SET UP Tony refuses to work for the mafia. Tony is interviewed to drive for DS and demands more money and fewer management duties.
SET UP DS teaches Tony how to write letters. Tony teaches DS about popular AA music, and basic things- how good fried chicken is…
SET UP – many problems at the venues. Tony takes control and insists that the vendors respect DS.
SET UP – DS is gay and jailed for it. Earlier, a suit shop refused to let DS try on a suit- after the jailing, Tony bribes the cops to let them go by giving them money for suits.
SET UP – Tony and DS are pulled over because they’re lost and on backroads in the deep, racist south. Tony hits one of the cops. They’re both jailed- and DS calls someone important to get them out. He has called the attorney general- Robert Kennedy!
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June Fortunato’s Kick Ass Dialogue (revised)
What I learned– developing new traits for my characters as they emerge.
Roy traits: Romantic. Needy. Rejection of authority. Wiseass.
Kim: vulnerable, romantic, empathetic, sneaky.
Previously: Roy has been looking for Kim, who took off in Atlantic city after triggering Roy’s PTSD. Kim looked for Roy at the hospital, and discovered Marilyn- whose car she stole – and learns that Marilyn’s condition was indirectly caused by taking the car. Marilyn and Suzy, who’s still pet sitting for Marilyn, convince Kim to give pet-sitting a try (to relieve Suzy of the duty.) Kim feels tremendous guilt, and agrees. These are pages 91-98.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – AFTERNOON
Kim’s about to leave, when Marilyn, in her wheelchair, is pushed into the hall. Kim and Marilyn recognize each other. Kim tries to hide her face. Too late.
MARILYN From the boutique?!
KIM Hi, Lady.
MARILYN Oh, come here!
KIM What happened to YOU?
MARILYN Fuss and bother. I broke my hips and then broke my spine. I’m in a mess. … Oh don’t worry. But come visit me? I’m lonely, you know.
KIM Uh.
MARILYN It happened right after we met. My car was misplaced. By the time I got home, my Woofie and Ludwig were so excited! And knocked me down.
KIM Oh no!
MARILYN I miss them so much. I’d love for you to meet them.
SUZY Yes, please.
MARILYN Nurse Suzy’s petsitting until we can find someone. Do you like dogs?
KIM I love dogs. And I know someone else who does, too.
But, suddenly, Kim hates herself.
KIM I… I gotta go.
SUZY Wait. Let me show you the ropes.
MARILYN Please. Nurse Suzy needs your help.
SUZY We both do.
Pause. Kim, mortified, doesn’t know what to do.
SUZY Come back at six. I’ll take you over.
Kim nods and rushes into the stairwell.
INT. HOSPITAL – STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS As soon as the door closes, Kim pushes herself against the door, distraught.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – TWILIGHT Suzy and a more composed Kim, enter. Woofie and Ludwig take to Kim immediately and she to them.
INTERCUT
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Visual only. Tara tells Roy about Kim’s visit, and writes Marilyn’s address on a slip of paper.
While:
Suzy and Kim’s conversation overlaps the scene.
KIM (O.S.) This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
SUZY (O.S.) Oh. So. Not Roy?
Kim laughs.
KIM (O.S.) Definitely Roy. Too.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – TWILIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Suzy and Kim walk the dogs.
SUZY You won’t steal anything?
KIM No!
SUZY Because Marilyn is – She doesn’t deserve this – what happened to her.
Pause.
And just between us. It’s not looking good for her.
Pause. Internally, Kim’s self condemnation battles with her affirmations. Kim sits on the front steps. Suzy watches her.
SUZY You’re good???
Kim gives a thumbs up.
SUZY OK. You know where everything is. I’ll come back later. Call me!
KIM You got it.
Suzy leaves. Kim hugs the two dogs tightly and talks into their fur.
KIM I will be good. I will be strong. I will be just. I will not do anything to hurt you or that poor lady. I am good. I am strong. I am trying. I will try.
Across the street, Roy watches. He keeps his distance. Finally, Kim looks up and sees him. Kim stands and turns to go into the house. She fiddles with the key and drops it. Roy approaches. Woofie and Ludwig growl and Roy steps back. Kim finally turns the latch and rushes the boys into the house, but she lingers. Facing the door:
KIM Leave me alone. I’m no good for you.
ROY I highly disagree.
KIM I’m serious. I’ll only hurt you and I’m tired. So tired of hurting.
Roy is there, now, on the step below her.
ROY You are the breeze for my napalmed heart.
She turns.
KIM Anybody ever tell you you’re weird?
Roy kisses her and she digs in. They hold on as if the other will evaporate.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT Roy and Kim lie on the living room floor in their skivvies, teasing the dogs-who apparently have long since warmed up to Roy. Kim steals glances at scars on Roy’s back.
ROY You hungry? I’m hungry.
KIM Starving!
Roy pulls on his pants.
ROY I’ll buy something.
KIM Suzy said to use what’s here. Marilyn’s afraid it’ll go to waste.
ROY Dang. This place gets better and better.
Kim tosses a toy pillow at him and Woofie runs for it. Giggles.
KIM Atta boy!
ROY I am an EX Perto at Huevos rancheros.
KIM I’m in!
ROY SpI CEE.
He roars. Kim laughs.
KIM Fry me!
ROY Now you’re talking my lingo.
Roy goes into the kitchen and sings the 1963 classic by the Chiffons, “He’s so fine.”
ROY (O.S.) (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) (Do-lang-do-lang) She’s so fine (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Hope she is mine.(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim tosses the pillow again and it hits Roy’s backpack.
That pretty girl over there. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) The one with the sexy brown hair. (Dolang- do-lang-do-lang)
Kim crawls on her belly to his backpack and peeks in.
I don’t know how I’m gonna do it (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) But I’m really gonna try (Do-lang do- lang-do-lang)
Kim can’t help herself. She slides her hand into the backpack and comes up with Roy’s war medal.
To keep her warm and happy, (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) and keep her by my side. (Do-lang-dolang- do-lang) Gotta be mine. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Sooner or later. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) I hope it’s not later.(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Roy comes bouncing backwards out of the kitchen with plates full of eggs, covered in hot sauce.
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
And sees her questioning look. Then he sees his medal. He sets the eggs onto a coffee table and approaches her.
KIM It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.
She turns to put it back. He gets to her.
I suck.
He gently takes the medal from her.
Roy?
ROY This is what they give you when half the people die. We lived. They died.
Pause.
KIM Don’t… You don’t have to tell me.
ROY We knew they were there – invisible. Deadly quiet. Too quiet. Too. Still. The air was dripping. You couldn’t breathe. They were there. Where? You get that – those other senses. The guys were shaking. So I hightailed it to an open area and climbed a wall, yelling. Lookie here! Look you motherfuckers! Shoot, muthafuckers! I got blasted and our unit nailed them. All of them. So they tell me. Like dead ants drowned in poison.
KIM But…
ROY Med EEEEVAC. Treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL firewater and PO-tent chemicals.
KIM I’m sorry. (pause) UH OH! So, how spicy were the eggs?
Woofie and Ludwig look guilty and Roy spots the empty plates of eggs.
ROY Hershey squirts spicy.
Kim pulls on pants and they hustle the boys out the door.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Suzy’s crossing toward the house when Woofie, Ludwig, Roy and then Kim follow at a clip.
SUZY Roy?
ROY Suzy Q!
SUZY Everything all right?
ROY Midnight rock n roll.
KIM We’re perfect.
SUZY Roy! You’ve got to meet Marilyn. That’s not right.
ROY Manana.
SUZY In the MORNING. She’s getting moved.
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June Fortunato’s Colorful Dialogue Day 9 of dialogue
Some of these pages are revised and so I repost here. Previous to these pages (90-94.) Roy worked on a film with the pyrotechnicians. Kim returned to the hospital to look for Roy. Marilyn is the woman whose car she stole. It’s very near the ending, and the writing is emotional and sometimes contradictory.
EXT. FILM SET – AFTERNOON Roy & Pyro Crewman finish the pack up. Pyro extends his hand.
PYRO CREWMAN Good working with you, Roy. I’ll request you next time.
ROY EX cellentness.
PYRO CREWMAN And… (pulls out his cell phone) Why don’t you give me your number?
ROY No gots.
PYRO CREWMAN No cell?! Email?
Roy shakes his head.
ROY That’s OK, I’ll find you.
Stark revelation.
PYRO CREWMAN How you gonna get paid?
ROY First ride free. It’s been real.
Roy turns to leave.
PYRO CREWMAN Yo, wait.
Takes out his wallet.
See what you can do with this.
Gives Roy his cash.
Join the union, man.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – AFTERNOON Kim’s about to leave, when Marilyn, in her wheelchair, is pushed into the hall. Kim and Marilyn recognize each other. Kim tries to hide her face. Too late.
MARILYN From the boutique?!
KIM Hi, Lady.
MARILYN Oh, come here! How are you dear?
KIM What happened to YOU?
MARILYN Fuss and bother. I broke my hips and then broke my spine. I’m in a mess. … Oh don’t worry. But come visit me? I’m lonely, you know.
KIM Uh.
MARILYN It happened right after we met. My car was misplaced. By the time I got home, my Woofie and Ludwig were so excited! And knocked me down.
KIM Oh no!
MARILYN I miss them so much. I’d love for you to meet them.
SUZY Yes, please.
MARILYN Nurse Suzy’s petsitting until we can find someone. Do you like dogs?
KIM I love dogs. And I know someone else who does, too.
But, suddenly, Kim hates herself.
KIM I… I gotta go.
SUZY Wait. Let me show you the ropes.
MARILYN Please. Nurse Suzy needs your help.
SUZY We both do.
Pause. Kim, mortified, doesn’t know what to do.
SUZY Come back at six. I’ll take you over.
Kim nods and rushes into the stairwell.
INT. HOSPITAL – STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS As soon as the door closes, Kim collapses into tears.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – TWILIGHT Suzy and a more composed Kim, enter. Woofie and Ludwig take to Kim immediately and she to them.
INTERCUT
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION Visual only. Tara tells Roy about Kim’s visit, and writes Marilyn’s address on a slip of paper.
While:
Suzy and Kim’s conversation overlaps the scene.
SUZY (O.S.) And you’ll take the best – the finest care –
KIM (O.S.) I am. I will. I’ll love them with all my heart.
SUZY (O.S.) Because that kid next door was …
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – TWILIGHT – CONTINUOUS Suzy and Kim walk the dogs.
KIM Suzy, this is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
SUZY Oh. So. Not Roy?
Kim laughs.
KIM Definitely Roy. Too.
SUZY You won’t steal anything?
KIM No!
SUZY Because Marilyn is – She doesn’t deserve this – what happened to her. Pause. And just between us. It’s not looking good for her.
Pause. Internally, Kim’s self condemnation battles with her affirmations. Kim sits on the front steps. Suzy watches her.
SUZY You’re good???
Kim gives a thumbs up.
SUZY OK. You know where everything is. I’ll come back later. Call me!
KIM You got it.
Suzy leaves. Kim hugs the two dogs tightly and talks into their fur.
KIM I will be good. I will be strong. I will be just. I will not do anything to hurt you or that poor lady. I am good. I am strong. I am trying. I will try.
Across the street, Roy watches. He keeps his distance. Finally, Kim looks up and sees him.
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June Fortunato’s Subtext Pointers 2 Day 8 of Dialogue
What I learned: I enjoyed making a game of one of the scenes inspired by this assignment.
What’s hidden? Kim cares for Roy. Suzy knows but isn’t letting on about Roy and Kim. Kim hurt Marilyn. Marilyn has no idea. Kim stole Suzy’s keys. Suzy doesn’t know, but will she put it together? Only one person feels the conflict.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – AFTERNOON Kim glides down the hall, peeking into rooms, and ‘acts casual’ when she gets to the nurse’s station. She helps herself to a peppermint and waits for Suzy to look up.
SUZY Kim Kirby?
KIM Hi. Nurse Suzy.
Tara appears and heads for her seat.
TARA Hey, you!
Pause. Both Suzy and Tara guess what Kim wants but have a game baiting her.
SUZY How’re you feeling?
KIM Good. I feel good.
SUZY Did you leave something behind?
TARA I’ll call lost and found.
She picks up her phone.
SUZY Or found then lost.
TARA You know it.
SUZY Then “oh look!” – Found again. And again. And again!
Tara laughs. Kim knows she’s being teased.
SUZY Are you looking for a – certain someone?
TARA Wiseass type.
SUZY Stubborn.
TARA Nice, though.
Suzy sighs.
SUZY Lost soul.
Pause.
TARA We know you’re sweet on someone.
SUZY Yeah, and he’s wild about you oh boy.
KIM Really? He told you? But… Are you upset? I mean, you two were an item.
TARA Suzy booted him.
SUZY That is to say, I left.
TARA Sort of.
SUZY He likes you, Kim. I don’t know where to find him. He might come around. I asked him to meet a patient here.
Kim, disappointed, looks around. I’ll check back. OK?
SUZY Sure.
EXT. FILM SET – AFTERNOON It’s a wrap. Roy & Pyro Crewman finish the pack up.
PYRO CREWMAN Good working with you, Roy. I’ll call if we need help. What’s your number?
ROY Don’t have a cell, brother.
PYRO CREWMAN No cell phone?! Well, what’s your email? …. A street address?
ROY That’s OK, I’ll find you.
Pyro crewman gets it.
PYRO CREWMAN How are you gonna get paid?
ROY That seems to be my universal SIT U Ation
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – AFTERNOON Kim’s about to leave, and Tim is pushing Marilyn in a chair. Kim and Marilyn recognize each other.
MARILYN From the boutique.
KIM Hi.
MARILYN Oh, come here! How are you dear?
KIM What happened to YOU?
MARILYN Fuss and bother. I broke my hips and then broke my spine. I’m in a mess. Oh don’t worry. But come and visit me? I’m lonely, you know.
KIM Uh.
MARILYN It happened that day. My car was misplaced and by the time I got home, my Woofie and Ludwig were so excited! And knocked me down.
KIM Oh no!
MARILYN They’re my life. I miss them so much. I’d love for you to meet them.
SUZY Please.
MARILYN Nurse Suzy is petsitting until we can find someone else. Do you like dogs?
KIM I love dogs. And I know someone else who does, too.
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June Fortunato’s Dialogue Structures Day 6 of Subtext for Retirement Circular talk, metaphor and dual convos
What I learned: I had to review my script and rethink the rest of my outline. As I get closer to the end, these assignments become tougher to fit.
Previously Roy tries to rent an apartment, as per the judge’s order and is summarily dismissed for lack of a bank account. Kim reclaims her car which was stolen by her brother.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – ROOFTOP – LATE MORNING
Roy, on the roof, has shaped a firehose into a noose, and hung it over the entrance door.
ROY (shouting) They hate veterans. Don’t rent here! They hate us vets!
Cars squeal brakes and passengers yell up.
WOMAN Don’t jump! Stay there!
From his perch, Roy sees a film crew setting up in the streets below.
ROY Ooopsie. Gotta go.
And he heads into the building, leaving cars in a mess below.
INT./EXT. – KIM’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Kim is outside of a used car dealership. A salesman leans on her window.
KIM What’ll you pay for my car?
EXT. FILM SET – SOON AFTER
An exhausted crew lines up at a caterer’s truck. Roy stands in line.
CATERER Scrambled egg sandwich or vegan?
ROY Two, please.
CATERER Eggs?
ROY You bet. I just love me some chickies.
Caterer passes the sandwiches. Roy sits with the crew members.
SECOND ASSISTANT Sign in over there.
Roy stands but swerves to the pyrotechnic truck. Al, already busy, sets a table with triggering devices, radio receivers, wires, dust bags.
AL Where’s your paper work?
ROY I dunno.
AL Did you sign in?
ROY Is the pope short?
AL Another jerk-off substitute. Set the bags where I marked.
Al points to marks on a wall. Roy has zero idea of what to do. To a Pyro crewman.
Keep your eye on that guy.
Pyro man grabs a handful of dust bags and gives half to Roy.
PYRO CREWMAN You set the dust bags. I’ll set the remotes and the maroons.
ROY Roger that.
Roy stuffs the bags into the spots. Pyro Crewman watches Roy.
PYRO CREWMAN Look. Like this. Safety first. No offense, old man, but watch and learn. One screw up and everything’s fucked. People get hurt.
ROY Copy that. No screw ups.
Pyro Crewman shows Roy how to set the FX bags and Roy quickly gets it, and soon knows how to set the remotes and the sound devices, too.
PYRO CREWMAN Good finesse.
ROY Like sliding off a duck’s back.
EXT. FILM SET – LATER
Camera is set, actors, dressed like tourists are ready for the shot.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Going for a take. Places. Quiet on set. Settle.
SOUND Sound is up.
DP Rolling.
SLATE Take one, scene 33A.
DIRECTOR Action.
Tourists stroll a wall. Suddenly rapid; LOUD FX gunshots, and the FX bags burst in the wall and dirt fills the air as if the wall was pummeled. Roy freaks. He runs to the tourists and pushes them to the ground.
ROY Get down!
DIRECTOR Cut! Cut!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR What the hell is going on? Who is this guy? Get rid of this guy!
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June Fortunato’s cover ups Day 7 of Dialogue
What I learned: Interesting solutions to draw from when I write the scene.
Assignment
Kim is at the nurse’s station, looking for Suzy to learn news of Roy.
1) – Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Kim wanders away.
2) – Action incongruent with words.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Kim walks the hall, peeking into every room. “no one in particular”
3)- Change subject.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
I got a fierce hangnail. I just can’t get rid of it.
4)- Question them.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Did you see this morning’s sunrise? I was out there. It was magnificent.
5)- Attack back.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Why would I be looking for someone?
6)- Complement them.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
You look especially sharp today, Suzy.
7)- Threaten them
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
I don’t think I have to answer you. Who do you think you are?
8)- Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Well, you know, I was here last week and miss this place terribly.
9)- Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Tonight is my favorite tv show, and I know you like it, too. I’ve seen you watch it.
10)- Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Everything is fine! I am strong! Why’re you asking?
7
11)- Distraction.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Wow, is that Oma over there? I think I see her at her door.
12)- Make a joke of it.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
Everybody’s always looking for the same thing. Love.
13)- Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.
Suzy to Kim: Who’re you looking for?
And it is a really good morning. I sure feel rested today.
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June Fortunato’s Anticipatory Dialogue for Retirement Day 5
What I learned: Good list.
Previously: Roy had a meltdown in Atlantic City and Kim breaks it off- saying she’s no good for him. When Roy ‘recovers’ he looks for Kim, can’t find her, and hitches a ride on a bus full of church ladies. Kim spends the night on the stage. Roy was locked out of his balcony at the Bellevue, so he searches for a place to sleep. He decides to try to legit, rent an apartment. Meanwhile, Kim talks a young couple into give her a lift. Back in Philly, she heads to her house, where Brian and Ingrid have taken over.
INT. BATHROOM – EARLY MORNING A one-seat bathroom, the kind in commercial buildings. Roy washes himself.
INT. HOSPITAL – NURSE’S STATION – EARLY MORNING Suzy and Tara listen to the splashing water. Tim stands ready to nab the intruder outside of the door. Roy emerges.
SUZY Roy!
ROY There’s my pushy friend, Tim!
He shakes Tim’s hand.
SUZY You came! I don’t believe it!
TARA Marilyn’s awake.
SUZY Let me introduce you.
ROY Places to go. Things to do. Thanks for the hospitality. Mattress could use a little work, though.
Tim peeks in.
SUZY Roy!
Roy takes a peppermint as he leaves.
INT./EXT. BUS – COTTAGE – EARLY MORNING – CONTINUOUS Kim gets off of a local bus.
KIM You get one last chance. Or else. I’m gonna do it. I will. I am strong. I am ready. I will right the wrongs.
Kim goes to the parked car and has a key. She sits behind the wheel.
KIM This is MY car. What makes you think you can take MY CAR????? Why do you have to take EVERYTHING? I want it all BACK!
She cranks the engine and lays on the horn. Inside, Ingrid rips the curtains back and starts yelling for Brian. He looks out and then stumbles, pushed out of the door. He stares at Kim, afraid. Kim lays on the horn again. Ingrid, at the door:
INGRID Shut that bitch up! I’m calling the police!
KIM Get in the car, Brian.
Brian is paralyzed.
KIM Get your wimpy behind in the car!!!
INGRID I called the police! I called the police!
Brian hustles into the car and Kim locks the doors. She drives.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
A far too-young, smarmy manager, swamped in a cheap, overly-large suit, ushers Roy out of the front door.
MANAGER (exasperated) Like I keep telling you, you need a bank account!
ROY Cash.
MANAGER B.A.N.K. Account!
ROY Cash is king. All the kings use it. Except for Putin. He uses manipulation. And Rubles.
MANAGER Bank account. First month, last month, security deposit. References! Those are the rules.
ROY Cowboys don’t have bank accounts.
Tries to be clever.
MANAGER OK, “Cowboy Bebop”, get on your horse and kick up the dust. You’re not renting here. And I don’t care that you’re a Veteran.
Proud of himself, the manager turns and marches back into the building. Roy catches the door behind him.
INT./EXT. SCHUYLKILL EXPRESSWAY – KIM’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Kim, speeding, takes curves too fast, and Brian fears for his life. He tries to get out but the doors are baby-locked. Wouldn’t help anyway. There’s a steep drop along the roadside and no place to pull off.
BRIAN Kim, please!
KIM You’re out of control. Why you gotta be a thieving dick and a wimp all at the same time? I’m tired of it, Brian.
BRIAN Pull over! Stop!
KIM You stop. Have some decency. What is WRONG with you???
BRIAN I love her. It makes her happy.
KIM She’s cheating on you.
He’s silent.
I saw them.
BRIAN I know.
KIM You KNOW?
Brian nods.
You know she’s cheating on you???!!! You know with whom?
Brian nods.
BRIAN Oren.
KIM Oh my god!
Kim slams on the brakes and they both jolt forward as she slows her speed. She ‘creates’ a pull off and plows her car onto it, sticking out into the lane and stops. Drivers swerve to get around them.
KIM You set me up!
Brian is silent.
Who is he, anyway? You COWARD. Start talking or you’ll never get out of here.
BRIAN Kim, please.
KIM You didn’t get a court order to commit me, did you? DID YOU?
Brian shakes his head.
And then you were what? Gonna shove me into Belmont! to get my name off the house, and then I’m kicked out of there and then what? I’m really homeless. You… SCUM.
Brian is red-faced.
How DARE you!? And who is Oren, anyway? A bank teller? Oh, wait, someone who’s in on the take at the bank, right?
Silence.
I got news for you. She’s gonna leave you. I heard her gloat. She’s taking all of MY money, and all of YOUR money. She has private accounts, and as soon as she gets the house, she’s out.
BRIAN She won’t leave me.
KIM You MORON.
BRIAN She loves me. She’ll stay.
KIM You’re not getting MY house. Do you understand? You’re not getting it.
BRIAN You won’t win. Everybody thinks you’re insane.
Kim unlocks the doors.
KIM GET. OUT.
BRIAN Here???
KIM Get out NOW.
BRIAN Where???
She reaches over him and opens his door.
BRIAN You’re leaving me here???
KIM One. Two. Three.
BRIAN You sound like mom. And you know what happened to her.
He barely makes it out and she speeds away. He’s terrified between the cliff and the fast traffic.
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June Fortunato’s contrast scene Day 4 of dialogue
What I learned: I focused on the assignment and it heightened the action of my next scenes. These are pages 76,77,78
BACKSTORY
Roy had a melt down in Atlantic city, Kim declared that she’s no good for Roy and left. He hitched a ride on church lady bus back to Philly. Now he’s looking for a place to sleep and returns to the Bellevue, where he commandeered an unused balcony. The next morning, Kim hitches a ride back to Philly with a betting couple.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – 19TH FLOOR – SERVICE DOOR
A large padlock secures Roy’s service door. Roy drops to his knees and pretends to look for something on the floor. He reaches up, and tests the lock. Solid. He crawls around again, kneels up and inspects the lock. Unshakable. The waiter from the previous night walks in and watches Roy, amused.
WAITER Looking for something, “DOCTOR.”
ROY Damned eyes. I lost my contact lens.
WAITER Uh huh. I’m sure that won’t affect your surgical skills in the least. Wait here. Worried that the waiter will fetch security, Roy heads to the elevator and hits the button. He watches the lights as the elevator climbs. Slowly. Too slowly. Roy tries several locked doors. The waiter returns. He carries Roy’s beat-up box.
WAITER This yours?
ROY What, that? Let me see.
Roy takes the box.
WAITER I studied history.
ROY A fine topic.
WAITER Don’t let it repeat itself.
ROY Ten-four.
WAITER Next time, I’ll call security.
Pause.
ROY But Jiminy Cricket, what about my contact lens?
Pissed, the waiter pulls out his cell phone as the elevator ‘dings’ and Roy hustles aboard – giving the waiter a respectful soldier’s salute as the doors shutter.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAY – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Roy investigates the hall of Kim’s suite. Someone has left a tray with a discarded half-sandwich – outside of a door. He snags it. He knocks on Kim’s door.
ROY Sugar?
A small woman cracks the door and peeks out.
ROY Have you seen my dog? Little one? Terrier? This big. Hairy. Pretty dark hair? Answers to the name of Sugar?
WOMAN
She shakes her head and quickly closes the door.
ROY So sorry, madam. Hope springs E-TERN-AL.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – NIGHT
Roy wanders. He sits on a bench in the park. He wanders. He sneaks into the back door of a restaurant but gets spotted. He wanders. He sits at the outdoor table of a bar. Finally, he comes to a decision.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAYS – OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
He waits until the nurse’s station is clear, slips into a bathroom, locks the door, and sleeps on his box.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – STAGE – EARLY MORNING
Kim wakes with the dawn. The ocean and the sky meet. It’s surreal.
EXT. CASINO EXIT – EARLY MORNING
A tired, young couple head toward a parking garage. Kim follows them.
KIM Oh wow, I know how that feels. You guys are beat. Me too.
They ignore her.
KIM I gambled all night. Lost everything! Including my boyfriend.
They continue to walk.
KIM Are you heading to Philadelphia? My guy beat it, and I’m stranded.
They turn.
WOMAN Hey. Weren’t you the one who sang on the stage last night?
KIM Ah. Yuh.
WOMAN I saw it. (To her friend) Her boyfriend went schizo and got carted off.
MAN Sucks to be you.
KIM And him.
WOMAN We ARE going to Philly.
Beat.
MAN Yeah, OK. Buy us lunch?
KIM Um. Sure, I can snag you a lunch. Thank you!
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June Fortunato’s World View scene day 3 of dialogue
What I learned: very helpful to list the character traits and world view before writing the scene.
Roy Dent
World View: Like the song: They’ll take your soul if you let them. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Life Metaphor: I’m a hitchhiker going from ride to ride. It’s about the rides, because at the end,
there is death. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rules and strategies: Know when it’s time to go. Don’t hang on. Keep moving. Make a plan and go for broke. Use humor as a weapon.
Justifications: Had some great times, some beautiful women, excellent adventures and escapes, wild rides. Who else is poor, and yet has had such an amazing life? You can’t beat my thrills.
Traits: Wiseass on top below: deeply sad. Outrageous. Rescuer. Resourceful. Perseveres.
——————–
Nurse Suzy Welsh
World View: Keep moving and taking care of others or you might have to look in the mirror. Everyone needs help. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Life Metaphor: I’m here to help others.
Rules and Strategies: if there’s a need, you can’t say no. Always say no at first and then give in. Plan everything and leave no moment empty. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Justifications I’m the one who can figure things out. Others are weak, and I am strong enough for everyone. It’s amazing how much I can do in a day. Avoid self- Do things for self only to appease others and make others happy. Seeing the relief on another’s face makes my heart sing.
Traits: Overachiever Quick to laugh Caretaker Lonely and afraid to attach
——————–
EXT. RITTENHOUSE SQUARE – LA CROIX RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A delicate neon sign, “La Croix” hangs above the upscale restaurant/hotel. Suzy and Denny, on the balcony, savor drinks and look down at the park across the street. Denny puts his arm around her waist, talks a streak and Suzy laughs. A charter bus, marked “Senior Flyers” pulls into the drive below and opens it’s doors. Tired gamblers pile out, and among them, Roy. Suzy turns her back quickly.
SUZY Let’s go inside.
DENNY Are you cold?
SUZY No. I’m. Roy’s below.
DENNY Where?
SUZY He just got off that bus.
Denny looks down.
SUZY Don’t look. He’ll see you.
DENNY So what?
SUZY God. I’m so self indulgent!
DENNY Like Mahatma Gandhi. Getting you here is like climbing a waterfall.
Suzy’s preoccupied. Then she takes off.
DENNY Where’re you going?
SUZY I’ve got to talk to him. But I promise- it’ll solve a couple of problems.
She dashes out. Denny signals a wait person; hands her a credit card. The wait staff zips the card right there and returns it. Denny runs after Suzy who’s already below.
SUZY Roy! Roy!
Roy turns.
What happened? Are you in pain?
ROY Suzy Q. How grand to see you in grandeur. Is this the famous “La Croix” I’ve heard about? So many times.
Denny catches up.
DENNY Hi Roy. I see you’re surrounded by the ladies! Well done, man.
ROY I’m just a hitchhiker in a harem.
SUZY Roy, I don’t know how to get ahold of you, and
ROY Lovely Suzy Q, I seem to recollect that you bounced and left me on the grill.
SUZY Well, for once, I need your help.
ROY Ah! She needs my helfen mit den Hunden. Woofie and Ludwig.
SUZY How do you know that???
ROY Take care of her Denny. She’s a fine girl.
He leaves.
SUZY Roy! Stop by the hospital. Please.
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June Fortunato’s Character Traits Live! Day 2 of Dialogue
What I learned: I feel that dialogue is one of my strengths, but this exercise was rough because the next scenes in my screenplay my two leads were alone and lost. Nonetheless, the character traits helped to punch up what I had.
Backstory: In the previous scenes, Kim, trying to delight Roy by getting a band to play a Viet Nam era song backfired and triggered his PTSD. He had a meltdown, and was carried off to a ‘quiet room’ where he spent several hours. Kim, already low opinion of herself, feels like scum, and told Roy she’s no good for him. Now the two of them long for, but are afraid of each other.
Roy Dent Viet Nam Vet.
Traits Rejection of authority. Protective. Charming & seductive. Persistent/ Ever hopeful. Deeply wounded.
Kim Kirby Disenfranchised artist.
Traits Musical. Smart. Seeks attention. Needy. Resentful. Deeply wounded.
INT. ATLANTIC CITY – HOLDING ROOM – NIGHT
Roy, crumpled against the door, pulls himself upright. Pain in his kidney nearly fells him. He forces his buckling knees straight and rises again. Urgent, he digs through the trash to find a used cup, moves to the window and forces himself to breathe the cool air as he listens to the waves, the distant amusement park, and the sound of his pee as it fills the cup.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – BEACH – NIGHT
Roy dumps the cup and wanders the beach, jaggedly, scanning. At a distance: a woman whose shape looks like Kim.
ROY (a whisper) Sugar? (louder) Kim?
The woman looks and walks on. Roy searches the motionless bumper cars, the shuttered taffy stand, a dark stage. He calls out to her in each place. Roy heads to the PIER. Underneath, Lovers Lane. Movement in darkness. Roy squints.
ROY Sugar? (pause) Sugar!
A couple stops necking.
THE LASS (Whispers to the boy) Do something.
But the boy doesn’t know what to do and dives into more necking.
ROY Puppies. Innocents.
THE LASS Gad, he’s creepy.
ROY Stay close. Run. Don’t look back. Don’t ever let them catch you.
Roy leaves.
INT. ATLANTIC CITY – STAGE – CONTINUOUS
Litter speckles the sand. Barely visible, movement in the far corner of the stage reveals Kim. She locks her vision on the waves as sings quietly and becomes louder as the song progresses. Kim counts her fingers over and over. She changes the words to the classic, “Never Let Me Go.”
KIM
I must let you go. I love you much too much. When you let me go, Life will lose it’s touch. Where will I be without you? There’s no place for me without you. Yet, I’ve got to leave. I’ll be so lost when you are away. There’ll be a thousand hours in a day without you, I know.
Because of one rescue I suddenly felt real, in the hallway all my past got burned, by that wiseass show – now I’ve hurt you deeply. I have to leave you, sweetly. You must let me go. But never let me go.
FADE OUT.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – BUS PARKING – NIGHT
Roy quashes his rawness and brings “Old Roy” back. A group of betting ladies, fresh out of dough, line up to climb aboard a charter bus labeled, “Senior Flyers!” Roy squeezes into the queue. Near the driver, a leader, with a clipboard checks names.
LEADER Rittenhouse square, right? Hi, Elsie did you have fun?
ELSIE Boy am I tired!
Roy’s next.
ROY I’m with Elsie.
He winks. The leader, impressed, has a whole new idea of Elsie and lets Roy onto the bus.
LEADER First ride free.
INT. ATLANTIC CITY – BUS – CONTINUOUS
ROY Did you play Pachinko? (sing-song) Pachinko Pachinko!
He sits next to Elsie. The bus pulls out. At the front.
LEADER All right! Everybody’s here! Wasn’t that fun? Let’s hear it for us Senior Flyers!
Passengers cheer.
The fun keeps coming! So let’s get started. Pass out the songbooks.
The books get handed back from row to row.
ELSIE (Confidentially) Who can remember the words?
ROY A sing-a-long. How hunky-dory!
LEADER Before we start, we all need fortification after losing money! So please pass the candy around.
Cheers. A large bag of mixed candies goes around.
ROY I used to love peppermints.
ELSIE What happened?
Pause.
ROY I still love them.
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June Fortunato’s Great Dialogue Scene from Birdman Day 1 of dialogue
What I learned: Randomly chosen scene near the beginning. I haven’t seen the movie since it came out. Most excellent scripts have great dialogue- this is one of them.
——-
And with that a light comes barreling down from it’s perch and crashes into Ralph’s head, making him hit the floor like a rag doll. Silence.
LAURA Holy shit.
Lesley and Annie (35), the Stage Manager, run over to Ralph who is out cold. Not knowing what to do, they stare at him.
LESLEY Is he breathing?
Jake runs toward the stage.
JAKE Someone call 911!
Riggan slowly backs away from the chaos.
LAURA Is that blood coming out of his ear?
JAKE (To Riggan.) Where are you going?
LESLEY Okay, he’s breathing. What did he have for lunch? NOTE: This line is particularly offbeat and sets the tone of the movie.
LAURA Did anyone call for help?
ANNIE(Clapping.) Wake up! Wake up!
Two crew members try to help Ralph.
CREW MEMBER Grab his legs. I got the top.
JAKE Don’t move him! Wait for the ambulance.(Calling out.) For the love of God! I could get a black audience in this theater faster than a doctor! NOTE: This is a brilliant line.
Riggan heads off the stage, and Jake chases after him. We follow them as…
INT. HALLWAY – THEATER – CONTINUOUS…they walk through the corridor.
JAKE Where are you going? We’ll have the understudy ready to rehearse in five–
NOTE: I love that the scene is active and that the dialogue is motivated by strong desires of each <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>character.
RIGGAN Forget the understudy. We have to postpone the preview.
JAKE What are you– It’s a full house. We would have to refund all the–
RIGGAN Then do it.
A crew member· passes in the opposite direction.
CREW MEMBER·How’s Ralph?
RIGGAN He’ll be fine. NOTE: He has no idea but the brushes it off. Great character reveal.
JAKE Wait. Wait. Fuck. Wait.
RIGGAN: Listen to me. It was going to be a disaster. That guy’s the worst actor I’ve ever seen. The blood coming out of his ear was the most honest thing he’s done so far.
NOTE Love this line! Sardonic. The truth comes out.
JAKE He’s not that bad.
Riggan stops in his tracks and stares at Jake.
JAKE (CONT’D)Okay, he’s fucking horrible. But–
NOTE: Brilliant take back.
Riggan starts walking again.
JAKE You have the press in your dressing room in a few hours. How are we–
RIGGAN I’ll make something up.
Two Technicians· hurry up in the opposite direction.
RIGGAN Jake. This happened for a reason. It wasn’t an accident.
JAKE What do you mean?
RIGGANI– (A beat.) I made it happen. NOTE: Love this opportunity to express the inner life of
this guy- his beliefs that he can will magical things to happen. It also asks the question- did he rig <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>the light?
JAKE Oh. Okay.(Beat.)Are you drunk?
RIGGAN Find me an actor. A good actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman…
NOTE: This sequence of naming actors is particularly fun.
JAKE He’s doing the third Hunger Games.
RIGGAN Michael Fassbender?
JAKE Doing the prequel to the X-Men prequel.
They arrive at Riggan’s dressing room.
RIGGAN What’s his name? Jeremy Renner…
JAKE Who?
RIGGANT he… the Hurt Locker guy.
JAKE Yeah. He’s an Avenger.
RIGGAN(With disgust.)Fuck. They put him in a cape, too?
NOTE: Brilliant end to the running gag. Great payoff.
(A beat.) Look, I don’t care. Find me someone.
Riggan enters…
INT. RIGGAN’S DRESSING ROOM – THEATER – CONTINUOUS...his dressing room and tries to shut the door. Jake, still in the corridor, stops it with his foot.
JAKE (Sticking his head in.) Ralph’ll sue us. He’ll sue us. And he’s got a case.
Riggan releases the door.
RIGGANT Then make him go away.
NOTE: It’s also the staging that makes the dialogue work so well.
JAKE How do you suggest I do that?
RIGGAN You’re my lawyer, my producer and my oldest friend. We are going to make this work. Now just get out there and do what you were born to do.
JAKE What’s that?
RIGGAN I have no idea. But I have faith. Now go away from me.
JAKE Do you think we should–
Riggan slams the door shut on Jake.
NOTE: Love this scene because it’s so fast, sets up the movie, sets up Riggan as the lead and as <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>someone with odd notions of his power- sets up the world.
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June Fortunato’s Final Scene- Subtext compilation- day 9
I posted some of this in earlier assignments but revised so I’m reposting, and adding a final bit. Below: Pages 64 to 71.
Misinterpretation Dramatic Irony
Character Name ROY DENT lead Subtext Identity Angry, resentful, unforgiving of past Vietnam War veteran Character Traits Wiseass, quick wit, protective, defensive Subtext ;”Logline Roy mooches off of everyone to avoid being part of the system. His veneer is an easy going guy but underneath- a raging fire. Possible areas of subtext Persuasive, desperation, resentment, terror, charmer.
Character Name KIM KIRBY lead Subtext Identity Upper middle class disenfranchised spirit wounded woman fights to get what she deserves. Character Traits Puts on a show of fearlessness, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Talented performer. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Quick wit. Escape artist. Free spirit. Subtext Logline Kim plays sexy cute but underneath, she’s afraid to trust and will run as soon as anyone gets too close. Possible areas of subtext Fear. Sneaky. Wild. Vulnerable. Retaliatory. Vengence.
BACKGROUND
Leading up to these scenes, Kim has a meltdown, so Roy convinces her to go to Atlantic City to brighten her mood. They do. In AC, Kim and Roy connive their way onto bumper cars for free, and then steal a box of salt water taffy. So when Kim says it’s a stupendous day, she means it. And she sincerely means to make Roy happy with the 1,2,3 song, but it goes terribly wrong.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – BEACH – AFTERNOON – LATER
Roy and Kim watch the waves. They sport a half-empty box of taffy, and finish corn dogs, fries and beer. Roy eases back onto the bench. Relaxed.
KIM This day is stupendous, Roy.
Roy nods.
KIM Good ol’ five finger discounts.
ROY YOU are the PREMO EXPERTO on that, Sugar, Sugar.
KIM I have to be.
ROY I prefer “the mooch” method. But I’m not as “pretty” as I used to be. The babes eyeball me like “here comes granpa…”
KIM I don’t.
Pause.
KIM “To live the mooch life, or not to live the mooch life. That is Roy’s question.”
ROY “To have but three weeks left to stay ‘alive’ – to find an abode and thereby to collect el benefitso”
KIM “Whether or not he’ll survive the hard benches and balcony hideouts, or suffer to do the bidding of the law and thereby take their money but lose his soul.”
Pause. Roy’s astonished. She gets him.
ROY (unsure) They say I can’t live rough anymore… Medically speaking.
KIM Your body or your soul. Catch 22.
Pause. Silence.
KIM My abode was absconded.
ROY We could change that.
Long Pause.
ROY How attached are you to the house?
Kim doesn’t comprehend.
ROY You own the land, too.
No no no. Not up for discussion. Kim leaps up.
KIM They’re setting up a stage over there. Let’s go see it.
Kim hustles to the stage, leaving Roy in the distance.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – STAGE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
On the beach. Recorded music plays as musicians set up. A banner reads: “Retro 1970s Music Contest.” Roy makes his way to the stage, and Kim already has a mic in her hand. Her laugh fills the air.
KIM One, two, one two. Check one, two.
On mic.
MUSICIAN All right, folks. Are you ready???? Welcome to the Annual Music Contest. This year is, THE 1970s. And here to start things off is our first contestant, Kim Kirby.
KIM I’m here with a new friend and dedicate this song to him. A favorite of mine from the BeeGees. She nods to the musicians. They start up the accompaniment to “How Deep is Your Love” (Uptempo)
KIM I believe in you You know the door to my very soul You’re the light in my deepest, darkest hour You’re my savior when I fall And you may not think, I care for you When you know down inside that I really do And it’s me you need to show How deep is your love? I really mean to learn ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools Breaking us down when they all should let us be We belong to you and me How deep is your love?!
Roy does a two finger whistle. Kim goes to him.
ROY She’s with me! This one here! Me.
Kim claps happily.
KIM And I’ve got another surprise! Play it!
The band starts up a song from Country Joe and the Fish.
KIM Shout it out if you know it!
She claps along.
KIM & BAND Well, come on all of you, big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. He’s got himself in a terrible jam Way down yonder in Vietnam So put down your books and pick up a gun, We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun.
But the song compounded with the heat, catches Roy off guard and not in a good way.
KIM & BAND And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam; And it’s five, six, seven,
Roy sinks to his butt and stares. Kim stops singing.
BAND Open up the pearly gates, Well there ain’t no time to wonder why, Whoopee! We’re all gonna die.
Roy scrapes his palms in the sand. Over and over.
KIM Roy?
BAND Come on Wall Street, don’t be slow, Why man, this is war au-go-go
Kim waves to the band but they continue.
KIM Stop! Stop the song!
BAND There’s plenty good money to be made By supplying the Army with the tools of it’s trade, But just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb, They drop it on the Viet Cong.
The drums are so LOUD. Roy starts with a low moan and his voice builds to a howl.
ROY Shut it, shut it, shut it.
Roy leaps up and climbs onto the stage.
ROY Shut it, shut it, Shut. It. Shut. It.
BAND And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam.
Roy yanks the mic from one of the musicians. The music abruptly stops and the guys yell.
MUSICIAN Whoa, whoa.
MUSICIAN Yo, back off. Back off!
Roy swings around to thrash at the drum-kit.
ROY You don’t know. You don’t know!
The musicians grab Roy in a bear hug. Roy thrashes.
MUSICIAN Yo! Buddy, stop!
KIM Roy! Roy!
Kim scrambles onto the stage and reaches for his clothes. He fights to get loose. Roy shouts at the top of his lungs.
ROY He just wanted to give them chocolate. How could that girl get- they don’t give a fuck! Nobody gives a fuck! They wired the child. Clumps of flesh – in the trees, the grasses, all over me… my friend… my brother.
The musicians carry Roy off of the stage and Kim follows, shocked.
INT./EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – HOLDING ROOM – LATER AFTERNOON
INTERCUT Kim sits on the floor and leans against a door. Roy is on the other side of the door.
KIM Well THAT was an awesome idea!
No response.
KIM Hey, this is great. I can talk and talk and talk you won’t interrupt me! Cool beans.
Silence.
KIM Roy. That’s why I have to be alone. Because I always make such great choices. (pause) Obviously.
ROY Go away.
KIM I’m stupid.
Silence.
KIM I’m worthless. I’m no good. I’m no good for you.
Roy, on the other side, can’t shake it. Two police officers approach. Kim stands.
KIM (loudly) Officers. Thank you for coming. And so quickly! Very impressive. He left, though.
OFFICER AL He’s not here?
OFFICER BE Open the door.
KIM Our friends are driving him back to Philadelphia.
OFFICER BE Step aside please. We have to check.
KIM Sure, you can check, but he left. It was all my fault. My dumb idea triggered this.
OFFICER AL He hurt anyone?
KIM No. He’s a really good man.
Writing a report.
OFFICER AL What’s his name?
KIM Billy.
OFFICER AL Billy what?
KIM Westmoreland.
Roy starts.
OFFICER AL And the people who drove him?
KIM Our friends? Joe McDonald and Jimmy Dean.
OFFICER BE What kind of car?
KIM Oh, I’m terrible with cars. I think it was a Volvo?
OFFICER BE All right. But we have to verify, so if you’ll step aside, please.
Kim moves. Roy has played his usual trick. The officers enter and find the window open. Kim peeks in. The officers, satisfied that he’s gone, leave. Kim hangs for a moment, taps on the door frame, and also leaves. All quiet, Roy emerges from a closet.
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June Fortunato’s Meanings day 8 of subtext
What I learned: I’m writing the second half of act two, so each scene becomes more important, and more complex to write. This takes a lot more thought to write the scene so that it’s important, and also fulfills the assignment.
Kim wants to get back at her brother and Ingrid, so she tears out the garden she planted in their jointly owned house (the house which her brother stole.) Roy thinks that, since she destroyed the garden, he can help her by also suggesting that they destroy the house. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kim reacts viscerally and badly to that idea.
Kim: Knows that Roy’s a veteran so she thinks that getting the band to play the war song will make him happy. Roy: references the Vietnam war all the time, but he’s making light of it because he’s so deeply wounded and hasn’t told anyone the horrors he saw, or was ordered to do. The song, meant to be happy, triggers his PTSD.
THE SCENES
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – BEACH – AFTERNOON – LATER
Roy and Kim watch the waves. They sport a half-empty box of taffy, and finish corn dogs, fries and beer. Roy eases back onto the bench. Relaxed.
KIM This day is stupendous, Roy.
Roy nods.
KIM Good ol’ five finger discounts.
ROY YOU are the PREMO EXPERTO on that, Sugar, Sugar.
KIM I have to be.
ROY I prefer “the mooch” method. But I’m not as “pretty” as I used to be. The babes eyeball me like “here comes granpa…”
KIM I don’t.
Pause.
KIM “To live the mooch life, or not to live the mooch life. That is Roy’s question.”
ROY “To have but three weeks left to stay ‘alive’ – to find an abode and thereby to collect el benefitso”
KIM “Whether or not he’ll survive the hard benches and balcony hideouts, or suffer to do the bidding of the law and thereby take their money but lose his soul.”
Pause. Roy’s astonished. She gets him.
ROY (unsure) They say I can’t live rough anymore… Medically speaking.
KIM Your body or your soul. Catch 22.
Pause. Silence.
KIM <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>My abode was absconded.
ROY We could change that.
Long Pause.
ROY How attached are you to the house?
Kim doesn’t comprehend.
ROY You own the land, too.
No no no. Not up for discussion. Kim leaps up.
KIM They’re building a stage over there. Let’s go see it.
Kim hustles to the stage, leaving Roy in the distance.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – STAGE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
On the beach. Recorded music plays as musicians set up. A banner reads: “Retro 1970s Music Contest.” Roy makes his way to the stage, and Kim already has a mic in her hand. Her laugh fills the air.
KIM One, two, one two. Check one, two.
On mic.
MUSICIAN Welcome to the annual summer 1970s music contest! We have a contestant to kick off the summer! Gather round, folks. Here comes Kim Kirby.
KIM I’m here with a new friend and dedicate this song to him.
She nods to the musicians. They start up the accompaniment to “How Deep is your love”
KIM I believe in you You know the door to my very soul You’re the light in my deepest, darkest hour You’re my savior when I fall And you may not think, I care for you When you know down inside that I really do And it’s me you need to show How deep is your love How deep is your love, how deep is your love I really mean to learn ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools Breaking us down when they all should let us be We belong to you and me How deep is your love?!
Roy claps wildly. Kim goes to him.
ROY Your voice! Huzzah!
She curtsies.
KIM And I’ve got another surprise! Play it!
The band starts up.
We both get to sing along.
KIM & BAND
Well, come on all of you, big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. He’s got himself in a terrible jam Way down yonder in Vietnam So put down your books and pick up a gun, We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun.
But the song catches Roy off guard and not in a good way.
And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam; And it’s five, six, seven, Open up the pearly gates, Well there ain’t no time to wonder why, Whoopee! We’re all gonna die.
PTSD on steroids. Roy is freaking out.
Come on Wall Street, don’t be slow, Why man, this is war au-go-go There’s plenty good money to be made By supplying the Army with the tools of it’s trade, But just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb, They drop it on the Viet Cong.
And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam. And it’s five, six, seven, Open up the pearly gates, Well there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die.
Roy jumps onto the stage and busts a drum-set, stomping it to smithereens. Music stops abruptly. Kim runs after him. The astonished musicians grab him in bear hugs. Roy shouts at the top of his lungs.
ROY
Follow orders, yes sir, yes sir, Skin that woman alive, yes sir, yes sir!! Hear her screams, yes sir yes sir. Die, die. Everybody dies!
Fuck uncle sam, fuck, fuck! what did you do???? Why? Why??? Fuck fuck die!
The musicians carry Roy off of the stage and block Kim from going after him.
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June Fortunato’s Directional FOS patterns.
What I learned: I worried that I couldn’t write my next scene using this assignment, but it made me conceive the scene in a funnier way.
Used: Hiding, Implication, Insinuation, Hint, Allusion.
INT./EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – STEEL PIER – AFTERNOON
Bumper cars. Kim, with an armload of flowers, is at the pay gate. It distracts the attendant while Roy hops over the barrier and eases himself into a car.
ATTENDANT RIDE You can’t take those on.
A girl suddenly appears and sidles up to the young attendant.
GIRL O.M.G. SOOOO Pretty!
KIM Why not?
GIRL I LOVE them!
He points to a sign. “No loose objects permitted.”
ATTENDANT RIDE They’re loose! Read the sign!
GIRL Those would make me SOOO happy.
Mom-like. Confidentially.
KIM Boyfriends always give flowers on a first date.
The girl whispers into his ear. He turns red.
ATTENDANT RIDE (stammers) I… I can’t.
KIM Oh. On my birthday, too! See? My guy is already on the ride.
GIRL That’s so mean. (pause) Hey, why don’t you take the flowers and give her a free ride?
ATTENDANT RIDE I’m not supposed to do that.
KIM Rats.
Kim acts crestfallen.
GIRL Guess he’s a meanie.
Both women turn to leave.
ATTENDANT RIDE Oh, all right!
The girl squeals with delight as Kim gives her flowers to the girl and the attendant lets Kim onto the ride. Kim finds a car in front of Roy’s and then gives the girl a thumbs up. The girl disappears and leaves the attendant hanging.
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June Fortunato’s Dialogue cover ups Day 6 of Subtext
What I learned: Not every scene is appropriate for this technique if one is looking for an ending line. I’ve included new scenes here and used the idea of subtext to change my first draft to contrast Kim’s actions with her words. I think it helped.
ROY I’m stickin with you, kid.
She curtsies and laughs. They eat.
ROY How about you let Old Roy show you the sand and Carnival today in old A.C.
Pause.
ROY I guarantee a far out EX PER I ENCE.
Pause. Serious.
KIM I need to do something first. Will you come with me?
ROY Does a fish eat worms? I’m in.
1. Doesn’t answer: Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: Silence.
2. Action incongruent with words. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy gathers his clothes and walks out the door saying: Roy: Absolutely. Roy leaves.
3. Change subject. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: That was a supremeo breakfast.
4. Attack back. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: What’s the problem with Atlantic City? You got a problem with my plans?
5. Complement them. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: Did I tell you how cool you are to get this place for the night?
6. Threaten them Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: If you don’t come with me right now we may never see each other again.
7. Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: I think the cleaning people are coming in we’d better get out of dodge.
8. Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: I’ve been thinking about Suzy.
9. Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you
come with me? Roy: I love balloons and clowns, don’t you?
10. Distraction. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: Jezuu look at the car down there.
11. Make a joke of it. Kim: I need to do something first. Will you come with me? Roy: Oh so you want us to go on a trip to the moon?
12. Continue the conversation as if nothing happened. Kim: I need to do something first. Will
you come with me? Roy: So like I was saying, there’s a carnival going on in AC.
THE SCENES
ROY I’m stickin with you, kid.
She curtsies and laughs. They eat.
ROY How about you let Old Roy show you the sand and Carnival today in old A.C.
Pause.
ROY I guarantee a far out EX PER I ENCE.
Pause. Serious.
KIM I need to do something first. Will you come with me?
ROY Does a fish eat worms? I’m in.
INT. BUS – MORNING
The closer they get, the more agitated Kim becomes. Roy takes her hand. She allows it and then disengages it. To the driver.
KIM Here.
The bus pulls over in front of Kim & Brian’s house. As they exit, to the driver.
KIM Thank you.
ROY My man! Fine service.
EXT. CABIN – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
Kim strides ahead and then stops to look back at Roy. He follows: eyes on her. She rounds the house and they come upon Kim’s extraordinary garden.
KIM I plant so that something blooms each month. June is one of my favorites.
Roy is moved by the sight. He’s moved by Kim…So unjustly hated.
ROY Psychedelic. Magical.
Kim finds a cake server in her carpetbag. She points.
My Delphiniums.
As she thrusts the cake server into the dirt, and viciously tears them out of the ground.
KIM They grow in several shades but I love this deep purple.
Delphiniums decimated, she moves to a blanket of flowers bursting with color.
KIM And these are my steadfast impatiens.
She mercilessly whips them out, talking to them.
KIM NO. You WILL NOT be coming back next year. No, no, no. It’s not your fault.
Angrier, louder and more violent as she heads for her tuberroses.
KIM And my sweet scented tuberroses. Don’t they smell like angels?
She thrashes and tosses them everywhere.
KIM Oh, don’t I know it??? I KNOW it’s not your time to overwinter. Life is not fair.
She heads to delicate, abundant bursts of color.
KIM MINE! MY GARDEN. MY HOME.
She destroys them with all her might.
MY YARROW. I fed them. I birthed them. (Toward the house) They are not for you!
She gathers them to herself and crawls to the last group of flowers – shouting up to the house.
You smarmy slabs of fat! THESE. ARE. MY. ASTERS!
She slaughters until she’s covered with earth and everything, everything is barren and lay dying. Pause. Roy has watched in wonder and respect. There’s stillness in the house. Kim, covered in dirt, lays down on her flowers. Roy watches in silence. Finally, Roy sits, scoops her up into his arms.
ROY My most outrageous place to crash was in a lighthouse.
Long pause.
KIM Was anybody there?
ROY A blind old man who thought I was his wife.
KIM Blind? But
ROY The light is automated. The wife, she scrammed.
KIM Oh no!
ROY Or maybe she was dead and he fed her to the fish. In any ways, he was glad to have her back so I pretended I was her. He didn’t notice.
She laughs.
KIM It must be fabulous up there.
ROY Fantasterrific. When a bird flies by it’s eyeball to your eyeball. The clouds are wall to wall. And the sound of the wind whistles through your head.
KIM I whistle.
Pause.
KIM Why did you leave?
ROY I helped the old man down the stairs and then walked away. Everything is temporary. It’s better that way.
Pause. Kim nods. She seems grateful.
KIM Let’s go eat some salt taffy.
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June Fortunato’s SYMBOL day 5 of Subtext
What I learned: I changed the symbol I’d intended from Cliffside (not going to happen in Philadelphia!) to Garden. That makes more sense because Garden = Home. The exercise helped me to focus this scene and the rest of the screenplay on this symbol. Good exercise.
BACKSTORY & SYMBOL
The symbol of the garden is introduced on page 10, with the introduction of second lead, Kim, who goes to reclaim her home. It’s used again when she’s in the theatre and pots passion flower seed packets. In this scene, on page 55, Kim explains the meaning of the symbol with her story, and in the following scene (yet to be written) she takes Roy to her garden and then tears it out of the ground.
My introduction of ‘garden’ isn’t as direct as the dog in “As Good as it Gets” but it does symbolize finding home, and Roy becomes home. For Kim, Theatre also feels like home. For Roy, Kim feels like home.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE – LATER
They sneak in and burst out laughing, pull out their hidden wine bottles and sprawl out onto the couches.
KIM What’s the best place you ever crashed?
ROY Better than this one?
Kim laughs.
KIM How about the most devious place?
ROY Supremo challenge. After you!
KIM My most devious place was in my own home.
Pause.
ROY I believe this requires both of us to have more wine as you are IN EX PLICK able.
Kim laughs. He pours more wine.
KIM The night my swindler brother and his sex toy kicked me out, they invited their snooty friends to celebrate. They sat in MY GARDEN! And drank MY bottle of Dom Perignon. I walked right in. Nobody noticed. I was invisible.
ROY Maggots.
KIM I stayed a month.
ROY Unseen?
KIM An apparition!
ROY Now that’s “Out of sight!”
KIM My mission was to make them think they were losing their minds. Their appointments cancelled. Things got moved and then moved back. They accused each other. One night when Ingrid was tearing Brian a new one, I left a tea kettle on the stove, shrieking. That fight was so bad, Brian went to a hotel. After that, I upped the game. Her car had blood on it. Windows were cracked. Clothes were torn and bleached. Ingrid was spooked! Finally, when Ingrid was in MY bathtub with her lover, I lit a fire under the tub and stormed out.
ROY That was the end of that lover.
KIM No, that lover was the man you saw trying to take me to Belmont. The smarmy creature from the lagoon.
ROY Ingrid must have quite the skills in the sack-o-la.
KIM And other places.
Pause.
ROY You won.
KIM Can you win? Against people who haunt you?
Silence. They get lost in their own pasts. Kim gets bedding and brings it to the couch. She snuggles next to him, and covers both of them.
KIM Sleep?
He nods. Roy puts his arm around her. The comfort takes both of them to a new place. In the quiet:
KIM I miss my garden.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE – THE NEXT MORNING – EARLY
Kim wakes Roy with a whisper.
KIM We have to be quiet.
He nods.
We can’t stay.
She points to the shower and goes.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE – A LITTLE LATER
When Roy emerges, Kim has breakfast waiting.
KIM Courtesy of a meeting down the hall.
Puts on his “Bogart.”
ROY I’m stickin with you, kid.
She curtsies. She laughs. They eat.
ROY Want to go to Atlantic City? There’s a carnival there.
KIM Yes! But first, I want to show you my garden.
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June Fortunato’s subtext scene. Day 4 Designing scenes with subtext. For Retirement. What I learned: This is an extremely fun assignment. I am slightly worried it’s too much description.
BACKGROUND
Roy, dressed in his “courtroom” suit, is camped out on an unused balcony above the Garden Ballroom at the Bellevue hotel. Below, an extravagant event wraps up. Carving stations, a huge central round table of roasted veggies, dips, antipasto and desserts remain. And several bars. Open wine bottles grace tables where the doctors sat. All of this awaits Roy as soon as the pesky doctors thin out. Meanwhile, Kim, has snagged an elegant bedroom suite at the Bellevue and that’s where she’s camped out. But she follows the hotel events listings, and now, dressed in a suit ‘borrowed’ from the theatre, is there for the same reason as Roy. To enjoy the gourmet food and drink. Roy and Kim haven’t seen each other since Roy rescued her from her brother at the hospital. On their first meeting, Roy and Kim were instantly attracted to each other.
The band packs up, and few doctors linger. Now’s the chance. Roy looks over the balcony one more time. A familiar woman, KIM! saunters in. OMG, she’s playing the same game. Who wouldn’t love this woman? Roy rushes down the unused staircase and calms himself as he enters. He greets a few of the departing doctors.
Doctor.
Doctor.
No wiseass remarks now- Roy is hell bent to connect with KIm.
Kim is already there, making small talk with the band as she heaps as much shrimp, dessert, antipasto as possible onto her plate. Kim plays into their stereotypes of women as part of this game. She says things like: You know how women are. I couldn’t stop talking. I was so engaged that I forgot to eat. Anyway, women don’t really eat in front of unfamiliar men.
Roy takes finds a place on the opposite side of the round table. Kim’s chatting, and carrying on and hasn’t seen Roy yet. An annoyed waiter wants this event to end. Kim asks for wine. Roy, opposite, and also loading a plate, asks for a beer.
Their eyes connect. She laughs.
He’s thrilled.
They have to play it cool.
The meaning of the subtext? They’re not supposed to be there.
The cover up– they pretend to be doctors and have to act that way to each other- even though they recognize each other and want to greet each other.
The cover up is for the real doctors, waiters and band. And the catering manager.
When will the meaning be revealed? When Roy’s BS doctor talk is completely off-center and the drunken doctor who’s pursuing Kim, notices.
How? Roy, in pursuit of Kim, spouts to make her laugh.
The waiters know something IS OFF.
Roy slides around the table toward Kim- but Kim is intercepted by a semi-drunk doctor who finds her attractive and is getting too close to Kim. That doctor obviously wants to finish the night with Kim. In his room.
MISINTERPRETATION. The doctor is willing to buy Kim’s doctor fraud for a fun night. But she says she brought her husband, and beckons to Roy. COVER UP.
COMPETITIVE AGENDAS. Roy and the Doc compete for Kim. Kim has to navigate the situation slickly. The waiters want them all to go. The band watches amused.
THE SCENE
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – 19TH FLOOR – GARDEN ROOM – LATE NIGHT
Glorious antipasti and open wine bottles remain on a central table for the few doctors who linger. Roy sneaks a peek over the balcony and his heart pounds. Kim is below! She saunters into the ballroom to play the same game. Who wouldn’t love this woman??? Roy rushes down and composes himself at the entrance. He passes a group of doctors as they leave.
ROY Doc-TOR.
DOC 1 Doctor.
ROY Gotcha covered.
DOC 2 Good night.
ROY Adios.
DOC 3 Night.
ROY See you on the flip side.
Kim, at the antipasti table, heaps as many shrimp, veggies and desserts onto her plate as possible. Kim plays into the expected female stereotype to a nearby doctor.
KIM (pretend fawning) You know how women are. I was so engaged that I forgot to eat!
Roy takes a plate on the opposite side of the table. A waiter tries to remove a platter full of food but Roy gives him his empty plate and takes the platter.
WAITER Sir, this event ended.
ROY Fantabulous. Slipped in like a knife on a bone.
Kim looks up and spots Roy! She laughs. To the waiter.
KIM Could I have a glass of burgundy?
ROY And I’d like a beer.
This fries the waiter. He goes to get the drinks. A drunk doctor moves in on Kim.
DRUNK DOCTOR Why don’t I buy you wine in the bar and we can get to know each other?
The doc tries to help her carry her plate but she wrestles it back. She’s surprisingly strong. The flirting disturbs Roy. Roy moves in.
ROY Oh, Doctor, doctor Kim! How co-inki dinky. I didn’t think we’d meet at this confab!
To the drunk doctor.
ROY We know each other.
KIM We were in med school together.
ROY In OH HIGH O.
Kim moves toward the door and snags a bottle of wine on the way out. Roy follows.
ROY I’m tired, myself. Too much bone talk.
He grabs several bottles of wine as they flee. The waiter returns with Kim & Roy’s drinks and sees them exit.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – 19TH FLOOR – GARDEN ROOM LOBBY & STAIRCASE
Roy leads Kim to his secret door and they narrowly escape the sight of hotel staff. They have to be really, really quiet! They suppress giggles as they climb. A pantomime. She’s impressed. They eat quietly, staring at each other. Finally, when the ballroom goes dark and all is quiet, Kim signals Roy to follow her. Kim leads Roy to her suite.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE – LATER
They sneak in and burst out laughing, pull out their hidden wine bottles and sprawl out onto the couches.
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June Fortunato’s Subtext Relationship Day 3
What I learned: I posted some of these scenes earlier, but now update. I love this lesson and want to scrub through my script to highlight the subtext. Because of this lesson, I rethought the idea of my bank scene (previously written out of order and now worthless) to include the opponent. It feels slightly contrived to me but it does tighten the arena. I do have 5 VIP characters, but there are usually ONLY TWO INTERACTING at the same time. It’s not until the climax that Roy, Kim and Brian interact in the same scene- for the battle.
I’m writing chronologically, because scenes written out of order end up thrown away. I’m trying to get the draft done by the class on the assignment list.
Three characters featured in these scenes: Roy Dent, Kim Kirby, Brian Kirby
Character Name ROY DENT lead Love interest with Suzy then with Kim Subtext Identity Angry, resentful, unforgiving of past Vietnam War veteran Character Traits Wiseass, quick wit, protective, defensive
Subtext Logline Roy mooches off of everyone to avoid being part of the system. His veneer is an easy going guy but underneath- a raging fire. Inside, he’s vulnerable and seeks companionship.
Possible areas of subtext Persuasive, desperation, resentment, terror, charmer.
Character Name KIM KIRBY lead love interest with Roy Subtext Identity Upper middle class disenfranchised spirit wounded woman fights to get what she deserves. Character Traits Puts on a show of fearlessness, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Talented performer. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Quick wit. Escape artist. Free spirit.
Subtext Logline Kim plays sexy cute but underneath, she’s afraid to trust and will run as soon as anyone gets too close. She wants to love, she wants to fully express herself, but she’s afraid she will be shut down by others if she does. It’s easier to be a rule breaker. That’s what’s
expected of her.
Possible areas of subtext Fear. Sneaky. Wild. Vulnerable. Retaliatory. Vengence.
Character Name BRIAN KIRBY Opponent Kim’s thieving brother
Subtext Identity Bank owner/CPA who’s great at embezzling and well connected to powerful people. Character Traits Weasel, spineless. Self-serving, subservient to wife, zero empathy, will burn anyone to keep himself afloat.
Subtext Logline Brian does the bidding of his wife who is a prestige wife- half his age- to make inroads into bigger and bigger corporations from whom he can embezzle. He has stolen almost everything from his sister, Kim to please his trophy wife. Now he aims to institutionalize Kim to get rid of her permanently.
Possible areas of subtext Luring, sabotaging, pretending, lying, baiting, entrapping, sucking up.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM HALLWAY – AFTERNOON
Kim emerges from the locker room in her lovely bathing suit and heads for the pool. A woman barracuda drags a reluctant front desk girl behind her to find Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns. Shoot! Quick snapback.
KIM Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM No. No. Your account is suspended.
KIM That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that. Don’t you update your records? That was a year ago. I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They can straighten this out for you.
KIM You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – CONTINUOUS
Moving like a wounded rabbit, “Old-Mode” Roy beats back his fears, lifts a backpack and is almost out the door. If he was Kim, he’d chant: “I’m OK, I’m strong. I am good.”
Tara enters.
TARA Caught you! You can’t escape without saying goodbye!
ROY Tara O’hara, you snoop.
TARA New clothes! You look good!
ROY Don’t compliment me. I’ll think you want something. Besides, they’re rubbing like sandpaper on an eyeball.
Tara laughs.
TARA I’m going to miss your wiseassedness. Roy, be careful with that wound. Keep it clean.
He studies her. Then Roy makes for the door.
TARA You have to wait for the wheelchair!
ROY For my soldier’s parade! Everybody waves and then “off you go” Dumped at the door. “See YA!”
He tries to get past her again. Pause.
ROY It appears that you are impeding my future.
TARA I brought you some things. Look. TWO turkey sandwiches (whispers) with cranberries. And bugles… and
Suzy enters.
SUZY The villagers are already whining. Who’s gonna change Oma’s channel? Did you tell him?
TARA I was waiting for you.
SUZY Everyone on the floor pitched in.
She flashes a fan of five and ten dollar bills.
SUZY 153 dollars.
Hands it to him.
And here’s another 50.
She takes it from her pocket.
TARA I got cha too.
Tara gives him another 40 and two tiny bottles of Jim Beam. Pause.
SUZY Should I ask? Where’re you staying tonight?
Pause. Suzy pushes the guilt she feels away and Tara watches Suzy’s face.
TARA I hate goodbyes so… DO NOT! Come back broken Roy Dent!
Tara leaves. Suzy and Roy look at each other.
SUZY Before you go, you have to meet someone.
ROY Life awaits.
Attendant Tim appears with a wheelchair.
SUZY Take a few minutes. It could change your life.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
Kim glides like a ghost through the halls checking for unlocked doors. A cleaning cart holds the door to a suite open. Kim watches and pretends to look at her phone. Inside, two ladies zoom through a cleaning.
LADY 1 One dollar!
LADY 2 What?
Lady 1 shows a one-dollar tip.
LADY 1 A whole week. I hate weddings.
LADY 2 Damn mess. At least it’s Monday. Nothing’s ever in here on Monday.
LADY 1 One dollar. One dollar.
They finish. Lady 2 goes to the next room and opens the door. As Lady 1 pushes the cart out, Kim snags the door and sneaks in.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
Wow!
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT
Roy follows Suzy and Tim follows both of them with an empty wheelchair. They get to Marilyn’s room.
SUZY Roy, I want to explain…
But Roy turns toward the exit.
ROY Gotta go, Suzy Q. See you in the next life.
He heads out.
SUZY Roy!
Tara comes out from Marilyn’s room.
TARA Why does everyone want to escape us?
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – BANK – LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Roy sits on a bench across from a bank, eats one of his sandwiches and watches. He tamps down the boiling anger he feels at being ‘alive’ and at having to do this. Roy crosses the street and looks into the door. An employee – a bank minion dressed in cheap clothes – comes out and lights up a smoke. She pretends to look away and watches him from the corner of her eye.
ROY I used to smoke.
Silence.
Yes, sir yes, sir. Do you love it?
No response.
I’ll bet you love it.
She backs away slightly.
I was damn impressive. Some mornings, I could hock a loogie the size of a rat. Yes sir yes sir. And were they ever gooie looies! What memories. Luckily, someone died and I got his lung. Want to see the scar?
The girl backs away. Inside, an admin appears behind the door and pokes her head out.
ADMIN He’s here.
She jabs her cigarette into a sand bucket and hurries inside. Roy grits his teeth.
ROY Hold the door.
But, of course, the door has closed. Roy turns to leave and the twist jolts his shoulder with pain. It’s a comeuppance. He forces his “old Roy” personality, turns back and enters.
INT. BANK – LOBBY
The place is spic and span and the employees stand shoulder to shoulder like suspects in a police line up. Roy walks through them and comes face to face with none other than Kim’s grotesque brother, Brian – who’s the focus of the fanfare.
Into Brian’s face.
ROY Great place to embezzle money, right, Bry Bry?
Brian’s smugness folds. Delighted, Roy makes for the door.
ROY Watch your money in this EEE STAB LESH MENT folks. Care FULL ly.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
Kim dreamily soaks in a ginormous bathtub and suddenly erupts singing the classic from Bob Marley, 1994.
KIM Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. When you were eight, and you had bad traits, you go to school and learn the golden rule. So why are you acting like a bloody fool, if you get hot you must get cool.
Sound crosses over into the next scene.
Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you.
EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SIMULTANEOUS
Roy watches as large box of French baguettes is delivered to the curb of the Bellevue hotel. He snags one for his backpack and enters the hotel.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Crowded. A group of doctors chat and Roy joins the group.
OLD DOC Of course, the Glenohumeral fractured.
ROY Typical – especially in broke down old farts.
Pause. Who is this guy?
ROY My meth ED O LOGY is to break the guy’s other shoulder and even him out.
The doors open and the doctors exit the elevator at high speed.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – 19TH FLOOR LOBBY – CONTINUOUS
The doctors follow the sounds and aromas of catering and a big band into the gorgeous Garden ballroom. Tucked into the side of the lobby, Roy spies a service door to a narrow staircase. At the top there’s a tiny, dusty balcony. The floor is laid with pipes. Roy sneaks a peek below. Doctors graze. Roy’s found his new pad complete entertainment, and when the doctors leave, dinner.
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June Fortunato’s Subtext Characters for Retirement DAY 2
What I learned: Interesting take on subtext as character. I’ve previously thought of it as moment to moment.
Character Name ROY DENT lead
Subtext Identity Angry, resentful, unforgiving of past Vietnam War veteran Character Traits Wiseass, quick wit, protective, defensive
Subtext Logline Roy mooches off of everyone to avoid being part of the system. His veneer is an easy going guy but underneath- a raging fire.
Possible areas of subtext Persuasive, desperation, resentment, terror, charmer.
Character Name KIM KIRBY lead
Subtext Identity Upper middle class disenfranchised spirit wounded woman fights to get what she deserves. Character Traits Puts on a show of fearlessness, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Talented performer. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Quick wit. Escape artist. Free spirit.
Subtext Logline Kim plays sexy cute but underneath, she’s afraid to trust and will run as soon as anyone gets too close.
Possible areas of subtext Fear. Sneaky. Wild. Vulnerable. Retaliatory. Vengence.
Character Name NURSE SUZY WELSH- Ally
Subtext Identity Selfless Nurse who takes care of everything above and beyond. Character Traits Warm, receptive, smart, organized, in charge, overworks, goes out on a limb for the vulnerable. Very difficult to say no.
Subtext Logline Suzy keeps trying to dump Roy, to limit her involvement, but her underlying fear of loss and indirection keeps driving her forward. She will use her insecurity to keep others in line.
Possible areas of subtext Fear of stillness and quiet. Keeps everyone else juggling.
Character Name TARA Ally
Subtext Identity Nurse, second in command and loyal friend to Suzy- great caregiver Ally Character Traits She’s kind, a bit weary – easily stressed- a lot of stress at home Forthright fast comeback- not reluctant to speak Loyal friend. Easily charmed. Quick wit. Energetic, except when she’s exhausted. Sincere. genuine.
Subtext Logline Just get through the day. Just keep it uplifted, don’t go under. Push back.
Possible areas of subtext Acts strong. Acts nonchalant. Acts weary. Veneer.
Character Name MARILYN CARTER Ally
Subtext Identity Formerly a concert flutist for the orchestra, well established has distanced herself from almost everyone in her life. Now she’s in desperate need of people to trust. Character Traits Afraid to bond for fear of loss. Afraid of being crushed. Keeps a polite distance to be civil but unengaged. Insistent and painstaking. Fears her own vulnerability and frailty.
Subtext Logline Must protect the dogs at all cost and use any and every means of manipulation.
Possible areas of subtext desperate to take care of the pets she knows will be loyal to her, afraid they too, will abandon her- She will manipulate anyone she thinks can solve her problem.
She’s willing to lose everything but her dogs.
Character Name BRIAN KIRBY Antagonist
Subtext Identity Corporate CPA who’s great at embezzling and well connected to powerful people. Character Traits Weasel, spineless. Self-serving, subservient to wife, zero empathy, will burn anyone to keep himself afloat.
Subtext Logline Brian does the bidding of his wife who is a prestige wife- half his age- to make inroads into bigger and bigger corporations from whom he can embezzle.
Possible areas of subtext Luring, sabotaging, pretending, lying, baiting, entrapping, sucking up.
Character Name INGRID NEE LITTMAN Antagonist
Subtext Identity Brian’s trophy wife but not for long. Character Traits Manipulative, cruel. Indecent. Player. Self serving, greedy, abusive, ruthless veneer of society politeness. Overbearing. Hard as stone.
Subtext Logline Manipulate anyone and everyone to get what she wants while acting the innocent and vulnerable.
Possible areas of subtext Lying, cheating, blackmail, slandering.
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June Fortunato’s Great Subtext Scene Day 1
What I learned: It’s nice to identify the type of subtext. That’s a new twist.
Subtext and Its Revelation Day 1
The script is TRUMBO
Based on a true story of the House Un American Activities Committee’s chase for Hollywood “communists” (AKA Jewish artists). In the beginning, Trumbo is top of his profession- much sought-after. He works with all of the top actors of the day. Trumbo is a union organizer (seen at a party)- who wants appropriate compensation for all workers- not just the execs.
Next scene is in a movie theatre. The Trumbo family: wife, two kids and Trumbo, watch a premiere. The newsreel prior to the feature introduces his antagonist- a gossip columnist- Hedda Hopper- out to make her fame by tearing down Trumbo and fellow writers- the union organizers – and disparaging them as communists. Trumbo is shown on screen- 40 feet high at the party from the earlier scene. The family is shocked. They leave the theatre. This starts on page 10.
Newsreel
A new CLOSE-UP of Hedda Hopper in her office:
HEDDA HOPPER (ON SCREEN)
…like many of those strikers — and their supporters — a registered Communist.
NOTE LOGICAL AND ALSO UNCONSCIOUS
HEDDA IMPLIES THAT SHE’S REVEALING THE EVIL IN HOLLYWOOD. We get the sense that she’s just trying to boost her career and show how smart she is in the guise of ‘smart
reporter’ she’s whipping this up and misrepresenting it. Oh, and SOMEBODY approved it. BACK TO TRUMBO AND NIKI
As daughter looks at father, surprised — is that true?
NOTE EMOTIONAL
HIS DAUGHTER IS SURPRISED BECAUSE SHE’S BEING TOLD ON THE SCREEN that her father is evil. Subtext is that she doesn’t want that to be true, but might have to believe it. Trumbo doesn’t meet her questioning gaze, just smokes and stoically takes in:
HEDDA HOPPER – UP ON SCREEN
Dwarfing him:
HEDDA HOPPER (ON SCREEN) Which is why we must know: Who exactly was behind that walk-out… and why?
NOTE: EMOTIONAL, LOGICAL AND EXTERNAL
SUBTEXT IS a call to action, and a ‘got-cha’ The gauntlet is thrown.
The scene now CUTS TO various CONGRESSMEN, INVESTIGATORS and AIDES mounting the stairs of the U.S. Capitol.
HEDDA HOPPER (V.O.) (CONT’D) Our elected leaders will find out.
The CAMERA SINGLES OUT a bald, fifty-ish New Jerseyite —
HEDDA HOPPER (V.O.) (CONT’D) Congressman J. Parnell Thomas and his House Un-American Activities Committee.
CONGRESSMAN THOMAS (ON SCREEN) Communism is not some faraway threat; its most dangerous agents are here, controlling the airwaves and movie screens, taking over its employees and their unions. They need to be identified as the enemies they are.
NOTE: EXTERNAL
HEDDA HAS THE POWER of the congressman and government and now Trumbo has the government gunning for him- even though it is not illegal to be a communist.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE – LOBBY – LATER THAT NIGHT The five Trumbos stream out with the audience. When suddenly —
A YOUNG FATHER WITH HIS KIDS Hey, that you in the newsreel…?
NOTE: UNCONSCIOUS AND EMOTIONAL SUBTEXT IS if it was you, pain is coming your way.
It was, yes —
The Father FLINGS Coke into Trumbo’s face, SPLATTERING him —
YOUNG FATHER Traitor —
— terrifying Cleo and the kids before taking off.
DALTON TRUMBO (dripping, calm) No harm done, everybody okay?
NOTE UNCONSCIOUS AND EXTERNAL SUBTEXT IS that was not good that was threatening but he pretends to take it in stride.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAZY-T RANCH – CORRAL – DAY
Mountain, meadow and sky dwarf this fine spread. Trumbo walks along the fence while Niki rides a horse next to him.
NIKI So, are you a Communist?
DALTON TRUMBO I am.
NIKI Is it against the law?
DALTON TRUMBO It is not.
NIK Is That lady with the big hat said you’re a “dangerous radical.” Are you?
DALTON TRUMBO Radical, maybe. Dangerous, only to men who fling Cokes.
NIKI You don’t want to overthrow the government?
DALTON TRUMBO No, we have a good government. But anything good can be better, don’t you think?
NIKI Is Mom a Communist?
No.
NIKI Am I?
DALTON TRUMBO Let’s give you the official test. Mom packs your favorite lunch…
NIKI Salami.
DALTON TRUMBO …and you see someone at school with no lunch — what do you do?
NIKI Share?
DALTON TRUMBO You don’t tell them to get a job?
NIKI (aware she’s being teased) No.
DALTON TRUMBO Offer a loan at six percent?
NOTE: LOGICAL He’s showing how the poor and working class are extorted and given an uneven hand.
NIKI Dad.
DALTON TRUMBO Then just ignore them.
NIKI No.
He studies his oldest daughter with great affection.
DALTON TRUMBO Well, well. You little Commie.
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June Fortunato’s Page Turner! day 10 of Boldness. for Retirement
What I learned: The exercises help. I have much to do to revise what I’ve written so far. I’m writing my screenplay in chronological order. Posted below are pages 46 to 51. I posted some of it for an earlier assignment, but updated it for this one- being freer with comparisons, exaggeration and stating emotions. I’ve laid groundwork for future scenes. Thanks for having a look.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
Playacting “normal” and a little bit dotty, Kim glides to the front desk with Marilyn’s gym pass. As she hands it to the young attendant.
KIM The traffic today! You’d think there was an Eagles game.
The front desk person – one vibrant muscle of a girl, smiles.
FRONT DESK I dunno. I walk everywhere. It warms me up for my workout.
KIM You’re a smart cookie!
This pleases the girl. She slides the pass through a machine and it beeps. Something’s awry. She tries again. Another beep.
KIM That stupid pass. I think it’s bent. (Confidentially) I accidentally sat on it at Fogo de’Chao’s last week.
She laughs.
Oh well! That heifer was worth it.
FRONT DESK Yum. I’ve never been.
KIM I’ll treat you sometime.
FRONT DESK Wow. Cool.
KIM Do you think you can issue me a replacement?
FRONT DESK Sure. No problem. I’ll get right on that.
She returns the pass to Kim.
FRONT DESK Have a great work out.
KIM You know I will.
Oh yeah! She did it again! Kim does a little hop-skip as she gets to the lockers. She peels off her clothes to reveal her lovely bathing suit. Kim heads for the pool. A woman barracuda drags the reluctant front desk girl to find Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns. Shoot! Caught. Quick snapback.
KIM Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM No. No. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that. I had a little mishap. As you can see, I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – CONTINUOUS
Moving like a wounded rabbit, “Old-Mode” Roy beats back his fears, lifts a backpack and is almost out the door. If he was Kim, he’d chant: “I’m OK, I’m strong. I am good.”
Tara enters.
TARA Caught you! You can’t escape without saying goodbye!
ROY Tara O’hara, you snoop.
TARA New clothes! You look good!
ROY Don’t compliment me. I’ll think you want something. Besides, they’re rubbing like sandpaper on an eyeball.
Tara laughs.
TARA
I’m going to miss your wiseassedness. Roy, be careful with that wound. Keep it clean.
He studies her. Then Roy makes for the door.
TARA Wait! You have to wait for the wheelchair.
ROY For my soldier’s parade! Everybody waves and then “off you go” Dumped at the door. “See YA!”
He tries to get past her again. Pause.
ROY It appears that you are impeding my future.
TARA I brought you some things. Look. TWO turkey sandwiches (whispers) with cranberries. And bugles… and
Suzy enters.
SUZY The villagers are already whining. Who’s gonna change Oma’s channel? Did you show him?
TARA Nope. I was waiting for you.
SUZY Everyone on the floor pitched in.
She flashes a fan of five and ten dollar bills.
SUZY 153 dollars.
Hands it to him.
And here’s another 50.
She takes it from her pocket.
TARA I got cha too.
Tara gives him another 40 and two tiny bottles of Jim Beam. Pause.
SUZY Should I ask? Where’re you staying tonight?
Pause. Suzy beats back the guilt and Tara watches Suzy’s face.
TARA I hate goodbyes so… DO NOT! Come back broken Roy Dent!
Tara leaves. Suzy and Roy look at each other.
SUZY Before you go, you have to meet someone.
ROY Life awaits.
Attendant Tim appears with a wheelchair.
SUZY Take a few minutes. It could change your life.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
Kim glides like a ghost through the halls checking for unlocked doors. A cleaning cart holds the door to a suite open. Kim watches and pretends to look at her phone. Inside, two ladies zoom through a cleaning.
LADY 1 One dollar!
LADY 2 What?
Lady 1 shows a one dollar tip.
LADY 1 A whole week. I hate weddings.
LADY 2 Damn mess. At least it’s Monday. Nothing in here for at least a week.
LADY 1 One dollar. One dollar.
They finish. Lady 2 goes to the next room and opens the door. Kim stands close to the cart and turns her back. As Lady 1 pushes the cart out, Kim snags the door and sneaks in.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
Wow!
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT
Roy follows Suzy and Tim follows both of them with an empty wheelchair.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Marilyn looks like a toddler in “time out.”
SUZY Hi Marilyn.
Suzy gets busy with straightening linens.
SUZY This is Roy.
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June Fortunato Writing is Bold! day 9 of Boldness for Retirement
What I learned- this was fun and very easy and quick.
Original- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM No. No. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that. I had a little mishap. As you can see, I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
2 Defensive- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM What is it? Is there a problem?
To the sheepish girl.
KIM What happened?
SUPERVISOR GYM Yes. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM You’re quite mistaken.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that was a year ago. Don’t you keep up with your records?
SUPERVISOR GYM Perhaps it’s our error. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM I’ll go after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
3 Daffy/Looney- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM Girlfriend! Are we going to lunch after my swim?
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM Oh, no no no. I’m all paid up. My executor pays all of my bills.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM He’s such a silly. What a joker. He does this to me ALL THE TIME. As you can see, I’m excellent.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM Oh but dear, I really must work out. My condition gets rather… distorted… without my swim you know.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
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June Fortunato’s ” Extreme Emotion” day 8 boldness
What I learned: “Visual then internal” is a helpful tip. Also, as I write, I find new traits or better ways to express the traits of my characters.
Kim Kirby TRAITS Wounded, angry, betrayed, acts fearlessly, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Veneer of normal and anything but. Sneaky vandalism. Deeply fearful. Kim’s speech? She declares. LOGLINE Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
Kim, playacting “normal” glides to the front desk with Marilyn’s gym pass. As she hands it to the young attendant.
KIM
The traffic today! You’d think it was raining.
The front desk person – one vibrant muscle of a girl, smiles.
FRONT DESK
I dunno. I walk everywhere. It warms me up for my workout.
KIM
You’re a smart cookie!
This pleases the girl. She slides the pass through a machine and it beeps. Something’s awry. She
tries again. Another beep.
KIM
That stupid pass. I think it’s bent. (Confidentially) I accidentally sat on it at Chao’s last week.
She laughs.
Oh well! Some dinners are worth it.
FRONT DESK
Yum. I’ve never been.
KIM
I’ll treat you sometime.
FRONT DESK
Wow. Cool.
KIM
Do you think you can issue me a replacement?
FRONT DESK
Sure. No problem. I’ll get right on that.
She returns the pass to Kim.
FRONT DESK
Have a great work out.
KIM
You know I will.
She did it again. Kim does a little hop-skip as she gets to the lockers. She peels off her clothes to
reveal her lovely bathing suit.
Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman
who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM
Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM
She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM
No. No. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM
That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM
“Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM
Oh that. I had a little mishap. As you can see, I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second
floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM
You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
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June Fortunato’s Visuals Day 7 of Boldness What I learned: There’s a lot I can do in another careful pass to upgrade my writing.
PART ONE Visuals from GALAXY QUEST pages 1-15
vastness of space, a hole in the sky opens, it shudders ever so slightly, Lazarus a purple reptilian-looking alien, His acting is classic Charlton Heston take no prisoners style., sniffing the air. Spectrum, steely determination, expectant glances, enthralled legions of mostly spotty faced male adolescent fans, the intrepid crew, a sexy and improbably body suit, “This is great. They’re going to start eating each other out there.” twit, miserable twit, terminally selfish, mournful expression. exuberance and charm. skulking. tackling him. Alex cringes desperately unhappy, clean cut as Disneyland employees, something odd about them you can’t quite put your finger on, the peculiar fans, bustling, catching snippets, elaborately costumed, earnest fans, this is a complete abortion, chattering at him, we notice something very strange, forlorn, nonplussed, the fans make happy nerdy ‘we sure do’ noises, shakes her head appreciatively.
PART TWO Visual changes from Retirement Word changes
he moves the fridge CHANGE TO He drags the fridge
wrapped in a towel CHANGE TO hidden in a bandana
Suzy walks CHANGE TO Suzy marches
She speaks even louder CHANGE TO she proclaims
Kim sees them staring CHANGE TO Kim responds to their glares
the solemnity suggests a ballad CHANGE TO the sultriness suggests a ballad
Tim helps him CHANGE TO Tim guides him
She promised to watch CHANGE TO She promised to look after
Marilyn is feeling the effects of surgery and anesthesia and can’t bring it to mind CHANGE TO
Dizzy, Marilyn can’t bring it to mind
Ms. Carter looks like she’ll bolt CHANGE TO MS. Carter looks like she’ll scram
Roy’s completely unhappy CHANGE TO Roy’s completely gloomy
Metaphor
Roy is sweet CHANGE TO Roy is sweet- always the lost puppy.
This theatre never hires enough people CHANGE TO This dumpster fire never hires enough
She opens a bag of dog treats CHANGE TO A pied piper, she brandishes dog treats
Comparison
Kim, in her gorgeous stolen bathing suit, luxuriates CHANGE TO Kim, in her gorgeous stolen
bathing suit, glides like Marilyn Monroe as she luxuriates
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June Fortunato’s Hope and Fear in action for Retirement Day 6 of Boldness
What I learned: I’d mapped out the scene but it was too complex, too much for one scene to carry. This scene is part of my plan. Apologies for the lateness of this assignment. I was out of town for 5 days, and now I’m 5 days behind.
Roy Dent Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of authority. Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
Suzy the nurse Welsh Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker for all kinds of things. When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Situation, goal and main threat
Roy is in the hospital.
Goal: The clock is ticking to get a permanent place to live so he has to get out and get himself set- an extremely difficult task.
Threat:
His kidney wouldn’t stop bleeding, so he had an emergency catherization. Now he’s stuck in the hospital for at least another day.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S
Attendant Tim settles Roy into his room after his procedure when Suzy walks in.
ROY
(a bit shaky) FEAR THAT THE SURGERY DID NOT GO WELL
This here’s Tim my old friend but he always pushes me around.
Tim laughs. Suzy looks at Roy’s report.
SUZY
Thanks Tim.
Tim takes his leave.
SUZY
How’re you feeling, Roy?
ROY
Radical. I like to watch when someone shoves a reel of wire up my thigh. And I’ll never need a
cell phone again. You can call me and my kidney will answer.
SUZY
It always did.
Roy laughs. It hurts.
SUZY
Roy. Doc says it went perfectly but we won’t know for at least a day if it’ll stop the bleeding. No
midnight roaming tonight for you.
HOPE BUT ALSO FEAR OF NOT FINDING A PLACE IN TIME
ROY
Ah, Suuz, and I thought you’d go out on the town with me.
SUZY
Yeah. Nah. Busy at nights.
This turns Roy’s mood.
FEAR- SUZY HAS LEFT ME PERMANENTLY
ROY
Fancy pants?
SUZY
No, Wolfgang and Ludwig. You’d like them. They’re big, strong Germans.
Now Roy is completely unhappy. Suzy laughs.
SUZY
They’re dogs. I’m petsitting. Which I’d prefer not to. When you feel better, I’ll introduce you to
their person. She’s here on the floor. Rest. You’ve had a day.
HOPE – SO MAYBE SUZY AND ROY CAN STILL GET TOGETHER
Suzy’s almost out the door.
ROY
I love dogs.
And now Suzy has a plan.
HOPE
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June Fortunato’s Uncertainty scene part 1 -day 5 of Boldness
What I learned – I have watched this movie, Galaxy Quest, at least 40 times, but I never realized the mechanics of the script. This was a very fun exercise and I hope to improve my script with this lesson.
GALAXY QUEST
A group of surviving aliens believes that the Galaxy Quest show (like Star Trek) was real and that the show was a series of historical documents. The race is running for their lives and solicit the actors of the show (whom they think are actual astronauts) to help them beat the enemy who’s determined to annihilate the remaining members of the race. They’ve meticulously recreated an actual, functional ship. The actors are on the ship, in a real adventure. In this scene, they have to depend on a “beam me up scottie” transporter which digitizes someone and then reconstitutes them. The instrument has not been tested.
80 INT. SHIP – DIGITAL CONVEYER ROOM 80
NOTE: AFTER BEING ATTACKED THE CREW MADE IT OUT ON A SHUTTLE CRAFT (HOPE), BUT JASON, THE COMMANDER, IS STILL ON THE PLANET IN SERIOUS DANGER. (FEAR)
Gwen, Alexander and the others watch Jason on a viewscreen.
NOTE: THEY FIND JASON ON THE VIEWER AND THERE’S HOPE THAT THEY CAN GRAB HIM WITH THE TRANSPORTER. (HOPE)
GWEN
Thank God. Are you okay?
JASON
Yeah. But I’ve got Gorignak staring me in the face. I think I can take it though…
NOTE: (FEAR) BUT NO, HE’S GOT A MONSTER LOOKING AT HIM. HE’S UNDERPLAYING IT. HE’S IN TROUBLE.
GWEN
Jason, we’re going to use the digital conveyer to get you out of there.
NOTE: (HOPE) THERE’S HOPE THAT THEY CAN SNAG HIM BEFORE HE GETS SLAUGHTERED.
Jason swipes at the pig lizard. It HISSES at him petulantly.
JASON
The digital conveyer? You mean I’m going to get diced into cubes and sorted up there in a thousand pieces?
NOTE: (FEAR) YEAH, HE COULD BE DECIMATED BY THE UNTESTED TECHNOLOGY.
FRED
Right.
JASON
I’ll take my chances with Gorignak.
The pig Lizard NIPS at Jason. Jason throws a rock at it.
GWEN
Jason, we’ve got to get you out of there. It’s perfectly safe, isn’t it, Teb?
NOTE: (HOPE) WE’RE GONNA GET YOU OUT. WE’RE WORKING ON IT.
TEB
It has never been successfully tested.
NOTE: (FEAR) UNTESTED.
JASON
What? What did he say?
GWEN
Nothing. Hold please.
NOTE: (FEAR) REVELATION.
She switches off the vox, they turn to Teb.
TEB
Theoretically the mechanism is fully operational. However, it was built to accommodate your anatomy, not ours. Our actual hands are six fingered and jointed ninety degrees to yours. But now that Sergeant Chen is here he can operate it… It was designed watching his motions from the historical records. Everyone turns to Fred. For the first time, he looks a little apprehensive. He laughs nervously.
FRED
Well I mean I can’t… I can supervise of course, but…
NOTE: (FEAR) FRED IS JUST AN ACTOR. HE DOESN’T KNOW!
ALEXANDER (TO VOX)
Jason, we’re going to test it.
JASON
Okay… On what?
TOMMY
How about the pig-lizard?
JASON
Hey I was doing okay with the pig lizard.
NOTE: (HOPE) THEY’LL PRETEST SO THEY’LL SAVE JASON FROM THE FIRST TRY.
Alexander and the others move aside to let Fred at the control panel. The controls are complicated, and fit Fred’s hand like metal gloves. Teb GASPS as he grasps the controls.
NOTE: (FEAR) THE CONTROLS ARE COMPLICATED FOR THE ACTOR.
TEB
I’m sorry. It is very exciting to see the master at the controls. The operation of the conveyer is more art than science.
Fred moves his hands and the creature is TARGETED in crosshairs of the instrument panel. He slowly twists his wrist as he manipulates a ever cautiously and….
NOTE: (HOPE) BUT FRED IS ADROIT AND HAS THE TEST CREATURE IN HIS CROSSHAIRS. GREAT SIGN.
81 ON THE PLANET’S SURFACE 81
The pig lizard digitizes and disappears.
NOTE: (HOPE) EXCELLENT. THE TRANSPORTER SNAGGED IT.
82 CONVEYOR ROOM 82
Everyone LOOKS very impressed. Fred starts to smile, “no sweat” as the creature rematerializes on the platform. But something is very wrong. We hear the thing’s HORRIBLE SQUELS over the disgusted reactions of the crew.
NOTE: (FEAR) UH OH. DISASTER.
JASON
What? What?
NOTE: HAVE TO NOTE THE COMEDY OF THE SCRIPT- POOR JASON IS IN THE DARK.
ALEXANDER
(singsong)
Nothing.
JASON
I heard something. A squeal.
GWEN
Oh no. Everything’s fine.
TEB
But… the animal is inside out.
NOTE: (FEAR) THE ANIMAL IS DECIMATED.
JASON
I heard that! It’s INSIDE OUT!
Then the monstrous remains of the creature EXPLODES.
NOTE: HYSTERICAL COMIC TIMING. YOU REALLY SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE.
TEB
And It exploded!
JASON
What? Did I just hear that It came back INSIDE CUT, and ‘then It EXPLODED? Hello?
GWEN
Hold please.
NOTE: THE UNDERPLAYING (MACHINE HUMOR) HEIGHTENS THE COMEDY.
83 PLANET SURFACE 83
Jason looks up to the rock ledge. The unseen DEMONS continue to chant “GORIGNAK… GORIGNAK…
NOTE: (FEAR) IF THE BAD GUY HAS TURNED TO MUSH, WHY ARE THE OTHERS CHANTING THAT NAME?
JASON
Wait, the pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?
GWEN
Turn on the translation circuit.
Teb flicks a switch and we hear the Demons in English.
DEMONS
ROCK… ROCK… ROCK…
NOTE: (FEAR) WHY ARE THEY CHANTING ROCK?
Suddenly Gwen and the others notice that the entire ROCK FACE behind Jason moves slightly, like a granite MUSCULATURE… Jason, facing forward, doesn’t see it.
GWEN
Jason?… I don’t think the pig lizard was Gorignak…
NOTE (FEAR) THE PIG LIZARD WAS THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES.
JASON
What the hell are you talking about?
Behind Jason, the boulders in the wall begin moving forward, EMERGING from the rock face, and a GIANT emerges… A MONSTER made of granite… Jason turns slowly, with a feeling of dread, as he hears the rumbling SOUND of the monster’s body freeing itself from the rock face around It
NOTE (FEAR!!) THIS MONSTER IS UNSURMOUNTABLE
JASON
Oh darn.
NOTE: AGAIN, THE COMIC UNDERPLAYING/ UNDERSTATED DIALOGUE IS WHAT KEEPS ME WATCHING THIS MOVIE OVER AND OVER.
He takes a step back, holding his puny wooden spear.
NOTE: (FEAR) HE HAS A TINY WOODEN SPEAR AGAINST A ROCK WALL???
The ROCK MONSTER steps forward, 20 feet tall. Its face mostly featureless yet ominous and determined and upset, and it heads straight for JASON.
JASON
Guys, digitize me…
NOTE: (HOPE) HE MIGHT GET OUT OF THERE. WE HOPE HE’LL GET OUT IN ONE PIECE. WE (FEAR) THAT HE’LL BE TURNED TO MUSH.
Jason backs away slowly, around the corner, but the monster follows CRUNCH CRUNCH forward…
JASON
Guys…?!!
84 INT. SHIP – DIGITAL CONVEYER ROOM 84
Fred looks genuinely distressed.
NOTE: (FEAR) FRED WORRIES THAT HE’LL TURN JASON TO MUSH AND THAT HE WON’T DO IT RIGHT.
GWEN
C’ non Fred… They based it on YOUR hand movements. Fred backs away, terror on his face… He starts talking to himself nervously…
NOTE: (FEAR) FRED, WHO’S NORMALLY COOL SELF TALKS HIMSELF TO GAIN COURAGE.
FRED
All my professional life they’d say “can you ride a horse” Fred? And I’d say “Of course, since I was a boy!” “Can you fence Fred?” “Funny you should ask, I’ve won six international
competitions.” I learned never to say I can’t do this. You don’t get the part if you say I can’t do this. But this is life or death! May God forgive me Jason but I can’t do this.
NOTE: (FEAR) WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HE DOESN’T BEAM JASON UP? THE ROCK MONSTER WILL SQUASH HIM.
85 ON THE PLANET
Jason is in a FULL OUT RUN being chased by the ROCK MONSTER which STOMPS forward, DEMOLISHING everything in its path.
NOTE: (FEAR) FRED, BRAVE FRED, IS BACKING OUT.
ALEXANDER
Fred’s no good, Jason. You’re going to have to kill it
JASON
KILL IT? Well I’m open to ideas!…
NOTE: (MAYBE HOPE?) DOES SOMEBODY HAVE A SUGGESTION OF HOW TO KILL THIS THING?
TOMMY
Go for the eyes. Like in episode 22 with-
JASON
It doesn’t have eyes.
TOMMY
The throat, the mouth… Its vulnerable spots.
JASON
It’s a ROCK. It doesn’t HAVE vulnerable spots!
GUY
I know… You contruct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?…
JASON
A LATHE??? Get off the line, Guy.’
The monster’s shadow falls over Jason..
NOTE: (FEAR) NORMALLY COOL JASON IS TERRIFIED.
JASON
ALEXANDER??? PLEASE? You’re my advisor, advise me!
ALEXANDER
… . Well you have to figure out what it wants… What’s its motivation?
JASON
It’s a DAMN ROCK MONSTER!!! It doesn’t HAVE motivation!
ALEXANDER
That’s your problem. You were never serious about the caraft… (closing his eyes)
“I’m a rock… I just want to be a rock… Still. Peaceful.. Tranquil..” …”Oh, but what’s this? Something’s making noise… No, not noise, no… MOVEMENT. VIBRATIONS. Make the vibrations stop, they go straight into me like a knife!… I must CRUSH the thing that makes the vibrations…”
JASON
Am I crazy, or do you actually have something there?
NOTE: (HOPE) DOES THE BRITISH ACTOR ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD IDEA?
Jason reaches down and grabs a handful of small rocks. But at that moment the rock monster reaches down and GRABS him in his fist. Jason is carried into the air and dangled above the beast’s mouth. Jason keeps his composure enough to toss one of the rocks at a natural rocky OVERRANG along one wall. The thrown rocks dislodge a few more rocks in the wall which TUMBLE to the ground, making NOISE. The rock monster TURNS toward the sound. The monster drops Jason. Jason lands, throws another rock. The monster CHARGES toward the wall, causing an AVALANCHE, burying the monster. All is still.
NOTE: (HOPE) THE ROCK MONSTER IS BURIED.
86 IN THE SHIP 86
The actors CHEER, but their relief is short lived as…
87 ON THE PLANET – 87
The rubble RE-FORMS and the monster EMERGES, even LARGER than before! It begins to make a beeline for a perplexed Jason.
NOTE: (FEAR) THE THING RECONSTITUTED.
JASON
But I’m not moving, I… Oh no. My heartbeat.
IN THE ROCK MONSTER’S POV we head toward Jason and hear Jason’s heartbeat magnified like a drum, THA-THUMP THA-THUMP.
JASON
Fred? Fred, can you hear me? You’ve got to do this… It’s up to you.
88 ON THE SHIP -. 88
Fred moves to the panel, mortified.
NOTE: (HOPE) FRED IS FINALLY COMING TO FRED
No, I’ll kill you. .
JASON
Listen Fred. You did this for four years on the show. You can do it now… Put your hands on the controls..
NOTE SUPREME EXAMPLE OF DELAY. IN FACT, THE WHOLE SCENE IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF SUSPENSE.
Fred puts his trembling hands on the controls… Sweat pours down his temple.
NOTE: (HOPE) FRED IS GONNA DO IT.
FRED
I don’t know… I don’t know.
The monster picks up speed. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
NOTE: (FEAR) MONSTER IS ZEROING IN.
JASON
Fred, I worked summer stock with Hopkins. Regional theater with Hoffman. But I swear to God I have never met an actor who could hit his mark, or nail his lines with the professional consistency of a Freddy Kwan. You’re Mr. Dependable… You can do this.
FRED
You worked with Hopkins? I worship Hopkins.
Fred draws confidence from these words. The Monster is upon Jason… It raises its fist…
NOTE: (FEAR) JASON IS GOING TO GET CLOBBERED
JASON
Digitize me, Fred.
A moment of concentration – as everybody holds their breath – and then Fred works the controls.
NOTE: (HOPE) FRED IS DOING IT
Jason is STILL THERE and..
NOTE: (FEAR) IT DIDN’T WORK
89 THE MONSTER SMASHES DOWN HIS FIST RIGHT DOWN ONTO JASON…. at the very moment he digitizes.
NOTE: (HOPE) AND (FEAR) FRED GOT JASON BUT WILL JASON COME BACK AS MUSH?
The fist goes right through the scattering blocks. Everybody on ship holds their breath and
watches the..
90 DIGITIZING PLATFORM 90
Jason’s body Instantly DUCKS and CONTORTS to avoid the ROCK FIST that moments ago descended uoon him. Everyone runs up to him as he regains his composure, celebrating, hugging him and patting him on the back. Even Alexander looks relieved, but won’t admit it.
NOTE; (HOPE) JASON GETS BACK IN ONE PIECE!
ALEXANDER
I see you managed to get your shirt off.
NOTE: I TRULY LOVE THIS SCRIPT. IT’S MASTERFUL.
-
June Fortunato’s Hooks day 4 of writing with boldness
What I learned: continuing on with my story: Roy has a new obstacle. Kim has a change in circumstances. Suzy confronts a new situation. Kim and Suzy try to reverse a previous situation. I’m concerned that my story is going sideways, though. I’m cutting scenes from my outline, but I’m on page 43 and although the two leads have coincided, they still need to get together.
SUZY TRAITS Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker for all kinds of things. LOGLINE When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
KIM TRAITS Wounded, angry, betrayed, acts fearlessly, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Distributes goodies as well as steals. LOGLINE Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point. She stays with him for a bit. Despite not wanting it, Roy is sweet. But Suzy’s anxious to go. Tara pops her head back in.
TARA
Hey, sorry but Ms. Carter looks like she’ll bolt if we don’t ….
Suzy gets up.
SUZY
Right. I’m on it.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE- LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Suzy walks in to a disaster. The door pushes pizza boxes and bottles as it opens, and there’s trash on every surface. Woofie and Ludwig hesitate.
SUZY
Woofie! Ludwig. Your mama sent me.
She opens a bag of dog treats and seduces them as she finds their leashes…
SUZY
Nice to meet you. Walk? Go for a walk?
They warm up to her and are thrilled by the leashes and the three zoom out of the door.
INT. THEATRE- STAGE – CONTINUOUS
The top of the piano holds dozens of small PAPER SIP CUPS, each filled with earth. Kim finishes potting Marilyn’s flower seeds and then forms a heart shape with the cups. She places the seed packet in the center: Passion flowers. From off she hears someone enter the theatre
CREW (O.S.)
They NEVER hire enough people.
and Kim “exits stage left.”
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE- AFTERNOON- CONTINUOUS
As Woofie and Ludwig eat dinner, Suzy, on her cell phone, steps around the trashed house.
SUZY
Ms. Carter? It’s Nurse Suzy. Ludwig and Woofie are fine. Yes, yes they’re sweet as can be. I’ve walked and fed them. No, they didn’t leave any messes.
She listens.
SUZY
It’s OK. We all need help sometimes.
As she speaks, the door opens, and zit faced Connor enters with several of his friends- laughing.
SUZY
Let me call you back.
They carry bottles of beer, pizza boxes and stop cold when they see Suzy.
CONNOR
Who’re you???
SUZY
I’m the woman who’s going to make you clean up your mess. You others? OUT. NOW.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE- CONTINUOUS
Kim carries a heavy CARPETBAG – a souvenir from the theatre – as she passes the parking garage she overhears a conversation.
Intercut
INT. PARKING GARAGE
From inside
PARKING MANAGER
You’re lazy.
ATTENDANT 2
I looked. I looked three times.
PARKING MANAGER
How could you lose a VOLVO? A Volvo STATION WAGON??
Outside Kim did not consider the repercussions she would cause.
PARKING MANAGER
Give me your uniform.
ATTENDANT 2
It wasn’t there. It just suddenly showed up!
Outside
KIM
(self talk) Kim, you’re a bitch. You did that. You’re just like your brother. How could you do that to that poor kid? Think! Think!
Inside
PARKING MANAGER
If that woman sues us, you’re going to know what pain is.
ATTENDANT 2
But but
The manager grabs the kid’s jacket and turns his back. The kid, demoralized, walks out and Kim intercepts him.
KIM
This is your lucky day.
He moans. She hands him a bottle of expensive WINE and four theatre TICKETS- courtesy of a “Five finger discount.”
ATTENDANT 2
I lost my job!
KIM
That guy is a jerk. You’re a good kid. Why don’t you try working at the theatre? Go help them and they may hire you. Go on, now.
He considers and starts toward the theatre when she stops him.
KIM
Wait! But don’t bring the wine. Ix nay. Noooo Nellie.
He’s puzzled.
KIM
Trust me. I’m trying to get it right.
-
June Fortunato’s day 3 of Boldness “Suspense” for Retirement What I learned: I configured delays into my planned scene sequence.
Marilyn Self effacing and insecure. Admires others. Goes back on decisions- Super worrier. Charming/polite, Tender hearted. Veneer of self-assuredness. Logline: When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Tara The other nurse. She’s kind, a bit weary – easily stressed- a lot of stress at home Forthright fast comeback- not reluctant to speak Logline: Tara is full of advice, and smart advice- for everyone but she has a hard time seeing herself. She just keeps moving on- moving forward- If she can do that everyday, that’s gold.
Suzy Traits: Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Roy Traits: Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of authority. Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
The scenes pick up where we left off yesterday: Marilyn had emergency surgery-and was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. Her dogs are left alone/in the care of an irresponsible kid- It’s Suzy’s day off but she stops by because Roy had his court hearing. He has a 6 week timeline to get permanent residency or else lose his financial benefits. His kidney is still ruined from the pummeling in the prison.
The Promise: Suzy promises Marilyn that she’ll go to Marilyn’s house to take care of the dogs. What Matters: The dogs are Marilyn’s life. The delay: Suzy also has to placate Roy and feels that his situation is all her fault.
The Promise: Suzy promises that she’ll help Roy get himself a permanent situation. What matters: His life and Suzy’s freedom. The delay: Now Roy has to have surgery and his window of time to find a permanent place is 10 days shorter. Suzy can’t stay to comfort Roy because she’s promised Marilyn she’ll help her.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Suzy enters Marilyn’s room. Marilyn is half out of the bed again.
SUZY
Oh!
Suzy rushes to Marilyn and catches her.
MARILYN
Nuts.
SUZY
You’re still weak. You just had anesthesia.
Suzy gets Marilyn arranged in bed again.
SUZY
It’s too dangerous to get up yet.
MARILYN
My boys need help.
Suzy looks at Marilyn’s chart. Marilyn looks at Suzy’s dress, puzzled.
MARILYN
Are you a pet sitter?
SUZY
I’m Suzy Welsh. Head nurse on the floor. It’s my day off. Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone I’m working.
Nurse Tara told me your pets are in … a situation?
MARILYN
Will you check on them?
SUZY
Whoa.
MARILYN
Please. I can’t get ahold of my neighbor. We’re not good friends- but she promised to watch
them last night. She has no idea I’m not home. My dogs must be frantic.
SUZY
Do you want me to call her?
MARILYN
I couldn’t reach her.
SUZY
Let me try.
MARILYN
Oh. I don’t know where my phone is…
She waves her arm, searching. Suzy finds Marilyn’s phone and hands it to Marilyn. But, in her
state, Marilyn can’t figure out how to unlock it.
SUZY
That’s OK. What’s her name?
MARILYN
Jeannie. Hayne. We live on Delancey Street a few blocks from the hospital. It’s very close by.
Suzy searches the web on her own cell phone. No luck. Tara pops her head in.
TARA
Roy’s room? Doc’s in there.
Suzie nods.
MARILYN
I think maybe it’s unlisted? I can’t…
Marilyn awkwardly tries to get her phone to work. She becomes more and more scattered.
MARILYN
Oh. Oh dear. Oh. I can’t…
Finally, Marilyn gets the phone to recognize her thumbprint.
MARILYN
There.
Marilyn has to lay back, dizzy. Suzy takes her phone and puts it on speaker. It rings. No answer.
SUZY
Maybe they’re at your house? Do you have a landline?
MARILYN
Yes. Yes. My number is
Marilyn is feeling the effects of surgery and anesthesia and can’t bring it to mind.
MARILYN
Home. It’s in my phone as ‘home’
Suzy finds it and rings Marilyn’s home. The receiver lifts, there are giggles, teenaged curse
words, more laughs, and then the phone goes dead. Marilyn panics.
MARILYN
That child is not trustworthy.
Tara pops her head in again.
TARA
Doctor is leaving.
MARILYN
Please, Nurse, will you go to my house? Will you go and take care of my babies? I’ll pay you?
Marilyn moves to stand once again.
TARA
Don’t!
SUZY
Stay down! OK OK, I’ll go. Stay put or you’ll never get better.
Tara looks at Suzy apologetically.
SUZY
I’ll be right back.
Suzy leaves with Tara.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
TARA
I am SOOOOO sorry. I ruined your day off. I owe you.
SUZY
What’s up with Roy?
TARA
Surgery. Catheter Embolization.
SUZY
Uh oh.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – CONTINUOUS
The doctor is no longer there.
ROY
Looks like I’m up for another tour of duty.
SUZY
Hi Roy.
ROY
Doc says he wants to employ operation “burn the urine.”
TARA
Yeah, but, Roy! You could have 10 more days of hot turkey and free room service.
SUZY
Roy’s on a timeline.
ROY
So far, my plan to stay in the hospital is Super Duper “WINNER.”
TARA
Gotta go.
Tara bolts. Suzy’s at the door. Pause.
SUZY
I’ve got to go too, Roy.
ROY
Big date with Fancy Pants?
SUZY
No. No.
She can’t tell him why she dated Denny- Why encourage that again?
SUZY
Not necessarily 10 days, Roy. Some people leave the same day as the procedure. But you need a
place to heal.
ROY
Sit with me?
He pats the side of the bed. Suzy sits and rubs his forehead.
SUZY
I might have an idea.
-
June Fortunato’s “Anticipatory Dialogue” Day 2 Boldness
What I learned: I added a scene in-between what I’d posted earlier and show it here. I also continued writing after the court scene. For the sake of continuity, I include them all.
Roy Traits: Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of authority. Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
Kim Traits: Wounded, angry, betrayed, acts fearlessly, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Suzy Traits: Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker for all kinds of things. Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Tara
Marilyn Traits: Self effacing and insecure. Admires others. Goes back on decisions- Super worrier. Charming/polite, Tender hearted. Veneer of self-assuredness. Logline: When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – NIGHT
Roy heads for one last wiz before he hits the wild. He stares at a nice suit, left for him to wear in the morning. But in the toilet blood. A lot of blood.
INT. THEATRE- NIGHT
The stage is bare except for a sole GHOST LIGHT and a BABY GRAND. Kim has found her place. She sets a GLASS of WINE and CHOCOLATES on the piano and crosses down center. She looks into the empty house and opens her arms wide.
KIM
My friends I’ve missed you so.
She goes to the piano, slides her hand seductively across the top, takes a leisurely sip of wine and sits down to play. The solemnity suggests a ballad. She tests the keys, warms her voice, and then accompanies herself with sudden vigor.
KIM
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous, Mademosielle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous, Mademoiselle from Armentieres, She hasn’t been kissed for forty years, Hinky-dinky Parlez-vous. She might have been young for all we knew, Parlez-vous, She might have been young for all we knew, Parlez-vous, She might have been young for all we knew, When brother and wifey took her loot, Hinky-dinky parlez-vous. She never could hold the love of a man, Parlez-vous, She never could hold the love of a man, Parlez-vous, She never could hold the love of a man, Until she met the guy from Nam, Hinky-dinky Parlez-Vous, I didn’t care what became of me, Parlez-Vous I didn’t care what became of me, Parlez-Vous I didn’t care what became of me so I went and joined the indigency, Hinky-dinky Parlezvous,
DISSOLVE TO:
The music continues under the next scene as people file into the courtroom.
INT. COURTROOM- THE NEXT MORNING
Roy wears the suit. Suzy watches from the viewing area. The judge examines the papers.
KIM & ROY (V.O.)
They say they do it out of love, Parlez-vous, They say they do it out of love, Parlez-vous- They say do it out of love, they take our rights and give us a shove, Hinky Dinky- Parlez-vous.
Settling noises; throat clearing.
JUDGE I understand that both sides have negotiated a deal.
DENNY Yes, your honor.
LAWYER 2 Yes, we have, your honor. We agree to accept compensation and drop charges, your honor.
JUDGE
Mr. Dent, in light of the fact that you were evidently a man of valor, and have compensated your debts, I will grant this full exoneration on one condition… You have six weeks. Six. To establish a permanent residency. Do you understand?
DENNY Yes your honor.
JUDGE Mr. Dent?
ROY Yes, sir. Yes sir. Six weeks.
JUDGE Six weeks, or you will permanently lose your financial benefits.
DENNY Thank you, Sir, for your extraordinary efforts on behalf of Mr. Dent.
JUDGE I’m a fellow veteran. And a human. We lapse.
Roy salutes him.
LAWYER 2 Thank you, sir.
The judge bangs his gavel. All rise. The judge leaves. Suzy hugs Roy.
SUZY You did it, Roy. You did it! Be happy.
DENNY La Croix?
SUZY That sounds wonderful.
Suzy and Denny leave. Roy stands there. Finally, Hospital attendant Tim helps him into a wheelchair, and he is pushed out.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY-SUZY’S STATION – AFTERNOON
The phone rings. There’s no one there to answer it.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Tara settles a groggy Marilyn into her bed.
MARILYN I have to go home.
TARA Ms. Carter, you just had surgery.
MARILYN My dogs. I can’t get ahold of my neighbors.
TARA Is there someone else you can call?
MARILYN I’ve got to go home.
Marilyn tries to get up and gets twisted. Pain!
TARA Ms. Carter, please. Don’t bend. Your hip won’t set right and you’ll fall again.
Tara repositions Marilyn.
MARILYN They can’t wait. My babies are desperate by now.
TARA And there’s no one else?
MARILYN My daughter lives in London.
Tara sympathizes.
TARA Let me see what I can do. I’ll make some calls. In the meantime, don’t shift. You may have already displaced that joint.
Tara walks out of the room.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY-SUZY’S STATION – AFTERNOON
Call lights are above several doors. Tara is stressed – and then sees Suzy at the station.
TARA Hero of the day.
SUZY Hey Tara. Picking up my keys.
TARA You didn’t learn your lesson?
In the manner of “Roy.”
SUZY “In-ten-tional.” I left them when we took Roy over.
TARA Sooo – no big plans with Mr. Fancy Pants on your day off?
SUZY Didn’t tell him I have off. But if you ever feel rich, get treated to La Croix.
TARA I’ll bet. … Suzy…
SUZY What’s up?
TARA Slammed.
SUZY OK.
TARA Hand holding.
SUZY Uh Huh.
TARA Sweet lady. Older. She didn’t expect to be admitted. Her pets are alone.
SUZY I got this.
Suzy heads for Marilyn’s room – as she goes.
SUZY Roy get back OK?
TARA He’s in there, moping about Fancy Pants. And the new antibiotic isn’t working.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Suzy enters Marilyn’s room.
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June Fortunato’s Anticipation Scene Day 1 writing with boldness
“What I learned doing this assignment is…I read several scripts to find something that’s racheted up enough for the assignment. While I love Trumbo and wanted to make that one work- the pace is different. This assignment calls for thriller/action movies to fit the bill. The film is Argo. Based on a true story of the Iranian Hostage Crisis: 1979-80. This is the climax
of the film.
Synopsis of Argo to the climax scene
Getting diplomats out of the Iran is a heartbeat away from execution. Everyone is out for the blood of an American. Iranians storm the USA embassy- the diplomats shred as much info as possible and escape to the Canadian embassy. Nonetheless, after the USA embassy is taken over, Iranian children paste together the shredded US documents- some of which contain the photos and ID info of the diplomats who fled. Intercut throughout trying to get the hostages out, the film shows the images slowly pasted together.
In the USA, A fake film production company is set up to rescue USA diplomats in Iran. The plan to rescue the diplomats is to have them pose as filmmakers, who’re on a location scout for a science fiction movie. Each of the diplomats memorizes a different role to become one of the crew: writer, director, cinematographer, etc. In the USA, a script is written, script in hand reading given – including costumes, big publicity spread in a magazine -storyboards- and it’s all top secret – all done to help convince the Iranians of the authenticity of the project. The six go to the market bazaar to pretend to scout the location- and are photographed by the Iranians- all part of the USA plan to make this look legitimate.
The fixer and inventor of the project, played by Ben Affleck, has a rough time convincing the diplomats to do it. The pressure is cranked to an extreme by this point- and the diplomats finally agree to go to the airport.
They must pass through two checkpoints at the airport to be allowed onto the plane. Meanwhile, in the USA, and unknown to the diplomats – the USA decided to instead, do a raid, so they’ve called off the mission and cancelled the diplomats’ plane tickets. The film production office is shut- and they go out to dinner.
In this scene, the Iranian officials try to verify the office and the phone rings without answer. This sequence is with the diplomats at the airport as the plane waits on the tarmac:
INT. WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF OFFICE – NIGHT (PRESENT)
Jordan is in a meeting with two staffers, his feet up on the desk. His secretary opens the door without knocking, hurries to Jordan, whispers something in his ear. He immediately grabs the phone.
JORDAN Hello?
O’DONNELL (V.O.) Jack O’Donnell from C.I.
JORDAN Wait — WHO — ?
O’DONNELL (V.O.) Tehran Houseguest operation is ready NOW. We don’t have the President’s go-ahead. They are going to be captured.
Jordan stands up with the phone.
JORDAN (yelling out his door) DAVID! Pick up!
INT. KOMITEH HQ – MORNING The office we visited earlier. A YOUNG KOMITEH comes up the stairs again. This time, he’s RUNNING.
NOTE: The Iranians have pictures of one of the diplomats- and there’s a match with a picture taken at the location scout in the bazaar. Will they get through the checkpoints in time?
KHALKALI, the fiery guy who came to the residence, along with two YOUNG KOMITEH compare (one who delivered the pictures): on one side, copies of re-assembled diplomatic photographs of Americans from the embassy — like the ones of the Houseguests we saw early in the film — and, on the other side, the candid photographs from the bazaar.
NOTE: the diplomats do not know that their tickets were cancelled and are walking into a trap.
INT. CIA – THE PIT – NIGHT
LAMONT Telex on Flash. The telex begins to print, line by line… EYES ONLY — OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES — HOLLYWOOD OPTION APPROVED — GOOD LUCK. (*Carter White House telex, 1/29/1980.) O’DONNELL Copy D.S.! Confirm the tickets! GO!
NOTE: At the last second, their tickets are reinstated. Will they be confirmed at the airport?
INT. SWISSAIR COUNTER (MEHRABAD) – MORNING Mendez’s and the Houseguests’ passports sit on the counter.
SWISSAIR REP I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have those reservations…
NOTE: this could be the death knell for the diplomats.
(a line in the film was added: Can you please check again?)
SWISSAIR REP looks at some green text on her screen, hits another button.
SWISSAIR REP My apologies. They just came through. She hits another button and tickets start to print.
INT. CIA – THE PIT – NIGHT
MALINOV (to O’Donnell) Swissair says they’ve picked up the tickets.
O’DONNELL Get the L.A. office — tell them to be ready in case they call. We told them to shut that down!
NOTE: We know the men were told to shut down, and went to dinner- so they’re not there for a phone call.
He RUNS toward a phone —
MEHRABAD AIRPORT – FIRST CHECKPOINT – MORNING The PASSPORT OFFICIAL is looking at the Canadian passports of the six and waving them through. Mendez has already passed. Everyone except Kathy Stafford. The Passport Official looks at Kathy, who is doing her best to look friendly and casual. Then he looks at Kathy’s passport, in which she looks stern and angry. Kathy Stafford smooths down her hair, frowns like she * does in the passport photo. The Passport Official half smiles and waves her through.
They’ve all cleared the first checkpoint.
INT. KOMITEH HQ – MORNING Khalkali comes upon a diplomatic photograph of a man with glasses. He starts to leaf through the photographs from the bazaar.
QUICK CUT TO:
EXT. BAZAAR – POV OF THE REVOLUTIONARY GUARD PHOTOGRAPHER – DAY Mark Lijek being photographed at the bazaar the previous day.
QUICK CUT BACK TO: INT. KOMITEH HQ – MORNING KHALKALI — looks at the black and white still of Mark Lijek, compares it to his diplomatic picture, the first portrait we saw of Mark toward the beginning of the film. MATCH. Khalkali stands up.
SHOUTS in Farsi to another Komiteh —
NOTE: The use of Farsi makes it even more intimidating- as we don’t know what they’re saying and they’re scrutinizing everything. The diplomats have to stay super calm. Will they crack?
INT. MEHRABAD AIRPORT – SECOND CHECKPOINT – MORNING Bob Anders stands in front of a rough-voiced IMMIGRATION OFFICER. He’s holding Bob Anders’ YELLOW IMMIGRATION FORM and leafing through a file of hundreds of WHITE IMMIGRATION FORMS, the duplicates. Without success. IMMIGRATION OFFICER #2 (in Farsi; to Officer #1, re: his own white pile)
Nothing.
NOTE: They know that there won’t be matching papers from two days ago and this is a big, big hurdle. Will the immigration officers let it go?
IMMIGRATION OFFICER (to Bob Anders) When did you say you arrived in Iran?
BOB ANDERS Two days ago.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER What was the purpose of your visit?
BOB ANDERS We were looking at locations to make a film. I’m the director.
Immigration Officer pauses and looks up. Looks at the six other faces. He looks every bit as confrontational as Tony acted in rehearsal.
BOB ANDERS (very calm) We have a letter from the Minister of Culture … *
The Immigration Officer gestures for the letter. Bob takes the letter inviting them on their location scout out of a folder. Tony, barely perceptibly, nods.
INT. KOMITEH HQ – MORNING Khalkali is now speaking with MORADI, an older Komiteh official. They speak Farsi and it’s untranslated, but we get it. He is showing the photograph of Mark Lijek from the bazaar and comparing it to the U.S. diplomatic photograph. Moradi picks up the phone as Khalkali heads out.
NOTE: Mark, one of the diplomats is discovered to be an American (Canadian passport fake) Will the diplomats get onto the plane before that’s communicated to immigration?
INT. MEHRABAD AIRPORT – SECOND CHECKPOINT – MORNING Immigration Officer is conferring with Immigration Officer #2 as they look at the letter from the Minister of Culture. The Houseguests and Mendez wait. Finally, Immigration Officer #2 shrugs.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER Okay — Yes — Okay — He waves them through. Second checkpoint done.
NOTE: The groundwork has saved them- so far.
INT. CIA – THE PIT – NIGHT Malinov, a phone to his ear. Ringing.
NOTE: CIA cannot reach the production office. Will they be there in time to answer any Iranian’s call?
MALINOV C’mon c’mon c’mon —
INT. ARGO PRODUCTION OFFICE – NIGHT The phone in the office rings. No one is there.
EXT. WARNER BROS. STUDIOS – NIGHT Siegel and Chambers are walking back to the Argo office. They are within sight of the Argo bungalow, but a P.A. * steps in front of them. P.A. (a stage whisper) I’m sorry, we’re shooting. He motions for them to wait. A movie — it looks like a police procedural — is shooting on the lot between them and the office.
NOTE: The phone situation is compounded by the guys delayed by a film shoot across from their office.
INT. AIRPORT GATE – MORNING
ANNOUNCEMENT (V.O.) Swissair announces general boarding for Flight 363 to Zurich. Passengers, mostly European businessmen, get up and approach the gate.
NOTE: The plane may take off before the six get through. Stress mounting.
INT. MEHRABAD AIRPORT – THIRD CHECKPOINT – MORNING Mendez checks in with the Houseguests with his eyes. They are now in sight of the airport gates. And here are six Komiteh. Young men — none more than 33 or so — holding automatic weapons. They have created their own checkpoint. It looks recent,
NOTE: The weapons are intimidating. And now, another unforeseen checkpoint. They don’t have a plan for this one.
A SCREENED-OFF AREA WITH TABLES.
KOMITEH #1 Passports.
He looks at the Canadian passports and then almost immediately speaks.
KOMITEH #1 You come. He directs Mendez and the Houseguests into the screened off area. Speaks in Farsi to another Komiteh.
INT. CIA – THE PIT – NIGHT LAMONT (holding the phone) Purser’s telling Swissair they’re not on the plane.
O’DONNELL They should have boarded already.
MALINOV (on another phone) Still no answer in L.A.
INT. MEHRABAD AIRPORT – THIRD CHECKPOINT – MORNING
MARK LIJEK A film.
Mark mimes turning the rotor of a movie camera. Komiteh #1 doesn’t understand.
AZIZI (O.S.) Sit down.
A young man with a beard — AZIZI, late 20s — arriving on the scene, speaking in Farsi to the others and then in very good American English. He looks at the six and the face he singles out is Joe Stafford’s.
AZIZI (harsh, icy; in * Farsi) * You. You had no business in Iran.
He motions for JOE STAFFORD to step forward. Mendez shifts. A tense moment.
NOTE: It seems like the end for them.
JOE STAFFORD (Farsi) * We did. We were preparing to make a movie here, sir.
AZIZI (Farsi) * You don’t have journalist visas.
NOTE: but he speaks Farsi and has a copy of the publicity. Will this convince them??? Because this Iranian seems like he’s got them cornered.
JOE STAFFORD (Farsi) * Not a documentary. A movie. Joe Stafford reaches into his pocket and gives Azizi a copy of the Argo Variety ad.
JOE STAFFORD (Farsi) * You see? (to Mendez; English) * Kevin, where’s your briefcase?
A beat on Mendez. Who then opens his accordion folder and takes from it the ARGO STORYBOARDS. Joe Stafford spreads them out on the table. Three other Komiteh in the room lean forward, their AUTOMATIC WEAPONS at their sides, and look at the STORYBOARD DRAWINGS. The Persian Empire futurism of Jack Kirby’s drawings.
JOE STAFFORD (Farsi) * These are the villains. Y’see these guys here? And these are the heroes… in the spice market… Joe Stafford points at the various drawings. He speaks with an ease and confidence that we didn’t know he had.
JOE STAFFORD (Farsi) * They know our hero is the Chosen * One, so they kidnap his son in the * spice market … They have these * chariots… like this one…
NOTE: The scene goes on longer, including being discovered just as they’re on the plane and it takes off- They barely get into neutral airspace- but they make it.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>What makes the film so riveting is that every single move could be death. The stakes are screamingly high- there are obstacles in both countries plus, the administrative types have to play cool- the acting performance of a lifetime. The tension is ratcheted up to ‘scream’
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June Fortunato’s Creates a Future! Day 10 of Dramatic devices
What I learned: I realized that my scenes needed to be rearranged. Since I am writing chronologically, I thought I’d write these and get to the one in mind. However, these scenes fulfill the assignment better than what I’d planned.
Kim Kirby– Veneer of normal and anything but. Sneaky vandalism. Deeply fearful. Character <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Marilyn Carter
Traits: Self effacing and insecure. Admires others. Goes back on decisions- Super worrier. Charming/polite, Tender hearted. Veneer of self-assuredness. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Logline: When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Suzy Welsh
Tries very hard all of the time. Tries to be cool and badass but ends up mom-like. Works her tail off. Wants to believe in the goodness of everyone and this makes her vulnerable to pranks, to scammers, to users. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
EXT. SUZY’S CAR- AFTERNOON
A bumper sticker on the rear of the modest car reads: “Honk if you love nurses”
INT. SUZY’S CAR & PARKING GARAGE- CONTINUOUS
Kim, at the wheel, pulls into a parking garage. An ATTENDANT opens her door for her. She hands him the unfamiliar keys with a “Suzy” key ring.
ATTENDANT
How long?
He looks at the keyring.
Suzy?
KIM
Could be a few hours.
The attendant gets a receipt/ticket and hands it to Kim- who slips it into her pocket.
ATTENDANT
We’ll take care of her.
He drives Suzy’s car up the ramp and out of sight. Across the street is a FANCY WOMEN’S
CLOTHING BOUTIQUE. Kim heads to it.
INT. BOUTIQUE- DRESSING ROOM – LATER
Kim tries on a spectacular, crocheted BATHING SUIT, loves it, pulls the sensors and tags off of it, and puts her street clothes on over it. Someone emerges from the booth next to hers to look into a MIRROR in the hall. Kim peeks. Marilyn, late 70’s, lovely, fragile and insecure, frets over her image in the mirror.
MARILYN
Oh dear. Oh. No.
Kim comes out.
KIM
I think you look beautiful. The colors suit you.
MARILYN
I do like these colors.
KIM
I’ll get you different sizes.
Kim checks the size and heads into the store.
MARILYN
You’re a dear.
Marilyn waits. Kim returns with the new sizes and many other things.
KIM
I’ll hang these for you.
Kim quickly slides her hand into Marilyn’s purse, snatches Marilyn’s parking receipt and swaps it for Suzy’s.
MARILYN
You have quite an eye.
KIM
I hope they work. I love fashion!
MARILYN
It shows.
Kim waits for Marilyn to go into her booth again.
KIM
I’ve got to run. Good luck!
MARILYN (O.S.)
This size is MUCH better. Thank you!
But Kim is gone.
EXT. BOUTIQUE- CONTINUOUS
Crosses the street to the parking garage.
INT. PARKING GARAGE- CONTINUOUS
Kim hands Marilyn’s ticket to the parking attendant.
ATTENDANT
That was quick.
KIM
I love their clothes but I’m not in the mood.
The attendant retrieves MARILYN’S CAR, a well cared for older VOLVO. Kim gives the attendant CASH and drives away.
KIM
Thank you!
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – EARLY EVENING
Roy dozes. Suzy, exhausted, end of her shift, enters his room. She checks his drawers and his bathroom. She turns on lights, is loud and not her usual sweet self.
SUZY
Where are they? … ROY!
Still partially asleep.
SUZY
Roy. Where are they?
ROY
What?
SUZY
My keys. My car keys. My house keys. Did you take my keys?
ROY
No.
SUZY
Damnit. I try to help you and this is what I get?
ROY
Suzy Q, I didn’t take anything.
SUZY
You kill me, Roy. You really do. Shit.
She leaves and calls an Uber. Roy, now fully awake, is bewildered.
INT./EXT. MARILYN’S CAR AND CLIFFSIDE & CABIN-LATER
Kim drives to her house/her brother’s house, aka, the scene of her accident. She pulls over and stares. Through the windows, her brother, Brian and Ingrid argue. Kim slams on the HORN and shouts.
KIM
Who do you think you are???? God??? I will win. I am strong. I will defeat you. You can’t hurt me!
Brian and Ingrid continue to argue- Ingrid sees the car, doesn’t recognize it, and pulls the blind down, turning to continue her attack on Brian.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
Marilyn, BAGS from the boutique, stands at the Attendant’s desk. A DIFFERENT ATTENDANT drives Suzy’s car down the ramp.
MARILYN
That’s not my car. That’s not mine. I have a Volvo.
The attendant double checks the receipt.
ATTENDANT 2
This is the matching ticket.
MARILYN
There’s a mix-up. Please, look for a gray Volvo. And hurry. My dogs will be out of their minds. I’ve been away too long.
ATTENDANT 2
But, Mam, this is
MARILYN
Where’s the other attendant?
ATTENDANT 2
He’s the earlier shift.
Attendant 2 goes into his booth and makes a call.
LATER
Two POLICE take notes. Marilyn leans against a counter, exhausted. The police check the registration of Suzy’s car, while Marilyn frets.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY-SUZY’S STATION- NIGHT
The phone on the station rings. Tara picks up the call.
TARA
Oh, wow. OK, I’ll let her know.
Tara calls Suzy.
TARA
Suzy, your car was found.
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This is an update responding to notes. Thanks Cameron! Anita! and Dev!
June Fortunato is being Dramatic Day 10 of dramatic devices
What I learned is by writing through the scenes, I’m shortening, combining, adding scenes and rearranging them to add tension and flow. characters, traits, and loglines
Roy Dent: Explosive side, charming, guilt ridden, rescuer, rejection of authority. Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
Marilyn Carter: Self effacing, super worrier, kind, tender hearted ;Logline When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Kim Kirby– wounded, angry, masks her vulnerability, veneer of normalcy Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Suzy Welsh self-less, fixer Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Denny Brand– Good guy for a lawyer. Subtext: If he wins this case, he may well win what he really wants: Suzy’s affection.
These scenes happen at the end of the first act. Previously, we saw
Kim’s sister in law throw Kim down a staircase-
Kim’s inheritance (money) was stolen by her brother and sister in law,
they now intend to take her half of the house (inherited from Mom)
and get Kim tossed into a psychiatric hospital.
We also learned that when Roy get deliberately pummeled in jail, his kidney was damaged- which is infected and, despite trying a couple of different antibiotics, he still passes blood in his urine.
Roy was told that he would not be able of overcome his injuries fully and that he can’t live rough anymore.
In one scene, Roy and Kim meet and it’s instantaneous Kismet.
Roy helps Kim escape the brother and sister in law when they go to the hospital to remove her to a psych hospital.
When Kim escapes, she steals Suzy’s keys and car, then swaps it in a parking garage for Marilyn’s car- so she serially steals both cars- and returns both to the parking garage across the street from a boutique where she steals a bathing suit.
Kim’s self talk is set up at the beginning- a technique after years of therapy.
The swim scene at the Bellevue sets up the location for many Bellevue scenes which follow.
The Marilyn scene with the neighbors sets up Marilyn’s extended need for a decent house and pet sitter- which later solves the residence issue for Roy and Kim.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT
Marilyn, fragile, opens the door to a beautifully appointed townhouse. Two large german shepherds, LUDWIG and WOLFGANG (“Woofie”) barrel toward the door as it opens, thrilled.
MARILYN I know. I know, babies. I’m sorry. We’re going now. Good boys. Sit. Woofie, sit.
Marilyn slips through the door and as she sets her bags down Woofie jumps up for a kiss. Marilyn loses her balance and crashes backward. Woofie is all over her, paws on her shoulders, licks her. She laughs.
MARILYN OK. I love you, too.
But as she tries to get up she jolts in pain.
MARILYN Oh. Oh! Oh. Woofie, back, back.
She grabs the door handle and pulls herself upright, wobbling. She reaches for their leashes, tries to walk, and crashes down again.
MARILYN Oh. Oh no.
She gets her phone and dials. Now she’s in serious pain.
MARILYN Hi, Jeanie. Hi, this is Marilyn next door. Yes, good. How are you? Good, good. Are you busy right now? I’m – I seem to be in a pickle.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME- LATER
Two AMBULANCE medics load Marilyn onto a GURNEY, while Jeanie, sophisticated, wealthy, 40s, watches. Her son, zit faced CONNOR, 15 with a dour attitude, hangs onto the leashed Ludwig and Woofie outside.
MARILYN Fuss and bother. This is nonsense.
JEANIE Just get it x-rayed. Connor and I will take care of them, and I’ll lock up.
MARILYN I should be home in a few hours.
JEANIE Just take care of yourself.
MARILYN Connor, will you play with them?
CONNOR Whatever.
MARILYN I’ll call you as soon as I know.
JEANIE Everything here will be fine.
INT./EXT. MARILYN’S CAR & CLIFFSIDE CABIN – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Kim roots through Marilyn’s glove box and finds cash, sunglasses, a scarf and an ID for a gym at the Bellevue Hotel, all of which she takes.
INT. HOSPITAL – ER- NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Marilyn is wheeled into the ER and taken into the back immediately.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- SWIMMING POOL – NIGHT- LATER
Kim, in her gorgeous stolen bathing suit, luxuriates by the pool. She self-talks loudly.
KIM I deserve this. You can’t have this life and take it away from me! I deserve a good life!
A swimmer comes up from the water, puzzled.
KIM Excuse me, what time does the pool close?
MAN 10:30.
She’s weird. He’s interested. She’s pretty. Kim knows what he’s thinking and immediately dives into the water for another lap. He waits. When she comes up:
MAN Open at 7AM.
She ignores him. He waits.
MAN See you again?
Nothing. He leaves. Pause.
KIM Take it back. Take her car back. You had your shout out. And you got her gym pass. And money. But the car goes back. You’re not like your horrible brother and that satan, Ingrid. You’re a good person. I am good.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – NIGHT -ROY’S
Tara enters Roy’s room with something behind her back. Roy, covered in a blanket, sits in a chair. There’s a stack of legal papers near him.
TARA Going somewhere?
Roy yanks the blanket off of his street clothes.
ROY Dang! Tara has x-ray vision.
TARA Um hum.
ROY Whew. It was hot under there.
Tara laughs.
ROY (CONT’D) Frying like a donut in oil.
TARA I brought something to cheer you. I snuck into our private stock.
ROY Bugles! My fav O rite.
Pause.
TARA That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? Where’s my wisecracking fool?
Nothing.
TARA (CONT’D) Ah, Come-on, Roy. Cheer up. You’ll have a whole new life.
ROY That I didn’t want.
TARA Suzy wouldn’t steer you wrong. Think of the possibilities.
Pause.
A wise friend once told me, “Play the game and take their money. Then you can do whatever you want.”
Pause.
OK, OK. Twist my arm. I brought these for you, too.
She pulls out a few tiny bottles of of Jim Beam.
ROY Now that’s happy.
TARA Liquid courage. A gift from Suzy. She says she feels awful for accusing you of taking her keys. They found it, you know.
ROY She found her car?
TARA Police did. In a parking garage.
Tara moves to the door.
TARA (CONT’D) Stick with it, Roy. Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.
INT./EXT. PARKING GARAGE- NIGHT – LATER
Kim watches from across the street. When the attendant leaves she pulls in, drives Marilyn’s car up the ramp, finds a spot and parks. Across the alley, she spots a small legit theatre which is just letting out for the night.
EXT. THEATRE – NIGHT
Kim slips into the theatre through the departing crowd.
INT. THEATRE- NIGHT
She finds her way into the dressing room door, and hides behind a rack of costumes until the lights of the theatre are turned off. It’s quiet. She’s in her element.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- NIGHT
Roy heads for one last wiz before he hits the wild. He stares at a nice suit, left for him to wear in the morning. But in the toilet- blood. A lot of blood.
INT. COURTROOM- THE NEXT MORNING
Roy wears the suit. Suzy watches from the viewing area. The judge examines the papers.
JUDGE I understand that both sides have negotiated a deal.
DENNY Yes, your honor.
LAWYER 2 Yes, we have, your honor. We agree to accept compensation and drop charges, your honor.
JUDGE Mr. Dent, in light of the fact that you were evidently a man of valor, and have compensated your debts, I will grant this full exoneration on one condition… You have six weeks. Six. To establish a permanent residency. Do you understand?
DENNY Yes your honor.
JUDGE Mr. Dent?
ROY Yes, sir. Yes sir. Six weeks.
JUDGE Six weeks, or you will permanently lose your financial benefits.
DENNY Thank you, Sir, for your extraordinary efforts on behalf of Mr. Dent.
JUDGE I’m a fellow veteran. And a human. We lapse.
Roy salutes him.
LAWYER 2 Thank you, sir.
The judge bangs his gavel. All rise. The judge leaves. Suzy hugs Roy.
SUZY You did it, Roy. You did it! Be happy.
DENNY La Croix?
SUZY That sounds wonderful.
Suzy and Denny leave. Roy stands there. Finally, hospital attendant Tim helps him into a wheelchair, and he is pushed out.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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June Fortunato’s Misleads/Reveals for Retirement Day 8
What I learned: These scenes follow the previous chronologically. Good to list the misleads and reveals.
Mislead: Kim collapsed. Reveal: Kim is hiding. Mislead: Mr. Lawyer Oren is a nice guy. Clue: Are Ingrid and Oren having an affair? Mislead: Kim flirts. Clue: Did Kim take something? Mislead: Suzy blames Roy. Reveal: In the following scene it’s revealed that Kim took the keys.
Roy Dent: Wily, clever, rescuer. Subtext- to misdirect Brian and Ingrid.
Kim Kirby: fragile, strong, bit of a thief. Subtext – to get away- even from Roy.
Brian Kirby: Greedy, self-serving. Subtext- escape additional fees and get rid of Kim.
Ingrid nee Littman-Kirby: Vicious. Self serving. Subtext- an excuse to take off with Oren.
Oren Mash, esq.- On the take. Money focused. Subtext- to get what he can get, sex included.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – CONTINUOUS
Kim slips into a restroom while Roy waits outside the door. The nurses’ station is empty. Kim cracks the door open as Brian and Ingrid storm out of the room, Oren following. Kim ducks back into the restroom.
ROY (to Brian and Ingrid)
My man, my man, Sister took a dive.
INGRID
Now what???
ROY
Kim collapsed.
INGRID
What a fake she is.
BRIAN
Where is she?
ROY
E-MERG-GENCY
OREN
Brian….
Oren taps his watch.
BRIAN
Go. We’ll manage. Please dismiss the Belmont driver.
OREN
You’ll keep me posted.
BRIAN
As soon as I figure out what happened.
INGRID
I’ll wait in the car.
BRIAN
Ingrid!
INGRID
I said, I WILL WAIT IN THE CAR.
OREN
I can drive you home.
INGRID
Now that’s a gentleman who respects a woman’s time.
Ingrid and Oren leave. Brian looks at Roy.
ROY
That way, yessir, that’s the way to the E.R.
Brian hustles toward the ER. Pause. Roy knocks on the restroom door.
ROY
All clear Sugar Sugar.
Kim emerges, dressed for the road.
KIM
My hero.
Flirtatious, Kim slides her hand along the nurse’s station and fists something. Then she heads for the stairs.
ROY
Don’t get caught.
Kim blows Roy a kiss and disappears. Pause. Suzy returns to her station.
SUZY
Something you need?
ROY
Nada. I’m fab.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – NIGHT
Roy dozes. Suzy, exhausted, end of her shift, enters his room. She checks his drawers and his bathroom. She turns on lights, is loud and not her usual sweet self.
SUZY
Where are they? … ROY!
Still partially asleep.
SUZY
Roy. Where are they?
ROY
What?
SUZY
My keys. My car keys. My house keys. Did you take my keys?
ROY
No.
SUZY
Damnit. I try to help you and this is what I get?
ROY
Suzy Q, I didn’t take anything.
SUZY
You kill me, Roy. You really do. Shit.
She leaves and calls an Uber. Roy, now fully awake, is bewildered.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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June Fortunato’s Crucible for Retirement Day 7 of Dramatic Devices
What I learned: I must write in chronological order. I attempted a later scene and wrote garbage. I amped up this scene to reinforce the ‘trapped’ situation and like it. Good exercise.
Roy Dent– Wily, crazyass, protective. Subtext- to rescue Kim <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kim Kirby– Emotionally shattered. Subtext- to save herself and try to fight back. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Brian Kirby– Greedy sob. Easily bullied by wife. – Subtext- to get rid of the “Kim Problem” <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Ingrid Nee Litman-Kirby– Vicious. Self serving – Subtext – work out her plan to get everything. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Oren Mash- lawyer– on the take. Liar and schemer. Willing to do anything for money. Subtext to serve his clients.
This scene follows the previous “meet cute” scene.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT -THE NEXT DAY
Roy, still enthralled with Kim, wanders down the hall and looks for her.
Intercut
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – KIM’S – OSTEO UNIT
Kim sits up in bed. Her brother leans against the doorway, and his wife, Ingrid, stands beside him. Arms crossed. Leaning over the bed is 50 year old, OREN MASH, a smarmy and offensively breathed man in a navy blazer. Kim is trapped.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
Roy finds Kim’s room and peeks in through Brian and Ingrid who are unaware of his presence.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – KIM’S – OSTEO UNIT
OREN
As I said, you may be released in the future, but for now, a judge has signed the order to commit you to Belmont.
KIM
I’m not going to Belmont.
INGRID
You don’t have a choice.
Brian nudges Ingrid to back off. Kim, still in physical pain, tries to get up.
OREN
That’s right. Good. The car is waiting.
KIM
I’m not going to Belmont! I am in charge of me.
BRIAN
Kim, you’re not in your right mind.
KIM
You kicked me out. Of my own house! Mom left it to BOTH of us.
BRIAN
Mother was not in her right mind either.
KIM
BULLSHIT. You committed her, too.
INGRID
You see, Doctor? She’s delusional and unstable.
KIM
And SHE is the one who threw me down the steps!
OREN
You’ll love Belmont, Kim. It will calm you. You’ll be safe there.
INGRID
Get dressed.
BRIAN
Don’t fight it, Kim.
Roy pushes through Brian and Ingrid a bit too forcefully and Ingrid nearly falls.
ROY
Ooopsie daisy. Unstable? Excuse me. Pardon me.
He heads to Kim and moves Oren out of the way.
ROY (refers to Ingrid)
She’s off balance…. Kim, we’re late for physical therapy. Come on now.
He helps her up .She grabs her clothes and purse and Roy whisks her out of the room
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June Fortunato’s Amazing Setting Day 6 of Dramatic Devices for RETIREMENT
What I learned: I rated my locations. My locations are integral to the plot and characters- and the action depends on my characters returning to the same locations several times. (It’s also easier and less expensive to shoot at the same locations many times.)
The beginning locations of my screenplay deliberately mirror the end. Nonetheless, 6 of 105 might be improved with changes/tweeks. At least one will definitely change. Here’s my list:
Scene 4 Roy slams his stolen van into a PIGGLY WIGGLY
BEFORE: Intent to get Police attention Setting: Convenience store- which is funnier
AFTER: New Setting: Could be a police station How this has improved the scene: it’s more direct but too obvious and he can’t get his coffee
Scene 62 Definitely will change BEFORE Bus station with a cafe across the street where Suzy and lawyer have lunch Intent- to see if Roy will get off of the bus
AFTER New Setting:
Rittenhouse square. The church lady bus drops that gals off there and Roy gets out.
How it changes the scene- Earlier I established that Suzy and the lawyer eat at an extremely expensive restaurant, LaCroix at Rittenhouse hotel. There, Suzy can see Roy get out of the bus which is funnier, and a great metaphor because they look down on Roy AND Suzy and the lawyer have to run through the hotel from the second floor to catch up with Roy.
Scene 64 – probably change. BEFORE Atlantic City – a closet where Kim crashes for the night
Intent- lonely. AFTER Kim hides in a funhouse HALL OF MIRRORS. It feels unescapable, also wildly weird and incredibly lonely.
Scene 66 BEFORE car hitchhiking with a couple from AC to Philly tall tale to get a free lift back to town
AFTER could be a family camper. The kids would highlight what Kim has missed in her life.
Scene 81 BEFORE
Piggly Wiggly shoplifting lunch Intent-Kim shows Roy some good tricks. Mirrors beginning.
AFTER Could be the Reading Terminal Market near the Bronze pig It’s a callback to the Piggly wiggly, a twist and a great location
Scene 97 BEFORE – maybe- maybe not Roy takes Marilyn for a romp in her wheelchair on the hospital grounds Intent– to be freeing and run in open air Roy brings joy to Marilyn and help her feel alive
AFTER The dog park – Marilyn adores her dogs, so she could run (be pushed) on the track. Logistical problem is that wheelchairs don’t move well on grass or gravel.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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June Fortunato’s Setup/Payoff Day 5 of Dramatic Devices
“What I learned” This is clearly an exercise and not necessarily conducive to sophisticated writing. The best setups are set up in earlier scenes and paid off later as demonstrated in the Ace Ventura series of scenes. Nonetheless, this was a very fun scene to write, because I finally got to my “meet cute” and the exercise inspired me. So despite my complaining, I loved it.
The Meet-Cute
set up earlier– Kim is thrown down steps and now in the hospital ward set up earlier-Roy makes the rounds and people ask him to do things set up earlier– Roy makes up lyrics to familiar songs set up earlier -Kim self talks. Her singing sets up later scenes when we learn that she’s an accomplished singer. set up– Roy and Kim’s soon to develop love relationship set up– Roy and Kim’s continuous relationship with the hospital and eventually, with Marilyn set up-Roy’s loyalty to Kim set up – Kim pulls away into a restroom- a set up for a later scene.
payoff: Kim is in the hospital and what happened to her payoff: Suzy’s candy bowl is recently always empty!
Outline/scene mockup
Roy makes the round in the hospital halls. A woman emerges ahead of him, Kim, slowly- her ankle, and entire arm and shoulder are braced and bandaged. She has a broken wrist, broken elbow, dislocated shoulder and sprained ankle all on the same side. Roy notices that she discretely leaves a wrapped peppermint on every room ledge in the hallway or tosses one to someone on their bed. Roy follows and watches. He’s intrigued. He takes one of the candies, and pops one in his mouth. Kim doesn’t turn, but she knows she’s being followed. This makes her happy. Roy gets close enough to her, and says: “I like sweet things, too.” She still doesn’t turn, but it makes her smile. She keeps walking and distributing- a real Easter Bunnie. Roy sings the song by the Archies: “Sugar Sugar ” (1969) “Sugar. Ah Honey Honey. You are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you” Kim knows the song and joins in the refrain changing the words to fit she sings along “Honey. Ah Honey honey. I am the candy girl and why do you follow me?” This absolutely floats Roy’s boat. Kim turns around to sing the duet and it’s instant Kismet! Love at first sight. Kim gives Roy a peck on the cheek and pulls away, leaving him in awe. She pulls away into a restroom- a set up for a later scene.
Scene ends with the payoff: Meanwhile, Suzy finds her candy bowl empty again and complains “why is this bowl suddenly always empty!!!?”
The scene: a meet-cute
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – THE NEXT DAY
Roy makes his rounds in the hall. A woman, Kim, emerges ahead of him. She moves slowly, sporting a broken wrist, broken elbow, dislocated shoulder and sprained ankle- which are wrapped and slung. Kim discretely leaves a wrapped PEPPERMINT candy on every patient’s ledge or tosses one to someone in bed. A real Easter Bunny. Roy follows and watches. He’s intrigued. He takes one of the candies and pops it into his mouth. Kim doesn’t turn, but she knows she’s being followed. This makes her happy. She slows her pace. Roy catches up so close that she can feel his breath.
ROY
(to her back) I like sweet things, too.
Kim doesn’t turn, but it makes her laugh. Roy sings the song by the Archies from 1969.
ROY (sung) “Sugar. Ah Honey Honey. You are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you.”
Kim changes words to fit and sings along.
KIM “Honey. Ah honey honey. I am the candy girl and why do you follow me?
This absolutely floats Roy’s boat. Kim turns around to sing a duet and it’s instant Kismet! Love at first sight. Kim gives Roy a peck on the cheek, and disappears into a rest room – leaving him in awe.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – SUZY’S STATION – CONTINUOUS
Suzy absently reaches into her CANDY JAR and it’s empty.
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Day 4 of Dramatic Devices June Fortunato’s “Twists” for Retirement
What I learned: I focused on the surprises. This scene follows the others I wrote chronologically.
Roy Dent,
Fierce rejection of authority, avoids normal, crazyass, tender hearted with the vulnerable. Subtext: to milk his hospital stay as long as possible.
Suzy the nurse Welsh
Tries very hard all of the time- a fixer. Overachiever. Jumps through hoop for others but ignores her own needs. Subtext: to placate Denny enough, and to rescue Roy despite his resistance.
Denny Brand, esq.
Mr. Nice guy despite being a lawyer who’s interest is always his bottom line. Subtext: out to impress Suzy and win her over.
The twists:
Roy is soon to lose his resources Suzy appears to change sides A couple of lies are uncovered/
Roy’s mistake returns to haunt him Roy’s trust in Suzy appears to be violated Roy sees an unexpected side of Suzy
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAYS- OSTEO UNIT – DAYS LATER
Roy, in his sunny mood, makes the rounds. He shuffles, pushes his IV pole and checks out patients in the other rooms. Everybody seems to know him. He leans into one of the rooms.
ROY
I highly recommend Tylenol with the “beatific” added benefits” of codeine.
As he passes another room. A wobbly voice from within
WOMAN
Roy! Roy! Change the channel! Change the channel.
But Tara slips past Roy to do it.
TARA
Got it. Lunch in half an hour.
ROY
Turkey?
She nods.
ROY
Them’s fine eats, Tara.
He heads back toward Suzy’s station for a howdy, and instead catches sight of her with a man, 40s, in an expensive suit. Suzy and the man glance toward Roy’s room when Roy comes up behind them.
ROY
Who’s Mr. Wall Street?
Startled. Caught. Red-faced.
SUZY
Roy. (To Denny) This is Roy.
DENNY
I’m Denny Brand. Your lawyer. If you’ll have me.
ROY
For what?
SUZY
The Piggly Wiggly! The cleaning van….? Not to mention the hospital bills…
DENNY
Mr. Dent
ROY
Such a formal guy.
SUZY
Roy – your hearing is in two weeks.
DENNY
I can be there for you but we have to get into it.
Roy turns and goes into his room. Suzy leaves Denny there and goes after Roy.
SUZY
You need his help.
ROY
It would appear that my latest retirement plan is more temporary than viagra.
SUZY
You use viagra?
Uh oh. He’s caught. Suzy helps Roy back to his bed.
SUZY
I went out on a limb to get him here. Can you at least hear him out?
Denny comes to the door and knocks on the frame.
DENNY
Mr. Dent, I tried to calculate your potential income but the Social Security administration and the veterans say you died in 1973.
ROY
I did.
Pause. They stare at him.
ROY
I told them that I died. Oh, it was a sad, sad tale. They cried.
DENNY
That’s a big problem.
ROY
Suzy, this lawyer is not up to snuff. (to Denny) So you can’t raise someone from the dead.
DENNY
It’s a problem. It’s almost impossible.
SUZY
Please try. (to Roy) So that’s why you couldn’t get a job? You’re dead?! You’re a piece of work,
Pause. Denny’s not so sure he wants to take this on.
SUZY
You better do it, Roy. Doctor says you’re a mess. You’ll collapse on the street. Only I won’t be there to help.
ROY
I’ll consider your supremo offer.
Suzy, frustrated and upset with the whole scene, walks out. Denny follows her.
DENNY
I made a reservation at Lacroix, Rittenhouse. It’ll brighten your day.
And Roy suddenly understands their relationship.
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Day 2 of Dramatic Devices: Conflict and Tension.
June Fortunato Conflict for Retirement Scene “4”
What I learned: Helpful checklist. This is the next scene of my screenplay- which I’m writing chronologically. It follows a scene with quite a bit of conflict and tension- and this one requires a step down of conflict, although it incorporates a different and underlying tension. I will keep working to boost the tension in future passes. BTW I was glad to take time for medical research which helped with my character in this scene and will impact the rest of the story.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. The ATTENDANT taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a manilla file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT
Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney.
Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Indigent. Stinks, too.
Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- CONTINUOUS
The attendant settles Roy – moves the IV rack and tray table into position and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY
One day, Roy. One!
ROY
Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY
Don’t test me.
She inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she looks at the thermometer.
ROY
I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY
You’re running a fever.
ROY
My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY
Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have
you transferred to another
hospital. Doc will be in to see
you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY
I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers- opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY (CONT’D)
You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY
And you’re in a heap of trouble,
Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits
SUZY (CONT’D)
And don’t move. That rib can
puncture your heart.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Suzy walks out and her no BS demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
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Day 2 of Dramatic Devices: Conflict and Tension.
June Fortunato Conflict for Retirement Scene “4”
What I learned: Helpful checklist. This is the next scene of my screenplay- which I’m writing chronologically. It follows a scene with quite a bit of conflict and tension- and this one requires a step down of conflict, although it incorporates a different and underlying tension. I will keep working to boost the tension in future passes. BTW I was glad to take time for medical research which helped with my character in this scene and will impact the rest of the story.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. The ATTENDANT taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a manilla file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT
Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney.
Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Indigent. Stinks, too.
Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- CONTINUOUS
The attendant settles Roy – moves the IV rack and tray table into position and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY
One day, Roy. One!
ROY
Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY
Don’t test me.
She inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she looks at the thermometer.
ROY
I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY
You’re running a fever.
ROY
My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY
Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have
you transferred to another
hospital. Doc will be in to see
you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY
I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers- opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY (CONT’D)
You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY
And you’re in a heap of trouble,
Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits
SUZY (CONT’D)
And don’t move. That rib can
puncture your heart.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Suzy walks out and her no BS demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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Apologies- I posted day 2 on today’s link. Here is today’s assignment to follow. Retirement continues.
June Fortunato’s Dramatic Irony for Retirement Day 3 of Dramatic Devices
What I learned: These scenes both set up the scenes with a confrontation of dramatic irony. I’m writing in chronological order, and want to stay on schedule- but I’ll write and post ASAP.
Kim Kirby
Self-talking, deep spirit wound, lives on the edge Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Brian Kirby Weasel. Self-Serving.
Logline: When Brian’s new wife, Ingrid, wants Kim disinherited, Brian does her bidding. He’s got a big secret so he needs to squash his sister, Kim and make sure she never tells.
Ingrid nee Litman-Kirby Abusive. Self-serving. Logline: When Ingrid finally gets Brian to marry her, she declares all out war on his sister, Kim, to disinherit her and take everything. Her plan is to get it all, and then divorce Brian.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT
KIM, 60s, her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions and deeply wounded spirit. Sturdy and raven haired, Kim is a fighter with a hit and run approach. She lives on the edge and risks it all, all of the time. Holding several CARRY BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no on-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she speaks even louder, and looks at them to get their attention.
KIM
Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right.
She pulls the stop-cord and the bus pulls over in a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM
I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Kim circles the house. She sits on the ground facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM
I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring.
KIM
This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID
Stupid cow.
BRIAN
Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM
Hi Brian.
Kim sails in and heads for the staircase.
BRIAN
Ingrid doesn’t want you here.
KIM
And I don’t want Ingrid here. Except that this is my house.
INGRID
She’s smoking! Brian!
BRIAN
Kim, please.
Almost to the top.
KIM
Wouldn’t Mom be proud of you, Bry Bry?
Ingrid lurches past Brian and up the staircase after Kim.
INGRID
I said, Get Out.”
She grabs Kim and pulls her backwards, throwing her down the staircase. Kim tumbles with all of her things to the bottom and howls.
INGRID
Innocently, to Brian.
She deserved that.
Brian is on the phone.
BRIAN
Ambulance, please. My sister has had a tremendous fall.
INGRID
Oh, I do hope she’s OK, poor dear.
BRIAN
We have to think. Ingrid. We have to think. How do we explain this one?
INGRID
She’s crazy. She’s “unstable.”
BRIAN
We already took most of what she had.
INGRID
So get her locked up. Pull strings.
Brian looks down at Kim who doesn’t move.
INGRID
You have to do it. It’s for her own protection.
Scene TWO
Suzy the nurse Welsh Rescuer. Has to fix everything.
Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Denny Brand, esq. Lovestuck. Smart. Patient. His agenda is to have a serious relationship with Suzy, so when she asks a favor he’s onboard and will do his best to make sure Roy is out of her life for good.INT.
HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY
Suzy makes a call. She continues to work and puts the call on speakerphone. Another nurse,
TARA, tired, over it, sits nearby.
RECEPTION (O.S.)
Denny Brand, esquire.
SUZY
Hi, this is Susan Welsh. I’d like to speak to Mr. Brand.
Tara shakes her head.
TARA
How you get into things.
SUZY
Do you have any other ideas?
Denny answers.
DENNY (O.S.) (delighted)
Well, well, Susan. Did you finally extricate yourself from the mooch?
SUZY
Hi Denny…. Ah. Sort of. He’s in my ward…. Totally wrecked. But he’s out of my house, though.
DENNY (O.S.)
OK!
SUZY
Denny, he needs help. He declared himself dead and he’s in a financial nightmare.
DENNY (O.S.)
How’s this your problem?
SUZY
I don’t want him to come back!
Denny laughs.
DENNY (O.S.)
Fair enough.
Pause.
DENNY (O.S.)
Does it at least let me buy you lunch?
Tara rolls her eyes.
SUZY
I’d love to.
Pause.
DENNY (O.S.)
Send the info. When do you need this?
SUZY
He’ll be here for a month. But he’s got criminal charges, too.
DENNY (O.S.)
What kind?
SUZY
You’ll get paid. He never took his vet benefits or his Social Security. It’s a lot. It’s enough. For the medical bills, too.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S ROOM- CONTINUOUS
Doc enters Roy’s room and studies his charts. Poker face. Roy looks much better than when he came in a week ago.
Still reading
DOC
How’re you feeling today, Mr. Dent?
ROY
Peachy. DE-LISH-us food. An this bed! Up an down up and
down. Plus, the hot nurses.. You got a spa here, doc. All
with the, if you’ll excuse me, exception of Broomhilda the
washer with the mitts of a bear.
Suzy enters and laughs.
DOC
I’ll tell her to be more careful.
He sees Suzy.
ROY
There’s my guardian angel.
SUZY
He’s still passing blood in his urine.
Doc nods.
DO
I’ll write a different script. (To Roy) How’s
the coughing?
ROY
Oh, absolutely. But I try to avoid it. It does not bode
well for the alien in my chest.
Suzy shakes her head. The Doc. uncovers Roy’s shoulder and checks the
joint placement. Roy jolts in pain at the touch.
DOC
Mr. Dent..
ROY
Perfection. But, doc, I’d like to stay in this
establishment for a while.
DOC
We won’t release you until you stop passing blood.
ROY
Suzy Q, bring on the beet juice!
DOC
Mr. Dent, as you know, older men damage more easily and
take much longer to heal.
ROY
You got that right, son.
DOC
And unfortunately, your prognosis… this was a trauma that
may not be possible to entirely overcome.
Roy is surprised by this.
DOC
Living the way you do- it’s not a lifestyle that’s feasible
going forward.
Suzy has known this all along. Roy looks at her and it starts to sink
in.
ROY
Ah, I love secrets, Suzy Q, don’t you?
DOC
But the good news is that you’re a veteran, and you’ve got
social security. Both benefits can give you a more
reasonable life.
Now Roy feels betrayed. He springs back.
ROY
Who says I’m not reasonable? Doc, you don’t know old Roy.
I’m strong as a bull charging a Spaniard in the street.
DOC
We’ll do our best. But, Mr. Dent, consider that your kidney
infection may return, your shoulder may dislocate many
times. You’re fragile now. But you have options. I’ll visit
again tomorrow.
He exits. Suzy remains. Pause.
SUZY
I’m sorry, Roy. I thought the doctor should tell you.
She turns to exit.
ROY
You’re still my girl.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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June Fortunato Day 1 of Dramatic devices- scenes
What I learned: This is not a ‘light’ assignment if the film is stopped every few seconds – so the assignment took me quite a few hours. Nonetheless- it’s a good re-entry to the lessons. I’ve studied other films frame by frame, but this one is incredibly tense and intriguing because there are at least two actions happening simultaneously in every moment, and in every moment, the protagonist, Adam Sandler (aka Howard) gets himself into deeper an deeper trouble. He’s a menace to himself, driven, unstoppable, and sets up open loops/ enemies who will come back to hurt him as the movie moves forward and these problems include Howard’s portended colon cancer. -The use of steady-cam compounds the tension with non-stop movement and the extreme closeups and sharp cutting and often gritty alternatingly shiny pallet complete the chest pounding anxiety of this film. BTW, I chose a film that I had not seen, and watched 40 minutes of it. I still have to watch the end.
Uncut Gems logline: “With his debts mounting and angry collectors closing in, a fast talking NYC jeweler risks everything in hopes of staying afloat and alive.”
UNCUT GEMS
Opening
-1:01 Ethiopia- throngs of people run to a place in an excavated partly open mine, shouting. A man is horrifically wounded- his leg torn to shreds.
-2:48 Two men who watched go into the mine shafts, and chisel a rock- it’s an amazing blue gem, and HUGE. An uncut gem.
-3:57 The title sequence is floaty, and magical like the universe including the music.
-4:18 The scoping of someone’s colon – revealed that it’s during a colonoscopy- and the person is Adam Sandler, aka, Howard. He has polyps/ aka health problem coming. Quite an introduction to a protagonist- a metaphor for “takes it up the a…”
-5:48 Howard receives a manilla envelope with $24K and walks to his jewelry store.
-6:58 He gets water for one of two thugs- one of whom slaps him. Others in the store are worried- especially a “Friend.”
-7:35 The thugs take his envelope/money and his watch. It feels like protection money.
-8:24 Howard calls Arno and tells him that the watch is worth 20K- It’s revealed that the men are debt collectors for Amo, and Howard owes $100K to “Arno” (on the phone) A glimpse of Howard’s deepening problems.
-8:36 Howard goes to an apartment – booze bottle all over after an obviously huge party- two women are lying in bed (just lazy) and Howard complains that they show up any time to work- the woman convinces him to lay with her and cuddle. She’s a model. She accuses him of being manipulative and a constant liar. Sets up that his employee is his lover and in some ways, that he’s at her mercy when he decides to cuddle with her. At this point we know that this character is living wild- parlaying one thing for the next gambleand moves quickly from one thing to the next- willfully and forcefully propelling his future.
-10:11 He sells an extraordinarily huge diamond cross. It’s worth $235K. Sets up the other jewelry store relationship developed later. We think that he might pay off his debt.
-10:39 In a restaurant he approaches the owner who’s also a bookie. We learn why Howard’s in such trouble- deep gambling addiction- he bets $24K on the Lakers. And, that he already has replaced his stolen watch with an extraordinary watch- with a huge garnet.
-11:25 He’s in his back hallway- two body guards scuffle with the same debt collectors- who now threaten Howard’s life.
-13:11 In his shop, KC from the Lakers – Howard pulls out the stops with charm and shows KC a diamond encrusted FURBY- He’s dazzled by KC.
-14:42 Howard’s Friend tries to sell KC a watch. It’s a hot watch and Howard doesn’t want Friend to sell in his shop- Friend can just keep them in his safe- that’s all. This sets up another situation to be resolved/developed.
Inciting incident
-16:17 A package arrives. Howard is alarmed, and quickly takes it back to his office. He cuts it open while his worker, Yassi, screams at Howard about working there- his loyalty for 8 years- while simultaneously Howard cuts open the package and a huge fish. Yassi quits setting up potential sabotage- he leaves.
-17:50 Inside, the HUGE uncut gem we saw in the opening. Implied is that that somehow, Howard has a web/network to get this to him- that he must owe for this rock? and that he’s thrilled beyond reason. Intrigue amps up.
-18:11 sequence end
-18:44 Howard shows the rock to KC- it’s a black opal- rare- found in garnet mines- KC wants it. It’s revealed that the rock is 5000 carats- worth $3K each carat- and that it’s already slated for auction. Also that his network is one of “African Jews”
-21:52 Howard has bet on the night’s game- so he allows KC to take the rock overnight for good luck- then in collateral, takes KC’s championship ring. Friend is supposed to retrieve the rock and bring it to Howard at 9AM then next morning- when he will place it in auction.
– 23:10 end of set up for Inciting incident
-24:53 Howard goes to the other jewelry shop, this time doesn’t sell, but pawns- the ring. The deal is $21K cash, but he pays 7% vig. and if he doesn’t claim the ring by Friday- that shop will keep the ring. This sets up another set of troubles for Howard, and simultaneously, he’s watched and followed by Arno’s two thugs.
-26:07 Although he calls Arno to show him that he’s got the money, Howard instead, goes into the restaurant/bookie- and changes his bet to $40K on the Lakers, with a 6 parlay. The bookie tries to discourage him. He’s just compounded the vast amount of money he’s betting and can lose.
-27:08 Home, glued to the game, his wife blasts him over and over again to say good night to their son. Howard escapes to watch the game in his car, then goes to see his incredibly spoiled son- who has shelves of collectible FURBYs and a huge tv screen- He too, is watching the game and has bet $25.- so he already has his father’s bad habit.
-30:21 Wife “wants to tell the kids” right now- Howard wants to wait until after Passover and even, after summer- revealing his impending divorce and also sets up that his wife may do something to take Howard down. The delay is probably about money for Howard.
-31:27 In a cab- the price of garnets has dropped 41% and Howard’s thrilled.
-32-40 – 38:01 He’s in another apartment- of his lover- whom we met her earlier- Howard hides in the closet, she undresses- they sext- she masturbates- he jumps out- they are seen through the wall of windows of a huge apartment- Are they being watched?
-36:91- 39:22 Next morning- Friend does not show up with the rock at the auction house- Howard insists that Friend drive him to Philadelphia, where KC is practicing. When they get there, Friend goes to the back, but Howard is prevented. Simultaneously, Howard is supposed to go to his daughter’s play that evening in NYC- which sets up yet another overlapping time constraint problem.
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Day 11 Sharing for feedback exchange Revised version is below.
June Fortunato’s Retirement for final day of Seducing Actors
What I learned rewriting this scene sequence for my opening: I enjoyed beefing up these scenes
and I look forward to reading your reactions- and to reading your work, as well.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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Day 10 An Ad for an A list actor
June Fortunato’s Retirement
What I learned: I decided to re-write my opening scenes.
Actions to sell this character:
He’s charming, crazy as hell, but also has a strong moral standing. Protective of the
vulnerable and strays.
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy,
tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the
Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY
(sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the
top of the door.
ROY
(sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY
(spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your
Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He
keeps looking up at the house.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to
make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides
himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the
fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a
ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and
don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you
what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to
it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink:
screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his
coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns
the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies
lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the
cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD
I’m not as patient as Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He
died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back
ROY
Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes.
and runs to the beat up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY
Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile
of shit on the floor.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor
freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, swerves and pulls over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY
That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming
in for a landing.
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front
of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo tent in Nam. Fuckers exploded for
hours!
The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – PEOPLE with coffee cups
scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS
aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit
something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam. Hell, you’re
just a young pup- aren’t you, son. Pop that zit. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified TEEN TYRONE, share the holding
cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a
load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY
Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked, Pukeface, stares at Tyrone. The other two,
SKANK and BUTTROT are nervous, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and
forth.
SKANK
Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks.
Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE
(to Tyrone)
I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY
No no no pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE
(to the kid)
Where is it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE
Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY
Back off big boy.
TYRONE
I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down near the toilet. Tyrone
backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
He heads to the toilet again, and Pukeface rolls away.
ROY
I took a car, too.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which supposedly holds
something to eat.
GUARD
Shut up. Back away.
He slides it in.
GUARD
Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface
laughs. The kid stares.
Calling back to the guard.
ROY
Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option,
don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins
in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets agitated and starts yelling.
SKANK
Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot takes another
dump. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and shit. Skank throws his food at
Roy.
A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY
Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY
(feigns terror)
Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the already full toilet and then flushes. All of it floods the cell.
The guard watches it all.
PUKEFACE
Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD
You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
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June Fortunato’s Retirement Dialogue on The Attack! Day 9 Seducing Actors
What I learned: I knew the arc of the scene, and the end, and wrote the scene quickly.
Roy: Resourceful, crazyass, explosive, charming, rescuer, quick wit. Humor as a weapon.
Teach the kid how to fuck over the assholes and also- not to end up that way and, get himself a
better retirement plan.
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified TEEN (TYRONE) share the holding
cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth- eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a
load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks him out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY
You gotta learn to dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked, Pukerman, is menacing now. The others are
nervous, pacing, pounding the walls, yelling.
PUKERMAN
I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Red.
ROY
No no no pukeman. You have a case of “mistaken I. D.”
PUKERMAN
(to the kid)
Where is it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid.
PUKERMAN
Where’s the fucking blow?
Roy steps in between.
ROY
Back off big boy.
TYRONE
I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukefest. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and crashes his skull. Tyrone backs up
and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
ROY
I took a car.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that make you feel?
A guard comes in gray slop supposedly something to eat. The kid is starving, but when he tastes
it, he spits it out. Even the asshole druggies laugh. The kid stares.
ROY
Now that’s a fine service!
He smells it.
ROY
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. Think a hospital is a much better option,
don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop?
ROY
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins
in. Together, they slide all over the cell. The druggies get agitated and start yelling. The floor is
slick and stinking. The druggies throw their food at Roy.
A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Uh oh.
ROY
Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet. It fills the toilet and clogs it. One of the druggies takes
a dump and the cell overflows. The fellas are not pleased, and pummel the shit out of Roybeating
him senseless. The guard steps in and pulls the guys apart. The kid stands back in awe.
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June Fortunato’s Retirement Day 8 of seducing actors- outline driven by character
What I learned: Great assignment if you’ve got 23 hours to do it. I literally took that long. Nonetheless, I added a lot of “How” to the script, cut & rearranged scenes and added to the character descriptions of day 1.
1
Opening
1 EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy waits outside until he realizes that his girl, Suzy, moved out. He crashes there but the
landlord shows up so he steals the cleaning crew’s van and, wanting a place to sleep, he decides
on “jail” and deliberately smashes the van into a Wawa.
Roy: seductive & charming
He clowns into the windows to make Suzy happy.
2 INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Suzy’s gone- Humongous guilt
He gets the box he hid and finds Suzy’s note- she knows about his medal of honor.
Suzy’s note: A rescuer. She’s trying to take care of herself and it’s hard.
3 INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy: quick witted
Roy has prepped things to take off. He knew this was coming. He banters with the landlord who
is there to get Roy out.
4 EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN -CONTINUOUS
Roy does outrageous things. Rejection of authority.
Roy jacks the cleaning van and
4a INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
smashes it into a WAWA, asking for coffee.
5 INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON
Roy wise ass, tender with strays, brings pain onto himself
In Jail, he’s protective of the kid, plays with the food, and deliberately gets pummeled by the
other cellmates.
6 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
Roy- charming, rejection of authority
In the hospital, in traction. Flirts with his ex. Doctors tell him he can’t live rough anymore and he
tries to get up and can’t.
7. Roy: rejection of any suggestion to make his life easier, but the gig is up.
Suzy brings in a lawyer to help him- he faces criminal charges. He banters, sings and tries to set
up a smoke screen. Lawyer isn’t sure he got through to Roy. Suzy reassures both of them that this
is happening.
8 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – MORNING
Suzy and the lawyer in the hallway.
9 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE AFTERNOON
2
Roy: super moocher, charming, outrageous
Roy makes the rounds in the hospital and meets Kim. He dazzles and asks for money and is
surprised when she doesn’t have any.
Kim: super moocher, clever, musical.
She responds to his silly made up songs with fabulous cut down comebacks. He’s in love!
10 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy walks the halls looking for Kim and mooching from other patients and their families. He
grabs food off of other people’s lunches and brings it to Kim. He discovers:
Roy: rescuer, quick wit, outrageous
Kim: shattered, wounded, angry, cannot confront.
11 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- KIM’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Kim’s brother/sister in law harass and threaten her. Roy enters with the food and slices the
brother and sister in law with sideswiping insults. She gets her clothes and Roy takes Kim by the
arm and
11a INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
they waltz out.
Roy: rescuer, quick wit
11b INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Roy waits until Kim’s in the restroom, goes back to
11c INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- KIM’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Kim’s room and exclaims that Kim collapsed, they have to get to ER immediately- and
misdirects them. Brother Brian and sister in law Ingrid storm out.
12 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Kim slips out of the restroom, grabs keys from the nurse’s station, blows Roy a kiss and takes
off.
13: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – LATER
Roy, charming
Suzy: wants to believe in the goodness of others but often subjected to scams and pranks. Wary.
Roy is confronted by his ex, Suzy whose keys got stolen. She searches his room, but he’s
innocent. Roy smiles innocently and offers a side of his bed to Suzy to lay down beside him.
14. INT. COURTROOM – MORNING
Roy- rejection of authority, humongous guilt, outrageous things
Roy’s lawyer changes Roy’s status to ‘alive’ and his back payments cover the damages and
hospital bills he’s incurred. However, the judge orders him to get a bank account/place to live by
6 weeks or lose his benefits again.
Roy has a seriously hard time standing still and listening. His lawyer has a hand on his shoulder,
but Roy keeps miming a noose around his neck, reacting to a bullet to his heart, pretending to
drop (others catch him) basically out of control and mis-behavior in court.
3
15 INT. CITY HALL HALLWAYS / INT. LUNCH PLACE UPSCALE / HOSPITAL
ENTRANCE
Suzy goes to lunch with the lawyer. Roy is wheeled back to the hospital.
16 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – LATER
Roy stares alone in his hospital room.
End of the first 10 pages/inciting incident
17 INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
Kim: smart, observant
Kim parks Suzy’s car in a garage, turns over the keys, gets her receipt/ticket.
She takes in all she can about the office and how it works, and charms the attendant.
18. INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS
Kim prone to stealing and scamming, very smart, looks normal
Kim chats up a woman in the dressing stall near hers, helps the woman find clothes, and
meanwhile swaps her parking ticket with the lady’s. (Marilyn)
19. INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
Kim drives Marilyn’s car and leaves Suzy’s behind.
20. EXT/INT. MARILYN’S CAR & STREETS- CONTINUOUS
Kim drives Marilyn’s car to a small cabin near a city park and pulls over.
21 INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
Marilyn’s car is missing and she’s greatly delayed, and terribly worried about her pets being
alone for so long.
22 EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Kim: angry, resentful, fearful, loud
Kim has driven Marilyn’s car to her house (aka- her brother and sister in law forced her out
although she also owns it). She stares at it but her brother is inside. She slams on the horn and
yells profanities.
23 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING
Suzy gets a call that her car was found and feels terribly guilty that she accused Roy. She gets
something from a drawer, goes in to apologize to him, and he has set up an extra pillow on his
bed for her and pats the side of the bed. She responds: Not a chance, but she pulls out a taster
bottle of whiskey and gives it to him.
24. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING
Marilyn: motherly, insecure, encouraging, fragile. Doubtful. Marilyn’s dog trips her and she
breaks a hip. She calls the neighbor, whose kid resentfully agrees to walk the dogs and then
come in and pet sit until she can resolve this. She calls the mother of the kid several times to be
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reassured. She gives the kid money. She writes down instructions. But the ambulance comes and
she has to go.
25. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING
Kim self talks to balance and protect herself. Lonely. Acts fearlessly.
Kim, in her brand new stolen swimsuit, sits by the pool (pooched Marilyn’s gym pass) and
speaks loudly. Others are bewildered, so she goes into a monologue from a play suited to her
weird situation. Others just stare and assume that she’s rehearsing. One woman asks her to keep
it down, and Kim recites even louder. Soon, everyone vacates the pool area except for Kim.
26. INT. HOSPITAL- ER
Marilyn is wheeled into the ER and taken back immediately.
27. INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING
Kim, wants to be a good person.
Kim retrieves Marilyn’s car and decides to return it to the car park where she stole it.
She considers sleeping in the back seat but feels exposed under the bright lights of the club
parking. She roots through the trunk and grabs valuable things, a coat, shopping bags, a crowbar.
She keeps the gym pass and gets out and walks.
28. EXT. THEATRE – NIGHT
Kim loves to act and sing. She’s clever at finding cushy places to crash.
Kim walks into the stage entrance of a little theatre as the actors are exiting announcing she just
forgot her purse, running in frantically, making a scene. She slips in and dives for the dressing
rooms underground, where she hides behind a rack of clothes. Lights go out, people leave and
lock up. She emerges wearing a fancy toga- she’s set for the night.
29. INT. THEATRE – CONTINUOUS
Kim: clever. Longs to be an actor. Kim finds a good place to hide in the dressing rooms for the
night. Later, when the theatre is empty she indulges in the snack bar food and booze. She finds
plays and reads them aloud on the stage- dressed in costumes. This is a thrill. She finds the baby
grand on the stage, and sings, accompanying herself.
30 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING
Roy: charming, seductive Roy is released from the hospital with a reminder that he has 6 weeks
to get a bank account/permanent place, aka, get his act together or lose it all. He flirts with Suzy,
and she finds No hard to say so this raises red flags. She’s got to do something to get herself off
of Roy’s radar. And when Roy saw her with the lawyer it only peeked his competitive streak.
31 EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
Roy: resourceful. Indigent. Quick wit. Rejection of authority.
Roy discovers a box of fresh baguettes as they’re delivered outside of the Bellevue hotel. He
grabs one, and, dressed in the suit he wore to court, decides to explore inside.
32 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- GARDEN ROOM & HALLWAYS -CONTINUOUS
Quick wit, resourceful.
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Roy follows a group of suits into the garden room on the 19th floor. He chats them up. It’s a
group of osteo doctors, so he prattles on with his knowledge from personal experience. Then
follows an engineer up a set of obscured stairs and finds
33 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL-BALCONY- CONTINUOUS
Roy: indigent. Resourceful. Avoids normal.
He discovers an unused tiny balcony overlooking the Garden Room. It’s currently used to run
pipes. His feet make prints in the dust. Perfect! He’ll camp here.
34. INT. THEATRE – MORNING
Various clips of Kim enjoying the theatre and dreaming. She knows how to play piano and
accompanies herself. We must know that this is where her heart always was.
When people enter a couple of days later, she makes a hasty retreat- still wearing an Edwardian
costume and grabbing her street clothes and a few other items.
35. EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
She passes the car park where she stole and then returned Marilyn’s car on her way out and
overhears
36.INT./EXT. – PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
The car park attendant calls Marilyn. Horribly embarrassed, he says that Marilyn’s car was there
all along. He apologizes profusely. He doesn’t know how that could’ve happened. Then he turns
in his uniform. He’s been fired
Cut back and forth between the attendant and Kim’s actions.
Kim loudly criticizes herself and compares herself to her brother, and loudly tells herself that she
is NOT like him.
36a When the kid leaves, she stops him and tells him that she knows he’s having a bad day- sohere:
Take this bottle of Jack Daniels and these four theatre tickets. Everybody makes mistakes.
37 INT. BANK – ADMINISTRATOR’S CUBBY – MORNING
Flirty. Explosive side.
Roy goes to a bank but can’t get an account. He flirts his butt off, but, poor Roy isn’t so good
looking anymore. He talks about his ‘wife’ who needs surgery, and that he’s a vet, but he can’t
talk his way into this one. A rare moment of despair turns to an explosion. He lashes out and
flips the chair in the cubby, mugs for the cameras above, and heads for the door- the security
guard close at his heels. This is why he declared himself dead. Because of this society- these
corporate leeches- etc Outside, he screams, “I was better off dead.”
38 INT. BUS – AFTERNOON
Kim is scared and exhilarated.
Kim takes a bus to the same place where she drove- the edge of the city park.
39 EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN- AFTERNOON
Kim: bit of a thief. Reckless behavior. Needs what belongs to her and was taken. Kim is smart
and knows the law.
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She stares at the cabin. There’s a cliff below it. She goes to the edge of the cliff and
contemplates. Then she turns angrily, and yanks out all of the flowers around the cabin. She
smashes a window. She blames them and vows to be a better person. I will not be like you!
Her brother, inside, stands in front of the window, Ingrid directly behind him- and he makes a
phone call. Kim can hear through the broken glass.
Due to his smashed window and trashed flower beds, Kim’s brother reports her to be found and
since she owns part of the house and he can’t charge criminal mischief, instead, to be sent to a
psyche ward. Police will see this as a domestic dispute and discount it.
Kim is smart, though. Brian can try, but it’s her garden and she can garden if she wants.
40 INT. BUS- CONTINUOUS
Kim alternately weeps in frustration, triumph, and self talks loudly. The other passengers regard
her as just one of the nutcases who ride Septa.
Then she gets on a bus and heads back to center city.
41. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON
Roy meets with a building superintendent. They walk an extremely modest apartment. He tries to
secure an apartment but without money to deposit he’s rejected. The woman suggests that he
borrow money, and he stifles his impulse to implode. The charm has gone out of him.
42. EXT./INT. APARTMENT BUILDING- CONTINUOUS
Roy: Crazyass
When the rental agent leaves, he sneaks in and grabs the firehose, makes a noose and hangs it
outside over the entrance. He shouts and passersby worry that he intends to hang himself. He
tells everyone that this building refuses to rent to veterans. Tenants emerge. The manager comes
out and tries to dispel the notion. People scream at the manager. The manager tries to talk Roy
back into the building, but he is satisfied that he has created a controversy among the tenants- he
bows as he leaves.
End of Act 1
Act II Roy and Kim together
43. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY
Roy: self inflicted punishment
Roy returns to the Bellevue to his balcony. One has to be sneaky to get up there during daylight
hours. A floor manager’s jacket is draped over a chair, so he slips it on. He’s only questioned
once when a guest asks a question, but he says he’s new and points to a house phone. Safe for
now, he stares at a plate of food he’d stashed and deliberately forces himself to look at it without
eating.
44 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Marilyn: insecure, fragile, super worrier. Suzy- Rescuer, needs to get Roy off her radar so her
intention is to get him settled (and away from her.)
Marilyn, with a broken hip, is now in the osteo unit and Suzy is one of the nurses there.
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Marilyn asks/begs Suzy to call the kid who’s pet sitting. With no info, she’s worried sick. The
meds she’s on make her confused, and the family doesn’t pick up the phone. Suzy also can’t get
through so she promises to stop by after work and also knock on the neighbor’s door. She fears
her dogs are frantic.
Suzy suggests that Roy who is extremely kind to animals. He might be a mooch, but when it
comes to animals, he’s a pet whisperer. He might eat your food, but he’d take care of your pets
and lock up. Marilyn’s home is close by and she gives Suzy her keys.
45 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM
Kim: loud
Kim enters the Bellevue- and goes to the gym where she still has Marilyn’s pass but when she
tries to enter, they inform her that the membership is suspended. She loudly proclaims that, good,
that’s what a I want I was just making sure you didn’t cheat me and charge me when I clearly
suspended. Well done. Then she walks away.
46 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
Kim: Bit of a thief
Kim wanders the Bellevue and sneaks into a suite when housekeeping exits. On her way in, she
spots a break table with catering in a hallway. One of the wait staff looks at her oddly, so she
asks for Darjeeling tea, and the wait staff person goes to get it. Kim grabs food and slips into a
suite as housekeeping exits.
47 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
Kim: loud self talk
Inside the suite, it’s all that. Kim tears off her clothes, checks out the mini bar, takes a shower,
turns on the tv and climbs into the lovely, rich sheets. She loudly talks to herself throughout.
When she leaves the suite, she rigs the door to be able to re-open it.
48. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GARDEN ROOM
Sunday Brunch
Roy: super mooch. Kim: also super mooch.
Roy goes down the catering line getting gorgeous shrimps, made for him eggs, etc and spots Kim
ahead of him in line. He slips back to her and flirts. She’s game. They agree to meet in a certain
stairwell.
49 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – STAIRWELL.
Roy: charmer. Kim: wants to believe.
Roy finds Kim in the designated stairwell and they have quite a feast. Roy spreads a napkin on
her lap, they compare food choices and share and they find in each other a fellow traveler.
They’re delighted.
50 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- SUITE -CONTINUOUS
Roy: realizes that he’s lonely. Kim: is incredibly lonely. They are both mischievous.
Kim has invited Roy to her palace. It’s riskier than the balcony, but quite luxurious and private.
Plus, there’s a mini bar. They share stories but are platonic.
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Roy and Kim brainstorm places to mooch/freeload and try to outdo each other. They make a list
of pros and cons and then a bucket list for the two of them: a spin the bottle game. This is an
emotional breakthrough. Neither of them has had this kind of buddy- ever or maybe as a child.
Kim calls for room service for the room across the hall.
51 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAY AND THE OTHER ROOM
When the people from across the hall leave she catches the door and stays there until room
service arrives. Then she rolls it back to her suite
52 INT.BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
She and Roy have another feast. Later, lux baths and they sleep in beautiful, but separate beds.
53 INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE -EVENING
Suzy: tries to correct every problem. Wants to get Roy off her radar.
Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house. The door is unlocked, the place is a disaster- the kid had a partyand
the dogs are freaked. She calls her nurses’ station and asks another nurse to tell Marilyn that
she’s in the house and will take care of the pets and everything. Then she feeds the dogs and
takes them out, locking the door behind her.
54. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE- EVENING
When Suzy returns with the dogs, the kid who messed up the house is there with friends, tearing
up the place again. He’s shocked when she enters.
Suzy grabs the kid by the ear and makes him clean up the mess, grills and chastises him while
she watches. After the house is reasonably in order, she demands his keys- but he refuses to
give them to her. I will be here from now on. Don’t come back here. Exhausted, she leaves
another message for Marilyn that she’ll stay overnight. She hunts up one of the kids’ left-over
pizzas and crashes with the dogs on the couch.
55. INT. BUS – PARKSIDE – THE NEXT DAY
They ride to Kim’s cliffside haunt.
56. EXT. PARKSIDE- CONTINUOUS
Roy: charming, witty, kindhearted with strays (including Kim)
Kim: Off balance, lonely, desperate for allies.
She’s impressed with his gentleness and animal whisperer magic. He can’t believe that he
allowed someone to see this tender side.
Kim takes Roy to show him her house- the cliff/cabin. They stay out of sight. Roy doesn’t know
why they’re there. Kim changes from sunny to strung out. She starts loud self talk. Roy doesn’t
know how to deal with it. Kim tells him that the house belongs to her, too but Brian took it and
his wife is the one who pushed her down the steps. Roy becomes protective of her. Roy suggests
going to a festival in Atlantic City when a baby squirrel runs to Roy and climbs onto his foot. to
Kim, it’s a mystical sign. Roy finds the nest – 20 feet high in a tree- climbs it, and returns the
baby. Kim feels, for the first time, in the presence of someone who is decent, good and solid.
She’s touched and impressed. They find her secret ‘cove’ smoke weed, and climb back onto a
bus- this time headed for AC.
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57. EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL/CARNIVAL-MONTAGE
Roy: PTSD. Crazyass. Self-inflicted pain. Explosive.
Kim: Deep empathy. Can be kind.
Roy and Kim are in Atlantic City at a carnival. It’s a blast. They sneak onto rides, into fun houses
and steal food. But when Roy sees a family- a parent beats a kid while simultaneously, he hears
loud booms from one of the amusements- and his PTSD is triggered. He has a melt down- he’s
distraught and goes wild.
57a Roy jumps onto a stage, drags Kim onto the stage with him- cracks very bad sarcastic and
obscene jokes- borderline vicious and seems like an act. But for Kim, it’s a horrific scene. It feels
threatening. It escalates.
57b People haul him off and drag him into a
58. INT. ATLANTIC CITY FESTIVAL- HOLDING ROOM
The melt down moment is a big step toward Roy’s transformation.
Roy: Beaten down. Kim: motherly. Musical. Impulse to run.
Kim sits on the floor with him and sings and whispers to him, calms him. He reveals that he was
a soldier; that he’s death. He screams at her to get away from him and to let him die in a ditch.
She’s not deterred. She continues to whisper, sing and tell him that he’s a good man.
He looks at her; starts to come back to the world. His look says it all- that he needs her. That he
wants her. That he feels like maybe he’s alive when she’s there.
Kim is not stupid. She understands, so she gets up.
There’s a KNOCKING ON THE WALL when the POLICE arrive.
59. EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – OUTSIDE OF HOLDING ROOM
Kim convinces them that Roy’s OK, he just needs quiet for a while, and she leaves.
60. EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- BEACH- NIGHT
Roy: He’s fallen in love with Kim and hates himself for it.
Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. He looks under the PIER. He contemplates drowning.
Under the pier, two teenagers make love. They shit talk him for watching- but he knows that they
will not be this innocent for long- that life will crush them eventually.
He comes back with a barrage of George Carlin riffs. They think he’s both funny and annoying.
When the laugh, he’s satisfied and leaves them in peace.
He follows a few day-trip church ladies on their way back to Philly.
61. INT. CHURCH LADY BUS
Roy: super mooch and charming.
He slides in with the ladies for a free ride back to Philly. He’s of the same age: super familiar,
and no-one questions whose boyfriend/husband he is. He partakes of the treats they pass around.
62. EXT. BUS STATION & CAFE ACROSS THE STREET
Suzy: caretaker. Wants to fix everything. Wants to get Roy off of her radar by setting him up
elsewhere. Roy: charming.
On a hunch, Suzy and the lawyer sit at an outdoor lunch place near the bus terminal. She and the
lawyer are hitting it off and he’s willing to humor her. Suzy wants to find Roy to set him up with
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Marilyn’s house/pet sit. The hunch pays off. She spots him. Suzy and the lawyer convince him to
meet Marilyn about pet sitting/and to have an address for a while.
63. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Roy: charming. Tender with the damaged. Marilyn: fragile. Generous. Quick to make a decision
she might later regret. Another step toward Roy’s transformation.
Roy likes Marilyn but she’s asking for a commitment. The more hesitant he is, the more Marilyn
presses him. Suzy steps in to reassure both of them. She tells Marilyn about Roy’s many rescues:
a skunk, many feral cats, etc. Marilyn shows him snapshots of her dogs. They’re German
Shepherds-which tear at Roy’s heart because he loved a shepherd in Nam- a service dog with his
company, named Elsie. His response is wild – he barks like a dog- he whistles like the critters he
heard in the jungle- Suzy steps in. Marilyn is not dissuaded. She remembers this war, too.
Marilyn says he can use her address but he has to stick with it until she gets better and can go
home. She says the cupboards are full. Roy resigns himself to giving it a try. Suzy will take him
there when she gets off her shift.
64. INT. ATLANTIC CITY – A CLOSET – MORNING
Kim: resourceful
Kim, having slept in a casino meeting room closet in Atlantic City, grabs food off of a catering
table and heads into the sunlight.
65 EXT AC BEACH
Kim looks for Roy on the beach. She asks people if they’ve seen him. Then she bums a ride to
Philly with a couple who’ve gambled all night.
66 INT CAR
Kim makes up tales of losing a grand and the imaginary man who courted her and left her there,
broke. They share their food and drop her off at the Bellevue.
67 EXT./INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLS AND BALCONY
Clever. But not enough.
Kim returns to the Bellevue. She heads to Roy’s balcony and but a suspicious houseman follows
her, so she has to make up a BS story to get away. Meanwhile, she’s blown his retreat because
they’ve discovered his things there. The houseman makes sure that she exits the building…
but she doesn’t go far
68. INT. UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY
Kim ends up in an underground car park in a heating/cooling cubby or in an unlocked van.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past.
69 INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Roy sits alone with the dogs. He stares. He’s not sure he likes this new life. He’s a fish out of
water. He doesn’t even know how to turn on the TV. He closes all of the curtains- rumbles
around the house staring- he sits in every chair. he plays with the dogs, and tells them they’re too
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good for him. One of the dogs is particularly loving to Roy, and starts to break Roy’s heart. He
struggles accepting this innocent, sweet creature- and wants to punish himself and sleep on
concrete- but he has made a promise. He’s so conflicted and hasn’t had to face this, at all, in 40
years- because this time, he has permission- and in so many ways, it’s so much easier when
everyone just wants you to die. To counteract this feeling he fashions a tent out of blankets and
he and the dogs crawl into it. The cocoon is more comforting.
70 INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy if she knows where Roy is. Suzy tells Kim that she skipped
out without a doctor’s release- and she also, curiously, disappeared at the same time Suzy’s keys
disappeared. Kim acts the innocent on all counts. This is a big step for Kim, who avoids direct
confrontation and now has walked into it. Suzy is busy and doesn’t answer questions about
Roy’s whereabouts.
71 Marilyn: easily duped. Kim: reckless
On the way out, Kim sees Marilyn and stops by her doorway. Marilyn recognizes her from the
dressing room and asks this nice girl to visit. Marilyn has no idea that Kim stole her car.
72 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – MARILYN’S ROOM
Kim enters. She feels great remorse about the car but she knows that she escaped blame. Marilyn
and Kim hit it off. Kim is sisterly/motherly and fusses over Marilyn’s collar. Marilyn says that a
man named Roy is taking care of her pets but if anything happens, maybe you can do it- because
I’ll be here for 6 weeks…. “I knew you were a nice girl” is upsetting so Kim makes her excuse to
leave.
73 EXT./INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS
Roy is anxious. Not accepting this easy life.
He walks the dogs and then carefully stows them in the house- well fed and loved. Then he goes
out walking.
74 INT. REVOLVING RESTAURANT- NIGHT & MORNING
Roy sneaks his way up the service elevator of a revolving restaurant. He hangs out in the
restroom until they close for the night. Then he emerges- He stares at the city below and falls
asleep on the floor. When Roy rises the next morning, a FILM CREW is setting up near the park.
75 EXT. STREETS
Desperate for his old life, Roy walks the dogs, and sits staring once again. He jumps up, goes to
the hospital
76 INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
and hands Marilyn her keys. Now they’re stuck finding a new sitter. Marilyn suggests Kim, but
who knows how to get ahold of Kim? Roy goes to the film set
77 EXT. FILM SET
Roy weasels his way onto the set and convinces them that he works on the pyro unit. He prefers
to sleep in one of the trucks, or even, in the honey wagon. He eats the catering, banters with the
guys and teaches them some of his tricks with explosives. He gets clothes from the costumer and
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actually earns his way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are pissed off. His
supervisor and pals who like him, give him some cash but he must leave. On his way out, he sets
pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
78 EXT. HOSPITAL
The windows vibrate with the explosion.
79 EXT. STREETS
Roy wanders. He looks for Kim in the secret places she mentioned.
Second turn-end of act 2: Roy is lost about what to do. He longs for Kim- doesn’t know if he
should go back to Marilyn’s- or just lie in a ditch…
80 EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
Kim is at the cabin near the cliffs again. This time, she peers into the windows. Empty. She
picks the lock and enters. She takes a shower, changes clothes which are clearly hers, and when
she leaves, she breaks as many mirrors, ceramic and glass items as she can- goes to the bus stop
and waits.
Act 3
81 INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY -DAY
Roy finally discovers Kim shoplifting. He’s thrilled. She shows him how to do it- They shoplift
sandwiches – wine.
82 INT. CITY HALL TOWER
They go up to the top of city hall and look over the city and have a picnic. Roy tells her about the
pet sit. Kim explains that she’s the ‘bitch’ who caused Marylin’s mess- Roy is lost. Kim softens
her stance and comforts him. She also wants to meet the dogs.
And sleep in the city hall tower- overlooking the city and holding each other tight. It’s brilliant,
and they kiss for the first time. They bond. They disclose secrets. This is big for both of them.
They sleep in the tower, and when Roy wakes, Kim is gone. Kim can’t face her demons, so she
has left in the night. It’s freezing all alone up there. This time, he suspects that she doesn’t want
to do this life without him, either. He feels hopeful that she’ll come around.
83 EXT. STREETS
On his way back to the hospital, Roy collapses on the street. People ignore him and step over and
around him. He leans against a building and bawls. He wanders his way to the hospital weaving
and weak.
84. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
Suzy checks him. High blood pressure. He hasn’t been taking his meds. (He didn’t buy them.)
He sits for a while and Marilyn spots him. She asks him to visit.
85. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
(Reenlisting is a step toward Roy’s transformation.)
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Marilyn is understanding and suggests that he share the gig with Kim. The thought makes Roy
more positive-but nobody knows how to get ahold of Kim.
86 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM- AFTERNOON
Roy shows up at the hospital with Marilyn’s dogs. Kim is there! Visiting with Marilyn.
The tour sequence/Montage
While daily checking in with the dogs and Marilyn, Roy and Kim trade favorite mooch places
and spend time at each.
87 INT. THEATRE
They spend a night at the theatre and Kim ‘treats’ Roy to the goodies, shows him around- he turns
on the lights- they even talk to the theatre ghost. As a prank, they move set pieces, and spell out
things with the costume shoes. They grab wigs and prosthetics for disguises when they leave.
88 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
They take care of Marilyn’s dogs, and sneak the dogs in to see Marilyn. Marilyn is amused with
their get-ups. They bring Marilyn magazines and goodies from her home.
89 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL
They get kicked out of the Bellevue. At first, disguised with wigs and wearing strange, pioneer
costumes, they escape the eye of security- on the lookout for them. However, they are
conspicuous! and draw the questions of amused guests. They slip into the back hallways, grab
food off of a Queen (tall cart) eat in their stairwell and get caught by a shocked engineer.
Security boots them out, but Kim has a laugh putting Roy’s mustache onto the guard, first.
90 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
They take care of Marilyn’s dogs, and sneak the dogs in to see Marilyn. Kim trims Marilyn’s hair.
91 INT. MACY’S EX WANNAMAKER STORE
They spend a night under the pipe organ in the old Wannamaker department store. It’s very easy
to hide under clothes racks and storage cubbies, and both get a serious upgrade in clothing. The
food is limited to fancy cookies and chocolates, but so what? They still have to be quiet, thoughbecause
security roams the halls, even at night.
92 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
They take care of Marilyn’s dogs. Kim paints Marilyn’s nails and sings to her.
93 INT. LONGWOOD GARDENS
They slip in with a tour group – cool back of house workings of the fountain! walk the outdoor
gardens and end in the heated greenhouse where Kim wants to sleep under the banana trees. The
tropical plants trigger Roy, though. He tells a harrowing story from VietNam, and they leave in
the middle of the night- hitchhiking back to Philadelphia and Marilyn’s home.
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94 MARILYN’S HOUSE- NIGHT
The dogs are thrilled to see them, and they fall asleep on the floor in the living room, curled up
with the pups.
95 EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN- LATE AFTERNOON
Bonded, and intimate now, Roy and Kim go to the cabin/cliff. Kim discloses her plan to burn the
place down and then, when her brother shows up, commit suicide in front of him. How could
this woman give up? The idea shocks Roy’s protective instinct and he vows to rescue her from
that fate. She admits what she did to Marilyn, and how she’s no better than her brother. Roy
makes a deal- you tell Marilyn what you did, and I will accept my fate and take Marilyn’s
address.
96 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – MARILYN’S ROOM
After Kim has told Marilyn what she did. She expects to be vilified and starts to leave. Instead,
after initial shock, Marilyn forgives and accepts Kim for who she is. She too, has done things she
hates but she never got the chance to admit them and apologize. She commends Kim for being
brave enough and sorry enough to ask forgiveness. The moment is cathartic for Kim, who has
never been fully accepted by anyone else but Roy.
97 EXT. HOSPITAL GROUNDS – DAY
Roy wheels Marilyn on the grounds but she has become increasingly frail. She falls over in her
wheelchair, and when Roy gets her back to her room- Suzy pulls him into the HALL and tells
him that Marilyn’s being transported to HOSPICE.
While/ INTERCUT
98 INT. MARILYN’S HOME- DAY
Kim has stayed behind with one of the dogs who’s sick. She roots around in Roy’s belongings
and finds the Medal of Honor, in a ragged old towel. Now she understands why he feels so much
guilt- honored despite the fact that so many people died at his hands.
CRISIS
99. INT. MARILYN’S HOME- LATER
Roy enters and finds Kim holding his Medal of Honor. She has a bottle of Jim Bean, pot, and a
warm bath for Roy. She scrubs his back and sings to him. He tells her about following a sketchy
order, yes sir! And he blew up what turned out to be a village. The sight of it in the morning was
more than he could bear. He deliberately blew off the fingers of his left hand so that he could
leave that place. That is where he learned to use humor as his weapon. Kim listens. She’s about
to disappear once again, and he begs her to stay. Or they should commit suicide together. Please
don’t leave him anymore. She leaves the room.
100. INT. MARILYN’S HOME- CONTINUOUS
In the hallway, she comes to a decision.
15
CLIMAX
101. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN-NIGHT
Kim’s brother, Brian and his wife, Ingrid corner Kim. Kim has spray painted a vertical line
dividing the house. She’s labeled one half “Kim’s” and the other “The Scum”
Brian and Ingrid, pulling suitcases and heading out, spot Kim. They’re about to leave for 6
months in Europe. They have a huge argument, a blowout, threaten Kim with a psyche ward and
jail – and Kim finally speaks her mind- this time, calmly and assured. Roy witnesses it and now
he knows the full story- of how her home was taken from her, of how Brian tormented Kim even
as a child. Roy is reassured that what he’s about to do is right.
Brian is surprised that anyone cares at all about Kim or is in her life. This moment transforms all
of the characters- Kim, Roy, Brian, even Ingrid. Ingrid refuses to listen and drags Brian into their
car and they take off threatening that Kim will have to pay for the damages.
Roy says that he will try, every day, to forgive himself. He promises to be patient and accept her
in every way. Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy
promises an exciting and mischievous life for Kim and she agrees to stay. At least, for a while…
And then, Roy and Kim enter the house, turn on the gas full, and have a picnic on the cliff. After
they finish their wine, Kim opens a window, they back far away, and Roy tosses a Molotov
cocktail into the house. And the house explodes sky high.
RESOLUTION
102. INT. COURTROOM- DAY
Roy and Kim win the legal right to the deed housesit and put their names on the address. Marilyn
is there to sign. Suzy’s lawyer friend has helped figure this out. Marilyn feels so good that she
thinks she may even move back to the house and live with them, which makes Roy and Kim look
at each other and you know what they’re thinking: “Uh Oh. Gotta go.”
FADE TO BLACK
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June Fortunato’s Translated characters Day 7 of seducing actors
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE AFTERNOON
7) Roy seeks Kim and overhears Kim in an argument with her brother,
Brian (a high-up muckety muck in the city) and her brother’s wife,
Ingrid. They argue that they will deny Kim’s claim that Ingrid pushed
her and tell everyone that it was self-inflicted, and get her
committed to a psyche hospital with no escape. Kim is paralyzed with
fear and anger. Ingrid doesn’t want Kim to live in their house- the
family house that they both own, but that Brian took over- even
though it was left to both Kim and the bro.
7a) Roy interferes by saying that he and Kim are required in physical
therapy. He grabs her clothes and whisks her out. Kim slips away and
heads to a restroom.
Roy
Role: Protagonist. Vet. Indigent.
Age range/description: late 60s hotwired charming
Trait A explosive side.
Yo, yo, yo you’re upsetting the little lady
Maybe you rich folk can take a lesson and shut your fucking jaws
Sit down and zip it, my man. We have rules around here.
Only a coward bullies a lady, and that goes for the husband, too.
Trait B charming & seductive,
There’s my fractured bird. Time to get physical- pardon, our therapist awaits.
Now why would a suit like you get all hot and bothered by this little starling?
I’ll tell you what, your brother here is pooping his trousers. But that’s ok man. Your wife
will bag your butt.
Well now, well now, your brother and his bitch, are getting all sweaty, aren’t you now
brother? What’day say, Kim? You go get the medics to sedate them and I’ll stand here and make
sure they stay for their meds. don’t you worry about a thing, bro. we’re gonna get you nice and
calm.
Trait C tender with strays and has a rescuer impulse
Ooops, miss Kim, so sorry to pull you from your obviously lovely family visit but you’re
needed in physical.
Come on dear, take my arm. Don’t mind us, if I take my girl away from her poddy
wetting family. We might have injuries but it’s better than not having a spine.
Schadenfreude. Asshole. Come on, Kim.
Trait D quick wit, self-inflicts pain, fierce rejection of authority of any kind.
Ding dong party’s over. Kim is requested in physical therapy.
2. Want/Need summary: Roy: wants to keep punishing himself, needs to come to terms and let
himself live & love.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) summary Roy: Deeply afraid of who he will hurt so he acts
fearless. Eschews love while simultaneously wants & needs it – and yet gives love in spades.
Don’t let me interrupt, dragon breath, but sweet Kim is needed elsewhere.
4. Secret Summary Roy: For his outrageous acts as a pyrotech in Viet Nam, Roy was lauded as a
hero and saved his fellow soldiers many times over- until he followed a questionable order to
blew up a suspected Kong village- which turned out to be children, women, farmers, animals.
This blew his soul and he vowed to forever hurt himself and to never live comfortably. He
expects and almost wants to be shunned because he cannot accept himself.
5. Flaw Roy:
Immediate rejection of any suggestion to make his life easier: it’s a snap reflex. Deeply wounded
so he acts careless and thick skinned. When he confronts, it’s hit and run. A superior moocher
for survival’s sake he feels that he’ll fail disastrously if he really tries. He cannot accept himself
and doesn’t expect much for long.
6. Special Roy:
Despite the wild and reckless exterior, Roy can be thoughtful, tender and can be incredibly
gentle. He’s endearing. He’s generous. He’s funny and crazy/cannot be pinned down. Expert
pyrotech.
———————–
Kim
1. Basic character traits summary: Kim: Loudly self-converses to protect herself, on the edge of a
meltdown, fiercely angry, deeply wounded/betrayed. Fearless behavior despite grave fears,
clever, loves to act and imitate people. Musical. Feels desperately alone. Deep empathy. Wants
to be a good person.
Trait A edge of a meltdown
Why don’t you care anymore?
Trait B fiercely angry
you’re the one who did this. you did this to me
Trait C wounded
Now you want to shut me up
Trait D Reckless
Oh, just wait. Just wait and see what happens when you’re not looking.
2. Want/Need Summary Kim: She wants & needs for things to be in balance. This is the opposite
of Roy. She wants her relationship with her brother, Brian, to be happy again- She needs to stand
her ground- to deny his power over her – and to never deal with him thereafter. Very alone, she
needs a solid trustworthy ally.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) Kim: wants to believe/can never believe again. She wants to be
settled but can’t sit still. She wants to confront and finish the argument but can’t face her brother.
She wants to be wild but always makes amends what she took. She wants to love deeply but
locks down her heart.
I wish I could believe you still care. Mom would want you to.
4. Secret summary: Kim
When their parents died, her brother took control of the house including power of attorney. He
remarried to a materialistic, narcissistic bitch, who is determined to take it all and get rid of Kim.
She convinced Kim’s brother to have Kim committed to a psyche ward, pushed Kim down a
flight of stairs, and trashed Kim’s reputation.
5. Flaw summary Kim: her loud self-talk outs herself- but she needs it to think straight. She can’t
find balance. She can’t be the ‘girlie’ that her brother and parents forced on her. She can’t
confront. She trusts too much and walks into bad shit.
6. Special Kim: she has a ream of artistic talents. She comes from a well off family, and she can
sing and act. She’s handy with tools and can pick a lock in under 30 seconds. She’s a minor thief
but it’s to self prove she can be bold. Like Roy, she also “steps in it “on purpose. She has some
skills with urban medicine/local plants.
She taunts fate by stealing things just to get away with it.
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June Fortunato’s Retirement Character Chemistry. Day 6 of seducing actors What I learned: Good chart exercise.
Top 5 characters: Roy, Kim, Suzy, Marilyn, Brian/Ingrid
1) Roy & Suzy- Protagonist/Antagonist-Ally
A. Common ground- shared a relationship- he made her laugh and to feel needed, he needed a warm place and warm heart. B. Differences- Roy is a mooch and Suzy got tired of disappointments and carrying his butt C. Playing the same game/competing agendas- Suzy has to get Roy out of her life so that means settled elsewhere. Roy has to get settled but forget about with Suzy! D. Need fulfillment-Roy was able to lift Suzy’s spirits and Suzy fed and housed Roy.
2) Roy & Kim- Protagonist/Antagonist-Ally
A. Common ground- both are running, both live rough, both are afraid to confront the past- deep mutual understanding. B. Differences- Roy cannot forgive himself. Kim cannot forgive her brother. If Roy can learn to forgive himself, Kim can learn to forgive her brother. C. Playing the same game/competing agendas- They play the same game but Roy wants to do it together and Kim wants to do it alone. D. Need fulfillment- each has a strength when the other is weak. Kim is soothing. Roy is strong for her and they’re both fun.
3) Kim & Brian/Ingrid- Protagonist/Antagonists
A. Common ground- brother and sister, they grew up together, they both inherited the family house. B. Differences- Brian married Ingrid who wants Kim out and Brian is a wimp who does what Ingrid demands. Kim is appalled at the rejection and betrayal and abandonment and wants her due but especially, for Brian to admit and tell her why. C. Playing the same game/competing agendas- It’s about the estate. It’s about who’s in control. D. Need fulfillment- Both characters have similar needs/goals and compete for them.
4) Suzy and Marilyn – Protagonist/ supporting character A. Common ground- both in the osteo unit and both devoted to the health of the patient(s) B. Differences- Suzy is the nurse and Marilyn is the patient- but both have needs that each other can fill. C. Playing the same game/competing agendas- Get Marilyn’s pets and house taken care of and get Roy out of Suzy’s personal relationship. D. Need Fulfillment- Suzy needs Roy settled and Marilyn needs to be settled.
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June Fortunato’s REVISED Character Arc Day 5 for Retirement (March 20, 2022)
Note: I’ve noted new scenes and transformations in bold
What I learned – I’d already done this work- the most difficult thing about this assignment was to find and compile my information through my many notes and postings and outlines. I would
prefer to go forward instead of backtracking so often.
4. Protagonist Character Arc: Issue: Roy fears showing any weakness because of the shame and emasculation. In the war, his unintended collateral damage of killing an entire village haunts him, so he declared himself dead, and vowed to never have a comfortable life or steady place to live.
Challenges: Roy’s body is trashed and he has to stop living rough. He has to ‘become alive’ legally, and get a place to live to receive his earned SSI and veteran’s benefits. For the first time in his life, he meets someone- a soulmate- and longs to take care of her and be with her- to live.
Transformation: A car crash, huge debts, meeting Kim, and the slow release of information because of her- by the end he has had a melt down, a cathartic weeping, and accepted his flaws, and learned to believe in forgiveness.
4.
Revised 3/20/22
Opening
1,2,3. EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy waits outside until he realizes that his girl, Suzy, moved out. He crashes there but the
landlord shows up so he steals the cleaning crew’s van and, wanting a place to sleep, he decides
on “jail” and deliberately smashes the van into a Wawa.
4,5. INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON
The food sucks so he decides that jail is not a good retirement plan. He baits his cellmates and
gets pummeled so that he can go to option 2: the hospital – where coincidently his (ex) girl
works.
6, 6a, 6b.6bb. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
Roy is in traction. Doctors inform him that he can’t live “rough” anymore- his body is ruined.
His ex, Suzy, hooks him up with a lawyer to represent him because he faces criminal charges,
hospital debts and he owes her money, too.
First bit of Roy’s transformation- he needs to come to terms with his life and his very identity.
Lawyer works with Suzy because he’s attracted to her and she agrees to a date.
6c,7, 7a,8,9.INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER –
LATE AFTERNOON Roy meets another patient, Kim, who’s healing after a horrific ‘accident’
Kismet. Later, Roy rescues her from her oppressive (visiting) brother. Kim steals keys from the
nurses’ station and bolts. They are Suzy’s keys. Suzy accuses Roy of taking them but he’s
innocent.
Meeting Kim has given Roy hope. Kim is clearly special and resonated with him.
10. INT. COURTROOM – MORNING
After the war, Roy had himself declared dead and his lawyer figures out how to change that
status so that he can collect his SSI and Veterans’ pay boost. His backpay covers all of his recent
2
debts but he must get a bank account to collect further payments. This is a dramatic change of
identity, and a catch 22- without an address- no bank account- no bank account = no address.
Meanwhile, Kim has Suzy’s car and she doesn’t want to be found.
10b. After the court date, Suzy goes to lunch with the lawyer while Roy is wheeled back to the
osteo unit, and stares in his room, alone.
End of first 10 pages
11. INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
Kim parks Suzy’s stolen car in a parking garage where they park the car for you and give you a
claim ticket.
INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS
Kim chats with another shopper, a kind woman, Marilyn, and swaps her parking claim ticket for
hers.
12, 14. INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
Kim gets Marilyn’s car. Among the goodies in the car, she finds a gym membership. She drives
Marilyn’s car to a cabin near a cliff and stares at it. She sees her brother through the window and
drives away. She heads to Marilyn’s gym while
13. INT. PARKING GARAGE
Marilyn learns that her car is missing, she’s greatly delayed and worries about her pets at home.
15. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING
Suzy’s car was found in the parking garage. Roy is still in the hospital under her watch.
16. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING
Marilyn gets home late, her pets are frantic, and one trips her and causes her to break a hip. She
calls a neighbor to pet-sit. The neighbor allows her kid to do it but he’s resentful.
17, 17a. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING
Intro to Bellevue Hotel- Kim talks loudly to herself at the adjoining club swimming pool to
express trauma from going to the cliff/cabin. She decides not to be like her brother, and to return
Marilyn’s car to the parking garage.
17b. INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING
Kim parks Marilyn’s car but keeps the gym pass. She walks to a nearby legit theatre.
17c. EXT./INT. THEATRE – NIGHT
Kim sneaks in as the house crew is locking up. Kim longs to be an actor and has a blast
performing on the empty stage and dressing in costumes in the dark theatre. (dark, as in “no
performances”)
18. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING
Roy is released from the hospital. He’s reminded that he has 6 weeks to get his act together or
lose it all. He flirts with Suzy, and she finds No hard to say so this raises red flags. She’s got to
do something to get herself off of Roy’s radar.
18a, 18b EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
Roy discovers a box of fresh baguettes as they’re delivered outside of the Bellevue. He grabs
one, and, dressed in his ‘court suit’ decides to explore inside. He finds a balcony above one of
the meeting rooms that’s used to run pipes. It’s a perfect place: food, restrooms, shelter- to camp
out and no one will find him.
19. INT. THEATRE – MORNING
3
Clips of Kim, exploring and enjoying the theatre and theatre bar. The place feels like home until
crew enter to set up and she sneaks out. She sings on the stage and accompanies herself on the
piano.
19a, 19b, 19c EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
Kim passes the parking garage where she stole and then returned the car and overhears the
parking attendant apologizing because he couldn’t find Marilyn’s car and now has found it- he
gets fired. Kim feels incredibly guilty and as he’s walking out, head hanging, she approaches,
gives him a pep talk, a bottle of Jack Daniels from the theatre bar, and a handful of theatre
ticket she stole.
20. BANK
Roy is rejected for an account. He is ushered out the door.
21. INT. BUS – AFTERNOON
Kim returns to the cliffside cabin. She yanks out all of the flowers, smashes a window and
returns to center city.
22, 22a. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON
Roy’s attempt at renting and apartment is rejected, so he sneaks back in, grabs the fire hose,
makes it into a noose and hangs it over the front door.
End of Act I
Act II Roy and Kim together
23. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY
Roy returns to live on the Bellevue balcony.
24. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Now Marilyn is in the osteo unit. She’s frantic about her pets. Suzy tries to contact the kid/petsitter,
can’t and reluctantly promises to check in on the pets. She also recommends Roy as a bit
weird but a serious animal lover and trustworthy.
25, 26, 26a, 26b,27 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
Kim enters the Bellevue and goes to the gym. Later, she wanders the hotel and slips into an
empty suite to crash in. Roy, also at the Bellevue, with a big plate of brunch food, finds Kim in a
stairwell, also indulging. Kim invites Roy to her suite, they share stories and bond. Later, they
steal another meal, this time by ordering room service to another room & grabbing it- and share
the lux suite platonically.
This is a softening of Roy’s hard exterior. He has had many women, but this one is thrilling.
27a, 27b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Suzy finds Marilyn’s house wrecked from a party. When the kid stops by with his friends to have
another party, she makes him clean his mess and then boots him out. Now she’s stuck.
27c. LOCATION TBD
Due to his smashed window and trashed flower beds, Kim’s brother reports her to be found and
since she owns part of the house and he can’t charge criminal mischief, instead, to be sent to a
psyche ward.
28. INT. BUS – PARKSIDE
Kim takes Roy to show him the cliff/cabin. They stay out of sight. He doesn’t know why they’re
there. Kim turns from sunny to strung out. He suggests going to a festival in Atlantic City. While
at the cliffside, a baby squirrel runs to him for protection. He replaces the fallen squirrel in its
nest, and she’s impressed with his gentleness and animal whisperer magic. He can’t believe that
he allowed someone to see this tender side.
4
28a INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Suzy still can’t get ahold of Roy. She lets Marilyn know that she’ll stay for the night to take care
of the pets but she’s determined to find an alternative to this arrangement.
29, 30a, 31 EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL
Roy and Kim have a great time at the festival/carnival until something triggers his PTSD, he
melts down, acts crazy and people haul him into a small room. Kim stays with him, sings to him,
calms him. It helps both of them. It’s emotionally revelatory. Roy asks her to be with him and she
flatly refuses. She speaks with police and then disappears. In the morning, Roy searches for Kim
on the beach without luck and he returns to Philly.
The melt down moment is a big step toward Roy’s transformation.
31a EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET
On the way back to his Bellevue balcony, he runs into Suzy (and the lawyer) Suzy and the
lawyer convince him to meet Marilyn about pet sitting/and having an address for a while.
32. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Roy and Marilyn hit it off. She decides to give him a try. Roy resigns himself to it, as well.
Another step toward Roy’s transformation.
32a 32b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Suzy takes her lunch to introduce Roy to the pets/house. They take to him immediately and
vice/versa.
33, 33a INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET, BUS, BELLEVUE, UNDERGROUND
CAR PARK CUBBY
Kim wakes in a closet in Atlantic City, looks for Roy on the beach, and takes a bus back to
Philly. She looks for him on his Bellevue balcony, but he’s gone. Her suite is occupied. She ends
up the underground car park- in a heating/cooling room/cubby or in an unlocked van.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy slowly comes to terms with his past.
34. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Roy sits alone with the dogs- not so comfortable with this new life.
34a. One of the dogs is particularly loving to Roy, and starts to break Roy’s heart. He struggles
accepting this innocent, sweet creature- and wants to punish himself and sleep on concretebut
he has made a promise. He’s so conflicted and hasn’t had to face this, at all, in 40 yearsbecause
in so many ways, it’s so much easier when everyone just wants you to die.
35. INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
Kim searches for Roy/asks Suzy about his whereabouts. On the way out, Marilyn sees her and
calls her into her room. Marilyn asks Kim if she’d be interested in pet sitting. Kim feels guilty as
hell for causing Marilyn’s grief.
36, 37. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS & REVOLVING RESTAURANT &
HOSPITAL
Roy is anxious. He cares for the dogs and goes walking. He eventually sleeps on the floor of a
tower / revolving restaurant and in the morning sees a film crew setting up below. He returns to
take care of the dogs, then drops the keys off at the hospital. (I’m out.) Now Marilyn and Suzy
are stuck again.
5
38, 38a, 39. EXT. FILM SET
Roy helps himself to the free food and weasels his way onto a Pyro crew- his wartime specialty.
They love him and he’s good at what he does. His new friends let him stay with them, or he
sleeps in the honeywagon or a truck if he has to. On pay day, the boss learns he wasn’t actually
hired, doesn’t pay him and kicks him out. The friends give him some cash, and when he leaves,
he blows up the union boss’ trailer. The crew who are left behind, get blamed for the “accident.”
40. EXT. STREETS
Roy wanders looking for Kim.
40a. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
Kim, at the cliff/cabin again, unlocks the door takes a shower, dresses in clothes that are clearly
hers and breaks as many mirrors and ceramics as she can when she leaves. Then she relocks the
door.
Act III
41, 41a, 41aa, 41aaa INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY, INT. CITY HALL
TOWER
Roy discovers Kim shoplifting. They shoplift sandwiches; wine. Then they go to the top of city
hall tower for a picnic. Roy tells her about his pet-sit and she confides that she was asked, too.
They bond. They disclose secrets. This is big for both of them. They sleep in the tower, and
when Roy wakes, Kim is gone.
41b, 41c EXT. STREETS
Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. He breaks down. Follow up scene TBD.
The break down is a huge step toward Roy’s transformation.
42, 43, 43a, 44. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & MARILYN’S HOUSE
Roy re-enlists in pet sitting. (Reenlisting is a step toward Roy’s transformation.) Suzy knows
how he is, but she takes him to Marilyn. Marilyn talks to him about pairing with Kim to cover
the house and pets. “It’s not for long. They two of you can alternate if you need.” Roy walks the
dogs to the hospital and sneaks them in to see Marilyn. She’s thrilled. While there, Kim, having
thought about the pet sitting idea, goes to the hospital and finds them there. Roy and Kim quickly
reattach.
The tour sequence
45,46,47,48,49,50,51 VARIOUS
Roy and Kim share their favorite crash pads, and spend time at each, daily returning to take care
of the dogs and to sneak them to see Marilyn.
52. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
They visit the cabin/cliff and Kim discloses her plan to burn the place down and then commit
suicide there- which she’ll do in front of her brother.
53,54, 55, 56, 57 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT, EXT. STREETS,
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, INT. MOVIE THEATRE
More touring to show each other the favorite places- and Kim also takes care of Marilyn’s
hair/nails. At one point, Kim feels so guilty that she admits to Marilyn that her condition is all
her fault. Instead of outrage, Marilyn forgives Kim. Kim’s never had that reaction or felt that
forgiveness before. Through this sequence, Kim often also disappears but ultimately visits
Marilyn and finds Roy again. Marilyn proposes that if Roy and Kim stay together, she might
6
redraft her will to leave her pets and house to them. The deal would be legal and certainly she
doesn’t plan to kick the bucket anytime soon, but in actuality, she’s sinking fast.
60, 61 INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Marilyn is moved to a Hospice. A minister visits daily, and she talks to him about marrying Roy
and Kim.
62, 63, 64 INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT & INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Roy and Kim crash the Bellevue and get caught/chased. This time, however, they have
someplace to go. At Marilyn’s house, they hide in a makeshift location because a whole house is
still too normal for them. When Roy scouts for food, Kim finds his medal of honor. She asks
about it, and he gives up his past. Kim slips away once again. The next morning, the neighbor
barges in with police to kick him out. The police drag him to the same holding cell where he got
pummeled. He calls Marilyn/Suzy.
HOSPICE
Marilyn straightens it out and demands the return of her house key from her neighbor.
69. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
Roy is released from jail and goes to find Kim. Unseen, he witnesses the following scene:
69a. Kim’s brother, Brian and his wife, Ingrid corner Kim. They have a huge argument, a
blowout, threaten Kim with a psyche ward- and Kim finally speaks her mind. Roy witnesses it.
Now he understands how her home was taken from her, what kind of evil Brian and Ingrid
are- and finally, it crushes his heart. He rescues her. Brian is surprised that anyone cares at
all about Kim or is in her life. This moment transforms all of the characters- Kim, Roy, Brian,
even Ingrid. Brian and Ingrid get into a car and run.
CLIMAX
70. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
Roy begs Kim to stay with him and promises to keep her life exciting. Fiercely empathetic, Both
Kim and Roy blow up the cliffside cabin. They both laugh and weep cathartically.
RESOLUTION
74, 75, 76, 77 INT. COURTROOM- DAY & INT. HOSPICE- DAY
Roy and Kim get the legal deed to Marilyn’s house. They visit Marilyn often, and also sneak
Marilyn out for romps and visits to her home- and they always take care of the dogs.
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June Fortunato’s Characters Live! for Retirement Day 4 Characterization These scenes follow the opening scenes I posted for yesterday’s assignment which was Dueling Agendas. What I learned: The descriptions you provided were interesting thanks for pointing them out.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, sweating, his long hair falling in his face, ROY leans on the filthy steering wheel, and forces the accelerator to the floor – freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, and has to swerve and pull over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY
That’s it, that’s awright. Free room and board, Roy. It’s all good. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blowed up the ammo tent. Fuckers exploded for hours!
The OWNER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms- PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY
Officer, Officers, a man needs his coffee. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Hell, you were just a zit on your mama’s face then weren’t you? Better not to know, son. So where do I get my java?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, BIG RED, SKANK, and DOGBONE (Roy’s names for them) high as buzzards, and a terrified TEEN share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth- eyes dart, scared and shaky. BIG RED barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks him out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY
You gotta learn to dodge quick.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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June Fortunato’s Dueling Agendas for Retirement. Day 3
This is the opening sequence for my script. What I learned: Doing the high speed draft first is fun and helpful. Please note that I selected an odd scene- because Roy thinks that Suzy is there and smoking him out.
Part two, the landlord scene that follows uses competing agendas, as assigned.
Assignment: Go into your outline and select a scene where two characters have competing agendas. Be sure to highlight the character’s agendas through their actions and dialogue. Suggested steps:
1. Select two characters with competing agendas in a scene. List their names along with each character’s traits and their subtext above the scene.
Roy: Traits: Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of
authority. Subtext: Somewhat desperate. To charm her and get into the house.
Suzy: Traits: Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker for all kinds of things. Subtext: Escape her guilt. In this scene- frankly, to escape.
2. Create a situation where those agendas would naturally oppose each other.
This is the opening scene sequence. He wants in. She wants him out. Part two landlord He wants to escape and get the last laugh. He will not cower or play by the rules.
3. Write a high-speed outline of how the agendas can play out.
Roy doesn’t know that Suzy has split. His job is to charm her and she seems to be smoking him out. So he has to convince her- while she remains silent. He has to woo her, to make her laugh and then, he has to wait until she calms down and forgives him. He knocks. No answer. He sings to her. Nope. He finds flowers (weeds) holds them high at the window of the door. Nah. he waits. He builds a fire to keep warm. He sings Beatles tunes using her name and mashing up the lyrics. Finally, He steps onto something and makes faces into the window and discovers that the place is abandoned.
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4. Write the scene in a free-flow, allowing the characters to express their agendas fully.
5. Go back through and enhance each character’s agenda.
Retirement, opening scene and two following/sequence.
Fade In
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY (sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
ROY (sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in? Silence.
ROY (spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno. Pause. Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Private Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? I know. So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
Landlord: Traits: tired of bullshit, expects the worst. Impatient. Threatening. Roy in this part two: with the landlord: to escape and get the last laugh.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, his clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters pointing a gun at Roy. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD
I’m not as nice as Suzy. Not so patient, either. You got one minute and I shoot the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy slips through the window, and runs to the cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN -CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition. He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door and finds the window open and a pile of shit on the floor.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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Retirement. June Fortunato’s Subtext and Loglines for all of her characters.
“What I learned OK, it’s a generalized subtext exercise, but I would’ve called it “character essence” In fact, subtext changes for each scene/encounter. But it was a useful exercise to boil yesterday’s assignment down to a few words.
Name: Roy
Traits: Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of authority.
Subtext: Horrified
Character Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes
when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could
be.
Possible areas of subtext: Persuasive, desperation, resentment, terror, charmer.
———————————
Name: Kim
Traits: Wounded, angry, betrayed, acts fearlessly, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting,
deep empathy.
Subtext: Veneer of normal and anything but. Sneaky vandalism. Deeply fearful.
Character Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes
his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Possible areas of subtext: Fear. Sneaky.
———————————
Name: Suzy the nurse
Traits: Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker
for all kinds of things.
Subtext: Escape her guilt.
Character Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She
tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place
to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Possible areas of subtext: Longs for relief. Many ways to convince others to take her hook ups.
Insistent.
———————————
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Name: Marilyn
Traits: Self effacing and insecure. Admires others. Goes back on decisions- Super worrier.
Charming/polite, Tender hearted. Veneer of self-assuredness.
Subtext: Insistent and painstaking- A betty white way of manipulating getting her way.
Character Logline: When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs
someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to
grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Possible areas of subtext: Charming manipulation.
———————————
Name: Brian, Kim’s brother
Traits: Weasel, spineless. Self-serving, subservient to wife, zero empathy, will burn anyone to
keep himself afloat.
Subtext: Ruthless
Character Logline: When Brian’s new wife, Ingrid, wants Kim disinherited, Brian does her
bidding. He’s got a big secret so he needs to squash his sister, Kim and make sure she never tells.
Possible areas of subtext: Luring, sabotaging, pretending, lying, baiting, entrapping.
———————————
Name: Ingrid, Brian’s wife/Kim’s sister in law
Traits: Self serving, greedy, abusive, ruthless veneer of society politeness. Overbearing.
Subtext: Revenge.
Character Logline: When Ingrid finally gets Brian to marry her, she declares all out war on his
sister, Kim, to disinherit her and take everything. Her plan is to get it all, and then divorce Brian.
Possible areas of subtext: Slimy manipulation.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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June Fortunato’s characters for Retirement Day 1 seducing Actors
What I learned: I took my time with this and wanted to make sure everything is as accurate and
true as possible. It was a great exercise and worksheet. Thanks.
Roy- lead
Kim- secondary lead
Suzy- the nurse and Roy’s ex
Marilyn- the lady with the house
Brian- Kim’s brother
Ingrid- Brian’s wife/Kim’s sister in law
Roy
1. Basic character traits summary: Roy: explosive side, charming & seductive, humungous
guilt/triggers his PTSD, tender with strays and has a rescuer impulse, quick wit, self-inflicts pain,
fierce rejection of authority of any kind.
2. Want/Need summary: Roy: wants to keep punishing himself, needs to come to terms and let
himself live & love.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) summary Roy: Deeply afraid of who he will hurt so he acts
fearless. Eschews love while simultaneously wants & needs it – and yet gives love in spades.
4. Secret Summary Roy: For his outrageous acts as a pyrotech in Viet Nam, Roy was lauded as a
hero and saved his fellow soldiers many times over- until he followed a questionable order to
blew up a suspected Kong village- which turned out to be children, women, farmers, animals.
This blew his soul and he vowed to forever hurt himself and to never live comfortably. He
expects and almost wants to be shunned because he cannot accept himself.
5. Flaw Roy:
Immediate rejection of any suggestion to make his life easier: it’s a snap reflex. Deeply wounded
so he acts careless and thick skinned. When he confronts, it’s hit and run. A superior moocher
for survival’s sake he feels that he’ll fail disastrously if he really tries. He cannot accept himself
and doesn’t expect much for long.
6. Special Roy:
Despite the wild and reckless exterior, Roy can be thoughtful, tender and can be incredibly
gentle. He’s endearing. He’s generous. He’s funny and crazy/cannot be pinned down. Expert
pyrotech.
———————–
Kim
1. Basic character traits summary: Kim: Loudly self-converses to protect herself, on the edge of a
meltdown, fiercely angry, deeply wounded/betrayed. Fearless behavior despite grave fears,
clever, loves to act and imitate people. Musical. Feels desperately alone. Deep empathy. Wants
to be a good person.
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2. Want/Need Summary Kim: She wants & needs for things to be in balance. This is the opposite
of Roy. She wants her relationship with her brother, Brian, to be happy again- She needs to stand
her ground- to deny his power over her – and to never deal with him thereafter. Very alone, she
needs a solid trustworthy ally.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) Kim: wants to believe/can never believe again. She wants to be
settled but can’t sit still. She wants to confront and finish the argument but can’t face her brother.
She wants to be wild but always makes amends what she took. She wants to love deeply but
locks down her heart.
4. Secret summary: Kim
When their parents died, her brother took control of the house including power of attorney. He
remarried to a materialistic, narcissistic bitch, who is determined to take it all and get rid of Kim.
She convinced Kim’s brother to have Kim committed to a psyche ward, pushed Kim down a
flight of stairs, and trashed Kim’s reputation.
5. Flaw summary Kim: her loud self-talk outs herself- but she needs it to think straight. She can’t
find balance. She can’t be the ‘girlie’ that her brother and parents forced on her. She can’t
confront. She can’t trust.
6. Special Kim: she has a ream of artistic talents. She comes from a well off family, and she can
sing and act. She’s handy with tools and can pick a lock in under 30 seconds. She’s a minor thief
but it’s to self prove she can be bold. Like Roy, she also “steps in it “on purpose. She has some
skills with urban medicine/local plants.
She taunts fate by stealing things just to get away with it.
———————–
Suzy the nurse
1. Basic character traits summary: Suzy
Overachiever, devoted to others but ignores herself. Deep empathy and tries to correct every
problem. Quick to laugh. Wants to believe in the goodness of everyone and this makes her
vulnerable to pranks, to scammers, to users. Sturdy, steady and boring.
2. Want/Need summary: Suzy
She wants to fill a hole inside- She needs self-care- to take time for herself in order to find
balance. She wants to do everything for everyone and needs to learn how to say, “No.”
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) Suzy: She jumps through hoops for others but abuses herself by
ignoring her own needs. She gives life to everyone around her but denies her own.
4. Secret Suzy: She wasn’t there for her mother- a woman who looked and acted a lot like
Marilyn (and every other older lady she nurses.) Suzy was different then: She was off with her
friends- completely self indulgent- parties- gone for days- and didn’t realize that her mother had a
brain tumor and needed her. Her mother fell off of a balcony Suzy came home in the middle of
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the night- high as a kite and found her who’d lain there for hours. She couldn’t save her mother.
That’s when she changed her life.
5. Flaw Suzy: Doesn’t want to hear criticism or advice and can be very snappy and rude when
others try to help her.
6. Special Suzy: Big teeth, big hands, big feet and lots of locomotion. Non-stop energy. Tries to
make people laugh. Overachiever. Dazzling nursing skills such as she can change a bedsheet
under a patient in a blink. A connector of people.
———————–
Marilyn
1. Basic character traits: Feels fragile to herself and becoming insecure about her abilities.
Admiring and encouraging but doubtful others will come through. Has enough money. Super
worrier. Excellent mahjong and card player. Taught music to little kids. Tender hearted with the
less fortunate. She is facing the end and feels it.
2. Want/Need Marilyn: Wants to portray herself as all together and on top of things. Needs to
actually believe that she is.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) Marilyn: She’s too quick to give in to a solution/decision and
then wants to take it back. She doubts and worries. She’s civil but sometimes says inappropriate
things. She means well but crosses the line into busybody.
4. Secret Marilyn: She was destitute for quite a while. She starved as a child. She lived on the
streets for a short time.
5. Flaw:Marilyn: She has a buying problem- her closets are filled with triplicates of clothing in 3
sizes- – tags still on. Her house is bursting at the seams with food and looks like a grocery store.
6. Special Marilyn: Incredibly forgiving and generous. Civilized and meticulous. No family.
Deep insights/wise.
———————–
Brian-Kim’s Brother
1. Basic character traits Brian:- a turd. A wimp. Self-serving- not loyal to anyone from his past.
No empathy. Seemingly no memory or warmth for what Kim and he shared in the past. Goes
along with his new wife’s every demand. Easily bullied by her and therefore harsh to Kim.
Threatening. Thinks he’s OK.
2. Want/Need Brian:
Wants whatever his wife tells him he wants.- mostly- happy wife= happy life. Needs to have
some empathy and to think for himself because he’s losing everything that really matters. Has to
come to terms with the damage he’s doing to Kim and ultimately, to himself. He could be next.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements) Brian:
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Makes promises which can be easily changed by his wife. Used to leave clothes/food outside for
Kim but his wife trashed them and convinced him to show no mercy. Knows Kim goes to ‘his’
house and pretends he doesn’t know. Acts with forcefulness while he is a scurrilous dirtbag
wimp.
4. Secret Brian: He is secretly a crossdresser and Kim knows it. So does his wife. In his position
as a corporate CPA he could be ruined. This is how the wife gets him to bend to his every whim,
and why Kim is such a threat.
5. Flaw Brian: Self serving without empathy for others he hurts. Will not confront.
6. Special Brian: He’s got all of the money. He’s boring as hell and physically spastic. He says
the wrong things so often he’s just silent or says what his wife tells him to say. He refuses to
remember the past.
———————–
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June Fortunato’s Request for Exchange- Outline for “Retirement”
A. Logline. Crazyass super mooch Roy can get his SSI and vet’s benefits, but only if he stops running and gets a permanent place to live. Just when he almost convinces himself to do that, he’s smitten with Kim- a smart and sassy also moocher who loves him, too, but can’t stop to face her own dark past. Together they figure it out.
B. Dramatic Question. Will Roy find a permanent place and will it be with Kim?
C. Main Conflict. Roy needs to stop running but doesn’t want to do it without Kim & Kim can’t stop running or her dark past will catch up with her.
D. Dilemma. Roy is torn between running with Kim who makes him feel alive and surviving by staying in one place.
E. Theme. Forgiveness, denial, trust, dissolution vs living
Plot choice: Love
Character structure: Buddy
Lead characters: Roy, and secondary lead, Kim
Roy is a clever, wild, fun guy, 60s: a charming mooch who’ll do just about anything but also has a deceptive sense of morality. Inside, he harbors a deep spirit wound that prevents him from fully embracing others.
Kim, 50s, also harbors deep wounds, and she’s incredibly lonely but unwilling to bond with anyone, ever again. Smart and resourceful, she pushes the stream of negative thoughts out of her head with extremely loud conversations with herself. She is afraid to face herself- and doesn’t want to know what he sees. And he sees her.
4. Protagonist Character Arc: Roy- can’t get over what he did in the war, and vowed to atone for it by never having a comfortable life. He believes himself to be worthless, and that whatever he does will end in hurting someone. He learns to forgive himself and believe that he can have love and be loved. Kim’s love has helped him to feel worthy of living an easier life.
A) Part to be changed: After a shit childhood, and retaliating by killing the enemy in a war, Roy feels he can never deserve a comfortable life- that he was always worthless, and can’t accept what he did, despite the fact that he got a medal of honor for saving his comrades.
B) Biggest Fear: If he stops running, he’ll be caught up by his demons and haunted by the souls of those he snuffed out.
4a, Protagonist Character Arc: Kim: can’t forgive what people have done to her and can’t come to terms. She’s terrified that if she stops running her past will confront her and she’ll lose her soul. After helping Roy, and seeing his abject remorse, she learns to stop hurting herself. She feels secure and solid for the first time.
Inciting incident: Roy declared himself dead long ago and now, almost actually dies from his reckless behavior. A lawyer reestablishes the fact that he’s alive to pay his bills, but he can’t live rough anymore. He must get a bank account/and a permanent address, to collect SSI and vet benefits in 6 weeks time or lose it all.
Page 10 He has met Kim and is smitten. His attempts at getting a bank account and apartment are failing, and he’s losing his will to play that game.
End of Act I- Beginning of Act II Roy and Kim get together
Mid-point Act II- Roy is pet sitting and has a tentative possibility for an address but he had a
melt down so Kim disappeared. Now he feels lost and joyless. He goes back to his old life for a while, more reckless than ever- and that includes pyro.
Second turn- End of Act II
Roy longs for Kim. Kim re-acquaints herself with a woman she ripped off- and the woman forgives her. This is a step toward Kim learning how to forgive others. Roy has a physical breakdown on the street and cries for the first time since he was a child. Roy and Kim get back together but Kim disappears again.
Crisis
The clock has just about run out for Roy- and he has nothing- no place to live/collect his benefits, no Kim- and no ability to survive. He searches for Kim. He finds her in the same emotional state.
Climax
Kim finally tells him about her past. He saves her from suicide and instead, they blow up her brother’s cliffside cabin- the site of her past misery. The two vow to try together.
Resolution
They find ways to keep life exciting but not so rough. Roy has learned to forgive himself and Kim has learned to forgive others.
F. The entire outline showing ALL of your scenes in the movie. Dear fellow writers, please note: I’ve grouped my sequences and some scenes together. The numbers before the slug lines indicate actual scene numbers.
Opening
1,2,3. EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON Roy waits outside until he realizes that his girl, Suzy, moved out. He crashes there but the landlord shows up so he steals the cleaning crew’s van and, wanting a place to sleep, he decides on “jail” and deliberately smashes the van into a Wawa.
4,5. INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON The food sucks so he decides that jail is not a good retirement plan. He baits his cellmates and gets pummeled so that he can go to option 2: the hospital – where coincidently his (ex) girl works.
6, 6a, 6b. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING Roy is in traction. Doctors inform him that he can’t live “rough” anymore- his body is ruined. His ex, Suzy, hooks him up with a lawyer to represent him because he faces criminal charges, hospital debts and he owes her money, too.
6c,7, 7a,8,9.INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE AFTERNOON Roy meets another patient, Kim, who’s healing after a horrific ‘accident’ Kismet. Later, Roy rescues her from her oppressive (visiting) brother. Kim steals keys from the nurses’ station and bolts. They are Suzy’s keys. Suzy accuses Roy of taking them but he’s innocent.
10. INT. COURTROOM – MORNING After the war, Roy had himself declared dead and his lawyer figures out how to change that status so that he can collect his SSI and Veterans’ pay boost. His backpay covers all of his recent debts but he must get a bank account to collect further payments. This is a dramatic change of identity, and a catch 22- without an address- no bank account- no bank account = no address. Meanwhile, Kim has Suzy’s car and she doesn’t want to be found.
End of first 10 pages
11. INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim parks Suzy’s stolen car in a parking garage where they park the car for you and give you a claim ticket.
INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS Kim chats with another shopper, a kind woman, Marilyn, and swaps her parking claim ticket for hers.
12, 14. INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS Kim gets Marilyn’s car. Among the goodies in the car, she finds a gym membership. She drives Marilyn’s car to a cabin near a cliff and stares at it. She sees her brother through the window and drives away. She heads to Marilyn’s gym while
13. INT. PARKING GARAGE Marilyn learns that her car is missing, she’s greatly delayed and worries about her pets at home.
15. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING Suzy’s car was found in the parking garage. Roy is still in the hospital under her watch.
16. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING Marilyn gets home late, her pets are frantic, and one trips her and causes her to break a hip. She calls a neighbor to pet-sit. The neighbor allows her kid to do it but he’s resentful.
17, 17a. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING Intro to Bellevue Hotel- Kim talks loudly to herself at the adjoining club swimming pool to express trauma from going to the cliff/cabin. She decides not to be like her brother, and to return Marilyn’s car to the parking garage.
17b. INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING Kim parks Marilyn’s car but keeps the gym pass. She walks to a nearby legit theatre.
17c. EXT./INT. THEATRE – NIGHT Kim sneaks in as the house crew is locking up. Kim longs to be an actor and has a blast performing on the empty stage and dressing in costumes in the dark theatre. (dark, as in “no performances”)
18. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING Roy is released from the hospital. He’s reminded that he has 6 weeks to get his act together or lose it all.
18a, 18b EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS Roy discovers a box of fresh baguettes as they’re delivered outside of the Bellevue. He grabs one, and, dressed in his ‘court suit’ decides to explore inside. He finds a balcony above one of the meeting rooms that’s used to run pipes. It’s a perfect place: food, restrooms, shelter- to camp out and no one will find him.
19. INT. THEATRE – MORNING Clips of Kim, exploring and enjoying the theatre and theatre bar. The place feels like home until crew enter to set up and she sneaks out.
19a, 19b, 19c EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim passes the parking garage where she stole and then returned the car and overhears the parking attendant apologizing because he couldn’t find Marilyn’s car and now has found it- he gets fired. Kim feels incredibly guilty and vows to find a way to compensate him.
20. BANK Roy is rejected for an account.
21. INT. BUS – AFTERNOON Kim returns to the cliffside cabin. She yanks out all of the flowers, smashes a window and returns to center city.
22, 22a. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON Roy’s attempt at renting and apartment is rejected, so he sneaks back in, grabs the fire hose, makes it into a noose and hangs it over the front door.
End of Act I
Act II Roy and Kim together
23. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY Roy returns to live on the Bellevue balcony.
24. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Now Marilyn is in the osteo unit. She’s frantic about her pets. Suzy tries to contact the kid/petsitter, can’t and promises to check in on the pets. She also recommends Roy as a bit weird but a serious animal lover and trustworthy.
25, 26, 26a, 26b,27 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE Kim enters the Bellevue and goes to the gym. Later, she wanders the hotel and slips into an empty suite to crash in. Roy, also at the Bellevue, with a big plate of brunch food, finds Kim in a stairwell, also indulging. Kim invites Roy to her suite, they share stories and bond. Later, they steal another meal, this time by ordering room service to another room & grabbing it- and share the lux suite platonically.
27a, 27b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy finds Marilyn’s house wrecked from a party. When the kid stops by with his friends to have another party, she makes him clean his mess and then boots him out.
27c. LOCATION TBD Due to his smashed window and trashed flower beds, Kim’s brother reports her to be found and sent to a psyche ward.
28. INT. BUS – PARKSIDE Kim takes Roy to show him the cliff/cabin. They stay out of sight. He doesn’t know why they’re there. Kim turns from sunny to strung out. He suggests going to a festival in Atlantic City. While they’re there a baby squirrel runs to him for protection. He replaces the fallen squirrel in its nest, and she’s impressed with his gentleness and animal whisperer magic.
28a INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy still can’t get ahold of Roy. She lets Marilyn know that she’ll stay for the night to take care of the pets but she’s determined to find an alternative to this arrangement.
29, 30a, 31 EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL Roy and Kim have a great time at the festival/carnival until something triggers his PTSD, he melts down, acts crazy and people haul him into a small room. Kim stays with him, sings to him, calms him. It helps both of them. It’s emotionally revelatory. Roy asks her to be with him and she flatly refuses. She speaks with police and then disappears. In the morning, Roy searches for Kim on the beach without luck and he returns to Philly.
31a EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET On the way back to his Bellevue balcony, he runs into Suzy who convinces him to meet Marilyn about pet sitting/and having an address for a while.
32. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Roy and Marilyn hit it off. She decides to give him a try. Roy resigns himself to it, as well.
32a 32b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy takes her lunch to introduce Roy to the pets/house. They take to him immediately and vice/versa.
33, 33a INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET, BUS, BELLEVUE, UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY Kim wakes in a closet in Atlantic City, looks for Roy on the beach, and takes a bus back to Philly. She looks for him on his Bellevue balcony, but he’s gone. Her suite is occupied. She ends up the underground car park- in a heating/cooling room/cubby or in an unlocked van.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy slowly comes to terms with his past.
34. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy sits alone with the dogs- not so comfortable with this new life.
35. INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT Kim searches for Roy/asks Suzy about his whereabouts. On the way out, Marilyn sees her and calls her into her room. Marilyn asks Kim if she’d be interested in pet sitting. Kim feels guilty as hell for causing Marilyn’s grief.
36, 37. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS & REVOLVING RESTAURANT & HOSPITAL Roy is anxious. He cares for the dogs and goes walking. He eventually sleeps on the floor of a tower / revolving restaurant and in the morning sees a film crew setting up below. He returns to take care of the dogs, then drops the keys off at the hospital. Now Marilyn and Suzy are stuck again.
38, 38a, 39. EXT. FILM SET Roy helps himself to the free food and weasels his way onto a Pyro crew- his wartime specialty. They love him and he’s good at what he does. His new friends let him stay with them, or he sleeps in the honeywagon or a truck if he has to. On pay day, the boss learns he wasn’t actually hired, doesn’t pay him and kicks him out. The friends give him some cash, and when he leaves, he blows up the union boss’ trailer. The crew who are left behind, get blamed for the “accident.”
40. EXT. STREETS Roy wanders looking for Kim.
40a. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN Kim, at the cliff/cabin again, unlocks the door takes a shower, dresses in clothes that are clearly
hers and breaks as many mirrors and ceramics as she can when she leaves. Then she relocks the door.
Act III
41, 41a, 41aa, 41aaa INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY, INT. CITY HALL TOWER Roy discovers Kim shoplifting. They shoplift sandwiches; wine. Then they go to the top of city hall tower for a picnic. Roy tells her about his pet-sit and she confides that she was asked, too. They bond. They disclose secrets. They sleep in the tower, and when Roy wakes, Kim is gone.
41b, 41c EXT. STREETS Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. He breaks down. Follow up scene TBD.
42, 43, 43a, 44. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy re-enlists in pet sitting. Suzy knows how he is, but she takes him to Marilyn. Marilyn talks to him about pairing with Kim to cover the house and pets. “It’s not for long. They two of you can alternate if you need.” Roy walks the dogs to the hospital and sneaks them in to see Marilyn. She’s thrilled. While there, Kim, having thought about the pet sitting idea, goes to the hospital and finds them there. Roy and Kim quickly reattach.
The tour sequence
45,46,47,48,49,50,51 VARIOUS Roy and Kim share their favorite crash pads, and spend time at each, daily returning to take care of the dogs and to sneak them to see Marilyn.
52. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN They visit the cabin/cliff and Kim discloses her plan to burn the place down and then commit suicide there- in front of her brother.
53,54, 55, 56, 57 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT, EXT. STREETS, INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, INT. MOVIE THEATRE More touring to show each other the favorite places- and Kim also takes care of Marilyn’s hair/nails. At one point, Kim feels so guilty that she admits to Marilyn that her condition is all her fault. Instead of outrage, Marilyn forgives Kim. Kim’s never had that reaction or felt that forgiveness before. Through this sequence, Kim often also disappears but ultimately visits Marilyn and finds Roy again. Marilyn proposes that if Roy and Kim stay together, she might redraft her will to leave her pets and house to them. The deal would be legal and certainly she doesn’t plan to kick the bucket anytime soon, but in actuality, she’s sinking fast.
60, 61 INT. HOSPITAL – DAY Marilyn is moved to a Hospice. A minister visits daily, and she talks to him about marrying Roy and Kim.
62, 63, 64 INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT & INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy and Kim crash the Bellevue and get caught/chased. This time, however, they have someplace to go. At Marilyn’s house, they hide in a makeshift location because a whole house is still too normal for them. When Roy scouts for food, Kim finds his medal of honor. She asks about it, and he gives up his past. Kim slips away once again. The next morning, the neighbor barges in with police to kick him out. The police drag him to the same holding cell where he got pummeled. He calls Marilyn/Suzy.
HOSPICE Marilyn straightens it out and demands the return of her house key from her neighbor.
69. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy is released from jail and goes to find Kim.
CLIMAX
70. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy begs Kim to stay with him and promises to keep her life exciting. She discloses what happened in her life. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin. They both laugh and weep cathartically as the brother shows up and they run.
71. Note: Must resolve the brother’s attempt at committing Kim to a psyche ward.
RESOLUTION
74, 75, 76, 77 INT. COURTROOM- DAY & INT. HOSPICE- DAY Roy and Kim get the legal deed to Marilyn’s house. They visit Marilyn often, and also sneak Marilyn out for romps and visits to her home- and they always take care of the dogs.
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June Fortunato’s Pass 10: Essence Only- for Retirement
LESSON 46 OF 146 Day 16: Write Your “essence Only” Outline Pass 10
“What I learned was- I always find ways to improve my storyline. It’s helpful to boil it down to
the basic story.”
1. Make your outline readable:
A. Sluglines tell us the location.
B. Place a one or two sentence description of what happens in each scene that delivers the essence of that scene.
2. Post your outline to the group. Include each of these:
A. Your logline. Crazyass super mooch Roy can get his SSI and vet’s benefits, but only if he stops running and gets a permanent place to live. Just when he almost convinces himself to do that, he’s smitten with Kim- a smart and sassy also moocher who loves him, too, but can’t stop to face her own dark past. Together they figure it out.
B. Dramatic Question. Will Roy find a permanent place and will it be with Kim?
C. Main Conflict. Roy needs to stop running but doesn’t want to do it without Kim & Kim can’t stop running or her dark past will catch up with her.
D. Dilemma. Roy is torn between running with Kim who makes him feel alive and surviving by staying in one place.
E. Theme. Forgiveness, denial, trust
Plot choice: Love
Character structure: Buddy
Lead characters: Roy, and secondary lead, Kim
Roy is a clever, wild, fun guy, 60s: a charming mooch who’ll do just about anything but also has a deceptive sense of morality. Inside, he harbors a deep spirit wound that prevents him from fully embracing others.
Kim, 50s, also harbors deep wounds, and she’s incredibly lonely but unwilling to bond with anyone, ever again. Smart and resourceful, she pushes the stream of negative thoughts out of her head with extremely loud conversations with herself. She is afraid to face herself- and doesn’t want to know what he sees. And he sees her.
4. Protagonist Character Arc: Roy- can’t get over what he did in the war, and vowed to atone for it by never having a comfortable life. He believes himself to be worthless, and that whatever he does will end in hurting someone. He learns to forgive himself and believe that he can have love and be loved. Kim’s love has helped him to feel worthy of living an easier life.
A) Part to be changed: After a shit childhood, and retaliating by killing the enemy in a war, Roy feels he can never deserve a comfortable life- that he was always worthless, and can’t accept what he did, despite the fact that he got a medal of honor for saving his comrades.
B) Biggest Fear: If he stops running, he’ll be caught up by his demons and haunted by the souls of those he snuffed out.
4a, Protagonist Character Arc: Kim: can’t forgive what people have done to her and can’t come to terms. She’s terrified that if she stops running her past will confront her and she’ll lose her soul. After helping Roy, and seeing his abject remorse, she learns to stop hurting herself. She feels secure and solid for the first time.
Inciting incident: Roy declared himself dead long ago and now, almost actually dies from his reckless behavior. A lawyer reestablishes the fact that he’s alive to pay his bills, but he can’t live rough anymore. He must get a bank account/and a permanent address, to collect SSI and vet benefits in 6 weeks time or lose it all.
Page 10 He has met Kim and is smitten. His attempts at getting a bank account and apartment are failing, and he’s losing his will to play that game.
End of Act I- Beginning of Act II Roy and Kim get together
Mid-point Act II- Roy is pet sitting and has a tentative possibility for an address but he had a
melt down so Kim disappeared. Now he feels lost and joyless. He goes back to his old life for a while, more reckless than ever- and that includes pyro.
Second turn- End of Act II
Roy longs for Kim. Kim re-acquaints herself with a woman she ripped off- and the woman forgives her. This is a step toward Kim learning how to forgive others. Roy has a physical breakdown on the street and cries for the first time since he was a child. Roy and Kim get back together but Kim disappears again.
Crisis
The clock has just about run out for Roy- and he has nothing- no place to live/collect his benefits, no Kim- and no ability to survive. He searches for Kim. He finds her in the same emotional state.
Climax
Kim finally tells him about her past. He saves her from suicide and instead, they blow up her brother’s cliffside cabin- the site of her past misery. The two vow to try together.
Resolution
They find ways to keep life exciting but not so rough. Roy has learned to forgive himself and Kim has learned to forgive others.
F. The entire outline showing ALL of your scenes in the movie. Dear fellow writers, please note: I’ve grouped my sequences and some scenes together. The numbers before the slug lines indicate actual scene numbers.
Opening
1,2,3. EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON Roy waits outside until he realizes that his girl, Suzy, moved out. He crashes there but the landlord shows up so he steals the cleaning crew’s van and, wanting a place to sleep, he decides on “jail” and deliberately smashes the van into a Wawa.
4,5. INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON The food sucks so he decides that jail is not a good retirement plan. He baits his cellmates and gets pummeled so that he can go to option 2: the hospital – where coincidently his (ex) girl works.
6, 6a, 6b. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING Roy is in traction. Doctors inform him that he can’t live “rough” anymore- his body is ruined. His ex, Suzy, hooks him up with a lawyer to represent him because he faces criminal charges, hospital debts and he owes her money, too.
6c,7, 7a,8,9.INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE AFTERNOON Roy meets another patient, Kim, who’s healing after a horrific ‘accident’ Kismet. Later, Roy rescues her from her oppressive (visiting) brother. Kim steals keys from the nurses’ station and bolts. They are Suzy’s keys. Suzy accuses Roy of taking them but he’s innocent.
10. INT. COURTROOM – MORNING After the war, Roy had himself declared dead and his lawyer figures out how to change that status so that he can collect his SSI and Veterans’ pay boost. His backpay covers all of his recent debts but he must get a bank account to collect further payments. This is a dramatic change of identity, and a catch 22- without an address- no bank account- no bank account = no address. Meanwhile, Kim has Suzy’s car and she doesn’t want to be found.
End of first 10 pages
11. INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim parks Suzy’s stolen car in a parking garage where they park the car for you and give you a claim ticket.
INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS Kim chats with another shopper, a kind woman, Marilyn, and swaps her parking claim ticket for hers.
12, 14. INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS Kim gets Marilyn’s car. Among the goodies in the car, she finds a gym membership. She drives Marilyn’s car to a cabin near a cliff and stares at it. She sees her brother through the window and drives away. She heads to Marilyn’s gym while
13. INT. PARKING GARAGE Marilyn learns that her car is missing, she’s greatly delayed and worries about her pets at home.
15. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING Suzy’s car was found in the parking garage. Roy is still in the hospital under her watch.
16. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING Marilyn gets home late, her pets are frantic, and one trips her and causes her to break a hip. She calls a neighbor to pet-sit. The neighbor allows her kid to do it but he’s resentful.
17, 17a. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING Intro to Bellevue Hotel- Kim talks loudly to herself at the adjoining club swimming pool to express trauma from going to the cliff/cabin. She decides not to be like her brother, and to return Marilyn’s car to the parking garage.
17b. INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING Kim parks Marilyn’s car but keeps the gym pass. She walks to a nearby legit theatre.
17c. EXT./INT. THEATRE – NIGHT Kim sneaks in as the house crew is locking up. Kim longs to be an actor and has a blast performing on the empty stage and dressing in costumes in the dark theatre. (dark, as in “no performances”)
18. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING Roy is released from the hospital. He’s reminded that he has 6 weeks to get his act together or lose it all.
18a, 18b EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS Roy discovers a box of fresh baguettes as they’re delivered outside of the Bellevue. He grabs one, and, dressed in his ‘court suit’ decides to explore inside. He finds a balcony above one of the meeting rooms that’s used to run pipes. It’s a perfect place: food, restrooms, shelter- to camp out and no one will find him.
19. INT. THEATRE – MORNING Clips of Kim, exploring and enjoying the theatre and theatre bar. The place feels like home until crew enter to set up and she sneaks out.
19a, 19b, 19c EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim passes the parking garage where she stole and then returned the car and overhears the parking attendant apologizing because he couldn’t find Marilyn’s car and now has found it- he gets fired. Kim feels incredibly guilty and vows to find a way to compensate him.
20. BANK Roy is rejected for an account.
21. INT. BUS – AFTERNOON Kim returns to the cliffside cabin. She yanks out all of the flowers, smashes a window and returns to center city.
22, 22a. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON Roy’s attempt at renting and apartment is rejected, so he sneaks back in, grabs the fire hose, makes it into a noose and hangs it over the front door.
End of Act I
Act II Roy and Kim together
23. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY Roy returns to live on the Bellevue balcony.
24. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Now Marilyn is in the osteo unit. She’s frantic about her pets. Suzy tries to contact the kid/petsitter, can’t and promises to check in on the pets. She also recommends Roy as a bit weird but a serious animal lover and trustworthy.
25, 26, 26a, 26b,27 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE Kim enters the Bellevue and goes to the gym. Later, she wanders the hotel and slips into an empty suite to crash in. Roy, also at the Bellevue, with a big plate of brunch food, finds Kim in a stairwell, also indulging. Kim invites Roy to her suite, they share stories and bond. Later, they steal another meal, this time by ordering room service to another room & grabbing it- and share the lux suite platonically.
27a, 27b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy finds Marilyn’s house wrecked from a party. When the kid stops by with his friends to have another party, she makes him clean his mess and then boots him out.
27c. LOCATION TBD Due to his smashed window and trashed flower beds, Kim’s brother reports her to be found and sent to a psyche ward.
28. INT. BUS – PARKSIDE Kim takes Roy to show him the cliff/cabin. They stay out of sight. He doesn’t know why they’re there. Kim turns from sunny to strung out. He suggests going to a festival in Atlantic City. While they’re there a baby squirrel runs to him for protection. He replaces the fallen squirrel in its nest, and she’s impressed with his gentleness and animal whisperer magic.
28a INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy still can’t get ahold of Roy. She lets Marilyn know that she’ll stay for the night to take care of the pets but she’s determined to find an alternative to this arrangement.
29, 30a, 31 EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL Roy and Kim have a great time at the festival/carnival until something triggers his PTSD, he melts down, acts crazy and people haul him into a small room. Kim stays with him, sings to him, calms him. It helps both of them. It’s emotionally revelatory. Roy asks her to be with him and she flatly refuses. She speaks with police and then disappears. In the morning, Roy searches for Kim on the beach without luck and he returns to Philly.
31a EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET On the way back to his Bellevue balcony, he runs into Suzy who convinces him to meet Marilyn about pet sitting/and having an address for a while.
32. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Roy and Marilyn hit it off. She decides to give him a try. Roy resigns himself to it, as well.
32a 32b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy takes her lunch to introduce Roy to the pets/house. They take to him immediately and vice/versa.
33, 33a INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET, BUS, BELLEVUE, UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY Kim wakes in a closet in Atlantic City, looks for Roy on the beach, and takes a bus back to Philly. She looks for him on his Bellevue balcony, but he’s gone. Her suite is occupied. She ends up the underground car park- in a heating/cooling room/cubby or in an unlocked van.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy slowly comes to terms with his past.
34. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy sits alone with the dogs- not so comfortable with this new life.
35. INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT Kim searches for Roy/asks Suzy about his whereabouts. On the way out, Marilyn sees her and calls her into her room. Marilyn asks Kim if she’d be interested in pet sitting. Kim feels guilty as hell for causing Marilyn’s grief.
36, 37. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS & REVOLVING RESTAURANT & HOSPITAL Roy is anxious. He cares for the dogs and goes walking. He eventually sleeps on the floor of a tower / revolving restaurant and in the morning sees a film crew setting up below. He returns to take care of the dogs, then drops the keys off at the hospital. Now Marilyn and Suzy are stuck again.
38, 38a, 39. EXT. FILM SET Roy helps himself to the free food and weasels his way onto a Pyro crew- his wartime specialty. They love him and he’s good at what he does. His new friends let him stay with them, or he sleeps in the honeywagon or a truck if he has to. On pay day, the boss learns he wasn’t actually hired, doesn’t pay him and kicks him out. The friends give him some cash, and when he leaves, he blows up the union boss’ trailer. The crew who are left behind, get blamed for the “accident.”
40. EXT. STREETS Roy wanders looking for Kim.
40a. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN Kim, at the cliff/cabin again, unlocks the door takes a shower, dresses in clothes that are clearly
hers and breaks as many mirrors and ceramics as she can when she leaves. Then she relocks the door.
Act III
41, 41a, 41aa, 41aaa INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY, INT. CITY HALL TOWER Roy discovers Kim shoplifting. They shoplift sandwiches; wine. Then they go to the top of city hall tower for a picnic. Roy tells her about his pet-sit and she confides that she was asked, too. They bond. They disclose secrets. They sleep in the tower, and when Roy wakes, Kim is gone.
41b, 41c EXT. STREETS Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. He breaks down. Follow up scene TBD.
42, 43, 43a, 44. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy re-enlists in pet sitting. Suzy knows how he is, but she takes him to Marilyn. Marilyn talks to him about pairing with Kim to cover the house and pets. “It’s not for long. They two of you can alternate if you need.” Roy walks the dogs to the hospital and sneaks them in to see Marilyn. She’s thrilled. While there, Kim, having thought about the pet sitting idea, goes to the hospital and finds them there. Roy and Kim quickly reattach.
The tour sequence
45,46,47,48,49,50,51 VARIOUS Roy and Kim share their favorite crash pads, and spend time at each, daily returning to take care of the dogs and to sneak them to see Marilyn.
52. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN They visit the cabin/cliff and Kim discloses her plan to burn the place down and then commit suicide there- in front of her brother.
53,54, 55, 56, 57 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT, EXT. STREETS, INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, INT. MOVIE THEATRE More touring to show each other the favorite places- and Kim also takes care of Marilyn’s hair/nails. At one point, Kim feels so guilty that she admits to Marilyn that her condition is all her fault. Instead of outrage, Marilyn forgives Kim. Kim’s never had that reaction or felt that forgiveness before. Through this sequence, Kim often also disappears but ultimately visits Marilyn and finds Roy again. Marilyn proposes that if Roy and Kim stay together, she might redraft her will to leave her pets and house to them. The deal would be legal and certainly she doesn’t plan to kick the bucket anytime soon, but in actuality, she’s sinking fast.
60, 61 INT. HOSPITAL – DAY Marilyn is moved to a Hospice. A minister visits daily, and she talks to him about marrying Roy and Kim.
62, 63, 64 INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT & INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy and Kim crash the Bellevue and get caught/chased. This time, however, they have someplace to go. At Marilyn’s house, they hide in a makeshift location because a whole house is still too normal for them. When Roy scouts for food, Kim finds his medal of honor. She asks about it, and he gives up his past. Kim slips away once again. The next morning, the neighbor barges in with police to kick him out. The police drag him to the same holding cell where he got pummeled. He calls Marilyn/Suzy.
HOSPICE Marilyn straightens it out and demands the return of her house key from her neighbor.
69. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy is released from jail and goes to find Kim.
CLIMAX
70. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy begs Kim to stay with him and promises to keep her life exciting. She discloses what happened in her life. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin. They both laugh and weep cathartically as the brother shows up and they run.
71. Note: Must resolve the brother’s attempt at committing Kim to a psyche ward.
RESOLUTION
74, 75, 76, 77 INT. COURTROOM- DAY & INT. HOSPICE- DAY Roy and Kim get the legal deed to Marilyn’s house. They visit Marilyn often, and also sneak Marilyn out for romps and visits to her home- and they always take care of the dogs.
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June Fortunato’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate for Retirement
What I learned doing this is…?” I found that I had notes from several days, and this exercise
encouraged me to compile my timeline- which is especially helpful.
These are notes for scenes reading in REVERSE ORDER
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on
those so we know what you’ve discovered.
*The marilyn relative lockout- Still needs thought. It comes out of nowhere.
*Crisis- Roy doesn’t go to commit suicide, but he is mentally lost and doesn’t know what to do.
When Kim is there, he begs her to be with him.
* Bellevue night- they crash there and bring the pets because it’s way more fun. They get caught,
but this time- they have a place to go. Then scene proceeds as planned.
* When Kim visits Marilyn and does her hair, etc, ADD SCENE /moments when Kim admits
that she’s the one who caused Marilyn’s demise. She expects to be thrown out and vilified and
starts to leave. Instead, after initial shock, Marilyn accepts Kim for who she is. The moment is
cathartic. She has never been accepted by anyone else but Roy.
* 32 Suzy takes her break and shows Roy the ropes to take care of Marilyn’s home. This one is a
serious stretch of credibility-
27) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house and it’s trashed. Find a different way to fix this.
Kim’s brother must create more of a problem- ADD SCENES.
Improve: Suzy grabs the kid by the ear and makes him clean up the mess while she watches.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a
paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
*Last scene- Roy and Kim sneak Marilyn out of hospice for a home visit with Suzy’s help.
*Last scene -Marilyn suggests that Roy and Kim should get married which freezes them in their
tracks.
*Resolution- swap order to get deed to house so that Marilyn visits home first.
* Marilyn is moved to hospice. ADD a minister visits daily and this is when she talks to him/her
about marrying Roy and Kim.
*The tour sequence: Kim does Marilyn’s hair & nails etc. ADD they take her out on wheelchair
strolls and get her into some exciting mischief.
* Film crew pyrotech- Will add scenes to demonstrate that Roy is excellent at this, and that he’s
well liked. But also, feels incredibly uncomfortable getting too close- and his fear of losing them
overwhelms him.
*41a Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. NEEDS A FOLLOW UP scene.
33) Kim takes up residence on Roy’s balcony but her loud self-talk gets her caught. She ends up
in an underground car park.
31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. He needs to encounter someone- and also do
something crazy here.
19c ADD SCENE Kim must find a way to compensate the fired parking attendant (she
inadvertently got him/her fired)
19a) Add images/clips of Kim acting in the dark theatre. We must know that this is where her
heart always was.
38 Day 15 Flag scenes to solve/elevate 2022 0303
2
6a) Suzy speaks with legal rep to help Roy- (Legal rep is attracted to Suzy)
3. Start with the easiest and improve one at a time, working your way to the more difficult areas.
4. At the conclusion of 48 hours, post your improved outline.
Improved Outline for Retirement
Opening
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Fade In
1) Roy waits for hours outdoors for his girl, Suzy, to calm
down/his girl has moved out.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL-EVENING
(Set up for Suzy and also that she knows about his medal of
honor. Set up for Kim finding it, too.)
2) Roy enters the empty house – drinks from his stashed booze
bottles, and sleeps in a hallway.
Purpose: Roy has hidden something from his ex. Selection:
Behind the refrigerator, Roy has a private stash box with a
whole chocolate cake, salty junk food, bottle of booze, small
bag of pot and something medal with a ribbon, wrapped in an
old towel.
*Solution: Roy discovers that Suzy found his stash. She has
left a note.
INT./EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – EARLY MORNING
3) Landlord & cleaning crew arrive/Roy hides in the bathroom,
gathers hidden hand tools, escapes out of the window and
jacks the cleaning crew’s van, which he deliberately smashes
into a WAWA to get a free bed (aka jail) He’s arrested.
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON
4) In jail / the holding cell/ he protects a teen from the
thugs in the cell. They find the food rancid, and together
smash it all over the floor and slide around.
5) Fearful that he’ll be forced to eat it anyway, and knowing
that the thugs who share the cell will pummel him, he stuffs
the food into the toilet and clogs it.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
6) In the hospital, in traction- his ex, Suzy, who’s a nurse
finds him.
2.
Her first line is: “There’s the guy who owes me $1500.” She
makes sure that the person who’ll bathe Roy isn’t gentle, but
on the other hand she hooks him up with a pro-bono lawyer.
6aa) Doctors speak to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing.
6b) Doctors talk to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing
and he cannot live the rough life anymore.
Purpose: his body is falling apart and he must stop living
the life of adventure. Why?
Selection: Viet Nam exposed him to fuels and his rough life
is causing Respiratory, headaches, dizziness, sleep
disorders.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – MORNING
*6a) Suzy speaks with a legal rep/lawyer.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – MORNING
She introduces her to Roy by saying, “This is the man who’s
going to save your behind.” From there, the lawyer speaks
with Roy. She tells Roy that she’s hooked him up with a
lawyer to help him settle his debts- including the $1500. he
owes her. Payoff 2
Improve: Legal person is attracted to Suzy.
Inciting Incident(s) for Roy and Kim Sequence
6c) While: Kim is in the hospital recovering from a fractured
hip. She and Roy meet in the hallway. It’s kismet. Roy
decides to stay as long as possible. Needed pins. Pushed
down a staircase is an event that happened in my family’s
history.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE
AFTERNOON
7) Roy seeks Kim and overhears Kim in an argument with her
brother (a high-up muckety muck in the city) and her
brother’s wife. They argue that they will deny Kim’s claim
that they shot her, and tell everyone that it was selfinflicted,
and get her locked up. Kim is paralyzed with fear
and anger. They have done this before.
7a) Roy interferes by saying that he and Kim are required in
physical therapy. He grabs her clothes and whisks her out.
Kim slips away and heads to a restroom.
3.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Roy waits a bit, but when the parents storm out of the room,
he diverts them to the OR, stating that Kim collapsed and
they wheeled her out. They follow his directions.
8) Kim slips out of the restroom, fully dressed, grabs
someone’s keys from the nurse’s station and takes off. Setup
2
9) Later, Roy looks for Kim but she is gone.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – LATER
Instead, he’s confronted by his ex, Suzy, whose keys were
stolen. She searches his room, but he’s clearly unaware of
the circumstances.
INT. COURTROOM – MORNING
10) The court learns that Roy declared himself dead and
therefore, he hasn’t been collecting his SSI, Veteran’s
benefits and Medal of Honor pay boost. The amount is
significant. The lawyer has somehow miraculously figured out
how to correct that situation- but Roy is indigent, and if he
wants to ‘stay alive’ he has to get a bank account and to do
that- a permanent address. His bills for the van, wawa,
hospital and to his ex are paid- but future benefits come
with the bank/home criteria. He’s also told that his body
cannot take the rough life for much longer. Nonetheless, they
are asking him to change who he is- his whole way of beinghis
identity. That’s a hard nut to swallow. He’s wheeled back
to the hospital, where he looks for Kim but she’s gone.
End of first 10 pages
INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
11) Kim parks the ex’s Suzy’s car in a garage, (Set up 4) and
INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS
Kim heads into a boutique. She chats with an older woman
(Marilyn) in the next changing booth-and advises on style,
etc- and brings clothes for her some of which she keeps for
herself by slipping them under her street clothes.
4.
She also swaps the woman’s car-park ticket with her own. (Set
up 3-car)
INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
12) Kim gets the really nice car and finds good things
including a gym pass all of which she takes.
13) The lady in the dressing room, Marilyn, goes to the car
park and gets Suzy’s car instead. (Pay off 3) She worries
that her pets are home and need to be cared for. Instead,
police are called to file a report and she is greatly
delayed. (set up)
EXT/INT. MARILYN’S CAR & STREETS- CONTINUOUS
14) SWAP 17.) Kim drives Marilyn’s car to the city park.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN – CONTINUOUS
There’s a small cabin near a cliff. She pulls up and stares.
There are people inside, so she drives away.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING
15) Roy’s ex, Suzy, gets a call that her car was found.
(payoff 2A) Roy’s still in hospital garb and smiles sweetly.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING
16) The lady, Marilyn, finally gets home to her townhouse and
her pets are frantic. (payoff 4) One trips her so she breaks
a hip. (setup) While waiting for an ambulance, she calls a
neighbor to petsit but she worries about the reliability of
the kid. She speaks at length to the parent/her neighbor…
several times.
The neighbor teen has an attitude and doesn’t pay attention
to Marilyn when she describes what to do. The teen also might
get into trouble- with booze or leaving the place unlocked.
Marilyn feels panicked but doesn’t have much time. She calls
the teen’s mom who doesn’t get involved. Then she’s whisked
away by an ambulance. “Lock the door! Please, please feed and
pet my dogs and walk them. “
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING
17) SWAPPED 14) Kim is in a fancy gym/club, sitting by the
swimming pool talking loudly to herself.
5.
What Kim stole. Purpose- she’s just had a traumatic
experience and she’s milking something she stole.
I have changed the order of the scenes for a greater impact.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING
17a) She speaks loudly to herself- and her better self
decides to return the car to the car park where she stole it.
“You had your fun, Kim. That lady was nice. She didn’t
deserve this any more than you deserved what happened to you.
Put it back.”
17b) She parks and walks away.
EXT. THEATRE – NIGHT
17c) She enters the stage entrance of a theatre
INT. THEATRE – CONTINUOUS
and finds a good place to hide in the dressing rooms for the
night. Later, when the theatre is empty she indulges in the
snack bar food and booze. She finds plays and reads them
aloud.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING
18) Roy is released from the hospital with a reminder to get
a bank account/permanent place by 6 weeks time.
EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
18a) A box of hot baguettes delivered to the Bellevue hotel
catch his eye. He grabs one before anyone notices.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- CONTINUOUS
18b) Clean and in the suit given to him for court, he wanders
into the Bellevue hotel and finds his way to an unused aprontype
balcony overlooking one of the meeting rooms. Excellent.
He gets to listen to the meetings, and later, after everyone
leaves, to grab food from the break tables set along the
walls. He even gets a couple of bottles of open wine. High
times.
6.
INT. THEATRE – MORNING
19) Kim: The theatre is ‘dark’ as in no shows, so Kim is
having a blast dressing in costumes and reading scripts aloud
on the stage- acting all of the parts.
Improve: 19aa) Add images/clips of Kim acting in the “dark”
theatre. We must know that this is where her heart always
was.
When people enter a couple of days later, she makes a hasty
retreat- still wearing an Edwardian costume and grabbing her
street clothes.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
She passes the car park on her way out and overhears
INT./EXT. – PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
19a) The car park attendant calls Marilyn. Horribly
embarrassed, he says that Marilyn’s car was there all along.
He apologizes profusely. He doesn’t know how that could’ve
happened. Then he turns in his uniform. He’s been fired.
19b) Improve 19c ADD SCENE Kim must find a way to compensate
the fired parking attendant (she inadvertently got him/her
fired)
19c) Kim loudly criticizes herself and compares herself to
her brother, and curses herself- stating that she’s a
horrific person, no better than her brother- etc.
Cut back and forth between Roy and Kim’s actions.
20) Roy goes to a bank but can’t get an account.
INT. BUS – AFTERNOON
21) Kim takes a bus to the same place where she drove- the
edge of the city park.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN- AFTERNOON
She stares at the cabin. There’s a cliff below it. She goes
to the edge of the cliff and contemplates. Then she turns
angrily, and yanks out all of the flowers around the cabin.
She smashes a window. She blames them and vows to be a better
person. I will not be like you!
7.
INT. BUS- CONTINUOUS
21a) Then she gets on a bus and heads back to center city.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON
22) Roy tries to secure an apartment but without money to
deposit he’s rejected.
22a) When the rental agent leaves, he sneaks in and grabs the
firehose, makes a noose and hangs it outside over the
entrance.
End of Act 1
Act II Roy and Kim together
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY
23) Roy returns to the Bellevue to his balcony.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
24) The older lady, Marilyn, now in the hospital is taken
care of by Roy’s ex., Suzy.
Marilyn asks Suzy to try to call the kid who’s pet sitting.
The meds she’s on make her confused, she thinks. Suzy tries
to get through but can’t. Marilyn can’t get info about her
pets and is worried sick. Suzy suggests that Roy might be a
mooch, but when it comes to animals, he would do great. Let
him pet sit. He’s trustworthy. Marilyn says she’d consider
giving him a one-day trial but she needs to meet him. But
Marilyn needs someone right now. She fears her dogs are
frantic. Suzy promises to check in after work. Marilyn’s home
is very close and on Suzy’s way home. Marilyn gives Suzy her
keys.
Marilyn’s in trouble.
Marilyn, with a broken hip, is now in the hospital taken care
of by nurse Suzy.
Purpose- she must meet Suzy, who arranges for her to meet Roy
and eventually solves everyone’s problem. Also, she helps
Marilyn with the petsit.
Problem: it’s a little too convenient.
Brainstorm: Suzy is on her way out the door for the night
when she gets another call to help.
8.
She tries to get someone else to do it- But instead, she’s
told to stay. She resentfully helps the woman but Marilyn
reminds her of someone Suzy loved and lost- a mother- an
aunt. She mentions it.
Later, the hospital will find another nurse but Suzy stops in
all the time to check on Marilyn. She has connected with this
woman as a substitute for someone she has lost.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
25) Kim wanders into the Bellevue and sneaks into a suite
when housekeeping exits.
When she leaves the suite, she rigs the door to be able to reopen
it.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – STAIRWELL
26) Roy gets a heaping plate of food from Sunday brunch and
heads to a stairwell to enjoy it.
26a) He finds Kim in the same stairwell eating and they
connect. They compare food choices and he gallantly offers
her a napkin, etc.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- SUITE
26b) Afterwards, Kim invites Roy to her suite. It’s riskier
than the balcony, but a lot more comfortable. Plus, there’s a
mini bar. They share stories but are platonic.
27) Roy and Kim brainstorm places to mooch/freeload and try
to outdo each other. They make a list of pros and cons and
then a bucket list for the two of them: a spin the bottle
game. This is an emotional breakthrough. Neither of them has
had this kind of buddy- ever or maybe as a child. Kim
calls for room service for the room across the hall.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – OTHER ROOM
When the people from across the hall leave she catches the
door and stays there until room service arrives. Then she
rolls it back to her suite
INT.BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
and she and Roy have another feast. Later, lux baths and they
sleep in beautiful beds.
9.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
27a) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house. The door is unlocked, the
place is a disaster- the kid had a party- and the dogs are
freaked. She calls her nurses’ station and leaves the message
that she’s in the house and will take care of everything.
Then she gets busy with the pups and then cleaning up the
hellhole.
27b) Flag/repair 27) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house and it’s
trashed. Find a different way to fix this.
27 c) Kim’s brother must create more of a problem- ADD
SCENES.
CHANGE scene location is changed.
INT. BUS – PARKSIDE
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
28) Kim takes Roy to the cliff/cabin on the cliff. He doesn’t
know why he’s there. She tells him just a bit of informationthe
house belongs to her brother. He abused her.
Roy doesn’t know how to deal with it so he suggests that they
take a free casino bus to AC to the festival. While there
improve:
Roy’s soft touch with animals.
Purpose- to demonstrate Roy’s extreme resonance with and
kindness to animals.
Solution: Roy and Kim go to Kim’s cliffside place- a baby
squirrel runs and seeks protection on his foot. He spots the
nest- 20 feet high in a tree- climbs the tree and returns the
baby. Kim is touched and impressed. They find her secret
‘cove’ where she’s spend many nights near the cliff, and
smoke weed, and fall asleep together.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
28a) While Suzy is finishing taking care of the pets, the
teen shows up with a pile of friends. Suzy grabs the kid by
the ear and makes him clean up the mess while she watches.
After the house is clean she says: Don’t come back here –
nasty abusers. Exhausted, she tries to get ahold of Roy but
his phone goes to message.
10.
Then she leaves a message for Marilyn at the nurses’s stationshe’ll
stay overnight with the pets and talk to Marilyn
tomorrow.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL
29) Roy and Kim are in Atlantic City and go to a carnival
there. It’s a blast. They sneak onto rides, into fun houses
and steal food. But when Roy sees a family- something about
them triggers him to melt down- PTSD- he’s distraught.
29a) He goes wild, jumps onto a stage, drags Kim onto the
stage with him- it’s a horrific scene.
30) People haul him off and drag him into a
INT. ATLANTIC CITY FESTIVAL- HOLDING ROOM
holding room- where Kim stays with him and sings to him,
whispers to him, calms him. He reveals part of his past. She
tells him that she knows he’s a good man. Kim shows Roy love
that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings him joy and
with her, Roy later comes to believe that they can take on
the world. She helps but also triggers these things, and she
stays by him until she pulls him out of it. Roy lets slip
that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his
time is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly
refuses. He’s heartbroken, but then again, he always felt
that he was shit, not worth the air he breathes. His facing
the past, his fear and abject self loathing resonates with
Kim so she disappears when it gets too close to her own
trauma for comfort.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – HOLDING ROOM
30a) When police arrive, she talks to them outside of the
room, and then when she convinces them that Roy’s OK, and she
leaves.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- BEACH
31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. Improve 31) Roy
wanders the beach looking for Kim.
ADD He needs to encounter someone- and also do something
crazy here.
11.
INT. BUS
Finally, he catches the casino bus back to Philadelphia CC,
and intends to go back to the Bellevue balcony.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET
On the way there, he sees Suzy, who’s anxious to release
herself from pet sitting, so she takes him to meet Marilyn.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
32) Roy and Marilyn hit it off but Roy is unsure that he’s
actually ready to commit.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Suzy takes her lunch hour to show Roy the place and the
ropes. Roy takes to the dogs instantly. Suzy videos him with
the dogs.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Suzy returns with Roy to the hospital- they show Marilyn the
video and Marilyn is convinced that Roy will be OK. Suzy &
Marilyn asks him to give it a try for a couple of days. Why
are you being so nice? Because I don’t want your sorry ass in
my house anymore. Get it together, Roy.
FLAG * 32 Suzy takes her break and shows Roy the ropes to
take care of Marilyn’s home. This one is a serious stretch of
credibility-
INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET
33) Kim, having slept in a meeting room closet in Atlantic
City,
EXT./INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLS AND BALCONY
Returns to the Bellevue. She looks for Roy on his balcony but
he’s no longer there. She takes up his old residence on the
balcony. Improve 33) but her loud self-talk gets her caught.
INT. UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY
33a) She ends up in an underground car park.
12.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to
terms with his past.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
34) Roy sits alone with the dogs. He stares. He’s not sure he
likes this new life.
INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
35) Kim goes to the hospital and asks if Roy was admitted.
She finds her way up to talk to Suzy, whom she knows Roy used
to be with. This peaks Suzy’s curiosity no end. But she’s
tightlipped about Roy.
35a) On the way out, Kim sees Marilyn and stops by her
doorway. Marilyn recognizes her from the dressing room and
asks this nice girl to visit. Kim enters. She feels great
remorse about the car but she knows that she escaped blame.
Marilyn and Kim hit it off. Marilyn says that a man named Roy
is taking care of her pets but if anything happens, maybe you
can do it- because I’ll be here for 6 weeks…. “I knew you
were a nice girl” makes Kim weep and she makes her excuse to
leave.
EXT./INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS
36) Roy walks the dogs and then carefully stows them in the
house- well fed and loved. Then he goes out walking.
INT. REVOLVING RESTAURANT
He eventually sleeps on the floor of a Revolving restaurant
(because it’s a view of the city which he ‘owns’ thrilling,
distant, exciting, isolating. He is alone.) for the night.
EXT. STREETS
When he rises the next morning, a film crew is setting up
near the park. He investigates and weasels his way onto the
set- Desperate for his old life. they think that he works
with them. He eats breakfast, then heads out to take care of
the dogs.
37) After taking care of the dogs, Roy sits staring once
again. He jumps up, goes to the hospital
13.
INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
and hands Suzy Marilyn’s keys. Now Suzy is stuck with finding
a new sitter. Marilyn suggests Kim. But who knows how to get
ahold of Kim? Roy goes to the film set.
EXT. FILM SET
38) EXT. FILM SET Roy works as a Pyro Technician. The crew
think he’s one of them. He sleeps in the honeywagon, eats the
food, gets clothes from the costumer and actually earns his
way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are
pissed off. His supervisor and pals who like him, give him
some cash but he must leave. On his way out, he
Film crew pyrotech- Will add scenes to demonstrate that Roy
is excellent at this, and that he’s well liked. But also,
feels incredibly uncomfortable getting too close- and his
fear of losing them overwhelms him. And the explosions
trigger him.
38a) sets pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
39) The explosion can be heard in the hospital.
EXT. STREETS
40) Roy wanders. He’s looking for Kim.
Second turn-end of act 2: Roy longs for Kim
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
40) Kim is at the cabin near the cliffs again. This time,
she peers into the windows. Empty. She unlocks the door and
enters. She takes a shower, changes clothes which are clearly
hers, and when she leaves, she breaks as many mirrors,
ceramic and glass items as she can. Then she relocks the door
and gets on a bus.
Act 3
41) INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY
Roy finally discovers Kim shoplifting. He’s thrilled. She
shows him how to do it- They even shoplift sandwiches- wine.
14.
INT. CITY HALL TOWER
41a) They go up to the top of city hall and look over the
city and have a picnic.
Roy tells her about the pet sit. Kim explains that she’s the
‘bitch’ who caused Marylin’s mess-
Roy and Kin bond. Roy discloses secrets. Kim just a little.
41aa) And sleep in the city hall tower- overlooking the city
and holding each other tight. It’s brilliant, and they kiss
for the first time. Kim can’t face her demons, so she leaves
in the night.
41aaa) When Roy wakes, freezing up there, His heart is
broken all over again but this time, he suspects that she
doesn’t want to do this life without him, either.
EXT. STREETS
41b) On his way back to the hospital, Roy collapses on the
street. People ignore him because they just think he’s high.
He leans against a building and bawls.
improve *41a Roy collapses on the street and people step over
him.
41c) NEEDS A FOLLOW UP scene.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
42) Roy returns to the hospital to get the petsitting gig
again. At this point, Marilyn has heard that Kim and Roy are
probably an item, and this time insists that he and Kim take
care of her dogs and home together.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
43) Roy goes to Marilyn’s house and walks the dogs.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
43a) He sneaks them into the hospital to see Marilyn.
44) Meanwhile. Kim has thought about the petsitting gig and
goes to see Marilyn. Roy is there.
The tour sequence
15.
45) Roy and Kim trade favorite mooch places while checking in
with the dogs and Marilyn.
INT. THEATRE
46) They spend a night at the theatre,
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL
47) a night at the Bellevue,
INT. FOUR SEASONS HOTEL
48) a night at the four seasons, etc,
49) and make the rounds.
INT. MACY’S EX WANNAMAKER STORE
50) They even spend a night under the pipe organ in the old
wannamaker department store,
INT. LONGWOOD GARDENS
and at longwood gardens under the banana trees.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
51) But each time, they take care of Marilyn’s dogs, they
sneak the dogs in to see Marilyn-
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
52) they visit the cabin on the cliff. Kim tells him that
this is where she intends to commit suicide.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
53) Kim does Marilyn’s hair & nails and brings her clothes.
53a) ADD SCENE /moments when Kim admits that she’s the one
who caused Marilyn’s demise. She expects to be thrown out and
vilified and starts to leave. Instead, after initial shock,
Marilyn accepts Kim for who she is. The moment is cathartic.
She has never been accepted by anyone else but Roy.
16.
EXT. STREETS
54) ADD they take her out on wheelchair strolls and get her
into some exciting mischief.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
55) And for fun, they shoplift,
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
56) sneak into the new AMC movie complex, and so on. Little
by little, Roy reveals his past.
Roy knows that Kim’s dark secrets lie in that cabin on the
cliff. She has told him that she intends to commit suicide
there.
57) Often they are separate as Kim disappears.
58) INT. HOSPITAL- DAY
Roy and Kim meet at the hospital daily. More visits with the
lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets in. Roy has taken
on the commitment and he’s getting better at it.
59) Marilyn makes a deal that if they promise to stay
together, she’ll consider leaving her house and pets to them
in her will. She doesn’t want the government or the nasty
neighbor into her house. Or anyone else.
60) While at the hospital, Suzy tells them that Marilyn is
being moved to hospice. No pets. The nurses in hospice
discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives.
61) ADD a minister visits daily and this is when she talks to
him/her about marrying Roy and Kim.
62) INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT
On a lark, the two crash the Bellevue hotel suite because,
well, having a permanent place is so unsexy for Kim. They’ve
snuck the pets in, too because it’s way more fun. They get
caught, but this time- they have a place to go.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
63) They go back to Marilyn’s house and set up a makeshift ?
17.
Purpose: they don’t want to be conventional but setting up a
kid tent with sheets is cliche`.
Brainstorm:
They ‘hide’ in the walk-in closet. They ‘hide’ under the bed.
etc
Then scene proceeds as planned.
At one point, they grab food, also for the pets, bottles of
champagne- etc.
64) While Roy is scouting food, Kim finds Roy’s medal of
honor tucked into an old towel, and learns that Roy saved his
fellow soldiers in war.
Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life; why he
acts this way. It’s because, finally, despite the fact that
Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart. But she
won’t commit, goddamn it, she won’t commit and life isn’t
worth living without her.
65) She slips away once again. The hotel just isn’t fun
without her.
66) EXT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
When he gets to the townhouse, he’s locked out. The angry
neighbor/parent of the bratty kid. has taken over ownership.
Roy and Kim have somehow lost the pet sit house.
PURPOSE to eliminate possibilities and leave Roy without
anything- now he’s lost his identity, his physical ability,
his Kim. Also, to show the end is coming, to mirror the
beginning, so show fate.
67) Add scene- Kid admits that he trashed the house and then
the nasty neighbor gives it up. The neighbor gives Roy and
Kim the keys.
68) 7. Crisis: The clock is nearly run out. Roy has lost
everything. Roy can’t find a place, can’t find Kim and can’t
figure it out alone anymore. Without Kim, too, life is not
worth breathing. He decides to go to Kim’s cliff/cabin. He is
mentally lost and doesn’t know what to do.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
69) When Kim is there, he begs her to be with him.
8. Climax:
18.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
ROY goes to the cliff and finds Kim there.
70) Instead of doing a “Thelma and Louise”, when Kim catches
Roy contemplating suicide she finally tells her truth. He
convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they
both pull each other away from the brink.
71) Fiercely empathetic, Roy, a pyro guy, blows up the cabin
on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past and
his own. They both weep cathartically at the sight.
72) Roy begs Kim to give him a chance at life. He says that
he will try, every day, to forgive himself. He promises to be
patient and accept her in every way.
Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not
mean to ‘settle” Roy promises an exciting and mischievous
life for Kim and begs her to share his life.
9. Resolution:
73) improve Roy and Kim sneak Marilyn out of hospice for a
home visit with Suzy’s help. Then they bring her back to
hospice.
74) INT. COURTROOM- DAY
Roy and Kim win the legal right to the the deed housesit and
put their names on the address. Marilyn is there to sign.
INT. HOSPICE- DAY
75) Back at the hospice, they promise the lady that they will
take care of her pet babies and home.
Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of
smooching. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe
that they’re getting over on people and she suspends her
disbelief to play the life game with him. They visit the
lady throughout her last days.
76) The minister enters. They freak. No, they don’t get
married! It freezes them in their tracks and Marilyn backs
off.
77) The lady feels so good on some days, that she thinks she
may even move back to the house and live with them. Which, in
the last seconds of the film, makes Roy and Kim look at each
other and you know what they’re thinking: “Uh Oh. Gotta go.”
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June Fortunato’s Pass #8: Clichè Busting!
“What I learned doing this assignment is…excellent assignment!
1) The empty house. Roy’s in the empty house. Purpose: Roy has hidden something from his ex. Brainstorm: instead of booze- something she doesn’t want to eat or doesn’t want him to have- tub of french fries, caramels, a whole chocolate cake, cigars, store bought huge package of chocolate covered oreos or just a huge stash of chewing tobacco. Selection: Behind the refrigerator, Roy has a private stash box with a whole chocolate cake, salty junk food, bottle of booze, small bag of pot and something medal with a ribbon, wrapped in an old towel. *Solution: Roy discovers that Suzy found his stash. She has left a note.
2) Roy in traction. Doctors speak to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing. Purpose: his body is falling apart and he must stop living the life of adventure. Why? Condition: as of yet, undetermined- was considering liver failure. Brainstorm: Stroke potential. Super high blood pressure. Worsening dementia. PTSD triggers are multiplying. Hearing loss. Radiation poisoning. Hep C. Exposure to fuels (petro, oils lubrucants) Respiratory, headaches, dizziness, sleep disorders. Selection: Viet Nam exposed him to fuels and his rough life is causing Respiratory, headaches, dizziness, sleep disorders.
3) Kim in hospital. Kim is recovering from a bullet wound. Purpose- she has to be in the hospital to meet Roy and to indicate trouble/abuse. Problem: She should be an osteo reason as that’s the ward Roy and eventually Marilyn is in. Brainstorm: She broke her hip & needed pins. She was too close to the edge of the cliff contemplating her life. She was pushed by her brother’s wife down a staircase. She started a fight with her brother and siter in law. She dove into their swimming pool and hit the board. She damaged their property and while running flipped over landscaping. Selection: Not bullet- must be osteo. Hip is better than arm- which is outpatient. Needed pins. Pushed down a staircase is an event that happened in my family’s history.
4) What Kim stole. Kim is in a fancy gym talking loudly to herself. Purpose- she’s just had a traumatic experience and she’s milking something she stole. I have changed the order of the scenes for a greater impact.
5) Marilyn’s in trouble. Marilyn, with a broken hip, is now in the hospital taken care of by nurse Suzy. Purpose- she must meet Suzy, who arranges for her to meet Roy and eventually solves everyone’s problem. Also, she helps Marilyn with the petsit. Problem: it’s a little too convenient. tries to get someone else to do it- But instead, she’s told to stay. She resentfully helps the woman but Marilyn reminds her of someone Suzy loved and lost- a mother- an aunt. She mentions it. Later, the hospital will find another nurse but Suzy stops in all the time to check on Marilyn. She has connected with this woman as a substitute for someone she has lost.
6) Roy’s soft touch with animals. Roy and Kim volunteer at an animal refuge. Purpose- to demonstrate Roy’s extreme resonance with and kindness to animals. Brainstorm: zoo, petstore, bird sanctuary, park- where animals are attracted to him- streets. Solution: Roy and Kim go to Kim’s cliffside place- a baby squirrel runs and seeks protection on his foot. He spots the nest- 20 feet high in a tree- climbs the tree and returns the baby.
7) Roy wakes to see film crew. Roy sleeps on a park bench. Purpose: Roy wakes to a film crew setting up nearby. Desperate for his old life. Brainstorm: Revolving restaurant. He snuck in to ‘find someone’ and hid until the restaurant closed. Then he watched the city all night. Top floor, Loews hotel meeting rooms, Crystal Tea room- panoramic view atop the old department store. Selection: Revolving restaurant because it’s a view of the city which he ‘owns’ thrilling, distant, exciting, isolating. He is alone.
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June Fortunato’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains
5. Answer the question “What I learned doing this is…?” These are currently built in. However, I expanded them. My concern is that I haven’t developed my characters fully to pay off my pitch, and when I do that, the outline will of course, change- as well as the set ups and payoffs. I don’t think my outline is living up to the wild and reckless nature that I want to convey- and that takes research.
1. List ALL of the setup/payoff chains (SP Chains) from your story —
One or two sentences per setup/payoff.
SP CHAIN 1: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Roy and Suzy, his (ex) girl. She goes to bat for him twice. Setup: Roy waits for his girl Suzy outside, later discovers that she’s dumped him and moved out. He deliberately gets beat up so that he’ll go to a hospital where she works.
Payoff 1: His girl, Suzy is a nurse at the hospital and takes care of him.
Payoff 2: Suzy hooks him up with a lawyer.
Setup/payoff 3 Roy must find a permanent residence- Suzy recommends him to Marilyn who needs an in-home pet/house sitter and eventually wills her house to him.
SP CHAIN 2: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Kim and Roy are meant to be together. Setup: Roy helps Kim escape her irate and abusive brother in the hospital.
Payoff 1: We learn that Kim’s mental state is because she was abused by her brother.
Payoff 2: Kim tears up the garden.
Payoff 3: Kim goes into the house and smashes things.
Payoff 4: At the end, Roy (and Kim) blow up her brother’s cabin.
SP CHAIN 3: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Kim rips Marilyn off, later admits to hurting her -Marilyn rewards her by giving Kim her house.
Setup: Boutique dressing room- Kim swaps car-park tickets.
Payoff 1: Kim gets Marilyn’s fancy car and a gym pass.
Payoff 2: Kim regrets it, and returns the car to the car park.
Payoff 3: The parking attendant is accused of messing up and gets fired.
Payoff 4: Kim finds a way to compensate the parking attendant.
Payoff 5/set up- because of the car incident, Marilyn breaks a hip and needs a pet-sitter.
Setup/payoff 6- Suzy takes care of Marilyn in the hospital and recommends Roy.
Payoff 7- Marilyn is so charmed by Roy and Kim as a couple that she makes a deal to will her house to them if they take care of her pets and stay together.
SP CHAIN 4: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Roy steals a van and learns that he has money coming to him and can pay for damages and other bills.
Setup: Roy escapes through a window of the place he’s squatting, and steals a van. Roy deliberately rams it into a wawa. He hopes to go to jail.
Payoff 1: Roy is in jail./setup He deliberately clogs a toilet so that he’ll get beaten up.
Payoff 2:Roy is in the hospital.
Setup/ Payoff 3: Roy gets a lawyer who helps him ‘become alive” and collects his benefits to pay for damages, theft, court costs and hospital bills. But he must find a permanent place/address/bank account.
Payoff 4: Marilyn, whom Kim ripped off, wills her home to him and Kim.
SP CHAIN 5: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Roy helps Kim escape and ends up falling in love with her.
Setup: As in 2- Roy overhears Kim’s abusive brother and makes up a story to get her out of there.
Payoff 1: Roy meets Kim again in the Bellevue hotel, where they start hanging out together.
Payoff 2: Roy and Kim end up together.
SP CHAIN 6: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Roy works on a film set and when he isn’t paid, blows up the department manager’s trailer.
Setup: Roy is a pyro guy and slides onto a film set for food and lodging.
Payoff 1: He gets fed and does the job well. He makes friends.
Payoff 2: He tries to get paid and isn’t on the list so he’s kicked off the set.
Payoff 3: He blows up the department head’s trailer.
SP CHAIN 7: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Roy is rejected for an apartment and for a bank account.
Set up: Roy interviews for an apartment and is told no cash, no apartment. He tries to get a bank account and is told no address, no account.
Payoff 1: He sneaks back into the building and takes the fire hose, makes a noose and hangs it over the front entrance.
SP CHAIN 8: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Kim discovers how kind Roy is. Set up: Roy and Kim volunteer at an animal sanctuary and Kim discovers how caring Roy is, and how loving to animals.
Payoff 1: Roy is rewarded by pet-sitting Marilyn’s dogs, who help him heal.
SP CHAIN 9: (Describe the chain in one sentence) Kim crashes a theatre and eventually gets to perform there.
Set up: Kim sneaks into a “dark” legit theatre and dresses up in costumes and reads plays on the
Payoff 1: Marilyn has a connection to the little theatre and helps Kim take classes when she eventually gets to perform for real.
2. Select a setup/payoff chain you want to make stronger.
9. This one is not yet developed in the outline.
How can you make the setup more interesting or effective? choice of the play/roles TBD
How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful? scenes are not yet written.
I want to develop Roy’s character and explore the counterculture era of the 60s.
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June Fortunato’s Pass 6 Subplots Day 12 for Retirement
ASSIGNMENT
What I learned: I’d started to think about the subplots but this helped to find places to inject
scenes and moments. Good steps.
———————
1. Identify the subplots that have naturally emerged in your story and tell us the beginning,
middle, and end of each, like I did above with the English Bob subplot.
Subplots for Retirement:
Marilyn is the lady in the dressing room whose car gets ‘borrowed’ by Kim. Because of Kim,
she’s delayed and her dogs freak out and one trips her- breaking her hip. She lands in the
hospital.
Suzy is a nurse who takes care of Roy, Kim and later Marilyn. She connects Roy and Kim with
Marilyn to mind Marilyn’s townhome and pets.
Main conflict: Roy needs to stop running but doesn’t want to do it without Kim.
How can I show Roy’s physical demise?
A. Doctors talk to Suzy and Roy.
B. Suzy tells Marilyn about Roy’s physical condition.
C. Kim tells Marilyn about Roy’s physical condition.
D. Roy collapses on the street. People ignore him because they think he’s high.
Dramatic question: Will Roy find a permanent place and will it be with Kim? Will he stop Kim
from committing suicide and convince her to instead, commit to him?
How can I introduce this world?
A. The apartment and bank rejections.
B. Roy must get caught, robbed, beaten.
C. Kim stares at her parent’s home, tears it up, screams at it.
D. Roy walks all night, sleeps on a park bench.
E. Soup kitchen alone. Soup kitchen with Kim- where they entertain people.
Dilemma: Roy is torn between running with Kim and feeling alive, and surviving/ staying in one
place. “Frankly, I’ve never cared much about money.”
Theme: Forgiveness, denial, trust
How can I set up a reason?
Marilyn has to trust someone. Then she learns that it was Kim who caused all of this
pain- she finds a way to forgive. It changes Kim. To know that she was the one that ruined this
lady’s life- she has to learn to forgive her father- Marilyn tells her that she doesn’t want to be
eaten inside with anger and hate- she knows that forgiveness is the elimination of distraction and
hot, negative emotions. She just wants to be happy and peaceful and find joy. And she suggests
that Kim do this, too.
3. Rewrite the beats of that subplot to add in the new emotion or meaning.
4. Add the improvements to your outline.
Scenes added in orange
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Opening
1) Roy waits for hours outdoors for his girl, Suzy, to calm down/his girl has moved out.
2) Roy enters the empty house – drinks from his stashed booze bottles, and sleeps in a hallway.
3) Landlord & cleaning crew arrive/Roy hides in the bathroom, gathers hidden hand tools,
escapes out of the window and jacks the cleaning crew’s van, which he deliberately smashes into
a WAWA to get a free bed (aka jail) He’s arrested.
4) In jail he protects a teen from the thugs in the cell. They find the food rancid, and together
smash it all over the floor and slide around.
5) Fearful that he’ll be forced to eat it anyway, and knowing that the thugs who share the cell will
pummel him, he stuffs the food into the toilet and clogs it.
6) In the hospital, in traction- his ex, Suzy, who’s a nurse finds him. Her first line is: “There’s the
guy who owes me $1500.” She makes sure that the person who’ll bathe Roy isn’t gentle, but on
the other hand she hooks him up with a pro-bono lawyer.
*6a) Suzy speaks with a legal rep/lawyer. She introduces her to Roy by saying, “This is the
woman who’s going to save your behind.” From there, the lawyer speaks with Roy.
6b) Doctors talk to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing and he cannot live the rough life
anymore.
Inciting Incident(s) for Roy and Kim Sequence
While: Kim is in the hospital recovering from a bullet wound. She and Roy meet in the hallway.
It’s kismet. Roy decides to stay as long as possible.
7) Roy seeks Kim and overhears Kim in an argument with her father (a high-up muckety muck
in the city) and her father’s wife. They argue that they will deny Kim’s claim that they shot her,
and tell everyone that it was self-inflicted, and get her locked up. Kim is paralyzed with fear
and anger. They have done this before.
Roy interferes by saying that he and Kim are required in physical therapy. He grabs her clothes
and whisks her out. Kim slips away and heads to a restroom. Roy waits a bit, but when the
parents storm out of the room, he diverts them to the OR, stating that Kim collapsed and they
wheeled her out. They follow his directions.
8) Kim slips out of the restroom, fully dressed, grabs someone’s keys from the nurse’s station and
takes off.
9) Later, Roy looks for Kim but she is gone. Instead, he’s confronted by his ex, Suzy, whose keys
were stolen. She searches his room, but he’s clearly unaware of the circumstances. She tells Roy
that she’s hooked him up with a lawyer to help him settle his debts- including the $1500. he owes
her.
10) The court learns that Roy declared himself dead and therefore, he hasn’t been collecting his
SSI, Veteran’s benefits and Medal of Honor pay boost. The amount is significant. The lawyer has
somehow miraculously figured out how to correct that situation- but Roy is indigent, and if he
wants to ‘stay alive’ he has to get a bank account and to do that- a permanent address. His bills
for the van, wawa, hospital and to his ex are paid- but future benefits come with the bank/home
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criteria. He’s also told that his body cannot take the rough life for much longer. Nonetheless, they
are asking him to change who he is- his whole way of being- his identity. That’s a hard nut to
swallow. He’s wheeled back to the hospital, where he looks for Kim but she’s gone.
End of first 10 pages
11) Kim parks the ex’s Suzy’s car in a garage, and heads into a boutique. She chats with an older
woman in the next changing booth-Marilyn- advising on style, etc- and grabs clothes for her
some of which she keeps for herself by slipping them under her street clothes. She also swaps the
woman’s car-park ticket with her own.
12) Kim gets the really nice car and finds good things including a gym pass all of which she
takes.
13) The lady in the dressing room, Marilyn, goes to the car park and gets Suzy’s car instead. She
worries that her pets are home and need to be cared for. Instead, police are called to file a report
and she is greatly delayed.
14) Kim is in a fancy gym/club, sitting by the swimming pool talking loudly to herself.
15) Roy’s ex, Suzy, gets a call that her car was found. Roy’s still in hospital garb and smiles
sweetly.
16) The lady, Marilyn, finally gets home to her townhouse and her pets are frantic. One trips her
so she breaks a hip. While waiting for an ambulance, she calls a neighbor to pet sit but she
worries about the reliability of the kid.
The neighbor teen has an attitude and doesn’t pay attention to Marilyn when she describes what
to do. The teen also might get into trouble- with booze or leaving the place unlocked. Marilyn
feels panicked but doesn’t have much time. She calls the teen’s mom who doesn’t get involved.
Then she’s whisked away by an ambulance. “Lock the door! Please, please feed and pet my dogs
and walk them. “
17.) Kim goes to Marilyn’s car in the gym parking lot and drives it to the city park. There’s a
small cabin near a cliff. She pulls up and stares. There are people inside, so she drives away. She
speaks loudly to herself- and her better self decides to return the car to the car park where she
stole it. “You had your fun, Kim. That lady was nice. She didn’t deserve this any more than you
deserved what happened to you. Put it back.”
She parks and walks away. She enters the stage entrance of a theatre and finds a good place to
hide in the dressing rooms for the night. Later, when the theatre is empty she indulges in the
snack bar food and booze. She finds plays and reads them aloud.
18) Roy is released from the hospital with a reminder to get a bank account/permanent place by 6
weeks time. A box of hot baguettes delivered to the Bellevue hotel catch his eye. He grabs one
before anyone notices. Clean and in the suit given to him for court, he wanders into the Bellevue
hotel and finds his way to an unused apron-type balcony overlooking one of the meeting rooms.
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Excellent. He gets to listen to the meetings, and later, after everyone leaves, to grab food from
the break tables set along the walls. He even gets a couple of bottles of open wine. High times.
19) Kim: The theatre is ‘dark’ as in no shows, so Kim is having a blast dressing in costumes and
reading scripts aloud on the stage- acting all of the parts. When people enter a couple of days
later, she makes a hasty retreat- still wearing an Edwardian costume and grabbing her street
clothes. She passes the car park on her way out and overhears
19a) The car park attendant calls Marilyn. Horribly embarrassed, he says that Marilyn’s car was
there all along. He apologizes profusely. He doesn’t know how that could’ve happened. Then he
turns in his uniform. He’s been fired.
19b) Kim loudly criticizes herself and compares herself to her father, and curses herself- stating
that she’s a horrific person, no better than her father- etc.
Cut back and forth between Roy and Kim’s actions.
20) Roy goes to a bank but can’t get an account.
21) Kim takes a bus to the same place where she drove- the edge of the city park. She stares at
the cabin. There’s a cliff below it. She goes to the edge of the cliff and contemplates. Then she
turns angrily, and
yanks out all of the flowers around the cabin. She smashes a window. She blames them and
vows to be a better person. I will not be like you! Then she gets on a bus and heads back to
center city.
22) Roy tries to secure an apartment but without money to deposit he’s rejected.
When the rental agent leaves, he sneaks in and grabs the firehose, makes a noose and hangs it
outside over the entrance.
End of Act 1
Act II Roy and Kim together
23) Roy returns to the Bellevue to his balcony.
24) The older lady, Marilyn, now in the hospital is taken care of by Roy’s ex., Suzy.
Marilyn asks Suzy to try to call the kid who’s pet sitting. The meds she’s on make her confused,
she thinks. Suzy tries to get through but can’t. Marilyn can’t get info about her pets and is
worried sick. Suzy suggests that Roy might be a mooch, but when it comes to animals, he
would do great. Let him pet sit. He’s trustworthy. Marilyn says she’d consider giving him a oneday
trial but she needs to meet him. But Marilyn needs someone right now. She fears her dogs
are frantic. Suzy promises to check in after work. Marilyn’s home is very close and on Suzy’s
way home.
25) Kim wanders into the Bellevue and sneaks into a suite when housekeeping exits.
When she leaves the suite, she rigs the door to be able to re-open it.
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26) Roy gets a lovely plate of food from Sunday brunch and heads to a stairwell to enjoy it.
He finds Kim in the same stairwell eating and they connect. They compare food choices and he
gallantly offers her a napkin, etc. Afterwards, Kim invites Roy to her suite. It’s riskier than the
balcony, but a lot more comfortable. Plus, there’s a mini bar.
They share stories but are platonic.
27) Roy and Kim brainstorm places to mooch/freeload and try to outdo each other. They make a
list of pros and cons and then a bucket list for the two of them: a spin the bottle game. This is an
emotional breakthrough. Neither of them has had this kind of buddy- ever or maybe as a child.
Kim calls for room service for the room across the hall. When the people from across the hall
leave she catches the door and stays there until room service arrives. Then she rolls it back to her
suite and she and Roy have another feast. Later, lux baths and they sleep in beautiful beds.
27a) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house. The door is unlocked, the place is a disaster- the kid had a
party- and the dogs are freaked. She calls her nurses’ station and leaves the message that she’s in
the house and will take care of everything. Then she gets busy with the pups and then cleaning
up the hellhole.
28) Roy and Kim can’t stay anywhere too long. They head on a ‘free’ casino bus to Atlantic city.
On the way, they stop at an animal refuge where Kim has volunteered. Here she learns what a
softie Roy is for animals. They beg a meal, and a night’s stay, and the next day get a ride to
Atlantic City.
28a) While Suzy is finishing cleaning the house, the teen shows up with a pile of friends. Suzy
commands the keys, and boots them out. Don’t come back here – nasty abusers. Exhausted, she
tries to get ahold of Roy but his phone goes to message. Then she leaves a message for Marilynshe’ll
stay overnight with the pets and talk to Marilyn tomorrow.
30) Roy and Kim are in Atlantic City and go to a carnival there. It’s a blast. They sneak onto
rides, into fun houses and steal food.
But when Roy sees a family- something about them triggers him to melt down- PTSD- he’s
distraught. He goes wild, jumps onto a stage, drags Kim onto the stage with him- it’s a horrific
scene. People haul him off and drag him into a holding room- where Kim stays with him and
sings to him, whispers to him, calms him. He reveals part of his past. She tells him that she
knows he’s a good man. Kim shows Roy love that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings
him joy and with her, Roy later comes to believe that they can take on the world. She helps but
also triggers these things, and she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. Roy lets slip that
he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his time is running out. Instead of just
disappearing, she flatly refuses. He’s heartbroken, but then again, he always felt that he was
shit, not worth the air he breathes.
His facing the past, his fear and abject self loathing resonates with Kim so she disappears when it
gets too close to her own trauma for comfort.
When police arrive, she talks to them outside of the room, and then when she convinces them
that Roy’s OK, and she leaves.
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31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. Finally, he catches the casino bus back to
Philadelphia CC, and intends to go back to the Bellevue balcony. On the way there, he sees
Suzy, who’s anxious to release herself from pet sitting, so she takes him to meet Marilyn.
32) Roy and Marilyn hit it off but Roy is unsure that he’s actually ready to commit. Suzy takes
her lunch hour to show Roy the place and the ropes. Roy takes to the dogs instantly. Suzy videos
him with the dogs. Suzy returns with Roy to the hospital- they show Marilyn the video and
Marilyn is convinced that Roy will be OK. Suzy & Marilyn asks him to give it a try for a
couple of days. Why are you being so nice? Because I don’t want your sorry ass in my house
anymore. Get it together, Roy.
33) Kim, having slept in a meeting room closet in Atlantic City, returns to the Bellevue. She
looks for Roy on his balcony but he’s no longer there. She takes up his old residence on the
balcony.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past.
34) Roy sits alone with the dogs. He stares. He’s not sure he likes this new life.
35) Kim goes to the hospital and asks if Roy was admitted. She finds her way up to talk to Suzy,
whom she knows Roy used to be with. This peaks Suzy’s curiosity no end. But she’s tightlipped
about Roy. On the way out, Kim sees Marilyn and stops by her doorway. Marilyn recognizes her
from the dressing room and asks this nice girl to visit. Kim enters. She feels great remorse about
the car but she knows that she escaped blame. Marilyn and Kim hit it off. Marilyn says that a
man named Roy is taking care of her pets but if anything happens, maybe you can do it- because
I’ll be here for 6 weeks…. “I knew you were a nice girl” makes Kim weep and she makes her
excuse to leave.
36) Roy walks the dogs and then carefully stows them in the house- well fed and loved. Then he
goes out walking. He eventually sleeps on a park bench for the night. When he rises the next
morning, a film crew is setting up near the park. He investigates and weasels his way onto the
set- they think that he works with them. He eats breakfast, then heads out to take care of the
dogs.
37) After taking care of the dogs, Roy sits staring once again. He jumps up, goes to the hospital
and hands Suzy Marilyn’s keys. Now Suzy is stuck with petsitting again. Marilyn suggests KIm.
But who knows how to get ahold of Kim? Roy goes to the film set.
38) EXT. FILM SET Roy weasels his way onto a film set and works as a Pyro Technician. The
crew
think he’s one of them. He sleeps in the honeywagon, eats the food, gets clothes from the
costumer and actually earns his way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are pissed
off. His supervisor and pals who like him, give him some cash but he must leave. On his way
out, he sets pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
39) The explosion can be heard in the hospital.
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40) Roy wanders. He’s looking for Kim.
Second turn-end of act 2: Roy longs for Kim.
40) Kim is at the cabin near the cliffs again. This time, she peers into the windows. Empty. She
unlocks the door and enters. She takes a shower, changes clothes which fit her, and when she
leaves, she breaks as many ceramic and glass items as she can. Then she relocks the door and
gets on a bus.
Act 3
41) INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY
Roy finally discovers Kim shoplifting. He’s thrilled. She shows him how to do it- They even
shoplift sandwiches- wine. They go up to the top of city hall and look over the city and have a
picnic.
Roy tells her about the pet sit. Kim explains that she’s the ‘bitch’ who caused Marylin’s mess-
Roy and Kin bond. Roy discloses secrets. Kim just a little.
And sleep in the city hall tower- overlooking the city and holding each other tight. It’s brilliant,
and they kiss for the first time. Kim can’t face her demons, so she leaves in the night.
When Roy wakes, freezing up there, His heart is broken all over again but this time, he suspects
that she doesn’t want to do this life without him, either.
41a) On his way back to the hospital, Roy collapses on the street. People ignore him because
they just think he’s high. He leans against a building and bawls.
42) Roy returns to the hospital to get the petsitting gig again. At this point, Marilyn has heard
that Kim and Roy are probably an item, and this time insists that he and Kim take care of her
dogs and home together.
43) Roy goes to Marilyn’s house and walks the dogs. He sneaks them into the hospital to see
Marilyn.
44) Meanwhile. Kim has thought about the petsitting gig and goes to see Marilyn. Roy is there.
The tour sequence
Roy and Kim trade favorite mooch places while checking in with the dogs and Marilyn. They
spend a night at the theatre, a night at the Bellevue, a night at the four seasons, etc, and make the
rounds. They even spend a night under the pipe organ in the old wannamaker department store,
and at longwood gardens under the banana trees. But each time, they take care of Marilyn’s dogs,
they sneak the dogs in to see Marilyn- they visit the cabin on the cliff. Kim tells him that this is
where she intends to commit suicide.
Kim does Marilyn’s hair and paints her nails and brings her clothes- And for fun, they shoplift,
sneak into the new AMC movie complex, and so on. Little by little, Roy reveals his past.
Roy knows that Kim’s dark secrets lie in that cabin on the cliff. She has told him that she intends
to commit suicide there. Often they are separate as Kim disappears.
INT. HOSPITAL- DAY
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8
Roy and Kim meet at the hospital daily. More visits with the lady in the hospital and sneaking
the pets in. Roy has taken on the commitment and he’s getting better at it.
Marilyn makes a deal that if they promise to stay together, she’ll consider leaving her house and
pets to them in her will. She doesn’t want the government or her nasty nephew and niece in law
to take her house anyway.
While at the hospital, Suzy tells them that Marilyn is being moved to hospice. No pets. The
nurses in hospice discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives.
INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT
On a lark, the two crash the Bellevue hotel suite because, well, having a permanent place is so
unsexy for Kim. They’ve snuck the pets in, too. At one point, they grab food, also for the pets,
bottles of champagne- etc.
While Roy is scouting food, Kim finds Roy’s medal of honor tucked into an old towel,
and learns that Roy saved his fellow soldiers in war.
Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life; why he acts this way. It’s because,
finally, despite the fact that Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart. But she won’t
commit, goddamn it, she won’t commit and life isn’t worth living without her.
She slips away once again. The hotel just isn’t fun without her.
EXT. TOWNHOUSE – NIGHT
When he gets to the townhouse, he’s locked out. The woman’s niece in law has taken over
ownership. Roy and Kim have somehow lost the pet sit house.
7. Crisis: The clock is nearly run out. Roy has lost everything. Roy can’t find a place, can’t find
Kim and can’t figure it out alone anymore. Without Kim, too, life is not worth breathing. He
decides to follow a plan they discussed, and jump to his death near her family’s cliffside cabin.
8. Climax:
EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
ROY is at the cliff. He is about to jump, and Kim appears. Instead of doing a “Thelma and
Louise”, when Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide she finally tells her truth. He convinces
Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.
Fiercely empathetic, Roy, a pyro guy, blows up the cabin on the cliff which houses the dark
events of Kim’s past and his own. They both weep cathartically at the sight.
Roy begs Kim to give him a chance at life. He says that he will try, every day, to forgive himself.
He promises to be patient and accept her in every way.
Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy promises an
exciting and mischievous life for Kim and begs her to share his life.
9. Resolution:
INT. COURTROOM- DAY
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Roy and Kim win the legal right to the housesit and put their names on the address. The lady
from the hospice is there.
INT. HOSPICE- DAY
Back at the hospice, they promise the lady that they will take care of her pet babies and home.
Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of smooching. He will pre-pay
everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people and she suspends her
disbelief to play the life game with him. They visit the lady throughout her last days.
The lady feels so good on some days, that she thinks she may even move back to the house
and live with them. Which, in the last seconds of the film, makes Roy and Kim look at each
other and you know what they’re thinking: “Uh Oh. Gotta go.”
Concept
* Crazyass Roy can get his SSI and vet’s benefits, but only if he stops running and gets a
permanent place to live. Just when he almost convinces himself to do that, he’s smitten with
Kim- a smart and sassy moocher who loves him, too, but can’t stop to face her own dark past.
– Protagonist Goal- Roy 60s
*To get his god given SSI and Veterans benefits and have a choice to live as he wishes- but since
he can’t do that- to find a permanent address so that he can get his benefits. After he meets Kim,
to get Kim to be the permanent home for his heart. To stop her from committing suicide.
– Protagonist Goal- Kim 50s
To find every way possible to damage her parents’ reputation- those ‘good people’ by insuring
that with every action- others know whose daughter she is – to live wild and never give her
parents what they wanted- And when she meets Roy- to gain an ally to do outrageous things- to
have as much fun as possible and to make him promise that when she commits suicide, they
know it was because of her parents.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Roy
* A runaway freight train- a man who lives rough; plows through life and avoids being fully
human… a charming super moocher who can’t work for long because he expects himself to fail –
a man afraid to tell anyone who he really is
to
A man who comes to terms and who finds the strength to accept himself- a willingness to finally
learn to live, to love and to hope.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Kim
A woman on the edge who’s so deeply wounded and insecure that she carries on loud
conversations with herself – the bold “self” announces to the world how strong she is- and that
strong persona pushes her to take monumental risks- to spite herself- to do herself damage- she
aches to be stable but cannot stop shouting against her painto
A woman who knows that she can have true security, really can give her trust, and is coming
together, to become what she should have been all along.
– Main Conflict: Roy
Time is limited- can’t get a place without money and can’t get money without his place- Kim
won’t go along so what’s the point of going on anyway? But he’s got to convince her because her
goal is wrong.
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June Fortunato’s Pass #5 Action/reaction for “Retirement”
5. Above your work, answer the question “What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…As we say in Philly, “Yo!” This assignment needs much more time.It’s helpful. I discovered how to work the subplots- how to connect the arena- but I’m cutting my losses and will post now and continue working.
Concept * Crazyass Roy can get his SSI and vet’s benefits, but only if he stops running and gets a permanent place to live. Just when he almost convinces himself to do that, he’s smitten with Kim- a smart and sassy moocher who loves him, too, but can’t stop to face her own dark past.
– Protagonist Goal- Roy 60s *To get his god given SSI and Veterans benefits and have a choice to live as he wishes- but since he can’t do that- to find a permanent address so that he can get his benefits. After he meets Kim, to get Kim to be the permanent home for his heart. To stop her from committing suicide.
– Protagonist Goal- Kim 50s To find every way possible to damage her parents’ reputation- those ‘good people’ by insuring that with every action- others know whose daughter she is – to live wild and never give her parents what they wanted- And when she meets Roy- to gain an ally to do outrageous things- to have as much fun as possible and to make him promise that when she commits suicide, they know it was because of her parents.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Roy * A runaway freight train- a man who lives rough; plows through life and avoids being fully human… a charming super moocher who can’t work for long because he expects himself to fail –
a man afraid to tell anyone who he really is to A man who comes to terms and who finds the strength to accept himself- a willingness to finally learn to live, to love and to hope.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Kim A woman on the edge who’s so deeply wounded and insecure that she carries on loud conversations with herself – the bold “self” announces to the world how strong she is- and that strong persona pushes her to take monumental risks- to spite herself- to do herself damage- she aches to be stable but cannot stop shouting against her pain to A woman who knows that she can have true security, really can give her trust, and is coming together, to become what she should have been all along.
– Main Conflict: Roy Time is limited- can’t get a place without money and can’t get money without his place- Kim won’t go along so what’s the point of going on anyway? But he’s got to convincer her because her goal is wrong.
2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story. and list it.
Opening
1) Roy waits for hours outdoors for his girl, Suzy, to calm down/his girl has moved out.
2) Roy enters the empty house – drinks from his stashed booze bottles, and sleeps in a hallway.
3) Landlord & cleaning crew arrive/Roy hides in the bathroom, gathers hidden hand tools, escapes out of the window and jacks the cleaning crew’s van, which he deliberately smashes into a WAWA to get a free bed (aka jail) He’s arrested.
4) In jail he protects a teen from the thugs in the cell. They find the food rancid, and together smash it all over the floor and slide around.
5) Fearful that he’ll be forced to eat it anyway, and knowing that the thugs who share the cell will pummel him, he stuffs the food into the toilet and clogs it.
6) In the hospital, in traction- his ex, Suzy, who’s a nurse finds him. Her first line is: “There’s the guy who owes me $1500.” She makes sure that the person who’ll bathe Roy isn’t gentle, but on the other hand she hooks him up with a pro-bono lawyer.
Inciting Incident(s) for Roy and Kim Sequence While: Kim is in the hospital recovering from a bullet wound. She and Roy meet in the hallway. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>It’s kismet. Roy decides to stay as long as possible.
7) Roy seeks Kim and overhears Kim in an argument with her father (a high-up muckety muck in the city) and her father’s wife. They argue that they will deny Kim’s claim that they shot her, and tell everyone that it was self-inflicted, and get her locked up. Kim is paralyzed with fear <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>and anger. They have done this before.
Roy interferes by saying that he and Kim are required in physical therapy. He grabs her clothes and whisks her out. Kim slips away and heads to a restroom. Roy waits a bit, but when the parents storm out of the room, he diverts them to the OR, stating that Kim collapsed and they wheeled her out. They follow his directions.
8) Kim slips out of the restroom, fully dressed, grabs someone’s keys from the nurse’s station and takes off.
9) Later, Roy looks for Kim but she is gone. Instead, he’s confronted by his ex, Suzy, whose keys were stolen. She searches his room, but he’s clearly unaware of the circumstances. She tells Roy that she’s hooked him up with a lawyer to help him settle his debts- including the $1500. he owes her.
10) The court learns that Roy declared himself dead and therefore, he hasn’t been collecting his SSI, Veteran’s benefits and Medal of Honor pay boost. The amount is significant. The lawyer has somehow miraculously figured out how to correct that situation- but Roy is indigent, and if he wants to ‘stay alive’ he has to get a bank account and to do that- a permanent address. His bills for the van, wawa, hospital and to his ex are paid- but future benefits come with the bank/home criteria. He’s also told that his body cannot take the rough life for much longer. Nonetheless, they are asking him to change who he is- his whole way of being- his identity. That’s a hard nut to swallow. He’s wheeled back to the hospital, where he looks for Kim but she’s gone.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>End of first 10 pages
11) Kim parks the ex’s Suzy’s car in a garage, and heads into a boutique. She chats with an older woman in the next changing booth-Marilyn- advising on style, etc- and grabs clothes for her some of which she keeps for herself by slipping them under her street clothes. She also swaps the woman’s car-park ticket with her own.
12) Kim gets the really nice car and finds good things including a gym pass all of which she takes.
13) The lady in the dressing room, Marilyn, goes to the car park and gets Suzy’s car instead. She worries that her pets are home and need to be cared for. Instead, police are called to file a report and she is greatly delayed.
14) Kim is in a fancy gym/club, sitting by the swimming pool talking loudly to herself.
15) Roy’s ex, Suzy, gets a call that her car was found. Roy’s still in hospital garb and smiles sweetly.
16) The lady, Marilyn, finally gets home to her townhouse and her pets are frantic. One trips her so she breaks a hip. While waiting for an ambulance, she calls a neighbor to pet sit but she <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>worries about the reliability of the kid.
17.) Kim goes to Marilyn’s car in the gym parking lot and drives it back to the car park where she stole it and walks away. She enters the stage entrance of a theatre and finds a good place to hide in the dressing rooms for the night. Later, when the theatre is empty she indulges in the snack bar food and booze.
18) Roy is released from the hospital with a reminder to get a bank account/permanent place by 6 weeks time. A box of hot baguettes delivered to the Bellevue hotel catch his eye. He grabs one before anyone notices. Clean and in the suit given to him for court, he wanders into the Bellevue hotel and finds his way to an unused apron-type balcony overlooking one of the meeting rooms.
Excellent. He gets to listen to the meetings, and later, after everyone leaves, to grab food from the break tables set along the walls. He even gets a couple of bottles of open wine. High times.
19) Kim: The theatre is ‘dark’ as in no shows, so Kim is having a blast dressing in costumes and reading scripts aloud on the stage- acting all of the parts. When people enter a couple of days later, she makes a hasty retreat- still wearing an Edwardian costume and grabbing her street clothes.
Cut back and forth between their actions.
20) Roy goes to a bank but can’t get an account.
21) Kim takes a bus to a neighborhood at the edge of city park. There’s a cabin near a cliff. She yanks out all of the flowers around the cabin. She smashes a window. Then she gets on a bus and heads back to center city.
22) Roy tries to secure an apartment but without money to deposit he’s rejected. When the rental agent leaves, he sneaks in and grabs the firehose, makes a noose and hangs it outside over the entrance.
End of Act 1
Act II Roy and Kim together
23) Roy returns to the Bellevue to his balcony.
24) The older lady, Marilyn, now in the hospital is taken care of by Roy’s ex., Suzy. Marilyn can’t get info about her pets and is worried sick. Suzy suggests that Roy might be a mooch, but when it comes to animals, he would do great. Let him pet sit. He’s trustworthy. Marilyn says she’d consider giving him a one-day trial but she needs to meet him.
25) Kim wanders into the Bellevue and sneaks into a suite when housekeeping exits. When she leaves the suite, she rigs the door to be able to re-open it.
26) Roy gets a lovely plate of food from Sunday brunch and heads to a stairwell to enjoy it. He finds Kim in the same stairwell eating and they connect. They compare food choices and he gallantly offers her a napkin, etc. Afterwards, Kim invites Roy to her suite. It’s riskier than the balcony, but a lot more comfortable. Plus, there’s a mini bar. They share stories but are platonic.
27) Roy and Kim brainstorm places to mooch/freeload and try to outdo each other. They make a list of pros and cons and then a bucket list for the two of them: a spin the bottle game. This is an emotional breakthrough. Neither of them has had this kind of buddy- ever or maybe as a child. Kim calls for room service for the room across the hall. When the people from across the hall leave she catches the door and stays there until room service arrives. Then she rolls it back to her suite and she and Roy have another feast. Later, lux baths and they sleep in beautiful beds.
28) They can’t stay anywhere too long, though. They head on a ‘free’ casino bus to Atlantic city. On the way, they <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>stop at an animal refuge where Kim has volunteered. Here she learns what a softie Roy is for animals. They beg a meal, and a night’s stay, and the next day get a ride to Atlantic City.
29) Marilyn is still in the hospital and Suzy, unable to get ahold of Roy, pet sits for Marilyn until she can figure something else out. The townhouse is close by, anyway, and Suzy lives alone so it’s OK for the moment.
30) Roy and Kim are in Atlantic City and go to a carnival there. It’s a blast. They sneak onto rides, into fun houses and steal food. But when Roy sees a family- something about them <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>triggers him to melt down- PTSD– he’s distraught. He goes wild, jumps onto a stage, drags Kim onto the stage with him- it’s a horrific scene. People haul him off and drag him into a holding room- where Kim stays with him and sings to him, whispers to him, calms him. He reveals part of his past. She tells him that she knows he’s a good man. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kim shows Roy love that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings him joy and with her, Roy later comes to believe that they can take on the world. She helps but also triggers these things, and she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. His facing the past, his fear and abject self loathing resonates with Kim so she disappears when it <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>gets too close to her own trauma for comfort. When police arrive, she talks to them outside of the room, and then when she convinces them that he’s OK, and she leaves.
31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. Finally, he catches the casino bus back to CC, and intends to go back to the Bellevue balcony. On the way there, he sees Suzy, who’s anxious to release herself from pet sitting, so she takes him to meet Marilyn.
32) They hit it off.
33) The next day, Kim, having slept in a meeting room closet in AC, tries to find Roy on his balcony but <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>he’s no longer there.
Act II mid-point sequence Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past.
TO BE CONTINUED
3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go through that will cause him or her to face the change they need to make.
Emotional moments are in bold through the list.
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June Fortunato’s NQ 3 (Dilemma) and 4 (Theme)
5. Above your work, answer the question “What I’ve learned doing this assignment is… Except
for getting to know fellow writers, which was good, the review of each others works in the
feedback week was a serious blow for momentum. We asked each other to review our works
based on one-line statements- and therefore it was difficult to fully comprehend each others
concepts. 2. Putting ideas together, my scene list is currently inconsistent but it’s in the
development stage and that’s OK with me right now.
Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.
1. Tell us your concept.
Once you stop running, everything catches up with you.
2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions:
Roy is torn between running with Kim- his true soul mate who makes him feel alive- and
knowing that he can only survive if he stops running- and she refuses to stop.
A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?
First turn- Roy and Kim are having a great time- his past gets triggered, and he freaks out- Kim
talks him down and he starts to realize that he needs her- she’s what was missing in his life. He
starts to feel that life isn’t worth living without her.
B. How are both sides of the issue built up?
The longer they skate around without a place, the closer he is to losing his chance at his
money/an easy life. The more things they do together, the more memories they share. The closer
they get, the more freaked out Kim gets and pulls away. He comes to believe that if Kim forgives
him as a proxy for those he wronged, that he will somehow come to heal.
C. When does the protagonist make the choice?
Mid point Roy knows that she will never fully forgive her past, nor will she stop running. He has
begged her. He must leave her to save himself. But then, life isn’t worth much without her. He
searches for her. They find each other again. Yet again, he’s faced with his terrible choice, and
clock has one day left before it runs out. He decides to commit suicide. Kim rescues him from
the brink.
D. What do they lose in making that choice?
Lives of escaping by running and living on the edge. They have to face the grave mistakes of the
past, forgive, and learn to accept being worthy of breathing. They have to embrace all the
wrongs, give in, and learn to rise to their feet.
3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions:
Forgiveness is ongoing. Denial.
Loneliness.
Belief, acceptance.
Trust. Safety/security.
A. What are both sides of your theme?
Forgiveness/denial
Loneliness/trust & security
Rejection/belief
Roy can never forgive himself for what he did.
Kim can never forgive what was done to her.
B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?
Roy melts down. He keeps running. He doesn’t feel worthy to love anyone.
Kim runs whenever Roy gets too close. She is afraid to trust and believe in his love.
And yet Kim sees in him the guilt that she wishes her family felt. She feels in Roy the innocence
that she buried long ago. With him, she can bring back the goofy kid she lost long ago. With
Roy, she’s afraid to feel safe, and yet, safe slips in like a warm bath.
Kim forgives him and lets him know that he’s a good man. But she needs something big to get
rid of her demons. His asking for forgiveness cannot kill off the demons that tear at Kim.
Kim shows Roy love that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings him joy and with her, Roy
comes to believe that they can take on the world. And she comes to believe it, too.
C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?
Roy begs Kim to give him a chance at life. He says that he will try, every day, to forgive himself.
He promises to be patient and accept her in every way.
He blows up her family cabin to help her blow up the family guilt and his own.
They both weep cathartically at the sight.
4. In the current version of your outline, fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process.
List out your outline as you did in Day 7, with slug lines and the essence for each scene.
1. Logline
Retirement Crazyass supermoocher has to get a permanent address or lose his SSI benes when he
meets superior super moocher, Kim who plays the same game and who steals his heart. He can’t
live without her, she won’t stop running, and after a lot of wild rides and lonely desperation, Roy
figures out a way to have his place and his woman, too.
2. Genre
Love/Buddy
4. Protagonist Character Arc:
A) Part to be changed: After a shit childhood, and retaliating by killing the enemy in a war,
Roy feels he can never deserve a comfortable life- that he was always worthless, and can’t
accept what he did, despite the fact that he got a medal of honor for saving his comrades.
B) Biggest Fear: If he stops running, he’ll be caught up by his demons and haunted by the
souls of those he snuffed out.
C) Completion of arc: Kim’s love has helped him to feel worthy of living an easier life.
OPENING
EXT: COTTAGE – EVENING
Roy waits outside for his girl- a nurse- to get happier. After many hours, he realizes that ooops,
she is- because she moved out and the house is empty.
INT. COTTAGE – CONTINUOUS
Roy pulls whatever’s left in the apartment together and sleeps in a hallway to stay warm.
INT. COTTAGE – DAWN
Outside, a landlord opens the door and Roy escapes into the bathroom. The landlord brings in a
cleaning crew- so Roy escapes through the window, jacks the van and runs it into a WAWA.
INT. JAIL CELL- AFTERNOON
Roy is surrounded by other arrested men and there’s a teen there, too. They get a meal, but it’s so
rotten that he and the boy smash the food all over the floor and slide in it.
Realizing that they might be forced to eat it, and calculating that a hospital has better food and
beds anyway, Roy clogs the toilet with the food and gets beaten to a pulp by the other guys in the
cell.
Inciting incident: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- MORNING
Roy is in traction. He nearly died. His ex girlfriend- a nurse, walks in. She makes sure that he
gets manhandled when he’s washed, etc. but cuts him a break by finding a pro-bono lawyer for
him. When Roy is able to hobble around, he passes Kim, another patient in the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL Kim, recovering from a bullet wound and expected to go to court, grabs keys
from the nurse’s station, finds the car to which they belong, and takes off with it. They are Roy’s
ex-girlfriend’s keys.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – FANCY BOUTIQUE
Kim hides a gorgeous bathing suit under her clothes while she chats up a lady in the next
changing booth and swaps the lady’s valet pass for her own.
INT. CAR – DAY
Kim finds a bunch of good things in the car, including a gym pass.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – AFTERNOON
The lady in the dressing room discovers that instead of her nice car, a beater shows up.
INT. HOSPITAL- NURSE’S STATION- Ex gets a call from the police that her car was found.
2022 0223 after the chit chat week lessons resume this is so called day 10 or real 33
9
Ex girl storms into Roy’s hospital room, but he’s still there, in traction- and he flirts with her.
INT. COURTROOM: The pro bono lawyer discovers that Roy has a chunk of uncollected
money from SSI, Veterans and in fact, a monthly pay boost from the Vets because he received an
uncollected Medal of Honor. The money pays for his court, damages and hospital costs, but he
must find a permanent place to live or lose his ongoing claim to benefits. He has one month.
INT. SPORTING CLUB SWIMMING POOL: Kim loudly speaks to herself while crashing the
swimming pool and club to bathe.
EXT. COURTHOUSE- CONTINUOUS
Roy exits the courthouse, physically crumpled, and the lawyer gives Roy a few bucks. Kim,
glowing, exits the club and sees him across the street.
EXT. SPORTING CLUB STREET- Kim crosses the street and asks him for a cigarette. He
recognizes her. He invites her to the VOUS, a cheap bar near there.
INT. VOUS- EVENING
They eat sloppy food and have drinks. She gets up to go to the ladies room and disappears. He
waits there until the place closes, then goes to the ladies room. He hides to spend the night.
INT. VOUS- NIGHT
After the crew leaves, Roy re-emerges, sets up tables to sleep on and gives himself a bottle to
cuddle.
3. First 10 pages: Roy squats from place to place, visits several apartment buildings, but can’t
find a permanent address.
EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- EARLY MORNING
Having grabbed a loaf of bread newly delivered to a restaurant – he stares up at the Bellevue
hotel.
CROSS CUTS BETWEEN ROY’S LIFE AND KIM’S LIFE of squatting in places, stealing food,
stealing clothing. They cross paths at a distance.
EXT. PARKING LOT – EVENING Detectives find the lady from the boutique’s car. Cash has
been taken, but the doors were locked and the car, safely parked in a lot.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING INDUSTRIAL AREA
Agent tells Roy that he has to have first and last month’s rent and no, doesn’t matter if he’s a vet no
pre-credit extended. After the guy walks away, Roy re-enters the building and finds a way to
crash that apartment anyway.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
Kim’s visit to look at her family cabin near a cliff are in this beat. She contemplates suicide or
violence and catcalls an onlooker.
4. First turn end of Act 1:
INT. 4 STAR HOTEL STAIRWELL
Roy has been enjoying an unused balcony at the Bellevue hotel, the food is terrific, bathrooms,
and even ‘free’ jackets of wait staff. He has a huge plate of shrimp and wonderful brunch foods,
and finds Kim in the stairwell, similarly eating well. Bonding. He charms her.
INT. 4 STAR HOTEL. SUITE
Kim ushers Roy to her pad: a suite in the hotel that Kim has been crashing. Very plush. What a
gas! Kim somehow has access to richer, better places. (No wonder Roy thinks that she’s
‘very classy’)
SCENE OF SERIES of Roy and Kim and the various places they crash, rides they steal, etc.
They begin to bond & run together. A blast!
The arc of the scenes is: sunshine, then very dark, then sunshine again.
EXT. TOWNHOME- DAY
Kim lands a house sitter job- Roy is smitten by how clever Kim is. The woman who owns
the house is in the hospital for an undetermined length, and they pet sit and live the lifefood,
booze, pets! shelter, heat, even media access. Even access to her car. Bliss.
EXT. CARNIVAL- AFTERNOON
At one point, at a carnival the sight of a family on a picnic pushes Roy’s guilt button and he’s
distraught. He goes wild jumps onto a stage- fake six shooters and spurs and chaps- wild
Roy- and he pulls Kim onto the stage- she hates it- It’s a horrific scene. He melts down.
Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past. Kim, so
close, calms him. She forgives him and lets him know that with her- he’s a good man. But she
needs something big to get rid of her demons. His ask for forgiveness cannot kill off the demons
that tear at her.
Kim shows Roy love that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings him joy and with her, Roy
comes to believe that they can take on the world. She helps but also triggers these things, and
she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. His facing the past, his fear and abject self loathing
resonates with Kim so she disappears when it gets too close to her own trauma for
comfort.
EXT. KIM ON A STREET- NIGHT
But after a bad night alone, she comes back to the housesit, and Roy is there.
5. Mid point sequence: Roy and Kim visit the hospitalized owner of the house-sit to keep
her up to date on the pets and home. They sneak the lady’s pets in to see her, This thrills
the lady no end. She bonds with Roy and Kim this is the beginning of her trust in them.
She’s taken with them as a couple. Her encouragement leads Roy think that maybe he really
can have joy.
On a thrilling adventure, Roy lets slip that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her
but his time is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly refuses. Heartbroken,
that’s why he has to leave. Heartbroken, she goes on a scam bender. She stays with the pet
sit. He must find another place.
EXT. FILM SET Roy weasels his way onto a film set and works as a Pyro Technician. The crew
think he’s one of them. He sleeps in the honeywagon, eats the food, gets clothes from the
costumer and actually earns his way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are pissed
off. His supervisor and pals who like him, give him some cash but he must leave. On his way
out, he sets pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
Xcut
6. Second turn-end of act 2: Roy longs for Kim. He still hasn’t found a permanent place of his
own,
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY
When Roy discovers Kim shoplifting, he’s thrilled. She shows him how to do it- They have
more escapades, but she can’t face her demons, so
INT. TOWNHOUSE -NIGHT
She leaves in the night. And he is now at the pet sit alone. His heart is broken all over again but
he suspects that she doesn’t want to do this life without him, either.
INT. HOSPITAL- DAY
They rediscover each other at the hospital, when they each go independently to visit the lady.
They start meeting there daily. More visits with the lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets
in. On alternate days, a different person has the pets.
The lady makes a deal that if they promise to stay together, she’ll consider leaving her house and
pets to them in her will. She doesn’t want the government or her nasty nephew and niece in law
to take her house anyway.
While at the hospital, the staff tells them that the lady is being moved to hospice. The nurses in
hospice discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives.
INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT
On a lark, the two crash the hotel suite because, well, having a permanent place is so unsexy for
Kim. They’ve snuck the pets in, too. At one point, they grab food, also for the pets, bottles of
champagne- etc.
While Roy is scouting food, Kim finds Roy’s medal of honor tucked into an old towel,
and learns that Roy saved his fellow soldiers in war.
Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life; why he acts this way. It’s because,
finally, despite the fact that Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart. But she won’t
commit, and slips away once again. The hotel just isn’t fun without her.
EXT. TOWNHOUSE – NIGHT
When he gets to the townhouse, he’s locked out. The woman’s niece in law has taken over
ownership. Roy and Kim have somehow lost the pet sit house.
2022 0223 after the chit chat week lessons resume this is so called day 10 or real 33
12
Second turn-end of act 2: ROY finds Kim in the lady’s car and joins her there. They go around
for the day, but, she just can’t face her demons, and abandons him in a park.
7. Crisis: The clock is nearly run out. Roy has lost everything. Roy can’t find a place, can’t find
Kim and can’t figure it out alone anymore. Without Kim, too, life is not worth breathing. He
decides to follow a plan they discussed, and jump to his death near her family’s cliffside cabin.
8. Climax:
EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
ROY is at the cliff. He is about to jump, and Kim appears. Instead of doing a “Thelma and
Louise”, when Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide she finally tells her truth. He convinces
Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.
Fiercely empathetic, Roy, a pyro guy, blows up the cabin on the cliff which houses the dark
events of Kim’s past and his own. They both weep cathartically at the sight.
Roy begs Kim to give him a chance at life. He says that he will try, every day, to forgive himself.
He promises to be patient and accept her in every way.
Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy promises an
exciting and mischievous life for Kim and begs her to share his life.
9. Resolution:
INT. COURTROOM- DAY
Roy and Kim win the legal right to the housesit and put their names on the address. The lady
from the hospice is there.
INT. HOSPICE- DAY
Back at the hospice, they promise the lady that they will take care of her pet babies and home.
Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of smooching. He will pre-pay
everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people and she suspends her
disbelief to play the life game with him. They visit the lady throughout her last days.
The lady feels so good on some days, that she thinks she may even move back to the house
and live with them. Which, in the last seconds of the film, makes Roy and Kim look at each
other and you know what they’re thinking: “Uh Oh. Gotta go.”
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June Fortunato’s Day 9: Plotting and Outlining NQ 1 & 2
ASSIGNMENT 2022 0222
What I learned doing this exercise: What a brilliant way to fill in scenes, and to place them in the right spots before writing everything. I love this!
1. Tell us your concept.
Love Genre When crazy ass, super moocher Roy, 65+ almost dies in a car crash, he learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits waiting- but only when he has a permanent address by a determined date. His life could be easier- until he meets Kim, a woman in her 60s, who plays exactly the same moocher game. Together, they crash in the craziest places- often clash and separate only to seek each other out again- and being crazy together- they’ve never had so much fun. The joy also sparks buried pasts, sometimes too much to bear. Kim refuses to settle down, and at the end of his time limit Roy considers suicide, but Kim finds him. Roy promises to give Kim the excitement she needs and together, they find a permanent place to live.
2. Tell us your Dramatic Question and the answers to these questions: Will Roy find a permanent place to rest, and will he convince Kim to do that with him?
A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how? He is in court, charged with reckless endangerment, property damage, and medical billsand his lawyer has discovered that he can pay- with all of the money owed to him from Vets, SSI and Medal of Honor pay boost. This is when he learns that he has a limited amount of time to get a permanent pad to continue his claim. He also learns that his body is falling apart and that he can’t continue his lifestyle for much longer.
B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity? When Roy meets Kim, she delays his pursuit and then leaves him anyway- breaking his heart and his chance at an easier lifestyle. But now he’s enthralled with her. He has got to convince her to settle down with him – because he needs her and doesn’t want to go it alone. Plus, she’s fun and being with her is what life is about – so will he settle down before he loses his claim, and if not, how much longer can his body hold out?
C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered? It gets answered and he gets his permanent pad AND his woman when they take a pet/house sitter gig. The owner is in a hospital, and later moves to a hospice – and Roy and Kim take care of the house and the menagerie of pets. The woman falls in love with them as a couple and does not want her estate to go to the government, nor her pets abandoned, so she wills the house to them- but only if they stay together.
3. Tell us your Main Conflict and the answers to these questions:
Roy needs and wants to stop running, while Kim can’t bring herself to it. She has dark secrets that she refuses to talk about. Instead, whenever he gets close, she runs away from him.
A. When does the Main Conflict first show up? On first sight- in the hospital- she disappears. Midpoint of act two comes to a head.
B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?
Many. Kim dodges giving info, but brings Roy to a cliff with a cabin at the crest. To get Kim to let go- Roy has to find a way to blow up her past for her. They’re doing something thrilling- and Roy says that they should do this for the rest of their lives- so Kim runs. Roy follows, and promises that he just wants to be with her and that she doesn’t ever have to tell him her secrets. They’re working as house & pet sitters and sneak the pets into the hospital room to visit the owner. When the woman implies that she might leave her place to them if they stay together and take care of her pet-babies- Kim disappears- Sometimes Roy thinks that Kim has disappeared again, but she comes back with stolen bread or a sleeping bag or something cool for the road. The woman in the hospital’s nasty sister decides to take the house, but she’s neglectful of the pets and narcissistic. Roy tells the sick woman, who tries to convince Kim to stay with him.
C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act? Time is running out. He loses his money the following day. His body can’t go on in the road anymore. He can’t be alone anymore, either. The lady of the pet-sit house is dying and they will lose the house if they don’t claim it. The pets are taken away. They have to get them back, but the deal is- they have to both do it together.
D. How is the Main Conflict resolved? Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide and finally tells her truth. Fiercely empathetic, pyro-guy Roy blows up the cliffside cabin of her dark past. Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people. He has convinced the woman that they will take care of her pets and home. They get the pets back and win the house and the owner says that even if she survives, they’ll live with her. The last look says that Roy and Kim might take off if this occurs.
4. In the current version of your outline, fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process.
The 9 beats:
1. Opening: Roy is dumped again, steals a van, deliberately crashes it, lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the hospital, who’s recovering from a bullet wound. He’s sparked by her, she knows it, and therefore takes off before he can get close. Kim’s interested in Roy, which is only one of the reasons she takes off so quickly.
2. Inciting incident: In court, Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a permanent pad by a certain date to get his money or his claim will expire. Also, his body can’t do this homelessness for much longer. He has liver disease. 2a: Kim is deliberately skipping a court date for her gunshot would. On the way out of the hospital, she steals a car, a bathing suit and then another car and she’s on the run.
3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and he can’t get his money without a place. He doesn’t like to work but slides in on a film set as a pyro tech- eating, sleeping in the honey wagon and sometimes crashing with new pals- until payday, when the union bosses discover that he doesn’t work there at all and refuse to pay him. He leaves them an explosion they won’t forget. Crosscuts between Roy’s life and Kim’s life- both crash places. They cross paths at a distance. Kim’s visit to look at the cabin and the cliff are established in this beat. She contemplates suicide. Nonetheless, she really knows the swank places to crash and eat for free. Her mother sees her at a distance and ignores her. Recurring image of Kim’s cliff. Roy somehow always finds her again at the cliff.
4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other again and he charms her. They begin to bond & run together. A blast! The arc of the scenes is: sunshine, then very dark, then sunshine again. Kim lands a house/pet sitter job- Roy is smitten by how clever Kim is. The woman who owns the house is in the hospital for an undetermined length, and they pet sit and live the life- food, booze, pets! shelter, heat, even media access. Bliss. At one point, in an amusement park, the sight of a family on a picnic pushes Roy’s huge loss/guilt button and he’s distraught. He goes wild jumps onto a stage- fake six shooters and spurs and chaps- wild Roy- and he pulls Kim onto the stage- she hates it- It’s a horrific scene. He melts down. Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past. Kim, so close, eases his pain but also triggers these things, and she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. His facing the past, his fear and abject self-loathing resonates with Kim so she disappears too close for comfort. But after a bad night in a broken down school bus, she comes back.
5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves Kim to save himself. Roy and Kim visit the hospitalized owner of the house-sit to keep her up to date on the pets and home. They sneak the lady’s pets in to see her, This thrills the lady no end. She bonds with Roy and Kim this is the beginning of her trust in them. She’s taken with them as a couple. Her encouragement leads Roy think that maybe he really can have joy. He feels in his heart that they are meant to be together. On a thrilling adventure, Roy lets slip that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his time of being on the streets is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly refuses. Heartbroken, that’s why he has to leave. Heartbroken, Kim goes on a bender and breaks into the cliffside cabin, trashing it.
6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves. The rediscover each other when they each, unknowingly visit the lady with the pets. More visits with the lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets in. The lady is upset that the perfect couple, and perfect pet sitters aren’t together anymore. She makes a deal that if they promise to stay together, she’ll consider leaving her house and pets to them in her will. While at the hospital, the staff tells Roy and Kim that the lady is being moved to hospice. The nurses in hospice discourage pets for ulterior motives: it lengthens people’s lives. Kim sees Roy’s medal of honor tucked into an old towel, and learns that Roy saved his guy in the war. Roy finally gives up his past- he also learned that he killed villagers- something that he can’t live with- and that’s why he lives this life, why he acts this way. He tells her because, finally, despite the fact that Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart.
7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide. Time is running out. Kim will not commit. He loses the girl and his pad. He goes to the cliffside- (a recurring motif and location.)
8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and Kim appears. Kim has come to rescue him. They both want to blow up their pasts. Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide and finally tells her truth. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin of her dark past. Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past. Instead of jumping off the cliff, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.
9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, – and Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching. and lots of smooching. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people. He has convinced the woman that they will take care of her pets and her home. They get the pets back and win the house.
Finding home. Being home. Landing. Trust. Fear of facing oneself. Fear of stopping. and then having it ripped away from you. Courage. Fear of feeling so comfortable
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June Fortunato’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
Of the screenplay, “Retirement”
1. What I learned doing this assignment is….I discovered a great ending. I gave in to the
plot/structure of love which is appropriate because today is Valentine’s day…I discovered details
of both Roy’s and Kim’s pasts and how they differ. I discovered how they fix things together. I
went back to an earlier idea of solving the end, but incorporated ideas I’d worked on. Good
session!
Answers from previous assignment (First pass, day 10) which I inadvertently overlooked:
Protagonist Character Arc
Roy goes from abject fear of giving in to hope and trust – to learning how to trust, love and hope
for the first time since he was a young child.
Part to be changed
Belief that a good life is possible, even for the wounded; guilty souls.
Roy’s Biggest fear:
Abject terror of facing his past in the war- coming to terms and acceptance when he feels that he
has no right to live easily- he has no right to love- And he’s terrified that if he gives in to love,
he’ll spin off into crazy land and lose control. Same for love- if he really gives in to love, he’s
terrified that once again, it’ll be his fault if she dies- he fears that his love will burn her and him
as well.
Completion of arc:
In her, he sees himself – another survivor- and she convinces him that it is ok to
experience joy- that we are all vulnerable- and that we are all strong. Instead of suicide, he finds
help by helping this woman, and devotes his mooch knowledge to play at mooching to make her
happy.
Your Story Logic Web consists of the following components all woven together:
2. BEFORE: components of the story logic web
– Concept
Mooch is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to fall in love with another
moocher.
– Lead Characters
Roy, charming, endearing crazy-ass super moocher, cannot think to care about anyone
but himself – Kim in her own world, also a mooch machine, seems unaware of others including
sometimes, herself but when she comes to focus, she’s brilliant and a different, caring person.
She one step back from Roy’s completely hardened stance. Both a fun.
– Plot/Structure
2 Adventure
The 9 beats:
1. Opening: Roy is dumped again & lands in the hospital/almost dying. Roy meets Kim in the
hospital in passing.
2. Inciting incident: Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a permanent
pad to get his money by certain date.
10
3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and can’t get his money without a place.
Crosscuts between Roy’s life and Kim’s life.
4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other and begin to bond & run together.
5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves her.
6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves.
7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide.
8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim
that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.
9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, and Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend
mooching.
new:
Climax: Kim does not want to commit suicide. She goes to the cliff because she knows Roy will
be there. She’s afraid of facing her demons, but doesn’t want to go on without him. She knows
that she’s driven Roy to this, and knows that she can give him what will make him happy.
The cliff where they would both commit suicide is near the house that caused so much pain in
Kim’s life.
– Character Arc
Fear of self – of facing the past and of embracing the future
– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma
Kim doesn’t want to settle in.
Will Roy get his permanent pad in time to get his money?
Roy no longer wants to run and he no longer wants to be alone/half alive.
– Themes
Acceptance/rejection, (self-loathing) trust/fear of trust/betrayal, loneliness/fear of
commitment.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
4. AFTER:
Concept: Mooch (Roy) is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to love and feel loved by
Kim: fellow moocher, is haunted by her past but together, they help each other to blow up the
dark memories and learn to live.
Lead Characters: More development needed for Kim.
She’s crazy because her father abused and shot her. Her family has money. Scene list will
include her watching her family without them knowing.
Roy’s past: the reason he feels that he doesn’t deserve a good life is that during the war, he was a
pyro man. He blew up a group of Viet Cong, but discovered that he’d also murdered innocent
villagers. He was made a ‘hero’ for rescuing his comrades, but never forgave himself for the
innocent lives he took11
What Kim’s family owns is that cabin on the cliff. But Kim fears it, because that’s where her
father used to take her to beat her to a pulp and more, and that’s where he shot her.
Roy thought that she was pretending- how much about the fantasies she told are really real?
At the crisis, Roy sets pyro and the two blow up the house.
Plot number Theme is love, 14, not adventure.
The 9 beats:
1. Opening: Roy is dumped again & lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the
hospital in passing.
2. Inciting incident: Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a permanent
pad to get his money by certain date.
Kim steals a car and a bathing suit.
3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and can’t get his money without a place.
Crosscuts between Roy’s life and Kim’s life.
4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other and begin to bond & run together. A blast!
5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves her to save himself.
6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves.
7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide.
8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Kim has come to rescue him. They
both want to blow up their pasts.
Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past.
Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull
each other away from the brink.
9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, through house sitters- and Roy keeps Kim’s
life happy with pretend mooching.
– Character Arc
Both Roy & Kim: Fear of self – of facing the past and of embracing the future
Roy: doesn’t feel worthy. Kim: cannot get over feeling betrayed.
– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma
Kim doesn’t want to stop running. Roy has to.
Will Roy get his permanent pad in time to get his money?
Roy no longer wants to run and he no longer wants to be alone/half alive.
– Themes
Acceptance/rejection, (self-loathing) trust/fear of trust/betrayal, loneliness/fear of
commitment. Belief & hope.
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Day 7 assignment Plot, character, structure outline
PS 81 June Fortunato 1st Pass of Outline
What I learned from doing this assignment is: It’s good to start and I discovered a more probable
place for them at the end, and an idea of the crosscutting style I’ll use.
1. Logline
Retirement
Charming Roy hates to work, but after his latest girlfriend (aka his free ride) dumps him, the
clever man will go to any length to find a more permanent person to take care of him- until he
meets an eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! and who plays the same game.
Together they crash in the craziest places and he falls in love with the tenderness inside of her
that allows him to heal. In the end, they luck into a perfect, permanent pad together
2. Plot/Plot Summary
Adventure (2)
but also bits of Rivalry, (8) Transformation, (12) and discovery (17)
When crazy ass, super moocher Roy gets dumped again (aka, his latest free ride) he’s got to
figure out a more permanent solution and maybe even have to straighten out his life- until he
meets Kim, a woman who plays exactly the same game. Together, they crash in the craziest
places- often clash and separate only to seek each other out- and being crazy together- they’ve
never had so much fun. Can’t stand each other, can’t be apart, they both come to a crisis and
decide to find a way together when Kim lands the perfect, permanent home for them.
3. Structure
Inciting incident: When Roy almost dies in a self-inflicted car crash, he also learns that he has
uncollected Veterans and SSI waiting but he must have a permanent address. And there’s a time
limit for his claim to fulfil an easy life in retirement.
Page 10: Catch 22 Roy can’t find a permanent place without money and he can’t get his money
without a permanent place. It looks like he’ll drift for the rest of his life.
First turn: end of Act 1 Roy meets another equally skilled moocher, Kim, and the two have a
blast. He never dreamed he’d have someone to share his life.
Mid-point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle down in a permanent address. He’s torn between
having Kim=joy, and resting with a comfortable but dull life. He must, and so he leaves her.
Second turn-end of act 2: Roy longs for Kim. He still hasn’t found a permanent place, and when
he discovers her hidey place, he’s thrilled. They have more escapades, but she can’t face her
demons, so she leaves in the night. His heart is broken all over again but he suspects that she
doesn’t want to do this without him, either.
Crisis: Roy can’t find a place, can’t find Kim and can’t figure it out alone anymore. He decides to
follow a plan they discussed, and jump to his death.
Climax: When Roy arrives at the cliff, he finds Kim there, too. Instead of doing a “Thelma and
Louise”, Roy promises an exciting and mischievous life for Kim and begs her to share his life.
Resolution: After Kim lands the perfect, permanent pad (she had access all along), he gets his
money, and then prepays for everything. He pretends that they’re scamming restaurants and car
rentals and everything else and she suspends her disbelief to play the life game with him.
4. Protagonist Character Arc:
A) Part to be changed: After a shit childhood, and retaliating by killing the enemy in a war,
Roy feels he can never deserve a comfortable life- that he was always worthless, and can’t
accept what he did, despite the fact that he got a medal of honor for saving his comrades.
B) Biggest Fear: If he stops running, he’ll be caught up by his demons and haunted by the
souls of those he snuffed out.
C) Completion of arc: Kim’s love has helped him to feel worthy of living an easier life.
30 Day 7 assignment Plot, character, structure outline first pass due 2022 02 12
2
5. Plot in Structure
OPENING SCENE: Roy’s latest free ride (girlfriend) dumps him, he steals a van and deliberately
crashes it into a Wawa to get into jail.
INT. JAIL: He hates the food! so jail is not the answer. He stuffs the food into a toilet to clog it,
knowing that he’ll be beaten to a pulp by the other guys and have to go to the hospital.
Inciting incident: INT. HOSPITAL: Roy nearly dies. His ex is a nurse at the hospital and
arranges for a lawyer to represent him. When Roy is able to hobble around, he passes Kim,
another patient in the hallway.
INT. COURTROOM: The pro bono lawyer discovers that Roy has a chunk of uncollected
money from SSI, Veterans and in fact, a monthly pay boost from the Vets because he received an
uncollected Medal of Honor. The money pays for his court, damages and hospital costs, but he
must find a permanent place to live or lose his ongoing claim to benefits.
INT. HOSPITAL Kim grabs keys from the nurse’s station, finds the car to which they belong,
and takes off with it.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – FANCY BOUTIQUE
Kim hides a gorgeous bathing suit under her clothes while she chats up a lady in the next booth
and swaps the lady’s valet pass for her own.
EXT. SWIMMING POOL: Kim loudly speaks to herself while crashing a swimming pool to
bathe. Roy sees her there and recognizes her. They have an odd but enticing meeting.
Page 10: Roy squats from place to place, but can’t find a permanent address.
CROSS CUTS BETWEEN ROY’S LIFE AND KIM’S LIFE of squatting in places, stealing food,
stealing clothing. Detectives are after Kim, the car thief. Roy is trying to go legit but everybody
wants money up front.
First turn: INT. 4 STAR HOTEL STAIRWELL
Roy has been enjoying an unused balcony at the Bellevue hotel, the food is terrific, bathrooms,
and even ‘free’ jackets of wait staff. He has a huge plate of shrimp and wonderful brunch foods,
and finds Kim in the stairwell, similarly eating well. Bonding.
INT. 4 STAR HOTEL. SUITE
Kim and Roy in a suite that Kim has been crashing. Very plush. What a gas!
SCENE OF SERIES of Roy and Kim and the various places they crash, rides they steal, etc.
Mid-point: FRICTION: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle down with him and time is running out.
He leaves her.
EXT. FILM SET Roy weasels his way onto a film set and works as a Pyro Technician. The crew
think he’s one of them. He sleeps in the honeywagon, eats the food, gets clothes from the
costumer and actually earns his way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are pissed
off. His supervisor and pals who like him, give him some cash but he must leave. On his way
out, he sets pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
Xcut
KIM’s life. Kim somehow has access to richer, better places. (No wonder Roy thinks that she’s
‘very classy’)
Second turn-end of act 2: ROY AND KIM discover each other again. They go around for the
day, but, she just can’t face her demons, although also heartbroken, she leaves him before he
wakes.
Crisis: ROY: With the loss of his money immanent, and still unable to find his permanent place,
and now without Kim, too, life is not worth breathing. He goes to a cliff that he and Kim
discussed to commit suicide.
Climax: ROY is at the cliff, and Kim is there, too. Instead of jumping, Roy promises to keep
Kim happy. He has a plan.
30 Day 7 assignment Plot, character, structure outline first pass due 2022 02 12
3
Resolution: Kim has access to a permanent pad from her family. Roy gets his money and his girl.
Roy keeps it exciting by prepaying all the bills and Kim suspends her disbelief to feel that she’s
still scamming.
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Subject: (June Fortunato) Favorite Movie Outline (a similar style of movie)
5. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” While the structure of
When Harry Met Sally is not the same as my work, nor is it of the same era/writing style, the
tone is similar. The on again, off again plot is the reason I studied this movie. It’s always a
helpful exercise to analyze movies.
Dramatic Question: When will these two realize they were meant to be together and will they.
Main Conflict: They’re so honest with each other that they feel they can’t be in a
boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. They’re committed to be best buddies.
Dilemma: Both are so attached to each other that they resent when others are interested (in the
other) and yet they feel that if they get together as a romantic couple they’ll ruin everything.
Theme: What is real love? and Companionship.
Essence: Harry and Sally become best friends after they decide that a woman and man can
actually be friends without the complication of sexual drive getting in the way. They share
everything. Finally, they do have sex and break it off, only to realize that they dearly love each
other, have known each other for 11 years, and they get married.
6. Add the subject line to the top and post your assignment on the ProSeries 50 forums at
http://Screenwriting…orums/index.php
Deadline: 48 hours
and put that at the top of the page.
—————————-
When Harry Met Sally Scene Outline
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
An older couple, ala “Modern Family” style. How they met & decided to get married.
EXT. U OF CHICAGO CAMPUS – DAY
TEN YEARS AGO
HARRY and AMANDA kiss, lovey dovey goodbye. SALLY, Amanda’s friend, drives up to pick
up Harry- they’re carsharing a trip back home.
EXT. CHICAGO STREET – DAY
The freeway is up ahead.
INT. CAR – DAY
Awkward start. 18 hours drive ahead. Sally has everything scheduled, Harry, more casual, asks
Sally the story of her life and questions “what if none of it” ever happens. Who is this guy Sally
is stuck with for 18 hours???
INT. CAR -TRAVELING SHOT – DAY
They banter about how Sally’s a happy person and Harry plans for death, so Sally states that the
fact that he has a law degree is good because he can do wills and explain to people that they’re
going to die.
INT. CAR – DAY
Pretty scenery as the car moves along. Sally calls “time” they pull over, Harry takes the wheel.
EXT. CAR- HIGHWAY – LATE AFTERNOON
Differing relationship -man/woman -opinions on why Bogart puts Ingrid on the plane at the end
of Casablanca while they head to a diner. Harry thinks Ingrid should’ve stayed for the great sex,
Sally believes that being the first lady of Czechoslovakia is the right thing to do.
INT. DINER
Harry questions if Sally’s ever had great sex and Harry wants to know who with- and makes fun
of the guy’s name, “What is a Sheldon?- an accountant, a endodontist.” Sally very complex
explanations for her order. Sheldon and Sally broke up because her day of the week underwear
didn’t have Sunday. They discuss their number of sexual partners.
INT. DINER
Finishing meal, Sally precise about what they owe. When Harry tells Sally that she’s attractive,
she protests because he’s “coming on to her” and that Amanda is her friend. She says to let it lie,
he asks if she wants to spend the night in a motel, Sally states that they’re JUST GOING TO BE
FRIENDS..
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Harry states that they can NEVER BE FRIENDS. The sex part always gets in the way and
dooms a friendship.
EXT. NEW YORK SKYLINE – DAWN
GW Bridge on a beautiful day.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET CORNER – DAY
Goodbye, have a nice life.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Another older couple on a love seat & high school sweethearts. He’d moved away- 34 years later
they ran into each other and stayed together since.
INT. LA GUARDIA AIRPORT – DAY
FIVE YEARS LATER
Sally kisses JOE goodbye at airport Harry walks by and peers at them, then unexpectedly, says hi
to Joe. He remembers Sally’s face but doesn’t remember who she is.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
In flight, Harry switches seats with a man and Harry and Sally remember their long ride together.
Harry’s getting married, Sally’s astonished and he explains that he got tired of the dating thing in
a really funny, jaded way.
EXT. NATIONAL AIRPORT (DC) – DAY
The plane lands.
INT. NATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY
Harry asks Sally if she’d like to join him for dinner but in a convoluted reasoning, realizes that
even if you’re attached a man and a woman can’t be just friends.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Older couple loveseat- they were married and divorced. He married a few different women,
serially, then they got married again 45 years later.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET – DAY
FIVE YEARS LATER
Sally walks.
EXT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT WITH VIEW- DAY
Sally enters, joins two friends, MARIE (losing 2 year affair with a married man) and ALICE
(married). Sally states that she and Joe broke up. Marie, rolodex, tries to convince Sally that the
right man might be out there and she’d better grab him before he marries someone else or dies.
EXT. SHEA STADIUM – DAY
Harry and his male friend, JESS. Harry’s wife wants out of the marriage & moves in with
someone else. He’s crushed.
INT. SHAKESPEARE & CO. – DAY
Marie (still having an affair with a married man) and Sally in a bookstore. Harry is there, peering
at Sally. Marie quotes a movie that has the plot: when you hate a man you fall madly in love with
him. Marie leaves them alone. They learn that both of their relationships are done.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Sally’s in denial that she’s crushed about her breakup with Joe.
EXT. 77TH STREET WALK – DUSK
Harry and Sally decide that they like each other. They decide that they can be friends.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Older couple. Man states what his wife wore at their wedding.
INT. HARRY’S OFFICE – DAY
He calls Sally. You sleeping? They watch Casablanca together/simultaneously.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Harry and Sally on phone as he hangs a picture. Another discussion of Casablanca.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Harry, sick, and Sally speak on the phone.
Montage:
Sally in office, Sally shopping, Sally tap dancing, Sally grocery shopping, Sally fixing
dinner.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT & INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT
They talk on the phone while she cooks and they both watch ESPN.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
Harry and Sally. Harry admits he still misses Helen.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Sally denies missing Joe.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Harry and Sally walk and she discloses looking for books about how to deal with a broken heart.
INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sally on phone watching Casablanca and talking to
INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Harry, who also watches Casablanca. He seems something of a hypochondriac.
EXT. LINCOLN CENTER -DAY
Harry tells Sally about his dream making love in the olympics and how his mother low scores
him.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK ARBOR – DAY
Harry and Sally share a pretzel. Sally tells Harry about her recurring sex dream that doesn’t go
anywhere except clothes off.
INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM – DUSK
They talk in silly voices. He asks her to go to a movie that night but she has a date, and he’s
taken aback. He tells her she should wear a skirt- she looks good in skirts.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sally helps Harry unroll a new rug. They both had horrific first dates with others. He had a panic
attack but still had sex with his date.
INT. BATTING CAGE IN QUEEENS- DAY
Harry and his male friend, Jess, who can’t understand why he isn’t with Sally. He explains that he
doesn’t have to lie with Sally and he can’t do that with other women.
EXT. CARNEGIE DELI – DAY
INT. CARNEGIE DELI – DAY
Harry and Sally about to eat. She questions Harry about how he treats his dates and she’s upset
by the way he has sex and jumps up to leave and bitches him out for it. To prove that the women
are faking orgasms, she fakes an orgasm loudly in the restaurant and Harry is taken aback.
EXT. 96TH STREET – CHRISTMAS TREE STAND – DAY
Harry and Sally carry the tree to Sally’s apartment.
INT. SALLY’S KITCHEN – DAY
Sally decorates cookies with her friend Alice and Alice’s daughter, Amy. Sally talks about her
horrific first date with a Raymond. Sally manicures Amy’s nails and writes Harry’s name on a
cookie. Alice doesn’t understand why Sally isn’t with Harry.
INT. NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY – NIGHT
Harry and Sally promise that if they don’t have dates the following year, they’ll be together on
NYE next year, too. Harry suggests that they stop being friends, go home and make love.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Cuts between five older couples. Each couple tells how they were set up to meet their spouses.
EXT. WEST BROADWAY, NEAR RESTAURANT- EARLY EVENING
Sally walks with Marie. Sally and Marie meet with Harry and Jess- a double date to introduce
Harry to Marie and Jess to Sally. Harry’s description of Sally isn’t just physical and he clearly
loves her by the way he talks about her. Marie and Jess are the ones who hit it off.
EXT. WEST BROADWAY – NIGHT
Marie asks if Sally’s interested in Jess, because if not, Marie is attracted to him. Jess has the same
conversation with Harry about Marie. Jess promises to be discrete, but when a cab comes by,
Jess hops into the cab and Marie hops in after him. Harry and Sally keep walking and confer on
where to get an ice cream.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Older couple. They didn’t like each other the first time they met but six months later, they did.
INT. SHARPER IMAGE – DAY
They get very silly with a karaoke machine, when Harry’s ex, Helen walks in with her
accountant. Harry feels faint.
EXT. PLANT SHOP – DAY
Sally pays for a plant, Harry is still affected.
INT. JESS AND MARIE’S APARTMENT- DAY
Newly moved into J and M are in a dispute when Harry and Sally arrive with the plant. Harry is
really upset and storms out the door. Sally follows to console him. He accuses her of not feeling
anything after Joe left her. She gets Harry’s rampage into control and they reenter J and M
apartment.
INT. JESS AND MARIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Furnished now. Harry and Sally, Jess and Marie, Alice and Gary, Sally’s date Julian, Harry’s date
Emily. They’re playing a game. Sally & Marie alone as Sally questions how appropriate Emily is
for Harry. Harry and Jess alone as Harry questions how tall Julian is.
INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Harry reads, the phone rings, it’s Sally. She asks him to come over. She’s upset- Joe is getting
married.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
She’s a wreck and Harry puts his arms around her and holds her. They enter her apartment.
INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
He holds her and kisses her, and remembers to break away but she asks him to hold her.
INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM – LATER
They’ve made love. (page 91) Sally’s happy. Harry’s freaked.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Sally happy.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Harry is petrified.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Harry looks through Sally’s index cards of video tapes. Awkward. They’re both stunned.
INT. BEDROOM – THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Sally asleep. Harry stares at the clock.
INT. BEDROOM – ALMOST DAWN
Harry’s getting dressed but he asks if she wants to go to dinner after work.
INT. JESS AND MARIE’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Marie’s phone rings. It’s Sally. Jess’ phone rings. It’s Harry. Both Marie and Jess tell them they
were praying for it and cheer them on for it. After they hang up Marie asks Jess to never make
her ‘be out there’ again.
INT. SALLY’S BATHROOM – DAY
Sally decides to say they made a mistake.
INT. HARRY’S BATHROOM – DAY
Harry decides to tell Sally it was a mistake.
INT. SALLY’S BATHROOM – DAY
She hopes to say it first.
INT. HARRY’S BATHROOM – DAY
Harry hopes Sally will say it first.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Harry and Sally drink. Sally says it was a mistake. They are awkward.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Older couple. How they got together.
INT. CENTRAL PARK – BETHESDA FOUNTAIN – DAY
Harry and Jess walk quickly. Harry thinks, maybe it’s too late in the relationship to have sex.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE DRESSING ROOM- DAY
Marie and Sally and Marie tries on wedding gowns and Sally cries.
INT. PUCK BUILDING – THE WEDDING- AFTERNOON
Sally’s Marie’s maid of honor, Harry watches Sally walk down the aisle and Sally looks away.
INT. PUCK BUILDING – WEDDING RECEPTION, ENTRANCE AND KITCHEN –
AFTERNOON
Harry approaches Sally. Rough going, they start arguing, end up in the kitchen arguing he
implies that he took pity on her and she slaps him and storms out.
INT. PUCK BUILDING WEDDING RECEPTION – DAY
Jess proposes a toast to Harry and Sally. Marie forces tossing her bouquet to Sally, who catches
it.
EXT. CHRISTMAS IN NY
Happy lights and decorations
EXT. 96TH STREET – CHRISTMAS TREE STAND – DAY
Sally buys a tree and hauls it home alone. Harry leaves a message on her phone machine and
asks for forgiveness and asks her to call him.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sally listens as Harry leaves another message.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Harry tries to convince himself that she’s not home.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sally overhears but does not pick up.
EXT. STREET – HOT DOG STAND – DAY
Harry and Jess. Harry I’m making a schmuck of myself.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT -DAY
Harry sings onto Sally’s phone machine- romantic. Call me.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sally overhears.
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Harry continues the song, “call me”
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
OS Harry “give me a call” Sally picks up the phone. Harry asks if they can be together for NYE
at a particular party. She says no.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
DICK CLARK
INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dick Clark on TV, Harry watches and tries to convince himself that it’s ok.
FLASHBACK A year earlier.
Harry and Sally dance. Recalls when he asked her to make love.
INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
He needs to get air.
INT. NYE PARTY – NIGHT
Sally dances with a tall man. Terrible. Marie dances with Jess.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET – NIGHT
Harry walks. He sees a couple.
FLASHBACK
Harry and Sally laugh. He tells her she looks good in skirts.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET- NIGHT
Harry is agitated and walks into an ice cream store.
INT. NYE PARTY – NIGHT
Sally pretends to have a good time and can’t wait to go home.
EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE -NIGHT
Harry walks upset dumps his ice cream
FLASHBACK
Eleven years ago when Sally dropped him off in Washington Square.
EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE – NIGHT
He starts running.
INT. NYE PARTY – NIGHT
Sally’s leaving. She doesn’t want to be there and not get kissed.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Harry runs.
INT. PARTY – NIGHT
Sally gets her coat.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Harry runs.
INT. PARTY- NIGHT
Sally kisses Jess and Marie goodbye. She turns. Harry is there. Harry slowly approaches her and
declares his love for her. Incredibly romantic speech, he tells all the ways and reasons why he
loves her and wants to be with her, starting right now. They kiss.
A COUPLE ON A LOVESEAT
It’s Harry and Sally, same kind of footage as the documentary footage- that they got married two
months later.
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Member
June Fortunato’s Basic Structure
What I learned is: This is a wonderful way to get to the key revelations and turning points while developing a story.
Logline (ish) When crazyass Roy almost dies in a self-inflicted car crash, he knows that he can’t keep going like this- he has to stop moving from mooch to mooch and find a permanent situation to collect his SSI- until he meets an eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! an dwho plays the same mooch and dash game. For the first time in his life, he’s happy. So is she. They crash crazy places together and have a blast. He’s never had so much fun. But he’s tired. He’s got to change and she refuses to stop running. Now he’s in love with her, and he even wants to take care of her- Roy has to leave this woman or run with her until he collapses. In retirement, one just wants it to be easier, but Roy doesn’t want to go it alone anymore, either.
Inciting Incident
When Roy deliberately crashes a car he almost dies, and wakes up in the midst of getting last rites. He goes to court and learns that he’s owed a lot of money- from SSI, Veteran’s benes and even a medal of honor- but he hasn’t had an address or even technology to collect. It’s essential to get a permanent location, so that he can get his money and doesn’t have to scrounge anymore. And there’s a time limit- the claim is in progress.
Page 10
Roy has to change his life. Now he knows, but he’s still looking for the perfect pad- still wandering, and it seems like he’ll never get this dream before the clock runs out.
First turn end of act 1
Roy meets Kim and the two have a hellofa blast because she does what he does and now he has someone to do it with.
Mid act 2
Roy and Kim are having beautiful times, but he can’t convince her to get a retirement place and stop running- and he can’t do this anymore. He needs an address, he needs his money from SSI and the veterans. Now he’s torn between being without her, which brings him much joy for the first time in his life, and resting – which he must do because he’s broken and can’t go on with the lifestyle. he can’t figure it out with her, and he can’t figure it out without her anymore. It’s the first time in his life that he has to dump someone instead of being dumped. It feels shit.
Second turning point end of Act 2
Roy longs for Kim. When he runs into her in a hidey place, he’s overjoyed. They have another great escapade, but she decides to give him a break and leaves before he wakes. Now his heart is broken all over again. What is his revelation? That secretly, he knows that she can’t do it without him anymore, either.
Crisis
Roy finds himself contemplating suicide in “their place” a cliff where they dreamed of having a place. But when he gets there, Kim is there, too. Should they jump off together, like Thelma and Louise? Like they talked about when ‘life would become too much” But seeing her, he knows there can be a way. He says, “Let’s have a life together, for whatever is left. I have a plan.”
Resolution
So what does Roy have to change to achieve his NEW goal- of having her AND a permanent residence? He has to guarantee that her life will be as exciting as it is right now, but slower, and not as difficult. The answer lies in what does she love? A scam. A sneak. She thrives on this. He decides to sneakily pay for high end restaurant dinners ahead of time, and make her think that they’re skipping the bill. He can do that with everything, too- groceries, flowers- even travel and car rentals. They get a permanent pad first as a trusted housesitter, and then , when the owner goes into a nursing home- they get to stay.
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June Fortunato’s Basic Structure
What I learned is: This is a wonderful way to get to the key revelations and turning points while developing a story.
Logline (ish) When crazyass Roy almost dies in a self-inflicted car crash, he knows that he can’t keep going like this- he has to stop moving from mooch to mooch and find a permanent situation to collect his SSI- until he meets an eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! an dwho plays the same mooch and dash game. For the first time in his life, he’s happy. So is she. They crash crazy places together and have a blast. He’s never had so much fun. But he’s tired. He’s got to change and she refuses to stop running. Now he’s in love with her, and he even wants to take care of her- Roy has to leave this woman or run with her until he collapses. In retirement, one just wants it to be easier, but Roy doesn’t want to go it alone anymore, either.
Inciting Incident
When Roy deliberately crashes a car he almost dies, and wakes up in the midst of getting last rites. He goes to court and learns that he’s owed a lot of money- from SSI, Veteran’s benes and even a medal of honor- but he hasn’t had an address or even technology to collect. It’s essential to get a permanent location, so that he can get his money and doesn’t have to scrounge anymore. And there’s a time limit- the claim is in progress.
Page 10
Roy has to change his life. Now he knows, but he’s still looking for the perfect pad- still wandering, and it seems like he’ll never get this dream before the clock runs out.
First turn end of act 1
Roy meets Kim and the two have a hellofa blast because she does what he does and now he has someone to do it with.
Mid act 2
Roy and Kim are having beautiful times, but he can’t convince her to get a retirement place and stop running- and he can’t do this anymore. He needs an address, he needs his money from SSI and the veterans. Now he’s torn between being without her, which brings him much joy for the first time in his life, and resting – which he must do because he’s broken and can’t go on with the lifestyle. he can’t figure it out with her, and he can’t figure it out without her anymore. It’s the first time in his life that he has to dump someone instead of being dumped. It feels shit.
Second turning point end of Act 2
Roy longs for Kim. When he runs into her in a hidey place, he’s overjoyed. They have another great escapade, but she decides to give him a break and leaves before he wakes. Now his heart is broken all over again. What is his revelation? That secretly, he knows that she can’t do it without him anymore, either.
Crisis
Roy finds himself contemplating suicide in “their place” a cliff where they dreamed of having a place. But when he gets there, Kim is there, too. Should they jump off together, like Thelma and Louise? Like they talked about when ‘life would become too much” But seeing her, he knows there can be a way. He says, “Let’s have a life together, for whatever is left. I have a plan.”
Resolution
So what does Roy have to change to achieve his NEW goal- of having her AND a permanent residence? He has to guarantee that her life will be as exciting as it is right now, but slower, and not as difficult. The answer lies in what does she love? A scam. A sneak. She thrives on this. He decides to sneakily pay for high end restaurant dinners ahead of time, and make her think that they’re skipping the bill. He can do that with everything, too- groceries, flowers- even travel and car rentals. They get a permanent pad first as a trusted housesitter, and then , when the owner goes into a nursing home- they get to stay.
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PS 81 Day 3 Dramatic Plots Part 2
What I learned is: there’s no perfect template, but it’s fun to follow each of the ideas and figure out which aspects of each to incorporate.
1. Select 2 of second five: Transformation and Discovery Two selected from first five: Adventure and Rivalry
Original concept
Charming Roy hates to work, but after his latest girlfriend (aka free ride) dumps him, the clever man will go to any length to find a more permanent person to take care of him- until he meets and eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! and who plays the same game. Together they crash in the craziest places and he falls in love with the tenderness inside of her that allows him to heal. In the end, they luck into a perfect, permanent pad together.
The second group- 2 of the five
Discovery
Roy is tired, but when you’re running from yourself, you can’t slow down. he knows that he has to change, until he meets KIm, a woman who’s as much of a moocher as he is and also crashes free places to live. Both of them are wounded spirits. For once, there’s someone who he can relate to- and someone who understands him. Together they have a blast of adventures- together they’re much smarter, and eventually, as the past reveals itself for both of them- they learn to trust- they learn to heal and that’s when they luck into the most incredibly perfect pad.
Transformation
Roy has never been thanked, only kicked in the ass and shoved aside and so he’ll do as little as possible for anyone because they don’t notice or acknowledge his gifts anyway- until he meets Kim- who’s as much of a moocher as he is. This woman who’s been shafted so many times, too, appreciates the things that he does and who he is. She KNOWS him. Little by little, it becomes fun and Roy wants to look out fo rKim as well as for himself. Because, suddenly Kim is part of him, and so, after all, he’s just protecting himself, right?
Comparing all four plots- pick one
Adventure with bits of Rivalry, Transformation and Discovery
When crazy ass, super moocher Roy gets dumped again (aka his latest free ride), he’s got to figure out a more permanent solution and maybe even straighten out his life- until he meets KIm, a woman who plays exactly the same game. Together, they crash in the craziest places- often clash and separate only to seek each other out- and being crazy together- they’ve never had so much fun. Can’t stand each other, can’t be apart they both come to a crisis and decide to find a way together when Kim lands the perfect, permanent home for them.
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June Fortunato Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned: that it’s very fun to plug my idea into different templates.
Plot 2, Adventure
What’s new and strange for Roy is that having gone it alone for so long, this woman, Kim, has a lot of other places she’s crashed that he didn’t even think of! Together they brainstorm and find even more weird and free temporary places to live, but Roy’s goal is a permanent pad and there’s friction because they’re both used to going it alone. It isn’t until Roy is in serious trouble that Kim snaps out of her own world to rescue him. Together, they, incredibly lucky, hit on the perfect situation together.
Plot 8, Rivalry
Roy meets his equal in a woman who crashes as many free places as he does. They find themselves competing for some of the same hidey free rides, and her damn loud voice always gives them away. He finds her both completely frustrating and annoying and also beguiling and a blast. How irritating! She often can’t abide him either, because she’s very happy just speaking to herself. Little by little, though, they start to seek each other out. The game is to discover where the other is- and it’s so much fun- more fun than Roy has had in years. When Roy gets into serious trouble- trapped under a collapsing (mostly empty) silo- Kim pulls him out just in time. Serious romantic turn on because it validates both of them- so they decide to make it together, and as lucky as luck can be, land in the perfect free pad for life.
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June Fortunato/Retirement Character Structure
Concept
Charming Roy hates to work, but after his latest girlfriend (aka his free ride) dumps him, the clever man will go to any length to find a more permanent person to take care of him- until he meets an eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! and who plays the same game. Together they crash in the craziest places and he falls in love with the tenderness inside of her that allows him to heal. In the end, they luck into a perfect, permanent pad together.
Character structure
1 & 2 Roy leads the story but it’s a buddy movie and romantic dramedy.
Give us one sentence on each of your leads
Roy is a clever, wild, fun guy, 60s, a charming mooch who’ll do just about anything but also has a deceptive sense of morality. Inside, he harbors a deep spirit wound that prevents him from fully embracing others.
Kim, 50s, also harbors deep wounds, and she’s incredibly lonely but unwilling to bond with anyone, ever again. Her parents were wealthy, and she prefers homelessness. Smart and resourceful, she pushes the stream of negative thoughts out of her head with extremely loud conversations with herself.
How this plays out
Both Roy and Kim find themselves in the same hideaway. She plays the same game as Roy, so they share secrets. They try moving around together, and have an outrageously great time, but Kim’s loud talk always gets them caught. She’s a liability that Roy can’t handle and he splits…until he finds himself in deep trouble, and Kim comes to his rescue. Together, they learn to accept each other’s quirks- to trust each other, and eventually come to heal each other. After lots of adventures and scares, Kim has a brilliant crash pad idea. They go for it, and, as luck can be, the owner goes into a nursing home and leaves the place, and pets, to them.
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PS 81 June Fortunato June Fortunato’s Necessary Questions
What a learned: This is an easy way to get to the answers.
Concept: Once you stop, everything catches up to you.
Dramatic question: Will Roy find a permanent place to rest, and will he convince Kim to do that with him?
Main conflict:
Roy needs to stop running and finds his soulmate, Kim, who isn’t ready.
Dilemma
He’s torn between wanting this woman, a true woman/soulmate, and feeling the need to flee.
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Confidentiality agreement yes, I agree. First signed Jan 10th. Please post so that I can post in the group forum.
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June Fortunato
I agree to the release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi, Ny name is June Fortunato
I’ve written 4 feature films, a 4-part TV series, 25 + shorts which include produced/distributed audio dramas (NPR – recorded, live broadcasts, web and stage) One of my short narratives broadcast on PBS. I wrote and directed an interdisciplinary “live film” which won 60 grants and international exposure. My goal in life, to be a director/writer, first for stage (more than 20 plays) then for audio-drama, then film, taught me how to write. It also taught me production and design- and I love it all. I taught Writing for TV, acting and film production in universities and a film school. I interior-designed houses. I audio mixed conferences for 25 years, too. (I loved the content and the different types of attendees.) Before covid, I worked as a production designer’s assistant and found locations for flims/commercials. I’ve gotten somewhat lost working with a writers’ group that writes only stories, and I haven’t written a feature in many! years so I hope to get back into features (compared to TV) and to take my work to the next level. I have hope that the discipline and different ways of thinking in this class will help me to achieve that. Unique? My ability and love of coaching other people, I have a quirky sense of humor; am pretty good at dialogue and structure. I find creativity in almost all activities. (I recently took a sewing machine apart and couldn’t figure out where all the pieces go…)
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Hi Cheryl, Hal and other classmates here’s what I learned today:
Drum up 50 to 100 high concept ideas (a revelation),
Love Jim’s 7-part process of writing,
There are 33 ways to make money in the business,
and the goal is to make money,
Make a list of 10 different ways to solve each problem,
and program your mind (consciously) to focus on that individual problem,
I have the permission to ask a script consultant what they’re good at before asking them for feedback,
Page International is one of the top four contests,
Suspense is expressed differently in different genres.
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Dramatic Plots 1
Learned: It’s very fun to plug my idea into different templates.
2 Adventure
What’s new and strange for Roy is that having gone it alone for so long, this woman, Kim, has a lot of other places she’s crashed that he didn’t even think of! Together they brainstorm and find even more weird and free temporary places to live, but Roy’s goal is a permanent pad and there’s friction because they’re both used to going it alone. It isn’t until Roy is in serious trouble that Kim snaps out of her own world to rescue him. Together, they incredibly lucky, hit on the perfect situation together.
8 Rivalry
Roy meets his equal in a woman who crashes as many free places as he does. They find themselves competing for some of the same hidey free rides, and her damn loud voice always gives them away. He finds her both completely frustrating and annoying and also beguiling and a blast. How irritating! She often can’t abide him either, because she’s very happy just speaking to herself. Little by little, though, they start to seek each other out. The game is to discover where the other is- and it’s so much fun- more fun than Roy has had in years. When Roy gets into serious trouble- trapped under a collapsing (mostly empty) silo- Kim pulls him out just in time. Serious romantic turn on because it validates both of them- and so they decide to make it together, and as lucky as luck can be, land in the perfect free pad for life.
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June Fortunato/Retirement Character Structure
“What I learned” a nice way to start outlining: one step at a time.
List your concept
Retirement
Charming Roy hates to work, but after his latest girlfriend (aka his free ride) dumps him, the clever man will go to any length to find a more permanent person to take care of him- until he meets an eccentric woman who speaks very loudly! to herself! and who plays the same game. Together they crash in the craziest places and he falls in love with the tenderness inside of her that allows him to heal. In the end, they luck into a perfect, permanent pad together.
2 Character structure chosen
1 & 2 Roy leads the story but it’s a buddy movie and romantic dramedy.
3. each of the lead characters
Roy is a clever, wild, fun guy, 60s, a charming mooch who’ll do just about anything but also has a deceptive sense of morality. Inside, he harbors a deep spirit would that prevents him from fully embracing others.
Kim, 50s, also harbors deep wounds, and she’s incredibly lonely but unwilling to bond with anyone, ever again. Her parents were wealthy, and she prefers homelessness. Smart and resourceful, she pushes the stream of negative thoughts out of her head with extremely loud conversations of herself.
Character structure
Both Roy and Kim find themselves in the same hideaway. She plays the same game as Roy, so they share secrets. They try moving around together, and have an outrageously good time, but Kim’s loud self talk always gets them caught. She’s a liability that Roy can’t handle and he splits… until he finds himself in deep trouble and Kim comes to the rescue. Together, they learn to accept each other’s quirks- to trust each other, and eventually, come to heal each other. After lots of adventures and scares, Kim has a brilliant crash pad idea. They go for it, and, lucky as luck can be, the owner moves into a nursing home and leaves the place and pets to them.
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We are currently doing number 13, elevating scene structure. The lesson was emailed.
Lesson 11 is match outline to script
Lesson 12 is rate your scenes
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Great. I’ll look for your email. June
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Jennifer, I can exchange. I have a dark dramedy- with an anti-hero. The outline is 12 pages. If you’re up for that, here’s my email address. . JuneFortunato@mail.com
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Hi Charles, I’ll be happy to read and comment on your outline. I’m waiting for responses on my first two rounds, but I’ve already returned my notes to them, so if you’re ready to send, I’ve got the headspace for your story. JuneFortunato@mail.com
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Hi Pat, I’d love to exchange with you. I have a dramedy, Katie and Ti. I haven’t written the script yet, but the outline includes structure points. JuneFortunato@mail.com
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Hi Connie,
I have a dark dramedy but I usually write romance, so I’d love to exchange with you. My outline is 12 pages, which includes the structure points. I have not written the script yet! but am adapting a short story. My email address is junefortunato@mail.com
June
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In case you haven’t found it yet, go to: your screenwriting classes, mark lesson 12 complete, and it’s the one titled, Query Teleconference. You can download the audio and written part.
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In case you haven’t found it yet, go to: your screenwriting classes, mark lesson 12 complete, and it’s the one titled, Query Teleconference. You can download the audio and written part.
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Comments for Anita draft one, from June
Opening graph is strong. hooks: ripped from.. journey into the future gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted
I don’t know if you’ve changed your script since I read it, but although Danica’s search is part of your story, I recall that the search is more on the Harley’s side. I love the opening graph, but it leads to the expectations that the story is exclusively focused on a mother’s search- and when people read your script, they’ll say “that’s not what she pitched”
I think your actual script focuses on Danica’s conflict within herself, her urgent need for a kidney, and the prickly relationship with Cyrus. The key theme is that despite Danica’s inability to get the abortion, she’s a fierce choice advocate.
Your synopsis appears to have too many minor details. The wife plays a small part and I think the slant in your script is a wife and Cyrus who don’t get along anyway, so her leaving is the final straw.
Perhaps you can pitch it as Cyrus thinks he controls everyone but in the end, this destroys Cyrus’ family and his illusions of invulnerability and grandeur.
Your ‘hidden’ opponent (hidden from Danica and Cyrus) is key. She’s working behind the scenes, the audience has the advantage of knowing- and I think that’s significant for the pitch. I don’t think it’s an important detail that Harley finds the info in the same lab as Karen- but rather that because she’s cruel and intentional, she gets a job where she can discover her birth parents and learning of her mother’s medical history, plans to kill Cyrus to arrange his kidney for her mom.
I think you can skip the sister dying, too. Danica’s career climbs, and she is the one person who can argue the case for abortion (that’s not clear in your description)- and finds herself in front of a panel of judges- one of whom is Cyrus. The stress triggers an immediate need for a kidney-
Your bio
I’d start with the optioned screenwriter.. experience w producers and the two finalists and your IMDB credit. Then the mom of three daughters who’s experienced two miscarriages. BTW, I’m so sorry for your losses!
Don’t forget your contact info at the end.
It’s a good story and fingers crossed on your success.
cheers, June
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Absolutely! I’d love that and I’ve felt the same way. Anytime!
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Yay, I was a bit worried about you. Let’s exchange. I’ve posted draft 3. Little worried that my opening line is weak. It previously was, “Who doesn’t want a free ride for their retirement?”
Or should I go directly to: There’s a reason….”
I’ll read your query in a few hours. cheers, June
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I don’t know how you manage in that heat! We fried in Philly, and it’s not nearly as intense as it is where you are.
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Hi Dev, I cut the question at the beginning. If you have a chance, could you read my draft two? I’m trying to cut the bio without losing personality. BTW, my friend, a beta reader, said she met Roy! In a wawa!
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Hi Dev, This is so much clearer. Brava you!
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Yowza, I LOVE the opening line! Winner!
Hi Dev,
I find the synopsis hard to visualize, even though I know your story well, and think that you expertly! reveal your meta- verse in your screenplay. I love your characters and the emotions of your story… but I think the query tries to show the important things first and gets caught up.
Have you tried write it, as if you’re telling the story on the phone? The query seems to try hard, and your story is not hard- it’s easy to follow- so the query should reflect that.
What if you write your synopsis in the same order as your screenplay? What if you start with the fracturing of realities?
Climate change is splintering the meta-verse. Clay Caine, Grand Dragon, is usurped.. and I think straight up to the top should be this great line: Clay believes his only path back to power is assassination- not of the upstart, but of … He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists in another universe, the very one Clay’s universe is breeching. Those are your strongest lines.
Your bio is freaking amazing.
all good wishes. June
BTW, Hal gave an example of using a question as the opening hook, so I’m unsure now. I know that you have mega-experience. I’ll think on that.
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Hi Matt, comments from June
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
DEFINITELY FUNNY AND INTRIGUING- I like this as your opening hook The bottom three don’t hold the interest that this one does.
She knew she was going to die.
VERY COMPELLING! at this point, I’m wondering if Alicia is embedded in a video game, (I haven’t read your work so my reactions are ‘new eyes’ which hopefully will be good) It also feels like Hunger Games.
even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth. HOOK AFTER HOOK. Way to go.
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
REDUNDANT BUT ADDED INFO ‘SOCIAL MEDIA’ but still feels like a repeat
GOOD CLOSING
(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)
What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
I PERSONALLY DISLIKE THE REFERENCE TO ANOTHER MOVIE, WHICH WAS SO OVERUSED IN THE EARLY 2000’S. THIS ISN’T QUITE THE SAME BUT I’D PERSONALLY TURN OFF. MAYBE THAT’S JUST ME.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
THIS ONE HAS POTENTIAL BUT I’D START WITH THE IDEA OF SOCIAL MEDIA VOTING. THE CRIME ELIMINATED REMINDS ME OF MINORITY REPORT. Maybe rearrange the sentences, such as something like “Unpopular weirdos are on the chopping block and society votes who will live, and who will die on Social Media.
Maybe JUST THIS LINE: She had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
Matt, definitely interesting to be pitched to producers who want another Hunger Games, an absolute yes, we’ll read.
The advantage is female warrior- very in demand now- the gaming aspect – the backstory/hidden truth. Not sure if you’ll show the abusive mother- but those are your hooks. Well done!
June
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He absolutely did say to give the ending away. Thanks for the notes on my piece. Will fix the one about the gals. June
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June’s comments on Anna Harper’s version 2 query
Hi Anna,
I like your query letter. It conveys a sense of Christmas, a quietness and somehow, snow. It might be a little academic, because generally, the holidays and the end of the year heighten expectation and emotions. I think that your query should reflect the emotions of your sweet screenplay.
Opening
Since “producer of Holiday movies” indicates that you’ve done your research, is there a way to point specifically to what you love about their specific movie(s)? Such as “I watch your delightful movie, The Elfinager, whenever I need a lift, and I think that my screenplay, SILENT NIGHT, could be the beginning of a new franchise for your catalogue… (something to that effect)
It’s Christmas when…
It’s a good log-line. It conveys the gentle, swaying rhythm of your story and tells the ending, as we were instructed to do. But I like your next line much better as an opener: “Superdog Alfie <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>uses..” That one is arresting and eye catching. It cuts to the chase and kicks off your story.
Maybe you can put your log-line later?
Introduces his dad to a new romantic interest- Perhaps you can make a bigger contrast between the two- much better, genuinely kind, etc?
Love the bio. I’d rearrange the sentence, I spent a year in Lyme Regis Dorset ,UK, and was so
charmed that…
L-O-V-E the idea of Alfie’s littermates! Outstanding. The word “pilot” refers to TV in the USA. I’d rewrite that as, potentially the first in a franchise.
Hooks: Christmas, mute child, superpower doggie, bullies, confused dad.
Make a request. And say how you’ll follow up.
Fingers crossed. I’d love to see your movie.
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surely! Will do it tomorrow.
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Hi Cam,
Yes, waiting 24 hours really helps. There are always things to change in the morning!
Opening line
Yes, I think your opening line is arresting and intriguing.
While a space colony
I think the line will be stronger if you start with: Desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable, fights the crowd to save both his wife and his nine-year old son but the space colony is thick with hostile alien parasites. (something like that- just to start with “desperate” zooms us immediately into the emotion and the character. Also, to be picky: the colony fights, Sully fights. Passives (ing) tend to water out the impact.
Again, just my preference, but I’d start each sentence with the verb, such as “he refuses to move on from his wife’s death but after a year…. I just think that each line (good hooks, btw) should punch.
Next graph Sully will be is passive. Sully is forced- I think, stronger. Also, you could make the reading feel like the screenplay, for example: The alarm signals the savage aliens return, and Sully is forced reconnect w his son when they watch the doors shut them out. Too late! Good hook that the Aspie son may be the only one…
I think you can add a few more words to the last line. Great ending hook, by the way but maybe: Can Sully trust? Should he trust? etc I think the last line can be stronger.
LOVE the bio. Fabulous.
Love the closing line.
And love that you figured out how to make your query short! Well done!
Counting hooks
Three in the opening line
Two in the second graph (Sophie’s choice and space colony with parasites
Next graph- wife’s death, Sully is numb & disconnected.
Next graph- door shut them out. Son might have the secret (biggest hook)
Next graph- reliability of the kid-
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Hi Dana, Love your smooth pitch! And it is short. Rock and roll!
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Hi Lisa,
Nice. I thought the logline was supposed to imply what happens at the end (?) Nevertheless, it’s definitely one line, which I have trouble creating for my piece. BTW, I never told you that my family lives in Rochester, NY. So we are region-kin!
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Thank you, Anita. Much to mull over about the jail scene. Roy’s first plan is to go to jail but the food sucks. His second plan is to go to the hospital- which he thinks will be more temporary. But you’re not the first to think the jail scene is not quite right- so in this upcoming first draft module, I’ll figure out how to make it shorter. And maybe less grody. I’ll also think about actually seeing Joe and Roy. I hadn’t intended for them to be identified- as they don’t call each other by name and are voices over black.
Thanks for the good things to think about and for the encouragement. cheers, June
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JUNE’S COMMENTS FOR ANITA’S LIFE CHOICES FIRST TEN PAGES
(PS 81) ANITA’S 110 PAGES – READY TO EXCHANGE CRITIQUES!
SYNOPSIS
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is
a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway.
INCITING INCIDENT. GREAT
Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion.
EXCELLENT TWIST
She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station.
ANOTHER EXCELLENT TWIST
Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with
his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
WOULD LOVE TO READ THIS SCENE
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
GOOD STUFF. WOULD LOVE TO READ THIS REVELATION SCENE, AS WELL.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant.
GOOD STORY. GOOD COMPOUNDING DIFFICULTIES
Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments.
WERE YOU ABLE TO SOLVE THE CONFLICT OF INTEREST ISSUE?
The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter. Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus.
TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
ANITA, I’M SORRY ABOUT THE ALL-CAPS TEXT, BUT HIGHLIGHTING TEXT ON THE SITE TAKES FOREVER. TO DO IT BEFOREHAND ADDS A LOT OF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE TO DELETE. FORGIVE THE FEEL OF SCREAMING AT YOU :/
LIFE CHOICES
NICE TITLE
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand
bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS
KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
THE SHOVE OFF IMPLIES DISTAIN. WHEN CYRUS ASKS ABOUT NEXT WEEK, IT IMPLIES SEX WORKER- ALTHOUGH I DON’T THINK A SEX WORKER WOULD SHOVE SOMEONE OFF- IT THEN IMPLIES- A WOMAN WHO’S COMPELLED BY A POWERFUL MAN WHO FEELS OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX TO FURTHER HER CAREER- LIKE THE WOMEN ABUSED BY HARVEY WEINSTEIN. YOU ASKED ME TO COMMENT ON IF THE PREFACE HELPS- IT’S ALL ABOUT DANICA HERE. I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU DON’T SHOW DANICA’S FACE. HER EXPRESSION WOULD SAY EVERYTHING. DOES SHE FEEL TRAPPED? DOES SHE HATE THIS MAN? HER SILENCE INDICATES POWERLESSNESS- BUT UNLESS SHE’S BEING RAPED, SHE DOES HAVE POWER TO EXACT FAVORS OR SOME KIND OF RETURN FOR SERVICES.
YOU ASKED IF THE PREFACE WORKS OR IS IT BETTER TO JUMP INTO THE CHILDBIRTH? TRY ADDING A CONVERSATION. WHERE DOES THAT TAKE YOU? THE SCENE IS HARSH RIGHT NOW. WOULD CYRUS BE SOFTER AFTER DANICA SATISFIED HIS NEED? HOW DOES THE ACT CHANGE THEM? IF YOU HAVE A PREFACE USE IT FOR IMPACT. I’D SEE HOW FAR I COULD GO WITH IT AND THEN DECIDE.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
DO THE SCENES WHEN DANICA CAN’T BRING HERSELF TO GET AN ABORTION, AND THE
SCENE WHEN CYRUS INSISTS THAT SHE GET ONE – FLASHBACKS LATER? DOES CYRUS PAY
FOR THE ABORTION?
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room,
alongside a waiting incubator. But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining
kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
An alarmed nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
PRIOR TO THE BIRTH OR THE SEX? OR WHEN HARLEY IS GROWN AND PRIOR TO THE CASE?
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde with short hair dressed in an impeccable suit stands at the head of a conference table
populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
NICE DESCRIPTION. INDICATION OF AGE? HOW DID SHE GET HERE – THE GUMPTION – IF SHE <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>WAS SO PASSIVE WITH CYRUS?
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn
back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm.
Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio, marches from the room leaving the others puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice. Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business. She gets to the end of the hall and stops at the closed oak door whose gold embossed plaque reads: Cyrus Kilner, Partner
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up. A sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a daytime quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
STORMS AWAY IMPLIES SHE LEAVES THE OFFICE.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now. Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
HIS LINE MAKES HIS MARRIAGE VERY CLEAR. THE RINGS ARE HIGHLIGHTED IN THE PREFACE, THIS IS DANICA’S CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE- OH, SO NOW YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR WIFE? IN THE OPENING, SHE COULD COMMENT SARCASTICALLY, ‘GOING BACK TO YOUR WIFE NOW?” THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DOES SHE WANT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just
have to leave the state to do it.
NICE JAB AT THE CURRENT STATE OF AFFAIRS
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
IF DANICA REALLY WANTS TO GET AT CYRUS, SHE’LL STAY AND TORMENT HIM, BUT I SUPPOSE HE COULD DISCREDIT HER- ESPECIALLY WHEN HER PREGNANCY SHOWS.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home.
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Danica steps over toys on her way to the kitchen where REBECCA, poster gal for soccer mom of the year, stirs something on the stove while humming to the baby propped comfortably on her hip as a toddler bangs pots at her feet.
GREAT INTRO TO SISTER
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove. Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up? Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging
hits the obnoxious level.
HAHA. THAT’S WHY I LEFT THE HAVING KIDS ROUTINE TO MY BROTHERS’ FAMILIES.
DANICA For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s cute but harried HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(changes course) Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to Baton Rouge and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her) Shit. That means I’d have to pass the Louisiana state bar.
(sighs heavily) Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence
husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
Rebecca reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA (with soft compassion) It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
NICE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE SISTERS AND BECCA IS SWEET Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us -What would mom and dad say?
DANICA (coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
OK, SO WHY DID DANICA GO TO REBECCA? IT SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE WANTED BECCA TO <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>TALK HER OUT OF IT.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently) Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by striding away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica walks away leaving her tear-streaked sister behind.
OK, PAYOFF AS TO WHY DANI TOLD BECCA
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet
and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA God DAMMIT!
CATHOLIC CHURCH LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce. Abruptly she stands and marches down the aisle, out the doors and into the black night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER STILL, THAT NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping Texas Louisiana 2-lane State Road
90 is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour. Signs indicate HWY 10 to Louisiana is up ahead. SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his beautiful wife KAREN and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge! A Family Man with Family Values!
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment. Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
NICE
AT THIS POINT, WE BELIEVE THAT DANI’LL HAVE AN ABORTION. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>YES, IF I WAS A STUDIO READER, I’D KEEP READING AT THIS JUNCTURE, THOUGH I MIGHT <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCAN TO PARTS, STOP AND READ, SCAN, AND THEN READ THE LAST 10-15 PAGES. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>OVERALL, I LIKE THE PIECE AND LOVE THE POLITICS AND VIEW OF RELIGION. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I THINK THE RELATIONSHIP DURING THE AFFAIR PHASE CAN BE CLARIFIED WITH A FEW <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>BRUSHSTROKES- IS DANI FLIRTY? DOES DANI WOW CYRUS WITH HER LEGAL KNOWLEDGE? <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SO HE’S COMPELLED TO CAPTURE HER?
IS HE HAVING SEX WITH MANY PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE OR JUST DANI? I THINK IF <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>YOU TAKE SOME TIME TO BUILD THE WAY THEY INTERACT- AND IT WON’T TAKE A LOT OF <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCENE TIME- THEN YOU’LL BUILD THE CASE FOR THE GREAT FALLING OUT. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>IN THE FINAL SCENES, IT’S CLEAR THAT CYRUS STILL CARES ABOUT DANI BECAUSE HE <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SAVES HER LIFE. SO HE HAS A TENDER PLACE FOR HER- AND THAT SHOULD COME <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>THROUGH FROM THE BEGINNING ALTHOUGH, CERTAINLY, PEOPLE OFTEN DO BECOME <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>MORE SENTIMENTAL AS THEY AGE! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>NICE WORK. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT ROUND. JUNE
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Hi Anita,
I’d like to read your pages. June
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Hi Cam, June’s comments to Cameron’s first ten pages in bold and parenthesis
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique!
Synopsis: Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts,
(inciting incident)
they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive. They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker.
(excellent)
When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound.
(great twist)
In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. (great twist) With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape
(nice twist and shift from opponent to ally)
with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.
(with a mission in the future. Great)
_______
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING. A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH. She dials a number on her phone… It RINGS for an eternity.
BETH Hello? Hello, Sully?
(wordsmith- “hello” is formal. Does she have an informal way of speaking to her husband? or a term of endearment? or just the urgency to say, Sully! Sully?)
SULLY (on the phone) Beth! Where are you?
BETH It’s in the room with me.
SULLY What?
BETH It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters! Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH It’s our neighbor, Sul!
(Wow. Great jump into the story. Also intriguing- “what happens to Beth???”)(For the sake of a reader, add INTERCUT or SIMULTANEOUSLY, because I thought the script had moved on.)
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY A torrent of colonists washes down the halls in one direction.
(Nice description)
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love.
(Ha! Nice description)
Into his phone…
SULLY I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call… He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH (on the phone) Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH Come get me, please!
SULLY Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH My teacher left me.
(Isaiah doesn’t call Mom?)
Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
(timer is always an effective idea. very nice.)
SULLY Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY Are you shaking you head yes or no?<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(nice)
ISAIAH Yes.
SULLY Attaboy.
Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes.
(don’t quite understand this. Is it jealousy?)
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH,
(maybe a bit more descriptive?)
sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip.
(love the visual of the way we first encounter him)
ISAIAH Mommy?
BETH (crying) I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.
ISAIAH I love you, too.
BETH Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH I mean, yes.
BETH I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
(very good threat/hook. We assume it’s Sully but it raises the question)
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully jolts awake.
(The dream idea has been used so many times, that it might discourage a reader from moving on. I suggest finding another way to convey the scene and transition to the present. You could simply show it, since you superimpose “four years later” and then cut to Sully staring at a picture of the three of them. Is he in the same room with the closet- where Beth was? Perhaps he could be looking for something in the same closet and the memories overwhelm his thoughts.)
He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as… He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14. Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.) Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.) Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just… Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY We miss you. And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
(you may want to think about how often he speaks to the photo and edit. I’d personally edit to convey that he doesn’t need to address her- just launches into it as if in the midst of a conversation all the time- but that may not be your concept so it may not work for you.)
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(nice twist)
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed. An uncomfortable time passes… Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley… Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
KITCHEN Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.) Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of— Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can. He stews… Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK. Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH Hold on little buddy. Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot. DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung. He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene. Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to… THE TEENAGER’S ROOM The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…
MOM You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding… Sully, readying a bronchoscope.
DR. MICK Get away from my patient!
SULLY You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK I’ve been with this poor boy for years! Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.
MOM (shoving Sully) Get away from my son!
SULLY Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
MOM He’s not infected!
SULLY If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!
MANAGER (O.S.) Sully! My office! Now! Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY Sir, if I may—
MANAGER Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.
MANAGER One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY It’s the total pop—
MANAGER It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY It’s based on—
MANAGER Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed! Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY Sir?
MANAGER If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(quite a threat. Excellent stakes)
(grabbing his desk phone) So, what’s it going to be? Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy. The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand. He begins dialing…
MANAGER This hurts me more than it does you. The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER Meeting adjourned. Both men make a break for the door. Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER This isn’t over. Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY (jumping over manager)
(I like your scenes. If there’s one thing that I think can be improved, is that Sully’s character can have far more dimension and that comes from his having a lot more strategies. Nice work, and it’s fun to see how this is a family drama in so many ways. cheers, June)
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Hi Cameron, I’d like to read your pages. June
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Hi Dev, Thank you for the encouragement. Also, last time you reminded me that all I need for the ending is the setups. That helps more than I can say. Good wishes, June
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Excellent notes, Cameron. Thank you. I added the beginning mostly to show that the dates are correct, and that Roy is older but not in his 70s. I’m grateful to get feedback that it doesn’t quite fit and it doesn’t pay off until very late in the script. I was worried about that. I also think you’re right about the prison scene- make it shorter- and some of your other notes. I’m looking forward to reading your scenes. June
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Comments for Dev Ross from June
Hi Dev,
I think it’s great. You also check all of the boxes from the ‘openings’ module. It’s very fun to read and to see how you’ve set up your story, the multiverses, and also have improved it so significantly! Brava well done! I’m excited for you. And impressed.
I think that Alice makes a good point when she asks about Lincoln’s passion and also Clay’s great humiliation. Perhaps when Hannah asks him about what happened, if she persists a bit, he could pull the obey men religious thing? and a switch between being nice to Bethany and then cruel to Hannah? Here are a few notes I took while reading. As usual, take what’s useful and trash the rest. I’m looking forward to reading your whole script. Kudos, you!
GRAND DRAGON CLAY CAINE OF THE KKK IS LITERALLY TOSSED OFF STAGE BY HIS OWN
FOLLOWERS AND IS REPLACED BY A NEW, YOUNGER, MORE RADICAL WHITE SUPREMACIST.
love that (literally thrown off the stage) Love the premise “two realities collapsing into one another” great
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
Nice. I picture a suburban box with a little bit of land. Reading further, maybe a mention of above ground wires?
breeze. Reading later, when the wind becomes fierce, how about modifying ‘breeze’ such as good breeze, stiff breeze or the like?
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Very interesting! as it seems like Clay is not a Supremacist.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>love the opening Provocative opening.
Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Great twist excellent intro Reading further, maybe a mention of the roiling skies? Also likes admiring her comely form- raises the question of his sexual preferences but maybe I watch the news too much :/
A wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the punishing wind forces a COUNTRY BAND to give up on their set. They no sooner clear the stage when the wind subsides. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience when– <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>give up on their set- before they start? Or maybe if they’ve started- the wind warps the sound? <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>love this
Clay yells his response against the wind but he’s soundless against it — while Adam stands, arms wide, embracing the gale. Members of the crowd hoist Adam to the stage, then physically remove Clay. He lands in the dirt. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>excellent move. Love the direct conflict. Love that you show how Clay is failing. Great inciting <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>incident.
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Instant conflict opening.
They look like harp strings but are parallel universes existing in a simultaneous timeline. Vibrantly healthy strings exist next to those that are dimming. A few dim to black and then spiral to their deaths inside black holes. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>whoa. very neat.
very beautiful description and interesting! Inserted animation, I presume. Intriguing plunge into a unique world.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string – causing a SHIMMERING effect across both strings…
“one string frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair.” I think, too many analogies and the bleached hair <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>feels unrelated to your story. The cancer analogy can probably be worked to incorporate the splitting- because <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>tumors do grow blood vessels to feed themselves- and one analogy here will simplify and make it easier to picture. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>clicks the warning/threat box
The wind steals his words, and then spirals up toward the heavens. Lincoln gazes up as if trying to see where his words are going. The wind calms and he notices, just for a brief moment… …a pale SHIMMER ripple across the sky.
also, reading that we’re in a different string- maybe we follow a different path? Is there a way <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>to show an alternate route but I love that the story starts again! Brilliant.
Clay dabs at his mouth with his napkin, runs his tongue over his teeth to check for food debris, then sits up as Emmy escorts in BETHANY, a budding teen beauty just discovering her powers.
Hannah notices Clay noticing Bethany. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>wordsmith here? “a new problem is occurs” “violated trust”
You, too.
Hannah’s not blind.
Good scene. A lot of friction. It occurs to me that Clay could be a real dick and very obviously <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>stare at Bethany’s behind. Hannah’s such a wimp that she’d put up with it. But maybe that’s just <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>too extreme.
In his mini-Klan robe, an eight-year-old raptly listens; his young face lit by the light of the burning cross. Consider matchcut? The 8 year old watches through the window?
AUGUST CAINE (CONT’D)
EMMY
I’m out <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>good double entendre.
Clay moves to remove it when he realizes: The skin is smooth and silky like Hannah’s, but it’s no longer white… it’s black.
Great. Earlier, it seems that the switch between multiverses is set up with a clear trigger- wind <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>or streak of light in the sky. Here, it just happens. I love the cut and switch, I just think you have <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>to make the rules clear.
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Hi Dev,
I’d like to read your pages! June
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You’re so sweet! I feel for the folks that wrote out of order! I taught writing for TV at the university level and filmmaking scratch to completion- also directed- so But honestly, I feel like my script is a mess. Keep up the great work. Also, I’m posting my end 10 pages onto my original post. good good wishes June
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He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. (So true)
She can’t, for religious reasons, go through with the abortion (an excellent reason why she’d date a conservative judge)
(great set up)
excellent plot points 2 and crisis.
(Although I think Cameron’s right- a lawyer couldn’t argue a case before a person with an intimate connection- the question is, does anybody know and will anybody find out? Does the judge recuse himself or thereby admit to his infidelity? Or perhaps this is the way that his wife, Karen, learns of their affair? Maybe this is TMI but the affair was a very long time ago and seemed to end when Danica got pregnant- so Karen had multiple reasons to end that marriage)
The idea that Cyrus is a donor match is possible but not necessarily a shoo-in. Harley is a more likely match, but Harley knows the genetics so you’ve answered it.
I love that Harley is proud of herself for saving her mother by killing someone. It’s such a sick twist. I also love the final twist- that it was Cyrus who found a match for Danica. Love the last line! Great! arrival of Cyrus in the hospital room – but have concerns below.
In addition to the police officers, all judges are protected by Marshals.
Can you build more subtext into Cyrus’ line, “None of this is right?”
Love Harley’s little snit at the end.
I think it all works for your genre- which appears to be thriller/drama. I think it’s good, Anita. I like the Ford line.
I’m trying to figure out how to be helpful without conflicting with your genre/style. In any event, here are a couple of thoughts and as always, toss anything I have to say that doesn’t help. What if Danica woke up and Harley was peering at her? It might be creepier. And if Danica, confused from anesthesia, saw her- instead of getting up and looking into a mirror (might be rough after the surgery), Harley holds a mirror up to her face- or takes a selfie. Or has grabbed photos from online social media and holds Danica’s young pic next to her own (Harley’s) face. Some creepy & sardonic line, like “I’m going to be just like you.”
I think Harley can be super creepy with few words and by adding actions. You can pump up the gain on her and the quieter she is, the more chilling she can be.
Another concern is that the judge just had an accident and US Marshals are very protective. Despite his status, he might be restricted from seeing Danica- but I didn’t research this. I just remember a big meeting I worked for judges and the ballroom, all of the halls and kitchens were filled with Marshals. Packing guns. And I think they accompanied the individual judges to restrooms, too.
I don’t know if you’ve added things to the courtroom scenes, subtext from Cyrus to Danica, or ‘private office’ meetings.
I’m looking forward to reading your whole script. So much fun!
And, I’ve “finished” a first draft of Retirement- incredibly rough and slapped together end- but I’ll post the last 10 pages under my original post. Great going, Anita! Thanks for the exchange. June
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Thanks, Dev.I have lots to untangle. You’re not the first person to comment that I’ve misnamed my structural points. I appreciate your careful reading, as always. Very helpful. June
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Hi Dev,
Sorry for the delay with my response. I’m proud of you. This is a beautifully visualized impressive work. My favorite scene is the one in the car with Nubia and Lincoln- it’s heartfelt and rings true.
Your logistics are excellent. You also clearly demonstrate how the multi-verses work- which was no easy feat. Brava. You click all the master skill boxes, too: I think you’ve fulfilled all of the criteria of ‘rules” as in: The ending is surprising. Also inevitable. The new world is a utopia, but the meaning of Adam rising – indicates that racism continues. The ending does resolve the main conflict. It’s not on the nose.
I love that the building keeps falling. At one point, I thought that the cotton mill roof would collapse and take them both out simultaneously.
Everybody dies- the definition of a tragedy. Well done. A good metaphor that the women unfortunately get taken out by foolish men.
Here are my reactions as I read your scenes. BTW, I’ve finally ‘finished’ my script- slapped on the ending so it’s extremely rough, but I’ll post my ten pages. Thank you for your notes and constant support. I’m looking forward to reading them, but wanted to keep my promise to you and post my thoughts tout suite. cheers! Great work!
Do you bring Adam in intermittently throughout the story? Love that Lincoln and Clay are both half black/half white.
Clay interrupts increasingly odd weather events as a sign from God that he can regain his power if he murders rising Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE. (very interesting)
Clay can’t accept the truth about his sister’s rape by black men, and his own half-black heritage. (Huh! Missed that in our scenes. Looking forward to reading those scenes)
As the two multi-verse worlds collide and, as a result, are dying, Clay finally realizes that there is another version of himself that has existed in another world – Black Leader Lincoln Able. (We’ve already learned that Lincoln is half white.) (Now I definitely have to read your whole script)
In the strings of the multi-verse, a new world is birthed that is free of racism. (This is a leap)
LAST PAGE: Another world is also birthed – one where white supremacist ADAM SPENCER is President. (Ah! very interesting. Cool idea)
If you ever do go back to church, you do it for you, not for me. (great line and conversation beautiful)
NUBIA Lincoln! Lincoln!! (wow)
Lincoln drives slowly, looking, searching… (excellent scene)
Lincoln still kneels in the street but — there’s no Nubia. Just an empty street and his still running car. He stumbles back to it, drives off. (hallucinogenic)
LINCOLN Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (great demonstration of the multi-verses)
EXT. STREETS HEADING INTO DOWNTOWN – NIGHT The cars tear through a downtown once fueled by cotton. Boarded up shops, derelict houses, and the near ghosts of that past that are all that’s left behind. (beautiful description. Can feel it)
Clay checks his rearview mirror, sees Lincoln’s car surging toward him. He casts his eyes ahead to see a huge
POTHOLE rapidly approaching. He swerves hard, too hard, loses control and rolls his car. In seconds, he’s out of it and running across a grassy plain toward the abandon mill. (nice! great logistics)
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room… (nice)
A SHIMMER PASSES… leaving Lincoln directly in Clay’s purview. Lincoln’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay. A sitting duck. (like this- very western)
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you. (On the nose)
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Hi Dev, sorry for the delay. I was finishing my first draft. I promise to study your scene tomorrow (monday) June
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thank you! You bet. I’m looking forward to reading your last scene. June
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absolutely. Ditto. Thanks.
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Hi Michael,
This is the first time I’ve had the opportunity to read your work and I wish I’d been following it. It’s an interesting premise and a “Breaking Bad” arc- as in, good guy turns very bad… I’m unsure of how much of this you’ve written, and how much is still in outline form, so please bear with me if I’m asking questions that are not relevant.
Mirror. In the first scene Waldo gets upset when he kills something. The story progresses to the end, when he’s thrilled at having decimated the entire planet. Why isn’t he upset that he has no place to go home? Why isn’t it a dual thrill and horror?
Reading just synopses, it’s hard to know if something has logistical issues or is just, by its nature, a summary that has to skip a lot. (I know that in the summary I did for my piece, many nuances are skipped over.) To reiterate, please ignore anything I say that’s covered but that space will not allow you to include.
Nonetheless, there seem to be a lot of gigantic leaps and I don’t know how your characters get there. I also have a few annoyingly small detail questions.
Waldo as child- would need a second pair of glasses to see if he uses his glasses as a magnifying glass.
I think that if Waldo invents an energy system, it will STOP global warming from worsening but will not end it. There’s a long half-life to the pollution we have and it will take many hundreds of years for our destroyed planet to recover from all of the damages we’ve inflicted on species, water, wind and the like.
When the foreign spy sabotages Waldo’s system, the feds would be on that . It’s an international incident and homeland security would be all over that.
act two
A If Waldo becomes a tycoon, it means that others buy and own his technology- that they have to manufacture parts, and the huge number of global participants have to understand how it works to make it happen. Waldo’s a busy guy. And he has to trust a lot of people to run his operations all over the globe.
Imelyna, is an altruist, so why does she become corrupt like Waldo? Unless you set it up before she and Waldo meet-
Waldo would be arrested and extradited no matter where he goes- unless he uses his money to buy his way out of everything.
B Not sure how Derek has come into the picture or how developed Waldo and Derek’s relationship is. It could be that Derek is an ally, a collaborator with Waldo who then slowly shows cracks in his facade to make Waldo suspicious. Also, if Imelyna breaks with Waldo, there must be scenes to show their fraying relationship. I’m assuming that you establish their love connection when she’s introduced.
So far, all of this seems like a lot to emotionally develop in a screenplay’s length of time. Although what I love most about your piece is Waldo’s persistent bounce between believing in something to to suspicion and disappointment- turning to evil.
Attacking a paparazzi isn’t as significant, in the scheme of things- it would blow over. Waldo works with thousands of people daily so why would a water and power serviceman come to his house at all? He works with so many wizards. And how does that scene build?
plot point two
Waldo’s lair is destroyed. Who is the spy? Does he work with other corporations, the US government, Other governments?
act three
Waldo has committed environmental crimes, and now petitions Imelyna to do the right thing. Is he still running from the law?
climax
Quite an ending. He might as well end it, because his infrastructure is toast, so his life is shattered, like the planet. He’s destined to die, like the rest, homeless and nutzo. but what happens when the Earth, lopped into two, drift away from the Sun? How is the space station, which orbits the Earth, to survive at all?
Final image
While maniacal laughter seems dramatic, more dramatic, to me, would be howls of pain, fear and agony- the same that the child experienced in the first scene.
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Yes. Thanks.
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Hi Cam, Thank you for your detailed notes, especially because, as a reviewer, you’re in demand! The questions that you have (and that I had for your work) just goes to show that we can’t turn on the last few minutes of our movies and get the contexts.
Marilyn and Kim know each other- Suzy knows Kim who was a patient at the hospital- Kim caused Roy to have a PTSD event earlier- who explained at that point partially why he’s tormented – all that, and much more, is too much to cover in a set up.
So I apologize. Cheers to you! And good wishes with your piece.
Thanks again, June
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Hi Dev,
AWE-SOME! location. Wow. The streaks of light through the roof, the door, the shimmers that momentarily light one of the characters- truly outstanding. Trippy lights. Light/dark- a terrific metaphor.
I could feel and smell the cold, the dirt, and feel the grit under my feet. Love that the sound bounces off of walls and seem to be omnidirectional & omnipresent. Also, the aging, no-longer needed mill is a great metaphor for these two leaders. Love the attention to detail.
The biblical quotes work well. The scene is a good old fashioned gunfight. I like many of your lines, such as “Stop. We need to talk” Nice contrast with “but those rash words sure can stir up a crowd” Nice beat after “Extinguish the flame, stop the fire” Love that Clay fires in every direction. “And I have to thank you for that” Great line. Great that Lincoln’s hands shake, which show a lack of, or a lesser hate.
I am not sure if the shimmers appear before they enter the mill, but they probably do, and as it stands, I think they should flash as they enter the mill. I think the light is because of them.
Although you stated early in the project that the shimmers are due to climate change, you may have changed your idea. I think that since you have a magical ending, the shimmers can be – not climate change – but ‘god’ or ‘wrath’ . Including, maybe, quotes from the bible about light and darkness- but maybe that’s too on the nose..
What to do to elevate this scene and knock it out of the ballpark?
I think that Lincoln could have a more distinct voice. Clay does, but Lincoln’s is a little generic. Mostly, I think that you can escalate the tension with things that push each character’s buttons and then have them react that way. For example, “It’s the weakness of your race” would certainly push my button, and cause an escalation in my response. OMG, yes- that oppression and entrenched ideology that’s impossible to stop…. vile. And the ‘white replacement theory” would be a big button pusher for Clay, I think. Not to mention his daughter’s pregnancy- miscarriage or not.
Currently, the scene is a cat and mouse game that’s about a rage level 5 and stays there. I think it should build to an explosion. Especially since Lincoln has second thoughts about killing and is pushed to it- live or die. I think the lines should ‘punch’ each other with each word and bring the bile into their mouths.
What is revealed here? that wasn’t already revealed or implied earlier in the script? The reveals should have major impact on the characters and on the audience.
All that said, I think it’s a terrific scene! And I’m delighted for you. June
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Hi Cameron- I hadn’t read your scenes in the last couple of rounds, so I wanted to catch up with your work. You’ve probably set things up prior to these scenes- so the questions I have might have been already answered. If so, please disregard my comments in those cases.
But here goes: Love the opening of the first scene- with the banging on the door like a heavy metal band.
I had a hard time visualizing the action and the layout in the first scene, such as: The worm slithers out from Isaiah’s bed- was that the sound of the glass shattering? Why isn’t Sully horrified? Why isn’t Sully worried that Isiah is already infected?
The worm is drawn to the banging on the door- why doesn’t it make a beeline for Sully and Isiah? Isn’t the goal of the worms to infect humans?
Sully carries his son into his room- Isiah’s room or Sully’s room? I didn’t follow how Isiah was carried into a room, but then they crouched behind the couch.
Although the visual of the worm crawling around Sully’s head will be horrifying, the logic is unclear. I don’t understand why Sully doesn’t grab the worm and smash it- instead of blowing on it-
Since I haven’t read your other scenes, I’m unclear about the fact that there’s a worm and there’s a host as two separate entities-
A big question I have is, Why does Jude bang on their door? Did she follow them? and if so, Did they know they were being followed?
Why does she want Sully and Isiah to go to her apartment?- it’s not safe there, either. I thought that it would be water-tight and somehow protected- but it’s just another apartment. Other than the gun, how is it that Jude can convince them to leave? Is she forcing them with her gun? Or do they think that her apartment is protected, and that she has great weapons? Or have they met Jude before and know her?
When Jude says “I see your little one is missing someone” how does she get that? Isiah doesn’t call for Mom in this scene. How does she know? And why doesn’t Sully call her out on that?
The description in the bloody hallway is great. I’m unclear as to why Sully calls Jude a ‘stable hand’ Cool yuk when the worm crawls into the corpse and it re animates.
The scene (s) in Jude’s apartment are easier to follow for me. Why does paint thinner act like a force field with the worms? Did Sully know that would happen? Did Jude? Not sure why Isiah is dumping thinner on the worms but not on the aliens- where are the aliens?
Geeze, I don’t know if this is helping you of just frustrating you and making you angry! If so, I <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>apologize profusely.
Isiah is using thinner on the worms- but they were his friends. How does he make this change? If it’s when his dad is threatened, then a word at that point from Isiah would help.
Jude tells the story of the young lady in her 20s who was, or feigned pregnancy. Not sure of the culture here, but it seems to me the rebels would rape her anyway..
Very cool fungal shoots coming out of the worm’s head. Your ideas are awesome and unique.
Not sure why Jude has a worm in an aquarium and why she burns it. is it to protect the boy? Even though she feels that they won’t get out of there alive.
When Jude says “I’m sick of you carting that boy around….” What dots does Sully connect? This is probably completely set up earlier…
Not sure why Jude burns her revolver. Jude’s death at the end is dramatic. Is this why she wanted Sully to go with her? If so, could she imply that earlier?
The story is intriguing and completely unique and cool. Fabulous. Keep going. June
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You’re incredibly kind! I quickly read your scene but will study it and make comments tomorrow. thank you for your encouragement.
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Kate, this is a great scene. There are many good things going on here. The characters are clear, have clear motivations and are richly defined. Excellent character development, well done.
I love the hairbrush as a symbol. The setting works great.
How about a compliment that Nia could give to Dad?
A couple of edits might add power to your scene. I think that the actors should fill the moments and am a strong believer in silences.
So I suggest that you could add to your scene by editing out the following lines and leaving the characters in silence. Here goes:
“I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.” ( Edit out. clear from a silence)
“You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak.” (I think it would be stronger if he just says “Get out of my house”
“I love you. You’re my dad. I just don’t know you. ” (I think that those lines could be cut and implied. And just go to “I want to help you”
And finally, “I don’t want to help the townspeople” I think it would be stronger if he just says,
“They’re the ones that need help”
Well done, Kate. Very impressive. Cheers, June
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Thank you! Kate for your encouragement. Yes, some of the challenges didn’t seem to fit. I’ll read your work tonight. cheers, June
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Hi Alice,
This is the first time I’ve read any of your scenes so I’m not quite sure of your premise- Your screenplay appears to be a futuristic story. I’m not sure of where it takes place, or of the time frame. Nonetheless, love stories and war stories are always intriguing and worthwhile, and Lena and the commander’s son are high level which makes them the characters to follow. Great.
I like that the scene starts with the commander’s son getting clocked and blacking out. It’s impressive that he wrests control after his capture. Great turnabout.
I like that the young captain appears to be a good guy but turns out to be a “climber” motivated by status. I’m unclear as to if you’re writing this in English, or writing in a different language and then using “google translate” or another translation app- which is messing up your rhythm, meaning, and your words and word order. Sucks, but it makes it difficult to read and sort out. I don’t know what I’d do about that. I think it’s amazing and rad that you’re working in two different languages. It’s hard enough to write! Much less write and translate. You go, girl.
Keep on. You may want to tighten up some parts and expand others in the scene you posted. I’d focus on the part where they hear the young captain’s voice and decide he’s OK. It seems too quick. How do they know? Maybe they should question him and he has a way to convince them. Otherwise, it seems like a plot to get the commander’s son.
And thanks for your kind words. (I only speak English, and you seem to be head and shoulders above that.) Good wishes! June
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Hi Dev, would you like to exchange? I’m always interested in reading your story. June
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Hi Anita,
I love the at-home location and set up- and the introduction to his wife and son. This is great insight into Cyrus by way of his home-life and enriches your script. Terrific.
The scene mentions that the son was mostly raised by Karen- because Cyrus is so detached. If so, this argument would’ve happened many times in the past, but it plays as if this is the first time they’ve confronted this issue. All three of the characters are at “10” and stay at that level. The dynamic could have a lot more variety and bounce.
Does Karen want to stay in this relationship for the goodies? Does she want Cyrus otherwise? Or
does she feel justified to spend too much to penalize the man who ignores her and is neglectful of Patrick? If this is an argument that has repeated, would Karen take another approach? For example, Cyrus is used to getting his way, he’s a controlling, power fiend so what if Karen’s attitude is that he’s just a marshmallow that she doesn’t take seriously? Likewise, Patrick. If they have a ‘who cares? blah blah blah” attitude, it would make Cyrus livid.
On the flip side- if Karen controls the home turf, would Cyrus feel he has to take a softer tone to appease his villagers? They attack him and back him into a corner? That would be a dramatic reflection on his gross behavior in court.
I love the addition to the script. Keep on with your important and interesting story. June
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Hi Anita, thanks for the thoughtful notes. You’re right about Suzy, she lost her zaz. I still have to study your piece. cheers- June
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Thank you! Absolutely. I’ll work on that tonight. cheers, June
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Hi Anita! Love to, thank you. I’ll work on that this evening. June. My post above is revised.
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Hi Anna, We can link on this site under members. I still have 40 pages to go and am nowhere near marketing it- as I know that when I send it out, I want it to be as good as I can possibly make it. But I’m impressed that you’re so close to the finish line. Good good wishes for you. I think your setting will be a huge advantage. June
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Hi Dev, wow scene. The shape of the scene is excellent- first, the pathetic pleas, then the reveal, the suck up, mom, and Clay’s snap, and finally, Emmy’s rant and turn back again to pleading. Beautiful and extremely well done!
As to subtext, the part that makes this scene work is of course, the hidden info (to Emmy) that Mom is dead, which immediately sets up two different ideas of reality. Fabulous.
To go down our list I find these things in your scene: Hiding something, Afraid to say, lying, luring, dramatic irony.
The beginning is very strong: the sad pleas from Emmy from the dark- an excellent situation. I don’t know if I can add much here except maybe a couple of questions:
What is Emmy hiding? Is she homeless? Did her friends desert her? Is she still with her boyfriend? How much is she laying on the suck up to get her way back?
Perhaps if she’s roaming around searching for Mom, calling out for Mom- more assertive as if she’s back- that might push Clay’s buttons- If she’s roaming the house, is there evidence of Clay’s killing? Would she spot it?
Ultimately, I think that the scene can be even stronger with editing but it’s excellent, and congratulations!
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Ditto, I love reading your work and will look at it in the next couple of hours. Thanks for the review and the encouragement. Good times to you!
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Hi Anna,
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. You’re right- Roy’s comment about the house needs more explanation- it’s a bit tooooo subtle. There are others who ask the same question- will Roy forgive her? So guess that’ll be part of my next scenes. Thanks again! June
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Hi Anna! There are so many cool things about your story, especially the setting and culture. it’s fun to explore this place no one else writes- it makes it unique.
The scene sets up subtext well. Rose’s ulterior motives are clear. And here’s how I think you hit all of the lessons: Plot: scheme and investigation. Characters: luring and lying, plotting and hiding, character traits: secretive, vengeful, deceitful, Scene design: a plot against another person.
I think that you can take more time to unspool this scene. By that I mean, add short exchanges to build the plot. Maybe a confidential, hush hush, convo between Bonnie and Sarah, intercepted by Rose who “offers to help.” Rose could set up the buddy stuff with a backwards ‘compliment’ about how Sarah did at the sweat lodge. ” for a weak city person” – to her face- not telling us but showing us.
Perhaps instead of the voice over, “she’s so done” Rose could call Suleman and tell him that he’s needed immediately, so he heads back. If Rose is really vicious, she could tell Suleman when he arrives that Sarah is in his office, and Rose doesn’t know why and tried to stop her.
The battle scene with the briefcase: if Sarah gets the briefcase open and Suleman thinks she grabbed something the scene would play differently and be more complex. Suleman, with a lot at stake, his license, for one, could take a more underhanded approach. I’m not sure if he knows that Sarah is an investigator. She’s a mental health worker, so she should have an answer as to why she’s looking for records- her patients, for example- and he could get her in trouble for breaking HIPAA rules. I’m not sure where this scene falls in your script. Maybe it’s at the end? so everything is disclosed already?
Feel free to discard any of the comments I’ve made that don’t resonate! I look forward to reading more of your neat culture. Cheers, June
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Hi Cam, did you get my comments? I don’t see them in the feed… (I posted them yesterday.) Anyway, in case you didn’t, here’re my comments. Congratulations! June
My comments: Cameron’s final scene comments by June F
Hi Cameron, Powerful scene!!! Wow. Well done.
1 Good strong motivations for all of your characters.
2. I didn’t read your egg extraction scene but that must be rough! With extreme dramatic potential.
3) The set up for this scene (battle scene, right?) is great.
4) the world, with the recordings broadcasting is excellent. 5) the gun still
attached to Markus’ hand WOW.
To address the specific Subtext lessons/mastery:
I’m looking at our lists, but it seems to me that your scene is straight ahead, and that the previous hiding is uncovered, but not happening at this moment. This is the point by point reveal- and I can’t find the subtext. Is it the contrast between the broadcast and the lies papering the floor? If so, perhaps write and interlace the broadcast to add dimension to the reveals. Is it the officer who persists spouting his mantra? If so, perhaps Marcus can recite it, too, while he slices the arm off of the Officer. Sully says, “you don’t owe them my son’s life” How can you twist that? Because the Officer also has a life. Who’s life is valuable and whose is not? If Markus comes to the decision IN THIS SCENE- BEFORE OUR EYES- then he would come in believing the rhetoric and pick up pictures- maybe of his own son. As the scene plays, people say what they mean and what they intend. I still think it’s a powerful scene. cheers.
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Cameron’s final scene comments by June F
Hi Cameron, Powerful scene!!! Wow. Well done.
1 Good strong motivations for all of your characters. 2. I didn’t read your egg extraction scene but that must be rough! With extreme dramatic potential. 3) The set up for this scene (battle scene, right?) is great. 4) the world, with the recordings broadcasting is excellent. 5) the gun still attached to Markus’ hand WOW.
To address the specific Subtext lessons/mastery:
I’m looking at our lists, but it seems to me that your scene is straight ahead, and that the previous hiding is uncovered, but not happening at this moment. This is the point by point reveal- and I can’t find the subtext. Is it the contrast between the broadcast and the lies/truth papering the floor? If so, perhaps write and interlace the broadcast to add dimension to the reveals. Is it the officer who persists spouting his mantra? If so, perhaps Marcus can recite it, too, while he slices the arm off of the Officer. Sully says, “you don’t owe them my son’s life” How can you twist that? Because the Officer also has a life. Who’s life is valuable and whose is not? If Markus comes to the decision IN THIS SCENE- BEFORE OUR EYES- then he would come in believing the rhetoric and pick up pictures- maybe of his own son. As the scene plays, people say what they mean and what they intend. I still think it’s a powerful scene- cheers.
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Hi Cam,
Thanks so much for the thoughtful (and enthusiastic) review. You’re right. I should’ve set it up better. Leading up to these scenes, Kim has a meltdown, so Roy convinces her to go to Atlantic City to brighten her mood. They do. In AC, Kim and Roy connive their way onto the bumper cars for free, and then steal a box of salt water taffy. So when Kim says it’s a stupendous day, she means it. And she sincerely means to make Roy happy with the 1,2,3 song, but it goes terribly wrong. I’ll make sure I post this stuff above. Happy writing! and thanks again. June
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Hi, sure! June
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Hi Anita, thank you! for the close read and encouragement. I decided that I’ll cut the top part of that scene in the gym- so that Kim’s in the hall when the barracuda and sheepish desk attendant find her. I read what I have so far and feel I need to start editing as my romance is taking too long to develop. And you’re right- I shouldn’t be using exclusive restaurants without explaining them (Fugo is THE MOST EGREGIOUSLY expensive steak house in Philly but all the tourists are directed to go there) The swim scene- this is her second visit and how she ends up wandering the halls of the Bellevue. She and Roy will find each other again there. yes and good note about the ‘villagers’ as in – yes Roy schmoozes with everyone so why hasn’t he met Marilyn?
thanks for the great exchange. June
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Hi Anita,
Dana did a very thorough review of your piece. I don’t know how much I can add. I think the scene works. It’s eerie.
Boldness criteria:
Starting with eyes blink open- it would’ve helped me to read “Dani’s eyes” although the previous scene probably takes care of that. Eyes blink implies energy.
Are the lids heavy? stuck together? Does she wake with panic? of “where am I? ” Of nausea?
A lightening bolt of pain? (I think that the emotional descriptions can be heightened)
As I read it, your overall dynamic is:
stunned, on fire, and weak Dani,
contrasted with bland and hazy room,
contrasted with vibrant alive daughter.
It’s a great mix. Three strong elements that you can sharpen to repel each other.
I think you can allow yourself to push the descriptions to be more emotional, as that is what this scene is- emotional and personal.
For example, how does it feel to stand on those legs?
I love “the nattering newsperson” It’s a clear and absolutely identifiable experience of anyone who’s visited a hospital. I wasn’t sure that Dani hadn’t actually met her daughter, or if her confusion was from coming of surgery- but obviously the story previously told makes it clear.
Exaggeration, metaphor and comparison seem to be something to write into your next pass although the ford line is there.
Hope fear is there- I think that the hope part of the surgery can be amplified and it will intensify the horror of discovering whose liver she got at the end.
I know that the daughter’s name is Harley, but I don’t understand the Ford joke. That too, is probably previously set up.
Based on this scene, I’d say that the genre is thriller.
Somehow, I want more for this scene- more depth- but I think it’s a chiller and well thought out. congratulations! I’m nowhere near writing the end of my script. June
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Sure. (I also posted late.) cheers, June
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Hi Kate, Thanks for your notes. My scenes (Retirement) come at the end of the first act, so your questions are resolved earlier- but you couldn’t know that! The pool scene is focused on KIm and the man is there to show that she doesn’t play- which makes it all the more extraordinary when she develops a love relationship with Roy. Tara is a secondary nurse and Suzy is a main character who lived with Roy and finally booted him out- only to have him return, crumpled, in her hospital unit. She is currently on a date with someone else. The cars- Kim stole Suzy’s car first, swapped her parking ticket for Marilyn’s. So Kim has temporary custody of Marilyn’s car and she parked Suzy’s car in the same lot earlier. It was found by police, earlier.
I don’t know the title of your screenplay! I’ve read your scene a couple of times. Here’re a few comments- as always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate for you.
I like the idea of a small, farm, natural based community. I like that this community has built itself around that concept. I like the metaphor that, like the rest of the planet- we are turning our beautiful green earth into a dump and that is a death. So thanks for adding to the literature of green is life and breath. I’ve been an environmentalist since the Carter years. Yea, you.
To me, the setting is a conflagration of community center and church hall and not 100% clear as to what it is, despite the physical descriptions. It’s more interesting to me to learn, not about the tables and exact foods on the tables, which tend to lose meaning, but what this hall represents as a central gathering place for, presumably, as long as the town has existed. I think the descriptions can be edited, and focus put onto the meaning- such as “a comfortable old shoe,” or “a place rife with baptism and bullets” – however this place feels to the community.
Cam mentioned that Bill exits- I read your piece a couple of times and it does state that Bill exits- and then he speaks again.
I understand the confusion. A rule in filmmaking to always follow is that every name must begin with a different letter. Never use a beginning letter for more than one character unless you want confusion, as in, a comedy “Sadie 1, Sadie 2, Sadie 3” .
When a film is shot, the continuity person (and everyone else) abbreviate names in notes using just the first initial of the character.
I also have a lot of characters, so I keep a list by my computer to choose new names. To control this in final draft, select TOOLS at the top, go to SMART TYPE- there you’ll see the ability to control, change and create new character names- and also locations, and the rest of the actions that you need. If final draft has a name you no longer want- you can delete it there.
For your scene: I understand the dynamic of the scene as follows: Lucianna is the mayor. She doesn’t own land, so I’m not sure how she can be Mayor- often there are rules about this, but maybe not in this town. My concern is that she isn’t a forceful leader and until I read that she’s the mayor- I thought she was just one of the citizens with inside knowledge.
Bob is a fighter, and Bill is on the other side.
Then there’s the person who’s listening without being seen.
It seems to me that people in the community echo Bob and Lucianna, and therefore the group conversation becomes a kind of monologue. Because it’s a run of one line each, it loses the punch that, for example, Lucianna would have or Bob would have to argue with Bill.
I think that you can greatly intensify the conflict by sticking it to a heated convo between Lucianna, who I think is your protagonist, and Bill. It is currently an expository scene of ‘we got this letter and he has a permit’ but if you sound the alarm- I appreciate that you’re all taking time in your busy evening- but this is an emergency “Attention. This is dangerous. This man wants to take and poison our land and we must rise up. VS- Bill’s argument of: You are all simple. You’re losing your livelihoods anyway so sell and save yourselves.
Focus the argument on the a fight to the death of the best way to live and the scene will catch fire. Just my opinion, though. I could be full of hooey. Good wishes, June
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Hi Anita, wow, Dani’s problem is a big one. Ooofa! You have a great set up and it’s awesome that she doesn’t know that Cyrus knows about her baby.
(As always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate with you. )
I love the descriptions of the courtroom: the “Dark chocolate laced with desperation”- nice line! and “Implements of war” excellent. I like the dank feeling of the room but they go on long, and start to read like a novel. in general, I want to know about the other people in the room- Who are they? Does she feel awkward? The intensity of eyes on the back of her head? Are any supporters? Foes? Press?
You’ve set up the emotional situation excellently. I think you can explore a couple of things to, as you mentioned, ‘cut the density” and to make way for more exchanges/power punches.
Dani’s co council can be utilized for private/strategizing discussions. This is an emotional and hormonal event for Dani- so put her in the hot seat.
How can you do that? Misogynist judge. Rude comments behind her. Irritating co-counsel. Amp up the tension. Set up a time clock.
Dani’s emotions might go up and down. Let Dani misstep and rise again. This is your battle scene and so weapons should be fired in both directions. Maybe Dani’s co-counsel is frightened… Cyrus, too, has his other judges to converse with, so the dynamics in the room can expand.
How much of a back and forth exchange can you get away with? I want to see Cyrus and Dani go head to head, and I would like to see Dani triumph. There is a lot of back and forth at the end of “A few Good Men” with Tom Cruise/Jack Nickelson. They got away with a focus on dialogue. Is it possible to do that in this piece?
BTW, The statistics you state of abortion death to giving birth, colonoscopy, etc are impressive, Also impressive and generally unknown is how limiting the abortion window causes far more abortions. These are great amo. Why are they stated all together on boards? I suggest that you separate them, and use each fact as a weapon to zing in there as counter arguments.
The rest of the information Dani discusses is well trod- so those arguments don’t have enough power and water down your scene. They feel expositional. I think the key here is editing: For example the graph starting with TRUTH:
“The TRUTH? WHY would a woman terminate a pregnancy? To protect the child from a life of misery. Deformity. Hunger. Poverty. Physical abuse. Drug addiction. Abortion is never a first choice- but it’s a LEGAL choice that women make to spare a new life a copy of the horrific existence that they themselves live.”
What else does Dani do to rise above the fray? Could she bring wire coat hangers into the courtroom? Could she show pictures of a woman who almost died of sepsis due to a botched abortion?
Can she have even more insight about the judge- his wife, for example- that she can insinuate? Her goal should be to throw Cyrus off-balance. When she talks about her ‘personal experience’- of course, she’s referring to the one with him- So go straight on and nail him with it. “A sperm does not make a person a father. A commitment makes a father… and (go for his throat)
I know it’s a courtroom scene, the formality doesn’t play. Go for the jugular, tighten and cut.
Last comment, I’m really disappointed that Dani passes out! I’m not sure what the intent is, or what happens next- but I wanted her to kick that bill out of chamber.
Good wishes! You’ve got a lot of great material here. June
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Thank you! Dev for the kind words. I’ll have to think on the swim scene, as I got a couple of comments on that one- There are a lot of scenes at the Bellevue (aka gym) to follow so it sets that up- but I’ll have to think about why it sticks out. The Marilyn scene sets up her need for a great house sitter (she gets stuck in the hospital) and her need ultimately solves Roy and Kim’s problem of residence- because zit faced Connor is not a reliable kid. Sorry for the explanations, though. Maybe I’ll do a synopsis for the next posting? Thank you for your careful reading. good wishes. June
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Sure, I’ll be happy to. Ditto I’d love your comments. June
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Hi Cameron, thank you! for your encouraging words. You’re right, I should’ve set up the scenes- because this section happens at the end of the first act- after a lot of action explains this stuff. I’ll go back and edit, set things up and more clearly label the time of day. Good wishes! June
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HI Dev, We’ve been following each other’s work, so I thought I’d send comments- Great scene. Good tension, good surprises, believable reactions, good twist and sets up a future. 1) cleaning up the debris- Why isn’t Hannah sneaking looks/watching from the window? Would Emmy offer to help and get pushed away? It seems to me that Clay would take his confused, angry, frightened emotions out on anyone nearby. He seems too passive. 2) Perhaps lay in a threat of unforeseen consequences of banishing Emmy- and lay that into subtext. 3) To Emmy, Hannah’s betrayal (inaction and cowardice) would be horrifically stinging. I think a reaction to mom would heighten the tension. Often, in this kind of scene, it’s impossible to eat food and this, too, could be an Emmy reaction, aka, I don’t want your food, I don’t want anything from you… I have to say that my reaction to this and your previous scenes make me feel that the antagonist/opponent is not Lincoln but Adams. Nice work, Dev. June
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Hi Cameron,
I love the setting- the snake-like lines (like the ones at an airport) The opening line is great. My comments are ‘picky’ but as usual, trash what I say that doesn’t resonate with you. I like the set up and the idea of this scene. I think that it can be condensed and if so, will have far more power, but it’s a great idea and a crucible. Also, the question is (and I have this for my script) how much screen time do I want for each scene? Often, the less time, the better- when it comes to exposition. Okey dokey, here goes:
2) Mom looks for child: Instead of description- write the dialogue and also, the crowd would be jostled out of the way as she frantically searches. It is a good foreshadowing of your other parts of the story. 3) Soldiers above- good external threat but it’s description. What if a child/someone sees them and whispers? A general fear would raise the tension significantly. If they don’t know, it doesn’t impact the action. 4) Apollo’s line: “I don’t know where the guy who gave a hand….” It’s hard to read and even harder to speak aloud. Rewrite and condense? Can you lay a threat under it? More fear? Suspicion? 5) Apollo’s following line would have more impact if tightened. 6) Subtext throughout seems to be missing as well as underhanded intentions. Does one character know what the other doesn’t? The scene seems to be expositional. 7) Less description and more subtext, dialogue and action will make this scene have power. What do these characters not know about each other? Maybe they have different opinions of the man they commonly know from the hometown?8) What can one of them lie about? 9) The scene sets up the unknown well. I do understand that this scene is the story in progress, and you’ve probably set up a lot of these things earlier. Good work and cool setting. June
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Yes, sounds great.
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Great scene, Dev.
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Yes, so sorry. Thanks!
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Hi Anita, Intriguing and disturbing piece. As always, discard the comments I make that don’t resonate.
I think that the first part is well written. The concept is a great hook. The scene in the kitchen is believable and natural. I was surprised that the child actually goes to the game. I thought she’d hang out in the garage or in her room- just to escape her parents’ gaze.
There are some “well”s that are redundant.
The dialogue gets expositional and inactive when the parents meet with the school counselor. The genetic backstory might be important to your story overall, but it’s off topic to the immediacy of the scene- which is- this is a dangerous and volatile situation. The child is potentially a walking time bomb- already demonstrating cruel behavior which will escalate. Cruelty to animals, if proven, is a crime and will be prosecuted. And the school is not issuing any threats such as she’ll be expelled, she’ll have a police record, and she’ll be forced to see a shrink. She’ll be taken from you.
The counselors ‘suggest’ that the child might see a shrink- whereas they would need to insist that the parents confront the child and insist on therapy. The explanations of what it could be- while the child has not been definitively proven to be the perp- is not the gear that turns this wheel- because it greatly slows the action and is expository.
The weakness on both sides makes the scene implausible because there’s no adamant directive and no pushback. At least one side has to be strong- or the scene falls flat. Optimally, both sides would have strong povs and the scene would become heated and emotional on both sides. You have created an awesome situation here- so I think you can thrill audiences with a sharp and emotional scene.
The turnabout at the end by the child makes the parents look so incompetent that it would be hard for a viewer to figure out who might arrest this situation going forward. The antagonist to the child has not yet been introduced. And the child is so placid, that, despite the great set up, and obviously demonic underpinnings- – the story feels listless- and that nothing will happen at all.
I think you’re a good writer and that you can sharpen this with emotional bite and make it fly off the page. There’s plenty of time to explain what’s going on with the girl’s condition – but what I think is needed is immediacy on the parts of all the characters. Good wishes, always. June
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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Hi Anita, I’ve been looking for your script but the site is hard to find thing- will keep looking and thanks a bunch for your review. June
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Hi Anita,
PS If you have a couple of minutes: What lost you in the jail scene? Do the scenes convey that it was Roy’s plan to go there? Does the scene convey that Roy is teaching the kid how not to be/aka drugs? Does the scene communicate that Roy changes his plan and now thinks being in a hospital is a better retirement idea? Thanks so much for your thoughts and good luck with your work. June
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Thank you for reading! Looks like I’ll have to reconsider that scene. I’m looking forward to reading your work. cheers, June
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Thank you!
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Hi Anna, Thanks for your comments on Retirement. Here’re my thoughts for Silent Night- and as always, discard anything I write that doesn’t resonate…
First off, the premise is, of course, very sweet, and I love the kid you cite as the star- Woody Norman- so cute. The situation is compelling and the village/town location is a welcome treat.
I think the descriptions need to be edited a lot, because reading this is more like reading a short story and it’s expository. It also seems like serial and disconnected actions rather than an arena that’s intertwined.
For example- what if Dylan is worried as he leaves school when he sees that the harassing kids are whispering to Elizabeth? Then she gives them a little shove in Dylan’s direction and they taunt Dylan? This gives her more power, and the kids are pawns.
Also, I don’t believe that kids would taunt someone for not having a mom- but I do think that Dylan’s muteness would be a target. It’s not necessary to reveal everything at once. The kids personalities have to be developed and motivated, too
The bakery- while you have lots of descriptions of the town, the inside of the bakery and Dylan’s immediate actions are missing. For example- what if he dives behind the counter at Micky’s feet, and hides his face with a pastry box- so when he stands- he’s still covering his face with it?
The dialogue in the trash bin can be edited so that it’s far more direct and emotionally connected. Such as, the sound of thrashing below him- Dylan screams in his head “rats!” “Mom! Dad!”
I think you’ve got a fine structure and a sweet setup which can be greatly enhanced with editing and with more actively engaged emotions, desires and personalities- and if you show the compounding difficulties Dylan faces on top of what he’s already trying to shoulder. (like getting a stinky dog out of the trash and sneaking him home with the boys are on the prowl.) All good tidings and I look forward to reading more. June
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Hi Kate,
Thanks for your notes/feedback on Retirement. Why Roy doesn’t get hurt- yeah- I have an idea for that, thank you- it was bothering me, too, and I’ll change the script. Leaving the poo in Suzy’s bathroom- I don’t think “when” matters and I want him to leave more than an open window but a nice ‘surprise’ for the landlord. Yes, in an old vehicle (not the type with a button and fob), a screwdriver was the go- to ignition starter for car theft. What Tyrone says- really, all of the things you pointed out are things I worried about so I’ll reconsider his dialogue.
I read both versions of your script. As always, toss what I comment that doesn’t resonate for you.
First, I love the location, the beat up bus, and the troupe of actors speaks to my nostalgic past. It’s poetic and leans on the magical. What a fun journey you promise. I think your v2 improves the lyricism and vision. I personally think that it’s not necessary and might be detrimental to note that Nia is half Black and half White. You’ll limit your choices, and unfortunately, people will take umbrage – as in- she may identify as Black etc. I think the dreads tell the reader all one needs to know.
I have three concerns about the scene: 1. There seems to be no subtext. It’s cute, it’s sweet, the relationship is kind- but the dialogue is expository. Just being there is the launch into a marvelous adventure- so what’re the layers?
I’m not sure if the line “even if your imagination is out of hand” is in v2 but it’s on the nose- and it would be fun to hear Nia thinking her visions aloud- not just play quotes.
2. Ads for actors: Shaun is obviously a great guy, kind- but what are his quirks?- mannerisms? – rhythms? you want to highlight? Like, Shaun, always has to be the strong one but …. etc What is unique and vulnerable about him for the introduction? Likewise Nia. What’s bold and unique?
3. Yes we’re in this amazing place, and the characters are sweet- but which way are we going? Is there a horrific monster lurking? Are there bandits or other dangers? What’s your genre? And what compels us to have to watch?
Sweet start, Kate. all good wishes, June
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Hi Dev, I’m grateful your helpful comments and careful reading. I added the sluglines (thanks!) you noted and adjusted the dialogue the mentioned- especially about the drugs in jail- although I’m staying with the lengths for now. “Wax the sashes” means the windows are hard to raise – window sashes- Basically Roy’s is busting on the landlord.
good wishes!
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Wonderful! Well done, Dev. June
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Hi and thanks Cameron, Anita, Dev, Kate and Anna,
This is a THIRD revised version of Retirement- Thanks for your helpful notes and careful readings. June
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he
sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (CONT’D) (spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I’m not as patient as Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back
ROY
Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY
Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of shit on the floor.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, swerves and pulls over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY (CONT’D)
That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY (CONT’D)
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo tent in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY (CONT’D)
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY (CONT’D)
Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at
Tyrone. The other two, SKANK and BUTTROT are nervous, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK
Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE
(to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY
No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE
(to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE (CONT’D)
Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY
Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE
I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (CONT’D) (to Pukeface)
Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy)
I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY
I took a car, too.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which supposedly holds something to eat.
GUARD
Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD (CONT’D)
Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY
Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY (CONT’D)
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY (CONT’D)
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets agitated and starts yelling.
SKANK
Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY
Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY
(feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT
(howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK
Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE
Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD
You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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Hi Dev, Since we exchanged previously, I had to read your scene, so I thought I’d send some comments.
I love that the movie starts at a rally. I think it’s brilliant- the metaphor of the blown away cotton candy and the ripped flag excellently foretell Clay’s situation. I also like that it sets up the climate issues immediately. I think it’s a great start, and the scene can benefit with editing. As always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate.
Clay’s intro: you describe his more conservative clothes, but what’s more important is describing his demeanor. Confident? Insecure? Cocky? A man who’s always been in control? How can his description compel an A-lister to MUST HAVE that role?
An announcer can introduce Clay as “the grand dragon of our illustrious Klan”- so that might be a more active way to get this info across without Clay having to say what the crowd already knows.
I think your descriptions can be turned to lines/dialogue. For example- instead of describing how the wind dies down and how Clay feels that it was the Lord- how about if the wind dies down and Clay says – as his first line something like- “The Lord has quelled the winds for ….” etc Then I think you can jump right to “This is my country!” (silence) “That is my flag!” (audience shuffles, coughs) The audience reactions can be one or two words. Otherwise, all of the description not only slows the pace- but give the effect of a short story rather than screenplay.
When Clay talks about the red on the flag, it can be direct- “That red there… ” Clay’s voice and his particular use of words compared to others can be established here. Who is this guy and how does he use words that are so out of fashion compared to the young Adam?
I think there’s an opportunity to show the chemistry between Adam and Clay- If Adam heckles with sass almost from the get-go- like as soon as Clay takes the stage – it will create a push/ pull dynamic. Clay will have to up his game about his definition of what the Klan is- and Adam can jump onto the stage and show that he’s the new face- he’s the new voice- go away old man- The action/reaction- push/pull will drive Clay to take action. It will also establish Adam’s personality.
BTW, it’s windy here! so we’re feeling it! good wishes, June
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Hi Cam, thanks for your thoughtful and encouraging comments. I will have to seriously consider how to manage the toilet issues. I hadn’t intended the scene to be funny- but rather a demonstration of how wild Roy can get- and his need to provoke the others to break his bones and send him to a hospital. I also wanted to show the effects of opium withdrawal – which causes severe diarrhea and abdominal cramps. But luckily, most people have never seen the astounding sight that I cannot ‘unsee’- which was a toilet stall in a 5-star hotel (20 years ago!) where somebody had an explosion that covered the walls and even part of the ceiling. I mean, how was that even humanly possible? At the entrance of the stall stood two supervisors who showed a poor houseman the job. There he stood with his bucket- no gloves, no mask- and with a terrified face. OMG- My heart still goes out to him. And what they made him do all by himself- without protection! was so unethical. Yeah, but maybe it needs to back off 🙂 thanks again, June
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Hi Cameron, I thought I’d comment since I just posted my scene. Very nice launch into the story! Great starting in motion.
I love the acid rain descriptions and colors- I cannot visualize “a facility”
The ‘staplers’ would be “nail guns” and perhaps it’s more practical to shoot the spaceman’s suit? since the helmet is – well- those would be some long nails and a powerful tool! Lots of juice.
What does Isiah scream as they run? I think you can develop what he says- and establish the chemistry by adding Isiah dialogue and setting up his character with it.
The line “they’re almost ready to hatch” is expository but can be made active by issuing a direct order to Isiah instead. That will also aid the chemistry.
I don’t understand why Sully pleads with the kid. In this life and death situation I think a Dad would be far more forceful- something along the lines of “I WILL save you now get moving. NOW!” And then later he could soften.
All told, excellent work. Keep going- you’ve painted the situation. June
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Hi Arthur,
Thanks for the encouragement and positivity. Good notes. Yes, I intend to have Suzy’s pov on Roy, and want to create a confrontation with the brother before the end. Thanks for the reminders. Good wishes with your work and grazie again. June
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Hi Arthur, Well done. you certainly know space adventures and all of your tech details are impressive. For sure this genre is a winner. Here are some comments. Take what you can use, and toss the rest. Cheers, June
Concept: I think you can simplify the logline to read more easily. The phrase “coronal mass ejection of the sun” is redundant (coronal and sun are the same thing.) If one is scanning, this might also read as another word. Is there another way to say it, such as “”solar eruption”?
Dilemma This is a conflict but the time element is only part of a dilemma. A dilemma is something with two bad choices: such as: When she’s in charge, Ryan keeps the crew from tearing each other apart. If she goes to the moon, the remaining crew will waste time arguing about whose method is best, but if she doesn’t go, they will not retrieve the reactor in time to save the planet. (Also, you’d have to make arrangements for rights with Tesla, or perhaps you’re thinking about Tesla as a funding source?)
Theme Humanity as a group is larger than the sum of its parts. I find this hard to understand and vague. What about humanity? The wisdom of all of humanity? The collaboration of all of humanity?
Mid-Point We saw this sling-shot maneuver in The Martian and even though Star Trek coined the term, people will see it as an appropriation of a recent film.
Climax With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. (Seen in Space Cowboys) Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. (This would be a very emotional moment. One would have to avoid making it cloying/sappy) Overall, very dramatic
Resolution Explore for the next 90 days? Also, it occurs to me that the one-ish event of this movie is not enough for audiences of this genre. This genre demands event after event- with increasing difficulties. If you compressed the previous to the first half of the film, you could make this call from NASA not congratulatory, but angry. NASA might not understand what they did- and consider their staying as a breech of orders.
8. Nico’s Quarters The martial arts skills should come into play later in the movie.
13. Skyler’s Quarters I understand that you’re introducing the characters, but this is a purely expository sequence- one scene after another- and will greatly delay the pace of your story and therefore interest. These scenes should intercut quickly, and if possible, happen prior to page 10 where establishing the world takes place. Also, I caution about the typical descriptions per race, such as the super-smart Asian- Ukrainian Mechanical engineer (Star Trek) etc.
20. Command Module It appears that the crew didn’t have time to evacuate even if they’d wanted.
34. Montage The lights of the world go out: BLACKOUT. cool visual
45. Reliant Generally at this point, a relaxation and more personal moments of crew gathering happens after a huge event for two reasons- the previous scenes were tense and heightened- and this takes the tension down so that it can build even higher in the next wave.
47. Engineering Vodka is a cliche`
62. Observation Deck <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>We discover Chase and Nico have a relationship. You could establish this also when each is calling family, and one pops in on the other to have a private discussion about the risks.
76. shuttle and other flashbacks I don’t understand why the flashbacks are here. They hold up the pacing.
80 Shuttle Great visual.
85. Moon/shuttle Wow
87. Shuttle How? They walk?
140 Command Module At this point the script needs more than action. It needs an emotional, personal scene which creates a dilemma and could endanger the mission. Otherwise, we’re just watching people at work under a time crunch.
143 Montage series How does the crew have time to review personal videos?
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Hi Dev,
Nice development and thank you for asking me to have a look at this go around. First off- throw out what doesn’t work for you and it might be everything I write. I could be dead wrong or maybe something I write will trigger you to think of solutions.
I’ve been trying to figure out how a multiple reality is established for a film. I like that you’ve got a lot of flickering and that’s helpful- but no flicker snaps a new reality fully into place until the final scene or maybe I missed it.
I read someone else’s response to your outline, and was somewhat relieved that he, too, missed the concept at first. You have an incredibly tricky challenge to make the alt realities clear. The other reviewer suggested cutting back and forth and I think that’s an excellent idea although cutting back and forth in film could also just signal showing parallel lives simultaneously.
But here’s the thing- and please bear with me- at the climax, Cain and Lincoln realize that they are just the alt version of the other. Why do they have to change lives at all? What’s the advantage, since they both proceed in the same ways to the same fates? In fact, I think that the life switching creates more questions than are answered.
What knowledge does Cain gain by living Lincoln’s life? and if he learns of Lincoln’s humanity and love of family and expectant child, and of how abrasive it is to live in America as a black man– then why wouldn’t he try to negotiate a ceasefire?
Your Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete. I wonder if this is possible to explain, except- that- if your ‘conceit’ (and by that I mean- the special way we view your film)- toggles back and forth fully- (not just a flick but full in) in various times/realities all the way through then this popping forward could work- especially if we see clips of the end reality early in the film. I suggest that you consider taking the film medium to the max and go for it. You have the power to jump all around, and to show things simultaneously, and even backwards. You can repeat. You can warp. You create the rules of this universe.
This would help to create a fabric of the many realities simultaneously. It is the world because you say it is the world from the beginning-climate or not. In one reality, the two could kill each other, in another reality they would both live. Same with the poor dead wives.
Your story has so much depth and heart- and you’ve added a lot to it, so it’s worth pursuing this. I like the added details of the daughter.
Here are a few practical questions for this visual medium that may help you to solve the riddle: 1) Does the same actor play both roles? 2) Do the characters remember who they are? or do they proceed as they would’ve without knowing? 3) Do their families know/ or see any differences? 4) Do their mannerisms change? 5) What about the possibility of cognition, and, after a near miss, snapping out of that reality to realize that Cain almost killed himself? 6) What captured you to have to write this story? 7) Why does it end with that reality disappearing and 8) could that reality flick back again?
I think that the real dramatic question is- will the grand dragon assassinate himself? And the answer is, yes. But, does he know?
Dilemma- He can’t stop because… Does Cain change his mind and want to stop?
Inciting incident and page 10 It might be more dramatic if the cross shows up on his lawn first, and then he learns why- that his daughter is pregnant with a black baby. It would force him to save face among his haters and show that he can be cruel.
Mid point- I’m a bit confused that Caine accuses his wife of having an affair w a black man since he’s the black man now and ?
I like that Caine has a different idea of who is in the Klan and how it’s changed. I like that he decides to teach Elijah his craft but, since this kindness doesn’t stick what has he learned?
Act II 2 basement: Has Cain turned to Lincoln at this point? 7. Lincoln at the nurse’s station- It appears that Hannah grabs him but it’s Nubia- Is Lincoln becoming Cain at this point? are the universes flipping fast like flickering lights? 14 & 15 very dramatic. 22 Nubia thinks Lincoln is losing it. Cool. But is anyone other than Caine and Lincoln aware of the flipping universes? 26 Very dramatic revelations.
Act III The last scene will be a hard call to pull off as is. It’s a dramatic and abrupt switch.
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Hi Anna,
Thanks for your thoughtful critique and supportive words.
Ha! I am American and this takes place in Philadelphia, PA USA. Although we here in Philly are somewhat like aliens…. Humm, maybe I shouldn’t name actual businesses in this area- such as WAWA, which is like a 7-11, or a convenience store. Pyro is what the person on a film set who’s in charge of setting explosives, fire special effects, etc. is titled. When the landlord shows up, Roy slips out the window and jacks their van- then rams it into a Wawa. Marilyn doesn’t know that Kim has stolen/swapped her ticket. Legit theatre means live theatre as compared to movie theatre/cinema. The balcony with the pipes is an actual place where a homeless person lived in the Bellevue for 6 months before he was caught. I used to work events there and once in a while hung lights from the balcony rail. It was a serious trip hazard, and the floor had years of dust on it. The room it overlooked was a gorgeous meeting room and party space. It was over a room used as a conference and party room. Suzy is Marilyn’s nurse and she’s a little too kind, and a fixer type- hence the reason Roy mooched off of her for so long. She wants Roy settled so that he doesn’t come back. But I agree that it might stretch credulity a bit and am still thinking about that one.
Thank you for your kindness, and it’s especially appreciated since you understand so much about mental health. All good wishes. June
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Hi Anna,
Brilliant. I love it. Keep going, you’ve got a sale in your future. cheers. June’s response to Silent Night by Anna Harper
Clearly YA (young audience), I love this story. It’s sweet and has deep heart.
Here are a few notes I took along the way: You describe Elizabeth as “evil” It’s a cliche` way of looking at an opponent. Elizabeth would have to have a convincing ‘nice’ act or she’d never weasel her way into Steve’s world or her job at the school. It’s just word choice, really- such as “a veneer of homespun super nice with a dark and threatening undercurrent… “
Love the description of Dylan’s character as illusion of safety in silence, and an illusion of closeness to his dead mother, It’s deep.
Good dramatic question. I wonder if it’s 100% complete, as the question seems to be- will he learn to accept being alive after his mom has died. It also comes with a loaded question inevitably we all feel guilt when someone dies- why does Dylan feel guilt? Will he learn how to
live in a world where people ask horrible questions?
Alfie presents him with a shocking invasion into his silent world with two-way telepathy, thus (great) the beginning of an unwilling break in his silence. The dramas in Dylan’s life gradually force a coming out of the cocoon. (brilliant)
Elizabeth Perkins the teacher returns to her schoolroom and dialogues with her mirror. Placeholder rap song. re her enjoyment of her dark side. (funny. Very Disney style)
Alfie bathes and feeds Alfie. (typo. Dylan bathes and feeds Alfie.) Steve dumps Elizabeth. (that happened quickly)
Elizabeth locks Daisy in the basement. (obviously, you’ll add scenes to lead up to this. It comes out of nowhere in the outline and strains credulity- but I suspect you’ve got a plan for this)
Dylan speaks for the first time in two years to help Daisy. (great. What does his father make of this? scenes will be added here, no doubt)
Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school, He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home. (who does Steve have the appointment with? and how did this come about? is Elizabeth advocating to get rid of Dylan, even though Steve dumped her? Elizabeth behind the scenes discussions with school admins. Also, Dylan has spoken again- so why send him to a special school? He’s improving…)
Big question: drawings and whines and barks until Steve looks at them. (Does the audience hear Alfie’s thought/communications? In this case, does the audience hear barking but also see lower thirds of dialogue/words?)
Steve calls the pound Dylan. (missing word)
Dylan speaks, says he wants a tattoo, his Dad will never allow it. (Why a tattoo? of his mom? What’s the significance of it? And why not ask for something special for Alfie? How does this connect with both Mom and Alfie?)
Steve agrees to keep Alfie.( What does he say? Alfie brought Christmas back to me? Something has to connect Alfie, who’s supposed to be out the door by the New Year.)
They conclude their meeting discussing the dilemma of wanting to grow up and still be kids. (Humm. Doesn’t quite work. Why do they want to grow up and still be kids? Since they’ve both suffered while being kids?)
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Yes, I’d love to. Thanks
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Hi Dev,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging thoughts. Yep, the third act is the least worked out – so true- Also true that I am a little worried about the length- but I think, for me, it’s easier to cut than add, and I feel like I’ve still not captured all of what’s in my head! Sigh. I’ve copied your thought into a word doc and will consider your points as I proceed. Thank you SO MUCH for commenting. I’ve started to read your outline and want to do it justice – Good wishes! and thanks again. June
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Hi Cam,
Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful feedback. I’ve copied them into a word doc and will mull them over. Cheers! and good wishes. June
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Hi Cameron, Nice work! here’re my thoughts. Take what you can use and discard the rest. Also, if you want to comment on my piece, it’s “Retirement”
Sully’s character description: That’s his goal. What makes Sully distinctly unique for this story? What are his unique traits and quirks?
Main conflict: “Almost everything is trying to kill the two” Implies, at first glance, that they’re the only two uninfected humans left
Dilemma: I think the stakes need to be upped, such as, “Will Sully save his son and die, and if so, how will his son survive without him? And how will Sully remain human without his son?”
Good inciting incident
Page 10 typo They are sealed outside not inside
Mid-point (5) You’ve answered the main dilemma- can Sully’s son infect him? If so, wouldn’t he have to leave him? What’s the new dilemma after you solve your first? Later, you answer these questions but the worm/virus is unclear. Will explain below.
6. Very tense dramatic situation. Great
Questions: Why is it necessary to have a developmentally delayed child at all? And does the child’s arc include his maturation? If it’s a buddy movie, the child is a protagonist and also must have a clear arc.
When you state that they can lock an alien worm outside of a door, this stretches credulity. The worms penetrated the space station and the ship. It’s very unclear how this alien works and I think it would be helpful to clarify in the logline. Such as: Aliens invade, implant eggs in humans which have a gestation time of x- and when they hatch, the humans die. Humans cannot transmit human to human but if the eggs hatch they can infect.
How can the spy lady fight if she’s infected? How does she know she’s infected? Can she infect others? How does the parasite control others? Do people burst and die like in Alien?
Good resolution.
I think the genre is not totally ‘buddy’ but mostly action.
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Dana Abbott
Member
February 17, 2022 at 6:16 am
PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 1
Concept:
A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.
My social work sister in law corrected my confusion on schizophrenic vs multiple personality. You may want to look into that- she was hot under the collar! Here’s what google says: “Search instead for can somebody be a schizophrenic and a multiple personality simultaneously the idea that people with schizophrenia have more than one personality is a common misconception, experts said. There is, however, an illness that causes people to adopt different personalities. That phenomenon is known as dissociative identity disorder (DID).Jul 13, 2016“
I like the concept a lot and think it would be very popular, because deranged people are intriguing. It seems to me that the struggle is a three-way struggle: that of the caller, his other self, and the psychiatrist. Therefore, it’s two against one. The intriguing question is how and when does the Dominant one take over? And when does the one asking for help get on the line? How distinguishable are they? I read one of your responses- that the caller doesn’t appear on screen. Although you may want to reveal the person in parts- say, just the mouth now, a hand now, etc, I’m not sure why you limit your visuals this way- although I understand that a disembodied voice is creepy. For sure, a director will want to show the caller- otherwise, you’ll have mostly one character on the screen all of the time- and that’s hard to carry. How can the psychiatrist be sure that her family is actually kidnapped? Do one of the kids talk?
Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry
Does Rivalry mean between the two personalities? I’d like to also suggest “Escape” #5, the caller and his/her attempt to escape the Dom… or “Rescue” #4.
Character Structure: #1 Protagonist(s) vs. Antagonist Two protagonists, right? <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>That’s what makes the hook so compelling- a person is battling themselves, and the collateral damage is Ellen’s family and Ellen.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller
Like Kate, who sent comments, I don’t understand how the detective is involved in the story.
Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threatening to kill Dr. Ellen’s family.
Yes. I think though, that it has to be a personal vendetta. Perhaps when you have more of the backstory fleshed out – such as- this former patient- is this a weird neighbor who stalks Dr Ellen’s kids? Is it a big reveal to figure out who this person is- the local Priest? Someone surprising?
Dramatic Question:
Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?
Main Conflict: An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.
Dilemma:
Can she overcome her insecurities to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?
Perhaps the question is “Ethics” I’m not sure why she would be insecure, since she’s got a talk <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>show, and when it comes to one’s kids- “fierce” comes out. People will walk in traffic to save <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>their kids.
The dilemma is ‘two bad choices’ The talk show is a public forum. The world is listening, and whatever she says is her reputation and paycheck and license. It the dilemma instead, losing her license vs losing her family?
Theme: Vengeance is best served cold.
Plot/Structure:
1. Opening: In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility. At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.
2. Inciting Incident: Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them. Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her. Is the DOM the uber driver?
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.
5. Midpoint: Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.
That’s harsh and we want her to outsmart this weirdo. Instead of her husband, how about if she <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>told him to take her, instead? <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Must get around the fact that phones have trackers. So does the DOM’s phone.
With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.
Did Dad die? What did the kids do during the skirmish? This could be a truly dramatic scene.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:
Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.
A complex and emotional highlight.
7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.
8. Climax:
She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved. Eeek. What about Dad?
9. Resolution: The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over. At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.
Good twist.
Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”
I don’t follow. Is this another wacko? Or the detective? The ending reminds me of “sorry, wrong <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>number”
Character Arc:
Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family
Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.
Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded
murderer.
Kate Hawkes
Member
February 17, 2022 at 6:45 pm
Hi Dana!
re Concept: I was hooked by the idea of a multiple personality doing the kidnapping.
Should the concept include the Ellen part? as she is the protragonist..
Great role for an actress
I love the delving into the mind and different personalities
Dilemma is tricky.. as I understand it is an either/or choice and each has a cost to the person
making it. It has to do with how to solve/deal with the main conflict…I think..
I keep muddling it with the conflict or problem..
It seems she has an ethical dilemma.. to mess with a person’s mind to get him to kill himself to
save her kids.. Oooh!
I’m not seeing how the Theme as stated fits the action/plot
..sometimes you have to do bad things to do good things?
You set up poor ratings in the opening scene – maybe come round to that again?
Is the movie about Ellen having to save her family from this madman?
so maybe 4, happens in 3?
if the Detective is a co-protagonist what is his relationship with Ellen? can that be more?
or is he just a guy doing his job..
not entirely sure what happened in the resolution.
so it wasn’t her patient? either way he is dead…
is it Ellen’s now hi-rating show?
I do get that it is set up for a sequel!
So much good stuff here!!
it just feels a little confusing as relating to each of those components
2. Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict?
3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure?
4. Is the Main Conflict, Dilemma, and Theme represented in the Structure?
I am looking forward to the next rendition!
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Dana Abbott
Member
February 17, 2022 at 9:28 pm
Hi Kate
Thanks for the feedback. Rereading, I can see where the confusion might be. Ellen is the focus.
We experience everything through her. The caller is heard and never seen.
I also need to explain in greater detail what happens at each beat. (i.e. the first call at the inciting
incident needs to be more developed; the detective’s relationship with Ellen, his strength keeping
her going to save her children, pushing the race against time; that Ellen doesn’t actually make the
choice of who dies, it’s forced upon her; she has to turn against her medial ethics; etc.)
And I changed my theme. I need to change it back. How far would you go to save another?
You make some good points. It’s nice to have another set of eyes.
Thanks again. I’ll let you know when I post the revision.
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Hi Dana, would you like to exchange comments or is your dance card full? Here’s my story, revised/ filled in after getting Dev’s comments: June Fortunato’s RETIREMENT
4. AFTER: Concept: Mooch (Roy) is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to love and feel loved by Kim, a fellow moocher, who’s haunted by her past – and together, they help each other to blow up the dark memories and learn to live.
Recurring motif: a cabin on top of a cliff.
Lead Characters:
CRAZYASS ROY is an endearing wild man. He feels that he doesn’t deserve a good life because during the war, he was a pyro man. He blew up a group of Viet Cong, but discovered that he’d also murdered innocent villagers. He was made a ‘hero’ for rescuing his comrades, but never forgave himself for the innocent lives he took. He has a big heart- but get too close and he’ll do something damaging to get away from anyone’s sympathy.
KIM: She’s also mooch and crashed for almost as long as Roy. She acts crazy to keep people away. Her father abused and shot her. She prefers homelessness to her family who are well off. Kim’s family owns that cabin on the cliff. But Kim fears it, because that’s where her father used to take her to beat her to a pulp and more, and that’s where he shot her. How much about the fantasies she tells are really real? At the crisis, Roy sets pyro and the two blow up the house.
Plot number Theme is love, 14.
The 9 beats for RETIREMENT.
1. Opening: Roy is dumped again, steals a van, deliberately crashes it, lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the hospital, who’s recovering from a bullet wound. He’s sparked by her, she knows it, and therefore takes off before he can get close.
2. Inciting incident: In court, Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a
permanent pad to get his money by certain date or his claim will expire. Also, his body can’t do this homelessness for much longer. He has liver disease. CROSSCUTS Kim steals a car, a bathing suit and then another car and she’s on the run. She’s interested in Roy, which is why she took off fast. Nonetheless, she really knows the swank places to crash and eat for free.
3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and he can’t get his money without a
place. He doesn’t like to work but slides in on a film set as a pyro tech- eating, sleeping in the
honey wagon and with new pals- until payday, when the union bosses discover that he doesn’t
work there at all. CROSSCUTS between Roy’s life and Kim’s life- both crash places. They cross paths at a distance. Kim’s visit to look at the cabin and the cliff must be in this beat. She contemplates suicide. Her mother sees her at a distance and ignores her. She acts out by stealing her mother’s car. Recurring image of Kim’s cliff. Roy somehow always finds her again at the cliff.
4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other again and he charms her. They begin to bond & run together. A blast! The arc of the scenes is: sunshine, then very dark, then sunshine again. Kim lands a trusted house sitter job- Roy is smitten by how clever Kim is. The woman who owns the house is in the hospital for an undetermined length, and they pet sit and live the life- food, booze, pets! shelter, heat, even media access. Bliss. At one point, in an amusement park, a company family picnic pushes Roy’s huge loss/guilt button and he’s distraught. He goes wild jumps onto a stage- fake six shooters and spurs and chaps- wild Roy- and he pulls Kim onto the stage- she hates it- It’s a horrific scene. He melts down. Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past. Kim, so close, helps but also triggers these things, and she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. His facing the past, his fear and abject self-loathing resonates with Kim so she disappears too close for comfort. But after a bad night in her stolen car, she comes back.
5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves Kim to save himself. Roy and Kim visit the hospitalized owner of the house-sit to keep her up to date on the pets and home. They sneak the lady’s pets in to see her, This thrills the lady no end. She bonds with Roy and Kim this is the beginning of her trust in them. She’s taken with them as a couple. Her encouragement leads Roy think that maybe he really can have joy. On a thrilling adventure, Roy lets slip that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his time is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly refuses. Heartbroken, that’s why he has to leave. Heartbroken, she goes on a scam bender.
6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves. They rediscover each other at the hospital, visiting the lady. More visits with the lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets in. The lady is upset that the perfect couple, and perfect petsitters aren’t together anymore. She makes a deal that if they promise to stay together, she’ll consider leaving her house and pets to them in her will. While at the hospital, the staff tells them that the lady is being moved to hospice. The nurses in hospice discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives. While there, they learn that Kim sees the medal of honor tucked into an old towel, and learns that he saved his guys so how does his killing of villagers come out? How does Kim know? How does she help him come to grips with it? Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life, why he acts this way. It’s because, finally, despite the fact that Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart.
7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide. At the cliffside- a recurring motif and
location.
8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Kim has come to rescue him. They both want to blow up their pasts. Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide and finally tells her truth. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin of her dark past. Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past. Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.
9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, through house sitters- and Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of smooching. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people. He has convinced the woman that they will take care of her pets and home. They get the pets back and win the house and stay by her bedside when she passes.
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Hi Dev, Thank you! for your thoughtful, and encouraging comments, and thank you for telling me why crazy Roy resonates. I’m sorry that you lost your friend. I’ll add to those areas that you question. The logline? meh. Having a bit of trouble boiling that down. Thank you so much! I’m intrigued by your story idea.
Here’re my thoughts and trash whatever isn’t useful. Keep on with it. It’s a cool idea with a contemporary point. I like the premise, Dev. Your story has a lot of possibilities especially for social commentary. I think it has legs and could play in several different genres.
What is the trigger that causes the Grand Dragon suddenly become the Black Leader? And likewise, the reverse for the Black Leader?
How aware are they of their former selves? Are the new embodiments like the reality TV shows: Trading Spouses or Wife Swap? Your 9-point list seems to imply an awareness.
If that’s the case, how awkward and unfamiliar are they with their new bodies and how do they fit into those worlds? Do they, for example, know their families and friends? Take on the dialect and physical mannerisms?
Lead Characters & Plot structure You chose Rivalry and it seems to be the closest category of options although depending on how you write the trigger that causes the switch, the story is also about transformation, and discovery.
Character structure: For the life of me, I can’t find the list of “character structures” in my notes but the protagonist is ALSO the antagonist. In other words, depending on his level of awareness, he wants to kill himself.
Leads My question is about each of their gangs- how many, how powerful, how involved and how aware they are. They have allies. Do the allies feel something is ‘off’ after the switch?
Dramatic question As you’ve painted the intriguing and compelling inciting incident (the switch), it seems to me that the compelling question is how does Caine handle this? Will he use his new body to kill his enemies? A great advantage- and meanwhile- will his enemy kill his family? And if he kills his own wife, doesn’t that deflate the stakes?
Main conflict The hero leads. The hero has to drive the story.
Dilemma: Yes. And also, they vehemently want to destroy each other but if they do that, they’re killing themselves.
9 point structure
I think that all you have to end of Act 1 can happen in the first 10 pages. The real inciting incident is the body switch, which is the hook promised in your logline, and definitely the compelling factor to want to see your movie. Therefore I think it needs to happen asap- at page 10. If you condense the above, you’ll have more time to explore the psychological ramifications of the situation both men are in.
It occurs to me that the cross burning could make the body switch.
(Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.) I don’t understand this. Is it Caine as Lincoln who’s warning the other? Also, is the reverse happening- that Lincoln is trying and failing to kill Caine?
(Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.) I’m confused with the logic. Are we in Caine’s new body? In Lincoln’s new body?
(Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.) Wow. Good ending.
(Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.) Not sure how Caine’s cross burning posse would accept this.
Below, a quick search of body swap movies. Body switch stories have been popular in films since the 1940’s. In the movie, Big, The Tom Hanks child makes a wish to be big. In The Cobbler with Adam Sandler, a special shoe stitching machine turns the wearer into the original owner. In All Of Me, it’s a guru who can transfer spirits.
9 Lives 2016, A Saintly Switch 1999, Like Father Like Son 1987, The Cobbler 2014, Dream a Little Dream 1989, 18 Again! 1988, Prelude to a Kiss 1992, Alison’s Birthday 1981, The Hot Chick 2002, The Shaggy Dog 2006, 13 Going On 30 2004, The Change UP 2011, Freaky Friday 1976, Vice Versa 1988, Turnabout 1940, All of Me 1984, Face/Off 1997, 17 Again 2009, Freaky Friday 2003, Big 1988
Not body switch, but similar: BlacKkKlansman 2018 Spike Lee Movie and Black Like Me 1961 nonfiction by John Howard Griffin
cheers Dev!
June
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Hi Dev, Would you like to exchange comments? June Fortunato, “Retirement”
4. AFTER:
Concept: Mooch (Roy) is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to love and feel loved by
Kim: fellow moocher, is haunted by her past but together, they help each other to blow up the
dark memories and learn to live.
Lead Characters: More development needed for Kim.
She’s crazy because her father abused and shot her. Her family has money. Scene list will
include her watching her family without them knowing.
Roy’s past: the reason he feels that he doesn’t deserve a good life is that during the war, he was a
pyro man. He blew up a group of Viet Cong, but discovered that he’d also murdered innocent
villagers. He was made a ‘hero’ for rescuing his comrades, but never forgave himself for the
innocent lives he took11
What Kim’s family owns is that cabin on the cliff. But Kim fears it, because that’s where her
father used to take her to beat her to a pulp and more, and that’s where he shot her.
Roy thought that she was pretending- how much about the fantasies she told are really real?
At the crisis, Roy sets pyro and the two blow up the house.
Plot number Theme is love, 14, not adventure.
The 9 beats:
1. Opening: Roy is dumped again & lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the
hospital in passing.
2. Inciting incident: Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a permanent
pad to get his money by certain date.
Kim steals a car and a bathing suit.
3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and can’t get his money without a place.
Crosscuts between Roy’s life and Kim’s life.
4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other and begin to bond & run together. A blast!
5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves her to save himself.
6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves.
7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide.
8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Kim has come to rescue him. They
both want to blow up their pasts.
Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past.
Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull
each other away from the brink.
9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, through house sitters- and Roy keeps Kim’s
life happy with pretend mooching.
– Character Arc
Both Roy & Kim: Fear of self – of facing the past and of embracing the future
Roy: doesn’t feel worthy. Kim: cannot get over feeling betrayed.
– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma
Kim doesn’t want to stop running. Roy has to.
Will Roy get his permanent pad in time to get his money?
Roy no longer wants to run and he no longer wants to be alone/half alive.
– Themes
Acceptance/rejection, (self-loathing) trust/fear of trust/betrayal, loneliness/fear of
commitment. Belief & hope.
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Copyright
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by