Karin Armbrust
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LOGLINE: Brandy admits to betrayal only to find out Phillip knew about it already.
ESSENCE: Love isn’t all it seems
—————————————————————
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM IN PRISON – DAY
A table with three chairs sits in the middle of the room. A thin window too high to look out of. A camera in the corner.
PHILLIP, a 28 year old man, dark, Italian, handsome, looking a bit worse for wear, sits in one of the chairs.
The door opens and RAY, a slick lawyer, and BRANDY, a gorgeous woman with the air of Elizabeth Taylor walk in. They sit down opposite Phillip, who looks questioning at Brandy.
PHILLIP
Brandy, I didn’t think they would let me see you.
Brandy reaches across and touches his hand lightly, the lawyer motions her to stop.
BRANDY
You happy to see me, Baby?
PHILLIP
Of course I’m happy to see you. I couldn’t stand it if you got caught up in this.
Phillip looks at her ring finger which has a ring on it.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
You got my ring, that’s good. It belonged to my grandmother. She would be so ashamed to see me here.
RAY
Okay, okay. She’s here because Brandy has been taking interviews.
PHILLIP
Interviews? What interviews?
BRANDY
You know the camera loves me.
Brandy gets up and gestures like she’s an old school star.
RAY
You need to talk to her. It’s going to be hard enough going into court.
PHILLIP
That’s my gal, you know I deserve nothing less.
Brandy bends over the table for a kiss. They lawyer stops her again.
RAY
No touching! Do you want to stay?
Brandy sits down and smiles at Phillip.
BRANDY
I’ve been thinking. A June wedding. I’m sure the New York Public Library will make accommodations for me.
PHILLIP
The Library?
BRANDY
Baby, it THE spot if you are anyone. I need to get the library.
PHILLIP
Okay, anything for you, if I get out of here.
BRANDY
Look, Ray is a great lawyer. He’s going to get you out. I’ve been playing up the media. Have you seen any of it?
PHILLIP
No, they can’t even give me a TV. It’s like I’m a drug dealer.
BRANDY
Well, it’s working. You’ll be out in a month! The thing is, Ray is not cheap. I don’t have the funds to keep paying for him.
Phillip waves his hand.
PHILLIP
We all know I’m good for it. Not a problem.
BRANDY
Sure, but Ray still needs to pay his mortgage. That condo costs a pretty penny.
Ray is horrified.
RAY
Brandy stop…
BRANDY
…and you know his what his wife is like. She is just so needy.
RAY
Brandy…
BRANDY
The guy is having problems with the IRS. Can’t we make this easier for him. Just tell me where the money is. I’ll take care of everything.
Phillip looks at Ray who looks away.
PHILLIP
Well, if things are that bad…
BRANDY
They are, Baby. We gotta help him out.
Ray coughs. Phillip contemplates,
PHILLIP
If it needs to be done, I trust you honey. Okay. It’s under the floorboard in the SW corner of the dinning room.
Brandy gives Phillip a Cheshire grin, then she reaches over and pulls Ray to you. She takes his face in her hands and gives him a sloppy kiss. Ray is clearly scared.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
So, what is this, Brandy?
BRANDY
Oh, Baby, you know I have needs. You’re done. There’s nothing left for you to offer me. Ray here, well he has the world.
PHILLIP
I don’t believe this. I covered for you! I thought that I was the reason you had to steal that money.
BRANDY
You are the reason. And you’re the solution. It was a grand setup wasn’t it.
Phillip turns toward Ray, who is still uncomfortable.
PHILLIP
I didn’t know Maggie was your wife. Last time we had beers, you were thinking of breaking up. Now she’s your wife, I’ll have to send a card.
RAY
Well, you know.
PHILLIP
And you’re in a condo now? You love that old house your dad left you! I guess your mother was right about you. He should have left it to your sister.
RAY
Uh…
PHILLIP
How could you be so stupid? If she did this to me, what will she do to you?
Brandy smacks her hand on the table.
BRANDY
Don’t you worry about Ray! I’ve got him under control. Now that I know where the money is, I don’t need you anymore.
PHILLIP
Brandy…
BRANDY
Ray will never get you out of prison. This is your new home. How do you like it?
Brandy gets up and stretches like a cat. She rubs Ray on the shoulder. Self-satisfied.
PHILLIP
I guess the wedding is off.
BRANDY
I can’t be seen marrying you.
PHILLIP
I’ll never get married.
BRANDY
Drama is my forte, not yours.
PHILLIP
I just follow in my families footsteps. My mom never got married. Her mom never got married. No wedding, no dress(beat)no rings.
Brandy slowly loses her smile. She looks at the ring on her finger. Brandy takes the ring off and looks at it closely.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Yeah, it’s been recording you since the moment you put it on.
BRANDY
You’re lying.
PHILLIP
Am I? Ray, you have a choice here. The police know everything. Are you going to go down with her?
Brandy grabs Ray’s hand, he pulls away.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Choose soon, Ray. When they come through those doors, it’ll be over for you.
BRANDY
You asshole.
PHILLIP
I would hate to have Ray get caught up in your bullshit. It would eat me up if he made the wrong choice.
BRANDY
Ray…
A knock at the door.
PHILLIP
I’m afraid time’s up.
FADE OUT
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LOGLINE: Brandy admits to betrayal only to find out Phillip knew about it already.
ESSENCE: Love isn’t all it seems
—————————————————-
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM IN PRISON – DAY
A table with three chairs sits in the middle of the room. A thin window too high to look out of. A camera in the corner.
PHILLIP, a 28 year old man, dark, Italian, handsome, looking a bit worse for wear, sits in one of the chairs.
The door opens and RAY, a slick lawyer, and BRANDY, a gorgeous woman with the air of Elizabeth Taylor walk in. They sit down opposite Phillip, who looks questioning at Brandy.
PHILLIP
Brandy, what are you doing here?
Brandy reaches across and touches his hand lightly, the lawyer motions her to stop.
BRANDY
Aren’t you happy to see me, Baby?
PHILLIP
Sorry, of course I’m happy to see you. I couldn’t stand it if you got caught up in this.
Phillip looks at her ring finger which has a ring on it.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
You got my ring, that’s good. It belonged to my grandmother.
RAY
Okay, okay. She’s here because she has been taking interviews.
PHILLIP
Interviews?
BRANDY
You know the camera loves me.
Brandy gets up and gestures like she’s an old school star.
RAY
You need to talk to her. It’s going to be hard enough going into court.
PHILLIP
That’s my gal, you know I deserve nothing less.
Brandy bends over the table for a kiss. They lawyer stops her again.
RAY
No touching! Do you want to stay?
Brandy sits down and smiles at Phillip.
BRANDY
I’ve been thinking. A June wedding.
PHILLIP
Sounds great, if I get out of here.
BRANDY
Look, Ray is a great lawyer. He’s going to get you out. I’ve been playing up the media. Have you seen any of it?
PHILLIP
No, they can’t even give me a TV.
BRANDY
Well, it’s working. You’ll be out in a month! The thing is, Ray is not cheap. I don’t have the funds to keep paying for him.
PHILLIP
We all know I’m good for it. Not a problem.
BRANDY
Sure, but Ray still needs to pay his mortgage. That condo costs a pretty penny.
RAY
Brandy stop…
BRANDY
…and you know his what his wife is like. She is just so needy.
RAY
Brandy…
BRANDY
The guy is having problems with the IRS. Can’t we make this easier for him. Just tell me where the money is. I’ll take care of everything.
PHILLIP
Well, if things are that bad…
BRANDY
They are, Baby. We gotta help him out.
Ray looks away in horror. Phillip contemplates
PHILLIP
If it needs to be done, I trust you honey. Okay. It’s under the floorboard in the SW corner of the dinning room.
Brandy gives Phillip a Cheshire grin, then she reaches over and pulls Ray to you. She takes his face in her hands and gives him a sloppy kiss. Ray is clearly scared. Phillip is sickened.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
So, what is this, Brandy?
BRANDY
Oh, Baby, you know I have needs. You’re done. There’s nothing left for you to offer me. Ray here, well he has the world.
PHILLIP
I don’t believe this. I covered for you! I thought that I was the reason you had to steal that money.
BRANDY
You are the reason. And you’re the solution. It was a grand setup wasn’t it.
Phillip turns toward Ray, who is still uncomfortable.
PHILLIP
I didn’t know Maggie was your wife. Last time we had beers, you were thinking of breaking up. Now she’s your wife, I’ll have to send a card.
RAY
Well, you know.
PHILLIP
And you’re in a condo now? You love that old house your dad left you! I guess your mother was right about you. He should have left it to your sister.
RAY
Uh…
PHILLIP
How could you be so stupid? If she did this to me, what will she do to you?
Brandy smacks her hand on the table.
BRANDY
Don’t you worry about Ray! I’ve got him under control. Now that I know where the money is, I don’t need you anymore.
PHILLIP
Brandy…
BRANDY
Ray will never get you out of prison. This is your new home. How do you like it?
Brandy gets up and stretches like a cat. She rubs Ray on the shoulder. Self-satisfied.
PHILLIP
I guess the wedding is off.
BRANDY
Definitely.
PHILLIP
I’ll never get married.
BRANDY
Never.
PHILLIP
I just follow in my families footsteps. My mom never got married. Her mom never got married. No wedding, no dress…no rings.
Brandy slowly loses her smile. She looks at the ring on her finger.
BRANDY
Then where did this ring come from?
PHILLIP
I did see your interviews. The police in this city know how to do their jobs.
Brandy takes the ring off and looks at it closely.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Yeah, it’s been recording you since the moment you put it on.
BRANDY
You’re lying.
PHILLIP
Am I? Ray, you have a choice here. The police know everything. Are you going to go down with her?
Brandy grabs Ray’s face in her hands.
BRANDY
He’s lying. I got you Babe. Don’t let him into your head.
PHILLIP
Choose soon, Ray. When they come through those doors, it’ll be over for you.
Ray removes Brandy’s hands from his face.
BRANDY
You asshole.
PHILLIP
I would hate to have Ray get caught up in your bullshit. I know what you are. It would eat me up if he made the wrong choice.
BRANDY
Ray…
A knock at the door.
PHILLIP
Times up.
FADE OUT
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Karin Armbrust Lesson 19
LOGLINE: A confrontation between two servers who know how the liquor board got involved with the restaurant.
ESSENSE: We’re all out for ourselves.
TRAIT CHANGED: Renee Conformist to Non-conformist
——————————————–
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
We’re in a swanky restaurant. RENEE, a 28 year old server, goes to the kitchen window to pick up some food. MAXINE, a 32 year old server joins her.
RON, the manager, comes in and claps his hands twice.
RON
I had a meeting with the liquor board today. We’ll talk about it after lunch. Carry on.
Renee and Maxine look at each other.
MAXINE
He knows, I know he knows.
RENEE
The only one who knows is me and I promised not to tell.
Maxine watches Ron return to his office. Renee takes her food, which looks so good you could photograph it. She smiles at BILL, the line cook.
RENEE (CONT’D)
This looks so wonderful! Thank you so much!
Maxine looks at her food, which shouldn’t be served.
MAXINE
(to Bill)
I can’t serve this! Can’t you do your job?
BILL
That’s all you’re getting.
RENEE
Bad food doesn’t hurt him, it hurts you! Why are you fighting with him?
MAXINE
He’s just a line cook. He should be happy he has a job. All the servers are in this fight. Why aren’t you?
RENEE
Because it doesn’t serve me in the long run. I’m here to work, not lose tips by ganging up on the kitchen staff.
Maxine takes the food and leaves in a huff.
RENEE (CONT’D)
Hey Bill! Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant? Darth Waiter. Ha Ha! Jokes4us.com!
Renee takes the food out to her customers.
RENEE (CONT’D)
If you need anything else, let me know. We want you to enjoy your time with us.
She sees a couple waiting at the host podium, doesn’t see the host and goes over to seat them. She steers them toward a table in her section.
COUPLE
We’d like to sit in a booth.
RENEE
Sure we can do that. Just to warn you, the vent is right above the booth and it can get cold.
The couple thinks a moment.
COUPLE
Okay.
They sit at Renee’s table. Maxine is watching and rushes up to her.
MAXINE
Hey, I saw that, not only is it my turn for a customer, they wanted to sit in my section!
RENEE
Relax, there are plenty of customers.
MAXINE
You have five tables now and I have three! And none of them are tippers!
RENEE
You don’t know that.
MAXINE
Please, look at those shoes! When Paula leaves next month, I’m moving to the night shift. Better people, better tips.
Maxine gestures to a table of people all wearing sneakers. One of them looks up and waves. Maxine sighs and goes over.
BILL
Order up!
Maxine goes to the kitchen window and sees Bill pushing her bad food again. She looks at the other food that’s beautiful.
BILL (CONT’D)
That’s not yours.
He turns away and Maxine snatches up the beautiful food and leaves. Renee comes in and looks at the food that’s left and gasps. Bill turns around.
BILL (CONT’D)
I told her…Maxine she…I’ll make it again.
Renee approaches Maxine.
RENEE
You took my food!
MAXINE
He’s doing it on purpose! He’s trying to get me fired. I bet he’s been talking about me!
RENEE
Stop riling up the kitchen!
BILL
Order up!
Renee and Maxine go to the kitchen. They see the differences in their food again and tussle over it. One of the plates dribbles over and Renee reaches for a paper down. There, next to the paper towels, is a note that says “I know what you did. You’re done.” Renee and Maxine look at each other.
MAXINE
I thought you didn’t tell on me.
RENEE
I didn’t. I swear!
Renee looks around nervously.
MAXINE
Because if you did, you’re going down with me.
RENEE
I did nothing!
MAXINE
You knew and you did nothing. You’re a part of it!
RENEE
I didn’t serve those under-aged kids! I was trying to give you a chance!
MAXINE
I doubt the liquor board will see it that way.
RENEE
I can’t believe you would do this.
MAXINE
You should have thought of that before you told on me. I won’t go down by myself again. You won’t get over on me!
Renee and Maxine print out the checks for their tables and deliver them to the tables. They take the credit cards, all the while staring at each other.
Ron, comes out of the office and goes to the closed side of the restaurant and waves them over.
Renee and Maxine join the rest of the staff, and brace…
FADE OUT
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LOGLINE: A confrontation between two servers who are up for the assistant manager job.
ESSENSE: Do what you can to win.
TRAIT CHANGED:Outgoing to Introvert (Renee)
———————————————
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
MAXINE, a 20 something server in a swanky restaurant, is filling salt shakers. She is not happy about it.
RENEE, another 20 something server, comes over to Maxine and drops off more salt shakers.
MAXINE
Why didn’t the night shift fill these salt shakers?
RENEE
Sometimes things happen on the night shift… Today’s the day.
MAXINE
Yeah. I hate doing the shakers. Fill them so there is a gap. If they are filled, they are filled.
Renee picks up a shaker and looks at it.
RENEE
It matters because that’s the way Ron wants it. We need to be consistent.
MAXINE
Such a stickler.
Maxine puts down the shaker gently and looks at Renee.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
Did you tell him?
RENEE
No, I told you I wouldn’t.
MAXINE
I thought maybe you’d use it to get over on me. Just like my sister.
Another server, JILL comes up to them. Renee turns and smiles warmly.
RENEE
Jill! I’m so glad you’re on the shift with us!
Jill nods at Renee but clearly doesn’t care for her. She turns to Maxine.
JILL
Thanks! Hey, I have a problem. There’s a three year old who won’t get into his booster chair.
RENEE
It’s not our place to ensure children get into their booster seats. Let the parents handle it.
Renee is ignored.
MAXINE
True, but maybe Jill can help. Ask the three year old how they want to be able to sit at the table and eat. Talk about phone books and a high chair. Let the three year old choose.
Renee looks away.
JILL
Huh, I never thought of that. Thanks Maxine!
She heads off. Maxine turns to Renee.
MAXINE
Hey, I know you’re trying to do everything by the book, but people aren’t like that. Sometimes we have to be creative. I know you have that in you.
Maxine leaves. Renee sees a customer waving and goes to help them. As she’s helping them, she sees Maxine stopping at one of her tables, talking to the guests and laughing. When Maxine steps away, Renee rushes up to her.
RENEE
What are you doing? What did they want?
MAXINE
Oh, they just asked a question about group reservations.
RENEE
I can take care of my own customers.
MAXINE
Hey, I’m here for you. When I’m assistant manager, I’ll still be here for you.
RENEE
(under her breath)
Getting ahead of yourself..
MAXINE
What do you mean by that? You told him, didn’t you. Betrayed me just like my sister did.
RENEE
Of course I told him, I had to. It’s company policy.
MAXINE
What did you say to him? You’re doing this on purpose!
Maxine goes to the kitchen window and picks up a plate. She loses her grip and the plate and food fall to the ground, breaking.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
(to the kitchen staff)
I’m so sorry about this, can you make me another one?
Renee helps her clean up.
RENEE
(condensendingly)
Maybe you’re reaching too far.
MAXINE
I can’t believe you told him.
RENEE
It wasn’t easy for me, either. But I really want the job.
Maxine cleans up the mess and looks up at Renee.
MAXINE
I’m still up for the job. Even after what you did.
RENEE
Maybe, I guess.
MAXINE
Stop it.
RENEE
I just can’t take all the chaos around here. If that means I have to take over, then that’s what I’ll do.
RON, the manager, a man in his 40s is off to the side, watching the two without them knowing it. Maxine stands.
MAXINE
What exactly did you tell him? Did you tell him the whole story? Or even the truth? Why are you acting like this?
RENEE
The salt shakers? The plate? Let it go.
MAXINE
What did you say?
RENEE
Just that the large table that you let go without paying their bill and then covered it up was actually your cousins and it was a set up.
MAXINE
But that’s not true. I messed up the transaction and tried to cover it up but that was it.
RENEE
I also told him that it wasn’t the first time. You’ve been at it since you got here.
MAXINE
Disloyal little…
RENEE
…If you bowed out of trying to get the job, maybe I’ll talk to Ron for you.
Maxine sees Ron watching and smiles a little.
MAXINE
What if I already talked to Ron about that table? What if I already admitted it and made amends?
RENEE
You don’t have it in you.
MAXINE
Are you sure about that?
RENEE
Yeah I”m sure. The job is mine.
Ron waves at them and motions to his office. They head that direction.
RENEE (CONT’D)
No way did you tell on yourself. No way.
They enter Ron’s office.
FADE OUT
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LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire must get the evidence against her father before the trial.
ESSENCE: Betrayal is the name of the game.
———————————————-
INT. MECHANICS SHOP – EVENING
NANCY, a 30 something woman, very put together, is opening drawers and cabinets, searching through papers, in a violent manner.
NANCY
Where the hell is it?
SQUIRE, a 28 year old man, lounges against a tool case, lazily pointing a gun at SAM, a 50 year old mechanic who is sitting at attention in an old chair.
SQUIRE
The guy doesn’t know anything, Nancy. What would a mechanic know about your father’s business?
Nancy marches over to Sam, stepping on a board that is not quite sitting correctly, we can see a corner of a piece of paper sticking out. Nancy covertly pushes the paper back in.
Nancy takes her gun out and presses it again Sam’s throat.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
Sam’s eyes swing to Squire and open even more. He keeps his eyes on Squire.
SAM
I’d never betray your father. He’s always been good to me.
NANCY
And once I break you, he’ll be really good to me.
Squire reaches out and touches Nancy’s shoulder. Nancy looks at her shoulder, then Squire.
SQUIRE
Let me try.
NANCY
Have at it.
Squire circles Sam, stopping behind him and getting closer. In his ear, as he looks at Nancy beguilingly.
SQUIRE
You know, Sam, we don’t want to hurt you. We want to treat you real good. If you make our job easy, we could make it worth your while.
He purrs in his ear, still looking at Nancy.
NANCY
What are you doing? Getting the evidence or trying to make a date?
SQUIRE
This is pointless. I was supposed to be in Cabo this weekend! This guy knows nothing.
Squire points his gun at Sam again.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s just finish this.
NANCY
(lunging)
No!
Squire jerks a bit and pulls the trigger, the bullet barely misses Nancy who jumps to the side just in time.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hey!
SQUIRE
Oops, sorry.
NANCY
We’re here for a reason.
SQUIRE
Are we really? Think about it. Would daddy send you when Pete is in town?
NANCY
I’m as capable as Pete.
SQUIRE
Of course you are, why do you think I like being your leader, besides the obvious.
Squire strokes her hair a bit, she backs away.
NANCY
It’s like you don’t understand who my father is.
Squire grins at her. Then looks at Sam.
SQUIRE
It’s not working, Nancy. Let’s kill this guy, together.
Sam’s eyes gets bigger. Squire waits until Nancy is looking at Sam and puts a finger in front of his lips to shush him.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s do him and the beers are on me.
NANCY
No! We have a job to do. You need to stop it and get your head turned back around.
Squire turns points his gun at Sam’s forehead.
NANCY (CONT’D)
You’re in a hurry to get out of here.
SQUIRE
Whatever he had, it’s gone now.
NANCY
You seemed like you were quite at home when you were whispering in his ear.
SQUIRE
It’s my flawless charm.
NANCY
Maybe you’re right. There’s nothing here.
Squire relaxes a little and gets into Sam’s face.
Nancy moves over to side to stand on the loose board. She takes out her gun and ensures Squire is in her sights.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. This board is loose.
Squire moves like Bruce Lee, bringing up his gun. But Nancy’s was already pointed.
NANCY (CONT’D)
What’s going on Squire? You trying to take over?
SQUIRE
I should be the heir. The organization should be mine.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
(to Sam)
You kept it here?
SAM
I told you I didn’t want to do this. I would never hurt you Nancy.
NANCY
I know.
SAM
My family?
NANCY
Safe.
SQUIRE
You are dead.
Nancy brings up her gun and points it at his forehead.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
SQUIRE
Wait!
The gun fires.
FADE OUT
-
LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire must get the evidence against her father before the trial.
ESSENCE: Who is betraying who?
SCENE:
INT. MECHANICS SHOP – EVENING
NANCY, a 30 something woman, very put together, is opening drawers and cabinets, searching through papers, in a violent manner.
NANCY
Where the hell is it?
SQUIRE, a 28 year old man, lounges against a tool case, lazily pointing a gun at SAM, a 50 year old mechanic who is sitting at attention in an old chair.
SQUIRE
The guy doesn’t know anything, Nancy. What would a mechanic know about your father’s business?
Nancy marches over to Sam, stepping on a board that is not quite sitting correctly, we can see a corner of a piece of paper sticking out.
Nancy takes her gun out and presses it again Sam’s throat.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
Sam’s eyes swing to Squire and open even more. He keeps his eyes on Squire.
SAM
I’d never betray your father. He’s always been good to me.
NANCY
And once I break you, he’ll be really good to me.
SAM
You know me Nancy, I wouldn’t hurt you or your dad.
Squire reaches out and touches Nancy’s shoulder. Nancy looks at her shoulder, then Squire.
SQUIRE
Let me try.
NANCY
Have at it.
Squire circles Sam, stopping behind him and getting closer. In his ear, as he looks at Nancy beguilingly.
SQUIRE
You know, Sam, we don’t want to hurt you. We want to treat you real good. If you make our job easy, we could make it worth your while.
He purrs in his ear, still looking at Nancy.
NANCY
What are you doing? Getting the evidence or trying to make a date?
SQUIRE
This is pointless. I was supposed to be in Cabo this weekend! This guy knows nothing.
Squire points his gun at Sam again.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s just finish this.
NANCY
No!
Squire jerks a bit and pulls the trigger, the bullet barely misses Nancy who jumps to the side just in time.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hey!
SQUIRE
Oops, sorry.
NANCY
We’re here for a reason.
SQUIRE
Are we really? Think about it. Would daddy send you when Pete is in town?
NANCY
I’m as capable as Pete.
SQUIRE
Of course you are, why do you think I like being your partner, besides the obvious.
Squire strokes her hair a bit, she backs away.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
It’s not working, Nancy. Let’s kill this guy, together.
Sam’s eyes gets bigger. Squire puts a finger in front of his lips to shush him.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Let’s do him and the beers are on me.
NANCY
No! We have a job to do. You need to stop it and get your head turned back around.
Squire turns his back to smile at his gun. Sam makes facial gestures to Nancy toward the loose board. She sees the corner of paper. She looks at Sam who nods toward Squire.
NANCY (CONT’D)
You’re in a hurry to get out of here.
SQUIRE
Whatever he had, it’s gone now.
NANCY
You seemed like you were quite at home when you were whispering in his ear.
SQUIRE
It’s my flawless charm.
NANCY
Maybe you’re right. There’s nothing here.
Squire relaxes a little and gets into Sam’s face.
Nancy moves over to side. She takes out her gun and ensures Squire is in her sights.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. That board is loose. I see paper.
Squire moves like Bruce Lee, bringing up his gun. But Nancy’s was already pointed.
NANCY (CONT’D)
What’s going on Squire? You trying to take over?
SQUIRE
I should be the heir.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
(to Sam)
You kept it here?
SAM
I told you I didn’t want to do this. I would never hurt you Nancy.
NANCY
I know.
SQUIRE
You are dead.
Nancy brings up her gun and points it at his forehead.
NANCY
You know what happens to people who betray my father.
SQUIRE
Wait!
The gun fires.
FADE OUT
-
Karin Armbrust Max Interest 2
LOGLINE: Daniel and Barbara meet for the first time.
ESSENCE: Daniel comes under Barbara’s dominion. We see the future.
Interest Techniques used: Hook, (a slight) Dilemma, Predictions, Something Unseen, Anticipatory Dialogue, Uncomfortable Moment.
——————————————–
EXT. LITTLE GIRL’S ROOM – DAY
Pink! Pink everywhere. Dolls lined up like soldiers on a tall bookcase. Bed frilly and made precisely. The door is covered with a child’s artwork. At a table set for tea sits YOUNG BARBARA, four years old, wearing a silly white hat. She hears something at the door and goes to listen.
VOICE (O.S.)
It’s time for you to be a man. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. (a beat) That’s better. I’ll be back.
Young Barbara runs back to the table and sits down.
The door opens and YOUNG DANIEL stands in the doorway. We see a figure in shadows behind him. Young Daniel looks at all the pink in horror, turns around and tries to run. He gets pushed into the room.
VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
You better behave.
Young Daniel comes into the room, hestitantly.
YOUNG BARBARA
Want to play tea party?
Daniel sits down. Barbara pours ‘tea’ into the two china cups while trying to keep the oversized white hat on her head, the feather getting in her face. Tea poured, they both drink.
YOUNG BARBARA (CONT’D)
You want sugar with your tea?
Young Barbara spoons out a square of Playdoh ‘sugar’ and puts it in her cup.
YOUNG DANIEL
The tea is good I don’t need sugar.
Young Barbara puts the ‘sugar’ in his cup anyway and adds water. Young Daniel picks up his cup and looks at the sugar.
YOUNG DANIEL (CONT’D)
But I said…
YOUNG BARBARA
Aren’t you going to drink it?
Daniel looks at the Playdoh floating in the cup and under Barbara’s watchful eye, takes a little sip. He accidentally swallows a nugget and coughs. Daniel jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
Barbara happily arranges the table. She goes to the bathroom door and listens a moment.
YOUNG BARBARA (CONT’D)
(shouting)
We can play wife and husband next!
She listens more.
YOUNG BARBARA (CONT’D)
Are you coming out of there!
The door slowly opens and Young Daniel peeks out. Young Barbara pushes the door open, takes his hand and drags him out of the bathroom. She ties a tie like a shoelace around his neck and puts a hat on his head.
YOUNG BARBARA (CONT’D)
You’re the best husband ever!
——————————————–
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that there are so many more options that I can use when writing a scene. I didn’t even get into the first set of interest techniques for this one. There was plenty here!
-
Karin Armbrust Challenging Situations:
Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: Daniel, caught in a lie, tries to get out of it.
B. Essence: Daniel needs Barbara to believe in him, but her faith has cracked.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
1. Goal – To get out of admitting that he lied
a. Says something that inadvertently gives info to Barbara
b. Tries to seduce her, unsuccessful. He is rebuffed.
c. Attacks Barbara for something stupid
d. Accuses Barbara of something, being secretive
e. Tries to do laundry (red in the whites)
2. Needs – For Barbara to believe in him, for peace
a. Barbara questions her belief in him
b. Tries to relax her with a massage, fails
c. Tries to tell her about a vacation coming up, fails
d. Lies about something stupid and is caught
3. Values – peaceful life
a. He pulls out a gun and threatens to end it
4. Wound – Violent dad and abused mother
a. Barbara accuses him of being like his mother, he retaliates about her being like his dad.
b. After the grab, maybe he’s more like his dad!
5. Physical
a. Grabs her a bit too hard
b. Makes a mess of the laundry
c. Steps on foot in a dance.
D. Summary:
Daniel starts by trying to distract Barbara by trying to seduce her the moment they enter the bedroom, his efforts getting crazy as she insists that they need to talk.
He then goes off on a tangent about a vacation to Paris he wants to go on. He dances with her and she is getting into it until he steps on her foot. They need to talk!
About what? Doesn’t Barbara believe in him? That he wouldn’t do everything he could for both of them? Barbara tells him “you lied!”. He brings up a lie that she told and is told that that was in middle school!
Come on Barbara, you’re so tense, let me give you a massage! A foot rub!
Barbara tells him that she does everything around here and all she asks for is some honesty. Daniel responds by deciding to do the laundry. He sorts the clothes taunting her about her hard job as a housewife. He throws something red in with the white and she goes after him about it, how he’s incompetent. Maybe he’s just like his mother.
She goes for the red item and Daniel grabs her and shakes her again. She tells him she was wrong, he’s just like his father! What are you going to do Daniel?
He takes out a case, unlocks it and brings out a gun. He sits on the bed and looks at the gun. Barbara questions whether he’s going to use it on her. He says he’s going to use it on himself. Barbara sits down next to him and takes the gun. It’s not even loaded.
He tells her he can’t be like his parents. She tells him to prove it, by being honest now. They talk.
—————————————————–
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: Anne confronts Dahlia, her captive, who has been left her chained up in a basement for three days
B. Essence: Anne wants Dahlia to tell the truth and has tried to wear her down first.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
1. Goals: To get Dahlia to tell the truth
a. Dahlia tries to make friends with Anne
b. Dahlia goes on the defensive
2. Needs: retribution for her sister’s death
a. Dahlia doesn’t even remember her sister
b. Dahlia justifies her actions
3. Values: honesty and decency
a. Is Anne decent for her actions of kidnapping Dahlia?
b. Is Anne blaming Dahlia unfairly?
c. The food has run out and so has the toilet paper
4. Wound: She could never help her sister.
a. Dahlia accuses her of hurting Janet the most
5. Physical:
a. Dahlia, who has unchained herself, attacks Anne
b. Dahlia, throws the canister of poison gas, infecting both of them
c. Dahlia, threatens to throw the contents of the pail at Anne
D. Summary:
Anne comes into her house with a suitcase and a fast food bag after being gone for three days. She looks through her mail.
Anne goes down into the basement, where Dahlia is chained up to a wall. She’s dirty and wild looking. There is a mattress, empty food wrappers and water bottles all around her. A stench is coming from the bucket.
Anne takes the food bag over to a counter, reaches in and grabs a fry and eats it, ignoring Dahlia.
Dahlia starts with trying to be a friend. Anne was gone so long and she missed her. Anne tells her that if she missed her so much, tell her about what happened to her sister. Dahlia denies even knowing her sister. Tells her that the food ran out, and so had the toilet paper.
Anne points at the toilet paper on the counter, which has been just out of reach for Dahlia and taunts her about not being able to reach it. Dahlia calls her a monster.
I’m the monster? Asks Anne. She tosses her the food bag and Dahlia catches it. Dahlia opens it and notices that Annes key ring is in there. She eats a fry and takes out the key ring with Anne isn’t looking. She repeats that she knows nothing about her sister.
Oh, you remember her, says Anne. Dahlia had been walking down the street and was approached by a homeless woman who got too close, Dahlia shoved her and the woman fell into the street and was hit by a car and was taken to the hospital.
Dahlia now knows what this is about. She defends her actions. The woman was coming at her, she had a right to defend herself! She’s entitled to feel safe on the streets!
And where was Anne? Why wasn’t she helping her sister? Why was her sister on the street? Maybe Anne is the one who is responsible here. Dahlia rubs it in a bit. Get off your high horse and let me go.
Anne goes on the defensive herself, she should die for your entitlement? It stinks in here! You live like a pig! Push that pail this way.
Dahlia refuses. Anne is a monster, treating her like this. This like a concentration camp! She threatens to throw the contents of the pail at Anne. Anne tells her to do that if she wants to live in filth, go ahead. She’ll leave her down there in the filth a few more days. Dahlia backs down and pushes the pail toward Anne.
Anne goes to the basement restroom to deal with the pail. Dahlia unchains herself. Anne comes back in and puts the pail just out of reach, with a smile, along with a toilet paper roll. She turns to the counter and touches a white cannister of something.
Dahlia attacks Anne while her back is turned. They fight. Dahlia grabs the cannister and hits Anne with it. The cannister drops, rolls over to the mattress, and starts leaking gas. We see that the cannister has poison symbols all over it. They stop fighting and look at it.
Anne tells Dahlia that that’s that. They are both goners. She hands Dahlia a water bottle and takes one for herself and goes over to sit on the mattress. After a moment Dahlia joins her.
Anne tells Dahlia that Janet died today. The both drink water.
Dahlia admits that she remembers the incident. That Janet had scared her, in more ways than one, and that all she wanted was for Janet to go away, forever. That she was scared of homeless people because they represented her own fear of being helpless and homeless.
They both slowly keel over due to the gas.
After a moment, Anne looks up to stare at the dead Dahlia who is still holding the water bottle.
Anne reaches over and removes the stickers on the cannister, it was just oxygen.
Seeing her keys laying there, she takes them and puts them in a pocket after removing a plastic bag.
She reaches over and carefully taking the water bottle out of Dahlia’s hands and puts it in the bag.
She says “thank you for your honesty.”
——————————————–
What I learned was that if I get really creative with the nightmares I can write an exciting scene that moves the story forward.
-
Barbara Original:
DESCRIPTION: A previously career woman who is now a stay home wife.
TRAITS: Loyal, giving, tenacious, crazy.
SUBTEXT: She needs Daniel to be successful in order to validate her decision to stay at home.
Barbara Redone:
DESCRIPTION: A previously career woman who is now a stay home wife.
TRAITS: Giving, tenacious, aggressive, delusional.
SUBTEXT: She needs Daniel to be successful in order to validate her decision to stay at home.
——————————————————
Daniel Original:
DESCRIPTION: A man who just wants to live a relaxed life and give Barbara what she wants.
TRAITS: Passive, loving, giving, naïve.
SUBTEXT: He’s trying to get out of advancing in his career.
Daniel Redone:
DESCRIPTION: A man who does everything he can to live a simple life
TRAITS: Passive, loving, lazy, naïve.
SUBTEXT: He’s been accommodating to Barbara for too long, he needs to take his life back.
———————————————————
Nick Original:
DESCRIPTION: A cut-throat salesman who will do anything to be on top.
TRAITS: Conniving, gregarious, aggressive, smooth.
SUBTEXT: Nick needs to be surrounded by those who worship him.
Nick Redone:
DESCRIPTION: A cut-throat salesman who will do anything to be on top.
TRAITS: Smooth, conniving, gregarious, frightened.
SUBTEXT: Nick believes his job is in jeopardy and that Daniel is trying to take it from him.
What I learned is that by playing with the traits and subtext, I can cause even more trouble for my characters and give their actions depth.
-
We’re posting scripts here as well? Okay…
LOGLINE: Robert set up Nick in order to get a confession.
ESSENSE: Top dog isn’t always on top.
———————————-
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
JOHN, a 30 something man who might be wearing yesterday’s clothes, is sitting at a table in the teacher’s lounge, working on his computer.
NICK, a put together 30 something man comes in and eyeballs John.
NICK
I’d tell you that you’ve been drinking too much coffee but damn, you look like you need a cup. Two sugars right?
John looks up at Nick.
JOHN
Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Nick makes John a cup of coffee with two sugars, gives it John and sits down beside him.
NICK
What got you all hot and bothered?
JOHN
Nothing, I’m fine.
NICK
I heard about Lizzie.
JOHN
You did? What did you hear?
NICK
She still hasn’t woken up yet. You have her in your Physics class don’t you?
JOHN
Yeah, there are a lot of kids in my Physics class. Did you hear if she’ll be okay?
NICK
They don’t know yet. It was quite a brutal attack. The police are still looking for the attacker. Let me at him. I’ll take care of it.
JOHN
Uh, sure. I hope they catch the bastard. Did you have her in any of your classes?
NICK
Me? No, I barely know her.
JOHN
I hate to think it, but it might have been a teacher. Remember that girl two years ago?
NICK
No way, none of us would do this. If you weren’t such a loner and got to know people, you’d see that.
JOHN
I’m happy with the friends I have, like you Nick.
NICK
Just sayin’
JOHN
The less people I hang with, the less I have to worry about being betrayed.
NICK
Someone did a number on you didn’t they? If you need to talk about it, I’m here for you.
JOHN
I don’t want to talk about it.
NICK
That’s good, I’d talk about it but it’s not really in my wheelhouse.
They both laugh a little.
JOHN
I wonder who did it.
NICK
Probably someone without any social skills. Someone who spends a lot of time alone.
JOHN
I spend a lot of time alone.
NICK
Well, not you of course. But someone out there is hiding in their house, just waiting to find some cute high schooler to walk by.
JOHN
You think Lizzie is cute?
NICK
Well, not that I really noticed but I guess so. For a student. What are you saying here, John?
JOHN
Nothing. I’m sure that you had nothing to do with it. But maybe someone else noticed she’s cute.
John takes a sip of coffee.
JOHN (CONT’D)
She is pretty popular. Cheerleader and all of that.
NICK
It always seems to be the popular ones who get targeted.
JOHN
Yeah, you’re right. Why do you think that’s true?
NICK
I don’t know, what do you think?
JOHN
Maybe because everyone seems to love them. They walk around like they own the school. Wearing almost nothing.
NICK
Are you saying it was Lizzie’s fault because she was prancing around in her cheerleading outfit?
JOHN
Oh course not! But someone might have gotten into their head that it was an invitation.
NICK
Just jossing you John, I know you didn’t do it.
JOHN
They do prance around a lot.
NICK
Yeah, they do.
The both look away and take a sip of coffee.
JOHN
Morals have gotten a bit loose in this school. These kids need discipline.
NICK
Yes, they do. What do you think we should do?
JOHN
I don’t know. Set some laws down. Something! What do you think we should do?
NICK
Prosecute their parents for letting them run naked.
JOHN
I’m serious. What would you do?
NICK
I know what you’re doing, John.
JOHN
What am I doing?
NICK
You’re trying to get me to say something to incriminate me. You’re the one aren’t you? You’re trying to throw me under the bus.
John gives him a long look.
NICK (CONT’D)
You’re the scruffy loner type. Clearly, you are the culprit.
JOHN
I see what you’re doing. Very clever.
NICK
You won’t get away with this.
JOHN
But not so clever. You were seen near Lizzie’s house.
Nick leans back in his chair and pauses.
NICK
So. They saw a scruffy guy wearing one of your coats. Who do you think they’re going to come for?
JOHN
You’re going down.
NICK
See, you’re the loner, John. I’m friends with Principal Owens. Who do you think they’ll believe.
Nick takes a sip of coffee.
John clicks something on his computer.
JOHN
(to computer)
Did you get all of that?
VOICE
Yeah.
The door opens and in walks Principal Owens.
JOHN
I’m friends with Owens too. Maybe a better friend. You should know that Lizzie is his niece.
NICK
What are you doing to do?
JOHN
Oh, I think we’re going to take care of this one ourselves.
John and Principal Owens move in for the kill.
-
LOGLINE: Robert set up Nick in order to get a confession.
ESSENSE: Top dog isn’t always on top.
———————————-
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
JOHN, a 30 something man who might be wearing yesterday’s clothes, is sitting at a table in the teacher’s lounge, working on his computer.
NICK, a put together 30 something man comes in and eyeballs John.
NICK
I’d tell you that you’ve been drinking too much coffee but damn, you look like you need a cup. Two sugars right?
John looks up at Nick.
JOHN
Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Nick makes John a cup of coffee with two sugars, gives it John and sits down beside him.
NICK
What got you all hot and bothered?
JOHN
Nothing, I’m fine.
NICK
I heard about Lizzie.
JOHN
You did? What did you hear?
NICK
She still hasn’t woken up yet. You have her in your Physics class don’t you?
JOHN
Yeah, there are a lot of kids in my Physics class. Did you hear if she’ll be okay?
NICK
They don’t know yet. It was quite a brutal attack. The police are still looking for the attacker. Let me at him. I’ll take care of it.
JOHN
Uh, sure. I hope they catch the bastard. Did you have her in any of your classes?
NICK
Me? No, I barely know her.
JOHN
I hate to think it, but it might have been a teacher. Remember that girl two years ago?
NICK
No way, none of us would do this. If you weren’t such a loner and got to know people, you’d see that.
JOHN
I’m happy with the friends I have, like you Nick.
NICK
Just sayin’
JOHN
The less people I hang with, the less I have to worry about being betrayed.
NICK
Someone did a number on you didn’t they? If you need to talk about it, I’m here for you.
JOHN
I don’t want to talk about it.
NICK
That’s good, I’d talk about it but it’s not really in my wheelhouse.
They both laugh a little.
JOHN
I wonder who did it.
NICK
Probably someone without any social skills. Someone who spends a lot of time alone.
JOHN
I spend a lot of time alone.
NICK
Well, not you of course. But someone out there is hiding in their house, just waiting to find some cute high schooler to walk by.
JOHN
You think Lizzie is cute?
NICK
Well, not that I really noticed but I guess so. For a student. What are you saying here, John?
JOHN
Nothing. I’m sure that you had nothing to do with it. But maybe someone else noticed she’s cute.
John takes a sip of coffee.
JOHN (CONT’D)
She is pretty popular. Cheerleader and all of that.
NICK
It always seems to be the popular ones who get targeted.
JOHN
Yeah, you’re right. Why do you think that’s true?
NICK
I don’t know, what do you think?
JOHN
Maybe because everyone seems to love them. They walk around like they own the school. Wearing almost nothing.
NICK
Are you saying it was Lizzie’s fault because she was prancing around in her cheerleading outfit?
JOHN
Oh course not! But someone might have gotten into their head that it was an invitation.
NICK
Just jossing you John, I know you didn’t do it.
JOHN
They do prance around a lot.
NICK
Yeah, they do.
The both look away and take a sip of coffee.
JOHN
Morals have gotten a bit loose in this school. These kids need discipline.
NICK
Yes, they do. What do you think we should do?
JOHN
I don’t know. Set some laws down. Something! What do you think we should do?
NICK
Prosecute their parents for letting them run naked.
JOHN
I’m serious. What would you do?
NICK
I know what you’re doing, John.
JOHN
What am I doing?
NICK
You’re trying to get me to say something to incriminate me. You’re the one aren’t you? You’re trying to throw me under the bus.
John gives him a long look.
NICK (CONT’D)
You’re the scruffy loner type. Clearly, you are the culprit.
JOHN
I see what you’re doing. Very clever.
NICK
You won’t get away with this.
JOHN
But not so clever. You were seen near Lizzie’s house.
Nick leans back in his chair and pauses.
NICK
So. They saw a scruffy guy wearing one of your coats. Who do you think they’re going to come for?
JOHN
You’re going down.
NICK
See, you’re the loner, John. I’m friends with Principal Owens. Who do you think they’ll believe.
Nick takes a sip of coffee.
John clicks something on his computer.
JOHN
(to computer)
Did you get all of that?
VOICE
Yeah.
The door opens and in walks Principal Owens.
JOHN
I’m friends with Owens too. Maybe a better friend. You should know that Lizzie is his niece.
NICK
What are you doing to do?
JOHN
Oh, I think we’re going to take care of this one ourselves.
John and Principal Owens move in for the kill.
-
This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Karin Armbrust.
-
This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
-
Logline:
It’s High School – a student, Lizzie, is in the hospital after a brutal attack. John suspects Nick is behind the attack but because of Nick’s friendship with the Principal, he needs to be sure first before he takes action.
Essence:
John makes Nick tell the truth.
—————————————–
INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
JOHN, a 30 something man who might be wearing yesterday’s clothes, is sitting at a table in the teacher’s lounge, working on his computer.
NICK, a put together 30 something man comes in and eyeballs John.
NICK
I’d tell you that you’ve been drinking too much coffee but damn, you look like you need a cup. Two sugars right?
John looks up a Nick.
JOHN
Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Nick makes John a cup of coffee with two sugars, gives it John and sits down beside him.
NICK
What got you all hot and bothered?
JOHN
Nothing, I’m fine.
NICK
I heard about Lizzie.
JOHN
You did? What did you hear?
NICK
She still hasn’t woken up yet. You have her in your Physics class don’t you?
JOHN
Yeah, did you hear if she’ll be okay?
NICK
They don’t know yet. It was quite a brutal attack. The police are still looking for the attacker. Such a terrible thing.
JOHN
Yes it is. I hope they catch the bastard. Did you have her in any of your classes?
NICK
Me? No, I barely know her.
JOHN
I hate to think it, but it might have been a teacher. Remember that girl two years ago? Family moved away without pressing any charges. Makes me think something is going on here.
NICK
No way, none of us would do this. If you weren’t such a loner and got to know people, you’d see that.
JOHN
I’m happy with the friends I have, like you Nick.
NICK
Just sayin’
JOHN
The less people I hang with, the less I have to worry about being betrayed.
NICK
Someone did a number on you didn’t they? If you need to talk about it, I’m here for you.
JOHN
I don’t want to talk about it.
NICK
That’s good, I’d do it but it’s not really in my wheelhouse.
They both laugh a little.
JOHN
I wonder who did it.
NICK
Probably someone without any social skills. Someone who spends a lot of time alone.
JOHN
I spend a lot of time alone.
NICK
Well, not you of course. But someone out there is hiding in their house, just waiting to find some cute high schooler to walk by.
JOHN
You think Lizzie is cute?
NICK
Well, not that I really noticed but I guess so. For a student. What are you saying here, John?
JOHN
Nothing! I’m sure that you had nothing to do with it. But maybe someone else noticed she’s cute.
John takes a sip of coffee.
JOHN (CONT’D)
She is pretty popular. Cheerleader and all of that.
NICK
It always seems to be the popular ones who get targeted.
JOHN
Yeah, you’re right. Why do you think that’s true?
NICK
I don’t know, what do you think?
JOHN
Maybe because everyone seems to love them. They walk around like they own the school. Wearing almost nothing.
NICK
Are you saying it was Lizzie’s fault because she was prancing around in her cheerleading outfit?
JOHN
Oh course not! But someone might have gotten into their head that it was an invitation.
NICK
Just jossing you John, I know you didn’t do it.
JOHN
They do prance around a lot.
NICK
Yeah, they do.
The both look away and take a sip of coffee.
JOHN
Morals have gotten a bit loose in this school. These kids need discipline.
NICK
Yes, they do. What do you think we should do?
JOHN
I don’t know. Set some laws down. Something! What do you think we should do?
NICK
Prosecute their parents for letting them run naked.
JOHN
I’m serious. What would you do?
NICK
I know what you’re doing, John.
JOHN
What am I doing?
NICK
You’re trying to get me to say something to incriminate me. You’re the one aren’t you? You’re trying to throw me under the bus.
JOHN
What?
NICK
You’re the scruffy loner type. Clearly, you are the culprit.
JOHN
I see what you’re doing. Very clever.
NICK
You won’t get away with this.
JOHN
But not so clever. You were seen near Lizzie’s house.
Nick leans back in his chair.
NICK
So. They saw a scruffy guy wearing one of your coats. Who do you think they’re going to come for?
JOHN
I can’t believe you’d do this.
NICK
See, you’re the loner, John. I’m friends with Principle Owens. Who do you think they’ll believe?
Nick takes a sip of coffee.
John clicks something on his computer.
JOHN
(to computer)
Did you get all of that?
VOICE
Yeah.
The door opens and in walks Principal Owens.
JOHN
In case you think Owens is going to get you out of this, you should know that Lizzie is his niece.
NICK
What are you doing to do?
JOHN
Oh, I think we’re going to take care of this one ourselves.
John and Principal Owens move in for the kill.
-
For Jeff Chochran:
Fun scene! Quite a chaotic time for Trent who doesn’t know what’s coming. Okay so here is what I saw:
Arc/Situation: nailed this
Person 1 Traits:
Robert is very gregarious and smooth in his way with Trent and the crowd. Since I know the ending of the scene he’s also very secretive. The low self-esteem comes in when he has Ms. Vasquez do the beating.
Person 1 Subtext:
Robert has been talking about his deal with Trent maybe a little too much.
Person 2 Traits:
Trent is definitely conspiring to swindle Robert. I know he’s meticulous because he set the deal up but I didn’t actually see it in the script, maybe I missed something? He shows his aggressive side when he gets away from Robert to go to the pisser. LOL. Things have gotten away from Trent and we know it for sure when he says “I might be fucked.”
Person 2 Subtext:
He presents himself as wealthy but doesn’t pay for the party like he said he would, always lying “I always take care of my friends.”
Interest Techniques: Surprise, Character Change, Major Twist, Reveal.
Things I loved:
• I loved that Trent is confronted with so many people and it seems like he didn’t expect it. I suspect that he didn’t expect Monica’s Uncle Dominic at all and that that’s a problem. It’s an unraveling.
• I loved the reveal of Ms. Vasquez.
Things I wanted to see more of:
• Robert more involved at the ending, maybe either luring Trent to Ms. Vasquez and/or being in the room when he’s beaten by her.
• If Uncle Dominic wasn’t expected, for Trent to show that more.
Things I was confused by:
I think the biggest thing I was confused by was whether Trent was expecting all these people and Uncle Dominic. Was he there to swindle them all? Or did things get out of hand?
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For Rick Whitney:
So, I’m going to look at the scenes like Hal did, looking for all the pieces. Then add in my own 2 cents. Take what you need and leave the rest. Great job!
Situation and Arc: Both were there.
Robert Traits:
• Smooth
○ Team player, great with his teammates and coach. Telling Trent “Great Game”.
○ After gossiping about the money, he was smooth “I didn’t say anything because I thought you were my friend.”
○ Admitting he’s not the greatest quarterbacks
• Secretive
○ Pretends he doesn’t know what Trent is talking about.
• Gregarious
○ Leader. Addresses the team about the great game.
• Low Self-Esteem
○ Knows he’s not a great quarterback. He’s
• Gossip/Bringing people down
○ Telling the team Trent had swiped Robert’s parent’s money
Trent Traits:
• Conspiring
○ Did he conspire about anything?
• Aggressive
○ Gets after Robert in front of the team.
○ Brings out his cheating in front of the team.
• Meticulous
○ Is actually a good player and knows it
• Needy
○ Very upset about not getting the ball and not being used in the game.
• Wealthy/uses people at their expense
○ Did Trent buy his way onto the team? It seemed like he had some good points about his skill level.
Things I really liked:
• Seeing a situation of backstabbing being played out with men. It’s usually women who do this, at least in my experience. LOL
Things I wanted to see more of:
• I wanted to see whether Robert was right about the stealing of money or not in Trent’s reaction. Does the team believe Robert or Trent? How do they react? Is the coach there?
Things I was confused about:
• Did Trent buy his way onto the team? Is he as good as it seems like he knows he is?
• Robert got Trent to the trainers area to talk in private. Did the team follow them? It seemed like they did since Robert’s gossiping was to them. They were there. But then they bust into the area to stop the fight.
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For William Whelan:
So, I’m going to look at the scenes like Hal did, looking for all the pieces. Then add in my own 2 cents. Take what you need and leave the rest. Great job!
Situation and Arc: Both completely followed.
Robert Traits:
• Smooth
○ Trying hard in the opening to seem as cool as possible
○ He’s smooth in a way that suggests he’s not smooth at all. Uses his gregariousness to do this. But he’s more a toad. Is Robert actually smooth?
• Secretive
○ Since I’ve read the scene, I know that he WOULD hurt a woman, so his comment sets up secretiveness
○ “Tricks of my own”, another hint
• Gregarious
○ Very gregarious in the opening. Trying so hard. To the point of being offensive.
• Low Self-Esteem
○ Opening – trying to make Trent think he’s better than he knows he is.
○ Baseless threats. “I know people” “I’ve got connections” “Your ass is mine” – all while he’s on the ground.
* Gossip/Take down – With the exception of blaming Sandy for what he did, I didn’t see any gossiping or using it to take anyone down.
Trent Traits:
• Conspiring
○ The “looks can be deceiving” comment lightly point toward what’s coming.
○ Setting up Robert by telling him what he wants to hear about his hookup.
• Aggressive
○ The confrontation and the attack
○ The taking of the money
• Meticulous
○ Opening scene – making sure Robert understands the rules
○ He has the hotel room all set up.
• Needy
○ I didn’t really see any neediness on Trent’s part.
* Wealthy/use people at their own expense – Is Trent wealthy? He seems like a pimp, maybe he is. He definitely used what he has to take Robert down.
Things I really liked:
1. The name of the girl – Tiffany. You might be able to use it earlier to get Robert excited. As in diamonds.
2. That Robert got his.
Things I wanted to see more of:
1. Robert attempting to fight back.
2. Trent’s motivation for doing this thing. Maybe that’s where his neediness comes in? Maybe he’s in love with Sandy or something. Or maybe he’s mad because his merchandise has been damaged.
Things I was confused about:
1. What a Steam Card is. But since this is part of a bigger project I’m assuming that I’d have found out earlier. I also don’t understand the Instagram hookup, but like I said, I’m sure it was covered earlier.
Woot!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Karin Armbrust.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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I think we’re supposed to put the rewrites here and then the critiques in lesson 7. That’s what I’m doing…
——————————–
INT. BAR – EVENING
TRENT and ROBERT, both mid thirties men, suited, suave, stand at the bar and toast. A bartender is pulling a beer.
TRENT
You know Robert, taking Suzanne down is going to change your life.
The bartender looks at them suddenly, Robert notices.
ROBERT
Keep your voice down. We don’t want this getting out.
Robert takes out his wallet and hand the bartender a twenty.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
A couple more beers? And keep the change.
TRENT
Nice save.
ROBERT
I couldn’t have done it without you.
TRENT
(clearly pleased)
Stop it. I did nothing. It was all you.
ROBERT
Hey, I know who to side with. You, Trent buddy, have it all. Talent, money, and a way with the ladies! I want to be just like you.
They both laugh.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(yelling to the bar)
I love this guy!
They both survey the crowd. Robert looks over at Trent like he worships him. Trent notices and gives a little smile.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(to Robert)
Did you see Suzanne’s face when I told Mr. Owen about her relationship with his brother?
TRENT
I sure did. It was priceless. I never saw such an expression on a CEO’s face.
ROBERT
Oh, and when I passed around that she was a coke-head, no one could believe it! I couldn’t believe it when you told me! Don’t worry, I left your name out of it completely.
TRENT
I appreciate that.
ROBERT
We got each other’s backs.
Robert elbows Trent. Trent looks down at the place he was elbowed and looks at Robert.
They both look over to the door. Someone has just come in. It’s Suzanne, and she’s with a bunch of co-workers. She waves and Trent waves back smiling.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
What’s she doing here?
TRENT
Looks like she’s here to have a drink with her co-workers.
ROBERT
But, she’s out. I outted her!
TRENT
Did you really? What did you do?
Robert points over at Suzanne’s table.
ROBERT
I made sure that everyone knew what she was up to! Fraternization and drugs are not company policy!
Robert turns toward Suzanne’s table.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(yelling)
You’re not messing with my head! It’s policy! I just pointed it out!
TRENT
You know what else is not company policy? Spreading gossip and making unfounded accusations.
ROBERT
But they’re not unfounded. You know it’s the truth!
TRENT
Do I? I don’t know any such thing.
ROBERT
You told me all about it and…
TRENT
…what did I tell you, Robert.
ROBERT
You said that she was having an affair with…and that she was snorting coke!
TRENT
…You need to take responsibility for your actions, Robert.
ROBERT
Wait a minute. Are you? Oh no, you don’t. You set me up?
TRENT
You’re so easy, Robert.
ROBERT
I’m going to Mr. Owen.
Trent smiles and leans in.
TRENT
(whispering)
You think he’s going to believe you over me? You have a history of spreading gossip. You did this to yourself. You see that, don’t you?
Trent laughs
TRENT (CONT’D)
You latch onto anyone you think can help you. “Your so talented and rich, Trent! Let me lick your boots.” I will admit, I enjoyed it.
Trent looks over at Suzanne, smirking.
TRENT (CONT’D)
But Suzanne, well she has a lot more to offer me.
Trent finishes drink.
TRENT (CONT’D)
I invited you here to give you your pink slip, and your last paycheck.
Trent hands him an envelope. Robert takes it disbelievingly. Trent waves over at Suzanne and points to the back. She waves back, and then gives Robert a frown.
TRENT (CONT’D)
(yelling)
Hitting the head! I’ll be right over!
Trent turns to Robert.
TRENT (CONT’D)
It’s time to go, Robert. Don’t embarrass yourself anymore than you have already. No hard feelings? I thought not.
Trent turns and heads back to the restroom.
Robert clenches the envelope before letting it fall to the ground. Fury overtakes him. He notices the bartender is turned away and grabs a full bottle by the handle…
…And follows Trent.
END SCENE
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Note: It would be sure nice if we could add an attachment. Jus’ saying….
————————————
INT. BAR – EVENING
TRENT and ROBERT, both mid thirties men, suited, suave, stand at the bar and toast.
TRENT
You know Robert, taking Suzanne down is going to change your life.
ROBERT
Hey, I know who to side with. You, Trent buddy, have it all. Talent, wealth, and a way with the ladies! I want to be just like you.
They both laugh.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(yelling to the bar)
I love this guy!
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(to Robert)
Did you see Suzanne’s face when I told Mr. Owen about her relationship with his brother?
TRENT
I sure did. It was priceless. I never saw such an expression on a CEO’s face.
ROBERT
Oh, and when I passed around that she was a coke-head, no one could believe it! I couldn’t believe it when you told me! Don’t worry, I left your name out of it completely.
TRENT
I appreciate that.
ROBERT
We got each other’s backs.
Robert elbows Trent. Trent looks down at the place he was elbowed and looks at Robert.
They both look over to the door. Someone has just come in. It’s Suzanne, and she’s with a bunch of co-workers. She waves and Trent waves back.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
What’s she doing here?
TRENT
Looks like she’s here to have a drink with her co-workers.
ROBERT
But, she’s out. I outted her!
TRENT
Did you really? What did you do?
Robert points over at Suzanne’s table.
ROBERT
I made sure that everyone knew what she was up to! Fraternization and drugs are not company policy!
Robert turns toward Suzanne’s table.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(yelling)
You’re not messing with my head! It’s policy! I just pointed it out!
TRENT
You know what else is not company policy? Spreading gossip and making unfounded accusations.
ROBERT
But they’re not unfounded. You know it’s the truth!
TRENT
Do I? I don’t know any such thing.
ROBERT
You told me all about it and…
TRENT
…what did I tell you, Robert.
ROBERT
You said that she was having an affair with…and that she was snorting coke!
TRENT
…You need to take responsibility for your actions, Robert.
ROBERT
Wait a minute. Are you? Oh no, you don’t. I’m going to Mr. Owen.
Trent smiles and leans in.
TRENT
(whispering)
You think he’s going to believe you over me? You have a history of spreading gossip. You did this to yourself. You see that, don’t you?
Trent finishes drink.
TRENT (CONT’D)
I invited you here to give you your pink slip, and your last paycheck.
Trent hands him an envelope. Robert takes it disbelievingly.
ROBERT
You son of a…
Trent waves over at Suzanne and points to the back.
TRENT
(yelling)
Hitting the head! I’ll be right over!
Trent turns to Robert.
TRENT (CONT’D)
It’s time to go, Robert. Don’t embarrass yourself anymore than you have already. Suzanne just has more to offer me. No hard feelings?
Trent turns and heads back to the restroom.
Robert clenches the envelope before letting it fall to the ground. Fury overtakes him. He notices the bartender is turned away and grabs a full bottle by the handle…
…And follows Trent.
END SCENE
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Karin Armbrust. Reason: Weird formatting stuff
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Karin Armbrust Max Interest Part 1
Logline: Daniel tries to cover up how badly he is doing in his workplace.
Essence: Barbara discovers that Daniel is not the man she has always thought he was.
Techniques: Surprise, character changes radically, major twist.
What I learned is that I can really make a rather simple exciting and dramatic.
INT. BEDROOM – SAME EVENING
Daniel is going through a pile of papers while Barbara paces the room.
Daniel
I’m glad that’s over.
Barbara
Yeah, you called it. I should have listened to you.
DANIEL
I know, right?
BARBARA
But you found your way through it and held your own.
DANIEL
I did, didn’t I?
BARBARA
Yeah you did. They really respected you.
DANIEL
Yeah…
BARBARA
I can see that they are very happy with hiring you in the first place! Soon, you’ll be the manager, maybe even the CEO!
DANIEL
Lets not get ahead of ourselves.
BARBARA
It’s a done deal! I’ve been thinking of redoing the kitchen. I think it’s time to start!
DANIEL
Well, maybe we should wait…
BARBARA
Why wait? This is going to be so great!
DANIEL
Barbara, stop. The kitchen is fine the way it is.
BARBARA
Last week you were cursing the oven.
DANIEL
No I wasn’t. Don’t you think you’re getting a bit emotional about this?
BARBARA
You’re going to switch this back on me?
DANIEL
I just think you’re being unrealistic.
BARBARA
I know Daniel.
DANIEL
You know? There’s something to know?
BARBARA
Don’t gaslight me. I know about the contract, and the competition.
DANIEL
I don’t know what you mean. Have you taken your medication?
BARBARA
I know that you could be let go in two weeks. I know that Suzanne is the shoe in. I know that you’re manager is not on your side.
Daniel hangs his head.
DANIEL
I don’t know where you got these ideas.
BARBARA
“I don’t know where you got these ideas.” Oh please.
Barbara reaches under the pillow and pulls out a gun.
DANIEL
Why do you have the gun out?
BARBARA
“Why do you have the gun out, Barbara?”
DANIEL
Just put the gun down.
BARBARA
I’ll put it down, just tell the truth.
Daniel sits down on the bed.
DANIEL
I signed a three month contract. Only one of us gets the job. It’s not going well for me.
Barbara puts the gun under the pillow.
BARBARA
You didn’t tell me.
DANIEL
I thought it wouldn’t ever be an issue. I saw Mr. Pratt. I saw that he was a lot like me. Quiet, detail oriented, and had a good sense of integrity.
BARBARA
Integrity? You lied to me!
DANIEL
I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth.
BARBARA
I’m not one of your clients, don’t try to blow smoke up my rear end!
Daniel tries to take Barbara’s hand. Barbara pulls away and gets to her feet. She gets a pillow and a blanket and hands it to him and then shows him the door. He takes a step out. She closes the door on his defeated face.
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arin Armbrust Profiles People.
I learned that the more diverse the character is, the more interesting they are. Or the more annoying they can be to me personally. LOL.
Person 1:
Brilliant
Charming
Hard-headed
Manipulative
Person 2:
Intelligent
Creative
Defensive
Selfish
Person 3:
Fun
Bitter
Entitled
Harsh/Biting
Testing: No test was done due to none of these people are really available to me at the last minute and would probably be flummoxed if I tried.
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Karin Armbrust puts Essence to Work
What I learned is…I need to have a clear idea of my goal. When I originally wrote Wife, I had no idea what the essence was. I seem to be going to a lot of effort to indirectly show different aspects. I think I need to restructure the whole thing. Whose story is this? Daniel’s or Barbara’s?
Script I choose: Wife
Scene 1 Location: Page 4 of Act I
Logline: Daniel makes a really big mess in the bathroom.
Essence I’ve discovered: Daniel and Barbara have been playing the “make the mess in the bathroom” game since they were kids. Their relationship is a game.
New Logline: Daniel makes a mess in the bathroom in order to please his wife, who enjoys being horrified about it.
Scene 2 Location: End of Act I
Logline: Barbara discovers that Daniel has been keeping things from her and threatens him with a gun to get the truth..
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a loss of trust and faith.
New Logline: Barbara realizes that Daniel is not the man she thought he was.
Scene 3 Location: Top of Act II
Logline: Daniel attempts to put Barbara’s advice to use, but continues to mess up causing his co-workers to mock him.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s not in Daniel’s nature to do what Barbara tells him what to do.
New Logline: Daniel attempts to put Barbara’s advice to use, but continues to fail in the attempt.
Note: get rid of the Nick/Suzanne conversation. Not important.
Scene 4 Location: A bit later
Logline: Daniel gets his legs kicked out from under him at a meeting.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a temptation scene. Can his co-workers affect him to mess up even more?
New Logline: Daniel’s co-workers seem like they are going to include him, in order to manipulate him. Does Daniel bite?
Scene 5 Location: Mid Point
Logline: Daniel and Barbara argue about the events of the previous night.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a turning point for Daniel. This is where he decides to take matters into his own hands.
New Logline: Daniel takes back control of his life from Barbara and choses to take action.
This script just needs to be rethought but it’s a good one to practice on.
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Karin Armbrust Finds the Essence
What I learned is things are much more complicated than I thought. That small things can have a dramatic impact.
Script I choose: Midsommar
(https://assets.scriptslug.com/live/pdf/scripts/midsommar-2019.pdf)
—————————–
Scene 1 Location: Bedroom – NIGHT
Logline:
An insecure woman who is afraid for her sister and parents attempts to get support from her boyfriend and fails.
Essence:
Dani is alone in this world.
Scene 2 Location: Kitchen – NIGHT
Logline:
A distraught, insecure woman is taking all the blame for her relationship while talking to a friend.
Essence:
Dani feels completely responsible for her boyfriend’s behavior.
Scene 3 Location: Mark & Josh’s Apartment – Day
Logline:
When Dani’s boyfriend invites Dani to join them in Sweden, he doesn’t expect her to say yes. But then Pelle, one of his friends, ensures she comes.
Essence:
Pelle starts his seduction of Dani.
Scene 4 Location: Farmstead Kitchen – Day
Logline:
Dani is accepted as one of them and invited to participate in a dance where she becomes the May Queen.
Essence:
Dani continues to be seduced into the community. Pelle and the community shower her with affection.
Scene 5 Location: Field – Last scene of movie
Logline:
Dani processes her action of sacrificing her boyfriend and burning him alive.
Essence:
Dani celebrates becoming one of the members of this group, celebrates the death of her boyfriend, and celebrates knowing that she’ll never be a lone again.
——————————
My selection for most profound essence: The final scene and the completed seduction of Dani. Just seeing her face change in the movie haunts me.
INT. SACRED HOUSE – SAME TIME120 120
The fire has grown considerably. Inside the bear, Christian
is now being steam-boiled in the animal’s fluids.
The bear’s FUR begins to catch fire. Before long, the whole
animal is swallowed in the blaze. Christian’s wretched face
becomes invisible behind the flames.
Ulf and Ingemar (still smiling) watch this with detached
fascination.
The fire has now spread to other piles of hay. It has begun
to crawl up the walls of the house.
Ulf is suddenly consumed by flames. He SCREAMS!
EXT. FIELD – SAME TIME121 121
Ulf’s screams are heard from the Sacred House. Suddenly, every
member of the Hårgan community (who is not singing) begins to
SCREAM as well. Feeling Ulf’s pain, they emit a horrible chorus
of wails. When Ulf’s screams die down, so do theirs.
Meanwhile, Ruben has been given paper to PAINT on. Two elders
encourage him.
DANI, watching the burning house with fraught eyes, is suddenly
met with a wave of conflicting emotions. Her expression curdles
into one of sheer HORROR and DISGUST. Then it becomes one of
deep SORROW and SHAME. Her eyes well with tears. The singing
has now HARMONIZED and has risen to an insane, operatic pitch.
We cut to an immense WIDE. Dani’s back is in the f.g. and the
burning house is in the b.g. Overcome, Dani buries her face in
her hands. Breaking into gentle sobs, she begins to walk
aimlessly to the side. We TRACK alongside her, keeping her
centered. She is circling the house, pulling at her hair and face
in increasing anguish. She is WEEPING now, and the house (ever-
present in the b.g.) has become ENGULFED in the raging flames.
Dani begins MOANING and SCREAMING. Her howls almost harmonize
with the singing in the b.g. The fire ROARS and CRACKLES in
the distance. It’s apocalyptic.
Soon it’s uncertain whether Dani is crying or LAUGHING. Her
legs become weak and she collapses to her knees. Four Hårgans
(one of them being Pelle) run into the scene, carrying a
LARGE CHAIR – Dani’s throne.
The Hårgans lift Dani by the arms and SEAT her in the throne.
They then HOIST the chair into the air.
On the upward LIFT, we cut to a tight CLOSE-UP of Dani’s face.
She is being carried forward. Her expression, which begins as
one of great distress, slowly starts to TURN. Her agony
subsides into sudden CONFUSION. What’s happening? Where am I?
I’m on this chair, being carried! Her expression goes from
FEAR to EXCITEMENT to CONFUSION again. She suddenly lets out
an abrupt LAUGH (which we can’t hear over the music and the
now-deafening FIRE). Dani is now being taken over by an *
invading sense of pride and contentment. This soon evolves
into a manic exhilaration. Dani BEAMS. She has been embraced
by a new family. She is Queen. She is not alone.
A SMILE finally breaks onto Dani’s face. She has surrendered to
a joy known only by the insane. She has lost herself completely,
and she is finally free. It is horrible and it is beautiful.
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Hi, I’m Karin Armbrust!
I’ve written a couple of short scripts, one full length script that needs a lot of help, and there is an idea I’ve been mulling over for a while. Lately I’ve been focusing on sketch comedy and have started a video series project. I tend to jump around a lot.
What I’m hoping to get out of this class is several fold. 1) Ideas on how to make my scripts better 2) Jump start my creativity. I’ve been in a funk and need some help.
Ever watch “Strange Luck”? I’m a bit like that. I’ve had incredible luck in my life, both good and bad. I’ve made decisions that led to college, the Navy, stand-up, and more. And I’ve been carjacked, kidnapped several times (Men in Italy are weird. They take the film “Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down” a bit too seriously), and being targeted by bad people. Some days I wish my life was a bit more mellow. But there is a lot of fodder there.
I’m looking forward to this class. I’m still not sure how it works. I know it’s 30 days/lessons, but is it every day? Every other day?
Cheers,
-Karin
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Karin Armbrust. I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi William,
Fun scene. That Renee is a nasty bit of goods. LOL.
Okay, so I saw all the traits and subtext, except for conformist for Renee. She said some conformish things but sarcastically.
For the interest techiniques I saw: Dilemma, Predictions, Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue and Uncomfortable Moment.
Cheers,
-Karin
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Hi Rick! Nice scene! I see all the traits and Maxine’s subtext. I’m wondering what Renee has to win.</div><div>
With that in mind I’d like to make a pitch: What if Renee was the killer and she set up Maxine to take the fall? Or, or, what if Bill isn’t dead and Renee sets up Maxine to take the abuse charge to get her out of the picture? She did hit Bill first.
Cheers,
-Karin
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Karin Armbrust. Reason: random
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Thanks for your feedback William!
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Hi William,
Nice ride along scene. So, did Nancy actually set him up? Cliffhanger!
If she did set him up, I see all the traits from Nancy. With the exception of evasiveness, I saw all the traits for Squire. And I saw the subtext.
Interest Techniques I saw: Suspense, Character change, Intrigue, Prediction, Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Uncomfortable moment, and Cliffhanger.
Cheers,
-Karin
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Thanks Rick!
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Thanks William!
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Hi Jeff!
Loved that twist with Nancy setting him up. And apparently taking Karen’s place.
I saw all the traits and subtext in the scene.
Interest techniques I saw: Major twist, suspence, surprise, mislead/reveal, uncertainty, predictions, something unseen, creating a future, anticipatory dialogue and a cliffhanger.
I really want to know what they are going to do with Squire.
Cheers,
-Karin
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Nice scene Rick!
I can see all the traits for both characters, although the caring part in Nancy could also be taken as scheming.
I can see the seductiveness of Squire but I didn’t see him trying to control anyone using it. Maybe I’m missing something?
Interest traits I saw: Intrigue, predictions, mystery, creating a future, cliffhanger, anticipatory dialogue, something unseen, uncomfortable moment, suspense, major twist, interesting setting, intrigue.
You got a lot in there! Woot! Great work!
-Karin
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Hi Jeff,
Nice scene. Loved the location. Okay, here’s what I saw:
I see most of the character traits in the dialogue. I don’t really see Loner for John, maybe it’s something already known? And Nick’s giving the locket to the woman. I don’t really see it as giving as much as him torturing her.
In terms of interest techniques I saw: Intrigue, Superior Position (due to the locket), and Interesting setting.
Nice!
Cheers,
-Karin
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Hi Rick,
Great scene! I really enjoyed it. So, here’s what I saw.
You hit all the character traits in the lists and also the subtexts.
For the interest techniques I saw: Suspense, a mislead/reveal, character change, betrayal, hope/fear, Intrigue.
Nice job!
Cheers,
-Karin
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Hi William!
Nice scene! I see all the character traits in the dialogue, although the loner part of Robert was done by Nick.
Subtext-wise I saw Nicks, with his trying to manipulate Robert. For Robert I saw a bit, with him seemingly like he might go along with the program and then backing out.
As far as interest techniques I saw: Interesting setting, a small mislead/reveal, uncertainty, and intrigue.
Cheers,
-Karin
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I almost did a military setting as well. I wonder what the other guys decide on!
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Thanks William!
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I just saw this, Margaret. Things are a bit confusing. I’d just do what you can and get as much out of it as you can. Don’t give up! You can do it!
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Thanks for your feedback Rick! I tried really hard to not telegraph the betrayal and make Trent just awful.