[Kate Hawkes]

Hi everyone

I’ve been lost in the world of live theatre and am happy to be back, posting for Iast time. Tak you Hal and Cheryl for making this available – the journey and education, and all of you for your courage, writing and support. I hope some of us stay in touch. Please feel free to email me! Cheers and BEST to all.

Final Draft Letter ( for now)

Dear Film Producer,

A young actress stumbles onto her long-lost father and into a sting operation against him.

After the death of her mother (Amahla), 7year-old Nia, abandoned by her father (Darrogh), has built an idealized image of him. When her touring theatre troupe rolls into his community, Nia discovers dreams and reality don’t match.

Befriended by the fiery Luciana, who leads the opposition to her father, Nia’s long suppressed memories crowd in.

The past triangular relationship of Luciana, Amahla and Darrogh fuel the war today as he buys up land for the worlds’ largest landfill. Nia believes the love between father and daughter can save them all.

Caught between a relationship with her narcissistic father or saving the community from him, Nia unearths the truth.

If ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ sounds interesting to you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Sincerely,

Kate Hawkes

Kate’s screenplays and stories have placed in contests including 2nd round of Austin and 1/4 finalist in the San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, Portland Screenplay Awards, ScreenCraft Stage Play Writing Competition and ScreenCraft Cinematic Short Story Writing Competition.

503-351-3331

Kate@wellnesswithkate.com

[Kate Hawkes]

Wow June – you did all this??

Hmm – I am impressed and inspired and want to have the courage and committment do what you did!!!

Contacted a hundred producers connected with Romantic comedies, written, called and followed up. Sent at least 50 scripts copies out. Signed up for IMDB and posted my resume there Blasted my query & pitched online Entered at least 15 festivals/contests who focus on romance and women. Made a plan to visit LA and make the rounds. Asked for help from the Philly film office. Secured an agent. Post my logline online.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Career Plan

What I learned from this lesson is it is easy to dream big, next level of effort is to articulate a plan to do the dream, then the BIG ONE is to DO it… I need it come up with a very visible wall chart/calendar or some such so I do the plan. Or get a Plan Buddy….It would be useful to think of it/approach it the same way I produce a play. Deadlines help.

1. Please tell us the answers to these questions about your next six months of activity:

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

(at the risk of repeating a previous plan

• get a Manager

• to get a script of any length optioned

• to place in at least the semi-finals of a well-regarded contest/competition

• produce/market the short film I wrote that is just getting off the ground

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

• Revisit this: Philosophy Tip #8: Kaizen: 1% Improvement Per Day = 365% Per Year.

• TOTE with at least 2 of my existing scripts including the one from this course)

(this of course includes feedback)

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

• Develop good pitches for the scripts I have as I continue to work on them

• Maybe try intentionally getting one Marketable concept and write something entirely new using the lessons from this course. (Another 6-month course in other words)

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

Indie drama, magical realism.

“I write fascinating characters whose stories bridge the worlds of reality and dreams, inviting new ways to discover and embrace our humanity.”

E. How are you going build a stronger network?

• Social Media – 3 days a week = 30 minutes new stuff

3 days a week follow up op leads etc leading to:

• Producers, actors as targeted

• 2 days a week (min) check-in with Pro-series Alumni and Stage 32

• Create and keep decent spread sheets per interaction

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

• Use Stage 32 for webinars, blog posts etc

• Via the Social Media and PSA interactions glean/learn what I can

• Ask questions where I am confused or quite ignorant!

• Work with and build my base as per fans/champions etc

• Print out this part of today’s lesson and out it with that Wall chart!

G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?

• Select 3-4 contests that fit my writing, use those deadlines to keep me on track and share that journey with close friends, via social media, on my website etc

• produce my short and with the team do good Marketing around that

• share any advances with my network

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate knows T.O.T.E.

What I learned from this lesson is it requires a shift of brain focus into – yes! the business person. It’s a stretch but also a good change of pace in between working on the script.

How I am going to use the TOTE Process

A. MY PS81 SCRIPT. (and when I have time the other 3 sitting in a file)

TEST ¬send ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ to 2 people from this group

and 2 experienced actor/friends I trust

OPERATE – Based upon their comments

Analyze feedback and incorporate or change.

Rewrite, improving the script by applying the steps learned in this course

TEST

send out to 1-2 professional readers via linkedIn and/or Stage 32

send to an appropriate contest

if that goes well go to Exit,

if not Repeat Operate with that info

ReTEST – as above w/ different people unless someone offers to read it again.

then if well received go to

EXIT

to the appropriate Producer or actor as per the Targeting exercise.

B. MY QUERY LETTERS/PITCH .

TEST ¬

pitching in person or Zoom to actor/director/friends who I know like film

Create a matrix for responses kind of like we did for the very first Concept Pitch

by email/letter to 2-4 people from this group.

OPERATE

Based upon their response, rework the weak s spots

go back to the script for better hooks if needs be

TEST

as above but different people – Via Stage 32 and LinkedIn

Small low budget producers.

EXIT –

Send to producers/actors as per the first part if this module

c. BUILDING MY NETWORK.

Make a daily schedule for building and maintaining contacts:

LinkedIn: comment, etc

Stage 32: use this resource much more

Twitter: get that darned thing happening.. – make comments on producer/director’s posts.

(but I won’t have it on my phone)

Facebook: maybe I have to come back to it…..

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Antonio,
thank you for your feedback . I just posted V2.

Some comments

great opening hook

Wonder if this can somehow be one sentence?

But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!

Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one.

something like:

Parisa blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. She’s is a dancer, a cheerleader, but not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!

and this could be shorter? – less detail..cut to the key

Her uncle, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance.” He asks some mysterious latin and salsa instructors to exploit her dancing skills and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira fighter in no time.

I like the last bit about to whom it would appeal.. even if not asked to do that.

Its is so much easier (at least for me) to edit other peoples. With mine I get stuck in a whirlpool.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cam

I am very late to this party having been on the road for a few days. I did just post V2 if you have time to look at it.

some comments:

Iove your opening line from your script. Says so much in terms of character, energy and issue!

and the set up is good

This feels long and a little confusing?
After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, and they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, Isaiah is obsessed with the parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret. But he’ll have to trust his developmentally challenged child in the same crisis that killed his wife a year ago.

and then the ending Q is great!

I am wondering of it is best to use a Q format or a or/maybe format with mine…

I put both there..

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S QUERY LETTER V 2

(with thanks to Dev and Antonio)

Dear Film Producer,

The truth may hurt but it can also set us free. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.

A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation against him.

Luciana swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh will pay for his vengeful development plans as Nia and the theatre troupe set up camp in a green field.

Seeing her, Luciana makes the sign of the cross, Darrogh is stunned. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the festering past or a new beginning.

Darrogh reveals he is her father, her dream come true until she discovers reality and dreams don’t match and suppressed memories crowd in.

Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community create a ‘play’ for real, in order to con her dad. But can Nia also have relationship with him built on the truth?

OR IS THIS Last para BETTER

Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community play for real, in order to con her dad. But Nia is also determined to have a relationship with him built on the truth.

Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.

If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Sincerely,

Kate Hawkes

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT 10

KATE’S QUERY LETTER DRAFT ONE
(but different to Assignment 9)

What I learned is I can’t edit this – please all dive in!

(Oh and I am on the road – sitting in a hotel room in Winnemucca,NV! About to disappear into a remote hot spring (not ideal timing I know).

Will emerge Thursday noonish.. I look forward to reading yours and getting your feedback.)

Dear Film Producer,

We are set free when we know the truth. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.

A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.

Nia’s African-American Mother, Amahla, died when she was 6, her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, and she has an idealized story of her devastated father doing good in the world..

18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.

The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.

Believing that love can change the bitter, narcissistic man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.

The troupe’s final performance reveals all. Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.

The Author

Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.

If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Sincerely,

Kate Hawkes

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT (9)

KATE’S QUERY LETTER

What I learned doing this assignment is how hard it is to know what to leave in and what to leave out for short synopsis.

A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.

After her Mother died when she was 6 and her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, Nia has dreamed of who her father is and wondered about her mother’s death.

18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.

The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla – Nia’s black mother – fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.

Believing that love can change the man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.

Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.

– Bio

Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.

– Request

If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Sincerely,

Kate Hawkes

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT
———————
Kate has Lots of Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is I have many hooks- maybe not all unique characteristics but certainly evolving characters. And they seem to equate with Lead character, 2nd Lead, and Main Supporting.

LEAD CHARACTERS: hooks describing something unique and/or evolving
• NIA

4,6,7,11,17,18,20,22,25,26,30,26,38,42,44,47,

• DARROGH
9,11,12,15,21,22,28,30,37,40,42,48,50,52

• LUCIANA

1,2,3,7,12,16,17,23,24,36,37,49

List of ALL the hooks in your script.(Numbered)

1) Luciana making tortillas, with her hairless Mexican dog

2) Cursing/threatening Darrogh

3) Speaking with lots of Spanish

4) Nia falling off the bus

5) The youthful travelling theatre troupe arrives

6) Nia taking to her dead mother feeling something great is going to happen

7) Locals and Troupe meet in bar – Luciana ‘faked’ permission for them, to stay there – what will

Darrogh do?

8) Luciana very taken with Nia who she realizes she knows.

9) Darrogh alone on the steps of his house at night

10) Darrogh has a flashback to a young woman as he watches Nia on stage

11) D tells Nia he is her father

12)Luciana and D meet and allude to their bitter past and exchange challenges re Nia and the land

13) Shaunn tells his Mother not to come

14) Bill expresses to D distrust in the theatre troupe

15) D asks Nia not to hang with the locals, gives her a bicycle

16) 1st Town meeting opposing D and his plans with a better one.

17) Luciana tries to get to know Nia better making Nia uncomfortable

18) Nia dares Shaunn to get to know his Mother as she is getting to know her Father

19) 2^nd town meeting – D offering to buy all the land for a landfill

20) Nia offers to help change her dad’s mind

21) D dismisses her concerns adding she is too much like her Mother.

22) Nia has a flashback to a fight between her parents when she was 5

23) Luciana tells Nia she knew her Mother they were friends in college

24) Towns people decide to set up a sting op against D

25) Nia goes along with it even as she thinks her Dad can change with her love

26) Nia gets the acting troupe on bd

27) Shaunn asks his business woman Mother for help

28) 1st ‘businessmen’ meeting with D – he wants more

29) Bill tells D Nia has ben hanging with Luciana

30) D and Nia have a huge fight – he tells her Luciana is a lesbian and caused her Mother’s death then throws her out

31) Nia has a 2^nd flashback – to when D threw her mother out

32) Nia returns to the camp

33) Bulldozers arrive at the field where the troupe are camped

34) 2^nd Biz proposal – he wants more time

35) Min ( Shaunn’s Mom) arrives unexpectedly to help

36) Nia and Luciana have it out – Luciana tells her what really happened

37) Nia has a flashback to that scene with her parents and Luciana

38) Nia catches Bill watching her and calls him out

39) 3^rd meeting The ‘businessmen’ led by Min – he will announce what he’ll do at Saturdays last show

40) D offers if Nia comes back he will take care of everyone – she declines

41) Idea to do a play to expose D regardless of what choice D makes – 2 endings

42) Nia gives D one more chance to tell her the truth about her Mother and him – he can’t do it

43) The night of the final show – D chooses to partner with the fake businessmen and the con is revealed – the community keep their land

44) Nia does mono from Othello where Desdemona pleads for her life right before O kills her in a jealous rage -dressed in her mother’s clothing

45) Shaunn and his Mother come to appreciate each other

46) Luciana shows Nia the last letter from her Mother where she says D is killing her by not letting her see her daughter. (Nia) and offers her a forever home/family

47) Nia makes one last effort to connect with her Dad and own his part in her mother’s death.

48) he cant do it, she says goodbye

49) she reads a letter from Luciana offering her a forever home/family and saying she’ll take care of Darrogh

50) Darrogh writing at his desk – gun cabinet open

51) Bus leaving, Nia on it reading Letter

52) D dead on steps of his house as Luciana arrives

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

What I learned from this lesson is as I hone in on what is marketable, questions arise. Does that mean I have to make certain characters more involved/ stronger? And how much re-writing is that without losing the story I want to tel.

1. Write a logline for your screenplay for each of the 3 formulas:

a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.

• Nia finds her long absent Father and wants to save a rural community from his development plans, but must change him in order to do keep both.

b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.

• Nia wants relationship with her long absent Father but the reality of who he is and the revelations about her mother’s death force her to let go of childhood dreams.

c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).

• After finding her idealized long absent father, Nia is caught between the reality of him and the rural community he is destroying, ultimately learning the truth about her mother and choosing to be free.

2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.

• Biggest Hook – strong, multi-cultural women fighting development with a big sting operation

• Why
does an abandoned 20-something, half-black actress joins forces with a fiery Latina
‘pseudo’- mayor and enlist a Chinese businesswoman to put the ‘sting’ on a developer
– her Father – who is planning the world largest landfill?

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment is I like this part of marketing although Ihave very hard time seeing what I actually have. – the forest for the trees as it were.

Current Logline

AMAHLA’S DAUGHTER

A young African-American actress finds her idealized long absent father in a small rural community where the theatre troupe is preforming, and when the fiery Latina ‘mayor’ leads a sting operation against his development plans finds herself caught in the middle, as she uncovers the truth of mother’s death and ultimately sets herself free.

10 Components of Marketability – two that have the most potential for selling this script.

G. Wide audience appeal.

• It is a classic underdogs defeat powerful rich guy, populated by a rich mix of Characters;
• 2 x50+ key women characters – a fiery Latina (lead) and Chinese American businesswoman (supporting)
• 20+ African American actress (Lead)
• 20+ Chinese American male (Supporting)
• 60+ white ‘charming bad guy’ (Lead)
• 6 additional 20+ actors
• A wealthy orphaned/abandoned young woman with a travelling theatre troupe
• a mystery about her parents relationship and mother’s death
• a sting operation to defeat the land grab – to develop a landfill
• a love story killed by jealousy
• a play within a play

J. Great role(s) for a bankable actor(s).

Nia: 20+ ½ white/1/2 black woman, her coming of age story. An orphaned/abandoned young woman traveling with a touring theatre troupe. Carrying idealized images of her parents and particularly her father who she hasn’t seen in 16 years – whose repressed memories surface when she finds him again against the backdrop of the potential destruction of this rural community at his hands.

Luciana: 50+ Lesbian, Latina, flamboyant, fiery, loyal. Saving her town from a despicable developer with whom she had personal dealings 20 years before, she orchestrates a sting operation against Darrogh, who she holds responsible for her best friend’s death 16 years ago. After Nia arrives, she finds forgiveness and love again.

Darrogh: 60+ wealthy, bitter, paranoid, lonely and revengeful. After his wife died, he left his 7 year old daughter with his parents and set out in revenge on the woman (Luciana) that he blamed – incorrectly – for the death. Ultimately he cannot live with his pain, loss and the humiliation of being tricked by the very community he was setting out to destroy along with his daughters’ refusal to be owned by him.

Min: 50+ Chinese American business women, Tiger Mother. Instrumental in working with Luciana to make the business sting work

Shaunn: Chinse-American , 20+, in the troupe with Nia, a key player/actor in the sting, would do anything for Nia even work with his mother.

3. Ways to elevate those two components for this script. It is just inherent in the story – it is the story

How I might pitch the script through the two components.

A 23 year old African American actress on tour, with 2 50+ women – fiery Latina community leader and Chinese American businesswoman – use theatre to con an arrogant, greedy vengeful developer who also happens to be her father, saving a rural community from becoming the worlds’ largest landfill.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate is Expanding his/her Network

What I learned doing this assignment is this the hardest part of the entire course. My self-talk about ‘hunting people down’ and ‘stalking’ them is crippling.

A. MY PLAN

Dedicate 20-30 minutes a day on Twitter,LinkedIn,Stage 32 and DMM

with a view to add people to levels 2,3 and 4

Update loglines etc on the sites where I have them

Work on my existing scripts to improve them (3 of them)

Complete this course’s script

Do the pre-production work on my short (to shoot in Nov) including the social media stuff

Pluck up courage do at least 1 live pitchfest with Stage 32

Connect with at least 10 of the producer/actors I listed in Assignment 2

Build better relationships with the industry people listed in Assignment 4

Get therapy to overcome my aversion to selling myself

Win the lottery to pay for all of this time!

B. Your Twitter address

@KateMHawkes

C. The producers you followed

James Ganiere

Justine Bateman

Wes Craven

Lee Gadney

Magnolia Pictures

D. Your experience of approaching producers this way.

Zip
at this time…

[Kate Hawkes]

Subject: Kate’s Network

What I learned doing this assignment is I am not good at developing connections.

What potential I already see in my network is a slim wedge that could grow.

MY NETWORK

Your ProSeries (any of 1-3)

Dev
Antonio

Lisa

Cameron

June

ProSeries Alumni
0

Writer’s Group 1.
Dev 1-3

Scott 1

Micki 1-2

In the Industry People
Stephanie – Line Producer 2-3
Kimby – DP 2-3

Joe – All rounder 3-4

Brian – DP 1

Christopher – Editor 1

Gerard -Actor/writer 1-3

Vicki – Sound 2-3

Linked In – 396 connections/410 followers

DMM – 267

Mara

FB – 1.7K
mostly 1

a few 3

Stage 32 – 70

mostly 2 and 3

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need more faith in my script and my capacity to really connect with this assignment. It is hard to do something that I don’t think will pay off.

My campaign goal is to get a script made into a movie from outside LA

3 main STRATEGIES

1) Simultaneous submissions to every producer connected with a specific actor.

2) Do a Social Network campaign to attract producers.

3) connect directly to the potential lead actor(s)

4) connect with producers/directors I met via the Sedona Film Festival

TACTICS that fit your strategies and campaign.

1) – connect via LinkedIn and DMM, Stage 32 and FB

– find via IMB

– pitchfests

– post scripts at Coverfly, ISA, Moviebytes, Stage 32

2) – connect via LinkedIn and DMM, Stage 32 and FB

3) – connect via LinkedIn

– find via IMB

– pitchfests

4) – direct email them via the lists I have

– LinkedIn

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is I don’t know many movies…

But I do write with clearly defined actor types in mind.

AMAHLA’S DAUGHTER

A young actress finds that her idealized long absent father wants to destroy a small town that she has come to love – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a paternal figure in her life, ultimately facing the truth of her family.

Drama

1. Movies Like Mine – there aren’t really any..

but a mix of:

The Sting
Secrets and Lies

Family Secrets

Enola Holmes (sort of)

Actors:
Salma Hayek

Jennifer Lopez
Michelle Yeoh

Yara Sharidi

Willem Dafoe

2. I actually looked via at the actors’ movies I thought would be interested…

darn wont let me paste…

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Project and Market

What I learned today is I have no idea what to do with a logline, but know who this story would appeal to.

1. Logline/Genre.

A young actress finds that her idealized long absent father wants to destroy a small town that she has come to love – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a paternal figure in her life, ultimately facing the truth of her family.

Drama

2. What is most attractive about your story.

The story features strong roles for actresses of color, particularly middle age; a family mystery; a small town pitched against a revengeful developer, and a traveling theatre group of young people.

3. I would target Actors first

2 50s Actress – both Latina and Asian. Complicated, strong women roles

1 60s man – a complicated man of uncompromising beliefs whose redemption is questionable

6 Young actors – 20s, male and female, various ethnicities. 1Strong lead for Afro-American female

[Kate Hawkes]

VERISION 3

I cut out the last 2 scenes I was including in the last 2 versions….and hope this works
so it is waaay shorter.. however.. is it enough?

SYNOPSIS

Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.

Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.

The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion.

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.

Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!

She laughs.

LUCIANA

¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.

She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I’m great!

Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectile, quietly. No fuss.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all?

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. Good thing this is the last stop of the tour.It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

SHAUNN

To get here before dark. You shouldn’t have had that bison burger – as a newly practicing vegetarian.

Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits. She grins, followed by a little burp.

NIA

Ooh! That’s better.You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!

SHAUNN

You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.

Nia starts to stand.

SHAUNN

Here, let me help you.

Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.

NIA

Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!

SHAUNN

The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?

He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.

NIA

I love this time of night.

Nia taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.

NIA

This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.

“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”

SHAUNN

Beautiful. Who said that?

NIA

It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.

She looks off.

SHAUNN

I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.

Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.

NIA

Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.

Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.

And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!

SHAUNN

Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?

NIA

One more rinse.

Nia rinses vigorously and spits again.

NIA

Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!

SHAUNN

You and those feelings!

NIA

Seriously – this last town? Gonna’

be spectacular!

She grins and hands back the water bottle..

NIA

(brightly)

Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!

SHAUNN

There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.

Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.

NIA

Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the travel sickness thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!

Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.

EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER

Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.

NIA

(whispering)

What do you think, Mom? Maybe here? It’s not over – yet. There’s still time.

INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)

Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)

A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.

NIA

It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.

SARAH

The old couple over there.

MICHAEL

And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!

SHAUNN

And we’ll never-ever leave!

AT THE BAR

IAN

Where are they staying?

DAVE

Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.

IAN

A shame her Grandpa lost that.

DAVE

He was cheated out of it.

IAN

Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.

LUIS

I’d love to get it back.

IAN

Who wouldn’t?

LUIS

Take a miracle.

SUSAN

Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!

AT THE OTHER TABLE

SYLVIE

I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.

HAROLD

Is it one of those Shakespeare things?

SYLVIE

Yes, and you‘ll like it.

HAROLD

I never understand them.

FRANCIS

What one are they doing?

HAROLD

Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.

FRANCIS

That’s them over there. We can go ask.

SYLVIE

Oh yes. Come on.

She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.

AT THE OTHER TABLE

MERCEDES

Here they come!

As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.

SYLVIE

Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.

The ‘standers’ all shake hands.

Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.

MERCEDES

I’m Mercedes.

Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.

SARAH

Sarah!

Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.

NIA

Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.

SYLVIE

Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.

TIM

Please, take a seat.

Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.

Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.

FRANCIS

Ready for the play?

SHAUNN

Absolutely!

HAROLD

Shakespeare, right? What play is it?

SARAH

Much Ado About Nothing’.

HAROLD

That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.

Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.

SUSAN

Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.

Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.

DAVE

Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?

Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.

DAVE

Do you have a permit?

SARAH

We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.

The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.

FRANCIS

Luciana!

He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.

Hades sits on it.

Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.

LUCIANA

Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!

Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.

LUCIANA

(muttering)

Santa Madre de Dios!

Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.

DAVE

Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?

Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.

LUCIANA

Green field?

MERCEDES

The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.

NIA

And do the show.

Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.

LUCIANA

I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.

SYLVIE

All?

LUCIANA

The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?

NIA

Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.

LUCIANA

Tu hablas español?

NIA

Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.

LUCIANA

That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.

FRANCIS

Then look out!

Luciana claps her hands.

LUCIANA

A round on the town to welcome our guests.

Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.

Francis pulls Luciana aside.

FRANCIS

You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.

LUCIANA

That’s why I said yes.

FRANCIS

Why did they ask you?

Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.

FRANCIS

That fake website?

LUCIANA

A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.

Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.

Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.

SYLVIE

What’s she done now?

FRANCIS

A small win in her endless battle for the farm.

SYLVIE

And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.

FRANCIS

Not yet anyway.

A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.

CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD

He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.

CUT TO:

Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.

EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.

Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.

LUCIANA

Salud!

NIA

Salud!

Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.

LUCIANA

Is this your first time here, Nia?

NIA

Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?

LUCIANA

Most of my life, si. Where are you from?

NIA

East coast.

LUCIANA

You are very beautiful.

NIA

Oh, um. Thank you. You too.

LUCIANA

It is not always a good thing, is it?

NIA

It can be – challenging.

Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.

LUCIANA

I hate it!

Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.

NIA

Me too!

Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.

LUCIANA

He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet. Do you have a dog at home?

She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades he can run and he bounds off.

NIA

No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Wait – I do remember a dog. A long time ago.

LUCIANA

Cuando eras una niña?

NIA

My Spanish..

LUCIANA

When you were little. A child.

Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.

NIA

May I?

LUCIANA

(nods)

I think you are stealing my dog.

Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.

LUCIANA

Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?

NIA

I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.

LUCIANA

Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.

Nia is jolted.

NIA

They sometimes have hair…

LUCIANA

Yes.

Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog.

NIA

There was a dog… My mother.

LUCIANA

He was a gift to her.

Nia is a surprised at the statement.

NIA

Why do you say that?

LUCIANA

I know things.

They have arrived at a huge tree. The each take a pull on their beers enjoying the night.

NIA

Do you ever feel like you’re going to walk around the corner? and Bam! You know who you are!

LUCIANA

What are you looking for?

Nia finishes her beer and is a little buzzed.

NIA

Nothing – and everything.

LUCIANA

And when you find this nothing and everything?

NIA

I don’t know. Just…. I won’t be alone.

LUCIANA

Sometimes alone is okay.

NIA

Maybe.

She looks back toward the pub and street

NIA

Tell me about this town.

Luciana makes a choice. She deliberately puts her hand on Hades’ head and looks right at Nia.

LUCIANA

It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.

NIA

Who?

LUCIANA

A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.

Hades licks Luciana’s hand.

NIA

He wants to keep you safe.

LUCIANA

He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.

NIA

Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.

Luciana nods slowly.

LUCIANA

Yes maybe. Come, we need a margarita.

She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.

NIA

I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?

Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.

LUCIANA

It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.

Nia laughs.

NIA

I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.

LUCIANA

(stopping)

Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.

Nia suddenly hugs her.

NIA

I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go ahead get those margueritas!

She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, her face soft and a little sad. She addresses Hades who is watching Nia disappear into the pub..

LUCIANA

La he encontrado! And she will find her everything and nothing.

Luciana makes the sign of the cross again and looks up, her other hand resting on Hades.

LUCIANA

Mantenla a salvo oh Dios. We will watch over her.

EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING

A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.

[Kate Hawkes]

PLEASE GO AHEAD AND LOOK FOR VERSION 3

VERSION 2 Kate Ready For Critique

Synopsis of the story.

Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.

Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.

The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion..

A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I’m great!

Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectle, quietly. No fuss.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all?

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

She takes the water and tips it up.

NIA

Oh-oh.

She grabs the towel again. Shaun reaches for the tumbling dreads as Nia vomits explosively, not so quiet this time.

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.

Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Si,estoy haciendo tortillas.

She laughs.

LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED

Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.

NIA

This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.

SHAUNN

Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-

Nia digs him in the ribs.

NIA

Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.

SHAUNN

That’s my job! And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.

NIA

And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…

Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking.

SHAUNN

(gently)

Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.

Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.

NIA

Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!

SHAUNN

You and those feelings!

NIA

Seriously – this last town? Gonna’

be spectacular!

She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.

NIA

Come on – set up camp time.

INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)

Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)

A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.

NIA

It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.

SARAH

The old couple over there.

MICHAEL

And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!

SHAUNN

And we’ll never-ever leave!

AT THE BAR

IAN

Where are they staying?

DAVE

Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.

IAN

A shame her Grandpa lost that.

DAVE

He was cheated out of it.

IAN

Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.

LUIS

I’d love to get it back.

IAN

Who wouldn’t?

LUIS

Take a miracle.

SUSAN

Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!

AT THE OTHER TABLE

SYLVIE

I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.

HAROLD

Is it one of those Shakespeare things?

SYLVIE

Yes, and you‘ll like it.

HAROLD

I never understand them.

FRANCIS

What one are they doing?

HAROLD

Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.

FRANCIS

That’s them over there. We can go ask.

SYLVIE

Oh yes. Come on.

She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.

AT THE OTHER TABLE

MERCEDES

Here they come!

As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.

SYLVIE

Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.

The ‘standers’ all shake hands.

Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.

MERCEDES

I’m Mercedes.

Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.

SARAH

Sarah!

Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.

NIA

Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.

SYLVIE

Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.

TIM

Please, take a seat.

Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.

Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.

FRANCIS

Ready for the play?

SHAUNN

Absolutely!

HAROLD

Shakespeare, right? What play is it?

SARAH

Much Ado About Nothing’.

HAROLD

That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.

Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.

SUSAN

Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.

Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.

DAVE

Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?

Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.

DAVE

Do you have a permit?

SARAH

We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.

The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.

FRANCIS

Luciana!

He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.

Hades sits on it.

Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.

LUCIANA

Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!

Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.

LUCIANA

(muttering)

Santa Madre de Dios!

Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.

DAVE

Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?

Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.

LUCIANA

Green field?

MERCEDES

The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.

NIA

And do the show.

Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.

LUCIANA

I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.

SYLVIE

All?

LUCIANA

The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?

NIA

Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.

LUCIANA

Tu hablas español?

NIA

Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.

LUCIANA

That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.

FRANCIS

Then look out!

Luciana claps her hands.

LUCIANA

A round on the town to welcome our guests.

Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.

Francis pulls Luciana aside.

FRANCIS

You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.

LUCIANA

That’s why I said yes.

FRANCIS

Why did they ask you?

Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.

FRANCIS

That fake website?

LUCIANA

A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.

Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.

Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.

SYLVIE

What’s she done now?

FRANCIS

A small win in her endless battle for the farm.

SYLVIE

And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.

FRANCIS

Not yet anyway.

A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.

CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD

He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.

CUT TO:

Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.

EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.

Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.

LUCIANA

Salud!

NIA

Salud!

Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.

LUCIANA

Is this your first time here, Nia?

NIA

Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?

LUCIANA

Most of my life, si. Where are you from?

NIA

East coast.

LUCIANA

You are very beautiful.

NIA

Oh, um. Thank you. You too.

LUCIANA

It is not always a good thing, is it?

NIA

It can be – challenging.

Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.

LUCIANA

I hate it!

Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.

NIA

Me too!

Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.

LUCIANA

He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet.Do you have a dog at home?

She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades go and he bounds off.

NIA

No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.

LUCIANA

Cuando eras una niña?

NIA

My Spanish..

LUCIANA

When you were little. A child.

Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.

NIA

May I?

LUCIANA

(nods)

I think you are stealing my dog.

Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.

LUCIANA

Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?

NIA

I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.

LUCIANA

Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.

Nia is jolted.

NIA

They sometimes have hair…

LUCIANA

Yes.

Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog.

NIA

There was a dog… My mother.

LUCIANA

He was a gift to her.

Nia is a surprised at the statement and a bit uncomfortable.

They have arrived at a huge tree, Nia stops and looks back toward the pub and street

NIA

Tell me about this town.

Luciana takes the hint. She stands dramatically in the open.

LUCIANA

It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.

NIA

Who?

LUCIANA

A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.

Hades licks Luciana’s hand.

NIA

He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.

LUCIANA

He is my guide to the underworld.I can go into the darkness and come out safely.

NIA

Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.

Nia is looking pensive.

LUCIANA

Come, we need a margarita.

She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.

NIA

I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?

Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.

LUCIANA

It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.

Nia laughs and relaxes.

NIA

I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.

LUCIANA

(stopping)

Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.

Nia suddenly hugs her.

NIA

I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.

She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades.

LUCIANA

La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.

EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING

A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.

EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – SATURDAY EVENING.

The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.

DON JON

Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?

BORACHIO

To the death, my lord.

A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out, puts on his hat and walks silently toward the back of the audience as the play continues.

DON JOHN

Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’

my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?

BORACHIO

I’ll wait upon your Lordship.

They exit.

Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.

LEONATO

Was not Count John here at supper?

BEATRICE

I saw him not. I never

can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.

HERO

He is of a very melancholy disposition.

At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.

BEATRICE

He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the

other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.

Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.

LEONATO

Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—

As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality

FADE IN:

A MEMORY IMAGE.

Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.

FADE OUT:

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS

Darrogh watches as the play continues.

LEONATO

(to Hero)

Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.

Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.

BEATRICE

Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”

Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.

FADE TO:

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER

The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.

BILL

Miss? I was asked to give you this.

He hands her the note.

NIA

Oh! From -?

BILL

My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.

Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.

(READING)

“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”

Shaun comes over.

SHAUNN

GREAT show! What’s that?

NIA

An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.

SHAUNN

Are you going?

NIA

Of course! Told you I had a feeling.

She grins at him mischievously.

NIA

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!

They run off to join the crowd.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY,12.30

Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.

DARROGH

You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.

NIA

It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.

DARROGH

Set?

NIA

Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.

DARROGH

And all that because?

NIA

So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.

DARROGH

Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?

NIA

I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.

DARROGH

They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.

NIA

You have a good eye.

DARGOGH

I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

NIA

Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.

DARROGH

I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.

He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.

NIA

Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.

As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.

DARROGH

I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.

He hands her one of the glasses.

Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.

NIA

Oh! Thank you.

DARROGH

To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.

Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.

NIA

A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?

DARROGH

(dismissively of the town)

Oh, my house – of course.

NIA

Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.

DARROGH

(amused)

‘Older guy vibe’?

NIA

You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!

Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.

NIA

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.

Darrogh recovers.

DARROGH

I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.

Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?

DARROGH

I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.

Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.

NIA

By the exit.

DARROGH

Yes.

Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.

NIA

Are you going to sit?

DARROGH

No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.

He is closer to the other doorway into the room.

Nia grins.

NIA

Sounds fair.

There is a pause.

NIA

Your cue.

DARROGH

Cue?

NIA

Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.

DARROGH

Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.

NIA

‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?

Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.

DARROGH

I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.

NIA

I don’t know ….

She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.

DARROGH

I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.

Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.

Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.

DARROGH

It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.

He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.

DARROGH

Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.

NIA

You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.

She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.

Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.

Then with a real laugh.

NIA

Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!

DARROGH

Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the name I make people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…

NIA

I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.

DARROGH

It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.

NIA

Yes, you did and now I have you!

She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.

Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.

DARROGH

This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.

NIA

You knew I was an actress?

DARROGH

I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!

NIA

That must have been huge!!

DARROGH

I thought I’d seen a ghost.

NIA

Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.

DARROGH

My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.

Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.

NIA

Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.

DARROGH

Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother

-. I can’t go through that again.

NIA

Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.

Darrogh grabs her hand.

DARROGH

Stay with me.

NIA

Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.

She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Lisa! good notes. Really impressed by your line by line crit!!
some of your Qs are answered in the next scene.. and as the film goes along but I’ll make sure they are!

l’ll have a look at yours later today 🙂

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Ready For Critique

THERE IS A VERSION #2 SOMEWHERE…

OKAY!!~ ready to exchange with you!

Synopsis of the story.

Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.

Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.

The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.

Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all? Seems like many more.

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

She takes the water and tips it up.

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Y ese sombrero malvado.

(reacts to the other person)

Si, it is an evil hat! Si, estoy haciendo tortillas.

She laughs.

LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh, your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED

Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.

NIA

This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.

SHAUNN

Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-

Nia digs him in the ribs.

NIA

Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.

SHAUNN

I wrote it, remember? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.

NIA

(wistfully)

And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…

Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking. (She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.)

SHAUNN

(gently)

Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.

Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.

NIA

Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!

SHAUNN

You and those feelings!

NIA

Seriously – this last town? Gonna’

be spectacular!

She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.

NIA

Come on – set up camp time.

INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn. (Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)

Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)

A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.

NIA

It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.

SARAH

The old couple over there.

MICHAEL

And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!

SHAUNN

And we’ll never-ever leave!

AT THE BAR

IAN

Where are they staying?

DAVE

Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.

IAN

A shame her Grandpa lost that.

DAVE

He was cheated out of it.

IAN

Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.

LUIS

I’d love to get it back.

IAN

Who wouldn’t?

LUIS

Take a miracle.

SUSAN

Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!

AT THE OTHER TABLE

SYLVIE

I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.

HAROLD

Is it one of those Shakespeare things?

SYLVIE

Yes, and you‘ll like it.

HAROLD

I never understand them.

FRANCIS

What one are they doing?

HAROLD

Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.

FRANCIS

That’s them over there. We can go ask.

SYLVIE

Oh yes. Come on.

She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.

AT THE OTHER TABLE

MERCEDES

Here they come!

As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.

SYLVIE

Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.

The ‘standers’ all shake hands.

Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.

MERCEDES

I’m Mercedes.

Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.

SARAH

Sarah!

Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand.

NIA

Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.

SYLVIE

Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.

TIM

Please, take a seat.

Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.

Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.

FRANCIS

Ready for the play?

SHAUNN

Absolutely!

HAROLD

Shakespeare, right? What play is it?

SARAH

Much Ado About Nothing’.

HAROLD

That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.

Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.

SUSAN

Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.

Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.

DAVE

Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?

Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.

DAVE

Do you have a permit?

SARAH

We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.

The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.

FRANCIS

Luciana!

He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.

Hades sits on it.

Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.

LUCIANA

Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!

Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.

LUCIANA

(muttering)

Santa Madre de Dios!

Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.

DAVE

Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?

Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.

LUCIANA

Green field?

MERCEDES

The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.

NIA

And do the show.

Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.

LUCIANA

I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.

SYLVIE

All?

LUCIANA

The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?

NIA

Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.

LUCIANA

Tu hablas español?

NIA

Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.

LUCIANA

That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.

FRANCIS

Then look out!

Luciana claps her hands.

LUCIANA

A round on the town to welcome our guests.

Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.

Francis pulls Luciana aside.

FRANCIS

You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.

LUCIANA

That’s why I said yes.

FRANCIS

Why did they ask you?

Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.

FRANCIS

That fake website?

LUCIANA

A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.

Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.

Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.

SYLVIE

What’s she done now?

FRANCIS

A small win in her endless battle for the farm.

SYLVIE

And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.

FRANCIS

Not yet anyway.

A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.

CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD

He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.

CONTINUOUS –

Luciana has pushed her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, and is pulling Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.

Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.

LUCIANA

Salud!

NIA

Salud!

Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.

LUCIANA

Is this your first time here, Nia?

NIA

Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?

LUCIANA

Most of my life, si. Where are you from?

NIA

East coast.

LUCIANA

You are very beautiful.

NIA

Oh, um. Thank you. You too.

LUCIANA

It is not always a good thing, is it?

NIA

It can be – challenging.

Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.

LUCIANA

I hate it!

Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.

NIA

Me too!

Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.

LUCIANA

He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?

NIA

No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.

LUCIANA

Cuando eras una niña?

NIA

My Spanish..

LUCIANA

When you were little. A child.

Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.

Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to rub his head.

NIA

May I?

LUCIANA

(nods)

I think you are stealing my dog.

Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.

LUCIANA

Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?

NIA

I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.

LUCIANA

Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.

Nia is jolted.

NIA

They sometimes have hair…

LUCIANA

Yes.

Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.

NIA

There was a dog… My mother.

LUCIANA

He was a gift to her?

Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.

NIA

Tell me about this town.

Luciana takes the hint.

LUCIANA

It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.

NIA

Who?

LUCIANA

A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.

Hades licks Luciana’s hand.

NIA

He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.

LUCIANA

He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.

Nia smiles.

NIA

Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.

Nia is looking pensive.

LUCIANA

Come, we need a margarita.

NIA

I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?

Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.

LUCIANA

It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.

Nia laughs and relaxes.

NIA

I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.

Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.

LUCIANA

Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.

Nia suddenly hugs her.

NIA

I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.

She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.

LUCIANA

La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.

EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING

A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.

EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – (SATURDAY) EVENING.

The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.

DON JON

Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?

BORACHIO

To the death, my lord.

A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out and walks silently toward back of the audience as the play continues.

DON JOHN

Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?

BORACHIO

I’ll wait upon your Lordship.

They exit.

Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.

LEONATO

Was not Count John here at supper?

BEATRICE

I saw him not. I never

can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.

HERO

He is of a very melancholy disposition.

At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.

BEATRICE

He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the

other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.

Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.

LEONATO

Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—

As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality

FADE IN:

A MEMORY IMAGE.

Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.

FADE OUT:

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS

Darrogh watches as the play continues.

LEONATO

(to Hero)

Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.

Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.

BEATRICE

Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”

Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.

FADE TO:

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER

The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.

BILL

Miss? I was asked to give you this.

He hands her the note.

NIA

Oh! From -?

BILL

My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.

Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.

(READING)

“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”

Shaun comes over.

SHAUNN

GREAT show! What’s that?

NIA

An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.

SHAUNN

Are you going?

NIA

Of course! Told you I had a feeling.

She grins at him mischievously.

NIA

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!

They run off to join the crowd.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY, 12.30

Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.

DARROGH

You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.

NIA

It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.

DARROGH

Set?

NIA

Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.

DARROGH

And all that because?

NIA

So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.

DARROGH

Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?

NIA

I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.

DARROGH

They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.

NIA

You have a good eye.

DARGOGH

I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

NIA

Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.

DARROGH

I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.

He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.

NIA

Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.

As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.

DARROGH

I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.

He hands her one of the glasses.

Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.

NIA

Oh! Thank you.

DARROGH

To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.

Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.

NIA

A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?

DARROGH

(dismissively of the town)

Oh, my house – of course.

NIA

Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.

DARROGH

(amused)

‘Older guy vibe’?

NIA

You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!

Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.

NIA

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.

Darrogh recovers.

DARROGH

I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.

Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?

DARROGH

I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.

Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.

NIA

By the exit.

DARROGH

Yes.

Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.

NIA

Are you going to sit?

DARROGH

No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.

He is closer to the other doorway into the room.

Nia grins.

NIA

Sounds fair.

There is a pause.

NIA

Your cue.

DARROGH

Cue?

NIA

Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.

DARROGH

Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.

NIA

‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?

Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.

DARROGH

I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.

NIA

I don’t know ….

She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.

DARROGH

I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.

Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.

Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.

DARROGH

It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.

He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.

DARROGH

Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.

NIA

You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.

She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.

Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.

Then with a real laugh.

NIA

Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!

DARROGH

Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the only one I let people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…

NIA

I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.

DARROGH

It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.

NIA

Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!

She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.

Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.

DARROGH

This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.

NIA

You knew I was an actress?

DARROGH

I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!

NIA

That must have been huge!!

DARROGH

I thought I’d seen a ghost.

NIA

Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.

DARROGH

My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.

Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.

NIA

Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.

DARROGH

Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother

-. I can’t go through that again.

NIA

Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.

Darrogh grabs her hand.

DARROGH

Stay with me.

NIA

Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.

She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Great First Page

What I learned from this assignment is how do I choose which of the two contrasting scenes to open with?

One introduces a major player but this isn’t her story, although she is pitted against the same same Antagonist, that is much fiestier.
The other introduces the Protagonist, with no clear conflict, but it launches us into her story.

So I offer both here – just the first page of each. The one with Nia goes on longer ….

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, still warm, with the outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Lo sé, es malvado. Y si, estoy haciendo tortillas.

She laughs.

LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

OR

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON

A brightly painted old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Eight young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 24 year old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass. Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S ROUGH DRAFT

What I learned doing this assignment is when you have chosen contrasting scenes to open it adds pages and when you have a revelation that you want the audience to get at the same time the Protagonist does that can also take time. That, and creating a world of tension and conflict into which the Protagonist has unsuspectingly landed – well, getting all that into 10 ages proved (thus far) impossible to me. But Ioved the exercise – it got me to move scenes about, cut things even as I also realized what couldn’t go. I hope it is interesting enough to get the audience to that inciting incident.

• 3rd page twist

Introducing Luciana on the phone cursing Darrogh. (The Antagonist)

• Inciting incident.

Darrogh recognizes Nia (p.16) tells Nia he is her father (p.22)

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Eight young people (20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

SHAUNN

Now do you feel better?

NIA

Um, not sure yet.

Starts to sit up.

NIA

Oops!

More quiet barfing.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all? Seems like many more.

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia sighs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. You got any water?

Shaunn helps her sit up, carefully avoiding the towel.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair, is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Lo sé, es malvado. Y si, estoy haciendo tortillas.

She laughs.

LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh, your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED

Nia is feeling better She takes in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.

NIA

Oh! This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.

She is inspired to stand.

SHAUNN

Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-

Nia digs him in the ribs.

NIA

Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.

SHAUNN

I wrote it, remember? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed.

Amazing summer.

NIA

(wistfully)

And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…

Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking.(She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.)

SHAUNN

(gently)

Yes. You never know who’ll come around the corner.

Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.

NIA

Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!

Nia slurps, swooshes and spits, rinsing her mouth energetically. Shaunn watches in amusement.

SHAUNN

You and those feelings!

NIA

(spitting)

Seriously – this last town? Gonna

be spectacular!

She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.

NIA

Come on – set up camp time.

INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn. (The core members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)

Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)

A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.

NIA

It’s like a setting for social drama. You got the young locals at the bar.

SARAH

And the old couple over there.

MICHAEL

And we’re the out-of-towners come to cause trouble!

SHAUNN

And we’ll never ever leave!

AT THE BAR

IAN

Where are they staying?

DAVE

Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.

IAN

Sure was a shame her Grandpa lost that.

DAVE

He was cheated out of it.

IAN

Hard to prove with that slime-y piece of work.

LUIS

I’d love to get it back.

IAN

Who wouldn’t?

LUIS

Take a miracle.

SUSAN

Here’s to Miracles. They come in mysterious ways!

AT THE OTHER TABLE

SYLVIE

I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.

HAROLD

Is it one of those Shakespeare things?

SYLVIE

Yes, and you‘ll like it.

HAROLD

I never understand them.

FRANCIS

What one are they doing?

HAROLD

Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.

FRANCIS

That’s them over there. We can go ask.

SYLVIE

Oh yes. Come on.

She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over.

Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, sighs and follows.

AT THE OTHER TABLE

MERCEDES

Here they come!

As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.

SYLVIE

Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold my husband, and Francis.

The ‘standers’ all shake hands.

Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her revealing dress.

MERCEDES

I’m Mercedes.

Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsey, blows a kiss.

SARAH

Sarah!

Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand.

NIA

Nia! We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.

SYLVIE

Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.

TIM

Please, take a seat.

Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.

Soon all are seated, curiosity and expectancy envelops them.

FRANCIS

Ready for the play?

SHAUNN

Absolutely! Setting up the stage right there where we’re camped.

HAROLD

Shakespeare right? What play is it?

SARAH

Much Ado – About nothing.

HAROLD

Like our town. That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.

Dave, Ian Susan and Luis arrive.

SUSAN

Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, and Ian and Dave.

Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. And more chairs are pulled up.

DAVE

Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?

Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.

DAVE

Do you have a permit?

SARAH

We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.

The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She looks around, spots the crowd and head right for them.

FRANCIS

Luciana!!

He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.

Hades sits on it.

Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.

LUCIANA

Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!

I hope you are settled and comfortable?

NIA

Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.

LUCIANA

Tu hablas español?

NIA

Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.

Luciana is looking at her, puzzled, searching.

LUCIANA

That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.

FRANCIS

Then look out!

DAVE

Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?

There is a slight tension over the room.

LUCIANA

Green field?

MERCEDES

The top of the hill. We were told we could camp there.

NIA

And do the show.

Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.

LUCIANA

Yes. I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.

SYLVIE

All?

LUCIANA

The ones who matter. Now – a round on the town to welcome our guests.

Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.

Francis pulls Luciana aside.

FRANCIS

You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.

LUCIANA

I know and that’s why I said yes.

FRANCIS

Why did they ask you?

Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.

FRANCIS

That fake website?

LUCIANA

No, just some small print que los idiotas no ven.

Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.

Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis

SYLVIE

What’s she done now?

FRANCIS

A small win in her endless battle for the farm.

SYLVIE

And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.

HAROLD

Not yet anyway.

A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.

CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD

He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.

CONTINUOUS –

Luciana has pushed her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, and is pulling Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.

Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.

LUCIANA

Not the best but not bad either.

NIA

As long as it’s cold, I’m happy.

LUCIANA

Salud!

NIA

Salud!

Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.

LUCIANA

Is this your first time here, Nia?

NIA

Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?

LUCIANA

Most of my life, si. Where are you from?

NIA

East coast.

LUCIANA

You are very beautiful.

NIA

Oh, um. Thank you. You too.

LUCIANA

It is not always a good thing, is it?

NIA

It can be – challenging.

Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.

LUCIANA

I hate it!

Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.

NIA

Me too!

Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.

LUCIANA

He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?

NIA

No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.

LUCIANA

Cuando eras una niña?

NIA

My Spanish..

LUCIANA

When you were little. A child.

Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.

Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to rub his head.

NIA

May I?

LUCIANA

(nods)

I think you are stealing my dog.

Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.

LUCIANA

Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?

NIA

I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.

LUCIANA

Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.

Nia is jolted.

NIA

They sometimes have hair…

LUCIANA

Yes.

Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.

NIA

There was a dog… My mother.

LUCIANA

He was a gift to her?

Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.

NIA

Tell me about this town.

Luciana takes the hint.

LUCIANA

It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.

NIA

Who?

LUCIANA

A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.

Hades licks Luciana’s hand.

NIA

He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.

LUCIANA

He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely. You too.

Nia smiles.

NIA

Maybe I will need to borrow him one day.

LUCIANA

Or I can give you one of your own.

Nia looks at her sharply.

LUCIANA

I breed them.

Nia is looking pensive.

LUCIANA

Come, we need a margarita.

NIA

I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?

Luciana now knows for sure who she is – her friend’s daughter.

LUCIANA

It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.

Nia laughs and relaxes.

NIA

I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.

Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.

LUCIANA

Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I will tell you. For now – let’s find that margarita.

Nia suddenly hugs her.

NIA

I like you! I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go push my way to the bar. See you there.

She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.

LUCIANA

La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.

EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING

A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him.

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – NEXT (SATURDAY) EVENING.

The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage the scene is playing.

DON JON

Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?

BORACHIO

To the death, my lord.

Darrogh’s car drives up and parks to the rear of the audience. He gets out and walks silently toward back of the audience as the play continues.

DON JOHN

Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’ my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?

BORACHIO

I’ll wait upon your Lordship.

They exit.

Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.

LEONATO

Was not Count John here at supper?

BEATRICE

I saw him not. I never can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.

HERO

He is of a very melancholy disposition.

At her words, Darrogh is startled into attention and stares at her transfixed.

BEATRICE

He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.

Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back .

LEONATO

Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—

As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality

FADE IN:

A MEMORY IMAGE.

Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife Amahla from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him.

FADE OUT:

EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS

Darrogh watches as the play continues.

LEONATO

(to Hero)

Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.

Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.

BEATRICE

Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”

Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.

FADE TO:

The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.

BILL

Miss? I was asked to give you this.

He hands her the note.

NIA

Oh! From -?

BILL

My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.

Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.

(READING no V.O.)

“Do me the honor of coming to lunch the day after tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”

Shaun comes over.

SHAUNN

GREAT show! What’s that?

NIA

I just got an invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.

SHAUNN

Are you going?

NIA

Of course! Told you I had a feeling.

She grins at him mischievously.

NIA

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on, let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about why wasn’t she asked!

They run off to join the crowd.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER,12.30

Nia is in awe of this beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.

DARROGH

So, you can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.

NIA

It is perfect! It’s like, like the best set I’ve ever been on.

DARROGH

Set?

NIA

Yes! For plays! The set designer and director and then the set dresser work with the script – the story – and they choose what to put where. It’s all very carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. The details of furniture, props, what colors.

DARROGH

And all that because?

NIA

So the audience knows just where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, by their place, and what it means.

DARROGH

Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?

NIA

I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things… He can afford them so he has them.

DARROGH

They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here. Nothing that isn’t rare and unique.

NIA

Oh yes, of course. You have a good eye I can see that.

DARGOGH

I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

NIA

Oh no. I should be getting back to Camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.

DARROGH

I wanted you to see it, particularly. I, um. Please just a glass of wine.

He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.

NIA

Well, yes. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.

Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours as he speaks.

DARROGH

Yes. I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. Here.

He hands her one of the glasses.

Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.

NIA

NIA

Oh yes..Thank you.

DARROGH

To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.

Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.

NIA

Oh very good. A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?

DARROGH

(dismissively of the town)

Oh, my house – of course.

NIA

Hmm. I didn’t really have any hopes coming here. Just curious… Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.

DARROGH

(amused)

‘Older guy vibe’?

NIA

You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!

Darrogh is a bit taken back. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.

NIA

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that, well I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.

Darrogh recovers.

DARROGH

I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.

Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?

DARROGH

I am sure you are looking for the exits on this set! But please don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.

Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.

NIA

By the exit.

DARROGH

Yes.

There is a pause. Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.

NIA

Are you going to sit?

DARROGH

No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.

He is closer to the other doorway into the room.

Nia grins.

NIA

Sounds fair.

There is a pause.

NIA

Your cue.

DARROGH

Cue?

NIA

Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.

DARROGH

Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.

NIA

‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?

Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.

DARROGH

I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it is empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.

NIA

I don’t know ….

She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.

DARROGH

I’m Darrogh McGrath. You – are my daughter.

Nia gasps. Almost spills her wine. Catches it. Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.

DARROGH

It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.

He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.

DARROGH

Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you walked on stage last night.

NIA

You’re my father? My Dad? Oh my Dad.

She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly for a long time until she gathers herself.

Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.

Then with a real laugh.

NIA

Where the fuck have you been?

DARROGH

Hiding I guess. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…

NIA

I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.

DARROGH

It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.

NIA

Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!

She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.

Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.

DARROGH

This house needs you. You belong here. I could build the set but it was waiting for the actress.

NIA

You knew I was an actress?

DARROGH

I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!

NIA

That must have been huge!!

DARROGH

Yes. I thought I’d seen a ghost.

NIA

Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.

DARROGH

My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.

Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.

NIA

Can’t think of anything I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.

DARROGH

Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother

-. I can’t go through that again.

NIA

Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.

Darrogh grabs her hand.

DARROGH

Stay with me.

NIA

Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.

She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES Opening Scene is Irresistible!

What I learned from this assignment is that employing those points can enliven an old scene, and give rise to a new one and,as always when a new ‘work’ is made, further develop the characters.

OPENING 5 PAGES (and one line)

Contrast Opening

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, still warm, with the outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

LUCIANA

Lo sé, es malvado. Y si, estoy haciendo tortillas.

She laughs.

LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Eight young people (20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

SHAUNN

Now do you feel better?

NIA

Um, not sure yet.

Starts to sit up.

NIA

Oops!

More quiet barfing.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all? Seems like many more.

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia sighs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. You got any water?

Shaunn helps her sit up, carefully avoiding the towel.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

She takes in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.

NIA

Oh! This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.

She is inspired to stand.

SHAUNN

Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-

Nia digs him in the ribs.

NIA

Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.

SHAUNN

I wrote it, remember? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.

NIA

(wistfully)

And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…

Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking .(She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.)

SHAUNN

(gently)

Yes. You never know who’ll come around the corner.

Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.

NIA

I need to rinse my mouth. Where’s that water bottle? Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!

Shaunn hands her the water and watches her with amusement as she rinses vigorously.

SHAUNN

You and those feelings!

NIA

(spitting)

Seriously – this last town? Gonna be spectacular!

She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.

NIA

Come on – set up camp time.

[Kate Hawkes]

THIS IS A QUESTION.

can someone please remind me how/where I find/turn on the option to now when someone comments on my post? I didn’t have it last time and don’t seem to now either.. :(( my email is kate@wellnesswithkate.com in case I don’t see it here.. THANK YOU

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Openings

What I learned from this assignment is how of the 10 options reveals more about the characters and relationships. Some of these Opening scene ideas even if not used as an opening I want to use somewhere! Also some were really hard to wrap my mind around and some just flowed – and those didn’t end up being the best necessarily. I didn’t combine any but can see where I could for the next assignment.

1. Instant Conflict Opening

The only Luciana and Darrogh scene when Luciana comes to his house and confronts him and they both swear to be the last one standing.

2. Contrast Opening

• It is a hot day in Sthn CA, Luciana is making tortillas while on the phone in her kitchen speaking in Spanish – angry about what is happening in the town – decides to call a meeting.

• Nia in rehearsal in NY city – a Shakespearian play, a swordfight, playing Mercutio, in preparation for the tour.

5. The VO that’s unusual

Nia talking about/to her Mother as she sets off on this journey, excited to be getting on the bus with the other actors, still searching for her father. Nia holds some precious memories of her Mother so she almost feels her talking to her. Even without contact with that family she always felt she was part of something bigger than her current family with a hidden strength deep within her.

9. Intriguing scene from another place in the movie

Amahla/Luciana flashback scene – near the end when it looks as if there is a relationship, when D comes in – audience sees what he sees and how he behaves. Audience doesn’t know the rest ’til the scene comes back and we get the beginning of it.

10. The “trick” opening

Nia and Shaunn are in a terrible fight and their relationship ends – then we see it is a performance, an audition for the touring company.

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cameron

I have enjoyed dipping into your scenes along the way with interest and am happy to see the whole story laid out

As a non scifi person I can say that while I do not understand the world I do connect with the people. So that’s a good job! The people and their relationships are leading the story for me not the sci-fi techie stuff!

\

So now as I read it again I will just make short comments:

I am curious how you get that a that opening exposition/set up across –

who is talking to who? how do we learn that through action?

(I am sure you have that.. just curious)

Like that you lose a cool person we have come to know so soon – Jude..

I remember meeting Markus before!

Like that Isaiah becomes the ‘leader” neat lesson for the Dad – our boys grow up and can be more than people we take care of.

(and contrast that with the sweet image at the end – equals but one is still the Dad.)

Telling Isaiah out his mom – is that done with some flashbacks so we see her and feel her?

so as Sully is letting his emotions out so we are let into that love and emotional world with our emotions too…

Nice arc for Markus – to the leader who uses violence to rescue people instead of where he began (if I have that correctly)

“sometimes we have to do wrong to do right”

the end feels like it could be a setup for a sequel!! I can see Isaiah as the next Luke Skywalker – with a twist!

Please have a look at mine if you have the time.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES COMPLETED THIRD ACT

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how miraculously it has come together, the details add up, the big picture come sharply into focus. I need to go back, set some of this up and check there are no big contradictions left over from the ‘original’ plot.

***Sadly, this time I don’t seem to have the option to be notified of the replies/notes..:((

But please do give me feedback and I’ll login often.

(**The entire last 7 pages is after these paragraphs FYI)

1. SETUP:

Nia (24) travelling with a theatre troupe has found the idealized Father (Darrogh) for whom she has been searching over 10 year, who left not long after her Mother (Amahla) died when Nia was 7.

The small rural community, led by the Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana Sanchez, is fighting Darrogh to keep their land from his greedy development plans. There is background between Darrogh and Luciana involving Luciana’s deep friendship with Amahla, with Darrogh blaming Luciana’s love for Amahla as the cause of her suicide.

Nia, while trying to develop a relationship with her Father (who is not at all as she had imagined) finds herself with the community in their decision to con/trick Darrogh into handing over to them the land he is buying for a giant landfill (to punish Luciana) and because he is greedy and arrogant

2. PLOT POINT 2

• Darrogh, envious/afraid of Nia’s friendship with Luciana throws her out of his house as he had done her Mother – she has a flashback to that time.

• 2nd con attempt fails

• The bulldozers arrive.

3. CRISIS

• Nia confronts Luciana to get the truth of her Mother’s death – due largely to Darrogh’s cruelty.

• Darrogh falls for the con – meaning the land is likely saved.

• Nia suggests a public ‘play’ to reveal to Darrogh how he has been tricked, hoping it will lead to his being more aware, seeing how he behaves to others and perhaps become the Father she has been searching for.

4. CLIMAX.

• The play is performed and Darrogh sees that that he was tricked, is furious but not repentant, vows to fight them

• Nia performs an adaption of the Desdemona murder scene from ‘Othello'(*) dressed in her Mother’s dress and Darrogh slinks off.

(*Shakespeare’s story of misplaced jealousy leading to murder.)

5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.

• The community/people move ahead (sure they have their land back) with plans build a sustainable community instead of a landfill

• Nia and Darrogh have one last meeting – she still hoping for him to own what he did, he is not able to.

• Nia finally lets the dream-father go – and let’s Darrogh go – she can’t fix him. Says goodbye and leaves.

• Gets back on the bus with the Troupe the same place she had arrived 3 weeks ago.

• Darrogh sits down at his desk, writes a letter asking for forgiveness.

6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

• The bus is leaving as Nia reads a letter from Luciana (V.O.)offering her a home with her anytime, and she will look out for Darrogh. And to be free.

• Darrogh ‘sitting’ on the steps of his house, Luciana runs in as Darrogh topples over, a gun falling from his hand and Luciana holds him.

• The bus gets further and further away from the town.

7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie.

THE AERIAL SHOT RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER

As the brightly colored bus leaves the town on the open road and the dark mansion shrinks to a

speck.

LUCIANA (V.O. from the letter.)

Te amo siempre, Luciana. (in English ‘Love you always’ ).

***********************************************************

AND THE LAST 7 PAGES:

After the ‘play’ is performed and Darrogh has seen the true extent of his loss, Nia goes to visit the next day, one last-minute try before she leaves with the troupe. The visit takes place in the same room where he first told her he was her Dad.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM – MID-MORNING

Nia sits by the door where she sat before. Darrogh stands across the room where he was before. They are both very contained and careful.

NIA

Thank you for seeing me.

DARROGH

Of course. You’re my daughter.

NIA

I.. I’m sorry.

DARROGH

About?

NIA

Last night. It must have been hard to hear.

DARROGH

What was hard was you – up there, with THEM! Turned against me. My Daughter!

NIA

Dad! That’s not what I meant.

Darrogh knows what she means but won’t go there.

He turns to the cabinet.

DARROGH

A red?

Nia stands.

NIA

It’s not even noon. No.

We have to talk about it.

Darrogh deliberately opens the bottle and pours himself a drink.

DARROGH

If, as you say, it was hard and you want to make it harder then I need this. You going to object to that?

NIA

No. Of course not.

Darrogh finishes pouring then leans one elbow on the mantle making the most of his size as Nia stands across the room, small against the massive wooden double doors.

DARROGH

So? What is it you want?

Nia is nonplussed. She had expected to find him broken.

NIA

I wanted to see if you were -alright.

DARROGH

Let me see if I have this right. I have been duped out of my fortune, my daughter performs some classical death scene dressed in my dead wife’s dress and you ask if I’m alright?

He is shaking as he tries to keep control.

NIA

Yes.

Darrogh gulps back the wine, slams the glass down and then laughs, a desperate, angry sound.

DARROGH

It’s unbelievable! I was going to give you everything I had. Everything. All you had to do was be loyal, and you’d be a millionairess. Instead you had to humiliate me in public with the town riff-raff.

Nia regards him steadily.

DARROGH

I’ll get it back. Don’t worry about that. I’ll find a way – I always do. Those small town hicks don’t know who they’re messing with.

Nia nods slowly.

NIA

I think they do. Your Achilles heel? They saw it – and went right for it. They knew exactly who they were dealing with.

He starts to speak. She holds up her hand and advances toward him.

NIA

It’s not the humiliation that has you drinking before noon, it’s the truth. I know the truth about you and my Mother. Do you?

Darrogh is frozen.

NIA

(gently, inviting him)

I just need to hear you say it. To me.

DARROGH

And if I do? Then what?

NIA

I’ll stay with you. We can work this out together.

DARROGH

Nia! You’re my daughter. That’s all that matters. The past is the past.

He is almost pleading.

NIA

I’ve been carrying a dream with me all my life. I came here, found you after years of searching and hoping. And what did I find? I’ve been living inside a black lie.

DARROGH

It wasn’t my lie. You made it up. You wove your own sentimental, rose colored glass bubble around me and your mother.

NIA

Maybe I did. Please, help me break it. Just say it, Dad.

Darrogh looks as if he might – then can’t.

DARROGH

It’s already broken. There’s nothing to say. You betrayed me and I can’t forgive that.

NIA

YOU can’t forgive?

She is very poised, we see how much she has grown since she was last this room with Darrogh.

NIA

I can and I do. You’re who you are. I accept that. My dear Father, I can only say goodbye and wish you peace. There won’t be another chance, you know that. It’s not about the money – it’s about -.

Darrogh cuts her off with a sweeping gesture. He is struggling to hold emotions at bay.

DARROGH

Stop.

FLASHBACK: INT. DARROGH AND AMAHLA’S HOUSE – 20 years ago

Amahla standing very like Nia is now facing Darrogh.

AMAHLA

I love you. You only. There’s never been anyone else. Send me away from you if you must, but let me see Nia. You’ll kill me!

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM

Darrogh is standing starring at Nia who meets his eye steadily.

DARROGH

Amahla?

NIA

It’s me, Nia.

Darrogh shakes himself back into the present.

DARROGH

Believe what you wish. I have nothing to say. Except you’re welcome to stay if you want to.

Nia looks at him with almost curiosity and then lets go, smiles gently, and with great dignity walks across the endless floor to him.

Standing close, she meets his eye.

NIA

I don’t want the dream any more. I don’t need you. I will survive this. I have the best part of your strength, I think.

She stands on tip toe and kisses his cheek.

NIA

Goodbye, Dad.

Nia turns and walks back down the room, Darrogh watches her go. She steps through the door without looking back.

Darrogh takes step toward the door, stops, turns and reaches for the wine bottle again.

EXT.FIELD – THE TROUPE ON THE BUS.

Shaunn is waiting outside as Nia comes puffing up the hill.

SHAUNN

How did it-?

He sees her face with tears, but clear.

SHAUNN

A hug?

He hugs her tight.

NIA

My bag?

SHAUNN

On the bus.

Ever the gentleman, Shaunn boards the bus then reaches out and (in the reverse of how she arrived) helps her step up into the bus.

The bus rumbles off.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- OFFICE

Darrogh seated at his desk, writing. We see the middle of the letter as he writes.

DARROGH

(writing on the page not V.O.)

I have never forgiven myself. I tried but nothing covered it up. I thought you’d fix it all. I’m glad you escaped. Please forgive me – again.

INT. THE BUS

Driving down the hill and toward the town, as Nia reads the letter from Luciana.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

Dear Nia. You came into this community like a sunbeam and into my heart bringing the light that has been missing for 20 years, since your Mother died.

The Voiceover continues as

EXT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – FRONT STEPS. AERIAL

Darrogh ‘seated’ on the steps leaning against pillar.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

I am so proud of you – your strength and courage and kindness.

Go into the world and shine. Be free. I will make sure your Father is looked after.

Luciana appears running, up the steps toward Darrogh. She reaches him and takes him in her arms, as he topples sideways, and a gun falls from his hand.

The bus enters the same shot, speeding along the roadside, just below the hill with Darrogh’s mansion.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

For your mother who loved him and who I loved and for you. I promised Amahla I’d take care of you. And now I can.

Come home any time- I am always here.

THE AERIAL SHOT RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER

As the brightly colored bus leaves the town on the open road and the dark mansion shrinks to a speck.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

Te amo siempre, Luciana.

(in English ‘Love you always’)

THE END

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Amazing Final Line!

What I learned doing this assignment is how getting a great ending then informs the rest of the story and in particular brings to the forefront some vague ideas and backstory stuff. I am eager to go back and plant some setups!

A. Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about.

The movie is about: the truth empowers and sets you free.

The resolution: Nia has one last visit with Darrogh. She is still willing to forgive him, to stay and help him, if he will only admit what he did and say he will be different. He doesn’t. She declares she won’t stay and leaves on the bus.

B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.

Nia says to Darrogh: I don’t need/want you anymore

In that final resolution scene with him.

C. Solve the puzzle.

In the closing moments, after the last Darrogh/Nia scene, as we see the bus with Nia leave, Darrogh kills himself – he did ‘kill’ Amahla. It fills in the final piece of the puzzle around her death.

FINAL SCENE(S) last barely 7 pages

After the ‘play’ is performed and Darrogh has seen the true extent of his loss, Nia goes to visit the next day, one last-minute try before she leaves with the troupe. She has said her goodbyes to Luciana (who gave her a letter to read) but is worried about him and still holds out some hope. The visit takes place in the same room where he first told her he was her Dad.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM – MID-MORNING

Nia sits by the door where she sat before. Darrogh stands across the room where he was before. They are both very contained and careful.

NIA

Thank you for seeing me.

DARROGH

Of course. You’re my daughter.

NIA

I.. I’m sorry.

DARROGH

About?

NIA

Last night. It must have been hard to hear.

DARROGH

What was hard was you – up there, with THEM! Turned against me. My Daughter!

NIA

Dad! That’s not what I meant.

Darrogh knows what she means but won’t go there.

He turns to the cabinet.

DARROGH

A red?

Nia stands.

NIA

It’s not even noon. No.

We have to talk about it.

Darrogh deliberately opens the bottle and pours himself a drink.

DARROGH

If, as you say, it was hard and you want to make it harder then I need this. You going to object to that?

NIA

No. Of course not.

Darrogh finishes pouring then leans one elbow on the mantle making the most of his size as Nia stands across the room, small against the massive wooden double doors.

DARROGH

So? What is it you want?

Nia is nonplussed. She had expected to find him broken.

NIA

I wanted to see if you were -alright.

DARROGH

Let me see if I have this right. I have been duped out of my fortune, my daughter performs some classical death scene dressed in my dead wife’s dress and you ask if I’m alright?

He is shaking as he tries to keep control.

NIA

Yes.

Darrogh gulps back the wine, slams the glass down and then laughs, a desperate, angry sound.

DARROGH

It’s unbelievable! I was going to give you everything I had. Everything. All you had to do was be loyal, and you’d be a millionairess. Instead, you had to humiliate me in public with the town riff-raff.

Nia regards him steadily.

DARROGH

I’ll get it back. Don’t worry about that. I’ll find a way – I always do. Those small town hicks don’t know who they’re messing with.

Nia nods slowly.

NIA

I think they do. Your Achilles heel? They saw it – and went right for it. They knew exactly who they were dealing with.

He starts to speak. She holds up her hand and takes a couple of steps toward him..

NIA

It’s not the humiliation that has you drinking before noon, it’s the truth. I know the truth about you and my Mother. Do you?

Darrogh is frozen.

NIA

(gently, inviting him)

I just need to hear you say it. To me.

DARROGH

And if I do? Then what?

NIA

I’ll stay with you. We can work this out together.

DARROGH

Nia! You’re my daughter. That’s all that matters. The past is the past.

He is almost pleading.

NIA

I’ve been carrying a dream with me all my life. I came here, found you after years of searching and hoping. And what did I find? I’ve been living inside a black lie.

DARROGH

It wasn’t my lie. You made it up. You wove your own sentimental, rose-colored glass bubble around me and your mother.

NIA

Maybe I did. Please, help me break it. Just say it, Dad.

Darrogh looks as if he might – then can’t.

DARROGH

It’s already broken. There’s nothing to say. You betrayed me and I can’t forgive that.

NIA

YOU can’t forgive?

She is very poised, we see how much she has grown since she was last this room with Darrogh.

NIA

I can and I do. You’re who you are. I accept that. My dear Father, I can only say goodbye and wish you peace. There won’t be another chance, you know that. It’s not about the money – it’s about -.

Darrogh cuts her off with a sweeping gesture. He is struggling to hold emotions at bay.

DARROGH

Stop.

FLASHBACK: INT. DARROGH AND AMAHLA’S HOUSE – 20 years ago

Amahla standing very like Nia is now facing Darrogh.

AMAHLA

I love you. You only. There’s never been anyone else. Send me away from you if you must, but let me see Nia. You’ll kill me!

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM

Darrogh is standing starring at Nia who meets his eye steadily.

DARROGH

Amahla?

NIA

It’s me, Nia.

Darrogh shakes himself back into the present.

DARROGH

Believe what you wish. I have nothing to say. Except you’re welcome to stay if you want to.

Nia looks at him with almost curiosity and then lets go, smiles gently, and with great dignity walks across the endless Persian carpet to him.

Standing close, she meets his eye.

NIA

I don’t want the dream any more. I don’t need you. I will survive this. I have the best part of your strength, I think.

She stands on tip toe and kisses his cheek.

NIA

Goodbye, Dad.

Nia turns and walks back down the room. Darrogh watches her go.

She steps through the door without looking back.

Darrogh takes step toward the door, stops, turns and reaches for the wine bottle again.

EXT.FIELD – THE TROUPE ON THE BUS.

Shaunn is waiting outside as Nia comes puffing up the hill.

SHAUNN

How did it -?

He sees her face with tears, but clear.

SHAUNN

A hug?

He hugs her tight.

NIA

My bag?

SHAUNN

On the bus.

Ever the gentleman, Shaunn boards the bus then reaches out and (in the reverse of how she arrived) helps her step up into the bus.

The bus rumbles off.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- OFFICE

Darrogh seated at his desk, writing. We see the middle of the letter as he writes.

DARROGH

(writing on the page not V.O.)

I have never forgiven myself. I tried but nothing covered it up. I thought you’d fix it all. I’m glad you escaped. Please forgive me – again.

INT. THE BUS

Driving down the hill and toward the town, as Nia reads the letter from Luciana.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

Dear Nia. You came into this community like a sunbeam and into my heart bringing the light that has been missing for 20 years, since your Mother died.

The Voiceover continues as

EXT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – FRONT STEPS. ARIAL

Darrogh ‘seated’ on the steps leaning against pillar.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

I am so proud of you – your strength and courage and kindness.

Go into the world and shine. Be free. I will make sure your Father is looked after.

Luciana appears running, up the steps toward Darrogh. She reaches him and takes him in her arms, as he topples sideways, and a gun falls from his hand.

The bus enters the same shot, speeding along the roadside, just below the hill with Darrogh’s mansion.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

For your mother who loved him and who I loved, and for you. I promised Amahla I’d take care of you. And now I can.

Come home any time- I am always here.

THE ARIAL SHOT RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER

As the brightly colored troupe-bus leaves the town on the open road and the dark mansion shrinks to a speck.

LUCIANA (V.O.)

Te amo siempre, Luciana.

(in English ‘Love you always’)

THE END

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S FINAL PAGE

What I learned doing this assignment is it is super fun to think a variety of endings, that fit the characters as they are, and see how it and where I can make it relate to the rest of the story. It enriches the details and arc of the story enormously

A. THE SETUP / PAYOFF FINAL PAGE.

To do this I would go back and create set ups to make these payoffs:

IN THE CLIMAX

• The play showing Darrogh how he was duped

– would use the very words/things he had said to the ‘businessmen’ who were the con-artists…

– The song ‘He had it coming’ (sung in the play) has been set up as from his favorite movie.

– the adapted ‘Lear’ scene would include some of the things he has said to Nia

• The finale scene when Nia plays Desdemona being murdered dressed as her Mother – will also have been set up earlier with regard to Nia’s Mother’s feelings about the play

IN THE RESOLUTION

• Nia’s last visit with her Father

– Mirror the first meeting between them in that same room

– references to some of the things he said about her/to her which are now quite opposite.

she has become who he said she never would. He is proud of her at last but she chooses to leave.

B. THE CONTRAST FINAL PAGE.

given the climax, this isn’t possible here..

C. THE CLIMAX/RESOLUTION FINAL PAGE.

There is a final small climax/resolution – the last private meeting between Nia and her Father. If she was about to get on the bus then he appeared, to plead with her to stay, and had to meet her in the field in which she first arrived, that he just had to give back, and she still says No- that could work.

D. THE “SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THIS MESS” FINAL PAGE.

This doesn’t end with a down ending…unless it is that she doesn’t get her Goal however she gets her need and a Boyfriend!

E. THE “ONE LAST GESTURE” FINAL PAGE.

The one last action is the letter that Luciana gives Nia to read in the bus, when she says she’ll take care of Darrogh and not to worry about him – but go and be free.

F. THE SHOCK FINAL PAGE

Darrogh commits suicide. After Nia leaves and while she is reading the letter from Luciana on the bus, we see Luciana go to the house and find Darrogh dead, a note expressing his guilt and grief. Then back to the bus – a very hi aerial shot of the Bus leaving the town and Luciana siting on the steps with Darrogh’s body.

2. Choose your favorite and write the final page.

If I had time I think I’d write the Set Up/Pay Off last scene between Nia and her Dad – a kind of last personal ‘between just them’ climax – then cap it with the Shock ending as Nia leaves on the Bus. (She doesn’t know it has happened.)

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES RULES

What I learned doing this assignment is.. I haven’t actually written it all yet. I need to sharpen the conflict and make the goals harder to reach, less sure until the very end

RULE 5. Scenes to be on the look out for ON THE NOSE:

I haven’t actually written it all yet.. so this is a great heads up as I piece it together for the end.

• Luciana Tells Nia what really happened between her and Amahla into the flashback scene

• Coming up with the play idea

• What is said after the Desdemona scene

• Nia and Darroghs last meeting

RULE 6. The climax of the movie location for the conflict.

The live play (revealing all) is held IN THE FIELD where the bull dozers wait to begin development. Nia with her troupe and the local community – Darrough in the audience

There is no other place…

RULE 7. Must keep us guessing to the very end.

Tell us at least three things you’ll do to keep us guessing to the end.

1) Will the play actually happen?

due to weather, D not wanting to come, Nia getting old feet.

2) Bill pulls a gun on Nia and Luciana (A whole new idea….)

3) her goal of having a loving Father depends on how he takes the revelations in the play we don’t know that til the 2nd last scene of the play – it could go either way

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT

———————

Kate’s Powerful Setups)

What I learned doing this assignment is Whew! some of this is hard to tease out from/inject into the s direction and story as it currently is. Some good ideas and Aha’s! though. Looking forward to working this unit with the script when I have it assembled…

Current Nia (Protagnist) Vs Darrough (Antagonist)

CONTEXT: Darrogh is destroying the town, and has ‘killed’ Nia’s Mother

Nia has always imagined him to be perfect and now has to name the truth to him herself and in front of the community.

FINAL ACTIONS

to show Darrogh the con he fell into – humiliate him in public via a play

to show D she knows what he did to her mother and who he is – an epilogue playlet

to resist his pleas to stay with him after he is broken

to leave without taking anything he offers – free to live her own life.

A. Build their Reputation

Nia: her friends describe her as stubborn, manic, principled and a risk-taker

We see her rock climbing, playing pool well, and tearing off to confront Luciana regardless of the consequences, challenging Shaunn to get to know his Mother, staying with Darrorgh even as she plots against him.

B. Justification for the final actions

Darrogh is deliberately destroying the town,

he has used gambling to fleece people.

he is plans to build a huge landfill on all the land he can buy to be named after him

he has a vendetta against Luciana

he was responsible for Nia’s mother;’s death’

he abandoned Nia when she was 6

C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions

two con attempts fail,

Nia is always hopeful sure she can save him

he constantly works to constantly remind her that he is her Dad

she has the letter from her dead Mother asking her to forgive her father

she generally avoids conflict preferring to smooth things out tease/cajole people into things

that doesnt work with Darrogh

D. Discuss the final actions openly

The group working on the con

the plan for the Tell All play

]the plan to create an event to get him to come to and see the play

E. Twists that take it away

Darrogh offers to take care of everyone

Darrogh also has a letter from Amahla and she writes about how his daughter will take care of him

A huge storm comes overnight

F. Alternate Hope/fear

Everybody agrees to create a new ‘play’ to reveal it all (hope)

Darrogh isnt interested going to another play (Fear)_

They invite him to an ‘event’ in which he will be given the keys to the landfill (Hope)

The storm comes (fear)

The plays must go on (Hope)

After the revelation D tries to bribe and emotionally blackmail Nia (fear)

G. Create and pay off emotional setups

Neg: Darrogh calls her a stupid little girl who knows nothing and can’t do anything

Impact: Nia is cowered, embarrassed and very hurt. She leaves his house

Overcome: She creates and performs a parody of the Desdemona scene – calls him out for her Mother

Recog: he breaks down and slinks off/Luciana says her mother would be proud.

H. Suspense around the outcome

The storm

Darrogh might not come

Nia gets cold feet

Is the con/$ fully secure

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Kick Ass endings!

What I learned doing this assignment is there are some great germs of ideas that might work given time and weaving back, that only come out of doing what seems completely unrelated to these characters and context. ALSO I need to strength the physical expression of the conflict between Nia and Darrogh, now it is very emotional and cerebral. Some endings are naturally there however…

1. The Ultimate Confrontation

Ni and Darrogh – the play in public, with the epilogue.

2. Return Home, Only it is Different

Nia goes back to the theatre world with a business-like, practical approach.

3. End with a Future

Nia leaving on the bus, snuggled with Shaunn, reading the letter from Luciana where she says she’ll take care of Darrogh and to go and live free.

4. Major Layer Uncovered

A. A key component of the story that can be hidden throughout the story.

– Nia has her Mother’s diary in which she says Darrogh isn’t a bad guy just lonely and needy and underneath afraid and he will need forgiveness. After her grandparents died she was given the letter and has tracked him down. She went there to find him – secretly.

B. It needs to be directly connected to the main conflict of the story.

– Her conflict – wanting the perfect Dad, recognizing the reality of the one she has.

C. It needs to somehow be responsible for much of what has happened in the story

– It is hard for Nia to see who he really is because this letter is from her Mother and she wants to do what she asked.

5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk

• confusion about who Luciana is – good or bad person?

• The Con Attempt fails 2x

• finally hears the truth of her Mother’s death

• first fight with her Father when she experiences the nasty side of him

• next fight – thrown out of Darrogh’s house

• Darrogh’s development is starting

• They meet again – he pulls a big emotional blackmail on him

• she has to keep the secret of the Con.

6. Great Protagonist Strategy

A. A great strategy for the Protagonist to use.

•As Nia learns more about him she also learns she must never show him her true self.

The play idea = to reveal the Con – but it is not enough.

SO she decides on the Othello scene – personal

B. Covert setups to make the strategy viable.

• rehearsal secretly

• moves back into his house

• convinces him to go to the show

C. Overt setups to convince the audience the Protagonist won’t succeed.

• he immediately starts working on her again

• produces Amahla’s farewell letter to him about their daughter

• a storm comes the morning of the show

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES 3 ENDINGS

What I learned doing this assignment is if you have set up a character to be a certain way you can’t force them to behave in a way that isn’t in their character. So, for me the Q is does having the ending justify changing the character from the beginning? and what else does that change? I need more time to look at possible endings and see if the payoff is worth the changes that would need to be made. I did realise that I need to make it harder for Nia to reach her need… More twists!

Nia’s Goal/Need

She wants the perfect idealized father she never had /She needs to know and accept the truth.

THE UP ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act.(down)

.Darrogh (her father) throws Nia out of his house, she has a flashback to a forgotten memory when he kicked her Mother out; Luciana (who she was beginning to trust and like) has been called into question; the land they are all trying to has bulldozers on it; the 2nd attempt to work the con has failed.

– Twists.

had another memory surfaces – of her father misunderstanding the rel between L and Am

Luciana gives Nia a letter she had received from Amahla saying how much she loved Darorgh and Nia but the pain was too much to bare. And for Nia to live with her.

3rd try at the con has worked

Darrogh calls to ask Nia to come back ‘home’

Nia asks the community to hold off on the public play for now

– Crisis

Nia agrees to meet Darrogh one more time as long as he is honest with her

Darrogh and Nia have one more private meeting when he again tries to’ buy’ and emotionally blackmail her, she again asks him to tell her the truth

Darorgh gives her a letter tread – from Amahla to him – just before she suicided, asking him to let Nia live with Luciana

Darrogh confesses he was so hurt he abandoned Nia and blamed Luciana

He has been working to raise $ for cancer research but didnt want anyone to know to avoid people asking for money.

Nia says he could give the land back to the community and set up a place for people with cancer to heal

If he does she will stay

he says he will think about it.

– Climax

At the event that night Darrogh announces he doesn’t want a landfill but a Community for health.

The con people come clean and give him his money back

Luciana and Darrogh make amends

All ends well

– Protagonist receiving both their goal and need.

She gets the perfect idealized father she never had and she knows/accepts the truth of his past behavior

THE DOWN ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act. (up)

Darrogh (her father) and Nia agree to disagree

Luciana offers wise advice suggesting be patient

the 2nd attempt to work the con has opened a door to an solution

– Twists.

Nia has a flashback to a forgotten memory when he kicked her Mother out

Luciana (who she was beginning to trust and like) has been called into question

the land they are all trying to has bulldozers on it; the 2nd attempt to work the con has failed.

– Crisis.

Nia asks the community to hold off on the public play for now

Confronts Darrogh about the truth of her Mother’s death and why he left

Darrogh says he was heart-broken, asks Nia to forgive him, and says how much he needs her

– Climax.

Nia makes a choice to support him -believes she can help him- and after all he is her Dad

She withdraws from the play and resigns from the theatre troupe

She tells him about and admits to her part in the Con and also asks for forgiveness

He is impressed and offers her a partnership with him

She says yes if he works on being kinder to people.

They are now bound together.

– Protagonist losing both their goal and need.

They have a relationship but her father is still a shit and she still won’t believe it, hoping for him to change. thus she hasn’t faced the truth and has traded one form of blindness for another at the cost of her ethics.

THE IRONIC ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act – the goal in danger and the need almost fulfilled.

Darrogh (her father) throws Nia out of his house, she has a flashback to a forgotten memory when he kicked her Mother out; Luciana (who she was beginning to trust and like) has been called into question; the land they are all trying to has bulldozers on it; the 2nd attempt to work the con has failed.

– Twists.

Nia has sorted it out with Luciana and heard some truths; and had another memory surface

3rd try at the con has worked

Darrogh has asked Nia to come back ‘home’

Nia agrees to go all in with the community and also suggests a ‘play’ to expose the con to Darrogh very publicly

– Crisis.

Darrogh and Nia have one more private meeting when he again tries to’ buy’ and emotionally blackmail her, she again asks him to tell her the truth but can’t yet tell him she knows

– Climax.

the play is performed capped by an ‘epilogue’ performed by Nia (dressed a gown of her mother’s) as Desdemona in the murder scene in Othello- and she tells him she knows the ruth.

– Protagonist receiving their need, but losing their goal

Nia finds out the truth (and with it her strength) but will never have the idealized, perfect father she wanted.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s 3rd Act Structure

What I learned doing this assignment – it was so helpful to go back to some of the early documents/lessons in this and get them organized, and then see how it has all evolved. It reminded me that Nia is the Protagonist (not the town) and I need to make that more central and linked to the context of the towns fight with Darrogh.

1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?

A David can still win over a Goliath at personal and community levels.

The truth will free you.

Sometimes you have to do things that aren’t ‘good’ in order to reach the ultimate good.

2. What is the main conflict of the story?

Nia’s wants to believe her father is wonderful and then has to deal with the real Darrogh and story of the past, which plays in the context of the town rising up against him and she has to chooses sides.

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

She wants the perfect idealized father she never had/She needs to know the truth.

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

Nia evolves from innocent and passive, to aware and proactive.

Darrogh moves from supremely confident to broken and pleading

Luciana moves from longing to accepting

5. How do you want this movie to end?

Nia finds her power, says no to her father and leaves to have her now free life.

I want the audience to feel uplifted/inspired by Nia’s arc, and also warned by Darrogh’s. (He loses everything by his greed and arrogance.)

B. Give a short description of how each of these structural steps will occur in your script.

1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.

Darrogh (her father) throws Nia out of his house, she has a flashback to a forgotten memory when he kicked her Mother out; Luciana (who she was beginning to trust and like) has been called into question; the land they are all trying to has bulldozers on it; the 2nd attempt to work the con has failed.

2. CRISIS — The decision point.

Nia has sorted it out with Luciana and heard some truths; and had another memory surface; 3rd try at the con has worked; Darrogh has asked Nia to come back ‘home’; Nia agrees to go all in with the community and also suggests a ‘play’ to expose the con to Darrogh very publicly

3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face her biggest fear.

Darrogh and Nia have one more private meeting when he again tries to’ buy’ and emotionally blackmail her, she again asks him to tell her the truth but can’t yet tell him she knows; the play is performed capped by an ‘epilogue’ performed by Nia (dressed a gown of her mother’s) as Desdemona in the murder scene in Othello- and she tells him she knows the ruth.

4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.

The community have their land back, Nia and Darrogh have one last visit when he pleads for her to stay – he is sorry and lonely. She forgives him but leaves to go on with her life without him, suggests he will have to depend on this community. She leaves his house on foot, as she first arrived, refusing the offer of one of his cars.

5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

Nia is on the bus, leaving with the acting troupe as she had arrived, reading a letter Luciana gave her as they hugged goodbye. VO Luciana saying not to worry about Darrogh, she will take care of him because she loved Amahla (Nia’s mother) who loved Darrogh, and she wants Nia to have a completely free life.

[Kate Hawkes]

Ooh I like missing the bird.. is that a reference to something earlier?

love that Lincoln be promises not to but fires anyway

this is good- I liked in the previous that they were still different – this explains why they’re not

LINCOLN (O.S.)

You know, I never thought I could do something like this.

Clay turns to face Lincoln’s gun, smiles bitterly.

CLAY

But now you can.

LINCOLN

And I have you to thank for that.

and then that he still cant actually do it.. well.
something about a deep inner goodness still hanging in there

And this is very cool I can really picture it!

Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.

Then — a huge SHIMMER passes, leaving the men standing apart like two Western gunfighters.

Did you see my ‘notes’ on the first daft?

is this still here?

LINCOLN

And you know this because…?

CLAY

I can feel you inside me.

Lincoln, struggles with himself, finally lowers the gun.

I really liked that…and I guess Lincoln also feels Clay in him..

Great work Dev – my! what a journey these guys have been on with you!

(or you with them….)

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you June. I have posted a V2

with more info on the background/context that might help explain? justify? some of the dialogue choices. I did make a couple of cuts but feel that as/where this scene fits in the over all story – what the audience knows going into the scene and what they find out after.. wellI didn’t cut much…

The plotting ref is important because indeed he’s right! she is!!

So she is extra eager to reassure him she loves him and she does..

Anyway, if you have a chance look at V2.

Cheers

[Kate Hawkes]

I posted V2 – somewhere…

Thank you Dev! I softened his opening and through it a bit.. however I want to be sure he never asks for anything. He always demands because he is sure he will always get what he wants. Until the very end when he has to plead with Nia to look after him- and it’s way too late.

I added more to the background info to make the brush thing clearer – I hope. we have see him in a flashback do a similar thing with the brush and Amahla

I think what he doesn’t want to ‘know’ is that he is the one that caused Amahla to suicide – we find that out later.

Thank you and now to look at your V2.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates’ Kick-ass Dialogue Scene V2

DARROGH

Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

NIA

Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

SCENE SET UP with new BACKGROUND INFO

Darrogh has recently reconnected with his Daughter Nia, 20 years after her Mother(his wife) Amahla had died. He is a developer who is bent on ruining this small town due to his loathing of the town Mayor Luciana, and her past friendship with Amahla.

Nia is here with an acting troupe, and coincidentally ‘found’ him when the Troupe arrived to do some performances. She has also made friends with the local people and tried to advocate with her Father to not develop the land.

*** MORE BACKGROUND INFO: She has also agreed to help them with a Sting Operation to con Darrogh out of the land while still believing/hoping he will come round.***

AND ***in a previous scene (a flashback) we have seen Darrogh taunting Amahla with the same brush very similarly to the way he does in this with Nia. (** this is actually posted in the Colorful Dialogue #9 Assignment – the last one)***

Just prior to this scene Darrogh has warned Nia to stay away from Luciana saying that she caused Amahla’s death because of the Lesbian relationship they had.
** MORE BACKGROUND INFO(Which is not true and deep down he knows it, it was his behavior that caused her suicide.)***
It was too much for Nia who excused herself and came here to her room.

Darrogh has been stewing in the Library for about 20minutes.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.

NIA

(texting)

So I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.

The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.

Nia sees him and is surprised.

NIA

Dad!

With an effort – this is not easy for him.

DARROGH

I know it’s hard for you to understand but believe me, it is best you stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.

NIA

Why? Because she wants to save her land?

DARROGH

Save her land!

(sarcastically)

I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli.

NIA

You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess Protector of the Land stuff..

DARROGH

(with a shrug)

Hey! I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win.

NIA

Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then?

Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser..

He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.

DARROGH

Was this your Mothers’?

Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.

NIA

You don’t know?

Darrogh turns it in his hand.

DARROGH

Maybe I don’t want to know.

NIA

I think you’re afraid.

Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.

DARROGH

You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist.

Nia slides off the bed, stands a few feet from him.

NIA

It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.

DARROGH

Has it started?

NIA

Yes. This job with the tour company!

Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.

DARROGH

Oh beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it.

NIA

Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.

Darrogh snorts with derision.

DARROGH

See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.

He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.

NIA

“The man that hath no music in himself,

Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,

Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.”

Darrogh applauds.

DARROGH

Shakespeare?

NIA

Lorenzo to the Merchant.

DARROGH

I’m the merchant?

NIA

It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well.

Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.

DARROGH

You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.

NIA

Give me my brush.

DARROGH

Your brush?

NIA

Yes.

DARROGH

I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.

NIA

When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine.

Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.

Darrogh hesitates.

Then steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.

DARROGH

Will you stay away from Luciana?

NIA

I can’t promise that.

DARROGH

You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house.

Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.

NIA

(pleading)

I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you.

DARROGH

YOU? Help me?

NIA

I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.

DARROGH

They’re the ones that need help!

There is a beat.

Then Nia smiles, quietly.

NIA

Thank you for the brush.

DARROGH

Take it with you. Now!

NIA

But I -.

DARROGH

Don’t be here in the morning.

He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

a mistaken post

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

I am late to this one and welcome any feedback anyone wants to give.

KATES KICKASS DIALOGUE

Wat I learned was that this kind of approach leads to deeper and more interesting dialogue and uncovers new aspects of character. It also got me writing scene I had been dreading.

2 CHARACTERS

DARROGH

Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Possible areas of subtext: takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship

NIA

Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him.

SCENE SET UP

(this is about midway)

Darrogh has recently reconnected with his Daughter, Nia, 20 years after her Mother(his wife) Amahla had died. He is a developer who is bent on ruining this small town due to his loathing of the town Mayor Luciana, and her past friendship with Amahla.

Nia is here with an acting troupe, and coincidentally ‘found’ him when the Troupe arrived to do some performances. She has also made friends with the local people and tried to advocate with her Father to not develop the land.

Just prior to this scene Darrogh has warned Nia to stay away from Luciana saying that she caused Amahla’s death because of the Lesbian relationship they had. It was too much for Nia who excused herself and came here to her room.

Darrogh has been stewing in the Library for about 20minutes.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.

NIA

(texting)

I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.

The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.

Nia sees him and is surprised.

NIA

Dad!

DARROGH

You will stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.

NIA

Why? Because she wants to save her land?

DARROGH

Save her land! I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli.

NIA

You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess of the land stuff.

DARROGH

I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win.

NIA

Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then?

Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser.

He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.

DARROGH

Was this your Mothers’?

Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.

NIA

You don’t know?

Darrogh turns it in his hand.

DARROGH

Maybe I don’t want to know.

NIA

I think you’re afraid.

Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.

DARROGH

You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist.

Nia slides off the bed so she is standing a few feet from him.

NIA

It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.

DARROGH

Has it started?

NIA

Yes. This job with the tour company!

Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.

DARROGH

Oh, beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it.

NIA

Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.

DARROGH

See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.

He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.

NIA

“The man that hath no music in himself,

Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,

Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.”

Darrogh applauds.

DARROGH

Shakespeare?

NIA

Lorenzo to the Merchant.

DARROGH

I’m the merchant?

NIA

It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well.

Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.

DARROGH

You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.

NIA

Give me my brush.

DARROGH

Your brush?

NIA

Yes.

DARROGH

I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.

NIA

When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine.

Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.

Darrogh hesitates.

Then he steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.

DARROGH

Will you stay away from Luciana?

NIA

I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.

DARROGH

You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house.

Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.

NIA

I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you.

DARROGH

YOU? Help me?

NIA

I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.

DARROGH

I don’t want help with ‘the townspeople’. They’re ones that need help!

There is a beat.

Then Nia smiles, quietly.

NIA

Thank you for the brush.

DARROGH

Take it with you. Now!

NIA

But I -.

DARROGH

Don’t be here in the morning.

He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates Colorful Dialogue

“What I learned doing this assignment is it brought out an entire character I had barely mentioned before as she came to life fighting with Darrogh. And it was fun to do with those elements in mind.

(COLORFUL DIALOGUE SCENE.)

Flashback scene to Amahla and Darrogh fighting.

INT. BEDROOM IN DARROGH AND AMAHLA’S HOUSE -20 YEARS AGO

Early evening, Amahla is sitting at her dressing table, in a long apricot-colored lacy slip, brushing her hair looking in the mirror, happily humming Gershwin’s ‘’Lets Call The Whole Thing Off to herself.

The door cracks open and Darrogh’s face appears. He looks at her a long while, as she is unaware.

He steps into the room and lets the door bang behind hm. Amahla Jumps, dropping the brush which rolls away from her toward Darrogh.

AMAHLA

Oh heavens! You startled me!

DARROGH

Oh, did I? Sorry.

AMAHLA

(smiling easily)

It’s ok. I’ll live. Can you pass me the brush please?

DARROGH

I can, but will I?

Amahla senses something is off.

AMAHLA

Darrogh? You ok?

Darrogh, with exaggerated courtesy, picks up the brush and holds it out to her, just out of reach.

DARROGH

As ok as a man can be. Your brush.

Amahla stands carefully watching him. She knows him enough to feel the danger here even though she’s not experienced it. She tries to make him smile. She drops a curtsey.

AMAHLA

Thank you, kind sir.

Darrogh bows in like fashion, as if to then present her with the brush but instead, but walks in a circle away from her, keeping her in his sight.

DARROGH

Expecting company tonight?

AMAHLA

No. Just you.

DARROGH

JUST me…

AMAHLA

I mean, only you .. noone else.

DARROGH

How disappointing for you.

AMAHLA

Darrogh! Don’t start this.

DARROGH

Start what?!

AMAHLA

This, this nonsense. I love you – always have, always will.

DARROGH

So what’s with the song!

AMAHLA

Song?

In exaggerated imitation, but good voice, Darrogh sings.

DARROGH

‘Things have come to a pretty pass Our romance is growing flat,

For you like this and the other

While I go for this and that’.

AMAHLA

It’s a song! It doesn’t mean anything.

DARROGH

Oh so these lines don’t mean anything?

(he sings)

‘But oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part

And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart’.

Amahla has had enough. She reaches for the brush.

AMAHLA

It’s a song.

Darrogh holds the brush above his head.

DARROGH

You are cock-tease Amahla.

AMAHLA

And you’re a first class shit.

DARROGH

Always first class here.

AMAHLA

Give me the brush.

DARROGH

Or what?

Amahla suddenly, and very skillfully, takes 3 steps forward, leaps into the air like a gymnast reaching for the rings, grabs the brush from Darrogh’s uplifted hand, and using her other hand vaults off his other shoulder, and lands back almost where she started.

There is a moment as they face each other at each other.

DARROGH

If it weren’t for me you’d still be in the circus and maybe that’s where you I should send you back to.

AMAHLA

Nia would like that.

Darrogh is taken aback.

DARROGH

MY child will never be a fucking gypsy! Tramping about the country, sleeping with any man who looks her way.

AMAHLA

How dare you! I left my world to be with you. You’re the one who haunted me, followed me from show to show ‘til I couldn’t do anything but agree to go with you.

DARROGH

And I have given you everything. A life you could never have imagined.

Amahla comes to him, gently.

AMAHLA

Yes, dearest Darrogh. You have. And I love you, not for what you’ve given me but for who you really are when this darkness isn’t upon you.

There is a long moment as Darrogh looks at her. She strokes his arm, and hands, down to his fingers one by one. He begins to relax.

AMAHLA

Come to bed, dear man who I love so much.

She pulls his toward the bed.

DARROGH

I need a shower.

AMAHLA

I can help you with that.

Darrogh sits on the edge of the bed and pulls her into his lap, enfolding her in an all encompassing embrace into which she melts. He looks over her shoulder as she snuggles in. He is both relieved and also slightly sad as if he doesn’t believe this will last.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates Subtext Pointers 2

What I learned doing this assignment is having a focused tool is a great way to get into a scene I had been avoiding ! and it gives an edge to everyone that might not have been there.

This phone call happens near the end of the film. The business ‘con ‘group have made their last pitch to get the land from Darrogh. Nia and Darrogh had a big fight about the proposed land fill and he had thrown her out. Darrogh thinks he has won (partnering with the ‘landfill managers’). Nia finds out he hasn’t but can’t tell him.

(The pointer in brackets refers to what was just said)

INT/EXT DARROGH’S HOUSE/CAMPSITE – AFTERNOON -INTERCUT

Darrogh is at his desk excitedly tapping his fingers on the desktop. Suddenly reaches for his landline phone and calls Nia.

DARROGH

Nia? It’s your father.

Nia is seated by the campfire deep in thought, waiting for the ‘business-group’ to return from their last ditch effort to con Darrogh.

NIA

Oh! Hello Dad.

DARROGH

I have some great news!

Nia wonders if this means the group succeeded.

NIA

I’m well, Dad – and you?

DARROGH

Oh good. Of course. How are you?

NIA

Must be pretty amazing news as you don’t seem to be hearing straight. As I said, I’m well.

(Sarcasm)

DARROGH

It’s pretty amazing for me, if no-one else.

(Insinuation)

NIA

Along the lines of green hills and land fills?

(Hint)

DARROGH

Now maybe you can relax and just enjoy being here with me?

(Allusion)

NIA

You’ve got the hide of rhinoceros – either that or you’re just completely tone deaf.

(Metaphor)

She knows now that the con succeeded but can’t believe that Darrogh thinks she’d be okay with that (supposed) outcome.

DARROGH

You’re my daughter!

(Implication)

NIA

Dad, you know I feel about the land.

DARROGH

Please Nia, just come and have lunch with me. We can talk about it.

NIA

I don’t know that will make any difference in the long run.

(Hint)

DARROGH

I won’t eat you. Hell, I might even listen to some of your ideas about the land.

(Implication)

NIA

Maybe my ideas will win out. What would you do then?

(Allusion)

DARROGH

Dream on Little hippie girl!

(Sarcasm)

NIA

This is no way to get me to have lunch with you!

Darrogh laughs comfortably.

DARROGH

I’m sorry I can’t help it. I like the battle. It always works out.

(Implication)

The car with the con group drives up. She waves and holds her finger to lips pointing at the phone as they pull up.

NIA

I need some time. I’ll let you know.

DARROGH

I’ll make sure everyone is taken care of IF you come back. It’s up to you. If you really do care.

(Insinuation).

They are out of the car – grinning and thumbs up. Nia grins back

NIA

The devil is in the details, right Dad? I‘ll get back to you.

(Metaphor/Hint)

I have to go now. I’ll get back to you. ‘Bye Dad.

She is feeling a bit guilty.

NIA

I will call, ok?

DARROGH

The champagne is waiting when you tear yourself away from those ragtags. You know where you really belong Nia. I’ll always be here.

(Insinuation/Implication)

Darrogh hangs up.

Nia shakes her head in disbelief, puts the phone her pocket and runs to meet the jubilant team.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES COVERUPS

What I learned doing this assignment is that each potential the choice reveals something about the character speaking and then opens the door to the one who has to respond. It also shows when the writer is in the way of the characters as I try and fit a format. (which is ok to know and experience.)

Background. The audience knows that Darrogh is out to destroy this community as a way to punish Luciana. )We doin’t know why yet.)

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE – BREAKFAST TABLE. MORNIN

After a difficult conversation the night before, when Darrogh lost his temper with Nia and she stormed out, Darrogh and Nias are having breakfast. There has been very little in the way of conversation thus far.

DARROGH

Nia, I know that you were upset last night. I may have been a bit – unkind.

NIA

Just a bit.

DARROGH

I have been under some stress. The land deal. Nia, it means so much to me.

NIA

As indeed the land means a lot to many people. Not just you.

DARROGH

What would you have me do Nia?

NIA

You could just let people live there! You don’t need the money! What are you trying to prove?

EXAMPLES OF EACH COVER UP STYLE

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Darrogh drinks his coffee.

– Action incongruent with words.

Throws his hands up in a surrender gesture and says “It means more to me than anyone.’

– Change subject.

I’m going to make fresh coffee. Want Some?

– Question them.

What do you care so much?

– Attack back.

And what the hell are YOU trying to prove?

– Complement them.

You’re so beautiful when you’re riled up like this.

– Threaten them

You’d better mind your own business – daughter or not.

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

I just want to wreck peoples lives for the hell of it.

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction.

Have you had a close look at the land for yourself?

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

Darrogh laughs paternally, and says ’Nia you’re unique!

– Distraction.

I’m taking a drive to the coast later, want to come?

– Make a joke of it.

Gotta prove I’m ‘The Man’ to my little girl after all these years.

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

It’s hard to say isn’t it, what any of us want.

COMPLETE THE SCENE WITH THIS ONE:

DARROGH

Nia, I know that you were upset last night. I may have been a bit – unkind.

NIA

Just a bit.

DARROGH

I have been under some stress. The land deal. Nia, it means so much to me.

NIA

As indeed the land means a lot to many people. Not just you.

DARROGH

What would you have me do Nia?

NIA

You could just let people live there! You don’t need the money! What are you trying to prove?

DARROGH

I just want to wreck peoples lives for the hell of it.

Nia stands, her coffee-cup in hand

NIA

If I thought that I wouldn’t still be here. One day you’ll tell me. There has to be a reason. You’re not just mean.

She looks squarely at him, he meets her gaze silently.

Nia leaves the room.

Darrogh goes to the window and looks out, his face a mask of determination and resistance.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Dialogue Structure

This exercise picks up early in the midst of the Nia-Luciana coffee shop scene. Their first private meeting. Luciana knows who Nia is, her background, what really happened between her parents. Nia doesn’t know that let alone that Luciana knows or even who Luciana is in relation to her history.

They have just met and Luciana is going to get the coffee order.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana opens her bag and carefully takes out a beautifully wrapped package.

LUCIANA

I know we have a meeting but first, I want to give you this.

She holds out the package. Nia hesitates.

LUCIANA

Please, take it. I’ll get the coffee.

She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved.

Luciana is coming back, and stops for a moment to watch her.

Then comes over and sits close to her.

LUCIANA

She’s beautiful, no?

NIA

Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you. Where did you get her?

LUCIANA

She was mine. From when I was little. Did you have doll as a child?

NIA

Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.

LUCIANA

But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.

NIA

I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.

LUCIANA

How did that happen?

NIA

My mother died, when I was 6 and my father was too sad to stay. So… But, and you know, I’ve found him now.

LUCIANA

Yes, you have…

The waitress brings Nia’s coffee. Nia puts the doll on the table.

LUCIANA

Gracias.

Nia takes a sip, it is a special Mexican mix, not quite what Nia expected but good.

LUCIANA

It is good, yes?

NIA

Yes, different but you’re right. Very good.

LUCIANA

If you don’t like it, that’s ok.

NIA

No, I do. I do.

LUCIANA

You don’t like to upset people, do you?

NIA

Well, no. Why upset people if you don’t have to?

LUCIANA

Sometimes it is necessary.

NIA

Not often. Usually, it works out.

LUCIANA

And if it doesn’t?

NIA

It always does.

Nia is holding the mug in both her hands when her hair falls forward.

Luciana reaches out and pushes it behind her ear before Nia can put her cup down.

Nia sits back, surprised and in doing so knocks the doll off the table

NIA

Oh, I’m sorry.

She quickly stoops to pick it up, when she sits up Luciana is staring at her.

NIA

I don’t think I broke her.

LUCIANA

You can’t break her.

She takes the woven rag doll.

LUCIANA

See? She is flexible and she bends. Nothing will hurt her.

NIA

Yes, I see that. It’s unusual, a toy that doesn’t break.

LUCIANA

Like a pure love. It survives all the tiempos duros.

Luciana hands the doll back.

NIA

Tiempos duros?

LUCIANA

Rough times. Keep her, she is for you now. Por Favor.

Nia is thoughtful and a little uncomfortable. She busies herself putting the doll very carefully in her bag.

NIA

It’s very good coffee and I’m not just being polite.

Luciana smiles warmly and takes a breath as if to speak.

Nia jumps in quickly.

NIA

You said this is a ‘meeting’? Something you wanted to tell me.

Luciana sits back quickly, regroups.

LUCIANA

Oh, yes. How is it going with Darrogh?

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE CONTRAST SCENE

What I learned from this assignment is that it brings it to life when it isn’t obvious and when there is more for the audience and the characters to have to deal with.

EXT. ROCK FACE – LATE AFTERNOON.

It is quite hot. They drove out, and hiked in. It is about 3 hours since they left camp. Nia and Shaunn are 2/3rds up a steep rock face, with Shaunn as the belayer for now although they take it in turns as it is a multi-pitch climb. Both are experienced Trad climbers but this is challenging.

Nia is balanced on the rock face, reaching up for a hand hold above her head. Shaunn is perched on a ledge below her, feeding out the rope.

NIA

I just think that I need to be there. Climbing.

Nia inches up the cliff face.

SHAUN

Climb on. Why? He’s not a good guy.

NIA

I don’t really know that. Maybe underneath he’s – you know – just lonely?

SHAUN

And it’s your job to keep him company?

Nia reaches a very tricky spot. Almost vertical and not much in the way of holes.

NIA

Watch me!

There is silence as she navigates the spot and Shaunn feeds out the rope carefully. She arrives at a ledge and switches belays.

NIA

Off belay. Anchored. Come on up.

Shaunn starts up to join her.

NIA

He is my Dad.

SHAUN

You don’t even know him!

NIA

Precisely! Which is why I want to stay there with him. I’m not afraid to get to know him.

SHAUN

Slack!

Nia gives him more rope.

SHAUN

Meaning?

NIA

Nothing.

SHAUN

Spit it out – I know when you have something you’re just dying to say! Watch me.

Shaunn is navigating the tough spot. Nia watches quietly. Shaunn arrives at the ledge with Nia and she continues.

NIA

You can’t really make a decision about someone til you know them, and what better way to get to know someone than live with them?

SHAUN

And?

NIA

Like you and your Mom.

SHAUN

I lived with my Mom for years.

NIA

You go on. I got this.

Shaunn goes on above her as she feeds the rope.

NIA

But you don’t know her and I don’t think you’re even trying to know her. You’re afraid to.

SHAUN

No way! I just don’t … like how she is..

NIA

Do you know what she’s like inside?

Shaunn is near the top now.

SHAUN

Not really. Shall I keep going and tie off up there? We’ve got enough rope.

NIA

Sure.

SHAUN

Tension.

Nia tightens the rope as Shaunn navigates the last part of the climb up onto the top.

SHAUN

Off belay! And now –

He loops the rope and is ready to belay her up.

SHAUN

On belay. Climb on.

NIA

Climbing.

She starts up the last part of the climb.

NIA

That’s what I mean. If you don’t get to really know someone then you don’t know why they’re like they are and how can you then decide what to do about them?

SHAUN

So you’re saying I’m afraid to know her?

NIA

Yep. And that’s why you don’t want her to come here. What if you saw her differently than you think?

SHAUN

Not likely.

Nia slips a little.

NIA

Tension!

Shaunn tightens the rope. There is a moment as Nia navigates a slightly awkward place. Then she is clear and continues up.

NIA

Dare you to get to know her! While I’m getting to Darrogh – Dad, you get to know Min.

Nia arrives at the top and scrambles over the lip to Shaunn. He reaches out and pulls her to her feet.

SHAUN

You’re on. I’ll text and invite her as soon as we get off this rock and get a signal!

Nia stands a bit breathless and triumphant. They spit in their palms and shake hands.

NIA

You got this!

SHAUN

WE got this! Look at that view!

Nia and Shaunn stand, arms around each other’s shoulders, reveling in the amazing landscape way below them.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S WORLD VIEW SCENE

What I learned doing this assignment is having those clear signposts helped me really see and hear Min who until then had been a pretty vague character simply moving the story a long.

Character Name: MIN

WORLD VIEW Anything is possible with focus

LIFE METAPHORS:

The Mother Makes the Child

Nothing is Free

Blood is Thicker than Water

RULES AND STRATEGIES:
Work then play

Don’t look back

Better to ask forgiveness than permission

Come in fast and strong

A little sweetness goes along way

Don’t fuck with a Chinese Mother

JUSTIFICATIONS:
I worked incredibly hard for what I have

He’s my only child

A powerful woman has something to teach men

Children owe their parents

BACKGROUND

Min, Shaunn’s businesswoman mother (who is Chinese) who has turned up unexpectedly to help, is talking with Luciana, the Latina Mayor. They only met the day before but find they have a lot in common as they share a glass of wine away from the ‘kids’ at Luciana’s house.

INT. LUCIANA’S LIVING ROOM – AFTER DINNER

LUCIANA

You are a mujer increíble!

MIN

Gracias- tu tambien.

LUCIANA

Oh! Tu hablas español?

MIN

Oh no, muy poco español.

LUCIANA

And I have no Chinese! We use English. How have you made your way in this world? A single mother, successful businesswoman! And so pretty too.

MIN

Ah Luciana. I am sure you know how. You do the same. Anything is possible if we focus!

LUCIANA

Tell me. I want to hear.

Luciana fills their glasses and sits cross-legged on the floor, looking up at Min who is enveloped in a large armchair.

MIN

It begins with work. Work hard, from the beginning. Nothing comes to you for free. And yes, your parents help when they can. It might not be money but they give their love and advice. We never forget our family.

LUCIANA

And Shaunn? You are his family?

MIN

His father was not a – strong – man. He left. I was too much for him. He didn’t know what to do with a powerful Chinese woman.

LUCIANA

(laughing in agreement) )

They don’t know what to do with a powerful Latina woman either.

MIN

It is the Mother who makes the child. I don’t look back. I move on with life. Better to come in fast and strong, ask for forgiveness afterwards, yes?

LUCIANA

Like you did with arriving yesterday? Sure surprised Shaunn.

MIN

He’ll get over it. He is my son. I am his mother.

LUCIANA

He loves this theatre world, Min.

Min looks at her thoughtfully.

MIN

Yes, he does. I have to take that into account. But a little sweetness, then remind him of his duty. He must work before he plays. He has it backwards. He’ll come around. Blood is thicker than water.

LUCIANA

Sometimes.

MIN

Hey, he knows it! Don’t fuck with a Chinese mother!

Luciana grins and raises her glass.

LUCIANA

And don’t fuck with a bruja mexicana!

MIN

Bruja?

LUCIANA

Witch!

Min raises her glass too.

MIN

To the women with something to teach those men!

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates Great Dialogue Scene from THE TRUMAN SHOW

What I learned from this assignment is really good dialogue doesn’t shout ‘Look at me! I’m great dialogue.’ It reads absolutely ‘natural/casual’ until you stop and dissect it.

INT. TRUMAN’S HOUSE – NURSERY. NIGHT.

IN GENERAL THIS LITTLE SCENE

• SHOWS HOW THIS RELATIONSHIP WORKS EVEN AS WE SEE THE CRACKS

(MERYL IS USED TO BEING IN CHARGE)

• USES RANGE IF ATTACK TACTICS FROM MERYL

• SHOWS TRUMAN IS BEGINNING TO THINK OUTSIDE ‘THE BOX’ AND BREAK OUT OF WHAT IS ‘THE NORM’

The drenched TRUMAN enters to find MERYL, in the unfinished nursery, comparing wallpaper samples. Meryl wears a robe, a glimpse of black negligee beneath.

MERYL Where have you been?

TRUMAN

(wringing out his jacket)

I’ve been thinking–

MERYL (rolling her eyes)

Oh, God.

TRUMAN

(ignoring the reception)

–I figure we could scrape together eight thousand.

MERYL (exasperated)

Every time you and Marlon–

ATTACK AND LETS US KNOW THIS IS AN OLD COMPLAINT

TRUMAN

–We could bum around the world for a year on that.

MERYL

And then what, Truman? We’d be back to where we were five years ago. You’re talking like a teenager.

ATTACK

TRUMAN

Maybe I feel like a teenager.

COUNTER ATTACK

MERYL

We’re mortgaged to the eyeballs, Truman. There’s the car payments. Are we just going to walk away from our financial obligations?

ATTACK

Truman, still dripping on the floor, holds Meryl by the arms. He talks excitedly to her the way we imagine he did when they were courting.

TRUMAN

It’d be an adventure.

A HINT OF WHO HE WAS – ENDEARS US TO HIM

MERYL

I thought we were going to try for a baby. Isn’t that enough of an adventure?

SETS UP THRE BABY THING AS FUTURE CONFLICT – HIGHLIGHTS HIS DISINTEREST IN THAT

TRUMAN

That can wait. I want to get away. See some of the world. Explore.

FORESHADOWS THAT HE IS NOT EVEN ‘IN THE WORLD’

Meryl gives a derisive laugh.

MERYL

You want to be an explorer? You don’t even have a passport, Truman. I bet you don’t even know how to get one.

SHOWS WHO’S BOSS HERE

The words sting. Truman turns away. Seeing the pain she’s caused, she changes tack.

MERYL

This’ll pass. Everybody thinks like this now and then.

(making an attempt at seduction) Come to bed.

SHOWS A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR…

TRUMAN

I think I’m going to stay up for a while.

HE BREAKS IT

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Character Traits Live!/Expressing Character

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s a fun and effective way to sharpen and focus dialogue to get the story and the emotion.

THE CHARACTERS

Luciana – Latina College friend of Amahla’s.

Loyal

Determined

Powerful

Courageous

Amahla – African American woman married to Darrogh, Nia is their daughter.

Loving

Idealistic

Intimidated

Peace-maker

Darrogh – older, wealthy.

Possessive

Supremely confident

Suspicious

Vengeful

THE SCENE

Happens near the end of the film.

NIA’S FLASHBACK to Luciana, Amahla, Darrogh

Nia aged 5 is unseen, up on the loft floor looking down on the library.

Picking up at the end of the scene between Luciana and Amahla into Darrogh’s entrance.

INT. THE LIBRARY – EARLY EVENING

Amahla and Luciana in mid conversation.

LUCIANA

Amahla, whatever happens, te quiero.

AMAHLA

I’ve always known it. And I’m sorry I didn’t, don’t…

LUCIANA

No, not sorry. It is what it is. We’ve been very good friends, right?

Luciana takes Amahla’s face gently in her hands.

LUCIANA

And because I love you, I can leave.

AMAHLA

I have to make everything alright with Darrogh. There’s Nia.

LUCIANA

I know.

AMAHLA

And, I love him. I know it will work out.

LUCIANA

I hope so.

The two of them hug as only two very long-time friends who completely trust each other can. Amahla has her head on Luciana’s shoulder, as Luciana softly kisses the top her head.

Suddenly the door to the library crashes open and Darrogh stands in the doorway, his shadow falling across the room.

DARROGH

So! What have we here?

Amahla leaps apart, Luciana stands her ground prepared for anything.

AMAHLA

Darrogh! I didn’t expect you back yet. I’m so glad to see you.

She starts toward him.

DARROGH

Stay there!

(with undisguised disgust)

I know what you’ve been doing.

Amahla stops in her tracks.

AMAHLA

What do you mean?

LUCIANA

Yes, Darrogh. What DO you mean? Say it.

DARROGH

Who do you think you are Luciana, to talk to me that way? You puta lesbiana!

AMAHLA

Darrogh, please. It’s not what you think.

Darrogh stares hard at her.

DARROGH

What do I think?

AMAHLA

I don’t know. I mean -.

Luciana steps forward between Darrogh and Amahla in a protective stance.

LUCIANA

If you’re going to threaten someone threaten me.

DARROGH

Why would I take the time and energy to do that? You’re nothing.

LUCIANA

So why are you tan asustado?

Darrogh looks as if he is going to hit her. She throws her head up and holds her place. Amahla comes round to Darrogh and takes his arm.

AMAHLA

Darrogh. Please.

He shakes her off, holds a moment, then takes Amahla by her arm and steps back from Luciana holding Amahla almost as a trophy, before hissing at her.

DARROGH

She’s mine.

Luciana begins to speak, but catches Amahla’s pleading eyes.

LUCIANA

If you mean that you’re married and she is – your wife, then yes.

DARROGH

So, you will get out of my house. Now! Leave! You’re not wanted here.

LUCIANA

I’m going. And not because you say so. Amahla and I had already agreed to that before you came in.

DARROGH

I saw what you were doing together.

LUCIANA

Say it!

AMAHLA

It’s alright.. I mean it was a mistake, it’s nothing. Luciana leave it.

Darrogh smirks triumphantly at Luciana holding Amahla firmly by the elbow as he moves to one side, opening the way to the door.

DARROGH

You heard her. Leave!

Luciana hesitates, looks at Amahla who drops her eyes.

LUCIANA

Amahla! I will go, as we agreed. Know that I am always there for you – and Nia.

DARROGH

You will stay away from my family, do you hear?

Luciana allows a small, dangerous smile to creep over her face. She steps in very close to Darrogh. Her voice is calm, low but powerful.

LUCIANA

Todo lo perderás por la mano de quien quiso amarte.

Darrogh pulls his head back from her but is unable to move.

LUCIANA

And in English – so that there is no mistaking me: You will lose everything by the hand of one who wanted to love you.

Luciana moves past Darrogh, secretly touching Amahla’s hand as she goes. As she leaves through the door, a little wind picks up and a window shutter slams shut.

Amahla jumps, and gasps. Darrogh swings around to look at the shutter.

DARROGH

What the hell was that doing open? Come Amahla, this is over. We’ll never speak of it. I will give you the chance to be the wife and mother you’re meant to be – if you can. If not? Then you will have nothing.

He takes her elbow again and sweeps out with her.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Final Scene

the 3rd scene in the film

we met Luciana as the mayor of the town – all upset about the developer Darogh and a then sc 2. Nia arriving at the camping site with the Acting troupe.

LUCIANA AND NIA FIRST MEETING IN THE BAR

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, a juke box plays the ‘Rock Around The Clock’, a young barman is busy filling orders, a thin, wiry barmaid takes an unusual number food orders. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way, with the theatre folk and locals mingling and getting to know each other, adding an extra buzz and energy to the scene.

After their initial meeting in the larger group, Luciana makes her way to Nia determined to have a quiet conversation with her.

She manages to push her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, pulling Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.

Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.

LUCIANA

Not the best but not bad either.

NIA

As long as it’s cold, I’m happy.

LUCIANA

Salud!

NIA

Salud!

Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.

LUCIANA

Is this your first time here, Nia?

NIA

Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?

LUCIANA

Most of my life, si. Where are you from?

NIA

East coast.

LUCIANA

You are very beautiful.

NIA

Oh, um. Thank you. You too.

LUCIANA

It is not always a good thing, is it?

NIA

It can be – challenging.

Luciana tosses her had back and laughs

LUCIANA

I hate it!

Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.

NIA

Me too!

Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.

LUCIANA

He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?

NIA

Can I pat him?

Luciana nods.

NIA

No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.

LUCIANA

Cuando eras una niña?

NIA

My Spanish..

LUCIANA

When you were little. A child.

Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.

NIA

Do you have children?

LUCIANA

Do I look like I do?

NIA

What does a Mother look like?

LUCIANA

Ah!Tu tambien eres lista. Oh English – You are clever too. Not just beautiful.

Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to keep rubbing his head.

LUCIANA

I think you are stealing my dog.

Nia just smiles. This dog makes her feel good.

LUCIANA

Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?

NIA

I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.

LUCIANA

Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.

Nia is jolted.

NIA

They sometimes have hair…

LUCIANA

Yes.

Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.

NIA

There was a dog… My mother.

LUCIANA

He was a gift to her?

Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.

NIA

Tell me about this town. How has it changed for you?

Luciana takes the hint.

LUCIANA

It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.

NIA

Who?

LUCIANA

A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.

Hades licks Luciana’s hand.

NIA

He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.

LUCIANA

He is my guide to the underworld.I can go into the darkness and come out safely. You too.

Nia smiles ruefully.

NIA

Maybe I will need to borrow him one day.

LUCIANA

Or I can give you one of your own.

Nia looks at her sharply.

LUCIANA

I breed them.

Nia is looking pensive.

LUCIANA

Come, we need a margarita.

NIA

I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?

Luciana now knows for sure who she is – her friend’s daughter.

LUCIANA

It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.

Nia laughs and relaxes.

NIA

I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.

Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.

LUCIANA

Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I will tell you. For now – let’s find that margarita.

Nia suddenly hugs her.

NIA

I like you! I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go push my way to the bar. See you there.

She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.

LUCIANA

La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S MEANINGS

What I learned doing this assignment is that is helps delineate the different POVs and needs of each character and bring it to a head.

SITUATION

Shaunn has asked his domineering Mother not to come to see his last show

then Min turns up unexpectedly at one of their meetings.

CHARACTERS REACTIONS TO MIN

• Shaunn – trying to separate himself from her

wants a life without her involved in it

• Nia – wants them to have a good relationship as she doesn’t even have a Mother

believes he’ll be heartbroken if he doesn’t have a good relationship with his Mom

• Luciana – sees in Min a peer and businesswoman who can help with the problem of getting the land, wants her to stay until the problem is solved

INT. CAMPSITE – DAY

Shaun texting Min.

SHAUNN

(text)

Mom, I really don’t think it’s a good idea to come. We only have a week and then I’ll be back. There is quite a lot happening here besides the show and so I wouldn’t be able to spend much time with you anyway. I’ll fill you in when I get home. Hugs.

EXT. CAMPSITE – AFTERNOON. 3 DAYS LATER

At the fire-pit sit Shaunn, Luciana and Nia, deep in discussion about the problem with Darrogh and trying to con him for the land.

LUCIANA

This is harder than I thought. He’s not going to buy it.

SHAUNN

He almost is…

NIA

It won’t be fast enough.

LUCIANA

He knows you guys don’t know what you’re doing – I mean that you are new at the game.

SHAUNN

We sorta said we had senior partner.

LUCIANA

He needs to meet that person to really make the deal.

NIA

Like your Mom, Shaunn.

SHAUNN

I already asked for help and she sent us that proposal to use. We don’t need her here!

A red Lexus SUV pulls up to the campsite.

A small, neat Chinese woman, 50s, emerges. She is very well dressed (but sensible for the environment) – in blue jeans, Nikes, blue silk blouse and black soft wool cardigan, open.

MIN Looks around the camp. Spots a group of people at the fire-pit and walks confidently over to them.

LUCIANA

Well, I’m betting that’s her!

Min arrives and smiles.

MIN

Shaunn! I had some time off and so decided to come.

SHAUNN

I -. You got my text?

MIN

Oh yes, but that was a few days ago. Things change. Introduce me to your friends.

SHAUNN

Yes, of course, Nia you know.

NIA

Oh, yes Mrs Chen. I am so happy to see you here. You’ll be so proud of the work Shaunn is doing in the play. He’s the best Duke Orsenio ever.

MIN

Thank you Nia. I am sure I will.

SHAUNN

And this is Luciana. She is the town mayor here.

Luciana leaps up and embraces Min.

LUCIANA

Bienvenida! We are so glad you have come! We need your help. That Little problem? It has not gone away.

MIN

Anything I can do to help. I am here. I have all week.

She puts her arm around Shaunn.

MIN

It is not often I have so much time to spend with my son.

Shaunn winces and moves away on pretext of getting her a chair from elsewhere.

SHAUNN

(as he leaves)

I’ll get you a chair.

Nia offers her chair, moving to Shaunn’s. Luciana pulls her chair close to Min and offers her coffee. Min sits comfortably.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES DIRECTIONAL FOS PATTERNS.

What I learned doing this assignment is that allowing characters time to dance around the issue creates tension, interest and (again) evolves the characters and storyline.

This scene happens after Darrogh (who is scared of Nia’s friendship with Luciana) has told Nia that Luciana forced a lesbian relationship on her mother, leading directly to her suicide.

INT. LUCIANA’S KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON

Nia storms in and stands at the sink facing Luciana as she comes in the door.

LUCIANA

Nia! What is -.

NIA

I have to know what happened. I have to know who you are really.

LUCIANA

What happened..? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

NIA

My father told me – about you.

Luciana gets a fear in her stomach. This can’t be good. She watches Nia carefully as If she were a tiny but perfectly working handgun about to go off.

LUCIANA

Nia. Sit, please. We can talk – the two of us, Back and forward. You will feel better about whatever it is, I am sure.

Luciana enters the room slowly, indicating Nia to sit as she does.

LUCIANA

Please, I am not a snake ready to strike.

Nia doesn’t move.

NIA

No? Perhaps more dangerous even.

Luciana reaches a chair and sits herself.

LUCIANA

Seated? While you stand? I think not. Come. You are here with fire in your eyes. It will protect you.

Nia hesitates. Then chooses the chair opposite Luciana and sits.

There is a pause.

NIA

Tell me about my Mother.

Luciana is a little taken back. This wasn’t what she expected.

LUCIANA

I have.

NIA

Not all of it.

LUCIANA

All? All can be too much.

NIA

Tell me. Or I will make it up for myself.

LUCIANA

No. You have already been given a story. Although I suspect the storyteller was not working with the truth.

NIA

So you tell it then. I’m not afraid of you.

She takes out a small bag, and puts it on the table between them.

NIA

These are – treasures from my Mother. They protect me.

Luciana stares at the bag.

LUCIANA

May I see -?

Nia sits across her

NIA

NO! I won’t let you tarnish them.

LUCIANA

Tarnish? No! I wouldn’t.

NIA

Like you didn’t tarnish her?

LUCIANA

Nia! Careful what you say.

NIA

He told me what you did to her.

Luciana gets very still, her breath comes fast.

LUCIANA

Is it a secret? Or will you tell me?

NIA

You seduced her! Used your magic to ruin her life. And you’ve been trying it on me. Well, it isn’t going to happen.

Nia grabs the bag and shakes the objects onto the table. 3 small polished stones – tigers eye, amethyst, obsidian – 2 of Nia’s baby teeth, a silver angel charm and a tiny cloth doll.

NIA

If you truly loved her, with these on the table, you have to tell the truth.

LUCIANA

Ah! The truth! A double-edged knife.

NIA

Cut to the quick.

LUCIANA

Derecha al corazon.

Nia stares at her, raises her hands ‘I don’t speak Spanish’

LUCIANA

‘Right to the heart’.

NIA

I’m ready.

Luciana points to the little cloth doll.

LUCIANA

I gave her that, when we were at college. I didn’t know she kept it.

Nia is taken aback.

LUCIANA

Yes, I loved her. No, I didn’t seduce her. She always knew who she was and who she loved. It wasn’t me. I was her best friend, one she could trust and she could trust me because I respected her choices and never ever took advantage.

NIA

But -.

LUCIANA

You asked, now you listen. Everyone wanted Amahla – men, women everyone. She was always on a tightrope. I loved her and didn’t need to own her – just be her best friend. That was enough.

Nia is confused.

LUCIANA

She loved only one person. Your Father.

NIA

But Dad said – he said…

LUCIANA

That I was a witch? That I took her away? Made her dirty?

She picks up the little doll.

LUCIANA

It is like the one I gave you, no? But much smaller.

Nia starts. It is. She hadn’t seen that before.

LUCIANA

I didn’t put a spell on her or you. I gave you each a gift. Maybe they protect, maybe they don’t. It is in how you see them.

Nia is staring at the doll in Luciana’s hands.

NIA

I saw that – before. That night…

LUCIANA

What did you see?

FLASHBACK – NIA AT 6 THE NIGHT HER FATHER ‘CAUGHT’ LUCIANA AND AMAHLA (The scene is Luciana telling Amahla she is leaving so A and Darrogh can work on their relationship hugging goodbye when D comes into the room and explodes. Nia is unseen by all, on the landing watching it all.)

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES DIALOGUE COVER UPS

What I learned doing this assignment is that each choice reveals another aspect of character and could change the direction of the scene.

I have written the scene (very short) and then written each of the 12 possible replies to the last question. Nia asks – “Were you spying on me?”

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING

Bill is standing in the shadows across the road from Luciana’s house as Nia exits.

She walks on down the street and around the corner. He waits a moment, then steps out into the street light.

Nia has doubled back on the other side of the road and now approaches him unexpectedly from behind.

NIA

Bill!

BILL

Nia! I – what are you doing out so late?

NIA

Visiting a friend. You?

BILL

Enjoying the last of the warm evenings.

NIA

Is that something you do often?

BILL DOESN’T REPLY. He takes out a large handkerchief and blows his nose.

NIA

Were you spying in me?

– ACTION INCONGRUENT WITH WORDS.

BILL

(as he polishes his glasses)

I am very short sighted – can’t see further than my nose.

– CHANGE SUBJECT.

BILL

It’s a full moon – one of my favorite times.

– ATTACK BACK.

BILL

Were you seeing someone you shouldn’t be?

– COMPLEMENT THEM.

BILL

You’re a very smart woman, Nia. Your father should be careful.

– THREATEN THEM

BILL

You want to make something of it? What would your Father do to Luciana if he knew you have been here??

– CONFIRM SOMETHING THEY ALREADY BELIEVE WHETHER IT’S TRUE OR NOT.

BILL

Looks like it, doesn’t it?

– MISDIRECTION: DO OR SAY SOMETHING THAT SENDS THEIR MIND IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION

BILL

I’m working for your father – it’s his concern.

– INAPPROPRIATE REACTION TO AN EMOTIONAL EVENT.

BILL

Hey baby, you’re pretty hot when you’re like this.

– DISTRACTION.

BILL

Spying is a strong term… perhaps there’s a different way to look at this? Surveillance? Looking out for your welfare?

– MAKE A JOKE OF IT.

BILL

Nia! Do I look like the Special Branch to you – in this bow tie?

– CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

BILL

I’m really gonna miss this weather in a few months.

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT:

———-

KATES SYMBOL

What I learned doing this assignment is the symbol helped me to further hone the relationship between 2 characters, and gave Nia a great arc to and Kapow moment at the end. (NOTE: as well as seeing the dog in the scenes below he does appear a few her times.)

1. INTRODUCE THE SYMBOL through its meaning early in the story.

Luciana arrives at the town meeting with her Xolo (Mexican hairless) dog Hades – he is unusual, bold, fearless, and her companion. Most people are afraid of him.

2. SET ITS MEANING POWERFULLY enough so that just its presence will cause an audience response.

Luciana introduces her Hades to Nia at their first meeting – he immediately goes to her, something Luciana comments on. She tells her that these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans, both of whom believed that Xolotl had created them and granted them mystical powers to ward off evil spirits. In addition, it was believed the Xoloitzcuintli could serve as a guide to the underworld.

Nis remembers that her mother had such a dog.

3. USE THE SYMBOL TO CAUSE OR SHOW CHANGE in the characters or their situation.

Nia asks Luciana if she can borrow Hades to be on stage with her when she performs the final scene of the ‘play’ on the stage to let her father know she knows how Amahla (her Mother) died and why. Luciana tells her that she had given such a dog to Amahla. Darrogh has to accept that the game is over and Nia has won.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S SUBTEXT SCENE.

What I learned from this assignment is that I tend to write like that and this scene I wrote for a different lesson with a little juggling fit this bill too! I am eager to try it more and use it more consciously for new scenes as they are written.

BACKGROUND

The locals, with Nia and the acting troupe have set up and executed a huge sting/con operation to get the land from Darrogh that he was going to use for a giant landfill. This is right at the end of film when it is revealed to him what has happened during a specially written and presented ‘play’ performance.

1. What is the meaning of the subtext?

Darrogh has completely mis-calculated the local people and his daughter.

2. What is the cover-up?

A special play is out on, Darrogh arrives thinking this event is to honor him and the landfill and that Nia will now be bound to him for good.

3. When will the meaning be revealed? Before, during, or after?

It is revealed to Darrogh 2/3s through the scene

4. How will the meaning be revealed?

the ‘play’ they do lays bare the sting to Darrogh – and Nia has a lead role in it

(NOTE: There is a final little scene when Nia further reveals directly to Darrogh that she knows what he did to her mother.)

DRAMATIC IRONY

THE SCENE

EXT.THE FIELD ELSEWHERE.

Darrogh is getting out of his Mercedes, parked way too close to the stage in spite of the designated parking signs. He is greeted by some of the local people (also in on the entire con and play.)

IAN

Mr. Magrath. Glad you could come.

DARROGH

It is my party, right? Wouldn’t miss it for anything. I hear there’s even a special play for me!

IAN

Indeed! Very special.

DARROGH

I bet my daughter had something to do with it, not that she’s saying. Quiet little thing but she loves her Father.

MRS SHIEL

And we love Nia. She’s a joy. You must be very proud of her.

DARROGH

We’re very close. She’s a bit soft never be a businesswoman. No real killer instinct. But that’s alright, I have enough for both of us and now I have this land? And will have the largest working landfill In The World? Well, she’ll be sticking close to her Daddy!

IAN

Daughters!

DARROGH

You got a daughter?

IAN

Oh yes – 3. The eldest helped put together that land deal. I hear you’re quite the businessman

DARROGH

I drive a hard bargain, and I always get my way.

MRS SHIEL

I’m sure you do Mr Macgrath.

DARROGH

Call me Darrogh. Now let’s go get this party started, eh?

Darrogh moves off as Ian, Mrs. Sheil and a few others follow.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Have not written this middle piece of this giant act of irony. The performance part of the party is shown with snippets of speeches, music and then the special play is announced.

Suffice to say, Sarah sings ‘Cabaret’ followed by a scene adapted from The Sting mixed with King Lear. During it the location, the land use and even some of the characters (including the Latina Mayor Lucianna) are acted out right to the final ‘meeting’ with Darrogh/Lear and the sting itself.

Darrogh is increasingly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and looking around.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

EXT. STAGE UNDER LIGHTS – LATER EVENING

At the very end of the ‘play’ the cast standing on stage addressing Darrogh directly. Sarah sings ‘He Had It Coming’ from ‘Chicago’, with some new words.

Darrogh leaps out of his seat.

DARROGH

What does this mean? Are saying that was me? I don’t get taken. I’m a highly successful businessman. I always win!

IAN

Wait a moment Sir, there’s one more scene.

The document he signed is brought on to the stage by Min and she hands it to the Mayor, Lucianna.

MIN

Madam Mayor, the deeds to the land holdings here. All of them. The small farms, the big ranches – and your family land – this very hillside we are on now – all returned to the community.

DARROGH

No! That can’t be! I invested in a landfill! That’s where I put my money. Not a bunch of decrepit farms.

MIN

In your hurry to make the biggest deal you could, before someone else did, you signed this. It’s all legal. You don’t have any say in what actually happens here. And there are no guaranteed profit margins. You simply assumed that I, being Chinese, would want to make as much money as – well, you do.

DARROGH

I invested everything I have into this. You told me..

MIN

I didn’t say anything. You made up the story you wanted to hear.

LUCIANNA

You could not believe that a small nowhere town with a Latina female Mayor knew anything about money, so you didn’t take the time to check us out.

Darrogh sits down stunned.

DARROGH

How could this happen?

SHAUNN

Thy ambition,

Thou scarlet sin, robb’d this

bewailing land.

MICHAEL

Henry V111 – Shakespeare. And now one more scene from Mr. Shakespeare’s cannon.

He steps aside and Nia takes the stage. She is the image of Mother, dressed in a long gown that was hers and for a moment Darrogh sees only Amahla on the stage.

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT:

KATES SUBTEXT CHARACTERS

What I learned doing this is that all except one of my characters don’t seem to have major mean, evil agenda’s and so their subtext is usually in the service of achieving their (good) ends and/or arise out ignorance or lack of courage until something is revealed.

1) Character Name: DARROGH

Subtext Identity: The Revenger

Character Traits:

•Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth

• Covert Traits: Suspicious, Lonely

Subtext Logline: Darrogh is vengeful, suspicious billionaire who seeks to punish one woman by turning an entire community into a landfill while also trying to keep his recently re-discovered estranged daughter’s love.

Possible areas of subtext:

* offering to help people out of poverty buying their land, secretly planning a landfill

* kind,welcoming to Nia but forbids her friendships

* talks warmly of her Mother, but then tears her down when angry with Nia

2) Character Name: NIA

Subtext Identity: The Innocent

Character Traits:

• Traits: Kind, Hopeful, a little Manic, Principled

• Covert Traits: In denial, Self-Censoring

Subtext Logline: Nia is a hopeful, slightly manic, naive young woman in denial about the truth of her father who has to choose whether to support him or the local community whose values she shares, in an all or nothing big sting.

Possible areas of subtext:

• Drawn to Luciana and then suspicious and afraid of her.

• desperate to love and know her father while resisting who he is proving to be

• maintaining a hopeful relationship with him while working with the locals against him

3) Character Name: Luciana

Subtext Identity: The Equalizer

Character Traits:

• Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing

• Covert Traits: Scheming, Concealing

Subtext Logline: Luciana is determined, scheming woman who concocts a great ‘Sting’ to exact justice equalizing an old score that has become a current local ‘war’ for life, land and justice.

Possible areas of subtext:

• befriends Nia while hiding her relationships to her Mother and to Darrogh

• saving the community from D while primarily just wanting the family farm back and to humiliate him publicly

4) Character Name: SHAUNN

Subtext Identity: The Boyfriend

Character Traits:

• Traits: Kind, Romantic, Shy, Uncertain, Dutiful

• Covert Traits: Evasive, Resentful

Subtext Logline: Shaunn is dutiful but resentful young man whose relationship with his Tiger Mother threatens to undermine his courage to tell Nia that he loves her.

Possible areas of subtext:

• Passive aggressive to his Mother

• brotherly to Nia while trying to build a romantic relationship

• trying to be bold and strong while he is really quite a rule-follower

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Subtext relationship

(I didn’t write an entire scene just series of incidents/possible scenes a la the eg.)

What I learned doing this assignment is it is challenging for me to keep throwing up obstacles to create the subtext although when I do it deepens the complexities and relationships themselves.

4 Characters in a relationship.

NIA is a hopeful, slightly manic, naive young woman in denial about the truth of her father who has to choose whether to support him or the local community whose values she shares, in an all or nothing big sting.

SHAUNN is dutiful but resentful young man whose relationship with his Tiger Mother threatens to undermine his courage to tell Nia that he loves her.

MIN is a fierce, needy, highly successful businesswoman woman whose son (Shaunn) is her only reason for living and she is terrified of losing.

LUCIANA is a determined, scheming woman who concocts a great ‘Sting’ to exact justice equalizing an old score that has become a current local ‘war’ for life, land and justice.

A series of situations (and over several scenes) increase their need to hide their true feelings/intentions/actions, etc.

• Min arrives to help with the sting only so that Shaunn can just come home

• Shaunn has decided that he will not be leaving the troupe but he needs to keep her on side.

• Shaunn wants to use this sting/con to prove to Nia he is strong and capable.

• Luciana and Min form an instant bond – 2 strong women with a love of a challenge

• Nia sees this, doesn’t understand it, and doesn’t fully trust either of them – what is their relationship? (In view of hearing that Luciana is a lesbian wo contributed to her Mother’s death as told by Darrogh)

• Min asks Luciana to help her get her son out of here and home – she says he is ‘not well’.

• But Luciana sees that Shaunn is in love with Nia who is unaware and, a romantic at heart, she wants to help with that.

• Min is suspicious that there is another reason Shaunn won’t come home and in a round-about manner tries to find out what Luciana thinks

• Luciana hedges – she doesn’t want this sting/con derailed by outside issues

• Shaunn is trying to find out how Nia feels about him as the pressure to leave from his mother mounts but is nervous/shy and doesn’t want to embarrass himself

• Privately Nia is feeling doubtful about the whole sting idea – her Dad’s been really nice lately and maybe he is changing?

• Luciana sees the little group beginning to split and has to get them all refocused again on the goal and reason (the con-landfill) – without revealing her personal relationship to Darrogh.

• Min suddenly sees that Nia might be the reason Shaunn wants to stay, but how to find out for sure?

• Nia is feeling besieged by Min and railroaded by Luciana but has no idea how to address that when confronted by their great confidence and strength so she gets mad with them both without saying why.

• And then she attacks Shaunn for not sticking up for her much to his confusion.

• Shaunn decides to confront his Mother once and for all by calling a meeting.

• Luciana and Min pull together – they need to control these young people, each for their own reasons – but know they have to begin by respecting their ‘feelings’ (whatever they are.) so they prepare to negotiate in the ‘meeting’.

• Nia and Shaunn realize they are stronger together and so under the banner of ‘friends’ (Nia’s comfort zone) and working to respect their elders’ ‘feelings’ (whatever they are) they prepare to negotiate next steps.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Page Turner

What I learned doing this assignment is it adds unexpected and better turns, people have many choices and each choice made means a slightly different outcome

This very much a large, 2 vey different groups meeting.

scene 3 in the script

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(These are the core members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)

Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)

A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.

NIA

I love these kinds of places.

SARAH

It’s like a setting for social drama. You got the young locals at the bar.

NIA

And the old couple over there.

MICHAEL

And we’re the out-of-towners come to cause trouble!

SHAUNN

And we’ll never ever leave!

AT THE BAR

IAN

Where are they staying?

DAVE

Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.

IAN

Sure was a shame her Grandpa lost that.

DAVE

He was cheated out of it.

IAN

Hard to prove with that slime-y piece of work.

LUIS

I’d love to get it back.

IAN

Who wouldn’t?

DAVE

Then invite Darrogh to a party there and give him what for!

LUIS

Take a miracle.

SUSAN

Here’s to Miracles. They come in mysterious ways!

AT THE OTHER TABLE

SYLVIE

I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.

HAROLD

Is it one of those Shakespeare things?

SYLVIE

Yes, and you‘ll like it.

HAROLD

I never understand them. Still, it’s colorful and makes a change.

FRANCIS

What one are they doing?

SYLVIE

I read it somewhere but can’t remember the name.

HAROLD

Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.

FRANCIS

I think that’s them over there. We can go ask.

SYLVIE

Oh yes. Come on.

She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over.

Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, sighs and follows.

AT THE OTHER TABLE

MERCEDES

Here they come!

As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.

SYLVIE

Welcome! I’m Sylvie. This is Harold my husband, and Francis.

The ‘standers’ all shake hands.

Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity even in her dress.

MERCEDES

I’m Mercedes.

Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.

SARAH

Sarah!

Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand.

NIA

We’re so happy to be here. It’s beautiful. Peaceful and timeless.

SYLVIE

Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.

TIM

Please, take a seat.

Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.

Soon all are seated, curiosity and expectancy envelops them.

FRANCIS

Ready for the play?

SHAUNN

Absolutely! Setting up the stage right there where we’re camped.

HAROLD

Shakespeare right? What play is it?

SARAH

Much Ado – About nothing.

HAROLD

Like our town. That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.

Dave, Ian Susan and Luis arrive.

SUSAN

Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, and Ian and Dave.

Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. And more chairs are pulled up.

DAVE

Where are you doing the play?

MICHAEL

The field – up where we’re camped.

The locals exchange glances.

DAVE

Do you have a permit?

TIM

Permission?

IAN

Yes.

SARAH

We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.

DAVE

Do you have it?

They are interrupted as the bar door flies open and LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair busts in.

She is closely followed by Hades, her black Mexican Hairless dog, big for the breed, and very alert.

She looks around, spots the crowd and heads right for them, Hades at her heels.

FRANCIS

Luciana!!

He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.

Hades sits on it.

Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.

LUCIANA

Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores! I hope you are settled and comfortable?

NIA

Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.

LUCIANA

Tu hablas español?

NIA

Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.

Luciana is looking at her, puzzled, searching.

LUCIANA

That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.

FRANCIS

Then look out!

DAVE

Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?

There is a slight tension over the room.

LUCIANA

Green field?

MERCEDES

The top of the hill.. we were told we could camp there.

NIA

And do the show.

Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.

SYLVIE

I know this is hard, Luciana.

SHAUNN

We sent you the PR and no-one said no.

LUCIANA

Yes. I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.

SYLVIE

All?

LUCIANA

The ones who matter. Now – a round on the town to welcome our guests.

The barman and barmaid are right there! It is rarely this kind of energy fills the room. Orders are given.

People are chatting in smaller groups.

Francis pulls Luciana aside.

FRANCIS

You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.

LUCIANA

I know and that why I said yes.

FRANCIS

Why did they ask you?

Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.

FRANCIS

That fake website?

LUCIANA

No, just some page with the small print que los idiotas no ven.

Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia and engages her in conversation at once.

SYLVIE

What’s she done now?

FRANCIS

A small win in her endless battle for the farm. Small print that idiots don’t read.

SYLVIE

And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.

HAROLD

Not yet anyway.

A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.

BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD

He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Writing Is Bold!

What I learned doing this assignment is that the different details with an attitude or emotion for a particular character can present interesting new obstacles and even change the direction of the scene.

(1) ORIGINAL 1/2 PAGE

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.

Nia rushes in, hurrying, excited, happy, looking around.

Luciana sees her, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose. Waves to her. Nia smiles and comes over.

LUCIANA

Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?

She gestures to the bench next to her. Nia sits.

NIA

Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.

LUCIANA

No, my treat. Anything special?

NIA

No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.

LUCIANA

They have oat milk if that’s what you want!

NIA

Then yes, yes thank you.

LUCIANA

Here, for you. I’ll go order it.

She gives Nia small package. Nia hesitates.

LUCIANA

Open it!

She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved.

Luciana returns and sits close next to her.

LUCIANA

She’s beautiful, no?

NIA

Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you.

LUCIANA

Did you have doll as a child?

NIA

Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.

LUCIANA

But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.

NIA

I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.

(2) 1/2 PAGE LONGING FOR LUCIANA

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.

Ambient Soft Jazz plays. The room is peaceful.

Nia rushes in, hurrying, excited, happy, looking around.

Luciana sees her, almost spills her coffee, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose. Waves to her. Nia smiles and comes over.

LUCIANA

Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?

She pats the bench next to her, her face alight with welcome.

Nia sits.

NIA

Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.

LUCIANA

No, my treat. Anything special?

NIA

No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.

LUCIANA

They have oat milk if that’s what you want!

NIA

Then yes, yes thank you.

Luciana opens her bag and carefully takes out a beautifully wrapped package.

LUCIANA

But first, I want to give you this.

She holds out the package. Nia hesitates.

LUCIANA

Please, take it. I’ll get the coffee.

She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved.

Luciana is coming back, and stops for a moment to watch her.

Then comes over and sits close to her.

LUCIANA

She’s beautiful, no?

NIA

Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you. Where did you get her?

LUCIANA

She was mine. From when I was little. Did you have doll as a child?

NIA

Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.

LUCIANA

But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.

NIA

I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.

(3) 1/2 PAGE SUSPICION FOR NIA

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.

Nia enters, hesitates at the door, looking around.

Luciana sees her, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose, waves to her. Nia nods recognition and comes over.

LUCIANA

Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?

She gestures to the bench next to her. Nia sits at the other end of the bench.

NIA

Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.

LUCIANA

No, my treat. Anything special?

NIA

No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.

LUCIANA

They have oat milk if that’s what you want!

NIA

Then yes, thank you.

LUCIANA

Here, for you. I’ll go order it.

She gives Nia small package. Nia hesitates.

NIA

Oh, I can’t accept that.

LUCIANA

Yes you can. It’s just a gift. Open it!

She leaves. Nia turns it over in her hands, sighs and finally opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is uncomfortable. She puts it on the table. Luciana returns, puts down the coffees and sits close next to her.

LUCIANA

She’s beautiful, no?

NIA

Yes. It’s.. Thank you.

She picks up her coffee and busies herself in that.

LUCIANA

Did you have doll as a child?

Nia is trapped at the end of the bench.

NIA

My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.

LUCIANA

But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.

NIA

I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Extreme Emotion

What I learned doing this assignment is that a conscious choice in description really sharpens the pace and tone of the story.

DARROGH

Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Possible areas of subtext: takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship

NIA

Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM

Darrogh sits in the largest armchair facing the door, reading the paper, or pretending to, a whiskey on the rocks in a glass by his side.

The hall clock begins to chime 8pm.

The front door opens.

Darrogh carefully folds his paper, picks up his glass, and waits.

We hear Nia singing an upbeat song to herself before she enters on the final chime.

She stops, surprised to see him.

DARROGH

I trust you had dinner somewhere?

NIA

Hi Dad. Yes, with some friends. I’m sorry I didn’t call, we just got – busy. Rehearsal.

Nia crosses to him, ready to give him a hug but something in his cat-like demeanor stops her and she veers to the sideboard bar.

NIA

Join you in a nightcap?

DARROGH

Yes, I’d like that. Rehearsing what? I thought the play was over.

Nia focuses on pouring the drink – she hasn’t seen him like this before.

NIA

We’re thinking we’ll do one more short play before we go. Sort of a thank you to the town, that kind of thing.

Nia sits in another armchair not too close, her legs curled under her as Darrogh stares at her, trying to read her face.

DARROGH

‘We’ go?

NIA

I still think of the troupe as ‘we’.. but really, I just mean everyone will go home, like we do – after the tour.

Nia takes a nervous drink, a knot of anxiety tightening in her stomach.

DARROGH

Who is at these rehearsals?

NIA

The troupe – you know, the Tribe.

DARROGH

I don’t know. I haven’t met them. I’ve seen some of you on stage, under costumes and make-up, but we don’t ‘hang out’. I wouldn’t know any of them if they came to my door!

NIA

Maybe we could have a party here? Before they all go.

DARROGH

Maybe. Who would you want to invite?

NIA

Well, the troupe of course and some of the local… Who would you invite Dad?

DARROGH

I know who I wouldn’t invite.

NIA

Oh?

Darrogh finishes his drink, buying time as he works out how to say what he wants to say.

DARROGH

Nia, it has been brought to my attention that you’ve been seeing quite a lot of – some of the local people.

NIA

Yes, I like them.

DARROGH

Yes, most are fine people. BUT – and this is very important – not all.

Nia shifts in the seat and takes a slug on her drink.

NIA

Who do you mean?

DARROGH

Lucianna Sanchez.

NIA

Why? She’s been very kind to me.

Darrogh’s left hand clenches slightly even as the one holding his glass stays steady.

DARROGH

There is some history there you don’t know about.

NIA

Then tell me.

Her challenge rings in the air and after a brief moment, he accepts it.

DARROGH

Luciana is the reason your Mother died.

NIA

No, that’s not true. My Mother committed suicide.

DARROGH

And why do you think that was?

NIA

I… I . Tell me. I want to hear it from you.

Darrogh stands and paces, unable to face the accusation in her voice.

DARROGH

Lucianna – an old friend of your Mothers’ – came to our home to visit. She stayed way too long. She was an evil influence on your Mother who was innocent, naive and easily led.

NIA

What do you mean?

DARROGH

(his voice breaking)

Luciana seduced your Mother. Made her do vile things. So bad that I had to ask her to leave, to save your Mother but it was too late.

The world is beginning to crash around Nia as she struggles to put what Lucianna had told her with what her Father is saying.

DARROGH

She took her own life 6 months later. The shame was too much for her.

NIA

It’s not bad to be… I mean if she…

Darrogh sees her struggle and decides to go in for the kill.

DARROGH

Your mother was naive. She didn’t know what she wanted. Tell me. When you’re with Luciana does she sit close? Does she touch you? Give you gifts?

NIA

Yes, but just .. How do you know this?

DARROGH

I have one good and faithful friend in this town and he looks out for me. I asked him to keep an eye on you – make sure you’re safe. You weren’t.

Nia stares at him silently pleading it is not true.

DARROGH

She is a Brujas Negras – she has spells and will overpower anyone. Stay away from her.

Nia finally stands and carefully puts her half-finished drink down.

NIA

I have to go to bed .. There’s too much..

Darrogh instantly softens his stance and meets her eyes gently.

DARROGH

It’s a shock I know. But you understand now, right?

NIA

Yes I know why you..

She begins out of the room then turns back.

NIA

Is it Bill? Your friend who’s looking out for me?

DARROGH

Yes.

Nia leaves quietly. Darrogh sits, drains his drink and puts his head in his hands.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Visuals

I learned doing this was that writing vivid descriptions makes the people more vivid for me and their characters, relationships clearer.

1)

FROM THIS:

EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING

The campsite is quiet. Most people asleep, 2 are having coffee by the fire. It is cool but clear, the sun touching the tops of the trees, and throwing pools light on the meadow. Birds twitter and a deer wanders by.

The sound of heavy equipment rumbling up the little dirt track breaks in over the scene.

Two huge flatbeds carrying a bulldozer and backhoe appear over the crest of the hill, and stop facing the camp-site.

People emerge from their tents, the coffee drinkers jump up and walk quickly over to the drivers who are climbing out of their cabs, surprised to see the camp-site.

The largest of the two is Mac, about 40, tall, barrel-chested, dressed in short shorts and boots, with a bright red windbreaker. The other(Sam) is a small, wiry guy, about 70, dressed as if for the Arctic. It is a chilly morning.

They stand side by surveying the scene.

Michael (27)and Sarah (23), in flannel pjs with woolly sweaters over them, carrying their coffee in brightly colored travel mugs, approach them.

TO THIS

EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING
A bucolic campsite on a cool, clear morning. The sun touches the tops of the trees and throws pools light on the meadow. A mourning dove calls, a deer wanders by.

Several small tents decorated with miscellaneous clothing are hunched silently on the grass. Two barely awake early-birds are nursing coffee by the fire.

The rumble of heavy equipment breaks in over the scene.

Two huge flatbeds carrying a bulldozer and backhoe crawl over the crest of the hill, and grind to a halt facing the camp-site like giant gladiators.

Crumpled people pop out from their tents, the coffee drinkers jump up and stride quickly over to the drivers who are climbing out of their cabs, startled to see the camp-site.

The largest is Mac,40, tall, barrel-chested, in short shorts and work boots, with a bright red windbreaker. The other(Sam) is small, wiry – about 70, dressed as if for the Arctic.

They stand side by side, baffled by the highly unusual scene.

Michael (27)and Sarah (23), in flannel pjs with woolly sweaters over them, clutching brightly colored travel coffee mugs, approach them cautiously, like explorers meeting the natives for the first time.

2) FROM THIS

INT.POOL HALL – DAY

A classic run-down dark daytime pool hall. No smoking but plenty of beer. An old-style jukebox is playing Cindy Lauper.

Nia and Shaunn are just beginning a game of pool at one of the 3 tables.

The bartender, WINONA, an older woman with a lot of tattoos is washing glasses and reading a book – ‘The Feminine Mystique’.

INT.POOL HALL – DAY

A classic, run-down, dark daytime pool-hall. No smoking but plenty of beer. An old-style jukebox is playing Cindy Lauper singing ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’.

Nia and Shaunn are just beginning a game of pool at one of the 3 battered pool tables.

The bartender, WINONA, an older woman whose age is charted by thousands of tattoos, is automatically washing glasses, while simultaneously reading a book – ‘The Feminine Mystique’.

3)

FROM THIS

Darrogh is tending some plants, when Lucianna unexpectedly appears at the door of the greenhouse. They haven seen each other for over 15 years, since Darrogh ‘caught’ Lucianna and Amahla together and 6 months later she committed suicide. She watches him for a while as he is absorbed in his task.

TO THIS

INT. GREEN HOUSE – DARROGH’S ESTATE

Darrogh is tending a row of small plants, his body curved almost tenderly over the table, his back to the entrance.

Lucianna, a flame of a woman, steps silently into the door of the greenhouse. Like a serpent in a garden she watches him – unseen, barely breathing.

LUCIANNA

So it is you.

Darrogh freezes. Time stops. He un-curves his body slowly, into a flagpole. He rotates toward her as if on an invisible turntable.

They stand off across the expanse of plants, two aging fighters finally in the ring.

DARROGH

I wondered how long it’d take you to figure it out.

[Kate Hawkes]

ASSIGNMENT

Kate’s Hope/Fear in Action

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s a nice ‘game ‘ to play when weaving together the story – giving it layers and creating dialogue that I would never have thought of otherwise.

Darrogh – Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship

Fake Businessmen (the Sting) actually actors helping out the Community.

Situation – fake businessmen want to ‘do a deal’ on the land with Darrogh to save it

Goal – get him to sign the Agreement

Threat – Darrogh wants more to sign

A) ‘Businessmen’/the con at his house with a proposal he has agreed to consider

B) Darrogh announces he wants more land than what he already has or no deal. and he has a deadline

C) Businessmen/con assure him they’ll be back with what he wants in time.

HOPE) A. Darrogh greets them warmly, has talked with his accountant

FEAR) B D expresses concern about their age and wonders why they would support landfills given their generation

HOPE) C They convince him they are more pragmatic than most in their generation.

FEAR D. He then says but he doesn’t need a company to manage it esp. as partners. He can hire a company.

HOPE) C. They convince him that it is in his best interest to have a company experienced in this area and with skin in the game

FEAR) D. Darrogh then says he won’t sign until he has at all the acres he needs – dirt cheap – or it won’t be the biggest landfill.

HOPE) E. Businessmen assure him that’s fine. They can get that

FEAR) F. Darrogh says it must be within the week because he’s starting in the Green Field regardless next week – and he ends the meeting.

BACKGROUND

Michael(as Thomas) and Shaunn (as Steve) arrive for their first face to face meeting with Darrogh. The proposal (drawn up by Min)has been sent to Darrogh and a phone call made. Darrogh has agreed to meet with them.

INT DARROGH’S OFFICE AT HIS HOUSE. MORNING

Michael(as Thomas) and Shaunn (as Steve) are at their first face to face meeting with Darrogh. They have just been ushered into the office.

DARROGH

Sit, sit. Coffee?

MICHAEL

No, thank you.

SHAUNN

Not for me either.

DARROGH

Eager to get to business, eh?

MICHAEL

We don’t want to take up too much of your time, Sir.

DARROGH

I appreciate that. Ok! To work. I have had a good look at the proposal, gone over it with my business accountant -(I am my own Manager but I use an accountant to bounce things off.) There are some good possibilities here. It’s interesting.

SHAUNN

Thank you. We think so.

DARROGH

I looked up your company. There isn’t much.

MICHAEL

We’re pretty new but we know what we are doing – and have other investors.

DARROGH

I saw that. I am surprised people so – young – care about the Landfill business.

MICHAEL

I believe that the problem of waste won’t go away. There will always be need for landfills. So, make them look – well, pleasing to the eye.

SHAUNN

And then people won’t notice them or make a fuss. Thats why the park-style ‘dressing’. To camouflage it from the average eye.

MICHAEL

Someone will do it, why not us? We’re not as naive as many of our age group are.

DARROGH

I can see that. Very Smart. It’s A brilliant idea.

MICHAEL

Thank you.

DARROGH

But I don’t see why I need a partnership with you. Why not hire you to design it and then get someone to run it? Can’t be that hard.

SHAUNN

Our company only does it all. We design and manage. And we only work as share-holders. It is a tricky business keeping the do-good, greenie, politically-correct public at bay with one of these things.

MICHAEL

Particularly those who are, well, our age.

SHAUNN

We have an advantage – they tend to trust us.. to be doing the ‘right’ things. Not like older more establishment people.

DARROGH

Like me.

MICHAEL

Yes, not to put too fine a point on it.

DARROGH

I see.

MICHAEL

Our – older – use she sees us as the face of the company, able to accomplish things that she, as an older – woman – can’t. She is really the business acumen here.

SHAUNN

We have modern ideas, know how to speak to our generation and she trusts us with that part of it.

DARROGH

Really? That’s –

(he glances at some notes)

Min Chang?

SHAUNN

Yes.

There is a pause.

DARROGH

Alright. That makes sense. I don’t really want to add another string to my bow if you know what I mean.

Happy to make some money without doing anything.

MICHAEL

And we offer that opportunity. We’re young and hungry. We’re happy to do the work.

DARROGH

So how many acres are we talking?

What is the largest landfill in existence?

MICHAEL

I don’t know.

DARROGH

I’ll tell you. The Apex Regional Landfill in Las Vegas! About 2,200 acres of land. It is projected to have a lifetime of 250 years and holds about 50 million tons of waste.

The boys are a little stunned.

DARROGH

Impressive right? Well, I want mine to be bigger than that! I want the largest land fill in the world, and if I have to buy up this whole county? I will.

MICHAEL

That’s a lot of land, Mr McGrath.

DARROGH

Your job is to get the local farmers to sell. Cheap! I can buy it – that’ll be my part of the investment. Then you run it, I make it all back. I’ve got time.

SHAUNN

That’s very generous of you.I’m sure we can make that happen. I already know what 2? 3? locals who’d sell to you in a heart-beat!

MICHAEL

When we have everyone we need for say 2,500 acres? We can design a really spectacular landfill-park, get some contracts for the – product – to be delivered and then .

Darrogh interrupts vehemently

DARROGH

No. I’m going to start this as soon as those damned actors are out of field. I have the best piece of land right there and Im going start moving dirt around. I’m not waiting for months of planning and shit!

MICHAEL

With respect Sir, I think it’s best to know just what and where the parcels of land are in order to make a really amazing design.. Not only the biggest but the most beautiful. One that people will want visit because…

SHAUNN

It’s a work of art! Think of those incredible gardens in Europe! Like, like – the palace of Versailles! Only bigger – people will take bus tours around it.

MICHAEL

For a fee, of course.

Darrogh is torn between the vastness of the idea and his need for revenge now.

DARROGH

One week. Get all the land sewn up and we’ll talk again.

Darrogh stands signaling the meeting is over. Michael and Shaunn stand with him gathering their papers.

MICHAEL

Thank you, Mr. McGrath. We’ll let you know how it goes.

DARROGH

Without the land there’s no deal.

SHAUNN

We’ll get the land.

They all shake hands.

[Kate Hawkes]

———-

Kates Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is thinking how to plant something to pull us into the future, makes the dialogue tighter and focused.

NIA

• Traits: Kind, Hopeful, a little Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

• Subtext: In denial, Self-Censoring

• Character Logline: Nia is a naive young woman who must find her personal courage to face the truth of her father and family.

• Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him

SHAUN

• Traits: Kind, Romantic, Shy, Uncertain, Dutiful

• Subtext: Evasive, Resentful

• Character Logline: Shaun, only son of a Tiger Mother, whose chosen lifestyle in the theatre causes conflict with his Mother, to whom he knows he owes his life, which in turn makes him feel guilty and resentful finds courage to speak his truth..

• Possible areas of subtext: Shaun is passive aggressive with his mother, uncertain and hesitant with Nia, feeling unworthy, and torn between what he want to do and what he thinks is expected of him.

This scene happens early in the story – by about p10

EXT.POOL HALL – DAY

A classic run-down dark daytime pool hall. No smoking but plenty of beer. An old-style jukebox is playing Cindy Lauper.

Nia and Shaunn are just beginning a game of pool at one of the 3 tables.

The bartender, WINONA, an older woman with a lot of tattoos is washing glasses and reading a book – ‘The Feminine Mystique’.

SHAUNN

(jokingly to Nia)

Ok – prepare to die!

NIA

You shouldn’t talk to yourself like that. It’s not healthy.

SHAUNN

You got the break.

Nia expertly lines up her cue and takes aim. It’s a good one. A ball careens very close to a pocket – but not quite.

NIA

Agh!! Set you up.

SHAUNN

Like I said…!

He pockets it neatly.

(The game continues throughout their conversation. They are very evenly matched. Those details will be written in later.)

NIA

Where did you learn to play this game? Somehow I don’t see you in a pool hall.

SHAUNN

I went to a fancy school and took classes in Pool-Playing.

NIA

No you didn’t! – Did you?

SHAUNN

Nah. I snuck out at night when Mom was away and played down the corner. She was away a lot.

NIA

So you got pretty good at it. We had a pool table in my grandparent’s house.

SHAUNN

Yeah? Did they play?

NIA

A bit, my grandpa. I guess my Dad used to play. With my Mom.

SHAUNN

Wow! That’s cool. Does he have a pool table now?

NIA

No. I looked and I kinda asked about it. He changed the subject. He doesn’t talk about her.

SHAUNN

She died when you were really young right?

NIA

6.

SHAUNN

That’s hard.

NIA

And then he left. And I lived with my grandparents. His parents.

SHAUNN

What about your other grandparents?

NIA

Mom was also a bit of an orphan. Like me. Made her way in the world on her own. As far as I know. I have a lot of gaps in my family history.

SHAUNN

Maybe your Dad will help fill some in?

NIA

That’d be the plan.

She pots the last ball and throws her hands up in triumph.

NIA

And the first one to me!!

SHAUNN

Lucky!

NIA

Another?

SHAUNN

A beer first.

They head to the bar and perch on a stool each.

Winona puts her book down and comes over.

WINONA

Same again? Or something more celebratory?

SHAUNN

Beer for me.

NIA

And for me – but some fries?

WINONA

Curly?

NIA

With that buffalo sauce.

WINONA

You got it. You?

SHAUNN

I’m good, thanks.

Winona hands them each a beer.

WINONA

You’re an interesting pair.

NIA

(smiling)

In what way?

WINONA

Good-looking young people, educated, playing pretty good pool.

She heads to the kitchen.

NIA

What she didn’t say was, we’re not the usual white people they get here.

SHAUNN

Does that bother you? Being different?

NIA

Not really. Depends a bit on where I am but mostly No.

SHAUNN

I don’t like it.

NIA

What don’t you like?

SHAUNN

Being Chinese American. So much is expected of you.

NIA

Who by?

SHAUNN

Well, mostly my mother.

NIA

(with meaning)

You have a mother.

SHAUNN

She’s impossible. She’s on at me all the time. Watches me constantly.

NIA

Except when you were playing pool.

SHAUNN

Thankfully.

NIA

Look, I know you struggle with her, that she drives you mad. But you don’t have to be – mean to her.

SHAUNN

I’m not mean.

NIA

Yes, you are! I’ve heard how you talk to her! Or ignore her texts. She cares about you Shaunn!

SHAUNN

Have you heard of the Tiger Mother?

Winona arrives with the Fries.

WINONA

Ah, you got one of those?

NIA

Yes, I’ve heard of that. But it doesn’t make it ok to be like you are with her. She’d do anything for you, I know she would.

WINONA

Most Mothers will.

NIA

And fathers?

WINONA

Different creatures. Another beer?

NIA

Sure! Shaunn?

SHAUNN

Yeah. Thanks. Nia’s on a tear. I might need it.

Winona hands over 2 more beers.

WINONA

She doesn’t let stuff go by?

SHAUNN

Nope. Never.

Winona laughs and moves back to other end of the bar and her book.

NIA

What did that mean?

SHAUNN

That if you want to know something, do something, get something you go for it. Your dad better look out!

NIA

And you’re the one that stops me losing it!

She holds up her beer.

NIA

Cheers to us! Best of besties!

SHAUNN

To us! Now, back to the table – my turn!

[Kate Hawkes]

KATES SUSPENSE

What I learned doing this is that a small thing can create suspense. I was terrified of writing this scene from the very first outline – as it is so far it of my world of experience -but this gave me a path to follow and helped unglue myself a bit..

Characters: (and SCL)

DARROGH -Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Vengeful, Lonely, Suspicious)

takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship, wants to punish Luciana

MIN: Traits: businesslike, smart, confident, good game player, likes to win, a little cold, contained

Agrees to help with the land con because Darrogh is the type she has battled al her life in the Biz field and she believes in their goal. Plus she wants to connect with her son. (Shaunn)

The PROMISE: Darrogh to sign the ‘fake’ land buy deal

WHAT MATTERS: to save the land/community from the landfill

THE DELAYS – this is the 3rd meeting

Min wants tea

D feels something is off

wants to know more about Min and her relationship with the first 2 businessmen

sends the boys out of the room to talk with just Min

tries to reach Nia by phone – she doesn’t answer

can’t find his pen

wants an addendum to name it after him

SET UP: the 3rd and last meeting to get Darrogh to sign the buying agreement (the sting/con). Min, Shaunn (aka Mr Black/Steve) and Michael( aka Thomas) have planned this meeting. It is the last chance to get the signature. The bulldozers are in the field.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE – HIS OFFICE. AFTERNOON

Darrogh opening the front door to Michael and Shaunn (the ‘businessmen’) and Min. This is their 3rd visit, her first.

DARROGH

Welcome, Gentlemen. Oh, and Ma’am.

SHAUNN

Yes Mr McGrath, this is Mrs. Min Chang. One of our Business associates.

MIN

Mr McGrath. I apologize for the surprise. It was a last minute decision to come in person.

DARROGH

Oh, not at all. Please come in.

He leads them down a corridor to his office.

DARROGH

I don’t have a housekeeper. I prefer to take care of things myself.

He ushers them into the office. Very well appointed, with a small bar and sink, coffee urn, plate of covered scones. 4 large leather chairs are at a round dark wood table.

DARROGH

I do have an excellent cook, however. These scones were made this morning. There is coffee? Or would you like something stronger?

MIN

(Taking a seat)

I will have tea thank you. You have hot water? I have my own tea here.

She takes small tin out of her bag.

DARROGH

Yes. Over at the bar. Mr Black, could you bring over a pot of hot water? Everything you need is over there.

He waves Shaunn over to the bar as the other 2 sit, he with them almost opposite where Min sat, with Michael between them and chair for Shaunn remaining opposite him. Michael takes out some papers from his briefcase and puts them in the table.

DARROGH

Mrs – Chang? As I understand it ,this is a young company and you I think have a lot of – experience.

MIN

(smiling)

More than these two, yes. I am generally a silent partner in our business but this is so… important. That I felt it was best for me to come and meet you in person. We have to be sure just what we are agreeing to, wouldn’t you say?

Shaunn arrives with the hot water and sits, passing it to Min. He sits between Darrogh and Min opposite Michael.

DARROGH

Yes, yes.

He looks at Shaunn.

DARROGH

Is there a family connection here?

MIN

My nephew. My sister married an American.

DARROGH

(gesturing to Michael)

And?

MICHAEL

Business school together.

DARROGH

Ah, that’s right and you founded this company together.

MIN

With me. As I said, I usually stay out of the business dealings directly. I now prefer to manage the flow after the initial agreements are made.

SHAUNN

Given how this has become more complicated with the extra holdings and so on, we felt it best to include Mrs Chang in this meeting.

MICHAEL

One experienced businessman to another.

DARROGH

Mrs Chang. I feel like we have met somewhere else.

MIN

Perhaps at the online Associated Independent Businesses conference last year?

DARROGH

Of course. That would be it.

MIN

It is a very interesting vision you have for the – land use.

DARROGH

Landfill. Let’s call it what it is.

MIN

Of course, but as a marketing strategy – and that would be my job – perhaps something ‘softer’ works better?

Darrogh regards her with some admiration.

DARROGH

You don’t mince words do you?

MIN

Mr McGrath –

DARROGH

Darrogh, please.

MIN

Darrogh. We are both busy people. We know what we want. You want a legacy, we know how to make that happen. We have worked through the legalities of it, the transfer of land titles and the structure of the company with regard to your investment. All that is left is to complete the deal.

DARROGH

Something isn’t right. I don’t know what but somehow..

SHAUNN

We can go over the paperwork again.

DARROGH

No, I understand it.

He stands and walks to the window, his back to them. They all look at each other. Min signals for the boys to be quiet.

After a moment Darrogh turns.

DARROGH

I want to talk to Nia.

Shaunn is startled.

SHAUNN

Nia?!

Michael jumps in.

MICHAEL

Your daughter?

DARROGH

Yes.

MIN

Ah! The legacy – for her. I understand.

DARROGH

She isn’t talking to me at the moment.

MIN

That must be hard. I don’t have children. I don’t think I would have been a – good mother.

DARROGH

It’s not easy being a parent.

MIN

I can imagine.

Another pause.

DARROGH

Gentlemen, give us a minute please. I want to talk with Mrs Chang alone.

There is a moment of confusion.

MIN

Absolutely.

To the boys.

MIN

I’ll text you.

SHAUNN

Of course.

The boys leave. After they have gone Darrogh turns to Min.

DARROGH

I don’t understand why you are involved with these two. Clearly, they don’t really know what they’re are doing, but you? You’re different.

MIN

I believe in helping the next generation. I can offer them my experience and skills. Don’t worry I keep a very close eye on all they do.

DARROGH

It’s a lot of money.

MIN

Yes, I know. I am putting up half.

DARROGH

Ah! You are the other investor. I supply the land, you make and manage the landfill.

MIN

Yes.

DARROGH

I’m going to try Nia.

Min stands to leave.

DARROGH

No, stay. This won’t take long.

Darrogh takes out his cell and tries Nia.

Min sips her tea.

No answer.

CUT TO:

SHAUNN AND MICHAEL OUT IN THE HALL

SHAUNN

What is he doing?

MICHAEL

No idea. It’s up to your Mother now.

SHAUNN

She’s good at what she does.

MICHAEL

She better be. He’s a sneaky old bastard.

SHAUNN

So’s she.

CUT BACK TO:

MIN AND DARROGH

DARROGH

She’s not answering.

MIN

Are you wanting her approval?

DARROGH

She won’t approve I know that. I just wanted…

MIN

Mr McGrath – Darrogh. I don’t understand the familial bond. I do understand business. If you want to do this deal, do it. If it makes sense to you, then..? Work it out with her afterwards.

Darrogh suddenly drops his veneer.

DARROGH

I hate this town and the people in it. That Mayor? I want her destroyed. And if I make a stack of money in the process? Then so much the better! And my name on a landfill right on her old land? Where she has to see it every day?! Perfect.

MIN

I don’t care what your reasons are, Darrogh.

She puts her tea cup down and meets his eye.

MIN

I just want to get this done – or not. I can find another partner if I need to. And I have to get back this afternoon.

Darrogh makes his decision.

DARROGH

Call the boys. Let’s sign it.

He crosses to the bar and pours a drink for himself.

Min texts Shaunn.

DARROGH

Would you like a celebratory drink?

MIN

Scotch – after we all sign.

The boys enter the room.

DARROGH

Ah, there you are. We’re ready.

Min nods at them

Michael gets out the documents.

Darrogh, at the bar, to the boys.

DARROGH

Scotch?

SHAUNN

Er! Yes. Thank you.

DARROGH

(to Michael)

Thomas?

MICHAEL

Sounds good. To celebrate!

Darrogh comes back with a tray of drinks, places it on the table. Michael slides the documents over to him with a pen.

DARROGH

I have my own pen.

He crosses to his desk, as they all exchange glances again.

DARROGH

Hmm. Not here.

SHAUNN

You can use ours.

DARROGH

(coming back to the table.)

Yes.

He sits and picks up the pen.

DARROGH

Same as the last..?

MICHAEL

Yes sir. No changes.

Darrogh suddenly puts the pen down.

DARROGH

I want an addendum.

MICHAEL

A -?

DARROGH

Yes. Clearly stating that the landfill will be named after me and I will design the entrance gates to it. To my specifications.

MIN

I have no problem with that. Thomas? Steve?

Michael and Shaunn both agree.

MIN

I’m a ‘behind the scenes’ person. I think, Darrogh, you will find me very easy to work with. The perfect business partner. You can sit back and watch it unfold.

DARROGH

Thomas, just write up a short hand-written addendum. We can all witness it.

INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE – HIS OFFICE. 10 MINUTES LATER

The last paper is signed, in 2 files on the table.

Darrogh is passing out the drinks.

DARROGH

To the worlds’ biggest landfill and the settling of an old score!

They all raise their glasses, only Darrogh knowing what the last one means.

They toast and drink. Then Min raises her glass.

MIN

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

They repeat her phrase and drink.

END SCENE

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned is it is hard for me to write to meet a format but it pays off as I found a variety of new and subtle (?) ways to build the forward motion of the story.

NIA

• Traits: Kind, Hopeful, a little Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

• Subtext: In denial, Self-Censoring

• Character Logline: Nia is a naive young woman who must find her personal courage to face the truth of her father and family.

• Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him

SHAUN

• Traits: Kind, Romantic, Shy, Uncertain, Dutiful

• Subtext: Evasive, Resentful

• Character Logline: Shaun, only son of a Tiger Mother, whose chosen lifestyle in the theatre causes conflict with his Mother, to whom he knows he owes his life, which in turn makes him feel guilty and resentful finds courage to speak his truth..

• Possible areas of subtext: Shaun is passive aggressive with his mother, uncertain and hesitant with Nia, feeling unworthy, and torn between what he want to do and what he thinks is expected of him.

AND SEVERAL OTHER CHARACTERS

(Immediately prior to this scene: Nia has been kicked out of Darrogh (her Father’s ) house. He also told her that Lucianna was responsible for her Mother’s death. )

EXT. TROUPE’S CAMP – EARLY EVENING

Shaunn and a few others are sitting around a campfire when Nia (having hiked up the hill) puffs in.

NIA

Hey, everyone.

Shaunn jumps up at once, and pulls up a camp chair for her.

SHAUNN

Nia! Great to see you. Here, sit down.

Nia drops into the chair clearly shaken.

MERCEDES

Not looking so good Nia. What’s happened?

SHAUNN

Give her a moment, she only just sat down.

MERCEDES

Ok, ok. But you can’t put off dealing with whatever it is and it is something.

SHAUNN

I know. We will, but for now can’t you see she’s exhausted? Let’s chill for a moment.

MERCEDES

That’s typical of you. One day Shaunn, you’re gonna have to jump right in to whatever it is you’re dealing with.

SHAUNN

Whoa! This isn’t about me. It’s her! And I bet it’s him.

MERCEDES

Who?

SHAUNN

Darrogh! Another stunt he’s pulled.

SARAH

Nia? Are you ok?

Nia rallies and finally addresses them.

NIA

Yes, yes. Well, no. Not really.

SHAUNN

What the hell has he done?

NIA

He kicked me out! I barely had time to grab my backpack.

SARAH

Oh Nia! I’m so sorry.

NIA

It’s ok. I needed to get out anyway. It was too, too…

SHAUNN

What? Did you think he was going to hurt you?

NIA

Noooo .. I don’t think so.

SHAUNN

That bastard!

MICHAEL

Calm down, Shaunn. You go off like that you’ll only make it worse.

MERCEDES

Whatever ‘IT’ is…

NIA

It can’t be worse. He’s got a spy. Watching me. Us.

SARAH

Who?!

NIA

That measley guy in the bow tie.

MICHAEL

Bill. He is kinda Darrogh’s spokes-person. Darrogh never talks to anyone.

NIA

He used to me talk to me. Not anymore. He’s all alone in that house and he won’t let me or anyone help him. It’s not good.

The group exchange glances.

SARAH

You don’t have to look after him. It’ll hurt you even more than now.

NIA

He’s my father! It doesn’t matter what he’s done. I have to love him.

SHAUNN

No, you don’t. Not if he doesn’t deserve it.

MERCEDES

(suspiciously)

What else did he say?

NIA

That doesn’t matter. What matters is saving the field. We’ve got to get the land back! Shaunn?

SHAUNN

Why are you looking at me?

MERCEDES

This might be a chance for you Shaunn.

SHAUNN

For what?

Mercedes begins to speak, Nia cuts across her.

NIA

We can’t wait forever on this. You have to try again – you and Michael as the businessmen. Go back.

SHAUNN

It didn’t work!

SARAH

So? Do you want to go through life quitting when something doesn’t work the first time?

MICHAEL

That’s not fair Sarah.

SARAH

I’m with Nia. If we don’t act now – try again – it will be too late. And we’ll have to live with that the rest of our lives.

NIA

Your Mom, Shaunn. We need her.

SHAUNN

I already asked her and she said no.

NIA

You didn’t ask her about this! Come on. She’s the best. You’ve said it yourself! She never loses a deal.

MERCEDES

I want to meet her. And you Shaunn, are the only one who can get here! If you’re up for it.

Shaunn is trapped.

NIA

Those bulldozers are on their way.

SHAUNN

She’s a busy person. I don’t know if she’ll can drop everything and just come!

MICHAEL

And we can try again. Maybe get some ‘agreements to sell’ from the other farmers. Bob, Ian- they would. At least on paper.. with contingencies etc.

NIA

I bet your Mom would help us draw up some secondary offer thing – she did before. ‘Til she got here.

SHAUNN

Yes. She did.

NIA

So, we go with that? Buy us some time?

SHAUNN

I’ll call her. See what she says.

NIA

Oh Shaunn! I knew you could do it.

SHAUNN

Do what?

There is a moment as the friends look at each other. They know about Shaunn’s difficult relationship with his Mother.

MERCEDES

Talk to your -.

SARAH

(quickly)

Help us.

SHAUNN

Of course I will. There’s no guarantee but I’ll try.

NIA

Don’t wait. Call her now.

They all look at him. He stands up, takes out his phone.

SHAUNN

I’ll go to the edge of the hill. Better service.

As he walks away, they all look at each other.

MERCEDES

And if this doesn’t work…

NIA

It has to.

MICHAEL

And let’s get Lucianna up to speed.

NIA

No. It’s okay. We don’t need her for this.

There is a surprised silence.

SARAH

Ookaay.

NIA

Look, what do we know about her really? We’ve already seen she’s pretty much out for herself.

MICHAEL

Maybe but in this case it’s all to the same end.

Another pause.

NIA

Sure, then go tell her. But don’t come to me if it backfires.

Nia stands and walks off a little, toward Shaunn on the phone.

MERCEDES

“I fear too early, for my mind misgives

Some consequence yet hanging in the stars.-

MICHAEL

(completing the quote))

Shall bitterly begin his fearful date

With this night’s revels, and expire the term

Of a despisèd life closed in my breast

By some vile forfeit of untimely death.”

SARAH

R and J – hardly applicable.

MERCEDES

Wait and see.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Dramatic Devices V2
PLEASE JUMP IN!

What I learned is that it can bring in more voices, a range of options with the characters and tease out the story details, backstory and subtext.

and w/ V2 not to be afraid to up the dialogue and so on.

• Lucianna – Logline: schemes to trick the local billionaire in order to save the community’s farmlands and finds ‘family’ in the end. Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing

She wants her old family home restored to her. She needs an accepting ‘family’ of some kind

• many supporting characters

INT. CHURCH HALL

A rectangular room with a wooden floor, a long table against a wall, set up with 2 hot water urns, disposable cups, a can of instant coffee and homemade cookies.

A rickety wooden table sits up front with 3 chairs at it, facing an assortment of wooden chairs in uneven rows.

Variously on the walls is the American flag, a wooden crucifix, old photos of the community, including a fierce-looking old Mexican farmer with a small girl holding his hand staring directly at the camera from under a wide-brimmed hat – Luciana and her grandfather.

A hastily called meeting of locals to discuss Darrogh’s letter.

About 30 people, coffee in hand, seated in rows facing Mayor LUCIANNA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair.Seated with her is Francia, a tall, bespectacled man of about 40.

LUCIANNA

He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?

She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.

LUCIANNA

This letter arrived yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!

Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.

IAN

(mid-40s)

How can he do that? What about permits and so on?

Lucianna holds up her hand.

LUCIANNA

Oh, he taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!

More shouts of disapproval.

SYLVIE

(late 70s)

Where the hell would he get that? This community didn’t give it!

LUIS

(early 30s)

It’s a fake.

HAROLD

(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))

More of his bull. It won’t stand up. We can ignore it.

BOB

No, we’ll gather in the field, send a message! He’ll see we’re not rolling over for his lies.

Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.

FRANCIS

It’s not a fake. We’re not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county.

A stunned hush falls over the group.

SUSAN

(early 30 – Luis’ wife))

So we’re screwed?

No sustainable community?

BOB

(mid 40s)

It’s wrong! Big government in action. Don’t we get a say?

The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.

LUCIANNA

Our say is in our action! We make a plan! We stop him, yes? All in favor?

The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.

FRANCIS

Yes? Um…?

BILL

Bill. What about a discussion?

HAROLD

Old Seth’s boy?

BILL

He was my father, yes.

HAROLD

I wouldn’t shout about it.

DAVE

Now Harold, that’s old stuff. Give the lad a chance to speak.

LUCIANNA

Please come up here, where we can all see you.

BILL

I’m fine here. I have a question -Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?

There is a slight pause.

LUCIANNA

On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.

A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.

SYLVIE

Oh Lucianna. How terrible.

BILL

So would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?

LUCIANNA

Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?

Shouts of agreement.

BILL

What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.

A quiet falls.

BILL

Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.

IAN

But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?

LUCIANNA

He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.

DAVE

It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?

A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.

WOMAN

How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.

A few people quietly agree with her.

BILL

The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.

The room is silent.

BILL

I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.

Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.

BILL

One week.

Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.

INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

Ian and Bob are talking quietly

IAN

There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.

BILL

I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.

IAN

Would you?

BILL

No. I wouldn’t.

INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g

SYLVIE

Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?

HAROLD

It’s a mean thing to do.

DAVE

Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.

SYLVIE

He doesn’t even know her!

HAROLD

It makes no sense.

INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

The Woman and another man.

WOMAN

I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.

MAN

It can’t hurt.

They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.

Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell, Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.

LUCIANNA

I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.

She pauses.

LUCIANNA

I didn’t want anyone to be interested.

SYLVIE

We understand Lucianna.

SUSAN

The real question now is, what do we do?

IAN

I say we all go home, sleep in it and meet again –

BILL

Tomorrow.

LUCIANNA

Gracias. Manana.

People begin to tidy up all talking.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE

Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate is Being Dramatic

(late to the party – deep in rehearsal. Please give me some feedback!)

What I learned is that it can bring in more voices, a range of options with the characters and tease out the story details, backstory and subtext.

• Lucianna – Logline: schemes to trick the local billionaire in order to save the community’s farmlands and finds ‘family’ in the end. Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing

She wants her old family home restored to her. She needs an accepting ‘family’ of some kind

• many supporting characters

INT. CHURCH HALL

A rectangular room with a wooden floor, a long table against a wall, set up with 2 hot water urns, disposable cups, a can of instant coffee and homemade cookies.

A rickety wooden table sits up front with 3 chairs at it, facing an assortment of wooden chairs in uneven rows.

Variously on the walls is the American flag, a wooden crucifix, old photos of the community, including a fierce-looking old Mexican farmer with a small girl holding his hand staring directly at the camera from under a wide-brimmed hat – Luciana and her grandfather.

A hastily called meeting of locals to discuss Darrogh’s letter.

About 30 people, coffee in hand, seated in rows facing Mayor LUCIANNA SANCHEZ, a 5’3, s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair. Seated with her Francia, a tall, bespectacled man of about 40.

LUCIANNA

He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?

She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.

LUCIANNA

This letter arrives yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!

Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.

IAN

(mid-40s)

How can he do that? What about permits and so on?

Lucianna holds up her hand.

LUCIANNA

Oh, he’s taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!

More shouts of disapproval.

SYLVIE

(late 70s)

Where the hell would he get that? We didn’t give it!

LUIS

(early 30s)

It must be a fake. He’s trying to pull one over us.

HAROLD

(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))

Yeah! He can’t just waltz in and do that!

Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.

FRANCIS

He can. It’s not a fake. We are not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county.

SUSAN

(early 30 – Luis’ wife))

So, we’re screwed? No sustainable community?

BOB

(mid 40s)

It’s outrageous.

The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.

LUCIANNA

We stop him, yes? We make a plan. All in favor?

The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.

FRANCIS

Yes? Um…?

BILL

Bill. What about a discussion?

HAROLD

Old Seth’s boy?

BILL

He was my father, yes.

HAROLD

I wouldn’t shout about it.

DAVE

Now Harold, that’s old stuff. Give the lad a chance to speak.

LUCIANNA

Please come up here, where we can all see you.

BILL

I’m fine here. I have a question. Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?

There is a slight pause.

LUCIANNA

On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.

A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.

SYLVIE

Oh Lucianna. How terrible.

BILL

So, would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?

LUCIANNA

Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?

Shouts of agreement.

BILL

What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.

A quiet falls.

BILL

Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.

IAN

But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?

LUCIANNA

He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.

DAVE

It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?

A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.

WOMAN

How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.

A few people quietly agree with her.

BILL

The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.

The room is silent.

BILL

I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.

Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.

BILL

One week.

Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.

INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

Ian and Bob are talking quietly

IAN

There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.

BILL

I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.

IAN

Would you?

BILL

No. I wouldn’t.

INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g

SYLVIE

Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?

HAROLD

It’s a mean thing to do.

DAVE

Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.

SYLVIE

He doesn’t even know her!

HAROLD

It makes no sense.

INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS

The Woman and another man.

WOMAN

I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.

MAN

It can’t hurt.

They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.

Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell,. Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.

LUCIANNA

I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.

She pauses.

LUCIANNA

I didn’t want anyone to be interested.

SYLVIE

We understand, Lucianna.

SUSAN

The real question now is, what do we do?

The crowd starts up again. Ian stands and shouts above the noise.

IAN

I say we all go home, sleep on it and meet again –

BILL

Tomorrow.

LUCIANNA

Gracias. Manana.

People begin to tidy up all talking.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE

Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE CREATES A FUTURE

What I learned from doing this assignment is how interesting it is what happens to your characters under pressure. Also that a few new supporting characters can up the ante. And even small unanswered questions, and potential catastrophe can increase the interest.

A lot of supporting Characters with

Nia (Protagonist) and Shaunn her acting friend, possible sweetheart

EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING

The campsite is quiet. Most people asleep, 2 are having coffee by the fire. It is cool but clear, the sun touching the tops of the trees, and throwing pools light on the meadow. Birds twitter and a deer wanders by.

The sound of heavy equipment rumbling up the little dirt track breaks in over the scene.

Two huge flatbeds carrying a bulldozer and backhoe appear over the crest of the hill, and stop facing the camp-site.

People emerge from their tents and the coffee drinkers jump up and walk quickly over to the drivers who are climbing out of their cabs, surprised to see the camp-site.

The largest of the two is Mac, about 40, tall, barrel-chested, dressed in short shorts and boots, with a bright red windbreaker. The other (Sam) is a small, wiry guy, about 70, dressed as if for the Arctic. It is a chilly morning.

They stand side by surveying the scene.

Michael (27)and Sarah (23), in flannel pjs with woolly sweaters over them, carrying their coffee in brightly colored travel mugs, approach them.

MICHAEL

Good morning.

MAC

And to you. And you Miss.

SARAH

Sarah.

She reaches out to shake his hand. He takes it a little surprised.

MAC

Mac. And that’s Sam.

Sam nods, huddling his arms in for warmth.

MICHAEL

Big rigs. On your way to..?

MAC

Here.

SARAH

Right here?

SAM

The field up in the old Sanchez place. Over the hill from the hacienda.

He gestures with his head, too cold to unwrap his arms.

Sarah begins to speak upset, Michael jumps in.

MICHAEL

Would you like some coffee? Come over to the camp fire.

MAC

We gotta a get these unloaded.

SAM

That’d be good. I was in a hurry this morning. It can wait Mac.

Sam walked off with Michael. Sarah and Mac fall in behind them.

EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING – CONTINUOUS

Nia and Shaunn with 2 others are clustered at the bus looking at the earth moving equipment.

NIA

What the fuck are those?

SHAUNN

Just what they look like.

MERCEDES

What for?

NIA

A landfill!

TIM

Where?

NIA

HERE!!

SHAUNN

We can’t be sure it’s right here..

NIA

Then why are they here?

MERCEDES

I don’t understand. Why a landfill? Who’d want to do that?

NIA

Darrogh.

TIM

The guy you’re staying with?

SHAUNN

Her Dad.

MERCEDES

Holy Mother Mary!

NIA

I’m going to go ask them.

TIM

I’m coming too.

SHAUNN

We all are.

They set off toward the fire.

EXT. THE FIELD – THE FIRE PIT

Mac, Sam, Sarah and Michael sitting having coffee. Small talk at this stage. Michael is very good at managing people and crisis. He is the tour manager after all.

MICHAEL

(to Sam)

You’ve been here all your life then.

SAM

70 years. Except When I was in the Army

MICHAEL

You have a ranch here?

SAM

My Dad did. But I didn’t like it. Opened the hard-ware store.

MAC

That’s where I met him.

Nia Shaunn and the other’s arrive – a little tense.

MICHAEL

Hi guys! Coffee?

NIA

No, I want to know what those big -big things are doing here.

Mercedes steps in. She knows how Nia can explode. Her long black hair is wildly all over the place, and her mens’ flannel shirt falling off her shoulders, barely over her ample breast.

MERCEDES

Maybe you are lost?

Mac and Sam look startled.

MAC

Um, no. We know where we are. We Just didn’t know you were here.

SAM

I know who you are! You’re that the-aytre group!

SHAUNN

(with a theatrical bow)

At your service!

SAM

I saw your play. Didn’t really understand it but I liked it.I thought you had moved on. Tour thing, right?

MICHAEL

It’s the end of the tour so we stayed on for a while.

SARAH

It’s pretty here.

SAM

It is that.

MAC

Times change.

NIA

What does that mean?

MICHAEL

Look, it’s really none of our business what you are going to do here, we just wonder if maybe you -.

NIA

You could hold off? At least ‘till we’ve had time to pack up!I don’t want to get crushed by a fucking bulldozer in my sleep.

MICHAEL

Steady on, Nia.

SAM

I get it. Hey Mac what’s the rush? Mr McGrath didn’t say we had to get started today. Just get the equipment up here.

MAC

I guess so. I’ll give him a call. Be sure. Cell’s in the cab. I don’t like to mess him about.

Mac lumbers off. Sam takes another sip of the coffee and looks at them all.

SAM

I can afford to risk it, but Mac? He’s got a family and McGrath is pretty much the only source of employment here now. It’s his excavation company. And his field.

They all look back to the rigs where Mac is just getting his phone out.

Michael pours coffee for everyone.

SAM

Of course he might not answer right away.

Mac is gesturing no answer.

SHAUNN

So we have a bit of time, right?

SAM

I’d say so. I’ll have another.

Nia, Sarah and Mercedes take their coffee and sit away in the direct sunlight. Michael takes Mac’s coffee to him. Tim and Shaunn settle into a their camp chairs with Sam.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Crucible

What I learned from doing this assignment was that dialogue comes easily when there is a clear and well defined conflict with a no-win outcome. Also that a crucible might be an entire years old situation that traps them until it is resolved and not just one conversation.

CHARACTERS

DARROGH – Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious) Vindictive

His immense wealth and power gives him no idea he’d ever lose to anyone.

LUCIANNA – Determination, Courage, impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing) Excellent game player

Secret: A secret Lesbian hidden in her hometown and culture, and with Darrogh knowing that secret, she has always been very careful not to take him on in any way.

This is (I think) their only scene together and gives us something of their backstory.
Probably a flashback 1/2 way through the film.

INT.DARROGH’S GREENHOUSE – MID MORNING

Darrogh is tending some plants, when Lucianna unexpectedly appears at the door of the greenhouse. They haven’t seen each other for over 15 years, since Darrogh ‘caught’ Lucianna and Amahla together (then 6 months later she committed suicide). She watches him for a while as he is absorbed in his task.

LUCIANNA

So it is you.

Darrogh stiffens, takes a moment then turns and holds her gaze.

DARROGH

I wondered how long it’d take you to figure it out.

LUCIANNA

Why did you come here?

DARROGH

Just luck, I guess.

LUCIANNA

I kept my end of the deal. I left you and – all of you alone.

DARROGH

There was no deal. No exchange. I didn’t agree to anything.

LUCIANNA

No. You wouldn’t.

DARROGH

What do you want, Lucianna?

LUCIANNA

I’d really like you to not be here.

Darrogh shrugs and spreads out his hands in a ‘can’t do’ motion.

LUCIANNA

I want the ranch back.

DARROGH

Oh, I don’t think so. You see, it is the best piece property here and I have plans for it.

LUCIANNA

It’s not yours. It’s my family’s.

DARROGH

No. Your grandfather lost it. To me. In a fair game.

LUCIANNA

Fair game? You?

Darrogh steps toward her holding the shears.

DARROGH

I wondered what had happened to you. Not often but every now and again I’d think, where did little beaner home-wrecker go?

Lucianna takes an involuntary step back.

LUCIANNA

I went as far from you as I could go. Here. Where I grew up. Took on the ranch after my father died. Became Mayor – making something of this town that will last.

DARROGH

I know. I knew that before I first came here 2 years and 2 months ago.

LUCIANNA

You count the months? And you did come here with a purpose – what? To do.. what?

DARROGH

I will wreck your home, your entire town. You will regret what you did for the rest of your life.

LUCIANNA

What I did? You come here, build a huge, ugly, ostentatious mausoleum! Designed to impress and intimidate. You sneak around, don’t show your face ‘til it’s all done and then! Bang! You move in and immediately set about taking advantage of the poverty, lack of education and of an old sick man.

DARROGH

And if you had known it was me, what would you have done about it? Madam Mayor!

LUCIANNA

I would have told everyone about you, how you operate. I’ve been keeping an eye on you too. I know what you do. And the whole town would have stopped you. And you know what? I can stop you from doing any more damage.

DARROGH

Really? Really Lucianna. How will this town feel when they know the truth about their dyke Mayor? You think they’ll listen to you then?

LUCIANNA

My personal life is no-one’s business.

DARROGH

I imagine you don’t have much of one here. Keeping your dirty little secret. Maybe you should get out of town with your ‘reputation’ intact while you can.

There is a long pause. Darrogh goes back to his plant.

LUCIANNA

Maybe you might have to consider the same. I can ruin you too. The people here might be poor and ill-educated but they know badness when they see it. And no matter how much money you have, they will run you out of town.

DARROGH

You’re the Sheriff now too?

LUCIANNA

In your arrogance, you have forgotten this is MY home, My town. I’m not going anywhere.

Darrogh turns and looks at her. She is serious and not hysterical.

DARROGH

Nor am I. I have this house, I have a sweet, sweet little ranch and big plans for it. You can stay and watch me. You can’t stop me.

LUCIANNA

I will stay. I will watch.

She turns to go and then turns back as Darrogh stands there pruning shears in hand

LUCIANNA

I’m sure our paths’ll cross again, it’s a small town. I’m ready. And Darrogh? Deep down you know that I didn’t do anything. It’s what you did that haunts you.

Lucianna walks away. Darrogh throws the shears breaking a clay pot as he does.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S AMAZING SETTING

What I learned doing this assignment is that the scene can both affect how the characters behave as well as how we perceive them – sort of subtext in the setting. Some settings are inherent with the action, other setting options are more malleable.

TWO EXAMPLES that show the biggest improvement in the setting.

1)

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: A difficult conversation about the nature dealing with parents and kindness

Setting: The Troupe’s Camp

AFTER:

New Setting: A Pool Hall

How this has improved the scene: they have to be more subtle, can skirt the edges of emotion, what is not said is now more important. There is an activity they are engaged in that is also a sort of competition

2)

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: Nia daring Shaunn to get to know his Mom, and she is willing to do with her dad.

Setting: The Troupe’s Camp

AFTER:

New Setting: A roof-top

How this has improved the scene: It shows how daring she is, and Shaunn has had to scramble up there with her. They have a view of the town from there – metaphor for their future with their parents?

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Set Ups / Payoffs.

What I learned doing this assignment was how in writing dialogue their needs, subtext, and game playing/delusions are amplified through this lens of set up/payoff.

And there can be a set up that has its big payoff (s) way later.

CHARACTERS

NIA – Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Subtext this scene- to believe that she now has the dad she’s dreamed of

DARROGH – Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Subtext this scene – for his daughter to love and be loyal to him (unlike her Mother)

Set Up B. Mislead the audience.

Pay off A. Surprise the audience.

and Pay off D. Twist the story in a new direction.

Set Up A. Foreshadow upcoming events.

For Payoffs the rest of the Film (scenes to come)

C. Add new meaning to the setup.

D. Twist the story in a new direction.

E. Provide closure.

OUTLINE

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE

Darrogh invited Nia to his house one evening – tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her. Invites her to move in, Nia is over the moon. Her long lost father! She accepts.

She overlooks his proprietary, domineering attitude.

This scene sets up the entire journey for Nia and Darrogh – that this ideal ‘father-daughter finding each other’ is not based on truth.

THE SCENE

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE- EARLY EVENING

Nia is in awe of this beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.

DARROGH

So, you can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.

NIA

It is perfect! It’s like, like the best set I’ve ever been on.

DARROGH

Set?

NIA

Yes! For ‘The Theatre’! The set designer and director and then the set dresser work with the script – the story – and they choose what to put where. It’s all very carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. The details of furniture, props, what colors.

DARROGH

And all that because?

NIA

So the audience knows just where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, by their place, and what it means.

DARROGH

Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?

NIA

I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.

DARROGH

They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here. Nothing that isn’t rare and unique.

NIA

Oh yes, of course. You have a good eye I can see that.

DARGOGH

I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

NIA

Oh no. I should be getting back to Camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.

DARROGH

I wanted you to see it, particularly. I, um. Please just a glass of wine.

He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.

NIA

Well, yes. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.

Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours as he speaks.

DARROGH

Yes. I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people.

This is one of my best reds. I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. Here

He hands her one of the glasses.

Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.

NIA

Oh yes.. Thank you.

DARROGH

To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.

Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.

NIA

Oh, very good. A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?

DARROGH

(dismissively of the town)

Oh, my house – of course.

NIA

Hmm. I didn’t really have any hopes coming here. Just curious… Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.

DARROGH

(amused)

‘Older guy vibe’?

NIA

You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!

Darrogh is a bit taken back. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.

NIA

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that, well I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.

Darrogh recovers.

DARROGH

I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.

Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?

DARROGH

I am sure you are looking for the exits on this set! But please don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.

Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.

NIA

By the exit.

DARROGH

Yes.

There is a pause. Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.

NIA

Are you going to sit?

DARROGH

No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.

He is closer to the other doorway into the room.

Nia grins.

NIA

Sounds fair.

There is a pause.

NIA

Your cue.

DARROGH

Cue?

NIA

Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.

DARROGH

Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.

NIA

‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?

Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.

DARROGH

I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it is empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.

NIA

I don’t know ….

She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.

DARROGH

You – are my daughter.

Nia gasps. Almost spills her wine. Catches it. Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.

DARROGH

It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.

He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.

DARROGH

Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you walked on stage last night.

NIA

You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.

She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly for a long time until she gathers herself.

Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.

Then with a real laugh.

NIA

Where the fuck have you been?

DARROGH

Hiding I guess. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…

NIA

I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.

DARROGH

It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.

NIA

Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!

She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really needed.

Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.

DARROGH

This house needs you. You belong here. I could build the set but it was waiting for the actress

NIA

You knew I was an actress?

DARROGH

I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!

NIA

That must have been huge!!

DARROGH

Yes. I thought I’d seen a ghost.

NIA

Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.

DARROGH

My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.

Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.

NIA

Can’t think of anything I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.

DARROGH

Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother

-. I can’t go through that again.

NIA

Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.

Darrogh grabs her hand.

DARROGH

Stay with me.

NIA

Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.

She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Twists

First, sadly this is just a scene outline. I didn’t have time to write it. Only heard of this assignment today – I seem to keep dropping off their email list!) Dialogue may well arrive in the final draft.

What I learned doing this assignment is – great exercise to develop characters, relationships and add length!

2 Characters

Nia – (Protagonist) Actress in the troupe, kind-hearted, naive, disenchanted at this stage, just found her father after many years. Eager to help the community.

Shaunn – Fellow actor in the troupe, swamped by his mother, and sweet on Nia but hasn’t made a ‘play’ because he is very intimidated by her. Hopes to impress her.

(+ by Text – Min – (Shaunn’s Mother) a hard-nosed, businesswoman and classic Chinese Tiger Mother who dominates Shaunn’s life.) Trying to do the right thing.

SET UP

Nia proposes the sting project to the acting Troupe looking for ‘businessman’.

Shaun says his Businesswoman mother (Min) who is coming to visit can help set that up. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people.

TWIST 1 – He gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. And perhaps he’ll get this out of his system.

Nia suggests maybe if she asks too?

TWIST 2 – Shaunn tells her that really, Min wasn’t ever coming – he told her not to and why – she just agreed.

Nia asks So why did he say she was?

He says he wanted to help, impress her (Nia) and he is going to make a call and ask Min to come and help, which means to visit hm.

TWIST 3 – Nia hugs him – she knows how hard that is and oddly, it makes her like him more than if Min had just been coming anyway.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Dramatic Irony

What I leaned doing this assignment is that the last 1/3 is pretty much all irony as we all know what is being planned and then as it unfolds only Darrogh doesn’t. (He is the Antagonist.)

Character names, traits and their SCL (Subtext Character Logline)

Nia – Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Nia is a naive and troubled young woman who must find her personal courage to face the truth of her father and family.

Darrogh – Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Darrogh is a lonely, suspicious billionaire who wants to buy up all the farmland around the village but is thwarted by his daughter and the locals.

DRAMATIC IRONY – THE ‘PLAY’ REVEAL SCENE

The play to expose the truth to D has been planned for a while – audience knows about it, D doesn’t.

(The Irony Part/Scene really happens over 3-4 scenes)

1) They are getting ready to greet him, he arrives and is greeted a special guest

2) the event/party unfolds and the play happens

3) the moment he realizes he has been taken

EXT. THE FIELD WITH A STAGE AND LIGHTS SET UP – EVENING

Nia, Shaunn and few of the other actors are nervously waiting for Darrogh to arrive.

MICHAEL

You guys have got this. After the speeches etc, Sarah sings, Ian sets up the scene with The Sting/King Lear context, then only a few minutes and – Kaboom!

NIA

What do you think he’s going to do?

MICHAEL

No idea.

SHAUNN

And beyond shouting a lot he can’t do anything.

SARAH

I’ll sing ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ in my best Mary Poppins tone, and sit on his lap.

Luciana pokes her head around the corner.

LUCIANNA

He’s here! Have fun out there!

Buena Suerte

She grins and they all give a thumbs up as she leaves.

EXT.THE FIELD ELSEWHERE.

Darrogh is getting out of his Mercedes, parked way too close to the stage in spite of the designated parking signs. He is greeted by some of the local people (also in on the entire con and play.)

IAN

Mr. Magrath. Glad you could come.

DARROGH

It is my party, right? Wouldn’t miss it for anything. I hear there’s even a special play for me!

IAN

Indeed! Very special.

DARROGH

I bet my daughter had something to do with it, not that she’s saying. Quiet little thing but she loves her Father.

MRS SHIEL

And we love Nia. She’s a joy.You must be very proud of her.

DARROGH

We’re very close. She’s a bit soft never be a businesswoman. No real killer instinct. But that’s alright, I have enough for both of us and now I have this land? And will have the largest working landfill In The World? Well, she’ll be sticking close to her Daddy!

IAN

Daughters!

DARROGH

You got a daughter?

IAN

Oh yes – 3. The eldest helped put together that land deal. I hear you’re quite the businessman

DARROGH

I drive a hard bargain, and I always get my way.

MRS SHIEL

I’m sure you do Mr Macgrath.

DARROGH

Call me Darrogh. Now let’s go get this party started, eh?

Darrogh moves off as Ian, Mrs Sheil and a few others follow.

NOT WRITTEN YET BUT THIS HAPPENS SETTING UP THE MOMENT OF RECOGNITION

Have not written this middle piece of this giant act of irony. The performance part of the party is shown with snippets of speeches, music and then the special play is announced.

Suffice to say, Sarah sings ‘Cabaret’ followed by a scene adapted from The Sting mixed with King Lear. During it the location, the land use and even some of the characters (including the Latina Mayor Lucianna) are acted out right to the final ‘meeting’ with Darrogh/Lear and the sting itself.

Darrogh is increasingly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and looking around.

EXT. STAGE UNDER LIGHTS – LATER

At the very end of the ‘play’ the cast standing on stage addressing Darrogh directly. Sarah sings ‘He Had It Coming’ from ‘Chicago’, with some new words.

Darrogh leaps out of his seat.

DARROGH

What does this mean? Are saying that was me? I don’t get taken. I’m a highly successful businessman. I always win!

IAN

Wait a moment Sir, there’s one more scene.

The document he signed is brought on to the stage by Min and she hands it to the Mayor, Lucianna.

MIN

Madam Mayor, the deeds to the land holdings here. All of them. The small farms, the big ranches – and your family land – this very hillside we are on now – all returned to the community.

DARROGH

No! That can’t be! I invested in a landfill! That’s where I put my money. Not a bunch of decrepit farms.

MIN

In your hurry to make the biggest deal you could, before someone else did, you signed this. It’s all legal. You don’t have any say in what actually happens here. And there are no guaranteed profit margins. You simply assumed that I, being Chinese, would want to make as much money as – well – as you do.

DARROGH

I invested everything I have into this. You told me -.

MIN

I didn’t say anything. You made up the story you wanted to hear.

LUCIANNA

You could not believe that a small nowhere town with a Latina female Mayor knew anything about money, so you didn’t take the time to check us out.

Darrogh sits down stunned.

DARROGH

How could this happen?

SHAUNN

Thy ambition,

Thou scarlet sin, robb’d this

bewailing land.

MICHAEL

Henry V111 – Shakespeare. And now one more scene from Mr. Shakespeare’s cannon.

He steps aside and Nia takes the stage. She is the image of Mother, dressed in a long gown that was hers and for a moment Darrogh sees only Amahla on the stage.

FLASHBACK

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Conflict

What I learned doing this is it is hard to separate into neat categories the types of conflict. I loved that I found a nasty/mean side to someone I had tagged as always kind and controlled, and I seem to have dug up more backstory for her. I also realized that you can create a lot of tension by what we see people do not only what they say.

EXY. PATH FROM THE FIELD – LATE AFTERNOON

Nia is walking fast, angry and determined.

Shaunn runs after her.

SHAUNN

Nia! Wait! What’s going on?

NIA

Nothing to do with you.

SHAUNN

Maybe not but I’m your friend. Stop walking and stand still for a minute

NIA

(walking faster)

I don’t need you for this. This is mine. I have to do this.

SHAUNN

Not in this mood you don’t.

He grabs her arm. Nia spins around looking as if she might hit him.

SHAUNN

You going to hit me?

NIA

If you don’t let me go. I have every right to. Stop interfering in my life!

Shaun let’s go – stung.

SHAUNN

Interfering?? What the hell is going on with you? You come storming back to the camp, don’t say a word about why – and I don’t ask. I leave you alone. No, listen! You get bossy and cold. You’re rude to my Mom and won’t talk to Lucianna.

Nia doesn’t back down.

NIA

There’s so much you don’t know.

SHAUNN

Then tell me!!

NIA

I can’t.

SHAUNN

Why not?

NIA

Because…. Leave me alone.

SHAUNN

I can’t do that. I know about… before.

Nia is shocked and frightened.

NIA

What do you know?

SHAUNN

We all make mistakes.

NIA

What do you know about mistakes? Safe little Chinese boy, with the Tiger mother! Never had to fight for anything.

SHAUNN

This isn’t about me – it’s about you. You’re about to do something really stupid.

NIA

How dare you!

SHAUNN

Tell me what’s going on and I can help!

NIA

I don’t want your ‘help’ ! Can’t you see that?

SHAUNN

So you going to go off and wreck what’s left of your life?

NIA

Where the fuck do you get off with this?

SHAUNN

I -.

NIA

My life is my business. It’s not ‘wrecked’.

SHAUNN

Yes – since you met Darrogh you’ve…

NIA

I’ve what?

SHAUNN

Changed. You’re even more – manic. Just tell me what you’re planning to do.

NIA

Maybe there isn’t a plan. Maybe I’m just going to go and kill someone?

SHAUNN

Don’t joke!

NIA

Who said I’m joking? Now get out of my way and mind your own business. Not like your life’s perfect.

SHAUNN

You’ve gone crazy.

NIA

Maybe I like it there. Anything else?

SHAUNN

No. Nothing. I just..

NIA

That’s right. Nothing. Now can I go?

SHAUNN

Yes. Of course, but please be – careful – whatever you’re doing.

Nia walks off.

He watches her go.

EXT. NIA ENTERING THE TOWN

She walks more slowly now. Some people say hello to her, she doesn’t respond. She walks to the street where Luciana’s house is. (She’s been there before.)

As she nears Luciana’s house she slows down, then speeds up walking right past.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHAUN ON THE STREET

He is following her, keeping back.

EXT.NIA ON THE STREET CONTINUOUS.

She leans against a tree, breathing deeply, trying to calm herself.

She clenches her fists.

Then faces the tree, resting her forehead on it, her arms around it.

A sob escapes her.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHAUN ON THE STREET

Shaunn is trying to see what she is doing without being seen. He starts forward then stops as –

EXT. THE STREET

Nia straightens up, gathers herself, and turns resolutely around.

Shaunn ducks behind another tree.

Nia starts back toward Luciana’s house.

This time she enters the gate into the garden

INT. LUCIANNA’S KITCHEN

Lucianna is making tortillas, humming, light and happy.

EXT. NIA AT THE DOOR

She hesitates.

INT. LUCIANNA’S HOUSE

The phone rings.

Lucianna wipes her hands.

Answers it.

EXT. NIA AT THE DOOR.

She hears the phone and Lucianna answer it

LUCIANNA

Hello? Min! How lovely you called!

Nia is taken back.

LUCIANNA

Si. Si, I make tortillas. For you.

Lucianna laughs.

Nia is in silent agony. She raises her hand to knock and again stops.

INT. LUCIANNA’S HOUSE

Lucianna is on the phone.

LUCIANNA

I look forward to it, we have much to share, no? I’ll see you later.

She hangs up and returns to the tortillas smiling and happy.

EXT.NIA AT THE DOOR

Nia takes a deep breath and knocks forcefully on the door.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHAUNN ON THE STREET

Shaunn looks around the tree, watching as Nia knocks and the door opens.

Lucianna smiles and reaches out to embrace Nia.

Nias steps widely around her, evading her hug and walks right into the house.

Lucianna, hesitates then follows her in and closes the door.

Shaunn comes out from the behind the tree and moves a little closer.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates. Final Assignment V.2

Intro Nia

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.

Eight young people (20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

SHAUNN

Now do you feel better?

NIA

Um, not sure yet.

Starts to sit up.

NIA

Oops!

More quiet barfing.

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

SHAUNN

Practice I guess. How many times this tour?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

SHAUNN

That all? Seems like many more.

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Nia gives him the finger.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Nia sighs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. You got any water?

Shaunn helps her sit up, carefully avoiding the towel.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

This is pretty sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

SHAUNN

To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers…

NIA

Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.

SHAUNN

You didn’t have to eat it.

NIA

I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.

Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.

SHAUNN

And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour.

NIA

Thanks Dad.

SHAUNN

More like Mom. Seriously, you’ve got your ‘No’ map off-kilter.

NIA

(singing)

“I’m jist a girl who cain’t say no,

I’m in a turrible fix”.

SHAUNN

And then of course there are the times your NO Button works very well.

NIA

He was a creep.

SHAUNN

It was a waste of very good beer.

NIA

He had his hand on my butt. I didn’t like it, ask for it or give permission.

SHAUNN

And I, for one, am never putting my hand on your butt – promise.

Nia grins, followed by a little burp.

NIA

Ooh! That’s better. You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!

SHAUNN

You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.

Nia starts to stand.

SHAUNN

Here, let me help you.

Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.

NIA

Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!

SHAUNN

The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?

He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.

NIA

I love this time of night.

She takes a dramatic stance and quotes:

“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”

SHAUNN

Beautiful. Who said that?

NIA

It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.

She looks off.

SHAUNN

I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.

Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.

NIA

Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.

Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.

And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!

SHAUNN

Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?

NIA

One more rinse.

Nia rinses vigorously and spits again. Shaunn goes back into the bus and comes out with another bag. She is looking out pensively to the horizon. She sees him.

NIA

(brightly)

Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!

SHAUNN

There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.

Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.

NIA

Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!

Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.

EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER

Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.

NIA

(whispering)

What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?

END SCENE

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Final Assignment V1.

What I learned rewriting this scene is that the smallest word change – order of words, specific word – can tell a lot about a character.

(Introducing Nia)

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.

Eight young people (20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

NIA lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap. Cute crap, but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little) into the towel.

Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

SHAUNN

Now do you feel better?

Nia sits up, definitely feeling better.

NIA

Yes. Oh yes – much. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. Got some water?

Shaunn helps her up, carefully avoiding the towel.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

Oh! This is gorgeous! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

SHAUNN

To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers…

NIA

Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.

SHAUNN

You didn’t have to eat it.

NIA

I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.

Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.

SHAUNN

And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour.

NIA

You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!

SHAUNN

You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.

NIA

Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!

SHAUNN

Come out of fantasy land – again!

NIA

I like it there. That’s why I’m an actress.

She looks off.

SHAUNN

On tour. Come on, help set up.

NIA

I will! I will! Just give me a moment to soak in this. And then I’ll unpack like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!

SHAUNN

Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?

NIA

Can I take it with me? My mouth … Hey, positive side – I didn’t throw up in the bus!

SHAUNN

There is that. You have amazing self-control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand.

Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.

NIA

Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!

Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the pack and joins the others.

Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, animation dropping from her.

NIA

(whispering)

What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?

END SCENE

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Ad for A-List.

What I learned is you get to know your character well when you introduce her/him with a bang. I think I found a new trait for her I didn’t know before – she has a great sense of humor and can laugh at herself.

Nia Intro Scene

a) What is the Interesting Situation?

The troupe arrive at the campsite, and Nia literally falls out of the bus onto the ground.

b) What is the Insight about this character?

She wants to please others, can’t say no but is also wild and expansive, seeing magic in all. Nia has a sense of humor and is aware she has to grow up. We also see something of a key relationship.

c) What Action and Description will sell this character?

Nia throws up (carsick) but immediately recovers, seeing beauty and hope in her surroundings and setting off to explore.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.

Eight young people (20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees.

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

He stops and leans in.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A brightly be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step. Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet as she misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

She lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue cloth to her mouth.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

NIA

Do I look alright?

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

NIA

Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.

She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little) into the towel.

Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.

SHAUNN

Now do you feel better?

Nia sits up, definitely feeling better.

NIA

Yes. Oh yes much. Sorry. Been wanting to do that for the last hour. Got some water?

Shaunn helps her up, carefully avoiding the towel.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia stows the towel under the step and looks around.

NIA

Oh! This is gorgeous! Almost worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

SHAUNN

To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers…

NIA

Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.

SHAUNN

You didn’t have to eat it.

NIA

I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.

Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him.

SHAUNN

And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour.

NIA

You’re the best. I‘m sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!

SHAUNN

You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.

NIA

Sure not Pittsburg! I’m going to explore. It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – like something incredible is going to happen!

SHAUNN

Come out of fantasy land – again! and help unpack!

NIA

I will! I will! Just give me a moment to soak this in. And then I’ll unpack like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for Everyone!

SHAUNN

Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?

NIA

Can I take it with me? My mouth … Hey, positive side – I didn’t throw up in the bus!

SHAUNN

There is that. You have amazing self control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand.

Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.

NIA

Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!!

She wanders off, away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the pack and joins the others.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Dialogue on The Attack!

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is a very good way to keep the dialogue on target and not meandering. It also (as always) reveals/clarifies something I didn’t really know about the character until they spoke.

The morning after Nia hears about the landfill.

DARROGH

Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

awkward with someone there but wants a relationship, with his daughter, very private about his business, is unnerved by how much like her Mother Nia and can’t forget Amahla hurt him.

NIA

Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Passive, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Wants the long dreamt of warm, loving relationship with her Dad, and also to change his mind about the landfill

INT DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Darrogh is at the breakfast nook table with coffee, a sweet roll and a paper. (His usual.)

Nia enters happily singing and makes right for the coffee.

NIA

Good morning, Dad. And isn’t it a gorgeous one?

DARROGH

I hadn’t noticed. ‘Morning Nia.

Nia pouring coffee and putting fruit on a plate.

NIA

How can you not notice? The sun is pouring in! Look?

Nia crosses to him, kisses the top his head and points out the bay window as she sits.

NIA

I love it here. I can’t believe – I’m here – with my Dad!

Darrogh looks up at her and smiles warmly.

DARROGH

Where you belong. What are you eating?

NIA

Fruit. Better for you than -.

She gestures at the sweet roll.

DARROGH

This has been my breakfast for years. Done me no harm.

Her returns to his paper again. Nia fiddles for a bit.

NIA

Dad? Can I – um – ask you something?

DARROGH

Now?

NIA

Yes.. While we are here, having breakfast together?

Darrogh closes the paper and gives her is full attention.

DARROGH

I’m not used to a breakfast companion.

NIA

(teasing)

Really? I’d never have guessed!

DARROGH

(similar vein)

Is this how children talk to their parents? Maybe I haven’t missed out on much.

NIA

I’ve missed a lot. I don’t know you.

DARROGH

(grandly)

Ask me anything!

NIA

OK. Tell me about the landfill thing.

DARROGH

Why do you want to know about that? It’s nothing to do with you.

NIA

It sort of is. You are my dad and I’m just wanting to.. understand.

DARROGH

Understand what?

NIA

You. Like why you’re doing it when for so many people it’s -. Well, they don’t want it.

DARROGH

Who have you been talking to?

NIA

It’s hard to miss – every one is talking about it and someone asked me what I thought.

DARROGH

What did you say?

NIA

(nervously)

I said I didn’t really know anything about it and I’d ask you.

DARROGH

And you have.

He takes a sip of coffee very deliberately and looks at her.

Nia meets his look and takes a sip of her coffee.

NIA

And you haven’t said anything.

DARROGH

You’re persistent, I’ll give you that.

NIA

So?

DARROGH

The rubbish has to go somewhere, these people aren’t making a dime on the land and this makes good use of it.

NIA

What about their homes? And how they live? Where do they go? What do they do?

DARROGH

I’m not stealing the land! I’m buying them out – they can go anywhere.

NIA

I guess. But, Dad, it’s such beautiful land. It could be organic gardens and farms and -.

Darrogh stands suddenly.

DARROGH

Nia, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Those people are not capable of making anything like that work. All they want to do is sit on their little porches, looking at their cows and picking some apples off a few trees. It’s not practical – the return on the amount of work you have to do. Even if they would do it.

NIA

Perhaps it’s not about the money and maybe they like that work? Dad? Maybe that kind of life makes them happy?

DARROGH

You’re a child, Nia. Very sweet and kind but completely ignorant with no common sense.

Nia stands and faces him over the table

NIA

That’s how you see it but perhaps you’re out of step the times.

DARROGH

(laughing condescendingly)

You’re too much like your Mother. She was a bleeding heart.

NIA

Really? Good! I didn’t know her, remember? I’m glad I look like her and I’m glad I have her heart.

DARROGH

Be very careful, Nia. She wasn’t the saint you seem to think she was. Now I am going into my office. And you can do what you want, but my advice is get over this bucolic farm life nonsense. It doesn’t work!

Darrogh leaves the room taking his paper.

Nia stares after him a moment, begins as if to follow him but stops.

She starts to clear the table.

A bright shaft of light catches her hair and face her as if a sign from angels.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Character Outline

What I learned is that when you look at how a character acts based on their profile (traits, want-need,flaws secrets etc) is a subtle (or large) shift-evolution even when operating from those same basic places. And then some of them go away once revealed/dealt with and so are not operating next time round. And some are stubbornly embedded even when one would hope for awareness.

(I included their basic profile or the actions don’t make sence…)

PROTAGONIST: NIA

Character Logline: Nia is a naive young woman who must find her personal courage to face the truth of her father and family.

1. Basic character traits:
Kind, Hopeful, Passive, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him

2. Want/Need

She wants the perfect idealized father she never had

She needs to know the truth.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)?

Family loyalty is everything VS communal social values and behavior

4. Secret:

As a part black child growing up with the Irish American grandparents and no relationship with her Mother’s family she has always felt she owed her very existence to the family she had and was no-one without them.

5. Flaw:

A chronic desire to please and take care of other’s feelings and needs.

6. Special:

Nia holds some precious memories of her Mother so she almost feels her talking to her. Even without contact with that family she always felt she was part of something bigger than her current family with a hidden strength deep within her.

ANTAGONIST: DARROGH

Character Logline: Darrogh is a lonely, suspicious billionaire who wants to buy up all the farmland around the village but is thwarted by his daughter and the locals.

1. Basic character traits:
Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Possible areas of subtext: takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship

2. Want/Need?

He wants to be the biggest and best.

He needs appreciation/love.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

Avoiding pain and loss, by being independent, strong, in charge VS being a present, caring, loving father.

4. Secret:ry?

Fear that he was responsible for his wife’s death prevents him from accepting his daughter as she is and really letting her into his life.

5. Flaw:?

His immense wealth and power gives him no idea he’d ever lose to anyone.

6. Special:

He was always the golden boy, succeeding in everything. He broke the ‘rules’ took a huge risk marrying a black woman and when she was ‘unfaithful’ he flipped out and also abandoned their daughter to focus on making money which he could count on. The ‘failure’ was too much for him to stay with.

PLOT OUTLINE (with Profile action motives in CAPS)

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his high-powered biz Mother who is too involved in his life. NIA: KIND/HOPEFUL

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community, most are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do except Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions. NIA:Passive/Flaw

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show is ending and Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife. D: PARADOX – WANTS TO AVOID HER AND THE MEMORIES BUT LONGS TO BE A FATHER

MEMORY – IMAGE – D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING. (CONTINUOUS)

Bill interrupts Darough’s reverie with his concerns about these weird out of towners. D: SUPREMELY CONFIDENT – SAYS NOT TO WORRY HE CAN CONTROL THAT – MONEY TALKS

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia meets Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe. NIA: KIND/HOPEFUL – HAPPY TO MEET A NEW PERSON, FEELS SOME FAMILIARITY. AGREES TO GO. D: NEED – WANTING TO BE A DAD

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her. NIA: HOPEFUL/WANT (PERFECT FATHER) HUGS HIM AND CRIES. D: NEED (LOVE)

INT. FLASHBACK

Nia has a happy flashback of herself (3) with her Mother and Darrogh watching, smiling. WANT – PERFECT FAMILY

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE (CONTINUOUS)

D hints that Amahla (Nia’s mother) let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good. D: SECRET/SPECIAL NIA: PASSIVE/SELF CENSORING- AGREES EVEN AS IT DOESNT FEEL RIGHT.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

Nia says goodbye to the troupe to stay with her father, Luciana urges caution but Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. NIA: HOPEFUL/PARADOX FAMILY LOYALTY ABOVE ALL VS COMMUNITY SHE APOLOGIZES EVEN AS SHE LEAVES

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself making her feel special and loved. D: GREEDY/SUSPICIOUS AND FLAW

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’, Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her. NIA: IN DENIAL/WANT/FLAW/SECRET

EXT. STREET – SAME TIME

Bill is observing them.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun says he can’t let her be too close – she takes over – the classic Chinese Tiger Mother. NIA:PRINCIPLED/PARADOX – FAMILY LOYALTY

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE (CONTINUOUS)

Nia, listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal to his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen. NIA: PRINCIPLED/PARADOX/WANT

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly. NIA: SPECIAL (HIDDEN STRENGTH VIA HER MOTHER’S SPIRIT)

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother. NIA: PRINCIPLED/PARADOX D: FLAW/SECRET

INT. FLASHBACK

A scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

D apologizes – he is anxious about the land deal – it means so much to him. He brushes off her concerns.

D: LONELY/WANT-NEED/FLAW NIA: WANT

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia, shaken by her memory, meets Luciana who tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then did the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do. NIA: WANT-NEED/ PARADOX SHE AGREES TO GO KNOWING THERE IS MORE TO ALL THIS AND FEELING GUILTY SHE IS GOING BEHIND HER FATHER’S BACK

EXT. FROM A ROAD SIDE

Bill observes them from afar with binoculars..

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him, still hopeful he’ll change. NIA: PRINCIPLED/SPECIAL/PARADOX

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (who is sweet on Nia) says his mother can help set that up being very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. Before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. She will send some advice for the fake business proposal. . NIA: PRINCIPLED/SPECIAL

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE – 3 DAYS LATER

Rehearsal (with a script) of the ‘businessmen’ for the meeting with Darrogh. NIA: SPECIAL (IN HER GROOVE MOTHER’S SPIRIT)

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 4 DAYS LATER

The ‘Businessmen’ meet with Darrogh, who is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers to have the biggest landfill ever made. D: GREEDY/SMOOTH/WANT/FLAW

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY

Bill tells Darrogh he has seen Luciana and Nia together a lot and he knows that Luciana and Darrogh have a history – suspects they are old lovers. D laughs, it’s no-one’s business but L did him wrong years ago. Thanks him for keeping an eye on his daughter. D: FLAW/SECRET

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He confronts Nia about seeing so much of Luciana. Bill told him. Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time, and she leaves the room. D: FLAW/SECRET/WANT-NEED NIA: INDENIAL-SELF-CENSORING/SERET/PARADOX

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia texting Shaun when Darrogh bursts in, says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. Kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with. D: SUSPICIOUS/SECRET/PARADOX NIA: INDENIAL/SELFCENSORING/SECRET/WANT SHATTERED

INT. FLASHBACK

As she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust but tells them about Bill spying on them and will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother who agrees to come in person next week because she likes the sting project. NIA: INDENIAL/SELFCENSORING/SECRET/WANT SHATTERED/FLAW

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. He is still not sure, tells them to wait. D: GREEDY/SMOOTH/WANT/FLAW

EXT. THE FIELD – SAME TIME

Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right. NIA: SECRET/IN DENIAL

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D so she left hoping they’d make it. NIA: SECRET/IN DENIAL/WANT-NEED

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust.. NIA: WANT/NEED,

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Bill is lurking and Nia calls him out – warning him to leave her and Luciana alone – for the first time taking a stand. NIA: PRINCIPLED/PARADOX/SPECIAL

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’, lead by Min, meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him. D: GREEDY/SMOOTH/WANT/FLAW

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back. NIA: SELF-CENSORING/WANT/NEED/SECRET

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it. NIA: PRINCIPLED/SPECIAL/NEED (THE TRUTH) SECRET – IS OVER -REALIZES SHE DOESN’T NEED THEM/HIM

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

3 of the men at the meeting run Bill out of town.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

D alone at his desk. Tries to call Nia, no answer. D: LONELY/SECRET

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

Min and Luciana over coffee discuss how to make sure D comes to the play. – a special invite, a naming event at the landfill, and Nia will see him there.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – 1 WEEK LATER – ON STAGE

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia). D: FLAW IS IN HIS FACE/WANT IS SLIPPING AWAY

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – IN THE AUDIENCE

D makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do. Luciana challenges D to stay for the end of the performance by his daughter. D takes his seat loudly sure Nia will take his side. D: SUPREMELY CONFIDENT/FLAW/SPECIAL

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told. NIA: PRINCIPLED/NEED LIVED OUT/PARADOX (COMMUNITY OVER FAMILY)

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – AFTER THE PERFORMANCE

D, heartbroken, appalled, slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake. D: LONELY/NEED/FLAW REVEALED EVEN TO HIM/SECRET REVEALED

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – LATER

Shaun had played a key role in the performance and Min saw him in a new way, appreciating the life he has chosen.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability as some had hoped for years. Nia thanks them all for everything – she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here. NIA: HOPEFUL/KIND/PRINCIPLED

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis visits her father one last time and he pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but says he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free and independent. She refuses the car he offers for her travels. NIA: KIND/SPECIAL/NEED (THE TRUTH) SECRET – IS OVER -REALIZES SHE DOESN’T NEED THEM/HIM

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Nia walks out the door and down the grand driveway. NIA: SPECIAL

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone, the Troupe is packing up, Luciana and Min helping. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, Luciana gives Nia a letter to read later and Nia and Shaun leave on the bus as they had arrived.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back. NIA: KIND/SPECIAL/NEED (THE TRUTH)

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Translated/Full out Characters

What I learned is it feels a bit stiff and imposed. There were a few aha’s and I am curious to see what/how it works when writing the scenes. I suspect not these exact words but perhaps the relationship will be richer/more dimentional.

Situation: INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

Darrogh confronts Nia about seeing so much of Luciana. Bill told him. Tells her Luciana caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time, and she leaves the room.

CHARACTER 1 DARROGH

WHAT WOULD A GREEDY PERSON DO OR SAY?

Luciana took your Mother away, she won’t take you.

WHAT WOULD A VERY CONFIDENT PERSON DO OR SAY?

This is for your own good

I’m your father

I have your best interests at heart

I know you’ll see it my way

WHAT WOULD A SMOOTH PERSON DO OR SAY?

I know this is hard for you

Luciana comes across as kind but be wary of her

Touches her face gently

WHAT WOULD A SUSPICIOUS PERSON DO OR SAY?

This community turned you against me.

Maybe you like that kind of stuff.

WHAT WOULD A (SUBTEXT) LONELY PERSON DO OR SAY?

I don’t need you but I’m willing to help you.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE THE BIGGEST/BEST BUT NEEDS LOVE DO OR SAY?

I can give you anything you want – all I ask is your loyalty as my daughter.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WITH SO MUCH MONEY THEY HAVE NO IDEA HE’D EVER LOSE SAY OR DO?

Deep down you know I’m right.

Of course you can see what kind of person Luciana is.

You’ll come round.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO WAS ALWAYS THE GOLDEN BOY WHO HAD RISKED EVERYTHING AND ‘LOST’ SAY OR DO?

I didn’t ruin our lives.

I wanted everything to work out.

I gave her everything.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO DEEP DOWN FEARED THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS WIFE’S DEATH SAY OR DO?

You have to believe me – I’m your father.

It doesn’t matter what happened back then.

It wasn’t my fault.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO VALUES BEING INDEPENDENT AND ALSO WANTS TO BE A LOVING FATHER SAY OR DO?

I don’t need you but as your father I want the best for you

CHARACTER 2 NIA

WHAT WOULD A KIND PERSON DO OR SAY?

Dad I’m sorry to hurt your feelings.

That must have been so hard

She hugs him.

WHAT WOULD A HOPEFUL PERSON DO OR SAY?

Are you sure you’re right about that?

WHAT WOULD A PASSIVE PERSON DO OR SAY?

I can’t deal with this right now.

She leaves the room.

WHAT WOULD A PRINCIPLED PERSON DO OR SAY?

I need to ask Lucania about this.

WHAT WOULD A (SUBTEXT) IN-DENIAL/SELF-CENSORING PERSON DO OR SAY?

there must be some mistake.

I can’t talk to you about this now

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO WANTS THE PERFECT FATHER BUT NEEDS THE TRUTH DO OR SAY?

Dad I know you are a good man but I can’t believe that’s really true.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WITH A CHRONIC DESIRE TO PLEASE AND TAKE CARE OF OTHER’S FEELINGS AND NEEDS SAY OR DO?

Please – I need some time.

Oh Dad, no wonder you had to go away – I understand.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO ALMOST FEELS HER MOTHER TALKING TO HER AND FEELS IS PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN HER CURRENT FAMILY WITH A HIDDEN STRENGTH DEEP WITHIN HER SAY OR DO?

Something doesn’t feel right about any of this.

She sits in meditation.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO WAS A PART BLACK CHILD GROWING UP WITH THE IRISH AMERICAN GRANDPARENTS AND ALWAYS FELT SHE OWED HER VERY EXISTENCE TO THE FAMILY SHE HAD AND WAS NO-ONE WITHOUT THEM SAY OR DO?

Please don’t be angry with me – you’re my dad, I love you.

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE FOR WHOM FAMILY LOYALTY IS EVERYTHING VS COMMUNAL SOCIAL VALUES AND BEHAVIOR SAY OR DO?

I know that must have been awful for you but if she and Luciana really loved each other…

KEEPING THESE:

DARROGH:

Luciana took your Mother away, she won’t take you.

This is for your own good.

I know you’ll see it my way.

Touches her face gently.

This community turned you against me.

I can give you anything you want – all I ask is your loyalty as my daughter.

Deep down you know I’m right.

I gave her everything.

It wasn’t my fault.

You have to believe me – I’m your father.

NIA:

She hugs him.

Are you sure you’re right about that?

I can’t deal with this right now.

She leaves the room.

I need to ask Lucania about this.

Oh Dad, no wonder you had to go away – I understand.

Dad I know you are a good man but I can’t believe that’s really true.

She sits in meditation.

Please don’t be angry with me – you’re my dad, I love you.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S CHARACTER CHEMISTRY.

What have I learned from this assignment is that a lot of these things were instinctual and hard to name specifically but helpful to do so. It only takes a couple of areas that connect to create the chemistry – I don’t need them all for each relationship. I also realize I really need a scene between Darrogh and Luciana…. it’s been knocking at the door..

TOP FIVE CHARACTERS

Nia, Darrogh, Luciana, Shaun, Min

PROTAGONIST/ANTAGONIST – NIA/DARROGH

A. Common ground / similarities.

Amahla – Daughter/iusband

His parents/her grandparents

B. Differences that create conflict.

age

values

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

wanting to be close/family ties

D. Need fulfillment 0

PROTAGONIST/SUPPORTING CHARACTER – NIA/LUCIANA

A. Common ground / similarities.

Amahla ( Nia’s mother) – although Nia doesn’t know that for a while

Darrogh- complicated relationship with him – end up in the same side opposing

to save the land and community

B. Differences that create conflict.

secrets (at first) re Amahla’s relationship with Luciana

Nia wants to give D a chance Vs for L he has no chances left

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Nia ends up opposing D – they team up together against him

D. Need fulfillment

family – belonging

love

PROTAGONIST/SUPPORTING CHARACTER – NIA/SHAUN

A. Common ground / similarities.

theatre troupe

help the community

mis-understanding their parents

B. Differences that create conflict.

his very over-caring Mother – her vey absent parents

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

performing the play together

D. Need fulfillment

to be brave and face the truth of their families

ANTAGONIST/SUPPORTING CHARACTER – DARROGH/LUCIANA

A. Common ground / similarities.

loved Amahla – also cause of conflict

B. Differences that create conflict.

Amahla

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

punishing each other, fighting over the loyalty/love of not just Amahla but also Nia

D. Need fulfillment 0

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS – LUCIANA/MIN

A. Common ground / similarities.

strong,successful women

non-anglo women

each have a young person in their life they care about

B. Differences that create conflict. – O

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

sticking it to Darrogh

D. Need fulfillment

friendship/support

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Character Arc

What I learned doing this assignment is having a character with a very clear fear/need and tracking that character through that really helps focus and move the story. And it was a relief to see I had already kinda done that with my lead/protagonist.

1. THE ISSUE

Nia’s wants to believe her father is wonderful and but fears he might not be – she has been told he was so sad after the death of Amahla that he had to leave, that she reminded him too much of her Mother, that he is doing good things in the world. Deep down she has repressed memories of the terrible fight when he that threw Amahla out. She is fearful it is not a loving family and she is somehow the cause of it.

2. ESCALATING CHALLENGES

Challenge 1

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself making her feel special and loved. She agrees but sneaks off to meet Luciana

Challenge 2

Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. Nia rejects the offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father. She believes he is a good person and he loves her.

Challenge 3

Darrogh is going to develop a massive landfill, Nia promises will try and help, appeal to his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

Challenge 4

Nia tries to talk with him, he belittles her and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.

FLASHBACK to parents’ terrible fight

Challenge 5

Luciana tells Nia more about the truth of her parents’ relationship

Challenge 6

Nia becomes involved in the ‘sting’ project but still believes her Father will change

Challenge 7

D loses it with Nia for seeing too much of ‘those town people’ and throws her out of the house. She goes back to the Troupe camp

FLASHBACK to when he kicked her Mother out.

Challenge 8

Nia gets the rest of truth about her parents and finds out she has been lied to by her grandparents/ father.

FLASHABCK to the pivotal memory she had suppressed.

Challenge 9

D invites Nia to lunch – he is sorry he threw her out. She doesn’t go.

Challenge 10

Nia comes up with the idea and then performs the play that exposes the sting/con and also calls him out on how he ‘killed’ her Mother.

Challenge 11

Nia forgives him but won’t take him in and leaves to go on with her life.

3. THE TRANSFORMATION

Nia faces her fear – and sees the truth of her father, he is not a good, loving man and her parents didn’t have a perfect relationship – and she realizes she doesn’t need that fantasy – she is strong and capable as herself.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Characters Live!

What I learned from this is how helpful to take a moment to actually write a description of the character as if writing a book – and with everything else we have developed, who she is helps bring her into the room! I can’t wait to bring each of the others in. And doing this also meant I got to start to find the supporting/background characters I need.

OPENING SCENE – LUCIANA AND THE TOWN MEETING

INT.CHURCH HALL MEETING ROOM

A rectangular room with a wooden floor, a long table against a wall, set up with 2 hot water urns, disposable cups, a can of instant coffee and homemade cookies.

A rickety wooden table sits up front with 3 chairs at it, facing an assortment of wooden chairs in uneven rows.

A large TV screen incongruously sits on a smaller table next to the large one, a laptop beside it.

Variously on the walls is the American flag, a wooden crucifix, old photos of the community, including a fierce-looking old Mexican farmer with a small girl holding his hand staring directly at the camera from under a wide-brimmed hat – Luciana and her grandfather.

About 30 people mostly men in the 30-60s mill about, obviously waiting for something to begin.

A large plain clock with black hands is prominent in the room saying 7.10.

A group of three 40+ men are making their coffee.

IAN

Well, I’m sick of it I can tell you.

BOB

It’s time to do something. It can’t go on like this.

IAN

It’s a slow drip, drip wearing us all away.

BOB

What do you think Stephen?

STEPHEN

Totally agree. Paul lost his place last week.

BOB

What do you mean, ‘lost’?

STEPHEN

He got it. Came in and made an offer Paul couldn’t say no to.

BOB

I guess that big new supply store killed Paul’s old hardware store. It might be a few more miles but…

INT.CHURCH HALL MEETING ROOM (CONTINUOUS)

A younger man and woman sitting in the front row with their coffee in personal re-usable mugs.

SUSAN

I really hate those styrofoam cups. I can’t believe people still use them.

LUIS

They’re cheap and in this town…

SUSAN

They’re not sustainable.

LUIS

Si, and neither is this. Where is Luciana?

INT.CHURCH HALL MEETING ROOM (CONTINUOUS)

2 older men seated off to the side, one clearly agitated.

HAROLD

She might be our Mayor but she’s still a woman and never on time.

DAVE

You gotta give it to her, she’s a fighter.

HAROLD

I can’t get used to it. I know she’s old Jose’s grand-daughter but she’s still -.

He is interrupted as Sylvie, his wife, comes and sits beside him.

SYLVIE

Harold? Are you still going on about Luciana? She stepped up when no one else would.

DAVE

I wouldn’t take her on, that’s for sure. She’s ferocious when she gets going.

SYLVIE

It’s not just the ranch that’s got her back up. There’s something else about him.

HAROLD

Cold he is, and mean. But what can we do?

SYLVIE

Luciana has something in mind. She called this meeting.

HAROLD

And she’s l -.

The door springs open and LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3″ s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair busts in.

She is preceded by Hades, her black Mexican Hairless dog, big for the breed, and very alert. They make straight for the 3 chairs at the table, Hades leaping onto one and sitting regarding the room over the table.

Luciana sets down a large bag, pulls out a stack of papers and sits. A tall, bespectacled man of about 40 emerges from the crowd and joins her as everyone finds a seat and quiet falls. He addresses the crowd.

FRANCIS

Ok, ok! Mayor Sanchez is here. Let’s get started. Luciana?

LUCIANA

Hola! Los siento, estoy tarde. It’s been a day!

She flashes a huge smile.

LUCIANA

Bienvenidos! This is not a real town hall meeting, just a meeting to see an idea!

She sweeps her unruly hair back and stands dramatically.

I know we are all tired and anxious about what is happening to our town. It is more than we can bare, our hearts are heavy, our rage is building. Do we stay silent? Do we watch our land being swallowed by this greedy developer who perches like a vulture waiting for the lambs to fall?

The crowd is stirred and variously shout ‘No’ etc. She leans forward, her ample bosom crowding her tight red dress.

LUCIANA

We fight him! We help each other, find ways to keep each old ranch, every casita, all the new young families and nuestros viejos – our old ones – here with us.

The crowd is really excited now. Luciana sweeps her eyes over the crowd, including everyone in an intimate immediate way.

LUCIANA

So, tonight we make ideas, we consider the ways we can bring the money we need to say ‘NO’ when he comes to the door – a wolf in sheep clothing – saying ‘I can help you’ when he really means ‘I will take all you have’.

They cheer.

LUCIANA

Luis?

The young man waves his hand in the air.

LUCIANA

Luis and Susan – our brave young ones – they have un muy buen plan! A way we can make this place work for all of us. But we must hold out against this Darough, just un poco mas largo. Si?

They all cheer in agreement.

LUCIANA

So! First we hear Luis and Susan then into little groups and we plan.

She pulls her chair to one side, whistles Hades to her, who sits on her lap not taking his eyes off the room. The table is open to Luis and Susan, who make their way up.

LUIS

Gracias, Luciana. Everyone. We can survive here without changing everything, we can be sustainable. Francis? Is the video ready?

FRANCIS

Ready to go!

Francis crosses to the laptop and TV screen, Luciana smiles warmly at him. Luis moves to the other side.

SUSAN

I’ll turn the lights off.

She runs to the wall and switches off the lights as the TV screen comes to life.

Luciana claps her hands with authority. Hades barks once.

LUCIANA

Todos ustedes miren esto!

SUSAN

Or for those whose Spanish is rusty ‘All of you watch this’!

LUCIANA

Lo siento… when I am excited – my English..

She shrugs with a grin as the crowd laughs, stills and the video begins.

END SCENE

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S DUELING AGENDAS

What did you learn from this assignment is that I am a bit wordy,(get out a cup of coffee to read this) I love subtext, Iove the unfolding of the relationship via the agendas, and I begin to see/hear them as if they are people I know. And seeing it helps – what each does (or doesn’t do) is also the subtext.

Name: NIA

Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Passive, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Subtext: Avoiding, denying, protecting her dream, uncomfortable with the familiarity and closeness

Name: LUCIANA

Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing)

Subtext: wanting closeness – a child of her own, to keep her from Darrogh to both protect her and punish him, hiding her first connection to Darough through Nia’s mother.

NOTE: This is the 3rd meeting between Luciana and Nia, a couple of days after Nia had arrived, found her long-lost father and moved in with him.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.

Nia rushes in, hurrying, excited, happy, looking around.

Luciana sees her, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose. Waves to her. Nia smiles and comes over.

LUCIANA

Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?

She gestures to the bench next to her. Nia sits.

NIA

Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.

LUCIANA

No, my treat. Anything special?

NIA

No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.

LUCIANA

They have oat milk if that’s what you want!

NIA

Then yes, yes thank you.

LUCIANA

Here, for you. I’ll go order it.

She gives Nia small package. Nia hesitates.

LUCIANA

Open it!

She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved. Luciana returns and sits close next to her.

LUCIANA

She’s beautiful, no?

NIA

Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you.

LUCIANA

Did you have doll as a child?

NIA

Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.

LUCIANA

But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.

NIA

I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.

LUCIANA

How did that happen?

NIA

My mother died, when I was 6 and my father was too sad to stay. So… But, and you know, I’ve found him now.

LUCIANA

Yes, you have…

The waitress brings Nia’s coffee. Nia puts the doll in her bag.

LUCIANA

Gracias.

Nia takes a sip, it is a special Mexican mix, not quite what Nia expected but good.

LUCIANA

It is good, yes?

NIA

Yes, different but you’re right. Very good.

LUCIANA

If you don’t like it, that’s ok.

NIA

No, I do. I do.

LUCIANA

You don’t like to upset people, do you?

NIA

Well, no. Why upset people if you don’t have to?

LUCIANA

Sometimes it is necessary.

NIA

Not often. Usually, it works out.

LUCIANA

And if it doesn’t?

NIA

It always does.

Nia is holding the mug in both her hands when her hair falls forward.

Luciana reaches out and pushes it behind her ear before Nia can put her cup down.

Nia sits back, surprised.

Luciana is staring at her.

Nia slides along to the end of the bench seat.

NIA

You said there was something you wanted to tell me.

Luciana sits back quickly, regroups.

LUCIANA

Oh, yes. How is it going with Darrogh?

NIA

My father?

LUCIANA

Yes.

NIA

It’s good. A bit weird, I suppose. I mean, we don’t know each other, but he’s so happy I’m there.

LUCIANA

And you? Are you happy?

NIA

Of course! He’s my father!

LUCIANA

He’s kind to you?

NIA

Yes! I have a beautiful room and there’s a piano I can play.

LUCIANA

It’s only been 2 days.

NIA

You don’t like him, do you Luciana?

LUCIANA

No, I don’t.

Nia concentrates on her mug. Luciana considers what to do.

LUCIANA

I want tell you why.

NIA

Why?

LUCIANA

I don’t want you to be hurt.

NIA

You don’t even know me, why would you care?

LUCIANA

There are men who hurt others, even their daughters. Es una mierda.

NIA

Did he hurt you?

LUCIANA

Si. When he first comes here, Senor McBride, with his big car, and all the money, he starts to corrupt this small quiet town.

NIA

How can he do that?

LUCIANA

He is very charming su padre. What he wants he gets. He has time. He doesn’t hurry. He build that enorme castilio up there, lots of jobs, por un ratito.

NIA

Ratito?

LUCIANA

A little while, not long but enough. Then everyone wants to see in it, he invites them in, fiestas especiales, juegos, tarjetas

NIA

I’m sorry… my Spanish ..

LUCIANA

Ah los siento, when I am excited? … special parties, games, cards.

NIA

Cards?

LUCIANA

Gambling.

NIA

Did you go?

LUCIANA

Oh no, never will I go in that house.

NIA

So how do you know?

LUCIANA

It’s a small town Nia! And mi padre – my father – he go.

NIA

Oh.

LUCIANA

You are such a sweet girl. Something about you …

Luciana puts out her hand and cups Nia’s chin.

Nia retracts her head. Luciana withdraws her hand.

LUCIANA

I grew up on a beautiful ranch, in an old hacienda that was my grandfathers’ and his fathers’. With green fields to the water.

NIA

Like where we’re camped?

LUCIANA

Right there – the house is down on the other side of the hill.

NIA

But you live here in town.

LUCIANA

My father lost it all to your father. And then he died. And Darrogh? He doesn’t live in it, and he won’t let me. Nobody. It is podrida.

NIA

Podrida?

LUCIANA

Rotting.

NIA

Why can’t someone live there?

LUCIANA

That is a question for him. I am just saying to you, be careful mi hija. He will hurt you if you ever cross him.

NIA

Luciana, I’m sorry you lost your family home, but he is my father. He loves me. Whatever sadness he has had, he has me now.

LUCIANA

And when he doesn’t want you any more? Y que?

NIA

I make him happy.

LUCIANA

I don’t have the ranch but I have mi casita. Come, stay with me. Get to know him from my place. You’ll have freedom to come and go as you wish.

Luciana leans forward and takes Nia’s hand.

Nia sits very still then withdraws her hand gently.

NIA

He’s my father. He’s a good person. He’s been alone for a long time. He loves me. I can’t take that away.

LUCIANA.

No, of course you can’t. Los siento.. I’m sorry … you are incomoda.. I see in you belleza so I…

NIA

I understand. It’s ok. I must go. I said I’d be home for lunch.

They both stand.

Nia slides out her side of the bench keeping the table between them.

Nia reaches out her hand to shake with Luciana.

NIA

Thank you for the coffee.

Luciana regards Nia’s hand (it would be a bit of a stretch.)

She lightly blows Nia a kiss.

LUCIANA

Anytime. And come visit any time. Mi casa es tu casa.

Nia nods, smiles politely and leaves.

Luciana stands watching Nia leave without a backward glance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Subtext and Loglines

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is surprisingly hard for me to think in terms of subtext behavior. I get words more easily than actions. I did like the variety of traits and added layers – especially for Darough. His covert (subtext) traits were the ‘weak’ (nicer) things about him.

Name: DARROGH

Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)

Subtext: Suspicious, Lonely

Character Logline: Darrogh is a lonely, suspicious billionaire who wants to buy up all the farmland around the village but is thwarted by his daughter and the locals.

Possible areas of subtext: takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship

Name: NIA

Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Passive, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)

Subtext: In denial, Self-Censoring

Character Logline: Nia is a naive young woman who must find her personal courage to face the truth of her father and family.

Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him.

Name: LUCIANA

Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing)

Subtext: Scheming, Concealing

Character Logline: Luciana schemes to trick the local billionaire in order to save the community’s farmlands and finds ‘family’ in the end

Possible areas of subtext: holds clandestine meetings, butters up the theatre troupe, has been afraid of D until Nia arrives, hides her sexuality, makes sure everyone gets on board – good at political games, careful about how she tells Nia the truth of her family

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Characters

What I learned doing this is that a few more scenes I need to write! It revealed some holes. I also like each of them better. It is helpful to make each of these somehow relate… and each informs/evolves the others.

Character Name: DARROGH

1. Basic character traits:.

Greedy

Supremely confident

Smooth

Lonely

2. Want/Need

He wants to be the biggest and best.

He needs appreciation/love.

3. Paradoxes:

Avoiding pain and loss, by being independent, strong, in charge VS being a present, caring, loving father.

4. Secret:

Fear that he was responsible for his wife’s death prevents him from accepting his daughter as she is and really letting her into his life.

5. Flaw:

His immense wealth and power gives him no idea he’d ever lose to anyone.

6. Special:

He was always the golden boy, succeeding in everything. He broke the ‘rules’ took a huge risk marrying a black woman and when she was ‘unfaithful’ he flipped out and also abandoned their daughter to focus on making money which he could count on. The ‘failure’ was too much for him to stay with.

Character Name: NIA

1. Basic character traits:

Kind

Hopeful

Passive

Principled

2. Want/Need

She wants the perfect idealized father she never had

She needs to know the truth.

3. Paradoxes:

Family loyalty is everything VS communal social values and behavior

4. Secret:

As a part black child growing up with the Irish American grandparents and no relationship with her Mother’s family she has always felt she owed her very existence to the family she had and was no-one without them.

5. Flaw:

A chronic desire to please and take care of other’s feelings and needs.

6. Special:

Nia holds some precious memories of her Mother so she almost feels her talking to her. Even without contact with that family she always felt she was part of something bigger than her current family with a hidden strength deep within her.

Character Name: LUCIANA

1. Basic character traits:

Determination

Courage

Impatience

Longing

2. Want/Need

She wants her old family home restored to her.

She needs an accepting ‘family’ of some kind.

3. Paradoxes

Justice at any costs VS personal safety

4. Secret:

A secret Lesbian hidden in her hometown and culture, and with Darrogh knowing that secret, she has always been very careful not to take him on in any way.

5. Flaw:

She is impatient and calls a fool a fool.

6. Special:

Luciana was told by fortune teller as a young woman that she’d never have a family of her own but would be one who made homes for others.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S EXCHANGE OUTLINE VERSION #1

(late to the party – been at the dentist for days!! open to any critiques and open to offer any)

CONCEPT/LOGLINE:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

PLOT CHOICE

Maturation

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

Protragonist-Antagonist

LEAD CHARACTERS

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history

DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

MAIN CONFLICT

Nia has to come to terms with the truth about her father, both to save the land and free herself of the childhood dream.

DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the idealized vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

THEME:

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us.

CHARACTER ARC

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights

9 BEATS

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

PLOT OUTLINE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his high-powered biz Mother who is too involved in his life.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community, most are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do except Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show is ending and Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

MEMORY – IMAGE

D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING. (CONTINUOUS)

Bill interrupts Darough’s reverie with his concerns about these weird out of towners.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia meets Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her.

INT. FLASHBACK

Nia has a happy flashback of herself (3) with her Mother and Darrogh watching, smiling.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE (CONTINUOUS)

D hints that Amahla (Nia’s mother) let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

Nia says goodbye to the troupe to stay with her father, Luciana urges caution but Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself making her feel special and loved.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’, Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

EXT. STREET – SAME TIME

Bill is observing them.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun says he can’t let her be too close – she takes over – the classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE (CONTINUOUS)

Nia, listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal to his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.

INT. FLASHBACK

A scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

D apologizes – he is anxious about the land deal – it means so much to him. He brushes off her concerns.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia, shaken by her memory, meets Luciana who tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then did the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

EXT. FROM A ROAD SIDE

Bill observes them from afar with binoculars..

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him, still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (who is sweet on Nia) says his mother can help set that up being very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. Before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. She will send some advice for the fake business proposal.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE – 3 DAYS LATER

Rehearsal (with a script) of the ‘businessmen’ for the meeting with Darrogh.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 4 DAYS LATER

The ‘Businessmen’ meet with Darrogh, who is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers to have the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY

Bill tells Darrogh he has seen Luciana and Nia together a lot and he knows that Luciana and Darrogh have a history – suspects they are old lovers. D laughs, it’s no-one’s business but L did him wrong years ago. Thanks him for keeping an eye on his daughter.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He confronts Nia about seeing so much of Luciana. Bill told him. Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time, and she leaves the room.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia texting Shaun when Darough bursts in, says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. Kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

As she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust but tells them about Bill spying on them and will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother who agrees to come in person next week because she likes the sting project.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. He is still not sure, tells them to wait.

EXT. THE FIELD – SAME TIME

Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D so she left hoping they’d make it

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust..

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Bill is lurking and Nia calls him out – warning him to leave her and Luciana alone – for the firts time taking a stand.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’, lead by Min, meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

3 of the men at the meeting run Bill out of town.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

D alone at his desk. Tries to call Nia, no answer.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

Min and Luciana over coffee discuss how to make sure D comes to the play. – a special invite, a naming event at the landfill, and Nia will see him there.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – 1 WEEK LATER – ON STAGE

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia).

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – IN THE AUDENCE

D makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do. Luciana challenges D to stay for the end of the performance by his daughter. D takes his seat loudly sure Nia will take his side.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – AFTER THE PERFORMANCE

D, heartbroken, appalled, slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – LATER

Shaun had played a key role in the performance and Min saw him in a new way, appreciating the life he has chosen.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability as some had hoped for years. Nia thanks them all for everything – she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis visits her father one last time and he pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but says he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free and independent. She refuses the car he offers for her travels.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Nia walks out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone, the Troupe is packing up, Luciana and Min helping. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, Luciana gives Nia a letter to read later and Nia and Shaun leave on the bus as they had arrived.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

please feel free to jump in

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Pass 10: Essence Only

What I learned is breaking each ‘big’ scene in to mini scenes gives a clearer, more interesting story and also more time/opportunity for character development.

LOGLINE:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

MAIN CONFLICT

Nia has to come to terms with the truth about her father, both to save the land and free herself of the childhood dream.

DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the idealized vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

THEME:

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us.

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his high-powered biz Mother who is too involved in his life.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community, most are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do except Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show is ending and Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

MEMORY – IMAGE

D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING. (CONTINUOUS)

Bill interrupts Darough’s reverie with his concerns about these weird out of towners.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia meets Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her.

INT. FLASHBACK

Nia has a happy flashback of herself (3) with her Mother and Darrogh watching, smiling.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE (CONTINUOUS)

D hints that Amahla (Nia’s mother) let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

Nia says goodbye to the troupe to stay with her father, Luciana urges caution but Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself making her feel special and loved.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’, Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

EXT. STREET – SAME TIME

Bill is observing them.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun says he can’t let her be too close – she takes over – the classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE (CONTINUOUS)

Nia, listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal to his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.

INT. FLASHBACK

A scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

D apologizes – he is anxious about the land deal – it means so much to him. He brushes off her concerns.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia, shaken by her memory, meets Luciana who tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then did the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

EXT. FROM A ROAD SIDE

Bill observes them from afar with binoculars..

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him, still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (who is sweet on Nia) says his mother can help set that up being very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. Before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. She will send some advice for the fake business proposal.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE – 3 DAYS LATER

Fehearsal (with a script) of the ‘businessmen’ for the meeting with Darrogh.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 4 DAYS LATER

The ‘Businessmen’ meet with Darrogh, who is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers to have the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY

Bill tells Darrogh he has seen Luciana and Nia together a lot and he knows that Luciana and Darrogh have a history – suspects they are old lovers. D laughs, it’s no-one’s business but L did him wrong years ago. Thanks him for keeping an eye on his daughter.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He confronts Nia about seeing so much of Luciana. Bill told him. Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time, and she leaves the room.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia texting Shaun when Darough bursts in, says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. Kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

As she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust but tells them about Bill spying on them and will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother who agrees to come in person next week because she likes the sting project.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. He is still not sure, tells them to wait.

EXT. THE FIELD – SAME TIME

Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D so she left hoping they’d make it

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust..

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Bill is lurking and Nia calls him out – warning him to leave her and Luciana alone – for the firts time taking a stand.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’, lead by Min, meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

3 of the men at the meeting run Bill out of town.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

D alone at his desk. Tries to call Nia, no answer.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

Min and Luciana over coffee discuss how to make sure D comes to the play. – a special invite, a naming event at the landfill, and Nia will see him there.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – 1 WEEK LATER – ON STAGE

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia).

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – IN THE AUDENCE

D makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do. Luciana challenges D to stay for the end of the performance by his daughter. D takes his seat loudly sure Nia will take his side.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – AFTER THE PERFORMANCE

D, heartbroken, appalled, slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – LATER

Shaun had played a key role in the performance and Min saw him in a new way, appreciating the life he has chosen.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability as some had hoped for years. Nia thanks them all for everything – she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis visits her father one last time and he pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but says he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free and independent. She refuses the car he offers for her travels.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Nia walks out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone, the Troupe is packing up, Luciana and Min helping. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, Luciana gives Nia a letter to read later and Nia and Shaun leave on the bus as they had arrived.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate

What I learned doing this is that the joining moments, the getting from one point to the next is important to keep it from feeling disjointed and patchwork-y. It takes care of those But what happend to..?? and how did..?? times in a film that pull you out of the story. Also makes the character more 3-d. Added an additional character to up the conflict and suspense, and developed a relationship between 2 others who had been in just one relationship.

CHANGES IN CAPS (except of course the slug lines!)

1) OPENING SCENE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia wanders through dreamily over the field and tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his Mother who is way too involved in his life – this far away from New York where she works in high powered business.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community most whom are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do (a Shakespeare). ONE (BILL) IS SUSPICIOUS OF THESE ‘ALTERNATIVE’ YOUNG THEATRE PEOPLE. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions – they bond.

ADDED BILL WHO BECOMES A ‘SPY’ FOR DARROGH

2) INCITING INCIDENT

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show (Midsummer?) is ending and people are having a fine old time. Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife. D flashback to his beautiful young wife. BILL INTERRUPTS THIS REVERIE WITH HIS CONCERNS. D BRUSHES HIM OFF.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia walks into Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, UNDER PRETEXT OF WANTING TO SUPPORT THE TROUPE.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her.

INT FLASHBACK

NIA HAS A HAPPY MEMORY OF HERSELF (3) WITH HER MOTHER, DARROGH WATCHING SMILING

NIA’S HAPPY MEMORY THAT REINFORCES HER BELIEF IN HER FATHER’S SORY

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –

D hints that she let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia says goodbye to the troupe- she wants to stay with her father. Luciana urges caution, he’s not to be trusted. Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. This is his life.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want her mixing with the locals. He wants her to himself. She feels special and loved.

3) BY PAGE 10

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana and Nia meet (clandestinely) – Luciana tells Nia what Darrogh is really like, for example how he cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’ and Nia is a little uncomfortable. Nia rejects an offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person (that’s what her family told her) and that she can help him be better because he loves her. BILL IS OBSERVING THEM.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Mi, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun suggests she mind her own business. He can’t let her be too close – she takes over. The classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. BILL SUGGESTS IT IS NOT A BAD THING – WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?. AN ARGUMENT ENSUES, BILL LEAVES, NOT SEEING NIA. listening incognito at the back of the room

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting – Nia needs some input. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly. She doesn’t reply immediately

5) MID-POINT

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.

INT. FLASHBACK

a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

D APOLOGIZES – HE IS ANXIOUS ABOUT THE LAND DEAL – IT MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM. HE BRUSHES OFF HER CONCERNS.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Luciana and Nia, shaken by her memory, meet at the campsite. Luciana tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do. BILL OBSERVES THEM FROM AFAR.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A SMALL GROUP OF SPECIALLY SELECTED towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. ONE OF THEM IS A RETIRED REAL ESTATE/BUSINESS GUY. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and she is still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (WHO IS SWEET ON NIA) says his mother can help set that up. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. But before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. And perhaps he’ll get this out of his system. She will send a template and some advice for the fake business proposal.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 1 WEEK LATER

The ‘Businessmen meet with Darrogh. He has read the proposal and is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers. He wants the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY

BILL PAYS A VISIT TO DARROGH – HE HAS SEEN LUCIANA AND NIA TOGETHER A LOT. KNOWS THAT LUCIANA AND DARROGH HAVE A HISTORY – SUSPECTS THEY ARE OLD LOVERS. D LAUGHS AT HIM, IT’S NO-ONE’S BUSINESS BUT L DID HIM WRONG YEARS AGO. THANKS HIM FOR KEEPING AN EYE ON HIS DAUGHTER.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

HE CONFRONTS NIA ABOUT SEEING SO MUCH OF LUCIANA. BILL TOLD HIM.Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time. Darrogh says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. He kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

as she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust. TELLS THEM ABOUT BILL SPYING ON THEM. She will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother. Min agrees to come in person because she likes the sting project. It’s still a rather cold businesslike agreement.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. All Darrogh has to do is buy in and he will be set for life. He is still not sure. Tells them to wait. Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

7) CRISIS

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. MIN AND LUCIANA HIT IT OFF. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others. He is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. NIA SEES IN MIN/LUCIANA COMFORT LEVEL WHAT SHE FEARS – HER FATHER IS RIGHT.

MIN AND LUCIANA HAVE BECOME FRIENDS

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved Darogh SO SHE LEFT HOPING THEY’D MAKE IT

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust..

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

BILL IS LURKING AND NIA CALLS HIM OUT – WARNING HIM TO LEAVE HER AND LUCIANA ALONE.

FIRST TIME NIA USES SOME AUTHORITY

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’ lead by Min meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. They agree. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

3 OF THE MEN AT THE MEETING RUN BILL OUT OF TOWN.

8) CLIMAX

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

D ALONE AT HIS DESK. TRIES TO CALL NIA, NO ANSWER.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

MIN AND L OVER COFFEE DISCUSS HOW TO MAKE SURE D COMES TO THE PLAY. – A SPECIAL INVITE, A NAMING EVENT AT THE LANDFILL, AND NIA WILL SEE HIM THERE.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING- 1 WEEK LATER

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia). He is furious and makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do – except let the world know what a fool he has been.

LUCIANA DARES? SHAMES? D TO STAY FOR THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE – BY HIS DAUGHTER.

D takes his seat again, stunned into compliance and loudly sure his daughter will take his side.

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia as Des (looking like Amahla). She ends with a little speech calling him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

He is heartbroken, appalled, and slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

Shaun plays a key role in the performance and Min sees him in a new way – appreciating the life he has chosen, and she has bonded with the troupe.

9) RESOLUTION

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. It has been a dream of some of them over the years and now it is possible. Nia thanks them all for everything and they her. She says she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis visits her father one last time. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but also tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. He offers to give her a car for her travels. She refuses and says goodbye, walking out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone. Troupe packing up, LUCIANA AND MIN HELPING. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, LUCIANA GIVES NIA A LETTER TO READ LATER and Nia and Shaun leave as they had arrived.

VOICE OVER as the bus drives off through the winding road

LETTER FROM LUCIANA TELLING NIA NOT TO WORRY ABOUT DARROGH, THAT BECAUSE SHE LOVED NIA’S MOTHER WHO LOVED DARROGH AND GAVE BIRTH TO NIA, SHE WILL FIND HIM A PLACE AT THE RANCH SHE NOW HAS BACK.

THE END

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Pass #8: Clichè Busting!

i WHAT I LEARNED: Interesting to find new ways to the subtext that also subtly evolves/adds depth-context the characters.

CHOSEN SCENE: (#1) Nia’s Breakfast appeal, to D for the town, belittling/dismissive of her, ‘like her mother’ (MidPoint)

PURPOSE: keep subtext of Nia seeing the dismissive ugly side of her father to her personally. His attachment to money over all

IDEAS:

A. in the garden, a mouse in a trap still alive, Nia wants to let it go. D says why? it’s just a mouse, lots of them. gives her a talk about the survival of the fittest like in this village. She suggests that everyone has the right to survive regardless of wealth – he laughs -says You’r’ so like your mother. and it is a cryptic remark. She doesn’t ask about the landfill at this time.

B. Nia asks him to tell her something about her Mother – he launches into how soft she was, didn’t understand money and how she always thought the little people needed help. Warns her not to be sucked into this community they are all out for something from him. Don’t be soft like your Mother.

C. Nia reading the paper about a philanthropist helping out a small community. How cool her dad could do the same. he dismisses that as soft nonsense – people will take advantage of you – nothing is free. Mentions that her Mother was always wanting to give everything away.

CHOSEN SCENE: (#2) 1)Ds first moment seeing Amahla through Nia (Inciting Incident)

PURPOSE: keep subtext of D loving Amahla and how like her Nia is

IDEAS.

A. Nia throws flowers to the crowd and D catches one. She smiles right at him – he is transported back to a

smiling Amahla with armful of flowers

B. Nia acting on stage – D suddenly sees Amahla singing on stage – the words overlap so it seems Nia is singing. Amahla blows kisses to him and he kisses his hand back to her. Comes to and he is about to blow a kiss to Nia who is oblivious. Luciana is watching him carefully.

C. D back at his house alone after the show -pulls out an old photo stares – hears Amahla’s voice asking him to take care of her baby – recalls a fun warm moment with the three of them, Nia about 3, Amahla dead spit of Nia now

CHOSEN SCENE: (#3) 1)Luciana’s telling of D overhearing conversation with A and L (Crisis)

PURPOSE: how memory/truth can be erased by the stories we are told

IDEAS

A. As Luciana tells Nia it is interspersed with memories of her grandmother telling little Nia a different story

B. as Luciana begins Nia suddenly recalls being in the room and seeing it all, as her parents and L fought it out

C. Nia starts to say No No to L, L leads her through as process to allow herself to remember. L knew she was there.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned doing this is that sometimes the backstory needs to come to the forefront to really payoff at the end, and to make that clear through current journey of the protagonist. It makes even the bad guy more palatable…Also that a payoff can relate to several set ups.

ACT ONE

SP CHAIN 1: Darrogh devouring the land

Setup: all lost something to D

Payoff 1: Act2 Nia hears about the ‘buy out’ from D

Payoff 2: Act2 Plan to set up sting operation (also new set up #16)

Pay off 3: Act2 D wants more land – biggest landfill ever (SP #12)

SP 2: Nia Moving to this area

Setup: Nia can imagine living there

Payoff 1:Nia leaves on the bus as she had arrived

SP CHAIN 3: Mother too much in Shaun’s life

Setup: Shaun wants to get away from his Mother

Payoff 1: Min wants to come see the show/ Shaun says no

Payoff 2: Act1Shaun offers his Mom can help set up the sting

Payoff 3: Act3 Shaun asks Min to come help inperson and she agrees (and SP#16)

Payoff 4: Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye

SP CHAIN 4: Bonding

Setup: Luciana-Nia bond

Payoff 1:Act2 Luciana tells Nia some of the truth assures will always be there for her (and SP #10)

Payoff 2: Act3 Luciana tells Nia the truth they weren’t lovers D just thought they were

SP CHAIN 5: Mothers and Daughters*** the one that vastly evolved

Setup: D sees Nia Living image of her mother -flashback to when they met. How Happy

Payoff 1:D tells Nia about her beautiful mother (FB Nia as a baby) and hints she let him down

Payoff 2: Act2. D says she is too much like her bleeding heart mother

Payoff 3:Act 2 D kicks her out of the house saying you’ve let me down just like your mother

Payoff 4: Act3 Performs the Desdemona killing in ‘tell all’ scene of the play

SP CHAIN 6 Moving in with Dad

Setup: Nia leaves troupe to live with Father

Payoff 1: Act2.Nia goes back to the troupe after being kicked out

Payoff 2: Act3. Nia leaves with troupe (and SP#2)

SP CHAIN 7 False Hopes

Setup: Nia assures Luciana it will be fine

Payoff 1: Act2 Nia sees ugly side of D #1 (also PO to #14 and SP#9

Payoff 2: Act2 after sting op idea Nia still hopeful he’ll change

Payoff 3: Act2 D kicks Nia out of the house

SP 8: Confusing love

Setup: Nia uncomfortable with Luciana – she is too close too soon

Payoff 1: Act2 D tells Nia Luciana and her Mother were lovers.

SP CHAIN 9: I can make him the good father

Setup: says she can help D be better because he loves her – he’s good inside

Payoff 1: Act2 Nia sees ugly side of D #1 (also PO to #14 and SP#7)

Payoff 2: Act2 after sting op idea Nia still hopeful he’ll change (and SP#7 and #13)

Payoff 3: Act2 D kicks Nia out of the house (and SP#7)

Payoff 4: Act3 Nia walks away from D knowing she cant change him, doesn’t want to and doesn’t need him

SP CHAIN 10: Wanting Unconditional Love

Setup: wishes she had that kind of love/care/attention

Payoff 1: Act2 Luciana tells Nia some of the truth assures will always be there for her (and SP#4)

Payoff 2: Act3 Luciana promises Nia she will always have a home there

SP CHAIN 11 New Views

Setup: Min takes over acc. to Shaun

Payoff 1: Act3 Min gets on well with the troupe – Shn sees her differently – still not happy (and SP#14)

Payoff 2: Act3 Min supports Shs life choices, he will keep her involved.

ACT TWO

SP 12: Meglomania

Setup: going to develop a massive landfill

Payoff 1: Act 2- D- wants biggest landfill ever, so more land (tied to SP #1)

SP CHAIN 13: Doing the Right Thing

Setup: Nia promises Luciana she will help stop it

Payoff 1: Act2 Nia sees ugly side of D #1 (also PO to SP#9 and#14))

Payoff 2: Act2 Nia supports sting op idea

SP CHAIN 14 Seeing the True Person

Setup: Nia say not afraid to get to know D and dares Shaun to get to know his Mom.

Payoff 1: Act2 Shaun invites his mother to come

Payoff 2: Act2 Nia sees ugly side of D #1 (also PO to SP#9 and #13)

Payoff 3: Act2 Min decides not to – he needs room

Payoff 4: Act3 Min gets on well with the troupe – Shn sees her differently – still not happy

(and SP#11)

Payoff 5: Act3 Nia finds out her Mother committed suicide and Ds part in that

Payoff 6: Act3 Nia calls out her father in the play

SP CHAIN 15: Old Memories

Setup: flash back to argument #1

Payoff 1: Act2 Flashback #2 to Mom being kicked out of house

Payoff 2: Act3 Flashback #3 to D misreading the relationship L and A

SP CHAIN 16: Con the Conman

Setup: decide to set up a sting operation

Payoff 1: Act2 Min sends business template for them to use

Payoff 2: Act2 D not interested in (sting) offer -maybe later

Payoff 3: Act2 Shaun asks Min to come help inperson -in a couple of days (and SP#3)

Payoff 4: Act2 D still not sure even with new offer

Payoff 5: Act3 – Min persuades him to sign

Payoff 6: Act3 Nia comes up with the ‘expose all’ play idea (and SP#17)

Payoff 7: Act3 The ‘expose the sting’ -play is performed

ACT THREE

SP Chain 17: Courage to be True to Oneself

Setup: D happy about the landfill deal and invites Nia back

Payoff 1: Nia hesitates -asks fr time

Payoff 2: Nia decides to choose the community

Payoff 3: Nia comes up with the ‘expose all’ play idea (And SP#16)

IMPROVED CHAIN – Nia looking like her Mother and how that reveals her Father’s real relationship with her.

SP CHAIN 5: Mothers and Daughters

Setup: D sees Nia Living image of her mother -flashback to when they met. How Happy

Payoff 1: D tells Nia about her beautiful mother (FB Nia as a baby) and hints she let him down

Payoff 2: Act2. D says she is too much like her bleeding heart mother

Payoff 3:Act 2 D kicks her out of the house saying you’ve let me down just like your mother

Payoff 4: Act3 Performs the Desdemona killing in ‘tell all’ scene of the play

3. Tell us what difference this has made for your outline

We now uncover, without exposition, much more about Nia’s childhood, her parent’s relationship and we see how hurt Darrogh was by the (imagined) wrongdoing, how it has affected him since, and how Nia was told a fantasy about them. Ultimately the scene at the end where Nia plays Desdemona being killed by her husband, really hits home!

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S PASS #6: SUBPLOTS WITH MEANING

What I learned doing this assignment was how fun it is to weave in a second story! And how it strengthens the journey of the protagonist.

SUBPLOT

Shaun – a fellow thespian on the tour (Chinese American)

Min (quick/clever)- his mother, a businesswoman (Chinese)

Shaun resents his mother’s engagement with his life – she doesn’t really approve and thinks he could do more – he is an only child and his father is dead

Nia wishes she had that sort of attention

Min becomes a key part of the success of the sting.

At end when Nia says goodbye to her father Shaun engages with his Mother.

BEATS (for the subplot only)

1. OPENING

A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his Mother who is way too involved in his life – this far away from New York where she works in high powered business.

2. INCITING INCIDENT

Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. This is his life.

3. BY PAGE 10, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS PLOT LINE ABOUT.

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to her, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun suggests she mind her own business. He can’t let her be too close – she takes over. The classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting – Nia needs some input. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly. She doesn’t reply immediately

5. MID-POINT

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun says his mother can help set that up. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. But before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. And perhaps he’ll get this out of his system. She sends a template and some advice for the fake business proposal.

6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2

Nia arrives at the camp having been kicked out by D, she is distraught. D wont sign the deal (Shaun was one of the fake businessmen) and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother. Min agrees to come in person because she likes the sting project. It’s still a rather cold businesslike agreement.

7. CRISIS

Min arrives to be part of the ‘business’ to meet D one more time – and she leads them to victory. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others. He is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy.

8. CLIMAX

Shaun plays a key role in the performance and Min sees him in a new way – appreciating the life he has chosen, and she has bonded with the troupe.

9. RESOLUTION

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved. He leaves on the bus with Nia and the others.

THE PLOT-SUBPLOT OUTLINE

1) OPENING SCENE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia wanders through dreamily over the field and tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his Mother who is way too involved in his life – this far away from New York where she works in high powered business.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community most whom are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do (a Shakespeare). Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions – they bond.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show (Midsummer?) is ending and people are having a fine old time. Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia walks into Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia says goodbye to the troupe- she wants to stay with her father. Luciana urges caution, he’s not to be trusted. Nia assures her it will be fine.

Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. This is his life.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want her mixing with the locals. He wants her to himself. She feels special and loved.

3) BY PAGE 10

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana and Nia meet (clandestinely) – Luciana tells Nia what Darrogh is really like, for example how he cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’ and Nia is a little uncomfortable. Nia rejects an offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person (that’s what her family told her) and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun suggests she mind her own business. He can’t let her be too close – she takes over. The classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. Nia is listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting – Nia needs some input. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say ‘Ok you can come if you really want to’ – not very warmly. She doesn’t reply immediately.

5) MID-POINT.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money.

INT. FLASHBACK

to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Luciana and Nia meet at the campsite. Nia is in shock. Luciana tells her she knew her mother when they were in college back, filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and she is still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun says his mother can help set that up. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. But before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. And perhaps he’ll get this out of his system. She sends a template and some advice for the fake business proposal.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 1 WEEK LATER

The ‘Businessmen meet with Darrogh. He has read the proposal and is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers. He wants the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, he overhears a phone conversation and confronts her. Names Luciana as causing Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia doesn’t believe him. Darrough says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. He kicks her out of the house then and there, with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives at the camp having been kicked out by D, she is distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust. But will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother. Min agrees to come in person because she likes the sting project. It’s still a rather cold businesslike agreement.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have sales agreements from surrounding farms to their company. All Darrogh has to do is buy in and he will be set for life. He is still not sure. Tells them to wait. Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

7) CRISIS

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘business’ to meet D one more time – and she leads them to victory. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others. He is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’ lead by Min meet with Darrogh- he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. They agree. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia realizes that she has to choose and chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

8) CLIMAX

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lea’ with Cordelia). He is furious and makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but the Businesswoman shows him what he has signed and that it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do – except let the world know what a fool he has been.

The is one more scene to be played. D takes his seat again, stunned into compliance and loudly sure his daughter will take his side.

Nia performs the scene from ‘Othello’ when he kills Desdemona, only in this rendition the races are opposite. She ends with a little speech calling him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

He slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

Shaun plays a key role in the performance and Min sees him in a new way – appreciating the life he has chosen, and she has bonded with the troupe.

9) RESOLUTION

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. It has been a dream of some of them over the years and now it is possible. Nia thanks them all for everything and they her. She says she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here and hands her a letter to read later.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis goes to visit her father one last time before she leaves. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but also tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. He offers to give her a car for her travels. She refuses and says goodbye, walking out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone. Nia reads the letter from Luciana – she tells Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back. The theatre troupe’s bus pulls up, she climbs in, Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, and they leave as they had arrived.

[Kate Hawkes]

Subject: Kate’s Pass #5: Action / Reaction

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that there is a definite parallel between the big conflicts and big emotional moments and together they force a change. However not every emotional moment leads to an action – there are many more of those than actions – in that sense they are cumulative. The fear is now clearer and better articulated. I am not discovering much new in terms of actions etc but deepening it and have a feeling that when the dialogue starts those details will emerge.

1. Concept:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

– Protagonist Goal:

Nia wants to have a relationship with her father and that will prove she is loved and belongs

– Protagonist Character Arc:

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

Part to be changed: The naive passive idealist

Biggest fear: Not being loved by her father and being alone

Completion of arc: Calls out the ‘real’ Dad, and through action finds strength and self-respect

– Main Conflict:

Nia has to come to terms with the truth about her father, both to save the land and free herself of the childhood dream.

Sequence the events — from least conflict to most conflict.

Act 1

– Nia says goodbye to the troupe- to stay with her father

– Nia rejects an offer to stay at Luciana’s place

– Nia she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

Act 2

– Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’(but still at Ds house hoping he’ll change)

– Nia proposes the project to troupe – who agree

– Nia goes back to the troupe in the field. (after being kicked out but stays for the sting)

– Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death

– Nia says no to lunch with her father even after he says he’ll do the right thing

– Nia chooses the community.

– comes up with the idea a play specially written to expose the whole story.

Act 3

– play is performed, with Nia as Cordelia from ‘King Lear’.

– Nia performs the scene from ‘Othello’ when he kills Desdemona – ends calling him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had

– Nia says goodbye to the local community

– says goodbye to her father

– refuses the car he offers

– leaves with the troupe on the bus

Sequence the emotional moments — from least challenging to most challenging.

Act 1

– Nia and tells her friends she can imagine living there.

– Nia and Luciana bond.

– Darrogh intro’s self as her Dad

– Nia says goodbye to the troupe- to stay with her father

– Nia uncomfortable with Luciana even as she is drawn to her

– Nia rejects an offer to stay at Luciana’s place

– Nia appalled by her father’s behav to the town

– she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

Act 2

– Father belittles her as being a child and the people of the town

– flashback to memory of scene of parents arguing violently

– gets more info from Luciana on her parents and Ds treatment of her Mother

– Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’(but still at Ds house hoping he’ll change)

– Nia proposes the project to troupe – who agree

– Terrible fight with Father re Luciana etc and is thrown out of his house

– another memory flashback to her Mother being thrown out

– Nia goes back to the troupe in the field.

– bulldozers arrive

– Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death -sees real love for the first time

-finds out her Mother died of suicide – due do cancer and broken heart

– Nia says no to lunch with her father even after he says he’ll do the right thing

– Nia chooses the community.

– comes up with the idea a play specially written to expose the whole story.

Act 3

– play is performed, with Nia as Cordelia from ‘King Lear’.

– Nia performs the scene from ‘Othello’ when he kills Desdemona

– calls him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had

– Nia says goodbye to the local community

– D pleads with her to stay

– Nia says goodbye to her father

– refuses the car he offers

– letter from Luciana saying will take care of D and Nia always has a home here with her.

– leaves with the troupe on the bus with a light heart

Sequence the requirement for change — from comfort to total demand for change.

Act 1

– Nia says goodbye to the troupe- to stay with her father

– Nia uncomfortable with Luciana even as she is drawn to her says No to staying there

– Nia appalled by her father’s behav to the town, she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

Act 2

– flashback to memory of scene of parents arguing violently

– gets more info from Luciana on her parents and Ds treatment of her Mother

– Nia proposes the project to troupe – who agree

– Terrible fight with Father re Luciana etc and is thrown out of his house

– another memory flashback to her Mother being thrown out

– Nia goes back to the troupe in the field. – doesnt know who to trust – runs to the tribe

– Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death -sees real love for the first time

– Nia says no to lunch with her father even after he says he’ll do the right thing

– Nia chooses the community.

Act 3

– Nia performs the scene from ‘Othello’ when he kills Desdemona

– calls him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had

– Nia says goodbye to the local community

– D pleads with her to stay – Nia says goodbye to her father

– refuses the car he offers

– leaves with the troupe on the bus with a light heart

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s NQ 3 and 4

What I learned doing this assignment is the possible perfect visual details that come with each of these moments.

1. Concept.

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent idealized ather wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

2. Emotional Dilemma

Nia has to let go of the idealized vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?

Inciting Incident

Nia leaves troupe camp to go stay with her father, Luciana urges caution, Darrogh makes it clear she needs to choose him or the locals.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up?

– over 3 separate meetings Luciana gradually gives Nia more info about her father’s behavior both in this community and in the past with her Mother.

– Darrogh loses his temper with Nia and she has flashbacks to memories of his yelling at her mother

– Darrogh threatens local community, Nia can help them but still thinks she can bring D around

– he has reaches back out to her – apologizes for yelling, says to come home.

C. When does the protagonist make the choice?

The Resolution is the final test after the Crisis when she calls him out – she still has to choose not to stay and take care of him even after he ask her to.

D. What do they lose in making that choice?

Any chance of having a loving relationship with her father is over. She is heading out on her own and

3. Theme

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us.

A. What are both sides of your theme?

A secret can help us keep a comfortable fantasy alive and we feel safe but are not strong

The truth might be painful but it shows us a personal strength so we can make the best choices for ourselves.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?

Until Nia knows/remembers the full truth of her Mother’s death she keeps thinking that even though he is awful to the people in the community it will be different with her and she can turn him around.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?

When Nia says goodbye to her father she is able to refuse his plea for her to stay and look after him, choosing her life even without having an answer for his future.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S 3rd PASS NQ 1and 2

What I learned doing this is that when you have really lined up the Dramatic Q with the Main Conflict it sort of falls into place. Also, by laying it out with the Plot, scene by scene, I further articulated the action (and thus Conflict) as well as got a sense for what the strongest action choices might be. FUN!

PART I – Q 1-3

1. Tell us your concept.

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

2. Tell us your Dramatic Question:

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?

– FIRST TURNING POINT END ACT 1

• Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh announcing he is going to develop a massive landfill and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area

• Nia promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?

• Darrogh explodes with rage at Nia leading her to flashbacks to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently,

• Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia

• a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’

• but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him, still desperately hopeful he’ll change.

• Darrogh tells Nia Luciana is to blame for her Mother’s death because they were (he says) Lesbians, and when Nia doesn’t believe him, he kicks her out of the house

• leading to another flashback filling in more of Nia’s memory.

• Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and gets the truth (They weren’t lovers – Darrogh just thought they were, although L did truly love A)

= now Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community (as represented by Luciana) whose values she shares

• Nia agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly humiliated and offers that with her troupe to create a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited that will play out the story so he sees the truth.

C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered

– CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the person and father he has been including an eerie scene trading on the fact she looks so like her Mother.

3. Tell us your Main Conflict (The External Action)

Nia has to come to terms with the truth about her father, both to save the land and free herself of the childhood dream.

A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?

BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community but Nia believes she can best help everything by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

• Nia turns away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana because having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

• Nia believes she can best help everything by staying with Darrogh and that she can turn him around.

• Nia is deeply moved by their plight and promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

• Darrogh explodes with rage when Nia tries to talk about the landfill leading to flashbacks to a scene when she was 6

• Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still desperately hopeful he’ll change

• Darrogh realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, who he names as causing Nia’s mother’s death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla and when Nia doesn’t believe him, he kicks her out of the house, leading to another flashback filling in more of Nia’s memory

• Nia gets the whole truth about her Mother’s death and relationship with Luciana, and now has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares

• Darrogh urges Nia to come back to his home with him

• Nia agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly humiliated and with her troupe creates a ‘play’

• from the stage Nia calls him out for the person and father he has been including an eerie scene trading on the fact she looks so like her Mother.

• Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him, she tells him she has to go on with her life and leaves with the acting troupe.

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?

CRISIS

• Nia finds out the truth of her parents’ relationship and her Mothers’ death

• Darrogh agrees to the deal to buy the land for a landfill and wants Nia back ‘home’ promises he’ll take care of everyone

• But she knows she/they can’t trust him – he would destroy the land if the sting didn’t work

• she still has her need to confront him on their personal issues

• Can/will she do it within the ‘reveal of the sting’ play?

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

RESOLUTION

The Play! The ‘sting’ works and is told in the play, publicly exposing D to ridicule

AND Nia does include a scene where she calls out his treatment of her Mother and her.

Finally, refuses his plea for her to take care of him, instead letting Luciana pick that up, and leaves with the troupe to go on with her life.

PART 2 – PLOT/ STRUCTURE (scenes)

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Hispanic Mayor Luciana, discuss how to keep their quiet, gentle town as it is in the face of the greedy developer Darrogh, as a touring Shakespeare company bus arrives on the edge of the town, sets up their campsite and Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land musing to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia wanders through dreamily over the field and tells her friends she can imagine living there.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community most whom are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do (a Shakespeare). Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions – they bond.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets the Irish-American Darrogh (who instantly recognizes her as the image of her long-deceased beautiful African-American mother), and is shocked and thrilled to meet the father whom she has idolized and when he welcomes her into his palatial home, she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana,(who instantly made friends with her) because having a relationship with her father (about whom she has been told so much) means more to her than anything.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show (Midsummer?) is ending and people are having a fine old time. Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia walks into Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia says goodbye to the troupe- she wants to stay with her father. Luciana urges caution, he’s not to be trusted. Nia assures her it will be fine.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want her mixing with the locals. He wants her to himself. She feels special and loved.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community and hints at some other things she knows, making Nia a little uncomfortable with her familiarity and physical closeness, but Nia believes she can best help everything by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana and Nia meet (clandestinely) – Luciana tells Nia what Darrogh is really like, for example how he cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’ and Nia is a little uncomfortable. Nia rejects an offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person (that’s what her family told her) and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting announcing he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week or he threatens another way to get the land and Nia, secretly at the back of the room, is deeply moved by their plight and afterwards promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. Nia is listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen

5) MID-POINT

Darrogh explodes with rage when Nia tries to talk about the landfill, leading her to flashbacks to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently, then later Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, so when a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still desperately hopeful he’ll change.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money.

INT. FLASHBACK

to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Luciana and Nia meet at the campsite. Nia is in shock. Luciana tells her she knew her mother when they were in college back , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and she is still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE FIELD – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the project. They eagerly agree, their tour is about to end and why not? One of them has a mother who is a very experienced hi-end businesswoman and ask her to help make the fake proposal. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, who he names as causing Nia’s mother’s death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla and when Nia doesn’t believe him, he kicks her out of the house, leading to another flashback filling in more of Nia’s memory. Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ – maybe later in the process but when the surveyors and bulldozers arrive, the ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to sell as part of the big land-buy deal Darrogh wants for the world’s largest landfill.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 1 WEEK LATER

The ‘Businessmen meet with Darrogh. He has read the proposal and is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers. He wants the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, he overhears a phone conversation and confronts her.

Names Luciana as causing Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia doesn’t believe him. Darrough says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. He kicks her out of the house then and there, with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE FIELD

Nia goes back to the troupe in the field. She doesn’t know who to trust. But will keep going with the ‘sting’.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have sales agreements from surrounding farms to their company. All Darrogh has to do is buy in and he will be set for life. He is still not sure. Tells them to wait. Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

7) CRISIS

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love, and now has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community (as represented by Luciana) whose values she shares so when Darrogh agrees to the land-buy deal (if the community name the new landfill after him) even though he urges her to come back to his home, she agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly humiliated and with her troupe creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. They agree. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia realizes that she has to choose and chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the person and father he has been including an eerie scene trading on the fact she looks so like her Mother.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lea’ with Cordelia). He is furious and makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but the Businesswoman shows him what he has signed and that it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do – except let the world know what a fool he has been.

The is one more scene to be played. D takes his seat again, stunned into compliance and loudly sure his daughter will take his side.

Instead, Nia performs the scene from ‘Othello’ when he kills Desdemona, only in this rendition the races are opposite. She ends with a little speech calling him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

He slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability while Darrogh, aware that now he has only one chance to show the love he truly felt for Amahla, pleads with Nia to forgive him, which she does and also tells him he must depend on this community because she has to go on with her life. Luciana has given Nia a letter to read, which she does on her return to the Troupe, in which tells Nia that the (returned) ranch is a home for them both, and Nia is now free to leave on the bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. It has been a dream of some of them over the years and now it is possible. Nia thanks them all for everything and they her. She says she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here and hands her a letter to read later.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis goes to visit her father one last time before she leaves. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but also tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. He offers to give her a car for her travels. She refuses and says goodbye, walking out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone. Nia reads the letter from Luciana – she tells Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back. The theatre troupe’s bus pulls up, she climbs in and they leave as they had arrived.

[Kate Hawkes]

Just checking… has anybody else had this? I realise that my 4 Necesary Questions have changed a bit since I first wrote them on Day 4… so I am going to use the revised/evolved ones for this Pass#3, Day 9 Assignment.. (with the first 2 Nec Questions…)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Story Web V2

thank you everyone for the input – it helped me at least to work out what to cram into the 9 sentence thingy!!~ and a couple of great Ahas!! here ya’ go!!

(SAME AS BEFORE)

A. CONCEPT

A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

B. PLOT CHOICE

#12 Maturation

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE Protagonist/Antagonist

D. LEAD CHARACTERS (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history.

E. DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will the community save their land/town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father

F. MAIN CONFLICT

To help save the land Nia has to come to terms with her father

G. DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

H. THEME:

Keeping secrets doesn’t protect, it disempowers and causes greater distress. Knowing the truth frees us

I. CHARACTER ARC Lead Character

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

9 BEATS

(SOME CHANGES BELOW HERE)

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Hispanic Mayor Luciana, discuss how to keep their quiet, gentle town as it is in the face of the greedy developer Darrogh, as a touring Shakespeare company bus arrives on the edge of the town, sets up their campsite and Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land musing to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets the Irish-American Darrogh (who instantly recognizes her as the image of her long-deceased beautiful African-American mother), and is shocked and thrilled to meet the father whom she has idolized and when he welcomes her into his palatial home, she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana,(who instantly made friends with her) because having a relationship with her father (about whom she has been told so much) means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community and hints at some other things she knows, making Nia a little uncomfortable with her familiarity and physical closeness, but Nia believes she can best help everything by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting announcing he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week or he threatens another way to get the land and Nia, secretly at the back of the room, is deeply moved by their plight and afterwards promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

5) MID-POINT

Darrogh explodes with rage when Nia tries to talk about the landfill, leading her to flashbacks to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently, then later Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, so when a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still desperately hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, who he names as causing Nia’s mother’s death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla and when Nia doesn’t believe him, he kicks her out of the house, leading to another flashback filling in more of Nia’s memory. Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ – maybe later in the process but when the surveyors and bulldozers arrive, the ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to sell as part of the big land-buy deal Darrogh wants for the world’s largest landfill.

7) CRISIS

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love, and now has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community (as represented by Luciana) whose values she shares so when Darrogh agrees to the land-buy deal (if the community name the new landfill after him) she agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly humiliated and with her troupe creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the person and father he has been including an eerie scene trading on the fact she looks so like her Mother.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability while Darrogh, aware that now he has only one chance to show the love he truly felt for Amahla, pleads with Nia to forgive him, and when she struggles to tell him he must depend on this community because she has to go on with her life, Luciana tells them that the (returned) ranch is a home for them both, and Nia is now free to leave on the bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Hawkes SLW Version 1

A. CONCEPT

A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

B. PLOT CHOICE

#12 Maturation

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE Protagonist/Antagonist

D. LEAD CHARACTERS (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history.

E. DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will the community save their land/town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father

F. MAIN CONFLICT

To help save the land Nia has to come to terms with her father

G. DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

H. THEME:

Keeping secrets doesn’t protect, it disempowers and causes greater distress. Knowing the truth frees us

I. CHARACTER ARC Lead Character

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

9 BEATS

UPDATED CONCEPT: A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent in the face of thfe greedy Darrogh, as a tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, sets up their campsite and Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land musing to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized and when he welcomes her into his palatial home, she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, because having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community but Nia believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table and Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia sees a nasty side of her father when she tries to talk about the landfill, and Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in on her parents’ terrible relationship and when a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ – maybe later in the process – and when he realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, blames her for causing her mother’s death and kicks Nia out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive so the ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to sell as part of the deal.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh agrees to the deal if the community name the new landfill after him and Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares, and when finally agreeing with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed, with her troupe creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability while Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in, and when she tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the returned ranch because she loved Nia’s mother and will do anything to help her daughter be free to leave on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate’s Story Web Pass 2

1. What I learned doing this assignment is that it is very easy to get completely muddled; that some of the original ideas were good ones but got lost along the way; that the Theme and the Character Arc have to be in alignment.

2. BEFORE:

Concept: A young actress joins forces with a poor rural community to con and expose the greedy developer in their midst who is also her long absent father, setting herself and others free

Lead Characters: Nia and Darrogh

Plot/Structure: #12. Maturation

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

CHARACTER ARC: Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices base on her personal power and strength.

MAIN CONFLICT: Will the town succeed in tricking Darrogh into making the investment and will Nia be have the courage to stand up to him after she has just found him and he is welcoming her into his wealthy life.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: Will the community save their town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father?

DILEMMA: Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father and really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

THEME: It takes great courage to balance personal ethics and morality with a greater duty and need.

DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

These need improvement:

Character Arc – lacked twists and turns – too easy

Main Conflict: a little busy but then the context of the community’s conflict with Darrogh is essential to her personal conflict…SO they are tied together

Theme: not stated well – not the real issue.

2. Take your story logic through Step 2, isolating at least one component of your story and brainstorming and elevating it.

• Main Conflict: Dramatic Triangle – incorporate Luciana more into the mix – she knows all about Nia’s parents relationship and had her own part in that – and she tells Nia some home truths. She is a Mentor to Nia on this journey.

3. Take your story logic through Step 3, comparing and contrasting different components and trying on different ways for them to work together.

• Character Arc with Dilemma – can be richer more complicated

• Theme more related to Character Arc

4. Discoveries

• Create a richer, more detailed backstory for Nia that will be articulated in confrontation with her father

• Concept shifted a little to include the ‘secrets’

5. AFTER

UPDATED CONCEPT: A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

Lead Characters: Nia, and Luciana (Mentor figure) V Darrogh

Plot/Structure: #12 Maturation

Of the 9 beats these are where the changes are. (In Caps)

5) MID-POINT

Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. LUCIANA REVEALS TO NIA THAT SHE KNEW HER MOTHER AND FILLS NIA IN ON SOME OF THE BACKGROUND OF HER PARENTS’ UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THE LOVE BETWEEN LUCIANA AND NIA’S MOTHER, WHICH IS SHOCKING NEWS TO NIA. small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, SAYS THAT LUCIANA CAUSED HER MOTHER’S DEATH NOT REALISING THAT NIA KNOWS MORE THAN HE THINKS, and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

CHANGED: CHARACTER ARC: Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

SIMPLIFIED: MAIN CONFLICT: To help save the land Nia has to come to terms with her father

Dramatic Question: Will the community save their land/town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father

Dilemma: Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

CHANGED: THEME: Keeping secrets doesn’t protect, it disempowers and causes greater distress. Knowing the truth frees us.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kates First Pass

What I learned is that it is kind of magic how it unfolds itself when I let it. Also not to run off in a fascinating direction but to do the next thing on the list and keep it succinct.

1. LOGLINE: A young actress joins forces with a poor rural community to con and expose the greedy developer in their midst who is also her long absent father, setting herself and others free.

2. PLOT /PLOT SUMMARY: Maturation — The process of going from child to adult where the child is forced to accept changes on the way to becoming a mature adult…but often pays a price for it.

3) STRUCTURE

1) OPENING SCENE
A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite in a beautiful field, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT
Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10
Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE
Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT
Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO
Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

7) CRISIS
Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX
Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION
The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

4. PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices base on her personal power and strength.

Part to be changed: The naive passive idealist

Biggest fear: Not having a (wonderful) Dad who loves her

Completion of arc: Calls out the ‘real’ Dad and through action finds strength and self-respect

5. PLOT IN STRUCTURE

OPENING SCENE
A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite in a field, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia wanders through dreamily over the field and tells her friends she can imagine living there.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community most whome are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do (a Shakespeare). Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions and thinks she knows her from somewhere.

INCITING INCIDENT
Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show is ending and people are having a fine old time. Darrogh is watching Nia – she looks familiar. He asks about her and begins to put it together – she is his daughter.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia walks into Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia says goodbye to the troupe – she wants to stay with her father. Luciana urges caution, he’s not to be trusted. Nia assures her it will be fine.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want her mixing with the locals. He wants her to himself. She feels special and loved.

BY PAGE 10
Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Luciana and Nia meet (clandestinely) – Luciana tells Nia what Darrogh is really like, for example how he cheated her father out of the family ranch but Nia is determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 10. She believes he is a good person (that’s what her family told her) and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE
Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. Nia is listening incognito at the back of the room.

5) MID-POINT
Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Luciana and Nia meet – Nia is a bit shocked. Luciana tells her she knew her mother when they were in college back and she will always be there for her. She invites her to her hoUse where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and she is still hopeful he’ll change.

INT. AN APARTMENT IN A TOWN 5O MILES AWAY – NEXT DAY

Nia meets with some of the actors who putting in a play on a neighboring town and proposes the project. They eagerly agree, their tour is about to end and why not? One of them has a mother who is a very experienced hi-end businesswoman and ask her to help make the fake proposal. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO
Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 1 WEEK LATER

The ‘Businessmen meet with Darrogh. He has read the proposal and is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers. He wants the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, he overhears a phone conversation and confronts her. Says it is him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. He kicks her out of the house then and there, with only what she arrived with.

INT: LUCIANAS HOUSE

Nia arrives on the doorstep and Luciana takes her in.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have sales agreements from surrounding farms to their company. All Darrogh has to do is buy in and he will be set for life. He is still not sure. Tells them to wait. Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped.

7) CRISIS
Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. They agree. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him. Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia realizes that she has to choose and chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

8) CLIMAX
Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. He is furious and makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but the Businesswoman shows him what he has signed and that it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do -except let the world know what a fool he has been. Nia takes the stage and call him out for his failures as a father. He slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

9) RESOLUTION
The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK KATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. It has been a dream of some of them over the years and now it is possible. Nia thanks them all for everything and they her. She says she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here and hands her a letter to read later.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nia goes to visit her father one last time before she leaves. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. He offers to give her a car for her travels. She refuses and says goodbye, walking out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone. Nia reads the letter from Luciana – she tells Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back. The theatre troupe’s bus pulls up, she climbs in and they leave as they had arrived.

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S BASIC STRUCTURE

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that once I get myself focused with a good cheat-sheet with blank spaces beneath each beat, a willingness to let go and not get too detailed, then it starts to flow. Got a bit hung up on ‘Is this right?’ I read and reread the examples ‘til my head was spinning, and then shouted, ‘Oh darn it – just gonna jump in.’ There are surely some holes but at least now there is something to see the holes in.

LOGLINE: A young actress joins forces with a poor rural community to con and expose the greedy developer in their midst who is also her long absent father, setting herself and others free.

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Hawkes Necessary Questions

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that the devil is in the detail.. and I am wondering if I have strayed way too far from the original concept? And was Dramatic Triangle for Character Structure the best choice? And my Plot seems to morphed into a mix of 3. I might be guilty of the 3-ring circus…

a. Concept:

EVOLVED (NEW) CONCEPT (not the darned logline..)

A young actress (Nia) on tour stumbles across the whereabouts of her Billionaire father who disappeared from her life at age 10 after her Mother died. At first she is thrilled and he offers her everything he has, but she discovers is not a good man, and so secretly joins forces with the local community who, led by Luciana, the fiery Latina Mayor, have setup a ‘sting – company’, to which Nia adds a specially written play, revealing the sting after it is too late for Darrogh to get out of his ‘investment’ and in which Nia confronts him for the first time. Exposed, humbled, having lost all his fortune he can only appeal to his daughter – and /or the community – for his future wellbeing. Nia has to decide whether to forgive him or walk away from the father she has just found.

b. Dramatic Question:

** Will the community save their town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father?

c. Main conflict:

** The underdogs against the powerful bully at a community level (Luciana) & personal level (Nia)

Will the town stay united and support Luciana, to succeed in tricking Darrogh into making the investment and will Nia have the courage to stand up to him after she has just found him and he is welcoming her into his wealthy life.

d. Dilemma:

** • Luciana has a personal grudge – is she doing this for the community as Mayor or for personal revenge?

• Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father and really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

e. Theme:

** It takes great courage to balance personal ethics and morality with a greater duty and need.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Hawkes Dramatic Plots 2 and Final Selection

What I learned doing this is that who is at the center of the story – their journey – seems to define the genre and can shift the writing away from the original idea pretty easily! And each iteration of dift plot structures adds more depth to the initial concept. I want to incorporate elements/details from all of the 4 into the one I have selected.

Original concept.

A small rural community in desperate need of funds for their school, local hospital & food bank fail in their appeal to the arrogant billionaire in their midst, and with the help of an out-of-town theatre group setup the great ‘sting – company’ resulting in a play performed by the group that unveils the truth after it is too late for the Billionaire to get out of his ‘investment’.

13. Maturation

Nia, whose father abandoned her at age 10 after her Mother died, has been protected by her family from the truth of her Father’s selfish life, and so while pursuing a career as an actress has not sought him out believing him to be busy in the world doing good things. Arriving on tour in a small town she discovers who he really is and joins forces with the local community who have their own agenda against him, eventually confronting him which means walking away from the father she has just found who is not at all who she dreamed he was and not capable of being that – even for her.

17. Discovery

Darrough, whose early life had been defined by pursuit of material possessions, married for love and had a daughter( Nia) but when his wife dies 10 years later, he abandons his daughter and returns with a vengeance to his greedy selfish ways. Nia finds him 15 years later, in a state of permeant battle with a local community whom he has all but bought out, and she joins with the town Mayor who had been her Mother’s best friend in college, to devise a ‘sting’ to expose him to the community and himself. He has to deal with his griefs and fears, family history and ultimately his daughter, admitting to his deep need for love even as his time is running out.

The plot to use throughout the Outlining module. (with details from the others to add in)

• Underdog

Darrogh owns most of the land around a small struggling town and also owns a hugely successful business empire but refuses to engage with nor support the mainly ill-educated and impoverished community.

Luciana, an older Latina woman whose family lost the family ranch to Darrogh and is also Mayor of this dying town, determines to get the money they all need from him by setting up a ‘sting’ company in spite of the odds.

Nia, Darrogh’s daughter whom he abandoned after her Mother died when she was 10, is now a theatre professional and arrives in town on a touring gig. On discovering her long lost Father lives here, and meeting Luciana who she finds out was her Mother’s best friend at college, she hatches a plan. The two women have similar goals and pool their resources.

With no capital but with the enthusiastic support of the theatrically inexperienced but desperate community, Nia devises a performance to which Darrogh is invited as a guest of honor. The play reveals the sting, Nia announces herself, and ultimately, he is exposed and humbled, having lost all his fortune with the only option to throw himself on the mercy of his daughter – and /or the community – for his future wellbeing.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

DRAMATIC PLOTS #1

What I learned doing this is it certainly focuses the mind in a disciplined way within the narrow scope and thus pinpoints a possible direction without sidetracking.

• Revenge

Luciana, the small town Mayor, whose family ranch was unfairly bought by newcomer billionaire Darrogh sets out to ruin and humiliate him by setting up a sting ‘investment ‘company, with the funds going the financially stricken town.

Nia, his long-abandoned now theatre professional daughter who arrived on a touring gig, meets Luciana and discovers she was her long deceased Mother’s best friend in college. They join forces and with the enthusiastic support of the local community, Nia devises a play which he is flattered into attending. He sees the sting for what it was when it is too late, and comes face to face with his daughter after 15 years. He is exposed and humbled in public.

Darrogh loses his fortune and is brought to account for running away from responsibility for his then 10year old daughter. He is now dependent in her for his future wellbeing. Luciana and Nia can decide what to do with him.

• Underdog

Darrogh owns most of the land around a small struggling town and also owns a hugely successful business empire but refuses to engage with nor support the mainly ill-educated and impoverished community.

Luciana, an older Latina woman whose family lost the family ranch to Darrogh and is also Mayor of this dying town, determines to get the money they all need from him by setting up a ‘sting’ company in spite of the odds.

Nia, Darrogh’s daughter whom he abandoned after her Mother died when she was 10, is now a theatre professional and arrives in town on a touring gig. On discovering her long lost Father lives here, and meeting Luciana who she finds out was her Mother’s best friend at college, she hatches a plan. The two women have similar goals and pool their resources.

With no capital but with the enthusiastic support of the theatrically inexperienced but desperate community, Nia devises a performance to which Darrogh is invited as a guest of honor. The play reveals the sting, Nia announces herself, and ultimately, he is exposed and humbled, having lost all his fortune with the only option to throw himself on the mercy of his daughter – and /or the community – for his future wellbeing.

[Kate Hawkes]

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are a dozen ways to go and each leads to another but making a choice then letting that drive it helps… sort of.

Concept.

A small rural community in desperate need of funds for their school, local hospital & food bank fail in their appeal to the arrogant billionaire in their midst, and with the help of an out-of-town theatre group setup the great ‘sting – company’ resulting in a play performed by the group that unveils the truth after it is too late for the Billionaire to get out of his ‘investment’.

Character Structure – Dramatic Triangle.

• Luciana is the Hispanic, ex-rancher, town mayor sets out to trick a billionaire into ‘giving’ millions to the town which is in dire financial straights.

• Darrogh is a bitter, billionaire widower who abandoned his only child and has bought up much of the ranch land over 14 years, while maintaining his distance from all.

• Nia is his fierce actress daughter whose African-American mother was Luciana’s best friend at college over 35 years ago.

The character structure playing out in the story.

Nia came with a touring theatre company, stayed in the area when she realized her father was there without revealing herself. She works at the small theatre co, in the town 50 miles away while deciding whether to confront him or not.

Luciana recognizes Nia as her friend’s daughter, puts 2-2 together and together they hatch a plan to both get the money and humble Darrogh in public.

Darrogh, who has a long running feud with Luciana over the ranch and has not communicated with his daughter since his wife died when she was 10, attends a play and has to face both of them and his past.

[Kate Hawkes]

I am wondering – each time we do the 12 Formats are we meant to be working with the original 2 seed ideas? or with 2 of the new ones generated? and for lesson 4 (Thursday) do we do it wth 1 or 2 of them?

Thank you

[Kate Hawkes]

I learned:
– I seem to get the first draft bit but will be challenged by the middle drafts part

– being imperfect is essential as a foundation for getting to the next levels

– being clear about what you want when asking for feedback is vital to a useful exchange

– there is as much to be learned from other people’s work as by doing it

– find that balance between left brain/right brain and be able to move easily from one to the other (like that vase verses 2 faces thing)

– and the same dance between objective (hearing feedback without emotional reaction) and subjective (how does it feel in terms of accuracy)

– write write write and write more

<font face=”inherit”> and I am </font>excited to be back in school as the student!!

[Kate Hawkes]

where do I call for todays class? Monday

Do’t mind me – was confused!! worked it all out!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Hawkes

I agree to the terms of this release form.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

My name is Kate Hawkes.

I have written 4 screenplays.

I am taking this course because I intend to to make writing my full time activity, and want to get the stories into the world on a bigger platform than they have been (live theatre).

I am an Australian living in the USA for for more than half my life, horsewoman, theatre professional, arts-in-healthcare practitioner and trail runner. I still understand nothing about American football!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi June I tried sending you a message on this platform but it didnt recognize your name as a real one!! What?! Anyway are you willing to be a TOTE reader? ongoing.. If you are way busy I understand, I would want to use email for that..kate@wellnesswithkate.com

[Kate Hawkes]

HI Anna I sent a message maybe this is the best way to do this?

If you still have room for another member. as well as your writing, I love your organizational skills!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Antonio would you be my Query buddy? or have I missed that boat. and also are you willing to be a TOTE reader? ongoing.. If you are way busy I understand, I would want to use email for that..kate@wellnesswithkate.com

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you! got the recording but missed the buddy up.. will do that..

[Kate Hawkes]

I didn’t either but I found a prerecorded query letter teleconference as the last listing in this module. I can send it to you as I downloaded it.

[Kate Hawkes]

And 🤩🤩YAY re response to the 10 pages..

[Kate Hawkes]

me too.. the marketing thing.. yikes.. That’s why I keep creating new stuff that goes nowhere..

[Kate Hawkes]

Good as bread?!! 😄 (yes I had to put it into the online translation thingy!)

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank uou so much Cam. lots of good input here.

I think the synopsis points out that the real big conflict? is that the person she’s been looking for/hoping to find since he abandoned her after her mother (Amahla) died – her father – is Darrogh.. who blames Luciana for Amahla’s death and who came here to destroy her… Yikes! and love the analogy to the western – she came there by accident but it still works!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Well that first page certainly drops us in it!!

extreme violence and lots of questions and a very unique world for sure.

and we have at least one very unique character. Isiaha

then

SPACEMAN Over here!

and then more – I cant tell if the first on was being helpful? t then as I read in I think not

now I am lost – but maybe that the point?

(and I have to confess I am such a not SCi Fi person so it’s already a very foreign world to me!)

should this be a few lines before where it is?

SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…

such a great shift t have the wife/mother = is that the twist at 3?

a welcome bit of peace and kindness and normality

KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions

?? same as …?

I like what it tells me.. but did I see it before?

VERY CO0L!

Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…

more about this world we know we’re not in Kansas!

I think maybe this is where you had it beginning before?

I like the new opening scene (as it fits this genre anyway)

I dont mind going back in time to catch up to the beginning as it were.

I like the Normalcy of life in the space colony – the details

how are you going to let us now that is where we are? some sort of long view? seeing the planet in space?

we could be in a high end alternative experimental earth bubble place

maybe except for that terrifing opening

the intro of the ‘probem’ through Sully who comes across as an arrogant, unempathetic asshole in direct contrast to his Dad and Bereaved husband mode is jarring and also interesting. ..

a good way of giving us all this backstory and context through a fight with Sully who we already care enough about to want to know where he is and why.!

And I get what the story is about I think – fighting the hegemony?

Not quite sure this last line refers to?

SULLY (jumping over his boss) I hope you’re right.

Cool stuff Cameron and I will fir sure go and see it!

[Kate Hawkes]

ok here goes. first as I thjink Ive said before I know nothing of this world (and dont like it I must say) but I am hooked by this opening and oddly care about Parisa

While I like the novelistic descriptions I guess we’d be told to much for screenlpay…

and now some notes/comments

Do you need the Or:

or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.

Great!! feeling, look, anxiety in one swoop

‘The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.’

Nice juxtapositon/contrast to the picture and her tenderness with it.

is this the same voice as the singing one earlier?

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)

and the next few femaleVO crooning – confused if it a song or her thoughts? or?

like the ref to the pics on the walls with the current action

? Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band ?.

The jump into the men in the cage is a great segue – we immediately want to know how these people are going to connect

definitely a provocative opening!

and action opening with a unique world for sure!

very good use of words and images!

and lots of questions raised at once. but also somehow connected

the 3rd page twist into the Underground fight world – ups the ante even if not directly related to the first person we have met..

Into Bahafur

how do we know it is the same place but Backstage? – is it a sound crossover?

I noticed , there seems to be info in the lead into the onscreen stuff that wont be known to the audience. how does that info get across? eg a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.

and ‘ Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR’

Fred is a nice change to the previous characters!

Yikes! terrifyingly tight ‘Oh Shit’ as B heads to the cage

The start of the fight is unexpected and then knife bit confusing.. at least in first read..

‘He glances at a cut on his arm. Vanishes’

it happened prior to this?

a bit of a jump from Night text message to next day… what did she do in that space of time?

it has been such consistent tight nonstop action since the beginning that without a transition (or quiet action lying sleeplss in bed or..) it feels odd to do nothing for how many hours??

I guess I’m a bit lost tracking the night work out and then day time running upstairs?

this is gorgeously eerie; if a bit confusing.. is it a voice we have heard before?

MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation) How did you know? (beat) YOU. KNEW. THIS. (beat) But how? How?

great last page and is the movie about finding B? I think that’s it right!

good job – clean and yet complex.

[Kate Hawkes]

THANK you! I am mot getting the email notification that someone has posted to me and I’ve toggled and toggled.. the options. so I apologise. I’ll look a your later tis eve. HUGE thanks for the Mexican Spanish

if/when this script progresses would love to work with you on that.. throughout

[Kate Hawkes]

Sure! just got this – somehow the auto notification that someone posted to me doesnt arrive.. Ive toggled it over and over again. I’ll get to yours in the next hr or and always would love to get your notes

🙂

[Kate Hawkes]

really bold move Lisa!

I am not going to do the line by line but give overall remarks.. I hope that will be helpful .

(GENERAL: I am not sure why knowing Santa is real is a blackmailable issue?

(probably revealed later.)

The opening image and lines are spectacular and certainly gets our attention !

however with the rewrite I think this is a bit confusing = who is saving who? easy to fix think.

……

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.

She looks down at the MAN.

…….

I love the opening VO and all the allusions to the old movie being the raison d’etre of this town!

feels like you are setting her up as one expected kind of woman and then the twist comes..!

…..

There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.

…..

I like that you leave us wondering why she isnt with her kids…

so Mary had the kids then and a military career that made her a war hero – in how many years?

(I am getting bogged down in the timeline..)

do you say Sir to a female war hero? Hmm..

change here?
………

Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.

INT-SUV-DAY

PETER

(jolting forward) Jesus!

JANIE

Dad!

PETER

Are you alright?

……

Great Line

”Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart’

this opening sets up a lot of questions

We dont know what to make of Mary and want to know.

I feel like the relationship between Peter and Mary us going to be core to how the story is satisfying at the end, it is setup – it goes waaay back.
………

I’ve known this gal since I was 14.

………

It has come so far for its early seed idea – and is now truly interesting to me.

Looking forward to the rest!

[Kate Hawkes]

Enjoyed this Dev!!

Comments are just that! take the, toss them about and then out – or reshape as you wish!

the opening is clever – we don’t know if he is for the Marchers or not? could be either

if there is nothing in the basement we see to give us a clue.

so its setup-twist and also kind of shocking..

and a unique world

the wind etc sets a tone of foreboding

and then Bam! we know who and what .. (is that page 3?)

so at the same time we find out who he is, we see him getting ‘deposed’..

It’s certainly provocative – just the subject matter and that we seem to be in his POV

When you take us to Outerspace, now we are catapulted into a very unique world

Questions abound.

Not least how it relates to what we just saw

and it is short enough we are back in the other world and don’t get lost in this new round of

Qs

(sort of like a blip which I think is what happens more and more through the rest of the film)

Definitely a twist to read further.

NOT SURE:

Is the next fair ground a different fairground? same day?.

is the she a black or white girl? if so, the same girl we saw before with Clay?

Like that it both mirrors and contrasts what happens for these two

we are bound to ask ‘what do they have to do with each other?’

The move into the family scene is slightly jarring- after the other worldly tone of the beginning

and at the same time brings Clay ‘to earth’. for us – gives a look into who this man is – from being at the mercy of the universe and other people, to a very UNlikable Lord in his own house.

and again – more foreboding and anxiety.

is the inciting incident for Clay when Adam pops up?

and for Lincoln? or not yet…

The relationship between Hannah and Clay is succinctly laid out.

and time there is a leering Dad we know it can’t be good

the injection of the TV climate feels random at his point but no doubt it will pay off

( I do like that it doesn’t go off on command…)

the memory sc is good. I was ready to just loathe him utterly and this gave him a little background – as in ‘once an innocent kid’

Q: How will we know it is his dad and him?? (assume it like I just did..)

maybe a paternal moment between them during the speech??

Like the Qs around Emmy in the bathroom? drunk? what? (later we find out, right..?)

and that last image of the black arm!! Wow! that’ll blow the minds of the racists the audience!! and make every black (or white) woman want to throw up – what is she doing with him??

If we weren’t on board with the ‘WTF’ before we are now!

I find myself hoping we get to Lincoln again so that’s good. and hoping he is a lot nicer than this asshole..

I think these pages tick all the boxes and while the characters thus far might not be totally unique, the situation and world you have them in is.. so it works.

So Yay!!

[Kate Hawkes]

Dev I think this is assignment 4?… mine #3 🤨 is different ..

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you for all our thoughts and useful points,

yes it is hard when you cant read/see the entire thing build to this last 6 pages!

even with the 3 paragraph summaries of the previous action.

I don’t feel it is useful to go through point by point and explain to you

(way too tedious for you and me!)

but I will check that I am clear myself and as I go back and do the writing I know needs to happen now I ave the end.. well, hopefully it will be clearer.

sSuffice to say

Two different threads come together

a) the community’s fight against D and hence the sting operation/con re the land.

<font face=”inherit”>b) Nia’s search for/finding the idealized </font>Father<font face=”inherit”> which uncovers the truth about her Mother’s death. – and who he is.</font>

(He killed Amahla by ‘abuse’ – not literally. We see the scene where he throws her out of house and won’t let her see his daughter. She also had cancer – the two combined led her to kill herself.)

<font face=”inherit”> Over the film we also see snippets of how Darrogh is haunted by his memories of her (one where she says ‘You killed me’) and yes, suppressed guilt and grief. Nia looks just like her and that triggers the whole </font>emotional<font face=”inherit”> thing for him which he struggles against.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>I think/hope that seeing Nia get on the bus and start reading the </font>letter<font face=”inherit”> with the VO continuing through the very end should work. And yes you got it – she leaves into the big world, his mansion </font>dwindles<font face=”inherit”> down to nothing. .</font>

<font face=”inherit”> Re Luciana?. that is a whole subplot and this is an ironic ending for them..</font>

<font face=”inherit”>Thank you Cam! food for thought here as we move ahead.</font>

[Kate Hawkes]

The last 10 pages

Love that you have this sweet opening – loving kind hopeful civilized ‘disagreement’

and then Kablam!

it all shifts when it gets tangled with that ‘other’ self!

and then the fact that somehow Nubia is drawn into that world too

and is she killed? or isnt she?

To me it suggests that when we are consumed by hate it colors everything we do, see, know. and love

like that there is the car chase they both survive only to plunge into the depths of the mill.

glad that you went back to Nubia.. is she dead?

really like the building crumbling as they shoot it up – shooting their world to pieces.

and the climax of the shimmers in the mill – with them being bounced all about.

makes the audience ask so what the heck IS real?

As said before really like how they die and what we see (or don’t)

Hmm… so re the ending

– we have the potential for a kind accepting universe? but those darned strings suggest there is a parallel nasty one?

and are we left with the Q- which will win out this time?

(BTW love how we meet the President)

I think it will be an epic technical feat but well worth it!

I also think be easier to follow/understand when seen not read!! I need the faces.

(Please have a look at mine if you have a chance.)

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Lisa – I jumped in.Please feel free to find mine and do the same!

Love the Mary and Joseph names !!

In fact all your naming is great!

Questions I have:

• Why does the town decide to help Peter financially now when they didn’t before?

• Not sure what role Violet has play in the arc of the story -does she somehow effect Mary to be Different? What are their differences and how do they impact the story?

• it is a sweet gentle film – what age group?

• is there a scene between Peter and Joseph?

• Is Tilly who Peter ends up with ? (and who is she)

• Is Janie being lost a catalyst to bringing Peter and Mary together? a sort of ‘fake’ ending?

I felt like I want to know more about why Mary helps Peter so much.. is there a struggle there?guilt?

It is always hard to tell from summarys but I feel like there’s not a lot of hard emotional a conflict for people to have high stakes here – maybe it is in the dialogue scenes.

I like the references and close analogy the Wonderful Life story!

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate to Dev

finally got to this assignment and always look forward your edition!

If you have time can you take a look at mine?

Loved the Doors’ progress to finally shutting.

Good research re Biblical quotes (jargon and metaphor and also in a way poetic..)

So much here – but to summarize.

It’s a great ending and if people were still confused this make it clear.

I like that they are still separate people but are also trapped within each other.

as per the assignment:

some direct and indirect prediction

metaphoric dialogue as the format

confrontation re future consequence

Warning

oh and countdown there too?

And that last image.. great!!

This has come so far and I look forward to reading the entire script.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate for June

I hope you dont mind. I jumped in.

I’d really appreciate your thoughts on mine.

Been a while since I read one of yours and I love how it has evolved.

Kim and Roy are such strong, interesting characters.

I liked that some of the dialogues were made clear by the action too.

(with Kim especially)

as per the assignment I noted you used:

poetic, the jargon and emotional formats

I saw Metaphor used very well

compliment

distraction

shield others

imply hopelessness

indirect prediction

misdirection

maybe a challenge?

And just these pages certainly have me wanting to read the other pages!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Lisa, I am late to this party (been away). I am always interested to see where you are headed with this!

I hope that you will give me some feedback and are ok with me jumping in here.

Love the 3 sisters as characters each with their own agenda and style. That shows up well in their dialogue and each of them with the ‘different meanings’ to the dad turning up with 2 young women.

For a single scene it is very long.. so was easy to get a bit confused and I had to go back and re-read bits.

There was some good subtext with the flirting with Peter and Mary but I felt the rest was a bit ‘on the nose’ as they say.

there might be a way to do the scene of the girls with their Dad using more of those subtext options… That could work because they are in a public place and there are people around? sort of saving face/hiding the family argument from the crowd,

and then an explosion at the end?

Just my 2 cents!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cameron I am late to this party- just posted mine last night – and am (as always) enjoying reading your writing. I am taking the liberty of responding, please look at mine if you have time.

I like the set up of the scene in full action each with their own agenda. and how Isaiah is the one who suddenly totally shifts the direction of the scene.

You write with an interesting mix of threatening/anxiety-making dialogue/actions with funny almost spoof-like dialogue – not sure how serious it is ’til it is!

The subtext Jude ‘remind me of someone’ and then the payoff is good.

I kinda agree with Matthew.. it felt a bit expository? Also I am not sure about that really fast turn around for Jude at the end- felt a bit from nowhere.

I really like Isaiah as a character. Sort of a truth teller..maybe he chimes in at the end with Jude and Sully too?

and as always so hard to really comment on these scenes as we see them without their context!

I look forward to the next layer!

[Kate Hawkes]

Oh my Dev! these people have evolved so much. I am wonderfully unsure what Emmy’s game is – I can feel she is up to something but don’t know what and want to know. I like how Clay sways to and fro offering hope and then dashing those hopes. The unsaid and half spoken thoughts along with the revelations and whiplashing changes of approaches keep me fully engaged. Any time there is a gun it adds tension. And as we know he has killed before it is extra scary. I do feel that at this point we might lose any any sympathy for Clay at all… And we are surely rooting for Emmy in a big way.

Would you please have a look at mine?

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Cam

yes she was in the first scene. I just didn’t know if anyone had seen that.

good note re verbs and nouns

glad all the people didnt overwhlem. These are many of the people we then meet throughout the story.

[Kate Hawkes]

Cam

I admire your willingness to go back and make a major change to better fit your story!

” fully engrossed in treating the puncture would WOUND? and pneumothorax”

a lot here..

not sure how or why Isaiah gets in..

regarding the skills set

the whole thing is anticipatory!

lots of suspense

hooks up the ying-yang

the uncertainty is short but strong

great visual description although sometimes feels a little forced?

emotional description there but sometimes the action is so fast it barely registers.

all in all- it draw us in and moves us at a breakneck pace to the next and the next – making us want more. Great stuff!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cameron can we exchange feedback? I am a few past you

Kate

[Kate Hawkes]

Oh MY Dev! getting darker and scarier.

lots of foreshadowing, lots of hooks, and vivid description and that being bold skill – (emotion etc)

didnt see suspense (event matter delay) and the hope/fear /hope thing. but hard to do in a short scene and sets up whats to come I am sure.

whatever I am eager to see what is either side of this and how it turns out!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hey June

thank you for your time and input.

Yep this scene without context thing can be confusing. Mine too is about 1/3 of the way, so many of your Qs (like the ones I had for you) would be clear. this is a second town meeting, we already know she is the Mayor (and that might have to change as I have unincorporated the town!). Luciana is a major supporting character – Nia is the protag.

the Bill after he exited was meant to be BOB… Great point using names with dift first initials! and yes Final Draft is very Fixer Friendly!

this was more for the exercise of those dramatic devices which I hope I achieved some of!

Oddly I dont have a title yet.. hoping it will come when I actually start writing it in order :))

[Kate Hawkes]

and thanks for the tip re how to move the ‘focus’ around the room. Had no idea how to do that. It is all the dift little groups talking pretty much at the same time right after the revelation…

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cam – thank you for the feedback. Glad you saw who Luciana is.

And Yes NOT BILL – BOB – all those Bs and final draft just chose one!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Cameron – I have been a bit out of the loop but am back. I’d really appreciate feedback on my V2 if you have the time meanwhile a few comments from me on this ( and if it isnt yr most recent I apologize.)

So #1 this is not my genre but I am hooked in spite of my bias!

great set ups! the opening is appropriately horrific!

not sure who plummets to the ground – not Markus I gather.

nice little incidents that establish who Markus is ( so what he does at the end is more shocking)

Love the Apollo character but not sure why the accent.

The tension builds surely and horribly.

The mother and child it is great -maybe more about how if it affects Markus?

Excellent foreshadowing.

The lines and which is going where and why/how Apollo gets to change lines is a bit confusing but maybe with the visual not so much. Is it clear that one line is the disabled group?

I dont know what this is about but from this – beginning? I get it is Markus’s journey.

and I am certainly interested to know what that is. So, job well done!

Oh and found this:
Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

APOLLO

Over hear.HERE

Good Job Cameron ( as aways!)

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi June. I am late to this party I have posted my V2 if you have time I’d love your feedback. Meanwhile here are some comments from me ( And if this isn’t the most recent I apologize.)

Love all these short scenes one after the her. keeps me interested and alert.

Wonder if the Kim parking the car scene should be earlier? before Tara tells Roy about it?

the Relationship between Roy and Tara crackles! But Im not sure who she is.. given she is not in the list at the top.

love the self talk therapy!

The guy at the pool.. felt like l that was too easily resolved..more of a struggle? tension? maybe maybe not? Thinking an opportunity for more here…How she handles that. what happens when she is pushed..and the worry about what he might do

And same with the last court scene. Maybe a place to do a twist? or a glitch that stops the movement to the end for a bit?

Overall I am curious about the next and how will all these people come together to one story

[Kate Hawkes]

Thanks you Dev. I did a #2

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dana – I have been a bit out of the loop and this might well not be your most recent. Please comment on my V2 if you have time.

This certainly held my interest all the way through!

It feels like a huge set up and I hope we finds out who he was and what happened.

It was good to see Ellen kind of unraveling a bit from cool calm radio therapist to rattled concerned woman

Not sure why people are asking Ellen if she is ok.. she’s is not with the shooter right?

and (as an actress) greta role to open a film with!!

I look forward to the rest of this story!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dev! I’m back (kinda..) I love how all this has evolved since I last checked in. I think having the women be a more active component, having impact on his life and choices is good. Maybe the revelation could be harder to make? maybe they have to pull it out of her more? maybe something interupts her as she is about to tell and then she has come come back to it? A phone call Caine has to take – so a moment with just Mom and daughter.. thinking out loud. But I am loving the family thing. Would you please look at mine?

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Lisa

( just saw this and I hope you’ll give feedback on my V2 if you have time)

I love the idea of using the Wonderful Life premise in a modern context and naming that up front.

I do have to day was I was bit confused, is the first scene that introduces Mary?

If so, I don’t really feel as if I get a real feel for her- who is she? what makes her unique?
maybe the ride in the truck before they get to the problem can be longer?

If The Man on the bridge is her husband, wouldn’t he recognize Mary from the get-go and how would that affect their action?

I find it hard to accept that the rope would break.. not on a firetruck and as a rescue tool.

I can’t imagine being able to accurately kick someone who was fighting me in deepish water during at in a storm.. is there another way she can subdue him?

I guess for me it feels very rushed and I don’t get to nkow her or him or anyone at all and so don’t care about any of them yet.

Maybe a longer intro. to her in the truck so we can see her quirks, some of her needs? fears? etc a bit of her life’s stuff outside this job and then we can care about this.

Maybe even lead to a moment when we go Oh God! Is that her husband? and now there is something at stake and we can better understand why she lays into him..

(or not! whatever works for you.)

I wonder if there is a way to handle the info in the VO at the ned of this in a more active way- maybe building off what we just saw with the rescue?

I can’t recall your plot and so am in this blind as an audience would be. I want to care more about at least one of these 3 by now. Is there something you can bring in this early that would make one of them pop?

I look forward to what you do next!

cheers

Kate

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

thank you June. food for thought. I appreciate it! Kate 🙂

[Kate Hawkes]

Hui Anita – A little confused by this message. I think you meant someone else? Kate

[Kate Hawkes]

The arrival of Adam is (I think) great. Ups the Anti for Clay and I am sure will impact Lincoln. Most of all it gives a sense of ‘Shoot this isn’t going to end just morph into.. ‘ – or not! Maybe Clays daughter has to face him..? Or Lincoln’s kids- the next generation..And I like that Clay is using the current weather to his (he hopes) advantage.

You go girl!

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Matthew –

There is a V2.. and we are not meant to know about their relationship

They dont know. He maybe… she not at this time

it evolves.

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi June, I hope you don’t mind. I just saw this and jumped in. I’d really welcome your feedback on mine if you have time.

First I have to own this is not my kind of genre.

That said I loved the first scene – was hooked! Then I found the action in the Jail scene to be a little much for me, but I get it for the genre.

It has certainly drew me in – I want to know more about Roy, I hope I get to meet Suzy and I wish the best for Tyrone..

I don’t give a good goddam about the three in the jail cell. :O)

Couple of Qs.
• did Roy take the dump after he locked himself in the bathroom or did he set that up the night before? In which case might cool to see him do that and then we see why later.

• how did he not get hurt at al slamming into the Piggly Wiggly?

• can you really start an ignition with a screwdriver? or….?

• Tyrone says ‘I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.’ wouldn’t he repeat the same grammar? Or consciously correct himself…

Curious to see where this goes .and Roy is surely a heck of a character.

[Kate Hawkes]

Well Im hooked! very few qs because I know it is the beginning.

I had to agree this is not a genre or world I know anything abut so I had no comparison ( eg Hunger Games – never seen it)

maybe at the end she doesnt say ‘I’m stealing food’ that implies guilt

How about ‘I was just taking the food I needed’ or something.

Love stopping for the kid and dog-

It kept me engaged even for a genre I don’t watch.

and that is a plus I think 🙂

Would appreciate your response to mine. – if you have time

[Kate Hawkes]

Wow! oddly (and good) – it gets us on his side in the context of his (albeit) sick world. Love the appearance of Adam (really scary!) And the variety of people in the crowd. is great. Wonder if there is a way to have some support for him so the crowd is split at the beginning (old habits and loyalty) and then they gradually fall off – instead of growing the meagre support fades to nothing? The effects of crowd pressure on a minority in a group and false hope for Clay…

[Kate Hawkes]

email me – kate@wellnesswithkate.com

[Kate Hawkes]

thank you SO much for all this careful response. I will print it off, pour a glass of wine, pick up a pencil and read it. :))

[Kate Hawkes]

sweet story Anna and I think for the right age group very cool.

what age are you pitching to?

do you see this as animation or…?

I am keen to read the dialogue between the two 13yrolds on this topic.. could be very cool.

is 13 a bit old for a Little mermaid doll??juts thinking of my daughter when she was 13…

I really like Dylan’s silence and why and how it is changed. I wanted to see that relationship with his mother so we understand and feel that.

How do we know that – because someone says it?

a series of flashbacks that come together – and finally maybe she speaks to him (in his mind) and he has permission to speak again?

sort of like Alfie does but some of it via the Mom..

and are the any scenes where the dad and son talk about the Mom? share their grief?

different ways to handle it?

surely Steve would know that.. -a therapist for a child that wont speak…

As fun as it is to have a completely bad person (a la Cruella de Ville) can we have some background on Elizabeth to give us an inkling as to what makes people as mean as she is?

what scenes are there just between Steve and Elizabeth?

And can we have some backstory on Alfie? he is such an integral character!

You mentioned in beat 9 a new girlfriend for Steve .. I didn’t see that in the outline/plot

so much good stuff here – it feels like it needs depth and some details of relationships that we see happen not just hear about!

go for it!

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Anna, glad you got the Shakes stuff!! I am hoping that the early flashback scenes and memories show how much he loved Amahla and how devastated he was when he thought she was lesbian.. I can amp that up in their dialogue – and how that then ruined his life. And then his joy at finding Nia but he cant get over his need to control and lack of trust… Maybe we need a flashback scene where we see what Nia’s life was like being raised by her grandparents – his parents? perhaps when she is telling Shaun how lucky he is to have his Mother..

re amping up the angst at the end .. hmm. I envision the last few scenes after the reveal play – the absolute climax – to be pretty fast.. but I’ll look at it.. if that is what you mean…

Feel free to expand 🙂

[Kate Hawkes]

I LOVE the opening now.. much clearer and very very interesting – Pulls you in literally!

the relationships between the couples and parents/daughters etc is clearer and we care – thus the sense of foreboding builds as we know they are gonna get crushed in the madness. This IS a film and so needs to be seen to fully get the shimmering etc but I can see how it works in this verbal rendition. I like that we have the opportunity to see ourselves in each of the opposing characters and how it can be disconcerting to see ourselves as both. The question ‘what is racism’ is fully experienced in our response to each of these characters.

The ending feels a little disconnected… given the darkness.. is it so easy? who made it change? or is the universe just moving along and evolving regardless of our actions? except that there is the climate thing..

I’m ready to see it!

[Kate Hawkes]

wow! threw us right into it!

This is definitely clearer to me than the first time I read it last time round.

I like the introduction of martial arts via dancing!

and the details of the MMA fight she wins first (certainly makes me interested to see it..)

why is Ruthless so aggressive to Parisa? like the same man? (Bahadur) or just who she is.. as eg with Sandy.. or is she jealous of Parisa somehow?

seems like a bit of jump to Philip getting Bahadur out of captivity and Parisa being there..

Bit confused about the three men bit.. why didnt Parisa fight them as well after B was too weak?

not sure why the Ruler doesn’t accept the info he wants (the secret)

somehow I wonder if Ruthless and Ruler are in cahhoots..

a lot of emphasis on incredible actions and it is) but I am missing the emotional connections between them and therefore for me. so there is a danger of losing interest unless I am a hard core MMA person and like watching the fighting

any backstory on the Ruler – why? who? any connections to the others except this?

Even after Philips behaves so badly then the three came back together again – in the hope of defeating the bad guys?

some more backstory for them perhaps…

at the end Parisa is with her cheerleading crowd and Bahdahur rolls in – she didnt know he was alive? I like that

Hmm… maybe this is the theme somehow. ‘love will outlast anything’ (there ain’t no cure for love to quote Mr L Cohen)

(I am still not seeing how the ending reflects the stated theme.. )

Hell of a role for a very fit actress!

Please have a look at mine (#20 on page 2 or there abouts….) if you could.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Please feel free to critique mine! #20 on this page or there-abouts

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

TO ANITA FROM KATE
I really like Danica arc. It feels full, rich and complete.

Danica’s story becomes very compelling.. I wonder if there is a way to enrich that – it sems as if the story is really a mother and daughter story.. Cyrus is an instrument.

Interesting that Danica transforms – Questions: does Dianna?

I like beginning with the birth, going back and then to the birth again –

and also closing with Dainna back in hospital. and the grown-up daughter.

PLACES WHERE I AM CONFUSED:

•If Dianna is such a pathologically emotionless person why does she care about her Bio Mother who abandoned her.

• and Why blame (and kill) Cyrus?

QUESTIONS TO CHECK

is it really possible track people online via their personal DNA test??

this seems like a big question to me and one that I am not sure I buy.. without a scene or something that shows me (audience) that this is so.

WOULD BE INTERESTING TO SEE:

Maybe a scene or two with Dianna and therapist?

The ending leaves me with questions:

Did Danica plan to run over Cyrus or was that luck? if he hadn’t been there would she have killed him some other way?

I wanted to see her arrive at that kill him idea..

I still don’t see why she went after him and not Dianna.

it is left that Danica killed Cyrus and she and her Mom are all good now?

and was it just luck his kidney was a match?

THEME

H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.

It seems to me that the arc of the story suggests something much stronger, and broader scope than ‘unwanted pregnancy- unwanted child’

something about lack of love?

it has come a long way from when I first saw it!! good job.

[Kate Hawkes]

HI Anita,

I am not sure if you have feedback yet but here (unsolicited) are some thoughts from me – for what it’s worth.

Really hot topic!

if the Dramatic Q was stated as a Q not a statement what would it be?

not sure if it is Triangle..
Danica (Mother) becomes a lawyer – arguing for Abortion rights
Diana (daughter) becomes a geneticist
Cyrus – the father/lawyer – how involved is he in each of these women’s lives?
other than on the edges..
if he is, what is his story and needs?

I don’t know why Dianna kills Cyrus
or how and when she knows about the kidney transplant need
or that he is her father??

is the story about Danika and Dianna?
if so I want to see more of their interactions and her adoptive family etc

I think the abortion debate is really good and if within the context of the 2 womens’ relationship and all that brings up perhaps would be more powerful as a statement.

I guess it feels as if this 2 stories and I am not sure what to focus on.

I look forward to the next edition!
Kate

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Michael I saw this.. is it meant to be in the Partner Up to Exchange Critiques on Story Logic Webs section? Do you want feedback?

K

[Kate Hawkes]

and thank you for the more succinct re-wordings – they are in! and tin my defense? the Concept paragraph was just that… the Logline (in my mind the are different) was much shorter – but yours is better that what I had -0 so Thank you

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Antonio – some great clarifying suggestions. Appreciate it. Now to look at yours.

[Kate Hawkes]

sure 🙂 will look at your V2 now

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dana much clearer.!

a few Qs – I wanted more about the Ellen’s reaction to the husband being shot

maybe set up their relationship – good? bad?
and then how that affects the detective?
and then perhaps their relationship?

and I am still a bit confused at the end-

what patient was held/released ?
how does that mean he knows there is someone else?
and surely the police would identify the body?
It seems a bit rushed.

also how did this affect the issue with the ratings at the show?

maybe that eerie call comes a few weeks later – after Ellen has recovered, is back at work, the kids are in therapy (!!) perhaps had a date with the detective or been really angry with him or something,.,.
and then the call? .

just throwing it out there.

:))

[Kate Hawkes]

Antonio – thank you – much easier to follow.

a really interesting context and idea, sure to be attractive to many viewers.

Not sure about the Plot Choice – I sort of get Escape? she is literally in a cage 🙂
Underdog? – huge odds against her

With so many characters I need to be clear who makes up the Dramatic Triangle..
Parisa for sure.. and then Bahadur and Philip?
there is lots of room to develop their relationship – seems that would be helpful for us to care about each of them equally.

As far as Dilemma – Does Parisa ever face an impossible choice? as in, whatever she chooses will cost her something… – maybe related to the two men in her life..

As it is now the Dilemma as stated seems to be the Conflict – the problem she has to solve/obstacles to overcome – in detail

When does she meet Philip? and who sent the text?
and has this something do with getting to Page 10 – so we know what the movie is about

By Page 10
I don’t know why P wants to do the MMA and her Uncle is so quick to help her do something so dangerous that she is clearly not ready for.
Does she tell him she needs to beef up order to find B?
then we’d be connected to what the movie is about as said in the Dramatic Q, Conflict Theme etc…

I like the Theme as you stated it, but then as Parisa states it at the end, is that the theme too?

“Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

also her Arc is about facing fears.. a theme too?

Does Bahadur die? Mmm… so how does this affect P’s journey…
she is the only one left of the Triangle?

There is so much here that is wise and suspenseful! Just now, to me, it is a bit muddled..
given of course that we have this very slender 9 beats to work with and then the relationship of of the Necessary Questions..

Looking forward to the next version!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dev, I like the addition of the daughter detail. A scene I’d love to see… I saw where you wrote this somewhere..

“with the idea of String Theory which promotes the idea of multi-universes existing side by side. My idea is to use extreme climate to tear at the fabric of one existing universe so that it bleeds into another. The result – at the end- is that both of the former universes were destroyed to birth the new one at the end”

wonderIng if there is a way to get that in your 9 beat sentence summery? – it certainly clarified things for me.

It’s a super cool idea….

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Antonio – wow! A lot of detail here.. can you re-post with just the 1-2 sentence summary of each beat? I am confused reading all the Int/Ext aspects of each beat… Also what is MMA?

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Arthur! I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Kate Hawkes]

Thanks you Lisa I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Kate Hawkes]

Thanks you Dana! I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dana!

re Concept: I was hooked by the idea of a multiple personality doing the kidnapping.

Should the concept include the Ellen part? as she is the protragonist..

Great role for an actress
I love the delving into the mind and different personalities

Dilemma is tricky.. as I understand it is an either/or choice and each has a cost to the person making it. It has to do with how to solve/deal with the main conflict…I think..
I keep muddling it with the conflict or problem..

It seems she has an ethical dilemma.. to mess with a person’s mind to get him to kill himself to save her kids.. Oooh!

I’m not seeing how the Theme as stated fits the action/plot
..sometimes you have to do bad things to do good things?

You set up poor ratings in the opening scene – maybe come round to that again?

Is the movie about Ellen having to save her family from this madman?
so maybe 4, happens in 3?

if the Detective is a co-protagonist what is his relationship with Ellen? can that be more?
or is he just a guy doing his job..

not entirely sure what happened in the resolution.
so it wasn’t her patient? either way he is dead…

is it Ellen’s now hi-rating show?

I do get that it is set up for a sequel!

So much good stuff here!!

it just feels a little confusing as relating to each of those components

2. Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict?
3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure?
4. Is the Main Conflict, Dilemma, and Theme represented in the Structure?

I am looking forward to the next rendition!

[Kate Hawkes]

Request for Exchange – kate # 6. can we exchange?

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Arthur and pre-amble – I am not a sci-fi person but this was interesting to me..Great set up!

Kind of cool the entire story happens in space.. it seems
and/or flashbacks to their land/earth lives?

The timeline of the action seems a bit off- does this all happen in minutes? as per the (inciting incident) or 48 hours?

is it maybe an Ensemble Character structure with lots of room for each character to have interpersonal conflicts and evolve against the back drop of this CME

with more focus on the characters rather than the technology?
so we care ALOT about people – and have the ones we root for etc – as they try to do this…

Mmm it might change the plot type…

I am a but puzzled – is the world back in 1800?
if so then how is the Station in CO working at the end?
and if not.. then.. does it matter? It seems the issue at hand is bad enough!

The Dilemma seems to read more as an expansion of the main conflict rather than a choice of actions Ch A vs CH B..

Be a very fun movie for the Virtual Reality people to make!

[Kate Hawkes]

Can we exchange feedback? I am at #6 above

[Kate Hawkes]

I did a feedback thing at the post that is up higher in the thread!

[Kate Hawkes]

I like that it is a ‘bad’ guy whose story we follow. and that both the ‘good’ guy and ‘bad’ guy end up making the same choice to kill.

The Prot and Antag are sort of both at the same time. Like the Form reflects Content.. Its kind of like a twisted buddy movie but not together…

I like that you take it all the way – they don’t learn in time to save themselves but perhaps in so doing they save the next generation?

I find myself curious to know more about Caine and his daughter’s relationship – and the black boyfriend.. what did he know when about them? and how did she arrive there, growing up with a Grand Dragon for a father?

(I am sure with all the scenes not in this outline it is in there)

I am not seeing how the Crisis (seeing Lincoln run down a white man) is Crisis for Caine..

killing his wife… feels crisis-y partic if they have a good relationship – kind of like he now has nothing to lose.

and maybe the seeing the Lincoln run down the white man is a 2nd turning point?

curious how the physical world at the end is changed (given the opening) – are black and white working together to save the world? so not Mayberry but…

I am certainly hooked

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.